initial commit of ebook 19350HEADmain

46 files changed, 8220 insertions, 0 deletions

diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6833f05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/.gitattributes
@@ -0,0 +1,3 @@
+* text=auto
+*.txt text
+*.md text
diff --git a/19350-8.txt b/19350-8.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..04ce327
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-8.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2343 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+December 22, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 22, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2006  [eBook #19350]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 159, DECEMBER 22, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net/)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 19350-h.htm or 19350-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350/19350-h/19350-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350/19350-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+DECEMBER 22ND, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA. It is pointed out that the display of December meteors is
+more than usually lavish. Send a postcard to your M.P. about it.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE recently stated that the first prize he ever won
+was for singing. It is only fair to say that this happened in the
+pre-NORTHCLIFFE era.
+
+       * * *
+
+An elderly Londoner recalls a Christmas when the cold was so intense
+that in a Soho restaurant the ices froze.
+
+       * * *
+
+There has arrived at the Zoo a bird akin to the partridge and
+excellent for the table, but unable to fly. The very thing for the
+estate of a sporting profiteer.
+
+       * * *
+
+"What is the best fire preventative?" asks a weekly journal. The
+answer is, the present price of coal.
+
+       * * *
+
+The National Rat Campaign this year, we are told, was a great success.
+On the other hand we gather that several rats have threatened to issue
+a minority report.
+
+       * * *
+
+"There is nothing so enjoyable," says a newspaper correspondent, "as
+a trip across the water to Ireland." Except, of course, a trip back
+again.
+
+       * * *
+
+A number of Huns are receiving Iron Crosses through the post inscribed
+"Your Fatherland does not forget you." How like Germany! She won't
+even allow bygones to be bygones.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Let Christmas come," says a contemporary headline. We have arranged
+to do so.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Minneapolis judge rules that a man has the right to declare himself
+head of the household. Opinion in this country agrees that he has the
+right but rarely the pluck.
+
+       * * *
+
+"My faith in the League of Nations is not shaken," says Lord ROBERT
+CECIL. This is the dogged spirit which is going to make this country
+what it used to be.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It may yet be possible," according to the Water Power Resources
+Committee, "to harness the moon." This of course would depend upon
+whether Sir ERIC GEDDES would let them have it or not.
+
+       * * *
+
+Cinema stunt actors, says _The Manchester Guardian_, expect to be paid
+fifty pounds for a motor smash. It seems an injustice that ordinary
+pedestrians should have to take part in this sort of thing for
+nothing.
+
+       * * *
+
+The continued disappearance of notepaper from a well-known club has
+now been traced to a large female cat, and most of the paper has
+been recovered from her sleeping-basket. It is thought that she was
+probably preparing to write her memoirs.
+
+       * * *
+
+A burglar who broke into a private house near Hitchin helped himself
+to a good supper before leaving. It is pleasing to learn, however,
+that, judging by the disordered state in which the pantry was left,
+the Stilton cheese must have put up a splendid fight.
+
+       * * *
+
+It was most unfortunate that Mr. "FATTY" ARBUCKLE'S visit to London
+should have clashed with the Cattle Show at the Royal Agricultural
+Hall.
+
+       * * *
+
+During a recent revue performance in London the conductor accidentally
+turned over two pages of music at once and the orchestra suddenly
+ceased playing. Several words of the chorus were actually heard by
+those sitting in front before the mistake could be rectified.
+
+       * * *
+
+Green peas in excellent condition, says a contemporary, have been
+picked at Pentlow, Sussex. It serves them right.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Although Labour extremists are now much quieter it would take very
+little to set the ball of discontent into motion once again," states a
+writer in the Sunday Press. This being so, is it not rather unwise to
+let Christmas Day fall this year on the workmen's half holiday?
+
+       * * *
+
+We question the wisdom of drawing the attention of Parliament to the
+silence of the POET LAUREATE. If he is goaded into breaking it we
+shall know whom to blame.
+
+       * * *
+
+"If people at home only knew how grateful we are for _anything_ that
+is sent us," writes a lady from the island of Tristan d'Acunha.
+If they are as easily pleased as that, the idea of sending them
+Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY should not be lost sight of.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The Hexathlon," we read, "is a form of contest new to this country."
+Mind you get one for the children at Christmas.
+
+       * * *
+
+A new type of American warship is expected to be able to cross the
+Atlantic in a little over three days. It will be remembered that the
+fastest of the 1914 lot took nearly three years.
+
+       * * *
+
+Large numbers of Filipinos are resisting an edict requiring them to
+wear trousers. Unfortunately it is impossible to offer to accommodate
+them all in the ranks of the Chicago Scottish.
+
+       * * *
+
+Riverside residents remarked that just before the cold set in large
+flocks of seagulls passed up the Thames. Well, what did they expect?
+Flamingoes?
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. A. B. WALKLEY has remarked that a prejudice against actors is as
+old as the stage. It is satisfactory to think that it is no older and
+that in many cases it may be removed by a change of profession.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I never dreamed of anything like this when I invented the telephone,"
+said Dr. BELL after a demonstration. Neither as a matter of fact did
+we when we hired ours.
+
+       * * *
+
+Owing to the fact that Dr. BELL has experienced no unpleasantness
+during his stay over here, it is thought that the American genius who
+invented revues may now risk a visit to our shores.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is with the deepest sorrow that we record the death of F. H.
+Townsend, which occurred, without any warning, on December 11th. Their
+personal loss is keenly felt by his colleagues of the _Punch_ Table,
+to whom the fresh candour of his nature and his brave gaiety of
+spirit, not less than his technical skill and resourcefulness, were a
+constant delight and will remain an inspiration. As Art Editor he will
+be greatly missed by the many contributors who have been helped by his
+kindly counsel and encouragement. Of the gap that he leaves in the
+world of Art they are sadly conscious who followed and appreciated
+his fine work not only in the pages of _Punch_ but in his
+book-illustrations and in those appeals for charity to which he always
+gave freely of his best.
+
+To his nearest and dearest among the wide circle that loved him we ask
+leave to offer the sympathy of friends who truly share their grief.
+With them we mourn a life untimely closed, and great gifts lost to us
+while still in their fulness; but we take comfort in the thought that
+death touched him with swift and gentle hand, and that he died with
+harness on, as a man would choose to die.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+"THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT."
+
+IN AFFECTIONATE MEMORY OF F. H. TOWNSEND.
+
+Only a few days before the sudden tragedy which took from us our
+colleague of the _Punch_ Staff, he made me a small request, very
+characteristic of his kindly heart. It was that I should put in these
+pages a notice of _The Christmas Spirit_, the illustrated annual
+published in aid of the work of Talbot House ("Toc. H."), in which he
+had taken a practical interest. In carrying out his wish I want not
+only to plead in behalf of a good cause, but also to associate this
+appeal with the memory of one with whom for over fourteen years I have
+worked in close and happy comradeship.
+
+In case any reader of _Punch_ has yet to be introduced to the idea
+of Talbot House, let me explain that its purpose is to carry on in
+peace-time the work that was done by the original "Toc. H.," which
+from 1915 to 1918, under the management of the Rev. P. R. CLAYTON,
+M.C., Garrison Chaplain, provided the comforts of a club and
+rest-house at Poperinghe for soldiers passing to and fro in the
+deadly Salient of Ypres. Its objects--I quote from _The Christmas
+Spirit_--are:
+
+    "(1) To preserve among ex-Service men and to transmit to the
+    younger generation the traditions of Christian Fellowship and
+    Service manifested on Active Service.
+
+    (2) To offer opportunities for recreation and the making of
+    friendships to thousands of men who find life a difficult salient
+    to hold.
+
+    (3) To provide opportunities for men of all kinds to come together
+    in the Spirit of Service, to study, to discuss and, if possible,
+    to solve the problems of their time.
+
+    (4) To offer the help and happiness of club life at a low rate by
+    establishing clubs in many centres throughout the country as the
+    focus of the brotherhood."
+
+The noble work done by Talbot House in Poperinghe and Ypres was
+gratefully recognised by the scores of thousands of our troops whose
+needs it served in those hard days, but it was only when the War was
+over that its story was made known to the public at home in _Tales of
+Talbot House_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS), which received a warm welcome in
+the review columns of _Punch_. This was followed recently by _The
+Pilgrim's Guide to the Ypres Salient_ (REIACH), a little book compiled
+and written, as a labour of love, entirely by ex-Service men. Besides
+being actually a present-day guide to the Salient, it contains special
+articles illustrating the life that was there lived during the War by
+various branches of the service. And now we have the annual of "Toc.
+H."--_The Christmas Spirit_--to which the PRINCE OF WALES has given
+a foreword and a host of brilliant authors and artists have freely
+contributed. Here are RUDYARD KIPLING, STEPHEN GRAHAM, G. K.
+CHESTERTON, E. F. BENSON, IAN HAY, GILBERT FRANKAU, W. ROTHENSTEIN,
+"SPY," DERWENT WOOD, HEATH ROBINSON and, of _Punch_ artists, F. H.
+TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, G. L. STAMPA, GEORGE MORROW, G. D. ARMOUR,
+E. H. SHEPARD, "FOUGASSE," WALLIS MILLS and H. M. BATEMAN.
+
+The four contributions of F. H. TOWNSEND include a "first study" for
+a drawing that appeared recently in _Punch_ and a delightful sketch
+of "The Christmas Spirit," as typified by a St. Bernard dog from whose
+little keg of brandy a traveller, up to the neck in snow, is reviving
+himself.
+
+Out of the great scheme in whose aid this remarkable annual has been
+published have already sprung two Talbot Houses, one in Queen's Gate
+Gardens, and one in St. George's Square. There is still need of a main
+headquarters in London and hostels for its branches, more than sixty
+of them, spread all over the country. "'Toc. H.,'" says its Padre, "is
+not a charity. Once opened our Hostel Clubs are self-supporting, as
+our experience already proves. In Edinburgh, Liverpool, Manchester,
+Bristol, Newcastle, Birmingham, Leeds, Sheffield, two thousand pounds
+will open a house for which our branches in each of these places are
+crying out. It is only the original outlay, the furniture and the
+first quarter's rent, which stand between us and a whole series of
+such houses in the great provincial centres. Fifty pounds will endow a
+bedroom, where a lad can live cheaper than in the dingiest lodgings,
+and know something better of a great city than that it is a place
+where all evil is open to him and all good is behind closed doors....
+'Toc. H.,' we repeat, is _not_ another recurrent charity. It is a wise
+way of helping to meet our debt of honour; it is a living and growing
+memorial, charged with the task of making reincarnate in the younger
+world the qualities which saved us."
+
+_Punch_ ventures to add his voice to this claim upon our honour and
+gratitude; and, if I may, I would like to make appeal to all who
+loved the work of our friend who is dead, that they should send some
+offering to this good cause as a personal tribute to the memory of a
+man who, in his own form of service, did so much to cheer the hearts
+of our fighting men in the dark hours that are over.
+
+Contributions should be addressed to the Rev. P. B. CLAYTON, M.C.,
+Effingham House, Arundel Street, Strand, W.C.2.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FAIRY TAILOR.
+
+  Sitting on the flower-bed beneath the hollyhocks
+  I spied the tiny tailor who makes the fairies' frocks;
+  There he sat a-stitching all the afternoon
+  And sang a little ditty to a quaint wee tune:
+    "Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves,
+    Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves,
+    White for the pixies that dance upon the green,
+    But where shall I find me a robe for the Queen?"
+
+  All about the garden his little men he sent,
+  Up and down and in and out unceasingly they went;
+  Here they stole a blossom, there they pulled a leaf,
+  And bound them up with gossamer into a glowing sheaf.
+    Petals of the pansy for little velvet shoon,
+    Silk of the poppy for a dance beneath the moon,
+    Lawn of the jessamine, damask of the rose,
+    To make their pretty kirtles and airy furbelows.
+
+  Never roving pirates back from Southern seas
+  Brought a store of treasures home beautiful as these;
+  They heaped them all about him in a sweet gay pile,
+  But still he kept a-stitching and a-singing all the while:
+    "Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves,
+    Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves,
+    White for the pixies that dance on the green,
+    But who shall make a royal gown to deck the Fairy Queen?"
+
+  R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Unless he wishes to raise a hornet's nest about his ears we would
+    advise him to let sleeping dogs lie."--_Local Paper_.
+
+Personally we never keep a dog that harbours hornets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a concert-programme:--
+
+    "Fantastic Symphony ... Berlioz in a Vodka Shop ... Bax."
+
+    _Birmingham Paper_.
+
+This should help to combat the current opinion that BERLIOZ is dry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Johnston Forbes-Robertson said there were, in certain places,
+    some forms of light entertainments which, to say the least, wanted
+    carefully watching."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+At present, we gather, the wrong people do the watching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SING A SONG OF DRACHMAS.
+
+(_TINO AT ATHENS._)
+
+THE KING WAS IN HIS COUNTING-HOUSE LOOKING FOR HIS MONEY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Man of Wealth_ (_to his son just home for the
+holidays_). "AND WHY DON'T YOU LIKE YOUR FUR COAT? I'LL BET NONE OF
+THE OTHER BOYS 'AVE GOT ONE."
+
+_Son._ "YES, BUT NONE OF THE OTHER BOYS HAVE TO BE CALLED 'SKUNKY.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THOUGHTS IN A COLD SNAP.
+
+It is going to be very cold when I get up, which will be almost
+immediately--very cold indeed. It was zero yesterday; it may be below
+the line to-day, twenty or thirty below the line--even more. A
+little slam, perhaps, in spades. There are icicles hanging from the
+window-frame; and it is a curious thing, when one comes to think of
+it, what a lot of things there are that rhyme with icicle: tricycle,
+bicycle, phthisical, psychical--no, I am wrong, not psychical ...
+
+Anyhow, it is going to be very cold. Some people do not mind the cold.
+There are people bathing in the Serpentine at this moment, I suppose,
+and apparently nothing can be done about it. They ju-just break the
+ice and ju-jump in. And yet it is not their ice; it is the KING'S.
+It seems to me that it ought to be made illegal, this breaking of
+the KING's ice, like the breaking of windows in Whitehall. These
+ice-breakers seem to me as bad as the people who say, "It's going to
+be a nice old-fashioned Christmas, with Yule-logs and things." Not
+that I object to Yule-logs. I have some in my own Yule-shed, hand-sawn
+by myself, though I am not a good hand-sawyer. When I get about
+halfway through, the saw begins to gnash its teeth and groan at me.
+It seems to me that what is wanted is a machine for turning the logs
+round and round while one holds the saw steady. But there is something
+beautiful in burning the Yule-logs of one's own fashioning that makes
+one feel like the sculptor when at last the living beauty has burst
+forth under his chisel from the shapeless stone. Besides, they are
+cheaper than coal.
+
+As I say, when people talk of "Yule-logs and things," it is not the
+Yule-logs that I object to. It is the things. Nasty cold things like
+clean shirts and collars and bedroom door-handles--there ought to be
+hot water in bedroom door-handles--nasty cold things that make one say
+"Ugh." I have a theory that the word "Ugh" was invented on some such
+morning as this. Previously people had been contented with noises like
+"Ouch" and "Ouf" and "Ur-r," though they realised how inadequate they
+were. And then one day, one very cold 0/40 day, inspiration came
+to the frenzied brain of a genius, and he wrote down that single
+exquisite heart-cry and hurried it off to the printer. People knew
+then that the supreme mating of sound and sense, which we have agreed
+to call poetry, had once more been achieved.
+
+But I have wandered a little from the Serpentine. Has it ever struck
+you what people who bathe in the Serpentine on days like this are like
+during the rest of the year?
+
+Suppose it is a balmy spring morning, a mild temperate afternoon in
+early summer, a soft autumn twilight when everyone else is happy and
+content, what are they doing then? Positively bathed in perspiration,
+groaning under the burden of the sun, mopping their shining foreheads
+and putting cabbage-leaves under their hats. And then at last comes
+the day they have longed for and looked forward to all through the
+twelve-months' heat-wave, a beautiful day forty degrees below the
+belt. They spring out of bed and fling wide the casement. That is
+what they intend to do, at least. As a matter of fact, of course,
+it is stuck, and they have to bash it out with a bolster, sending the
+icicles clinking into the basement. "Delicious!" they say, leaning out
+and breathing deep. Then they chip a piece of ice out of the water-jug
+with a hammer, rub it on their faces and begin to shave.
+
+They shave in their cotton pyjamas, with bare feet, humming a song.
+Then they put on old flannels and a blazer, wrap a towel round their
+neck, light a cigarette, pick up a mattock and stroll to Hyde Park.
+When they get there they feloniously break the KING'S ice. Then they
+"ugh." The mere thought of these people ughing with a great splash
+into the Serpentine makes me feel ill. When I think of them afterwards
+sitting lazily on the bank and letting the blizzard dry their hair,
+basking in the snow for an hour or two and reading their morning
+paper, and every now and then throwing a snowball or a piece of "ugh"
+into the water, I hate them. Nobody ought to be allowed to bathe in
+the Serpentine on days like this except the swans, who paddle all
+night to hold the ice at bay. I wonder if I could get a swan and keep
+it in the water-jug.
+
+Half-past eight? Yes, I did hear, thank you. I am really going to get
+up very soon now.
+
+What I am going to do is to make one tiger-like leap--tiger-like leap,
+I say--for the bathroom door and turn the hot-water tap full on until
+the whole of the upper part of the house is filled with steam.
+
+I am going to do it this very moment. I--yes--ugh.
+
+Now I come to think of it a tiger-like leap would be quite the wrong
+idea. I am glad I did not do it. Tigers are not cold when they leap.
+"Tiger, tiger, burning bright." Tiger, tiger----
+
+What did you say? A quarter to nine? What? And the water-pipes frozen?
+_Are_ they?
+
+Thankugh.
+
+K.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WIDOW KISSED BY BURGLAR.
+
+    ADVENTURE WITH A SOFT-VOICED GIANT.
+
+    The gurglar took nothing away with him." _Scots Paper._
+
+"Gurglar" seems the _mot juste_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "---- CLUB. Monthly medal competition. Returns:--
+
+                      Gross.    Hep.        Nett.
+      F. Slicer         92        8          84
+      W. H. Putter     103       16          87"
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+If only the Judicious HOOKER had been playing he might have downed
+them both.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM.
+
+_Mother_ (_trying to calm her lachrymose offspring_). "'ERE,
+ALBERT--LOOK AT THE PRETTY FISHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+THE PIG.
+
+  The way in which he eats and drinks
+    Is so extremely crude
+  That nearly everybody thinks
+    The pig enjoys his food.
+
+  But when I see how very fast,
+    Without one single chew,
+  He gobbles up his huge repast,
+    I'm sure it isn't true.
+
+  Far nobler than your Uncle Joe,
+    Who simply sits and sits,
+  Revolving, gluttonous and slow,
+    The more attractive bits;
+
+  Far nobler than your Uncle Dick,
+    Who likes the choicest food,
+  And, if he doesn't have the pick,
+    Is very, very rude;
+
+  The pig has not a word to say
+    To subtleties of taste;
+  He eats whatever comes his way
+    With admirable haste.
+
+  In fact, the pig may well resent
+    The insult to his line
+  When certain of the affluent
+    Are said to eat like swine.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "None are much better than others, and some are much worse."--_New
+    Zealand Paper._
+
+We fear the writer is a pessimist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAFFY THE FOX.
+
+[Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY has complained of the war-time efforts of the
+POET LAUREATE, and desires the appointment of a national bard whose
+mind is more attuned to the soul of the British nation. Recent
+political events are not of course a very inspiring subject for
+serious verse, but we have tried to do our feeble best here in faint
+imitation of one of the manners of Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD.]
+
+  Safe and snug from the wind and rain
+  In a thick of gorse with a tranquil brain
+  The fox had slept, and his dreams were all
+  Of the wild Welsh hills and the country's call;
+  He slept all night in the Wan Tun Waste,
+  He woke at dawn and about he faced,
+  He flexed his ears and he flaired the breeze
+  And scratched with his foot some poor wee fleas;
+  He sat on his haunches, doubted, stood;
+  To his left were the lairs of his native wood,
+  The deep yew darkness of Cowall Itchen;
+  He flaired, I say, with his nostrils twitching
+  Till he smelt the sound of the Fleet Street stunt
+  And over the hillside came the Hunt.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Over the hillside, clop, clip, clep,
+  And the dappled beauties, Ginger and Pep,
+  Live Wire, Thruster, Fetch Him and Snatch Him,
+  They were coming to bite him and pinch him and scratch him,
+  Whimpering, nosing, scenting his crimes,
+  The Evening News and The Morning Times.
+  "Yooi! On to him! Yooi there!"  Hounds were in;
+  He slunk like a ghost to the edge of the whin;
+  "Hark! Holloa! Hoick!" They were on his trail.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The huntsman, Alfred, rode The Mail,
+  A bright bay mount, his best of prancers,
+  Out of Forget-me-not by Answers.
+  A thick-set man was Alf, and hard;
+  He chewed a straw from the stable-yard;
+  He owned a chestnut, The Dispatch,
+  With one white sock and one white patch;
+  And had bred a mare called Comic Cuts;
+  He was a man with fearful guts.
+  So too was Rother, the first whip,
+  Nothing could give this man the pip;
+  He rode The Mirror, a raking horse,
+  A piebald full of points and force.
+  All that was best in English life,
+  All that appealed to man or wife,
+  Sweet peas or standard bread or sales
+  These two men loved. They hated Wales.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The fox burst out with a flair of cunning,
+  He ran like mad and he went on running;
+  He made his point for the Heroes' Pleasance,
+  By Hang Bill Copse, where he roused the pheasants.
+  They rose with a whirr and kuk, kuk, kukkered;
+  The fox ran on with a mask unpuckered
+  By Boshale Stump and Uttermost Penny,
+  Where the grass was short and the tracks were many.
+  He tried the clay and he tried the marl,
+  A workman's whippet began to snarl;
+  Into the Dodder a splash he went;
+  All that he cared was to change the scent,
+  And half of the pack from the line he shook
+  By paddling about in the Beaver Brook.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  He swerved to the left at Maynard Keynes,
+  With an eye to sheep and an eye to drains;
+  By Old Cole Smiley and Clere St. Thomas,
+  Without any stops and without any commas;
+  At Addison's Cots he went so quick,
+  He startled a bricklayer laying a brick;
+  He ran over oats and he ran over barleys,
+  By Moss Cow Puddle and Rushen Parleys;
+  By Lympne Sassoon and Limpet Farm
+  He scattered the geese in wild alarm;
+  He ran with a pain growing under his pinny
+  Till he heard the sound of a war-horse whinny,
+  And tried for an earth in the Tory Holts.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The earth was stopped. It was barred with bolts.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  He turned again and he passed Spen Valley,
+  By Paisley Shawls and Leamington Raleigh;
+  His flanks were wet, he was mire-beslobbered
+  By Hatfield Yew and by Hatfield Robert;
+  He tried a hen-coop, he tried a tub,
+  He tried the National Liberal Club--
+  A terrier barked and turned him out.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  He tried the end of an old drain-spout.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  It was much too small. With a bursting heart
+  He thought of the home where he made his start;
+  His flanks were heaving, his soul despairing,
+  He flaired again--he was always flairing
+  To find the best way of escape and nab it,
+  He couldn't get out of this flairing habit;
+  He felt at his back the fiery breath
+  Of the Kill Gorge pack that had vowed his death;
+  He turned once more for the shelter good
+  Of the Wan Tun Waste and the dark yew wood,
+  The deep yew fastness of Cowall Itchen
+  And the scuts and heads of hens in his kitchen.
+  The hounds grew weak and The Mail was blowing;
+  Rother said, "Alf, this is bad going!"
+  Past Pemberton Billing, past Kenworthy,
+  He shook them off, he was damp and earthy;
+  By Molton Lambert and Platting Clynes----
+  But I can't go on with these difficult lines.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The night closed down and the hunt was dead,
+  Alfred and Rother were tucked in bed;
+  The cold moon rose on a fox's snore
+  And everything much as it was before.
+
+  Evoe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+    "'Her feet beneath her petticoat like little mice peep in and out.'
+
+    Yes, but when Bobbie Burns wrote that the lassies of Scotland
+    didn't wear Louis heels and extremely short skirts."--_Ladies'
+    Paper._
+
+Any more than they did when Sir JOHN SUCKLING apostrophised the "wee,
+sleekit, cow'rin', tim'rous beastie."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Sleuths.
+
+    "A Sheffield firm of solicitors have, this week, had stolen from
+    one of the pegs in the hall an overcoat belonging to one of the
+    principals. The solicitor concerned is of the opinion that someone
+    removed it between his arrival at the office the other morning
+    and going to find it in the evening, when it was
+    missing."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Sandringham Hat.
+
+    "Many women are making surprise presents of hats to their
+    husbands, and will take great pleasure in seeing them worn for the
+    first time on Christmas Day."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+We understand that it will be the quietest Christmas on record, many
+family men having decided to spend the day in the seclusion of their
+own homes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE--]
+
+[Illustration: --ABOUT SWITZERLAND IS--]
+
+[Illustration: --THE COMPLETE CHANGE--]
+
+[Illustration: --FROM LONDON LIFE--]
+
+[Illustration: --AND ALL THAT--]
+
+[Illustration: --NEEDLESS DRESSING-UP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doris._ "BUT, JIMMY, I THOUGHT YOU CAME TO BUY A
+PRESENT FOR DADDY?"
+
+_Jimmy._ "YES, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIS, I _AM_ DOING. HE M'NOPOLISED
+MY ENGINE LAST CHRISTMAS; I THOUGHT HE'D LIKE ONE FOR HIMSELF THIS
+YEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HUMOURIST.
+
+"Here's Alan," said Cecilia; "good."
+
+"Really," I said, stopping and bowing slightly in several directions,
+"I am touched. Such a reception.... I find no words----"
+
+"Don't be funny," said Margery cuttingly, "we shan't laugh. What we
+want to know is what are you going to do?"
+
+"Well," I said, "I did think of sitting by the fire and--er--just
+watching it burn."
+
+"Oh, dear," said Margery, "please don't be dense. I mean, what are you
+going to do at the show?"
+
+I passed my hand over my eyes.
+
+"I'm sorry," I said; "I'm afraid I don't.... Have I been to sleep for
+ten years or anything?"
+
+"Tell him," said Margery impatiently. "You'll have to start right at
+the beginning."
+
+I sat down expectantly.
+
+"Well," began Cecilia, "Christmas is coming and we shall be full up."
+
+"Of course, of course," I murmured deprecatingly. "You want me to get
+some medicine ready for you?"
+
+"I mean the house will be full up," explained Cecilia coldly.
+"The point is we must arrange something beforehand--some sort of
+entertainment."
+
+"Good heavens," I said, "you're not going to hire the Sisters
+Sprightly or anything, are you?"
+
+"No, we are not," said Cecilia; "not the Sisters Sprightly nor the
+Brothers Bung. We are going to do it ourselves."
+
+"What--a Sisters Sprightly Act? Have a little shame, Cecilia. What
+will Christopher think when he sees his mother in a ballet skirt,
+kicking about all over the drawing-room?"
+
+"He'd think I looked very nice," said Cecilia hotly, "if I was going
+to wear one; but I'm not."
+
+"Not going to wear a ballet skirt?" I said. "You surely don't mean to
+appear in----"
+
+"We're not going to do a Sisters Sprightly turn at all," shouted
+Margery: "nobody ever thought of them but you."
+
+"Then I give it up," I said helplessly; "I quite understood you to
+say---- Then what are you going to do, anyway?"
+
+"Well, we thought at first we'd do a play, but there were difficulties
+in the way."
+
+"Too true," I said; "none of us can act to begin with."
+
+"Speak for yourself," said Margery.
+
+"Pardon, Miss Thorndike," I apologised.
+
+"No, the difficulty is that we haven't really room for theatricals.
+We should have to use the drawing-room, and by the time you've got
+a stage and scenery and rooms for changing, well, there's simply no
+space left for the audience," explained Cecilia.
+
+"That's no objection at all," I said; "rather an advantage, in fact."
+
+"And anyhow," continued Margery, "we haven't got a play to do."
+
+"And so," said Cecilia, "we've decided to have a concert party."
+
+I gasped.
+
+"Not a concert party," I implored.
+
+"Yes," said Cecilia, "a costume concert party. It isn't any use groaning
+like that. It's all arranged. Sheila and Arthur Davies, Margery, John,
+you and I are in it. The question is what are you going to do?"
+
+"Nothing. I never heard of such a horrible idea."
+
+"Don't be a pig, Alan," said Margery.
+
+"Really, Cecilia," I said, "let me plead with you. _Not_ a costume
+concert party, please. A simple glee perhaps--just four of us--in
+evening dress; or even a conjurer. I'll agree to anything. But not,
+_not_ Pierrots, Cecilia."
+
+"Pierrots it is," said Cecilia defiantly.
+
+"Then I wash my hands of it. To think that our family----"
+
+"You can wash your hands if you like," said Cecilia; "we should prefer
+it, in fact; but you are certainly going to take part."
+
+I know the futility of arguing with Cecilia.
+
+"Then tell me the worst," I begged; "what am I to be? Can I show
+people to their seats, or am I the good-looking tenor with gentlemanly
+features and long hair?"
+
+"We thought of making you the funny man," said Cecilia.
+
+I buried my head in my hands and shuddered.
+
+At this moment John came into the room. "Talking about the 'Merry
+Maggots'?" he said. "Splendid idea of Cecilia's, isn't it? I've just
+been thinking it over, and what we must decide on first of all is who
+is to be the--the humourist. He's the really important man; must be
+someone really first-class."
+
+"We've also been discussing it," I said quickly, "and we came to the
+conclusion that there's only one man for the job--yourself."
+
+John nodded complacently.
+
+"I'm glad to hear you say so, because I was going to suggest it
+myself. It's my belief that I should be a devilish funny fellow if I
+had a chance. I've just tried a few jokes on myself upstairs, and I've
+been simply roaring with laughter. Haven't enjoyed myself so much for
+years."
+
+"Splendid fellow!" I said heartily; "you shall tell them to me later
+on and I'll roar with laughter too. Cecilia, put your husband down for
+the funny man."
+
+"H'm--humourist," corrected John with a slight cough.
+
+"'Humourist,'" I agreed; "and thank goodness that's settled."
+
+"But," said Cecilia, "you said you were going to do a dramatic
+recitation."
+
+"So I am, so I am," said John; "I'm going to do that as well.
+Contrast, my dear Cecilia. Laughter and tears. Double them up with
+sly wit one moment and have them sobbing into their handkerchiefs the
+next. I'm going to do it all, Cecilia."
