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diff --git a/old/gthgd10.txt b/old/gthgd10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..68c92e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gthgd10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5653 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext The Great Hoggarty Diamond, by Thackeray +#7 in our series by William Makepeace Thackeray + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk +from the 1911 John Murray edition. + + + + + +THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND + + + + +CHAPTER I + + + +GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE +DIAMOND + +When I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made me +a present of a diamond-pin; that is to say, it was not a diamond- +pin then, but a large old-fashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture +in the year 1795, which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the +Lord Lieutenant's balls and elsewhere. He wore it, he said, at the +battle of Vinegar Hill, when his club pigtail saved his head from +being taken off,--but that is neither here nor there. + +In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of +the corps of Fencibles to which he belonged; around it were +thirteen locks of hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters +that the old gentleman had; and, as all these little ringlets +partook of the family hue of brilliant auburn, Hoggarty's portrait +seemed to the fanciful view like a great fat red round of beef +surrounded by thirteen carrots. These were dished up on a plate of +blue enamel, and it was from the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND (as we +called it in the family) that the collection of hairs in question +seemed as it were to spring. + +My aunt, I need not say, is rich; and I thought I might be her heir +as well as another. During my month's holiday, she was +particularly pleased with me; made me drink tea with her often +(though there was a certain person in the village with whom on +those golden summer evenings I should have liked to have taken a +stroll in the hayfields); promised every time I drank her bohea to +do something handsome for me when I went back to town,--nay, three +or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist or cribbage +afterwards. I did not care for the cards; for though we always +played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings were +never more than nineteenpence a night: but there was some infernal +sour black-currant wine, that the old lady always produced at +dinner, and with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I dared not +refuse; though upon my word and honour it made me very unwell. + +Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my +aunt's repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make me +a present of a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the +drawer); and so convinced was I that some such present was intended +for me, that a young lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, with whom +I had conversed on the subject, actually netted me a little green +silk purse, which she gave me (behind Hicks's hayrick, as you turn +to the right up Churchyard Lane)--which she gave me, I say, wrapped +up in a bit of silver paper. There was something in the purse, +too, if the truth must be known. First there was a thick curl of +the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in your life, and next +there was threepence: that is to say, the half of a silver +sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I +knew where the other half of the sixpence was, and envied that +happy bit of silver! + +The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to +Mrs. Hoggarty. My aunt was excessively gracious; and by way of a +treat brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of +which she made me drink the greater part. At night when all the +ladies assembled at her party had gone off with their pattens and +their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who had made a signal to me to stay, +first blew out three of the wax candles in the drawing-room, and +taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlocked her escritoire. + +I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite +unconcerned. + +"Sam my dear," said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, "take +another glass of Rosolio" (that was the name by which she baptised +the cursed beverage): "it will do you good." I took it, and you +might have seen my hand tremble as the bottle went click--click +against the glass. By the time I had swallowed it, the old lady +had finished her operations at the bureau, and was coming towards +me, the wax-candle bobbing in one hand and a large parcel in the +other. + +"Now's the time," thought I. + +"Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you received +from your sainted uncle, my blessed husband; and of all my nephews +and nieces, you are the one whose conduct in life has most pleased +me." + +When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married +sisters, that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and +mothers of numerous children, I must say that the compliment my +aunt paid me was a very handsome one. + +"Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, "I have often heard +you say there were seventy-three of us in all, and believe me I do +think your high opinion of me very complimentary indeed: I'm +unworthy of it--indeed I am." + +"As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather sharply, +"don't speak of them, I hate them, and every one of their mothers" +(the fact is, there had been a lawsuit about Hoggarty's property); +"but of all my other kindred, you, Samuel, have been the most +dutiful and affectionate to me. Your employers in London give the +best accounts of your regularity and good conduct. Though you have +had eighty pounds a year (a liberal salary), you have not spent a +shilling more than your income, as other young men would; and you +have devoted your month's holidays to your old aunt, who, I assure +you, is grateful." + +"Oh, ma'am!" said I. It was all that I could utter. + +"Samuel," continued she, "I promised you a present, and here it is. +I first thought of giving you money; but you are a regular lad; and +don't want it. You are above money, dear Samuel. I give you what +I value most in life--the p,--the po, the po-ortrait of my sainted +Hoggarty" (tears), "set in the locket which contains the valuable +diamond that you have often heard me speak of. Wear it, dear Sam, +for my sake; and think of that angel in heaven, and of your dear +Aunt Susy." + +She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the +lid of a shaving-box: and I should as soon have thought of wearing +it as of wearing a cocked-hat and pigtail. I was so disgusted and +disappointed that I really could not get out a single word. + +When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket +out of the bit of paper (the locket indeed! it was as big as a +barndoor padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. "Thank you, +Aunt," said I, with admirable raillery. "I shall always value this +present for the sake of you, who gave it me; and it will recall to +me my uncle, and my thirteen aunts in Ireland." + +"I don't want you to wear it in THAT way!" shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty, +"with the hair of those odious carroty women. You must have their +hair removed." + +"Then the locket will be spoiled, Aunt." + +"Well, sir, never mind the locket; have it set afresh." + +"Or suppose," said I, "I put aside the setting altogether: it is a +little too large for the present fashion; and have the portrait of +my uncle framed and placed over my chimney-piece, next to yours. +It's a sweet miniature." + +"That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty, solemnly, "was the great +Mulcahy's chef-d'oeuvre" (pronounced shy dewver, a favourite word +of my aunt's; being, with the words bongtong and ally mode de +Parry, the extent of her French vocabulary). "You know the +dreadful story of that poor poor artist. When he had finished that +wonderful likeness for the late Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, +county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at the Lord Lieutenant's +ball, where she played a game of piquet with the Commander-in- +Chief. What could have made her put the hair of her vulgar +daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't think; but so it was, as +you see it this day. 'Madam,' says the Commander-in-Chief, 'if +that is not my friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a Dutchman!' Those were +his Lordship's very words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty took +off the brooch and showed it to him. + +"'Who is the artist?' says my Lord. 'It's the most wonderful +likeness I ever saw in my life!' + +"'Mulcahy,' says she, 'of Ormond's Quay.' + +"'Begad, I patronise him!' says my Lord; but presently his face +darkened, and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied air. +'There is one fault in that portrait,' said his Lordship, who was a +rigid disciplinarian; 'and I wonder that my friend Mick, as a +military man, should have overlooked it.' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty. + +"'Madam, he has been painted WITHOUT HIS SWORD-BELT!' And he took +up the cards again in a passion, and finished the game without +saying a single word. + +"The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that +unfortunate artist WENT MAD IMMEDIATELY! He had set his whole +reputation upon this miniature, and declared that it should be +faultless. Such was the effect of the announcement upon his +susceptible heart! When Mrs. Hoggarty died, your uncle took the +portrait and always wore it himself. His sisters said it was for +the sake of the diamond; whereas, ungrateful things! it was merely +on account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As for +the poor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use +of spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I don't believe it. +Take another glass of Rosolio." + +The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good- +humour, and she promised at the end of it to pay for the new +setting of the diamond; desiring me to take it on my arrival in +London to the great jeweller, Mr. Polonius, and send her the bill. +"The fact is," said she, "that the gold in which the thing is set +is worth five guineas at the very least, and you can have the +diamond reset for two. However, keep the remainder, dear Sam, and +buy yourself what you please with it." + +With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking +twelve as I walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy +always took an hour in the telling, and I went away not quite so +downhearted as when the present was first made to me. "After all," +thought I, "a diamond-pin is a handsome thing, and will give me a +distingue air, though my clothes be never so shabby"--and shabby +they were without any doubt. "Well," I said, "three guineas, which +I shall have over, will buy me a couple of pairs of what-d'ye-call- +'ems;" of which, entre nous, I was in great want, having just then +done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made a good eighteen +months before. + +Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets; I +had poor Mary's purse there, having removed the little things which +she gave me the day before, and placed them--never mind where: but +look you, in those days I had a heart, and a warm one too. I had +Mary's purse ready for my aunt's donation, which never came, and +with my own little stock of money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's +card parties had lessened by a good five-and-twenty shillings, I +calculated that, after paying my fare, I should get to town with a +couple of seven-shilling pieces in my pocket. + +I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace; so quick that, if +the thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o'clock +that had passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. +H.'s long stories over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at ten +I had an appointment under a certain person's window, who was to +have been looking at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled +nightcap on, and her blessed hair in papers. + +There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it; and +though I hemmed and hawed, and whistled over the garden paling, and +sang a song of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a +pebble at the window, which hit it exactly at the opening of the +lattice,--I woke no one except a great brute of a house-dog, that +yelled, and howled, and bounced so at me over the rails, that I +thought every moment he would have had my nose between his teeth. + +So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be; and the next +morning Mamma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and at +five came the "True Blue" light six-inside post-coach to London, +and I got up on the roof without having seen Mary Smith. + +As we passed the house, it DID seem as if the window curtain in her +room was drawn aside just a little bit. Certainly the window was +open, and it had been shut the night before: but away went the +coach; and the village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks's +hayricks were soon out of sight. + +* * * + +"My hi, what a pin!" said a stable-boy, who was smoking a cigar, to +the guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his nose. + +The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party; and +being uneasy in mind and having all my clothes to pack up, and +thinking of something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty's +brooch, which I had stuck into my shirt-frill the night before. + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES +WONDERFUL EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END + +The circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of +years ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was a great +mania in the City of London for establishing companies of all +sorts; by which many people made pretty fortunes. + +I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk +of twenty-four young gents who did the immense business of the +Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at +their splendid stone mansion in Cornhill. Mamma had sunk a sum of +four hundred pounds in the purchase of an annuity at this office, +which paid her no less than six-and-thirty pounds a year, when no +other company in London would give her more than twenty-four. The +chairman of the directors was the great Mr. Brough, of the house of +Brough and Hoff, Crutched Friars, Turkey Merchants. It was a new +house, but did a tremendous business in the fig and sponge way, and +more in the Zante currant line than any other firm in the City. + +Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw +his name for hundreds at the head of every charitable society +patronised by those good people. He had nine clerks residing at +his office in Crutched Friars; he would not take one without a +certificate from the schoolmaster and clergyman of his native +place, strongly vouching for his morals and doctrine; and the +places were so run after, that he got a premium of four or five +hundred pounds with each young gent, whom he made to slave for ten +hours a day, and to whom in compensation he taught all the +mysteries of the Turkish business. He was a great man on 'Change, +too; and our young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks +(we commonly dined together at the "Cock and Woolpack," a +respectable house, where you get a capital cut of meat, bread, +vegetables, cheese, half a pint of porter, and a penny to the +waiter, for a shilling)--the young stockbrokers used to tell us of +immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that Brough +made. Hoff had nothing to do with them, but stopped at home +minding exclusively the business of the house. He was a young +chap, very quiet and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been +taken into partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty thousand +pounds: and a very good bargain too. I was told in the strictest +confidence that the house one year with another divided a good +seven thousand pounds: of which Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, +and the other sixth went to old Tudlow, who had been Mr. Brough's +clerk before the new partnership began. Tudlow always went about +very shabby, and we thought him an old miser. One of our gents, +Bob Swinney by name, used to say that Tudlow's share was all +nonsense, and that Brough had it all; but Bob was always too +knowing by half, used to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his +free admission to Covent Garden Theatre. He was always talking +down at the shop, as we called it (it wasn't a shop, but as +splendid an office as any in Cornhill)--he was always talking about +Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing + + +"The bramble, the bramble, +The jolly jolly bramble!" + + +one of Charles Kemble's famous songs in "Maid Marian;" a play that +was all the rage then, taken from a famous story-book by one +Peacock, a clerk in the India House; and a precious good place he +has too. + +When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his +admission to the theatre, he came one day down to the office where +we all were, four-and-twenty of us, and made one of the most +beautiful speeches I ever heard in my life. He said that for +slander he did not care, contumely was the lot of every public man +who had austere principles of his own, and acted by them austerely; +but what he DID care for was the character of every single +gentleman forming a part of the Independent West Diddlesex +Association. The welfare of thousands was in their keeping; +millions of money were daily passing through their hands; the City- +-the country looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example. +And if he found amongst those whom he considered as his children-- +those whom he loved as his own flesh and blood--that that order was +departed from, that that regularity was not maintained, that that +good example was not kept up (Mr. B. always spoke in this emphatic +way)--if he found his children departing from the wholesome rules +of morality, religion, and decorum--if he found in high or low--in +the head clerk at six hundred a year down to the porter who cleaned +the steps--if he found the slightest taint of dissipation, he would +cast the offender from him--yea, though he were his own son, he +would cast him from him! + +As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn't +know what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips: +all except Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to +whistle. When Mr. B. had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he +turned round; and oh, how my heart thumped as he looked me full in +the face! How it was relieved, though, when he shouted out in a +thundering voice - + +"MR. ROBERT SWINNEY!" + +"Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the +chaps began to titter. + +"Mr. SWINNEY!" roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before, +"when you came into this office--this family, sir, for such it is, +as I am proud to say--you found three-and-twenty as pious and well- +regulated young men as ever laboured together--as ever had confided +to them the wealth of this mighty capital and famous empire. You +found, sir, sobriety, regularity, and decorum; no profane songs +were uttered in this place sacred to--to business; no slanders were +whispered against the heads of the establishment--but over them I +pass: I can afford, sir, to pass them by--no worldly conversation +or foul jesting disturbed the attention of these gentlemen, or +desecrated the peaceful scene of their labours. You found +Christians and gentlemen, sir!" + +"I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. "Didn't my +governor take sha-?" + +"Silence, sir! Your worthy father did take shares in this +establishment, which will yield him one day an immense profit. He +DID take shares, sir, or you never would have been here. I glory +in saying that every one of my young friends around me has a +father, a brother, a dear relative or friend, who is connected in a +similar way with our glorious enterprise; and that not one of them +is there but has an interest in procuring, at a liberal commission, +other persons to join the ranks of our Association. BUT, sir, I am +its chief. You will find, sir, your appointment signed by me; and +in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, sir!--leave +us--quit a family that can no longer receive you in its bosom! Mr. +Swinney, I have wept--I have prayed, sir, before I came to this +determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. DEPART +FROM OUT OF US! + +"Not without three months' salary, though, Mr. B.: that cock won't +fight!" + +"They shall be paid to your father, sir." + +"My father be hanged! I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age; and if +you don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest you,--by Jingo, I will! +I'll have you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney!" + +"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of +this perverted young man." + +"Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp!" cried +out that audacious Swinney. "There it is, sir, RE-ceipted. You +needn't cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like a +glass of punch this evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your +man, and nothing to pay. If Mr. Brough WOULD do me the honour to +come in and take a whack? Come, don't say no, if you'd rather +not!" + +We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing like +mad. + +"Leave the room!" yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite +blue; and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled away +with his "tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When he +was gone, Mr. Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all +determined to profit; and going up to Roundhand's desk put his arm +round his neck, and looked over the ledger. + +"What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand?" he said, in a very +kind way. + +"The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four ten and +six--say 904L. 10S. 6D. Captain Sparr, sir, paid his shares up; +grumbles, though, and says he's no more: fifty shares, two +instalments--three fifties, sir." + +"He's always grumbling!" + +"He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our +dividend day." + +"Any more?" + +Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen +hundred pounds in all. We were doing a famous business now; though +when I came into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, +and read the newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a +stray customer came. Brough never cared about our laughing and +singing THEN, and was hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was +in early times, before we were well in harness. + +"Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. Bravo, +Roundhand--bravo, gentlemen! Remember, every share you bring in +brings you five per cent. down on the nail! Look to your friends-- +stick to your desks--be regular--I hope none of you forget church. +Who takes Mr. Swinney's place?" + +"Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir: you +are now twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is +consequently increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy +mother, sir--your dear and excellent parent? In good health I +trust? And long--long, I fervently pray, may this office continue +to pay her annuity! Remember, if she has more money to lay out, +there is higher interest than the last for her, for she is a year +older; and five per cent. for you, my boy! Why not you as well as +another? Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound note does no +harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego?" + +"Oh, no!" says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap +that informed against Swinney; and he began to laugh, as indeed we +all did whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not that +they WERE jokes; only we used to know it by his face. + +"Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business. +Mrs. Brough wants to know why the deuce you never come down to +Fulham." + +"Law, that's very polite!" said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased. + +"Name your day, my boy! Say Saturday, and bring your night-cap +with you." + +"You're very polite, I'm sure. I should be delighted beyond +anything, but--" + +"But--no buts, my boy! Hark ye! the Chancellor of the Exchequer +does me the honour to dine with us, and I want you to see him; for +the truth is, I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best +actuary in the three kingdoms." + +Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as THAT, though he +had told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and +Sunday at Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, +were sure that the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady +when she heard what was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough very +much, that was the fact; because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said +she didn't know where Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs. +Roundhand. Though, to be sure, her coachman might have found out +the way. + +"And oh, Roundhand!" continued our governor, "draw a cheque for +seven hundred, will you! Come, don't stare, man; I'm not going to +run away! That's right,--seven hundred--and ninety, say, while +you're about it! Our board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll +account for it to them before I drive you down. We shall take up +the Chancellor at Whitehall." + +So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with +Mr. Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-and-four (he +always drove four horses even in the City, where it's so +difficult), which was waiting at the office-door for him. + +Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the +Company; but there was never believing half of what that Bob said, +he used to laugh and joke so. I don't know how it was, but I and a +gent by the name of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together +with me in Salisbury Square, Fleet Street--where we occupied a very +genteel two-pair--found our flute duet rather tiresome that +evening, and as it was a very fine night, strolled out for a walk +West End way. When we arrived opposite Covent Garden Theatre we +found ourselves close to the "Globe Tavern," and recollected Bob +Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied that he had +meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look +in: at any rate there could be no harm in doing so. + +There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would +be, we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a +great smoke of cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and +banging away at the table with the bottoms of their glasses. + +What a shout they made as we came in! "Hurray!" says Bob, "here's +two more! Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, two more hot +waters, and two more goes of gin! Who would have thought of seeing +Tit, in the name of goodness?" + +"Why," said I, "we only came in by the merest chance." + +At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a +positive fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by +chance! However, chance gave us a very jovial night; and that +hospitable Bob Swinney paid every shilling of the score. + +"Gentlemen!" says he, as he paid the bill, "I'll give you the +health of John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present +of 21L. 5s. which he made me this morning. What do I say--21L. +5S.? That and a month's salary that I should have had to pay-- +forfeit--down on the nail, by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I +intended to do to-morrow morning. I've got a place--a tip-top +place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six journeys a year, my +own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of England in oil and +spermaceti. Here's confusion to gas, and the health of Messrs. +Gann and Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London!" + +I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex +Insurance Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though +the real names are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, +as you may be sure), because the fate of me and my diamond pin was +mysteriously bound up with both: as I am about to show. + +You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the +West Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of +them; had received a classical education; and especially because I +had a rich aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I +used to boast a good deal. There is no harm in being respected in +this world, as I have found out; and if you don't brag a little for +yourself, depend on it there is no person of your acquaintance who +will tell the world of your merits, and take the trouble off your +hands. + +So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and +took my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that +looks into Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that +Mrs. Hoggarty, though she had not given me a large sum of money, as +I expected--indeed, I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the +river, should the promised riches have come to me--I let them know, +I say, that though my aunt had not given me any money, she had +given me a splendid diamond, worth at least thirty guineas, and +that some day I would sport it at the shop. + +"Oh, let's see it!" says Abednego, whose father was a mock-jewel +and gold-lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised that he +should have a sight of it as soon as it was set. As my pocket- +money was run out too (by coach-hire to and from home, five +shillings to our maid at home, ten to my aunt's maid and man, five- +and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I said, and fifteen-and-six +paid for a silver scissors for the dear little fingers of +Somebody), Roundhand, who was very good-natured, asked me to dine, +and advanced me 7L. 1S. 8D., a month's salary. It was at +Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of +veal and bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his +wife ill-treated him; as I have told before. Poor fellow!--we +under-clerks all thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by +oneself, and have 50L. per month, as Roundhand had; but I've a +notion that Hoskins and I, blowing duets on the flute together in +our second floor in Salisbury Square, were a great deal more at +ease than our head--and more IN HARMONY, too; though we made sad +work of the music, certainly. + +One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at +three o'clock, as we had PARTICULAR BUSINESS at the West End. He +knew it was about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us +permission; so off we set. When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus +got a cigar, to give himself as it were a distingue air, and pulled +at it all the way up the Lane, and through the alleys into Coventry +Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is, as everybody knows. + +The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were +drawing up and setting down. Gus kept his hands in his pockets-- +trousers were worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon- +holes for your boots, or Bluchers, to come through (the +fashionables wore boots, but we chaps in the City, on 80L. a year, +contented ourselves with Bluchers); and as Gus stretched out his +pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and kept blowing away +at his cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his boots, and +had very large whiskers for so young a man, he really looked quite +the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of +consideration. + +He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the +gold pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in; and after +a little hemming and hawing--for I had never been at such a +fashionable place before--asked one of the gentlemen to let me +speak to Mr. Polonius. + +"What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing +close by, as it happened, serving three ladies,--a very old one and +two young ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very +attentively. + +"Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, "this +jewel has, I believe, been in your house before: it belonged to my +aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing +near looked round as I spoke. + +"I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year +1795," said Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect +everything; "and a silver punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the +Major--Colonel--General--eh, sir?" + +"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say"--though I was quite +proud that this man of fashion should address me so.--"Mr. Hoggarty +is--no more. My aunt has made me a present, however, of this--this +trinket--which, as you see, contains her husband's portrait, that I +will thank you, sir, to preserve for me very carefully; and she +wishes that you would set this diamond neatly." + +"Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir." + +"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her. +There is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, of +course, you will make an allowance." + +"To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, +and looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful piece of goods, +certainly," said he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit, +certainly. Do, my Lady, look at it. The thing is of Irish +manufacture, bears the stamp of '95, and will recall perhaps the +times of your Ladyship's earliest youth." + +"Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!" said the old lady, a little wizen-faced +old lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. "How +DAR you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me? +Wasn't I fifty years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96?" She +put out a pair of withered trembling hands, took up the locket, +examined it for a minute, and then burst out laughing: "As I live, +it's the great Hoggarty diamond!" + +Good heavens! what was this talisman that had come into my +possession? + +"Look, girls," continued the old lady: "this is the great jew'l of +all Ireland. This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick +Hoggarty, a cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year +'84, when I had just lost your poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen +sthreamers of red hair represent his thirteen celebrated sisters,-- +Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy (short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy, +Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, Nell, and Bell--all married, +all ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of which are you the son, +young man?