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diff --git a/19382-8.txt b/19382-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac847ec --- /dev/null +++ b/19382-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2357 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +October 13, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, October 13, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 26, 2006 [EBook #19382] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Stephanie Maschek, Jonathan Ingram and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +PUNCH, + +OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +OCTOBER 13, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + +Mr. RIAZANOV, the successor to KAMENEFF, is now residing in Grosvenor +Street. Several readers have written to ask us how his name is +pronounced. Wrongly, we believe, in nine cases out of ten. + + * * * + +We have been given to understand that that versatile pair, the TWO +BOBS, are contemplating a tour of the music-halls in the mining +district, where they are sure to be given a rousing reception. + + * * * + +According to _The Evening News_ two miners recently played a quoit +match for a hundred pounds. In all probability they are now agitating +for the two shillings' increase to enable them to have a little side +bet. + + * * * + +"We cannot choose how we will be born," says a medical writer. No; +some are born poor and others are born into a miner's family. + + * * * + +"Where stands England to-day?" we are asked. While travelling in the +Tube we have often thought that most of it was standing on our feet. + + * * * + +"With the outgoing of September we face once more the month of +October, with its falling leaves and autumn gales," states a writer in +a daily paper. This, we understand, is according to precedent. + + * * * + +A Glamorgan collier, summoned for income-tax, stated that he earned +eleven pounds a week and wanted every penny of it. It is said that he +is saving up to buy a strike of his own. + + * * * + +A live frog is reported to have been found in a coal seam at a +Monmouthshire colliery. It seems to have been greatly concerned at +having missed the previous strike ballot. + + * * * + +With reference to Mr. SPENDER'S interview with Mr. LLOYD GEORGE +we regret that no mention is made of the exact date when the PRIME +MINISTER will declare the New World open. + + * * * + +Since it has been so well advertised we understand that the banned +poster, "The Unknown," is shortly to be renamed "The Very Well Known." + + * * * + +The EX-KAISER is reported to have made his will. He has bequeathed his +trial to his youngest grandson. + + * * * + +It is proposed to make Poole a first-class port, at a cost of +£3,750,000. We cannot help thinking that hidden away in some +Government office is a man who could do it at treble the cost. + + * * * + +A London firm of pastrycooks have purchased two obsolete tanks from +the Disposal Boards. They are said to make excellent utensils for +flattening pancakes. + + * * * + +A dainty little invention has just been tried by the Bolshevists, +which consists of a method whereby boiling water from the ship's +boiler can be pumped on to sailors who do not obey their officers. +It is said to be just the thing to keep their minds off the idea of +mutiny. + + * * * + +"I have all the qualifications for a post in some Government office," +writes an Unemployed Ex-Soldier in a contemporary. It is to be hoped +that this drawback will be overlooked if his other disqualifications +are satisfactory. + + * * * + +Washable hats for boys is one of the new inventions at the Leather and +Shoe Trade Exhibition. Small boys are now going about in fear that the +next discovery will be a washable neck. + + * * * + +Six bandits entered the Central Café, New York, the other day and took +one thousand pounds from the diners. The ease with which they did it +suggests that they were mistaken for waiters. + + * * * + +A plumber in Aberdeen is giving lessons to a women's class in +knitting. It is said that his treatise on How to Crochet a Burst +Bath-Pipe is likely to become a standard work. + + * * * + +In taking away a safe containing six thousand pounds from a Fenchurch +Street office, burglars broke down a door with a thick glass panel. +The profession is of the opinion that the blame for this lies with the +firm. They had locked the door. + + * * * + +_The Daily Chronicle_ informs us that a New York couple who were +engaged in 1868 have just been married. But surely the wonder is that +they were not married long before. + + * * * + +A woman has told the medical officer of Burnham that rats so like the +poison being used that they come out of their holes for it while it is +being put down. We always make our rats stand up and beg for it. + + * * * + +A domestic servant was recently blown out of her mistress's house +through the too liberal use of paraffin whilst lighting fires. +Luckily, however, it was her day out, so no complications ensued. + + * * * + +On being asked his recipe for keeping young, a well-known physician +refused to reply. In view of the increasing number of precocious +authors, the question again arises, "Should a doctor tell?" + + * * * + +_The Daily Express_ states that there is "very little demand for +champagne to-day." We fancy this is due to the fact that a number of +people are saving up to buy coffee at Messrs. LYONS'. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE MORNING TOILET. + +"OH, LOOK, MUMMY! THERE'S WILFRED DOING HIS HAIR FROM MEMORY."] + + * * * * * + +"THE PASSIONATE SPECTATOR." + +We are asked to say that the above title of a book written by Miss +JANE BURR and published by Messrs. DUCKWORTH (it is described on the +wrapper as "an entirely unconventional novel founded on original and +ultra-modern views concerning life and marriage") has nothing to do +with our respected contemporary. + + * * * * * + + "GOVERNMENT'S STRIKING ATTITUDE. WAITING TILL THE CAR JUMBS?" + + _Nigerian Pioneer_. + +Personally we always try to get out when this seems to be imminent. + + * * * * * + +TO OUR PLAY-MAKERS. + + [_The Daisy_ and _The Crossing_, which both dealt with the + life after death, have come to an untimely end; and, in + deference to public feeling, the heroine of _Every Woman's + Privilege_ has been furnished with a fresh _fiancé_.] + + When in my stall at eve I sit + (And these remarks would still apply, + Perhaps with greater force, were I + Accommodated in the Pit)-- + Worn with the long day's dusty strife, + I ask a brief surcease of gloom; + I want a mirror held to life, + But not the life beyond the tomb. + + The views of parties who have "crossed" + (Meaning to Jordan's further shore), + Those, as they say, who've "gone before," + But not (unhappily) been "lost"-- + They make me ill; they decompose + My vital essence at its fount + (Excepting BARRIE'S _Mary Rose_, + But then, of course, he doesn't count). + + Give me the life that quick men lead, + Of which I know the hopes and fears + Better than those of shadier spheres; + And, if at first you don't succeed, + If you should hear the critics croak, + "As to your heroine's choice, you err," + Just hand her to the other bloke-- + That's what they did with MARIE LÖHR. + + So shall creative art suggest + A world where people may revise + Their silly past, and realise + Those second thoughts which are the best; + Where, having seen the larger light, + A perfect liberty to hedge + And swap the wrong man for the right + Is "Every Woman's Privilege." + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +YET ONE MORE PLAN FOR IRELAND. + +Feeling rather lonely because almost everybody had entered for the +great Irish Problem Competition in the morning and evening press +except myself, I sat down and wrote the following solution, which +I posted immediately to the Editors of _The Times_ and of _The +Westminster Gazette_:-- + +"SIR"--I began indignantly, for I noticed all the best competitors +begin like that. In these Bolshevistic days I should have preferred of +course to have started off with "Comrade" or "Brother," or even, since +I was writing from the heart of the country, have opened with +"Eh bor," as people do in dialect novels, but, fearing I might be +disqualified, I began, as I say, "Sir," and went on, much as the other +statesmen did:-- + +"In all the lengthy annals of this Government, vacillation between +weakness and tyranny has never proved so disastrous as it is proving +in Ireland to-day, and the conduct of that unhappy country's affairs +is now plunged in a chaos so profoundly chaotic that it has become a +gross misuse of language to call them affairs at all. Out of all this +welter and confusion two salient facts are seen to emerge:-- + +"(1) No two Englishmen are agreed upon a settlement that will at the +same time satisfy the just aspirations of Ireland and preserve the +integrity of the British Empire. + +"(2) No two Irishmen are either. + +"At the same time the number of sane and carefully considered plans +for the government of Ireland was never so great as it is to-day. When +will our incompetent Cabinet perceive that the only way of warding +off the stain of perfidy which dogs their footsteps and threatens to +overwhelm them is to make use of all these plans? I put aside for the +moment the most violent proposals of the extremists on either side, +such as that of the annexation of England by the Sinn Fein Empire and +that of the deportation of all Irishmen to the Andaman Islands and the +re-colonisation of the country with correspondents to the daily press; +but between these two extremes there surely lie innumerable solutions +which both can and ought to be employed. I will