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+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+December 15, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 15, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2006  [eBook #19334]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 159, DECEMBER 15, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net/)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 19334-h.htm or 19334-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334/19334-h/19334-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334/19334-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+DECEMBER 15, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Apparently the official decision not to issue Christmas excursion
+tickets for journeys of less than one hundred miles will inflict some
+inconvenience on the public. Several correspondents point out that
+they will be obliged to travel further than they had intended.
+
+       * * *
+
+A newspaper correspondent describes CHARLIE CHAPLIN as being an
+amusing companion in private life. We always suspect a popular
+comedian of having his lighter moments.
+
+       * * *
+
+"For twenty years," says a contemporary, "Superintendent Spencer of
+Scotland Yard has been watching the King." We hasten to add that
+during all that time HIS MAJESTY has never done anything to excite
+suspicion.
+
+       * * *
+
+This year's Oxford and Cambridge Rugby match is said to have been the
+most exciting in the memory of the oldest undergraduate.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to _The Daily Express_ twenty-five thousand Government
+officials are on strike in Austria. People are asking why we can't
+have this sort of thing in England.
+
+       * * *
+
+Official kissing at Presidential functions is now discontinued in
+France and visitors must shake hands in future. These curtailed
+amenities are still an improvement on the Mexican custom of exchanging
+revolver shots.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Hats," says _The Times_' fashion correspondent, "are worn well on the
+head." We have always regarded this as the best place to wear a hat
+on.
+
+       * * *
+
+White spats are to be fashionable this winter, we read. In muddy
+weather, however, the colour-scheme may be varied. Only the other day
+we saw one gentleman wearing a beautiful pair of Dalmatians.
+
+       * * *
+
+So many singers want to run before they can walk, says Mr. BEN DAVIES.
+With some singers whom we have heard, the ability to dodge as well as
+run would be an advantage.
+
+       * * *
+
+Loud cheers were given, says a Bolshevist wireless message, when LENIN
+left Petrograd for Moscow. We can well believe it.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Bolshevists now forbid men to walk through the streets with their
+hands in their pockets. Hands in other peoples' pockets every time is
+their motto.
+
+       * * *
+
+A palpitating writer in a Sunday paper asks if the summit of English
+life is being made a true Olympus or a rooting-ground for the swine
+of EPICURUS. Judging by the present exorbitant price of a nice tender
+loin of pork, with crisp crackling, we should say the former.
+
+       * * *
+
+A West Norwood man who described himself as a poet told the magistrate
+that he had twice been knocked down by a motor-cyclist. Our opinion is
+that he should have given up poetry when he was knocked down the first
+time.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL cannot be in two places at once, says _The
+Bristol Evening News_. All the same it is a dangerous thing to put him
+on his mettle like that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Many people remain oblivious of the approach of Christmas until the
+appearance of mistletoe at Covent Garden. We don't wait for that; we
+go by the appearance in _The Daily Mail_ of a letter announcing the
+discovery of primroses in Thanet.
+
+       * * *
+
+Measures to arrest the subsidence of the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral
+have again become imperative. The cause assigned is the depressing
+effect of the DEAN.
+
+       * * *
+
+Of several hats caught up in a recent whirlwind it was observed that
+the one with the largest circulation was a "Sandringham."
+
+       * * *
+
+A judge has decided that it is _ultra vires_ for a municipal body to
+run a public laundry. Apparently this is to remain a monopoly of the
+Royal Courts of Justice.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The telephone," we are told, "was cradled in a dead man's ear." As
+far as we can ascertain the other end of ours is still there.
+
+       * * *
+
+Seventy is suggested by the London County Council as the age limit at
+which coroners should retire. Complete justice cannot be done as long
+as there is anything in the shape of identity of interest between the
+coroner and the corpse.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The natural position of the eyeballs in sleep," says a correspondent
+of _The Daily Mail_, "is turned upwards." The practice of leaving
+them standing in a tumbler of water all night should be particularly
+avoided by light sleepers.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are asked to deny the rumour that the POET LAUREATE is entitled to
+draw the unemployment donation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POKER-PLAYER'S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT.
+
+_Disguises your elation when you hold a fat hand_.
+
+Only five-and-sixpence post free in plain wrapper.
+
+Will pay for itself many times over.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Theatre-Fashions in Malta.
+
+    "The House was full to its utmost capacity, the elegant
+    night dresses and toilettes of the ladies presenting a fine
+    aspect."--_Malta Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ye Olde ---- Hotel. Hot and Cold Sheets." _Daily Paper_.
+
+Produced, we assume, by a water-bottle (h. and c.).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE DRY CHAMPAIGN IN SCOTLAND.
+     POLLING IN EDINBURGH."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Judging by the results, the Scots seem still to prefer the local
+vintage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was a young high-brow of Sutton
+  Who lived on hot air and cold mutton;
+    He knew not of GROCK,
+    But he idolized BROCK
+  (I don't mean the sculptor, but CLUTTON).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO THE LION OF LUCERNE.
+
+  TINO, before you went away
+    To crouch behind a sheltering Alp,
+  How strong the limelight used to play
+    About your bald, but kingly, scalp!
+  And now, emerging from the shelf
+    (A site where Kings are seldom happy),
+  You must be pleased to find yourself
+    Once more resilient on the _tapis_.
+
+  Over your past (Out, damnéd spots!)
+    With lavish bucketfuls you paint
+  The whitewash on to clean its blots
+    And camouflage the Teuton taint;
+  From WILLIAM and the family tie
+    Protesting your unbridled freedom,
+  "I know you not, old man," you cry,
+    "Fall to your prayers--you badly need 'em!"
+
+  For Athens, to your great content,
+    Calls you to be her guiding star
+  (Only a paltry one per cent
+    Wanted to leave you where you are);
+  And you've agreed to take it on,
+    Jumped at the prospect Fate discloses,
+  And thought, "With VENEZELOS gone,
+    Life will be one long bed of roses."
+
+  But mark the oversight you made,
+    Forgetting, while you waxed so fat,
+  That England, whom you once betrayed,
+    Might have a word to say to that;
+  Might, if for love of your fair eyes
+    Greece should decide again to wobble,
+  Conceivably withdraw supplies
+    And cut her off with half an obol.
+
+  Roar loud, O Lion of Lucerne!
+    But lo, upon Britannia's shore
+  Another Lion takes his turn
+    And gives a rather louder roar;
+  Meaning, "It doesn't suit my views
+    To subsidise two sorts of beano,
+  And Greece will therefore have to choose
+    Between her tummy and her TINO."
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ABOUT GOLF.
+
+Golf is obviously the worst game in the world. I doubt indeed whether
+it is a game at all.
+
+It is played with a ball, about which, though I could say much, I will
+say little. I will not decide whether it should have a heart of oak
+or a heart of gold, whether it should go through a 1·6-inch ring or
+a plate-glass window, whether it should sink like the German Navy or
+float like the British. Enough, if not too much, has been said about
+the standard ball.
+
+Golf is also played with a number of striking implements more
+intricate in shape than those used in any other form of recreation
+except dentistry. Let so much be agreed.
+
+Now, quite plainly, the essential idea underlying all games played
+with a ball, whether a club, stick, mallet, bat or cue be added or no,
+is that some interference should take place with the enemy's action,
+some thwarting of his purpose or intent. In Rugby football, to take a
+case, where no mallet is used, it is permissible to seize an opponent
+by the whiskers and sling him over your right shoulder, afterwards
+stamping a few times on his head or his stomach. This thwarts him
+badly. The same principle applies, though in a milder form, to the
+game of cricket, where you attempt to beat the adversary's bat with
+your ball, or, if you have the bat, to steer the ball between your
+adversaries, or at least to make them jolly well wish that you would.
+
+Even with the baser and less heroic ball games, like croquet and
+billiards, where more than one ball is used at a time, action inimical
+to the interests of the opponent's ball is permitted and encouraged.
+Indeed in the good old days of yore, when croquet was not so strictly
+scientific, a shrewd sudden stroke--the ankle shot, we called it, for,
+after all, the fellow was probably not wearing boots--well, I daresay
+you remember it; and I have once succeeded in paralysing the enemy's
+cue arm with the red; but this needs a lot of luck as well as
+strength, and is not a stroke to be practised by the beginner,
+especially on public tables.
+
+We come then again to golf, and see at once that, with the miserable
+and cowardly exception of laying the stymie, there is no stroke in
+this game that fulfils the proper conditions which should govern
+athletic contests involving the use of spherical objects with or
+without instruments of percussion.
+
+And yet we read column after column about fierce encounters and
+desperate struggles between old antagonists, when as a matter of fact
+there is no struggle, no encounter at all. Against no other ball game
+but golf, unless perhaps it be roulette, can this accusation be laid.
+Ask a man what happened last Saturday. "I went out," he says, rather
+as if he was the British Expeditionary Force, "in 41; but I came
+home"--he smiles triumphantly; you see the hospital ship, the cheering
+crowds--"in 39." Whether he beat the other fellow or not he hardly
+remembers, because there was in fact no particular reason why the
+other fellow should have been there.
+
+Golf matches ought to be arranged, and for my part I shall arrange
+them in future, as follows:--
+
+_He._ Can you play on Saturday at Crump?
+
+_I._ No, I'm not playing this week.
+
+_He._ Next week then?
+
+_I._ Yes, at Blimp.
+
+_He._ I can't come to Blimp.
+
+_I._ Well, let's play all the same. Your score this week at Crump
+against mine next week at Blimp, and we'll have five bob on it.
+
+I'm not quite sure what his retort is, but you take my point. It
+is manifestly absurd to drag the psychological element into this
+cold-blooded mathematical pursuit. After all that England has done and
+come through in the last few years, is a man in baggy knickerbockers,
+with tufts on the ends of his garters, going to be daunted and foiled
+just because a man in slightly baggier knickerbockers and with
+slightly larger tufts on his garters has hit a small white pellet a
+little further than he has? Hardly, I think.
+
+That is why, when I read long letters in the principal daily papers
+about the expense of this so-called game, and calculations as to
+whether it can be played for less than twenty-five shillings a time,
+I am merely amused. In my opinion, if the relatives of members of
+golf-clubs cannot afford to support them, these institutions should
+either be closed or the inmates should be provided with some better
+game, like basketball. That is what I feel about golf.
+
+All the same, if Enderby really thinks and believes that, because in
+a nasty cross-wind I happened to be slicing badly and didn't know
+the course and lost a ball at the twelfth, and he holed twice out of
+bunkers and certainly baulked me by sniffing on the fifteenth tee,
+and laid a stymie, mark you, of all places at the seventeenth, that
+I can't beat him three times out of five in normal conditions and not
+with that appalling caddy ---- well, I suppose one must do one's best
+to relieve a fellow-creature of his hallucinations, mustn't one?
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BOBLET.
+
+BRITANNIA (_counting her change_). "WHAT'S THIS?"
+
+OUR MR. CHAMBERLAIN. "THAT, MADAM, IS THE NEW SHILLING. IT HAS MORE
+ALLOY THAN THE OLD, BUT THE SAME PURCHASING POWER."
+
+BRITANNIA. "PURCHASING WEAKNESS, YOU MEAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Host_ (_by way of keeping his guest's mind off the
+state of the course_). "ASTONISHING HOW QUICKLY PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN
+THE WAR."
+
+_Guest_. "WHAT--WITH THIS MUD, AND YOU AT THE SLOPE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HEAVY-WAITS.
+
+Our Boxing Correspondent sends us the following gloomy forecast.
+We have pointed out to him that Mr. COCHRAN has recently made a
+definite contract for a meeting between DEMPSEY and CARPENTIER. Our
+Correspondent replies that this does not affect his attitude, and
+urges us to publish his predictions of further delay. We do so under
+protest.
+
+_Paris, December 22nd, 1920._--M. DESCHAMPS (CARPENTIER'S Manager)
+denies all knowledge of any agreement with Mr. COCHRAN.
+
+_New York, December 24th, 1920._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN says that
+DESCHAMPS must be dotty. He (C. B.) is returning by the _Mauretania_
+to-morrow.
+
+_London, April 17th, 1923._--As Mr. COCHRAN and M. DESCHAMPS have
+not yet come to an agreement the fight for the World's Heavy-Weight
+Championship is indefinitely postponed. JOE BECKETT meets Bombardier
+WELLS to-night at the Circle.
+
+_London, April 18th, 1923._--Since the days of JIM CORBETT no more
+polished exponent of the fistic art has graced the ring than our
+Bombardier Billy. Thunders of applause greeted his appearance in the
+"mystic square" last night. He flashed round his ponderous opponent,
+mesmerising him with the purity of his style, the accuracy of his
+hitting, the brilliance of his foot-work. He held the vast audience
+spell-bound. BECKETT won on a knock-out in the second round.
+
+_London, August 11th, 1924._--Mr. LOVAT FRASER in a powerful article
+(written _entirely_ in italics) in _The Daily Mail_ points out
+the fearful tension the peace of Europe is undergoing through the
+continued differences between Messrs. COCHRAN and DESCHAMPS, and
+demands to know what the PREMIER is doing about it.
+
+_London, August 24th, 1924._--Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, acting under Mr.
+LOVAT FRASER'S orders, has gone to Lympne (kindly lent by Sir PHILIP
+SASSOON), where he will be joined by Mr. COCHRAN, M. DESCHAMPS and M.
+MILLERAND.
+
+_London, September 30th, 1924._--The whole civilised world will
+rejoice to hear that the differences between Mr. C. B. COCHRAN and M.
+DESCHAMPS have at last been amicably settled. The great fight for the
+world's heavy-weight championship is fixed to take place at Olympia on
+November 17th. DEMPSEY is to receive £100,000, CARPENTIER £75,000.
+
+_London, October 4th, 1924._--It appears that Olympia was already
+booked for November for _The Daily Mail's_ Ideal Pyjama Exhibition,
+and Mr. C. B. COCHRAN has to-day issued a _communiqué_ to the Press
+Association to the effect that the contest will be held definitely
+in Sark (Channel Islands) on December 23rd. He has hired the entire
+Cunard and White Star Fleets for the day, and those who cannot find
+standing room on the island will be provided with seats and telescopes
+in the ships' riggings. All will be welcome at fifty guineas a head.
+
+_New York, October 6th, 1924._--DEMPSEY denies that he is meeting
+CARPENTIER on December 23rd. He laughs at the idea of fighting for
+£100,000.
+
+"Heaven knows I am not mercenary," he says, "but there's such a thing
+as a living wage."
+
+_London, October 7th, 1924._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN, in an interview
+granted to our reporter yesterday, says that he has done with
+fight-promoting for ever and will in future concentrate on performing
+seals.
+
+_London, October 10th, 1924._--A sensation was caused at the Circle
+last night when an old man jumped unannounced into the ring and
+offered to fight anyone living to a finish for five pounds and a
+pint of beer for the sheer fun of the thing. The disturber, who was
+obviously out of his senses, was quickly removed. His identity has not
+so far been established, but he is thought to be a fighter of the old
+school escaped from confinement.
+
+No authoritative announcement has been made as to who will assume Mr.
+COCHRAN'S extensive boxing engagements, but rumour is busy with the
+name of Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY.
+
+_New York, January 31st, 1925._--Mr. W. BRADY, the veteran
+fight-promoter, has signed up J. DEMPSEY and GEORGES CARPENTIER to
+meet at Havana, Cuba, on Easter Monday, 1925. DEMPSEY will draw
+£200,000, CARPENTIER £150,000.
+
+_New York, February 8th, 1925._--Following Mr. W. BRADY'S
+announcement, Mr. TEX RICKARDS (promoter of the JEFFRIES-JOHNSON
+contest) has now come forward, stating that DEMPSEY and CARPENTIER
+have signed a contract with him to fight at Nome, Alaska, on Shrove
+Tuesday, for a quarter-of-a-million each.
+
+_New York, February 19th, 1925._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN, who arrived
+on the _Aquitania_ this morning, says that the two champions have
+contracted to meet under his management at Tristan d'Acunha on Good
+Friday for half-a-million each and a percentage on the popcorn and
+peanut sales.
+
+_New York, March 3rd, 1925._--With the view of lifting the national
+depression consequent on the hitch in the world's championship
+arrangements, Mr. HENRY FORD, whose successes as a mediator are
+celebrated, is labouring to bring about a conciliatory meeting between
+the rival promoters.
+
+_New York, July 12th, 1925._--Mr. HENRY FORD'S efforts, fortified by
+the prayers of the Rev. WILLIAM SUNDAY, have at length borne fruit.
+Messrs. BRADY, COCHRAN and RICKARDS have consented to talk matters
+over. The White House has been placed entirely at the disposal of the
+promoters, their families, secretaries, legal advisers, etc.
+
+_Washington, D.C., July 20th, 1925._--Mr. HENRY FORD'S "Peace Party"
+has not proved an unqualified success. Battle royal broke out among
+the delegates at noon yesterday. Messrs. BRADY, COCHRAN and RICKARDS
+have been taken to hospital, but are not expected to recover. The
+White House is in ruins.
+
+
+THE GREAT FIGHT.
+
+_Geneva, July 4th, 1960._--The fight for the Heavyweight Championship
+of the World, held under the auspices of the League of Nations, took
+place yesterday before a gigantic crowd. DEMPSEY, who now wears a
+flowing white beard, was wheeled into the ring in a bath-chair.
+CARPENTIER, now wholly bald, appeared on crutches and was seconded
+by two trained nurses and his youngest grandson. Both champions
+were assisted to their feet by their supporters, shook hands and
+immediately clinched. In this clinch they remained throughout the
+entire round, fast asleep. At the opening of the second round they
+attempted to clinch again, but missed each other, overbalanced
+and went to the mat. Neither could be persuaded to get up, and
+consequently both were counted out.
+
+It is therefore impossible to say who won or who lost, and the
+Heavyweight Championship of the World remains as open a question as
+ever.
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Second_ (_to stout entrant in a Novice Competition_).
+"NOW, DON'T FORGET--AS SOON AS THE BELL GOES RUSH AT 'IM AN' KEEP
+FLITTIN' IN AN' OUT LIKE BITS O' FORKED LIGHTNIN'."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EVE VICTORIOUS.
+
+"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?" said Christopher.
+
+"Christopher," I answered, "girls are the very dickens. You can't
+trust 'em. Never have anything to do with girls, my boy."
+
+"I'm not going to," said Christopher.
+
+This is what we said to each other afterwards. If either of us had
+thought of it before---- But that's the usual way, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Christopher and I were sitting by the fire. We were very peaceful and
+happy together, pretending to look at a book but really doing nothing
+at all.
+
+Then Dorothy came into the room. Dorothy is Christopher's cousin and
+six years old. Not that her age matters--six, sixteen or sixty, they
+are all the same.
+
+"What are you doing?" inquired Dorothy.
+
+"Nothing," murmured Christopher contentedly.
+
+"I wanted you to come and play with me."
+
+Christopher shuffled uneasily and I came to the rescue.
+
+"Not now, Dorothy," I said; "we are too comfortable. Come and have a
+look at this book with us."
+
+Dorothy looked at me as though she had just realised my presence.
+
+"I want Christopher to come and play with me," she repeated.
+
+Christopher has a fine old-fashioned idea of a host's duty to his
+guests. He stifled a yawn and slid from my knee.
+
+"All right, Dorothy," he said. "What shall we play?"
+
+Dorothy skipped like a young lamb. "Hide and Seek," she sang. "I'll go
+and hide. Don't look till I call."
+
+She danced gaily and triumphantly out of the room.
+
+Now I don't mind being snubbed and I certainly shouldn't trouble about
+a spot of a child who ought to have been kept in the nursery. Of
+course it's ridiculous even to begin explaining, isn't it? The thing's
+obvious. No, I felt that Dorothy should be taught a lesson; that is
+all. I thought it would be good for her.
+
+"That settles Dorothy," I said deliberately. "Now we can go on
+reading."
+
+"But she wants me to go and look for her," explained Christopher.
+
+"Then let her want," I said shortly. "We can't always
+be---- Christopher, we'll have a game with Dorothy. We'll stop where we
+are and let her look for herself."
+
+Christopher chuckled. "She'll be awfully angry," he said uncertainly.
+
+"Good!" said I.
+
+"Cooee!" came a voice from the far-away. We laughed guiltily to
+ourselves and settled down in the chair. The scheme proceeded
+according to plan.
+
+After sundry shrieks and screeches and whistles Dorothy grew impatient
+and adopted bolder tactics.
+
+"You can't find me," she called hopefully.
+
+I felt that it was time for a little encouragement.
+
+"I wonder where she can be?" I said loudly.
+
+There was a long silence. At last Dorothy grew desperate. "Look under
+the armchair in the hall," she called.
+
+Christopher and I smiled to ourselves. Then suddenly we heard her
+creeping towards the door. I blame Christopher for what followed.
+
+"She's coming," he whispered excitedly. "Let's hide."
+
+There was no time to think. We slipped rapidly under the table. A
+ridiculous thing to do, of course; so undignified. I kick myself when
+I think of it, but at the time---- Well, it was Christopher's fault for
+getting excited. So there we were squashed under the table when the
+door opened and Dorothy appeared.
+
+"I don't believe----" she began, and then stopped. "Why, they're
+not here," she gasped. And then Christopher spoilt everything by
+spluttering. I strangled him at once and we hoped that Dorothy hadn't
+heard. We saw her legs standing very still by the door. Then they
+moved quickly round the table to the fireplace. Christopher and I held
+our breaths and waited. We saw that Dorothy was pulling our chair
+round to face the fire. Then she sat herself in it and all we could
+see was the back of the chair.
+
+There was a great silence. Christopher and I looked at each other and
+decided that something must be done.
+
+I cleared my throat quietly. "Cooee!" I fluted.
+
+Dorothy began to sing a hymn in a loud voice.
+
+And then Cecilia came into the room.
+
+Now Cecilia is Christopher's mother and my sister. You will understand
+that neither Christopher nor I would care to appear ridiculous in
+front of her. So we kept quiet.
+
+"Hallo, Dorothy," said Cecilia; "all by yourself? Where's
+Christopher?"
+
+"I'm reading Christopher's book," said Dorothy, ignoring the question.
+"May I?"
+
+"Of course, dear," said Cecilia, sitting down. There was a lot more
+silence. It grew very hot and uncomfortable under the table.
+
+"What shall we do, Uncle?" whispered Christopher.
+
+"Come on," I said desperately. We crawled out and stood up.
+
+"What on earth----" began Cecilia.
+
+I managed a watery smile. "_Here_ we are," I said to Dorothy.
+
+Dorothy looked at us in surprise.
+
+"You _are_ untidy," she said. "Whatever have you been doing?"
+
+Christopher swallowed indignantly. "We were playing 'Hide and Seek'
+with you," he said.
+
+"Oh, I stopped playing a long time ago," said Dorothy. "I'm reading
+now." She turned to our book again. Cecilia began to laugh.
+
+"Come and have a wash, Christopher," I said in a strangled voice, and
+we moved off sheepishly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?" said Christopher.
+
+"Christopher," I answered, "girls are the very----" Well, I told you
+at the beginning what we said to each other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH EXPLOSIVE ART.
+
+    [_The Morning Post_ has been conducting a vigorous campaign
+    against singers who dispense with careful and prolonged training,
+    and by their spasmodic and declamatory style suggest the title of
+    "gaspers."]
+
+  Oh, all young folk of tuneful aims
+    And fancy names like Joan and Jasper,
+  I hope you'll read (and duly heed)
+    _The Morning Post_ upon the "gasper."
+
+  'Tis not the "fag" that is turned down,
+    Though that often proves a rasper
+  Upon the larynx; here the noun
+    Denotes the human, singing gasper.
+
+  Rome was not builded in a day,
+    Nor even row-boats (_teste_ CLASPER);
+  No more are voices which will stay,
+    Unlike the organ of the gasper.
+
+  Attorneys need, before they start,
+    Five years of training, but the grasper
+  Who grudges one to vocal art
+    Will end, as he began, a gasper.
+
+  Wherefore, ye men and maids who chant,
+    Refrain at all costs from exasper-
+  ating _The Morning Post_, which can't
+    Abide the methods of the gasper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "St. ---- Hall was filled last night with people, with Scottish
+    song--and with fog. Perhaps nothing but the ---- Orpheus Choir
+    could have done that."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE JAPANESE BUDGET.
+
+    Tokio, Tuesday.
+
+    The Cabinet has approved of the Budget, which totals 1,562 million
+    yen (about 2s.)."
+
+    _Jersey Paper._
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, please copy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POWER OF SENTIMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.
+
+BOND STREET.
+
+I find it very difficult to walk slowly down Bond Street as one
+ought to do; I always feel so guilty. Most of the people there look
+scornfully at me as if I belonged to Whitechapel, and the rest look
+suspiciously at me as if I belonged to Bond Street. My clothes are
+neither good enough nor bad enough. So I hurry through with the tense
+expression of a man who is merely using Bond Street as a thoroughfare,
+because it is the way to his dentist--as indeed in my case it is.
+But recently I _did_ saunter in the proper way, and I took a most
+thrilling inventory of the principal classes of shops, the results of
+which have now been tabulated by my statistical department.
+
+For instance, do you know how many shops in the street sell things for
+ladies to wear (not including boots, jewellery or shoes)? No? Well,
+there are thirty-three. Not many, is it? But then there are twenty-one
+jewellers (including pearl shops) and eight boot and/or shoe shops; so
+that, with two sort of linen places, which may fairly be reckoned
+as female, the ladies' total is sixty-four. I only counted a
+hundred-and-fifty shops altogether. Of that total, nine are places
+where men can buy things to wear, and ten are places where they can
+buy things to smoke; I have charitably debited all the cigarette-shops
+to the men, even the ones where the cigarettes are tipped with
+rose-leaves and violet-petals. But even if I do that and give the men
+the two places where you can buy guns and throw in the one garden-seat
+shop, we are left with the result:--
+
+    Feminine Shops.            Masculine Shops.
+
+    Dress                33    Dress         9
+    Jewellers            21    Tobacco      10
+    Boots and Shoes       8    Motors        9
+    Sort of Linen Places  2    Guns          2
+    Dog Bureau            1    Garden Seats  1
+                         --                 --
+                         65                 31
+
+From these figures a firm of Manchester actuaries has drawn the
+startling conclusion that Bond Street is more used by women than by
+men. It may be so. But a more interesting question is, how do all
+these duplicates manage to carry on, considering the very reasonable
+prices they charge? At one point there are three jewellers in a row,
+with another one opposite. Not far off there are three cigarette-shops
+together, madly defying each other with gold-tips and silver-tips,
+cork-tips and velvet-tips, rose-tips and lily-tips. There is only one
+book-shop, of course, but there are about nine picture-places. How do
+they all exist? It is mysterious.
+
+Especially when you consider how much trouble they take to avoid
+attracting attention. There are still one or two window-dressers
+who lower the whole tone of the street by adhering to the
+gaudy-overcrowded style; but the majority, in a violent reaction
+from that, seem to have rushed to the wildest extremes of the
+simple-unobtrusive. They are delightful, I think, those reverent
+little windows with the chaste curtains and floors of polished walnut,
+in the middle of which reposes delicately a single toque, a single
+chocolate or a single pearl. Some of the picture-places are among
+the most modest. There is one window which suggests nothing but the
+obscure branch of a highly-decayed bank in the dimmest cathedral town.
+On the dingy screen which entirely fills the window is written simply
+in letters which time has almost erased, "---- ---- PICTURES." Nothing
+could be less enticing. Yet inside, I daresay, fortunes are made
+daily. I noticed no trace of this method at the Advertisers'
+Exhibition; they might give it a trial.
+
+Now no doubt you fondly think that Bond Street is wholly devoted to
+luxuries; perhaps you have abandoned your dream of actually buying
+something in Bond Street? You are wrong. To begin with, there are
+about ten places where you can buy food, and, though there is no pub.
+now, there is a café (with a licence). There are two grocers and a
+poulterer. There is even a fish-shop--you didn't know that, did you? I
+am bound to say it seemed to have only the very largest fish, but they
+were obviously fish.
+
+Anyone can go shopping in Bond Street. I knew a clergyman once who
+went in and asked for a back-stud. He was afterwards unfrocked for
+riotous living, but the stud was produced. You can buy a cauliflower
+in Bond Street--if you know the ropes. There is a shop which merely
+looks like a very beautiful florist's. There are potatoes in the
+window, it is true, but they are "hot-house" ones; inside there is
+no trace of a common vegetable. But if you ask facetiously for a
+cauliflower (as I did) the young lady will disappear below ground and
+actually return with a real cauliflower (_de luxe_, of course). I
+remember few more embarrassing episodes.
+
+And if you like to inquire at the magnificent provision-merchant's he
+too will conjure up from the magic cellars boot-cream and metal-polish
+and all those vulgar groceries which make life possible. That is the
+secret of Bond Street. Beneath that glittering display of luxurious
+trivialities there are vast reserves of solid prosaic necessaries,
+only waiting to be asked for. A man could live exclusively on Bond
+Street. I don't know where you would buy your butchers' meat, but I
+have a proud fancy that, if you went in and said something to one of
+those sleek and sorrowful jewellers, he too would vanish underground
+and blandly return to you with a jewelled steak or a plush chop.