--though, to do you justice, you're not like the family." + +Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at +me, and waited for an answer: which they would have had, only the +old lady began rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen +ladies above named, and all their lovers, all their +disappointments, and all the duels of Mick Hoggarty. She was a +chronicle of fifty-years-old scandal. At last she was interrupted +by a violent fit of coughing; at the conclusion of which Mr. +Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin, +and whether I would like the hair kept. + +"No," says I, "never mind the hair." + +"And the pin, sir?" + +I had felt ashamed about telling my address: "But, bang it!" +thought I, "why SHOULD I? - + + +'A king can make a belted knight, +A marquess, duke, and a' that; +An honest man's abune his might - +Gude faith, he canna fa' that.' + + +Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live?" + +"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to +Mr. Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near St. Bride's +Church, Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the two-pair bell." + +"WHAT, sir?" said Mr. Polonius. + +"HWAT!" shrieked the old lady. "Mr. Hwat? Mais, ma chere, c'est +impayable. Come along--here's the carr'age! Give me your arm, Mr. +Hwat, and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts." + +She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as +possible; the young ladies following her, laughing. + +"Now, jump in, do you hear?" said she, poking her sharp nose out of +the window. + +"I can't, ma'am," says I; "I have a friend." + +"Pooh, pooh! send 'um to the juice, and jump in!" And before +almost I could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow-plush +breeches pushed me up the steps and banged the door to. + +I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, +and never shall forget his figure. There stood Gus, his mouth wide +open, his eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering +with all his might at the strange thing that had just happened to +me. + +"Who IS that Titmarsh?" says Gus: "there's a coronet on the +carriage, by Jingo!" + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT +CHARIOT, AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK + +I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young +lady, about my dear Mary's age--that is to say, seventeen and +three-quarters; and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other +grand-daughter--handsome too, but ten years older. I recollect I +had on that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a +white sprig waist-coat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just +come in in the year '22, and looked a great deal more glossy than +the best beaver. + +"And who was that hidjus manster"--that was the way her Ladyship +pronounced,--"that ojous vulgar wretch, with the iron heels to his +boots, and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck-chain, who +STEERED at us so as we got into the carriage?" + +How she should have known that Gus's chain was mosaic I can't tell; +but so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and +sixpence only the week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's +Churchyard. But I did not like to hear my friend abused, and so +spoke out for him - + +"Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins. +We live together; and a better or more kind-hearted fellow does not +exist." + +"You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the +second lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom the +grandmamma called Lady Jene. + +"Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like +sper't in a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it? I know, my +dears, all the Hoskinses in England. There are the Lincolnshire +Hoskinses, the Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral's +daughter, Bell, was in love with a black footman, or boatswain, or +some such thing; but the world's so censorious. There's old Doctor +Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor dear Drum in the quinsy; and +poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty General: I remember him as +thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active as a harlequin, and +in love with me--oh, how he was in love with me!" + +"You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, +Grandmamma?" said Lady Jane. + +"Hundreds, my dear,--hundreds of thousands. I was the toast of +Bath, and a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought it now, +upon your conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d'ye-call- +'im?" + +"Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was +as ugly as possible; and at my saying this the two young ladies +began screaming with laughter, and I saw the two great-whiskered +footmen grinning over the back of the carriage. + +"Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name--mighty +candid indeed; but I like candour in young people. But a beauty I +was. Just ask your friend's uncle the General. He's one of the +Lincolnshire Hoskinses--I knew he was by the strong family +likeness. Is he the eldest son? It's a pretty property, though +sadly encumbered; for old Sir George was the divvle of a man--a +friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and those horrid, +monstrous, ojous people! How much will he have now, mister, when +the Admiral dies?" + +"Why, ma'am, I can't say; but the Admiral is not my friend's +father." + +"Not his father?--but he IS, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. Who +is his father, then?" + +"Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow +Hill,--a very respectable house, ma'am. But Gus is only third son, +and so can't expect a great share in the property." + +The two young ladies smiled at this--the old lady said, "Hwat?" + +"I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, "for not being ashamed of your +friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall we have the +pleasure of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +"Noways particular, my Lady," says I. "We have a holiday at our +office to-day--at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave; and I +shall be very happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's +no offence." + +"I'm sure it will give us--infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane; +though rather in a grave way. + +"Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: "won't +it, Grandmamma? And after we have been in the Park, we can walk in +Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to +accompany us." + +"Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane. + +"Indeed, but we will though!" shrieked out Lady Drum. "Ain't I +dying to know everything about his uncle and thirteen aunts? and +you're all chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed +syllable will you allow me or my young friend here to speak." + +Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single +word more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I may +be allowed so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, +and giggled, and seemed quite to enjoy her sister's ill-humour. +And the Countess began at once, and entered into the history of the +thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which was not near finished when we +entered the Park. + +When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horseback +came to the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their joke +for Lady Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow +for Lady Jane; and, the young ones especially, their compliment for +Lady Fanny. + +Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny +seemed to be thinking of something else; for she kept her head out +of the carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she +expected to see somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, I knew what it meant +when a young pretty lady like you was absent, and on the look-out, +and only half answered the questions put to her. Let alone Sam +Titmarsh--he knows what Somebody means as well as another, I +warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going on, I could not help just +giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I knew what was what. +"I guess the young lady is looking for Somebody," says I. It was +then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she blushed as red +as scarlet; but, after a minute, the good-natured little thing +looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their +handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughing--laughing as if +I had said the funniest thing in the world. + +"Il est charmant, votre monsieur," said Lady Jane to her +grandmamma; and on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous me faites +beaucoup d'honneur:" for I know the French language, and was +pleased to find that these good ladies had taken a liking to me. +"I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used to London society, and do +really feel it quite kind of you to take me by the hand so, and +give me a drive in your fine carriage." + +At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a +tuft to his chin, came riding up to the carriage; and I knew by a +little start that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking +round the other way, that SOMEBODY was come at last. + +"Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant! I have just been +riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love of the +beautiful Countess of Drum in the year--never mind the year." + +"Was it Killblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm +quite ready to go off with him this minute. Or was it that delight +of an old bishop? He's got a lock of my hair now--I gave it him +when he was Papa's chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard +matter to find another now in the same place." + +"Law, my Lady!" says I, "you don't say so?" + +"But indeed I do, my good sir," says she; "for between ourselves, +my head's as bare as a cannon-ball--ask Fanny if it isn't. Such a +fright as the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me +suddenly in my dressing-room without my wig!" + +"I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said "Somebody," +looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a mind to swallow +me. And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was, +"Pretty well, I thank you, my Lord;" and she said this with as much +fluttering and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at school-- +when we hadn't learned it. + +My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered +something about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's +carriage, as he was tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered +something, too, about "a friend of Grandmamma's." + +"You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane: "I am +sure we should never have come to the Park if Fanny had not +insisted upon bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce the +Earl of Tiptoff to Mr. Titmarsh." But, instead of taking off his +hat, as I did mine, his Lordship growled out that he hoped for +another opportunity, and galloped off again on his black horse. +Why the deuce I should have offended him I never could understand. + +But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; +for who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund +Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I know very +well by the almanac in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane. + +The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat +pale-faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air. +"Who the devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both +at me and her. + +"Oh, it's a friend of Grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at +once, looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at her +sister--who in her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked +imploringly at her sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable. +"Yes, indeed," continued Lady Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of +Grandmamma's by the mother's side: by the Hoggarty side. Didn't +you know the Hoggarties when you were in Ireland, Edmund, with Lord +Bagwig? Let me introduce you to Grandmamma's cousin, Mr. Titmarsh: +Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston." + +There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as +hard as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice; +and I, who had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded +as could be. But I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well +as that sly minx her grand-daughter did; for the old lady, who had +just before called poor Gus Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, +the mania of fancying all the world related to her, and said - + +"Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty's +grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer were +related, as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady, +married an own cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift--that was +no relation of the Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family- +-and isn't THAT clear?" + +"Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the +right honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly. + +"And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?--the thirteen red-haired +girls--the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy used to call +them. Poor Clan!--a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and +sadly in love with me he was too. Not remember them ALL now, +Edmund?--not remember?--not remember Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and +Widdy, and Mysie and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly and the rest?" + +"D- the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent; +and he said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden +lash out that well nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane +screamed; Lady Fanny laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she did +not care twopence, and said "Serve you right for swearing, you +ojous man you!" + +"Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund--Mr. Preston?" +cried out the lady, anxiously. + +"Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I. + +"Pooh--pooh! don't stir," said Lady Drum: "it's my carriage; and +if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous +vulgar way--in that ojous vulgar way I repeat--I don't see why my +friends should be inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky +if he likes, or come in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear that +my Lady Drum hated her grandson-in-law heartily; and I've remarked +somehow in families that this kind of hatred is by no means +uncommon. + +Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to +tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to +get away from the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked +still paler than before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he +dismounted from the cob and gave the reins to his servant. I +disliked the looks of the chap--of the master, I mean--at the first +moment he came up, when he spoke rudely to that nice gentle wife of +his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of +the cob showed him to be. Heaven bless you! a baby could have +ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the +very first kick. + +"Oh, quick! DO come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the +carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he +came in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I +warrant you I wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue +cried out, "Oh, no! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door, +Thomas. And oh! what fun it will be to show all the world a +Secretary of State riding bodkin!" + +And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you! + +"Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady +Jane, timidly. + +"Oh no! Pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very +comfortable; and so I hope is this Mr.--this gentleman." + +"Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to offer to ride +your horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at +it; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I +COULDN'T move." + +Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!--how her little +eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up! I couldn't +help speaking, for, look you, my blood was up. + +"We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says +she; and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, +and sneezed with the air of a lord. + +"As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane +Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner?" says Mr. +Preston, quite blue with rage. + +"I invited him into my carriage," says the old lady; "and as we are +going to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be +very happy to see him there." + +"I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I. + +"Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says Right Honourable Ned, still +glowering at his wife. "What a pity that this gentleman--I forget +his name--that your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! I am sure you +would have had such gratification in meeting your relation in +Whitehall." + +Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure; but +this speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much. "Now, +Sam," says I, "be a man and show your spirit!" So I spoke up at +once, and said, "Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so +VERY pressing, I'll give up my engagement, and shall have sincere +pleasure in cutting mutton with him. What's your hour, sir?" + +He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; for, you +see, I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a +lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear +people cry out how vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask +three times for cheese, and such like points of ceremony, there's +something, I think, much more vulgar than all this, and that is, +insolence to one's inferiors. I hate the chap that uses it, as I +scorn him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion; and so +I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my mind. + +When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as +politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking +hold of Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies +and the two big servants--upon my word I did--"Sir," says I, "this +kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to +please her, not myself. When you came up and asked who the devil I +was, I thought you might have put the question in a more polite +manner; but it wasn't my business to speak. When, by way of a +joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would answer in a joke +too, and here I am. But don't be frightened; I'm not a-going to +dine with you: only if you play the same joke upon other parties-- +on some of the chaps in our office, for example--I recommend you to +have a care, or they will TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD." + +"Is that all, sir?" says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. "If you +have done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you +out? Turn out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from +me, and flung into his study in a rage. + +"He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" +said Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder grand-daughter's arm, +"and I hate him; and so come away, for the dinner'll be getting +cold:" and she was for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado. +But that kind lady, coming forward, looking very pale and +trembling, said, "Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope you'll not be angry--that +is, that you'll forget what has happened, for, believe me, it has +given me very great--" + +Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes +filled with tears; and Lady Drum crying out "Tut, tut! none of this +nonsense," pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. But +little Lady Fanny walked boldly up to me, and held me out her +little hand, and gave mine such a squeeze and said, "Good-bye, my +dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very kindly, that I'm blest if I did not +blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my body began to tingle. + +So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out +of the hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a +lion; and all I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning +footmen should say or do something to me that was the least +uncivil, so that I might have the pleasure of knocking him down, +with my best compliments to his master. But neither of them did me +any such favour! and I went away and dined at home off boiled +mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully. + +I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, +is rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the +particulars of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and +witness, and so just said that the old lady--("They were the Drum +arms," says Gus; "for I went and looked them out that minute in the +'Peerage'")--that the old lady turned out to be a cousin of mine, +and that she had taken me to drive in the Park. Next day we went +to the office as usual, when you may be sure that Hoskins told +everything of what had happened, and a great deal more; and +somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the +matter, I must confess that I WAS rather pleased that the gents in +our office should hear of a part of my adventure. + +But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. +Stokes the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master +Bob Stokes her son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing +marbles on St. Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square),--when I +found them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before me to our +rooms on the second floor, and there, on the table, between our two +flutes on one side, my album, Gus's "Don Juan" and "Peerage" on the +other, I saw as follows:- + +1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my +dear Mary Smith. + +2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes. + +3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs. +Stokes said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw. + +And three cards--viz. + + +DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM. +LADY FANNY RAKES. + +MR. PRESTON. +LADY JANE PRESTON. + +EARL OF TIPTOFF. + + +"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor +thing spoke). "Sich a carriage--all over coronites! sich liveries- +-two great footmen, with red whiskers and yellow-plush small- +clothes; and inside, a very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a +young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great +tall pale gentleman with a tuft on his chin. + +"'Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, +with her clear voice. + +"'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the office--the West +Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, Cornhill.' + +"'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn. + +"'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a +newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets +of fruit besides. + +"'Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, 'to take these things to +Mr. Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's +compliments, and request his acceptance of them;' and then he +pulled out the cards on your table, and this letter, sealed with +his Lordship's own crown." + +And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to +this day, by the way, and which runs thus:- + + +"The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to +express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able +yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's company. Lady +Jane is about to leave town immediately: she will therefore be +unable to receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season. But +Lord Tiptoff trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to +accept some of the produce of her Ladyship's garden and park; with +which, perhaps, he will entertain some of those friends in whose +favour he knows so well how to speak." + + +Along with this was a little note, containing the words "Lady Drum +at home. Friday evening, June 17." And all this came to me +because my aunt Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin! + +I did not send back the venison: as why should I? Gus was for +sending it at once to Brough, our director; and the grapes and +peaches to my aunt in Somersetshire. + +"But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and half-a-dozen more of +our gents; and we'll have a merry night of it on Saturday." And a +merry night we had too; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we +had plenty of ale, and gin-punch afterwards. And Gus sat at the +foot of the table, and I at the head; and we sang songs, both comic +and sentimental, and drank toasts; and I made a speech that there +is no possibility of mentioning here, because, entre nous, I had +quite forgotten in the morning everything that had taken place +after a certain period on the night before. + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-WEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE + +I did not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on +Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let Hoskins +have the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place,--for +we all have our little vanities, and I liked to be thought well of +by my companions. + +When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in +which the chaps looked at me; especially Abednego, who offered me a +pinch out of his gold snuff-box the very first thing. Roundhand +shook me, too, warmly by the hand, when he came round to look over +my day-book, said I wrote a capital hand (and indeed I believe I +do, without any sort of flattery), and invited me for dinner next +Sunday, in Myddelton Square. "You won't have," said he, "quite +such a grand turn-out as with YOUR FRIENDS AT THE WEST END"--he +said this with a particular accent--"but Amelia and I are always +happy to see a friend in our plain way,--pale sherry, old port, and +cut and come again. Hey?" + +I said I would come and bring Hoskins too. + +He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very +happy to see Hoskins; and we went accordingly at the appointed day +and hour; but though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I +remarked that at dinner I was helped first and best. I had twice +as many force-meat balls as Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty +nearly all the oysters out of the sauce-boat. Once, Roundhand was +going to help Gus before me; when his wife, who was seated at the +head of the table, looking very big and fierce in red crape and a +turban, shouted out, "ANTONY!" and poor R. dropped the plate, and +blushed as red as anything. How Mrs. R. did talk to me about the +West End to be sure! She had a "Peerage," as you may be certain, +and knew everything about the Drum family in a manner that quite +astonished me. She asked me how much Lord Drum had a year; whether +I thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty +thousand a year; whether I was invited to Drum Castle; what the +young ladies wore, and if they had those odious gigot sleeves which +were just coming in then; and here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of +large mottled arms that she was very proud of. + +"I say, Sam my boy!" cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. +Roundhand, who had been passing the port-wine round pretty freely, +"I hope you looked to the main chance, and put in a few shares of +the West Diddlesex,--hey?" + +"Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs?" cries +the lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation. + +"No, Milly, I've emptied 'em," says R. + +"Don't Milly me, sir! and have the goodness to go down and tell +Lancy my maid" (a look at me) "to make the tea in the study. We +have a gentleman here who is not USED to Pentonville ways" (another +look); "but he won't mind the ways of FRIENDS." And here Mrs. +Roundhand heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look +that was so severe, that I declare to goodness it made me look +quite foolish. As to Gus, she never so much as spoke to him all +the evening; but he consoled himself with a great lot of muffins, +and sat most of the evening (it was a cruel hot summer) whistling +and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I think I should like +to have been with them,--for it was very close in the room with +that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on the +sofa. + +"Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?" I +heard Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the +girls coming home from church. "You and me with our coats off, +plenty of cold rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a +whole box of Manillas?" + +"Hush!" said Roundhand, quite eagerly; "Milly will hear." + +But Milly didn't hear: for she was occupied in telling me an +immense long story about her waltzing with the Count de +Schloppenzollern at the City ball to the Allied Sovereigns; and how +the Count had great large white moustaches; and how odd she thought +it to go whirling round the room with a great man's arm round your +waist. "Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it since our marriage-- +never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a proper +compliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young +ladies, of the best families in the City of London, I assure you, +Mr. Titmarsh--there was the Lord Mayor's own daughters; Alderman +Dobbins's gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great +house in Baker Street; and your humble servant, who was rather +slimmer in those days--twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on +purpose, and practised waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall at +the Mansion House. He was a splendid man, that Count +Schloppenzollern!" + +"I am sure, ma'am," says I, "he had a splendid partner!" and +blushed up to my eyes when I said it. + +"Get away, you naughty creature!" says Mrs. Roundhand, giving me a +great slap: "you're all the same, you men in the West End--all +deceivers. The Count was just like you. Heigho! Before you +marry, it's all honey and compliments; when you win us, it's all +coldness and indifference. Look at Roundhand, the great baby, +trying to beat down a butterfly with his yellow bandanna! Can a +man like THAT comprehend me? can he fill the void in my heart?" +(She pronounced it without the h; but that there should be no +mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.) "Ah, no! Will YOU +be so neglectful when YOU marry, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, +and I fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, +walking home to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the +bells were chiming and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, +and the river shining in the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and +silver. There was my dear Mary a hundred and twenty miles off, in +Somersetshire, walking home from church along with Mr. Snorter's +family, with which she came and went; and I was listening to the +talk of this great leering vulgar woman. + +I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you +have heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my +chest, I tore my fingers with the point of my new DIAMOND-PIN. Mr. +Polonius had sent it home the night before, and I sported it for +the first time at Roundhand's to dinner. + +"It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand. "I have been +looking at it all dinner-time. How rich you must be to wear such +splendid things! and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the +City--you who have such great acquaintances at the West End?" + +The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off +the sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word,--ay, +and half broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the +gents in the open air. "Gus," says I, "I feel very unwell: I wish +you'd come home with me." And Gus did not desire anything better; +for he had ogled the last girl out of the last church, and the +night was beginning to fall. + +"What! already?" said Mrs. Roundhand; "there is a lobster coming +up,--a trifling refreshment; not what he's accustomed to, but--" + +I am sorry to say I nearly said, "D- the lobster!" as Roundhand +went and whispered to her that I was ill. + +"Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing. "Recollect, Mrs. R., that he +was AT THE WEST END on Thursday, asked to dine, ma'am, with the +tip-top nobs. Chaps don't dine at the West End for nothing, do +they, R.? If you play at BOWLS, you know--" + +"You must look out for RUBBERS," said Roundhand, as quick as +thought. + +"Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R., looking very fierce +and angry. "Not a card shall be touched here. Are we in a +Protestant land, sir? in a Christian country?" + +"My dear, you don't understand. We were not talking of rubbers of +whist." + +"There shall be NO game at all in the house of a Sabbath eve," said +Mrs. Roundhand; and out she flounced from the room, without ever so +much as wishing us good-night. + +"Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened,--"do +stay. She won't come back while you're here; and I do wish you'd +stay