diff options
Diffstat (limited to '19350.txt')
| -rw-r--r-- | 19350.txt | 2343 |
1 files changed, 2343 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/19350.txt b/19350.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..747902d --- /dev/null +++ b/19350.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2343 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +December 22, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 22, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 22, 2006 [eBook #19350] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 159, DECEMBER 22, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net/) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 19350-h.htm or 19350-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350/19350-h/19350-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350/19350-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + +DECEMBER 22ND, 1920. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. It is pointed out that the display of December meteors is +more than usually lavish. Send a postcard to your M.P. about it. + + * * * + +Mr. LLOYD GEORGE recently stated that the first prize he ever won +was for singing. It is only fair to say that this happened in the +pre-NORTHCLIFFE era. + + * * * + +An elderly Londoner recalls a Christmas when the cold was so intense +that in a Soho restaurant the ices froze. + + * * * + +There has arrived at the Zoo a bird akin to the partridge and +excellent for the table, but unable to fly. The very thing for the +estate of a sporting profiteer. + + * * * + +"What is the best fire preventative?" asks a weekly journal. The +answer is, the present price of coal. + + * * * + +The National Rat Campaign this year, we are told, was a great success. +On the other hand we gather that several rats have threatened to issue +a minority report. + + * * * + +"There is nothing so enjoyable," says a newspaper correspondent, "as +a trip across the water to Ireland." Except, of course, a trip back +again. + + * * * + +A number of Huns are receiving Iron Crosses through the post inscribed +"Your Fatherland does not forget you." How like Germany! She won't +even allow bygones to be bygones. + + * * * + +"Let Christmas come," says a contemporary headline. We have arranged +to do so. + + * * * + +A Minneapolis judge rules that a man has the right to declare himself +head of the household. Opinion in this country agrees that he has the +right but rarely the pluck. + + * * * + +"My faith in the League of Nations is not shaken," says Lord ROBERT +CECIL. This is the dogged spirit which is going to make this country +what it used to be. + + * * * + +"It may yet be possible," according to the Water Power Resources +Committee, "to harness the moon." This of course would depend upon +whether Sir ERIC GEDDES would let them have it or not. + + * * * + +Cinema stunt actors, says _The Manchester Guardian_, expect to be paid +fifty pounds for a motor smash. It seems an injustice that ordinary +pedestrians should have to take part in this sort of thing for +nothing. + + * * * + +The continued disappearance of notepaper from a well-known club has +now been traced to a large female cat, and most of the paper has +been recovered from her sleeping-basket. It is thought that she was +probably preparing to write her memoirs. + + * * * + +A burglar who broke into a private house near Hitchin helped himself +to a good supper before leaving. It is pleasing to learn, however, +that, judging by the disordered state in which the pantry was left, +the Stilton cheese must have put up a splendid fight. + + * * * + +It was most unfortunate that Mr. "FATTY" ARBUCKLE'S visit to London +should have clashed with the Cattle Show at the Royal Agricultural +Hall. + + * * * + +During a recent revue performance in London the conductor accidentally +turned over two pages of music at once and the orchestra suddenly +ceased playing. Several words of the chorus were actually heard by +those sitting in front before the mistake could be rectified. + + * * * + +Green peas in excellent condition, says a contemporary, have been +picked at Pentlow, Sussex. It serves them right. + + * * * + +"Although Labour extremists are now much quieter it would take very +little to set the ball of discontent into motion once again," states a +writer in the Sunday Press. This being so, is it not rather unwise to +let Christmas Day fall this year on the workmen's half holiday? + + * * * + +We question the wisdom of drawing the attention of Parliament to the +silence of the POET LAUREATE. If he is goaded into breaking it we +shall know whom to blame. + + * * * + +"If people at home only knew how grateful we are for _anything_ that +is sent us," writes a lady from the island of Tristan d'Acunha. +If they are as easily pleased as that, the idea of sending them +Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY should not be lost sight of. + + * * * + +"The Hexathlon," we read, "is a form of contest new to this country." +Mind you get one for the children at Christmas. + + * * * + +A new type of American warship is expected to be able to cross the +Atlantic in a little over three days. It will be remembered that the +fastest of the 1914 lot took nearly three years. + + * * * + +Large numbers of Filipinos are resisting an edict requiring them to +wear trousers. Unfortunately it is impossible to offer to accommodate +them all in the ranks of the Chicago Scottish. + + * * * + +Riverside residents remarked that just before the cold set in large +flocks of seagulls passed up the Thames. Well, what did they expect? +Flamingoes? + + * * * + +Mr. A. B. WALKLEY has remarked that a prejudice against actors is as +old as the stage. It is satisfactory to think that it is no older and +that in many cases it may be removed by a change of profession. + + * * * + +"I never dreamed of anything like this when I invented the telephone," +said Dr. BELL after a demonstration. Neither as a matter of fact did +we when we hired ours. + + * * * + +Owing to the fact that Dr. BELL has experienced no unpleasantness +during his stay over here, it is thought that the American genius who +invented revues may now risk a visit to our shores. + + * * * * * + +It is with the deepest sorrow that we record the death of F. H. +Townsend, which occurred, without any warning, on December 11th. Their +personal loss is keenly felt by his colleagues of the _Punch_ Table, +to whom the fresh candour of his nature and his brave gaiety of +spirit, not less than his technical skill and resourcefulness, were a +constant delight and will remain an inspiration. As Art Editor he will +be greatly missed by the many contributors who have been helped by his +kindly counsel and encouragement. Of the gap that he leaves in the +world of Art they are sadly conscious who followed and appreciated +his fine work not only in the pages of _Punch_ but in his +book-illustrations and in those appeals for charity to which he always +gave freely of his best. + +To his nearest and dearest among the wide circle that loved him we ask +leave to offer the sympathy of friends who truly share their grief. +With them we mourn a life untimely closed, and great gifts lost to us +while still in their fulness; but we take comfort in the thought that +death touched him with swift and gentle hand, and that he died with +harness on, as a man would choose to die. + + * * * * * + + + + +"THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT." + +IN AFFECTIONATE MEMORY OF F. H. TOWNSEND. + +Only a few days before the sudden tragedy which took from us our +colleague of the _Punch_ Staff, he made me a small request, very +characteristic of his kindly heart. It was that I should put in these +pages a notice of _The Christmas Spirit_, the illustrated annual +published in aid of the work of Talbot House ("Toc. H."), in which he +had taken a practical interest. In carrying out his wish I want not +only to plead in behalf of a good cause, but also to associate this +appeal with the memory of one with whom for over fourteen years I have +worked in close and happy comradeship. + +In case any reader of _Punch_ has yet to be introduced to the idea +of Talbot House, let me explain that its purpose is to carry on in +peace-time the work that was done by the original "Toc. H.," which +from 1915 to 1918, under the management of the Rev. P. R. CLAYTON, +M.C., Garrison Chaplain, provided the comforts of a club and +rest-house at Poperinghe for soldiers passing to and fro in the +deadly Salient of Ypres. Its objects--I quote from _The Christmas +Spirit_--are: + + "(1) To preserve among ex-Service men and to transmit to the + younger generation the traditions of Christian Fellowship and + Service manifested on Active Service. + + (2) To offer opportunities for recreation and the making of + friendships to thousands of men who find life a difficult salient + to hold. + + (3) To provide opportunities for men of all kinds to come together + in the Spirit of Service, to study, to discuss and, if possible, + to solve the problems of their time. + + (4) To offer the help and happiness of club life at a low rate by + establishing clubs in many centres throughout the country as the + focus of the brotherhood." + +The noble work done by Talbot House in Poperinghe and Ypres was +gratefully recognised by the scores of thousands of our troops whose +needs it served in those hard days, but it was only when the War was +over that its story was made known to the public at home in _Tales of +Talbot House_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS), which received a warm welcome in +the review columns of _Punch_. This was followed recently by _The +Pilgrim's Guide to the Ypres Salient_ (REIACH), a little book compiled +and written, as a labour of love, entirely by ex-Service men. Besides +being actually a present-day guide to the Salient, it contains special +articles illustrating the life that was there lived during the War by +various branches of the service. And now we have the annual of "Toc. +H."