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diff --git a/1985-h/1985-h.htm b/1985-h/1985-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..b7fe5c3 --- /dev/null +++ b/1985-h/1985-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8014 @@ +<?xml version="1.0" encoding="utf-8"?> + +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd" > + +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" lang="en"> + <head> + <title> + Men's Wives, by William Makepeace Thackeray + </title> + <style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + + body { margin:5%; background:#faebd0; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; margin-top: .25em; margin-bottom: .25em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; margin-left: 15%; margin-right: 15%; } + hr { width: 50%; text-align: center;} + .foot { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 90%; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; font-style: italic; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;} + .mynote {background-color: #DDE; color: #000; padding: .5em; margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 95%;} + .toc { margin-left: 10%; margin-bottom: .75em;} + .toc2 { margin-left: 20%;} + div.fig { display:block; margin:0 auto; text-align:center; } + div.middle { margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 20%; text-align: justify; } + .figleft {float: left; margin-left: 0%; margin-right: 1%;} + .figright {float: right; margin-right: 0%; margin-left: 1%;} + .pagenum {display:inline; font-size: 70%; font-style:normal; + margin: 0; padding: 0; position: absolute; right: 1%; + text-align: right;} + pre { font-style: italic; font-size: 90%; margin-left: 10%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Men's Wives, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Men's Wives + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + +Release Date: October 23, 2008 [EBook #1985] +Last Updated: March 5, 2018 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: UTF-8 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEN'S WIVES *** + + + + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + + + + + +</pre> + <p> + <br /><br /> + </p> + <h1> + MEN'S WIVES + </h1> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <h2> + By William Makepeace Thackeray + </h2> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <blockquote> + <p class="toc"> + <big><b>CONTENTS</b></big> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0001"> <b>MEN'S WIVES, BY G. FITZ-BOODLE</b> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0002"> <b>THE RAVENSWING</b> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0001"> CHAPTER I. WHICH IS ENTIRELY INTRODUCTORY—CONTAINS + AN ACCOUNT OF MISS CRUMP, HER SUITORS, AND HER FAMILY CIRCLE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0002"> CHAPTER II. IN WHICH MR. WALKER MAKES THREE + ATTEMPTS TO ASCERTAIN THE DWELLING OF MORGIANA. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0003"> CHAPTER III. WHAT CAME OF MR WALKER'S DISCOVERY + OF THE “BOOTJACK.” </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0004"> CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH THE HEROINE HAS A NUMBER + MORE LOVERS, AND CUTS A VERY DASHING FIGURE IN THE WORLD. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0005"> CHAPTER V. IN WHICH MR. WALKER FALLS INTO + DIFFICULTIES, AND MRS. WALKER MAKES MANY FOOLISH ATTEMPTS TO RESCUE HIM. + </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0006"> CHAPTER VI. IN WHICH MR. WALKER STILL REMAINS + IN DIFFICULTIES, BUT SHOWS GREAT RESIGNATION UNDER HIS MISFORTUNES. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0007"> CHAPTER VII. IN WHICH MORGIANA ADVANCES TOWARDS + FAME AND HONOUR, AND IN WHICH SEVERAL GREAT LITERARY CHARACTERS MAKE + THEIR APPEARANCE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0008"> CHAPTER VIII. IN WHICH MR. WALKER SHOWS GREAT + PRUDENCE AND FORBEARANCE. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0011"> <b>MR. AND MRS. FRANK BERRY.</b> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0009"> CHAPTER I. THE FIGHT AT SLAUGHTER HOUSE. </a> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2HCH0010"> CHAPTER II. THE COMBAT AT VERSAILLES. </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_4_0014"> <b>DENNIS HAGGARTY'S WIFE.</b> </a> + </p> + <p> + <br /> + </p> + <p class="toc"> + <a href="#link2H_FOOT"> FOOTNOTES </a> + </p> + </blockquote> + <p> + <br /> <br /> + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + <br /> <br /> <a name="link2H_4_0001" id="link2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h1> + MEN'S WIVES, BY G. FITZ-BOODLE + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0002" id="link2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h1> + THE RAVENSWING + </h1> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0001" id="link2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. WHICH IS ENTIRELY INTRODUCTORY—CONTAINS AN ACCOUNT OF + MISS CRUMP, HER SUITORS, AND HER FAMILY CIRCLE. + </h2> + <p> + In a certain quiet and sequestered nook of the retired village of London—perhaps + in the neighbourhood of Berkeley Square, or at any rate somewhere near + Burlington Gardens—there was once a house of entertainment called + the “Bootjack Hotel.” Mr. Crump, the landlord, had, in the outset of life, + performed the duties of Boots in some inn even more frequented than his + own, and, far from being ashamed of his origin, as many persons are in the + days of their prosperity, had thus solemnly recorded it over the + hospitable gate of his hotel. + </p> + <p> + Crump married Miss Budge, so well known to the admirers of the festive + dance on the other side of the water as Miss Delancy; and they had one + daughter, named Morgiana, after that celebrated part in the “Forty + Thieves” which Miss Budge performed with unbounded applause both at the + “Surrey” and “The Wells.” Mrs. Crump sat in a little bar, profusely + ornamented with pictures of the dancers of all ages, from Hillisberg, + Rose, Parisot, who plied the light fantastic toe in 1805, down to the + Sylphides of our day. There was in the collection a charming portrait of + herself, done by De Wilde; she was in the dress of Morgiana, and in the + act of pouring, to very slow music, a quantity of boiling oil into one of + the forty jars. In this sanctuary she sat, with black eyes, black hair, a + purple face and a turban, and morning, noon, or night, as you went into + the parlour of the hotel, there was Mrs. Crump taking tea (with a little + something in it), looking at the fashions, or reading Cumberland's + “British Theatre.” The Sunday Times was her paper, for she voted the + Dispatch, that journal which is taken in by most ladies of her profession, + to be vulgar and Radical, and loved the theatrical gossip in which the + other mentioned journal abounds. + </p> + <p> + The fact is, that the “Royal Bootjack,” though a humble, was a very + genteel house; and a very little persuasion would induce Mr. Crump, as he + looked at his own door in the sun, to tell you that he had himself once + drawn off with that very bootjack the top-boots of His Royal Highness the + Prince of Wales and the first gentleman in Europe. While, then, the houses + of entertainment in the neighbourhood were loud in their pretended Liberal + politics, the “Bootjack” stuck to the good old Conservative line, and was + only frequented by such persons as were of that way of thinking. There + were two parlours, much accustomed, one for the gentlemen of the + shoulder-knot, who came from the houses of their employers hard by; + another for some “gents who used the 'ouse,” as Mrs. Crump would say + (Heaven bless her!) in her simple Cockniac dialect, and who formed a + little club there. + </p> + <p> + I forgot to say that while Mrs. C. was sipping her eternal tea or washing + up her endless blue china, you might often hear Miss Morgiana employed at + the little red-silk cottage piano, singing, “Come where the haspens + quiver,” or “Bonny lad, march over hill and furrow,” or “My art and lute,” + or any other popular piece of the day. And the dear girl sang with very + considerable skill, too, for she had a fine loud voice, which, if not + always in tune, made up for that defect by its great energy and activity; + and Morgiana was not content with singing the mere tune, but gave every + one of the roulades, flourishes, and ornaments as she heard them at the + theatres by Mrs. Humby, Mrs. Waylett, or Madame Vestris. The girl had a + fine black eye like her mamma, a grand enthusiasm for the stage, as every + actor's child will have, and, if the truth must be known, had appeared + many and many a time at the theatre in Catherine Street, in minor parts + first, and then in Little Pickle, in Desdemona, in Rosina, and in Miss + Foote's part where she used to dance: I have not the name to my hand, but + think it is Davidson. Four times in the week, at least, her mother and she + used to sail off at night to some place of public amusement, for Mrs. + Crump had a mysterious acquaintance with all sorts of theatrical + personages; and the gates of her old haunt “The Wells,” of the “Cobourg” + (by the kind permission of Mrs. Davidge), nay, of the “Lane” and the + “Market” themselves, flew open before her “Open sesame,” as the robbers' + door did to her colleague, Ali Baba (Hornbuckle), in the operatic piece in + which she was so famous. + </p> + <p> + Beer was Mr. Crump's beverage, diversified by a little gin, in the + evenings; and little need be said of this gentleman, except that he + discharged his duties honourably, and filled the president's chair at the + club as completely as it could possibly be filled; for he could not even + sit in it in his greatcoat, so accurately was the seat adapted to him. His + wife and daughter, perhaps, thought somewhat slightingly of him, for he + had no literary tastes, and had never been at a theatre since he took his + bride from one. He was valet to Lord Slapper at the time, and certain it + is that his lordship set him up in the “Bootjack,” and that stories HAD + been told. But what are such to you or me? Let bygones be bygones; Mrs. + Crump was quite as honest as her neighbours, and Miss had five hundred + pounds to be paid down on the day of her wedding. + </p> + <p> + Those who know the habits of the British tradesman are aware that he has + gregarious propensities like any lord in the land; that he loves a joke, + that he is not averse to a glass; that after the day's toil he is happy to + consort with men of his degree; and that as society is not so far advanced + among us as to allow him to enjoy the comforts of splendid club-houses, + which are open to many persons with not a tenth part of his pecuniary + means, he meets his friends in the cosy tavern parlour, where a neat + sanded floor, a large Windsor chair, and a glass of hot something and + water, make him as happy as any of the clubmen in their magnificent + saloons. + </p> + <p> + At the “Bootjack” was, as we have said, a very genteel and select society, + called the “Kidney Club,” from the fact that on Saturday evenings a little + graceful supper of broiled kidneys was usually discussed by the members of + the club. Saturday was their grand night; not but that they met on all + other nights in the week when inclined for festivity: and indeed some of + them could not come on Saturdays in the summer having elegant villas in + the suburbs, where they passed the six-and-thirty hours of recreation that + are happily to be found at the end of every week. + </p> + <p> + There was Mr. Balls, the great grocer of South Audley Street, a warm man, + who, they say, had his twenty thousand pounds; Jack Snaffle, of the mews + hard by, a capital fellow for a song; Clinker, the ironmonger: all married + gentlemen, and in the best line of business; Tressle, the undertaker, etc. + No liveries were admitted into the room, as may be imagined, but one or + two select butlers and major-domos joined the circle; for the persons + composing it knew very well how important it was to be on good terms with + these gentlemen and many a time my lord's account would never have been + paid, and my lady's large order never have been given, but for the + conversation which took place at the “Bootjack,” and the friendly + intercourse subsisting between all the members of the society. + </p> + <p> + The tiptop men of the society were two bachelors, and two as fashionable + tradesmen as any in the town: Mr. Woolsey, from Stultz's, of the famous + house of Linsey, Woolsey and Co. of Conduit Street, Tailors; and Mr. + Eglantine, the celebrated perruquier and perfumer of Bond Street, whose + soaps, razors, and patent ventilating scalps are know throughout Europe. + Linsey, the senior partner of the tailors' firm had his handsome mansion + in Regent's Park, drove his buggy, and did little more than lend his name + to the house. Woolsey lived in it, was the working man of the firm, and it + was said that his cut was as magnificent as that of any man in the + profession. Woolsey and Eglantine were rivals in many ways—rivals in + fashion, rivals in wit, and, above all, rivals for the hand of an amiable + young lady whom we have already mentioned, the dark-eyed songstress + Morgiana Crump. They were both desperately in love with her, that was the + truth; and each, in the absence of the other, abused his rival heartily. + Of the hairdresser Woolsey said, that as for Eglantine being his real + name, it was all his (Mr. Woolsey's) eye; that he was in the hands of the + Jews, and his stock and grand shop eaten up by usury. And with regard to + Woolsey, Eglantine remarked, that his pretence of being descended from the + Cardinal was all nonsense; that he was a partner, certainly, in the firm, + but had only a sixteenth share; and that the firm could never get their + moneys in, and had an immense number of bad debts in their books. As is + usual, there was a great deal of truth and a great deal of malice in these + tales; however, the gentlemen were, take them all in all, in a very + fashionable way of business, and had their claims to Miss Morgiana's hand + backed by the parents. Mr. Crump was a partisan of the tailor; while Mrs. + C. was a strong advocate for the claims of the enticing perfumer. + </p> + <p> + Now, it was a curious fact, that these two gentlemen were each in need of + the other's services—Woolsey being afflicted with premature + baldness, or some other necessity for a wig still more fatal—Eglantine + being a very fat man, who required much art to make his figure at all + decent. He wore a brown frock-coat and frogs, and attempted by all sorts + of contrivances to hide his obesity; but Woolsey's remark, that, dress as + he would, he would always look like a snob, and that there was only one + man in England who could make a gentleman of him, went to the perfumer's + soul; and if there was one thing on earth he longed for (not including the + hand of Miss Crump) it was to have a coat from Linsey's, in which costume + he was sure that Morgiana would not resist him. + </p> + <p> + If Eglantine was uneasy about the coat, on the other hand he attacked + Woolsey atrociously on the score of his wig; for though the latter went to + the best makers, he never could get a peruke to sit naturally upon him and + the unhappy epithet of Mr. Wiggins, applied to him on one occasion by the + barber, stuck to him ever after in the club, and made him writhe when it + was uttered. Each man would have quitted the “Kidneys” in disgust long + since, but for the other—for each had an attraction in the place, + and dared not leave the field in possession of his rival. + </p> + <p> + To do Miss Morgiana justice, it must be said, that she did not encourage + one more than another; but as far as accepting eau-de-Cologne and + hair-combs from the perfumer—some opera tickets, a treat to + Greenwich, and a piece of real Genoa velvet for a bonnet (it had + originally been intended for a waistcoat), from the admiring tailor, she + had been equally kind to each, and in return had made each a present of a + lock of her beautiful glossy hair. It was all she had to give, poor girl! + and what could she do but gratify her admirers by this cheap and artless + testimony of her regard? A pretty scene and quarrel took place between the + rivals on the day when they discovered that each was in possession of one + of Morgiana's ringlets. + </p> + <p> + Such, then, were the owners and inmates of the little “Bootjack,” from + whom and which, as this chapter is exceedingly discursive and descriptive, + we must separate the reader for a while, and carry him—it is only + into Bond Street, so no gentleman need be afraid—carry him into Bond + Street, where some other personages are awaiting his consideration. + </p> + <p> + Not far from Mr. Eglantine's shop in Bond Street, stand, as is very well + known, the Windsor Chambers. The West Diddlesex Association (Western + Branch), the British and Foreign Soap Company, the celebrated attorneys + Kite and Levison, have their respective offices here; and as the names of + the other inhabitants of the chambers are not only painted on the walls, + but also registered in Mr. Boyle's “Court Guide,” it is quite unnecessary + that they should be repeated here. Among them, on the entresol (between + the splendid saloons of the Soap Company on the first floor, with their + statue of Britannia presenting a packet of the soap to Europe, Asia, + Africa, and America, and the West Diddlesex Western Branch on the + basement)—lives a gentleman by the name of Mr. Howard Walker. The + brass plate on the door of that gentleman's chambers had the word “Agency” + inscribed beneath his name; and we are therefore at liberty to imagine + that he followed that mysterious occupation. In person Mr. Walker was very + genteel; he had large whiskers, dark eyes (with a slight cast in them), a + cane, and a velvet waistcoat. He was a member of a club; had an admission + to the opera, and knew every face behind the scenes; and was in the habit + of using a number of French phrases in his conversation, having picked up + a smattering of that language during a residence “on the Continent;” in + fact, he had found it very convenient at various times of his life to + dwell in the city of Boulogne, where he acquired a knowledge of smoking, + ecarte, and billiards, which was afterwards of great service to him. He + knew all the best tables in town, and the marker at Hunt's could only give + him ten. He had some fashionable acquaintances too, and you might see him + walking arm-in-arm with such gentlemen as my Lord Vauxhall, the Marquess + of Billingsgate, or Captain Buff; and at the same time nodding to young + Moses, the dandy bailiff; or Loder, the gambling-house keeper; or + Aminadab, the cigar-seller in the Quadrant. Sometimes he wore a pair of + moustaches, and was called Captain Walker; grounding his claim to that + title upon the fact of having once held a commission in the service of Her + Majesty the Queen of Portugal. It scarcely need be said that he had been + through the Insolvent Court many times. But to those who did not know his + history intimately there was some difficulty in identifying him with the + individual who had so taken the benefit of the law, inasmuch as in his + schedule his name appeared as Hooker Walker, wine-merchant, + commission-agent, music-seller, or what not. The fact is, that though he + preferred to call himself Howard, Hooker was his Christian name, and it + had been bestowed on him by his worthy old father, who was a clergyman, + and had intended his son for that profession. But as the old gentleman + died in York gaol, where he was a prisoner for debt, he was never able to + put his pious intentions with regard to his son into execution; and the + young fellow (as he was wont with many oaths to assert) was thrown on his + own resources, and became a man of the world at a very early age. + </p> + <p> + What Mr. Howard Walker's age was at the time of the commencement of this + history, and, indeed, for an indefinite period before or afterwards, it is + impossible to determine. If he were eight-and-twenty, as he asserted + himself, Time had dealt hardly with him: his hair was thin, there were + many crows'-feet about his eyes, and other signs in his countenance of the + progress of decay. If, on the contrary, he were forty, as Sam Snaffle + declared, who himself had misfortunes in early life, and vowed he knew Mr. + Walker in Whitecross Street Prison in 1820, he was a very young-looking + person considering his age. His figure was active and slim, his leg neat, + and he had not in his whiskers a single white hair. + </p> + <p> + It must, however, be owned that he used Mr. Eglantine's Regenerative + Unction (which will make your whiskers as black as your boot), and, in + fact, he was a pretty constant visitor at that gentleman's emporium; + dealing with him largely for soaps and articles of perfumery, which he had + at an exceedingly low rate. Indeed, he was never known to pay Mr. + Eglantine one single shilling for those objects of luxury, and, having + them on such moderate terms, was enabled to indulge in them pretty + copiously. Thus Mr. Walker was almost as great a nosegay as Mr. Eglantine + himself: his handkerchief was scented with verbena, his hair with + jessamine, and his coat had usually a fine perfume of cigars, which + rendered his presence in a small room almost instantaneously remarkable. I + have described Mr. Walker thus accurately, because, in truth, it is more + with characters than with astounding events that this little history + deals, and Mr. Walker is one of the principal of our dramatis personae. + </p> + <p> + And so, having introduced Mr. W., we will walk over with him to Mr. + Eglantine's emporium, where that gentleman is in waiting, too, to have his + likeness taken. + </p> + <p> + There is about an acre of plate glass under the Royal arms on Mr. + Eglantine's shop-window; and at night, when the gas is lighted, and the + washballs are illuminated, and the lambent flame plays fitfully over + numberless bottles of vari-coloured perfumes—now flashes on a case + of razors, and now lightens up a crystal vase, containing a hundred + thousand of his patent tooth-brushes—the effect of the sight may be + imagined. You don't suppose that he is a creature who has those odious, + simpering wax figures in his window, that are called by the vulgar + dummies? He is above such a wretched artifice; and it is my belief that he + would as soon have his own head chopped off, and placed as a trunkless + decoration to his shop-window, as allow a dummy to figure there. On one + pane you read in elegant gold letters “Eglantinia”—'tis his essence + for the handkerchief; on the other is written “Regenerative Unction”—'tis + his invaluable pomatum for the hair. + </p> + <p> + There is no doubt about it: Eglantine's knowledge of his profession + amounts to genius. He sells a cake of soap for seven shillings, for which + another man would not get a shilling, and his tooth-brushes go off like + wildfire at half-a-guinea apiece. If he has to administer rouge or + pearl-powder to ladies, he does it with a mystery and fascination which + there is no resisting, and the ladies believe there are no cosmetics like + his. He gives his wares unheard-of names, and obtains for them sums + equally prodigious. He CAN dress hair—that is a fact—as few + men in this age can; and has been known to take twenty pounds in a single + night from as many of the first ladies of England when ringlets were in + fashion. The introduction of bands, he says, made a difference of two + thousand pounds a year in his income; and if there is one thing in the + world he hates and despises, it is a Madonna. “I'm not,” says he, “a + tradesman—I'm a HARTIST” (Mr. Eglantine was born in London)—“I'm + a hartist; and show me a fine 'ead of air, and I'll dress it for nothink.” + He vows that it was his way of dressing Mademoiselle Sontag's hair, that + caused the count her husband to fall in love with her; and he has a lock + of it in a brooch, and says it was the finest head he ever saw, except + one, and that was Morgiana Crump's. + </p> + <p> + With his genius and his position in the profession, how comes it, then, + that Mr. Eglantine was not a man of fortune, as many a less clever has + been? If the truth must be told, he loved pleasure, and was in the hands + of the Jews. He had been in business twenty years: he had borrowed a + thousand pounds to purchase his stock and shop; and he calculated that he + had paid upwards of twenty thousand pounds for the use of the one + thousand, which was still as much due as on the first day when he entered + business. He could show that he had received a thousand dozen of champagne + from the disinterested money-dealers with whom he usually negotiated his + paper. He had pictures all over his “studios,” which had been purchased in + the same bargains. If he sold his goods at an enormous price, he paid for + them at a rate almost equally exorbitant. There was not an article in his + shop but came to him through his Israelite providers; and in the very + front shop itself sat a gentleman who was the nominee of one of them, and + who was called Mr. Mossrose. He was there to superintend the cash account, + and to see that certain instalments were paid to his principals, according + to certain agreements entered into between Mr. Eglantine and them. + </p> + <p> + Having that sort of opinion of Mr. Mossrose which Damocles may have had of + the sword which hung over his head, of course Mr. Eglantine hated his + foreman profoundly. “HE an artist,” would the former gentleman exclaim; + “why, he's only a disguised bailiff! Mossrose indeed! The chap's name's + Amos, and he sold oranges before he came here.” Mr. Mossrose, on his side, + utterly despised Mr. Eglantine, and looked forward to the day when he + would become the proprietor of the shop, and take Eglantine for a foreman; + and then it would HIS turn to sneer and bully, and ride the high horse. + </p> + <p> + Thus it will be seen that there was a skeleton in the great perfumer's + house, as the saying is: a worm in his heart's core, and though to all + appearance prosperous, he was really in an awkward position. + </p> + <p> + What Mr. Eglantine's relations were with Mr. Walker may be imagined from + the following dialogue which took place between the two gentlemen at five + o'clock one summer's afternoon, when Mr. Walker, issuing from his + chambers, came across to the perfumer's shop:— + </p> + <p> + “Is Eglantine at home, Mr. Mossrose?” said Walker to the foreman, who sat + in the front shop. + </p> + <p> + “Don't know—go and look” (meaning go and be hanged); for Mossrose + also hated Mr. Walker. + </p> + <p> + “If you're uncivil I'll break your bones, Mr. AMOS,” says Mr. Walker, + sternly. + </p> + <p> + “I should like to see you try, Mr. HOOKER Walker,” replies the undaunted + shopman; on which the Captain, looking several tremendous canings at him, + walked into the back room or “studio.” + </p> + <p> + “How are you, Tiny my buck?” says the Captain. “Much doing?” + </p> + <p> + “Not a soul in town. I 'aven't touched the hirons all day,” replied Mr. + Eglantine, in rather a desponding way. + </p> + <p> + “Well, just get them ready now, and give my whiskers a turn. I'm going to + dine with Billingsgate and some out-and-out fellows at the 'Regent,' and + so, my lad, just do your best.” + </p> + <p> + “I can't,” says Mr. Eglantine. “I expect ladies, Captain, every minute.” + </p> + <p> + “Very good; I don't want to trouble such a great man, I'm sure. Good-bye, + and let me hear from you THIS DAY WEEK, Mr. Eglantine.” “This day week” + meant that at seven days from that time a certain bill accepted by Mr. + Eglantine would be due, and presented for payment. + </p> + <p> + “Don't be in such a hurry, Captain—do sit down. I'll curl you in one + minute. And, I say, won't the party renew?” + </p> + <p> + “Impossible—it's the third renewal.” + </p> + <p> + “But I'll make the thing handsome to you;—indeed I will.” + </p> + <p> + “How much?” + </p> + <p> + “Will ten pounds do the business?” + </p> + <p> + “What! offer my principal ten pounds? Are you mad, Eglantine?—A + little more of the iron to the left whisker.” + </p> + <p> + “No, I meant for commission.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, I'll see if that will do. The party I deal with, Eglantine, has + power, I know, and can defer the matter no doubt. As for me, you know, + I'VE nothing to do in the affair, and only act as a friend between you and + him. I give you my honour and soul, I do.” + </p> + <p> + “I know you do, my dear sir.” The last two speeches were lies. The + perfumer knew perfectly well that Mr. Walker would pocket the ten pounds; + but he was too easy to care for paying it, and too timid to quarrel with + such a powerful friend. And he had on three different occasions already + paid ten pounds' fine for the renewal of the bill in question, all of + which bonuses he knew went to his friend Mr. Walker. + </p> + <p> + Here, too, the reader will perceive what was, in part, the meaning of the + word “Agency” on Mr. Walker's door. He was a go-between between + money-lenders and borrowers in this world, and certain small sums always + remained with him in the course of the transaction. He was an agent for + wine, too; an agent for places to be had through the influence of great + men; he was an agent for half-a-dozen theatrical people, male and female, + and had the interests of the latter especially, it was said, at heart. + Such were a few of the means by which this worthy gentleman contrived to + support himself, and if, as he was fond of high living, gambling, and + pleasures of all kinds, his revenue was not large enough for his + expenditure—why, he got into debt, and settled his bills that way. + He was as much at home in the Fleet as in Pall Mall, and quite as happy in + the one place as in the other. “That's the way I take things,” would this + philosopher say. “If I've money, I spend; if I've credit, I borrow; if I'm + dunned, I whitewash; and so you can't beat me down.” Happy elasticity of + temperament! I do believe that, in spite of his misfortunes and precarious + position, there was no man in England whose conscience was more calm, and + whose slumbers were more tranquil, than those of Captain Howard Walker. + </p> + <p> + As he was sitting under the hands of Mr. Eglantine, he reverted to “the + ladies,” whom the latter gentleman professed to expect; said he was a sly + dog, a lucky ditto, and asked him if the ladies were handsome. + </p> + <p> + Eglantine thought there could be no harm in telling a bouncer to a + gentleman with whom he was engaged in money transactions; and so, to give + the Captain an idea of his solvency and the brilliancy of his future + prospects, “Captain,” said he, “I've got a hundred and eighty pounds out + with you, which you were obliging enough to negotiate for me. Have I, or + have I not, two bills out to that amount?” + </p> + <p> + “Well, my good fellow, you certainly have; and what then?” + </p> + <p> + “What then? Why, I bet you five pounds to one, that in three months those + bills are paid.” + </p> + <p> + “Done! five pounds to one. I take it.” + </p> + <p> + This sudden closing with him made the perfumer rather uneasy; but he was + not to pay for three months, and so he said, “Done!” too, and went on: + “What would you say if your bills were paid?” + </p> + <p> + “Not mine; Pike's.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, if Pike's were paid; and the Minories' man paid, and every single + liability I have cleared off; and that Mossrose flung out of winder, and + me and my emporium as free as hair?” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say so? Is Queen Anne dead? and has she left you a fortune? or + what's the luck in the wind now?” + </p> + <p> + “It's better than Queen Anne, or anybody dying. What should you say to + seeing in that very place where Mossrose now sits (hang him!)—seeing + the FINEST HEAD OF 'AIR NOW IN EUROPE? A woman, I tell you—a slap-up + lovely woman, who, I'm proud to say, will soon be called Mrs. Heglantine, + and will bring me five thousand pounds to her fortune.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, Tiny, this IS good luck indeed. I say, you'll be able to do a bill + or two for ME then, hay? You won't forget an old friend?” + </p> + <p> + “That I won't. I shall have a place at my board for you, Capting; and + many's the time I shall 'ope to see you under that ma'ogany.” + </p> + <p> + “What will the French milliner say? She'll hang herself for despair, + Eglantine.” + </p> + <p> + “Hush! not a word about 'ER. I've sown all my wild oats, I tell you. + Eglantine is no longer the gay young bachelor, but the sober married man. + I want a heart to share the feelings of mine. I want repose. I'm not so + young as I was: I feel it.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! you are—you are—” + </p> + <p> + “Well, but I sigh for an 'appy fireside; and I'll have it.” + </p> + <p> + “And give up that club which you belong to, hay?” + </p> + <p> + “'The Kidneys?' Oh! of course, no married man should belong to such + places: at least, I'LL not; and I'll have my kidneys broiled at home. But + be quiet, Captain, if you please; the ladies appointed to—” + </p> + <p> + “And is it THE lady you expect? eh, you rogue!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, get along. It's her and her Ma.” + </p> + <p> + But Mr. Walker determined he wouldn't get along, and would see these + lovely ladies before he stirred. + </p> + <p> + The operation on Mr. Walker's whiskers being concluded, he was arranging + his toilet before the glass in an agreeable attitude: his neck out, his + enormous pin settled in his stock to his satisfaction, his eyes + complacently directed towards the reflection of his left and favourite + whisker. Eglantine was laid on a settee, in an easy, though melancholy + posture; he was twiddling the tongs with which he had just operated on + Walker with one hand, and his right-hand ringlet with the other, and he + was thinking—thinking of Morgiana; and then of the bill which was to + become due on the 16th; and then of a light-blue velvet waistcoat with + gold sprigs, in which he looked very killing, and so was trudging round in + his little circle of loves, fears, and vanities. “Hang it!” Mr. Walker was + thinking, “I AM a handsome man. A pair of whiskers like mine are not met + with every day. If anybody can see that my tuft is dyed, may I be—” + When the door was flung open, and a large lady with a curl on her + forehead, yellow shawl, a green-velvet bonnet with feathers, half-boots, + and a drab gown with tulips and other large exotics painted on it—when, + in a word, Mrs. Crump and her daughter bounced into the room. + </p> + <p> + “Here we are, Mr. E,” cries Mrs. Crump, in a gay folatre confidential air. + “But law! there's a gent in the room!” + </p> + <p> + “Don't mind me, ladies,” said the gent alluded to, in his fascinating way. + “I'm a friend of Eglantine's; ain't I, Egg? a chip of the old block, hay?” + </p> + <p> + “THAT you are,” said the perfumer, starting up. + </p> + <p> + “An 'air-dresser?” asked Mrs. Crump. “Well, I thought he was; there's + something, Mr. E., in gentlemen of your profession so exceeding, so + uncommon distangy.” + </p> + <p> + “Madam, you do me proud,” replied the gentleman so complimented, with + great presence of mind. “Will you allow me to try my skill upon you, or + upon Miss, your lovely daughter? I'm not so clever as Eglantine, but no + bad hand, I assure you.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, Captain,” interrupted the perfumer, who was uncomfortable + somehow at the rencontre between the Captain and the object of his + affection. “HE'S not in the profession, Mrs. C. This is my friend Captain + Walker, and proud I am to call him my friend.” And then aside to Mrs. C., + “One of the first swells on town, ma'am—a regular tiptopper.” + </p> + <p> + Humouring the mistake which Mrs. Crump had just made, Mr. Walker thrust + the curling-irons into the fire in a minute, and looked round at the + ladies with such a fascinating grace, that both, now made acquainted with + his quality, blushed and giggled, and were quite pleased. Mamma looked at + 'Gina, and 'Gina looked at mamma; and then mamma gave 'Gina a little blow + in the region of her little waist, and then both burst out laughing, as + ladies will laugh, and as, let us trust, they may laugh for ever and ever. + Why need there be a reason for laughing? Let us laugh when we are laughy, + as we sleep when we are sleepy. And so Mrs. Crump and her demoiselle + laughed to their hearts' content; and both fixed their large shining black + eyes repeatedly on Mr. Walker. + </p> + <p> + “I won't leave the room,” said he, coming forward with the heated iron in + his hand, and smoothing it on the brown paper with all the dexterity of a + professor (for the fact is, Mr. W. every morning curled his own immense + whiskers with the greatest skill and care)—“I won't leave the room, + Eglantine my boy. My lady here took me for a hairdresser, and so, you + know, I've a right to stay.” + </p> + <p> + “He can't stay,” said Mrs. Crump, all of a sudden, blushing as red as a + peony. + </p> + <p> + “I shall have on my peignoir, Mamma,” said Miss, looking at the gentleman, + and then dropping down her eyes and blushing too. + </p> + <p> + “But he can't stay, 'Gina, I tell you: do you think that I would, before a + gentleman, take off my—” + </p> + <p> + “Mamma means her FRONT!” said Miss, jumping up, and beginning to laugh + with all her might; at which the honest landlady of the “Bootjack,” who + loved a joke, although at her own expense, laughed too, and said that no + one, except Mr. Crump and Mr. Eglantine, had ever seen her without the + ornament in question. + </p> + <p> + “DO go now, you provoking thing, you!” continued Miss C. to Mr. Walker; “I + wish to hear the hoverture, and it's six o'clock now, and we shall never + be done against then:” but the way in which Morgiana said “DO go,” clearly + indicated “don't” to the perspicacious mind of Mr. Walker. + </p> + <p> + “Perhaps you 'ad better go,” continued Mr. Eglantine, joining in this + sentiment, and being, in truth, somewhat uneasy at the admiration which + his “swell friend” excited. + </p> + <p> + “I'll see you hanged first, Eggy my boy! Go I won't, until these ladies + have had their hair dressed: didn't you yourself tell me that Miss Crump's + was the most beautiful hair in Europe? And do you think that I'll go away + without seeing it? No, here I stay.” + </p> + <p> + “You naughty wicked odious provoking man!” said Miss Crump. But, at the + same time, she took off her bonnet, and placed it on one of the side + candlesticks of Mr. Eglantine's glass (it was a black-velvet bonnet, + trimmed with sham lace, and with a wreath of nasturtiums, convolvuluses, + and wallflowers within), and then said, “Give me the peignoir, Mr. + Archibald, if you please;” and Eglantine, who would do anything for her + when she called him Archibald, immediately produced that garment, and + wrapped round the delicate shoulders of the lady, who, removing a sham + gold chain which she wore on her forehead, two brass hair-combs set with + glass rubies, and the comb which kept her back hair together—removing + them, I say, and turning her great eyes towards the stranger, and giving + her head a shake, down let tumble such a flood of shining waving heavy + glossy jetty hair, as would have done Mr. Rowland's heart good to see. It + tumbled down Miss Morgiana's back, and it tumbled over her shoulders, it + tumbled over the chair on which she sat, and from the midst of it her + jolly bright-eyed rosy face beamed out with a triumphant smile, which + said, “A'n't I now the most angelic being you ever saw?” + </p> + <p> + “By Heaven! it's the most beautiful thing I ever saw!” cried Mr. Walker, + with undisguised admiration. + </p> + <p> + “ISN'T it?” said Mrs. Crump, who made her daughter's triumph her own. + “Heigho! when I acted at 'The Wells' in 1820, before that dear girl was + born, <i>I</i> had such a head of hair as that, to a shade, sir, to a + shade. They called me Ravenswing on account of it. I lost my head of hair + when that dear child was born, and I often say to her, 'Morgiana, you came + into the world to rob your mother of her 'air.' Were you ever at 'The + Wells,' sir, in 1820? Perhaps you recollect Miss Delancy? I am that Miss + Delancy. Perhaps you recollect,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, + By the light of the star, + On the blue river's brink, + I heard a guitar. + + “'I heard a guitar, + On the blue waters clear, + And knew by its mu-u-sic, + That Selim was near!' +</pre> + <p> + You remember that in the 'Bagdad Bells'? Fatima, Delancy; Selim, Benlomond + (his real name was Bunnion: and he failed, poor fellow, in the public line + afterwards). It was done to the tambourine, and dancing between each + verse,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “'Tink-a-tink, tink-a-tink, + How the soft music swells, + And I hear the soft clink + Of the minaret bells! + + “'Tink-a—'” + </pre> + <p> + “Oh!” here cried Miss Crump, as if in exceeding pain (and whether Mr. + Eglantine had twitched, pulled, or hurt any one individual hair of that + lovely head I don't know)—“Oh, you are killing me, Mr. Eglantine!” + </p> + <p> + And with this mamma, who was in her attitude, holding up the end of her + boa as a visionary tambourine, and Mr. Walker, who was looking at her, and + in his amusement at the mother's performances had almost forgotten the + charms of the daughter—both turned round at once, and looked at her + with many expressions of sympathy, while Eglantine, in a voice of + reproach, said, “KILLED you, Morgiana! I kill YOU?” + </p> + <p> + “I'm better now,” said the young lady, with a smile—“I'm better, Mr. + Archibald, now.” And if the truth must be told, no greater coquette than + Miss Morgiana existed in all Mayfair—no, not among the most + fashionable mistresses of the fashionable valets who frequented the + “Bootjack.” She believed herself to be the most fascinating creature that + the world ever produced; she never saw a stranger but she tried these + fascinations upon him; and her charms of manner and person were of that + showy sort which is most popular in this world, where people are wont to + admire most that which gives them the least trouble to see; and so you + will find a tulip of a woman to be in fashion when a little humble violet + or daisy of creation is passed over without remark. Morgiana was a tulip + among women, and the tulip fanciers all came flocking round her. + </p> + <p> + Well, the said “Oh” and “I'm better now, Mr. Archibald,” thereby succeeded + in drawing everybody's attention to her lovely self. By the latter words + Mr. Eglantine was specially inflamed; he glanced at Mr. Walker, and said, + “Capting! didn't I tell you she was a CREECHER? See her hair, sir: it's as + black and as glossy as satting. It weighs fifteen pound, that hair, sir; + and I wouldn't let my apprentice—that blundering Mossrose, for + instance (hang him!)—I wouldn't let anyone but myself dress that + hair for five hundred guineas! Ah, Miss Morgiana, remember that you MAY + ALWAYS have Eglantine to dress your hair!—remember that, that's + all.” And with this the worthy gentleman began rubbing delicately a little + of the Eglantinia into those ambrosial locks, which he loved with all the + love of a man and an artist. + </p> + <p> + And as for Morgiana showing her hair, I hope none of my readers will + entertain a bad opinion of the poor girl for doing so. Her locks were her + pride; she acted at the private theatre “hair parts,” where she could + appear on purpose to show them in a dishevelled state; and that her + modesty was real, and not affected may be proved by the fact that when Mr. + Walker, stepping up in the midst of Eglantine's last speech, took hold of + a lock of her hair very gently with his hand, she cried “Oh!” and started + with all her might. And Mr. Eglantine observed very gravely, “Capting! + Miss Crump's hair is to be seen and not to be touched, if you please.” + </p> + <p> + “No more it is, Mr. Eglantine!” said her mamma. “And now, as it's come to + my turn, I beg the gentleman will be so obliging as to go.” + </p> + <p> + “MUST I?” cried Mr. Walker; and as it was half-past six, and he was + engaged to dinner at the “Regent Club,” and as he did not wish to make + Eglantine jealous, who evidently was annoyed by his staying, he took his + hat just as Miss Crump's coiffure was completed, and saluting her and her + mamma, left the room. + </p> + <p> + “A tip-top swell, I can assure you,” said Eglantine, nodding after him: “a + regular bang-up chap, and no MISTAKE. Intimate with the Marquess of + Billingsgate, and Lord Vauxhall, and that set.” + </p> + <p> + “He's very genteel,” said Mrs. Crump. + </p> + <p> + “Law! I'm sure I think nothing of him,” said Morgiana. + </p> + <p> + And Captain Walker walked towards his club, meditating on the beauties of + Morgiana. “What hair,” said he, “what eyes the girl has! they're as big as + billiard-balls; and five thousand pounds. Eglantine's in luck! five + thousand pounds—she can't have it, it's impossible!” + </p> + <p> + No sooner was Mrs. Crump's front arranged, during the time of which + operation Morgiana sat in perfect contentment looking at the last French + fashions in the Courrier des Dames, and thinking how her pink satin slip + would dye, and make just such a mantilla as that represented in the + engraving—no sooner was Mrs. Crump's front arranged, than both + ladies, taking leave of Mr. Eglantine, tripped back to the “Bootjack + Hotel” in the neighbourhood, where a very neat green fly was already in + waiting, the gentleman on the box of which (from a livery-stable in the + neighbourhood) gave a knowing touch to his hat, and a salute with his + whip, to the two ladies, as they entered the tavern. + </p> + <p> + “Mr. W.'s inside,” said the man—a driver from Mr. Snaffle's + establishment; “he's been in and out this score of times, and looking down + the street for you.” And in the house, in fact, was Mr. Woolsey, the + tailor, who had hired the fly, and was engaged to conduct the ladies that + evening to the play. + </p> + <p> + It was really rather too bad to think that Miss Morgiana, after going to + one lover to have her hair dressed, should go with another to the play; + but such is the way with lovely woman! Let her have a dozen admirers, and + the dear coquette will exercise her power upon them all: and as a lady, + when she has a large wardrobe, and a taste for variety in dress, will + appear every day in a different costume, so will the young and giddy + beauty wear her lovers, encouraging now the black whiskers, now smiling on + the brown, now thinking that the gay smiling rattle of an admirer becomes + her very well, and now adopting the sad sentimental melancholy one, + according as her changeful fancy prompts her. Let us not be too angry with + these uncertainties and caprices of beauty; and depend on it that, for the + most part, those females who cry out loudest against the flightiness of + their sisters, and rebuke their undue encouragement of this man or that, + would do as much themselves if they had the chance, and are constant, as I + am to my coat just now, because I have no other. + </p> + <p> + “Did you see Doubleyou, 'Gina dear?” said her mamma, addressing that young + lady. “He's in the bar with your Pa, and has his military coat with the + king's buttons, and looks like an officer.” + </p> + <p> + This was Mr. Woolsey's style, his great aim being to look like an army + gent, for many of whom he in his capacity of tailor made those splendid + red and blue coats which characterise our military. As for the royal + button, had not he made a set of coats for his late Majesty, George IV.? + and he would add, when he narrated this circumstance, “Sir, Prince Blucher + and Prince Swartzenberg's measure's in the house now; and what's more, + I've cut for Wellington.” I believe he would have gone to St. Helena to + make a coat for Napoleon, so great was his ardour. He wore a blue-black + wig, and his whiskers were of the same hue. He was brief and stern in + conversations; and he always went to masquerades and balls in a + field-marshal's uniform. + </p> + <p> + “He looks really quite the thing to-night,” continued Mrs. Crump. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” said 'Gina; “but he's such an odious wig, and the dye of his + whiskers always comes off on his white gloves.” + </p> + <p> + “Everybody has not their own hair, love,” continued Mrs. Crump with a + sigh; “but Eglantine's is beautiful.” + </p> + <p> + “Every hairdresser's is,” answered Morgiana, rather contemptuously; “but + what I can't bear is that their fingers is always so very fat and pudgy.” + </p> + <p> + In fact, something had gone wrong with the fair Morgiana. Was it that she + had but little liking for the one pretender or the other? Was it that + young Glauber, who acted Romeo in the private theatricals, was far younger + and more agreeable than either? Or was it, that seeing a REAL GENTLEMAN, + such as Mr. Walker, with whom she had had her first interview, she felt + more and more the want of refinement in her other declared admirers? + Certain, however, it is, that she was very reserved all the evening, in + spite of the attentions of Mr. Woolsey; that she repeatedly looked round + at the box-door, as if she expected someone to enter; and that she partook + of only a very few oysters, indeed, out of the barrel which the gallant + tailor had sent down to the “Bootjack,” and off which the party supped. + </p> + <p> + “What is it?” said Mr. Woolsey to his ally, Crump, as they sat together + after the retirement of the ladies. “She was dumb all night. She never + once laughed at the farce, nor cried at the tragedy, and you know she + laughs and cries uncommon. She only took half her negus, and not above a + quarter of her beer.” + </p> + <p> + “No more she did!” replied Mr. Crump, very calmly. “I think it must be the + barber as has been captivating her: he dressed her hair for the play.” + </p> + <p> + “Hang him, I'll shoot him!” said Mr. Woolsey. “A fat foolish effeminate + beast like that marry Miss Morgiana? Never! I WILL shoot him. I'll provoke + him next Saturday—I'll tread on his toe—I'll pull his nose.” + </p> + <p> + “No quarrelling at the 'Kidneys!'” answered Crump sternly; “there shall be + no quarrelling in that room as long as I'm in the chair!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, at any rate you'll stand my friend?” + </p> + <p> + “You know I will,” answered the other. “You are honourable, and I like you + better than Eglantine. I trust you more than Eglantine, sir. You're more + of a man than Eglantine, though you ARE a tailor; and I wish with all my + heart you may get Morgiana. Mrs. C. goes the other way, I know: but I tell + you what, women will go their own ways, sir, and Morgy's like her mother + in this point, and depend upon it, Morgy will decide for herself.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Woolsey presently went home, still persisting in his plan for the + assassination of Eglantine. Mr. Crump went to bed very quietly, and snored + through the night in his usual tone. Mr. Eglantine passed some feverish + moments of jealousy, for he had come down to the club in the evening, and + had heard that Morgiana was gone to the play with his rival. And Miss + Morgiana dreamed, of a man who was—must we say it?—exceedingly + like Captain Howard Walker. “Mrs. Captain So-and-so!” thought she. “Oh, I + do love a gentleman dearly!” + </p> + <p> + And about this time, too, Mr. Walker himself came rolling home from the + “Regent,” hiccupping. “Such hair!—such eyebrows!—such eyes! + like b-b-billiard-balls, by Jove!” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0002" id="link2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. IN WHICH MR. WALKER MAKES THREE ATTEMPTS TO ASCERTAIN THE + DWELLING OF MORGIANA. + </h2> + <p> + The day after the dinner at the “Regent Club,” Mr. Walker stepped over to + the shop of his friend the perfumer, where, as usual, the young man, Mr. + Mossrose, was established in the front premises. + </p> + <p> + For some reason or other, the Captain was particularly good-humoured; and, + quite forgetful of the words which had passed between him and Mr. + Eglantine's lieutenant the day before, began addressing the latter with + extreme cordiality. + </p> + <p> + “A good morning to you, Mr. Mossrose,” said Captain Walker. “Why, sir, you + look as fresh as your namesake—you do, indeed, now, Mossrose.” + </p> + <p> + “You look ash yellow ash a guinea,” responded Mr. Mossrose, sulkily. He + thought the Captain was hoaxing him. + </p> + <p> + “My good sir,” replies the other, nothing cast down, “I drank rather too + freely last night.” + </p> + <p> + “The more beast you!” said Mr. Mossrose. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Mossrose; the same to you,” answered the Captain. + </p> + <p> + “If you call me a beast, I'll punch your head off!” answered the young + man, who had much skill in the art which many of his brethren practise. + </p> + <p> + “I didn't, my fine fellow,” replied Walker. “On the contrary, you—” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mean to give me the lie?” broke out the indignant Mossrose, who + hated the agent fiercely, and did not in the least care to conceal his + hate. + </p> + <p> + In fact, it was his fixed purpose to pick a quarrel with Walker, and to + drive him, if possible, from Mr. Eglantine's shop. “Do you mean to give me + the lie, I say, Mr. Hooker Walker?” + </p> + <p> + “For Heaven's sake, Amos, hold your tongue!” exclaimed the Captain, to + whom the name of Hooker was as poison; but at this moment a customer + stepping in, Mr. Amos exchanged his ferocious aspect for a bland grin, and + Mr. Walker walked into the studio. + </p> + <p> + When in Mr. Eglantine's presence, Walker, too, was all smiles in a minute, + sank down on a settee, held out his hand to the perfumer, and began + confidentially discoursing with him. + </p> + <p> + “SUCH a dinner, Tiny my boy,” said he; “such prime fellows to eat it, too! + Billingsgate, Vauxhall, Cinqbars, Buff of the Blues, and half-a-dozen more + of the best fellows in town. And what do you think the dinner cost a head? + I'll wager you'll never guess.” + </p> + <p> + “Was it two guineas a head?—In course I mean without wine,” said the + genteel perfumer. + </p> + <p> + “Guess again!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, was it ten guineas a head? I'll guess any sum you please,” replied + Mr. Eglantine: “for I know that when you NOBS are together, you don't + spare your money. I myself, at the “Star and Garter” at Richmond, once + paid—” + </p> + <p> + “Eighteenpence?” + </p> + <p> + “Heighteenpence, sir!—I paid five-and-thirty shillings per 'ead. I'd + have you to know that I can act as a gentleman as well as any other + gentleman, sir,” answered the perfumer with much dignity. + </p> + <p> + “Well, eighteenpence was what WE paid, and not a rap more, upon my + honour.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, you're joking. The Marquess of Billinsgate dine for + eighteenpence! Why, hang it, if I was a marquess, I'd pay a five-pound + note for my lunch.” + </p> + <p> + “You little know the person, Master Eglantine,” replied the Captain, with + a smile of contemptuous superiority; “you little know the real man of + fashion, my good fellow. Simplicity, sir—simplicity's the + characteristic of the real gentleman, and so I'll tell you what we had for + dinner.” + </p> + <p> + “Turtle and venison, of course:—no nob dines without THEM.” + </p> + <p> + “Psha! we're sick of 'em! We had pea soup and boiled tripe! What do you + think of THAT? We had sprats and herrings, a bullock's heart, a baked + shoulder of mutton and potatoes, pig's-fry and Irish stew. <i>I</i> + ordered the dinner, sir, and got more credit for inventing it than they + ever gave to Ude or Soyer. The Marquess was in ecstasies, the Earl + devoured half a bushel of sprats, and if the Viscount is not laid up with + a surfeit of bullock's heart, my name's not Howard Walker. Billy, as I + call him, was in the chair, and gave my health; and what do you think the + rascal proposed?” + </p> + <p> + “What DID his Lordship propose?” + </p> + <p> + “That every man present should subscribe twopence, and pay for my share of + the dinner. By Jove! it is true, and the money was handed to me in a + pewter-pot, of which they also begged to make me a present. We afterwards + went to Tom Spring's, from Tom's to the 'Finish,' from the 'Finish' to the + watch-house—that is, THEY did—and sent for me, just as I was + getting into bed, to bail them all out.” + </p> + <p> + “They're happy dogs, those young noblemen,” said Mr Eglantine; “nothing + but pleasure from morning till night; no affectation neither—no + HOTURE; but manly downright straightforward good fellows.” + </p> + <p> + “Should you like to meet them, Tiny my boy?” said the Captain. + </p> + <p> + “If I did sir, I hope I should show myself to be gentleman,” answered Mr. + Eglantine. + </p> + <p> + “Well, you SHALL meet them, and Lady Billingsgate shall order her perfumes + at your shop. We are going to dine, next week, all our set, at Mealy-faced + Bob's, and you shall be my guest,” cried the Captain, slapping the + delighted artist on the back. “And now, my boy, tell me how YOU spent the + evening.” + </p> + <p> + “At my club, sir,” answered Mr. Eglantine, blushing rather. + </p> + <p> + “What! not at the play with the lovely black-eyed Miss—What is her + name, Eglantine? + </p> + <p> + “Never mind her name, Captain,” replied Eglantine, partly from prudence + and partly from shame. He had not the heart to own it was Crump, and he + did not care that the Captain should know more of his destined bride. + </p> + <p> + “You wish to keep the five thousand to yourself—eh, you rogue?” + responded the Captain, with a good-humoured air, although exceedingly + mortified; for, to say the truth, he had put himself to the trouble of + telling the above long story of the dinner, and of promising to introduce + Eglantine to the lords, solely that he might elicit from that gentleman's + good-humour some further particulars regarding the young lady with the + billiard-ball eyes. It was for the very same reason, too, that he had made + the attempt at reconciliation with Mr. Mossrose which had just so signally + failed. Nor would the reader, did he know Mr. W. better, at all require to + have the above explanation; but as yet we are only at the first chapter of + his history, and who is to know what the hero's motives can be unless we + take the trouble to explain? + </p> + <p> + Well, the little dignified answer of the worthy dealer in bergamot, “NEVER + MIND HER NAME, CAPTAIN!” threw the gallant Captain quite aback; and though + he sat for a quarter of an hour longer, and was exceedingly kind; and + though he threw out some skilful hints, yet the perfumer was quite + unconquerable; or, rather, he was too frightened to tell: the poor fat + timid easy good-natured gentleman was always the prey of rogues,—panting + and floundering in one rascal's snare or another's. He had the + dissimulation, too, which timid men have; and felt the presence of a + victimiser as a hare does of a greyhound. Now he would be quite still, now + he would double, and now he would run, and then came the end. He knew, by + his sure instinct of fear, that the Captain had, in asking these + questions, a scheme against him, and so he was cautious, and trembled, and + doubted. And oh! how he thanked his stars when Lady Grogmore's chariot + drove up, with the Misses Grogmore, who wanted their hair dressed, and + were going to a breakfast at three o'clock! + </p> + <p> + “I'll look in again, Tiny,” said the Captain, on hearing the summons. + </p> + <p> + “DO, Captain,” said the other: “THANK YOU;” and went into the lady's + studio with a heavy heart. + </p> + <p> + “Get out of the way, you infernal villain!” roared the Captain, with many + oaths, to Lady Grogmore's large footman, with ruby-coloured tights, who + was standing inhaling the ten thousand perfumes of the shop; and the + latter, moving away in great terror, the gallant agent passed out, quite + heedless of the grin of Mr. Mossrose. + </p> + <p> + Walker was in a fury at his want of success, and walked down Bond Street + in a fury. “I WILL know where the girl lives!” swore he. “I'll spend a + five-pound note, by Jove! rather than not know where she lives!” + </p> + <p> + “THAT YOU WOULD—I KNOW YOU WOULD!” said a little grave low voice, + all of a sudden, by his side. “Pooh! what's money to you?” + </p> + <p> + Walker looked down: it was Tom Dale. + </p> + <p> + Who in London did not know little Tom Dale? He had cheeks like an apple, + and his hair curled every morning, and a little blue stock, and always two + new magazines under his arm, and an umbrella and a little brown + frock-coat, and big square-toed shoes with which he went PAPPING down the + street. He was everywhere at once. Everybody met him every day, and he + knew everything that everybody ever did; though nobody ever knew what HE + did. He was, they say, a hundred years old, and had never dined at his own + charge once in those hundred years. He looked like a figure out of a + waxwork, with glassy clear meaningless eyes: he always spoke with a grin; + he knew what you had for dinner the day before he met you, and what + everybody had had for dinner for a century back almost. He was the + receptacle of all the scandal of all the world, from Bond Street to Bread + Street; he knew all the authors, all the actors, all the “notorieties” of + the town, and the private histories of each. That is, he never knew + anything really, but supplied deficiencies of truth and memory with + ready-coined, never-failing lies. He was the most benevolent man in the + universe, and never saw you without telling you everything most cruel of + your neighbour, and when he left you he went to do the same kind turn by + yourself. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! what's money to you, my dear boy?” said little Tom Dale, who had + just come out of Ebers's, where he had been filching an opera-ticket. “You + make it in bushels in the City, you know you do—-in thousands. I saw + you go into Eglantine's. Fine business that; finest in London. + Five-shilling cakes of soap, my dear boy. I can't wash with such. + Thousands a year that man has made—hasn't he?” + </p> + <p> + “Upon my word, Tom, I don't know,” says the Captain. + </p> + <p> + “YOU not know? Don't tell me. You know everything—you agents. You + KNOW he makes five thousand a year—ay, and might make ten, but you + know why he don't.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I don't.” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense. Don't humbug a poor old fellow like me. Jews—Amos—fifty + per cent., ay? Why can't he get his money from a good Christian?” + </p> + <p> + “I HAVE heard something of that sort,” said Walker, laughing. “Why, by + Jove, Tom, you know everything!” + </p> + <p> + “YOU know everything, my dear boy. You know what a rascally trick that + opera creature served him, poor fellow. Cashmere shawls—Storr and + Mortimer's—'Star and Garter.' Much better dine quiet off pea-soup + and sprats—ay? His betters have, as you know very well.” + </p> + <p> + “Pea-soup and sprats! What! have you heard of that already?” + </p> + <p> + “Who bailed Lord Billingsgate, hey, you rogue?” and here Tom gave a + knowing and almost demoniacal grin. “Who wouldn't go to the 'Finish'? Who + had the piece of plate presented to him filled with sovereigns? And you + deserved it, my dear boy—you deserved it. They said it was only + halfpence, but I know better!” and here Tom went off in a cough. + </p> + <p> + “I say, Tom,” cried Walker, inspired with a sudden thought, “you, who know + everything, and are a theatrical man, did you ever know a Miss Delancy, an + actress?” + </p> + <p> + “At 'Sadler's Wells' in '16? Of course I did. Real name was Budge. Lord + Slapper admired her very much, my dear boy. She married a man by the name + of Crump, his Lordship's black footman, and brought him five thousand + pounds; and they keep the 'Bootjack' public-house in Bunker's Buildings, + and they've got fourteen children. Is one of them handsome, eh, you sly + rogue—and is it that which you will give five pounds to know? God + bless you, my dear dear boy. Jones, my dear friend, how are you?” + </p> + <p> + And now, seizing on Jones, Tom Dale left Mr. Walker alone, and proceeded + to pour into Mr. Jones's ear an account of the individual whom he had just + quitted; how he was the best fellow in the world, and Jones KNEW it; how + he was in a fine way of making his fortune; how he had been in the Fleet + many times, and how he was at this moment employed in looking out for a + young lady of whom a certain great marquess (whom Jones knew very well, + too) had expressed an admiration. + </p> + <p> + But for these observations, which he did not hear, Captain Walker, it may + be pronounced, did not care. His eyes brightened up, he marched quickly + and gaily away; and turning into his own chambers opposite Eglantine's, + shop, saluted that establishment with a grin of triumph. “You wouldn't + tell me her name, wouldn't you?” said Mr. Walker. “Well, the luck's with + me now, and here goes.” + </p> + <p> + Two days after, as Mr. Eglantine, with white gloves and a case of + eau-de-Cologne as a present in his pocket, arrived at the “Bootjack + Hotel,” Little Bunker's Buildings, Berkeley Square (for it must out—that + was the place in which Mr. Crump's inn was situated), he paused for a + moment at the threshold of the little house of entertainment, and + listened, with beating heart, to the sound of delicious music that a + well-known voice was uttering within. + </p> + <p> + The moon was playing in silvery brightness down the gutter of the humble + street. A “helper,” rubbing down one of Lady Smigsmag's carriage-horses, + even paused in his whistle to listen to the strain. Mr. Tressle's man, who + had been professionally occupied, ceased his tap-tap upon the coffin which + he was getting in readiness. The greengrocer (there is always a + greengrocer in those narrow streets, and he goes out in white Berlin + gloves as a supernumerary footman) was standing charmed at his little + green gate; the cobbler (there is always a cobbler too) was drunk, as + usual, of evenings, but, with unusual subordination, never sang except + when the refrain of the ditty arrived, when he hiccupped it forth with + tipsy loyalty; and Eglantine leaned against the chequers painted on the + door-side under the name of Crump, and looked at the red illumined curtain + of the bar, and the vast well-known shadow of Mrs. Crump's turban within. + Now and again the shadow of that worthy matron's hand would be seen to + grasp the shadow of a bottle; then the shadow of a cup would rise towards + the turban, and still the strain proceeded. Eglantine, I say, took out his + yellow bandanna, and brushed the beady drops from his brow, and laid the + contents of his white kids on his heart, and sighed with ecstatic + sympathy. The song began,— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Come to the greenwood tree, <a href="#linknote-1" name="linknoteref-1" + id="linknoteref-1">1</a> + Come where the dark woods be, + Dearest, O come with me! + Let us rove—O my love—O my love! + O my-y love! +</pre> + <p> + (Drunken Cobbler without) O my-y love!” + </p> + <p> + “Beast!” says Eglantine. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Come—'tis the moonlight hour, + Dew is on leaf and flower, + Come to the linden bower, + Let us rove—O my love—O my love! + Let us ro-o-ove, lurlurliety; yes, we'll rove, lurlurliety, + Through the gro-o-ove, lurlurliety—lurlurli-e-i-e-i-e-i! +</pre> + <p> + (Cobbler, as usual)— Let us ro-o-ove,” etc. + </p> + <p> + “YOU here?” says another individual, coming clinking up the street, in a + military-cut dress-coat, the buttons whereof shone very bright in the + moonlight. “YOU here, Eglantine?—You're always here.” + </p> + <p> + “Hush, Woolsey,” said Mr. Eglantine to his rival the tailor (for he was + the individual in question); and Woolsey, accordingly, put his back + against the opposite door-post and chequers, so that (with poor + Eglantine's bulk) nothing much thicker than a sheet of paper could pass + out or in. And thus these two amorous caryatides kept guard as the song + continued:— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Dark is the wood, and wide, + Dangers, they say, betide; + But, at my Albert's side, + Nought, I fear, O my love—O my love! + + “Welcome the greenwood tree, + Welcome the forest tree, + Dearest, with thee, with thee, + Nought I fear, O my love—O ma-a-y love!” + </pre> + <p> + Eglantine's fine eyes were filled with tears as Morgiana passionately + uttered the above beautiful words. Little Woolsey's eyes glistened, as he + clenched his fist with an oath, and said, “Show me any singing that can + beat THAT. Cobbler, shut your mouth, or I'll break your head!” + </p> + <p> + But the cobbler, regardless of the threat, continued to perform the + “Lurlurliety” with great accuracy; and when that was ended, both on his + part and Morgiana's, a rapturous knocking of glasses was heard in the + little bar, then a great clapping of hands, and finally somebody shouted + “Brava!” + </p> + <p> + “Brava!” + </p> + <p> + At that word Eglantine turned deadly pale, then gave a start, then a rush + forward, which pinned, or rather cushioned, the tailor against the wall; + then twisting himself abruptly round, he sprang to the door of the bar, + and bounced into that apartment. + </p> + <p> + “HOW ARE YOU, MY NOSEGAY?” exclaimed the same voice which had shouted + “Brava!” It was that of Captain Walker. + </p> + <p> + At ten o'clock the next morning, a gentleman, with the King's button on + his military coat, walked abruptly into Mr. Eglantine's shop, and, turning + on Mr. Mossrose, said, “Tell your master I want to see him.” + </p> + <p> + “He's in his studio,” said Mr. Mossrose. + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, fellow, go and fetch him!” + </p> + <p> + And Mossrose, thinking it must be the Lord Chamberlain, or Doctor + Praetorius at least, walked into the studio, where the perfumer was seated + in a very glossy old silk dressing-gown, his fair hair hanging over his + white face, his double chin over his flaccid whity-brown shirt-collar, his + pea-green slippers on the hob, and on the fire the pot of chocolate which + was simmering for his breakfast. A lazier fellow than poor Eglantine it + would be hard to find; whereas, on the contrary, Woolsey was always up and + brushed, spick-and-span, at seven o'clock; and had gone through his books, + and given out the work for the journeymen, and eaten a hearty breakfast of + rashers of bacon, before Eglantine had put the usual pound of grease to + his hair (his fingers were always as damp and shiny as if he had them in a + pomatum-pot), and arranged his figure for the day. + </p> + <p> + “Here's a gent wants you in the shop,” says Mr. Mossrose, leaving the door + of communication wide open. + </p> + <p> + “Say I'm in bed, Mr. Mossrose; I'm out of sperrets, and really can see + nobody.” + </p> + <p> + “It's someone from Vindsor, I think; he's got the royal button,” says + Mossrose. + </p> + <p> + “It's me—Woolsey,” shouted the little man from the shop. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Eglantine at this jumped up, made a rush to the door leading to his + private apartment, and disappeared in a twinkling. But it must not be + imagined that he fled in order to avoid Mr. Woolsey. He only went away for + one minute just to put on his belt, for he was ashamed to be seen without + it by his rival. + </p> + <p> + This being assumed, and his toilet somewhat arranged, Mr. Woolsey was + admitted into his private room. And Mossrose would have heard every word + of the conversation between those two gentlemen, had not Woolsey, opening + the door, suddenly pounced on the assistant, taken him by the collar, and + told him to disappear altogether into the shop: which Mossrose did; vowing + he would have his revenge. + </p> + <p> + The subject on which Woolsey had come to treat was an important one. “Mr. + Eglantine,” says he, “there's no use disguising from one another that we + are both of us in love with Miss Morgiana, and that our chances up to this + time have been pretty equal. But that Captain whom you introduced, like an + ass as you were—” + </p> + <p> + “An ass, Mr. Woolsey! I'd have you to know, sir, that I'm no more a hass + than you are, sir; and as for introducing the Captain, I did no such + thing.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, he's got a-poaching into our preserves somehow. He's + evidently sweet upon the young woman, and is a more fashionable chap than + either of us two. We must get him out of the house, sir—we must + circumwent him; and THEN, Mr. Eglantine, will be time enough for you and + me to try which is the best man.” + </p> + <p> + “HE the best man?” thought Eglantine; “the little bald unsightly + tailor-creature! A man with no more soul than his smoothing-hiron!” The + perfumer, as may be imagined, did not utter this sentiment aloud, but + expressed himself quite willing to enter into any HAMICABLE arrangement by + which the new candidate for Miss Crump's favour must be thrown over. It + was accordingly agreed between the two gentlemen that they should coalesce + against the common enemy; that they should, by reciting many perfectly + well-founded stories in the Captain's disfavour, influence the minds of + Miss Crump's parents, and of herself, if possible, against this wolf in + sheep's clothing; and that, when they were once fairly rid of him, each + should be at liberty, as before, to prefer his own claim. + </p> + <p> + “I have thought of a subject,” said the little tailor, turning very red, + and hemming and hawing a great deal. “I've thought, I say, of a pint, + which may be resorted to with advantage at the present juncture, and in + which each of us may be useful to the other. An exchange, Mr. Eglantine: + do you take?” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mean an accommodation-bill?” said Eglantine, whose mind ran a good + deal on that species of exchange. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, nonsense, sir! The name of OUR firm is, I flatter myself, a little + more up in the market than some other people's names.” + </p> + <p> + “Do you mean to insult the name of Archibald Eglantine, sir? I'd have you + to know that at three months—” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense!” says Mr. Woolsey, mastering his emotion. “There's no use + a-quarrelling, Mr. E.: we're not in love with each other, I know that. You + wish me hanged, or as good, I know that!” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed I don't, sir!” + </p> + <p> + “You do, sir; I tell you, you do! and what's more, I wish the same to you—transported, + at any rate! But as two sailors, when a boat's a-sinking, though they hate + each other ever so much, will help and bale the boat out; so, sir, let US + act: let us be the two sailors.” + </p> + <p> + “Bail, sir?” said Eglantine, as usual mistaking the drift of the argument. + “I'll bail no man! If you're in difficulties, I think you had better go to + your senior partner, Mr Woolsey.” And Eglantine's cowardly little soul was + filled with a savage satisfaction to think that his enemy was in distress, + and actually obliged to come to HIM for succour. + </p> + <p> + “You're enough to make Job swear, you great fat stupid lazy old barber!” + roared Mr. Woolsey, in a fury. + </p> + <p> + Eglantine jumped up and made for the bell-rope. The gallant little tailor + laughed. + </p> + <p> + “There's no need to call in Betsy,” said he. “I'm not a-going to eat you, + Eglantine; you're a bigger man than me: if you were just to fall on me, + you'd smother me! Just sit still on the sofa and listen to reason.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, sir, pro-ceed,” said the barber with a gasp. + </p> + <p> + “Now, listen! What's the darling wish of your heart? I know it, sir! + you've told it to Mr. Tressle, sir, and other gents at the club. The + darling wish of your heart, sir, is to have a slap-up coat turned out of + the ateliers of Messrs. Linsey, Woolsey and Company. You said you'd give + twenty guineas for one of our coats, you know you did! Lord Bolsterton's a + fatter man than you, and look what a figure we turn HIM out. Can any firm + in England dress Lord Bolsterton but us, so as to make his Lordship look + decent? I defy 'em, sir! We could have given Daniel Lambert a figure!” + </p> + <p> + “If I want a coat, sir,” said Mr. Eglantine, “and I don't deny it, there's + some people want a HEAD OF HAIR!” + </p> + <p> + “That's the very point I was coming to,” said the tailor, resuming the + violent blush which was mentioned as having suffused his countenance at + the beginning of the conversation. “Let us have terms of mutual + accommodation. Make me a wig, Mr. Eglantine, and though I never yet cut a + yard of cloth except for a gentleman, I'll pledge you my word I'll make + you a coat.” + </p> + <p> + “WILL you, honour bright?” says Eglantine. + </p> + <p> + “Honour bright,” says the tailor. “Look!” and in an instant he drew from + his pocket one of those slips of parchment which gentlemen of his + profession carry, and putting Eglantine into the proper position, began to + take the preliminary observations. He felt Eglantine's heart thump with + happiness as his measure passed over that soft part of the perfumer's + person. + </p> + <p> + Then pulling down the window-blind, and looking that the door was locked, + and blushing still more deeply than ever, the tailor seated himself in an + arm-chair towards which Mr. Eglantine beckoned him, and, taking off his + black wig, exposed his head to the great perruquier's gaze. Mr. Eglantine + looked at it, measured it, manipulated it, sat for three minutes with his + head in his hand and his elbow on his knee, gazing at the tailor's cranium + with all his might, walked round it twice or thrice, and then said, “It's + enough, Mr. Woolsey. Consider the job as done. And now, sir,” said he, + with a greatly relieved air—“and now, Woolsey, let us 'ave a glass + of curacoa to celebrate this hauspicious meeting.” + </p> + <p> + The tailor, however, stiffly replied that he never drank in a morning, and + left the room without offering to shake Mr. Eglantine by the hand: for he + despised that gentleman very heartily, and himself, too, for coming to any + compromise with him, and for so far demeaning himself as to make a coat + for a barber. + </p> + <p> + Looking from his chambers on the other side of the street, that inevitable + Mr. Walker saw the tailor issuing from the perfumer's shop, and was at no + loss to guess that something extraordinary must be in progress when two + such bitter enemies met together. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0003" id="link2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. WHAT CAME OF MR WALKER'S DISCOVERY OF THE “BOOTJACK.” + </h2> + <p> + It is very easy to state how the Captain came to take up that proud + position at the “Bootjack” which we have seen him occupy on the evening + when the sound of the fatal “Brava!” so astonished Mr. Eglantine. + </p> + <p> + The mere entry into the establishment was, of course, not difficult. Any + person by simply uttering the words “A pint of beer,” was free of the + “Bootjack;” and it was some such watchword that Howard Walker employed + when he made his first appearance. He requested to be shown into a + parlour, where he might repose himself for a while, and was ushered into + that very sanctum where the “Kidney Club” met. Then he stated that the + beer was the best he had ever tasted, except in Bavaria, and in some parts + of Spain, he added; and professing to be extremely “peckish,” requested to + know if there were any cold meat in the house whereof he could make a + dinner. + </p> + <p> + “I don't usually dine at this hour, landlord,” said he, flinging down a + half-sovereign for payment of the beer; “but your parlour looks so + comfortable, and the Windsor chairs are so snug, that I'm sure I could not + dine better at the first club in London.” + </p> + <p> + “ONE of the first clubs in London is held in this very room,” said Mr. + Crump, very well pleased; “and attended by some of the best gents in town, + too. We call it the 'Kidney Club'.” + </p> + <p> + “Why, bless my soul! it is the very club my friend Eglantine has so often + talked to me about, and attended by some of the tip-top tradesmen of the + metropolis!” + </p> + <p> + “There's better men here than Mr. Eglantine,” replied Mr. Crump, “though + he's a good man—I don't say he's not a good man—but there's + better. Mr. Clinker, sir; Mr. Woolsey, of the house of Linsey, Woolsey and + Co—” + </p> + <p> + “The great army-clothiers!” cried Walker; “the first house in town!” and + so continued, with exceeding urbanity, holding conversation with Mr. + Crump, until the honest landlord retired delighted, and told Mrs. Crump in + the bar that there was a tip-top swell in the “Kidney” parlour, who was + a-going to have his dinner there. + </p> + <p> + Fortune favoured the brave Captain in every way. It was just Mr. Crump's + own dinner-hour; and on Mrs. Crump stepping into the parlour to ask the + guest whether he would like a slice of the joint to which the family were + about to sit down, fancy that lady's start of astonishment at recognising + Mr. Eglantine's facetious friend of the day before. The Captain at once + demanded permission to partake of the joint at the family table; the lady + could not with any great reason deny this request; the Captain was + inducted into the bar; and Miss Crump, who always came down late for + dinner, was even more astonished than her mamma, on beholding the occupier + of the fourth place at the table. Had she expected to see the fascinating + stranger so soon again? I think she had. Her big eyes said as much, as, + furtively looking up at Mr. Walker's face, they caught his looks; and then + bouncing down again towards her plate, pretended to be very busy in + looking at the boiled beef and carrots there displayed. She blushed far + redder than those carrots, but her shining ringlets hid her confusion + together with her lovely face. + </p> + <p> + Sweet Morgiana! the billiard-ball eyes had a tremendous effect on the + Captain. They fell plump, as it were, into the pocket of his heart; and he + gallantly proposed to treat the company to a bottle of champagne, which + was accepted without much difficulty. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Crump, under pretence of going to the cellar (where he said he had + some cases of the finest champagne in Europe), called Dick, the boy, to + him, and despatched him with all speed to a wine merchant's, where a + couple of bottles of the liquor were procured. + </p> + <p> + “Bring up two bottles, Mr. C.,” Captain Walker gallantly said when Crump + made his move, as it were, to the cellar and it may be imagined after the + two bottles were drunk (of which Mrs. Crump took at least nine glasses to + her share), how happy, merry, and confidential the whole party had become. + Crump told his story of the “Bootjack,” and whose boot it had drawn; the + former Miss Delancy expatiated on her past theatrical life, and the + pictures hanging round the room. Miss was equally communicative; and, in + short, the Captain had all the secrets of the little family in his + possession ere sunset. He knew that Miss cared little for either of her + suitors, about whom mamma and papa had a little quarrel. He heard Mrs. + Crump talk of Morgiana's property, and fell more in love with her than + ever. Then came tea, the luscious crumpet, the quiet game at cribbage, and + the song—the song which poor Eglantine heard, and which caused + Woolsey's rage and his despair. + </p> + <p> + At the close of the evening the tailor was in a greater rage, and the + perfumer in greater despair than ever. He had made his little present of + eau-de-Cologne. “Oh fie!” says the Captain, with a horse-laugh, “it SMELLS + OF THE SHOP!” He taunted the tailor about his wig, and the honest fellow + had only an oath to give by way of repartee. He told his stories about his + club and his lordly friends. What chance had either against the + all-accomplished Howard Walker? + </p> + <p> + Old Crump, with a good innate sense of right and wrong, hated the man; + Mrs. Crump did not feel quite at her ease regarding him; but Morgiana + thought him the most delightful person the world ever produced. + </p> + <p> + Eglantine's usual morning costume was a blue satin neck-cloth embroidered + with butterflies and ornamented with a brandy-ball brooch, a light shawl + waistcoat, and a rhubarb-coloured coat of the sort which, I believe, are + called Taglionis, and which have no waist-buttons, and made a pretence, as + it were, to have no waists, but are in reality adopted by the fat in order + to give them a waist. Nothing easier for an obese man than to have a + waist; he has but to pinch his middle part a little, and the very fat on + either side pushed violently forward MAKES a waist, as it were, and our + worthy perfumer's figure was that of a bolster cut almost in two with a + string. + </p> + <p> + Walker presently saw him at his shop-door grinning in this costume, + twiddling his ringlets with his dumpy greasy fingers, glittering with oil + and rings, and looking so exceedingly contented and happy that the + estate-agent felt assured some very satisfactory conspiracy had been + planned between the tailor and him. How was Mr. Walker to learn what the + scheme was? Alas! the poor fellow's vanity and delight were such, that he + could not keep silent as to the cause of his satisfaction; and rather than + not mention it at all, in the fulness of his heart he would have told his + secret to Mr. Mossrose himself. + </p> + <p> + “When I get my coat,” thought the Bond Street Alnaschar, “I'll hire of + Snaffle that easy-going cream-coloured 'oss that he bought from Astley's, + and I'll canter through the Park, and WON'T I pass through Little Bunker's + Buildings, that's all? I'll wear my grey trousers with the velvet stripe + down the side, and get my spurs lacquered up, and a French polish to my + boot; and if I don't DO for the Captain, and the tailor too, my name's not + Archibald. And I know what I'll do: I'll hire the small clarence, and + invite the Crumps to dinner at the 'Gar and Starter'” (this was his + facetious way of calling the “Star and Garter”), “and I'll ride by them + all the way to Richmond. It's rather a long ride, but with Snaffle's soft + saddle I can do it pretty easy, I dare say.” And so the honest fellow + built castles upon castles in the air; and the last most beautiful vision + of all was Miss Crump “in white satting, with a horange flower in her + 'air,” putting him in possession of “her lovely 'and before the haltar of + St. George's, 'Anover Square.” As for Woolsey, Eglantine determined that + he should have the best wig his art could produce; for he had not the + least fear of his rival. + </p> + <p> + These points then being arranged to the poor fellow's satisfaction, what + does he do but send out for half a quire of pink note-paper, and in a + filagree envelope despatch a note of invitation to the ladies at the + “Bootjack”:— + </p> + <p> + “BOWER OF BLOOM, BOND STREET: + </p> + <p> + “Thursday. + </p> + <p> + “MR. ARCHIBALD EGLANTINE presents his compliments to Mrs. and Miss Crump, + and requests the HONOUR AND PLEASURE of their company at the 'Star and + Garter' at Richmond to an early dinner on Sunday next. + </p> + <p> + “IF AGREEABLE, Mr. Eglantine's carriage will be at your door at three + o'clock, and I propose to accompany them on horseback, if agreeable + likewise.” + </p> + <p> + This note was sealed with yellow wax, and sent to its destination; and of + course Mr. Eglantine went himself for the answer in the evening: and of + course he told the ladies to look out for a certain new coat he was going + to sport on Sunday; and of course Mr. Walker happens to call the next day + with spare tickets for Mrs. Crump and her daughter, when the whole secret + was laid bare to him—how the ladies were going to Richmond on Sunday + in Mr. Snaffle's clarence, and how Mr. Eglantine was to ride by their + side. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Walker did not keep horses of his own; his magnificent friends at the + “Regent” had plenty in their stables, and some of these were at livery at + the establishment of the Captain's old “college” companion, Mr. Snaffle. + It was easy, therefore, for the Captain to renew his acquaintance with + that individual. So, hanging on the arm of my Lord Vauxhall, Captain + Walker next day made his appearance at Snaffle's livery-stables, and + looked at the various horses there for sale or at bait, and soon managed, + by putting some facetious questions to Mr. Snaffle regarding the “Kidney + Club,” etc. to place himself on a friendly footing with that gentleman, + and to learn from him what horse Mr. Eglantine was to ride on Sunday. + </p> + <p> + The monster Walker had fully determined in his mind that Eglantine should + FALL off that horse in the course of his Sunday's ride. + </p> + <p> + “That sing'lar hanimal,” said Mr. Snaffle, pointing to the old horse, “is + the celebrated Hemperor that was the wonder of Hastley's some years back, + and was parted with by Mr. Ducrow honly because his feelin's wouldn't + allow him to keep him no longer after the death of the first Mrs. D., who + invariably rode him. I bought him, thinking that p'raps ladies and Cockney + bucks might like to ride him (for his haction is wonderful, and he canters + like a harm-chair); but he's not safe on any day except Sundays.” + </p> + <p> + “And why's that?” asked Captain Walker. “Why is he safer on Sundays than + other days?” + </p> + <p> + “BECAUSE THERE'S NO MUSIC in the streets on Sundays. The first gent that + rode him found himself dancing a quadrille in Hupper Brook Street to an + 'urdy-gurdy that was playing 'Cherry Ripe,' such is the natur of the + hanimal. And if you reklect the play of the 'Battle of Hoysterlitz,' in + which Mrs. D. hacted 'the female hussar,' you may remember how she and the + horse died in the third act to the toon of 'God preserve the Emperor,' + from which this horse took his name. Only play that toon to him, and he + rears hisself up, beats the hair in time with his forelegs, and then sinks + gently to the ground as though he were carried off by a cannon-ball. He + served a lady hopposite Hapsley 'Ouse so one day, and since then I've + never let him out to a friend except on Sunday, when, in course, there's + no danger. Heglantine IS a friend of mine, and of course I wouldn't put + the poor fellow on a hanimal I couldn't trust.” + </p> + <p> + After a little more conversation, my lord and his friend quitted Mr. + Snaffle's, and as they walked away towards the “Regent,” his Lordship + might be heard shrieking with laughter, crying, “Capital, by jingo! + exthlent! Dwive down in the dwag! Take Lungly. Worth a thousand pound, by + Jove!” and similar ejaculations, indicative of exceeding delight. + </p> + <p> + On Saturday morning, at ten o'clock to a moment, Mr. Woolsey called at Mr. + Eglantine's with a yellow handkerchief under his arm. It contained the + best and handsomest body-coat that ever gentleman put on. It fitted + Eglantine to a nicety—it did not pinch him in the least, and yet it + was of so exquisite a cut that the perfumer found, as he gazed delighted + in the glass, that he looked like a manly portly high-bred gentleman—a + lieutenant-colonel in the army, at the very least. + </p> + <p> + “You're a full man, Eglantine,” said the tailor, delighted, too, with his + own work; “but that can't be helped. You look more like Hercules than + Falstaff now, sir, and if a coat can make a gentleman, a gentleman you + are. Let me recommend you to sink the blue cravat, and take the stripes + off your trousers. Dress quiet, sir; draw it mild. Plain waistcoat, dark + trousers, black neckcloth, black hat, and if there's a better-dressed man + in Europe to-morrow, I'm a Dutchman.” + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, Woolsey—thank you, my dear sir,” said the charmed + perfumer. “And now I'll just trouble you to try on this here.” + </p> + <p> + The wig had been made with equal skill; it was not in the florid style + which Mr. Eglantine loved in his own person, but, as the perfumer said, a + simple straightforward head of hair. “It seems as if it had grown there + all your life, Mr. Woolsey; nobody would tell that it was not your nat'ral + colour” (Mr. Woolsey blushed)—“it makes you look ten year younger; + and as for that scarecrow yonder, you'll never, I think, want to wear that + again.” + </p> + <p> + Woolsey looked in the glass, and was delighted too. The two rivals shook + hands and straightway became friends, and in the overflowing of his heart + the perfumer mentioned to the tailor the party which he had arranged for + the next day, and offered him a seat in the carriage and at the dinner at + the “Star and Garter.” “Would you like to ride?” said Eglantine, with + rather a consequential air. “Snaffle will mount you, and we can go one on + each side of the ladies, if you like.” + </p> + <p> + But Woolsey humbly said he was not a riding man, and gladly consented to + take a place in the clarence carriage, provided he was allowed to bear + half the expenses of the entertainment. This proposal was agreed to by Mr. + Eglantine, and the two gentlemen parted to meet once more at the “Kidneys” + that night, when everybody was edified by the friendly tone adopted + between them. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Snaffle, at the club meeting, made the very same proposal to Mr. + Woolsey that the perfumer had made; and stated that as Eglantine was going + to ride Hemperor, Woolsey, at least, ought to mount too. But he was met by + the same modest refusal on the tailor's part, who stated that he had never + mounted a horse yet, and preferred greatly the use of a coach. + </p> + <p> + Eglantine's character as a “swell” rose greatly with the club that + evening. + </p> + <p> + Two o'clock on Sunday came: the two beaux arrived punctually at the door + to receive the two smiling ladies. + </p> + <p> + “Bless us, Mr. Eglantine!” said Miss Crump, quite struck by him, “I never + saw you look so handsome in your life.” He could have flung his arms + around her neck at the compliment. “And law, Ma! what has happened to Mr. + Woolsey? doesn't he look ten years younger than yesterday?” Mamma + assented, and Woolsey bowed gallantly, and the two gentlemen exchanged a + nod of hearty friendship. + </p> + <p> + The day was delightful. Eglantine pranced along magnificently on his + cantering armchair, with his hat on one ear, his left hand on his side, + and his head flung over his shoulder, and throwing under-glances at + Morgiana whenever the “Emperor” was in advance of the clarence. The + “Emperor” pricked up his ears a little uneasily passing the Ebenezer + chapel in Richmond, where the congregation were singing a hymn, but beyond + this no accident occurred; nor was Mr. Eglantine in the least stiff or + fatigued by the time the party reached Richmond, where he arrived time + enough to give his steed into the charge of an ostler, and to present his + elbow to the ladies as they alighted from the clarence carriage. + </p> + <p> + What this jovial party ate for dinner at the “Star and Garter” need not + here be set down. If they did not drink champagne I am very much mistaken. + They were as merry as any four people in Christendom; and between the + bewildering attentions of the perfumer, and the manly courtesy of the + tailor, Morgiana very likely forgot the gallant Captain, or, at least, was + very happy in his absence. + </p> + <p> + At eight o'clock they began to drive homewards. “WON'T you come into the + carriage?” said Morgiana to Eglantine, with one of her tenderest looks; + “Dick can ride the horse.” But Archibald was too great a lover of + equestrian exercise. “I'm afraid to trust anybody on this horse,” said he + with a knowing look; and so he pranced away by the side of the little + carriage. The moon was brilliant, and, with the aid of the gas-lamps, + illuminated the whole face of the country in a way inexpressibly lovely. + </p> + <p> + Presently, in the distance, the sweet and plaintive notes of a bugle were + heard, and the performer, with great delicacy, executed a religious air. + “Music, too! heavenly!” said Morgiana, throwing up her eyes to the stars. + The music came nearer and nearer, and the delight of the company was only + more intense. The fly was going at about four miles an hour, and the + “Emperor” began cantering to time at the same rapid pace. + </p> + <p> + “This must be some gallantry of yours, Mr. Woolsey,” said the romantic + Morgiana, turning upon that gentleman. “Mr. Eglantine treated us to the + dinner, and you have provided us with the music.” + </p> + <p> + Now Woolsey had been a little, a very little, dissatisfied during the + course of the evening's entertainment, by fancying that Eglantine, a much + more voluble person than himself, had obtained rather an undue share of + the ladies' favour; and as he himself paid half of the expenses, he felt + very much vexed to think that the perfumer should take all the credit of + the business to himself. So when Miss Crump asked if he had provided the + music, he foolishly made an evasive reply to her query, and rather wished + her to imagine that he HAD performed that piece of gallantry. “If it + pleases YOU, Miss Morgiana,” said this artful Schneider, “what more need + any man ask? wouldn't I have all Drury Lane orchestra to please you?” + </p> + <p> + The bugle had by this time arrived quite close to the clarence carriage, + and if Morgiana had looked round she might have seen whence the music + came. Behind her came slowly a drag, or private stage-coach, with four + horses. Two grooms with cockades and folded arms were behind; and driving + on the box, a little gentleman, with a blue bird's-eye neckcloth, and a + white coat. A bugleman was by his side, who performed the melodies which + so delighted Miss Crump. He played very gently and sweetly, and “God save + the King” trembled so softly out of the brazen orifice of his bugle, that + the Crumps, the tailor, and Eglantine himself, who was riding close by the + carriage, were quite charmed and subdued. + </p> + <p> + “Thank you, DEAR Mr. Woolsey,” said the grateful Morgiana; which made + Eglantine stare, and Woolsey was just saying, “Really, upon my word, I've + nothing to do with it,” when the man on the drag-box said to the bugleman, + “Now!” + </p> + <p> + The bugleman began the tune of— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “Heaven preserve our Emperor Fra-an-cis, + Rum tum-ti-tum-ti-titty-ti.” + </pre> + <p> + At the sound, the “Emperor” reared himself (with a roar from Mr. + Eglantine)—reared and beat the air with his fore-paws. Eglantine + flung his arms round the beast's neck; still he kept beating time with his + fore-paws. Mrs. Crump screamed: Mr. Woolsey, Dick, the clarence coachman, + Lord Vauxhall (for it was he), and his Lordship's two grooms, burst into a + shout of laughter; Morgiana cries “Mercy! mercy!” Eglantine yells “Stop!”