so." + +But we wouldn't: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave Gus +a lecture about spending his Sundays idly; and read out one of +Blair's sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over in bed, I +could not help thinking about the luck the pin had brought me; and +it was not over yet, as you will see in the next chapter. + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE + +To tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it +almost the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure you it was +by no means the last thing in my thoughts. It had come home from +Mr. Polonius's, as I said, on Saturday night; and Gus and I +happened to be out enjoying ourselves, half-price, at Sadler's +Wells; and perhaps we took a little refreshment on our way back: +but that has nothing to do with my story. + +On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's; and +when I took it out,--MY, how the diamond did twinkle and glitter by +the light of our one candle! + +"I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus. "I've +read they do in--in history." + +It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the "Arabian +Nights," as I knew very well. But we put the candle out, +nevertheless, to try. + +"Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place!" +says Gus; but the fact was, that there was a gas-lamp opposite our +window, and I believe that was the reason why we could see pretty +well. At least in my bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without +a candle, and of which the window looked out on a dead wall, I +could not see a wink, in spite of the Hoggarty diamond, and was +obliged to grope about in the dark for a pincushion which Somebody +gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary Smith), and in which I +stuck it for the night. But, somehow, I did not sleep much for +thinking of it, and woke very early in the morning; and, if the +truth must be told, stuck it in my night-gown, like a fool, and +admired myself very much in the glass. + +Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and +especially since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, he +thought I was the finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his +"West End friend" everywhere. + +As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black satin +stock to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the frill of my +best shirt, which tore the muslin sadly, by the way. However, the +diamond had its effect on my entertainers, as we have seen; rather +too much perhaps on one of them; and next day I wore it down at the +office, as Gus would make me do; though it did not look near so +well in the second day's shirt as on the first day, when the linen +was quite clear and bright with Somersetshire washing. + +The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that +snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth clerk,--out of envy because I +did not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carum-gorum, or +some such thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, as he called it,-- +all except M'Whirter, I say, were delighted with it; and Abednego +himself, who ought to know, as his father was in the line, told me +the jewel was worth at least ten poundsh, and that his governor +would give me as much for it. + +"That's a proof," says Roundhand, "that Tit's diamond is worth at +least thirty." And we all laughed, and agreed it was. + +Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag +paid me, turned my head a little; and as all the chaps said I MUST +have a black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to +buy a stock that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's in +Piccadilly: for Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, +and have none of our cheap and common East End stuff. I might have +had one for sixteen and six in Cheapside, every whit as good; but +when a young lad becomes vain, and wants to be fashionable, you see +he can't help being extravagant. + +Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of +venison business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right +Honourable Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was +her Ladyship's first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me, +and no worse than before. + +Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for +Rottenburgh; and being considered one of the richest men in the +City of London, used to receive all the great people of the land at +his villa at Fulham; and we often read in the papers of the rare +doings going on there. + +Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely +with making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a +haunch of venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at +Roundhand's above described, my diamond had other honours in store +for me, and procured me the honour of an invitation to the house of +our director, Mr. Brough. + +Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his +house at Fulham; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought +back by one or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of +the most magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw +Members of Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and +ladies without end. There was everything and everybody of the tip- +top sort; and I have heard that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, +supplied the ices, supper, and footmen,--though of the latter +Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to serve the host of people +who came to him. The party, it must be remembered, was MRS. +Brough's party, not the gentleman's,--he being in the Dissenting +way, would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the kind: but +he told his City friends that his lady governed him in everything; +and it was generally observed that most of them would allow their +daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the immense +number of the nobility which our director assembled together: Mrs. +Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one of her ears to go; +but, as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her. + +Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother +of an East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited, +as we knew very well: for they had received their invitations many +weeks before, and bragged about them not a little. But two days +before the ball, and after my diamond-pin had had its due effect +upon the gents at the office, Abednego, who had been in the +directors' room, came to my desk with a great smirk, and said, +"Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come down with Roundhand +to the ball on Thursday." I thought Moses was joking,--at any +rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one; for people don't +usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way; +but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and confirmed it, +saying, as he was going out of the office, "Mr. Titmarsh, you will +come down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough's party, where you will see +some relations of yours." + +"West End again!" says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly down I +went, taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself, +Gutch, and me, and for which he very generously paid eight +shillings. + +There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps +in the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that +came in at the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor +the ices, fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within. +The whole description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, +by a reporter who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the +way, and told it in his journal in the most accurate manner; +getting an account of the dresses of the great people from their +footmen and coachmen, when they came to the alehouse for their +porter. As for the names of the guests, they, you may be sure, +found their way to the same newspaper: and a great laugh was had +at my expense, because among the titles of the great people +mentioned my name appeared in the list of the "Honourables." Next +day, Brough advertised "a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an +emerald necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at +Fulham;" though some of our people said that no such thing was lost +at all, and that Brough only wanted to advertise the magnificence +of his society; but this doubt was raised by persons not invited, +and envious no doubt. + +Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in +my best clothes, viz. my blue coat and brass buttons before +mentioned, nankeen trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, +and a pair of white gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat +was of country make, very high in the waist and short in the +sleeves, and I suppose must have looked rather odd to some of the +great people assembled, for they stared at me a great deal, and a +whole crowd formed to see me dance--which I did to the best of my +power, performing all the steps accurately and with great agility, +as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country. + +And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? With no less +a person than Lady Jane Preston; who, it appears, had not gone out +of town, and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, +and asked me to dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady +Fanny Rakes for our vis-a-vis. + +You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and +admired my dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite +different to the rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who +walked through the quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and +stared at my activity with all their might. But when I have a +dance I like to enjoy myself: and Mary Smith often said I was the +very best partner at our assemblies. While we were dancing, I told +Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I, had come down three in a +cab, besides the driver; and my account of our adventures made her +Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me that I didn't +go back in the same vehicle; for the driver went and intoxicated +himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head clerk as +he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch afterwards and +blacked his eye, because he said that Gutch's red waistcoat +frightened the horse. + +Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for +she said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I +would accept it; and positively, at two o'clock in the morning, +there was I, after setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to +Salisbury Square in a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps +and two tall footmen, who nearly knocked the door and the whole +little street down with the noise they made at the rapper. You +should have seen Gus's head peeping out of window in his white +nightcap! He kept me up the whole night telling him about the +ball, and the great people I had seen there; and next day he told +at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries upon +them. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great +fat curious man, the master of the house? Do you know he asked me +if you were not related to us? and I said, 'Oh, yes, you were.'" + +"Fanny!" says Lady Jane. + +"Well," answered the other, "did not Grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh +was her cousin?" + +"But you know that Grandmamma's memory is not very good." + +"Indeed, you're wrong, Lady Jane," says my Lord; "I think it's +prodigious." + +"Yes, but not very--not very accurate." + +"No, my Lady," says I; "for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum, +said, if you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins--" + +"Whose cause you supported so bravely," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot +be, for I know all his family: they live in Skinner Street and St. +Mary Axe, and are not--not quite so RESPECTABLE as MY relatives." + +At this they all began to laugh; and my Lord said, rather haughtily +- + +"Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your +cousin than she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson." + +"Hoskins, my Lord--and so I told Gus; but you see he is very fond +of me, and WILL have it that I am related to Lady D.: and say what +I will to the contrary, tells the story everywhere. Though to be +sure," added I with a laugh, "it has gained me no small good in my +time." So I described to the party our dinner at Mrs. Roundhand's, +which all came from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as a +connection of the aristocracy. Then I thanked Lady Jane handsomely +for her magnificent present of fruit and venison, and told her that +it had entertained a great number of kind friends of mine, who had +drunk her Ladyship's health with the greatest gratitude. + +"A HAUNCH OF VENISON!" cried Lady Jane, quite astonished; "indeed, +Mr. Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you." + +As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and +turning her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff. + +"Why, Lady Jane," said he, "if the truth must out, the great haunch +of venison trick was one of this young lady's performing. You must +know that I had received the above-named haunch from Lord +Guttlebury's park: and knowing that Preston is not averse to +Guttlebury venison, was telling Lady Drum (in whose carriage I had +a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was not in the way), that I +intended the haunch for your husband's table. Whereupon my Lady +Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and vowed that +the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a +gentleman about whose adventures on the day previous we had just +been talking--to Mr. Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny +vowed, had used most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation +was due. So my Lady Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my +rooms in the Albany (you know I am only to stay in my bachelor's +quarters a month longer)--" + +"Nonsense!" says Lady Fanny. + +"--Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, +extracting thence the above-named haunch--" + +"Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the +City, where the venison was left, in company with a couple of +baskets of fruit bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself." + +"And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made Grandmamma go into +Fr--into Lord Tiptoff's rooms, and dictated out of my own mouth the +letter which he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his +hideous old housekeeper brought us--I am quite jealous of her--I +pinned up the haunch of venison in a copy of the John Bull +newspaper." + +It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus +and I read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed ourselves +with laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and +good-natured Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped +I would too: which I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose +to repeat the offence. + +I never had any more venison from the family; but I'll tell you +WHAT I had. About a month after came a card of "Lord and Lady +Tiptoff," and a great piece of plum-cake; of which, I am sorry to +say, Gus ate a great deal too much. + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND +HAD THERE + +Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after Mrs. +Brough's grand party, our director called me up to his room at the +West Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking +awhile about business, said, "That's a very fine diamond-pin, +Master Titmarsh" (he spoke in a grave patronising way), "and I +called you on purpose to speak to you upon the subject. I do not +object to seeing the young men of this establishment well and +handsomely dressed; but I know that their salaries cannot afford +ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you with a thing of such +value. You have paid for it, sir,-- I trust you have paid for it; +for, of all things, my dear--dear young friend, beware of debt." + +I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about +debt and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had +been asking about it already, and how I came by it--Abednego told +me so. "Why, sir," says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told +you that I had told him--" + +"Oh, ay-by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh--I do recollect-- +yes; though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I have other more +important things to remember." + +"Oh, sir, in course," says I. + +"That one of the clerks DID say something about a pin--that one of +the other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, was +it?" + +"It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle +Hoggarty," said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud of +Castle Hoggarty. + +"She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh?" + +"Why, thank you, sir," says I, "she is pretty well off. Four +hundred a year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir; three houses at +Squashtail; and three thousand two hundred loose cash at the +banker's, as I happen to know, sir,--THAT'S ALL." + +I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in +Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's agent in Ireland, wrote to +say that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just +been paid off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. Ireland +was in a very disturbed state in those days; and my aunt wisely +determined not to invest her money in that country any more, but to +look out for some good security in England. However, as she had +always received six per cent. in Ireland, she would not hear of a +smaller interest; and had warned me, as I was a commercial man, on +coming to town, to look out for some means by which she could +invest her money at that rate at least. + +"And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so +accurately?" said Mr. Brough; upon which I told him. + +"Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West +Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as to +the manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her +about the Company which you have the honour to serve? Do you mean, +sir, that you, knowing there was a bonus of five per cent. for +yourself upon shares taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join +us?" + +"Sir," says I, "I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from +my own relation." + +"Honest I know you are, my boy--give me your hand! So am I honest- +-so is every man in this Company honest; but we must be prudent as +well. We have five millions of capital on our books, as you see-- +five bona fide millions of bona fide sovereigns paid up, sir,-- +there is no dishonesty there. But why should we not have twenty +millions--a hundred millions? Why should not this be the greatest +commercial Association in the world?--as it shall be, sir,--it +shall, as sure as my name is John Brough, if Heaven bless my honest +endeavours to establish it! But do you suppose that it can be so, +unless every man among us use his utmost exertions to forward the +success of the enterprise? Never, sir,--never; and, for me, I say +so everywhere. I glory in what I do. There is not a house in +which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex. +There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to +some amount. My servants, sir,--my very servants and grooms, are +bound up with it. And the first question I ask of anyone who +applies to me for a place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in +the West Diddlesex? the second, Have you a good character? And if +the first question is answered in the negative, I say to the party +coming to me, Then be a shareholder before you ask for a place in +my household. Did you not see me--me, John Brough, whose name is +good for millions--step out of my coach-and-four into this office, +with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr. Roundhand as the +price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate? Did you +remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound?" + +"Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy- +three ten and six--Thursday week," says I. + +"And why did I deduct that shilling, sir? Because it was MY +COMMISSION--John Brough's commission; honestly earned by him, and +openly taken. Was there any disguise about it? No. Did I do it +for the love of a shilling? No," says Brough, laying his hand on +his heart, "I did it from PRINCIPLE,--from that motive which guides +every one of my actions, as I can look up to Heaven and say. I +wish all my young men to see my example, and follow it: I wish--I +pray that they may. Think of that example, sir. That porter of +mine has a sick wife and nine young children: he is himself a sick +man, and his tenure of life is feeble; he has earned money, sir, in +my service--sixty pounds and more--it is all his children have to +look to--all: but for that, in the event of his death, they would +be houseless beggars in the street. And what have I done for that +family, sir? I have put that money out of the reach of Robert +Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his family +at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares in this office; +and Robert Gates, my lodge-porter, is a holder of three shares in +the West Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your master +and mine. Do you think I want to CHEAT Gates?" + +"Oh, sir!" says I. + +"To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent +children!--you can't think so, sir; I should be a disgrace to human +nature if I did. But what boots all my energy and perseverance? +What though I place my friends' money, my family's money, my own +money--my hopes, wishes, desires, ambitions--all upon this +enterprise? You young men will not do so. You, whom I treat with +love and confidence as my children, make no return to me. When I +toil, you remain still; when I struggle, you look on. Say the word +at once,--you doubt me! O heavens, that this should be the reward +of all my care and love for you!" + +Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, +and I confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which I had +been guilty. + +"Sir," says I, "I am very--very sorry: it was a matter of +delicacy, rather than otherwise, which induced me not to speak to +my aunt about the West Diddlesex." + +"Delicacy, my dear dear boy--as if there can be any delicacy about +making your aunt's fortune! Say indifference to me, say +ingratitude, say folly,--but don't say delicacy--no, no, not +delicacy. Be honest, my boy, and call things by their right names- +-always do." + +"It WAS folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I: "I see it all +now; and I'll write to my aunt this very post." + +"You had better do no such thing," says Brough, bitterly: "the +stocks are at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per cent. for +her money." + +"I WILL write, sir,--upon my word and honour, I will write." + +"Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never +break your word--no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh. Send me up the +letter when you have done, and I'll frank it--upon my word and +honour I will," says Mr. Brough, laughing, and holding out his hand +to me. + +I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly--"You may as well sit +down here," says he, as he kept hold of it; "there is plenty of +paper." + +And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote, +"Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822," and "My dear +Aunt," in the best manner possible. Then I paused a little, +thinking what I should next say; for I have always found that +difficulty about letters. The date and My dear So-and-so one +writes off immediately--it is the next part which is hard; and I +put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my chair, and began to +think about it. + +"Bah!" said Brough, "are you going to be about this letter all day, +my good fellow? Listen to me, and I'll dictate to you in a +moment." So he began:- + + +"My Dear Aunt,--Since my return from Somersetshire, I am very happy +indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing director of +our Association and the Board, that they have been good enough to +appoint me third clerk--" + + +"Sir!" says I. + +"Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by the board +yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes the title of secretary +and actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego follows +him; and I place you as third clerk--as + + +"third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds +per annum. This news will, I know, gratify my dear mother and you, +who have been a second mother to me all my life. + +"When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to the +best mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless in +your banker's hands. I have since lost no opportunity of gaining +what information I could: and situated here as I am, in the very +midst of affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a +person to apply to as many others of greater age and standing. + +"I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but +feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing so. I did not wish +that anyone should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could +move me in any way. + +"But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex +Association offers the best security that you can expect for your +capital, and, at the same time, the highest interest you can +anywhere procure. + +"The situation of the Company, as I have it from THE VERY BEST +AUTHORITY (underline that), is as follows:- + +"The subscribed and bona fide capital is FIVE MILLIONS STERLING. + +"The body of directors you know. Suffice it to say that the +managing director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and +Hoff, a Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. +Rothschild in the City of London. His private fortune, I know for +a fact, amounts to half a million; and the last dividends paid to +the shareholders of the I. W. D. Association amounted to 6.125 per +cent. per annum." + + +[That I know was the dividend declared by us.] + + +"Although the shares in the market are at a very great premium, it +is the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose of a certain +number, 5,000L. each at par; and if you, my dearest aunt, would +wish for 2,500L. worth, I hope you will allow me to oblige you by +offering you so much of my new privileges. + +"Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have +already an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market +price." + + +"But I haven't, sir," says I. + +"You have, sir. I will take the shares; but I want YOU. I want as +many respectable persons in the Company as I can bring. I want you +because I like you, and I don't mind telling you that I have views +of my own as well; for I am an honest man and say openly what I +mean, and I'll tell you WHY I want you. I can't, by the +regulations of the Company, have more than a certain number of +votes, but if your aunt takes shares, I expect--I don't mind owning +it--that she will vote with me. NOW do you understand me? My +object is to be all in all with the Company; and if I be, I will +make it the most glorious enterprise that ever was conducted in the +City of London." + +So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank. + +The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's desk, +being led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, much to +the annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their +services: though, as for the matter of that, our services were +very much alike: the Company was only three years old, and the +oldest clerk in it had not six months' more standing in it than I. +"Look out," said that envious M'Whirter to me. "Have you got +money, or have any of your relations money? or are any of them +going to put it into the concern?" + +I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his +mull, and was always kind to him; and he, to say the truth, was +always most civil to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I +was a superior being; and I must say that the rest of the chaps +behaved very kindly in the matter, and said that if one man were to +be put over their heads before another, they would have pitched +upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and done little +kindnesses to several. + +"I know," says Abednego, "how you got the place. It was I who got +it you. I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston's, the Lord of +the Treasury, had venison from him and all that; and depend upon it +he expects that you will be able to do him some good in that +quarter." + +I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because +our governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my +cousin; told me to push the concern in the West End of the town, +get as many noblemen as we could to insure with us, and so on. It +was in vain I said I could do nothing with Mr. Preston. "Bah! +bah!" says Mr. Brough, "don't tell ME. People don't send haunches +of venison to you for nothing;" and I'm convinced he thought I was +a very cautious prudent fellow, for not bragging about my great +family, and keeping my connection with them a secret. To be sure +he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived with me; but +Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the nobility, +and boasted about me ten times as much as I did myself. + +The chaps used to call me the "West Ender." + +"See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty giving me a +diamond-pin! What a lucky thing it is that she did not give me the +money, as I hoped she would! Had I not had the pin--had I even +taken it to any other person but Mr. Polonius, Lady Drum would +never have noticed me; had Lady Drum never noticed me, Mr. Brough +never would, and I never should have been third clerk of the West +Diddlesex." + +I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my +appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning that a +"certain event," for which one of us was longing very earnestly, +might come off sooner than we had expected. And why not? Miss +S.'s own fortune was 70L. a year, mine was 150L., and when we had +300L., we always vowed we would marry. "Ah!" thought I, "if I +could but go to Somersetshire now, I might boldly walk up to old +Smith's door" (he was her grandfather, and a half-pay lieutenant of +the navy), "I might knock at the knocker and see my beloved Mary in +the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak behind hayricks on the +look-out for her, or pelt stones at midnight at her window." + +My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter. +She had not determined, she said, as to the manner in which she +should employ her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer +into consideration; begging me to keep my shares open for a little +while, until her mind was made up. + +What, then, does Mr. Brough do? I learned afterwards, in the year +1830, when he and the West Diddlesex Association had disappeared +altogether, how he had proceeded. + +"Who are the attorneys at Slopperton?" says he to me in a careless +way. + +"Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. Hodge +and Smithers the Liberals." I knew them very well, for the fact +is, before Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather +partial to Miss Hodge, and her great gold-coloured ringlets; but +Mary came and soon put HER nose out of joint, as the saying is. + +"And you are of what politics?" + +"Why, sir, we are Liberals." I was rather ashamed of this, for Mr. +Brough was an out-and-out Tory; but Hodge and Smithers is a most +respectable firm. I brought up a packet from them to Hickson, +Dixon, Paxton, and Jackson, OUR solicitors, who are their London +correspondents. + +Mr. Brough only said, "Oh, indeed!" and did not talk any further on +the subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very much. + +"Titmarsh, my dear boy," says he, "I have a young lady at Fulham +who is worth seeing, I assure you, and who has heard so much about +you from her father (for I like you, my boy, I don't care to own +it), that she is rather anxious to see you too. Suppose you come +down to us for a week? Abednego will do your work." + +"Law, sir! you are very kind," says I. + +"Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret. +But hark ye! I don't think, my dear fellow, you are quite smart +enough--quite well enough dressed. Do you understand me?" + +"I've my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir." + +"What! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that you +wore at Mrs. Brough's party?" (It WAS rather high-waisted, being +made in the country two years before.) "No--no, that will never +do. Get some new clothes, sir,--two new suits of clothes." + +"Sir!" says I, "I'm already, if the truth must be told, very short +of money for this quarter, and can't afford myself a new suit for a +long time to come." + +"Pooh, pooh! don't let that annoy you. Here's a ten-pound note-- +but no, on second thoughts, you may as well go to my tailor's. +I'll drive you down there: and never mind the bill, my good lad!" +And drive me down he actually did, in his grand coach-and-four, to +Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford Street, who took my measure, and sent +me home two of the finest coats ever seen, a dress-coat and a +frock, a velvet waist-coat, a silk ditto, and three pairs of +pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told me to get some +boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings; so that when the +time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome as +any young nobleman, and Gus said that "I looked, by Jingo, like a +regular tip-top swell." + +In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to Hodge +and Smithers:- + +"RAM ALLEY, CORNHILL, LONDON: July 1822. + +"DEAR SIRS, + +* * * + +[This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon +v. Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, I am not +permitted to extract.] + +* * * + +"Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the +Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of +which we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We wrote +to you last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton and +Somerset agency for the same, and have been expecting for some time +back that either shares or assurances should be effected by you. + +"The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions sterling +(say 5,000,000L.), and we are in a situation to offer more than the +usual commission to our agents of the legal profession. We shall +be happy to give a premium of 6 per cent. for shares to the amount +of 1,000L., 6.5 per cent. above a thousand, to be paid immediately +upon the taking of the shares. + +"I am, dear Sirs, for self and partners, +"Yours most faithfully, +"SAMUEL JACKSON." + + +This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time +afterwards. I knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my new +suit of clothes, I went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, +residence of John Brough, Esquire, M.P. + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY + +If I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery +properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome +country place; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, +handsome shrubberies and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, +kitchen-gardens, and everything belonging to a first-rate rus in +urbe, as the great auctioneer called it when he hammered it down +some years after. + +I arrived on a Saturday at half-an-hour before dinner: a grave +gentleman out of livery showed me to my room; a man in a chocolate +coat and gold lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me +a silver shaving-pot of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand +dinner was ready at six, at which I had the honour of appearing in +Von Stiltz's dress-coat and my new silk stockings and pumps. + +Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his +lady, a stout fair-haired woman, in light blue satin; then to his +daughter, a tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking +very ill-natured, and about eighteen. + +"Belinda my love," said her papa, "this young gentleman is one of +my clerks, who was at our ball." + +"Oh, indeed!" says Belinda, tossing up her head. + +"But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda,--so, if you please, we will +have none of your aristocratic airs with him. He is a nephew of +the Countess of Drum; and I hope he will soon be very high in our +establishment, and in the city of London." + +At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error +about our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and +stared at me very hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery +pleasant to any friend of Papa's. "We have not much MONDE to-day," +continued Miss Brough, "and are only in petit comite; but I hope +before you leave us you will see some societe that will make your +sejour agreeable." + +I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the +French language in this way. + +"Isn't she a fine girl?" said Brough, whispering to me, and +evidently as proud of her as a man could be. "Isn't she a fine +girl--eh, you dog? Do you see breeding like that in +Somersetshire?" + +"No, sir, upon my word!" answered I, rather slily; for I was +thinking all the while how "Somebody" was a thousand times more +beautiful, simple, and ladylike. + +"And what has my dearest love been doing all day?" said her papa. + +"Oh, Pa! I have PINCED the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's +flute. Didn't I, Captain Fizgig?" + +Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, your fair +daughter PINCED the harp, and TOUCHED the piano, and EGRATIGNED the +guitar, and ECORCHED a song or two; and we had the pleasure of a +PROMENADE A L'EAU,--of a walk upon the water." + +"Law, Captain!" cries Mrs. Brough, "walk on the water?" + +"Hush, Mamma, you don't understand French!" says Miss Belinda, with +a sneer. + +"It's a sad disadvantage, madam," says Fizgig, gravely; "and I +recommend you and Brough here, who are coming out in the great +world, to have some lessons; or at least get up a couple of dozen +phrases, and introduce them into your conversation here and there. +I suppose, sir, you speak it commonly at the office, Mr. What you +call it?" And Mr. Fizgig put his glass into his eye and looked at +me. + +"We speak English, sir," says I, "knowing it better than French." + +"Everybody has not had your opportunities," Miss Brough, continued +the gentleman. "Everybody has not VOYAGE like NOUS AUTRES, hey? +Mais que voulez-vous, my good sir? you must stick to your cursed +ledgers and things. What's the French for ledger, Miss Belinda?" + +"How can you ask? Je n'en scais rien, I'm sure." + +"You should learn, Miss Brough," said her father. "The daughter of +a British merchant need not be ashamed of the means by which her +father gets his bread. I'M not ashamed--I'm not proud. Those who +know John Brough, know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like +my friend Titmarsh here, and is now worth half-a-million. Is there +any man in the House better listened to than John Brough? Is there +any duke in the land that can give a better dinner than John +Brough; or a larger fortune to his daughter than John Brough? Why, +sir, the humble person now speaking to you could buy out many a +German duke! But I'm not proud--no, no, not proud. There's my +daughter--look at her--when I die, she will be mistress of my +fortune; but am I proud? No! Let him who can win her, marry her, +that's what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son of a peer of the +realm; or you, Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I +care, hey?--what do I care?" + +"O-o-oh!" sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd: a +very pale young man, with a black riband round his neck instead of +a handkerchief, and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. He +was leaning against the mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green +eyes ogling Miss Brough with all his might. + +"Oh, John--my dear John!" cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her husband's +hand and kissing it, "you are an angel, that you are!" + +"Isabella, don't flatter me; I'm a MAN,--a plain downright citizen +of London, without a particle of pride, except in you and my +daughter here--my two Bells, as I call them! This is the way that +we live, Titmarsh my boy: ours is a happy, humble, Christian home, +and that's all. Isabella, leave go my hand!" + +"Mamma, you mustn't do so before company; it's odious!" shrieked +Miss B.; and Mamma quietly let the hand fall, and heaved from her +ample bosom a great large sigh. I felt a liking for that simple +woman, and a respect for Brough too. He couldn't be a bad man, +whose wife loved him so. + +Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss +B., who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain Fizgig, +because that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. He sat +on the right of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat +next to him, leaving me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at the +opposite side of the table. + +At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey +afterwards of course. How is it that at all the great dinners they +have this perpetual boiled turkey? It was real turtle-soup: the +first time I had ever tasted it; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who +insisted on helping it, gave all the green lumps of fat to her +husband, and put several slices of the breast of the bird under the +body, until it came to his turn to be helped. + +"I'm a plain man," says John, "and eat a plain dinner. I hate your +kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for those who are not of my +way of thinking. I'm no egotist, look you; I've no prejudices; and +Miss there has her bechamels and fallals according to her taste. +Captain, try the volly-vong." + +We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great +silver tankards of porter, which those might take who chose. +Brough made especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the +ladies retired, said, "Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an +unlimited supply of wine: there's no stinting here;" and then laid +himself down in his easy-chair and fell asleep. + +"He always does so," whispered Mr. Tidd to me. + +"Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins," says the Captain. +"That other claret we had yesterday is loaded, and disagrees with +me infernally!" + +I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt Hoggarty's +Rosolio. + +I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing for. + +"Isn't she a glorious creature?" says he to me. + +"Who, sir?" says I. + +"Miss Belinda, to be sure!" cried Tidd. "Did mortal ever look upon +eyes like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure?" + +"She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, +"and a little less eyebrow. They look vicious, those scowling +eyebrows, in a girl. Qu'en dites-vous, Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss +Brough would say?" + +"I think it remarkably good claret, sir," says I. + +"Egad, you're the right sort of fellow!" says the Captain. "Volto +sciolto, eh? You respect our sleeping host yonder?" + +"That I do, sir, as the first man in the city of London, and my +managing director." + +"And so do I," says Tidd; "and this day fortnight, when I'm of age, +I'll prove my confidence too." + +"As how?" says I. + +"Why, sir, you must know that I come into--ahem--a considerable +property, sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made--in +business." + +"Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd." + +"He WAS a tailor, sir,--but what of that? I've had a University +education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; as much--ay, +perhaps, and more, than some members of an effete aristocracy." + +"Tidd, don't be severe!" says the Captain, drinking a tenth glass. + +"Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable +property; and Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me +twelve hundred a year for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have +promised to invest them." + +"In the West Diddlesex, sir?" says I--"in our office?" + +"No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and quite +as good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my family, +sir, and he has taken a great liking to me; and he says that with +my talents I ought to get into Parliament; and then--and then! +after I have laid out my patrimony, I may look to MATRIMONY, you +see!" + +"Oh, you designing dog!" said the Captain. "When I used to lick +you at school, who ever would have thought that I was thrashing a +sucking statesman?" + +"Talk away, boys!" said Brough, waking out of his sleep; "I only +sleep with half an eye, and hear you all. Yes, you shall get into +Parliament, Tidd my man, or my name's not Brough! You shall have +six per cent. for your money, or never believe me! But as for my +daughter--ask HER, and not me. You, or the Captain, or Titmarsh, +may have her, if you can get her. All I ask in a son-in-law is, +that he should be, as every one of you is, an honourable and high- +minded man!" + +Tidd at this looked very knowing; and as our host sank off to sleep +again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at the +Captain. + +"Bah!" says the Captain. "I say what I think; and you may tell +Miss Brough if you like." And so presently this conversation +ended, and we were summoned in to coffee. After which the Captain +sang songs with Miss Brough; Tidd looked at her and said nothing; I +looked at prints, and Mrs. Brough sat knitting stockings for the +poor. The Captain was sneering openly at Miss Brough and her +affected ways and talk; but in spite of his bullying contemptuous +way I thought she seemed to have a great regard for him, and to +bear his scorn very meekly. + +At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knightsbridge, +and Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day being Sunday, a great bell +woke us at eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfast- +room, where Mr. Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an +exhortation afterwards, to us and all the members of the household; +except the French cook, Monsieur Nontong-paw, whom I could see, +from my chair, walking about in the shrubberies in his white night- +cap, smoking a cigar. + +Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went +through the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers; but +though this man was a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I'm not +going to laugh at the family prayers, or say he was a hypocrite +BECAUSE he had them. There are many bad and good men who don't go +through the ceremony at all; but I am sure the good men would be +the better for it, and am not called upon to settle the question +with respect to the bad ones; and therefore I have passed over a +great deal of the religious part of Mr. Brough's behaviour: +suffice it, that religion was always on his lips; that he went to +church thrice every Sunday, when he had not a party; and if he did +not talk religion with us when we were alone, had a great deal to +say upon the subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had +a Quaker and Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as +grave as that of any minister present. Tidd was not there that +day,--for nothing could make him forsake his Byron riband or +refrain from wearing his collars turned down; so Tidd was sent with +the buggy to Astley's. "And hark ye, Titmarsh my boy," said he, +"leave your diamond pin upstairs: our friends to-day don't like +such gewgaws; and though for my part I am no enemy to harmless +ornaments, yet I would not shock the feelings of those who have +sterner opinions. You will see that my wife and Miss Brough +consult my wishes in this respect." And so they did,--for they +both came down to dinner in black gowns and tippets; whereas Miss +B. had commonly her dress half off her shoulders. + +The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough +seemed always delighted to see HIM. One day I met him as I was +walking out alone by the river, and we had a long talk together. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says he, "from what little I have seen of you, you +seem to be an honest straight-minded young fellow; and I want some +information that you can give. Tell me, in the first place, if you +will--and upon my honour it shall go no farther--about this +Insurance Company of yours? You are in the City, and see how +affairs are going on. Is your concern a stable one?" + +"Sir," said I, "frankly then, and upon my honour too, I believe it +is. It has been set up only four years, it is true; but Mr. Brough +had a great name when it was established, and a vast connection. +Every clerk in the office has, to be sure, in a manner, paid for +his place, either by taking shares himself, or by his relations +taking them. I got mine because my mother, who is very poor, +devoted a small sum of money that came to us to the purchase of an +annuity for herself and a provision for me. The matter was debated +by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, who +are very well known in our part of the country; and it was agreed +on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for +all of us than invest it in this way. Brough alone is worth half a +million of money, and his name is a host in itself. Nay, more: I +wrote the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum +of money in loose cash, and who had consulted me as to the disposal +of it, to invest it in our office. Can I give you any better proof +of my opinion of its solvency?" + +"Did Brough persuade you in any way?" + +"Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me his +motives, and tells them to us all as honestly. He says, +'Gentlemen, it is my object to increase the connection of the +office, as much as possible. I want to crush all the other offices +in London. Our terms are lower than any office, and we can bear to +have them lower, and a great business will come to us that way. +But we must work ourselves as well. Every single shareholder and +officer of the establishment must exert himself, and bring us +customers,--no matter for how little they are engaged--engage them: +that is the great point.' And accordingly our Director makes all +his friends and servants shareholders: his very lodge-porter +yonder is a shareholder; and he thus endeavours to fasten upon all +whom he comes near. I, for instance, have just been appointed over +the heads of our gents, to a much better place than I held. I am +asked down here, and entertained royally: and why? Because my +aunt has three thousand pounds which Mr. Brough wants her to invest +with us." + +"That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh." + +"Not a whit, sir: he makes no disguise of the matter. When the +question is settled one way or the other, I don't believe Mr. +Brough will take any further notice of me. But he wants me now. +This place happened to fall in just at the very moment when he had +need of me; and he hopes to gain over my family through me. He +told me as much as we drove down. 'You are a man of the world, +Titmarsh,' said he; 'you know that I don't give you this place +because you are an honest fellow, and write a good hand. If I had +a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should only have given +you that; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in my power.'" + +"That's fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager for such a +small sum as three thousand pounds?" + +"If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more eager. +You don't know the city of London, and the passion which our great +men in the share-market have for increasing their connection. Mr. +Brough, sir, would canvass and wheedle a chimney-sweep in the way +of business. See, here is poor Tidd and his twenty thousand +pounds. Our Director has taken possession of him just in the same +way. He wants all the capital he can lay his hands on." + +"Yes, and suppose he runs off with the capital?" + +"Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir? Suppose the Bank +of England runs off! But here we are at the lodge-gate. Let's ask +Gates, another of Mr. Brough's victims." And we went in and spoke +to old Gates. + +"Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, "you are +one of my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex yonder?" + +"Yees, sure," says old Gates, grinning. He was a retired servant, +with a large family come to him in his old age. + +"May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can lay by +so much money, and purchase shares in our Company?" + +Gates told us his wages; and when we inquired whether they were +paid regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentleman in +the world: that he had put two of his daughters into service, two +of his sons to charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a +hundred other benefits that he had received from the family. Mrs. +Brough clothed half the children; master gave them blankets and +coats in winter, and soup and meat all the year round. There never +was such a generous family, sure, since the world began. + +"Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy you? Mr. +Brough gives to these people fifty times as much as he gains from +them; and yet he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our Company." + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "you are an honest fellow; and I +confess your argument sounds well. Now tell me, do you know +anything about Miss Brough and her fortune?" + +"Brough will leave her everything--or says so." But I suppose the +Captain saw some particular expression in my countenance, for he +laughed and said - + +"I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price. +Well, I don't know that you are far wrong." + +"Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you always +at her heels?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand pounds;" +and he went back to the house directly, and proposed for her. + +I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the +gentleman's part; for he had been introduced to the family by Mr. +Tidd, with whom he had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd +entirely in the great heiress's affections. Brough stormed, and +actually swore at his daughter (as the Captain told me afterwards) +when he heard that the latter had accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, +seeing the Captain, made him give his word that the engagement +should be kept secret for a few months. And Captain F. only made a +confidant of me, and the mess, as he said: but this was after Tidd +had paid his twenty thousand pounds over to our governor, which he +did punctually when he came of age. The same day, too, he proposed +for the young lady, and I need not say was rejected. Presently the +Captain's engagement began to be whispered about: all his great +relations, the Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of +Crabs, &c. came and visited the Brough family; the Hon. Henry +Ringwood became a shareholder in our Company, and the Earl of Crabs +offered to be. Our shares rose to a premium; our Director, his +lady, and daughter were presented at Court; and the great West +Diddlesex Association bid fair to be the first Assurance Office in +the kingdom. + +A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to +me to say that she had consulted with her attorneys, Messrs. Hodge +and Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the +sum as I advised. She had the sum invested, too, in my name, +paying me many compliments upon my honesty and talent; of which, +she said, Mr. Brough had given her the most flattering account. +And at the same time my aunt informed me that at her death the +shares should be my own. This gave me a great weight in the +Company, as you may imagine. At our next annual meeting, I +attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and had great pleasure in +hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, declare a dividend of +six per cent., that we all received over the counter. + +"You lucky young scoundrel!" said Brough to me; "do you know what +made me give you your place?" + +"Why, my aunt's money, to be sure, sir," said I. + +"No such thing. Do you fancy I cared for those paltry three +thousand pounds? I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum; and Lady +Drum is grandmother of Lady Jane Preston; and Mr. Preston is a man +who can do us a world of good. I knew that they had sent you +venison, and the deuce knows what; and when I saw Lady Jane at my +party shake you by the hand, and speak to you so kindly, I took all +Abednego's tales for gospel. THAT was the reason you got the +place, mark you, and not on account of your miserable three +thousand pounds. Well, sir, a fortnight after you were with us at +Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of having +given the place to his cousin. 'Confound the insolent scoundrel!' +said he; 'HE my cousin! I suppose you take all old Drum's stories +for true? Why, man, it's her mania: she never is introduced to a +man but she finds out a cousinship, and would not fail of course +with that cur of a Titmarsh!' 'Well,' said I, laughing, 'that cur +has got a good place in consequence, and the matter can't be +mended.' So you see," continued our Director, "that you were +indebted for your place, not to your aunt's money, but--" + +"But to MY AUNT'S DIAMOND PIN!" + +"Lucky rascal!" said Brough, poking me in the side and going out of +the way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I was. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH'S LIFE + +I don't know how it was that in the course of the next six months +Mr. Roundhand, the actuary, who had been such a profound admirer of +Mr. Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled +with both, and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of +his 5,000L. worth of shares to a pretty good profit, and went away, +speaking everything that was evil both of the Company and the +Director. + +Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was +first clerk, and your humble servant was second in the office at a +salary of 250L. a year. How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand's +aspersions of the West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our +meeting in January, 1823, when our Chief Director, in one of the +most brilliant speeches ever heard, declared that the half-yearly +dividend was 4L. per cent., at the rate of 8L. per cent. per annum; +and I sent to my aunt 120L. sterling as the amount of the interest +of the stock in my name. + +My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent me +back 10L. for my own pocket, and asked me if she had not better +sell Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this +admirable concern. + +On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of +Mr. Brough. Mr. B. told me that shares could not be had but at a +premium; but on my representing that I knew of 5,000L. worth in the +market at par, he said--"Well, if so, he would like a fair price +for his, and would not mind disposing of 5,000L. worth, as he had +rather a glut of West Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns +wanted feeding with ready money." At the end of our conversation, +of which I promised to report the purport to Mrs. Hoggarty, the +Director was so kind as to say that he had determined on creating a +place of private secretary to the Managing Director, and that I +should hold that office with an additional salary of 150L. + +I had 250L. a year, Miss Smith had 70L. per annum to her fortune. +What had I said should be my line of conduct whenever I could +realise 300L. a year? + +Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew of +my engagement with Mary Smith. Her father had been a commander in +the navy and a very distinguished officer; and though Mary, as I +have said, only brought me a fortune of 70L. a year, and I, as +everybody said, in my present position in the office and the City +of London, might have reasonably looked out for a lady with much +more money, yet my friends agreed that the connection was very +respectable, and I was content: as who would not have been with +such a darling as Mary? I am sure, for my part, I would not have +taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of Mary, even with a +plum to her fortune. + +Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as +of everything else relating to every clerk in the office; and I do +believe Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day. +Indeed, his knowledge of our affairs was wonderful. + +He asked me how Mary's money was invested. It was in the three per +cent. consols--2,333L. 6S. 8D. + +"Remember," says he, "my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to be may +have seven per cent. for her money at the very least, and on better +security than the Bank of England; for is not a Company of which +John Brough is the head better than any other company in England?" +and to be sure I thought he was not far wrong, and promised to +speak to Mary's guardians on the subject before our marriage. +Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather, had been at the first very much +averse to our union. (I must confess that, one day finding me +alone with her, and kissing, I believe, the tips of her little +fingers, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of doors.) +But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of 250L. a year, a promised fortune +of 150L. more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough of London, +was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor +clergyman's widow's son; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind +letter enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb's-wool +stockings and four ditto waistcoats from Romanis', and accepted +them too as a present from me when I went down in June--in happy +June of 1823--to fetch my dear Mary away. + +Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt's Slopperton +and Squashtail property, which she had not as yet sold, as she +talked of doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a +shame that any person in whom he took such interest, as he did in +all the relatives of his dear young friend, should only have three +per cent. for her money, when she could have eight elsewhere. He +always called me Sam now, praised me to the other young men (who +brought the praises regularly to me), said there was a cover always +laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly took me thither. There was +but little company when I went; and M'Whirter used to say he only +asked me on days when he had his vulgar acquaintances. But I did +not care for the great people, not being born in their sphere; and +indeed did not much care for going to the house at all. Miss +Belinda was not at all to my liking. After her engagement with +Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his 20,000L. and +Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our Director's +companies, Mr. Brough declared he believed that Captain Fizgig's +views were mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, by saying +that he must take Miss Brough without a farthing, or not have her +at all. Whereupon Captain Fizgig got an appointment in the +colonies, and Miss Brough became more ill-humoured than ever. But +I could not help thinking she was rid of a bad bargain, and pitying +poor Tidd, who came back to the charge again more love-sick than +ever, and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss Belinda. Her father +plainly told Tidd, too, that his visits were disagreeable to +Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he begged +him to discontinue his calls at the Rookery. Poor fellow! he had +paid his 20,000L. away for nothing! for what was six per cent. to +him compared to six per cent. and the hand of Miss Belinda Brough? + +Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called me, +so much, and felt such a warm sympathy in my well-being, that he +insisted on my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months' +leave; and away I went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brand- +new suits from Von Stiltz's in my trunk (I had them made, looking +forward to a certain event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant +Smith's fleecy hosiery; wrapping up a parcel of our prospectuses +and two letters from John Brough, Esq., to my mother our worthy +annuitant, and to Mrs. Hoggarty our excellent shareholder. Mr. +Brough said I was all that the fondest father could wish, that he +considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged Mrs. +Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her little landed property, as +land was high now and MUST FALL; whereas the West Diddlesex +Association shares were (comparatively) low, and must inevitably, +in the course of a year or two, double, treble, quadruple their +present value. + +In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear +Gus. As we parted in the yard of the "Bolt-in-Tun," Fleet Street, +I felt that I never should go back to Salisbury Square again, and +had made my little present to the landlady's family accordingly. +She said I was the respectablest gentleman she had ever had in her +house: nor was that saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rules of +the Fleet, and her lodgers used commonly to be prisoners on Rule +from that place. As for Gus, the poor fellow cried and blubbered +so that he could not eat a morsel of the muffins and grilled ham +with which I treated him for breakfast in the "Bolt-in-Tun" coffee- +house; and when I went away was waving his hat and his handkerchief +so in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe the wheels +of the "True Blue" went over his toes, for I heard him roaring as +we passed through the arch. Ah! how different were my feelings as +I sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the +coachman, to those I had the last time I mounted that coach, +parting from my dear Mary and coming to London with my DIAMOND PIN! + +When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, +where the "True Blue" generally stops to take a glass of ale at the +Poppleton Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, was +come into the country, so great was the concourse of people +assembled round the inn. And there was the landlord of the inn and +all the people of the village. Then there was Tom Wheeler, the +post-boy, from Mrs. Rincer's posting-hotel in our town; he was +riding on the old bay posters, and they, Heaven bless us! were +drawing my aunt's yellow chariot, in which she never went out but +thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her splendid cashmere +shawl and a new hat and feather. She waved a white handkerchief +out of the window, and Tom Wheeler shouted out "Huzza!" as did a +number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley: who, to be sure, +would huzza for anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler's part, +however! I remembered only a few years before how he had whipped +me from the box of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride +behind. + +Next to my aunt's carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of +Lieutenant Smith, R.N., who was driving his old fat pony with his +lady by his side. I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and +felt a little sad at seeing that SOMEBODY was not there. But, O +silly fellow! there was Somebody in the yellow chariot with my +aunt, blushing like a peony, I declare, and looking so happy!--oh, +so happy and pretty! She had a white dress, and a light blue and +yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty colours; though +what the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow, I don't +know to this day. + +Well, the "True Blue" guard made a great bellowing on his horn as +his four horses dashed away; the boys shouted again; I was placed +bodkin between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary; Tom Wheeler cut into his +bays; the Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and +whose big dog did not make the slightest attempt at biting me this +time) beat his pony till its fat sides lathered again; and thus in +this, I may say, unexampled procession, I arrived in triumph at our +village. + +My dear mother and the girls,--Heaven bless them!