--_The Christmas Spirit_--to which the PRINCE OF WALES has given +a foreword and a host of brilliant authors and artists have freely +contributed. Here are RUDYARD KIPLING, STEPHEN GRAHAM, G. K. +CHESTERTON, E. F. BENSON, IAN HAY, GILBERT FRANKAU, W. ROTHENSTEIN, +"SPY," DERWENT WOOD, HEATH ROBINSON and, of _Punch_ artists, F. H. +TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, G. L. STAMPA, GEORGE MORROW, G. D. ARMOUR, +E. H. SHEPARD, "FOUGASSE," WALLIS MILLS and H. M. BATEMAN. + +The four contributions of F. H. TOWNSEND include a "first study" for +a drawing that appeared recently in _Punch_ and a delightful sketch +of "The Christmas Spirit," as typified by a St. Bernard dog from whose +little keg of brandy a traveller, up to the neck in snow, is reviving +himself. + +Out of the great scheme in whose aid this remarkable annual has been +published have already sprung two Talbot Houses, one in Queen's Gate +Gardens, and one in St. George's Square. There is still need of a main +headquarters in London and hostels for its branches, more than sixty +of them, spread all over the country. "'Toc. H.,'" says its Padre, "is +not a charity. Once opened our Hostel Clubs are self-supporting, as +our experience already proves. In Edinburgh, Liverpool, Manchester, +Bristol, Newcastle, Birmingham, Leeds, Sheffield, two thousand pounds +will open a house for which our branches in each of these places are +crying out. It is only the original outlay, the furniture and the +first quarter's rent, which stand between us and a whole series of +such houses in the great provincial centres. Fifty pounds will endow a +bedroom, where a lad can live cheaper than in the dingiest lodgings, +and know something better of a great city than that it is a place +where all evil is open to him and all good is behind closed doors.... +'Toc. H.,' we repeat, is _not_ another recurrent charity. It is a wise +way of helping to meet our debt of honour; it is a living and growing +memorial, charged with the task of making reincarnate in the younger +world the qualities which saved us." + +_Punch_ ventures to add his voice to this claim upon our honour and +gratitude; and, if I may, I would like to make appeal to all who +loved the work of our friend who is dead, that they should send some +offering to this good cause as a personal tribute to the memory of a +man who, in his own form of service, did so much to cheer the hearts +of our fighting men in the dark hours that are over. + +Contributions should be addressed to the Rev. P. B. CLAYTON, M.C., +Effingham House, Arundel Street, Strand, W.C.2. + +O. S. + + * * * * * + + +THE FAIRY TAILOR. + + Sitting on the flower-bed beneath the hollyhocks + I spied the tiny tailor who makes the fairies' frocks; + There he sat a-stitching all the afternoon + And sang a little ditty to a quaint wee tune: + "Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves, + Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves, + White for the pixies that dance upon the green, + But where shall I find me a robe for the Queen?" + + All about the garden his little men he sent, + Up and down and in and out unceasingly they went; + Here they stole a blossom, there they pulled a leaf, + And bound them up with gossamer into a glowing sheaf. + Petals of the pansy for little velvet shoon, + Silk of the poppy for a dance beneath the moon, + Lawn of the jessamine, damask of the rose, + To make their pretty kirtles and airy furbelows. + + Never roving pirates back from Southern seas + Brought a store of treasures home beautiful as these; + They heaped them all about him in a sweet gay pile, + But still he kept a-stitching and a-singing all the while: + "Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves, + Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves, + White for the pixies that dance on the green, + But who shall make a royal gown to deck the Fairy Queen?" + + R. F. + + * * * * * + + "Unless he wishes to raise a hornet's nest about his ears we would + advise him to let sleeping dogs lie."--_Local Paper_. + +Personally we never keep a dog that harbours hornets. + + * * * * * + +From a concert-programme:-- + + "Fantastic Symphony ... Berlioz in a Vodka Shop ... Bax." + + _Birmingham Paper_. + +This should help to combat the current opinion that BERLIOZ is dry. + + * * * * * + + "Sir Johnston Forbes-Robertson said there were, in certain places, + some forms of light entertainments which, to say the least, wanted + carefully watching."--_Daily Paper_. + +At present, we gather, the wrong people do the watching. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: SING A SONG OF DRACHMAS. + +(_TINO AT ATHENS._) + +THE KING WAS IN HIS COUNTING-HOUSE LOOKING FOR HIS MONEY.] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Man of Wealth_ (_to his son just home for the +holidays_). "AND WHY DON'T YOU LIKE YOUR FUR COAT? I'LL BET NONE OF +THE OTHER BOYS 'AVE GOT ONE." + +_Son._ "YES, BUT NONE OF THE OTHER BOYS HAVE TO BE CALLED 'SKUNKY.'"] + + * * * * * + + +THOUGHTS IN A COLD SNAP. + +It is going to be very cold when I get up, which will be almost +immediately--very cold indeed. It was zero yesterday; it may be below +the line to-day, twenty or thirty below the line--even more. A +little slam, perhaps, in spades. There are icicles hanging from the +window-frame; and it is a curious thing, when one comes to think of +it, what a lot of things there are that rhyme with icicle: tricycle, +bicycle, phthisical, psychical--no, I am wrong, not psychical ... + +Anyhow, it is going to be very cold. Some people do not mind the cold. +There are people bathing in the Serpentine at this moment, I suppose, +and apparently nothing can be done about it. They ju-just break the +ice and ju-jump in. And yet it is not their ice; it is the KING'S. +It seems to me that it ought to be made illegal, this breaking of +the KING's ice, like the breaking of windows in Whitehall. These +ice-breakers seem to me as bad as the people who say, "It's going to +be a nice old-fashioned Christmas, with Yule-logs and things." Not +that I object to Yule-logs. I have some in my own Yule-shed, hand-sawn +by myself, though I am not a good hand-sawyer. When I get about +halfway through, the saw begins to gnash its teeth and groan at me. +It seems to me that what is wanted is a machine for turning the logs +round and round while one holds the saw steady. But there is something +beautiful in burning the Yule-logs of one's own fashioning that makes +one feel like the sculptor when at last the living beauty has burst +forth under his chisel from the shapeless stone. Besides, they are +cheaper than coal. + +As I say, when people talk of "Yule-logs and things," it is not the +Yule-logs that I object to. It is the things. Nasty cold things like +clean shirts and collars and bedroom door-handles--there ought to be +hot water in bedroom door-handles--nasty cold things that make one say +"Ugh." I have a theory that the word "Ugh" was invented on some such +morning as this. Previously people had been contented with noises like +"Ouch" and "Ouf" and "Ur-r," though they realised how inadequate they +were. And then one day, one very cold 0/40 day, inspiration came +to the frenzied brain of a genius, and he wrote down that single +exquisite heart-cry and hurried it off to the printer. People knew +then that the supreme mating of sound and sense, which we have agreed +to call poetry, had once more been achieved. + +But I have wandered a little from the Serpentine. Has it ever struck +you what people who bathe in the Serpentine on days like this are like +during the rest of the year? + +Suppose it is a balmy spring morning, a mild temperate afternoon in +early summer, a soft autumn twilight when everyone else is happy and +content, what are they doing then? Positively bathed in perspiration, +groaning under the burden of the sun, mopping their shining foreheads +and putting cabbage-leaves under their hats. And then at last comes +the day they have longed for and looked forward to all through the +twelve-months' heat-wave, a beautiful day forty degrees below the +belt. They spring out of bed and fling wide the casement. That is +what they intend to do, at least. As a matter of fact, of course, +it is stuck, and they have to bash it out with a bolster, sending the +icicles clinking into the basement. "Delicious!" they say, leaning out +and breathing deep. Then they chip a piece of ice out of the water-jug +with a hammer, rub it on their faces and begin to shave. + +They shave in their cotton pyjamas, with bare feet, humming a song. +Then they put on old flannels and a blazer, wrap a towel round their +neck, light a cigarette, pick up a mattock and stroll to Hyde Park. +When they get there they feloniously break the KING'S ice. Then they +"ugh." The mere thought of these people ughing with a great splash +into the Serpentine makes me feel ill. When I think of them afterwards +sitting lazily on the bank and letting the blizzard dry their hair, +basking in the snow for an hour or two and reading their morning +paper, and every now and then throwing a snowball or a piece of "ugh" +into the water, I hate them. Nobody ought to be allowed to bathe in +the Serpentine on days like this except the swans, who paddle all +night to hold the ice at bay. I wonder if I could get a swan and keep +it in the water-jug. + +Half-past eight? Yes, I did hear, thank you. I am really going to get +up very soon now. + +What I am going to do is to make one tiger-like leap--tiger-like leap, +I say--for the bathroom door and turn the hot-water tap full on until +the whole of the upper part of the house is filled with steam. + +I am going to do it this very moment. I--yes--ugh. + +Now I come to think of it a tiger-like leap would be quite the wrong +idea. I am glad I did not do it. Tigers are not cold when they leap. +"Tiger, tiger, burning bright." Tiger, tiger---- + +What did you say? A quarter to nine? What? And the water-pipes frozen? +_Are_ they? + +Thankugh. + +K. + + * * * * * + + "WIDOW KISSED BY BURGLAR. + + ADVENTURE WITH A SOFT-VOICED GIANT. + + The gurglar took nothing away with him." _Scots Paper._ + +"Gurglar" seems the _mot juste_. + + * * * * * + + "---- CLUB. Monthly medal competition. Returns:-- + + Gross. Hep. Nett. + F. Slicer 92 8 84 + W. H. Putter 103 16 87" + + _Provincial Paper_. + +If only the Judicious HOOKER had been playing he might have downed +them both. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM. + +_Mother_ (_trying to calm her lachrymose offspring_). "'ERE, +ALBERT--LOOK AT THE PRETTY FISHES."] + + * * * * * + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE PIG. + + The way in which he eats and drinks + Is so extremely crude + That nearly everybody thinks + The pig enjoys his food. + + But when I see how very fast, + Without one single chew, + He gobbles up his huge repast, + I'm sure it isn't true. + + Far nobler than your Uncle Joe, + Who simply sits and sits, + Revolving, gluttonous and slow, + The more attractive bits; + + Far nobler than your Uncle Dick, + Who likes the choicest food, + And, if he doesn't have the pick, + Is very, very rude; + + The pig has not a word to say + To subtleties of taste; + He eats whatever comes his way + With admirable haste. + + In fact, the pig may well resent + The insult to his line + When certain of the affluent + Are said to eat like swine. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + "None are much better than others, and some are much worse."--_New + Zealand Paper._ + +We fear the writer is a pessimist. + + * * * * * + +TAFFY THE FOX. + +[Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY has complained of the war-time efforts of the +POET LAUREATE, and desires the appointment of a national bard whose +mind is more attuned to the soul of the British nation. Recent +political events are not of course a very inspiring subject for +serious verse, but we have tried to do our feeble best here in faint +imitation of one of the manners of Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD.] + + Safe and snug from the wind and rain + In a thick of gorse with a tranquil brain + The fox had slept, and his dreams were all + Of the wild Welsh hills and the country's call; + He slept all night in the Wan Tun Waste, + He woke at dawn and about he faced, + He flexed his ears and he flaired the breeze + And scratched with his foot some poor wee fleas; + He sat on his haunches, doubted, stood; + To his left were the lairs of his native wood, + The deep yew darkness of Cowall Itchen; + He flaired, I say, with his nostrils twitching + Till he smelt the sound of the Fleet Street stunt + And over the hillside came the Hunt. + + * * * * * + + Over the hillside, clop, clip, clep, + And the dappled beauties, Ginger and Pep, + Live Wire, Thruster, Fetch Him and Snatch Him, + They were coming to bite him and pinch him and scratch him, + Whimpering, nosing, scenting his crimes, + The Evening News and The Morning Times. + "Yooi! On to him! Yooi there!" Hounds were in; + He slunk like a ghost to the edge of the whin; + "Hark! Holloa! Hoick!" They were on his trail. + + * * * * * + + The huntsman, Alfred, rode The Mail, + A bright bay mount, his best of prancers, + Out of Forget-me-not by Answers. + A thick-set man was Alf, and hard; + He chewed a straw from the stable-yard; + He owned a chestnut, The Dispatch, + With one white sock and one white patch; + And had bred a mare called Comic Cuts; + He was a man with fearful guts. + So too was Rother, the first whip, + Nothing could give this man the pip; + He rode The Mirror, a raking horse, + A piebald full of points and force. + All that was best in English life, + All that appealed to man or wife, + Sweet peas or standard bread or sales + These two men loved. They hated Wales. + + * * * * * + + The fox burst out with a flair of cunning, + He ran like mad and he went on running; + He made his point for the Heroes' Pleasance, + By Hang Bill Copse, where he roused the pheasants. + They rose with a whirr and kuk, kuk, kukkered; + The fox ran on with a mask unpuckered + By Boshale Stump and Uttermost Penny, + Where the grass was short and the tracks were many. + He tried the clay and he tried the marl, + A workman's whippet began to snarl; + Into the Dodder a splash he went; + All that he cared was to change the scent, + And half of the pack from the line he shook + By paddling about in the Beaver Brook. + + * * * * * + + He swerved to the left at Maynard Keynes, + With an eye to sheep and an eye to drains; + By Old Cole Smiley and Clere St. Thomas, + Without any stops and without any commas; + At Addison's Cots he went so quick, + He startled a bricklayer laying a brick; + He ran over oats and he ran over barleys, + By Moss Cow Puddle and Rushen Parleys; + By Lympne Sassoon and Limpet Farm + He scattered the geese in wild alarm; + He ran with a pain growing under his pinny + Till he heard the sound of a war-horse whinny, + And tried for an earth in the Tory Holts. + + * * * * * + + The earth was stopped. It was barred with bolts. + + * * * * * + + He turned again and he passed Spen Valley, + By Paisley Shawls and Leamington Raleigh; + His flanks were wet, he was mire-beslobbered + By Hatfield Yew and by Hatfield Robert; + He tried a hen-coop, he tried a tub, + He tried the National Liberal Club-- + A terrier barked and turned him out. + + * * * * * + + He tried the end of an old drain-spout. + + * * * * * + + It was much too small. With a bursting heart + He thought of the home where he made his start; + His flanks were heaving, his soul despairing, + He flaired again--he was always flairing + To find the best way of escape and nab it, + He couldn't get out of this flairing habit; + He felt at his back the fiery breath + Of the Kill Gorge pack that had vowed his death; + He turned once more for the shelter good + Of the Wan Tun Waste and the dark yew wood, + The deep yew fastness of Cowall Itchen + And the scuts and heads of hens in his kitchen. + The hounds grew weak and The Mail was blowing; + Rother said, "Alf, this is bad going!" + Past Pemberton Billing, past Kenworthy, + He shook them off, he was damp and earthy; + By Molton Lambert and Platting Clynes---- + But I can't go on with these difficult lines. + + * * * * * + + The night closed down and the hunt was dead, + Alfred and Rother were tucked in bed; + The cold moon rose on a fox's snore + And everything much as it was before. + + Evoe. + + * * * * * + +Our Erudite Contemporaries. + + "'Her feet beneath her petticoat like little mice peep in and out.' + + Yes, but when Bobbie Burns wrote that the lassies of Scotland + didn't wear Louis heels and extremely short skirts."--_Ladies' + Paper._ + +Any more than they did when Sir JOHN SUCKLING apostrophised the "wee, +sleekit, cow'rin', tim'rous beastie." + + * * * * * + +Our Sleuths. + + "A Sheffield firm of solicitors have, this week, had stolen from + one of the pegs in the hall an overcoat belonging to one of the + principals. The solicitor concerned is of the opinion that someone + removed it between his arrival at the office the other morning + and going to find it in the evening, when it was + missing."--_Provincial Paper_. + + * * * * * + +The Sandringham Hat. + + "Many women are making surprise presents of hats to their + husbands, and will take great pleasure in seeing them worn for the + first time on Christmas Day."--_Daily Mail_. + +We understand that it will be the quietest Christmas on record, many +family men having decided to spend the day in the seclusion of their +own homes. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE--] + +[Illustration: --ABOUT SWITZERLAND IS--] + +[Illustration: --THE COMPLETE CHANGE--] + +[Illustration: --FROM LONDON LIFE--] + +[Illustration: --AND ALL THAT--] + +[Illustration: --NEEDLESS DRESSING-UP."