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diff --git a/1985.txt b/1985.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..586d8b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/1985.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7057 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Men's Wives, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Men's Wives + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Posting Date: October 23, 2008 [EBook #1985] +Release Date: December, 1999 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEN'S WIVES *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler + + + + + +MEN'S WIVES + +By William Makepeace Thackeray + + + +Contents. + +The Ravenswing. + +I. Which is entirely introductory--contains an account of Miss Crump, +her suitors, and her family circle. + +II. In which Mr. Walker makes three attempts to ascertain the dwelling +of Morgiana. + +III. What came of Mr. Walker's discovery of the "Bootjack." + +IV. In which the heroine has a number more lovers, and cuts a very +dashing figure in the world. + +V. In which Mr. Walker falls into difficulties, and Mrs. Walker makes +many foolish attempts to rescue him. + +VI. In which Mr. Walker still remains in difficulties, but shows great +resignation under his misfortunes. + +VII. In which Morgiana advances towards fame and honour, and in which +several great literary characters make their appearance. + +VIII. In which Mr. Walker shows great prudence and forbearance. + + +Mr. and Mrs. Frank Berry. + +I. The fight at Slaughter House. + +II. The combat at Versailles. + + +Dennis Haggarty's wife. + + + + +MEN'S WIVES, BY G. FITZ-BOODLE + + + + +THE RAVENSWING + + + +CHAPTER I. WHICH IS ENTIRELY INTRODUCTORY--CONTAINS AN ACCOUNT OF MISS +CRUMP, HER SUITORS, AND HER FAMILY CIRCLE. + +In a certain quiet and sequestered nook of the retired village of +London--perhaps in the neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, or at any +rate somewhere near Burlington Gardens--there was once a house of +entertainment called the "Bootjack Hotel." Mr. Crump, the landlord, had, +in the outset of life, performed the duties of Boots in some inn even +more frequented than his own, and, far from being ashamed of his origin, +as many persons are in the days of their prosperity, had thus solemnly +recorded it over the hospitable gate of his hotel. + +Crump married Miss Budge, so well known to the admirers of the festive +dance on the other side of the water as Miss Delancy; and they had +one daughter, named Morgiana, after that celebrated part in the "Forty +Thieves" which Miss Budge performed with unbounded applause both at +the "Surrey" and "The Wells." Mrs. Crump sat in a little bar, profusely +ornamented with pictures of the dancers of all ages, from Hillisberg, +Rose, Parisot, who plied the light fantastic toe in 1805, down to the +Sylphides of our day. There was in the collection a charming portrait of +herself, done by De Wilde; she was in the dress of Morgiana, and in the +act of pouring, to very slow music, a quantity of boiling oil into one +of the forty jars. In this sanctuary she sat, with black eyes, black +hair, a purple face and a turban, and morning, noon, or night, as you +went into the parlour of the hotel, there was Mrs. Crump taking tea +(with a little something in it), looking at the fashions, or reading +Cumberland's "British Theatre." The Sunday Times was her paper, for she +voted the Dispatch, that journal which is taken in by most ladies of her +profession, to be vulgar and Radical, and loved the theatrical gossip in +which the other mentioned journal abounds. + +The fact is, that the "Royal Bootjack," though a humble, was a very +genteel house; and a very little persuasion would induce Mr. Crump, as +he looked at his own door in the sun, to tell you that he had himself +once drawn off with that very bootjack the top-boots of His Royal +Highness the Prince of Wales and the first gentleman in Europe. While, +then, the houses of entertainment in the neighbourhood were loud in +their pretended Liberal politics, the "Bootjack" stuck to the good old +Conservative line, and was only frequented by such persons as were of +that way of thinking. There were two parlours, much accustomed, one for +the gentlemen of the shoulder-knot, who came from the houses of their +employers hard by; another for some "gents who used the 'ouse," as Mrs. +Crump would say (Heaven bless her!) in her simple Cockniac dialect, and +who formed a little club there. + +I forgot to say that while Mrs. C. was sipping her eternal tea or +washing up her endless blue china, you might often hear Miss Morgiana +employed at the little red-silk cottage piano, singing, "Come where the +haspens quiver," or "Bonny lad, march over hill and furrow," or "My art +and lute," or any other popular piece of the day. And the dear girl sang +with very considerable skill, too, for she had a fine loud voice, which, +if not always in tune, made up for that defect by its great energy and +activity; and Morgiana was not content with singing the mere tune, but +gave every one of the roulades, flourishes, and ornaments as she heard +them at the theatres by Mrs. Humby, Mrs. Waylett, or Madame Vestris. +The girl had a fine black eye like her mamma, a grand enthusiasm for +the stage, as every actor's child will have, and, if the truth must be +known, had appeared many and many a time at the theatre in Catherine +Street, in minor parts first, and then in Little Pickle, in Desdemona, +in Rosina, and in Miss Foote's part where she used to dance: I have not +the name to my hand, but think it is Davidson. Four times in the week, +at least, her mother and she used to sail off at night to some place of +public amusement, for Mrs. Crump had a mysterious acquaintance with +all sorts of theatrical personages; and the gates of her old haunt "The +Wells," of the "Cobourg" (by the kind permission of Mrs. Davidge), nay, +of the "Lane" and the "Market" themselves, flew open before her +"Open sesame," as the robbers' door did to her colleague, Ali Baba +(Hornbuckle), in the operatic piece in which she was so famous. + +Beer was Mr. Crump's beverage, diversified by a little gin, in the +evenings; and little need be said of this gentleman, except that he +discharged his duties honourably, and filled the president's chair at +the club as completely as it could possibly be filled; for he could not +even sit in it in his greatcoat, so accurately was the seat adapted to +him. His wife and daughter, perhaps, thought somewhat slightingly of +him, for he had no literary tastes, and had never been at a theatre +since he took his bride from one. He was valet to Lord Slapper at the +time, and certain it is that his lordship set him up in the "Bootjack," +and that stories HAD been told. But what are such to you or me? Let +bygones be bygones; Mrs. Crump was quite as honest as her neighbours, +and Miss had five hundred pounds to be paid down on the day of her +wedding. + +Those who know the habits of the British tradesman are aware that he has +gregarious propensities like any lord in the land; that he loves a joke, +that he is not averse to a glass; that after the day's toil he is happy +to consort with men of his degree; and that as society is not so far +advanced among us as to allow him to enjoy the comforts of splendid +club-houses, which are open to many persons with not a tenth part of his +pecuniary means, he meets his friends in the cosy tavern parlour, where +a neat sanded floor, a large Windsor chair, and a glass of hot something +and water, make him as happy as any of the clubmen in their magnificent +saloons. + +At the "Bootjack" was, as we have said, a very genteel and select +society, called the "Kidney Club," from the fact that on Saturday +evenings a little graceful supper of broiled kidneys was usually +discussed by the members of the club. Saturday was their grand night; +not but that they met on all other nights in the week when inclined for +festivity: and indeed some of them could not come on Saturdays in the +summer having elegant villas in the suburbs, where they passed the +six-and-thirty hours of recreation that are happily to be found at the +end of every week. + +There was Mr. Balls, the great grocer of South Audley Street, a warm +man, who, they say, had his twenty thousand pounds; Jack Snaffle, of the +mews hard by, a capital fellow for a song; Clinker, the ironmonger: +all married gentlemen, and in the best line of business; Tressle, the +undertaker, etc. No liveries were admitted into the room, as may be +imagined, but one or two select butlers and major-domos joined the +circle; for the persons composing it knew very well how important it +was to be on good terms with these gentlemen and many a time my lord's +account would never have been paid, and my lady's large order never have +been given, but for the conversation which took place at the "Bootjack," +and the friendly intercourse subsisting between all the members of the +society. + +The tiptop men of the society were two bachelors, and two as fashionable +tradesmen as any in the town: Mr. Woolsey, from Stultz's, of the famous +house of Linsey, Woolsey and Co. of Conduit Street, Tailors; and Mr. +Eglantine, the celebrated perruquier and perfumer of Bond Street, whose +soaps, razors, and patent ventilating scalps are know throughout Europe. +Linsey, the senior partner of the tailors' firm had his handsome mansion +in Regent's Park, drove his buggy, and did little more than lend his +name to the house. Woolsey lived in it, was the working man of the firm, +and it was said that his cut was as magnificent as that of any man in +the profession. Woolsey and Eglantine were rivals in many ways--rivals +in fashion, rivals in wit, and, above all, rivals for the hand of +an amiable young lady whom we have already mentioned, the dark-eyed +songstress Morgiana Crump. They were both desperately in love with her, +that was the truth; and each, in the absence of the other, abused his +rival heartily. Of the hairdresser Woolsey said, that as for Eglantine +being his real name, it was all his (Mr. Woolsey's) eye; that he was in +the hands of the Jews, and his stock and grand shop eaten up by usury. +And with regard to Woolsey, Eglantine remarked, that his pretence +of being descended from the Cardinal was all nonsense; that he was a +partner, certainly, in the firm, but had only a sixteenth share; and +that the firm could never get their moneys in, and had an immense number +of bad debts in their books. As is usual, there was a great deal of +truth and a great deal of malice in these tales; however, the gentlemen +were, take them all in all, in a very fashionable way of business, and +had their claims to Miss Morgiana's hand backed by the parents. Mr. +Crump was a partisan of the tailor; while Mrs. C. was a strong advocate +for the claims of the enticing perfumer. + +Now, it was a curious fact, that these two gentlemen were each in +need of the other's services--Woolsey being afflicted with premature +baldness, or some other necessity for a wig still more fatal--Eglantine +being a very fat man, who required much art to make his figure at all +decent. He wore a brown frock-coat and frogs, and attempted by all sorts +of contrivances to hide his obesity; but Woolsey's remark, that, dress +as he would, he would always look like a snob, and that there was +only one man in England who could make a gentleman of him, went to the +perfumer's soul; and if there was one thing on earth he longed for (not +including the hand of Miss Crump) it was to have a coat from Linsey's, +in which costume he was sure that Morgiana would not resist him. + +If Eglantine was uneasy about the coat, on the other hand he attacked +Woolsey atrociously on the score of his wig; for though the latter went +to the best makers, he never could get a peruke to sit naturally upon +him and the unhappy epithet of Mr. Wiggins, applied to him on one +occasion by the barber, stuck to him ever after in the club, and +made him writhe when it was uttered. Each man would have quitted the +"Kidneys" in disgust long since, but for the other--for each had an +attraction in the place, and dared not leave the field in possession of +his rival. + +To do Miss Morgiana justice, it must be said, that she did not encourage +one more than another; but as far as accepting eau-de-Cologne and +hair-combs from the perfumer--some opera tickets, a treat to Greenwich, +and a piece of real Genoa velvet for a bonnet (it had originally been +intended for a waistcoat), from the admiring tailor, she had been +equally kind to each, and in return had made each a present of a lock +of her beautiful glossy hair. It was all she had to give, poor girl! +and what could she do but gratify her admirers by this cheap and artless +testimony of her regard? A pretty scene and quarrel took place between +the rivals on the day when they discovered that each was in possession +of one of Morgiana's ringlets. + +Such, then, were the owners and inmates of the little "Bootjack," +from whom and which, as this chapter is exceedingly discursive and +descriptive, we must separate the reader for a while, and carry him--it +is only into Bond Street, so no gentleman need be afraid--carry him into +Bond Street, where some other personages are awaiting his consideration. + +Not far from Mr. Eglantine's shop in Bond Street, stand, as is very well +known, the Windsor Chambers. The West Diddlesex Association (Western +Branch), the British and Foreign Soap Company, the celebrated attorneys +Kite and Levison, have their respective offices here; and as the names +of the other inhabitants of the chambers are not only painted on the +walls, but also registered in Mr. Boyle's "Court Guide," it is quite +unnecessary that they should be repeated here. Among them, on the +entresol (between the splendid saloons of the Soap Company on the first +floor, with their statue of Britannia presenting a packet of the soap to +Europe, Asia, Africa, and America, and the West Diddlesex Western Branch +on the basement)--lives a gentleman by the name of Mr. Howard Walker. +The brass plate on the door of that gentleman's chambers had the word +"Agency" inscribed beneath his name; and we are therefore at liberty +to imagine that he followed that mysterious occupation. In person Mr. +Walker was very genteel; he had large whiskers, dark eyes (with a slight +cast in them), a cane, and a velvet waistcoat. He was a member of a +club; had an admission to the opera, and knew every face behind the +scenes; and was in the habit of using a number of French phrases in his +conversation, having picked up a smattering of that language during a +residence "on the Continent;" in fact, he had found it very convenient +at various times of his life to dwell in the city of Boulogne, where +he acquired a knowledge of smoking, ecarte, and billiards, which was +afterwards of great service to him. He knew all the best tables in +town, and the marker at Hunt's could only give him ten. He had some +fashionable acquaintances too, and you might see him walking arm-in-arm +with such gentlemen as my Lord Vauxhall, the Marquess of Billingsgate, +or Captain Buff; and at the same time nodding to young Moses, the +dandy bailiff; or Loder, the gambling-house keeper; or Aminadab, the +cigar-seller in the Quadrant. Sometimes he wore a pair of moustaches, +and was called Captain Walker; grounding his claim to that title upon +the fact of having once held a commission in the service of Her Majesty +the Queen of Portugal. It scarcely need be said that he had been through +the Insolvent Court many times. But to those who did not know his +history intimately there was some difficulty in identifying him with the +individual who had so taken the benefit of the law, inasmuch as in +his schedule his name appeared as Hooker Walker, wine-merchant, +commission-agent, music-seller, or what not. The fact is, that though he +preferred to call himself Howard, Hooker was his Christian name, and it +had been bestowed on him by his worthy old father, who was a clergyman, +and had intended his son for that profession. But as the old gentleman +died in York gaol, where he was a prisoner for debt, he was never able +to put his pious intentions with regard to his son into execution; and +the young fellow (as he was wont with many oaths to assert) was thrown +on his own resources, and became a man of the world at a very early age. + +What Mr. Howard Walker's age was at the time of the commencement of this +history, and, indeed, for an indefinite period before or afterwards, it +is impossible to determine. If he were eight-and-twenty, as he asserted +himself, Time had dealt hardly with him: his hair was thin, there were +many crows'-feet about his eyes, and other signs in his countenance +of the progress of decay. If, on the contrary, he were forty, as Sam +Snaffle declared, who himself had misfortunes in early life, and vowed +he knew Mr. Walker in Whitecross Street Prison in 1820, he was a very +young-looking person considering his age. His figure was active and +slim, his leg neat, and he had not in his whiskers a single white hair. + +It must, however, be owned that he used Mr. Eglantine's Regenerative +Unction (which will make your whiskers as black as your boot), and, in +fact, he was a pretty constant visitor at that gentleman's emporium; +dealing with him largely for soaps and articles of perfumery, which he +had at an exceedingly low rate. Indeed, he was never known to pay Mr. +Eglantine one single shilling for those objects of luxury, and, having +them on such moderate terms, was enabled to indulge in them pretty +copiously. Thus Mr. Walker was almost as great a nosegay as Mr. +Eglantine himself: his handkerchief was scented with verbena, his hair +with jessamine, and his coat had usually a fine perfume of cigars, which +rendered his presence in a small room almost instantaneously remarkable. +I have described Mr. Walker thus accurately, because, in truth, it +is more with characters than with astounding events that this little +history deals, and Mr. Walker is one of the principal of our dramatis +personae. + +And so, having introduced Mr. W., we will walk over with him to Mr. +Eglantine's emporium, where that gentleman is in waiting, too, to have +his likeness taken. + +There is about an acre of plate glass under the Royal arms on Mr. +Eglantine's shop-window; and at night, when the gas is lighted, and the +washballs are illuminated, and the lambent flame plays fitfully over +numberless bottles of vari-coloured perfumes--now flashes on a case +of razors, and now lightens up a crystal vase, containing a hundred +thousand of his patent tooth-brushes--the effect of the sight may be +imagined. You don't suppose that he is a creature who has those odious, +simpering wax figures in his window, that are called by the vulgar +dummies? He is above such a wretched artifice; and it is my belief +that he would as soon have his own head chopped off, and placed as a +trunkless decoration to his shop-window, as allow a dummy to figure +there. On one pane you read in elegant gold letters "Eglantinia"--'tis +his essence for the handkerchief; on the other is written "Regenerative +Unction"--'tis his invaluable pomatum for the hair. + +There is no doubt about it: Eglantine's knowledge of his profession +amounts to genius. He sells a cake of soap for seven shillings, for +which another man would not get a shilling, and his tooth-brushes go off +like wildfire at half-a-guinea apiece. If he has to administer rouge or +pearl-powder to ladies, he does it with a mystery and fascination which +there is no resisting, and the ladies believe there are no cosmetics +like his. He gives his wares unheard-of names, and obtains for them sums +equally prodigious. He CAN dress hair--that is a fact--as few men in +this age can; and has been known to take twenty pounds in a single +night from as many of the first ladies of England when ringlets were in +fashion. The introduction of bands, he says, made a difference of two +thousand pounds a year in his income; and if there is one thing in the +world he hates and despises, it is a Madonna. "I'm not," says he, "a +tradesman--I'm a HARTIST" (Mr. Eglantine was born in London)--"I'm a +hartist; and show me a fine 'ead of air, and I'll dress it for nothink." +He vows that it was his way of dressing Mademoiselle Sontag's hair, that +caused the count her husband to fall in love with her; and he has a lock +of it in a brooch, and says it was the finest head he ever saw, except +one, and that was Morgiana Crump's. + +With his genius and his position in the profession, how comes it, then, +that Mr. Eglantine was not a man of fortune, as many a less clever has +been? If the truth must be told, he loved pleasure, and was in the hands +of the Jews. He had been in business twenty years: he had borrowed a +thousand pounds to purchase his stock and shop; and he calculated that +he had paid upwards of twenty thousand pounds for the use of the one +thousand, which was still as much due as on the first day when he +entered business. He could show that he had received a thousand dozen +of champagne from the disinterested money-dealers with whom he usually +negotiated his paper. He had pictures all over his "studios," which had +been purchased in the same bargains. If he sold his goods at an enormous +price, he paid for them at a rate almost equally exorbitant. There +was not an article in his shop but came to him through his Israelite +providers; and in the very front shop itself sat a gentleman who was the +nominee of one of them, and who was called Mr. Mossrose. He was there to +superintend the cash account, and to see that certain instalments were +paid to his principals, according to certain agreements entered into +between Mr. Eglantine and them. + +Having that sort of opinion of Mr. Mossrose which Damocles may have had +of the sword which hung over his head, of course Mr. Eglantine hated his +foreman profoundly. "HE an artist," would the former gentleman exclaim; +"why, he's only a disguised bailiff! Mossrose indeed! The chap's name's +Amos, and he sold oranges before he came here." Mr. Mossrose, on his +side, utterly despised Mr. Eglantine, and looked forward to the day when +he would become the proprietor of the shop, and take Eglantine for a +foreman; and then it would HIS turn to sneer and bully, and ride the +high horse. + +Thus it will be seen that there was a skeleton in the great perfumer's +house, as the saying is: a worm in his heart's core, and though to all +appearance prosperous, he was really in an awkward position. + +What Mr. Eglantine's relations were with Mr. Walker may be imagined from +the following dialogue which took place between the two gentlemen at +five o'clock one summer's afternoon, when Mr. Walker, issuing from his +chambers, came across to the perfumer's shop:-- + +"Is Eglantine at home, Mr. Mossrose?" said Walker to the foreman, who +sat in the front shop. + +"Don't know--go and look" (meaning go and be hanged); for Mossrose also +hated Mr. Walker. + +"If you're uncivil I'll break your bones, Mr. AMOS," says Mr. Walker, +sternly. + +"I should like to see you try, Mr. HOOKER Walker," replies the undaunted +shopman; on which the Captain, looking several tremendous canings at +him, walked into the back room or "studio." + +"How are you, Tiny my buck?" says the Captain. "Much doing?" + +"Not a soul in town. I 'aven't touched the hirons all day," replied Mr. +Eglantine, in rather a desponding way. + +"Well, just get them ready now, and give my whiskers a turn. I'm going +to dine with Billingsgate and some out-and-out fellows at the 'Regent,' +and so, my lad, just do your best." + +"I can't," says Mr. Eglantine. "I expect ladies, Captain, every minute." + +"Very good; I don't want to trouble such a great man, I'm sure. +Good-bye, and let me hear from you THIS DAY WEEK, Mr. Eglantine." +"This day week" meant that at seven days from that time a certain bill +accepted by Mr. Eglantine would be due, and presented for payment. + +"Don't be in such a hurry, Captain--do sit down. I'll curl you in one +minute. And, I say, won't the party renew?" + +"Impossible--it's the third renewal." + +"But I'll make the thing handsome to you;--indeed I will." + +"How much?" + +"Will ten pounds do the business?" + +"What! offer my principal ten pounds? Are you mad, Eglantine?--A little +more of the iron to the left whisker." + +"No, I meant for commission." + +"Well, I'll see if that will do. The party I deal with, Eglantine, has +power, I know, and can defer the matter no doubt. As for me, you know, +I'VE nothing to do in the affair, and only act as a friend between you +and him. I give you my honour and soul, I do." + +"I know you do, my dear sir." The last two speeches were lies. The +perfumer knew perfectly well that Mr. Walker would pocket the ten +pounds; but he was too easy to care for paying it, and too timid to +quarrel with such a powerful friend. And he had on three different +occasions already paid ten pounds' fine for the renewal of the bill in +question, all of which bonuses he knew went to his friend Mr. Walker. + +Here, too, the reader will perceive what was, in part, the meaning of +the word "Agency" on Mr. Walker's door. He was a go-between between +money-lenders and borrowers in this world, and certain small sums always +remained with him in the course of the transaction. He was an agent for +wine, too; an agent for places to be had through the influence of +great men; he was an agent for half-a-dozen theatrical people, male and +female, and had the interests of the latter especially, it was said, +at heart. Such were a few of the means by which this worthy gentleman +contrived to support himself, and if, as he was fond of high living, +gambling, and pleasures of all kinds, his revenue was not large enough +for his expenditure--why, he got into debt, and settled his bills that +way. He was as much at home in the Fleet as in Pall Mall, and quite as +happy in the one place as in the other. "That's the way I take things," +would this philosopher say. "If I've money, I spend; if I've credit, +I borrow; if I'm dunned, I whitewash; and so you can't beat me down." +Happy elasticity of temperament! I do believe that, in spite of his +misfortunes and precarious position, there was no man in England whose +conscience was more calm, and whose slumbers were more tranquil, than +those of Captain Howard Walker. + +As he was sitting under the hands of Mr. Eglantine, he reverted to "the +ladies," whom the latter gentleman professed to expect; said he was a +sly dog, a lucky ditto, and asked him if the ladies were handsome. + +Eglantine thought there could be no harm in telling a bouncer to a +gentleman with whom he was engaged in money transactions; and so, to +give the Captain an idea of his solvency and the brilliancy of his +future prospects, "Captain," said he, "I've got a hundred and eighty +pounds out with you, which you were obliging enough to negotiate for me. +Have I, or have I not, two bills out to that amount?" + +"Well, my good fellow, you certainly have; and what then?" + +"What then? Why, I bet you five pounds to one, that in three months +those bills are paid." + +"Done! five pounds to one. I take it." + +This sudden closing with him made the perfumer rather uneasy; but he was +not to pay for three months, and so he said, "Done!" too, and went on: +"What would you say if your bills were paid?" + +"Not mine; Pike's." + +"Well, if Pike's were paid; and the Minories' man paid, and every single +liability I have cleared off; and that Mossrose flung out of winder, and +me and my emporium as free as hair?" + +"You don't say so? Is Queen Anne dead? and has she left you a fortune? +or what's the luck in the wind now?" + +"It's better than Queen Anne, or anybody dying. What should you say to +seeing in that very place where Mossrose now sits (hang him!)--seeing +the FINEST HEAD OF 'AIR NOW IN EUROPE? A woman, I tell you--a +slap-up lovely woman, who, I'm proud to say, will soon be called Mrs. +Heglantine, and will bring me five thousand pounds to her fortune." + +"Well, Tiny, this IS good luck indeed. I say, you'll be able to do a +bill or two for ME then, hay? You won't forget an old friend?" + +"That I won't. I shall have a place at my board for you, Capting; and +many's the time I shall 'ope to see you under that ma'ogany." + +"What will the French milliner say? She'll hang herself for despair, +Eglantine." + +"Hush! not a word about 'ER. I've sown all my wild oats, I tell you. +Eglantine is no longer the gay young bachelor, but the sober married +man. I want a heart to share the feelings of mine. I want repose. I'm +not so young as I was: I feel it." + +"Pooh! pooh! you are--you are--" + +"Well, but I sigh for an 'appy fireside; and I'll have it." + +"And give up that club which you belong to, hay?" + +"'The Kidneys?' Oh! of course, no married man should belong to such +places: at least, I'LL not; and I'll have my kidneys broiled at home. +But be quiet, Captain, if you please; the ladies appointed to--" + +"And is it THE lady you expect? eh, you rogue!" + +"Well, get along. It's her and her Ma." + +But Mr. Walker determined he wouldn't get along, and would see these +lovely ladies before he stirred. + +The operation on Mr. Walker's whiskers being concluded, he was arranging +his toilet before the glass in an agreeable attitude: his neck out, +his enormous pin settled in his stock to his satisfaction, his eyes +complacently directed towards the reflection of his left and favourite +whisker. Eglantine was laid on a settee, in an easy, though melancholy +posture; he was twiddling the tongs with which he had just operated on +Walker with one hand, and his right-hand ringlet with the other, and he +was thinking--thinking of Morgiana; and then of the bill which was to +become due on the 16th; and then of a light-blue velvet waistcoat with +gold sprigs, in which he looked very killing, and so was trudging round +in his little circle of loves, fears, and vanities. "Hang it!" Mr. +Walker was thinking, "I AM a handsome man. A pair of whiskers like mine +are not met with every day. If anybody can see that my tuft is dyed, may +I be--" When the door was flung open, and a large lady with a curl +on her forehead, yellow shawl, a green-velvet bonnet with feathers, +half-boots, and a drab gown with tulips and other large exotics painted +on it--when, in a word, Mrs. Crump and her daughter bounced into the +room. + +"Here we are, Mr. E," cries Mrs. Crump, in a gay folatre confidential +air. "But law! there's a gent in the room!" + +"Don't mind me, ladies," said the gent alluded to, in his fascinating +way. "I'm a friend of Eglantine's; ain't I, Egg? a chip of the old +block, hay?" + +"THAT you are," said the perfumer, starting up. + +"An 'air-dresser?" asked Mrs. Crump. "Well, I thought he was; there's +something, Mr. E., in gentlemen of your profession so exceeding, so +uncommon distangy." + +"Madam, you do me proud," replied the gentleman so complimented, with +great presence of mind. "Will you allow me to try my skill upon you, or +upon Miss, your lovely daughter? I'm not so clever as Eglantine, but no +bad hand, I assure you." + +"Nonsense, Captain," interrupted the perfumer, who was uncomfortable +somehow at the rencontre between the Captain and the object of his +affection. "HE'S not in the profession, Mrs. C. This is my friend +Captain Walker, and proud I am to call him my friend." And then aside to +Mrs. C., "One of the first swells on town, ma'am--a regular tiptopper." + +Humouring the mistake which Mrs. Crump had just made, Mr. Walker thrust +the curling-irons into the fire in a minute, and looked round at the +ladies with such a fascinating grace, that both, now made acquainted +with his quality, blushed and giggled, and were quite pleased. Mamma +looked at 'Gina, and 'Gina looked at mamma; and then mamma gave 'Gina a +little blow in the region of her little waist, and then both burst out +laughing, as ladies will laugh, and as, let us trust, they may laugh +for ever and ever. Why need there be a reason for laughing? Let us laugh +when we are laughy, as we sleep when we are sleepy. And so Mrs. Crump +and her demoiselle laughed to their hearts' content; and both fixed +their large shining black eyes repeatedly on Mr. Walker. + +"I won't leave the room," said he, coming forward with the heated iron +in his hand, and smoothing it on the brown paper with all the dexterity +of a professor (for the fact is, Mr. W. every morning curled his own +immense whiskers with the greatest skill and care)--"I won't leave the +room, Eglantine my boy. My lady here took me for a hairdresser, and so, +you know, I've a right to stay." + +"He can't stay," said Mrs. Crump, all of a sudden, blushing as red as a +peony. + +"I shall have on my peignoir, Mamma," said Miss, looking at the +gentleman, and then dropping down her eyes and blushing too. + +"But he can't stay, 'Gina, I tell you: do you think that I would, before +a gentleman, take off my--" + +"Mamma means her FRONT!" said Miss, jumping up, and beginning to laugh +with all her might; at which the honest landlady of the "Bootjack," who +loved a joke, although at her own expense, laughed too, and said that no +one, except Mr. Crump and Mr. Eglantine, had ever seen her without the +ornament in question. + +"DO go now, you provoking thing, you!" continued Miss C. to Mr. Walker; +"I wish to hear the hoverture, and it's six o'clock now, and we shall +never be done against then:" but the way in which Morgiana said "DO go," +clearly indicated "don't" to the perspicacious mind of Mr. Walker. + +"Perhaps you 'ad better go," continued Mr. Eglantine, joining in this +sentiment, and being, in truth, somewhat uneasy at the admiration which +his "swell friend" excited. + +"I'll see you hanged first, Eggy my boy! Go I won't, until these ladies +have had their hair dressed: didn't you yourself tell me that Miss +Crump's was the most beautiful hair in Europe? And do you think that +I'll go away without seeing it? No, here I stay." + +"You naughty wicked odious provoking man!" said Miss Crump. But, at the +same time, she took off her bonnet, and placed it on one of the side +candlesticks of Mr. Eglantine's glass (it was a black-velvet bonnet, +trimmed with sham lace, and with a wreath of nasturtiums, convolvuluses, +and wallflowers within), and then said, "Give me the peignoir, Mr. +Archibald, if you please;" and Eglantine, who would do anything for her +when she called him Archibald, immediately produced that garment, and +wrapped round the delicate shoulders of the lady, who, removing a sham +gold chain which she wore on her forehead, two brass hair-combs set with +glass rubies, and the comb which kept her back hair together--removing +them, I say, and turning her great eyes towards the stranger, and giving +her head a shake, down let tumble such a flood of shining waving heavy +glossy jetty hair, as would have done Mr. Rowland's heart good to see. +It tumbled down Miss Morgiana's back, and it tumbled over her shoulders, +it tumbled over the chair on which she sat, and from the midst of it her +jolly bright-eyed rosy face beamed out with a triumphant smile, which +said, "A'n't I now the most angelic being you ever saw?" + +"By Heaven! it's the most beautiful thing I ever saw!" cried Mr. Walker, +with undisguised admiration. + +"ISN'T it?" said Mrs. Crump, who made her daughter's triumph her own. +"Heigho! when I acted at 'The Wells' in 1820, before that dear girl was +born, _I_ had such a head of hair as that, to a shade, sir, to a shade. +They called me Ravenswing on account of it. I lost my head of hair when +that dear child was born, and I often say to her, 'Morgiana, you came +into the world to rob your mother of her 'air.' Were you ever at 'The +Wells,' sir, in 1820? Perhaps you recollect Miss Delancy? I am that Miss +Delancy. Perhaps you recollect,-- + + "'Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, + By the light of the star, + On the blue river's brink, + I heard a guitar. + + "'I heard a guitar, + On the blue waters clear, + And knew by its mu-u-sic, + That Selim was near!' + +You remember that in the 'Bagdad Bells'? Fatima, Delancy; Selim, +Benlomond (his real name was Bunnion: and he failed, poor fellow, in +the public line afterwards). It was done to the tambourine, and dancing +between each verse,-- + + "'Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, + How the soft music swells, + And I hear the soft clink + Of the minaret bells! + + "'Tink-a--'" + +"Oh!" here cried Miss Crump, as if in exceeding pain (and whether Mr. +Eglantine had twitched, pulled, or hurt any one individual hair of that +lovely head I don't know)--"Oh, you are killing me, Mr. Eglantine!" + +And with this mamma, who was in her attitude, holding up the end of her +boa as a visionary tambourine, and Mr. Walker, who was looking at her, +and in his amusement at the mother's performances had almost forgotten +the charms of the daughter--both turned round at once, and looked at +her with many expressions of sympathy, while Eglantine, in a voice of +reproach, said, "KILLED you, Morgiana! I kill YOU?" + +"I'm better now," said the young lady, with a smile--"I'm better, Mr. +Archibald, now." And if the truth must be told, no greater coquette than +Miss Morgiana existed in all Mayfair--no, not among the most fashionable +mistresses of the fashionable valets who frequented the "Bootjack." She +believed herself to be the most fascinating creature that the world ever +produced; she never saw a stranger but she tried these fascinations upon +him; and her charms of manner and person were of that showy sort which +is most popular in this world, where people are wont to admire most that +which gives them the least trouble to see; and so you will find a tulip +of a woman to be in fashion when a little humble violet or daisy of +creation is passed over without remark. Morgiana was a tulip among +women, and the tulip fanciers all came flocking round her. + +Well, the said "Oh" and "I'm better now, Mr. Archibald," thereby +succeeded in drawing everybody's attention to her lovely self. By the +latter words Mr. Eglantine was specially inflamed; he glanced at Mr. +Walker, and said, "Capting! didn't I tell you she was a CREECHER? See +her hair, sir: it's as black and as glossy as satting. It weighs fifteen +pound, that hair, sir; and I wouldn't let my apprentice--that blundering +Mossrose, for instance (hang him!)--I wouldn't let anyone but myself +dress that hair for five hundred guineas! Ah, Miss Morgiana, remember +that you MAY ALWAYS have Eglantine to dress your hair!--remember that, +that's all." And with this the worthy gentleman began rubbing delicately +a little of the Eglantinia into those ambrosial locks, which he loved +with all the love of a man and an artist. + +And as for Morgiana showing her hair, I hope none of my readers will +entertain a bad opinion of the poor girl for doing so. Her locks were +her pride; she acted at the private theatre "hair parts," where she +could appear on purpose to show them in a dishevelled state; and that +her modesty was real, and not affected may be proved by the fact that +when Mr. Walker, stepping up in the midst of Eglantine's last speech, +took hold of a lock of her hair very gently with his hand, she cried +"Oh!" and started with all her might. And Mr. Eglantine observed +very gravely, "Capting! Miss Crump's hair is to be seen and not to be +touched, if you please." + +"No more it is, Mr. Eglantine!" said her mamma. "And now, as it's come +to my turn, I beg the gentleman will be so obliging as to go." + +"MUST I?" cried Mr. Walker; and as it was half-past six, and he was +engaged to dinner at the "Regent Club," and as he did not wish to make +Eglantine jealous, who evidently was annoyed by his staying, he took his +hat just as Miss Crump's coiffure was completed, and saluting her and +her mamma, left the room. + +"A tip-top swell, I can assure you," said Eglantine, nodding after him: +"a regular bang-up chap, and no MISTAKE. Intimate with the Marquess of +Billingsgate, and Lord Vauxhall, and that set." + +"He's very genteel," said Mrs. Crump. + +"Law! I'm sure I think nothing of him," said Morgiana. + +And Captain Walker walked towards his club, meditating on the beauties +of Morgiana. "What hair," said he, "what eyes the girl has! they're as +big as billiard-balls; and five thousand pounds. Eglantine's in luck! +five thousand pounds--she can't have it, it's impossible!" + +No sooner was Mrs. Crump's front arranged, during the time of which +operation Morgiana sat in perfect contentment looking at the last French +fashions in the Courrier des Dames, and thinking how her pink satin +slip would dye, and make just such a mantilla as that represented in the +engraving--no sooner was Mrs. Crump's front arranged, than both ladies, +taking leave of Mr. Eglantine, tripped back to the "Bootjack Hotel" in +the neighbourhood, where a very neat green fly was already in waiting, +the gentleman on the box of which (from a livery-stable in the +neighbourhood) gave a knowing touch to his hat, and a salute with his +whip, to the two ladies, as they entered the tavern. + +"Mr. W.'s inside," said the man--a driver from Mr. Snaffle's +establishment; "he's been in and out this score of times, and looking +down the street for you." And in the house, in fact, was Mr. Woolsey, +the tailor, who had hired the fly, and was engaged to conduct the ladies +that evening to the play. + +It was really rather too bad to think that Miss Morgiana, after going to +one lover to have her hair dressed, should go with another to the play; +but such is the way with lovely woman! Let her have a dozen admirers, +and the dear coquette will exercise her power upon them all: and as a +lady, when she has a large wardrobe, and a taste for variety in dress, +will appear every day in a different costume, so will the young and +giddy beauty wear her lovers, encouraging now the black whiskers, now +smiling on the brown, now thinking that the gay smiling rattle of an +admirer becomes her very well, and now adopting the sad sentimental +melancholy one, according as her changeful fancy prompts her. Let us not +be too angry with these uncertainties and caprices of beauty; and depend +on it that, for the most part, those females who cry out loudest against +the flightiness of their sisters, and rebuke their undue encouragement +of this man or that, would do as much themselves if they had the chance, +and are constant, as I am to my coat just now, because I have no other. + +"Did you see Doubleyou, 'Gina dear?" said her mamma, addressing that +young lady. "He's in the bar with your Pa, and has his military coat +with the king's buttons, and looks like an officer." + +This was Mr. Woolsey's style, his great aim being to look like an army +gent, for many of whom he in his capacity of tailor made those splendid +red and blue coats which characterise our military. As for the royal +button, had not he made a set of coats for his late Majesty, George +IV.? and he would add, when he narrated this circumstance, "Sir, Prince +Blucher and Prince Swartzenberg's measure's in the house now; and what's +more, I've cut for Wellington." I believe he would have gone to St. +Helena to make a coat for Napoleon, so great was his ardour. He wore a +blue-black wig, and his whiskers were of the same hue. He was brief and +stern in conversations; and he always went to masquerades and balls in a +field-marshal's uniform. + +"He looks really quite the thing to-night," continued Mrs. Crump. + +"Yes," said 'Gina; "but he's such an odious wig, and the dye of his +whiskers always comes off on his white gloves." + +"Everybody has not their own hair, love," continued Mrs. Crump with a +sigh; "but Eglantine's is beautiful." + +"Every hairdresser's is," answered Morgiana, rather contemptuously; +"but what I can't bear is that their fingers is always so very fat and +pudgy." + +In fact, something had gone wrong with the fair Morgiana. Was it that +she had but little liking for the one pretender or the other? Was it +that young Glauber, who acted Romeo in the private theatricals, was far +younger and more agreeable than either? Or was it, that seeing a +REAL GENTLEMAN, such as Mr. Walker, with whom she had had her first +interview, she felt more and more the want of refinement in her other +declared admirers? Certain, however, it is, that she was very reserved +all the evening, in spite of the attentions of Mr. Woolsey; that she +repeatedly looked round at the box-door, as if she expected someone to +enter; and that she partook of only a very few oysters, indeed, out of +the barrel which the gallant tailor had sent down to the "Bootjack," and +off which the party supped. + +"What is it?" said Mr. Woolsey to his ally, Crump, as they sat together +after the retirement of the ladies. "She was dumb all night. She never +once laughed at the farce, nor cried at the tragedy, and you know she +laughs and cries uncommon. She only took half her negus, and not above a +quarter of her beer." + +"No more she did!" replied Mr. Crump, very calmly. "I think it must +be the barber as has been captivating her: he dressed her hair for the +play." + +"Hang him, I'll shoot him!" said Mr. Woolsey. "A fat foolish effeminate +beast like that marry Miss Morgiana? Never! I WILL shoot him. I'll +provoke him next Saturday--I'll tread on his toe--I'll pull his nose." + +"No quarrelling at the 'Kidneys!'" answered Crump sternly; "there shall +be no quarrelling in that room as long as I'm in the chair!" + + +"Well, at any rate you'll stand my friend?" + +"You know I will," answered the other. "You are honourable, and I like +you better than Eglantine. I trust you more than Eglantine, sir. You're +more of a man than Eglantine, though you ARE a tailor; and I wish with +all my heart you may get Morgiana. Mrs. C. goes the other way, I know: +but I tell you what, women will go their own ways, sir, and Morgy's +like her mother in this point, and depend upon it, Morgy will decide for +herself." + +Mr. Woolsey presently went home, still persisting in his plan for the +assassination of Eglantine. Mr. Crump went to bed very quietly, and +snored through the night in his usual tone. Mr. Eglantine passed some +feverish moments of jealousy, for he had come down to the club in the +evening, and had heard that Morgiana was gone to the play with his +rival. And Miss Morgiana dreamed, of a man who was--must we say +it?--exceedingly like Captain Howard Walker. "Mrs. Captain So-and-so!" +thought she. "Oh, I do love a gentleman dearly!" + +And about this time, too, Mr. Walker himself came rolling home from +the "Regent," hiccupping. "Such hair!