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diff --git a/1933.txt b/1933.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..386ffc6 --- /dev/null +++ b/1933.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5412 @@ +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The History of Samuel Titmarsh, by William +Makepeace Thackeray + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The History of Samuel Titmarsh + and the Great Hoggarty Diamond + + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + + + +Release Date: February 23, 2006 [eBook #1933] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH*** + + + + + + +Transcribed from the 1911 John Murray edition by David Price, email +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH +AND THE +THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND + + +LONDON +JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE STREET, W. +1911 + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE DIAMOND + +When I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made me a +present of a diamond-pin; that is to say, it was not a diamond-pin then, +but a large old-fashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture in the year 1795, +which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the Lord Lieutenant's balls +and elsewhere. He wore it, he said, at the battle of Vinegar Hill, when +his club pigtail saved his head from being taken off,--but that is +neither here nor there. + +In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of the +corps of Fencibles to which he belonged; around it were thirteen locks of +hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters that the old gentleman had; +and, as all these little ringlets partook of the family hue of brilliant +auburn, Hoggarty's portrait seemed to the fanciful view like a great fat +red round of beef surrounded by thirteen carrots. These were dished up +on a plate of blue enamel, and it was from the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND (as +we called it in the family) that the collection of hairs in question +seemed as it were to spring. + +My aunt, I need not say, is rich; and I thought I might be her heir as +well as another. During my month's holiday, she was particularly pleased +with me; made me drink tea with her often (though there was a certain +person in the village with whom on those golden summer evenings I should +have liked to have taken a stroll in the hayfields); promised every time +I drank her bohea to do something handsome for me when I went back to +town,--nay, three or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist +or cribbage afterwards. I did not care for the cards; for though we +always played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings +were never more than nineteenpence a night: but there was some infernal +sour black-currant wine, that the old lady always produced at dinner, and +with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I dared not refuse; though upon +my word and honour it made me very unwell. + +Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my aunt's +repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make me a present of +a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the drawer); and so +convinced was I that some such present was intended for me, that a young +lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, with whom I had conversed on the +subject, actually netted me a little green silk purse, which she gave me +(behind Hicks's hayrick, as you turn to the right up Churchyard +Lane)--which she gave me, I say, wrapped up in a bit of silver paper. +There was something in the purse, too, if the truth must be known. First +there was a thick curl of the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in +your life, and next there was threepence: that is to say, the half of a +silver sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I +knew where the other half of the sixpence was, and envied that happy bit +of silver! + +The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to Mrs. +Hoggarty. My aunt was excessively gracious; and by way of a treat +brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of which she made +me drink the greater part. At night when all the ladies assembled at her +party had gone off with their pattens and their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who +had made a signal to me to stay, first blew out three of the wax candles +in the drawing-room, and taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlocked +her escritoire. + +I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite +unconcerned. + +"Sam my dear," said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, "take another +glass of Rosolio" (that was the name by which she baptised the cursed +beverage): "it will do you good." I took it, and you might have seen my +hand tremble as the bottle went click--click against the glass. By the +time I had swallowed it, the old lady had finished her operations at the +bureau, and was coming towards me, the wax-candle bobbing in one hand and +a large parcel in the other. + +"Now's the time," thought I. + +"Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you received from +your sainted uncle, my blessed husband; and of all my nephews and nieces, +you are the one whose conduct in life has most pleased me." + +When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married sisters, +that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and mothers of numerous +children, I must say that the compliment my aunt paid me was a very +handsome one. + +"Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, "I have often heard you +say there were seventy-three of us in all, and believe me I do think your +high opinion of me very complimentary indeed: I'm unworthy of it--indeed +I am." + +"As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather sharply, "don't +speak of them, I hate them, and every one of their mothers" (the fact is, +there had been a lawsuit about Hoggarty's property); "but of all my other +kindred, you, Samuel, have been the most dutiful and affectionate to me. +Your employers in London give the best accounts of your regularity and +good conduct. Though you have had eighty pounds a year (a liberal +salary), you have not spent a shilling more than your income, as other +young men would; and you have devoted your month's holidays to your old +aunt, who, I assure you, is grateful." + +"Oh, ma'am!" said I. It was all that I could utter. + +"Samuel," continued she, "I promised you a present, and here it is. I +first thought of giving you money; but you are a regular lad; and don't +want it. You are above money, dear Samuel. I give you what I value most +in life--the p,--the po, the po-ortrait of my sainted Hoggarty" (tears), +"set in the locket which contains the valuable diamond that you have +often heard me speak of. Wear it, dear Sam, for my sake; and think of +that angel in heaven, and of your dear Aunt Susy." + +She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the lid of a +shaving-box: and I should as soon have thought of wearing it as of +wearing a cocked-hat and pigtail. I was so disgusted and disappointed +that I really could not get out a single word. + +When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket out of +the bit of paper (the locket indeed! it was as big as a barndoor +padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. "Thank you, Aunt," said I, +with admirable raillery. "I shall always value this present for the sake +of you, who gave it me; and it will recall to me my uncle, and my +thirteen aunts in Ireland." + +"I don't want you to wear it in _that_ way!" shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty, +"with the hair of those odious carroty women. You must have their hair +removed." + +"Then the locket will be spoiled, Aunt." + +"Well, sir, never mind the locket; have it set afresh." + +"Or suppose," said I, "I put aside the setting altogether: it is a little +too large for the present fashion; and have the portrait of my uncle +framed and placed over my chimney-piece, next to yours. It's a sweet +miniature." + +"That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty, solemnly, "was the great Mulcahy's +_chef-d'oeuvre_" (pronounced _shy dewver_, a favourite word of my aunt's; +being, with the words _bongtong_ and _ally mode de Parry_, the extent of +her French vocabulary). "You know the dreadful story of that poor poor +artist. When he had finished that wonderful likeness for the late Mrs. +Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at the +Lord Lieutenant's ball, where she played a game of piquet with the +Commander-in-Chief. What could have made her put the hair of her vulgar +daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't think; but so it was, as you see +it this day. 'Madam,' says the Commander-in-Chief, 'if that is not my +friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a Dutchman!' Those were his Lordship's very +words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty took off the brooch and showed +it to him. + +"'Who is the artist?' says my Lord. 'It's the most wonderful likeness I +ever saw in my life!' + +"'Mulcahy,' says she, 'of Ormond's Quay.' + +"'Begad, I patronise him!' says my Lord; but presently his face darkened, +and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied air. 'There is one +fault in that portrait,' said his Lordship, who was a rigid +disciplinarian; 'and I wonder that my friend Mick, as a military man, +should have overlooked it.' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty. + +"'Madam, he has been painted WITHOUT HIS SWORD-BELT!' And he took up the +cards again in a passion, and finished the game without saying a single +word. + +"The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that unfortunate +artist _went mad immediately_! He had set his whole reputation upon this +miniature, and declared that it should be faultless. Such was the effect +of the announcement upon his susceptible heart! When Mrs. Hoggarty died, +your uncle took the portrait and always wore it himself. His sisters +said it was for the sake of the diamond; whereas, ungrateful things! it +was merely on account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As +for the poor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use of +spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I don't believe it. Take +another glass of Rosolio." + +The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good-humour, and +she promised at the end of it to pay for the new setting of the diamond; +desiring me to take it on my arrival in London to the great jeweller, Mr. +Polonius, and send her the bill. "The fact is," said she, "that the gold +in which the thing is set is worth five guineas at the very least, and +you can have the diamond reset for two. However, keep the remainder, +dear Sam, and buy yourself what you please with it." + +With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking twelve as I +walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy always took an hour in +the telling, and I went away not quite so downhearted as when the present +was first made to me. "After all," thought I, "a diamond-pin is a +handsome thing, and will give me a _distingue_ air, though my clothes be +never so shabby"--and shabby they were without any doubt. "Well," I +said, "three guineas, which I shall have over, will buy me a couple of +pairs of what-d'ye-call-'ems;" of which, _entre nous_, I was in great +want, having just then done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made a +good eighteen months before. + +Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets; I had +poor Mary's purse there, having removed the little things which she gave +me the day before, and placed them--never mind where: but look you, in +those days I had a heart, and a warm one too. I had Mary's purse ready +for my aunt's donation, which never came, and with my own little stock of +money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's card parties had lessened by a good +five-and-twenty shillings, I calculated that, after paying my fare, I +should get to town with a couple of seven-shilling pieces in my pocket. + +I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace; so quick that, if the +thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o'clock that had +passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. H.'s long +stories over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at ten I had an +appointment under a certain person's window, who was to have been looking +at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled nightcap on, and her +blessed hair in papers. + +There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it; and though +I hemmed and hawed, and whistled over the garden paling, and sang a song +of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a pebble at the window, +which hit it exactly at the opening of the lattice,--I woke no one except +a great brute of a house-dog, that yelled, and howled, and bounced so at +me over the rails, that I thought every moment he would have had my nose +between his teeth. + +So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be; and the next morning +Mamma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and at five came the +"True Blue" light six-inside post-coach to London, and I got up on the +roof without having seen Mary Smith. + +As we passed the house, it _did_ seem as if the window curtain in her +room was drawn aside just a little bit. Certainly the window was open, +and it had been shut the night before: but away went the coach; and the +village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks's hayricks were soon out +of sight. + +* * * * * + +"My hi, what a pin!" said a stable-boy, who was smoking a cigar, to the +guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his nose. + +The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party; and being +uneasy in mind and having all my clothes to pack up, and thinking of +something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty's brooch, which I had +stuck into my shirt-frill the night before. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL +EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END + +The circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of years +ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was a great mania in the +City of London for establishing companies of all sorts; by which many +people made pretty fortunes. + +I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk of +twenty-four young gents who did the immense business of the Independent +West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at their splendid stone +mansion in Cornhill. Mamma had sunk a sum of four hundred pounds in the +purchase of an annuity at this office, which paid her no less than six- +and-thirty pounds a year, when no other company in London would give her +more than twenty-four. The chairman of the directors was the great Mr. +Brough, of the house of Brough and Hoff, Crutched Friars, Turkey +Merchants. It was a new house, but did a tremendous business in the fig +and sponge way, and more in the Zante currant line than any other firm in +the City. + +Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw his +name for hundreds at the head of every charitable society patronised by +those good people. He had nine clerks residing at his office in Crutched +Friars; he would not take one without a certificate from the schoolmaster +and clergyman of his native place, strongly vouching for his morals and +doctrine; and the places were so run after, that he got a premium of four +or five hundred pounds with each young gent, whom he made to slave for +ten hours a day, and to whom in compensation he taught all the mysteries +of the Turkish business. He was a great man on 'Change, too; and our +young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks (we commonly dined +together at the "Cock and Woolpack," a respectable house, where you get a +capital cut of meat, bread, vegetables, cheese, half a pint of porter, +and a penny to the waiter, for a shilling)--the young stockbrokers used +to tell us of immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that +Brough made. Hoff had nothing to do with them, but stopped at home +minding exclusively the business of the house. He was a young chap, very +quiet and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been taken into +partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty thousand pounds: and a very +good bargain too. I was told in the strictest confidence that the house +one year with another divided a good seven thousand pounds: of which +Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, and the other sixth went to old Tudlow, +who had been Mr. Brough's clerk before the new partnership began. Tudlow +always went about very shabby, and we thought him an old miser. One of +our gents, Bob Swinney by name, used to say that Tudlow's share was all +nonsense, and that Brough had it all; but Bob was always too knowing by +half, used to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his free admission to +Covent Garden Theatre. He was always talking down at the shop, as we +called it (it wasn't a shop, but as splendid an office as any in +Cornhill)--he was always talking about Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing + + "The bramble, the bramble, + The jolly jolly bramble!" + +one of Charles Kemble's famous songs in "Maid Marian;" a play that was +all the rage then, taken from a famous story-book by one Peacock, a clerk +in the India House; and a precious good place he has too. + +When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his admission to +the theatre, he came one day down to the office where we all were, four- +and-twenty of us, and made one of the most beautiful speeches I ever +heard in my life. He said that for slander he did not care, contumely +was the lot of every public man who had austere principles of his own, +and acted by them austerely; but what he _did_ care for was the character +of every single gentleman forming a part of the Independent West +Diddlesex Association. The welfare of thousands was in their keeping; +millions of money were daily passing through their hands; the City--the +country looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example. And if he +found amongst those whom he considered as his children--those whom he +loved as his own flesh and blood--that that order was departed from, that +that regularity was not maintained, that that good example was not kept +up (Mr. B. always spoke in this emphatic way)--if he found his children +departing from the wholesome rules of morality, religion, and decorum--if +he found in high or low--in the head clerk at six hundred a year down to +the porter who cleaned the steps--if he found the slightest taint of +dissipation, he would cast the offender from him--yea, though he were his +own son, he would cast him from him! + +As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn't know +what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips: all except +Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to whistle. When Mr. B. +had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he turned round; and oh, how my +heart thumped as he looked me full in the face! How it was relieved, +though, when he shouted out in a thundering voice-- + +"Mr. ROBERT SWINNEY!" + +"Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the chaps +began to titter. + +"Mr. SWINNEY!" roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before, "when +you came into this office--this family, sir, for such it is, as I am +proud to say--you found three-and-twenty as pious and well-regulated +young men as ever laboured together--as ever had confided to them the +wealth of this mighty capital and famous empire. You found, sir, +sobriety, regularity, and decorum; no profane songs were uttered in this +place sacred to--to business; no slanders were whispered against the +heads of the establishment--but over them I pass: I can afford, sir, to +pass them by--no worldly conversation or foul jesting disturbed the +attention of these gentlemen, or desecrated the peaceful scene of their +labours. You found Christians and gentlemen, sir!" + +"I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. "Didn't my governor +take sha-?" + +"Silence, sir! Your worthy father did take shares in this establishment, +which will yield him one day an immense profit. He _did_ take shares, +sir, or you never would have been here. I glory in saying that every one +of my young friends around me has a father, a brother, a dear relative or +friend, who is connected in a similar way with our glorious enterprise; +and that not one of them is there but has an interest in procuring, at a +liberal commission, other persons to join the ranks of our Association. +_But_, sir, I am its chief. You will find, sir, your appointment signed +by me; and in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, +sir!--leave us--quit a family that can no longer receive you in its +bosom! Mr. Swinney, I have wept--I have prayed, sir, before I came to +this determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. _Depart +from out of us_! + +"Not without three months' salary, though, Mr. B.: that cock won't +fight!" + +"They shall be paid to your father, sir." + +"My father be hanged! I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age; and if you +don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest you,--by Jingo, I will! I'll have +you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney!" + +"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of this +perverted young man." + +"Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp!" cried out +that audacious Swinney. "There it is, sir, _re_-ceipted. You needn't +cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like a glass of punch +this evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your man, and nothing to +pay. If Mr. Brough _would_ do me the honour to come in and take a whack? +Come, don't say no, if you'd rather not!" + +We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing like mad. + +"Leave the room!" yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite blue; +and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled away with his +"tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When he was gone, Mr. +Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all determined to profit; and +going up to Roundhand's desk put his arm round his neck, and looked over +the ledger. + +"What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand?" he said, in a very kind +way. + +"The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four ten and +six--say 904_l_. 10_s_. 6_d_. Captain Sparr, sir, paid his shares up; +grumbles, though, and says he's no more: fifty shares, two +instalments--three fifties, sir." + +"He's always grumbling!" + +"He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our dividend +day." + +"Any more?" + +Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen hundred +pounds in all. We were doing a famous business now; though when I came +into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, and read the +newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a stray customer +came. Brough never cared about our laughing and singing _then_, and was +hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was in early times, before we +were well in harness. + +"Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. Bravo, +Roundhand--bravo, gentlemen! Remember, every share you bring in brings +you five per cent. down on the nail! Look to your friends--stick to your +desks--be regular--I hope none of you forget church. Who takes Mr. +Swinney's place?" + +"Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir: you are now +twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is consequently +increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy mother, sir--your dear +and excellent parent? In good health I trust? And long--long, I +fervently pray, may this office continue to pay her annuity! Remember, +if she has more money to lay out, there is higher interest than the last +for her, for she is a year older; and five per cent. for you, my boy! Why +not you as well as another? Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound +note does no harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego?" + +"Oh, no!" says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap that +informed against Swinney; and he began to laugh, as indeed we all did +whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not that they _were_ +jokes; only we used to know it by his face. + +"Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business. Mrs. +Brough wants to know why the deuce you never come down to Fulham." + +"Law, that's very polite!" said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased. + +"Name your day, my boy! Say Saturday, and bring your night-cap with +you." + +"You're very polite, I'm sure. I should be delighted beyond anything, +but--" + +"But--no buts, my boy! Hark ye! the Chancellor of the Exchequer does me +the honour to dine with us, and I want you to see him; for the truth is, +I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best actuary in the three +kingdoms." + +Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as _that_, though he had +told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and Sunday at +Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, were sure that +the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady when she heard what +was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough very much, that was the fact; +because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said she didn't know where +Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs. Roundhand. Though, to be +sure, her coachman might have found out the way. + +"And oh, Roundhand!" continued our governor, "draw a cheque for seven +hundred, will you! Come, don't stare, man; I'm not going to run away! +That's right,--seven hundred--and ninety, say, while you're about it! Our +board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll account for it to them +before I drive you down. We shall take up the Chancellor at Whitehall." + +So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with Mr. +Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-and-four (he always drove +four horses even in the City, where it's so difficult), which was waiting +at the office-door for him. + +Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the Company; +but there was never believing half of what that Bob said, he used to +laugh and joke so. I don't know how it was, but I and a gent by the name +of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together with me in Salisbury +Square, Fleet Street--where we occupied a very genteel two-pair--found +our flute duet rather tiresome that evening, and as it was a very fine +night, strolled out for a walk West End way. When we arrived opposite +Covent Garden Theatre we found ourselves close to the "Globe Tavern," and +recollected Bob Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied that +he had meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look +in: at any rate there could be no harm in doing so. + +There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would be, +we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a great smoke of +cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and banging away at the table +with the bottoms of their glasses. + +What a shout they made as we came in! "Hurray!" says Bob, "here's two +more! Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, two more hot waters, and +two more goes of gin! Who would have thought of seeing Tit, in the name +of goodness?" + +"Why," said I, "we only came in by the merest chance." + +At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a positive +fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by chance! However, +chance gave us a very jovial night; and that hospitable Bob Swinney paid +every shilling of the score. + +"Gentlemen!" says he, as he paid the bill, "I'll give you the health of +John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present of 21_l_. 5_s_. +which he made me this morning. What do I say--21_l_. 5_s_.? That and a +month's salary that I should have had to pay--forfeit--down on the nail, +by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I intended to do to-morrow morning. +I've got a place--a tip-top place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six +journeys a year, my own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of +England in oil and spermaceti. Here's confusion to gas, and the health +of Messrs. Gann and Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London!" + +I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex Insurance +Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though the real names +are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, as you may be sure), +because the fate of me and my diamond pin was mysteriously bound up with +both: as I am about to show. + +You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the West +Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of them; had +received a classical education; and especially because I had a rich aunt, +Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I used to boast a good +deal. There is no harm in being respected in this world, as I have found +out; and if you don't brag a little for yourself, depend on it there is +no person of your acquaintance who will tell the world of your merits, +and take the trouble off your hands. + +So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and took +my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that looks into +Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that Mrs. Hoggarty, +though she had not given me a large sum of money, as I expected--indeed, +I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the river, should the +promised riches have come to me--I let them know, I say, that though my +aunt had not given me any money, she had given me a splendid diamond, +worth at least thirty guineas, and that some day I would sport it at the +shop. + +"Oh, let's see it!" says Abednego, whose father was a mock-jewel and gold- +lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised that he should have a sight +of it as soon as it was set. As my pocket-money was run out too (by +coach-hire to and from home, five shillings to our maid at home, ten to +my aunt's maid and man, five-and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I +said, and fifteen-and-six paid for a silver scissors for the dear little +fingers of Somebody), Roundhand, who was very good-natured, asked me to +dine, and advanced me 7_l_. 1_s_. 8_d_., a month's salary. It was at +Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of veal +and bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his wife ill- +treated him; as I have told before. Poor fellow!--we under-clerks all +thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by oneself, and have 50_l_. +per month, as Roundhand had; but I've a notion that Hoskins and I, +blowing duets on the flute together in our second floor in Salisbury +Square, were a great deal more at ease than our head--and more _in +harmony_, too; though we made sad work of the music, certainly. + +One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at three +o'clock, as we had _particular business_ at the West End. He knew it was +about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us permission; so off we set. +When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus got a cigar, to give himself as it +were a _distingue_ air, and pulled at it all the way up the Lane, and +through the alleys into Coventry Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is, as +everybody knows. + +The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were drawing +up and setting down. Gus kept his hands in his pockets--trousers were +worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon-holes for your boots, +or Bluchers, to come through (the fashionables wore boots, but we chaps +in the City, on 80_l_. a year, contented ourselves with Bluchers); and as +Gus stretched out his pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and +kept blowing away at his cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his +boots, and had very large whiskers for so young a man, he really looked +quite the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of +consideration. + +He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the gold +pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in; and after a little +hemming and hawing--for I had never been at such a fashionable place +before--asked one of the gentlemen to let me speak to Mr. Polonius. + +"What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing close +by, as it happened, serving three ladies,--a very old one and two young +ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very attentively. + +"Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, "this jewel has, +I believe, been in your house before: it belonged to my aunt, Mrs. +Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing near looked round +as I spoke. + +"I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year 1795," said +Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect everything; "and a silver +punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the Major--Colonel--General--eh, +sir?" + +"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say"--though I was quite proud that +this man of fashion should address me so.--"Mr. Hoggarty is--no more. My +aunt has made me a present, however, of this--this trinket--which, as you +see, contains her husband's portrait, that I will thank you, sir, to +preserve for me very carefully; and she wishes that you would set this +diamond neatly." + +"Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir." + +"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her. There +is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, of course, you will +make an allowance." + +"To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, and +looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful piece of goods, certainly," said +he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit, certainly. Do, my Lady, +look at it. The thing is of Irish manufacture, bears the stamp of '95, +and will recall perhaps the times of your Ladyship's earliest youth." + +"Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!" said the old lady, a little wizen-faced old +lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. "How _dar_ +you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me? Wasn't I fifty +years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96?" She put out a pair of +withered trembling hands, took up the locket, examined it for a minute, +and then burst out laughing: "As I live, it's the great Hoggarty +diamond!" + +Good heavens! what was this talisman that had come into my possession? + +"Look, girls," continued the old lady: "this is the great jew'l of all +Ireland. This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick Hoggarty, a +cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year '84, when I had just +lost your poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen sthreamers of red hair +represent his thirteen celebrated sisters,--Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy +(short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy, Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, +Nell, and Bell--all married, all ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of +which are you the son, young man?