+
+Many years ago, they tell me, there _was_ a butcher in Bond Street.
+Perhaps you dealt there. For my part I was not eating much meat in
+those days. But I can imagine his window--a perfect little grotto of
+jasper and onyx, with stalactites of pure gold, and in the middle,
+resting on a genuine block of Arctic ice, an exquisite beef-sausage. I
+wish he would come back.
+
+It is difficult to realise that there is anything but shop-windows in
+Bond Street, but I like to think that, up there in those upper storeys
+which one never sees, there does dwell a self-contained little
+community to whom Bond Street is merely the village street, down which
+the housewives pass gossiping each morning to the greengrocer's or the
+fishmonger's and never purchase any pearls at all.
+
+When the butcher comes back I think I shall join them.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Father_. "LOOK HERE, BILLY, MR. SMITH CALLED AT THE
+OFFICE THIS MORNING ABOUT YOUR FIGHT WITH HIS BOY YESTERDAY."
+
+_Son_. "DID HE? I HOPE YOU GOT ON AS WELL AS I DID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of
+woollen gloves_). "OH, MUMMY, I WISH YOU HAD GOT KID. I HATE THIS
+KIND; THEY MAKE MY SWEETS SO HAIRY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SAD CASE OF EL GRECO.
+
+It was at the National Gallery, situated on the north side of
+Trafalgar Square, that I first made the acquaintance of one DOMENICO
+THEOTOCOPULI, a native of Crete, who--probably because his own people
+wanted him to be a stockbroker or something--set up as a painter
+in Spain, and was dubbed by the Dons "El Greco," as you might say
+"Scottie."
+
+For years I have been rather tickled by his manner of depicting Popes
+and Saints as if they were reflected in elongating mirrors labelled,
+"Before Dining at the Toreador Restaurant." But until quite lately
+I hardly ever met anyone who had even noticed him, so I felt quite
+bucked on the old chap's account when I heard that he was considered
+one of the most distinguished of the Spanish painters, past and
+present, who are on view just now at Burlington House.
+
+And what surprises me is not that old THEOTOCOPULI should attract so
+much attention in Piccadilly, but that such lots of people seem never
+to have known that he has been exhibiting himself all this time in
+Trafalgar Square.
+
+I'm sure Mrs. Bletherwood didn't, for one, when she tackled me at the
+Chattertons' the other afternoon.
+
+"Of course you've been to Burlington House?" she began, and she was in
+such a hurry to get first innings that she didn't give me time to say
+that I hadn't yet, but that I meant to go on my first free day that
+wasn't foggy.
+
+"Don't you _love_ those quaint 'El Grecos'?" she went on. "He's quite
+a discovery, don't you think? My daughter Muriel, who hopes to get
+into the Slade School soon now, says she doesn't see how anybody _can_
+see people differently from the way 'El Greco' saw people. And yet I
+don't know that I _quite_ like the idea of Muriel seeing _me_ like
+that, although she's _so_ clever...."
+
+I could not help thinking that in Mrs. Bletherwood's case the "El
+Greco" treatment would be an admirable corrective to a certain lateral
+expansion.
+
+"Besides," she continued in a confidential tone, "I've heard or read
+somewhere that there's just a doubt whether he distorted people on
+purpose or because there was something wrong with his eyes. If I
+thought it was astigmatism I would insist on taking Muriel to an
+oculist. I wonder what you think."
+
+I raised my teacup suggestively.
+
+Mrs. Bletherwood gasped. "You don't mean that he----"
+
+"Like a fish," I said.
+
+"Oh, how too disgraceful!" she exclaimed. "Fancy their having his
+pictures there at all. Such religious subjects too. I shall warn
+Muriel at once. I'm so thankful you told me...."
+
+Have I done a wrong to Señor DOMENICO THEOTOCOPULI ("El Greco")?
+Perhaps; but I hope it has prevented Miss Muriel Bletherwood from
+doing him a greater.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sun Sets This Morning     8.8
+     Sun Sets To-night         3.56"
+
+    _Liverpool Paper_.
+
+Just as in London last Wednesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vicar's Wife_. "THE VICAR WAS ASKING ONLY THIS MORNING
+WHY YOU WEREN'T IN THE HABIT OF ATTENDING CHURCH."
+
+_Latest Inhabitant_. "WELL, YOU SEE, IT DOES SO CUT INTO ONE'S SUNDAYS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURES FOR INSOMNIA.
+
+The following correspondence, clearly intended for the Editor of _The
+Daily Ailment_, has found its way into our letter-box. Another example
+of post-office inefficiency.
+
+SIR,--As a regular reader of your valuable journal I am always deeply
+interested in the views of your readers as expressed in its columns.
+The recent letters on the cure of insomnia have interested me
+particularly. Although I have read your paper for many years, always
+eaten standard bread, study most diligently each morning my lesson
+on Government wobble and waste, grow sweet peas, keep fowls, take my
+holidays early (in Thanet) and read the feuilleton, in short perform
+all the duties of an enthusiastic loyal Englishman, I cannot sleep.
+Yesterday I decided to try the remedies suggested by your readers.
+
+After inviting sleep with "a dish of boiled onions" I found that I
+must go to bed "without having eaten anything for five hours or so."
+This meant sitting up very late, but I found the time useful for
+taking "deep long breaths." Meanwhile I ran through the names of
+my friends alphabetically and emptied the feathers from my pillow,
+replacing them with hops. Sometimes a hop got mixed up in a "deep long
+breath," which was rather pleasant.
+
+Every few minutes I left my friends' names to say to myself, "I am
+terribly sleepy," or "I am falling asleep;" this was wrong, as the
+boiled onions had not had nearly five hours. "Relaxing all my muscles"
+was rather awkward, as one hand was filling the pillow with hops and
+the other was "holding a wet sponge," which _would_ drip water on
+the sheets. Another difficulty was "wafting myself in an imaginary
+aeroplane" to bring about "a state of oblivion and coma," which I
+might perhaps have done more easily by putting the hops to another
+use.
+
+I had to cut out the "recital of the Litany," partly because my
+friends' names had only got as far as George (Lloyd), and also
+because, being a Nonconformist, I don't know it. (I must learn it now
+the feuilleton is finishing.)
+
+But the most annoying part of the business was to find that, after all
+this elaborate preparation for sleep, I was to "take a brisk walk for
+half-an-hour" (whatever the weather conditions). Even this did not
+work, for by that time the milkmen and newsboys were heralding the
+dawn and kept my brain too alert.
+
+As a final effort, do you think you could produce a nightcap model
+of the Sandringham, or is it quite impossible for one who reads your
+paper to be anything but wideawake?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERFECT PARTNER.
+
+  There are, my Mabel, men who vow
+    The perfect wife is theirs
+  Because she smoothes the ruffled brow
+    And drives away their cares;
+  While there are others hold the view
+    That she is best who'll pay
+  Some trivial attention to
+    Her promise to obey.
+
+  Well, let each babble in his turn
+    About that spouse of his;
+  Not knowing you, how could they learn
+    What true perfection is?
+  Of all your sex you stand most high
+    By far and very far
+  Who mid your Christmas gifts can buy
+    A smokeable cigar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ECONOMISTS.
+
+SCENE.--_The Coalition Golf Club de luxe_.
+
+MR. BONAR LAW. "DARE WE HAVE CADDIES?"
+
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "NO, NO. WE ARE OBSERVED. THE PLACE IS ALIVE WITH
+ELECTORS."
+
+("Watch your M.P.!"--_Poster of Anti-Waste Press_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: THURSDAY.
+
+[After the Painting by W. DENDY SADLER.]
+
+SIR D. MACLEAN, MR. HOGGE, MR. G. LAMBERT, MR. G. R. THORNE, MR.
+ASQUITH, MR. ACLAND, GENERAL SEELY.]
+
+_Monday, December 6th._--"Logic has never governed Ireland and never
+will," said Lord MIDLETON to-day. It was certainly conspicuous by its
+absence from a good many of the speeches made in Committee on the
+Government of Ireland Bill. Representatives of Southern Ireland have
+been clamouring for greater financial control, but they quite changed
+their tone when Clause 24, enabling the Irish Parliaments to impose
+a surtax upon residents in Ireland, came up for discussion.
+While professing the greatest confidence in the desire of their
+fellow-countrymen to treat them fairly, Lords DROGHEDA, SLIGO and
+WICKLOW agreed in thinking that this was too dangerous a power to
+entrust to them; it would breed absenteeism and drive capital out of
+the country.
+
+Lord FINLAY, to whom as a Scotsman logic still makes appeal, was for
+the deletion of the whole clause. But the Irish Peers again objected;
+for they desired to preserve for the Irish Parliaments power to remit
+Imperial taxes, on the off-chance that some day it might be exercised.
+And they carried their point.
+
+According to Lieut.-Colonel CROFT the pencils used by the British
+Post-Office are procured from the United States. As one who has
+suffered I can only hope that Anglo-American friendship, already
+somewhat strained by the bacon episode, will survive this revelation.
+
+On the strength of a rumour that the seed of Irish peace had been
+planted in Downing Street, Mr. HOGGE promptly essayed to root it up in
+order to observe its progress towards fruition. The PRIME MINISTER,
+however, gave no encouragement to his well-intentioned efforts. Nor
+did he satisfy Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY'S curiosity as to whether
+Father O'FLANAGAN was "a Sinn Feiner on the bridge," beyond saying
+"that is what we want to find out."
+
+_Tuesday, December 7th._--After a week's interval for reflection and
+study Lord LINCOLNSHIRE moved the rejection of the Agriculture Bill.
+Adapting an old joke of Lord SPENCER'S, made in "another place" a
+generation ago, he observed that this was no more an agricultural Bill
+than he himself was an agricultural labourer. He knows however how
+to call a spade a spade, if not something more picturesque, and he
+treated the measure and its authors to all the resources of a varied
+vocabulary. Possibly his brother peers, while enjoying his invective,
+thought that it had been a little bit overdone, for of the subsequent
+speakers only Lord HINDLIP announced his intention of voting against
+the Bill, the others being of opinion that parts of it were, not
+excellent perhaps, but at least tolerable.
+
+In the Commons Viscount CURZON pressed upon the Government the
+desirability of licensing side-car combinations as taxi-cabs. The idea
+might, one feels, appeal to a Coalition Government but Sir JOHN BAIRD
+for the Home Office hinted at the existence of "serious objections."
+
+Collectively the House has an infantile mind. It went into kinks of
+laughter over a question put by Dr. MURRAY regarding the "daily mail
+service" between one of his beloved islands and the Scottish mainland.
+The author of the joke--and small blame to him--quite failed to
+appreciate how funny he had been until his neighbours muttered in
+stage-whispers, "_Daily Mail!_" "_Daily Mail!_" Then a wan smile broke
+over his own features.
+
+It has been stated in certain newspapers that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN has
+refused the Viceroyalty of India in consequence of the weak state of
+his health, and that for the same cause he is likely to vacate shortly
+the Chancellorship of the Exchequer. All I can say is that on the
+Treasury Bench he betrays no outward sign of this regrettable debility
+when dealing with critics of the Treasury. It is not easy to puncture
+the _æs triplex_ of Mr. BOTTOMLEY, but two words from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
+did it this afternoon.
+
+Sir ROBERT HORNE got a second reading for the Dyes Bill, a measure which
+he commended as being necessary to protect what is a key-industry both
+in peace and war. Dye-stuffs and poison-gas are, it seems, inextricably
+intermingled, and unless the Bill is passed we shall be able neither to
+dye ourselves nor to poison our enemies.
+
+_Wednesday, December 8th._--The Agriculture Bill found one
+thoroughgoing supporter in the Duke of MARLBOROUGH, an "owner-occupier"
+so enamoured of Government control that he desires to see the whole of
+the ditches and hedges of England administered out of public funds; and
+a host of critics, friendly and otherwise. Lord CHAPLIN, though he
+thought the Bill one of the worst ever introduced, declined to vote
+against the Second Reading; Lord HARRIS believed that it would make
+very little difference one way or the other; Lord RIBBLESDALE, as an
+old-fashioned Free Trader, would have nothing to do with it; Lord LOVAT
+was of opinion that as an insurance for our food supply it would not
+compare with a Channel Tunnel; and Lord BUCKMASTER feared that it would
+rather strengthen than allay the demand for land nationalisation. The
+Government approached the division in some trepidation and were the
+more rejoiced when, in an unusually big House, the Second Reading was
+carried by 123 votes to 85.
+
+But for the self-sacrifice of Mr. SPEAKER the Commons would have made
+themselves ridiculous this evening. Major ARCHER-SHEE wanted to have
+up a certain newspaper for breach of privilege in endeavouring to
+dictate to Members how they should vote. He obtained leave to move the
+adjournment and would doubtless have provided the peccant journal with
+a valuable free advertisement had not Mr. LOWTHER, reckless of his
+reputation for infallibility, suddenly remembered that motions for the
+adjournment were intended for criticising the Government and not for
+rebuking irresponsible outsiders. At his request the gallant Major
+withdrew his motion, and _The Daily_ ---- lost its advertisement.
+
+Invigorated by this episode the House--or what was left of it--resumed
+the Report stage of the Ministry of Health Bill. The debate was
+remarkable for the brevity of some of the speeches. Sir ROWLAND BLADES
+set a good example to new Members by making a "maiden" effort in a
+minute and a half. But his record was easily beaten by Mr. SEXTON, who
+found ten seconds sufficient for expressing his opinion that the
+fact that the House was trying to legislate in the small hours was
+sufficient proof of the necessity of extending the laws of lunacy.
+"_Si argumentum requiris circumspice_," he might have said as he gazed
+upon the recumbent and yawning figures around him.
+
+_Thursday, December 9th._--Mr. BONAR LAW enumerated a portentous list
+of measures which the House of Commons must pass if it wants to enjoy
+its Christmas holidays in peace. Lord HUGH CECIL wanted to know what
+was the use of passing "all these foolish little Bills." Mr. PEMBERTON
+BILLING had another solution for the difficulty and asked, "Why not
+pass them all _ad hoc_?" meaning, it is supposed, "_en bloc_."
+
+Well might the PRIME MINISTER remark at Question-time that he welcomed
+the attacks of a certain section of the Press on the "Wastrels"
+because then he knew the Government was all right. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT
+made a lively speech in support of his proposal to "ration" the
+Government to a sum of £808,000,000--the amount Mr. CHAMBERLAIN had
+said would suffice for a normal year. But his criticisms were too
+discursive to be really dangerous, and his condemnation of "sloppy
+Socialism" put up the backs of the Labour Party.
+
+The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER reminded the House that when he talked
+of a "normal Budget" he had been careful to add, "but not this year,
+next year or the year after," which sounds suspiciously like the
+nursery formula, "This year, next year, sometime, NEVER."
+
+Still the great majority of the Members were only too anxious to be
+convinced, and passed by a huge majority the "blanketing" amendment of
+Sir GODFREY COLLINS in favour of economy in the abstract. I don't know
+how this is to be squared with the PRIME MINISTER'S theory that it
+is the business of the Government "to see that the population is
+contented." That sounds a little like _panem et circenses_--a policy
+which did not work out cheaply.
+
+_Friday, December 10th._--With the air of one who has something fresh
+and strange to impart the PRIME MINISTER informed the House of Commons
+to-day that in regard to Ireland "the Government are determined on a
+double policy." The novelty presumably consists in putting those
+old stagers, conciliation and coercion, hitherto only tried
+tandem-fashion, into double harness. Martial law is to be introduced
+in certain of the most disturbed districts, and at the same time
+such Sinn Fein M.P.'s as are not "on the run" are to be called into
+conference. On the face of it the prospect looks unpromising, but
+happily Ireland is essentially the place where nothing happens save
+the unexpected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Actor-Manager of Touring Company._ "CONFOUND OUR LUCK!
+THE LEADING LADY HAS DESERTED US IN OUR HOUR OF NEED--ELOPED WITH THE
+OSTLER FROM YONDER PUBLIC-HOUSE--ON _THIS_ OF ALL EVENINGS, WHEN THE
+AUDIENCE THREATENS TO OUTNUMBER THE CAST."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Macdonald._ "MAN SANDY, ARE YE BOGGIT?" _Sandy._ "AY,
+MACDONALD, I'M BOGGIT."
+
+_Macdonald._ "YE CANNA GET OOT?" _Sandy._ "I'M NO BIDING HERE FOR THE
+PLEESURE O 'T!"
+
+_Macdonald._ "I DOOT YE'D LIKE FINE TO COME OOT?" _Sandy._ "AY, I
+WOULD THAT."
+
+_Macdonald._ "WEEL, 'TWAD BE A CHRISTIAN ACT TO PULL YE OOT, BUT
+_VERRA_ DEEFFICULT--UNLESS YE'VE NO FAIRTHER USE FOR YOUR RED COO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAKING THE LAW POPULAR.
+
+A writer in an evening contemporary complains that one has some
+difficulty in finding the notices to jurors in the newspapers.
+
+We have often thought that more prominence might be given to the Law
+Notices generally. Printed in the smallest type and abbreviated almost
+beyond understanding, they are by no means the brightest item of news.
+
+Would it not be an advantage to hand the department over to a smart
+paragraphist? Readers might then be entertained by something like the
+following:--
+
+Visitors to the Law Courts to-day should on no account fail to look in
+at King's Bench XIII., which is one of the cosiest of our beautiful
+Courts of Justice. Here will be continued the scintillating contest
+between Sir Anthony Prius, K.C., and that rising young barrister,
+Mr. Terry Blee-Smart, K.C. It is more than probable that the
+cross-examination of the humorous butcher will continue through most
+of the day.
+
+The first case on the list in the Lord Chief's Court to-day is
+no other than _The King_ v. _The Dean and Chapter of Mumborough
+Cathedral_. While it is not expected that his Majesty's engagements
+will permit him to be present, an action of this character is fraught
+with more than common interest, since it must be seldom that the Royal
+House finds itself in such conflict with the Church as to resort to
+the arbitrament of the law.
+
+We see no reason why some legal engagements should not be boldly
+displayed, the more readily to catch the reader's eye. Why not the
+following:--
+
+        ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE.
+        ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE.
+        ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE.
+      YOU MUST NOT MISS THIS!
+        Chancery Court No. 29,
+              Before
+        Mr. Justice Howling,
+  _Binks_ v. _Arcana Cinema Company, Ltd._
+
+As one of the leading comedians of the day Mr. TIM BINKS never fails
+to create roars of laughter, and with Mr. JUSTICE HOWLING may be
+relied upon to put up a show provocative of never-failing mirth.
+
+
+CHEER YOURSELF UP! ADMISSION FREE!
+
+  Whether it's wet or whether it's fine,
+  Visit Chancery Twenty-nine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+  THE LOBSTER.
+
+  The lobster is an oblong crab
+    With one or two antennæ;
+  I fancy life would be less drab
+    If people had as many.
+
+  I think he uses them to smell,
+    But what he most enjoys
+  Is rubbing them against his shell;
+    It makes a funny noise.
+
+  He rubs away like anything,
+    And you should see his face!
+  Alas, he thinks that he can sing;
+    But that is not the case.
+
+  He's very sensitive and shy;
+    At last when he is dead
+  _He knows the truth_--and that is why
+    He goes so very red.
+
+ A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Your System appealed to me as a rational means of exercise
+    without undue fatigue, and I started on the 10th of March, 1920.
+    I was then in my 75th year, and now within only two months of
+    completing the 85th." _Advt. in Sunday Paper_.
+
+If he keeps it up he should be a centenarian by about the end of next
+year. One seems to age rather rapidly under this system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OTHER HALF.
+
+I was sitting by Anderson's fire the other day when his telephone bell
+rang. He made the usual insincere exclamation of disgust--as insincere
+as the horror we simulate when a bundle of letters is brought into
+the room, to have letters and to be called up on the telephone being
+really adventures and therefore welcome; and he then crossed the room
+to answer the call.
+
+"Shall I go?" I asked, thinking that he might prefer to be alone.
+
+"Oh, no," he said, and I remained. I was not trying to overhear, but
+it couldn't be helped.
+
+This is the conversation (his half) that I heard:--
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Speaking. Who is it?"
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting horribly nervous. How is he?"
+
+"Good Heavens! I was afraid he might be. What do you think?"
+
+"Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know."
+
+"I'll think about it and let you know."
+
+"Quite likely. I'll go into that and let you know. She can't be
+absolutely alone anyway. There must be another some time."
+
+"And what do you propose to do now?"
+
+"You're sure it will be painless?"
+
+"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything."
+
+"Thank you very much. I shall tell my wife he died in his sleep.
+Good-bye."
+
+What, I wonder, would you have made of that? Some telephone
+conversations are easy to construct, but this to me was a puzzle. What
+had Anderson been up to? It must be an awful moment, I have often
+thought as I read divorce and other cases, when a friend is suddenly
+turned into a witness; and I had the feeling that that might be my lot
+now. Those clever cross-examining devils, they can get anything out of
+you. If Anderson had known who was ringing him up he would probably
+(so I reasoned) have got me out of the room; but, having once started,
+he decided to brazen it out as the less suspicious way.
+
+As so often happens, however, I was wrong. This is the whole innocent
+conversation:--
+
+"Is that 1260?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is Mr. Anderson there?"
+
+"Speaking. Who is it?"
+
+"Harding, the veterinary surgeon."
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting horribly nervous. How is he?"
+
+"He's worse."
+
+"Good Heavens! I was afraid he might be. What do you think?"
+
+"I think we had better put an end to him."
+
+"Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know."
+
+"Shall I be looking about for another?"
+
+"I'll think about it and let you know."
+
+"Perhaps a totally different breed would be better; not another Peke.
+There'd be fewer unhappy associations then, don't you see?"
+
+"Quite likely. I'll go into that and let you know. She can't be
+absolutely alone, anyway. There must be another some time."
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And what do you propose to do now?"
+
+"Oh, I'll give him poison."
+
+"You're sure it will be painless?"
+
+"Quite."
+
+"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything."
+
+"That will be all right."
+
+"Thank you very much. I shall tell my wife he died in his sleep.
+Good-bye."
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOUNTAIN AND THE PROPHETS.
+
+My dear Charles,--At Geneva there is, and was long before the arrival
+of the League of Nations, a mountain. There are many mountains in
+Switzerland, but Geneva's private mountain happens to be in France.
+It is called "The Salève," a nasty name, but not of my choosing. If,
+being in Geneva, you want to go up The Salève (as I personally do not)
+you have first to get your passport off the police. The police are
+always a little difficult about passports, but, if you mention the
+name of The Salève, you will find them easier. You have next to obtain
+the French _visa_ in order to get out of Geneva; then the Swiss _visa_
+in order to get back again. Thus provided you have to compete with a
+complicated and long-drawn process of trams and frontier controls;
+even so you find yourself at the bottom and not at the top of The
+Salève.
+
+Being a busy (or shall we say idle?) man yourself, you will thus
+understand the reasons of my policy; if the mountain will not come to
+MAHOMED then MAHOMED and the mountain are best kept apart.
+
+The inhabitants of Geneva have long been contriving, intriguing, I
+will even say complotting, to get me up The Salève. My doctor, having
+made me thoroughly interested in myself, got on to the subject of
+exercise; when my banker passed from the subject of interest on
+overdrafts to the advisability of my seeing the great Geneva view, it
+was undoubtedly blackmail; and as for my dentist--well, you know what
+dentists are and what mean advantages they take. But this one, I
+think, over-stepped the limit when he allowed the crown of my tooth to
+remind him of the crown of Mont Blanc; paused in fixing the former to
+descant on the beauties of the latter; told me that from The Salève
+I should get a better view of the latter than he, where he was, was
+getting of the former; asked me almost simultaneously if he was
+hurting me and if I had been up The Salève, and told me that I must go
+up it and (which I took to mean "or") that he might have to hurt me.
+
+That was the most critical moment in the whole Battle of The Salève;
+the military critics are unanimous that I should have then said, "I
+will go up," had I been in a position to say anything at all. Saved by
+the gag, I have won the war against the Genevois.
+
+I have taken the standpoint of the prophet, who, as you know, is not
+without honour abroad--a prophet with the policy outlined above. When
+a prophet of my sort decides on a policy, and that policy consists of
+doing nothing, he takes a lot of shifting, even on the flat. And there
+the matter and I remained, when there arrived from England, on or
+about November 15th, a positive cloud of prophets, intent on the
+League of Nations. The busiest figure among them is the secretary of
+one of the delegates. Pretending to be my best friend he sought the
+occasion of a heart-to-heart with me. I took it he wanted to discuss
+Nations; it appeared he wanted to discuss mountains. I hoped he was
+considering them generally in mass, possibly with the view of making a
+League of them. He was thinking in the particular, and you can guess
+what particular. He was beginning to think of wanting to go up It.
+
+In an effective speech, which brought tears to my eyes but merely gave
+him an opportunity to fill and light his pipe, I put all the "cons"
+before him, particularly the passport part. As a man speaking with the
+authority behind him of a world leagued together, he detailed all
+the "pros." We must act together, he and I; he would assemble the
+prophets, I the passports.
+
+I refused to be bullied by him. He named some major prophets, whom I
+should find it more difficult to withstand. His propaganda amongst
+them apparently began at once. Mark the sequence of events:--
+
+On Tuesday, November 16th, His Majesty's Minister-Plenipotentiary and
+Envoy-Extraordinary in Switzerland assembled the British element to
+dinner. I have reason to know that he had already been approached
+by the secretary. The Crown of Mont Blanc was freely discussed and
+curiosity was aroused as to the identity, the desirability, even the
+approachability of the nearer mountain.
+
+On Wednesday, November 17th, I ran into Lieut.-Col. His Highness the
+JAM SAHIB of NAWANAGAR--"RANJI," in brief. He was standing at the
+entrance of his hotel in significant meditation. The entrance of his
+hotel looks upon The Salève and past it to the Crown of Mont Blanc.
+And that was where he looked.
+
+On Friday, November 19th, I found the Right Hon. G. N. BARNES walking
+along the Quai de Mont Blanc in the fatal direction. His eyebrows
+pointed relentlessly upward.
+
+On Saturday, November 20th, Mr. BALFOUR arrived. The secretary began
+to talk about a date for our excursion.
+
+On Sunday, November 21st, I became involved in conversation with Lord
+ROBERT CECIL in his room in his hotel. He moved towards the window,
+and as he did so Armenia, Vilna and all the Powers that want to come
+into the League and all the Powers that want to stay out of the League
+faded from his mind, and he called attention to the Crown of Mont
+Blanc and fixed his eagle eye upon the mole-hill in between.
+
+On Monday, November 22nd, the secretary came to me and ordered me to
+provide passports, duly _visaed_, for The Salève party--seven in
+all, myself included. I told him that I would appeal direct to the
+delegates themselves, with whom I had already done some defensive
+propaganda on my own. He told me it was nothing to do with the
+delegates; it was the delegates' ladies. Fool that I was, I had never
+thought of them!
+
+That night I wrote in my diary: "At Geneva there is a mountain. It is
+called The Salève--a nasty name for a nasty mountain. On Saturday I
+shall be on the top of it. I always knew that the League of Nations
+would make trouble."
+
+On Tuesday, November 23rd, I sent an emissary among the ladies to
+persuade them that the summit of The Salève was loathsome. The
+emissary succeeded in establishing this point by contrasting it
+unfavourably with the Crown of Mont Blanc. The ladies thanked the
+emissary cordially for her most interesting information and said they
+would take steps to see the Crown of _Mont Blanc_ more nearly, even if
+those steps had to be up The Salève.
+
+That night I wrote in my diary: "For a year I have fought and won, but
+on Saturday the Crown of Mont Blanc will witness my defeat, and the
+whole range of the Alps will look on in silent contempt."
+
+On Wednesday morning, November 24th, I met Mr. BALFOUR crossing the
+Pont du Mont Blanc. He was looking at It with that dreamy smile of
+his, which seems to laugh at the littleness of man and the futility of
+his policies. That finished me.
+
+On Wednesday night, November 24th-25th (read your paper to witness if
+I lie), the Crown of Mont Blanc fell off ... I have left The Salève
+where it is. What does it matter now?
+
+Yours ever, Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HULLO, BROWN! FANCY RUNNING UP AGAINST YOU. HOW SMALL
+THE WORLD IS, TO BE SURE!"
+
+"Y-YES. TERRIBLY SMALL, ISN'T IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Enough Said.
+
+"Sir Henry apologised at the close for having made the lecture
+somewhat shorter than usual. Sir Donald ---- said that theirs was an
+unspoken gratitude to Sir Henry for having done what he had been able
+to do."--_Scots Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MADRID, Dec. 8.