--such eyebrows!--such eyes! like +b-b-billiard-balls, by Jove!" + + + +CHAPTER II. IN WHICH MR. WALKER MAKES THREE ATTEMPTS TO ASCERTAIN THE +DWELLING OF MORGIANA. + +The day after the dinner at the "Regent Club," Mr. Walker stepped over +to the shop of his friend the perfumer, where, as usual, the young man, +Mr. Mossrose, was established in the front premises. + +For some reason or other, the Captain was particularly good-humoured; +and, quite forgetful of the words which had passed between him and Mr. +Eglantine's lieutenant the day before, began addressing the latter with +extreme cordiality. + +"A good morning to you, Mr. Mossrose," said Captain Walker. "Why, sir, +you look as fresh as your namesake--you do, indeed, now, Mossrose." + +"You look ash yellow ash a guinea," responded Mr. Mossrose, sulkily. He +thought the Captain was hoaxing him. + +"My good sir," replies the other, nothing cast down, "I drank rather too +freely last night." + +"The more beast you!" said Mr. Mossrose. + +"Thank you, Mossrose; the same to you," answered the Captain. + +"If you call me a beast, I'll punch your head off!" answered the young +man, who had much skill in the art which many of his brethren practise. + +"I didn't, my fine fellow," replied Walker. "On the contrary, you--" + +"Do you mean to give me the lie?" broke out the indignant Mossrose, who +hated the agent fiercely, and did not in the least care to conceal his +hate. + +In fact, it was his fixed purpose to pick a quarrel with Walker, and to +drive him, if possible, from Mr. Eglantine's shop. "Do you mean to give +me the lie, I say, Mr. Hooker Walker?" + +"For Heaven's sake, Amos, hold your tongue!" exclaimed the Captain, to +whom the name of Hooker was as poison; but at this moment a customer +stepping in, Mr. Amos exchanged his ferocious aspect for a bland grin, +and Mr. Walker walked into the studio. + +When in Mr. Eglantine's presence, Walker, too, was all smiles in a +minute, sank down on a settee, held out his hand to the perfumer, and +began confidentially discoursing with him. + +"SUCH a dinner, Tiny my boy," said he; "such prime fellows to eat +it, too! Billingsgate, Vauxhall, Cinqbars, Buff of the Blues, and +half-a-dozen more of the best fellows in town. And what do you think the +dinner cost a head? I'll wager you'll never guess." + +"Was it two guineas a head?--In course I mean without wine," said the +genteel perfumer. + +"Guess again!" + +"Well, was it ten guineas a head? I'll guess any sum you please," +replied Mr. Eglantine: "for I know that when you NOBS are together, you +don't spare your money. I myself, at the "Star and Garter" at Richmond, +once paid--" + +"Eighteenpence?" + +"Heighteenpence, sir!--I paid five-and-thirty shillings per 'ead. I'd +have you to know that I can act as a gentleman as well as any other +gentleman, sir," answered the perfumer with much dignity. + +"Well, eighteenpence was what WE paid, and not a rap more, upon my +honour." + +"Nonsense, you're joking. The Marquess of Billinsgate dine for +eighteenpence! Why, hang it, if I was a marquess, I'd pay a five-pound +note for my lunch." + +"You little know the person, Master Eglantine," replied the Captain, +with a smile of contemptuous superiority; "you little know the real +man of fashion, my good fellow. Simplicity, sir--simplicity's the +characteristic of the real gentleman, and so I'll tell you what we had +for dinner." + +"Turtle and venison, of course:--no nob dines without THEM." + +"Psha! we're sick of 'em! We had pea soup and boiled tripe! What do you +think of THAT? We had sprats and herrings, a bullock's heart, a baked +shoulder of mutton and potatoes, pig's-fry and Irish stew. _I_ ordered +the dinner, sir, and got more credit for inventing it than they ever +gave to Ude or Soyer. The Marquess was in ecstasies, the Earl devoured +half a bushel of sprats, and if the Viscount is not laid up with a +surfeit of bullock's heart, my name's not Howard Walker. Billy, as I +call him, was in the chair, and gave my health; and what do you think +the rascal proposed?" + +"What DID his Lordship propose?" + +"That every man present should subscribe twopence, and pay for my share +of the dinner. By Jove! it is true, and the money was handed to me in +a pewter-pot, of which they also begged to make me a present. We +afterwards went to Tom Spring's, from Tom's to the 'Finish,' from the +'Finish' to the watch-house--that is, THEY did--and sent for me, just as +I was getting into bed, to bail them all out." + +"They're happy dogs, those young noblemen," said Mr Eglantine; "nothing +but pleasure from morning till night; no affectation neither--no HOTURE; +but manly downright straightforward good fellows." + +"Should you like to meet them, Tiny my boy?" said the Captain. + +"If I did sir, I hope I should show myself to be gentleman," answered +Mr. Eglantine. + +"Well, you SHALL meet them, and Lady Billingsgate shall order her +perfumes at your shop. We are going to dine, next week, all our set, +at Mealy-faced Bob's, and you shall be my guest," cried the Captain, +slapping the delighted artist on the back. "And now, my boy, tell me how +YOU spent the evening." + +"At my club, sir," answered Mr. Eglantine, blushing rather. + +"What! not at the play with the lovely black-eyed Miss--What is her +name, Eglantine? + +"Never mind her name, Captain," replied Eglantine, partly from prudence +and partly from shame. He had not the heart to own it was Crump, and he +did not care that the Captain should know more of his destined bride. + +"You wish to keep the five thousand to yourself--eh, you rogue?" +responded the Captain, with a good-humoured air, although exceedingly +mortified; for, to say the truth, he had put himself to the trouble +of telling the above long story of the dinner, and of promising to +introduce Eglantine to the lords, solely that he might elicit from that +gentleman's good-humour some further particulars regarding the young +lady with the billiard-ball eyes. It was for the very same reason, too, +that he had made the attempt at reconciliation with Mr. Mossrose which +had just so signally failed. Nor would the reader, did he know Mr. W. +better, at all require to have the above explanation; but as yet we are +only at the first chapter of his history, and who is to know what the +hero's motives can be unless we take the trouble to explain? + +Well, the little dignified answer of the worthy dealer in bergamot, +"NEVER MIND HER NAME, CAPTAIN!" threw the gallant Captain quite aback; +and though he sat for a quarter of an hour longer, and was exceedingly +kind; and though he threw out some skilful hints, yet the perfumer was +quite unconquerable; or, rather, he was too frightened to tell: the +poor fat timid easy good-natured gentleman was always the prey of +rogues,--panting and floundering in one rascal's snare or another's. He +had the dissimulation, too, which timid men have; and felt the presence +of a victimiser as a hare does of a greyhound. Now he would be quite +still, now he would double, and now he would run, and then came the end. +He knew, by his sure instinct of fear, that the Captain had, in asking +these questions, a scheme against him, and so he was cautious, and +trembled, and doubted. And oh! how he thanked his stars when Lady +Grogmore's chariot drove up, with the Misses Grogmore, who wanted their +hair dressed, and were going to a breakfast at three o'clock! + +"I'll look in again, Tiny," said the Captain, on hearing the summons. + +"DO, Captain," said the other: "THANK YOU;" and went into the lady's +studio with a heavy heart. + +"Get out of the way, you infernal villain!" roared the Captain, with +many oaths, to Lady Grogmore's large footman, with ruby-coloured tights, +who was standing inhaling the ten thousand perfumes of the shop; and the +latter, moving away in great terror, the gallant agent passed out, quite +heedless of the grin of Mr. Mossrose. + +Walker was in a fury at his want of success, and walked down Bond Street +in a fury. "I WILL know where the girl lives!" swore he. "I'll spend a +five-pound note, by Jove! rather than not know where she lives!" + +"THAT YOU WOULD--I KNOW YOU WOULD!" said a little grave low voice, all +of a sudden, by his side. "Pooh! what's money to you?" + +Walker looked down: it was Tom Dale. + +Who in London did not know little Tom Dale? He had cheeks like an apple, +and his hair curled every morning, and a little blue stock, and always +two new magazines under his arm, and an umbrella and a little brown +frock-coat, and big square-toed shoes with which he went PAPPING down +the street. He was everywhere at once. Everybody met him every day, and +he knew everything that everybody ever did; though nobody ever knew what +HE did. He was, they say, a hundred years old, and had never dined at +his own charge once in those hundred years. He looked like a figure out +of a waxwork, with glassy clear meaningless eyes: he always spoke with +a grin; he knew what you had for dinner the day before he met you, and +what everybody had had for dinner for a century back almost. He was +the receptacle of all the scandal of all the world, from Bond Street +to Bread Street; he knew all the authors, all the actors, all the +"notorieties" of the town, and the private histories of each. That is, +he never knew anything really, but supplied deficiencies of truth and +memory with ready-coined, never-failing lies. He was the most benevolent +man in the universe, and never saw you without telling you everything +most cruel of your neighbour, and when he left you he went to do the +same kind turn by yourself. + +"Pooh! what's money to you, my dear boy?" said little Tom Dale, who had +just come out of Ebers's, where he had been filching an opera-ticket. +"You make it in bushels in the City, you know you do---in thousands. +I saw you go into Eglantine's. Fine business that; finest in London. +Five-shilling cakes of soap, my dear boy. I can't wash with such. +Thousands a year that man has made--hasn't he?" + +"Upon my word, Tom, I don't know," says the Captain. + +"YOU not know? Don't tell me. You know everything--you agents. You KNOW +he makes five thousand a year--ay, and might make ten, but you know why +he don't." + +"Indeed I don't." + +"Nonsense. Don't humbug a poor old fellow like me. Jews--Amos--fifty per +cent., ay? Why can't he get his money from a good Christian?" + +"I HAVE heard something of that sort," said Walker, laughing. "Why, by +Jove, Tom, you know everything!" + +"YOU know everything, my dear boy. You know what a rascally trick that +opera creature served him, poor fellow. Cashmere shawls--Storr and +Mortimer's--'Star and Garter.' Much better dine quiet off pea-soup and +sprats--ay? His betters have, as you know very well." + +"Pea-soup and sprats! What! have you heard of that already?" + +"Who bailed Lord Billingsgate, hey, you rogue?" and here Tom gave a +knowing and almost demoniacal grin. "Who wouldn't go to the 'Finish'? +Who had the piece of plate presented to him filled with sovereigns? And +you deserved it, my dear boy--you deserved it. They said it was only +halfpence, but I know better!" and here Tom went off in a cough. + +"I say, Tom," cried Walker, inspired with a sudden thought, "you, who +know everything, and are a theatrical man, did you ever know a Miss +Delancy, an actress?" + +"At 'Sadler's Wells' in '16? Of course I did. Real name was Budge. Lord +Slapper admired her very much, my dear boy. She married a man by the +name of Crump, his Lordship's black footman, and brought him five +thousand pounds; and they keep the 'Bootjack' public-house in Bunker's +Buildings, and they've got fourteen children. Is one of them handsome, +eh, you sly rogue--and is it that which you will give five pounds to +know? God bless you, my dear dear boy. Jones, my dear friend, how are +you?" + +And now, seizing on Jones, Tom Dale left Mr. Walker alone, and proceeded +to pour into Mr. Jones's ear an account of the individual whom he had +just quitted; how he was the best fellow in the world, and Jones KNEW +it; how he was in a fine way of making his fortune; how he had been in +the Fleet many times, and how he was at this moment employed in looking +out for a young lady of whom a certain great marquess (whom Jones knew +very well, too) had expressed an admiration. + +But for these observations, which he did not hear, Captain Walker, it +may be pronounced, did not care. His eyes brightened up, he marched +quickly and gaily away; and turning into his own chambers opposite +Eglantine's, shop, saluted that establishment with a grin of triumph. +"You wouldn't tell me her name, wouldn't you?" said Mr. Walker. "Well, +the luck's with me now, and here goes." + +Two days after, as Mr. Eglantine, with white gloves and a case of +eau-de-Cologne as a present in his pocket, arrived at the "Bootjack +Hotel," Little Bunker's Buildings, Berkeley Square (for it must +out--that was the place in which Mr. Crump's inn was situated), +he paused for a moment at the threshold of the little house of +entertainment, and listened, with beating heart, to the sound of +delicious music that a well-known voice was uttering within. + +The moon was playing in silvery brightness down the gutter of the humble +street. A "helper," rubbing down one of Lady Smigsmag's carriage-horses, +even paused in his whistle to listen to the strain. Mr. Tressle's man, +who had been professionally occupied, ceased his tap-tap upon the coffin +which he was getting in readiness. The greengrocer (there is always a +greengrocer in those narrow streets, and he goes out in white Berlin +gloves as a supernumerary footman) was standing charmed at his little +green gate; the cobbler (there is always a cobbler too) was drunk, as +usual, of evenings, but, with unusual subordination, never sang except +when the refrain of the ditty arrived, when he hiccupped it forth with +tipsy loyalty; and Eglantine leaned against the chequers painted on +the door-side under the name of Crump, and looked at the red illumined +curtain of the bar, and the vast well-known shadow of Mrs. Crump's +turban within. Now and again the shadow of that worthy matron's hand +would be seen to grasp the shadow of a bottle; then the shadow of a +cup would rise towards the turban, and still the strain proceeded. +Eglantine, I say, took out his yellow bandanna, and brushed the beady +drops from his brow, and laid the contents of his white kids on his +heart, and sighed with ecstatic sympathy. The song began,-- + + "Come to the greenwood tree, [1] + Come where the dark woods be, + Dearest, O come with me! + Let us rove--O my love--O my love! + O my-y love! + +(Drunken Cobbler without) + O my-y love!" + +"Beast!" says Eglantine. + + "Come--'tis the moonlight hour, + Dew is on leaf and flower, + Come to the linden bower, + Let us rove--O my love--O my love! + Let us ro-o-ove, lurlurliety; yes, we'll rove, lurlurliety, + Through the gro-o-ove, lurlurliety--lurlurli-e-i-e-i-e-i! + +(Cobbler, as usual)-- + Let us ro-o-ove," etc. + +"YOU here?" says another individual, coming clinking up the street, in +a military-cut dress-coat, the buttons whereof shone very bright in the +moonlight. "YOU here, Eglantine?--You're always here." + +"Hush, Woolsey," said Mr. Eglantine to his rival the tailor (for he +was the individual in question); and Woolsey, accordingly, put his +back against the opposite door-post and chequers, so that (with poor +Eglantine's bulk) nothing much thicker than a sheet of paper could pass +out or in. And thus these two amorous caryatides kept guard as the song +continued:-- + + "Dark is the wood, and wide, + Dangers, they say, betide; + But, at my Albert's side, + Nought, I fear, O my love--O my love! + + "Welcome the greenwood tree, + Welcome the forest tree, + Dearest, with thee, with thee, + Nought I fear, O my love--O ma-a-y love!" + +Eglantine's fine eyes were filled with tears as Morgiana passionately +uttered the above beautiful words. Little Woolsey's eyes glistened, as +he clenched his fist with an oath, and said, "Show me any singing that +can beat THAT. Cobbler, shut your mouth, or I'll break your head!" + +But the cobbler, regardless of the threat, continued to perform the +"Lurlurliety" with great accuracy; and when that was ended, both on his +part and Morgiana's, a rapturous knocking of glasses was heard in the +little bar, then a great clapping of hands, and finally somebody shouted +"Brava!" + +"Brava!" + +At that word Eglantine turned deadly pale, then gave a start, then a +rush forward, which pinned, or rather cushioned, the tailor against the +wall; then twisting himself abruptly round, he sprang to the door of the +bar, and bounced into that apartment. + +"HOW ARE YOU, MY NOSEGAY?" exclaimed the same voice which had shouted +"Brava!" It was that of Captain Walker. + +At ten o'clock the next morning, a gentleman, with the King's button +on his military coat, walked abruptly into Mr. Eglantine's shop, and, +turning on Mr. Mossrose, said, "Tell your master I want to see him." + +"He's in his studio," said Mr. Mossrose. + +"Well, then, fellow, go and fetch him!" + +And Mossrose, thinking it must be the Lord Chamberlain, or Doctor +Praetorius at least, walked into the studio, where the perfumer was +seated in a very glossy old silk dressing-gown, his fair hair hanging +over his white face, his double chin over his flaccid whity-brown +shirt-collar, his pea-green slippers on the hob, and on the fire the pot +of chocolate which was simmering for his breakfast. A lazier fellow +than poor Eglantine it would be hard to find; whereas, on the contrary, +Woolsey was always up and brushed, spick-and-span, at seven o'clock; and +had gone through his books, and given out the work for the journeymen, +and eaten a hearty breakfast of rashers of bacon, before Eglantine had +put the usual pound of grease to his hair (his fingers were always as +damp and shiny as if he had them in a pomatum-pot), and arranged his +figure for the day. + +"Here's a gent wants you in the shop," says Mr. Mossrose, leaving the +door of communication wide open. + +"Say I'm in bed, Mr. Mossrose; I'm out of sperrets, and really can see +nobody." + +"It's someone from Vindsor, I think; he's got the royal button," says +Mossrose. + +"It's me--Woolsey," shouted the little man from the shop. + +Mr. Eglantine at this jumped up, made a rush to the door leading to his +private apartment, and disappeared in a twinkling. But it must not be +imagined that he fled in order to avoid Mr. Woolsey. He only went away +for one minute just to put on his belt, for he was ashamed to be seen +without it by his rival. + +This being assumed, and his toilet somewhat arranged, Mr. Woolsey was +admitted into his private room. And Mossrose would have heard every +word of the conversation between those two gentlemen, had not Woolsey, +opening the door, suddenly pounced on the assistant, taken him by +the collar, and told him to disappear altogether into the shop: which +Mossrose did; vowing he would have his revenge. + +The subject on which Woolsey had come to treat was an important one. +"Mr. Eglantine," says he, "there's no use disguising from one another +that we are both of us in love with Miss Morgiana, and that our chances +up to this time have been pretty equal. But that Captain whom you +introduced, like an ass as you were--" + +"An ass, Mr. Woolsey! I'd have you to know, sir, that I'm no more a hass +than you are, sir; and as for introducing the Captain, I did no such +thing." + +"Well, well, he's got a-poaching into our preserves somehow. He's +evidently sweet upon the young woman, and is a more fashionable chap +than either of us two. We must get him out of the house, sir--we must +circumwent him; and THEN, Mr. Eglantine, will be time enough for you and +me to try which is the best man." + +"HE the best man?" thought Eglantine; "the little bald unsightly +tailor-creature! A man with no more soul than his smoothing-hiron!" The +perfumer, as may be imagined, did not utter this sentiment aloud, but +expressed himself quite willing to enter into any HAMICABLE arrangement +by which the new candidate for Miss Crump's favour must be thrown over. +It was accordingly agreed between the two gentlemen that they should +coalesce against the common enemy; that they should, by reciting many +perfectly well-founded stories in the Captain's disfavour, influence the +minds of Miss Crump's parents, and of herself, if possible, against this +wolf in sheep's clothing; and that, when they were once fairly rid of +him, each should be at liberty, as before, to prefer his own claim. + +"I have thought of a subject," said the little tailor, turning very red, +and hemming and hawing a great deal. "I've thought, I say, of a pint, +which may be resorted to with advantage at the present juncture, and in +which each of us may be useful to the other. An exchange, Mr. Eglantine: +do you take?" + +"Do you mean an accommodation-bill?" said Eglantine, whose mind ran a +good deal on that species of exchange. + +"Pooh, nonsense, sir! The name of OUR firm is, I flatter myself, a +little more up in the market than some other people's names." + +"Do you mean to insult the name of Archibald Eglantine, sir? I'd have +you to know that at three months--" + +"Nonsense!" says Mr. Woolsey, mastering his emotion. "There's no use +a-quarrelling, Mr. E.: we're not in love with each other, I know that. +You wish me hanged, or as good, I know that!" + +"Indeed I don't, sir!" + +"You do, sir; I tell you, you do! and what's more, I wish the same +to you--transported, at any rate! But as two sailors, when a boat's +a-sinking, though they hate each other ever so much, will help and bale +the boat out; so, sir, let US act: let us be the two sailors." + +"Bail, sir?" said Eglantine, as usual mistaking the drift of the +argument. "I'll bail no man! If you're in difficulties, I think you had +better go to your senior partner, Mr Woolsey." And Eglantine's cowardly +little soul was filled with a savage satisfaction to think that his +enemy was in distress, and actually obliged to come to HIM for succour. + +"You're enough to make Job swear, you great fat stupid lazy old barber!" +roared Mr. Woolsey, in a fury. + +Eglantine jumped up and made for the bell-rope. The gallant little +tailor laughed. + +"There's no need to call in Betsy," said he. "I'm not a-going to eat +you, Eglantine; you're a bigger man than me: if you were just to fall on +me, you'd smother me! Just sit still on the sofa and listen to reason." + +"Well, sir, pro-ceed," said the barber with a gasp. + +"Now, listen! What's the darling wish of your heart? I know it, sir! +you've told it to Mr. Tressle, sir, and other gents at the club. The +darling wish of your heart, sir, is to have a slap-up coat turned out of +the ateliers of Messrs. Linsey, Woolsey and Company. You said you'd give +twenty guineas for one of our coats, you know you did! Lord Bolsterton's +a fatter man than you, and look what a figure we turn HIM out. Can any +firm in England dress Lord Bolsterton but us, so as to make his Lordship +look decent? I defy 'em, sir! We could have given Daniel Lambert a +figure!" + +"If I want a coat, sir," said Mr. Eglantine, "and I don't deny it, +there's some people want a HEAD OF HAIR!" + +"That's the very point I was coming to," said the tailor, resuming the +violent blush which was mentioned as having suffused his countenance +at the beginning of the conversation. "Let us have terms of mutual +accommodation. Make me a wig, Mr. Eglantine, and though I never yet cut +a yard of cloth except for a gentleman, I'll pledge you my word I'll +make you a coat." + +"WILL you, honour bright?" says Eglantine. + +"Honour bright," says the tailor. "Look!" and in an instant he drew +from his pocket one of those slips of parchment which gentlemen of his +profession carry, and putting Eglantine into the proper position, began +to take the preliminary observations. He felt Eglantine's heart +thump with happiness as his measure passed over that soft part of the +perfumer's person. + +Then pulling down the window-blind, and looking that the door was +locked, and blushing still more deeply than ever, the tailor seated +himself in an arm-chair towards which Mr. Eglantine beckoned him, and, +taking off his black wig, exposed his head to the great perruquier's +gaze. Mr. Eglantine looked at it, measured it, manipulated it, sat +for three minutes with his head in his hand and his elbow on his knee, +gazing at the tailor's cranium with all his might, walked round it twice +or thrice, and then said, "It's enough, Mr. Woolsey. Consider the job +as done. And now, sir," said he, with a greatly relieved air--"and now, +Woolsey, let us 'ave a glass of curacoa to celebrate this hauspicious +meeting." + +The tailor, however, stiffly replied that he never drank in a morning, +and left the room without offering to shake Mr. Eglantine by the hand: +for he despised that gentleman very heartily, and himself, too, for +coming to any compromise with him, and for so far demeaning himself as +to make a coat for a barber. + +Looking from his chambers on the other side of the street, that +inevitable Mr. Walker saw the tailor issuing from the perfumer's shop, +and was at no loss to guess that something extraordinary must be in +progress when two such bitter enemies met together. + + + +CHAPTER III. WHAT CAME OF MR WALKER'S DISCOVERY OF THE "BOOTJACK." + +It is very easy to state how the Captain came to take up that proud +position at the "Bootjack" which we have seen him occupy on the evening +when the sound of the fatal "Brava!" so astonished Mr. Eglantine. + +The mere entry into the establishment was, of course, not difficult. Any +person by simply uttering the words "A pint of beer," was free of the +"Bootjack;" and it was some such watchword that Howard Walker employed +when he made his first appearance. He requested to be shown into a +parlour, where he might repose himself for a while, and was ushered into +that very sanctum where the "Kidney Club" met. Then he stated that the +beer was the best he had ever tasted, except in Bavaria, and in some +parts of Spain, he added; and professing to be extremely "peckish," +requested to know if there were any cold meat in the house whereof he +could make a dinner. + +"I don't usually dine at this hour, landlord," said he, flinging down +a half-sovereign for payment of the beer; "but your parlour looks so +comfortable, and the Windsor chairs are so snug, that I'm sure I could +not dine better at the first club in London." + +"ONE of the first clubs in London is held in this very room," said Mr. +Crump, very well pleased; "and attended by some of the best gents in +town, too. We call it the 'Kidney Club'." + +"Why, bless my soul! it is the very club my friend Eglantine has so +often talked to me about, and attended by some of the tip-top tradesmen +of the metropolis!" + +"There's better men here than Mr. Eglantine," replied Mr. Crump, "though +he's a good man--I don't say he's not a good man--but there's better. +Mr. Clinker, sir; Mr. Woolsey, of the house of Linsey, Woolsey and Co--" + +"The great army-clothiers!" cried Walker; "the first house in town!" +and so continued, with exceeding urbanity, holding conversation with Mr. +Crump, until the honest landlord retired delighted, and told Mrs. Crump +in the bar that there was a tip-top swell in the "Kidney" parlour, who +was a-going to have his dinner there. + +Fortune favoured the brave Captain in every way. It was just Mr. Crump's +own dinner-hour; and on Mrs. Crump stepping into the parlour to ask the +guest whether he would like a slice of the joint to which the family +were about to sit down, fancy that lady's start of astonishment at +recognising Mr. Eglantine's facetious friend of the day before. The +Captain at once demanded permission to partake of the joint at the +family table; the lady could not with any great reason deny this +request; the Captain was inducted into the bar; and Miss Crump, who +always came down late for dinner, was even more astonished than her +mamma, on beholding the occupier of the fourth place at the table. Had +she expected to see the fascinating stranger so soon again? I think she +had. Her big eyes said as much, as, furtively looking up at Mr. Walker's +face, they caught his looks; and then bouncing down again towards her +plate, pretended to be very busy in looking at the boiled beef and +carrots there displayed. She blushed far redder than those carrots, but +her shining ringlets hid her confusion together with her lovely face. + +Sweet Morgiana! the billiard-ball eyes had a tremendous effect on the +Captain. They fell plump, as it were, into the pocket of his heart; and +he gallantly proposed to treat the company to a bottle of champagne, +which was accepted without much difficulty. + +Mr. Crump, under pretence of going to the cellar (where he said he had +some cases of the finest champagne in Europe), called Dick, the boy, +to him, and despatched him with all speed to a wine merchant's, where a +couple of bottles of the liquor were procured. + +"Bring up two bottles, Mr. C.," Captain Walker gallantly said when Crump +made his move, as it were, to the cellar and it may be imagined after +the two bottles were drunk (of which Mrs. Crump took at least nine +glasses to her share), how happy, merry, and confidential the whole +party had become. Crump told his story of the "Bootjack," and whose boot +it had drawn; the former Miss Delancy expatiated on her past theatrical +life, and the pictures hanging round the room. Miss was equally +communicative; and, in short, the Captain had all the secrets of the +little family in his possession ere sunset. He knew that Miss cared +little for either of her suitors, about whom mamma and papa had a little +quarrel. He heard Mrs. Crump talk of Morgiana's property, and fell more +in love with her than ever. Then came tea, the luscious crumpet, the +quiet game at cribbage, and the song--the song which poor Eglantine +heard, and which caused Woolsey's rage and his despair. + +At the close of the evening the tailor was in a greater rage, and the +perfumer in greater despair than ever. He had made his little present +of eau-de-Cologne. "Oh fie!" says the Captain, with a horse-laugh, "it +SMELLS OF THE SHOP!" He taunted the tailor about his wig, and the honest +fellow had only an oath to give by way of repartee. He told his stories +about his club and his lordly friends. What chance had either against +the all-accomplished Howard Walker? + +Old Crump, with a good innate sense of right and wrong, hated the man; +Mrs. Crump did not feel quite at her ease regarding him; but Morgiana +thought him the most delightful person the world ever produced. + +Eglantine's usual morning costume was a blue satin neck-cloth +embroidered with butterflies and ornamented with a brandy-ball brooch, a +light shawl waistcoat, and a rhubarb-coloured coat of the sort which, I +believe, are called Taglionis, and which have no waist-buttons, and made +a pretence, as it were, to have no waists, but are in reality adopted by +the fat in order to give them a waist. Nothing easier for an obese man +than to have a waist; he has but to pinch his middle part a little, and +the very fat on either side pushed violently forward MAKES a waist, +as it were, and our worthy perfumer's figure was that of a bolster cut +almost in two with a string. + +Walker presently saw him at his shop-door grinning in this costume, +twiddling his ringlets with his dumpy greasy fingers, glittering with +oil and rings, and looking so exceedingly contented and happy that the +estate-agent felt assured some very satisfactory conspiracy had been +planned between the tailor and him. How was Mr. Walker to learn what the +scheme was? Alas! the poor fellow's vanity and delight were such, that +he could not keep silent as to the cause of his satisfaction; and rather +than not mention it at all, in the fulness of his heart he would have +told his secret to Mr. Mossrose himself. + +"When I get my coat," thought the Bond Street Alnaschar, "I'll hire +of Snaffle that easy-going cream-coloured 'oss that he bought from +Astley's, and I'll canter through the Park, and WON'T I pass through +Little Bunker's Buildings, that's all? I'll wear my grey trousers with +the velvet stripe down the side, and get my spurs lacquered up, and a +French polish to my boot; and if I don't DO for the Captain, and the +tailor too, my name's not Archibald. And I know what I'll do: I'll hire +the small clarence, and invite the Crumps to dinner at the 'Gar and +Starter'" (this was his facetious way of calling the "Star and Garter"), +"and I'll ride by them all the way to Richmond. It's rather a long ride, +but with Snaffle's soft saddle I can do it pretty easy, I dare say." And +so the honest fellow built castles upon castles in the air; and the last +most beautiful vision of all was Miss Crump "in white satting, with a +horange flower in her 'air," putting him in possession of "her lovely +'and before the haltar of St. George's, 'Anover Square." As for Woolsey, +Eglantine determined that he should have the best wig his art could +produce; for he had not the least fear of his rival. + +These points then being arranged to the poor fellow's satisfaction, what +does he do but send out for half a quire of pink note-paper, and in a +filagree envelope despatch a note of invitation to the ladies at the +"Bootjack":-- + + +"BOWER OF BLOOM, BOND STREET: + +"Thursday. + +"MR. ARCHIBALD EGLANTINE presents his compliments to Mrs. and Miss +Crump, and requests the HONOUR AND PLEASURE of their company at the +'Star and Garter' at Richmond to an early dinner on Sunday next. + +"IF AGREEABLE, Mr. Eglantine's carriage will be at your door at three +o'clock, and I propose to accompany them on horseback, if agreeable +likewise." + + +This note was sealed with yellow wax, and sent to its destination; and +of course Mr. Eglantine went himself for the answer in the evening: and +of course he told the ladies to look out for a certain new coat he was +going to sport on Sunday; and of course Mr. Walker happens to call the +next day with spare tickets for Mrs. Crump and her daughter, when the +whole secret was laid bare to him--how the ladies were going to Richmond +on Sunday in Mr. Snaffle's clarence, and how Mr. Eglantine was to ride +by their side. + +Mr. Walker did not keep horses of his own; his magnificent friends at +the "Regent" had plenty in their stables, and some of these were at +livery at the establishment of the Captain's old "college" companion, +Mr. Snaffle. It was easy, therefore, for the Captain to renew his +acquaintance with that individual. So, hanging on the arm of my Lord +Vauxhall, Captain Walker next day made his appearance at Snaffle's +livery-stables, and looked at the various horses there for sale or +at bait, and soon managed, by putting some facetious questions to Mr. +Snaffle regarding the "Kidney Club," etc. to place himself on a friendly +footing with that gentleman, and to learn from him what horse Mr. +Eglantine was to ride on Sunday. + +The monster Walker had fully determined in his mind that Eglantine +should FALL off that horse in the course of his Sunday's ride. + +"That sing'lar hanimal," said Mr. Snaffle, pointing to the old horse, +"is the celebrated Hemperor that was the wonder of Hastley's some years +back, and was parted with by Mr. Ducrow honly because his feelin's +wouldn't allow him to keep him no longer after the death of the first +Mrs. D., who invariably rode him. I bought him, thinking that p'raps +ladies and Cockney bucks might like to ride him (for his haction is +wonderful, and he canters like a harm-chair); but he's not safe on any +day except Sundays." + +"And why's that?" asked Captain Walker. "Why is he safer on Sundays than +other days?" + +"BECAUSE THERE'S NO MUSIC in the streets on Sundays. The first gent that +rode him found himself dancing a quadrille in Hupper Brook Street to +an 'urdy-gurdy that was playing 'Cherry Ripe,' such is the natur of the +hanimal. And if you reklect the play of the 'Battle of Hoysterlitz,' in +which Mrs. D. hacted 'the female hussar,' you may remember how she +and the horse died in the third act to the toon of 'God preserve the +Emperor,' from which this horse took his name. Only play that toon to +him, and he rears hisself up, beats the hair in time with his forelegs, +and then sinks gently to the ground as though he were carried off by a +cannon-ball. He served a lady hopposite Hapsley 'Ouse so one day, and +since then I've never let him out to a friend except on Sunday, when, in +course, there's no danger. Heglantine IS a friend of mine, and of course +I wouldn't put the poor fellow on a hanimal I couldn't trust." + +After a little more conversation, my lord and his friend quitted Mr. +Snaffle's, and as they walked away towards the "Regent," his Lordship +might be heard shrieking with laughter, crying, "Capital, by jingo! +exthlent! Dwive down in the dwag! Take Lungly. Worth a thousand pound, +by Jove!" and similar ejaculations, indicative of exceeding delight. + +On Saturday morning, at ten o'clock to a moment, Mr. Woolsey called at +Mr. Eglantine's with a yellow handkerchief under his arm. It contained +the best and handsomest body-coat that ever gentleman put on. It fitted +Eglantine to a nicety--it did not pinch him in the least, and yet it was +of so exquisite a cut that the perfumer found, as he gazed delighted +in the glass, that he looked like a manly portly high-bred gentleman--a +lieutenant-colonel in the army, at the very least. + +"You're a full man, Eglantine," said the tailor, delighted, too, with +his own work; "but that can't be helped. You look more like Hercules +than Falstaff now, sir, and if a coat can make a gentleman, a gentleman +you are. Let me recommend you to sink the blue cravat, and take the +stripes off your trousers. Dress quiet, sir; draw it mild. Plain +waistcoat, dark trousers, black neckcloth, black hat, and if there's a +better-dressed man in Europe to-morrow, I'm a Dutchman." + +"Thank you, Woolsey--thank you, my dear sir," said the charmed perfumer. +"And now I'll just trouble you to try on this here." + +The wig had been made with equal skill; it was not in the florid style +which Mr. Eglantine loved in his own person, but, as the perfumer said, +a simple straightforward head of hair. "It seems as if it had grown +there all your life, Mr. Woolsey; nobody would tell that it was not +your nat'ral colour" (Mr. Woolsey blushed)--"it makes you look ten year +younger; and as for that scarecrow yonder, you'll never, I think, want +to wear that again." + +Woolsey looked in the glass, and was delighted too. The two rivals shook +hands and straightway became friends, and in the overflowing of his +heart the perfumer mentioned to the tailor the party which he had +arranged for the next day, and offered him a seat in the carriage and +at the dinner at the "Star and Garter." "Would you like to ride?" said +Eglantine, with rather a consequential air. "Snaffle will mount you, and +we can go one on each side of the ladies, if you like." + +But Woolsey humbly said he was not a riding man, and gladly consented to +take a place in the clarence carriage, provided he was allowed to bear +half the expenses of the entertainment. This proposal was agreed to by +Mr. Eglantine, and the two gentlemen parted to meet once more at the +"Kidneys" that night, when everybody was edified by the friendly tone +adopted between them. + +Mr. Snaffle, at the club meeting, made the very same proposal to Mr. +Woolsey that the perfumer had made; and stated that as Eglantine was +going to ride Hemperor, Woolsey, at least, ought to mount too. But he +was met by the same modest refusal on the tailor's part, who stated that +he had never mounted a horse yet, and preferred greatly the use of a +coach. + +Eglantine's character as a "swell" rose greatly with the club that +evening. + +Two o'clock on Sunday came: the two beaux arrived punctually at the door +to receive the two smiling ladies. + +"Bless us, Mr. Eglantine!" said Miss Crump, quite struck by him, "I +never saw you look so handsome in your life." He could have flung his +arms around her neck at the compliment. "And law, Ma! what has happened +to Mr. Woolsey? doesn't he look ten years younger than yesterday?" Mamma +assented, and Woolsey bowed gallantly, and the two gentlemen exchanged a +nod of hearty friendship. + +The day was delightful. Eglantine pranced along magnificently on his +cantering armchair, with his hat on one ear, his left hand on his side, +and his head flung over his shoulder, and throwing under-glances at +Morgiana whenever the "Emperor" was in advance of the clarence. The +"Emperor" pricked up his ears a little uneasily passing the Ebenezer +chapel in Richmond, where the congregation were singing a hymn, but +beyond this no accident occurred; nor was Mr. Eglantine in the least +stiff or fatigued by the time the party reached Richmond, where he +arrived time enough to give his steed into the charge of an ostler, and +to present his elbow to the ladies as they alighted from the clarence +carriage. + +What this jovial party ate for dinner at the "Star and Garter" need +not here be set down. If they did not drink champagne I am very much +mistaken. They were as merry as any four people in Christendom; and +between the bewildering attentions of the perfumer, and the manly +courtesy of the tailor, Morgiana very likely forgot the gallant Captain, +or, at least, was very happy in his absence. + +At eight o'clock they began to drive homewards. "WON'T you come into the +carriage?" said Morgiana to Eglantine, with one of her tenderest looks; +"Dick can ride the horse." But Archibald was too great a lover of +equestrian exercise. "I'm afraid to trust anybody on this horse," said +he with a knowing look; and so he pranced away by the side of the little +carriage. The moon was brilliant, and, with the aid of the gas-lamps, +illuminated the whole face of the country in a way inexpressibly lovely. + +Presently, in the distance, the sweet and plaintive notes of a bugle +were heard, and the performer, with great delicacy, executed a religious +air. "Music, too! heavenly!" said Morgiana, throwing up her eyes to the +stars. The music came nearer and nearer, and the delight of the company +was only more intense. The fly was going at about four miles an hour, +and the "Emperor" began cantering to time at the same rapid pace. + +"This must be some gallantry of yours, Mr. Woolsey," said the romantic +Morgiana, turning upon that gentleman. "Mr. Eglantine treated us to the +dinner, and you have provided us with the music." + +Now Woolsey had been a little, a very little, dissatisfied during the +course of the evening's entertainment, by fancying that Eglantine, a +much more voluble person than himself, had obtained rather an undue +share of the ladies' favour; and as he himself paid half of the +expenses, he felt very much vexed to think that the perfumer should take +all the credit of the business to himself. So when Miss Crump asked if +he had provided the music, he foolishly made an evasive reply to her +query, and rather wished her to imagine that he HAD performed that +piece of gallantry. "If it pleases YOU, Miss Morgiana," said this artful +Schneider, "what more need any man ask? wouldn't I have all Drury Lane +orchestra to please you?" + +The bugle had by this time arrived quite close to the clarence carriage, +and if Morgiana had looked round she might have seen whence the music +came. Behind her came slowly a drag, or private stage-coach, with +four horses. Two grooms with cockades and folded arms were behind; +and driving on the box, a little gentleman, with a blue bird's-eye +neckcloth, and a white coat. A bugleman was by his side, who performed +the melodies which so delighted Miss Crump. He played very gently and +sweetly, and "God save the King" trembled so softly out of the brazen +orifice of his bugle, that the Crumps, the tailor, and Eglantine +himself, who was riding close by the carriage, were quite charmed and +subdued. + +"Thank you, DEAR Mr. Woolsey," said the grateful Morgiana; which made +Eglantine stare, and Woolsey was just saying, "Really, upon my word, +I've nothing to do with it," when the man on the drag-box said to the +bugleman, "Now!" + +The bugleman began the tune of-- + + "Heaven preserve our Emperor Fra-an-cis, + Rum tum-ti-tum-ti-titty-ti." + +At the sound, the "Emperor" reared himself (with a roar from Mr. +Eglantine)--reared and beat the air with his fore-paws. Eglantine flung +his arms round the beast's neck; still he kept beating time with +his fore-paws. Mrs. Crump screamed: Mr. Woolsey, Dick, the clarence +coachman, Lord Vauxhall (for it was he), and his Lordship's two grooms, +burst into a shout of laughter; Morgiana cries "Mercy! mercy!" Eglantine +yells "Stop!"--"Wo!"