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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1933-h.zip b/1933-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..61a1677 --- /dev/null +++ b/1933-h.zip diff --git a/1933-h/1933-h.htm b/1933-h/1933-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7556b1a --- /dev/null +++ b/1933-h/1933-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,4923 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html + PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=US-ASCII" /> +<title>The History of Samuel Titmarsh</title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + P { margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + H1, H2 { + text-align: center; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + } + H3, H4 { + text-align: left; + margin-top: 1em; + margin-bottom: 1em; + } + BODY{margin-left: 10%; + margin-right: 10%; + } + .blkquot {margin-left: 4em; margin-right: 4em;} /* block indent */ + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + + .pagenum {position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + color: gray;} + + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> +</head> +<body> +<h2> +<a href="#startoftext">The History of Samuel Titmarsh, by William Makepeace Thackeray</a> +</h2> +<pre> +The Project Gutenberg eBook, The History of Samuel Titmarsh, by William +Makepeace Thackeray + + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The History of Samuel Titmarsh + and the Great Hoggarty Diamond + + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + + + +Release Date: February 23, 2006 [eBook #1933] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH*** +</pre> +<p><a name="startoftext"></a></p> +<p>Transcribed from the 1911 John Murray edition by David Price, email +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk</p> +<h1>THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH<br /> +AND THE<br /> +THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND</h1> +<p>LONDON<br /> +JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE STREET, W.<br /> +1911</p> +<h2>CHAPTER I</h2> +<p>GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE DIAMOND</p> +<p>When I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made +me a present of a diamond-pin; that is to say, it was not a diamond-pin +then, but a large old-fashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture in the +year 1795, which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the Lord Lieutenant’s +balls and elsewhere. He wore it, he said, at the battle of Vinegar +Hill, when his club pigtail saved his head from being taken off,—but +that is neither here nor there.</p> +<p>In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of +the corps of Fencibles to which he belonged; around it were thirteen +locks of hair, belonging to a baker’s dozen of sisters that the +old gentleman had; and, as all these little ringlets partook of the +family hue of brilliant auburn, Hoggarty’s portrait seemed to +the fanciful view like a great fat red round of beef surrounded by thirteen +carrots. These were dished up on a plate of blue enamel, and it +was from the <span class="smcap">Great Hoggarty Diamond</span> (as we +called it in the family) that the collection of hairs in question seemed +as it were to spring.</p> +<p>My aunt, I need not say, is rich; and I thought I might be her heir +as well as another. During my month’s holiday, she was particularly +pleased with me; made me drink tea with her often (though there was +a certain person in the village with whom on those golden summer evenings +I should have liked to have taken a stroll in the hayfields); promised +every time I drank her bohea to do something handsome for me when I +went back to town,—nay, three or four times had me to dinner at +three, and to whist or cribbage afterwards. I did not care for +the cards; for though we always played seven hours on a stretch, and +I always lost, my losings were never more than nineteenpence a night: +but there was some infernal sour black-currant wine, that the old lady +always produced at dinner, and with the tray at ten o’clock, and +which I dared not refuse; though upon my word and honour it made me +very unwell.</p> +<p>Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my +aunt’s repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make +me a present of a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the +drawer); and so convinced was I that some such present was intended +for me, that a young lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, with whom +I had conversed on the subject, actually netted me a little green silk +purse, which she gave me (behind Hicks’s hayrick, as you turn +to the right up Churchyard Lane)—which she gave me, I say, wrapped +up in a bit of silver paper. There was something in the purse, +too, if the truth must be known. First there was a thick curl +of the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in your life, and next there +was threepence: that is to say, the half of a silver sixpence hanging +by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I knew where the +other half of the sixpence was, and envied that happy bit of silver!</p> +<p>The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to +Mrs. Hoggarty. My aunt was excessively gracious; and by way of +a treat brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of which +she made me drink the greater part. At night when all the ladies +assembled at her party had gone off with their pattens and their maids, +Mrs. Hoggarty, who had made a signal to me to stay, first blew out three +of the wax candles in the drawing-room, and taking the fourth in her +hand, went and unlocked her escritoire.</p> +<p>I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite unconcerned.</p> +<p>“Sam my dear,” said she, as she was fumbling with her +keys, “take another glass of Rosolio” (that was the name +by which she baptised the cursed beverage): “it will do you good.” +I took it, and you might have seen my hand tremble as the bottle went +click—click against the glass. By the time I had swallowed +it, the old lady had finished her operations at the bureau, and was +coming towards me, the wax-candle bobbing in one hand and a large parcel +in the other.</p> +<p>“Now’s the time,” thought I.</p> +<p>“Samuel, my dear nephew,” said she, “your first +name you received from your sainted uncle, my blessed husband; and of +all my nephews and nieces, you are the one whose conduct in life has +most pleased me.”</p> +<p>When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married sisters, +that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and mothers of numerous +children, I must say that the compliment my aunt paid me was a very +handsome one.</p> +<p>“Dear aunt,” says I, in a slow agitated voice, “I +have often heard you say there were seventy-three of us in all, and +believe me I do think your high opinion of me very complimentary indeed: +I’m unworthy of it—indeed I am.”</p> +<p>“As for those odious Irish people,” says my aunt, rather +sharply, “don’t speak of them, I hate them, and every one +of their mothers” (the fact is, there had been a lawsuit about +Hoggarty’s property); “but of all my other kindred, you, +Samuel, have been the most dutiful and affectionate to me. Your +employers in London give the best accounts of your regularity and good +conduct. Though you have had eighty pounds a year (a liberal salary), +you have not spent a shilling more than your income, as other young +men would; and you have devoted your month’s holidays to your +old aunt, who, I assure you, is grateful.”</p> +<p>“Oh, ma’am!” said I. It was all that I could +utter.</p> +<p>“Samuel,” continued she, “I promised you a present, +and here it is. I first thought of giving you money; but you are +a regular lad; and don’t want it. You are above money, dear +Samuel. I give you what I value most in life—the p,—the +po, the po-ortrait of my sainted Hoggarty” (tears), “set +in the locket which contains the valuable diamond that you have often +heard me speak of. Wear it, dear Sam, for my sake; and think of +that angel in heaven, and of your dear Aunt Susy.”</p> +<p>She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the lid +of a shaving-box: and I should as soon have thought of wearing it as +of wearing a cocked-hat and pigtail. I was so disgusted and disappointed +that I really could not get out a single word.</p> +<p>When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket +out of the bit of paper (the locket indeed! it was as big as a barndoor +padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. “Thank you, Aunt,” +said I, with admirable raillery. “I shall always value this +present for the sake of you, who gave it me; and it will recall to me +my uncle, and my thirteen aunts in Ireland.”</p> +<p>“I don’t want you to wear it in <i>that</i> way!” +shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty, “with the hair of those odious carroty +women. You must have their hair removed.”</p> +<p>“Then the locket will be spoiled, Aunt.”</p> +<p>“Well, sir, never mind the locket; have it set afresh.”</p> +<p>“Or suppose,” said I, “I put aside the setting +altogether: it is a little too large for the present fashion; and have +the portrait of my uncle framed and placed over my chimney-piece, next +to yours. It’s a sweet miniature.”</p> +<p>“That miniature,” said Mrs. Hoggarty, solemnly, “was +the great Mulcahy’s <i>chef-d’œuvre</i>” (pronounced +<i>shy dewver</i>, a favourite word of my aunt’s; being, with +the words <i>bongtong</i> and <i>ally mode de Parry</i>, the extent +of her French vocabulary). “You know the dreadful story +of that poor poor artist. When he had finished that wonderful +likeness for the late Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, county Mayo, +she wore it in her bosom at the Lord Lieutenant’s ball, where +she played a game of piquet with the Commander-in-Chief. What +could have made her put the hair of her vulgar daughters round Mick’s +portrait, I can’t think; but so it was, as you see it this day. +‘Madam,’ says the Commander-in-Chief, ‘if that is +not my friend Mick Hoggarty, I’m a Dutchman!’ Those +were his Lordship’s very words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle +Hoggarty took off the brooch and showed it to him.</p> +<p>“‘Who is the artist?’ says my Lord. ‘It’s +the most wonderful likeness I ever saw in my life!’</p> +<p>“‘Mulcahy,’ says she, ‘of Ormond’s +Quay.’</p> +<p>“‘Begad, I patronise him!’ says my Lord; but presently +his face darkened, and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied +air. ‘There is one fault in that portrait,’ said his +Lordship, who was a rigid disciplinarian; ‘and I wonder that my +friend Mick, as a military man, should have overlooked it.’</p> +<p>“‘What’s that?’ says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle +Hoggarty.</p> +<p>“‘Madam, he has been painted <span class="smcap">without +his sword-belt</span>!’ And he took up the cards again in +a passion, and finished the game without saying a single word.</p> +<p>“The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that +unfortunate artist <i>went mad immediately</i>! He had set his +whole reputation upon this miniature, and declared that it should be +faultless. Such was the effect of the announcement upon his susceptible +heart! When Mrs. Hoggarty died, your uncle took the portrait and +always wore it himself. His sisters said it was for the sake of +the diamond; whereas, ungrateful things! it was merely on account of +their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As for the poor artist, +my dear, some people said it was the profuse use of spirit that brought +on delirium tremens; but I don’t believe it. Take another +glass of Rosolio.”</p> +<p>The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good-humour, +and she promised at the end of it to pay for the new setting of the +diamond; desiring me to take it on my arrival in London to the great +jeweller, Mr. Polonius, and send her the bill. “The fact +is,” said she, “that the gold in which the thing is set +is worth five guineas at the very least, and you can have the diamond +reset for two. However, keep the remainder, dear Sam, and buy +yourself what you please with it.”</p> +<p>With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking +twelve as I walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy always +took an hour in the telling, and I went away not quite so downhearted +as when the present was first made to me. “After all,” +thought I, “a diamond-pin is a handsome thing, and will give me +a <i>distingué</i> air, though my clothes be never so shabby”—and +shabby they were without any doubt. “Well,” I said, +“three guineas, which I shall have over, will buy me a couple +of pairs of what-d’ye-call-’ems;” of which, <i>entre +nous</i>, I was in great want, having just then done growing, whereas +my pantaloons were made a good eighteen months before.</p> +<p>Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets; +I had poor Mary’s purse there, having removed the little things +which she gave me the day before, and placed them—never mind where: +but look you, in those days I had a heart, and a warm one too. +I had Mary’s purse ready for my aunt’s donation, which never +came, and with my own little stock of money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty’s +card parties had lessened by a good five-and-twenty shillings, I calculated +that, after paying my fare, I should get to town with a couple of seven-shilling +pieces in my pocket.</p> +<p>I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace; so quick that, if +the thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o’clock +that had passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. H.’s +long stories over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at ten I +had an appointment under a certain person’s window, who was to +have been looking at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled +nightcap on, and her blessed hair in papers.</p> +<p>There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it; and +though I hemmed and hawed, and whistled over the garden paling, and +sang a song of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a pebble +at the window, which hit it exactly at the opening of the lattice,—I +woke no one except a great brute of a house-dog, that yelled, and howled, +and bounced so at me over the rails, that I thought every moment he +would have had my nose between his teeth.</p> +<p>So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be; and the next morning +Mamma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and at five came +the “True Blue” light six-inside post-coach to London, and +I got up on the roof without having seen Mary Smith.</p> +<p>As we passed the house, it <i>did</i> seem as if the window curtain +in her room was drawn aside just a little bit. Certainly the window +was open, and it had been shut the night before: but away went the coach; +and the village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks’s hayricks +were soon out of sight.</p> +<p>* * * * *</p> +<p>“My hi, what a pin!” said a stable-boy, who was smoking +a cigar, to the guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his nose.</p> +<p>The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt’s party; +and being uneasy in mind and having all my clothes to pack up, and thinking +of something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty’s brooch, +which I had stuck into my shirt-frill the night before.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER II</h2> +<p>TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL +EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END</p> +<p>The circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of +years ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was a great mania +in the City of London for establishing companies of all sorts; by which +many people made pretty fortunes.</p> +<p>I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk +of twenty-four young gents who did the immense business of the Independent +West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at their splendid stone +mansion in Cornhill. Mamma had sunk a sum of four hundred pounds +in the purchase of an annuity at this office, which paid her no less +than six-and-thirty pounds a year, when no other company in London would +give her more than twenty-four. The chairman of the directors +was the great Mr. Brough, of the house of Brough and Hoff, Crutched +Friars, Turkey Merchants. It was a new house, but did a tremendous +business in the fig and sponge way, and more in the Zante currant line +than any other firm in the City.</p> +<p>Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw +his name for hundreds at the head of every charitable society patronised +by those good people. He had nine clerks residing at his office +in Crutched Friars; he would not take one without a certificate from +the schoolmaster and clergyman of his native place, strongly vouching +for his morals and doctrine; and the places were so run after, that +he got a premium of four or five hundred pounds with each young gent, +whom he made to slave for ten hours a day, and to whom in compensation +he taught all the mysteries of the Turkish business. He was a +great man on ’Change, too; and our young chaps used to hear from +the stockbrokers’ clerks (we commonly dined together at the “Cock +and Woolpack,” a respectable house, where you get a capital cut +of meat, bread, vegetables, cheese, half a pint of porter, and a penny +to the waiter, for a shilling)—the young stockbrokers used to +tell us of immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that +Brough made. Hoff had nothing to do with them, but stopped at +home minding exclusively the business of the house. He was a young +chap, very quiet and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been +taken into partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty thousand pounds: +and a very good bargain too. I was told in the strictest confidence +that the house one year with another divided a good seven thousand pounds: +of which Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, and the other sixth went +to old Tudlow, who had been Mr. Brough’s clerk before the new +partnership began. Tudlow always went about very shabby, and we +thought him an old miser. One of our gents, Bob Swinney by name, +used to say that Tudlow’s share was all nonsense, and that Brough +had it all; but Bob was always too knowing by half, used to wear a green +cutaway coat, and had his free admission to Covent Garden Theatre. +He was always talking down at the shop, as we called it (it wasn’t +a shop, but as splendid an office as any in Cornhill)—he was always +talking about Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing</p> +<blockquote><p>“The bramble, the bramble,<br /> +The jolly jolly bramble!”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>one of Charles Kemble’s famous songs in “Maid Marian;” +a play that was all the rage then, taken from a famous story-book by +one Peacock, a clerk in the India House; and a precious good place he +has too.</p> +<p>When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his admission +to the theatre, he came one day down to the office where we all were, +four-and-twenty of us, and made one of the most beautiful speeches I +ever heard in my life. He said that for slander he did not care, +contumely was the lot of every public man who had austere principles +of his own, and acted by them austerely; but what he <i>did</i> care +for was the character of every single gentleman forming a part of the +Independent West Diddlesex Association. The welfare of thousands +was in their keeping; millions of money were daily passing through their +hands; the City—the country looked upon them for order, honesty, +and good example. And if he found amongst those whom he considered +as his children—those whom he loved as his own flesh and blood—that +that order was departed from, that that regularity was not maintained, +that that good example was not kept up (Mr. B. always spoke in this +emphatic way)—if he found his children departing from the wholesome +rules of morality, religion, and decorum—if he found in high or +low—in the head clerk at six hundred a year down to the porter +who cleaned the steps—if he found the slightest taint of dissipation, +he would cast the offender from him—yea, though he were his own +son, he would cast him from him!</p> +<p>As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn’t +know what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips: all +except Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to whistle. +When Mr. B. had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he turned round; +and oh, how my heart thumped as he looked me full in the face! +How it was relieved, though, when he shouted out in a thundering voice—</p> +<p>“Mr. <span class="smcap">Robert Swinney</span>!”</p> +<p>“Sir to you,” says Swinney, as cool as possible, and +some of the chaps began to titter.</p> +<p>“Mr. <span class="smcap">Swinney</span>!” roared Brough, +in a voice still bigger than before, “when you came into this +office—this family, sir, for such it is, as I am proud to say—you +found three-and-twenty as pious and well-regulated young men as ever +laboured together—as ever had confided to them the wealth of this +mighty capital and famous empire. You found, sir, sobriety, regularity, +and decorum; no profane songs were uttered in this place sacred to—to +business; no slanders were whispered against the heads of the establishment—but +over them I pass: I can afford, sir, to pass them by—no worldly +conversation or foul jesting disturbed the attention of these gentlemen, +or desecrated the peaceful scene of their labours. You found Christians +and gentlemen, sir!”</p> +<p>“I paid for my place like the rest,” said Swinney. +“Didn’t my governor take sha-?”</p> +<p>“Silence, sir! Your worthy father did take shares in +this establishment, which will yield him one day an immense profit. +He <i>did</i> take shares, sir, or you never would have been here. +I glory in saying that every one of my young friends around me has a +father, a brother, a dear relative or friend, who is connected in a +similar way with our glorious enterprise; and that not one of them is +there but has an interest in procuring, at a liberal commission, other +persons to join the ranks of our Association. <i>But</i>, sir, +I am its chief. You will find, sir, your appointment signed by +me; and in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, +sir!—leave us—quit a family that can no longer receive you +in its bosom! Mr. Swinney, I have wept—I have prayed, sir, +before I came to this determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and +am resolved. <i>Depart from out of us</i>!</p> +<p>“Not without three months’ salary, though, Mr. B.: that +cock won’t fight!”</p> +<p>“They shall be paid to your father, sir.”</p> +<p>“My father be hanged! I tell you what, Brough, I’m +of age; and if you don’t pay me my salary, I’ll arrest you,—by +Jingo, I will! I’ll have you in quod, or my name’s +not Bob Swinney!”</p> +<p>“Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months’ +salary of this perverted young man.”</p> +<p>“Twenty-one pun’ five, Roundhand, and nothing for the +stamp!” cried out that audacious Swinney. “There it +is, sir, <i>re</i>-ceipted. You needn’t cross it to my banker’s. +And if any of you gents like a glass of punch this evening at eight +o’clock, Bob Swinney’s your man, and nothing to pay. +If Mr. Brough <i>would</i> do me the honour to come in and take a whack? +Come, don’t say no, if you’d rather not!”</p> +<p>We couldn’t stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing +like mad.</p> +<p>“Leave the room!” yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned +quite blue; and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled +away with his “tile,” as he called it, very much on one +side. When he was gone, Mr. Brough gave us another lecture, by +which we all determined to profit; and going up to Roundhand’s +desk put his arm round his neck, and looked over the ledger.