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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 17, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2006 [EBook #19349]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+November 17th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It is rumoured that a gentleman who purchased a miniature two-seater
+car at the Motor Show last week arrived home one night to find the cat
+playing with it on the mat.
+
+       * * *
+
+It appears that nothing definite has yet been decided as to whether
+_The Daily Mail_ will publish a Continental edition of the Sandringham
+Hat.
+
+       * * *
+
+The matter having passed out of the hands of D.O.R.A., the Westminster
+City Council recommend the abolition of the practice of whistling for
+cabs at night. Nothing is said about the custom of making a noise like
+a five-shilling tip.
+
+       * * *
+
+We shall not be surprised if Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN becomes the
+Viceroy of India, says a gossip-writer. We warn our contemporary
+against being elated, for it is almost certain that another Chancellor
+of the Exchequer would be appointed in his place.
+
+       * * *
+
+During the Lord Mayor's Show last week we understand that the LORD
+MAYOR'S coachman was accompanied by the LORD MAYOR.
+
+       * * *
+
+The licensee of a West Ham public-house has just purchased a parrot
+which is trained to imitate the bagpipes. The bird's life will of
+course be insured.
+
+       * * *
+
+Ireland will have to be careful or she will be made safe for
+democracy, like the other countries.
+
+       * * *
+
+Upon hearing that Mr. WILLIAM BRACE had accepted a Government
+appointment several members of the Labour Party said that this only
+confirmed their contention that his moustache would get him into
+trouble one day.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mrs. STACKPOOL O'DELL warns girls against marrying a man whose head
+is flat at the back. The best course is to get one with a round head;
+after marriage it can be flattened to taste.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man who persistently refused to give any information about himself
+was remanded at the Guildhall last week. He is thought to be a British
+taxpayer going about _incognito_.
+
+       * * *
+
+The cackle of a hen when she lays an egg, says a scientist, is akin to
+laughter. And with some of the eggs we have met we can easily guess
+what the hen was laughing at.
+
+       * * *
+
+The National Collection of Microbes at the Lister Institute now
+contains eight hundred different specimens. Visitors are requested not
+to tease the germs or go too near their cages.
+
+       * * *
+
+A large spot on the sun has been seen by the meteorological experts
+at Greenwich Observatory. We understand that it will be allowed to
+remain.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. RAYMOND FORSDIK, of Chicago, states that twelve times more murders
+are committed in Chicago than in London. But, under Prohibition, Satan
+is bound to find mischief for idle hands.
+
+       * * *
+
+Canon F. J. Meyrick, of Norwich, is reported to have caught a pike
+weighing twenty-five pounds. In view of the angler's profession we
+suppose we must believe this one.
+
+       * * *
+
+A curate of Bedford Park has had his bicycle stolen from the church,
+and as there were a number of people in the congregation it is
+difficult to know whom to blame.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Shall Onkie Live?" asks a _Daily Mail_ headline. We don't know who he
+is, but he certainly has our permission. We cannot, however, answer
+for Mr. BOB WILLIAMS.
+
+       * * *
+
+With reference to the complaint that a City man made about his
+telephone, we are pleased to say that a great improvement is reported.
+The instrument was taken away the other day.
+
+       * * *
+
+Discussing the remuneration of Cabinet Ministers a contemporary doubts
+whether they get what they deserve. This only goes to prove that we
+are a humane race.
+
+       * * *
+
+Hatters say that the price of rabbit skins is likely to ruin the
+trade. Meanwhile the mere act of getting the skins is apt to ruin the
+rabbit.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Mine," says General TOWNSHEND, "was a mission which NAPOLEON would
+have refused." We doubt, however, if Lord NORTHCLIFFE is to be drawn
+like that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. E. HALFORD ROSS, of Piccadilly, is of the opinion that coal
+contains remarkable healing powers. Quite a number of people
+contemplate buying some of the stuff.
+
+       * * *
+
+"What does milk usually contain?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say
+it wouldn't be fair for us to reply, as we know the answer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy at Tailor's (to father, who seems to be
+impressed with "Jazz" tweed_). "I SAY, DAD, GO SLOW. REMEMBER WHO'S
+GOT TO WEAR IT AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED WITH IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=An Indomitable Spirit.=
+
+    "Mr. ----'s tank held only ---- Spirit during the whole climb and
+    not satisfied with climbing _up_ Snowdon Mr. ---- then drove down
+    again." _Motoring Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHY I DIDN'T GO TO THE BAR. By Horatio Bottomley." "_John Bull_"
+    _Poster_.
+
+Perhaps it was after hours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This upset Mr. Chesterton, a patriotic, beer-eating
+    Englishman."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We deplore the modern tendency to pry into the details of an author's
+dietary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "What the word 'Democracy' was intended to mean was that every
+    man should have to betrTcOshrdluesthafaodfabadofgarfaf." _Local
+    Paper_.
+
+We have long suspected this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MILWAUKEE.--Fourteen cases of whiskey, a large quantity of
+    brandies, gin and wines were found stored in a bathhouse. It will
+    be presented to the federal grand jury for action." _Canadian
+    Paper_.
+
+Not the obvious form of "direct action," we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=HOW TO VITALISE THE DRAMA.=
+
+_A hint of what might be done by following the example of the Press_.
+
+    ["More than one actor-manager during the past few months has been
+    searching round frantically in his efforts to find a new play."
+    _The Times_.]
+
+  Oh, have you marked upon the breeze
+  The wail of hunger which occurs
+  When starved theatrical lessees
+  Commune with hollow managers?
+  "Where is Dramatic Art?" they say;
+  "Can no one, _no one_, write a play?"
+
+  I cannot think why this should be,
+  This bitter plaint of sudden dearth;
+  To write a play would seem to me
+  Almost the easiest thing on earth.
+  Sometimes I feel that even I
+  Could do it if I chose to try.
+
+  What! can this Art be in its grave
+  Whose form was lately so rotund,
+  Whose strength was as a bull's and gave
+  No sign of being moribund?
+  I'm sure my facts are right, or how
+  Do you account for _Chu Chin Chow_?
+
+  As for the gods, their judgment shows
+  No loss of _flair_ for grace or wit;
+  We see the comic's ruby nose
+  Reduce to pulp the nightly pit,
+  Whose patrons, sound in head and heart,
+  Still love the loftiest type of Art.
+
+  Nor should the playwright fail for lack
+  Of matter, if with curious eyes
+  He follows in our Pressmen's track,
+  Who find the source of their supplies
+  In Life, that ever-flowing font,
+  And "give the public what they want."
+
+  If authors, moving with the times,
+  Would only feed us, like the Press,
+  On squalid "mysteries," ugly crimes,
+  Scandals and all that carrion mess,
+  I see no solid reason why
+  Dramatic Art should ever die.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.=
+
+II.--MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL.
+
+If it be urged that a few trifling inaccuracies have crept into the
+sketch which is here given of a great statesman's personality I can
+only say, "_Humanum est errare_," and "_Homo sum: humani nihil alienum
+a me puto_." These two Latin sentences, I find, invariably soothe all
+angry passions; you have only to try their effect the next time you
+stamp on the foot of a stout man when alighting from an Underground
+train.
+
+Of all the present-day politicians, and indeed there are not a few,
+upon whose mantelpieces the bust of NAPOLEON BONAPARTE is displayed,
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is probably the most assiduous worshipper at the
+great Corsican's shrine. How often has he not entered his sanctum at
+the War Office, peering forward with that purposeful dominating look
+on his face, and discovered a few specks of dust upon his favourite
+effigy. With a quick characteristic motion of the thumb resembling a
+stab he rings the bell. A flunkey instantly appears. "Bust that dust,"
+says the WAR MINISTER. And then, correcting himself instantly, with a
+genial smile, "I should say, Dust that bust."
+
+But NAPOLEON'S is not the only head that adorns Mr. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL'S room. On a bookshelf opposite is a model of his own head,
+such as one may sometimes see in the shop windows of hatters, and
+close beside is a small private hat-making plant, together with an
+adequate supply of the hair of the rabbit, the beaver, the vicuna and
+similar rodents, and a quantity of shellac. Few days pass in which the
+WAR MINISTER does not spend an hour or two at his charming hobby, for,
+contrary to the general opinion, he is far from satisfied with the
+headgear by which he is so well known, or even with the Sandringham
+hat of _The Daily Mail_, and lives always in hopes of modelling the
+ideal hat which is destined to immortalise him and be worn by others
+for centuries to come. The work of a great statesman lives frequently
+in the mindful brain of posterity, less frequently upon it.
+
+Other mementos which adorn this remarkable room at the War Office are
+a porcelain pot containing a preserve of Blenheim oranges, a framed
+photograph of the Free Trade Hall at Manchester, a map of Mesopotamia
+with the outpost lines and sentry groups of the original Garden of
+Eden, marked by paper flags, and a number of lion-skin rugs of which
+the original occupants were stalked and killed by their owner on his
+famous African tour. In his more playful moments the WAR MINISTER has
+been known to clothe himself completely in one of these skins and
+growl ferociously from behind a palm at an unwelcome intruder.
+
+Of the man himself perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic is
+dynamic energy. Whether other people's energy is ever dynamic I do not
+know, but undoubtedly Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S is; he dominates, he
+quells. He is like one of those people in the papers with zig-zags
+sticking out all over them because they have been careful to wear an
+electric belt. He exudes force. Sometimes one can almost hear him
+crackle.
+
+As a politician it is true he has not yet tried every office; he
+has not, for instance, been Chancellor of the Exchequer, though his
+unbounded success in the Duchy of Lancaster amply shows what his
+capabilities as a Chancellor are. But as a soldier, a pig-sticker and
+a polo-player he is rapidly gaining pre-eminence, and as an author and
+journalist his voice is already like a swan's amongst screech-owls.
+(I admit that that last bit ought to have been in Latin, but I cannot
+remember what the Latin for a screech-owl is. I have an idea that it
+increases in the genitive, but quite possibly I may be thinking of
+dormice.)
+
+Anyhow, to return to Mr. CHURCHILL'S room: whilst the floor is
+littered with volumes that have been sent to him for review, his
+desk is equally littered with proofs of essays, sermons, leaders and
+leaderettes for the secular and Sunday Press. As a novelist he has
+scarcely fulfilled his early promise, but it is on record that he
+was once introduced to a stranger from the backwoods, who asked
+ignorantly, "Am I speaking to the statesman or the author?"
+
+"Not _or_, but _and_," replied the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR, with a
+simple dignity like that of ST. AUGUSTINE.
+
+To poetry he is not greatly attached, preferring to leave this field
+of letters to his staff. When asked for his favourite passage of
+English verse he has indeed been known to cite a single line from Mr.
+HILAIRE BELLOC'S _Modern Traveller_--
+
+  "That marsh, that admirable marsh!"
+
+which is far from being Mr. BELLOC'S most mellifluous effort.
+
+We feel bound to ask what is most likely to be the next outlet for
+Mr. CHURCHILL'S ebullient activity. Remembering that bust upon his
+mantelpiece it is hard to say. There are some who consider that,
+prevented by the sluggishness of our times from the chance of
+commanding an army in the field, he may turn his strategic mind at
+last to the position of Postmaster-General. If he does there can be no
+man better fitted than he to make our telephones hum.
+
+K.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A.--Comme vous voudrai.--P."
+
+    _Agony Column in Daily Paper_.
+
+Taking advantage of "P.'s" kindness we may say that we prefer
+"_voudrez_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A TRUE FISHING STORY.
+
+    Lady ---- is surprising everyone with her skill as an angler and a
+    shot. Last Friday, I am told, she caught two trout weighing 2-3/4
+    lb. and 3-1/4 lb. And on the same afternoon she got a right and a
+    left hit at a roebuck with a small four-bore gun!"--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Not caring to believe that she mistook a roebuck for an elephant,
+we are glad to note that the epithet "true" is only applied to the
+"fishing" part of the story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =THE ABYSMALISTS.=
+
+BRITISH EXTREMIST. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?"
+
+VOICE OF RUSSIAN BOLSHEVIST FROM BELOW. "DIGGING A GRAVE FOR THE
+BOURGEOISIE."
+
+BRITISH EXTREMIST. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO; BUT HOW DO YOU GET OUT?"
+
+VOICE FROM BELOW. "YOU DON'T."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _French Visitor_ (_inspecting artificial silk
+stockings_). "SOIE?"
+
+_Shopman_ (_formerly of the B.E.F., resourcefully_). "WELL, SCARCELY,
+MADAM; SHALL WE SAY 'SOI-DISANT'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTEMPORARY FOLK-SONGS.
+
+"THE GRAVE OF THE BOORZH-WAW-ZE."
+
+    [The following folk-song is believed to be a local (and adult)
+    version of the ballad which, according to _The Times_, is now
+    being sung by Communist children in the Glasgow Proletarian
+    Schools, with the refrain:--
+
+      "Class-conscious we are singing,
+        Class-conscious all are we,
+      For Labour now is digging
+        The grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze."
+
+The metre is a bit jumpy, and so are the ideas, but you know what
+folk-songs are.]
+
+  Look, we are digging a large round hole,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  To put the abominable tyrant in--
+  The Minister, the Master, the Mandarin;
+  And never a bloom above shall blow
+  But scarlet-runners in a row to show
+    _That this is the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Who do we put in the large round hole,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee?_
+  The blackcoat, the parasite, the keeper of the laws,
+  Who works with his head instead of with his paws;
+  The doctor, the parson, the pressman, the mayor,
+  The poet and the barrister, they'll all be there,
+    _Snug in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Dig, dig, dig, it will have to be big,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  One great cavity, and then one more
+  For the bones of the SECRET'RY OF STATE FOR WAR;
+  The editor, the clerk and, of course, old THOMAS,
+  We wring their necks and we fling them from us
+    _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Peace and Brotherhood, that's our line,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  But nobody, of course, can co-exist
+  In the same small planet with a Communist;
+  Man is a brotherhood, that we know,
+  And the whole damn family has got to go
+    _Plomp in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Too many people are alive to-day,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  Red already is the Red, Red Sea
+  With the blood of the brutal Boorzh-waw-ze,
+  And that's what the rest of the globe will be--
+        _Believe me!_
+  We'll stand at last with the Red Flag furled*
+  In a perfectly void vermilion world
+  With the citizens (if any) who have _not_ been hurled
+  _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+    With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i ... Honk, honk!_
+
+A. P. H.
+
+    [* NOTE.--In the Somerset version the word is
+    "_un_furled," which makes better sense but scans even worse
+    than the rest of the song. I have therefore followed the
+    Gloucestershire tradition.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOURCES OF LAUGHTER.
+
+"It will have to be a great deal funnier than that before it's funny,"
+said George.
+
+This represented the general opinion, though Edna, who has a good
+heart, professed to find it diverting already. Unfortunately she has
+no sense of humour.
+
+Jerry, the writer, claimed exemption on the ground of being the
+writer, though he did not see why his article should not remove
+gravity (as they say in _The Wallet of Kai Lung_) from other people
+quite as effectually as the silly tosh of A. and B. and C., naming
+some brilliant and successful humorists.
+
+The company then resolved itself into a Voluntary Aid Detachment.
+
+When they met again at tea Edna made the suggestion of a sprinkling of
+puns.
+
+"We've got rather beyond that, I think," said the victim with dignity.
+
+"I'm not so sure," said George cruelly, "that you can afford to
+neglect any means. Some people laugh at them even now, in this
+twentieth century, in this beautiful England of ours."
+
+"And I can tell you why," broke in Raymond eagerly. He took from his
+pocket a well-known Manual of Psychology and whirled over the pages.
+
+"Meanwhile," said George learnedly, "BERGSON may be of some assistance
+to you. He knows all about laughter. He analysed it."
+
+"Why couldn't he leave it alone?" said Allegra uneasily.
+
+"He defines laughter," said George, "as 'a kind of social gesture.'"
+
+"It isn't," said Allegra rashly. "At least," she added, "that sort of
+thing isn't going to help Jerry. Do give it up."
+
+"Well, then, here's something more practical," said George. "Listen.
+'A situation is always comical when it belongs at one and the same
+time to two series of absolutely independent events, and can at the
+same time be interpreted in two different ways.'"
+
+"I should think," said Edna brightly, "that might be very amusing."
+
+She remarked later that it made it all seem very clear, but even she
+showed signs of relief when Raymond interrupted, having found his
+place.
+
+"Here we are!" he exclaimed. "The book says that the reason a pun
+amuses you----"
+
+"It doesn't amuse me," said most of the company.
+
+"But it does--it must amuse you. It's all down here in black and
+white. Listen. The reason a pun amuses you is as follows: 'It impels
+the mind to identify objects quite disconnected. This obstructs the
+flow of thought; but this is too transient to give rise to pain, and
+the relief which comes with insight into the true state of the case
+may be a source of keen pleasure. Mental activity suddenly obstructed
+and so heightened is at once set free, and is so much greater than the
+occasion demands that----'"
+
+"And is that why we laugh at things?" said Allegra sadly.
+
+The heavy silence which followed was broken by the voice of Mrs.
+Purkis, the charlady, who "comes in to oblige," and was now taking
+a short cut to the front gate, under Cook's escort, by way of the
+parsley bed. This brought her within earshot of the party, who were
+taking tea on the lawn.
+
+When Mrs. Purkis could contain her mirth so as to make herself
+understood, her words were these: "I dunno why, but when I see
+'im stand like that, staring like a stuck pig, I thought I'd died
+a-larf'n. I dunno why, but it made me _larf_----"
+
+She passed, like _Pippa_.
+
+"Listen to her," said Allegra in bitter envy. "_She doesn't know
+why._"
+
+And Allegra burst into tears.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Fisherman._ "I SUPPOSE THIS RAIN WILL DO A LOT OF
+GOOD, PAT?"
+
+_Pat._ "YE MAY WELL SAY THAT, SORR. AN HOUR OF UT NOW WILL DO MORE
+GOOD IN FIVE MINUTES THAN A MONTH OF UT WOULD DO IN A WEEK AT ANNY
+OTHER TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What's in a Name?
+
+    "'A Recital' will be given by Miss H. E. Stutter (the well-known
+    Elocutionist)."
+
+    _Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BLOATER SHOW.
+
+The last time I was at Olympia--as everybody says at the door--it was
+a Horse Show. But this time it is much the same. There they stand in
+their stalls, the dear, magnificent, patient creatures, with their
+glossy coats and their beautiful curves, their sensitive radiators
+sniffing for something over the velvet ropes. Panting, I know they
+are, to be out in the open again; and yet I fancy they enjoy it all
+in a way. It would be ungrateful if they did not; for, after all, the
+whole thing has been arranged for them. The whole idea of the Show is
+to let the motors inspect the bloaters--and not what you think. (You
+don't know what bloaters are? Well, I can't explain without being
+rude.)
+
+All the year round they can study _ad nauseam_ their own individual
+bloaters; but this is the only occasion on which they have the whole
+world of bloaters paraded in front of them for inspection. Now only
+can they compare notes and exchange grievances.
+
+And how closely they study the parade! Here is a pretty limousine, a
+blonde; see how she watches the two huge exhibits in front of her.
+They are very new bloaters, and one of them--oh, horror!--one of them
+is going to buy. He has never bought before; she knows his sort. He
+will drive her to death; he may even drive her himself; he will stroke
+her lovely coat in a familiar, proprietary fashion; he will show her
+off unceasingly to other bloaters till she is hot all over and the
+water boils in her radiator. He will hold forth with a horrible
+intimacy and a yet more horrible ignorance on the most private secrets
+of her inner life. Not one throb of her young cylinders will be
+sacred, yet never will he understand her as she would like to be
+understood. He will mess her with his muddy boots; he will scratch her
+paint; he will drop tobacco-ash all over her cushions--not from pipes;
+cigars only....
+
+There--he has bought her. It is a tragedy. Let us move on.
+
+Here is a little _coupé_--a smart young creature with a nice blue
+coat, fond of town, I should say, but quite at home in the country.
+She also is inspecting two bloaters. But these two are very shy. In
+fact they are not really bloaters at all; they are rather a pair of
+nice-mannered fresh herrings, not long mated. The male had something
+to do with that war, I should think; the _coupé_ would help him a good
+deal. The lady likes her because she is dark-blue. The other one likes
+her because of something to do with her works; but he is very reverent
+and tactful about it. He seems to know that he is being scrutinised,
+for he is nervous, and scarcely dares to speak about her to the groom
+in the top-hat. He will drive her himself; he will look after her
+himself; he will know all about her, all about her moods and fancies
+and secret failings; he will humour and coax her, and she will serve
+him very nobly.
+
+Already, you see, they have given her a name--"Jane," I think they
+said; they will creep off into the country with her when the summer
+comes, all by themselves; they will plunge into the middle of thick
+forests and sit down happily in the shade at midday and look at her;
+and she will love them.
+
+But the question is----Ah, they are shaking their heads; they are
+edging away. She is too much. They look back sadly as they go. Another
+tragedy....
+
+Now I am going to be a bloater myself. Here is a jolly one, though her
+stable-name is much too long. She is a Saloon-de-Luxe, and she
+only costs £2,125 (why 5, I wonder--why not 6?) I can run to that,
+_surely_. At any rate I can climb up and sit down on her cushions;
+none of the grooms is looking. Dark-blue, I see, like Jane. That is
+the sort of car I love. I am like the lady herring; I don't approve
+of all this talk about the _insides_ of things; it seems to me to be
+rather indecent--unless, of course, you do it very nicely, like that
+young herring. When you go and look at a horse you don't ask how its
+sweetbread is arranged, or what is the principle of its liver. Then
+why should you...?
+
+Well, here we are, and very comfortable too. But why does none of
+these cars have any means of communication between the owner and
+the man next to the chauffeur? There is always a telephone to the
+chauffeur, but none to the overflow guest on the box. So that when the
+host sees an old manor-house which he thinks the guest hasn't noticed
+he has to hammer on the glass and do semaphore; and the guest thinks
+he is being asked if he is warm enough.
+
+Otherwise, though, this is a nice car. It is very cosy in here. Dark
+and quiet and warm. I could go to sleep in here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What? What's that? No, I don't really want to buy it, thank you. I
+just wanted to see if it was a good sleeping-car. As a matter of fact
+I think it is. But I don't like the colour. And what I really want is
+a _cabriolet_. Good afternoon. Thank you....
+
+A pleasant gentleman, that. I wish I could have bought the Saloon. She
+would have liked me. So would he, I expect.
+
+Well, we had better go home. I shan't buy any more cars to-day. And
+we won't go up to the gallery; there is nothing but oleo-plugs and
+graphite-grease up there. That sort of thing spoils the romance.
+
+Ah, here is dear Jane again! What a pity it was---- Hallo, they have
+come back--the two nice herrings. They are bargaining--they are
+beating him down. No, he is beating them up. Go on--go on. Yes, you
+can run to that--_of course_ you can. Sell those oil shares. Look at
+her--_look_ at her! You can't leave her here for one of the bloaters.
+He wavers; he consults. "Such a lovely colour." Ah, that's done it! He
+has decided. He has bought. She has bought. They have bought. Hurrah!
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PREMIER'S METAPHORS.
+
+Some time ago the PREMIER beheld the sunrise upon the mountains, and
+now he has plunged his thermometer into the lava to discover that the
+stream is cooling--indicating comfort, let us hope, to any who may be
+buried beneath it. Only by an oversight, we understand, did he omit to
+mention in his speech at the Guildhall that the chamois is once more
+browsing happily among the blooming edelweiss.
+
+But in continuing his lofty metaphors Mr. LLOYD GEORGE will find
+himself confronted by no small difficulty when dealing with the
+glacier. What can he say that the glacier is doing? It must do
+something. A glacier is of no rhetorical value if it merely stays
+where it is. One may take in hand the ice-axe of resolution and the
+alpenstock of enterprise and pull over one's boots the socks of
+Coalition, but the glacier remains practically unchanged by these
+preparations. It would be of little use to declare that its uneven
+surface is being levelled by the steam-roller of progress and its
+crevasses filled in by the cement of human kindness, because
+the Opposition Press would soon get scientists, engineers and
+statisticians to establish the absurdity of such a claim. And to
+announce that the glacier is getting warmer would create no end of
+a panic among the homesteads in the valley. Unless he is very, very
+careful Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may make a grave slip in negotiating the
+glacier.
+
+Then the "awful avalanche" has not yet been dealt with. A few helpful
+words on the direction this is likely to take and the safest rock to
+make for when it begins to move might be welcomed by the PREMIER'S
+followers. He may argue that it is folly to meet trouble half-way,
+but on the other hand, if he does not speak on this subject soon, the
+opportunity may disappear. Let him avoid the glacier if he chooses; he
+cannot (so we are informed) escape the avalanche.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =TREATING UNDER PROHIBITION.=
+
+"HELLO, OLD FRIGHT--HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR AGES!"
+
+"WE MUST HAVE ONE." [entering SHIRT MAKER'S Establishment]
+
+"WHAT'S YOURS?" "THINK I'LL HAVE A COLLAR."
+
+"TWO COLLARS, PLEASE--SEVENTEENS." "CHEERIO!"
+
+"NOW YOU MUST HAVE ONE WITH ME. WHAT ABOUT AN EVENING SHIRT?" "NO, NO,
+IT'S TOO EARLY." "THE SAME AGAIN, THEN?" "WELL, PERHAPS A SOFT ONE
+THIS TIME."
+
+"SAME AGAIN, PLEASE--ONLY SOFT."
+
+"BYE-BYE! SEE YOU AGAIN SOON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Magistrate._ "BUT, MR. GOLDSTEIN, WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR
+HOUSE AND YOUR BUSINESS IN YOUR WIFE'S NAME?"
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ "WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT A BEESNESS MAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAYINGS OF BARBARA.
+
+The man who sets out to expose popular fallacies or to confound
+time-honoured legends is bound to make enemies.
+
+The latest legend I have been privileged to explore is not the product
+of superstition and slow time, but a deliberately manufactured growth
+of comparatively recent origin. It is concerned with Barbara, not the
+impersonal lady who figures in the old logic-book doggerel, but an
+extremely live and highly illogical person to whom for half a decade I
+have had the honour to be father. It is also concerned with Barbara's
+Aunt Julia and, in a lesser degree, with Barbara's mother.
+
+From the time (just over three years ago) when Barbara first attempted
+articulate speech I have been bombarded with reports of the wonderful
+things my daughter has said. In the earlier years these diverting
+stories, for which Julia was nearly always cited as authority, reached
+me through the medium of the Field Post-Office, and, being still
+fairly new to fatherhood, I used proudly to retail them in Mess, until
+an addition was made to the rule relating to offences punishable by a
+round of drinks.
+
+On my brief visits home I would wait expectantly for the brilliant
+flashes of humour or of uncanny intelligence to issue from Barbara's
+lips, and her failure during these periods to sustain her reputation
+I was content to explain on the assumption that I came within the
+category of casual visitors. But I have now lived in my own home for
+over a year, and Barbara and I have become very well acquainted. She
+talks to me without restraint, and at times most engagingly, but
+seldom, if ever, does she give utterance in my hearing to a _jeu
+d'esprit_ that I feel called upon to repeat to others. Nevertheless
+until a few days ago I was still constantly being informed--chiefly
+by Barbara's aunt and less frequently by her mother--of the "killing"
+things that child had been saying. I grew privately sceptical, but had
+no proof, and it was only by accident that I was at last enabled to
+prick the bubble.
+
+Julia (who besides being Barbara's aunt is Suzanne's sister) had come
+to tea and was chatting in the drawing-room with Suzanne (who besides
+being Julia's sister is Barbara's mother and my wife) and Barbara
+(whose relationship all round has been sufficiently indicated).
+The drawing-room door was open, and so was that of my study on the
+opposite side of the passage, where I was coquetting with a trifle
+of work. The conversation, which I could not help overhearing, was
+confined for the most part to Julia and Barbara, and ran more or less
+on the following lines:--
+
+_Julia._ Where's Father, Babs?
+
+_Barbara._ In the libery.
+
+_Julia._ Working hard, I suppose?
+
+_Barbara._ Yes.
+
+_Julia._ Or do you think he's sleeping? (_No answer._) Don't you think
+father's probably asleep half the time he's supposed to be working?
+
+_Barbara._ Probly. What you got in that bag?
+
+_Julia._ I expect that big armchair he sits in is just a weeny bit too
+comfy for real work.
+
+_Barbara._ I've eated up all those choc'lates you did bring me.
+
+_Julia._ Perhaps we'll find some more presently. Do you think Father
+writes in his sleep?
+
+_Barbara._ Yes, I fink he does.
+
+_Julia._ Listen to her, Suzie. I expect really he only dreams he's
+working. Don't you, Babs?
+
+At this point I thought it advisable, for the sake of preserving
+the remnants of my parental authority, to come in to tea. Julia was
+handing Barbara a packet of chocolate, and greeted me with an arch
+inquiry as to whether I had been busy writing. I replied with a hearty
+affirmative.
+
+"You ought to hear what your daughter has been saying about you," said
+Julia.
+
+"Oh, and what does Barbara say?" I asked.
+
+"She says that when Father sits in that stuffy little room of his he
+usually writes in his sleep. She really does take the most amazing
+notice of things, and the way she expresses herself is quite weird."
+
+"So Barbara says I write in my sleep?"
+
+"Yes, you heard her, didn't you, Suzie? Oh, and did I tell you that
+the other day, during that heavy thunderstorm, she said that the
+angels and the devils must be having a big battle and that she
+supposed the angels would soon be going over the top?"
+
+"Come here, Barbara," I said.
+
+Barbara, who at her too fond aunt's request had been granted the
+privilege of taking tea in the drawing-room, stuffed the better half
+of a jam sandwich into her mouth and came.
+
+"Do you see those rich-looking pink cakes?" I asked her. "You shall
+have one as soon as we've had a little talk."
+
+"The biggest and pinkiest one?" demanded Barbara.
+
+"Yes. Now tell me--don't you think that people ought always to speak
+the truth, and to be especially careful not to distort the remarks of
+others?"
+
+"Yes. Can I have the one with the greeny thing on it?"
+
+"Certainly, in a minute. And don't you think that women are much more
+careless of the truth than men?"
+
+"Yes. Can I----"
+
+"Do you love your Aunt Julia?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Cos she always has got choc'lates in her bag."
+
+"But don't you think it's much more important to have the truth in
+your heart than chocolates in your bag?"
+
+"Yes. Now can I have my pink cake?"
+
+I released and rewarded her, and Julia prepared to speak her mind.
+Fortunately, however, just at that moment my brother Tom, who is
+Barbara's godfather, came in.
+
+"Why, what a big girl we're getting!" he observed to Barbara in his
+best godfatherly manner. "I suppose we shall soon be going to school?"
+
+"Oh, no, not yet awhile," I interposed. "The fact is she's already
+far too forward, and we think it a good thing to keep her back a bit.
+You'd never believe the amazing remarks she makes. Just now, for
+instance, we happened to be discussing the comparative love of truth
+inherent in men and women, and Barbara chipped in and told me she
+thought women were far more careless of the truth than men."
+
+"Good heavens!" said Tom, who is a bachelor by conviction. "She
+certainly hit the nail on the head there."
+
+"Yes, and she added that she herself prized truth above chocolates."
+
+"It sounds almost incredible," gasped Tom.
+
+"Doesn't it? But ask Julia; she heard it all. And Julia will also tell
+you what Barbara remarked about my work."
+
+But Julia, who was already gathering her furs about her, followed up
+an unusual silence by a sudden departure.
+
+From what Suzanne has since refrained from saying I am confident that
+I've broken the back of one more legend, and saved Barbara from the
+fate of having to pass the rest of her childhood living up (or down)
+to a spurious halo of precocity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =AN INCENTIVE TO VIRTUE.=
+
+_Small Boy_ (_much impressed_). "THE TICKET-COLLECTOR SAID 'GOOD
+EVENING' TO DAD."
+
+_Mother._ "YES, DEAR, HE ALWAYS DOES. AND PERHAPS, IF YOU'RE GOOD,
+HE'LL SAY THE SAME TO YOU--WHEN YOU'VE TRAVELLED ON THIS LINE FOR
+TWENTY-FIVE YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "DEPARTURE OF THE LIEUT.-GOVERNOR.
+        ENTHUSIASTIC SCENES."
+
+    _Channel Islands Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Indeed, it is simple to understand why the Canadian portion of
+    the audience almost rise from their seats when Fergus Wimbus, the
+    'Man,' says, 'Canada is the land of big things, big thoughts, bing
+    hopes."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Not forgetting the "Byng Boys" either.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL CARETAKERS.
+
+    ["A LADY is willing to give a thoroughly-good HOME to a GRAND
+    PIANO (German make preferred), also a COTTAGE, for anyone going
+    abroad."--_Morning Paper._]
+
+A GRAMOPHONE of small to medium age can be received as p.g. in select
+RESIDENTIAL HOTEL. Young, bright, musical society. Separate tables.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILL any LADY or GENTLEMAN offer hospitality on the Cornish Riviera
+for the winter months to an EX-SERVICE CORNET suffering from chronic
+asthma (slight)?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAG-PIPES (sisters) in reduced circumstances owing to the War, seek
+sit. as COMPANIONS or MOTHER'S HELPS, town or country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of forthcoming productions:--
+
+    "THEATRE ROYAL, ----. Boo Early."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "AND HOW IS YOUR DEAR MOTHER, TO-DAY?"
+
+_Child of the Period._ "OH, SHE'S ROTTEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YARNS.
+
+  When the docks are all deserted and the derricks all are still,
+  And the wind across the anchorage comes singing sad and shrill,
+  And the lighted lanthorns gleaming where the ships at anchor ride
+  Cast their quivering long reflections down the ripple of the tide,
+
+  Then the ships they start a-yarning, just the same as sailors do
+  In a hundred docks and harbours from Port Talbot to Chefoo,
+  Just the same as deep-sea sailormen a-meeting up and down
+  In the bars and boarding-houses and the streets of Sailor-town.
+
+  Just the same old sort of ship-talk sailors always like to hear--
+  Just the same old harbour gossip gathered in from far and near,
+  In the same salt-water lingo sailors use the wide world round,
+  From the shores of London river to the wharves of Puget Sound,
+
+  With a gruff and knowing chuckle at a spicy yarn or so,
+  And a sigh for some old shipmate gone the way that all men go,
+  And there's little need to wonder at a grumble now and then,
+  For the ships must have their growl out, just the same as sailormen.
+
+  And they yarn along together just as jolly as you please,
+  Lordly liner, dingy freighter rusty-red from all the seas,
+  Of their cargoes and their charters and their harbours East and West,
+  And the coal-hulk at her moorings, she is yarning with the best,
+
+  Telling all the same tales over many and many a time she's told,
+  In a voice that's something creaky now because she's got so old,
+  Like some old broken sailorman when drink has loosed his tongue
+  And his ancient heart keeps turning to the days when he was young.
+
+  Is it but the chuckling mutter of the tide along the buoys,
+  But the creak of straining cables, but the night wind's mournful noise,
+  Sighing with a rising murmur in among the ropes and spars,
+  Setting every shroud and backstay singing shanties to the stars?
+
+  No, the ships they all are yarning, just the same as sailors do,
+  Just the same as deep-sea sailors from Port Talbot to Chefoo,
+  Yarning through the hours of darkness till the daylight comes again,
+  But oh! the things they speak of no one knows but sailormen.
+
+  C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =WORTH A TRIAL.=
+
+ULSTERMAN. "HERE COMES A GIFT-HORSE FOR THE TWO OF US. WE'D BEST NOT
+LOOK HIM TOO CLOSE IN THE MOUTH."
+
+SOUTHERN IRISHMAN. "I'LL NOT LOOK AT HIM AT ALL."
+
+ULSTERMAN. "OH, YOU'LL THINK MORE OF HIM WHEN YOU SEE THE WAY HE MOVES
+WITH ME ON HIS BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 8th._--To allay the apprehensions of Sir JOHN REES
+the PRIME MINISTER informed him that the League of Nations can do
+nothing except by a unanimous decision of the Council. As the League
+already includes thirty-seven nations, it is not expected that its
+decisions will be hastily reached. Now, perhaps, the United States
+may think better of its refusal to join a body which has secured the
+allegiance of Liberia and of all the American Republics save Mexico.
+
+The daily demand for an impartial inquiry into Irish "reprisals" met
+with its daily refusal. The PRIME MINISTER referred to "unfortunate
+incidents that always happen in war"--the first time that he has used
+this word to describe the situation in Ireland--and was confident that
+the sufferers were, with few exceptions (Mr. DEVLIN, who complained
+that his office had been raided, being one of them), "men engaged in a
+murderous conspiracy." He declined to hamper the authorities who were
+putting it down. Taking his cue from his chief, Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD
+excused his lack of information about recent occurrences with the
+remark that "an officer cannot draw up reports while he is chasing
+assassins." Tragedy gave way to comedy when Lieutenant-Commander
+KENWORTHY observed that the proceedings were "just like the German
+Reichstag during the War." "Were you there?" smartly interjected
+General CROFT.
+
+[Illustration: OBERLEUTNANT KENNWÜRDIG INSPECTS THE REICHSTAG
+
+(IN THE IMAGINATION OF GENERAL CROFT).]
+
+The Government of Ireland Bill having been recommitted, Sir
+WORTHINGTON EVANS explained the Government's expedient for providing
+the new Irish Parliaments with Second Chambers. Frankly admitting that
+the Cabinet had been unable to evolve a workable scheme--an elected
+Senate would fail to protect the minority and a nominated Senate would
+be "undemocratic"--he proposed that the Council of Ireland should be
+entrusted with the task.
+
+Having regard to the probable composition of the Council--half Sinn
+Feiners and half Orangemen--Colonel GUINNESS feared there was no
+chance of its agreeing unless most of them were laid up with broken
+heads or some other malady. Sir EDWARD CARSON, however, in an
+unusually optimistic vein, expressed the hope that once the North was
+assured of not being put under the South and the South was relieved of
+British dictation they would "shake hands for the good of Ireland."
+The clause was carried by 175 to 31.
+
+[Illustration: "TWO BY TWO."
+
+SIR E. CARSON AND MR. DEVLIN.]
+
+On another new clause, providing for the administration of Southern
+Ireland in the event of a Parliament not being set up, Mr. ASQUITH
+declared that "this musty remainder biscuit" had reduced him to
+"rhetorical poverty." Perhaps that was why he could get no more than
+ten Members to follow him into the Lobby against it.
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD SHEEP-DOG.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ "TUT-TUT! TO THINK THAT I COULD ONLY ROUND UP TEN OF
+'EM!"]
+
+_Tuesday, November 9th._--In supporting Lord PARMOOR'S protest against
+the arrest, at Holyhead, of an English lady by order of the Irish
+Executive, Lord BUCKMASTER regretted that there was no one in the
+House of Lords responsible for the Irish Office, and consequently
+"they were always compelled to accept official answers." A strictly
+official answer was all he got from Lord CRAWFORD, who declared that
+the arrest had been made under the authority of D.O.R.A., and gave
+their Lordships the surely otiose reminder that "conditions were not
+quite simple or normal in Ireland just now."
+
+Mr. SHORTT has formed his style on the model of one of his
+predecessors in office, who used to be described as the Quite-at-Home
+Secretary, and he declined to share Colonel BURN'S alarm at the
+prevalence of revolutionary speeches. Hyde Park, he reminded him, had
+always been regarded as a safety-valve for discontented people. Even
+Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE'S recent reference to Ministers and lamp-posts
+did not at that moment disturb him.
+
+The new Ministry of Health Bill had a rather rough passage, and, if
+the voting had been in accordance with the speeches, it would hardly
+have secured a second reading. Particular objection was raised to the
+proposal to put the hospitals on the rates. Mr. MYERS, however, was
+sarcastic at the expense of people who thought that "rates and taxes
+must be saved though the people perished," and declared that there was
+plenty of war wealth to be drawn upon.
+
+Lieut.-Colonel HURST objected to the term "working-class" in the Bill.
+It would encourage the Socialistic fallacy that the people of England
+were divided into two classes--the leisured class and the working
+class; whereas everybody knew that most of the "leisured class" had no
+leisure and many of the "working-class" did no work.
+
+_Wednesday, November 10th._--The Peers welcomed Lord BUXTON on his
+advancement to an earldom, and then proceeded to discuss the rights
+of the inhabitants of Heligoland. Having been handed over to Germany
+against their will in 1890, they hoped that the Treaty of Versailles
+would restore them to British nationality. On the contrary the Treaty
+has resulted in the island being swamped by German workmen employed in
+destroying the fortifications. Lord CRAWFORD considered that the new
+electoral law requiring three years' residence would safeguard the
+islanders from being politically submerged, and wisely did not enter
+into the question of how long the island itself would remain after the
+fortifications had disappeared.
+
+In the Commons the INDIAN SECRETARY underwent his usual Wednesday
+cross-examination. He did not display quite his customary urbanity.
+When an hon. Member, whose long and distinguished Indian service began
+in the year in which Mr. MONTAGU was born, ventured to suggest that
+he should check Mr. GANDHI'S appeals to ignorance and fanaticism,
+he tartly replied that ignorance and fanaticism were very dangerous
+things, "whether in India or on the benches of this House."
+
+Mr. STEWART expressed anxiety lest under the new arrangements
+with Egypt the Sudan water-supply should be subjected to Egyptian
+interference. Mr. HARMSWORTH was of opinion that for geographical
+reasons the Sudan would always be able to look after its own
+water-supply; _vide_ the leading case of _Wolf_ v. _Lamb_.
+
+_Thursday, November 11th._--The PRIME MINISTER was in a more
+aggressive mood than usual. Mr. DEVLIN, who was noisily incredulous as
+to the existence of a Sinn Fein conspiracy with Germany in 1918, was
+advised to wait for the documents about to be published. To make
+things even, an ultra-Conservative Member, who urged the suspension
+of Mr. FISHER'S new Act, was informed that the PRIME MINISTER could
+conceive nothing more serious than that the nation should decide that
+it could not afford to give children a good education.
+
+Any doubts as to the suitability of Armistice Day for the Third
+Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill were removed by the tone of
+the debate. The possibility that the "Unknown Warrior" might have been
+an Irishman softened the feeling on both sides, and though Mr. ADAMSON
+feared that the Bill would bring Ireland not peace but a sword, and
+Mr. ASQUITH appealed to the Government to substitute a measure more
+generous to Irish aspirations, there was no sting in either of their
+speeches. The PRIME MINISTER, while defending his scheme as the best
+that could be granted in the present temper of Southern Ireland, did
+not bang the door against further negotiations; and Sir EDWARD CARSON
+said that Ulstermen were beginning to realize that the Parliament
+thrust upon them might be a blessing in disguise, and expressed the
+hope that in working it they would set an example of tolerance and
+justice to all classes. Barely a third of the House took part in the
+division, and no Irish Member voted for the Third Reading, which was
+carried by 183 votes to 52; but, having regard to the influence of the
+unexpected in Irish affairs, this apparent apathy may be a good sign.
+After thirty-five years of acute strife, Home Rule for Ireland is, at
+any rate, no longer a party question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOW, SERIOUSLY, MR. WIGGINS, CAN YOU RECOMMEND THE
+LAMB THIS WEEK?"
+
+"WELL, MA'AM, IT ALL DEPENDS WHAT YOU WANT IT FOR. IF YOU WERE
+THINKIN' OF EATIN' IT, SPEAKIN' AS MAN TO MAN, I SHOULD SAY 'NO.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jones minor wants to know if the letter "T," used to designate the new
+super-bus, stands for "TARQUINIUS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT IDEA.
+
+Perkins has got hold of a brilliant idea. He explained it to me in the
+Tube yesterday.
+
+"Our little world," he said, "is turned topsy-turvy."
+
+"Knocked absolutely sideways," I replied.
+
+"Those who were rich in the old days," said Perkins, "haven't two
+sixpences to rub together, and the world's workers are rolling in
+Royces and having iced méringues with every meal. What follows?"
+
+"Indigestion," I said promptly.
+
+"Everybody," he said, ignoring my _jeu d'esprit_, "feels like a fish
+out of water, and discontent is rife. The newly-poor man wishes he had
+in him the stuff of which millionaires are made, and the profiteer
+sighs for a few pints of the true ultramarine Norman blood, as it
+would be so helpful when dealing with valets, gamekeepers and the
+other haughty vassals of his new entourage. And that is where my
+scheme comes in. There are oceans of blue blood surging about in the
+veins and arteries of dukes and other persons who have absolutely no
+further use for such a commodity, and I'm sure lots of it could be had
+at almost less than the present price of milk. So what is to prevent
+the successful hosier from having the real stuff coursing through the
+auricles and ventricles of his palpitating heart, since transfusion is
+such a simple stunt nowadays?"
+
+"And I suppose," I said, "that you would bleed him first so as to make
+room for the new blood?"
+
+"There you touch the real beauty of my idea," said Perkins. "The
+plebeian sighs for aristocratic blood to enable him to hold his own in
+his novel surroundings; the aristocrat could do with a little bright
+red fluid to help him to turn an honest penny. So it is merely a case
+of cross-transfusion; no waste, no suffering, no weakness from loss of
+blood on either side."
+
+I gasped at the magnitude of the idea.
+
+"I'm drawing up plans," Perkins continued, "for a journal devoted
+to the matter, in which the interested parties can advertise their
+blood-stock for disposal, a sort of 'Blood Exchange and Mart.' The
+advertisements alone would pay, I expect, for the cost of production.
+See," he said, handing me a slip of paper, "these are the sort of ads.
+we should get."
+
+This is what I read:--
+
+"Peer, ruined by the War, would sell one-third of arterial contents
+for cash, or would exchange blood-outfits with successful woollen
+manufacturer.--5016 Kensington Gore, W.
+
+"To War Profiteers. Several quarts of the real cerulean for disposal.
+Been in same family for generations. Pedigree can be inspected at
+office of advertiser's solicitor. Cross-transfusion not objected to.
+Address in first instance, BART., 204, Bleeding Heart Yard, E.C.
+
+"Public School and University Man of Plantagenet extraction would like
+to correspond with healthy Coal Miner with view to cross-transfusion.
+Would sell soul for two shillings.--A. VANE-BLUDYER, 135, Down (and
+Out) Street, West Kensington, W."
+
+"Makes your blood run cold," I said, handing back the paper.
+
+"Not it," he said, detaching himself from the strap as the train drew
+into King's Cross; "not if the operation's properly performed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY IN BIRDLAND.
+
+    I.
+
+  Percy is a partridge bold
+  Who in Autumn, so I'm told,
+  Dwells among the turnip roots
+  And assists at frequent shoots,
+  Really I have seldom heard
+  Of a more precocious bird;
+  Possibly his landlord's not
+  What you'd call a first-rate shot,
+  And his pals, though jolly chaps,
+  Are not quite so good perhaps;
+  Still, he thinks their aim so trashy
+  That, I fear, he's getting rash. He
+  Even perches on the end
+  Of the gun my poor old friend
+  Bill employs for killing game.
+  True he's very blind and lame,
+  And he's well beyond the span
+  Meted out to mortal man,
+  And his gout is getting worse
+  (Meaning Bill, of course, not Perce);
+  Still, if he won't mend his ways,
+  One of these fine Autumn days
+  I'm afraid there's bound to be
+  Quite an awful tragedy.
+  He'll be shot--I'm sure he will
+  (Meaning Percy now, not Bill).
+
+    II.
+
+  Weep, ye lowering rain-swept skies!
+  In the dust our hero lies.
+  Weeping-willow, bow thy head!
+  Our precocious fowl is dead.
+  Sigh, thou bitter North Wind, for
+  Perce the Partridge is no more!
+
+  Now, as long as he was ready
+  Just to sit, sedate and steady,
+  On the barrel of the gun
+  Little mischief could be done;
+  But on that sad morn a whim
+  Suddenly seized hold of him;
+  'Twas the lunatic desire
+  To observe how shot-guns fire;
+  So he boldly took his stand
+  Where the barrel ended, and,
+  All agog to solve the puzzle,
+  Poked his napper up the muzzle.
+
+  Well, the weapon at the minute
+  Chanced to have a cartridge in it,
+  And it happened that my friend
+  Bill was at the other end,
+  Who with calm unflurried aim
+  Failed (at last) to miss the game.
+
+  With the tragic tale of Percy's
+  Death I meant to close these verses,
+  But we see quite clearly there, too,
+  Other ills that Bird is heir to.
+  He has also lost, you see,
+  Individuality;
+  Perce the Partridge, named and known,
+  With an ego all his own,
+  Disappears; and in his place
+  There remains but "half-a-brace."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _New Landlord._ "GEORGE, BILLIARDS WILL BE
+EIGHTEENPENCE A HUNDRED."
+
+_Potman._ "THAT'S MORE'N THEY PAID BEFORE, SIR."
+
+_New Landlord._ "WHAT DID THEY PAY?"
+
+_Potman._ "WELL, IT _WAS_ A BOB, BUT THEY MOSTLY SNEAKED OUT THROUGH
+THAT DOOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Situations to Suit all Ages.=
+
+    "Lady-Typist (aged 1920) required for invoicing department of West
+    End wholesale firm."--_Daily Paper._
+
+    "Wanted, capable Person, about 3 years of age, to undertake all
+    household duties, country residence."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DICK WHITTINGTON, 1920.
+
+    And, last of all, here is Dick WPhittington, otherwise known as
+    Alderman Roll, Lord Mayor of London."--_Evening Paper._
+
+But for the headline we should never have recognised him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Beginner._ "I HOPE TO HEAVEN I'VE GOT THE LABELS
+ON THE RIGHT STICKS, OR I'M DONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEAU BRIMACOMBE.
+
+"Well, Uncle Tom," I said, leaning over the gate, "and what did you
+think of London?"
+
+On Monday morning Uncle Tom Brimacombe had driven off in his trap with
+his wife to the nearest station, five miles away, and had gone up to
+London for the first time in his life, "to see about a legacy."
+
+"Lunnon! mai laife. It's a vaine plaace. Ai used 'think Awkeyampton
+was a big town, but ai'm barmed if Lunnon dawn't beat un.
+
+"As you knaw, Zur, us 'ad to get up and gaw off 'bout three in th'
+morn'n, and us got upalong Lunnon 'bout tain. Well, the waife knew 'er
+waay 'bout, laike; 'er 's bin to Plymouth 'fore now. Zo when us gets
+out of the traain us gaws inzaide a sort er caage what taakes us down
+a 'awl in the ground. Ai was fraightened out 'me laife. 'Yer,' ai sez,
+'wur be us gwaine then?'
+
+"'Dawn'ee axno questions, me dyur,' sez the waife, 'or ai'll vorget
+ahl what the guard in the traain tawld us.'
+
+"Well, baimbai the caage stops gwaine down and us gets out, and ai'm
+blawed if us wadn't in a staation ahl below the ground! Then a traain
+comes out of anither 'awl, and befwer us 'ad zat down proper inzaide
+un, 'er was off agaain, 'thout waitin' vur watter nor noth'n'. Well,
+we zat us down and thur was tu little maids a-vaacin' us what 'adn'
+mwer'n lef' school a yer'tu, and naw zinner do they zet eyes on me
+than one of 'n whispers zimmat to tither and they bawth starts gazin'
+at my 'at and laaf'n'.
+
+"Well, ai stid it vur some taime and at laast ai cuden' a-bear it naw
+longer, so ai says to the waife, 'Fur whai they'm laaf'n' then? What's
+wrong wi' my 'at?'
+
+"'Dawn'ee taake naw nawtice of they,' 'er says. 'The little 'uzzies
+ought to be at 'awm look'n' aafter the chicken, 'staid of gallivantin'
+about ahl bai thursalves. Yure 'at's all raight.'
+
+"Ai was wear'n' me awld squeer brown bawlerat what ai wears to Laanson
+market on Zat'dys.
+
+"Well, zune us gets out, though ai caan't tall'ee whur tu 'twas, and
+ai caan't tall'ee what us did nither, vur me 'aid was gwaine round an'
+round and aachin' vit to burst. But us vound the plaace us was aafter
+and saigned ahl the paapers wur the man tawld us tu. Then, when us
+gets outsaide, the waife, 'er says, 'Look'ee, me dyur, thur's a bit
+of graass and some trees; us'll gawn zit down awver there and eat our
+paasties.'
+
+"Maighty pwer graass 'twas tu, but thur was seats, so us ait our
+paasties thur, and us bawth started crai'in when us bit into un. They
+zort 'er taasted of 'awm, laike.
+
+"Then ahl't once the waife, 'er says, 'Pon mai word, thur's a man
+taak'n our vottygraff.' And thur 'e was, tu, with a black tarpaulin
+awver 'is 'aid! 'Come away, me dyur,' says she; 'ai'm not gwaine to
+paay vur naw vottygraffs. Ai 'ad one done at Laanson 'oss shaw when
+ai was a gal, and it faaded clean away insaide a twelve-month.' Zo us
+gaws back along the staation agaan and comes 'awm just in taime to get
+the cows in.
+
+"Well, next evenin' ai went down along 'The Duke' to tall 'em ahl
+'bout Lunnon, but when ai gets insaide they ahl starts shout'n' and
+bangin' thur mugs and waav'n the paaper at me. 'What's come awver yu?'
+ai axes un; 'yume ahl gone silly then?'
+
+"'Theym bin and put yure vottygraff in the paaper, Uncle,' says John
+Tonkin, and 'awlds un out vur me to look. And thur, sure 'nuff, 'twas,
+with the waife in tu! So ai gets un to let me cut'n out and keep'n.
+Yur 'tis if 'eed laike to see un."
+
+Uncle Tom fumbled in his pocket, drew out a cutting and handed it to
+me. There surely enough was a photo of him and "the waife," sitting on
+a public garden-seat eating pasties and underneath the legend--
+
+    "SUITS YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE.
+
+  An old couple snapped in Hyde Park.
+  The gentleman, smart though elderly,
+  is seen wearing a brown model of _The
+  Daily Mail_ hat."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =AFTER THE BALL.=
+
+"_The Spirit of Jazz._" "TAXI!"
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "SORRY, SIR--OLE NICK 'AS JUST COPPED ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CYNOSURE.
+
+Among the passengers on the boat was a tall dark man with a black
+moustache and well-cut clothes who spent most of his time walking the
+deck or reading alone in his chair. Every ship has such recluses, who
+often, however, are on the fringe of several sets, although members
+of none. But this man remained apart and, being so determined and
+solitary, he was naturally the subject of comment and inquiry, even
+more of conjecture. His name was easy to discover from the plan of the
+table, but we knew no more until little Mrs. King, who is the best
+scout in the world, brought the tidings.
+
+"I can't tell you much," she began breathlessly; "but there's
+something frightfully interesting. Colonel Swift knows all about him.
+He met him once in Poona and they have mutual friends. And how do you
+think he described him? He says he's the worst liver in India."
+
+There is no need to describe the sensation created by this piece of
+information. If the man had set us guessing before, he now excited
+a frenzy of curiosity. The glad news traversed the ship like wind,
+brightening every eye; at any rate every female eye. For, though the
+good may have their reward elsewhere, it is beyond doubt that, if
+public interest is any guerdon, the bad get it on earth.
+
+Show me a really bad man--dark-complexioned, with well-cut clothes
+and a black moustache--and I will show you a hero; a hero a little
+distorted, it is true, but not much the less heroic for that. Show me
+a notorious breaker of male hearts and laws and--so long as she
+is still in business--I will show you a heroine; again a little
+distorted, but with more than the magnetism of the virtuous variety.
+
+For the rest of the voyage the lonely passenger was lonely only
+because he preferred to be, or was unaware of the agitation which
+he caused. People walked for hours longer than they liked or even
+intended in order to have a chance of passing him in his chair and
+scrutinising again the features that masked such depravity. For that
+they masked it cannot be denied. A physiognomist looking at him would
+have conceded a certain gloom, a trend towards introspection, possibly
+a hypertrophied love of self, but no more. Physiognomists, however,
+can retire from the case, for they are as often wrong as hand-writing
+experts. And if any Lavater had been on board and had advanced such
+a theory he would have been as unpopular as JONAH, for the man's
+wickedness was not only a joy to us but a support. Without it the
+voyage would have been interminable.
+
+What, we all wondered, had he done? Had he murdered as well as
+destroyed so many happy homes? Was he crooked at cards? Our minds
+became acutely active, but we could discover no more because the old
+Colonel, the source of knowledge, had fallen ill and was invisible.
+
+Meanwhile the screw revolved, sweepstakes were lost and won, deck
+sports flourished, fancy-dress dances were held, concerts were
+endured, a Colonial Bishop addressed us on Sunday mornings and the
+tall dark man with the black moustache and different suits of well-cut
+clothes sat in his chair and passed serenely from one OPPENHEIM to
+another as though no living person were within leagues.
+
+It was not until we were actually in port that the Colonel recovered
+and I came into touch with him. Standing by the rail we took advantage
+of the liberty to speak together, which on a ship such propinquity
+sanctions. After we had exchanged a few remarks about the clumsiness
+of the disembarking arrangements I referred to the man of mystery and
+turpitude, and asked for particulars of some of his milder offences.
+
+"Why do you suppose him such a blackguard?" he asked.
+
+"But surely----" I began, a little disconcerted.
+
+"He's a man," the Colonel continued, "that everyone should be sorry
+for. He's a wreck, and he's going home now probably to receive his
+death sentence."
+
+This was a promising phrase and I cheered up a little, but only for a
+moment.
+
+"That poor devil," said the Colonel, "as I told Mrs. King earlier in
+the voyage, has the worst liver in India."
+
+E. V. L.
+
+
+
+A VACILLATING POLICY.
+
+(_A Warning against dealing with Disreputable Companies._)
+
+  When the Man of Insurance made his rounds
+  I "covered" my house for a thousand pounds;
+  Then someone started a fire in the grounds
+    At the end of a wild carouse.
+  The building was burnt; I made my claim
+  And the Man of Insurance duly came.
+            Said he, "Always
+            Our Company pays
+    Without any fuss or grouse;
+  But your home was rotted from drains to flues;
+  I therefore offer you as your dues
+  Seven hundred pounds or, if you choose,
+    A better and brighter house."
+
+  I took the money; I need not say
+  What abuse I hurled at his head that day;
+  But, when he began in his artful way
+    To talk of Insurance (Life),
+  And asked me to take out a policy for
+  My conjugal partner, my _cordium cor_,
+            "No, no," said I,
+            "If my spouse should die
+    We should enter again into strife;
+  You would come and say at the funeral, 'Sir,
+  Your wife was peevish and plain; for her
+  I offer six hundred or, if you prefer,
+    A better and brighter wife.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY GARDENER.
+
+(_Extracts from a Synthetic Diary à la mode._)
+
+_November 11th._--Now is the time to plant salsify, or the vegetable
+oyster, as it has been aptly named from its crustacean flavour so
+dear to herbaceous boarders. This may be still further accentuated
+by planting it in soil containing lime, chalk or other calcareous or
+sebaceous deposits.
+
+Hedgehogs are now in prime condition for baking, but it is desirable
+to remove the quills before entrusting the animal to the oven. But the
+hedgehog cannot be cooked until he is caught, and his capture should
+not be attempted without strong gloves. Those recently invented by
+Lord THANET are far the best for the purpose. It is a moot point among
+culinary artists whether the hedgehog should be served _en casserole_
+or in _coquilles_; but these are negligible details when you are
+steeped in the glamour of pale gold from a warm November sun, and
+mild air currents lag over the level leagues where the water is but
+slightly crimped and the alighting heron is lost among the neutral
+tints that envelop him....
+
+Though the sun's rays are not now so fervent as they were in the
+dog-days, gardening without any headgear is dangerous, especially in
+view of the constant stooping. For the protection of the _medulla_
+nothing is better than the admirable hat recently placed on the market
+by the benevolent enterprise of a great newspaper. But an effective
+substitute can be improvised out of a square yard of linoleum lined
+with cabbage-leaves and fastened with a couple of safety-pins.
+
+As the late Sir ANDREW CLARK remarked in a luminous phrase, Nature
+forgives but she never forgets. The complete gardener should always
+aim (unlike the successful journalist) at keeping his head cool and
+his feet warm; and here again the noble enterprise of a newspaper
+has provided the exact _desideratum_ in its happily-named Corkolio
+detachable soles, which are absolutely invaluable when roads are dark
+and ways are foul, when the reeds are sere, when all the flowers have
+gone and the carrion-crow from the vantage of a pollard utters harsh
+notes of warning to all the corvine company round about....
+
+Shod with Corkolio the happy gardener can defy these sinister
+visitants and ply the task of "heeling over" broccoli towards the
+north with perfect impunity.
+
+The ravages of stag-beetles, a notable feature of late seasons, and
+probably one of the indirect but none the less disastrous results of
+the Land Valuation policy of the PRIME MINISTER, can be kept down by
+leaving bowls of caviare mixed with molasses in the places which they
+most frequent. This compound reduces them speedily to a comatose
+condition, in which they can be safely exterminated with the aid of
+the patent hot-air pistolette (price five guineas) recently invented
+by a director of one of the journals already alluded to.
+
+But _tout lasse, tout casse, tout passe_; and while the kingfisher
+turns his sapphire back in the sun against the lemon-yellow of the
+willow leaves, and the smouldering russet of the oak-crowns succeeds
+to the crimson of the beeches and the gold of the elms, we shall do
+well to emulate the serene magnanimity of Nature and console ourselves
+with the reflection that the rural philosopher, if only assured of
+a sympathetic hearing in an enlightened Press and provided with a
+suitable equipment by the ingenuity of its directors, may contemplate
+the vagaries of tyrannical misgovernment with fortitude and even
+felicity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SARTORIAL TRAGEDY.
+
+    ["To be fashionable one must have the waist so narrow that there
+    is a strain upon the second button when the jacket is fastened."
+
+    _Note on Men's Dress._]
+
+  Garbed in the very height and pink of fashion,
+   To-day I sallied forth to greet my fair,
+  Nursing within my ardent heart a passion
+    I long had had a craving to declare;
+  Being convinced that never would there fall so
+    Goodly a chance again, I mused how she
+  Was good and kind and beautiful, and also
+        Expecting me to tea.
+
+  And after tea I stood before her, feeling
+    Now was the moment when the maid would melt,
+  My buttoned jacket helpfully revealing
+    The graces of a figure trimly svelte,
+  But, all unworthy to adorn a poet
+    Who'd bought it for a fabulous amount,
+  Just as I knelt to put the question, lo, it
+        Popped on its own account.
+
+  The button, dodging my attempts to hide it,
+    Rolled to her very feet and rested there,
+  And when I laid my loving heart beside it
+    She only smiled at that incongruous pair--
+  Smiled, then in contrite pity for the gloomy
+    Air that I wore of one whose chance is gone,
+  Promised that she would be a sister to me
+        And sew the button on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Test of Endurance.
+
+    "The dancing will commence at 9 p.m. and conclude at 2 p.m. Anyone
+    still wanting tickets may procure same at the Victoria."
+
+    _East African Paper._
+
+For ourselves, after seventeen hours' continuous dancing, we shall not
+want any more tickets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a parish magazine:--
+
+    "A nation will not remain virulent which destroys the barriers
+    which protect the Sunday."
+
+We are all for protecting the Sunday, but we don't want to remain
+virulent. It is a terrible dilemma.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SITUATION: _Burglar caught red-handed._
+
+_Woman._ "THE SORCE O' THE FELLER! 'E PRETENDED TO BE ME 'USBAND AND
+CALLED OUT, 'IT'S ALL RIGHT, DARLIN'--IT'S ONLY ME.' IT WAS THE WORD
+'DARLIN'' WOT GIVE 'IM AWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In looking at the title-page of _John Seneschal's Margaret_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) no lover of good stories but will be saddened by the
+reflection that the superscription, "by AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE," is
+there seen for the last time. The double signature, herald of how much
+pleasure in the past, is here attached to a cheerfully improbable
+but well-told tale of the after-war about a returned soldier who was
+mistaken for his dead fellow-prisoner and hailed as son, heir and
+_fiancé_ by the different members of the welcoming group in the home
+that wasn't his. The descriptions of this home, by the way--a house
+whose identification will be easy enough for those who know the
+beautiful North-Dorset country--are as good as any part of the book.
+If you protest that the resulting situation is not only wildly
+improbable but becoming a stock-in-trade of our novelists, I must
+admit the first charge, but point out that the authors here secure
+originality by making the deception an unintended one. _John Tempest_,
+who in the hardships of his escape has lost memory of his own
+identity, never ceases to protest that he is at least not the other
+_John_ for whom the members of the _Seneschal_ family persist in
+taking him--a twist that makes for piquancy if hardly for added
+probability. However, the inevitable solution of the problem provides
+a story entertaining enough, though not, I think, one that will
+obliterate your memory of others, incomparable, from hands to which we
+all owe a debt of long enjoyment.
+
+I read _Inisheeny_ (METHUEN), as I believe I have read every story by
+the same hand, at one sitting. Whose was the hand I will ask you to
+guess. Characters: one Church of Ireland parson, drily humorous, as
+narrator; one lively heroine with archæological father, hunting for
+relics; one schoolboy; one young and over-zealous R.I.C. officer on
+the look-out for concealed arms; poachers, innkeepers, peasants, etc.
+Action, mostly amphibious, passes between the mainland of Western
+Ireland and a small islet off the coast. Will the gentleman who said
+"GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM" kindly consider himself entitled to ten nuts?
+I suppose it was the mention of an islet that finally gave away my
+simple secret. Mr. "BIRMINGHAM" is one of the too few authors who
+understand what emotion an island of the proper size and right
+distance from the coast can raise in the human breast. _Inisheeny_
+delightfully fulfilled every condition in this respect; not to mention
+sheltering an illicit still and being the home of Keltic treasure.
+Precisely in fact the right kind of place, and the sort of story that
+hardly anyone can put down unfinished. I am bound to add that, perhaps
+a hundred pages from the actual end, the humour of the affair seems to
+lose spontaneity and become forced. But till the real climax of the
+tale, the triumphant return of the various hunters from _Inisheeny_, I
+can promise that you will find never a dull page.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were moments in _The Headland_ (HEINEMANN) when, with _Roma
+Lennox_, the "companion" and heroine, I "shivered, feeling that
+London, compared with the old house on the Headland and the family
+inhabiting it, was a clean place with a clear atmosphere and inhabited
+by robust, sane, straightforward persons. You felt homesick." Cornwall
+is notoriously inhabited by queer people, and the _Pendragon_ family
+was not merely queer but hereditarily rotten and decadent: the old
+father, who burns a valuable old book of his own to appease his
+violent temper; the granddaughter a kleptomaniac; the son of forty
+addicted to hideous cruelties. Unpleasant but well drawn, all of them.
+Mrs. C. A. DAWSON SCOTT has powerfully suggested the atmosphere of
+the strange and tragic household, mourning its dead mistress; and she
+understands the peculiar quality of the Cornish people and the Cornish
+seas. I have not read her other novels, but, if she will promise to
+wrestle with one or two rather irritating mannerisms, I will promise
+to look out for her next one. I have no prejudice against the Wellsian
+triplet of dots, but really Mrs. Scott does overdo it. And a good deal
+of her quite penetrating psycho-thingummy was spoiled for me by her
+trick of conveying nearly every impression and reflection of her
+characters through an impersonal "you" or "one." This means an economy
+of words and for a short time a certain vividness, but it soon becomes
+tedious. One knows what a tangle you get into if one starts using
+"one's" and "you's" in your letters; and you find that the author
+has been caught once or twice. However, the story is good enough to
+survive that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The title of _The Lady of The Lawn_ (JENKINS) has "the ornament of
+alliteration," but beyond that there doesn't seem to be any particular
+reason why Mr. W. RILEY should have chosen it. Certainly in his story
+there is an old lady who spends more of the winter on a lawn than any
+old lady of my acquaintance could be induced to, even with rugs and a
+summer-house to make up for the comforts of the fireside; but _Miss
+Barbara_ and her site really have not so much to do with the tale as
+its title seems to imply. The love affairs of a young officer who,
+while blind from wounds, fell in love with his nurse to the extent of
+becoming engaged to her and didn't recognise her when they met again,
+are Mr. RILEY'S real concern. _Eric_, who is quite as priggish as
+his name suggests, falls in love with his sweetheart, as a lady of
+leisure, all over again, and goes through agonies of remorse on
+account of his own faithlessness to her as a nurse. _Marion_ or
+_Constance_, for she uses two names to help the confusion, lets him
+suffer a while for the good of his soul, but the happy ending, the
+promise of which is breathed from every line of the book, is duly
+brought about. His publisher asserts that "there is no living author
+who writes about Yorkshire as does Mr. RILEY." I daresay he is quite
+right, but at least as far as the present book is concerned I don't
+think that I should have bothered to mention it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those--and I suspect they are many--whose first real enthusiasm for
+ABRAHAM LINCOLN was kindled by Mr. JOHN DRINKWATER'S romantic morality
+play can profitably take up Mr. IRVING BACHELLER'S _A Man for the
+Ages_ (CONSTABLE) for an engaging account of the early days of the
+great Democrat. They will forgive a certain flamboyance about the
+author's preliminaries. Hero-worship, if the hero be worthy, is a very
+pardonable weakness, and they should certainly admire the skill and
+humour with which he has patched together, or invented where seemly,
+the story of lanky ABE, with his axeman's skill, his immense physical
+strength, his poor head for shopkeeping, his passion for books, his
+lean purse and "shrinking pants," his wit, courage and resource. A
+romance of reasonable interest and plausibility is woven round young
+Lincoln's story. Perhaps Mr. BACHELLER makes his hero speak a little
+too sententiously at times, and certainly some of his other folk say
+queer things, such as, "What so vile as a cheap aristocracy, growing
+up in idleness, too noble to be restrained, with every brutal passion
+broad-blown as flush as May?" What indeed! The picture of pioneering
+America in the thirties is a fresh and interesting one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To few of those who visit Switzerland, with its incomparable
+mountains, can it have occurred that, once a man is kept there against
+his will, it can be a prison as damnable as any other; possibly even
+more damnable by reason of those same inevitable mountains. British
+prisoners of war interned there knew that. Mr. R. O. PROWSE, in _A
+Gift of the Dusk_ (COLLINS), speaks with subtle penetration for those
+other prisoners, interned victims of the dreadful malady. Of necessity
+he writes sadly; but yet he writes as a very genial philosopher,
+permitting himself candidly "just that little cynicism which helps
+to keep one tolerant." He is of the old and entertaining school of
+sentimental travellers, but he is far from being old-fashioned. The
+story running through his observations and modern instances is so
+frail and delicate a thing that I hesitate to touch it and to risk
+disturbing its bloom. All readers, save the very young and the very
+old, will do well to travel with him, from Charing Cross ("I have a
+childlike fondness for trains. I like to be in them, I like to see
+them go by") to the peaceful, almost happy end, at the mountain refuge
+by the valley of the Rhone. They will not regret an inch of the way;
+and they will derive some very positive enjoyment from the picture of
+that most melancholy hotel where the story is set.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES.
+
+_Mounted Gentleman_ (_who has come to grief in a morass_). "IF I
+ESCAPE THIS PERIL I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO BUILD A CHURCH HERE AS A
+THANK-OFFERING. AN ILL SITE, I FEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Safety Model.
+
+    "Lady's strong cycle, 23-in. frame, 28 wheels."--_Cycling._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the M.C.C. team's match at Colombo:
+
+    "When the unlucky thirteen was reached, Hobbs, who was sleeping
+    finely, fell to a great catch at mid-on by Gunasekera."--_Ceylon
+    Paper._
+
+Happily HOBBS appears to have waked up when he got to Australia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 17, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2006 [EBook #19349]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+<h2>Vol. 159.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h2>November 17th, 1920.</h2>
+<hr class="full" />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page381" id="page381"></a>[pg 381]</span>
+<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2>
+
+<p>
+It is rumoured that a gentleman who
+purchased a miniature two-seater car at
+the Motor Show last week arrived home
+one night to find the cat playing with
+it on the mat.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+It appears that nothing definite has
+yet been decided as to whether <i>The
+Daily Mail</i> will publish a Continental
+edition of the Sandringham Hat.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The matter having passed out of the
+hands of D.O.R.A., the Westminster
+City Council recommend the abolition
+of the practice of whistling for cabs at
+night. Nothing is said about the custom
+of making a noise like a five-shilling
+tip.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+We shall not be surprised
+if Mr. <span class="sc">Austen
+Chamberlain</span> becomes
+the Viceroy of India,
+says a gossip-writer.
+We warn our contemporary
+against being
+elated, for it is almost
+certain that another
+Chancellor of the Exchequer
+would be appointed
+in his place.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+During the Lord
+Mayor's Show last week
+we understand that the
+<span class="sc">Lord Mayor's</span> coachman
+was accompanied
+by the <span class="sc">Lord Mayor</span>.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The licensee of a West
+Ham public-house has
+just purchased a parrot
+which is trained to imitate
+the bagpipes. The bird's life will
+of course be insured.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Ireland will have to be careful or
+she will be made safe for democracy,
+like the other countries.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Upon hearing that Mr. <span class="sc">William
+Brace</span> had accepted a Government
+appointment several members of the
+Labour Party said that this only confirmed
+their contention that his moustache
+would get him into trouble
+one day.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Mrs. <span class="sc">Stackpool O'Dell</span> warns girls
+against marrying a man whose head is
+flat at the back. The best course is
+to get one with a round head; after
+marriage it can be flattened to taste.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A man who persistently refused to
+give any information about himself was
+remanded at the Guildhall last week.
+He is thought to be a British taxpayer
+going about <i>incognito</i>.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The cackle of a hen when she lays an
+egg, says a scientist, is akin to laughter.
+And with some of the eggs we have
+met we can easily guess what the hen
+was laughing at.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+The National Collection of Microbes
+at the Lister Institute now contains
+eight hundred different specimens. Visitors
+are requested not to tease the
+germs or go too near their cages.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A large spot on the sun has been seen
+by the meteorological experts at Greenwich
+Observatory. We understand that
+it will be allowed to remain.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Raymond Forsdik</span>, of Chicago,
+states that twelve times more murders
+are committed in Chicago than in
+London. But, under Prohibition, Satan
+is bound to find mischief for idle
+hands.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Canon F. J. Meyrick, of Norwich, is
+reported to have caught a pike weighing
+twenty-five pounds. In view of
+the angler's profession we suppose we
+must believe this one.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+A curate of Bedford Park has had
+his bicycle stolen from the church, and
+as there were a number of people in
+the congregation it is difficult to know
+whom to blame.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Shall Onkie Live?" asks a <i>Daily
+Mail</i> headline. We don't know who
+he is, but he certainly has our permission.
+We cannot, however, answer for
+Mr. <span class="sc">Bob Williams</span>.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+With reference to the complaint that
+a City man made about his telephone,
+we are pleased to say that a great improvement
+is reported. The instrument
+was taken away the other day.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Discussing the remuneration of Cabinet
+Ministers a contemporary doubts
+whether they get what they deserve.
+This only goes to prove that we are a
+humane race.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Hatters say that the price of rabbit
+skins is likely to ruin the trade. Meanwhile
+the mere act of getting the skins
+is apt to ruin the rabbit.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"Mine," says General <span class="sc">Townshend</span>,
+"was a mission which <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> would
+have refused." We
+doubt, however, if Lord
+<span class="sc">Northcliffe</span> is to be
+drawn like that.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+Dr. <span class="sc">E. Halford Ross</span>,
+of Piccadilly, is of the
+opinion that coal contains
+remarkable healing
+powers. Quite a
+number of people contemplate
+buying some
+of the stuff.</p>
+
+        <hr class="short" />
+<p>
+"What does milk usually
+contain?" asks a
+weekly paper. We can
+only say it wouldn't be
+fair for us to reply, as
+we know the answer.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+ <div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/381.png"><img src="images/381-600.png" width="600" height="434" alt="I say, Dad, go slow. Remember who's got to wear it after you've finished with it." /></a>
+<p><i>Small Boy at Tailor's (to father, who seems to be impressed with "Jazz" tweed</i>).</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">I say, Dad, go slow. Remember who's got to wear it after you've
+finished with it</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h4>An Indomitable Spirit.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Mr. &mdash;&mdash;'s tank held
+only &mdash;&mdash; Spirit during the
+whole climb and not satisfied
+with climbing <i>up</i> Snowdon<br />
+Mr. &mdash;&mdash; then drove down again."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Motoring Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p class="center">
+"<span class="sc">Why I didn't go to the Bar</span>.<br />
+By Horatio Bottomley."</p>
+<p class="author">
+"<i>John Bull</i>" <i>Poster</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Perhaps it was after hours.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"This upset Mr. Chesterton, a patriotic,
+beer-eating Englishman."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Sunday Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+We deplore the modern tendency to pry
+into the details of an author's dietary.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"What the word 'Democracy' was intended
+to mean was that every man should have
+to betrTcOshrdluesthafaodfabadofgarfaf."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Local Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+We have long suspected this.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Milwaukee</span>.&mdash;Fourteen cases of whiskey,
+a large quantity of brandies, gin and wines
+were found stored in a bathhouse. It will be
+presented to the federal grand jury for action."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Canadian Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Not the obvious form of "direct action,"
+we trust.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page382" id="page382"></a>[pg 382]</span>
+
+
+<h3>HOW TO VITALISE THE DRAMA.</h3>
+<p class="center"><i>A hint of what might be done by following
+the example of the Press</i>.</p>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+["More than one actor-manager during the
+past few months has been searching round
+frantically in his efforts to find a new play."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>The Times</i>.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Oh, have you marked upon the breeze</p>
+    <p class="i2">The wail of hunger which occurs</p>
+  <p>When starved theatrical lessees</p>
+    <p class="i2">Commune with hollow managers?</p>
+  <p>"Where is Dramatic Art?" they say;</p>
+  <p>"Can no one, <i>no one</i>,  write a play?"</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>I cannot think why this should be,</p>
+    <p class="i2">This bitter plaint of sudden dearth;</p>
+  <p>To write a play would seem to me</p>
+    <p class="i2">Almost the easiest thing on earth.</p>
+  <p>Sometimes I feel that even I</p>
+  <p>Could do it if I chose to try.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>What! can this Art be in its grave</p>
+    <p class="i2">Whose form was lately so rotund,</p>
+  <p>Whose strength was as a bull's and gave</p>
+    <p class="i2">No sign of being moribund?</p>
+  <p>I'm sure my facts are right, or how</p>
+  <p>Do you account for <i>Chu Chin Chow</i>?</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>As for the gods, their judgment shows</p>
+    <p class="i2">No loss of <i>flair</i> for grace or wit;</p>
+  <p>We see the comic's ruby nose</p>
+    <p class="i2">Reduce to pulp the nightly pit,</p>
+  <p>Whose patrons, sound in head and heart,</p>
+  <p>Still love the loftiest type of Art.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Nor should the playwright fail for lack</p>
+    <p class="i2">Of matter, if with curious eyes</p>
+  <p>He follows in our Pressmen's track,</p>
+    <p class="i2">Who find the source of their supplies</p>
+  <p>In Life, that ever-flowing font,</p>
+  <p>And "give the public what they want."</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>If authors, moving with the times,</p>
+    <p class="i2">Would only feed us, like the Press,</p>
+  <p>On squalid "mysteries," ugly crimes,</p>
+    <p class="i2">Scandals and all that carrion mess,</p>
+  <p>I see no solid reason why</p>
+  <p>Dramatic Art should ever die.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i24">O. S.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.</h3>
+
+<h4>II.&mdash;<span class="sc">Mr. Winston Churchill</span>.</h4>
+<p>
+If it be urged that a few trifling inaccuracies
+have crept into the sketch
+which is here given of a great statesman's
+personality I can only say,
+"<i>Humanum est errare</i>," and "<i>Homo
+sum: humani nihil alienum a me puto</i>."
+These two Latin sentences, I find, invariably
+soothe all angry passions; you
+have only to try their effect the next
+time you stamp on the foot of a stout
+man when alighting from an Underground
+train.</p>
+<p>
+Of all the present-day politicians, and
+indeed there are not a few, upon whose
+mantelpieces the bust of <span class="sc">Napoleon
+Bonaparte</span> is displayed, Mr. <span class="sc">Winston
+Churchill</span> is probably the most assiduous
+worshipper at the great Corsican's
+shrine. How often has he not entered
+his sanctum at the War Office, peering
+forward with that purposeful dominating
+look on his face, and discovered a
+few specks of dust upon his favourite
+effigy. With a quick characteristic
+motion of the thumb resembling a stab
+he rings the bell. A flunkey instantly
+appears. "Bust that dust," says the
+<span class="sc">War Minister</span>. And then, correcting
+himself instantly, with a genial smile,
+"I should say, Dust that bust."</p>
+<p>
+But <span class="sc">Napoleon's</span> is not the only head
+that adorns Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill's</span>
+room. On a bookshelf opposite is a
+model of his own head, such as one
+may sometimes see in the shop windows
+of hatters, and close beside is a small
+private hat-making plant, together with
+an adequate supply of the hair of the
+rabbit, the beaver, the vicuna and similar
+rodents, and a quantity of shellac. Few
+days pass in which the <span class="sc">War Minister</span>
+does not spend an hour or two at his
+charming hobby, for, contrary to the
+general opinion, he is far from satisfied
+with the headgear by which he is so
+well known, or even with the Sandringham
+hat of <i>The Daily Mail</i>, and lives
+always in hopes of modelling the ideal
+hat which is destined to immortalise
+him and be worn by others for centuries
+to come. The work of a great statesman
+lives frequently in the mindful brain
+of posterity, less frequently upon it.</p>
+<p>
+Other mementos which adorn this
+remarkable room at the War Office are
+a porcelain pot containing a preserve
+of Blenheim oranges, a framed photograph
+of the Free Trade Hall at Manchester,
+a map of Mesopotamia with
+the outpost lines and sentry groups of
+the original Garden of Eden, marked by
+paper flags, and a number of lion-skin
+rugs of which the original occupants
+were stalked and killed by their owner
+on his famous African tour. In his
+more playful moments the <span class="sc">War Minister</span>
+has been known to clothe himself
+completely in one of these skins
+and growl ferociously from behind a
+palm at an unwelcome intruder.</p>
+<p>
+Of the man himself perhaps the most
+distinguishing characteristic is dynamic
+energy. Whether other people's energy
+is ever dynamic I do not know, but
+undoubtedly Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill's</span>
+is; he dominates, he quells. He is like
+one of those people in the papers with
+zig-zags sticking out all over them
+because they have been careful to wear
+an electric belt. He exudes force. Sometimes
+one can almost hear him crackle.</p>
+<p>
+As a politician it is true he has not
+yet tried every office; he has not, for
+instance, been Chancellor of the Exchequer,
+though his unbounded success
+in the Duchy of Lancaster amply shows
+what his capabilities as a Chancellor
+are. But as a soldier, a pig-sticker and
+a polo-player he is rapidly gaining pre-eminence,
+and as an author and journalist
+his voice is already like a swan's
+amongst screech-owls. (I admit that
+that last bit ought to have been in Latin,
+but I cannot remember what the Latin
+for a screech-owl is. I have an idea that
+it increases in the genitive, but quite
+possibly I may be thinking of dormice.)</p>
+<p>
+Anyhow, to return to Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill's</span>
+room: whilst the floor is littered with
+volumes that have been sent to him for
+review, his desk is equally littered with
+proofs of essays, sermons, leaders and
+leaderettes for the secular and Sunday
+Press. As a novelist he has scarcely
+fulfilled his early promise, but it is on
+record that he was once introduced to
+a stranger from the backwoods, who
+asked ignorantly, "Am I speaking to
+the statesman or the author?"</p>
+<p>
+"Not <i>or</i>, but <i>and</i>," replied the <span class="sc">Secretary
+of State for War</span>, with a simple
+dignity like that of <span class="sc">St. Augustine</span>.</p>
+<p>
+To poetry he is not greatly attached,
+preferring to leave this field of letters
+to his staff. When asked for his
+favourite passage of English verse he
+has indeed been known to cite a single
+line from Mr. <span class="sc">Hilaire Belloc's</span> <i>Modern
+Traveller</i>&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>"That marsh, that admirable marsh!"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+which is far from being Mr. <span class="sc">Belloc's</span>
+most mellifluous effort.</p>
+<p>
+We feel bound to ask what is most
+likely to be the next outlet for Mr.
+<span class="sc">Churchill's</span> ebullient activity. Remembering
+that bust upon his mantelpiece
+it is hard to say. There are some
+who consider that, prevented by the
+sluggishness of our times from the
+chance of commanding an army in the
+field, he may turn his strategic mind
+at last to the position of Postmaster-General.
+If he does there can be no
+man better fitted than he to make our
+telephones hum.</p>
+<p class="author">
+K.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+<blockquote><p>
+"A.&mdash;Comme vous voudrai.&mdash;P."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Agony Column in Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Taking advantage of "P.'s" kindness
+we may say that we prefer "<i>voudrez</i>."</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">A True Fishing Story</span>.
+
+Lady &mdash;&mdash; is surprising everyone with her
+skill as an angler and a shot. Last Friday, I
+am told, she caught two trout weighing 2&frac34; lb.
+and 3&frac14; lb. And on the same afternoon she got
+a right and a left hit at a roebuck with a small
+four-bore gun!"</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Not caring to believe that she mistook
+a roebuck for an elephant, we are glad
+to note that the epithet "true" is only
+applied to the "fishing" part of the
+story.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page383" id="page383"></a>[pg 383]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<a href="images/383.png"><img src="images/383-375.png" width="375" height="450" alt="THE  ABYSMALISTS." /></a>
+<h4>THE  ABYSMALISTS.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">British Extremist.</span> "WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Voice of Russian Bolshevist from below.</span> "DIGGING A GRAVE FOR THE BOURGEOISIE."</p>
+<p><span class="sc">British Extremist.</span> "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO; BUT HOW DO YOU  GET OUT?"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Voice from below.</span> "YOU DON'T."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page384" id="page384"></a>[pg 384]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/384.png"><img src="images/384-600.png" width="600" height="413" alt="Well, scarcely, Madam; shall we say 'soi-disant'" /></a>
+<p><i>French Visitor (inspecting artificial silk stockings).</i> "<span class="sc">Soie</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Shopman (formerly of the B.E.F., resourcefully).</i> "<span class="sc">Well, scarcely, Madam; shall we say 'soi-disant'</span>?"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>CONTEMPORARY FOLK-SONGS.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc">"The Grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze"</span>.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[The following folk-song is believed to be a
+local (and adult) version of the ballad which,
+according to <i>The Times</i>, is now being sung by
+Communist children in the Glasgow Proletarian
+Schools, with the refrain:&mdash;
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>"Class-conscious we are singing,</p>
+    <p class="i2">Class-conscious all are we,</p>
+  <p>For Labour now is digging</p>
+    <p class="i2">The grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+The metre is a bit jumpy, and so are the ideas,
+but you know what folk-songs are.]</p>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Look, we are digging a large round hole,</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!</i></p>
+  <p>To put the abominable tyrant in&mdash;</p>
+  <p>The Minister, the  Master, the  Mandarin;</p>
+  <p>And never a bloom above shall blow</p>
+  <p>But scarlet-runners in a row to show</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>That this is the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,</i></p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!</i></p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Who do we put in the large round hole,</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee?</i></p>
+  <p>The blackcoat, the parasite, the keeper of the laws,</p>
+  <p>Who works with his head instead of with his paws;</p>
+  <p>The doctor, the parson, the pressman, the mayor,</p>
+  <p>The poet and the barrister, they'll all be there,</p>
+    <p><i>Snug in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,</i></p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!</i></p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Dig, dig, dig, it will have to be big,</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!</i></p>
+  <p>One great cavity, and then one more</p>
+  <p>For the bones of the <span class="sc">Secret'ry of State for War</span>;</p>
+  <p>The editor, the clerk and, of course, old <span class="sc">Thomas</span>,</p>
+  <p>We wring their necks and we fling them from us</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,</i></p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!</i></p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Peace and Brotherhood, that's our line,</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!</i></p>
+  <p>But nobody, of course, can co-exist</p>
+  <p>In the same small planet with a Communist;</p>
+  <p>Man is a brotherhood, that we know,</p>
+  <p>And the whole damn family has got to go</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>Plomp in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,</i></p>
+      <p class="i4"><i>With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!</i></p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+  <p>Too many people are alive to-day,</p>
+    <p class="i2"><i>With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!</i></p>
+  <p>Red already is the Red, Red Sea</p>
+  <p>With the blood of the brutal Boorzh-waw-ze,</p>
+  <p>And that's what the rest of the globe will be&mdash;</p>
+        <p class="i8"><i>Believe me!</i></p>
+  <p>We'll stand at last with the Red Flag furled<sup>*</sup></p>
+  <p>In a perfectly void vermilion world</p>
+  <p>With the citizens (if any) who have <i>not</i> been hurled</p>
+  <p class="i2"><i>Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,</i></p>
+    <p class="i4"><i>With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i ... Honk, honk!</i></p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i24">A. P. H.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<p class="note">
+<sup>*</sup><span class="sc">Note.</span>&mdash;In the Somerset version the word
+is "<i>un</i>furled," which makes better sense but
+scans even worse than the rest of the song.
+I have therefore followed the Gloucestershire
+tradition.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page385" id="page385"></a>[pg 385]</span>
+
+<h3>SOURCES OF LAUGHTER.</h3>
+<p>
+"It will have to be a great deal
+funnier than that before it's funny,"
+said George.</p>
+<p>
+This represented the general opinion,
+though Edna, who has a good heart,
+professed to find it diverting already.
+Unfortunately she has no sense of
+humour.</p>
+<p>
+Jerry, the writer, claimed exemption
+on the ground of being the writer,
+though he did not see why his article
+should not remove gravity (as they say
+in <i>The Wallet of Kai Lung</i>) from other
+people quite as effectually as the silly
+tosh of A. and B. and C., naming some
+brilliant and successful humorists.</p>
+<p>
+The company then resolved itself into
+a Voluntary Aid Detachment.</p>
+<p>
+When they met again at tea Edna
+made the suggestion of a sprinkling of
+puns.</p>
+<p>
+"We've got rather beyond that, I
+think," said the victim with dignity.</p>
+<p>
+"I'm not so sure," said George
+cruelly, "that you can afford to neglect
+any means. Some people laugh at them
+even now, in this twentieth century,
+in this beautiful England of ours."</p>
+<p>
+"And I can tell you why," broke in
+Raymond eagerly. He took from his
+pocket a well-known Manual of Psychology
+and whirled over the pages.</p>
+<p>
+"Meanwhile," said George learnedly,
+"<span class="sc">Bergson</span> may be of some assistance
+to you. He knows all about laughter.
+He analysed it."</p>
+<p>
+"Why couldn't he leave it alone?"
+said Allegra uneasily.</p>
+<p>
+"He defines laughter," said George,
+"as 'a kind of social gesture.'"</p>
+<p>
+"It isn't," said Allegra rashly. "At
+least," she added, "that sort of thing
+isn't going to help Jerry. Do give it
+up."</p>
+<p>
+"Well, then, here's something more
+practical," said George. "Listen. 'A
+situation is always comical when it
+belongs at one and the same time to
+two series of absolutely independent
+events, and can at the same time be
+interpreted in two different ways.'"</p>
+<p>
+"I should think," said Edna brightly,
+"that might be very amusing."</p>
+<p>
+She remarked later that it made it
+all seem very clear, but even she showed
+signs of relief when Raymond interrupted,
+having found his place.</p>
+<p>
+"Here we are!" he exclaimed. "The
+book says that the reason a pun
+amuses you&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p>
+"It doesn't amuse me," said most of
+the company.</p>
+<p>
+"But it does&mdash;it must amuse you.
+It's all down here in black and white.
+Listen. The reason a pun amuses you
+is as follows: 'It impels the mind
+to identify objects quite disconnected.
+This obstructs the flow of thought;
+but this is too transient to give rise to
+pain, and the relief which comes with
+insight into the true state of the case
+may be a source of keen pleasure.
+Mental activity suddenly obstructed
+and so heightened is at once set free,
+and is so much greater than the occasion
+demands that&mdash;&mdash;'"</p>
+<p>
+"And is that why we laugh at
+things?" said Allegra sadly.</p>
+<p>
+The heavy silence which followed
+was broken by the voice of Mrs. Purkis,
+the charlady, who "comes in to oblige,"
+and was now taking a short cut to the
+front gate, under Cook's escort, by way
+of the parsley bed. This brought her
+within earshot of the party, who were
+taking tea on the lawn.</p>
+<p>
+When Mrs. Purkis could contain her
+mirth so as to make herself understood,
+her words were these: "I dunno why,
+but when I see 'im stand like that,
+staring like a stuck pig, I thought I'd
+died a-larf'n. I dunno why, but it
+made me <i>larf</i>&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p>
+She passed, like <i>Pippa</i>.</p>
+<p>
+"Listen to her," said Allegra in bitter
+envy. "<i>She doesn't know why.</i>"</p>
+<p>
+And Allegra burst into tears.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<a href="images/385.png"><img src="images/385-322.png" width="322" height="450" alt="An hour of ut now will do more good in five minutes than a month of ut would do in a week at anny other time." /></a>
+<p><i>The Fisherman.</i> "<span class="sc">I suppose this rain will do a lot of good, Pat</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Pat.</i> "<span class="sc">Ye may well say that, Sorr.  An hour of ut now will do more good
+in five minutes than a month of ut would do in a week at anny other time</span>."</p>
+</div><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>What's in a Name?</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"'A Recital' will be given by Miss H. E.
+Stutter (the well-known Elocutionist)."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Local Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page386" id="page386"></a>[pg 386]</span>
+
+<h3>AT THE BLOATER SHOW.</h3>
+<p>
+The last time I was at Olympia&mdash;as
+everybody says at the door&mdash;it was
+a Horse Show. But this time it is much
+the same. There they stand in their
+stalls, the dear, magnificent, patient
+creatures, with their glossy coats and
+their beautiful curves, their sensitive
+radiators sniffing for something over
+the velvet ropes. Panting, I know they
+are, to be out in the open again; and
+yet I fancy they enjoy it all in a way.
+It would be ungrateful if they did not;
+for, after all, the whole thing has been
+arranged for them. The whole idea of
+the Show is to let the motors inspect the
+bloaters&mdash;and not what you think. (You
+don't know what bloaters are? Well,
+I can't explain without being rude.)</p>
+<p>
+All the year round they can study <i>ad
+nauseam</i> their own individual bloaters;
+but this is the only occasion on which
+they have the whole world of bloaters
+paraded in front of them for inspection.
+Now only can they compare notes and
+exchange grievances.</p>
+<p>
+And how closely they study the
+parade! Here is a pretty limousine, a
+blonde; see how she watches the two
+huge exhibits in front of her. They
+are very new bloaters, and one of them&mdash;oh,
+horror!&mdash;one of them is going to
+buy. He has never bought before; she
+knows his sort. He will drive her to
+death; he may even drive her himself;
+he will stroke her lovely coat in a familiar,
+proprietary fashion; he will show
+her off unceasingly to other bloaters till
+she is hot all over and the water boils in
+her radiator. He will hold forth with
+a horrible intimacy and a yet more
+horrible ignorance on the most private
+secrets of her inner life. Not one
+throb of her young cylinders will be
+sacred, yet never will he understand
+her as she would like to be understood.
+He will mess her with his muddy boots;
+he will scratch her paint; he will drop
+tobacco-ash all over her cushions&mdash;not
+from pipes; cigars only....</p>
+<p>
+There&mdash;he has bought her. It is a
+tragedy. Let us move on.</p>
+<p>
+Here is a little <i>coupé</i>&mdash;a smart young
+creature with a nice blue coat, fond of
+town, I should say, but quite at home
+in the country. She also is inspecting
+two bloaters. But these two are very
+shy. In fact they are not really bloaters
+at all; they are rather a pair of nice-mannered
+fresh herrings, not long mated.
+The male had something to do with that
+war, I should think; the <i>coupé</i> would
+help him a good deal. The lady likes
+her because she is dark-blue. The other
+one likes her because of something to
+do with her works; but he is very
+reverent and tactful about it. He seems
+to know that he is being scrutinised,
+for he is nervous, and scarcely dares to
+speak about her to the groom in the
+top-hat. He will drive her himself; he
+will look after her himself; he will
+know all about her, all about her moods
+and fancies and secret failings; he will
+humour and coax her, and she will
+serve him very nobly.</p>
+<p>
+Already, you see, they have given her
+a name&mdash;"Jane," I think they said;
+they will creep off into the country
+with her when the summer comes, all
+by themselves; they will plunge into
+the middle of thick forests and sit down
+happily in the shade at midday and
+look at her; and she will love them.</p>
+<p>
+But the question is&mdash;&mdash;Ah, they
+are shaking their heads; they are edging
+away. She is too much. They look back
+sadly as they go. Another tragedy....</p>
+<p>
+Now I am going to be a bloater myself.
+Here is a jolly one, though her
+stable-name is much too long. She is
+a Saloon-de-Luxe, and she only costs
+£2,125 (why 5, I wonder&mdash;why not
+6?) I can run to that, <i>surely</i>. At
+any rate I can climb up and sit down
+on her cushions; none of the grooms is
+looking. Dark-blue, I see, like Jane.
+That is the sort of car I love. I am
+like the lady herring; I don't approve
+of all this talk about the <i>insides</i> of
+things; it seems to me to be rather
+indecent&mdash;unless, of course, you do it
+very nicely, like that young herring.
+When you go and look at a horse you
+don't ask how its sweetbread is arranged,
+or what is the principle of its liver.
+Then why should you...?</p>
+<p>
+Well, here we are, and very comfortable
+too. But why does none of these
+cars have any means of communication
+between the owner and the man next to
+the chauffeur? There is always a telephone
+to the chauffeur, but none to
+the overflow guest on the box. So that
+when the host sees an old manor-house
+which he thinks the guest hasn't noticed
+he has to hammer on the glass
+and do semaphore; and the guest thinks
+he is being asked if he is warm enough.</p>
+<p>
+Otherwise, though, this is a nice car.
+It is very cosy in here. Dark and quiet
+and warm. I could go to sleep in here.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+<p>
+What? What's that? No, I don't
+really want to buy it, thank you. I
+just wanted to see if it was a good
+sleeping-car. As a matter of fact I
+think it is. But I don't like the colour.
+And what I really want is a <i>cabriolet</i>.
+Good afternoon. Thank you....</p>
+<p>
+A pleasant gentleman, that. I wish
+I could have bought the Saloon. She
+would have liked me. So would he, I
+expect.</p>
+<p>
+Well, we had better go home. I
+shan't buy any more cars to-day. And
+we won't go up to the gallery; there is
+nothing but oleo-plugs and graphite-grease
+up there. That sort of thing
+spoils the romance.</p>
+<p>
+Ah, here is dear Jane again!    What
+a pity it was&mdash;&mdash; Hallo, they have
+come back&mdash;the two nice herrings.
+They are bargaining&mdash;they are beating
+him down. No, he is beating them up.
+Go on&mdash;go on. Yes, you can run to
+that&mdash;<i>of course</i> you can. Sell those oil
+shares. Look at her&mdash;<i>look</i> at her! You
+can't leave her here for one of the
+bloaters. He wavers; he consults.
+"Such a lovely colour." Ah, that's
+done it! He has decided. He has
+bought. She has bought. They have
+bought. Hurrah!</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+A. P. H.</p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>THE PREMIER'S METAPHORS.</h4>
+<p>
+Some time ago the <span class="sc">Premier</span> beheld
+the sunrise upon the mountains, and
+now he has plunged his thermometer
+into the lava to discover that the stream
+is cooling&mdash;indicating comfort, let us
+hope, to any who may be buried beneath
+it. Only by an oversight, we understand,
+did he omit to mention in his
+speech at the Guildhall that the chamois
+is once more browsing happily among
+the blooming edelweiss.</p>
+<p>
+But in continuing his lofty metaphors
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> will find himself
+confronted by no small difficulty when
+dealing with the glacier. What can he
+say that the glacier is doing? It must
+do something. A glacier is of no rhetorical
+value if it merely stays where it
+is. One may take in hand the ice-axe
+of resolution and the alpenstock of enterprise
+and pull over one's boots the
+socks of Coalition, but the glacier remains
+practically unchanged by these
+preparations. It would be of little use
+to declare that its uneven surface is
+being levelled by the steam-roller of
+progress and its crevasses filled in by
+the cement of human kindness, because
+the Opposition Press would soon get
+scientists, engineers and statisticians to
+establish the absurdity of such a claim.
+And to announce that the glacier is
+getting warmer would create no end of
+a panic among the homesteads in the
+valley. Unless he is very, very careful
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span> may make a grave
+slip in negotiating the glacier.</p>
+<p>
+Then the "awful avalanche" has not
+yet been dealt with. A few helpful
+words on the direction this is likely to
+take and the safest rock to make for
+when it begins to move might be welcomed
+by the <span class="sc">Premier's</span> followers. He
+may argue that it is folly to meet trouble
+half-way, but on the other hand, if
+he does not speak on this subject soon,
+the opportunity may disappear. Let
+him avoid the glacier if he chooses; he
+cannot (so we are informed) escape the
+avalanche.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page387" id="page387"></a>[pg 387]</span>
+
+<h4>TREATING UNDER PROHIBITION.</h4>
+
+<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" width="50%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img src="images/387-1-300.png" width="300" height="207" alt="Hello, old fright - Haven't seen you for ages!" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Hello, old fright&mdash;Haven't seen you for ages</span>!"</p>
+</div>
+	   </td>
+       <td width="50%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img src="images/387-2-300.png" width="300" height="207" alt="We must have one." /></a>
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">We must have one</span>."</p>
+</div>
+	   </td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" width="50%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img src="images/387-3-300.png" width="300" height="243" alt="What's yours?" /></a>
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">What's yours</span>?"&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;
+&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</p>
+<p class="center">"<span class="sc">Think I'll have a collar</span>." </p>
+</div>
+	   </td>
+       <td class="left" width="50%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img src="images/387-4-300.png" width="300" height="243" alt="Cheerio!" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Two collars, please&mdash;seventeens</span>."</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Cheerio</span>!"</p>
+</div>
+	   </td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon">
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img src="images/387-5-200.png" width="200" height="273" alt="Well, perhaps a soft one this time." /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Now you must have one with me. What about an evening shirt</span>?"</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">No, no, it's too early</span>."</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">The same again, then</span>?"</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Well, perhaps a soft one this time</span>."</p>
+</div>
+	   </td>
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img src="images/387-6-200.png" width="200" height="273" alt="Same again, please - only soft." /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Same again, please&mdash;only soft</span>."</p>
+</div>
+	   </td>
+       <td class="left" width="33%">
+	<div class="figcenter">
+<a href="images/387.png"><img src="images/387-7-200.png" width="200" height="273" alt="Bye-bye! See you again soon." /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Bye-bye! See you again soon</span>."</p>
+</div>
+	   </td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page388" id="page388"></a>[pg 388]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/388.png"><img src="images/388-600.png" width="600" height="430" alt="Well, you see, I'm not a beesness man." /></a>
+<p><i>Magistrate.</i> "<span class="sc">But, Mr. Goldstein, why do you have your house and
+your business in your wife's name</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Mr. Goldstein.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, you see, I'm not a beesness man</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE  SAYINGS   OF   BARBARA.</h3>
+<p>
+The man who sets out to expose
+popular fallacies or to confound time-honoured
+legends is bound to make
+enemies.</p>
+<p>
+The latest legend I have been privileged
+to explore is not the product
+of superstition and slow time, but a
+deliberately manufactured growth of
+comparatively recent origin. It is concerned
+with Barbara, not the impersonal
+lady who figures in the old logic-book
+doggerel, but an extremely live and
+highly illogical person to whom for
+half a decade I have had the honour to
+be father. It is also concerned with
+Barbara's Aunt Julia and, in a lesser
+degree, with Barbara's mother.</p>
+<p>
+From the time (just
+over three years ago)
+when Barbara first attempted
+articulate
+speech I have been
+bombarded with reports
+of the wonderful things
+my daughter has said.
+In the earlier years
+these diverting stories,
+for which Julia was
+nearly always cited as
+authority, reached me
+through the medium of
+the Field Post-Office,
+and, being still fairly
+new to fatherhood, I
+used proudly to retail
+them in Mess, until an
+addition was made to
+the rule relating to offences
+punishable by a
+round of drinks.</p>
+<p>
+On my brief visits
+home I would wait expectantly
+for the brilliant
+flashes of humour or of uncanny
+intelligence to issue from Barbara's lips,
+and her failure during these periods to
+sustain her reputation I was content to
+explain on the assumption that I came
+within the category of casual visitors.
+But I have now lived in my own home
+for over a year, and Barbara and I have
+become very well acquainted. She talks
+to me without restraint, and at times
+most engagingly, but seldom, if ever,
+does she give utterance in my hearing to
+a <i>jeu d'esprit</i> that I feel called upon to
+repeat to others. Nevertheless until a
+few days ago I was still constantly being
+informed&mdash;chiefly by Barbara's aunt
+and less frequently by her mother&mdash;of
+the "killing" things that child had been
+saying. I grew privately sceptical, but
+had no proof, and it was only by accident
+that I was at last enabled to prick
+the bubble.</p>
+<p>
+Julia (who besides being Barbara's
+aunt is Suzanne's sister) had come to
+tea and was chatting in the drawing-room
+with Suzanne (who besides being
+Julia's sister is Barbara's mother and
+my wife) and Barbara (whose relationship
+all round has been sufficiently
+indicated). The drawing-room door was
+open, and so was that of my study on
+the opposite side of the passage, where
+I was coquetting with a trifle of work.
+The conversation, which I could not
+help overhearing, was confined for the
+most part to Julia and Barbara, and ran
+more or less on the following lines:&mdash;</p>
+<p>
+<i>Julia.</i> Where's Father, Babs?</p>
+<p>
+<i>Barbara.</i> In the libery.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Julia.</i> Working hard, I suppose?</p>
+<p>
+<i>Barbara.</i> Yes.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Julia.</i> Or do you think he's sleeping?
+(<i>No answer.</i>) Don't you think
+father's probably asleep half the time
+he's supposed to be working?</p>
+<p>
+<i>Barbara.</i> Probly. What you got in
+that bag?</p>
+<p>
+<i>Julia.</i> I expect that big armchair he
+sits in is just a weeny bit too comfy for
+real work.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Barbara.</i> I've eated up all those
+choc'lates you did bring me.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Julia.</i> Perhaps we'll find some more
+presently. Do you think Father writes
+in his sleep?</p>
+<p>
+<i>Barbara.</i> Yes, I fink he does.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Julia.</i> Listen to her, Suzie. I expect
+really he only dreams he's working.
+Don't you, Babs?</p>
+<p>
+At this point I thought it advisable,
+for the sake of preserving the remnants
+of my parental authority, to come in to
+tea. Julia was handing Barbara a
+packet of chocolate, and greeted me
+with an arch inquiry as to whether I
+had been busy writing. I replied with
+a hearty affirmative.</p>
+<p>
+"You ought to hear what your
+daughter has been saying about you,"
+said Julia.</p>
+<p>
+"Oh, and what does Barbara say?"
+I asked.</p>
+<p>
+"She says that when Father sits in
+that stuffy little room of his he usually
+writes in his sleep. She really does
+take the most amazing notice of things,
+and the way she expresses herself is
+quite weird."</p>
+<p>
+"So Barbara says I write in my
+sleep?"</p>
+<p>
+"Yes, you heard her, didn't you,
+Suzie? Oh, and did I tell you that the
+other day, during that heavy thunderstorm,
+she said that the angels and the
+devils must be having a big battle and
+that she supposed the angels would
+soon be going over the
+top?"</p>
+<p>
+"Come here, Barbara,"
+I said.</p>
+<p>
+Barbara, who at her
+too fond aunt's request
+had been granted the
+privilege of taking tea
+in the drawing-room,
+stuffed the better half of
+a jam sandwich into her
+mouth and came.</p>
+<p>
+"Do you see those
+rich-looking pink
+cakes?" I asked her.
+"You shall have one as
+soon as we've had a
+little talk."</p>
+<p>
+"The biggest and
+pinkiest one?" demanded
+Barbara.</p>
+<p>
+"Yes. Now tell me&mdash;don't
+you think that
+people ought always to
+speak the truth, and to
+be especially careful not
+to distort the remarks of others?"</p>
+<p>
+"Yes. Can I have the one with the
+greeny thing on it?"</p>
+<p>
+"Certainly, in a minute. And don't
+you think that women are much more
+careless of the truth than men?"</p>
+<p>
+"Yes. Can I&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+<p>
+"Do you love your Aunt Julia?"</p>
+<p>
+"Yes."</p>
+<p>
+"Why?"</p>
+<p>
+"Cos she always has got choc'lates
+in her bag."</p>
+<p>
+"But don't you think it's much
+more important to have the truth in
+your heart than chocolates in your
+bag?"</p>
+<p>
+"Yes. Now can I have my pink
+cake?"</p>
+<p>
+I released and rewarded her, and
+Julia prepared to speak her mind.
+Fortunately, however, just at that
+moment my brother Tom, who is
+Barbara's godfather, came in.</p>
+<p>
+"Why, what a big girl we're getting!" <span class="pagenum"><a name="page389" id="page389"></a>[pg 389]</span>
+he observed to Barbara in his
+best godfatherly manner. "I suppose
+we shall soon be going to school?"</p>
+<p>
+"Oh, no, not yet awhile," I interposed.
+"The fact is she's already far
+too forward, and we think it a good
+thing to keep her back a bit. You'd
+never believe the amazing remarks she
+makes. Just now, for instance, we
+happened to be discussing the comparative
+love of truth inherent in men
+and women, and Barbara chipped in
+and told me she thought women were
+far more careless of the truth than
+men."</p>
+<p>
+"Good heavens!" said Tom, who is
+a bachelor by conviction. "She certainly
+hit the nail on the head there."</p>
+<p>
+"Yes, and she added that she herself
+prized truth above chocolates."</p>
+<p>
+"It sounds almost incredible," gasped
+Tom.</p>
+<p>
+"Doesn't it? But ask Julia; she
+heard it all. And Julia will also tell
+you what Barbara remarked about my
+work."</p>
+<p>
+But Julia, who was already gathering
+her furs about her, followed up an
+unusual silence by a sudden departure.</p>
+<p>
+From what Suzanne has since refrained
+from saying I am confident that
+I've broken the back of one more
+legend, and saved Barbara from the
+fate of having to pass the rest of her
+childhood living up (or down) to a
+spurious halo of precocity.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/389.png"><img src="images/389-590.png" width="590" height="449" alt="AN INCENTIVE TO VIRTUE." /></a>
+<h4>AN INCENTIVE TO VIRTUE.</h4>
+<p><i>Small Boy (much impressed).</i> "<span class="sc">The ticket-collector said 'Good evening' to dad</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Mother.</i> "<span class="sc">Yes, dear, he always does. And perhaps, if you're good, he'll say the same to you&mdash;when you've
+travelled on this line for twenty-five years</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+    "<span class="sc">Departure of the Lieut.-Governor.
+        Enthusiastic Scenes</span>."</p>
+<p class="author">
+    <i>Channel Islands Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Indeed, it is simple to understand why the
+Canadian portion of the audience almost rise
+from their seats when Fergus Wimbus, the
+'Man,' says, 'Canada is the land of big things,
+big thoughts, bing hopes."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Not forgetting the "Byng Boys" either.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>MUSICAL  CARETAKERS.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+["A <span class="sc">lady</span> is willing to give a thoroughly-good
+<span class="sc">Home</span> to a <span class="sc">Grand Piano</span> (German make
+preferred), also a <span class="sc">Cottage</span>, for anyone going
+abroad."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Morning Paper.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+A <span class="sc">Gramophone</span> of small to medium
+age can be received as p.g. in select <span class="sc">Residential
+Hotel</span>. Young, bright, musical
+society. Separate tables.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p>
+<span class="sc">Will</span> any <span class="sc">Lady</span> or <span class="sc">Gentleman</span> offer
+hospitality on the Cornish Riviera for
+the winter months to an <span class="sc">ex-service
+Cornet</span> suffering from chronic asthma (slight)?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p>
+<span class="sc">Bag-pipes</span> (sisters) in reduced circumstances
+owing to the War, seek sit. as
+<span class="sc">Companions</span> or <span class="sc">Mother's Helps</span>, town
+or country.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<p>
+From a list of forthcoming productions:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Theatre Royal</span>, &mdash;&mdash;. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Boo Early."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page390" id="page390"></a>[pg 390]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/390.png"><img src="images/390-600.png" width="600" height="422" alt="And how is your dear mother, to-day>" /></a>
+<p><i>Old Lady.</i> "<span class="sc">And how is your dear mother, to-day</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Child of the Period.</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, she's rotten</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>YARNS.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>When the docks are all deserted and the derricks all are still,</p>
+<p>And the wind across the anchorage comes singing sad and shrill,</p>
+<p>And the lighted lanthorns gleaming where the ships at anchor ride</p>
+<p>Cast their quivering long reflections down the ripple of the tide,</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Then the ships they start a-yarning, just the same as sailors do</p>
+<p>In a hundred docks and harbours from Port Talbot to Chefoo,</p>
+<p>Just the same as deep-sea sailormen a-meeting up and down</p>
+<p>In the bars and boarding-houses and the streets of Sailor-town.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Just the same old sort of ship-talk sailors always like to hear&mdash;</p>
+<p>Just the same old harbour gossip gathered in from far and near,</p>
+<p>In the same salt-water lingo sailors use the wide world round,</p>
+<p>From the shores of London river to the wharves of Puget Sound,</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>With a gruff and knowing chuckle at a spicy yarn or so,</p>
+<p>And a sigh for some old shipmate gone the way that all men go,</p>
+<p>And there's little need to wonder at a grumble now and then,</p>
+<p>For the ships must have their growl out, just the same as sailormen.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And they yarn along together just as jolly as you please,</p>
+<p>Lordly liner, dingy freighter rusty-red from all the seas,</p>
+<p>Of their cargoes and their charters and their harbours East and West,</p>
+<p>And the coal-hulk at her moorings, she is yarning with the best,</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Telling all the same tales over many and many a time she's told,</p>
+<p>In a voice that's something creaky now because she's got so old,</p>
+<p>Like some old broken sailorman when drink has loosed his tongue</p>
+<p>And his ancient heart keeps turning to the days when he was young.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Is it but the chuckling mutter of the tide along the buoys,</p>
+<p>But the creak of straining cables, but the night wind's mournful noise,</p>
+<p>Sighing with a rising murmur in among the ropes and spars,</p>
+<p>Setting every shroud and backstay singing shanties to the stars?</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>No, the ships they all are yarning, just the same as sailors do,</p>
+<p>Just the same as deep-sea sailors from Port Talbot to Chefoo,</p>
+<p>Yarning through the hours of darkness till the daylight comes again,</p>
+<p>But oh! the things they speak of no one knows but sailormen.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p class="i40">C. F. S.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page391" id="page391"></a>[pg 391]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/391.png"><img src="images/391-372.png" width="372" height="450" alt="WORTH A TRIAL." /></a>
+<h4>WORTH A TRIAL.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Ulsterman</span>. "HERE COMES A GIFT-HORSE FOR THE TWO OF US. WE'D BEST NOT
+LOOK HIM TOO CLOSE IN THE MOUTH."</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Southern Irishman</span>. "I'LL NOT LOOK AT HIM AT ALL."</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Ulsterman</span>. "OH, YOU'LL THINK MORE OF HIM WHEN YOU SEE THE WAY HE
+MOVES WITH ME ON HIS BACK."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+ <hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page393" id="page393"></a>[pg 393]</span>
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+<p>
+<i>Monday, November 8th.</i>&mdash;To allay
+the apprehensions of Sir <span class="sc">John Rees</span>
+the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> informed him that
+the League of Nations can do nothing
+except by a unanimous decision
+of the Council. As the
+League already includes thirty-seven
+nations, it is not expected
+that its decisions will
+be hastily reached. Now, perhaps,
+the United States may
+think better of its refusal to
+join a body which has secured
+the allegiance of Liberia and of
+all the American Republics
+save Mexico.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 220px;">
+<a href="images/393-1.png"><img src="images/393-1-200.png" width="200" height="280" alt="OBERLEUTNANT KENNWÜRDIG INSPECTS THE REICHSTAG" /></a>
+<h5>OBERLEUTNANT KENNWÜRDIG INSPECTS THE REICHSTAG</h5>
+<p class="left">(<span class="sc">in the imagination of General Croft</span>).</p>
+</div>
+
+<p>
+The daily demand for an
+impartial inquiry into Irish
+"reprisals" met with its daily
+refusal. The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+referred to "unfortunate incidents
+that always happen in
+war"&mdash;the first time that he
+has used this word to describe
+the situation in Ireland&mdash;and
+was confident that the sufferers
+were, with few exceptions (Mr.
+<span class="sc">Devlin</span>, who complained that
+his office had been raided, being
+one of them), "men engaged in a murderous
+conspiracy." He declined to hamper
+the authorities who were putting
+it down. Taking his cue from his chief,
+Sir <span class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</span> excused his lack
+of information about recent occurrences
+with the remark that "an officer cannot
+draw up reports while he is chasing assassins."
+Tragedy gave way to comedy
+when Lieutenant-Commander <span class="sc">Kenworthy</span>
+observed that the proceedings
+were "just like the German Reichstag
+during the War." "Were you there?"
+smartly interjected General <span class="sc">Croft</span>.</p>
+
+<p>
+The Government of Ireland Bill having
+been recommitted, Sir <span class="sc">Worthington
+Evans</span> explained the Government's
+expedient for providing the new Irish
+Parliaments with Second Chambers.
+Frankly admitting that the Cabinet had
+been unable to evolve a workable scheme&mdash;an
+elected Senate would fail to protect
+the minority and a nominated
+Senate would be "undemocratic"&mdash;he
+proposed that the Council of Ireland
+should be entrusted with the task.</p>
+
+<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;">
+<a href="images/393-2.png"><img src="images/393-2-300.png" width="300" height="264" alt="TWO BY TWO." /></a>
+<h4>"TWO BY TWO."</h4>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Sir E. Carson and Mr. Devlin</span>.</p>
+</div>
+<p>
+Having regard to the probable composition
+of the Council&mdash;half Sinn
+Feiners and half Orangemen&mdash;Colonel
+<span class="sc">Guinness</span> feared there was no chance
+of its agreeing unless most of them
+were laid up with broken heads or some
+other malady. Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>,
+however, in an unusually optimistic
+vein, expressed the hope that once
+the North was assured of not being
+put under the South and the South was
+relieved of British dictation they would
+"shake hands for the good of Ireland."
+The clause was carried by 175 to 31.</p>
+
+<div class="figleft" style="width: 200px;">
+<a href="images/393-3.png"><img src="images/393-3-200.png" width="200" height="279" alt="THE OLD SHEEP-DOG." /></a>
+<h4>THE OLD SHEEP-DOG.</h4>
+<p><i>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span>.</i> "<span class="sc">Tut-tut! To think that
+I could only round up ten of 'em</span>!"</p>
+</div>
+<p>
+On another new clause, providing for
+the administration of Southern Ireland
+in the event of a Parliament not being
+set up, Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> declared that "this
+musty remainder biscuit" had reduced
+him to "rhetorical poverty." Perhaps
+that was why he could get no more
+than ten Members to follow him into
+the Lobby against it.</p>
+
+<p>
+<i>Tuesday, November 9th.</i>&mdash;In supporting
+Lord <span class="sc">Parmoor's</span> protest against
+the arrest, at Holyhead, of an English
+lady by order of the Irish Executive,
+Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span> regretted that there
+was no one in the House of Lords responsible
+for the Irish Office, and consequently
+"they were always compelled
+to accept official answers." A strictly
+official answer was all he got from
+Lord <span class="sc">Crawford</span>, who declared that the
+arrest had been made under the authority
+of D.O.R.A., and gave
+their Lordships the surely otiose
+reminder that "conditions
+were not quite simple or normal
+in Ireland just now."</p>
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Shortt</span> has formed his
+style on the model of one of
+his predecessors in office, who
+used to be described as the
+Quite-at-Home Secretary, and
+he declined to share Colonel
+<span class="sc">Burn's</span> alarm at the prevalence
+of revolutionary speeches.
+Hyde Park, he reminded him,
+had always been regarded as a
+safety-valve for discontented
+people. Even Mr. <span class="sc">L'Estrange
+Malone's</span> recent reference to
+Ministers and lamp-posts did
+not at that moment disturb
+him.</p>
+<p>
+The new Ministry of Health
+Bill had a rather rough passage,
+and, if the voting had
+been in accordance with the
+speeches, it would hardly have secured
+a second reading. Particular objection
+was raised to the proposal to put the
+hospitals on the rates. Mr. <span class="sc">Myers</span>,
+however, was sarcastic at the expense
+of people who thought that "rates and
+taxes must be saved though the people
+perished," and declared that there was
+plenty of war wealth to be drawn upon.</p>
+<p>
+Lieut.-Colonel <span class="sc">Hurst</span> objected to the
+term "working-class" in the Bill. It<span class="pagenum"><a name="page394" id="page394"></a>[pg 394]</span>
+would encourage the Socialistic fallacy
+that the people of England were
+divided into two classes&mdash;the leisured
+class and the working class; whereas
+everybody knew that most of the
+"leisured class" had no leisure and
+many of the "working-class" did no
+work.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Wednesday, November 10th.</i>&mdash;The
+Peers welcomed Lord <span class="sc">Buxton</span> on his
+advancement to an earldom, and then
+proceeded to discuss the rights of the
+inhabitants of Heligoland. Having
+been handed over to Germany against
+their will in 1890, they hoped that the
+Treaty of Versailles would restore
+them to British nationality. On the
+contrary the Treaty has resulted in
+the island being swamped by German
+workmen employed in destroying
+the fortifications. Lord
+<span class="sc">Crawford</span> considered
+that the new electoral
+law requiring three years'
+residence would safeguard
+the islanders from
+being politically submerged,
+and wisely did
+not enter into the question
+of how long the island
+itself would remain
+after the fortifications
+had disappeared.</p>
+<p>
+In the Commons the
+<span class="sc">Indian Secretary</span> underwent
+his usual Wednesday
+cross-examination.
+He did not display quite
+his customary urbanity.
+When an hon. Member,
+whose long and distinguished
+Indian service
+began in the year in which
+Mr. <span class="sc">Montagu</span> was born,
+ventured to suggest that
+he should check Mr. <span class="sc">Gandhi's</span> appeals
+to ignorance and fanaticism, he tartly
+replied that ignorance and fanaticism
+were very dangerous things, "whether
+in India or on the benches of this
+House."</p>
+<p>
+Mr. <span class="sc">Stewart</span> expressed anxiety lest
+under the new arrangements with
+Egypt the Sudan water-supply should
+be subjected to Egyptian interference.
+Mr. <span class="sc">Harmsworth</span> was of opinion that
+for geographical reasons the Sudan
+would always be able to look after its
+own water-supply; <i>vide</i> the leading
+case of <i>Wolf</i> v. <i>Lamb</i>.</p>
+<p>
+<i>Thursday, November 11th.</i>&mdash;The
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> was in a more aggressive
+mood than usual. Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span>,
+who was noisily incredulous as to the
+existence of a Sinn Fein conspiracy
+with Germany in 1918, was advised to
+wait for the documents about to be published.
+To make things even, an ultra-Conservative
+Member, who urged the
+suspension of Mr. <span class="sc">Fisher's</span> new Act,
+was informed that the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+could conceive nothing more serious than
+that the nation should decide that it
+could not afford to give children a good
+education.</p>
+<p>
+Any doubts as to the suitability of
+Armistice Day for the Third Reading of
+the Government of Ireland Bill were
+removed by the tone of the debate.
+The possibility that the "Unknown
+Warrior" might have been an Irishman
+softened the feeling on both sides,
+and though Mr. <span class="sc">Adamson</span> feared that
+the Bill would bring Ireland not peace
+but a sword, and Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> appealed
+to the Government to substitute a
+measure more generous to Irish aspirations,
+there was no sting in either of
+their speeches. The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>,
+while defending his scheme as the best
+that could be granted in the present
+temper of Southern Ireland, did not
+bang the door against further negotiations;
+and Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span> said
+that Ulstermen were beginning to realize
+that the Parliament thrust upon
+them might be a blessing in disguise,
+and expressed the hope that in working
+it they would set an example of tolerance
+and justice to all classes. Barely
+a third of the House took part in the
+division, and no Irish Member voted for
+the Third Reading, which was carried by
+183 votes to 52; but, having regard to
+the influence of the unexpected in Irish
+affairs, this apparent apathy may be a
+good sign. After thirty-five years of
+acute strife, Home Rule for Ireland is,
+at any rate, no longer a party question.</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/394.png"><img src="images/394-600.png" width="600" height="397" alt="If you were thinkin' of eatin' it, speakin' as man to man, I should say 'No." /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Now, seriously, Mr. Wiggins, can you recommend the lamb
+this week</span>?"</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Well, Ma'am, it all depends what you want it for. If you
+were thinkin' of eatin' it, speakin' as man to man, I should
+say 'No.</span>'"</p>
+</div>
+
+ <hr />
+<p>
+Jones minor wants to know if the
+letter "T," used to designate the new
+super-bus, stands for "<span class="sc">Tarquinius</span>."</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>THE GREAT IDEA.</h3>
+<p>
+Perkins has got hold of a brilliant
+idea. He explained it to me in the
+Tube yesterday.</p>
+<p>
+"Our little world," he said, "is turned
+topsy-turvy."</p>
+<p>
+"Knocked absolutely sideways," I
+replied.</p>
+<p>
+"Those who were rich in the old
+days," said Perkins, "haven't two sixpences
+to rub together, and the world's
+workers are rolling in Royces and
+having iced méringues with every meal.
+What follows?"</p>
+<p>
+"Indigestion," I said promptly.</p>
+<p>
+"Everybody," he said, ignoring my
+<i>jeu d'esprit</i>, "feels like a fish out of
+water, and discontent is rife. The newly-poor
+man wishes he had in him the stuff
+of which millionaires are
+made, and the profiteer
+sighs for a few pints of
+the true ultramarine Norman
+blood, as it would
+be so helpful when dealing
+with valets, gamekeepers
+and the other
+haughty vassals of his
+new entourage. And
+that is where my scheme
+comes in. There are
+oceans of blue blood surging
+about in the veins
+and arteries of dukes and
+other persons who have
+absolutely no further use
+for such a commodity,
+and I'm sure lots of it
+could be had at almost
+less than the present
+price of milk. So what
+is to prevent the successful
+hosier from having
+the real stuff coursing through
+the auricles and ventricles of
+his palpitating heart, since transfusion
+is such a simple stunt nowadays?"</p>
+<p>
+"And I suppose," I said, "that you
+would bleed him first so as to make
+room for the new blood?"</p>
+<p>
+"There you touch the real beauty
+of my idea," said Perkins. "The plebeian
+sighs for aristocratic blood to
+enable him to hold his own in his novel
+surroundings; the aristocrat could do
+with a little bright red fluid to help him
+to turn an honest penny. So it is merely
+a case of cross-transfusion; no waste,
+no suffering, no weakness from loss of
+blood on either side."</p>
+<p>
+I gasped at the magnitude of the idea.</p>
+<p>
+"I'm drawing up plans," Perkins
+continued, "for a journal devoted to the
+matter, in which the interested parties
+can advertise their blood-stock for disposal,
+a sort of 'Blood Exchange and
+Mart.' The advertisements alone would
+pay, I expect, for the cost of production.<span class="pagenum"><a name="page395" id="page395"></a>[pg 395]</span>
+See," he said, handing me a slip of paper,
+"these are the sort of ads. we should
+get."</p>
+<p>
+This is what I read:&mdash;</p>
+<p>
+"Peer, ruined by the War, would sell
+one-third of arterial contents for cash,
+or would exchange blood-outfits with
+successful woollen manufacturer.&mdash;5016
+Kensington Gore, W.</p>
+<p>
+"To War Profiteers. Several quarts of
+the real cerulean for disposal. Been in
+same family for generations. Pedigree
+can be inspected at office of advertiser's
+solicitor. Cross-transfusion not objected
+to. Address in first instance,
+<span class="sc">Bart</span>., 204, Bleeding Heart Yard, E.C.</p>
+<p>
+"Public School and University Man of
+Plantagenet extraction would like to
+correspond with healthy Coal Miner
+with view to cross-transfusion. Would
+sell soul for two shillings.&mdash;A. <span class="sc">Vane-Bludyer</span>,
+135, Down (and Out) Street,
+West Kensington, W."</p>
+<p>
+"Makes your blood run cold," I said,
+handing back the paper.</p>
+<p>
+"Not it," he said, detaching himself
+from the strap as the train drew into
+King's Cross; "not if the operation's
+properly performed."</p>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h3>A TRAGEDY IN BIRDLAND.</h3>
+
+<h5>I.</h5>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Percy is a partridge bold</p>
+<p>Who in Autumn, so I'm told,</p>
+<p>Dwells among the turnip roots</p>
+<p>And assists at frequent shoots,</p>
+<p>Really I have seldom heard</p>
+<p>Of a more precocious bird;</p>
+<p>Possibly his landlord's not</p>
+<p>What you'd call a first-rate shot,</p>
+<p>And his pals, though jolly chaps,</p>
+<p>Are not quite so good perhaps;</p>
+<p>Still, he thinks their aim so trashy</p>
+<p>That, I fear, he's getting rash. He</p>
+<p>Even perches on the end</p>
+<p>Of the gun my poor old friend</p>
+<p>Bill employs for killing game.</p>
+<p>True he's very blind and lame,</p>
+<p>And he's well beyond the span</p>
+<p>Meted out to mortal man,</p>
+<p>And his gout is getting worse</p>
+<p>(Meaning Bill, of course, not Perce);</p>
+<p>Still, if he won't mend his ways,</p>
+<p>One of these fine Autumn days</p>
+<p>I'm afraid there's bound to be</p>
+<p>Quite an awful tragedy.</p>
+<p>He'll be shot&mdash;I'm sure he will</p>
+<p>(Meaning Percy now, not Bill).</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+<h5>II.</h5>
+
+<div class="poem1">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Weep, ye lowering rain-swept skies!</p>
+<p>In the dust our hero lies.</p>
+<p>Weeping-willow, bow thy head!</p>
+<p>Our precocious fowl is dead.</p>
+<p>Sigh, thou bitter North Wind, for</p>
+<p>Perce the Partridge is no more!</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Now, as long as he was ready</p>
+<p>Just to sit, sedate and steady,</p>
+<p>On the barrel of the gun</p>
+<p>Little mischief could be done;</p>
+<p>But on that sad morn a whim</p>
+<p>Suddenly seized hold of him;</p>
+<p>'Twas the lunatic desire</p>
+<p>To observe how shot-guns fire;</p>
+<p>So he boldly took his stand</p>
+<p>Where the barrel ended, and,</p>
+<p>All agog to solve the puzzle,</p>
+<p>Poked his napper up the muzzle.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, the weapon at the minute</p>
+<p>Chanced to have a cartridge in it,</p>
+<p>And it happened that my friend</p>
+<p>Bill was at the other end,</p>
+<p>Who with calm unflurried aim</p>
+<p>Failed (at last) to miss the game.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>With the tragic tale of Percy's</p>
+<p>Death I meant to close these verses,</p>
+<p>But we see quite clearly there, too,</p>
+<p>Other ills that Bird is heir to.</p>
+<p>He has also lost, you see,</p>
+<p>Individuality;</p>
+<p>Perce the Partridge, named and known,</p>
+<p>With an ego all his own,</p>
+<p>Disappears; and in his place</p>
+<p>There remains but "half-a-brace."</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 450px;">
+<a href="images/395.png"><img src="images/395-360.png" width="360" height="448" alt="Potman. 'Well, it was a bob, but they mostly sneaked out through that door.'" /></a>
+<p><i>New Landlord.</i> "<span class="sc">George, billiards will be eighteenpence a hundred</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Potman.</i> "<span class="sc">That's more'n they paid before, Sir</span>."</p>
+<p><i>New Landlord.</i> "<span class="sc">What did they pay</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Potman.</i> "<span class="sc">Well, it <i>was</i> a bob, but they mostly sneaked out through that
+door.</span>"</p>
+</div>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h4>Situations to Suit all Ages.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Lady-Typist (aged 1920) required for invoicing
+department of West End wholesale
+firm."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i></p>
+<p>
+"Wanted, capable Person, about 3 years of
+age, to undertake all household duties, country
+residence."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Scottish Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+ <hr />
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc"><b>Dick Whittington</b></span>, 1920.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+And, last of all, here is Dick WPhittington,
+otherwise known as Alderman Roll, Lord
+Mayor of London."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+But for the headline we should never
+have recognised him.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page396" id="page396"></a>[pg 396]</span>
+
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/396.png"><img src="images/396-600.png" width="600" height="354" alt="I hope to heaven I've got the labels on the right sticks, or I'm done!" /></a>
+<p><i>The Beginner.</i> "<span class="sc">I hope to heaven I've got the labels on the right sticks, or I'm done</span>!"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>BEAU BRIMACOMBE.</h3>
+<p>
+"Well, Uncle Tom," I said, leaning
+over the gate, "and what did you think
+of London?"</p>
+<p>
+On Monday morning Uncle Tom
+Brimacombe had driven off in his trap
+with his wife to the nearest station,
+five miles away, and had gone up to
+London for the first time in his life,
+"to see about a legacy."</p>
+<p>
+"Lunnon! mai laife. It's a vaine
+plaace. Ai used 'think Awkeyampton
+was a big town, but ai'm barmed if
+Lunnon dawn't beat un.</p>
+<p>
+"As you knaw, Zur, us 'ad to get up
+and gaw off 'bout three in th' morn'n,
+and us got upalong Lunnon 'bout tain.
+Well, the waife knew 'er waay 'bout,
+laike; 'er 's bin to Plymouth 'fore now.
+Zo when us gets out of the traain us
+gaws inzaide a sort er caage what taakes
+us down a 'awl in the ground. Ai was
+fraightened out 'me laife. 'Yer,' ai sez,
+'wur be us gwaine then?'</p>
+<p>
+"'Dawn'ee axno questions, me dyur,'
+sez the waife, 'or ai'll vorget ahl what
+the guard in the traain tawld us.'</p>
+<p>
+"Well, baimbai the caage stops gwaine
+down and us gets out, and ai'm blawed
+if us wadn't in a staation ahl below the
+ground! Then a traain comes out of
+anither 'awl, and befwer us 'ad zat down
+proper inzaide un, 'er was off agaain,
+'thout waitin' vur watter nor noth'n'.
+Well, we zat us down and thur was
+tu little maids a-vaacin' us what 'adn'
+mwer'n lef' school a yer'tu, and naw
+zinner do they zet eyes on me than one
+of 'n whispers zimmat to tither and they
+bawth starts gazin' at my 'at and laaf'n'.</p>
+<p>
+"Well, ai stid it vur some taime and
+at laast ai cuden' a-bear it naw longer,
+so ai says to the waife, 'Fur whai they'm
+laaf'n' then? What's wrong wi' my
+'at?'</p>
+<p>
+"'Dawn'ee taake naw nawtice of
+they,' 'er says. 'The little 'uzzies ought
+to be at 'awm look'n' aafter the chicken,
+'staid of gallivantin' about ahl bai thursalves.
+Yure 'at's all raight.'</p>
+<p>
+"Ai was wear'n' me awld squeer
+brown bawlerat what ai wears to Laanson
+market on Zat'dys.</p>
+<p>
+"Well, zune us gets out, though ai
+caan't tall'ee whur tu 'twas, and ai
+caan't tall'ee what us did nither, vur
+me 'aid was gwaine round an' round
+and aachin' vit to burst. But us vound
+the plaace us was aafter and saigned
+ahl the paapers wur the man tawld us
+tu. Then, when us gets outsaide, the
+waife, 'er says, 'Look'ee, me dyur,
+thur's a bit of graass and some trees;
+us'll gawn zit down awver there and
+eat our paasties.'</p>
+<p>
+"Maighty pwer graass 'twas tu, but
+thur was seats, so us ait our paasties
+thur, and us bawth started crai'in when
+us bit into un. They zort 'er taasted
+of 'awm, laike.</p>
+<p>
+"Then ahl't once the waife, 'er says,
+'Pon mai word, thur's a man taak'n
+our vottygraff.' And thur 'e was, tu,
+with a black tarpaulin awver 'is 'aid!
+'Come away, me dyur,' says she;
+'ai'm not gwaine to paay vur naw
+vottygraffs. Ai 'ad one done at Laanson
+'oss shaw when ai was a gal, and
+it faaded clean away insaide a twelve-month.'
+Zo us gaws back along the
+staation agaan and comes 'awm just in
+taime to get the cows in.</p>
+<p>
+"Well, next evenin' ai went down
+along 'The Duke' to tall 'em ahl 'bout
+Lunnon, but when ai gets insaide they
+ahl starts shout'n' and bangin' thur
+mugs and waav'n the paaper at me.
+'What's come awver yu?' ai axes un;
+'yume ahl gone silly then?'</p>
+<p>
+"'Theym bin and put yure vottygraff
+in the paaper, Uncle,' says John Tonkin,
+and 'awlds un out vur me to look. And
+thur, sure 'nuff, 'twas, with the waife
+in tu! So ai gets un to let me cut'n
+out and keep'n. Yur 'tis if 'eed laike
+to see un."</p>
+<p>
+Uncle Tom fumbled in his pocket,
+drew out a cutting and handed it to me.
+There surely enough was a photo of
+him and "the waife," sitting on a public
+garden-seat eating pasties and underneath
+the legend&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<h4>"SUITS YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE.</h4>
+
+<p>
+An old couple snapped in Hyde Park.
+The gentleman, smart though elderly,
+is seen wearing a brown model of <i>The
+Daily Mail</i> hat."</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page397" id="page397"></a>[pg 397]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<a href="images/397.png"><img src="images/397-382.png" width="382" height="450" alt="AFTER THE BALL." /></a>
+<h4>AFTER THE BALL.</h4>
+<p>"<i>The Spirit of Jazz.</i>" "<span class="sc">Taxi</span>!"</p>
+<p><i>Taxi-Driver.</i> "<span class="sc">Sorry, Sir&mdash;Ole Nick 'as just copped me</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h4>THE CYNOSURE.</h4>
+<p>
+Among the passengers on the boat
+was a tall dark man with a black moustache
+and well-cut clothes who spent
+most of his time walking the deck or
+reading alone in his chair. Every ship
+has such recluses, who often, however,
+are on the fringe of several sets, although
+members of none. But this man remained
+apart and, being so determined
+and solitary, he was naturally the subject
+of comment and inquiry, even more
+of conjecture. His name was easy to
+discover from the plan of the table, but
+we knew no more until little Mrs. King,
+who is the best scout in the world,
+brought the tidings.</p>
+<p>
+"I can't tell you much," she began
+breathlessly; "but there's something
+frightfully interesting. Colonel Swift
+knows all about him. He met him
+once in Poona and they have mutual
+friends. And how do you think he described
+him? He says he's the worst
+liver in India."</p>
+<p>
+There is no need to describe the sensation
+created by this piece of information.
+If the man had set us guessing
+before, he now excited a frenzy of
+curiosity. The glad news traversed the
+ship like wind, brightening every eye;
+at any rate every female eye. For,
+though the good may have their reward
+elsewhere, it is beyond doubt that, if
+public interest is any guerdon, the bad
+get it on earth.</p>
+<p>
+Show me a really bad man&mdash;dark-complexioned,
+with well-cut clothes and
+a black moustache&mdash;and I will show
+you a hero; a hero a little distorted, it is
+true, but not much the less heroic for
+that. Show me a notorious breaker of
+male hearts and laws and&mdash;so long as
+she is still in business&mdash;I will show you
+a heroine; again a little distorted, but
+with more than the magnetism of the
+virtuous variety.</p>
+<p>
+For the rest of the voyage the lonely
+passenger was lonely only because he preferred
+to be, or was unaware of the agitation
+which he caused. People walked
+for hours longer than they liked or even
+intended in order to have a chance of
+passing him in his chair and scrutinising
+again the features that masked such
+depravity. For that they masked it
+cannot be denied. A physiognomist
+looking at him would have conceded a
+certain gloom, a trend towards introspection,
+possibly a hypertrophied love
+of self, but no more. Physiognomists,
+however, can retire from the case, for
+they are as often wrong as hand-writing
+experts. And if any Lavater had
+been on board and had advanced such
+a theory he would have been as unpopular
+as <span class="sc">Jonah</span>, for the man's wickedness
+was not only a joy to us but a support.
+Without it the voyage would
+have been interminable.</p>
+<p>
+What, we all wondered, had he done?
+Had he murdered as well as destroyed so
+many happy homes? Was he crooked
+at cards? Our minds became acutely
+active, but we could discover no more
+because the old Colonel, the source of
+knowledge, had fallen ill and was invisible.</p>
+<p>
+Meanwhile the screw revolved, sweepstakes
+were lost and won, deck sports
+flourished, fancy-dress dances were held,
+concerts were endured, a Colonial Bishop
+addressed us on Sunday mornings and
+the tall dark man with the black moustache
+and different suits of well-cut
+clothes sat in his chair and passed
+serenely from one <span class="sc">Oppenheim</span> to another
+as though no living person were
+within leagues.</p>
+<p>
+It was not until we were actually in
+port that the Colonel recovered and I
+came into touch with him. Standing
+by the rail we took advantage of the
+liberty to speak together, which on a
+ship such propinquity sanctions. After
+we had exchanged a few remarks about
+the clumsiness of the disembarking
+arrangements I referred to the man of
+mystery and turpitude, and asked for
+particulars of some of his milder
+offences.</p>
+<p>
+"Why do you suppose him such a
+blackguard?" he asked.</p>
+<p>
+"But surely&mdash;&mdash;" I began, a little
+disconcerted.</p>
+<p>
+"He's a man," the Colonel continued,
+"that everyone should be sorry
+for. He's a wreck, and he's going home
+now probably to receive his death sentence."</p>
+<p>
+This was a promising phrase and I
+cheered up a little, but only for a moment.</p>
+<p>
+"That poor devil," said the Colonel,
+"as I told Mrs. King earlier in the voyage,
+has the worst liver in India."</p>
+
+<p class="author">
+E. V. L.</p>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page398" id="page398"></a>[pg 398]</span>
+
+
+<h3>A VACILLATING POLICY.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>A Warning against dealing with Disreputable Companies.</i>)</p>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>When the Man of Insurance made his rounds</p>
+<p>I "covered" my house for a thousand pounds;</p>
+<p>Then someone started a fire in the grounds</p>
+  <p class="i2">At the end of a wild carouse.</p>
+<p>The building was burnt; I made my claim</p>
+<p>And the Man of Insurance duly came.</p>
+          <p class="i10">Said he, "Always</p>
+          <p class="i10">Our Company pays</p>
+  <p class="i2">Without any fuss or grouse;</p>
+<p>But your home was rotted from drains to flues;</p>
+<p>I therefore offer you as your dues</p>
+<p>Seven hundred pounds or, if you choose,</p>
+  <p class="i2">A better and brighter house."</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>I took the money; I need not say</p>
+<p>What abuse I hurled at his head that day;</p>
+<p>But, when he began in his artful way</p>
+  <p class="i2">To talk of Insurance (Life),</p>
+<p>And asked me to take out a policy for</p>
+<p>My conjugal partner, my <i>cordium cor</i>,</p>
+          <p class="i10">"No, no," said I,</p>
+          <p class="i10">"If my spouse should die</p>
+  <p class="i2">We should enter again into strife;</p>
+<p>You would come and say at the funeral, 'Sir,</p>
+<p>Your wife was peevish and plain; for her</p>
+<p>I offer six hundred or, if you prefer,</p>
+  <p class="i2">A better and brighter wife.'"</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>THE HAPPY GARDENER.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>Extracts from a Synthetic Diary à la mode.</i>)</p>
+<p>
+<i>November 11th.</i>&mdash;Now is the time to plant salsify, or the
+vegetable oyster, as it has been aptly named from its crustacean
+flavour so dear to herbaceous boarders. This may
+be still further accentuated by planting it in soil containing
+lime, chalk or other calcareous or sebaceous deposits.</p>
+<p>
+Hedgehogs are now in prime condition for baking, but it
+is desirable to remove the quills before entrusting the animal
+to the oven. But the hedgehog cannot be cooked until he
+is caught, and his capture should not be attempted without
+strong gloves. Those recently invented by Lord <span class="sc">Thanet</span>
+are far the best for the purpose. It is a moot point among
+culinary artists whether the hedgehog should be served <i>en
+casserole</i>  or in <i>coquilles</i>; but these are negligible details
+when you are steeped in the glamour of pale gold from a
+warm November sun, and mild air currents lag over the level
+leagues where the water is but slightly crimped and the
+alighting heron is lost among the neutral tints that envelop
+him....</p>
+<p>
+Though the sun's rays are not now so fervent as they
+were in the dog-days, gardening without any headgear is
+dangerous, especially in view of the constant stooping. For
+the protection of the <i>medulla</i> nothing is better than the
+admirable hat recently placed on the market by the benevolent
+enterprise of a great newspaper. But an effective
+substitute can be improvised out of a square yard of linoleum
+lined with cabbage-leaves and fastened with a couple of
+safety-pins.</p>
+<p>
+As the late Sir <span class="sc">Andrew Clark</span> remarked in a luminous
+phrase, Nature forgives but she never forgets. The complete
+gardener should always aim (unlike the successful
+journalist) at keeping his head cool and his feet warm; and
+here again the noble enterprise of a newspaper has provided
+the exact <i>desideratum</i> in its happily-named Corkolio detachable
+soles, which are absolutely invaluable when roads
+are dark and ways are foul, when the reeds are sere, when
+all the flowers have gone and the carrion-crow from the
+vantage of a pollard utters harsh notes of warning to all the
+corvine company round about....</p>
+<p>
+Shod with Corkolio the happy gardener can defy these
+sinister visitants and ply the task of "heeling over" broccoli
+towards the north with perfect impunity.</p>
+<p>
+The ravages of stag-beetles, a notable feature of late
+seasons, and probably one of the indirect but none the less
+disastrous results of the Land Valuation policy of the <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span>, can be kept down by leaving bowls of caviare
+mixed with molasses in the places which they most frequent.
+This compound reduces them speedily to a comatose condition,
+in which they can be safely exterminated with the
+aid of the patent hot-air pistolette (price five guineas) recently
+invented by a director of one of the journals already
+alluded to.</p>
+<p>
+But <i>tout lasse, tout casse, tout passe</i>; and while the kingfisher
+turns his sapphire back in the sun against the lemon-yellow
+of the willow leaves, and the smouldering russet of
+the oak-crowns succeeds to the crimson of the beeches and
+the gold of the elms, we shall do well to emulate the serene
+magnanimity of Nature and console ourselves with the reflection
+that the rural philosopher, if only assured of a sympathetic
+hearing in an enlightened Press and provided with
+a suitable equipment by the ingenuity of its directors, may
+contemplate the vagaries of tyrannical misgovernment with
+fortitude and even felicity.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>A SARTORIAL TRAGEDY.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+["To be fashionable one must have the waist so narrow that there
+is a strain upon the second button when the jacket is fastened."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Note on Men's Dress.</i>]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>Garbed in the very height and pink of fashion,</p>
+  <p class="i2">To-day I sallied forth to greet my fair,</p>
+<p>Nursing within my ardent heart a passion</p>
+  <p class="i2">I long had had a craving to declare;</p>
+<p>Being convinced that never would there fall so</p>
+  <p class="i2">Goodly a chance again, I mused how she</p>
+<p>Was good and kind and beautiful, and also</p>
+      <p class="i6">Expecting me to tea.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>And after tea I stood before her, feeling</p>
+  <p class="i2">Now was the moment when the maid would melt,</p>
+<p>My buttoned jacket helpfully revealing</p>
+  <p class="i2">The graces of a figure trimly svelte,</p>
+<p>But, all unworthy to adorn a poet</p>
+  <p class="i2">Who'd bought it for a fabulous amount,</p>
+<p>Just as I knelt to put the question, lo, it</p>
+      <p class="i6">Popped on its own account.</p></div>
+<div class="stanza">
+<p>The button, dodging my attempts to hide it,</p>
+  <p class="i2">Rolled to her very feet and rested there,</p>
+<p>And when I laid my loving heart beside it</p>
+  <p class="i2">She only smiled at that incongruous pair&mdash;</p>
+<p>Smiled, then in contrite pity for the gloomy</p>
+  <p class="i2">Air that I wore of one whose chance is gone,</p>
+<p>Promised that she would be a sister to me</p>
+      <p class="i6">And sew the button on.</p>
+</div>
+</div>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h4>A Test of Endurance.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The dancing will commence at 9 p.m. and conclude at 2 p.m.
+Anyone still wanting tickets may procure same at the Victoria."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>East African Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+For ourselves, after seventeen hours' continuous dancing,
+we shall not want any more tickets.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+From a parish magazine:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"A nation will not remain virulent which destroys the barriers
+which protect the Sunday."
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+We are all for protecting the Sunday, but we don't want
+to remain virulent. It is a terrible dilemma.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page399" id="page399"></a>[pg 399]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/399.png"><img src="images/399-600.png" width="600" height="413" alt="Situation: Burglar caught red-handed." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Situation</span>: <i>Burglar caught red-handed.</i></p>
+<p><i>Woman.</i> "<span class="sc">The sorce o' the feller! 'E pretended to be me 'usband and called out, 'It's all right, darlin'&mdash;it's
+only me.' It was the word 'darlin'' wot give 'im away</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<p class="center">(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</p>
+<p>
+In looking at the title-page of <i>John Seneschal's Margaret</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>) no lover of good stories but will
+be saddened by the reflection that the superscription, "by
+<span class="sc">Agnes</span> and <span class="sc">Egerton Castle</span>," is there seen for the last
+time. The double signature, herald of how much pleasure
+in the past, is here attached to a cheerfully improbable but
+well-told tale of the after-war about a returned soldier who
+was mistaken for his dead fellow-prisoner and hailed as son,
+heir and <i>fiancé</i>  by the different members of the welcoming
+group in the home that wasn't his. The descriptions of
+this home, by the way&mdash;a house whose identification will
+be easy enough for those who know the beautiful North-Dorset
+country&mdash;are as good as any part of the book. If you
+protest that the resulting situation is not only wildly improbable
+but becoming a stock-in-trade of our novelists, I
+must admit the first charge, but point out that the authors
+here secure originality by making the deception an unintended
+one. <i>John Tempest</i>,  who in the hardships of his
+escape has lost memory of his own identity, never ceases
+to protest that he is at least not the other <i>John</i> for whom
+the members of the <i>Seneschal</i> family persist in taking him&mdash;a
+twist that makes for piquancy if hardly for added probability.
+However, the inevitable solution of the problem
+provides a story entertaining enough, though not, I think,
+one that will obliterate your memory of others, incomparable,
+from hands to which we all owe a debt of long enjoyment.</p>
+<p>
+I read <i>Inisheeny</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>), as I believe I have read
+every story by the same hand, at one sitting. Whose was
+the hand I will ask you to guess. Characters: one Church
+of Ireland parson, drily humorous, as narrator; one lively
+heroine with archæological father, hunting for relics; one
+schoolboy; one young and over-zealous R.I.C. officer on the
+look-out for concealed arms; poachers, innkeepers, peasants,
+etc. Action, mostly amphibious, passes between the mainland
+of Western Ireland and a small islet off the coast.
+Will the gentleman who said "<span class="sc">George A. Birmingham</span>"
+kindly consider himself entitled to ten nuts? I suppose it
+was the mention of an islet that finally gave away my simple
+secret. Mr. "<span class="sc">Birmingham</span>" is one of the too few authors
+who understand what emotion an island of the proper size
+and right distance from the coast can raise in the human
+breast. <i>Inisheeny</i> delightfully fulfilled every condition in
+this respect; not to mention sheltering an illicit still and
+being the home of Keltic treasure. Precisely in fact the
+right kind of place, and the sort of story that hardly anyone
+can put down unfinished. I am bound to add that,
+perhaps a hundred pages from the actual end, the humour
+of the affair seems to lose spontaneity and become forced.
+But till the real climax of the tale, the triumphant return
+of the various hunters from <i>Inisheeny</i>,  I can promise
+that you will find never a dull page.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+There were moments in <i>The Headland</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>)
+when, with <i>Roma Lennox</i>, the "companion" and heroine, I
+"shivered, feeling that London, compared with the old
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page400" id="page400"></a>[pg 400]</span>
+house on the Headland and the family inhabiting it, was a
+clean place with a clear atmosphere and inhabited by
+robust, sane, straightforward persons. You felt homesick."
+Cornwall is notoriously inhabited by queer people, and the
+<i>Pendragon</i> family was not merely queer but hereditarily
+rotten and decadent: the old father, who burns a valuable
+old book of his own to appease his violent temper; the
+granddaughter a kleptomaniac; the son of forty addicted to
+hideous cruelties. Unpleasant but well drawn, all of them.
+Mrs. <span class="sc">C. A. Dawson Scott</span> has powerfully suggested the
+atmosphere of the strange and tragic household, mourning
+its dead mistress; and she understands the peculiar quality
+of the Cornish people and the Cornish seas. I have not read
+her other novels, but, if she will promise to wrestle with
+one or two rather irritating mannerisms, I will promise to
+look out for her next one. I have no prejudice against the
+Wellsian triplet of dots, but really Mrs. Scott does overdo
+it. And a good deal of her quite penetrating psycho-thingummy
+was spoiled for me by her trick of conveying
+nearly every impression
+and reflection of
+her characters through
+an impersonal "you"
+or "one." This means
+an economy of words
+and for a short time a
+certain vividness, but it
+soon becomes tedious.
+One knows what a
+tangle you get into if
+one starts using "one's"
+and "you's" in your
+letters; and you find
+that the author has
+been caught once or
+twice. However, the
+story is good enough
+to survive that.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+The title of <i>The Lady
+of The Lawn</i> (<span class="sc">Jenkins</span>)
+has "the ornament of
+alliteration," but beyond
+that there doesn't
+seem to be any particular
+reason why Mr. W. <span class="sc">Riley</span> should have chosen it.
+Certainly in his story there is an old lady who spends
+more of the winter on a lawn than any old lady of my
+acquaintance could be induced to, even with rugs and a
+summer-house to make up for the comforts of the fireside;
+but <i>Miss Barbara</i> and her site really have not so much to
+do with the tale as its title seems to imply. The love affairs
+of a young officer who, while blind from wounds, fell in love
+with his nurse to the extent of becoming engaged to her
+and didn't recognise her when they met again, are Mr.
+<span class="sc">Riley's</span> real concern. <i>Eric</i>, who is quite as priggish as his
+name suggests, falls in love with his sweetheart, as a lady
+of leisure, all over again, and goes through agonies of remorse
+on account of his own faithlessness to her as a nurse.
+<i>Marion</i> or <i>Constance</i>, for she uses two names to help the
+confusion, lets him suffer a while for the good of his soul,
+but the happy ending, the promise of which is breathed
+from every line of the book, is duly brought about. His
+publisher asserts that "there is no living author who writes
+about Yorkshire as does Mr. <span class="sc">Riley</span>." I daresay he is quite
+right, but at least as far as the present book is concerned I
+don't think that I should have bothered to mention it.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+Those&mdash;and I suspect they are many&mdash;whose first real
+enthusiasm for <span class="sc">Abraham Lincoln</span> was kindled by Mr. <span class="sc">John
+Drinkwater's</span> romantic morality play can profitably take
+up Mr. <span class="sc">Irving Bacheller's</span> <i>A Man for the Ages</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>)
+for an engaging account of the early days of the great
+Democrat. They will forgive a certain flamboyance about
+the author's preliminaries. Hero-worship, if the hero be
+worthy, is a very pardonable weakness, and they should
+certainly admire the skill and humour with which he has
+patched together, or invented where seemly, the story of
+lanky <span class="sc">Abe</span>, with his axeman's skill, his immense physical
+strength, his poor head for shopkeeping, his passion for
+books, his lean purse and "shrinking pants," his wit, courage
+and resource. A romance of reasonable interest and plausibility
+is woven round young Lincoln's story. Perhaps
+Mr. <span class="sc">Bacheller</span> makes his hero speak a little too sententiously
+at times, and certainly some of his other folk say
+queer things, such as, "What so vile as a cheap aristocracy,
+growing up in idleness, too noble to be restrained, with
+every brutal passion broad-blown as flush as May?" What
+indeed! The picture of
+pioneering America in
+the thirties is a fresh
+and interesting one.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+To few of those who
+visit Switzerland, with
+its incomparable mountains,
+can it have occurred
+that, once a man
+is kept there against
+his will, it can be a
+prison as damnable as
+any other; possibly even
+more damnable by reason
+of those same inevitable
+mountains. British
+prisoners of war interned
+there knew that.
+Mr. <span class="sc">R. O. Prowse</span>, in
+<i>A Gift of the Dusk</i>
+(<span class="sc">Collins</span>), speaks with
+subtle penetration for
+those other prisoners,
+interned victims of the
+dreadful malady. Of
+necessity he writes sadly; but yet he writes as a very
+genial philosopher, permitting himself candidly "just that
+little cynicism which helps to keep one tolerant." He is
+of the old and entertaining school of sentimental travellers,
+but he is far from being old-fashioned. The story running
+through his observations and modern instances is so frail and
+delicate a thing that I hesitate to touch it and to risk disturbing
+its bloom. All readers, save the very young and
+the very old, will do well to travel with him, from Charing
+Cross ("I have a childlike fondness for trains. I like to be
+in them, I like to see them go by") to the peaceful, almost
+happy end, at the mountain refuge by the valley of the
+Rhone. They will not regret an inch of the way; and they
+will derive some very positive enjoyment from the picture
+of that most melancholy hotel where the story is set.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/400.png"><img src="images/400-600.png" width="600" height="416" alt="WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES." /></a>
+<h4>WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES.</h4>
+<p><i>Mounted Gentleman</i> (<i>who has come to grief in a morass</i>). "<span class="sc">If I escape this
+peril I suppose I shall have to build a church here as a thank-offering.
+An ill site, I fear</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+  <hr />
+
+<h4>A New Safety Model.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Lady's strong cycle, 23-in. frame, 28 wheels."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Cycling.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+  <hr />
+<p>
+From an account of the M.C.C. team's match at Colombo:</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"When the unlucky thirteen was reached, Hobbs, who was sleeping
+finely, fell to a great catch at mid-on by Gunasekera."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Ceylon Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+<p>
+Happily <span class="sc">Hobbs</span> appears to have waked up when he got to
+Australia.</p>
+
+  <hr />
+<br />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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+</body>
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+
+
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@@ -0,0 +1,2289 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, November 17, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 22, 2006 [EBook #19349]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+November 17th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+It is rumoured that a gentleman who purchased a miniature two-seater
+car at the Motor Show last week arrived home one night to find the cat
+playing with it on the mat.
+
+       * * *
+
+It appears that nothing definite has yet been decided as to whether
+_The Daily Mail_ will publish a Continental edition of the Sandringham
+Hat.
+
+       * * *
+
+The matter having passed out of the hands of D.O.R.A., the Westminster
+City Council recommend the abolition of the practice of whistling for
+cabs at night. Nothing is said about the custom of making a noise like
+a five-shilling tip.
+
+       * * *
+
+We shall not be surprised if Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN becomes the
+Viceroy of India, says a gossip-writer. We warn our contemporary
+against being elated, for it is almost certain that another Chancellor
+of the Exchequer would be appointed in his place.
+
+       * * *
+
+During the Lord Mayor's Show last week we understand that the LORD
+MAYOR'S coachman was accompanied by the LORD MAYOR.
+
+       * * *
+
+The licensee of a West Ham public-house has just purchased a parrot
+which is trained to imitate the bagpipes. The bird's life will of
+course be insured.
+
+       * * *
+
+Ireland will have to be careful or she will be made safe for
+democracy, like the other countries.
+
+       * * *
+
+Upon hearing that Mr. WILLIAM BRACE had accepted a Government
+appointment several members of the Labour Party said that this only
+confirmed their contention that his moustache would get him into
+trouble one day.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mrs. STACKPOOL O'DELL warns girls against marrying a man whose head
+is flat at the back. The best course is to get one with a round head;
+after marriage it can be flattened to taste.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man who persistently refused to give any information about himself
+was remanded at the Guildhall last week. He is thought to be a British
+taxpayer going about _incognito_.
+
+       * * *
+
+The cackle of a hen when she lays an egg, says a scientist, is akin to
+laughter. And with some of the eggs we have met we can easily guess
+what the hen was laughing at.
+
+       * * *
+
+The National Collection of Microbes at the Lister Institute now
+contains eight hundred different specimens. Visitors are requested not
+to tease the germs or go too near their cages.
+
+       * * *
+
+A large spot on the sun has been seen by the meteorological experts
+at Greenwich Observatory. We understand that it will be allowed to
+remain.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. RAYMOND FORSDIK, of Chicago, states that twelve times more murders
+are committed in Chicago than in London. But, under Prohibition, Satan
+is bound to find mischief for idle hands.
+
+       * * *
+
+Canon F. J. Meyrick, of Norwich, is reported to have caught a pike
+weighing twenty-five pounds. In view of the angler's profession we
+suppose we must believe this one.
+
+       * * *
+
+A curate of Bedford Park has had his bicycle stolen from the church,
+and as there were a number of people in the congregation it is
+difficult to know whom to blame.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Shall Onkie Live?" asks a _Daily Mail_ headline. We don't know who he
+is, but he certainly has our permission. We cannot, however, answer
+for Mr. BOB WILLIAMS.
+
+       * * *
+
+With reference to the complaint that a City man made about his
+telephone, we are pleased to say that a great improvement is reported.
+The instrument was taken away the other day.
+
+       * * *
+
+Discussing the remuneration of Cabinet Ministers a contemporary doubts
+whether they get what they deserve. This only goes to prove that we
+are a humane race.
+
+       * * *
+
+Hatters say that the price of rabbit skins is likely to ruin the
+trade. Meanwhile the mere act of getting the skins is apt to ruin the
+rabbit.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Mine," says General TOWNSHEND, "was a mission which NAPOLEON would
+have refused." We doubt, however, if Lord NORTHCLIFFE is to be drawn
+like that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Dr. E. HALFORD ROSS, of Piccadilly, is of the opinion that coal
+contains remarkable healing powers. Quite a number of people
+contemplate buying some of the stuff.
+
+       * * *
+
+"What does milk usually contain?" asks a weekly paper. We can only say
+it wouldn't be fair for us to reply, as we know the answer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Small Boy at Tailor's (to father, who seems to be
+impressed with "Jazz" tweed_). "I SAY, DAD, GO SLOW. REMEMBER WHO'S
+GOT TO WEAR IT AFTER YOU'VE FINISHED WITH IT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=An Indomitable Spirit.=
+
+    "Mr. ----'s tank held only ---- Spirit during the whole climb and
+    not satisfied with climbing _up_ Snowdon Mr. ---- then drove down
+    again." _Motoring Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "WHY I DIDN'T GO TO THE BAR. By Horatio Bottomley." "_John Bull_"
+    _Poster_.
+
+Perhaps it was after hours.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "This upset Mr. Chesterton, a patriotic, beer-eating
+    Englishman."--_Sunday Paper_.
+
+We deplore the modern tendency to pry into the details of an author's
+dietary.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "What the word 'Democracy' was intended to mean was that every
+    man should have to betrTcOshrdluesthafaodfabadofgarfaf." _Local
+    Paper_.
+
+We have long suspected this.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "MILWAUKEE.--Fourteen cases of whiskey, a large quantity of
+    brandies, gin and wines were found stored in a bathhouse. It will
+    be presented to the federal grand jury for action." _Canadian
+    Paper_.
+
+Not the obvious form of "direct action," we trust.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=HOW TO VITALISE THE DRAMA.=
+
+_A hint of what might be done by following the example of the Press_.
+
+    ["More than one actor-manager during the past few months has been
+    searching round frantically in his efforts to find a new play."
+    _The Times_.]
+
+  Oh, have you marked upon the breeze
+  The wail of hunger which occurs
+  When starved theatrical lessees
+  Commune with hollow managers?
+  "Where is Dramatic Art?" they say;
+  "Can no one, _no one_, write a play?"
+
+  I cannot think why this should be,
+  This bitter plaint of sudden dearth;
+  To write a play would seem to me
+  Almost the easiest thing on earth.
+  Sometimes I feel that even I
+  Could do it if I chose to try.
+
+  What! can this Art be in its grave
+  Whose form was lately so rotund,
+  Whose strength was as a bull's and gave
+  No sign of being moribund?
+  I'm sure my facts are right, or how
+  Do you account for _Chu Chin Chow_?
+
+  As for the gods, their judgment shows
+  No loss of _flair_ for grace or wit;
+  We see the comic's ruby nose
+  Reduce to pulp the nightly pit,
+  Whose patrons, sound in head and heart,
+  Still love the loftiest type of Art.
+
+  Nor should the playwright fail for lack
+  Of matter, if with curious eyes
+  He follows in our Pressmen's track,
+  Who find the source of their supplies
+  In Life, that ever-flowing font,
+  And "give the public what they want."
+
+  If authors, moving with the times,
+  Would only feed us, like the Press,
+  On squalid "mysteries," ugly crimes,
+  Scandals and all that carrion mess,
+  I see no solid reason why
+  Dramatic Art should ever die.
+
+O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.=
+
+II.--MR. WINSTON CHURCHILL.
+
+If it be urged that a few trifling inaccuracies have crept into the
+sketch which is here given of a great statesman's personality I can
+only say, "_Humanum est errare_," and "_Homo sum: humani nihil alienum
+a me puto_." These two Latin sentences, I find, invariably soothe all
+angry passions; you have only to try their effect the next time you
+stamp on the foot of a stout man when alighting from an Underground
+train.
+
+Of all the present-day politicians, and indeed there are not a few,
+upon whose mantelpieces the bust of NAPOLEON BONAPARTE is displayed,
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL is probably the most assiduous worshipper at the
+great Corsican's shrine. How often has he not entered his sanctum at
+the War Office, peering forward with that purposeful dominating look
+on his face, and discovered a few specks of dust upon his favourite
+effigy. With a quick characteristic motion of the thumb resembling a
+stab he rings the bell. A flunkey instantly appears. "Bust that dust,"
+says the WAR MINISTER. And then, correcting himself instantly, with a
+genial smile, "I should say, Dust that bust."
+
+But NAPOLEON'S is not the only head that adorns Mr. WINSTON
+CHURCHILL'S room. On a bookshelf opposite is a model of his own head,
+such as one may sometimes see in the shop windows of hatters, and
+close beside is a small private hat-making plant, together with an
+adequate supply of the hair of the rabbit, the beaver, the vicuna and
+similar rodents, and a quantity of shellac. Few days pass in which the
+WAR MINISTER does not spend an hour or two at his charming hobby, for,
+contrary to the general opinion, he is far from satisfied with the
+headgear by which he is so well known, or even with the Sandringham
+hat of _The Daily Mail_, and lives always in hopes of modelling the
+ideal hat which is destined to immortalise him and be worn by others
+for centuries to come. The work of a great statesman lives frequently
+in the mindful brain of posterity, less frequently upon it.
+
+Other mementos which adorn this remarkable room at the War Office are
+a porcelain pot containing a preserve of Blenheim oranges, a framed
+photograph of the Free Trade Hall at Manchester, a map of Mesopotamia
+with the outpost lines and sentry groups of the original Garden of
+Eden, marked by paper flags, and a number of lion-skin rugs of which
+the original occupants were stalked and killed by their owner on his
+famous African tour. In his more playful moments the WAR MINISTER has
+been known to clothe himself completely in one of these skins and
+growl ferociously from behind a palm at an unwelcome intruder.
+
+Of the man himself perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic is
+dynamic energy. Whether other people's energy is ever dynamic I do not
+know, but undoubtedly Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL'S is; he dominates, he
+quells. He is like one of those people in the papers with zig-zags
+sticking out all over them because they have been careful to wear an
+electric belt. He exudes force. Sometimes one can almost hear him
+crackle.
+
+As a politician it is true he has not yet tried every office; he
+has not, for instance, been Chancellor of the Exchequer, though his
+unbounded success in the Duchy of Lancaster amply shows what his
+capabilities as a Chancellor are. But as a soldier, a pig-sticker and
+a polo-player he is rapidly gaining pre-eminence, and as an author and
+journalist his voice is already like a swan's amongst screech-owls.
+(I admit that that last bit ought to have been in Latin, but I cannot
+remember what the Latin for a screech-owl is. I have an idea that it
+increases in the genitive, but quite possibly I may be thinking of
+dormice.)
+
+Anyhow, to return to Mr. CHURCHILL'S room: whilst the floor is
+littered with volumes that have been sent to him for review, his
+desk is equally littered with proofs of essays, sermons, leaders and
+leaderettes for the secular and Sunday Press. As a novelist he has
+scarcely fulfilled his early promise, but it is on record that he
+was once introduced to a stranger from the backwoods, who asked
+ignorantly, "Am I speaking to the statesman or the author?"
+
+"Not _or_, but _and_," replied the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR WAR, with a
+simple dignity like that of ST. AUGUSTINE.
+
+To poetry he is not greatly attached, preferring to leave this field
+of letters to his staff. When asked for his favourite passage of
+English verse he has indeed been known to cite a single line from Mr.
+HILAIRE BELLOC'S _Modern Traveller_--
+
+  "That marsh, that admirable marsh!"
+
+which is far from being Mr. BELLOC'S most mellifluous effort.
+
+We feel bound to ask what is most likely to be the next outlet for
+Mr. CHURCHILL'S ebullient activity. Remembering that bust upon his
+mantelpiece it is hard to say. There are some who consider that,
+prevented by the sluggishness of our times from the chance of
+commanding an army in the field, he may turn his strategic mind at
+last to the position of Postmaster-General. If he does there can be no
+man better fitted than he to make our telephones hum.
+
+K.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A.--Comme vous voudrai.--P."
+
+    _Agony Column in Daily Paper_.
+
+Taking advantage of "P.'s" kindness we may say that we prefer
+"_voudrez_."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "A TRUE FISHING STORY.
+
+    Lady ---- is surprising everyone with her skill as an angler and a
+    shot. Last Friday, I am told, she caught two trout weighing 2-3/4
+    lb. and 3-1/4 lb. And on the same afternoon she got a right and a
+    left hit at a roebuck with a small four-bore gun!"--_Daily Paper_.
+
+Not caring to believe that she mistook a roebuck for an elephant,
+we are glad to note that the epithet "true" is only applied to the
+"fishing" part of the story.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =THE ABYSMALISTS.=
+
+BRITISH EXTREMIST. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING DOWN THERE?"
+
+VOICE OF RUSSIAN BOLSHEVIST FROM BELOW. "DIGGING A GRAVE FOR THE
+BOURGEOISIE."
+
+BRITISH EXTREMIST. "THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO; BUT HOW DO YOU GET OUT?"
+
+VOICE FROM BELOW. "YOU DON'T."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _French Visitor_ (_inspecting artificial silk
+stockings_). "SOIE?"
+
+_Shopman_ (_formerly of the B.E.F., resourcefully_). "WELL, SCARCELY,
+MADAM; SHALL WE SAY 'SOI-DISANT'?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CONTEMPORARY FOLK-SONGS.
+
+"THE GRAVE OF THE BOORZH-WAW-ZE."
+
+    [The following folk-song is believed to be a local (and adult)
+    version of the ballad which, according to _The Times_, is now
+    being sung by Communist children in the Glasgow Proletarian
+    Schools, with the refrain:--
+
+      "Class-conscious we are singing,
+        Class-conscious all are we,
+      For Labour now is digging
+        The grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze."
+
+The metre is a bit jumpy, and so are the ideas, but you know what
+folk-songs are.]
+
+  Look, we are digging a large round hole,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  To put the abominable tyrant in--
+  The Minister, the Master, the Mandarin;
+  And never a bloom above shall blow
+  But scarlet-runners in a row to show
+    _That this is the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Who do we put in the large round hole,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee?_
+  The blackcoat, the parasite, the keeper of the laws,
+  Who works with his head instead of with his paws;
+  The doctor, the parson, the pressman, the mayor,
+  The poet and the barrister, they'll all be there,
+    _Snug in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Dig, dig, dig, it will have to be big,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  One great cavity, and then one more
+  For the bones of the SECRET'RY OF STATE FOR WAR;
+  The editor, the clerk and, of course, old THOMAS,
+  We wring their necks and we fling them from us
+    _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Peace and Brotherhood, that's our line,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  But nobody, of course, can co-exist
+  In the same small planet with a Communist;
+  Man is a brotherhood, that we know,
+  And the whole damn family has got to go
+    _Plomp in the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+      With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i! ... Honk, honk!_
+
+  Too many people are alive to-day,
+    _With a Hey and a Ho and a Hee-haw-hee!_
+  Red already is the Red, Red Sea
+  With the blood of the brutal Boorzh-waw-ze,
+  And that's what the rest of the globe will be--
+        _Believe me!_
+  We'll stand at last with the Red Flag furled*
+  In a perfectly void vermilion world
+  With the citizens (if any) who have _not_ been hurled
+  _Into the grave of the Boorzh-waw-ze,
+    With a Hi-ti-tiddle-i ... Honk, honk!_
+
+A. P. H.
+
+    [* NOTE.--In the Somerset version the word is
+    "_un_furled," which makes better sense but scans even worse
+    than the rest of the song. I have therefore followed the
+    Gloucestershire tradition.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+SOURCES OF LAUGHTER.
+
+"It will have to be a great deal funnier than that before it's funny,"
+said George.
+
+This represented the general opinion, though Edna, who has a good
+heart, professed to find it diverting already. Unfortunately she has
+no sense of humour.
+
+Jerry, the writer, claimed exemption on the ground of being the
+writer, though he did not see why his article should not remove
+gravity (as they say in _The Wallet of Kai Lung_) from other people
+quite as effectually as the silly tosh of A. and B. and C., naming
+some brilliant and successful humorists.
+
+The company then resolved itself into a Voluntary Aid Detachment.
+
+When they met again at tea Edna made the suggestion of a sprinkling of
+puns.
+
+"We've got rather beyond that, I think," said the victim with dignity.
+
+"I'm not so sure," said George cruelly, "that you can afford to
+neglect any means. Some people laugh at them even now, in this
+twentieth century, in this beautiful England of ours."
+
+"And I can tell you why," broke in Raymond eagerly. He took from his
+pocket a well-known Manual of Psychology and whirled over the pages.
+
+"Meanwhile," said George learnedly, "BERGSON may be of some assistance
+to you. He knows all about laughter. He analysed it."
+
+"Why couldn't he leave it alone?" said Allegra uneasily.
+
+"He defines laughter," said George, "as 'a kind of social gesture.'"
+
+"It isn't," said Allegra rashly. "At least," she added, "that sort of
+thing isn't going to help Jerry. Do give it up."
+
+"Well, then, here's something more practical," said George. "Listen.
+'A situation is always comical when it belongs at one and the same
+time to two series of absolutely independent events, and can at the
+same time be interpreted in two different ways.'"
+
+"I should think," said Edna brightly, "that might be very amusing."
+
+She remarked later that it made it all seem very clear, but even she
+showed signs of relief when Raymond interrupted, having found his
+place.
+
+"Here we are!" he exclaimed. "The book says that the reason a pun
+amuses you----"
+
+"It doesn't amuse me," said most of the company.
+
+"But it does--it must amuse you. It's all down here in black and
+white. Listen. The reason a pun amuses you is as follows: 'It impels
+the mind to identify objects quite disconnected. This obstructs the
+flow of thought; but this is too transient to give rise to pain, and
+the relief which comes with insight into the true state of the case
+may be a source of keen pleasure. Mental activity suddenly obstructed
+and so heightened is at once set free, and is so much greater than the
+occasion demands that----'"
+
+"And is that why we laugh at things?" said Allegra sadly.
+
+The heavy silence which followed was broken by the voice of Mrs.
+Purkis, the charlady, who "comes in to oblige," and was now taking
+a short cut to the front gate, under Cook's escort, by way of the
+parsley bed. This brought her within earshot of the party, who were
+taking tea on the lawn.
+
+When Mrs. Purkis could contain her mirth so as to make herself
+understood, her words were these: "I dunno why, but when I see
+'im stand like that, staring like a stuck pig, I thought I'd died
+a-larf'n. I dunno why, but it made me _larf_----"
+
+She passed, like _Pippa_.
+
+"Listen to her," said Allegra in bitter envy. "_She doesn't know
+why._"
+
+And Allegra burst into tears.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Fisherman._ "I SUPPOSE THIS RAIN WILL DO A LOT OF
+GOOD, PAT?"
+
+_Pat._ "YE MAY WELL SAY THAT, SORR. AN HOUR OF UT NOW WILL DO MORE
+GOOD IN FIVE MINUTES THAN A MONTH OF UT WOULD DO IN A WEEK AT ANNY
+OTHER TIME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What's in a Name?
+
+    "'A Recital' will be given by Miss H. E. Stutter (the well-known
+    Elocutionist)."
+
+    _Local Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+AT THE BLOATER SHOW.
+
+The last time I was at Olympia--as everybody says at the door--it was
+a Horse Show. But this time it is much the same. There they stand in
+their stalls, the dear, magnificent, patient creatures, with their
+glossy coats and their beautiful curves, their sensitive radiators
+sniffing for something over the velvet ropes. Panting, I know they
+are, to be out in the open again; and yet I fancy they enjoy it all
+in a way. It would be ungrateful if they did not; for, after all, the
+whole thing has been arranged for them. The whole idea of the Show is
+to let the motors inspect the bloaters--and not what you think. (You
+don't know what bloaters are? Well, I can't explain without being
+rude.)
+
+All the year round they can study _ad nauseam_ their own individual
+bloaters; but this is the only occasion on which they have the whole
+world of bloaters paraded in front of them for inspection. Now only
+can they compare notes and exchange grievances.
+
+And how closely they study the parade! Here is a pretty limousine, a
+blonde; see how she watches the two huge exhibits in front of her.
+They are very new bloaters, and one of them--oh, horror!--one of them
+is going to buy. He has never bought before; she knows his sort. He
+will drive her to death; he may even drive her himself; he will stroke
+her lovely coat in a familiar, proprietary fashion; he will show her
+off unceasingly to other bloaters till she is hot all over and the
+water boils in her radiator. He will hold forth with a horrible
+intimacy and a yet more horrible ignorance on the most private secrets
+of her inner life. Not one throb of her young cylinders will be
+sacred, yet never will he understand her as she would like to be
+understood. He will mess her with his muddy boots; he will scratch her
+paint; he will drop tobacco-ash all over her cushions--not from pipes;
+cigars only....
+
+There--he has bought her. It is a tragedy. Let us move on.
+
+Here is a little _coupe_--a smart young creature with a nice blue
+coat, fond of town, I should say, but quite at home in the country.
+She also is inspecting two bloaters. But these two are very shy. In
+fact they are not really bloaters at all; they are rather a pair of
+nice-mannered fresh herrings, not long mated. The male had something
+to do with that war, I should think; the _coupe_ would help him a good
+deal. The lady likes her because she is dark-blue. The other one likes
+her because of something to do with her works; but he is very reverent
+and tactful about it. He seems to know that he is being scrutinised,
+for he is nervous, and scarcely dares to speak about her to the groom
+in the top-hat. He will drive her himself; he will look after her
+himself; he will know all about her, all about her moods and fancies
+and secret failings; he will humour and coax her, and she will serve
+him very nobly.
+
+Already, you see, they have given her a name--"Jane," I think they
+said; they will creep off into the country with her when the summer
+comes, all by themselves; they will plunge into the middle of thick
+forests and sit down happily in the shade at midday and look at her;
+and she will love them.
+
+But the question is----Ah, they are shaking their heads; they are
+edging away. She is too much. They look back sadly as they go. Another
+tragedy....
+
+Now I am going to be a bloater myself. Here is a jolly one, though her
+stable-name is much too long. She is a Saloon-de-Luxe, and she
+only costs L2,125 (why 5, I wonder--why not 6?) I can run to that,
+_surely_. At any rate I can climb up and sit down on her cushions;
+none of the grooms is looking. Dark-blue, I see, like Jane. That is
+the sort of car I love. I am like the lady herring; I don't approve
+of all this talk about the _insides_ of things; it seems to me to be
+rather indecent--unless, of course, you do it very nicely, like that
+young herring. When you go and look at a horse you don't ask how its
+sweetbread is arranged, or what is the principle of its liver. Then
+why should you...?
+
+Well, here we are, and very comfortable too. But why does none of
+these cars have any means of communication between the owner and
+the man next to the chauffeur? There is always a telephone to the
+chauffeur, but none to the overflow guest on the box. So that when the
+host sees an old manor-house which he thinks the guest hasn't noticed
+he has to hammer on the glass and do semaphore; and the guest thinks
+he is being asked if he is warm enough.
+
+Otherwise, though, this is a nice car. It is very cosy in here. Dark
+and quiet and warm. I could go to sleep in here.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+What? What's that? No, I don't really want to buy it, thank you. I
+just wanted to see if it was a good sleeping-car. As a matter of fact
+I think it is. But I don't like the colour. And what I really want is
+a _cabriolet_. Good afternoon. Thank you....
+
+A pleasant gentleman, that. I wish I could have bought the Saloon. She
+would have liked me. So would he, I expect.
+
+Well, we had better go home. I shan't buy any more cars to-day. And
+we won't go up to the gallery; there is nothing but oleo-plugs and
+graphite-grease up there. That sort of thing spoils the romance.
+
+Ah, here is dear Jane again! What a pity it was---- Hallo, they have
+come back--the two nice herrings. They are bargaining--they are
+beating him down. No, he is beating them up. Go on--go on. Yes, you
+can run to that--_of course_ you can. Sell those oil shares. Look at
+her--_look_ at her! You can't leave her here for one of the bloaters.
+He wavers; he consults. "Such a lovely colour." Ah, that's done it! He
+has decided. He has bought. She has bought. They have bought. Hurrah!
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PREMIER'S METAPHORS.
+
+Some time ago the PREMIER beheld the sunrise upon the mountains, and
+now he has plunged his thermometer into the lava to discover that the
+stream is cooling--indicating comfort, let us hope, to any who may be
+buried beneath it. Only by an oversight, we understand, did he omit to
+mention in his speech at the Guildhall that the chamois is once more
+browsing happily among the blooming edelweiss.
+
+But in continuing his lofty metaphors Mr. LLOYD GEORGE will find
+himself confronted by no small difficulty when dealing with the
+glacier. What can he say that the glacier is doing? It must do
+something. A glacier is of no rhetorical value if it merely stays
+where it is. One may take in hand the ice-axe of resolution and the
+alpenstock of enterprise and pull over one's boots the socks of
+Coalition, but the glacier remains practically unchanged by these
+preparations. It would be of little use to declare that its uneven
+surface is being levelled by the steam-roller of progress and its
+crevasses filled in by the cement of human kindness, because
+the Opposition Press would soon get scientists, engineers and
+statisticians to establish the absurdity of such a claim. And to
+announce that the glacier is getting warmer would create no end of
+a panic among the homesteads in the valley. Unless he is very, very
+careful Mr. LLOYD GEORGE may make a grave slip in negotiating the
+glacier.
+
+Then the "awful avalanche" has not yet been dealt with. A few helpful
+words on the direction this is likely to take and the safest rock to
+make for when it begins to move might be welcomed by the PREMIER'S
+followers. He may argue that it is folly to meet trouble half-way,
+but on the other hand, if he does not speak on this subject soon, the
+opportunity may disappear. Let him avoid the glacier if he chooses; he
+cannot (so we are informed) escape the avalanche.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =TREATING UNDER PROHIBITION.=
+
+"HELLO, OLD FRIGHT--HAVEN'T SEEN YOU FOR AGES!"
+
+"WE MUST HAVE ONE." [entering SHIRT MAKER'S Establishment]
+
+"WHAT'S YOURS?" "THINK I'LL HAVE A COLLAR."
+
+"TWO COLLARS, PLEASE--SEVENTEENS." "CHEERIO!"
+
+"NOW YOU MUST HAVE ONE WITH ME. WHAT ABOUT AN EVENING SHIRT?" "NO, NO,
+IT'S TOO EARLY." "THE SAME AGAIN, THEN?" "WELL, PERHAPS A SOFT ONE
+THIS TIME."
+
+"SAME AGAIN, PLEASE--ONLY SOFT."
+
+"BYE-BYE! SEE YOU AGAIN SOON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Magistrate._ "BUT, MR. GOLDSTEIN, WHY DO YOU HAVE YOUR
+HOUSE AND YOUR BUSINESS IN YOUR WIFE'S NAME?"
+
+_Mr. Goldstein._ "WELL, YOU SEE, I'M NOT A BEESNESS MAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE SAYINGS OF BARBARA.
+
+The man who sets out to expose popular fallacies or to confound
+time-honoured legends is bound to make enemies.
+
+The latest legend I have been privileged to explore is not the product
+of superstition and slow time, but a deliberately manufactured growth
+of comparatively recent origin. It is concerned with Barbara, not the
+impersonal lady who figures in the old logic-book doggerel, but an
+extremely live and highly illogical person to whom for half a decade I
+have had the honour to be father. It is also concerned with Barbara's
+Aunt Julia and, in a lesser degree, with Barbara's mother.
+
+From the time (just over three years ago) when Barbara first attempted
+articulate speech I have been bombarded with reports of the wonderful
+things my daughter has said. In the earlier years these diverting
+stories, for which Julia was nearly always cited as authority, reached
+me through the medium of the Field Post-Office, and, being still
+fairly new to fatherhood, I used proudly to retail them in Mess, until
+an addition was made to the rule relating to offences punishable by a
+round of drinks.
+
+On my brief visits home I would wait expectantly for the brilliant
+flashes of humour or of uncanny intelligence to issue from Barbara's
+lips, and her failure during these periods to sustain her reputation
+I was content to explain on the assumption that I came within the
+category of casual visitors. But I have now lived in my own home for
+over a year, and Barbara and I have become very well acquainted. She
+talks to me without restraint, and at times most engagingly, but
+seldom, if ever, does she give utterance in my hearing to a _jeu
+d'esprit_ that I feel called upon to repeat to others. Nevertheless
+until a few days ago I was still constantly being informed--chiefly
+by Barbara's aunt and less frequently by her mother--of the "killing"
+things that child had been saying. I grew privately sceptical, but had
+no proof, and it was only by accident that I was at last enabled to
+prick the bubble.
+
+Julia (who besides being Barbara's aunt is Suzanne's sister) had come
+to tea and was chatting in the drawing-room with Suzanne (who besides
+being Julia's sister is Barbara's mother and my wife) and Barbara
+(whose relationship all round has been sufficiently indicated).
+The drawing-room door was open, and so was that of my study on the
+opposite side of the passage, where I was coquetting with a trifle
+of work. The conversation, which I could not help overhearing, was
+confined for the most part to Julia and Barbara, and ran more or less
+on the following lines:--
+
+_Julia._ Where's Father, Babs?
+
+_Barbara._ In the libery.
+
+_Julia._ Working hard, I suppose?
+
+_Barbara._ Yes.
+
+_Julia._ Or do you think he's sleeping? (_No answer._) Don't you think
+father's probably asleep half the time he's supposed to be working?
+
+_Barbara._ Probly. What you got in that bag?
+
+_Julia._ I expect that big armchair he sits in is just a weeny bit too
+comfy for real work.
+
+_Barbara._ I've eated up all those choc'lates you did bring me.
+
+_Julia._ Perhaps we'll find some more presently. Do you think Father
+writes in his sleep?
+
+_Barbara._ Yes, I fink he does.
+
+_Julia._ Listen to her, Suzie. I expect really he only dreams he's
+working. Don't you, Babs?
+
+At this point I thought it advisable, for the sake of preserving
+the remnants of my parental authority, to come in to tea. Julia was
+handing Barbara a packet of chocolate, and greeted me with an arch
+inquiry as to whether I had been busy writing. I replied with a hearty
+affirmative.
+
+"You ought to hear what your daughter has been saying about you," said
+Julia.
+
+"Oh, and what does Barbara say?" I asked.
+
+"She says that when Father sits in that stuffy little room of his he
+usually writes in his sleep. She really does take the most amazing
+notice of things, and the way she expresses herself is quite weird."
+
+"So Barbara says I write in my sleep?"
+
+"Yes, you heard her, didn't you, Suzie? Oh, and did I tell you that
+the other day, during that heavy thunderstorm, she said that the
+angels and the devils must be having a big battle and that she
+supposed the angels would soon be going over the top?"
+
+"Come here, Barbara," I said.
+
+Barbara, who at her too fond aunt's request had been granted the
+privilege of taking tea in the drawing-room, stuffed the better half
+of a jam sandwich into her mouth and came.
+
+"Do you see those rich-looking pink cakes?" I asked her. "You shall
+have one as soon as we've had a little talk."
+
+"The biggest and pinkiest one?" demanded Barbara.
+
+"Yes. Now tell me--don't you think that people ought always to speak
+the truth, and to be especially careful not to distort the remarks of
+others?"
+
+"Yes. Can I have the one with the greeny thing on it?"
+
+"Certainly, in a minute. And don't you think that women are much more
+careless of the truth than men?"
+
+"Yes. Can I----"
+
+"Do you love your Aunt Julia?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Why?"
+
+"Cos she always has got choc'lates in her bag."
+
+"But don't you think it's much more important to have the truth in
+your heart than chocolates in your bag?"
+
+"Yes. Now can I have my pink cake?"
+
+I released and rewarded her, and Julia prepared to speak her mind.
+Fortunately, however, just at that moment my brother Tom, who is
+Barbara's godfather, came in.
+
+"Why, what a big girl we're getting!" he observed to Barbara in his
+best godfatherly manner. "I suppose we shall soon be going to school?"
+
+"Oh, no, not yet awhile," I interposed. "The fact is she's already
+far too forward, and we think it a good thing to keep her back a bit.
+You'd never believe the amazing remarks she makes. Just now, for
+instance, we happened to be discussing the comparative love of truth
+inherent in men and women, and Barbara chipped in and told me she
+thought women were far more careless of the truth than men."
+
+"Good heavens!" said Tom, who is a bachelor by conviction. "She
+certainly hit the nail on the head there."
+
+"Yes, and she added that she herself prized truth above chocolates."
+
+"It sounds almost incredible," gasped Tom.
+
+"Doesn't it? But ask Julia; she heard it all. And Julia will also tell
+you what Barbara remarked about my work."
+
+But Julia, who was already gathering her furs about her, followed up
+an unusual silence by a sudden departure.
+
+From what Suzanne has since refrained from saying I am confident that
+I've broken the back of one more legend, and saved Barbara from the
+fate of having to pass the rest of her childhood living up (or down)
+to a spurious halo of precocity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =AN INCENTIVE TO VIRTUE.=
+
+_Small Boy_ (_much impressed_). "THE TICKET-COLLECTOR SAID 'GOOD
+EVENING' TO DAD."
+
+_Mother._ "YES, DEAR, HE ALWAYS DOES. AND PERHAPS, IF YOU'RE GOOD,
+HE'LL SAY THE SAME TO YOU--WHEN YOU'VE TRAVELLED ON THIS LINE FOR
+TWENTY-FIVE YEARS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "DEPARTURE OF THE LIEUT.-GOVERNOR.
+        ENTHUSIASTIC SCENES."
+
+    _Channel Islands Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Indeed, it is simple to understand why the Canadian portion of
+    the audience almost rise from their seats when Fergus Wimbus, the
+    'Man,' says, 'Canada is the land of big things, big thoughts, bing
+    hopes."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+Not forgetting the "Byng Boys" either.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MUSICAL CARETAKERS.
+
+    ["A LADY is willing to give a thoroughly-good HOME to a GRAND
+    PIANO (German make preferred), also a COTTAGE, for anyone going
+    abroad."--_Morning Paper._]
+
+A GRAMOPHONE of small to medium age can be received as p.g. in select
+RESIDENTIAL HOTEL. Young, bright, musical society. Separate tables.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+WILL any LADY or GENTLEMAN offer hospitality on the Cornish Riviera
+for the winter months to an EX-SERVICE CORNET suffering from chronic
+asthma (slight)?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BAG-PIPES (sisters) in reduced circumstances owing to the War, seek
+sit. as COMPANIONS or MOTHER'S HELPS, town or country.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a list of forthcoming productions:--
+
+    "THEATRE ROYAL, ----. Boo Early."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Old Lady._ "AND HOW IS YOUR DEAR MOTHER, TO-DAY?"
+
+_Child of the Period._ "OH, SHE'S ROTTEN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+YARNS.
+
+  When the docks are all deserted and the derricks all are still,
+  And the wind across the anchorage comes singing sad and shrill,
+  And the lighted lanthorns gleaming where the ships at anchor ride
+  Cast their quivering long reflections down the ripple of the tide,
+
+  Then the ships they start a-yarning, just the same as sailors do
+  In a hundred docks and harbours from Port Talbot to Chefoo,
+  Just the same as deep-sea sailormen a-meeting up and down
+  In the bars and boarding-houses and the streets of Sailor-town.
+
+  Just the same old sort of ship-talk sailors always like to hear--
+  Just the same old harbour gossip gathered in from far and near,
+  In the same salt-water lingo sailors use the wide world round,
+  From the shores of London river to the wharves of Puget Sound,
+
+  With a gruff and knowing chuckle at a spicy yarn or so,
+  And a sigh for some old shipmate gone the way that all men go,
+  And there's little need to wonder at a grumble now and then,
+  For the ships must have their growl out, just the same as sailormen.
+
+  And they yarn along together just as jolly as you please,
+  Lordly liner, dingy freighter rusty-red from all the seas,
+  Of their cargoes and their charters and their harbours East and West,
+  And the coal-hulk at her moorings, she is yarning with the best,
+
+  Telling all the same tales over many and many a time she's told,
+  In a voice that's something creaky now because she's got so old,
+  Like some old broken sailorman when drink has loosed his tongue
+  And his ancient heart keeps turning to the days when he was young.
+
+  Is it but the chuckling mutter of the tide along the buoys,
+  But the creak of straining cables, but the night wind's mournful noise,
+  Sighing with a rising murmur in among the ropes and spars,
+  Setting every shroud and backstay singing shanties to the stars?
+
+  No, the ships they all are yarning, just the same as sailors do,
+  Just the same as deep-sea sailors from Port Talbot to Chefoo,
+  Yarning through the hours of darkness till the daylight comes again,
+  But oh! the things they speak of no one knows but sailormen.
+
+  C. F. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =WORTH A TRIAL.=
+
+ULSTERMAN. "HERE COMES A GIFT-HORSE FOR THE TWO OF US. WE'D BEST NOT
+LOOK HIM TOO CLOSE IN THE MOUTH."
+
+SOUTHERN IRISHMAN. "I'LL NOT LOOK AT HIM AT ALL."
+
+ULSTERMAN. "OH, YOU'LL THINK MORE OF HIM WHEN YOU SEE THE WAY HE MOVES
+WITH ME ON HIS BACK."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+_Monday, November 8th._--To allay the apprehensions of Sir JOHN REES
+the PRIME MINISTER informed him that the League of Nations can do
+nothing except by a unanimous decision of the Council. As the League
+already includes thirty-seven nations, it is not expected that its
+decisions will be hastily reached. Now, perhaps, the United States
+may think better of its refusal to join a body which has secured the
+allegiance of Liberia and of all the American Republics save Mexico.
+
+The daily demand for an impartial inquiry into Irish "reprisals" met
+with its daily refusal. The PRIME MINISTER referred to "unfortunate
+incidents that always happen in war"--the first time that he has used
+this word to describe the situation in Ireland--and was confident that
+the sufferers were, with few exceptions (Mr. DEVLIN, who complained
+that his office had been raided, being one of them), "men engaged in a
+murderous conspiracy." He declined to hamper the authorities who were
+putting it down. Taking his cue from his chief, Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD
+excused his lack of information about recent occurrences with the
+remark that "an officer cannot draw up reports while he is chasing
+assassins." Tragedy gave way to comedy when Lieutenant-Commander
+KENWORTHY observed that the proceedings were "just like the German
+Reichstag during the War." "Were you there?" smartly interjected
+General CROFT.
+
+[Illustration: OBERLEUTNANT KENNWUeRDIG INSPECTS THE REICHSTAG
+
+(IN THE IMAGINATION OF GENERAL CROFT).]
+
+The Government of Ireland Bill having been recommitted, Sir
+WORTHINGTON EVANS explained the Government's expedient for providing
+the new Irish Parliaments with Second Chambers. Frankly admitting that
+the Cabinet had been unable to evolve a workable scheme--an elected
+Senate would fail to protect the minority and a nominated Senate would
+be "undemocratic"--he proposed that the Council of Ireland should be
+entrusted with the task.
+
+Having regard to the probable composition of the Council--half Sinn
+Feiners and half Orangemen--Colonel GUINNESS feared there was no
+chance of its agreeing unless most of them were laid up with broken
+heads or some other malady. Sir EDWARD CARSON, however, in an
+unusually optimistic vein, expressed the hope that once the North was
+assured of not being put under the South and the South was relieved of
+British dictation they would "shake hands for the good of Ireland."
+The clause was carried by 175 to 31.
+
+[Illustration: "TWO BY TWO."
+
+SIR E. CARSON AND MR. DEVLIN.]
+
+On another new clause, providing for the administration of Southern
+Ireland in the event of a Parliament not being set up, Mr. ASQUITH
+declared that "this musty remainder biscuit" had reduced him to
+"rhetorical poverty." Perhaps that was why he could get no more than
+ten Members to follow him into the Lobby against it.
+
+[Illustration: THE OLD SHEEP-DOG.
+
+_Mr. ASQUITH._ "TUT-TUT! TO THINK THAT I COULD ONLY ROUND UP TEN OF
+'EM!"]
+
+_Tuesday, November 9th._--In supporting Lord PARMOOR'S protest against
+the arrest, at Holyhead, of an English lady by order of the Irish
+Executive, Lord BUCKMASTER regretted that there was no one in the
+House of Lords responsible for the Irish Office, and consequently
+"they were always compelled to accept official answers." A strictly
+official answer was all he got from Lord CRAWFORD, who declared that
+the arrest had been made under the authority of D.O.R.A., and gave
+their Lordships the surely otiose reminder that "conditions were not
+quite simple or normal in Ireland just now."
+
+Mr. SHORTT has formed his style on the model of one of his
+predecessors in office, who used to be described as the Quite-at-Home
+Secretary, and he declined to share Colonel BURN'S alarm at the
+prevalence of revolutionary speeches. Hyde Park, he reminded him, had
+always been regarded as a safety-valve for discontented people. Even
+Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE'S recent reference to Ministers and lamp-posts
+did not at that moment disturb him.
+
+The new Ministry of Health Bill had a rather rough passage, and, if
+the voting had been in accordance with the speeches, it would hardly
+have secured a second reading. Particular objection was raised to the
+proposal to put the hospitals on the rates. Mr. MYERS, however, was
+sarcastic at the expense of people who thought that "rates and taxes
+must be saved though the people perished," and declared that there was
+plenty of war wealth to be drawn upon.
+
+Lieut.-Colonel HURST objected to the term "working-class" in the Bill.
+It would encourage the Socialistic fallacy that the people of England
+were divided into two classes--the leisured class and the working
+class; whereas everybody knew that most of the "leisured class" had no
+leisure and many of the "working-class" did no work.
+
+_Wednesday, November 10th._--The Peers welcomed Lord BUXTON on his
+advancement to an earldom, and then proceeded to discuss the rights
+of the inhabitants of Heligoland. Having been handed over to Germany
+against their will in 1890, they hoped that the Treaty of Versailles
+would restore them to British nationality. On the contrary the Treaty
+has resulted in the island being swamped by German workmen employed in
+destroying the fortifications. Lord CRAWFORD considered that the new
+electoral law requiring three years' residence would safeguard the
+islanders from being politically submerged, and wisely did not enter
+into the question of how long the island itself would remain after the
+fortifications had disappeared.
+
+In the Commons the INDIAN SECRETARY underwent his usual Wednesday
+cross-examination. He did not display quite his customary urbanity.
+When an hon. Member, whose long and distinguished Indian service began
+in the year in which Mr. MONTAGU was born, ventured to suggest that
+he should check Mr. GANDHI'S appeals to ignorance and fanaticism,
+he tartly replied that ignorance and fanaticism were very dangerous
+things, "whether in India or on the benches of this House."
+
+Mr. STEWART expressed anxiety lest under the new arrangements
+with Egypt the Sudan water-supply should be subjected to Egyptian
+interference. Mr. HARMSWORTH was of opinion that for geographical
+reasons the Sudan would always be able to look after its own
+water-supply; _vide_ the leading case of _Wolf_ v. _Lamb_.
+
+_Thursday, November 11th._--The PRIME MINISTER was in a more
+aggressive mood than usual. Mr. DEVLIN, who was noisily incredulous as
+to the existence of a Sinn Fein conspiracy with Germany in 1918, was
+advised to wait for the documents about to be published. To make
+things even, an ultra-Conservative Member, who urged the suspension
+of Mr. FISHER'S new Act, was informed that the PRIME MINISTER could
+conceive nothing more serious than that the nation should decide that
+it could not afford to give children a good education.
+
+Any doubts as to the suitability of Armistice Day for the Third
+Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill were removed by the tone of
+the debate. The possibility that the "Unknown Warrior" might have been
+an Irishman softened the feeling on both sides, and though Mr. ADAMSON
+feared that the Bill would bring Ireland not peace but a sword, and
+Mr. ASQUITH appealed to the Government to substitute a measure more
+generous to Irish aspirations, there was no sting in either of their
+speeches. The PRIME MINISTER, while defending his scheme as the best
+that could be granted in the present temper of Southern Ireland, did
+not bang the door against further negotiations; and Sir EDWARD CARSON
+said that Ulstermen were beginning to realize that the Parliament
+thrust upon them might be a blessing in disguise, and expressed the
+hope that in working it they would set an example of tolerance and
+justice to all classes. Barely a third of the House took part in the
+division, and no Irish Member voted for the Third Reading, which was
+carried by 183 votes to 52; but, having regard to the influence of the
+unexpected in Irish affairs, this apparent apathy may be a good sign.
+After thirty-five years of acute strife, Home Rule for Ireland is, at
+any rate, no longer a party question.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "NOW, SERIOUSLY, MR. WIGGINS, CAN YOU RECOMMEND THE
+LAMB THIS WEEK?"
+
+"WELL, MA'AM, IT ALL DEPENDS WHAT YOU WANT IT FOR. IF YOU WERE
+THINKIN' OF EATIN' IT, SPEAKIN' AS MAN TO MAN, I SHOULD SAY 'NO.'"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Jones minor wants to know if the letter "T," used to designate the new
+super-bus, stands for "TARQUINIUS."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE GREAT IDEA.
+
+Perkins has got hold of a brilliant idea. He explained it to me in the
+Tube yesterday.
+
+"Our little world," he said, "is turned topsy-turvy."
+
+"Knocked absolutely sideways," I replied.
+
+"Those who were rich in the old days," said Perkins, "haven't two
+sixpences to rub together, and the world's workers are rolling in
+Royces and having iced meringues with every meal. What follows?"
+
+"Indigestion," I said promptly.
+
+"Everybody," he said, ignoring my _jeu d'esprit_, "feels like a fish
+out of water, and discontent is rife. The newly-poor man wishes he had
+in him the stuff of which millionaires are made, and the profiteer
+sighs for a few pints of the true ultramarine Norman blood, as it
+would be so helpful when dealing with valets, gamekeepers and the
+other haughty vassals of his new entourage. And that is where my
+scheme comes in. There are oceans of blue blood surging about in the
+veins and arteries of dukes and other persons who have absolutely no
+further use for such a commodity, and I'm sure lots of it could be had
+at almost less than the present price of milk. So what is to prevent
+the successful hosier from having the real stuff coursing through the
+auricles and ventricles of his palpitating heart, since transfusion is
+such a simple stunt nowadays?"
+
+"And I suppose," I said, "that you would bleed him first so as to make
+room for the new blood?"
+
+"There you touch the real beauty of my idea," said Perkins. "The
+plebeian sighs for aristocratic blood to enable him to hold his own in
+his novel surroundings; the aristocrat could do with a little bright
+red fluid to help him to turn an honest penny. So it is merely a case
+of cross-transfusion; no waste, no suffering, no weakness from loss of
+blood on either side."
+
+I gasped at the magnitude of the idea.
+
+"I'm drawing up plans," Perkins continued, "for a journal devoted
+to the matter, in which the interested parties can advertise their
+blood-stock for disposal, a sort of 'Blood Exchange and Mart.' The
+advertisements alone would pay, I expect, for the cost of production.
+See," he said, handing me a slip of paper, "these are the sort of ads.
+we should get."
+
+This is what I read:--
+
+"Peer, ruined by the War, would sell one-third of arterial contents
+for cash, or would exchange blood-outfits with successful woollen
+manufacturer.--5016 Kensington Gore, W.
+
+"To War Profiteers. Several quarts of the real cerulean for disposal.
+Been in same family for generations. Pedigree can be inspected at
+office of advertiser's solicitor. Cross-transfusion not objected to.
+Address in first instance, BART., 204, Bleeding Heart Yard, E.C.
+
+"Public School and University Man of Plantagenet extraction would like
+to correspond with healthy Coal Miner with view to cross-transfusion.
+Would sell soul for two shillings.--A. VANE-BLUDYER, 135, Down (and
+Out) Street, West Kensington, W."
+
+"Makes your blood run cold," I said, handing back the paper.
+
+"Not it," he said, detaching himself from the strap as the train drew
+into King's Cross; "not if the operation's properly performed."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A TRAGEDY IN BIRDLAND.
+
+    I.
+
+  Percy is a partridge bold
+  Who in Autumn, so I'm told,
+  Dwells among the turnip roots
+  And assists at frequent shoots,
+  Really I have seldom heard
+  Of a more precocious bird;
+  Possibly his landlord's not
+  What you'd call a first-rate shot,
+  And his pals, though jolly chaps,
+  Are not quite so good perhaps;
+  Still, he thinks their aim so trashy
+  That, I fear, he's getting rash. He
+  Even perches on the end
+  Of the gun my poor old friend
+  Bill employs for killing game.
+  True he's very blind and lame,
+  And he's well beyond the span
+  Meted out to mortal man,
+  And his gout is getting worse
+  (Meaning Bill, of course, not Perce);
+  Still, if he won't mend his ways,
+  One of these fine Autumn days
+  I'm afraid there's bound to be
+  Quite an awful tragedy.
+  He'll be shot--I'm sure he will
+  (Meaning Percy now, not Bill).
+
+    II.
+
+  Weep, ye lowering rain-swept skies!
+  In the dust our hero lies.
+  Weeping-willow, bow thy head!
+  Our precocious fowl is dead.
+  Sigh, thou bitter North Wind, for
+  Perce the Partridge is no more!
+
+  Now, as long as he was ready
+  Just to sit, sedate and steady,
+  On the barrel of the gun
+  Little mischief could be done;
+  But on that sad morn a whim
+  Suddenly seized hold of him;
+  'Twas the lunatic desire
+  To observe how shot-guns fire;
+  So he boldly took his stand
+  Where the barrel ended, and,
+  All agog to solve the puzzle,
+  Poked his napper up the muzzle.
+
+  Well, the weapon at the minute
+  Chanced to have a cartridge in it,
+  And it happened that my friend
+  Bill was at the other end,
+  Who with calm unflurried aim
+  Failed (at last) to miss the game.
+
+  With the tragic tale of Percy's
+  Death I meant to close these verses,
+  But we see quite clearly there, too,
+  Other ills that Bird is heir to.
+  He has also lost, you see,
+  Individuality;
+  Perce the Partridge, named and known,
+  With an ego all his own,
+  Disappears; and in his place
+  There remains but "half-a-brace."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _New Landlord._ "GEORGE, BILLIARDS WILL BE
+EIGHTEENPENCE A HUNDRED."
+
+_Potman._ "THAT'S MORE'N THEY PAID BEFORE, SIR."
+
+_New Landlord._ "WHAT DID THEY PAY?"
+
+_Potman._ "WELL, IT _WAS_ A BOB, BUT THEY MOSTLY SNEAKED OUT THROUGH
+THAT DOOR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Situations to Suit all Ages.=
+
+    "Lady-Typist (aged 1920) required for invoicing department of West
+    End wholesale firm."--_Daily Paper._
+
+    "Wanted, capable Person, about 3 years of age, to undertake all
+    household duties, country residence."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"DICK WHITTINGTON, 1920.
+
+    And, last of all, here is Dick WPhittington, otherwise known as
+    Alderman Roll, Lord Mayor of London."--_Evening Paper._
+
+But for the headline we should never have recognised him.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Beginner._ "I HOPE TO HEAVEN I'VE GOT THE LABELS
+ON THE RIGHT STICKS, OR I'M DONE!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+BEAU BRIMACOMBE.
+
+"Well, Uncle Tom," I said, leaning over the gate, "and what did you
+think of London?"
+
+On Monday morning Uncle Tom Brimacombe had driven off in his trap with
+his wife to the nearest station, five miles away, and had gone up to
+London for the first time in his life, "to see about a legacy."
+
+"Lunnon! mai laife. It's a vaine plaace. Ai used 'think Awkeyampton
+was a big town, but ai'm barmed if Lunnon dawn't beat un.
+
+"As you knaw, Zur, us 'ad to get up and gaw off 'bout three in th'
+morn'n, and us got upalong Lunnon 'bout tain. Well, the waife knew 'er
+waay 'bout, laike; 'er 's bin to Plymouth 'fore now. Zo when us gets
+out of the traain us gaws inzaide a sort er caage what taakes us down
+a 'awl in the ground. Ai was fraightened out 'me laife. 'Yer,' ai sez,
+'wur be us gwaine then?'
+
+"'Dawn'ee axno questions, me dyur,' sez the waife, 'or ai'll vorget
+ahl what the guard in the traain tawld us.'
+
+"Well, baimbai the caage stops gwaine down and us gets out, and ai'm
+blawed if us wadn't in a staation ahl below the ground! Then a traain
+comes out of anither 'awl, and befwer us 'ad zat down proper inzaide
+un, 'er was off agaain, 'thout waitin' vur watter nor noth'n'. Well,
+we zat us down and thur was tu little maids a-vaacin' us what 'adn'
+mwer'n lef' school a yer'tu, and naw zinner do they zet eyes on me
+than one of 'n whispers zimmat to tither and they bawth starts gazin'
+at my 'at and laaf'n'.
+
+"Well, ai stid it vur some taime and at laast ai cuden' a-bear it naw
+longer, so ai says to the waife, 'Fur whai they'm laaf'n' then? What's
+wrong wi' my 'at?'
+
+"'Dawn'ee taake naw nawtice of they,' 'er says. 'The little 'uzzies
+ought to be at 'awm look'n' aafter the chicken, 'staid of gallivantin'
+about ahl bai thursalves. Yure 'at's all raight.'
+
+"Ai was wear'n' me awld squeer brown bawlerat what ai wears to Laanson
+market on Zat'dys.
+
+"Well, zune us gets out, though ai caan't tall'ee whur tu 'twas, and
+ai caan't tall'ee what us did nither, vur me 'aid was gwaine round an'
+round and aachin' vit to burst. But us vound the plaace us was aafter
+and saigned ahl the paapers wur the man tawld us tu. Then, when us
+gets outsaide, the waife, 'er says, 'Look'ee, me dyur, thur's a bit
+of graass and some trees; us'll gawn zit down awver there and eat our
+paasties.'
+
+"Maighty pwer graass 'twas tu, but thur was seats, so us ait our
+paasties thur, and us bawth started crai'in when us bit into un. They
+zort 'er taasted of 'awm, laike.
+
+"Then ahl't once the waife, 'er says, 'Pon mai word, thur's a man
+taak'n our vottygraff.' And thur 'e was, tu, with a black tarpaulin
+awver 'is 'aid! 'Come away, me dyur,' says she; 'ai'm not gwaine to
+paay vur naw vottygraffs. Ai 'ad one done at Laanson 'oss shaw when
+ai was a gal, and it faaded clean away insaide a twelve-month.' Zo us
+gaws back along the staation agaan and comes 'awm just in taime to get
+the cows in.
+
+"Well, next evenin' ai went down along 'The Duke' to tall 'em ahl
+'bout Lunnon, but when ai gets insaide they ahl starts shout'n' and
+bangin' thur mugs and waav'n the paaper at me. 'What's come awver yu?'
+ai axes un; 'yume ahl gone silly then?'
+
+"'Theym bin and put yure vottygraff in the paaper, Uncle,' says John
+Tonkin, and 'awlds un out vur me to look. And thur, sure 'nuff, 'twas,
+with the waife in tu! So ai gets un to let me cut'n out and keep'n.
+Yur 'tis if 'eed laike to see un."
+
+Uncle Tom fumbled in his pocket, drew out a cutting and handed it to
+me. There surely enough was a photo of him and "the waife," sitting on
+a public garden-seat eating pasties and underneath the legend--
+
+    "SUITS YOUNG AND OLD ALIKE.
+
+  An old couple snapped in Hyde Park.
+  The gentleman, smart though elderly,
+  is seen wearing a brown model of _The
+  Daily Mail_ hat."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: =AFTER THE BALL.=
+
+"_The Spirit of Jazz._" "TAXI!"
+
+_Taxi-Driver._ "SORRY, SIR--OLE NICK 'AS JUST COPPED ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE CYNOSURE.
+
+Among the passengers on the boat was a tall dark man with a black
+moustache and well-cut clothes who spent most of his time walking the
+deck or reading alone in his chair. Every ship has such recluses, who
+often, however, are on the fringe of several sets, although members
+of none. But this man remained apart and, being so determined and
+solitary, he was naturally the subject of comment and inquiry, even
+more of conjecture. His name was easy to discover from the plan of the
+table, but we knew no more until little Mrs. King, who is the best
+scout in the world, brought the tidings.
+
+"I can't tell you much," she began breathlessly; "but there's
+something frightfully interesting. Colonel Swift knows all about him.
+He met him once in Poona and they have mutual friends. And how do you
+think he described him? He says he's the worst liver in India."
+
+There is no need to describe the sensation created by this piece of
+information. If the man had set us guessing before, he now excited
+a frenzy of curiosity. The glad news traversed the ship like wind,
+brightening every eye; at any rate every female eye. For, though the
+good may have their reward elsewhere, it is beyond doubt that, if
+public interest is any guerdon, the bad get it on earth.
+
+Show me a really bad man--dark-complexioned, with well-cut clothes
+and a black moustache--and I will show you a hero; a hero a little
+distorted, it is true, but not much the less heroic for that. Show me
+a notorious breaker of male hearts and laws and--so long as she
+is still in business--I will show you a heroine; again a little
+distorted, but with more than the magnetism of the virtuous variety.
+
+For the rest of the voyage the lonely passenger was lonely only
+because he preferred to be, or was unaware of the agitation which
+he caused. People walked for hours longer than they liked or even
+intended in order to have a chance of passing him in his chair and
+scrutinising again the features that masked such depravity. For that
+they masked it cannot be denied. A physiognomist looking at him would
+have conceded a certain gloom, a trend towards introspection, possibly
+a hypertrophied love of self, but no more. Physiognomists, however,
+can retire from the case, for they are as often wrong as hand-writing
+experts. And if any Lavater had been on board and had advanced such
+a theory he would have been as unpopular as JONAH, for the man's
+wickedness was not only a joy to us but a support. Without it the
+voyage would have been interminable.
+
+What, we all wondered, had he done? Had he murdered as well as
+destroyed so many happy homes? Was he crooked at cards? Our minds
+became acutely active, but we could discover no more because the old
+Colonel, the source of knowledge, had fallen ill and was invisible.
+
+Meanwhile the screw revolved, sweepstakes were lost and won, deck
+sports flourished, fancy-dress dances were held, concerts were
+endured, a Colonial Bishop addressed us on Sunday mornings and the
+tall dark man with the black moustache and different suits of well-cut
+clothes sat in his chair and passed serenely from one OPPENHEIM to
+another as though no living person were within leagues.
+
+It was not until we were actually in port that the Colonel recovered
+and I came into touch with him. Standing by the rail we took advantage
+of the liberty to speak together, which on a ship such propinquity
+sanctions. After we had exchanged a few remarks about the clumsiness
+of the disembarking arrangements I referred to the man of mystery and
+turpitude, and asked for particulars of some of his milder offences.
+
+"Why do you suppose him such a blackguard?" he asked.
+
+"But surely----" I began, a little disconcerted.
+
+"He's a man," the Colonel continued, "that everyone should be sorry
+for. He's a wreck, and he's going home now probably to receive his
+death sentence."
+
+This was a promising phrase and I cheered up a little, but only for a
+moment.
+
+"That poor devil," said the Colonel, "as I told Mrs. King earlier in
+the voyage, has the worst liver in India."
+
+E. V. L.
+
+
+
+A VACILLATING POLICY.
+
+(_A Warning against dealing with Disreputable Companies._)
+
+  When the Man of Insurance made his rounds
+  I "covered" my house for a thousand pounds;
+  Then someone started a fire in the grounds
+    At the end of a wild carouse.
+  The building was burnt; I made my claim
+  And the Man of Insurance duly came.
+            Said he, "Always
+            Our Company pays
+    Without any fuss or grouse;
+  But your home was rotted from drains to flues;
+  I therefore offer you as your dues
+  Seven hundred pounds or, if you choose,
+    A better and brighter house."
+
+  I took the money; I need not say
+  What abuse I hurled at his head that day;
+  But, when he began in his artful way
+    To talk of Insurance (Life),
+  And asked me to take out a policy for
+  My conjugal partner, my _cordium cor_,
+            "No, no," said I,
+            "If my spouse should die
+    We should enter again into strife;
+  You would come and say at the funeral, 'Sir,
+  Your wife was peevish and plain; for her
+  I offer six hundred or, if you prefer,
+    A better and brighter wife.'"
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE HAPPY GARDENER.
+
+(_Extracts from a Synthetic Diary a la mode._)
+
+_November 11th._--Now is the time to plant salsify, or the vegetable
+oyster, as it has been aptly named from its crustacean flavour so
+dear to herbaceous boarders. This may be still further accentuated
+by planting it in soil containing lime, chalk or other calcareous or
+sebaceous deposits.
+
+Hedgehogs are now in prime condition for baking, but it is desirable
+to remove the quills before entrusting the animal to the oven. But the
+hedgehog cannot be cooked until he is caught, and his capture should
+not be attempted without strong gloves. Those recently invented by
+Lord THANET are far the best for the purpose. It is a moot point among
+culinary artists whether the hedgehog should be served _en casserole_
+or in _coquilles_; but these are negligible details when you are
+steeped in the glamour of pale gold from a warm November sun, and
+mild air currents lag over the level leagues where the water is but
+slightly crimped and the alighting heron is lost among the neutral
+tints that envelop him....
+
+Though the sun's rays are not now so fervent as they were in the
+dog-days, gardening without any headgear is dangerous, especially in
+view of the constant stooping. For the protection of the _medulla_
+nothing is better than the admirable hat recently placed on the market
+by the benevolent enterprise of a great newspaper. But an effective
+substitute can be improvised out of a square yard of linoleum lined
+with cabbage-leaves and fastened with a couple of safety-pins.
+
+As the late Sir ANDREW CLARK remarked in a luminous phrase, Nature
+forgives but she never forgets. The complete gardener should always
+aim (unlike the successful journalist) at keeping his head cool and
+his feet warm; and here again the noble enterprise of a newspaper
+has provided the exact _desideratum_ in its happily-named Corkolio
+detachable soles, which are absolutely invaluable when roads are dark
+and ways are foul, when the reeds are sere, when all the flowers have
+gone and the carrion-crow from the vantage of a pollard utters harsh
+notes of warning to all the corvine company round about....
+
+Shod with Corkolio the happy gardener can defy these sinister
+visitants and ply the task of "heeling over" broccoli towards the
+north with perfect impunity.
+
+The ravages of stag-beetles, a notable feature of late seasons, and
+probably one of the indirect but none the less disastrous results of
+the Land Valuation policy of the PRIME MINISTER, can be kept down by
+leaving bowls of caviare mixed with molasses in the places which they
+most frequent. This compound reduces them speedily to a comatose
+condition, in which they can be safely exterminated with the aid of
+the patent hot-air pistolette (price five guineas) recently invented
+by a director of one of the journals already alluded to.
+
+But _tout lasse, tout casse, tout passe_; and while the kingfisher
+turns his sapphire back in the sun against the lemon-yellow of the
+willow leaves, and the smouldering russet of the oak-crowns succeeds
+to the crimson of the beeches and the gold of the elms, we shall do
+well to emulate the serene magnanimity of Nature and console ourselves
+with the reflection that the rural philosopher, if only assured of
+a sympathetic hearing in an enlightened Press and provided with a
+suitable equipment by the ingenuity of its directors, may contemplate
+the vagaries of tyrannical misgovernment with fortitude and even
+felicity.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A SARTORIAL TRAGEDY.
+
+    ["To be fashionable one must have the waist so narrow that there
+    is a strain upon the second button when the jacket is fastened."
+
+    _Note on Men's Dress._]
+
+  Garbed in the very height and pink of fashion,
+   To-day I sallied forth to greet my fair,
+  Nursing within my ardent heart a passion
+    I long had had a craving to declare;
+  Being convinced that never would there fall so
+    Goodly a chance again, I mused how she
+  Was good and kind and beautiful, and also
+        Expecting me to tea.
+
+  And after tea I stood before her, feeling
+    Now was the moment when the maid would melt,
+  My buttoned jacket helpfully revealing
+    The graces of a figure trimly svelte,
+  But, all unworthy to adorn a poet
+    Who'd bought it for a fabulous amount,
+  Just as I knelt to put the question, lo, it
+        Popped on its own account.
+
+  The button, dodging my attempts to hide it,
+    Rolled to her very feet and rested there,
+  And when I laid my loving heart beside it
+    She only smiled at that incongruous pair--
+  Smiled, then in contrite pity for the gloomy
+    Air that I wore of one whose chance is gone,
+  Promised that she would be a sister to me
+        And sew the button on.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A Test of Endurance.
+
+    "The dancing will commence at 9 p.m. and conclude at 2 p.m. Anyone
+    still wanting tickets may procure same at the Victoria."
+
+    _East African Paper._
+
+For ourselves, after seventeen hours' continuous dancing, we shall not
+want any more tickets.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a parish magazine:--
+
+    "A nation will not remain virulent which destroys the barriers
+    which protect the Sunday."
+
+We are all for protecting the Sunday, but we don't want to remain
+virulent. It is a terrible dilemma.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: SITUATION: _Burglar caught red-handed._
+
+_Woman._ "THE SORCE O' THE FELLER! 'E PRETENDED TO BE ME 'USBAND AND
+CALLED OUT, 'IT'S ALL RIGHT, DARLIN'--IT'S ONLY ME.' IT WAS THE WORD
+'DARLIN'' WOT GIVE 'IM AWAY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+In looking at the title-page of _John Seneschal's Margaret_ (HODDER
+AND STOUGHTON) no lover of good stories but will be saddened by the
+reflection that the superscription, "by AGNES and EGERTON CASTLE," is
+there seen for the last time. The double signature, herald of how much
+pleasure in the past, is here attached to a cheerfully improbable
+but well-told tale of the after-war about a returned soldier who was
+mistaken for his dead fellow-prisoner and hailed as son, heir and
+_fiance_ by the different members of the welcoming group in the home
+that wasn't his. The descriptions of this home, by the way--a house
+whose identification will be easy enough for those who know the
+beautiful North-Dorset country--are as good as any part of the book.
+If you protest that the resulting situation is not only wildly
+improbable but becoming a stock-in-trade of our novelists, I must
+admit the first charge, but point out that the authors here secure
+originality by making the deception an unintended one. _John Tempest_,
+who in the hardships of his escape has lost memory of his own
+identity, never ceases to protest that he is at least not the other
+_John_ for whom the members of the _Seneschal_ family persist in
+taking him--a twist that makes for piquancy if hardly for added
+probability. However, the inevitable solution of the problem provides
+a story entertaining enough, though not, I think, one that will
+obliterate your memory of others, incomparable, from hands to which we
+all owe a debt of long enjoyment.
+
+I read _Inisheeny_ (METHUEN), as I believe I have read every story by
+the same hand, at one sitting. Whose was the hand I will ask you to
+guess. Characters: one Church of Ireland parson, drily humorous, as
+narrator; one lively heroine with archaeological father, hunting for
+relics; one schoolboy; one young and over-zealous R.I.C. officer on
+the look-out for concealed arms; poachers, innkeepers, peasants, etc.
+Action, mostly amphibious, passes between the mainland of Western
+Ireland and a small islet off the coast. Will the gentleman who said
+"GEORGE A. BIRMINGHAM" kindly consider himself entitled to ten nuts?
+I suppose it was the mention of an islet that finally gave away my
+simple secret. Mr. "BIRMINGHAM" is one of the too few authors who
+understand what emotion an island of the proper size and right
+distance from the coast can raise in the human breast. _Inisheeny_
+delightfully fulfilled every condition in this respect; not to mention
+sheltering an illicit still and being the home of Keltic treasure.
+Precisely in fact the right kind of place, and the sort of story that
+hardly anyone can put down unfinished. I am bound to add that, perhaps
+a hundred pages from the actual end, the humour of the affair seems to
+lose spontaneity and become forced. But till the real climax of the
+tale, the triumphant return of the various hunters from _Inisheeny_, I
+can promise that you will find never a dull page.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+There were moments in _The Headland_ (HEINEMANN) when, with _Roma
+Lennox_, the "companion" and heroine, I "shivered, feeling that
+London, compared with the old house on the Headland and the family
+inhabiting it, was a clean place with a clear atmosphere and inhabited
+by robust, sane, straightforward persons. You felt homesick." Cornwall
+is notoriously inhabited by queer people, and the _Pendragon_ family
+was not merely queer but hereditarily rotten and decadent: the old
+father, who burns a valuable old book of his own to appease his
+violent temper; the granddaughter a kleptomaniac; the son of forty
+addicted to hideous cruelties. Unpleasant but well drawn, all of them.
+Mrs. C. A. DAWSON SCOTT has powerfully suggested the atmosphere of
+the strange and tragic household, mourning its dead mistress; and she
+understands the peculiar quality of the Cornish people and the Cornish
+seas. I have not read her other novels, but, if she will promise to
+wrestle with one or two rather irritating mannerisms, I will promise
+to look out for her next one. I have no prejudice against the Wellsian
+triplet of dots, but really Mrs. Scott does overdo it. And a good deal
+of her quite penetrating psycho-thingummy was spoiled for me by her
+trick of conveying nearly every impression and reflection of her
+characters through an impersonal "you" or "one." This means an economy
+of words and for a short time a certain vividness, but it soon becomes
+tedious. One knows what a tangle you get into if one starts using
+"one's" and "you's" in your letters; and you find that the author
+has been caught once or twice. However, the story is good enough to
+survive that.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+The title of _The Lady of The Lawn_ (JENKINS) has "the ornament of
+alliteration," but beyond that there doesn't seem to be any particular
+reason why Mr. W. RILEY should have chosen it. Certainly in his story
+there is an old lady who spends more of the winter on a lawn than any
+old lady of my acquaintance could be induced to, even with rugs and a
+summer-house to make up for the comforts of the fireside; but _Miss
+Barbara_ and her site really have not so much to do with the tale as
+its title seems to imply. The love affairs of a young officer who,
+while blind from wounds, fell in love with his nurse to the extent of
+becoming engaged to her and didn't recognise her when they met again,
+are Mr. RILEY'S real concern. _Eric_, who is quite as priggish as
+his name suggests, falls in love with his sweetheart, as a lady of
+leisure, all over again, and goes through agonies of remorse on
+account of his own faithlessness to her as a nurse. _Marion_ or
+_Constance_, for she uses two names to help the confusion, lets him
+suffer a while for the good of his soul, but the happy ending, the
+promise of which is breathed from every line of the book, is duly
+brought about. His publisher asserts that "there is no living author
+who writes about Yorkshire as does Mr. RILEY." I daresay he is quite
+right, but at least as far as the present book is concerned I don't
+think that I should have bothered to mention it.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those--and I suspect they are many--whose first real enthusiasm for
+ABRAHAM LINCOLN was kindled by Mr. JOHN DRINKWATER'S romantic morality
+play can profitably take up Mr. IRVING BACHELLER'S _A Man for the
+Ages_ (CONSTABLE) for an engaging account of the early days of the
+great Democrat. They will forgive a certain flamboyance about the
+author's preliminaries. Hero-worship, if the hero be worthy, is a very
+pardonable weakness, and they should certainly admire the skill and
+humour with which he has patched together, or invented where seemly,
+the story of lanky ABE, with his axeman's skill, his immense physical
+strength, his poor head for shopkeeping, his passion for books, his
+lean purse and "shrinking pants," his wit, courage and resource. A
+romance of reasonable interest and plausibility is woven round young
+Lincoln's story. Perhaps Mr. BACHELLER makes his hero speak a little
+too sententiously at times, and certainly some of his other folk say
+queer things, such as, "What so vile as a cheap aristocracy, growing
+up in idleness, too noble to be restrained, with every brutal passion
+broad-blown as flush as May?" What indeed! The picture of pioneering
+America in the thirties is a fresh and interesting one.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+To few of those who visit Switzerland, with its incomparable
+mountains, can it have occurred that, once a man is kept there against
+his will, it can be a prison as damnable as any other; possibly even
+more damnable by reason of those same inevitable mountains. British
+prisoners of war interned there knew that. Mr. R. O. PROWSE, in _A
+Gift of the Dusk_ (COLLINS), speaks with subtle penetration for those
+other prisoners, interned victims of the dreadful malady. Of necessity
+he writes sadly; but yet he writes as a very genial philosopher,
+permitting himself candidly "just that little cynicism which helps
+to keep one tolerant." He is of the old and entertaining school of
+sentimental travellers, but he is far from being old-fashioned. The
+story running through his observations and modern instances is so
+frail and delicate a thing that I hesitate to touch it and to risk
+disturbing its bloom. All readers, save the very young and the very
+old, will do well to travel with him, from Charing Cross ("I have a
+childlike fondness for trains. I like to be in them, I like to see
+them go by") to the peaceful, almost happy end, at the mountain refuge
+by the valley of the Rhone. They will not regret an inch of the way;
+and they will derive some very positive enjoyment from the picture of
+that most melancholy hotel where the story is set.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES.
+
+_Mounted Gentleman_ (_who has come to grief in a morass_). "IF I
+ESCAPE THIS PERIL I SUPPOSE I SHALL HAVE TO BUILD A CHURCH HERE AS A
+THANK-OFFERING. AN ILL SITE, I FEAR."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+A New Safety Model.
+
+    "Lady's strong cycle, 23-in. frame, 28 wheels."--_Cycling._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From an account of the M.C.C. team's match at Colombo:
+
+    "When the unlucky thirteen was reached, Hobbs, who was sleeping
+    finely, fell to a great catch at mid-on by Gunasekera."--_Ceylon
+    Paper._
+
+Happily HOBBS appears to have waked up when he got to Australia.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol.
+159, November 17, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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