--"Oh!" and a thousand ejaculations of hideous +terror; until, at last, down drops the "Emperor" stone dead in the +middle of the road, as if carried off by a cannon-ball. + +Fancy the situation, ye callous souls who laugh at the misery of +humanity, fancy the situation of poor Eglantine under the "Emperor"! He +had fallen very easy, the animal lay perfectly quiet, and the perfumer +was to all intents and purposes as dead as the animal. He had not +fainted, but he was immovable with terror; he lay in a puddle, and +thought it was his own blood gushing from him; and he would have lain +there until Monday morning, if my Lord's grooms, descending, had not +dragged him by the coat-collar from under the beast, who still lay +quiet. + +"Play 'Charming Judy Callaghan,' will ye?" says Mr. Snaffle's man, +the fly-driver; on which the bugler performed that lively air, and up +started the horse, and the grooms, who were rubbing Mr. Eglantine down +against a lamp-post, invited him to remount. + +But his heart was too broken for that. The ladies gladly made room for +him in the clarence. Dick mounted "Emperor" and rode homewards. The +drag, too, drove away, playing "Oh dear, what can the matter be?" and +with a scowl of furious hate, Mr. Eglantine sat and regarded his rival. +His pantaloons were split, and his coat torn up the back. + +"Are you hurt much, dear Mr. Archibald?" said Morgiana, with unaffected +compassion. + +"N-not much," said the poor fellow, ready to burst into tears. + +"Oh, Mr. Woolsey," added the good-natured girl, "how could you play such +a trick?" + +"Upon my word," Woolsey began, intending to plead innocence; but the +ludicrousness of the situation was once more too much for him, and he +burst out into a roar of laughter. + +"You! you cowardly beast!" howled out Eglantine, now driven to +fury--"YOU laugh at me, you miserable cretur! Take THAT, sir!" and he +fell upon him with all his might, and well-nigh throttled the tailor, +and pummelling his eyes, his nose, his ears, with inconceivable +rapidity, wrenched, finally, his wig off his head, and flung it into the +road. + +Morgiana saw that Woolsey had red hair. [2] + + + +CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH THE HEROINE HAS A NUMBER MORE LOVERS, AND CUTS A +VERY DASHING FIGURE IN THE WORLD. + +Two years have elapsed since the festival at Richmond, which, begun so +peaceably, ended in such general uproar. Morgiana never could be brought +to pardon Woolsey's red hair, nor to help laughing at Eglantine's +disasters, nor could the two gentlemen be reconciled to one another. +Woolsey, indeed, sent a challenge to the perfumer to meet him with +pistols, which the latter declined, saying, justly, that tradesmen had +no business with such weapons; on this the tailor proposed to meet +him with coats off, and have it out like men, in the presence of their +friends of the "Kidney Club". The perfumer said he would be party to no +such vulgar transaction; on which, Woolsey, exasperated, made an oath +that he would tweak the perfumer's nose so surely as he ever entered the +club-room; and thus ONE member of the "Kidneys" was compelled to vacate +his armchair. + +Woolsey himself attended every meeting regularly, but he did not evince +that gaiety and good-humour which render men's company agreeable in +clubs. On arriving, he would order the boy to "tell him when that +scoundrel Eglantine came;" and, hanging up his hat on a peg, would scowl +round the room, and tuck up his sleeves very high, and stretch, and +shake his fingers and wrists, as if getting them ready for that pull +of the nose which he intended to bestow upon his rival. So prepared, he +would sit down and smoke his pipe quite silently, glaring at all, and +jumping up, and hitching up his coat-sleeves, when anyone entered the +room. + +The "Kidneys" did not like this behaviour. Clinker ceased to come. +Bustard, the poulterer, ceased to come. As for Snaffle, he also +disappeared, for Woolsey wished to make him answerable for the +misbehaviour of Eglantine, and proposed to him the duel which the latter +had declined. So Snaffle went. Presently they all went, except the +tailor and Tressle, who lived down the street, and these two would +sit and pug their tobacco, one on each side of Crump, the landlord, as +silent as Indian chiefs in a wigwam. There grew to be more and more room +for poor old Crump in his chair and in his clothes; the "Kidneys" were +gone, and why should he remain? One Saturday he did not come down to +preside at the club (as he still fondly called it), and the Saturday +following Tressle had made a coffin for him; and Woolsey, with the +undertaker by his side, followed to the grave the father of the +"Kidneys." + +Mrs. Crump was now alone in the world. "How alone?" says some innocent +and respected reader. Ah! my dear sir, do you know so little of human +nature as not to be aware that, one week after the Richmond affair, +Morgiana married Captain Walker? That did she privately, of course; and, +after the ceremony, came tripping back to her parents, as young people +do in plays, and said, "Forgive me, dear Pa and Ma, I'm married, and +here is my husband the Captain!" Papa and mamma did forgive her, as why +shouldn't they? and papa paid over her fortune to her, which she carried +home delighted to the Captain. This happened several months before the +demise of old Crump; and Mrs. Captain Walker was on the Continent with +her Howard when that melancholy event took place; hence Mrs. Crump's +loneliness and unprotected condition. Morgiana had not latterly seen +much of the old people; how could she, moving in her exalted sphere, +receive at her genteel new residence in the Edgware Road the old +publican and his wife? + +Being, then, alone in the world, Mrs. Crump could not abear, she said, +to live in the house where she had been so respected and happy: so she +sold the goodwill of the "Bootjack," and, with the money arising from +this sale and her own private fortune, being able to muster some sixty +pounds per annum, retired to the neighbourhood of her dear old "Sadler's +Wells," where she boarded with one of Mrs. Serle's forty pupils. Her +heart was broken, she said; but, nevertheless, about nine months after +Mr. Crump's death, the wallflowers, nasturtiums, polyanthuses, and +convolvuluses began to blossom under her bonnet as usual; in a year she +was dressed quite as fine as ever, and now never missed "The Wells," or +some other place of entertainment, one single night, but was as regular +as the box-keeper. Nay, she was a buxom widow still, and an old flame of +hers, Fisk, so celebrated as pantaloon in Grimaldi's time, but now doing +the "heavy fathers" at "The Wells," proposed to her to exchange her name +for his. + +But this proposal the worthy widow declined altogether. To say truth, +she was exceedingly proud of her daughter, Mrs. Captain Walker. They +did not see each other much at first; but every now and then Mrs. Crump +would pay a visit to the folks in Connaught Square; and on the days when +"the Captain's" lady called in the City Road, there was not a single +official at "The Wells," from the first tragedian down to the call-boy, +who was not made aware of the fact. + +It has been said that Morgiana carried home her fortune in her own +reticule, and, smiling, placed the money in her husband's lap; and hence +the reader may imagine, who knows Mr. Walker to be an extremely selfish +fellow, that a great scene of anger must have taken place, and many +coarse oaths and epithets of abuse must have come from him, when he +found that five hundred pounds was all that his wife had, although he +had expected five thousand with her. But, to say the truth, Walker was +at this time almost in love with his handsome rosy good-humoured simple +wife. They had made a fortnight's tour, during which they had been +exceedingly happy; and there was something so frank and touching in the +way in which the kind creature flung her all into his lap, saluting +him with a hearty embrace at the same time, and wishing that it were a +thousand billion billion times more, so that her darling Howard might +enjoy it, that the man would have been a ruffian indeed could he have +found it in his heart to be angry with her; and so he kissed her in +return, and patted her on the shining ringlets, and then counted over +the notes with rather a disconsolate air, and ended by locking them up +in his portfolio. In fact, SHE had never deceived him; Eglantine +had, and he in return had out-tricked Eglantine and so warm were his +affections for Morgiana at this time that, upon my word and honour, I +don't think he repented of his bargain. Besides, five hundred pounds in +crisp bank-notes was a sum of money such as the Captain was not in the +habit of handling every day; a dashing sanguine fellow, he fancied there +was no end to it, and already thought of a dozen ways by which it should +increase and multiply into a plum. Woe is me! Has not many a simple soul +examined five new hundred-pound notes in this way, and calculated their +powers of duration and multiplication? + +This subject, however, is too painful to be dwelt on. Let us hear what +Walker did with his money. Why, he furnished the house in the Edgware +Road before mentioned, he ordered a handsome service of plate, he +sported a phaeton and two ponies, he kept a couple of smart maids and +a groom foot-boy--in fact, he mounted just such a neat unpretending +gentleman-like establishment as becomes a respectable young couple on +their outset in life. "I've sown my wild oats," he would say to his +acquaintances; "a few years since, perhaps, I would have longed to cut +a dash, but now prudence is the word; and I've settled every farthing of +Mrs. Walker's fifteen thousand on herself." And the best proof that the +world had confidence in him is the fact, that for the articles of plate, +equipage, and furniture, which have been mentioned as being in his +possession, he did not pay one single shilling; and so prudent was he, +that but for turnpikes, postage-stamps, and king's taxes, he hardly had +occasion to change a five-pound note of his wife's fortune. + +To tell the truth, Mr. Walker had determined to make his fortune. And +what is easier in London? Is not the share-market open to all? Do +not Spanish and Columbian bonds rise and fall? For what are companies +invented, but to place thousands in the pockets of shareholders and +directors? Into these commercial pursuits the gallant Captain now +plunged with great energy, and made some brilliant hits at first +starting, and bought and sold so opportunely, that his name began to +rise in the City as a capitalist, and might be seen in the printed list +of directors of many excellent and philanthropic schemes, of which there +is never any lack in London. Business to the amount of thousands was +done at his agency; shares of vast value were bought and sold under his +management. How poor Mr. Eglantine used to hate him and envy him, as +from the door of his emporium (the firm was Eglantine and Mossrose now) +he saw the Captain daily arrive in his pony-phaeton, and heard of the +start he had taken in life. + +The only regret Mrs. Walker had was that she did not enjoy enough of her +husband's society. His business called him away all day; his business, +too, obliged him to leave her of evenings very frequently alone; whilst +he (always in pursuit of business) was dining with his great friends at +the club, and drinking claret and champagne to the same end. + +She was a perfectly good-natured and simple soul, never made him a +single reproach; but when he could pass an evening at home with her +she was delighted, and when he could drive with her in the Park she was +happy for a week after. On these occasions, and in the fulness of her +heart, she would drive to her mother and tell her story. "Howard drove +with me in the Park yesterday, Mamma;" and "Howard has promised to +take me to the Opera," and so forth. And that evening the manager, Mr. +Gawler, the first tragedian, Mrs. Serle and her forty pupils, all the +box-keepers, bonnet-women--nay, the ginger-beer girls themselves at "The +Wells," knew that Captain and Mrs. Walker were at Kensington Gardens, +or were to have the Marchioness of Billingsgate's box at the Opera. One +night--O joy of joys!--Mrs. Captain Walker appeared in a private box +at "The Wells." That's she with the black ringlets and Cashmere shawl, +smelling-bottle, and black-velvet gown, and bird of paradise in her hat. +Goodness gracious! how they all acted at her, Gawler and all, and how +happy Mrs. Crump was! She kissed her daughter between all the acts, she +nodded to all her friends on the stage, in the slips, or in the +real water; she introduced her daughter, Mrs. Captain Walker, to the +box-opener; and Melvil Delamere (the first comic), Canterfield (the +tyrant), and Jonesini (the celebrated Fontarabian Statuesque), were all +on the steps, and shouted for Mrs. Captain Walker's carriage, and waved +their hats, and bowed as the little pony-phaeton drove away. Walker, in +his moustaches, had come in at the end of the play, and was not a little +gratified by the compliments paid to himself and lady. + +Among the other articles of luxury with which the Captain furnished +his house we must not omit to mention an extremely grand piano, which +occupied four-fifths of Mrs. Walker's little back drawing-room, and at +which she was in the habit of practising continually. All day and all +night during Walker's absences (and these occurred all night and all +day), you might hear--the whole street might hear--the voice of the lady +at No. 23, gurgling, and shaking, and quavering, as ladies do when they +practise. The street did not approve of the continuance of the noise; +but neighbours are difficult to please, and what would Morgiana have had +to do if she had ceased to sing? It would be hard to lock a blackbird in +a cage and prevent him from singing too. And so Walker's blackbird, in +the snug little cage in the Edgware Road, sang and was not unhappy. + +After the pair had been married for about a year, the omnibus that +passes both by Mrs. Crump's house near "The Wells," and by Mrs. Walker's +street off the Edgware Road, brought up the former-named lady almost +every day to her daughter. She came when the Captain had gone to his +business; she stayed to a two-o'clock dinner with Morgiana; she drove +with her in the pony-carriage round the Park; but she never stopped +later than six. Had she not to go to the play at seven? And, besides, +the Captain might come home with some of his great friends, and he +always swore and grumbled much if he found his mother-in-law on the +premises. As for Morgiana, she was one of those women who encourage +despotism in husbands. What the husband says must be right, because he +says it; what he orders must be obeyed tremblingly. Mrs. Walker gave up +her entire reason to her lord. Why was it? Before marriage she had been +an independent little person; she had far more brains than her Howard. +I think it must have been his moustaches that frightened her, and caused +in her this humility. + +Selfish husbands have this advantage in maintaining with easy-minded +wives a rigid and inflexible behaviour, viz. that if they DO by any +chance grant a little favour, the ladies receive it with such transports +of gratitude as they would never think of showing to a lord and master +who was accustomed to give them everything they asked for; and hence, +when Captain Walker signified his assent to his wife's prayer that she +should take a singing-master, she thought his generosity almost divine, +and fell upon her mamma's neck, when that lady came the next day, and +said what a dear adorable angel her Howard was, and what ought she not +to do for a man who had taken her from her humble situation, and raised +her to be what she was! What she was, poor soul! She was the wife of a +swindling parvenu gentleman. She received visits from six ladies of her +husband's acquaintances--two attorneys' ladies, his bill-broker's lady, +and one or two more, of whose characters we had best, if you please, +say nothing; and she thought it an honour to be so distinguished: as +if Walker had been a Lord Exeter to marry a humble maiden, or a noble +prince to fall in love with a humble Cinderella, or a majestic Jove +to come down from heaven and woo a Semele. Look through the world, +respectable reader, and among your honourable acquaintances, and say if +this sort of faith in women is not very frequent? They WILL believe in +their husbands, whatever the latter do. Let John be dull, ugly, vulgar, +and a humbug, his Mary Ann never finds it out; let him tell his stories +ever so many times, there is she always ready with her kind smile; let +him be stingy, she says he is prudent; let him quarrel with his best +friend, she says he is always in the right; let him be prodigal, she +says he is generous, and that his health requires enjoyment; let him +be idle, he must have relaxation; and she will pinch herself and +her household that he may have a guinea for his club. Yes; and every +morning, as she wakes and looks at the face, snoring on the pillow by +her side--every morning, I say, she blesses that dull ugly countenance, +and the dull ugly soul reposing there, and thinks both are something +divine. I want to know how it is that women do not find out their +husbands to be humbugs? Nature has so provided it, and thanks to her. +When last year they were acting the "Midsummer Night's Dream," and all +the boxes began to roar with great coarse heehaws at Titania hugging +Bottom's long long ears--to me, considering these things, it seemed that +there were a hundred other male brutes squatted round about, and treated +just as reasonably as Bottom was. Their Titanias lulled them to sleep +in their laps, summoned a hundred smiling delicate household fairies to +tickle their gross intellects and minister to their vulgar pleasures; +and (as the above remarks are only supposed to apply to honest women +loving their own lawful spouses) a mercy it is that no wicked Puck is +in the way to open their eyes, and point out their folly. Cui bono? let +them live on in their deceit: I know two lovely ladies who will read +this, and will say it is just very likely, and not see in the least, +that it has been written regarding THEM. + +Another point of sentiment, and one curious to speculate on. Have +you not remarked the immense works of art that women get through? The +worsted-work sofas, the counterpanes patched or knitted (but these are +among the old-fashioned in the country), the bushels of pincushions, +the albums they laboriously fill, the tremendous pieces of music they +practise, the thousand other fiddle-faddles which occupy the attention +of the dear souls--nay, have we not seen them seated of evenings in a +squad or company, Louisa employed at the worsted-work before mentioned, +Eliza at the pincushions, Amelia at card-racks or filagree matches, and, +in the midst, Theodosia with one of the candles, reading out a novel +aloud? Ah! my dear sir, mortal creatures must be very hard put to it for +amusement, be sure of that, when they are forced to gather together in +a company and hear novels read aloud! They only do it because they can't +help it, depend upon it: it is a sad life, a poor pastime. Mr. Dickens, +in his American book, tells of the prisoners at the silent prison, +how they had ornamented their rooms, some of them with a frightful +prettiness and elaboration. Women's fancy-work is of this +sort often--only prison work, done because there was no other +exercising-ground for their poor little thoughts and fingers; and hence +these wonderful pincushions are executed, these counterpanes woven, +these sonatas learned. By everything sentimental, when I see two kind +innocent fresh-cheeked young women go to a piano, and sit down opposite +to it upon two chairs piled with more or less music-books (according to +their convenience), and, so seated, go through a set of double-barrelled +variations upon this or that tune by Herz or Kalkbrenner--I say, far +from receiving any satisfaction at the noise made by the performance, +my too susceptible heart is given up entirely to bleeding for the +performers. What hours, and weeks, nay, preparatory years of study, has +that infernal jig cost them! What sums has papa paid, what scoldings has +mamma administered ("Lady Bullblock does not play herself;" Sir Thomas +says, "but she has naturally the finest ear for music ever known!"); +what evidences of slavery, in a word, are there! It is the condition +of the young lady's existence. She breakfasts at eight, she does +"Mangnall's Questions" with the governess till ten, she practises till +one, she walks in the square with bars round her till two, then she +practises again, then she sews or hems, or reads French, or Hume's +"History," then she comes down to play to papa, because he likes music +whilst he is asleep after dinner, and then it is bed-time, and the +morrow is another day with what are called the same "duties" to be gone +through. A friend of mine went to call at a nobleman's house the other +day, and one of the young ladies of the house came into the room with a +tray on her head; this tray was to give Lady Maria a graceful carriage. +Mon Dieu! and who knows but at that moment Lady Bell was at work with +a pair of her dumb namesakes, and Lady Sophy lying flat on a +stretching-board? I could write whole articles on this theme but peace! +we are keeping Mrs. Walker waiting all the while. + +Well, then, if the above disquisitions have anything to do with the +story, as no doubt they have, I wish it to be understood that, during +her husband's absence, and her own solitary confinement, Mrs. Howard +Walker bestowed a prodigious quantity of her time and energy on the +cultivation of her musical talent; and having, as before stated, a very +fine loud voice, speedily attained no ordinary skill in the use of it. +She first had for teacher little Podmore, the fat chorus-master at "The +Wells," and who had taught her mother the "Tink-a-tink" song which has +been such a favourite since it first appeared. He grounded her well, and +bade her eschew the singing of all those "Eagle Tavern" ballads in which +her heart formerly delighted; and when he had brought her to a certain +point of skill, the honest little chorus-master said she should have a +still better instructor, and wrote a note to Captain Walker (enclosing +his own little account), speaking in terms of the most flattering +encomium of his lady's progress, and recommending that she should take +lessons of the celebrated Baroski. Captain Walker dismissed Podmore +then, and engaged Signor Baroski, at a vast expense; as he did not fail +to tell his wife. In fact, he owed Baroski no less than two hundred and +twenty guineas when he was--But we are advancing matters. + +Little Baroski is the author of the opera of "Eliogabalo," of the +oratorio of "Purgatorio," which made such an immense sensation, of songs +and ballet-musics innumerable. He is a German by birth, and shows such +an outrageous partiality for pork and sausages, and attends at church so +constantly, that I am sure there cannot be any foundation in the story +that he is a member of the ancient religion. He is a fat little man, +with a hooked nose and jetty whiskers, and coal-black shining eyes, and +plenty of rings and jewels on his fingers and about his person, and a +very considerable portion of his shirtsleeves turned over his coat to +take the air. His great hands (which can sprawl over half a piano, and +produce those effects on the instrument for which he is celebrated) are +encased in lemon-coloured kids, new, or cleaned daily. Parenthetically, +let us ask why so many men, with coarse red wrists and big hands, +persist in the white kid glove and wristband system? Baroski's gloves +alone must cost him a little fortune; only he says with a leer, when +asked the question, "Get along vid you; don't you know dere is a +gloveress that lets me have dem very sheap?" He rides in the Park; has +splendid lodgings in Dover Street; and is a member of the "Regent Club," +where he is a great source of amusement to the members, to whom he tells +astonishing stories of his successes with the ladies, and for whom he +has always play and opera tickets in store. His eye glistens and his +little heart beats when a lord speaks to him; and he has been known to +spend large sums of money in giving treats to young sprigs of fashion at +Richmond and elsewhere. "In my bolyticks," he says, "I am consarevatiff +to de bag-bone." In fine, he is a puppy, and withal a man of +considerable genius in his profession. + +This gentleman, then, undertook to complete the musical education +of Mrs. Walker. He expressed himself at once "enshanted vid her +gababilities," found that the extent of her voice was "brodigious," and +guaranteed that she should become a first-rate singer. The pupil was +apt, the master was exceedingly skilful; and, accordingly, Mrs. Walker's +progress was very remarkable: although, for her part, honest Mrs. Crump, +who used to attend her daughter's lessons, would grumble not a little at +the new system, and the endless exercises which she, Morgiana, was made +to go through. It was very different in HER time, she said. Incledon +knew no music, and who could sing so well now? Give her a good English +ballad: it was a thousand times sweeter than your "Figaros" and +"Semiramides." + +In spite of these objections, however, and with amazing perseverance and +cheerfulness, Mrs. Walker pursued the method of study pointed out to her +by her master. As soon as her husband went to the City in the morning +her operations began; if he remained away at dinner, her labours still +continued: nor is it necessary for me to particularise her course of +study, nor, indeed, possible; for, between ourselves, none of the +male Fitz-Boodles ever could sing a note, and the jargon of scales and +solfeggios is quite unknown to me. But as no man can have seen persons +addicted to music without remarking the prodigious energies they display +in the pursuit, as there is no father of daughters, however ignorant, +but is aware of the piano-rattling and voice-exercising which go on in +his house from morning till night, so let all fancy, without further +inquiry, how the heroine of our story was at this stage of her existence +occupied. + +Walker was delighted with her progress, and did everything but pay +Baroski, her instructor. We know why he didn't pay. It was his nature +not to pay bills, except on extreme compulsion; but why did not Baroski +employ that extreme compulsion? Because, if he had received his money, +he would have lost his pupil, and because he loved his pupil more than +money. Rather than lose her, he would have given her a guinea as well +as her cachet. He would sometimes disappoint a great personage, but he +never missed his attendance on HER; and the truth must out, that he was +in love with her, as Woolsey and Eglantine had been before. + +"By the immortel Chofe!" he would say, "dat letell ding sents me mad vid +her big ice! But only vait avile: in six veeks I can bring any voman +in England on her knees to me and you shall see vat I vill do vid my +Morgiana." He attended her for six weeks punctually, and yet Morgiana +was never brought down on her knees; he exhausted his best stock of +"gomblimends," and she never seemed disposed to receive them with +anything but laughter. And, as a matter of course, he only grew more +infatuated with the lovely creature who was so provokingly good-humoured +and so laughingly cruel. + +Benjamin Baroski was one of the chief ornaments of the musical +profession in London; he charged a guinea for a lesson of three-quarters +of an hour abroad, and he had, furthermore, a school at his own +residence, where pupils assembled in considerable numbers, and of that +curious mixed kind which those may see who frequent these places of +instruction. There were very innocent young ladies with their mammas, +who would hurry them off trembling to the farther corner of the room +when certain doubtful professional characters made their appearance. +There was Miss Grigg, who sang at the "Foundling," and Mr. Johnson, +who sang at the "Eagle Tavern," and Madame Fioravanti (a very doubtful +character), who sang nowhere, but was always coming out at the Italian +Opera. There was Lumley Limpiter (Lord Tweedledale's son), one of the +most accomplished tenors in town, and who, we have heard, sings with +the professionals at a hundred concerts; and with him, too, was Captain +Guzzard, of the Guards, with his tremendous bass voice, which all the +world declared to be as fine as Porto's, and who shared the applause of +Baroski's school with Mr. Bulger, the dentist of Sackville Street, who +neglected his ivory and gold plates for his voice, as every unfortunate +individual will do who is bitten by the music mania. Then among +the ladies there were a half-score of dubious pale governesses and +professionals with turned frocks and lank damp bandeaux of hair under +shabby little bonnets; luckless creatures these, who were parting with +their poor little store of half-guineas to be enabled to say they were +pupils of Signor Baroski, and so get pupils of their own among the +British youths, or employment in the choruses of the theatres. + +The prima donna of the little company was Amelia Larkins, Baroski's own +articled pupil, on whose future reputation the eminent master staked his +own, whose profits he was to share, and whom he had farmed, to this end, +from her father, a most respectable sheriff's officer's assistant, and +now, by his daughter's exertions, a considerable capitalist. Amelia is +blonde and blue-eyed, her complexion is as bright as snow, her ringlets +of the colour of straw, her figure--but why describe her figure? Has not +all the world seen her at the Theatres Royal and in America under the +name of Miss Ligonier? + +Until Mrs. Walker arrived, Miss Larkins was the undisputed princess of +the Baroski company--the Semiramide, the Rosina, the Tamina, the Donna +Anna. Baroski vaunted her everywhere as the great rising genius of the +day, bade Catalani look to her laurels, and questioned whether Miss +Stephens could sing a ballad like his pupil. Mrs. Howard Walker arrived, +and created, on the first occasion, no small sensation. She improved, +and the little society became speedily divided into Walkerites and +Larkinsians; and between these two ladies (as indeed between Guzzard and +Bulger before mentioned, between Miss Brunck and Miss Horsman, the two +contraltos, and between the chorus-singers, after their kind) a great +rivalry arose. Larkins was certainly the better singer; but could +her straw-coloured curls and dumpy high-shouldered figure bear any +comparison with the jetty ringlets and stately form of Morgiana? Did not +Mrs. Walker, too, come to the music-lesson in her carriage, and with a +black velvet gown and Cashmere shawl, while poor Larkins meekly stepped +from Bell Yard, Temple Bar, in an old print gown and clogs, which she +left in the hall? "Larkins sing!" said Mrs. Crump, sarcastically; "I'm +sure she ought; her mouth's big enough to sing a duet." Poor Larkins had +no one to make epigrams in her behoof; her mother was at home tending +the younger ones, her father abroad following the duties of his +profession; she had but one protector, as she thought, and that one +was Baroski. Mrs. Crump did not fail to tell Lumley Limpiter of her own +former triumphs, and to sing him "Tink-a-tink," which we have previously +heard, and to state how in former days she had been called the +Ravenswing. And Lumley, on this hint, made a poem, in which he compared +Morgiana's hair to the plumage of the Raven's wing, and Larkinissa's to +that of the canary; by which two names the ladies began soon to be known +in the school. + +Ere long the flight of the Ravenswing became evidently stronger, whereas +that of the canary was seen evidently to droop. When Morgiana sang, all +the room would cry "Bravo!" when Amelia performed, scarce a hand +was raised for applause of her, except Morgiana's own, and that the +Larkinses thought was lifted in odious triumph, rather than in sympathy, +for Miss L. was of an envious turn, and little understood the generosity +of her rival. + +At last, one day, the crowning victory of the Ravenswing came. In the +trio of Baroski's own opera of "Eliogabalo," "Rosy lips and rosy wine," +Miss Larkins, who was evidently unwell, was taking the part of the +English captive, which she had sung in public concerts before royal +dukes, and with considerable applause, and, from some reason, performed +it so ill, that Baroski, slapping down the music on the piano in a fury, +cried, "Mrs. Howard Walker, as Miss Larkins cannot sing to-day, will +you favour us by taking the part of Boadicetta?" Mrs. Walker got up +smilingly to obey--the triumph was too great to be withstood; and, as +she advanced to the piano, Miss Larkins looked wildly at her, and stood +silent for a while, and, at last, shrieked out, "BENJAMIN!" in a tone of +extreme agony, and dropped fainting down on the ground. Benjamin looked +extremely red, it must be confessed, at being thus called by what +we shall denominate his Christian name, and Limpiter looked round at +Guzzard, and Miss Brunck nudged Miss Horsman, and the lesson concluded +rather abruptly that day; for Miss Larkins was carried off to the next +room, laid on a couch, and sprinkled with water. + +Good-natured Morgiana insisted that her mother should take Miss Larkins +to Bell Yard in her carriage, and went herself home on foot; but I don't +know that this piece of kindness prevented Larkins from hating her. I +should doubt if it did. + +Hearing so much of his wife's skill as a singer, the astute Captain +Walker determined to take advantage of it for the purpose of increasing +his "connection." He had Lumley Limpiter at his house before long, which +was, indeed, no great matter, for honest Lum would go anywhere for a +good dinner--and an opportunity to show off his voice afterwards, +and Lumley was begged to bring any more clerks in the Treasury of his +acquaintance; Captain Guzzard was invited, and any officers of the +Guards whom he might choose to bring; Bulger received occasional +cards:--in a word, and after a short time, Mrs. Howard Walker's +musical parties began to be considerably suivies. Her husband had the +satisfaction to see his rooms filled by many great personages; and once +or twice in return (indeed, whenever she was wanted, or when people +could not afford to hire the first singers) she was asked to parties +elsewhere, and treated with that killing civility which our English +aristocracy knows how to bestow on artists. Clever and wise aristocracy! +It is sweet to mark your ways, and study your commerce with inferior +men. + +I was just going to commence a tirade regarding the aristocracy +here, and to rage against that cool assumption of superiority which +distinguishes their lordships' commerce with artists of all sorts: that +politeness which, if it condescends to receive artists at all, takes +care to have them altogether, so that there can be no mistake about +their rank--that august patronage of art which rewards it with a silly +flourish of knighthood, to be sure, but takes care to exclude it from +any contact with its betters in society--I was, I say, just going to +commence a tirade against the aristocracy for excluding artists from +their company, and to be extremely satirical upon them, for instance, +for not receiving my friend Morgiana, when it suddenly came into my head +to ask, was Mrs. Walker fit to move in the best society?--to which query +it must humbly be replied that she was not. Her education was not such +as to make her quite the equal of Baker Street. She was a kind honest +and clever creature; but, it must be confessed, not refined. Wherever +she went she had, if not the finest, at any rate the most showy gown +in the room; her ornaments were the biggest; her hats, toques, berets, +marabouts, and other fallals, always the most conspicuous. She drops +"h's" here and there. I have seen her eat peas with a knife (and Walker, +scowling on the opposite side of the table, striving in vain to catch +her eye); and I shall never forget Lady Smigsmag's horror when she +asked for porter at dinner at Richmond, and began to drink it out of the +pewter pot. It was a fine sight. She lifted up the tankard with one of +the finest arms, covered with the biggest bracelets ever seen; and had +a bird of paradise on her head, that curled round the pewter disc of the +pot as she raised it, like a halo. These peculiarities she had, and has +still. She is best away from the genteel world, that is the fact. When +she says that "The weather is so 'ot that it is quite debiliating;" when +she laughs, when she hits her neighbour at dinner on the side of the +waistcoat (as she will if he should say anything that amuses her), she +does what is perfectly natural and unaffected on her part, but what +is not customarily done among polite persons, who can sneer at her +odd manners and her vanity, but don't know the kindness, honesty, and +simplicity which distinguish her. This point being admitted, it follows, +of course, that the tirade against the aristocracy would, in the present +instance, be out of place--so it shall be reserved for some other +occasion. + +The Ravenswing was a person admirably disposed by nature to be happy. +She had a disposition so kindly that any small attention would satisfy +it; was pleased when alone; was delighted in a crowd; was charmed with +a joke, however old; was always ready to laugh, to sing, to dance, or to +be merry; was so tender-hearted that the smallest ballad would make her +cry: and hence was supposed, by many persons, to be extremely affected, +and by almost all to be a downright coquette. Several competitors for +her favour presented themselves besides Baroski. Young dandies used to +canter round her phaeton in the park, and might be seen haunting her +doors in the mornings. The fashionable artist of the day made a drawing +of her, which was engraved and sold in the shops; a copy of it was +printed in a song, "Black-eyed Maiden of Araby," the words by Desmond +Mulligan, Esquire, the music composed and dedicated to MRS. HOWARD +WALKER, by her most faithful and obliged servant, Benjamin Baroski; and +at night her Opera-box was full. Her Opera-box? Yes, the heiress of the +"Bootjack" actually had an Opera-box, and some of the most fashionable +manhood of London attended it. + +Now, in fact, was the time of her greatest prosperity; and her husband +gathering these fashionable characters about him, extended his "agency" +considerably, and began to thank his stars that he had married a woman +who was as good as a fortune to him. + +In extending his agency, however, Mr. Walker increased his expenses +proportionably, and multiplied his debts accordingly. More furniture and +more plate, more wines and more dinner-parties, became necessary; the +little pony-phaeton was exchanged for a brougham of evenings; and we may +fancy our old friend Mr. Eglantine's rage and disgust, as he looked from +the pit of the Opera, to see Mrs. Walker surrounded by what he called +"the swell young nobs" about London, bowing to my Lord, and laughing +with his Grace, and led to carriage by Sir John. + +The Ravenswing's position at this period was rather an exceptional +one. She was an honest woman, visited by that peculiar class of our +aristocracy who chiefly associate with ladies who are NOT honest. She +laughed with all, but she encouraged none. Old Crump was constantly at +her side now when she appeared in public, the most watchful of mammas, +always awake at the Opera, though she seemed to be always asleep; but no +dandy debauchee could deceive her vigilance, and for this reason Walker, +who disliked her (as every man naturally will, must, and should dislike +his mother-in-law), was contented to suffer her in his house to act as a +chaperon to Morgiana. + +None of the young dandies ever got admission of mornings to the little +mansion in the Edgware Road; the blinds were always down; and though you +might hear Morgiana's voice half across the Park as she was practising, +yet the youthful hall-porter in the sugar-loaf buttons was instructed to +deny her, and always declared that his mistress was gone out, with the +most admirable assurance. + +After some two years of her life of splendour, there were, to be sure, a +good number of morning visitors, who came with SINGLE knocks, and asked +for Captain Walker; but these were no more admitted than the dandies +aforesaid, and were referred, generally, to the Captain's office, +whither they went or not at their convenience. The only man who obtained +admission into the house was Baroski, whose cab transported him thrice +a week to the neighbourhood of Connaught Square, and who obtained ready +entrance in his professional capacity. + +But even then, and much to the wicked little music-master's +disappointment, the dragon Crump was always at the piano, with her +endless worsted work, or else reading her unfailing Sunday Times; and +Baroski could only employ "de langvitch of de ice," as he called it, +with his fair pupil, who used to mimic his manner of rolling his eyes +about afterwards, and perform "Baroski in love" for the amusement of her +husband and her mamma. The former had his reasons for overlooking the +attentions of the little music-master; and as for the latter, had she +not been on the stage, and had not many hundreds of persons, in jest or +earnest, made love to her? What else can a pretty woman expect who is +much before the public? And so the worthy mother counselled her daughter +to bear these attentions with good humour, rather than to make them a +subject of perpetual alarm and quarrel. + +Baroski, then, was allowed to go on being in love, and was never in the +least disturbed in his passion; and if he was not successful, at least +the little wretch could have the pleasure of HINTING that he was, and +looking particularly roguish when the Ravenswing was named, and assuring +his friends at the club, that "upon his vort dere vas no trut IN DAT +REBORT." + +At last one day it happened that Mrs. Crump did not arrive in time for +her daughter's lesson (perhaps it rained and the omnibus was full--a +smaller circumstance than that has changed a whole life ere now)--Mrs. +Crump did not arrive, and Baroski did, and Morgiana, seeing no great +harm, sat down to her lesson as usual, and in the midst of it down +went the music-master on his knees, and made a declaration in the most +eloquent terms he could muster. + +"Don't be a fool, Baroski!" said the lady--(I can't help it if her +language was not more choice, and if she did not rise with cold dignity, +exclaiming, "Unhand me, sir!")--"Don't be a fool!" said Mrs. Walker, +"but get up and let's finish the lesson." + +"You hard-hearted adorable little greature, vill you not listen to me?" + +"No, I vill not listen to you, Benjamin!" concluded the lady. "Get up +and take a chair, and don't go on in that ridiklous way, don't!" + +But Baroski, having a speech by heart, determined to deliver himself +of it in that posture, and begged Morgiana not to turn avay her divine +hice, and to listen to de voice of his despair, and so forth; he seized +the lady's hand, and was going to press it to his lips, when she said, +with more spirit, perhaps, than grace,-- + +"Leave go my hand, sir; I'll box your ears if you don't!" + +But Baroski wouldn't release her hand, and was proceeding to imprint +a kiss upon it; and Mrs. Crump, who had taken the omnibus at a +quarter-past twelve instead of that at twelve, had just opened the +drawing-room door and was walking in, when Morgiana, turning as red as +a peony, and unable to disengage her left hand, which the musician held, +raised up her right hand, and, with all her might and main, gave her +lover such a tremendous slap in the face as caused him abruptly to +release the hand which he held, and would have laid him prostrate on +the carpet but for Mrs. Crump, who rushed forward and prevented him from +falling by administering right and left a whole shower of slaps, such as +he had never endured since the day he was at school. + +"What imperence!" said that worthy lady; "you'll lay hands on my +daughter, will you? (one, two). You'll insult a woman in distress, will +you, you little coward? (one, two). Take that, and mind your manners, +you filthy monster!" + +Baroski bounced up in a fury. "By Chofe, you shall hear of dis!" shouted +he; "you shall pay me dis!" + +"As many more as you please, little Benjamin," cried the widow. +"Augustus" (to the page), "was that the Captain's knock?" At this +Baroski made for his hat. "Augustus, show this imperence to the door; +and if he tries to come in again, call a policeman: do you hear?" + +The music-master vanished very rapidly, and the two ladies, instead of +being frightened or falling into hysterics, as their betters would have +done, laughed at the odious monster's discomfiture, as they called him. +"Such a man as that set himself up against my Howard!" said Morgiana, +with becoming pride; but it was agreed between them that Howard should +know nothing of what had occurred, for fear of quarrels, or lest he +should be annoyed. So when he came home not a word was said; and only +that his wife met him with more warmth than usual, you could not have +guessed that anything extraordinary had occurred. It is not my fault +that my heroine's sensibilities were not more keen, that she had not the +least occasion for sal-volatile or symptom of a fainting fit; but so it +was, and Mr. Howard Walker knew nothing of the quarrel between his wife +and her instructor until-- + +Until he was arrested next day at the suit of Benjamin Baroski for two +hundred and twenty guineas, and, in default of payment, was conducted by +Mr. Tobias Larkins to his principal's lock-up house in Chancery Lane. + + + +CHAPTER V. IN WHICH MR. WALKER FALLS INTO DIFFICULTIES, AND MRS. WALKER +MAKES MANY FOOLISH ATTEMPTS TO RESCUE HIM. + +I hope the beloved reader is not silly enough to imagine that Mr. +Walker, on finding himself inspunged for debt in Chancery Lane, was +so foolish as to think of applying to any of his friends (those great +personages who have appeared every now and then in the course of this +little history, and have served to give it a fashionable air). No, no; +he knew the world too well; and that, though Billingsgate would give him +as many dozen of claret as he could carry away under his belt, as the +phrase is (I can't help it, madam, if the phrase is not more genteel), +and though Vauxhall would lend him his carriage, slap him on the back, +and dine at his house,--their lordships would have seen Mr. Walker +depending from a beam in front of the Old Bailey rather than have helped +him to a hundred pounds. + +And why, forsooth, should we expect otherwise in the world? I observe +that men who complain of its selfishness are quite as selfish as the +world is, and no more liberal of money than their neighbours; and I am +quite sure with regard to Captain Walker that he would have treated a +friend in want exactly as he when in want was treated. There was only +his lady who was in the least afflicted by his captivity; and as for the +club, that went on, we are bound to say, exactly as it did on the day +previous to his disappearance. + +By the way, about clubs--could we not, but for fear of detaining the +fair reader too long, enter into a wholesome dissertation here on the +manner of friendship established in those institutions, and the noble +feeling of selfishness which they are likely to encourage in the male +race? I put out of the question the stale topics of complaint, such as +leaving home, encouraging gormandising and luxurious habits, etc.; but +look also at the dealings of club-men with one another. Look at the rush +for the evening paper! See how Shiverton orders a fire in the dog-days, +and Swettenham opens the windows in February. See how Cramley takes +the whole breast of the turkey on his plate, and how many times Jenkins +sends away his beggarly half-pint of sherry! Clubbery is organised +egotism. Club intimacy is carefully and wonderfully removed from +friendship. You meet Smith for twenty years, exchange the day's news +with him, laugh with him over the last joke, grow as well acquainted as +two men may be together--and one day, at the end of the list of members +of the club, you read in a little paragraph by itself, with all the +honours, + + MEMBER DECEASED. + Smith, John, Esq.; + +or he, on the other hand, has the advantage of reading your own name +selected for a similar typographical distinction. There it is, that +abominable little exclusive list at the end of every club-catalogue--you +can't avoid it. I belong to eight clubs myself, and know that one year +Fitz-Boodle, George Savage, Esq. (unless it should please fate to remove +my brother and his six sons, when of course it would be Fitz-Boodle, Sir +George Savage, Bart.), will appear in the dismal category. There is that +list; down I must go in it:--the day will come, and I shan't be seen in +the bow-window, someone else will be sitting in the vacant armchair: +the rubber will begin as usual, and yet somehow Fitz will not be there. +"Where's Fitz?" says Trumpington, just arrived from the Rhine. "Don't +you know?" says Punter, turning down his thumb to the carpet. "You led +the club, I think?" says Ruff to his partner (the OTHER partner!), and +the waiter snuffs the candles. + + ***** + +I hope in the course of the above little pause, every single member of +a club who reads this has profited by the perusal. He may belong, I +say, to eight clubs; he will die, and not be missed by any of the five +thousand members. Peace be to him; the waiters will forget him, and his +name will pass away, and another great-coat will hang on the hook whence +his own used to be dependent. + +And this, I need not say, is the beauty of the club-institutions. If it +were otherwise--if, forsooth, we were to be sorry when our friends died, +or to draw out our purses when our friends were in want, we should be +insolvent, and life would be miserable. Be it ours to button up our +pockets and our hearts; and to make merry--it is enough to swim down +this life-stream for ourselves; if Poverty is clutching hold of our +heels, or Friendship would catch an arm, kick them both off. Every man +for himself, is the word, and plenty to do too. + +My friend Captain Walker had practised the above maxims so long and +resolutely as to be quite aware when he came himself to be in distress, +that not a single soul in the whole universe would help him, and he took +his measures accordingly. + +When carried to Mr. Bendigo's lock-up house, he summoned that gentleman +in a very haughty way, took a blank banker's cheque out of his +pocket-book, and filling it up for the exact sum of the writ, orders Mr. +Bendigo forthwith to open the door and let him go forth. + +Mr. Bendigo, smiling with exceeding archness, and putting a finger +covered all over with diamond rings to his extremely aquiline nose, +inquired of Mr. Walker whether he saw anything green about his face? +intimating by this gay and good-humoured interrogatory his suspicion +of the unsatisfactory nature of the document handed over to him by Mr. +Walker. + +"Hang it, sir!" says Mr. Walker, "go and get the cheque cashed, and be +quick about it. Send your man in a cab, and here's a half-crown to pay +for it." The confident air somewhat staggers the bailiff, who asked him +whether he would like any refreshment while his man was absent getting +the amount of the cheque, and treated his prisoner with great civility +during the time of the messenger's journey. + +But as Captain Walker had but a balance of two pounds five and twopence +(this sum was afterwards divided among his creditors, the law expenses +being previously deducted from it), the bankers of course declined to +cash the Captain's draft for two hundred and odd pounds, simply writing +the words "No effects" on the paper; on receiving which reply Walker, +far from being cast down, burst out laughing very gaily, produced a real +five-pound note, and called upon his host for a bottle of champagne, +which the two worthies drank in perfect friendship and good-humour. The +bottle was scarcely finished, and the young Israelitish gentleman who +acts as waiter in Cursitor Street had only time to remove the flask and +the glasses, when poor Morgiana with a flood of tears rushed into her +husband's arms, and flung herself on his neck, and calling him her +"dearest, blessed Howard," would have fainted at his feet; but that he, +breaking out in a fury of oaths, asked her how, after getting him into +that scrape through her infernal extravagance, she dared to show her +face before him? This address speedily frightened the poor thing out +of her fainting fit--there is nothing so good for female hysterics as a +little conjugal sternness, nay, brutality, as many husbands can aver who +are in the habit of employing the remedy. + +"My extravagance, Howard?" said she, in a faint way; and quite put off +her purpose of swooning by the sudden attack made upon her--"Surely, my +love, you have nothing to complain of--" + +"To complain of, ma'am?" roared the excellent Walker. "Is two hundred +guineas to a music-master nothing to complain of? Did you bring me such +a fortune as to authorise your taking guinea lessons? Haven't I raised +you out of your sphere of life and introduced you to the best of the +land? Haven't I dressed you like a duchess? Haven't I been for you such +a husband as very few women in the world ever had, madam?