</p> +<p>“What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand?” he said, +in a very kind way.</p> +<p>“The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four +ten and six—say 904<i>l</i>. 10<i>s</i>. 6<i>d</i>. Captain +Sparr, sir, paid his shares up; grumbles, though, and says he’s +no more: fifty shares, two instalments—three fifties, sir.”</p> +<p>“He’s always grumbling!”</p> +<p>“He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until +our dividend day.”</p> +<p>“Any more?”</p> +<p>Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen hundred +pounds in all. We were doing a famous business now; though when +I came into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, and read +the newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a stray customer +came. Brough never cared about our laughing and singing <i>then</i>, +and was hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was in early times, +before we were well in harness.</p> +<p>“Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. +Bravo, Roundhand—bravo, gentlemen! Remember, every share +you bring in brings you five per cent. down on the nail! Look +to your friends—stick to your desks—be regular—I hope +none of you forget church. Who takes Mr. Swinney’s place?”</p> +<p>“Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir.”</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, +sir: you are now twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary +is consequently increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy +mother, sir—your dear and excellent parent? In good health +I trust? And long—long, I fervently pray, may this office +continue to pay her annuity! Remember, if she has more money to +lay out, there is higher interest than the last for her, for she is +a year older; and five per cent. for you, my boy! Why not you +as well as another? Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound +note does no harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego?”</p> +<p>“Oh, no!” says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who +was the chap that informed against Swinney; and he began to laugh, as +indeed we all did whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not +that they <i>were</i> jokes; only we used to know it by his face.</p> +<p>“Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand,” says he, “a word with +you on business. Mrs. Brough wants to know why the deuce you never +come down to Fulham.”</p> +<p>“Law, that’s very polite!” said Mr. Roundhand, +quite pleased.</p> +<p>“Name your day, my boy! Say Saturday, and bring your +night-cap with you.”</p> +<p>“You’re very polite, I’m sure. I should be +delighted beyond anything, but—”</p> +<p>“But—no buts, my boy! Hark ye! the Chancellor of +the Exchequer does me the honour to dine with us, and I want you to +see him; for the truth is, I have bragged about you to his Lordship +as the best actuary in the three kingdoms.”</p> +<p>Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as <i>that</i>, though +he had told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and Sunday +at Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, were sure +that the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady when she heard +what was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough very much, that was +the fact; because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said she didn’t +know where Pentonville was, and couldn’t call on Mrs. Roundhand. +Though, to be sure, her coachman might have found out the way.</p> +<p>“And oh, Roundhand!” continued our governor, “draw +a cheque for seven hundred, will you! Come, don’t stare, +man; I’m not going to run away! That’s right,—seven +hundred—and ninety, say, while you’re about it! Our +board meets on Saturday, and never fear I’ll account for it to +them before I drive you down. We shall take up the Chancellor +at Whitehall.”</p> +<p>So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with +Mr. Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-and-four (he always +drove four horses even in the City, where it’s so difficult), +which was waiting at the office-door for him.</p> +<p>Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the +Company; but there was never believing half of what that Bob said, he +used to laugh and joke so. I don’t know how it was, but +I and a gent by the name of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together +with me in Salisbury Square, Fleet Street—where we occupied a +very genteel two-pair—found our flute duet rather tiresome that +evening, and as it was a very fine night, strolled out for a walk West +End way. When we arrived opposite Covent Garden Theatre we found +ourselves close to the “Globe Tavern,” and recollected Bob +Swinney’s hospitable invitation. We never fancied that he +had meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look +in: at any rate there could be no harm in doing so.</p> +<p>There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would +be, we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a great +smoke of cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and banging away +at the table with the bottoms of their glasses.</p> +<p>What a shout they made as we came in! “Hurray!” +says Bob, “here’s two more! Two more chairs, Mary, +two more tumblers, two more hot waters, and two more goes of gin! +Who would have thought of seeing Tit, in the name of goodness?”</p> +<p>“Why,” said I, “we only came in by the merest chance.”</p> +<p>At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a positive +fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by chance! +However, chance gave us a very jovial night; and that hospitable Bob +Swinney paid every shilling of the score.</p> +<p>“Gentlemen!” says he, as he paid the bill, “I’ll +give you the health of John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the +present of 21<i>l</i>. 5<i>s</i>. which he made me this morning. +What do I say—21<i>l</i>. 5<i>s</i>.? That and a month’s +salary that I should have had to pay—forfeit—down on the +nail, by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I intended to do to-morrow +morning. I’ve got a place—a tip-top place, I tell +you. Five guineas a week, six journeys a year, my own horse and +gig, and to travel in the West of England in oil and spermaceti. +Here’s confusion to gas, and the health of Messrs. Gann and Co., +of Thames Street, in the City of London!”</p> +<p>I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex Insurance +Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though the real names +are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, as you may be sure), +because the fate of me and my diamond pin was mysteriously bound up +with both: as I am about to show.</p> +<p>You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the +West Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of them; +had received a classical education; and especially because I had a rich +aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I used to boast +a good deal. There is no harm in being respected in this world, +as I have found out; and if you don’t brag a little for yourself, +depend on it there is no person of your acquaintance who will tell the +world of your merits, and take the trouble off your hands.</p> +<p>So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and +took my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that looks +into Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that Mrs. Hoggarty, +though she had not given me a large sum of money, as I expected—indeed, +I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the river, should the promised +riches have come to me—I let them know, I say, that though my +aunt had not given me any money, she had given me a splendid diamond, +worth at least thirty guineas, and that some day I would sport it at +the shop.</p> +<p>“Oh, let’s see it!” says Abednego, whose father +was a mock-jewel and gold-lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised +that he should have a sight of it as soon as it was set. As my +pocket-money was run out too (by coach-hire to and from home, five shillings +to our maid at home, ten to my aunt’s maid and man, five-and-twenty +shillings lost at whist, as I said, and fifteen-and-six paid for a silver +scissors for the dear little fingers of Somebody), Roundhand, who was +very good-natured, asked me to dine, and advanced me 7<i>l</i>. 1<i>s</i>. +8<i>d</i>., a month’s salary. It was at Roundhand’s +house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of veal and bacon +and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his wife ill-treated +him; as I have told before. Poor fellow!—we under-clerks +all thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by oneself, and have +50<i>l</i>. per month, as Roundhand had; but I’ve a notion that +Hoskins and I, blowing duets on the flute together in our second floor +in Salisbury Square, were a great deal more at ease than our head—and +more <i>in harmony</i>, too; though we made sad work of the music, certainly.</p> +<p>One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at +three o’clock, as we had <i>particular business</i> at the West +End. He knew it was about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave +us permission; so off we set. When we reached St. Martin’s +Lane, Gus got a cigar, to give himself as it were a <i>distingué</i> +air, and pulled at it all the way up the Lane, and through the alleys +into Coventry Street, where Mr. Polonius’s shop is, as everybody +knows.</p> +<p>The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were +drawing up and setting down. Gus kept his hands in his pockets—trousers +were worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon-holes for your +boots, or Bluchers, to come through (the fashionables wore boots, but +we chaps in the City, on 80<i>l</i>. a year, contented ourselves with +Bluchers); and as Gus stretched out his pantaloons as wide as he could +from his hips, and kept blowing away at his cheroot, and clamping with +the iron heels of his boots, and had very large whiskers for so young +a man, he really looked quite the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody +to be a person of consideration.</p> +<p>He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the +gold pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in; and after +a little hemming and hawing—for I had never been at such a fashionable +place before—asked one of the gentlemen to let me speak to Mr. +Polonius.</p> +<p>“What can I do for you, sir?” says Mr. Polonius, who +was standing close by, as it happened, serving three ladies,—a +very old one and two young ones, who were examining pearl necklaces +very attentively.</p> +<p>“Sir,” said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, +“this jewel has, I believe, been in your house before: it belonged +to my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty.” The old +lady standing near looked round as I spoke.</p> +<p>“I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year +1795,” said Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect everything; +“and a silver punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the Major—Colonel—General—eh, +sir?”</p> +<p>“The General,” said I, “I am sorry to say”—though +I was quite proud that this man of fashion should address me so.—“Mr. +Hoggarty is—no more. My aunt has made me a present, however, +of this—this trinket—which, as you see, contains her husband’s +portrait, that I will thank you, sir, to preserve for me very carefully; +and she wishes that you would set this diamond neatly.”</p> +<p>“Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir.”</p> +<p>“Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account +to her. There is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, +of course, you will make an allowance.”</p> +<p>“To the last fraction of a sixpence,” says Mr. Polonius, +bowing, and looking at the jewel. “It’s a wonderful +piece of goods, certainly,” said he; “though the diamond’s +a neat little bit, certainly. Do, my Lady, look at it. The +thing is of Irish manufacture, bears the stamp of ’95, and will +recall perhaps the times of your Ladyship’s earliest youth.”</p> +<p>“Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!” said the old lady, a little +wizen-faced old lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. +“How <i>dar</i> you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman +like me? Wasn’t I fifty years old in ’95, and a grandmother +in ’96?” She put out a pair of withered trembling +hands, took up the locket, examined it for a minute, and then burst +out laughing: “As I live, it’s the great Hoggarty diamond!”</p> +<p>Good heavens! what was this talisman that had come into my possession?</p> +<p>“Look, girls,” continued the old lady: “this is +the great jew’l of all Ireland. This red-faced man in the +middle is poor Mick Hoggarty, a cousin of mine, who was in love with +me in the year ’84, when I had just lost your poor dear grandpapa. +These thirteen sthreamers of red hair represent his thirteen celebrated +sisters,—Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy (short for Williamina), Freddy, +Izzy, Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, Nell, and Bell—all married, +all ugly, and all carr’ty hair. And of which are you the +son, young man?—though, to do you justice, you’re not like +the family.”</p> +<p>Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at +me, and waited for an answer: which they would have had, only the old +lady began rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen ladies above +named, and all their lovers, all their disappointments, and all the +duels of Mick Hoggarty. She was a chronicle of fifty-years-old +scandal. At last she was interrupted by a violent fit of coughing; +at the conclusion of which Mr. Polonius very respectfully asked me where +he should send the pin, and whether I would like the hair kept.</p> +<p>“No,” says I, “never mind the hair.”</p> +<p>“And the pin, sir?”</p> +<p>I had felt ashamed about telling my address: “But, bang it!” +thought I, “why <i>should</i> I?—</p> +<blockquote><p>‘A king can make a belted knight,<br /> + A marquess, duke, and a’ that;<br /> +An honest man’s abune his might—<br /> + Gude faith, he canna fa’ that.’</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live?”</p> +<p>“Sir,” says I, “have the goodness to send the parcel, +when done, to Mr. Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near +St. Bride’s Church, Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the +two-pair bell.”</p> +<p>“<i>What</i>, sir?” said Mr. Polonius.</p> +<p>“<i>Hwat</i>!” shrieked the old lady. “Mr. +Hwat? Mais, ma chère, c’est impayable. Come +along—here’s the carr’age! Give me your arm, +Mr. Hwat, and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts.”</p> +<p>She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as possible; +the young ladies following her, laughing.</p> +<p>“Now, jump in, do you hear?” said she, poking her sharp +nose out of the window.</p> +<p>“I can’t, ma’am,” says I; “I have a +friend.”</p> +<p>“Pooh, pooh! send ’um to the juice, and jump in!” +And before almost I could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow-plush +breeches pushed me up the steps and banged the door to.</p> +<p>I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, +and never shall forget his figure. There stood Gus, his mouth +wide open, his eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering +with all his might at the strange thing that had just happened to me.</p> +<p>“Who <i>is</i> that Titmarsh?” says Gus: “there’s +a coronet on the carriage, by Jingo!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER III</h2> +<p>HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT, +AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK</p> +<p>I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young lady, +about my dear Mary’s age—that is to say, seventeen and three-quarters; +and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other grand-daughter—handsome +too, but ten years older. I recollect I had on that day my blue +coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a white sprig waist-coat, +and one of Dando’s silk hats, that had just come in in the year +’22, and looked a great deal more glossy than the best beaver.</p> +<p>“And who was that hidjus manster”—that was the +way her Ladyship pronounced,—“that ojous vulgar wretch, +with the iron heels to his boots, and the big mouth, and the imitation +goold neck-chain, who <i>steered</i> at us so as we got into the carriage?”</p> +<p>How she should have known that Gus’s chain was mosaic I can’t +tell; but so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and sixpence +only the week before at M’Phail’s, in St. Paul’s Churchyard. +But I did not like to hear my friend abused, and so spoke out for him—</p> +<p>“Ma’am,” says I, “that young gentleman’s +name is Augustus Hoskins. We live together; and a better or more +kind-hearted fellow does not exist.”</p> +<p>“You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir,” +said the second lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom +the grandmamma called Lady Jene.</p> +<p>“Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like +sper’t in a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it? +I know, my dears, all the Hoskinses in England. There are the +Lincolnshire Hoskinses, the Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral’s +daughter, Bell, was in love with a black footman, or boatswain, or some +such thing; but the world’s so censorious. There’s +old Doctor Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor dear Drum in the quinsy; +and poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty General: I remember him as +thin as a lath in the year ’84, and as active as a harlequin, +and in love with me—oh, how he was in love with me!”</p> +<p>“You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, Grandmamma?” +said Lady Jane.</p> +<p>“Hundreds, my dear,—hundreds of thousands. I was +the toast of Bath, and a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought +it now, upon your conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d’ye-call-’im?”</p> +<p>“Indeed, ma’am, I never should,” I answered, for +the old lady was as ugly as possible; and at my saying this the two +young ladies began screaming with laughter, and I saw the two great-whiskered +footmen grinning over the back of the carriage.</p> +<p>“Upon my word, you’re mighty candid, Mr. What’s-your-name—mighty +candid indeed; but I like candour in young people. But a beauty +I was. Just ask your friend’s uncle the General. He’s +one of the Lincolnshire Hoskinses—I knew he was by the strong +family likeness. Is he the eldest son? It’s a pretty +property, though sadly encumbered; for old Sir George was the divvle +of a man—a friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and those +horrid, monstrous, ojous people! How much will he have now, mister, +when the Admiral dies?”</p> +<p>“Why, ma’am, I can’t say; but the Admiral is not +my friend’s father.”</p> +<p>“Not his father?—but he <i>is</i>, I tell you, and I’m +never wrong. Who is his father, then?”</p> +<p>“Ma’am, Gus’s father’s a leatherseller in +Skinner Street, Snow Hill,—a very respectable house, ma’am. +But Gus is only third son, and so can’t expect a great share in +the property.”</p> +<p>The two young ladies smiled at this—the old lady said, “Hwat?”</p> +<p>“I like you, sir,” Lady Jane said, “for not being +ashamed of your friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall +we have the pleasure of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh?”</p> +<p>“Noways particular, my Lady,” says I. “We +have a holiday at our office to-day—at least Roundhand gave me +and Gus leave; and I shall be very happy, indeed, to take a drive in +the Park, if it’s no offence.”</p> +<p>“I’m sure it will give us—infinite pleasure,” +said Lady Jane; though rather in a grave way.</p> +<p>“Oh, that it will!” says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: +“won’t it, Grandmamma? And after we have been in the +Park, we can walk in Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good +enough to accompany us.”</p> +<p>“Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing,” says Lady +Jane.</p> +<p>“Indeed, but we will though!” shrieked out Lady Drum. +“Ain’t I dying to know everything about his uncle and thirteen +aunts? and you’re all chattering so, you young women, that not +a blessed syllable will you allow me or my young friend here to speak.”</p> +<p>Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single +word more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I +may be allowed so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, +and giggled, and seemed quite to enjoy her sister’s ill-humour. +And the Countess began at once, and entered into the history of the +thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which was not near finished when we entered +the Park.</p> +<p>When there, you can’t think what hundreds of gents on horseback +came to the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their +joke for Lady Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow +for Lady Jane; and, the young ones especially, their compliment for +Lady Fanny.</p> +<p>Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny +seemed to be thinking of something else; for she kept her head out of +the carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she expected +to see somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, <i>I</i> knew what it meant +when a young pretty lady like you was absent, and on the look-out, and +only half answered the questions put to her. Let alone Sam Titmarsh—he +knows what Somebody means as well as another, I warrant. As I +saw these manoeuvres going on, I could not help just giving a wink to +Lady Jane, as much as to say I knew what was what. “I guess +the young lady is looking for Somebody,” says I. It was +then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she blushed as red as +scarlet; but, after a minute, the good-natured little thing looked at +her sister, and both the young ladies put their handkerchiefs up to +their faces, and began laughing—laughing as if I had said the +funniest thing in the world.</p> +<p>“Il est charmant, votre monsieur,” said Lady Jane to +her grandmamma; and on which I bowed, and said, “Madame, vous +me faites beaucoup d’honneur:” for I know the French language, +and was pleased to find that these good ladies had taken a liking to +me. “I’m a poor humble lad, ma’am, not used +to London society, and do really feel it quite kind of you to take me +by the hand so, and give me a drive in your fine carriage.”</p> +<p>At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and +a tuft to his chin, came riding up to the carriage; and I knew by a +little start that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking round +the other way, that <i>Somebody</i> was come at last.</p> +<p>“Lady Drum,” said he, “your most devoted servant! +I have just been riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for +love of the beautiful Countess of Drum in the year—never mind +the year.”</p> +<p>“Was it Killblazes?” said the lady: “he’s +a dear old man, and I’m quite ready to go off with him this minute. +Or was it that delight of an old bishop? He’s got a lock +of my hair now—I gave it him when he was Papa’s chaplain; +and let me tell you it would be a hard matter to find another now in +the same place.”</p> +<p>“Law, my Lady!” says I, “you don’t say so?”</p> +<p>“But indeed I do, my good sir,” says she; “for +between ourselves, my head’s as bare as a cannon-ball—ask +Fanny if it isn’t. Such a fright as the poor thing got when +she was a babby, and came upon me suddenly in my dressing-room without +my wig!”</p> +<p>“I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock,” said +“Somebody,” looking first at her, and then at me as if he +had a mind to swallow me. And would you believe it? all that Lady +Fanny could say was, “Pretty well, I thank you, my Lord;” +and she said this with as much fluttering and blushing as we used to +say our Virgil at school—when we hadn’t learned it.