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Doris._ "BUT, JIMMY, I THOUGHT YOU CAME TO BUY A +PRESENT FOR DADDY?" + +_Jimmy._ "YES, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIS, I _AM_ DOING. HE M'NOPOLISED +MY ENGINE LAST CHRISTMAS; I THOUGHT HE'D LIKE ONE FOR HIMSELF THIS +YEAR."] + + * * * * * + + +THE HUMOURIST. + +"Here's Alan," said Cecilia; "good." + +"Really," I said, stopping and bowing slightly in several directions, +"I am touched. Such a reception.... I find no words----" + +"Don't be funny," said Margery cuttingly, "we shan't laugh. What we +want to know is what are you going to do?" + +"Well," I said, "I did think of sitting by the fire and--er--just +watching it burn." + +"Oh, dear," said Margery, "please don't be dense. I mean, what are you +going to do at the show?" + +I passed my hand over my eyes. + +"I'm sorry," I said; "I'm afraid I don't.... Have I been to sleep for +ten years or anything?" + +"Tell him," said Margery impatiently. "You'll have to start right at +the beginning." + +I sat down expectantly. + +"Well," began Cecilia, "Christmas is coming and we shall be full up." + +"Of course, of course," I murmured deprecatingly. "You want me to get +some medicine ready for you?" + +"I mean the house will be full up," explained Cecilia coldly. +"The point is we must arrange something beforehand--some sort of +entertainment." + +"Good heavens," I said, "you're not going to hire the Sisters +Sprightly or anything, are you?" + +"No, we are not," said Cecilia; "not the Sisters Sprightly nor the +Brothers Bung. We are going to do it ourselves." + +"What--a Sisters Sprightly Act? Have a little shame, Cecilia. What +will Christopher think when he sees his mother in a ballet skirt, +kicking about all over the drawing-room?" + +"He'd think I looked very nice," said Cecilia hotly, "if I was going +to wear one; but I'm not." + +"Not going to wear a ballet skirt?" I said. "You surely don't mean to +appear in----" + +"We're not going to do a Sisters Sprightly turn at all," shouted +Margery: "nobody ever thought of them but you." + +"Then I give it up," I said helplessly; "I quite understood you to +say---- Then what are you going to do, anyway?" + +"Well, we thought at first we'd do a play, but there were difficulties +in the way." + +"Too true," I said; "none of us can act to begin with." + +"Speak for yourself," said Margery. + +"Pardon, Miss Thorndike," I apologised. + +"No, the difficulty is that we haven't really room for theatricals. +We should have to use the drawing-room, and by the time you've got +a stage and scenery and rooms for changing, well, there's simply no +space left for the audience," explained Cecilia. + +"That's no objection at all," I said; "rather an advantage, in fact." + +"And anyhow," continued Margery, "we haven't got a play to do." + +"And so," said Cecilia, "we've decided to have a concert party." + +I gasped. + +"Not a concert party," I implored. + +"Yes," said Cecilia, "a costume concert party. It isn't any use groaning +like that. It's all arranged. Sheila and Arthur Davies, Margery, John, +you and I are in it. The question is what are you going to do?" + +"Nothing. I never heard of such a horrible idea." + +"Don't be a pig, Alan," said Margery. + +"Really, Cecilia," I said, "let me plead with you. _Not_ a costume +concert party, please. A simple glee perhaps--just four of us--in +evening dress; or even a conjurer. I'll agree to anything. But not, +_not_ Pierrots, Cecilia." + +"Pierrots it is," said Cecilia defiantly. + +"Then I wash my hands of it. To think that our family----" + +"You can wash your hands if you like," said Cecilia; "we should prefer +it, in fact; but you are certainly going to take part." + +I know the futility of arguing with Cecilia. + +"Then tell me the worst," I begged; "what am I to be? Can I show +people to their seats, or am I the good-looking tenor with gentlemanly +features and long hair?" + +"We thought of making you the funny man," said Cecilia. + +I buried my head in my hands and shuddered. + +At this moment John came into the room. "Talking about the 'Merry +Maggots'?" he said. "Splendid idea of Cecilia's, isn't it? I've just +been thinking it over, and what we must decide on first of all is who +is to be the--the humourist. He's the really important man; must be +someone really first-class." + +"We've also been discussing it," I said quickly, "and we came to the +conclusion that there's only one man for the job--yourself." + +John nodded complacently. + +"I'm glad to hear you say so, because I was going to suggest it +myself. It's my belief that I should be a devilish funny fellow if I +had a chance. I've just tried a few jokes on myself upstairs, and I've +been simply roaring with laughter. Haven't enjoyed myself so much for +years." + +"Splendid fellow!" I said heartily; "you shall tell them to me later +on and I'll roar with laughter too. Cecilia, put your husband down for +the funny man." + +"H'm--humourist," corrected John with a slight cough. + +"'Humourist,'" I agreed; "and thank goodness that's settled." + +"But," said Cecilia, "you said you were going to do a dramatic +recitation." + +"So I am, so I am," said John; "I'm going to do that as well. +Contrast, my dear Cecilia. Laughter and tears. Double them up with +sly wit one moment and have them sobbing into their handkerchiefs the +next. I'm going to do it all, Cecilia." + +"So it appears," said Cecilia; "it hardly seems worth while to have +anybody else in the show." + +"Now, now," said John, wagging his forefinger at her, "no jealousy. +You ought to be glad to have someone really good in the party. _Good_ +funny men aren't to be found just anywhere." + +"But we don't know that you _are_ a good funny man," said Margery. + +"Of course you don't," said John; "I've never had a chance to prove +it. For years I have been kept in the background by your family. I'm +never allowed to make a joke, and if I do nobody laughs. This is my +chance. I'm going to be in the limelight now. I shall be the life of +the party, and it's no good trying to stop me. In fact," he finished +confidentially, "I shan't be surprised if I take it up professionally. +You should have heard me laughing upstairs." + +"But, John," began Margery. + +"Sh--!" said Cecilia; "it's no use arguing with him while he's in this +mood. That's all right, John. You shall be everything you like. But +as you've selected such a lot of parts for yourself perhaps you'll +suggest what we can do with Alan." + +"Ah," said John; "Alan! Yes, he's a problem, certainly. If he had +any voice, now. I'm not sure that we want him at all. Could he do a +clog-dance, do you think?" + +"Don't worry," I interrupted; "I've thought of a fine part for me. All +the best concert parties have a chap who sits in the corner and does +nothing but look miserable. I could do that splendidly." + +"That's quite true," said John approvingly; "it tickles the audience, +you know, to see a fellow looking glum while everyone else is having +hysterics at the funny--at the humourist. It isn't as easy as it +looks, though, Alan. I shall keep saying things to make you laugh, you +know. You'll find it jolly difficult to keep looking miserable once +I get going." + +"Not at all," I said. "That is, I shall do my best to keep serious. +I shall try not to listen to you being funny." + +John looked at me and considered whether it was worth following up. He +decided it was not. + +"I daresay he'll do," he said loftily to Cecilia; "the fellow has no +sense of humour anyway." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "So long, old chap! I'm off to Charing Cross." +"Hospital, I presume."] + + * * * * * + + +Commercial Modesty. + + "This system develops such valuable qualities as:-- + + --Forgetfulness + --Mind Wandering + --Brain Fag + --Indecision + --Dullness + --Shyness + --Timidity + --Weakness of Will + --Lack of System + --Lack of Initiative + --Indefiniteness + --Mental Flurry." + + _Advt. in Sunday Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "It is announced that, starting with next week, 'Ways and means' + and 'Common Sense' will be amalgamated." + + _Evening Paper_. + +Will the Government please note? + + * * * * * + + "Army biscuits, suitable for bed-chair cushions. 3s. reserve. + ----'s Auction Sale." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +They seem to have lost something of their war-time hardihood. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Small Boy._ "I SAY, ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WITH A BIT +MORE BUCK IN IT THAN THIS LEMONADE?"] + + * * * * * + +PUSS AT THE PALACE. + +[_The Daily Telegraph_, in a report of the Cat Show at the Crystal +Palace, remarks that "the cat has 'come back' as a hobby."] + + O ALL ye devoted cat-lovers, + Ere spending the cheques you have cashed, + Leave a trifle for tickets to enter the wickets + That ope on the Temple of Pasht. + + For to-day in the Palace of PAXTON + Cats gathered from every zone-- + Manx, Persian, Sardinian, Chinese, Abyssinian-- + Are now being splendidly shown. + + The names of the winners and owners + Inspire me with joy and delight; + _E.g._, Blue-eyed Molly, John Bull (Madame Dolli) + And Snowflake, the champion white. + + And then the adorable kittens! + Too high-bred to gambol or skip, + With names that are mighty, like Inglewood Clytie, + Or comic, like Holme Ruddy Pip. + + It is pleasant to learn Mr. SHAKESPEARE'S + Success with his Siamese strain, + For his namesake the poet, so far as we know it, + Held "poor, harmless" puss in disdain. + + Yes, the cat has "come back" as a hobby, + Oh, let us be thankful for that, + For it might be the coon or the blue-nosed baboon, + Or the deadly Norwegian rat. + + * * * * * + +THE FINE OLD FRUITY. + +Wine merchants must be kind men. So many of those who have sent me +their circulars this Christmas-time have announced that they are +"giving their clients the benefit of some exceptionally advantageous +purchases which they have made." + +But it is not the humanity of wine merchants of which I wish to speak. +It is the intriguing epithets which they apply to their wines. And I +have entertained myself by applying these to my relatives, an exercise +which I find attended by the happiest results. + +"Fine old style, rich," is, of course, obvious. It applies to more +than one of my Victorian uncles. "Medium rich" to a cousin or so. More +subtle is "medium body." This must be Uncle Hilary; he takes little +exercise nowadays and his figure is suffering. Soon he will be +"full-bodied" or "full and round." "Elegant, high class" is my Cousin +Isabel. "Pretty flavour" also is hers. "Fresh and brisk" is Aunt +Hannah. And could anything be more descriptive of Aunt Geraldine than +"delicate and generous"? + +For "great breed and style" (used, I see, of a claret) I should, +I fear, be obliged to go outside the family; and "recommended for +present consumption and for laying down" I only mention because it +leaves me wondering to what other uses a fine fruity Burgundy could be +put. But here is a noble one: "Of very high class, stylish, good body +and fine character." I have tried this on several relations without +being entirely satisfied about it, and I have finally decided that +I shall keep it for myself. + + * * * * * + + "Only a few visitors braved the first fall of the snow yesterday + and adventured as far as the Zoological Gardens. They found there + a depressed-looking collection of animals in the open-air cages, + but a perfect holocaust of sparrows."