—“Wo!”—“Oh!” + and a thousand ejaculations of hideous terror; until, at last, down drops + the “Emperor” stone dead in the middle of the road, as if carried off by a + cannon-ball. + </p> + <p> + Fancy the situation, ye callous souls who laugh at the misery of humanity, + fancy the situation of poor Eglantine under the “Emperor”! He had fallen + very easy, the animal lay perfectly quiet, and the perfumer was to all + intents and purposes as dead as the animal. He had not fainted, but he was + immovable with terror; he lay in a puddle, and thought it was his own + blood gushing from him; and he would have lain there until Monday morning, + if my Lord's grooms, descending, had not dragged him by the coat-collar + from under the beast, who still lay quiet. + </p> + <p> + “Play 'Charming Judy Callaghan,' will ye?” says Mr. Snaffle's man, the + fly-driver; on which the bugler performed that lively air, and up started + the horse, and the grooms, who were rubbing Mr. Eglantine down against a + lamp-post, invited him to remount. + </p> + <p> + But his heart was too broken for that. The ladies gladly made room for him + in the clarence. Dick mounted “Emperor” and rode homewards. The drag, too, + drove away, playing “Oh dear, what can the matter be?” and with a scowl of + furious hate, Mr. Eglantine sat and regarded his rival. His pantaloons + were split, and his coat torn up the back. + </p> + <p> + “Are you hurt much, dear Mr. Archibald?” said Morgiana, with unaffected + compassion. + </p> + <p> + “N-not much,” said the poor fellow, ready to burst into tears. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Mr. Woolsey,” added the good-natured girl, “how could you play such a + trick?” + </p> + <p> + “Upon my word,” Woolsey began, intending to plead innocence; but the + ludicrousness of the situation was once more too much for him, and he + burst out into a roar of laughter. + </p> + <p> + “You! you cowardly beast!” howled out Eglantine, now driven to fury—“YOU + laugh at me, you miserable cretur! Take THAT, sir!” and he fell upon him + with all his might, and well-nigh throttled the tailor, and pummelling his + eyes, his nose, his ears, with inconceivable rapidity, wrenched, finally, + his wig off his head, and flung it into the road. + </p> + <p> + Morgiana saw that Woolsey had red hair. <a href="#linknote-2" + name="linknoteref-2" id="linknoteref-2"><small>2</small></a> + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0004" id="link2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. IN WHICH THE HEROINE HAS A NUMBER MORE LOVERS, AND CUTS A VERY + DASHING FIGURE IN THE WORLD. + </h2> + <p> + Two years have elapsed since the festival at Richmond, which, begun so + peaceably, ended in such general uproar. Morgiana never could be brought + to pardon Woolsey's red hair, nor to help laughing at Eglantine's + disasters, nor could the two gentlemen be reconciled to one another. + Woolsey, indeed, sent a challenge to the perfumer to meet him with + pistols, which the latter declined, saying, justly, that tradesmen had no + business with such weapons; on this the tailor proposed to meet him with + coats off, and have it out like men, in the presence of their friends of + the “Kidney Club”. The perfumer said he would be party to no such vulgar + transaction; on which, Woolsey, exasperated, made an oath that he would + tweak the perfumer's nose so surely as he ever entered the club-room; and + thus ONE member of the “Kidneys” was compelled to vacate his armchair. + </p> + <p> + Woolsey himself attended every meeting regularly, but he did not evince + that gaiety and good-humour which render men's company agreeable in clubs. + On arriving, he would order the boy to “tell him when that scoundrel + Eglantine came;” and, hanging up his hat on a peg, would scowl round the + room, and tuck up his sleeves very high, and stretch, and shake his + fingers and wrists, as if getting them ready for that pull of the nose + which he intended to bestow upon his rival. So prepared, he would sit down + and smoke his pipe quite silently, glaring at all, and jumping up, and + hitching up his coat-sleeves, when anyone entered the room. + </p> + <p> + The “Kidneys” did not like this behaviour. Clinker ceased to come. + Bustard, the poulterer, ceased to come. As for Snaffle, he also + disappeared, for Woolsey wished to make him answerable for the + misbehaviour of Eglantine, and proposed to him the duel which the latter + had declined. So Snaffle went. Presently they all went, except the tailor + and Tressle, who lived down the street, and these two would sit and pug + their tobacco, one on each side of Crump, the landlord, as silent as + Indian chiefs in a wigwam. There grew to be more and more room for poor + old Crump in his chair and in his clothes; the “Kidneys” were gone, and + why should he remain? One Saturday he did not come down to preside at the + club (as he still fondly called it), and the Saturday following Tressle + had made a coffin for him; and Woolsey, with the undertaker by his side, + followed to the grave the father of the “Kidneys.” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Crump was now alone in the world. “How alone?” says some innocent and + respected reader. Ah! my dear sir, do you know so little of human nature + as not to be aware that, one week after the Richmond affair, Morgiana + married Captain Walker? That did she privately, of course; and, after the + ceremony, came tripping back to her parents, as young people do in plays, + and said, “Forgive me, dear Pa and Ma, I'm married, and here is my husband + the Captain!” Papa and mamma did forgive her, as why shouldn't they? and + papa paid over her fortune to her, which she carried home delighted to the + Captain. This happened several months before the demise of old Crump; and + Mrs. Captain Walker was on the Continent with her Howard when that + melancholy event took place; hence Mrs. Crump's loneliness and unprotected + condition. Morgiana had not latterly seen much of the old people; how + could she, moving in her exalted sphere, receive at her genteel new + residence in the Edgware Road the old publican and his wife? + </p> + <p> + Being, then, alone in the world, Mrs. Crump could not abear, she said, to + live in the house where she had been so respected and happy: so she sold + the goodwill of the “Bootjack,” and, with the money arising from this sale + and her own private fortune, being able to muster some sixty pounds per + annum, retired to the neighbourhood of her dear old “Sadler's Wells,” + where she boarded with one of Mrs. Serle's forty pupils. Her heart was + broken, she said; but, nevertheless, about nine months after Mr. Crump's + death, the wallflowers, nasturtiums, polyanthuses, and convolvuluses began + to blossom under her bonnet as usual; in a year she was dressed quite as + fine as ever, and now never missed “The Wells,” or some other place of + entertainment, one single night, but was as regular as the box-keeper. + Nay, she was a buxom widow still, and an old flame of hers, Fisk, so + celebrated as pantaloon in Grimaldi's time, but now doing the “heavy + fathers” at “The Wells,” proposed to her to exchange her name for his. + </p> + <p> + But this proposal the worthy widow declined altogether. To say truth, she + was exceedingly proud of her daughter, Mrs. Captain Walker. They did not + see each other much at first; but every now and then Mrs. Crump would pay + a visit to the folks in Connaught Square; and on the days when “the + Captain's” lady called in the City Road, there was not a single official + at “The Wells,” from the first tragedian down to the call-boy, who was not + made aware of the fact. + </p> + <p> + It has been said that Morgiana carried home her fortune in her own + reticule, and, smiling, placed the money in her husband's lap; and hence + the reader may imagine, who knows Mr. Walker to be an extremely selfish + fellow, that a great scene of anger must have taken place, and many coarse + oaths and epithets of abuse must have come from him, when he found that + five hundred pounds was all that his wife had, although he had expected + five thousand with her. But, to say the truth, Walker was at this time + almost in love with his handsome rosy good-humoured simple wife. They had + made a fortnight's tour, during which they had been exceedingly happy; and + there was something so frank and touching in the way in which the kind + creature flung her all into his lap, saluting him with a hearty embrace at + the same time, and wishing that it were a thousand billion billion times + more, so that her darling Howard might enjoy it, that the man would have + been a ruffian indeed could he have found it in his heart to be angry with + her; and so he kissed her in return, and patted her on the shining + ringlets, and then counted over the notes with rather a disconsolate air, + and ended by locking them up in his portfolio. In fact, SHE had never + deceived him; Eglantine had, and he in return had out-tricked Eglantine + and so warm were his affections for Morgiana at this time that, upon my + word and honour, I don't think he repented of his bargain. Besides, five + hundred pounds in crisp bank-notes was a sum of money such as the Captain + was not in the habit of handling every day; a dashing sanguine fellow, he + fancied there was no end to it, and already thought of a dozen ways by + which it should increase and multiply into a plum. Woe is me! Has not many + a simple soul examined five new hundred-pound notes in this way, and + calculated their powers of duration and multiplication? + </p> + <p> + This subject, however, is too painful to be dwelt on. Let us hear what + Walker did with his money. Why, he furnished the house in the Edgware Road + before mentioned, he ordered a handsome service of plate, he sported a + phaeton and two ponies, he kept a couple of smart maids and a groom + foot-boy—in fact, he mounted just such a neat unpretending + gentleman-like establishment as becomes a respectable young couple on + their outset in life. “I've sown my wild oats,” he would say to his + acquaintances; “a few years since, perhaps, I would have longed to cut a + dash, but now prudence is the word; and I've settled every farthing of + Mrs. Walker's fifteen thousand on herself.” And the best proof that the + world had confidence in him is the fact, that for the articles of plate, + equipage, and furniture, which have been mentioned as being in his + possession, he did not pay one single shilling; and so prudent was he, + that but for turnpikes, postage-stamps, and king's taxes, he hardly had + occasion to change a five-pound note of his wife's fortune. + </p> + <p> + To tell the truth, Mr. Walker had determined to make his fortune. And what + is easier in London? Is not the share-market open to all? Do not Spanish + and Columbian bonds rise and fall? For what are companies invented, but to + place thousands in the pockets of shareholders and directors? Into these + commercial pursuits the gallant Captain now plunged with great energy, and + made some brilliant hits at first starting, and bought and sold so + opportunely, that his name began to rise in the City as a capitalist, and + might be seen in the printed list of directors of many excellent and + philanthropic schemes, of which there is never any lack in London. + Business to the amount of thousands was done at his agency; shares of vast + value were bought and sold under his management. How poor Mr. Eglantine + used to hate him and envy him, as from the door of his emporium (the firm + was Eglantine and Mossrose now) he saw the Captain daily arrive in his + pony-phaeton, and heard of the start he had taken in life. + </p> + <p> + The only regret Mrs. Walker had was that she did not enjoy enough of her + husband's society. His business called him away all day; his business, + too, obliged him to leave her of evenings very frequently alone; whilst he + (always in pursuit of business) was dining with his great friends at the + club, and drinking claret and champagne to the same end. + </p> + <p> + She was a perfectly good-natured and simple soul, never made him a single + reproach; but when he could pass an evening at home with her she was + delighted, and when he could drive with her in the Park she was happy for + a week after. On these occasions, and in the fulness of her heart, she + would drive to her mother and tell her story. “Howard drove with me in the + Park yesterday, Mamma;” and “Howard has promised to take me to the Opera,” + and so forth. And that evening the manager, Mr. Gawler, the first + tragedian, Mrs. Serle and her forty pupils, all the box-keepers, + bonnet-women—nay, the ginger-beer girls themselves at “The Wells,” + knew that Captain and Mrs. Walker were at Kensington Gardens, or were to + have the Marchioness of Billingsgate's box at the Opera. One night—O + joy of joys!—Mrs. Captain Walker appeared in a private box at “The + Wells.” That's she with the black ringlets and Cashmere shawl, + smelling-bottle, and black-velvet gown, and bird of paradise in her hat. + Goodness gracious! how they all acted at her, Gawler and all, and how + happy Mrs. Crump was! She kissed her daughter between all the acts, she + nodded to all her friends on the stage, in the slips, or in the real + water; she introduced her daughter, Mrs. Captain Walker, to the + box-opener; and Melvil Delamere (the first comic), Canterfield (the + tyrant), and Jonesini (the celebrated Fontarabian Statuesque), were all on + the steps, and shouted for Mrs. Captain Walker's carriage, and waved their + hats, and bowed as the little pony-phaeton drove away. Walker, in his + moustaches, had come in at the end of the play, and was not a little + gratified by the compliments paid to himself and lady. + </p> + <p> + Among the other articles of luxury with which the Captain furnished his + house we must not omit to mention an extremely grand piano, which occupied + four-fifths of Mrs. Walker's little back drawing-room, and at which she + was in the habit of practising continually. All day and all night during + Walker's absences (and these occurred all night and all day), you might + hear—the whole street might hear—the voice of the lady at No. + 23, gurgling, and shaking, and quavering, as ladies do when they practise. + The street did not approve of the continuance of the noise; but neighbours + are difficult to please, and what would Morgiana have had to do if she had + ceased to sing? It would be hard to lock a blackbird in a cage and prevent + him from singing too. And so Walker's blackbird, in the snug little cage + in the Edgware Road, sang and was not unhappy. + </p> + <p> + After the pair had been married for about a year, the omnibus that passes + both by Mrs. Crump's house near “The Wells,” and by Mrs. Walker's street + off the Edgware Road, brought up the former-named lady almost every day to + her daughter. She came when the Captain had gone to his business; she + stayed to a two-o'clock dinner with Morgiana; she drove with her in the + pony-carriage round the Park; but she never stopped later than six. Had + she not to go to the play at seven? And, besides, the Captain might come + home with some of his great friends, and he always swore and grumbled much + if he found his mother-in-law on the premises. As for Morgiana, she was + one of those women who encourage despotism in husbands. What the husband + says must be right, because he says it; what he orders must be obeyed + tremblingly. Mrs. Walker gave up her entire reason to her lord. Why was + it? Before marriage she had been an independent little person; she had far + more brains than her Howard. I think it must have been his moustaches that + frightened her, and caused in her this humility. + </p> + <p> + Selfish husbands have this advantage in maintaining with easy-minded wives + a rigid and inflexible behaviour, viz. that if they DO by any chance grant + a little favour, the ladies receive it with such transports of gratitude + as they would never think of showing to a lord and master who was + accustomed to give them everything they asked for; and hence, when Captain + Walker signified his assent to his wife's prayer that she should take a + singing-master, she thought his generosity almost divine, and fell upon + her mamma's neck, when that lady came the next day, and said what a dear + adorable angel her Howard was, and what ought she not to do for a man who + had taken her from her humble situation, and raised her to be what she + was! What she was, poor soul! She was the wife of a swindling parvenu + gentleman. She received visits from six ladies of her husband's + acquaintances—two attorneys' ladies, his bill-broker's lady, and one + or two more, of whose characters we had best, if you please, say nothing; + and she thought it an honour to be so distinguished: as if Walker had been + a Lord Exeter to marry a humble maiden, or a noble prince to fall in love + with a humble Cinderella, or a majestic Jove to come down from heaven and + woo a Semele. Look through the world, respectable reader, and among your + honourable acquaintances, and say if this sort of faith in women is not + very frequent? They WILL believe in their husbands, whatever the latter + do. Let John be dull, ugly, vulgar, and a humbug, his Mary Ann never finds + it out; let him tell his stories ever so many times, there is she always + ready with her kind smile; let him be stingy, she says he is prudent; let + him quarrel with his best friend, she says he is always in the right; let + him be prodigal, she says he is generous, and that his health requires + enjoyment; let him be idle, he must have relaxation; and she will pinch + herself and her household that he may have a guinea for his club. Yes; and + every morning, as she wakes and looks at the face, snoring on the pillow + by her side—every morning, I say, she blesses that dull ugly + countenance, and the dull ugly soul reposing there, and thinks both are + something divine. I want to know how it is that women do not find out + their husbands to be humbugs? Nature has so provided it, and thanks to + her. When last year they were acting the “Midsummer Night's Dream,” and + all the boxes began to roar with great coarse heehaws at Titania hugging + Bottom's long long ears—to me, considering these things, it seemed + that there were a hundred other male brutes squatted round about, and + treated just as reasonably as Bottom was. Their Titanias lulled them to + sleep in their laps, summoned a hundred smiling delicate household fairies + to tickle their gross intellects and minister to their vulgar pleasures; + and (as the above remarks are only supposed to apply to honest women + loving their own lawful spouses) a mercy it is that no wicked Puck is in + the way to open their eyes, and point out their folly. Cui bono? let them + live on in their deceit: I know two lovely ladies who will read this, and + will say it is just very likely, and not see in the least, that it has + been written regarding THEM. + </p> + <p> + Another point of sentiment, and one curious to speculate on. Have you not + remarked the immense works of art that women get through? The worsted-work + sofas, the counterpanes patched or knitted (but these are among the + old-fashioned in the country), the bushels of pincushions, the albums they + laboriously fill, the tremendous pieces of music they practise, the + thousand other fiddle-faddles which occupy the attention of the dear souls—nay, + have we not seen them seated of evenings in a squad or company, Louisa + employed at the worsted-work before mentioned, Eliza at the pincushions, + Amelia at card-racks or filagree matches, and, in the midst, Theodosia + with one of the candles, reading out a novel aloud? Ah! my dear sir, + mortal creatures must be very hard put to it for amusement, be sure of + that, when they are forced to gather together in a company and hear novels + read aloud! They only do it because they can't help it, depend upon it: it + is a sad life, a poor pastime. Mr. Dickens, in his American book, tells of + the prisoners at the silent prison, how they had ornamented their rooms, + some of them with a frightful prettiness and elaboration. Women's + fancy-work is of this sort often—only prison work, done because + there was no other exercising-ground for their poor little thoughts and + fingers; and hence these wonderful pincushions are executed, these + counterpanes woven, these sonatas learned. By everything sentimental, when + I see two kind innocent fresh-cheeked young women go to a piano, and sit + down opposite to it upon two chairs piled with more or less music-books + (according to their convenience), and, so seated, go through a set of + double-barrelled variations upon this or that tune by Herz or Kalkbrenner—I + say, far from receiving any satisfaction at the noise made by the + performance, my too susceptible heart is given up entirely to bleeding for + the performers. What hours, and weeks, nay, preparatory years of study, + has that infernal jig cost them! What sums has papa paid, what scoldings + has mamma administered (“Lady Bullblock does not play herself;” Sir Thomas + says, “but she has naturally the finest ear for music ever known!”); what + evidences of slavery, in a word, are there! It is the condition of the + young lady's existence. She breakfasts at eight, she does “Mangnall's + Questions” with the governess till ten, she practises till one, she walks + in the square with bars round her till two, then she practises again, then + she sews or hems, or reads French, or Hume's “History,” then she comes + down to play to papa, because he likes music whilst he is asleep after + dinner, and then it is bed-time, and the morrow is another day with what + are called the same “duties” to be gone through. A friend of mine went to + call at a nobleman's house the other day, and one of the young ladies of + the house came into the room with a tray on her head; this tray was to + give Lady Maria a graceful carriage. Mon Dieu! and who knows but at that + moment Lady Bell was at work with a pair of her dumb namesakes, and Lady + Sophy lying flat on a stretching-board? I could write whole articles on + this theme but peace! we are keeping Mrs. Walker waiting all the while. + </p> + <p> + Well, then, if the above disquisitions have anything to do with the story, + as no doubt they have, I wish it to be understood that, during her + husband's absence, and her own solitary confinement, Mrs. Howard Walker + bestowed a prodigious quantity of her time and energy on the cultivation + of her musical talent; and having, as before stated, a very fine loud + voice, speedily attained no ordinary skill in the use of it. She first had + for teacher little Podmore, the fat chorus-master at “The Wells,” and who + had taught her mother the “Tink-a-tink” song which has been such a + favourite since it first appeared. He grounded her well, and bade her + eschew the singing of all those “Eagle Tavern” ballads in which her heart + formerly delighted; and when he had brought her to a certain point of + skill, the honest little chorus-master said she should have a still better + instructor, and wrote a note to Captain Walker (enclosing his own little + account), speaking in terms of the most flattering encomium of his lady's + progress, and recommending that she should take lessons of the celebrated + Baroski. Captain Walker dismissed Podmore then, and engaged Signor + Baroski, at a vast expense; as he did not fail to tell his wife. In fact, + he owed Baroski no less than two hundred and twenty guineas when he was—But + we are advancing matters. + </p> + <p> + Little Baroski is the author of the opera of “Eliogabalo,” of the oratorio + of “Purgatorio,” which made such an immense sensation, of songs and + ballet-musics innumerable. He is a German by birth, and shows such an + outrageous partiality for pork and sausages, and attends at church so + constantly, that I am sure there cannot be any foundation in the story + that he is a member of the ancient religion. He is a fat little man, with + a hooked nose and jetty whiskers, and coal-black shining eyes, and plenty + of rings and jewels on his fingers and about his person, and a very + considerable portion of his shirtsleeves turned over his coat to take the + air. His great hands (which can sprawl over half a piano, and produce + those effects on the instrument for which he is celebrated) are encased in + lemon-coloured kids, new, or cleaned daily. Parenthetically, let us ask + why so many men, with coarse red wrists and big hands, persist in the + white kid glove and wristband system? Baroski's gloves alone must cost him + a little fortune; only he says with a leer, when asked the question, “Get + along vid you; don't you know dere is a gloveress that lets me have dem + very sheap?” He rides in the Park; has splendid lodgings in Dover Street; + and is a member of the “Regent Club,” where he is a great source of + amusement to the members, to whom he tells astonishing stories of his + successes with the ladies, and for whom he has always play and opera + tickets in store. His eye glistens and his little heart beats when a lord + speaks to him; and he has been known to spend large sums of money in + giving treats to young sprigs of fashion at Richmond and elsewhere. “In my + bolyticks,” he says, “I am consarevatiff to de bag-bone.” In fine, he is a + puppy, and withal a man of considerable genius in his profession. + </p> + <p> + This gentleman, then, undertook to complete the musical education of Mrs. + Walker. He expressed himself at once “enshanted vid her gababilities,” + found that the extent of her voice was “brodigious,” and guaranteed that + she should become a first-rate singer. The pupil was apt, the master was + exceedingly skilful; and, accordingly, Mrs. Walker's progress was very + remarkable: although, for her part, honest Mrs. Crump, who used to attend + her daughter's lessons, would grumble not a little at the new system, and + the endless exercises which she, Morgiana, was made to go through. It was + very different in HER time, she said. Incledon knew no music, and who + could sing so well now? Give her a good English ballad: it was a thousand + times sweeter than your “Figaros” and “Semiramides.” + </p> + <p> + In spite of these objections, however, and with amazing perseverance and + cheerfulness, Mrs. Walker pursued the method of study pointed out to her + by her master. As soon as her husband went to the City in the morning her + operations began; if he remained away at dinner, her labours still + continued: nor is it necessary for me to particularise her course of + study, nor, indeed, possible; for, between ourselves, none of the male + Fitz-Boodles ever could sing a note, and the jargon of scales and + solfeggios is quite unknown to me. But as no man can have seen persons + addicted to music without remarking the prodigious energies they display + in the pursuit, as there is no father of daughters, however ignorant, but + is aware of the piano-rattling and voice-exercising which go on in his + house from morning till night, so let all fancy, without further inquiry, + how the heroine of our story was at this stage of her existence occupied. + </p> + <p> + Walker was delighted with her progress, and did everything but pay + Baroski, her instructor. We know why he didn't pay. It was his nature not + to pay bills, except on extreme compulsion; but why did not Baroski employ + that extreme compulsion? Because, if he had received his money, he would + have lost his pupil, and because he loved his pupil more than money. + Rather than lose her, he would have given her a guinea as well as her + cachet. He would sometimes disappoint a great personage, but he never + missed his attendance on HER; and the truth must out, that he was in love + with her, as Woolsey and Eglantine had been before. + </p> + <p> + “By the immortel Chofe!” he would say, “dat letell ding sents me mad vid + her big ice! But only vait avile: in six veeks I can bring any voman in + England on her knees to me and you shall see vat I vill do vid my + Morgiana.” He attended her for six weeks punctually, and yet Morgiana was + never brought down on her knees; he exhausted his best stock of + “gomblimends,” and she never seemed disposed to receive them with anything + but laughter. And, as a matter of course, he only grew more infatuated + with the lovely creature who was so provokingly good-humoured and so + laughingly cruel. + </p> + <p> + Benjamin Baroski was one of the chief ornaments of the musical profession + in London; he charged a guinea for a lesson of three-quarters of an hour + abroad, and he had, furthermore, a school at his own residence, where + pupils assembled in considerable numbers, and of that curious mixed kind + which those may see who frequent these places of instruction. There were + very innocent young ladies with their mammas, who would hurry them off + trembling to the farther corner of the room when certain doubtful + professional characters made their appearance. There was Miss Grigg, who + sang at the “Foundling,” and Mr. Johnson, who sang at the “Eagle Tavern,” + and Madame Fioravanti (a very doubtful character), who sang nowhere, but + was always coming out at the Italian Opera. There was Lumley Limpiter + (Lord Tweedledale's son), one of the most accomplished tenors in town, and + who, we have heard, sings with the professionals at a hundred concerts; + and with him, too, was Captain Guzzard, of the Guards, with his tremendous + bass voice, which all the world declared to be as fine as Porto's, and who + shared the applause of Baroski's school with Mr. Bulger, the dentist of + Sackville Street, who neglected his ivory and gold plates for his voice, + as every unfortunate individual will do who is bitten by the music mania. + Then among the ladies there were a half-score of dubious pale governesses + and professionals with turned frocks and lank damp bandeaux of hair under + shabby little bonnets; luckless creatures these, who were parting with + their poor little store of half-guineas to be enabled to say they were + pupils of Signor Baroski, and so get pupils of their own among the British + youths, or employment in the choruses of the theatres. + </p> + <p> + The prima donna of the little company was Amelia Larkins, Baroski's own + articled pupil, on whose future reputation the eminent master staked his + own, whose profits he was to share, and whom he had farmed, to this end, + from her father, a most respectable sheriff's officer's assistant, and + now, by his daughter's exertions, a considerable capitalist. Amelia is + blonde and blue-eyed, her complexion is as bright as snow, her ringlets of + the colour of straw, her figure—but why describe her figure? Has not + all the world seen her at the Theatres Royal and in America under the name + of Miss Ligonier? + </p> + <p> + Until Mrs. Walker arrived, Miss Larkins was the undisputed princess of the + Baroski company—the Semiramide, the Rosina, the Tamina, the Donna + Anna. Baroski vaunted her everywhere as the great rising genius of the + day, bade Catalani look to her laurels, and questioned whether Miss + Stephens could sing a ballad like his pupil. Mrs. Howard Walker arrived, + and created, on the first occasion, no small sensation. She improved, and + the little society became speedily divided into Walkerites and + Larkinsians; and between these two ladies (as indeed between Guzzard and + Bulger before mentioned, between Miss Brunck and Miss Horsman, the two + contraltos, and between the chorus-singers, after their kind) a great + rivalry arose. Larkins was certainly the better singer; but could her + straw-coloured curls and dumpy high-shouldered figure bear any comparison + with the jetty ringlets and stately form of Morgiana? Did not Mrs. Walker, + too, come to the music-lesson in her carriage, and with a black velvet + gown and Cashmere shawl, while poor Larkins meekly stepped from Bell Yard, + Temple Bar, in an old print gown and clogs, which she left in the hall? + “Larkins sing!” said Mrs. Crump, sarcastically; “I'm sure she ought; her + mouth's big enough to sing a duet.” Poor Larkins had no one to make + epigrams in her behoof; her mother was at home tending the younger ones, + her father abroad following the duties of his profession; she had but one + protector, as she thought, and that one was Baroski. Mrs. Crump did not + fail to tell Lumley Limpiter of her own former triumphs, and to sing him + “Tink-a-tink,” which we have previously heard, and to state how in former + days she had been called the Ravenswing. And Lumley, on this hint, made a + poem, in which he compared Morgiana's hair to the plumage of the Raven's + wing, and Larkinissa's to that of the canary; by which two names the + ladies began soon to be known in the school. + </p> + <p> + Ere long the flight of the Ravenswing became evidently stronger, whereas + that of the canary was seen evidently to droop. When Morgiana sang, all + the room would cry “Bravo!” when Amelia performed, scarce a hand was + raised for applause of her, except Morgiana's own, and that the Larkinses + thought was lifted in odious triumph, rather than in sympathy, for Miss L. + was of an envious turn, and little understood the generosity of her rival. + </p> + <p> + At last, one day, the crowning victory of the Ravenswing came. In the trio + of Baroski's own opera of “Eliogabalo,” “Rosy lips and rosy wine,” Miss + Larkins, who was evidently unwell, was taking the part of the English + captive, which she had sung in public concerts before royal dukes, and + with considerable applause, and, from some reason, performed it so ill, + that Baroski, slapping down the music on the piano in a fury, cried, “Mrs. + Howard Walker, as Miss Larkins cannot sing to-day, will you favour us by + taking the part of Boadicetta?” Mrs. Walker got up smilingly to obey—the + triumph was too great to be withstood; and, as she advanced to the piano, + Miss Larkins looked wildly at her, and stood silent for a while, and, at + last, shrieked out, “BENJAMIN!” in a tone of extreme agony, and dropped + fainting down on the ground. Benjamin looked extremely red, it must be + confessed, at being thus called by what we shall denominate his Christian + name, and Limpiter looked round at Guzzard, and Miss Brunck nudged Miss + Horsman, and the lesson concluded rather abruptly that day; for Miss + Larkins was carried off to the next room, laid on a couch, and sprinkled + with water. + </p> + <p> + Good-natured Morgiana insisted that her mother should take Miss Larkins to + Bell Yard in her carriage, and went herself home on foot; but I don't know + that this piece of kindness prevented Larkins from hating her. I should + doubt if it did. + </p> + <p> + Hearing so much of his wife's skill as a singer, the astute Captain Walker + determined to take advantage of it for the purpose of increasing his + “connection.” He had Lumley Limpiter at his house before long, which was, + indeed, no great matter, for honest Lum would go anywhere for a good + dinner—and an opportunity to show off his voice afterwards, and + Lumley was begged to bring any more clerks in the Treasury of his + acquaintance; Captain Guzzard was invited, and any officers of the Guards + whom he might choose to bring; Bulger received occasional cards:—in + a word, and after a short time, Mrs. Howard Walker's musical parties began + to be considerably suivies. Her husband had the satisfaction to see his + rooms filled by many great personages; and once or twice in return + (indeed, whenever she was wanted, or when people could not afford to hire + the first singers) she was asked to parties elsewhere, and treated with + that killing civility which our English aristocracy knows how to bestow on + artists. Clever and wise aristocracy! It is sweet to mark your ways, and + study your commerce with inferior men. + </p> + <p> + I was just going to commence a tirade regarding the aristocracy here, and + to rage against that cool assumption of superiority which distinguishes + their lordships' commerce with artists of all sorts: that politeness + which, if it condescends to receive artists at all, takes care to have + them altogether, so that there can be no mistake about their rank—that + august patronage of art which rewards it with a silly flourish of + knighthood, to be sure, but takes care to exclude it from any contact with + its betters in society—I was, I say, just going to commence a tirade + against the aristocracy for excluding artists from their company, and to + be extremely satirical upon them, for instance, for not receiving my + friend Morgiana, when it suddenly came into my head to ask, was Mrs. + Walker fit to move in the best society?—to which query it must + humbly be replied that she was not. Her education was not such as to make + her quite the equal of Baker Street. She was a kind honest and clever + creature; but, it must be confessed, not refined. Wherever she went she + had, if not the finest, at any rate the most showy gown in the room; her + ornaments were the biggest; her hats, toques, berets, marabouts, and other + fallals, always the most conspicuous. She drops “h's” here and there. I + have seen her eat peas with a knife (and Walker, scowling on the opposite + side of the table, striving in vain to catch her eye); and I shall never + forget Lady Smigsmag's horror when she asked for porter at dinner at + Richmond, and began to drink it out of the pewter pot. It was a fine + sight. She lifted up the tankard with one of the finest arms, covered with + the biggest bracelets ever seen; and had a bird of paradise on her head, + that curled round the pewter disc of the pot as she raised it, like a + halo. These peculiarities she had, and has still. She is best away from + the genteel world, that is the fact. When she says that “The weather is so + 'ot that it is quite debiliating;” when she laughs, when she hits her + neighbour at dinner on the side of the waistcoat (as she will if he should + say anything that amuses her), she does what is perfectly natural and + unaffected on her part, but what is not customarily done among polite + persons, who can sneer at her odd manners and her vanity, but don't know + the kindness, honesty, and simplicity which distinguish her. This point + being admitted, it follows, of course, that the tirade against the + aristocracy would, in the present instance, be out of place—so it + shall be reserved for some other occasion. + </p> + <p> + The Ravenswing was a person admirably disposed by nature to be happy. She + had a disposition so kindly that any small attention would satisfy it; was + pleased when alone; was delighted in a crowd; was charmed with a joke, + however old; was always ready to laugh, to sing, to dance, or to be merry; + was so tender-hearted that the smallest ballad would make her cry: and + hence was supposed, by many persons, to be extremely affected, and by + almost all to be a downright coquette. Several competitors for her favour + presented themselves besides Baroski. Young dandies used to canter round + her phaeton in the park, and might be seen haunting her doors in the + mornings. The fashionable artist of the day made a drawing of her, which + was engraved and sold in the shops; a copy of it was printed in a song, + “Black-eyed Maiden of Araby,” the words by Desmond Mulligan, Esquire, the + music composed and dedicated to MRS. HOWARD WALKER, by her most faithful + and obliged servant, Benjamin Baroski; and at night her Opera-box was + full. Her Opera-box? Yes, the heiress of the “Bootjack” actually had an + Opera-box, and some of the most fashionable manhood of London attended it. + </p> + <p> + Now, in fact, was the time of her greatest prosperity; and her husband + gathering these fashionable characters about him, extended his “agency” + considerably, and began to thank his stars that he had married a woman who + was as good as a fortune to him. + </p> + <p> + In extending his agency, however, Mr. Walker increased his expenses + proportionably, and multiplied his debts accordingly. More furniture and + more plate, more wines and more dinner-parties, became necessary; the + little pony-phaeton was exchanged for a brougham of evenings; and we may + fancy our old friend Mr. Eglantine's rage and disgust, as he looked from + the pit of the Opera, to see Mrs. Walker surrounded by what he called “the + swell young nobs” about London, bowing to my Lord, and laughing with his + Grace, and led to carriage by Sir John. + </p> + <p> + The Ravenswing's position at this period was rather an exceptional one. + She was an honest woman, visited by that peculiar class of our aristocracy + who chiefly associate with ladies who are NOT honest. She laughed with + all, but she encouraged none. Old Crump was constantly at her side now + when she appeared in public, the most watchful of mammas, always awake at + the Opera, though she seemed to be always asleep; but no dandy debauchee + could deceive her vigilance, and for this reason Walker, who disliked her + (as every man naturally will, must, and should dislike his mother-in-law), + was contented to suffer her in his house to act as a chaperon to Morgiana. + </p> + <p> + None of the young dandies ever got admission of mornings to the little + mansion in the Edgware Road; the blinds were always down; and though you + might hear Morgiana's voice half across the Park as she was practising, + yet the youthful hall-porter in the sugar-loaf buttons was instructed to + deny her, and always declared that his mistress was gone out, with the + most admirable assurance. + </p> + <p> + After some two years of her life of splendour, there were, to be sure, a + good number of morning visitors, who came with SINGLE knocks, and asked + for Captain Walker; but these were no more admitted than the dandies + aforesaid, and were referred, generally, to the Captain's office, whither + they went or not at their convenience. The only man who obtained admission + into the house was Baroski, whose cab transported him thrice a week to the + neighbourhood of Connaught Square, and who obtained ready entrance in his + professional capacity. + </p> + <p> + But even then, and much to the wicked little music-master's + disappointment, the dragon Crump was always at the piano, with her endless + worsted work, or else reading her unfailing Sunday Times; and Baroski + could only employ “de langvitch of de ice,” as he called it, with his fair + pupil, who used to mimic his manner of rolling his eyes about afterwards, + and perform “Baroski in love” for the amusement of her husband and her + mamma. The former had his reasons for overlooking the attentions of the + little music-master; and as for the latter, had she not been on the stage, + and had not many hundreds of persons, in jest or earnest, made love to + her? What else can a pretty woman expect who is much before the public? + And so the worthy mother counselled her daughter to bear these attentions + with good humour, rather than to make them a subject of perpetual alarm + and quarrel. + </p> + <p> + Baroski, then, was allowed to go on being in love, and was never in the + least disturbed in his passion; and if he was not successful, at least the + little wretch could have the pleasure of HINTING that he was, and looking + particularly roguish when the Ravenswing was named, and assuring his + friends at the club, that “upon his vort dere vas no trut IN DAT REBORT.” + </p> + <p> + At last one day it happened that Mrs. Crump did not arrive in time for her + daughter's lesson (perhaps it rained and the omnibus was full—a + smaller circumstance than that has changed a whole life ere now)—Mrs. + Crump did not arrive, and Baroski did, and Morgiana, seeing no great harm, + sat down to her lesson as usual, and in the midst of it down went the + music-master on his knees, and made a declaration in the most eloquent + terms he could muster. + </p> + <p> + “Don't be a fool, Baroski!” said the lady—(I can't help it if her + language was not more choice, and if she did not rise with cold dignity, + exclaiming, “Unhand me, sir!”)—“Don't be a fool!” said Mrs. Walker, + “but get up and let's finish the lesson.” + </p> + <p> + “You hard-hearted adorable little greature, vill you not listen to me?” + </p> + <p> + “No, I vill not listen to you, Benjamin!” concluded the lady. “Get up and + take a chair, and don't go on in that ridiklous way, don't!” + </p> + <p> + But Baroski, having a speech by heart, determined to deliver himself of it + in that posture, and begged Morgiana not to turn avay her divine hice, and + to listen to de voice of his despair, and so forth; he seized the lady's + hand, and was going to press it to his lips, when she said, with more + spirit, perhaps, than grace,— + </p> + <p> + “Leave go my hand, sir; I'll box your ears if you don't!” + </p> + <p> + But Baroski wouldn't release her hand, and was proceeding to imprint a + kiss upon it; and Mrs. Crump, who had taken the omnibus at a quarter-past + twelve instead of that at twelve, had just opened the drawing-room door + and was walking in, when Morgiana, turning as red as a peony, and unable + to disengage her left hand, which the musician held, raised up her right + hand, and, with all her might and main, gave her lover such a tremendous + slap in the face as caused him abruptly to release the hand which he held, + and would have laid him prostrate on the carpet but for Mrs. Crump, who + rushed forward and prevented him from falling by administering right and + left a whole shower of slaps, such as he had never endured since the day + he was at school. + </p> + <p> + “What imperence!” said that worthy lady; “you'll lay hands on my daughter, + will you? (one, two). You'll insult a woman in distress, will you, you + little coward? (one, two). Take that, and mind your manners, you filthy + monster!” + </p> + <p> + Baroski bounced up in a fury. “By Chofe, you shall hear of dis!” shouted + he; “you shall pay me dis!” + </p> + <p> + “As many more as you please, little Benjamin,” cried the widow. “Augustus” + (to the page), “was that the Captain's knock?” At this Baroski made for + his hat. “Augustus, show this imperence to the door; and if he tries to + come in again, call a policeman: do you hear?” + </p> + <p> + The music-master vanished very rapidly, and the two ladies, instead of + being frightened or falling into hysterics, as their betters would have + done, laughed at the odious monster's discomfiture, as they called him. + “Such a man as that set himself up against my Howard!” said Morgiana, with + becoming pride; but it was agreed between them that Howard should know + nothing of what had occurred, for fear of quarrels, or lest he should be + annoyed. So when he came home not a word was said; and only that his wife + met him with more warmth than usual, you could not have guessed that + anything extraordinary had occurred. It is not my fault that my heroine's + sensibilities were not more keen, that she had not the least occasion for + sal-volatile or symptom of a fainting fit; but so it was, and Mr. Howard + Walker knew nothing of the quarrel between his wife and her instructor + until— + </p> + <p> + Until he was arrested next day at the suit of Benjamin Baroski for two + hundred and twenty guineas, and, in default of payment, was conducted by + Mr. Tobias Larkins to his principal's lock-up house in Chancery Lane. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0005" id="link2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. IN WHICH MR. WALKER FALLS INTO DIFFICULTIES, AND MRS. WALKER + MAKES MANY FOOLISH ATTEMPTS TO RESCUE HIM. + </h2> + <p> + I hope the beloved reader is not silly enough to imagine that Mr. Walker, + on finding himself inspunged for debt in Chancery Lane, was so foolish as + to think of applying to any of his friends (those great personages who + have appeared every now and then in the course of this little history, and + have served to give it a fashionable air). No, no; he knew the world too + well; and that, though Billingsgate would give him as many dozen of claret + as he could carry away under his belt, as the phrase is (I can't help it, + madam, if the phrase is not more genteel), and though Vauxhall would lend + him his carriage, slap him on the back, and dine at his house,—their + lordships would have seen Mr. Walker depending from a beam in front of the + Old Bailey rather than have helped him to a hundred pounds. + </p> + <p> + And why, forsooth, should we expect otherwise in the world? I observe that + men who complain of its selfishness are quite as selfish as the world is, + and no more liberal of money than their neighbours; and I am quite sure + with regard to Captain Walker that he would have treated a friend in want + exactly as he when in want was treated. There was only his lady who was in + the least afflicted by his captivity; and as for the club, that went on, + we are bound to say, exactly as it did on the day previous to his + disappearance. + </p> + <p> + By the way, about clubs—could we not, but for fear of detaining the + fair reader too long, enter into a wholesome dissertation here on the + manner of friendship established in those institutions, and the noble + feeling of selfishness which they are likely to encourage in the male + race? I put out of the question the stale topics of complaint, such as + leaving home, encouraging gormandising and luxurious habits, etc.; but + look also at the dealings of club-men with one another. Look at the rush + for the evening paper! See how Shiverton orders a fire in the dog-days, + and Swettenham opens the windows in February. See how Cramley takes the + whole breast of the turkey on his plate, and how many times Jenkins sends + away his beggarly half-pint of sherry! Clubbery is organised egotism. Club + intimacy is carefully and wonderfully removed from friendship. You meet + Smith for twenty years, exchange the day's news with him, laugh with him + over the last joke, grow as well acquainted as two men may be together—and + one day, at the end of the list of members of the club, you read in a + little paragraph by itself, with all the honours, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + MEMBER DECEASED. + Smith, John, Esq.; +</pre> + <p> + or he, on the other hand, has the advantage of reading your own name + selected for a similar typographical distinction. There it is, that + abominable little exclusive list at the end of every club-catalogue—you + can't avoid it. I belong to eight clubs myself, and know that one year + Fitz-Boodle, George Savage, Esq. (unless it should please fate to remove + my brother and his six sons, when of course it would be Fitz-Boodle, Sir + George Savage, Bart.), will appear in the dismal category. There is that + list; down I must go in it:—the day will come, and I shan't be seen + in the bow-window, someone else will be sitting in the vacant armchair: + the rubber will begin as usual, and yet somehow Fitz will not be there. + “Where's Fitz?” says Trumpington, just arrived from the Rhine. “Don't you + know?” says Punter, turning down his thumb to the carpet. “You led the + club, I think?” says Ruff to his partner (the OTHER partner!), and the + waiter snuffs the candles. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + I hope in the course of the above little pause, every single member of a + club who reads this has profited by the perusal. He may belong, I say, to + eight clubs; he will die, and not be missed by any of the five thousand + members. Peace be to him; the waiters will forget him, and his name will + pass away, and another great-coat will hang on the hook whence his own + used to be dependent. + </p> + <p> + And this, I need not say, is the beauty of the club-institutions. If it + were otherwise—if, forsooth, we were to be sorry when our friends + died, or to draw out our purses when our friends were in want, we should + be insolvent, and life would be miserable. Be it ours to button up our + pockets and our hearts; and to make merry—it is enough to swim down + this life-stream for ourselves; if Poverty is clutching hold of our heels, + or Friendship would catch an arm, kick them both off. Every man for + himself, is the word, and plenty to do too. + </p> + <p> + My friend Captain Walker had practised the above maxims so long and + resolutely as to be quite aware when he came himself to be in distress, + that not a single soul in the whole universe would help him, and he took + his measures accordingly. + </p> + <p> + When carried to Mr. Bendigo's lock-up house, he summoned that gentleman in + a very haughty way, took a blank banker's cheque out of his pocket-book, + and filling it up for the exact sum of the writ, orders Mr. Bendigo + forthwith to open the door and let him go forth. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bendigo, smiling with exceeding archness, and putting a finger covered + all over with diamond rings to his extremely aquiline nose, inquired of + Mr. Walker whether he saw anything green about his face? intimating by + this gay and good-humoured interrogatory his suspicion of the + unsatisfactory nature of the document handed over to him by Mr. Walker. + </p> + <p> + “Hang it, sir!” says Mr. Walker, “go and get the cheque cashed, and be + quick about it. Send your man in a cab, and here's a half-crown to pay for + it.” The confident air somewhat staggers the bailiff, who asked him + whether he would like any refreshment while his man was absent getting the + amount of the cheque, and treated his prisoner with great civility during + the time of the messenger's journey. + </p> + <p> + But as Captain Walker had but a balance of two pounds five and twopence + (this sum was afterwards divided among his creditors, the law expenses + being previously deducted from it), the bankers of course declined to cash + the Captain's draft for two hundred and odd pounds, simply writing the + words “No effects” on the paper; on receiving which reply Walker, far from + being cast down, burst out laughing very gaily, produced a real five-pound + note, and called upon his host for a bottle of champagne, which the two + worthies drank in perfect friendship and good-humour. The bottle was + scarcely finished, and the young Israelitish gentleman who acts as waiter + in Cursitor Street had only time to remove the flask and the glasses, when + poor Morgiana with a flood of tears rushed into her husband's arms, and + flung herself on his neck, and calling him her “dearest, blessed Howard,” + would have fainted at his feet; but that he, breaking out in a fury of + oaths, asked her how, after getting him into that scrape through her + infernal extravagance, she dared to show her face before him? This address + speedily frightened the poor thing out of her fainting fit—there is + nothing so good for female hysterics as a little conjugal sternness, nay, + brutality, as many husbands can aver who are in the habit of employing the + remedy. + </p> + <p> + “My extravagance, Howard?” said she, in a faint way; and quite put off her + purpose of swooning by the sudden attack made upon her—“Surely, my + love, you have nothing to complain of—” + </p> + <p> + “To complain of, ma'am?” roared the excellent Walker. “Is two hundred + guineas to a music-master nothing to complain of? Did you bring me such a + fortune as to authorise your taking guinea lessons? Haven't I raised you + out of your sphere of life and introduced you to the best of the land? + Haven't I dressed you like a duchess? Haven't I been for you such a + husband as very few women in the world ever had, madam?—answer me + that.” + </p> + <p> + “Indeed, Howard, you were always very kind,” sobbed the lady. + </p> + <p> + “Haven't I toiled and slaved for you—been out all day working for + you? Haven't I allowed your vulgar old mother to come to your house—to + my house, I say? Haven't I done all this?” + </p> + <p> + She could not deny it, and Walker, who was in a rage (and when a man is in + a rage, for what on earth is a wife made but that he should vent his rage + on her?), continued for some time in this strain, and so abused, + frightened, and overcame poor Morgiana that she left her husband fully + convinced that she was the most guilty of beings, and bemoaning his double + bad fortune, that her Howard was ruined and she the cause of his + misfortunes. + </p> + <p> + When she was gone, Mr. Walker resumed his equanimity (for he was not one + of those men whom a few months of the King's Bench were likely to + terrify), and drank several glasses of punch in company with his host; + with whom in perfect calmness he talked over his affairs. That he intended + to pay his debt and quit the spunging-house next day is a matter of + course; no one ever was yet put in a spunging-house that did not pledge + his veracity he intended to quit it to-morrow. Mr. Bendigo said he should + be heartily glad to open the door to him, and in the meantime sent out + diligently to see among his friends if there were any more detainers + against the Captain, and to inform the Captain's creditors to come forward + against him. + </p> + <p> + Morgiana went home in profound grief, it may be imagined, and could hardly + refrain from bursting into tears when the sugar-loaf page asked whether + master was coming home early, or whether he had taken his key; she lay + awake tossing and wretched the whole night, and very early in the morning + rose up, and dressed, and went out. + </p> + <p> + Before nine o'clock she was in Cursitor Street, and once more joyfully + bounced into her husband's arms; who woke up yawning and swearing + somewhat, with a severe headache, occasioned by the jollification of the + previous night: for, strange though it may seem, there are perhaps no + places in Europe where jollity is more practised than in prisons for debt; + and I declare for my own part (I mean, of course, that I went to visit a + friend) I have dined at Mr. Aminadab's as sumptuously as at Long's. + </p> + <p> + But it is necessary to account for Morgiana's joyfulness; which was + strange in her husband's perplexity, and after her sorrow of the previous + night. Well, then, when Mrs. Walker went out in the morning, she did so + with a very large basket under her arm. “Shall I carry the basket, ma'am?” + said the page, seizing it with much alacrity. + </p> + <p> + “No, thank you,” cried his mistress, with equal eagerness: “it's only—” + </p> + <p> + “Of course, ma'am,” replied the boy, sneering, “I knew it was that.” + </p> + <p> + “Glass,” continued Mrs. Walker, turning extremely red. “Have the goodness + to call a coach, sir, and not to speak till you are questioned.” + </p> + <p> + The young gentleman disappeared upon his errand: the coach was called and + came. Mrs. Walker slipped into it with her basket, and the page went + downstairs to his companions in the kitchen, and said, “It's a-comin'! + master's in quod, and missus has gone out to pawn the plate.” When the + cook went out that day, she somehow had by mistake placed in her basket a + dozen of table-knives and a plated egg-stand. When the lady's-maid took a + walk in the course of the afternoon, she found she had occasion for eight + cambric pocket-handkerchiefs, (marked with her mistress's cipher), + half-a-dozen pair of shoes, gloves, long and short, some silk stockings, + and a gold-headed scent-bottle. “Both the new cashmeres is gone,” said + she, “and there's nothing left in Mrs. Walker's trinket-box but a paper of + pins and an old coral bracelet.” As for the page, he rushed incontinently + to his master's dressing-room and examined every one of the pockets of his + clothes; made a parcel of some of them, and opened all the drawers which + Walker had not locked before his departure. He only found three-halfpence + and a bill stamp, and about forty-five tradesmen's accounts, neatly + labelled and tied up with red tape. These three worthies, a groom who was + a great admirer of Trimmer the lady's-maid, and a policeman a friend of + the cook's, sat down to a comfortable dinner at the usual hour, and it was + agreed among them all that Walker's ruin was certain. The cook made the + policeman a present of a china punch-bowl which Mrs. Walker had given her; + and the lady's-maid gave her friend the “Book of Beauty” for last year, + and the third volume of Byron's poems from the drawing-room table. + </p> + <p> + “I'm dash'd if she ain't taken the little French clock, too,” said the + page, and so indeed Mrs. Walker had; it slipped in the basket where it lay + enveloped in one of her shawls, and then struck madly and unnaturally a + great number of times, as Morgiana was lifting her store of treasures out + of the hackney-coach. The coachman wagged his head sadly as he saw her + walking as quick as she could under her heavy load, and disappearing round + the corner of the street at which Mr. Balls's celebrated jewellery + establishment is situated. It is a grand shop, with magnificent silver + cups and salvers, rare gold-headed canes, flutes, watches, diamond + brooches, and a few fine specimens of the old masters in the window, and + under the words— + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + BALLS, JEWELLER, +</pre> + <p> + you read + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + Money Lent. +</pre> + <p> + in the very smallest type, on the door. + </p> + <p> + The interview with Mr. Balls need not be described; but it must have been + a satisfactory one, for at the end of half an hour Morgiana returned and + bounded into the coach with sparkling eyes, and told the driver to GALLOP + to Cursitor Street; which, smiling, he promised to do, and accordingly set + off in that direction at the rate of four miles an hour. “I thought so,” + said the philosophic charioteer. “When a man's in quod, a woman don't mind + her silver spoons;” and he was so delighted with her action, that he + forgot to grumble when she came to settle accounts with him, even though + she gave him only double his fare. + </p> + <p> + “Take me to him,” said she to the young Hebrew who opened the door. + </p> + <p> + “To whom?” says the sarcastic youth; “there's twenty HIM'S here. You're + precious early.” + </p> + <p> + “To Captain Walker, young man,” replied Morgiana haughtily; whereupon the + youth opening the second door, and seeing Mr. Bendigo in a flowered + dressing-gown descending the stairs, exclaimed, “Papa, here's a lady for + the Captain.” “I'm come to free him,” said she, trembling, and holding out + a bundle of bank-notes. “Here's the amount of your claim, sir—two + hundred and twenty guineas, as you told me last night.” The Jew took the + notes, and grinned as he looked at her, and grinned double as he looked at + his son, and begged Mrs. Walker to step into his study and take a receipt. + When the door of that apartment closed upon the lady and his father, Mr. + Bendigo the younger fell back in an agony of laughter, which it is + impossible to describe in words, and presently ran out into a court where + some of the luckless inmates of the house were already taking the air, and + communicated something to them which made those individuals also laugh as + uproariously as he had previously done. + </p> + <p> + Well, after joyfully taking the receipt from Mr. Bendigo (how her cheeks + flushed and her heart fluttered as she dried it on the blotting-book!), + and after turning very pale again on hearing that the Captain had had a + very bad night: “And well he might, poor dear!” said she (at which Mr. + Bendigo, having no person to grin at, grinned at a marble bust of Mr. + Pitt, which ornamented his sideboard)—Morgiana, I say, these + preliminaries being concluded, was conducted to her husband's apartment, + and once more flinging her arms round her dearest Howard's neck, told him + with one of the sweetest smiles in the world, to make haste and get up and + come home, for breakfast was waiting and the carriage at the door. + </p> + <p> + “What do you mean, love?” said the Captain, starting up and looking + exceedingly surprised. + </p> + <p> + “I mean that my dearest is free; that the odious little creature is paid—at + least the horrid bailiff is.” + </p> + <p> + “Have you been to Baroski?” said Walker, turning very red. + </p> + <p> + “Howard!” said his wife, quite indignant. + </p> + <p> + “Did—did your mother give you the money?” asked the Captain. + </p> + <p> + “No; I had it by me” replies Mrs. Walker, with a very knowing look. + </p> + <p> + Walker was more surprised than ever. “Have you any more by you?” said he. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Walker showed him her purse with two guineas. “That is all, love,” + she said. “And I wish,” continued she, “you would give me a draft to pay a + whole list of little bills that have somehow all come in within the last + few days.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, well, you shall have the cheque,” continued Mr. Walker, and began + forthwith to make his toilet, which completed, he rang for Mr. Bendigo, + and his bill, and intimated his wish to go home directly. + </p> + <p> + The honoured bailiff brought the bill, but with regard to his being free, + said it was impossible. + </p> + <p> + “How impossible?” said Mrs. Walker, turning very red: and then very pale. + “Did I not pay just now?” + </p> + <p> + “So you did, and you've got the reshipt; but there's another detainer + against the Captain for a hundred and fifty. Eglantine and Mossrose, of + Bond Street;—perfumery for five years, you know.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't mean to say you were such a fool as to pay without asking if + there were any more detainers?” roared Walker to his wife. + </p> + <p> + “Yes, she was though,” chuckled Mr. Bendigo; “but she'll know better the + next time: and, besides, Captain, what's a hundred and fifty pounds to + you?” + </p> + <p> + Though Walker desired nothing so much in the world at that moment as the + liberty to knock down his wife, his sense of prudence overcame his desire + for justice: if that feeling may be called prudence on his part, which + consisted in a strong wish to cheat the bailiff into the idea that he + (Walker) was an exceedingly respectable and wealthy man. Many worthy + persons indulge in this fond notion, that they are imposing upon the + world; strive to fancy, for instance, that their bankers consider them men + of property because they keep a tolerable balance, pay little tradesmen's + bills with ostentatious punctuality, and so forth—but the world, let + us be pretty sure, is as wise as need be, and guesses our real condition + with a marvellous instinct, or learns it with curious skill. The London + tradesman is one of the keenest judges of human nature extant; and if a + tradesman, how much more a bailiff? In reply to the ironic question, + “What's a hundred and fifty pounds to you?” Walker, collecting himself, + answers, “It is an infamous imposition, and I owe the money no more than + you do; but, nevertheless, I shall instruct my lawyers to pay it in the + course of the morning: under protest, of course.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, of course,” said Mr. Bendigo, bowing and quitting the room, and + leaving Mrs. Walker to the pleasure of a tete-a-tete with her husband. + </p> + <p> + And now being alone with the partner of his bosom, the worthy gentleman + began an address to her which cannot be put down on paper here; because + the world is exceedingly squeamish, and does not care to hear the whole + truth about rascals, and because the fact is that almost every other word + of the Captain's speech was a curse, such as would shock the beloved + reader were it put in print. + </p> + <p> + Fancy, then, in lieu of the conversation, a scoundrel, disappointed and in + a fury, wreaking his brutal revenge upon an amiable woman, who sits + trembling and pale, and wondering at this sudden exhibition of wrath. + Fancy how he clenches his fists and stands over her, and stamps and + screams out curses with a livid face, growing wilder and wilder in his + rage; wrenching her hand when she wants to turn away, and only stopping at + last when she has fallen off the chair in a fainting fit, with a + heart-breaking sob that made the Jew-boy who was listening at the key-hole + turn quite pale and walk away. Well, it is best, perhaps, that such a + conversation should not be told at length:—at the end of it, when + Mr. Walker had his wife lifeless on the floor, he seized a water-jug and + poured it over her; which operation pretty soon brought her to herself, + and shaking her black ringlets, she looked up once more again timidly into + his face, and took his hand, and began to cry. + </p> + <p> + He spoke now in a somewhat softer voice, and let her keep paddling on with + his hand as before; he COULDN'T speak very fiercely to the poor girl in + her attitude of defeat, and tenderness, and supplication. “Morgiana,” said + he, “your extravagance and carelessness have brought me to ruin, I'm + afraid. If you had chosen to have gone to Baroski, a word from you would + have made him withdraw the writ, and my property wouldn't have been + sacrificed, as it has now been, for nothing. It mayn't be yet too late, + however, to retrieve ourselves. This bill of Eglantine's is a regular + conspiracy, I am sure, between Mossrose and Bendigo here: you must go to + Eglantine—he's an old—an old flame of yours, you know.” + </p> + <p> + She dropped his hand: “I can't go to Eglantine after what has passed + between us,” she said; but Walker's face instantly began to wear a certain + look, and she said with a shudder, “Well, well, dear, I WILL go.” “You + will go to Eglantine, and ask him to take a bill for the amount of this + shameful demand—at any date, never mind what. Mind, however, to see + him alone, and I'm sure if you choose you can settle the business. Make + haste; set off directly, and come back, as there may be more detainers + in.” + </p> + <p> + Trembling, and in a great flutter, Morgiana put on her bonnet and gloves, + and went towards the door. “It's a fine morning,” said Mr. Walker, looking + out: “a walk will do you good; and—Morgiana—didn't you say you + had a couple of guineas in your pocket?” + </p> + <p> + “Here it is,” said she, smiling all at once, and holding up her face to be + kissed. She paid the two guineas for the kiss. Was it not a mean act? “Is + it possible that people can love where they do not respect?” says Miss + Prim: “<i>I</i> never would.” Nobody asked you, Miss Prim: but recollect + Morgiana was not born with your advantages of education and breeding; and + was, in fact, a poor vulgar creature, who loved Mr. Walker, not because + her mamma told her, nor because he was an exceedingly eligible and + well-brought-up young man, but because she could not help it, and knew no + better. Nor is Mrs. Walker set up as a model of virtue: ah, no! when I + want a model of virtue I will call in Baker Street, and ask for a sitting + of my dear (if I may be permitted to say so) Miss Prim. + </p> + <p> + We have Mr. Howard Walker safely housed in Mr. Bendigo's establishment in + Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane; and it looks like mockery and want of + feeling towards the excellent hero of this story (or, as should rather be + said, towards the husband of the heroine) to say what he might have been + but for the unlucky little circumstance of Baroski's passion for Morgiana. + </p> + <p> + If Baroski had not fallen in love with Morgiana, he would not have given + her two hundred guineas' worth of lessons; he would not have so far + presumed as to seize her hand, and attempt to kiss it; if he had not + attempted to kiss her, she would not have boxed his ears; he would not + have taken out the writ against Walker; Walker would have been free, very + possibly rich, and therefore certainly respected: he always said that a + month's more liberty would have set him beyond the reach of misfortune. + </p> + <p> + The assertion is very likely a correct one; for Walker had a flashy + enterprising genius, which ends in wealth sometimes; in the King's Bench + not seldom; occasionally, alas! in Van Diemen's Land. He might have been + rich, could he have kept his credit, and had not his personal expenses and + extravagances pulled him down. He had gallantly availed himself of his + wife's fortune; nor could any man in London, as he proudly said, have made + five hundred pounds go so far. He had, as we have seen, furnished a house, + sideboard, and cellar with it: he had a carriage, and horses in his + stable, and with the remainder he had purchased shares in four companies—of + three of which he was founder and director, had conducted innumerable + bargains in the foreign stocks, had lived and entertained sumptuously, and + made himself a very considerable income. He had set up THE CAPITOL Loan + and Life Assurance Company, had discovered the Chimborazo gold mines, and + the Society for Recovering and Draining the Pontine Marshes; capital ten + millions; patron HIS HOLINESS THE POPE. It certainly was stated in an + evening paper that His Holiness had made him a Knight of the Spur, and had + offered to him the rank of Count; and he was raising a loan for His + Highness, the Cacique of Panama, who had sent him (by way of dividend) the + grand cordon of His Highness's order of the Castle and Falcon, which might + be seen any day at his office in Bond Street, with the parchments signed + and sealed by the Grand Master and Falcon King-at-arms of His Highness. In + a week more Walker would have raised a hundred thousand pounds on His + Highness's twenty per cent. loan; he would have had fifteen thousand + pounds commission for himself; his companies would have risen to par, he + would have realised his shares; he would have gone into Parliament; he + would have been made a baronet, who knows? a peer, probably! “And I appeal + to you, sir,” Walker would say to his friends, “could any man have shown + better proof of his affection for his wife than by laying out her little + miserable money as I did? They call me heartless, sir, because I didn't + succeed; sir, my life has been a series of sacrifices for that woman, such + as no man ever performed before.” + </p> + <p> + A proof of Walker's dexterity and capability for business may be seen in + the fact that he had actually appeased and reconciled one of his bitterest + enemies—our honest friend Eglantine. After Walker's marriage + Eglantine, who had now no mercantile dealings with his former agent, + became so enraged with him, that, as the only means of revenge in his + power, he sent him in his bill for goods supplied to the amount of one + hundred and fifty guineas, and sued him for the amount. But Walker stepped + boldly over to his enemy, and in the course of half an hour they were + friends. + </p> + <p> + Eglantine promised to forego his claim; and accepted in lieu of it three + hundred-pound shares of the ex-Panama stock, bearing twenty-five per + cent., payable half-yearly at the house of Hocus Brothers, St. Swithin's + Lane; three hundred-pound shares, and the SECOND class of the order of the + Castle and Falcon, with the riband and badge. “In four years, Eglantine, + my boy, I hope to get you the Grand Cordon of the order,” said Walker: “I + hope to see you a KNIGHT GRAND CROSS, with a grant of a hundred thousand + acres reclaimed from the Isthmus.” + </p> + <p> + To do my poor Eglantine justice, he did not care for the hundred thousand + acres—it was the star that delighted him—ah! how his fat chest + heaved with delight as he sewed on the cross and riband to his dress-coat, + and lighted up four wax candles and looked at himself in the glass. He was + known to wear a great-coat after that—it was that he might wear the + cross under it. That year he went on a trip to Boulogne. He was dreadfully + ill during the voyage, but as the vessel entered the port he was seen to + emerge from the cabin, his coat open, the star blazing on his chest; the + soldiers saluted him as he walked the streets, he was called Monsieur le + Chevalier, and when he went home he entered into negotiations with Walker + to purchase a commission in His Highness's service. Walker said he would + get him the nominal rank of Captain, the fees at the Panama War Office + were five-and-twenty pounds, which sum honest Eglantine produced, and had + his commission, and a pack of visiting cards printed as Captain Archibald + Eglantine, K.C.F. Many a time he looked at them as they lay in his desk, + and he kept the cross in his dressing-table, and wore it as he shaved + every morning. + </p> + <p> + His Highness the Cacique, it is well known, came to England, and had + lodgings in Regent Street, where he held a levee, at which Eglantine + appeared in the Panama uniform, and was most graciously received by his + Sovereign. His Highness proposed to make Captain Eglantine his + aide-de-camp with the rank of Colonel, but the Captain's exchequer was + rather low at that moment, and the fees at the “War Office” were + peremptory. Meanwhile His Highness left Regent Street, was said by some to + have returned to Panama, by others to be in his native city of Cork, by + others to be leading a life of retirement in the New Cut, Lambeth; at any + rate was not visible for some time, so that Captain Eglantine's + advancement did not take place. Eglantine was somehow ashamed to mention + his military and chivalric rank to Mr. Mossrose, when that gentleman came + into partnership with him; and kept these facts secret, until they were + detected by a very painful circumstance. On the very day when Walker was + arrested at the suit of Benjamin Baroski, there appeared in the newspapers + an account of the imprisonment of His Highness the Prince of Panama for a + bill owing to a licensed victualler in Ratcliff Highway. The magistrate to + whom the victualler subsequently came to complain passed many pleasantries + on the occasion. He asked whether His Highness did not drink like a swan + with two necks; whether he had brought any Belles savages with him from + Panama, and so forth; and the whole court, said the report, “was convulsed + with laughter when Boniface produced a green and yellow riband with a + large star of the order of the Castle and Falcon, with which His Highness + proposed to gratify him, in lieu of paying his little bill.” + </p> + <p> + It was as he was reading the above document with a bleeding heart that Mr. + Mossrose came in from his daily walk to the City. “Vell, Eglantine,” says + he, “have you heard the newsh?” + </p> + <p> + “About His Highness?” + </p> + <p> + “About your friend Valker; he's arrested for two hundred poundsh!” + </p> + <p> + Eglantine at this could contain no more; but told his story of how he had + been induced to accept three hundred pounds of Panama stock for his + account against Walker, and cursed his stars for his folly. “Vell, you've + only to bring in another bill,” said the younger perfumer; “swear he owes + you a hundred and fifty pounds, and we'll have a writ out against him this + afternoon.” + </p> + <p> + And so a second writ was taken out against Captain Walker. + </p> + <p> + “You'll have his wife here very likely in a day or two,” said Mr. Mossrose + to his partner; “them chaps always sends their wives, and I hope you know + how to deal with her.” + </p> + <p> + “I don't value her a fig's hend,” said Eglantine. “I'll treat her like the + dust of the hearth. After that woman's conduct to me, I should like to see + her have the haudacity to come here; and if she does, you'll see how I'll + serve her.” + </p> + <p> + The worthy perfumer was, in fact, resolved to be exceedingly hard-hearted + in his behaviour towards his old love, and acted over at night in bed the + scene which was to occur when the meeting should take place. Oh, thought + he, but it will be a grand thing to see the proud Morgiana on her knees to + me; and me a-pointing to the door, and saying, “Madam, you've steeled this + 'eart against you, you have;—bury the recollection of old times, of + those old times when I thought my 'eart would have broke, but it didn't—no: + 'earts are made of sterner stuff. I didn't die, as I thought I should; I + stood it, and live to see the woman I despised at my feet—ha, ha, at + my feet!” + </p> + <p> + In the midst of these thoughts Mr. Eglantine fell asleep; but it was + evident that the idea of seeing Morgiana once more agitated him + considerably, else why should he have been at the pains of preparing so + much heroism? His sleep was exceedingly fitful and troubled; he saw + Morgiana in a hundred shapes; he dreamed that he was dressing her hair; + that he was riding with her to Richmond; that the horse turned into a + dragon, and Morgiana into Woolsey, who took him by the throat and choked + him, while the dragon played the key-bugle. And in the morning when + Mossrose was gone to his business in the City, and he sat reading the + Morning Post in his study, ah! what a thump his heart gave as the lady of + his dreams actually stood before him! + </p> + <p> + Many a lady who purchased brushes at Eglantine's shop would have given ten + guineas for such a colour as his when he saw her. His heart beat + violently, he was almost choking in his stays: he had been prepared for + the visit, but his courage failed him now it had come. They were both + silent for some minutes. + </p> + <p> + “You know what I am come for,” at last said Morgiana from under her veil, + but she put it aside as she spoke. + </p> + <p> + “I—that is—yes—it's a painful affair, mem,” he said, + giving one look at her pale face, and then turning away in a flurry. “I + beg to refer you to Blunt, Hone, and Sharpus, my lawyers, mem,” he added, + collecting himself. + </p> + <p> + “I didn't expect this from YOU, Mr. Eglantine,” said the lady, and began + to sob. + </p> + <p> + “And after what's 'appened, I didn't expect a visit from YOU, mem. I + thought Mrs. Capting Walker was too great a dame to visit poor Harchibald + Eglantine (though some of the first men in the country DO visit him). Is + there anything in which I can oblige you, mem?” + </p> + <p> + “O heavens!” cried the poor woman; “have I no friend left? I never thought + that you, too, would have deserted me, Mr. Archibald.” + </p> + <p> + The “Archibald,” pronounced in the old way, had evidently an effect on the + perfumer; he winced and looked at her very eagerly for a moment. “What can + I do for you, mem?” at last said he. + </p> + <p> + “What is this bill against Mr. Walker, for which he is now in prison?” + </p> + <p> + “Perfumery supplied for five years; that man used more 'air-brushes than + any duke in the land, and as for eau-de-Cologne, he must have bathed + himself in it. He hordered me about like a lord. He never paid me one + shilling—he stabbed me in my most vital part—but ah! ah! never + mind THAT: and I said I would be revenged, and I AM.” + </p> + <p> + The perfumer was quite in a rage again by this time, and wiped his fat + face with his pocket-handkerchief, and glared upon Mrs. Walker with a most + determined air. + </p> + <p> + “Revenged on whom? Archibald—Mr. Eglantine, revenged on me—on + a poor woman whom you made miserable! You would not have done so once.” + </p> + <p> + “Ha! and a precious way you treated me ONCE,” said Eglantine: “don't talk + to me, mem, of ONCE. Bury the recollection of once for hever! I thought my + 'eart would have broke once, but no: 'earts are made of sterner stuff. I + didn't die, as I thought I should; I stood it—and I live to see the + woman who despised me at my feet.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Archibald!” was all the lady could say, and she fell to sobbing + again: it was perhaps her best argument with the perfumer. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Harchibald, indeed!” continued he, beginning to swell; “don't call me + Harchibald, Morgiana. Think what a position you might have held if you'd + chose: when, when—you MIGHT have called me Harchibald. Now it's no + use,” added he, with harrowing pathos; “but, though I've been wronged, I + can't bear to see women in tears—tell me what I can do.” + </p> + <p> + “Dear good Mr. Eglantine, send to your lawyers and stop this horrid + prosecution—take Mr. Walker's acknowledgment for the debt. If he is + free, he is sure to have a very large sum of money in a few days, and will + pay you all. Do not ruin him—do not ruin me by persisting now. Be + the old kind Eglantine you were.” + </p> + <p> + Eglantine took a hand, which Morgiana did not refuse; he thought about old + times. He had known her since childhood almost; as a girl he dandled her + on his knee at the “Kidneys;” as a woman he had adored her—his heart + was melted. + </p> + <p> + “He did pay me in a sort of way,” reasoned the perfumer with himself—“these + bonds, though they are not worth much, I took 'em for better or for worse, + and I can't bear to see her crying, and to trample on a woman in distress. + Morgiana,” he added, in a loud cheerful voice, “cheer up; I'll give you a + release for your husband: I WILL be the old kind Eglantine I was.” + </p> + <p> + “Be the old kind jackass you vash!” here roared a voice that made Mr. + Eglantine start. “Vy, vat an old fat fool you are, Eglantine, to give up + our just debts because a voman comes snivelling and crying to you—and + such a voman, too!” exclaimed Mr. Mossrose, for his was the voice. + </p> + <p> + “Such a woman, sir?” cried the senior partner. + </p> + <p> + “Yes; such a woman—vy, didn't she jilt you herself?—hasn't she + been trying the same game with Baroski; and are you so green as to give up + a hundred and fifty pounds because she takes a fancy to come vimpering + here? I won't, I can tell you. The money's as much mine as it is yours, + and I'll have it or keep Walker's body, that's what I will.” + </p> + <p> + At the presence of his partner, the timid good genius of Eglantine, which + had prompted him to mercy and kindness, at once outspread its frightened + wings and flew away. + </p> + <p> + “You see how it is, Mrs. W.,” said he, looking down; “it's an affair of + business—in all these here affairs of business Mr. Mossrose is the + managing man; ain't you, Mr. Mossrose?” + </p> + <p> + “A pretty business it would be if I wasn't,” replied Mossrose, doggedly. + “Come, ma'am,” says he, “I'll tell you vat I do: I take fifty per shent; + not a farthing less—give me that, and out your husband goes.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, sir, Howard will pay you in a week.” + </p> + <p> + “Vell, den, let him stop at my uncle Bendigo's for a week, and come out + den—he's very comfortable there,” said Shylock with a grin. “Hadn't + you better go to the shop, Mr. Eglantine,” continued he, “and look after + your business? Mrs. Walker can't want you to listen to her all day.” + </p> + <p> + Eglantine was glad of the excuse, and slunk out of the studio; not into + the shop, but into his parlour; where he drank off a great glass of + maraschino, and sat blushing and exceedingly agitated, until Mossrose came + to tell him that Mrs. W. was gone, and wouldn't trouble him any more. But + although he drank several more glasses of maraschino, and went to the play + that night, and to the Cider-cellars afterwards, neither the liquor, nor + the play, nor the delightful comic songs at the cellars, could drive Mrs. + Walker out of his head, and the memory of old times, and the image of her + pale weeping face. + </p> + <p> + Morgiana tottered out of the shop, scarcely heeding the voice of Mr. + Mossrose, who said, “I'll take forty per shent” (and went back to his duty + cursing himself for a soft-hearted fool for giving up so much of his + rights to a puling woman). Morgiana, I say, tottered out of the shop, and + went up Conduit Street, weeping, weeping with all her eyes. She was quite + faint, for she had taken nothing that morning but the glass of water which + the pastry-cook in the Strand had given her, and was forced to take hold + of the railings of a house for support just as a little gentleman with a + yellow handkerchief under his arm was issuing from the door. + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens, Mrs. Walker!” said the gentleman. It was no other than Mr. + Woolsey, who was going forth to try a body-coat for a customer. “Are you + ill?—what's the matter?—for God's sake come in!” and he took + her arm under his, and led her into his back-parlour, and seated her, and + had some wine and water before her in one minute, before she had said one + single word regarding herself. + </p> + <p> + As soon as she was somewhat recovered, and with the interruption of a + thousand sobs, the poor thing told as well as she could her little story. + Mr. Eglantine had arrested Mr. Walker: she had been trying to gain time + for him; Eglantine had refused. + </p> + <p> + “The hard-hearted cowardly brute to refuse HER anything!” said loyal Mr. + Woolsey. “My dear,” says he, “I've no reason to love your husband, and I + know too much about him to respect him; but I love and respect YOU, and + will spend my last shilling to serve you.” At which Morgiana could only + take his hand and cry a great deal more than ever. She said Mr. Walker + would have a great deal of money in a week, that he was the best of + husbands, and she was sure Mr. Woolsey would think better of him when he + knew him; that Mr. Eglantine's bill was one hundred and fifty pounds, but + that Mr. Mossrose would take forty per cent. if Mr. Woolsey could say how + much that was. + </p> + <p> + “I'll pay a thousand pound to do you good,” said Mr. Woolsey, bouncing up; + “stay here for ten minutes, my dear, until my return, and all shall be + right, as you will see.” He was back in ten minutes, and had called a cab + from the stand opposite (all the coachmen there had seen and commented on + Mrs. Walker's woebegone looks), and they were off for Cursitor Street in a + moment. “They'll settle the whole debt for twenty pounds,” said he, and + showed an order to that effect from Mr. Mossrose to Mr. Bendigo, + empowering the latter to release Walker on receiving Mr. Woolsey's + acknowledgment for the above sum. + </p> + <p> + “There's no use paying it,” said Mr. Walker, doggedly; “it would only be + robbing you, Mr. Woolsey—seven more detainers have come in while my + wife has been away. I must go through the court now; but,” he added in a + whisper to the tailor, “my good sir, my debts of HONOUR are sacred, and if + you will have the goodness to lend ME the twenty pounds, I pledge you my + word as a gentleman to return it when I come out of quod.” + </p> + <p> + It is probable that Mr. Woolsey declined this; for, as soon as he was + gone, Walker, in a tremendous fury, began cursing his wife for dawdling + three hours on the road. “Why the deuce, ma'am, didn't you take a cab?” + roared he, when he heard she had walked to Bond Street. “Those writs have + only been in half an hour, and I might have been off but for you.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Howard,” said she, “didn't you take—didn't I give you my—my + last shilling?” and fell back and wept again more bitterly than ever. + </p> + <p> + “Well, love,” said her amiable husband, turning rather red, “never mind, + it wasn't your fault. It is but going through the court. It is no great + odds. I forgive you.” + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0006" id="link2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. IN WHICH MR. WALKER STILL REMAINS IN DIFFICULTIES, BUT SHOWS + GREAT RESIGNATION UNDER HIS MISFORTUNES. + </h2> + <p> + The exemplary Walker, seeing that escape from his enemies was hopeless, + and that it was his duty as a man to turn on them and face them, now + determined to quit the splendid though narrow lodgings which Mr. Bendigo + had provided for him, and undergo the martyrdom of the Fleet. Accordingly, + in company with that gentleman, he came over to Her Majesty's prison, and + gave himself into the custody of the officers there; and did not apply for + the accommodation of the Rules (by which in those days the captivity of + some debtors was considerably lightened), because he knew perfectly well + that there was no person in the wide world who would give a security for + the heavy sums for which Walker was answerable. What these sums were is no + matter, and on this head we do not think it at all necessary to satisfy + the curiosity of the reader. He may have owed hundreds—thousands, + his creditors only can tell; he paid the dividend which has been formerly + mentioned, and showed thereby his desire to satisfy all claims upon him to + the uttermost farthing. + </p> + <p> + As for the little house in Connaught Square, when, after quitting her + husband, Morgiana drove back thither, the door was opened by the page, who + instantly thanked her to pay his wages; and in the drawing-room, on a + yellow satin sofa, sat a seedy man (with a pot of porter beside him placed + on an album for fear of staining the rosewood table), and the seedy man + signified that he had taken possession of the furniture in execution for a + judgment debt. Another seedy man was in the dining-room, reading a + newspaper, and drinking gin; he informed Mrs. Walker that he was the + representative of another judgment debt and of another execution:—“There's + another on 'em in the kitchen,” said the page, “taking an inwentory of the + furniture; and he swears he'll have you took up for swindling, for pawning + the plate.” + </p> + <p> + “Sir,” said Mr. Woolsey, for that worthy man had conducted Morgiana home—“sir,” + said he, shaking his stick at the young page, “if you give any more of + your impudence, I'll beat every button off your jacket:” and as there were + some four hundred of these ornaments, the page was silent. It was a great + mercy for Morgiana that the honest and faithful tailor had accompanied + her. The good fellow had waited very patiently for her for an hour in the + parlour or coffee-room of the lock-up house, knowing full well that she + would want a protector on her way homewards; and his kindness will be more + appreciated when it is stated that, during the time of his delay in the + coffee-room, he had been subject to the entreaties, nay, to the insults, + of Cornet Fipkin of the Blues, who was in prison at the suit of Linsey, + Woolsey and Co., and who happened to be taking his breakfast in the + apartment when his obdurate creditor entered it. The Cornet (a hero of + eighteen, who stood at least five feet three in his boots, and owed + fifteen thousand pounds) was so enraged at the obduracy of his creditor + that he said he would have thrown him out of the window but for the bars + which guarded it; and entertained serious thoughts of knocking the + tailor's head off, but that the latter, putting his right leg forward and + his fists in a proper attitude, told the young officer to “come on;” on + which the Cornet cursed the tailor for a “snob,” and went back to his + breakfast. + </p> + <p> + The execution people having taken charge of Mr. Walker's house, Mrs. + Walker was driven to take refuge with her mamma near “Sadler's Wells,” and + the Captain remained comfortably lodged in the Fleet. He had some ready + money, and with it managed to make his existence exceedingly comfortable. + He lived with the best society of the place, consisting of several + distinguished young noblemen and gentlemen. He spent the morning playing + at fives and smoking cigars; the evening smoking cigars and dining + comfortably. Cards came after dinner; and, as the Captain was an + experienced player, and near a score of years older than most of his + friends, he was generally pretty successful: indeed, if he had received + all the money that was owed to him, he might have come out of prison and + paid his creditors twenty shillings in the pound—that is, if he had + been minded to do so. But there is no use in examining into that point too + closely, for the fact is, young Fipkin only paid him forty pounds out of + seven hundred, for which he gave him I.O.U.'s; Algernon Deuceace not only + did not pay him three hundred and twenty which he lost at blind hookey, + but actually borrowed seven and sixpence in money from Walker, which has + never been repaid to this day; and Lord Doublequits actually lost nineteen + thousand pounds to him at heads and tails, which he never paid, pleading + drunkenness and his minority. The reader may recollect a paragraph which + went the round of the papers entitled— + </p> + <p> + “Affair of honour in the Fleet Prison.