</p> +<p>My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered something +about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum’s carriage, as +he was tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered something, too, +about “a friend of Grandmamma’s.”</p> +<p>“You should say a friend of yours, Fanny,” says Lady +Jane: “I am sure we should never have come to the Park if Fanny +had not insisted upon bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce +the Earl of Tiptoff to Mr. Titmarsh.” But, instead of taking +off his hat, as I did mine, his Lordship growled out that he hoped for +another opportunity, and galloped off again on his black horse. +Why the deuce I should have offended him I never could understand.</p> +<p>But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; +for who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund Preston, +one of His Majesty’s Secretaries of State (as I know very well +by the almanac in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane.</p> +<p>The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat +pale-faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air. +“Who the devil’s that?” said he to his wife, looking +surlily both at me and her.</p> +<p>“Oh, it’s a friend of Grandmamma’s and Jane’s,” +said Lady Fanny at once, looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite +archly at her sister—who in her turn appeared quite frightened, +and looked imploringly at her sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable. +“Yes, indeed,” continued Lady Fanny, “Mr. Titmarsh +is a cousin of Grandmamma’s by the mother’s side: by the +Hoggarty side. Didn’t you know the Hoggarties when you were +in Ireland, Edmund, with Lord Bagwig? Let me introduce you to +Grandmamma’s cousin, Mr. Titmarsh: Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. +Edmund Preston.”</p> +<p>There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister’s +foot as hard as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no +notice; and I, who had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded +as could be. But I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well +as that sly minx her grand-daughter did; for the old lady, who had just +before called poor Gus Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, the mania +of fancying all the world related to her, and said—</p> +<p>“Yes, we’re cousins, and not very far removed. +Mick Hoggarty’s grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my +Aunt Towzer were related, as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, +of Ballybrady, married an own cousin of Aunt Towzer’s mother, +Bell Swift—that was no relation of the Dean’s, my love, +who came but of a so-so family—and isn’t <i>that</i> clear?”</p> +<p>“Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma,” said Lady Jane, laughing, +while the right honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly.</p> +<p>“And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?—the thirteen +red-haired girls—the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy +used to call them. Poor Clan!—a cousin of yours and mine, +Mr. Titmarsh, and sadly in love with me he was too. Not remember +them <i>all</i> now, Edmund?—not remember?—not remember +Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and Widdy, and Mysie and Grizzy, and Polly +and Dolly and the rest?”</p> +<p>“D--- the Miss Hoggarties, ma’am,” said the right +honourable gent; and he said it with such energy, that his grey horse +gave a sudden lash out that well nigh sent him over his head. +Lady Jane screamed; Lady Fanny laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she +did not care twopence, and said “Serve you right for swearing, +you ojous man you!”</p> +<p>“Hadn’t you better come into the carriage, Edmund—Mr. +Preston?” cried out the lady, anxiously.</p> +<p>“Oh, I’m sure I’ll slip out, ma’am,” +says I.</p> +<p>“Pooh—pooh! don’t stir,” said Lady Drum: +“it’s my carriage; and if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at +a lady of my years in that ojous vulgar way—in that ojous vulgar +way I repeat—I don’t see why my friends should be inconvenienced +for him. Let him sit on the dicky if he likes, or come in and +ride bodkin.” It was quite clear that my Lady Drum hated +her grandson-in-law heartily; and I’ve remarked somehow in families +that this kind of hatred is by no means uncommon.</p> +<p>Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty’s Secretaries of State, was, +to tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to +get away from the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked +still paler than before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he dismounted +from the cob and gave the reins to his servant. I disliked the +looks of the chap—of the master, I mean—at the first moment +he came up, when he spoke rudely to that nice gentle wife of his; and +I thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of the cob showed +him to be. Heaven bless you! a baby could have ridden it; and +here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the very first kick.</p> +<p>“Oh, quick! <i>do</i> come in, Edmund,” said Lady Fanny, +laughing; and the carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great +scowl as he came in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny’s +corner (I warrant you I wouldn’t budge from mine), when the little +rogue cried out, “Oh, no! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut +the door, Thomas. And oh! what fun it will be to show all the +world a Secretary of State riding bodkin!”</p> +<p>And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you!</p> +<p>“Take my place, Edmund, and don’t mind Fanny’s +folly,” said Lady Jane, timidly.</p> +<p>“Oh no! Pray, madam, don’t stir! I’m +comfortable, very comfortable; and so I hope is this Mr.—this +gentleman.”</p> +<p>“Perfectly, I assure you,” says I. “I was +going to offer to ride your horse home for you, as you seemed to be +rather frightened at it; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here +that really I <i>couldn’t</i> move.”</p> +<p>Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!—how her +little eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up! I +couldn’t help speaking, for, look you, my blood was up.</p> +<p>“We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh,” +says she; and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, +and sneezed with the air of a lord.</p> +<p>“As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady +Jane Preston, hadn’t you better invite him home to dinner?” +says Mr. Preston, quite blue with rage.</p> +<p>“I invited him into my carriage,” says the old lady; +“and as we are going to dine at your house, and you press it, +I’m sure I shall be very happy to see him there.”</p> +<p>“I’m very sorry I’m engaged,” said I.</p> +<p>“Oh, indeed, what a pity!” says Right Honourable Ned, +still glowering at his wife. “What a pity that this gentleman—I +forget his name—that your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! +I am sure you would have had such gratification in meeting your relation +in Whitehall.”</p> +<p>Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure; but +this speech of Right Honourable Ned’s was rather too much. +“Now, Sam,” says I, “be a man and show your spirit!” +So I spoke up at once, and said, “Why, ladies, as the right honourable +gent is so <i>very</i> pressing, I’ll give up my engagement, and +shall have sincere pleasure in cutting mutton with him. What’s +your hour, sir?”</p> +<p>He didn’t condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; +for, you see, I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give +him a lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and +hear people cry out how vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask +three times for cheese, and such like points of ceremony, there’s +something, I think, much more vulgar than all this, and that is, insolence +to one’s inferiors. I hate the chap that uses it, as I scorn +him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion; and so I determined +to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my mind.</p> +<p>When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies +as politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking +hold of Mr. Preston’s button at the door, I said, before the ladies +and the two big servants—upon my word I did—“Sir,” +says I, “this kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I +rode in it to please her, not myself. When you came up and asked +who the devil I was, I thought you might have put the question in a +more polite manner; but it wasn’t my business to speak. +When, by way of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would +answer in a joke too, and here I am. But don’t be frightened; +I’m not a-going to dine with you: only if you play the same joke +upon other parties—on some of the chaps in our office, for example—I +recommend you to have a care, or they will <i>take you at your word</i>.”</p> +<p>“Is that all, sir?” says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. +“If you have done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants +turn you out? Turn out this fellow! do you hear me?” and +he broke away from me, and flung into his study in a rage.</p> +<p>“He’s an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband +of yours!” said Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder grand-daughter’s +arm, “and I hate him; and so come away, for the dinner’ll +be getting cold:” and she was for hurrying away Lady Jane without +more ado. But that kind lady, coming forward, looking very pale +and trembling, said, “Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope you’ll not +be angry—that is, that you’ll forget what has happened, +for, believe me, it has given me very great—”</p> +<p>Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing’s +eyes filled with tears; and Lady Drum crying out “Tut, tut! none +of this nonsense,” pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. +But little Lady Fanny walked boldly up to me, and held me out her little +hand, and gave mine such a squeeze and said, “Good-bye, my dear +Mr. Titmarsh,” so very kindly, that I’m blest if I did not +blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my body began to tingle.</p> +<p>So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out +of the hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a lion; +and all I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning footmen should +say or do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might +have the pleasure of knocking him down, with my best compliments to +his master. But neither of them did me any such favour! and I +went away and dined at home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins +quite peacefully.</p> +<p>I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, +is rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the particulars +of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and +so just said that the old lady—(“They were the Drum arms,” +says Gus; “for I went and looked them out that minute in the ‘Peerage’”)—that +the old lady turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken +me to drive in the Park. Next day we went to the office as usual, +when you may be sure that Hoskins told everything of what had happened, +and a great deal more; and somehow, though I did not pretend to care +sixpence about the matter, I must confess that I <i>was</i> rather pleased +that the gents in our office should hear of a part of my adventure.</p> +<p>But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. +Stokes the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master Bob +Stokes her son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles +on St. Bride’s steps and in Salisbury Square),—when I found +them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before me to our rooms on +the second floor, and there, on the table, between our two flutes on +one side, my album, Gus’s “Don Juan” and “Peerage” +on the other, I saw as follows:—</p> +<p>1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of +my dear Mary Smith.</p> +<p>2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes.</p> +<p>3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but +Mrs. Stokes said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she +saw.</p> +<p>And three cards—viz.</p> +<p>DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM.<br /> +LADY FANNY RAKES.</p> +<p>MR. PRESTON.<br /> +LADY JANE PRESTON.</p> +<p>EARL OF TIPTOFF.</p> +<p>“Sich a carriage!” says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the +way the poor thing spoke). “Sich a carriage—all over +coronites! sich liveries—two great footmen, with red whiskers +and yellow-plush small-clothes; and inside, a very old lady in a white +poke bonnet, and a young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, +and a great tall pale gentleman with a tuft on his chin.</p> +<p>“‘Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?’ says +the young lady, with her clear voice.</p> +<p>“‘Yes, my Lady,’ says I; ‘but he’s +at the office—the West Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, Cornhill.’</p> +<p>“‘Charles, get out the things,’ says the gentleman, +quite solemn.</p> +<p>“‘Yes, my Lord,’ says Charles; and brings me out +the haunch in a newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and +the two baskets of fruit besides.</p> +<p>“‘Have the kindness, madam,’ says my Lord, ‘to +take these things to Mr. Titmarsh’s rooms, with our, with Lady +Jane Preston’s compliments, and request his acceptance of them;’ +and then he pulled out the cards on your table, and this letter, sealed +with his Lordship’s own crown.”</p> +<p>And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to +this day, by the way, and which runs thus:—</p> +<blockquote><p>“The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady +Jane Preston to express her sincere regret and disappointment that she +was not able yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh’s +company. Lady Jane is about to leave town immediately: she will +therefore be unable to receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season. +But Lord Tiptoff trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to +accept some of the produce of her Ladyship’s garden and park; +with which, perhaps, he will entertain some of those friends in whose +favour he knows so well how to speak.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>Along with this was a little note, containing the words “Lady +Drum at home. Friday evening, June 17.” And all this +came to me because my aunt Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin!</p> +<p>I did not send back the venison: as why should I? Gus was for +sending it at once to Brough, our director; and the grapes and peaches +to my aunt in Somersetshire.</p> +<p>“But no,” says I; “we’ll ask Bob Swinney +and half-a-dozen more of our gents; and we’ll have a merry night +of it on Saturday.” And a merry night we had too; and as +we had no wine in the cupboard, we had plenty of ale, and gin-punch +afterwards. And Gus sat at the foot of the table, and I at the +head; and we sang songs, both comic and sentimental, and drank toasts; +and I made a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning here, +because, <i>entre nous</i>, I had quite forgotten in the morning everything +that had taken place after a certain period on the night before.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER IV</h2> +<p>HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-WEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE</p> +<p>I did not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on +Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let Hoskins +have the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place,—for +we all have our little vanities, and I liked to be thought well of by +my companions.</p> +<p>When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in which +the chaps looked at me; especially Abednego, who offered me a pinch +out of his gold snuff-box the very first thing. Roundhand shook +me, too, warmly by the hand, when he came round to look over my day-book, +said I wrote a capital hand (and indeed I believe I do, without any +sort of flattery), and invited me for dinner next Sunday, in Myddelton +Square. “You won’t have,” said he, “quite +such a grand turn-out as with <i>your friends at the West End</i>”—he +said this with a particular accent—“but Amelia and I are +always happy to see a friend in our plain way,—pale sherry, old +port, and cut and come again. Hey?”</p> +<p>I said I would come and bring Hoskins too.</p> +<p>He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very happy +to see Hoskins; and we went accordingly at the appointed day and hour; +but though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I remarked that at +dinner I was helped first and best. I had twice as many force-meat +balls as Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty nearly all the oysters +out of the sauce-boat. Once, Roundhand was going to help Gus before +me; when his wife, who was seated at the head of the table, looking +very big and fierce in red crape and a turban, shouted out, “<span class="smcap">Antony</span>!” +and poor R. dropped the plate, and blushed as red as anything. +How Mrs. R. did talk to me about the West End to be sure! She +had a “Peerage,” as you may be certain, and knew everything +about the Drum family in a manner that quite astonished me. She +asked me how much Lord Drum had a year; whether I thought he had twenty, +thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty thousand a year; whether I was +invited to Drum Castle; what the young ladies wore, and if they had +those odious <i>gigot</i> sleeves which were just coming in then; and +here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of large mottled arms that she was very +proud of.</p> +<p>“I say, Sam my boy!” cried, in the midst of our talk, +Mr. Roundhand, who had been passing the port-wine round pretty freely, +“I hope you looked to the main chance, and put in a few shares +of the West Diddlesex,—hey?”</p> +<p>“Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs?” +cries the lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation.</p> +<p>“No, Milly, I’ve emptied ’em,” says R.</p> +<p>“Don’t Milly me, sir! and have the goodness to go down +and tell Lancy my maid” (<i>a look at me</i>) “to make the +tea in the study. We have a gentleman here who is not <i>used</i> +to Pentonville ways” (<i>another look</i>); “but he won’t +mind the ways of <i>friends</i>.” And here Mrs. Roundhand +heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look that was so severe, +that I declare to goodness it made me look quite foolish. As to +Gus, she never so much as spoke to him all the evening; but he consoled +himself with a great lot of muffins, and sat most of the evening (it +was a cruel hot summer) whistling and talking with Roundhand on the +verandah. I think I should like to have been with them,—for +it was very close in the room with that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing +close up to one on the sofa.</p> +<p>“Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?” +I heard Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the +girls coming home from church. “You and me with our coats +off, plenty of cold rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a +whole box of Manillas?”</p> +<p>“Hush!” said Roundhand, quite eagerly; “Milly will +hear.”</p> +<p>But Milly didn’t hear: for she was occupied in telling me an +immense long story about her waltzing with the Count de Schloppenzollern +at the City ball to the Allied Sovereigns; and how the Count had great +large white moustaches; and how odd she thought it to go whirling round +the room with a great man’s arm round your waist. “Mr. +Roundhand has never allowed it since our marriage—never; but in +the year ’fourteen it was considered a proper compliment, you +know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young ladies, of the +best families in the City of London, I assure you, Mr. Titmarsh—there +was the Lord Mayor’s own daughters; Alderman Dobbins’s gals; +Sir Charles Hopper’s three, who have the great house in Baker +Street; and your humble servant, who was rather slimmer in those days—twenty-nine +of us had a dancing-master on purpose, and practised waltzing in a room +over the Egyptian Hall at the Mansion House. He was a splendid +man, that Count Schloppenzollern!”</p> +<p>“I am sure, ma’am,” says I, “he had a splendid +partner!” and blushed up to my eyes when I said it.</p> +<p>“Get away, you naughty creature!” says Mrs. Roundhand, +giving me a great slap: “you’re all the same, you men in +the West End—all deceivers. The Count was just like you. +Heigho! Before you marry, it’s all honey and compliments; +when you win us, it’s all coldness and indifference. Look +at Roundhand, the great baby, trying to beat down a butterfly with his +yellow bandanna! Can a man like <i>that</i> comprehend me? can +he fill the void in my heart?” (She pronounced it without +the h; but that there should be no mistake, laid her hand upon the place +meant.) “Ah, no! Will <i>you</i> be so neglectful +when <i>you</i> marry, Mr. Titmarsh?”</p> +<p>As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, +and I fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, walking +home to her grandmother’s, in her modest grey cloak, as the bells +were chiming and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, and the +river shining in the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and silver. +There was my dear Mary a hundred and twenty miles off, in Somersetshire, +walking home from church along with Mr. Snorter’s family, with +which she came and went; and I was listening to the talk of this great +leering vulgar woman.</p> +<p>I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you +have heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my chest, +I tore my fingers with the point of my new <span class="smcap">diamond-pin</span>. +Mr. Polonius had sent it home the night before, and I sported it for +the first time at Roundhand’s to dinner.</p> +<p>“It’s a beautiful diamond,” said Mrs. Roundhand. +“I have been looking at it all dinner-time. How rich you +must be to wear such splendid things! and how can you remain in a vulgar +office in the City—you who have such great acquaintances at the +West End?”</p> +<p>The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off +the sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word,—ay, +and half broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the gents +in the open air. “Gus,” says I, “I feel very +unwell: I wish you’d come home with me.” And Gus did +not desire anything better; for he had ogled the last girl out of the +last church, and the night was beginning to fall.</p> +<p>“What! already?” said Mrs. Roundhand; “there is +a lobster coming up,—a trifling refreshment; not what he’s +accustomed to, but—”</p> +<p>I am sorry to say I nearly said, “D--- the lobster!” +as Roundhand went and whispered to her that I was ill.</p> +<p>“Ay,” said Gus, looking very knowing. “Recollect, +Mrs. R., that he was <i>at the West End</i> on Thursday, asked to dine, +ma’am, with the tip-top nobs. Chaps don’t dine at +the West End for nothing, do they, R.? If you play at <i>bowls</i>, +you know—”</p> +<p>“You must look out for <i>rubbers</i>,” said Roundhand, +as quick as thought.</p> +<p>“Not in my house of a Sunday,” said Mrs. R., looking +very fierce and angry. “Not a card shall be touched here. +Are we in a Protestant land, sir? in a Christian country?”</p> +<p>“My dear, you don’t understand. We were not talking +of rubbers of whist.”</p> +<p>“There shall be <i>no</i> game at all in the house of a Sabbath +eve,” said Mrs. Roundhand; and out she flounced from the room, +without ever so much as wishing us good-night.</p> +<p>“Do stay,” said the husband, looking very much frightened,—“do +stay. She won’t come back while you’re here; and I +do wish you’d stay so.”