only name here a few +of them:-- + + ASQUITH autonomy. + Dominion Home Rule. + DUNRAVEN autonomy. + GREY autonomy. + Red autonomy. + Government by Dhail Eireann. + Government by Dhail Ymaill. + Administration by the L.C.C. + Clan warfare. + +"And there are infinite shades and variations of all these. + +"Every one of the policies I have named, and as many more as possible, +should now be adopted at once, one after the other, I suggest, for +quarterly periods and in alphabetical order. + +"But let there be no mistake. They must be strictly enforced. It must +be impossible for Irishmen to come to England in the future and say +to her, as they have so often said in the past, 'You made us promises +which, when we leant on them, proved a broken reed and turned to dust +and ashes in our mouths.' + +"One of the bitterest reproaches that is hurled, and hurled justly, at +British maladministration is that through all the seeming variations +of misgovernment there has been in fact no change. Dublin Castle +remains where it did. This must be altered at once. _The site of +Dublin Castle must be moved every three months._ There must be +infinite change, and it must be infinitely thorough and infinitely +systematic, so that, side by side with the continuous grievances of +all dissatisfied parties, will be the certain assurance that those +grievances will in strict rotation be remedied. + +"The objection will, of course, be raised that these continual changes +of government will involve a certain amount of disorder; that one +system will scarcely be working before it is superseded by another; +that the rapid alterations in the _personnel_ of the judicature, civil +service and police will be inconvenient; that everything, in fact, +will be in a muddle. But by how much is not well-organised muddle to +be preferred to unsystematic anarchy? And as each type of government +recurs in due course will it not be found to work more simply and +satisfactorily? + +"To those who shrug their shoulders and say that a series of +kaleidoscopic changes in Irish administration would never be approved +by the good sense of the British electorate I can only urge that it is +precisely this attitude of intolerance towards and ignorance of Irish +psychology which has rendered our behaviour to Ireland for so many +centuries a by-word not only throughout Europe but the whole civilised +world and the United States of America. + +"I am, Sir, yours, etc." + +Through some accident or other, either because I have not followed +exactly the prescribed rules of the competition, such as writing on +one side of the paper only, or addressing it from the National Liberal +Club, or obtaining the signature of five witnesses, my solution +has not yet appeared in _The Times_ or in _The Westminster Gazette_ +either. Feeling it a pity, however, that any helpful suggestion should +be lost at a time when never in the annals of Irish misgovernment +has vacillation vacillated so vacillatingly as it does to-day, I have +repeated my strong but simple proposals here. + +K. + + * * * * * + + "Clever forgeries of Fisher notes are in circulation in St. + Pancras. + + Last night, during the busy period, a number of publications + in the Kentish Town district were victimised."--_Evening + Paper_. + +We had no idea that Kentish Town was such a literary centre. + + * * * * * + + "Even Paris seems willing this season to add a few inches to + the length of skirts, and six to eight inches is becoming the + accepted length for street wear. This is an excellent length, + not so long as to endanger the chic of the costume, nor + so short as to be unbecoming in either sense of the + word."--_Fashion Paper_. + +We refrain from any speculations as to the previous length of these +skirts before the "few inches" were added. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POLISH HUG. + +BOLSHEVIST. "YOUR ATTITUDE CONVINCES ME, KAMERAD, THAT WE WERE MEANT +TO BE FRIENDS."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Willium_ (_having at critical stage in four-handed +game undertaken to spot the red_). "'TIS ALL OVER, GEARGE--MY HAND BE +STUCK IN THE POCKUT."] + + * * * * * + +ELIZABETH OUTWITTED. + +"An' when I dies they give me fifteen pounds on the nail an' no +waitin'," said Elizabeth triumphantly, as she explained her latest +insurance scheme. + +"On what nail?" I asked distrustfully. I could not understand why +Elizabeth felt justified in paying sixpence per week for a benefit +fraught with so little ultimate joy to herself. But she is the sort of +girl that can never resist the back-door tout. She is constantly being +persuaded to buy something for which she pays a small weekly sum. +This is entered in a book, and the only conditions are that she must +continue paying that sum for the rest of her natural lifetime. + +On these lines Elizabeth has "put in" for many articles in the course +of her chequered career. She has had fleeting possession of a steel +engraving of QUEEN VICTORIA, a watch that never would go--until her +payments ceased--a sewing-machine (treadle), a set of vases and a +marble timepiece. The timepiece, she explained, was destined for "the +bottom drawer," which she had begun to furnish from the moment a young +man first inquired which was her night out. + +As all these things were taken from her directly her payments fell +off, I thought I had better give her the benefit of my ripe judgment. +"I shouldn't buy anything on the instalment plan, if I were you," I +advised. "Some people seem to be made for the system, but you are not +one of them." + +"But I 'aven't told you wot I'm buyin' now," she said excitedly, +putting a plate on the rack as she spoke. I ought to say she meant to +put it on the rack; that it fell two inches short wasn't Elizabeth's +fault. + +"It was cracked afore," she murmured mechanically as she gathered +up the fragments. "Yes, I pays a shillin' a week an' I gets a +grammerfone." + +"A what?" I gasped. + +"A grammerfone--to play, you know." + +"Where will it play?" I asked feebly. + +"'Ere," she said, waving a comprehensive hand; "an' it won't 'arf +liven the place up. My friend 'as 'ers goin' all day long." + +I stifled a moan of horror, for I am one of the elect few who loathe +gramophones, even at their best and costliest. + +"Elizabeth," I cried, tears of anguish rising to my eyes, "let me +implore you not to get one of those horr--I mean, not to be imposed on +again." + +"I've got it," she announced. "I meantersay I've paid the first +shillin' an' it's comin' to-morrow. I 'ave it a month on trial." + +The month certainly was a trial--for me. Ours is not one of those +old-fashioned residences with thick walls that muffle sound, and where +servants can be consigned to dwell in the bowels of the earth. Every +noise which arises in the kitchen, from Elizabeth's badinage with +the butcher's boy to the raucous grind of the knife-machine, echoes +through the house _viâ_ the study where I work. + +Thus, although Elizabeth kept the kitchen-door shut, I found myself +compelled for one-half of the day to consider an insistent demand as +to the ultimate destination of flies in the winter-time. The rest of +the day the gramophone gave us _K-K-K-Katie_. (Elizabeth had only two +records to begin with.) + +I became unnerved. My work suffered. It began to trickle back to me +accompanied by the regrets of editors; and to writers the regrets of +editors are the most poignant in the world. + +The situation was saved by the most up-to-date tout of the whole +back-door tribe. He persuaded Elizabeth to go in for Spiritualism. +Do not misunderstand me. You can be a Spiritualist and also keep a +gramophone, but, if you are Elizabeth, you cannot keep the two running +at the same time if you must pay a shilling per week for each. When +she sought my opinion I strongly advised the séances, which I +said were cheap at the price; indeed I thought they were when the +gramophone departed. + +It was now Elizabeth's turn to become unnerved. She has a mind that +is peculiarly open to impressions, and communion with the spirits +unbalanced her. She justified her expenditure of a shilling weekly by +placing the utmost faith in them. + +"I 'ad a message from them there spirits larst night," she informed me +one day, "an' they tell me I must change my 'abitation." + +"What do you mean?" I asked, startled. + +"I put a message through, arskin' them when I should get a settled +young man, an' they told me that the fates are agen me in my present +dwellin', so if you'll please take my notice from--" + +I will not go through the sickening formula. Every housewife must have +heard it several times at least in the past year or so. I accepted +Elizabeth's resignation and began to concentrate on newspaper +announcements. But I took an utter dislike to the spirits and listened +with cold aloofness when Elizabeth began, "I was talkin' to the spirit +of my young man larst night--" + +"I didn't know you had the spirit of any young man," I interrupted. + +"Yes, I 'ave. I mean Ned Akroyd, 'oo was drownded." + +Now I have never believed in the alleged drowning of the said Ned. +The news--conveyed to Elizabeth by his mate--that he had fallen from +a ferry-boat near Eel Pie Island seemed unconvincing, especially as it +happened shortly after Elizabeth had lent him fifteen-and-six. + +"I 'ad quite a long talk with 'im," she went on. "Next time I'm goin' +to arst 'im about the fifteen-and-six 'e borrowed, an' see if I can't +get it back some'ow." + +How the spirit would have considered this proposition is still +uncertain, for Elizabeth never returned to the séances. She came to me +one day in a state of violent agitation. "I see Ned Akroyd when I was +out larst night," she began, "an' would you believe it, 'e's no more +dead than I am, the wretch!" + +"Well, aren't you glad?" I inquired. + +"Glad, an' 'im with another girl an' pretendin' all the time not to +see me! Men are 'ounds, that's what they are. An' I'll go to no more +seeonces. They're a swindle." + +"They were wrong about telling you to change your habitation too, +weren't they?" I suggested insinuatingly. + +"Course they were." Suddenly her face brightened. "I'll be able to +'ave the grammerfone back now," she said. + + * * * * * + +At the moment I am writing to the sounds of _K-K-K-Katie_, which, I +fear, is giving me rather a syncopated style. But if the Editor is +k-k-k-kind he will not banish me from _P-P-P-Punch_ for this reason, +as anyone can see my intentions are g-g-g-good. + +Stay! _K-K-K-Katie_ has ceased and I can think lucidly. An inspiration +has come to me. Has not Elizabeth in her time wrought havoc among my +crockery? The hour is ripe for me to retaliate. + +To morrow at dawn I shall examine the gramophone records and--_they +will come in two in my hands_. + +It will be the first time I have broken any record. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wife_ (_to husband being bundled in as train moves +off_). "DID YE GET RETURN TICKETS?" + +_Husband_. "NOA (_puff_)--DIDN'T 'AVE TIME."] + + * * * * * + + "MISUSE OF RESEARCH GRANTS. + + By Professor ----, F.R.S." + + _Sunday Paper Poster_. + +We refuse to believe it. + + * * * * * + +THE CONSPIRATORS. + +III. + + +MY DEAR CHARLES,--Essential to that millennium which our restless +revolutionaries are after is your head on a charger and my head on a +charger; provided both heads are present it may be the same charger +for all they care. When you think of the importance which we of +the detested middle classes attach to our heads and the regrettable +violence we might exhibit towards whoever called at our houses to +collect them, then it seems to me you must confess to a sneaking +admiration for the bravery of the turbulent minority in attacking so +big a problem. + +But when you get the inside details of their schemes you find that +discretion is not only the better part but the whole of their valour. +For arms you find incendiary speeches; for ammunition, viperish +propaganda, and for epoch-making action you have nothing. In that +"nothing" lies their main ingenuity and strong hope. If they can +prevail on the masses to do nothing, at the right moment, and to go +on doing nothing till there is nothing left, then, say they, they will +have civilisation under; and if our heads don't fall off of their own +accord then a thousand willing hands will be stretched forward to pull +them off. + +You ask me how I know all this. Close the doors so that we cannot +be overheard, and I will tell you. I buy their continental +newspaper--"organ" they prefer to call it, being rather proud of the +noise--and there I read all that I want to know. It costs a halfpenny +a day, runs to six pages, is well printed and brightly composed and +contains no advertisements. There is generally a picture in thick +black lines in the centre of the first page. Blood being the easy +thing for the printer to "feature," the picture generally deals with +the cutting off of heads. If it refers to the past, you and I are +cutting off the worker's head, severing from a fine muscular body a +noble head with a halo to it. If it refers to the future, the worker +is having our heads off, severing from a fat and uncontrolled corpus a +most unpleasant excrescence in a very shiny top-hat. + +To run a daily newspaper of that "make-up," without advertisements and +for subscribers of whom the larger number, like myself, omit to pay +their half-penny, is not easy business. In fact it is not business at +all. The question being raised as to where the money came from, the +producers tried to allay our suspicion by making a great show of an +appeal for help. The published results, which I give you in their +English equivalent, were much as follows:-- + + +------------------------------------------------------+ + | £ s. d. | + | B. de M. 6 0 | + | Z. X. 5 0 | + | Idealist 5 0 | + | U. W. K. 5 0 | + | A Frenchman who is ashamed of France 4 6 | + | Young Communist 4 0 | + | Three young Communists 3 6 | + | "Great Britain" (collection) 3 3 | + | Disgusted 2 6 | + | Association of Women Fighters for Justice 2 3 | + | O. F. 1 0 | + | Down with Capital 9 | + | One Who will stick at Nothing 3 | + | ------------ | + | 2 3 0 | + | Previous lists 14 6 8-3/4 | + | ------------ | + | £16 9 8-3/4 | + +------------------------------------------------------+ + +The grand total of sixteen pounds, nine shillings and eight-pence +three-farthings shows a magnificent spirit, but wouldn't keep much +more than a couple of square inches of the front page alive for more +than one day. Reverting, then, to the more pressing question of the +removal of our heads, who is paying for the operation? + +He is a heavy-built octopus sort of man of about forty-seven; a red +cheery complexion, rather more fat than muscle, long grey hair tending +to curl at the extremes, and followed about by a lady who acts as his +secretary, calls him "Master" and adores the ground he walks on. They +are married, but not, I should hasten to add, to each other; none of +your dull orthodox practices for them. About his profile there is +an undeniable something which makes his head a suggestive model for +sculpture. It is framed in a large, white, soft silk collar, which +falls gracefully over the lapels of the coat and is, I am told, of a +mode much worn among the _élite_ of the anarchist and atheist world. + +I've a friend here in the law-and-order business who thought that, +having reported all the movements of this Master of the Black Arts, +he might find it worth while to make his acquaintance in the flesh. +Indirect enquiry elicited that the desire to get into touch was +reciprocated, the attentions of the police being insufficient to +satisfy his sense of importance. So the meeting was arranged, and I +was allowed to come along too. + +We were received in great state in a special suite of the local hotel +de luxe. The Lady Secretary was there, overflowing with "Masters" and +"Sirs," and obsessed by the fear that her idol might not do himself +justice in our presence. A very touching instance of human devotion: +the fifth instance in his case, I believe. + +This is the gentleman who finances the propaganda of destruction; we +asked him if that was not so, and he answered, "Why, of course." Had +we any fault to find with his protégé, the admirable halfpenny daily? +We had noticed that its news was punctual and exact. Then of what did +we complain? + +"Of a certain exaggeration in the leading articles," said I, rubbing +the back of my neck and wondering how long it would be there to rub +and I to rub it. + +"But what newspaper leaders are not exaggerated?" he asked. + +"Your editors should not be paid to twist everything into an +irritant," I protested. + +"Of which of your great English dailies is the editor not paid to +twist, as you put it?" he asked. + +I knew that I had right on my side and he had not. But still somehow I +seemed to be in the wrong all the way. + +So my friend took the matter in hand. He didn't argue. He just drew +his chair up to the Master's and asked him to tell us all about +himself, how he came by his great ideals, what was the future of the +world as he foresaw it and how he meant to arrange the universe when +at length he took over? + +The Master, gently smiling his appreciation of this recognition of his +Ego, gave voice. + +To the lady it was all, of course, above criticism: sublime, adorable. +To me the frankness of it and the impudence of it was, I confess, +amusing. + + The world is out of joint; how good 'twill be + When Heaven is sacked and leaves the job to me! + +An agreeable, if wrong-headed, crank, was my summary. + +And this or something like it was my friend's:--"b. U.S.A. of Eng. +parents, 9.5.78; tinned meat business, Chicago; 6 months' h.l. for +frauds in connection with packing; went to Mexico, but left to avoid +prosecution for similar frauds on larger scale; prison in Belgium, +France and England in connection with illegal dealings in rifles +(? for Germany); apparently liable to more prison in U.S.A. for crime +unknown, if returns there; won't say where he gets his money from, but +doesn't seriously pretend it is his own." + +And when I came to go back over the Master's two hours' chat about +himself, those are about the facts it all boiled down to. + + Yours ever, HENRY. + +(_To be continued._) + + * * * * * + + "£40.--Handsome Black Silk Golf Goat (large size)."--_Irish Paper_. + +The very thing for the butting-green. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: NIL DESPERANDUM. + +_The Amateur Championship_. MR. POTT-HUNTER, WHO FAILED TO SURVIVE THE +FIRST ROUND. + +_The East of France Championship_. MR. POTT-HUNTER IN FATAL +DIFFICULTIES IN THE SECOND ROUND. + +_The Championship of Central Switzerland_. MR. POTT-HUNTER, DEFEATED +IN THE THIRD ROUND. + +_The Sicilian Championship_. MR. POTT-HUNTER, WHO REACHED THE FOURTH +ROUND. + +_The Championship of Mozambique_. MR. POTT-HUNTER, A FIFTH ROUND +VICTIM. + +_The Spitzbergen Championship_. MR. POTT-HUNTER, ONE OF THE +SEMI-FINALISTS. + +_The Championship of Upper Senegal_. MR. POTT-HUNTER, BEATEN IN THE +FINAL BY MR. HUNT-POTT. + +_The Tierra del Fuego Championship_. THE WINNER, MR. POTT-HUNTER.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "NEVER YOU MIND IF 'E DID SAY YOU'D GOT A NECK LIKE A +CAMEL. 