--nine of them in +their nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk for each +of them)--could not afford a carriage, but had posted themselves on +the road near the village; and there was such a waving of hands and +handkerchiefs: and though my aunt did not much notice them, except +by a majestic toss of the head, which is pardonable in a woman of +her property, yet Mary Smith did even more than I, and waved her +hands as much as the whole nine. Ah! how my dear mother cried and +blessed me when we met, and called me her soul's comfort and her +darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a paragon of virtue and +genius: whereas I was only a very lucky young fellow, that by the +aid of kind friends had stepped rapidly into a very pretty +property. + +I was not to stay with my mother,--that had been arranged +beforehand; for though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably +good friends, yet Mother said it was for my benefit that I should +stay with my aunt, and so give up the pleasure of having me with +her: and though hers was much the humbler house of the two, I need +not say I preferred it far to Mrs. Hoggarty's more splendid one; +let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I was obliged now to drink +gallons. + +It was to Mrs. H.'s then we were driven: she had prepared a great +dinner that evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on getting out +of the carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that +was for himself, and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the +horses afterwards. At which Tom flung the sixpence upon the +ground, swore most violently, and was very justly called by my aunt +an "impertinent fellow." + +She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out +of her sight. We used to sit for morning after morning over her +accounts, debating for hours together the propriety of selling the +Slopperton property; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, +for Hodge and Smithers could not get the price she wanted. And, +moreover, she vowed that at her decease she would leave every +shilling to me. + +Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with +marked consideration; as did every single person of the village. +Those who could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank +the health of the young couple; and many a time after dinner or +supper was my Mary made to blush by the allusions to the change in +her condition. + +The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July, +1823, saw me the happiest husband of the prettiest girl in +Somersetshire. We were married from my mother's house, who would +insist upon that at any rate, and the nine girls acted as +bridesmaids; ay! and Gus Hoskins came from town express to be my +groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's, and stayed with her +for a week, and cast a sheep's-eye upon Miss Winny Titmarsh too, my +dear fourth sister, as I afterwards learned. + +My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. She had +desired me some weeks previous to order three magnificent dresses +for Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some +elegant trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs from Howell +and James's. These were sent down to me, and were to be MY present +to the bride; but Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need +never trouble myself about the payment of the bill, and I thought +her conduct very generous. Also she lent us her chariot for the +wedding journey, and made with her own hands a beautiful crimson +satin reticule for Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, her dear niece. It +contained a huswife completely furnished with needles, &c., for she +hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never neglect her needle; and a purse +containing some silver pennies, and a very curious pocket-piece. +"As long as you keep these, my dear," said Mrs. Hoggarty, "you will +never want; and fervently--fervently do I pray that you will keep +them." In the carriage-pocket we found a paper of biscuits and a +bottle of Rosolio. We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom +Wheeler--who, however, did not seem to like it much better than we. + +I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz's coat (the third +and fourth coats, Heaven help us! in a year), and that I wore +sparkling in my bosom the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND. + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON + +We pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for +our life in London, and a pretty paradise did we build for +ourselves! Well, we were but forty years old between us; and, for +my part, I never found any harm come of castle-building, but a +great deal of pleasure. + +Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for a +proper place, befitting persons of our small income; and Gus +Hoskins and I, who hunted after office-hours in couples, bad fixed +on a very snug little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a +garden that certain SMALL PEOPLE might play in when they came: a +horse and gig-house, if ever we kept one,--and why not, in a few +years?--and a fine healthy air, at a reasonable distance from +'Change; all for 30L. a year. I had described this little spot to +Mary as enthusiastically as Sancho describes Lizias to Don Quixote; +and my dear wife was delighted with the prospect of housekeeping +there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes herself (especially +jam-pudding, of which I confess I am very fond), and promised Gus +that he should dine with us at Clematis Bower every Sunday: only +he must not smoke those horrid cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he +would have a room in the neighbourhood too, for he could not bear +to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together; +and so good-natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come +and keep her company. At which Hoskins blushed, and said, "Pooh! +nonsense now." + +But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the +ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs. +Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was +determined to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep +house for them, and introduce them to her friends in the +metropolis. + +What could we do? We wished her at--Bath: certainly not in +London. But there was no help for it; and we were obliged to bring +her: for, as my mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would +go out of our family; and were we two young people not likely to +want it? + +So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the +whole way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my +aunt's rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had to +pay 14L. for the posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my +little hoard of cash. + +First we went into lodgings,--into three sets in three weeks. We +quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she +cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner; +from the second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would +steal the candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty +came down to breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face +shockingly swelled and bitten by--never mind what. To cut a long +tale short, I was half mad with the continual choppings and +changings, and the long stories and scoldings of my aunt. As for +her great acquaintances, none of them were in London; and she made +it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not introduced her to +John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady Tiptoff, her +relatives. + +Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his +return I did not care at first to tell our Director that I had +brought my aunt with me, or mention my embarrassments for money. +He looked rather serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him +and asked for an advance; but when he heard that my lack of money +had been occasioned by the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone +instantly changed. "That, my dear boy, alters the question; Mrs. +Hoggarty is of an age when all things must be yielded to her. Here +are a hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw upon me whenever you +are in the least in want of money." This gave me breathing-time +until she should pay her share of the household expenses. And the +very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid carriage- +and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings in +Lamb's Conduit Street. + +It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in +that sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of +the cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country +place in Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile +odious things. + +"Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your +rank to suffer in this way!--the excellent relative of my dear boy, +Titmarsh! Never, madam--never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of +Castle Hoggarty should be subject to such horrible humiliation, +while John Brough has a home to offer her,--a humble, happy, +Christian home, madam; though unlike, perhaps, the splendour to +which you have been accustomed in the course of your distinguished +career. Isabella my love!--Belinda! speak to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell +her that John Brough's house is hers from garret to cellar. I +repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire--I insist--I +order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be +placed this instant in my carriage! Have the goodness to look to +them yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's +comforts are better provided for than they have been." + +Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure, +Mr. Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though +the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at +Aunt's enormous valises, yet she performed the work, and came down +with a smiling face to my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs. +Brough with a long and particular account of the balls at the +Castle, in Dublin, in Lord Charleville's time. + +"I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to +bring them down," said Mary. + +"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little +ashamed. "Hallo! George, Frederic, Augustus, come upstairs this +instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle +Hoggarty, which this young lady will show you." + +Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his +fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself +seized a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the +carriage, and shouted loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to +hear, "John Brough is not proud--no, no; and if his footmen are too +high and mighty, he'll show them a lesson of humility." + +Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks +from her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented +herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, +whether John Brough was not an angel of a man? + +In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her +departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back +at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the +window, and beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was +very strange, because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and +indeed had told me repeatedly that either she or he must quit the +house. Well, we went upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried +her tears and received us with the most smiling of faces, and +laughed and clapped her hands, and danced, and shook Gus's hand. +And what do you think the little rogue proposed? I am blest if she +did not say she would like to go to Vauxhall! + +As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with +fear and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the +circumstances which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been +whisked away to Fulham in Mr. Brough's splendid carriage-and-four. +"Let her go," I am sorry to say, said I; and indeed we relished our +veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty +did her dinner off plate at the Rookery. + +We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing +treat; and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was +prolonged for three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for +we were much merrier and more comfortable without her. My little +Mary used to make my breakfast before I went to office of mornings; +and on Sundays we had a holiday, and saw the dear little children +eat their boiled beef and potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the +beautiful music: but, beautiful as it is, I think the children +were a more beautiful sight still, and the look of their innocent +happy faces was better than the best sermon. On week-days Mrs. +Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the evening on the +LEFT-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to Holborn)--ay, +and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two young +gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her; +and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up +as a monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and +whiskers all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and +chattering to her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory +(not near such a handsome thing then as it is now)--there was the +man chattering and ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus +and I? And in the twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says, +my gentleman was seized by the collar of his coat and found himself +sprawling under a stand of hackney-coaches; where all the watermen +were grinning at him. The best of it was, he left his HEAD OF HAIR +AND WHISKERS in my hand: but Mary said, "Don't be hard upon him, +Samuel; it's only a Frenchman." And so we gave him his wig back, +which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and carried to him as +he lay in the straw. + +He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and +"champ-d'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his +nose and stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made +everybody laugh; and so the adventure ended. + +About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of +which I give a copy:- + + +"My Dear Nephew,--It was my earnest whish e'er this to have +returned to London, where I am sure you and my niece Titmarsh miss +me very much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the +ways of 'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every +qualaty requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can +hardly manidge, I am sure, without me. + +"Tell her ON NO ACCOUNT to pay more than 6.5D. for the prime +pieces, 4.75D. for soup meat; and that the very best of London +butter is to be had for 8.5D.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin +you'll employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs. +Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my +yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two +ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my HOSPATABLE +host; and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when +Lord Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most +SUMPTIOUS STYLE. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by +turbit and sammon with IMMENSE BOLES OF LOBSTER-SAUCE. Lobsters +alone cost 15S. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon, weighing, +I'm sure, 15 lbs., and NEVER SEEN at table again; not a bitt of +pickled sammon the hole weak afterwards. This kind of extravigance +would JUST SUIT Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns THE +CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you +have an old aunt who knows better, and has a long purse; without +witch, I dare say, SOME folks would be glad to see her out of +doors. I don't mean you, Samuel, who have, I must say, been a +dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare say I shan't live long, and +some folks won't be sorry to have me in my grave. + +"Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought +it might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who was +called in, said it was, he very much feared, CUMSUMPTIVE; but gave +me some pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him- +-he lives at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office +hours--and present him with 1L. lS., with my compliments. I have +no money here but a 10L. note, the rest being locked up in my box +at Lamb's Cundit Street. + +"Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious +establishment, I can assure you the SPERRIT is likewise cared for. +Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises +refresh the hungry sole before breakfast! Everything is in the +handsomest style,--silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and +dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word +INDUSTRIA, meaning industry, on EVERYTHING--even on the chany juggs +and things in my bedd-room. On Sunday we were favoured by a +special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist +Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon +in Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have +always been a staunch supporter of the established Church of +England and Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was +far superior to that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the +Establishment, who lifted up his voice after dinner for a short +discourse of two hours. + +"Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no +sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I +promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not +Mr. B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy. + +"I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so +welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the +world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose +to walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind +enough to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to +wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful +works of nature. I have spoke to him about the Slopperton +property, and he is not of Mr. B.'s opinion that I should sell it; +but on this point I shall follow my own counsel. + +"Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my +bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the +grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn +it against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for +herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns +you gave her, but keep them until BETTER TIMES. I shall soon +introduse her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my +acquaintances; and am always + +"Your loving AUNT. + +"I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from +Somersetshire. When it comes, please to send half down here +(paying the carriage, of course). 'Twill be an acceptable present +to my kind entertainer, Mr. B." + + +This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, +who apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence; +for the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he +opened it without looking at the superscription. Of course he had +not read it, and I was glad of that; for I should not have liked +him to see my aunt's opinion of his daughter and lady. + +The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent +me word at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me: +and I stopped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the +house of Hodge and Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet- +bag between his legs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a +piece of news for you regarding her property which you ought to +know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that home-made +wine of hers which she calls Rosolio, and which lies in our +warehouse along with her furniture." + +"Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she +likes for me. I cede all my right." + +"Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us +to a deuced inconvenience, to be sure--it's not that: but, in the +postscript of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton +and Squashtail estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing +her capital elsewhere." + +I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the +source of a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for +Aunt was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her +litigious spirit; so that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale +of it did not seem to me to be quite disinterested. + +"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me +with this fact? It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my +aunt's instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult +with her on this subject." + +"'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of +her property, she will hand over the money to Brough; and if Brough +gets the money he--" + +"Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,--there's no +harm in that." + +"But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man, +certainly--very warm--quite respectable--most undoubtedly +respectable. But who knows? A panic may take place; and then +these five hundred companies in which he is engaged may bring him +to ruin. There's the Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a +director: awkward reports are abroad concerning it. The +Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet Company--the shares are +down very low, and Brough is a director there. The Patent Pump +Company--shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody will pay." + +"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand +pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is +THAT at a discount? Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in +that speculation, I should like to know?" I had him there. + +"Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has +brought you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank us +for the interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and +Miss Hodge has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't +intend to rebuke us for making your fortune, do you?" + +"No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a +glass of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith. + +Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, "mark +my words, and take your aunt AWAY FROM THE ROOKERY. She wrote to +Mrs. S. a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out +there,--the Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her. +He was tried at Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly +escaped with his neck. Have a care of him--he has an eye to her +money." + +"Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for +yourself." + +He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as +he returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said, "I have only two +favours to ask of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to +any living soul; and the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb's +Conduit Street with your pretty wife." + +"I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. "But if you dine +with us, your arrival in town must be known, for my friend Gus +Hoskins dines with us likewise; and has done so nearly every day +since my aunt went." + +He laughed too, and said, "We must swear Gus to secrecy over a +bottle." And so we parted till dinner-time. + +The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was +supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was +disinterested in the matter--more than disinterested, for she would +have given a great deal to be spared my aunt's company. But she +said she saw the force of Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted +their justice with a sigh. However, I rode my high horse, and +vowed that my aunt should do what she liked with her money; and +that I was not the man who would influence her in any way in the +disposal of it. + +After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that +Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about +Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us. "You +are a lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this +charming young couple," said Smithers; and Gus confessed he was, +and said he had dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that +a better and more hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I +state not to trumpet my own praises,--no, no; but because these +questions of Smithers's had a good deal to do with the subsequent +events narrated in this little history. + +Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that +Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his +legs under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to the door, +which we did not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we +hoped might be for the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into +the room but Mrs. Hoggarty herself! Gus, who was blowing the froth +off a pot of porter preparatory to a delicious drink of the +beverage, and had been making us die of laughing with his stories +and jokes, laid down the pewter pot as Mrs. H. came in, and looked +quite sick and pale. Indeed we all felt a little uneasy. + +My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and +saying, "It is too true--my poor boy--ALREADY!" flung herself +hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she +would never never leave me. + +I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation +on Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us. She refused Mary's +hand when the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and when Gus +timidly said, "I think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and +perhaps--had better go," Mrs. H. looked him full in the face, +pointed to the door majestically with her forefinger, and said, "I +think, sir, you HAD better go." + +"I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife, +with spirit. + +"OF COURSE you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very +sarcastic. But Mary's speech and my aunt's were quite lost upon +Gus; for he had instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling +downstairs. + +The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of +tears, and by my aunt's repeating the assertion that it was not too +late, she trusted; and from that day forth she would never never +leave me. + +"What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?" said I to Mary +that night, as we were in our own room; but my wife protested she +did not know: and it was only some time after that I found out the +reason of this quarrel, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance. + +The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a +very good joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter +of Hickson, Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted +in my Memoirs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty +in Brough's clutches at the Rookery, and I was determined to have +her away. I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one +stone as it were. It was quite clear to me that the Reverend +Grimes Wapshot had an eye to your aunt's fortune; and that Mr. +Brough had similar predatory intentions regarding her. Predatory +is a mild word, Sam: if I had said robbery at once, I should +express my meaning clearer. + +"Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the +lodgings of the reverend gentleman. 'Sir,' said I, on finding that +worthy gent,--he was drinking warm brandy-and-water, Sam, at two +o'clock in the day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of +that beverage--'Sir,' says I, 'you were tried for forgery in the +year '14, at Lancaster assizes.' + +"'And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence made clear,' +said Wapshot. + +"'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I, +'and passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.' I knew the +fellow's history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a +preacher at Clifton. I followed up my blow. 'Mr. Wapshot,' said +I, 'you are making love to an excellent lady now at the house of +Mr. Brough: if you do not promise to give up all pursuit of her, I +will expose you.' + +"'I HAVE promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking +more easy. 'I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, who was +with me this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing. +Oh, sir, it would have frightened you to hear a Christian babe like +him swear as he did.' + +"'Mr. Brough been here?' says I, rather astonished. + +"'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says +Wapshot. 'You want to marry the widow with the Slopperton and +Squashtail estate, do you? Well, well, have your way. I've +promised not to have anything more to do with the widow and a +Wapshot's honour is sacred.' + +"'I suppose, sir,' says I, 'Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you +out of doors, if you call again.' + +"'You HAVE been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a +shrug: then I remembered what you had told me of the broken seal +of your letter, and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened +and read every word of it. + +"Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had a shot +at him. Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery; and off I went, +primed and loaded, sir,--primed and loaded. + +"It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the +lodge-gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery--that +of your respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable +ladies of the house before I saw her; because look, friend +Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's letter, that she and they were +at daggers drawn, and hoped to get her out of the house at once by +means of a quarrel with them." + +I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow. + +"As luck would have it," continued he, "Miss Brough was in the +drawing-room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously +out of tune; but as I entered at the door, I cried 'Hush!' to the +footman, as loud as possible, stood stock-still, and then walked +forward on tip-toe lightly. Miss B. could see in the glass every +movement that I made; she pretended not to see, however, and +finished the song with a regular roulade. + +"'Gracious Heaven!' said I, 'do, madam, pardon me for interrupting +that delicious harmony,--for coming unaware upon it, for daring +uninvited to listen to it.' + +"'Do you come for Mamma, sir?' said Miss Brough, with as much +graciousness as her physiognomy could command. 'I am Miss Brough, +sir.' + +"'I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regarding my +business until you have sung another charming strain.' + +"She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, 'La! sir, what is +your business?' + +"'My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in this +house.' + +"'Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell, +and ringing it. 'John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the shrubbery; +here is a gentleman who wants to see her.' + +"'I know,' continued I, 'Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well as +anyone, madam; and aware that those and her education are not such +as to make her a fit companion for you. I know you do not like +her: she has written to us in Somersetshire that you do not like +her.' + +"'What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?' cried +Miss Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate). 'If she +does not like us, why does she not leave us?' + +"'She HAS made rather a long visit,' said I; 'and I am sure that +her nephew and niece are longing for her return. Pray, madam, do +not move, for you may aid me in the object for which I come.' + +"The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular +battle-royal between the two ladies; at the end of which I intended +to appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer +to stay in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy +differences. Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought,--Miss Belinda +opening the fire, by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been +calumniating her to her friends. But though at the end of it Miss +rushed out of the room in a rage, and vowed she would leave her +home unless that odious woman left it, your dear aunt said, 'Ha, +ha! I know the minx's vile stratagems; but, thank Heaven! I have a +good heart, and my religion enables me to forgive her. I shall not +leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my departure that +worthy admirable man.' + +"I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. 'Your niece,' +said I, 'Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, Sam says, rather +poorly,--qualmish of mornings, madam,--a little nervous, and low in +spirits,--symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a +young married person.' + +"Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would +send Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would +do her good. + +"With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last +reserve into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam my boy, +now that the matter is so long passed. 