</p> +<p>But we wouldn’t: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave +Gus a lecture about spending his Sundays idly; and read out one of Blair’s +sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over in bed, I could +not help thinking about the luck the pin had brought me; and it was +not over yet, as you will see in the next chapter.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER V</h2> +<p>HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE</p> +<p>To tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it +almost the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure you it was by +no means the last thing in my thoughts. It had come home from +Mr. Polonius’s, as I said, on Saturday night; and Gus and I happened +to be out enjoying ourselves, half-price, at Sadler’s Wells; and +perhaps we took a little refreshment on our way back: but that has nothing +to do with my story.</p> +<p>On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller’s; +and when I took it out,—<i>my</i>, how the diamond did twinkle +and glitter by the light of our one candle!</p> +<p>“I’m sure it would light up the room of itself,” +says Gus. “I’ve read they do in—in history.”</p> +<p>It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the “Arabian +Nights,” as I knew very well. But we put the candle out, +nevertheless, to try.</p> +<p>“Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place!” +says Gus; but the fact was, that there was a gas-lamp opposite our window, +and I believe that was the reason why we could see pretty well. +At least in my bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without a candle, +and of which the window looked out on a dead wall, I could not see a +wink, in spite of the Hoggarty diamond, and was obliged to grope about +in the dark for a pincushion which Somebody gave me (I don’t mind +owning it was Mary Smith), and in which I stuck it for the night. +But, somehow, I did not sleep much for thinking of it, and woke very +early in the morning; and, if the truth must be told, stuck it in my +night-gown, like a fool, and admired myself very much in the glass.</p> +<p>Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and especially +since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, he thought I was the +finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his “West End friend” +everywhere.</p> +<p>As we were going to dine at Roundhand’s, and I had no black +satin stock to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the frill of +my best shirt, which tore the muslin sadly, by the way. However, +the diamond had its effect on my entertainers, as we have seen; rather +too much perhaps on one of them; and next day I wore it down at the +office, as Gus would make me do; though it did not look near so well +in the second day’s shirt as on the first day, when the linen +was quite clear and bright with Somersetshire washing.</p> +<p>The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that +snarling Scotchman M’Whirter, fourth clerk,—out of envy +because I did not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carum-gorum, +or some such thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, as he called it,—all +except M’Whirter, I say, were delighted with it; and Abednego +himself, who ought to know, as his father was in the line, told me the +jewel was worth at least ten poundsh, and that his governor would give +me as much for it.</p> +<p>“That’s a proof,” says Roundhand, “that Tit’s +diamond is worth at least thirty.” And we all laughed, and +agreed it was.</p> +<p>Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag +paid me, turned my head a little; and as all the chaps said I <i>must</i> +have a black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to buy +a stock that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam’s in +Piccadilly: for Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, and +have none of our cheap and common East End stuff. I might have +had one for sixteen and six in Cheapside, every whit as good; but when +a young lad becomes vain, and wants to be fashionable, you see he can’t +help being extravagant.</p> +<p>Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of venison +business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right Honourable +Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was her Ladyship’s +first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me, and no worse than +before.</p> +<p>Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for Rottenburgh; +and being considered one of the richest men in the City of London, used +to receive all the great people of the land at his villa at Fulham; +and we often read in the papers of the rare doings going on there.</p> +<p>Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely with +making me a present of a ride in a countess’s carriage, of a haunch +of venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at Roundhand’s +above described, my diamond had other honours in store for me, and procured +me the honour of an invitation to the house of our director, Mr. Brough.</p> +<p>Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his +house at Fulham; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought back +by one or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of the most +magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw Members of +Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and ladies without +end. There was everything and everybody of the tip-top sort; and +I have heard that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, supplied the ices, +supper, and footmen,—though of the latter Brough kept a plenty, +but not enough to serve the host of people who came to him. The +party, it must be remembered, was <i>Mrs</i>. Brough’s party, +not the gentleman’s,—he being in the Dissenting way, would +scarcely sanction any entertainments of the kind: but he told his City +friends that his lady governed him in everything; and it was generally +observed that most of them would allow their daughters to go to the +ball if asked, on account of the immense number of the nobility which +our director assembled together: Mrs. Roundhand, I know, for one, would +have given one of her ears to go; but, as I have said before, nothing +would induce Brough to ask her.</p> +<p>Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother +of an East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited, +as we knew very well: for they had received their invitations many weeks +before, and bragged about them not a little. But two days before +the ball, and after my diamond-pin had had its due effect upon the gents +at the office, Abednego, who had been in the directors’ room, +came to my desk with a great smirk, and said, “Tit, Mr. B. says +that he expects you will come down with Roundhand to the ball on Thursday.” +I thought Moses was joking,—at any rate, that Mr. B.’s message +was a queer one; for people don’t usually send invitations in +that abrupt peremptory sort of way; but, sure enough, he presently came +down himself and confirmed it, saying, as he was going out of the office, +“Mr. Titmarsh, you will come down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough’s +party, where you will see some relations of yours.”</p> +<p>“West End again!” says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly +down I went, taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself, +Gutch, and me, and for which he very generously paid eight shillings.</p> +<p>There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps +in the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that came +in at the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor the ices, +fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within. The whole +description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, by a reporter +who observed the same from the “Yellow Lion” over the way, +and told it in his journal in the most accurate manner; getting an account +of the dresses of the great people from their footmen and coachmen, +when they came to the alehouse for their porter. As for the names +of the guests, they, you may be sure, found their way to the same newspaper: +and a great laugh was had at my expense, because among the titles of +the great people mentioned my name appeared in the list of the “Honourables.” +Next day, Brough advertised “a hundred and fifty guineas reward +for an emerald necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at Fulham;” +though some of our people said that no such thing was lost at all, and +that Brough only wanted to advertise the magnificence of his society; +but this doubt was raised by persons not invited, and envious no doubt.</p> +<p>Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in +my best clothes, viz. my blue coat and brass buttons before mentioned, +nankeen trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, and a pair of +white gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat was of country +make, very high in the waist and short in the sleeves, and I suppose +must have looked rather odd to some of the great people assembled, for +they stared at me a great deal, and a whole crowd formed to see me dance—which +I did to the best of my power, performing all the steps accurately and +with great agility, as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the +country.</p> +<p>And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? With +no less a person than Lady Jane Preston; who, it appears, had not gone +out of town, and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, +and asked me to dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady +Fanny Rakes for our vis-à-vis.</p> +<p>You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and admired +my dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite different to +the rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who walked through +the quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and stared at my activity +with all their might. But when I have a dance I like to enjoy +myself: and Mary Smith often said I was the very best partner at our +assemblies. While we were dancing, I told Lady Jane how Roundhand, +Gutch, and I, had come down three in a cab, besides the driver; and +my account of our adventures made her Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. +Lucky it was for me that I didn’t go back in the same vehicle; +for the driver went and intoxicated himself at the “Yellow Lion,” +threw out Gutch and our head clerk as he was driving them back, and +actually fought Gutch afterwards and blacked his eye, because he said +that Gutch’s red waistcoat frightened the horse.</p> +<p>Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for +she said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I would +accept it; and positively, at two o’clock in the morning, there +was I, after setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to Salisbury +Square in a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps and two tall +footmen, who nearly knocked the door and the whole little street down +with the noise they made at the rapper. You should have seen Gus’s +head peeping out of window in his white nightcap! He kept me up +the whole night telling him about the ball, and the great people I had +seen there; and next day he told at the office my stories, with his +own usual embroideries upon them.</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh,” said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, “who +is that great fat curious man, the master of the house? Do you +know he asked me if you were not related to us? and I said, ‘Oh, +yes, you were.’”</p> +<p>“Fanny!” says Lady Jane.</p> +<p>“Well,” answered the other, “did not Grandmamma +say Mr. Titmarsh was her cousin?”</p> +<p>“But you know that Grandmamma’s memory is not very good.”</p> +<p>“Indeed, you’re wrong, Lady Jane,” says my Lord; +“I think it’s prodigious.”</p> +<p>“Yes, but not very—not very accurate.”</p> +<p>“No, my Lady,” says I; “for her Ladyship, the Countess +of Drum, said, if you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins—”</p> +<p>“Whose cause you supported so bravely,” cries Lady Fanny.</p> +<p>“—That my friend Gus is her Ladyship’s cousin too, +which cannot be, for I know all his family: they live in Skinner Street +and St. Mary Axe, and are not—not quite so <i>respectable</i> +as <i>my</i> relatives.”</p> +<p>At this they all began to laugh; and my Lord said, rather haughtily—</p> +<p>“Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your +cousin than she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson.”</p> +<p>“Hoskins, my Lord—and so I told Gus; but you see he is +very fond of me, and <i>will</i> have it that I am related to Lady D.: +and say what I will to the contrary, tells the story everywhere. +Though to be sure,” added I with a laugh, “it has gained +me no small good in my time.” So I described to the party +our dinner at Mrs. Roundhand’s, which all came from my diamond-pin, +and my reputation as a connection of the aristocracy. Then I thanked +Lady Jane handsomely for her magnificent present of fruit and venison, +and told her that it had entertained a great number of kind friends +of mine, who had drunk her Ladyship’s health with the greatest +gratitude.</p> +<p>“<i>A haunch of venison</i>!” cried Lady Jane, quite +astonished; “indeed, Mr. Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand +you.”</p> +<p>As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and +turning her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff.</p> +<p>“Why, Lady Jane,” said he, “if the truth must out, +the great haunch of venison trick was one of this young lady’s +performing. You must know that I had received the above-named +haunch from Lord Guttlebury’s park: and knowing that Preston is +not averse to Guttlebury venison, was telling Lady Drum (in whose carriage +I had a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was not in the way), that I intended +the haunch for your husband’s table. Whereupon my Lady Fanny, +clapping together her little hands, declared and vowed that the venison +should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a gentleman about whose +adventures on the day previous we had just been talking—to Mr. +Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny vowed, had used most cruelly, +and to whom, she said, a reparation was due. So my Lady Fanny +insists upon our driving straight to my rooms in the Albany (you know +I am only to stay in my bachelor’s quarters a month longer)—”</p> +<p>“Nonsense!” says Lady Fanny.</p> +<p>“—Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the +Albany, extracting thence the above-named haunch—”</p> +<p>“Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it,” cries Lady +Fanny.</p> +<p>“—And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh’s +house in the City, where the venison was left, in company with a couple +of baskets of fruit bought at Grange’s by Lady Fanny herself.”</p> +<p>“And what was more,” said Lady Fanny, “I made Grandmamma +go into Fr—into Lord Tiptoff’s rooms, and dictated out of +my own mouth the letter which he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of +venison that his hideous old housekeeper brought us—I am quite +jealous of her—I pinned up the haunch of venison in a copy of +the John Bull newspaper.”</p> +<p>It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus +and I read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed ourselves with +laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and good-natured +Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped I would too: +which I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose to repeat the +offence.</p> +<p>I never had any more venison from the family; but I’ll tell +you <i>what</i> I had. About a month after came a card of “Lord +and Lady Tiptoff,” and a great piece of plum-cake; of which, I +am sorry to say, Gus ate a great deal too much.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VI</h2> +<p>OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND +HAD THERE</p> +<p>Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after +Mrs. Brough’s grand party, our director called me up to his room +at the West Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking +awhile about business, said, “That’s a very fine diamond-pin, +Master Titmarsh” (he spoke in a grave patronising way), “and +I called you on purpose to speak to you upon the subject. I do +not object to seeing the young men of this establishment well and handsomely +dressed; but I know that their salaries cannot afford ornaments like +those, and I grieve to see you with a thing of such value. You +have paid for it, sir,—I trust you have paid for it; for, of all +things, my dear—dear young friend, beware of debt.”</p> +<p>I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about +debt and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had been +asking about it already, and how I came by it—Abednego told me +so. “Why, sir,” says I, “Mr. Abednego told me +that he had told you that I had told him—”</p> +<p>“Oh, ay-by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh—I do +recollect—yes; though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I +have other more important things to remember.”</p> +<p>“Oh, sir, in course,” says I.</p> +<p>“That one of the clerks <i>did</i> say something about a pin—that +one of the other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, +was it?”</p> +<p>“It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle +Hoggarty,” said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud +of Castle Hoggarty.</p> +<p>“She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh?”</p> +<p>“Why, thank you, sir,” says I, “she is pretty well +off. Four hundred a year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir; +three houses at Squashtail; and three thousand two hundred loose cash +at the banker’s, as I happen to know, sir,—<i>that’s +all</i>.”</p> +<p>I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in +Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt’s agent in Ireland, wrote +to say that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan’s property had +just been paid off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts’s. +Ireland was in a very disturbed state in those days; and my aunt wisely +determined not to invest her money in that country any more, but to +look out for some good security in England. However, as she had +always received six per cent. in Ireland, she would not hear of a smaller +interest; and had warned me, as I was a commercial man, on coming to +town, to look out for some means by which she could invest her money +at that rate at least.</p> +<p>“And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty’s property +so accurately?” said Mr. Brough; upon which I told him.</p> +<p>“Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the +West Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as +to the manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her +about the Company which you have the honour to serve? Do you mean, +sir, that you, knowing there was a bonus of five per cent. for yourself +upon shares taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join us?”</p> +<p>“Sir,” says I, “I’m an honest man, and would +not take a bonus from my own relation.”</p> +<p>“Honest I know you are, my boy—give me your hand! +So am I honest—so is every man in this Company honest; but we +must be prudent as well. We have five millions of capital on our +books, as you see—five <i>bonâ fide</i> millions of <i>bonâ +fide</i> sovereigns paid up, sir,—there is no dishonesty there. +But why should we not have twenty millions—a hundred millions? +Why should not this be the greatest commercial Association in the world?—as +it shall be, sir,—it shall, as sure as my name is John Brough, +if Heaven bless my honest endeavours to establish it! But do you +suppose that it can be so, unless every man among us use his utmost +exertions to forward the success of the enterprise? Never, sir,—never; +and, for me, I say so everywhere. I glory in what I do. +There is not a house in which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the +West Diddlesex. There is not a single tradesman I employ, but +has shares in it to some amount. My servants, sir,—my very +servants and grooms, are bound up with it. And the first question +I ask of anyone who applies to me for a place is, Are you insured or +a shareholder in the West Diddlesex? the second, Have you a good character? +And if the first question is answered in the negative, I say to the +party coming to me, Then be a shareholder before you ask for a place +in my household. Did you not see me—me, John Brough, whose +name is good for millions—step out of my coach-and-four into this +office, with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr. Roundhand +as the price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate? +Did you remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound?”</p> +<p>“Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy-three +ten and six—Thursday week,” says I.</p> +<p>“And why did I deduct that shilling, sir? Because it +was <i>my commission</i>—John Brough’s commission; honestly +earned by him, and openly taken. Was there any disguise about +it? No. Did I do it for the love of a shilling? No,” +says Brough, laying his hand on his heart, “I did it from <i>principle</i>,—from +that motive which guides every one of my actions, as I can look up to +Heaven and say. I wish all my young men to see my example, and +follow it: I wish—I pray that they may. Think of that example, +sir. That porter of mine has a sick wife and nine young children: +he is himself a sick man, and his tenure of life is feeble; he has earned +money, sir, in my service—sixty pounds and more—it is all +his children have to look to—all: but for that, in the event of +his death, they would be houseless beggars in the street. And +what have I done for that family, sir? I have put that money out +of the reach of Robert Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing +to his family at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares +in this office; and Robert Gates, my lodge-porter, is a holder of three +shares in the West Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your +master and mine. Do you think I want to <i>cheat</i> Gates?”</p> +<p>“Oh, sir!” says I.</p> +<p>“To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent +children!—you can’t think so, sir; I should be a disgrace +to human nature if I did. But what boots all my energy and perseverance? +What though I place my friends’ money, my family’s money, +my own money—my hopes, wishes, desires, ambitions—all upon +this enterprise? You young men will not do so. You, whom +I treat with love and confidence as my children, make no return to me. +When I toil, you remain still; when I struggle, you look on. Say +the word at once,—you doubt me! O heavens, that this should +be the reward of all my care and love for you!”</p> +<p>Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, +and I confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which I had +been guilty.</p> +<p>“Sir,” says I, “I am very—very sorry: it +was a matter of delicacy, rather than otherwise, which induced me not +to speak to my aunt about the West Diddlesex.”</p> +<p>“Delicacy, my dear dear boy—as if there can be any delicacy +about making your aunt’s fortune! Say indifference to me, +say ingratitude, say folly,—but don’t say delicacy—no, +no, not delicacy. Be honest, my boy, and call things by their +right names—always do.”</p> +<p>“It <i>was</i> folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough,” says +I: “I see it all now; and I’ll write to my aunt this very +post.”</p> +<p>“You had better do no such thing,” says Brough, bitterly: +“the stocks are at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per +cent. for her money.”</p> +<p>“I <i>will</i> write, sir,—upon my word and honour, I +will write.”</p> +<p>“Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never +break your word—no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh. Send me up +the letter when you have done, and I’ll frank it—upon my +word and honour I will,” says Mr. Brough, laughing, and holding +out his hand to me.