--_Sunday Paper_. + +The sparrows must have been warm enough, anyway. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: VERDUN. + +LONDON (_to her adopted daughter_). "YOU WILL LET _ME_ PASS--TO YOUR +HEART?"] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Lord Chancellor._ "AND TO THINK IT WAS THE BEST +IRISH LINEN!"] + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +_Monday, December 13th._--Since the House of Lords took the bit in +its teeth and bolted with the Government of Ireland Bill the LORD +CHANCELLOR has practically thrown the reins on the creature's neck and +confined himself to occasional mild remonstrance when it kicked over +the Government traces. The most he could do when rival amendments were +put forward was to secure the passage of the less objectionable. Thus +when Lord SHANDON, for purely sentimental reasons--Ireland knew him as +"a most susceptible Chancellor"--desired that the unifying body should +be called a Senate Lord BIRKENHEAD laughed the proposal out of court +with the remark that "a man might as well purchase a mule with the +object of founding a stud," and persuaded the Peers to accept the word +"Council." He was at first inclined to oppose Lord WICKLOW'S amendment +providing that neither Irish Parliament should take private property +without compensation; but when he found that an old Home Ruler, Lord +BRYCE, was in favour of imposing this curb on Irish exuberance he, as +"a very young Home Ruler," gracefully withdrew his objection. + +Sir JOHN BAIRD revealed the names of the members of the Central +Control Board (Liquor Traffic). The muffled groans that followed the +announcement of the first of them, Mr. WATERS-BUTLER, were quite +uncalled for, as I understand that the gentleman in question preserves +a strict impartiality between two branches of his patronymic. + +Sir ERIC GEDDES was not too sympathetic to the complaints of +overcrowding on the suburban railways; but I cannot think that Mr. +MARTIN had fully thought out the consequences of his suggestion that +the right hon. gentleman should take a trip one night from Aldgate to +Barking and see for himself. Imagine the feelings of the strap-hangers +when Sir ERIC essayed "little by little" to wedge himself into their +midst. + +If the Opposition desired a really satisfactory discussion on the +origin of the fires in Cork it should have chosen some other spokesman +than Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY. The hon. and gallant gentleman was +less aggressive in manner than usual, but even so he encountered a +good many interruptions. He was answered in a characteristic speech by +Mr. CLAUDE LOWTHER; and the debate as a whole never rose much above +the level where it was left by these "Burnt Cork Comedians." + +_Tuesday, December 14th._--Despite the protests of Lord BRAYE, who +demanded full self-determination for Ireland, the Peers gave a Third +Reading to the Government of Ireland Bill. Lord CREWE so far modified +his previous attitude as to congratulate the Government on having held +on their course in the face of the discouraging events in Ireland, and +to express the hope that the measure would be worked for all it was +worth, though, in his lordship's estimation, it was not worth much. + +[Illustration: THE END OF THE OMNIBUS. + +_Conductor ADDISON._ "A NICE OLD MESS YOU'VE BEEN AND GONE AND MADE!" + +_Driver CURZON._ "_ME?_ IF _YOU_ HADN'T BEEN SO LATE IN TURNING OUT I +SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO CUT THINGS SO FINE."] + +The Ministry of Health Bill found the Peers in a much less +accommodating mood. Lord STRACHIE moved its rejection, chiefly on the +ground of the financial strain it would impose upon local authorities, +and was supported by Lord GALWAY, who thought it an insult to +Parliament to bring forward so ambitious a measure at the fag-end of +the Session. Lord CURZON vainly endeavoured to avert the coming storm +by accepting a suggestion that the Bill should be carried over till +next Session. The majority of the Peers were out for blood, and they +defeated the Second Reading by 57 to 41. Dr. ADDISON, from the steps +of the Throne, gloomily watched the overturn of his omnibus. It is +understood that, following the example of his distinguished namesake, +he is going to write to _The Spectator_ about Lord STRACHIE. + +So many of the Commons appeared to have anticipated the Christmas +holidays that Questions were run through at a great pace. Mr. HOGGE, +however, was in his place all right to know how it was, after all the +protestations of the Government, that an official motor-car containing +an officer and a lady had been seen outside a toy-shop in Regent +Street. "Mark how a plain tale shall set you down," said Mr. CHURCHILL +in effect. The officer was on his way from an outlying branch of the +War Office to an important conference in Whitehall; the lady was his +private secretary; the natural route of the car was _via_ Regent +Street, and the officer had merely seized the opportunity to pick up +a parcel. + +A Supplementary Estimate of six and a-half millions for the Navy gave +the economists their chance. Mr. G. LAMBERT could not understand why +we were employing more men at the dockyards than before the War, and +suggested that three or four of the yards might be sold. This proposal +was received with singularly little enthusiasm by most of the Members +for dockyard constituencies; but Sir B. FALLE (Portsmouth) handsomely +remarked that Chatham might well be leased for private enterprise. +The Member for Chatham was not present, or he would, no doubt, have +returned the compliment. + +_Wednesday, December 15th._--A less adventurous Minister than Mr. +CHURCHILL might have funked the task of justifying to a House of +Economists a Supplementary Army Estimate of forty millions. But he +boldly tackled the job, and proved to his own satisfaction that half +the liability was a mere book-entry, and the other half inevitable, +in view of the Empire's commitments. Sir CHARLES TOWNSHEND, in a +maiden speech which in the more flamboyant passages suggested the +collaboration of the EDITOR of _John Bull_, announced his intention +of supporting the Government "for all I am worth," and proceeded to +demonstrate that their policy in Mesopotamia had been wrong from start +to finish. + +_Thursday, December 16th._--I don't know whether the current rumours +of the PRIME MINISTER'S delicacy are put about by malignant enemies +who hope that Nature will accomplish what they have failed to achieve, +or by well-meaning friends who desire to convince the Aberystwith +Sabbatarians that Sunday golf is essential to his well-being. In his +answers to Questions this afternoon he showed no signs of failing +powers. When Mr. BILLING accused him of breaking his pledge that there +should be no more secret diplomacy he modestly replied that that was +not his but President WILSON'S phrase; and a little later he informed +the same cocksure questioner that a certain problem was "not so simple +as my hon. friend imagines most problems are." + +An inquiry about the Franco-British boundaries in the Holy Land led +the PRIME MINISTER to observe that the territory delimited was "the +old historic Palestine--Dan to Beersheba." It was, of course, a +mere coincidence that the next Question on the Paper related to the +destruction of calves, though not the golden kind. + +The quarter-deck voice in which Rear-Admiral ADAIR thundered for +information regarding the Jutland Papers so startled Sir JAMES CRAIG +that, fearing another salvo if he temporised with the question, he +promptly promised immediate publication. + +Despite a characteristic protest from Mr. DEVLIN, who, as Mr. BONAR +LAW observed, treats his opponents as if they were "not only morally +bad but intellectually contemptible," the House proceeded to consider +the Lords' Amendments to the Home Rule Bill, and dealt with them by +the time-honoured device of "splitting the difference." + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Dealer._ "WELL, THERE SHE IS, GUV'NOR, AN' YOURS AT A +ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE." + +_Farmer._ "NOA, THANKEE. I ONLY GOT POUND NOTES ON ME, YE SEE, AN' I +DOAN'T WANT TO BREAK INTO ANOTHER."] + + * * * * * + + "MALESWOMAN WANTED.--Competent to take charge of Millinery + establishment." + + _Trade Paper_. + +A sort of Mannequin, we presume. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _The Viking's Wife_ (_to husband, who is setting off to +raid the coast of Britain_). "GOOD-BYE, SIGURD DARLING. DON'T FORGET +WHAT I SAID ABOUT GETTING YOUR FEET WET. AND, BY THE WAY, I'M GREATLY +IN NEED OF A COOK-GENERAL, IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE ONE. BUT REMEMBER SHE +MUST BE CAPABLE AND PLAIN--NOT LIKE THE HUSSIES YOU USUALLY FETCH."] + + * * * * * + +A FOUL GAME. + +It is Christmas, and here is a nice little cricket story for the +hearth. The funny thing about it is that it is true. And the other +funny thing about it is that it was told to me by a huge Rugger +Blue called Eric. (I understand people can change their names at +Confirmation. Why don't they?) + +It was in a College match--not, I gather, a particularly serious one. +Eric and his friend Charles were playing for Balbus College against +Caramel College. Caramel had an "A" team out, and Balbus, I should +think, must have had about a "K" team ... anyhow, Eric and Charles +were both playing. Eric, as he modestly said, doesn't bat much, and +Charles doesn't bowl much. Eric said to Charles, "I bet you a fiver +you won't get six wickets." Charles said to Eric, "All right; and I +bet you a fiver you won't get a hundred runs." + +Then began a hideous series of intrigues. Caramel were to bat first, +and Eric went to the Balbus captain and said, "There's a sovereign[1] +for you if Charles doesn't go on to bowl _at all_." + + [Footnote 1: This is a pre-war story.] + +"Very well," said the captain, with a glance of sinister +understanding. "Wouldn't have anyhow," he added as he pocketed the +stake. + +Then Charles arrived. + +"Two pounds," said the captain. + +"What for?" said Charles. + +"For ten overs--four bob an over." + +"It's too much," said Charles; "but there's a sovereign for you if +Eric goes in ninth wicket down." + +"Very well," said the captain, with a glance of devilish cunning. +"It's only one lower than usual. Thank you." + +Acting on intuition and their knowledge of the captain, Eric and +Charles then hotly accused each other of bribery. Both confessed, +and it was agreed to start fair. Charles was to bowl first change and +Eric was to bat first wicket. The captain said he would want a lot of +bribing to go back on the original arrangement, especially if it meant +Charles bowling, but he would do it for the original price; and, as he +already held the money, Eric and Charles had to concede the point. + +By the way, I am afraid the captain doesn't come very well out of +this, and I'm afraid it is rather an immoral story; but my object is +to show up the evils of commercialism, so it is all right. + +Pallas Athene came down and stood by the bowler's umpire while Charles +was bowling, and he got five wickets quite easily. It was incredible. +The Caramel batsmen seemed to be paralysed. Then the last man came in, +and the first thing he did was to send up a nice little dolly catch to +Eric at cover-point. Eric missed it. When I say he missed it I mean he +practically flung it on the ground. Indeed he rather over-did it, and +the batsman, who was a sportsman and knew Charles, appealed to the +umpire to say he was really out. Pallas Athene grabbed the umpire by +the throat, and he said firmly that no catch had been made. + +Then the batsmen made a muddle about a run and found themselves in the +common but embarrassing position of being both at the wicket-keeper's +end. The ball had gone to Eric and he had only to throw it in to +Charles, who was bowling, for Charles to put the wicket down. But +in one of those flashes of inspiration which betray true genius he +realised that in the circumstances that was just what Charles would +_not_ do. Direct action was the only thing. So, ball in hand, he +started at high velocity towards the wicket himself. + +He was a Rugger Blue (I told you) and a three-quarter at that, so he +went fairly fast. However, the batsman saw that he had a faint hope +after all, and he ran too. It was an heroic race, but the batsman +had less distance to go. Eric saw that he was losing, and from a few +yards' range he madly flung the ball at the wicket. He missed the +wicket, but he hit Charles very hard on the shin, which was something. +I fancy he must have hit Pallas Athene as well, for with the very next +ball she gave Charles his sixth wicket. + +By this time the game had resolved itself into an Homeric combat +between the two protagonists, of which the main bodies of the Balbus +and Caramel armies were merely neutral spectators--neutral, that is, +so far as they had not been hired out for some dastard service by one +or other of the duellists. + +When Eric went in it was clear that Juno had come down to help him, +for he made three runs in eight balls without being bowled once. Then +Charles came in. His first ball he hit slowly between mid-off and +cover, and he called for a run. All unsuspecting, Eric cantered down +the pitch. When he was half-way Charles seemed to be seized with the +sort of panic which sometimes possesses a batsman. "No, no!" he cried. +"Go back! go back!" And he scuttled back himself. Juno fortunately +intervened and Eric just got home in time. But he realised now what he +was up against. His next ball he hit towards mid-wicket, and shouting +"Come on!" he galloped up the pitch. Charles came on gingerly, +expecting to be sent back, but Eric duly passed him; he then turned +round and just raced Charles back to the wicket-keeper's end. Charles +was only a Soccer Blue (and a goal-keeper at that), and Eric won. + +"After that," said Eric with his usual modesty, "it was easy." +Eyewitnesses, however, have told me more. Juno dealt with the Caramel +bowlers, but Eric had to compete with Charles. And Charles resorted to +every kind of devilish expedient. Nearly all the Balbus batsmen were +bribed to run Eric out, and whenever he hit a boundary Eric had to +stop and reason with them in the middle of the pitch. Sometimes he +tried to outbid Charles, but he usually found that he couldn't afford +it. So he collared the bowling as much as possible and tried not to +hit anything but boundaries. Juno helped him a good bit in that way. + +When he had made seventy he got a ball on the knee. Charles ran out +and offered to run for him, but Eric said he could manage, thank you. +Then Charles went and walked rapidly up and down in front of the +screen; but Eric wasn't the sort of batsman who minded that. + +At about ninety, Eric's knee was pretty bad, so he called out for +somebody to run for him--_not_ Charles. Five of Charles's hirelings +rushed out of the pavilion, but the captain said he would go himself, +as that wasn't fair. Besides, he had money on Eric himself. + +At this point I gather that Pallas Athene must have deserted Charles +altogether, for he seems to have entertained for a moment or two the +ignoble notion of tampering with the scorer. I am glad to be able to +say that even the members of the Balbus College "K." Team, eaten up +as they were by this time with commercialism, declined to be parties +to that particular wickedness. With every circumstance of popular +excitement Eric's hundredth run--a mis-cue through the slips--was +finally made, scored and added up. In fact, he carried his bat. + +"So you were all square," I said, not without admiration. + +"By no means," said Eric. "It cost me forty shillings." + +"And Charles?" + +"It cost him seven pounds." + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +"SUGGESTIONS." + +A WARNING. + +Entering as we are upon the season of games, it might be well to +utter an urgent appeal to hostesses not to play "Suggestions." For +"Suggestions," though it may begin as a game, is really a wrangle. +Under the guise of a light-hearted pastime it offers little but +opportunities for misunderstanding, general conversation, allegations +of unfairness, and disappointment. + +"Suggestions" ought to be played like this: You sit in a semicircle +and the first player says something--anything--a single word. Let us +suppose it is (as it probably will be in thousands of cases) "MARGOT." +The next player has to say what "MARGOT" suggests--"reticence," for +example--and the next player, shutting his mind completely to the word +"MARGOT," has to say what "reticence" suggests--perhaps _Grimaud_, +in _The Three Musketeers_--and the fourth player has to disregard +"reticence" and announce whatever mental reaction the name of +_Grimaud_ produces. It maybe that he has never heard of _Grimaud_ and +the similarity of sound suggests only GRIMALDI the clown. Then he +ought to say, "GRIMALDI the clown," which might in its turn suggest +"melancholy" or "the circus." All the time no one should speak but the +players in their turn, and they should speak instantly and should say +nothing but the thing that is honestly suggested by the previous word. +At the end of, say, a dozen rounds the process of unwinding the coil +begins, each player in rotation taking part in the backward process +until "MARGOT" is again reached. + +That is how the game should be played. + +This is how it _is_ played:-- + +_First Player._ Let me see; what shall I say? + +_Various other Players_ (_together_). Surely there's no difficulty in +beginning? Say "anything," etc., etc. + +_A Player_ (_looking round_). Say--say "fireplace." + +_First Player._ But that's so silly. + +_Master of Ceremonies_ (_who wishes he had never proposed the game_). +It doesn't matter. All that is needed is a start. + +_Another player._ Say "MARGOT." + +(_Roars of laughter._) + +_All._ Oh, yes, say "MARGOT." + +_First Player._ Very well, then--"MARGOT." + +(_More laughter._) + +_Second Player_ (_trying to be clever_). "Reticence." + +(_Shouts of laughter._) + +_Other Players._ How could "MARGOT" suggest "reticence"? + +_M. C._ Never mind; the point is that it did. Now then--and please +everyone be silent--now, then, Third Player? + +_Third Player._ "Audacity." + +_M. C._ I'm afraid you're not playing quite fairly. You see +"reticence" cannot suggest "audacity." The First Player's word not +impossibly might. Could it be that you were still thinking of that? + +_Third Player._ I'm sorry. But "reticence" doesn't suggest anything. + +_Other Players_ (_together_). Oh, yes, it does--"silence," "grumpiness," +"oysters," "Trappists." + +_M. C._ If a word