+
+"So it appears," said Cecilia; "it hardly seems worth while to have
+anybody else in the show."
+
+"Now, now," said John, wagging his forefinger at her, "no jealousy.
+You ought to be glad to have someone really good in the party. _Good_
+funny men aren't to be found just anywhere."
+
+"But we don't know that you _are_ a good funny man," said Margery.
+
+"Of course you don't," said John; "I've never had a chance to prove
+it. For years I have been kept in the background by your family. I'm
+never allowed to make a joke, and if I do nobody laughs. This is my
+chance. I'm going to be in the limelight now. I shall be the life of
+the party, and it's no good trying to stop me. In fact," he finished
+confidentially, "I shan't be surprised if I take it up professionally.
+You should have heard me laughing upstairs."
+
+"But, John," began Margery.
+
+"Sh--!" said Cecilia; "it's no use arguing with him while he's in this
+mood. That's all right, John. You shall be everything you like. But
+as you've selected such a lot of parts for yourself perhaps you'll
+suggest what we can do with Alan."
+
+"Ah," said John; "Alan! Yes, he's a problem, certainly. If he had
+any voice, now. I'm not sure that we want him at all. Could he do a
+clog-dance, do you think?"
+
+"Don't worry," I interrupted; "I've thought of a fine part for me. All
+the best concert parties have a chap who sits in the corner and does
+nothing but look miserable. I could do that splendidly."
+
+"That's quite true," said John approvingly; "it tickles the audience,
+you know, to see a fellow looking glum while everyone else is having
+hysterics at the funny--at the humourist. It isn't as easy as it
+looks, though, Alan. I shall keep saying things to make you laugh, you
+know. You'll find it jolly difficult to keep looking miserable once
+I get going."
+
+"Not at all," I said. "That is, I shall do my best to keep serious.
+I shall try not to listen to you being funny."
+
+John looked at me and considered whether it was worth following up. He
+decided it was not.
+
+"I daresay he'll do," he said loftily to Cecilia; "the fellow has no
+sense of humour anyway."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "So long, old chap! I'm off to Charing Cross."
+"Hospital, I presume."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Commercial Modesty.
+
+    "This system develops such valuable qualities as:--
+
+      --Forgetfulness
+      --Mind Wandering
+      --Brain Fag
+      --Indecision
+      --Dullness
+      --Shyness
+      --Timidity
+      --Weakness of Will
+      --Lack of System
+      --Lack of Initiative
+      --Indefiniteness
+      --Mental Flurry."
+
+    _Advt. in Sunday Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is announced that, starting with next week, 'Ways and means'
+    and 'Common Sense' will be amalgamated."
+
+    _Evening Paper_.
+
+Will the Government please note?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Army biscuits, suitable for bed-chair cushions. 3s. reserve.
+    ----'s Auction Sale."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+They seem to have lost something of their war-time hardihood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy._ "I SAY, ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WITH A BIT
+MORE BUCK IN IT THAN THIS LEMONADE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUSS AT THE PALACE.
+
+[_The Daily Telegraph_, in a report of the Cat Show at the Crystal
+Palace, remarks that "the cat has 'come back' as a hobby."]
+
+  O ALL ye devoted cat-lovers,
+    Ere spending the cheques you have cashed,
+  Leave a trifle for tickets to enter the wickets
+    That ope on the Temple of Pasht.
+
+  For to-day in the Palace of PAXTON
+    Cats gathered from every zone--
+  Manx, Persian, Sardinian, Chinese, Abyssinian--
+    Are now being splendidly shown.
+
+  The names of the winners and owners
+    Inspire me with joy and delight;
+  _E.g._, Blue-eyed Molly, John Bull (Madame Dolli)
+    And Snowflake, the champion white.
+
+  And then the adorable kittens!
+    Too high-bred to gambol or skip,
+  With names that are mighty, like Inglewood Clytie,
+    Or comic, like Holme Ruddy Pip.
+
+  It is pleasant to learn Mr. SHAKESPEARE'S
+    Success with his Siamese strain,
+  For his namesake the poet, so far as we know it,
+    Held "poor, harmless" puss in disdain.
+
+  Yes, the cat has "come back" as a hobby,
+    Oh, let us be thankful for that,
+  For it might be the coon or the blue-nosed baboon,
+    Or the deadly Norwegian rat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FINE OLD FRUITY.
+
+Wine merchants must be kind men. So many of those who have sent me
+their circulars this Christmas-time have announced that they are
+"giving their clients the benefit of some exceptionally advantageous
+purchases which they have made."
+
+But it is not the humanity of wine merchants of which I wish to speak.
+It is the intriguing epithets which they apply to their wines. And I
+have entertained myself by applying these to my relatives, an exercise
+which I find attended by the happiest results.
+
+"Fine old style, rich," is, of course, obvious. It applies to more
+than one of my Victorian uncles. "Medium rich" to a cousin or so. More
+subtle is "medium body." This must be Uncle Hilary; he takes little
+exercise nowadays and his figure is suffering. Soon he will be
+"full-bodied" or "full and round." "Elegant, high class" is my Cousin
+Isabel. "Pretty flavour" also is hers. "Fresh and brisk" is Aunt
+Hannah. And could anything be more descriptive of Aunt Geraldine than
+"delicate and generous"?
+
+For "great breed and style" (used, I see, of a claret) I should,
+I fear, be obliged to go outside the family; and "recommended for
+present consumption and for laying down" I only mention because it
+leaves me wondering to what other uses a fine fruity Burgundy could be
+put. But here is a noble one: "Of very high class, stylish, good body
+and fine character." I have tried this on several relations without
+being entirely satisfied about it, and I have finally decided that
+I shall keep it for myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Only a few visitors braved the first fall of the snow yesterday
+    and adventured as far as the Zoological Gardens. They found there
+    a depressed-looking collection of animals in the open-air cages,
+    but a perfect holocaust of sparrows."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+The sparrows must have been warm enough, anyway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERDUN.
+
+LONDON (_to her adopted daughter_). "YOU WILL LET _ME_ PASS--TO YOUR
+HEART?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Lord Chancellor._ "AND TO THINK IT WAS THE BEST
+IRISH LINEN!"]
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, December 13th._--Since the House of Lords took the bit in
+its teeth and bolted with the Government of Ireland Bill the LORD
+CHANCELLOR has practically thrown the reins on the creature's neck and
+confined himself to occasional mild remonstrance when it kicked over
+the Government traces. The most he could do when rival amendments were
+put forward was to secure the passage of the less objectionable. Thus
+when Lord SHANDON, for purely sentimental reasons--Ireland knew him as
+"a most susceptible Chancellor"--desired that the unifying body should
+be called a Senate Lord BIRKENHEAD laughed the proposal out of court
+with the remark that "a man might as well purchase a mule with the
+object of founding a stud," and persuaded the Peers to accept the word
+"Council." He was at first inclined to oppose Lord WICKLOW'S amendment
+providing that neither Irish Parliament should take private property
+without compensation; but when he found that an old Home Ruler, Lord
+BRYCE, was in favour of imposing this curb on Irish exuberance he, as
+"a very young Home Ruler," gracefully withdrew his objection.
+
+Sir JOHN BAIRD revealed the names of the members of the Central
+Control Board (Liquor Traffic). The muffled groans that followed the
+announcement of the first of them, Mr. WATERS-BUTLER, were quite
+uncalled for, as I understand that the gentleman in question preserves
+a strict impartiality between two branches of his patronymic.
+
+Sir ERIC GEDDES was not too sympathetic to the complaints of
+overcrowding on the suburban railways; but I cannot think that Mr.
+MARTIN had fully thought out the consequences of his suggestion that
+the right hon. gentleman should take a trip one night from Aldgate to
+Barking and see for himself. Imagine the feelings of the strap-hangers
+when Sir ERIC essayed "little by little" to wedge himself into their
+midst.
+
+If the Opposition desired a really satisfactory discussion on the
+origin of the fires in Cork it should have chosen some other spokesman
+than Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY. The hon. and gallant gentleman was
+less aggressive in manner than usual, but even so he encountered a
+good many interruptions. He was answered in a characteristic speech by
+Mr. CLAUDE LOWTHER; and the debate as a whole never rose much above
+the level where it was left by these "Burnt Cork Comedians."
+
+_Tuesday, December 14th._--Despite the protests of Lord BRAYE, who
+demanded full self-determination for Ireland, the Peers gave a Third
+Reading to the Government of Ireland Bill. Lord CREWE so far modified
+his previous attitude as to congratulate the Government on having held
+on their course in the face of the discouraging events in Ireland, and
+to express the hope that the measure would be worked for all it was
+worth, though, in his lordship's estimation, it was not worth much.
+
+[Illustration: THE END OF THE OMNIBUS.
+
+_Conductor ADDISON._ "A NICE OLD MESS YOU'VE BEEN AND GONE AND MADE!"
+
+_Driver CURZON._ "_ME?_ IF _YOU_ HADN'T BEEN SO LATE IN TURNING OUT I
+SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO CUT THINGS SO FINE."]
+
+The Ministry of Health Bill found the Peers in a much less
+accommodating mood. Lord STRACHIE moved its rejection, chiefly on the
+ground of the financial strain it would impose upon local authorities,
+and was supported by Lord GALWAY, who thought it an insult to
+Parliament to bring forward so ambitious a measure at the fag-end of
+the Session. Lord CURZON vainly endeavoured to avert the coming storm
+by accepting a suggestion that the Bill should be carried over till
+next Session. The majority of the Peers were out for blood, and they
+defeated the Second Reading by 57 to 41. Dr. ADDISON, from the steps
+of the Throne, gloomily watched the overturn of his omnibus. It is
+understood that, following the example of his distinguished namesake,
+he is going to write to _The Spectator_ about Lord STRACHIE.
+
+So many of the Commons appeared to have anticipated the Christmas
+holidays that Questions were run through at a great pace. Mr. HOGGE,
+however, was in his place all right to know how it was, after all the
+protestations of the Government, that an official motor-car containing
+an officer and a lady had been seen outside a toy-shop in Regent
+Street. "Mark how a plain tale shall set you down," said Mr. CHURCHILL
+in effect. The officer was on his way from an outlying branch of the
+War Office to an important conference in Whitehall; the lady was his
+private secretary; the natural route of the car was _viâ_ Regent
+Street, and the officer had merely seized the opportunity to pick up
+a parcel.
+
+A Supplementary Estimate of six and a-half millions for the Navy gave
+the economists their chance. Mr. G. LAMBERT could not understand why
+we were employing more men at the dockyards than before the War, and
+suggested that three or four of the yards might be sold. This proposal
+was received with singularly little enthusiasm by most of the Members
+for dockyard constituencies; but Sir B. FALLE (Portsmouth) handsomely
+remarked that Chatham might well be leased for private enterprise.
+The Member for Chatham was not present, or he would, no doubt, have
+returned the compliment.
+
+_Wednesday, December 15th._--A less adventurous Minister than Mr.
+CHURCHILL might have funked the task of justifying to a House of
+Economists a Supplementary Army Estimate of forty millions. But he
+boldly tackled the job, and proved to his own satisfaction that half
+the liability was a mere book-entry, and the other half inevitable,
+in view of the Empire's commitments. Sir CHARLES TOWNSHEND, in a
+maiden speech which in the more flamboyant passages suggested the
+collaboration of the EDITOR of _John Bull_, announced his intention
+of supporting the Government "for all I am worth," and proceeded to
+demonstrate that their policy in Mesopotamia had been wrong from start
+to finish.
+
+_Thursday, December 16th._--I don't know whether the current rumours
+of the PRIME MINISTER'S delicacy are put about by malignant enemies
+who hope that Nature will accomplish what they have failed to achieve,
+or by well-meaning friends who desire to convince the Aberystwith
+Sabbatarians that Sunday golf is essential to his well-being. In his
+answers to Questions this afternoon he showed no signs of failing
+powers. When Mr. BILLING accused him of breaking his pledge that there
+should be no more secret diplomacy he modestly replied that that was
+not his but President WILSON'S phrase; and a little later he informed
+the same cocksure questioner that a certain problem was "not so simple
+as my hon. friend imagines most problems are."
+
+An inquiry about the Franco-British boundaries in the Holy Land led
+the PRIME MINISTER to observe that the territory delimited was "the
+old historic Palestine--Dan to Beersheba." It was, of course, a
+mere coincidence that the next Question on the Paper related to the
+destruction of calves, though not the golden kind.
+
+The quarter-deck voice in which Rear-Admiral ADAIR thundered for
+information regarding the Jutland Papers so startled Sir JAMES CRAIG
+that, fearing another salvo if he temporised with the question, he
+promptly promised immediate publication.
+
+Despite a characteristic protest from Mr. DEVLIN, who, as Mr. BONAR
+LAW observed, treats his opponents as if they were "not only morally
+bad but intellectually contemptible," the House proceeded to consider
+the Lords' Amendments to the Home Rule Bill, and dealt with them by
+the time-honoured device of "splitting the difference."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dealer._ "WELL, THERE SHE IS, GUV'NOR, AN' YOURS AT A
+ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE."
+
+_Farmer._ "NOA, THANKEE. I ONLY GOT POUND NOTES ON ME, YE SEE, AN' I
+DOAN'T WANT TO BREAK INTO ANOTHER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MALESWOMAN WANTED.--Competent to take charge of Millinery
+    establishment."
+
+    _Trade Paper_.
+
+A sort of Mannequin, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Viking's Wife_ (_to husband, who is setting off to
+raid the coast of Britain_). "GOOD-BYE, SIGURD DARLING. DON'T FORGET
+WHAT I SAID ABOUT GETTING YOUR FEET WET. AND, BY THE WAY, I'M GREATLY
+IN NEED OF A COOK-GENERAL, IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE ONE. BUT REMEMBER SHE
+MUST BE CAPABLE AND PLAIN--NOT LIKE THE HUSSIES YOU USUALLY FETCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FOUL GAME.
+
+It is Christmas, and here is a nice little cricket story for the
+hearth. The funny thing about it is that it is true. And the other
+funny thing about it is that it was told to me by a huge Rugger
+Blue called Eric. (I understand people can change their names at
+Confirmation. Why don't they?)
+
+It was in a College match--not, I gather, a particularly serious one.
+Eric and his friend Charles were playing for Balbus College against
+Caramel College. Caramel had an "A" team out, and Balbus, I should
+think, must have had about a "K" team ... anyhow, Eric and Charles
+were both playing. Eric, as he modestly said, doesn't bat much, and
+Charles doesn't bowl much. Eric said to Charles, "I bet you a fiver
+you won't get six wickets." Charles said to Eric, "All right; and I
+bet you a fiver you won't get a hundred runs."
+
+Then began a hideous series of intrigues. Caramel were to bat first,
+and Eric went to the Balbus captain and said, "There's a sovereign[1]
+for you if Charles doesn't go on to bowl _at all_."
+
+  [Footnote 1: This is a pre-war story.]
+
+"Very well," said the captain, with a glance of sinister
+understanding. "Wouldn't have anyhow," he added as he pocketed the
+stake.
+
+Then Charles arrived.
+
+"Two pounds," said the captain.
+
+"What for?" said Charles.
+
+"For ten overs--four bob an over."
+
+"It's too much," said Charles; "but there's a sovereign for you if
+Eric goes in ninth wicket down."
+
+"Very well," said the captain, with a glance of devilish cunning.
+"It's only one lower than usual. Thank you."
+
+Acting on intuition and their knowledge of the captain, Eric and
+Charles then hotly accused each other of bribery. Both confessed,
+and it was agreed to start fair. Charles was to bowl first change and
+Eric was to bat first wicket. The captain said he would want a lot of
+bribing to go back on the original arrangement, especially if it meant
+Charles bowling, but he would do it for the original price; and, as he
+already held the money, Eric and Charles had to concede the point.
+
+By the way, I am afraid the captain doesn't come very well out of
+this, and I'm afraid it is rather an immoral story; but my object is
+to show up the evils of commercialism, so it is all right.
+
+Pallas Athene came down and stood by the bowler's umpire while Charles
+was bowling, and he got five wickets quite easily. It was incredible.
+The Caramel batsmen seemed to be paralysed. Then the last man came in,
+and the first thing he did was to send up a nice little dolly catch to
+Eric at cover-point. Eric missed it. When I say he missed it I mean he
+practically flung it on the ground. Indeed he rather over-did it, and
+the batsman, who was a sportsman and knew Charles, appealed to the
+umpire to say he was really out. Pallas Athene grabbed the umpire by
+the throat, and he said firmly that no catch had been made.
+
+Then the batsmen made a muddle about a run and found themselves in the
+common but embarrassing position of being both at the wicket-keeper's
+end. The ball had gone to Eric and he had only to throw it in to
+Charles, who was bowling, for Charles to put the wicket down. But
+in one of those flashes of inspiration which betray true genius he
+realised that in the circumstances that was just what Charles would
+_not_ do. Direct action was the only thing. So, ball in hand, he
+started at high velocity towards the wicket himself.
+
+He was a Rugger Blue (I told you) and a three-quarter at that, so he
+went fairly fast. However, the batsman saw that he had a faint hope
+after all, and he ran too. It was an heroic race, but the batsman
+had less distance to go. Eric saw that he was losing, and from a few
+yards' range he madly flung the ball at the wicket. He missed the
+wicket, but he hit Charles very hard on the shin, which was something.
+I fancy he must have hit Pallas Athene as well, for with the very next
+ball she gave Charles his sixth wicket.
+
+By this time the game had resolved itself into an Homeric combat
+between the two protagonists, of which the main bodies of the Balbus
+and Caramel armies were merely neutral spectators--neutral, that is,
+so far as they had not been hired out for some dastard service by one
+or other of the duellists.
+
+When Eric went in it was clear that Juno had come down to help him,
+for he made three runs in eight balls without being bowled once. Then
+Charles came in. His first ball he hit slowly between mid-off and
+cover, and he called for a run. All unsuspecting, Eric cantered down
+the pitch. When he was half-way Charles seemed to be seized with the
+sort of panic which sometimes possesses a batsman. "No, no!" he cried.
+"Go back! go back!" And he scuttled back himself. Juno fortunately
+intervened and Eric just got home in time. But he realised now what he
+was up against. His next ball he hit towards mid-wicket, and shouting
+"Come on!" he galloped up the pitch. Charles came on gingerly,
+expecting to be sent back, but Eric duly passed him; he then turned
+round and just raced Charles back to the wicket-keeper's end. Charles
+was only a Soccer Blue (and a goal-keeper at that), and Eric won.
+
+"After that," said Eric with his usual modesty, "it was easy."
+Eyewitnesses, however, have told me more. Juno dealt with the Caramel
+bowlers, but Eric had to compete with Charles. And Charles resorted to
+every kind of devilish expedient. Nearly all the Balbus batsmen were
+bribed to run Eric out, and whenever he hit a boundary Eric had to
+stop and reason with them in the middle of the pitch. Sometimes he
+tried to outbid Charles, but he usually found that he couldn't afford
+it. So he collared the bowling as much as possible and tried not to
+hit anything but boundaries. Juno helped him a good bit in that way.
+
+When he had made seventy he got a ball on the knee. Charles ran out
+and offered to run for him, but Eric said he could manage, thank you.
+Then Charles went and walked rapidly up and down in front of the
+screen; but Eric wasn't the sort of batsman who minded that.
+
+At about ninety, Eric's knee was pretty bad, so he called out for
+somebody to run for him--_not_ Charles. Five of Charles's hirelings
+rushed out of the pavilion, but the captain said he would go himself,
+as that wasn't fair. Besides, he had money on Eric himself.
+
+At this point I gather that Pallas Athene must have deserted Charles
+altogether, for he seems to have entertained for a moment or two the
+ignoble notion of tampering with the scorer. I am glad to be able to
+say that even the members of the Balbus College "K." Team, eaten up
+as they were by this time with commercialism, declined to be parties
+to that particular wickedness. With every circumstance of popular
+excitement Eric's hundredth run--a mis-cue through the slips--was
+finally made, scored and added up. In fact, he carried his bat.
+
+"So you were all square," I said, not without admiration.
+
+"By no means," said Eric. "It cost me forty shillings."
+
+"And Charles?"
+
+"It cost him seven pounds."
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUGGESTIONS."
+
+A WARNING.
+
+Entering as we are upon the season of games, it might be well to
+utter an urgent appeal to hostesses not to play "Suggestions." For
+"Suggestions," though it may begin as a game, is really a wrangle.
+Under the guise of a light-hearted pastime it offers little but
+opportunities for misunderstanding, general conversation, allegations
+of unfairness, and disappointment.
+
+"Suggestions" ought to be played like this: You sit in a semicircle
+and the first player says something--anything--a single word. Let us
+suppose it is (as it probably will be in thousands of cases) "MARGOT."
+The next player has to say what "MARGOT" suggests--"reticence," for
+example--and the next player, shutting his mind completely to the word
+"MARGOT," has to say what "reticence" suggests--perhaps _Grimaud_,
+in _The Three Musketeers_--and the fourth player has to disregard
+"reticence" and announce whatever mental reaction the name of
+_Grimaud_ produces. It maybe that he has never heard of _Grimaud_ and
+the similarity of sound suggests only GRIMALDI the clown. Then he
+ought to say, "GRIMALDI the clown," which might in its turn suggest
+"melancholy" or "the circus." All the time no one should speak but the
+players in their turn, and they should speak instantly and should say
+nothing but the thing that is honestly suggested by the previous word.
+At the end of, say, a dozen rounds the process of unwinding the coil
+begins, each player in rotation taking part in the backward process
+until "MARGOT" is again reached.
+
+That is how the game should be played.
+
+This is how it _is_ played:--
+
+_First Player._ Let me see; what shall I say?
+
+_Various other Players_ (_together_). Surely there's no difficulty in
+beginning? Say "anything," etc., etc.
+
+_A Player_ (_looking round_). Say--say "fireplace."
+
+_First Player._ But that's so silly.
+
+_Master of Ceremonies_ (_who wishes he had never proposed the game_).
+It doesn't matter. All that is needed is a start.
+
+_Another player._ Say "MARGOT."
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_All._ Oh, yes, say "MARGOT."
+
+_First Player._ Very well, then--"MARGOT."
+
+(_More laughter._)
+
+_Second Player_ (_trying to be clever_). "Reticence."
+
+(_Shouts of laughter._)
+
+_Other Players._ How could "MARGOT" suggest "reticence"?
+
+_M. C._ Never mind; the point is that it did. Now then--and please
+everyone be silent--now, then, Third Player?
+
+_Third Player._ "Audacity."
+
+_M. C._ I'm afraid you're not playing quite fairly. You see
+"reticence" cannot suggest "audacity." The First Player's word not
+impossibly might. Could it be that you were still thinking of that?
+
+_Third Player._ I'm sorry. But "reticence" doesn't suggest anything.
+
+_Other Players_ (_together_). Oh, yes, it does--"silence," "grumpiness,"
+"oysters," "Trappists."
+
+_M. C._ If a word suggests nothing whatever to you, you should say,
+"Blank mind."
+
+_Third Player._ Ah, but I've thought of something now--"reticule."
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_M. C._ It's all right. That's how the mind does work. Now, next
+player.
+
+_Fourth Player._ Have I got to say something that "reticule" suggests?
+
+_M. C._ That's the idea--yes.
+
+_A Player._ Say "vanity-bag."
+
+_Another Player._ Say "powder-puff."
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_M. C._ Please, please--either the game is worth playing or it isn't.
+If it is worth playing it is worth playing seriously, and then you can
+get some very funny effects--it's a psychological exhibition; but if
+other players talk at the same time and try to help it's useless. Now,
+next player, please. The word is "reticule."
+
+_Fourth Player_ (_after a long silence_). "Bond Street."
+
+_Fifth Player._ Ah, "Bond Street"! That's better. That suggests
+heaps of things. Which shall I choose? "Chocolates"? No. "Furs"? No.
+"Diamonds"? No. Oh, yes--"Old Masters."
+
+_M. C._ (_with resignation_). But you know you mustn't select. The whole
+point of the game is that you must say what comes automatically into
+your mind as you hear the word.
+
+_Fifth Player._ I'm sorry. Shall I go back to "diamonds"?
+
+_M. C._ No; you had better stick to "Old Masters."
+
+_Fifth Player._ "Old Masters."
+
+_Sixth Player_ (_deaf_). What did you say--"mustard-plasters"?
+
+_Fifth Player._ No; "Old Masters."
+
+_Sixth Player._ I've heard of new men and old acres, but I've never
+heard of Old Pastures. What are they?
+
+_Fifth Player_ (_shouting_). No, no; "Old Masters." Pictures of the Old
+Masters--RAPHAEL, TITIAN.
+
+_Sixth Player._ Ah, yes! "Old Masters." Well, that suggests to me----
+Yes (_triumphantly_), "the National Gallery."
+
+_Seventh Player_ (_who has been waiting sternly_). "Trafalgar Square."
+
+_Eighth Player_ (_instantly_). "NELSON."
+
+_Ninth Player_ (_even more quickly_). "NELSON KEYS."
+
+_M. C._ (_beaming_). That's better. It's going well now.
+
+_Tenth Player._ "England expects----"
+
+_Ninth Player._ No, you can't say that. I could have said that, but
+you can't.
+
+_Tenth Player._ Why not?
+
+_Ninth Player._ Because "NELSON" is all over and done with. The
+new name is "NELSON KEYS." You ought to have thought of something
+connected with him.
+
+_Tenth Player._ If you'd said "KEYS" I might have done. But you said
+"NELSON KEYS," and the "NELSON" touched a spot. Isn't that right?
+
+_M. C._ Quite right. It's the only way to play. But may I once more
+ask that there should be no talking? We shall never be able to unwind
+if there is. Now, please--"England expects----"
+
+_Eleventh Player._ "Duty."
+
+_Twelfth Player._ "Bore."
+
+_Thirteenth Player._ "The Marne."
+
+(_Cries of astonishment._)
+
+_Various Players._ How can "bore" suggest "the Marne"?
+
+_M. C._ But it did. You mustn't mind.
+
+_Twelfth Player._ How did it? Just for fun I'd like to know.
+
+_Thirteenth Player._ Well, when I was on the Marne I used to see the
+marks on the ground made by them.
+
+_Twelfth Player._ By who?
+
+_Thirteenth Player._ The wild boars.
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_Twelfth Player._ But I meant that duty is a bore--b-o-r-e.
+
+_M. C._ (_frantic_). It doesn't matter. It's what you think--not what
+is--in this game. But really we're in such a muddle, wouldn't it be
+better to begin again? You all know the rules now.
+
+_Hostess._ Perhaps "Clumps" might be better, don't you think?
+
+_M. C._ Just as you like. "Clumps," then.
+
+_The Deaf Player._ What is the word now?
+
+_A Player._ We're going to play "Clumps" instead.
+
+_The Deaf Player._ Mumps in bed? I'm sure I don't know what that
+suggests. That's very difficult. But I like this game. It ought to be
+great fun when we unwind.
+
+(_They separate for "Clumps."_)
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fruiterer._ "ROYALTY 'ISSELF, MADAM, COULDN'T WISH FOR
+A BETTER PINEAPPLE THAN THAT."
+
+_Newly-rich Matron._ "WELL, IF ROYALTY CAN BITE 'EM I S'POSE I CAN.
+I'LL 'AVE IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Headline to an article on ladies' fashions:--
+
+    "STOCKINGS COMING DOWN."
+
+This should make the hosiers pull up their socks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Several reasons, besides the claims of humanity, made the
+    Eugenist favour schemes for abolishing the eugenist."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+We are inclined to agree with the Eugenist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A FAT STOCK SHOW.
+
+"THEY'RE TWO SMART 'OGS, I ADMIT. BUT LOOK AT THE PRICE O'
+FOOD-STUFFS. YOU KNOW YERSELF IT DON'T PAY ANYONE TO FEED THESE
+DAYS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISPLACED BENEVOLENCE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--From your earliest years you have preached sound and
+wholesome doctrine on the duty of man to birds and beasts. Indeed,
+I remember your pushing it to extreme lengths in a poem entreating
+people not to mention mint-sauce when conversing with a lamb. Still,
+I wonder whether even you would approve of the title of an article
+in _Nature_ on "The Behaviour of Beetles." Of course I know that
+"behaviour" is a colourless word, still I am rather inclined to doubt
+whether beetles know how to behave at all. I may be prejudiced by my
+own experiences, but they certainly have been unfortunate. They began
+early--at my private school, to be precise. I shall never forget the
+conversation I had, when a new boy, with a sardonic senior who, after
+putting me through the usual catechism, asked me what I was going to
+be. I replied that I had not yet decided, whereupon my tormentor,
+after looking at my feet, which I have never succeeded in growing
+up to, observed, "Well, if I were you, I think I should emigrate to
+Colorado and help to crush the beetle." Later on in life I was the
+victim of a cruel hoax, carried out with triumphant ingenuity by a
+confirmed practical joker, who with the aid of a thread caused what
+appeared to be a gigantic blackbeetle to perform strange and unholy
+evolutions in my sitting-room. Worst of all, I was victimised by the
+presence of a blackbeetle in a plate of clear soup served me at
+my club. I backed my bill, but it was too late, for I am very
+shortsighted.
+
+No, Mr. Punch, I am prepared to discuss the Ethics of Eels, the
+Altruism of Adders, the Piety of Pintails, or even the Benevolence of
+Bluebottles, but (to deviate into doggerel)--
+
+  "Let LANKESTERS, LUBBOCKS and CHEATLES
+    Dilate with a rapturous bliss
+  On the noble behaviour of beetles--
+    _I_ give them a miss."
+
+I am, Mr. Punch, with much respect,
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  PHILANDER BLAMPHIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE TRAGEDIES AND A MORAL.
+
+  There was an imperious old Sage
+  Who upheld the dominion of Age,
+    But his son, a grim youth,
+    Red in claw and in tooth,
+  Shut him up in a chloroformed cage.
+
+  There was also a Child full of beans
+  Who bombarded nine great magazines,
+    But not one of the nine
+    Ever published a line,
+  For the Child was not yet in its teens.
+
+  There was thirdly, to round off these rhymes,
+  A Matron who railed at the crimes
+    Of designers of frocks
+    Who in smart fashion "blocks"
+  Left middle-age out of _The Times_.
+
+  The moral--if morals one seeks
+  In an age of sensation and shrieks--
+    Is this: Even still
+    Things are apt to go ill
+  With old, young and middle-aged freaks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+    "The Grecian women were forbidden entrance to the stadium where
+    the [Olympic] games were being held, and any woman found therein
+    was thrown from the Tarpeian rock."