+
+"The Ministry of Public Works has announced that on January 15 next an
+opportunity will be offered to foreign firms to secure orders for 119
+railway engines and tenders needed by the Spanish railway companies.
+Tenders must be handed personally by a duly accredited representative
+of the firm making the offer."--_Times._
+
+The engines may, however, be done up in a parcel and sent by post in
+the usual manner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Indian Servant (as telephone continues ringing)._
+"OH, SAR, DO NOT BE SO ANGRY. THE SAHIB IS COMING VERY QUICKLY, I TELL
+YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARRIVAL OF THE MANX BALLET.
+
+The first visit of the Manx Ballet to London is undoubtedly the most
+outstanding feature in the annals of choregraphic and corybantic
+realism since the historic _première_ of the Botocudo Troupe on
+September 31st, 1919. And it is all the more welcome as an indication
+of the emergence of a native school, fully equipped in technique and
+scenic resource and, above all, imbued from start to finish with
+a high sense of the paramount importance of psycho-analysis in
+eliminating all supra-liminal elements from the orchestro-mimetic
+drama.
+
+The most ambitious as well as the most successful item in the
+programme presented on Saturday night at the Colossodrome was _The Cat
+of Ballasalla_, that wonderful old Manx legend of the Princess who
+was turned into a cat by the enchantments of the Wizard of Dhoon
+and subsequently sentenced to decaudation by the cruel Scandinavian
+invader, MAGNUS BARFOD. The scene of the trial in the great
+synclinorium of Greeba Castle--exhibiting contemporaneous
+carboniferous tuffs, soft argillaceous rocks with choriambic fossils
+as well as later dolerite dykes, amid which the feline amenities of
+the Princess were illustrated with miraculous agility by Miss Agneesh
+Crannoge--compares favourably with the most ambitious enormities ever
+perpetrated by the genius of BAKST, DIAGHILEV, or even COCODRILLO, the
+Sardinian neo-Gongorist.
+
+The music, which is chiefly founded on Manx folk-songs, developed
+and adapted by Mr. Orry Poolvash, is richly suggestive of the
+psycho-analytic basic aroma which pervades the entire scenario. The
+absence of a Coda in the Funeral March which concludes the ballet is
+an exquisitely pathetic touch which could only have occurred to a
+composer of genius. The orchestration is sumptuous and sonorous, the
+usual instruments being supplemented by two Glory Quayle-horns, a
+quartet of Laxey-phones with rotating C and C sharp crooks, a Manx
+harp with three strings, and a Miaowola, which gives out the Death
+Motive of the Princess at the various crises of the drama in tones of
+sublimated anguish and intensity.
+
+We have only space in this brief preliminary notice to remark that the
+programme includes a humorous extravaganza entitled _The Quirks of
+Quilliam_, in which a grotesque _pas de quatre_ for the _Deemster_,
+the _Doomster_, the _Boomster_ and the _Scrabster_, forms the central
+episode; and ends with a satiric sketch, _The Golden Calf of Man_,
+apparently aimed at the extravagance of Lancashire trippers, who are
+pursued by demons into Sulby Glen, and released, to the sound of
+sea-trumpets, by the beneficent intervention of _Lord Greeba_ on their
+promising to evacuate the island.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOLFING "IFS."
+
+  If you bring your own lunch
+  And frugally munch
+  Your sandwich and cake
+  For economy's sake;
+  If you strictly abstain
+  From sloe-gin and champagne,
+  Never touching a drop
+  Save perhaps ginger-pop;
+  If you're clever enough
+  To keep out of the rough,
+  If you don't slice or hook
+  Into pond, dyke or brook
+  Your new three-shilling ball,
+  And, best saving of all,
+  If you carry your clubs,
+  You can pay heavy "subs.,"
+  Fees for entrance and greens,
+  Without straining your means,
+  And, though you're a middle-
+    Class man, not a peer,
+  Agree with LORD RIDDELL
+    That golf isn't dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cheery Sportsman._ "HAD SIX FALLS IN TWO DAYS, HAVE
+YOU? WELL, CHEER UP. YOUR LUCK'S BOUND TO CHANGE SOON. THESE THINGS
+ALWAYS COME IN CYCLES."
+
+_Rough Rider._ "MINE SEEM TO COME IN MOTOR LORRIES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+The news that Mr. STEPHEN LEACOCK has published a fresh series of
+burlesques will, I do not doubt, add to the Christmas jollity of a
+vast crowd of laughter-lovers. The name of it is _Winsome Winnie, and
+other New Nonsense Novels_ (LANE), and I can only describe it in that
+pet phrase of the house-agents as "examined and strongly recommended"
+for the merriest five-shillings' worth that I have enjoyed this long
+time. If ever a volume demanded to be read aloud over the Yule log
+here it is. Which of the eight novels is the most irresistible must
+remain, I suppose, a matter of individual taste; for myself I found
+the opening chapter in the title-tale the funniest thing in the
+collection, and that not forgetting the billiard match in the
+detective story, a contest that I defy anyone to follow without tears.
+To attempt analysis of such happily unforced humour would be a dark
+and dreadful task; but I incline to think that, more than most, the
+fun of Mr. LEACOCK (to be accurate one should, I suppose, say Dr.
+LEACOCK) depends upon the sudden tripping-up of the reader in
+his moment of fancied security. The _cliché_, with its deceptive
+appearance of solid and familiar ground, conceals an unexpected trap.
+Thus _Winnie_, the thrown-upon-the-world heroine, asked by the family
+lawyer how she proposes to gain a livelihood, replies in consecrated
+phrase, "I have my needle." "_Let me see it_," says the lawyer. But I
+grow pedantic; far more important than the method of this little book
+is its gift of seasonable entertainment, for which we need only wipe
+our eyes and be grateful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Royal Artillery War Commemoration Book_ Messrs. G. BELL AND
+SONS have produced a noble volume worthy of the great record of the
+Royal Regiment. To the energy and enthusiasm of Mrs. AMBROSE DUDLEY is
+largely due the collection of the fine material which Major-General
+Sir HERBERT UNIACKE has here set out in fair order and proportion.
+Personal diaries dealing with various phases of the War on all fronts
+or with the daily routine of batteries are here interspersed with
+articles and poems of a more purely literary quality and with original
+illustrations, largely the work of Gunner-officers and extremely well
+reproduced. Among the most notable contributors are Brigadier-General
+J. H. MORGAN, Major V. R. BURKHARDT, D.S.O., Major The Master of
+BELHAVEN, Captain VICTOR WALROND (the last two killed in action),
+Captain GILBERT HOLIDAY, Captain H. ASQUITH, Lieut. ROBERT NICHOLS,
+Lieut. GILBERT FRANKAU, Gunner MEARS, the Hon. NEVILLE LYTTON, Mr.
+SEPTIMUS POWER, Mr. W. ROTHENSTEIN, Miss LUCY KEMP-WELCH and Mr. C.
+CLARK. _Punch_ is represented by several artists, including Captain E.
+H. SHEPARD, M.C., and Lieut. WALLIS MILLS (both of the Regiment), who
+have contributed some delightful colour-sketches, very faithfully
+observed. Many of the poems, too, that appear in the volume have been
+reprinted from the pages of _Punch_. There are brief records of
+those members of the Regiment who won the V.C., many portraits
+of "Representative Artillerymen," and a Roll of Honour of fallen
+officers, numbering 3,507. Lack of space alone prevented the inclusion
+of the names of the 45,442 Other Ranks who gave their lives for their
+country. Every Gunner who does not possess this splendid memorial work
+should have it given to him this Christmas by some proud relative or
+friend. Like the Regiment, it should go _Ubique_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. ROBERT CHAMBERS decides to give his neurotic New York society
+women a miss, and exploit his more imaginative and adventurous vein, I
+always know that I am in for a late night and an extra large gas
+bill. Like the British soldier Mr. CHAMBERS does not carry the word
+"impossible" in his vocabulary. Why should he, since he can give the
+semblance of reality to the utterly unbelievable? Then one mutters,
+"What utter rubbish!" and sends round to the bookseller to enquire if
+by any chance there is a sequel coming out. In _The Slayer of
+Souls_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Mr. CHAMBERS is at his best and most
+impossible. A race of dreadful magicians, the descendants of the
+Old Man of the Mountain, who have been multiplying and acquiring
+extraordinary psychic powers in the interior of China for centuries,
+come forth to do battle with the United Secret Service for the souls
+of men. They have inspired the Hun, and the Bolshevik has been their
+tool. Fortunately a beautiful young American girl, who was brought up
+in their midst and has learned all their grizzly powers and (as it
+seems) a bit more, is on the side of the "forces of law and order."
+The struggle is titanic, for these magicians can slay and be slain
+corporeally and incorporeally with equal ease. I do not need to tell
+you who wins out, but neither will I intimate how it is done. I can
+only say that I envy anybody who is fortunate enough to have a long
+evening before him and _The Slayer of Souls_ at his elbow, still
+unread.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Uncle Pierce's Legacy_ (METHUEN) Mrs. DOROTHEA CONYERS gives
+us once more all that we have learned to expect of her novels: the
+friendly, witty, blundering servants; the hunting society in which
+wealth and poverty, breeding and vulgarity, cheerfully rub shoulders;
+the descriptions of the wistful beautiful West of Ireland in autumn
+and winter; and above all the horses. Added to all this there are Sinn
+Fein raids, real and imaginary, to bring things up to date. A rather
+unconvincing plot, with a dash of _Great Expectations_ in it, yet
+offers a situation which has plenty of amusing possibilities. _Honor_
+and _Evie Nutting_, two middle-aged spinsters, find themselves the
+possessors of eight thousand a year, on condition that they spend it
+all. That sounds, of course, a very pleasant arrangement; but they
+have been struggling for years to make ends meet and economy has
+become a habit. The end of the first quarter finds them sending
+_Harris_, the English manservant, in haste to buy a frying-pan with
+the last unspent three shillings and sixpence. That the _Uncle Pierce_
+of the title should be really a brother, that characters should change
+their names without rhyme or reason from paragraph to paragraph, and
+that inverted commas should make their appearance just anywhere--all
+this, I think, is the author's clever way of suggesting an atmosphere
+of Irish irresponsibility, and it is quite successful. _Uncle Pierce's
+Legacy_ is a pleasant tale most pleasantly told, and it is not Mrs.
+CONYERS' fault, but her misfortune (and ours), that novels which
+describe the lighter side of Irish life, even with the tenderest
+humour, are more likely just now to make one sigh than smile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do not know whether _The Scar_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) first saw
+publication in any of our popular dailies, but from internal evidence
+I should be strongly inclined to suspect it. At least Miss RUBY M.
+AYRES has written an admirable example of the class of tale, beloved
+of our serial public, in which new every morning are the tribulations
+of the elect, only to vanish with startling suddenness in the last
+days of June or December. For example, _Mark_, the hero, begins as the
+misunderstood son of one of those widower-fathers who in such stories
+dwell for ever behind the locked doors of studies, leaving in this
+instance _Mark_ to be the victim of an aunt whose lack of sympathy
+approaches the pantomimic. All the usual results follow, even to the
+acquisition by _Mark_ of a faithful hound, which the least experience
+of sentimental fiction would have caused any insurance company to
+refuse on sight. When therefore _Aunt Midian_, following her appointed
+course, effaced this friend-of-man, I confess that my grief was to
+some extent tempered by a recognition of the inevitable. Of course,
+however, _Mark_ does not remain for long in what I might call these
+dog-days of his young affection; love, strong, passionate and not too
+slavishly restricted to a single object, soon has his world going
+round as fast as the most exacting reader could desire. For the
+decorous details of this delirium I need only add that, if you want
+them, you know where to go to find them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Had I been asked to godfather _Smith and the Pharaohs_ (ARROWSMITH) I
+should have refused to stand, unless its name was changed to "Barbara
+who Came Back," for the tale of _Barbara_ is by far the best in this
+book of short stories. It would be boastful--as well as untrue--to say
+that I have read all of Sir H. RIDER HAGGARD'S many books, but as far
+as my experience of them goes I find a delightfully fresh quality in
+this tale. It may be old-fashioned and over-sentimental, but in spite
+of these defects it has a very definite charm, and its conclusion
+makes a curious and legitimate appeal to the emotions. All the other
+stories are well up to standard, and it is amazing that an author who
+has written so much still shows no symptoms either of weariness or
+vain repetition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those who appreciate Miss C. FOX SMITH'S familiarity with the ways and
+moods of sailormen and her flair for the true sea-tang will welcome
+the new collection of poems which she has brought out under the title,
+_Ships and Folks_ (ELKIN MATHEWS). Most of these verses have appeared
+in _Punch_, and no further commendation is here needed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Christmas Card Artist (of the Old School)._ "GOOD
+HEAVENS! CAN IT BE POSSIBLE THAT SUCH THINGS _ARE_?"]
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's notes:
+
+   Page 465: Tristan d'Acunha--this spelling also appears in the
+   next issue of 'Punch'.
+
+   Page 478: choregraphic is a valid spelling of choreographic.
+   (Oxford Dictionary: Cho'regraph etc. See CHOREOGRAPH etc.)
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+159, DECEMBER 15, 1920***
+
+
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+<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+December 15, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman</h1>
+<pre>
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at <a href = "http://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a></pre>
+<p>Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 15, 1920</p>
+<p>Author: Various</p>
+<p>Editor: Owen Seaman</p>
+<p>Release Date: September 19, 2006  [eBook #19334]</p>
+<p>Language: English</p>
+<p>Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1</p>
+<p>***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 159, DECEMBER 15, 1920***</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<h4>E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram,<br />
+    and the Project Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team<br />
+    (http://www.pgdp.net/)</h4>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page461" id="page461"></a>[pg 461]</span>
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 159.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h3><span class="sc1">December 15, 1920</span></h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+<h4>CHARIVARIA.</h4>
+
+
+<p>Apparently the official decision not
+to issue Christmas excursion tickets
+for journeys of less than one hundred
+miles will inflict some inconvenience
+on the public. Several correspondents
+point out that they will be obliged to
+travel further than they had intended.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A newspaper correspondent describes
+<span class="sc">Charlie Chaplin</span> as being an amusing
+companion in private life. We always
+suspect a popular comedian of having
+his lighter moments.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"For twenty years," says a contemporary,
+"Superintendent Spencer of
+Scotland Yard has been watching the
+King." We hasten to add that during
+all that time <span class="sc">His Majesty</span>
+has never done
+anything to excite
+suspicion.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>This year's Oxford
+and Cambridge Rugby
+match is said to have
+been the most exciting
+in the memory of the
+oldest undergraduate.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to <i>The
+Daily Express</i> twenty-five
+thousand Government
+officials are
+on strike in Austria.
+People are asking why
+we can't have this
+sort of thing in England.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Official kissing at
+Presidential functions
+is now discontinued in
+France and visitors must shake hands
+in future. These curtailed amenities are
+still an improvement on the Mexican
+custom of exchanging revolver shots.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Hats," says <i>The Times</i>' fashion
+correspondent, "are worn well on the
+head." We have always regarded this
+as the best place to wear a hat on.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>White spats are to be fashionable
+this winter, we read. In muddy weather,
+however, the colour-scheme may be
+varied. Only the other day we saw
+one gentleman wearing a beautiful pair
+of Dalmatians.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>So many singers want to run before
+they can walk, says Mr. <span class="sc">Ben Davies</span>.
+With some singers whom we have
+heard, the ability to dodge as well as
+run would be an advantage.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Loud cheers were given, says a
+Bolshevist wireless message, when
+<span class="sc">Lenin</span> left Petrograd for Moscow. We
+can well believe it.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Bolshevists now forbid men to
+walk through the streets with their
+hands in their pockets. Hands in other
+peoples' pockets every time is their
+motto.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A palpitating writer in a Sunday
+paper asks if the summit of English
+life is being made a true Olympus or a
+rooting-ground for the swine of <span class="sc">Epicurus</span>.
+Judging by the present exorbitant
+price of a nice tender loin of
+pork, with crisp crackling, we should
+say the former.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A West Norwood man who described
+himself as a poet told the
+magistrate that he had twice been
+knocked down by a motor-cyclist. Our
+opinion is that he should have given
+up poetry when he was knocked down
+the first time.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span> cannot be
+in two places at once, says <i>The Bristol
+Evening News</i>. All the same it is a
+dangerous thing to put him on his
+mettle like that.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Many people remain oblivious of the
+approach of Christmas until the appearance
+of mistletoe at Covent Garden.
+We don't wait for that; we go by the
+appearance in <i>The Daily Mail</i> of a
+letter announcing the discovery of primroses in Thanet.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Measures to arrest the subsidence of
+the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral have
+again become imperative. The cause
+assigned is the depressing effect of the
+<span class="sc">Dean</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Of several hats caught up in a recent
+whirlwind it was observed that the
+one with the largest circulation was a
+"Sandringham."</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A judge has decided that it is <i>ultra
+vires</i>  for a municipal body to run a
+public laundry. Apparently this is to
+remain a monopoly of the Royal Courts
+of Justice.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The telephone," we are told, "was
+cradled in a dead man's ear." As far
+as we can ascertain the other end of
+ours is still there.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Seventy is suggested by the London
+County Council as the
+age limit at which
+coroners should retire.
+Complete justice cannot
+be done as long as
+there is anything in
+the shape of identity
+of interest between
+the coroner and the
+corpse.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"The natural position
+of the eyeballs in
+sleep," says a correspondent
+of <i>The Daily
+Mail</i>, "is turned upwards."
+The practice
+of leaving them standing
+in a tumbler of
+water all night should
+be particularly avoided
+by light sleepers.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We are asked to
+deny the rumour that
+the <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span> is entitled to draw
+the unemployment donation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/461.png"><img src="images/461-600.png" width="600" height="366" alt="THE POKER-PLAYER'S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT." /></a>
+<h4>THE POKER-PLAYER'S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT.</h4>
+<p class="center"><i>Disguises your elation when you hold a fat hand</i>.</p>
+<p class="center">Only five-and-sixpence post free in plain wrapper.</p>
+<p class="center">Will pay for itself many times over.</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Theatre-Fashions in Malta.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The House was full to its utmost capacity,
+the elegant night dresses and toilettes of the
+ladies presenting a fine aspect."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Malta Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Ye Olde &mdash;&mdash; Hotel. Hot and Cold Sheets."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Produced, we assume, by a water-bottle
+(h. and c.).</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+<h4>"<span class="sc1">The Dry Champaign in Scotland.</span></h4>
+<h4><span class="sc">Polling in Edinburgh</span>."</h4>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Judging by the results, the Scots seem
+still to prefer the local vintage.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was a young high-brow of Sutton</p>
+<p>Who lived on hot air and cold mutton;</p>
+<p class="i6">He knew not of <span class="sc">Grock</span>,</p>
+<p class="i6">But he idolized <span class="sc">Brock</span></p>
+<p>(I don't mean the sculptor, but <span class="sc">Clutton</span>).</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page462" id="page462"></a>[pg 462]</span>
+
+
+<h3>TO THE LION OF LUCERNE.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p><span class="sc">Tino</span>, before you went away</p>
+<p class="i2">To crouch behind a sheltering Alp,</p>
+<p>How strong the limelight used to play</p>
+<p class="i2">About your bald, but kingly, scalp!</p>
+<p>And now, emerging from the shelf</p>
+<p class="i2">(A site where Kings are seldom happy),</p>
+<p>You must be pleased to find yourself</p>
+<p class="i2">Once more resilient on the <i>tapis</i>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Over your past (Out, damnéd spots!)</p>
+<p class="i2">With lavish bucketfuls you paint</p>
+<p>The whitewash on to clean its blots</p>
+<p class="i2">And camouflage the Teuton taint;</p>
+<p>From <span class="sc">William</span> and the family tie</p>
+<p class="i2">Protesting your unbridled freedom,</p>
+<p>"I know you not, old man," you cry,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Fall to your prayers&mdash;you badly need 'em!"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>For Athens, to your great content,</p>
+<p class="i2">Calls you to be her guiding star</p>
+<p>(Only a paltry one per cent</p>
+<p class="i2">Wanted to leave you where you are);</p>
+<p>And you've agreed to take it on,</p>
+<p class="i2">Jumped at the prospect Fate discloses,</p>
+<p>And thought, "With <span class="sc">Venezelos</span> gone,</p>
+<p class="i2">Life will be one long bed of roses."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But mark the oversight you made,</p>
+<p class="i2">Forgetting, while you waxed so fat,</p>
+<p>That England, whom you once betrayed,</p>
+<p class="i2">Might have a word to say to that;</p>
+<p>Might, if for love of your fair eyes</p>
+<p class="i2">Greece should decide again to wobble,</p>
+<p>Conceivably withdraw supplies</p>
+<p class="i2">And cut her off with half an obol.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Roar loud, O Lion of Lucerne!</p>
+<p class="i2">But lo, upon Britannia's shore</p>
+<p>Another Lion takes his turn</p>
+<p class="i2">And gives a rather louder roar;</p>
+<p>Meaning, "It doesn't suit my views</p>
+<p class="i2">To subsidise two sorts of beano,</p>
+<p>And Greece will therefore have to choose</p>
+<p class="i2">Between her tummy and her <span class="sc">Tino</span>."</p>
+ </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i24">O. S.</p>
+</div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ABOUT GOLF.</h3>
+
+<p>Golf is obviously the worst game in the world. I doubt
+indeed whether it is a game at all.</p>
+
+<p>It is played with a ball, about which, though I could say
+much, I will say little. I will not decide whether it should
+have a heart of oak or a heart of gold, whether it should
+go through a 1&middot;6-inch ring or a plate-glass window, whether
+it should sink like the German Navy or float like the British.
+Enough, if not too much, has been said about the
+standard ball.</p>
+
+<p>Golf is also played with a number of striking implements
+more intricate in shape than those used in any other form
+of recreation except dentistry. Let so much be agreed.</p>
+
+<p>Now, quite plainly, the essential idea underlying all games
+played with a ball, whether a club, stick, mallet, bat or cue
+be added or no, is that some interference should take place
+with the enemy's action, some thwarting of his purpose or
+intent. In Rugby football, to take a case, where no mallet is
+used, it is permissible to seize an opponent by the whiskers
+and sling him over your right shoulder, afterwards stamping
+a few times on his head or his stomach. This thwarts
+him badly. The same principle applies, though in a milder
+form, to the game of cricket, where you attempt to beat the
+adversary's bat with your ball, or, if you have the bat, to
+steer the ball between your adversaries, or at least to make
+them jolly well wish that you would.</p>
+
+<p>Even with the baser and less heroic ball games, like
+croquet and billiards, where more than one ball is used at
+a time, action inimical to the interests of the opponent's
+ball is permitted and encouraged. Indeed in the good old
+days of yore, when croquet was not so strictly scientific, a
+shrewd sudden stroke&mdash;the ankle shot, we called it, for,
+after all, the fellow was probably not wearing boots&mdash;well, I
+daresay you remember it; and I have once succeeded in
+paralysing the enemy's cue arm with the red; but this
+needs a lot of luck as well as strength, and is not a stroke
+to be practised by the beginner, especially on public tables.</p>
+
+<p>We come then again to golf, and see at once that, with
+the miserable and cowardly exception of laying the stymie,
+there is no stroke in this game that fulfils the proper conditions
+which should govern athletic contests involving the
+use of spherical objects with or without instruments of
+percussion.</p>
+
+<p>And yet we read column after column about fierce encounters
+and desperate struggles between old antagonists,
+when as a matter of fact there is no struggle, no encounter
+at all. Against no other ball game but golf, unless perhaps
+it be roulette, can this accusation be laid. Ask a man what
+happened last Saturday. "I went out," he says, rather as
+if he was the British Expeditionary Force, "in 41; but
+I came home"&mdash;he smiles triumphantly; you see the
+hospital ship, the cheering crowds&mdash;"in 39." Whether he
+beat the other fellow or not he hardly remembers, because
+there was in fact no particular reason why the other fellow
+should have been there.</p>
+
+<p>Golf matches ought to be arranged, and for my part I
+shall arrange them in future, as follows:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p><i>He.</i>  &nbsp;&nbsp;Can you play on Saturday at Crump?</p>
+
+<p><i>I.</i>  &nbsp;&nbsp;No, I'm not playing this week.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i>  &nbsp;&nbsp;Next week then?</p>
+
+<p><i>I.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Yes, at Blimp.</p>
+
+<p><i>He.</i>  &nbsp;&nbsp;I can't come to Blimp.</p>
+
+<p><i>I.</i> &nbsp;&nbsp;Well, let's play all the same. Your score this week
+at Crump against mine next week at Blimp, and we'll have
+five bob on it.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>I'm not quite sure what his retort is, but you take
+my point. It is manifestly absurd to drag the psychological
+element into this cold-blooded mathematical pursuit.
+After all that England has done and come through in the
+last few years, is a man in baggy knickerbockers, with tufts
+on the ends of his garters, going to be daunted and foiled
+just because a man in slightly baggier knickerbockers and
+with slightly larger tufts on his garters has hit a small
+white pellet a little further than he has? Hardly, I think.</p>
+
+<p>That is why, when I read long letters in the principal
+daily papers about the expense of this so-called game, and
+calculations as to whether it can be played for less than
+twenty-five shillings a time, I am merely amused. In my
+opinion, if the relatives of members of golf-clubs cannot
+afford to support them, these institutions should either be
+closed or the inmates should be provided with some better
+game, like basketball. That is what I feel about golf.</p>
+
+<p>All the same, if Enderby really thinks and believes that,
+because in a nasty cross-wind I happened to be slicing
+badly and didn't know the course and lost a ball at the
+twelfth, and he holed twice out of bunkers and certainly
+baulked me by sniffing on the fifteenth tee, and laid a
+stymie, mark you, of all places at the seventeenth, that I
+can't beat him three times out of five in normal conditions
+and not with that appalling caddy &mdash;&mdash; well,  I suppose
+one must do one's best to relieve a fellow-creature of his
+hallucinations, mustn't one?</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page463" id="page463"></a>[pg 463]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/463.png"><img src="images/463-375.png" width="375" height="450" alt="THE BOBLET." /></a>
+<h4>THE BOBLET.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Britannia</span> (<i>counting her change</i>). "WHAT'S THIS?"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Our Mr. Chamberlain</span>. "THAT, MADAM, IS THE NEW SHILLING. IT HAS MORE ALLOY
+THAN THE OLD, BUT THE SAME PURCHASING POWER."</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Britannia</span>. "PURCHASING WEAKNESS, YOU MEAN."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page464" id="page464"></a>[pg 464]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/464.png"><img src="images/464-600.png" width="600" height="431" alt="Astonishing how quickly people have forgotten the War." /></a>
+<p><i>Host</i> (<i>by way of keeping his guest's mind off the state of the course</i>).
+"<span class="sc">Astonishing how quickly people have forgotten the War</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Guest</i>. "<span class="sc">What&mdash;with this mud, and you at the slope</span>?"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR HEAVY-WAITS.</h3>
+
+<p>Our Boxing Correspondent sends us
+the following gloomy forecast. We have
+pointed out to him that Mr. <span class="sc">Cochran</span>
+has recently made a definite contract
+for a meeting between <span class="sc">Dempsey</span> and
+<span class="sc">Carpentier</span>. Our Correspondent replies
+that this does not affect his attitude,
+and urges us to publish his predictions
+of further delay. We do so under
+protest.</p>
+
+<p><i>Paris, December 22nd, 1920.</i>&mdash;M. <span class="sc">Deschamps</span>
+(<span class="sc">Carpentier's</span> Manager) denies
+all knowledge of any agreement with
+Mr. <span class="sc">Cochran</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>New York, December 24th, 1920.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+C. B. <span class="sc">Cochran</span> says that <span class="sc">Deschamps</span>
+must be dotty. He (C. B.) is returning
+by the <i>Mauretania</i> to-morrow.</p>
+
+<p><i>London, April 17th, 1923.</i>&mdash;As Mr.
+<span class="sc">Cochran</span> and M. <span class="sc">Deschamps</span> have not
+yet come to an agreement the fight for
+the World's Heavy-Weight Championship
+is indefinitely postponed. <span class="sc">Joe
+Beckett</span> meets Bombardier <span class="sc">Wells</span>
+to-night at the Circle.</p>
+
+<p><i>London, April 18th, 1923.</i>&mdash;Since the
+days of <span class="sc">Jim Corbett</span> no more polished
+exponent of the fistic art has graced
+the ring than our Bombardier Billy.
+Thunders of applause greeted his appearance
+in the "mystic square" last
+night. He flashed round his ponderous
+opponent, mesmerising him with the
+purity of his style, the accuracy of his
+hitting, the brilliance of his foot-work.
+He held the vast audience spell-bound.