</p> +<p>I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly—“You may as +well sit down here,” says he, as he kept hold of it; “there +is plenty of paper.”</p> +<p>And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote, +“Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822,” and +“My dear Aunt,” in the best manner possible. Then +I paused a little, thinking what I should next say; for I have always +found that difficulty about letters. The date and My dear So-and-so +one writes off immediately—it is the next part which is hard; +and I put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my chair, and began +to think about it.</p> +<p>“Bah!” said Brough, “are you going to be about +this letter all day, my good fellow? Listen to me, and I’ll +dictate to you in a moment.” So he began:—</p> +<blockquote><p>“My Dear Aunt,—Since my return from Somersetshire, +I am very happy indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing +director of our Association and the Board, that they have been good +enough to appoint me third clerk—”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>“Sir!” says I.</p> +<p>“Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed +by the board yesterday, quits the clerk’s desk and takes the title +of secretary and actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego +follows him; and I place you as third clerk—as</p> +<blockquote><p>“third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred +and fifty pounds per annum. This news will, I know, gratify my +dear mother and you, who have been a second mother to me all my life.</p> +<p>“When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to +the best mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless in +your banker’s hands. I have since lost no opportunity of +gaining what information I could: and situated here as I am, in the +very midst of affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good +a person to apply to as many others of greater age and standing.</p> +<p>“I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, +but feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing so. I did not +wish that anyone should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could +move me in any way.</p> +<p>“But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex +Association offers the best security that you can expect for your capital, +and, at the same time, the highest interest you can anywhere procure.</p> +<p>“The situation of the Company, as I have it from <i>the very +best authority</i> (underline that), is as follows:—</p> +<p>“The subscribed and <i>bonâ fide</i> capital is <span class="smcap">five +millions sterling</span>.</p> +<p>“The body of directors you know. Suffice it to say that +the managing director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and +Hoff, a Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. Rothschild +in the City of London. His private fortune, I know for a fact, +amounts to half a million; and the last dividends paid to the shareholders +of the I. W. D. Association amounted to 6.125 per cent. per annum.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>[That I know was the dividend declared by us.]</p> +<blockquote><p>“Although the shares in the market are at a very +great premium, it is the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose +of a certain number, 5,000<i>l</i>. each at par; and if you, my dearest +aunt, would wish for 2,500<i>l</i>. worth, I hope you will allow me +to oblige you by offering you so much of my new privileges.</p> +<p>“Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have +already an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market price.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>“But I haven’t, sir,” says I.</p> +<p>“You have, sir. <i>I</i> will take the shares; but I +want <i>you</i>. I want as many respectable persons in the Company +as I can bring. I want you because I like you, and I don’t +mind telling you that I have views of my own as well; for I am an honest +man and say openly what I mean, and I’ll tell you <i>why</i> I +want you. I can’t, by the regulations of the Company, have +more than a certain number of votes, but if your aunt takes shares, +I expect—I don’t mind owning it—that she will vote +with me. <i>Now</i> do you understand me? My object is to +be all in all with the Company; and if I be, I will make it the most +glorious enterprise that ever was conducted in the City of London.”</p> +<p>So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank.</p> +<p>The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk’s +desk, being led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, much +to the annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their services: +though, as for the matter of that, our services were very much alike: +the Company was only three years old, and the oldest clerk in it had +not six months’ more standing in it than I. “Look +out,” said that envious M’Whirter to me. “Have +you got money, or have any of your relations money? or are any of them +going to put it into the concern?”</p> +<p>I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his mull, +and was always kind to him; and he, to say the truth, was always most +civil to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I was a superior +being; and I must say that the rest of the chaps behaved very kindly +in the matter, and said that if one man were to be put over their heads +before another, they would have pitched upon me, for I had never harmed +any of them, and done little kindnesses to several.</p> +<p>“I know,” says Abednego, “how you got the place. +It was I who got it you. I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston’s, +the Lord of the Treasury, had venison from him and all that; and depend +upon it he expects that you will be able to do him some good in that +quarter.”</p> +<p>I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because +our governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my cousin; +told me to push the concern in the West End of the town, get as many +noblemen as we could to insure with us, and so on. It was in vain +I said I could do nothing with Mr. Preston. “Bah! bah!” +says Mr. Brough, “don’t tell <i>me</i>. People don’t +send haunches of venison to you for nothing;” and I’m convinced +he thought I was a very cautious prudent fellow, for not bragging about +my great family, and keeping my connection with them a secret. +To be sure he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived with +me; but Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the nobility, +and boasted about me ten times as much as I did myself.</p> +<p>The chaps used to call me the “West Ender.”</p> +<p>“See,” thought I, “what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty +giving me a diamond-pin! What a lucky thing it is that she did +not give me the money, as I hoped she would! Had I not had the +pin—had I even taken it to any other person but Mr. Polonius, +Lady Drum would never have noticed me; had Lady Drum never noticed me, +Mr. Brough never would, and I never should have been third clerk of +the West Diddlesex.”</p> +<p>I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my +appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning that a “certain +event,” for which one of us was longing very earnestly, might +come off sooner than we had expected. And why not? Miss +S.’s own fortune was 70<i>l</i>. a year, mine was 150<i>l</i>., +and when we had 300<i>l</i>., we always vowed we would marry. +“Ah!” thought I, “if I could but go to Somersetshire +now, I might boldly walk up to old Smith’s door” (he was +her grandfather, and a half-pay lieutenant of the navy), “I might +knock at the knocker and see my beloved Mary in the parlour, and not +be obliged to sneak behind hayricks on the look-out for her, or pelt +stones at midnight at her window.”</p> +<p>My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter. +She had not determined, she said, as to the manner in which she should +employ her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer into consideration; +begging me to keep my shares open for a little while, until her mind +was made up.</p> +<p>What, then, does Mr. Brough do? I learned afterwards, in the +year 1830, when he and the West Diddlesex Association had disappeared +altogether, how he had proceeded.</p> +<p>“Who are the attorneys at Slopperton?” says he to me +in a careless way.</p> +<p>“Mr. Ruck, sir,” says I, “is the Tory solicitor, +and Messrs. Hodge and Smithers the Liberals.” I knew them +very well, for the fact is, before Mary Smith came to live in our parts, +I was rather partial to Miss Hodge, and her great gold-coloured ringlets; +but Mary came and soon put <i>her</i> nose out of joint, as the saying +is.</p> +<p>“And you are of what politics?”</p> +<p>“Why, sir, we are Liberals.” I was rather ashamed +of this, for Mr. Brough was an out-and-out Tory; but Hodge and Smithers +is a most respectable firm. I brought up a packet from them to +Hickson, Dixon, Paxton, and Jackson, <i>our</i> solicitors, who are +their London correspondents.</p> +<p>Mr. Brough only said, “Oh, indeed!” and did not talk +any further on the subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very much.</p> +<p>“Titmarsh, my dear boy,” says he, “I have a young +lady at Fulham who is worth seeing, I assure you, and who has heard +so much about you from her father (for I like you, my boy, I don’t +care to own it), that she is rather anxious to see you too. Suppose +you come down to us for a week? Abednego will do your work.”</p> +<p>“Law, sir! you are very kind,” says I.</p> +<p>“Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret. +But hark ye! I don’t think, my dear fellow, you are quite +smart enough—quite well enough dressed. Do you understand +me?”</p> +<p>“I’ve my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir.”</p> +<p>“What! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that +you wore at Mrs. Brough’s party?” (It <i>was</i> rather +high-waisted, being made in the country two years before.) “No—no, +that will never do. Get some new clothes, sir,—two new suits +of clothes.”</p> +<p>“Sir!” says I, “I’m already, if the truth +must be told, very short of money for this quarter, and can’t +afford myself a new suit for a long time to come.”</p> +<p>“Pooh, pooh! don’t let that annoy you. Here’s +a ten-pound note—but no, on second thoughts, you may as well go +to my tailor’s. I’ll drive you down there: and never +mind the bill, my good lad!” And drive me down he actually +did, in his grand coach-and-four, to Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford Street, +who took my measure, and sent me home two of the finest coats ever seen, +a dress-coat and a frock, a velvet waist-coat, a silk ditto, and three +pairs of pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told me +to get some boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings; so that +when the time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome +as any young nobleman, and Gus said that “I looked, by Jingo, +like a regular tip-top swell.”</p> +<p>In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to Hodge +and Smithers:—</p> +<blockquote><p>“<span class="smcap">Ram Alley</span>, <span class="smcap">Cornhill</span>, +<span class="smcap">London</span>: <i>July</i> 1822.</p> +<p>“<span class="smcap">Dear Sirs</span>,</p> +<p>* * * * *</p> +<p>[This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon +v. Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, I am not permitted +to extract.]</p> +<p>* * * * *</p> +<p>“Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the +Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of which +we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We wrote to +you last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton and Somerset +agency for the same, and have been expecting for some time back that +either shares or assurances should be effected by you.</p> +<p>“The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions +sterling (say 5,000,000<i>l</i>.), and we are in a situation to offer +more than the usual commission to our agents of the legal profession. +We shall be happy to give a premium of 6 per cent. for shares to the +amount of 1,000<i>l</i>., 6.5 per cent. above a thousand, to be paid +immediately upon the taking of the shares.</p> +<p>“I am, dear Sirs, for self and partners,<br /> +Yours most faithfully,<br /> +<span class="smcap">Samuel Jackson</span>.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time afterwards. +I knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my new suit of clothes, +I went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, residence of John +Brough, Esquire, M.P.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VII</h2> +<p>HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY</p> +<p>If I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery +properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome country +place; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, handsome shrubberies +and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, kitchen-gardens, and everything +belonging to a first-rate <i>rus in urbe</i>, as the great auctioneer +called it when he hammered it down some years after.</p> +<p>I arrived on a Saturday at half-an-hour before dinner: a grave gentleman +out of livery showed me to my room; a man in a chocolate coat and gold +lace, with Brough’s crest on the buttons, brought me a silver +shaving-pot of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand dinner was ready +at six, at which I had the honour of appearing in Von Stiltz’s +dress-coat and my new silk stockings and pumps.</p> +<p>Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his +lady, a stout fair-haired woman, in light blue satin; then to his daughter, +a tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking very ill-natured, +and about eighteen.</p> +<p>“Belinda my love,” said her papa, “this young gentleman +is one of my clerks, who was at our ball.”</p> +<p>“Oh, indeed!” says Belinda, tossing up her head.</p> +<p>“But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda,—so, if you please, +we will have none of your aristocratic airs with him. He is a +nephew of the Countess of Drum; and I hope he will soon be very high +in our establishment, and in the city of London.”</p> +<p>At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error +about our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and stared +at me very hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery pleasant +to any friend of Papa’s. “We have not much <i>monde</i> +to-day,” continued Miss Brough, “and are only in <i>petit +comité</i>; but I hope before you leave us you will see some +<i>société</i> that will make your <i>séjour</i> +agreeable.”</p> +<p>I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the +French language in this way.</p> +<p>“Isn’t she a fine girl?” said Brough, whispering +to me, and evidently as proud of her as a man could be. “Isn’t +she a fine girl—eh, you dog? Do you see breeding like that +in Somersetshire?”</p> +<p>“No, sir, upon my word!” answered I, rather slily; for +I was thinking all the while how “Somebody” was a thousand +times more beautiful, simple, and ladylike.</p> +<p>“And what has my dearest love been doing all day?” said +her papa.</p> +<p>“Oh, Pa! I have <i>pincéd</i> the harp a little +to Captain Fizgig’s flute. Didn’t I, Captain Fizgig?”</p> +<p>Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, “Yes, Brough, your +fair daughter <i>pincéd</i> the harp, and <i>touchéd</i> +the piano, and <i>égratignéd</i> the guitar, and <i>écorchéd</i> +a song or two; and we had the pleasure of a <i>promenade à l’eau</i>,—of +a walk upon the water.”</p> +<p>“Law, Captain!” cries Mrs. Brough, “walk on the +water?”</p> +<p>“Hush, Mamma, you don’t understand French!” says +Miss Belinda, with a sneer.</p> +<p>“It’s a sad disadvantage, madam,” says Fizgig, +gravely; “and I recommend you and Brough here, who are coming +out in the great world, to have some lessons; or at least get up a couple +of dozen phrases, and introduce them into your conversation here and +there. I suppose, sir, you speak it commonly at the office, Mr. +What you call it?” And Mr. Fizgig put his glass into his +eye and looked at me.</p> +<p>“We speak English, sir,” says I, “knowing it better +than French.”</p> +<p>“Everybody has not had your opportunities,” Miss Brough, +continued the gentleman. “Everybody has not <i>voyagé</i> +like <i>nous autres</i>, hey? <i>Mais que voulez-vous</i>, my +good sir? you must stick to your cursed ledgers and things. What’s +the French for ledger, Miss Belinda?”</p> +<p>“How can you ask? <i>Je n’en sçais rien</i>, +I’m sure.”</p> +<p>“You should learn, Miss Brough,” said her father. +“The daughter of a British merchant need not be ashamed of the +means by which her father gets his bread. <i>I’m</i> not +ashamed—I’m not proud. Those who know John Brough, +know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like my friend Titmarsh +here, and is now worth half-a-million. Is there any man in the +House better listened to than John Brough? Is there any duke in +the land that can give a better dinner than John Brough; or a larger +fortune to his daughter than John Brough? Why, sir, the humble +person now speaking to you could buy out many a German duke! But +I’m not proud—no, no, not proud. There’s my +daughter—look at her—when I die, she will be mistress of +my fortune; but am I proud? No! Let him who can win her, +marry her, that’s what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son +of a peer of the realm; or you, Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, +what do I care, hey?—what do I care?”</p> +<p>“O-o-oh!” sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill +Tidd: a very pale young man, with a black riband round his neck instead +of a handkerchief, and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. +He was leaning against the mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green +eyes ogling Miss Brough with all his might.</p> +<p>“Oh, John—my dear John!” cried Mrs. Brough, seizing +her husband’s hand and kissing it, “you are an angel, that +you are!”</p> +<p>“Isabella, don’t flatter me; I’m a <i>man</i>,—a +plain downright citizen of London, without a particle of pride, except +in you and my daughter here—my two Bells, as I call them! +This is the way that we live, Titmarsh my boy: ours is a happy, humble, +Christian home, and that’s all. Isabella, leave go my hand!”</p> +<p>“Mamma, you mustn’t do so before company; it’s +odious!” shrieked Miss B.; and Mamma quietly let the hand fall, +and heaved from her ample bosom a great large sigh. I felt a liking +for that simple woman, and a respect for Brough too. He couldn’t +be a bad man, whose wife loved him so.</p> +<p>Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss +B., who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain Fizgig, because +that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. He sat on the +right of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat next to him, +leaving me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at the opposite side of the +table.</p> +<p>At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey afterwards +of course. How is it that at all the great dinners they have this +perpetual boiled turkey? It was real turtle-soup: the first time +I had ever tasted it; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who insisted on helping +it, gave all the green lumps of fat to her husband, and put several +slices of the breast of the bird under the body, until it came to his +turn to be helped.</p> +<p>“I’m a plain man,” says John, “and eat a +plain dinner. I hate your kickshaws, though I keep a French cook +for those who are not of my way of thinking. I’m no egotist, +look you; I’ve no prejudices; and Miss there has her béchamels +and fallals according to her taste. Captain, try the <i>volly-vong</i>.”</p> +<p>We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great +silver tankards of porter, which those might take who chose. Brough +made especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the ladies retired, +said, “Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an unlimited supply of +wine: there’s no stinting here;” and then laid himself down +in his easy-chair and fell asleep.</p> +<p>“He always does so,” whispered Mr. Tidd to me.</p> +<p>“Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins,” says +the Captain. “That other claret we had yesterday is loaded, +and disagrees with me infernally!”</p> +<p>I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt Hoggarty’s +Rosolio.</p> +<p>I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing for.</p> +<p>“Isn’t she a glorious creature?” says he to me.</p> +<p>“Who, sir?” says I.</p> +<p>“Miss Belinda, to be sure!” cried Tidd. “Did +mortal ever look upon eyes like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure?”</p> +<p>“She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd,” says +the Captain, “and a little less eyebrow. They look vicious, +those scowling eyebrows, in a girl. <i>Qu’en dites-vous</i>, +Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss Brough would say?”</p> +<p>“I think it remarkably good claret, sir,” says I.</p> +<p>“Egad, you’re the right sort of fellow!” says the +Captain. “<i>Volto sciolto</i>, eh? You respect our +sleeping host yonder?”</p> +<p>“That I do, sir, as the first man in the city of London, and +my managing director.”</p> +<p>“And so do I,” says Tidd; “and this day fortnight, +when I’m of age, I’ll prove my confidence too.”</p> +<p>“As how?” says I.</p> +<p>“Why, sir, you must know that I come into—ahem—a +considerable property, sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made—in +business.”</p> +<p>“Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd.”</p> +<p>“He <i>was</i> a tailor, sir,—but what of that? +I’ve had a University education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; +as much—ay, perhaps, and more, than some members of an effete +aristocracy.”</p> +<p>“Tidd, don’t be severe!” says the Captain, drinking +a tenth glass.</p> +<p>“Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable +property; and Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me twelve +hundred a year for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have promised to +invest them.”</p> +<p>“In the West Diddlesex, sir?” says I—“in +our office?”</p> +<p>“No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and +quite as good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my family, +sir, and he has taken a great liking to me; and he says that with my +talents I ought to get into Parliament; and then—and then! after +I have laid out my patrimony, I may look to <i>matrimony</i>, you see!”</p> +<p>“Oh, you designing dog!” said the Captain. “When +I used to lick you at school, who ever would have thought that I was +thrashing a sucking statesman?”</p> +<p>“Talk away, boys!” said Brough, waking out of his sleep; +“I only sleep with half an eye, and hear you all. Yes, you +shall get into Parliament, Tidd my man, or my name’s not Brough! +You shall have six per cent. for your money, or never believe me! +But as for my daughter—ask <i>her</i>, and not me. You, or the +Captain, or Titmarsh, may have her, if you can get her. All I +ask in a son-in-law is, that he should be, as every one of you is, an +honourable and high-minded man!”</p> +<p>Tidd at this looked very knowing; and as our host sank off to sleep +again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at the Captain.</p> +<p>“Bah!” says the Captain. “I say what I think; +and you may tell Miss Brough if you like.” And so presently +this conversation ended, and we were summoned in to coffee. After +which the Captain sang songs with Miss Brough; Tidd looked at her and +said nothing; I looked at prints, and Mrs. Brough sat knitting stockings +for the poor. The Captain was sneering openly at Miss Brough and +her affected ways and talk; but in spite of his bullying contemptuous +way I thought she seemed to have a great regard for him, and to bear +his scorn very meekly.