+
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The French are thinking of building straw houses to remedy the
+    present housing crisis. The first straw house has already been
+    built at Montargis."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Where, presumably, they are trying it on the well-known local Dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Negotiating the intricate traffic of the City was quite easy, the
+    engine being responsive to the slightest touch of the steering
+    wheel. It is just the car for the owner-driver."
+
+    _Financial Paper._
+
+Our chauffeur agrees. He says _he_ wouldn't undertake to drive it down
+the village street, let alone the City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "IS SINGING ON THE DECLINE?
+      A GREAT TENOR'S ADVICE.
+  'NEVER FIGHT AGAINST THE BRASS.'"
+
+_Morning Paper._
+
+
+It is, we believe, the experience of most impresarios that great
+tenors almost invariably fight _for_ the brass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "QUICK, MUMMIE! COME AND HELP BOBBIE--HE'S FALLEN INTO
+THE LUCKY DIP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+So charged is it with liable-to-go-off controversy that I should
+hardly have been astonished to see Mr. H. G. WELLS'S latest volume,
+_Russia in the Shadows_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), embellished with
+the red label of "Explosives." Probably everyone knows by now the
+circumstances of its origin, and how Mr. WELLS and his son are (for
+the moment) the rearguard in that long procession of unprejudiced
+and undeceivable observers who have essayed to pluck the truth about
+Russia from the bottom of the Bolshevist pit. What Mr. WELLS found is
+much what was to be expected: red ruin, want and misery unspeakable.
+The difference between his report and those of most of his forerunners
+is that, being (as one is apt to forget) a highly-trained writer, he
+is able to present it with a technical skill that enormously helps
+the effect. Our author having been unable to deny the shadow, like
+everyone else save perhaps the preposterous Mr. LANSBURY, the only
+outstanding question is who casts it. The ordinary man would probably
+have little hesitation about his answer to that. Mr. WELLS has even
+less. He unhesitatingly names you and me and the French investors and
+several editors. Well, I have no space for more than an indication of
+what you will find in this undeniably vigorous and vehement little
+volume. But I must not forget the photographs. Some of these, of
+devastated streets and the like, have rather lost their novelty.
+Unfortunately, however, for Mr. WELLS as propagandist he has also
+included a number of the most revealing portraits yet available of the
+men who are hag-riding a once great nation to the abyss. I can only
+say that for me those portraits put the finishing touch to Mr. WELLS'S
+argument. They extinguish it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The pictorial wrapper of _A Man of the Islands_ (HUTCHINSON) is
+embellished with a drawing of a coffee-coloured lady in a costume that
+it would be an under-statement to call curtailed, also (inset, as the
+picture-papers say) the portrait of a respectable-looking gentleman in
+a beard. In the printed synopsis that occupies the little tuck-in
+part of the same wrapper you are promised "an entrancing picture
+of breaking seas on lonely islands and tropical nights beneath the
+palms." In other words Mr. H. DE VERE STACPOOLE as before. Lest
+however you should suppose the insularity of this attractive
+pen-artist to be in danger of becoming overdone, I will say at once
+that the six tales from which the book takes its name occupy not much
+more than a third of it, the rest being filled with stories of varied
+setting bearing such titles as "The Queen's Necklace," "The Box of
+Bonbons," and the like--all frankly to be grouped under the head of
+"Financial Measures." This said, it is only fair to add that the
+half-dozen _Sigurdson_ adventures--he was the Man of the Islands, a
+bearded trader, murderer, pearl thief and what not--seem to me a group
+of as rattling good yarns as of their kind one need wish to meet,
+every one with some original and thrilling situation that lifts it far
+above pot-boiling status. I could wish (despite anything above having
+a contrary sound) that Mr. STACPOOLE had given us a whole volume with
+that South Sea setting that so happily stimulates his fancy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. S. P. B. MAIS has not yet extricated himself from the groove into
+which he has fallen. It is not a wholesome groove, and even if it were
+I should not wish an author of his capacity to remain a perpetual
+tenant of it. In _Colour Blind_ (GRANT RICHARDS) we are given the
+promiscuous amours of a schoolmaster, a subject which has apparently a
+peculiar attraction for Mr. MAIS. _Jimmy Penruddocke_, who tells the
+story, left the Army and could not find a job until he was offered a
+mastership at a public school. The school rather than _Jimmy_ has
+my sympathies. There was nothing peculiarly alluring about this
+philanderer to account for the devastating magnetism which he exerted
+upon the female heart. To describe all this orgy of caresses could
+hardly have been worth anyone's time and trouble; certainly it was
+not worth Mr. MAIS'S. I say this with all the more assurance because,
+greatly as I dislike the main theme of this novel, there are many good
+things in it. There is, for example, _Mark Champernowne_ (_Jimmy's_
+friend), a finely and consistently drawn character, and there are
+descriptive passages which are vividly beautiful and also some
+delightful gleams of humour. I think that when Mr. MAIS'S sense of
+humour has developed further he will agree with me that a man who
+loved as promiscuously as _Jimmy_ and then wrote over three hundred
+pages about it could, without much straining of the truth, be called a
+cad.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For many reasons I could wish that England were China. It would be
+nice, for instance, to address the HOME SECRETARY as "Redoubtable
+Hunter of Criminals" and to call the Board of Exterior Affairs (if we
+had one) "Wai-wo-poo." I should like my house also to be named "The
+Palace of the Hundred Flowers." I think there are about a hundred,
+though I have not counted them. But in China it is above all things
+necessary to be an ancestor, and this may lead to complications if Mr.
+G. S. DE MORANT, who appears to be much more at home with the French
+and the Oriental idiom than the English, is to be trusted. _In the
+Claws of the Dragon_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) describes the experiences of a
+young lady named _Monique_, who married the Secretary to the Chinese
+Embassy in Paris and was obliged, after visiting her relations-in-law,
+to reconcile herself to the introduction of a second wife into the
+family, in order that their notions of propriety might be respected
+and an heir born to the line. When she had consented she returned to
+Paris and wrote the following cablegram from her own mother's house:
+"You have acted as a good son and a faithful husband. Bring back with
+you the mother of our (_sic_) child." And so, the author evidently
+feels, it all ended happily. His book is an interesting and amusing
+presentment of an older civilisation, but if it won't strain the
+_Entente_ I am bound to say that I disagree with his conclusions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I fear it may sound an unkindly criticism, but my abiding trouble with
+_Broken Colour_ (LANE) was an inability to get any of the characters,
+with perhaps one exception, to come alive or behave otherwise than as
+parts of a thoroughly nice-mannered and unsensational story. Perhaps
+it was my own fault. Mr. HAROLD OHLSON (whose previous book I liked)
+has obviously, perhaps a little too obviously, done his best for these
+people. It is a tale of two rivalries: that for the heroine, between
+the penniless artist-hero and a pound-full other; and that in the
+breast of the p.a.h., between the flesh-pots of commerce and the
+world-well-lost-for-Chelsea. It is typical of Mr. OHLSON'S care that,
+though one would in such a situation nine times out of ten be safe
+in backing Art for the double event, he makes so even a match of it
+between _Hubert_ and _Ralph_ that he leaves the heroine ringing the
+door-bell of the one immediately after kissing the other. You observe
+that I was perhaps really more interested in the contest than
+my opening words would suggest, but it was always in a detached
+story-book way; except in the case of a mildly unsympathetic
+secretary, represented as having spent too much time in the
+contemplation of other persons' affluence, also as owning an
+expensive-looking stick that made him long to be as rich as it caused
+him to appear. I hate to think that there can have been anything here
+to touch a chord in the reviewing breast, but the fact remains that
+_Mr. Burnham_ stands out for me as the only genuinely human figure in
+the book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Blessed, no doubt, is the nation or the man without a history, but
+blessed too is the biographer who has something definite to write
+about. Mr. C. CARLISLE TAYLOR, in putting together his _Life of
+Admiral Mahan_ (MURRAY), the American naval philosopher and prophet,
+must have felt this keenly, for rarely can a man whose work was so
+important that he simply had to have a biography have done so few
+things of the kind that help to fill up a book. The Admiral not only
+foresaw the great War before 1914; he even suggested definite details
+of it--for instance, the loyalty of Italy to Western civilisation and
+the final surrender of the German fleet; yet in himself, though the
+writer draws an attractive picture of his home and religious life,
+he was only a kindly Christian gentleman who lectured to a few naval
+students. This is not the stuff to turn into a thrilling life-story,
+yet his studies on _Sea-Power_ in relation to national greatness must
+certainly be reckoned among the prime causes of world-war. They set
+the Germans trying to outbuild the British fleet; more fortunately
+they were an inspiration to naval enthusiasts in this country also.
+Mr. TAYLOR has a pleasant chapter describing the immediate recognition
+and welcome his hero received in England, while it has taken quite a
+number of chapters to do justice to all the written tributes to his
+genius that the energetic author has collected. Personally, if ever I
+had been in doubt about it, I should have been quite willing to take
+that genius for granted some time before the end, and could indeed
+recommend the volume much more happily if it were reduced by about
+half. It will be valuable mainly as a necessary work of reference.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Artist_ (_condescendingly_). "I DID THIS LAST SUMMER.
+IT REALLY ISN'T MUCH GOOD."
+
+_Candid Friend._ "NO, IT CERTAINLY ISN'T. BUT WHO TOLD YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Well-Informed Press.
+
+    "At Kensington Palace the ground frost registered 9 deg. Fahr.,
+    which represents 23 degrees below zero."--_Evening Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WELLS HITS BACK AT CHURCHILL."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+Not the Bombardier, as you might think, but BERT WELLS.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's notes:
+
+   Page 481: Tristan d'Acunha--this spelling also appears in the
+   previous issue of 'Punch'.
+
+   Page 488: Single quote corrected to double quote.
+
+   Page 493: Replaced missing double quote.
+
+   Page 494: Replaced missing opening quote.
+
+   Page 498: Removed extraneous closing quote.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+159, DECEMBER 22, 1920***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 19350-8.txt or 19350-8.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/19350-8.zip b/19350-8.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..23cba32
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-8.zip
diff --git a/19350-h.zip b/19350-h.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..54463fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h.zip
diff --git a/19350-h/19350-h.htm b/19350-h/19350-h.htm
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..216b6b6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/19350-h.htm
@@ -0,0 +1,3518 @@
+<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN"
+	"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd">
+<html>
+<head>
+<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" />
+<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 22, 1920, by Various</title>
+<style type="text/css">
+
+body {
+	margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%;
+}
+p {
+	text-align: justify;
+}
+p.center {
+    text-align: center;
+}
+p.center1 {
+    text-align: center;
+	line-height: 40%;
+}
+p.author {
+	margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right;
+}
+p.author1 {
+	margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 17%; text-align: right;
+}
+
+.note {
+	font-size: 0.8em;
+	margin-left: 15%;
+	margin-right: 15%;
+}
+
+p.right {
+text-align: right;
+}
+
+p.indent {
+    text-indent: 1.5em;
+}
+blockquote {
+	text-align: justify;
+}
+h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 {
+	text-align: center;
+}
+td {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: center;
+	padding-left: 1em;
+	padding-right: 1em;
+}
+
+td.left {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: left;
+	padding-left: 1em;
+	padding-right: 1em;
+}
+
+td.left1 {
+   font-size: 0.9em;
+   text-align: left;
+   padding-left: 0.2em;
+   padding-right: 0;
+}
+
+td.right {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: right;
+	padding-left: 1em;
+	padding-right: 1em;
+}
+
+
+
+td.inset {
+    font-size: 0.9em;
+	text-align: center;
+	padding: 1em;
+	border: 2px solid black;
+}
+
+td.obit {
+    font-size: 1.0em;
+	text-align: left;
+	font-weight: bold;
+	padding: 1em;
+	border: 3px solid black;
+}
+
+td.note {
+	  text-align: left;
+	  font-size: 0.9em;
+	  font-weight: normal;
+	  border: 1px dashed;
+	  padding: 1em;
+	  }
+
+td.bigbrace {
+      font-size: 2.5em;
+	  font-weight: normal;
+	  padding: 0;
+      }
+
+ul {
+	  margin-left: 8%;
+	  list-style-type: none;
+	  }
+ul.left {
+	  margin-left: 7%;
+	  list-style-type: none;
+	  }
+
+hr {
+	width: 50%; text-align: center;
+}
+hr.full {
+	width: 100%;
+}
+hr.short {
+	width: 20%; text-align: center;
+}
+
+span.pagenum {
+	font-size: 8pt; right: 91%; left: 1%; position: absolute;
+}
+.sc {
+	font-variant: small-caps;
+	font-weight: normal;
+}
+
+.sc1 {
+	font-variant: small-caps;
+	font-weight: bold;
+}
+
+span.outdent {
+	text-align: left;
+	margin-left: -2em;
+	font-size: 1.0em;
+	font-weight: normal;
+}
+span.outdent1 {
+	text-align: left;
+	margin-left: -2.5em;
+	font-size: 1.0em;
+	font-weight: normal;
+}
+
+sub {
+font-size: 0.7em;
+}
+
+.uline {
+text-decoration: underline;
+}
+
+.poem {
+	margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left;
+}
+.poem .stanza {
+	margin: 1em 0em;
+}
+.poem p {
+	padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em;
+}
+.poem p.i2 {
+	margin-left: 1em;
+}
+.poem p.i4 {
+	margin-left: 2em;
+}
+.poem p.i6 {
+	margin-left: 3em
+}
+.poem p.i8 {
+	margin-left: 4em
+}
+.poem p.i10 {
+	margin-left: 5em
+}
+.poem p.i12 {
+	margin-left: 6em
+}
+.poem p.i16 {
+	margin-left: 8em
+}
+.poem p.i24 {
+	margin-left: 12em
+}
+.poem p.i32 {
+	margin-left: 16em
+}
+.poem p.i40 {
+	margin-left: 20em
+}
+
+.poem1 {
+	margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 35%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left;
+}
+.poem1 .stanza {
+	margin: 1em 0em;
+}
+.poem1 p {
+	padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em;
+}
+.poem1 p.i2 {
+	margin-left: 1em;
+}
+.poem1 p.i4 {
+	margin-left: 2em;
+}
+.poem1 p.i6 {
+	margin-left: 3em
+}
+.poem1 p.i8 {
+	margin-left: 4em
+}
+.poem1 p.i10 {
+	margin-left: 5em
+}
+.poem1 p.i12 {
+	margin-left: 6em
+}
+.poem1 p.i16 {
+	margin-left: 8em
+}
+.poem1 p.i24 {
+	margin-left: 12em
+}
+.poem1 p.i32 {
+	margin-left: 16em
+}
+.poem1 p.i40 {
+	margin-left: 20em
+}
+
+
+.figure {
+	padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;
+}
+.figcenter {
+	padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;
+}
+.figright {
+	padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;
+}
+.figleft {
+	padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center;
+}
+.figure img {
+	border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;
+}
+.figcenter img {
+	border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;
+}
+.figright img {
+	border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;
+}
+.figleft img {
+	border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none;
+}
+.figure p {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;
+}
+.figcenter p {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;
+}
+.figright p {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;
+}
+.figleft p {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em;
+}
+.figure p.in {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;
+}
+.figcenter p.in {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;
+}
+.figright p.in {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;
+}
+.figleft p.in {
+	margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em;
+}
+.figcenter {
+	margin: auto;
+}
+.figright {
+	float: right;
+}
+.figleft {
+	float: left;
+}
+
+     a:link {
+     color: #3300ff;
+	 background: #ffffff;
+     text-decoration: none;
+     }
+
+     a:visited {
+     color: #3300ff;
+	 background: #ffffff;
+     text-decoration: none;
+     }
+
+	 a:active {
+     color: #3300ff;
+	 background: #ffffff;
+     text-decoration: none;
+     }
+
+    hr.pg { width: 100%;
+              margin-top: 0em;
+              margin-bottom: 0em;
+              border: solid black;
+              height: 5px; }
+    pre      {font-size: 75%;}
+
+</style>
+</head>
+<body>
+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+December 22, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 22, 1920</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: September 22, 2006  [eBook #19350]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 159, DECEMBER 22, 1920***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net/)</h4>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 159.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h3><span class="sc1">December 22nd, 1920.</span></h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page481" id="page481"></a>[pg 481]</span>
+
+<h4>CHARIVARIA.</h4>
+
+<p>
+It is pointed out that the display of
+December meteors is more than usually
+lavish. Send a postcard to your M.P.
+about it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> recently stated
+that the first prize he ever won was for
+singing. It is only fair to say that this
+happened in the pre-<span class="sc">Northcliffe</span> era.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>An elderly Londoner recalls a Christmas
+when the cold was so intense that
+in a Soho restaurant the ices froze.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There has arrived at the Zoo a bird
+akin to the partridge and excellent for
+the table, but unable to fly.
+The very thing for the estate
+of a sporting profiteer.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"What is the best fire preventative?"
+asks a weekly
+journal. The answer is, the
+present price of coal.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The National Rat Campaign
+this year, we are told, was a
+great success. On the other
+hand we gather that several
+rats have threatened to issue
+a minority report.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"There is nothing so enjoyable,"
+says a newspaper correspondent,
+"as a trip across
+the water to Ireland." Except,
+of course, a trip back again.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A number of Huns are receiving
+Iron Crosses through the
+post inscribed "Your Fatherland
+does not forget you." How
+like Germany! She won't even
+allow bygones to be bygones.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Let Christmas come," says a contemporary
+headline. We have arranged
+to do so.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Minneapolis judge rules that a man
+has the right to declare himself head of
+the household. Opinion in this country
+agrees that he has the right but rarely
+the pluck.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"My faith in the League of Nations
+is not shaken," says Lord <span class="sc">Robert Cecil</span>.
+This is the dogged spirit which is going
+to make this country what it used to be.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"It may yet be possible," according to
+the Water Power Resources Committee,
+"to harness the moon." This of course
+would depend upon whether Sir <span class="sc">Eric
+Geddes</span> would let them have it or not.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Cinema stunt actors, says <i>The Manchester
+Guardian</i>, expect to be paid fifty
+pounds for a motor smash. It seems
+an injustice that ordinary pedestrians
+should have to take part in this sort of
+thing for nothing.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The continued disappearance of notepaper
+from a well-known club has now
+been traced to a large female cat, and
+most of the paper has been recovered
+from her sleeping-basket. It is thought
+that she was probably preparing to
+write her memoirs.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A burglar who broke into a private
+house near Hitchin helped himself to
+a good supper before leaving. It is
+pleasing to learn, however, that, judging
+by the disordered state in which the
+pantry was left, the Stilton cheese must
+have put up a splendid fight.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>It was most unfortunate that Mr.
+<span class="sc">"Fatty" Arbuckle's</span> visit to London
+should have clashed with the Cattle
+Show at the Royal Agricultural Hall.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>During a recent revue performance
+in London the conductor accidentally
+turned over two pages of music at once
+and the orchestra suddenly ceased playing.
+Several words of the chorus were
+actually heard by those sitting in front
+before the mistake could be rectified.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Green peas in excellent condition,
+says a contemporary, have been picked at
+Pentlow, Sussex. It serves them right.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Although Labour extremists are
+now much quieter it would take very
+little to set the ball of discontent into
+motion once again," states a writer in
+the Sunday Press. This being so, is
+it not rather unwise to let Christmas
+Day fall this year on the workmen's
+half holiday?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We question the wisdom of drawing
+the attention of Parliament to the
+silence of the <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span>. If he
+is goaded into breaking it we shall
+know whom to blame.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"If people at home only knew how
+grateful we are for <i>anything</i> that is
+sent us," writes a lady from the island
+of Tristan d'Acunha. If they are as
+easily pleased as that, the idea of sending
+them Lieut.-Commander
+<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span> should not be lost
+sight of.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The Hexathlon," we read,
+"is a form of contest new to
+this country." Mind you get
+one for the children at Christmas.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A new type of American warship
+is expected to be able to
+cross the Atlantic in a little
+over three days. It will be
+remembered that the fastest of
+the 1914 lot took nearly three
+years.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Large numbers of Filipinos
+are resisting an edict requiring
+them to wear trousers. Unfortunately
+it is impossible to
+offer to accommodate them all
+in the ranks of the Chicago
+Scottish.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Riverside residents remarked
+that just before the cold set in
+large flocks of seagulls passed up the
+Thames. Well, what did they expect?
+Flamingoes?</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. A. B. <span class="sc">Walkley</span> has remarked
+that a prejudice against actors is as old
+as the stage. It is satisfactory to think
+that it is no older and that in many cases
+it may be removed by a change of profession.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"I never dreamed of anything like
+this when I invented the telephone,"
+said Dr. <span class="sc">Bell</span> after a demonstration.
+Neither as a matter of fact did we when
+we hired ours.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Owing to the fact that Dr. <span class="sc">Bell</span>
+has experienced no unpleasantness
+during his stay over here, it is thought
+that the American genius who invented
+revues may now risk a visit to our
+shores.</p>
+<br /><br />
+
+<table align="center" width="600px" summary="obit">
+<tr>
+<td class="obit">
+<p>
+It is with the deepest sorrow that we record the
+death of F. H. Townsend, which occurred, without
+any warning, on December 11th. Their personal
+loss is keenly felt by his colleagues of the <i>Punch</i>
+Table, to whom the fresh candour of his nature
+and his brave gaiety of spirit, not less than his
+technical skill and resourcefulness, were a constant
+delight and will remain an inspiration. As Art Editor
+he will be greatly missed by the many contributors
+who have been helped by his kindly counsel and
+encouragement. Of the gap that he leaves in the
+world of Art they are sadly conscious who followed
+and appreciated his fine work not only in the
+pages of <i>Punch</i>  but in his book-illustrations and
+in those appeals for charity to which he always
+gave freely of his best.</p>
+<p>
+To his nearest and dearest among the wide circle
+that loved him we ask leave to offer the sympathy
+of friends who truly share their grief. With them
+we mourn a life untimely closed, and great gifts
+lost to us while still in their fulness; but we take
+comfort in the thought that death touched him with
+swift and gentle hand, and that he died with harness
+on, as a man would choose to die.</p>
+</td></tr></table><br /><br /><br />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page482" id="page482"></a>[pg 482]</span>
+
+
+<h3>"THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT."</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">In Affectionate Memory of F. H. Townsend</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>Only a few days before the sudden tragedy which took
+from us our colleague of the <i>Punch</i> Staff, he made me a
+small request, very characteristic of his kindly heart. It
+was that I should put in these pages a notice of <i>The
+Christmas Spirit</i>, the illustrated annual published in aid
+of the work of Talbot House ("Toc. H."), in which he had
+taken a practical interest. In carrying out his wish I want
+not only to plead in behalf of a good cause, but also to
+associate this appeal with the memory of one with whom
+for over fourteen years I have worked in close and happy
+comradeship.</p>
+
+<p>In case any reader of <i>Punch</i> has yet to be introduced to
+the idea of Talbot House, let me explain that its purpose
+is to carry on in peace-time the work that was done by the
+original "Toc. H.," which from 1915 to 1918, under the
+management of the Rev. P. R. <span class="sc">Clayton</span>, M.C., Garrison
+Chaplain, provided the comforts of a club and rest-house at
+Poperinghe for soldiers passing to and fro in the deadly
+Salient of Ypres. Its objects&mdash;I quote from <i>The Christmas
+Spirit</i>&mdash;are:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"(1) &nbsp;To preserve among ex-Service men and to transmit
+to the younger generation the traditions of Christian Fellowship
+and Service manifested on Active Service.</p>
+
+<p>(2) &nbsp;To offer opportunities for recreation and the making
+of friendships to thousands of men who find life a difficult
+salient to hold.</p>
+
+<p>(3) &nbsp;To provide opportunities for men of all kinds to come
+together in the Spirit of Service, to study, to discuss and,
+if possible, to solve the problems of their time.</p>
+
+<p>(4) &nbsp;To offer the help and happiness of club life at a low
+rate by establishing clubs in many centres throughout the
+country as the focus of the brotherhood."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The noble work done by Talbot House in Poperinghe and
+Ypres was gratefully recognised by the scores of thousands
+of our troops whose needs it served in those hard days, but
+it was only when the War was over that its story was made
+known to the public at home in <i>Tales of Talbot House</i>
+(<span class="sc">Chatto and Windus</span>), which received a warm welcome in
+the review columns of <i>Punch</i>. This was followed recently
+by <i>The Pilgrim's Guide to the Ypres Salient</i> (<span class="sc">Reiach</span>), a
+little book compiled and written, as a labour of love, entirely
+by ex-Service men. Besides being actually a present-day
+guide to the Salient, it contains special articles illustrating
+the life that was there lived during the War by various
+branches of the service. And now we have the annual of
+"Toc. H."&mdash;<i>The Christmas Spirit</i>&mdash;to which the <span class="sc">Prince of
+Wales</span> has given a foreword and a host of brilliant authors
+and artists have freely contributed. Here are <span class="sc">Rudyard
+Kipling, Stephen Graham, G. K. Chesterton, E. F. Benson,
+Ian Hay, Gilbert Frankau, W. Rothenstein, "Spy,"
+Derwent Wood, Heath Robinson</span> and, of <i>Punch</i> artists,
+<span class="sc">F. H. Townsend, Lewis Baumer, G. L. Stampa, George
+Morrow, G. D. Armour, E. H. Shepard, "Fougasse,"
+Wallis Mills</span> and <span class="sc">H. M. Bateman</span>.</p>
+
+<p>The four contributions of <span class="sc">F. H. Townsend</span> include a
+"first study" for a drawing that appeared recently in <i>Punch</i>
+and a delightful sketch of "The Christmas Spirit," as
+typified by a St. Bernard dog from whose little keg of
+brandy a traveller, up to the neck in snow, is reviving
+himself.</p>
+
+<p>Out of the great scheme in whose aid this remarkable
+annual has been published have already sprung two Talbot
+Houses, one in Queen's Gate Gardens, and one in St. George's
+Square. There is still need of a main headquarters in London
+and hostels for its branches, more than sixty of them, spread
+all over the country. "'Toc. H.,'" says its Padre, "is not
+a charity. Once opened our Hostel Clubs are self-supporting,
+as our experience already proves. In Edinburgh, Liverpool,
+Manchester, Bristol, Newcastle, Birmingham, Leeds, Sheffield,
+two thousand pounds will open a house for which our
+branches in each of these places are crying out. It is only
+the original outlay, the furniture and the first quarter's rent,
+which stand between us and a whole series of such houses
+in the great provincial centres. Fifty pounds will endow a
+bedroom, where a lad can live cheaper than in the dingiest
+lodgings, and know something better of a great city than
+that it is a place where all evil is open to him and all good
+is behind closed doors.... 'Toc. H.,' we repeat, is <i>not</i>
+another recurrent charity. It is a wise way of helping to
+meet our debt of honour; it is a living and growing memorial,
+charged with the task of making reincarnate in the younger
+world the qualities which saved us."</p>
+
+<p><i>Punch</i> ventures to add his voice to this claim upon our
+honour and gratitude; and, if I may, I would like to make
+appeal to all who loved the work of our friend who is dead,
+that they should send some offering to this good cause as
+a personal tribute to the memory of a man who, in his own
+form of service, did so much to cheer the hearts of our
+fighting men in the dark hours that are over.</p>
+
+<p>Contributions should be addressed to the Rev. P. B.
+<span class="sc">Clayton</span>, M.C., Effingham House, Arundel Street, Strand,
+W.C.2.</p>
+
+<p class="author">O. S.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>THE FAIRY TAILOR</h3>.
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Sitting on the flower-bed beneath the hollyhocks</p>
+<p>I spied the tiny tailor who makes the fairies' frocks;</p>
+<p>There he sat a-stitching all the afternoon</p>
+<p>And sang a little ditty to a quaint wee tune:</p>
+<p class="i2">"Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves,</p>
+<p class="i2">Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves,</p>
+<p class="i2">White for the pixies that dance upon the green,</p>
+<p class="i2">But where shall I find me a robe for the Queen?"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>All about the garden his little men he sent,</p>
+<p>Up and down and in and out unceasingly they went;</p>
+<p>Here they stole a blossom, there they pulled a leaf,</p>
+<p>And bound them up with gossamer into a glowing sheaf.</p>
+<p class="i2">Petals of the pansy for little velvet shoon,</p>
+<p class="i2">Silk of the poppy for a dance beneath the moon,</p>
+<p class="i2">Lawn of the jessamine, damask of the rose,</p>
+<p class="i2">To make their pretty kirtles and airy furbelows.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Never roving pirates back from Southern seas</p>
+<p>Brought a store of treasures home beautiful as these;</p>
+<p>They heaped them all about him in a sweet gay pile,</p>
+<p>But still he kept a-stitching and a-singing all the while:</p>
+<p class="i2">"Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves,</p>
+<p class="i2">Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves,</p>
+<p class="i2">White for the pixies that dance on the green,</p>
+<p class="i2">But who shall make a royal gown to deck the Fairy Queen?"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i40">R. F.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Unless he wishes to raise a hornet's nest about his ears we would
+advise him to let sleeping dogs lie."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Local Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Personally we never keep a dog that harbours hornets.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>From a concert-programme:&mdash;</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Fantastic Symphony ... Berlioz in a Vodka Shop ... Bax."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Birmingham Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>This should help to combat the current opinion that
+<span class="sc">Berlioz</span> is dry.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Sir Johnston Forbes-Robertson said there were, in certain places,
+some forms of light entertainments which, to say the least, wanted
+carefully watching."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>At present, we gather, the wrong people do the watching.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page483" id="page483"></a>[pg 483]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/483.png"><img src="images/483-370.png" width="370" height="450" alt="SING A SONG OF DRACHMAS." /></a>
+<h4>SING A SONG OF DRACHMAS.</h4>
+
+<h5>(<i>TINO AT ATHENS</i>.)</h5>
+
+<p class="center">THE KING WAS IN HIS COUNTING-HOUSE
+LOOKING FOR HIS MONEY.</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page484" id="page484"></a>[pg 484]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/484.png"><img src="images/484-600.png" width="600" height="431" alt="Yes, but none of the other boys have to be called 'Skunky.'" /></a>
+<p><i>Man of Wealth (to his son just home for the
+holidays)</i>.
+<span class="sc">"And why don't you like your fur coat? I'll bet none of the
+other boys 'ave got one."</span></p>
+<p><i>Son</i>. <span class="sc">"Yes, but none of the other boys have to be called
+'Skunky.'"</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>THOUGHTS IN A COLD SNAP.</h3>
+
+<p>It is going to be very cold when I
+get up, which will be almost immediately&mdash;very
+cold indeed. It was zero
+yesterday; it may be below the line
+to-day, twenty or thirty below the
+line&mdash;even more. A little slam, perhaps,
+in spades. There are icicles hanging
+from the window-frame; and it is a
+curious thing, when one comes to think
+of it, what a lot of things there are that
+rhyme with icicle: tricycle, bicycle,
+phthisical, psychical&mdash;no, I am wrong,
+not psychical ...</p>
+
+<p>Anyhow, it is going to be very cold.