'TAIN'T NEARLY AS LONG AS ALL THAT."] + + * * * * * + +THE KORBAN BATH. + +[_Korban_--"It is a gift"--Hebrew (or some such language).] + +With some reluctance I return to the subject of baths. I went into +the matter of bathrooms pretty carefully a few months ago, but since +I have been in this hotel I see that there are one or two aspects of +hotel bathing which still require attention. + +To begin with, there is the question of the Korban or free bath. +It is, of course, a scandal that a bath should be an extra, and an +eighteen-penny one at that. After all, what is the bathroom for? We +are not charged extra for smoking in the smoking-room or drawing in +the drawing-room; why should we be bled for bathing in the bathroom? +At the same time this practice does provide the visitor with the +wholesome sport of Korban bathing. The object of the game is, of +course, to have as many baths as possible which are not put down in +your bill; and many are the stratagems which are employed. + +The true sportsman attempts the feat just before dinner, because at +that time there are sentries posted in every corridor. Ostensibly they +are maids waiting to assist any lady who has a crisis while dressing, +but no real pretence is made that they are there for any other purpose +than to charge you for as many baths as possible. On my corridor +there is a post of no fewer than three sentries, and it is extremely +difficult to evade them. The only thing to do is to get to know three +nice ladies on the same floor and arrange for them to have a +dressing crisis simultaneously and go on having it for about a +quarter-of-an-hour. + +This needs a good deal of organisation. However smoothly the operation +begins, one of the dressing crises nearly always collapses too soon, +and the sentry catches you on your return journey. + +For the lady visitor the problem is comparatively simple. I should +mention that it is a perfectly legitimate manoeuvre to get your bath +put down to somebody else if you can do it; and the crack lady-player +usually wraps herself in an unobtrusive bath-wrap, shrouds her head, +modestly conceals her face, slips into a friend's room to borrow some +Crème-Limon and, after an interval, rushes noisily out of the friend's +room to her bath, which, with any luck, is charged to her friend's +account. + +The beginner at the game contents himself with less complicated ruses. +Sometimes he has his bath late at night, when the sentries have been +taken off; but, as the lights go out _en masse_ at eleven, even this +operation has to be carefully timed. There is nothing much gloomier +than a bath by candle-light, except perhaps a bath in the dark. +Hundreds, however, of both sorts are endured in this hotel. + +The more brazen or the more timid simply walk into the bathroom fully +dressed during the day, carrying a number of dirty golf-balls in their +hands, and towels in their pockets and sponges up their sleeves, and +issue later fully dressed with clean white golf-balls in their +hands. It is generally thought, however, that this device is _just_ a +little--I mean it's not exactly--_you_ know what I mean. + +The Korban Bath Rules will probably remain unwritten for many a +day, but I earnestly hope that before next summer the traditions and +etiquette of bath-warfare as between individual hotel-visitors will +be codified and issued in an intelligible form. At the moment the +most extraordinary confusion prevails, and no one can tell whether +any particular stratagem will be hailed with applause as a bold and +legitimate operation of war or universally condemned as a barefaced +piece of bath-hoggery. Recently, for example, an extremely courteous, +not to say gallant, old gentleman was severely lectured by a lady for +digging himself in on the mat and maintaining his position there till +she emerged. She stated with, I think, considerable force that she had +passed the age when a lady likes to be seen coming out of a bathroom +with disordered locks; she also said that he was ruining her chance of +a Korban bath by drawing attention to the fact that there was somebody +inside. + +He replied with equal force that, whenever he considerately withdrew +from the mat in order to let a lady escape unseen, some less +scrupulous combatant (usually one of his own daughters) immediately +rushed the position, and he was not going to be had in that way again, +though as a matter of fact, while they were arguing the matter out, +somebody actually did this, so he was. + +Now what is the way out of this dilemma? The only solution I see is +the Sponge System, by which every competitor puts down a sponge, as +one puts down a ball at the first tee. In this way definite claims +can be staked out in rotation without congestion of the avenues of +approach. I hope this system will be generally adopted next summer +and, if it is used in conjunction with my Progress Indicator (which +shows by a moving needle what stage the person bathing has reached), +it ought to work very smoothly. But there must be no hanky-panky, no +sharp practice with caddies; every sponge must be put down by one +of the players in person. And there must be none of that regrettable +collusion between husband and wife which has brought such discredit on +the present system. + +There was a very bad case of this the other day. A certain wife used +to entrench herself in the bathroom early and remain in it till her +husband--a heavy and persistent sleeper--arrived. When you rattled +angrily at the door-knob she said very sharply, "Who is that?"--in +itself a sufficiently disturbing thing. Even in the present days of +shamelessness and crime there are few men who care to confess openly +that they have angrily rattled at the bathroom door. If you said +sheepishly, "It is Smith" or "Thompson" or "Lord Bumble," a heavy +silence fell, broken only by those gentle watery sounds which it is so +maddening to hear from without. When her husband arrived and answered +the challenge with "It is I, Arthur," sounds of feverish activity were +heard within, and a new bath was immediately turned on. + +Casting all scruples to the winds, seven desperate men rehearsed the +password, "It is I, Arthur;" seven desperate men presented themselves +in a single morning and murmured lovingly, "It is I, Arthur." None of +them had a bath. Seven times the good lady opened the door and beheld +Smith or Thompson or Lord Rumble or nobody. And seven times she bolted +back into the burrow again. She remained undefeated. Her husband got +his bath. + +I wonder what devilry she would be up to under the Sponge System. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +A NOVELTY FROM THE PAST. + + "ANTIQUE, over a hundred years old, oak sideboard, brand new + ... Apply after 6.30." + + _Evening News_. + +Surely after this candour there is no help to be got out of the +twilight hour. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Robert ----, who is now manager, entered his late + employer's service three or four months after he commenced, + and remained with him until he gave up." + + _Local Paper_. + +"They have their exits and their entrances"--the former in this case +being the more satisfactory. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Intending Purchaser_ (_to Artist, who is selling his +house_.) "DID YOU PUT THOSE FIGURES ON THE WALLS?" + +_Artist_ (_modestly, though regarding them as a strong asset_.) "OH, +YES--I--" + +_Intending Purchaser_. "WELL, THEY DON'T REALLY MATTER. A COAT OF +WHITEWASH WOULD SOON PUT THAT RIGHT."] + + * * * * * + +WHEN AND IF. + +(_It is rumoured that Mr. BALFOUR is shortly going to the House of +Lords_.) + + When BALFOUR goes to the Lords-- + For the Upper Chamber's adorning-- + The Lower House, if it has any _nous_, + Will have solid reason for mourning; + For he has no axes to grind; + His strategy injures no man, + And his keen sword play in the thick of the fray + Is a joy to friend and foeman. + + When BALFOUR goes to the Lords, + To strengthen that gilded muster, + 'Twill be sad and strange if he has to change + The name he has crowned with lustre; + For already there's "B. of B.," + A baron of old creation; + And Whittingehame is an uncouth name + For daily pronunciation. + + If BALFOUR goes to the Lords, + Will the atmosphere, I wonder, + With the placid balm of its dreamful calm + Bring his nimble spirit under? + Or will he act on the Peers + Like an intellectual cat-fish, + Or startle their sleep with the flying leap + Of a Caribbean bat-fish? + + If BALFOUR goes to the Lords-- + But can the Commons spare him? + Besides I'm sure that a coronet's lure + Is the very last thing to ensnare him; + And I'd rather see him undecked + With the gauds that merely glister, + In the selfsame box with PITT and FOX + And GLADSTONE--a simple Mister. + + Still if he goes to the Lords, + Whatever, his style and title, + For the part he has played in his country's aid + 'Twill be but a poor requital; + For he never once lost his nerve + When the outlook was most alarming, + And always remained, with shield unstained, + Prince ARTHUR, the good Prince Charming. + + * * * * * + + "Mrs. Hawke would be glad to employ a Wren for domestic work." + + _Advt. in Daily Paper_. + +Will she have to "live in"? + + * * * * * + + "If it be true, as SHELLEY said, that 'a thing of beauty is + a joy for ever,' the good people of Roydon are to be + congratulated on the new bridge over the River Stort." + + _Local Paper_. + +But, supposing KEATS, for instance, said it, will that make any +difference? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Enlightened Minister_. "I CANNA UNDERSTAND YOUR +OBJECTION TO DANCING, MR. MCTAVISH. WE HAVE BIBLICAL AUTHORITY FOR IT. +DAVID HIMSELF DANCED." + +_Elder_. "AY, BUT NO WI' A PAIRTNER."] + + * * * * * + +PRISCILLA FAILS TO QUALIFY. + +"So it runned out of its little grassy place and went all round the +garden," said Priscilla, emerging suddenly in pink from under the +table. + +"What are you playing at now, Priscilla?" I inquired. + +"I'm a little pussy-cat." + +"And what is this?" I asked, pointing to the waste-paper basket which +she had planted beside my chair. + +"It's the pussy-cat's basket of milk. It's to drink when she's +firsty," she explained. + +I sighed. It did not appear to me that the child's education was +proceeding upon proper lines. I had been reading portions of the diary +of Miss OPAL WHITELEY, written when she was seven years old, a work +which has just lifted for America the Child-authoress Cup. I had hoped +to find in Priscilla some faint signs that the laurels lost by Miss +DAISY ASHFORD might be wrested back. The latest feature in nursery +autobiography, so far as I could gather, was to have a profound +objective sympathy with vegetables and a faculty for naming domestic +animals after the principal figures in classical mythology. If you +have these gifts you get published by _The Atlantic Monthly_, with a +preface by Viscount GREY. But I doubted whether Priscilla had them. I +thought I would try. + +"Priscilla," I said, "be a little girl again and tell me what flower +you like best." + +"Woses." + +"What do the roses say to each other when you aren't there?" + +"Oh, they don't _say_ anyfing," she said with great contempt. + +This was bad. + +"Priscilla," I continued, "what do you call the dog next-door?" + +"Bill," she said; "but it's runned away." + +"There you are!" I exclaimed, turning to the child's mamma. "Bill, +indeed! If she were being properly educated she would be calling it +Jupiter Agamemnon Wilcox by now. Does she ever speak to you at all of +the star-gleams amongst the cabbage-leaves?" + +"I don't think there are any star-gleams amongst the cabbages in this +garden," she replied. "Only slugs." + +"I don't care," I said; "the fact remains that Priscilla ought to be +constantly wondering what the cabbages do say to each other when they +have lonesome feels at night." + +"Priscilla," I began again, "in about three years you will be seven +years old and quite a big girl. What will you play at then?" + +"Oh, I san't play at all," she said. "I sall go visiting and sopping." + +"Anything else?" + +"Oh, yes, I sall have a knife." + +"A pocket-knife?" + +"No, not a pocket-knife, a knife to cut meat wiv, of course." + +I had forgotten this goal of maidenly desires. + +"And won't you go long walks in the big woods with me and tell me the +names of all the flowers and what they are thinking about?" + +"Yes," she replied rather doubtfully. "Are there beasts in the woods?" + +"Only rabbits, I think." + +"We must be very careful, then, 'cos they're _very_ wild creatures, +aren't they?" + +"Oh, not _very_ wild." + +"Will you buy a gun at the gun-sop and soot them and we take them home +and eat them?" + +Bless the child, I thought, there seems to be no getting her away from +this eating business. + +"Priscilla," I began again, "in the woods there is a great big +lake, with trees and rushes all round it, and there are water-lilies +floating about and forget-me-nots at the edge." + +Now, I thought, we shall perhaps have something about the lullaby +songs of the trees and the willow that does sing by the creek. + +"Are there fiss in the lake?" inquired Priscilla. + +"Yes," I said, "beautiful shining fish." + +"And sall we catch the fiss and put them on the fire?" + +"I suppose we might," I admitted. + +"And will they sizzle?" + +"Araminta," I said, "the child is hopeless. She has no soul. She +will never be a great authoress. The Cup must remain in Oregon, and +Priscilla will never tell the world how the wind did go walking in +the field, talking to the earth voices, with a preface by Sir AUCKLAND +GEDDES or Lord READING. She thinks about nothing but her food." + +"Perhaps you had better try again after she's said her prayers," +suggested Araminta. "She may be feeling a little more soulful then." + +I attended the ceremony, which was performed with the utmost decorum +and gravity. When it was ended Priscilla looked up. + +"I said them very somnly and in rarver a low voice, didn't I?" she +announced, and then went off into gurgles of laughter. + +I determined to make one last despairing effort. + +"Priscilla," I asked, "which of your books do you like the best?" + +"_The Gobbly Goblin_," she said. + +"Araminta," I cried, "I give it up. She has no bent for literature. +There can never have been any great authoress, young or old, who +started with such a materialistic mind." + +"You forget Mrs. Beeton," she replied. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE EXPERTS. + +ASQUITH. "GIVE HIM HIS HEAD!" + +GREY. "TELL HIM YOU'LL CUT THE STRING IN A COUPLE OF YEARS!" + +MORLEY. "WHAT YOU WANT IS A MORE POWERFUL SANITY!"] + + * * * * * + +COLD COMFORT. + +(_It is stated that M. KAMENEFF, on his return to Russia, having +fallen out of favour with the Soviet Government, has been appointed +Commissar at Taganrog_.) + + Upon the mighty wheels of life + I'm but a very little cog, + And, when engaged in active strife, + Always the under-dog. + + No honours yet have come to me + (My name is Ebenezer Blogg); + I haven't got an O.B.E. + Nor yet the Dannebrog. + + A taxi-man the other night + Called me a measly little frog; + It's true that in respect of height + I can't compare with OG. + + At school I was the whipping-boy + Whom every master used to flog, + Although I took no stealthy joy + In pipes or cards or grog. + + The only time that I bestrode + A horse, like _Gilpin_ all agog, + The creature bolted from the road + And plunged me in a bog. + + I never learned to sing or dance, + To bowl or bat, to stick or slog; + The only time I crossed to France + I struck a Channel fog. + + I'm old and poor and rather deaf; + I'm often very short of prog; + Yet still I grudge not KAMENEFF + His post at Taganrog. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _First Bookie_. "I MUST 'AVE TAKEN TWO 'UNDRED QUID +TO-DAY. MARVELLOUS! I CAN'T THINK WHERE THE MONEY COMES FROM." + +_Second Bookie_. "FROM ME MOSTLY."] + + * * * * * + +OUR MODEST ADVERTISERS. + +"To be Sold, small unexceptionally attractive gentleman's Residential +Estate." + + * * * * * + + There was an American "DAISY" + Whose Diary set people crazy; + Some called it a fake-- + A most venial mistake, + For Opals are apt to be hazy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Humble Guest_ (_at Profiteer's castle_). "WHAT THE +DEUCE IS THIS?" + +_Magnificent Flunkey_. "THE TEMPERATURE OF YOUR BATH-WATER, SIR."] + + * * * * * + +THE MINISTRY FOR HEROES. + + _January 1st, 1920._ + To the Ministry of Pensions. + +When demobilised on 5th November last I applied for a disability +pension. Having received no official communication on the subject, may +I inquire, please, how the matter stands? + + M. C. BROKE, _Capt._ + + + _February 1st, 1920._ + To Lieut. C. M. Broke. + +I am to acknowledge receipt of your letter of 1/1/20, and to say that +you will receive a further communication from this Department in due +course. + + CUTHBERT RUTT, + for Ministry of Pensions. + + + _March 1st, 1920._ + To the Ministry of Pensions. + +_Re_ your letter of February 1st, may I inquire how the matter now +stands, please? (My rank, by the way, is captain, and my initials are +"M. C." not "C. M." I hope you won't mind me mentioning it.) + + M. C. BROKE, _Capt._ + + + _April 1st, 1920._ + To Mr. M. Brake. + +I am to acknowledge receipt of your letter of 1/3/20 and to request +that you will be good enough to state the date upon which you last +received a payment on account of your pension. + + CUTHBERT RUTT, + for Ministry of Pensions. + + + _April 2nd, 1920._ + To the Ministry of Pensions. + +Replying to your inquiry of yesterday, I have not received any +payment--not a bond, not a rouble, not a bean. That, between +ourselves, was my idea in initiating this interesting correspondence. + +May I direct your attention to my signature? + + M. C. BROKE, _Capt._ + + + _May 10th, 1920._ + To Second-Lieut. J. Brooke. + +Your letter dated 2/4/20 has been duly received. I am to ask whether +you are (a) demobilised; (b) disembodied; or (c) still serving? + + CUTHBERT RUTT, + for Ministry of Pensions. + + + _May 11th, 1920._ + To the Ministry of Pensions. + +I was so glad to hear yesterday that my letter of the 2nd of last +month had been duly received. I was beginning to get quite anxious +about it. In reply to your inquiry I have the honour to state (again) +that I was (a) demobilised. I mentioned this, you know, last January. +But perhaps you have forgotten? It is rather a long while ago. + + M. C. BROKE, _Capt._ + +P.S.--I don't mind a bit how you spell my name and all that. But our +postman is getting wild. And you know what workers are. + + + _June 30th, 1920._ + To Mr. C. Bink. + +I am directed to acknowledge your letter of 11/5/20. In order to +facilitate this Department's investigations into your claim, please +say if you are in possession of Army Form Z.3. + + CUTHBERT RUTT, + for Ministry of Pensions. + + + _July 1st, 1920._ + To the Ministry of Pensions. + +Yes, I am in possession of Army Form Z.3. I do hope this will +facilitate your Department's investigations. Not for my sake. But I +enclose last quarter's accounts from my landlord, butcher, baker, etc. +Perhaps you will be good enough to guarantee my credit? You know how +impatient these vulgar fellows are. + + M. C. BROKE, _Capt._ + +P.S.