—Yesterday morning (behind the + pump in the second court) Lord D-bl-qu-ts and Captain H-w-rd W-lk-r (a + near relative, we understand, of his Grace the Duke of N-rf-lk) had a + hostile meeting and exchanged two shots. These two young sprigs of + nobility were attended to the ground by Major Flush, who, by the way, is + FLUSH no longer, and Captain Pam, late of the —— Dragoons. + Play is said to have been the cause of the quarrel, and the gallant + Captain is reported to have handled the noble lord's nose rather roughly + at one stage of the transactions.” + </p> + <p> + When Morgiana at “Sadler's Wells” heard these news, she was ready to faint + with terror; and rushed to the Fleet Prison, and embraced her lord and + master with her usual expansion and fits of tears: very much to that + gentleman's annoyance, who happened to be in company with Pain and Flush + at the time, and did not care that his handsome wife should be seen too + much in the dubious precincts of the Fleet. He had at least so much shame + about him, and had always rejected her entreaties to be allowed to inhabit + the prison with him. + </p> + <p> + “It is enough,” would he say, casting his eyes heavenward, and with a most + lugubrious countenance—“it is enough, Morgiana, that <i>I</i> should + suffer, even though your thoughtlessness has been the cause of my ruin. + But enough of THAT! I will not rebuke you for faults for which I know you + are now repentant; and I never could bear to see you in the midst of the + miseries of this horrible place. Remain at home with your mother, and let + me drag on the weary days here alone. If you can get me any more of that + pale sherry, my love, do. I require something to cheer me in solitude, and + have found my chest very much relieved by that wine. Put more pepper and + eggs, my dear, into the next veal-pie you make me. I can't eat the + horrible messes in the coffee-room here.” + </p> + <p> + It was Walker's wish, I can't tell why, except that it is the wish of a + great number of other persons in this strange world, to make his wife + believe that he was wretched in mind and ill in health; and all assertions + to this effect the simple creature received with numberless tears of + credulity: she would go home to Mrs. Crump, and say how her darling Howard + was pining away, how he was ruined for HER, and with what angelic + sweetness he bore his captivity. The fact is, he bore it with so much + resignation that no other person in the world could see that he was + unhappy. His life was undisturbed by duns; his day was his own from + morning till night; his diet was good, his acquaintances jovial, his purse + tolerably well supplied, and he had not one single care to annoy him. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Crump and Woolsey, perhaps, received Morgiana's account of her + husband's miseries with some incredulity. The latter was now a daily + visitor to “Sadler's Wells.” His love for Morgiana had become a warm + fatherly generous regard for her; it was out of the honest fellow's cellar + that the wine used to come which did so much good to Mr. Walker's chest; + and he tried a thousand ways to make Morgiana happy. + </p> + <p> + A very happy day, indeed, it was when, returning from her visit to the + Fleet, she found in her mother's sitting-room her dear grand rosewood + piano, and every one of her music-books, which the kind-hearted tailor had + purchased at the sale of Walker's effects. And I am not ashamed to say + that Morgiana herself was so charmed, that when, as usual, Mr. Woolsey + came to drink tea in the evening, she actually gave him a kiss; which + frightened Mr. Woolsey, and made him blush exceedingly. She sat down, and + played him that evening every one of the songs which he liked—the + OLD songs—none of your Italian stuff. Podmore, the old music-master, + was there too, and was delighted and astonished at the progress in singing + which Morgiana had made; and when the little party separated, he took Mr. + Woolsey by the hand, and said, “Give me leave to tell you, sir, that + you're a TRUMP.” + </p> + <p> + “That he is,” said Canterfield, the first tragic; “an honour to human + nature. A man whose hand is open as day to melting charity, and whose + heart ever melts at the tale of woman's distress.” + </p> + <p> + “Pooh, pooh, stuff and nonsense, sir,” said the tailor; but, upon my word, + Mr. Canterfield's words were perfectly correct. I wish as much could be + said in favour of Woolsey's old rival, Mr. Eglantine, who attended the + sale too, but it was with a horrid kind of satisfaction at the thought + that Walker was ruined. He bought the yellow satin sofa before mentioned, + and transferred it to what he calls his “sitting-room,” where it is to + this day, bearing many marks of the best bear's grease. Woolsey bid + against Baroski for the piano, very nearly up to the actual value of the + instrument, when the artist withdrew from competition; and when he was + sneering at the ruin of Mr. Walker, the tailor sternly interrupted him by + saying, “What the deuce are YOU sneering at? You did it, sir; and you're + paid every shilling of your claim, ain't you?” On which Baroski turned + round to Miss Larkins, and said, Mr. Woolsey was a “snop;” the very word, + though pronounced somewhat differently, which the gallant Cornet Fipkin + had applied to him. + </p> + <p> + Well; so he WAS a snob. But, vulgar as he was, I declare, for my part, + that I have a greater respect for Mr. Woolsey than for any single nobleman + or gentleman mentioned in this true history. + </p> + <p> + It will be seen from the names of Messrs. Canterfield and Podmore that + Morgiana was again in the midst of the widow Crump's favourite theatrical + society; and this, indeed, was the case. The widow's little room was hung + round with the pictures which were mentioned at the commencement of the + story as decorating the bar of the “Bootjack;” and several times in a week + she received her friends from “The Wells,” and entertained them with such + humble refreshments of tea and crumpets as her modest means permitted her + to purchase. Among these persons Morgiana lived and sang quite as + contentedly as she had ever done among the demireps of her husband's + society; and, only she did not dare to own it to herself, was a great deal + happier than she had been for many a day. Mrs. Captain Walker was still a + great lady amongst them. Even in his ruin, Walker, the director of three + companies, and the owner of the splendid pony-chaise, was to these simple + persons an awful character; and when mentioned they talked with a great + deal of gravity of his being in the country, and hoped Mrs. Captain W. had + good news of him. They all knew he was in the Fleet; but had he not in + prison fought a duel with a viscount? Montmorency (of the Norfolk Circuit) + was in the Fleet too; and when Canterfield went to see poor Montey, the + latter had pointed out Walker to his friend, who actually hit Lord George + Tennison across the shoulders in play with a racket-bat; which event was + soon made known to the whole green-room. + </p> + <p> + “They had me up one day,” said Montmorency, “to sing a comic song, and + give my recitations; and we had champagne and lobster-salad: SUCH nobs!” + added the player. “Billingsgate and Vauxhall were there too, and left + college at eight o'clock.” + </p> + <p> + When Morgiana was told of the circumstance by her mother, she hoped her + dear Howard had enjoyed the evening, and was thankful that for once he + could forget his sorrows. Nor, somehow, was she ashamed of herself for + being happy afterwards, but gave way to her natural good-humour without + repentance or self-rebuke. I believe, indeed (alas! why are we made + acquainted with the same fact regarding ourselves long after it is past + and gone?)—I believe these were the happiest days of Morgiana's + whole life. She had no cares except the pleasant one of attending on her + husband, an easy smiling temperament which made her regardless of + to-morrow; and, add to this, a delightful hope relative to a certain + interesting event which was about to occur, and which I shall not + particularise further than by saying, that she was cautioned against too + much singing by Mr. Squills, her medical attendant; and that widow Crump + was busy making up a vast number of little caps and diminutive cambric + shirts, such as delighted GRANDMOTHERS are in the habit of fashioning. I + hope this is as genteel a way of signifying the circumstance which was + about to take place in the Walker family as Miss Prim herself could + desire. Mrs. Walker's mother was about to become a grandmother. There's a + phrase! The Morning Post, which says this story is vulgar, I'm sure cannot + quarrel with that. I don't believe the whole Court Guide would convey an + intimation more delicately. + </p> + <p> + Well, Mrs. Crump's little grandchild was born, entirely to the + dissatisfaction, I must say, of his father; who, when the infant was + brought to him in the Fleet, had him abruptly covered up in his cloak + again, from which he had been removed by the jealous prison doorkeepers: + why, do you think? Walker had a quarrel with one of them, and the wretch + persisted in believing that the bundle Mrs. Crump was bringing to her + son-in-law was a bundle of disguised brandy! + </p> + <p> + “The brutes!” said the lady; “and the father's a brute, too,” said she. + “He takes no more notice of me than if I was a kitchen-maid, and of + Woolsey than if he was a leg of mutton—the dear blessed little + cherub!” + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Crump was a mother-in-law; let us pardon her hatred of her daughter's + husband. + </p> + <p> + The Woolsey compared in the above sentence both to a leg of mutton and a + cherub, was not the eminent member of the firm of Linsey, Woolsey, and + Co., but the little baby, who was christened Howard Woolsey Walker, with + the full consent of the father; who said the tailor was a deuced good + fellow, and felt really obliged to him for the sherry, for a frock-coat + which he let him have in prison, and for his kindness to Morgiana. The + tailor loved the little boy with all his soul; he attended his mother to + her churching, and the child to the font; and, as a present to his little + godson on his christening, he sent two yards of the finest white + kerseymere in his shop, to make him a cloak. The Duke had had a pair of + inexpressibles off that very piece. + </p> + <p> + House-furniture is bought and sold, music-lessons are given, children are + born and christened, ladies are confined and churched—time, in other + words, passes—and yet Captain Walker still remains in prison! Does + it not seem strange that he should still languish there between palisaded + walls near Fleet Market, and that he should not be restored to that active + and fashionable world of which he was an ornament? The fact is, the + Captain had been before the court for the examination of his debts; and + the Commissioner, with a cruelty quite shameful towards a fallen man, had + qualified his ways of getting money in most severe language, and had sent + him back to prison again for the space of nine calendar months, an + indefinite period, and until his accounts could be made up. This delay + Walker bore like a philosopher, and, far from repining, was still the + gayest fellow of the tennis-court, and the soul of the midnight carouse. + </p> + <p> + There is no use in raking up old stories, and hunting through files of + dead newspapers, to know what were the specific acts which made the + Commissioner so angry with Captain Walker. Many a rogue has come before + the Court, and passed through it since then: and I would lay a wager that + Howard Walker was not a bit worse than his neighbours. But as he was not a + lord, and as he had no friends on coming out of prison, and had settled no + money on his wife, and had, as it must be confessed, an exceedingly bad + character, it is not likely that the latter would be forgiven him when + once more free in the world. For instance, when Doublequits left the + Fleet, he was received with open arms by his family, and had + two-and-thirty horses in his stables before a week was over. Pam, of the + Dragoons, came out, and instantly got a place as government courier—a + place found so good of late years (and no wonder, it is better pay than + that of a colonel), that our noblemen and gentry eagerly press for it. + Frank Hurricane was sent out as registrar of Tobago, or Sago, or + Ticonderago; in fact, for a younger son of good family it is rather + advantageous to get into debt twenty or thirty thousand pounds: you are + sure of a good place afterwards in the colonies. Your friends are so + anxious to get rid of you, that they will move heaven and earth to serve + you. And so all the above companions of misfortune with Walker were + speedily made comfortable; but HE had no rich parents; his old father was + dead in York jail. How was he to start in the world again? What friendly + hand was there to fill his pocket with gold, and his cup with sparkling + champagne? He was, in fact, an object of the greatest pity—for I + know of no greater than a gentleman of his habits without the means of + gratifying them. He must live well, and he has not the means. Is there a + more pathetic case? As for a mere low beggar—some labourless + labourer, or some weaver out of place—don't let us throw away our + compassion upon THEM. Psha! they're accustomed to starve. They CAN sleep + upon boards, or dine off a crust; whereas a gentleman would die in the + same situation. I think this was poor Morgiana's way of reasoning. For + Walker's cash in prison beginning presently to run low, and knowing quite + well that the dear fellow could not exist there without the luxuries to + which he had been accustomed, she borrowed money from her mother, until + the poor old lady was a sec. She even confessed, with tears, to Woolsey, + that she was in particular want of twenty pounds, to pay a poor milliner, + whose debt she could not bear to put in her husband's schedule. And I need + not say she carried the money to her husband, who might have been greatly + benefited by it—only he had a bad run of luck at the cards; and how + the deuce can a man help THAT? + </p> + <p> + Woolsey had repurchased for her one of the Cashmere shawls. She left it + behind her one day at the Fleet prison, and some rascal stole it there; + having the grace, however, to send Woolsey the ticket, signifying the + place where it had been pawned. Who could the scoundrel have been? Woolsey + swore a great oath, and fancied he knew; but if it was Walker himself (as + Woolsey fancied, and probably as was the case) who made away with the + shawl, being pressed thereto by necessity, was it fair to call him a + scoundrel for so doing, and should we not rather laud the delicacy of his + proceeding? He was poor: who can command the cards? But he did not wish + his wife should know HOW poor: he could not bear that she should suppose + him arrived at the necessity of pawning a shawl. + </p> + <p> + She who had such beautiful ringlets, of a sudden pleaded cold in the head, + and took to wearing caps. One summer evening, as she and the baby and Mrs. + Crump and Woolsey (let us say all four babies together) were laughing and + playing in Mrs. Crump's drawing-room—playing the most absurd + gambols, fat Mrs. Crump, for instance, hiding behind the sofa, Woolsey + chuck-chucking, cock-a-doodle-dooing, and performing those indescribable + freaks which gentlemen with philoprogenitive organs will execute in the + company of children—in the midst of their play the baby gave a tug + at his mother's cap; off it came—her hair was cut close to her head! + </p> + <p> + Morgiana turned as red as sealing-wax, and trembled very much; Mrs. Crump + screamed, “My child, where is your hair?” and Woolsey, bursting out with a + most tremendous oath against Walker that would send Miss Prim into + convulsions, put his handkerchief to his face, and actually wept. “The + infernal bubble-ubble-ackguard!” said he, roaring and clenching his fists. + </p> + <p> + As he had passed the Bower of Bloom a few days before, he saw Mossrose, + who was combing out a jet-black ringlet, and held it up, as if for + Woolsey's examination, with a peculiar grin. The tailor did not understand + the joke, but he saw now what had happened. Morgiana had sold her hair for + five guineas; she would have sold her arm had her husband bidden her. On + looking in her drawers it was found she had sold almost all her wearing + apparel; the child's clothes were all there, however. It was because her + husband talked of disposing of a gilt coral that the child had, that she + had parted with the locks which had formed her pride. + </p> + <p> + “I'll give you twenty guineas for that hair, you infamous fat coward,” + roared the little tailor to Eglantine that evening. “Give it up, or I'll + kill you-” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Mossrose! Mr. Mossrose!” shouted the perfumer. + </p> + <p> + “Vell, vatsh de matter, vatsh de row, fight avay, my boys; two to one on + the tailor,” said Mr. Mossrose, much enjoying the sport (for Woolsey, + striding through the shop without speaking to him, had rushed into the + studio, where he plumped upon Eglantine). + </p> + <p> + “Tell him about that hair, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “That hair! Now keep yourself quiet, Mister Timble, and don't tink for to + bully ME. You mean Mrs. Valker's 'air? Vy, she sold it me.” + </p> + <p> + “And the more blackguard you for buying it! Will you take twenty guineas + for it?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” said Mossrose. + </p> + <p> + “Twenty-five?” + </p> + <p> + “Can't,” said Mossrose. + </p> + <p> + “Hang it! will you take forty? There!” + </p> + <p> + “I vish I'd kep it,” said the Hebrew gentleman, with unfeigned regret. + “Eglantine dressed it this very night.” + </p> + <p> + “For Countess Baldenstiern, the Swedish Hambassador's lady,” says + Eglantine (his Hebrew partner was by no means a favourite with the ladies, + and only superintended the accounts of the concern). “It's this very night + at Devonshire 'Ouse, with four hostrich plumes, lappets, and trimmings. + And now, Mr. Woolsey, I'll trouble you to apologise.” + </p> + <p> + Mr. Woolsey did not answer, but walked up to Mr. Eglantine, and snapped + his fingers so close under the perfumer's nose that the latter started + back and seized the bell-rope. Mossrose burst out laughing, and the tailor + walked majestically from the shop, with both hands stuck between the + lappets of his coat. + </p> + <p> + “My dear,” said he to Morgiana a short time afterwards, “you must not + encourage that husband of yours in his extravagance, and sell the clothes + off your poor back that he may feast and act the fine gentleman in + prison.” + </p> + <p> + “It is his health, poor dear soul!” interposed Mrs. Walker: “his chest. + Every farthing of the money goes to the doctors, poor fellow!” + </p> + <p> + “Well, now listen: I am a rich man” (it was a great fib, for Woolsey's + income, as a junior partner of the firm, was but a small one); “I can very + well afford to make him an allowance while he is in the Fleet, and have + written to him to say so. But if you ever give him a penny, or sell a + trinket belonging to you, upon my word and honour I will withdraw the + allowance, and, though it would go to my heart, I'll never see you again. + You wouldn't make me unhappy, would you?” + </p> + <p> + “I'd go on my knees to serve you, and Heaven bless you,” said the wife. + </p> + <p> + “Well, then, you must give me this promise.” And she did. “And now,” said + he, “your mother, and Podmore, and I have been talking over matters, and + we've agreed that you may make a very good income for yourself; though, to + be sure, I wish it could have been managed any other way; but needs must, + you know. You're the finest singer in the universe.” + </p> + <p> + “La!” said Morgiana, highly delighted. + </p> + <p> + “<i>I</i> never heard anything like you, though I'm no judge. Podmore says + he is sure you will do very well, and has no doubt you might get very good + engagements at concerts or on the stage; and as that husband will never do + any good, and you have a child to support, sing you must.” + </p> + <p> + “Oh! how glad I should be to pay his debts and repay all he has done for + me,” cried Mrs. Walker. “Think of his giving two hundred guineas to Mr. + Baroski to have me taught. Was not that kind of him? Do you REALLY think I + should succeed? + </p> + <p> + “There's Miss Larkins has succeeded.” + </p> + <p> + “The little high-shouldered vulgar thing!” says Morgiana. “I'm sure I + ought to succeed if SHE did.” + </p> + <p> + “She sing against Morgiana?” said Mrs. Crump. “I'd like to see her, + indeed! She ain't fit to snuff a candle to her.” + </p> + <p> + “I dare say not,” said the tailor, “though I don't understand the thing + myself: but if Morgiana can make a fortune, why shouldn't she?” + </p> + <p> + “Heaven knows we want it, Woolsey,” cried Mrs. Crump. “And to see her on + the stage was always the wish of my heart:” and so it had formerly been + the wish of Morgiana; and now, with the hope of helping her husband and + child, the wish became a duty, and she fell to practising once more from + morning till night. + </p> + <p> + One of the most generous of men and tailors who ever lived now promised, + if further instruction should be considered necessary (though that he + could hardly believe possible), that he would lend Morgiana any sum + required for the payment of lessons; and accordingly she once more betook + herself, under Podmore's advice, to the singing school. Baroski's academy + was, after the passages between them, out of the question, and she placed + herself under the instruction of the excellent English composer Sir George + Thrum, whose large and awful wife, Lady Thrum, dragon of virtue and + propriety, kept watch over the master and the pupils, and was the sternest + guardian of female virtue on or off any stage. + </p> + <p> + Morgiana came at a propitious moment. Baroski had launched Miss Larkins + under the name of Ligonier. The Ligonier was enjoying considerable + success, and was singing classical music to tolerable audiences; whereas + Miss Butts, Sir George's last pupil, had turned out a complete failure, + and the rival house was only able to make a faint opposition to the new + star with Miss M'Whirter, who, though an old favourite, had lost her upper + notes and her front teeth, and, the fact was, drew no longer. + </p> + <p> + Directly Sir George heard Mrs. Walker, he tapped Podmore, who accompanied + her, on the waistcoat, and said, “Poddy, thank you; we'll cut the orange + boy's throat with that voice.” It was by the familiar title of orange boy + that the great Baroski was known among his opponents. + </p> + <p> + “We'll crush him, Podmore,” said Lady Thrum, in her deep hollow voice. + “You may stop and dine.” And Podmore stayed to dinner, and ate cold + mutton, and drank Marsala with the greatest reverence for the great + English composer. The very next day Lady Thrum hired a pair of horses, and + paid a visit to Mrs. Crump and her daughter at “Sadler's Wells.” + </p> + <p> + All these things were kept profoundly secret from Walker, who received + very magnanimously the allowance of two guineas a week which Woolsey made + him, and with the aid of the few shillings his wife could bring him, + managed to exist as best he might. He did not dislike gin when he could + get no claret, and the former liquor, under the name of “tape,” used to be + measured out pretty liberally in what was formerly Her Majesty's prison of + the Fleet. + </p> + <p> + Morgiana pursued her studies under Thrum, and we shall hear in the next + chapter how it was she changed her name to RAVENSWING. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0007" id="link2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. IN WHICH MORGIANA ADVANCES TOWARDS FAME AND HONOUR, AND IN + WHICH SEVERAL GREAT LITERARY CHARACTERS MAKE THEIR APPEARANCE. + </h2> + <p> + “We must begin, my dear madam,” said Sir George Thrum, “by unlearning all + that Mr. Baroski (of whom I do not wish to speak with the slightest + disrespect) has taught you!” + </p> + <p> + Morgiana knew that every professor says as much, and submitted to undergo + the study requisite for Sir George's system with perfect good grace. Au + fond, as I was given to understand, the methods of the two artists were + pretty similar; but as there was rivalry between them, and continual + desertion of scholars from one school to another, it was fair for each to + take all the credit he could get in the success of any pupil. If a pupil + failed, for instance, Thrum would say Baroski had spoiled her + irretrievably; while the German would regret “Dat dat yong voman, who had + a good organ, should have trown away her dime wid dat old Drum.” When one + of these deserters succeeded, “Yes, yes,” would either professor cry, “I + formed her; she owes her fortune to me.” Both of them thus, in future + days, claimed the education of the famous Ravenswing; and even Sir George + Thrum, though he wished to ecraser the Ligonier, pretended that her + present success was his work because once she had been brought by her + mother, Mrs. Larkins, to sing for Sir George's approval. + </p> + <p> + When the two professors met it was with the most delighted cordiality on + the part of both. “Mein lieber Herr,” Thrum would say (with some malice), + “your sonata in x flat is divine.” “Chevalier,” Baroski would reply, “dat + andante movement in w is worthy of Beethoven. I gif you my sacred honour,” + and so forth. In fact, they loved each other as gentlemen in their + profession always do. + </p> + <p> + The two famous professors conduct their academies on very opposite + principles. Baroski writes ballet music; Thrum, on the contrary, says “he + cannot but deplore the dangerous fascinations of the dance,” and writes + more for Exeter Hall and Birmingham. While Baroski drives a cab in the + Park with a very suspicious Mademoiselle Leocadie, or Amenaide, by his + side, you may see Thrum walking to evening church with his lady, and hymns + are sung there of his own composition. He belongs to the “Athenaeum Club,” + he goes to the Levee once a year, he does everything that a respectable + man should; and if, by the means of this respectability, he manages to + make his little trade far more profitable than it otherwise would be, are + we to quarrel with him for it? + </p> + <p> + Sir George, in fact, had every reason to be respectable. He had been a + choir-boy at Windsor, had played to the old King's violoncello, had been + intimate with him, and had received knighthood at the hand of his revered + sovereign. He had a snuff-box which His Majesty gave him, and portraits of + him and the young princes all over the house. He had also a foreign order + (no other, indeed, than the Elephant and Castle of + Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel), conferred upon him by the Grand Duke when here + with the allied sovereigns in 1814. With this ribbon round his neck, on + gala days, and in a white waistcoat, the old gentleman looked splendid as + he moved along in a blue coat with the Windsor button, and neat black + small-clothes, and silk stockings. He lived in an old tall dingy house, + furnished in the reign of George III., his beloved master, and not much + more cheerful now than a family vault. They are awfully funereal, those + ornaments of the close of the last century—tall gloomy horse-hair + chairs, mouldy Turkey carpets with wretched druggets to guard them, little + cracked sticking-plaster miniatures of people in tours and pigtails over + high-shouldered mantelpieces, two dismal urns on each side of a lanky + sideboard, and in the midst a queer twisted receptacle for worn-out knives + with green handles. Under the sideboard stands a cellaret that looks as if + it held half a bottle of currant wine, and a shivering plate-warmer that + never could get any comfort out of the wretched old cramped grate yonder. + Don't you know in such houses the grey gloom that hangs over the stairs, + the dull-coloured old carpet that winds its way up the same, growing + thinner, duller, and more threadbare as it mounts to the bedroom floors? + There is something awful in the bedroom of a respectable old couple of + sixty-five. Think of the old feathers, turbans, bugles, petticoats, + pomatum-pots, spencers, white satin shoes, false fronts, the old flaccid + boneless stays tied up in faded riband, the dusky fans, the old + forty-years-old baby linen, the letters of Sir George when he was young, + the doll of poor Maria who died in 1803, Frederick's first corduroy + breeches, and the newspaper which contains the account of his + distinguishing himself at the siege of Seringapatam. All these lie + somewhere, damp and squeezed down into glum old presses and wardrobes. At + that glass the wife has sat many times these fifty years; in that old + morocco bed her children were born. Where are they now? Fred the brave + captain, and Charles the saucy colleger: there hangs a drawing of him done + by Mr. Beechey, and that sketch by Cosway was the very likeness of Louisa + before— + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Fitz-Boodle! for Heaven's sake come down. What are you doing in a + lady's bedroom?” + </p> + <p> + “The fact is, madam, I had no business there in life; but, having had + quite enough wine with Sir George, my thoughts had wandered upstairs into + the sanctuary of female excellence, where your Ladyship nightly reposes. + You do not sleep so well now as in old days, though there is no patter of + little steps to wake you overhead.” + </p> + <p> + They call that room the nursery still, and the little wicket still hangs + at the upper stairs: it has been there for forty years—bon Dieu! + Can't you see the ghosts of little faces peering over it? I wonder whether + they get up in the night as the moonlight shines into the blank vacant old + room, and play there solemnly with little ghostly horses, and the spirits + of dolls, and tops that turn and turn but don't hum. + </p> + <p> + Once more, sir, come down to the lower storey—that is to the + Morgiana story—with which the above sentences have no more to do + than this morning's leading article in The Times; only it was at this + house of Sir George Thrum's that I met Morgiana. Sir George, in old days, + had instructed some of the female members of our family, and I recollect + cutting my fingers as a child with one of those attenuated green-handled + knives in the queer box yonder. + </p> + <p> + In those days Sir George Thrum was the first great musical teacher of + London, and the royal patronage brought him a great number of fashionable + pupils, of whom Lady Fitz-Boodle was one. It was a long long time ago: in + fact, Sir George Thrum was old enough to remember persons who had been + present at Mr. Braham's first appearance, and the old gentleman's days of + triumph had been those of Billington and Incledon, Catalani and Madame + Storace. + </p> + <p> + He was the author of several operas (“The Camel Driver,” “Britons Alarmed; + or, the Siege of Bergen-op-Zoom,” etc. etc.), and, of course, of songs + which had considerable success in their day, but are forgotten now, and + are as much faded and out of fashion as those old carpets which we have + described in the professor's house, and which were, doubtless, very + brilliant once. But such is the fate of carpets, of flowers, of music, of + men, and of the most admirable novels—even this story will not be + alive for many centuries. Well, well, why struggle against Fate? + </p> + <p> + But, though his heyday of fashion was gone, Sir George still held his + place among the musicians of the old school, conducted occasionally at the + Ancient Concerts and the Philharmonic, and his glees are still favourites + after public dinners, and are sung by those old bacchanalians, in chestnut + wigs, who attend for the purpose of amusing the guests on such occasions + of festivity. The great old people at the gloomy old concerts before + mentioned always pay Sir George marked respect; and, indeed, from the old + gentleman's peculiar behaviour to his superiors, it is impossible they + should not be delighted with him, so he leads at almost every one of the + concerts in the old-fashioned houses in town. + </p> + <p> + Becomingly obsequious to his superiors, he is with the rest of the world + properly majestic, and has obtained no small success by his admirable and + undeviating respectability. Respectability has been his great card through + life; ladies can trust their daughters at Sir George Thrum's academy. “A + good musician, madam,” says he to the mother of a new pupil, “should not + only have a fine ear, a good voice, and an indomitable industry, but, + above all, a faultless character—faultless, that is, as far as our + poor nature will permit. And you will remark that those young persons with + whom your lovely daughter, Miss Smith, will pursue her musical studies, + are all, in a moral point of view, as spotless as that charming young + lady. How should it be otherwise? I have been myself the father of a + family; I have been honoured with the intimacy of the wisest and best of + kings, my late sovereign George III., and I can proudly show an example of + decorum to my pupils in my Sophia. Mrs. Smith, I have the honour of + introducing to you my Lady Thrum.” + </p> + <p> + The old lady would rise at this, and make a gigantic curtsey, such a one + as had begun the minuet at Ranelagh fifty years ago; and, the introduction + ended, Mrs. Smith would retire, after having seen the portraits of the + princes, his late Majesty's snuff-box, and a piece of music which he used + to play, noted by himself—Mrs. Smith, I say, would drive back to + Baker Street, delighted to think that her Frederica had secured so + eligible and respectable a master. I forgot to say that, during the + interview between Mrs. Smith and Sir George, the latter would be called + out of his study by his black servant, and my Lady Thrum would take that + opportunity of mentioning when he was knighted, and how he got his foreign + order, and deploring the sad condition of OTHER musical professors, and + the dreadful immorality which sometimes arose in consequence of their + laxness. Sir George was a good deal engaged to dinners in the season, and + if invited to dine with a nobleman, as he might possibly be on the day + when Mrs. Smith requested the honour of his company, he would write back + “that he should have had the sincerest happiness in waiting upon Mrs. + Smith in Baker Street, if, previously, my Lord Tweedledale had not been so + kind as to engage him.” This letter, of course, shown by Mrs. Smith to her + friends, was received by them with proper respect; and thus, in spite of + age and new fashions, Sir George still reigned pre-eminent for a mile + round Cavendish Square. By the young pupils of the academy he was called + Sir Charles Grandison; and, indeed, fully deserved this title on account + of the indomitable respectability of his whole actions. + </p> + <p> + It was under this gentleman that Morgiana made her debut in public life. I + do not know what arrangements may have been made between Sir George Thrum + and his pupil regarding the profits which were to accrue to the former + from engagements procured by him for the latter; but there was, no doubt, + an understanding between them. For Sir George, respectable as he was, had + the reputation of being extremely clever at a bargain; and Lady Thrum + herself, in her great high-tragedy way, could purchase a pair of soles or + select a leg of mutton with the best housekeeper in London. + </p> + <p> + When, however, Morgiana had been for some six months under his tuition, he + began, for some reason or other, to be exceedingly hospitable, and invited + his friends to numerous entertainments: at one of which, as I have said, I + had the pleasure of meeting Mrs. Walker. + </p> + <p> + Although the worthy musician's dinners were not good, the old knight had + some excellent wine in his cellar, and his arrangement of his party + deserves to be commended. + </p> + <p> + For instance, he meets me and Bob Fitz-Urse in Pall Mall, at whose + paternal house he was also a visitor. “My dear young gentlemen,” says he, + “will you come and dine with a poor musical composer? I have some Comet + hock, and, what is more curious to you, perhaps, as men of wit, one or two + of the great literary characters of London whom you would like to see—quite + curiosities, my dear young friends.” And we agreed to go. + </p> + <p> + To the literary men he says: “I have a little quiet party at home: Lord + Roundtowers, the Honourable Mr. Fitz-Urse of the Life Guards, and a few + more. Can you tear yourself away from the war of wits, and take a quiet + dinner with a few mere men about town?” + </p> + <p> + The literary men instantly purchase new satin stocks and white gloves, and + are delighted to fancy themselves members of the world of fashion. Instead + of inviting twelve Royal Academicians, or a dozen authors, or a dozen men + of science to dinner, as his Grace the Duke of —— and the + Right Honourable Sir Robert —— are in the habit of doing once + a year, this plan of fusion is the one they should adopt. Not invite all + artists, as they would invite all farmers to a rent dinner; but they + should have a proper commingling of artists and men of the world. There is + one of the latter whose name is George Savage Fitz-Boodle, who— But + let us return to Sir George Thrum. + </p> + <p> + Fitz-Urse and I arrive at the dismal old house, and are conducted up the + staircase by a black servant, who shouts out, “Missa Fiss-Boodle—the + HONOURABLE Missa Fiss-Urse!” It was evident that Lady Thrum had instructed + the swarthy groom of the chambers (for there is nothing particularly + honourable in my friend Fitz's face that I know of, unless an abominable + squint may be said to be so). Lady Thrum, whose figure is something like + that of the shot-tower opposite Waterloo Bridge, makes a majestic + inclination and a speech to signify her pleasure at receiving under her + roof two of the children of Sir George's best pupils. A lady in black + velvet is seated by the old fireplace, with whom a stout gentleman in an + exceedingly light coat and ornamental waistcoat is talking very busily. + “The great star of the night,” whispers our host. “Mrs. Walker, gentlemen—the + RAVENSWING! She is talking to the famous Mr. Slang, of the —— + Theatre.” + </p> + <p> + “Is she a fine singer?” says Fitz-Urse. “She's a very fine woman.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear young friends, you shall hear to-night! I, who have heard every + fine voice in Europe, confidently pledge my respectability that the + Ravenswing is equal to them all. She has the graces, sir, of a Venus with + the mind of a Muse. She is a siren, sir, without the dangerous qualities + of one. She is hallowed, sir, by her misfortunes as by her genius; and I + am proud to think that my instructions have been the means of developing + the wondrous qualities that were latent within her until now.” + </p> + <p> + “You don't say so!” says gobemouche Fitz-Urse. + </p> + <p> + Having thus indoctrinated Mr. Fitz-Urse, Sir George takes another of his + guests, and proceeds to work upon him. “My dear Mr. Bludyer, how do you + do? Mr. Fitz-Boodle, Mr. Bludyer, the brilliant and accomplished wit, + whose sallies in the Tomahawk delight us every Saturday. Nay, no blushes, + my dear sir; you are very wicked, but oh! SO pleasant. Well, Mr. Bludyer, + I am glad to see you, sir, and hope you will have a favourable opinion of + our genius, sir. As I was saying to Mr. Fitz-Boodle, she has the graces of + a Venus with the mind of a Muse. She is a siren, without the dangerous + qualities of one,” etc. This little speech was made to half-a-dozen + persons in the course of the evening—persons, for the most part, + connected with the public journals or the theatrical world. There was Mr. + Squinny, the editor of the Flowers of Fashion; Mr. Desmond Mulligan, the + poet, and reporter for a morning paper; and other worthies of their + calling. For though Sir George is a respectable man, and as high-minded + and moral an old gentleman as ever wore knee-buckles, he does not neglect + the little arts of popularity, and can condescend to receive very queer + company if need be. + </p> + <p> + For instance, at the dinner-party at which I had the honour of assisting, + and at which, on the right hand of Lady Thrum, sat the oblige nobleman, + whom the Thrums were a great deal too wise to omit (the sight of a lord + does good to us commoners, or why else should we be so anxious to have + one?). In the second place of honour, and on her ladyship's left hand, sat + Mr. Slang, the manager of one of the theatres; a gentleman whom my Lady + Thrum would scarcely, but for a great necessity's sake, have been induced + to invite to her table. He had the honour of leading Mrs. Walker to + dinner, who looked splendid in black velvet and turban, full of health and + smiles. + </p> + <p> + Lord Roundtowers is an old gentleman who has been at the theatres five + times a week for these fifty years, a living dictionary of the stage, + recollecting every actor and actress who has appeared upon it for half a + century. He perfectly well remembered Miss Delancy in Morgiana; he knew + what had become of Ali Baba, and how Cassim had left the stage, and was + now the keeper of a public-house. All this store of knowledge he kept + quietly to himself, or only delivered in confidence to his next neighbour + in the intervals of the banquet, which he enjoys prodigiously. He lives at + an hotel: if not invited to dine, eats a mutton-chop very humbly at his + club, and finishes his evening after the play at Crockford's, whither he + goes not for the sake of the play, but of the supper there. He is + described in the Court Guide as of “Simmer's Hotel,” and of Roundtowers, + county Cork. It is said that the round towers really exist. But he has not + been in Ireland since the rebellion; and his property is so hampered with + ancestral mortgages, and rent-charges, and annuities, that his income is + barely sufficient to provide the modest mutton-chop before alluded to. He + has, any time these fifty years, lived in the wickedest company in London, + and is, withal, as harmless, mild, good-natured, innocent an old gentleman + as can readily be seen. + </p> + <p> + “Roundy,” shouts the elegant Mr. Slang, across the table, with a voice + which makes Lady Thrum shudder, “Tuff, a glass of wine.” + </p> + <p> + My Lord replies meekly, “Mr. Slang, I shall have very much pleasure. What + shall it be?” + </p> + <p> + “There is Madeira near you, my Lord,” says my Lady, pointing to a tall + thin decanter of the fashion of the year. + </p> + <p> + “Madeira! Marsala, by Jove, your Ladyship means!” shouts Mr. Slang. “No, + no, old birds are not caught with chaff. Thrum, old boy, let's have some + of your Comet hock.” + </p> + <p> + “My Lady Thrum, I believe that IS Marsala,” says the knight, blushing a + little, in reply to a question from his Sophia. “Ajax, the hock to Mr. + Slang.” + </p> + <p> + “I'm in that,” yells Bludyer from the end of the table. “My Lord, I'll + join you.” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. ——, I beg your pardon—I shall be very happy to take + wine with you, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “It is Mr. Bludyer, the celebrated newspaper writer,” whispers Lady Thrum. + </p> + <p> + “Bludyer, Bludyer? A very clever man, I dare say. He has a very loud + voice, and reminds me of Brett. Does your Ladyship remember Brett, who + played the 'Fathers' at the Haymarket in 1802?” + </p> + <p> + “What an old stupid Roundtowers is!” says Slang, archly, nudging Mrs. + Walker in the side. “How's Walker, eh?” + </p> + <p> + “My husband is in the country,” replied Mrs. Walker, hesitatingly. + </p> + <p> + “Gammon! <i>I</i> know where he is! Law bless you!—don't blush. I've + been there myself a dozen times. We were talking about quod, Lady Thrum. + Were you ever in college?” + </p> + <p> + “I was at the Commemoration at Oxford in 1814, when the sovereigns were + there, and at Cambridge when Sir George received his degree of Doctor of + Music.” + </p> + <p> + “Laud, Laud, THAT'S not the college WE mean.” + </p> + <p> + “There is also the college in Gower Street, where my grandson—” + </p> + <p> + “This is the college in QUEER STREET, ma'am, haw, haw! Mulligan, you + divvle (in an Irish accent), a glass of wine with you. Wine, here, you + waiter! What's your name, you black nigger? 'Possum up a gum-tree, eh? + Fill him up. Dere he go” (imitating the Mandingo manner of speaking + English) + </p> + <p> + In this agreeable way would Mr. Slang rattle on, speedily making himself + the centre of the conversation, and addressing graceful familiarities to + all the gentlemen and ladies round him. + </p> + <p> + It was good to see how the little knight, the most moral and calm of men, + was compelled to receive Mr. Slang's stories and the frightened air with + which, at the conclusion of one of them, he would venture upon a + commendatory grin. His lady, on her part too, had been laboriously civil; + and, on the occasion on which I had the honour of meeting this gentleman + and Mrs. Walker, it was the latter who gave the signal for withdrawing to + the lady of the house, by saying, “I think, Lady Thrum, it is quite time + for us to retire.” Some exquisite joke of Mr. Slang's was the cause of + this abrupt disappearance. But, as they went upstairs to the drawing-room, + Lady Thrum took occasion to say, “My dear, in the course of your + profession you will have to submit to many such familiarities on the part + of persons of low breeding, such as I fear Mr. Slang is. But let me + caution you against giving way to your temper as you did. Did you not + perceive that <i>I</i> never allowed him to see my inward dissatisfaction? + And I make it a particular point that you should be very civil to him + to-night. Your interests—our interests depend upon it.” + </p> + <p> + “And are my interests to make me civil to a wretch like that?” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Walker, would you wish to give lessons in morality and behaviour to + Lady Thrum?” said the old lady, drawing herself up with great dignity. It + was evident that she had a very strong desire indeed to conciliate Mr. + Slang; and hence I have no doubt that Sir George was to have a + considerable share of Morgiana's earnings. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Bludyer, the famous editor of the Tomahawk, whose jokes Sir George + pretended to admire so much (Sir George who never made a joke in his + life), was a press bravo of considerable talent and no principle, and who, + to use his own words, would “back himself for a slashing article against + any man in England!” He would not only write, but fight on a pinch; was a + good scholar, and as savage in his manner as with his pen. Mr. Squinny is + of exactly the opposite school, as delicate as milk-and-water, harmless in + his habits, fond of the flute when the state of his chest will allow him, + a great practiser of waltzing and dancing in general, and in his journal + mildly malicious. He never goes beyond the bounds of politeness, but + manages to insinuate a great deal that is disagreeable to an author in the + course of twenty lines of criticism. Personally he is quite respectable, + and lives with two maiden aunts at Brompton. Nobody, on the contrary, + knows where Mr. Bludyer lives. He has houses of call, mysterious taverns, + where he may be found at particular hours by those who need him, and where + panting publishers are in the habit of hunting him up. For a bottle of + wine and a guinea he will write a page of praise or abuse of any man + living, or on any subject, or on any line of politics. “Hang it, sir!” + says he, “pay me enough and I will write down my own father!” According to + the state of his credit, he is dressed either almost in rags or else in + the extremest flush of the fashion. With the latter attire he puts on a + haughty and aristocratic air, and would slap a duke on the shoulder. If + there is one thing more dangerous than to refuse to lend him a sum of + money when he asks for it, it is to lend it to him; for he never pays, and + never pardons a man to whom he owes. “Walker refused to cash a bill for + me,” he had been heard to say, “and I'll do for his wife when she comes + out on the stage!” Mrs. Walker and Sir George Thrum were in an agony about + the Tomahawk; hence the latter's invitation to Mr. Bludyer. Sir George was + in a great tremor about the Flowers of Fashion, hence his invitation to + Mr. Squinny. Mr. Squinny was introduced to Lord Roundtowers and Mr. + Fitz-Urse as one of the most delightful and talented of our young men of + genius; and Fitz, who believes everything anyone tells him, was quite + pleased to have the honour of sitting near the live editor of a paper. I + have reason to think that Mr. Squinny himself was no less delighted: I saw + him giving his card to Fitz-Urse at the end of the second course. + </p> + <p> + No particular attention was paid to Mr. Desmond Mulligan. Political + enthusiasm is his forte. He lives and writes in a rapture. He is, of + course, a member of an inn of court, and greatly addicted to after-dinner + speaking as a preparation for the bar, where as a young man of genius he + hopes one day to shine. He is almost the only man to whom Bludyer is + civil; for, if the latter will fight doggedly when there is a necessity + for so doing, the former fights like an Irishman, and has a pleasure in + it. He has been “on the ground” I don't know how many times, and quitted + his country on account of a quarrel with Government regarding certain + articles published by him in the Phoenix newspaper. With the third bottle, + he becomes overpoweringly great on the wrongs of Ireland, and at that + period generally volunteers a couple or more of Irish melodies, selecting + the most melancholy in the collection. At five in the afternoon, you are + sure to see him about the House of Commons, and he knows the “Reform Club” + (he calls it the Refawrum) as well as if he were a member. It is curious + for the contemplative mind to mark those mysterious hangers-on of Irish + members of Parliament—strange runners and aides-de-camp which all + the honourable gentlemen appear to possess. Desmond, in his political + capacity, is one of these, and besides his calling as reporter to a + newspaper, is “our well-informed correspondent” of that famous Munster + paper, the Green Flag of Skibbereen. + </p> + <p> + With Mr. Mulligan's qualities and history I only became subsequently + acquainted. On the present evening he made but a brief stay at the + dinner-table, being compelled by his professional duties to attend the + House of Commons. + </p> + <p> + The above formed the party with whom I had the honour to dine. What other + repasts Sir George Thrum may have given, what assemblies of men of mere + science he may have invited to give their opinion regarding his prodigy, + what other editors of papers he may have pacified or rendered favourable, + who knows? On the present occasion, we did not quit the dinner-table until + Mr. Slang the manager was considerably excited by wine, and music had been + heard for some time in the drawing-room overhead during our absence. An + addition had been made to the Thrum party by the arrival of several + persons to spend the evening,—a man to play on the violin between + the singing, a youth to play on the piano, Miss Horsman to sing with Mrs. + Walker, and other scientific characters. In a corner sat a red-faced old + lady, of whom the mistress of the mansion took little notice; and a + gentleman with a royal button, who blushed and looked exceedingly modest. + </p> + <p> + “Hang me!” says Mr. Bludyer, who had perfectly good reasons for + recognising Mr Woolsey, and who on this day chose to assume his + aristocratic air; “there's a tailor in the room! What do they mean by + asking ME to meet tradesmen?” + </p> + <p> + “Delancy, my dear,” cries Slang, entering the room with a reel, “how's + your precious health? Give us your hand! When ARE we to be married? Make + room for me on the sofa, that's a duck!” + </p> + <p> + “Get along, Slang,” says Mrs. Crump, addressed by the manager by her + maiden name (artists generally drop the title of honour which people adopt + in the world, and call each other by their simple surnames)—“get + along, Slang, or I'll tell Mrs. S.!” The enterprising manager replies by + sportively striking Mrs. Crump on the side a blow which causes a great + giggle from the lady insulted, and a most good-humoured threat to box + Slang's ears. I fear very much that Morgiana's mother thought Mr. Slang an + exceedingly gentlemanlike and agreeable person; besides, she was eager to + have his good opinion of Mrs. Walker's singing. + </p> + <p> + The manager stretched himself out with much gracefulness on the sofa, + supporting two little dumpy legs encased in varnished boots on a chair. + </p> + <p> + “Ajax, some tea to Mr. Slang,” said my Lady, looking towards that + gentleman with a countenance expressive of some alarm, I thought. + </p> + <p> + “That's right, Ajax, my black prince!” exclaimed Slang when the negro + brought the required refreshment; “and now I suppose you'll be wanted in + the orchestra yonder. Don't Ajax play the cymbals, Sir George?” + </p> + <p> + “Ha, ha, ha! very good—capital!” answered the knight, exceedingly + frightened; “but ours is not a MILITARY band. Miss Horsman, Mr. Craw, my + dear Mrs. Ravenswing, shall we begin the trio? Silence, gentlemen, if you + please; it is a little piece from my opera of the 'Brigand's Bride.' Miss + Horsman takes the Page's part, Mr. Craw is Stiletto the Brigand, my + accomplished pupil is the Bride;” and the music began. + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “THE BRIDE. + + “My heart with joy is beating, + My eyes with tears are dim; + + “THE PAGE. + + “Her heart with joy is beating + Her eyes are fixed on him; + + “THE BRIGAND. + + “My heart with rage is beating, + In blood my eye-balls swim!” + </pre> + <p> + What may have been the merits of the music or the singing, I, of course, + cannot guess. Lady Thrum sat opposite the tea-cups, nodding her head and + beating time very gravely. Lord Roundtowers, by her side, nodded his head + too, for awhile, and then fell asleep. I should have done the same but for + the manager, whose actions were worth of remark. He sang with all the + three singers, and a great deal louder than any of them; he shouted bravo! + or hissed as he thought proper; he criticised all the points of Mrs. + Walker's person. “She'll do, Crump, she'll do—a splendid arm—you'll + see her eyes in the shilling gallery! What sort of a foot has she? She's + five feet three, if she's an inch! Bravo—slap up—capital—hurrah!” + And he concluded by saying, with the aid of the Ravenswing, he would put + Ligonier's nose out of Joint! + </p> + <p> + The enthusiasm of Mr. Slang almost reconciled Lady Thrum to the abruptness + of his manners, and even caused Sir George to forget that his chorus had + been interrupted by the obstreperous familiarity of the manager. + </p> + <p> + “And what do YOU think, Mr. Bludyer,” said the tailor, delighted that his + protegee should be thus winning all hearts: “isn't Mrs. Walker a tip-top + singer, eh, sir?” + </p> + <p> + “I think she's a very bad one, Mr. Woolsey,” said the illustrious author, + wishing to abbreviate all communications with a tailor to whom he owed + forty pounds. + </p> + <p> + “Then, sir,” says Mr. Woolsey, fiercely, “I'll—I'll thank you to pay + me my little bill!” + </p> + <p> + It is true there was no connection between Mrs. Walker's singing and + Woolsey's little bill; that the “THEN, sir,” was perfectly illogical on + Woolsey's part; but it was a very happy hit for the future fortunes of + Mrs. Walker. Who knows what would have come of her debut but for that + “Then, sir,” and whether a “smashing article” from the Tomahawk might not + have ruined her for ever? + </p> + <p> + “Are you a relation of Mrs. Walker's?” said Mr. Bludyer, in reply to the + angry tailor. + </p> + <p> + “What's that to you, whether I am or not?” replied Woolsey, fiercely. “But + I'm the friend of Mrs. Walker, sir; proud am I to say so, sir; and, as the + poet says, sir, 'a little learning's a dangerous thing,' sir; and I think + a man who don't pay his bills may keep his tongue quiet at least, sir, and + not abuse a lady, sir, whom everybody else praises, sir. You shan't humbug + ME any more, sir; you shall hear from my attorney to-morrow, so mark + that!” + </p> + <p> + “Hush, my dear Mr. Woolsey,” cried the literary man, “don't make a noise; + come into this window: is Mrs. Walker REALLY a friend of yours?” + </p> + <p> + “I've told you so, sir.” + </p> + <p> + “Well, in that case, I shall do my utmost to serve her and, look you, + Woolsey, any article you choose to send about her to the Tomahawk I + promise you I'll put in.” + </p> + <p> + “WILL you, though? then we'll say nothing about the little bill.” + </p> + <p> + “You may do on that point,” answered Bludyer, haughtily, “exactly as you + please. I am not to be frightened from my duty, mind that; and mind, too, + that I can write a slashing article better than any man in England: I + could crush her by ten lines.” + </p> + <p> + The tables were now turned, and it was Woolsey's turn to be alarmed. + </p> + <p> + “Pooh! pooh! I WAS angry,” said he, “because you abuse Mrs. Walker, who's + an angel on earth; but I'm very willing to apologise. I say—come—let + me take your measure for some new clothes, eh! Mr. B.?” + </p> + <p> + “I'll come to your shop,” answered the literary man, quite appeased. + “Silence! they're beginning another song.” + </p> + <p> + The songs, which I don't attempt to describe (and, upon my word and + honour, as far as I can understand matters, I believe to this day that + Mrs. Walker was only an ordinary singer)—the songs lasted a great + deal longer than I liked; but I was nailed, as it were, to the spot, + having agreed to sup at Knightsbridge barracks with Fitz-Urse, whose + carriage was ordered at eleven o'clock. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Mr. Fitz-Boodle,” said our old host to me, “you can do me the + greatest service in the world.” + </p> + <p> + “Speak, sir!” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Will you ask your honourable and gallant friend, the Captain, to drive + home Mr. Squinny to Brompton?” + </p> + <p> + “Can't Mr. Squinny get a cab?” + </p> + <p> + Sir George looked particularly arch. “Generalship, my dear young friend—a + little harmless generalship. Mr. Squinny will not give much for MY opinion + of my pupil, but he will value very highly the opinion of the Honourable + Mr. FitzUrse.” + </p> + <p> + For a moral man, was not the little knight a clever fellow? He had bought + Mr. Squinny for a dinner worth ten shillings, and for a ride in a carriage + with a lord's son. Squinny was carried to Brompton, and set down at his + aunts' door, delighted with his new friends, and exceedingly sick with a + cigar they had made him smoke. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0008" id="link2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. IN WHICH MR. WALKER SHOWS GREAT PRUDENCE AND FORBEARANCE. + </h2> + <p> + The describing of all these persons does not advance Morgiana's story + much. But, perhaps, some country readers are not acquainted with the class + of persons by whose printed opinions they are guided, and are simple + enough to imagine that mere merit will make a reputation on the stage or + elsewhere. The making of a theatrical success is a much more complicated + and curious thing than such persons fancy it to be. Immense are the pains + taken to get a good word from Mr. This of the Star, or Mr. That of the + Courier, to propitiate the favour of the critic of the day, and get the + editors of the metropolis into a good humour,—above all, to have the + name of the person to be puffed perpetually before the public. Artists + cannot be advertised like Macassar oil or blacking, and they want it to + the full as much; hence endless ingenuity must be practised in order to + keep the popular attention awake. Suppose a great actor moves from London + to Windsor, the Brentford Champion must state that “Yesterday Mr. Blazes + and suite passed rapidly through our city; the celebrated comedian is + engaged, we hear, at Windsor, to give some of his inimitable readings of + our great national bard to the MOST ILLUSTRIOUS AUDIENCE in the realm.” + This piece of intelligence the Hammersmith Observer will question the next + week, as thus:—“A contemporary, the Brentford Champion, says that + Blazes is engaged to give Shakspearian readings at Windsor to “the most + illustrious audience in the realm.” We question this fact very much. We + would, indeed, that it were true; but the MOST ILLUSTRIOUS AUDIENCE in the + realm prefer FOREIGN melodies to THE NATIVE WOOD-NOTES WILD of the sweet + song-bird of Avon. Mr. Blazes is simply gone to Eton, where his son, + Master Massinger Blazes, is suffering, we regret to hear, under a severe + attack of the chicken-pox. This complaint (incident to youth) has raged, + we understand, with frightful virulence in Eton School.” + </p> + <p> + And if, after the above paragraphs, some London paper chooses to attack + the folly of the provincial press, which talks of Mr. Blazes, and + chronicles his movements, as if he were a crowned head, what harm is done? + Blazes can write in his own name to the London journal, and say that it is + not HIS fault if provincial journals choose to chronicle his movements, + and that he was far from wishing that the afflictions of those who are + dear to him should form the subject of public comment, and be held up to + public ridicule. “We had no intention of hurting the feelings of an + estimable public servant,” writes the editor; “and our remarks on the + chicken-pox were general, not personal. We sincerely trust that Master + Massinger Blazes has recovered from that complaint, and that he may pass + through the measles, the whooping-cough, the fourth form, and all other + diseases to which youth is subject, with comfort to himself, and credit to + his parents and teachers.” At his next appearance on the stage after this + controversy, a British public calls for Blazes three times after the play; + and somehow there is sure to be someone with a laurel-wreath in a + stage-box, who flings that chaplet at the inspired artist's feet. + </p> + <p> + I don't know how it was, but before the debut of Morgiana, the English + press began to heave and throb in a convulsive manner, as if indicative of + the near birth of some great thing. For instance, you read in one paper,— + </p> + <p> + “Anecdote of Karl Maria Von Weber.—When the author of 'Oberon' was + in England, he was invited by a noble duke to dinner, and some of the most + celebrated of our artists were assembled to meet him. The signal being + given to descend to the salle-a-manger, the German composer was invited by + his noble host (a bachelor) to lead the way. 'Is it not the fashion in + your country,' said he, simply, 'for the man of the first eminence to take + the first place? Here is one whose genius entitles him to be first + ANYWHERE.' And, so saying, he pointed to our admirable English composer, + Sir George Thrum. The two musicians were friends to the last, and Sir + George has still the identical piece of rosin which the author of the + 'Freischutz' gave him.”—The Moon (morning paper), June 2. + </p> + <p> + “George III. a composer.—Sir George Thrum has in his possession the + score of an air, the words from 'Samson Agonistes,' an autograph of the + late revered monarch. We hear that that excellent composer has in store + for us not only an opera, but a pupil, with whose transcendent merits the + elite of our aristocracy are already familiar.”—Ibid., June 5. + </p> + <p> + “Music with a Vengeance.—The march to the sound of which the 49th + and 75th regiments rushed up the breach of Badajoz was the celebrated air + from 'Britons Alarmed; or, The Siege of Bergen-op-Zoom,' by our famous + English composer, Sir George Thrum. Marshal Davoust said that the French + line never stood when that air was performed to the charge of the bayonet. + We hear the veteran musician has an opera now about to appear, and have no + doubt that Old England will now, as then, show its superiority over ALL + foreign opponents.”—Albion. + </p> + <p> + “We have been accused of preferring the produit of the etranger to the + talent of our own native shores; but those who speak so, little know us. + We are fanatici per la musica wherever it be, and welcome merit dans + chaque pays du monde. What do we say? Le merite n'a point de pays, as + Napoleon said; and Sir George Thrum (Chevalier de l'Ordre de l'Elephant et + Chateau de Kalbsbraten-Pumpernickel,) is a maestro whose fame appartient a + l'Europe. + </p> + <p> + “We have just heard the lovely eleve, whose rare qualities the Cavaliere + has brought to perfection,—we have heard THE RAVENSWING (pourquoi + cacher un nom que demain un monde va saluer?), and a creature more + beautiful and gifted never bloomed before dans nos climats. She sang the + delicious duet of the 'Nabucodonosore,' with Count Pizzicato, with a + bellezza, a grandezza, a raggio, that excited in the bosom of the audience + a corresponding furore: her scherzando was exquisite, though we confess we + thought the concluding fioritura in the passage in Y flat a leetle, a very + leetle sforzata. Surely the words, + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + 'Giorno d'orrore, + Delire, dolore, + Nabucodonosore,' +</pre> + <p> + should be given andante, and not con strepito: but this is a faute bien + legere in the midst of such unrivalled excellence, and only mentioned here + that we may have SOMETHING to criticise. + </p> + <p> + “We hear that the enterprising impresario of one of the royal theatres has + made an engagement with the Diva; and, if we have a regret, it is that she + should be compelled to sing in the unfortunate language of our rude + northern clime, which does not preter itself near so well to the bocca of + the cantatrice as do the mellifluous accents of the Lingua Toscana, the + langue par excellence of song. + </p> + <p> + “The Ravenswing's voice is a magnificent contra-basso of nine octaves,” + etc.—Flowers of Fashion, June 10. + </p> + <p> + “Old Thrum, the composer, is bringing out an opera and a pupil. The opera + is good, the pupil first-rate. The opera will do much more than compete + with the infernal twaddle and disgusting slip-slop of Donizetti, and the + milk-and-water fools who imitate him: it will (and we ask the readers of + the Tomahawk, were we EVER mistaken?) surpass all these; it is GOOD, of + downright English stuff. The airs are fresh and pleasing, the choruses + large and noble, the instrumentation solid and rich, the music is + carefully written. We wish old Thrum and his opera well. + </p> + <p> + “His pupil is a SURE CARD, a splendid woman, and a splendid singer. She is + so handsome that she might sing as much out of tune as Miss Ligonier, and + the public would forgive her; and sings so well, that were she as ugly as + the aforesaid Ligonier, the audience would listen to her. The Ravenswing, + that is her fantastical theatrical name (her real name is the same with + that of a notorious scoundrel in the Fleet, who invented the Panama + swindle, the Pontine Marshes' swindle, the Soap swindle—HOW ARE YOU + OFF FOR SOAP NOW, Mr. W-lk-r?)—the Ravenswing, we say, will do. + Slang has engaged her at thirty guineas per week, and she appears next + month in Thrum's opera, of which the words are written by a great ass with + some talent—we mean Mr. Mulligan. + </p> + <p> + “There is a foreign fool in the Flowers of Fashion who is doing his best + to disgust the public by his filthy flattery. It is enough to make one + sick. Why is the foreign beast not kicked out of the paper?”—The + Tomahawk, June 17. + </p> + <p> + The first three “anecdotes” were supplied by Mulligan to his paper, with + many others which need not here be repeated: he kept them up with amazing + energy and variety. Anecdotes of Sir George Thrum met you unexpectedly in + queer corners of country papers: puffs of the English school of music + appeared perpetually in “Notices to Correspondents” in the Sunday prints, + some of which Mr. Slang commanded, and in others over which the + indefatigable Mulligan had a control. This youth was the soul of the + little conspiracy for raising Morgiana into fame: and humble as he is, and + great and respectable as is Sir George Thrum, it is my belief that the + Ravenswing would never have been the Ravenswing she is but for the + ingenuity and energy of the honest Hibernian reporter. + </p> + <p> + It is only the business of the great man who writes the leading articles + which appear in the large type of the daily papers to compose those + astonishing pieces of eloquence; the other parts of the paper are left to + the ingenuity of the sub-editor, whose duty it is to select paragraphs, + reject or receive horrid accidents, police reports, etc.; with which, + occupied as he is in the exercise of his tremendous functions, the editor + himself cannot be expected to meddle. The fate of Europe is his province; + the rise and fall of empires, and the great questions of State demand the + editor's attention: the humble puff, the paragraph about the last murder, + or the state of the crops, or the sewers in Chancery Lane, is confided to + the care of the sub; and it is curious to see what a prodigious number of + Irishmen exist among the sub-editors of London. When the Liberator + enumerates the services of his countrymen, how the battle of Fontenoy was + won by the Irish Brigade, how the battle of Waterloo would have been lost + but for the Irish regiments, and enumerates other acts for which we are + indebted to Milesian heroism and genius—he ought at least to mention + the Irish brigade of the press, and the amazing services they do to this + country. + </p> + <p> + The truth is, the Irish reporters and soldiers appear to do their duty + right well; and my friend Mr. Mulligan is one of the former. Having the + interests of his opera and the Ravenswing strongly at heart, and being + amongst his brethren an exceedingly popular fellow, he managed matters so + that never a day passed but some paragraph appeared somewhere regarding + the new singer, in whom, for their countryman's sake, all his brothers and + sub-editors felt an interest. + </p> + <p> + These puffs, destined to make known to all the world the merits of the + Ravenswing, of course had an effect upon a gentleman very closely + connected with that lady, the respectable prisoner in the Fleet, Captain + Walker. As long as he received his weekly two guineas from Mr. Woolsey, + and the occasional half-crowns which his wife could spare in her almost + daily visits to him, he had never troubled himself to inquire what her + pursuits were, and had allowed her (though the worthy woman longed with + all her might to betray herself) to keep her secret. He was far from + thinking, indeed, that his wife would prove such a treasure to him. + </p> + <p> + But when the voice of fame and the columns of the public journals brought + him each day some new story regarding the merits, genius, and beauty of + the Ravenswing; when rumours reached him that she was the favourite pupil + of Sir George Thrum; when she brought him five guineas after singing at + the “Philharmonic” (other five the good soul had spent in purchasing some + smart new cockades, hats, cloaks, and laces, for her little son); when, + finally, it was said that Slang, the great manager, offered her an + engagement at thirty guineas per week, Mr. Walker became exceedingly + interested in his wife's proceedings, of which he demanded from her the + fullest explanation. + </p> + <p> + Using his marital authority, he absolutely forbade Mrs. Walker's + appearance on the public stage; he wrote to Sir George Thrum a letter + expressive of his highest indignation that negotiations so important + should ever have been commenced without his authorisation; and he wrote to + his dear Slang (for these gentlemen were very intimate, and in the course + of his transactions as an agent Mr. W. had had many dealings with Mr. S.) + asking his dear Slang whether the latter thought his friend Walker would + be so green as to allow his wife to appear on the stage, and he remain in + prison with all his debts on his head? + </p> + <p> + And it was a curious thing now to behold how eager those very creditors + who but yesterday (and with perfect correctness) had denounced Mr. Walker + as a swindler; who had refused to come to any composition with him, and + had sworn never to release him; how they on a sudden became quite eager to + come to an arrangement with him, and offered, nay, begged and prayed him + to go free,—only giving them his own and Mrs. Walker's + acknowledgment of their debt, with a promise that a part of the lady's + salary should be devoted to the payment of the claim. + </p> + <p> + “The lady's salary!” said Mr. Walker, indignantly, to these gentlemen and + their attorneys. “Do you suppose I will allow Mrs. Walker to go on the + stage?—do you suppose I am such a fool as to sign bills to the full + amount of these claims against me, when in a few months more I can walk + out of prison without paying a shilling? Gentlemen, you take Howard Walker + for an idiot. I like the Fleet, and rather than pay I'll stay here for + these ten years.” + </p> + <p> + In other words, it was the Captain's determination to make some + advantageous bargain for himself with his creditors and the gentlemen who + were interested in bringing forward Mrs. Walker on the stage. And who can + say that in so determining he did not act with laudable prudence and + justice? + </p> + <p> + “You do not, surely, consider, my very dear sir, that half the amount of + Mrs. Walker's salaries is too much for my immense trouble and pains in + teaching her?” cried Sir George Thrum (who, in reply to Walker's note, + thought it most prudent to wait personally on that gentleman). “Remember + that I am the first master in England; that I have the best interest in + England; that I can bring her out at the Palace, and at every concert and + musical festival in England; that I am obliged to teach her every single + note that she utters; and that without me she could no more sing a song + than her little baby could walk without its nurse.” + </p> + <p> + “I believe about half what you say,” said Mr. Walker. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Captain Walker! would you question my integrity? Who was it that + made Mrs. Millington's fortune,—the celebrated Mrs. Millington, who + has now got a hundred thousand pounds? Who was it that brought out the + finest tenor in Europe, Poppleton? Ask the musical world, ask those great + artists themselves, and they will tell you they owe their reputation, + their fortune, to Sir George Thrum.” + </p> + <p> + “It is very likely,” replied the Captain, coolly. “You ARE a good master, + I dare say, Sir George; but I am not going to article Mrs. Walker to you + for three years, and sign her articles in the Fleet. Mrs. Walker shan't + sing till I'm a free man, that's flat: if I stay here till you're dead she + shan't.” + </p> + <p> + “Gracious powers, sir!” exclaimed Sir George, “do you expect me to pay + your debts?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, old boy,” answered the Captain, “and to give me something handsome + in hand, too; and that's my ultimatum: and so I wish you good morning, for + I'm engaged to play a match at tennis below.” + </p> + <p> + This little interview exceedingly frightened the worthy knight, who went + home to his lady in a delirious state of alarm occasioned by the audacity + of Captain Walker. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Slang's interview with him was scarcely more satisfactory. He owed, he + said, four thousand pounds. His creditors might be brought to compound for + five shillings in the pound. He would not consent to allow his wife to + make a single engagement until the creditors were satisfied, and until he + had a handsome sum in hand to begin the world with. “Unless my wife comes + out, you'll be in the Gazette yourself, you know you will. So you may take + her or leave her, as you think fit.” + </p> + <p> + “Let her sing one night as a trial,” said Mr. Slang. + </p> + <p> + “If she sings one night, the creditors will want their money in full,” + replied the Captain. “I shan't let her labour, poor thing, for the profit + of those scoundrels!” added the prisoner, with much feeling. And Slang + left him with a much greater respect for Walker than he had ever before + possessed. He was struck with the gallantry of the man who could triumph + over misfortunes, nay, make misfortune itself an engine of good luck. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Walker was instructed instantly to have a severe sore throat. The + journals in Mr. Slang's interest deplored this illness pathetically; while + the papers in the interest of the opposition theatre magnified it with + great malice. “The new singer,” said one, “the great wonder which Slang + promised us, is as hoarse as a RAVEN!” “Doctor Thorax pronounces,” wrote + another paper, “that the quinsy, which has suddenly prostrated Mrs. + Ravenswing, whose singing at the Philharmonic, previous to her appearance + at the 'T.R——,' excited so much applause, has destroyed the + lady's voice for ever. We luckily need no other prima donna, when that + place, as nightly thousands acknowledge, is held by Miss Ligonier.” The + Looker-on said, “That although some well-informed contemporaries had + declared Mrs. W. Ravenswing's complaint to be a quinsy, others, on whose + authority they could equally rely, had pronounced it to be a consumption. + At all events, she was in an exceedingly dangerous state; from which, + though we do not expect, we heartily trust she may recover. Opinions + differ as to the merits of this lady, some saying that she was altogether + inferior to Miss Ligonier, while other connoisseurs declare the latter + lady to be by no means so accomplished a person. This point, we fear,” + continued the Looker-on, “can never now be settled; unless, which we fear + is improbable, Mrs. Ravenswing should ever so far recover as to be able to + make her debut; and even then, the new singer will not have a fair chance + unless her voice and strength shall be fully restored. This information, + which we have from exclusive resources, may be relied on,” concluded the + Looker-on, “as authentic.” + </p> + <p> + It was Mr. Walker himself, that artful and audacious Fleet prisoner, who + concocted those very paragraphs against his wife's health which appeared + in the journals of the Ligonier party. The partisans of that lady were + delighted, the creditors of Mr. Walker astounded, at reading them. Even + Sir George Thrum was taken in, and came to the Fleet prison in + considerable alarm. + </p> + <p> + “Mum's the word, my good sir!” said Mr. Walker. “Now is the time to make + arrangements with the creditors.” + </p> + <p> + Well, these arrangements were finally made. It does not matter how many + shillings in the pound satisfied the rapacious creditors of Morgiana's + husband. But it is certain that her voice returned to her all of a sudden + upon the Captain's release. The papers of the Mulligan faction again + trumpeted her perfections; the agreement with Mr. Slang was concluded; + that with Sir George Thrum the great composer satisfactorily arranged; and + the new opera underlined in immense capitals in the bills, and put in + rehearsal with immense expenditure on the part of the scene-painter and + costumier. + </p> + <p> + Need we tell with what triumphant success the “Brigand's Bride” was + received? All the Irish sub-editors the next morning took care to have + such an account of it as made Miss Ligonier and Baroski die with envy. All + the reporters who could spare time were in the boxes to support their + friend's work. All the journeymen tailors of the establishment of Linsey, + Woolsey, and Co. had pit tickets given to them, and applauded with all + their might. All Mr. Walker's friends of the “Regent Club” lined the + side-boxes with white kid gloves; and in a little box by themselves sat + Mrs. Crump and Mr. Woolsey, a great deal too much agitated to applaud—so + agitated, that Woolsey even forgot to fling down the bouquet he had + brought for the Ravenswing. + </p> + <p> + But there was no lack of those horticultural ornaments. The theatre + servants wheeled away a wheelbarrow-full (which were flung on the stage + the next night over again); and Morgiana, blushing, panting, weeping, was + led off by Mr. Poppleton, the eminent tenor, who had crowned her with one + of the most conspicuous of the chaplets. + </p> + <p> + Here she flew to her husband, and flung her arms round his neck. He was + flirting behind the side-scenes with Mademoiselle Flicflac, who had been + dancing in the divertissement; and was probably the only man in the + theatre of those who witnessed the embrace that did not care for it. Even + Slang was affected, and said with perfect sincerity that he wished he had + been in Walker's place. The manager's fortune was made, at least for the + season. He acknowledged so much to Walker, who took a week's salary for + his wife in advance that very night. + </p> + <p> + There was, as usual, a grand supper in the green-room. The terrible Mr. + Bludyer appeared in a new coat of the well-known Woolsey cut, and the + little tailor himself and Mrs. Crump were not the least happy of the + party. But when the Ravenswing took Woolsey's hand, and said she never + would have been there but for him, Mr. Walker looked very grave, and + hinted to her that she must not, in her position, encourage the attentions + of persons in that rank of life. “I shall pay,” said he, proudly, “every + farthing that is owing to Mr. Woolsey, and shall employ him for the + future. But you understand, my love, that one cannot at one's own table + receive one's own tailor.” + </p> + <p> + Slang proposed Morgiana's health in a tremendous speech, which elicited + cheers, and laughter, and sobs, such as only managers have the art of + drawing from the theatrical gentlemen and ladies in their employ. It was + observed, especially among the chorus-singers at the bottom of the table, + that their emotion was intense. They had a meeting the next day and voted + a piece of plate to Adolphus Slang, Esquire, for his eminent services in + the cause of the drama. + </p> + <p> + Walker returned thanks for his lady. That was, he said, the proudest + moment of his life. He was proud to think that he had educated her for the + stage, happy to think that his sufferings had not been in vain, and that + his exertions in her behalf were crowned with full success. In her name + and his own he thanked the company, and sat down, and was once more + particularly attentive to Mademoiselle Flicflac. + </p> + <p> + Then came an oration from Sir George Thrum, in reply to Slang's toast to + HIM. It was very much to the same effect as the speech by Walker, the two + gentlemen attributing to themselves individually the merit of bringing out + Mrs. Walker. He concluded by stating that he should always hold Mrs. + Walker as the daughter of his heart, and to the last moment of his life + should love and cherish her. It is certain that Sir George was exceedingly + elated that night, and would have been scolded by his lady on his return + home, but for the triumph of the evening. + </p> + <p> + Mulligan's speech of thanks, as author of the “Brigand's Bride,” was, it + must be confessed, extremely tedious. It seemed there would be no end to + it; when he got upon the subject of Ireland especially, which somehow was + found to be intimately connected with the interests of music and the + theatre. Even the choristers pooh-poohed this speech, coming though it did + from the successful author, whose songs of wine, love, and battle, they + had been repeating that night. + </p> + <p> + The “Brigand's Bride” ran for many nights. Its choruses were tuned on the + organs of the day. Morgiana's airs, “The Rose upon my Balcony” and the + “Lightning on the Cataract” (recitative and scena) were on everybody's + lips, and brought so many guineas to Sir George Thrum that he was + encouraged to have his portrait engraved, which still may be seen in the + music-shops. Not many persons, I believe, bought proof impressions of the + plate, price two guineas; whereas, on the contrary, all the young clerks + in banks, and all the FAST young men of the universities, had pictures of + the Ravenswing in their apartments—as Biondetta (the brigand's + bride), as Zelyma (in the “Nuptials of Benares”), as Barbareska (in the + “Mine of Tobolsk”), and in all her famous characters. In the latter she + disguises herself as a Uhlan, in order to save her father, who is in + prison; and the Ravenswing looked so fascinating in this costume in + pantaloons and yellow boots, that Slang was for having her instantly in + Captain Macheath, whence arose their quarrel. + </p> + <p> + She was replaced at Slang's theatre by Snooks, the rhinoceros-tamer, with + his breed of wild buffaloes. Their success was immense. Slang gave a + supper, at which all the company burst into tears; and assembling in the + green-room next day, they, as usual, voted a piece of plate to Adolphus + Slang, Esquire, for his eminent services to the drama. + </p> + <p> + In the Captain Macheath dispute Mr. Walker would have had his wife yield; + but on this point, and for once, she disobeyed her husband and left the + theatre. And when Walker cursed her (according to his wont) for her + abominable selfishness and disregard of his property, she burst into tears + and said she had spent but twenty guineas on herself and baby during the + year, that her theatrical dressmaker's bills were yet unpaid, and that she + had never asked him how much he spent on that odious French figurante. + </p> + <p> + All this was true, except about the French figurante. Walker, as the lord + and master, received all Morgiana's earnings, and spent them as a + gentleman should. He gave very neat dinners at a cottage in Regent's Park + (Mr. and Mrs. Walker lived at Green Street, Grosvenor Square), he played a + good deal at the “Regent;” but as to the French figurante, it must be + confessed, that Mrs. Walker was in a sad error: THAT lady and the Captain + had parted long ago; it was Madame Dolores de Tras-os-Montes who inhabited + the cottage in St. John's Wood now. + </p> + <p> + But if some little errors of this kind might be attributable to the + Captain, on the other hand, when his wife was in the provinces, he was the + most attentive of husbands; made all her bargains, and received every + shilling before he would permit her to sing a note. Thus he prevented her + from being cheated, as a person of her easy temper doubtless would have + been, by designing managers and needy concert-givers. They always + travelled with four horses; and Walker was adored in every one of the + principal hotels in England. The waiters flew at his bell. The + chambermaids were afraid he was a sad naughty man, and thought his wife no + such great beauty; the landlords preferred him to any duke. HE never + looked at their bills, not he! In fact his income was at least four + thousand a year for some years of his life. + </p> + <p> + Master Woolsey Walker was put to Doctor Wapshot's seminary, whence, after + many disputes on the Doctor's part as to getting his half-year's accounts + paid, and after much complaint of ill-treatment on the little boy's side, + he was withdrawn, and placed under the care of the Reverend Mr. Swishtail, + at Turnham Green; where all his bills are paid by his godfather, now the + head of the firm of Woolsey and Co. + </p> + <p> + As a gentleman, Mr. Walker still declines to see him; but he has not, as + far as I have heard, paid the sums of money which he threatened to refund; + and, as he is seldom at home the worthy tailor can come to Green Street at + his leisure. He and Mrs. Crump, and Mrs. Walker often take the omnibus to + Brentford, and a cake with them to little Woolsey at school; to whom the + tailor says he will leave every shilling of his property. + </p> + <p> + The Walkers have no other children; but when she takes her airing in the + Park she always turns away at the sight of a low phaeton, in which sits a + woman with rouged cheeks, and a great number of overdressed children and a + French bonne, whose name, I am given to understand, is Madame Dolores de + Tras-os-Montes. Madame de Tras-os-Montes always puts a great gold glass to + her eye as the Ravenswing's carriage passes, and looks into it with a + sneer. The two coachmen used always to exchange queer winks at each other + in the ring, until Madame de Tras-os-Montes lately adopted a tremendous + chasseur, with huge whiskers and a green and gold livery; since which time + the formerly named gentlemen do not recognise each other. + </p> + <p> + The Ravenswing's life is one of perpetual triumph on the stage; and, as + every one of the fashionable men about town have been in love with her, + you may fancy what a pretty character she has. Lady Thrum would die sooner + than speak to that unhappy young woman; and, in fact, the Thrums have a + new pupil, who is a siren without the dangerous qualities of one, who has + the person of Venus, and the mind of a Muse, and who is coming out at one + of the theatres immediately. Baroski says, “De liddle Rafenschwing is just + as font of me as effer!” People are very shy about receiving her in + society; and when she goes to sing at a concert, Miss Prim starts up and + skurries off in a state of the greatest alarm, lest “that person” should + speak to her. + </p> + <p> + Walker is voted a good, easy, rattling, gentlemanly fellow, and nobody's + enemy but his own. His wife, they say, is dreadfully extravagant: and, + indeed, since his marriage, and in spite of his wife's large income, he + has been in the Bench several times; but she signs some bills and he comes + out again, and is as gay and genial as ever. All mercantile speculations + he has wisely long since given up; he likes to throw a main of an evening, + as I have said, and to take his couple of bottles at dinner. On Friday he + attends at the theatre for his wife's salary, and transacts no other + business during the week. He grows exceedingly stout, dyes his hair, and + has a bloated purple look about the nose and cheeks, very different from + that which first charmed the heart of Morgiana. + </p> + <p> + By the way, Eglantine has been turned out of the Bower of Bloom, and now + keeps a shop at Tunbridge Wells. Going down thither last year without a + razor, I asked a fat seedy man lolling in a faded nankeen jacket at the + door of a tawdry little shop in the Pantiles, to shave me. He said in + reply, “Sir, I do not practise in that branch of the profession!” and + turned back into the little shop. It was Archibald Eglantine. But in the + wreck of his fortunes he still has his captain's uniform, and his grand + cross of the order of the Castle and Falcon of Panama. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + POSTSCRIPT. + </p> + <p> + G. Fitz-Boodle, Esq., to O. Yorke, Esq. + </p> + <p> + ZUM TRIERISCHEN HOP, COBLENZ: July 10, 1843. + </p> + <p> + MY DEAR YORKE,—The story of the Ravenswing was written a long time + since, and I never could account for the bad taste of the publishers of + the metropolis who refused it an insertion in their various magazines. + This fact would never have been alluded to but for the following + circumstance:— + </p> + <p> + Only yesterday, as I was dining at this excellent hotel, I remarked a + bald-headed gentleman in a blue coat and brass buttons, who looked like a + colonel on half-pay, and by his side a lady and a little boy of twelve, + whom the gentleman was cramming with an amazing quantity of cherries and + cakes. A stout old dame in a wonderful cap and ribands was seated by the + lady's side, and it was easy to see they were English, and I thought I had + already made their acquaintance elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + The younger of the ladies at last made a bow with an accompanying blush. + </p> + <p> + “Surely,” said I, “I have the honour of speaking to Mrs. Ravenswing?” + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Woolsey, sir,” said the gentleman; “my wife has long since left the + stage:” and at this the old lady in the wonderful cap trod on my toes very + severely, and nodded her head and all her ribands in a most mysterious + way. Presently the two ladies rose and left the table, the elder declaring + that she heard the baby crying. + </p> + <p> + “Woolsey, my dear, go with your mamma,” said Mr. Woolsey, patting the boy + on the head. The young gentleman obeyed the command, carrying off a plate + of macaroons with him. + </p> + <p> + “Your son is a fine boy, sir,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “My step-son, sir,” answered Mr. Woolsey; and added, in a louder voice, “I + knew you, Mr. Fitz-Boodle, at once, but did not mention your name for fear + of agitating my wife. She don't like to have the memory of old times + renewed, sir; her former husband, whom you know, Captain Walker, made her + very unhappy. He died in America, sir, of this, I fear” (pointing to the + bottle), “and Mrs. W. quitted the stage a year before I quitted business. + Are you going on to Wiesbaden?” + </p> + <p> + They went off in their carriage that evening, the boy on the box making + great efforts to blow out of the postilion's tasselled horn. + </p> + <p> + I am glad that poor Morgiana is happy at last, and hasten to inform you of + the fact. I am going to visit the old haunts of my youth at Pumpernickel. + Adieu. + </p> + <p> + Yours, + </p> + <p> + G. F.