+Some people do not mind the cold.
+There are people bathing in the Serpentine
+at this moment, I suppose, and
+apparently nothing can be done about
+it. They ju-just break the ice and
+ju-jump in. And yet it is not their ice;
+it is the <span class="sc">King's</span>. It seems to me that
+it ought to be made illegal, this breaking
+of the <span class="sc">King</span>'s ice, like the breaking
+of windows in Whitehall. These ice-breakers
+seem to me as bad as the
+people who say, "It's going to be a
+nice old-fashioned Christmas, with Yule-logs
+and things." Not that I object to
+Yule-logs. I have some in my own
+Yule-shed, hand-sawn by myself, though
+I am not a good hand-sawyer. When
+I get about halfway through, the saw
+begins to gnash its teeth and groan at
+me. It seems to me that what is
+wanted is a machine for turning the
+logs round and round while one holds
+the saw steady. But there is something
+beautiful in burning the Yule-logs
+of one's own fashioning that makes
+one feel like the sculptor when at last
+the living beauty has burst forth under
+his chisel from the shapeless stone.
+Besides, they are cheaper than coal.</p>
+
+<p>As I say, when people talk of "Yule-logs
+and things," it is not the Yule-logs
+that I object to. It is the things. Nasty
+cold things like clean shirts and collars
+and bedroom door-handles&mdash;there ought
+to be hot water in bedroom door-handles&mdash;nasty
+cold things that make one say
+"Ugh." I have a theory that the word
+"Ugh" was invented on some such
+morning as this. Previously people
+had been contented with noises like
+"Ouch" and "Ouf" and "Ur-r,"
+though they realised how inadequate
+they were. And then one day, one very
+cold <span style="font-size: 0.7em;"><sup>0</sup></span>&frasl;<span style="font-size: 0.7em;">40</span> day, inspiration came to the
+frenzied brain of a genius, and he wrote
+down that single exquisite heart-cry
+and hurried it off to the printer. People
+knew then that the supreme mating of
+sound and sense, which we have agreed
+to call poetry, had once more been
+achieved.</p>
+
+<p>But I have wandered a little from the
+Serpentine. Has it ever struck you what
+people who bathe in the Serpentine on
+days like this are like during the rest of
+the year?</p>
+
+<p>Suppose it is a balmy spring morning,
+a mild temperate afternoon in early
+summer, a soft autumn twilight when
+everyone else is happy and content,
+what are they doing then? Positively
+bathed in perspiration, groaning under
+the burden of the sun, mopping their
+shining foreheads and putting cabbage-leaves
+under their hats. And then at last
+comes the day they have longed for
+and looked forward to all through the
+twelve-months' heat-wave, a beautiful
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page485" id="page485"></a>[pg 485]</span>
+day forty degrees below the belt. They
+spring out of bed and fling wide the
+casement. That is what they intend
+to do, at least. As a matter of fact, of
+course, it is stuck, and they have to
+bash it out with a bolster, sending the
+icicles clinking into the basement.
+"Delicious!" they say, leaning out
+and breathing deep. Then they chip a
+piece of ice out of the water-jug with
+a hammer, rub it on their faces and
+begin to shave.</p>
+
+<p>They shave in their cotton pyjamas,
+with bare feet, humming a song. Then
+they put on old flannels and a blazer,
+wrap a towel round their neck, light a
+cigarette, pick up a mattock and stroll
+to Hyde Park. When they get there
+they feloniously break the <span class="sc">King's</span> ice.
+Then they "ugh." The mere thought
+of these people ughing with a great
+splash into the Serpentine makes me
+feel ill. When I think of them afterwards
+sitting lazily on the bank and
+letting the blizzard dry their hair,
+basking in the snow for an hour or two
+and reading their morning paper, and
+every now and then throwing a snowball
+or a piece of "ugh" into the water,
+I hate them. Nobody ought to be
+allowed to bathe in the Serpentine on
+days like this except the swans, who
+paddle all night to hold the ice at bay.
+I wonder if I could get a swan and
+keep it in the water-jug.</p>
+
+<p>Half-past eight? Yes, I did hear,
+thank you. I am really going to get
+up very soon now.</p>
+
+<p>What I am going to do is to make
+one tiger-like leap&mdash;tiger-like leap, I say&mdash;for
+the bathroom door and turn the
+hot-water tap full on until the whole of
+the upper part of the house is filled with
+steam.</p>
+
+<p>I am going to do it this very moment.
+I&mdash;yes&mdash;ugh.</p>
+
+<p>Now I come to think of it a tiger-like
+leap would be quite the wrong idea.
+I am glad I did not do it. Tigers are
+not cold when they leap. "Tiger, tiger,
+burning bright." Tiger, tiger&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>What did you say? A quarter to
+nine? What? And the water-pipes
+frozen? <i>Are</i> they?</p>
+
+<p class="indent">Thankugh.</p>
+
+<p class="author">K.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+<h4>"WIDOW KISSED BY BURGLAR.</h4>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Adventure with a Soft-Voiced Giant.</span></h4>
+
+<p>The gurglar took nothing away with him."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Scots Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>"Gurglar" seems the <i>mot juste</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><h4>
+"&mdash;&mdash; <span class="sc1">Club.</span></h4>
+<p class="center">
+Monthly medal competition. Returns:&mdash;
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<table align="center" summary="Club comp.">
+<tr>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">Gross.</td>
+       <td class="right">Hep.</td>
+       <td class="right">Nett.</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">F. Slicer</td>
+       <td class="right">92&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">8&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">84&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">W. H. Putter</td>
+       <td class="right">103&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">16&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">87"</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+ <br />
+
+
+
+<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p>
+
+<p>If only the Judicious <span class="sc">Hooker</span> had been
+playing he might have downed them
+both.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<a href="images/485.png"><img src="images/485-319.png" width="319" height="450" alt="AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM." /></a>
+<h4>AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM.</h4>
+
+<p><i>Mother (trying to calm her lachrymose offspring</i>). "<span class="sc">'Ere,
+Albert&mdash;look at the
+pretty fishes.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">The Pig.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The way in which he eats and drinks</p>
+<p class="i2">Is so extremely crude</p>
+<p>That nearly everybody thinks</p>
+<p class="i2">The pig enjoys his food.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But when I see how very fast,</p>
+<p class="i2">Without one single chew,</p>
+<p>He gobbles up his huge repast,</p>
+<p class="i2">I'm sure it isn't true.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Far nobler than your Uncle Joe,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who simply sits and sits,</p>
+<p>Revolving, gluttonous and slow,</p>
+<p class="i2">The more attractive bits;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Far nobler than your Uncle Dick,</p>
+<p class="i2">Who likes the choicest food,</p>
+<p>And, if he doesn't have the pick,</p>
+<p class="i2">Is very, very rude;</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The pig has not a word to say</p>
+<p class="i2">To subtleties of taste;</p>
+<p>He eats whatever comes his way</p>
+<p class="i2">With admirable haste.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In fact, the pig may well resent</p>
+<p class="i2">The insult to his line</p>
+<p>When certain of the affluent</p>
+<p class="i2">Are said to eat like swine.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i16">A. P. H.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"None are much better than others, and
+some are much worse."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>New Zealand Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We fear the writer is a pessimist.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page486" id="page486"></a>[pg 486]</span>
+
+<h3>TAFFY THE FOX.</h3>
+<blockquote class="note">
+<p>[Mr. <span class="sc">Horatio Bottomley</span> has complained of the war-time efforts
+of the <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span>, and desires the appointment of a national
+bard whose mind is more attuned to the soul of the British nation.
+Recent political events are not of course a very inspiring subject for
+serious verse, but we have tried to do our feeble best here in faint
+imitation of one of the manners of Mr. <span class="sc">John Masefield</span>.]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Safe and snug from the wind and rain</p>
+<p>In a thick of gorse with a tranquil brain</p>
+<p>The fox had slept, and his dreams were all</p>
+<p>Of the wild Welsh hills and the country's call;</p>
+<p>He slept all night in the Wan Tun Waste,</p>
+<p>He woke at dawn and about he faced,</p>
+<p>He flexed his ears and he flaired the breeze</p>
+<p>And scratched with his foot some poor wee fleas;</p>
+<p>He sat on his haunches, doubted, stood;</p>
+<p>To his left were the lairs of his native wood,</p>
+<p>The deep yew darkness of Cowall Itchen;</p>
+<p>He flaired, I say, with his nostrils twitching</p>
+<p>Till he smelt the sound of the Fleet Street stunt</p>
+<p>And over the hillside came the Hunt.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Over the hillside, clop, clip, clep,</p>
+<p>And the dappled beauties, Ginger and Pep,</p>
+<p>Live Wire, Thruster, Fetch Him and Snatch Him,</p>
+<p>They were coming to bite him and pinch him and scratch him,</p>
+<p>Whimpering, nosing, scenting his crimes,</p>
+<p>The Evening News and The Morning Times.</p>
+<p>"Yooi! On to him! Yooi there!"  Hounds were in;</p>
+<p>He slunk like a ghost to the edge of the whin;</p>
+<p>"Hark! Holloa! Hoick!" They were on his trail.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The huntsman, Alfred, rode The Mail,</p>
+<p>A bright bay mount, his best of prancers,</p>
+<p>Out of Forget-me-not by Answers.</p>
+<p>A thick-set man was Alf, and hard;</p>
+<p>He chewed a straw from the stable-yard;</p>
+<p>He owned a chestnut, The Dispatch,</p>
+<p>With one white sock and one white patch;</p>
+<p>And had bred a mare called Comic Cuts;</p>
+<p>He was a man with fearful guts.</p>
+<p>So too was Rother, the first whip,</p>
+<p>Nothing could give this man the pip;</p>
+<p>He rode The Mirror, a raking horse,</p>
+<p>A piebald full of points and force.</p>
+<p>All that was best in English life,</p>
+<p>All that appealed to man or wife,</p>
+<p>Sweet peas or standard bread or sales</p>
+<p>These two men loved. They hated Wales.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The fox burst out with a flair of cunning,</p>
+<p>He ran like mad and he went on running;</p>
+<p>He made his point for the Heroes' Pleasance,</p>
+<p>By Hang Bill Copse, where he roused the pheasants.</p>
+<p>They rose with a whirr and kuk, kuk, kukkered;</p>
+<p>The fox ran on with a mask unpuckered</p>
+<p>By Boshale Stump and Uttermost Penny,</p>
+<p>Where the grass was short and the tracks were many.</p>
+<p>He tried the clay and he tried the marl,</p>
+<p>A workman's whippet began to snarl;</p>
+<p>Into the Dodder a splash he went;</p>
+<p>All that he cared was to change the scent,</p>
+<p>And half of the pack from the line he shook</p>
+<p>By paddling about in the Beaver Brook.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He swerved to the left at Maynard Keynes,</p>
+<p>With an eye to sheep and an eye to drains;</p>
+<p>By Old Cole Smiley and Clere St. Thomas,</p>
+<p>Without any stops and without any commas;</p>
+<p>At Addison's Cots he went so quick,</p>
+<p>He startled a bricklayer laying a brick;</p>
+<p>He ran over oats and he ran over barleys,</p>
+<p>By Moss Cow Puddle and Rushen Parleys;</p>
+<p>By Lympne Sassoon and Limpet Farm</p>
+<p>He scattered the geese in wild alarm;</p>
+<p>He ran with a pain growing under his pinny</p>
+<p>Till he heard the sound of a war-horse whinny,</p>
+<p>And tried for an earth in the Tory Holts.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The earth was stopped. It was barred with bolts.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He turned again and he passed Spen Valley,</p>
+<p>By Paisley Shawls and Leamington Raleigh;</p>
+<p>His flanks were wet, he was mire-beslobbered</p>
+<p>By Hatfield Yew and by Hatfield Robert;</p>
+<p>He tried a hen-coop, he tried a tub,</p>
+<p>He tried the National Liberal Club&mdash;</p>
+<p>A terrier barked and turned him out.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He tried the end of an old drain-spout.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It was much too small. With a bursting heart</p>
+<p>He thought of the home where he made his start;</p>
+<p>His flanks were heaving, his soul despairing,</p>
+<p>He flaired again&mdash;he was always flairing</p>
+<p>To find the best way of escape and nab it,</p>
+<p>He couldn't get out of this flairing habit;</p>
+<p>He felt at his back the fiery breath</p>
+<p>Of the Kill Gorge pack that had vowed his death;</p>
+<p>He turned once more for the shelter good</p>
+<p>Of the Wan Tun Waste and the dark yew wood,</p>
+<p>The deep yew fastness of Cowall Itchen</p>
+<p>And the scuts and heads of hens in his kitchen.</p>
+<p>The hounds grew weak and The Mail was blowing;</p>
+<p>Rother said, "Alf, this is bad going!"</p>
+<p>Past Pemberton Billing, past Kenworthy,</p>
+<p>He shook them off, he was damp and earthy;</p>
+<p>By Molton Lambert and Platting Clynes&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+<p>But I can't go on with these difficult lines.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr class="short" />
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The night closed down and the hunt was dead,</p>
+<p>Alfred and Rother were tucked in bed;</p>
+<p>The cold moon rose on a fox's snore</p>
+<p>And everything much as it was before.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i32">Evoe.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Our Erudite Contemporaries.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'Her feet beneath her petticoat like little mice peep in and out.'</p>
+
+<p>Yes, but when Bobbie Burns wrote that the lassies of Scotland
+didn't wear Louis heels and extremely short skirts."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Ladies' Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Any more than they did when Sir <span class="sc">John Suckling</span> apostrophised
+the "wee, sleekit, cow'rin', tim'rous beastie."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Our Sleuths.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A Sheffield firm of solicitors have, this week, had stolen from one
+of the pegs in the hall an overcoat belonging to one of the principals.
+The solicitor concerned is of the opinion that someone removed it
+between his arrival at the office the other morning and going to find
+it in the evening, when it was missing."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Sandringham Hat.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Many women are making surprise presents of hats to their husbands,
+and will take great pleasure in seeing them worn for the first
+time on Christmas Day."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Mail</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We understand that it will be the quietest Christmas on
+record, many family men having decided to spend the day
+in the seclusion of their own homes.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page487" id="page487"></a>[pg 487]</span>
+
+
+
+
+<table align="center" border="0" summary="cartoon">
+<tr>
+       <td><a href="images/487.png"><img src="images/487-1-300.png" width="300" height="270" alt="What I like" border="0" /></a>
+	   <h4>"<span class="sc1">What I like</span>&mdash;</h4>
+	   </td>
+       <td><a href="images/487.png"><img src="images/487-2-300.png" width="300" height="270" alt="about Switzerland is" border="0" /></a>
+	   <h4>&mdash;<span class="sc1">about Switzerland is</span>&mdash;</h4>
+	   </td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><a href="images/487.png"><img src="images/487-3-300.png" width="300" height="246" alt="the complete change" border="0" /></a>
+	   <h4>&mdash;<span class="sc1">the complete change</span>&mdash;</h4>
+	   </td>
+       <td><a href="images/487.png"><img src="images/487-4-300.png" width="300" height="246" alt="from London life" border="0" /></a>
+	   <h4>&mdash;<span class="sc1">from London life</span>&mdash;</h4>
+	   </td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td><a href="images/487.png"><img src="images/487-5-300.png" width="300" height="249" alt="and all that" border="0" /></a>
+	   <h4>&mdash;<span class="sc1">and all that</span>&mdash;</h4>
+	   </td>
+       <td><a href="images/487.png"><img src="images/487-6-300.png" width="300" height="249" alt="needless dressing-up." border="0" /></a>
+	   <h4>&mdash;<span class="sc1">needless dressing-up</span>."</h4>
+	   </td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page488" id="page488"></a>[pg 488]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/488.png"><img src="images/488-372.png" width="372" height="450" alt="He m'nopolised my engine last Christmas; I thought he'd like one for himself this year." /></a>
+<p><i>Doris</i>. "<span class="sc">But, Jimmy, I thought you came to buy a
+present for Daddy</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Jimmy</i>. "<span class="sc">Yes, it's all right, Sis, I <i>am</i> doing. He
+m'nopolised my engine last Christmas; I thought he'd like one for himself this year.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE HUMOURIST.</h3>
+
+<p>"Here's Alan," said Cecilia; "good."</p>
+
+<p>"Really," I said, stopping and bowing
+slightly in several directions, "I
+am touched. Such a reception.... I
+find no words&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be funny," said Margery cuttingly,
+"we shan't laugh. What we
+want to know is what are you going
+to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well," I said, "I did think of sitting
+by the fire and&mdash;er&mdash;just watching it
+burn."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, dear," said Margery,
+"please don't be dense. I
+mean, what are you going
+to do at the show?"</p>
+
+<p>I passed my hand over
+my eyes.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm sorry," I said;
+"I'm afraid I don't....
+Have I been to sleep for
+ten years or anything?"</p>
+
+<p>"Tell him," said Margery
+impatiently. "You'll have
+to start right at the beginning."</p>
+
+<p>I sat down expectantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Well," began Cecilia,
+"Christmas is coming and
+we shall be full up."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, of course," I
+murmured deprecatingly.
+"You want me to get some
+medicine ready for you?"</p>
+
+<p>"I mean the house will
+be full up," explained Cecilia
+coldly. "The point is we
+must arrange something beforehand&mdash;some
+sort of entertainment."</p>
+
+<p>"Good heavens," I said,
+"you're not going to hire
+the Sisters Sprightly or
+anything, are you?"</p>
+
+<p>"No, we are not," said
+Cecilia; "not the Sisters
+Sprightly nor the Brothers
+Bung. We are going to do
+it ourselves."</p>
+
+<p>"What&mdash;a Sisters
+Sprightly Act? Have a little shame,
+Cecilia. What will Christopher think
+when he sees his mother in a ballet
+skirt, kicking about all over the drawing-room?"</p>
+
+<p>"He'd think I looked very nice,"
+said Cecilia hotly, "if I was going to
+wear one; but I'm not."</p>
+
+<p>"Not going to wear a ballet skirt?"
+I said. "You surely don't mean to
+appear in&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"We're not going to do a Sisters
+Sprightly turn at all," shouted Margery:
+"nobody ever thought of them
+but you."</p>
+
+<p>"Then I give it up," I said helplessly;
+"I quite understood you to
+say&mdash;&mdash; Then what are you going to
+do, anyway?"</p>
+
+<p>"Well, we thought at first we'd do
+a play, but there were difficulties in the
+way."</p>
+
+<p>"Too true," I said; "none of us can
+act to begin with."</p>
+
+<p>"Speak for yourself," said Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"Pardon, Miss Thorndike," I apologised.</p>
+
+<p>"No, the difficulty is that we haven't
+really room for theatricals. We should
+have to use the drawing-room, and by
+the time you've got a stage and scenery
+and rooms for changing, well, there's
+simply no space left for the audience,"
+explained Cecilia.</p>
+
+<p>"That's no objection at all," I said;
+"rather an advantage, in fact."</p>
+
+<p>"And anyhow," continued Margery,
+"we haven't got a play to do."</p>
+
+<p>"And so," said Cecilia, "we've decided
+to have a concert party."</p>
+
+<p>I gasped.</p>
+
+<p>"Not a concert party," I implored.</p>
+
+<p>"Yes," said Cecilia, "a costume
+concert party. It isn't any use groaning
+like that. It's all arranged. Sheila
+and Arthur Davies, Margery, John, you
+and I are in it. The question is what
+are you going to do?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing. I never heard of such a
+horrible idea."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be a pig, Alan," said Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"Really, Cecilia," I said, "let me
+plead with you. <i>Not</i> a costume concert
+party, please. A simple glee perhaps&mdash;just
+four of us&mdash;in evening dress;
+or even a conjurer. I'll agree to anything.
+But not, <i>not</i> Pierrots, Cecilia."</p>
+
+<p>"Pierrots it is," said Cecilia defiantly.</p>
+
+<p>"Then I wash my hands of it. To
+think that our family&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"You can wash your hands if you
+like," said Cecilia; "we should prefer
+it, in fact; but you are certainly
+going to take part."</p>
+
+<p>I know the futility of arguing
+with Cecilia.</p>
+
+<p>"Then tell me the worst,"
+I begged; "what am I to
+be? Can I show people to
+their seats, or am I the
+good-looking tenor with
+gentlemanly features and
+long hair?"</p>
+
+<p>"We thought of making
+you the funny man," said
+Cecilia.</p>
+
+<p>I buried my head in my
+hands and shuddered.</p>
+
+<p>At this moment John
+came into the room. "Talking
+about the 'Merry Maggots'?"
+he said. "Splendid
+idea of Cecilia's, isn't it?
+I've just been thinking it
+over, and what we must decide
+on first of all is who is
+to be the&mdash;the humourist.
+He's the really important
+man; must be someone
+really first-class."</p>
+
+<p>"We've also been discussing
+it," I said quickly,
+"and we came to the conclusion
+that there's only
+one man for the job&mdash;yourself."</p>
+
+<p>John nodded complacently.</p>
+
+<p>"I'm glad to hear you
+say so, because I was going
+to suggest it myself. It's my belief that
+I should be a devilish funny fellow if I
+had a chance. I've just tried a few jokes
+on myself upstairs, and I've been simply
+roaring with laughter. Haven't enjoyed
+myself so much for years."</p>
+
+<p>"Splendid fellow!" I said heartily;
+"you shall tell them to me later on
+and I'll roar with laughter too. Cecilia,
+put your husband down for the funny
+man."</p>
+
+<p>"H'm&mdash;humourist," corrected John
+with a slight cough.</p>
+
+<p>"'Humourist,'" I agreed; "and
+thank goodness that's settled."</p>
+
+<p>"But," said Cecilia, "you said you
+were going to do a dramatic recitation."</p>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page489" id="page489"></a>[pg 489]</span>
+
+<p>"So I am, so I am," said John; "I'm
+going to do that as well. Contrast,
+my dear Cecilia. Laughter and tears.
+Double them up with sly wit one moment
+and have them sobbing into their
+handkerchiefs the next. I'm going to
+do it all, Cecilia."</p>
+
+<p>"So it appears," said Cecilia; "it
+hardly seems worth while to have anybody
+else in the show."</p>
+
+<p>"Now, now," said John, wagging his
+forefinger at her, "no jealousy. You
+ought to be glad to have someone really
+good in the party. <i>Good</i> funny men
+aren't to be found just anywhere."</p>
+
+<p>"But we don't know that you <i>are</i> a
+good funny man," said Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course you don't," said John;
+"I've never had a chance to prove it.
+For years I have been kept in the background
+by your family. I'm never
+allowed to make a joke, and if I do
+nobody laughs. This is my chance.
+I'm going to be in the limelight now.
+I shall be the life of the party, and it's
+no good trying to stop me. In fact,"
+he finished confidentially, "I shan't be
+surprised if I take it up professionally.
+You should have heard me laughing
+upstairs."</p>
+
+<p>"But, John," began Margery.</p>
+
+<p>"Sh&mdash;!" said Cecilia; "it's no use
+arguing with him while he's in this
+mood. That's all right, John. You
+shall be everything you like. But as
+you've selected such a lot of parts for
+yourself perhaps you'll suggest what
+we can do with Alan."</p>
+
+<p>"Ah," said John; "Alan! Yes, he's
+a problem, certainly. If he had any
+voice, now. I'm not sure that we want
+him at all. Could he do a clog-dance,
+do you think?"</p>
+
+<p>"Don't worry," I interrupted; "I've
+thought of a fine part for me. All the
+best concert parties have a chap who
+sits in the corner and does nothing but
+look miserable. I could do that splendidly."</p>
+
+<p>"That's quite true," said John approvingly;
+"it tickles the audience,
+you know, to see a fellow looking glum
+while everyone else is having hysterics
+at the funny&mdash;at the humourist. It
+isn't as easy as it looks, though, Alan.
+I shall keep saying things to make you
+laugh, you know. You'll find it jolly
+difficult to keep looking miserable once
+I get going."</p>
+
+<p>"Not at all," I said. "That is, I
+shall do my best to keep serious. I
+shall try not to listen to you being
+funny."</p>
+
+<p>John looked at me and considered
+whether it was worth following up.
+He decided it was not.</p>
+
+<p>"I daresay he'll do," he said loftily
+to Cecilia; "the fellow has no sense of
+humour anyway."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/489.png"><img src="images/489-600.png" width="600" height="437" alt="So long, old chap! I'm off to Charing Cross." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">"So long, old chap! I'm off to Charing Cross."</span></p>
+<p><span class="sc">"Hospital, I presume."</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h4>Commercial Modesty.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">
+"This system develops such valuable qualities
+as:&mdash;
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<table align="center" border="0" summary="list">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Forgetfulness</td>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Timidity</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Mind Wandering</td>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Weakness of Will</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Brain Fag</td>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Lack of System</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Indecision</td>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Lack of Initiative</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Dullness</td>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Indefiniteness</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Shyness</td>
+       <td class="left">&mdash;Mental Flurry."</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<br />
+
+<blockquote><p class="author">
+<i>Advt. in Sunday Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"It is announced that, starting with next
+week, 'Ways and means' and 'Common
+Sense' will be amalgamated."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Evening Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Will the Government please note?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Army biscuits, suitable for bed-chair cushions.
+3s. reserve. &mdash;&mdash;'s Auction Sale."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>They seem to have lost something of
+their war-time hardihood.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page490" id="page490"></a>[pg 490]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/490.png"><img src="images/490-600.png" width="600" height="428" alt="I say, isn't there anything with a bit more buck in it than this lemonade?" /></a>
+<p><i>Small Boy</i>. "<span class="sc">I say, isn't there anything with
+a bit more buck in it than this lemonade?</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>PUSS AT THE PALACE.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>[<i>The Daily Telegraph</i>, in a report of the
+Cat Show at the Crystal Palace, remarks that
+"the cat has 'come back' as a hobby."]</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>O <span class="sc">all</span> ye devoted cat-lovers,</p>
+<p class="i2">Ere spending the cheques you have cashed,</p>
+<p>Leave a trifle for tickets to enter the wickets</p>
+<p class="i2">That ope on the Temple of Pasht.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For to-day in the Palace of <span class="sc">Paxton</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Cats gathered from every zone&mdash;</p>
+<p>Manx, Persian, Sardinian, Chinese, Abyssinian&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Are now being splendidly shown.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The names of the winners and owners</p>
+<p class="i2">Inspire me with joy and delight;</p>
+<p><i>E.g.</i>, Blue-eyed Molly, John Bull (Madame Dolli)</p>
+<p class="i2">And Snowflake, the champion white.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And then the adorable kittens!</p>
+<p class="i2">Too high-bred to gambol or skip,</p>
+<p>With names that are mighty, like Inglewood Clytie,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or comic, like Holme Ruddy Pip.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>It is pleasant to learn Mr. <span class="sc">Shakespeare's</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Success with his Siamese strain,</p>
+<p>For his namesake the poet, so far as we know it,</p>
+<p class="i2">Held "poor, harmless" puss in disdain.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yes, the cat has "come back" as a hobby,</p>
+<p class="i2">Oh, let us be thankful for that,</p>
+<p>For it might be the coon or the blue-nosed baboon,</p>
+<p class="i2">Or the deadly Norwegian rat.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE FINE OLD FRUITY.</h3>
+
+<p>Wine merchants must be kind men.
+So many of those who have sent me
+their circulars this Christmas-time have
+announced that they are "giving their
+clients the benefit of some exceptionally
+advantageous purchases which they
+have made."</p>
+
+<p>But it is not the humanity of wine
+merchants of which I wish to speak.
+It is the intriguing epithets which they
+apply to their wines. And I have entertained
+myself by applying these to
+my relatives, an exercise which I find
+attended by the happiest results.</p>
+
+<p>"Fine old style, rich," is, of course,
+obvious. It applies to more than one
+of my Victorian uncles. "Medium rich"
+to a cousin or so. More subtle is
+"medium body." This must be Uncle
+Hilary; he takes little exercise nowadays
+and his figure is suffering. Soon
+he will be "full-bodied" or "full and
+round." "Elegant, high class" is my
+Cousin Isabel. "Pretty flavour" also
+is hers. "Fresh and brisk" is Aunt
+Hannah. And could anything be more
+descriptive of Aunt Geraldine than
+"delicate and generous"?</p>
+
+<p>For "great breed and style" (used, I
+see, of a claret) I should, I fear, be obliged
+to go outside the family; and "recommended
+for present consumption and
+for laying down" I only mention because
+it leaves me wondering to what
+other uses a fine fruity Burgundy could
+be put. But here is a noble one: "Of
+very high class, stylish, good body and
+fine character." I have tried this on
+several relations without being entirely
+satisfied about it, and I have finally
+decided that I shall keep it for myself.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Only a few visitors braved the first fall of
+the snow yesterday and adventured as far as
+the Zoological Gardens. They found there a
+depressed-looking collection of animals in the
+open-air cages, but a perfect holocaust of
+sparrows."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Sunday Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The sparrows must have been warm
+enough, anyway.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page491" id="page491"></a>[pg 491]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/491.png"><img src="images/491-354.png" width="354" height="450" alt="VERDUN." /></a>
+<h4>VERDUN.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">London</span> (<i>to her adopted daughter</i>). "YOU WILL LET <i>ME</i>
+PASS&mdash;TO YOUR HEART?"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page493" id="page493"></a>[pg 493]</span>
+
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;">
+<a href="images/493-1.png"><img src="images/493-1-300.png" width="300" height="255" alt="And to think it was the best Irish linen!" /></a>
+<p><i>The Lord Chancellor.</i> "<span class="sc">And to think it was the best Irish linen!</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p><i>Monday, December 13th.</i>&mdash;Since the
+House of Lords took the bit in its teeth
+and bolted with the Government of
+Ireland Bill the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span> has
+practically thrown the reins on the
+creature's neck and confined
+himself to occasional mild remonstrance
+when it kicked
+over the Government traces.
+The most he could do when
+rival amendments were put
+forward was to secure the
+passage of the less objectionable.