'Madam,' said I, 'there's a +matter about which I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare. I +dined with your nephew yesterday, and met at his table a young man- +-a young man of low manners, but evidently one who has blinded your +nephew, and I too much fear has succeeded in making an impression +upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, madam; and when I state that +he who was never in the house during your presence there, has dined +with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in three weeks, I may +leave you to imagine what I dare not--dare not imagine myself.' + +"The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes +more was in my carriage, on our way back to London. There, sir, +was not that generalship?" + +"And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr. +Smithers," said I. + +"At your wife's expense, certainly; but for the benefit of both of +you." + +"It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that +the affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, Mr. Smithers, I +would have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of!" + +But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her +relatives; and this was the reason why we took that house in +Bernard Street, the doings at which must now he described. + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF + +We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my +aunt sent for all her furniture from the country; which would have +filled two such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young +housekeepers, as we had only to pay the carriage of the goods from +Bristol. + +When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year's dividend, having not +for four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she +gave me 50L. of the 80L., and told me that was ample pay for the +board and lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not eat +more than a sparrow. + +I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a +pudding; but she was rich and I could not complain. If she saved +600L. a year, at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings +would one day come to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and +tried to manage matters as well as we might. It was no easy task +to keep a mansion in Bernard Street and save money out of 470L. a +year, which was my income. But what a lucky fellow I was to have +such an income! + +As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr. +Brough, with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I +should like to have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the +one was carrying the other's prey off, out of his own very den, +under his very nose. + +He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not +leave the house until she left it with him: that he had heard of +his daughter's infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears--"in +tears, madam, and on her knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!" +But Mr. B. was obliged to leave the house without my aunt, who had +a causa major for staying, and hardly allowed poor Mary out of her +sight,--opening every one of the letters that came into the house +directed to my wife, and suspecting hers to everybody. Mary never +told me of all this pain for many many years afterwards; but had +always a smiling face for her husband when he came home from his +work. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that he +never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived +there; but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as +fond as he was of me. + +Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with +me. He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before the +gents of the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that +I was not only a servant, but a considerable shareholder in the +company; that I defied him to find fault with my work or my +regularity; and that I was not minded to receive any insolent +language from him or any man. He said it was always so: that he +had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but the ingrate had +turned on him; that he was accustomed to wrong and undutifulness +from his children, and that he would pray that the sin might be +forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing and swearing at +me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoeblack. But, look +you, I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's +airs, or of his. With me they might act as they thought fit; but I +did not choose that my wife should be passed over by them, as she +had been in the matter of the visit to Fulham. + +Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. "Beware of these +men," said he; "but for my honesty, your aunt's landed property +would have been sacrificed by these cormorants: and when, for her +benefit--which you, obstinate young man, will not perceive--I +wished to dispose of her land, her attorneys actually had the +audacity--the unchristian avarice I may say--to ask ten per cent. +commission on the sale." + +There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when +rogues fall out, honest men come by their own: and now I began to +suspect, I am sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director +had a little of the rogue in their composition. It was especially +about my wife's fortune that Mr. B. showed HIS cloven foot: for +proposing, as usual, that I should purchase shares with it in our +Company, I told him that my wife was a minor, and as such her +little fortune was vested out of my control altogether. He flung +away in a rage at this; and I soon saw that he did not care for me +any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, no more +advances of money, had I: on the contrary, the private clerkship +at 150L. was abolished, and I found myself on my 250L. a year +again. Well, what then? it was always a good income, and I did my +duty, and laughed at the Director. + +About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer +Company shut up shop--exploded, as Gus said, with a bang! The +Patent Pump shares were down to 15L. upon a paid-up capital of 65L. +Still ours were at a high premium; and the Independent West +Diddlesex held its head up as proudly as any office in London. +Roundhand's abuse had had some influence against the Director, +certainly; for he hinted at malversation of shares: but the +Company still stood as united as the Hand-in-Hand, and as firm as +the Rock. + +To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell +Square: my aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms; and my +aunt's enormous old jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and +half the strings broken, occupied three-fourths of the little +drawing-room. Here used Mrs. H. to sit, and play us, for hours, +sonatas that were in fashion in Lord Charleville's time; and sung +with a cracked voice, till it was all that we could do to refrain +from laughing. + +And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs. +Hoggarty's character now: for whereas she was in the country among +the topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea- +party at six and a game of twopenny whist afterwards,--in London +she would never dine till seven; would have a fly from the mews to +drive in the Park twice a week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and +twisted over and over, all her old gowns, flounces, caps, and +fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning till night altering +them to the present mode. Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, appeared in a +new wig; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a pair of red +cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people in +Bernard Street stare, where they are not as yet used to such +fashions. + +Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery,-- +a boy, that is, of about sixteen,--who was dressed in one of the +old liveries that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, +decorated with new cuffs and collars, and new buttons: on the +latter were represented the united crests of the Titmarshes and +Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and a hog in armour. I thought +this livery and crest-button rather absurd, I must confess; though +my family is very ancient. And heavens! what a roar of laughter +was raised in the office one day, when the little servant in the +big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a +message from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty! Furthermore, all +letters were delivered on a silver tray. If we had had a baby, I +believe Aunt would have had it down on the tray: but there was as +yet no foundation for Mr. Smithers's insinuation upon that score, +any more than for his other cowardly fabrication before narrated. +Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely up and down the New Road, with +the boy following with his great gold-headed stick; but though +there was all this ceremony and parade, and Aunt still talked of +her acquaintances, we did not see a single person from week's end +to week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could hardly be +found in London town. + +On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then +just built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre; and of +evenings, to a meeting-house of the Anabaptists: and that day, at +least, Mary and I had to ourselves,--for we chose to have seats at +the Foundling, and heard the charming music there, and my wife used +to look wistfully in the pretty children's faces,--and so, for the +matter of that, did I. It was not, however, till a year after our +marriage that she spoke in a way which shall be here passed over, +but which filled both her and me with inexpressible joy. + +I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the +Muff and Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of +300,000L. as some said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty +with some Indians, who had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the +Company. Some people said there were no Indians, and no agent to +be tomahawked at all; but that the whole had been invented in a +house in Crutched Friars. Well, I pitied poor Tidd, whose 20,000L. +were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in the City that day with +a most ghastly face. He had 1,000L. of debts, he said, and talked +of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and passed a long +time in the Fleet. Mary's delightful news, however, soon put Tidd +and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my head; as you may fancy. + +Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed +to show that our Director was--what is not to be found in Johnson's +Dictionary--rather shaky. Three of his companies had broken; four +more were in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the +meetings of the directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words +passed, which ended in the retirement of several of the board. +Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up their places: Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, +Mr. Query, and other respectable gents, coming forward and joining +the concern. Brough and Hoff dissolved partnership; and Mr. B. +said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. W. D., and intended +gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, such an +Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the +parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the +seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director of +the late companies. + +Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs. +Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to say, +although we had my Lord Tiptoff's word to the contrary, she +insisted upon it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related; +and no sooner did she read in the Morning Post of the arrival of +her Ladyship and her granddaughters in London, than she ordered the +fly before mentioned, and left cards at their respective houses: +her card, that is--"MRS. HOGGARTY OF CASTLE HOGGARTY," +magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and flourishes; and ours, +viz., "Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had printed for the +purpose. + +She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way +upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to the contrary, had the +footman who received her card given her the least encouragement; +but that functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her +appearance, placed himself in the front of the door, and declared +that he had positive orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. +On which Mrs. Hoggarty clenched her fist out of the coach-window, +and promised that she would have him turned away. + +Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote +a most indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the +insolence of the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. +Preston did not take any notice of her letter, further than to +return it, with a desire that he might not be troubled with such +impertinent visits for the future. A pretty day we had of it when +this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's disappointment and rage in +reading the contents; for when Solomon brought up the note on the +silver tea-tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. Preston's seal and +name at the corner of the letter (which is the common way of +writing adopted by those official gents)--my aunt, I say, seeing +his name and seal, cried, "NOW, Mary, who is right?" and betted my +wife a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to +dinner. She never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but +contented herself by abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor- +spirited sneak for not instantly horsewhipping Mr. P. A pretty +joke, indeed! They would have hanged me in those days, as they did +the man who shot Mr. Perceval. + +And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel +life which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty; +but it must be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting +only for the brief period of six months: and also, genteel society +has been fully described already by various authors of novels, +whose names need not here be set down, but who, being themselves +connected with the aristocracy, viz., as members of noble families, +or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally understand their +subject a great deal better than a poor young fellow from a fire- +office can. + +There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. +H. would insist upon conducting us; and where, in a room of the +establishment called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents +after the music and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a +pretty figure did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big +cane, among the gentlemen of the shoulder-knot assembled in the +lobby!)--where, I say, in the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old +Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to her, and insisted upon claiming +relationship with her Ladyship. But my Lady Drum had only a memory +when she chose, as I may say, and had entirely on this occasion +thought fit to forget her connection with the Titmarshes and +Hoggarties. Far from recognising us, indeed, she called Mrs. +Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible for +a police-officer. + +This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this +wicked world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really +serious society. She formed several very valuable acquaintances, +she said, at the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon +her friend of the Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did not know +then the interview which he had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did +Grimes think proper to acquaint us with the particulars of it; but +though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the fact that her favourite +preacher had been tried for forgery, SHE replied that she +considered the story an atrocious calumny; and HE answered by +saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that we +should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of +which he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend +gentleman's guidance and advice, she, after a time, separated from +St. Pancras altogether--"SAT UNDER HIM," as the phrase is, +regularly thrice a week--began to labour in the conversion of the +poor of Bloomsbury and St. Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen +for distribution among those benighted people. She did not make +any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who now showed signs that such +would be speedily necessary, but let Mary (and my mother and +sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite for the coming +event. I am not, indeed, sure that she did not say it was wrong on +our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let the +morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend Grimes +Wapshot drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined +there even oftener than poor Gus used to do. + +But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I +must confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my +circumstances, and was much harassed both as a private and public +character. + +As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50L.; but out of +that 50L. I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, all the +carriage of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, and +carpeting of my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the +Reverend Grimes and his friends (for the reverend gent said that +Rosolio did not agree with him); and finally, a thousand small +bills and expenses incident to all housekeepers in the town of +London. + +Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of +cash, Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs. Howell and James's ditto, +the account of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for +the setting of the diamond pin. All these bills arrived in a week, +as they have a knack of doing; and fancy my astonishment in +presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, when she said, "Well, my dear, +you are in the receipt of a very fine income. If you choose to +order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, you must pay for +them; and don't expect that I am to abet your extravagance, or give +you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay you for board and +lodging!" + +How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary +in such a delicate condition? And bad as matters were at home, I +am sorry to say at the office they began to look still worse. + +Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego +became head clerk: and one day old Abednego came to the place and +was shown into the directors' private room; when he left it, he +came trembling, chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun, +"Shentlemen--" a speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr. +Brough, with an imploring look, and crying out, "Stop till +Saturday!" at length got him into the street. + +On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became +head clerk with 400L. a year salary. It was a fatal week for the +office, too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the +head desk, and my first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the +first thing I read was, "Frightful fire in Houndsditch! Total +destruction of Mr. Meshach's sealing-wax manufactory and of Mr. +Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining. In the former was 20,000L. +worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the voracious element attacked +and devoured in a twinkling. The latter estimable gentleman had +just completed forty thousand suits of clothes for the cavalry of +H.H. the Cacique of Poyais." + +Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, +were insured in our office to the full amount of their loss. The +calamity was attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish +watchman, who was employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle +of whisky in the warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously +looked for the liquor with a lighted candle. The man was brought +to our office by his employers; and certainly, as we all could +testify, was EVEN THEN in a state of frightful intoxication. + +As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the +demise of Alderman Pash--Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him in +our lighter hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such a +moment as this was no time for joking! He was insured by our house +for 5,000L. And now I saw very well the truth of a remark of +Gus's--viz., that life-assurance companies go on excellently for a +year or two after their establishment, but that it is much more +difficult to make them profitable when the assured parties begin to +die. + +The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the +Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the +Company of 80,000L., and though the Patent Erostratus Match +Manufactory had exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000L., +there were those who said that the loss had not been near so heavy +as was supposed--nay, that the Company had burnt the above-named +establishments as advertisements for themselves. Of these facts I +can't be positive, having never seen the early accounts of the +concern. + +Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as +dismal as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and- +four, laughing and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the +door. + +"Gentlemen!" said he, "you have read the papers; they announce an +event which I most deeply deplore. I mean the demise of the +excellent Alderman Pash, one of our constituents. But if anything +can console me for the loss of that worthy man, it is to think that +his children and widow will receive, at eleven o'clock next +Saturday, 5,000L. from my friend Mr. Titmarsh, who is now head +clerk here. As for the accident which has happened to Messrs. +Shadrach and Meshach,--in THAT, at least, there is nothing that can +occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as soon as the +particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, my +friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of +forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds--according to the +amount of their loss. THEY, at least, will be remunerated; and +though to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, +yet we can afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can afford it +himself, for the matter of that, and not be very much embarrassed; +and we must learn to bear ill-fortune as we have hitherto borne +good, and show ourselves to be men always!" + +Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like +to give here; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common +worldly matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring +it to bear witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious +hypocrite does, is such a frightful crime, that one should be +careful even in alluding to it. + +Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the newspapers of +that very evening; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for +none of our gents left the office that day until the evening papers +had appeared. But there was the speech--ay, and at the week's end, +although Roundhand was heard on 'Change that day declaring he would +bet five to one that Alderman Pash's money would never be paid,--at +the week's end the money was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor +across the counter, and no doubt Roundhand lost his money. + +Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no harm in +mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of time; and +moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead. + +As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's +room, and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his +confidence. + +"Titmarsh my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in +the face, "did you ever hear of the fate of the great Mr. +Silberschmidt of London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silberschmidt, the +Rothschild of his day (indeed I have heard the latter famous gent +was originally a clerk in Silberschmidt's house)--Silberschmidt, +fancying he could not meet his engagements, committed suicide; and +had he lived till four o'clock that day, would have known that he +was worth 400,000L. To tell you frankly the truth," says Mr. B., +"I am in Silberschmidt's case. My late partner, Hoff, has given +bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount, and I have +been obliged to meet them. I have been cast in fourteen actions, +brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer Company; and all +the debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth. +Now, unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the long and short of +the matter is that if I cannot procure 5,000L. before Saturday, OUR +CONCERN IS RUINED!" + +"What! the West Diddlesex ruined?" says I, thinking of my poor +mother's annuity. "Impossible! our business is splendid!" + +"We must have 5,000L. on Saturday, and we are saved; and if you +will, as you can, get it for me, I will give you 10,000L. for the +money!" + +B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and +his own private account; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt, +that with the 5,000L. our office must be set a-going; and without +it, that the concern must stop. No matter how he proved the thing; +but there is, you know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but +leave to use figures, and he will prove anything. + +I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she +seemed not to be disinclined. I told him so; and that day he +called upon her, his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon +her, and once more the Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our +house. + +But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager; and, instead of carrying matters +with a high hand, fairly burst into tears before Mrs. Hoggarty, and +went down on her knees and besought her to save dear John. This at +once aroused my aunt's suspicions; and instead of lending the +money, she wrote off to Mr. Smithers instantly to come up to her, +desired me to give her up the 3,000L. scrip shares that I +possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and heartless swindler, and +vowed I had been the cause of her ruin. + +How was Mr. Brough to get the money? I will tell you. Being in +his room one day, old Gates the Fulham porter came and brought him +from Mr. Balls, the pawnbroker, a sum of 1,200L. Missus told him, +he said, to carry the plate to Mr. Balls; and having paid the +money, old Gates fumbled a great deal in his pockets, and at last +pulled out a 5L. note, which he said his daughter Jane had just +sent him from service, and begged Mr. B. would let him have another +share in the Company. "He was mortal sure it would go right yet. +And when he heard master crying and cursing as he and missus were +walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want of a few +pounds--a few shillings--the finest fortune in Europe was to be +overthrown, why Gates and his woman thought that they should come +for'ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest +master and missus ever was." + +This was the substance of Gates's speech; and Mr. Brough shook his +hand and--took the 5L. "Gates," said he, "that 5L. note shall be +the best outlay you ever made in your life!" and I have no doubt it +was,--but it was in heaven that poor old Gates was to get the +interest of his little mite. + +Nor was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss Dough, +who had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever since he +had risen to be a great man, came to the office with a power of +attorney, and said, "John, Isabella has been with me this morning, +and says you want money, and I have brought you my 4,000L.; it is +all I have, John, and pray God it may do you good--you and my dear +sister, who was the best sister in the world to me--till--till a +little time ago." + +And she laid down the paper: I was called up to witness it, and +Brough, with tears in his eyes, told me her words; for he could +trust me, he said. And thus it was that I came to be present at +Gates's interview with his master, which took place only an hour +afterwards. Brave Mrs. Brough! how she was working for her +husband! Good woman, and kind! but YOU had a true heart, and +merited a better fate! Though wherefore say so? The woman, to +this day, thinks her husband an angel, and loves him a thousand +times better for his misfortunes. + +On Saturday, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me across the +counter, as I said. "Never mind your aunt's money, Titmarsh my +boy," said Brough: "never mind her having resumed her shares. You +are a true honest fellow; you have never abused me like that pack +of curs downstairs, and I'll make your fortune yet!" + +* * * + +The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, +and with Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea comfortably, a knock was +heard at the door, and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the +parlour. It was Mr. Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as +a shareholder of the Independent West Diddlesex Association, at the +suit of Von Stiltz of Clifford Street, tailor and draper. + +I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven's sake not to tell +Mary. + +"Where is Brough?" says Mr. Smithers. + +"Why," says Mr. Aminadab, "he's once more of the firm of Brough and +Off, sir--he breakfasted at Calais this morning!" + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND AND YET BE +VERY HARD PRESSED FOR A DINNER + +On that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackney-coach, fetched from +the Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable house and my dear +little wife; whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might. He +said that I was compelled to take a journey upon business connected +with the office; and my poor Mary made up a little portmanteau of +clothes, and tied a comforter round my neck, and bade my companion +particularly to keep the coach windows shut: which injunction the +grinning wretch promised to obey. Our journey was not long: it +was only a shilling fare to Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane, and +there I was set down. + +The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of +half-a-dozen in that street which were used for the same purpose. +No man, be he ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I +think, without a shudder. The front windows are barred, and on the +dingy pillar of the door was a shining brass-plate, setting forth +that "Aminadab, Officer to the Sheriff of Middlesex," lived +therein. A little red-haired Israelite opened the first door as +our coach drove up, and received me and my baggage. + +As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself in +the face of another huge door, which was strongly locked; and, at +last, passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house. + +There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand +other houses in our dark City of London. There was a dirty passage +and a dirty stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into +two filthy rooms, which had strong bars at the windows, and yet +withal an air of horrible finery that makes me uncomfortable to +think of even yet. On the walls hung all sorts of trumpery +pictures in tawdry frames (how different from those capital +performances of my cousin Michael Angelo!); on the mantelpiece huge +French clocks, vases, and candlesticks; on the sideboards, enormous +trays of Birmingham plated ware: for Mr. Aminadab not only +arrested those who could not pay money, but lent it to those who +could; and had already, in the way of trade, sold and bought these +articles many times over. + +I agreed to take the back-parlour for the night, and while a Hebrew +damsel was arranging a little dusky sofa-bedstead (woe betide him +who has to sleep on it!) I was invited into the front parlour, +where Mr. Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I should have a +dinner for nothing with a party who had just arrived. I did not +want for dinner, but I was glad not to be alone--not alone, even +till Gus came; for whom I despatched a messenger to his lodgings +hard by. + +I found there, in the front parlour, at eight o'clock in the +evening, four gentlemen, just about to sit down to dinner. +Surprising! there was Mr. B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only +within half-an-hour arrived in a post-chaise with his companion, +Mr. Lock, an officer of Horsham gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in this +wise:- He was a careless good-humoured gentleman, and had indorsed +bills to a large amount for a friend; who, a man of high family and +unquestionable honour, had pledged the latter, along with a number +of the most solemn oaths, for the payment of the bills in question. +Having indorsed the notes, young Mr. B., with a proper +thoughtlessness, forgot all about them, and so, by some chance, did +the friend whom he obliged; for, instead of being in London with +the money for the payment of his obligations, this latter gentleman +was travelling abroad, and never hinted one word to Mr. B. that the +notes would fall upon him. The young gentleman was at Brighton +lying sick of a fever; was taken from his bed by a bailiff, and +carried, on a rainy day, to Horsham gaol; had a relapse of his +complaint, and when sufficiently recovered, was brought up to +London to the house of Mr. Aminadab; where I found him--a pale, +thin, good-humoured, LOST young man: he was lying on a sofa, and +had given orders for the dinner to which I was invited. The lad's +face gave one pain to look at; it was impossible not to see that +his hours were numbered. + +Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story; but I can't +help mentioning him, as I saw him. He sent for his lawyer and his +doctor; the former settled speedily his accounts with the bailiff, +and the latter arranged all his earthly accounts: for after he +went from the spunging-house he never recovered from the shock of +the arrest, and in a few weeks he DIED. And though this +circumstance took place many years ago, I can't forget it to my +dying day; and often see the author of Mr. B.'s death,--a +prosperous gentleman, riding a fine horse in the Park, lounging at +the window of a club; with many friends, no doubt, and a good +reputation. I wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with a +good appetite? I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.'s heirs the sum +which that gentleman paid, and DIED FOR? + +If Mr. B.'s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only +inserted here for the sake of a moral, what business have I to +mention particulars of the dinner to which I was treated by that +gentleman, in the spunging-house in Cursitor Street? Why, for the +moral too; and therefore the public must be told of what really and +truly that dinner consisted. + +There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup: viz., +mock-turtle soup, ox-tail soup, and giblet soup. Next came a great +piece of salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a roast +saddle of mutton, roast game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In this +way can a gentleman live in a spunging-house if he be inclined; and +over this repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let +alone having dined, my heart was full of care)--over this meal my +friend Gus Hoskins found me, when he received the letter that I had +despatched to him. + +Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart failed +him as the red-headed young Moses opened and shut for him the +numerous iron outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind a +bottle of claret, in a room blazing with gilt lamps; the curtains +were down too, and you could not see the bars at the windows; and +Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another +rich gentleman of his trade and religious persuasion, were chirping +as merrily, and looked as respectably, as any noblemen in the land. + +"Have him in," said Mr. B., "if he's a friend of Mr. Titmarsh's; +for, cuss me, I like to see a rogue: and run me through, Titmarsh, +but I think you are one of the best in London. You beat Brough; +you do, by Jove! for he looks like a rogue--anybody would swear to +him; but you! by Jove, you look the very picture of honesty!" + +"A deep file," said Aminadab, winking and pointing me out to his +friend Mr. Jehoshaphat. + +"A good one," says Jehoshaphat. + +"In for three hundred thousand pound," says Aminadab: "Brough's +right-hand man, and only three-and-twenty." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your 'ealth, sir," says Mr. Lock, in an ecstasy +of admiration. "Your very good 'earth, sir, and better luck to you +next time." + +"Pooh, pooh! HE'S all right," says Aminadab; "let HIM alone." + +"In for WHAT?" shouted I, quite amazed. "Why, sir, you arrested me +for 90L." + +"Yes, but you are in for half a million,--you know you are. THEM +debts I don't count--them paltry tradesmen's accounts. I mean +Brough's business. It's an ugly one; but you'll get through it. +We all know you; and I lay my life that when you come through the +court, Mrs. Titmarsh has got a handsome thing laid by." + +"Mrs. Titmarsh has a small property," says I. "What then?" + +The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a "rum +chap"--a "downy cove," and made other remarks which I could not +understand then; but the meaning of which I have since +comprehended, for they took me to be a great rascal, I am sorry to +say, and supposed that I had robbed the I. W. D. Association, and, +in order to make my money secure, settled it on my wife. + +It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus came +in; and whew! when he saw what was going on, he gave SUCH a +whistle! + +"Herr von Joel, by Jove!" says Aminadab. At which all laughed. + +"Sit down," says Mr. B.,--"sit down, and wet your whistle, my +piper! I say, egad! you're the piper that played before Moses! +Had you there, Dab. Dab, get a fresh bottle of Burgundy for Mr. +Hoskins." And before he knew where he was, there was Gus for the +first time in his life drinking Clos-Vougeot. Gus said he had +never tasted Bergamy before, at which the bailiff sneered, and told +him the name of the wine. + +"OLD CLO! What?" says Gus; and we laughed: but the Hebrew gents +did not this time. + +"Come, come, sir!" says Mr. Aminadab's friend, "ve're all +shentlemen here, and shentlemen never makish reflexunsh upon other +gentlemen'sh pershuashunsh." + +After this feast was concluded, Gus and I retired to my room to +consult about my affairs. With regard to the responsibility +incurred as a shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy; +for though the matter might cause me a little trouble at first, I +knew I was not a shareholder; that the shares were scrip shares, +making the dividend payable to the bearer; and my aunt had called +back her shares, and consequently I was free. But it was very +unpleasant to me to consider that I was in debt nearly a hundred +pounds to tradesmen, chiefly of Mrs. Hoggarty's recommendation; and +as she had promised to be answerable for their bills, I determined +to send her a letter reminding her of her promise, and begging her +at the same time to relieve me from Mr. Von Stiltz's debt, for +which I was arrested: and which was incurred not certainly at her +desire, but at Mr. Brough's; and would never have been incurred by +me but at the absolute demand of that gentleman. + +I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debts, and +promised myself on Monday morning again to be with my dear wife. +Gus carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Bernhard +Street after church-time; taking care that Mary should know nothing +at all of the painful situation in which I was placed. It was near +midnight when we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could in +the dirty little sofa-bedstead of Mr. Aminadab's back-parlour. + +That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells +ringing cheerfully for church, and longed to be walking to the +Foundling with my wife: but there were the three iron doors +between me and liberty, and I had nothing for it but to read my +prayers in my own room, and walk up and down afterwards in the +court at the back of the house. Would you believe it? This very +court was like a cage! Great iron bars covered it in from one end +to another; and here it was that Mr. Aminadab's gaol-birds took the +air. + +They had seen me reading out of the prayer-book at the back-parlour +window, and all burst into a yell of laughter when I came to walk +in the cage. One of them shouted out "Amen!" when I appeared; +another called me a muff (which means, in the slang language, a +very silly fellow); a third wondered that I took to my prayer-book +YET. + +"When do you mean, sir?" says I to the fellow--a rough man, a +horse-dealer. + +"Why, when you are going TO BE HANGED, you young hypocrite!" says +the man. "But that is always the way with Brough's people," +continued he. "I had four greys once for him--a great bargain, but +he would not go to look at them at Tattersall's, nor speak a word +of business about them, because it was a Sunday." + +"Because there are hypocrites," sir, says I, "religion is not to be +considered a bad thing; and if Mr. Brough would not deal with you +on a Sunday, he certainly did his duty." + +The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently +considered me a great criminal. I was glad to be released from +their society by the appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore +very long faces. They were ushered into my room, and, without any +orders of mine, a bottle of wine and biscuits were brought in by +Mr. Aminadab; which I really thought was very kind of him. + +"Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh," says Smithers, "and read +this letter. A pretty note was that which you sent to your aunt +this morning, and here you have an answer to it." + +I drank the wine, and trembled rather as I read as follows:- + + +"Sir,--If, because you knew I had desined to leave you my proparty, +you wished to murdar me, and so stepp into it, you are +dissapointed. Your VILLIANY and INGRATITUDE WOULD have murdard me, +had I not, by Heaven's grace, been inabled to look for consalation +ELSEWHERE. + +"For nearly a year I have been a MARTAR to you. I gave up +everything,--my happy home in the country, where all respected the +name of Hoggarty; my valuble furnitur and wines; my plate, glass, +and crockry; I brought all--all to make your home happy and +rispectable. I put up with the AIRS AND IMPERTANENCIES of Mrs. +Titmarsh; I loaded her and you with presents and bennafits. I +sacrafised myself; I gave up the best sociaty in the land, to witch +I have been accustomed, in order to be a gardian and compannion to +you, and prevent, if possible, that WAIST AND IXTRAVYGANCE which I +PROPHYCIED would be your ruin. Such waist and ixtravygance never, +never, never did I see. Buttar waisted as if it had been dirt, +coles flung away, candles burnt AT BOTH ENDS, tea and meat the +same. The butcher's bill in this house was enough to support six +famalies. + +"And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly for +your crimes,--for cheating me of 3,000L., for robbing your mother +of an insignificient summ, which to her, poor thing, was everything +(though she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her life next +door to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot pay, +wherein you knew that your miserable income was quite unable to +support your ixtravygance--you come upon me to pay your detts! No, +sir, it is quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, +and that your wife should sweep the streets, to which you have +indeed brought them; I, at least, though cheated by you of a large +summ, and obliged to pass my days in comparative ruin, can retire, +and have some of the comforts to which my rank entitles me. The +furnitur in this house is mine; and as I presume you intend YOUR +LADY to sleep in the streets, I give you warning that I shall +remove it all tomorrow. + +"Mr. Smithers will tell you that I had intended to leave you my +intire fortune. I have this morning, in his presents, solamly toar +up my will; and hereby renounce all connection with you and your +beggarly family. + +"SUSAN HOGGARTY. + +"P.S.--I took a viper into my bosom, AND IT STUNG ME." + + +I confess that, on the first reading of this letter, I was in such +a fury that I forgot almost the painful situation in which it +plunged me, and the ruin hanging over me. + +"What a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter!" said Mr. +Smithers. "You have cut your own throat, sir,--lost a fine +property,--written yourself out of five hundred a year. Mrs. +Hoggarty, my client, brought the will, as she says, downstairs, and +flung it into the fire before our faces." + +"It's a blessing that your wife was from home," added Gus. "She +went to church this morning with Dr. Salt's family, and sent word +that she would spend the day with them. She was always glad to be +away from Mrs. H., you know." + +"She never knew on which side her bread was buttered," said Mr. +Smithers. "You should have taken the lady when she was in the +humour, sir, and have borrowed the money elsewhere. Why, sir, I +had almost reconciled her to her loss in that cursed Company. I +showed her how I had saved out of Brough's claws the whole of her +remaining fortune; which he would have devoured in a day, the +scoundrel! And if you would have left the matter to me, Mr. +Titmarsh, I would have had you reconciled completely to Mrs. +Hoggarty; I would have removed all your difficulties; I would have +lent you the pitiful sum of money myself." + +"Will you?" says Gus; "that's a trump!" and he seized Smithers's +hand, and squeezed it so that the tears came into the attorney's +eyes. + +"Generous fellow!" said I; "lend me money, when you know what a +situation I am in, and not able to pay!" + +"Ay, my good sir, there's the rub!" says Mr. Smithers. "I said I +WOULD have lent the money; and so to the acknowledged heir of Mrs. +Hoggarty I would--would at this moment; for nothing delights the +heart of Bob Smithers more than to do a kindness. I would have +rejoiced in doing it; and a mere acknowledgment from that respected +lady would have amply sufficed. But now, sir, the case is +altered,--you have no security to offer, as you justly observe." + +"Not a whit, certainly." + +"And without security, sir, of course can expect no money--of +course not. You are a man of the world, Mr. Titmarsh, and I see +our notions exactly agree." + +"There's his wife's property," says Gus. + +"Wife's property? Bah! Mrs. Sam Titmarsh is a minor, and can't +touch a shilling of it. No, no, no meddling with minors for me! +But stop!--your mother has a house and shop in our village. Get me +a mortgage of that--" + +"I'll do no such thing, sir," says I. "My mother has suffered +quite enough on my score already, and has my sisters to provide +for; and I will thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a syllable +to her regarding my present situation." + +"You speak like a man of honour, sir," says Mr. Smithers, "and I +will obey your injunctions to the letter. I will do more, sir. I +will introduce you to a respectable firm here, my worthy friends, +Messrs. Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, who will do everything in +their power to serve you. And so, sir, I wish you a very good +morning." + +And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room; and +after a further consultation with my aunt, as I heard afterwards, +quitted London that evening by the mail. + +I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently to +my wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should speak of it abruptly to +her; as I knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an hour +panting back, to say that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her trunks, +and had gone off in a hackney-coach. So, knowing that my poor Mary +was not to return till night, Hoskins remained with me till then; +and, after a dismal day, left me once more at nine, to carry the +dismal tidings to her. + +At ten o'clock on that night there was a great rattling and ringing +at the outer door, and presently my poor girl fell into my arms; +and Gus Hoskins sat blubbering in a corner, as I tried my best to +console her. + +* * * + +The next morning I was favoured with a visit from Mr. Blatherwick; +who, hearing from me that I had only three guineas in my pocket, +told me very plainly that lawyers only lived by fees. He +recommended me to quit Cursitor Street, as living there was very +expensive. And as I was sitting very sad, my wife made her +appearance (it was with great difficulty that she could be brought +to leave me the night previous) - + +"The horrible men came at four this morning," said she; "four hours +before light." + +"What horrible men?" says I. + +"Your aunt's men," said she, "to remove the furniture they had it +all packed before I came away. And I let them carry all," said +she; "I was too sad to look what was ours and what was not. That +odious Mr. Wapshot was with them; and I left him seeing the last +waggon-load from the door. I have only brought away your clothes," +added she, "and a few of mine; and some of the books you used to +like to read; and some--some things I have been getting for the-- +for the baby. The servants' wages were paid up to Christmas; and I +paid them the rest. And see! just as I was going away, the post +came, and brought to me my half-year's income--35L., dear Sam. +Isn't it a blessing?" + +"Will you pay my bill, Mr. What-d'ye-call-'im?" here cried Mr. +Aminadab, flinging open the door (he had been consulting with Mr. +Blatherwick, I suppose). "I want the room for A GENTLEMAN. I +guess it's too dear for the like of you." And here--will you +believe it?--the man handed me a bill of three guineas for two +days' board and lodging in his odious house. + +* * * + +There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, +and had I been alone I should have been ashamed of seeing them; +but, as it was, I was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was +leaning trustfully on my arm, and smiling like heaven into my face- +-ay, and TOOK heaven, too, into the Fleet prison with me--or an +angel out of heaven. Ah! I had loved her before, and happy it is +to love when one is hopeful and young in the midst of smiles and +sunshine; but be UNhappy, and then see what it is to be loved by a +good woman! I declare before Heaven, that of all the joys and +happy moments it has given me, that was the crowning one--that +little ride, with my wife's cheek on my shoulder, down Holborn to +the prison! Do you think I cared for the bailiff that sat +opposite? No, by the Lord! I kissed her, and hugged her--yes, and +cried with her likewise. But before our ride was over her eyes +dried up, and she stepped blushing and happy out of the coach at +the prison door, as if she were a princess going to the Queen's +Drawing-room. + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +IN WHICH THE HERO'S AUNT'S DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE +HERO'S UNCLE + +The failure of the great Diddlesex Association speedily became the +theme of all the newspapers, and every person concerned in it was +soon held up to public abhorrence as a rascal and a swindler. It +was said that Brough had gone off with a million of money. Even it +was hinted that poor I had sent a hundred thousand pounds to +America, and only waited to pass through the court in order to be a +rich man for the rest of my days. This opinion had some supporters +in the prison; where, strange to say, it procured me consideration- +-of which, as may be supposed, I was little inclined to avail +myself. Mr. Aminadab, however, in his frequent visits to the +Fleet, persisted in saying that I was a poor-spirited creature, a +mere tool in Brough's hands, and had not saved a shilling. +Opinions, however, differed; and I believe it was considered by the +turnkeys that I was a fellow of exquisite dissimulation, who had +put on the appearance of poverty in order more effectually to +mislead the public. + +Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public odium: +and, in fact, what were the exact dealings of these gentlemen with +Mr. Brough I have never been able to learn. It was proved by the +books that large sums of money had been paid to Mr. Abednego by the +Company; but he produced documents signed by Mr. Brough, which made +the latter and the West Diddlesex Association his debtors to a +still further amount. On the day I went to the Bankruptcy Court to +be examined, Mr. Abednego and the two gentlemen from Houndsditch +were present to swear to their debts, and made a sad noise, and +uttered a vast number of oaths in attestation of their claim. But +Messrs. Jackson and Paxton produced against them that very Irish +porter who was said to have been the cause of the fire, and, I am +told, hinted that they had matter for hanging the Jewish gents if +they persisted in their demand. On this they disappeared +altogether, and no more was ever heard of their losses. I am +inclined to believe that our Director had had money from Abednego-- +had given him shares as bonus and security--had been suddenly +obliged to redeem these shares with ready money; and so had +precipitated the ruin of himself and the concern. It is needless +to say here in what a multiplicity of companies Brough was engaged. +That in which poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did not pay 2D. in +the pound; and that was the largest dividend paid by any of them. + +As for ours--ah! there was a pretty scene as I was brought from the +Fleet to the Bankruptcy Court, to give my testimony as late head +clerk and accountant of the West Diddlesex Association. + +My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompanying +me to Basinghall Street; and so did my friend Gus Hoskins, that +true and honest fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was +assembled, and the hubbub that was made as I was brought up! + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Commissioner as I came to the table, with +a peculiar sarcastic accent on the Tit--"Mr. Titmarsh, you were the +confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk of Mr. Brough, and a +considerable shareholder in the Company?" + +"Only a nominal one, sir," said I. + +"Of course, only nominal," continued the Commissioner, turning to +his colleague with a sneer; "and a great comfort it must be to you, +sir, to think that you had a share in all the plun--the profits of +the speculation, and now can free yourself from the losses, by +saying you are only a nominal shareholder." + +"The infernal villain!" shouted out a voice from the crowd. It was +that of the furious half-pay captain and late shareholder, Captain +Sparr. + +"Silence in the court there!" the Commissioner continued: and all +this while Mary was anxiously looking in his face, and then in +mine, as pale as death; while Gus, on the contrary, was as red as +vermilion. "Mr. Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune to see a +list of your debts from the Insolvent Court, and find that you are +indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the great tailor, in a handsome sum; to Mr. +Polonius, the celebrated jeweller, likewise; to fashionable +milliners and dressmakers, moreover;--and all this upon a salary of +200L. per annum. For so young a gentleman it must be confessed you +have employed your time well." + +"Has this anything to do with the question, sir?" says I. "Am I +here to give an account of my private debts, or to speak as to what +I know regarding the affairs of the Company? As for my share in +it, I have a mother, sir, and many sisters--" + +"The d-d scoundrel!" shouts the Captain. + +"Silence that there fellow!" shouts Gus, as bold as brass; at which +the court burst out laughing, and this gave me courage to proceed. + +"My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of 400L. left to +her, advised with her solicitor, Mr. Smithers, how she should +dispose of this sum; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was just +then established, the money was placed in an annuity in that +office, where I procured a clerkship. You may suppose me a very +hardened criminal, because I have ordered clothes of Mr. Von +Stiltz; but you will hardly fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew +anything of the concerns of the Company into whose service I +entered as twentieth clerk, my own mother's money paying, as it +were, for my place. Well, sir, the interest offered by the Company +was so tempting, that a rich relative of mine was induced to +purchase a number of shares." + +"Who induced your relative, if I may make so bold as to inquire?" + +"I can't help owning, sir," says I, blushing, "that I wrote a +letter myself. But consider, my relative was sixty years old, and +I was twenty-one. My relative took several months to consider, and +had the advice of her lawyers before she acceded to my request. +And I made it at the instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated the +letter which I wrote, and who I really thought then was as rich as +Mr. Rothschild himself." + +"Your friend placed her money in your name; and you, if I mistake +not, Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed over the heads of twelve of +your fellow-clerks as a reward for your service in obtaining it?" + +"It is very true, sir,"--and, as I confessed it, poor Mary began to +wipe her eyes, and Gus's ears (I could not see his face) looked +like two red-hot muffins--"it's quite true, sir; and, as matters +have turned out, I am heartily sorry for what I did. But at the +time I thought I could serve my aunt as well as myself; and you +must remember, then, how high our shares were." + +"Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were straightway +taken into Mr. Brough's confidence. You were received into his +house, and from third clerk speedily became head clerk; in which +post you were found at the disappearance of your worthy patron!" + +"Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure; but here are a +hundred of our shareholders, and I'm not unwilling to make a clean +breast of it," said I, pressing Mary's hand. "I certainly was the +head clerk. And why? Because the other gents left the office. I +certainly was received into Mr. Brough's house. And why? Because, +sir, my aunt HAD MORE MONEY TO LAY OUT. I see it all clearly now, +though I could not understand it then; and the proof that Mr. +Brough wanted my aunt's money, and not me, is that, when she came +to town, our Director carried her by force out of my house to +Fulham, and never so much as thought of asking me or my wife +thither. Ay, sir, and he would have had her remaining money, had +not her lawyer from the country prevented her disposing of it. +Before the concern finally broke, and as soon as she heard there +was doubt concerning it, she took back her shares--scrip shares +they were, sir, as you know--and has disposed of them as she +thought fit. Here, sir, and gents," says I, "you have the whole of +the history as far as regards me. In order to get her only son a +means of livelihood, my mother placed her little money with the +Company--it is lost. My aunt invested larger sums with it, which +were to have been mine one day, and they are lost too; and here am +I, at the end of four years, a disgraced and ruined man. Is there +anyone present, however much he has suffered by the failure of the +Company, that has had worse fortune through it than I?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more friendly way, +and at the same time casting a glance at a newspaper reporter that +was sitting hard by, "your story is not likely to get into the +newspapers; for, as you say, it is a private affair, which you had +no need to speak of unless you thought proper, and may be +considered as a confidential conversation between us and the other +gentlemen here. But if it COULD be made public, it might do some +good, and warn people, if they WILL be warned, against the folly of +such enterprises as that in which you have been engaged. It is +quite clear from your story, that you have been deceived as grossly +as anyone of the persons present. But look you, sir, if you had +not been so eager after gain, I think you would not have allowed +yourself to be deceived, and would have kept your relative's money, +and inherited it, according to your story, one day or other. +Directly people expect to make a large interest, their judgment +seems to desert them; and because they wish for profit, they think +they are sure of it, and disregard all warnings and all prudence. +Besides the hundreds of honest families who have been ruined by +merely placing confidence in this Association of yours, and who +deserve the heartiest pity, there are hundreds more who have +embarked in it, like yourself, not for investment, but for +speculation; and these, upon my word, deserve the fate they have +met with. As long as dividends are paid, no questions are asked; +and Mr. Brough might have taken the money for his shareholders on +the high-road, and they would have pocketed it, and not been too +curious. But what's the use of talking?" says Mr. Commissioner, in +a passion: "here is one rogue detected, and a thousand dupes made; +and if another swindler starts to-morrow, there will be a thousand +more of his victims round this table a year hence; and so, I +suppose, to the end. And now let's go to business, gentlemen, and +excuse this sermon." + +After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, other +gents who were employed in the concern were examined; and I went +back to prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We had to pass +through the crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as I saw, amongst +a score of others, poor Gates, Brough's porter, who had advanced +every shilling to his master, and was now, with ten children, +houseless and penniless in his old age. Captain Sparr was in this +neighbourhood, but by no means so friendly disposed; for while +Gates touched his hat, as if I had been a lord, the little Captain +came forward threatening with his bamboo-cane and swearing with +great oaths that I was an accomplice of Brough. "Curse you for a +smooth-faced scoundrel!" says he. "What business have you to ruin +an English gentleman, as you have me?" And again he advanced with +his stick. But this time, officer as he was, Gus took him by the +collar, and shoved him back, and said, "Look at the lady, you +brute, and hold your tongue!" And when he looked at my wife's +situation, Captain Sparr became redder for shame than he had before +been for anger. "I'm sorry she's married to such a good-for- +nothing," muttered he, and fell back; and my poor wife and I walked +out of the court, and back to our dismal room in the prison. + +It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to be confined +in; and I longed to have some of my relatives with her when her +time should come. But her grandmother could not leave the old +lieutenant; and my mother had written to say that, as Mrs. Hoggarty +was with us, she was quite as well at home with her children. +"What a blessing it is for you, under your misfortunes," continued +the good soul, "to have the generous purse of your aunt for +succour!" Generous purse of my aunt, indeed! Where could Mrs. +Hoggarty be? It was evident that she had not written to any of her +friends in the country, nor gone thither, as she threatened. + +But as my mother had already lost so much money through my +unfortunate luck, and as she had enough to do with her little +pittance to keep my sisters at home; and as, on hearing of my +condition, she would infallibly have sold her last gown to bring me +aid, Mary and I agreed that we would not let her know what our real +condition was--bad enough! Heaven knows, and sad and cheerless. +Old Lieutenant Smith had likewise nothing but his half-pay and his +rheumatism; so we were, in fact, quite friendless. + +That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me like +recollections of some fever. What an awful place!--not for the +sadness, strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of it; +for the long prison galleries were, I remember, full of life and a +sort of grave bustle. All day and all night doors were clapping to +and fro; and you heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. +Next door to our room was one where a man sold gin, under the name +of TAPE; and here, from morning till night, the people kept up a +horrible revelry;--and sang--sad songs some of them: but my dear +little girl was, thank God! unable to understand the most part of +their ribaldry. She never used to go out till nightfall; and all +day she sat working at a little store of caps and dresses for the +expected stranger--and not, she says to this day, unhappy. But the +confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy country air, +and she grew daily paler and paler. + +The Fives Court was opposite our window; and here I used, very +unwillingly at first, but afterwards, I do confess, with much +eagerness, to take a couple of hours' daily sport. Ah! it was a +strange place. There was an aristocracy there as elsewhere,-- +amongst other gents, a son of my Lord Deuce-ace; and many of the +men in the prison were as eager to walk with him, and talked of his +family as knowingly, as if they were Bond Street bucks. Poor Tidd, +especially, was one of these. Of all his fortune he had nothing +left but a dressing-case and a flowered dressing-gown; and to these +possessions he added a fine pair of moustaches, with which the poor +creature strutted about; and though cursing his ill fortune, was, I +do believe, as happy whenever his friends brought him a guinea, as +he had been during his brief career as a gentleman on town. I have +seen sauntering dandies in watering-places ogling the women, +watching eagerly for steamboats and stage-coaches as if their lives +depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets up and down +the public walks. Well, there are such fellows in prison: quite +as dandified and foolish, only a little more shabby--dandies with +dirty beards and holes at their elbows. + +I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prison--I +DARED not, that was the fact. But our little stock of money was +running low; and my heart sickened to think what might be my dear +wife's fate, and on what sort of a couch our child might be born. +But Heaven spared me that pang,--Heaven, and my dear good friend, +Gus Hoskins. + +The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me that I +could get leave to live in the rules of the Fleet, could I procure +sureties to the marshal of the prison for the amount of the +detainer lodged against me; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick +hard in the face, he never offered to give the bail for me, and I +knew no housekeeper in London who would procure it. There was, +however, one whom I did not know,--and that was old Mr. Hoskins, +the leatherseller of Skinner Street, a kind fat gentleman, who +brought his fat wife to see Mrs. Titmarsh; and though the lady gave +herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free of the +Skinners' Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, Lord Mayor +of the first city in the world), she seemed heartily to sympathise +with us; and her husband stirred and bustled about until the +requisite leave was obtained, and I was allowed comparative +liberty. + +As for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. Stokes, +sent her Jemima to say that her first floor was at our service; and +when we had taken possession of it, and I offered at the end of the +week to pay her bill, the good soul, with tears in her eyes, told +me that she did not want for money now, and that she knew I had +enough to do with what I had. I did not refuse her kindness; for, +indeed, I had but five guineas left, and ought not by rights to +have thought of such expensive apartments as hers; but my wife's +time was very near, and I could not bear to think that she should +want for any comfort in her lying-in. + +The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came every day to +keep company--and very nice, kind ladies they are--recovered her +health a good deal, now she was out of the odious prison and was +enabled to take exercise. How gaily did we pace up and down Bridge +Street and Chatham Place, to be sure! and yet, in truth, I was a +beggar, and felt sometimes ashamed of being so happy. + +With regard to the liabilities of the Company my mind was now made +quite easy; for the creditors could only come upon our directors, +and these it was rather difficult to find. Mr. Brough was across +the water; and I must say, to the credit of that gentleman, that +while everybody thought he had run away with hundreds of thousands +of pounds, he was in a garret at Boulogne, with scarce a shilling +in his pocket, and his fortune to make afresh. Mrs. Brough, like a +good brave woman, remained faithful to him, and only left Fulham +with the gown on her back; and Miss Belinda, though grumbling and +sadly out of temper, was no better off. For the other directors,-- +when they came to inquire at Edinburgh for Mr. Mull, W. S., it +appeared there WAS a gentleman of that name, who had practised in +Edinburgh with good reputation until 1800, since when he had +retired to the Isle of Skye; and on being applied to, knew no more +of the West Diddlesex Association than Queen Anne did. General Sir +Dionysius O'Halloran had abruptly quitted Dublin, and returned to +the republic of Guatemala. Mr. Shirk went into the Gazette. Mr. +Macraw, M.P. and King's Counsel, had not a single guinea in the +world but what he received for attending our board; and the only +man seizable was Mr. Manstraw, a wealthy navy contractor, as we +understood, at Chatham. He turned out to be a small dealer in +marine stores, and his whole stock in trade was not worth 10L. Mr. +Abednego was the other director, and we have already seen what +became of HIM. + +"Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex," suggested