+<span class="sc">Beckett</span> won on a knock-out in the
+second round.</p>
+
+<p><i>London, August 11th, 1924.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">Lovat Fraser</span> in a powerful article
+(written <i>entirely</i> in italics) in <i>The Daily
+Mail</i>  points out the fearful tension the
+peace of Europe is undergoing through
+the continued differences between
+Messrs. <span class="sc">Cochran</span> and <span class="sc">Deschamps</span>, and
+demands to know what the <span class="sc">Premier</span>
+is doing about it.</p>
+
+<p><i>London, August 24th, 1924.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, acting under Mr. <span class="sc">Lovat
+Fraser's</span> orders, has gone to Lympne
+(kindly lent by Sir <span class="sc">Philip Sassoon</span>),
+where he will be joined by Mr. <span class="sc">Cochran</span>,
+M. <span class="sc">Deschamps</span> and M. <span class="sc">Millerand</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>London, September 30th, 1924.</i>&mdash;The
+whole civilised world will rejoice to
+hear that the differences between Mr.
+C. B. <span class="sc">Cochran</span> and M. <span class="sc">Deschamps</span>
+have at last been amicably settled. The
+great fight for the world's heavy-weight
+championship is fixed to take place at
+Olympia on November 17th. <span class="sc">Dempsey</span>
+is to receive £100,000, <span class="sc">Carpentier</span>
+£75,000.</p>
+
+<p><i>London, October 4th, 1924.</i>&mdash;It appears
+that Olympia was already booked for
+November for <i>The Daily Mail's</i> Ideal
+Pyjama Exhibition, and Mr. C. B. <span class="sc">Cochran</span>
+has to-day issued a <i>communiqué</i>  to
+the Press Association to the effect that
+the contest will be held definitely in Sark
+(Channel Islands) on December 23rd.
+He has hired the entire Cunard and
+White Star Fleets for the day, and those
+who cannot find standing room on the
+island will be provided with seats and
+telescopes in the ships' riggings. All
+will be welcome at fifty guineas a head.</p>
+
+<p><i>New York, October 6th, 1924.</i>&mdash;<span class="sc">Dempsey</span>
+denies that he is meeting <span class="sc">Carpentier</span>
+on December 23rd. He laughs at
+the idea of fighting for £100,000.</p>
+
+<p>"Heaven knows I am not mercenary,"
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page465" id="page465"></a>[pg 465]</span>
+he says, "but there's such a thing as
+a living wage."</p>
+
+<p><i>London, October 7th, 1924.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+C. B. <span class="sc">Cochran</span>, in an interview granted
+to our reporter yesterday, says that he
+has done with fight-promoting for ever
+and will in future concentrate on performing
+seals.</p>
+
+<p><i>London, October 10th, 1924.</i>&mdash;A sensation
+was caused at the Circle last night
+when an old man jumped unannounced
+into the ring and offered to fight anyone
+living to a finish for five pounds and a
+pint of beer for the sheer fun of the
+thing. The disturber, who was obviously
+out of his senses, was quickly removed.
+His identity has not so far been established,
+but he is thought to be a fighter of
+the old school escaped from confinement.</p>
+
+<p>No authoritative announcement has
+been made as to who will assume
+Mr. <span class="sc">Cochran's</span> extensive boxing engagements,
+but rumour is busy with
+the name of Mr. <span class="sc">Mallaby-Deeley</span>.</p>
+
+<p><i>New York, January 31st, 1925.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+W. <span class="sc">Brady</span>, the veteran fight-promoter,
+has signed up J. <span class="sc">Dempsey</span> and
+<span class="sc">Georges Carpentier</span> to meet at Havana,
+Cuba, on Easter Monday, 1925.
+<span class="sc">Dempsey</span> will draw £200,000, <span class="sc">Carpentier</span>
+£150,000.</p>
+
+<p><i>New York, February 8th, 1925.</i>&mdash;Following
+Mr. W. <span class="sc">Brady's</span> announcement,
+Mr. <span class="sc">Tex Rickards</span> (promoter of the
+<span class="sc">Jeffries-Johnson</span> contest) has now
+come forward, stating that <span class="sc">Dempsey</span>
+and <span class="sc">Carpentier</span> have signed a contract
+with him to fight at Nome, Alaska, on
+Shrove Tuesday, for a quarter-of-a-million
+each.</p>
+
+<p><i>New York, February 19th, 1925.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+C. B. <span class="sc">Cochran</span>, who arrived on the
+<i>Aquitania</i> this morning, says that the
+two champions have contracted to
+meet under his management at Tristan
+d'Acunha on Good Friday for half-a-million
+each and a percentage on the
+popcorn and peanut sales.</p>
+
+<p><i>New York, March 3rd, 1925.</i>&mdash;With
+the view of lifting the national depression
+consequent on the hitch in the
+world's championship arrangements,
+Mr. <span class="sc">Henry Ford</span>, whose successes as
+a mediator are celebrated, is labouring
+to bring about a conciliatory meeting
+between the rival promoters.</p>
+
+<p><i>New York, July 12th, 1925.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">Henry Ford's</span> efforts, fortified by the
+prayers of the Rev. <span class="sc">William Sunday</span>,
+have at length borne fruit. Messrs.
+<span class="sc">Brady</span>, <span class="sc">Cochran</span> and <span class="sc">Rickards</span> have
+consented to talk matters over. The
+White House has been placed entirely
+at the disposal of the promoters, their
+families, secretaries, legal advisers, etc.</p>
+
+<p><i>Washington, D.C., July 20th, 1925.</i>&mdash;Mr.
+<span class="sc">Henry Ford's</span> "Peace Party" has
+not proved an unqualified success.
+Battle royal broke out among the delegates
+at noon yesterday. Messrs. <span class="sc">Brady</span>,
+<span class="sc">Cochran</span> and <span class="sc">Rickards</span> have been taken
+to hospital, but are not expected to recover.
+The White House is in ruins.</p>
+
+
+<h4><span class="sc">The Great Fight.</span></h4>
+
+<p><i>Geneva, July 4th, 1960.</i>&mdash;The fight for
+the Heavyweight Championship of the
+World, held under the auspices of the
+League of Nations, took place yesterday
+before a gigantic crowd. <span class="sc">Dempsey</span>, who
+now wears a flowing white beard, was
+wheeled into the ring in a bath-chair.
+<span class="sc">Carpentier</span>, now wholly bald, appeared
+on crutches and was seconded by two
+trained nurses and his youngest grandson.
+Both champions were assisted to
+their feet by their supporters, shook
+hands and immediately clinched. In this
+clinch they remained throughout the
+entire round, fast asleep. At the opening
+of the second round they attempted
+to clinch again, but missed each other,
+overbalanced and went to the mat.
+Neither could be persuaded to get up,
+and consequently both were counted
+out.</p>
+
+<p>It is therefore impossible to say who
+won or who lost, and the Heavyweight
+Championship of the World remains
+as open a question as ever.</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Patlander.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<a href="images/465.png"><img src="images/465-311.png" width="311" height="450" alt="... as soon as the bell goes rush at 'im an' keep flittin' in an' out like bits o' forked lightnin'." /></a>
+<p><i>Second</i> (<i>to stout entrant in a Novice Competition</i>). "<span class="sc">Now, don't forget&mdash;as soon as
+the bell goes rush at 'im an' keep flittin' in an' out like bits o' forked
+lightnin'.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page466" id="page466"></a>[pg 466]</span>
+
+
+<h3>EVE VICTORIOUS.</h3>
+
+<p>"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?"
+said Christopher.</p>
+
+<p>"Christopher," I answered, "girls
+are the very dickens. You can't trust
+'em. Never have anything to do with
+girls, my boy."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm not going to," said Christopher.</p>
+
+<p>This is what we said to each other
+afterwards. If either of us had thought
+of it before&mdash;&mdash; &nbsp;But that's the usual
+way, of course.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Christopher and I were sitting by the
+fire. We were very peaceful and happy
+together, pretending to look at a book
+but really doing nothing at all.</p>
+
+<p>Then Dorothy came into the room.
+Dorothy is Christopher's cousin and six
+years old. Not that her age matters&mdash;six,
+sixteen or sixty, they are all the
+same.</p>
+
+<p>"What are you doing?" inquired
+Dorothy.</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing," murmured Christopher
+contentedly.</p>
+
+<p>"I wanted you to come and play with
+me."</p>
+
+<p>Christopher shuffled uneasily and I
+came to the rescue.</p>
+
+<p>"Not now, Dorothy," I said; "we
+are too comfortable. Come and have a
+look at this book with us."</p>
+
+<p>Dorothy looked at me as though she
+had just realised my presence.</p>
+
+<p>"I want Christopher to come and
+play with me," she repeated.</p>
+
+<p>Christopher has a fine old-fashioned
+idea of a host's duty to his guests. He
+stifled a yawn and slid from my knee.</p>
+
+<p>"All right, Dorothy," he said. "What
+shall we play?"</p>
+
+<p>Dorothy skipped like a young lamb.
+"Hide and Seek," she sang. "I'll go
+and hide. Don't look till I call."</p>
+
+<p>She danced gaily and triumphantly
+out of the room.</p>
+
+<p>Now I don't mind being snubbed and
+I certainly shouldn't trouble about a
+spot of a child who ought to have been
+kept in the nursery. Of course it's
+ridiculous even to begin explaining, isn't
+it? The thing's obvious. No, I felt
+that Dorothy should be taught a lesson;
+that is all. I thought it would be good
+for her.</p>
+
+<p>"That settles Dorothy," I said deliberately.
+"Now we can go on reading."</p>
+
+<p>"But she wants me to go and look
+for her," explained Christopher.</p>
+
+<p>"Then let her want," I said shortly.
+"We can't always be&mdash;&mdash; &nbsp;Christopher,
+we'll have a game with Dorothy. We'll
+stop where we are and let her look for
+herself."</p>
+
+<p>Christopher chuckled. "She'll be
+awfully angry," he said uncertainly.</p>
+
+<p>"Good!" said I.</p>
+
+<p>"Cooee!" came a voice from the
+far-away. We laughed guiltily to ourselves
+and settled down in the chair. The
+scheme proceeded according to plan.</p>
+
+<p>After sundry shrieks and screeches and
+whistles Dorothy grew impatient and
+adopted bolder tactics.</p>
+
+<p>"You can't find me," she called hopefully.</p>
+
+<p>I felt that it was time for a little encouragement.</p>
+
+<p>"I wonder where she can be?" I said
+loudly.</p>
+
+<p>There was a long silence. At last
+Dorothy grew desperate. "Look under
+the armchair in the hall," she called.</p>
+
+<p>Christopher and I smiled to ourselves.
+Then suddenly we heard her creeping
+towards the door. I blame Christopher
+for what followed.</p>
+
+<p>"She's coming," he whispered excitedly.
+"Let's hide."</p>
+
+<p>There was no time to think. We
+slipped rapidly under the table. A ridiculous
+thing to do, of course; so undignified.
+I kick myself when I think of
+it, but at the time&mdash;&mdash; &nbsp;Well, it was
+Christopher's fault for getting excited.
+So there we were squashed under the
+table when the door opened and Dorothy
+appeared.</p>
+
+<p>"I don't believe&mdash;&mdash;" &nbsp;she began, and
+then stopped. "Why, they're not here,"
+she gasped. And then Christopher spoilt
+everything by spluttering. I strangled
+him at once and we hoped that
+Dorothy hadn't heard. We saw her
+legs standing very still by the door.
+Then they moved quickly round the
+table to the fireplace. Christopher and
+I held our breaths and waited. We saw
+that Dorothy was pulling our chair
+round to face the fire. Then she sat
+herself in it and all we could see was
+the back of the chair.</p>
+
+<p>There was a great silence. Christopher
+and I looked at each other and
+decided that something must be done.</p>
+
+<p>I cleared my throat quietly. "Cooee!"
+I fluted.</p>
+
+<p>Dorothy began to sing a hymn in a
+loud voice.</p>
+
+<p>And then Cecilia came into the room.</p>
+
+<p>Now Cecilia is Christopher's mother
+and my sister. You will understand that
+neither Christopher nor I would care
+to appear ridiculous in front of her. So
+we kept quiet.</p>
+
+<p>"Hallo, Dorothy," said Cecilia; "all
+by yourself? Where's Christopher?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'm reading Christopher's book,"
+said Dorothy, ignoring the question.
+"May I?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, dear," said Cecilia, sitting
+down. There was a lot more silence.
+It grew very hot and uncomfortable
+under the table.</p>
+
+<p>"What shall we do, Uncle?" whispered
+Christopher.</p>
+
+<p>"Come on," I said desperately. We
+crawled out and stood up.</p>
+
+<p>"What on earth&mdash;&mdash;" &nbsp;began Cecilia.</p>
+
+<p>I managed a watery smile. "<i>Here</i>
+we are," I said to Dorothy.</p>
+
+<p>Dorothy looked at us in surprise.</p>
+
+<p>"You <i>are</i>  untidy," she said. "Whatever
+have you been doing?"</p>
+
+<p>Christopher swallowed indignantly.
+"We were playing 'Hide and Seek' with
+you," he said.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I stopped playing a long time
+ago," said Dorothy. "I'm reading
+now." She turned to our book again.
+Cecilia began to laugh.</p>
+
+<p>"Come and have a wash, Christopher,"
+I said in a strangled voice, and
+we moved off sheepishly.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?"
+said Christopher.</p>
+
+<p>"Christopher," I answered, "girls are
+the very&mdash;&mdash;" &nbsp;Well, I told you at the
+beginning what we said to each other.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>HIGH EXPLOSIVE ART.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p>
+[<i>The Morning Post</i> has been conducting a
+vigorous campaign against singers who dispense
+with careful and prolonged training,
+and by their spasmodic and declamatory style
+suggest the title of "gaspers."]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, all young folk of tuneful aims</p>
+<p class="i2">And fancy names like Joan and Jasper,</p>
+<p>I hope you'll read (and duly heed)</p>
+<p class="i2"><i>The Morning Post</i> upon the "gasper."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>'Tis not the "fag" that is turned down,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though that often proves a rasper</p>
+<p>Upon the larynx; here the noun</p>
+<p class="i2">Denotes the human, singing gasper.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Rome was not builded in a day,</p>
+<p class="i2">Nor even row-boats (<i>teste</i> <span class="sc">Clasper</span>);</p>
+<p>No more are voices which will stay,</p>
+<p class="i2">Unlike the organ of the gasper.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Attorneys need, before they start,</p>
+<p class="i2">Five years of training, but the grasper</p>
+<p>Who grudges one to vocal art</p>
+<p class="i2">Will end, as he began, a gasper.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Wherefore, ye men and maids who chant,</p>
+<p class="i2">Refrain at all costs from exasper-</p>
+<p>ating <i>The Morning Post</i>, which can't</p>
+<p class="i2">Abide the methods of the gasper.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Another Impending Apology.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"St. &mdash;&mdash; Hall was filled last night with
+people,  with  Scottish  song&mdash;and with fog.
+Perhaps nothing but the &mdash;&mdash; Orpheus Choir
+could have done that."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Scottish Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+<h4>"<span class="sc1">The Japanese Budget</span>.</h4>
+
+<h5>Tokio, Tuesday.</h5>
+
+<p>The Cabinet has approved of the Budget,
+which totals 1,562 million yen (about 2s.)."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Jersey Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>, please copy.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page467" id="page467"></a>[pg 467]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/467.png"><img src="images/467-600.png" width="600" height="779" alt="" /></a>
+<h4>THE POWER OF SENTIMENT.</h4>
+
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page468" id="page468"></a>[pg 468]</span>
+
+
+<h3>LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Bond Street</span>.</h4>
+
+<p>I find it very difficult to walk slowly
+down Bond Street as one ought to do;
+I always feel so guilty. Most of the
+people there look scornfully at me as
+if I belonged to Whitechapel, and the
+rest look suspiciously at me as if I
+belonged to Bond Street. My clothes
+are neither good enough nor bad
+enough. So I hurry through with the
+tense expression of a man who is merely
+using Bond Street as a thoroughfare,
+because it is the way to his dentist&mdash;as
+indeed in my case it is. But recently
+I <i>did</i> saunter in the proper way, and I
+took a most thrilling inventory of the
+principal classes of shops, the results of
+which have now been tabulated by my
+statistical department.</p>
+
+<p>For instance, do you know
+how many shops in the street
+sell things for ladies to wear
+(not including boots, jewellery
+or shoes)? No? Well, there
+are thirty-three. Not many,
+is it? But then there are
+twenty-one jewellers (including
+pearl shops) and eight boot
+and/or shoe shops; so that, with
+two sort of linen places, which
+may fairly be reckoned as
+female, the ladies' total is sixty-four.
+I only counted a hundred-and-fifty
+shops altogether.
+Of that total, nine are places
+where men can buy things to
+wear, and ten are places where
+they can buy things to smoke;
+I have charitably debited all
+the cigarette-shops to the men,
+even the ones where the cigarettes
+are tipped with rose-leaves
+and violet-petals. But
+even if I do that and give the
+men the two places where you can buy
+guns and throw in the one garden-seat
+shop, we are left with the
+result:&mdash;</p>
+
+<table align="center" summary="list" border="0">
+
+<tr>
+       <td class="left" colspan="2"><span class="sc1" style="font-size: 1.2em">Feminine Shops.</span></td>
+
+       <td class="left" colspan="2"><span class="sc1" style="font-size: 1.2em">Masculine Shops.</span></td>
+
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">Dress</td>
+       <td class="right">33</td>
+       <td class="left">Dress </td>
+       <td class="right">9</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">Jewellers</td>
+       <td class="right">21</td>
+       <td class="left">Tobacco</td>
+       <td class="right">10</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">Boots and Shoes</td>
+       <td class="right">8</td>
+       <td class="left">Motors</td>
+       <td class="right">9</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">Sort of Linen Places</td>
+       <td class="right">2</td>
+       <td class="left">Guns</td>
+       <td class="right">2</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">Dog Bureau</td>
+       <td class="right">1</td>
+       <td class="left">Garden Seats</td>
+       <td class="right">1</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">&mdash;</td>
+       <td class="left">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">&mdash;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">65</td>
+       <td class="left">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="right">31</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<p>From these figures a firm of Manchester
+actuaries has drawn the startling
+conclusion that Bond Street is
+more used by women than by men. It
+may be so. But a more interesting
+question is, how do all these duplicates
+manage to carry on, considering the
+very reasonable prices they charge?
+At one point there are three jewellers
+in a row, with another one opposite.
+Not far off there are three cigarette-shops
+together, madly defying each
+other with gold-tips and silver-tips,
+cork-tips and velvet-tips, rose-tips and
+lily-tips. There is only one book-shop,
+of course, but there are about nine picture-places.
+How do they all exist? It is mysterious.</p>
+
+<p>Especially when you consider how
+much trouble they take to avoid attracting
+attention. There are still one or
+two window-dressers who lower the
+whole tone of the street by adhering
+to the gaudy-overcrowded style; but
+the majority, in a violent reaction from
+that, seem to have rushed to the wildest
+extremes of the simple-unobtrusive.
+They are delightful, I think, those reverent
+little windows with the chaste
+curtains and floors of polished walnut,
+in the middle of which reposes delicately
+a single toque, a single chocolate
+or a single pearl. Some of the picture-places
+are among the most modest.
+There is one window which suggests
+nothing but the obscure branch of a
+highly-decayed bank in the dimmest
+cathedral town. On the dingy screen
+which entirely fills the window is written
+simply in letters which time has almost
+erased, "&mdash;&mdash; &mdash;&mdash; <span class="sc">Pictures</span>." Nothing
+could be less enticing. Yet inside,
+I daresay, fortunes are made daily.
+I noticed no trace of this method at
+the Advertisers' Exhibition; they might
+give it a trial.</p>
+
+<p>Now no doubt you fondly think that
+Bond Street is wholly devoted to
+luxuries; perhaps you have abandoned
+your dream of actually buying something
+in Bond Street? You are wrong.
+To begin with, there are about ten
+places where you can buy food, and,
+though there is no pub. now, there is a
+café (with a licence). There are two
+grocers and a poulterer. There is even
+a fish-shop&mdash;you didn't know that, did
+you? I am bound to say it seemed to
+have only the very largest fish, but they
+were obviously fish.</p>
+
+<p>Anyone can go shopping in Bond
+Street. I knew a clergyman once who
+went in and asked for a back-stud. He
+was afterwards unfrocked for riotous
+living, but the stud was produced. You
+can buy a cauliflower in Bond Street&mdash;if
+you know the ropes. There is a shop
+which merely looks like a very beautiful
+florist's. There are potatoes in the
+window, it is true, but they are "hot-house"
+ones; inside there is no trace
+of a common vegetable. But if you
+ask facetiously for a cauliflower (as I
+did) the young lady will disappear below
+ground and actually return with a real
+cauliflower (<i>de luxe</i>,  of course).
+I remember few more embarrassing
+episodes.</p>
+
+<p>And if you like to inquire at
+the magnificent provision-merchant's
+he too will conjure up
+from the magic cellars boot-cream
+and metal-polish and all
+those vulgar groceries which
+make life possible. That is the
+secret of Bond Street. Beneath
+that glittering display of luxurious
+trivialities there are
+vast reserves of solid prosaic
+necessaries, only waiting to be
+asked for. A man could live
+exclusively on Bond Street. I
+don't know where you would
+buy your butchers' meat, but I
+have a proud fancy that, if you
+went in and said something to
+one of those sleek and sorrowful
+jewellers, he too would vanish
+underground and blandly return
+to you with a jewelled
+steak or a plush chop.</p>
+
+<p>Many years ago, they tell me, there
+<i>was</i>  a butcher in Bond Street. Perhaps
+you dealt there. For my part I
+was not eating much meat in those
+days. But I can imagine his window&mdash;a
+perfect little grotto of jasper and
+onyx, with stalactites of pure gold, and
+in the middle, resting on a genuine
+block of Arctic ice, an exquisite beef-sausage.
+I wish he would come back.</p>
+
+<p>It is difficult to realise that there is
+anything but shop-windows in Bond
+Street, but I like to think that, up there
+in those upper storeys which one never
+sees, there does dwell a self-contained
+little community to whom Bond Street
+is merely the village street, down which
+the housewives pass gossiping each
+morning to the greengrocer's or the
+fishmonger's and never purchase any
+pearls at all.</p>
+
+<p>When the butcher comes back I think
+I shall join them.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/468.png"><img src="images/468-500.png" width="500" height="437" alt="Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did." /></a>
+<p><i>Father</i>. "<span class="sc">Look here, Billy, Mr. Smith called at the
+office this morning about your fight with his boy yesterday</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Son</i>. "<span class="sc">Did he? I hope you got on as well as I did</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page469" id="page469"></a>[pg 469]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/469.png"><img src="images/469-600.png" width="600" height="451" alt="I hate this kind; they make my sweets so hairy" /></a>
+<p><i>Joan</i> (<i>whose mother has just bought her a pair of woollen
+gloves</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, Mummy, I wish you had got kid. I hate this kind;
+they make my sweets so hairy</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE SAD CASE OF EL GRECO.</h3>
+
+<p>It was at the National Gallery, situated
+on the north side of Trafalgar
+Square, that I first made the acquaintance
+of one <span class="sc">Domenico Theotocopuli</span>,
+a native of Crete, who&mdash;probably because
+his own people wanted him to
+be a stockbroker or something&mdash;set up
+as a painter in Spain, and was dubbed
+by the Dons "El Greco," as you might
+say "Scottie."</p>
+
+<p>For years I have been rather tickled
+by his manner of depicting Popes and
+Saints as if they were reflected in elongating
+mirrors labelled, "Before Dining
+at the Toreador Restaurant." But until
+quite lately I hardly ever met anyone
+who had even noticed him, so I felt
+quite bucked on the old chap's account
+when I heard that he was considered
+one of the most distinguished of the
+Spanish painters, past and present, who
+are on view just now at Burlington
+House.</p>
+
+<p>And what surprises me is not that
+old <span class="sc">Theotocopuli</span> should attract so
+much attention in Piccadilly, but that
+such lots of people seem never to have
+known that he has been exhibiting himself
+all this time in Trafalgar Square.</p>
+
+<p>I'm sure Mrs. Bletherwood didn't,
+for one, when she tackled me at the
+Chattertons' the other afternoon.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course you've been to Burlington
+House?" she began, and she was
+in such a hurry to get first innings that
+she didn't give me time to say that I
+hadn't yet, but that I meant to go on
+my first free day that wasn't foggy.</p>
+
+<p>"Don't you <i>love</i> those quaint 'El
+Grecos'?" she went on. "He's quite
+a discovery, don't you think? My
+daughter Muriel, who hopes to get into
+the Slade School soon now, says she
+doesn't see how anybody <i>can</i> see people
+differently from the way 'El Greco' saw
+people. And yet I don't know that I
+<i>quite</i> like the idea of Muriel seeing <i>me</i>
+like that, although she's <i>so</i> clever...."</p>
+
+<p>I could not help thinking that in
+Mrs. Bletherwood's case the "El Greco"
+treatment would be an admirable corrective
+to a certain lateral expansion.</p>
+
+<p>"Besides," she continued in a confidential
+tone, "I've heard or read somewhere
+that there's just a doubt whether
+he distorted people on purpose or because
+there was something wrong with
+his eyes. If I thought it was astigmatism
+I would insist on taking Muriel to
+an oculist. I wonder what you think."</p>
+
+<p>I raised my teacup suggestively.</p>
+
+<p>Mrs. Bletherwood gasped. "You
+don't mean that he&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Like a fish," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, how too disgraceful!" she exclaimed.
+"Fancy their having his pictures
+there at all. Such religious subjects
+too. I shall warn Muriel at once.
+I'm so thankful you told me...."</p>
+
+<p>Have I done a wrong to Señor
+<span class="sc">Domenico Theotocopuli</span> ("El Greco")?
+Perhaps; but I hope it has prevented
+Miss Muriel Bletherwood from doing
+him a greater.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+<table align="center" summary="sunset" border="0"><tr>
+<td class="left">
+"Sun Sets This Morning</td><td class="left">8.8</td>
+</tr><tr>
+<td class="left">&nbsp;Sun Sets To-night</td><td class="left">3.56"</td>
+</tr></table><br />
+
+<p class="author"><i>Liverpool Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Just as in London last Wednesday.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page470" id="page470"></a>[pg 470]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/470.png"><img src="images/470-600.png" width="600" height="409" alt="Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays." /></a>
+<p><i>Vicar's Wife</i>. "<span class="sc">The Vicar was asking only this morning why you
+weren't in the habit of attending church</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Latest Inhabitant</i>. "<span class="sc">Well, you see, it does so cut into one's Sundays</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>CURES FOR INSOMNIA.</h3>
+
+<p>The following correspondence, clearly
+intended for the Editor of <i>The Daily
+Ailment</i>,  has found its way into our
+letter-box. Another example of post-office
+inefficiency.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Sir</span>,&mdash;As a regular reader of your
+valuable journal I am always deeply
+interested in the views of your readers
+as expressed in its columns. The recent
+letters on the cure of insomnia have
+interested me particularly. Although
+I have read your paper for many years,
+always eaten standard bread, study
+most diligently each morning my lesson
+on Government wobble and waste, grow
+sweet peas, keep fowls, take my holidays
+early (in Thanet) and read the
+feuilleton, in short perform all the duties
+of an enthusiastic loyal Englishman, I
+cannot sleep. Yesterday I decided to
+try the remedies suggested by your
+readers.</p>
+
+<p>After inviting sleep with "a dish of
+boiled onions" I found that I must go
+to bed "without having eaten anything
+for five hours or so." This meant sitting
+up very late, but I found the time
+useful for taking "deep long breaths."
+Meanwhile I ran through the names
+of my friends alphabetically and emptied
+the feathers from my pillow, replacing
+them with hops. Sometimes
+a hop got mixed up in a "deep long
+breath," which was rather pleasant.</p>
+
+<p>Every few minutes I left my friends'
+names to say to myself, "I am terribly
+sleepy," or "I am falling asleep;" this
+was wrong, as the boiled onions had
+not had nearly five hours. "Relaxing
+all my muscles" was rather awkward,
+as one hand was filling the pillow with
+hops and the other was "holding a wet
+sponge," which <i>would</i> drip water on
+the sheets. Another difficulty was
+"wafting myself in an imaginary aeroplane"
+to bring about "a state of oblivion
+and coma," which I might perhaps
+have done more easily by putting
+the hops to another use.</p>
+
+<p>I had to cut out the "recital of the
+Litany," partly because my friends'
+names had only got as far as George
+(Lloyd), and also because, being a Nonconformist,
+I don't know it. (I must
+learn it now the feuilleton is finishing.)</p>
+
+<p>But the most annoying part of the
+business was to find that, after all this
+elaborate preparation for sleep, I was
+to "take a brisk walk for half-an-hour"
+(whatever the weather conditions).