</p> +<p>At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knightsbridge, +and Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day being Sunday, a great bell +woke us at eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfast-room, +where Mr. Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an exhortation afterwards, +to us and all the members of the household; except the French cook, +Monsieur Nontong-paw, whom I could see, from my chair, walking about +in the shrubberies in his white night-cap, smoking a cigar.</p> +<p>Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went +through the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers; but though +this man was a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I’m not going +to laugh at the family prayers, or say he was a hypocrite <i>because</i> +he had them. There are many bad and good men who don’t go +through the ceremony at all; but I am sure the good men would be the +better for it, and am not called upon to settle the question with respect +to the bad ones; and therefore I have passed over a great deal of the +religious part of Mr. Brough’s behaviour: suffice it, that religion +was always on his lips; that he went to church thrice every Sunday, +when he had not a party; and if he did not talk religion with us when +we were alone, had a great deal to say upon the subject upon occasions, +as I found one day when we had a Quaker and Dissenter party to dine, +and when his talk was as grave as that of any minister present. +Tidd was not there that day,—for nothing could make him forsake +his Byron riband or refrain from wearing his collars turned down; so +Tidd was sent with the buggy to Astley’s. “And hark +ye, Titmarsh my boy,” said he, “leave your diamond pin upstairs: +our friends to-day don’t like such gewgaws; and though for my +part I am no enemy to harmless ornaments, yet I would not shock the +feelings of those who have sterner opinions. You will see that +my wife and Miss Brough consult my wishes in this respect.” +And so they did,—for they both came down to dinner in black gowns +and tippets; whereas Miss B. had commonly her dress half off her shoulders.</p> +<p>The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough seemed +always delighted to see <i>him</i>. One day I met him as I was +walking out alone by the river, and we had a long talk together.</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh,” says he, “from what little I have +seen of you, you seem to be an honest straight-minded young fellow; +and I want some information that you can give. Tell me, in the +first place, if you will—and upon my honour it shall go no farther—about +this Insurance Company of yours? You are in the City, and see +how affairs are going on. Is your concern a stable one?”</p> +<p>“Sir,” said I, “frankly then, and upon my honour +too, I believe it is. It has been set up only four years, it is +true; but Mr. Brough had a great name when it was established, and a +vast connection. Every clerk in the office has, to be sure, in +a manner, paid for his place, either by taking shares himself, or by +his relations taking them. I got mine because my mother, who is +very poor, devoted a small sum of money that came to us to the purchase +of an annuity for herself and a provision for me. The matter was +debated by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, +who are very well known in our part of the country; and it was agreed +on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for all +of us than invest it in this way. Brough alone is worth half a +million of money, and his name is a host in itself. Nay, more: +I wrote the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum +of money in loose cash, and who had consulted me as to the disposal +of it, to invest it in our office. Can I give you any better proof +of my opinion of its solvency?”</p> +<p>“Did Brough persuade you in any way?”</p> +<p>“Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me +his motives, and tells them to us all as honestly. He says, ‘Gentlemen, +it is my object to increase the connection of the office, as much as +possible. I want to crush all the other offices in London. +Our terms are lower than any office, and we can bear to have them lower, +and a great business will come to us that way. But we must work +ourselves as well. Every single shareholder and officer of the +establishment must exert himself, and bring us customers,—no matter +for how little they are engaged—engage them: that is the great +point.’ And accordingly our Director makes all his friends +and servants shareholders: his very lodge-porter yonder is a shareholder; +and he thus endeavours to fasten upon all whom he comes near. +I, for instance, have just been appointed over the heads of our gents, +to a much better place than I held. I am asked down here, and +entertained royally: and why? Because my aunt has three thousand +pounds which Mr. Brough wants her to invest with us.”</p> +<p>“That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh.”</p> +<p>“Not a whit, sir: he makes no disguise of the matter. +When the question is settled one way or the other, I don’t believe +Mr. Brough will take any further notice of me. But he wants me +now. This place happened to fall in just at the very moment when +he had need of me; and he hopes to gain over my family through me. +He told me as much as we drove down. ‘You are a man of the +world, Titmarsh,’ said he; ‘you know that I don’t +give you this place because you are an honest fellow, and write a good +hand. If I had a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should +only have given you that; but I had no choice, and gave you what was +in my power.’”</p> +<p>“That’s fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager +for such a small sum as three thousand pounds?”</p> +<p>“If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more +eager. You don’t know the city of London, and the passion +which our great men in the share-market have for increasing their connection. +Mr. Brough, sir, would canvass and wheedle a chimney-sweep in the way +of business. See, here is poor Tidd and his twenty thousand pounds. +Our Director has taken possession of him just in the same way. +He wants all the capital he can lay his hands on.”</p> +<p>“Yes, and suppose he runs off with the capital?”</p> +<p>“Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir? Suppose +the Bank of England runs off! But here we are at the lodge-gate. +Let’s ask Gates, another of Mr. Brough’s victims.” +And we went in and spoke to old Gates.</p> +<p>“Well, Mr. Gates,” says I, beginning the matter cleverly, +“you are one of my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex yonder?”</p> +<p>“Yees, sure,” says old Gates, grinning. He was +a retired servant, with a large family come to him in his old age.</p> +<p>“May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can +lay by so much money, and purchase shares in our Company?”</p> +<p>Gates told us his wages; and when we inquired whether they were paid +regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentleman in the world: +that he had put two of his daughters into service, two of his sons to +charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a hundred other benefits +that he had received from the family. Mrs. Brough clothed half +the children; master gave them blankets and coats in winter, and soup +and meat all the year round. There never was such a generous family, +sure, since the world began.</p> +<p>“Well, sir,” said I to the Captain, “does that +satisfy you? Mr. Brough gives to these people fifty times as much +as he gains from them; and yet he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our +Company.”</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh,” says the Captain, “you are an honest +fellow; and I confess your argument sounds well. Now tell me, +do you know anything about Miss Brough and her fortune?”</p> +<p>“Brough will leave her everything—or says so.” +But I suppose the Captain saw some particular expression in my countenance, +for he laughed and said—</p> +<p>“I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she’s dear at the +price. Well, I don’t know that you are far wrong.”</p> +<p>“Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you +always at her heels?”</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh,” says the Captain, “I owe twenty +thousand pounds;” and he went back to the house directly, and +proposed for her.</p> +<p>I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the gentleman’s +part; for he had been introduced to the family by Mr. Tidd, with whom +he had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd entirely in the great +heiress’s affections. Brough stormed, and actually swore +at his daughter (as the Captain told me afterwards) when he heard that +the latter had accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, seeing the Captain, +made him give his word that the engagement should be kept secret for +a few months. And Captain F. only made a confidant of me, and +the mess, as he said: but this was after Tidd had paid his twenty thousand +pounds over to our governor, which he did punctually when he came of +age. The same day, too, he proposed for the young lady, and I +need not say was rejected. Presently the Captain’s engagement +began to be whispered about: all his great relations, the Duke of Doncaster, +the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of Crabs, &c. came and visited the +Brough family; the Hon. Henry Ringwood became a shareholder in our Company, +and the Earl of Crabs offered to be. Our shares rose to a premium; +our Director, his lady, and daughter were presented at Court; and the +great West Diddlesex Association bid fair to be the first Assurance +Office in the kingdom.</p> +<p>A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to +me to say that she had consulted with her attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and +Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the sum as +I advised. She had the sum invested, too, in my name, paying me +many compliments upon my honesty and talent; of which, she said, Mr. +Brough had given her the most flattering account. And at the same +time my aunt informed me that at her death the shares should be my own. +This gave me a great weight in the Company, as you may imagine. +At our next annual meeting, I attended in my capacity as a shareholder, +and had great pleasure in hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, +declare a dividend of six per cent., that we all received over the counter.</p> +<p>“You lucky young scoundrel!” said Brough to me; “do +you know what made me give you your place?”</p> +<p>“Why, my aunt’s money, to be sure, sir,” said I.</p> +<p>“No such thing. Do you fancy I cared for those paltry +three thousand pounds? I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum; +and Lady Drum is grandmother of Lady Jane Preston; and Mr. Preston is +a man who can do us a world of good. I knew that they had sent +you venison, and the deuce knows what; and when I saw Lady Jane at my +party shake you by the hand, and speak to you so kindly, I took all +Abednego’s tales for gospel. <i>That</i> was the reason +you got the place, mark you, and not on account of your miserable three +thousand pounds. Well, sir, a fortnight after you were with us +at Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of having given +the place to his cousin. ‘Confound the insolent scoundrel!’ +said he; ‘<i>he</i> my cousin! I suppose you take all old +Drum’s stories for true? Why, man, it’s her mania: +she never is introduced to a man but she finds out a cousinship, and +would not fail of course with that cur of a Titmarsh!’ ‘Well,’ +said I, laughing, ‘that cur has got a good place in consequence, +and the matter can’t be mended.’ So you see,” +continued our Director, “that you were indebted for your place, +not to your aunt’s money, but—”</p> +<p>“But to <span class="smcap">my aunt’s diamond pin</span>!”</p> +<p>“Lucky rascal!” said Brough, poking me in the side and +going out of the way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I was.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER VIII</h2> +<p>RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH’S LIFE</p> +<p>I don’t know how it was that in the course of the next six +months Mr. Roundhand, the actuary, who had been such a profound admirer +of Mr. Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled +with both, and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of his +5,000<i>l</i>. worth of shares to a pretty good profit, and went away, +speaking everything that was evil both of the Company and the Director.</p> +<p>Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was first +clerk, and your humble servant was second in the office at a salary +of 250<i>l</i>. a year. How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand’s +aspersions of the West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our meeting +in January, 1823, when our Chief Director, in one of the most brilliant +speeches ever heard, declared that the half-yearly dividend was 4<i>l</i>. +per cent., at the rate of 8<i>l</i>. per cent. per annum; and I sent +to my aunt 120<i>l</i>. sterling as the amount of the interest of the +stock in my name.</p> +<p>My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent +me back 10<i>l</i>. for my own pocket, and asked me if she had not better +sell Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this admirable +concern.</p> +<p>On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of +Mr. Brough. Mr. B. told me that shares could not be had but at +a premium; but on my representing that I knew of 5,000<i>l</i>. worth +in the market at par, he said—“Well, if so, he would like +a fair price for his, and would not mind disposing of 5,000<i>l</i>. +worth, as he had rather a glut of West Diddlesex shares, and his other +concerns wanted feeding with ready money.” At the end of +our conversation, of which I promised to report the purport to Mrs. +Hoggarty, the Director was so kind as to say that he had determined +on creating a place of private secretary to the Managing Director, and +that I should hold that office with an additional salary of 150<i>l</i>.</p> +<p>I had 250<i>l</i>. a year, Miss Smith had 70<i>l</i>. per annum to +her fortune. What had I said should be my line of conduct whenever +I could realise 300<i>l</i>. a year?</p> +<p>Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew +of my engagement with Mary Smith. Her father had been a commander +in the navy and a very distinguished officer; and though Mary, as I +have said, only brought me a fortune of 70<i>l</i>. a year, and I, as +everybody said, in my present position in the office and the City of +London, might have reasonably looked out for a lady with much more money, +yet my friends agreed that the connection was very respectable, and +I was content: as who would not have been with such a darling as Mary? +I am sure, for my part, I would not have taken the Lord Mayor’s +own daughter in place of Mary, even with a plum to her fortune.</p> +<p>Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as +of everything else relating to every clerk in the office; and I do believe +Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day. Indeed, his +knowledge of our affairs was wonderful.</p> +<p>He asked me how Mary’s money was invested. It was in +the three per cent. consols—2,333<i>l</i>. 6<i>s</i>. 8<i>d</i>.</p> +<p>“Remember,” says he, “my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh +that is to be may have seven per cent. for her money at the very least, +and on better security than the Bank of England; for is not a Company +of which John Brough is the head better than any other company in England?” +and to be sure I thought he was not far wrong, and promised to speak +to Mary’s guardians on the subject before our marriage. +Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather, had been at the first very much averse +to our union. (I must confess that, one day finding me alone with +her, and kissing, I believe, the tips of her little fingers, he had +taken me by the collar and turned me out of doors.) But Sam Titmarsh, +with a salary of 250<i>l</i>. a year, a promised fortune of 150<i>l</i>. +more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough of London, was a very +different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor clergyman’s +widow’s son; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind letter enough, +and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb’s-wool stockings and +four ditto waistcoats from Romanis’, and accepted them too as +a present from me when I went down in June—in happy June of 1823—to +fetch my dear Mary away.</p> +<p>Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt’s Slopperton +and Squashtail property, which she had not as yet sold, as she talked +of doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a shame that +any person in whom he took such interest, as he did in all the relatives +of his dear young friend, should only have three per cent. for her money, +when she could have eight elsewhere. He always called me Sam now, +praised me to the other young men (who brought the praises regularly +to me), said there was a cover always laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly +took me thither. There was but little company when I went; and +M’Whirter used to say he only asked me on days when he had his +vulgar acquaintances. But I did not care for the great people, +not being born in their sphere; and indeed did not much care for going +to the house at all. Miss Belinda was not at all to my liking. +After her engagement with Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid +his 20,000<i>l</i>. and Fizgig’s great relations had joined in +some of our Director’s companies, Mr. Brough declared he believed +that Captain Fizgig’s views were mercenary, and put him to the +proof at once, by saying that he must take Miss Brough without a farthing, +or not have her at all. Whereupon Captain Fizgig got an appointment +in the colonies, and Miss Brough became more ill-humoured than ever. +But I could not help thinking she was rid of a bad bargain, and pitying +poor Tidd, who came back to the charge again more love-sick than ever, +and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss Belinda. Her father plainly +told Tidd, too, that his visits were disagreeable to Belinda, and though +he must always love and value him, he begged him to discontinue his +calls at the Rookery. Poor fellow! he had paid his 20,000<i>l</i>. +away for nothing! for what was six per cent. to him compared to six +per cent. and the hand of Miss Belinda Brough?</p> +<p>Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called me, +so much, and felt such a warm sympathy in my well-being, that he insisted +on my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months’ leave; +and away I went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brand-new suits +from Von Stiltz’s in my trunk (I had them made, looking forward +to a certain event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant Smith’s fleecy +hosiery; wrapping up a parcel of our prospectuses and two letters from +John Brough, Esq., to my mother our worthy annuitant, and to Mrs. Hoggarty +our excellent shareholder. Mr. Brough said I was all that the +fondest father could wish, that he considered me as his own boy, and +that he earnestly begged Mrs. Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her +little landed property, as land was high now and <i>must fall</i>; whereas +the West Diddlesex Association shares were (comparatively) low, and +must inevitably, in the course of a year or two, double, treble, quadruple +their present value.</p> +<p>In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear +Gus. As we parted in the yard of the “Bolt-in-Tun,” +Fleet Street, I felt that I never should go back to Salisbury Square +again, and had made my little present to the landlady’s family +accordingly. She said I was the respectablest gentleman she had +ever had in her house: nor was that saying much, for Bell Lane is in +the Rules of the Fleet, and her lodgers used commonly to be prisoners +on Rule from that place. As for Gus, the poor fellow cried and +blubbered so that he could not eat a morsel of the muffins and grilled +ham with which I treated him for breakfast in the “Bolt-in-Tun” +coffee-house; and when I went away was waving his hat and his handkerchief +so in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe the wheels of +the “True Blue” went over his toes, for I heard him roaring +as we passed through the arch. Ah! how different were my feelings +as I sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the coachman, +to those I had the last time I mounted that coach, parting from my dear +Mary and coming to London with my <span class="smcap">diamond pin</span>!</p> +<p>When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, +where the “True Blue” generally stops to take a glass of +ale at the Poppleton Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, +was come into the country, so great was the concourse of people assembled +round the inn. And there was the landlord of the inn and all the +people of the village. Then there was Tom Wheeler, the post-boy, +from Mrs. Rincer’s posting-hotel in our town; he was riding on +the old bay posters, and they, Heaven bless us! were drawing my aunt’s +yellow chariot, in which she never went out but thrice in a year, and +in which she now sat in her splendid cashmere shawl and a new hat and +feather. She waved a white handkerchief out of the window, and +Tom Wheeler shouted out “Huzza!” as did a number of the +little blackguard boys of Grumpley: who, to be sure, would huzza for +anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler’s part, however! +I remembered only a few years before how he had whipped me from the +box of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride behind.</p> +<p>Next to my aunt’s carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of +Lieutenant Smith, R.N., who was driving his old fat pony with his lady +by his side. I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and felt +a little sad at seeing that <i>Somebody</i> was not there. But, +O silly fellow! there was Somebody in the yellow chariot with my aunt, +blushing like a peony, I declare, and looking so happy!—oh, so +happy and pretty! She had a white dress, and a light blue and +yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty colours; though what +the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow, I don’t know +to this day.</p> +<p>Well, the “True Blue” guard made a great bellowing on +his horn as his four horses dashed away; the boys shouted again; I was +placed bodkin between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary; Tom Wheeler cut into his +bays; the Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and whose +big dog did not make the slightest attempt at biting me this time) beat +his pony till its fat sides lathered again; and thus in this, I may +say, unexampled procession, I arrived in triumph at our village.</p> +<p>My dear mother and the girls,—Heaven bless them!—nine +of them in their nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk +for each of them)—could not afford a carriage, but had posted +themselves on the road near the village; and there was such a waving +of hands and handkerchiefs: and though my aunt did not much notice them, +except by a majestic toss of the head, which is pardonable in a woman +of her property, yet Mary Smith did even more than I, and waved her +hands as much as the whole nine. Ah! how my dear mother cried +and blessed me when we met, and called me her soul’s comfort and +her darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a paragon of virtue and +genius: whereas I was only a very lucky young fellow, that by the aid +of kind friends had stepped rapidly into a very pretty property.