+Thus when Lord <span class="sc">Shandon</span>,
+for purely sentimental
+reasons&mdash;Ireland knew him
+as "a most susceptible Chancellor"&mdash;desired
+that the unifying
+body should be called
+a Senate Lord <span class="sc">Birkenhead</span>
+laughed the proposal out of
+court with the remark that
+"a man might as well purchase
+a mule with the object
+of founding a stud," and persuaded
+the Peers to accept
+the word "Council." He was
+at first inclined to oppose
+Lord <span class="sc">Wicklow's</span> amendment
+providing that neither Irish
+Parliament should take private property
+without compensation; but when he
+found that an old Home Ruler, Lord
+<span class="sc">Bryce</span>, was in favour of imposing this
+curb on Irish exuberance he, as "a very
+young Home Ruler," gracefully withdrew
+his objection.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">John Baird</span> revealed
+the names of the
+members of the Central
+Control Board (Liquor
+Traffic). The muffled
+groans that followed the
+announcement of the first
+of them, Mr. <span class="sc">Waters-Butler</span>,
+were quite uncalled
+for, as I understand
+that the gentleman in
+question preserves a strict
+impartiality between
+two branches of his patronymic.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> was
+not too sympathetic to
+the complaints of overcrowding
+on the suburban
+railways; but I cannot
+think that Mr. <span class="sc">Martin</span>
+had fully thought out
+the consequences of his
+suggestion that the right
+hon. gentleman should
+take a trip one night from
+Aldgate to Barking and
+see for himself. Imagine
+the feelings of the strap-hangers
+when Sir <span class="sc">Eric</span>
+essayed "little by little" to wedge himself
+into their midst.</p>
+
+<p>If the Opposition desired a really
+satisfactory discussion on the origin of
+the fires in Cork it should have chosen
+some other spokesman than Lieut.-Commander
+<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span>. The hon.
+and gallant gentleman was less aggressive
+in manner than usual, but even
+so he encountered a good many interruptions.
+He was answered in a
+characteristic speech by Mr. <span class="sc">Claude
+Lowther</span>; and the debate as a whole
+never rose much above the level where
+it was left by these "Burnt Cork
+Comedians."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, December 14th.</i>&mdash;Despite
+the protests of Lord <span class="sc">Braye</span>, who demanded
+full self-determination for Ireland,
+the Peers gave a Third Reading to
+the Government of Ireland Bill. Lord
+<span class="sc">Crewe</span> so far modified his
+previous attitude as to congratulate
+the Government on
+having held on their course
+in the face of the discouraging
+events in Ireland, and to
+express the hope that the
+measure would be worked for
+all it was worth, though, in
+his lordship's estimation, it
+was not worth much.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;">
+<a href="images/493-2.png"><img src="images/493-2-300.png" width="300" height="238" alt="THE END OF THE OMNIBUS." /></a>
+<h4>THE END OF THE OMNIBUS.</h4>
+<p><i>Conductor <span class="sc">Addison</span>.</i> "<span class="sc">A nice old mess you've been and
+gone and
+made!</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Driver <span class="sc">Curzon</span>.</i> "<span class="sc"><i>Me?</i> If <i>you</i> hadn't been so
+late in turning out I
+shouldn't have had to cut things so fine.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>The Ministry of Health
+Bill found the Peers in a
+much less accommodating
+mood. Lord <span class="sc">Strachie</span> moved
+its rejection, chiefly on the
+ground of the financial strain
+it would impose upon local
+authorities, and was supported
+by Lord <span class="sc">Galway</span>,
+who thought it an insult to
+Parliament to bring forward
+so ambitious a measure at
+the fag-end of the Session.
+Lord <span class="sc">Curzon</span> vainly endeavoured
+to avert the coming storm
+by accepting a suggestion that the
+Bill should be carried over till next
+Session. The majority of the Peers
+were out for blood, and they defeated
+the Second Reading by 57 to 41. Dr.
+<span class="sc">Addison</span>, from the steps of the Throne,
+gloomily watched the
+overturn of his omnibus.
+It is understood that, following
+the example of his
+distinguished namesake,
+he is going to write to
+<i>The Spectator</i> about Lord
+<span class="sc">Strachie</span>.</p>
+
+<p>So many of the Commons
+appeared to have
+anticipated the Christmas
+holidays that Questions
+were run through
+at a great pace. Mr.
+<span class="sc">Hogge</span>, however, was in
+his place all right to know
+how it was, after all the
+protestations of the Government,
+that an official
+motor-car containing an
+officer and a lady had
+been seen outside a toy-shop
+in Regent Street.
+"Mark how a plain tale
+shall set you down," said
+Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> in effect.
+The officer was on his
+way from an outlying
+branch of the War Office
+to an important conference
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page494" id="page494"></a>[pg 494]</span>
+in Whitehall; the lady was his private
+secretary; the natural route of the
+car was <i>viâ</i> Regent Street, and the officer
+had merely seized the opportunity to
+pick up a parcel.</p>
+
+<p>A Supplementary Estimate of six and
+a-half millions for the Navy gave the
+economists their chance. Mr. G. <span class="sc">Lambert</span>
+could not understand why we were
+employing more men at the dockyards
+than before the War, and suggested that
+three or four of the yards might be sold.
+This proposal was received with singularly
+little enthusiasm by most of the
+Members for dockyard constituencies;
+but Sir B. <span class="sc">Falle</span> (Portsmouth) handsomely
+remarked that Chatham might
+well be leased for private enterprise.
+The Member for Chatham was not present,
+or he would, no doubt, have returned
+the compliment.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, December 15th.</i>&mdash;A less
+adventurous Minister than Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span>
+might have funked the task of
+justifying to a House of Economists a
+Supplementary Army Estimate of forty
+millions. But he boldly tackled the
+job, and proved to his own satisfaction
+that half the liability was a mere
+book-entry, and the other half inevitable,
+in view of the Empire's commitments.
+Sir <span class="sc">Charles Townshend</span>, in
+a maiden speech which in the more
+flamboyant passages suggested the
+collaboration of the <span class="sc">Editor</span> of <i>John
+Bull</i>, announced his intention of supporting
+the Government "for all I am
+worth," and proceeded to demonstrate
+that their policy in Mesopotamia had
+been wrong from start to finish.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, December 16th.</i>&mdash;I don't
+know whether the current rumours of
+the <span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span> delicacy are put
+about by malignant enemies who hope
+that Nature will accomplish what they
+have failed to achieve, or by well-meaning
+friends who desire to convince the
+Aberystwith Sabbatarians that Sunday
+golf is essential to his well-being. In
+his answers to Questions this afternoon
+he showed no signs of failing powers.
+When Mr. <span class="sc">Billing</span> accused him of
+breaking his pledge that there should be
+no more secret diplomacy he modestly
+replied that that was not his but President
+<span class="sc">Wilson's</span> phrase; and a little later
+he informed the same cocksure questioner
+that a certain problem was "not
+so simple as my hon. friend imagines
+most problems are."</p>
+
+<p>An inquiry about the Franco-British
+boundaries in the Holy Land led the
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> to observe that the
+territory delimited was "the old historic
+Palestine&mdash;Dan to Beersheba." It
+was, of course, a mere coincidence that
+the next Question on the Paper related
+to the destruction of calves, though not
+the golden kind.</p>
+
+<p>The quarter-deck voice in which
+Rear-Admiral <span class="sc">Adair</span> thundered for information
+regarding the Jutland Papers
+so startled Sir <span class="sc">James Craig</span> that, fearing
+another salvo if he temporised with
+the question, he promptly promised
+immediate publication.</p>
+
+<p>Despite a characteristic protest from
+Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span>, who, as Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>
+observed, treats his opponents as if
+they were "not only morally bad but
+intellectually contemptible," the House
+proceeded to consider the Lords' Amendments
+to the Home Rule Bill, and dealt
+with them by the time-honoured device
+of "splitting the difference."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/494.png"><img src="images/494-600.png" width="600" height="413" alt="Noa, thankee. I only got pound notes on me, ye see, an' I doan't want to break into another." /></a>
+<p><i>Dealer</i>. "<span class="sc">Well, there she is, Guv'nor, an' yours
+at a rock-bottom price.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Farmer.</i> "<span class="sc">Noa, thankee. I only got pound notes on me, ye see, an'
+I doan't want to break into another.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Maleswoman Wanted</span>.&mdash;Competent to
+take charge of Millinery establishment."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Trade Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>A sort of Mannequin, we presume.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page495" id="page495"></a>[pg 495]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/495.png"><img src="images/495-600.png" width="600" height="360" alt="The Viking's Wife ..." /></a>
+<p><i>The Viking's Wife (to husband, who is setting off to raid
+the coast of Britain).</i> "<span class="sc">Good-bye, Sigurd darling. Don't forget what
+I said about getting your feet wet. And, by the way, I'm greatly in need of
+a cook-general, if you happen to see
+one. But remember she must be capable and plain&mdash;not like the hussies you
+usually fetch</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>A FOUL GAME.</h3>
+
+<p>It is Christmas, and here is a nice
+little cricket story for the hearth. The
+funny thing about it is that it is true.
+And the other funny thing about it is
+that it was told to me by a huge Rugger
+Blue called Eric. (I understand people
+can change their names at Confirmation.
+Why don't they?)</p>
+
+<p>It was in a College match&mdash;not, I
+gather, a particularly serious one. Eric
+and his friend Charles were playing for
+Balbus College against Caramel College.
+Caramel had an "A" team out, and
+Balbus, I should think, must have had
+about a "K" team ... anyhow, Eric
+and Charles were both playing. Eric,
+as he modestly said, doesn't bat much,
+and Charles doesn't bowl much. Eric
+said to Charles, "I bet you a fiver you
+won't get six wickets." Charles said
+to Eric, "All right; and I bet you a
+fiver you won't get a hundred runs."</p>
+
+<p>Then began a hideous series of intrigues.
+Caramel were to bat first, and
+Eric went to the Balbus captain and
+said, "There's a sovereign<sup>*</sup> for you if
+Charles doesn't go on to bowl <i>at all</i>."</p>
+
+<p class="note"><sup>*</sup> This is a pre-war story.</p>
+
+
+<p>"Very well," said the captain, with
+a glance of sinister understanding.
+"Wouldn't have anyhow," he added
+as he pocketed the stake.</p>
+
+<p>Then Charles arrived.</p>
+
+<p>"Two pounds," said the captain.</p>
+
+<p>"What for?" said Charles.</p>
+
+<p>"For ten overs&mdash;four bob an over."</p>
+
+<p>"It's too much," said Charles; "but
+there's a sovereign for you if Eric goes
+in ninth wicket down."</p>
+
+<p>"Very well," said the captain, with
+a glance of devilish cunning. "It's
+only one lower than usual. Thank you."</p>
+
+<p>Acting on intuition and their knowledge
+of the captain, Eric and Charles
+then hotly accused each other of bribery.
+Both confessed, and it was agreed to
+start fair. Charles was to bowl first
+change and Eric was to bat first wicket.
+The captain said he would want a lot
+of bribing to go back on the original
+arrangement, especially if it meant
+Charles bowling, but he would do it for
+the original price; and, as he already
+held the money, Eric and Charles had
+to concede the point.</p>
+
+<p>By the way, I am afraid the captain
+doesn't come very well out of this, and
+I'm afraid it is rather an immoral story;
+but my object is to show up the evils
+of commercialism, so it is all right.</p>
+
+<p>Pallas Athene came down and stood
+by the bowler's umpire while Charles
+was bowling, and he got five wickets
+quite easily. It was incredible. The
+Caramel batsmen seemed to be paralysed.
+Then the last man came in, and
+the first thing he did was to send up a
+nice little dolly catch to Eric at cover-point.
+Eric missed it. When I say he
+missed it I mean he practically flung it
+on the ground. Indeed he rather over-did
+it, and the batsman, who was a
+sportsman and knew Charles, appealed
+to the umpire to say he was really out.
+Pallas Athene grabbed the umpire by
+the throat, and he said firmly that no
+catch had been made.</p>
+
+<p>Then the batsmen made a muddle
+about a run and found themselves in
+the common but embarrassing position
+of being both at the wicket-keeper's end.
+The ball had gone to Eric and he had
+only to throw it in to Charles, who was
+bowling, for Charles to put the wicket
+down. But in one of those flashes of
+inspiration which betray true genius he
+realised that in the circumstances that
+was just what Charles would <i>not</i> do.
+Direct action was the only thing. So,
+ball in hand, he started at high velocity
+towards the wicket himself.</p>
+
+<p>He was a Rugger Blue (I told you)
+and a three-quarter at that, so he went
+fairly fast. However, the batsman saw
+that he had a faint hope after all, and
+he ran too. It was an heroic race, but
+the batsman had less distance to go.
+Eric saw that he was losing, and from
+a few yards' range he madly flung the
+ball at the wicket. He missed the
+wicket, but he hit Charles very hard on
+the shin, which was something. I fancy
+he must have hit Pallas Athene as
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page496" id="page496"></a>[pg 496]</span>
+well, for with the very next ball she
+gave Charles his sixth wicket.</p>
+
+<p>By this time the game had resolved
+itself into an Homeric combat between
+the two protagonists, of which the
+main bodies of the Balbus and Caramel
+armies were merely neutral spectators&mdash;neutral,
+that is, so far as they had
+not been hired out for some dastard service
+by one or other of the duellists.</p>
+
+<p>When Eric went in it was clear that
+Juno had come down to help him, for
+he made three runs in eight balls without
+being bowled once. Then Charles
+came in. His first ball he hit slowly
+between mid-off and cover, and he
+called for a run. All unsuspecting,
+Eric cantered down the pitch. When
+he was half-way Charles seemed to be
+seized with the sort of panic which
+sometimes possesses a batsman. "No,
+no!" he cried. "Go back! go back!"
+And he scuttled back himself. Juno
+fortunately intervened and Eric just got
+home in time. But he realised now
+what he was up against. His next ball
+he hit towards mid-wicket, and shouting
+"Come on!" he galloped up the
+pitch. Charles came on gingerly, expecting
+to be sent back, but Eric duly
+passed him; he then turned round and
+just raced Charles back to the wicket-keeper's
+end. Charles was only a Soccer
+Blue (and a goal-keeper at that), and
+Eric won.</p>
+
+<p>"After that," said Eric with his usual
+modesty, "it was easy." Eyewitnesses,
+however, have told me more. Juno
+dealt with the Caramel bowlers, but
+Eric had to compete with Charles. And
+Charles resorted to every kind of devilish
+expedient. Nearly all the Balbus batsmen
+were bribed to run Eric out, and
+whenever he hit a boundary Eric had
+to stop and reason with them in the
+middle of the pitch. Sometimes he tried
+to outbid Charles, but he usually found
+that he couldn't afford it. So he collared
+the bowling as much as possible
+and tried not to hit anything but boundaries.
+Juno helped him a good bit in
+that way.</p>
+
+<p>When he had made seventy he got
+a ball on the knee. Charles ran out
+and offered to run for him, but Eric
+said he could manage, thank you. Then
+Charles went and walked rapidly up
+and down in front of the screen; but
+Eric wasn't the sort of batsman who
+minded that.</p>
+
+<p>At about ninety, Eric's knee was
+pretty bad, so he called out for somebody
+to run for him&mdash;<i>not</i> Charles. Five
+of Charles's hirelings rushed out of the
+pavilion, but the captain said he would
+go himself, as that wasn't fair. Besides,
+he had money on Eric himself.</p>
+
+<p>At this point I gather that Pallas
+Athene must have deserted Charles altogether,
+for he seems to have entertained
+for a moment or two the ignoble
+notion of tampering with the scorer.
+I am glad to be able to say that even
+the members of the Balbus College "K."
+Team, eaten up as they were by this
+time with commercialism, declined to
+be parties to that particular wickedness.
+With every circumstance of popular
+excitement Eric's hundredth run&mdash;a
+mis-cue through the slips&mdash;was finally
+made, scored and added up. In fact,
+he carried his bat.</p>
+
+<p>"So you were all square," I said, not
+without admiration.</p>
+
+<p>"By no means," said Eric. "It cost
+me forty shillings."</p>
+
+<p>"And Charles?"</p>
+
+<p>"It cost him seven pounds."</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>"SUGGESTIONS."</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">A Warning</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>Entering as we are upon the season
+of games, it might be well to utter an
+urgent appeal to hostesses not to play
+"Suggestions." For "Suggestions,"
+though it may begin as a game, is
+really a wrangle. Under the guise of
+a light-hearted pastime it offers little
+but opportunities for misunderstanding,
+general conversation, allegations of unfairness,
+and disappointment.</p>
+
+<p>"Suggestions" ought to be played
+like this: You sit in a semicircle and
+the first player says something&mdash;anything&mdash;a
+single word. Let us suppose
+it is (as it probably will be in thousands
+of cases) "<span class="sc">Margot</span>." The next player
+has to say what "<span class="sc">Margot</span>" suggests&mdash;"reticence,"
+for example&mdash;and the next
+player, shutting his mind completely
+to the word "<span class="sc">Margot</span>," has to say
+what "reticence" suggests&mdash;perhaps
+<i>Grimaud</i>, in <i>The Three Musketeers</i>&mdash;and
+the fourth player has to disregard
+"reticence" and announce whatever
+mental reaction the name of <i>Grimaud</i>
+produces. It maybe that he has never
+heard of <i>Grimaud</i> and the similarity
+of sound suggests only <span class="sc">Grimaldi</span> the
+clown. Then he ought to say, "<span class="sc">Grimaldi</span>
+the clown," which might in its turn
+suggest "melancholy" or "the circus."
+All the time no one should speak but
+the players in their turn, and they
+should speak instantly and should say
+nothing but the thing that is honestly
+suggested by the previous word. At
+the end of, say, a dozen rounds the
+process of unwinding the coil begins,
+each player in rotation taking part in
+the backward process until "<span class="sc">Margot</span>"
+is again reached.</p>
+
+<p>That is how the game should be
+played.</p>
+
+<p>This is how it <i>is</i> played:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><i>First Player.</i> Let me see; what shall
+I say?</p>
+
+<p><i>Various other Players (together).</i> Surely
+there's no difficulty in beginning? Say
+"anything," etc., etc.</p>
+
+<p><i>A Player (looking round).</i> Say&mdash;say
+"fireplace."</p>
+
+<p><i>First Player.</i> But that's so silly.</p>
+
+<p><i>Master of Ceremonies (who wishes
+he had never proposed the game).</i> It
+doesn't matter. All that is needed is a
+start.</p>
+
+<p><i>Another player.</i> Say "<span class="sc">Margot</span>."</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Roars of laughter</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>All.</i> Oh, yes, say "<span class="sc">Margot</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>First Player.</i> Very well, then&mdash;"<span class="sc">Margot</span>."</p>
+
+<p>(<i>More laughter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Second Player (trying to be clever).</i>
+"Reticence."</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Shouts of laughter</i>.)</p>
+
+<p><i>Other Players.</i> How could "<span class="sc">Margot</span>"
+suggest "reticence"?</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> Never mind; the point is that
+it did. Now then&mdash;and please everyone
+be silent&mdash;now, then, Third Player?</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Player.</i> "Audacity."</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> I'm afraid you're not playing
+quite fairly. You see "reticence" cannot
+suggest "audacity." The First
+Player's word not impossibly might.
+Could it be that you were still thinking
+of that?</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Player.</i> I'm sorry. But "reticence"
+doesn't suggest anything.</p>
+
+<p><i>Other Players (together).</i> Oh, yes, it does&mdash;"silence,"
+"grumpiness," "oysters,"
+"Trappists."</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> If a word suggests nothing
+whatever to you, you should say,
+"Blank mind."</p>
+
+<p><i>Third Player.</i> Ah, but I've thought
+of something now&mdash;"reticule."</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Roars of laughter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> It's all right. That's how
+the mind does work. Now, next player.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Player.</i> Have I got to say
+something that "reticule" suggests?</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> That's the idea&mdash;yes.</p>
+
+<p><i>A Player.</i> Say "vanity-bag."</p>
+
+<p><i>Another Player.</i> Say "powder-puff."</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Roars of laughter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> Please, please&mdash;either the game
+is worth playing or it isn't. If it is
+worth playing it is worth playing seriously,
+and then you can get some very
+funny effects&mdash;it's a psychological exhibition;
+but if other players talk at the
+same time and try to help it's useless.
+Now, next player, please. The word is
+"reticule."</p>
+
+<p><i>Fourth Player (after a long silence).</i>
+"Bond Street."</p>
+
+<p><i>Fifth Player.</i> Ah, "Bond Street"!
+That's better. That suggests heaps of
+things. Which shall I choose? "Chocolates"?
+No. "Furs"? No. "Diamonds"?
+No. Oh, yes&mdash;"Old Masters."</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C. (with resignation).</i> But you
+know you mustn't select. The whole
+point of the game is that you must say
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page497" id="page497"></a>[pg 497]</span>
+what comes automatically into your
+mind as you hear the word.</p>
+
+<p><i>Fifth Player.</i> I'm sorry. Shall I go
+back to "diamonds"?</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> No; you had better stick to
+"Old Masters."</p>
+
+<p><i>Fifth Player.</i> "Old Masters."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sixth Player (deaf).</i> What did you
+say&mdash;"mustard-plasters"?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fifth Player.</i> No; "Old Masters."</p>
+
+<p><i>Sixth Player.</i> I've heard of new men
+and old acres, but I've never heard of
+Old Pastures. What are they?</p>
+
+<p><i>Fifth Player (shouting).</i> No, no;
+"Old Masters." Pictures of the Old
+Masters&mdash;<span class="sc">Raphael</span>, <span class="sc">Titian</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>Sixth Player.</i> Ah, yes! "Old Masters."
+Well, that suggests to me&mdash;&mdash; Yes
+(<i>triumphantly</i>), "the National Gallery."</p>
+
+<p><i>Seventh Player (who has been waiting
+sternly).</i> "Trafalgar Square."</p>
+
+<p><i>Eighth Player (instantly).</i> "<span class="sc">Nelson</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Ninth Player (even more quickly).</i>
+"<span class="sc">Nelson Keys</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C. (beaming).</i> That's better. It's
+going well now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tenth Player.</i> "England expects&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Ninth Player.</i> No, you can't say that.
+I could have said that, but you can't.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tenth Player.</i> Why not?</p>
+
+<p><i>Ninth Player.</i> Because "<span class="sc">Nelson</span>" is
+all over and done with. The new name
+is "<span class="sc">Nelson Keys</span>." You ought to have
+thought of something connected with
+him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tenth Player.</i> If you'd said "<span class="sc">Keys</span>"
+I might have done. But you said
+"<span class="sc">Nelson Keys</span>," and the "<span class="sc">Nelson</span>"
+touched a spot. Isn't that right?</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> Quite right. It's the only way
+to play. But may I once more ask that
+there should be no talking? We shall
+never be able to unwind if there is.
+Now, please&mdash;"England expects&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p><i>Eleventh Player.</i> "Duty."</p>
+
+<p><i>Twelfth Player.</i> "Bore."</p>
+
+<p><i>Thirteenth Player.</i> "The Marne."</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Cries of astonishment.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Various Players.</i> How can "bore"
+suggest "the Marne"?</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> But it did. You mustn't mind.</p>
+
+<p><i>Twelfth Player.</i> How did it? Just
+for fun I'd like to know.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thirteenth Player.</i> Well, when I was
+on the Marne I used to see the marks
+on the ground made by them.</p>
+
+<p><i>Twelfth Player.</i> By who?</p>
+
+<p><i>Thirteenth Player.</i> The wild boars.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>Roars of laughter.</i>)</p>
+
+<p><i>Twelfth Player.</i> But I meant that
+duty is a bore&mdash;b-o-r-e.</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C. (frantic).</i> It doesn't matter.
+It's what you think&mdash;not what is&mdash;in
+this game. But really we're in such a
+muddle, wouldn't it be better to begin
+again? You all know the rules now.</p>
+
+<p><i>Hostess.</i> Perhaps "Clumps" might
+be better, don't you think?</p>
+
+<p><i>M. C.</i> Just as you like. "Clumps,"
+then.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Deaf Player.</i> What is the word
+now?</p>
+
+<p><i>A Player.</i> We're going to play
+"Clumps" instead.</p>
+
+<p><i>The Deaf Player.</i> Mumps in bed?
+I'm sure I don't know what that suggests.
+That's very difficult. But I
+like this game. It ought to be great
+fun when we unwind.</p>
+
+<p>(<i>They separate for "Clumps."</i>)</p>
+
+<p class="author">E. V. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/497.png"><img src="images/497-600.png" width="600" height="422" alt="Well, if Royalty can bite 'em I s'pose I can. I'll 'ave it." /></a>
+<p><i>Fruiterer.</i> "<span class="sc">Royalty 'isself, Madam, couldn't wish
+for a better pineapple than that</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Newly-rich Matron.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, if Royalty can bite 'em I s'pose I
+can. I'll 'ave it</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Headline to an article on ladies'
+fashions:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><h4>
+"<span class="sc">Stockings Coming Down</span>."
+</h4></blockquote>
+
+<p>This should make the hosiers pull up
+their socks.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Several reasons, besides the claims of
+humanity, made the Eugenist favour schemes
+for abolishing the eugenist."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We are inclined to agree with the
+Eugenist.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page498" id="page498"></a>[pg 498]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/498.png"><img src="images/498-338.png" width="338" height="450" alt="AT A FAT STOCK SHOW." /></a>
+<h4>AT A FAT STOCK SHOW.</h4>
+<p>"<span class="sc">They're two smart 'ogs, I admit. But look at the price o' food-stuffs.
+You know yerself it don't pay anyone to feed these days.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MISPLACED BENEVOLENCE.</h3>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>,&mdash;From your earliest
+years you have preached sound and
+wholesome doctrine on the duty of man
+to birds and beasts. Indeed, I remember
+your pushing it to extreme lengths in
+a poem entreating people not to mention
+mint-sauce when conversing with
+a lamb. Still, I wonder whether even
+you would approve of the title of an
+article in <i>Nature</i> on "The Behaviour
+of Beetles." Of course I know that
+"behaviour" is a colourless word, still
+I am rather inclined to doubt whether
+beetles know how to behave at all. I
+may be prejudiced by my own experiences,
+but they certainly have been
+unfortunate. They began early&mdash;at my
+private school, to be precise. I shall
+never forget the conversation I had,
+when a new boy, with a sardonic senior
+who, after putting me through the usual
+catechism, asked me what I was going
+to be. I replied that I had not yet
+decided, whereupon my tormentor, after
+looking at my feet, which I have never
+succeeded in growing up to, observed,
+"Well, if I were you, I think I should
+emigrate to Colorado and help to crush
+the beetle." Later on in life I was the
+victim of a cruel hoax, carried out with
+triumphant ingenuity by a confirmed
+practical joker, who with the aid of a
+thread caused what appeared to be a
+gigantic blackbeetle to perform strange
+and unholy evolutions in my sitting-room.
+Worst of all, I was victimised
+by the presence of a blackbeetle in a
+plate of clear soup served me at my
+club. I backed my bill, but it was too
+late, for I am very shortsighted.</p>
+
+<p>No, Mr. Punch, I am prepared to discuss
+the Ethics of Eels, the Altruism
+of Adders, the Piety of Pintails, or even
+the Benevolence of Bluebottles, but (to
+deviate into doggerel)&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"Let <span class="sc">Lankesters</span>, <span class="sc">Lubbocks</span> and <span class="sc">Cheatles</span></p>
+<p class="i2">Dilate with a rapturous bliss</p>
+<p>On the noble behaviour of beetles&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>I</i> give them a miss."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>I am, Mr. Punch, with much respect,</p>
+
+
+<p class="author1">Yours faithfully,</p>
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Philander Blamphin.</span></p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THREE TRAGEDIES AND A MORAL.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was an imperious old Sage</p>
+<p>Who upheld the dominion of Age,</p>
+<p class="i2">But his son, a grim youth,</p>
+<p class="i2">Red in claw and in tooth,</p>
+<p>Shut him up in a chloroformed cage.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>There was also a Child full of beans</p>
+<p>Who bombarded nine great magazines,</p>
+<p class="i2">But not one of the nine</p>
+<p class="i2">Ever published a line,</p>
+<p>For the Child was not yet in its teens.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>There was thirdly, to round off these rhymes,</p>
+<p>A Matron who railed at the crimes</p>
+<p class="i2">Of designers of frocks</p>
+<p class="i2">Who in smart fashion "blocks"</p>
+<p>Left middle-age out of <i>The Times</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The moral&mdash;if morals one seeks</p>
+<p>In an age of sensation and shrieks&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Is this: Even still</p>
+<p class="i2">Things are apt to go ill</p>
+<p>With old, young and middle-aged freaks.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Our Erudite Contemporaries.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The  Grecian  women were forbidden entrance
+to the stadium where the [Olympic]
+games were being held, and any woman found
+therein was thrown from the Tarpeian rock."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Canadian Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The French are thinking of building straw
+houses to remedy the present housing crisis.
+The first straw house has already been built
+at Montargis."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Where, presumably, they are trying it
+on the well-known local Dog.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Negotiating the intricate traffic of the City
+was quite easy, the engine being responsive to
+the slightest touch of the steering wheel. It
+is just the car for the owner-driver."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Financial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Our chauffeur agrees. He says <i>he</i>
+wouldn't undertake to drive it down
+the village street, let alone the City.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc1">Is Singing on the Decline?</span><br />
+<span class="sc1">A Great Tenor's Advice.</span><br />
+<span class="sc1">'Never Fight Against the Brass.'</span>"</h4>
+
+
+<p class="author"><i>Morning Paper.</i></p>
+
+
+<p>It is, we believe, the experience of most
+impresarios that great tenors almost
+invariably fight <i>for</i> the brass.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page499" id="page499"></a>[pg 499]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/499.png"><img src="images/499-600.png" width="600" height="369" alt="Quick, Mummie! Come and help Bobbie - he's fallen into the Lucky Dip." /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Quick, Mummie! Come and help Bobbie&mdash;he's fallen into the Lucky Dip.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>So charged is it with liable-to-go-off controversy that I
+should hardly have been astonished to see Mr. <span class="sc">H. G. Wells's</span>
+latest volume, <i>Russia in the Shadows</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and
+Stoughton</span>),
+embellished with the red label of "Explosives." Probably
+everyone knows by now the circumstances of its
+origin, and how Mr. <span class="sc">Wells</span> and his son are (for the moment)
+the rearguard in that long procession of unprejudiced
+and undeceivable observers who have essayed to pluck the
+truth about Russia from the bottom of the Bolshevist pit.
+What Mr. <span class="sc">Wells</span> found is much what was to be expected:
+red ruin, want and misery unspeakable. The difference
+between his report and those of most of his forerunners is
+that, being (as one is apt to forget) a highly-trained writer,
+he is able to present it with a technical skill that enormously
+helps the effect. Our author having been unable to
+deny the shadow, like everyone else save perhaps the preposterous
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lansbury</span>, the only outstanding question is
+who casts it. The ordinary man would probably have
+little hesitation about his answer to that. Mr. <span class="sc">Wells</span> has
+even less. He unhesitatingly names you and me and the
+French investors and several editors. Well, I have no
+space for more than an indication of what you will find in
+this undeniably vigorous and vehement little volume. But
+I must not forget the photographs. Some of these, of devastated
+streets and the like, have rather lost their novelty.