-B. <a name="link2H_4_0011" id="link2H_4_0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + MR. AND MRS. FRANK BERRY. + </h2> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0009" id="link2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. THE FIGHT AT SLAUGHTER HOUSE. + </h2> + <p> + I am very fond of reading about battles, and have most of Marlborough's + and Wellington's at my fingers' ends; but the most tremendous combat I + ever saw, and one that interests me to think of more than Malplaquet or + Waterloo (which, by the way, has grown to be a downright nuisance, so much + do men talk of it after dinner, prating most disgustingly about “the + Prussians coming up,” and what not)—I say the most tremendous combat + ever known was that between Berry and Biggs the gown-boy, which commenced + in a certain place called Middle Briars, situated in the midst of the + cloisters that run along the side of the playground of Slaughter House + School, near Smithfield, London. It was there, madam, that your humble + servant had the honour of acquiring, after six years' labour, that immense + fund of classical knowledge which in after life has been so exceedingly + useful to him. + </p> + <p> + The circumstances of the quarrel were these:—Biggs, the gown-boy (a + man who, in those days, I thought was at least seven feet high, and was + quite thunderstruck to find in after life that he measured no more than + five feet four), was what we called “second cock” of the school; the first + cock was a great big, good-humoured, lazy, fair-haired fellow, Old Hawkins + by name, who, because he was large and good-humoured, hurt nobody. Biggs, + on the contrary, was a sad bully; he had half-a-dozen fags, and beat them + all unmercifully. Moreover, he had a little brother, a boarder in Potky's + house, whom, as a matter of course, he hated and maltreated worse than + anyone else. + </p> + <p> + Well, one day, because young Biggs had not brought his brother his hoops, + or had not caught a ball at cricket, or for some other equally good + reason, Biggs the elder so belaboured the poor little fellow, that Berry, + who was sauntering by, and saw the dreadful blows which the elder brother + was dealing to the younger with his hockey-stick, felt a compassion for + the little fellow (perhaps he had a jealousy against Biggs, and wanted to + try a few rounds with him, but that I can't vouch for); however, Berry + passing by, stopped and said, “Don't you think you have thrashed the boy + enough, Biggs?” He spoke this in a very civil tone, for he never would + have thought of interfering rudely with the sacred privilege that an upper + boy at a public school always has of beating a junior, especially when + they happen to be brothers. + </p> + <p> + The reply of Biggs, as might be expected, was to hit young Biggs with the + hockey-stick twice as hard as before, until the little wretch howled with + pain. “I suppose it's no business of yours, Berry,” said Biggs, thumping + away all the while, and laid on worse and worse. + </p> + <p> + Until Berry (and, indeed, little Biggs) could bear it no longer, and the + former, bouncing forward, wrenched the stick out of old Biggs's hands, and + sent it whirling out of the cloister window, to the great wonder of a + crowd of us small boys, who were looking on. Little boys always like to + see a little companion of their own soundly beaten. + </p> + <p> + “There!” said Berry, looking into Biggs's face, as much as to say, “I've + gone and done it;” and he added to the brother, “Scud away, you little + thief; I've saved you this time.” + </p> + <p> + “Stop, young Biggs!” roared out his brother after a pause; “or I'll break + every bone in your infernal scoundrelly skin!” + </p> + <p> + Young Biggs looked at Berry, then at his brother, then came at his + brother's order, as if back to be beaten again; but lost heart, and ran + away as fast as his little legs could carry him. + </p> + <p> + “I'll do for him another time,” said Biggs. “Here, under-boy, take my + coat;” and we all began to gather round and formed a ring. + </p> + <p> + “We had better wait till after school, Biggs,” cried Berry, quite cool, + but looking a little pale. “There are only five minutes now, and it will + take you more than that to thrash me.” + </p> + <p> + Biggs upon this committed a great error; for he struck Berry slightly + across the face with the back of his hand, saying, “You are in a funk.” + But this was a feeling which Frank Berry did not in the least entertain; + for, in reply to Biggs's back-hander, and as quick as thought, and with + all his might and main—pong! he delivered a blow upon old Biggs's + nose that made the claret spirt, and sent the second cock down to the + ground as if he had been shot. + </p> + <p> + He was up again, however, in a minute, his face white and gashed with + blood, his eyes glaring, a ghastly spectacle; and Berry, meanwhile, had + taken his coat off, and by this time there were gathered in the cloisters, + on all the windows, and upon each other's shoulders, one hundred and + twenty young gentlemen at the very least, for the news had gone out + through the playground of “a fight between Berry and Biggs.” + </p> + <p> + But Berry was quite right in his remark about the propriety of deferring + the business, for at this minute Mr. Chip, the second master, came down + the cloisters going into school, and grinned in his queer way as he saw + the state of Biggs's face. “Holloa, Mr. Biggs,” said he, “I suppose you + have run against a finger-post.” That was the regular joke with us at + school, and you may be sure we all laughed heartily: as we always did when + Mr. Chip made a joke, or anything like a joke. “You had better go to the + pump, sir, and get yourself washed, and not let Doctor Buckle see you in + that condition.” So saying, Mr. Chip disappeared to his duties in the + under-school, whither all we little boys followed him. + </p> + <p> + It was Wednesday, a half-holiday, as everybody knows, and boiled-beef day + at Slaughter House. I was in the same boarding-house with Berry, and we + all looked to see whether he ate a good dinner, just as one would examine + a man who was going to be hanged. I recollected, in after-life, in + Germany, seeing a friend who was going to fight a duel eat five larks for + his breakfast, and thought I had seldom witnessed greater courage. Berry + ate moderately of the boiled beef—BOILED CHILD we used to call it at + school, in our elegant jocular way; he knew a great deal better than to + load his stomach upon the eve of such a contest as was going to take + place. + </p> + <p> + Dinner was very soon over, and Mr. Chip, who had been all the while joking + Berry, and pressing him to eat, called him up into his study, to the great + disappointment of us all, for we thought he was going to prevent the + fight; but no such thing. The Reverend Edward Chip took Berry into his + study, and poured him out two glasses of port-wine, which he made him take + with a biscuit, and patted him on the back, and went off. I have no doubt + he was longing, like all of us, to see the battle; but etiquette, you + know, forbade. + </p> + <p> + When we went out into the green, Old Hawkins was there—the great + Hawkins, the cock of the school. I have never seen the man since, but + still think of him as of something awful, gigantic, mysterious: he who + could thrash everybody, who could beat all the masters; how we longed for + him to put in his hand and lick Buckle! He was a dull boy, not very high + in the school, and had all his exercises written for him. Buckle knew + this, but respected him; never called him up to read Greek plays; passed + over all his blunders, which were many; let him go out of half-holidays + into the town as he pleased: how should any man dare to stop him—the + great calm magnanimous silent Strength! They say he licked a + Life-Guardsman: I wonder whether it was Shaw, who killed all those + Frenchmen? No, it could not be Shaw, for he was dead au champ d'honneur; + but he WOULD have licked Shaw if he had been alive. A bargeman I know he + licked, at Jack Randall's in Slaughter House Lane. Old Hawkins was too + lazy to play at cricket; he sauntered all day in the sunshine about the + green, accompanied by little Tippins, who was in the sixth form, laughed + and joked at Hawkins eternally, and was the person who wrote all his + exercises. + </p> + <p> + Instead of going into town this afternoon, Hawkins remained at Slaughter + House, to see the great fight between the second and third cocks. + </p> + <p> + The different masters of the school kept boarding-houses (such as Potky's, + Chip's, Wickens's, Pinney's, and so on), and the playground, or “green” as + it was called, although the only thing green about the place was the + broken glass on the walls that separate Slaughter House from Wilderness + Row and Goswell Street—(many a time have I seen Mr. Pickwick look + out of his window in that street, though we did not know him then)—the + playground, or green, was common to all. But if any stray boy from Potky's + was found, for instance, in, or entering into, Chip's house, the most + dreadful tortures were practised upon him: as I can answer in my own case. + </p> + <p> + Fancy, then, our astonishment at seeing a little three-foot wretch, of the + name of Wills, one of Hawkins's fags (they were both in Potky's), walk + undismayed amongst us lions at Chip's house, as the “rich and rare” young + lady did in Ireland. We were going to set upon him and devour or otherwise + maltreat him, when he cried out in a little shrill impertinent voice, + “TELL BERRY I WANT HIM!” + </p> + <p> + We all roared with laughter. Berry was in the sixth form, and Wills or any + under-boy would as soon have thought of “wanting” him, as I should of + wanting the Duke of Wellington. + </p> + <p> + Little Wills looked round in an imperious kind of way. “Well,” says he, + stamping his foot, “do you hear? TELL BERRY THAT HAWKINS WANTS HIM!” + </p> + <p> + As for resisting the law of Hawkins, you might as soon think of resisting + immortal Jove. Berry and Tolmash, who was to be his bottle-holder, made + their appearance immediately, and walked out into the green where Hawkins + was waiting, and, with an irresistible audacity that only belonged to + himself, in the face of nature and all the regulations of the place, was + smoking a cigar. When Berry and Tolmash found him, the three began slowly + pacing up and down in the sunshine, and we little boys watched them. + </p> + <p> + Hawkins moved his arms and hands every now and then, and was evidently + laying down the law about boxing. We saw his fists darting out every now + and then with mysterious swiftness, hitting one, two, quick as thought, as + if in the face of an adversary; now his left hand went up, as if guarding + his own head, now his immense right fist dreadfully flapped the air, as if + punishing his imaginary opponent's miserable ribs. The conversation lasted + for some ten minutes, about which time gown-boys' dinner was over, and we + saw these youths, in their black horned-button jackets and knee-breeches, + issuing from their door in the cloisters. There were no hoops, no + cricket-bats, as usual on a half-holiday. Who would have thought of play + in expectation of such tremendous sport as was in store for us? + </p> + <p> + Towering among the gown-boys, of whom he was the head and the tyrant, + leaning upon Bushby's arm, and followed at a little distance by many + curious pale awe-stricken boys, dressed in his black silk stockings, which + he always sported, and with a crimson bandanna tied round his waist, came + BIGGS. His nose was swollen with the blow given before school, but his + eyes flashed fire. He was laughing and sneering with Bushby, and evidently + intended to make minced meat of Berry. + </p> + <p> + The betting began pretty freely: the bets were against poor Berry. Five to + three were offered—in ginger-beer. I took six to four in raspberry + open tarts. The upper boys carried the thing farther still: and I know for + a fact, that Swang's book amounted to four pound three (but he hedged a + good deal), and Tittery lost seventeen shillings in a single bet to Pitts, + who took the odds. + </p> + <p> + As Biggs and his party arrived, I heard Hawkins say to Berry, “For + heaven's sake, my boy, fib with your right, and MIND HIS LEFT HAND!” + </p> + <p> + Middle Briars was voted to be too confined a space for the combat, and it + was agreed that it should take place behind the under-school in the shade, + whither we all went. Hawkins, with his immense silver hunting-watch, kept + the time; and water was brought from the pump close to Notley's the + pastrycook's, who did not admire fisticuffs at all on half-holidays, for + the fights kept the boys away from his shop. Gutley was the only fellow in + the school who remained faithful to him, and he sat on the counter—the + great gormandising brute!—eating tarts the whole day. + </p> + <p> + This famous fight, as every Slaughter House man knows, lasted for two + hours and twenty-nine minutes, by Hawkins's immense watch. All this time + the air resounded with cries of “Go it, Berry!” “Go it, Biggs!” “Pitch + into him!” “Give it him!” and so on. Shall I describe the hundred and two + rounds of the combat?—No!—It would occupy too much space, and + the taste for such descriptions has passed away. <a href="#linknote-3" + name="linknoteref-3" id="linknoteref-3"><small>3</small></a> + </p> + <p> + 1st round. Both the combatants fresh, and in prime order. The weight and + inches somewhat on the gown-boy's side. Berry goes gallantly in, and + delivers a clinker on the gown-boy's jaw. Biggs makes play with his left. + Berry down. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + 4th round. Claret drawn in profusion from the gown-boy's grogshop. (He + went down, and had his front tooth knocked out, but the blow cut Berry's + knuckles a great deal.) + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + 15th round. Chancery. Fibbing. Biggs makes dreadful work with his left. + Break away. Rally. Biggs down. Betting still six to four on the gown-boy. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + 20th round. The men both dreadfully punished. Berry somewhat shy of his + adversary's left hand. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + 29th to 42nd round. The Chipsite all this while breaks away from the + gown-boy's left, and goes down on a knee. Six to four on the gown-boy, + until the fortieth round, when the bets became equal. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + 102nd and last round. For half-an-hour the men had stood up to each other, + but were almost too weary to strike. The gown-boy's face hardly to be + recognised, swollen and streaming with blood. The Chipsite in a similar + condition, and still more punished about his side from his enemy's left + hand. Berry gives a blow at his adversary's face, and falls over him as he + falls. + </p> + <p> + The gown-boy can't come up to time. And thus ended the great fight of + Berry and Biggs. + </p> + <p> + And what, pray, has this horrid description of a battle and parcel of + schoolboys to do with Men's Wives? + </p> + <p> + What has it to do with Men's Wives?—A great deal more, madam, than + you think for. Only read Chapter II., and you shall hear. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2HCH0010" id="link2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. THE COMBAT AT VERSAILLES. + </h2> + <p> + I afterwards came to be Berry's fag, and, though beaten by him daily, he + allowed, of course, no one else to lay a hand upon me, and I got no more + thrashing than was good for me. Thus an intimacy grew up between us, and + after he left Slaughter House and went into the dragoons, the honest + fellow did not forget his old friend, but actually made his appearance one + day in the playground in moustaches and a braided coat, and gave me a gold + pencil-case and a couple of sovereigns. I blushed when I took them, but + take them I did; and I think the thing I almost best recollect in my life, + is the sight of Berry getting behind an immense bay cab-horse, which was + held by a correct little groom, and was waiting near the school in + Slaughter House Square. He proposed, too, to have me to “Long's,” where he + was lodging for the time; but this invitation was refused on my behalf by + Doctor Buckle, who said, and possibly with correctness, that I should get + little good by spending my holiday with such a scapegrace. + </p> + <p> + Once afterwards he came to see me at Christ Church, and we made a show of + writing to one another, and didn't, and always had a hearty mutual + goodwill; and though we did not quite burst into tears on parting, were + yet quite happy when occasion threw us together, and so almost lost sight + of each other. I heard lately that Berry was married, and am rather + ashamed to say, that I was not so curious as even to ask the maiden name + of his lady. + </p> + <p> + Last summer I was at Paris, and had gone over to Versailles to meet a + party, one of which was a young lady to whom I was tenderly—But, + never mind. The day was rainy, and the party did not keep its appointment; + and after yawning through the interminable Palace picture-galleries, and + then making an attempt to smoke a cigar in the Palace garden—for + which crime I was nearly run through the body by a rascally sentinel—I + was driven, perforce, into the great bleak lonely place before the Palace, + with its roads branching off to all the towns in the world, which Louis + and Napoleon once intended to conquer, and there enjoyed my favourite + pursuit at leisure, and was meditating whether I should go back to + “Vefour's” for dinner, or patronise my friend M. Duboux of the “Hotel des + Reservoirs” who gives not only a good dinner, but as dear a one as heart + can desire. I was, I say, meditating these things, when a carriage passed + by. It was a smart low calash, with a pair of bay horses and a postilion + in a drab jacket that twinkled with innumerable buttons, and I was too + much occupied in admiring the build of the machine, and the extreme + tightness of the fellow's inexpressibles, to look at the personages within + the carriage, when the gentleman roared out “Fitz!” and the postilion + pulled up, and the lady gave a shrill scream, and a little black-muzzled + spaniel began barking and yelling with all his might, and a man with + moustaches jumped out of the vehicle, and began shaking me by the hand. + </p> + <p> + “Drive home, John,” said the gentleman: “I'll be with you, my love, in an + instant—it's an old friend. Fitz, let me present you to Mrs. Berry.” + </p> + <p> + The lady made an exceedingly gentle inclination of her black-velvet + bonnet, and said, “Pray, my love, remember that it is just dinner-time. + However, never mind ME.” And with another slight toss and a nod to the + postilion, that individual's white leather breeches began to jump up and + down again in the saddle, and the carriage disappeared, leaving me shaking + my old friend Berry by the hand. + </p> + <p> + He had long quitted the army, but still wore his military beard, which + gave to his fair pink face a fierce and lion-like look. He was + extraordinarily glad to see me, as only men are glad who live in a small + town, or in dull company. There is no destroyer of friendships like + London, where a man has no time to think of his neighbour, and has far too + many friends to care for them. He told me in a breath of his marriage, and + how happy he was, and straight insisted that I must come home to dinner, + and see more of Angelica, who had invited me herself—didn't I hear + her? + </p> + <p> + “Mrs. Berry asked YOU, Frank; but I certainly did not hear her ask ME!” + </p> + <p> + “She would not have mentioned the dinner but that she meant me to ask you. + I know she did,” cried Frank Berry. “And, besides—hang it—I'm + master of the house. So come you shall. No ceremony, old boy—one or + two friends—snug family party—and we'll talk of old times over + a bottle of claret.” + </p> + <p> + There did not seem to me to be the slightest objection to this + arrangement, except that my boots were muddy, and my coat of the morning + sort. But as it was quite impossible to go to Paris and back again in a + quarter of an hour, and as a man may dine with perfect comfort to himself + in a frock-coat, it did not occur to me to be particularly squeamish, or + to decline an old friend's invitation upon a pretext so trivial. + </p> + <p> + Accordingly we walked to a small house in the Avenue de Paris, and were + admitted first into a small garden ornamented by a grotto, a fountain, and + several nymphs in plaster-of-Paris, then up a mouldy old steep stair into + a hall, where a statue of Cupid and another of Venus welcomed us with + their eternal simper; then through a salle-a-manger where covers were laid + for six; and finally to a little saloon, where Fido the dog began to howl + furiously according to his wont. + </p> + <p> + It was one of the old pavilions that had been built for a pleasure-house + in the gay days of Versailles, ornamented with abundance of damp Cupids + and cracked gilt cornices, and old mirrors let into the walls, and gilded + once, but now painted a dingy French white. The long low windows looked + into the court, where the fountain played its ceaseless dribble, + surrounded by numerous rank creepers and weedy flowers, but in the midst + of which the statues stood with their bases quite moist and green. + </p> + <p> + I hate fountains and statues in dark confined places: that cheerless, + endless plashing of water is the most inhospitable sound ever heard. The + stiff grin of those French statues, or ogling Canova Graces, is by no + means more happy, I think, than the smile of a skeleton, and not so + natural. Those little pavilions in which the old roues sported were never + meant to be seen by daylight, depend on't. They were lighted up with a + hundred wax-candles, and the little fountain yonder was meant only to cool + their claret. And so, my first impression of Berry's place of abode was + rather a dismal one. However, I heard him in the salle-a-manger drawing + the corks, which went off with a CLOOP, and that consoled me. + </p> + <p> + As for the furniture of the rooms appertaining to the Berrys, there was a + harp in a leather case, and a piano, and a flute-box, and a huge tambour + with a Saracen's nose just begun, and likewise on the table a multiplicity + of those little gilt books, half sentimental and half religious, which the + wants of the age and of our young ladies have produced in such numbers of + late. I quarrel with no lady's taste in that way; but heigho! I had rather + that Mrs. Fitz-Boodle should read “Humphry Clinker!” + </p> + <p> + Besides these works, there was a “Peerage,” of course. What genteel family + was ever without one? + </p> + <p> + I was making for the door to see Frank drawing the corks, and was bounced + at by the amiable little black-muzzled spaniel, who fastened his teeth in + my pantaloons, and received a polite kick in consequence, which sent him + howling to the other end of the room, and the animal was just in the act + of performing that feat of agility, when the door opened and madame made + her appearance. Frank came behind her, peering over her shoulder with + rather an anxious look. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Berry is an exceedingly white and lean person. She has thick + eyebrows, which meet rather dangerously over her nose, which is Grecian, + and a small mouth with no lips—a sort of feeble pucker in the face + as it were. Under her eyebrows are a pair of enormous eyes, which she is + in the habit of turning constantly ceiling-wards. Her hair is rather + scarce, and worn in bandeaux, and she commonly mounts a sprig of laurel, + or a dark flower or two, which with the sham tour—I believe that is + the name of the knob of artificial hair that many ladies sport—gives + her a rigid and classical look. She is dressed in black, and has + invariably the neatest of silk stockings and shoes: for forsooth her foot + is a fine one, and she always sits with it before her, looking at it, + stamping it, and admiring it a great deal. “Fido,” she says to her + spaniel, “you have almost crushed my poor foot;” or, “Frank,” to her + husband, “bring me a footstool:” or, “I suffer so from cold in the feet,” + and so forth; but be the conversation what it will, she is always sure to + put HER FOOT into it. + </p> + <p> + She invariably wears on her neck the miniature of her late father, Sir + George Catacomb, apothecary to George III.; and she thinks those two men + the greatest the world ever saw. She was born in Baker Street, Portman + Square, and that is saying almost enough of her. She is as long, as + genteel, and as dreary, as that deadly-lively place, and sports, by way of + ornament, her papa's hatchment, as it were, as every tenth Baker Street + house has taught her. + </p> + <p> + What induced such a jolly fellow as Frank Berry to marry Miss Angelica + Catacomb no one can tell. He met her, he says, at a ball at Hampton Court, + where his regiment was quartered, and where, to this day, lives “her aunt + Lady Pash.” She alludes perpetually in conversation to that celebrated + lady; and if you look in the “Baronetage” to the pedigree of the Pash + family, you may see manuscript notes by Mrs. Frank Berry, relative to them + and herself. Thus, when you see in print that Sir John Pash married + Angelica, daughter of Graves Catacomb, Esquire, in a neat hand you find + written, AND SISTER OF THE LATE SIR GEORGE CATACOMB, OF BAKER STREET, + PORTMAN SQUARE: “A.B.” follows of course. It is a wonder how fond ladies + are of writing in books, and signing their charming initials! Mrs. Berry's + before-mentioned little gilt books are scored with pencil-marks, or + occasionally at the margin with a!—note of interjection, or the + words “TOO TRUE, A.B.” and so on. Much may be learned with regard to + lovely woman by a look at the books she reads in; and I had gained no + inconsiderable knowledge of Mrs. Berry by the ten minutes spent in the + drawing-room, while she was at her toilet in the adjoining bedchamber. + </p> + <p> + “You have often heard me talk of George Fitz,” says Berry, with an + appealing look to madame. + </p> + <p> + “Very often,” answered his lady, in a tone which clearly meant “a great + deal too much.” “Pray, sir,” continued she, looking at my boots with all + her might, “are we to have your company at dinner?” + </p> + <p> + “Of course you are, my dear; what else do you think he came for? You would + not have the man go back to Paris to get his evening coat, would you?” + </p> + <p> + “At least, my love, I hope you will go and put on YOURS, and change those + muddy boots. Lady Pash will be here in five minutes, and you know Dobus is + as punctual as clockwork.” Then turning to me with a sort of apology that + was as consoling as a box on the ear, “We have some friends at dinner, + sir, who are rather particular persons; but I am sure when they hear that + you only came on a sudden invitation, they will excuse your morning dress.—Bah! + what a smell of smoke!” + </p> + <p> + With this speech madame placed herself majestically on a sofa, put out her + foot, called Fido, and relapsed into an icy silence. Frank had long since + evacuated the premises, with a rueful look at his wife, but never daring + to cast a glance at me. I saw the whole business at once: here was this + lion of a fellow tamed down by a she Van Amburgh, and fetching and + carrying at her orders a great deal more obediently than her little + yowling black-muzzled darling of a Fido. + </p> + <p> + I am not, however, to be tamed so easily, and was determined in this + instance not to be in the least disconcerted, or to show the smallest sign + of ill-humour: so to renouer the conversation, I began about Lady Pash. + </p> + <p> + “I heard you mention the name of Pash, I think?” said I. “I know a lady of + that name, and a very ugly one it is too.” + </p> + <p> + “It is most probably not the same person,” answered Mrs. Berry, with a + look which intimated that a fellow like me could never have had the honour + to know so exalted a person. + </p> + <p> + “I mean old Lady Pash of Hampton Court. Fat woman—fair, ain't she?—and + wears an amethyst in her forehead, has one eye, a blond wig, and dresses + in light green?” + </p> + <p> + “Lady Pash, sir, is MY AUNT,” answered Mrs. Berry (not altogether + displeased, although she expected money from the old lady; but you know we + love to hear our friends abused when it can be safely done). + </p> + <p> + “Oh, indeed! she was a daughter of old Catacomb's of Windsor, I remember, + the undertaker. They called her husband Callipash, and her ladyship + Pishpash. So you see, madam, that I know the whole family!” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Fitz-Simons!” exclaimed Mrs. Berry, rising, “I am not accustomed to + hear nicknames applied to myself and my family; and must beg you, when you + honour us with your company, to spare our feelings as much as possible. + Mr. Catacomb had the confidence of his SOVEREIGN, sir, and Sir John Pash + was of Charles II.'s creation. The one was my uncle, sir; the other my + grandfather!” + </p> + <p> + “My dear madam, I am extremely sorry, and most sincerely apologise for my + inadvertence. But you owe me an apology too: my name is not Fitz-Simons, + but Fitz-Boodle.” + </p> + <p> + “What! of Boodle Hall—my husband's old friend; of Charles I.'s + creation? My dear sir, I beg you a thousand pardons, and am delighted to + welcome a person of whom I have heard Frank say so much. Frank!” (to + Berry, who soon entered in very glossy boots and a white waistcoat), “do + you know, darling, I mistook Mr. Fitz-Boodle for Mr. Fitz-Simons—that + horrid Irish horse-dealing person; and I never, never, never can pardon + myself for being so rude to him.” + </p> + <p> + The big eyes here assumed an expression that was intended to kill me + outright with kindness: from being calm, still, reserved, Angelica + suddenly became gay, smiling, confidential, and folatre. She told me she + had heard I was a sad creature, and that she intended to reform me, and + that I must come and see Frank a great deal. + </p> + <p> + Now, although Mr. Fitz-Simons, for whom I was mistaken, is as low a fellow + as ever came out of Dublin, and having been a captain in somebody's army, + is now a blackleg and horse-dealer by profession; yet, if I had brought + him home to Mrs. Fitz-Boodle to dinner, I should have liked far better + that that imaginary lady should have received him with decent civility, + and not insulted the stranger within her husband's gates. And, although it + was delightful to be received so cordially when the mistake was + discovered, yet I found that ALL Berry's old acquaintances were by no + means so warmly welcomed; for another old school-chum presently made his + appearance, who was treated in a very different manner. + </p> + <p> + This was no other than poor Jack Butts, who is a sort of small artist and + picture-dealer by profession, and was a dayboy at Slaughter House when we + were there, and very serviceable in bringing in sausages, pots of pickles, + and other articles of merchandise, which we could not otherwise procure. + The poor fellow has been employed, seemingly, in the same office of + fetcher and carrier ever since; and occupied that post for Mrs. Berry. It + was, “Mr. Butts, have you finished that drawing for Lady Pash's album?” + and Butts produced it; and, “Did you match the silk for me at Delille's?” + and there was the silk, bought, no doubt, with the poor fellow's last five + francs; and, “Did you go to the furniture-man in the Rue St. Jacques; and + bring the canary-seed, and call about my shawl at that odious dawdling + Madame Fichet's; and have you brought the guitar-strings?” + </p> + <p> + Butts hadn't brought the guitar-strings; and thereupon Mrs. Berry's + countenance assumed the same terrible expression which I had formerly + remarked in it, and which made me tremble for Berry. + </p> + <p> + “My dear Angelica,” though said he with some spirit, “Jack Butts isn't a + baggage-waggon, nor a Jack-of-all-trades; you make him paint pictures for + your women's albums, and look after your upholsterer, and your + canary-bird, and your milliners, and turn rusty because he forgets your + last message.” + </p> + <p> + “I did not turn RUSTY, Frank, as you call it elegantly. I'm very much + obliged to Mr. Butts for performing my commissions—very much + obliged. And as for not paying for the pictures to which you so kindly + allude, Frank, <i>I</i> should never have thought of offering payment for + so paltry a service; but I'm sure I shall be happy to pay if Mr. Butts + will send me in his bill.” + </p> + <p> + “By Jove, Angelica, this is too much!” bounced out Berry; but the little + matrimonial squabble was abruptly ended, by Berry's French man flinging + open the door and announcing MILADI PASH and Doctor Dobus, which two + personages made their appearance. + </p> + <p> + The person of old Pash has been already parenthetically described. But + quite different from her dismal niece in temperament, she is as jolly an + old widow as ever wore weeds. She was attached somehow to the Court, and + has a multiplicity of stories about the princesses and the old King, to + which Mrs. Berry never fails to call your attention in her grave, + important way. Lady Pash has ridden many a time to the Windsor hounds; she + made her husband become a member of the Four-in-hand Club, and has + numberless stories about Sir Godfrey Webster, Sir John Lade, and the old + heroes of those times. She has lent a rouleau to Dick Sheridan, and + remembers Lord Byron when he was a sulky slim young lad. She says Charles + Fox was the pleasantest fellow she ever met with, and has not the + slightest objection to inform you that one of the princes was very much in + love with her. Yet somehow she is only fifty-two years old, and I have + never been able to understand her calculation. One day or other before her + eye went out, and before those pearly teeth of hers were stuck to her gums + by gold, she must have been a pretty-looking body enough. Yet, in spite of + the latter inconvenience, she eats and drinks too much every day, and + tosses off a glass of maraschino with a trembling pudgy hand, every finger + of which twinkles with a dozen, at least, of old rings. She has a story + about every one of those rings, and a stupid one too. But there is always + something pleasant, I think, in stupid family stories: they are + good-hearted people who tell them. + </p> + <p> + As for Mrs. Muchit, nothing need be said of her; she is Pash's companion; + she has lived with Lady Pash since the peace. Nor does my Lady take any + more notice of her than of the dust of the earth. She calls her “poor + Muchit,” and considers her a half-witted creature. Mrs. Berry hates her + cordially, and thinks she is a designing toad-eater, who has formed a + conspiracy to rob her of her aunt's fortune. She never spoke a word to + poor Muchit during the whole of dinner, or offered to help her to anything + on the table. + </p> + <p> + In respect to Dobus, he is an old Peninsular man, as you are made to know + before you have been very long in his company; and, like most army + surgeons, is a great deal more military in his looks and conversation, + than the combatant part of the forces. He has adopted the + sham-Duke-of-Wellington air, which is by no means uncommon in veterans; + and, though one of the easiest and softest fellows in existence, speaks + slowly and briefly, and raps out an oath or two occasionally, as it is + said a certain great captain does. Besides the above, we sat down to table + with Captain Goff, late of the —— Highlanders; the Reverend + Lemuel Whey, who preaches at St. Germains; little Cutler, and the + Frenchman, who always WILL be at English parties on the Continent, and + who, after making some frightful efforts to speak English, subsides and is + heard no more. Young married ladies and heads of families generally have + him for the purpose of waltzing, and in return he informs his friends of + the club or the cafe that he has made the conquest of a charmante + Anglaise. Listen to me, all family men who read this! and never LET AN + UNMARRIED FRENCHMAN INTO YOUR DOORS. This lecture alone is worth the price + of the book. It is not that they do any harm in one case out of a + thousand, Heaven forbid! but they mean harm. They look on our Susannas + with unholy dishonest eyes. Hearken to two of the grinning rogues + chattering together as they clink over the asphalte of the Boulevard with + lacquered boots, and plastered hair, and waxed moustaches, and turned-down + shirt-collars, and stays and goggling eyes, and hear how they talk of a + good simple giddy vain dull Baker Street creature, and canvass her points, + and show her letters, and insinuate—never mind, but I tell you my + soul grows angry when I think of the same; and I can't hear of an + Englishwoman marrying a Frenchman without feeling a sort of shame and pity + for her. <a href="#linknote-4" name="linknoteref-4" id="linknoteref-4"><small>4</small></a> + </p> + <p> + To return to the guests. The Reverend Lemuel Whey is a tea-party man, with + a curl on his forehead and a scented pocket-handkerchief. He ties his + white neckcloth to a wonder, and I believe sleeps in it. He brings his + flute with him; and prefers Handel, of course; but has one or two pet + profane songs of the sentimental kind, and will occasionally lift up his + little pipe in a glee. He does not dance, but the honest fellow would give + the world to do it; and he leaves his clogs in the passage, though it is a + wonder he wears them, for in the muddiest weather he never has a speck on + his foot. He was at St. John's College, Cambridge, and was rather gay for + a term or two, he says. He is, in a word, full of the milk-and-water of + human kindness, and his family lives near Hackney. + </p> + <p> + As for Goff, he has a huge shining bald forehead, and immense bristling + Indian-red whiskers. He wears white wash-leather gloves, drinks fairly, + likes a rubber, and has a story for after dinner, beginning, “Doctor, ye + racklackt Sandy M'Lellan, who joined us in the West Indies. Wal, sir,” + etc. These and little Cutler made up the party. + </p> + <p> + Now it may not have struck all readers, but any sharp fellow conversant + with writing must have found out long ago, that if there had been + something exceedingly interesting to narrate with regard to this dinner at + Frank Berry's, I should have come out with it a couple of pages since, nor + have kept the public looking for so long a time at the dish-covers and + ornaments of the table. + </p> + <p> + But the simple fact must now be told, that there was nothing of the + slightest importance occurred at this repast, except that it gave me an + opportunity of studying Mrs. Berry in many different ways; and, in spite + of the extreme complaisance which she now showed me, of forming, I am + sorry to say, a most unfavourable opinion of that fair lady. Truth to + tell, I would much rather she should have been civil to Mrs. Muchit, than + outrageously complimentary to your humble servant; and as she professed + not to know what on earth there was for dinner, would it not have been + much more natural for her not to frown, and bob, and wink, and point, and + pinch her lips as often as Monsieur Anatole, her French domestic, not + knowing the ways of English dinner-tables, placed anything out of its due + order? The allusions to Boodle Hall were innumerable, and I don't know any + greater bore than to be obliged to talk of a place which belongs to one's + elder brother. Many questions were likewise asked about the dowager and + her Scotch relatives, the Plumduffs, about whom Lady Pash knew a great + deal, having seen them at Court and at Lord Melville's. Of course she had + seen them at Court and at Lord Melville's, as she might have seen + thousands of Scotchmen besides; but what mattered it to me, who care not a + jot for old Lady Fitz-Boodle? “When you write, you'll say you met an old + friend of her Ladyship's,” says Mrs. Berry, and I faithfully promised I + would when I wrote; but if the New Post Office paid us for writing letters + (as very possibly it will soon), I could not be bribed to send a line to + old Lady Fitz. + </p> + <p> + In a word, I found that Berry, like many simple fellows before him, had + made choice of an imperious, ill-humoured, and underbred female for a + wife, and could see with half an eye that he was a great deal too much her + slave. + </p> + <p> + The struggle was not over yet, however. Witness that little encounter + before dinner; and once or twice the honest fellow replied rather smartly + during the repast, taking especial care to atone as much as possible for + his wife's inattention to Jack and Mrs. Muchit, by particular attention to + those personages, whom he helped to everything round about and pressed + perpetually to champagne; he drank but little himself, for his amiable + wife's eye was constantly fixed on him. + </p> + <p> + Just at the conclusion of the dessert, madame, who had bouded Berry during + dinner-time, became particularly gracious to her lord and master, and + tenderly asked me if I did not think the French custom was a good one, of + men leaving table with the ladies. + </p> + <p> + “Upon my word, ma'am,” says I, “I think it's a most abominable practice.” + </p> + <p> + “And so do I,” says Cutler. + </p> + <p> + “A most abominable practice! Do you hear THAT?” cries Berry, laughing, and + filling his glass. + </p> + <p> + “I'm sure, Frank, when we are alone you always come to the drawing-room,” + replies the lady, sharply. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, yes! when we're alone, darling,” says Berry, blushing; “but now we're + NOT alone—ha, ha! Anatole, du Bordeaux!” + </p> + <p> + “I'm sure they sat after the ladies at Carlton House; didn't they, Lady + Pash?” says Dobus, who likes his glass. + </p> + <p> + “THAT they did!” says my Lady, giving him a jolly nod. + </p> + <p> + “I racklackt,” exclaims Captain Goff, “when I was in the Mauritius, that + Mestress MacWhirter, who commanded the Saxty-Sackond, used to say, 'Mac, + if ye want to get lively, ye'll not stop for more than two hours after the + leddies have laft ye: if ye want to get drunk, ye'll just dine at the + mass.' So ye see, Mestress Barry, what was Mac's allowance—haw, haw! + Mester Whey, I'll trouble ye for the o-lives.” + </p> + <p> + But although we were in a clear majority, that indomitable woman, Mrs. + Berry, determined to make us all as uneasy as possible, and would take the + votes all round. Poor Jack, of course, sided with her, and Whey said he + loved a cup of tea and a little music better than all the wine of + Bordeaux. As for the Frenchman, when Mrs. Berry said, “And what do you + think, M. le Vicomte?” + </p> + <p> + “Vat you speak?” said M. de Blagueval, breaking silence for the first time + during two hours. “Yase—eh? to me you speak?” + </p> + <p> + “Apry deeny, aimy-voo ally avec les dam?” + </p> + <p> + “Comment avec les dames?” + </p> + <p> + “Ally avec les dam com a Parry, ou resty avec les Messew com on + Onglyterre?” + </p> + <p> + “Ah, madame! vous me le demandez?” cries the little wretch, starting up in + a theatrical way, and putting out his hand, which Mrs. Berry took, and + with this the ladies left the room. Old Lady Pash trotted after her niece + with her hand in Whey's, very much wondering at such practices, which were + not in the least in vogue in the reign of George III. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Berry cast a glance of triumph at her husband, at the defection; and + Berry was evidently annoyed that three-eighths of his male forces had left + him. + </p> + <p> + But fancy our delight and astonishment, when in a minute they all three + came back again; the Frenchman looking entirely astonished, and the parson + and the painter both very queer. The fact is, old downright Lady Pash, who + had never been in Paris in her life before, and had no notion of being + deprived of her usual hour's respite and nap, said at once to Mrs. Berry, + “My dear Angelica, you're surely not going to keep these three men here? + Send them back to the dining-room, for I've a thousand things to say to + you.” And Angelica, who expects to inherit her aunt's property, of course + did as she was bid; on which the old lady fell into an easy chair, and + fell asleep immediately,—so soon, that is, as the shout caused by + the reappearance of the three gentlemen in the dining-room had subsided. + </p> + <p> + I had meanwhile had some private conversation with little Cutler regarding + the character of Mrs. Berry. “She's a regular screw,” whispered he; “a + regular Tartar. Berry shows fight, though, sometimes, and I've known him + have his own way for a week together. After dinner he is his own master, + and hers when he has had his share of wine; and that's why she will never + allow him to drink any.” + </p> + <p> + Was it a wicked, or was it a noble and honourable thought which came to us + both at the same minute, to rescue Berry from his captivity? The ladies, + of course, will give their verdict according to their gentle natures; but + I know what men of courage will think, and by their jovial judgment will + abide. + </p> + <p> + We received, then, the three lost sheep back into our innocent fold again + with the most joyous shouting and cheering. We made Berry (who was, in + truth, nothing loth) order up I don't know how much more claret. We + obliged the Frenchman to drink malgre lui, and in the course of a short + time we had poor Whey in such a state of excitement, that he actually + volunteered to sing a song, which he said he had heard at some very gay + supper-party at Cambridge, and which begins: + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + “A pye sat on a pear-tree, + A pye sat on a pear-tree, + A pye sat on a pear-tree, + Heigh-ho, heigh-ho, heigh-ho!” + </pre> + <p> + Fancy Mrs. Berry's face as she looked in, in the midst of that + Bacchanalian ditty, when she saw no less a person than the Reverend Lemuel + Whey carolling it! + </p> + <p> + “Is it you, my dear?” cries Berry, as brave now as any Petruchio. “Come + in, and sit down, and hear Whey's song.” + </p> + <p> + “Lady Pash is asleep, Frank,” said she. + </p> + <p> + “Well, darling! that's the very reason. Give Mrs. Berry a glass, Jack, + will you?” + </p> + <p> + “Would you wake your aunt, sir?” hissed out madame. + </p> + <p> + “NEVER MIND ME, LOVE! I'M AWAKE, AND LIKE IT!” cried the venerable Lady + Pash from the salon. “Sing away, gentlemen!” + </p> + <p> + At which we all set up an audacious cheer; and Mrs. Berry flounced back to + the drawing-room, but did not leave the door open, that her aunt might + hear our melodies. + </p> + <p> + Berry had by this time arrived at that confidential state to which a third + bottle always brings the well-regulated mind; and he made a clean + confession to Cutler and myself of his numerous matrimonial annoyances. He + was not allowed to dine out, he said, and but seldom to ask his friends to + meet him at home. He never dared smoke a cigar for the life of him, not + even in the stables. He spent the mornings dawdling in eternal shops, the + evenings at endless tea-parties, or in reading poems or missionary tracts + to his wife. He was compelled to take physic whenever she thought he + looked a little pale, to change his shoes and stockings whenever he came + in from a walk. “Look here,” said he, opening his chest, and shaking his + fist at Dobus; “look what Angelica and that infernal Dobus have brought me + to.” + </p> + <p> + I thought it might be a flannel waistcoat into which madame had forced + him; but it was worse: I give you my word of honour it was a + PITCH-PLASTER! + </p> + <p> + We all roared at this, and the doctor as loud as anyone; but he vowed that + he had no hand in the pitch-plaster. It was a favourite family remedy of + the late apothecary Sir George Catacomb, and had been put on by Mrs. + Berry's own fair hands. + </p> + <p> + When Anatole came in with coffee, Berry was in such high courage, that he + told him to go to the deuce with it; and we never caught sight of Lady + Pash more, except when, muffled up to the nose, she passed through the + salle-a-manger to go to her carriage, in which Dobus and the parson were + likewise to be transported to Paris. “Be a man, Frank,” says she, “and + hold your own”—for the good old lady had taken her nephew's part in + the matrimonial business—“and you, Mr. Fitz-Boodle, come and see him + often. You're a good fellow, take old one-eyed Callipash's word for it. + Shall I take you to Paris?” + </p> + <p> + Dear kind Angelica, she had told her aunt all I said! + </p> + <p> + “Don't go, George,” says Berry, squeezing me by the hand. So I said I was + going to sleep at Versailles that night; but if she would give a convoy to + Jack Butts, it would be conferring a great obligation on him; with which + favour the old lady accordingly complied, saying to him, with great + coolness, “Get up and sit with John in the rumble, Mr. + What-d'ye-call-'im.” The fact is, the good old soul despises an artist as + much as she does a tailor. + </p> + <p> + Jack tripped to his place very meekly; and “Remember Saturday,” cried the + Doctor; and “Don't forget Thursday!” exclaimed the divine,—“a + bachelor's party, you know.” And so the cavalcade drove thundering down + the gloomy old Avenue de Paris. + </p> + <p> + The Frenchman, I forgot to say, had gone away exceedingly ill long before; + and the reminiscences of “Thursday” and “Saturday” evoked by Dobus and + Whey, were, to tell the truth, parts of our conspiracy; for in the heat of + Berry's courage, we had made him promise to dine with us all round en + garcon; with all except Captain Goff, who “racklacted” that he was engaged + every day for the next three weeks: as indeed he is, to a thirty-sous + ordinary which the gallant officer frequents, when not invited elsewhere. + </p> + <p> + Cutler and I then were the last on the field; and though we were for + moving away, Berry, whose vigour had, if possible, been excited by the + bustle and colloquy in the night air, insisted upon dragging us back + again, and actually proposed a grill for supper! + </p> + <p> + We found in the salle-a-manger a strong smell of an extinguished lamp, and + Mrs. Berry was snuffing out the candles on the sideboard. + </p> + <p> + “Hullo, my dear!” shouts Berry: “easy, if you please; we've not done yet!” + </p> + <p> + “Not done yet, Mr. Berry!” groans the lady, in a hollow sepulchral tone. + </p> + <p> + “No, Mrs. B., not done yet. We are going to have some supper, ain't we, + George?” + </p> + <p> + “I think it's quite time to go home,” said Mr. Fitz-Boodle (who, to say + the truth, began to tremble himself). + </p> + <p> + “I think it is, sir; you are quite right, sir; you will pardon me, + gentlemen, I have a bad headache, and will retire.” + </p> + <p> + “Good-night, my dear!” said that audacious Berry. “Anatole, tell the cook + to broil a fowl and bring some wine.” + </p> + <p> + If the loving couple had been alone, or if Cutler had not been an attache + to the embassy, before whom she was afraid of making herself ridiculous, I + am confident that Mrs. Berry would have fainted away on the spot; and that + all Berry's courage would have tumbled down lifeless by the side of her. + So she only gave a martyrised look, and left the room; and while we + partook of the very unnecessary repast, was good enough to sing some + hymn-tunes to an exceedingly slow movement in the next room, intimating + that she was awake, and that, though suffering, she found her consolations + in religion. + </p> + <p> + These melodies did not in the least add to our friend's courage. The + devilled fowl had, somehow, no devil in it. The champagne in the glasses + looked exceedingly flat and blue. The fact is, that Cutler and I were now + both in a state of dire consternation, and soon made a move for our hats, + and lighting each a cigar in the hall, made across the little green where + the Cupids and nymphs were listening to the dribbling fountain in the + dark. + </p> + <p> + “I'm hanged if I don't have a cigar too!” says Berry, rushing after us; + and accordingly putting in his pocket a key about the size of a shovel, + which hung by the little handle of the outer grille, forth he sallied, and + joined us in our fumigation. + </p> + <p> + He stayed with us a couple of hours, and returned homewards in perfect + good spirits, having given me his word of honour he would dine with us the + next day. He put his immense key into the grille, and unlocked it; but the + gate would not open: IT WAS BOLTED WITHIN. + </p> + <p> + He began to make a furious jangling and ringing at the bell; and in oaths, + both French and English, called upon the recalcitrant Anatole. + </p> + <p> + After much tolling of the bell, a light came cutting across the crevices + of the inner door; it was thrown open, and a figure appeared with a lamp,—a + tall slim figure of a woman, clothed in white from head to foot. + </p> + <p> + It was Mrs. Berry, and when Cutler and I saw her, we both ran away as fast + as our legs could carry us. + </p> + <p> + Berry, at this, shrieked with a wild laughter. “Remember to-morrow, old + boys,” shouted he,—“six o'clock;” and we were a quarter of a mile + off when the gate closed, and the little mansion of the Avenue de Paris + was once more quiet and dark. + </p> + <p> + The next afternoon, as we were playing at billiards, Cutler saw Mrs. Berry + drive by in her carriage; and as soon as rather a long rubber was over, I + thought I would go and look for our poor friend, and so went down to the + Pavilion. Every door was open, as the wont is in France, and I walked in + unannounced, and saw this: + </p> + <p> + He was playing a duet with her on the flute. She had been out but for + half-an-hour, after not speaking all the morning; and having seen Cutler + at the billiard-room window, and suspecting we might take advantage of her + absence, she had suddenly returned home again, and had flung herself, + weeping, into her Frank's arms, and said she could not bear to leave him + in anger. And so, after sitting for a little while sobbing on his knee, + she had forgotten and forgiven every thing! + </p> + <p> + The dear angel! I met poor Frank in Bond Street only yesterday; but he + crossed over to the other side of the way. He had on goloshes, and is + grown very fat and pale. He has shaved off his moustaches, and, instead, + wears a respirator. He has taken his name off all his clubs, and lives + very grimly in Baker Street. Well, ladies, no doubt