</p> +<p>I was not to stay with my mother,—that had been arranged beforehand; +for though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably good friends, yet +Mother said it was for my benefit that I should stay with my aunt, and +so give up the pleasure of having me with her: and though hers was much +the humbler house of the two, I need not say I preferred it far to Mrs. +Hoggarty’s more splendid one; let alone the horrible Rosolio, +of which I was obliged now to drink gallons.</p> +<p>It was to Mrs. H.’s then we were driven: she had prepared a +great dinner that evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on getting +out of the carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that +was for himself, and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the +horses afterwards. At which Tom flung the sixpence upon the ground, +swore most violently, and was very justly called by my aunt an “impertinent +fellow.”</p> +<p>She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out +of her sight. We used to sit for morning after morning over her +accounts, debating for hours together the propriety of selling the Slopperton +property; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, for Hodge and +Smithers could not get the price she wanted. And, moreover, she +vowed that at her decease she would leave every shilling to me.</p> +<p>Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with +marked consideration; as did every single person of the village. +Those who could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank +the health of the young couple; and many a time after dinner or supper +was my Mary made to blush by the allusions to the change in her condition.</p> +<p>The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July, +1823, saw me the happiest husband of the prettiest girl in Somersetshire. +We were married from my mother’s house, who would insist upon +that at any rate, and the nine girls acted as bridesmaids; ay! and Gus +Hoskins came from town express to be my groomsman, and had my old room +at my mother’s, and stayed with her for a week, and cast a sheep’s-eye +upon Miss Winny Titmarsh too, my dear fourth sister, as I afterwards +learned.</p> +<p>My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. She +had desired me some weeks previous to order three magnificent dresses +for Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some elegant +trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs from Howell and James’s. +These were sent down to me, and were to be <i>my</i> present to the +bride; but Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need never trouble +myself about the payment of the bill, and I thought her conduct very +generous. Also she lent us her chariot for the wedding journey, +and made with her own hands a beautiful crimson satin reticule for Mrs. +Samuel Titmarsh, her dear niece. It contained a huswife completely +furnished with needles, &c., for she hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never +neglect her needle; and a purse containing some silver pennies, and +a very curious pocket-piece. “As long as you keep these, +my dear,” said Mrs. Hoggarty, “you will never want; and +fervently—fervently do I pray that you will keep them.” +In the carriage-pocket we found a paper of biscuits and a bottle of +Rosolio. We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom Wheeler—who, +however, did not seem to like it much better than we.</p> +<p>I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz’s coat (the +third and fourth coats, Heaven help us! in a year), and that I wore +sparkling in my bosom the <span class="smcap">Great Hoggarty Diamond</span>.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER IX</h2> +<p>BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON</p> +<p>We pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for +our life in London, and a pretty paradise did we build for ourselves! +Well, we were but forty years old between us; and, for my part, I never +found any harm come of castle-building, but a great deal of pleasure.</p> +<p>Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for +a proper place, befitting persons of our small income; and Gus Hoskins +and I, who hunted after office-hours in couples, bad fixed on a very +snug little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a garden that certain +<i>small people</i> might play in when they came: a horse and gig-house, +if ever we kept one,—and why not, in a few years?—and a +fine healthy air, at a reasonable distance from ’Change; all for +30<i>l</i>. a year. I had described this little spot to Mary as +enthusiastically as Sancho describes Lizias to Don Quixote; and my dear +wife was delighted with the prospect of housekeeping there, vowed she +would cook all the best dishes herself (especially jam-pudding, of which +I confess I am very fond), and promised Gus that he should dine with +us at Clematis Bower every Sunday: only he must not smoke those horrid +cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he would have a room in the neighbourhood +too, for he could not bear to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had +been so happy together; and so good-natured Mary said she would ask +my sister Winny to come and keep her company. At which Hoskins +blushed, and said, “Pooh! nonsense now.”</p> +<p>But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the +ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs. +Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was determined +to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep house for them, +and introduce them to her friends in the metropolis.</p> +<p>What could we do? We wished her at—Bath: certainly not +in London. But there was no help for it; and we were obliged to +bring her: for, as my mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would +go out of our family; and were we two young people not likely to want +it?</p> +<p>So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the whole +way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my aunt’s +rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had to pay 14<i>l</i>. +for the posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my little hoard of +cash.</p> +<p>First we went into lodgings,—into three sets in three weeks. +We quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she +cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner; from +the second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would steal +the candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty came down +to breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face shockingly +swelled and bitten by—never mind what. To cut a long tale +short, I was half mad with the continual choppings and changings, and +the long stories and scoldings of my aunt. As for her great acquaintances, +none of them were in London; and she made it a matter of quarrel with +me that I had not introduced her to John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and +to Lord and Lady Tiptoff, her relatives.</p> +<p>Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his return +I did not care at first to tell our Director that I had brought my aunt +with me, or mention my embarrassments for money. He looked rather +serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him and asked for an +advance; but when he heard that my lack of money had been occasioned +by the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone instantly changed. +“That, my dear boy, alters the question; Mrs. Hoggarty is of an +age when all things must be yielded to her. Here are a hundred +pounds; and I beg you to draw upon me whenever you are in the least +in want of money.” This gave me breathing-time until she +should pay her share of the household expenses. And the very next +day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid carriage-and-four, called +upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings in Lamb’s Conduit +Street.</p> +<p>It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in +that sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of the +cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country place +in Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile odious +things.</p> +<p>“Gracious heavens!” shouted John Brough, Esquire, “a +lady of your rank to suffer in this way!—the excellent relative +of my dear boy, Titmarsh! Never, madam—never let it be said +that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty should be subject to such horrible +humiliation, while John Brough has a home to offer her,—a humble, +happy, Christian home, madam; though unlike, perhaps, the splendour +to which you have been accustomed in the course of your distinguished +career. Isabella my love!—Belinda! speak to Mrs. Hoggarty. +Tell her that John Brough’s house is hers from garret to cellar. +I repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire—I insist—I +order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty’s trunks should be +placed this instant in my carriage! Have the goodness to look +to them yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt’s +comforts are better provided for than they have been.”</p> +<p>Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure, +Mr. Brough was a great man, and her Samuel’s benefactor; and though +the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at +Aunt’s enormous valises, yet she performed the work, and came +down with a smiling face to my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs. +Brough with a long and particular account of the balls at the Castle, +in Dublin, in Lord Charleville’s time.</p> +<p>“I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough +to bring them down,” said Mary.</p> +<p>“Certainly not, certainly not,” said John Brough, perhaps +a little ashamed. “Hallo! George, Frederic, Augustus, +come upstairs this instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty +of Castle Hoggarty, which this young lady will show you.”</p> +<p>Nay, so great was Mr. Brough’s condescension, that when some +of his fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself +seized a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the carriage, +and shouted loud enough for all Lamb’s Conduit Street to hear, +“John Brough is not proud—no, no; and if his footmen are +too high and mighty, he’ll show them a lesson of humility.”</p> +<p>Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks +from her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented +herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, +whether John Brough was not an angel of a man?</p> +<p>In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of +her departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back +at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the window, +and beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was very strange, +because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and indeed had told me +repeatedly that either she or he must quit the house. Well, we +went upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried her tears and received +us with the most smiling of faces, and laughed and clapped her hands, +and danced, and shook Gus’s hand. And what do you think +the little rogue proposed? I am blest if she did not say she would +like to go to Vauxhall!</p> +<p>As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with +fear and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the circumstances +which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been whisked away to Fulham +in Mr. Brough’s splendid carriage-and-four. “Let her +go,” I am sorry to say, said I; and indeed we relished our veal-cutlets +and jam-pudding a great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty did her dinner +off plate at the Rookery.</p> +<p>We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing +treat; and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was prolonged +for three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for we were much +merrier and more comfortable without her. My little Mary used +to make my breakfast before I went to office of mornings; and on Sundays +we had a holiday, and saw the dear little children eat their boiled +beef and potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the beautiful music: but, +beautiful as it is, I think the children were a more beautiful sight +still, and the look of their innocent happy faces was better than the +best sermon. On week-days Mrs. Titmarsh would take a walk about +five o’clock in the evening on the <i>left</i>-hand side of Lamb’s +Conduit Street (as you go to Holborn)—ay, and sometimes pursue +her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two young gents from the I. W. D. +Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her; and then how happily we +all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up as a monster of a man, +with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and whiskers all over his face, +was grinning under Mary’s bonnet, and chattering to her, close +to Day and Martin’s Blacking Manufactory (not near such a handsome +thing then as it is now)—there was the man chattering and ogling +his best, when who should come up but Gus and I? And in the twinkling +of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says, my gentleman was seized by the +collar of his coat and found himself sprawling under a stand of hackney-coaches; +where all the watermen were grinning at him. The best of it was, +he left his <i>head of hair and whiskers</i> in my hand: but Mary said, +“Don’t be hard upon him, Samuel; it’s only a Frenchman.” +And so we gave him his wig back, which one of the grinning stable-boys +put on and carried to him as he lay in the straw.</p> +<p>He shrieked out something about “arrêtez,” and +“Français,” and “champ-d’honneur;” +but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his nose and stretching out +his finger at Master Frenchman. This made everybody laugh; and +so the adventure ended.</p> +<p>About ten days after my aunt’s departure came a letter from +her, of which I give a copy:—</p> +<blockquote><p>“My Dear Nephew,—It was my earnest whish +e’er this to have returned to London, where I am sure you and +my niece Titmarsh miss me very much, and where she, poor thing, quite +inexperienced in the ways of ‘the great metropulus,’ in +aconamy, and indeed in every qualaty requasit in a good wife and the +mistress of a famaly, can hardly manidge, I am sure, without me.</p> +<p>“Tell her <i>on no account</i> to pay more than 6.5<i>d</i>. +for the prime pieces, 4.75<i>d</i>. for soup meat; and that the very +best of London butter is to be had for 8.5<i>d</i>.; of course, for +pudns and the kitchin you’ll employ a commoner sort. My +trunks were sadly packed by Mrs. Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock +has gone through my yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it +already twice, at two ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given +by my <i>hospatable</i> host; and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a +grand dinner, when Lord Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything +was in the most <i>sumptious style</i>. Soup top and bottom (white +and brown), removed by turbit and sammon with <i>immense boles of lobster-sauce</i>. +Lobsters alone cost 15<i>s</i>. Turbit, three guineas. The +hole sammon, weighing, I’m sure, 15 lbs., and <i>never seen</i> +at table again; not a bitt of pickled sammon the hole weak afterwards. +This kind of extravigance would <i>just suit</i> Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, +who, as I always say, burns <i>the candle at both ends</i>. Well, +young people, it is lucky for you you have an old aunt who knows better, +and has a long purse; without witch, I dare say, <i>some</i> folks would +be glad to see her out of doors. I don’t mean you, Samuel, +who have, I must say, been a dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare +say I shan’t live long, and some folks won’t be sorry to +have me in my grave.</p> +<p>“Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and +thought it might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who +was called in, said it was, he very much feared, <i>cumsumptive</i>; +but gave me some pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call +upon him—he lives at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after +office hours—and present him with 1<i>l</i>. 1<i>s</i>., with +my compliments. I have no money here but a 10<i>l</i>. note, the +rest being locked up in my box at Lamb’s Cundit Street.</p> +<p>“Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.’s sumptious +establishment, I can assure you the <i>sperrit</i> is likewise cared +for. Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises +refresh the hungry sole before breakfast! Everything is in the +handsomest style,—silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, +and dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word <i>Industria</i>, +meaning industry, on <i>everything</i>—even on the chany juggs +and things in my bedd-room. On Sunday we were favoured by a special +outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist Congrigation +here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon in Mr. B.’s +private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have always been +a staunch supporter of the established Church of England and Ireland; +but I must say Mr. Wapshot’s stirring way was far superior to +that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the Establishment, who lifted up +his voice after dinner for a short discourse of two hours.</p> +<p>“Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has +no sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once +I promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not +Mr. B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy.</p> +<p>“I don’t know when I shall return to town, being made +really so welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the +best in the world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do +not choose to walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been +kind enough to lend me his arm, and ’tis sweet with such a guide +to wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful works +of nature. I have spoke to him about the Slopperton property, +and he is not of Mr. B.’s opinion that I should sell it; but on +this point I shall follow my own counsel.</p> +<p>“Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and +lett my bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in +the grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn +it against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for herself; +and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns you gave her, +but keep them until <i>better times</i>. I shall soon introduse +her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my acquaintances; and am +always</p> +<p>“Your loving <span class="smcap">Aunt</span>.</p> +<p>“I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from Somersetshire. +When it comes, please to send half down here (paying the carriage, of +course). ’Twill be an acceptable present to my kind entertainer, +Mr. B.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, +who apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence; for +the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he opened +it without looking at the superscription. Of course he had not +read it, and I was glad of that; for I should not have liked him to +see my aunt’s opinion of his daughter and lady.</p> +<p>The next day, a gentleman at “Tom’s Coffee-house,” +Cornhill, sent me word at the office that he wanted particularly to +speak to me: and I stopped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, +of the house of Hodge and Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet-bag +between his legs.</p> +<p>“Sam my boy,” said he, “you are your aunt’s +heir, and I have a piece of news for you regarding her property which +you ought to know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that +home-made wine of hers which she calls Rosolio, and which lies in our +warehouse along with her furniture.”</p> +<p>“Well,” says I, smiling, “she may part with as +much Rosolio as she likes for me. I cede all my right.”</p> +<p>“Psha!” says Smithers, “it’s not that; though +her furniture puts us to a deuced inconvenience, to be sure—it’s +not that: but, in the postscript of her letter, she orders us to advertise +the Slopperton and Squashtail estates for immediate sale, as she purposes +placing her capital elsewhere.”</p> +<p>I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the source +of a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for Aunt +was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her litigious +spirit; so that Mr. Smithers’s concern regarding the sale of it +did not seem to me to be quite disinterested.</p> +<p>“And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint +me with this fact? It seems to me you had much better have obeyed +my aunt’s instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult +with her on this subject.”</p> +<p>“’Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don’t you see that if she +makes a sale of her property, she will hand over the money to Brough; +and if Brough gets the money he—”</p> +<p>“Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,—there’s +no harm in that.”</p> +<p>“But there’s such a thing as security, look you. +He is a warm man, certainly—very warm—quite respectable—most +undoubtedly respectable. But who knows? A panic may take +place; and then these five hundred companies in which he is engaged +may bring him to ruin. There’s the Ginger Beer Company, +of which Brough is a director: awkward reports are abroad concerning +it. The Consolidated Baffin’s Bay Muff and Tippet Company—the +shares are down very low, and Brough is a director there. The +Patent Pump Company—shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody +will pay.”</p> +<p>“Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred +thousand pounds’ worth of shares in the <span class="smcap">Independent +West Diddlesex</span>, and is <span class="smcap">that</span> at a discount? +Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in that speculation, I should +like to know?” I had him there.</p> +<p>“Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and +has brought you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank +us for the interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and +Miss Hodge has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don’t +intend to rebuke us for making your fortune, do you?”</p> +<p>“No, hang it, no!” says I, and shook hands with him, +and accepted a glass of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith.</p> +<p>Smithers returned, however, to the charge. “Sam,” +he said, “mark my words, and take your aunt <i>away from the Rookery</i>. +She wrote to Mrs. S. a long account of a reverend gent with whom she +walks out there,—the Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has +an eye upon her. He was tried at Lancaster in the year ’14 +for forgery, and narrowly escaped with his neck. Have a care of +him—he has an eye to her money.”</p> +<p>“Nay,” said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty’s letter: +“read for yourself.”</p> +<p>He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as +he returned it to me, “Well, Sam,” he said, “I have +only two favours to ask of you: one is, not to mention that I am in +town to any living soul; and the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb’s +Conduit Street with your pretty wife.”</p> +<p>“I promise you both gladly,” I said, laughing. +“But if you dine with us, your arrival in town must be known, +for my friend Gus Hoskins dines with us likewise; and has done so nearly +every day since my aunt went.”</p> +<p>He laughed too, and said, “We must swear Gus to secrecy over +a bottle.” And so we parted till dinner-time.