suggests nothing whatever to you, you should say, +"Blank mind." + +_Third Player._ Ah, but I've thought of something now--"reticule." + +(_Roars of laughter._) + +_M. C._ It's all right. That's how the mind does work. Now, next +player. + +_Fourth Player._ Have I got to say something that "reticule" suggests? + +_M. C._ That's the idea--yes. + +_A Player._ Say "vanity-bag." + +_Another Player._ Say "powder-puff." + +(_Roars of laughter._) + +_M. C._ Please, please--either the game is worth playing or it isn't. +If it is worth playing it is worth playing seriously, and then you can +get some very funny effects--it's a psychological exhibition; but if +other players talk at the same time and try to help it's useless. Now, +next player, please. The word is "reticule." + +_Fourth Player_ (_after a long silence_). "Bond Street." + +_Fifth Player._ Ah, "Bond Street"! That's better. That suggests +heaps of things. Which shall I choose? "Chocolates"? No. "Furs"? No. +"Diamonds"? No. Oh, yes--"Old Masters." + +_M. C._ (_with resignation_). But you know you mustn't select. The whole +point of the game is that you must say what comes automatically into +your mind as you hear the word. + +_Fifth Player._ I'm sorry. Shall I go back to "diamonds"? + +_M. C._ No; you had better stick to "Old Masters." + +_Fifth Player._ "Old Masters." + +_Sixth Player_ (_deaf_). What did you say--"mustard-plasters"? + +_Fifth Player._ No; "Old Masters." + +_Sixth Player._ I've heard of new men and old acres, but I've never +heard of Old Pastures. What are they? + +_Fifth Player_ (_shouting_). No, no; "Old Masters." Pictures of the Old +Masters--RAPHAEL, TITIAN. + +_Sixth Player._ Ah, yes! "Old Masters." Well, that suggests to me---- +Yes (_triumphantly_), "the National Gallery." + +_Seventh Player_ (_who has been waiting sternly_). "Trafalgar Square." + +_Eighth Player_ (_instantly_). "NELSON." + +_Ninth Player_ (_even more quickly_). "NELSON KEYS." + +_M. C._ (_beaming_). That's better. It's going well now. + +_Tenth Player._ "England expects----" + +_Ninth Player._ No, you can't say that. I could have said that, but +you can't. + +_Tenth Player._ Why not? + +_Ninth Player._ Because "NELSON" is all over and done with. The +new name is "NELSON KEYS." You ought to have thought of something +connected with him. + +_Tenth Player._ If you'd said "KEYS" I might have done. But you said +"NELSON KEYS," and the "NELSON" touched a spot. Isn't that right? + +_M. C._ Quite right. It's the only way to play. But may I once more +ask that there should be no talking? We shall never be able to unwind +if there is. Now, please--"England expects----" + +_Eleventh Player._ "Duty." + +_Twelfth Player._ "Bore." + +_Thirteenth Player._ "The Marne." + +(_Cries of astonishment._) + +_Various Players._ How can "bore" suggest "the Marne"? + +_M. C._ But it did. You mustn't mind. + +_Twelfth Player._ How did it? Just for fun I'd like to know. + +_Thirteenth Player._ Well, when I was on the Marne I used to see the +marks on the ground made by them. + +_Twelfth Player._ By who? + +_Thirteenth Player._ The wild boars. + +(_Roars of laughter._) + +_Twelfth Player._ But I meant that duty is a bore--b-o-r-e. + +_M. C._ (_frantic_). It doesn't matter. It's what you think--not what +is--in this game. But really we're in such a muddle, wouldn't it be +better to begin again? You all know the rules now. + +_Hostess._ Perhaps "Clumps" might be better, don't you think? + +_M. C._ Just as you like. "Clumps," then. + +_The Deaf Player._ What is the word now? + +_A Player._ We're going to play "Clumps" instead. + +_The Deaf Player._ Mumps in bed? I'm sure I don't know what that +suggests. That's very difficult. But I like this game. It ought to be +great fun when we unwind. + +(_They separate for "Clumps."_) + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Fruiterer._ "ROYALTY 'ISSELF, MADAM, COULDN'T WISH FOR +A BETTER PINEAPPLE THAN THAT." + +_Newly-rich Matron._ "WELL, IF ROYALTY CAN BITE 'EM I S'POSE I CAN. +I'LL 'AVE IT."] + + * * * * * + +Headline to an article on ladies' fashions:-- + + "STOCKINGS COMING DOWN." + +This should make the hosiers pull up their socks. + + * * * * * + + "Several reasons, besides the claims of humanity, made the + Eugenist favour schemes for abolishing the eugenist."--_Daily + Paper._ + +We are inclined to agree with the Eugenist. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: AT A FAT STOCK SHOW. + +"THEY'RE TWO SMART 'OGS, I ADMIT. BUT LOOK AT THE PRICE O' +FOOD-STUFFS. YOU KNOW YERSELF IT DON'T PAY ANYONE TO FEED THESE +DAYS."] + + * * * * * + +MISPLACED BENEVOLENCE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--From your earliest years you have preached sound and +wholesome doctrine on the duty of man to birds and beasts. Indeed, +I remember your pushing it to extreme lengths in a poem entreating +people not to mention mint-sauce when conversing with a lamb. Still, +I wonder whether even you would approve of the title of an article +in _Nature_ on "The Behaviour of Beetles." Of course I know that +"behaviour" is a colourless word, still I am rather inclined to doubt +whether beetles know how to behave at all. I may be prejudiced by my +own experiences, but they certainly have been unfortunate. They began +early--at my private school, to be precise. I shall never forget the +conversation I had, when a new boy, with a sardonic senior who, after +putting me through the usual catechism, asked me what I was going to +be. I replied that I had not yet decided, whereupon my tormentor, +after looking at my feet, which I have never succeeded in growing +up to, observed, "Well, if I were you, I think I should emigrate to +Colorado and help to crush the beetle." Later on in life I was the +victim of a cruel hoax, carried out with triumphant ingenuity by a +confirmed practical joker, who with the aid of a thread caused what +appeared to be a gigantic blackbeetle to perform strange and unholy +evolutions in my sitting-room. Worst of all, I was victimised by the +presence of a blackbeetle in a plate of clear soup served me at +my club. I backed my bill, but it was too late, for I am very +shortsighted. + +No, Mr. Punch, I am prepared to discuss the Ethics of Eels, the +Altruism of Adders, the Piety of Pintails, or even the Benevolence of +Bluebottles, but (to deviate into doggerel)-- + + "Let LANKESTERS, LUBBOCKS and CHEATLES + Dilate with a rapturous bliss + On the noble behaviour of beetles-- + _I_ give them a miss." + +I am, Mr. Punch, with much respect, + + Yours faithfully, + PHILANDER BLAMPHIN. + + * * * * * + +THREE TRAGEDIES AND A MORAL. + + There was an imperious old Sage + Who upheld the dominion of Age, + But his son, a grim youth, + Red in claw and in tooth, + Shut him up in a chloroformed cage. + + There was also a Child full of beans + Who bombarded nine great magazines, + But not one of the nine + Ever published a line, + For the Child was not yet in its teens. + + There was thirdly, to round off these rhymes, + A Matron who railed at the crimes + Of designers of frocks + Who in smart fashion "blocks" + Left middle-age out of _The Times_. + + The moral--if morals one seeks + In an age of sensation and shrieks-- + Is this: Even still + Things are apt to go ill + With old, young and middle-aged freaks. + + * * * * * + +Our Erudite Contemporaries. + + "The Grecian women were forbidden entrance to the stadium where + the [Olympic] games were being held, and any woman found therein + was thrown from the Tarpeian rock." + + _Canadian Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The French are thinking of building straw houses to remedy the + present housing crisis. The first straw house has already been + built at Montargis."--_Evening Paper._ + +Where, presumably, they are trying it on the well-known local Dog. + + * * * * * + + "Negotiating the intricate traffic of the City was quite easy, the + engine being responsive to the slightest touch of the steering + wheel. It is just the car for the owner-driver." + + _Financial Paper._ + +Our chauffeur agrees. He says _he_ wouldn't undertake to drive it down +the village street, let alone the City. + + * * * * * + + "IS SINGING ON THE DECLINE? + A GREAT TENOR'S ADVICE. + 'NEVER FIGHT AGAINST THE BRASS.'" + +_Morning Paper._ + + +It is, we believe, the experience of most impresarios that great +tenors almost invariably fight _for_ the brass. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "QUICK, MUMMIE! COME AND HELP BOBBIE--HE'S FALLEN INTO +THE LUCKY DIP."