Mr. +Hoskins, senior, "should you not now endeavour to make an +arrangement with your creditors; and who can make a better bargain +with them than pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose sweet eyes would +soften the hardest-hearted tailor or milliner that ever lived?" + +Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me by +the hand, and bidding me be of good cheer, set forth with Gus in a +coach, to pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a year +before, that the daughter of the gallant Smith should ever be +compelled to be a suppliant to tailors and haberdashers; but SHE, +Heaven bless her! felt none of the shame which oppressed me--or +SAID she felt none--and went away, nothing doubting, on her errand. + +In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know the +news. I saw it was bad by her face. For some time she did not +speak, but looked as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. +"YOU speak, Mr. Augustus," at last said she, sobbing; and so Gus +told me the circumstances of that dismal day. + +"What do you think, Sam?" says he; "that infernal aunt of yours, at +whose command you had the things, has written to the tradesmen to +say that you are a swindler and impostor; that you give out that +SHE ordered the goods; that she is ready to drop down dead, and to +take her bible-oath she never did any such thing, and that they +must look to you alone for payment. Not one of them would hear of +letting you out; and as for Mantalini, the scoundrel was so +insolent that I gave him a box on the ear, and would have half- +killed him, only poor Mary--Mrs. Titmarsh I mean--screamed and +fainted: and I brought her away, and here she is, as ill as can +be." + +That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to run post-haste for +Doctor Salts, and next morning a little boy was born. I did not +know whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little +weakly thing; but Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in the +world, and forgot all her sorrows in nursing the poor baby; she +went bravely through her time, and vowed that it was the loveliest +child in the world; and that though Lady Tiptoff, whose confinement +we read of as having taken place the same day, might have a silk +bed and a fine house in Grosvenor Square, she never never could +have such a beautiful child as our dear little Gus: for after whom +should we have named the boy, if not after our good kind friend? +We had a little party at the christening, and I assure you were +very merry over our tea. + +The mother, thank Heaven! was very well, and it did one's heart +good to see her in that attitude in which I think every woman, be +she ever so plain, looks beautiful--with her baby at her bosom. +The child was sickly, but she did not see it; we were very poor, +but what cared she? She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was: +I had my last guinea now in my pocket; and when THAT was gone--ah! +my heart sickened to think of what was to come, and I prayed for +strength and guidance, and in the midst of my perplexities felt yet +thankful that the danger of the confinement was over; and that for +the worst fortune which was to befall us, my dear wife was at least +prepared, and strong in health. + +I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper room--a +garret that should cost but a few shillings; and though the good +woman bade me remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now that +my wife was well, I felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind +landlady of her chief means of livelihood; and at length she +promised to get me a garret as I wanted, and to make it as +comfortable as might be; and little Jemima declared that she would +be glad beyond measure to wait on the mother and the child. + +The room, then, was made ready; and though I took some pains not to +speak of the arrangement too suddenly to Mary, yet there was no +need of disguise or hesitation; for when at last I told her--"Is +that all?" said she, and took my hand with one of her blessed +smiles, and vowed that she and Jemima would keep the room as pretty +and neat as possible. "And I will cook your dinners," added she; +"for you know you said I make the best roly-poly puddings in the +world." God bless her! I do think some women almost love poverty: +but I did not tell Mary how poor I was, nor had she any idea how +lawyers', and prison's, and doctors' fees had diminished the sum of +money which she brought me when we came to the Fleet. + +It was not, however, destined that she and her child should inhabit +that little garret. We were to leave our lodgings on Monday +morning; but on Saturday evening the child was seized with +convulsions, and all Sunday the mother watched and prayed for it: +but it pleased God to take the innocent infant from us, and on +Sunday, at midnight, it lay a corpse in its mother's bosom. Amen. +We have other children, happy and well, now round about us, and +from the father's heart the memory of this little thing has almost +faded; but I do believe that every day of her life the mother +thinks of the firstborn that was with her for so short a while: +many and many a time has she taken her daughters to the grave, in +Saint Bride's, where he lies buried; and she wears still at her +neck a little little lock of gold hair, which she took from the +head of the infant as he lay smiling in his coffin. It has +happened to me to forget the child's birthday, but to her never; +and often in the midst of common talk comes something that shows +she is thinking of the child still,--some simple allusion that is +to me inexpressibly affecting. + +I shall not try to describe her grief, for such things are sacred +and secret; and a man has no business to place them on paper for +all the world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child's +loss at all, but that even that loss was the means of a great +worldly blessing to us; as my wife has often with tears and thanks +acknowledged. + +While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to say I was +distracted with other feelings besides those of grief for its loss; +and I have often since thought what a master--nay, destroyer--of +the affections want is, and have learned from experience to be +thankful for DAILY BREAD. That acknowledgment of weakness which we +make in imploring to be relieved from hunger and from temptation, +is surely wisely put in our daily prayer. Think of it you who are +rich, and take heed how you turn a beggar away. + +The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet fixed +smile in its face (I think the angels in heaven must have been glad +to welcome that pretty innocent smile); and it was only the next +day, after my wife had gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch by +it, that I remembered the condition of its parents, and thought, I +can't tell with what a pang, that I had not money left to bury the +little thing, and wept bitter tears of despair. Now, at last, I +thought I must apply to my poor mother, for this was a sacred +necessity; and I took paper, and wrote her a letter at the baby's +side, and told her of our condition. But, thank Heaven! I never +sent the letter; for as I went to the desk to get sealing-wax and +seal that dismal letter, my eyes fell upon the diamond pin that I +had quite forgotten, and that was lying in the drawer of the desk. + +I looked into the bedroom,--my poor wife was asleep; she had been +watching for three nights and days, and had fallen asleep from +sheer fatigue; and I ran out to a pawnbroker's with the diamond, +and received seven guineas for it, and coming back put the money +into the landlady's hand, and told her to get what was needful. My +wife was still asleep when I came back; and when she woke, we +persuaded her to go downstairs to the landlady's parlour; and +meanwhile the necessary preparations were made, and the poor child +consigned to its coffin. + +The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three +out of the seven guineas; and then I could not help sobbing out to +her my doubts and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last +money I had; and when that was gone I knew not what was to become +of the best wife that ever a man was blest with. + +My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was with me, +and quite as much affected as any of the party, took me by the arm, +and led me downstairs; and we quite forgot all about the prison and +the rules, and walked a long long way across Blackfriars Bridge, +the kind fellow striving as much as possible to console me. + +When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person who met +me in the house was my kind mother, who fell into my arms with many +tears, and who rebuked me tenderly for not having told her of my +necessities. She never should have known of them, she said; but +she had not heard from me since I wrote announcing the birth of the +child, and she felt uneasy about my silence; and meeting Mr. +Smithers in the street, asked from him news concerning me: +whereupon that gentleman, with some little show of alarm, told her +that he thought her daughter-in-law was confined in an +uncomfortable place; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left us; finally, that +I was in prison. This news at once despatched my poor mother on +her travels, and she had only just come from the prison, where she +learned my address. + +I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found her. +Rather to my amaze she said that Mary was out with the landlady +when she arrived; and eight--nine o'clock came, and she was absent +still. + +At ten o'clock returned--not my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, and with her +a gentleman, who shook hands with me on coming into the room, and +said, "Mr. Titmarsh! I don't know whether you will remember me: +my name is Tiptoff. I have brought you a note from Mrs. Titmarsh, +and a message from my wife, who sincerely commiserates your loss, +and begs you will not be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh's absence. She +has been good enough to promise to pass the night with Lady +Tiptoff; and I am sure you will not object to her being away from +you, while she is giving happiness to a sick mother and a sick +child." After a few more words, my Lord left us. My wife's note +only said that Mrs. Stokes would tell me all. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + + +IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN +WEAR IN HIS BOSOM + +"Mrs. Titmarsh, ma'am," says Mrs. Stokes, "before I gratify your +curiosity, ma'am, permit me to observe that angels is scarce; and +it's rare to have one, much more two, in a family. Both your son +and your daughter-in-law, ma'am, are of that uncommon sort; they +are, now, reely, ma'am." + +My mother said she thanked God for both of us; and Mrs. Stokes +proceeded:- + +"When the fu- when the seminary, ma'am, was concluded this morning, +your poor daughter-in-law was glad to take shelter in my humble +parlour, ma'am; where she wept, and told a thousand stories of the +little cherub that's gone. Heaven bless us! it was here but a +month, and no one could have thought it could have done such a many +things in that time. But a mother's eyes are clear, ma'am; and I +had just such another angel, my dear little Antony, that was born +before Jemima, and would have been twenty-three now were he in this +wicked world, ma'am. However, I won't speak of him, ma'am, but of +what took place. + +"You must know, ma'am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained downstairs while +Mr. Samuel was talking with his friend Mr. Hoskins; and the poor +thing would not touch a bit of dinner, though we had it made +comfortable; and after dinner, it was with difficulty I could get +her to sup a little drop of wine-and-water, and dip a toast in it. +It was the first morsel that had passed her lips for many a long +hour, ma'am. + +"Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to interrupt +her; but she sat and looked at my two youngest that were playing on +the rug; and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus went out, the +boy brought the newspaper, ma'am, -it always comes from three to +four, and I began a-reading of it. But I couldn't read much, for +thinking of poor Mr. Sam's sad face as he went out, and the sad +story he told me about his money being so low; and every now and +then I stopped reading, and bade Mrs. T. not to take on so; and +told her some stories about my dear little Antony. + +"'Ah!' says she, sobbing, and looking at the young ones, 'you have +other children, Mrs. Stokes; but that--that was my only one;' and +she flung back in her chair, and cried fit to break her heart: and +I knew that the cry would do her good, and so went back to my +paper--the Morning Post, ma'am; I always read it, for I like to +know what's a-going on in the West End. + +"The very first thing that my eyes lighted upon was this:- 'Wanted, +immediately, a respectable person as wet-nurse. Apply at No. -, +Grosvenor Square.' 'Bless us and save us!' says I, 'here's poor +Lady Tiptoff ill;' for I knew her Ladyship's address, and how she +was confined on the very same day with Mrs. T.: and, for the +matter of that, her Ladyship knows my address, having visited here. + +"A sudden thought came over me. 'My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,' said I, +'you know how poor and how good your husband is?' + +"'Yes,' says she, rather surprised. + +"'Well, my dear,' says I, looking her hard in the face, 'Lady +Tiptoff, who knows him, wants a nurse for her son, Lord Poynings. +Will you be a brave woman, and look for the place, and mayhap +replace the little one that God has taken from you?' + +"She began to tremble and blush; and then I told her what you, Mr. +Sam, had told me the other day about your money matters; and no +sooner did she hear it than she sprung to her bonnet, and said, +'Come, come:' and in five minutes she had me by the arm, and we +walked together to Grosvenor Square. The air did her no harm, Mr. +Sam, and during the whole of the walk she never cried but once, and +then it was at seeing a nursery-maid in the Square. + +"A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, 'You're the +forty-fifth as come about this 'ere place; but, fust, let me ask +you a preliminary question. Are you a Hirishwoman?' + +"'No, sir,' says Mrs. T. + +"'That suffishnt, mem,' says the gentleman in plush; 'I see you're +not by your axnt. Step this way, ladies, if you please. You'll +find some more candidix for the place upstairs; but I sent away +forty-four happlicants, because they WAS Hirish.' + +"We were taken upstairs over very soft carpets, and brought into a +room, and told by an old lady who was there to speak very softly, +for my Lady was only two rooms off. And when I asked how the baby +and her Ladyship were, the old lady told me both were pretty well: +only the doctor said Lady Tiptoff was too delicate to nurse any +longer; and so it was considered necessary to have a wet-nurse. + +"There was another young woman in the room--a tall fine woman as +ever you saw--that looked very angry and contempshious at Mrs. T. +and me, and said, 'I've brought a letter from the duchess whose +daughter I nust; and I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, my Lady Tiptoff +may look far before she finds such another nuss as me. Five feet +six high, had the small-pox, married to a corporal in the +Lifeguards, perfectly healthy, best of charactiers, only drink +water; and as for the child, ma'am, if her Ladyship had six, I've a +plenty for them all.' + +"As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in black +came in from the next room, treading as if on velvet. The woman +got up, and made him a low curtsey, and folding her arms on her +great broad chest, repeated the speech she had made before. Mrs. +T. did not get up from her chair, but only made a sort of a bow; +which, to be sure, I thought was ill manners, as this gentleman was +evidently the apothecary. He looked hard at her and said, 'Well, +my good woman, and are you come about the place too?' + +"'Yes, sir,' says she, blushing. + +"'You seem very delicate. How old is your child? How many have +you had? What character have you?' + +"Your wife didn't answer a word; so I stepped up, and said, 'Sir,' +says I, 'this lady has just lost her first child, and isn't used to +look for places, being the daughter of a captain in the navy; so +you'll excuse her want of manners in not getting up when you came +in.' + +"The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly to her; +he said he was afraid that her application would be unsuccessful, +as Mrs. Horner came very strongly recommended from the Duchess of +Doncaster, whose relative Lady Tiptoff was; and presently my Lady +appeared, looking very pretty, ma'am, in an elegant lace-cap and a +sweet muslin robe-de-sham. + +"A nurse came out of her Ladyship's room with her; and while my +Lady was talking to us, walked up and down in the next room with +something in her arms. + +"First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Horner, and then to Mrs. T.; but all +the while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh, rather rudely, as I +thought, ma'am, was looking into the next room: looking--looking +at the baby there with all her might. My Lady asked her her name, +and if she had any character; and as she did not speak, I spoke up +for her, and said she was the wife of one of the best men in the +world; that her Ladyship knew the gentleman, too, and had brought +him a haunch of venison. Then Lady Tiptoff looked up quite +astonished, and I told the whole story: how you had been head +clerk, and that rascal, Brough, had brought you to ruin. 'Poor +thing!' said my Lady: Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak, but still kept +looking at the baby; and the great big grenadier of a Mrs. Horner +looked angrily at her. + +"'Poor thing!' says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.'s hand very kind, 'she +seems very young. How old are you, my dear?' + +"'Five weeks and two days!' says your wife, sobbing. + +"Mrs. Horner burst into a laugh; but there was a tear in my Lady's +eyes, for she knew what the poor thing was a-thinking of. + +"'Silence, woman!' says she angrily to the great grenadier woman; +and at this moment the child in the next room began crying. + +"As soon as your wife heard the noise, she sprung from her chair +and made a stop forward, and put both her hands to her breast and +said, 'The child--the child--give it me!' and then began to cry +again. + +"My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the next +room and brought her the baby; and the baby clung to her as if he +knew her: and a pretty sight it was to see that dear woman with +the child at her bosom. + +"When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did? After looking on +it for a bit, she put her arms round your wife's neck and kissed +her. + +"'My dear,' said she, 'I am sure you are as good as you are pretty, +and you shall keep the child: and I thank God for sending you to +me!' + +"These were her very words; and Dr. Bland, who was standing by, +says, 'It's a second judgment of Solomon!' + +"'I suppose, my Lady, you don't want ME?' says the big woman, with +another curtsey. + +"'Not in the least!' answers my Lady, haughtily, and the grenadier +left the room: and then I told all your story at full length, and +Mrs. Blenkinsop kept me to tea, and I saw the beautiful room that +Mrs. Titmarsh is to have next to Lady Tiptoff's; and when my Lord +came home, what does he do but insist upon coming back with me here +in a hackney-coach, as he said he must apologise to you for keeping +your wife away." + +I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event +which, in the midst of our sorrow, came to console us, and in our +poverty to give us bread,--I could not help connecting it with the +DIAMOND PIN, and fancying that the disappearance of that ornament +had somehow brought a different and a better sort of luck into my +family. And though some gents who read this, may call me a poor- +spirited fellow for allowing my wife to go out to service, who was +bred a lady and ought to have servants herself: yet, for my part, +I confess I did not feel one minute's scruple or mortification on +the subject. If you love a person, is it not a pleasure to feel +obliged to him? And this, in consequence, I felt. I was proud and +happy at being able to think that my dear wife should be able to +labour and earn bread for me, now misfortune had put it out of my +power to support me and her. And now, instead of making any +reflections of my own upon prison discipline, I will recommend the +reader to consult that admirable chapter in the Life of Mr. +Pickwick in which the same theme is handled, and which shows how +silly it is to deprive honest men of the means of labour just at +the moment when they most want it. What could I do? There were +one or two gents in the prison who could work (literary gents,--one +wrote his "Travels in Mesopotamia," and the other his "Sketches at +Almack's," in the place); but all the occupation I could find was +walking down Bridge Street, and then up Bridge Street, and staring +at Alderman Waithman's windows, and then at the black man who swept +the crossing. I never gave him anything; but I envied him his +trade and his broom, and the money that continually fell into his +old hat. But I was not allowed even to carry a broom. + +Twice or thrice--for Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy often +to breathe the air of such a close place as Salisbury Square--my +dear Mary came in the thundering carriage to see me. They were +merry meetings; and--if the truth must be told--twice, when nobody +was by, I jumped into the carriage and had a drive with her; and +when I had seen her home, jumped into another hackney-coach and +drove back. But this was only twice; for the system was dangerous, +and it might bring me into trouble, and it cost three shillings +from Grosvenor Square to Ludgate Hill. + +Here, meanwhile, my good mother kept me company; and what should we +read of one day but the marriage of Mrs. Hoggarty and the Rev. +Grimes Wapshot! My mother, who never loved Mrs. H., now said that +she should repent all her life having allowed me to spend so much +of my time with that odious ungrateful woman; and added that she +and I too were justly punished for worshipping the mammon of +unrighteousness and forgetting our natural feelings for the sake of +my aunt's paltry lucre. "Well, Amen!" said I. "This is the end of +all our fine schemes! My aunt's money and my aunt's diamond were +the causes of my ruin, and now they are clear gone, thank Heaven! +and I hope the old lady will be happy; and I must say I don't envy +the Rev. Grimes Wapshot." So we put Mrs. Hoggarty out of our +thoughts, and made ourselves as comfortable as might be. + +Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their +children than we poor ones, and little Lord Poynings was not +christened until the month of June. A duke was one godfather, and +Mr. Edmund Preston, the State Secretary, another; and that kind +Lady Jane Preston, whom I have before spoken of, was the godmother +to her nephew. She had not long been made acquainted with my +wife's history; and both she and her sister loved her heartily and +were very kind to her. Indeed, there was not a single soul in the +house, high or low, but was fond of that good sweet creature; and +the very footmen were as ready to serve her as they were their own +mistress. + +"I tell you what, sir," says one of them. "You see, Tit my boy, +I'm a connyshure, and up to snough; and if ever I see a lady in my +life, Mrs. Titmarsh is one. I can't be fimiliar with her--I've +tried--" + +"Have you, sir?" said I. + +"Don't look so indignant! I can't, I say, be fimiliar with her as +I am with you. There's a somethink in her, a jenny-squaw, that +haws me, sir! and even my Lord's own man, that 'as 'ad as much +success as any gentleman in Europe--he says that, cuss him--" + +"Mr. Charles," says I, "tell my Lord's own man that, if he wants to +keep his place and his whole skin, he will never address a single +word to that lady but such as a servant should utter in the +presence of his mistress; and take notice that I am a gentleman, +though a poor one, and will murder the first man who does her +wrong!" + +Mr. Charles only said "Gammin!" to this: but psha! in bragging +about my own spirit, I forgot to say what great good fortune my +dear wife's conduct procured for me. + +On the christening-day, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, and +then a twenty-pound note; but she declined either; but she did not +decline a present that the two ladies made her together, and this +was no other than MY RELEASE FROM THE FLEET. Lord Tiptoff's lawyer +paid every one of the bills against me, and that happy christening- +day made me a free man. Ah! who shall tell the pleasure of that +day, or the merry dinner we had in Mary's room at Lord Tiptoff's +house, when my Lord and my Lady came upstairs to shake hands with +me! + +"I have been speaking to Mr. Preston," says my Lord, "the gentleman +with whom you had the memorable quarrel, and he has forgiven it, +although he was in the wrong, and promises to do something for you. +We are going down, meanwhile, to his house at Richmond; and be +sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I will not fail to keep you in his mind." + +"MRS. Titmarsh will do that," says my Lady; "for Edmund is woefully +smitten with her!" And Mary blushed, and I laughed, and we were +all very happy: and sure enough there came from Richmond a letter +to me, stating that I was appointed fourth clerk in the Tape and +Sealing-wax Office, with a salary of 80L. per annum. + +Here perhaps my story ought to stop; for I was happy at last, and +have never since, thank Heaven! known want: but Gus insists that I +should add how I gave up the place in the Tape and Sealing-wax +Office, and for what reason. That excellent Lady Jane Preston is +long gone, and so is Mr. P- off in an apoplexy, and there is no +harm now in telling the story. + +The fact was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary in a +much more serious way than any of us imagined; for I do believe he +invited his brother-in-law to Richmond for no other purpose than to +pay court to his son's nurse. And one day, as I was coming post- +haste to thank him for the place he had procured for me, being +directed by Mr. Charles to the "scrubbery," as he called it, which +led down to the river--there, sure enough, I found Mr. Preston, on +his knees too, on the gravel-walk, and before him Mary, holding the +little lord. + +"Dearest creature!" says Mr. Preston, "do but listen to me, and +I'll make your husband consul at Timbuctoo! He shall never know of +it, I tell you: he CAN never know of it. I pledge you my word as +a Cabinet Minister! Oh, don't look at me in that arch way: by +heavens, your eyes kill me!" + +Mary, when she saw me, burst out laughing, and ran down the lawn; +my Lord making a huge crowing, too, and holding out his little fat +hands. Mr. Preston, who was a heavy man, was slowly getting up, +when, catching a sight of me looking as fierce as the crater of +Mount Etna,--he gave a start back and lost his footing, and rolled +over and over, walloping into the water at the garden's edge. It +was not deep, and he came bubbling and snorting out again in as +much fright as fury. + +"You d-d ungrateful villain!" says he, "what do you stand there +laughing for?" + +"I'm waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir," says I, and laughed +fit to die; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and his party, who joined us +on the lawn: and Jeames the footman came forward and helped Mr. +Preston out of the water. + +"Oh, you old sinner!" says my Lord, as his brother-in-law came up +the slope. "Will that heart of yours be always so susceptible, you +romantic, apoplectic, immoral man?" + +Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and ill-treated his +wife for a whole month afterwards. + +"At any rate," says my Lord, "Titmarsh here has got a place through +our friend's unhappy attachment; and Mrs. Titmarsh has only laughed +at him, so there is no harm there. It's an ill wind that blows +nobody good, you know." + +"Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall never +do good to me. I have learned in the past few years what it is to +make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness; and that out of +such friendship no good comes in the end to honest men. It shall +never be said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because a great man was +in love with his wife; and were the situation ten times as +valuable, I should blush every day I entered the office-doors in +thinking of the base means by which my fortune was made. You have +made me free, my Lord; and, thank God! I am willing to work. I can +easily get a clerkship with the assistance of my friends; and with +that and my wife's income, we can manage honestly to face the +world." + +This rather long speech I made with some animation; for, look you, +I was not over well pleased that his Lordship should think me +capable of speculating in any way on my wife's beauty. + +My Lord at first turned red, and looked rather angry; but at last +he held out his hand and said, "You are right, Titmarsh, and I am +wrong; and let me tell you in confidence, that I think you are a +very honest fellow. You shan't lose by your honesty, I promise +you." + +Nor did I: for I am at this present moment Lord Tiptoff's steward +and right-hand man: and am I not a happy father? and is not my +wife loved and respected by all the country? and is not Gus Hoskins +my brother-in-law, partner with his excellent father in the leather +way, and the delight of all his nephews and nieces for his tricks +and fun? + +As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman's history would fill a volume of +itself. Since he vanished from the London world, he has become +celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, +and met all sorts of changes of high and low fortune. One thing we +may at least admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted courage; +and I can't help thinking, as I have said before, that there must +be some good in him, seeing the way in which his family are +faithful to him. With respect to Roundhand, I had best also speak +tenderly. The case of Roundhand v. Tidd is still in the memory of +the public; nor can I ever understand how Bill Tidd, so poetic as +he was, could ever take on with such a fat, odious, vulgar woman as +Mrs. R., who was old enough to be his mother. + +As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapshot made +overtures to be reconciled to us; and Mr. Wapshot laid bare to me +all the baseness of Mr. Smithers's conduct in the Brough +transaction. Smithers had also endeavoured to pay his court to me, +once when I went down to Somersetshire; but I cut his pretensions +short, as I have shown. "He it was," said Mr. Wapshot, "who +induced Mrs. Grimes (Mrs. Hoggarty she was then) to purchase the +West Diddlesex shares: receiving, of course, a large bonus for +himself. But directly he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had fallen into +the hands of Mr. Brough, and that he should lose the income he made +from the lawsuits with her tenants and from the management of her +landed property, he determined to rescue her from that villain +Brough, and came to town for the purpose. He also," added Mr. +Wapshot, "vented his malignant slander against me; but Heaven was +pleased to frustrate his base schemes. In the proceedings +consequent on Brough's bankruptcy, Mr. Smithers could not appear; +for his own share in the transactions of the Company would have +been most certainly shown up. During his absence from London, I +became the husband--the happy husband--of your aunt. But though, +my dear sir, I have been the means of bringing her to grace, I +cannot disguise from you that Mrs. W. has faults which all my +pastoral care has not enabled me to eradicate. She is close of her +money, sir--very close; nor can I make that charitable use of her +property which, as a clergyman, I ought to do; for she has tied up +every shilling of it, and only allows me half-a-crown a week for +pocket-money. In temper, too, she is very violent. During the +first years of our union, I strove with her; yea, I chastised her; +but her perseverance, I must confess, got the better of me. I make +no more remonstrances, but am as a lamb in her hands, and she leads +me whithersoever she pleases." + +Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing half-a-crown from me +(it was at the Somerset Coffee-house in the Strand, where he came, +in the year 1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go from thence +into the gin-shop opposite, and come out of the gin-shop half-an- +hour afterwards, reeling across the streets, and perfectly +intoxicated. + +He died next year: when his widow, who called herself Mrs. +Hoggarty-Grimes-Wapshot, of Castle Hoggarty, said that over the +grave of her saint all earthly resentments were forgotten, and +proposed to come and live with us; paying us, of course, a handsome +remuneration. But this offer my wife and I respectfully declined; +and once more she altered her will, which once more she had made in +our favour; called us ungrateful wretches and pampered menials, and +left all her property to the Irish Hoggarties. But seeing my wife +one day in a carriage with Lady Tiptoff, and hearing that we had +been at the great ball at Tiptoff Castle, and that I had grown to +be a rich man, she changed her mind again, sent for me on her +death-bed, and left me the farms of Slopperton and Squashtail, with +all her savings for fifteen years. Peace be to her soul! for +certainly she left me a very pretty property. + +Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who +generally, when he is short of coin, comes down and passes a few +months with us) says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the +public (meaning, I suspect, to himself); and if so, I am glad to +serve him and them, and hereby take farewell: bidding all gents +who peruse this, to be cautious of their money, if they have it; to +be still more cautious of their friends' money; to remember that +great profits imply great risks; and that the great shrewd +capitalists of this country would not be content with four per +cent. for their money, if they could securely get more: above all, +I entreat them never to embark in any speculation, of which the +conduct is not perfectly clear to them, and of which the agents are +not perfectly open and loyal. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext The Great Hoggarty Diamond, by Thackeray + diff --git a/old/gthgd10.zip b/old/gthgd10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e8ec18 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gthgd10.zip |