+Even this did not work, for by that
+time the milkmen and newsboys were
+heralding the dawn and kept my brain
+too alert.</p>
+
+<p>As a final effort, do you think you
+could produce a nightcap model of the
+Sandringham, or is it quite impossible
+for one who reads your paper to be
+anything but wideawake?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE PERFECT PARTNER.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There are, my Mabel, men who vow</p>
+<p class="i2">The perfect wife is theirs</p>
+<p>Because she smoothes the ruffled brow</p>
+<p class="i2">And drives away their cares;</p>
+<p>While there are others hold the view</p>
+<p class="i2">That she is best who'll pay</p>
+<p>Some trivial attention to</p>
+<p class="i2">Her promise to obey.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Well, let each babble in his turn</p>
+<p class="i2">About that spouse of his;</p>
+<p>Not knowing you, how could they learn</p>
+<p class="i2">What true perfection is?</p>
+<p>Of all your sex you stand most high</p>
+<p class="i2">By far and very far</p>
+<p>Who mid your Christmas gifts can buy</p>
+<p class="i2">A smokeable cigar.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page471" id="page471"></a>[pg 471]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 550px;">
+<a href="images/471.png"><img src="images/471-383.png" width="383" height="450" alt="THE ECONOMISTS." /></a>
+<h4>THE ECONOMISTS.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>.&mdash;<i>The Coalition Golf Club de luxe</i>.</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Bonar Law</span>. "DARE WE HAVE CADDIES?"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Mr. Lloyd George</span>. "NO, NO. WE ARE OBSERVED. THE PLACE IS ALIVE WITH
+ELECTORS."</p><br />
+<p class="center">["Watch your M.P.!"&mdash;<i>Poster of Anti-Waste Press</i>.]</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page473" id="page473"></a>[pg 473]</span>
+
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<a href="images/473.png"><img src="images/473-600.png" width="600" height="416" alt="THURSDAY." /></a>
+<h4>THURSDAY.</h4>
+<p class="center">[After the Painting by W. <span class="sc">Dendy Sadler</span>.]</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Sir D. Maclean, Mr. Hogge, Mr. G. Lambert, Mr. G. R. Thorne, Mr. Asquith,
+Mr. Acland, General Seely</span>.</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<p><i>Monday, December 6th.</i>&mdash;"Logic has
+never governed Ireland and never will,"
+said Lord <span class="sc">Midleton</span> to-day. It was
+certainly conspicuous by its absence
+from a good many of the speeches made
+in Committee on the Government of
+Ireland Bill. Representatives of Southern
+Ireland have been clamouring for
+greater financial control, but they quite
+changed their tone when Clause 24, enabling
+the Irish Parliaments to impose
+a surtax upon residents in Ireland, came
+up for discussion. While professing the
+greatest confidence in the desire of their
+fellow-countrymen to treat them fairly,
+Lords <span class="sc">Drogheda</span>, <span class="sc">Sligo</span> and <span class="sc">Wicklow</span>
+agreed in thinking that this was too
+dangerous a power to entrust to them;
+it would breed absenteeism and drive
+capital out of the country.</p>
+
+<p>Lord <span class="sc">Finlay</span>, to whom as a Scotsman
+logic still makes appeal, was for the
+deletion of the whole clause. But the
+Irish Peers again objected; for they
+desired to preserve for the Irish Parliaments
+power to remit Imperial taxes,
+on the off-chance that some day it
+might be exercised. And they carried
+their point.</p>
+
+<p>According to Lieut.-Colonel <span class="sc">Croft</span>
+the pencils used by the British Post-Office
+are procured from the United
+States. As one who has suffered I can
+only hope that Anglo-American friendship,
+already somewhat strained by the
+bacon episode, will survive this revelation.</p>
+
+<p>On the strength of a rumour that the
+seed of Irish peace had been planted in
+Downing Street, Mr. <span class="sc">Hogge</span> promptly
+essayed to root it up in order to observe
+its progress towards fruition. The <span class="sc">Prime
+Minister</span>, however, gave no encouragement
+to his well-intentioned efforts.
+Nor did he satisfy Lieut.-Commander
+<span class="sc">Kenworthy's</span> curiosity as to whether
+Father <span class="sc">O'Flanagan</span> was "a Sinn Feiner
+on the bridge," beyond saying "that is
+what we want to find out."</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, December 7th.</i>&mdash;After a
+week's interval for reflection and study
+Lord <span class="sc">Lincolnshire</span> moved the rejection
+of the Agriculture Bill. Adapting an
+old joke of Lord <span class="sc">Spencer's</span>, made in
+"another place" a generation ago, he
+observed that this was no more an
+agricultural Bill than he himself was
+an agricultural labourer. He knows
+however how to call a spade a spade,
+if not something more picturesque, and
+he treated the measure and its authors
+to all the resources of a varied vocabulary.
+Possibly his brother peers, while
+enjoying his invective, thought that
+it had been a little bit overdone, for
+of the subsequent speakers only Lord
+<span class="sc">Hindlip</span> announced his intention of
+voting against the Bill, the others being
+of opinion that parts of it were, not excellent
+perhaps, but at least tolerable.</p>
+
+<p>In the Commons Viscount <span class="sc">Curzon</span>
+pressed upon the Government the desirability
+of licensing side-car combinations
+as taxi-cabs. The idea might, one
+feels, appeal to a Coalition Government
+but Sir <span class="sc">John Baird</span> for the Home
+Office hinted at the existence of "serious
+objections."</p>
+
+<p>Collectively the House has an infantile
+mind. It went into kinks of laughter
+over a question put by Dr. <span class="sc">Murray</span>
+regarding the "daily mail service"
+between one of his beloved islands and
+the Scottish mainland. The author of
+the joke&mdash;and small blame to him&mdash;quite
+failed to appreciate how funny he
+had been until his neighbours muttered
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page474" id="page474"></a>[pg 474]</span>
+in stage-whispers, "<i>Daily Mail!</i>"
+"<i>Daily Mail!</i>" Then a wan smile broke
+over his own features.</p>
+
+<p>It has been stated in certain newspapers
+that Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> has refused
+the Viceroyalty of India in consequence
+of the weak state of his health,
+and that for the same cause he is likely
+to vacate shortly the Chancellorship of
+the Exchequer. All I can say is that
+on the Treasury Bench he betrays no
+outward sign of this regrettable debility
+when dealing with critics of the Treasury.
+It is not easy to puncture the <i>æs
+triplex</i> of Mr. <span class="sc">Bottomley</span>, but two
+words from Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span> did it
+this afternoon.</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Robert Horne</span> got a second reading
+for the Dyes Bill, a
+measure which he commended
+as being necessary
+to protect what is
+a key-industry both in
+peace and war. Dye-stuffs
+and poison-gas
+are, it seems, inextricably
+intermingled, and
+unless the Bill is passed
+we shall be able neither
+to dye ourselves nor to
+poison our enemies.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, December
+8th.</i>&mdash;The Agriculture
+Bill found one thoroughgoing
+supporter in the
+Duke of <span class="sc">Marlborough</span>,
+an "owner-occupier"
+so enamoured of Government
+control that
+he desires to see the
+whole of the ditches
+and hedges of England
+administered out of
+public funds; and a host
+of critics, friendly and
+otherwise. Lord <span class="sc">Chaplin</span>,
+though he thought
+the Bill one of the worst ever introduced,
+declined to vote against the
+Second Reading; Lord <span class="sc">Harris</span> believed
+that it would make very little difference
+one way or the other; Lord <span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span>,
+as an old-fashioned Free Trader,
+would have nothing to do with it; Lord
+<span class="sc">Lovat</span> was of opinion that as an insurance
+for our food supply it would not
+compare with a Channel Tunnel; and
+Lord <span class="sc">Buckmaster</span> feared that it would
+rather strengthen than allay the demand
+for land nationalisation. The Government
+approached the division in some
+trepidation and were the more rejoiced
+when, in an unusually big House, the
+Second Reading was carried by 123 votes
+to 85.</p>
+
+<p>But for the self-sacrifice of Mr.
+<span class="sc">Speaker</span> the Commons would have
+made themselves ridiculous this evening.
+Major <span class="sc">Archer-Shee</span> wanted to
+have up a certain newspaper for breach
+of privilege in endeavouring to dictate
+to Members how they should vote. He
+obtained leave to move the adjournment
+and would doubtless have provided the
+peccant journal with a valuable free
+advertisement had not Mr. <span class="sc">Lowther</span>,
+reckless of his reputation for infallibility,
+suddenly remembered that motions
+for the adjournment were intended
+for criticising the Government and not
+for rebuking irresponsible outsiders. At
+his request the gallant Major withdrew
+his motion, and <i>The Daily</i> &mdash;&mdash; lost
+its advertisement.</p>
+
+<p>Invigorated by this episode the House&mdash;or
+what was left of it&mdash;resumed the
+Report stage of the Ministry of Health
+Bill. The debate was remarkable for
+the brevity of some of the speeches.
+Sir <span class="sc">Rowland Blades</span> set a good example
+to new Members by making a
+"maiden" effort in a minute and a
+half. But his record was easily beaten
+by Mr. <span class="sc">Sexton</span>, who found ten seconds
+sufficient for expressing his opinion that
+the fact that the House was trying to
+legislate in the small hours was sufficient
+proof of the necessity of extending
+the laws of lunacy. "<i>Si argumentum
+requiris circumspice</i>," he might have
+said as he gazed upon the recumbent
+and yawning figures around him.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, December 9th.</i>&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar
+Law</span> enumerated a portentous list of
+measures which the House of Commons
+must pass if it wants to enjoy its
+Christmas holidays in peace. Lord
+<span class="sc">Hugh Cecil</span> wanted to know what
+was the use of passing "all these foolish
+little Bills." Mr. <span class="sc">Pemberton Billing</span>
+had another solution for the difficulty
+and asked, "Why not pass them all
+<i>ad hoc</i>?" meaning, it is supposed, "<i>en
+bloc</i>."</p>
+
+<p>Well might the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> remark
+at Question-time that he welcomed
+the attacks of a certain section of the
+Press on the "Wastrels" because then
+he knew the Government was all right.
+Mr. <span class="sc">George Lambert</span> made a lively
+speech in support of his proposal to
+"ration" the Government to a sum of
+£808,000,000&mdash;the amount Mr. <span class="sc">Chamberlain</span>
+had said would suffice for a
+normal year. But his criticisms were
+too discursive to be really dangerous,
+and his condemnation of "sloppy Socialism"
+put up the backs
+of the Labour Party.</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Chancellor Of
+the Exchequer</span> reminded
+the House that
+when he talked of a
+"normal Budget" he
+had been careful to add,
+"but not this year, next
+year or the year after,"
+which sounds suspiciously
+like the nursery
+formula, "This year,
+next year, sometime,
+<span class="sc">never</span>."</p>
+
+<p>Still the great majority
+of the Members were
+only too anxious to be
+convinced, and passed
+by a huge majority the
+"blanketing" amendment
+of Sir <span class="sc">Godfrey
+Collins</span> in favour of
+economy in the abstract.
+I don't know how this is
+to be squared with the
+<span class="sc">Prime Minister's</span>
+theory that it is the business
+of the Government
+"to see that the population is contented."
+That sounds a little like <i>panem
+et circenses</i>&mdash;a policy which did not
+work out cheaply.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday, December 10th.</i>&mdash;With the
+air of one who has something fresh and
+strange to impart the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+informed the House of Commons to-day
+that in regard to Ireland "the Government
+are determined on a double policy."
+The novelty presumably consists in
+putting those old stagers, conciliation
+and coercion, hitherto only tried tandem-fashion,
+into double harness. Martial
+law is to be introduced in certain of
+the most disturbed districts, and at the
+same time such Sinn Fein M.P.'s as are
+not "on the run" are to be called into
+conference. On the face of it the prospect
+looks unpromising, but happily
+Ireland is essentially the place where
+nothing happens save the unexpected.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/474.png"><img src="images/474-500.png" width="500" height="401" alt="... on this of all evenings, when the audience threatens to outnumber the cast." /></a>
+<p><i>Actor-Manager of Touring Company.</i> "<span class="sc">Confound our luck! The leading
+lady has deserted us in our hour of need&mdash;eloped with the ostler
+from yonder public-house&mdash;on <i>this</i> of all evenings, when the audience
+threatens to outnumber the cast.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page475" id="page475"></a>[pg 475]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/475.png"><img src="images/475-600.png" width="600" height="369" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Macdonald.</i> "<span class="sc">Man Sandy, are ye boggit?</span>" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Sandy.</i> "<span class="sc">Ay,
+Macdonald, I'm boggit.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Macdonald.</i> "<span class="sc">Ye canna get oot?</span>" &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Sandy.</i> "<span class="sc">I'm no biding here for
+the pleesure o 't!</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Macdonald.</i> "<span class="sc">I doot ye'd like fine to come oot?</span>"  &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;<i>Sandy.</i> "<span class="sc">Ay, I
+would that.</span>"</p>
+
+<p><i>Macdonald.</i> "<span class="sc">Weel, 'twad be a Christian act to pull ye oot, but <i>verra</i>
+deefficult&mdash;unless ye've no fairther use for your red coo.</span>"</p>
+
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>MAKING THE LAW POPULAR.</h3>
+
+<p>A writer in an evening contemporary
+complains that one has some difficulty
+in finding the notices to jurors in the
+newspapers.</p>
+
+<p>We have often thought that more
+prominence might be given to the
+Law Notices generally. Printed in the
+smallest type and abbreviated almost
+beyond understanding, they are by no
+means the brightest item of news.</p>
+
+<p>Would it not be an advantage to hand
+the department over to a smart paragraphist?
+Readers might then be
+entertained by something like the
+following:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>Visitors to the Law Courts to-day
+should on no account fail to look in at
+King's Bench XIII., which is one of
+the cosiest of our beautiful Courts of
+Justice. Here will be continued the
+scintillating contest between Sir Anthony
+Prius, K.C., and that rising young
+barrister, Mr. Terry Blee-Smart, K.C.
+It is more than probable that the cross-examination
+of the humorous butcher
+will continue through most of the day.</p>
+
+<p>The first case on the list in the
+Lord Chief's Court to-day is no other
+than <i>The King</i> v. <i>The Dean and Chapter
+of Mumborough Cathedral</i>. While it is
+not expected that his Majesty's engagements
+will permit him to be present,
+an action of this character is fraught
+with more than common interest, since
+it must be seldom that the Royal House
+finds itself in such conflict with the
+Church as to resort to the arbitrament
+of the law.</p>
+
+<p>We see no reason why some legal
+engagements should not be boldly displayed,
+the more readily to catch the
+reader's eye. Why not the following:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Royal Courts of Justice.</span><br />
+<span class="sc1">Royal Courts of Justice.</span><br />
+<span class="sc1">Royal Courts of Justice.</span></h4>
+<h3>YOU MUST NOT MISS THIS!</h3>
+<h4>Chancery Court No. 29,</h4>
+  <h5>Before</h5>
+<h3>Mr. Justice Howling,</h3>
+<h3><i>Binks</i> v. <i>Arcana Cinema Company, Ltd.</i></h3>
+
+<blockquote>
+<p>As one of the leading comedians of
+the day Mr. <span class="sc">Tim Binks</span> never fails to
+create roars of laughter, and with Mr.
+<span class="sc">Justice Howling</span> may be relied upon
+to put up a show provocative of never-failing
+mirth.</p></blockquote>
+
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Cheer Yourself Up! Admission Free!</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem1">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Whether it's wet or whether it's fine,</p>
+<p>Visit Chancery Twenty-nine.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">The Lobster.</span></h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The lobster is an oblong crab</p>
+<p class="i2">With one or two antennæ;</p>
+<p>I fancy life would be less drab</p>
+<p class="i2">If people had as many.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I think he uses them to smell,</p>
+<p class="i2">But what he most enjoys</p>
+<p>Is rubbing them against his shell;</p>
+<p class="i2">It makes a funny noise.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He rubs away like anything,</p>
+<p class="i2">And you should see his face!</p>
+<p>Alas, he thinks that he can sing;</p>
+<p class="i2">But that is not the case.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>He's very sensitive and shy;</p>
+<p class="i2">At last when he is dead</p>
+<p><i>He knows the truth</i>&mdash;and that is why</p>
+<p class="i2">He goes so very red.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p class="i24"> A. P. H.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Your System appealed to me as a rational
+means of exercise without undue fatigue, and
+I started on the 10th of March, 1920. I was
+then in my 75th year, and now within only
+two months of completing the 85th."</p>
+<p class="author">
+<i>Advt. in Sunday Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>If he keeps it up he should be a centenarian
+by about the end of next year.
+One seems to age rather rapidly under
+this system.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page476" id="page476"></a>[pg 476]</span>
+
+<h3>THE OTHER HALF.</h3>
+
+<p>I was sitting by Anderson's fire the
+other day when his telephone bell rang.
+He made the usual insincere exclamation
+of disgust&mdash;as insincere as the
+horror we simulate when a bundle of
+letters is brought into the room, to
+have letters and to be called up on the
+telephone being really adventures and
+therefore welcome; and he then crossed
+the room to answer the call.</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I go?" I asked, thinking that
+he might prefer to be alone.</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, no," he said, and I remained.
+I was not trying to overhear, but it
+couldn't be helped.</p>
+
+<p>This is the conversation (his half) that
+I heard:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Speaking. Who is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting
+horribly nervous. How is he?"</p>
+
+<p>"Good Heavens! I was afraid he
+might be. What do you think?"</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I must trust you. But
+we must never let my wife know."</p>
+
+<p>"I'll think about it and let you
+know."</p>
+
+<p>"Quite likely. I'll go into that and
+let you know. She can't be absolutely
+alone anyway. There must be another
+some time."</p>
+
+<p>"And what do you propose to do
+now?"</p>
+
+<p>"You're sure it will be painless?"</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you very much. I shall tell
+my wife he died in his sleep. Good-bye."</p>
+
+<p>What, I wonder, would you have
+made of that? Some telephone conversations
+are easy to construct, but
+this to me was a puzzle. What had
+Anderson been up to? It must be an
+awful moment, I have often thought
+as I read divorce and other cases, when
+a friend is suddenly turned into a witness;
+and I had the feeling that that
+might be my lot now. Those clever
+cross-examining devils, they can get
+anything out of you. If Anderson had
+known who was ringing him up he
+would probably (so I reasoned) have
+got me out of the room; but, having
+once started, he decided to brazen it out
+as the less suspicious way.</p>
+
+<p>As so often happens, however, I was
+wrong. This is the whole innocent
+conversation:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Is that 1260?"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"Is Mr. Anderson there?"</p>
+
+<p>"Speaking. Who is it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Harding, the veterinary surgeon."</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting
+horribly nervous. How is he?"</p>
+
+<p>"He's worse."</p>
+
+<p>"Good Heavens! I was afraid he
+might be. What do you think?"</p>
+
+<p>"I think we had better put an end
+to him."</p>
+
+<p>"Of course I must trust you. But
+we must never let my wife know."</p>
+
+<p>"Shall I be looking about for another?"</p>
+
+<p>"I'll think about it and let you know."</p>
+
+<p>"Perhaps a totally different breed
+would be better; not another Peke.
+There'd be fewer unhappy associations
+then, don't you see?"</p>
+
+<p>"Quite likely. I'll go into that and
+let you know. She can't be absolutely
+alone, anyway. There must be another
+some time."</p>
+
+<p>"Yes."</p>
+
+<p>"And what do you propose to do
+now?"</p>
+
+<p>"Oh, I'll give him poison."</p>
+
+<p>"You're sure it will be painless?"</p>
+
+<p>"Quite."</p>
+
+<p>"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything."</p>
+
+<p>"That will be all right."</p>
+
+<p>"Thank you very much. I shall tell
+my wife he died in his sleep. Good-bye."</p>
+
+<p class="author">E. V. L.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE MOUNTAIN AND THE PROPHETS.</h3>
+
+<p>My dear Charles,&mdash;At Geneva
+there is, and was long before the arrival
+of the League of Nations, a mountain.
+There are many mountains in
+Switzerland, but Geneva's private
+mountain happens to be in France. It
+is called "The Salève," a nasty name,
+but not of my choosing. If, being in
+Geneva, you want to go up The Salève
+(as I personally do not) you have first
+to get your passport off the police. The
+police are always a little difficult about
+passports, but, if you mention the name
+of The Salève, you will find them easier.
+You have next to obtain the French
+<i>visa</i> in order to get out of Geneva;
+then the Swiss <i>visa</i> in order to get
+back again. Thus provided you have
+to compete with a complicated and
+long-drawn process of trams and frontier
+controls; even so you find yourself
+at the bottom and not at the top of The
+Salève.</p>
+
+<p>Being a busy (or shall we say idle?)
+man yourself, you will thus understand
+the reasons of my policy; if the mountain
+will not come to <span class="sc">Mahomed</span> then
+<span class="sc">Mahomed</span> and the mountain are best
+kept apart.</p>
+
+<p>The inhabitants of Geneva have long
+been contriving, intriguing, I will even
+say complotting, to get me up The Salève.
+My doctor, having made me thoroughly
+interested in myself, got on to the subject
+of exercise; when my banker passed
+from the subject of interest on overdrafts
+to the advisability of my seeing
+the great Geneva view, it was undoubtedly
+blackmail; and as for my
+dentist&mdash;well, you know what dentists
+are and what mean advantages they
+take. But this one, I think, over-stepped
+the limit when he allowed the
+crown of my tooth to remind him of
+the crown of Mont Blanc; paused in
+fixing the former to descant on the
+beauties of the latter; told me that
+from The Salève I should get a better
+view of the latter than he, where he
+was, was getting of the former; asked
+me almost simultaneously if he was
+hurting me and if I had been up The
+Salève, and told me that I must go up
+it and (which I took to mean "or")
+that he might have to hurt me.</p>
+
+<p>That was the most critical moment
+in the whole Battle of The Salève; the
+military critics are unanimous that I
+should have then said, "I will go up,"
+had I been in a position to say anything
+at all. Saved by the gag, I have
+won the war against the Genevois.</p>
+
+<p>I have taken the standpoint of the
+prophet, who, as you know, is not without
+honour abroad&mdash;a prophet with the
+policy outlined above. When a prophet
+of my sort decides on a policy, and that
+policy consists of doing nothing, he
+takes a lot of shifting, even on the flat.
+And there the matter and I remained,
+when there arrived from England, on
+or about November 15th, a positive
+cloud of prophets, intent on the League
+of Nations. The busiest figure among
+them is the secretary of one of the
+delegates. Pretending to be my best
+friend he sought the occasion of a
+heart-to-heart with me. I took it he
+wanted to discuss Nations; it appeared
+he wanted to discuss mountains. I hoped
+he was considering them generally in
+mass, possibly with the view of making
+a League of them. He was thinking
+in the particular, and you can guess
+what particular. He was beginning to
+think of wanting to go up It.</p>
+
+<p>In an effective speech, which brought
+tears to my eyes but merely gave him
+an opportunity to fill and light his pipe,
+I put all the "cons" before him, particularly
+the passport part. As a man
+speaking with the authority behind him
+of a world leagued together, he detailed
+all the "pros." We must act together,
+he and I; he would assemble the prophets,
+I the passports.</p>
+
+<p>I refused to be bullied by him. He
+named some major prophets, whom I
+should find it more difficult to withstand.
+His propaganda amongst them
+apparently began at once. Mark the
+sequence of events:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>On Tuesday, November 16th, His
+Majesty's Minister-Plenipotentiary and
+Envoy-Extraordinary in Switzerland
+assembled the British element to dinner.
+I have reason to know that he had already
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page477" id="page477"></a>[pg 477]</span>
+been approached by the secretary.
+The Crown of Mont Blanc was freely
+discussed and curiosity was aroused as
+to the identity, the desirability, even
+the approachability of the nearer mountain.</p>
+
+<p>On Wednesday, November 17th, I ran
+into Lieut.-Col. His Highness the <span class="sc">Jam
+Sahib</span> of <span class="sc">Nawanagar</span>&mdash;"<span class="sc">Ranji</span>," in brief.
+He was standing at the entrance of his
+hotel in significant meditation. The
+entrance of his hotel looks upon The
+Salève and past it to the Crown of
+Mont Blanc. And that was where he
+looked.</p>
+
+<p>On Friday, November 19th, I found
+the Right Hon. G. N. <span class="sc">Barnes</span> walking
+along the Quai de Mont Blanc in the
+fatal direction. His eyebrows pointed
+relentlessly upward.</p>
+
+<p>On Saturday, November 20th, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Balfour</span> arrived. The secretary began
+to talk about a date for our excursion.</p>
+
+<p>On Sunday, November 21st, I became
+involved in conversation with Lord
+<span class="sc">Robert Cecil</span> in his room in his hotel.
+He moved towards the window, and as
+he did so Armenia, Vilna and all the
+Powers that want to come into the
+League and all the Powers that want
+to stay out of the League faded from
+his mind, and he called attention to
+the Crown of Mont Blanc and fixed
+his eagle eye upon the mole-hill in
+between.</p>
+
+<p>On Monday, November 22nd, the
+secretary came to me and ordered me
+to provide passports, duly <i>visaed</i>,  for
+The Salève party&mdash;seven in all, myself
+included. I told him that I would appeal
+direct to the delegates themselves,
+with whom I had already done some
+defensive propaganda on my own. He
+told me it was nothing to do with the
+delegates; it was the delegates' ladies.
+Fool that I was, I had never thought
+of them!</p>
+
+<p>That night I wrote in my diary: "At
+Geneva there is a mountain. It is called
+The Salève&mdash;a nasty name for a nasty
+mountain. On Saturday I shall be on
+the top of it. I always knew that
+the League of Nations would make
+trouble."</p>
+
+<p>On Tuesday, November 23rd, I sent
+an emissary among the ladies to persuade
+them that the summit of The
+Salève was loathsome. The emissary
+succeeded in establishing this point by
+contrasting it unfavourably with the
+Crown of Mont Blanc. The ladies
+thanked the emissary cordially for her
+most interesting information and said
+they would take steps to see the Crown
+of <i>Mont Blanc</i> more nearly, even if those
+steps had to be up The Salève.</p>
+
+<p>That night I wrote in my diary:
+"For a year I have fought and won,
+but on Saturday the Crown of Mont
+Blanc will witness my defeat, and the
+whole range of the Alps will look on in
+silent contempt."</p>
+
+<p>On Wednesday morning, November
+24th, I met Mr. <span class="sc">Balfour</span> crossing the
+Pont du Mont Blanc. He was looking
+at It with that dreamy smile of his,
+which seems to laugh at the littleness
+of man and the futility of his policies.
+That finished me.</p>
+
+<p>On Wednesday night, November 24th-25th
+(read your paper to witness if I
+lie), the Crown of Mont Blanc fell
+off ... I have left The Salève where
+it is. What does it matter now?</p>
+
+<p class="author">Yours ever,</p>
+<p class="author">Henry.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<a href="images/477.png"><img src="images/477-318.png" width="318" height="450" alt="How small the world is, to be sure!" /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Hullo, Brown! Fancy running up against you. How small the world is,
+to be sure!</span>"</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Y-yes. Terribly small, isn't it?</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Enough Said.</h4>
+
+<p>"Sir Henry apologised at the close for having
+made the lecture somewhat shorter than usual.
+Sir Donald &mdash;&mdash; said that theirs was an unspoken
+gratitude to Sir Henry for having done
+what he had been able to do."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Scots Paper.</i></p>
+
+<hr /><br />
+
+<blockquote>
+<p class="author">"<span class="sc">Madrid</span>, Dec. 8.</p>
+
+<p>"The Ministry of Public Works has announced
+that on January 15 next an opportunity will
+be offered to foreign firms to secure orders for
+119 railway engines and tenders needed by the
+Spanish railway companies. Tenders must be
+handed personally by a duly accredited representative
+of the firm making the offer."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Times.</i></p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The engines may, however, be done up
+in a parcel and sent by post in the
+usual manner.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page478" id="page478"></a>[pg 478]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/478.png"><img src="images/478-600.png" width="600" height="385" alt="The Sahib is coming very quickly, I tell you." /></a>
+<p><i>Indian Servant (as telephone continues ringing).</i> "<span class="sc">Oh, Sar, do not
+be so angry. The Sahib is coming very quickly, I tell you.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE ARRIVAL OF THE MANX BALLET.</h3>
+
+<p>The first visit of the Manx Ballet to
+London is undoubtedly the most outstanding
+feature in the annals of choregraphic
+and corybantic realism since
+the historic <i>première</i> of the Botocudo
+Troupe on September 31st, 1919. And
+it is all the more welcome as an indication
+of the emergence of a native school,
+fully equipped in technique and scenic
+resource and, above all, imbued from
+start to finish with a high sense of
+the paramount importance of psycho-analysis
+in eliminating all supra-liminal
+elements from the orchestro-mimetic
+drama.</p>
+
+<p>The most ambitious as well as the
+most successful item in the programme
+presented on Saturday night at the
+Colossodrome was <i>The Cat of Ballasalla</i>,
+that wonderful old Manx legend
+of the Princess who was turned into
+a cat by the enchantments of the
+Wizard of Dhoon and subsequently
+sentenced to decaudation by the cruel
+Scandinavian invader, <span class="sc">Magnus Barfod</span>.