--I think I like "Bink" the least of my new names. But perhaps you +will think of a better one for my next letter. + + + _August 1st, 1920._ + To Mr. M. Brooks. + +Your letter of 1/7/20 has been duly received, and I am to inquire +whether you submitted a claim for disability pension at the time of +your demobilisation. If so, please state date. + + CUTHBERT RUTT, + for Ministry of Pensions. + + + _August 2nd, 1920._ + To the Ministry of Pensions. + +With reference to your letter of yesterday, the answer is in the +affirmative. By the way I think we went into that little matter too +last January. But, of course, you can't think of everything. Excuse +me mentioning it. Do you think you could get my pension through by the +30th inst? It is my birthday, and I would like to have my boots soled +and heeled. + + M. C. BROKE, _Capt._ + + + _August 30th, 1920._ + To Mr. N. Brock. + +With reference to your application for disability pension I am to +request that you will furnish this Department with a full statement of +the circumstances under which you were wounded, giving the following +particulars:--Christian and surname (in block letters); regiment; +whether (a) demobilised; (b) disembodied; or (c) still serving; +whether (a) shot; (b) bayoneted; (c) gassed; (d) shell-shocked; or +(e) drowned; Christian and surname (in block letters) of batman, +stretcher-bearers and O.i/c hospital ship. + + CUTHBERT RUTT, + for Ministry of Pensions. + + + _September 8th, 1920._ + To the Ministry of Pensions. + +Under medical advice I am to cease corresponding with your admirable +Department. It seems a pity, since we have got to know each other so +well. I have decided therefore to place the matter in the hands of the +Miners' Federation. I do not think I have mentioned the fact before, +but I was employed as a miner when I joined up in '14. + + M. C. BROKE, _Capt._ + + + _September 9th, 1920._ + To Captain M. C. Broke. + +I am directed to inform you that you have been awarded a disability +pension at the rate of five hundred pounds per annum. A draft for the +amount due, including arrears from 5/11/19--date of disembodiment or +demobilisation--was despatched to your address this morning per King's +Messenger. + + I have the honour to be, Sir, + Your humble and obedient Servant, + CUTHBERT RUTT, + for Ministry of Pensions. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "ONE CROWDED HOUR OF GLORIOUS LIFE." + +A BIT OF TOBACCO-ASH IN YOUR EYE, YOUR REEL JAMMED, ONE OF YOUR LEGS +THROUGH A LOOP OF YOUR LINE AND THE BIGGEST SALMON YOU EVER SAW ON THE +OTHER END OF IT.] + + * * * * * + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE GLOW-WORM. + + The little glow-worm sits and glows + As brilliant as the stars, + But you are wrong if you suppose + That he will light cigars. + + In fact, he seems to be exempt + From Nature's general plan; + He never makes the least attempt + To be of use to Man. + + And if you think that it requires + A scientific brain + To understand his tiny fires + Then you are wrong again. + + The meaning of his shininess + Is fairly clear to me; + It is intended to impress + The future Mrs. G. + + No doubt you think it is his nose + Which gleams across the glen; + Well, it is not; the part that glows + Is on the abdomen. + + And very likely that explains + Why all these millionaires + Buy such expensive shiny chains + To hang about on theirs. + + * * * * * + + The Editor who read these lines + Has quite a different tale; + He says it is the _she_ that shines + To captivate the male. + + He has a perfect right to doubt + The statements in this song, + But if he thinks I'll scratch them out + He's absolutely wrong. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHATEVER WILL YOU DO, GRANDPA, WHEN YOU'RE TOO OLD FOR +GARDENING?" + +"I EXPECT I'LL START GOLF. BUT I HOPE I SHAN'T LIVE AS LONG AS THAT."] + + * * * * * + +FOR OURSELVES ALONE. + +Our hostess had taken us over to "Sheltered End," the pleasant country +home of Mrs. Willoughby Brock, to play tennis. As however there was +only one court and quite a number of young and middle-aged people were +standing near it with racquets in their hands and an expression +on their faces in which frustration and anticipation fought for +supremacy, it followed that other beguilements had to be found. My own +fate was to fall into the hands of Mrs. Brock, whose greatest delight +on earth seems to be to have a stranger to whom she can display the +beauties of her abode and enlarge upon the unusual qualities of her +personality. She showed and told me all. We explored the estate from +the dog-kennel to the loggia for sleeping out "under the stars;" from +the pergola to the library; from the sundial to the telephone, "the +only one for miles;" and as we walked between the purple and mauve +Michaelmas daisies in her long herbaceous borders, with Red Admiral +butterflies among the myriad little clean blossoms, she said how odd +it was that some people have the gift of attracting friends and others +not; and what a strange thing it is that where one person has to +toil to make a circle others are automatically surrounded by nice +creatures; and asked me if I had any views as to the reason, but did +not pause for the reply. + +It was a warm mellow day--almost the first of summer, according to +one's senses, although nearly the last, according to the calendar--and +Mrs. Brock was so happy to be in a monologue that I could enjoy +the garden almost without interruption. For a two and a half years' +existence it certainly was a triumph. Here and there a reddening apple +shone. The hollyhocks must have been ten feet high. + +"Ah! here comes the dear Vicar," said Mrs. Brock suddenly, and, rising +up from a rose which I was inhaling (and I wish that people would grow +roses, as they used to do years ago, nose-high), I saw a black figure +approaching. + +"He is such a charming man," Mrs. Brock continued, "and devoted to me." + +"Good afternoon," said the Vicar. "How exquisite those delphiniums +are!" he added after introductions were complete; "such a delicate +blue! I should not have intruded had I known you had a party"--he +waved his hand towards the single tennis-court, around which the +wistful racquet-bearers were now (as it seemed) some thousands strong, +"but it is always a pleasure"--he turned to me--"to be able to walk +in this paradise on a fine day and appreciate its colour and its +fragrance. I find Mrs. Brock so valuable a parochial counsellor too." + +"I think," I said, not in the least unwilling to be tactful, "I will +see what the rest of our party are doing." + +"Oh, no," said the Vicar; "please don't let me drive you away. As a +matter of fact, since there are so many here I won't stay myself. But +I wonder," he addressed Mrs. Brock, "as I am here, if I might use your +telephone for a moment?" + +"Of course," said she. + +"Thank you so much," he replied; "yes, I know where it is," and with +a genial and courtly salutation he moved off in the direction of the +house. + +"Such a true neighbour!" said Mrs. Brock. "Ah! and here is another," +she went on. And along the same path, where the Michaelmas daisies +were thickest, I saw a massive woman in white, like a ship in full +sail, bearing down upon us, defending her head from the gentle +September sun with a red parasol. "This," Mrs. Brock hurriedly +informed me, "is Lady Cranstone, who lives in the house with the green +shutters at the end of the village. Such a dear person! She's always +in and out. The widow of the famous scientist, you know." + +I didn't know; but what does it matter? + +By this time the dear person was within hailing distance, but she +flew no signals of cordiality; her demeanour rather was austere +and arrogant. Mrs. Brock hurried towards her to assist her to her +moorings, and I was duly presented. + +"I didn't intend to come in again to-day," said Lady Cranstone, +whose features still successfully failed to give to the stranger any +indication of the benignity that, it was suggested, irradiated her +being. + +"But you are always so welcome," said Mrs. Brock. "Lady Cranstone," +she continued to me, "is kindness itself. She makes all the difference +between loneliness and--and content." + +Lady Cranstone picked a rose and pinned it in her monumental bosom. "I +don't know that I had anything in particular to say," she remarked. +"I chanced to be passing and I merely looked in; but since I am here +perhaps you would allow me to use your telephone--" + +Mrs. Brock beamed her delighted acquiescence and the frigate sailed +on. "You've no idea," said Mrs. Brock, "what a friendly crowd there is +in these parts. I don't know how it is, but this little place of +mine, modest though it is, and unassuming and unclever as I am, is +positively the very centre of the district. It's like a club-house. +How strange life is! What curious byways there are in human sympathy!" + +This being the kind of remark that is best replied to with an +inarticulate murmur, I provided an inarticulate murmur; and I was +about to make a further and more determined effort to get away when a +maid-servant approached with a card. + +Mrs. Brock took it and read the name with a little cry of +satisfaction. "Lord Risborough," she said to me. "At last! How nice +of him to call. They live at Risborough Park, you know. I always said +they would never condescend to dignify 'Sheltered End' with their +presence; but I somehow knew they would." She purred a little. And +then, "Where is his lordship?" she asked; but the girl's reply was +rendered unnecessary by the nobleman himself, who advanced briskly +upon Mrs. Brock, hat in hand. + +"I trust," he said, "that you will pardon the informality of this +visit. Lady Risborough is so sorry not to have been able to call yet, +but--but--Yes, I was wondering if you'd be so very kind as to do me +a little favour? The fact is, our telephone is out of order--most +annoying--and I wondered if you would let me use yours. I hear that +you have one." + +"I will take you to it," said Mrs. Brock. + +"Most kind, most kind!" his lordship was muttering. + +There was no difficulty in making my escape now. + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "I DO HOPE YOU'LL BE ABLE TO COME TO THE MOTHERS' +WELFARE MEETING ON WEDNESDAY. WE'VE PERSUADED A FAMOUS CHEF TO COME +AND GIVE US A LECTURE ON 'THE DECAY OF COOKERY.' IT SHOULD BE MOST +HELPFUL." + +"NOT TO ME, MUM. I ALLUS GIVES MINE TO THE PIGS WHEN IT GETS THAT +FAR."] + + * * * * * + +Mr. Punch desires to express his sincere regret for an injustice done, +though without malice, to the Publishers (Messrs. SWEET AND MAXWELL) +and the Editor of _Williams' Real Property_, in an article that +appeared in the issue of August 18th, under the title, "Blewitt on +Real Property." The new edition of _Williams' Real Property_ contains +a large amount of fresh material and represents considerable labour +spent over the careful revision of the previous edition. + + * * * * * + + "At 1 a.m., uninterrupted rifle fire and bomb explosions + were audible. It is reported that a French officer was then + addressing the crowd." _Times of Malaya_. + +Our old sergeant-major must look to his laurels. + + * * * * * + +THE PEERLESS PROVINCIAL. + + [A London paper learns from a West End tailor that many people + in the North and Midlands now achieve a higher standard of + dress than the "man about town."] + + If perchance you would gaze upon those whose array's + Of impeccable texture and cut, + It is futile to go to Pall Mall or the Row, + Now the haunt of the second-rate nut; + Take a train (G.N.R.), for example, as far + As Cleckheaton or Cleethorpes-on-Sea, + Where each male that you meet, from his head to his feet, + Follows Fashion's most recent decree. + + A legitimate claim to sartorial fame + Can be made by the locals at Leek, + Whose apparel is apt to be ruthlessly scrapped + After having been worn for a week; + Trousers bag at the knees in no town on the Tees, + And the Londoner has to admit + That he cannot compete against Bootle's _élite_, + And that Percy of Pudsey is IT. + + Wigan's well in the van, for her sons to a man + Are the ultimate word in cravats + And are said to outdo even Cheadle and Crewe + In the matter of collars and spats; + But the pick of the lot is the privileged spot + Where the smart set, the quite _comme il faut_, + Have a mentor and guide who is famed far and wide + As Bertie the Bridlington Beau. + + * * * * * + +THE PASSING OF ALFRED. + +Alfred is dead and with him has gone John's last efforts at making and +training pets. It has simply been one disappointment after another. +There was Charles the monkey. Charles could write his own name with +a pen and digest the creamiest shaving-stick without making a lather. +There was Joey, the billy-goat, such an entertaining fellow, who +could pick up and set down anything with his horns from a basket to a +dustman. And then there was Livo--immortal Livo. There never was such +a down-at-heel and unscrupulous young ruffian of a mongrel terrier +as Livo, nor one that more completely convinced people that he was a +gentleman of blood and a pure-souled spiritualist. + +Of course there were heaps of other pets as well, but just as they +seemed about to reach that stage of human intelligence so earnestly +desired by their young master they all suddenly died, even as Alfred, +the last of a long list, gave up the ghost yesterday. + +Alfred was a trout. Not your ordinary fly-jumping kind of trout, +because there is never anything ordinary about John's pets. Alfred, +for instance, had not lived in water for three months. He simply had +no use for the stuff, and, as for jumping at a fly, his nerves were +far too good for that sort of thing. + +His attachment to John was complete. He would take food from no one +else and the presence of his eight-year-old master in the long grass +was sufficient to bring him erect on his tail, where he would wag his +fins and make strange noises in cordial welcome. In many respects he +was the most superior pet John has ever had. He could affect boredom +and his exhibition of the glad eye was considered by John's eldest +sister to be positively deadly. It is, in fact, true to say that his +keen desire to adopt as many human habits as possible often led us to +mistake him for one of ourselves. + +John, however, was not quite satisfied with his pupil until one bright +morning last week when Alfred displayed the first signs of having +acquired the Directional Wriggle. Strange as it may sound, this very +human trout actually wriggled after John for a distance of five yards. +Three days later he pursued his master to the village post-office and +beat him by a short gill. + +Yesterday, however, Alfred excelled himself. John had left early for +the stream, and being in a hurry took advantage of the thin plank +crossing. Now the plank is very slippery and had been placed over the +spot where the stream is deepest. John crossed it carefully enough, +but looking back for a second he suddenly noticed that Alfred was +following him. Before he could raise his voice in protest the trout +had mounted the plank and was wriggling across it. Then, horror +of horrors! in the middle of the plank the wretched fish suddenly +lurched, lost its footing, plunged into the water and was drowned. + + * * * * * + +FLOWERS' NAMES. + +WHAT THE FAIRIES WEAR. + + If only you walk with an open ear + And watch with an open eye, + There's wonderful magic to see and hear + By silently passing by; + In meadows and ditches, here and there, + You'll find the clothes that the fairies wear. + + You can see each golden and silvery frock + In Lady's Mantle and Ladysmock; + There's Lady's Garter (which, I suppose, + They wear with the cowslips called Hose-in-hose); + The solemn fairies who ride on owls + Shroud their faces with Monkswood cowls; + And there's other things besides fairy dresses-- + There's Lady's Mirror and Lady's Tresses. + + Bachelors' Buttons must be for elves + Who have to do up their clothes themselves; + And the tailor fairies use Fairy Shears, + Long cutting-grasses that grow by meres; + And they mend their things with the Spider-stitches, + Faint white flowers that you find in ditches, + And Shepherd's Needle, which you'll see plain + In every meadow and field and lane; + And when they've used them they grow again. + + If only you walk with an open ear + And watch with an open eye, + There's wonderful secrets to see and hear + By silently passing by; + In meadows and ditches, here and there, + You'll find the clothes that the fairies wear; + And if you look when they think you've gone + Perhaps you'll see them trying them on. + + * * * * * + + "The whole of the United States is intensely interested in a + baseball scandal revealed a few days ago. + + The Grand Judy, which is now investigating the charge, has + already indicted eight of the leading players."--_Evening + Paper_. + +Mr. Punch wishes his old consort more power to her elbow. + + * * * * * + +ROBBERY IN COURT. + +There would seem to be some need for watchfulness in our Courts of +Justice lest the customs and privileges which to so great an extent +have made them what they are should be allowed to lapse. + +A great sensation was caused throughout the legal profession the +other day when it was reported in the Press that a witness, in giving +evidence, made the following remark:--"It goes in one ear and out of +the other. Perhaps that is because there is nothing to stop it." The +report stated that laughter followed, and, if that was indeed the +case, then we have no hesitation whatever in characterising it as a +most unseemly outburst. + +If witnesses are to be permitted with impunity to snatch out of the +Judge's mouth the jokes which naturally arise out of their evidence, +our whole judicial system will be imperilled. In offering an +explanation as to why "it goes in one ear and out of the other," the +witness committed a grave breach of etiquette. That explanation, if +made at all, should have been made by the Judge in the first place. +Or if, after due opportunity had been given, his Lordship showed no +desire to avail himself of the opening, then the privilege should have +fallen to the examining counsel. If he in turn waived it, it should +have been open to counsel on the other side to snap up the chance. + +We fail to understand how such a remark, coming from a witness, could +have been allowed to pass without rebuke from the Judge or protest +from the counsel, or some attempt at least to maintain order on the +part of the usher. + + * * * * * + +THE CHANTRY. + + Grey dust lies on his battered face; + The glories of his shield are dim; + Half vanished are the words of grace + Beseeching pity and peace for him + Along the Purbeck rim. + + His hands are folded palm to palm + (Some fingers lacking on the right), + And at his peakéd feet the calm + Old lion shows he fell in fight, + As best became a knight. + + The ivy shakes its tattered leaves + Where once he saw the painted pane; + The brooding, scurrying spider weaves + Where cloth of damask dyed in grain + Will never hang again. + + With missal propped upon his helm + For him no drowsy chantor pleads; + But blackbirds in the darkening elm + Sing plain-song, and the Abbey meads + Retell their daisy-beads. + +D. M. S. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady_. "AND WHY DID YOU LEAVE YOUR LAST SITUATION?" + +_Prospective Maid_. "WELL, THAT'S A BIT INQUISITIVE, AIN'T IT, MUM? I +DIDN'T ASK YOU WHY YOUR LAST GIRL LEFT YOU."