--though, to do you justice, you're not +like the family." + +Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at me, and +waited for an answer: which they would have had, only the old lady began +rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen ladies above named, and +all their lovers, all their disappointments, and all the duels of Mick +Hoggarty. She was a chronicle of fifty-years-old scandal. At last she +was interrupted by a violent fit of coughing; at the conclusion of which +Mr. Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin, and +whether I would like the hair kept. + +"No," says I, "never mind the hair." + +"And the pin, sir?" + +I had felt ashamed about telling my address: "But, bang it!" thought I, +"why _should_ I?-- + + 'A king can make a belted knight, + A marquess, duke, and a' that; + An honest man's abune his might-- + Gude faith, he canna fa' that.' + +Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live?" + +"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to Mr. +Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near St. Bride's Church, +Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the two-pair bell." + +"_What_, sir?" said Mr. Polonius. + +"_Hwat_!" shrieked the old lady. "Mr. Hwat? Mais, ma chere, c'est +impayable. Come along--here's the carr'age! Give me your arm, Mr. Hwat, +and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts." + +She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as possible; +the young ladies following her, laughing. + +"Now, jump in, do you hear?" said she, poking her sharp nose out of the +window. + +"I can't, ma'am," says I; "I have a friend." + +"Pooh, pooh! send 'um to the juice, and jump in!" And before almost I +could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow-plush breeches pushed +me up the steps and banged the door to. + +I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, and +never shall forget his figure. There stood Gus, his mouth wide open, his +eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering with all his might +at the strange thing that had just happened to me. + +"Who _is_ that Titmarsh?" says Gus: "there's a coronet on the carriage, +by Jingo!" + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT, +AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK + +I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young lady, +about my dear Mary's age--that is to say, seventeen and three-quarters; +and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other +grand-daughter--handsome too, but ten years older. I recollect I had on +that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a white sprig +waist-coat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just come in in the +year '22, and looked a great deal more glossy than the best beaver. + +"And who was that hidjus manster"--that was the way her Ladyship +pronounced,--"that ojous vulgar wretch, with the iron heels to his boots, +and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck-chain, who _steered_ at +us so as we got into the carriage?" + +How she should have known that Gus's chain was mosaic I can't tell; but +so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and sixpence only the +week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's Churchyard. But I did not like +to hear my friend abused, and so spoke out for him-- + +"Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins. We +live together; and a better or more kind-hearted fellow does not exist." + +"You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the second +lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom the grandmamma +called Lady Jene. + +"Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like sper't in +a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it? I know, my dears, all the +Hoskinses in England. There are the Lincolnshire Hoskinses, the +Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral's daughter, Bell, was in love +with a black footman, or boatswain, or some such thing; but the world's +so censorious. There's old Doctor Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor +dear Drum in the quinsy; and poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty +General: I remember him as thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active +as a harlequin, and in love with me--oh, how he was in love with me!" + +"You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, Grandmamma?" said +Lady Jane. + +"Hundreds, my dear,--hundreds of thousands. I was the toast of Bath, and +a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought it now, upon your +conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d'ye-call-'im?" + +"Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was as ugly +as possible; and at my saying this the two young ladies began screaming +with laughter, and I saw the two great-whiskered footmen grinning over +the back of the carriage. + +"Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name--mighty candid +indeed; but I like candour in young people. But a beauty I was. Just +ask your friend's uncle the General. He's one of the Lincolnshire +Hoskinses--I knew he was by the strong family likeness. Is he the eldest +son? It's a pretty property, though sadly encumbered; for old Sir George +was the divvle of a man--a friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and +those horrid, monstrous, ojous people! How much will he have now, +mister, when the Admiral dies?" + +"Why, ma'am, I can't say; but the Admiral is not my friend's father." + +"Not his father?--but he _is_, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. Who is +his father, then?" + +"Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow Hill,--a +very respectable house, ma'am. But Gus is only third son, and so can't +expect a great share in the property." + +The two young ladies smiled at this--the old lady said, "Hwat?" + +"I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, "for not being ashamed of your +friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall we have the pleasure +of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +"Noways particular, my Lady," says I. "We have a holiday at our office +to-day--at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave; and I shall be very +happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's no offence." + +"I'm sure it will give us--infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane; though +rather in a grave way. + +"Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: "won't it, +Grandmamma? And after we have been in the Park, we can walk in +Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to accompany us." + +"Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane. + +"Indeed, but we will though!" shrieked out Lady Drum. "Ain't I dying to +know everything about his uncle and thirteen aunts? and you're all +chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed syllable will you +allow me or my young friend here to speak." + +Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single word +more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I may be allowed +so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, and giggled, and +seemed quite to enjoy her sister's ill-humour. And the Countess began at +once, and entered into the history of the thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which +was not near finished when we entered the Park. + +When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horseback came to +the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their joke for Lady +Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow for Lady Jane; +and, the young ones especially, their compliment for Lady Fanny. + +Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny seemed +to be thinking of something else; for she kept her head out of the +carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she expected to see +somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, _I_ knew what it meant when a young pretty +lady like you was absent, and on the look-out, and only half answered the +questions put to her. Let alone Sam Titmarsh--he knows what Somebody +means as well as another, I warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going on, +I could not help just giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I +knew what was what. "I guess the young lady is looking for Somebody," +says I. It was then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she +blushed as red as scarlet; but, after a minute, the good-natured little +thing looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their +handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughing--laughing as if I had +said the funniest thing in the world. + +"Il est charmant, votre monsieur," said Lady Jane to her grandmamma; and +on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous me faites beaucoup d'honneur:" +for I know the French language, and was pleased to find that these good +ladies had taken a liking to me. "I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used +to London society, and do really feel it quite kind of you to take me by +the hand so, and give me a drive in your fine carriage." + +At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a tuft +to his chin, came riding up to the carriage; and I knew by a little start +that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking round the other way, +that _Somebody_ was come at last. + +"Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant! I have just been +riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love of the beautiful +Countess of Drum in the year--never mind the year." + +"Was it Killblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm quite +ready to go off with him this minute. Or was it that delight of an old +bishop? He's got a lock of my hair now--I gave it him when he was Papa's +chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard matter to find another +now in the same place." + +"Law, my Lady!" says I, "you don't say so?" + +"But indeed I do, my good sir," says she; "for between ourselves, my +head's as bare as a cannon-ball--ask Fanny if it isn't. Such a fright as +the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me suddenly in my +dressing-room without my wig!" + +"I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said "Somebody," +looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a mind to swallow me. +And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was, "Pretty +well, I thank you, my Lord;" and she said this with as much fluttering +and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at school--when we hadn't +learned it. + +My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered something +about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's carriage, as he was +tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered something, too, about "a +friend of Grandmamma's." + +"You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane: "I am sure we +should never have come to the Park if Fanny had not insisted upon +bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce the Earl of Tiptoff to +Mr. Titmarsh." But, instead of taking off his hat, as I did mine, his +Lordship growled out that he hoped for another opportunity, and galloped +off again on his black horse. Why the deuce I should have offended him I +never could understand. + +But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; for +who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund Preston, one +of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I know very well by the almanac +in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane. + +The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat pale- +faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air. "Who the +devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both at me and her. + +"Oh, it's a friend of Grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at once, +looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at her sister--who in +her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked imploringly at her sister, +and never dared to breathe a syllable. "Yes, indeed," continued Lady +Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of Grandmamma's by the mother's side: by +the Hoggarty side. Didn't you know the Hoggarties when you were in +Ireland, Edmund, with Lord Bagwig? Let me introduce you to Grandmamma's +cousin, Mr. Titmarsh: Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston." + +There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as hard +as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice; and I, who +had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded as could be. But +I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well as that sly minx her +grand-daughter did; for the old lady, who had just before called poor Gus +Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, the mania of fancying all the world +related to her, and said-- + +"Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty's +grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer were related, +as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady, married an own +cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift--that was no relation of the +Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family--and isn't _that_ clear?" + +"Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the right +honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly. + +"And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?--the thirteen red-haired +girls--the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy used to call them. +Poor Clan!--a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and sadly in love +with me he was too. Not remember them _all_ now, Edmund?--not +remember?--not remember Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and Widdy, and Mysie +and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly and the rest?" + +"D--- the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent; and he +said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden lash out that +well nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane screamed; Lady Fanny +laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she did not care twopence, and said +"Serve you right for swearing, you ojous man you!" + +"Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund--Mr. Preston?" cried +out the lady, anxiously. + +"Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I. + +"Pooh--pooh! don't stir," said Lady Drum: "it's my carriage; and if Mr. +Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous vulgar +way--in that ojous vulgar way I repeat--I don't see why my friends should +be inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky if he likes, or come +in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear that my Lady Drum hated her +grandson-in-law heartily; and I've remarked somehow in families that this +kind of hatred is by no means uncommon. + +Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to tell the +truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to get away from +the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked still paler than +before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he dismounted from the cob +and gave the reins to his servant. I disliked the looks of the chap--of +the master, I mean--at the first moment he came up, when he spoke rudely +to that nice gentle wife of his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, +as the adventure of the cob showed him to be. Heaven bless you! a baby +could have ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at +the very first kick. + +"Oh, quick! _do_ come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the +carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he came in, +he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I warrant you I +wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue cried out, "Oh, no! by +no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door, Thomas. And oh! what fun it will +be to show all the world a Secretary of State riding bodkin!" + +And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you! + +"Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady Jane, +timidly. + +"Oh no! Pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very comfortable; and +so I hope is this Mr.--this gentleman." + +"Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to offer to ride your +horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at it; but the +fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I _couldn't_ move." + +Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!--how her little eyes +twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up! I couldn't help +speaking, for, look you, my blood was up. + +"We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says she; +and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, and sneezed +with the air of a lord. + +"As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane +Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner?" says Mr. Preston, +quite blue with rage. + +"I invited him into my carriage," says the old lady; "and as we are going +to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be very happy +to see him there." + +"I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I. + +"Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says Right Honourable Ned, still glowering at +his wife. "What a pity that this gentleman--I forget his name--that your +friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! I am sure you would have had such +gratification in meeting your relation in Whitehall." + +Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure; but this +speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much. "Now, Sam," says +I, "be a man and show your spirit!" So I spoke up at once, and said, +"Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so _very_ pressing, I'll +give up my engagement, and shall have sincere pleasure in cutting mutton +with him. What's your hour, sir?" + +He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; for, you see, +I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a lesson of +manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear people cry out how +vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask three times for cheese, and +such like points of ceremony, there's something, I think, much more +vulgar than all this, and that is, insolence to one's inferiors. I hate +the chap that uses it, as I scorn him of humble rank that affects to be +of the fashion; and so I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my +mind. + +When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as +politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking hold of +Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies and the two +big servants--upon my word I did--"Sir," says I, "this kind old lady +asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to please her, not myself. +When you came up and asked who the devil I was, I thought you might have +put the question in a more polite manner; but it wasn't my business to +speak. When, by way of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I +would answer in a joke too, and here I am. But don't be frightened; I'm +not a-going to dine with you: only if you play the same joke upon other +parties--on some of the chaps in our office, for example--I recommend you +to have a care, or they will _take you at your word_." + +"Is that all, sir?" says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. "If you have +done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you out? Turn +out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from me, and flung +into his study in a rage. + +"He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" said +Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder grand-daughter's arm, "and I hate +him; and so come away, for the dinner'll be getting cold:" and she was +for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado. But that kind lady, coming +forward, looking very pale and trembling, said, "Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope +you'll not be angry--that is, that you'll forget what has happened, for, +believe me, it has given me very great--" + +Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes filled +with tears; and Lady Drum crying out "Tut, tut! none of this nonsense," +pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. But little Lady Fanny +walked boldly up to me, and held me out her little hand, and gave mine +such a squeeze and said, "Good-bye, my dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very +kindly, that I'm blest if I did not blush up to the ears, and all the +blood in my body began to tingle. + +So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out of the +hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a lion; and all +I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning footmen should say or +do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might have the +pleasure of knocking him down, with my best compliments to his master. +But neither of them did me any such favour! and I went away and dined at +home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully. + +I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, is +rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the particulars of the +family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and so just +said that the old lady--("They were the Drum arms," says Gus; "for I went +and looked them out that minute in the 'Peerage'")--that the old lady +turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in +the Park. Next day we went to the office as usual, when you may be sure +that Hoskins told everything of what had happened, and a great deal more; +and somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the matter, +I must confess that I _was_ rather pleased that the gents in our office +should hear of a part of my adventure. + +But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. Stokes +the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master Bob Stokes her +son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles on St. +Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square),--when I found them all bustling +and tumbling up the steps before me to our rooms on the second floor, and +there, on the table, between our two flutes on one side, my album, Gus's +"Don Juan" and "Peerage" on the other, I saw as follows:-- + +1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my dear +Mary Smith. + +2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes. + +3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs. Stokes +said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw. + +And three cards--viz. + +DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM. +LADY FANNY RAKES. + +MR. PRESTON. +LADY JANE PRESTON. + +EARL OF TIPTOFF. + +"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor thing +spoke). "Sich a carriage--all over coronites! sich liveries--two great +footmen, with red whiskers and yellow-plush small-clothes; and inside, a +very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a young one with a great +Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great tall pale gentleman with a tuft +on his chin. + +"'Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, with +her clear voice. + +"'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the office--the West Diddlesex Fire +and Life Office, Cornhill.' + +"'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn. + +"'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a +newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets of +fruit besides. + +"'Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, 'to take these things to Mr. +Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's compliments, and +request his acceptance of them;' and then he pulled out the cards on your +table, and this letter, sealed with his Lordship's own crown." + +And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to this +day, by the way, and which runs thus:-- + + "The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to + express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able + yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's company. Lady Jane + is about to leave town immediately: she will therefore be unable to + receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season. But Lord Tiptoff + trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to accept some of the + produce of her Ladyship's garden and park; with which, perhaps, he + will entertain some of those friends in whose favour he knows so well + how to speak." + +Along with this was a little note, containing the words "Lady Drum at +home. Friday evening, June 17." And all this came to me because my aunt +Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin! + +I did not send back the venison: as why should I? Gus was for sending it +at once to Brough, our director; and the grapes and peaches to my aunt in +Somersetshire. + +"But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and half-a-dozen more of our +gents; and we'll have a merry night of it on Saturday." And a merry +night we had too; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we had plenty of +ale, and gin-punch afterwards. And Gus sat at the foot of the table, and +I at the head; and we sang songs, both comic and sentimental, and drank +toasts; and I made a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning +here, because, _entre nous_, I had quite forgotten in the morning +everything that had taken place after a certain period on the night +before. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-WEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE + +I did not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on +Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let Hoskins have +the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place,--for we all +have our little vanities, and I liked to be thought well of by my +companions. + +When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in which the +chaps looked at me; especially Abednego, who offered me a pinch out of +his gold snuff-box the very first thing. Roundhand shook me, too, warmly +by the hand, when he came round to look over my day-book, said I wrote a +capital hand (and indeed I believe I do, without any sort of flattery), +and invited me for dinner next Sunday, in Myddelton Square. "You won't +have," said he, "quite such a grand turn-out as with _your friends at the +West End_"--he said this with a particular accent--"but Amelia and I are +always happy to see a friend in our plain way,--pale sherry, old port, +and cut and come again. Hey?" + +I said I would come and bring Hoskins too. + +He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very happy to +see Hoskins; and we went accordingly at the appointed day and hour; but +though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I remarked that at dinner I +was helped first and best. I had twice as many force-meat balls as +Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty nearly all the oysters out of the +sauce-boat. Once, Roundhand was going to help Gus before me; when his +wife, who was seated at the head of the table, looking very big and +fierce in red crape and a turban, shouted out, "ANTONY!" and poor R. +dropped the plate, and blushed as red as anything. How Mrs. R. did talk +to me about the West End to be sure! She had a "Peerage," as you may be +certain, and knew everything about the Drum family in a manner that quite +astonished me. She asked me how much Lord Drum had a year; whether I +thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty thousand a +year; whether I was invited to Drum Castle; what the young ladies wore, +and if they had those odious _gigot_ sleeves which were just coming in +then; and here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of large mottled arms that she +was very proud of. + +"I say, Sam my boy!" cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. Roundhand, who +had been passing the port-wine round pretty freely, "I hope you looked to +the main chance, and put in a few shares of the West Diddlesex,--hey?" + +"Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs?" cries the +lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation. + +"No, Milly, I've emptied 'em," says R. + +"Don't Milly me, sir! and have the goodness to go down and tell Lancy my +maid" (_a look at me_) "to make the tea in the study. We have a +gentleman here who is not _used_ to Pentonville ways" (_another look_); +"but he won't mind the ways of _friends_." And here Mrs. Roundhand +heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look that was so severe, +that I declare to goodness it made me look quite foolish. As to Gus, she +never so much as spoke to him all the evening; but he consoled himself +with a great lot of muffins, and sat most of the evening (it was a cruel +hot summer) whistling and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I +think I should like to have been with them,--for it was very close in the +room with that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on the +sofa. + +"Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?" I heard +Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the girls +coming home from church. "You and me with our coats off, plenty of cold +rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a whole box of Manillas?" + +"Hush!" said Roundhand, quite eagerly; "Milly will hear." + +But Milly didn't hear: for she was occupied in telling me an immense long +story about her waltzing with the Count de Schloppenzollern at the City +ball to the Allied Sovereigns; and how the Count had great large white +moustaches; and how odd she thought it to go whirling round the room with +a great man's arm round your waist. "Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it +since our marriage--never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a +proper compliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young +ladies, of the best families in the City of London, I assure you, Mr. +Titmarsh--there was the Lord Mayor's own daughters; Alderman Dobbins's +gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great house in Baker +Street; and your humble servant, who was rather slimmer in those +days--twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on purpose, and practised +waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall at the Mansion House. He was a +splendid man, that Count Schloppenzollern!" + +"I am sure, ma'am," says I, "he had a splendid partner!" and blushed up +to my eyes when I said it. + +"Get away, you naughty creature!" says Mrs. Roundhand, giving me a great +slap: "you're all the same, you men in the West End--all deceivers. The +Count was just like you. Heigho! Before you marry, it's all honey and +compliments; when you win us, it's all coldness and indifference. Look +at Roundhand, the great baby, trying to beat down a butterfly with his +yellow bandanna! Can a man like _that_ comprehend me? can he fill the +void in my heart?" (She pronounced it without the h; but that there +should be no mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.) "Ah, no! Will +_you_ be so neglectful when _you_ marry, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, and I +fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, walking home +to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the bells were chiming +and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, and the river shining in +the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and silver. There was my dear Mary a +hundred and twenty miles off, in Somersetshire, walking home from church +along with Mr. Snorter's family, with which she came and went; and I was +listening to the talk of this great leering vulgar woman. + +I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you have +heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my chest, I tore +my fingers with the point of my new DIAMOND-PIN. Mr. Polonius had sent +it home the night before, and I sported it for the first time at +Roundhand's to dinner. + +"It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand. "I have been looking at +it all dinner-time. How rich you must be to wear such splendid things! +and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the City--you who have such +great acquaintances at the West End?" + +The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off the +sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word,--ay, and half +broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the gents in the +open air. "Gus," says I, "I feel very unwell: I wish you'd come home +with me." And Gus did not desire anything better; for he had ogled the +last girl out of the last church, and the night was beginning to fall. + +"What! already?" said Mrs. Roundhand; "there is a lobster coming up,--a +trifling refreshment; not what he's accustomed to, but--" + +I am sorry to say I nearly said, "D--- the lobster!" as Roundhand went +and whispered to her that I was ill. + +"Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing. "Recollect, Mrs. R., that he was +_at the West End_ on Thursday, asked to dine, ma'am, with the tip-top +nobs. Chaps don't dine at the West End for nothing, do they, R.? If you +play at _bowls_, you know--" + +"You must look out for _rubbers_," said Roundhand, as quick as thought. + +"Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R., looking very fierce and +angry. "Not a card shall be touched here. Are we in a Protestant land, +sir? in a Christian country?" + +"My dear, you don't understand. We were not talking of rubbers of +whist." + +"There shall be _no_ game at all in the house of a Sabbath eve," said +Mrs. Roundhand; and out she flounced from the room, without ever so much +as wishing us