+The scene of the trial in the
+great synclinorium of Greeba Castle&mdash;exhibiting
+contemporaneous carboniferous
+tuffs, soft argillaceous rocks
+with choriambic fossils as well as later
+dolerite dykes, amid which the feline
+amenities of the Princess were illustrated
+with miraculous agility by Miss
+Agneesh Crannoge&mdash;compares favourably
+with the most ambitious enormities
+ever perpetrated by the genius of
+<span class="sc">Bakst</span>, <span class="sc">Diaghilev</span>, or even <span class="sc">Cocodrillo</span>,
+the Sardinian neo-Gongorist.</p>
+
+<p>The music, which is chiefly founded on
+Manx folk-songs, developed and adapted
+by Mr. Orry Poolvash, is richly suggestive
+of the psycho-analytic basic
+aroma which pervades the entire scenario.
+The absence of a Coda in the
+Funeral March which concludes the
+ballet is an exquisitely pathetic touch
+which could only have occurred to a
+composer of genius. The orchestration
+is sumptuous and sonorous, the usual
+instruments being supplemented by two
+Glory Quayle-horns, a quartet of Laxey-phones
+with rotating C and C sharp
+crooks, a Manx harp with three strings,
+and a Miaowola, which gives out the
+Death Motive of the Princess at the
+various crises of the drama in tones of
+sublimated anguish and intensity.</p>
+
+<p>We have only space in this brief preliminary
+notice to remark that the programme
+includes a humorous extravaganza
+entitled <i>The Quirks of Quilliam</i>,
+in which a grotesque <i>pas de quatre</i> for
+the <i>Deemster</i>, the <i>Doomster</i>, the <i>Boomster</i>
+and the <i>Scrabster</i>, forms the central
+episode; and ends with a satiric sketch,
+<i>The Golden Calf of Man</i>, apparently
+aimed at the extravagance of Lancashire
+trippers, who are pursued by demons
+into Sulby Glen, and released, to the
+sound of sea-trumpets, by the beneficent
+intervention of <i>Lord Greeba</i> on their
+promising to evacuate the island.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>GOLFING "IFS."</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>If you bring your own lunch</p>
+<p>And frugally munch</p>
+<p>Your sandwich and cake</p>
+<p>For economy's sake;</p>
+<p>If you strictly abstain</p>
+<p>From sloe-gin and champagne,</p>
+<p>Never touching a drop</p>
+<p>Save perhaps ginger-pop;</p>
+<p>If you're clever enough</p>
+<p>To keep out of the rough,</p>
+<p>If you don't slice or hook</p>
+<p>Into pond, dyke or brook</p>
+<p>Your new three-shilling ball,</p>
+<p>And, best saving of all,</p>
+<p>If you carry your clubs,</p>
+<p>You can pay heavy "subs.,"</p>
+<p>Fees for entrance and greens,</p>
+<p>Without straining your means,</p>
+<p>And, though you're a middle-</p>
+<p class="i2">Class man, not a peer,</p>
+<p>Agree with <span class="sc">Lord Riddell</span></p>
+<p class="i2">That golf isn't dear.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page479" id="page479"></a>[pg 479]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/479.png"><img src="images/479-600.png" width="600" height="393" alt="Well, cheer up. Your luck's bound to change soon." /></a>
+<p><i>Cheery Sportsman.</i> <span class="sc">"Had six falls in two days, have you? Well,
+cheer up. Your luck's bound to change soon. These things always come in cycles."</span></p>
+<p><i>Rough Rider.</i> <span class="sc">"Mine seem to come in motor lorries."</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4>
+
+<p>The news that Mr. <span class="sc">Stephen Leacock</span> has published a
+fresh series of burlesques will, I do not doubt, add to the
+Christmas jollity of a vast crowd of laughter-lovers. The
+name of it is <i>Winsome Winnie, and other New Nonsense
+Novels</i> (<span class="sc">Lane</span>), and I can only describe it in that pet phrase
+of the house-agents as "examined and strongly recommended"
+for the merriest five-shillings' worth that I have
+enjoyed this long time. If ever a volume demanded to be
+read aloud over the Yule log here it is. Which of the eight
+novels is the most irresistible must remain, I suppose, a
+matter of individual taste; for myself I found the opening
+chapter in the title-tale the funniest thing in the collection,
+and that not forgetting the billiard match in the detective
+story, a contest that I defy anyone to follow without
+tears. To attempt analysis of such happily unforced
+humour would be a dark and dreadful task; but I incline to
+think that, more than most, the fun of Mr. <span class="sc">Leacock</span> (to be
+accurate one should, I suppose, say Dr. <span class="sc">Leacock</span>) depends
+upon the sudden tripping-up of the reader in his moment
+of fancied security. The <i>cliché</i>, with its deceptive appearance
+of solid and familiar ground, conceals an unexpected
+trap. Thus <i>Winnie</i>, the thrown-upon-the-world heroine,
+asked by the family lawyer how she proposes to gain a
+livelihood, replies in consecrated phrase, "I have my needle."
+"<i>Let me see it</i>," says the lawyer. But I grow pedantic;
+far more important than the method of this little book is its
+gift of seasonable entertainment, for which we need only
+wipe our eyes and be grateful.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In <i>The Royal Artillery War Commemoration Book</i> Messrs.
+<span class="sc">G. Bell and Sons</span> have produced a noble volume worthy of
+the great record of the Royal Regiment. To the energy
+and enthusiasm of Mrs. <span class="sc">Ambrose Dudley</span> is largely due
+the collection of the fine material which Major-General
+Sir <span class="sc">Herbert Uniacke</span> has here set out in fair order and
+proportion. Personal diaries dealing with various phases
+of the War on all fronts or with the daily routine of batteries
+are here interspersed with articles and poems of a more
+purely literary quality and with original illustrations, largely
+the work of Gunner-officers and extremely well reproduced.
+Among the most notable contributors are Brigadier-General
+J. H. <span class="sc">Morgan</span>, Major V. R. <span class="sc">Burkhardt</span>, D.S.O., Major The
+Master of <span class="sc">Belhaven</span>, Captain <span class="sc">Victor Walrond</span> (the last
+two killed in action), Captain <span class="sc">Gilbert Holiday</span>, Captain H.
+<span class="sc">Asquith</span>, Lieut. <span class="sc">Robert Nichols</span>, Lieut. <span class="sc">Gilbert Frankau</span>,
+Gunner <span class="sc">Mears</span>, the Hon. <span class="sc">Neville Lytton</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Septimus
+Power</span>, Mr. W. <span class="sc">Rothenstein</span>, Miss <span class="sc">Lucy Kemp-welch</span>
+and Mr. C. <span class="sc">CLARK</span>. <i>Punch</i> is represented by several
+artists, including Captain E. H. <span class="sc">Shepard</span>, M.C., and
+Lieut. <span class="sc">Wallis Mills</span> (both of the Regiment), who have
+contributed some delightful colour-sketches, very faithfully
+observed. Many of the poems, too, that appear in the
+volume have been reprinted from the pages of <i>Punch</i>.
+There are brief records of those members of the Regiment
+who won the V.C., many portraits of "Representative
+Artillerymen," and a Roll of Honour of fallen officers,
+numbering 3,507. Lack of space alone prevented the inclusion
+of the names of the 45,442 Other Ranks who gave
+their lives for their country. Every Gunner who does not
+possess this splendid memorial work should have it given
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page480" id="page480"></a>[pg 480]</span>
+to him this Christmas by some proud relative or friend.
+Like the Regiment, it should go <i>Ubique</i>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>When Mr. <span class="sc">Robert Chambers</span> decides to give his neurotic
+New York society women a miss, and exploit his more
+imaginative and adventurous vein, I always know that I
+am in for a late night and an extra large gas bill. Like
+the British soldier Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers</span> does not carry the word
+"impossible" in his vocabulary. Why should he, since he
+can give the semblance of reality to the utterly unbelievable?
+Then one mutters, "What utter rubbish!" and sends round
+to the bookseller to enquire if by any chance there is a
+sequel coming out. In <i>The Slayer of Souls</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and
+Stoughton</span>) Mr. <span class="sc">Chambers</span> is at his best and most impossible.
+A race of dreadful magicians, the descendants of
+the Old Man of the Mountain, who have been multiplying
+and acquiring extraordinary psychic powers in the interior
+of China for centuries, come forth to do battle with the
+United Secret Service for the souls of men. They have
+inspired the Hun, and the
+Bolshevik has been their
+tool. Fortunately a beautiful
+young American girl,
+who was brought up in
+their midst and has learned
+all their grizzly powers and
+(as it seems) a bit more, is
+on the side of the "forces of
+law and order." The struggle
+is titanic, for these
+magicians can slay and be
+slain corporeally and incorporeally
+with equal ease. I
+do not need to tell you who
+wins out, but neither will
+I intimate how it is done.
+I can only say that I
+envy anybody who is fortunate
+enough to have a
+long evening before him
+and <i>The Slayer of Souls</i>
+at his elbow, still unread.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>In <i>Uncle Pierce's Legacy</i>
+(<span class="sc">Methuen</span>) Mrs. <span class="sc">Dorothea
+Conyers</span> gives us once more all that we have learned
+to expect of her novels: the friendly, witty, blundering servants;
+the hunting society in which wealth and poverty,
+breeding and vulgarity, cheerfully rub shoulders; the descriptions
+of the wistful beautiful West of Ireland in autumn
+and winter; and above all the horses. Added to all this
+there are Sinn Fein raids, real and imaginary, to bring
+things up to date. A rather unconvincing plot, with a
+dash of <i>Great Expectations</i> in it, yet offers a situation
+which has plenty of amusing possibilities. <i>Honor</i> and <i>Evie
+Nutting</i>, two middle-aged spinsters, find themselves the
+possessors of eight thousand a year, on condition that they
+spend it all. That sounds, of course, a very pleasant
+arrangement; but they have been struggling for years to
+make ends meet and economy has become a habit. The
+end of the first quarter finds them sending <i>Harris</i>, the
+English manservant, in haste to buy a frying-pan with the
+last unspent three shillings and sixpence. That the <i>Uncle
+Pierce</i> of the title should be really a brother, that characters
+should change their names without rhyme or reason from
+paragraph to paragraph, and that inverted commas should
+make their appearance just anywhere&mdash;all this, I think,
+is the author's clever way of suggesting an atmosphere
+of Irish irresponsibility, and it is quite successful. <i>Uncle
+Pierce's Legacy</i> is a pleasant tale most pleasantly told, and
+it is not Mrs. <span class="sc">Conyers</span>' fault, but her misfortune (and ours),
+that novels which describe the lighter side of Irish life,
+even with the tenderest humour, are more likely just now
+to make one sigh than smile.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>I do not know whether <i>The Scar</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and Stoughton</span>)
+first saw publication in any of our popular dailies, but
+from internal evidence I should be strongly inclined to suspect
+it. At least Miss <span class="sc">Ruby M. Ayres</span> has written an
+admirable example of the class of tale, beloved of our serial
+public, in which new every morning are the tribulations of
+the elect, only to vanish with startling suddenness in the
+last days of June or December. For example, <i>Mark</i>, the
+hero, begins as the misunderstood son of one of those
+widower-fathers who in such stories dwell for ever behind
+the locked doors of studies, leaving in this instance <i>Mark</i> to
+be the victim of an aunt whose lack of sympathy approaches
+the pantomimic. All the usual results follow, even to the
+acquisition by <i>Mark</i> of a
+faithful hound, which the
+least experience of sentimental
+fiction would have
+caused any insurance company
+to refuse on sight.
+When therefore <i>Aunt
+Midian</i>, following her appointed
+course, effaced
+this friend-of-man, I confess
+that my grief was to
+some extent tempered by
+a recognition of the inevitable.
+Of course, however,
+<i>Mark</i> does not remain
+for long in what I
+might call these dog-days
+of his young affection;
+love, strong, passionate
+and not too slavishly restricted
+to a single object,
+soon has his world going
+round as fast as the most
+exacting reader could desire.
+For the decorous
+details of this delirium I
+need only add that, if you want them, you know where
+to go to find them.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Had I been asked to godfather <i>Smith and the Pharaohs</i>
+(<span class="sc">Arrowsmith</span>) I should have refused to stand, unless its
+name was changed to "Barbara who Came Back," for the
+tale of <i>Barbara</i> is by far the best in this book of short
+stories. It would be boastful&mdash;as well as untrue&mdash;to say
+that I have read all of Sir <span class="sc">H. Rider Haggard's</span> many
+books, but as far as my experience of them goes I find a
+delightfully fresh quality in this tale. It may be old-fashioned
+and over-sentimental, but in spite of these defects
+it has a very definite charm, and its conclusion makes a
+curious and legitimate appeal to the emotions. All the
+other stories are well up to standard, and it is amazing
+that an author who has written so much still shows no
+symptoms either of weariness or vain repetition.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Those who appreciate Miss <span class="sc">C. Fox Smith's</span> familiarity
+with the ways and moods of sailormen and her flair for the
+true sea-tang will welcome the new collection of poems
+which she has brought out under the title, <i>Ships and Folks</i>
+(<span class="sc">Elkin Mathews</span>). Most of these verses have appeared in
+<i>Punch</i>, and no further commendation is here needed.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/480.png"><img src="images/480-500.png" width="500" height="407" alt="Good heavens! Can it be possible that such things are?" /></a>
+<p><i>Christmas Card Artist (of the Old School).</i> <span class="sc">"Good heavens! Can it
+be possible that such things <i>are</i>?"</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+
+<table align="center" summary="note">
+<tr>
+<td class="note">
+<h4><span class="sc">Transcriber's Note:</span></h4>
+
+<p>Page 465: Tristan d'Acunha&mdash;this spelling also appears in the next
+issue of 'Punch'.</p>
+
+<p>Page 478: choregraphic is a valid spelling of choreographic.<br />
+(Oxford Dictionary: Cho'regraph etc. See CHOREOGRAPH etc.)</p>
+
+</td></tr></table>
+
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<p>&nbsp;</p>
+<hr class="pg" />
+<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL. 159, DECEMBER 15, 1920***</p>
+<p>******* This file should be named 19334-h.txt or 19334-h.zip *******</p>
+<p>This and all associated files of various formats will be found in:<br />
+<a href="http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334">http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/3/3/19334</a></p>
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@@ -0,0 +1,2244 @@
+The Project Gutenberg eBook, Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159,
+December 15, 1920, by Various, Edited by Owen Seaman
+
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Vol. 159, December 15, 1920
+
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: September 19, 2006  [eBook #19334]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII)
+
+
+***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI,
+VOL. 159, DECEMBER 15, 1920***
+
+
+E-text prepared by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram, and the Project
+Gutenberg Online Distributed Proofreading Team (https://www.pgdp.net/)
+
+
+
+Note: Project Gutenberg also has an HTML version of this
+      file which includes the original illustrations.
+      See 19334-h.htm or 19334-h.zip:
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334/19334-h/19334-h.htm)
+      or
+      (https://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/3/19334/19334-h.zip)
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+DECEMBER 15, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+Apparently the official decision not to issue Christmas excursion
+tickets for journeys of less than one hundred miles will inflict some
+inconvenience on the public. Several correspondents point out that
+they will be obliged to travel further than they had intended.
+
+       * * *
+
+A newspaper correspondent describes CHARLIE CHAPLIN as being an
+amusing companion in private life. We always suspect a popular
+comedian of having his lighter moments.
+
+       * * *
+
+"For twenty years," says a contemporary, "Superintendent Spencer of
+Scotland Yard has been watching the King." We hasten to add that
+during all that time HIS MAJESTY has never done anything to excite
+suspicion.
+
+       * * *
+
+This year's Oxford and Cambridge Rugby match is said to have been the
+most exciting in the memory of the oldest undergraduate.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to _The Daily Express_ twenty-five thousand Government
+officials are on strike in Austria. People are asking why we can't
+have this sort of thing in England.
+
+       * * *
+
+Official kissing at Presidential functions is now discontinued in
+France and visitors must shake hands in future. These curtailed
+amenities are still an improvement on the Mexican custom of exchanging
+revolver shots.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Hats," says _The Times_' fashion correspondent, "are worn well on the
+head." We have always regarded this as the best place to wear a hat
+on.
+
+       * * *
+
+White spats are to be fashionable this winter, we read. In muddy
+weather, however, the colour-scheme may be varied. Only the other day
+we saw one gentleman wearing a beautiful pair of Dalmatians.
+
+       * * *
+
+So many singers want to run before they can walk, says Mr. BEN DAVIES.
+With some singers whom we have heard, the ability to dodge as well as
+run would be an advantage.
+
+       * * *
+
+Loud cheers were given, says a Bolshevist wireless message, when LENIN
+left Petrograd for Moscow. We can well believe it.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Bolshevists now forbid men to walk through the streets with their
+hands in their pockets. Hands in other peoples' pockets every time is
+their motto.
+
+       * * *
+
+A palpitating writer in a Sunday paper asks if the summit of English
+life is being made a true Olympus or a rooting-ground for the swine
+of EPICURUS. Judging by the present exorbitant price of a nice tender
+loin of pork, with crisp crackling, we should say the former.
+
+       * * *
+
+A West Norwood man who described himself as a poet told the magistrate
+that he had twice been knocked down by a motor-cyclist. Our opinion is
+that he should have given up poetry when he was knocked down the first
+time.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL cannot be in two places at once, says _The
+Bristol Evening News_. All the same it is a dangerous thing to put him
+on his mettle like that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Many people remain oblivious of the approach of Christmas until the
+appearance of mistletoe at Covent Garden. We don't wait for that; we
+go by the appearance in _The Daily Mail_ of a letter announcing the
+discovery of primroses in Thanet.
+
+       * * *
+
+Measures to arrest the subsidence of the dome of St. Paul's Cathedral
+have again become imperative. The cause assigned is the depressing
+effect of the DEAN.
+
+       * * *
+
+Of several hats caught up in a recent whirlwind it was observed that
+the one with the largest circulation was a "Sandringham."
+
+       * * *
+
+A judge has decided that it is _ultra vires_ for a municipal body to
+run a public laundry. Apparently this is to remain a monopoly of the
+Royal Courts of Justice.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The telephone," we are told, "was cradled in a dead man's ear." As
+far as we can ascertain the other end of ours is still there.
+
+       * * *
+
+Seventy is suggested by the London County Council as the age limit at
+which coroners should retire. Complete justice cannot be done as long
+as there is anything in the shape of identity of interest between the
+coroner and the corpse.
+
+       * * *
+
+"The natural position of the eyeballs in sleep," says a correspondent
+of _The Daily Mail_, "is turned upwards." The practice of leaving
+them standing in a tumbler of water all night should be particularly
+avoided by light sleepers.
+
+       * * *
+
+We are asked to deny the rumour that the POET LAUREATE is entitled to
+draw the unemployment donation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POKER-PLAYER'S SECRET MAKE-UP OUTFIT.
+
+_Disguises your elation when you hold a fat hand_.
+
+Only five-and-sixpence post free in plain wrapper.
+
+Will pay for itself many times over.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Theatre-Fashions in Malta.
+
+    "The House was full to its utmost capacity, the elegant
+    night dresses and toilettes of the ladies presenting a fine
+    aspect."--_Malta Paper_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Ye Olde ---- Hotel. Hot and Cold Sheets." _Daily Paper_.
+
+Produced, we assume, by a water-bottle (h. and c.).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE DRY CHAMPAIGN IN SCOTLAND.
+     POLLING IN EDINBURGH."
+
+    _Provincial Paper_.
+
+Judging by the results, the Scots seem still to prefer the local
+vintage.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was a young high-brow of Sutton
+  Who lived on hot air and cold mutton;
+    He knew not of GROCK,
+    But he idolized BROCK
+  (I don't mean the sculptor, but CLUTTON).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+TO THE LION OF LUCERNE.
+
+  TINO, before you went away
+    To crouch behind a sheltering Alp,
+  How strong the limelight used to play
+    About your bald, but kingly, scalp!
+  And now, emerging from the shelf
+    (A site where Kings are seldom happy),
+  You must be pleased to find yourself
+    Once more resilient on the _tapis_.
+
+  Over your past (Out, damned spots!)
+    With lavish bucketfuls you paint
+  The whitewash on to clean its blots
+    And camouflage the Teuton taint;
+  From WILLIAM and the family tie
+    Protesting your unbridled freedom,
+  "I know you not, old man," you cry,
+    "Fall to your prayers--you badly need 'em!"
+
+  For Athens, to your great content,
+    Calls you to be her guiding star
+  (Only a paltry one per cent
+    Wanted to leave you where you are);
+  And you've agreed to take it on,
+    Jumped at the prospect Fate discloses,
+  And thought, "With VENEZELOS gone,
+    Life will be one long bed of roses."
+
+  But mark the oversight you made,
+    Forgetting, while you waxed so fat,
+  That England, whom you once betrayed,
+    Might have a word to say to that;
+  Might, if for love of your fair eyes
+    Greece should decide again to wobble,
+  Conceivably withdraw supplies
+    And cut her off with half an obol.
+
+  Roar loud, O Lion of Lucerne!
+    But lo, upon Britannia's shore
+  Another Lion takes his turn
+    And gives a rather louder roar;
+  Meaning, "It doesn't suit my views
+    To subsidise two sorts of beano,
+  And Greece will therefore have to choose
+    Between her tummy and her TINO."
+
+  O. S.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ABOUT GOLF.
+
+Golf is obviously the worst game in the world. I doubt indeed whether
+it is a game at all.
+
+It is played with a ball, about which, though I could say much, I will
+say little. I will not decide whether it should have a heart of oak
+or a heart of gold, whether it should go through a 1.6-inch ring or
+a plate-glass window, whether it should sink like the German Navy or
+float like the British. Enough, if not too much, has been said about
+the standard ball.
+
+Golf is also played with a number of striking implements more
+intricate in shape than those used in any other form of recreation
+except dentistry. Let so much be agreed.
+
+Now, quite plainly, the essential idea underlying all games played
+with a ball, whether a club, stick, mallet, bat or cue be added or no,
+is that some interference should take place with the enemy's action,
+some thwarting of his purpose or intent. In Rugby football, to take a
+case, where no mallet is used, it is permissible to seize an opponent
+by the whiskers and sling him over your right shoulder, afterwards
+stamping a few times on his head or his stomach. This thwarts him
+badly. The same principle applies, though in a milder form, to the
+game of cricket, where you attempt to beat the adversary's bat with
+your ball, or, if you have the bat, to steer the ball between your
+adversaries, or at least to make them jolly well wish that you would.
+
+Even with the baser and less heroic ball games, like croquet and
+billiards, where more than one ball is used at a time, action inimical
+to the interests of the opponent's ball is permitted and encouraged.
+Indeed in the good old days of yore, when croquet was not so strictly
+scientific, a shrewd sudden stroke--the ankle shot, we called it, for,
+after all, the fellow was probably not wearing boots--well, I daresay
+you remember it; and I have once succeeded in paralysing the enemy's
+cue arm with the red; but this needs a lot of luck as well as
+strength, and is not a stroke to be practised by the beginner,
+especially on public tables.
+
+We come then again to golf, and see at once that, with the miserable
+and cowardly exception of laying the stymie, there is no stroke in
+this game that fulfils the proper conditions which should govern
+athletic contests involving the use of spherical objects with or
+without instruments of percussion.
+
+And yet we read column after column about fierce encounters and
+desperate struggles between old antagonists, when as a matter of fact
+there is no struggle, no encounter at all. Against no other ball game
+but golf, unless perhaps it be roulette, can this accusation be laid.
+Ask a man what happened last Saturday. "I went out," he says, rather
+as if he was the British Expeditionary Force, "in 41; but I came
+home"--he smiles triumphantly; you see the hospital ship, the cheering
+crowds--"in 39." Whether he beat the other fellow or not he hardly
+remembers, because there was in fact no particular reason why the
+other fellow should have been there.
+
+Golf matches ought to be arranged, and for my part I shall arrange
+them in future, as follows:--
+
+_He._ Can you play on Saturday at Crump?
+
+_I._ No, I'm not playing this week.
+
+_He._ Next week then?
+
+_I._ Yes, at Blimp.
+
+_He._ I can't come to Blimp.
+
+_I._ Well, let's play all the same. Your score this week at Crump
+against mine next week at Blimp, and we'll have five bob on it.
+
+I'm not quite sure what his retort is, but you take my point. It
+is manifestly absurd to drag the psychological element into this
+cold-blooded mathematical pursuit. After all that England has done and
+come through in the last few years, is a man in baggy knickerbockers,
+with tufts on the ends of his garters, going to be daunted and foiled
+just because a man in slightly baggier knickerbockers and with
+slightly larger tufts on his garters has hit a small white pellet a
+little further than he has? Hardly, I think.
+
+That is why, when I read long letters in the principal daily papers
+about the expense of this so-called game, and calculations as to
+whether it can be played for less than twenty-five shillings a time,
+I am merely amused. In my opinion, if the relatives of members of
+golf-clubs cannot afford to support them, these institutions should
+either be closed or the inmates should be provided with some better
+game, like basketball. That is what I feel about golf.
+
+All the same, if Enderby really thinks and believes that, because in
+a nasty cross-wind I happened to be slicing badly and didn't know
+the course and lost a ball at the twelfth, and he holed twice out of
+bunkers and certainly baulked me by sniffing on the fifteenth tee,
+and laid a stymie, mark you, of all places at the seventeenth, that
+I can't beat him three times out of five in normal conditions and not
+with that appalling caddy ---- well, I suppose one must do one's best
+to relieve a fellow-creature of his hallucinations, mustn't one?
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE BOBLET.
+
+BRITANNIA (_counting her change_). "WHAT'S THIS?"
+
+OUR MR. CHAMBERLAIN. "THAT, MADAM, IS THE NEW SHILLING. IT HAS MORE
+ALLOY THAN THE OLD, BUT THE SAME PURCHASING POWER."
+
+BRITANNIA. "PURCHASING WEAKNESS, YOU MEAN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Host_ (_by way of keeping his guest's mind off the
+state of the course_). "ASTONISHING HOW QUICKLY PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN
+THE WAR."
+
+_Guest_. "WHAT--WITH THIS MUD, AND YOU AT THE SLOPE?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR HEAVY-WAITS.
+
+Our Boxing Correspondent sends us the following gloomy forecast.
+We have pointed out to him that Mr. COCHRAN has recently made a
+definite contract for a meeting between DEMPSEY and CARPENTIER. Our
+Correspondent replies that this does not affect his attitude, and
+urges us to publish his predictions of further delay. We do so under
+protest.
+
+_Paris, December 22nd, 1920._--M. DESCHAMPS (CARPENTIER'S Manager)
+denies all knowledge of any agreement with Mr. COCHRAN.
+
+_New York, December 24th, 1920._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN says that
+DESCHAMPS must be dotty. He (C. B.) is returning by the _Mauretania_
+to-morrow.
+
+_London, April 17th, 1923._--As Mr. COCHRAN and M. DESCHAMPS have
+not yet come to an agreement the fight for the World's Heavy-Weight
+Championship is indefinitely postponed. JOE BECKETT meets Bombardier
+WELLS to-night at the Circle.
+
+_London, April 18th, 1923._--Since the days of JIM CORBETT no more
+polished exponent of the fistic art has graced the ring than our
+Bombardier Billy. Thunders of applause greeted his appearance in the
+"mystic square" last night. He flashed round his ponderous opponent,
+mesmerising him with the purity of his style, the accuracy of his
+hitting, the brilliance of his foot-work. He held the vast audience
+spell-bound. BECKETT won on a knock-out in the second round.
+
+_London, August 11th, 1924._--Mr. LOVAT FRASER in a powerful article
+(written _entirely_ in italics) in _The Daily Mail_ points out
+the fearful tension the peace of Europe is undergoing through the
+continued differences between Messrs. COCHRAN and DESCHAMPS, and
+demands to know what the PREMIER is doing about it.
+
+_London, August 24th, 1924._--Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, acting under Mr.
+LOVAT FRASER'S orders, has gone to Lympne (kindly lent by Sir PHILIP
+SASSOON), where he will be joined by Mr. COCHRAN, M. DESCHAMPS and M.
+MILLERAND.
+
+_London, September 30th, 1924._--The whole civilised world will
+rejoice to hear that the differences between Mr. C. B. COCHRAN and M.
+DESCHAMPS have at last been amicably settled. The great fight for the
+world's heavy-weight championship is fixed to take place at Olympia on
+November 17th. DEMPSEY is to receive L100,000, CARPENTIER L75,000.
+
+_London, October 4th, 1924._--It appears that Olympia was already
+booked for November for _The Daily Mail's_ Ideal Pyjama Exhibition,
+and Mr. C. B. COCHRAN has to-day issued a _communique_ to the Press
+Association to the effect that the contest will be held definitely
+in Sark (Channel Islands) on December 23rd. He has hired the entire
+Cunard and White Star Fleets for the day, and those who cannot find
+standing room on the island will be provided with seats and telescopes
+in the ships' riggings. All will be welcome at fifty guineas a head.
+
+_New York, October 6th, 1924._--DEMPSEY denies that he is meeting
+CARPENTIER on December 23rd. He laughs at the idea of fighting for
+L100,000.
+
+"Heaven knows I am not mercenary," he says, "but there's such a thing
+as a living wage."
+
+_London, October 7th, 1924._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN, in an interview
+granted to our reporter yesterday, says that he has done with
+fight-promoting for ever and will in future concentrate on performing
+seals.
+
+_London, October 10th, 1924._--A sensation was caused at the Circle
+last night when an old man jumped unannounced into the ring and
+offered to fight anyone living to a finish for five pounds and a
+pint of beer for the sheer fun of the thing. The disturber, who was
+obviously out of his senses, was quickly removed. His identity has not
+so far been established, but he is thought to be a fighter of the old
+school escaped from confinement.
+
+No authoritative announcement has been made as to who will assume Mr.
+COCHRAN'S extensive boxing engagements, but rumour is busy with the
+name of Mr. MALLABY-DEELEY.
+
+_New York, January 31st, 1925._--Mr. W. BRADY, the veteran
+fight-promoter, has signed up J. DEMPSEY and GEORGES CARPENTIER to
+meet at Havana, Cuba, on Easter Monday, 1925. DEMPSEY will draw
+L200,000, CARPENTIER L150,000.
+
+_New York, February 8th, 1925._--Following Mr. W. BRADY'S
+announcement, Mr. TEX RICKARDS (promoter of the JEFFRIES-JOHNSON
+contest) has now come forward, stating that DEMPSEY and CARPENTIER
+have signed a contract with him to fight at Nome, Alaska, on Shrove
+Tuesday, for a quarter-of-a-million each.
+
+_New York, February 19th, 1925._--Mr. C. B. COCHRAN, who arrived
+on the _Aquitania_ this morning, says that the two champions have
+contracted to meet under his management at Tristan d'Acunha on Good
+Friday for half-a-million each and a percentage on the popcorn and
+peanut sales.
+
+_New York, March 3rd, 1925._--With the view of lifting the national
+depression consequent on the hitch in the world's championship
+arrangements, Mr. HENRY FORD, whose successes as a mediator are
+celebrated, is labouring to bring about a conciliatory meeting between
+the rival promoters.
+
+_New York, July 12th, 1925._--Mr. HENRY FORD'S efforts, fortified by
+the prayers of the Rev. WILLIAM SUNDAY, have at length borne fruit.
+Messrs. BRADY, COCHRAN and RICKARDS have consented to talk matters
+over. The White House has been placed entirely at the disposal of the
+promoters, their families, secretaries, legal advisers, etc.
+
+_Washington, D.C., July 20th, 1925._--Mr. HENRY FORD'S "Peace Party"
+has not proved an unqualified success. Battle royal broke out among
+the delegates at noon yesterday. Messrs. BRADY, COCHRAN and RICKARDS
+have been taken to hospital, but are not expected to recover. The
+White House is in ruins.
+
+
+THE GREAT FIGHT.
+
+_Geneva, July 4th, 1960._--The fight for the Heavyweight Championship
+of the World, held under the auspices of the League of Nations, took
+place yesterday before a gigantic crowd. DEMPSEY, who now wears a
+flowing white beard, was wheeled into the ring in a bath-chair.
+CARPENTIER, now wholly bald, appeared on crutches and was seconded
+by two trained nurses and his youngest grandson. Both champions
+were assisted to their feet by their supporters, shook hands and
+immediately clinched. In this clinch they remained throughout the
+entire round, fast asleep. At the opening of the second round they
+attempted to clinch again, but missed each other, overbalanced
+and went to the mat. Neither could be persuaded to get up, and
+consequently both were counted out.
+
+It is therefore impossible to say who won or who lost, and the
+Heavyweight Championship of the World remains as open a question as
+ever.
+
+PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Second_ (_to stout entrant in a Novice Competition_).
+"NOW, DON'T FORGET--AS SOON AS THE BELL GOES RUSH AT 'IM AN' KEEP
+FLITTIN' IN AN' OUT LIKE BITS O' FORKED LIGHTNIN'."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+EVE VICTORIOUS.
+
+"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?" said Christopher.
+
+"Christopher," I answered, "girls are the very dickens. You can't
+trust 'em. Never have anything to do with girls, my boy."
+
+"I'm not going to," said Christopher.
+
+This is what we said to each other afterwards. If either of us had
+thought of it before---- But that's the usual way, of course.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Christopher and I were sitting by the fire. We were very peaceful and
+happy together, pretending to look at a book but really doing nothing
+at all.
+
+Then Dorothy came into the room. Dorothy is Christopher's cousin and
+six years old. Not that her age matters--six, sixteen or sixty, they
+are all the same.
+
+"What are you doing?" inquired Dorothy.
+
+"Nothing," murmured Christopher contentedly.
+
+"I wanted you to come and play with me."
+
+Christopher shuffled uneasily and I came to the rescue.
+
+"Not now, Dorothy," I said; "we are too comfortable. Come and have a
+look at this book with us."
+
+Dorothy looked at me as though she had just realised my presence.
+
+"I want Christopher to come and play with me," she repeated.
+
+Christopher has a fine old-fashioned idea of a host's duty to his
+guests. He stifled a yawn and slid from my knee.
+
+"All right, Dorothy," he said. "What shall we play?"
+
+Dorothy skipped like a young lamb. "Hide and Seek," she sang. "I'll go
+and hide. Don't look till I call."
+
+She danced gaily and triumphantly out of the room.
+
+Now I don't mind being snubbed and I certainly shouldn't trouble about
+a spot of a child who ought to have been kept in the nursery. Of
+course it's ridiculous even to begin explaining, isn't it? The thing's
+obvious. No, I felt that Dorothy should be taught a lesson; that is
+all. I thought it would be good for her.
+
+"That settles Dorothy," I said deliberately. "Now we can go on
+reading."
+
+"But she wants me to go and look for her," explained Christopher.
+
+"Then let her want," I said shortly. "We can't always
+be---- Christopher, we'll have a game with Dorothy. We'll stop where we
+are and let her look for herself."
+
+Christopher chuckled. "She'll be awfully angry," he said uncertainly.
+
+"Good!" said I.
+
+"Cooee!" came a voice from the far-away. We laughed guiltily to
+ourselves and settled down in the chair. The scheme proceeded
+according to plan.
+
+After sundry shrieks and screeches and whistles Dorothy grew impatient
+and adopted bolder tactics.
+
+"You can't find me," she called hopefully.
+
+I felt that it was time for a little encouragement.
+
+"I wonder where she can be?" I said loudly.
+
+There was a long silence. At last Dorothy grew desperate. "Look under
+the armchair in the hall," she called.
+
+Christopher and I smiled to ourselves. Then suddenly we heard her
+creeping towards the door. I blame Christopher for what followed.
+
+"She's coming," he whispered excitedly. "Let's hide."
+
+There was no time to think. We slipped rapidly under the table. A
+ridiculous thing to do, of course; so undignified. I kick myself when
+I think of it, but at the time---- Well, it was Christopher's fault for
+getting excited. So there we were squashed under the table when the
+door opened and Dorothy appeared.
+
+"I don't believe----" she began, and then stopped. "Why, they're
+not here," she gasped. And then Christopher spoilt everything by
+spluttering. I strangled him at once and we hoped that Dorothy hadn't
+heard. We saw her legs standing very still by the door. Then they
+moved quickly round the table to the fireplace. Christopher and I held
+our breaths and waited. We saw that Dorothy was pulling our chair
+round to face the fire. Then she sat herself in it and all we could
+see was the back of the chair.
+
+There was a great silence. Christopher and I looked at each other and
+decided that something must be done.
+
+I cleared my throat quietly. "Cooee!" I fluted.
+
+Dorothy began to sing a hymn in a loud voice.
+
+And then Cecilia came into the room.
+
+Now Cecilia is Christopher's mother and my sister. You will understand
+that neither Christopher nor I would care to appear ridiculous in
+front of her. So we kept quiet.
+
+"Hallo, Dorothy," said Cecilia; "all by yourself? Where's
+Christopher?"
+
+"I'm reading Christopher's book," said Dorothy, ignoring the question.
+"May I?"
+
+"Of course, dear," said Cecilia, sitting down. There was a lot more
+silence. It grew very hot and uncomfortable under the table.
+
+"What shall we do, Uncle?" whispered Christopher.
+
+"Come on," I said desperately. We crawled out and stood up.
+
+"What on earth----" began Cecilia.
+
+I managed a watery smile. "_Here_ we are," I said to Dorothy.
+
+Dorothy looked at us in surprise.
+
+"You _are_ untidy," she said. "Whatever have you been doing?"
+
+Christopher swallowed indignantly. "We were playing 'Hide and Seek'
+with you," he said.
+
+"Oh, I stopped playing a long time ago," said Dorothy. "I'm reading
+now." She turned to our book again. Cecilia began to laugh.
+
+"Come and have a wash, Christopher," I said in a strangled voice, and
+we moved off sheepishly.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Aren't girls funny, Uncle Alan?" said Christopher.
+
+"Christopher," I answered, "girls are the very----" Well, I told you
+at the beginning what we said to each other.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+HIGH EXPLOSIVE ART.
+
+    [_The Morning Post_ has been conducting a vigorous campaign
+    against singers who dispense with careful and prolonged training,
+    and by their spasmodic and declamatory style suggest the title of
+    "gaspers."]
+
+  Oh, all young folk of tuneful aims
+    And fancy names like Joan and Jasper,
+  I hope you'll read (and duly heed)
+    _The Morning Post_ upon the "gasper."
+
+  'Tis not the "fag" that is turned down,
+    Though that often proves a rasper
+  Upon the larynx; here the noun
+    Denotes the human, singing gasper.
+
+  Rome was not builded in a day,
+    Nor even row-boats (_teste_ CLASPER);
+  No more are voices which will stay,
+    Unlike the organ of the gasper.
+
+  Attorneys need, before they start,
+    Five years of training, but the grasper
+  Who grudges one to vocal art
+    Will end, as he began, a gasper.
+
+  Wherefore, ye men and maids who chant,
+    Refrain at all costs from exasper-
+  ating _The Morning Post_, which can't
+    Abide the methods of the gasper.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Another Impending Apology.
+
+    "St. ---- Hall was filled last night with people, with Scottish
+    song--and with fog. Perhaps nothing but the ---- Orpheus Choir
+    could have done that."--_Scottish Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "THE JAPANESE BUDGET.
+
+    Tokio, Tuesday.
+
+    The Cabinet has approved of the Budget, which totals 1,562 million
+    yen (about 2s.)."
+
+    _Jersey Paper._
+
+Mr. CHAMBERLAIN, please copy.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE POWER OF SENTIMENT.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+LITTLE BITS OF LONDON.
+
+BOND STREET.
+
+I find it very difficult to walk slowly down Bond Street as one
+ought to do; I always feel so guilty. Most of the people there look
+scornfully at me as if I belonged to Whitechapel, and the rest look
+suspiciously at me as if I belonged to Bond Street. My clothes are
+neither good enough nor bad enough. So I hurry through with the tense
+expression of a man who is merely using Bond Street as a thoroughfare,
+because it is the way to his dentist--as indeed in my case it is.
+But recently I _did_ saunter in the proper way, and I took a most
+thrilling inventory of the principal classes of shops, the results of
+which have now been tabulated by my statistical department.
+
+For instance, do you know how many shops in the street sell things for
+ladies to wear (not including boots, jewellery or shoes)? No? Well,
+there are thirty-three. Not many, is it? But then there are twenty-one
+jewellers (including pearl shops) and eight boot and/or shoe shops; so
+that, with two sort of linen places, which may fairly be reckoned
+as female, the ladies' total is sixty-four. I only counted a
+hundred-and-fifty shops altogether. Of that total, nine are places
+where men can buy things to wear, and ten are places where they can
+buy things to smoke; I have charitably debited all the cigarette-shops
+to the men, even the ones where the cigarettes are tipped with
+rose-leaves and violet-petals. But even if I do that and give the men
+the two places where you can buy guns and throw in the one garden-seat
+shop, we are left with the result:--
+
+    Feminine Shops.            Masculine Shops.
+
+    Dress                33    Dress         9
+    Jewellers            21    Tobacco      10
+    Boots and Shoes       8    Motors        9
+    Sort of Linen Places  2    Guns          2
+    Dog Bureau            1    Garden Seats  1
+                         --                 --
+                         65                 31
+
+From these figures a firm of Manchester actuaries has drawn the
+startling conclusion that Bond Street is more used by women than by
+men. It may be so. But a more interesting question is, how do all
+these duplicates manage to carry on, considering the very reasonable
+prices they charge? At one point there are three jewellers in a row,
+with another one opposite. Not far off there are three cigarette-shops
+together, madly defying each other with gold-tips and silver-tips,
+cork-tips and velvet-tips, rose-tips and lily-tips. There is only one
+book-shop, of course, but there are about nine picture-places. How do
+they all exist? It is mysterious.
+
+Especially when you consider how much trouble they take to avoid
+attracting attention. There are still one or two window-dressers
+who lower the whole tone of the street by adhering to the
+gaudy-overcrowded style; but the majority, in a violent reaction
+from that, seem to have rushed to the wildest extremes of the
+simple-unobtrusive. They are delightful, I think, those reverent
+little windows with the chaste curtains and floors of polished walnut,
+in the middle of which reposes delicately a single toque, a single
+chocolate or a single pearl. Some of the picture-places are among
+the most modest. There is one window which suggests nothing but the
+obscure branch of a highly-decayed bank in the dimmest cathedral town.
+On the dingy screen which entirely fills the window is written simply
+in letters which time has almost erased, "---- ---- PICTURES." Nothing
+could be less enticing. Yet inside, I daresay, fortunes are made
+daily. I noticed no trace of this method at the Advertisers'
+Exhibition; they might give it a trial.
+
+Now no doubt you fondly think that Bond Street is wholly devoted to
+luxuries; perhaps you have abandoned your dream of actually buying
+something in Bond Street? You are wrong. To begin with, there are
+about ten places where you can buy food, and, though there is no pub.
+now, there is a cafe (with a licence). There are two grocers and a
+poulterer. There is even a fish-shop--you didn't know that, did you? I
+am bound to say it seemed to have only the very largest fish, but they
+were obviously fish.
+
+Anyone can go shopping in Bond Street. I knew a clergyman once who
+went in and asked for a back-stud. He was afterwards unfrocked for
+riotous living, but the stud was produced. You can buy a cauliflower
+in Bond Street--if you know the ropes. There is a shop which merely
+looks like a very beautiful florist's. There are potatoes in the
+window, it is true, but they are "hot-house" ones; inside there is
+no trace of a common vegetable. But if you ask facetiously for a
+cauliflower (as I did) the young lady will disappear below ground and
+actually return with a real cauliflower (_de luxe_, of course). I
+remember few more embarrassing episodes.
+
+And if you like to inquire at the magnificent provision-merchant's he
+too will conjure up from the magic cellars boot-cream and metal-polish
+and all those vulgar groceries which make life possible. That is the
+secret of Bond Street. Beneath that glittering display of luxurious
+trivialities there are vast reserves of solid prosaic necessaries,
+only waiting to be asked for. A man could live exclusively on Bond
+Street. I don't know where you would buy your butchers' meat, but I
+have a proud fancy that, if you went in and said something to one of
+those sleek and sorrowful jewellers, he too would vanish underground
+and blandly return to you with a jewelled steak or a plush chop.
+
+Many years ago, they tell me, there _was_ a butcher in Bond Street.
+Perhaps you dealt there. For my part I was not eating much meat in
+those days. But I can imagine his window--a perfect little grotto of
+jasper and onyx, with stalactites of pure gold, and in the middle,
+resting on a genuine block of Arctic ice, an exquisite beef-sausage. I
+wish he would come back.
+
+It is difficult to realise that there is anything but shop-windows in
+Bond Street, but I like to think that, up there in those upper storeys
+which one never sees, there does dwell a self-contained little
+community to whom Bond Street is merely the village street, down which
+the housewives pass gossiping each morning to the greengrocer's or the
+fishmonger's and never purchase any pearls at all.
+
+When the butcher comes back I think I shall join them.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Father_. "LOOK HERE, BILLY, MR. SMITH CALLED AT THE
+OFFICE THIS MORNING ABOUT YOUR FIGHT WITH HIS BOY YESTERDAY."
+
+_Son_. "DID HE? I HOPE YOU GOT ON AS WELL AS I DID."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Joan_ (_whose mother has just bought her a pair of
+woollen gloves_). "OH, MUMMY, I WISH YOU HAD GOT KID. I HATE THIS
+KIND; THEY MAKE MY SWEETS SO HAIRY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SAD CASE OF EL GRECO.
+
+It was at the National Gallery, situated on the north side of
+Trafalgar Square, that I first made the acquaintance of one DOMENICO
+THEOTOCOPULI, a native of Crete, who--probably because his own people
+wanted him to be a stockbroker or something--set up as a painter
+in Spain, and was dubbed by the Dons "El Greco," as you might say
+"Scottie."
+
+For years I have been rather tickled by his manner of depicting Popes
+and Saints as if they were reflected in elongating mirrors labelled,
+"Before Dining at the Toreador Restaurant." But until quite lately
+I hardly ever met anyone who had even noticed him, so I felt quite
+bucked on the old chap's account when I heard that he was considered
+one of the most distinguished of the Spanish painters, past and
+present, who are on view just now at Burlington House.
+
+And what surprises me is not that old THEOTOCOPULI should attract so
+much attention in Piccadilly, but that such lots of people seem never
+to have known that he has been exhibiting himself all this time in
+Trafalgar Square.
+
+I'm sure Mrs. Bletherwood didn't, for one, when she tackled me at the
+Chattertons' the other afternoon.
+
+"Of course you've been to Burlington House?" she began, and she was in
+such a hurry to get first innings that she didn't give me time to say
+that I hadn't yet, but that I meant to go on my first free day that
+wasn't foggy.
+
+"Don't you _love_ those quaint 'El Grecos'?" she went on. "He's quite
+a discovery, don't you think? My daughter Muriel, who hopes to get
+into the Slade School soon now, says she doesn't see how anybody _can_
+see people differently from the way 'El Greco' saw people. And yet I
+don't know that I _quite_ like the idea of Muriel seeing _me_ like
+that, although she's _so_ clever...."
+
+I could not help thinking that in Mrs. Bletherwood's case the "El
+Greco" treatment would be an admirable corrective to a certain lateral
+expansion.
+
+"Besides," she continued in a confidential tone, "I've heard or read
+somewhere that there's just a doubt whether he distorted people on
+purpose or because there was something wrong with his eyes. If I
+thought it was astigmatism I would insist on taking Muriel to an
+oculist. I wonder what you think."
+
+I raised my teacup suggestively.
+
+Mrs. Bletherwood gasped. "You don't mean that he----"
+
+"Like a fish," I said.
+
+"Oh, how too disgraceful!" she exclaimed. "Fancy their having his
+pictures there at all. Such religious subjects too. I shall warn
+Muriel at once. I'm so thankful you told me...."
+
+Have I done a wrong to Senor DOMENICO THEOTOCOPULI ("El Greco")?
+Perhaps; but I hope it has prevented Miss Muriel Bletherwood from
+doing him a greater.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Sun Sets This Morning     8.8
+     Sun Sets To-night         3.56"
+
+    _Liverpool Paper_.
+
+Just as in London last Wednesday.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Vicar's Wife_. "THE VICAR WAS ASKING ONLY THIS MORNING
+WHY YOU WEREN'T IN THE HABIT OF ATTENDING CHURCH."
+
+_Latest Inhabitant_. "WELL, YOU SEE, IT DOES SO CUT INTO ONE'S SUNDAYS."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+CURES FOR INSOMNIA.
+
+The following correspondence, clearly intended for the Editor of _The
+Daily Ailment_, has found its way into our letter-box. Another example
+of post-office inefficiency.
+
+SIR,--As a regular reader of your valuable journal I am always deeply
+interested in the views of your readers as expressed in its columns.
+The recent letters on the cure of insomnia have interested me
+particularly. Although I have read your paper for many years, always
+eaten standard bread, study most diligently each morning my lesson
+on Government wobble and waste, grow sweet peas, keep fowls, take my
+holidays early (in Thanet) and read the feuilleton, in short perform
+all the duties of an enthusiastic loyal Englishman, I cannot sleep.
+Yesterday I decided to try the remedies suggested by your readers.
+
+After inviting sleep with "a dish of boiled onions" I found that I
+must go to bed "without having eaten anything for five hours or so."
+This meant sitting up very late, but I found the time useful for
+taking "deep long breaths." Meanwhile I ran through the names of
+my friends alphabetically and emptied the feathers from my pillow,
+replacing them with hops. Sometimes a hop got mixed up in a "deep long
+breath," which was rather pleasant.
+
+Every few minutes I left my friends' names to say to myself, "I am
+terribly sleepy," or "I am falling asleep;" this was wrong, as the
+boiled onions had not had nearly five hours. "Relaxing all my muscles"
+was rather awkward, as one hand was filling the pillow with hops and
+the other was "holding a wet sponge," which _would_ drip water on
+the sheets. Another difficulty was "wafting myself in an imaginary
+aeroplane" to bring about "a state of oblivion and coma," which I
+might perhaps have done more easily by putting the hops to another
+use.
+
+I had to cut out the "recital of the Litany," partly because my
+friends' names had only got as far as George (Lloyd), and also
+because, being a Nonconformist, I don't know it. (I must learn it now
+the feuilleton is finishing.)
+
+But the most annoying part of the business was to find that, after all
+this elaborate preparation for sleep, I was to "take a brisk walk for
+half-an-hour" (whatever the weather conditions). Even this did not
+work, for by that time the milkmen and newsboys were heralding the
+dawn and kept my brain too alert.
+
+As a final effort, do you think you could produce a nightcap model
+of the Sandringham, or is it quite impossible for one who reads your
+paper to be anything but wideawake?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE PERFECT PARTNER.
+
+  There are, my Mabel, men who vow
+    The perfect wife is theirs
+  Because she smoothes the ruffled brow
+    And drives away their cares;
+  While there are others hold the view
+    That she is best who'll pay
+  Some trivial attention to
+    Her promise to obey.
+
+  Well, let each babble in his turn
+    About that spouse of his;
+  Not knowing you, how could they learn
+    What true perfection is?
+  Of all your sex you stand most high
+    By far and very far
+  Who mid your Christmas gifts can buy
+    A smokeable cigar.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE ECONOMISTS.
+
+SCENE.--_The Coalition Golf Club de luxe_.
+
+MR. BONAR LAW. "DARE WE HAVE CADDIES?"
+
+MR. LLOYD GEORGE. "NO, NO. WE ARE OBSERVED. THE PLACE IS ALIVE WITH
+ELECTORS."
+
+("Watch your M.P.!"--_Poster of Anti-Waste Press_.)]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
+
+[Illustration: THURSDAY.
+
+[After the Painting by W. DENDY SADLER.]
+
+SIR D. MACLEAN, MR. HOGGE, MR. G. LAMBERT, MR. G. R. THORNE, MR.
+ASQUITH, MR. ACLAND, GENERAL SEELY.]
+
+_Monday, December 6th._--"Logic has never governed Ireland and never
+will," said Lord MIDLETON to-day. It was certainly conspicuous by its
+absence from a good many of the speeches made in Committee on the
+Government of Ireland Bill. Representatives of Southern Ireland have
+been clamouring for greater financial control, but they quite changed
+their tone when Clause 24, enabling the Irish Parliaments to impose
+a surtax upon residents in Ireland, came up for discussion.
+While professing the greatest confidence in the desire of their
+fellow-countrymen to treat them fairly, Lords DROGHEDA, SLIGO and
+WICKLOW agreed in thinking that this was too dangerous a power to
+entrust to them; it would breed absenteeism and drive capital out of
+the country.
+
+Lord FINLAY, to whom as a Scotsman logic still makes appeal, was for
+the deletion of the whole clause. But the Irish Peers again objected;
+for they desired to preserve for the Irish Parliaments power to remit
+Imperial taxes, on the off-chance that some day it might be exercised.
+And they carried their point.
+
+According to Lieut.-Colonel CROFT the pencils used by the British
+Post-Office are procured from the United States. As one who has
+suffered I can only hope that Anglo-American friendship, already
+somewhat strained by the bacon episode, will survive this revelation.
+
+On the strength of a rumour that the seed of Irish peace had been
+planted in Downing Street, Mr. HOGGE promptly essayed to root it up in
+order to observe its progress towards fruition. The PRIME MINISTER,
+however, gave no encouragement to his well-intentioned efforts. Nor
+did he satisfy Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY'S curiosity as to whether
+Father O'FLANAGAN was "a Sinn Feiner on the bridge," beyond saying
+"that is what we want to find out."
+
+_Tuesday, December 7th._--After a week's interval for reflection and
+study Lord LINCOLNSHIRE moved the rejection of the Agriculture Bill.
+Adapting an old joke of Lord SPENCER'S, made in "another place" a
+generation ago, he observed that this was no more an agricultural Bill
+than he himself was an agricultural labourer. He knows however how
+to call a spade a spade, if not something more picturesque, and he
+treated the measure and its authors to all the resources of a varied
+vocabulary. Possibly his brother peers, while enjoying his invective,
+thought that it had been a little bit overdone, for of the subsequent
+speakers only Lord HINDLIP announced his intention of voting against
+the Bill, the others being of opinion that parts of it were, not
+excellent perhaps, but at least tolerable.
+
+In the Commons Viscount CURZON pressed upon the Government the
+desirability of licensing side-car combinations as taxi-cabs. The idea
+might, one feels, appeal to a Coalition Government but Sir JOHN BAIRD
+for the Home Office hinted at the existence of "serious objections."
+
+Collectively the House has an infantile mind. It went into kinks of
+laughter over a question put by Dr. MURRAY regarding the "daily mail
+service" between one of his beloved islands and the Scottish mainland.
+The author of the joke--and small blame to him--quite failed to
+appreciate how funny he had been until his neighbours muttered in
+stage-whispers, "_Daily Mail!_" "_Daily Mail!_" Then a wan smile broke
+over his own features.
+
+It has been stated in certain newspapers that Mr. CHAMBERLAIN has
+refused the Viceroyalty of India in consequence of the weak state of
+his health, and that for the same cause he is likely to vacate shortly
+the Chancellorship of the Exchequer. All I can say is that on the
+Treasury Bench he betrays no outward sign of this regrettable debility
+when dealing with critics of the Treasury. It is not easy to puncture
+the _aes triplex_ of Mr. BOTTOMLEY, but two words from Mr. CHAMBERLAIN
+did it this afternoon.
+
+Sir ROBERT HORNE got a second reading for the Dyes Bill, a measure which
+he commended as being necessary to protect what is a key-industry both
+in peace and war. Dye-stuffs and poison-gas are, it seems, inextricably
+intermingled, and unless the Bill is passed we shall be able neither to
+dye ourselves nor to poison our enemies.
+
+_Wednesday, December 8th._--The Agriculture Bill found one
+thoroughgoing supporter in the Duke of MARLBOROUGH, an "owner-occupier"
+so enamoured of Government control that he desires to see the whole of
+the ditches and hedges of England administered out of public funds; and
+a host of critics, friendly and otherwise. Lord CHAPLIN, though he
+thought the Bill one of the worst ever introduced, declined to vote
+against the Second Reading; Lord HARRIS believed that it would make
+very little difference one way or the other; Lord RIBBLESDALE, as an
+old-fashioned Free Trader, would have nothing to do with it; Lord LOVAT
+was of opinion that as an insurance for our food supply it would not
+compare with a Channel Tunnel; and Lord BUCKMASTER feared that it would
+rather strengthen than allay the demand for land nationalisation. The
+Government approached the division in some trepidation and were the
+more rejoiced when, in an unusually big House, the Second Reading was
+carried by 123 votes to 85.
+
+But for the self-sacrifice of Mr. SPEAKER the Commons would have made
+themselves ridiculous this evening. Major ARCHER-SHEE wanted to have
+up a certain newspaper for breach of privilege in endeavouring to
+dictate to Members how they should vote. He obtained leave to move the
+adjournment and would doubtless have provided the peccant journal with
+a valuable free advertisement had not Mr. LOWTHER, reckless of his
+reputation for infallibility, suddenly remembered that motions for the
+adjournment were intended for criticising the Government and not for
+rebuking irresponsible outsiders. At his request the gallant Major
+withdrew his motion, and _The Daily_ ---- lost its advertisement.
+
+Invigorated by this episode the House--or what was left of it--resumed
+the Report stage of the Ministry of Health Bill. The debate was
+remarkable for the brevity of some of the speeches. Sir ROWLAND BLADES
+set a good example to new Members by making a "maiden" effort in a
+minute and a half. But his record was easily beaten by Mr. SEXTON, who
+found ten seconds sufficient for expressing his opinion that the
+fact that the House was trying to legislate in the small hours was
+sufficient proof of the necessity of extending the laws of lunacy.
+"_Si argumentum requiris circumspice_," he might have said as he gazed
+upon the recumbent and yawning figures around him.
+
+_Thursday, December 9th._--Mr. BONAR LAW enumerated a portentous list
+of measures which the House of Commons must pass if it wants to enjoy
+its Christmas holidays in peace. Lord HUGH CECIL wanted to know what
+was the use of passing "all these foolish little Bills." Mr. PEMBERTON
+BILLING had another solution for the difficulty and asked, "Why not
+pass them all _ad hoc_?" meaning, it is supposed, "_en bloc_."
+
+Well might the PRIME MINISTER remark at Question-time that he welcomed
+the attacks of a certain section of the Press on the "Wastrels"
+because then he knew the Government was all right. Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT
+made a lively speech in support of his proposal to "ration" the
+Government to a sum of L808,000,000--the amount Mr. CHAMBERLAIN had
+said would suffice for a normal year. But his criticisms were too
+discursive to be really dangerous, and his condemnation of "sloppy
+Socialism" put up the backs of the Labour Party.
+
+The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER reminded the House that when he talked
+of a "normal Budget" he had been careful to add, "but not this year,
+next year or the year after," which sounds suspiciously like the
+nursery formula, "This year, next year, sometime, NEVER."
+
+Still the great majority of the Members were only too anxious to be
+convinced, and passed by a huge majority the "blanketing" amendment of
+Sir GODFREY COLLINS in favour of economy in the abstract. I don't know
+how this is to be squared with the PRIME MINISTER'S theory that it
+is the business of the Government "to see that the population is
+contented." That sounds a little like _panem et circenses_--a policy
+which did not work out cheaply.
+
+_Friday, December 10th._--With the air of one who has something fresh
+and strange to impart the PRIME MINISTER informed the House of Commons
+to-day that in regard to Ireland "the Government are determined on a
+double policy." The novelty presumably consists in putting those
+old stagers, conciliation and coercion, hitherto only tried
+tandem-fashion, into double harness. Martial law is to be introduced
+in certain of the most disturbed districts, and at the same time
+such Sinn Fein M.P.'s as are not "on the run" are to be called into
+conference. On the face of it the prospect looks unpromising, but
+happily Ireland is essentially the place where nothing happens save
+the unexpected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Actor-Manager of Touring Company._ "CONFOUND OUR LUCK!
+THE LEADING LADY HAS DESERTED US IN OUR HOUR OF NEED--ELOPED WITH THE
+OSTLER FROM YONDER PUBLIC-HOUSE--ON _THIS_ OF ALL EVENINGS, WHEN THE
+AUDIENCE THREATENS TO OUTNUMBER THE CAST."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Macdonald._ "MAN SANDY, ARE YE BOGGIT?" _Sandy._ "AY,
+MACDONALD, I'M BOGGIT."
+
+_Macdonald._ "YE CANNA GET OOT?" _Sandy._ "I'M NO BIDING HERE FOR THE
+PLEESURE O 'T!"
+
+_Macdonald._ "I DOOT YE'D LIKE FINE TO COME OOT?" _Sandy._ "AY, I
+WOULD THAT."
+
+_Macdonald._ "WEEL, 'TWAD BE A CHRISTIAN ACT TO PULL YE OOT, BUT
+_VERRA_ DEEFFICULT--UNLESS YE'VE NO FAIRTHER USE FOR YOUR RED COO."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+MAKING THE LAW POPULAR.
+
+A writer in an evening contemporary complains that one has some
+difficulty in finding the notices to jurors in the newspapers.
+
+We have often thought that more prominence might be given to the Law
+Notices generally. Printed in the smallest type and abbreviated almost
+beyond understanding, they are by no means the brightest item of news.
+
+Would it not be an advantage to hand the department over to a smart
+paragraphist? Readers might then be entertained by something like the
+following:--
+
+Visitors to the Law Courts to-day should on no account fail to look in
+at King's Bench XIII., which is one of the cosiest of our beautiful
+Courts of Justice. Here will be continued the scintillating contest
+between Sir Anthony Prius, K.C., and that rising young barrister,
+Mr. Terry Blee-Smart, K.C. It is more than probable that the
+cross-examination of the humorous butcher will continue through most
+of the day.
+
+The first case on the list in the Lord Chief's Court to-day is
+no other than _The King_ v. _The Dean and Chapter of Mumborough
+Cathedral_. While it is not expected that his Majesty's engagements
+will permit him to be present, an action of this character is fraught
+with more than common interest, since it must be seldom that the Royal
+House finds itself in such conflict with the Church as to resort to
+the arbitrament of the law.
+
+We see no reason why some legal engagements should not be boldly
+displayed, the more readily to catch the reader's eye. Why not the
+following:--
+
+        ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE.
+        ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE.
+        ROYAL COURTS OF JUSTICE.
+      YOU MUST NOT MISS THIS!
+        Chancery Court No. 29,
+              Before
+        Mr. Justice Howling,
+  _Binks_ v. _Arcana Cinema Company, Ltd._
+
+As one of the leading comedians of the day Mr. TIM BINKS never fails
+to create roars of laughter, and with Mr. JUSTICE HOWLING may be
+relied upon to put up a show provocative of never-failing mirth.
+
+
+CHEER YOURSELF UP! ADMISSION FREE!
+
+  Whether it's wet or whether it's fine,
+  Visit Chancery Twenty-nine.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
+
+  THE LOBSTER.
+
+  The lobster is an oblong crab
+    With one or two antennae;
+  I fancy life would be less drab
+    If people had as many.
+
+  I think he uses them to smell,
+    But what he most enjoys
+  Is rubbing them against his shell;
+    It makes a funny noise.
+
+  He rubs away like anything,
+    And you should see his face!
+  Alas, he thinks that he can sing;
+    But that is not the case.
+
+  He's very sensitive and shy;
+    At last when he is dead
+  _He knows the truth_--and that is why
+    He goes so very red.
+
+ A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Your System appealed to me as a rational means of exercise
+    without undue fatigue, and I started on the 10th of March, 1920.
+    I was then in my 75th year, and now within only two months of
+    completing the 85th." _Advt. in Sunday Paper_.
+
+If he keeps it up he should be a centenarian by about the end of next
+year. One seems to age rather rapidly under this system.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE OTHER HALF.
+
+I was sitting by Anderson's fire the other day when his telephone bell
+rang. He made the usual insincere exclamation of disgust--as insincere
+as the horror we simulate when a bundle of letters is brought into
+the room, to have letters and to be called up on the telephone being
+really adventures and therefore welcome; and he then crossed the room
+to answer the call.
+
+"Shall I go?" I asked, thinking that he might prefer to be alone.
+
+"Oh, no," he said, and I remained. I was not trying to overhear, but
+it couldn't be helped.
+
+This is the conversation (his half) that I heard:--
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Speaking. Who is it?"
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting horribly nervous. How is he?"
+
+"Good Heavens! I was afraid he might be. What do you think?"
+
+"Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know."
+
+"I'll think about it and let you know."
+
+"Quite likely. I'll go into that and let you know. She can't be
+absolutely alone anyway. There must be another some time."
+
+"And what do you propose to do now?"
+
+"You're sure it will be painless?"
+
+"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything."
+
+"Thank you very much. I shall tell my wife he died in his sleep.
+Good-bye."
+
+What, I wonder, would you have made of that? Some telephone
+conversations are easy to construct, but this to me was a puzzle. What
+had Anderson been up to? It must be an awful moment, I have often
+thought as I read divorce and other cases, when a friend is suddenly
+turned into a witness; and I had the feeling that that might be my lot
+now. Those clever cross-examining devils, they can get anything out of
+you. If Anderson had known who was ringing him up he would probably
+(so I reasoned) have got me out of the room; but, having once started,
+he decided to brazen it out as the less suspicious way.
+
+As so often happens, however, I was wrong. This is the whole innocent
+conversation:--
+
+"Is that 1260?"
+
+"Yes."
+
+"Is Mr. Anderson there?"
+
+"Speaking. Who is it?"
+
+"Harding, the veterinary surgeon."
+
+"Oh, I'm so glad! I was getting horribly nervous. How is he?"
+
+"He's worse."
+
+"Good Heavens! I was afraid he might be. What do you think?"
+
+"I think we had better put an end to him."
+
+"Of course I must trust you. But we must never let my wife know."
+
+"Shall I be looking about for another?"
+
+"I'll think about it and let you know."
+
+"Perhaps a totally different breed would be better; not another Peke.
+There'd be fewer unhappy associations then, don't you see?"
+
+"Quite likely. I'll go into that and let you know. She can't be
+absolutely alone, anyway. There must be another some time."
+
+"Yes."
+
+"And what do you propose to do now?"
+
+"Oh, I'll give him poison."
+
+"You're sure it will be painless?"
+
+"Quite."
+
+"I wouldn't have him suffer for anything."
+
+"That will be all right."
+
+"Thank you very much. I shall tell my wife he died in his sleep.
+Good-bye."
+
+E. V. L.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE MOUNTAIN AND THE PROPHETS.
+
+My dear Charles,--At Geneva there is, and was long before the arrival
+of the League of Nations, a mountain. There are many mountains in
+Switzerland, but Geneva's private mountain happens to be in France.
+It is called "The Saleve," a nasty name, but not of my choosing. If,
+being in Geneva, you want to go up The Saleve (as I personally do not)
+you have first to get your passport off the police. The police are
+always a little difficult about passports, but, if you mention the
+name of The Saleve, you will find them easier. You have next to obtain
+the French _visa_ in order to get out of Geneva; then the Swiss _visa_
+in order to get back again. Thus provided you have to compete with a
+complicated and long-drawn process of trams and frontier controls;
+even so you find yourself at the bottom and not at the top of The
+Saleve.
+
+Being a busy (or shall we say idle?) man yourself, you will thus
+understand the reasons of my policy; if the mountain will not come to
+MAHOMED then MAHOMED and the mountain are best kept apart.
+
+The inhabitants of Geneva have long been contriving, intriguing, I
+will even say complotting, to get me up The Saleve. My doctor, having
+made me thoroughly interested in myself, got on to the subject of
+exercise; when my banker passed from the subject of interest on
+overdrafts to the advisability of my seeing the great Geneva view, it
+was undoubtedly blackmail; and as for my dentist--well, you know what
+dentists are and what mean advantages they take. But this one, I
+think, over-stepped the limit when he allowed the crown of my tooth to
+remind him of the crown of Mont Blanc; paused in fixing the former to
+descant on the beauties of the latter; told me that from The Saleve
+I should get a better view of the latter than he, where he was, was
+getting of the former; asked me almost simultaneously if he was
+hurting me and if I had been up The Saleve, and told me that I must go
+up it and (which I took to mean "or") that he might have to hurt me.
+
+That was the most critical moment in the whole Battle of The Saleve;
+the military critics are unanimous that I should have then said, "I
+will go up," had I been in a position to say anything at all. Saved by
+the gag, I have won the war against the Genevois.
+
+I have taken the standpoint of the prophet, who, as you know, is not
+without honour abroad--a prophet with the policy outlined above. When
+a prophet of my sort decides on a policy, and that policy consists of
+doing nothing, he takes a lot of shifting, even on the flat. And there
+the matter and I remained, when there arrived from England, on or
+about November 15th, a positive cloud of prophets, intent on the
+League of Nations. The busiest figure among them is the secretary of
+one of the delegates. Pretending to be my best friend he sought the
+occasion of a heart-to-heart with me. I took it he wanted to discuss
+Nations; it appeared he wanted to discuss mountains. I hoped he was
+considering them generally in mass, possibly with the view of making a
+League of them. He was thinking in the particular, and you can guess
+what particular. He was beginning to think of wanting to go up It.
+
+In an effective speech, which brought tears to my eyes but merely gave
+him an opportunity to fill and light his pipe, I put all the "cons"
+before him, particularly the passport part. As a man speaking with the
+authority behind him of a world leagued together, he detailed all
+the "pros." We must act together, he and I; he would assemble the
+prophets, I the passports.
+
+I refused to be bullied by him. He named some major prophets, whom I
+should find it more difficult to withstand. His propaganda amongst
+them apparently began at once. Mark the sequence of events:--
+
+On Tuesday, November 16th, His Majesty's Minister-Plenipotentiary and
+Envoy-Extraordinary in Switzerland assembled the British element to
+dinner. I have reason to know that he had already been approached
+by the secretary. The Crown of Mont Blanc was freely discussed and
+curiosity was aroused as to the identity, the desirability, even the
+approachability of the nearer mountain.
+
+On Wednesday, November 17th, I ran into Lieut.-Col. His Highness the
+JAM SAHIB of NAWANAGAR--"RANJI," in brief. He was standing at the
+entrance of his hotel in significant meditation. The entrance of his
+hotel looks upon The Saleve and past it to the Crown of Mont Blanc.
+And that was where he looked.
+
+On Friday, November 19th, I found the Right Hon. G. N. BARNES walking
+along the Quai de Mont Blanc in the fatal direction. His eyebrows
+pointed relentlessly upward.
+
+On Saturday, November 20th, Mr. BALFOUR arrived. The secretary began
+to talk about a date for our excursion.
+
+On Sunday, November 21st, I became involved in conversation with Lord
+ROBERT CECIL in his room in his hotel. He moved towards the window,
+and as he did so Armenia, Vilna and all the Powers that want to come
+into the League and all the Powers that want to stay out of the League
+faded from his mind, and he called attention to the Crown of Mont
+Blanc and fixed his eagle eye upon the mole-hill in between.
+
+On Monday, November 22nd, the secretary came to me and ordered me to
+provide passports, duly _visaed_, for The Saleve party--seven in
+all, myself included. I told him that I would appeal direct to the
+delegates themselves, with whom I had already done some defensive
+propaganda on my own. He told me it was nothing to do with the
+delegates; it was the delegates' ladies. Fool that I was, I had never
+thought of them!
+
+That night I wrote in my diary: "At Geneva there is a mountain. It is
+called The Saleve--a nasty name for a nasty mountain. On Saturday I
+shall be on the top of it. I always knew that the League of Nations
+would make trouble."
+
+On Tuesday, November 23rd, I sent an emissary among the ladies to
+persuade them that the summit of The Saleve was loathsome. The
+emissary succeeded in establishing this point by contrasting it
+unfavourably with the Crown of Mont Blanc. The ladies thanked the
+emissary cordially for her most interesting information and said they
+would take steps to see the Crown of _Mont Blanc_ more nearly, even if
+those steps had to be up The Saleve.
+
+That night I wrote in my diary: "For a year I have fought and won, but
+on Saturday the Crown of Mont Blanc will witness my defeat, and the
+whole range of the Alps will look on in silent contempt."
+
+On Wednesday morning, November 24th, I met Mr. BALFOUR crossing the
+Pont du Mont Blanc. He was looking at It with that dreamy smile of
+his, which seems to laugh at the littleness of man and the futility of
+his policies. That finished me.
+
+On Wednesday night, November 24th-25th (read your paper to witness if
+I lie), the Crown of Mont Blanc fell off ... I have left The Saleve
+where it is. What does it matter now?
+
+Yours ever, Henry.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "HULLO, BROWN! FANCY RUNNING UP AGAINST YOU. HOW SMALL
+THE WORLD IS, TO BE SURE!"
+
+"Y-YES. TERRIBLY SMALL, ISN'T IT?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Enough Said.
+
+"Sir Henry apologised at the close for having made the lecture
+somewhat shorter than usual. Sir Donald ---- said that theirs was an
+unspoken gratitude to Sir Henry for having done what he had been able
+to do."--_Scots Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"MADRID, Dec. 8.
+
+"The Ministry of Public Works has announced that on January 15 next an
+opportunity will be offered to foreign firms to secure orders for 119
+railway engines and tenders needed by the Spanish railway companies.
+Tenders must be handed personally by a duly accredited representative
+of the firm making the offer."--_Times._
+
+The engines may, however, be done up in a parcel and sent by post in
+the usual manner.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Indian Servant (as telephone continues ringing)._
+"OH, SAR, DO NOT BE SO ANGRY. THE SAHIB IS COMING VERY QUICKLY, I TELL
+YOU."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE ARRIVAL OF THE MANX BALLET.
+
+The first visit of the Manx Ballet to London is undoubtedly the most
+outstanding feature in the annals of choregraphic and corybantic
+realism since the historic _premiere_ of the Botocudo Troupe on
+September 31st, 1919. And it is all the more welcome as an indication
+of the emergence of a native school, fully equipped in technique and
+scenic resource and, above all, imbued from start to finish with
+a high sense of the paramount importance of psycho-analysis in
+eliminating all supra-liminal elements from the orchestro-mimetic
+drama.
+
+The most ambitious as well as the most successful item in the
+programme presented on Saturday night at the Colossodrome was _The Cat
+of Ballasalla_, that wonderful old Manx legend of the Princess who
+was turned into a cat by the enchantments of the Wizard of Dhoon
+and subsequently sentenced to decaudation by the cruel Scandinavian
+invader, MAGNUS BARFOD. The scene of the trial in the great
+synclinorium of Greeba Castle--exhibiting contemporaneous
+carboniferous tuffs, soft argillaceous rocks with choriambic fossils
+as well as later dolerite dykes, amid which the feline amenities of
+the Princess were illustrated with miraculous agility by Miss Agneesh
+Crannoge--compares favourably with the most ambitious enormities ever
+perpetrated by the genius of BAKST, DIAGHILEV, or even COCODRILLO, the
+Sardinian neo-Gongorist.
+
+The music, which is chiefly founded on Manx folk-songs, developed
+and adapted by Mr. Orry Poolvash, is richly suggestive of the
+psycho-analytic basic aroma which pervades the entire scenario. The
+absence of a Coda in the Funeral March which concludes the ballet is
+an exquisitely pathetic touch which could only have occurred to a
+composer of genius. The orchestration is sumptuous and sonorous, the
+usual instruments being supplemented by two Glory Quayle-horns, a
+quartet of Laxey-phones with rotating C and C sharp crooks, a Manx
+harp with three strings, and a Miaowola, which gives out the Death
+Motive of the Princess at the various crises of the drama in tones of
+sublimated anguish and intensity.
+
+We have only space in this brief preliminary notice to remark that the
+programme includes a humorous extravaganza entitled _The Quirks of
+Quilliam_, in which a grotesque _pas de quatre_ for the _Deemster_,
+the _Doomster_, the _Boomster_ and the _Scrabster_, forms the central
+episode; and ends with a satiric sketch, _The Golden Calf of Man_,
+apparently aimed at the extravagance of Lancashire trippers, who are
+pursued by demons into Sulby Glen, and released, to the sound of
+sea-trumpets, by the beneficent intervention of _Lord Greeba_ on their
+promising to evacuate the island.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+GOLFING "IFS."
+
+  If you bring your own lunch
+  And frugally munch
+  Your sandwich and cake
+  For economy's sake;
+  If you strictly abstain
+  From sloe-gin and champagne,
+  Never touching a drop
+  Save perhaps ginger-pop;
+  If you're clever enough
+  To keep out of the rough,
+  If you don't slice or hook
+  Into pond, dyke or brook
+  Your new three-shilling ball,
+  And, best saving of all,
+  If you carry your clubs,
+  You can pay heavy "subs.,"
+  Fees for entrance and greens,
+  Without straining your means,
+  And, though you're a middle-
+    Class man, not a peer,
+  Agree with LORD RIDDELL
+    That golf isn't dear.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Cheery Sportsman._ "HAD SIX FALLS IN TWO DAYS, HAVE
+YOU? WELL, CHEER UP. YOUR LUCK'S BOUND TO CHANGE SOON. THESE THINGS
+ALWAYS COME IN CYCLES."
+
+_Rough Rider._ "MINE SEEM TO COME IN MOTOR LORRIES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+The news that Mr. STEPHEN LEACOCK has published a fresh series of
+burlesques will, I do not doubt, add to the Christmas jollity of a
+vast crowd of laughter-lovers. The name of it is _Winsome Winnie, and
+other New Nonsense Novels_ (LANE), and I can only describe it in that
+pet phrase of the house-agents as "examined and strongly recommended"
+for the merriest five-shillings' worth that I have enjoyed this long
+time. If ever a volume demanded to be read aloud over the Yule log
+here it is. Which of the eight novels is the most irresistible must
+remain, I suppose, a matter of individual taste; for myself I found
+the opening chapter in the title-tale the funniest thing in the
+collection, and that not forgetting the billiard match in the
+detective story, a contest that I defy anyone to follow without tears.
+To attempt analysis of such happily unforced humour would be a dark
+and dreadful task; but I incline to think that, more than most, the
+fun of Mr. LEACOCK (to be accurate one should, I suppose, say Dr.
+LEACOCK) depends upon the sudden tripping-up of the reader in
+his moment of fancied security. The _cliche_, with its deceptive
+appearance of solid and familiar ground, conceals an unexpected trap.
+Thus _Winnie_, the thrown-upon-the-world heroine, asked by the family
+lawyer how she proposes to gain a livelihood, replies in consecrated
+phrase, "I have my needle." "_Let me see it_," says the lawyer. But I
+grow pedantic; far more important than the method of this little book
+is its gift of seasonable entertainment, for which we need only wipe
+our eyes and be grateful.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _The Royal Artillery War Commemoration Book_ Messrs. G. BELL AND
+SONS have produced a noble volume worthy of the great record of the
+Royal Regiment. To the energy and enthusiasm of Mrs. AMBROSE DUDLEY is
+largely due the collection of the fine material which Major-General
+Sir HERBERT UNIACKE has here set out in fair order and proportion.
+Personal diaries dealing with various phases of the War on all fronts
+or with the daily routine of batteries are here interspersed with
+articles and poems of a more purely literary quality and with original
+illustrations, largely the work of Gunner-officers and extremely well
+reproduced. Among the most notable contributors are Brigadier-General
+J. H. MORGAN, Major V. R. BURKHARDT, D.S.O., Major The Master of
+BELHAVEN, Captain VICTOR WALROND (the last two killed in action),
+Captain GILBERT HOLIDAY, Captain H. ASQUITH, Lieut. ROBERT NICHOLS,
+Lieut. GILBERT FRANKAU, Gunner MEARS, the Hon. NEVILLE LYTTON, Mr.
+SEPTIMUS POWER, Mr. W. ROTHENSTEIN, Miss LUCY KEMP-WELCH and Mr. C.
+CLARK. _Punch_ is represented by several artists, including Captain E.
+H. SHEPARD, M.C., and Lieut. WALLIS MILLS (both of the Regiment), who
+have contributed some delightful colour-sketches, very faithfully
+observed. Many of the poems, too, that appear in the volume have been
+reprinted from the pages of _Punch_. There are brief records of
+those members of the Regiment who won the V.C., many portraits
+of "Representative Artillerymen," and a Roll of Honour of fallen
+officers, numbering 3,507. Lack of space alone prevented the inclusion
+of the names of the 45,442 Other Ranks who gave their lives for their
+country. Every Gunner who does not possess this splendid memorial work
+should have it given to him this Christmas by some proud relative or
+friend. Like the Regiment, it should go _Ubique_.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+When Mr. ROBERT CHAMBERS decides to give his neurotic New York society
+women a miss, and exploit his more imaginative and adventurous vein, I
+always know that I am in for a late night and an extra large gas
+bill. Like the British soldier Mr. CHAMBERS does not carry the word
+"impossible" in his vocabulary. Why should he, since he can give the
+semblance of reality to the utterly unbelievable? Then one mutters,
+"What utter rubbish!" and sends round to the bookseller to enquire if
+by any chance there is a sequel coming out. In _The Slayer of
+Souls_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) Mr. CHAMBERS is at his best and most
+impossible. A race of dreadful magicians, the descendants of the
+Old Man of the Mountain, who have been multiplying and acquiring
+extraordinary psychic powers in the interior of China for centuries,
+come forth to do battle with the United Secret Service for the souls
+of men. They have inspired the Hun, and the Bolshevik has been their
+tool. Fortunately a beautiful young American girl, who was brought up
+in their midst and has learned all their grizzly powers and (as it
+seems) a bit more, is on the side of the "forces of law and order."
+The struggle is titanic, for these magicians can slay and be slain
+corporeally and incorporeally with equal ease. I do not need to tell
+you who wins out, but neither will I intimate how it is done. I can
+only say that I envy anybody who is fortunate enough to have a long
+evening before him and _The Slayer of Souls_ at his elbow, still
+unread.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+In _Uncle Pierce's Legacy_ (METHUEN) Mrs. DOROTHEA CONYERS gives
+us once more all that we have learned to expect of her novels: the
+friendly, witty, blundering servants; the hunting society in which
+wealth and poverty, breeding and vulgarity, cheerfully rub shoulders;
+the descriptions of the wistful beautiful West of Ireland in autumn
+and winter; and above all the horses. Added to all this there are Sinn
+Fein raids, real and imaginary, to bring things up to date. A rather
+unconvincing plot, with a dash of _Great Expectations_ in it, yet
+offers a situation which has plenty of amusing possibilities. _Honor_
+and _Evie Nutting_, two middle-aged spinsters, find themselves the
+possessors of eight thousand a year, on condition that they spend it
+all. That sounds, of course, a very pleasant arrangement; but they
+have been struggling for years to make ends meet and economy has
+become a habit. The end of the first quarter finds them sending
+_Harris_, the English manservant, in haste to buy a frying-pan with
+the last unspent three shillings and sixpence. That the _Uncle Pierce_
+of the title should be really a brother, that characters should change
+their names without rhyme or reason from paragraph to paragraph, and
+that inverted commas should make their appearance just anywhere--all
+this, I think, is the author's clever way of suggesting an atmosphere
+of Irish irresponsibility, and it is quite successful. _Uncle Pierce's
+Legacy_ is a pleasant tale most pleasantly told, and it is not Mrs.
+CONYERS' fault, but her misfortune (and ours), that novels which
+describe the lighter side of Irish life, even with the tenderest
+humour, are more likely just now to make one sigh than smile.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+I do not know whether _The Scar_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) first saw
+publication in any of our popular dailies, but from internal evidence
+I should be strongly inclined to suspect it. At least Miss RUBY M.
+AYRES has written an admirable example of the class of tale, beloved
+of our serial public, in which new every morning are the tribulations
+of the elect, only to vanish with startling suddenness in the last
+days of June or December. For example, _Mark_, the hero, begins as the
+misunderstood son of one of those widower-fathers who in such stories
+dwell for ever behind the locked doors of studies, leaving in this
+instance _Mark_ to be the victim of an aunt whose lack of sympathy
+approaches the pantomimic. All the usual results follow, even to the
+acquisition by _Mark_ of a faithful hound, which the least experience
+of sentimental fiction would have caused any insurance company to
+refuse on sight. When therefore _Aunt Midian_, following her appointed
+course, effaced this friend-of-man, I confess that my grief was to
+some extent tempered by a recognition of the inevitable. Of course,
+however, _Mark_ does not remain for long in what I might call these
+dog-days of his young affection; love, strong, passionate and not too
+slavishly restricted to a single object, soon has his world going
+round as fast as the most exacting reader could desire. For the
+decorous details of this delirium I need only add that, if you want
+them, you know where to go to find them.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Had I been asked to godfather _Smith and the Pharaohs_ (ARROWSMITH) I
+should have refused to stand, unless its name was changed to "Barbara
+who Came Back," for the tale of _Barbara_ is by far the best in this
+book of short stories. It would be boastful--as well as untrue--to say
+that I have read all of Sir H. RIDER HAGGARD'S many books, but as far
+as my experience of them goes I find a delightfully fresh quality in
+this tale. It may be old-fashioned and over-sentimental, but in spite
+of these defects it has a very definite charm, and its conclusion
+makes a curious and legitimate appeal to the emotions. All the other
+stories are well up to standard, and it is amazing that an author who
+has written so much still shows no symptoms either of weariness or
+vain repetition.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Those who appreciate Miss C. FOX SMITH'S familiarity with the ways and
+moods of sailormen and her flair for the true sea-tang will welcome
+the new collection of poems which she has brought out under the title,
+_Ships and Folks_ (ELKIN MATHEWS). Most of these verses have appeared
+in _Punch_, and no further commendation is here needed.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Christmas Card Artist (of the Old School)._ "GOOD
+HEAVENS! CAN IT BE POSSIBLE THAT SUCH THINGS _ARE_?"]
+
+
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+
+
+Transcriber's notes:
+
+   Page 465: Tristan d'Acunha--this spelling also appears in the
+   next issue of 'Punch'.
+
+   Page 478: choregraphic is a valid spelling of choreographic.
+   (Oxford Dictionary: Cho'regraph etc. See CHOREOGRAPH etc.)
+
+
+
+***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI, VOL.
+159, DECEMBER 15, 1920***
+
+
+******* This file should be named 19334.txt or 19334.zip *******
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