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks_.) + +I am as a rule very strongly against the form of pedantry that hastens +to cry "imitation" whenever a new writer finds himself impelled to +a theme of the same character as that already associated with an +old-established practitioner. But in the case of _The Lost Horizon_ +(METHUEN) I find myself overwhelmed. Consciously or unconsciously Mr. +G. COLBY BORLEY has produced a story that in matter and treatment is +so palpably a reflection of JOSEPH CONRAD that the likeness simply +refuses to be ignored. It is in its way a good story enough--an affair +of adventure in South America and on the high seas, with a generous +sufficiency of oaths and blood-letting; a tale moreover that gives +evidence (in spite of that distressing echo) of being written by +one who takes his craft with a becoming dignity of purpose. One +peculiarity of the Master has not only been borrowed by Mr. BORLEY, +but exaggerated to his own undoing: I mean the trick of introducing +a character or group of characters so clogged and obscured by the +adhesions of the uncommunicated past that not till this has been +gradually flaked from them do they emerge as figures in whom it is +possible to take an intelligent interest. In the present instance this +process is delayed for more than half the book. As for the intrigue, +that concerns a group of cut-throat Europeans, who, having been +ruinously involved in a South American revolution, are now further +plunged into the plots of a scoundrelly African magnate and his +conspiratorial gang. For myself, I parted from them all with a feeling +of regret that they had not explained themselves earlier as the +entertaining villains that they turned out to be. + +_Manhood End_ (HURST AND BLACKETT) is the title, not very cheery, that +Mrs. HENRY DUDENEY has given to her latest novel, a simple and quite +human story of country vicarage life, told sympathetically, but in +too many words for so slight a theme. The publishers are at the +wholly superfluous pains of urging you as a preliminary to read the +"turn-over of cover." Don't! All you will find there is a synopsis +of the plot, just sufficient to destroy the slender thread of your +interest in its development. And I must record a protest against the +entirely unneeded Prologue, in which total strangers sit round at +a churchyard picnic on the graves of the real protagonists, and +speculate as to their history. The tale itself is placed in Sussex +(why this invidious partiality of our novelists?), the actors being +for the most part clerical. The main interest is centred in the +matrimonial trials of the _Rev. Frederick Rainbird_, whose bride, +having married him in haste, repented at leisure, eloped with the +promising brother of a neighbouring parson, repented more, returned +to domesticity, ran away again, and so on, _da capo_. Perhaps really +these simple but not short annals have a flavour that I have failed +to convey. Mrs. DUDENEY writes easily, but should avoid the snares +of originality. To say of her heroine's morning appearance at the +breakfast table, that she "stood in the tangle of a delicious coffee +smell," may convey an impression, but at a ruinous expense of style. + + * * * * * + +_Michael Winter_, hero of _The Black Knight_ (HUTCHINSON), by Mrs. +ALFRED SIDGWICK and CROSBIE GARSTIN, had led a nice easy life till +his father's nefarious schemes crashed, bringing down in a common ruin +half the small investors in the country. Left penniless, he changes +his disgraced name and goes out to Canada to make good. There, on the +prairies, he puts in some hard honest work. But, in his haste to be +rich, the _Black Knight_, as they do in chess, after moving straight, +moved obliquely. In order to make a coup out of a Wall Street cinch he +helped himself to the money of the bank of which he was cashier. Other +people who shall be nameless have done this sort of thing before, +and, after returning the "borrowed" cash, have enjoyed a stainless +prosperity. But _Michael_, through a motor-car accident, just failed +to put it back in time, and had to do two years. But he had made a +fortune, and on emerging from prison returned to Europe to enjoy +it. There he rescues an innocent English girl from a shady Parisian +environment and marries her. By chance she learns the secret of the +source of his wealth and leaves him. In order to appease her scruples +and recover her he signs away his goods for the benefit of his +father's creditors. What might have been a too sugary conclusion is +saved by a pleasant touch of corrective irony in the very last line, +where his wife expresses a very human satisfaction on finding that her +best necklace was not included in the noble sacrifice. I hope I shall +not be suspected of flattering Mr. Punch's "PATLANDER" if I admire +the excellence of the Canadian section, obviously contributed by Mr. +CROSBIE GARSTIN, who has knocked about most of the world marked red on +the maps. Here his humour and vitality are at their keenest. The rest +of a well-told tale I attribute to Mrs. ALFRED SIDGWICK, with the +exception of a pugilistic episode, for which I imagine that the male +fist was called in to supplement her proper inexperience. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "MY DEAR, I _FELT_ I OUGHT NEVER TO HAVE TAKEN THE +HOLIDAY. SCARCELY HAD I SET FOOT IN MY APARTMENTS WHEN I WAS HANDED A +TELEGRAM FROM SARAH:--'PARROT LAID AN EGG. WIRE INSTRUCTIONS.'"] + + * * * * * + +I do believe that I have caught a detective napping; a real private +detective, one of the great infallibles of fiction. Mr. J. S. +FLETCHER'S _Exterior to the Evidence_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) is one of +those thrills in which any of the characters might have committed the +murder and there is every reason, at times, to suspect that they have +all had a hand in it. Over the moorland there ran a path, and at +a spot known as Black Scar it came perilously near the edge of a +forty-foot drop, with rocks at the bottom. Over this precipice +went _Sir Cheville Stanbury_ at midnight, a very odd circumstance +considering his life-long familiarity with the path. _Weathershaw_, +the great detective called in to investigate the matter on behalf of +one of the suspects, took a line of his own and eventually hit upon +someone you and I would never have thought of. We have this excuse, +that we had no idea of his existence until he was hit upon; but no +more had _Weathershaw_. Now I am not going to give away the secret +of this enticing affair, but I must dispute the detective's +identification, on the last page but one, of the man responsible for +_Sir Cheville's_ death. If you compare the statement of fact on page +301, seven lines from the bottom, which corroborates that on page +279, also seven lines from the bottom, with _Weathershaw's_ dramatic +accusation, you will understand what I mean and you will be left +in considerable doubt (as I was) of what the author means. Does he +suggest that _Sir Cheville_ was never murdered at all? After so much +excitement that would be a sad pity. + + * * * * * + +The publishers of _The Amorous Cheat_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS) generously +label it "an enthralling story of domestic and stage life." To which +my comment must be, that the domesticity supplied by the hero's family +and their quite uninteresting hesitations between town and suburban +residence are entirely nebulous and illusive, that the stage as +background has no significance one way or other, but that the +impropriety upon which (I must say frankly) the appeal of the book +seems to depend is given without stint, in a measure that certainly +may, for some readers, justify the publishers' epithet. You will +understand therefore that I experience a little natural hesitation +about suggesting the intrigue. It is certainly of the simplest--a mere +question as to whether _Edward_ and _Vivian_, casual acquaintances +of a restaurant, shall or shall not spend a sequence of week-ends +together. The lady is described as on the stage, but she might as well +belong to a guild of art-needlework. _Edward_ is the only question of +importance, and the week-ends; if you ponder the significance of the +title you can probably guess the rest. To be honest I ought to add +that Mr. BASIL CREIGHTON wields an easy-flowing pen, and that at least +one chapter certainly is wickedly entertaining, in the style of what +we used to call "Continental" humour. To sum up, not a novel +for family reading or for the fastidious. The others may even be +enthralled. + + * * * * * + +_The Diary of a Sportsman Naturalist in India_ (LANE) contains an +excellent collection of sporting anecdotes, and dip where you may you +will find none of them trivial or tiresome. Mr. E. P. STEBBING states +that his purpose in selecting material from his note-books was "to +emphasize the necessity which exists of affording protection to +the game and other animals of India," and, shy as some of us are of +purposeful books, there is no reason to be scared by this one. In +the first place Mr. STEBBING's purpose is one which will generally +be commended, and in the second he achieves it in an absolutely +unobtrusive manner. To sportsmen, and especially to those who have +enjoyed the good fortune of shooting in India, this volume will be +extremely welcome. The only cumbrous thing about it is its title. Add +that Mr. STEBBING is as profuse in his illustrations as he is happy in +his choice of subjects. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, October 13, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 19382-8.txt or 19382-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/3/8/19382/ + +Produced by Stephanie Maschek, Jonathan Ingram and the +Online Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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