good-night. + +"Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened,--"do stay. She +won't come back while you're here; and I do wish you'd stay so." + +But we wouldn't: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave Gus a +lecture about spending his Sundays idly; and read out one of Blair's +sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over in bed, I could not help +thinking about the luck the pin had brought me; and it was not over yet, +as you will see in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE + +To tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it almost +the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure you it was by no means +the last thing in my thoughts. It had come home from Mr. Polonius's, as +I said, on Saturday night; and Gus and I happened to be out enjoying +ourselves, half-price, at Sadler's Wells; and perhaps we took a little +refreshment on our way back: but that has nothing to do with my story. + +On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's; and when I +took it out,--_my_, how the diamond did twinkle and glitter by the light +of our one candle! + +"I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus. "I've read +they do in--in history." + +It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the "Arabian Nights," +as I knew very well. But we put the candle out, nevertheless, to try. + +"Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place!" says Gus; +but the fact was, that there was a gas-lamp opposite our window, and I +believe that was the reason why we could see pretty well. At least in my +bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without a candle, and of which the +window looked out on a dead wall, I could not see a wink, in spite of the +Hoggarty diamond, and was obliged to grope about in the dark for a +pincushion which Somebody gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary +Smith), and in which I stuck it for the night. But, somehow, I did not +sleep much for thinking of it, and woke very early in the morning; and, +if the truth must be told, stuck it in my night-gown, like a fool, and +admired myself very much in the glass. + +Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and especially +since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, he thought I was the +finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his "West End friend" +everywhere. + +As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black satin stock +to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the frill of my best shirt, +which tore the muslin sadly, by the way. However, the diamond had its +effect on my entertainers, as we have seen; rather too much perhaps on +one of them; and next day I wore it down at the office, as Gus would make +me do; though it did not look near so well in the second day's shirt as +on the first day, when the linen was quite clear and bright with +Somersetshire washing. + +The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that +snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth clerk,--out of envy because I did +not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carum-gorum, or some such +thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, as he called it,--all except +M'Whirter, I say, were delighted with it; and Abednego himself, who ought +to know, as his father was in the line, told me the jewel was worth at +least ten poundsh, and that his governor would give me as much for it. + +"That's a proof," says Roundhand, "that Tit's diamond is worth at least +thirty." And we all laughed, and agreed it was. + +Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag paid +me, turned my head a little; and as all the chaps said I _must_ have a +black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to buy a stock +that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's in Piccadilly: for +Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, and have none of our +cheap and common East End stuff. I might have had one for sixteen and +six in Cheapside, every whit as good; but when a young lad becomes vain, +and wants to be fashionable, you see he can't help being extravagant. + +Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of venison +business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right Honourable +Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was her Ladyship's +first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me, and no worse than +before. + +Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for Rottenburgh; and +being considered one of the richest men in the City of London, used to +receive all the great people of the land at his villa at Fulham; and we +often read in the papers of the rare doings going on there. + +Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely with +making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a haunch of +venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at Roundhand's above +described, my diamond had other honours in store for me, and procured me +the honour of an invitation to the house of our director, Mr. Brough. + +Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his house +at Fulham; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought back by one +or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of the most +magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw Members of +Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and ladies without end. +There was everything and everybody of the tip-top sort; and I have heard +that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, supplied the ices, supper, and +footmen,--though of the latter Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to +serve the host of people who came to him. The party, it must be +remembered, was _Mrs_. Brough's party, not the gentleman's,--he being in +the Dissenting way, would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the +kind: but he told his City friends that his lady governed him in +everything; and it was generally observed that most of them would allow +their daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the immense +number of the nobility which our director assembled together: Mrs. +Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one of her ears to go; but, +as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her. + +Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother of an +East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited, as we knew +very well: for they had received their invitations many weeks before, and +bragged about them not a little. But two days before the ball, and after +my diamond-pin had had its due effect upon the gents at the office, +Abednego, who had been in the directors' room, came to my desk with a +great smirk, and said, "Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come +down with Roundhand to the ball on Thursday." I thought Moses was +joking,--at any rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one; for people +don't usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way; +but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and confirmed it, +saying, as he was going out of the office, "Mr. Titmarsh, you will come +down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough's party, where you will see some +relations of yours." + +"West End again!" says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly down I went, +taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself, Gutch, and me, +and for which he very generously paid eight shillings. + +There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps in +the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that came in at +the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor the ices, +fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within. The whole +description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, by a reporter +who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the way, and told it in +his journal in the most accurate manner; getting an account of the +dresses of the great people from their footmen and coachmen, when they +came to the alehouse for their porter. As for the names of the guests, +they, you may be sure, found their way to the same newspaper: and a great +laugh was had at my expense, because among the titles of the great people +mentioned my name appeared in the list of the "Honourables." Next day, +Brough advertised "a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an emerald +necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at Fulham;" though some +of our people said that no such thing was lost at all, and that Brough +only wanted to advertise the magnificence of his society; but this doubt +was raised by persons not invited, and envious no doubt. + +Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in my best +clothes, viz. my blue coat and brass buttons before mentioned, nankeen +trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, and a pair of white +gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat was of country make, very +high in the waist and short in the sleeves, and I suppose must have +looked rather odd to some of the great people assembled, for they stared +at me a great deal, and a whole crowd formed to see me dance--which I did +to the best of my power, performing all the steps accurately and with +great agility, as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country. + +And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? With no less a +person than Lady Jane Preston; who, it appears, had not gone out of town, +and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, and asked me to +dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady Fanny Rakes for our vis- +a-vis. + +You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and admired my +dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite different to the +rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who walked through the +quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and stared at my activity with +all their might. But when I have a dance I like to enjoy myself: and +Mary Smith often said I was the very best partner at our assemblies. +While we were dancing, I told Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I, had +come down three in a cab, besides the driver; and my account of our +adventures made her Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me +that I didn't go back in the same vehicle; for the driver went and +intoxicated himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head +clerk as he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch afterwards +and blacked his eye, because he said that Gutch's red waistcoat +frightened the horse. + +Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for she +said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I would +accept it; and positively, at two o'clock in the morning, there was I, +after setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to Salisbury Square in +a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps and two tall footmen, who +nearly knocked the door and the whole little street down with the noise +they made at the rapper. You should have seen Gus's head peeping out of +window in his white nightcap! He kept me up the whole night telling him +about the ball, and the great people I had seen there; and next day he +told at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries upon them. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great fat +curious man, the master of the house? Do you know he asked me if you +were not related to us? and I said, 'Oh, yes, you were.'" + +"Fanny!" says Lady Jane. + +"Well," answered the other, "did not Grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh was her +cousin?" + +"But you know that Grandmamma's memory is not very good." + +"Indeed, you're wrong, Lady Jane," says my Lord; "I think it's +prodigious." + +"Yes, but not very--not very accurate." + +"No, my Lady," says I; "for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum, said, if +you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins--" + +"Whose cause you supported so bravely," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot be, for +I know all his family: they live in Skinner Street and St. Mary Axe, and +are not--not quite so _respectable_ as _my_ relatives." + +At this they all began to laugh; and my Lord said, rather haughtily-- + +"Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your cousin than +she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson." + +"Hoskins, my Lord--and so I told Gus; but you see he is very fond of me, +and _will_ have it that I am related to Lady D.: and say what I will to +the contrary, tells the story everywhere. Though to be sure," added I +with a laugh, "it has gained me no small good in my time." So I +described to the party our dinner at Mrs. Roundhand's, which all came +from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as a connection of the +aristocracy. Then I thanked Lady Jane handsomely for her magnificent +present of fruit and venison, and told her that it had entertained a +great number of kind friends of mine, who had drunk her Ladyship's health +with the greatest gratitude. + +"_A haunch of venison_!" cried Lady Jane, quite astonished; "indeed, Mr. +Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you." + +As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and turning +her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff. + +"Why, Lady Jane," said he, "if the truth must out, the great haunch of +venison trick was one of this young lady's performing. You must know +that I had received the above-named haunch from Lord Guttlebury's park: +and knowing that Preston is not averse to Guttlebury venison, was telling +Lady Drum (in whose carriage I had a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was +not in the way), that I intended the haunch for your husband's table. +Whereupon my Lady Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and +vowed that the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a +gentleman about whose adventures on the day previous we had just been +talking--to Mr. Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny vowed, had used +most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation was due. So my Lady +Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my rooms in the Albany (you +know I am only to stay in my bachelor's quarters a month longer)--" + +"Nonsense!" says Lady Fanny. + +"--Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, extracting +thence the above-named haunch--" + +"Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the City, +where the venison was left, in company with a couple of baskets of fruit +bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself." + +"And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made Grandmamma go into Fr--into +Lord Tiptoff's rooms, and dictated out of my own mouth the letter which +he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his hideous old +housekeeper brought us--I am quite jealous of her--I pinned up the haunch +of venison in a copy of the John Bull newspaper." + +It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus and I +read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed ourselves with +laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and good-natured +Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped I would too: which +I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose to repeat the offence. + +I never had any more venison from the family; but I'll tell you _what_ I +had. About a month after came a card of "Lord and Lady Tiptoff," and a +great piece of plum-cake; of which, I am sorry to say, Gus ate a great +deal too much. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND HAD +THERE + +Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after Mrs. +Brough's grand party, our director called me up to his room at the West +Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking awhile about +business, said, "That's a very fine diamond-pin, Master Titmarsh" (he +spoke in a grave patronising way), "and I called you on purpose to speak +to you upon the subject. I do not object to seeing the young men of this +establishment well and handsomely dressed; but I know that their salaries +cannot afford ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you with a thing +of such value. You have paid for it, sir,--I trust you have paid for it; +for, of all things, my dear--dear young friend, beware of debt." + +I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about debt +and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had been asking +about it already, and how I came by it--Abednego told me so. "Why, sir," +says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told you that I had told him--" + +"Oh, ay-by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh--I do recollect--yes; +though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I have other more important +things to remember." + +"Oh, sir, in course," says I. + +"That one of the clerks _did_ say something about a pin--that one of the +other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, was it?" + +"It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty," +said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud of Castle Hoggarty. + +"She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh?" + +"Why, thank you, sir," says I, "she is pretty well off. Four hundred a +year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir; three houses at Squashtail; and +three thousand two hundred loose cash at the banker's, as I happen to +know, sir,--_that's all_." + +I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in +Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's agent in Ireland, wrote to say +that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just been paid +off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. Ireland was in a very +disturbed state in those days; and my aunt wisely determined not to +invest her money in that country any more, but to look out for some good +security in England. However, as she had always received six per cent. +in Ireland, she would not hear of a smaller interest; and had warned me, +as I was a commercial man, on coming to town, to look out for some means +by which she could invest her money at that rate at least. + +"And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so accurately?" +said Mr. Brough; upon which I told him. + +"Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West +Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as to the +manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her about the +Company which you have the honour to serve? Do you mean, sir, that you, +knowing there was a bonus of five per cent. for yourself upon shares +taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join us?" + +"Sir," says I, "I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from my own +relation." + +"Honest I know you are, my boy--give me your hand! So am I honest--so is +every man in this Company honest; but we must be prudent as well. We +have five millions of capital on our books, as you see--five _bona fide_ +millions of _bona fide_ sovereigns paid up, sir,--there is no dishonesty +there. But why should we not have twenty millions--a hundred millions? +Why should not this be the greatest commercial Association in the +world?--as it shall be, sir,--it shall, as sure as my name is John +Brough, if Heaven bless my honest endeavours to establish it! But do you +suppose that it can be so, unless every man among us use his utmost +exertions to forward the success of the enterprise? Never, sir,--never; +and, for me, I say so everywhere. I glory in what I do. There is not a +house in which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex. +There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to some +amount. My servants, sir,--my very servants and grooms, are bound up +with it. And the first question I ask of anyone who applies to me for a +place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in the West Diddlesex? the +second, Have you a good character? And if the first question is answered +in the negative, I say to the party coming to me, Then be a shareholder +before you ask for a place in my household. Did you not see me--me, John +Brough, whose name is good for millions--step out of my coach-and-four +into this office, with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr. +Roundhand as the price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate? +Did you remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound?" + +"Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy-three +ten and six--Thursday week," says I. + +"And why did I deduct that shilling, sir? Because it was _my +commission_--John Brough's commission; honestly earned by him, and openly +taken. Was there any disguise about it? No. Did I do it for the love +of a shilling? No," says Brough, laying his hand on his heart, "I did it +from _principle_,--from that motive which guides every one of my actions, +as I can look up to Heaven and say. I wish all my young men to see my +example, and follow it: I wish--I pray that they may. Think of that +example, sir. That porter of mine has a sick wife and nine young +children: he is himself a sick man, and his tenure of life is feeble; he +has earned money, sir, in my service--sixty pounds and more--it is all +his children have to look to--all: but for that, in the event of his +death, they would be houseless beggars in the street. And what have I +done for that family, sir? I have put that money out of the reach of +Robert Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his family +at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares in this office; and +Robert Gates, my lodge-porter, is a holder of three shares in the West +Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your master and mine. Do +you think I want to _cheat_ Gates?" + +"Oh, sir!" says I. + +"To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent children!--you +can't think so, sir; I should be a disgrace to human nature if I did. But +what boots all my energy and perseverance? What though I place my +friends' money, my family's money, my own money--my hopes, wishes, +desires, ambitions--all upon this enterprise? You young men will not do +so. You, whom I treat with love and confidence as my children, make no +return to me. When I toil, you remain still; when I struggle, you look +on. Say the word at once,--you doubt me! O heavens, that this should be +the reward of all my care and love for you!" + +Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, and I +confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which I had been +guilty. + +"Sir," says I, "I am very--very sorry: it was a matter of delicacy, +rather than otherwise, which induced me not to speak to my aunt about the +West Diddlesex." + +"Delicacy, my dear dear boy--as if there can be any delicacy about making +your aunt's fortune! Say indifference to me, say ingratitude, say +folly,--but don't say delicacy--no, no, not delicacy. Be honest, my boy, +and call things by their right names--always do." + +"It _was_ folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I: "I see it all now; +and I'll write to my aunt this very post." + +"You had better do no such thing," says Brough, bitterly: "the stocks are +at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per cent. for her money." + +"I _will_ write, sir,--upon my word and honour, I will write." + +"Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never break +your word--no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh. Send me up the letter when you +have done, and I'll frank it--upon my word and honour I will," says Mr. +Brough, laughing, and holding out his hand to me. + +I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly--"You may as well sit down +here," says he, as he kept hold of it; "there is plenty of paper." + +And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote, +"Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822," and "My dear Aunt," +in the best manner possible. Then I paused a little, thinking what I +should next say; for I have always found that difficulty about letters. +The date and My dear So-and-so one writes off immediately--it is the next +part which is hard; and I put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my +chair, and began to think about it. + +"Bah!" said Brough, "are you going to be about this letter all day, my +good fellow? Listen to me, and I'll dictate to you in a moment." So he +began:-- + + "My Dear Aunt,--Since my return from Somersetshire, I am very happy + indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing director of our + Association and the Board, that they have been good enough to appoint + me third clerk--" + +"Sir!" says I. + +"Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by the board +yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes the title of secretary and +actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego follows him; and I +place you as third clerk--as + + "third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds per + annum. This news will, I know, gratify my dear mother and you, who + have been a second mother to me all my life. + + "When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to the best + mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless in your + banker's hands. I have since lost no opportunity of gaining what + information I could: and situated here as I am, in the very midst of + affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a person to + apply to as many others of greater age and standing. + + "I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but + feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing so. I did not wish that + anyone should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could move me in + any way. + + "But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex + Association offers the best security that you can expect for your + capital, and, at the same time, the highest interest you can anywhere + procure. + + "The situation of the Company, as I have it from _the very best + authority_ (underline that), is as follows:-- + + "The subscribed and _bona fide_ capital is FIVE MILLIONS STERLING. + + "The body of directors you know. Suffice it to say that the managing + director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and Hoff, a + Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. Rothschild in the + City of London. His private fortune, I know for a fact, amounts to + half a million; and the last dividends paid to the shareholders of the + I. W. D. Association amounted to 6.125 per cent. per annum." + +[That I know was the dividend declared by us.] + + "Although the shares in the market are at a very great premium, it is + the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose of a certain number, + 5,000_l_. each at par; and if you, my dearest aunt, would wish for + 2,500_l_. worth, I hope you will allow me to oblige you by offering + you so much of my new privileges. + + "Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have already + an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market price." + +"But I haven't, sir," says I. + +"You have, sir. _I_ will take the shares; but I want _you_. I want as +many respectable persons in the Company as I can bring. I want you +because I like you, and I don't mind telling you that I have views of my +own as well; for I am an honest man and say openly what I mean, and I'll +tell you _why_ I want you. I can't, by the regulations of the Company, +have more than a certain number of votes, but if your aunt takes shares, +I expect--I don't mind owning it--that she will vote with me. _Now_ do +you understand me? My object is to be all in all with the Company; and +if I be, I will make it the most glorious enterprise that ever was +conducted in the City of London." + +So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank. + +The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's desk, being +led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, much to the +annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their services: though, +as for the matter of that, our services were very much alike: the Company +was only three years old, and the oldest clerk in it had not six months' +more standing in it than I. "Look out," said that envious M'Whirter to +me. "Have you got money, or have any of your relations money? or are any +of them going to put it into the concern?" + +I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his mull, and +was always kind to him; and he, to say the truth, was always most civil +to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I was a superior being; and +I must say that the rest of the chaps behaved very kindly in the matter, +and said that if one man were to be put over their heads before another, +they would have pitched upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and +done little kindnesses to several. + +"I know," says Abednego, "how you got the place. It was I who got it +you. I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston's, the Lord of the +Treasury, had venison from him and all that; and depend upon it he +expects that you will be able to do him some good in that quarter." + +I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because our +governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my cousin; told +me to push the concern in the West End of the town, get as many noblemen +as we could to insure with us, and so on. It was in vain I said I could +do nothing with Mr. Preston. "Bah! bah!" says Mr. Brough, "don't tell +_me_. People don't send haunches of venison to you for nothing;" and I'm +convinced he thought I was a very cautious prudent fellow, for not +bragging about my great family, and keeping my connection with them a +secret. To be sure he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived +with me; but Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the +nobility, and boasted about me ten times as much as I did myself. + +The chaps used to call me the "West Ender." + +"See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty giving me a +diamond-pin! What a lucky thing it is that she did not give me the +money, as I hoped she would! Had I not had the pin--had I even taken it +to any other person but Mr. Polonius, Lady Drum would never have noticed +me; had Lady Drum never noticed me, Mr. Brough never would, and I never +should have been third clerk of the West Diddlesex." + +I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my +appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning that a "certain +event," for which one of us was longing very earnestly, might come off +sooner than we had expected. And why not? Miss S.'s own fortune was +70_l_. a year, mine was 150_l_., and when we had 300_l_., we always vowed +we would marry. "Ah!" thought I, "if I could but go to Somersetshire +now, I might boldly walk up to old Smith's door" (he was her grandfather, +and a half-pay lieutenant of the navy), "I might knock at the knocker and +see my beloved Mary in the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak behind +hayricks on the look-out for her, or pelt stones at midnight at her +window." + +My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter. She +had not determined, she said, as to the manner in which she should employ +her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer into consideration; +begging me to keep my shares open for a little while, until her mind was +made up. + +What, then, does Mr. Brough do? I learned afterwards, in the year 1830, +when he and the West Diddlesex Association had disappeared altogether, +how he had proceeded. + +"Who are the attorneys at Slopperton?" says he to me in a careless way. + +"Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. Hodge and +Smithers the Liberals." I knew them very well, for the fact is, before +Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather partial to Miss Hodge, +and her great gold-coloured ringlets; but Mary came and soon put _her_ +nose out of joint, as the saying is. + +"And you are of what politics?" + +"Why, sir, we are Liberals." I was rather ashamed of this, for Mr. +Brough was an out-and-out Tory; but Hodge and Smithers is a most +respectable firm. I brought up a packet from them to Hickson, Dixon, +Paxton, and Jackson, _our_ solicitors, who are their London +correspondents. + +Mr. Brough only said, "Oh, indeed!" and did not talk any further on the +subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very much. + +"Titmarsh, my dear boy," says he, "I have a young lady at Fulham who is +worth seeing, I assure you, and who has heard so much about you from her +father (for I like you, my boy, I don't care to own it), that she is +rather anxious to see you too. Suppose you come down to us for a week? +Abednego will do your work." + +"Law, sir! you are very kind," says I. + +"Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret. But hark +ye! I don't think, my dear fellow, you are quite smart enough--quite +well enough dressed. Do you understand me?" + +"I've my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir." + +"What! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that you wore at +Mrs. Brough's party?" (It _was_ rather high-waisted, being made in the +country two years before.) "No--no, that will never do. Get some new +clothes, sir,--two new suits of clothes." + +"Sir!" says I, "I'm already, if the truth must be told, very short of +money for this quarter, and can't afford myself a new suit for a long +time to come." + +"Pooh, pooh! don't let that annoy you. Here's a ten-pound note--but no, +on second thoughts, you may as well go to my tailor's. I'll drive you +down there: and never mind the bill, my good lad!" And drive me down he +actually did, in his grand coach-and-four, to Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford +Street, who took my measure, and sent me home two of the finest coats +ever seen, a dress-coat and a frock, a velvet waist-coat, a silk ditto, +and three pairs of pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told +me to get some boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings; so that +when the time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome as +any young nobleman, and Gus said that "I looked, by Jingo, like a regular +tip-top swell." + +In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to Hodge and +Smithers:-- + + "RAM ALLEY, CORNHILL, LONDON: _July_ 1822. + + "DEAR SIRS, + + * * * * * + + [This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon v. + Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, I am not permitted to + extract.] + + * * * * * + + "Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the + Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of which + we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We wrote to you + last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton and Somerset agency + for the same, and have been expecting for some time back that either + shares or assurances should be effected by you. + + "The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions sterling + (say 5,000,000_l_.), and we are in a situation to offer more than the + usual commission to our agents of the legal profession. We shall be + happy to give a premium of 6 per cent. for shares to the amount of + 1,000_l_., 6.5 per cent. above a thousand, to be paid immediately upon + the taking of the shares. + + "I am, dear Sirs, for self and partners, + Yours most faithfully, + SAMUEL JACKSON." + +This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time afterwards. I +knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my new suit of clothes, I +went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, residence of John +Brough, Esquire, M.P. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY + +If I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery +properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome country +place; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, handsome +shrubberies and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, kitchen-gardens, +and everything belonging to a first-rate _rus in urbe_, as the great +auctioneer called it when he hammered it down some years after. + +I arrived on a Saturday at half-an-hour before dinner: a grave gentleman +out of livery showed me to my room; a man in a chocolate coat and gold +lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me a silver shaving-pot +of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand dinner was ready at six, at +which I had the honour of appearing in Von Stiltz's dress-coat and my new +silk stockings and pumps. + +Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his lady, a +stout fair-haired woman, in light blue satin; then to his daughter, a +tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking very ill-natured, +and about eighteen. + +"Belinda my love," said her papa, "this young gentleman is one of my +clerks, who was at our ball." + +"Oh, indeed!" says Belinda, tossing up her head. + +"But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda,--so, if you please, we will have +none of your aristocratic airs with him. He is a nephew of the Countess +of Drum; and I hope he will soon be very high in our establishment, and +in the city of London." + +At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error about +our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and stared at me very +hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery pleasant to any friend +of Papa's. "We have not much _monde_ to-day," continued Miss Brough, +"and are only in _petit comite_; but I hope before you leave us you will +see some _societe_ that will make your _sejour_ agreeable." + +I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the French +language in this way. + +"Isn't she a fine girl?" said Brough, whispering to me, and evidently as +proud of her as a man could be. "Isn't she a fine girl--eh, you dog? Do +you see breeding like that in Somersetshire?" + +"No, sir, upon my word!" answered I, rather slily; for I was thinking all +the while how "Somebody" was a thousand times more beautiful, simple, and +ladylike. + +"And what has my dearest love been doing all day?" said her papa. + +"Oh, Pa! I have _pinced_ the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's flute. +Didn't I, Captain Fizgig?" + +Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, your fair +daughter _pinced_ the harp, and _touched_ the piano, and _egratigned_ the +guitar, and _ecorched_ a song or two; and we had the pleasure of a +_promenade a l'eau_,--of a walk upon the water." + +"Law, Captain!" cries Mrs. Brough, "walk on the water?" + +"Hush, Mamma, you don't understand French!" says Miss Belinda, with a +sneer. + +"It's a sad disadvantage, madam," says Fizgig, gravely; "and I recommend +you and Brough here, who are coming out in the great world, to have some +lessons; or at least get up a couple of dozen phrases, and introduce them +into your conversation here and there. I suppose, sir, you speak it +commonly at the office, Mr. What you call it?" And Mr. Fizgig put his +glass into his eye and looked at me. + +"We speak English, sir," says I, "knowing it better than French." + +"Everybody has not had your opportunities," Miss Brough, continued the +gentleman. "Everybody has not _voyage_ like _nous autres_, hey? _Mais +que voulez-vous_, my good sir? you must stick to your cursed ledgers and +things. What's the French for ledger, Miss Belinda?" + +"How can you ask? _Je n'en scais rien_, I'm sure." + +"You should learn, Miss Brough," said her father. "The daughter of a +British merchant need not be ashamed of the means by which her father +gets his bread. _I'm_ not ashamed--I'm not proud. Those who know John +Brough, know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like my friend +Titmarsh here, and is now worth half-a-million. Is there any man in the +House better listened to than John Brough? Is there any duke in the land +that can give a better dinner than John Brough; or a larger fortune to +his daughter than John Brough? Why, sir, the humble person now speaking +to you could buy out many a German duke! But I'm not proud--no, no, not +proud. There's my daughter--look at her--when I die, she will be +mistress of my fortune; but am I proud? No! Let him who can win her, +marry her, that's what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son of a peer of +the realm; or you, Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I +care, hey?--what do I care?" + +"O-o-oh!" sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd: a very pale +young man, with a black riband round his neck instead of a handkerchief, +and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. He was leaning against the +mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green eyes ogling Miss Brough with +all his might. + +"Oh, John--my dear John!" cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her husband's hand +and kissing it, "you are an angel, that you are!" + +"Isabella, don't flatter me; I'm a _man_,--a plain downright citizen of +London, without a particle of pride, except in you and my daughter +here--my two Bells, as I call them! This is the way that we live, +Titmarsh my boy: ours is a happy, humble, Christian home, and that's all. +Isabella, leave go my hand!" + +"Mamma, you mustn't do so before company; it's odious!" shrieked Miss B.; +and Mamma quietly let the hand fall, and heaved from her ample bosom a +great large sigh. I felt a liking for that simple woman, and a respect +for Brough too. He couldn't be a bad man, whose wife loved him so. + +Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss B., +who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain Fizgig, because +that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. He sat on the right +of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat next to him, leaving +me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at the opposite side of the table. + +At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey afterwards +of course. How is it that at all the great dinners they have this +perpetual boiled turkey? It was real turtle-soup: the first time I had +ever tasted it; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who insisted on helping it, +gave all the green lumps of fat to her husband, and put several slices of +the breast of the bird under the body, until it came to his turn to be +helped. + +"I'm a plain man," says John, "and eat a plain dinner. I hate your +kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for those who are not of my way of +thinking. I'm no egotist, look you; I've no prejudices; and Miss there +has her bechamels and fallals according to her taste. Captain, try the +_volly-vong_." + +We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great silver +tankards of porter, which those might take who chose. Brough made +especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the ladies retired, said, +"Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an unlimited supply of wine: there's no +stinting here;" and then laid himself down in his easy-chair and fell +asleep. + +"He always does so," whispered Mr. Tidd to me. + +"Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins," says the Captain. "That +other claret we had yesterday is loaded, and disagrees with me +infernally!" + +I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt Hoggarty's +Rosolio. + +I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing for. + +"Isn't she a glorious creature?" says he to me. + +"Who, sir?" says I. + +"Miss Belinda, to be sure!" cried Tidd. "Did mortal ever look upon eyes +like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure?" + +"She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, "and a +little less eyebrow. They look vicious, those scowling eyebrows, in a +girl. _Qu'en dites-vous_, Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss Brough would say?" + +"I think it remarkably good claret, sir," says I. + +"Egad, you're the right sort of fellow!" says the Captain. "_Volto +sciolto_, eh? You respect our sleeping host yonder?" + +"That I do, sir, as the first man in the city of London, and my managing +director." + +"And so do I," says Tidd; "and this day fortnight, when I'm of age, I'll +prove my confidence too." + +"As how?" says I. + +"Why, sir, you must know that I come into--ahem--a considerable property, +sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made--in business." + +"Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd." + +"He _was_ a tailor, sir,--but what of that? I've had a University +education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; as much--ay, perhaps, +and more, than some members of an effete aristocracy." + +"Tidd, don't be severe!" says the Captain, drinking a tenth glass. + +"Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable property; and +Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me twelve hundred a year +for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have promised to invest them." + +"In the West Diddlesex, sir?" says I--"in our office?" + +"No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and quite as +good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my family, sir, and he +has taken a great liking to me; and he says that with my talents I ought +to get into Parliament; and then--and then! after I have laid out my +patrimony, I may look to _matrimony_, you see!" + +"Oh, you designing dog!" said the Captain. "When I used to lick you at +school, who ever would have thought that I was thrashing a sucking +statesman?" + +"Talk away, boys!" said Brough, waking out of his sleep; "I only sleep +with half an eye, and hear you all. Yes, you shall get into Parliament, +Tidd my man, or my name's not Brough! You shall have six per cent. for +your money, or never believe me! But as for my daughter--ask _her_, and +not me. You, or the Captain, or Titmarsh, may have her, if you can get +her. All I ask in a son-in-law is, that he should be, as every one of +you is, an honourable and high-minded man!" + +Tidd at this looked very knowing; and as our host sank off to sleep +again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at the +Captain. + +"Bah!" says the Captain. "I say what I think; and you may tell Miss +Brough if you like." And so presently this conversation ended, and we +were summoned in to coffee. After which the Captain sang songs with Miss +Brough; Tidd looked at her and said nothing; I looked at prints, and Mrs. +Brough sat knitting stockings for the poor. The Captain was sneering +openly at Miss Brough and her affected ways and talk; but in spite of his +bullying contemptuous way I thought she seemed to have a great regard for +him, and to bear his scorn very meekly. + +At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knightsbridge, and +Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day being Sunday, a great bell woke us at +eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfast-room, where Mr. +Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an exhortation afterwards, to us +and all the members of the household; except the French cook, Monsieur +Nontong-paw, whom I could see, from my chair, walking about in the +shrubberies in his white night-cap, smoking a cigar. + +Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went through +the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers; but though this man was +a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I'm not going to laugh at the family +prayers, or say he was a hypocrite _because_ he had them. There are many +bad and good men who don't go through the ceremony at all; but I am sure +the good men would be the better for it, and am not called upon to settle +the question with respect to the bad ones; and therefore I have passed +over a great deal of the religious part of Mr. Brough's behaviour: +suffice it, that religion was always on his lips; that he went to church +thrice every Sunday, when he had not a party; and if he did not talk +religion with us when we were alone, had a great deal to say upon the +subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had a Quaker and +Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as grave as that of any +minister present. Tidd was not there that day,--for nothing could make +him forsake his Byron riband or refrain from wearing his collars turned +down; so Tidd was sent with the buggy to Astley's. "And hark ye, +Titmarsh my boy," said he, "leave your diamond pin upstairs: our friends +to-day don't like such gewgaws; and though for my part I am no enemy to +harmless ornaments, yet I would not shock the feelings of those who have +sterner opinions. You will see that my wife and Miss Brough consult my +wishes in this respect." And so they did,--for they both came down to +dinner in black gowns and tippets; whereas Miss B. had commonly her dress +half off her shoulders. + +The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough seemed +always delighted to see _him_. One day I met him as I was walking out +alone by the river, and we had a long talk together. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says he, "from what little I have seen of you, you seem +to be an honest straight-minded young fellow; and I want some information +that you can give. Tell me, in the first place, if you will--and upon my +honour it shall go no farther--about this Insurance Company of yours? You +are in the City, and see how affairs are going on. Is your concern a +stable one?" + +"Sir," said I, "frankly then, and upon my honour too, I believe it is. It +has been set up only four years, it is true; but Mr. Brough had a great +name when it was established, and a vast connection. Every clerk in the +office has, to be sure, in a manner, paid for his place, either by taking +shares himself, or by his relations taking them. I got mine because my +mother, who is very poor, devoted a small sum of money that came to us to +the purchase of an annuity for herself and a provision for me. The +matter was debated by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and +Smithers, who are very well known in our part of the country; and it was +agreed on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for +all of us than invest it in this way. Brough alone is worth half a +million of money, and his name is a host in itself. Nay, more: I wrote +the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum of money in +loose cash, and who had consulted me as to the disposal of it, to invest +it in our office. Can I give you any better proof of my opinion of its +solvency?" + +"Did Brough persuade you in any way?" + +"Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me his motives, +and tells them to us all as honestly. He says, 'Gentlemen, it is my +object to increase the connection of the office, as much as possible. I +want to crush all the other offices in London. Our terms are lower than +any office, and we can bear to have them lower, and a great business will +come to us that way. But we must work ourselves as well. Every single +shareholder and officer of the establishment must exert himself, and +bring us customers,--no matter for how little they are engaged--engage +them: that is the great point.' And accordingly our Director makes all +his friends and servants shareholders: his very lodge-porter yonder is a +shareholder; and he thus endeavours to fasten upon all whom he comes +near. I, for instance, have just been appointed over the heads of our +gents, to a much better place than I held. I am asked down here, and +entertained royally: and why? Because my aunt has three thousand pounds +which Mr. Brough wants her to invest with us." + +"That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh." + +"Not a whit, sir: he makes no disguise of the matter. When the question +is settled one way or the other, I don't believe Mr. Brough will take any +further notice of me. But he wants me now. This place happened to fall +in just at the very moment when he had need of me; and he hopes to gain +over my family through me. He told me as much as we drove down. 'You +are a man of the world, Titmarsh,' said he; 'you know that I don't give +you this place because you are an honest fellow, and write a good hand. +If I had a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should only have +given you that; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in my power.'" + +"That's fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager for such a small +sum as three thousand pounds?" + +"If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more eager. You +don't know the city of London, and the passion which our great men in the +share-market have for increasing their connection. Mr. Brough, sir, +would canvass and wheedle a chimney-sweep in the way of business. See, +here is poor Tidd and his twenty thousand pounds. Our Director has taken +possession of him just in the same way. He wants all the capital he can +lay his hands on." + +"Yes, and suppose he runs off with the capital?" + +"Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir? Suppose the Bank of +England runs off! But here we are at the lodge-gate. Let's ask Gates, +another of Mr. Brough's victims." And we went in and spoke to old Gates. + +"Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, "you are one of +my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex yonder?" + +"Yees, sure," says old Gates, grinning. He was a retired servant, with a +large family come to him in his old age. + +"May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can lay by so +much money, and purchase shares in our Company?" + +Gates told us his wages; and when we inquired whether they were paid +regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentleman in the world: +that he had put two of his daughters into service, two of his sons to +charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a hundred other +benefits that he had received from the family. Mrs. Brough clothed half +the children; master gave them blankets and coats in winter, and soup and +meat all the year round. There never was such a generous family, sure, +since the world began. + +"Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy you? Mr. Brough +gives to these people fifty times as much as he gains from them; and yet +he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our Company." + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "you are an honest fellow; and I +confess your argument sounds well. Now tell me, do you know anything +about Miss Brough and her fortune?" + +"Brough will leave her everything--or says so." But I suppose the +Captain saw some particular expression in my countenance, for he laughed +and said-- + +"I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price. Well, I +don't know that you are far wrong." + +"Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you always at her +heels?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand pounds;" and he +went back to the house directly, and proposed for her. + +I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the gentleman's +part; for he had been introduced to the family by Mr. Tidd, with whom he +had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd entirely in the great +heiress's affections. Brough stormed, and actually swore at his daughter +(as the Captain told me afterwards) when he heard that the latter had +accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, seeing the Captain, made him give his +word that the engagement should be kept secret for a few months. And +Captain F. only made a confidant of me, and the mess, as he said: but +this was after Tidd had paid his twenty thousand pounds over to our +governor, which he did punctually when he came of age. The same day, +too, he proposed for the young lady, and I need not say was rejected. +Presently the Captain's engagement began to be whispered about: all his +great relations, the Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of +Crabs, &c. came and visited the Brough family; the Hon. Henry Ringwood +became a shareholder in our Company, and the Earl of Crabs offered to be. +Our shares rose to a premium; our Director, his lady, and daughter were +presented at Court; and the great West Diddlesex Association bid fair to +be the first Assurance Office in the kingdom. + +A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to me to +say that she had consulted with her attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and +Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the sum as I +advised. She had the sum invested, too, in my name, paying me many +compliments upon my honesty and talent; of which, she said, Mr. Brough +had given her the most flattering account. And at the same time my aunt +informed me that at her death the shares should be my own. This gave me +a great weight in the Company, as you may imagine. At our next annual +meeting, I attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and had great +pleasure in hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, declare a +dividend of six per cent., that we all received over the counter. + +"You lucky young scoundrel!" said Brough to me; "do you know what made me +give you your place?" + +"Why, my aunt's money, to be sure, sir," said I. + +"No such thing. Do you fancy I cared for those paltry three thousand +pounds? I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum; and Lady Drum is +grandmother of Lady Jane Preston; and Mr. Preston is a man who can do us +a world of good. I knew that they had sent you venison, and the deuce +knows what; and when I saw Lady Jane at my party shake you by the hand, +and speak to you so kindly, I took all Abednego's tales for gospel. +_That_ was the reason you got the place, mark you, and not on account of +your miserable three thousand pounds. Well, sir, a fortnight after you +were with us at Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of +having given the place to his cousin. 'Confound the insolent scoundrel!' +said he; '_he_ my cousin! I suppose you take all old Drum's stories for +true? Why, man, it's her mania: she never is introduced to a man but she +finds out a cousinship, and would not fail of course with that cur of a +Titmarsh!' 'Well,' said I, laughing, 'that cur has got a good place in +consequence, and the matter can't be mended.' So you see," continued our +Director, "that you were indebted for your place, not to your aunt's +money, but--" + +"But to MY AUNT'S DIAMOND PIN!" + +"Lucky rascal!" said Brough, poking me in the side and going out of the +way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I was. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH'S LIFE + +I don't know how it was that in the course of the next six months Mr. +Roundhand, the actuary, who had been such a profound admirer of Mr. +Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled with both, +and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of his 5,000_l_. +worth of shares to a pretty good profit, and went away, speaking +everything that was evil both of the Company and the Director. + +Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was first +clerk, and your humble servant was second in the office at a salary of +250_l_. a year. How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand's aspersions of the +West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our meeting in January, 1823, +when our Chief Director, in one of the most brilliant speeches ever +heard, declared that the half-yearly dividend was 4_l_. per cent., at the +rate of 8_l_. per cent. per annum; and I sent to my aunt 120_l_. sterling +as the amount of the interest of the stock in my name. + +My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent me back +10_l_. for my own pocket, and asked me if she had not better sell +Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this admirable +concern. + +On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of Mr. +Brough. Mr. B. told me that shares could not be had but at a premium; +but on my representing that I knew of 5,000_l_. worth in the market at +par, he said--"Well, if so, he would like a fair price for his, and would +not mind disposing of 5,000_l_. worth, as he had rather a glut of West +Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns wanted feeding with ready +money." At the end of our conversation, of which I promised to report +the purport to Mrs. Hoggarty, the Director was so kind as to say that he +had determined on creating a place of private secretary to the Managing +Director, and that I should hold that office with an additional salary of +150_l_. + +I had 250_l_. a year, Miss Smith had 70_l_. per annum to her fortune. +What had I said should be my line of conduct whenever I could realise +300_l_. a year? + +Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew of my +engagement with Mary Smith. Her father had been a commander in the navy +and a very distinguished officer; and though Mary, as I have said, only +brought me a fortune of 70_l_. a year, and I, as everybody said, in my +present position in the office and the City of London, might have +reasonably looked out for a lady with much more money, yet my friends +agreed that the connection was very respectable, and I was content: as +who would not have been with such a darling as Mary? I am sure, for my +part, I would not have taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of +Mary, even with a plum to her fortune. + +Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as of +everything else relating to every clerk in the office; and I do believe +Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day. Indeed, his +knowledge of our affairs was wonderful. + +He asked me how Mary's money was invested. It was in the three per cent. +consols--2,333_l_. 6_s_. 8_d_. + +"Remember," says he, "my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to be may have +seven per cent. for her money at the very least, and on better security +than the Bank of England; for is not a Company of which John Brough is +the head better than any other company in England?" and to be sure I +thought he was not far wrong, and promised to speak to Mary's guardians +on the subject before our marriage. Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather, +had been at the first very much averse to our union. (I must confess +that, one day finding me alone with her, and kissing, I believe, the tips +of her little fingers, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of +doors.) But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of 250_l_. a year, a promised +fortune of 150_l_. more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough of +London, was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor +clergyman's widow's son; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind letter +enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb's-wool stockings and +four ditto waistcoats from Romanis', and accepted them too as a present +from me when I went down in June--in happy June of 1823--to fetch my dear +Mary away. + +Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt's Slopperton and +Squashtail property, which she had not as yet sold, as she talked of +doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a shame that any +person in whom he took such interest, as he did in all the relatives of +his dear young friend, should only have three per cent. for her money, +when she could have eight elsewhere. He always called me Sam now, +praised me to the other young men (who brought the praises regularly to +me), said there was a cover always laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly +took me thither. There was but little company when I went; and M'Whirter +used to say he only asked me on days when he had his vulgar +acquaintances. But I did not care for the great people, not being born +in their sphere; and indeed did not much care for going to the house at +all. Miss Belinda was not at all to my liking. After her engagement +with Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his 20,000_l_. and +Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our Director's companies, +Mr. Brough declared he believed that Captain Fizgig's views were +mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, by saying that he must take +Miss Brough without a farthing, or not have her at all. Whereupon +Captain Fizgig got an appointment in the colonies, and Miss Brough became +more ill-humoured than ever. But I could not help thinking she was rid +of a bad bargain, and pitying poor Tidd, who came back to the charge +again more love-sick than ever, and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss +Belinda. Her father plainly told Tidd, too, that his visits were +disagreeable to Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he +begged him to discontinue his calls at the Rookery. Poor fellow! he had +paid his 20,000_l_. away for nothing! for what was six per cent. to him +compared to six per cent. and the hand of Miss Belinda Brough? + +Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called me, so +much, and felt such a warm sympathy in my well-being, that he insisted on +my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months' leave; and away I +went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brand-new suits from Von +Stiltz's in my trunk (I had them made, looking forward to a certain +event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant Smith's fleecy hosiery; wrapping +up a parcel of our prospectuses and two letters from John Brough, Esq., +to my mother our worthy annuitant, and to Mrs. Hoggarty our excellent +shareholder. Mr. Brough said I was all that the fondest father could +wish, that he considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged +Mrs. Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her little landed property, as +land was high now and _must fall_; whereas the West Diddlesex Association +shares were (comparatively) low, and must inevitably, in the course of a +year or two, double, treble, quadruple their present value. + +In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear Gus. +As we parted in the yard of the "Bolt-in-Tun," Fleet Street, I felt that +I never should go back to Salisbury Square again, and had made my little +present to the landlady's family accordingly. She said I was the +respectablest gentleman she had ever had in her house: nor was that +saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rules of the Fleet, and her lodgers +used commonly to be prisoners on Rule from that place. As for Gus, the +poor fellow cried and blubbered so that he could not eat a morsel of the +muffins and grilled ham with which I treated him for breakfast in the +"Bolt-in-Tun" coffee-house; and when I went away was waving his hat and +his handkerchief so in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe +the wheels of the "True Blue" went over his toes, for I heard him roaring +as we passed through the arch. Ah! how different were my feelings as I +sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the coachman, to +those I had the last time I mounted that coach, parting from my dear Mary +and coming to London with my DIAMOND PIN! + +When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, where +the "True Blue" generally stops to take a glass of ale at the Poppleton +Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, was come into the +country, so great was the concourse of people assembled round the inn. +And there was the landlord of the inn and all the people of the village. +Then there was Tom Wheeler, the post-boy, from Mrs. Rincer's +posting-hotel in our town; he was riding on the old bay posters, and +they, Heaven bless us! were drawing my aunt's yellow chariot, in which +she never went out but thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her +splendid cashmere shawl and a new hat and feather. She waved a white +handkerchief out of the window, and Tom Wheeler shouted out "Huzza!" as +did a number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley: who, to be sure, +would huzza for anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler's part, however! +I remembered only a few years before how he had whipped me from the box +of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride behind. + +Next to my aunt's carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of Lieutenant +Smith, R.N., who was driving his old fat pony with his lady by his side. +I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and felt a little sad at seeing +that _Somebody_ was not there. But, O silly fellow! there was Somebody +in the yellow chariot with my aunt, blushing like a peony, I declare, and +looking so happy!--oh, so happy and pretty! She had a white dress, and a +light blue and yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty +colours; though what the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow, +I don't know to this day. + +Well, the "True Blue" guard made a great bellowing on his horn as his +four horses dashed away; the boys shouted again; I was placed bodkin +between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary; Tom Wheeler cut into his bays; the +Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and whose big dog +did not make the slightest attempt at biting me this time) beat his pony +till its fat sides lathered again; and thus in this, I may say, +unexampled procession, I arrived in triumph at our village. + +My dear mother and the girls,--Heaven bless them!--nine of them in their +nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk for each of +them)--could not afford a carriage, but had posted themselves on the road +near the village; and there was such a waving of hands and handkerchiefs: +and though my aunt did not much notice them, except by a majestic toss of +the head, which is pardonable in a woman of her property, yet Mary Smith +did even more than I, and waved her hands as much as the whole nine. Ah! +how my dear mother cried and blessed me when we met, and called me her +soul's comfort and her darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a +paragon of virtue and genius: whereas I was only a very lucky young +fellow, that by the aid of kind friends had stepped rapidly into a very +pretty property. + +I was not to stay with my mother,--that had been arranged beforehand; for +though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably good friends, yet Mother +said it was for my benefit that I should stay with my aunt, and so give +up the pleasure of having me with her: and though hers was much the +humbler house of the two, I need not say I preferred it far to Mrs. +Hoggarty's more splendid one; let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I +was obliged now to drink gallons. + +It was to Mrs. H.'s then we were driven: she had prepared a great dinner +that evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on getting out of the +carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that was for +himself, and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the horses +afterwards. At which Tom flung the sixpence upon the ground, swore most +violently, and was very justly called by my aunt an "impertinent fellow." + +She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out of +her sight. We used to sit for morning after morning over her accounts, +debating for hours together the propriety of selling the Slopperton +property; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, for Hodge and +Smithers could not get the price she wanted. And, moreover, she vowed +that at her decease she would leave every shilling to me. + +Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with marked +consideration; as did every single person of the village. Those who +could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank the health of +the young couple; and many a time after dinner or supper was my Mary made +to blush by the allusions to the change in her condition. + +The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July, 1823, +saw me the happiest husband of the prettiest girl in Somersetshire. We +were married from my mother's house, who would insist upon that at any +rate, and the nine girls acted as bridesmaids; ay! and Gus Hoskins came +from town express to be my groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's, +and stayed with her for a week, and cast a sheep's-eye upon Miss Winny +Titmarsh too, my dear fourth sister, as I afterwards learned. + +My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. She had +desired me some weeks previous to order three magnificent dresses for +Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some elegant +trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs from Howell and James's. +These were sent down to me, and were to be _my_ present to the bride; but +Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need never trouble myself +about the payment of the bill, and I thought her conduct very generous. +Also she lent us her chariot for the wedding journey, and made with her +own hands a beautiful crimson satin reticule for Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, +her dear niece. It contained a huswife completely furnished with +needles, &c., for she hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never neglect her needle; +and a purse containing some silver pennies, and a very curious pocket- +piece. "As long as you keep these, my dear," said Mrs. Hoggarty, "you +will never want; and fervently--fervently do I pray that you will keep +them." In the carriage-pocket we found a paper of biscuits and a bottle +of Rosolio. We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom Wheeler--who, +however, did not seem to like it much better than we. + +I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz's coat (the third and +fourth coats, Heaven help us! in a year), and that I wore sparkling in my +bosom the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON + +We pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for our life +in London, and a pretty paradise did we build for ourselves! Well, we +were but forty years old between us; and, for my part, I never found any +harm come of castle-building, but a great deal of pleasure. + +Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for a +proper place, befitting persons of our small income; and Gus Hoskins and +I, who hunted after office-hours in couples, bad fixed on a very snug +little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a garden that certain +_small people_ might play in when they came: a horse and gig-house, if +ever we kept one,--and why not, in a few years?--and a fine healthy air, +at a reasonable distance from 'Change; all for 30_l_. a year. I had +described this little spot to Mary as enthusiastically as Sancho +describes Lizias to Don Quixote; and my dear wife was delighted with the +prospect of housekeeping there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes +herself (especially jam-pudding, of which I confess I am very fond), and +promised Gus that he should dine with us at Clematis Bower every Sunday: +only he must not smoke those horrid cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he +would have a room in the neighbourhood too, for he could not bear to go +back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together; and so good- +natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come and keep her +company. At which Hoskins blushed, and said, "Pooh! nonsense now." + +But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the +ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs. +Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was determined +to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep house for them, +and introduce them to her friends in the metropolis. + +What could we do? We wished her at--Bath: certainly not in London. But +there was no help for it; and we were obliged to bring her: for, as my +mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would go out of our family; +and were we two young people not likely to want it? + +So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the whole +way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my aunt's rank in +life could not travel by the stage. And I had to pay 14_l_. for the +posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my little hoard of cash. + +First we went into lodgings,--into three sets in three weeks. We +quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she cut a +slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner; from the +second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would steal the +candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty came down to +breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face shockingly swelled +and bitten by--never mind what. To cut a long tale short, I was half mad +with the continual choppings and changings, and the long stories and +scoldings of my aunt. As for her great acquaintances, none of them were +in London; and she made it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not +introduced her to John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady +Tiptoff, her relatives. + +Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his return I +did not care at first to tell our Director that I had brought my aunt +with me, or mention my embarrassments for money. He looked rather +serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him and asked for an +advance; but when he heard that my lack of money had been occasioned by +the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone instantly changed. "That, my +dear boy, alters the question; Mrs. Hoggarty is of an age when all things +must be yielded to her. Here are a hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw +upon me whenever you are in the least in want of money." This gave me +breathing-time until she should pay her share of the household expenses. +And the very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid +carriage-and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings +in Lamb's Conduit Street. + +It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in that +sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of the cause, +and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country place in +Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile odious things. + +"Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your rank to +suffer in this way!--the excellent relative of my dear boy, Titmarsh! +Never, madam--never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty +should be subject to such horrible humiliation, while John Brough has a +home to offer her,--a humble, happy, Christian home, madam; though +unlike, perhaps, the splendour to which you have been accustomed in the +course of your distinguished career. Isabella my love!--Belinda! speak +to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell her that John Brough's house is hers from garret +to cellar. I repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire--I +insist--I order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be +placed this instant in my carriage! Have the goodness to look to them +yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's comforts are +better provided for than they have been." + +Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure, Mr. +Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though the silly +child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at Aunt's enormous +valises, yet she performed the work, and came down with a smiling face to +my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Brough with a long and +particular account of the balls at the Castle, in Dublin, in Lord +Charleville's time. + +"I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to bring them +down," said Mary. + +"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little +ashamed. "Hallo! George, Frederic, Augustus, come upstairs this +instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, +which this young lady will show you." + +Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his +fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself seized +a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the carriage, and shouted +loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to hear, "John Brough is not +proud--no, no; and if his footmen are too high and mighty, he'll show +them a lesson of humility." + +Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks from +her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented herself +with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, whether John +Brough was not an angel of a man? + +In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her +departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back at +five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the window, and +beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was very strange, +because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and indeed had told me +repeatedly that either she or he must quit the house. Well, we went +upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried her tears and received us +with the most smiling of faces, and laughed and clapped her hands, and +danced, and shook Gus's hand. And what do you think the little rogue +proposed? I am blest if she did not say she would like to go to +Vauxhall! + +As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with fear +and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the circumstances which +had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been whisked away to Fulham in +Mr. Brough's splendid carriage-and-four. "Let her go," I am sorry to +say, said I; and indeed we relished our veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a +great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty did her dinner off plate at the +Rookery. + +We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing treat; +and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was prolonged for +three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for we were much +merrier and more comfortable without her. My little Mary used to make my +breakfast before I went to office of mornings; and on Sundays we had a +holiday, and saw the dear little children eat their boiled beef and +potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the beautiful music: but, beautiful +as it is, I think the children were a more beautiful sight still, and the +look of their innocent happy faces was better than the best sermon. On +week-days Mrs. Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the +evening on the _left_-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to +Holborn)--ay, and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two +young gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her; +and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up as a +monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and whiskers +all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and chattering to +her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory (not near such a +handsome thing then as it is now)--there was the man chattering and +ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus and I? And in the +twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says, my gentleman was seized by +the collar of his coat and found himself sprawling under a stand of +hackney-coaches; where all the watermen were grinning at him. The best +of it was, he left his _head of hair and whiskers_ in my hand: but Mary +said, "Don't be hard upon him, Samuel; it's only a Frenchman." And so we +gave him his wig back, which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and +carried to him as he lay in the straw. + +He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and "champ- +d'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his nose and +stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made everybody +laugh; and so the adventure ended. + +About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of which +I give a copy:-- + + "My Dear Nephew,--It was my earnest whish e'er this to have returned + to London, where I am sure you and my niece Titmarsh miss me very + much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the ways of + 'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every qualaty + requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can hardly + manidge, I am sure, without me. + + "Tell her _on no account_ to pay more than 6.5_d_. for the prime + pieces, 4.75_d_. for soup meat; and that the very best of London + butter is to be had for 8.5_d_.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin + you'll employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs. + Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my + yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two + ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my _hospatable_ host; + and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when Lord + Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most _sumptious + style_. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by turbit and + sammon with _immense boles of lobster-sauce_. Lobsters alone cost + 15_s_. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon, weighing, I'm sure, + 15 lbs., and _never seen_ at table again; not a bitt of pickled sammon + the hole weak afterwards. This kind of extravigance would _just suit_ + Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns _the candle at both + ends_. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you have an old aunt + who knows better, and has a long purse; without witch, I dare say, + _some_ folks would be glad to see her out of doors. I don't mean you, + Samuel, who have, I must say, been a dutiful nephew to me. Well, I + dare say I shan't live long, and some folks won't be sorry to have me + in my grave. + + "Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought it + might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who was called + in, said it was, he very much feared, _cumsumptive_; but gave me some + pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him--he lives + at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office hours--and present + him with 1_l_. 1_s_., with my compliments. I have no money here but a + 10_l_. note, the rest being locked up in my box at Lamb's Cundit + Street. + + "Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious + establishment, I can assure you the _sperrit_ is likewise cared for. + Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises + refresh the hungry sole before breakfast! Everything is in the + handsomest style,--silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and + dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word + _Industria_, meaning industry, on _everything_--even on the chany + juggs and things in my bedd-room. On Sunday we were favoured by a + special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist + Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon in + Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have always + been a staunch supporter of the established Church of England and + Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was far superior to + that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the Establishment, who lifted up + his voice after dinner for a short discourse of two hours. + + "Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no + sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I + promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not Mr. + B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy. + + "I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so + welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the + world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose to + walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind enough + to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to wander both to + Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful works of nature. I + have spoke to him about the Slopperton property, and he is not of Mr. + B.'s opinion that I should sell it; but on this point I shall follow + my own counsel. + + "Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my + bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the + grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn it + against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for + herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns you + gave her, but keep them until _better times_. I shall soon introduse + her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my acquaintances; and am + always + + "Your loving AUNT. + + "I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from Somersetshire. + When it comes, please to send half down here (paying the carriage, of + course). 'Twill be an acceptable present to my kind entertainer, Mr. + B." + +This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, who +apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence; for the +letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he opened it +without looking at the superscription. Of course he had not read it, and +I was glad of that; for I should not have liked him to see my aunt's +opinion of his daughter and lady. + +The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent me word +at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me: and I stopped +thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the house of Hodge and +Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet-bag between his legs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a piece of +news for you regarding her property which you ought to know. She wrote +us down a letter for a chest of that home-made wine of hers which she +calls Rosolio, and which lies in our warehouse along with her furniture." + +"Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she likes +for me. I cede all my right." + +"Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us to a +deuced inconvenience, to be sure--it's not that: but, in the postscript +of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton and Squashtail +estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing her capital +elsewhere." + +I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the source of +a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for Aunt was always +at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her litigious spirit; so +that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale of it did not seem to me +to be quite disinterested. + +"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me with +this fact? It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my aunt's +instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult with her on +this subject." + +"'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of her +property, she will hand over the money to Brough; and if Brough gets the +money he--" + +"Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,--there's no harm +in that." + +"But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man, +certainly--very warm--quite respectable--most undoubtedly respectable. +But who knows? A panic may take place; and then these five hundred +companies in which he is engaged may bring him to ruin. There's the +Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a director: awkward reports are +abroad concerning it. The Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet +Company--the shares are down very low, and Brough is a director there. +The Patent Pump Company--shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody +will pay." + +"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand +pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is THAT at +a discount? Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in that +speculation, I should like to know?" I had him there. + +"Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has brought +you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank us for the +interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and Miss Hodge +has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't intend to rebuke us +for making your fortune, do you?" + +"No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a glass +of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith. + +Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, "mark my +words, and take your aunt _away from the Rookery_. She wrote to Mrs. S. +a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out there,--the +Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her. He was tried at +Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly escaped with his +neck. Have a care of him--he has an eye to her money." + +"Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for yourself." + +He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as he +returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said, "I have only two favours to ask +of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to any living soul; and +the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb's Conduit Street with your +pretty wife." + +"I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. "But if you dine with us, +your arrival in town must be known, for my friend Gus Hoskins dines with +us likewise; and has done so nearly every day since my aunt went." + +He laughed too, and said, "We must swear Gus to secrecy over a bottle." +And so we parted till dinner-time. + +The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was +supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was disinterested in +the matter--more than disinterested, for she would have given a great +deal to be spared my aunt's company. But she said she saw the force of +Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted their justice with a sigh. +However, I rode my high horse, and vowed that my aunt should do what she +liked with her money; and that I was not the man who would influence her +in any way in the disposal of it. + +After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that +Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about +Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us. "You are a +lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this charming +young couple," said Smithers; and Gus confessed he was, and said he had +dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that a better and more +hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I state not to trumpet my +own praises,--no, no; but because these questions of Smithers's had a +good deal to do with the subsequent events narrated in this little +history. + +Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that +Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his legs +under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to the door, which we did +not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we hoped might be for +the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into the room but Mrs. +Hoggarty herself! Gus, who was blowing the froth off a pot of porter +preparatory to a delicious drink of the beverage, and had been making us +die of laughing with his stories and jokes, laid down the pewter pot as +Mrs. H. came in, and looked quite sick and pale. Indeed we all felt a +little uneasy. + +My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and +saying, "It is too true--my poor boy--_already_!" flung herself +hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she would +never never leave me. + +I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation on +Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us. She refused Mary's hand when +the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and when Gus timidly said, "I +think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and perhaps--had better go," Mrs. +H. looked him full in the face, pointed to the door majestically with her +forefinger, and said, "I think, sir, you _had_ better go." + +"I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife, with +spirit. + +"_Of course_ you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very sarcastic. +But Mary's speech and my aunt's were quite lost upon Gus; for he had +instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling downstairs. + +The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of tears, and +by my aunt's repeating the assertion that it was not too late, she +trusted; and from that day forth she would never never leave me. + +"What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?" said I to Mary that +night, as we were in our own room; but my wife protested she did not +know: and it was only some time after that I found out the reason of this +quarrel, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance. + +The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a very good +joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter of Hickson, +Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted in my Memoirs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty in +Brough's clutches at the Rookery, and I was determined to have her away. +I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one stone as it were. +It was quite clear to me that the Reverend Grimes Wapshot had an eye to +your aunt's fortune; and that Mr. Brough had similar predatory intentions +regarding her. Predatory is a mild word, Sam: if I had said robbery at +once, I should express my meaning clearer. + +"Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the +lodgings of the reverend gentleman. 'Sir,' said I, on finding that +worthy gent,--he was drinking warm brandy-and-water, Sam, at two o'clock +in the day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of that +beverage--'Sir,' says I, 'you were tried for forgery in the year '14, at +Lancaster assizes.' + +"'And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence made clear,' said +Wapshot. + +"'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I, 'and +passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.' I knew the fellow's +history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a preacher at +Clifton. I followed up my blow. 'Mr. Wapshot,' said I, 'you are making +love to an excellent lady now at the house of Mr. Brough: if you do not +promise to give up all pursuit of her, I will expose you.' + +"'I _have_ promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking more +easy. 'I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, who was with me +this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing. Oh, sir, it +would have frightened you to hear a Christian babe like him swear as he +did.' + +"'Mr. Brough been here?' says I, rather astonished. + +"'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says Wapshot. 'You +want to marry the widow with the Slopperton and Squashtail estate, do +you? Well, well, have your way. I've promised not to have anything more +to do with the widow and a Wapshot's honour is sacred.' + +"'I suppose, sir,' says I, 'Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you out of +doors, if you call again.' + +"'You _have_ been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a shrug: +then I remembered what you had told me of the broken seal of your letter, +and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened and read every word +of it. + +"Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had a shot at +him. Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery; and off I went, primed and +loaded, sir,--primed and loaded. + +"It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the lodge- +gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery--that of your +respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable ladies of the house +before I saw her; because look, friend Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's +letter, that she and they were at daggers drawn, and hoped to get her out +of the house at once by means of a quarrel with them." + +I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow. + +"As luck would have it," continued he, "Miss Brough was in the drawing- +room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously out of tune; but +as I entered at the door, I cried 'Hush!' to the footman, as loud as +possible, stood stock-still, and then walked forward on tip-toe lightly. +Miss B. could see in the glass every movement that I made; she pretended +not to see, however, and finished the song with a regular roulade. + +"'Gracious Heaven!' said I, 'do, madam, pardon me for interrupting that +delicious harmony,--for coming unaware upon it, for daring uninvited to +listen to it.' + +"'Do you come for Mamma, sir?' said Miss Brough, with as much +graciousness as her physiognomy could command. 'I am Miss Brough, sir.' + +"'I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regarding my +business until you have sung another charming strain.' + +"She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, 'La! sir, what is your +business?' + +"'My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in this +house.' + +"'Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell, and +ringing it. 'John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the shrubbery; here is a +gentleman who wants to see her.' + +"'I know,' continued I, 'Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well as anyone, +madam; and aware that those and her education are not such as to make her +a fit companion for you. I know you do not like her: she has written to +us in Somersetshire that you do not like her.' + +"'What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?' cried Miss +Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate). 'If she does not +like us, why does she not leave us?' + +"'She _has_ made rather a long visit,' said I; 'and I am sure that her +nephew and niece are longing for her return. Pray, madam, do not move, +for you may aid me in the object for which I come.' + +"The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular +battle-royal between the two ladies; at the end of which I intended to +appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer to stay +in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy differences. +Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought,--Miss Belinda opening the fire, +by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been calumniating her to her +friends. But though at the end of it Miss rushed out of the room in a +rage, and vowed she would leave her home unless that odious woman left +it, your dear aunt said, 'Ha, ha! I know the minx's vile stratagems; +but, thank Heaven! I have a good heart, and my religion enables me to +forgive her. I shall not leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my +departure that worthy admirable man.' + +"I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. 'Your niece,' said I, +'Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, Sam says, rather +poorly,--qualmish of mornings, madam,--a little nervous, and low in +spirits,--symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a young +married person.' + +"Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would send Mrs. +Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would do her good. + +"With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last reserve +into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam my boy, now that the +matter is so long passed. 'Madam,' said I, 'there's a matter about which +I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare. I dined with your nephew +yesterday, and met at his table a young man--a young man of low manners, +but evidently one who has blinded your nephew, and I too much fear has +succeeded in making an impression upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, +madam; and when I state that he who was never in the house during your +presence there, has dined with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in +three weeks, I may leave you to imagine what I dare not--dare not imagine +myself.' + +"The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes more +was in my carriage, on our way back to London. There, sir, was not that +generalship?" + +"And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr. +Smithers," said I. + +"At your wife's expense, certainly; but for the benefit of both of you." + +"It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that the +affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, Mr. Smithers, I would +have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of!" + +But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her +relatives; and this was the reason why we took that house in Bernard +Street, the doings at which must now he described. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF + +We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my aunt +sent for all her furniture from the country; which would have filled two +such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young housekeepers, as we +had only to pay the carriage of the goods from Bristol. + +When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year's dividend, having not for +four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she gave me +50_l_. of the 80_l_., and told me that was ample pay for the board and +lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not eat more than a +sparrow. + +I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a pudding; +but she was rich and I could not complain. If she saved 600_l_. a year, +at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings would one day come +to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and tried to manage matters +as well as we might. It was no easy task to keep a mansion in Bernard +Street and save money out of 470_l_. a year, which was my income. But +what a lucky fellow I was to have such an income! + +As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr. Brough, +with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I should like to +have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the one was carrying the +other's prey off, out of his own very den, under his very nose. + +He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not leave +the house until she left it with him: that he had heard of his daughter's +infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears--"in tears, madam, and on her +knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!" But Mr. B. was obliged to leave +the house without my aunt, who had a _causa major_ for staying, and +hardly allowed poor Mary out of her sight,--opening every one of the +letters that came into the house directed to my wife, and suspecting hers +to everybody. Mary never told me of all this pain for many many years +afterwards; but had always a smiling face for her husband when he came +home from his work. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that +he never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived there; +but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as fond as he +was of me. + +Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with me. +He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before the gents of +the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that I was not only +a servant, but a considerable shareholder in the company; that I defied +him to find fault with my work or my regularity; and that I was not +minded to receive any insolent language from him or any man. He said it +was always so: that he had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but +the ingrate had turned on him; that he was accustomed to wrong and +undutifulness from his children, and that he would pray that the sin +might be forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing and swearing +at me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoeblack. But, look you, +I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's airs, or of +his. With me they might act as they thought fit; but I did not choose +that my wife should be passed over by them, as she had been in the matter +of the visit to Fulham. + +Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. "Beware of these men," +said he; "but for my honesty, your aunt's landed property would have been +sacrificed by these cormorants: and when, for her benefit--which you, +obstinate young man, will not perceive--I wished to dispose of her land, +her attorneys actually had the audacity--the unchristian avarice I may +say--to ask ten per cent. commission on the sale." + +There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when rogues +fall out, honest men come by their own: and now I began to suspect, I am +sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director had a little of the +rogue in their composition. It was especially about my wife's fortune +that Mr. B. showed _his_ cloven foot: for proposing, as usual, that I +should purchase shares with it in our Company, I told him that my wife +was a minor, and as such her little fortune was vested out of my control +altogether. He flung away in a rage at this; and I soon saw that he did +not care for me any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, +no more advances of money, had I: on the contrary, the private clerkship +at 150_l_. was abolished, and I found myself on my 250_l_. a year again. +Well, what then? it was always a good income, and I did my duty, and +laughed at the Director. + +About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer +Company shut up shop--exploded, as Gus said, with a bang! The Patent +Pump shares were down to 15_l_. upon a paid-up capital of 65_l_. Still +ours were at a high premium; and the Independent West Diddlesex held its +head up as proudly as any office in London. Roundhand's abuse had had +some influence against the Director, certainly; for he hinted at +malversation of shares: but the Company still stood as united as the Hand- +in-Hand, and as firm as the Rock. + +To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell Square: my +aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms; and my aunt's enormous old +jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and half the strings broken, +occupied three-fourths of the little drawing-room. Here used Mrs. H. to +sit, and play us, for hours, sonatas that were in fashion in Lord +Charleville's time; and sung with a cracked voice, till it was all that +we could do to refrain from laughing. + +And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs. +Hoggarty's character now: for whereas she was in the country among the +topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea-party at six +and a game of twopenny whist afterwards,--in London she would never dine +till seven; would have a fly from the mews to drive in the Park twice a +week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and twisted over and over, all her old +gowns, flounces, caps, and fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning +till night altering them to the present mode. Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, +appeared in a new wig; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a +pair of red cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people +in Bernard Street stare, where they are not as yet used to such fashions. + +Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery,--a boy, +that is, of about sixteen,--who was dressed in one of the old liveries +that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, decorated with new +cuffs and collars, and new buttons: on the latter were represented the +united crests of the Titmarshes and Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and +a hog in armour. I thought this livery and crest-button rather absurd, I +must confess; though my family is very ancient. And heavens! what a roar +of laughter was raised in the office one day, when the little servant in +the big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a message +from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty! Furthermore, all letters were +delivered on a silver tray. If we had had a baby, I believe Aunt would +have had it down on the tray: but there was as yet no foundation for Mr. +Smithers's insinuation upon that score, any more than for his other +cowardly fabrication before narrated. Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely +up and down the New Road, with the boy following with his great +gold-headed stick; but though there was all this ceremony and parade, and +Aunt still talked of her acquaintances, we did not see a single person +from week's end to week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could +hardly be found in London town. + +On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then just +built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre; and of evenings, to a +meeting-house of the Anabaptists: and that day, at least, Mary and I had +to ourselves,--for we chose to have seats at the Foundling, and heard the +charming music there, and my wife used to look wistfully in the pretty +children's faces,--and so, for the matter of that, did I. It was not, +however, till a year after our marriage that she spoke in a way which +shall be here passed over, but which filled both her and me with +inexpressible joy. + +I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the Muff and +Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of 300,000_l_. as some +said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty with some Indians, who +had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the Company. Some people said +there were no Indians, and no agent to be tomahawked at all; but that the +whole had been invented in a house in Crutched Friars. Well, I pitied +poor Tidd, whose 20,000_l_. were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in +the City that day with a most ghastly face. He had 1,000_l_. of debts, +he said, and talked of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and +passed a long time in the Fleet. Mary's delightful news, however, soon +put Tidd and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my head; as you may +fancy. + +Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed to +show that our Director was--what is not to be found in Johnson's +Dictionary--rather shaky. Three of his companies had broken; four more +were in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the meetings of the +directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words passed, which ended in +the retirement of several of the board. Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up +their places: Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, Mr. Query, and other respectable +gents, coming forward and joining the concern. Brough and Hoff dissolved +partnership; and Mr. B. said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. +W. D., and intended gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, +such an Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the +parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the +seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director of the +late companies. + +Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs. +Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to say, +although we had my Lord Tiptoff's word to the contrary, she insisted upon +it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related; and no sooner did she +read in the _Morning Post_ of the arrival of her Ladyship and her +granddaughters in London, than she ordered the fly before mentioned, and +left cards at their respective houses: her card, that is--"MRS. HOGGARTY +of CASTLE HOGGARTY," magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and +flourishes; and ours, viz., "Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had +printed for the purpose. + +She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way +upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to the contrary, had the footman +who received her card given her the least encouragement; but that +functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her appearance, placed +himself in the front of the door, and declared that he had positive +orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. On which Mrs. Hoggarty +clenched her fist out of the coach-window, and promised that she would +have him turned away. + +Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote a most +indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the insolence of +the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. Preston did not take any +notice of her letter, further than to return it, with a desire that he +might not be troubled with such impertinent visits for the future. A +pretty day we had of it when this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's +disappointment and rage in reading the contents; for when Solomon brought +up the note on the silver tea-tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. +Preston's seal and name at the corner of the letter (which is the common +way of writing adopted by those official gents)--my aunt, I say, seeing +his name and seal, cried, "_Now_, Mary, who is right?" and betted my wife +a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to dinner. She +never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but contented herself by +abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor-spirited sneak for not +instantly horsewhipping Mr. P. A pretty joke, indeed! They would have +hanged me in those days, as they did the man who shot Mr. Perceval. + +And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel life +which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty; but it must +be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting only for the brief +period of six months: and also, genteel society has been fully described +already by various authors of novels, whose names need not here be set +down, but who, being themselves connected with the aristocracy, viz., as +members of noble families, or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally +understand their subject a great deal better than a poor young fellow +from a fire-office can. + +There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. H. +would insist upon conducting us; and where, in a room of the +establishment called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents after the +music and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a pretty figure +did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big cane, among the +gentlemen of the shoulder-knot assembled in the lobby!)--where, I say, in +the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to +her, and insisted upon claiming relationship with her Ladyship. But my +Lady Drum had only a memory when she chose, as I may say, and had +entirely on this occasion thought fit to forget her connection with the +Titmarshes and Hoggarties. Far from recognising us, indeed, she called +Mrs. Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible for a +police-officer. + +This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this wicked +world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really serious +society. She formed several very valuable acquaintances, she said, at +the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon her friend of the +Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did not know then the interview which he +had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did Grimes think proper to acquaint us +with the particulars of it; but though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the +fact that her favourite preacher had been tried for forgery, _she_ +replied that she considered the story an atrocious calumny; and _he_ +answered by saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that +we should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of which +he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend gentleman's guidance +and advice, she, after a time, separated from St. Pancras +altogether--"_sat under him_," as the phrase is, regularly thrice a +week--began to labour in the conversion of the poor of Bloomsbury and St. +Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen for distribution among those +benighted people. She did not make any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, +who now showed signs that such would be speedily necessary, but let Mary +(and my mother and sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite +for the coming event. I am not, indeed, sure that she did not say it was +wrong on our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let +the morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend Grimes Wapshot +drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined there even +oftener than poor Gus used to do. + +But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I must +confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my circumstances, +and was much harassed both as a private and public character. + +As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50_l_.; but out of that +50_l_. I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, all the carriage +of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, and carpeting of +my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the Reverend Grimes and +his friends (for the reverend gent said that Rosolio did not agree with +him); and finally, a thousand small bills and expenses incident to all +housekeepers in the town of London. + +Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of cash, +Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs. Howell and James's ditto, the account +of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for the setting of the +diamond pin. All these bills arrived in a week, as they have a knack of +doing; and fancy my astonishment in presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, +when she said, "Well, my dear, you are in the receipt of a very fine +income. If you choose to order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, +you must pay for them; and don't expect that _I_ am to abet your +extravagance, or give you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay +you for board and lodging!" + +How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary in +such a delicate condition? And bad as matters were at home, I am sorry +to say at the office they began to look still worse. + +Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego became +head clerk: and one day old Abednego came to the place and was shown into +the directors' private room; when he left it, he came trembling, +chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun, "Shentlemen--" a +speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr. Brough, with an +imploring look, and crying out, "Stop till Saturday!" at length got him +into the street. + +On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became head +clerk with 400_l_. a year salary. It was a fatal week for the office, +too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the head desk, and my +first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the first thing I read was, +"Frightful fire in Houndsditch! Total destruction of Mr. Meshach's +sealing-wax manufactory and of Mr. Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining. +In the former was 20,000_l_. worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the +voracious element attacked and devoured in a twinkling. The latter +estimable gentleman had just completed forty thousand suits of clothes +for the cavalry of H.H. the Cacique of Poyais." + +Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, were +insured in our office to the full amount of their loss. The calamity was +attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish watchman, who was +employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle of whisky in the +warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously looked for the liquor +with a lighted candle. The man was brought to our office by his +employers; and certainly, as we all could testify, was _even then_ in a +state of frightful intoxication. + +As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the demise +of Alderman Pash--Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him in our lighter +hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such a moment as this was +no time for joking! He was insured by our house for 5,000_l_. And now I +saw very well the truth of a remark of Gus's--viz., that life-assurance +companies go on excellently for a year or two after their establishment, +but that it is much more difficult to make them profitable when the +assured parties begin to die. + +The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the +Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the Company +of 80,000_l_., and though the Patent Erostratus Match Manufactory had +exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000_l_., there were those who +said that the loss had not been near so heavy as was supposed--nay, that +the Company had burnt the above-named establishments as advertisements +for themselves. Of these facts I can't be positive, having never seen +the early accounts of the concern. + +Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as dismal +as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and-four, laughing +and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the door. + +"Gentlemen!" said he, "you have read the papers; they announce an event +which I most deeply deplore. I mean the demise of the excellent Alderman +Pash, one of our constituents. But if anything can console me for the +loss of that worthy man, it is to think that his children and widow will +receive, at eleven o'clock next Saturday, 5,000_l_. from my friend Mr. +Titmarsh, who is now head clerk here. As for the accident which has +happened to Messrs. Shadrach and Meshach,--in _that_, at least, there is +nothing that can occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as +soon as the particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, +my friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of +forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds--according to the +amount of their loss. _They_, at least, will be remunerated; and though +to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, yet we can +afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can afford it himself, for the matter +of that, and not be very much embarrassed; and we must learn to bear ill- +fortune as we have hitherto borne good, and show ourselves to be men +always!" + +Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like to +give here; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common worldly +matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring it to bear +witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious hypocrite does, is such a +frightful crime, that one should be careful even in alluding to it. + +Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the newspapers of that +very evening; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for none of our +gents left the office that day until the evening papers had appeared. But +there was the speech--ay, and at the week's end, although Roundhand was +heard on 'Change that day declaring he would bet five to one that +Alderman Pash's money would never be paid,--at the week's end the money +was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor across the counter, and no doubt +Roundhand lost his money. + +Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no harm in +mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of time; and +moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead. + +As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's room, +and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his confidence. + +"Titmarsh my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in the +face, "did you ever hear of the fate of the great Mr. Silberschmidt of +London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silberschmidt, the Rothschild of his day +(indeed I have heard the latter famous gent was originally a clerk in +Silberschmidt's house)--Silberschmidt, fancying he could not meet his +engagements, committed suicide; and had he lived till four o'clock that +day, would have known that he was worth 400,000_l_. "To tell you frankly +the truth," says Mr. B., "I am in Silberschmidt's case. My late partner, +Hoff, has given bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount, and +I have been obliged to meet them. I have been cast in fourteen actions, +brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer Company; and all the +debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth. Now, +unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the long and short of the matter is +that if I cannot procure 5,000_l_. before Saturday, _our concern is +ruined_!" + +"What! the West Diddlesex ruined?" says I, thinking of my poor mother's +annuity. "Impossible! our business is splendid!" + +"We must have 5,000_l_. on Saturday, and we are saved; and if you will, +as you can, get it for me, I will give you 10,000_l_. for the money!" + +B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and his own +private account; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt, that with the +5,000_l_. our office must be set a-going; and without it, that the +concern must stop. No matter how he proved the thing; but there is, you +know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but leave to use figures, +and he will prove anything. + +I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she seemed +not to be disinclined. I told him so; and that day he called upon her, +his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon her, and once more the +Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our house. + +But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager; and, instead of carrying matters with +a high hand, fairly burst into tears before Mrs. Hoggarty, and went down +on her knees and besought her to save dear John. This at once aroused my +aunt's suspicions; and instead of lending the money, she wrote off to Mr. +Smithers instantly to come up to her, desired me to give her up the +3,000_l_. scrip shares that I possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and +heartless swindler, and vowed I had been the cause of her ruin. + +How was Mr. Brough to get the money? I will tell you. Being in his room +one day, old Gates the Fulham porter came and brought him from Mr. Balls, +the pawnbroker, a sum of 1,200_l_. Missus told him, he said, to carry +the plate to Mr. Balls; and having paid the money, old Gates fumbled a +great deal in his pockets, and at last pulled out a 5_l_. note, which he +said his daughter Jane had just sent him from service, and begged Mr. B. +would let him have another share in the Company. "He was mortal sure it +would go right yet. And when he heard master crying and cursing as he +and missus were walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want of +a few pounds--a few shillings--the finest fortune in Europe was to be +overthrown, why Gates and his woman thought that they should come +for'ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest master and +missus ever was." + +This was the substance of Gates's speech; and Mr. Brough shook his hand +and--took the 5_l_. "Gates," said he, "that 5_l_. note shall be the best +outlay you ever made in your life!" and I have no doubt it was,--but it +was in heaven that poor old Gates was to get the interest of his little +mite. + +Nor was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss Dough, who +had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever since he had risen to +be a great man, came to the office with a power of attorney, and said, +"John, Isabella has been with me this morning, and says you want money, +and I have brought you my 4,000_l_.; it is all I have, John, and pray God +it may do you good--you and my dear sister, who was the best sister in +the world to me--till--till a little time ago." + +And she laid down the paper: I was called up to witness it, and Brough, +with tears in his eyes, told me her words; for he could trust me, he +said. And thus it was that I came to be present at Gates's interview +with his master, which took place only an hour afterwards. Brave Mrs. +Brough! how she was working for her husband! Good woman, and kind! but +_you_ had a true heart, and merited a better fate! Though wherefore say +so? The woman, to this day, thinks her husband an angel, and loves him a +thousand times better for his misfortunes. + +On Saturday, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me across the counter, +as I said. "Never mind your aunt's money, Titmarsh my boy," said Brough: +"never mind her having resumed her shares. You are a true honest fellow; +you have never abused me like that pack of curs downstairs, and I'll make +your fortune yet!" + +* * * * * + +The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, and with +Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea comfortably, a knock was heard at the door, +and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the parlour. It was Mr. +Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as a shareholder of the +Independent West Diddlesex Association, at the suit of Von Stiltz of +Clifford Street, tailor and draper. + +I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven's sake not to tell Mary. + +"Where is Brough?" says Mr. Smithers. + +"Why," says Mr. Aminadab, "he's once more of the firm of Brough and Off, +sir--he breakfasted at Calais this morning!" + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND AND YET BE VERY HARD +PRESSED FOR A DINNER + +On that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackney-coach, fetched from the +Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable house and my dear little wife; +whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might. He said that I was +compelled to take a journey upon business connected with the office; and +my poor Mary made up a little portmanteau of clothes, and tied a +comforter round my neck, and bade my companion particularly to keep the +coach windows shut: which injunction the grinning wretch promised to +obey. Our journey was not long: it was only a shilling fare to Cursitor +Street, Chancery Lane, and there I was set down. + +The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of half-a- +dozen in that street which were used for the same purpose. No man, be he +ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I think, without a +shudder. The front windows are barred, and on the dingy pillar of the +door was a shining brass-plate, setting forth that "Aminadab, Officer to +the Sheriff of Middlesex," lived therein. A little red-haired Israelite +opened the first door as our coach drove up, and received me and my +baggage. + +As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself in the +face of another huge door, which was strongly locked; and, at last, +passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house. + +There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand other +houses in our dark City of London. There was a dirty passage and a dirty +stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into two filthy rooms, +which had strong bars at the windows, and yet withal an air of horrible +finery that makes me uncomfortable to think of even yet. On the walls +hung all sorts of trumpery pictures in tawdry frames (how different from +those capital performances of my cousin Michael Angelo!); on the +mantelpiece huge French clocks, vases, and candlesticks; on the +sideboards, enormous trays of Birmingham plated ware: for Mr. Aminadab +not only arrested those who could not pay money, but lent it to those who +could; and had already, in the way of trade, sold and bought these +articles many times over. + +I agreed to take the back-parlour for the night, and while a Hebrew +damsel was arranging a little dusky sofa-bedstead (woe betide him who has +to sleep on it!) I was invited into the front parlour, where Mr. +Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I should have a dinner for +nothing with a party who had just arrived. I did not want for dinner, +but I was glad not to be alone--not alone, even till Gus came; for whom I +despatched a messenger to his lodgings hard by. + +I found there, in the front parlour, at eight o'clock in the evening, +four gentlemen, just about to sit down to dinner. Surprising! there was +Mr. B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only within half-an-hour arrived +in a post-chaise with his companion, Mr. Lock, an officer of Horsham +gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in this wise:--He was a careless good-humoured +gentleman, and had indorsed bills to a large amount for a friend; who, a +man of high family and unquestionable honour, had pledged the latter, +along with a number of the most solemn oaths, for the payment of the +bills in question. Having indorsed the notes, young Mr. B., with a +proper thoughtlessness, forgot all about them, and so, by some chance, +did the friend whom he obliged; for, instead of being in London with the +money for the payment of his obligations, this latter gentleman was +travelling abroad, and never hinted one word to Mr. B. that the notes +would fall upon him. The young gentleman was at Brighton lying sick of a +fever; was taken from his bed by a bailiff, and carried, on a rainy day, +to Horsham gaol; had a relapse of his complaint, and when sufficiently +recovered, was brought up to London to the house of Mr. Aminadab; where I +found him--a pale, thin, good-humoured, _lost_ young man: he was lying on +a sofa, and had given orders for the dinner to which I was invited. The +lad's face gave one pain to look at; it was impossible not to see that +his hours were numbered. + +Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story; but I can't help +mentioning him, as I saw him. He sent for his lawyer and his doctor; the +former settled speedily his accounts with the bailiff, and the latter +arranged all his earthly accounts: for after he went from the spunging- +house he never recovered from the shock of the arrest, and in a few weeks +he _died_. And though this circumstance took place many years ago, I +can't forget it to my dying day; and often see the author of Mr. B.'s +death,--a prosperous gentleman, riding a fine horse in the Park, lounging +at the window of a club; with many friends, no doubt, and a good +reputation. I wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with a good +appetite? I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.'s heirs the sum which that +gentleman paid, and _died for_? + +If Mr. B.'s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only inserted +here for the sake of a moral, what business have I to mention particulars +of the dinner to which I was treated by that gentleman, in the spunging- +house in Cursitor Street? Why, for the moral too; and therefore the +public must be told of what really and truly that dinner consisted. + +There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup: viz., +mock-turtle soup, ox-tail soup, and giblet soup. Next came a great piece +of salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a roast saddle of +mutton, roast game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In this way can a +gentleman live in a spunging-house if he be inclined; and over this +repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let alone having dined, +my heart was full of care)--over this meal my friend Gus Hoskins found +me, when he received the letter that I had despatched to him. + +Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart failed him as +the red-headed young Moses opened and shut for him the numerous iron +outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind a bottle of claret, in a +room blazing with gilt lamps; the curtains were down too, and you could +not see the bars at the windows; and Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton +officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another rich gentleman of his trade and +religious persuasion, were chirping as merrily, and looked as +respectably, as any noblemen in the land. + +"Have him in," said Mr. B., "if he's a friend of Mr. Titmarsh's; for, +cuss me, I like to see a rogue: and run me through, Titmarsh, but I think +you are one of the best in London. You beat Brough; you do, by Jove! for +he looks like a rogue--anybody would swear to him; but you! by Jove, you +look the very picture of honesty!" + +"A deep file," said Aminadab, winking and pointing me out to his friend +Mr. Jehoshaphat. + +"A good one," says Jehoshaphat. + +"In for three hundred thousand pound," says Aminadab: "Brough's right- +hand man, and only three-and-twenty." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your 'ealth, sir," says Mr. Lock, in an ecstasy of +admiration. "Your very good 'earth, sir, and better luck to you next +time." + +"Pooh, pooh! _he's_ all right," says Aminadab; "let _him_ alone." + +"In for _what_?" shouted I, quite amazed. "Why, sir, you arrested me for +90_l_." + +"Yes, but you are in for half a million,--you know you are. _Them_ debts +I don't count--them paltry tradesmen's accounts. I mean Brough's +business. It's an ugly one; but you'll get through it. We all know you; +and I lay my life that when you come through the court, Mrs. Titmarsh has +got a handsome thing laid by." + +"Mrs. Titmarsh has a small property," says I. "What then?" + +The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a "rum chap"--a +"downy cove," and made other remarks which I could not understand then; +but the meaning of which I have since comprehended, for they took me to +be a great rascal, I am sorry to say, and supposed that I had robbed the +I. W. D. Association, and, in order to make my money secure, settled it +on my wife. + +It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus came in; +and whew! when he saw what was going on, he gave _such_ a whistle! + +"Herr von Joel, by Jove!" says Aminadab. At which all laughed. + +"Sit down," says Mr. B.,--"sit down, and wet your whistle, my piper! I +say, egad! you're the piper that played before Moses! Had you there, +Dab. Dab, get a fresh bottle of Burgundy for Mr. Hoskins." And before +he knew where he was, there was Gus for the first time in his life +drinking Clos-Vougeot. Gus said he had never tasted Bergamy before, at +which the bailiff sneered, and told him the name of the wine. + +"_Old Clo_! What?" says Gus; and we laughed: but the Hebrew gents did +not this time. + +"Come, come, sir!" says Mr. Aminadab's friend, "ve're all shentlemen +here, and shentlemen never makish reflexunsh upon other gentlemen'sh +pershuashunsh." + +After this feast was concluded, Gus and I retired to my room to consult +about my affairs. With regard to the responsibility incurred as a +shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy; for though the +matter might cause me a little trouble at first, I knew I was not a +shareholder; that the shares were scrip shares, making the dividend +payable to the bearer; and my aunt had called back her shares, and +consequently I was free. But it was very unpleasant to me to consider +that I was in debt nearly a hundred pounds to tradesmen, chiefly of Mrs. +Hoggarty's recommendation; and as she had promised to be answerable for +their bills, I determined to send her a letter reminding her of her +promise, and begging her at the same time to relieve me from Mr. Von +Stiltz's debt, for which I was arrested: and which was incurred not +certainly at her desire, but at Mr. Brough's; and would never have been +incurred by me but at the absolute demand of that gentleman. + +I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debts, and +promised myself on Monday morning again to be with my dear wife. Gus +carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Bernhard Street +after church-time; taking care that Mary should know nothing at all of +the painful situation in which I was placed. It was near midnight when +we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could in the dirty little +sofa-bedstead of Mr. Aminadab's back-parlour. + +That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells ringing +cheerfully for church, and longed to be walking to the Foundling with my +wife: but there were the three iron doors between me and liberty, and I +had nothing for it but to read my prayers in my own room, and walk up and +down afterwards in the court at the back of the house. Would you believe +it? This very court was like a cage! Great iron bars covered it in from +one end to another; and here it was that Mr. Aminadab's gaol-birds took +the air. + +They had seen me reading out of the prayer-book at the back-parlour +window, and all burst into a yell of laughter when I came to walk in the +cage. One of them shouted out "Amen!" when I appeared; another called me +a muff (which means, in the slang language, a very silly fellow); a third +wondered that I took to my prayer-book _yet_. + +"When do you mean, sir?" says I to the fellow--a rough man, a +horse-dealer. + +"Why, when you are going _to be hanged_, you young hypocrite!" says the +man. "But that is always the way with Brough's people," continued he. "I +had four greys once for him--a great bargain, but he would not go to look +at them at Tattersall's, nor speak a word of business about them, because +it was a Sunday." + +"Because there are hypocrites," sir, says I, "religion is not to be +considered a bad thing; and if Mr. Brough would not deal with you on a +Sunday, he certainly did his duty." + +The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently considered me +a great criminal. I was glad to be released from their society by the +appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore very long faces. They +were ushered into my room, and, without any orders of mine, a bottle of +wine and biscuits were brought in by Mr. Aminadab; which I really thought +was very kind of him. + +"Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh," says Smithers, "and read this +letter. A pretty note was that which you sent to your aunt this morning, +and here you have an answer to it." + +I drank the wine, and trembled rather as I read as follows:-- + + "Sir,--If, because you knew I had desined to leave you my proparty, + you wished to murdar me, and so stepp into it, you are dissapointed. + Your _villiany_ and _ingratitude would_ have murdard me, had I not, by + Heaven's grace, been inabled to look for consalation _elsewhere_. + + "For nearly a year I have been a _martar_ to you. I gave up + everything,--my happy home in the country, where all respected the + name of Hoggarty; my valuble furnitur and wines; my plate, glass, and + crockry; I brought all--all to make your home happy and rispectable. I + put up with the _airs and impertanencies_ of Mrs. Titmarsh; I loaded + her and you with presents and bennafits. I sacrafised myself; I gave + up the best sociaty in the land, to witch I have been accustomed, in + order to be a gardian and compannion to you, and prevent, if possible, + that _waist and ixtravygance_ which I _prophycied_ would be your ruin. + Such waist and ixtravygance never, never, never did I see. Buttar + waisted as if it had been dirt, coles flung away, candles burnt _at + both ends_, tea and meat the same. The butcher's bill in this house + was enough to support six famalies. + + "And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly for + your crimes,--for cheating me of 3,000_l_., for robbing your mother of + an insignificient summ, which to her, poor thing, was everything + (though she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her life next + door to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot pay, wherein + you knew that your miserable income was quite unable to support your + ixtravygance--you come upon me to pay your detts! No, sir, it is + quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, and that your + wife should sweep the streets, to which you have indeed brought them; + _I_, at least, though cheated by you of a large summ, and obliged to + pass my days in comparative ruin, can retire, and have some of the + comforts to which my rank entitles me. The furnitur in this house is + mine; and as I presume you intend _your lady_ to sleep in the streets, + I give you warning that I shall remove it all tomorrow. + + "Mr. Smithers will tell you that I had intended to leave you my intire + fortune. I have this morning, in his presents, solamly toar up my + will; and hereby renounce all connection with you and your beggarly + family. + + "SUSAN HOGGARTY. + + "P.S.--I took a viper into my bosom, _and it stung me_." + +I confess that, on the first reading of this letter, I was in such a fury +that I forgot almost the painful situation in which it plunged me, and +the ruin hanging over me. + +"What a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter!" said Mr. +Smithers. "You have cut your own throat, sir,--lost a fine +property,--written yourself out of five hundred a year. Mrs. Hoggarty, +my client, brought the will, as she says, downstairs, and flung it into +the fire before our faces." + +"It's a blessing that your wife was from home," added Gus. "She went to +church this morning with Dr. Salt's family, and sent word that she would +spend the day with them. She was always glad to be away from Mrs. H., +you know." + +"She never knew on which side her bread was buttered," said Mr. Smithers. +"You should have taken the lady when she was in the humour, sir, and have +borrowed the money elsewhere. Why, sir, I had almost reconciled her to +her loss in that cursed Company. I showed her how I had saved out of +Brough's claws the whole of her remaining fortune; which he would have +devoured in a day, the scoundrel! And if you would have left the matter +to me, Mr. Titmarsh, I would have had you reconciled completely to Mrs. +Hoggarty; I would have removed all your difficulties; I would have lent +you the pitiful sum of money myself." + +"Will you?" says Gus; "that's a trump!" and he seized Smithers's hand, +and squeezed it so that the tears came into the attorney's eyes. + +"Generous fellow!" said I; "lend me money, when you know what a situation +I am in, and not able to pay!" + +"Ay, my good sir, there's the rub!" says Mr. Smithers. "I said I _would_ +have lent the money; and so to the acknowledged heir of Mrs. Hoggarty I +would--would at this moment; for nothing delights the heart of Bob +Smithers more than to do a kindness. I would have rejoiced in doing it; +and a mere acknowledgment from that respected lady would have amply +sufficed. But now, sir, the case is altered,--you have no security to +offer, as you justly observe." + +"Not a whit, certainly." + +"And without security, sir, of course can expect no money--of course not. +You are a man of the world, Mr. Titmarsh, and I see our notions exactly +agree." + +"There's his wife's property," says Gus. + +"Wife's property? Bah! Mrs. Sam Titmarsh is a minor, and can't touch a +shilling of it. No, no, no meddling with minors for me! But stop!--your +mother has a house and shop in our village. Get me a mortgage of that--" + +"I'll do no such thing, sir," says I. "My mother has suffered quite +enough on my score already, and has my sisters to provide for; and I will +thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a syllable to her regarding my +present situation." + +"You speak like a man of honour, sir," says Mr. Smithers, "and I will +obey your injunctions to the letter. I will do more, sir. I will +introduce you to a respectable firm here, my worthy friends, Messrs. +Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, who will do everything in their power to +serve you. And so, sir, I wish you a very good morning." + +And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room; and after a +further consultation with my aunt, as I heard afterwards, quitted London +that evening by the mail. + +I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently to my +wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should speak of it abruptly to her; as I +knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an hour panting back, to +say that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her trunks, and had gone off in a +hackney-coach. So, knowing that my poor Mary was not to return till +night, Hoskins remained with me till then; and, after a dismal day, left +me once more at nine, to carry the dismal tidings to her. + +At ten o'clock on that night there was a great rattling and ringing at +the outer door, and presently my poor girl fell into my arms; and Gus +Hoskins sat blubbering in a corner, as I tried my best to console her. + +* * * * * + +The next morning I was favoured with a visit from Mr. Blatherwick; who, +hearing from me that I had only three guineas in my pocket, told me very +plainly that lawyers only lived by fees. He recommended me to quit +Cursitor Street, as living there was very expensive. And as I was +sitting very sad, my wife made her appearance (it was with great +difficulty that she could be brought to leave me the night previous)-- + +"The horrible men came at four this morning," said she; "four hours +before light." + +"What horrible men?" says I. + +"Your aunt's men," said she, "to remove the furniture they had it all +packed before I came away. And I let them carry all," said she; "I was +too sad to look what was ours and what was not. That odious Mr. Wapshot +was with them; and I left him seeing the last waggon-load from the door. +I have only brought away your clothes," added she, "and a few of mine; +and some of the books you used to like to read; and some--some things I +have been getting for the--for the baby. The servants' wages were paid +up to Christmas; and I paid them the rest. And see! just as I was going +away, the post came, and brought to me my half-year's income--35_l_., +dear Sam. Isn't it a blessing?" + +"Will you pay my bill, Mr. What-d'ye-call-'im?" here cried Mr. Aminadab, +flinging open the door (he had been consulting with Mr. Blatherwick, I +suppose). "I want the room for _a gentleman_. I guess it's too dear for +the like of you." And here--will you believe it?--the man handed me a +bill of three guineas for two days' board and lodging in his odious +house. + +* * * * * + +There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, and had +I been alone I should have been ashamed of seeing them; but, as it was, I +was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was leaning trustfully on my +arm, and smiling like heaven into my face--ay, and _took_ heaven, too, +into the Fleet prison with me--or an angel out of heaven. Ah! I had +loved her before, and happy it is to love when one is hopeful and young +in the midst of smiles and sunshine; but be _un_happy, and then see what +it is to be loved by a good woman! I declare before Heaven, that of all +the joys and happy moments it has given me, that was the crowning +one--that little ride, with my wife's cheek on my shoulder, down Holborn +to the prison! Do you think I cared for the bailiff that sat opposite? +No, by the Lord! I kissed her, and hugged her--yes, and cried with her +likewise. But before our ride was over her eyes dried up, and she +stepped blushing and happy out of the coach at the prison door, as if she +were a princess going to the Queen's Drawing-room. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +IN WHICH THE HERO'S AUNT'S DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE HERO'S +UNCLE + +The failure of the great Diddlesex Association speedily became the theme +of all the newspapers, and every person concerned in it was soon held up +to public abhorrence as a rascal and a swindler. It was said that Brough +had gone off with a million of money. Even it was hinted that poor I had +sent a hundred thousand pounds to America, and only waited to pass +through the court in order to be a rich man for the rest of my days. This +opinion had some supporters in the prison; where, strange to say, it +procured me consideration--of which, as may be supposed, I was little +inclined to avail myself. Mr. Aminadab, however, in his frequent visits +to the Fleet, persisted in saying that I was a poor-spirited creature, a +mere tool in Brough's hands, and had not saved a shilling. Opinions, +however, differed; and I believe it was considered by the turnkeys that I +was a fellow of exquisite dissimulation, who had put on the appearance of +poverty in order more effectually to mislead the public. + +Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public odium: and, in +fact, what were the exact dealings of these gentlemen with Mr. Brough I +have never been able to learn. It was proved by the books that large +sums of money had been paid to Mr. Abednego by the Company; but he +produced documents signed by Mr. Brough, which made the latter and the +West Diddlesex Association his debtors to a still further amount. On the +day I went to the Bankruptcy Court to be examined, Mr. Abednego and the +two gentlemen from Houndsditch were present to swear to their debts, and +made a sad noise, and uttered a vast number of oaths in attestation of +their claim. But Messrs. Jackson and Paxton produced against them that +very Irish porter who was said to have been the cause of the fire, and, I +am told, hinted that they had matter for hanging the Jewish gents if they +persisted in their demand. On this they disappeared altogether, and no +more was ever heard of their losses. I am inclined to believe that our +Director had had money from Abednego--had given him shares as bonus and +security--had been suddenly obliged to redeem these shares with ready +money; and so had precipitated the ruin of himself and the concern. It +is needless to say here in what a multiplicity of companies Brough was +engaged. That in which poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did not pay +2_d_. in the pound; and that was the largest dividend paid by any of +them. + +As for ours--ah! there was a pretty scene as I was brought from the Fleet +to the Bankruptcy Court, to give my testimony as late head clerk and +accountant of the West Diddlesex Association. + +My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompanying me to +Basinghall Street; and so did my friend Gus Hoskins, that true and honest +fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was assembled, and the hubbub +that was made as I was brought up! + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Commissioner as I came to the table, with a +peculiar sarcastic accent on the Tit--"Mr. Titmarsh, you were the +confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk of Mr. Brough, and a +considerable shareholder in the Company?" + +"Only a nominal one, sir," said I. + +"Of course, only nominal," continued the Commissioner, turning to his +colleague with a sneer; "and a great comfort it must be to you, sir, to +think that you had a share in all the plun--the profits of the +speculation, and now can free yourself from the losses, by saying you are +only a nominal shareholder." + +"The infernal villain!" shouted out a voice from the crowd. It was that +of the furious half-pay captain and late shareholder, Captain Sparr. + +"Silence in the court there!" the Commissioner continued: and all this +while Mary was anxiously looking in his face, and then in mine, as pale +as death; while Gus, on the contrary, was as red as vermilion. "Mr. +Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune to see a list of your debts from +the Insolvent Court, and find that you are indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the +great tailor, in a handsome sum; to Mr. Polonius, the celebrated +jeweller, likewise; to fashionable milliners and dressmakers, +moreover;--and all this upon a salary of 200_l_. per annum. For so young +a gentleman it must be confessed you have employed your time well." + +"Has this anything to do with the question, sir?" says I. "Am I here to +give an account of my private debts, or to speak as to what I know +regarding the affairs of the Company? As for my share in it, I have a +mother, sir, and many sisters--" + +"The d-d scoundrel!" shouts the Captain. + +"Silence that there fellow!" shouts Gus, as bold as brass; at which the +court burst out laughing, and this gave me courage to proceed. + +"My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of 400_l_. left to +her, advised with her solicitor, Mr. Smithers, how she should dispose of +this sum; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was just then +established, the money was placed in an annuity in that office, where I +procured a clerkship. You may suppose me a very hardened criminal, +because I have ordered clothes of Mr. Von Stiltz; but you will hardly +fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew anything of the concerns of the +Company into whose service I entered as twentieth clerk, my own mother's +money paying, as it were, for my place. Well, sir, the interest offered +by the Company was so tempting, that a rich relative of mine was induced +to purchase a number of shares." + +"Who induced your relative, if I may make so bold as to inquire?" + +"I can't help owning, sir," says I, blushing, "that I wrote a letter +myself. But consider, my relative was sixty years old, and I was twenty- +one. My relative took several months to consider, and had the advice of +her lawyers before she acceded to my request. And I made it at the +instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated the letter which I wrote, and who +I really thought then was as rich as Mr. Rothschild himself." + +"Your friend placed her money in your name; and you, if I mistake not, +Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed over the heads of twelve of your +fellow-clerks as a reward for your service in obtaining it?" + +"It is very true, sir,"--and, as I confessed it, poor Mary began to wipe +her eyes, and Gus's ears (I could not see his face) looked like two red- +hot muffins--"it's quite true, sir; and, as matters have turned out, I am +heartily sorry for what I did. But at the time I thought I could serve +my aunt as well as myself; and you must remember, then, how high our +shares were." + +"Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were straightway taken +into Mr. Brough's confidence. You were received into his house, and from +third clerk speedily became head clerk; in which post you were found at +the disappearance of your worthy patron!" + +"Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure; but here are a +hundred of our shareholders, and I'm not unwilling to make a clean breast +of it," said I, pressing Mary's hand. "I certainly was the head clerk. +And why? Because the other gents left the office. I certainly was +received into Mr. Brough's house. And why? Because, sir, my aunt _had +more money to lay out_. I see it all clearly now, though I could not +understand it then; and the proof that Mr. Brough wanted my aunt's money, +and not me, is that, when she came to town, our Director carried her by +force out of my house to Fulham, and never so much as thought of asking +me or my wife thither. Ay, sir, and he would have had her remaining +money, had not her lawyer from the country prevented her disposing of it. +Before the concern finally broke, and as soon as she heard there was +doubt concerning it, she took back her shares--scrip shares they were, +sir, as you know--and has disposed of them as she thought fit. Here, +sir, and gents," says I, "you have the whole of the history as far as +regards me. In order to get her only son a means of livelihood, my +mother placed her little money with the Company--it is lost. My aunt +invested larger sums with it, which were to have been mine one day, and +they are lost too; and here am I, at the end of four years, a disgraced +and ruined man. Is there anyone present, however much he has suffered by +the failure of the Company, that has had worse fortune through it than +I?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more friendly way, and +at the same time casting a glance at a newspaper reporter that was +sitting hard by, "your story is not likely to get into the newspapers; +for, as you say, it is a private affair, which you had no need to speak +of unless you thought proper, and may be considered as a confidential +conversation between us and the other gentlemen here. But if it _could_ +be made public, it might do some good, and warn people, if they _will_ be +warned, against the folly of such enterprises as that in which you have +been engaged. It is quite clear from your story, that you have been +deceived as grossly as anyone of the persons present. But look you, sir, +if you had not been so eager after gain, I think you would not have +allowed yourself to be deceived, and would have kept your relative's +money, and inherited it, according to your story, one day or other. +Directly people expect to make a large interest, their judgment seems to +desert them; and because they wish for profit, they think they are sure +of it, and disregard all warnings and all prudence. Besides the hundreds +of honest families who have been ruined by merely placing confidence in +this Association of yours, and who deserve the heartiest pity, there are +hundreds more who have embarked in it, like yourself, not for investment, +but for speculation; and these, upon my word, deserve the fate they have +met with. As long as dividends are paid, no questions are asked; and Mr. +Brough might have taken the money for his shareholders on the high-road, +and they would have pocketed it, and not been too curious. But what's +the use of talking?" says Mr. Commissioner, in a passion: "here is one +rogue detected, and a thousand dupes made; and if another swindler starts +to-morrow, there will be a thousand more of his victims round this table +a year hence; and so, I suppose, to the end. And now let's go to +business, gentlemen, and excuse this sermon." + +After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, other gents +who were employed in the concern were examined; and I went back to +prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We had to pass through the +crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as I saw, amongst a score of +others, poor Gates, Brough's porter, who had advanced every shilling to +his master, and was now, with ten children, houseless and penniless in +his old age. Captain Sparr was in this neighbourhood, but by no means so +friendly disposed; for while Gates touched his hat, as if I had been a +lord, the little Captain came forward threatening with his bamboo-cane +and swearing with great oaths that I was an accomplice of Brough. "Curse +you for a smooth-faced scoundrel!" says he. "What business have you to +ruin an English gentleman, as you have me?" And again he advanced with +his stick. But this time, officer as he was, Gus took him by the collar, +and shoved him back, and said, "Look at the lady, you brute, and hold +your tongue!" And when he looked at my wife's situation, Captain Sparr +became redder for shame than he had before been for anger. "I'm sorry +she's married to such a good-for-nothing," muttered he, and fell back; +and my poor wife and I walked out of the court, and back to our dismal +room in the prison. + +It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to be confined in; and +I longed to have some of my relatives with her when her time should come. +But her grandmother could not leave the old lieutenant; and my mother had +written to say that, as Mrs. Hoggarty was with us, she was quite as well +at home with her children. "What a blessing it is for you, under your +misfortunes," continued the good soul, "to have the generous purse of +your aunt for succour!" Generous purse of my aunt, indeed! Where could +Mrs. Hoggarty be? It was evident that she had not written to any of her +friends in the country, nor gone thither, as she threatened. + +But as my mother had already lost so much money through my unfortunate +luck, and as she had enough to do with her little pittance to keep my +sisters at home; and as, on hearing of my condition, she would infallibly +have sold her last gown to bring me aid, Mary and I agreed that we would +not let her know what our real condition was--bad enough! Heaven knows, +and sad and cheerless. Old Lieutenant Smith had likewise nothing but his +half-pay and his rheumatism; so we were, in fact, quite friendless. + +That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me like +recollections of some fever. What an awful place!--not for the sadness, +strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of it; for the long +prison galleries were, I remember, full of life and a sort of grave +bustle. All day and all night doors were clapping to and fro; and you +heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. Next door to our room +was one where a man sold gin, under the name of _tape_; and here, from +morning till night, the people kept up a horrible revelry;--and sang--sad +songs some of them: but my dear little girl was, thank God! unable to +understand the most part of their ribaldry. She never used to go out +till nightfall; and all day she sat working at a little store of caps and +dresses for the expected stranger--and not, she says to this day, +unhappy. But the confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy +country air, and she grew daily paler and paler. + +The Fives Court was opposite our window; and here I used, very +unwillingly at first, but afterwards, I do confess, with much eagerness, +to take a couple of hours' daily sport. Ah! it was a strange place. +There was an aristocracy there as elsewhere,--amongst other gents, a son +of my Lord Deuce-ace; and many of the men in the prison were as eager to +walk with him, and talked of his family as knowingly, as if they were +Bond Street bucks. Poor Tidd, especially, was one of these. Of all his +fortune he had nothing left but a dressing-case and a flowered dressing- +gown; and to these possessions he added a fine pair of moustaches, with +which the poor creature strutted about; and though cursing his ill +fortune, was, I do believe, as happy whenever his friends brought him a +guinea, as he had been during his brief career as a gentleman on town. I +have seen sauntering dandies in watering-places ogling the women, +watching eagerly for steamboats and stage-coaches as if their lives +depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets up and down the +public walks. Well, there are such fellows in prison: quite as dandified +and foolish, only a little more shabby--dandies with dirty beards and +holes at their elbows. + +I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prison--I _dared_ +not, that was the fact. But our little stock of money was running low; +and my heart sickened to think what might be my dear wife's fate, and on +what sort of a couch our child might be born. But Heaven spared me that +pang,--Heaven, and my dear good friend, Gus Hoskins. + +The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me that I could +get leave to live in the rules of the Fleet, could I procure sureties to +the marshal of the prison for the amount of the detainer lodged against +me; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick hard in the face, he never +offered to give the bail for me, and I knew no housekeeper in London who +would procure it. There was, however, one whom I did not know,--and that +was old Mr. Hoskins, the leatherseller of Skinner Street, a kind fat +gentleman, who brought his fat wife to see Mrs. Titmarsh; and though the +lady gave herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free of the +Skinners' Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, Lord Mayor of +the first city in the world), she seemed heartily to sympathise with us; +and her husband stirred and bustled about until the requisite leave was +obtained, and I was allowed comparative liberty. + +As for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. Stokes, sent +her Jemima to say that her first floor was at our service; and when we +had taken possession of it, and I offered at the end of the week to pay +her bill, the good soul, with tears in her eyes, told me that she did not +want for money now, and that she knew I had enough to do with what I had. +I did not refuse her kindness; for, indeed, I had but five guineas left, +and ought not by rights to have thought of such expensive apartments as +hers; but my wife's time was very near, and I could not bear to think +that she should want for any comfort in her lying-in. + +The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came every day to keep +company--and very nice, kind ladies they are--recovered her health a good +deal, now she was out of the odious prison and was enabled to take +exercise. How gaily did we pace up and down Bridge Street and Chatham +Place, to be sure! and yet, in truth, I was a beggar, and felt sometimes +ashamed of being so happy. + +With regard to the liabilities of the Company my mind was now made quite +easy; for the creditors could only come upon our directors, and these it +was rather difficult to find. Mr. Brough was across the water; and I +must say, to the credit of that gentleman, that while everybody thought +he had run away with hundreds of thousands of pounds, he was in a garret +at Boulogne, with scarce a shilling in his pocket, and his fortune to +make afresh. Mrs. Brough, like a good brave woman, remained faithful to +him, and only left Fulham with the gown on her back; and Miss Belinda, +though grumbling and sadly out of temper, was no better off. For the +other directors,--when they came to inquire at Edinburgh for Mr. Mull, W. +S., it appeared there _was_ a gentleman of that name, who had practised +in Edinburgh with good reputation until 1800, since when he had retired +to the Isle of Skye; and on being applied to, knew no more of the West +Diddlesex Association than Queen Anne did. General Sir Dionysius +O'Halloran had abruptly quitted Dublin, and returned to the republic of +Guatemala. Mr. Shirk went into the _Gazette_. Mr. Macraw, M.P. and +King's Counsel, had not a single guinea in the world but what he received +for attending our board; and the only man seizable was Mr. Manstraw, a +wealthy navy contractor, as we understood, at Chatham. He turned out to +be a small dealer in marine stores, and his whole stock in trade was not +worth 10_l_. Mr. Abednego was the other director, and we have already +seen what became of _him_. + +"Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex," suggested Mr. +Hoskins, senior, "should you not now endeavour to make an arrangement +with your creditors; and who can make a better bargain with them than +pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose sweet eyes would soften the +hardest-hearted tailor or milliner that ever lived?" + +Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me by the +hand, and bidding me be of good cheer, set forth with Gus in a coach, to +pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a year before, that the +daughter of the gallant Smith should ever be compelled to be a suppliant +to tailors and haberdashers; but _she_, Heaven bless her! felt none of +the shame which oppressed me--or _said_ she felt none--and went away, +nothing doubting, on her errand. + +In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know the news. I +saw it was bad by her face. For some time she did not speak, but looked +as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. "_You_ speak, Mr. +Augustus," at last said she, sobbing; and so Gus told me the +circumstances of that dismal day. + +"What do you think, Sam?" says he; "that infernal aunt of yours, at whose +command you had the things, has written to the tradesmen to say that you +are a swindler and impostor; that you give out that _she_ ordered the +goods; that she is ready to drop down dead, and to take her bible-oath +she never did any such thing, and that they must look to you alone for +payment. Not one of them would hear of letting you out; and as for +Mantalini, the scoundrel was so insolent that I gave him a box on the +ear, and would have half-killed him, only poor Mary--Mrs. Titmarsh I +mean--screamed and fainted: and I brought her away, and here she is, as +ill as can be." + +That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to run post-haste for +Doctor Salts, and next morning a little boy was born. I did not know +whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little weakly thing; +but Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in the world, and forgot +all her sorrows in nursing the poor baby; she went bravely through her +time, and vowed that it was the loveliest child in the world; and that +though Lady Tiptoff, whose confinement we read of as having taken place +the same day, might have a silk bed and a fine house in Grosvenor Square, +she never never could have such a beautiful child as our dear little Gus: +for after whom should we have named the boy, if not after our good kind +friend? We had a little party at the christening, and I assure you were +very merry over our tea. + +The mother, thank Heaven! was very well, and it did one's heart good to +see her in that attitude in which I think every woman, be she ever so +plain, looks beautiful--with her baby at her bosom. The child was +sickly, but she did not see it; we were very poor, but what cared she? +She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was: I had my last guinea now in +my pocket; and when _that_ was gone--ah! my heart sickened to think of +what was to come, and I prayed for strength and guidance, and in the +midst of my perplexities felt yet thankful that the danger of the +confinement was over; and that for the worst fortune which was to befall +us, my dear wife was at least prepared, and strong in health. + +I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper room--a garret +that should cost but a few shillings; and though the good woman bade me +remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now that my wife was well, I +felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind landlady of her chief means +of livelihood; and at length she promised to get me a garret as I wanted, +and to make it as comfortable as might be; and little Jemima declared +that she would be glad beyond measure to wait on the mother and the +child. + +The room, then, was made ready; and though I took some pains not to speak +of the arrangement too suddenly to Mary, yet there was no need of +disguise or hesitation; for when at last I told her--"Is that all?" said +she, and took my hand with one of her blessed smiles, and vowed that she +and Jemima would keep the room as pretty and neat as possible. "And I +will cook your dinners," added she; "for you know you said I make the +best roly-poly puddings in the world." God bless her! I do think some +women almost love poverty: but I did not tell Mary how poor I was, nor +had she any idea how lawyers', and prison's, and doctors' fees had +diminished the sum of money which she brought me when we came to the +Fleet. + +It was not, however, destined that she and her child should inhabit that +little garret. We were to leave our lodgings on Monday morning; but on +Saturday evening the child was seized with convulsions, and all Sunday +the mother watched and prayed for it: but it pleased God to take the +innocent infant from us, and on Sunday, at midnight, it lay a corpse in +its mother's bosom. Amen. We have other children, happy and well, now +round about us, and from the father's heart the memory of this little +thing has almost faded; but I do believe that every day of her life the +mother thinks of the firstborn that was with her for so short a while: +many and many a time has she taken her daughters to the grave, in Saint +Bride's, where he lies buried; and she wears still at her neck a little +little lock of gold hair, which she took from the head of the infant as +he lay smiling in his coffin. It has happened to me to forget the +child's birthday, but to her never; and often in the midst of common talk +comes something that shows she is thinking of the child still,--some +simple allusion that is to me inexpressibly affecting. + +I shall not try to describe her grief, for such things are sacred and +secret; and a man has no business to place them on paper for all the +world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child's loss at all, but +that even that loss was the means of a great worldly blessing to us; as +my wife has often with tears and thanks acknowledged. + +While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to say I was +distracted with other feelings besides those of grief for its loss; and I +have often since thought what a master--nay, destroyer--of the affections +want is, and have learned from experience to be thankful for _daily +bread_. That acknowledgment of weakness which we make in imploring to be +relieved from hunger and from temptation, is surely wisely put in our +daily prayer. Think of it you who are rich, and take heed how you turn a +beggar away. + +The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet fixed smile in +its face (I think the angels in heaven must have been glad to welcome +that pretty innocent smile); and it was only the next day, after my wife +had gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch by it, that I remembered +the condition of its parents, and thought, I can't tell with what a pang, +that I had not money left to bury the little thing, and wept bitter tears +of despair. Now, at last, I thought I must apply to my poor mother, for +this was a sacred necessity; and I took paper, and wrote her a letter at +the baby's side, and told her of our condition. But, thank Heaven! I +never sent the letter; for as I went to the desk to get sealing-wax and +seal that dismal letter, my eyes fell upon the diamond pin that I had +quite forgotten, and that was lying in the drawer of the desk. + +I looked into the bedroom,--my poor wife was asleep; she had been +watching for three nights and days, and had fallen asleep from sheer +fatigue; and I ran out to a pawnbroker's with the diamond, and received +seven guineas for it, and coming back put the money into the landlady's +hand, and told her to get what was needful. My wife was still asleep +when I came back; and when she woke, we persuaded her to go downstairs to +the landlady's parlour; and meanwhile the necessary preparations were +made, and the poor child consigned to its coffin. + +The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three out of +the seven guineas; and then I could not help sobbing out to her my doubts +and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last money I had; and +when that was gone I knew not what was to become of the best wife that +ever a man was blest with. + +My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was with me, and +quite as much affected as any of the party, took me by the arm, and led +me downstairs; and we quite forgot all about the prison and the rules, +and walked a long long way across Blackfriars Bridge, the kind fellow +striving as much as possible to console me. + +When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person who met me in +the house was my kind mother, who fell into my arms with many tears, and +who rebuked me tenderly for not having told her of my necessities. She +never should have known of them, she said; but she had not heard from me +since I wrote announcing the birth of the child, and she felt uneasy +about my silence; and meeting Mr. Smithers in the street, asked from him +news concerning me: whereupon that gentleman, with some little show of +alarm, told her that he thought her daughter-in-law was confined in an +uncomfortable place; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left us; finally, that I was +in prison. This news at once despatched my poor mother on her travels, +and she had only just come from the prison, where she learned my address. + +I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found her. Rather +to my amaze she said that Mary was out with the landlady when she +arrived; and eight--nine o'clock came, and she was absent still. + +At ten o'clock returned--not my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, and with her a +gentleman, who shook hands with me on coming into the room, and said, +"Mr. Titmarsh! I don't know whether you will remember me: my name is +Tiptoff. I have brought you a note from Mrs. Titmarsh, and a message +from my wife, who sincerely commiserates your loss, and begs you will not +be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh's absence. She has been good enough to +promise to pass the night with Lady Tiptoff; and I am sure you will not +object to her being away from you, while she is giving happiness to a +sick mother and a sick child." After a few more words, my Lord left us. +My wife's note only said that Mrs. Stokes would tell me all. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN WEAR +IN HIS BOSOM + +"Mrs. Titmarsh, ma'am," says Mrs. Stokes, "before I gratify your +curiosity, ma'am, permit me to observe that angels is scarce; and it's +rare to have one, much more two, in a family. Both your son and your +daughter-in-law, ma'am, are of that uncommon sort; they are, now, reely, +ma'am." + +My mother said she thanked God for both of us; and Mrs. Stokes +proceeded:-- + +"When the fu--- when the seminary, ma'am, was concluded this morning, +your poor daughter-in-law was glad to take shelter in my humble parlour, +ma'am; where she wept, and told a thousand stories of the little cherub +that's gone. Heaven bless us! it was here but a month, and no one could +have thought it could have done such a many things in that time. But a +mother's eyes are clear, ma'am; and I had just such another angel, my +dear little Antony, that was born before Jemima, and would have been +twenty-three now were he in this wicked world, ma'am. However, I won't +speak of him, ma'am, but of what took place. + +"You must know, ma'am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained downstairs while Mr. +Samuel was talking with his friend Mr. Hoskins; and the poor thing would +not touch a bit of dinner, though we had it made comfortable; and after +dinner, it was with difficulty I could get her to sup a little drop of +wine-and-water, and dip a toast in it. It was the first morsel that had +passed her lips for many a long hour, ma'am. + +"Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to interrupt her; +but she sat and looked at my two youngest that were playing on the rug; +and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus went out, the boy brought the +newspaper, ma'am,--it always comes from three to four, and I began +a-reading of it. But I couldn't read much, for thinking of poor Mr. +Sam's sad face as he went out, and the sad story he told me about his +money being so low; and every now and then I stopped reading, and bade +Mrs. T. not to take on so; and told her some stories about my dear little +Antony. + +"'Ah!' says she, sobbing, and looking at the young ones, 'you have other +children, Mrs. Stokes; but that--that was my only one;' and she flung +back in her chair, and cried fit to break her heart: and I knew that the +cry would do her good, and so went back to my paper--the _Morning Post_, +ma'am; I always read it, for I like to know what's a-going on in the West +End. + +"The very first thing that my eyes lighted upon was this:--'Wanted, +immediately, a respectable person as wet-nurse. Apply at No. ---, +Grosvenor Square.' 'Bless us and save us!' says I, 'here's poor Lady +Tiptoff ill;' for I knew her Ladyship's address, and how she was confined +on the very same day with Mrs. T.: and, for the matter of that, her +Ladyship knows my address, having visited here. + +"A sudden thought came over me. 'My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,' said I, 'you +know how poor and how good your husband is?' + +"'Yes,' says she, rather surprised. + +"'Well, my dear,' says I, looking her hard in the face, 'Lady Tiptoff, +who knows him, wants a nurse for her son, Lord Poynings. Will you be a +brave woman, and look for the place, and mayhap replace the little one +that God has taken from you?' + +"She began to tremble and blush; and then I told her what you, Mr. Sam, +had told me the other day about your money matters; and no sooner did she +hear it than she sprung to her bonnet, and said, 'Come, come:' and in +five minutes she had me by the arm, and we walked together to Grosvenor +Square. The air did her no harm, Mr. Sam, and during the whole of the +walk she never cried but once, and then it was at seeing a nursery-maid +in the Square. + +"A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, 'You're the forty- +fifth as come about this 'ere place; but, fust, let me ask you a +preliminary question. Are you a Hirishwoman?' + +"'No, sir,' says Mrs. T. + +"'That suffishnt, mem,' says the gentleman in plush; 'I see you're not by +your axnt. Step this way, ladies, if you please. You'll find some more +candidix for the place upstairs; but I sent away forty-four happlicants, +because they _was_ Hirish.' + +"We were taken upstairs over very soft carpets, and brought into a room, +and told by an old lady who was there to speak very softly, for my Lady +was only two rooms off. And when I asked how the baby and her Ladyship +were, the old lady told me both were pretty well: only the doctor said +Lady Tiptoff was too delicate to nurse any longer; and so it was +considered necessary to have a wet-nurse. + +"There was another young woman in the room--a tall fine woman as ever you +saw--that looked very angry and contempshious at Mrs. T. and me, and +said, 'I've brought a letter from the duchess whose daughter I nust; and +I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, my Lady Tiptoff may look far before she +finds such another nuss as me. Five feet six high, had the small-pox, +married to a corporal in the Lifeguards, perfectly healthy, best of +charactiers, only drink water; and as for the child, ma'am, if her +Ladyship had six, I've a plenty for them all.' + +"As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in black came in +from the next room, treading as if on velvet. The woman got up, and made +him a low curtsey, and folding her arms on her great broad chest, +repeated the speech she had made before. Mrs. T. did not get up from her +chair, but only made a sort of a bow; which, to be sure, I thought was +ill manners, as this gentleman was evidently the apothecary. He looked +hard at her and said, 'Well, my good woman, and are you come about the +place too?' + +"'Yes, sir,' says she, blushing. + +"'You seem very delicate. How old is your child? How many have you had? +What character have you?' + +"Your wife didn't answer a word; so I stepped up, and said, 'Sir,' says +I, 'this lady has just lost her first child, and isn't used to look for +places, being the daughter of a captain in the navy; so you'll excuse her +want of manners in not getting up when you came in.' + +"The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly to her; he +said he was afraid that her application would be unsuccessful, as Mrs. +Horner came very strongly recommended from the Duchess of Doncaster, +whose relative Lady Tiptoff was; and presently my Lady appeared, looking +very pretty, ma'am, in an elegant lace-cap and a sweet muslin _robe-de- +sham_. + +"A nurse came out of her Ladyship's room with her; and while my Lady was +talking to us, walked up and down in the next room with something in her +arms. + +"First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Horner, and then to Mrs. T.; but all the +while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh, rather rudely, as I thought, ma'am, +was looking into the next room: looking--looking at the baby there with +all her might. My Lady asked her her name, and if she had any character; +and as she did not speak, I spoke up for her, and said she was the wife +of one of the best men in the world; that her Ladyship knew the +gentleman, too, and had brought him a haunch of venison. Then Lady +Tiptoff looked up quite astonished, and I told the whole story: how you +had been head clerk, and that rascal, Brough, had brought you to ruin. +'Poor thing!' said my Lady: Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak, but still kept +looking at the baby; and the great big grenadier of a Mrs. Horner looked +angrily at her. + +"'Poor thing!' says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.'s hand very kind, 'she seems +very young. How old are you, my dear?' + +"'Five weeks and two days!' says your wife, sobbing. + +"Mrs. Horner burst into a laugh; but there was a tear in my Lady's eyes, +for she knew what the poor thing was a-thinking of. + +"'Silence, woman!' says she angrily to the great grenadier woman; and at +this moment the child in the next room began crying. + +"As soon as your wife heard the noise, she sprung from her chair and made +a stop forward, and put both her hands to her breast and said, 'The +child--the child--give it me!' and then began to cry again. + +"My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the next room and +brought her the baby; and the baby clung to her as if he knew her: and a +pretty sight it was to see that dear woman with the child at her bosom. + +"When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did? After looking on it for +a bit, she put her arms round your wife's neck and kissed her. + +"'My dear,' said she, 'I am sure you are as good as you are pretty, and +you shall keep the child: and I thank God for sending you to me!' + +"These were her very words; and Dr. Bland, who was standing by, says, +'It's a second judgment of Solomon!' + +"'I suppose, my Lady, you don't want _me_?' says the big woman, with +another curtsey. + +"'Not in the least!' answers my Lady, haughtily, and the grenadier left +the room: and then I told all your story at full length, and Mrs. +Blenkinsop kept me to tea, and I saw the beautiful room that Mrs. +Titmarsh is to have next to Lady Tiptoff's; and when my Lord came home, +what does he do but insist upon coming back with me here in a hackney- +coach, as he said he must apologise to you for keeping your wife away." + +I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event which, in +the midst of our sorrow, came to console us, and in our poverty to give +us bread,--I could not help connecting it with the _diamond pin_, and +fancying that the disappearance of that ornament had somehow brought a +different and a better sort of luck into my family. And though some +gents who read this, may call me a poor-spirited fellow for allowing my +wife to go out to service, who was bred a lady and ought to have servants +herself: yet, for my part, I confess I did not feel one minute's scruple +or mortification on the subject. If you love a person, is it not a +pleasure to feel obliged to him? And this, in consequence, I felt. I +was proud and happy at being able to think that my dear wife should be +able to labour and earn bread for me, now misfortune had put it out of my +power to support me and her. And now, instead of making any reflections +of my own upon prison discipline, I will recommend the reader to consult +that admirable chapter in the Life of Mr. Pickwick in which the same +theme is handled, and which shows how silly it is to deprive honest men +of the means of labour just at the moment when they most want it. What +could I do? There were one or two gents in the prison who could work +(literary gents,--one wrote his "Travels in Mesopotamia," and the other +his "Sketches at Almack's," in the place); but all the occupation I could +find was walking down Bridge Street, and then up Bridge Street, and +staring at Alderman Waithman's windows, and then at the black man who +swept the crossing. I never gave him anything; but I envied him his +trade and his broom, and the money that continually fell into his old +hat. But I was not allowed even to carry a broom. + +Twice or thrice--for Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy often to +breathe the air of such a close place as Salisbury Square--my dear Mary +came in the thundering carriage to see me. They were merry meetings; +and--if the truth must be told--twice, when nobody was by, I jumped into +the carriage and had a drive with her; and when I had seen her home, +jumped into another hackney-coach and drove back. But this was only +twice; for the system was dangerous, and it might bring me into trouble, +and it cost three shillings from Grosvenor Square to Ludgate Hill. + +Here, meanwhile, my good mother kept me company; and what should we read +of one day but the marriage of Mrs. Hoggarty and the Rev. Grimes Wapshot! +My mother, who never loved Mrs. H., now said that she should repent all +her life having allowed me to spend so much of my time with that odious +ungrateful woman; and added that she and I too were justly punished for +worshipping the mammon of unrighteousness and forgetting our natural +feelings for the sake of my aunt's paltry lucre. "Well, Amen!" said I. +"This is the end of all our fine schemes! My aunt's money and my aunt's +diamond were the causes of my ruin, and now they are clear gone, thank +Heaven! and I hope the old lady will be happy; and I must say I don't +envy the Rev. Grimes Wapshot." So we put Mrs. Hoggarty out of our +thoughts, and made ourselves as comfortable as might be. + +Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their children +than we poor ones, and little Lord Poynings was not christened until the +month of June. A duke was one godfather, and Mr. Edmund Preston, the +State Secretary, another; and that kind Lady Jane Preston, whom I have +before spoken of, was the godmother to her nephew. She had not long been +made acquainted with my wife's history; and both she and her sister loved +her heartily and were very kind to her. Indeed, there was not a single +soul in the house, high or low, but was fond of that good sweet creature; +and the very footmen were as ready to serve her as they were their own +mistress. + +"I tell you what, sir," says one of them. "You see, Tit my boy, I'm a +connyshure, and up to snough; and if ever I see a lady in my life, Mrs. +Titmarsh is one. I can't be fimiliar with her--I've tried--" + +"Have you, sir?" said I. + +"Don't look so indignant! I can't, I say, be fimiliar with her as I am +with you. There's a somethink in her, a jenny-squaw, that haws me, sir! +and even my Lord's own man, that 'as 'ad as much success as any gentleman +in Europe--he says that, cuss him--" + +"Mr. Charles," says I, "tell my Lord's own man that, if he wants to keep +his place and his whole skin, he will never address a single word to that +lady but such as a servant should utter in the presence of his mistress; +and take notice that I am a gentleman, though a poor one, and will murder +the first man who does her wrong!" + +Mr. Charles only said "Gammin!" to this: but psha! in bragging about my +own spirit, I forgot to say what great good fortune my dear wife's +conduct procured for me. + +On the christening-day, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, and then a +twenty-pound note; but she declined either; but she did not decline a +present that the two ladies made her together, and this was no other than +_my release from the Fleet_. Lord Tiptoff's lawyer paid every one of the +bills against me, and that happy christening-day made me a free man. Ah! +who shall tell the pleasure of that day, or the merry dinner we had in +Mary's room at Lord Tiptoff's house, when my Lord and my Lady came +upstairs to shake hands with me! + +"I have been speaking to Mr. Preston," says my Lord, "the gentleman with +whom you had the memorable quarrel, and he has forgiven it, although he +was in the wrong, and promises to do something for you. We are going +down, meanwhile, to his house at Richmond; and be sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I +will not fail to keep you in his mind." + +"_Mrs_. Titmarsh will do that," says my Lady; "for Edmund is woefully +smitten with her!" And Mary blushed, and I laughed, and we were all very +happy: and sure enough there came from Richmond a letter to me, stating +that I was appointed fourth clerk in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, +with a salary of 80_l_. per annum. + +Here perhaps my story ought to stop; for I was happy at last, and have +never since, thank Heaven! known want: but Gus insists that I should add +how I gave up the place in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, and for what +reason. That excellent Lady Jane Preston is long gone, and so is Mr. P--- +off in an apoplexy, and there is no harm now in telling the story. + +The fact was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary in a much +more serious way than any of us imagined; for I do believe he invited his +brother-in-law to Richmond for no other purpose than to pay court to his +son's nurse. And one day, as I was coming post-haste to thank him for +the place he had procured for me, being directed by Mr. Charles to the +"scrubbery," as he called it, which led down to the river--there, sure +enough, I found Mr. Preston, on his knees too, on the gravel-walk, and +before him Mary, holding the little lord. + +"Dearest creature!" says Mr. Preston, "do but listen to me, and I'll make +your husband consul at Timbuctoo! He shall never know of it, I tell you: +he _can_ never know of it. I pledge you my word as a Cabinet Minister! +Oh, don't look at me in that arch way: by heavens, your eyes kill me!" + +Mary, when she saw me, burst out laughing, and ran down the lawn; my Lord +making a huge crowing, too, and holding out his little fat hands. Mr. +Preston, who was a heavy man, was slowly getting up, when, catching a +sight of me looking as fierce as the crater of Mount Etna,--he gave a +start back and lost his footing, and rolled over and over, walloping into +the water at the garden's edge. It was not deep, and he came bubbling +and snorting out again in as much fright as fury. + +"You d-d ungrateful villain!" says he, "what do you stand there laughing +for?" + +"I'm waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir," says I, and laughed fit to +die; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and his party, who joined us on the lawn: +and Jeames the footman came forward and helped Mr. Preston out of the +water. + +"Oh, you old sinner!" says my Lord, as his brother-in-law came up the +slope. "Will that heart of yours be always so susceptible, you romantic, +apoplectic, immoral man?" + +Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and ill-treated his wife +for a whole month afterwards. + +"At any rate," says my Lord, "Titmarsh here has got a place through our +friend's unhappy attachment; and Mrs. Titmarsh has only laughed at him, +so there is no harm there. It's an ill wind that blows nobody good, you +know." + +"Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall never do +good to me. I have learned in the past few years what it is to make +friends with the mammon of unrighteousness; and that out of such +friendship no good comes in the end to honest men. It shall never be +said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because a great man was in love with +his wife; and were the situation ten times as valuable, I should blush +every day I entered the office-doors in thinking of the base means by +which my fortune was made. You have made me free, my Lord; and, thank +God! I am willing to work. I can easily get a clerkship with the +assistance of my friends; and with that and my wife's income, we can +manage honestly to face the world." + +This rather long speech I made with some animation; for, look you, I was +not over well pleased that his Lordship should think me capable of +speculating in any way on my wife's beauty. + +My Lord at first turned red, and looked rather angry; but at last he held +out his hand and said, "You are right, Titmarsh, and I am wrong; and let +me tell you in confidence, that I think you are a very honest fellow. You +shan't lose by your honesty, I promise you." + +Nor did I: for I am at this present moment Lord Tiptoff's steward and +right-hand man: and am I not a happy father? and is not my wife loved and +respected by all the country? and is not Gus Hoskins my brother-in-law, +partner with his excellent father in the leather way, and the delight of +all his nephews and nieces for his tricks and fun? + +As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman's history would fill a volume of +itself. Since he vanished from the London world, he has become +celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, and met +all sorts of changes of high and low fortune. One thing we may at least +admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted courage; and I can't help +thinking, as I have said before, that there must be some good in him, +seeing the way in which his family are faithful to him. With respect to +Roundhand, I had best also speak tenderly. The case of Roundhand v. Tidd +is still in the memory of the public; nor can I ever understand how Bill +Tidd, so poetic as he was, could ever take on with such a fat, odious, +vulgar woman as Mrs. R., who was old enough to be his mother. + +As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapshot made +overtures to be reconciled to us; and Mr. Wapshot laid bare to me all the +baseness of Mr. Smithers's conduct in the Brough transaction. Smithers +had also endeavoured to pay his court to me, once when I went down to +Somersetshire; but I cut his pretensions short, as I have shown. "He it +was," said Mr. Wapshot, "who induced Mrs. Grimes (Mrs. Hoggarty she was +then) to purchase the West Diddlesex shares: receiving, of course, a +large bonus for himself. But directly he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had +fallen into the hands of Mr. Brough, and that he should lose the income +he made from the lawsuits with her tenants and from the management of her +landed property, he determined to rescue her from that villain Brough, +and came to town for the purpose. He also," added Mr. Wapshot, "vented +his malignant slander against me; but Heaven was pleased to frustrate his +base schemes. In the proceedings consequent on Brough's bankruptcy, Mr. +Smithers could not appear; for his own share in the transactions of the +Company would have been most certainly shown up. During his absence from +London, I became the husband--the happy husband--of your aunt. But +though, my dear sir, I have been the means of bringing her to grace, I +cannot disguise from you that Mrs. W. has faults which all my pastoral +care has not enabled me to eradicate. She is close of her money, +sir--very close; nor can I make that charitable use of her property +which, as a clergyman, I ought to do; for she has tied up every shilling +of it, and only allows me half-a-crown a week for pocket-money. In +temper, too, she is very violent. During the first years of our union, I +strove with her; yea, I chastised her; but her perseverance, I must +confess, got the better of me. I make no more remonstrances, but am as a +lamb in her hands, and she leads me whithersoever she pleases." + +Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing half-a-crown from me (it was +at the Somerset Coffee-house in the Strand, where he came, in the year +1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go from thence into the gin-shop +opposite, and come out of the gin-shop half-an-hour afterwards, reeling +across the streets, and perfectly intoxicated. + +He died next year: when his widow, who called herself Mrs. +Hoggarty-Grimes-Wapshot, of Castle Hoggarty, said that over the grave of +her saint all earthly resentments were forgotten, and proposed to come +and live with us; paying us, of course, a handsome remuneration. But +this offer my wife and I respectfully declined; and once more she altered +her will, which once more she had made in our favour; called us +ungrateful wretches and pampered menials, and left all her property to +the Irish Hoggarties. But seeing my wife one day in a carriage with Lady +Tiptoff, and hearing that we had been at the great ball at Tiptoff +Castle, and that I had grown to be a rich man, she changed her mind +again, sent for me on her death-bed, and left me the farms of Slopperton +and Squashtail, with all her savings for fifteen years. Peace be to her +soul! for certainly she left me a very pretty property. + +Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who generally, +when he is short of coin, comes down and passes a few months with us) +says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the public (meaning, I +suspect, to himself); and if so, I am glad to serve him and them, and +hereby take farewell: bidding all gents who peruse this, to be cautious +of their money, if they have it; to be still more cautious of their +friends' money; to remember that great profits imply great risks; and +that the great shrewd capitalists of this country would not be content +with four per cent. for their money, if they could securely get more: +above all, I entreat them never to embark in any speculation, of which +the conduct is not perfectly clear to them, and of which the agents are +not perfectly open and loyal. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH*** + + +******* This file should be named 1933.txt or 1933.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/1933 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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