+Unfortunately, however, for Mr. <span class="sc">Wells</span> as propagandist
+he has also included a number of the most revealing portraits
+yet available of the men who are hag-riding a once
+great nation to the abyss. I can only say that for me
+those portraits put the finishing touch to Mr. <span class="sc">Wells's</span> argument.
+They extinguish it.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>The pictorial wrapper of <i>A Man of the Islands</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>)
+is embellished with a drawing of a coffee-coloured lady
+in a costume that it would be an under-statement to call
+curtailed, also (inset, as the picture-papers say) the portrait
+of a respectable-looking gentleman in a beard. In the
+printed synopsis that occupies the little tuck-in part of the
+same wrapper you are promised "an entrancing picture of
+breaking seas on lonely islands and tropical nights beneath
+the palms." In other words Mr. <span class="sc">H. de Vere Stacpoole</span> as
+before. Lest however you should suppose the insularity of
+this attractive pen-artist to be in danger of becoming overdone,
+I will say at once that the six tales from which the
+book takes its name occupy not much more than a third of
+it, the rest being filled with stories of varied setting
+bearing such titles as "The Queen's Necklace," "The Box
+of Bonbons," and the like&mdash;all frankly to be grouped under
+the head of "Financial Measures." This said, it is only
+fair to add that the half-dozen <i>Sigurdson</i> adventures&mdash;he
+was the Man of the Islands, a bearded trader, murderer,
+pearl thief and what not&mdash;seem to me a group of as rattling
+good yarns as of their kind one need wish to meet, every
+one with some original and thrilling situation that lifts it
+far above pot-boiling status. I could wish (despite anything
+above having a contrary sound) that Mr. <span class="sc">Stacpoole</span>
+had given us a whole volume with that South Sea setting
+that so happily stimulates his fancy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">S. P. B. Mais</span> has not yet extricated himself from
+the groove into which he has fallen. It is not a wholesome
+groove, and even if it were I should not wish an author of
+his capacity to remain a perpetual tenant of it. In <i>Colour
+Blind</i> (<span class="sc">Grant Richards</span>) we are given the promiscuous
+amours of a schoolmaster, a subject which has apparently
+a peculiar attraction for Mr. <span class="sc">Mais</span>. <i>Jimmy Penruddocke</i>,
+who tells the story, left the Army and could not find a job
+until he was offered a mastership at a public school. The
+school rather than <i>Jimmy</i> has my sympathies. There was
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page500" id="page500"></a>[pg 500]</span>
+nothing peculiarly alluring about this philanderer to account
+for the devastating magnetism which he exerted upon the
+female heart. To describe all this orgy of caresses could
+hardly have been worth anyone's time and trouble; certainly
+it was not worth Mr. <span class="sc">Mais's</span>. I say this with all the more
+assurance because, greatly as I dislike the main theme of
+this novel, there are many good things in it. There is, for
+example, <i>Mark Champernowne</i> (<i>Jimmy's</i> friend), a finely
+and consistently drawn character, and there are descriptive
+passages which are vividly beautiful and also some delightful
+gleams of humour. I think that when Mr. <span class="sc">Mais's</span> sense of
+humour has developed further he will agree with me that a
+man who loved as promiscuously as <i>Jimmy</i> and then wrote
+over three hundred pages about it could, without much
+straining of the truth, be called a cad.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>For many reasons I could wish that England were China.
+It would be nice, for instance, to address the <span class="sc">Home Secretary</span>
+as "Redoubtable Hunter of Criminals" and to call
+the Board of Exterior
+Affairs (if we had one)
+"Wai-wo-poo." I
+should like my house
+also to be named "The
+Palace of the Hundred
+Flowers." I think there
+are about a hundred,
+though I have not
+counted them. But in
+China it is above all
+things necessary to be
+an ancestor, and this
+may lead to complications
+if Mr. <span class="sc">G. S. de
+Morant</span>, who appears
+to be much more at
+home with the French
+and the Oriental idiom
+than the English, is
+to be trusted. <i>In the
+Claws of the Dragon</i>
+(<span class="sc">Allen and Unwin</span>)
+describes the experiences
+of a young lady
+named <i>Monique</i>, who married the Secretary to the Chinese
+Embassy in Paris and was obliged, after visiting her relations-in-law,
+to reconcile herself to the introduction of a
+second wife into the family, in order that their notions of
+propriety might be respected and an heir born to the line.
+When she had consented she returned to Paris and wrote
+the following cablegram from her own mother's house:
+"You have acted as a good son and a faithful husband.
+Bring back with you the mother of our (<i>sic</i>) child." And
+so, the author evidently feels, it all ended happily. His
+book is an interesting and amusing presentment of an older
+civilisation, but if it won't strain the <i>Entente</i> I am bound
+to say that I disagree with his conclusions.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I fear it may sound an unkindly criticism, but my abiding
+trouble with <i>Broken Colour</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>) was an inability to get
+any of the characters, with perhaps one exception, to come
+alive or behave otherwise than as parts of a thoroughly
+nice-mannered and unsensational story. Perhaps it was
+my own fault. Mr. <span class="sc">Harold Ohlson</span> (whose previous book
+I liked) has obviously, perhaps a little too obviously, done
+his best for these people. It is a tale of two rivalries: that
+for the heroine, between the penniless artist-hero and a
+pound-full other; and that in the breast of the p.a.h.,
+between the flesh-pots of commerce and the world-well-lost-for-Chelsea.
+It is typical of Mr. <span class="sc">Ohlson's</span> care that, though
+one would in such a situation nine times out of ten be safe
+in backing Art for the double event, he makes so even a
+match of it between <i>Hubert</i> and <i>Ralph</i> that he leaves the
+heroine ringing the door-bell of the one immediately after
+kissing the other. You observe that I was perhaps really
+more interested in the contest than my opening words would
+suggest, but it was always in a detached story-book way;
+except in the case of a mildly unsympathetic secretary,
+represented as having spent too much time in the contemplation
+of other persons' affluence, also as owning an
+expensive-looking stick that made him long to be as rich
+as it caused him to appear. I hate to think that there can
+have been anything here to touch a chord in the reviewing
+breast, but the fact remains that <i>Mr. Burnham</i> stands out
+for me as the only genuinely human figure in the book.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Blessed, no doubt, is the nation or the man without a
+history, but blessed too is the biographer who has something
+definite to write about.
+Mr. <span class="sc">C. Carlisle Taylor</span>,
+in putting together
+his <i>Life of Admiral
+Mahan</i> (<span class="sc">Murray</span>), the
+American naval philosopher
+and prophet, must
+have felt this keenly,
+for rarely can a man
+whose work was so important
+that he simply
+had to have a biography
+have done so
+few things of the kind
+that help to fill up a
+book. The Admiral
+not only foresaw the
+great War before 1914;
+he even suggested definite
+details of it&mdash;for
+instance, the loyalty of
+Italy to Western civilisation
+and the final surrender
+of the German
+fleet; yet in himself,
+though the writer draws an attractive picture of his
+home and religious life, he was only a kindly Christian
+gentleman who lectured to a few naval students. This
+is not the stuff to turn into a thrilling life-story, yet his
+studies on <i>Sea-Power</i> in relation to national greatness
+must certainly be reckoned among the prime causes of world-war.
+They set the Germans trying to outbuild the British
+fleet; more fortunately they were an inspiration to naval
+enthusiasts in this country also. Mr. <span class="sc">Taylor</span> has a pleasant
+chapter describing the immediate recognition and welcome
+his hero received in England, while it has taken quite a
+number of chapters to do justice to all the written tributes
+to his genius that the energetic author has collected. Personally,
+if ever I had been in doubt about it, I should have
+been quite willing to take that genius for granted some time
+before the end, and could indeed recommend the volume much
+more happily if it were reduced by about half. It will be
+valuable mainly as a necessary work of reference.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/500.png"><img src="images/500-500.png" width="500" height="344" alt="No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?" /></a>
+<p><i>Artist</i> (<i>condescendingly</i>). "<span class="sc">I did this last
+summer. It really isn't much good.</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Candid Friend.</i> "<span class="sc">No, it certainly isn't. But who told you?</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Our Well-Informed Press.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"At Kensington Palace the ground frost registered 9 deg. Fahr.,
+which represents 23 degrees below zero."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+<h4>"<span class="sc1">Wells Hits Back at Churchill.</span>"</h4>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Sunday Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Not the Bombardier, as you might think, but <span class="sc">Bert Wells</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<br /><br /><br />
+
+<table align="center" summary="note">
+<tr>
+    <td class="note">
+
+<h4><span class="sc">Transcriber's notes:</span></h4>
+
+<p>Page 481: Tristan d'Acunha&mdash;this spelling also appears in the previous
+issue of 'Punch'.</p>
+
+<p>Page 488: Single quote corrected to double quote.</p>
+
+<p>Page 493: Replaced missing double quote.</p>
+
+<p>Page 494: Replaced missing opening quote.</p>
+
+<p>Page 498: Removed extraneous closing quote.</p>
+
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 159, DECEMBER 22, 1920***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 19350-h.txt or 19350-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350">http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/3/5/19350</a></p>
+<p>Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.</p>
+
+<p>Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.</p>
+
+
+
+<pre>
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/license">http://www.gutenberg.org/license)</a>.
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS,' WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at http://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit: http://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Each eBook is in a subdirectory of the same number as the eBook's
+eBook number, often in several formats including plain vanilla ASCII,
+compressed (zipped), HTML and others.
+
+Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks replace the old file and take over
+the old filename and etext number.  The replaced older file is renamed.
+VERSIONS based on separate sources are treated as new eBooks receiving
+new filenames and etext numbers.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org">http://www.gutenberg.org</a>
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
+EBooks posted prior to November 2003, with eBook numbers BELOW #10000,
+are filed in directories based on their release date.  If you want to
+download any of these eBooks directly, rather than using the regular
+search system you may utilize the following addresses and just
+download by the etext year.
+
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/etext06/</a>
+
+    (Or /etext 05, 04, 03, 02, 01, 00, 99,
+     98, 97, 96, 95, 94, 93, 92, 92, 91 or 90)
+
+EBooks posted since November 2003, with etext numbers OVER #10000, are
+filed in a different way.  The year of a release date is no longer part
+of the directory path.  The path is based on the etext number (which is
+identical to the filename).  The path to the file is made up of single
+digits corresponding to all but the last digit in the filename.  For
+example an eBook of filename 10234 would be found at:
+
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/0/2/3/10234
+
+or filename 24689 would be found at:
+http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/2/4/6/8/24689
+
+An alternative method of locating eBooks:
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL">http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/GUTINDEX.ALL</a>
+
+*** END: FULL LICENSE ***
+</pre>
+</body>
+</html>
diff --git a/19350-h/images/483-370.png b/19350-h/images/483-370.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..ef030a4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/483-370.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/483.png b/19350-h/images/483.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1cbdfc7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/483.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/484-600.png b/19350-h/images/484-600.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b30ba27
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/484-600.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/484.png b/19350-h/images/484.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..aee7835
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/484.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/485-319.png b/19350-h/images/485-319.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e613a9a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/485-319.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/485.png b/19350-h/images/485.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c1dcb36
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/485.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/487-1-300.png b/19350-h/images/487-1-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b1009dc
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/487-1-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/487-2-300.png b/19350-h/images/487-2-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a3374b4
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/487-2-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/487-3-300.png b/19350-h/images/487-3-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..050d9f2
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/487-3-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/487-4-300.png b/19350-h/images/487-4-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cafa531
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/487-4-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/487-5-300.png b/19350-h/images/487-5-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..3cffb3a
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/487-5-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/487-6-300.png b/19350-h/images/487-6-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..eed7b2d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/487-6-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/487.png b/19350-h/images/487.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b4230d0
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/487.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/488-372.png b/19350-h/images/488-372.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..07c1898
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/488-372.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/488.png b/19350-h/images/488.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..1aa7a69
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/488.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/489-600.png b/19350-h/images/489-600.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4ca96a9
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/489-600.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/489.png b/19350-h/images/489.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e641287
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/489.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/490-600.png b/19350-h/images/490-600.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..9d12a14
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/490-600.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/490.png b/19350-h/images/490.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a4ef4d6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/490.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/491-354.png b/19350-h/images/491-354.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..2c37c45
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/491-354.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/491.png b/19350-h/images/491.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..14597e6
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/491.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/493-1-300.png b/19350-h/images/493-1-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..8cba74f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/493-1-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/493-1.png b/19350-h/images/493-1.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..bc578fe
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/493-1.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/493-2-300.png b/19350-h/images/493-2-300.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..5c84b97
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/493-2-300.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/493-2.png b/19350-h/images/493-2.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..cd427d7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/493-2.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/494-600.png b/19350-h/images/494-600.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..d4fdb05
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/494-600.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/494.png b/19350-h/images/494.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..c305051
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/494.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/495-600.png b/19350-h/images/495-600.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..a04fa63
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/495-600.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/495.png b/19350-h/images/495.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..556e349
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/495.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/497-600.png b/19350-h/images/497-600.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..24ee363
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/497-600.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/497.png b/19350-h/images/497.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..026d172
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/497.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/498-338.png b/19350-h/images/498-338.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..e157acf
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/498-338.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/498.png b/19350-h/images/498.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..0cc1d67
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/498.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/499-600.png b/19350-h/images/499-600.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..47c1c63
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/499-600.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/499.png b/19350-h/images/499.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..b816778
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/499.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/500-500.png b/19350-h/images/500-500.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..da330b8
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/500-500.png
diff --git a/19350-h/images/500.png b/19350-h/images/500.png
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..860159f
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350-h/images/500.png
diff --git a/19350.txt b/19350.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..747902d
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,2343 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+December 22, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 22, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2006  [eBook #19350]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 159, DECEMBER 22, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net/)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 19350-h.htm or 19350-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350/19350-h/19350-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350/19350-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+DECEMBER 22ND, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA. It is pointed out that the display of December meteors is
+more than usually lavish. Send a postcard to your M.P. about it.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. LLOYD GEORGE recently stated that the first prize he ever won
+was for singing. It is only fair to say that this happened in the
+pre-NORTHCLIFFE era.
+
+       * * *
+
+An elderly Londoner recalls a Christmas when the cold was so intense
+that in a Soho restaurant the ices froze.
+
+       * * *
+
+There has arrived at the Zoo a bird akin to the partridge and
+excellent for the table, but unable to fly. The very thing for the
+estate of a sporting profiteer.
+
+       * * *
+
+"What is the best fire preventative?" asks a weekly journal. The
+answer is, the present price of coal.
+
+       * * *
+
+The National Rat Campaign this year, we are told, was a great success.
+On the other hand we gather that several rats have threatened to issue
+a minority report.
+
+       * * *
+
+"There is nothing so enjoyable," says a newspaper correspondent, "as
+a trip across the water to Ireland." Except, of course, a trip back
+again.
+
+       * * *
+
+A number of Huns are receiving Iron Crosses through the post inscribed
+"Your Fatherland does not forget you." How like Germany! She won't
+even allow bygones to be bygones.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Let Christmas come," says a contemporary headline. We have arranged
+to do so.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Minneapolis judge rules that a man has the right to declare himself
+head of the household. Opinion in this country agrees that he has the
+right but rarely the pluck.
+
+       * * *
+
+"My faith in the League of Nations is not shaken," says Lord ROBERT
+CECIL. This is the dogged spirit which is going to make this country
+what it used to be.
+
+       * * *
+
+"It may yet be possible," according to the Water Power Resources
+Committee, "to harness the moon." This of course would depend upon
+whether Sir ERIC GEDDES would let them have it or not.
+
+       * * *
+
+Cinema stunt actors, says _The Manchester Guardian_, expect to be paid
+fifty pounds for a motor smash. It seems an injustice that ordinary
+pedestrians should have to take part in this sort of thing for
+nothing.
+
+       * * *
+
+The continued disappearance of notepaper from a well-known club has
+now been traced to a large female cat, and most of the paper has
+been recovered from her sleeping-basket. It is thought that she was
+probably preparing to write her memoirs.
+
+       * * *
+
+A burglar who broke into a private house near Hitchin helped himself
+to a good supper before leaving. It is pleasing to learn, however,
+that, judging by the disordered state in which the pantry was left,
+the Stilton cheese must have put up a splendid fight.
+
+       * * *
+
+It was most unfortunate that Mr. "FATTY" ARBUCKLE'S visit to London
+should have clashed with the Cattle Show at the Royal Agricultural
+Hall.
+
+       * * *
+
+During a recent revue performance in London the conductor accidentally
+turned over two pages of music at once and the orchestra suddenly
+ceased playing. Several words of the chorus were actually heard by
+those sitting in front before the mistake could be rectified.
+
+       * * *
+
+Green peas in excellent condition, says a contemporary, have been
+picked at Pentlow, Sussex. It serves them right.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Although Labour extremists are now much quieter it would take very
+little to set the ball of discontent into motion once again," states a
+writer in the Sunday Press. This being so, is it not rather unwise to
+let Christmas Day fall this year on the workmen's half holiday?
+
+       * * *
+
+We question the wisdom of drawing the attention of Parliament to the
+silence of the POET LAUREATE. If he is goaded into breaking it we
+shall know whom to blame.
+
+       * * *
+
+"If people at home only knew how grateful we are for _anything_ that
+is sent us," writes a lady from the island of Tristan d'Acunha.
+If they are as easily pleased as that, the idea of sending them
+Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY should not be lost sight of.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The Hexathlon," we read, "is a form of contest new to this country."
+Mind you get one for the children at Christmas.
+
+       * * *
+
+A new type of American warship is expected to be able to cross the
+Atlantic in a little over three days. It will be remembered that the
+fastest of the 1914 lot took nearly three years.
+
+       * * *
+
+Large numbers of Filipinos are resisting an edict requiring them to
+wear trousers. Unfortunately it is impossible to offer to accommodate
+them all in the ranks of the Chicago Scottish.
+
+       * * *
+
+Riverside residents remarked that just before the cold set in large
+flocks of seagulls passed up the Thames. Well, what did they expect?
+Flamingoes?
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. A. B. WALKLEY has remarked that a prejudice against actors is as
+old as the stage. It is satisfactory to think that it is no older and
+that in many cases it may be removed by a change of profession.
+
+       * * *
+
+"I never dreamed of anything like this when I invented the telephone,"
+said Dr. BELL after a demonstration. Neither as a matter of fact did
+we when we hired ours.
+
+       * * *
+
+Owing to the fact that Dr. BELL has experienced no unpleasantness
+during his stay over here, it is thought that the American genius who
+invented revues may now risk a visit to our shores.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is with the deepest sorrow that we record the death of F. H.
+Townsend, which occurred, without any warning, on December 11th. Their
+personal loss is keenly felt by his colleagues of the _Punch_ Table,
+to whom the fresh candour of his nature and his brave gaiety of
+spirit, not less than his technical skill and resourcefulness, were a
+constant delight and will remain an inspiration. As Art Editor he will
+be greatly missed by the many contributors who have been helped by his
+kindly counsel and encouragement. Of the gap that he leaves in the
+world of Art they are sadly conscious who followed and appreciated
+his fine work not only in the pages of _Punch_ but in his
+book-illustrations and in those appeals for charity to which he always
+gave freely of his best.
+
+To his nearest and dearest among the wide circle that loved him we ask
+leave to offer the sympathy of friends who truly share their grief.
+With them we mourn a life untimely closed, and great gifts lost to us
+while still in their fulness; but we take comfort in the thought that
+death touched him with swift and gentle hand, and that he died with
+harness on, as a man would choose to die.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+"THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT."
+
+IN AFFECTIONATE MEMORY OF F. H. TOWNSEND.
+
+Only a few days before the sudden tragedy which took from us our
+colleague of the _Punch_ Staff, he made me a small request, very
+characteristic of his kindly heart. It was that I should put in these
+pages a notice of _The Christmas Spirit_, the illustrated annual
+published in aid of the work of Talbot House ("Toc. H."), in which he
+had taken a practical interest. In carrying out his wish I want not
+only to plead in behalf of a good cause, but also to associate this
+appeal with the memory of one with whom for over fourteen years I have
+worked in close and happy comradeship.
+
+In case any reader of _Punch_ has yet to be introduced to the idea
+of Talbot House, let me explain that its purpose is to carry on in
+peace-time the work that was done by the original "Toc. H.," which
+from 1915 to 1918, under the management of the Rev. P. R. CLAYTON,
+M.C., Garrison Chaplain, provided the comforts of a club and
+rest-house at Poperinghe for soldiers passing to and fro in the
+deadly Salient of Ypres. Its objects--I quote from _The Christmas
+Spirit_--are:
+
+    "(1) To preserve among ex-Service men and to transmit to the
+    younger generation the traditions of Christian Fellowship and
+    Service manifested on Active Service.
+
+    (2) To offer opportunities for recreation and the making of
+    friendships to thousands of men who find life a difficult salient
+    to hold.
+
+    (3) To provide opportunities for men of all kinds to come together
+    in the Spirit of Service, to study, to discuss and, if possible,
+    to solve the problems of their time.
+
+    (4) To offer the help and happiness of club life at a low rate by
+    establishing clubs in many centres throughout the country as the
+    focus of the brotherhood."
+
+The noble work done by Talbot House in Poperinghe and Ypres was
+gratefully recognised by the scores of thousands of our troops whose
+needs it served in those hard days, but it was only when the War was
+over that its story was made known to the public at home in _Tales of
+Talbot House_ (CHATTO AND WINDUS), which received a warm welcome in
+the review columns of _Punch_. This was followed recently by _The
+Pilgrim's Guide to the Ypres Salient_ (REIACH), a little book compiled
+and written, as a labour of love, entirely by ex-Service men. Besides
+being actually a present-day guide to the Salient, it contains special
+articles illustrating the life that was there lived during the War by
+various branches of the service. And now we have the annual of "Toc.
+H."--_The Christmas Spirit_--to which the PRINCE OF WALES has given
+a foreword and a host of brilliant authors and artists have freely
+contributed. Here are RUDYARD KIPLING, STEPHEN GRAHAM, G. K.
+CHESTERTON, E. F. BENSON, IAN HAY, GILBERT FRANKAU, W. ROTHENSTEIN,
+"SPY," DERWENT WOOD, HEATH ROBINSON and, of _Punch_ artists, F. H.
+TOWNSEND, LEWIS BAUMER, G. L. STAMPA, GEORGE MORROW, G. D. ARMOUR,
+E. H. SHEPARD, "FOUGASSE," WALLIS MILLS and H. M. BATEMAN.
+
+The four contributions of F. H. TOWNSEND include a "first study" for
+a drawing that appeared recently in _Punch_ and a delightful sketch
+of "The Christmas Spirit," as typified by a St. Bernard dog from whose
+little keg of brandy a traveller, up to the neck in snow, is reviving
+himself.
+
+Out of the great scheme in whose aid this remarkable annual has been
+published have already sprung two Talbot Houses, one in Queen's Gate
+Gardens, and one in St. George's Square. There is still need of a main
+headquarters in London and hostels for its branches, more than sixty
+of them, spread all over the country. "'Toc. H.,'" says its Padre, "is
+not a charity. Once opened our Hostel Clubs are self-supporting, as
+our experience already proves. In Edinburgh, Liverpool, Manchester,
+Bristol, Newcastle, Birmingham, Leeds, Sheffield, two thousand pounds
+will open a house for which our branches in each of these places are
+crying out. It is only the original outlay, the furniture and the
+first quarter's rent, which stand between us and a whole series of
+such houses in the great provincial centres. Fifty pounds will endow a
+bedroom, where a lad can live cheaper than in the dingiest lodgings,
+and know something better of a great city than that it is a place
+where all evil is open to him and all good is behind closed doors....
+'Toc. H.,' we repeat, is _not_ another recurrent charity. It is a wise
+way of helping to meet our debt of honour; it is a living and growing
+memorial, charged with the task of making reincarnate in the younger
+world the qualities which saved us."
+
+_Punch_ ventures to add his voice to this claim upon our honour and
+gratitude; and, if I may, I would like to make appeal to all who
+loved the work of our friend who is dead, that they should send some
+offering to this good cause as a personal tribute to the memory of a
+man who, in his own form of service, did so much to cheer the hearts
+of our fighting men in the dark hours that are over.
+
+Contributions should be addressed to the Rev. P. B. CLAYTON, M.C.,
+Effingham House, Arundel Street, Strand, W.C.2.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE FAIRY TAILOR.
+
+  Sitting on the flower-bed beneath the hollyhocks
+  I spied the tiny tailor who makes the fairies' frocks;
+  There he sat a-stitching all the afternoon
+  And sang a little ditty to a quaint wee tune:
+    "Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves,
+    Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves,
+    White for the pixies that dance upon the green,
+    But where shall I find me a robe for the Queen?"
+
+  All about the garden his little men he sent,
+  Up and down and in and out unceasingly they went;
+  Here they stole a blossom, there they pulled a leaf,
+  And bound them up with gossamer into a glowing sheaf.
+    Petals of the pansy for little velvet shoon,
+    Silk of the poppy for a dance beneath the moon,
+    Lawn of the jessamine, damask of the rose,
+    To make their pretty kirtles and airy furbelows.
+
+  Never roving pirates back from Southern seas
+  Brought a store of treasures home beautiful as these;
+  They heaped them all about him in a sweet gay pile,
+  But still he kept a-stitching and a-singing all the while:
+    "Grey for the goblins, blue for the elves,
+    Brown for the little gnomes that live by themselves,
+    White for the pixies that dance on the green,
+    But who shall make a royal gown to deck the Fairy Queen?"
+
+  R. F.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Unless he wishes to raise a hornet's nest about his ears we would
+    advise him to let sleeping dogs lie."--_Local Paper_.
+
+Personally we never keep a dog that harbours hornets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a concert-programme:--
+
+    "Fantastic Symphony ... Berlioz in a Vodka Shop ... Bax."
+
+    _Birmingham Paper_.
+
+This should help to combat the current opinion that BERLIOZ is dry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sir Johnston Forbes-Robertson said there were, in certain places,
+    some forms of light entertainments which, to say the least, wanted
+    carefully watching."--_Daily Paper_.
+
+At present, we gather, the wrong people do the watching.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SING A SONG OF DRACHMAS.
+
+(_TINO AT ATHENS._)
+
+THE KING WAS IN HIS COUNTING-HOUSE LOOKING FOR HIS MONEY.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Man of Wealth_ (_to his son just home for the
+holidays_). "AND WHY DON'T YOU LIKE YOUR FUR COAT? I'LL BET NONE OF
+THE OTHER BOYS 'AVE GOT ONE."
+
+_Son._ "YES, BUT NONE OF THE OTHER BOYS HAVE TO BE CALLED 'SKUNKY.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THOUGHTS IN A COLD SNAP.
+
+It is going to be very cold when I get up, which will be almost
+immediately--very cold indeed. It was zero yesterday; it may be below
+the line to-day, twenty or thirty below the line--even more. A
+little slam, perhaps, in spades. There are icicles hanging from the
+window-frame; and it is a curious thing, when one comes to think of
+it, what a lot of things there are that rhyme with icicle: tricycle,
+bicycle, phthisical, psychical--no, I am wrong, not psychical ...
+
+Anyhow, it is going to be very cold. Some people do not mind the cold.
+There are people bathing in the Serpentine at this moment, I suppose,
+and apparently nothing can be done about it. They ju-just break the
+ice and ju-jump in. And yet it is not their ice; it is the KING'S.
+It seems to me that it ought to be made illegal, this breaking of
+the KING's ice, like the breaking of windows in Whitehall. These
+ice-breakers seem to me as bad as the people who say, "It's going to
+be a nice old-fashioned Christmas, with Yule-logs and things." Not
+that I object to Yule-logs. I have some in my own Yule-shed, hand-sawn
+by myself, though I am not a good hand-sawyer. When I get about
+halfway through, the saw begins to gnash its teeth and groan at me.
+It seems to me that what is wanted is a machine for turning the logs
+round and round while one holds the saw steady. But there is something
+beautiful in burning the Yule-logs of one's own fashioning that makes
+one feel like the sculptor when at last the living beauty has burst
+forth under his chisel from the shapeless stone. Besides, they are
+cheaper than coal.
+
+As I say, when people talk of "Yule-logs and things," it is not the
+Yule-logs that I object to. It is the things. Nasty cold things like
+clean shirts and collars and bedroom door-handles--there ought to be
+hot water in bedroom door-handles--nasty cold things that make one say
+"Ugh." I have a theory that the word "Ugh" was invented on some such
+morning as this. Previously people had been contented with noises like
+"Ouch" and "Ouf" and "Ur-r," though they realised how inadequate they
+were. And then one day, one very cold 0/40 day, inspiration came
+to the frenzied brain of a genius, and he wrote down that single
+exquisite heart-cry and hurried it off to the printer. People knew
+then that the supreme mating of sound and sense, which we have agreed
+to call poetry, had once more been achieved.
+
+But I have wandered a little from the Serpentine. Has it ever struck
+you what people who bathe in the Serpentine on days like this are like
+during the rest of the year?
+
+Suppose it is a balmy spring morning, a mild temperate afternoon in
+early summer, a soft autumn twilight when everyone else is happy and
+content, what are they doing then? Positively bathed in perspiration,
+groaning under the burden of the sun, mopping their shining foreheads
+and putting cabbage-leaves under their hats. And then at last comes
+the day they have longed for and looked forward to all through the
+twelve-months' heat-wave, a beautiful day forty degrees below the
+belt. They spring out of bed and fling wide the casement. That is
+what they intend to do, at least. As a matter of fact, of course,
+it is stuck, and they have to bash it out with a bolster, sending the
+icicles clinking into the basement. "Delicious!" they say, leaning out
+and breathing deep. Then they chip a piece of ice out of the water-jug
+with a hammer, rub it on their faces and begin to shave.
+
+They shave in their cotton pyjamas, with bare feet, humming a song.
+Then they put on old flannels and a blazer, wrap a towel round their
+neck, light a cigarette, pick up a mattock and stroll to Hyde Park.
+When they get there they feloniously break the KING'S ice. Then they
+"ugh." The mere thought of these people ughing with a great splash
+into the Serpentine makes me feel ill. When I think of them afterwards
+sitting lazily on the bank and letting the blizzard dry their hair,
+basking in the snow for an hour or two and reading their morning
+paper, and every now and then throwing a snowball or a piece of "ugh"
+into the water, I hate them. Nobody ought to be allowed to bathe in
+the Serpentine on days like this except the swans, who paddle all
+night to hold the ice at bay. I wonder if I could get a swan and keep
+it in the water-jug.