you say he is right: + and what are the odds, so long as YOU are happy? + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_4_0014" id="link2H_4_0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + DENNIS HAGGARTY'S WIFE. + </h2> + <p> + There was an odious Irishwoman who with her daughter used to frequent the + “Royal Hotel” at Leamington some years ago, and who went by the name of + Mrs. Major Gam. Gam had been a distinguished officer in His Majesty's + service, whom nothing but death and his own amiable wife could overcome. + The widow mourned her husband in the most becoming bombazeen she could + muster, and had at least half an inch of lampblack round the immense + visiting tickets which she left at the houses of the nobility and gentry + her friends. + </p> + <p> + Some of us, I am sorry to say, used to call her Mrs. Major Gammon; for if + the worthy widow had a propensity, it was to talk largely of herself and + family (of her own family, for she held her husband's very cheap), and of + the wonders of her paternal mansion, Molloyville, county of Mayo. She was + of the Molloys of that county; and though I never heard of the family + before, I have little doubt, from what Mrs. Major Gam stated, that they + were the most ancient and illustrious family of that part of Ireland. I + remember there came down to see his aunt a young fellow with huge red + whiskers and tight nankeens, a green coat, and an awful breastpin, who, + after two days' stay at the Spa, proposed marriage to Miss S——, + or, in default, a duel with her father; and who drove a flash curricle + with a bay and a grey, and who was presented with much pride by Mrs. Gam + as Castlereagh Molloy of Molloyville. We all agreed that he was the most + insufferable snob of the whole season, and were delighted when a bailiff + came down in search of him. + </p> + <p> + Well, this is all I know personally of the Molloyville family; but at the + house if you met the widow Gam, and talked on any subject in life, you + were sure to hear of it. If you asked her to have peas at dinner, she + would say, “Oh, sir, after the peas at Molloyville, I really don't care + for any others,—do I, dearest Jemima? We always had a dish in the + month of June, when my father gave his head gardener a guinea (we had + three at Molloyville), and sent him with his compliments and a quart of + peas to our neighbour, dear Lord Marrowfat. What a sweet place Marrowfat + Park is! isn't it, Jemima?” If a carriage passed by the window, Mrs. Major + Gammon would be sure to tell you that there were three carriages at + Molloyville, “the barouche, the chawiot, and the covered cyar.” In the + same manner she would favour you with the number and names of the footmen + of the establishment; and on a visit to Warwick Castle (for this bustling + woman made one in every party of pleasure that was formed from the hotel), + she gave us to understand that the great walk by the river was altogether + inferior to the principal avenue of Molloyville Park. I should not have + been able to tell so much about Mrs. Gam and her daughter, but that, + between ourselves, I was particularly sweet upon a young lady at the time, + whose papa lived at the “Royal,” and was under the care of Doctor Jephson. + </p> + <p> + The Jemima appealed to by Mrs. Gam in the above sentence was, of course, + her daughter, apostrophised by her mother, “Jemima, my soul's darling?” + or, “Jemima, my blessed child!” or, “Jemima, my own love!” The sacrifices + that Mrs. Gam had made for that daughter were, she said, astonishing. The + money she had spent in masters upon her, the illnesses through which she + had nursed her, the ineffable love the mother bore her, were only known to + Heaven, Mrs. Gam said. They used to come into the room with their arms + round each other's waists: at dinner between the courses the mother would + sit with one hand locked in her daughter's; and if only two or three young + men were present at the time, would be pretty sure to kiss her Jemima more + than once during the time whilst the bohea was poured out. + </p> + <p> + As for Miss Gam, if she was not handsome, candour forbids me to say she + was ugly. She was neither one nor t'other. She was a person who wore + ringlets and a band round her forehead; she knew four songs, which became + rather tedious at the end of a couple of months' acquaintance; she had + excessively bare shoulders; she inclined to wear numbers of cheap + ornaments, rings, brooches, ferronnieres, smelling-bottles, and was + always, we thought, very smartly dressed: though old Mrs. Lynx hinted that + her gowns and her mother's were turned over and over again, and that her + eyes were almost put out by darning stockings. + </p> + <p> + These eyes Miss Gam had very large, though rather red and weak, and used + to roll them about at every eligible unmarried man in the place. But + though the widow subscribed to all the balls, though she hired a fly to go + to the meet of the hounds, though she was constant at church, and Jemima + sang louder than any person there except the clerk, and though, probably, + any person who made her a happy husband would be invited down to enjoy the + three footmen, gardeners, and carriages at Molloyville, yet no English + gentleman was found sufficiently audacious to propose. Old Lynx used to + say that the pair had been at Tunbridge, Harrogate, Brighton, Ramsgate, + Cheltenham, for this eight years past; where they had met, it seemed, with + no better fortune. Indeed, the widow looked rather high for her blessed + child: and as she looked with the contempt which no small number of Irish + people feel upon all persons who get their bread by labour or commerce; + and as she was a person whose energetic manners, costume, and brogue were + not much to the taste of quiet English country gentlemen, Jemima—sweet, + spotless flower—still remained on her hands, a thought withered, + perhaps, and seedy. + </p> + <p> + Now, at this time, the 120th Regiment was quartered at Weedon Barracks, + and with the corps was a certain Assistant-Surgeon Haggarty, a large, + lean, tough, raw-boned man, with big hands, knock-knees, and carroty + whiskers, and, withal, as honest a creature as ever handled a lancet. + Haggarty, as his name imports, was of the very same nation as Mrs. Gam, + and, what is more, the honest fellow had some of the peculiarities which + belonged to the widow, and bragged about his family almost as much as she + did. I do not know of what particular part of Ireland they were kings; but + monarchs they must have been, as have been the ancestors of so many + thousand Hibernian families; but they had been men of no small + consideration in Dublin, “where my father,” Haggarty said, “is as well + known as King William's statue, and where he 'rowls his carriage, too,' + let me tell ye.” + </p> + <p> + Hence, Haggarty was called by the wags “Rowl the carriage,” and several of + them made inquiries of Mrs. Gam regarding him: “Mrs. Gam, when you used to + go up from Molloyville to the Lord Lieutenant's balls, and had your + townhouse in Fitzwilliam Square, used you to meet the famous Doctor + Haggarty in society?” + </p> + <p> + “Is it Surgeon Haggarty of Gloucester Street ye mean? The black Papist! + D'ye suppose that the Molloys would sit down to table with a creature of + that sort?” + </p> + <p> + “Why, isn't he the most famous physician in Dublin, and doesn't he rowl + his carriage there?” + </p> + <p> + “The horrid wretch! He keeps a shop, I tell ye, and sends his sons out + with the medicine. He's got four of them off into the army, Ulick and + Phil, and Terence and Denny, and now it's Charles that takes out the + physic. But how should I know about these odious creatures? Their mother + was a Burke, of Burke's Town, county Cavan, and brought Surgeon Haggarty + two thousand pounds. She was a Protestant; and I am surprised how she + could have taken up with a horrid odious Popish apothecary!” + </p> + <p> + From the extent of the widow's information, I am led to suppose that the + inhabitants of Dublin are not less anxious about their neighbours than are + the natives of English cities; and I think it is very probable that Mrs. + Gam's account of the young Haggartys who carried out the medicine is + perfectly correct, for a lad in the 120th made a caricature of Haggarty + coming out of a chemist's shop with an oilcloth basket under his arm, + which set the worthy surgeon in such a fury that there would have been a + duel between him and the ensign, could the fiery doctor have had his way. + </p> + <p> + Now, Dionysius Haggarty was of an exceedingly inflammable temperament, and + it chanced that of all the invalids, the visitors, the young squires of + Warwickshire, the young manufacturers from Birmingham, the young officers + from the barracks—it chanced, unluckily for Miss Gam and himself, + that he was the only individual who was in the least smitten by her + personal charms. He was very tender and modest about his love, however, + for it must be owned that he respected Mrs. Gam hugely, and fully + admitted, like a good simple fellow as he was, the superiority of that + lady's birth and breeding to his own. How could he hope that he, a humble + assistant-surgeon, with a thousand pounds his Aunt Kitty left him for all + his fortune—how could he hope that one of the race of Molloyville + would ever condescend to marry him? + </p> + <p> + Inflamed, however, by love, and inspired by wine, one day at a picnic at + Kenilworth, Haggarty, whose love and raptures were the talk of the whole + regiment, was induced by his waggish comrades to make a proposal in form. + </p> + <p> + “Are you aware, Mr. Haggarty, that you are speaking to a Molloy?” was all + the reply majestic Mrs. Gam made when, according to the usual formula, the + fluttering Jemima referred her suitor to “Mamma.” She left him with a look + which was meant to crush the poor fellow to earth; she gathered up her + cloak and bonnet, and precipitately called for her fly. She took care to + tell every single soul in Leamington that the son of the odious Papist + apothecary had had the audacity to propose for her daughter (indeed a + proposal, coming from whatever quarter it may, does no harm), and left + Haggarty in a state of extreme depression and despair. + </p> + <p> + His down-heartedness, indeed, surprised most of his acquaintances in and + out of the regiment, for the young lady was no beauty, and a doubtful + fortune, and Dennis was a man outwardly of an unromantic turn, who seemed + to have a great deal more liking for beefsteak and whisky-punch than for + women, however fascinating. + </p> + <p> + But there is no doubt this shy uncouth rough fellow had a warmer and more + faithful heart hid within him than many a dandy who is as handsome as + Apollo. I, for my part, never can understand why a man falls in love, and + heartily give him credit for so doing, never mind with what or whom. THAT + I take to be a point quite as much beyond an individual's own control as + the catching of the small-pox or the colour of his hair. To the surprise + of all, Assistant-Surgeon Dionysius Haggarty was deeply and seriously in + love; and I am told that one day he very nearly killed the + before-mentioned young ensign with a carving-knife, for venturing to make + a second caricature, representing Lady Gammon and Jemima in a fantastical + park, surrounded by three gardeners, three carriages, three footmen, and + the covered cyar. He would have no joking concerning them. He became moody + and quarrelsome of habit. He was for some time much more in the surgery + and hospital than in the mess. He gave up the eating, for the most part, + of those vast quantities of beef and pudding, for which his stomach used + to afford such ample and swift accommodation; and when the cloth was + drawn, instead of taking twelve tumblers, and singing Irish melodies, as + he used to do, in a horrible cracked yelling voice, he would retire to his + own apartment, or gloomily pace the barrack-yard, or madly whip and spur a + grey mare he had on the road to Leamington, where his Jemima (although + invisible for him) still dwelt. + </p> + <p> + The season at Leamington coming to a conclusion by the withdrawal of the + young fellows who frequented that watering-place, the widow Gam retired to + her usual quarters for the other months of the year. Where these quarters + were, I think we have no right to ask, for I believe she had quarrelled + with her brother at Molloyville, and besides, was a great deal too proud + to be a burden on anybody. + </p> + <p> + Not only did the widow quit Leamington, but very soon afterwards the 120th + received its marching orders, and left Weedon and Warwickshire. Haggarty's + appetite was by this time partially restored, but his love was not + altered, and his humour was still morose and gloomy. I am informed that at + this period of his life he wrote some poems relative to his unhappy + passion; a wild set of verses of several lengths, and in his handwriting, + being discovered upon a sheet of paper in which a pitch-plaster was + wrapped up, which Lieutenant and Adjutant Wheezer was compelled to put on + for a cold. + </p> + <p> + Fancy then, three years afterwards, the surprise of all Haggarty's + acquaintances on reading in the public papers the following announcement: + </p> + <p> + “Married, at Monkstown on the 12th instant, Dionysius Haggarty, Esq., of + H.M. 120th Foot, to Jemima Amelia Wilhelmina Molloy, daughter of the late + Major Lancelot Gam, R.M., and granddaughter of the late, and niece of the + present Burke Bodkin Blake Molloy, Esq., Molloyville, county Mayo.” + </p> + <p> + “Has the course of true love at last begun to run smooth?” thought I, as I + laid down the paper; and the old times, and the old leering bragging + widow, and the high shoulders of her daughter, and the jolly days with the + 120th, and Doctor Jephson's one-horse chaise, and the Warwickshire hunt, + and—and Louisa S——, but never mind HER,—came back + to my mind. Has that good-natured simple fellow at last met with his + reward? Well, if he has not to marry the mother-in-law too, he may get on + well enough. + </p> + <p> + Another year announced the retirement of Assistant-Surgeon Haggarty from + the 120th, where he was replaced by Assistant-Surgeon Angus Rothsay Leech, + a Scotchman, probably; with whom I have not the least acquaintance, and + who has nothing whatever to do with this little history. + </p> + <p> + Still more years passed on, during which time I will not say that I kept a + constant watch upon the fortunes of Mr. Haggarty and his lady; for, + perhaps, if the truth were known, I never thought for a moment about them; + until one day, being at Kingstown, near Dublin, dawdling on the beach, and + staring at the Hill of Howth, as most people at that watering-place do, I + saw coming towards me a tall gaunt man, with a pair of bushy red whiskers, + of which I thought I had seen the like in former years, and a face which + could be no other than Haggarty's. It was Haggarty, ten years older than + when we last met, and greatly more grim and thin. He had on one shoulder a + young gentleman in a dirty tartan costume, and a face exceedingly like his + own peeping from under a battered plume of black feathers, while with his + other hand he was dragging a light green go-cart, in which reposed a + female infant of some two years old. Both were roaring with great power of + lungs. + </p> + <p> + As soon as Dennis saw me, his face lost the dull puzzled expression which + had seemed to characterise it; he dropped the pole of the go-cart from one + hand, and his son from the other, and came jumping forward to greet me + with all his might, leaving his progeny roaring in the road. + </p> + <p> + “Bless my sowl,” says he, “sure it's Fitz-Boodle? Fitz, don't you remember + me? Dennis Haggarty of the 120th? Leamington, you know? Molloy, my boy, + hould your tongue, and stop your screeching, and Jemima's too; d'ye hear? + Well, it does good to sore eyes to see an old face. How fat you're grown, + Fitz; and were ye ever in Ireland before? and a'n't ye delighted with it? + Confess, now, isn't it beautiful?” + </p> + <p> + This question regarding the merits of their country, which I have remarked + is put by most Irish persons, being answered in a satisfactory manner, and + the shouts of the infants appeased from an apple-stall hard by, Dennis and + I talked of old times; I congratulated him on his marriage with the lovely + girl whom we all admired, and hoped he had a fortune with her, and so + forth. His appearance, however, did not bespeak a great fortune: he had an + old grey hat, short old trousers, an old waistcoat with regimental + buttons, and patched Blucher boots, such as are not usually sported by + persons in easy life. + </p> + <p> + “Ah!” says he, with a sigh, in reply to my queries, “times are changed + since them days, Fitz-Boodle. My wife's not what she was—the + beautiful creature you knew her. Molloy, my boy, run off in a hurry to + your mamma, and tell her an English gentleman is coming home to dine; for + you'll dine with me, Fitz, in course?” And I agreed to partake of that + meal; though Master Molloy altogether declined to obey his papa's orders + with respect to announcing the stranger. + </p> + <p> + “Well, I must announce you myself,” said Haggarty, with a smile. “Come, + it's just dinner-time, and my little cottage is not a hundred yards off.” + Accordingly, we all marched in procession to Dennis's little cottage, + which was one of a row and a half of one-storied houses, with little + courtyards before them, and mostly with very fine names on the doorposts + of each. “Surgeon Haggarty” was emblazoned on Dennis's gate, on a stained + green copper-plate; and, not content with this, on the door-post above the + bell was an oval with the inscription of “New Molloyville.” The bell was + broken, of course; the court, or garden-path, was mouldy, weedy, seedy; + there were some dirty rocks, by way of ornament, round a faded glass-plat + in the centre, some clothes and rags hanging out of most part of the + windows of New Molloyville, the immediate entrance to which was by a + battered scraper, under a broken trellis-work, up which a withered creeper + declined any longer to climb. + </p> + <p> + “Small, but snug,” says Haggarty: “I'll lead the way, Fitz; put your hat + on the flower-pot there, and turn to the left into the drawing-room.” A + fog of onions and turf-smoke filled the whole of the house, and gave signs + that dinner was not far off. Far off? You could hear it frizzling in the + kitchen, where the maid was also endeavouring to hush the crying of a + third refractory child. But as we entered, all three of Haggarty's + darlings were in full roar. + </p> + <p> + “Is it you, Dennis?” cried a sharp raw voice, from a dark corner in the + drawing-room to which we were introduced, and in which a dirty tablecloth + was laid for dinner, some bottles of porter and a cold mutton-bone being + laid out on a rickety grand piano hard by. “Ye're always late, Mr. + Haggarty. Have you brought the whisky from Nowlan's? I'll go bail ye've + not, now.” + </p> + <p> + “My dear, I've brought an old friend of yours and mine to take pot-luck + with us to-day,” said Dennis. + </p> + <p> + “When is he to come?” said the lady. At which speech I was rather + surprised, for I stood before her. + </p> + <p> + “Here he is, Jemima my love,” answered Dennis, looking at me. “Mr. + Fitz-Boodle: don't you remember him in Warwickshire, darling?” + </p> + <p> + “Mr. Fitz-Boodle! I am very glad to see him,” said the lady, rising and + curtseying with much cordiality. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Haggarty was blind. + </p> + <p> + Mrs. Haggarty was not only blind, but it was evident that smallpox had + been the cause of her loss of vision. Her eyes were bound with a bandage, + her features were entirely swollen, scarred and distorted by the horrible + effects of the malady. She had been knitting in a corner when we entered, + and was wrapped in a very dirty bedgown. Her voice to me was quite + different to that in which she addressed her husband. She spoke to + Haggarty in broad Irish: she addressed me in that most odious of all + languages—Irish-English, endeavouring to the utmost to disguise her + brogue, and to speak with the true dawdling distingue English air. + </p> + <p> + “Are you long in I-a-land?” said the poor creature in this accent. “You + must faind it a sad ba'ba'ous place, Mr Fitz-Boodle, I'm shu-ah! It was + vary kaind of you to come upon us en famille, and accept a dinner sans + ceremonie. Mr. Haggarty, I hope you'll put the waine into aice, Mr. + Fitz-Boodle must be melted with this hot weathah.” + </p> + <p> + For some time she conducted the conversation in this polite strain, and I + was obliged to say, in reply to a query of hers, that I did not find her + the least altered, though I should never have recognised her but for this + rencontre. She told Haggarty with a significant air to get the wine from + the cellah, and whispered to me that he was his own butlah; and the poor + fellow, taking the hint, scudded away into the town for a pound of + beefsteak and a couple of bottles of wine from the tavern. + </p> + <p> + “Will the childhren get their potatoes and butther here?” said a barefoot + girl, with long black hair flowing over her face, which she thrust in at + the door. + </p> + <p> + “Let them sup in the nursery, Elizabeth, and send—ah! Edwards to + me.” + </p> + <p> + “Is it cook you mane, ma'am?” said the girl. + </p> + <p> + “Send her at once!” shrieked the unfortunate woman; and the noise of + frying presently ceasing, a hot woman made her appearance, wiping her + brows with her apron, and asking, with an accent decidedly Hibernian, what + the misthress wanted. + </p> + <p> + “Lead me up to my dressing-room, Edwards: I really am not fit to be seen + in this dishabille by Mr. Fitz-Boodle.” + </p> + <p> + “Fait' I can't!” says Edwards; “sure the masther's at the butcher's, and + can't look to the kitchen-fire!” + </p> + <p> + “Nonsense, I must go!” cried Mrs. Haggarty; and Edwards, putting on a + resigned air, and giving her arm and face a further rub with her apron, + held out her arm to Mrs. Dennis, and the pair went upstairs. + </p> + <p> + She left me to indulge my reflections for half-an-hour, at the end of + which period she came downstairs dressed in an old yellow satin, with the + poor shoulders exposed just as much as ever. She had mounted a tawdry cap, + which Haggarty himself must have selected for her. She had all sorts of + necklaces, bracelets, and earrings in gold, in garnets, in + mother-of-pearl, in ormolu. She brought in a furious savour of musk, which + drove the odours of onions and turf-smoke before it; and she waved across + her wretched angular mean scarred features an old cambric handkerchief + with a yellow lace-border. + </p> + <p> + “And so you would have known me anywhere, Mr. Fitz-Boodle?” said she, with + a grin that was meant to be most fascinating. “I was sure you would; for + though my dreadful illness deprived me of my sight, it is a mercy that it + did not change my features or complexion at all!” + </p> + <p> + This mortification had been spared the unhappy woman; but I don't know + whether, with all her vanity, her infernal pride, folly, and selfishness, + it was charitable to leave her in her error. + </p> + <p> + Yet why correct her? There is a quality in certain people which is above + all advice, exposure, or correction. Only let a man or woman have DULNESS + sufficient, and they need bow to no extant authority. A dullard recognises + no betters; a dullard can't see that he is in the wrong; a dullard has no + scruples of conscience, no doubts of pleasing, or succeeding, or doing + right; no qualms for other people's feelings, no respect but for the fool + himself. How can you make a fool perceive he is a fool? Such a personage + can no more see his own folly than he can see his own ears. And the great + quality of Dulness is to be unalterably contented with itself. What + myriads of souls are there of this admirable sort,—selfish, stingy, + ignorant, passionate, brutal; bad sons, mothers, fathers, never known to + do kind actions! + </p> + <p> + To pause, however, in this disquisition, which was carrying us far off + Kingstown, New Molloyville, Ireland—nay, into the wide world + wherever Dulness inhabits—let it be stated that Mrs. Haggarty, from + my brief acquaintance with her and her mother, was of the order of persons + just mentioned. There was an air of conscious merit about her, very hard + to swallow along with the infamous dinner poor Dennis managed, after much + delay, to get on the table. She did not fail to invite me to Molloyville, + where she said her cousin would be charmed to see me; and she told me + almost as many anecdotes about that place as her mother used to impart in + former days. I observed, moreover, that Dennis cut her the favourite + pieces of the beefsteak, that she ate thereof with great gusto, and that + she drank with similar eagerness of the various strong liquors at table. + “We Irish ladies are all fond of a leetle glass of punch,” she said, with + a playful air, and Dennis mixed her a powerful tumbler of such violent + grog as I myself could swallow only with some difficulty. She talked of + her suffering a great deal, of her sacrifices, of the luxuries to which + she had been accustomed before marriage,—in a word, of a hundred of + those themes on which some ladies are in the custom of enlarging when they + wish to plague some husbands. + </p> + <p> + But honest Dennis, far from being angry at this perpetual, wearisome, + impudent recurrence to her own superiority, rather encouraged the + conversation than otherwise. It pleased him to hear his wife discourse + about her merits and family splendours. He was so thoroughly beaten down + and henpecked, that he, as it were, gloried in his servitude, and fancied + that his wife's magnificence reflected credit on himself. He looked + towards me, who was half sick of the woman and her egotism, as if + expecting me to exhibit the deepest sympathy, and flung me glances across + the table as much as to say, “What a gifted creature my Jemima is, and + what a fine fellow I am to be in possession of her!” When the children + came down she scolded them, of course, and dismissed them abruptly (for + which circumstance, perhaps, the writer of these pages was not in his + heart very sorry), and, after having sat a preposterously long time, left + us, asking whether we would have coffee there or in her boudoir. + </p> + <p> + “Oh! here, of course,” said Dennis, with rather a troubled air, and in + about ten minutes the lovely creature was led back to us again by + “Edwards,” and the coffee made its appearance. After coffee her husband + begged her to let Mr. Fitz-Boodle hear her voice: “He longs for some of + his old favourites.” + </p> + <p> + “No! DO you?” said she; and was led in triumph to the jingling old piano, + and with a screechy wiry voice, sang those very abominable old ditties + which I had heard her sing at Leamington ten years back. + </p> + <p> + Haggarty, as she sang, flung himself back in the chair delighted. Husbands + always are, and with the same song, one that they have heard when they + were nineteen years old probably; most Englishmen's tunes have that date, + and it is rather affecting, I think, to hear an old gentleman of sixty or + seventy quavering the old ditty that was fresh when HE was fresh and in + his prime. If he has a musical wife, depend on it he thinks her old songs + of 1788 are better than any he has heard since: in fact he has heard NONE + since. When the old couple are in high good-humour the old gentleman will + take the old lady round the waist, and say, “My dear, do sing me one of + your own songs,” and she sits down and sings with her old voice, and, as + she sings, the roses of her youth bloom again for a moment. Ranelagh + resuscitates, and she is dancing a minuet in powder and a train. + </p> + <p> + This is another digression. It was occasioned by looking at poor Dennis's + face while his wife was screeching (and, believe me, the former was the + more pleasant occupation). Bottom tickled by the fairies could not have + been in greater ecstasies. He thought the music was divine; and had + further reason for exulting in it, which was, that his wife was always in + a good humour after singing, and never would sing but in that happy frame + of mind. Dennis had hinted so much in our little colloquy during the ten + minutes of his lady's absence in the “boudoir;” so, at the conclusion of + each piece, we shouted “Bravo!” and clapped our hands like mad. + </p> + <p> + Such was my insight into the life of Surgeon Dionysius Haggarty and his + wife; and I must have come upon him at a favourable moment too, for poor + Dennis has spoken, subsequently, of our delightful evening at Kingstown, + and evidently thinks to this day that his friend was fascinated by the + entertainment there. His inward economy was as follows: he had his + half-pay, a thousand pounds, about a hundred a year that his father left, + and his wife had sixty pounds a year from the mother; which the mother, of + course, never paid. He had no practice, for he was absorbed in attention + to his Jemima and the children, whom he used to wash, to dress, to carry + out, to walk, or to ride, as we have seen, and who could not have a + servant, as their dear blind mother could never be left alone. Mrs. + Haggarty, a great invalid, used to lie in bed till one, and have breakfast + and hot luncheon there. A fifth part of his income was spent in having her + wheeled about in a chair, by which it was his duty to walk daily for an + allotted number of hours. Dinner would ensue, and the amateur clergy, who + abound in Ireland, and of whom Mrs. Haggarty was a great admirer, lauded + her everywhere as a model of resignation and virtue, and praised beyond + measure the admirable piety with which she bore her sufferings. + </p> + <p> + Well, every man to his taste. It did not certainly appear to me that SHE + was the martyr of the family. + </p> + <p> + “The circumstances of my marriage with Jemima,” Dennis said to me, in some + after conversations we had on this interesting subject, “were the most + romantic and touching you can conceive. You saw what an impression the + dear girl had made upon me when we were at Weedon; for from the first day + I set eyes on her, and heard her sing her delightful song of 'Dark-eyed + Maiden of Araby,' I felt, and said to Turniquet of ours, that very night, + that SHE was the dark-eyed maid of Araby for ME—not that she was, + you know, for she was born in Shropshire. But I felt that I had seen the + woman who was to make me happy or miserable for life. You know how I + proposed for her at Kenilworth, and how I was rejected, and how I almost + shot myself in consequence—no, you don't know that, for I said + nothing about it to anyone, but I can tell you it was a very near thing; + and a very lucky thing for me I didn't do it: for,—would you believe + it?—the dear girl was in love with me all the time.” + </p> + <p> + “Was she really?” said I, who recollected that Miss Gam's love of those + days showed itself in a very singular manner; but the fact is, when women + are most in love they most disguise it. + </p> + <p> + “Over head and ears in love with poor Dennis,” resumed that worthy fellow, + “who'd ever have thought it? But I have it from the best authority, from + her own mother, with whom I'm not over and above good friends now; but of + this fact she assured me, and I'll tell you when and how. + </p> + <p> + “We were quartered at Cork three years after we were at Weedon, and it was + our last year at home; and a great mercy that my dear girl spoke in time, + or where should we have been now? Well, one day, marching home from + parade, I saw a lady seated at an open window, by another who seemed an + invalid, and the lady at the window, who was dressed in the profoundest + mourning, cried out, with a scream, 'Gracious, heavens! it's Mr. Haggarty + of the 120th.' + </p> + <p> + “'Sure I know that voice,' says I to Whiskerton. + </p> + <p> + “'It's a great mercy you don't know it a deal too well,' says he: 'it's + Lady Gammon. She's on some husband-hunting scheme, depend on it, for that + daughter of hers. She was at Bath last year on the same errand, and at + Cheltenham the year before, where, Heaven bless you! she's as well known + as the “Hen and Chickens.”' + </p> + <p> + “'I'll thank you not to speak disrespectfully of Miss Jemima Gam,' said I + to Whiskerton; 'she's of one of the first families in Ireland, and whoever + says a word against a woman I once proposed for, insults me,—do you + understand?' + </p> + <p> + “'Well, marry her, if you like,' says Whiskerton, quite peevish: 'marry + her, and be hanged!' + </p> + <p> + “Marry her! the very idea of it set my brain a-whirling, and made me a + thousand times more mad than I am by nature. + </p> + <p> + “You may be sure I walked up the hill to the parade-ground that afternoon, + and with a beating heart too. I came to the widow's house. It was called + 'New Molloyville,' as this is. Wherever she takes a house for six months + she calls it 'New Molloyville;' and has had one in Mallow, in Bandon, in + Sligo, in Castlebar, in Fermoy, in Drogheda, and the deuce knows where + besides: but the blinds were down, and though I thought I saw somebody + behind 'em, no notice was taken of poor Denny Haggarty, and I paced up and + down all mess-time in hopes of catching a glimpse of Jemima, but in vain. + The next day I was on the ground again; I was just as much in love as + ever, that's the fact. I'd never been in that way before, look you; and + when once caught, I knew it was for life. + </p> + <p> + “There's no use in telling you how long I beat about the bush, but when I + DID get admittance to the house (it was through the means of young + Castlereagh Molloy, whom you may remember at Leamington, and who was at + Cork for the regatta, and used to dine at our mess, and had taken a mighty + fancy to me)—when I DID get into the house, I say, I rushed in + medias res at once; I couldn't keep myself quiet, my heart was too full. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, Fitz! I shall never forget the day,—the moment I was + inthrojuiced into the dthrawing-room” (as he began to be agitated, + Dennis's brogue broke out with greater richness than ever; but though a + stranger may catch, and repeat from memory, a few words, it is next to + impossible for him to KEEP UP A CONVERSATION in Irish, so that we had best + give up all attempts to imitate Dennis). “When I saw old mother Gam,” said + he, “my feelings overcame me all at once. I rowled down on the ground, + sir, as if I'd been hit by a musket-ball. 'Dearest madam,' says I, 'I'll + die if you don't give me Jemima.' + </p> + <p> + “'Heavens, Mr. Haggarty!' says she, 'how you seize me with surprise! + Castlereagh, my dear nephew, had you not better leave us?' and away he + went, lighting a cigar, and leaving me still on the floor. + </p> + <p> + “'Rise, Mr. Haggarty,' continued the widow. 'I will not attempt to deny + that this constancy towards my daughter is extremely affecting, however + sudden your present appeal may be. I will not attempt to deny that, + perhaps, Jemima may have a similar feeling; but, as I said, I never could + give my daughter to a Catholic.' + </p> + <p> + “'I'm as good a Protestant as yourself, ma'am,' says I; 'my mother was an + heiress, and we were all brought up her way.' + </p> + <p> + “'That makes the matter very different,' says she, turning up the whites + of her eyes. 'How could I ever have reconciled it to my conscience to see + my blessed child married to a Papist? How could I ever have taken him to + Molloyville? Well, this obstacle being removed, <i>I</i> must put myself + no longer in the way between two young people. <i>I</i> must sacrifice + myself; as I always have when my darling girl was in question. YOU shall + see her, the poor dear lovely gentle sufferer, and learn your fate from + her own lips.' + </p> + <p> + “'The sufferer, ma'am,' says I; 'has Miss Gam been ill?' + </p> + <p> + “'What! haven't you heard?' cried the widow. 'Haven't you heard of the + dreadful illness which so nearly carried her from me? For nine weeks, Mr. + Haggarty, I watched her day and night, without taking a wink of sleep,—for + nine weeks she lay trembling between death and life; and I paid the doctor + eighty-three guineas. She is restored now; but she is the wreck of the + beautiful creature she was. Suffering, and, perhaps, ANOTHER + DISAPPOINTMENT—but we won't mention that NOW—have so pulled + her down. But I will leave you, and prepare my sweet girl for this + strange, this entirely unexpected visit.' + </p> + <p> + “I won't tell you what took place between me and Jemima, to whom I was + introduced as she sat in the darkened room, poor sufferer! nor describe to + you with what a thrill of joy I seized (after groping about for it) her + poor emaciated hand. She did not withdraw it; I came out of that room an + engaged man, sir; and NOW I was enabled to show her that I had always + loved her sincerely, for there was my will, made three years back, in her + favour: that night she refused me, as I told ye. I would have shot myself, + but they'd have brought me in non compos; and my brother Mick would have + contested the will, and so I determined to live, in order that she might + benefit by my dying. I had but a thousand pounds then: since that my + father has left me two more. I willed every shilling to her, as you may + fancy, and settled it upon her when we married, as we did soon after. It + was not for some time that I was allowed to see the poor girl's face, or, + indeed, was aware of the horrid loss she had sustained. Fancy my agony, my + dear fellow, when I saw that beautiful wreck!” + </p> + <p> + There was something not a little affecting to think, in the conduct of + this brave fellow, that he never once, as he told his story, seemed to + allude to the possibility of his declining to marry a woman who was not + the same as the woman he loved; but that he was quite as faithful to her + now, as he had been when captivated by the poor tawdry charms of the silly + Miss of Leamington. It was hard that such a noble heart as this should be + flung away upon yonder foul mass of greedy vanity. Was it hard, or not, + that he should remain deceived in his obstinate humility, and continue to + admire the selfish silly being whom he had chosen to worship? + </p> + <p> + “I should have been appointed surgeon of the regiment,” continued Dennis, + “soon after, when it was ordered abroad to Jamaica, where it now is. But + my wife would not hear of going, and said she would break her heart if she + left her mother. So I retired on half-pay, and took this cottage; and in + case any practice should fall in my way—why, there is my name on the + brass plate, and I'm ready for anything that comes. But the only case that + ever DID come was one day when I was driving my wife in the chaise; and + another, one night, of a beggar with a broken head. My wife makes me a + present of a baby every year, and we've no debts; and between you and me + and the post, as long as my mother-in-law is out of the house, I'm as + happy as I need be.” + </p> + <p> + “What! you and the old lady don't get on well?” said I. + </p> + <p> + “I can't say we do; it's not in nature, you know,” said Dennis, with a + faint grin. “She comes into the house, and turns it topsy-turvy. When + she's here I'm obliged to sleep in the scullery. She's never paid her + daughter's income since the first year, though she brags about her + sacrifices as if she had ruined herself for Jemima; and besides, when + she's here, there's a whole clan of the Molloys, horse, foot, and + dragoons, that are quartered upon us, and eat me out of house and home.” + </p> + <p> + “And is Molloyville such a fine place as the widow described it?” asked I, + laughing, and not a little curious. + </p> + <p> + “Oh, a mighty fine place entirely!” said Dennis. “There's the oak park of + two hundred acres, the finest land ye ever saw, only they've cut all the + wood down. The garden in the old Molloys' time, they say, was the finest + ever seen in the West of Ireland; but they've taken all the glass to mend + the house windows: and small blame to them either. There's a clear + rent-roll of thirty-five hundred a year, only it's in the hand of + receivers; besides other debts, for which there is no land security.” + </p> + <p> + “Your cousin-in-law, Castlereagh Molloy, won't come into a large fortune?” + </p> + <p> + “Oh, he'll do very well,” said Dennis. “As long as he can get credit, he's + not the fellow to stint himself. Faith, I was fool enough to put my name + to a bit of paper for him, and as they could not catch him in Mayo, they + laid hold of me at Kingstown here. And there was a pretty to do. Didn't + Mrs. Gam say I was ruining her family, that's all? I paid it by + instalments (for all my money is settled on Jemima); and Castlereagh, + who's an honourable fellow, offered me any satisfaction in life. Anyhow, + he couldn't do more than THAT.” + </p> + <p> + “Of course not: and now you're friends?” + </p> + <p> + “Yes, and he and his aunt have had a tiff, too; and he abuses her + properly, I warrant ye. He says that she carried about Jemima from place + to place, and flung her at the head of every unmarried man in England + a'most—my poor Jemima, and she all the while dying in love with me! + As soon as she got over the small-pox—she took it at Fermoy—God + bless her, I wish I'd been by to be her nurse-tender—as soon as she + was rid of it, the old lady said to Castlereagh, 'Castlereagh, go to the + bar'cks, and find out in the Army List where the 120th is.' Off she came + to Cork hot foot. It appears that while she was ill, Jemima's love for me + showed itself in such a violent way that her mother was overcome, and + promised that, should the dear child recover, she would try and bring us + together. Castlereagh says she would have gone after us to Jamaica.” + </p> + <p> + “I have no doubt she would,” said I. + </p> + <p> + “Could you have a stronger proof of love than that?” cried Dennis. “My + dear girl's illness and frightful blindness have, of course, injured her + health and her temper. She cannot in her position look to the children, + you know, and so they come under my charge for the most part; and her + temper is unequal, certainly. But you see what a sensitive, refined, + elegant creature she is, and may fancy that she's often put out by a rough + fellow like me.” + </p> + <p> + Here Dennis left me, saying it was time to go and walk out the children; + and I think his story has matter of some wholesome reflection in it for + bachelors who are about to change their condition, or may console some who + are mourning their celibacy. Marry, gentlemen, if you like; leave your + comfortable dinner at the club for cold-mutton and curl-papers at your + home; give up your books or pleasures, and take to yourselves wives and + children; but think well on what you do first, as I have no doubt you will + after this advice and example. Advice is always useful in matters of love; + men always take it; they always follow other people's opinions, not their + own: they always profit by example. When they see a pretty woman, and feel + the delicious madness of love coming over them, they always stop to + calculate her temper, her money, their own money, or suitableness for the + married life.... Ha, ha, ha! Let us fool in this way no more. I have been + in love forty-three times with all ranks and conditions of women, and + would have married every time if they would have let me. How many wives + had King Solomon, the wisest of men? And is not that story a warning to us + that Love is master of the wisest? It is only fools who defy him. + </p> + <p> + I must come, however, to the last, and perhaps the saddest, part of poor + Denny Haggarty's history. I met him once more, and in such a condition as + made me determine to write this history. + </p> + <p> + In the month of June last I happened to be at Richmond, a delightful + little place of retreat; and there, sunning himself upon the terrace, was + my old friend of the 120th: he looked older, thinner, poorer, and more + wretched than I had ever seen him. “What! you have given up Kingstown?” + said I, shaking him by the hand. + </p> + <p> + “Yes,” says he. + </p> + <p> + “And is my lady and your family here at Richmond?” + </p> + <p> + “No,” says he, with a sad shake of the head; and the poor fellow's hollow + eyes filled with tears. + </p> + <p> + “Good heavens, Denny! what's the matter?” said I. He was squeezing my hand + like a vice as I spoke. + </p> + <p> + “They've LEFT me!” he burst out with a dreadful shout of passionate grief—a + horrible scream which seemed to be wrenched out of his heart. “Left me!” + said he, sinking down on a seat, and clenching his great fists, and + shaking his lean arms wildly. “I'm a wise man now, Mr. Fitz-Boodle. Jemima + has gone away from me, and yet you know how I loved her, and how happy we + were! I've got nobody now; but I'll die soon, that's one comfort: and to + think it's she that'll kill me after all!” + </p> + <p> + The story, which he told with a wild and furious lamentation such as is + not known among men of our cooler country, and such as I don't like now to + recall, was a very simple one. The mother-in-law had taken possession of + the house, and had driven him from it. His property at his marriage was + settled on his wife. She had never loved him, and told him this secret at + last, and drove him out of doors with her selfish scorn and ill-temper. + The boy had died; the girls were better, he said, brought up among the + Molloys than they could be with him; and so he was quite alone in the + world, and was living, or rather dying, on forty pounds a year. + </p> + <p> + His troubles are very likely over by this time. The two fools who caused + his misery will never read this history of him; THEY never read godless + stories in magazines: and I wish, honest reader, that you and I went to + church as much as they do. These people are not wicked BECAUSE of their + religious observances, but IN SPITE of them. They are too dull to + understand humility, too blind to see a tender and simple heart under a + rough ungainly bosom. They are sure that all their conduct towards my poor + friend here has been perfectly righteous, and that they have given proofs + of the most Christian virtue. Haggarty's wife is considered by her friends + as a martyr to a savage husband, and her mother is the angel that has come + to rescue her. All they did was to cheat him and desert him. And safe in + that wonderful self-complacency with which the fools of this earth are + endowed, they have not a single pang of conscience for their villany + towards him, consider their heartlessness as a proof and consequence of + their spotless piety and virtue. + </p> + <p> + <a name="link2H_FOOT" id="link2H_FOOT"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + FOOTNOTES + </h2> + <p> + <a name="linknote-1" id="linknote-1"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 1 (<a href="#linknoteref-1">return</a>)<br /> [ The words of this song are + copyright, nor will the copyright be sold for less than + twopence-halfpenny.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-2" id="linknote-2"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 2 (<a href="#linknoteref-2">return</a>)<br /> [ A French proverbe furnished + the author with the notion of the rivalry between the Barber and the + Tailor.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-3" id="linknote-3"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 3 (<a href="#linknoteref-3">return</a>)<br /> [ As it is very probable that + many fair readers may not approve of the extremely forcible language in + which the combat is depicted, I beg them to skip it and pass on to the + next chapter, and to remember that it has been modelled on the style of + the very best writers of the sporting papers.] + </p> + <p> + <a name="linknote-4" id="linknote-4"> + <!-- Note --></a> + </p> + <p class="foot"> + 4 (<a href="#linknoteref-4">return</a>)<br /> [ Every person who has lived + abroad can, of course, point out a score of honourable exceptions to the + case above hinted at, and knows many such unions in which it is the + Frenchman who honours the English lady by marrying her. But it must be + remembered that marrying in France means commonly fortune-hunting: and as + for the respect in which marriage is held in France, let all the French + novels in M. Rolandi's library be perused by those who wish to come to a + decision upon the question.] + </p> + <p> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </p> +<pre xml:space="preserve"> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Men's Wives, by William Makepeace Thackeray + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MEN'S WIVES *** + +***** This file should be named 1985-h.htm or 1985-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/8/1985/ + +Produced by Les Bowler, and David Widger + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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