--answer me +that." + +"Indeed, Howard, you were always very kind," sobbed the lady. + +"Haven't I toiled and slaved for you--been out all day working for you? +Haven't I allowed your vulgar old mother to come to your house--to my +house, I say? Haven't I done all this?" + +She could not deny it, and Walker, who was in a rage (and when a man is +in a rage, for what on earth is a wife made but that he should vent his +rage on her?), continued for some time in this strain, and so abused, +frightened, and overcame poor Morgiana that she left her husband fully +convinced that she was the most guilty of beings, and bemoaning his +double bad fortune, that her Howard was ruined and she the cause of his +misfortunes. + +When she was gone, Mr. Walker resumed his equanimity (for he was not +one of those men whom a few months of the King's Bench were likely to +terrify), and drank several glasses of punch in company with his host; +with whom in perfect calmness he talked over his affairs. That he +intended to pay his debt and quit the spunging-house next day is a +matter of course; no one ever was yet put in a spunging-house that did +not pledge his veracity he intended to quit it to-morrow. Mr. Bendigo +said he should be heartily glad to open the door to him, and in the +meantime sent out diligently to see among his friends if there were +any more detainers against the Captain, and to inform the Captain's +creditors to come forward against him. + +Morgiana went home in profound grief, it may be imagined, and could +hardly refrain from bursting into tears when the sugar-loaf page asked +whether master was coming home early, or whether he had taken his key; +she lay awake tossing and wretched the whole night, and very early in +the morning rose up, and dressed, and went out. + +Before nine o'clock she was in Cursitor Street, and once more joyfully +bounced into her husband's arms; who woke up yawning and swearing +somewhat, with a severe headache, occasioned by the jollification of the +previous night: for, strange though it may seem, there are perhaps no +places in Europe where jollity is more practised than in prisons for +debt; and I declare for my own part (I mean, of course, that I went +to visit a friend) I have dined at Mr. Aminadab's as sumptuously as at +Long's. + +But it is necessary to account for Morgiana's joyfulness; which was +strange in her husband's perplexity, and after her sorrow of the +previous night. Well, then, when Mrs. Walker went out in the morning, +she did so with a very large basket under her arm. "Shall I carry the +basket, ma'am?" said the page, seizing it with much alacrity. + +"No, thank you," cried his mistress, with equal eagerness: "it's only--" + +"Of course, ma'am," replied the boy, sneering, "I knew it was that." + +"Glass," continued Mrs. Walker, turning extremely red. "Have +the goodness to call a coach, sir, and not to speak till you are +questioned." + +The young gentleman disappeared upon his errand: the coach was called +and came. Mrs. Walker slipped into it with her basket, and the page went +downstairs to his companions in the kitchen, and said, "It's a-comin'! +master's in quod, and missus has gone out to pawn the plate." When the +cook went out that day, she somehow had by mistake placed in her basket +a dozen of table-knives and a plated egg-stand. When the lady's-maid +took a walk in the course of the afternoon, she found she had occasion +for eight cambric pocket-handkerchiefs, (marked with her mistress's +cipher), half-a-dozen pair of shoes, gloves, long and short, some silk +stockings, and a gold-headed scent-bottle. "Both the new cashmeres is +gone," said she, "and there's nothing left in Mrs. Walker's trinket-box +but a paper of pins and an old coral bracelet." As for the page, he +rushed incontinently to his master's dressing-room and examined every +one of the pockets of his clothes; made a parcel of some of them, and +opened all the drawers which Walker had not locked before his departure. +He only found three-halfpence and a bill stamp, and about forty-five +tradesmen's accounts, neatly labelled and tied up with red tape. +These three worthies, a groom who was a great admirer of Trimmer the +lady's-maid, and a policeman a friend of the cook's, sat down to a +comfortable dinner at the usual hour, and it was agreed among them all +that Walker's ruin was certain. The cook made the policeman a present of +a china punch-bowl which Mrs. Walker had given her; and the lady's-maid +gave her friend the "Book of Beauty" for last year, and the third volume +of Byron's poems from the drawing-room table. + +"I'm dash'd if she ain't taken the little French clock, too," said the +page, and so indeed Mrs. Walker had; it slipped in the basket where +it lay enveloped in one of her shawls, and then struck madly and +unnaturally a great number of times, as Morgiana was lifting her store +of treasures out of the hackney-coach. The coachman wagged his head +sadly as he saw her walking as quick as she could under her heavy load, +and disappearing round the corner of the street at which Mr. Balls's +celebrated jewellery establishment is situated. It is a grand shop, with +magnificent silver cups and salvers, rare gold-headed canes, flutes, +watches, diamond brooches, and a few fine specimens of the old masters +in the window, and under the words-- + + BALLS, JEWELLER, + +you read + + Money Lent. + +in the very smallest type, on the door. + +The interview with Mr. Balls need not be described; but it must have +been a satisfactory one, for at the end of half an hour Morgiana +returned and bounded into the coach with sparkling eyes, and told the +driver to GALLOP to Cursitor Street; which, smiling, he promised to do, +and accordingly set off in that direction at the rate of four miles an +hour. "I thought so," said the philosophic charioteer. "When a man's +in quod, a woman don't mind her silver spoons;" and he was so delighted +with her action, that he forgot to grumble when she came to settle +accounts with him, even though she gave him only double his fare. + +"Take me to him," said she to the young Hebrew who opened the door. + +"To whom?" says the sarcastic youth; "there's twenty HIM'S here. You're +precious early." + +"To Captain Walker, young man," replied Morgiana haughtily; whereupon +the youth opening the second door, and seeing Mr. Bendigo in a flowered +dressing-gown descending the stairs, exclaimed, "Papa, here's a lady for +the Captain." "I'm come to free him," said she, trembling, and holding +out a bundle of bank-notes. "Here's the amount of your claim, sir--two +hundred and twenty guineas, as you told me last night." The Jew took the +notes, and grinned as he looked at her, and grinned double as he looked +at his son, and begged Mrs. Walker to step into his study and take a +receipt. When the door of that apartment closed upon the lady and his +father, Mr. Bendigo the younger fell back in an agony of laughter, which +it is impossible to describe in words, and presently ran out into a +court where some of the luckless inmates of the house were already +taking the air, and communicated something to them which made those +individuals also laugh as uproariously as he had previously done. + +Well, after joyfully taking the receipt from Mr. Bendigo (how her cheeks +flushed and her heart fluttered as she dried it on the blotting-book!), +and after turning very pale again on hearing that the Captain had had a +very bad night: "And well he might, poor dear!" said she (at which Mr. +Bendigo, having no person to grin at, grinned at a marble bust of +Mr. Pitt, which ornamented his sideboard)--Morgiana, I say, these +preliminaries being concluded, was conducted to her husband's apartment, +and once more flinging her arms round her dearest Howard's neck, told +him with one of the sweetest smiles in the world, to make haste and +get up and come home, for breakfast was waiting and the carriage at the +door. + +"What do you mean, love?" said the Captain, starting up and looking +exceedingly surprised. + +"I mean that my dearest is free; that the odious little creature is +paid--at least the horrid bailiff is." + +"Have you been to Baroski?" said Walker, turning very red. + +"Howard!" said his wife, quite indignant. + +"Did--did your mother give you the money?" asked the Captain. + +"No; I had it by me" replies Mrs. Walker, with a very knowing look. + +Walker was more surprised than ever. "Have you any more by you?" said +he. + +Mrs. Walker showed him her purse with two guineas. "That is all, love," +she said. "And I wish," continued she, "you would give me a draft to pay +a whole list of little bills that have somehow all come in within the +last few days." + +"Well, well, you shall have the cheque," continued Mr. Walker, and began +forthwith to make his toilet, which completed, he rang for Mr. Bendigo, +and his bill, and intimated his wish to go home directly. + +The honoured bailiff brought the bill, but with regard to his being +free, said it was impossible. + +"How impossible?" said Mrs. Walker, turning very red: and then very +pale. "Did I not pay just now?" + +"So you did, and you've got the reshipt; but there's another detainer +against the Captain for a hundred and fifty. Eglantine and Mossrose, of +Bond Street;--perfumery for five years, you know." + +"You don't mean to say you were such a fool as to pay without asking if +there were any more detainers?" roared Walker to his wife. + +"Yes, she was though," chuckled Mr. Bendigo; "but she'll know better the +next time: and, besides, Captain, what's a hundred and fifty pounds to +you?" + +Though Walker desired nothing so much in the world at that moment as +the liberty to knock down his wife, his sense of prudence overcame his +desire for justice: if that feeling may be called prudence on his part, +which consisted in a strong wish to cheat the bailiff into the idea that +he (Walker) was an exceedingly respectable and wealthy man. Many worthy +persons indulge in this fond notion, that they are imposing upon the +world; strive to fancy, for instance, that their bankers consider +them men of property because they keep a tolerable balance, pay little +tradesmen's bills with ostentatious punctuality, and so forth--but the +world, let us be pretty sure, is as wise as need be, and guesses our +real condition with a marvellous instinct, or learns it with curious +skill. The London tradesman is one of the keenest judges of human nature +extant; and if a tradesman, how much more a bailiff? In reply to the +ironic question, "What's a hundred and fifty pounds to you?" Walker, +collecting himself, answers, "It is an infamous imposition, and I owe +the money no more than you do; but, nevertheless, I shall instruct +my lawyers to pay it in the course of the morning: under protest, of +course." + +"Oh, of course," said Mr. Bendigo, bowing and quitting the room, and +leaving Mrs. Walker to the pleasure of a tete-a-tete with her husband. + +And now being alone with the partner of his bosom, the worthy gentleman +began an address to her which cannot be put down on paper here; because +the world is exceedingly squeamish, and does not care to hear the whole +truth about rascals, and because the fact is that almost every other +word of the Captain's speech was a curse, such as would shock the +beloved reader were it put in print. + +Fancy, then, in lieu of the conversation, a scoundrel, disappointed and +in a fury, wreaking his brutal revenge upon an amiable woman, who sits +trembling and pale, and wondering at this sudden exhibition of wrath. +Fancy how he clenches his fists and stands over her, and stamps and +screams out curses with a livid face, growing wilder and wilder in his +rage; wrenching her hand when she wants to turn away, and only stopping +at last when she has fallen off the chair in a fainting fit, with +a heart-breaking sob that made the Jew-boy who was listening at the +key-hole turn quite pale and walk away. Well, it is best, perhaps, that +such a conversation should not be told at length:--at the end of +it, when Mr. Walker had his wife lifeless on the floor, he seized a +water-jug and poured it over her; which operation pretty soon brought +her to herself, and shaking her black ringlets, she looked up once more +again timidly into his face, and took his hand, and began to cry. + +He spoke now in a somewhat softer voice, and let her keep paddling on +with his hand as before; he COULDN'T speak very fiercely to the poor +girl in her attitude of defeat, and tenderness, and supplication. +"Morgiana," said he, "your extravagance and carelessness have brought me +to ruin, I'm afraid. If you had chosen to have gone to Baroski, a word +from you would have made him withdraw the writ, and my property wouldn't +have been sacrificed, as it has now been, for nothing. It mayn't be yet +too late, however, to retrieve ourselves. This bill of Eglantine's is +a regular conspiracy, I am sure, between Mossrose and Bendigo here: you +must go to Eglantine--he's an old--an old flame of yours, you know." + +She dropped his hand: "I can't go to Eglantine after what has passed +between us," she said; but Walker's face instantly began to wear a +certain look, and she said with a shudder, "Well, well, dear, I WILL +go." "You will go to Eglantine, and ask him to take a bill for the +amount of this shameful demand--at any date, never mind what. Mind, +however, to see him alone, and I'm sure if you choose you can settle the +business. Make haste; set off directly, and come back, as there may be +more detainers in." + +Trembling, and in a great flutter, Morgiana put on her bonnet and +gloves, and went towards the door. "It's a fine morning," said Mr. +Walker, looking out: "a walk will do you good; and--Morgiana--didn't you +say you had a couple of guineas in your pocket?" + +"Here it is," said she, smiling all at once, and holding up her face to +be kissed. She paid the two guineas for the kiss. Was it not a mean act? +"Is it possible that people can love where they do not respect?" says +Miss Prim: "_I_ never would." Nobody asked you, Miss Prim: but recollect +Morgiana was not born with your advantages of education and breeding; +and was, in fact, a poor vulgar creature, who loved Mr. Walker, not +because her mamma told her, nor because he was an exceedingly eligible +and well-brought-up young man, but because she could not help it, and +knew no better. Nor is Mrs. Walker set up as a model of virtue: ah, no! +when I want a model of virtue I will call in Baker Street, and ask for a +sitting of my dear (if I may be permitted to say so) Miss Prim. + +We have Mr. Howard Walker safely housed in Mr. Bendigo's establishment +in Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane; and it looks like mockery and want of +feeling towards the excellent hero of this story (or, as should rather +be said, towards the husband of the heroine) to say what he might have +been but for the unlucky little circumstance of Baroski's passion for +Morgiana. + +If Baroski had not fallen in love with Morgiana, he would not have given +her two hundred guineas' worth of lessons; he would not have so far +presumed as to seize her hand, and attempt to kiss it; if he had not +attempted to kiss her, she would not have boxed his ears; he would not +have taken out the writ against Walker; Walker would have been free, +very possibly rich, and therefore certainly respected: he always said +that a month's more liberty would have set him beyond the reach of +misfortune. + +The assertion is very likely a correct one; for Walker had a flashy +enterprising genius, which ends in wealth sometimes; in the King's Bench +not seldom; occasionally, alas! in Van Diemen's Land. He might have been +rich, could he have kept his credit, and had not his personal expenses +and extravagances pulled him down. He had gallantly availed himself of +his wife's fortune; nor could any man in London, as he proudly said, +have made five hundred pounds go so far. He had, as we have seen, +furnished a house, sideboard, and cellar with it: he had a carriage, and +horses in his stable, and with the remainder he had purchased shares +in four companies--of three of which he was founder and director, had +conducted innumerable bargains in the foreign stocks, had lived and +entertained sumptuously, and made himself a very considerable income. He +had set up THE CAPITOL Loan and Life Assurance Company, had discovered +the Chimborazo gold mines, and the Society for Recovering and Draining +the Pontine Marshes; capital ten millions; patron HIS HOLINESS THE POPE. +It certainly was stated in an evening paper that His Holiness had made +him a Knight of the Spur, and had offered to him the rank of Count; and +he was raising a loan for His Highness, the Cacique of Panama, who had +sent him (by way of dividend) the grand cordon of His Highness's order +of the Castle and Falcon, which might be seen any day at his office in +Bond Street, with the parchments signed and sealed by the Grand Master +and Falcon King-at-arms of His Highness. In a week more Walker would +have raised a hundred thousand pounds on His Highness's twenty per cent. +loan; he would have had fifteen thousand pounds commission for himself; +his companies would have risen to par, he would have realised his +shares; he would have gone into Parliament; he would have been made a +baronet, who knows? a peer, probably! "And I appeal to you, sir," Walker +would say to his friends, "could any man have shown better proof of his +affection for his wife than by laying out her little miserable money as +I did? They call me heartless, sir, because I didn't succeed; sir, my +life has been a series of sacrifices for that woman, such as no man ever +performed before." + +A proof of Walker's dexterity and capability for business may be seen +in the fact that he had actually appeased and reconciled one of his +bitterest enemies--our honest friend Eglantine. After Walker's marriage +Eglantine, who had now no mercantile dealings with his former agent, +became so enraged with him, that, as the only means of revenge in his +power, he sent him in his bill for goods supplied to the amount of +one hundred and fifty guineas, and sued him for the amount. But Walker +stepped boldly over to his enemy, and in the course of half an hour they +were friends. + +Eglantine promised to forego his claim; and accepted in lieu of it three +hundred-pound shares of the ex-Panama stock, bearing twenty-five per +cent., payable half-yearly at the house of Hocus Brothers, St. Swithin's +Lane; three hundred-pound shares, and the SECOND class of the order +of the Castle and Falcon, with the riband and badge. "In four years, +Eglantine, my boy, I hope to get you the Grand Cordon of the order," +said Walker: "I hope to see you a KNIGHT GRAND CROSS, with a grant of a +hundred thousand acres reclaimed from the Isthmus." + +To do my poor Eglantine justice, he did not care for the hundred +thousand acres--it was the star that delighted him--ah! how his fat +chest heaved with delight as he sewed on the cross and riband to his +dress-coat, and lighted up four wax candles and looked at himself in +the glass. He was known to wear a great-coat after that--it was that he +might wear the cross under it. That year he went on a trip to Boulogne. +He was dreadfully ill during the voyage, but as the vessel entered +the port he was seen to emerge from the cabin, his coat open, the star +blazing on his chest; the soldiers saluted him as he walked the streets, +he was called Monsieur le Chevalier, and when he went home he entered +into negotiations with Walker to purchase a commission in His Highness's +service. Walker said he would get him the nominal rank of Captain, the +fees at the Panama War Office were five-and-twenty pounds, which +sum honest Eglantine produced, and had his commission, and a pack of +visiting cards printed as Captain Archibald Eglantine, K.C.F. Many a +time he looked at them as they lay in his desk, and he kept the cross in +his dressing-table, and wore it as he shaved every morning. + +His Highness the Cacique, it is well known, came to England, and had +lodgings in Regent Street, where he held a levee, at which Eglantine +appeared in the Panama uniform, and was most graciously received by +his Sovereign. His Highness proposed to make Captain Eglantine his +aide-de-camp with the rank of Colonel, but the Captain's exchequer +was rather low at that moment, and the fees at the "War Office" were +peremptory. Meanwhile His Highness left Regent Street, was said by some +to have returned to Panama, by others to be in his native city of Cork, +by others to be leading a life of retirement in the New Cut, Lambeth; +at any rate was not visible for some time, so that Captain Eglantine's +advancement did not take place. Eglantine was somehow ashamed to mention +his military and chivalric rank to Mr. Mossrose, when that gentleman +came into partnership with him; and kept these facts secret, until +they were detected by a very painful circumstance. On the very day when +Walker was arrested at the suit of Benjamin Baroski, there appeared in +the newspapers an account of the imprisonment of His Highness the Prince +of Panama for a bill owing to a licensed victualler in Ratcliff Highway. +The magistrate to whom the victualler subsequently came to complain +passed many pleasantries on the occasion. He asked whether His Highness +did not drink like a swan with two necks; whether he had brought any +Belles savages with him from Panama, and so forth; and the whole court, +said the report, "was convulsed with laughter when Boniface produced a +green and yellow riband with a large star of the order of the Castle +and Falcon, with which His Highness proposed to gratify him, in lieu of +paying his little bill." + +It was as he was reading the above document with a bleeding heart that +Mr. Mossrose came in from his daily walk to the City. "Vell, Eglantine," +says he, "have you heard the newsh?" + +"About His Highness?" + +"About your friend Valker; he's arrested for two hundred poundsh!" + +Eglantine at this could contain no more; but told his story of how he +had been induced to accept three hundred pounds of Panama stock for +his account against Walker, and cursed his stars for his folly. "Vell, +you've only to bring in another bill," said the younger perfumer; +"swear he owes you a hundred and fifty pounds, and we'll have a writ out +against him this afternoon." + +And so a second writ was taken out against Captain Walker. + +"You'll have his wife here very likely in a day or two," said Mr. +Mossrose to his partner; "them chaps always sends their wives, and I +hope you know how to deal with her." + +"I don't value her a fig's hend," said Eglantine. "I'll treat her like +the dust of the hearth. After that woman's conduct to me, I should like +to see her have the haudacity to come here; and if she does, you'll see +how I'll serve her." + +The worthy perfumer was, in fact, resolved to be exceedingly +hard-hearted in his behaviour towards his old love, and acted over at +night in bed the scene which was to occur when the meeting should take +place. Oh, thought he, but it will be a grand thing to see the proud +Morgiana on her knees to me; and me a-pointing to the door, and saying, +"Madam, you've steeled this 'eart against you, you have;--bury the +recollection of old times, of those old times when I thought my 'eart +would have broke, but it didn't--no: 'earts are made of sterner stuff. I +didn't die, as I thought I should; I stood it, and live to see the woman +I despised at my feet--ha, ha, at my feet!" + +In the midst of these thoughts Mr. Eglantine fell asleep; but it +was evident that the idea of seeing Morgiana once more agitated him +considerably, else why should he have been at the pains of preparing +so much heroism? His sleep was exceedingly fitful and troubled; he saw +Morgiana in a hundred shapes; he dreamed that he was dressing her hair; +that he was riding with her to Richmond; that the horse turned into a +dragon, and Morgiana into Woolsey, who took him by the throat and choked +him, while the dragon played the key-bugle. And in the morning when +Mossrose was gone to his business in the City, and he sat reading the +Morning Post in his study, ah! what a thump his heart gave as the lady +of his dreams actually stood before him! + +Many a lady who purchased brushes at Eglantine's shop would have given +ten guineas for such a colour as his when he saw her. His heart beat +violently, he was almost choking in his stays: he had been prepared for +the visit, but his courage failed him now it had come. They were both +silent for some minutes. + +"You know what I am come for," at last said Morgiana from under her +veil, but she put it aside as she spoke. + +"I--that is--yes--it's a painful affair, mem," he said, giving one look +at her pale face, and then turning away in a flurry. "I beg to refer +you to Blunt, Hone, and Sharpus, my lawyers, mem," he added, collecting +himself. + +"I didn't expect this from YOU, Mr. Eglantine," said the lady, and began +to sob. + +"And after what's 'appened, I didn't expect a visit from YOU, mem. +I thought Mrs. Capting Walker was too great a dame to visit poor +Harchibald Eglantine (though some of the first men in the country DO +visit him). Is there anything in which I can oblige you, mem?" + +"O heavens!" cried the poor woman; "have I no friend left? I never +thought that you, too, would have deserted me, Mr. Archibald." + +The "Archibald," pronounced in the old way, had evidently an effect on +the perfumer; he winced and looked at her very eagerly for a moment. +"What can I do for you, mem?" at last said he. + +"What is this bill against Mr. Walker, for which he is now in prison?" + +"Perfumery supplied for five years; that man used more 'air-brushes than +any duke in the land, and as for eau-de-Cologne, he must have bathed +himself in it. He hordered me about like a lord. He never paid me one +shilling--he stabbed me in my most vital part--but ah! ah! never mind +THAT: and I said I would be revenged, and I AM." + +The perfumer was quite in a rage again by this time, and wiped his fat +face with his pocket-handkerchief, and glared upon Mrs. Walker with a +most determined air. + +"Revenged on whom? Archibald--Mr. Eglantine, revenged on me--on a poor +woman whom you made miserable! You would not have done so once." + +"Ha! and a precious way you treated me ONCE," said Eglantine: "don't +talk to me, mem, of ONCE. Bury the recollection of once for hever! +I thought my 'eart would have broke once, but no: 'earts are made of +sterner stuff. I didn't die, as I thought I should; I stood it--and I +live to see the woman who despised me at my feet." + +"Oh, Archibald!" was all the lady could say, and she fell to sobbing +again: it was perhaps her best argument with the perfumer. + +"Oh, Harchibald, indeed!" continued he, beginning to swell; "don't call +me Harchibald, Morgiana. Think what a position you might have held if +you'd chose: when, when--you MIGHT have called me Harchibald. Now +it's no use," added he, with harrowing pathos; "but, though I've been +wronged, I can't bear to see women in tears--tell me what I can do." + +"Dear good Mr. Eglantine, send to your lawyers and stop this horrid +prosecution--take Mr. Walker's acknowledgment for the debt. If he is +free, he is sure to have a very large sum of money in a few days, and +will pay you all. Do not ruin him--do not ruin me by persisting now. Be +the old kind Eglantine you were." + +Eglantine took a hand, which Morgiana did not refuse; he thought about +old times. He had known her since childhood almost; as a girl he dandled +her on his knee at the "Kidneys;" as a woman he had adored her--his +heart was melted. + +"He did pay me in a sort of way," reasoned the perfumer with +himself--"these bonds, though they are not worth much, I took 'em for +better or for worse, and I can't bear to see her crying, and to trample +on a woman in distress. Morgiana," he added, in a loud cheerful voice, +"cheer up; I'll give you a release for your husband: I WILL be the old +kind Eglantine I was." + +"Be the old kind jackass you vash!" here roared a voice that made Mr. +Eglantine start. "Vy, vat an old fat fool you are, Eglantine, to give up +our just debts because a voman comes snivelling and crying to you--and +such a voman, too!" exclaimed Mr. Mossrose, for his was the voice. + +"Such a woman, sir?" cried the senior partner. + +"Yes; such a woman--vy, didn't she jilt you herself?--hasn't she been +trying the same game with Baroski; and are you so green as to give up +a hundred and fifty pounds because she takes a fancy to come vimpering +here? I won't, I can tell you. The money's as much mine as it is yours, +and I'll have it or keep Walker's body, that's what I will." + +At the presence of his partner, the timid good genius of Eglantine, +which had prompted him to mercy and kindness, at once outspread its +frightened wings and flew away. + +"You see how it is, Mrs. W.," said he, looking down; "it's an affair +of business--in all these here affairs of business Mr. Mossrose is the +managing man; ain't you, Mr. Mossrose?" + +"A pretty business it would be if I wasn't," replied Mossrose, doggedly. +"Come, ma'am," says he, "I'll tell you vat I do: I take fifty per shent; +not a farthing less--give me that, and out your husband goes." + +"Oh, sir, Howard will pay you in a week." + +"Vell, den, let him stop at my uncle Bendigo's for a week, and come out +den--he's very comfortable there," said Shylock with a grin. "Hadn't +you better go to the shop, Mr. Eglantine," continued he, "and look after +your business? Mrs. Walker can't want you to listen to her all day." + +Eglantine was glad of the excuse, and slunk out of the studio; not into +the shop, but into his parlour; where he drank off a great glass of +maraschino, and sat blushing and exceedingly agitated, until Mossrose +came to tell him that Mrs. W. was gone, and wouldn't trouble him any +more. But although he drank several more glasses of maraschino, and went +to the play that night, and to the Cider-cellars afterwards, neither +the liquor, nor the play, nor the delightful comic songs at the cellars, +could drive Mrs. Walker out of his head, and the memory of old times, +and the image of her pale weeping face. + +Morgiana tottered out of the shop, scarcely heeding the voice of Mr. +Mossrose, who said, "I'll take forty per shent" (and went back to his +duty cursing himself for a soft-hearted fool for giving up so much of +his rights to a puling woman). Morgiana, I say, tottered out of the +shop, and went up Conduit Street, weeping, weeping with all her eyes. +She was quite faint, for she had taken nothing that morning but the +glass of water which the pastry-cook in the Strand had given her, and +was forced to take hold of the railings of a house for support just as +a little gentleman with a yellow handkerchief under his arm was issuing +from the door. + +"Good heavens, Mrs. Walker!" said the gentleman. It was no other than +Mr. Woolsey, who was going forth to try a body-coat for a customer. "Are +you ill?--what's the matter?--for God's sake come in!" and he took her +arm under his, and led her into his back-parlour, and seated her, and +had some wine and water before her in one minute, before she had said +one single word regarding herself. + +As soon as she was somewhat recovered, and with the interruption of +a thousand sobs, the poor thing told as well as she could her little +story. Mr. Eglantine had arrested Mr. Walker: she had been trying to +gain time for him; Eglantine had refused. + +"The hard-hearted cowardly brute to refuse HER anything!" said loyal Mr. +Woolsey. "My dear," says he, "I've no reason to love your husband, and I +know too much about him to respect him; but I love and respect YOU, and +will spend my last shilling to serve you." At which Morgiana could only +take his hand and cry a great deal more than ever. She said Mr. Walker +would have a great deal of money in a week, that he was the best of +husbands, and she was sure Mr. Woolsey would think better of him when +he knew him; that Mr. Eglantine's bill was one hundred and fifty pounds, +but that Mr. Mossrose would take forty per cent. if Mr. Woolsey could +say how much that was. + +"I'll pay a thousand pound to do you good," said Mr. Woolsey, bouncing +up; "stay here for ten minutes, my dear, until my return, and all shall +be right, as you will see." He was back in ten minutes, and had called +a cab from the stand opposite (all the coachmen there had seen and +commented on Mrs. Walker's woebegone looks), and they were off for +Cursitor Street in a moment. "They'll settle the whole debt for twenty +pounds," said he, and showed an order to that effect from Mr. Mossrose +to Mr. Bendigo, empowering the latter to release Walker on receiving Mr. +Woolsey's acknowledgment for the above sum. + +"There's no use paying it," said Mr. Walker, doggedly; "it would only +be robbing you, Mr. Woolsey--seven more detainers have come in while my +wife has been away. I must go through the court now; but," he added in a +whisper to the tailor, "my good sir, my debts of HONOUR are sacred, and +if you will have the goodness to lend ME the twenty pounds, I pledge you +my word as a gentleman to return it when I come out of quod." + +It is probable that Mr. Woolsey declined this; for, as soon as he was +gone, Walker, in a tremendous fury, began cursing his wife for dawdling +three hours on the road. "Why the deuce, ma'am, didn't you take a cab?" +roared he, when he heard she had walked to Bond Street. "Those writs +have only been in half an hour, and I might have been off but for you." + +"Oh, Howard," said she, "didn't you take--didn't I give you my--my last +shilling?" and fell back and wept again more bitterly than ever. + +"Well, love," said her amiable husband, turning rather red, "never mind, +it wasn't your fault. It is but going through the court. It is no great +odds. I forgive you." + + + +CHAPTER VI. IN WHICH MR. WALKER STILL REMAINS IN DIFFICULTIES, BUT SHOWS +GREAT RESIGNATION UNDER HIS MISFORTUNES. + +The exemplary Walker, seeing that escape from his enemies was hopeless, +and that it was his duty as a man to turn on them and face them, now +determined to quit the splendid though narrow lodgings which Mr. +Bendigo had provided for him, and undergo the martyrdom of the Fleet. +Accordingly, in company with that gentleman, he came over to Her +Majesty's prison, and gave himself into the custody of the officers +there; and did not apply for the accommodation of the Rules (by which +in those days the captivity of some debtors was considerably lightened), +because he knew perfectly well that there was no person in the wide +world who would give a security for the heavy sums for which Walker was +answerable. What these sums were is no matter, and on this head we do +not think it at all necessary to satisfy the curiosity of the reader. He +may have owed hundreds--thousands, his creditors only can tell; he paid +the dividend which has been formerly mentioned, and showed thereby his +desire to satisfy all claims upon him to the uttermost farthing. + +As for the little house in Connaught Square, when, after quitting her +husband, Morgiana drove back thither, the door was opened by the page, +who instantly thanked her to pay his wages; and in the drawing-room, on +a yellow satin sofa, sat a seedy man (with a pot of porter beside him +placed on an album for fear of staining the rosewood table), and the +seedy man signified that he had taken possession of the furniture in +execution for a judgment debt. Another seedy man was in the dining-room, +reading a newspaper, and drinking gin; he informed Mrs. Walker that +he was the representative of another judgment debt and of another +execution:--"There's another on 'em in the kitchen," said the page, +"taking an inwentory of the furniture; and he swears he'll have you took +up for swindling, for pawning the plate." + +"Sir," said Mr. Woolsey, for that worthy man had conducted Morgiana +home--"sir," said he, shaking his stick at the young page, "if you give +any more of your impudence, I'll beat every button off your jacket:" and +as there were some four hundred of these ornaments, the page was silent. +It was a great mercy for Morgiana that the honest and faithful tailor +had accompanied her. The good fellow had waited very patiently for her +for an hour in the parlour or coffee-room of the lock-up house, knowing +full well that she would want a protector on her way homewards; and his +kindness will be more appreciated when it is stated that, during +the time of his delay in the coffee-room, he had been subject to the +entreaties, nay, to the insults, of Cornet Fipkin of the Blues, who was +in prison at the suit of Linsey, Woolsey and Co., and who happened to be +taking his breakfast in the apartment when his obdurate creditor entered +it. The Cornet (a hero of eighteen, who stood at least five feet three +in his boots, and owed fifteen thousand pounds) was so enraged at the +obduracy of his creditor that he said he would have thrown him out of +the window but for the bars which guarded it; and entertained serious +thoughts of knocking the tailor's head off, but that the latter, putting +his right leg forward and his fists in a proper attitude, told the +young officer to "come on;" on which the Cornet cursed the tailor for a +"snob," and went back to his breakfast. + +The execution people having taken charge of Mr. Walker's house, Mrs. +Walker was driven to take refuge with her mamma near "Sadler's Wells," +and the Captain remained comfortably lodged in the Fleet. He had some +ready money, and with it managed to make his existence exceedingly +comfortable. He lived with the best society of the place, consisting of +several distinguished young noblemen and gentlemen. He spent the morning +playing at fives and smoking cigars; the evening smoking cigars and +dining comfortably. Cards came after dinner; and, as the Captain was +an experienced player, and near a score of years older than most of his +friends, he was generally pretty successful: indeed, if he had received +all the money that was owed to him, he might have come out of prison +and paid his creditors twenty shillings in the pound--that is, if he had +been minded to do so. But there is no use in examining into that point +too closely, for the fact is, young Fipkin only paid him forty pounds +out of seven hundred, for which he gave him I.O.U.'s; Algernon Deuceace +not only did not pay him three hundred and twenty which he lost at blind +hookey, but actually borrowed seven and sixpence in money from Walker, +which has never been repaid to this day; and Lord Doublequits actually +lost nineteen thousand pounds to him at heads and tails, which he never +paid, pleading drunkenness and his minority. The reader may recollect a +paragraph which went the round of the papers entitled-- + +"Affair of honour in the Fleet Prison.--Yesterday morning (behind the +pump in the second court) Lord D-bl-qu-ts and Captain H-w-rd W-lk-r (a +near relative, we understand, of his Grace the Duke of N-rf-lk) had +a hostile meeting and exchanged two shots. These two young sprigs of +nobility were attended to the ground by Major Flush, who, by the way, +is FLUSH no longer, and Captain Pam, late of the ---- Dragoons. Play is +said to have been the cause of the quarrel, and the gallant Captain is +reported to have handled the noble lord's nose rather roughly at one +stage of the transactions." + +When Morgiana at "Sadler's Wells" heard these news, she was ready to +faint with terror; and rushed to the Fleet Prison, and embraced her lord +and master with her usual expansion and fits of tears: very much to that +gentleman's annoyance, who happened to be in company with Pain and Flush +at the time, and did not care that his handsome wife should be seen +too much in the dubious precincts of the Fleet. He had at least so much +shame about him, and had always rejected her entreaties to be allowed to +inhabit the prison with him. + +"It is enough," would he say, casting his eyes heavenward, and with a +most lugubrious countenance--"it is enough, Morgiana, that _I_ should +suffer, even though your thoughtlessness has been the cause of my ruin. +But enough of THAT! I will not rebuke you for faults for which I know +you are now repentant; and I never could bear to see you in the midst +of the miseries of this horrible place. Remain at home with your mother, +and let me drag on the weary days here alone. If you can get me any more +of that pale sherry, my love, do. I require something to cheer me in +solitude, and have found my chest very much relieved by that wine. Put +more pepper and eggs, my dear, into the next veal-pie you make me. I +can't eat the horrible messes in the coffee-room here." + +It was Walker's wish, I can't tell why, except that it is the wish of +a great number of other persons in this strange world, to make his +wife believe that he was wretched in mind and ill in health; and all +assertions to this effect the simple creature received with numberless +tears of credulity: she would go home to Mrs. Crump, and say how her +darling Howard was pining away, how he was ruined for HER, and with what +angelic sweetness he bore his captivity. The fact is, he bore it with so +much resignation that no other person in the world could see that he +was unhappy. His life was undisturbed by duns; his day was his own from +morning till night; his diet was good, his acquaintances jovial, his +purse tolerably well supplied, and he had not one single care to annoy +him. + +Mrs. Crump and Woolsey, perhaps, received Morgiana's account of her +husband's miseries with some incredulity. The latter was now a daily +visitor to "Sadler's Wells." His love for Morgiana had become a warm +fatherly generous regard for her; it was out of the honest fellow's +cellar that the wine used to come which did so much good to Mr. Walker's +chest; and he tried a thousand ways to make Morgiana happy. + +A very happy day, indeed, it was when, returning from her visit to the +Fleet, she found in her mother's sitting-room her dear grand rosewood +piano, and every one of her music-books, which the kind-hearted tailor +had purchased at the sale of Walker's effects. And I am not ashamed +to say that Morgiana herself was so charmed, that when, as usual, Mr. +Woolsey came to drink tea in the evening, she actually gave him a kiss; +which frightened Mr. Woolsey, and made him blush exceedingly. She +sat down, and played him that evening every one of the songs which +he liked--the OLD songs--none of your Italian stuff. Podmore, the old +music-master, was there too, and was delighted and astonished at the +progress in singing which Morgiana had made; and when the little party +separated, he took Mr. Woolsey by the hand, and said, "Give me leave to +tell you, sir, that you're a TRUMP." + +"That he is," said Canterfield, the first tragic; "an honour to human +nature. A man whose hand is open as day to melting charity, and whose +heart ever melts at the tale of woman's distress." + +"Pooh, pooh, stuff and nonsense, sir," said the tailor; but, upon my +word, Mr. Canterfield's words were perfectly correct. I wish as much +could be said in favour of Woolsey's old rival, Mr. Eglantine, who +attended the sale too, but it was with a horrid kind of satisfaction +at the thought that Walker was ruined. He bought the yellow satin +sofa before mentioned, and transferred it to what he calls his +"sitting-room," where it is to this day, bearing many marks of the best +bear's grease. Woolsey bid against Baroski for the piano, very nearly +up to the actual value of the instrument, when the artist withdrew from +competition; and when he was sneering at the ruin of Mr. Walker, the +tailor sternly interrupted him by saying, "What the deuce are YOU +sneering at? You did it, sir; and you're paid every shilling of your +claim, ain't you?" On which Baroski turned round to Miss Larkins, +and said, Mr. Woolsey was a "snop;" the very word, though pronounced +somewhat differently, which the gallant Cornet Fipkin had applied to +him. + +Well; so he WAS a snob. But, vulgar as he was, I declare, for my part, +that I have a greater respect for Mr. Woolsey than for any single +nobleman or gentleman mentioned in this true history. + +It will be seen from the names of Messrs. Canterfield and Podmore +that Morgiana was again in the midst of the widow Crump's favourite +theatrical society; and this, indeed, was the case. The widow's little +room was hung round with the pictures which were mentioned at the +commencement of the story as decorating the bar of the "Bootjack;" and +several times in a week she received her friends from "The Wells," and +entertained them with such humble refreshments of tea and crumpets as +her modest means permitted her to purchase. Among these persons Morgiana +lived and sang quite as contentedly as she had ever done among the +demireps of her husband's society; and, only she did not dare to own it +to herself, was a great deal happier than she had been for many a day. +Mrs. Captain Walker was still a great lady amongst them. Even in his +ruin, Walker, the director of three companies, and the owner of the +splendid pony-chaise, was to these simple persons an awful character; +and when mentioned they talked with a great deal of gravity of his being +in the country, and hoped Mrs. Captain W. had good news of him. They all +knew he was in the Fleet; but had he not in prison fought a duel with a +viscount? Montmorency (of the Norfolk Circuit) was in the Fleet too; +and when Canterfield went to see poor Montey, the latter had pointed out +Walker to his friend, who actually hit Lord George Tennison across the +shoulders in play with a racket-bat; which event was soon made known to +the whole green-room. + +"They had me up one day," said Montmorency, "to sing a comic song, and +give my recitations; and we had champagne and lobster-salad: SUCH nobs!" +added the player. "Billingsgate and Vauxhall were there too, and left +college at eight o'clock." + +When Morgiana was told of the circumstance by her mother, she hoped her +dear Howard had enjoyed the evening, and was thankful that for once he +could forget his sorrows. Nor, somehow, was she ashamed of herself for +being happy afterwards, but gave way to her natural good-humour without +repentance or self-rebuke. I believe, indeed (alas! why are we made +acquainted with the same fact regarding ourselves long after it is past +and gone?)--I believe these were the happiest days of Morgiana's whole +life. She had no cares except the pleasant one of attending on her +husband, an easy smiling temperament which made her regardless of +to-morrow; and, add to this, a delightful hope relative to a certain +interesting event which was about to occur, and which I shall not +particularise further than by saying, that she was cautioned against too +much singing by Mr. Squills, her medical attendant; and that widow Crump +was busy making up a vast number of little caps and diminutive cambric +shirts, such as delighted GRANDMOTHERS are in the habit of fashioning. +I hope this is as genteel a way of signifying the circumstance which +was about to take place in the Walker family as Miss Prim herself could +desire. Mrs. Walker's mother was about to become a grandmother. There's +a phrase! The Morning Post, which says this story is vulgar, I'm sure +cannot quarrel with that. I don't believe the whole Court Guide would +convey an intimation more delicately. + +Well, Mrs. Crump's little grandchild was born, entirely to the +dissatisfaction, I must say, of his father; who, when the infant was +brought to him in the Fleet, had him abruptly covered up in his cloak +again, from which he had been removed by the jealous prison doorkeepers: +why, do you think? Walker had a quarrel with one of them, and the wretch +persisted in believing that the bundle Mrs. Crump was bringing to her +son-in-law was a bundle of disguised brandy! + +"The brutes!" said the lady; "and the father's a brute, too," said she. +"He takes no more notice of me than if I was a kitchen-maid, and of +Woolsey than if he was a leg of mutton--the dear blessed little cherub!" + +Mrs. Crump was a mother-in-law; let us pardon her hatred of her +daughter's husband. + +The Woolsey compared in the above sentence both to a leg of mutton and +a cherub, was not the eminent member of the firm of Linsey, Woolsey, and +Co., but the little baby, who was christened Howard Woolsey Walker, with +the full consent of the father; who said the tailor was a deuced good +fellow, and felt really obliged to him for the sherry, for a frock-coat +which he let him have in prison, and for his kindness to Morgiana. The +tailor loved the little boy with all his soul; he attended his mother +to her churching, and the child to the font; and, as a present to his +little godson on his christening, he sent two yards of the finest white +kerseymere in his shop, to make him a cloak. The Duke had had a pair of +inexpressibles off that very piece. + +House-furniture is bought and sold, music-lessons are given, children +are born and christened, ladies are confined and churched--time, in +other words, passes--and yet Captain Walker still remains in prison! +Does it not seem strange that he should still languish there between +palisaded walls near Fleet Market, and that he should not be restored to +that active and fashionable world of which he was an ornament? The fact +is, the Captain had been before the court for the examination of his +debts; and the Commissioner, with a cruelty quite shameful towards +a fallen man, had qualified his ways of getting money in most severe +language, and had sent him back to prison again for the space of nine +calendar months, an indefinite period, and until his accounts could +be made up. This delay Walker bore like a philosopher, and, far from +repining, was still the gayest fellow of the tennis-court, and the soul +of the midnight carouse. + +There is no use in raking up old stories, and hunting through files +of dead newspapers, to know what were the specific acts which made the +Commissioner so angry with Captain Walker. Many a rogue has come before +the Court, and passed through it since then: and I would lay a wager +that Howard Walker was not a bit worse than his neighbours. But as he +was not a lord, and as he had no friends on coming out of prison, and +had settled no money on his wife, and had, as it must be confessed, an +exceedingly bad character, it is not likely that the latter would +be forgiven him when once more free in the world. For instance, when +Doublequits left the Fleet, he was received with open arms by his +family, and had two-and-thirty horses in his stables before a week +was over. Pam, of the Dragoons, came out, and instantly got a place as +government courier--a place found so good of late years (and no wonder, +it is better pay than that of a colonel), that our noblemen and gentry +eagerly press for it. Frank Hurricane was sent out as registrar of +Tobago, or Sago, or Ticonderago; in fact, for a younger son of good +family it is rather advantageous to get into debt twenty or thirty +thousand pounds: you are sure of a good place afterwards in the +colonies. Your friends are so anxious to get rid of you, that they will +move heaven and earth to serve you. And so all the above companions of +misfortune with Walker were speedily made comfortable; but HE had no +rich parents; his old father was dead in York jail. How was he to start +in the world again? What friendly hand was there to fill his pocket with +gold, and his cup with sparkling champagne? He was, in fact, an object +of the greatest pity--for I know of no greater than a gentleman of his +habits without the means of gratifying them. He must live well, and +he has not the means. Is there a more pathetic case? As for a mere low +beggar--some labourless labourer, or some weaver out of place--don't +let us throw away our compassion upon THEM. Psha! they're accustomed +to starve. They CAN sleep upon boards, or dine off a crust; whereas +a gentleman would die in the same situation. I think this was poor +Morgiana's way of reasoning. For Walker's cash in prison beginning +presently to run low, and knowing quite well that the dear fellow could +not exist there without the luxuries to which he had been accustomed, +she borrowed money from her mother, until the poor old lady was a sec. +She even confessed, with tears, to Woolsey, that she was in particular +want of twenty pounds, to pay a poor milliner, whose debt she could not +bear to put in her husband's schedule. And I need not say she carried +the money to her husband, who might have been greatly benefited by +it--only he had a bad run of luck at the cards; and how the deuce can a +man help THAT? + +Woolsey had repurchased for her one of the Cashmere shawls. She left it +behind her one day at the Fleet prison, and some rascal stole it there; +having the grace, however, to send Woolsey the ticket, signifying the +place where it had been pawned. Who could the scoundrel have been? +Woolsey swore a great oath, and fancied he knew; but if it was Walker +himself (as Woolsey fancied, and probably as was the case) who made away +with the shawl, being pressed thereto by necessity, was it fair to call +him a scoundrel for so doing, and should we not rather laud the delicacy +of his proceeding? He was poor: who can command the cards? But he did +not wish his wife should know HOW poor: he could not bear that she +should suppose him arrived at the necessity of pawning a shawl. + +She who had such beautiful ringlets, of a sudden pleaded cold in the +head, and took to wearing caps. One summer evening, as she and the baby +and Mrs. Crump and Woolsey (let us say all four babies together) were +laughing and playing in Mrs. Crump's drawing-room--playing the most +absurd gambols, fat Mrs. Crump, for instance, hiding behind the sofa, +Woolsey chuck-chucking, cock-a-doodle-dooing, and performing those +indescribable freaks which gentlemen with philoprogenitive organs will +execute in the company of children--in the midst of their play the baby +gave a tug at his mother's cap; off it came--her hair was cut close to +her head! + +Morgiana turned as red as sealing-wax, and trembled very much; Mrs. +Crump screamed, "My child, where is your hair?" and Woolsey, bursting +out with a most tremendous oath against Walker that would send Miss Prim +into convulsions, put his handkerchief to his face, and actually wept. +"The infernal bubble-ubble-ackguard!" said he, roaring and clenching his +fists. + +As he had passed the Bower of Bloom a few days before, he saw Mossrose, +who was combing out a jet-black ringlet, and held it up, as if for +Woolsey's examination, with a peculiar grin. The tailor did not +understand the joke, but he saw now what had happened. Morgiana had sold +her hair for five guineas; she would have sold her arm had her husband +bidden her. On looking in her drawers it was found she had sold almost +all her wearing apparel; the child's clothes were all there, however. +It was because her husband talked of disposing of a gilt coral that +the child had, that she had parted with the locks which had formed her +pride. + +"I'll give you twenty guineas for that hair, you infamous fat coward," +roared the little tailor to Eglantine that evening. "Give it up, or I'll +kill you-" + +"Mr. Mossrose! Mr. Mossrose!" shouted the perfumer. + +"Vell, vatsh de matter, vatsh de row, fight avay, my boys; two to one +on the tailor," said Mr. Mossrose, much enjoying the sport (for Woolsey, +striding through the shop without speaking to him, had rushed into the +studio, where he plumped upon Eglantine). + +"Tell him about that hair, sir." + +"That hair! Now keep yourself quiet, Mister Timble, and don't tink for +to bully ME. You mean Mrs. Valker's 'air? Vy, she sold it me." + +"And the more blackguard you for buying it! Will you take twenty guineas +for it?" + +"No," said Mossrose. + +"Twenty-five?" + +"Can't," said Mossrose. + +"Hang it! will you take forty? There!" + +"I vish I'd kep it," said the Hebrew gentleman, with unfeigned regret. +"Eglantine dressed it this very night." + +"For Countess Baldenstiern, the Swedish Hambassador's lady," says +Eglantine (his Hebrew partner was by no means a favourite with the +ladies, and only superintended the accounts of the concern). "It's this +very night at Devonshire 'Ouse, with four hostrich plumes, lappets, and +trimmings. And now, Mr. Woolsey, I'll trouble you to apologise." + +Mr. Woolsey did not answer, but walked up to Mr. Eglantine, and snapped +his fingers so close under the perfumer's nose that the latter started +back and seized the bell-rope. Mossrose burst out laughing, and the +tailor walked majestically from the shop, with both hands stuck between +the lappets of his coat. + +"My dear," said he to Morgiana a short time afterwards, "you must +not encourage that husband of yours in his extravagance, and sell the +clothes off your poor back that he may feast and act the fine gentleman +in prison." + +"It is his health, poor dear soul!" interposed Mrs. Walker: "his chest. +Every farthing of the money goes to the doctors, poor fellow!" + +"Well, now listen: I am a rich man" (it was a great fib, for Woolsey's +income, as a junior partner of the firm, was but a small one); "I can +very well afford to make him an allowance while he is in the Fleet, and +have written to him to say so. But if you ever give him a penny, or sell +a trinket belonging to you, upon my word and honour I will withdraw +the allowance, and, though it would go to my heart, I'll never see you +again. You wouldn't make me unhappy, would you?" + +"I'd go on my knees to serve you, and Heaven bless you," said the wife. + +"Well, then, you must give me this promise." And she did. "And now," +said he, "your mother, and Podmore, and I have been talking over +matters, and we've agreed that you may make a very good income for +yourself; though, to be sure, I wish it could have been managed any +other way; but needs must, you know. You're the finest singer in the +universe." + +"La!" said Morgiana, highly delighted. + +"_I_ never heard anything like you, though I'm no judge. Podmore says he +is sure you will do very well, and has no doubt you might get very good +engagements at concerts or on the stage; and as that husband will never +do any good, and you have a child to support, sing you must." + +"Oh! how glad I should be to pay his debts and repay all he has done for +me," cried Mrs. Walker. "Think of his giving two hundred guineas to Mr. +Baroski to have me taught. Was not that kind of him? Do you REALLY think +I should succeed? + +"There's Miss Larkins has succeeded." + +"The little high-shouldered vulgar thing!" says Morgiana. "I'm sure I +ought to succeed if SHE did." + +"She sing against Morgiana?" said Mrs. Crump. "I'd like to see her, +indeed! She ain't fit to snuff a candle to her." + +"I dare say not," said the tailor, "though I don't understand the thing +myself: but if Morgiana can make a fortune, why shouldn't she?" + +"Heaven knows we want it, Woolsey," cried Mrs. Crump. "And to see her on +the stage was always the wish of my heart:" and so it had formerly been +the wish of Morgiana; and now, with the hope of helping her husband and +child, the wish became a duty, and she fell to practising once more from +morning till night. + +One of the most generous of men and tailors who ever lived now promised, +if further instruction should be considered necessary (though that he +could hardly believe possible), that he would lend Morgiana any sum +required for the payment of lessons; and accordingly she once more +betook herself, under Podmore's advice, to the singing school. Baroski's +academy was, after the passages between them, out of the question, +and she placed herself under the instruction of the excellent English +composer Sir George Thrum, whose large and awful wife, Lady Thrum, +dragon of virtue and propriety, kept watch over the master and the +pupils, and was the sternest guardian of female virtue on or off any +stage. + +Morgiana came at a propitious moment. Baroski had launched Miss Larkins +under the name of Ligonier. The Ligonier was enjoying considerable +success, and was singing classical music to tolerable audiences; whereas +Miss Butts, Sir George's last pupil, had turned out a complete failure, +and the rival house was only able to make a faint opposition to the new +star with Miss M'Whirter, who, though an old favourite, had lost her +upper notes and her front teeth, and, the fact was, drew no longer. + +Directly Sir George heard Mrs. Walker, he tapped Podmore, who +accompanied her, on the waistcoat, and said, "Poddy, thank you; we'll +cut the orange boy's throat with that voice." It was by the familiar +title of orange boy that the great Baroski was known among his +opponents. + +"We'll crush him, Podmore," said Lady Thrum, in her deep hollow voice. +"You may stop and dine." And Podmore stayed to dinner, and ate cold +mutton, and drank Marsala with the greatest reverence for the great +English composer. The very next day Lady Thrum hired a pair of horses, +and paid a visit to Mrs. Crump and her daughter at "Sadler's Wells." + +All these things were kept profoundly secret from Walker, who received +very magnanimously the allowance of two guineas a week which Woolsey +made him, and with the aid of the few shillings his wife could bring +him, managed to exist as best he might. He did not dislike gin when he +could get no claret, and the former liquor, under the name of "tape," +used to be measured out pretty liberally in what was formerly Her +Majesty's prison of the Fleet. + +Morgiana pursued her studies under Thrum, and we shall hear in the next +chapter how it was she changed her name to RAVENSWING. + + + +CHAPTER VII. IN WHICH MORGIANA ADVANCES TOWARDS FAME AND HONOUR, AND IN +WHICH SEVERAL GREAT LITERARY CHARACTERS MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE. + +"We must begin, my dear madam," said Sir George Thrum, "by unlearning +all that Mr. Baroski (of whom I do not wish to speak with the slightest +disrespect) has taught you!" + +Morgiana knew that every professor says as much, and submitted to +undergo the study requisite for Sir George's system with perfect good +grace. Au fond, as I was given to understand, the methods of the two +artists were pretty similar; but as there was rivalry between them, and +continual desertion of scholars from one school to another, it was +fair for each to take all the credit he could get in the success of +any pupil. If a pupil failed, for instance, Thrum would say Baroski had +spoiled her irretrievably; while the German would regret "Dat dat yong +voman, who had a good organ, should have trown away her dime wid dat old +Drum." When one of these deserters succeeded, "Yes, yes," would either +professor cry, "I formed her; she owes her fortune to me." Both of them +thus, in future days, claimed the education of the famous Ravenswing; +and even Sir George Thrum, though he wished to ecraser the Ligonier, +pretended that her present success was his work because once she had +been brought by her mother, Mrs. Larkins, to sing for Sir George's +approval. + +When the two professors met it was with the most delighted cordiality +on the part of both. "Mein lieber Herr," Thrum would say (with some +malice), "your sonata in x flat is divine." "Chevalier," Baroski would +reply, "dat andante movement in w is worthy of Beethoven. I gif you +my sacred honour," and so forth. In fact, they loved each other as +gentlemen in their profession always do. + +The two famous professors conduct their academies on very opposite +principles. Baroski writes ballet music; Thrum, on the contrary, says +"he cannot but deplore the dangerous fascinations of the dance," and +writes more for Exeter Hall and Birmingham. While Baroski drives a cab +in the Park with a very suspicious Mademoiselle Leocadie, or Amenaide, +by his side, you may see Thrum walking to evening church with his lady, +and hymns are sung there of his own composition. He belongs to the +"Athenaeum Club," he goes to the Levee once a year, he does +everything that a respectable man should; and if, by the means of this +respectability, he manages to make his little trade far more profitable +than it otherwise would be, are we to quarrel with him for it? + +Sir George, in fact, had every reason to be respectable. He had been a +choir-boy at Windsor, had played to the old King's violoncello, had +been intimate with him, and had received knighthood at the hand of his +revered sovereign. He had a snuff-box which His Majesty gave him, and +portraits of him and the young princes all over the house. He had also +a foreign order (no other, indeed, than the Elephant and Castle of +Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel), conferred upon him by the Grand Duke when +here with the allied sovereigns in 1814. With this ribbon round his +neck, on gala days, and in a white waistcoat, the old gentleman looked +splendid as he moved along in a blue coat with the Windsor button, and +neat black small-clothes, and silk stockings. He lived in an old tall +dingy house, furnished in the reign of George III., his beloved master, +and not much more cheerful now than a family vault. They are awfully +funereal, those ornaments of the close of the last century--tall gloomy +horse-hair chairs, mouldy Turkey carpets with wretched druggets to guard +them, little cracked sticking-plaster miniatures of people in tours and +pigtails over high-shouldered mantelpieces, two dismal urns on each side +of a lanky sideboard, and in the midst a queer twisted receptacle +for worn-out knives with green handles. Under the sideboard stands a +cellaret that looks as if it held half a bottle of currant wine, and +a shivering plate-warmer that never could get any comfort out of the +wretched old cramped grate yonder. Don't you know in such houses the +grey gloom that hangs over the stairs, the dull-coloured old carpet that +winds its way up the same, growing thinner, duller, and more threadbare +as it mounts to the bedroom floors? There is something awful in the +bedroom of a respectable old couple of sixty-five. Think of the old +feathers, turbans, bugles, petticoats, pomatum-pots, spencers, white +satin shoes, false fronts, the old flaccid boneless stays tied up in +faded riband, the dusky fans, the old forty-years-old baby linen, the +letters of Sir George when he was young, the doll of poor Maria who died +in 1803, Frederick's first corduroy breeches, and the newspaper which +contains the account of his distinguishing himself at the siege of +Seringapatam. All these lie somewhere, damp and squeezed down into glum +old presses and wardrobes. At that glass the wife has sat many times +these fifty years; in that old morocco bed her children were born. Where +are they now? Fred the brave captain, and Charles the saucy colleger: +there hangs a drawing of him done by Mr. Beechey, and that sketch by +Cosway was the very likeness of Louisa before-- + +"Mr. Fitz-Boodle! for Heaven's sake come down. What are you doing in a +lady's bedroom?" + +"The fact is, madam, I had no business there in life; but, having had +quite enough wine with Sir George, my thoughts had wandered upstairs +into the sanctuary of female excellence, where your Ladyship nightly +reposes. You do not sleep so well now as in old days, though there is no +patter of little steps to wake you overhead." + +They call that room the nursery still, and the little wicket still hangs +at the upper stairs: it has been there for forty years--bon Dieu! Can't +you see the ghosts of little faces peering over it? I wonder whether +they get up in the night as the moonlight shines into the blank vacant +old room, and play there solemnly with little ghostly horses, and the +spirits of dolls, and tops that turn and turn but don't hum. + +Once more, sir, come down to the lower storey--that is to the Morgiana +story--with which the above sentences have no more to do than this +morning's leading article in The Times; only it was at this house of +Sir George Thrum's that I met Morgiana. Sir George, in old days, had +instructed some of the female members of our family, and I recollect +cutting my fingers as a child with one of those attenuated green-handled +knives in the queer box yonder. + +In those days Sir George Thrum was the first great musical teacher +of London, and the royal patronage brought him a great number of +fashionable pupils, of whom Lady Fitz-Boodle was one. It was a long long +time ago: in fact, Sir George Thrum was old enough to remember persons +who had been present at Mr. Braham's first appearance, and the old +gentleman's days of triumph had been those of Billington and Incledon, +Catalani and Madame Storace. + +He was the author of several operas ("The Camel Driver," "Britons +Alarmed; or, the Siege of Bergen-op-Zoom," etc. etc.), and, of course, +of songs which had considerable success in their day, but are forgotten +now, and are as much faded and out of fashion as those old carpets which +we have described in the professor's house, and which were, doubtless, +very brilliant once. But such is the fate of carpets, of flowers, of +music, of men, and of the most admirable novels--even this story will +not be alive for many centuries. Well, well, why struggle against Fate? + +But, though his heyday of fashion was gone, Sir George still held his +place among the musicians of the old school, conducted occasionally +at the Ancient Concerts and the Philharmonic, and his glees are +still favourites after public dinners, and are sung by those old +bacchanalians, in chestnut wigs, who attend for the purpose of amusing +the guests on such occasions of festivity. The great old people at +the gloomy old concerts before mentioned always pay Sir George marked +respect; and, indeed, from the old gentleman's peculiar behaviour to his +superiors, it is impossible they should not be delighted with him, so he +leads at almost every one of the concerts in the old-fashioned houses in +town. + +Becomingly obsequious to his superiors, he is with the rest of the world +properly majestic, and has obtained no small success by his admirable +and undeviating respectability. Respectability has been his great card +through life; ladies can trust their daughters at Sir George Thrum's +academy. "A good musician, madam," says he to the mother of a new pupil, +"should not only have a fine ear, a good voice, and an indomitable +industry, but, above all, a faultless character--faultless, that is, as +far as our poor nature will permit. And you will remark that those young +persons with whom your lovely daughter, Miss Smith, will pursue her +musical studies, are all, in a moral point of view, as spotless as that +charming young lady. How should it be otherwise? I have been myself the +father of a family; I have been honoured with the intimacy of the wisest +and best of kings, my late sovereign George III., and I can proudly show +an example of decorum to my pupils in my Sophia. Mrs. Smith, I have the +honour of introducing to you my Lady Thrum." + +The old lady would rise at this, and make a gigantic curtsey, such a +one as had begun the minuet at Ranelagh fifty years ago; and, the +introduction ended, Mrs. Smith would retire, after having seen the +portraits of the princes, his late Majesty's snuff-box, and a piece of +music which he used to play, noted by himself--Mrs. Smith, I say, would +drive back to Baker Street, delighted to think that her Frederica had +secured so eligible and respectable a master. I forgot to say that, +during the interview between Mrs. Smith and Sir George, the latter would +be called out of his study by his black servant, and my Lady Thrum would +take that opportunity of mentioning when he was knighted, and how he +got his foreign order, and deploring the sad condition of OTHER musical +professors, and the dreadful immorality which sometimes arose in +consequence of their laxness. Sir George was a good deal engaged to +dinners in the season, and if invited to dine with a nobleman, as he +might possibly be on the day when Mrs. Smith requested the honour of +his company, he would write back "that he should have had the sincerest +happiness in waiting upon Mrs. Smith in Baker Street, if, previously, my +Lord Tweedledale had not been so kind as to engage him." This letter, +of course, shown by Mrs. Smith to her friends, was received by them with +proper respect; and thus, in spite of age and new fashions, Sir George +still reigned pre-eminent for a mile round Cavendish Square. By the +young pupils of the academy he was called Sir Charles Grandison; +and, indeed, fully deserved this title on account of the indomitable +respectability of his whole actions. + +It was under this gentleman that Morgiana made her debut in public life. +I do not know what arrangements may have been made between Sir George +Thrum and his pupil regarding the profits which were to accrue to the +former from engagements procured by him for the latter; but there was, +no doubt, an understanding between them. For Sir George, respectable as +he was, had the reputation of being extremely clever at a bargain; and +Lady Thrum herself, in her great high-tragedy way, could purchase a pair +of soles or select a leg of mutton with the best housekeeper in London. + +When, however, Morgiana had been for some six months under his tuition, +he began, for some reason or other, to be exceedingly hospitable, and +invited his friends to numerous entertainments: at one of which, as I +have said, I had the pleasure of meeting Mrs. Walker. + +Although the worthy musician's dinners were not good, the old knight +had some excellent wine in his cellar, and his arrangement of his party +deserves to be commended. + +For instance, he meets me and Bob Fitz-Urse in Pall Mall, at whose +paternal house he was also a visitor. "My dear young gentlemen," says +he, "will you come and dine with a poor musical composer? I have some +Comet hock, and, what is more curious to you, perhaps, as men of wit, +one or two of the great literary characters of London whom you would +like to see--quite curiosities, my dear young friends." And we agreed to +go. + +To the literary men he says: "I have a little quiet party at home: Lord +Roundtowers, the Honourable Mr. Fitz-Urse of the Life Guards, and a few +more. Can you tear yourself away from the war of wits, and take a quiet +dinner with a few mere men about town?" + +The literary men instantly purchase new satin stocks and white gloves, +and are delighted to fancy themselves members of the world of fashion. +Instead of inviting twelve Royal Academicians, or a dozen authors, or +a dozen men of science to dinner, as his Grace the Duke of ---- and the +Right Honourable Sir Robert ---- are in the habit of doing once a +year, this plan of fusion is the one they should adopt. Not invite all +artists, as they would invite all farmers to a rent dinner; but they +should have a proper commingling of artists and men of the world. There +is one of the latter whose name is George Savage Fitz-Boodle, who-- But +let us return to Sir George Thrum. + +Fitz-Urse and I arrive at the dismal old house, and are conducted up the +staircase by a black servant, who shouts out, "Missa Fiss-Boodle--the +HONOURABLE Missa Fiss-Urse!" It was evident that Lady Thrum had +instructed the swarthy groom of the chambers (for there is nothing +particularly honourable in my friend Fitz's face that I know of, unless +an abominable squint may be said to be so). Lady Thrum, whose figure is +something like that of the shot-tower opposite Waterloo Bridge, makes a +majestic inclination and a speech to signify her pleasure at receiving +under her roof two of the children of Sir George's best pupils. A +lady in black velvet is seated by the old fireplace, with whom a stout +gentleman in an exceedingly light coat and ornamental waistcoat is +talking very busily. "The great star of the night," whispers our host. +"Mrs. Walker, gentlemen--the RAVENSWING! She is talking to the famous +Mr. Slang, of the ---- Theatre." + +"Is she a fine singer?" says Fitz-Urse. "She's a very fine woman." + +"My dear young friends, you shall hear to-night! I, who have heard every +fine voice in Europe, confidently pledge my respectability that the +Ravenswing is equal to them all. She has the graces, sir, of a Venus +with the mind of a Muse. She is a siren, sir, without the dangerous +qualities of one. She is hallowed, sir, by her misfortunes as by her +genius; and I am proud to think that my instructions have been the means +of developing the wondrous qualities that were latent within her until +now." + +"You don't say so!" says gobemouche Fitz-Urse. + +Having thus indoctrinated Mr. Fitz-Urse, Sir George takes another of his +guests, and proceeds to work upon him. "My dear Mr. Bludyer, how do you +do? Mr. Fitz-Boodle, Mr. Bludyer, the brilliant and accomplished +wit, whose sallies in the Tomahawk delight us every Saturday. Nay, no +blushes, my dear sir; you are very wicked, but oh! SO pleasant. Well, +Mr. Bludyer, I am glad to see you, sir, and hope you will have +a favourable opinion of our genius, sir. As I was saying to Mr. +Fitz-Boodle, she has the graces of a Venus with the mind of a Muse. She +is a siren, without the dangerous qualities of one," etc. This +little speech was made to half-a-dozen persons in the course of the +evening--persons, for the most part, connected with the public journals +or the theatrical world. There was Mr. Squinny, the editor of the +Flowers of Fashion; Mr. Desmond Mulligan, the poet, and reporter for +a morning paper; and other worthies of their calling. For though +Sir George is a respectable man, and as high-minded and moral an old +gentleman as ever wore knee-buckles, he does not neglect the little arts +of popularity, and can condescend to receive very queer company if need +be. + +For instance, at the dinner-party at which I had the honour of +assisting, and at which, on the right hand of Lady Thrum, sat the oblige +nobleman, whom the Thrums were a great deal too wise to omit (the sight +of a lord does good to us commoners, or why else should we be so anxious +to have one?). In the second place of honour, and on her ladyship's left +hand, sat Mr. Slang, the manager of one of the theatres; a gentleman +whom my Lady Thrum would scarcely, but for a great necessity's sake, +have been induced to invite to her table. He had the honour of leading +Mrs. Walker to dinner, who looked splendid in black velvet and turban, +full of health and smiles. + +Lord Roundtowers is an old gentleman who has been at the theatres five +times a week for these fifty years, a living dictionary of the stage, +recollecting every actor and actress who has appeared upon it for half a +century. He perfectly well remembered Miss Delancy in Morgiana; he knew +what had become of Ali Baba, and how Cassim had left the stage, and was +now the keeper of a public-house. All this store of knowledge he +kept quietly to himself, or only delivered in confidence to his next +neighbour in the intervals of the banquet, which he enjoys prodigiously. +He lives at an hotel: if not invited to dine, eats a mutton-chop +very humbly at his club, and finishes his evening after the play at +Crockford's, whither he goes not for the sake of the play, but of the +supper there. He is described in the Court Guide as of "Simmer's Hotel," +and of Roundtowers, county Cork. It is said that the round towers really +exist. But he has not been in Ireland since the rebellion; and his +property is so hampered with ancestral mortgages, and rent-charges, and +annuities, that his income is barely sufficient to provide the modest +mutton-chop before alluded to. He has, any time these fifty years, lived +in the wickedest company in London, and is, withal, as harmless, mild, +good-natured, innocent an old gentleman as can readily be seen. + +"Roundy," shouts the elegant Mr. Slang, across the table, with a voice +which makes Lady Thrum shudder, "Tuff, a glass of wine." + +My Lord replies meekly, "Mr. Slang, I shall have very much pleasure. +What shall it be?" + +"There is Madeira near you, my Lord," says my Lady, pointing to a tall +thin decanter of the fashion of the year. + +"Madeira! Marsala, by Jove, your Ladyship means!" shouts Mr. Slang. "No, +no, old birds are not caught with chaff. Thrum, old boy, let's have some +of your Comet hock." + +"My Lady Thrum, I believe that IS Marsala," says the knight, blushing a +little, in reply to a question from his Sophia. "Ajax, the hock to Mr. +Slang." + +"I'm in that," yells Bludyer from the end of the table. "My Lord, I'll +join you." + +"Mr. ----, I beg your pardon--I shall be very happy to take wine with +you, sir." + +"It is Mr. Bludyer, the celebrated newspaper writer," whispers Lady +Thrum. + +"Bludyer, Bludyer? A very clever man, I dare say. He has a very loud +voice, and reminds me of Brett. Does your Ladyship remember Brett, who +played the 'Fathers' at the Haymarket in 1802?" + +"What an old stupid Roundtowers is!" says Slang, archly, nudging Mrs. +Walker in the side. "How's Walker, eh?" + +"My husband is in the country," replied Mrs. Walker, hesitatingly. + +"Gammon! _I_ know where he is! Law bless you!--don't blush. I've been +there myself a dozen times. We were talking about quod, Lady Thrum. Were +you ever in college?" + +"I was at the Commemoration at Oxford in 1814, when the sovereigns were +there, and at Cambridge when Sir George received his degree of Doctor of +Music." + +"Laud, Laud, THAT'S not the college WE mean." + +"There is also the college in Gower Street, where my grandson--" + +"This is the college in QUEER STREET, ma'am, haw, haw! Mulligan, you +divvle (in an Irish accent), a glass of wine with you. Wine, here, you +waiter! What's your name, you black nigger? 'Possum up a gum-tree, eh? +Fill him up. Dere he go" (imitating the Mandingo manner of speaking +English) + +In this agreeable way would Mr. Slang rattle on, speedily making himself +the centre of the conversation, and addressing graceful familiarities to +all the gentlemen and ladies round him. + +It was good to see how the little knight, the most moral and calm of +men, was compelled to receive Mr. Slang's stories and the frightened air +with which, at the conclusion of one of them, he would venture upon +a commendatory grin. His lady, on her part too, had been laboriously +civil; and, on the occasion on which I had the honour of meeting this +gentleman and Mrs. Walker, it was the latter who gave the signal for +withdrawing to the lady of the house, by saying, "I think, Lady Thrum, +it is quite time for us to retire." Some exquisite joke of Mr. Slang's +was the cause of this abrupt disappearance. But, as they went upstairs +to the drawing-room, Lady Thrum took occasion to say, "My dear, in +the course of your profession you will have to submit to many such +familiarities on the part of persons of low breeding, such as I fear Mr. +Slang is. But let me caution you against giving way to your temper +as you did. Did you not perceive that _I_ never allowed him to see my +inward dissatisfaction? And I make it a particular point that you should +be very civil to him to-night. Your interests--our interests depend upon +it." + +"And are my interests to make me civil to a wretch like that?" + +"Mrs. Walker, would you wish to give lessons in morality and behaviour +to Lady Thrum?" said the old lady, drawing herself up with great +dignity. It was evident that she had a very strong desire indeed to +conciliate Mr. Slang; and hence I have no doubt that Sir George was to +have a considerable share of Morgiana's earnings. + +Mr. Bludyer, the famous editor of the Tomahawk, whose jokes Sir George +pretended to admire so much (Sir George who never made a joke in his +life), was a press bravo of considerable talent and no principle, and +who, to use his own words, would "back himself for a slashing article +against any man in England!" He would not only write, but fight on a +pinch; was a good scholar, and as savage in his manner as with his +pen. Mr. Squinny is of exactly the opposite school, as delicate as +milk-and-water, harmless in his habits, fond of the flute when the state +of his chest will allow him, a great practiser of waltzing and dancing +in general, and in his journal mildly malicious. He never goes beyond +the bounds of politeness, but manages to insinuate a great deal that is +disagreeable to an author in the course of twenty lines of criticism. +Personally he is quite respectable, and lives with two maiden aunts at +Brompton. Nobody, on the contrary, knows where Mr. Bludyer lives. He has +houses of call, mysterious taverns, where he may be found at particular +hours by those who need him, and where panting publishers are in the +habit of hunting him up. For a bottle of wine and a guinea he will write +a page of praise or abuse of any man living, or on any subject, or on +any line of politics. "Hang it, sir!" says he, "pay me enough and I will +write down my own father!" According to the state of his credit, he +is dressed either almost in rags or else in the extremest flush of the +fashion. With the latter attire he puts on a haughty and aristocratic +air, and would slap a duke on the shoulder. If there is one thing more +dangerous than to refuse to lend him a sum of money when he asks for it, +it is to lend it to him; for he never pays, and never pardons a man to +whom he owes. "Walker refused to cash a bill for me," he had been heard +to say, "and I'll do for his wife when she comes out on the stage!" Mrs. +Walker and Sir George Thrum were in an agony about the Tomahawk; hence +the latter's invitation to Mr. Bludyer. Sir George was in a great tremor +about the Flowers of Fashion, hence his invitation to Mr. Squinny. Mr. +Squinny was introduced to Lord Roundtowers and Mr. Fitz-Urse as one of +the most delightful and talented of our young men of genius; and Fitz, +who believes everything anyone tells him, was quite pleased to have +the honour of sitting near the live editor of a paper. I have reason to +think that Mr. Squinny himself was no less delighted: I saw him giving +his card to Fitz-Urse at the end of the second course. + +No particular attention was paid to Mr. Desmond Mulligan. Political +enthusiasm is his forte. He lives and writes in a rapture. He is, +of course, a member of an inn of court, and greatly addicted to +after-dinner speaking as a preparation for the bar, where as a young man +of genius he hopes one day to shine. He is almost the only man to whom +Bludyer is civil; for, if the latter will fight doggedly when there is +a necessity for so doing, the former fights like an Irishman, and has a +pleasure in it. He has been "on the ground" I don't know how many +times, and quitted his country on account of a quarrel with Government +regarding certain articles published by him in the Phoenix newspaper. +With the third bottle, he becomes overpoweringly great on the wrongs +of Ireland, and at that period generally volunteers a couple or more of +Irish melodies, selecting the most melancholy in the collection. At five +in the afternoon, you are sure to see him about the House of Commons, +and he knows the "Reform Club" (he calls it the Refawrum) as well as if +he were a member. It is curious for the contemplative mind to mark those +mysterious hangers-on of Irish members of Parliament--strange runners +and aides-de-camp which all the honourable gentlemen appear to possess. +Desmond, in his political capacity, is one of these, and besides his +calling as reporter to a newspaper, is "our well-informed correspondent" +of that famous Munster paper, the Green Flag of Skibbereen. + +With Mr. Mulligan's qualities and history I only became subsequently +acquainted. On the present evening he made but a brief stay at the +dinner-table, being compelled by his professional duties to attend the +House of Commons. + +The above formed the party with whom I had the honour to dine. What +other repasts Sir George Thrum may have given, what assemblies of men +of mere science he may have invited to give their opinion regarding his +prodigy, what other editors of papers he may have pacified or rendered +favourable, who knows? On the present occasion, we did not quit the +dinner-table until Mr. Slang the manager was considerably excited +by wine, and music had been heard for some time in the drawing-room +overhead during our absence. An addition had been made to the Thrum +party by the arrival of several persons to spend the evening,--a man to +play on the violin between the singing, a youth to play on the piano, +Miss Horsman to sing with Mrs. Walker, and other scientific characters. +In a corner sat a red-faced old lady, of whom the mistress of the +mansion took little notice; and a gentleman with a royal button, who +blushed and looked exceedingly modest. + +"Hang me!" says Mr. Bludyer, who had perfectly good reasons for +recognising Mr Woolsey, and who on this day chose to assume his +aristocratic air; "there's a tailor in the room! What do they mean by +asking ME to meet tradesmen?" + +"Delancy, my dear," cries Slang, entering the room with a reel, "how's +your precious health? Give us your hand! When ARE we to be married? Make +room for me on the sofa, that's a duck!" + +"Get along, Slang," says Mrs. Crump, addressed by the manager by her +maiden name (artists generally drop the title of honour which people +adopt in the world, and call each other by their simple surnames)--"get +along, Slang, or I'll tell Mrs. S.!" The enterprising manager replies by +sportively striking Mrs. Crump on the side a blow which causes a great +giggle from the lady insulted, and a most good-humoured threat to box +Slang's ears. I fear very much that Morgiana's mother thought Mr. Slang +an exceedingly gentlemanlike and agreeable person; besides, she was +eager to have his good opinion of Mrs. Walker's singing. + +The manager stretched himself out with much gracefulness on the sofa, +supporting two little dumpy legs encased in varnished boots on a chair. + +"Ajax, some tea to Mr. Slang," said my Lady, looking towards that +gentleman with a countenance expressive of some alarm, I thought. + +"That's right, Ajax, my black prince!" exclaimed Slang when the negro +brought the required refreshment; "and now I suppose you'll be wanted in +the orchestra yonder. Don't Ajax play the cymbals, Sir George?" + +"Ha, ha, ha! very good--capital!" answered the knight, exceedingly +frightened; "but ours is not a MILITARY band. Miss Horsman, Mr. Craw, +my dear Mrs. Ravenswing, shall we begin the trio? Silence, gentlemen, if +you please; it is a little piece from my opera of the 'Brigand's Bride.' +Miss Horsman takes the Page's part, Mr. Craw is Stiletto the Brigand, my +accomplished pupil is the Bride;" and the music began. + + "THE BRIDE. + + "My heart with joy is beating, + My eyes with tears are dim; + + "THE PAGE. + + "Her heart with joy is beating + Her eyes are fixed on him; + + "THE BRIGAND. + + "My heart with rage is beating, + In blood my eye-balls swim!" + +What may have been the merits of the music or the singing, I, of course, +cannot guess. Lady Thrum sat opposite the tea-cups, nodding her head +and beating time very gravely. Lord Roundtowers, by her side, nodded his +head too, for awhile, and then fell asleep. I should have done the same +but for the manager, whose actions were worth of remark. He sang with +all the three singers, and a great deal louder than any of them; he +shouted bravo! or hissed as he thought proper; he criticised all the +points of Mrs. Walker's person. "She'll do, Crump, she'll do--a splendid +arm--you'll see her eyes in the shilling gallery! What sort of a +foot has she? She's five feet three, if she's an inch! Bravo--slap +up--capital--hurrah!" And he concluded by saying, with the aid of the +Ravenswing, he would put Ligonier's nose out of Joint! + +The enthusiasm of Mr. Slang almost reconciled Lady Thrum to the +abruptness of his manners, and even caused Sir George to forget that +his chorus had been interrupted by the obstreperous familiarity of the +manager. + +"And what do YOU think, Mr. Bludyer," said the tailor, delighted that +his protegee should be thus winning all hearts: "isn't Mrs. Walker a +tip-top singer, eh, sir?" + +"I think she's a very bad one, Mr. Woolsey," said the illustrious +author, wishing to abbreviate all communications with a tailor to whom +he owed forty pounds. + +"Then, sir," says Mr. Woolsey, fiercely, "I'll--I'll thank you to pay me +my little bill!" + +It is true there was no connection between Mrs. Walker's singing and +Woolsey's little bill; that the "THEN, sir," was perfectly illogical on +Woolsey's part; but it was a very happy hit for the future fortunes of +Mrs. Walker. Who knows what would have come of her debut but for that +"Then, sir," and whether a "smashing article" from the Tomahawk might +not have ruined her for ever? + +"Are you a relation of Mrs. Walker's?" said Mr. Bludyer, in reply to the +angry tailor. + +"What's that to you, whether I am or not?" replied Woolsey, fiercely. +"But I'm the friend of Mrs. Walker, sir; proud am I to say so, sir; and, +as the poet says, sir, 'a little learning's a dangerous thing,' sir; +and I think a man who don't pay his bills may keep his tongue quiet at +least, sir, and not abuse a lady, sir, whom everybody else praises, +sir. You shan't humbug ME any more, sir; you shall hear from my attorney +to-morrow, so mark that!" + +"Hush, my dear Mr. Woolsey," cried the literary man, "don't make a +noise; come into this window: is Mrs. Walker REALLY a friend of yours?" + +"I've told you so, sir." + +"Well, in that case, I shall do my utmost to serve her and, look you, +Woolsey, any article you choose to send about her to the Tomahawk I +promise you I'll put in." + +"WILL you, though? then we'll say nothing about the little bill." + +"You may do on that point," answered Bludyer, haughtily, "exactly as +you please. I am not to be frightened from my duty, mind that; and mind, +too, that I can write a slashing article better than any man in England: +I could crush her by ten lines." + +The tables were now turned, and it was Woolsey's turn to be alarmed. + +"Pooh! pooh! I WAS angry," said he, "because you abuse Mrs. Walker, +who's an angel on earth; but I'm very willing to apologise. I +say--come--let me take your measure for some new clothes, eh! Mr. B.?" + +"I'll come to your shop," answered the literary man, quite appeased. +"Silence! they're beginning another song." + +The songs, which I don't attempt to describe (and, upon my word and +honour, as far as I can understand matters, I believe to this day that +Mrs. Walker was only an ordinary singer)--the songs lasted a great deal +longer than I liked; but I was nailed, as it were, to the spot, having +agreed to sup at Knightsbridge barracks with Fitz-Urse, whose carriage +was ordered at eleven o'clock. + +"My dear Mr. Fitz-Boodle," said our old host to me, "you can do me the +greatest service in the world." + +"Speak, sir!" said I. + +"Will you ask your honourable and gallant friend, the Captain, to drive +home Mr. Squinny to Brompton?" + +"Can't Mr. Squinny get a cab?" + +Sir George looked particularly arch. "Generalship, my dear young +friend--a little harmless generalship. Mr. Squinny will not give much +for MY opinion of my pupil, but he will value very highly the opinion of +the Honourable Mr. FitzUrse." + +For a moral man, was not the little knight a clever fellow? He had +bought Mr. Squinny for a dinner worth ten shillings, and for a ride in +a carriage with a lord's son. Squinny was carried to Brompton, and set +down at his aunts' door, delighted with his new friends, and exceedingly +sick with a cigar they had made him smoke. + + + +CHAPTER VIII. IN WHICH MR. WALKER SHOWS GREAT PRUDENCE AND FORBEARANCE. + +The describing of all these persons does not advance Morgiana's story +much. But, perhaps, some country readers are not acquainted with the +class of persons by whose printed opinions they are guided, and are +simple enough to imagine that mere merit will make a reputation on the +stage or elsewhere. The making of a theatrical success is a much more +complicated and curious thing than such persons fancy it to be. Immense +are the pains taken to get a good word from Mr. This of the Star, or Mr. +That of the Courier, to propitiate the favour of the critic of the day, +and get the editors of the metropolis into a good humour,--above all, to +have the name of the person to be puffed perpetually before the public. +Artists cannot be advertised like Macassar oil or blacking, and they +want it to the full as much; hence endless ingenuity must be practised +in order to keep the popular attention awake. Suppose a great actor +moves from London to Windsor, the Brentford Champion must state that +"Yesterday Mr. Blazes and suite passed rapidly through our city; the +celebrated comedian is engaged, we hear, at Windsor, to give some of his +inimitable readings of our great national bard to the MOST ILLUSTRIOUS +AUDIENCE in the realm." This piece of intelligence the Hammersmith +Observer will question the next week, as thus:--"A contemporary, the +Brentford Champion, says that Blazes is engaged to give Shakspearian +readings at Windsor to "the most illustrious audience in the realm." We +question this fact very much. We would, indeed, that it were true; but +the MOST ILLUSTRIOUS AUDIENCE in the realm prefer FOREIGN melodies to +THE NATIVE WOOD-NOTES WILD of the sweet song-bird of Avon. Mr. Blazes +is simply gone to Eton, where his son, Master Massinger Blazes, is +suffering, we regret to hear, under a severe attack of the chicken-pox. +This complaint (incident to youth) has raged, we understand, with +frightful virulence in Eton School." + +And if, after the above paragraphs, some London paper chooses to attack +the folly of the provincial press, which talks of Mr. Blazes, and +chronicles his movements, as if he were a crowned head, what harm is +done? Blazes can write in his own name to the London journal, and say +that it is not HIS fault if provincial journals choose to chronicle +his movements, and that he was far from wishing that the afflictions of +those who are dear to him should form the subject of public comment, +and be held up to public ridicule. "We had no intention of hurting the +feelings of an estimable public servant," writes the editor; "and our +remarks on the chicken-pox were general, not personal. We sincerely +trust that Master Massinger Blazes has recovered from that complaint, +and that he may pass through the measles, the whooping-cough, the fourth +form, and all other diseases to which youth is subject, with comfort to +himself, and credit to his parents and teachers." At his next appearance +on the stage after this controversy, a British public calls for Blazes +three times after the play; and somehow there is sure to be someone with +a laurel-wreath in a stage-box, who flings that chaplet at the inspired +artist's feet. + +I don't know how it was, but before the debut of Morgiana, the English +press began to heave and throb in a convulsive manner, as if indicative +of the near birth of some great thing. For instance, you read in one +paper,-- + +"Anecdote of Karl Maria Von Weber.--When the author of 'Oberon' was in +England, he was invited by a noble duke to dinner, and some of the most +celebrated of our artists were assembled to meet him. The signal being +given to descend to the salle-a-manger, the German composer was invited +by his noble host (a bachelor) to lead the way. 'Is it not the fashion +in your country,' said he, simply, 'for the man of the first eminence to +take the first place? Here is one whose genius entitles him to be first +ANYWHERE.' And, so saying, he pointed to our admirable English composer, +Sir George Thrum. The two musicians were friends to the last, and Sir +George has still the identical piece of rosin which the author of the +'Freischutz' gave him."--The Moon (morning paper), June 2. + +"George III. a composer.--Sir George Thrum has in his possession the +score of an air, the words from 'Samson Agonistes,' an autograph of the +late revered monarch. We hear that that excellent composer has in store +for us not only an opera, but a pupil, with whose transcendent merits +the elite of our aristocracy are already familiar."--Ibid., June 5. + +"Music with a Vengeance.--The march to the sound of which the 49th and +75th regiments rushed up the breach of Badajoz was the celebrated air +from 'Britons Alarmed; or, The Siege of Bergen-op-Zoom,' by our famous +English composer, Sir George Thrum. Marshal Davoust said that the +French line never stood when that air was performed to the charge of the +bayonet. We hear the veteran musician has an opera now about to +appear, and have no doubt that Old England will now, as then, show its +superiority over ALL foreign opponents."--Albion. + +"We have been accused of preferring the produit of the etranger to the +talent of our own native shores; but those who speak so, little know +us. We are fanatici per la musica wherever it be, and welcome merit dans +chaque pays du monde. What do we say? Le merite n'a point de pays, as +Napoleon said; and Sir George Thrum (Chevalier de l'Ordre de l'Elephant +et Chateau de Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel,) is a maestro whose fame +appartient a l'Europe. + +"We have just heard the lovely eleve, whose rare qualities the Cavaliere +has brought to perfection,--we have heard THE RAVENSWING (pourquoi +cacher un nom que demain un monde va saluer?), and a creature more +beautiful and gifted never bloomed before dans nos climats. She sang +the delicious duet of the 'Nabucodonosore,' with Count Pizzicato, with +a bellezza, a grandezza, a raggio, that excited in the bosom of the +audience a corresponding furore: her scherzando was exquisite, though we +confess we thought the concluding fioritura in the passage in Y flat a +leetle, a very leetle sforzata. Surely the words, + + 'Giorno d'orrore, + Delire, dolore, + Nabucodonosore,' + +should be given andante, and not con strepito: but this is a faute bien +legere in the midst of such unrivalled excellence, and only mentioned +here that we may have SOMETHING to criticise. + +"We hear that the enterprising impresario of one of the royal theatres +has made an engagement with the Diva; and, if we have a regret, it is +that she should be compelled to sing in the unfortunate language of our +rude northern clime, which does not preter itself near so well to the +bocca of the cantatrice as do the mellifluous accents of the Lingua +Toscana, the langue par excellence of song. + +"The Ravenswing's voice is a magnificent contra-basso of nine octaves," +etc.--Flowers of Fashion, June 10. + +"Old Thrum, the composer, is bringing out an opera and a pupil. The +opera is good, the pupil first-rate. The opera will do much more than +compete with the infernal twaddle and disgusting slip-slop of Donizetti, +and the milk-and-water fools who imitate him: it will (and we ask the +readers of the Tomahawk, were we EVER mistaken?) surpass all these; it +is GOOD, of downright English stuff. The airs are fresh and pleasing, +the choruses large and noble, the instrumentation solid and rich, the +music is carefully written. We wish old Thrum and his opera well. + +"His pupil is a SURE CARD, a splendid woman, and a splendid singer. She +is so handsome that she might sing as much out of tune as Miss Ligonier, +and the public would forgive her; and sings so well, that were she as +ugly as the aforesaid Ligonier, the audience would listen to her. The +Ravenswing, that is her fantastical theatrical name (her real name is +the same with that of a notorious scoundrel in the Fleet, who invented +the Panama swindle, the Pontine Marshes' swindle, the Soap swindle--HOW +ARE YOU OFF FOR SOAP NOW, Mr. W-lk-r?)--the Ravenswing, we say, will do. +Slang has engaged her at thirty guineas per week, and she appears next +month in Thrum's opera, of which the words are written by a great ass +with some talent--we mean Mr. Mulligan. + +"There is a foreign fool in the Flowers of Fashion who is doing his best +to disgust the public by his filthy flattery. It is enough to make +one sick. Why is the foreign beast not kicked out of the paper?"--The +Tomahawk, June 17. + +The first three "anecdotes" were supplied by Mulligan to his paper, +with many others which need not here be repeated: he kept them up +with amazing energy and variety. Anecdotes of Sir George Thrum met you +unexpectedly in queer corners of country papers: puffs of the English +school of music appeared perpetually in "Notices to Correspondents" in +the Sunday prints, some of which Mr. Slang commanded, and in others over +which the indefatigable Mulligan had a control. This youth was the soul +of the little conspiracy for raising Morgiana into fame: and humble as +he is, and great and respectable as is Sir George Thrum, it is my belief +that the Ravenswing would never have been the Ravenswing she is but for +the ingenuity and energy of the honest Hibernian reporter. + +It is only the business of the great man who writes the leading articles +which appear in the large type of the daily papers to compose those +astonishing pieces of eloquence; the other parts of the paper are +left to the ingenuity of the sub-editor, whose duty it is to select +paragraphs, reject or receive horrid accidents, police reports, +etc.; with which, occupied as he is in the exercise of his tremendous +functions, the editor himself cannot be expected to meddle. The fate +of Europe is his province; the rise and fall of empires, and the great +questions of State demand the editor's attention: the humble puff, +the paragraph about the last murder, or the state of the crops, or the +sewers in Chancery Lane, is confided to the care of the sub; and it +is curious to see what a prodigious number of Irishmen exist among the +sub-editors of London. When the Liberator enumerates the services of his +countrymen, how the battle of Fontenoy was won by the Irish Brigade, how +the battle of Waterloo would have been lost but for the Irish regiments, +and enumerates other acts for which we are indebted to Milesian heroism +and genius--he ought at least to mention the Irish brigade of the press, +and the amazing services they do to this country. + +The truth is, the Irish reporters and soldiers appear to do their duty +right well; and my friend Mr. Mulligan is one of the former. Having the +interests of his opera and the Ravenswing strongly at heart, and being +amongst his brethren an exceedingly popular fellow, he managed matters +so that never a day passed but some paragraph appeared somewhere +regarding the new singer, in whom, for their countryman's sake, all his +brothers and sub-editors felt an interest. + +These puffs, destined to make known to all the world the merits of +the Ravenswing, of course had an effect upon a gentleman very closely +connected with that lady, the respectable prisoner in the Fleet, Captain +Walker. As long as he received his weekly two guineas from Mr. Woolsey, +and the occasional half-crowns which his wife could spare in her almost +daily visits to him, he had never troubled himself to inquire what her +pursuits were, and had allowed her (though the worthy woman longed with +all her might to betray herself) to keep her secret. He was far from +thinking, indeed, that his wife would prove such a treasure to him. + +But when the voice of fame and the columns of the public journals +brought him each day some new story regarding the merits, genius, and +beauty of the Ravenswing; when rumours reached him that she was the +favourite pupil of Sir George Thrum; when she brought him five guineas +after singing at the "Philharmonic" (other five the good soul had spent +in purchasing some smart new cockades, hats, cloaks, and laces, for her +little son); when, finally, it was said that Slang, the great manager, +offered her an engagement at thirty guineas per week, Mr. Walker became +exceedingly interested in his wife's proceedings, of which he demanded +from her the fullest explanation. + +Using his marital authority, he absolutely forbade Mrs. Walker's +appearance on the public stage; he wrote to Sir George Thrum a letter +expressive of his highest indignation that negotiations so important +should ever have been commenced without his authorisation; and he wrote +to his dear Slang (for these gentlemen were very intimate, and in the +course of his transactions as an agent Mr. W. had had many dealings +with Mr. S.) asking his dear Slang whether the latter thought his friend +Walker would be so green as to allow his wife to appear on the stage, +and he remain in prison with all his debts on his head? + +And it was a curious thing now to behold how eager those very creditors +who but yesterday (and with perfect correctness) had denounced Mr. +Walker as a swindler; who had refused to come to any composition with +him, and had sworn never to release him; how they on a sudden became +quite eager to come to an arrangement with him, and offered, nay, begged +and prayed him to go free,--only giving them his own and Mrs. Walker's +acknowledgment of their debt, with a promise that a part of the lady's +salary should be devoted to the payment of the claim. + +"The lady's salary!" said Mr. Walker, indignantly, to these gentlemen +and their attorneys. "Do you suppose I will allow Mrs. Walker to go on +the stage?--do you suppose I am such a fool as to sign bills to the full +amount of these claims against me, when in a few months more I can walk +out of prison without paying a shilling? Gentlemen, you take Howard +Walker for an idiot. I like the Fleet, and rather than pay I'll stay +here for these ten years." + +In other words, it was the Captain's determination to make some +advantageous bargain for himself with his creditors and the gentlemen +who were interested in bringing forward Mrs. Walker on the stage. And +who can say that in so determining he did not act with laudable prudence +and justice? + +"You do not, surely, consider, my very dear sir, that half the amount of +Mrs. Walker's salaries is too much for my immense trouble and pains in +teaching her?" cried Sir George Thrum (who, in reply to Walker's note, +thought it most prudent to wait personally on that gentleman). "Remember +that I am the first master in England; that I have the best interest in +England; that I can bring her out at the Palace, and at every concert +and musical festival in England; that I am obliged to teach her every +single note that she utters; and that without me she could no more sing +a song than her little baby could walk without its nurse." + +"I believe about half what you say," said Mr. Walker. + +"My dear Captain Walker! would you question my integrity? Who was it +that made Mrs. Millington's fortune,--the celebrated Mrs. Millington, +who has now got a hundred thousand pounds? Who was it that brought out +the finest tenor in Europe, Poppleton? Ask the musical world, ask +those great artists themselves, and they will tell you they owe their +reputation, their fortune, to Sir George Thrum." + +"It is very likely," replied the Captain, coolly. "You ARE a good +master, I dare say, Sir George; but I am not going to article Mrs. +Walker to you for three years, and sign her articles in the Fleet. Mrs. +Walker shan't sing till I'm a free man, that's flat: if I stay here till +you're dead she shan't." + +"Gracious powers, sir!" exclaimed Sir George, "do you expect me to pay +your debts?" + +"Yes, old boy," answered the Captain, "and to give me something handsome +in hand, too; and that's my ultimatum: and so I wish you good morning, +for I'm engaged to play a match at tennis below." + +This little interview exceedingly frightened the worthy knight, who +went home to his lady in a delirious state of alarm occasioned by the +audacity of Captain Walker. + +Mr. Slang's interview with him was scarcely more satisfactory. He +owed, he said, four thousand pounds. His creditors might be brought to +compound for five shillings in the pound. He would not consent to allow +his wife to make a single engagement until the creditors were satisfied, +and until he had a handsome sum in hand to begin the world with. "Unless +my wife comes out, you'll be in the Gazette yourself, you know you will. +So you may take her or leave her, as you think fit." + +"Let her sing one night as a trial," said Mr. Slang. + +"If she sings one night, the creditors will want their money in full," +replied the Captain. "I shan't let her labour, poor thing, for the +profit of those scoundrels!" added the prisoner, with much feeling. And +Slang left him with a much greater respect for Walker than he had ever +before possessed. He was struck with the gallantry of the man who could +triumph over misfortunes, nay, make misfortune itself an engine of good +luck. + +Mrs. Walker was instructed instantly to have a severe sore throat. The +journals in Mr. Slang's interest deplored this illness pathetically; +while the papers in the interest of the opposition theatre magnified it +with great malice. "The new singer," said one, "the great wonder which +Slang promised us, is as hoarse as a RAVEN!" "Doctor Thorax pronounces," +wrote another paper, "that the quinsy, which has suddenly prostrated +Mrs. Ravenswing, whose singing at the Philharmonic, previous to her +appearance at the 'T.R----,' excited so much applause, has destroyed the +lady's voice for ever. We luckily need no other prima donna, when that +place, as nightly thousands acknowledge, is held by Miss Ligonier." The +Looker-on said, "That although some well-informed contemporaries had +declared Mrs. W. Ravenswing's complaint to be a quinsy, others, on +whose authority they could equally rely, had pronounced it to be a +consumption. At all events, she was in an exceedingly dangerous state; +from which, though we do not expect, we heartily trust she may recover. +Opinions differ as to the merits of this lady, some saying that she was +altogether inferior to Miss Ligonier, while other connoisseurs declare +the latter lady to be by no means so accomplished a person. This point, +we fear," continued the Looker-on, "can never now be settled; unless, +which we fear is improbable, Mrs. Ravenswing should ever so far recover +as to be able to make her debut; and even then, the new singer will +not have a fair chance unless her voice and strength shall be fully +restored. This information, which we have from exclusive resources, may +be relied on," concluded the Looker-on, "as authentic." + +It was Mr. Walker himself, that artful and audacious Fleet prisoner, who +concocted those very paragraphs against his wife's health which appeared +in the journals of the Ligonier party. The partisans of that lady were +delighted, the creditors of Mr. Walker astounded, at reading them. +Even Sir George Thrum was taken in, and came to the Fleet prison in +considerable alarm. + +"Mum's the word, my good sir!" said Mr. Walker. "Now is the time to make +arrangements with the creditors." + +Well, these arrangements were finally made. It does not matter how many +shillings in the pound satisfied the rapacious creditors of Morgiana's +husband. But it is certain that her voice returned to her all of a +sudden upon the Captain's release. The papers of the Mulligan faction +again trumpeted her perfections; the agreement with Mr. Slang was +concluded; that with Sir George Thrum the great composer satisfactorily +arranged; and the new opera underlined in immense capitals in the +bills, and put in rehearsal with immense expenditure on the part of the +scene-painter and costumier. + +Need we tell with what triumphant success the "Brigand's Bride" was +received? All the Irish sub-editors the next morning took care to have +such an account of it as made Miss Ligonier and Baroski die with envy. +All the reporters who could spare time were in the boxes to support +their friend's work. All the journeymen tailors of the establishment of +Linsey, Woolsey, and Co. had pit tickets given to them, and applauded +with all their might. All Mr. Walker's friends of the "Regent Club" +lined the side-boxes with white kid gloves; and in a little box by +themselves sat Mrs. Crump and Mr. Woolsey, a great deal too much +agitated to applaud--so agitated, that Woolsey even forgot to fling down +the bouquet he had brought for the Ravenswing. + +But there was no lack of those horticultural ornaments. The theatre +servants wheeled away a wheelbarrow-full (which were flung on the stage +the next night over again); and Morgiana, blushing, panting, weeping, +was led off by Mr. Poppleton, the eminent tenor, who had crowned her +with one of the most conspicuous of the chaplets. + +Here she flew to her husband, and flung her arms round his neck. He was +flirting behind the side-scenes with Mademoiselle Flicflac, who had +been dancing in the divertissement; and was probably the only man in +the theatre of those who witnessed the embrace that did not care for it. +Even Slang was affected, and said with perfect sincerity that he wished +he had been in Walker's place. The manager's fortune was made, at least +for the season. He acknowledged so much to Walker, who took a week's +salary for his wife in advance that very night. + +There was, as usual, a grand supper in the green-room. The terrible Mr. +Bludyer appeared in a new coat of the well-known Woolsey cut, and the +little tailor himself and Mrs. Crump were not the least happy of the +party. But when the Ravenswing took Woolsey's hand, and said she never +would have been there but for him, Mr. Walker looked very grave, +and hinted to her that she must not, in her position, encourage the +attentions of persons in that rank of life. "I shall pay," said he, +proudly, "every farthing that is owing to Mr. Woolsey, and shall employ +him for the future. But you understand, my love, that one cannot at +one's own table receive one's own tailor." + +Slang proposed Morgiana's health in a tremendous speech, which elicited +cheers, and laughter, and sobs, such as only managers have the art of +drawing from the theatrical gentlemen and ladies in their employ. It +was observed, especially among the chorus-singers at the bottom of the +table, that their emotion was intense. They had a meeting the next day +and voted a piece of plate to Adolphus Slang, Esquire, for his eminent +services in the cause of the drama. + +Walker returned thanks for his lady. That was, he said, the proudest +moment of his life. He was proud to think that he had educated her for +the stage, happy to think that his sufferings had not been in vain, and +that his exertions in her behalf were crowned with full success. In her +name and his own he thanked the company, and sat down, and was once more +particularly attentive to Mademoiselle Flicflac. + +Then came an oration from Sir George Thrum, in reply to Slang's toast +to HIM. It was very much to the same effect as the speech by Walker, +the two gentlemen attributing to themselves individually the merit of +bringing out Mrs. Walker. He concluded by stating that he should always +hold Mrs. Walker as the daughter of his heart, and to the last moment of +his life should love and cherish her. It is certain that Sir George was +exceedingly elated that night, and would have been scolded by his lady +on his return home, but for the triumph of the evening. + +Mulligan's speech of thanks, as author of the "Brigand's Bride," was, it +must be confessed, extremely tedious. It seemed there would be no end +to it; when he got upon the subject of Ireland especially, which somehow +was found to be intimately connected with the interests of music and the +theatre. Even the choristers pooh-poohed this speech, coming though it +did from the successful author, whose songs of wine, love, and battle, +they had been repeating that night. + +The "Brigand's Bride" ran for many nights. Its choruses were tuned on +the organs of the day. Morgiana's airs, "The Rose upon my Balcony" +and the "Lightning on the Cataract" (recitative and scena) were on +everybody's lips, and brought so many guineas to Sir George Thrum that +he was encouraged to have his portrait engraved, which still may be +seen in the music-shops. Not many persons, I believe, bought proof +impressions of the plate, price two guineas; whereas, on the contrary, +all the young clerks in banks, and all the FAST young men of the +universities, had pictures of the Ravenswing in their apartments--as +Biondetta (the brigand's bride), as Zelyma (in the "Nuptials of +Benares"), as Barbareska (in the "Mine of Tobolsk"), and in all her +famous characters. In the latter she disguises herself as a Uhlan, in +order to save her father, who is in prison; and the Ravenswing looked so +fascinating in this costume in pantaloons and yellow boots, that Slang +was for having her instantly in Captain Macheath, whence arose their +quarrel. + +She was replaced at Slang's theatre by Snooks, the rhinoceros-tamer, +with his breed of wild buffaloes. Their success was immense. Slang gave +a supper, at which all the company burst into tears; and assembling +in the green-room next day, they, as usual, voted a piece of plate to +Adolphus Slang, Esquire, for his eminent services to the drama. + +In the Captain Macheath dispute Mr. Walker would have had his wife +yield; but on this point, and for once, she disobeyed her husband and +left the theatre. And when Walker cursed her (according to his wont) for +her abominable selfishness and disregard of his property, she burst +into tears and said she had spent but twenty guineas on herself and baby +during the year, that her theatrical dressmaker's bills were yet unpaid, +and that she had never asked him how much he spent on that odious French +figurante. + +All this was true, except about the French figurante. Walker, as the +lord and master, received all Morgiana's earnings, and spent them as +a gentleman should. He gave very neat dinners at a cottage in Regent's +Park (Mr. and Mrs. Walker lived at Green Street, Grosvenor Square), he +played a good deal at the "Regent;" but as to the French figurante, it +must be confessed, that Mrs. Walker was in a sad error: THAT lady and +the Captain had parted long ago; it was Madame Dolores de Tras-os-Montes +who inhabited the cottage in St. John's Wood now. + +But if some little errors of this kind might be attributable to the +Captain, on the other hand, when his wife was in the provinces, he was +the most attentive of husbands; made all her bargains, and received +every shilling before he would permit her to sing a note. Thus he +prevented her from being cheated, as a person of her easy temper +doubtless would have been, by designing managers and needy +concert-givers. They always travelled with four horses; and Walker was +adored in every one of the principal hotels in England. The waiters flew +at his bell. The chambermaids were afraid he was a sad naughty man, and +thought his wife no such great beauty; the landlords preferred him to +any duke. HE never looked at their bills, not he! In fact his income was +at least four thousand a year for some years of his life. + +Master Woolsey Walker was put to Doctor Wapshot's seminary, whence, +after many disputes on the Doctor's part as to getting his half-year's +accounts paid, and after much complaint of ill-treatment on the little +boy's side, he was withdrawn, and placed under the care of the Reverend +Mr. Swishtail, at Turnham Green; where all his bills are paid by his +godfather, now the head of the firm of Woolsey and Co. + +As a gentleman, Mr. Walker still declines to see him; but he has not, +as far as I have heard, paid the sums of money which he threatened to +refund; and, as he is seldom at home the worthy tailor can come to Green +Street at his leisure. He and Mrs. Crump, and Mrs. Walker often take the +omnibus to Brentford, and a cake with them to little Woolsey at school; +to whom the tailor says he will leave every shilling of his property. + +The Walkers have no other children; but when she takes her airing in the +Park she always turns away at the sight of a low phaeton, in which sits +a woman with rouged cheeks, and a great number of overdressed children +and a French bonne, whose name, I am given to understand, is Madame +Dolores de Tras-os-Montes. Madame de Tras-os-Montes always puts a great +gold glass to her eye as the Ravenswing's carriage passes, and looks +into it with a sneer. The two coachmen used always to exchange queer +winks at each other in the ring, until Madame de Tras-os-Montes lately +adopted a tremendous chasseur, with huge whiskers and a green and gold +livery; since which time the formerly named gentlemen do not recognise +each other. + +The Ravenswing's life is one of perpetual triumph on the stage; and, as +every one of the fashionable men about town have been in love with her, +you may fancy what a pretty character she has. Lady Thrum would die +sooner than speak to that unhappy young woman; and, in fact, the Thrums +have a new pupil, who is a siren without the dangerous qualities of one, +who has the person of Venus, and the mind of a Muse, and who is coming +out at one of the theatres immediately. Baroski says, "De liddle +Rafenschwing is just as font of me as effer!" People are very shy about +receiving her in society; and when she goes to sing at a concert, Miss +Prim starts up and skurries off in a state of the greatest alarm, lest +"that person" should speak to her. + +Walker is voted a good, easy, rattling, gentlemanly fellow, and nobody's +enemy but his own. His wife, they say, is dreadfully extravagant: and, +indeed, since his marriage, and in spite of his wife's large income, +he has been in the Bench several times; but she signs some bills and +he comes out again, and is as gay and genial as ever. All mercantile +speculations he has wisely long since given up; he likes to throw a +main of an evening, as I have said, and to take his couple of bottles at +dinner. On Friday he attends at the theatre for his wife's salary, and +transacts no other business during the week. He grows exceedingly stout, +dyes his hair, and has a bloated purple look about the nose and cheeks, +very different from that which first charmed the heart of Morgiana. + +By the way, Eglantine has been turned out of the Bower of Bloom, and now +keeps a shop at Tunbridge Wells. Going down thither last year without a +razor, I asked a fat seedy man lolling in a faded nankeen jacket at the +door of a tawdry little shop in the Pantiles, to shave me. He said in +reply, "Sir, I do not practise in that branch of the profession!" and +turned back into the little shop. It was Archibald Eglantine. But in the +wreck of his fortunes he still has his captain's uniform, and his grand +cross of the order of the Castle and Falcon of Panama. + + ***** + +POSTSCRIPT. + +G. Fitz-Boodle, Esq., to O. Yorke, Esq. + +ZUM TRIERISCHEN HOP, COBLENZ: July 10, 1843. + +MY DEAR YORKE,--The story of the Ravenswing was written a long time +since, and I never could account for the bad taste of the publishers of +the metropolis who refused it an insertion in their various magazines. +This fact would never have been alluded to but for the following +circumstance:-- + +Only yesterday, as I was dining at this excellent hotel, I remarked a +bald-headed gentleman in a blue coat and brass buttons, who looked +like a colonel on half-pay, and by his side a lady and a little boy +of twelve, whom the gentleman was cramming with an amazing quantity of +cherries and cakes. A stout old dame in a wonderful cap and ribands was +seated by the lady's side, and it was easy to see they were English, and +I thought I had already made their acquaintance elsewhere. + +The younger of the ladies at last made a bow with an accompanying blush. + +"Surely," said I, "I have the honour of speaking to Mrs. Ravenswing?" + +"Mrs. Woolsey, sir," said the gentleman; "my wife has long since left +the stage:" and at this the old lady in the wonderful cap trod on my +toes very severely, and nodded her head and all her ribands in a most +mysterious way. Presently the two ladies rose and left the table, the +elder declaring that she heard the baby crying. + +"Woolsey, my dear, go with your mamma," said Mr. Woolsey, patting the +boy on the head. The young gentleman obeyed the command, carrying off a +plate of macaroons with him. + +"Your son is a fine boy, sir," said I. + +"My step-son, sir," answered Mr. Woolsey; and added, in a louder voice, +"I knew you, Mr. Fitz-Boodle, at once, but did not mention your name +for fear of agitating my wife. She don't like to have the memory of old +times renewed, sir; her former husband, whom you know, Captain Walker, +made her very unhappy. He died in America, sir, of this, I fear" +(pointing to the bottle), "and Mrs. W. quitted the stage a year before I +quitted business. Are you going on to Wiesbaden?" + +They went off in their carriage that evening, the boy on the box making +great efforts to blow out of the postilion's tasselled horn. + +I am glad that poor Morgiana is happy at last, and hasten to inform +you of the fact. I am going to visit the old haunts of my youth at +Pumpernickel. Adieu. + +Yours, + +G. F.