+
+Half-past eight? Yes, I did hear, thank you. I am really going to get
+up very soon now.
+
+What I am going to do is to make one tiger-like leap--tiger-like leap,
+I say--for the bathroom door and turn the hot-water tap full on until
+the whole of the upper part of the house is filled with steam.
+
+I am going to do it this very moment. I--yes--ugh.
+
+Now I come to think of it a tiger-like leap would be quite the wrong
+idea. I am glad I did not do it. Tigers are not cold when they leap.
+"Tiger, tiger, burning bright." Tiger, tiger----
+
+What did you say? A quarter to nine? What? And the water-pipes frozen?
+_Are_ they?
+
+Thankugh.
+
+K.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WIDOW KISSED BY BURGLAR.
+
+    ADVENTURE WITH A SOFT-VOICED GIANT.
+
+    The gurglar took nothing away with him." _Scots Paper._
+
+"Gurglar" seems the _mot juste_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "---- CLUB. Monthly medal competition. Returns:--
+
+                      Gross.    Hep.        Nett.
+      F. Slicer         92        8          84
+      W. H. Putter     103       16          87"
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+If only the Judicious HOOKER had been playing he might have downed
+them both.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM.
+
+_Mother_ (_trying to calm her lachrymose offspring_). "'ERE,
+ALBERT--LOOK AT THE PRETTY FISHES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+THE PIG.
+
+  The way in which he eats and drinks
+    Is so extremely crude
+  That nearly everybody thinks
+    The pig enjoys his food.
+
+  But when I see how very fast,
+    Without one single chew,
+  He gobbles up his huge repast,
+    I'm sure it isn't true.
+
+  Far nobler than your Uncle Joe,
+    Who simply sits and sits,
+  Revolving, gluttonous and slow,
+    The more attractive bits;
+
+  Far nobler than your Uncle Dick,
+    Who likes the choicest food,
+  And, if he doesn't have the pick,
+    Is very, very rude;
+
+  The pig has not a word to say
+    To subtleties of taste;
+  He eats whatever comes his way
+    With admirable haste.
+
+  In fact, the pig may well resent
+    The insult to his line
+  When certain of the affluent
+    Are said to eat like swine.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "None are much better than others, and some are much worse."--_New
+    Zealand Paper._
+
+We fear the writer is a pessimist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+TAFFY THE FOX.
+
+[Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY has complained of the war-time efforts of the
+POET LAUREATE, and desires the appointment of a national bard whose
+mind is more attuned to the soul of the British nation. Recent
+political events are not of course a very inspiring subject for
+serious verse, but we have tried to do our feeble best here in faint
+imitation of one of the manners of Mr. JOHN MASEFIELD.]
+
+  Safe and snug from the wind and rain
+  In a thick of gorse with a tranquil brain
+  The fox had slept, and his dreams were all
+  Of the wild Welsh hills and the country's call;
+  He slept all night in the Wan Tun Waste,
+  He woke at dawn and about he faced,
+  He flexed his ears and he flaired the breeze
+  And scratched with his foot some poor wee fleas;
+  He sat on his haunches, doubted, stood;
+  To his left were the lairs of his native wood,
+  The deep yew darkness of Cowall Itchen;
+  He flaired, I say, with his nostrils twitching
+  Till he smelt the sound of the Fleet Street stunt
+  And over the hillside came the Hunt.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  Over the hillside, clop, clip, clep,
+  And the dappled beauties, Ginger and Pep,
+  Live Wire, Thruster, Fetch Him and Snatch Him,
+  They were coming to bite him and pinch him and scratch him,
+  Whimpering, nosing, scenting his crimes,
+  The Evening News and The Morning Times.
+  "Yooi! On to him! Yooi there!"  Hounds were in;
+  He slunk like a ghost to the edge of the whin;
+  "Hark! Holloa! Hoick!" They were on his trail.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The huntsman, Alfred, rode The Mail,
+  A bright bay mount, his best of prancers,
+  Out of Forget-me-not by Answers.
+  A thick-set man was Alf, and hard;
+  He chewed a straw from the stable-yard;
+  He owned a chestnut, The Dispatch,
+  With one white sock and one white patch;
+  And had bred a mare called Comic Cuts;
+  He was a man with fearful guts.
+  So too was Rother, the first whip,
+  Nothing could give this man the pip;
+  He rode The Mirror, a raking horse,
+  A piebald full of points and force.
+  All that was best in English life,
+  All that appealed to man or wife,
+  Sweet peas or standard bread or sales
+  These two men loved. They hated Wales.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The fox burst out with a flair of cunning,
+  He ran like mad and he went on running;
+  He made his point for the Heroes' Pleasance,
+  By Hang Bill Copse, where he roused the pheasants.
+  They rose with a whirr and kuk, kuk, kukkered;
+  The fox ran on with a mask unpuckered
+  By Boshale Stump and Uttermost Penny,
+  Where the grass was short and the tracks were many.
+  He tried the clay and he tried the marl,
+  A workman's whippet began to snarl;
+  Into the Dodder a splash he went;
+  All that he cared was to change the scent,
+  And half of the pack from the line he shook
+  By paddling about in the Beaver Brook.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  He swerved to the left at Maynard Keynes,
+  With an eye to sheep and an eye to drains;
+  By Old Cole Smiley and Clere St. Thomas,
+  Without any stops and without any commas;
+  At Addison's Cots he went so quick,
+  He startled a bricklayer laying a brick;
+  He ran over oats and he ran over barleys,
+  By Moss Cow Puddle and Rushen Parleys;
+  By Lympne Sassoon and Limpet Farm
+  He scattered the geese in wild alarm;
+  He ran with a pain growing under his pinny
+  Till he heard the sound of a war-horse whinny,
+  And tried for an earth in the Tory Holts.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The earth was stopped. It was barred with bolts.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  He turned again and he passed Spen Valley,
+  By Paisley Shawls and Leamington Raleigh;
+  His flanks were wet, he was mire-beslobbered
+  By Hatfield Yew and by Hatfield Robert;
+  He tried a hen-coop, he tried a tub,
+  He tried the National Liberal Club--
+  A terrier barked and turned him out.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  He tried the end of an old drain-spout.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  It was much too small. With a bursting heart
+  He thought of the home where he made his start;
+  His flanks were heaving, his soul despairing,
+  He flaired again--he was always flairing
+  To find the best way of escape and nab it,
+  He couldn't get out of this flairing habit;
+  He felt at his back the fiery breath
+  Of the Kill Gorge pack that had vowed his death;
+  He turned once more for the shelter good
+  Of the Wan Tun Waste and the dark yew wood,
+  The deep yew fastness of Cowall Itchen
+  And the scuts and heads of hens in his kitchen.
+  The hounds grew weak and The Mail was blowing;
+  Rother said, "Alf, this is bad going!"
+  Past Pemberton Billing, past Kenworthy,
+  He shook them off, he was damp and earthy;
+  By Molton Lambert and Platting Clynes----
+  But I can't go on with these difficult lines.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+  The night closed down and the hunt was dead,
+  Alfred and Rother were tucked in bed;
+  The cold moon rose on a fox's snore
+  And everything much as it was before.
+
+  Evoe.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+    "'Her feet beneath her petticoat like little mice peep in and out.'
+
+    Yes, but when Bobbie Burns wrote that the lassies of Scotland
+    didn't wear Louis heels and extremely short skirts."--_Ladies'
+    Paper._
+
+Any more than they did when Sir JOHN SUCKLING apostrophised the "wee,
+sleekit, cow'rin', tim'rous beastie."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Sleuths.
+
+    "A Sheffield firm of solicitors have, this week, had stolen from
+    one of the pegs in the hall an overcoat belonging to one of the
+    principals. The solicitor concerned is of the opinion that someone
+    removed it between his arrival at the office the other morning
+    and going to find it in the evening, when it was
+    missing."--_Provincial Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The Sandringham Hat.
+
+    "Many women are making surprise presents of hats to their
+    husbands, and will take great pleasure in seeing them worn for the
+    first time on Christmas Day."--_Daily Mail_.
+
+We understand that it will be the quietest Christmas on record, many
+family men having decided to spend the day in the seclusion of their
+own homes.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "WHAT I LIKE--]
+
+[Illustration: --ABOUT SWITZERLAND IS--]
+
+[Illustration: --THE COMPLETE CHANGE--]
+
+[Illustration: --FROM LONDON LIFE--]
+
+[Illustration: --AND ALL THAT--]
+
+[Illustration: --NEEDLESS DRESSING-UP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Doris._ "BUT, JIMMY, I THOUGHT YOU CAME TO BUY A
+PRESENT FOR DADDY?"
+
+_Jimmy._ "YES, IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIS, I _AM_ DOING. HE M'NOPOLISED
+MY ENGINE LAST CHRISTMAS; I THOUGHT HE'D LIKE ONE FOR HIMSELF THIS
+YEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE HUMOURIST.
+
+"Here's Alan," said Cecilia; "good."
+
+"Really," I said, stopping and bowing slightly in several directions,
+"I am touched. Such a reception.... I find no words----"
+
+"Don't be funny," said Margery cuttingly, "we shan't laugh. What we
+want to know is what are you going to do?"
+
+"Well," I said, "I did think of sitting by the fire and--er--just
+watching it burn."
+
+"Oh, dear," said Margery, "please don't be dense. I mean, what are you
+going to do at the show?"
+
+I passed my hand over my eyes.
+
+"I'm sorry," I said; "I'm afraid I don't.... Have I been to sleep for
+ten years or anything?"
+
+"Tell him," said Margery impatiently. "You'll have to start right at
+the beginning."
+
+I sat down expectantly.
+
+"Well," began Cecilia, "Christmas is coming and we shall be full up."
+
+"Of course, of course," I murmured deprecatingly. "You want me to get
+some medicine ready for you?"
+
+"I mean the house will be full up," explained Cecilia coldly.
+"The point is we must arrange something beforehand--some sort of
+entertainment."
+
+"Good heavens," I said, "you're not going to hire the Sisters
+Sprightly or anything, are you?"
+
+"No, we are not," said Cecilia; "not the Sisters Sprightly nor the
+Brothers Bung. We are going to do it ourselves."
+
+"What--a Sisters Sprightly Act? Have a little shame, Cecilia. What
+will Christopher think when he sees his mother in a ballet skirt,
+kicking about all over the drawing-room?"
+
+"He'd think I looked very nice," said Cecilia hotly, "if I was going
+to wear one; but I'm not."
+
+"Not going to wear a ballet skirt?" I said. "You surely don't mean to
+appear in----"
+
+"We're not going to do a Sisters Sprightly turn at all," shouted
+Margery: "nobody ever thought of them but you."
+
+"Then I give it up," I said helplessly; "I quite understood you to
+say---- Then what are you going to do, anyway?"
+
+"Well, we thought at first we'd do a play, but there were difficulties
+in the way."
+
+"Too true," I said; "none of us can act to begin with."
+
+"Speak for yourself," said Margery.
+
+"Pardon, Miss Thorndike," I apologised.
+
+"No, the difficulty is that we haven't really room for theatricals.
+We should have to use the drawing-room, and by the time you've got
+a stage and scenery and rooms for changing, well, there's simply no
+space left for the audience," explained Cecilia.
+
+"That's no objection at all," I said; "rather an advantage, in fact."
+
+"And anyhow," continued Margery, "we haven't got a play to do."
+
+"And so," said Cecilia, "we've decided to have a concert party."
+
+I gasped.
+
+"Not a concert party," I implored.
+
+"Yes," said Cecilia, "a costume concert party. It isn't any use groaning
+like that. It's all arranged. Sheila and Arthur Davies, Margery, John,
+you and I are in it. The question is what are you going to do?"
+
+"Nothing. I never heard of such a horrible idea."
+
+"Don't be a pig, Alan," said Margery.
+
+"Really, Cecilia," I said, "let me plead with you. _Not_ a costume
+concert party, please. A simple glee perhaps--just four of us--in
+evening dress; or even a conjurer. I'll agree to anything. But not,
+_not_ Pierrots, Cecilia."
+
+"Pierrots it is," said Cecilia defiantly.
+
+"Then I wash my hands of it. To think that our family----"
+
+"You can wash your hands if you like," said Cecilia; "we should prefer
+it, in fact; but you are certainly going to take part."
+
+I know the futility of arguing with Cecilia.
+
+"Then tell me the worst," I begged; "what am I to be? Can I show
+people to their seats, or am I the good-looking tenor with gentlemanly
+features and long hair?"
+
+"We thought of making you the funny man," said Cecilia.
+
+I buried my head in my hands and shuddered.
+
+At this moment John came into the room. "Talking about the 'Merry
+Maggots'?" he said. "Splendid idea of Cecilia's, isn't it? I've just
+been thinking it over, and what we must decide on first of all is who
+is to be the--the humourist. He's the really important man; must be
+someone really first-class."
+
+"We've also been discussing it," I said quickly, "and we came to the
+conclusion that there's only one man for the job--yourself."
+
+John nodded complacently.
+
+"I'm glad to hear you say so, because I was going to suggest it
+myself. It's my belief that I should be a devilish funny fellow if I
+had a chance. I've just tried a few jokes on myself upstairs, and I've
+been simply roaring with laughter. Haven't enjoyed myself so much for
+years."
+
+"Splendid fellow!" I said heartily; "you shall tell them to me later
+on and I'll roar with laughter too. Cecilia, put your husband down for
+the funny man."
+
+"H'm--humourist," corrected John with a slight cough.
+
+"'Humourist,'" I agreed; "and thank goodness that's settled."
+
+"But," said Cecilia, "you said you were going to do a dramatic
+recitation."
+
+"So I am, so I am," said John; "I'm going to do that as well.
+Contrast, my dear Cecilia. Laughter and tears. Double them up with
+sly wit one moment and have them sobbing into their handkerchiefs the
+next. I'm going to do it all, Cecilia."
+
+"So it appears," said Cecilia; "it hardly seems worth while to have
+anybody else in the show."
+
+"Now, now," said John, wagging his forefinger at her, "no jealousy.
+You ought to be glad to have someone really good in the party. _Good_
+funny men aren't to be found just anywhere."
+
+"But we don't know that you _are_ a good funny man," said Margery.
+
+"Of course you don't," said John; "I've never had a chance to prove
+it. For years I have been kept in the background by your family. I'm
+never allowed to make a joke, and if I do nobody laughs. This is my
+chance. I'm going to be in the limelight now. I shall be the life of
+the party, and it's no good trying to stop me. In fact," he finished
+confidentially, "I shan't be surprised if I take it up professionally.
+You should have heard me laughing upstairs."
+
+"But, John," began Margery.
+
+"Sh--!" said Cecilia; "it's no use arguing with him while he's in this
+mood. That's all right, John. You shall be everything you like. But
+as you've selected such a lot of parts for yourself perhaps you'll
+suggest what we can do with Alan."
+
+"Ah," said John; "Alan! Yes, he's a problem, certainly. If he had
+any voice, now. I'm not sure that we want him at all. Could he do a
+clog-dance, do you think?"
+
+"Don't worry," I interrupted; "I've thought of a fine part for me. All
+the best concert parties have a chap who sits in the corner and does
+nothing but look miserable. I could do that splendidly."
+
+"That's quite true," said John approvingly; "it tickles the audience,
+you know, to see a fellow looking glum while everyone else is having
+hysterics at the funny--at the humourist. It isn't as easy as it
+looks, though, Alan. I shall keep saying things to make you laugh, you
+know. You'll find it jolly difficult to keep looking miserable once
+I get going."
+
+"Not at all," I said. "That is, I shall do my best to keep serious.
+I shall try not to listen to you being funny."
+
+John looked at me and considered whether it was worth following up. He
+decided it was not.
+
+"I daresay he'll do," he said loftily to Cecilia; "the fellow has no
+sense of humour anyway."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "So long, old chap! I'm off to Charing Cross."
+"Hospital, I presume."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Commercial Modesty.
+
+    "This system develops such valuable qualities as:--
+
+      --Forgetfulness
+      --Mind Wandering
+      --Brain Fag
+      --Indecision
+      --Dullness
+      --Shyness
+      --Timidity
+      --Weakness of Will
+      --Lack of System
+      --Lack of Initiative
+      --Indefiniteness
+      --Mental Flurry."
+
+    _Advt. in Sunday Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "It is announced that, starting with next week, 'Ways and means'
+    and 'Common Sense' will be amalgamated."
+
+    _Evening Paper_.
+
+Will the Government please note?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Army biscuits, suitable for bed-chair cushions. 3s. reserve.
+    ----'s Auction Sale."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+They seem to have lost something of their war-time hardihood.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy._ "I SAY, ISN'T THERE ANYTHING WITH A BIT
+MORE BUCK IN IT THAN THIS LEMONADE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+PUSS AT THE PALACE.
+
+[_The Daily Telegraph_, in a report of the Cat Show at the Crystal
+Palace, remarks that "the cat has 'come back' as a hobby."]
+
+  O ALL ye devoted cat-lovers,
+    Ere spending the cheques you have cashed,
+  Leave a trifle for tickets to enter the wickets
+    That ope on the Temple of Pasht.
+
+  For to-day in the Palace of PAXTON
+    Cats gathered from every zone--
+  Manx, Persian, Sardinian, Chinese, Abyssinian--
+    Are now being splendidly shown.
+
+  The names of the winners and owners
+    Inspire me with joy and delight;
+  _E.g._, Blue-eyed Molly, John Bull (Madame Dolli)
+    And Snowflake, the champion white.
+
+  And then the adorable kittens!
+    Too high-bred to gambol or skip,
+  With names that are mighty, like Inglewood Clytie,
+    Or comic, like Holme Ruddy Pip.
+
+  It is pleasant to learn Mr. SHAKESPEARE'S
+    Success with his Siamese strain,
+  For his namesake the poet, so far as we know it,
+    Held "poor, harmless" puss in disdain.
+
+  Yes, the cat has "come back" as a hobby,
+    Oh, let us be thankful for that,
+  For it might be the coon or the blue-nosed baboon,
+    Or the deadly Norwegian rat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FINE OLD FRUITY.
+
+Wine merchants must be kind men. So many of those who have sent me
+their circulars this Christmas-time have announced that they are
+"giving their clients the benefit of some exceptionally advantageous
+purchases which they have made."
+
+But it is not the humanity of wine merchants of which I wish to speak.
+It is the intriguing epithets which they apply to their wines. And I
+have entertained myself by applying these to my relatives, an exercise
+which I find attended by the happiest results.
+
+"Fine old style, rich," is, of course, obvious. It applies to more
+than one of my Victorian uncles. "Medium rich" to a cousin or so. More
+subtle is "medium body." This must be Uncle Hilary; he takes little
+exercise nowadays and his figure is suffering. Soon he will be
+"full-bodied" or "full and round." "Elegant, high class" is my Cousin
+Isabel. "Pretty flavour" also is hers. "Fresh and brisk" is Aunt
+Hannah. And could anything be more descriptive of Aunt Geraldine than
+"delicate and generous"?
+
+For "great breed and style" (used, I see, of a claret) I should,
+I fear, be obliged to go outside the family; and "recommended for
+present consumption and for laying down" I only mention because it
+leaves me wondering to what other uses a fine fruity Burgundy could be
+put. But here is a noble one: "Of very high class, stylish, good body
+and fine character." I have tried this on several relations without
+being entirely satisfied about it, and I have finally decided that
+I shall keep it for myself.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Only a few visitors braved the first fall of the snow yesterday
+    and adventured as far as the Zoological Gardens. They found there
+    a depressed-looking collection of animals in the open-air cages,
+    but a perfect holocaust of sparrows."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+The sparrows must have been warm enough, anyway.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: VERDUN.
+
+LONDON (_to her adopted daughter_). "YOU WILL LET _ME_ PASS--TO YOUR
+HEART?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Lord Chancellor._ "AND TO THINK IT WAS THE BEST
+IRISH LINEN!"]
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, December 13th._--Since the House of Lords took the bit in
+its teeth and bolted with the Government of Ireland Bill the LORD
+CHANCELLOR has practically thrown the reins on the creature's neck and
+confined himself to occasional mild remonstrance when it kicked over
+the Government traces. The most he could do when rival amendments were
+put forward was to secure the passage of the less objectionable. Thus
+when Lord SHANDON, for purely sentimental reasons--Ireland knew him as
+"a most susceptible Chancellor"--desired that the unifying body should
+be called a Senate Lord BIRKENHEAD laughed the proposal out of court
+with the remark that "a man might as well purchase a mule with the
+object of founding a stud," and persuaded the Peers to accept the word
+"Council." He was at first inclined to oppose Lord WICKLOW'S amendment
+providing that neither Irish Parliament should take private property
+without compensation; but when he found that an old Home Ruler, Lord
+BRYCE, was in favour of imposing this curb on Irish exuberance he, as
+"a very young Home Ruler," gracefully withdrew his objection.
+
+Sir JOHN BAIRD revealed the names of the members of the Central
+Control Board (Liquor Traffic). The muffled groans that followed the
+announcement of the first of them, Mr. WATERS-BUTLER, were quite
+uncalled for, as I understand that the gentleman in question preserves
+a strict impartiality between two branches of his patronymic.
+
+Sir ERIC GEDDES was not too sympathetic to the complaints of
+overcrowding on the suburban railways; but I cannot think that Mr.
+MARTIN had fully thought out the consequences of his suggestion that
+the right hon. gentleman should take a trip one night from Aldgate to
+Barking and see for himself. Imagine the feelings of the strap-hangers
+when Sir ERIC essayed "little by little" to wedge himself into their
+midst.
+
+If the Opposition desired a really satisfactory discussion on the
+origin of the fires in Cork it should have chosen some other spokesman
+than Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY. The hon. and gallant gentleman was
+less aggressive in manner than usual, but even so he encountered a
+good many interruptions. He was answered in a characteristic speech by
+Mr. CLAUDE LOWTHER; and the debate as a whole never rose much above
+the level where it was left by these "Burnt Cork Comedians."
+
+_Tuesday, December 14th._--Despite the protests of Lord BRAYE, who
+demanded full self-determination for Ireland, the Peers gave a Third
+Reading to the Government of Ireland Bill. Lord CREWE so far modified
+his previous attitude as to congratulate the Government on having held
+on their course in the face of the discouraging events in Ireland, and
+to express the hope that the measure would be worked for all it was
+worth, though, in his lordship's estimation, it was not worth much.
+
+[Illustration: THE END OF THE OMNIBUS.
+
+_Conductor ADDISON._ "A NICE OLD MESS YOU'VE BEEN AND GONE AND MADE!"
+
+_Driver CURZON._ "_ME?_ IF _YOU_ HADN'T BEEN SO LATE IN TURNING OUT I
+SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO CUT THINGS SO FINE."]
+
+The Ministry of Health Bill found the Peers in a much less
+accommodating mood. Lord STRACHIE moved its rejection, chiefly on the
+ground of the financial strain it would impose upon local authorities,
+and was supported by Lord GALWAY, who thought it an insult to
+Parliament to bring forward so ambitious a measure at the fag-end of
+the Session. Lord CURZON vainly endeavoured to avert the coming storm
+by accepting a suggestion that the Bill should be carried over till
+next Session. The majority of the Peers were out for blood, and they
+defeated the Second Reading by 57 to 41. Dr. ADDISON, from the steps
+of the Throne, gloomily watched the overturn of his omnibus. It is
+understood that, following the example of his distinguished namesake,
+he is going to write to _The Spectator_ about Lord STRACHIE.
+
+So many of the Commons appeared to have anticipated the Christmas
+holidays that Questions were run through at a great pace. Mr. HOGGE,
+however, was in his place all right to know how it was, after all the
+protestations of the Government, that an official motor-car containing
+an officer and a lady had been seen outside a toy-shop in Regent
+Street. "Mark how a plain tale shall set you down," said Mr. CHURCHILL
+in effect. The officer was on his way from an outlying branch of the
+War Office to an important conference in Whitehall; the lady was his
+private secretary; the natural route of the car was _via_ Regent
+Street, and the officer had merely seized the opportunity to pick up
+a parcel.
+
+A Supplementary Estimate of six and a-half millions for the Navy gave
+the economists their chance. Mr. G. LAMBERT could not understand why
+we were employing more men at the dockyards than before the War, and
+suggested that three or four of the yards might be sold. This proposal
+was received with singularly little enthusiasm by most of the Members
+for dockyard constituencies; but Sir B. FALLE (Portsmouth) handsomely
+remarked that Chatham might well be leased for private enterprise.
+The Member for Chatham was not present, or he would, no doubt, have
+returned the compliment.
+
+_Wednesday, December 15th._--A less adventurous Minister than Mr.
+CHURCHILL might have funked the task of justifying to a House of
+Economists a Supplementary Army Estimate of forty millions. But he
+boldly tackled the job, and proved to his own satisfaction that half
+the liability was a mere book-entry, and the other half inevitable,
+in view of the Empire's commitments. Sir CHARLES TOWNSHEND, in a
+maiden speech which in the more flamboyant passages suggested the
+collaboration of the EDITOR of _John Bull_, announced his intention
+of supporting the Government "for all I am worth," and proceeded to
+demonstrate that their policy in Mesopotamia had been wrong from start
+to finish.
+
+_Thursday, December 16th._--I don't know whether the current rumours
+of the PRIME MINISTER'S delicacy are put about by malignant enemies
+who hope that Nature will accomplish what they have failed to achieve,
+or by well-meaning friends who desire to convince the Aberystwith
+Sabbatarians that Sunday golf is essential to his well-being. In his
+answers to Questions this afternoon he showed no signs of failing
+powers. When Mr. BILLING accused him of breaking his pledge that there
+should be no more secret diplomacy he modestly replied that that was
+not his but President WILSON'S phrase; and a little later he informed
+the same cocksure questioner that a certain problem was "not so simple
+as my hon. friend imagines most problems are."
+
+An inquiry about the Franco-British boundaries in the Holy Land led
+the PRIME MINISTER to observe that the territory delimited was "the
+old historic Palestine--Dan to Beersheba." It was, of course, a
+mere coincidence that the next Question on the Paper related to the
+destruction of calves, though not the golden kind.
+
+The quarter-deck voice in which Rear-Admiral ADAIR thundered for
+information regarding the Jutland Papers so startled Sir JAMES CRAIG
+that, fearing another salvo if he temporised with the question, he
+promptly promised immediate publication.
+
+Despite a characteristic protest from Mr. DEVLIN, who, as Mr. BONAR
+LAW observed, treats his opponents as if they were "not only morally
+bad but intellectually contemptible," the House proceeded to consider
+the Lords' Amendments to the Home Rule Bill, and dealt with them by
+the time-honoured device of "splitting the difference."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Dealer._ "WELL, THERE SHE IS, GUV'NOR, AN' YOURS AT A
+ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE."
+
+_Farmer._ "NOA, THANKEE. I ONLY GOT POUND NOTES ON ME, YE SEE, AN' I
+DOAN'T WANT TO BREAK INTO ANOTHER."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MALESWOMAN WANTED.--Competent to take charge of Millinery
+    establishment."
+
+    _Trade Paper_.
+
+A sort of Mannequin, we presume.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Viking's Wife_ (_to husband, who is setting off to
+raid the coast of Britain_). "GOOD-BYE, SIGURD DARLING. DON'T FORGET
+WHAT I SAID ABOUT GETTING YOUR FEET WET. AND, BY THE WAY, I'M GREATLY
+IN NEED OF A COOK-GENERAL, IF YOU HAPPEN TO SEE ONE. BUT REMEMBER SHE
+MUST BE CAPABLE AND PLAIN--NOT LIKE THE HUSSIES YOU USUALLY FETCH."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A FOUL GAME.
+
+It is Christmas, and here is a nice little cricket story for the
+hearth. The funny thing about it is that it is true. And the other
+funny thing about it is that it was told to me by a huge Rugger
+Blue called Eric. (I understand people can change their names at
+Confirmation. Why don't they?)
+
+It was in a College match--not, I gather, a particularly serious one.
+Eric and his friend Charles were playing for Balbus College against
+Caramel College. Caramel had an "A" team out, and Balbus, I should
+think, must have had about a "K" team ... anyhow, Eric and Charles
+were both playing. Eric, as he modestly said, doesn't bat much, and
+Charles doesn't bowl much. Eric said to Charles, "I bet you a fiver
+you won't get six wickets." Charles said to Eric, "All right; and I
+bet you a fiver you won't get a hundred runs."
+
+Then began a hideous series of intrigues. Caramel were to bat first,
+and Eric went to the Balbus captain and said, "There's a sovereign[1]
+for you if Charles doesn't go on to bowl _at all_."
+
+  [Footnote 1: This is a pre-war story.]
+
+"Very well," said the captain, with a glance of sinister
+understanding. "Wouldn't have anyhow," he added as he pocketed the
+stake.
+
+Then Charles arrived.
+
+"Two pounds," said the captain.
+
+"What for?" said Charles.
+
+"For ten overs--four bob an over."
+
+"It's too much," said Charles; "but there's a sovereign for you if
+Eric goes in ninth wicket down."
+
+"Very well," said the captain, with a glance of devilish cunning.
+"It's only one lower than usual. Thank you."
+
+Acting on intuition and their knowledge of the captain, Eric and
+Charles then hotly accused each other of bribery. Both confessed,
+and it was agreed to start fair. Charles was to bowl first change and
+Eric was to bat first wicket. The captain said he would want a lot of
+bribing to go back on the original arrangement, especially if it meant
+Charles bowling, but he would do it for the original price; and, as he
+already held the money, Eric and Charles had to concede the point.
+
+By the way, I am afraid the captain doesn't come very well out of
+this, and I'm afraid it is rather an immoral story; but my object is
+to show up the evils of commercialism, so it is all right.
+
+Pallas Athene came down and stood by the bowler's umpire while Charles
+was bowling, and he got five wickets quite easily. It was incredible.
+The Caramel batsmen seemed to be paralysed. Then the last man came in,
+and the first thing he did was to send up a nice little dolly catch to
+Eric at cover-point. Eric missed it. When I say he missed it I mean he
+practically flung it on the ground. Indeed he rather over-did it, and
+the batsman, who was a sportsman and knew Charles, appealed to the
+umpire to say he was really out. Pallas Athene grabbed the umpire by
+the throat, and he said firmly that no catch had been made.
+
+Then the batsmen made a muddle about a run and found themselves in the
+common but embarrassing position of being both at the wicket-keeper's
+end. The ball had gone to Eric and he had only to throw it in to
+Charles, who was bowling, for Charles to put the wicket down. But
+in one of those flashes of inspiration which betray true genius he
+realised that in the circumstances that was just what Charles would
+_not_ do. Direct action was the only thing. So, ball in hand, he
+started at high velocity towards the wicket himself.
+
+He was a Rugger Blue (I told you) and a three-quarter at that, so he
+went fairly fast. However, the batsman saw that he had a faint hope
+after all, and he ran too. It was an heroic race, but the batsman
+had less distance to go. Eric saw that he was losing, and from a few
+yards' range he madly flung the ball at the wicket. He missed the
+wicket, but he hit Charles very hard on the shin, which was something.
+I fancy he must have hit Pallas Athene as well, for with the very next
+ball she gave Charles his sixth wicket.
+
+By this time the game had resolved itself into an Homeric combat
+between the two protagonists, of which the main bodies of the Balbus
+and Caramel armies were merely neutral spectators--neutral, that is,
+so far as they had not been hired out for some dastard service by one
+or other of the duellists.
+
+When Eric went in it was clear that Juno had come down to help him,
+for he made three runs in eight balls without being bowled once. Then
+Charles came in. His first ball he hit slowly between mid-off and
+cover, and he called for a run. All unsuspecting, Eric cantered down
+the pitch. When he was half-way Charles seemed to be seized with the
+sort of panic which sometimes possesses a batsman. "No, no!" he cried.
+"Go back! go back!" And he scuttled back himself. Juno fortunately
+intervened and Eric just got home in time. But he realised now what he
+was up against. His next ball he hit towards mid-wicket, and shouting
+"Come on!" he galloped up the pitch. Charles came on gingerly,
+expecting to be sent back, but Eric duly passed him; he then turned
+round and just raced Charles back to the wicket-keeper's end. Charles
+was only a Soccer Blue (and a goal-keeper at that), and Eric won.
+
+"After that," said Eric with his usual modesty, "it was easy."
+Eyewitnesses, however, have told me more. Juno dealt with the Caramel
+bowlers, but Eric had to compete with Charles. And Charles resorted to
+every kind of devilish expedient. Nearly all the Balbus batsmen were
+bribed to run Eric out, and whenever he hit a boundary Eric had to
+stop and reason with them in the middle of the pitch. Sometimes he
+tried to outbid Charles, but he usually found that he couldn't afford
+it. So he collared the bowling as much as possible and tried not to
+hit anything but boundaries. Juno helped him a good bit in that way.
+
+When he had made seventy he got a ball on the knee. Charles ran out
+and offered to run for him, but Eric said he could manage, thank you.
+Then Charles went and walked rapidly up and down in front of the
+screen; but Eric wasn't the sort of batsman who minded that.
+
+At about ninety, Eric's knee was pretty bad, so he called out for
+somebody to run for him--_not_ Charles. Five of Charles's hirelings
+rushed out of the pavilion, but the captain said he would go himself,
+as that wasn't fair. Besides, he had money on Eric himself.
+
+At this point I gather that Pallas Athene must have deserted Charles
+altogether, for he seems to have entertained for a moment or two the
+ignoble notion of tampering with the scorer. I am glad to be able to
+say that even the members of the Balbus College "K." Team, eaten up
+as they were by this time with commercialism, declined to be parties
+to that particular wickedness. With every circumstance of popular
+excitement Eric's hundredth run--a mis-cue through the slips--was
+finally made, scored and added up. In fact, he carried his bat.
+
+"So you were all square," I said, not without admiration.
+
+"By no means," said Eric. "It cost me forty shillings."
+
+"And Charles?"
+
+"It cost him seven pounds."
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"SUGGESTIONS."
+
+A WARNING.
+
+Entering as we are upon the season of games, it might be well to
+utter an urgent appeal to hostesses not to play "Suggestions." For
+"Suggestions," though it may begin as a game, is really a wrangle.
+Under the guise of a light-hearted pastime it offers little but
+opportunities for misunderstanding, general conversation, allegations
+of unfairness, and disappointment.
+
+"Suggestions" ought to be played like this: You sit in a semicircle
+and the first player says something--anything--a single word. Let us
+suppose it is (as it probably will be in thousands of cases) "MARGOT."
+The next player has to say what "MARGOT" suggests--"reticence," for
+example--and the next player, shutting his mind completely to the word
+"MARGOT," has to say what "reticence" suggests--perhaps _Grimaud_,
+in _The Three Musketeers_--and the fourth player has to disregard
+"reticence" and announce whatever mental reaction the name of
+_Grimaud_ produces. It maybe that he has never heard of _Grimaud_ and
+the similarity of sound suggests only GRIMALDI the clown. Then he
+ought to say, "GRIMALDI the clown," which might in its turn suggest
+"melancholy" or "the circus." All the time no one should speak but the
+players in their turn, and they should speak instantly and should say
+nothing but the thing that is honestly suggested by the previous word.
+At the end of, say, a dozen rounds the process of unwinding the coil
+begins, each player in rotation taking part in the backward process
+until "MARGOT" is again reached.
+
+That is how the game should be played.
+
+This is how it _is_ played:--
+
+_First Player._ Let me see; what shall I say?
+
+_Various other Players_ (_together_). Surely there's no difficulty in
+beginning? Say "anything," etc., etc.
+
+_A Player_ (_looking round_). Say--say "fireplace."
+
+_First Player._ But that's so silly.
+
+_Master of Ceremonies_ (_who wishes he had never proposed the game_).
+It doesn't matter. All that is needed is a start.
+
+_Another player._ Say "MARGOT."
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_All._ Oh, yes, say "MARGOT."
+
+_First Player._ Very well, then--"MARGOT."
+
+(_More laughter._)
+
+_Second Player_ (_trying to be clever_). "Reticence."
+
+(_Shouts of laughter._)
+
+_Other Players._ How could "MARGOT" suggest "reticence"?
+
+_M. C._ Never mind; the point is that it did. Now then--and please
+everyone be silent--now, then, Third Player?
+
+_Third Player._ "Audacity."
+
+_M. C._ I'm afraid you're not playing quite fairly. You see
+"reticence" cannot suggest "audacity." The First Player's word not
+impossibly might. Could it be that you were still thinking of that?
+
+_Third Player._ I'm sorry. But "reticence" doesn't suggest anything.
+
+_Other Players_ (_together_). Oh, yes, it does--"silence," "grumpiness,"
+"oysters," "Trappists."
+
+_M. C._ If a word suggests nothing whatever to you, you should say,
+"Blank mind."
+
+_Third Player._ Ah, but I've thought of something now--"reticule."
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_M. C._ It's all right. That's how the mind does work. Now, next
+player.
+
+_Fourth Player._ Have I got to say something that "reticule" suggests?
+
+_M. C._ That's the idea--yes.
+
+_A Player._ Say "vanity-bag."
+
+_Another Player._ Say "powder-puff."
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_M. C._ Please, please--either the game is worth playing or it isn't.
+If it is worth playing it is worth playing seriously, and then you can
+get some very funny effects--it's a psychological exhibition; but if
+other players talk at the same time and try to help it's useless. Now,
+next player, please. The word is "reticule."
+
+_Fourth Player_ (_after a long silence_). "Bond Street."
+
+_Fifth Player._ Ah, "Bond Street"! That's better. That suggests
+heaps of things. Which shall I choose? "Chocolates"? No. "Furs"? No.
+"Diamonds"? No. Oh, yes--"Old Masters."
+
+_M. C._ (_with resignation_). But you know you mustn't select. The whole
+point of the game is that you must say what comes automatically into
+your mind as you hear the word.
+
+_Fifth Player._ I'm sorry. Shall I go back to "diamonds"?
+
+_M. C._ No; you had better stick to "Old Masters."
+
+_Fifth Player._ "Old Masters."
+
+_Sixth Player_ (_deaf_). What did you say--"mustard-plasters"?
+
+_Fifth Player._ No; "Old Masters."
+
+_Sixth Player._ I've heard of new men and old acres, but I've never
+heard of Old Pastures. What are they?
+
+_Fifth Player_ (_shouting_). No, no; "Old Masters." Pictures of the Old
+Masters--RAPHAEL, TITIAN.
+
+_Sixth Player._ Ah, yes! "Old Masters." Well, that suggests to me----
+Yes (_triumphantly_), "the National Gallery."
+
+_Seventh Player_ (_who has been waiting sternly_). "Trafalgar Square."
+
+_Eighth Player_ (_instantly_). "NELSON."
+
+_Ninth Player_ (_even more quickly_). "NELSON KEYS."
+
+_M. C._ (_beaming_). That's better. It's going well now.
+
+_Tenth Player._ "England expects----"
+
+_Ninth Player._ No, you can't say that. I could have said that, but
+you can't.
+
+_Tenth Player._ Why not?
+
+_Ninth Player._ Because "NELSON" is all over and done with. The
+new name is "NELSON KEYS." You ought to have thought of something
+connected with him.
+
+_Tenth Player._ If you'd said "KEYS" I might have done. But you said
+"NELSON KEYS," and the "NELSON" touched a spot. Isn't that right?
+
+_M. C._ Quite right. It's the only way to play. But may I once more
+ask that there should be no talking? We shall never be able to unwind
+if there is. Now, please--"England expects----"
+
+_Eleventh Player._ "Duty."
+
+_Twelfth Player._ "Bore."
+
+_Thirteenth Player._ "The Marne."
+
+(_Cries of astonishment._)
+
+_Various Players._ How can "bore" suggest "the Marne"?
+
+_M. C._ But it did. You mustn't mind.
+
+_Twelfth Player._ How did it? Just for fun I'd like to know.
+
+_Thirteenth Player._ Well, when I was on the Marne I used to see the
+marks on the ground made by them.
+
+_Twelfth Player._ By who?
+
+_Thirteenth Player._ The wild boars.
+
+(_Roars of laughter._)
+
+_Twelfth Player._ But I meant that duty is a bore--b-o-r-e.
+
+_M. C._ (_frantic_). It doesn't matter. It's what you think--not what
+is--in this game. But really we're in such a muddle, wouldn't it be
+better to begin again? You all know the rules now.
+
+_Hostess._ Perhaps "Clumps" might be better, don't you think?
+
+_M. C._ Just as you like. "Clumps," then.
+
+_The Deaf Player._ What is the word now?
+
+_A Player._ We're going to play "Clumps" instead.
+
+_The Deaf Player._ Mumps in bed? I'm sure I don't know what that
+suggests. That's very difficult. But I like this game. It ought to be
+great fun when we unwind.
+
+(_They separate for "Clumps."_)
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Fruiterer._ "ROYALTY 'ISSELF, MADAM, COULDN'T WISH FOR
+A BETTER PINEAPPLE THAN THAT."
+
+_Newly-rich Matron._ "WELL, IF ROYALTY CAN BITE 'EM I S'POSE I CAN.
+I'LL 'AVE IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Headline to an article on ladies' fashions:--
+
+    "STOCKINGS COMING DOWN."
+
+This should make the hosiers pull up their socks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Several reasons, besides the claims of humanity, made the
+    Eugenist favour schemes for abolishing the eugenist."--_Daily
+    Paper._
+
+We are inclined to agree with the Eugenist.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: AT A FAT STOCK SHOW.
+
+"THEY'RE TWO SMART 'OGS, I ADMIT. BUT LOOK AT THE PRICE O'
+FOOD-STUFFS. YOU KNOW YERSELF IT DON'T PAY ANYONE TO FEED THESE
+DAYS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MISPLACED BENEVOLENCE.
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH,--From your earliest years you have preached sound and
+wholesome doctrine on the duty of man to birds and beasts. Indeed,
+I remember your pushing it to extreme lengths in a poem entreating
+people not to mention mint-sauce when conversing with a lamb. Still,
+I wonder whether even you would approve of the title of an article
+in _Nature_ on "The Behaviour of Beetles." Of course I know that
+"behaviour" is a colourless word, still I am rather inclined to doubt
+whether beetles know how to behave at all. I may be prejudiced by my
+own experiences, but they certainly have been unfortunate. They began
+early--at my private school, to be precise. I shall never forget the
+conversation I had, when a new boy, with a sardonic senior who, after
+putting me through the usual catechism, asked me what I was going to
+be. I replied that I had not yet decided, whereupon my tormentor,
+after looking at my feet, which I have never succeeded in growing
+up to, observed, "Well, if I were you, I think I should emigrate to
+Colorado and help to crush the beetle." Later on in life I was the
+victim of a cruel hoax, carried out with triumphant ingenuity by a
+confirmed practical joker, who with the aid of a thread caused what
+appeared to be a gigantic blackbeetle to perform strange and unholy
+evolutions in my sitting-room. Worst of all, I was victimised by the
+presence of a blackbeetle in a plate of clear soup served me at
+my club. I backed my bill, but it was too late, for I am very
+shortsighted.
+
+No, Mr. Punch, I am prepared to discuss the Ethics of Eels, the
+Altruism of Adders, the Piety of Pintails, or even the Benevolence of
+Bluebottles, but (to deviate into doggerel)--
+
+  "Let LANKESTERS, LUBBOCKS and CHEATLES
+    Dilate with a rapturous bliss
+  On the noble behaviour of beetles--
+    _I_ give them a miss."
+
+I am, Mr. Punch, with much respect,
+
+  Yours faithfully,
+  PHILANDER BLAMPHIN.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THREE TRAGEDIES AND A MORAL.
+
+  There was an imperious old Sage
+  Who upheld the dominion of Age,
+    But his son, a grim youth,
+    Red in claw and in tooth,
+  Shut him up in a chloroformed cage.
+
+  There was also a Child full of beans
+  Who bombarded nine great magazines,
+    But not one of the nine
+    Ever published a line,
+  For the Child was not yet in its teens.
+
+  There was thirdly, to round off these rhymes,
+  A Matron who railed at the crimes
+    Of designers of frocks
+    Who in smart fashion "blocks"
+  Left middle-age out of _The Times_.
+
+  The moral--if morals one seeks
+  In an age of sensation and shrieks--
+    Is this: Even still
+    Things are apt to go ill
+  With old, young and middle-aged freaks.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Erudite Contemporaries.
+
+    "The Grecian women were forbidden entrance to the stadium where
+    the [Olympic] games were being held, and any woman found therein
+    was thrown from the Tarpeian rock."
+
+    _Canadian Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The French are thinking of building straw houses to remedy the
+    present housing crisis. The first straw house has already been
+    built at Montargis."--_Evening Paper._
+
+Where, presumably, they are trying it on the well-known local Dog.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Negotiating the intricate traffic of the City was quite easy, the
+    engine being responsive to the slightest touch of the steering
+    wheel. It is just the car for the owner-driver."
+
+    _Financial Paper._
+
+Our chauffeur agrees. He says _he_ wouldn't undertake to drive it down
+the village street, let alone the City.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "IS SINGING ON THE DECLINE?
+      A GREAT TENOR'S ADVICE.
+  'NEVER FIGHT AGAINST THE BRASS.'"
+
+_Morning Paper._
+
+
+It is, we believe, the experience of most impresarios that great
+tenors almost invariably fight _for_ the brass.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "QUICK, MUMMIE! COME AND HELP BOBBIE--HE'S FALLEN INTO
+THE LUCKY DIP."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+So charged is it with liable-to-go-off controversy that I should
+hardly have been astonished to see Mr. H. G. WELLS'S latest volume,
+_Russia in the Shadows_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), embellished with
+the red label of "Explosives." Probably everyone knows by now the
+circumstances of its origin, and how Mr. WELLS and his son are (for
+the moment) the rearguard in that long procession of unprejudiced
+and undeceivable observers who have essayed to pluck the truth about
+Russia from the bottom of the Bolshevist pit. What Mr. WELLS found is
+much what was to be expected: red ruin, want and misery unspeakable.
+The difference between his report and those of most of his forerunners
+is that, being (as one is apt to forget) a highly-trained writer, he
+is able to present it with a technical skill that enormously helps
+the effect. Our author having been unable to deny the shadow, like
+everyone else save perhaps the preposterous Mr. LANSBURY, the only
+outstanding question is who casts it. The ordinary man would probably
+have little hesitation about his answer to that. Mr. WELLS has even
+less. He unhesitatingly names you and me and the French investors and
+several editors. Well, I have no space for more than an indication of
+what you will find in this undeniably vigorous and vehement little
+volume. But I must not forget the photographs. Some of these, of
+devastated streets and the like, have rather lost their novelty.
+Unfortunately, however, for Mr. WELLS as propagandist he has also
+included a number of the most revealing portraits yet available of the
+men who are hag-riding a once great nation to the abyss. I can only
+say that for me those portraits put the finishing touch to Mr. WELLS'S
+argument. They extinguish it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The pictorial wrapper of _A Man of the Islands_ (HUTCHINSON) is
+embellished with a drawing of a coffee-coloured lady in a costume that
+it would be an under-statement to call curtailed, also (inset, as the
+picture-papers say) the portrait of a respectable-looking gentleman in
+a beard. In the printed synopsis that occupies the little tuck-in
+part of the same wrapper you are promised "an entrancing picture
+of breaking seas on lonely islands and tropical nights beneath the
+palms." In other words Mr. H. DE VERE STACPOOLE as before. Lest
+however you should suppose the insularity of this attractive
+pen-artist to be in danger of becoming overdone, I will say at once
+that the six tales from which the book takes its name occupy not much
+more than a third of it, the rest being filled with stories of varied
+setting bearing such titles as "The Queen's Necklace," "The Box of
+Bonbons," and the like--all frankly to be grouped under the head of
+"Financial Measures." This said, it is only fair to add that the
+half-dozen _Sigurdson_ adventures--he was the Man of the Islands, a
+bearded trader, murderer, pearl thief and what not--seem to me a group
+of as rattling good yarns as of their kind one need wish to meet,
+every one with some original and thrilling situation that lifts it far
+above pot-boiling status. I could wish (despite anything above having
+a contrary sound) that Mr. STACPOOLE had given us a whole volume with
+that South Sea setting that so happily stimulates his fancy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Mr. S. P. B. MAIS has not yet extricated himself from the groove into
+which he has fallen. It is not a wholesome groove, and even if it were
+I should not wish an author of his capacity to remain a perpetual
+tenant of it. In _Colour Blind_ (GRANT RICHARDS) we are given the
+promiscuous amours of a schoolmaster, a subject which has apparently a
+peculiar attraction for Mr. MAIS. _Jimmy Penruddocke_, who tells the
+story, left the Army and could not find a job until he was offered a
+mastership at a public school. The school rather than _Jimmy_ has
+my sympathies. There was nothing peculiarly alluring about this
+philanderer to account for the devastating magnetism which he exerted
+upon the female heart. To describe all this orgy of caresses could
+hardly have been worth anyone's time and trouble; certainly it was
+not worth Mr. MAIS'S. I say this with all the more assurance because,
+greatly as I dislike the main theme of this novel, there are many good
+things in it. There is, for example, _Mark Champernowne_ (_Jimmy's_
+friend), a finely and consistently drawn character, and there are
+descriptive passages which are vividly beautiful and also some
+delightful gleams of humour. I think that when Mr. MAIS'S sense of
+humour has developed further he will agree with me that a man who
+loved as promiscuously as _Jimmy_ and then wrote over three hundred
+pages about it could, without much straining of the truth, be called a
+cad.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+For many reasons I could wish that England were China. It would be
+nice, for instance, to address the HOME SECRETARY as "Redoubtable
+Hunter of Criminals" and to call the Board of Exterior Affairs (if we
+had one) "Wai-wo-poo." I should like my house also to be named "The
+Palace of the Hundred Flowers." I think there are about a hundred,
+though I have not counted them. But in China it is above all things
+necessary to be an ancestor, and this may lead to complications if Mr.
+G. S. DE MORANT, who appears to be much more at home with the French
+and the Oriental idiom than the English, is to be trusted. _In the
+Claws of the Dragon_ (ALLEN AND UNWIN) describes the experiences of a
+young lady named _Monique_, who married the Secretary to the Chinese
+Embassy in Paris and was obliged, after visiting her relations-in-law,
+to reconcile herself to the introduction of a second wife into the
+family, in order that their notions of propriety might be respected
+and an heir born to the line. When she had consented she returned to
+Paris and wrote the following cablegram from her own mother's house:
+"You have acted as a good son and a faithful husband. Bring back with
+you the mother of our (_sic_) child." And so, the author evidently
+feels, it all ended happily. His book is an interesting and amusing
+presentment of an older civilisation, but if it won't strain the
+_Entente_ I am bound to say that I disagree with his conclusions.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I fear it may sound an unkindly criticism, but my abiding trouble with
+_Broken Colour_ (LANE) was an inability to get any of the characters,
+with perhaps one exception, to come alive or behave otherwise than as
+parts of a thoroughly nice-mannered and unsensational story. Perhaps
+it was my own fault. Mr. HAROLD OHLSON (whose previous book I liked)
+has obviously, perhaps a little too obviously, done his best for these
+people. It is a tale of two rivalries: that for the heroine, between
+the penniless artist-hero and a pound-full other; and that in the
+breast of the p.a.h., between the flesh-pots of commerce and the
+world-well-lost-for-Chelsea. It is typical of Mr. OHLSON'S care that,
+though one would in such a situation nine times out of ten be safe
+in backing Art for the double event, he makes so even a match of it
+between _Hubert_ and _Ralph_ that he leaves the heroine ringing the
+door-bell of the one immediately after kissing the other. You observe
+that I was perhaps really more interested in the contest than
+my opening words would suggest, but it was always in a detached
+story-book way; except in the case of a mildly unsympathetic
+secretary, represented as having spent too much time in the
+contemplation of other persons' affluence, also as owning an
+expensive-looking stick that made him long to be as rich as it caused
+him to appear. I hate to think that there can have been anything here
+to touch a chord in the reviewing breast, but the fact remains that
+_Mr. Burnham_ stands out for me as the only genuinely human figure in
+the book.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Blessed, no doubt, is the nation or the man without a history, but
+blessed too is the biographer who has something definite to write
+about. Mr. C. CARLISLE TAYLOR, in putting together his _Life of
+Admiral Mahan_ (MURRAY), the American naval philosopher and prophet,
+must have felt this keenly, for rarely can a man whose work was so
+important that he simply had to have a biography have done so few
+things of the kind that help to fill up a book. The Admiral not only
+foresaw the great War before 1914; he even suggested definite details
+of it--for instance, the loyalty of Italy to Western civilisation and
+the final surrender of the German fleet; yet in himself, though the
+writer draws an attractive picture of his home and religious life,
+he was only a kindly Christian gentleman who lectured to a few naval
+students. This is not the stuff to turn into a thrilling life-story,
+yet his studies on _Sea-Power_ in relation to national greatness must
+certainly be reckoned among the prime causes of world-war. They set
+the Germans trying to outbuild the British fleet; more fortunately
+they were an inspiration to naval enthusiasts in this country also.
+Mr. TAYLOR has a pleasant chapter describing the immediate recognition
+and welcome his hero received in England, while it has taken quite a
+number of chapters to do justice to all the written tributes to his
+genius that the energetic author has collected. Personally, if ever I
+had been in doubt about it, I should have been quite willing to take
+that genius for granted some time before the end, and could indeed
+recommend the volume much more happily if it were reduced by about
+half. It will be valuable mainly as a necessary work of reference.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Artist_ (_condescendingly_). "I DID THIS LAST SUMMER.
+IT REALLY ISN'T MUCH GOOD."
+
+_Candid Friend._ "NO, IT CERTAINLY ISN'T. BUT WHO TOLD YOU?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Our Well-Informed Press.
+
+    "At Kensington Palace the ground frost registered 9 deg. Fahr.,
+    which represents 23 degrees below zero."--_Evening Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WELLS HITS BACK AT CHURCHILL."--_Sunday Paper._
+
+Not the Bombardier, as you might think, but BERT WELLS.
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's notes:
+
+   Page 481: Tristan d'Acunha--this spelling also appears in the
+   previous issue of 'Punch'.
+
+   Page 488: Single quote corrected to double quote.
+
+   Page 493: Replaced missing double quote.
+
+   Page 494: Replaced missing opening quote.
+
+   Page 498: Removed extraneous closing quote.
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+159, DECEMBER 22, 1920***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 19350.txt or 19350.zip *******
+
+
+This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/5/19350
+
+
+
+Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions
+will be renamed.
+
+Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no
+one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation
+(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without
+permission and without paying copyright royalties.  Special rules,
+set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to
+copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to
+protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark.  Project
+Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you
+charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission.  If you
+do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the
+rules is very easy.  You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose
+such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and
+research.  They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do
+practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks.  Redistribution is
+subject to the trademark license, especially commercial
+redistribution.
+
+
+
+*** START: FULL LICENSE ***
+
+THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE
+PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK
+
+To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free
+distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work
+(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at
+https://www.gutenberg.org/license).
+
+
+Section 1.  General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic works
+
+1.A.  By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to
+and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property
+(trademark/copyright) agreement.  If you do not agree to abide by all
+the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy
+all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession.
+If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the
+terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or
+entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8.
+
+1.B.  "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark.  It may only be
+used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who
+agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement.  There are a few
+things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works
+even without complying with the full terms of this agreement.  See
+paragraph 1.C below.  There are a lot of things you can do with Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement
+and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.  See paragraph 1.E below.
+
+1.C.  The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation"
+or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic works.  Nearly all the individual works in the
+collection are in the public domain in the United States.  If an
+individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are
+located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from
+copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative
+works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg
+are removed.  Of course, we hope that you will support the Project
+Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by
+freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of
+this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with
+the work.  You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by
+keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project
+Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others.
+
+1.D.  The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern
+what you can do with this work.  Copyright laws in most countries are in
+a constant state of change.  If you are outside the United States, check
+the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement
+before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or
+creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project
+Gutenberg-tm work.  The Foundation makes no representations concerning
+the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United
+States.
+
+1.E.  Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg:
+
+1.E.1.  The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate
+access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently
+whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the
+phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project
+Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed,
+copied or distributed:
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+1.E.2.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived
+from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is
+posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied
+and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees
+or charges.  If you are redistributing or providing access to a work
+with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the
+work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1
+through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the
+Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or
+1.E.9.
+
+1.E.3.  If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted
+with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution
+must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional
+terms imposed by the copyright holder.  Additional terms will be linked
+to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the
+permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work.
+
+1.E.4.  Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this
+work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm.
+
+1.E.5.  Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this
+electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without
+prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with
+active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm License.
+
+1.E.6.  You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary,
+compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any
+word processing or hypertext form.  However, if you provide access to or
+distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than
+"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version
+posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org),
+you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a
+copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon
+request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other
+form.  Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1.
+
+1.E.7.  Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying,
+performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works
+unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9.
+
+1.E.8.  You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing
+access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided
+that
+
+- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from
+     the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method
+     you already use to calculate your applicable taxes.  The fee is
+     owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he
+     has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the
+     Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation.  Royalty payments
+     must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you
+     prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax
+     returns.  Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and
+     sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the
+     address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to
+     the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation."
+
+- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies
+     you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he
+     does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm
+     License.  You must require such a user to return or
+     destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium
+     and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of
+     Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any
+     money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the
+     electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days
+     of receipt of the work.
+
+- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free
+     distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works.
+
+1.E.9.  If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm
+electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set
+forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from
+both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael
+Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark.  Contact the
+Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below.
+
+1.F.
+
+1.F.1.  Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable
+effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread
+public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm
+collection.  Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain
+"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or
+corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual
+property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a
+computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by
+your equipment.
+
+1.F.2.  LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right
+of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project
+Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project
+Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all
+liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal
+fees.  YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT
+LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE
+PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3.  YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE
+TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE
+LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR
+INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH
+DAMAGE.
+
+1.F.3.  LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a
+defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can
+receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a
+written explanation to the person you received the work from.  If you
+received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with
+your written explanation.  The person or entity that provided you with
+the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a
+refund.  If you received the work electronically, the person or entity
+providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to
+receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund.  If the second copy
+is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further
+opportunities to fix the problem.
+
+1.F.4.  Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth
+in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER
+WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO
+WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE.
+
+1.F.5.  Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied
+warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages.
+If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the
+law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be
+interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by
+the applicable state law.  The invalidity or unenforceability of any
+provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions.
+
+1.F.6.  INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the
+trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone
+providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance
+with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production,
+promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works,
+harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees,
+that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do
+or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm
+work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any
+Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause.
+
+
+Section  2.  Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of
+electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers
+including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers.  It exists
+because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from
+people in all walks of life.
+
+Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the
+assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's
+goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will
+remain freely available for generations to come.  In 2001, the Project
+Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure
+and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations.
+To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation
+and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4
+and the Foundation web page at https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/pglaf.
+
+
+Section 3.  Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive
+Foundation
+
+The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit
+501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the
+state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal
+Revenue Service.  The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification
+number is 64-6221541.  Contributions to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent
+permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws.
+
+The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S.
+Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered
+throughout numerous locations.  Its business office is located at
+809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email
+business@pglaf.org.  Email contact links and up to date contact
+information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official
+page at https://www.gutenberg.org/about/contact
+
+For additional contact information:
+     Dr. Gregory B. Newby
+     Chief Executive and Director
+     gbnewby@pglaf.org
+
+Section 4.  Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg
+Literary Archive Foundation
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide
+spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of
+increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be
+freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest
+array of equipment including outdated equipment.  Many small donations
+($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt
+status with the IRS.
+
+The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating
+charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United
+States.  Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a
+considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up
+with these requirements.  We do not solicit donations in locations
+where we have not received written confirmation of compliance.  To
+SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any
+particular state visit https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we
+have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition
+against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who
+approach us with offers to donate.
+
+International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make
+any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from
+outside the United States.  U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff.
+
+Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation
+methods and addresses.  Donations are accepted in a number of other
+ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations.
+To donate, please visit:
+https://www.gutenberg.org/fundraising/donate
+
+
+Section 5.  General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic
+works.
+
+Professor Michael S. Hart was the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm
+concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared
+with anyone.  For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project
+Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support.
+
+Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed
+editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S.
+unless a copyright notice is included.  Thus, we do not necessarily
+keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition.
+
+Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility:
+
+     https://www.gutenberg.org
+
+This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm,
+including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary
+Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to
+subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks.
+
diff --git a/19350.zip b/19350.zip
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..4f0ddad
--- /dev/null
+++ b/19350.zip
diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..6312041
--- /dev/null
+++ b/LICENSE.txt
@@ -0,0 +1,11 @@
+This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements,
+metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be
+in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES.
+
+Procedures for determining public domain status are described in
+the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org.
+
+No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in
+jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize
+this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright
+status under the laws that apply to them.
diff --git a/README.md b/README.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..789cb69
--- /dev/null
+++ b/README.md
@@ -0,0 +1,2 @@
+Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for
+eBook #19350 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/19350)