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +So charged is it with liable-to-go-off controversy that I should +hardly have been astonished to see Mr. H. G. WELLS'S latest volume, +_Russia in the Shadows_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), embellished with +the red label of "Explosives." Probably everyone knows by now the +circumstances of its origin, and how Mr. WELLS and his son are (for +the moment) the rearguard in that long procession of unprejudiced +and undeceivable observers who have essayed to pluck the truth about +Russia from the bottom of the Bolshevist pit. What Mr. WELLS found is +much what was to be expected: red ruin, want and misery unspeakable. +The difference between his report and those of most of his forerunners +is that, being (as one is apt to forget) a highly-trained writer, he +is able to present it with a technical skill that enormously helps +the effect. Our author having been unable to deny the shadow, like +everyone else save perhaps the preposterous Mr. LANSBURY, the only +outstanding question is who casts it. The ordinary man would probably +have little hesitation about his answer to that. Mr. WELLS has even +less. He unhesitatingly names you and me and the French investors and +several editors. Well, I have no space for more than an indication of +what you will find in this undeniably vigorous and vehement little +volume. But I must not forget the photographs. Some of these, of +devastated streets and the like, have rather lost their novelty. +Unfortunately, however, for Mr. WELLS as propagandist he has also +included a number of the most revealing portraits yet available of the +men who are hag-riding a once great nation to the abyss. I can only +say that for me those portraits put the finishing touch to Mr. WELLS'S +argument. They extinguish it. + + * * * * * + +The pictorial wrapper of _A Man of the Islands_ (HUTCHINSON) is +embellished with a drawing of a coffee-coloured lady in a costume that +it would be an under-statement to call curtailed, also (inset, as the +picture-papers say) the portrait of a respectable-looking gentleman in +a beard. In the printed synopsis that occupies the little tuck-in +part of the same wrapper you are promised "an entrancing picture +of breaking seas on lonely islands and tropical nights beneath the +palms." In other words Mr. H. DE VERE STACPOOLE as before. Lest +however you should suppose the insularity of this attractive +pen-artist to be in danger of becoming overdone, I will say at once +that the six tales from which the book takes its name occupy not much +more than a third of it, the rest being filled with stories of varied +setting bearing such titles as "The Queen's Necklace," "The Box of +Bonbons," and the like--all frankly to be grouped under the head of +"Financial Measures." This said, it is only fair to add that the +half-dozen _Sigurdson_ adventures--he was the Man of the Islands, a +bearded trader, murderer, pearl thief and what not--seem to me a group +of as rattling good yarns as of their kind one need wish to meet, +every one with some original and thrilling situation that lifts it far +above pot-boiling status. I could wish (despite anything above having +a contrary sound) that Mr. STACPOOLE had given us a whole volume with +that South Sea setting that so happily stimulates his fancy. + + * * * * * + +Mr. S. P. B. MAIS has not yet extricated himself from the groove into +which he has fallen. It is not a wholesome groove, and even if it were +I should not wish an author of his capacity to remain a perpetual +tenant of it. In _Colour Blind_ (GRANT RICHARDS) we are given the +promiscuous amours of a schoolmaster, a subject which has apparently a +peculiar attraction for Mr. MAIS. _Jimmy Penruddocke_, who tells the +story, left the Army and could not find a job until he was offered a +mastership at a public school. The school rather than _Jimmy_ has +my sympathies. There was nothing peculiarly alluring about this +philanderer to account for the devastating magnetism which he exerted +upon the female heart. To describe all this orgy of caresses could +hardly have been worth anyone's time and trouble; certainly it was +not worth Mr. MAIS'S. I say this with all the more assurance because, +greatly as I dislike the main theme of this novel, there are many good +things in it. There is, for example, _Mark Champernowne_ (_Jimmy's_ +friend), a finely and consistently drawn character, and there are +descriptive passages which are vividly beautiful and also some +delightful gleams of humour. I think that when Mr. MAIS'S sense of +humour has developed further he will agree with me that a man who +loved as promiscuously as _Jimmy_ and then wrote over three hundred +pages about it could, without much straining of the truth, be called a +cad. + + * * * * * + +For many reasons I could wish that England were China. It would be +nice, for instance, to address the HOME SECRETARY as "Redoubtable +Hunter of Criminals" and to call the Board of Exterior Affairs (if we +had one) "Wai-wo-poo." I should like my house also to be named "The +Palace of the Hundred Flowers." I think there are about a hundred, +though I have not counted them. But in China it is above all things +necessary to be an ancestor, and this may lead to complications if Mr. +G. S. DE MORANT, who appears to be much more at home with the French +and the Oriental idiom than the English, is to be trusted. _In the +Claws of the Dragon_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) describes the experiences of a +young lady named _Monique_, who married the Secretary to the Chinese +Embassy in Paris and was obliged, after visiting her relations-in-law, +to reconcile herself to the introduction of a second wife into the +family, in order that their notions of propriety might be respected +and an heir born to the line. When she had consented she returned to +Paris and wrote the following cablegram from her own mother's house: +"You have acted as a good son and a faithful husband. Bring back with +you the mother of our (_sic_) child." And so, the author evidently +feels, it all ended happily. His book is an interesting and amusing +presentment of an older civilisation, but if it won't strain the +_Entente_ I am bound to say that I disagree with his conclusions. + + * * * * * + +I fear it may sound an unkindly criticism, but my abiding trouble with +_Broken Colour_ (LANE) was an inability to get any of the characters, +with perhaps one exception, to come alive or behave otherwise than as +parts of a thoroughly nice-mannered and unsensational story. Perhaps +it was my own fault. Mr. HAROLD OHLSON (whose previous book I liked) +has obviously, perhaps a little too obviously, done his best for these +people. It is a tale of two rivalries: that for the heroine, between +the penniless artist-hero and a pound-full other; and that in the +breast of the p.a.h., between the flesh-pots of commerce and the +world-well-lost-for-Chelsea. It is typical of Mr. OHLSON'S care that, +though one would in such a situation nine times out of ten be safe +in backing Art for the double event, he makes so even a match of it +between _Hubert_ and _Ralph_ that he leaves the heroine ringing the +door-bell of the one immediately after kissing the other. You observe +that I was perhaps really more interested in the contest than +my opening words would suggest, but it was always in a detached +story-book way; except in the case of a mildly unsympathetic +secretary, represented as having spent too much time in the +contemplation of other persons' affluence, also as owning an +expensive-looking stick that made him long to be as rich as it caused +him to appear. I hate to think that there can have been anything here +to touch a chord in the reviewing breast, but the fact remains that +_Mr. Burnham_ stands out for me as the only genuinely human figure in +the book. + + * * * * * + +Blessed, no doubt, is the nation or the man without a history, but +blessed too is the biographer who has something definite to write +about. Mr. C. CARLISLE TAYLOR, in putting together his _Life of +Admiral Mahan_ (MURRAY), the American naval philosopher and prophet, +must have felt this keenly, for rarely can a man whose work was so +important that he simply had to have a biography have done so few +things of the kind that help to fill up a book. The Admiral not only +foresaw the great War before 1914; he even suggested definite details +of it--for instance, the loyalty of Italy to Western civilisation and +the final surrender of the German fleet; yet in himself, though the +writer draws an attractive picture of his home and religious life, +he was only a kindly Christian gentleman who lectured to a few naval +students. This is not the stuff to turn into a thrilling life-story, +yet his studies on _Sea-Power_ in relation to national greatness must +certainly be reckoned among the prime causes of world-war. They set +the Germans trying to outbuild the British fleet; more fortunately +they were an inspiration to naval enthusiasts in this country also. +Mr. TAYLOR has a pleasant chapter describing the immediate recognition +and welcome his hero received in England, while it has taken quite a +number of chapters to do justice to all the written tributes to his +genius that the energetic author has collected. Personally, if ever I +had been in doubt about it, I should have been quite willing to take +that genius for granted some time before the end, and could indeed +recommend the volume much more happily if it were reduced by about +half. It will be valuable mainly as a necessary work of reference. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Artist_ (_condescendingly_). "I DID THIS LAST SUMMER. +IT REALLY ISN'T MUCH GOOD." + +_Candid Friend._ "NO, IT CERTAINLY ISN'T. BUT WHO TOLD YOU?"] + + * * * * * + +Our Well-Informed Press. + + "At Kensington Palace the ground frost registered 9 deg. Fahr., + which represents 23 degrees below zero."--_Evening Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "WELLS HITS BACK AT CHURCHILL."--_Sunday Paper._ + +Not the Bombardier, as you might think, but BERT WELLS. + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's notes: + + Page 481: Tristan d'Acunha--this spelling also appears in the + previous issue of 'Punch'. + + Page 488: Single quote corrected to double quote. + + Page 493: Replaced missing double quote. + + Page 494: Replaced missing opening quote. + + Page 498: Removed extraneous closing quote. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +159, DECEMBER 22, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 19350.txt or 19350.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +https://www.gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: +https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + https://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + |