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diff --git a/19334.txt b/19334.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..fd35f47 --- /dev/null +++ b/19334.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2244 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, +December 15, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 15, 1920 + + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: September 19, 2006 [eBook #19334] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, +VOL. 159, DECEMBER 15, 1920*** + + +E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project +Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net/) + + + +Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this + file which includes the original illustrations. + See 19334-h.htm or 19334-h.zip: + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334/19334-h/19334-h.htm) + or + (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334/19334-h.zip) + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + +DECEMBER 15, 1920. + + + + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +Apparently the official decision not to issue Christmas excursion +tickets for journeys of less than one hundred miles will inflict some +inconvenience on the public. Several correspondents point out that +they will be obliged to travel further than they had intended. + + * * * + +A newspaper correspondent describes CHARLIE CHAPLIN as being an +amusing companion in private life. We always suspect a popular +comedian of having his lighter moments. + + * * * + +"For twenty years," says a contemporary, "Superintendent Spencer of +Scotland Yard has been watching the King." We hasten to add that +during all that time HIS MAJESTY has never done anything to excite +suspicion. + + * * * + +This year's Oxford and Cambridge Rugby match is said to have been the +most exciting in the memory of the oldest undergraduate. + + * * * + +According to _The Daily Express_ twenty-five thousand Government +officials are on strike in Austria. People are asking why we can't +have this sort of thing in England. + + * * * + +Official kissing at Presidential functions is now discontinued in +France and visitors must shake hands in future. These curtailed +amenities are still an improvement on the Mexican custom of exchanging +revolver shots. + + * * * + +"Hats," says _The Times_' fashion correspondent, "are worn well on the +head." We have always regarded this as the best place to wear a hat +on. + + * * * + +White spats are to be fashionable this winter, we read. In muddy +weather, however, the colour-scheme may be varied. Only the other day +we saw one gentleman wearing a beautiful pair of Dalmatians. + + * * * + +So many singers want to run before they can walk, says Mr. BEN DAVIES. +With some singers whom we have heard, the ability to dodge as well as +run would be an advantage. + + * * * + +Loud cheers were given, says a Bolshevist wireless message, when LENIN +left Petrograd for Moscow. We can well believe it. + + * * * + +The Bolshevists now forbid men to walk through the streets with their +hands in their pockets. Hands in other peoples' pockets every time is +their motto. + + * * * + +A palpitating writer in a Sunday paper asks if the summit of English +life is being made a true Olympus or a rooting-ground for the swine +of EPICURUS. Judging by the present exorbitant price of a nice tender +loin of pork, with crisp crackling, we should say the former. + + * * * + +A West Norwood man who described himself as a poet told the magistrate +that he had twice been knocked down by a motor-cyclist. Our opinion is +that he should have given up poetry when he was knocked down the first +time. + + * * * + +Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL cannot be in two places at once, says _The +Bristol Evening News_. All the same it is a dangerous thing to put him +on his mettle like that. + + * * * + +Many people remain oblivious of the approach of Christmas until the +appearance of mistletoe at Covent Garden. We don't wait for that; we +go by the appearance in _The Daily Mail_ of a letter announcing the +discovery of primroses in Thanet. + + * * * + +Measures to arrest the subsidence of the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral +have again become imperative. The cause assigned is the depressing +effect of the DEAN. + + * * * + +Of several hats caught up in a recent whirlwind it was observed that +the one with the largest circulation was a "Sandringham." + + * * * + +A judge has decided that it is _ultra vires_ for a municipal body to +run a public laundry. Apparently this is to remain a monopoly of the +Royal Courts of Justice. + + * * * + +"The telephone," we are told, "was cradled in a dead man's ear." As +far as we can ascertain the other end of ours is still there. + + * * * + +Seventy is suggested by the London County Council as the age limit at +which coroners should retire. Complete justice cannot be done as long +as there is anything in the shape of identity of interest between the +coroner and the corpse. + + * * * + +"The natural position of the eyeballs in sleep," says a correspondent +of _The Daily Mail_, "is turned upwards." The practice of leaving +them standing in a tumbler of water all night should be particularly +avoided by light sleepers. + + * * * + +We are asked to deny the rumour that the POET LAUREATE is entitled to +draw the unemployment donation. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POKER-PLAYER'S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT. + +_Disguises your elation when you hold a fat hand_. + +Only five-and-sixpence post free in plain wrapper. + +Will pay for itself many times over.] + + * * * * * + +Theatre-Fashions in Malta. + + "The House was full to its utmost capacity, the elegant + night dresses and toilettes of the ladies presenting a fine + aspect."--_Malta Paper_. + + * * * * * + + "Ye Olde ---- Hotel. Hot and Cold Sheets." _Daily Paper_. + +Produced, we assume, by a water-bottle (h. and c.). + + * * * * * + + "THE DRY CHAMPAIGN IN SCOTLAND. + POLLING IN EDINBURGH." + + _Provincial Paper_. + +Judging by the results, the Scots seem still to prefer the local +vintage. + + * * * * * + + There was a young high-brow of Sutton + Who lived on hot air and cold mutton; + He knew not of GROCK, + But he idolized BROCK + (I don't mean the sculptor, but CLUTTON). + + * * * * * + + +TO THE LION OF LUCERNE. + + TINO, before you went away + To crouch behind a sheltering Alp, + How strong the limelight used to play + About your bald, but kingly, scalp! + And now, emerging from the shelf + (A site where Kings are seldom happy), + You must be pleased to find yourself + Once more resilient on the _tapis_. + + Over your past (Out, damned spots!) + With lavish bucketfuls you paint + The whitewash on to clean its blots + And camouflage the Teuton taint; + From WILLIAM and the family tie + Protesting your unbridled freedom, + "I know you not, old man," you cry, + "Fall to your prayers--you badly need 'em!" + + For Athens, to your great content, + Calls you to be her guiding star + (Only a paltry one per cent + Wanted to leave you where you are); + And you've agreed to take it on, + Jumped at the prospect Fate discloses, + And thought, "With VENEZELOS gone, + Life will be one long bed of roses." + + But mark the oversight you made, + Forgetting, while you waxed so fat, + That England, whom you once betrayed, + Might have a word to say to that; + Might, if for love of your fair eyes + Greece should decide again to wobble, + Conceivably withdraw supplies + And cut her off with half an obol. + + Roar loud, O Lion of Lucerne! + But lo, upon Britannia's shore + Another Lion takes his turn + And gives a rather louder roar; + Meaning, "It doesn't suit my views + To subsidise two sorts of beano, + And Greece will therefore have to choose + Between her tummy and her TINO." + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +ABOUT GOLF. + +Golf is obviously the worst game in the world. I doubt indeed whether +it is a game at all. + +It is played with a ball, about which, though I could say much, I will +say little. I will not decide whether it should have a heart of oak +or a heart of gold, whether it should go through a 1.6-inch ring or +a plate-glass window, whether it should sink like the German Navy or +float like the British. Enough, if not too much, has been said about +the standard ball. + +Golf is also played with a number of striking implements more +intricate in shape than those used in any other form of recreation +except dentistry. Let so much be agreed. + +Now, quite plainly, the essential idea underlying all games played +with a ball, whether a club, stick, mallet, bat or cue be added or no, +is that some interference should take place with the enemy's action, +some thwarting of his purpose or intent. In Rugby football, to take a +case, where no mallet is used, it is permissible to seize an opponent +by the whiskers and sling him over your right shoulder, afterwards +stamping a few times on his head or his stomach. This thwarts him +badly. The same principle applies, though in a milder form, to the +game of cricket, where you attempt to beat the adversary's bat with +your ball, or, if you have the bat, to steer the ball between your +adversaries, or at least to make them jolly well wish that you would. + +Even with the baser and less heroic ball games, like croquet and +billiards, where more than one ball is used at a time, action inimical +to the interests of the opponent's ball is permitted and encouraged. +Indeed in the good old days of yore, when croquet was not so strictly +scientific, a shrewd sudden stroke--the ankle shot, we called it, for, +after all, the fellow was probably not wearing boots--well, I daresay +you remember it; and I have once succeeded in paralysing the enemy's +cue arm with the red; but this needs a lot of luck as well as +strength, and is not a stroke to be practised by the beginner, +especially on public tables. + +We come then again to golf, and see at once that, with the miserable +and cowardly exception of laying the stymie, there is no stroke in +this game that fulfils the proper conditions which should govern +athletic contests involving the use of spherical objects with or +without instruments of percussion. + +And yet we read column after column about fierce encounters and +desperate struggles between old antagonists, when as a matter of fact +there is no struggle, no encounter at all. Against no other ball game +but golf, unless perhaps it be roulette, can this accusation be laid. +Ask a man what happened last Saturday. "I went out," he says, rather +as if he was the British Expeditionary Force, "in 41; but I came +home"--he smiles triumphantly; you see the hospital ship, the cheering +crowds--"in 39." Whether he beat the other fellow or not he hardly +remembers, because there was in fact no particular reason why the +other fellow should have been there. + +Golf matches ought to be arranged, and for my part I shall arrange +them in future, as follows:-- + +_He._ Can you play on Saturday at Crump? + +_I._ No, I'm not playing this week. + +_He._ Next week then? + +_I._ Yes, at Blimp. + +_He._ I can't come to Blimp. + +_I._ Well, let's play all the same. Your score this week at Crump +against mine next week at Blimp, and we'll have five bob on it. + +I'm not quite sure what his retort is, but you take my point. It +is manifestly absurd to drag the psychological element into this +cold-blooded mathematical pursuit. After all that England has done and +come through in the last few years, is a man in baggy knickerbockers, +with tufts on the ends of his garters, going to be daunted and foiled +just because a man in slightly baggier knickerbockers and with +slightly larger tufts on his garters has hit a small white pellet a +little further than he has? Hardly, I think. + +That is why, when I read long letters in the principal daily papers +about the expense of this so-called game, and calculations as to +whether it can be played for less than twenty-five shillings a time, +I am merely amused. In my opinion, if the relatives of members of +golf-clubs cannot afford to support them, these institutions should +either be closed or the inmates should be provided with some better +game, like basketball. That is what I feel about golf. + +All the same, if Enderby really thinks and believes that, because in +a nasty cross-wind I happened to be slicing badly and didn't know +the course and lost a ball at the twelfth, and he holed twice out of +bunkers and certainly baulked me by sniffing on the fifteenth tee, +and laid a stymie, mark you, of all places at the seventeenth, that +I can't beat him three times out of five in normal conditions and not +with that appalling caddy ---- well, I suppose one must do one's best +to relieve a fellow-creature of his hallucinations, mustn't one? + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE BOBLET. + +BRITANNIA (_counting her change_). "WHAT'S THIS?" + +OUR MR. CHAMBERLAIN. "THAT, MADAM, IS THE NEW SHILLING. IT HAS MORE +ALLOY THAN THE OLD, BUT THE SAME PURCHASING POWER." + +BRITANNIA. "PURCHASING WEAKNESS, YOU MEAN."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Host_ (_by way of keeping his guest's mind off the +state of the course_). "ASTONISHING HOW QUICKLY PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN +THE WAR." + +_Guest_. "WHAT--WITH THIS MUD, AND YOU AT THE SLOPE?"] + + * * * * * + +OUR HEAVY-WAITS. + +Our Boxing Correspondent sends us the following gloomy forecast. +We have pointed out to him that Mr. COCHRAN has recently made a +definite contract for a meeting between DEMPSEY and CARPENTIER. Our +Correspondent replies that this does not affect his attitude, and +urges us to publish his predictions of further delay. We do so under +protest. + +_Paris, December 22nd, 1920._--M. DESCHAMPS (CARPENTIER'S Manager) +denies all knowledge of any agreement with Mr. COCHRAN. + +_New York, December 24th, 1920._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN says that +DESCHAMPS must be dotty. He (C. B.) is returning by the _Mauretania_ +to-morrow. + +_London, April 17th, 1923._--As Mr. COCHRAN and M. DESCHAMPS have +not yet come to an agreement the fight for the World's Heavy-Weight +Championship is indefinitely postponed. JOE BECKETT meets Bombardier +WELLS to-night at the Circle. + +_London, April 18th, 1923._--Since the days of JIM CORBETT no more +polished exponent of the fistic art has graced the ring than our +Bombardier Billy. Thunders of applause greeted his appearance in the +"mystic square" last night. He flashed round his ponderous opponent, +mesmerising him with the purity of his style, the accuracy of his +hitting, the brilliance of his foot-work. He held the vast audience +spell-bound. BECKETT won on a knock-out in the second round. + +_London, August 11th, 1924._--Mr. LOVAT FRASER in a powerful article +(written _entirely_ in italics) in _The Daily Mail_ points out +the fearful tension the peace of Europe is undergoing through the +continued differences between Messrs. COCHRAN and DESCHAMPS, and +demands to know what the PREMIER is doing about it. + +_London, August 24th, 1924._--Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, acting under Mr. +LOVAT FRASER'S orders, has gone to Lympne (kindly lent by Sir PHILIP +SASSOON), where he will be joined by Mr. COCHRAN, M. DESCHAMPS and M. +MILLERAND. + +_London, September 30th, 1924._--The whole civilised world will +rejoice to hear that the differences between Mr. C. B. COCHRAN and M. +DESCHAMPS have at last been amicably settled. The great fight for the +world's heavy-weight championship is fixed to take place at Olympia on +November 17th. DEMPSEY is to receive L100,000, CARPENTIER L75,000. + +_London, October 4th, 1924._--It appears that Olympia was already +booked for November for _The Daily Mail's_ Ideal Pyjama Exhibition, +and Mr. C. B. COCHRAN has to-day issued a _communique_ to the Press +Association to the effect that the contest will be held definitely +in Sark (Channel Islands) on December 23rd. He has hired the entire +Cunard and White Star Fleets for the day, and those who cannot find +standing room on the island will be provided with seats and telescopes +in the ships' riggings. All will be welcome at fifty guineas a head. + +_New York, October 6th, 1924._--DEMPSEY denies that he is meeting +CARPENTIER on December 23rd. He laughs at the idea of fighting for +L100,000. + +"Heaven knows I am not mercenary," he says, "but there's such a thing +as a living wage." + +_London, October 7th, 1924._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN, in an interview +granted to our reporter yesterday, says that he has done with +fight-promoting for ever and will in future concentrate on performing +seals. + +_London, October 10th, 1924._--A sensation was caused at the Circle +last night when an old man jumped unannounced into the ring and +offered to fight anyone living to a finish for five pounds and a +pint of beer for the sheer fun of the thing. The disturber, who was +obviously out of his senses, was quickly removed. His identity has not +so far been established, but he is thought to be a fighter of the old +school escaped from confinement. + +No authoritative announcement has been made as to who will assume Mr. +COCHRAN'S extensive boxing engagements, but rumour is busy with the +name of Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY. + +_New York, January 31st, 1925._--Mr. W. BRADY, the veteran +fight-promoter, has signed up J. DEMPSEY and GEORGES CARPENTIER to +meet at Havana, Cuba, on Easter Monday, 1925. DEMPSEY will draw +L200,000, CARPENTIER L150,000. + +_New York, February 8th, 1925._--Following Mr. W. BRADY'S +announcement, Mr. TEX RICKARDS (promoter of the JEFFRIES-JOHNSON +contest) has now come forward, stating that DEMPSEY and CARPENTIER +have signed a contract with him to fight at Nome, Alaska, on Shrove +Tuesday, for a quarter-of-a-million each. + +_New York, February 19th, 1925._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN, who arrived +on the _Aquitania_ this morning, says that the two champions have +contracted to meet under his management at Tristan d'Acunha on Good +Friday for half-a-million each and a percentage on the popcorn and +peanut sales. + +_New York, March 3rd, 1925._--With the view of lifting the national +depression consequent on the hitch in the world's championship +arrangements, Mr. HENRY FORD, whose successes as a mediator are +celebrated, is labouring to bring about a conciliatory meeting between +the rival promoters. + +_New York, July 12th, 1925._--Mr. HENRY FORD'S efforts, fortified by +the prayers of the Rev. WILLIAM SUNDAY, have at length borne fruit. +Messrs. BRADY, COCHRAN and RICKARDS have consented to talk matters +over. The White House has been placed entirely at the disposal of the +promoters, their families, secretaries, legal advisers, etc. + +_Washington, D.C., July 20th, 1925._--Mr. HENRY FORD'S "Peace Party" +has not proved an unqualified success. Battle royal broke out among +the delegates at noon yesterday. Messrs. BRADY, COCHRAN and RICKARDS +have been taken to hospital, but are not expected to recover. The +White House is in ruins. + + +THE GREAT FIGHT. + +_Geneva, July 4th, 1960._--The fight for the Heavyweight Championship +of the World, held under the auspices of the League of Nations, took +place yesterday before a gigantic crowd. DEMPSEY, who now wears a +flowing white beard, was wheeled into the ring in a bath-chair. +CARPENTIER, now wholly bald, appeared on crutches and was seconded +by two trained nurses and his youngest grandson. Both champions +were assisted to their feet by their supporters, shook hands and +immediately clinched. In this clinch they remained throughout the +entire round, fast asleep. At the opening of the second round they +attempted to clinch again, but missed each other, overbalanced +and went to the mat. Neither could be persuaded to get up, and +consequently both were counted out. + +It is therefore impossible to say who won or who lost, and the +Heavyweight Championship of the World remains as open a question as +ever. + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Second_ (_to stout entrant in a Novice Competition_). +"NOW, DON'T FORGET--AS SOON AS THE BELL GOES RUSH AT 'IM AN' KEEP +FLITTIN' IN AN' OUT LIKE BITS O' FORKED LIGHTNIN'."] + + * * * * * + + +EVE VICTORIOUS. + +"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?" said Christopher. + +"Christopher," I answered, "girls are the very dickens. You can't +trust 'em. Never have anything to do with girls, my boy." + +"I'm not going to," said Christopher. + +This is what we said to each other afterwards. If either of us had +thought of it before---- But that's the usual way, of course. + + * * * * * + +Christopher and I were sitting by the fire. We were very peaceful and +happy together, pretending to look at a book but really doing nothing +at all. + +Then Dorothy came into the room. Dorothy is Christopher's cousin and +six years old. Not that her age matters--six, sixteen or sixty, they +are all the same. + +"What are you doing?" inquired Dorothy. + +"Nothing," murmured Christopher contentedly. + +"I wanted you to come and play with me." + +Christopher shuffled uneasily and I came to the rescue. + +"Not now, Dorothy," I said; "we are too comfortable. Come and have a +look at this book with us." + +Dorothy looked at me as though she had just realised my presence. + +"I want Christopher to come and play with me," she repeated. + +Christopher has a fine old-fashioned idea of a host's duty to his +guests. He stifled a yawn and slid from my knee. + +"All right, Dorothy," he said. "What shall we play?" + +Dorothy skipped like a young lamb. "Hide and Seek," she sang. "I'll go +and hide. Don't look till I call." + +She danced gaily and triumphantly out of the room. + +Now I don't mind being snubbed and I certainly shouldn't trouble about +a spot of a child who ought to have been kept in the nursery. Of +course it's ridiculous even to begin explaining, isn't it? The thing's +obvious. No, I felt that Dorothy should be taught a lesson; that is +all. I thought it would be good for her. + +"That settles Dorothy," I said deliberately. "Now we can go on +reading." + +"But she wants me to go and look for her," explained Christopher. + +"Then let her want," I said shortly. "We can't always +be---- Christopher, we'll have a game with Dorothy. We'll stop where we +are and let her look for herself." + +Christopher chuckled. "She'll be awfully angry," he said uncertainly. + +"Good!" said I. + +"Cooee!" came a voice from the far-away. We laughed guiltily to +ourselves and settled down in the chair. The scheme proceeded +according to plan. + +After sundry shrieks and screeches and whistles Dorothy grew impatient +and adopted bolder tactics. + +"You can't find me," she called hopefully. + +I felt that it was time for a little encouragement. + +"I wonder where she can be?" I said loudly. + +There was a long silence. At last Dorothy grew desperate. "Look under +the armchair in the hall," she called. + +Christopher and I smiled to ourselves. Then suddenly we heard her +creeping towards the door. I blame Christopher for what followed. + +"She's coming," he whispered excitedly. "Let's hide." + +There was no time to think. We slipped rapidly under the table. A +ridiculous thing to do, of course; so undignified. I kick myself when +I think of it, but at the time---- Well, it was Christopher's fault for +getting excited. So there we were squashed under the table when the +door opened and Dorothy appeared. + +"I don't believe----" she began, and then stopped. "Why, they're +not here," she gasped. And then Christopher spoilt everything by +spluttering. I strangled him at once and we hoped that Dorothy hadn't +heard. We saw her legs standing very still by the door. Then they +moved quickly round the table to the fireplace. Christopher and I held +our breaths and waited. We saw that Dorothy was pulling our chair +round to face the fire. Then she sat herself in it and all we could +see was the back of the chair. + +There was a great silence. Christopher and I looked at each other and +decided that something must be done. + +I cleared my throat quietly. "Cooee!" I fluted. + +Dorothy began to sing a hymn in a loud voice. + +And then Cecilia came into the room. + +Now Cecilia is Christopher's mother and my sister. You will understand +that neither Christopher nor I would care to appear ridiculous in +front of her. So we kept quiet. + +"Hallo, Dorothy," said Cecilia; "all by yourself? Where's +Christopher?" + +"I'm reading Christopher's book," said Dorothy, ignoring the question. +"May I?" + +"Of course, dear," said Cecilia, sitting down. There was a lot more +silence. It grew very hot and uncomfortable under the table. + +"What shall we do, Uncle?" whispered Christopher. + +"Come on," I said desperately. We crawled out and stood up. + +"What on earth----" began Cecilia. + +I managed a watery smile. "_Here_ we are," I said to Dorothy. + +Dorothy looked at us in surprise. + +"You _are_ untidy," she said. "Whatever have you been doing?" + +Christopher swallowed indignantly. "We were playing 'Hide and Seek' +with you," he said. + +"Oh, I stopped playing a long time ago," said Dorothy. "I'm reading +now." She turned to our book again. Cecilia began to laugh. + +"Come and have a wash, Christopher," I said in a strangled voice, and +we moved off sheepishly. + + * * * * * + +"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?" said Christopher. + +"Christopher," I answered, "girls are the very----" Well, I told you +at the beginning what we said to each other. + + * * * * * + +HIGH EXPLOSIVE ART. + + [_The Morning Post_ has been conducting a vigorous campaign + against singers who dispense with careful and prolonged training, + and by their spasmodic and declamatory style suggest the title of + "gaspers."] + + Oh, all young folk of tuneful aims + And fancy names like Joan and Jasper, + I hope you'll read (and duly heed) + _The Morning Post_ upon the "gasper." + + 'Tis not the "fag" that is turned down, + Though that often proves a rasper + Upon the larynx; here the noun + Denotes the human, singing gasper. + + Rome was not builded in a day, + Nor even row-boats (_teste_ CLASPER); + No more are voices which will stay, + Unlike the organ of the gasper. + + Attorneys need, before they start, + Five years of training, but the grasper + Who grudges one to vocal art + Will end, as he began, a gasper. + + Wherefore, ye men and maids who chant, + Refrain at all costs from exasper- + ating _The Morning Post_, which can't + Abide the methods of the gasper. + + * * * * * + +Another Impending Apology. + + "St. ---- Hall was filled last night with people, with Scottish + song--and with fog. Perhaps nothing but the ---- Orpheus Choir + could have done that."--_Scottish Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "THE JAPANESE BUDGET. + + Tokio, Tuesday. + + The Cabinet has approved of the Budget, which totals 1,562 million + yen (about 2s.)." + + _Jersey Paper._ + +Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, please copy. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE POWER OF SENTIMENT.] + + * * * * * + + +LITTLE BITS OF LONDON. + +BOND STREET. + +I find it very difficult to walk slowly down Bond Street as one +ought to do; I always feel so guilty. Most of the people there look +scornfully at me as if I belonged to Whitechapel, and the rest look +suspiciously at me as if I belonged to Bond Street. My clothes are +neither good enough nor bad enough. So I hurry through with the tense +expression of a man who is merely using Bond Street as a thoroughfare, +because it is the way to his dentist--as indeed in my case it is. +But recently I _did_ saunter in the proper way, and I took a most +thrilling inventory of the principal classes of shops, the results of +which have now been tabulated by my statistical department. + +For instance, do you know how many shops in the street sell things for +ladies to wear (not including boots, jewellery or shoes)? No? Well, +there are thirty-three. Not many, is it? But then there are twenty-one +jewellers (including pearl shops) and eight boot and/or shoe shops; so +that, with two sort of linen places, which may fairly be reckoned +as female, the ladies' total is sixty-four. I only counted a +hundred-and-fifty shops altogether. Of that total, nine are places +where men can buy things to wear, and ten are places where they can +buy things to smoke; I have charitably debited all the cigarette-shops +to the men, even the ones where the cigarettes are tipped with +rose-leaves and violet-petals. But even if I do that and give the men +the two places where you can buy guns and throw in the one garden-seat +shop, we are left with the result:-- + + Feminine Shops. Masculine Shops. + + Dress 33 Dress 9 + Jewellers 21 Tobacco 10 + Boots and Shoes 8 Motors 9 + Sort of Linen Places 2 Guns 2 + Dog Bureau 1 Garden Seats 1 + -- -- + 65 31 + +From these figures a firm of Manchester actuaries has drawn the +startling conclusion that Bond Street is more used by women than by +men. It may be so. But a more interesting question is, how do all +these duplicates manage to carry on, considering the very reasonable +prices they charge? At one point there are three jewellers in a row, +with another one opposite. Not far off there are three cigarette-shops +together, madly defying each other with gold-tips and silver-tips, +cork-tips and velvet-tips, rose-tips and lily-tips. There is only one +book-shop, of course, but there are about nine picture-places. How do +they all exist? It is mysterious. + +Especially when you consider how much trouble they take to avoid +attracting attention. There are still one or two window-dressers +who lower the whole tone of the street by adhering to the +gaudy-overcrowded style; but the majority, in a violent reaction +from that, seem to have rushed to the wildest extremes of the +simple-unobtrusive. They are delightful, I think, those reverent +little windows with the chaste curtains and floors of polished walnut, +in the middle of which reposes delicately a single toque, a single +chocolate or a single pearl. Some of the picture-places are among +the most modest. There is one window which suggests nothing but the +obscure branch of a highly-decayed bank in the dimmest cathedral town. +On the dingy screen which entirely fills the window is written simply +in letters which time has almost erased, "---- ---- PICTURES." Nothing +could be less enticing. Yet inside, I daresay, fortunes are made +daily. I noticed no trace of this method at the Advertisers' +Exhibition; they might give it a trial. + +Now no doubt you fondly think that Bond Street is wholly devoted to +luxuries; perhaps you have abandoned your dream of actually buying +something in Bond Street? You are wrong. To begin with, there are +about ten places where you can buy food, and, though there is no pub. +now, there is a cafe (with a licence). There are two grocers and a +poulterer. There is even a fish-shop--you didn't know that, did you? I +am bound to say it seemed to have only the very largest fish, but they +were obviously fish. + +Anyone can go shopping in Bond Street. I knew a clergyman once who +went in and asked for a back-stud. He was afterwards unfrocked for +riotous living, but the stud was produced. You can buy a cauliflower +in Bond Street--if you know the ropes. There is a shop which merely +looks like a very beautiful florist's. There are potatoes in the +window, it is true, but they are "hot-house" ones; inside there is +no trace of a common vegetable. But if you ask facetiously for a +cauliflower (as I did) the young lady will disappear below ground and +actually return with a real cauliflower (_de luxe_, of course). I +remember few more embarrassing episodes. + +And if you like to inquire at the magnificent provision-merchant's he +too will conjure up from the magic cellars boot-cream and metal-polish +and all those vulgar groceries which make life possible. That is the +secret of Bond Street. Beneath that glittering display of luxurious +trivialities there are vast reserves of solid prosaic necessaries, +only waiting to be asked for. A man could live exclusively on Bond +Street. I don't know where you would buy your butchers' meat, but I +have a proud fancy that, if you went in and said something to one of +those sleek and sorrowful jewellers, he too would vanish underground +and blandly return to you with a jewelled steak or a plush chop. + +Many years ago, they tell me, there _was_ a butcher in Bond Street. +Perhaps you dealt there. For my part I was not eating much meat in +those days. But I can imagine his window--a perfect little grotto of +jasper and onyx, with stalactites of pure gold, and in the middle, +resting on a genuine block of Arctic ice, an exquisite beef-sausage. I +wish he would come back. + +It is difficult to realise that there is anything but shop-windows in +Bond Street, but I like to think that, up there in those upper storeys +which one never sees, there does dwell a self-contained little +community to whom Bond Street is merely the village street, down which +the housewives pass gossiping each morning to the greengrocer's or the +fishmonger's and never purchase any pearls at all. + +When the butcher comes back I think I shall join them. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Father_. "LOOK HERE, BILLY, MR. SMITH CALLED AT THE +OFFICE THIS MORNING ABOUT YOUR FIGHT WITH HIS BOY YESTERDAY." + +_Son_. "DID HE? I HOPE YOU GOT ON AS WELL AS I DID."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of +woollen gloves_). "OH, MUMMY, I WISH YOU HAD GOT KID. I HATE THIS +KIND; THEY MAKE MY SWEETS SO HAIRY."] + + * * * * * + + +THE SAD CASE OF EL GRECO. + +It was at the National Gallery, situated on the north side of +Trafalgar Square, that I first made the acquaintance of one DOMENICO +THEOTOCOPULI, a native of Crete, who--probably because his own people +wanted him to be a stockbroker or something--set up as a painter +in Spain, and was dubbed by the Dons "El Greco," as you might say +"Scottie." + +For years I have been rather tickled by his manner of depicting Popes +and Saints as if they were reflected in elongating mirrors labelled, +"Before Dining at the Toreador Restaurant." But until quite lately +I hardly ever met anyone who had even noticed him, so I felt quite +bucked on the old chap's account when I heard that he was considered +one of the most distinguished of the Spanish painters, past and +present, who are on view just now at Burlington House. + +And what surprises me is not that old THEOTOCOPULI should attract so +much attention in Piccadilly, but that such lots of people seem never +to have known that he has been exhibiting himself all this time in +Trafalgar Square. + +I'm sure Mrs. Bletherwood didn't, for one, when she tackled me at the +Chattertons' the other afternoon. + +"Of course you've been to Burlington House?" she began, and she was in +such a hurry to get first innings that she didn't give me time to say +that I hadn't yet, but that I meant to go on my first free day that +wasn't foggy. + +"Don't you _love_ those quaint 'El Grecos'?" she went on. "He's quite +a discovery, don't you think? My daughter Muriel, who hopes to get +into the Slade School soon now, says she doesn't see how anybody _can_ +see people differently from the way 'El Greco' saw people. And yet I +don't know that I _quite_ like the idea of Muriel seeing _me_ like +that, although she's _so_ clever...." + +I could not help thinking that in Mrs. Bletherwood's case the "El +Greco" treatment would be an admirable corrective to a certain lateral +expansion. + +"Besides," she continued in a confidential tone, "I've heard or read +somewhere that there's just a doubt whether he distorted people on +purpose or because there was something wrong with his eyes. If I +thought it was astigmatism I would insist on taking Muriel to an +oculist. I wonder what you think." + +I raised my teacup suggestively. + +Mrs. Bletherwood gasped. "You don't mean that he----" + +"Like a fish," I said. + +"Oh, how too disgraceful!" she exclaimed. "Fancy their having his +pictures there at all. Such religious subjects too. I shall warn +Muriel at once. I'm so thankful you told me...." + +Have I done a wrong to Senor DOMENICO THEOTOCOPULI ("El Greco")? +Perhaps; but I hope it has prevented Miss Muriel Bletherwood from +doing him a greater. + + * * * * * + + "Sun Sets This Morning 8.8 + Sun Sets To-night 3.56" + + _Liverpool Paper_. + +Just as in London last Wednesday. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Vicar's Wife_. "THE VICAR WAS ASKING ONLY THIS MORNING +WHY YOU WEREN'T IN THE HABIT OF ATTENDING CHURCH." + +_Latest Inhabitant_. "WELL, YOU SEE, IT DOES SO CUT INTO ONE'S SUNDAYS."] + + * * * * * + +CURES FOR INSOMNIA. + +The following correspondence, clearly intended for the Editor of _The +Daily Ailment_, has found its way into our letter-box. Another example +of post-office inefficiency. + +SIR,--As a regular reader of your valuable journal I am always deeply +interested in the views of your readers as expressed in its columns. +The recent letters on the cure of insomnia have interested me +particularly. Although I have read your paper for many years, always +eaten standard bread, study most diligently each morning my lesson +on Government wobble and waste, grow sweet peas, keep fowls, take my +holidays early (in Thanet) and read the feuilleton, in short perform +all the duties of an enthusiastic loyal Englishman, I cannot sleep. +Yesterday I decided to try the remedies suggested by your readers. + +After inviting sleep with "a dish of boiled onions" I found that I +must go to bed "without having eaten anything for five hours or so." +This meant sitting up very late, but I found the time useful for +taking "deep long breaths." Meanwhile I ran through the names of +my friends alphabetically and emptied the feathers from my pillow, +replacing them with hops. Sometimes a hop got mixed up in a "deep long +breath," which was rather pleasant. + +Every few minutes I left my friends' names to say to myself, "I am +terribly sleepy," or "I am falling asleep;" this was wrong, as the +boiled onions had not had nearly five hours. "Relaxing all my muscles" +was rather awkward, as one hand was filling the pillow with hops and +the other was "holding a wet sponge," which _would_ drip water on +the sheets. Another difficulty was "wafting myself in an imaginary +aeroplane" to bring about "a state of oblivion and coma," which I +might perhaps have done more easily by putting the hops to another +use. + +I had to cut out the "recital of the Litany," partly because my +friends' names had only got as far as George (Lloyd), and also +because, being a Nonconformist, I don't know it. (I must learn it now +the feuilleton is finishing.) + +But the most annoying part of the business was to find that, after all +this elaborate preparation for sleep, I was to "take a brisk walk for +half-an-hour" (whatever the weather conditions). Even this did not +work, for by that time the milkmen and newsboys were heralding the +dawn and kept my brain too alert. + +As a final effort, do you think you could produce a nightcap model +of the Sandringham, or is it quite impossible for one who reads your +paper to be anything but wideawake? + + * * * * * + +THE PERFECT PARTNER. + + There are, my Mabel, men who vow + The perfect wife is theirs + Because she smoothes the ruffled brow + And drives away their cares; + While there are others hold the view + That she is best who'll pay + Some trivial attention to + Her promise to obey. + + Well, let each babble in his turn + About that spouse of his; + Not knowing you, how could they learn + What true perfection is? + Of all your sex you stand most high + By far and very far + Who mid your Christmas gifts can buy + A smokeable cigar. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ECONOMISTS. + +SCENE.--_The Coalition Golf Club de luxe_. + +MR. BONAR LAW. "DARE WE HAVE CADDIES?" + +MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "NO, NO. WE ARE OBSERVED. THE PLACE IS ALIVE WITH +ELECTORS." + +("Watch your M.P.!"--_Poster of Anti-Waste Press_.)] + + * * * * * + + +ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT. + +[Illustration: THURSDAY. + +[After the Painting by W. DENDY SADLER.] + +SIR D. MACLEAN, MR. HOGGE, MR. G. LAMBERT, MR. G. R. THORNE, MR. +ASQUITH, MR. ACLAND, GENERAL SEELY.] + +_Monday, December 6th._--"Logic has never governed Ireland and never +will," said Lord MIDLETON to-day. It was certainly conspicuous by its +absence from a good many of the speeches made in Committee on the +Government of Ireland Bill. Representatives of Southern Ireland have +been clamouring for greater financial control, but they quite changed +their tone when Clause 24, enabling the Irish Parliaments to impose +a surtax upon residents in Ireland, came up for discussion. +While professing the greatest confidence in the desire of their +fellow-countrymen to treat them fairly, Lords DROGHEDA, SLIGO and +WICKLOW agreed in thinking that this was too dangerous a power to +entrust to them; it would breed absenteeism and drive capital out of +the country. + +Lord FINLAY, to whom as a Scotsman logic still makes appeal, was for +the deletion of the whole clause. But the Irish Peers again objected; +for they desired to preserve for the Irish Parliaments power to remit +Imperial taxes, on the off-chance that some day it might be exercised. +And they carried their point. + +According to Lieut.-Colonel CROFT the pencils used by the British +Post-Office are procured from the United States. As one who has +suffered I can only hope that Anglo-American friendship, already +somewhat strained by the bacon episode, will survive this revelation. + +On the strength of a rumour that the seed of Irish peace had been +planted in Downing Street, Mr. HOGGE promptly essayed to root it up in +order to observe its progress towards fruition. The PRIME MINISTER, +however, gave no encouragement to his well-intentioned efforts. Nor +did he satisfy Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY'S curiosity as to whether +Father O'FLANAGAN was "a Sinn Feiner on the bridge," beyond saying +"that is what we want to find out." + +_Tuesday, December 7th._--After a week's interval for reflection and +study Lord LINCOLNSHIRE moved the rejection of the Agriculture Bill. +Adapting an old joke of Lord SPENCER'S, made in "another place" a +generation ago, he observed that this was no more an agricultural Bill +than he himself was an agricultural labourer. He knows however how +to call a spade a spade, if not something more picturesque, and he +treated the measure and its authors to all the resources of a varied +vocabulary. Possibly his brother peers, while enjoying his invective, +thought that it had been a little bit overdone, for of the subsequent +speakers only Lord HINDLIP announced his intention of voting against +the Bill, the others being of opinion that parts of it were, not +excellent perhaps, but at least tolerable. + +In the Commons Viscount CURZON pressed upon the Government the +desirability of licensing side-car combinations as taxi-cabs. The idea +might, one feels, appeal to a Coalition Government but Sir JOHN BAIRD +for the Home Office hinted at the existence of "serious objections." + +Collectively the House has an infantile mind. It went into kinks of +laughter over a question put by Dr. MURRAY regarding the "daily mail +service" between one of his beloved islands and the Scottish mainland. +The author of the joke--and small blame to him--quite failed to +appreciate how funny he had been until his neighbours muttered in +stage-whispers, "_Daily Mail!_" "_Daily Mail!_" Then a wan smile broke +over his own features. + +It has been stated in certain newspapers that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN has +refused the Viceroyalty of India in consequence of the weak state of +his health, and that for the same cause he is likely to vacate shortly +the Chancellorship of the Exchequer. All I can say is that on the +Treasury Bench he betrays no outward sign of this regrettable debility +when dealing with critics of the Treasury. It is not easy to puncture +the _aes triplex_ of Mr. BOTTOMLEY, but two words from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN +did it this afternoon. + +Sir ROBERT HORNE got a second reading for the Dyes Bill, a measure which +he commended as being necessary to protect what is a key-industry both +in peace and war. Dye-stuffs and poison-gas are, it seems, inextricably +intermingled, and unless the Bill is passed we shall be able neither to +dye ourselves nor to poison our enemies. + +_Wednesday, December 8th._--The Agriculture Bill found one +thoroughgoing supporter in the Duke of MARLBOROUGH, an "owner-occupier" +so enamoured of Government control that he desires to see the whole of +the ditches and hedges of England administered out of public funds; and +a host of critics, friendly and otherwise. Lord CHAPLIN, though he +thought the Bill one of the worst ever introduced, declined to vote +against the Second Reading; Lord HARRIS believed that it would make +very little difference one way or the other; Lord RIBBLESDALE, as an +old-fashioned Free Trader, would have nothing to do with it; Lord LOVAT +was of opinion that as an insurance for our food supply it would not +compare with a Channel Tunnel; and Lord BUCKMASTER feared that it would +rather strengthen than allay the demand for land nationalisation. The +Government approached the division in some trepidation and were the +more rejoiced when, in an unusually big House, the Second Reading was +carried by 123 votes to 85. + +But for the self-sacrifice of Mr. SPEAKER the Commons would have made +themselves ridiculous this evening. Major ARCHER-SHEE wanted to have +up a certain newspaper for breach of privilege in endeavouring to +dictate to Members how they should vote. He obtained leave to move the +adjournment and would doubtless have provided the peccant journal with +a valuable free advertisement had not Mr. LOWTHER, reckless of his +reputation for infallibility, suddenly remembered that motions for the +adjournment were intended for criticising the Government and not for +rebuking irresponsible outsiders. At his request the gallant Major +withdrew his motion, and _The Daily_ ---- lost its advertisement. + +Invigorated by this episode the House--or what was left of it--resumed +the Report stage of the Ministry of Health Bill. The debate was +remarkable for the brevity of some of the speeches. Sir ROWLAND BLADES +set a good example to new Members by making a "maiden" effort in a +minute and a half. But his record was easily beaten by Mr. SEXTON, who +found ten seconds sufficient for expressing his opinion that the +fact that the House was trying to legislate in the small hours was +sufficient proof of the necessity of extending the laws of lunacy. +"_Si argumentum requiris circumspice_," he might have said as he gazed +upon the recumbent and yawning figures around him. + +_Thursday, December 9th._--Mr. BONAR LAW enumerated a portentous list +of measures which the House of Commons must pass if it wants to enjoy +its Christmas holidays in peace. Lord HUGH CECIL wanted to know what +was the use of passing "all these foolish little Bills." Mr. PEMBERTON +BILLING had another solution for the difficulty and asked, "Why not +pass them all _ad hoc_?" meaning, it is supposed, "_en bloc_." + +Well might the PRIME MINISTER remark at Question-time that he welcomed +the attacks of a certain section of the Press on the "Wastrels" +because then he knew the Government was all right. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT +made a lively speech in support of his proposal to "ration" the +Government to a sum of L808,000,000--the amount Mr. CHAMBERLAIN had +said would suffice for a normal year. But his criticisms were too +discursive to be really dangerous, and his condemnation of "sloppy +Socialism" put up the backs of the Labour Party. + +The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER reminded the House that when he talked +of a "normal Budget" he had been careful to add, "but not this year, +next year or the year after," which sounds suspiciously like the +nursery formula, "This year, next year, sometime, NEVER." + +Still the great majority of the Members were only too anxious to be +convinced, and passed by a huge majority the "blanketing" amendment of +Sir GODFREY COLLINS in favour of economy in the abstract. I don't know +how this is to be squared with the PRIME MINISTER'S theory that it +is the business of the Government "to see that the population is +contented." That sounds a little like _panem et circenses_--a policy +which did not work out cheaply. + +_Friday, December 10th._--With the air of one who has something fresh +and strange to impart the PRIME MINISTER informed the House of Commons +to-day that in regard to Ireland "the Government are determined on a +double policy." The novelty presumably consists in putting those +old stagers, conciliation and coercion, hitherto only tried +tandem-fashion, into double harness. Martial law is to be introduced +in certain of the most disturbed districts, and at the same time +such Sinn Fein M.P.'s as are not "on the run" are to be called into +conference. On the face of it the prospect looks unpromising, but +happily Ireland is essentially the place where nothing happens save +the unexpected. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Actor-Manager of Touring Company._ "CONFOUND OUR LUCK! +THE LEADING LADY HAS DESERTED US IN OUR HOUR OF NEED--ELOPED WITH THE +OSTLER FROM YONDER PUBLIC-HOUSE--ON _THIS_ OF ALL EVENINGS, WHEN THE +AUDIENCE THREATENS TO OUTNUMBER THE CAST."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Macdonald._ "MAN SANDY, ARE YE BOGGIT?" _Sandy._ "AY, +MACDONALD, I'M BOGGIT." + +_Macdonald._ "YE CANNA GET OOT?" _Sandy._ "I'M NO BIDING HERE FOR THE +PLEESURE O 'T!" + +_Macdonald._ "I DOOT YE'D LIKE FINE TO COME OOT?" _Sandy._ "AY, I +WOULD THAT." + +_Macdonald._ "WEEL, 'TWAD BE A CHRISTIAN ACT TO PULL YE OOT, BUT +_VERRA_ DEEFFICULT--UNLESS YE'VE NO FAIRTHER USE FOR YOUR RED COO."] + + * * * * * + +MAKING THE LAW POPULAR. + +A writer in an evening contemporary complains that one has some +difficulty in finding the notices to jurors in the newspapers. + +We have often thought that more prominence might be given to the Law +Notices generally. Printed in the smallest type and abbreviated almost +beyond understanding, they are by no means the brightest item of news. + +Would it not be an advantage to hand the department over to a smart +paragraphist? Readers might then be entertained by something like the +following:-- + +Visitors to the Law Courts to-day should on no account fail to look in +at King's Bench XIII., which is one of the cosiest of our beautiful +Courts of Justice. Here will be continued the scintillating contest +between Sir Anthony Prius, K.C., and that rising young barrister, +Mr. Terry Blee-Smart, K.C. It is more than probable that the +cross-examination of the humorous butcher will continue through most +of the day. + +The first case on the list in the Lord Chief's Court to-day is +no other than _The King_ v. _The Dean and Chapter of Mumborough +Cathedral_. While it is not expected that his Majesty's engagements +will permit him to be present, an action of this character is fraught +with more than common interest, since it must be seldom that the Royal +House finds itself in such conflict with the Church as to resort to +the arbitrament of the law. + +We see no reason why some legal engagements should not be boldly +displayed, the more readily to catch the reader's eye. Why not the +following:-- + + ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE. + ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE. + ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE. + YOU MUST NOT MISS THIS! + Chancery Court No. 29, + Before + Mr. Justice Howling, + _Binks_ v. _Arcana Cinema Company, Ltd._ + +As one of the leading comedians of the day Mr. TIM BINKS never fails +to create roars of laughter, and with Mr. JUSTICE HOWLING may be +relied upon to put up a show provocative of never-failing mirth. + + +CHEER YOURSELF UP! ADMISSION FREE! + + Whether it's wet or whether it's fine, + Visit Chancery Twenty-nine. + + * * * * * + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + + THE LOBSTER. + + The lobster is an oblong crab + With one or two antennae; + I fancy life would be less drab + If people had as many. + + I think he uses them to smell, + But what he most enjoys + Is rubbing them against his shell; + It makes a funny noise. + + He rubs away like anything, + And you should see his face! + Alas, he thinks that he can sing; + But that is not the case. + + He's very sensitive and shy; + At last when he is dead + _He knows the truth_--and that is why + He goes so very red. + + A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + "Your System appealed to me as a rational means of exercise + without undue fatigue, and I started on the 10th of March, 1920. + I was then in my 75th year, and now within only two months of + completing the 85th." _Advt. in Sunday Paper_. + +If he keeps it up he should be a centenarian by about the end of next +year. One seems to age rather rapidly under this system. + + * * * * * + +THE OTHER HALF. + +I was sitting by Anderson's fire the other day when his telephone bell +rang. He made the usual insincere exclamation of disgust--as insincere +as the horror we simulate when a bundle of letters is brought into +the room, to have letters and to be called up on the telephone being +really adventures and therefore welcome; and he then crossed the room +to answer the call. + +"Shall I go?" I asked, thinking that he might prefer to be alone. + +"Oh, no," he said, and I remained. I was not trying to overhear, but +it couldn't be helped. + +This is the conversation (his half) that I heard:-- + +"Yes." + +"Speaking. Who is it?" + +"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting horribly nervous. How is he?" + +"Good Heavens! I was afraid he might be. What do you think?" + +"Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know." + +"I'll think about it and let you know." + +"Quite likely. I'll go into that and let you know. She can't be +absolutely alone anyway. There must be another some time." + +"And what do you propose to do now?" + +"You're sure it will be painless?" + +"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything." + +"Thank you very much. I shall tell my wife he died in his sleep. +Good-bye." + +What, I wonder, would you have made of that? Some telephone +conversations are easy to construct, but this to me was a puzzle. What +had Anderson been up to? It must be an awful moment, I have often +thought as I read divorce and other cases, when a friend is suddenly +turned into a witness; and I had the feeling that that might be my lot +now. Those clever cross-examining devils, they can get anything out of +you. If Anderson had known who was ringing him up he would probably +(so I reasoned) have got me out of the room; but, having once started, +he decided to brazen it out as the less suspicious way. + +As so often happens, however, I was wrong. This is the whole innocent +conversation:-- + +"Is that 1260?" + +"Yes." + +"Is Mr. Anderson there?" + +"Speaking. Who is it?" + +"Harding, the veterinary surgeon." + +"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting horribly nervous. How is he?" + +"He's worse." + +"Good Heavens! I was afraid he might be. What do you think?" + +"I think we had better put an end to him." + +"Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know." + +"Shall I be looking about for another?" + +"I'll think about it and let you know." + +"Perhaps a totally different breed would be better; not another Peke. +There'd be fewer unhappy associations then, don't you see?" + +"Quite likely. I'll go into that and let you know. She can't be +absolutely alone, anyway. There must be another some time." + +"Yes." + +"And what do you propose to do now?" + +"Oh, I'll give him poison." + +"You're sure it will be painless?" + +"Quite." + +"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything." + +"That will be all right." + +"Thank you very much. I shall tell my wife he died in his sleep. +Good-bye." + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * + +THE MOUNTAIN AND THE PROPHETS. + +My dear Charles,--At Geneva there is, and was long before the arrival +of the League of Nations, a mountain. There are many mountains in +Switzerland, but Geneva's private mountain happens to be in France. +It is called "The Saleve," a nasty name, but not of my choosing. If, +being in Geneva, you want to go up The Saleve (as I personally do not) +you have first to get your passport off the police. The police are +always a little difficult about passports, but, if you mention the +name of The Saleve, you will find them easier. You have next to obtain +the French _visa_ in order to get out of Geneva; then the Swiss _visa_ +in order to get back again. Thus provided you have to compete with a +complicated and long-drawn process of trams and frontier controls; +even so you find yourself at the bottom and not at the top of The +Saleve. + +Being a busy (or shall we say idle?) man yourself, you will thus +understand the reasons of my policy; if the mountain will not come to +MAHOMED then MAHOMED and the mountain are best kept apart. + +The inhabitants of Geneva have long been contriving, intriguing, I +will even say complotting, to get me up The Saleve. My doctor, having +made me thoroughly interested in myself, got on to the subject of +exercise; when my banker passed from the subject of interest on +overdrafts to the advisability of my seeing the great Geneva view, it +was undoubtedly blackmail; and as for my dentist--well, you know what +dentists are and what mean advantages they take. But this one, I +think, over-stepped the limit when he allowed the crown of my tooth to +remind him of the crown of Mont Blanc; paused in fixing the former to +descant on the beauties of the latter; told me that from The Saleve +I should get a better view of the latter than he, where he was, was +getting of the former; asked me almost simultaneously if he was +hurting me and if I had been up The Saleve, and told me that I must go +up it and (which I took to mean "or") that he might have to hurt me. + +That was the most critical moment in the whole Battle of The Saleve; +the military critics are unanimous that I should have then said, "I +will go up," had I been in a position to say anything at all. Saved by +the gag, I have won the war against the Genevois. + +I have taken the standpoint of the prophet, who, as you know, is not +without honour abroad--a prophet with the policy outlined above. When +a prophet of my sort decides on a policy, and that policy consists of +doing nothing, he takes a lot of shifting, even on the flat. And there +the matter and I remained, when there arrived from England, on or +about November 15th, a positive cloud of prophets, intent on the +League of Nations. The busiest figure among them is the secretary of +one of the delegates. Pretending to be my best friend he sought the +occasion of a heart-to-heart with me. I took it he wanted to discuss +Nations; it appeared he wanted to discuss mountains. I hoped he was +considering them generally in mass, possibly with the view of making a +League of them. He was thinking in the particular, and you can guess +what particular. He was beginning to think of wanting to go up It. + +In an effective speech, which brought tears to my eyes but merely gave +him an opportunity to fill and light his pipe, I put all the "cons" +before him, particularly the passport part. As a man speaking with the +authority behind him of a world leagued together, he detailed all +the "pros." We must act together, he and I; he would assemble the +prophets, I the passports. + +I refused to be bullied by him. He named some major prophets, whom I +should find it more difficult to withstand. His propaganda amongst +them apparently began at once. Mark the sequence of events:-- + +On Tuesday, November 16th, His Majesty's Minister-Plenipotentiary and +Envoy-Extraordinary in Switzerland assembled the British element to +dinner. I have reason to know that he had already been approached +by the secretary. The Crown of Mont Blanc was freely discussed and +curiosity was aroused as to the identity, the desirability, even the +approachability of the nearer mountain. + +On Wednesday, November 17th, I ran into Lieut.-Col. His Highness the +JAM SAHIB of NAWANAGAR--"RANJI," in brief. He was standing at the +entrance of his hotel in significant meditation. The entrance of his +hotel looks upon The Saleve and past it to the Crown of Mont Blanc. +And that was where he looked. + +On Friday, November 19th, I found the Right Hon. G. N. BARNES walking +along the Quai de Mont Blanc in the fatal direction. His eyebrows +pointed relentlessly upward. + +On Saturday, November 20th, Mr. BALFOUR arrived. The secretary began +to talk about a date for our excursion. + +On Sunday, November 21st, I became involved in conversation with Lord +ROBERT CECIL in his room in his hotel. He moved towards the window, +and as he did so Armenia, Vilna and all the Powers that want to come +into the League and all the Powers that want to stay out of the League +faded from his mind, and he called attention to the Crown of Mont +Blanc and fixed his eagle eye upon the mole-hill in between. + +On Monday, November 22nd, the secretary came to me and ordered me to +provide passports, duly _visaed_, for The Saleve party--seven in +all, myself included. I told him that I would appeal direct to the +delegates themselves, with whom I had already done some defensive +propaganda on my own. He told me it was nothing to do with the +delegates; it was the delegates' ladies. Fool that I was, I had never +thought of them! + +That night I wrote in my diary: "At Geneva there is a mountain. It is +called The Saleve--a nasty name for a nasty mountain. On Saturday I +shall be on the top of it. I always knew that the League of Nations +would make trouble." + +On Tuesday, November 23rd, I sent an emissary among the ladies to +persuade them that the summit of The Saleve was loathsome. The +emissary succeeded in establishing this point by contrasting it +unfavourably with the Crown of Mont Blanc. The ladies thanked the +emissary cordially for her most interesting information and said they +would take steps to see the Crown of _Mont Blanc_ more nearly, even if +those steps had to be up The Saleve. + +That night I wrote in my diary: "For a year I have fought and won, but +on Saturday the Crown of Mont Blanc will witness my defeat, and the +whole range of the Alps will look on in silent contempt." + +On Wednesday morning, November 24th, I met Mr. BALFOUR crossing the +Pont du Mont Blanc. He was looking at It with that dreamy smile of +his, which seems to laugh at the littleness of man and the futility of +his policies. That finished me. + +On Wednesday night, November 24th-25th (read your paper to witness if +I lie), the Crown of Mont Blanc fell off ... I have left The Saleve +where it is. What does it matter now? + +Yours ever, Henry. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "HULLO, BROWN! FANCY RUNNING UP AGAINST YOU. HOW SMALL +THE WORLD IS, TO BE SURE!" + +"Y-YES. TERRIBLY SMALL, ISN'T IT?"] + + * * * * * + +Enough Said. + +"Sir Henry apologised at the close for having made the lecture +somewhat shorter than usual. Sir Donald ---- said that theirs was an +unspoken gratitude to Sir Henry for having done what he had been able +to do."--_Scots Paper._ + + * * * * * + +"MADRID, Dec. 8. + +"The Ministry of Public Works has announced that on January 15 next an +opportunity will be offered to foreign firms to secure orders for 119 +railway engines and tenders needed by the Spanish railway companies. +Tenders must be handed personally by a duly accredited representative +of the firm making the offer."--_Times._ + +The engines may, however, be done up in a parcel and sent by post in +the usual manner. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Indian Servant (as telephone continues ringing)._ +"OH, SAR, DO NOT BE SO ANGRY. THE SAHIB IS COMING VERY QUICKLY, I TELL +YOU."] + + * * * * * + +THE ARRIVAL OF THE MANX BALLET. + +The first visit of the Manx Ballet to London is undoubtedly the most +outstanding feature in the annals of choregraphic and corybantic +realism since the historic _premiere_ of the Botocudo Troupe on +September 31st, 1919. And it is all the more welcome as an indication +of the emergence of a native school, fully equipped in technique and +scenic resource and, above all, imbued from start to finish with +a high sense of the paramount importance of psycho-analysis in +eliminating all supra-liminal elements from the orchestro-mimetic +drama. + +The most ambitious as well as the most successful item in the +programme presented on Saturday night at the Colossodrome was _The Cat +of Ballasalla_, that wonderful old Manx legend of the Princess who +was turned into a cat by the enchantments of the Wizard of Dhoon +and subsequently sentenced to decaudation by the cruel Scandinavian +invader, MAGNUS BARFOD. The scene of the trial in the great +synclinorium of Greeba Castle--exhibiting contemporaneous +carboniferous tuffs, soft argillaceous rocks with choriambic fossils +as well as later dolerite dykes, amid which the feline amenities of +the Princess were illustrated with miraculous agility by Miss Agneesh +Crannoge--compares favourably with the most ambitious enormities ever +perpetrated by the genius of BAKST, DIAGHILEV, or even COCODRILLO, the +Sardinian neo-Gongorist. + +The music, which is chiefly founded on Manx folk-songs, developed +and adapted by Mr. Orry Poolvash, is richly suggestive of the +psycho-analytic basic aroma which pervades the entire scenario. The +absence of a Coda in the Funeral March which concludes the ballet is +an exquisitely pathetic touch which could only have occurred to a +composer of genius. The orchestration is sumptuous and sonorous, the +usual instruments being supplemented by two Glory Quayle-horns, a +quartet of Laxey-phones with rotating C and C sharp crooks, a Manx +harp with three strings, and a Miaowola, which gives out the Death +Motive of the Princess at the various crises of the drama in tones of +sublimated anguish and intensity. + +We have only space in this brief preliminary notice to remark that the +programme includes a humorous extravaganza entitled _The Quirks of +Quilliam_, in which a grotesque _pas de quatre_ for the _Deemster_, +the _Doomster_, the _Boomster_ and the _Scrabster_, forms the central +episode; and ends with a satiric sketch, _The Golden Calf of Man_, +apparently aimed at the extravagance of Lancashire trippers, who are +pursued by demons into Sulby Glen, and released, to the sound of +sea-trumpets, by the beneficent intervention of _Lord Greeba_ on their +promising to evacuate the island. + + * * * * * + +GOLFING "IFS." + + If you bring your own lunch + And frugally munch + Your sandwich and cake + For economy's sake; + If you strictly abstain + From sloe-gin and champagne, + Never touching a drop + Save perhaps ginger-pop; + If you're clever enough + To keep out of the rough, + If you don't slice or hook + Into pond, dyke or brook + Your new three-shilling ball, + And, best saving of all, + If you carry your clubs, + You can pay heavy "subs.," + Fees for entrance and greens, + Without straining your means, + And, though you're a middle- + Class man, not a peer, + Agree with LORD RIDDELL + That golf isn't dear. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Cheery Sportsman._ "HAD SIX FALLS IN TWO DAYS, HAVE +YOU? WELL, CHEER UP. YOUR LUCK'S BOUND TO CHANGE SOON. THESE THINGS +ALWAYS COME IN CYCLES." + +_Rough Rider._ "MINE SEEM TO COME IN MOTOR LORRIES."] + + * * * * * + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +The news that Mr. STEPHEN LEACOCK has published a fresh series of +burlesques will, I do not doubt, add to the Christmas jollity of a +vast crowd of laughter-lovers. The name of it is _Winsome Winnie, and +other New Nonsense Novels_ (LANE), and I can only describe it in that +pet phrase of the house-agents as "examined and strongly recommended" +for the merriest five-shillings' worth that I have enjoyed this long +time. If ever a volume demanded to be read aloud over the Yule log +here it is. Which of the eight novels is the most irresistible must +remain, I suppose, a matter of individual taste; for myself I found +the opening chapter in the title-tale the funniest thing in the +collection, and that not forgetting the billiard match in the +detective story, a contest that I defy anyone to follow without tears. +To attempt analysis of such happily unforced humour would be a dark +and dreadful task; but I incline to think that, more than most, the +fun of Mr. LEACOCK (to be accurate one should, I suppose, say Dr. +LEACOCK) depends upon the sudden tripping-up of the reader in +his moment of fancied security. The _cliche_, with its deceptive +appearance of solid and familiar ground, conceals an unexpected trap. +Thus _Winnie_, the thrown-upon-the-world heroine, asked by the family +lawyer how she proposes to gain a livelihood, replies in consecrated +phrase, "I have my needle." "_Let me see it_," says the lawyer. But I +grow pedantic; far more important than the method of this little book +is its gift of seasonable entertainment, for which we need only wipe +our eyes and be grateful. + + * * * * * + +In _The Royal Artillery War Commemoration Book_ Messrs. G. BELL AND +SONS have produced a noble volume worthy of the great record of the +Royal Regiment. To the energy and enthusiasm of Mrs. AMBROSE DUDLEY is +largely due the collection of the fine material which Major-General +Sir HERBERT UNIACKE has here set out in fair order and proportion. +Personal diaries dealing with various phases of the War on all fronts +or with the daily routine of batteries are here interspersed with +articles and poems of a more purely literary quality and with original +illustrations, largely the work of Gunner-officers and extremely well +reproduced. Among the most notable contributors are Brigadier-General +J. H. MORGAN, Major V. R. BURKHARDT, D.S.O., Major The Master of +BELHAVEN, Captain VICTOR WALROND (the last two killed in action), +Captain GILBERT HOLIDAY, Captain H. ASQUITH, Lieut. ROBERT NICHOLS, +Lieut. GILBERT FRANKAU, Gunner MEARS, the Hon. NEVILLE LYTTON, Mr. +SEPTIMUS POWER, Mr. W. ROTHENSTEIN, Miss LUCY KEMP-WELCH and Mr. C. +CLARK. _Punch_ is represented by several artists, including Captain E. +H. SHEPARD, M.C., and Lieut. WALLIS MILLS (both of the Regiment), who +have contributed some delightful colour-sketches, very faithfully +observed. Many of the poems, too, that appear in the volume have been +reprinted from the pages of _Punch_. There are brief records of +those members of the Regiment who won the V.C., many portraits +of "Representative Artillerymen," and a Roll of Honour of fallen +officers, numbering 3,507. Lack of space alone prevented the inclusion +of the names of the 45,442 Other Ranks who gave their lives for their +country. Every Gunner who does not possess this splendid memorial work +should have it given to him this Christmas by some proud relative or +friend. Like the Regiment, it should go _Ubique_. + + * * * * * + +When Mr. ROBERT CHAMBERS decides to give his neurotic New York society +women a miss, and exploit his more imaginative and adventurous vein, I +always know that I am in for a late night and an extra large gas +bill. Like the British soldier Mr. CHAMBERS does not carry the word +"impossible" in his vocabulary. Why should he, since he can give the +semblance of reality to the utterly unbelievable? Then one mutters, +"What utter rubbish!" and sends round to the bookseller to enquire if +by any chance there is a sequel coming out. In _The Slayer of +Souls_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Mr. CHAMBERS is at his best and most +impossible. A race of dreadful magicians, the descendants of the +Old Man of the Mountain, who have been multiplying and acquiring +extraordinary psychic powers in the interior of China for centuries, +come forth to do battle with the United Secret Service for the souls +of men. They have inspired the Hun, and the Bolshevik has been their +tool. Fortunately a beautiful young American girl, who was brought up +in their midst and has learned all their grizzly powers and (as it +seems) a bit more, is on the side of the "forces of law and order." +The struggle is titanic, for these magicians can slay and be slain +corporeally and incorporeally with equal ease. I do not need to tell +you who wins out, but neither will I intimate how it is done. I can +only say that I envy anybody who is fortunate enough to have a long +evening before him and _The Slayer of Souls_ at his elbow, still +unread. + + * * * * * + +In _Uncle Pierce's Legacy_ (METHUEN) Mrs. DOROTHEA CONYERS gives +us once more all that we have learned to expect of her novels: the +friendly, witty, blundering servants; the hunting society in which +wealth and poverty, breeding and vulgarity, cheerfully rub shoulders; +the descriptions of the wistful beautiful West of Ireland in autumn +and winter; and above all the horses. Added to all this there are Sinn +Fein raids, real and imaginary, to bring things up to date. A rather +unconvincing plot, with a dash of _Great Expectations_ in it, yet +offers a situation which has plenty of amusing possibilities. _Honor_ +and _Evie Nutting_, two middle-aged spinsters, find themselves the +possessors of eight thousand a year, on condition that they spend it +all. That sounds, of course, a very pleasant arrangement; but they +have been struggling for years to make ends meet and economy has +become a habit. The end of the first quarter finds them sending +_Harris_, the English manservant, in haste to buy a frying-pan with +the last unspent three shillings and sixpence. That the _Uncle Pierce_ +of the title should be really a brother, that characters should change +their names without rhyme or reason from paragraph to paragraph, and +that inverted commas should make their appearance just anywhere--all +this, I think, is the author's clever way of suggesting an atmosphere +of Irish irresponsibility, and it is quite successful. _Uncle Pierce's +Legacy_ is a pleasant tale most pleasantly told, and it is not Mrs. +CONYERS' fault, but her misfortune (and ours), that novels which +describe the lighter side of Irish life, even with the tenderest +humour, are more likely just now to make one sigh than smile. + + * * * * * + +I do not know whether _The Scar_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) first saw +publication in any of our popular dailies, but from internal evidence +I should be strongly inclined to suspect it. At least Miss RUBY M. +AYRES has written an admirable example of the class of tale, beloved +of our serial public, in which new every morning are the tribulations +of the elect, only to vanish with startling suddenness in the last +days of June or December. For example, _Mark_, the hero, begins as the +misunderstood son of one of those widower-fathers who in such stories +dwell for ever behind the locked doors of studies, leaving in this +instance _Mark_ to be the victim of an aunt whose lack of sympathy +approaches the pantomimic. All the usual results follow, even to the +acquisition by _Mark_ of a faithful hound, which the least experience +of sentimental fiction would have caused any insurance company to +refuse on sight. When therefore _Aunt Midian_, following her appointed +course, effaced this friend-of-man, I confess that my grief was to +some extent tempered by a recognition of the inevitable. Of course, +however, _Mark_ does not remain for long in what I might call these +dog-days of his young affection; love, strong, passionate and not too +slavishly restricted to a single object, soon has his world going +round as fast as the most exacting reader could desire. For the +decorous details of this delirium I need only add that, if you want +them, you know where to go to find them. + + * * * * * + +Had I been asked to godfather _Smith and the Pharaohs_ (ARROWSMITH) I +should have refused to stand, unless its name was changed to "Barbara +who Came Back," for the tale of _Barbara_ is by far the best in this +book of short stories. It would be boastful--as well as untrue--to say +that I have read all of Sir H. RIDER HAGGARD'S many books, but as far +as my experience of them goes I find a delightfully fresh quality in +this tale. It may be old-fashioned and over-sentimental, but in spite +of these defects it has a very definite charm, and its conclusion +makes a curious and legitimate appeal to the emotions. All the other +stories are well up to standard, and it is amazing that an author who +has written so much still shows no symptoms either of weariness or +vain repetition. + + * * * * * + +Those who appreciate Miss C. FOX SMITH'S familiarity with the ways and +moods of sailormen and her flair for the true sea-tang will welcome +the new collection of poems which she has brought out under the title, +_Ships and Folks_ (ELKIN MATHEWS). Most of these verses have appeared +in _Punch_, and no further commendation is here needed. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Christmas Card Artist (of the Old School)._ "GOOD +HEAVENS! CAN IT BE POSSIBLE THAT SUCH THINGS _ARE_?"] + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +Transcriber's notes: + + Page 465: Tristan d'Acunha--this spelling also appears in the + next issue of 'Punch'. + + Page 478: choregraphic is a valid spelling of choreographic. + (Oxford Dictionary: Cho'regraph etc. See CHOREOGRAPH etc.) + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. +159, DECEMBER 15, 1920*** + + +******* This file should be named 19334.txt or 19334.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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