-B. + + + + +MR. AND MRS. FRANK BERRY. + + + +CHAPTER I. THE FIGHT AT SLAUGHTER HOUSE. + +I am very fond of reading about battles, and have most of Marlborough's +and Wellington's at my fingers' ends; but the most tremendous combat I +ever saw, and one that interests me to think of more than Malplaquet or +Waterloo (which, by the way, has grown to be a downright nuisance, so +much do men talk of it after dinner, prating most disgustingly about +"the Prussians coming up," and what not)--I say the most tremendous +combat ever known was that between Berry and Biggs the gown-boy, which +commenced in a certain place called Middle Briars, situated in the midst +of the cloisters that run along the side of the playground of Slaughter +House School, near Smithfield, London. It was there, madam, that your +humble servant had the honour of acquiring, after six years' labour, +that immense fund of classical knowledge which in after life has been so +exceedingly useful to him. + +The circumstances of the quarrel were these:--Biggs, the gown-boy (a +man who, in those days, I thought was at least seven feet high, and was +quite thunderstruck to find in after life that he measured no more than +five feet four), was what we called "second cock" of the school; the +first cock was a great big, good-humoured, lazy, fair-haired fellow, +Old Hawkins by name, who, because he was large and good-humoured, hurt +nobody. Biggs, on the contrary, was a sad bully; he had half-a-dozen +fags, and beat them all unmercifully. Moreover, he had a little brother, +a boarder in Potky's house, whom, as a matter of course, he hated and +maltreated worse than anyone else. + +Well, one day, because young Biggs had not brought his brother his +hoops, or had not caught a ball at cricket, or for some other equally +good reason, Biggs the elder so belaboured the poor little fellow, that +Berry, who was sauntering by, and saw the dreadful blows which the +elder brother was dealing to the younger with his hockey-stick, felt +a compassion for the little fellow (perhaps he had a jealousy against +Biggs, and wanted to try a few rounds with him, but that I can't vouch +for); however, Berry passing by, stopped and said, "Don't you think +you have thrashed the boy enough, Biggs?" He spoke this in a very civil +tone, for he never would have thought of interfering rudely with the +sacred privilege that an upper boy at a public school always has of +beating a junior, especially when they happen to be brothers. + +The reply of Biggs, as might be expected, was to hit young Biggs with +the hockey-stick twice as hard as before, until the little wretch howled +with pain. "I suppose it's no business of yours, Berry," said Biggs, +thumping away all the while, and laid on worse and worse. + +Until Berry (and, indeed, little Biggs) could bear it no longer, and the +former, bouncing forward, wrenched the stick out of old Biggs's hands, +and sent it whirling out of the cloister window, to the great wonder of +a crowd of us small boys, who were looking on. Little boys always like +to see a little companion of their own soundly beaten. + +"There!" said Berry, looking into Biggs's face, as much as to say, "I've +gone and done it;" and he added to the brother, "Scud away, you little +thief; I've saved you this time." + +"Stop, young Biggs!" roared out his brother after a pause; "or I'll +break every bone in your infernal scoundrelly skin!" + +Young Biggs looked at Berry, then at his brother, then came at his +brother's order, as if back to be beaten again; but lost heart, and ran +away as fast as his little legs could carry him. + +"I'll do for him another time," said Biggs. "Here, under-boy, take my +coat;" and we all began to gather round and formed a ring. + +"We had better wait till after school, Biggs," cried Berry, quite cool, +but looking a little pale. "There are only five minutes now, and it will +take you more than that to thrash me." + +Biggs upon this committed a great error; for he struck Berry slightly +across the face with the back of his hand, saying, "You are in a funk." +But this was a feeling which Frank Berry did not in the least entertain; +for, in reply to Biggs's back-hander, and as quick as thought, and with +all his might and main--pong! he delivered a blow upon old Biggs's nose +that made the claret spirt, and sent the second cock down to the ground +as if he had been shot. + +He was up again, however, in a minute, his face white and gashed with +blood, his eyes glaring, a ghastly spectacle; and Berry, meanwhile, +had taken his coat off, and by this time there were gathered in the +cloisters, on all the windows, and upon each other's shoulders, one +hundred and twenty young gentlemen at the very least, for the news had +gone out through the playground of "a fight between Berry and Biggs." + +But Berry was quite right in his remark about the propriety of deferring +the business, for at this minute Mr. Chip, the second master, came down +the cloisters going into school, and grinned in his queer way as he saw +the state of Biggs's face. "Holloa, Mr. Biggs," said he, "I suppose you +have run against a finger-post." That was the regular joke with us at +school, and you may be sure we all laughed heartily: as we always did +when Mr. Chip made a joke, or anything like a joke. "You had better go +to the pump, sir, and get yourself washed, and not let Doctor Buckle see +you in that condition." So saying, Mr. Chip disappeared to his duties in +the under-school, whither all we little boys followed him. + +It was Wednesday, a half-holiday, as everybody knows, and boiled-beef +day at Slaughter House. I was in the same boarding-house with Berry, +and we all looked to see whether he ate a good dinner, just as one would +examine a man who was going to be hanged. I recollected, in after-life, +in Germany, seeing a friend who was going to fight a duel eat five larks +for his breakfast, and thought I had seldom witnessed greater courage. +Berry ate moderately of the boiled beef--BOILED CHILD we used to call it +at school, in our elegant jocular way; he knew a great deal better than +to load his stomach upon the eve of such a contest as was going to take +place. + +Dinner was very soon over, and Mr. Chip, who had been all the while +joking Berry, and pressing him to eat, called him up into his study, +to the great disappointment of us all, for we thought he was going to +prevent the fight; but no such thing. The Reverend Edward Chip took +Berry into his study, and poured him out two glasses of port-wine, which +he made him take with a biscuit, and patted him on the back, and went +off. I have no doubt he was longing, like all of us, to see the battle; +but etiquette, you know, forbade. + +When we went out into the green, Old Hawkins was there--the great +Hawkins, the cock of the school. I have never seen the man since, but +still think of him as of something awful, gigantic, mysterious: he who +could thrash everybody, who could beat all the masters; how we longed +for him to put in his hand and lick Buckle! He was a dull boy, not very +high in the school, and had all his exercises written for him. Buckle +knew this, but respected him; never called him up to read Greek plays; +passed over all his blunders, which were many; let him go out of +half-holidays into the town as he pleased: how should any man dare to +stop him--the great calm magnanimous silent Strength! They say he licked +a Life-Guardsman: I wonder whether it was Shaw, who killed all those +Frenchmen? No, it could not be Shaw, for he was dead au champ d'honneur; +but he WOULD have licked Shaw if he had been alive. A bargeman I know he +licked, at Jack Randall's in Slaughter House Lane. Old Hawkins was too +lazy to play at cricket; he sauntered all day in the sunshine about the +green, accompanied by little Tippins, who was in the sixth form, laughed +and joked at Hawkins eternally, and was the person who wrote all his +exercises. + +Instead of going into town this afternoon, Hawkins remained at Slaughter +House, to see the great fight between the second and third cocks. + +The different masters of the school kept boarding-houses (such as +Potky's, Chip's, Wickens's, Pinney's, and so on), and the playground, or +"green" as it was called, although the only thing green about the place +was the broken glass on the walls that separate Slaughter House from +Wilderness Row and Goswell Street--(many a time have I seen Mr. Pickwick +look out of his window in that street, though we did not know him +then)--the playground, or green, was common to all. But if any stray +boy from Potky's was found, for instance, in, or entering into, Chip's +house, the most dreadful tortures were practised upon him: as I can +answer in my own case. + +Fancy, then, our astonishment at seeing a little three-foot wretch, of +the name of Wills, one of Hawkins's fags (they were both in Potky's), +walk undismayed amongst us lions at Chip's house, as the "rich and rare" +young lady did in Ireland. We were going to set upon him and devour or +otherwise maltreat him, when he cried out in a little shrill impertinent +voice, "TELL BERRY I WANT HIM!" + +We all roared with laughter. Berry was in the sixth form, and Wills or +any under-boy would as soon have thought of "wanting" him, as I should +of wanting the Duke of Wellington. + +Little Wills looked round in an imperious kind of way. "Well," says he, +stamping his foot, "do you hear? TELL BERRY THAT HAWKINS WANTS HIM!" + +As for resisting the law of Hawkins, you might as soon think of +resisting immortal Jove. Berry and Tolmash, who was to be his +bottle-holder, made their appearance immediately, and walked out into +the green where Hawkins was waiting, and, with an irresistible audacity +that only belonged to himself, in the face of nature and all the +regulations of the place, was smoking a cigar. When Berry and Tolmash +found him, the three began slowly pacing up and down in the sunshine, +and we little boys watched them. + +Hawkins moved his arms and hands every now and then, and was evidently +laying down the law about boxing. We saw his fists darting out every now +and then with mysterious swiftness, hitting one, two, quick as thought, +as if in the face of an adversary; now his left hand went up, as if +guarding his own head, now his immense right fist dreadfully flapped +the air, as if punishing his imaginary opponent's miserable ribs. The +conversation lasted for some ten minutes, about which time gown-boys' +dinner was over, and we saw these youths, in their black horned-button +jackets and knee-breeches, issuing from their door in the cloisters. +There were no hoops, no cricket-bats, as usual on a half-holiday. Who +would have thought of play in expectation of such tremendous sport as +was in store for us? + +Towering among the gown-boys, of whom he was the head and the tyrant, +leaning upon Bushby's arm, and followed at a little distance by many +curious pale awe-stricken boys, dressed in his black silk stockings, +which he always sported, and with a crimson bandanna tied round his +waist, came BIGGS. His nose was swollen with the blow given before +school, but his eyes flashed fire. He was laughing and sneering with +Bushby, and evidently intended to make minced meat of Berry. + +The betting began pretty freely: the bets were against poor Berry. Five +to three were offered--in ginger-beer. I took six to four in raspberry +open tarts. The upper boys carried the thing farther still: and I know +for a fact, that Swang's book amounted to four pound three (but he +hedged a good deal), and Tittery lost seventeen shillings in a single +bet to Pitts, who took the odds. + +As Biggs and his party arrived, I heard Hawkins say to Berry, "For +heaven's sake, my boy, fib with your right, and MIND HIS LEFT HAND!" + +Middle Briars was voted to be too confined a space for the combat, and +it was agreed that it should take place behind the under-school in +the shade, whither we all went. Hawkins, with his immense silver +hunting-watch, kept the time; and water was brought from the pump close +to Notley's the pastrycook's, who did not admire fisticuffs at all on +half-holidays, for the fights kept the boys away from his shop. Gutley +was the only fellow in the school who remained faithful to him, and +he sat on the counter--the great gormandising brute!--eating tarts the +whole day. + +This famous fight, as every Slaughter House man knows, lasted for two +hours and twenty-nine minutes, by Hawkins's immense watch. All this time +the air resounded with cries of "Go it, Berry!" "Go it, Biggs!" "Pitch +into him!" "Give it him!" and so on. Shall I describe the hundred and +two rounds of the combat?--No!--It would occupy too much space, and the +taste for such descriptions has passed away. [3] + +1st round. Both the combatants fresh, and in prime order. The weight +and inches somewhat on the gown-boy's side. Berry goes gallantly in, +and delivers a clinker on the gown-boy's jaw. Biggs makes play with his +left. Berry down. + + ***** + +4th round. Claret drawn in profusion from the gown-boy's grogshop. (He +went down, and had his front tooth knocked out, but the blow cut Berry's +knuckles a great deal.) + + ***** + +15th round. Chancery. Fibbing. Biggs makes dreadful work with his +left. Break away. Rally. Biggs down. Betting still six to four on the +gown-boy. + + ***** + +20th round. The men both dreadfully punished. Berry somewhat shy of his +adversary's left hand. + + ***** + +29th to 42nd round. The Chipsite all this while breaks away from the +gown-boy's left, and goes down on a knee. Six to four on the gown-boy, +until the fortieth round, when the bets became equal. + + ***** + +102nd and last round. For half-an-hour the men had stood up to each +other, but were almost too weary to strike. The gown-boy's face hardly +to be recognised, swollen and streaming with blood. The Chipsite in +a similar condition, and still more punished about his side from his +enemy's left hand. Berry gives a blow at his adversary's face, and falls +over him as he falls. + +The gown-boy can't come up to time. And thus ended the great fight of +Berry and Biggs. + +And what, pray, has this horrid description of a battle and parcel of +schoolboys to do with Men's Wives? + +What has it to do with Men's Wives?--A great deal more, madam, than you +think for. Only read Chapter II., and you shall hear. + + + +CHAPTER II. THE COMBAT AT VERSAILLES. + +I afterwards came to be Berry's fag, and, though beaten by him daily, he +allowed, of course, no one else to lay a hand upon me, and I got no more +thrashing than was good for me. Thus an intimacy grew up between us, +and after he left Slaughter House and went into the dragoons, the honest +fellow did not forget his old friend, but actually made his appearance +one day in the playground in moustaches and a braided coat, and gave +me a gold pencil-case and a couple of sovereigns. I blushed when I took +them, but take them I did; and I think the thing I almost best recollect +in my life, is the sight of Berry getting behind an immense bay +cab-horse, which was held by a correct little groom, and was waiting +near the school in Slaughter House Square. He proposed, too, to have me +to "Long's," where he was lodging for the time; but this invitation +was refused on my behalf by Doctor Buckle, who said, and possibly with +correctness, that I should get little good by spending my holiday with +such a scapegrace. + +Once afterwards he came to see me at Christ Church, and we made a show +of writing to one another, and didn't, and always had a hearty mutual +goodwill; and though we did not quite burst into tears on parting, were +yet quite happy when occasion threw us together, and so almost lost +sight of each other. I heard lately that Berry was married, and am +rather ashamed to say, that I was not so curious as even to ask the +maiden name of his lady. + +Last summer I was at Paris, and had gone over to Versailles to meet a +party, one of which was a young lady to whom I was tenderly--But, never +mind. The day was rainy, and the party did not keep its appointment; +and after yawning through the interminable Palace picture-galleries, and +then making an attempt to smoke a cigar in the Palace garden--for which +crime I was nearly run through the body by a rascally sentinel--I was +driven, perforce, into the great bleak lonely place before the Palace, +with its roads branching off to all the towns in the world, which Louis +and Napoleon once intended to conquer, and there enjoyed my favourite +pursuit at leisure, and was meditating whether I should go back to +"Vefour's" for dinner, or patronise my friend M. Duboux of the "Hotel +des Reservoirs" who gives not only a good dinner, but as dear a one as +heart can desire. I was, I say, meditating these things, when a carriage +passed by. It was a smart low calash, with a pair of bay horses and a +postilion in a drab jacket that twinkled with innumerable buttons, and +I was too much occupied in admiring the build of the machine, and +the extreme tightness of the fellow's inexpressibles, to look at the +personages within the carriage, when the gentleman roared out "Fitz!" +and the postilion pulled up, and the lady gave a shrill scream, and +a little black-muzzled spaniel began barking and yelling with all his +might, and a man with moustaches jumped out of the vehicle, and began +shaking me by the hand. + +"Drive home, John," said the gentleman: "I'll be with you, my love, in +an instant--it's an old friend. Fitz, let me present you to Mrs. Berry." + +The lady made an exceedingly gentle inclination of her black-velvet +bonnet, and said, "Pray, my love, remember that it is just dinner-time. +However, never mind ME." And with another slight toss and a nod to the +postilion, that individual's white leather breeches began to jump up +and down again in the saddle, and the carriage disappeared, leaving me +shaking my old friend Berry by the hand. + +He had long quitted the army, but still wore his military beard, +which gave to his fair pink face a fierce and lion-like look. He was +extraordinarily glad to see me, as only men are glad who live in a small +town, or in dull company. There is no destroyer of friendships like +London, where a man has no time to think of his neighbour, and has +far too many friends to care for them. He told me in a breath of his +marriage, and how happy he was, and straight insisted that I must +come home to dinner, and see more of Angelica, who had invited me +herself--didn't I hear her? + +"Mrs. Berry asked YOU, Frank; but I certainly did not hear her ask ME!" + +"She would not have mentioned the dinner but that she meant me to ask +you. I know she did," cried Frank Berry. "And, besides--hang it--I'm +master of the house. So come you shall. No ceremony, old boy--one or two +friends--snug family party--and we'll talk of old times over a bottle of +claret." + +There did not seem to me to be the slightest objection to this +arrangement, except that my boots were muddy, and my coat of the morning +sort. But as it was quite impossible to go to Paris and back again in +a quarter of an hour, and as a man may dine with perfect comfort to +himself in a frock-coat, it did not occur to me to be particularly +squeamish, or to decline an old friend's invitation upon a pretext so +trivial. + +Accordingly we walked to a small house in the Avenue de Paris, and were +admitted first into a small garden ornamented by a grotto, a fountain, +and several nymphs in plaster-of-Paris, then up a mouldy old steep stair +into a hall, where a statue of Cupid and another of Venus welcomed us +with their eternal simper; then through a salle-a-manger where covers +were laid for six; and finally to a little saloon, where Fido the dog +began to howl furiously according to his wont. + +It was one of the old pavilions that had been built for a pleasure-house +in the gay days of Versailles, ornamented with abundance of damp Cupids +and cracked gilt cornices, and old mirrors let into the walls, and +gilded once, but now painted a dingy French white. The long low windows +looked into the court, where the fountain played its ceaseless dribble, +surrounded by numerous rank creepers and weedy flowers, but in the midst +of which the statues stood with their bases quite moist and green. + +I hate fountains and statues in dark confined places: that cheerless, +endless plashing of water is the most inhospitable sound ever heard. The +stiff grin of those French statues, or ogling Canova Graces, is by no +means more happy, I think, than the smile of a skeleton, and not so +natural. Those little pavilions in which the old roues sported were +never meant to be seen by daylight, depend on't. They were lighted up +with a hundred wax-candles, and the little fountain yonder was meant +only to cool their claret. And so, my first impression of Berry's +place of abode was rather a dismal one. However, I heard him in the +salle-a-manger drawing the corks, which went off with a CLOOP, and that +consoled me. + +As for the furniture of the rooms appertaining to the Berrys, there +was a harp in a leather case, and a piano, and a flute-box, and a huge +tambour with a Saracen's nose just begun, and likewise on the table +a multiplicity of those little gilt books, half sentimental and half +religious, which the wants of the age and of our young ladies have +produced in such numbers of late. I quarrel with no lady's taste in that +way; but heigho! I had rather that Mrs. Fitz-Boodle should read "Humphry +Clinker!" + +Besides these works, there was a "Peerage," of course. What genteel +family was ever without one? + +I was making for the door to see Frank drawing the corks, and was +bounced at by the amiable little black-muzzled spaniel, who fastened his +teeth in my pantaloons, and received a polite kick in consequence, which +sent him howling to the other end of the room, and the animal was just +in the act of performing that feat of agility, when the door opened +and madame made her appearance. Frank came behind her, peering over her +shoulder with rather an anxious look. + +Mrs. Berry is an exceedingly white and lean person. She has thick +eyebrows, which meet rather dangerously over her nose, which is Grecian, +and a small mouth with no lips--a sort of feeble pucker in the face as +it were. Under her eyebrows are a pair of enormous eyes, which she is +in the habit of turning constantly ceiling-wards. Her hair is rather +scarce, and worn in bandeaux, and she commonly mounts a sprig of laurel, +or a dark flower or two, which with the sham tour--I believe that is the +name of the knob of artificial hair that many ladies sport--gives her +a rigid and classical look. She is dressed in black, and has invariably +the neatest of silk stockings and shoes: for forsooth her foot is a fine +one, and she always sits with it before her, looking at it, stamping it, +and admiring it a great deal. "Fido," she says to her spaniel, "you have +almost crushed my poor foot;" or, "Frank," to her husband, "bring me a +footstool:" or, "I suffer so from cold in the feet," and so forth; but +be the conversation what it will, she is always sure to put HER FOOT +into it. + +She invariably wears on her neck the miniature of her late father, Sir +George Catacomb, apothecary to George III.; and she thinks those two men +the greatest the world ever saw. She was born in Baker Street, Portman +Square, and that is saying almost enough of her. She is as long, as +genteel, and as dreary, as that deadly-lively place, and sports, by +way of ornament, her papa's hatchment, as it were, as every tenth Baker +Street house has taught her. + +What induced such a jolly fellow as Frank Berry to marry Miss Angelica +Catacomb no one can tell. He met her, he says, at a ball at Hampton +Court, where his regiment was quartered, and where, to this day, lives +"her aunt Lady Pash." She alludes perpetually in conversation to that +celebrated lady; and if you look in the "Baronetage" to the pedigree +of the Pash family, you may see manuscript notes by Mrs. Frank Berry, +relative to them and herself. Thus, when you see in print that Sir John +Pash married Angelica, daughter of Graves Catacomb, Esquire, in a neat +hand you find written, AND SISTER OF THE LATE SIR GEORGE CATACOMB, OF +BAKER STREET, PORTMAN SQUARE: "A.B." follows of course. It is a wonder +how fond ladies are of writing in books, and signing their charming +initials! Mrs. Berry's before-mentioned little gilt books are scored +with pencil-marks, or occasionally at the margin with a!--note of +interjection, or the words "TOO TRUE, A.B." and so on. Much may be +learned with regard to lovely woman by a look at the books she reads in; +and I had gained no inconsiderable knowledge of Mrs. Berry by the ten +minutes spent in the drawing-room, while she was at her toilet in the +adjoining bedchamber. + +"You have often heard me talk of George Fitz," says Berry, with an +appealing look to madame. + +"Very often," answered his lady, in a tone which clearly meant "a great +deal too much." "Pray, sir," continued she, looking at my boots with all +her might, "are we to have your company at dinner?" + +"Of course you are, my dear; what else do you think he came for? You +would not have the man go back to Paris to get his evening coat, would +you?" + +"At least, my love, I hope you will go and put on YOURS, and change +those muddy boots. Lady Pash will be here in five minutes, and you know +Dobus is as punctual as clockwork." Then turning to me with a sort of +apology that was as consoling as a box on the ear, "We have some friends +at dinner, sir, who are rather particular persons; but I am sure when +they hear that you only came on a sudden invitation, they will excuse +your morning dress.--Bah! what a smell of smoke!" + +With this speech madame placed herself majestically on a sofa, put out +her foot, called Fido, and relapsed into an icy silence. Frank had long +since evacuated the premises, with a rueful look at his wife, but never +daring to cast a glance at me. I saw the whole business at once: here +was this lion of a fellow tamed down by a she Van Amburgh, and fetching +and carrying at her orders a great deal more obediently than her little +yowling black-muzzled darling of a Fido. + +I am not, however, to be tamed so easily, and was determined in this +instance not to be in the least disconcerted, or to show the smallest +sign of ill-humour: so to renouer the conversation, I began about Lady +Pash. + +"I heard you mention the name of Pash, I think?" said I. "I know a lady +of that name, and a very ugly one it is too." + +"It is most probably not the same person," answered Mrs. Berry, with +a look which intimated that a fellow like me could never have had the +honour to know so exalted a person. + +"I mean old Lady Pash of Hampton Court. Fat woman--fair, ain't she?--and +wears an amethyst in her forehead, has one eye, a blond wig, and dresses +in light green?" + +"Lady Pash, sir, is MY AUNT," answered Mrs. Berry (not altogether +displeased, although she expected money from the old lady; but you know +we love to hear our friends abused when it can be safely done). + +"Oh, indeed! she was a daughter of old Catacomb's of Windsor, I +remember, the undertaker. They called her husband Callipash, and her +ladyship Pishpash. So you see, madam, that I know the whole family!" + +"Mr. Fitz-Simons!" exclaimed Mrs. Berry, rising, "I am not accustomed to +hear nicknames applied to myself and my family; and must beg you, +when you honour us with your company, to spare our feelings as much as +possible. Mr. Catacomb had the confidence of his SOVEREIGN, sir, and Sir +John Pash was of Charles II.'s creation. The one was my uncle, sir; the +other my grandfather!" + +"My dear madam, I am extremely sorry, and most sincerely apologise +for my inadvertence. But you owe me an apology too: my name is not +Fitz-Simons, but Fitz-Boodle." + +"What! of Boodle Hall--my husband's old friend; of Charles I.'s +creation? My dear sir, I beg you a thousand pardons, and am delighted +to welcome a person of whom I have heard Frank say so much. Frank!" (to +Berry, who soon entered in very glossy boots and a white waistcoat), "do +you know, darling, I mistook Mr. Fitz-Boodle for Mr. Fitz-Simons--that +horrid Irish horse-dealing person; and I never, never, never can pardon +myself for being so rude to him." + +The big eyes here assumed an expression that was intended to kill me +outright with kindness: from being calm, still, reserved, Angelica +suddenly became gay, smiling, confidential, and folatre. She told me she +had heard I was a sad creature, and that she intended to reform me, and +that I must come and see Frank a great deal. + +Now, although Mr. Fitz-Simons, for whom I was mistaken, is as low +a fellow as ever came out of Dublin, and having been a captain in +somebody's army, is now a blackleg and horse-dealer by profession; yet, +if I had brought him home to Mrs. Fitz-Boodle to dinner, I should have +liked far better that that imaginary lady should have received him with +decent civility, and not insulted the stranger within her husband's +gates. And, although it was delightful to be received so cordially +when the mistake was discovered, yet I found that ALL Berry's old +acquaintances were by no means so warmly welcomed; for another old +school-chum presently made his appearance, who was treated in a very +different manner. + +This was no other than poor Jack Butts, who is a sort of small artist +and picture-dealer by profession, and was a dayboy at Slaughter House +when we were there, and very serviceable in bringing in sausages, +pots of pickles, and other articles of merchandise, which we could not +otherwise procure. The poor fellow has been employed, seemingly, in the +same office of fetcher and carrier ever since; and occupied that post +for Mrs. Berry. It was, "Mr. Butts, have you finished that drawing for +Lady Pash's album?" and Butts produced it; and, "Did you match the silk +for me at Delille's?" and there was the silk, bought, no doubt, with the +poor fellow's last five francs; and, "Did you go to the furniture-man in +the Rue St. Jacques; and bring the canary-seed, and call about my +shawl at that odious dawdling Madame Fichet's; and have you brought the +guitar-strings?" + +Butts hadn't brought the guitar-strings; and thereupon Mrs. Berry's +countenance assumed the same terrible expression which I had formerly +remarked in it, and which made me tremble for Berry. + +"My dear Angelica," though said he with some spirit, "Jack Butts isn't +a baggage-waggon, nor a Jack-of-all-trades; you make him paint pictures +for your women's albums, and look after your upholsterer, and your +canary-bird, and your milliners, and turn rusty because he forgets your +last message." + +"I did not turn RUSTY, Frank, as you call it elegantly. I'm very much +obliged to Mr. Butts for performing my commissions--very much obliged. +And as for not paying for the pictures to which you so kindly allude, +Frank, _I_ should never have thought of offering payment for so paltry a +service; but I'm sure I shall be happy to pay if Mr. Butts will send me +in his bill." + +"By Jove, Angelica, this is too much!" bounced out Berry; but the little +matrimonial squabble was abruptly ended, by Berry's French man flinging +open the door and announcing MILADI PASH and Doctor Dobus, which two +personages made their appearance. + +The person of old Pash has been already parenthetically described. But +quite different from her dismal niece in temperament, she is as jolly an +old widow as ever wore weeds. She was attached somehow to the Court, and +has a multiplicity of stories about the princesses and the old King, +to which Mrs. Berry never fails to call your attention in her grave, +important way. Lady Pash has ridden many a time to the Windsor hounds; +she made her husband become a member of the Four-in-hand Club, and has +numberless stories about Sir Godfrey Webster, Sir John Lade, and the +old heroes of those times. She has lent a rouleau to Dick Sheridan, +and remembers Lord Byron when he was a sulky slim young lad. She says +Charles Fox was the pleasantest fellow she ever met with, and has not +the slightest objection to inform you that one of the princes was very +much in love with her. Yet somehow she is only fifty-two years old, and +I have never been able to understand her calculation. One day or other +before her eye went out, and before those pearly teeth of hers were +stuck to her gums by gold, she must have been a pretty-looking body +enough. Yet, in spite of the latter inconvenience, she eats and +drinks too much every day, and tosses off a glass of maraschino with a +trembling pudgy hand, every finger of which twinkles with a dozen, at +least, of old rings. She has a story about every one of those rings, and +a stupid one too. But there is always something pleasant, I think, in +stupid family stories: they are good-hearted people who tell them. + +As for Mrs. Muchit, nothing need be said of her; she is Pash's +companion; she has lived with Lady Pash since the peace. Nor does my +Lady take any more notice of her than of the dust of the earth. She +calls her "poor Muchit," and considers her a half-witted creature. Mrs. +Berry hates her cordially, and thinks she is a designing toad-eater, +who has formed a conspiracy to rob her of her aunt's fortune. She never +spoke a word to poor Muchit during the whole of dinner, or offered to +help her to anything on the table. + +In respect to Dobus, he is an old Peninsular man, as you are made to +know before you have been very long in his company; and, like most army +surgeons, is a great deal more military in his looks and conversation, +than the combatant part of the forces. He has adopted the +sham-Duke-of-Wellington air, which is by no means uncommon in veterans; +and, though one of the easiest and softest fellows in existence, speaks +slowly and briefly, and raps out an oath or two occasionally, as it is +said a certain great captain does. Besides the above, we sat down to +table with Captain Goff, late of the ---- Highlanders; the Reverend +Lemuel Whey, who preaches at St. Germains; little Cutler, and the +Frenchman, who always WILL be at English parties on the Continent, and +who, after making some frightful efforts to speak English, subsides and +is heard no more. Young married ladies and heads of families generally +have him for the purpose of waltzing, and in return he informs his +friends of the club or the cafe that he has made the conquest of a +charmante Anglaise. Listen to me, all family men who read this! and +never LET AN UNMARRIED FRENCHMAN INTO YOUR DOORS. This lecture alone is +worth the price of the book. It is not that they do any harm in one case +out of a thousand, Heaven forbid! but they mean harm. They look on our +Susannas with unholy dishonest eyes. Hearken to two of the grinning +rogues chattering together as they clink over the asphalte of +the Boulevard with lacquered boots, and plastered hair, and waxed +moustaches, and turned-down shirt-collars, and stays and goggling eyes, +and hear how they talk of a good simple giddy vain dull Baker +Street creature, and canvass her points, and show her letters, and +insinuate--never mind, but I tell you my soul grows angry when I think +of the same; and I can't hear of an Englishwoman marrying a Frenchman +without feeling a sort of shame and pity for her. [4] + +To return to the guests. The Reverend Lemuel Whey is a tea-party man, +with a curl on his forehead and a scented pocket-handkerchief. He ties +his white neckcloth to a wonder, and I believe sleeps in it. He brings +his flute with him; and prefers Handel, of course; but has one or two +pet profane songs of the sentimental kind, and will occasionally lift +up his little pipe in a glee. He does not dance, but the honest fellow +would give the world to do it; and he leaves his clogs in the passage, +though it is a wonder he wears them, for in the muddiest weather he +never has a speck on his foot. He was at St. John's College, Cambridge, +and was rather gay for a term or two, he says. He is, in a word, full of +the milk-and-water of human kindness, and his family lives near Hackney. + +As for Goff, he has a huge shining bald forehead, and immense bristling +Indian-red whiskers. He wears white wash-leather gloves, drinks fairly, +likes a rubber, and has a story for after dinner, beginning, "Doctor, ye +racklackt Sandy M'Lellan, who joined us in the West Indies. Wal, sir," +etc. These and little Cutler made up the party. + +Now it may not have struck all readers, but any sharp fellow conversant +with writing must have found out long ago, that if there had been +something exceedingly interesting to narrate with regard to this dinner +at Frank Berry's, I should have come out with it a couple of pages +since, nor have kept the public looking for so long a time at the +dish-covers and ornaments of the table. + +But the simple fact must now be told, that there was nothing of the +slightest importance occurred at this repast, except that it gave me an +opportunity of studying Mrs. Berry in many different ways; and, in spite +of the extreme complaisance which she now showed me, of forming, I am +sorry to say, a most unfavourable opinion of that fair lady. Truth to +tell, I would much rather she should have been civil to Mrs. Muchit, +than outrageously complimentary to your humble servant; and as she +professed not to know what on earth there was for dinner, would it not +have been much more natural for her not to frown, and bob, and wink, +and point, and pinch her lips as often as Monsieur Anatole, her French +domestic, not knowing the ways of English dinner-tables, placed anything +out of its due order? The allusions to Boodle Hall were innumerable, +and I don't know any greater bore than to be obliged to talk of a place +which belongs to one's elder brother. Many questions were likewise asked +about the dowager and her Scotch relatives, the Plumduffs, about whom +Lady Pash knew a great deal, having seen them at Court and at Lord +Melville's. Of course she had seen them at Court and at Lord Melville's, +as she might have seen thousands of Scotchmen besides; but what mattered +it to me, who care not a jot for old Lady Fitz-Boodle? "When you write, +you'll say you met an old friend of her Ladyship's," says Mrs. Berry, +and I faithfully promised I would when I wrote; but if the New Post +Office paid us for writing letters (as very possibly it will soon), I +could not be bribed to send a line to old Lady Fitz. + +In a word, I found that Berry, like many simple fellows before him, had +made choice of an imperious, ill-humoured, and underbred female for a +wife, and could see with half an eye that he was a great deal too much +her slave. + +The struggle was not over yet, however. Witness that little encounter +before dinner; and once or twice the honest fellow replied rather +smartly during the repast, taking especial care to atone as much +as possible for his wife's inattention to Jack and Mrs. Muchit, by +particular attention to those personages, whom he helped to everything +round about and pressed perpetually to champagne; he drank but little +himself, for his amiable wife's eye was constantly fixed on him. + +Just at the conclusion of the dessert, madame, who had bouded Berry +during dinner-time, became particularly gracious to her lord and master, +and tenderly asked me if I did not think the French custom was a good +one, of men leaving table with the ladies. + +"Upon my word, ma'am," says I, "I think it's a most abominable +practice." + +"And so do I," says Cutler. + +"A most abominable practice! Do you hear THAT?" cries Berry, laughing, +and filling his glass. + +"I'm sure, Frank, when we are alone you always come to the +drawing-room," replies the lady, sharply. + +"Oh, yes! when we're alone, darling," says Berry, blushing; "but now +we're NOT alone--ha, ha! Anatole, du Bordeaux!" + +"I'm sure they sat after the ladies at Carlton House; didn't they, Lady +Pash?" says Dobus, who likes his glass. + +"THAT they did!" says my Lady, giving him a jolly nod. + +"I racklackt," exclaims Captain Goff, "when I was in the Mauritius, that +Mestress MacWhirter, who commanded the Saxty-Sackond, used to say, 'Mac, +if ye want to get lively, ye'll not stop for more than two hours after +the leddies have laft ye: if ye want to get drunk, ye'll just dine at +the mass.' So ye see, Mestress Barry, what was Mac's allowance--haw, +haw! Mester Whey, I'll trouble ye for the o-lives." + +But although we were in a clear majority, that indomitable woman, Mrs. +Berry, determined to make us all as uneasy as possible, and would take +the votes all round. Poor Jack, of course, sided with her, and Whey said +he loved a cup of tea and a little music better than all the wine of +Bordeaux. As for the Frenchman, when Mrs. Berry said, "And what do you +think, M. le Vicomte?" + +"Vat you speak?" said M. de Blagueval, breaking silence for the first +time during two hours. "Yase--eh? to me you speak?" + +"Apry deeny, aimy-voo ally avec les dam?" + +"Comment avec les dames?" + +"Ally avec les dam com a Parry, ou resty avec les Messew com on +Onglyterre?" + +"Ah, madame! vous me le demandez?" cries the little wretch, starting up +in a theatrical way, and putting out his hand, which Mrs. Berry took, +and with this the ladies left the room. Old Lady Pash trotted after her +niece with her hand in Whey's, very much wondering at such practices, +which were not in the least in vogue in the reign of George III. + +Mrs. Berry cast a glance of triumph at her husband, at the defection; +and Berry was evidently annoyed that three-eighths of his male forces +had left him. + +But fancy our delight and astonishment, when in a minute they all three +came back again; the Frenchman looking entirely astonished, and the +parson and the painter both very queer. The fact is, old downright Lady +Pash, who had never been in Paris in her life before, and had no notion +of being deprived of her usual hour's respite and nap, said at once to +Mrs. Berry, "My dear Angelica, you're surely not going to keep these +three men here? Send them back to the dining-room, for I've a thousand +things to say to you." And Angelica, who expects to inherit her aunt's +property, of course did as she was bid; on which the old lady fell into +an easy chair, and fell asleep immediately,--so soon, that is, as +the shout caused by the reappearance of the three gentlemen in the +dining-room had subsided. + +I had meanwhile had some private conversation with little Cutler +regarding the character of Mrs. Berry. "She's a regular screw," +whispered he; "a regular Tartar. Berry shows fight, though, sometimes, +and I've known him have his own way for a week together. After dinner +he is his own master, and hers when he has had his share of wine; and +that's why she will never allow him to drink any." + +Was it a wicked, or was it a noble and honourable thought which came +to us both at the same minute, to rescue Berry from his captivity? The +ladies, of course, will give their verdict according to their gentle +natures; but I know what men of courage will think, and by their jovial +judgment will abide. + +We received, then, the three lost sheep back into our innocent fold +again with the most joyous shouting and cheering. We made Berry (who +was, in truth, nothing loth) order up I don't know how much more claret. +We obliged the Frenchman to drink malgre lui, and in the course of +a short time we had poor Whey in such a state of excitement, that he +actually volunteered to sing a song, which he said he had heard at some +very gay supper-party at Cambridge, and which begins: + + "A pye sat on a pear-tree, + A pye sat on a pear-tree, + A pye sat on a pear-tree, + Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho!" + +Fancy Mrs. Berry's face as she looked in, in the midst of that +Bacchanalian ditty, when she saw no less a person than the Reverend +Lemuel Whey carolling it! + +"Is it you, my dear?" cries Berry, as brave now as any Petruchio. "Come +in, and sit down, and hear Whey's song." + +"Lady Pash is asleep, Frank," said she. + +"Well, darling! that's the very reason. Give Mrs. Berry a glass, Jack, +will you?" + +"Would you wake your aunt, sir?" hissed out madame. + +"NEVER MIND ME, LOVE! I'M AWAKE, AND LIKE IT!" cried the venerable Lady +Pash from the salon. "Sing away, gentlemen!" + +At which we all set up an audacious cheer; and Mrs. Berry flounced back +to the drawing-room, but did not leave the door open, that her aunt +might hear our melodies. + +Berry had by this time arrived at that confidential state to which a +third bottle always brings the well-regulated mind; and he made a clean +confession to Cutler and myself of his numerous matrimonial annoyances. +He was not allowed to dine out, he said, and but seldom to ask his +friends to meet him at home. He never dared smoke a cigar for the life +of him, not even in the stables. He spent the mornings dawdling in +eternal shops, the evenings at endless tea-parties, or in reading +poems or missionary tracts to his wife. He was compelled to take physic +whenever she thought he looked a little pale, to change his shoes and +stockings whenever he came in from a walk. "Look here," said he, opening +his chest, and shaking his fist at Dobus; "look what Angelica and that +infernal Dobus have brought me to." + +I thought it might be a flannel waistcoat into which madame had +forced him; but it was worse: I give you my word of honour it was a +PITCH-PLASTER! + +We all roared at this, and the doctor as loud as anyone; but he vowed +that he had no hand in the pitch-plaster. It was a favourite family +remedy of the late apothecary Sir George Catacomb, and had been put on +by Mrs. Berry's own fair hands. + +When Anatole came in with coffee, Berry was in such high courage, that +he told him to go to the deuce with it; and we never caught sight of +Lady Pash more, except when, muffled up to the nose, she passed through +the salle-a-manger to go to her carriage, in which Dobus and the parson +were likewise to be transported to Paris. "Be a man, Frank," says she, +"and hold your own"--for the good old lady had taken her nephew's part +in the matrimonial business--"and you, Mr. Fitz-Boodle, come and see him +often. You're a good fellow, take old one-eyed Callipash's word for it. +Shall I take you to Paris?" + +Dear kind Angelica, she had told her aunt all I said! + +"Don't go, George," says Berry, squeezing me by the hand. So I said I +was going to sleep at Versailles that night; but if she would give a +convoy to Jack Butts, it would be conferring a great obligation on him; +with which favour the old lady accordingly complied, saying to him, +with great coolness, "Get up and sit with John in the rumble, Mr. +What-d'ye-call-'im." The fact is, the good old soul despises an artist +as much as she does a tailor. + +Jack tripped to his place very meekly; and "Remember Saturday," cried +the Doctor; and "Don't forget Thursday!" exclaimed the divine,--"a +bachelor's party, you know." And so the cavalcade drove thundering down +the gloomy old Avenue de Paris. + +The Frenchman, I forgot to say, had gone away exceedingly ill long +before; and the reminiscences of "Thursday" and "Saturday" evoked by +Dobus and Whey, were, to tell the truth, parts of our conspiracy; for in +the heat of Berry's courage, we had made him promise to dine with us all +round en garcon; with all except Captain Goff, who "racklacted" that he +was engaged every day for the next three weeks: as indeed he is, to +a thirty-sous ordinary which the gallant officer frequents, when not +invited elsewhere. + +Cutler and I then were the last on the field; and though we were for +moving away, Berry, whose vigour had, if possible, been excited by the +bustle and colloquy in the night air, insisted upon dragging us back +again, and actually proposed a grill for supper! + +We found in the salle-a-manger a strong smell of an extinguished lamp, +and Mrs. Berry was snuffing out the candles on the sideboard. + +"Hullo, my dear!" shouts Berry: "easy, if you please; we've not done +yet!" + +"Not done yet, Mr. Berry!" groans the lady, in a hollow sepulchral tone. + +"No, Mrs. B., not done yet. We are going to have some supper, ain't we, +George?" + +"I think it's quite time to go home," said Mr. Fitz-Boodle (who, to say +the truth, began to tremble himself). + +"I think it is, sir; you are quite right, sir; you will pardon me, +gentlemen, I have a bad headache, and will retire." + +"Good-night, my dear!" said that audacious Berry. "Anatole, tell the +cook to broil a fowl and bring some wine." + +If the loving couple had been alone, or if Cutler had not been an +attache to the embassy, before whom she was afraid of making herself +ridiculous, I am confident that Mrs. Berry would have fainted away on +the spot; and that all Berry's courage would have tumbled down lifeless +by the side of her. So she only gave a martyrised look, and left the +room; and while we partook of the very unnecessary repast, was good +enough to sing some hymn-tunes to an exceedingly slow movement in the +next room, intimating that she was awake, and that, though suffering, +she found her consolations in religion. + +These melodies did not in the least add to our friend's courage. The +devilled fowl had, somehow, no devil in it. The champagne in the glasses +looked exceedingly flat and blue. The fact is, that Cutler and I were +now both in a state of dire consternation, and soon made a move for +our hats, and lighting each a cigar in the hall, made across the little +green where the Cupids and nymphs were listening to the dribbling +fountain in the dark. + +"I'm hanged if I don't have a cigar too!" says Berry, rushing after us; +and accordingly putting in his pocket a key about the size of a shovel, +which hung by the little handle of the outer grille, forth he sallied, +and joined us in our fumigation. + +He stayed with us a couple of hours, and returned homewards in perfect +good spirits, having given me his word of honour he would dine with us +the next day. He put his immense key into the grille, and unlocked it; +but the gate would not open: IT WAS BOLTED WITHIN. + +He began to make a furious jangling and ringing at the bell; and in +oaths, both French and English, called upon the recalcitrant Anatole. + +After much tolling of the bell, a light came cutting across the crevices +of the inner door; it was thrown open, and a figure appeared with a +lamp,--a tall slim figure of a woman, clothed in white from head to +foot. + +It was Mrs. Berry, and when Cutler and I saw her, we both ran away as +fast as our legs could carry us. + +Berry, at this, shrieked with a wild laughter. "Remember to-morrow, old +boys," shouted he,--"six o'clock;" and we were a quarter of a mile off +when the gate closed, and the little mansion of the Avenue de Paris was +once more quiet and dark. + +The next afternoon, as we were playing at billiards, Cutler saw Mrs. +Berry drive by in her carriage; and as soon as rather a long rubber was +over, I thought I would go and look for our poor friend, and so went +down to the Pavilion. Every door was open, as the wont is in France, and +I walked in unannounced, and saw this: + +He was playing a duet with her on the flute. She had been out but for +half-an-hour, after not speaking all the morning; and having seen Cutler +at the billiard-room window, and suspecting we might take advantage +of her absence, she had suddenly returned home again, and had flung +herself, weeping, into her Frank's arms, and said she could not bear to +leave him in anger. And so, after sitting for a little while sobbing on +his knee, she had forgotten and forgiven every thing! + +The dear angel! I met poor Frank in Bond Street only yesterday; but he +crossed over to the other side of the way. He had on goloshes, and is +grown very fat and pale. He has shaved off his moustaches, and, instead, +wears a respirator. He has taken his name off all his clubs, and lives +very grimly in Baker Street. Well, ladies, no doubt you say he is right: +and what are the odds, so long as YOU are happy? + + + + +DENNIS HAGGARTY'S WIFE. + + +There was an odious Irishwoman who with her daughter used to frequent +the "Royal Hotel" at Leamington some years ago, and who went by the name +of Mrs. Major Gam. Gam had been a distinguished officer in His Majesty's +service, whom nothing but death and his own amiable wife could overcome. +The widow mourned her husband in the most becoming bombazeen she could +muster, and had at least half an inch of lampblack round the immense +visiting tickets which she left at the houses of the nobility and gentry +her friends. + +Some of us, I am sorry to say, used to call her Mrs. Major Gammon; for +if the worthy widow had a propensity, it was to talk largely of herself +and family (of her own family, for she held her husband's very cheap), +and of the wonders of her paternal mansion, Molloyville, county of Mayo. +She was of the Molloys of that county; and though I never heard of the +family before, I have little doubt, from what Mrs. Major Gam stated, +that they were the most ancient and illustrious family of that part of +Ireland. I remember there came down to see his aunt a young fellow +with huge red whiskers and tight nankeens, a green coat, and an awful +breastpin, who, after two days' stay at the Spa, proposed marriage to +Miss S----, or, in default, a duel with her father; and who drove a +flash curricle with a bay and a grey, and who was presented with much +pride by Mrs. Gam as Castlereagh Molloy of Molloyville. We all agreed +that he was the most insufferable snob of the whole season, and were +delighted when a bailiff came down in search of him. + +Well, this is all I know personally of the Molloyville family; but at +the house if you met the widow Gam, and talked on any subject in life, +you were sure to hear of it. If you asked her to have peas at dinner, +she would say, "Oh, sir, after the peas at Molloyville, I really don't +care for any others,--do I, dearest Jemima? We always had a dish in the +month of June, when my father gave his head gardener a guinea (we had +three at Molloyville), and sent him with his compliments and a quart of +peas to our neighbour, dear Lord Marrowfat. What a sweet place Marrowfat +Park is! isn't it, Jemima?" If a carriage passed by the window, Mrs. +Major Gammon would be sure to tell you that there were three carriages +at Molloyville, "the barouche, the chawiot, and the covered cyar." In +the same manner she would favour you with the number and names of the +footmen of the establishment; and on a visit to Warwick Castle (for this +bustling woman made one in every party of pleasure that was formed from +the hotel), she gave us to understand that the great walk by the river +was altogether inferior to the principal avenue of Molloyville Park. +I should not have been able to tell so much about Mrs. Gam and her +daughter, but that, between ourselves, I was particularly sweet upon a +young lady at the time, whose papa lived at the "Royal," and was under +the care of Doctor Jephson. + +The Jemima appealed to by Mrs. Gam in the above sentence was, of course, +her daughter, apostrophised by her mother, "Jemima, my soul's darling?" +or, "Jemima, my blessed child!" or, "Jemima, my own love!" The +sacrifices that Mrs. Gam had made for that daughter were, she said, +astonishing. The money she had spent in masters upon her, the illnesses +through which she had nursed her, the ineffable love the mother bore +her, were only known to Heaven, Mrs. Gam said. They used to come into +the room with their arms round each other's waists: at dinner between +the courses the mother would sit with one hand locked in her daughter's; +and if only two or three young men were present at the time, would be +pretty sure to kiss her Jemima more than once during the time whilst the +bohea was poured out. + +As for Miss Gam, if she was not handsome, candour forbids me to say she +was ugly. She was neither one nor t'other. She was a person who wore +ringlets and a band round her forehead; she knew four songs, which +became rather tedious at the end of a couple of months' acquaintance; +she had excessively bare shoulders; she inclined to wear numbers of +cheap ornaments, rings, brooches, ferronnieres, smelling-bottles, and +was always, we thought, very smartly dressed: though old Mrs. Lynx +hinted that her gowns and her mother's were turned over and over again, +and that her eyes were almost put out by darning stockings. + +These eyes Miss Gam had very large, though rather red and weak, and used +to roll them about at every eligible unmarried man in the place. But +though the widow subscribed to all the balls, though she hired a fly +to go to the meet of the hounds, though she was constant at church, and +Jemima sang louder than any person there except the clerk, and though, +probably, any person who made her a happy husband would be invited down +to enjoy the three footmen, gardeners, and carriages at Molloyville, yet +no English gentleman was found sufficiently audacious to propose. +Old Lynx used to say that the pair had been at Tunbridge, Harrogate, +Brighton, Ramsgate, Cheltenham, for this eight years past; where they +had met, it seemed, with no better fortune. Indeed, the widow looked +rather high for her blessed child: and as she looked with the contempt +which no small number of Irish people feel upon all persons who get +their bread by labour or commerce; and as she was a person whose +energetic manners, costume, and brogue were not much to the taste of +quiet English country gentlemen, Jemima--sweet, spotless flower--still +remained on her hands, a thought withered, perhaps, and seedy. + +Now, at this time, the 120th Regiment was quartered at Weedon Barracks, +and with the corps was a certain Assistant-Surgeon Haggarty, a large, +lean, tough, raw-boned man, with big hands, knock-knees, and carroty +whiskers, and, withal, as honest a creature as ever handled a lancet. +Haggarty, as his name imports, was of the very same nation as Mrs. Gam, +and, what is more, the honest fellow had some of the peculiarities which +belonged to the widow, and bragged about his family almost as much as +she did. I do not know of what particular part of Ireland they were +kings; but monarchs they must have been, as have been the ancestors of +so many thousand Hibernian families; but they had been men of no small +consideration in Dublin, "where my father," Haggarty said, "is as well +known as King William's statue, and where he 'rowls his carriage, too,' +let me tell ye." + +Hence, Haggarty was called by the wags "Rowl the carriage," and several +of them made inquiries of Mrs. Gam regarding him: "Mrs. Gam, when you +used to go up from Molloyville to the Lord Lieutenant's balls, and had +your townhouse in Fitzwilliam Square, used you to meet the famous Doctor +Haggarty in society?" + +"Is it Surgeon Haggarty of Gloucester Street ye mean? The black Papist! +D'ye suppose that the Molloys would sit down to table with a creature of +that sort?" + +"Why, isn't he the most famous physician in Dublin, and doesn't he rowl +his carriage there?" + +"The horrid wretch! He keeps a shop, I tell ye, and sends his sons out +with the medicine. He's got four of them off into the army, Ulick and +Phil, and Terence and Denny, and now it's Charles that takes out the +physic. But how should I know about these odious creatures? Their mother +was a Burke, of Burke's Town, county Cavan, and brought Surgeon Haggarty +two thousand pounds. She was a Protestant; and I am surprised how she +could have taken up with a horrid odious Popish apothecary!" + +From the extent of the widow's information, I am led to suppose that the +inhabitants of Dublin are not less anxious about their neighbours than +are the natives of English cities; and I think it is very probable that +Mrs. Gam's account of the young Haggartys who carried out the medicine +is perfectly correct, for a lad in the 120th made a caricature of +Haggarty coming out of a chemist's shop with an oilcloth basket under +his arm, which set the worthy surgeon in such a fury that there would +have been a duel between him and the ensign, could the fiery doctor have +had his way. + +Now, Dionysius Haggarty was of an exceedingly inflammable temperament, +and it chanced that of all the invalids, the visitors, the young squires +of Warwickshire, the young manufacturers from Birmingham, the young +officers from the barracks--it chanced, unluckily for Miss Gam and +himself, that he was the only individual who was in the least smitten +by her personal charms. He was very tender and modest about his love, +however, for it must be owned that he respected Mrs. Gam hugely, and +fully admitted, like a good simple fellow as he was, the superiority of +that lady's birth and breeding to his own. How could he hope that he, a +humble assistant-surgeon, with a thousand pounds his Aunt Kitty left +him for all his fortune--how could he hope that one of the race of +Molloyville would ever condescend to marry him? + +Inflamed, however, by love, and inspired by wine, one day at a picnic at +Kenilworth, Haggarty, whose love and raptures were the talk of the whole +regiment, was induced by his waggish comrades to make a proposal in +form. + +"Are you aware, Mr. Haggarty, that you are speaking to a Molloy?" +was all the reply majestic Mrs. Gam made when, according to the usual +formula, the fluttering Jemima referred her suitor to "Mamma." She left +him with a look which was meant to crush the poor fellow to earth; she +gathered up her cloak and bonnet, and precipitately called for her fly. +She took care to tell every single soul in Leamington that the son of +the odious Papist apothecary had had the audacity to propose for her +daughter (indeed a proposal, coming from whatever quarter it may, +does no harm), and left Haggarty in a state of extreme depression and +despair. + +His down-heartedness, indeed, surprised most of his acquaintances in and +out of the regiment, for the young lady was no beauty, and a doubtful +fortune, and Dennis was a man outwardly of an unromantic turn, who +seemed to have a great deal more liking for beefsteak and whisky-punch +than for women, however fascinating. + +But there is no doubt this shy uncouth rough fellow had a warmer and +more faithful heart hid within him than many a dandy who is as handsome +as Apollo. I, for my part, never can understand why a man falls in love, +and heartily give him credit for so doing, never mind with what or +whom. THAT I take to be a point quite as much beyond an individual's own +control as the catching of the small-pox or the colour of his hair. To +the surprise of all, Assistant-Surgeon Dionysius Haggarty was deeply and +seriously in love; and I am told that one day he very nearly killed the +before-mentioned young ensign with a carving-knife, for venturing to +make a second caricature, representing Lady Gammon and Jemima in a +fantastical park, surrounded by three gardeners, three carriages, three +footmen, and the covered cyar. He would have no joking concerning them. +He became moody and quarrelsome of habit. He was for some time much more +in the surgery and hospital than in the mess. He gave up the eating, for +the most part, of those vast quantities of beef and pudding, for which +his stomach used to afford such ample and swift accommodation; and when +the cloth was drawn, instead of taking twelve tumblers, and singing +Irish melodies, as he used to do, in a horrible cracked yelling voice, +he would retire to his own apartment, or gloomily pace the barrack-yard, +or madly whip and spur a grey mare he had on the road to Leamington, +where his Jemima (although invisible for him) still dwelt. + +The season at Leamington coming to a conclusion by the withdrawal of the +young fellows who frequented that watering-place, the widow Gam retired +to her usual quarters for the other months of the year. Where these +quarters were, I think we have no right to ask, for I believe she had +quarrelled with her brother at Molloyville, and besides, was a great +deal too proud to be a burden on anybody. + +Not only did the widow quit Leamington, but very soon afterwards the +120th received its marching orders, and left Weedon and Warwickshire. +Haggarty's appetite was by this time partially restored, but his love +was not altered, and his humour was still morose and gloomy. I am +informed that at this period of his life he wrote some poems relative to +his unhappy passion; a wild set of verses of several lengths, and in +his handwriting, being discovered upon a sheet of paper in which a +pitch-plaster was wrapped up, which Lieutenant and Adjutant Wheezer was +compelled to put on for a cold. + +Fancy then, three years afterwards, the surprise of all Haggarty's +acquaintances on reading in the public papers the following +announcement: + +"Married, at Monkstown on the 12th instant, Dionysius Haggarty, Esq., +of H.M. 120th Foot, to Jemima Amelia Wilhelmina Molloy, daughter of the +late Major Lancelot Gam, R.M., and granddaughter of the late, and niece +of the present Burke Bodkin Blake Molloy, Esq., Molloyville, county +Mayo." + +"Has the course of true love at last begun to run smooth?" thought I, as +I laid down the paper; and the old times, and the old leering bragging +widow, and the high shoulders of her daughter, and the jolly days with +the 120th, and Doctor Jephson's one-horse chaise, and the Warwickshire +hunt, and--and Louisa S----, but never mind HER,--came back to my mind. +Has that good-natured simple fellow at last met with his reward? Well, +if he has not to marry the mother-in-law too, he may get on well enough. + +Another year announced the retirement of Assistant-Surgeon Haggarty +from the 120th, where he was replaced by Assistant-Surgeon Angus +Rothsay Leech, a Scotchman, probably; with whom I have not the least +acquaintance, and who has nothing whatever to do with this little +history. + +Still more years passed on, during which time I will not say that I kept +a constant watch upon the fortunes of Mr. Haggarty and his lady; for, +perhaps, if the truth were known, I never thought for a moment about +them; until one day, being at Kingstown, near Dublin, dawdling on +the beach, and staring at the Hill of Howth, as most people at that +watering-place do, I saw coming towards me a tall gaunt man, with a pair +of bushy red whiskers, of which I thought I had seen the like in former +years, and a face which could be no other than Haggarty's. It was +Haggarty, ten years older than when we last met, and greatly more grim +and thin. He had on one shoulder a young gentleman in a dirty tartan +costume, and a face exceedingly like his own peeping from under a +battered plume of black feathers, while with his other hand he was +dragging a light green go-cart, in which reposed a female infant of some +two years old. Both were roaring with great power of lungs. + +As soon as Dennis saw me, his face lost the dull puzzled expression +which had seemed to characterise it; he dropped the pole of the go-cart +from one hand, and his son from the other, and came jumping forward to +greet me with all his might, leaving his progeny roaring in the road. + +"Bless my sowl," says he, "sure it's Fitz-Boodle? Fitz, don't you +remember me? Dennis Haggarty of the 120th? Leamington, you know? Molloy, +my boy, hould your tongue, and stop your screeching, and Jemima's too; +d'ye hear? Well, it does good to sore eyes to see an old face. How fat +you're grown, Fitz; and were ye ever in Ireland before? and a'n't ye +delighted with it? Confess, now, isn't it beautiful?" + +This question regarding the merits of their country, which I have +remarked is put by most Irish persons, being answered in a satisfactory +manner, and the shouts of the infants appeased from an apple-stall +hard by, Dennis and I talked of old times; I congratulated him on his +marriage with the lovely girl whom we all admired, and hoped he had a +fortune with her, and so forth. His appearance, however, did not bespeak +a great fortune: he had an old grey hat, short old trousers, an old +waistcoat with regimental buttons, and patched Blucher boots, such as +are not usually sported by persons in easy life. + +"Ah!" says he, with a sigh, in reply to my queries, "times are changed +since them days, Fitz-Boodle. My wife's not what she was--the beautiful +creature you knew her. Molloy, my boy, run off in a hurry to your mamma, +and tell her an English gentleman is coming home to dine; for you'll +dine with me, Fitz, in course?" And I agreed to partake of that meal; +though Master Molloy altogether declined to obey his papa's orders with +respect to announcing the stranger. + +"Well, I must announce you myself," said Haggarty, with a smile. "Come, +it's just dinner-time, and my little cottage is not a hundred yards +off." Accordingly, we all marched in procession to Dennis's little +cottage, which was one of a row and a half of one-storied houses, with +little courtyards before them, and mostly with very fine names on the +doorposts of each. "Surgeon Haggarty" was emblazoned on Dennis's gate, +on a stained green copper-plate; and, not content with this, on the +door-post above the bell was an oval with the inscription of "New +Molloyville." The bell was broken, of course; the court, or garden-path, +was mouldy, weedy, seedy; there were some dirty rocks, by way of +ornament, round a faded glass-plat in the centre, some clothes and +rags hanging out of most part of the windows of New Molloyville, the +immediate entrance to which was by a battered scraper, under a broken +trellis-work, up which a withered creeper declined any longer to climb. + +"Small, but snug," says Haggarty: "I'll lead the way, Fitz; put your hat +on the flower-pot there, and turn to the left into the drawing-room." +A fog of onions and turf-smoke filled the whole of the house, and gave +signs that dinner was not far off. Far off? You could hear it frizzling +in the kitchen, where the maid was also endeavouring to hush the crying +of a third refractory child. But as we entered, all three of Haggarty's +darlings were in full roar. + +"Is it you, Dennis?" cried a sharp raw voice, from a dark corner in +the drawing-room to which we were introduced, and in which a dirty +tablecloth was laid for dinner, some bottles of porter and a cold +mutton-bone being laid out on a rickety grand piano hard by. "Ye're +always late, Mr. Haggarty. Have you brought the whisky from Nowlan's? +I'll go bail ye've not, now." + +"My dear, I've brought an old friend of yours and mine to take pot-luck +with us to-day," said Dennis. + +"When is he to come?" said the lady. At which speech I was rather +surprised, for I stood before her. + +"Here he is, Jemima my love," answered Dennis, looking at me. "Mr. +Fitz-Boodle: don't you remember him in Warwickshire, darling?" + +"Mr. Fitz-Boodle! I am very glad to see him," said the lady, rising and +curtseying with much cordiality. + +Mrs. Haggarty was blind. + +Mrs. Haggarty was not only blind, but it was evident that smallpox +had been the cause of her loss of vision. Her eyes were bound with a +bandage, her features were entirely swollen, scarred and distorted by +the horrible effects of the malady. She had been knitting in a corner +when we entered, and was wrapped in a very dirty bedgown. Her voice to +me was quite different to that in which she addressed her husband. She +spoke to Haggarty in broad Irish: she addressed me in that most odious +of all languages--Irish-English, endeavouring to the utmost to disguise +her brogue, and to speak with the true dawdling distingue English air. + +"Are you long in I-a-land?" said the poor creature in this accent. "You +must faind it a sad ba'ba'ous place, Mr Fitz-Boodle, I'm shu-ah! It was +vary kaind of you to come upon us en famille, and accept a dinner sans +ceremonie. Mr. Haggarty, I hope you'll put the waine into aice, Mr. +Fitz-Boodle must be melted with this hot weathah." + +For some time she conducted the conversation in this polite strain, and +I was obliged to say, in reply to a query of hers, that I did not find +her the least altered, though I should never have recognised her but for +this rencontre. She told Haggarty with a significant air to get the wine +from the cellah, and whispered to me that he was his own butlah; and the +poor fellow, taking the hint, scudded away into the town for a pound of +beefsteak and a couple of bottles of wine from the tavern. + +"Will the childhren get their potatoes and butther here?" said a +barefoot girl, with long black hair flowing over her face, which she +thrust in at the door. + +"Let them sup in the nursery, Elizabeth, and send--ah! Edwards to me." + +"Is it cook you mane, ma'am?" said the girl. + +"Send her at once!" shrieked the unfortunate woman; and the noise of +frying presently ceasing, a hot woman made her appearance, wiping her +brows with her apron, and asking, with an accent decidedly Hibernian, +what the misthress wanted. + +"Lead me up to my dressing-room, Edwards: I really am not fit to be seen +in this dishabille by Mr. Fitz-Boodle." + +"Fait' I can't!" says Edwards; "sure the masther's at the butcher's, and +can't look to the kitchen-fire!" + +"Nonsense, I must go!" cried Mrs. Haggarty; and Edwards, putting on a +resigned air, and giving her arm and face a further rub with her apron, +held out her arm to Mrs. Dennis, and the pair went upstairs. + +She left me to indulge my reflections for half-an-hour, at the end of +which period she came downstairs dressed in an old yellow satin, with +the poor shoulders exposed just as much as ever. She had mounted a +tawdry cap, which Haggarty himself must have selected for her. She had +all sorts of necklaces, bracelets, and earrings in gold, in garnets, +in mother-of-pearl, in ormolu. She brought in a furious savour of musk, +which drove the odours of onions and turf-smoke before it; and she +waved across her wretched angular mean scarred features an old cambric +handkerchief with a yellow lace-border. + +"And so you would have known me anywhere, Mr. Fitz-Boodle?" said she, +with a grin that was meant to be most fascinating. "I was sure you +would; for though my dreadful illness deprived me of my sight, it is a +mercy that it did not change my features or complexion at all!" + +This mortification had been spared the unhappy woman; but I don't +know whether, with all her vanity, her infernal pride, folly, and +selfishness, it was charitable to leave her in her error. + +Yet why correct her? There is a quality in certain people which is +above all advice, exposure, or correction. Only let a man or woman have +DULNESS sufficient, and they need bow to no extant authority. A dullard +recognises no betters; a dullard can't see that he is in the wrong; +a dullard has no scruples of conscience, no doubts of pleasing, or +succeeding, or doing right; no qualms for other people's feelings, no +respect but for the fool himself. How can you make a fool perceive he is +a fool? Such a personage can no more see his own folly than he can see +his own ears. And the great quality of Dulness is to be unalterably +contented with itself. What myriads of souls are there of this admirable +sort,--selfish, stingy, ignorant, passionate, brutal; bad sons, mothers, +fathers, never known to do kind actions! + +To pause, however, in this disquisition, which was carrying us far off +Kingstown, New Molloyville, Ireland--nay, into the wide world wherever +Dulness inhabits--let it be stated that Mrs. Haggarty, from my brief +acquaintance with her and her mother, was of the order of persons just +mentioned. There was an air of conscious merit about her, very hard to +swallow along with the infamous dinner poor Dennis managed, after +much delay, to get on the table. She did not fail to invite me to +Molloyville, where she said her cousin would be charmed to see me; and +she told me almost as many anecdotes about that place as her mother used +to impart in former days. I observed, moreover, that Dennis cut her +the favourite pieces of the beefsteak, that she ate thereof with great +gusto, and that she drank with similar eagerness of the various strong +liquors at table. "We Irish ladies are all fond of a leetle glass of +punch," she said, with a playful air, and Dennis mixed her a powerful +tumbler of such violent grog as I myself could swallow only with some +difficulty. She talked of her suffering a great deal, of her sacrifices, +of the luxuries to which she had been accustomed before marriage,--in +a word, of a hundred of those themes on which some ladies are in the +custom of enlarging when they wish to plague some husbands. + +But honest Dennis, far from being angry at this perpetual, wearisome, +impudent recurrence to her own superiority, rather encouraged the +conversation than otherwise. It pleased him to hear his wife discourse +about her merits and family splendours. He was so thoroughly beaten +down and henpecked, that he, as it were, gloried in his servitude, and +fancied that his wife's magnificence reflected credit on himself. He +looked towards me, who was half sick of the woman and her egotism, as +if expecting me to exhibit the deepest sympathy, and flung me glances +across the table as much as to say, "What a gifted creature my Jemima +is, and what a fine fellow I am to be in possession of her!" When the +children came down she scolded them, of course, and dismissed them +abruptly (for which circumstance, perhaps, the writer of these pages +was not in his heart very sorry), and, after having sat a preposterously +long time, left us, asking whether we would have coffee there or in her +boudoir. + +"Oh! here, of course," said Dennis, with rather a troubled air, and +in about ten minutes the lovely creature was led back to us again by +"Edwards," and the coffee made its appearance. After coffee her husband +begged her to let Mr. Fitz-Boodle hear her voice: "He longs for some of +his old favourites." + +"No! DO you?" said she; and was led in triumph to the jingling old +piano, and with a screechy wiry voice, sang those very abominable old +ditties which I had heard her sing at Leamington ten years back. + +Haggarty, as she sang, flung himself back in the chair delighted. +Husbands always are, and with the same song, one that they have heard +when they were nineteen years old probably; most Englishmen's tunes have +that date, and it is rather affecting, I think, to hear an old gentleman +of sixty or seventy quavering the old ditty that was fresh when HE was +fresh and in his prime. If he has a musical wife, depend on it he thinks +her old songs of 1788 are better than any he has heard since: in fact +he has heard NONE since. When the old couple are in high good-humour the +old gentleman will take the old lady round the waist, and say, "My dear, +do sing me one of your own songs," and she sits down and sings with her +old voice, and, as she sings, the roses of her youth bloom again for a +moment. Ranelagh resuscitates, and she is dancing a minuet in powder and +a train. + +This is another digression. It was occasioned by looking at poor +Dennis's face while his wife was screeching (and, believe me, the former +was the more pleasant occupation). Bottom tickled by the fairies could +not have been in greater ecstasies. He thought the music was divine; +and had further reason for exulting in it, which was, that his wife was +always in a good humour after singing, and never would sing but in that +happy frame of mind. Dennis had hinted so much in our little colloquy +during the ten minutes of his lady's absence in the "boudoir;" so, at +the conclusion of each piece, we shouted "Bravo!" and clapped our hands +like mad. + +Such was my insight into the life of Surgeon Dionysius Haggarty and his +wife; and I must have come upon him at a favourable moment too, for poor +Dennis has spoken, subsequently, of our delightful evening at Kingstown, +and evidently thinks to this day that his friend was fascinated by +the entertainment there. His inward economy was as follows: he had his +half-pay, a thousand pounds, about a hundred a year that his father +left, and his wife had sixty pounds a year from the mother; which the +mother, of course, never paid. He had no practice, for he was absorbed +in attention to his Jemima and the children, whom he used to wash, to +dress, to carry out, to walk, or to ride, as we have seen, and who +could not have a servant, as their dear blind mother could never be left +alone. Mrs. Haggarty, a great invalid, used to lie in bed till one, and +have breakfast and hot luncheon there. A fifth part of his income was +spent in having her wheeled about in a chair, by which it was his duty +to walk daily for an allotted number of hours. Dinner would ensue, and +the amateur clergy, who abound in Ireland, and of whom Mrs. Haggarty +was a great admirer, lauded her everywhere as a model of resignation and +virtue, and praised beyond measure the admirable piety with which she +bore her sufferings. + +Well, every man to his taste. It did not certainly appear to me that SHE +was the martyr of the family. + +"The circumstances of my marriage with Jemima," Dennis said to me, in +some after conversations we had on this interesting subject, "were the +most romantic and touching you can conceive. You saw what an impression +the dear girl had made upon me when we were at Weedon; for from the +first day I set eyes on her, and heard her sing her delightful song of +'Dark-eyed Maiden of Araby,' I felt, and said to Turniquet of ours, that +very night, that SHE was the dark-eyed maid of Araby for ME--not that +she was, you know, for she was born in Shropshire. But I felt that I had +seen the woman who was to make me happy or miserable for life. You know +how I proposed for her at Kenilworth, and how I was rejected, and how I +almost shot myself in consequence--no, you don't know that, for I said +nothing about it to anyone, but I can tell you it was a very near thing; +and a very lucky thing for me I didn't do it: for,--would you believe +it?--the dear girl was in love with me all the time." + +"Was she really?" said I, who recollected that Miss Gam's love of those +days showed itself in a very singular manner; but the fact is, when +women are most in love they most disguise it. + +"Over head and ears in love with poor Dennis," resumed that worthy +fellow, "who'd ever have thought it? But I have it from the best +authority, from her own mother, with whom I'm not over and above good +friends now; but of this fact she assured me, and I'll tell you when and +how. + +"We were quartered at Cork three years after we were at Weedon, and it +was our last year at home; and a great mercy that my dear girl spoke +in time, or where should we have been now? Well, one day, marching +home from parade, I saw a lady seated at an open window, by another who +seemed an invalid, and the lady at the window, who was dressed in the +profoundest mourning, cried out, with a scream, 'Gracious, heavens! it's +Mr. Haggarty of the 120th.' + +"'Sure I know that voice,' says I to Whiskerton. + +"'It's a great mercy you don't know it a deal too well,' says he: 'it's +Lady Gammon. She's on some husband-hunting scheme, depend on it, for +that daughter of hers. She was at Bath last year on the same errand, and +at Cheltenham the year before, where, Heaven bless you! she's as well +known as the "Hen and Chickens."' + +"'I'll thank you not to speak disrespectfully of Miss Jemima Gam,' said +I to Whiskerton; 'she's of one of the first families in Ireland, and +whoever says a word against a woman I once proposed for, insults me,--do +you understand?' + +"'Well, marry her, if you like,' says Whiskerton, quite peevish: 'marry +her, and be hanged!' + +"Marry her! the very idea of it set my brain a-whirling, and made me a +thousand times more mad than I am by nature. + +"You may be sure I walked up the hill to the parade-ground that +afternoon, and with a beating heart too. I came to the widow's house. It +was called 'New Molloyville,' as this is. Wherever she takes a house for +six months she calls it 'New Molloyville;' and has had one in Mallow, +in Bandon, in Sligo, in Castlebar, in Fermoy, in Drogheda, and the deuce +knows where besides: but the blinds were down, and though I thought I +saw somebody behind 'em, no notice was taken of poor Denny Haggarty, +and I paced up and down all mess-time in hopes of catching a glimpse of +Jemima, but in vain. The next day I was on the ground again; I was just +as much in love as ever, that's the fact. I'd never been in that way +before, look you; and when once caught, I knew it was for life. + +"There's no use in telling you how long I beat about the bush, but when +I DID get admittance to the house (it was through the means of young +Castlereagh Molloy, whom you may remember at Leamington, and who was +at Cork for the regatta, and used to dine at our mess, and had taken a +mighty fancy to me)--when I DID get into the house, I say, I rushed in +medias res at once; I couldn't keep myself quiet, my heart was too full. + +"Oh, Fitz! I shall never forget the day,--the moment I was inthrojuiced +into the dthrawing-room" (as he began to be agitated, Dennis's brogue +broke out with greater richness than ever; but though a stranger may +catch, and repeat from memory, a few words, it is next to impossible for +him to KEEP UP A CONVERSATION in Irish, so that we had best give up all +attempts to imitate Dennis). "When I saw old mother Gam," said he, "my +feelings overcame me all at once. I rowled down on the ground, sir, as +if I'd been hit by a musket-ball. 'Dearest madam,' says I, 'I'll die if +you don't give me Jemima.' + +"'Heavens, Mr. Haggarty!' says she, 'how you seize me with surprise! +Castlereagh, my dear nephew, had you not better leave us?' and away he +went, lighting a cigar, and leaving me still on the floor. + +"'Rise, Mr. Haggarty,' continued the widow. 'I will not attempt to deny +that this constancy towards my daughter is extremely affecting, however +sudden your present appeal may be. I will not attempt to deny that, +perhaps, Jemima may have a similar feeling; but, as I said, I never +could give my daughter to a Catholic.' + +"'I'm as good a Protestant as yourself, ma'am,' says I; 'my mother was +an heiress, and we were all brought up her way.' + +"'That makes the matter very different,' says she, turning up the whites +of her eyes. 'How could I ever have reconciled it to my conscience to +see my blessed child married to a Papist? How could I ever have taken +him to Molloyville? Well, this obstacle being removed, _I_ must put +myself no longer in the way between two young people. _I_ must sacrifice +myself; as I always have when my darling girl was in question. YOU shall +see her, the poor dear lovely gentle sufferer, and learn your fate from +her own lips.' + +"'The sufferer, ma'am,' says I; 'has Miss Gam been ill?' + +"'What! haven't you heard?' cried the widow. 'Haven't you heard of the +dreadful illness which so nearly carried her from me? For nine weeks, +Mr. Haggarty, I watched her day and night, without taking a wink of +sleep,--for nine weeks she lay trembling between death and life; and I +paid the doctor eighty-three guineas. She is restored now; but she is +the wreck of the beautiful creature she was. Suffering, and, perhaps, +ANOTHER DISAPPOINTMENT--but we won't mention that NOW--have so pulled +her down. But I will leave you, and prepare my sweet girl for this +strange, this entirely unexpected visit.' + +"I won't tell you what took place between me and Jemima, to whom I was +introduced as she sat in the darkened room, poor sufferer! nor describe +to you with what a thrill of joy I seized (after groping about for it) +her poor emaciated hand. She did not withdraw it; I came out of that +room an engaged man, sir; and NOW I was enabled to show her that I had +always loved her sincerely, for there was my will, made three years +back, in her favour: that night she refused me, as I told ye. I would +have shot myself, but they'd have brought me in non compos; and my +brother Mick would have contested the will, and so I determined to live, +in order that she might benefit by my dying. I had but a thousand pounds +then: since that my father has left me two more. I willed every shilling +to her, as you may fancy, and settled it upon her when we married, as we +did soon after. It was not for some time that I was allowed to see +the poor girl's face, or, indeed, was aware of the horrid loss she had +sustained. Fancy my agony, my dear fellow, when I saw that beautiful +wreck!" + +There was something not a little affecting to think, in the conduct of +this brave fellow, that he never once, as he told his story, seemed to +allude to the possibility of his declining to marry a woman who was not +the same as the woman he loved; but that he was quite as faithful to +her now, as he had been when captivated by the poor tawdry charms of the +silly Miss of Leamington. It was hard that such a noble heart as this +should be flung away upon yonder foul mass of greedy vanity. Was it +hard, or not, that he should remain deceived in his obstinate humility, +and continue to admire the selfish silly being whom he had chosen to +worship? + +"I should have been appointed surgeon of the regiment," continued +Dennis, "soon after, when it was ordered abroad to Jamaica, where it now +is. But my wife would not hear of going, and said she would break her +heart if she left her mother. So I retired on half-pay, and took this +cottage; and in case any practice should fall in my way--why, there is +my name on the brass plate, and I'm ready for anything that comes. But +the only case that ever DID come was one day when I was driving my wife +in the chaise; and another, one night, of a beggar with a broken head. +My wife makes me a present of a baby every year, and we've no debts; and +between you and me and the post, as long as my mother-in-law is out of +the house, I'm as happy as I need be." + +"What! you and the old lady don't get on well?" said I. + +"I can't say we do; it's not in nature, you know," said Dennis, with a +faint grin. "She comes into the house, and turns it topsy-turvy. When +she's here I'm obliged to sleep in the scullery. She's never paid her +daughter's income since the first year, though she brags about her +sacrifices as if she had ruined herself for Jemima; and besides, when +she's here, there's a whole clan of the Molloys, horse, foot, and +dragoons, that are quartered upon us, and eat me out of house and home." + +"And is Molloyville such a fine place as the widow described it?" asked +I, laughing, and not a little curious. + +"Oh, a mighty fine place entirely!" said Dennis. "There's the oak park +of two hundred acres, the finest land ye ever saw, only they've cut all +the wood down. The garden in the old Molloys' time, they say, was the +finest ever seen in the West of Ireland; but they've taken all the glass +to mend the house windows: and small blame to them either. There's a +clear rent-roll of thirty-five hundred a year, only it's in the hand of +receivers; besides other debts, for which there is no land security." + +"Your cousin-in-law, Castlereagh Molloy, won't come into a large +fortune?" + +"Oh, he'll do very well," said Dennis. "As long as he can get credit, +he's not the fellow to stint himself. Faith, I was fool enough to put my +name to a bit of paper for him, and as they could not catch him in Mayo, +they laid hold of me at Kingstown here. And there was a pretty to do. +Didn't Mrs. Gam say I was ruining her family, that's all? I paid it by +instalments (for all my money is settled on Jemima); and Castlereagh, +who's an honourable fellow, offered me any satisfaction in life. Anyhow, +he couldn't do more than THAT." + +"Of course not: and now you're friends?" + +"Yes, and he and his aunt have had a tiff, too; and he abuses her +properly, I warrant ye. He says that she carried about Jemima from place +to place, and flung her at the head of every unmarried man in England +a'most--my poor Jemima, and she all the while dying in love with me! +As soon as she got over the small-pox--she took it at Fermoy--God bless +her, I wish I'd been by to be her nurse-tender--as soon as she was +rid of it, the old lady said to Castlereagh, 'Castlereagh, go to the +bar'cks, and find out in the Army List where the 120th is.' Off she came +to Cork hot foot. It appears that while she was ill, Jemima's love for +me showed itself in such a violent way that her mother was overcome, and +promised that, should the dear child recover, she would try and bring us +together. Castlereagh says she would have gone after us to Jamaica." + +"I have no doubt she would," said I. + +"Could you have a stronger proof of love than that?" cried Dennis. "My +dear girl's illness and frightful blindness have, of course, injured her +health and her temper. She cannot in her position look to the children, +you know, and so they come under my charge for the most part; and her +temper is unequal, certainly. But you see what a sensitive, refined, +elegant creature she is, and may fancy that she's often put out by a +rough fellow like me." + +Here Dennis left me, saying it was time to go and walk out the children; +and I think his story has matter of some wholesome reflection in it for +bachelors who are about to change their condition, or may console some +who are mourning their celibacy. Marry, gentlemen, if you like; leave +your comfortable dinner at the club for cold-mutton and curl-papers at +your home; give up your books or pleasures, and take to yourselves wives +and children; but think well on what you do first, as I have no doubt +you will after this advice and example. Advice is always useful in +matters of love; men always take it; they always follow other people's +opinions, not their own: they always profit by example. When they see a +pretty woman, and feel the delicious madness of love coming over them, +they always stop to calculate her temper, her money, their own money, +or suitableness for the married life.... Ha, ha, ha! Let us fool in this +way no more. I have been in love forty-three times with all ranks and +conditions of women, and would have married every time if they would +have let me. How many wives had King Solomon, the wisest of men? And is +not that story a warning to us that Love is master of the wisest? It is +only fools who defy him. + +I must come, however, to the last, and perhaps the saddest, part of poor +Denny Haggarty's history. I met him once more, and in such a condition +as made me determine to write this history. + +In the month of June last I happened to be at Richmond, a delightful +little place of retreat; and there, sunning himself upon the terrace, +was my old friend of the 120th: he looked older, thinner, poorer, +and more wretched than I had ever seen him. "What! you have given up +Kingstown?" said I, shaking him by the hand. + +"Yes," says he. + +"And is my lady and your family here at Richmond?" + +"No," says he, with a sad shake of the head; and the poor fellow's +hollow eyes filled with tears. + +"Good heavens, Denny! what's the matter?" said I. He was squeezing my +hand like a vice as I spoke. + +"They've LEFT me!" he burst out with a dreadful shout of passionate +grief--a horrible scream which seemed to be wrenched out of his heart. +"Left me!" said he, sinking down on a seat, and clenching his great +fists, and shaking his lean arms wildly. "I'm a wise man now, Mr. +Fitz-Boodle. Jemima has gone away from me, and yet you know how I loved +her, and how happy we were! I've got nobody now; but I'll die soon, +that's one comfort: and to think it's she that'll kill me after all!" + +The story, which he told with a wild and furious lamentation such as is +not known among men of our cooler country, and such as I don't like now +to recall, was a very simple one. The mother-in-law had taken possession +of the house, and had driven him from it. His property at his marriage +was settled on his wife. She had never loved him, and told him this +secret at last, and drove him out of doors with her selfish scorn and +ill-temper. The boy had died; the girls were better, he said, brought up +among the Molloys than they could be with him; and so he was quite alone +in the world, and was living, or rather dying, on forty pounds a year. + +His troubles are very likely over by this time. The two fools who caused +his misery will never read this history of him; THEY never read godless +stories in magazines: and I wish, honest reader, that you and I went to +church as much as they do. These people are not wicked BECAUSE of +their religious observances, but IN SPITE of them. They are too dull to +understand humility, too blind to see a tender and simple heart under +a rough ungainly bosom. They are sure that all their conduct towards my +poor friend here has been perfectly righteous, and that they have given +proofs of the most Christian virtue. Haggarty's wife is considered by +her friends as a martyr to a savage husband, and her mother is the angel +that has come to rescue her. All they did was to cheat him and desert +him. And safe in that wonderful self-complacency with which the fools +of this earth are endowed, they have not a single pang of conscience for +their villany towards him, consider their heartlessness as a proof and +consequence of their spotless piety and virtue. + + + + +FOOTNOTES + +[Footnote 1: The words of this song are copyright, nor will the +copyright be sold for less than twopence-halfpenny.] + +[Footnote 2: A French proverbe furnished the author with the notion of +the rivalry between the Barber and the Tailor.] + +[Footnote 3: As it is very probable that many fair readers may not +approve of the extremely forcible language in which the combat is +depicted, I beg them to skip it and pass on to the next chapter, and to +remember that it has been modelled on the style of the very best writers +of the sporting papers.] + +[Footnote 4: Every person who has lived abroad can, of course, point out +a score of honourable exceptions to the case above hinted at, and knows +many such unions in which it is the Frenchman who honours the English +lady by marrying her. But it must be remembered that marrying in France +means commonly fortune-hunting: and as for the respect in which marriage +is held in France, let all the French novels in M. Rolandi's library be +perused by those who wish to come to a decision upon the question.] + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Men's Wives, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEN'S WIVES *** + +***** This file should be named 1985.txt or 1985.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/8/1985/ + +Produced by Les Bowler + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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