</p> +<p>The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was +supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was disinterested +in the matter—more than disinterested, for she would have given +a great deal to be spared my aunt’s company. But she said +she saw the force of Mr. Smithers’s arguments, and I admitted +their justice with a sigh. However, I rode my high horse, and +vowed that my aunt should do what she liked with her money; and that +I was not the man who would influence her in any way in the disposal +of it.</p> +<p>After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that +Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about +Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us. “You +are a lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this charming +young couple,” said Smithers; and Gus confessed he was, and said +he had dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that a better and +more hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I state not +to trumpet my own praises,—no, no; but because these questions +of Smithers’s had a good deal to do with the subsequent events +narrated in this little history.</p> +<p>Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that +Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his +legs under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to the door, which +we did not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we hoped +might be for the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into the room +but Mrs. Hoggarty herself! Gus, who was blowing the froth off +a pot of porter preparatory to a delicious drink of the beverage, and +had been making us die of laughing with his stories and jokes, laid +down the pewter pot as Mrs. H. came in, and looked quite sick and pale. +Indeed we all felt a little uneasy.</p> +<p>My aunt looked haughtily in Mary’s face, then fiercely at Gus, +and saying, “It is too true—my poor boy—<i>already</i>!” +flung herself hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, +that she would never never leave me.</p> +<p>I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation +on Mrs. Hoggarty’s part, nor could any of us. She refused +Mary’s hand when the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and +when Gus timidly said, “I think, Sam, I’m rather in the +way here, and perhaps—had better go,” Mrs. H. looked him +full in the face, pointed to the door majestically with her forefinger, +and said, “I think, sir, you <i>had</i> better go.”</p> +<p>“I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases,” +said my wife, with spirit.</p> +<p>“<i>Of course</i> you hope so, madam,” answered Mrs. +Hoggarty, very sarcastic. But Mary’s speech and my aunt’s +were quite lost upon Gus; for he had instantly run to his hat, and I +heard him tumbling downstairs.</p> +<p>The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary’s bursting into a fit +of tears, and by my aunt’s repeating the assertion that it was +not too late, she trusted; and from that day forth she would never never +leave me.</p> +<p>“What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?” said +I to Mary that night, as we were in our own room; but my wife protested +she did not know: and it was only some time after that I found out the +reason of this quarrel, and of Mrs. H.’s sudden reappearance.</p> +<p>The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a very +good joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter of Hickson, +Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted in my Memoirs.</p> +<p>“Sam my boy,” said he, “you were determined to +leave Mrs. Hoggarty in Brough’s clutches at the Rookery, and I +was determined to have her away. I resolved to kill two of your +mortal enemies with one stone as it were. It was quite clear to +me that the Reverend Grimes Wapshot had an eye to your aunt’s +fortune; and that Mr. Brough had similar predatory intentions regarding +her. Predatory is a mild word, Sam: if I had said robbery at once, +I should express my meaning clearer.</p> +<p>“Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight +for the lodgings of the reverend gentleman. ‘Sir,’ +said I, on finding that worthy gent,—he was drinking warm brandy-and-water, +Sam, at two o’clock in the day, or at least the room smelt very +strongly of that beverage—‘Sir,’ says I, ‘you +were tried for forgery in the year ’14, at Lancaster assizes.’</p> +<p>“‘And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence +made clear,’ said Wapshot.</p> +<p>“‘But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in ’16, +sir,’ says I, ‘and passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.’ +I knew the fellow’s history, for I had a writ out against him +when he was a preacher at Clifton. I followed up my blow. +‘Mr. Wapshot,’ said I, ‘you are making love to an +excellent lady now at the house of Mr. Brough: if you do not promise +to give up all pursuit of her, I will expose you.’</p> +<p>“‘I <i>have</i> promised,’ said Wapshot, rather +surprised, and looking more easy. ‘I have given my solemn +promise to Mr. Brough, who was with me this very morning, storming, +and scolding, and swearing. Oh, sir, it would have frightened +you to hear a Christian babe like him swear as he did.’</p> +<p>“‘Mr. Brough been here?’ says I, rather astonished.</p> +<p>“‘Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,’ +says Wapshot. ‘You want to marry the widow with the Slopperton +and Squashtail estate, do you? Well, well, have your way. +I’ve promised not to have anything more to do with the widow and +a Wapshot’s honour is sacred.’</p> +<p>“‘I suppose, sir,’ says I, ‘Mr. Brough has +threatened to kick you out of doors, if you call again.’</p> +<p>“‘You <i>have</i> been with him, I see,’ says the +reverend gent, with a shrug: then I remembered what you had told me +of the broken seal of your letter, and have not the slightest doubt +that Brough opened and read every word of it.</p> +<p>“Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had +a shot at him. Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery; and off +I went, primed and loaded, sir,—primed and loaded.</p> +<p>“It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed +the lodge-gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery—that +of your respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable ladies +of the house before I saw her; because look, friend Titmarsh, I saw +by Mrs. Hoggarty’s letter, that she and they were at daggers drawn, +and hoped to get her out of the house at once by means of a quarrel +with them.”</p> +<p>I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow.</p> +<p>“As luck would have it,” continued he, “Miss Brough +was in the drawing-room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously +out of tune; but as I entered at the door, I cried ‘Hush!’ +to the footman, as loud as possible, stood stock-still, and then walked +forward on tip-toe lightly. Miss B. could see in the glass every +movement that I made; she pretended not to see, however, and finished +the song with a regular roulade.</p> +<p>“‘Gracious Heaven!’ said I, ‘do, madam, pardon +me for interrupting that delicious harmony,—for coming unaware +upon it, for daring uninvited to listen to it.’</p> +<p>“‘Do you come for Mamma, sir?’ said Miss Brough, +with as much graciousness as her physiognomy could command. ‘I +am Miss Brough, sir.’</p> +<p>“‘I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word +regarding my business until you have sung another charming strain.’</p> +<p>“She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, ‘La! +sir, what is your business?’</p> +<p>“‘My business is with a lady, your respected father’s +guest in this house.’</p> +<p>“‘Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!’ says Miss Brough, flouncing +towards the bell, and ringing it. ‘John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, +in the shrubbery; here is a gentleman who wants to see her.’</p> +<p>“‘I know,’ continued I, ‘Mrs. Hoggarty’s +peculiarities as well as anyone, madam; and aware that those and her +education are not such as to make her a fit companion for you. +I know you do not like her: she has written to us in Somersetshire that +you do not like her.’</p> +<p>“‘What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?’ +cried Miss Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate). +‘If she does not like us, why does she not leave us?’</p> +<p>“‘She <i>has</i> made rather a long visit,’ said +I; ‘and I am sure that her nephew and niece are longing for her +return. Pray, madam, do not move, for you may aid me in the object +for which I come.’</p> +<p>“The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular +battle-royal between the two ladies; at the end of which I intended +to appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer +to stay in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy differences. +Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought,—Miss Belinda opening the +fire, by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been calumniating her +to her friends. But though at the end of it Miss rushed out of +the room in a rage, and vowed she would leave her home unless that odious +woman left it, your dear aunt said, ‘Ha, ha! I know the +minx’s vile stratagems; but, thank Heaven! I have a good heart, +and my religion enables me to forgive her. I shall not leave her +excellent papa’s house, or vex by my departure that worthy admirable +man.’</p> +<p>“I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. ‘Your +niece,’ said I, ‘Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, +Sam says, rather poorly,—qualmish of mornings, madam,—a +little nervous, and low in spirits,—symptoms, madam, that are +scarcely to be mistaken in a young married person.’</p> +<p>“Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would +send Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would do +her good.</p> +<p>“With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my +last reserve into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam my +boy, now that the matter is so long passed. ‘Madam,’ +said I, ‘there’s a matter about which I must speak, though +indeed I scarcely dare. I dined with your nephew yesterday, and +met at his table a young man—a young man of low manners, but evidently +one who has blinded your nephew, and I too much fear has succeeded in +making an impression upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, madam; +and when I state that he who was never in the house during your presence +there, has dined with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in three +weeks, I may leave you to imagine what I dare not—dare not imagine +myself.’</p> +<p>“The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in +ten minutes more was in my carriage, on our way back to London. +There, sir, was not that generalship?”</p> +<p>“And you played this pretty trick off at my wife’s expense, +Mr. Smithers,” said I.</p> +<p>“At your wife’s expense, certainly; but for the benefit +of both of you.”</p> +<p>“It’s lucky, sir, that you are an old man,” I replied, +“and that the affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, +Mr. Smithers, I would have given you such a horsewhipping as you never +heard of!”</p> +<p>But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her +relatives; and this was the reason why we took that house in Bernard +Street, the doings at which must now he described.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER X</h2> +<p>OF SAM’S PRIVATE AFFAIRS AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF</p> +<p>We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my +aunt sent for all her furniture from the country; which would have filled +two such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young housekeepers, +as we had only to pay the carriage of the goods from Bristol.</p> +<p>When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year’s dividend, having +not for four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she +gave me 50<i>l</i>. of the 80<i>l</i>., and told me that was ample pay +for the board and lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not +eat more than a sparrow.</p> +<p>I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a pudding; +but she was rich and I could not complain. If she saved 600<i>l</i>. +a year, at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings would +one day come to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and tried +to manage matters as well as we might. It was no easy task to +keep a mansion in Bernard Street and save money out of 470<i>l</i>. +a year, which was my income. But what a lucky fellow I was to +have such an income!</p> +<p>As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers’s carriage, Mr. +Brough, with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I should +like to have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the one was carrying +the other’s prey off, out of his own very den, under his very +nose.</p> +<p>He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not +leave the house until she left it with him: that he had heard of his +daughter’s infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears—“in +tears, madam, and on her knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!” +But Mr. B. was obliged to leave the house without my aunt, who had a +<i>causa major</i> for staying, and hardly allowed poor Mary out of +her sight,—opening every one of the letters that came into the +house directed to my wife, and suspecting hers to everybody. Mary +never told me of all this pain for many many years afterwards; but had +always a smiling face for her husband when he came home from his work. +As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that he never once showed +his nose in the place all the time we lived there; but used to be content +with news of Mary, of whom he was as fond as he was of me.</p> +<p>Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with +me. He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before +the gents of the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that +I was not only a servant, but a considerable shareholder in the company; +that I defied him to find fault with my work or my regularity; and that +I was not minded to receive any insolent language from him or any man. +He said it was always so: that he had never cherished a young man in +his bosom, but the ingrate had turned on him; that he was accustomed +to wrong and undutifulness from his children, and that he would pray +that the sin might be forgiven me. A moment before he had been +cursing and swearing at me, and speaking to me as if I had been his +shoeblack. But, look you, I was not going to put up with any more +of Madam Brough’s airs, or of his. With me they might act +as they thought fit; but I did not choose that my wife should be passed +over by them, as she had been in the matter of the visit to Fulham.</p> +<p>Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. “Beware +of these men,” said he; “but for my honesty, your aunt’s +landed property would have been sacrificed by these cormorants: and +when, for her benefit—which you, obstinate young man, will not +perceive—I wished to dispose of her land, her attorneys actually +had the audacity—the unchristian avarice I may say—to ask +ten per cent. commission on the sale.”</p> +<p>There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when rogues +fall out, honest men come by their own: and now I began to suspect, +I am sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director had a little +of the rogue in their composition. It was especially about my +wife’s fortune that Mr. B. showed <i>his</i> cloven foot: for +proposing, as usual, that I should purchase shares with it in our Company, +I told him that my wife was a minor, and as such her little fortune +was vested out of my control altogether. He flung away in a rage +at this; and I soon saw that he did not care for me any more, by Abednego’s +manner to me. No more holidays, no more advances of money, had +I: on the contrary, the private clerkship at 150<i>l</i>. was abolished, +and I found myself on my 250<i>l</i>. a year again. Well, what +then? it was always a good income, and I did my duty, and laughed at +the Director.</p> +<p>About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer +Company shut up shop—exploded, as Gus said, with a bang! +The Patent Pump shares were down to 15<i>l</i>. upon a paid-up capital +of 65<i>l</i>. Still ours were at a high premium; and the Independent +West Diddlesex held its head up as proudly as any office in London. +Roundhand’s abuse had had some influence against the Director, +certainly; for he hinted at malversation of shares: but the Company +still stood as united as the Hand-in-Hand, and as firm as the Rock.</p> +<p>To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell Square: +my aunt’s old furniture crammed our little rooms; and my aunt’s +enormous old jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and half the strings +broken, occupied three-fourths of the little drawing-room. Here +used Mrs. H. to sit, and play us, for hours, sonatas that were in fashion +in Lord Charleville’s time; and sung with a cracked voice, till +it was all that we could do to refrain from laughing.</p> +<p>And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs. +Hoggarty’s character now: for whereas she was in the country among +the topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea-party +at six and a game of twopenny whist afterwards,—in London she +would never dine till seven; would have a fly from the mews to drive +in the Park twice a week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and twisted over +and over, all her old gowns, flounces, caps, and fallals, and kept my +poor Mary from morning till night altering them to the present mode. +Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, appeared in a new wig; and, I am sorry to say, +turned out with such a pair of red cheeks as Nature never gave her, +and as made all the people in Bernard Street stare, where they are not +as yet used to such fashions.</p> +<p>Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery,—a +boy, that is, of about sixteen,—who was dressed in one of the +old liveries that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, decorated +with new cuffs and collars, and new buttons: on the latter were represented +the united crests of the Titmarshes and Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant +and a hog in armour. I thought this livery and crest-button rather +absurd, I must confess; though my family is very ancient. And +heavens! what a roar of laughter was raised in the office one day, when +the little servant in the big livery, with the immense cane, walked +in and brought me a message from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty! +Furthermore, all letters were delivered on a silver tray. If we +had had a baby, I believe Aunt would have had it down on the tray: but +there was as yet no foundation for Mr. Smithers’s insinuation +upon that score, any more than for his other cowardly fabrication before +narrated. Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely up and down the New +Road, with the boy following with his great gold-headed stick; but though +there was all this ceremony and parade, and Aunt still talked of her +acquaintances, we did not see a single person from week’s end +to week’s end, and a more dismal house than ours could hardly +be found in London town.</p> +<p>On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then +just built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre; and of evenings, +to a meeting-house of the Anabaptists: and that day, at least, Mary +and I had to ourselves,—for we chose to have seats at the Foundling, +and heard the charming music there, and my wife used to look wistfully +in the pretty children’s faces,—and so, for the matter of +that, did I. It was not, however, till a year after our marriage +that she spoke in a way which shall be here passed over, but which filled +both her and me with inexpressible joy.</p> +<p>I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the Muff +and Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of 300,000<i>l</i>. +as some said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty with some Indians, +who had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the Company. Some people +said there were no Indians, and no agent to be tomahawked at all; but +that the whole had been invented in a house in Crutched Friars. +Well, I pitied poor Tidd, whose 20,000<i>l</i>. were thus gone in a +year, and whom I met in the City that day with a most ghastly face. +He had 1,000<i>l</i>. of debts, he said, and talked of shooting himself; +but he was only arrested, and passed a long time in the Fleet. +Mary’s delightful news, however, soon put Tidd and the Muff and +Tippet Company out of my head; as you may fancy.</p> +<p>Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed +to show that our Director was—what is not to be found in Johnson’s +Dictionary—rather shaky. Three of his companies had broken; +four more were in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the meetings +of the directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words passed, which +ended in the retirement of several of the board. Friends of Mr. +B.’s filled up their places: Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, Mr. Query, +and other respectable gents, coming forward and joining the concern. +Brough and Hoff dissolved partnership; and Mr. B. said he had quite +enough to do to manage the I. W. D., and intended gradually to retire +from the other affairs. Indeed, such an Association as ours was +enough work for any man, let alone the parliamentary duties which Brough +was called on to perform, and the seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon +him as principal director of the late companies.</p> +<p>Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs. +Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to say, +although we had my Lord Tiptoff’s word to the contrary, she insisted +upon it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related; and no sooner +did she read in the <i>Morning Post</i> of the arrival of her Ladyship +and her granddaughters in London, than she ordered the fly before mentioned, +and left cards at their respective houses: her card, that is—“<span class="smcap">Mrs. +Hoggarty</span> of <span class="smcap">Castle Hoggarty</span>,” +magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and flourishes; and ours, viz., +“Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh,” which she had printed for the +purpose.</p> +<p>She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston’s door and forced +her way upstairs, in spite of Mary’s entreaties to the contrary, +had the footman who received her card given her the least encouragement; +but that functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her appearance, +placed himself in the front of the door, and declared that he had positive +orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. On which Mrs. Hoggarty +clenched her fist out of the coach-window, and promised that she would +have him turned away.</p> +<p>Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote +a most indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the insolence +of the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. Preston did not take +any notice of her letter, further than to return it, with a desire that +he might not be troubled with such impertinent visits for the future. +A pretty day we had of it when this letter arrived, owing to my aunt’s +disappointment and rage in reading the contents; for when Solomon brought +up the note on the silver tea-tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. Preston’s +seal and name at the corner of the letter (which is the common way of +writing adopted by those official gents)—my aunt, I say, seeing +his name and seal, cried, “<i>Now</i>, Mary, who is right?” +and betted my wife a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation +to dinner. She never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but contented +herself by abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor-spirited sneak +for not instantly horsewhipping Mr. P. A pretty joke, indeed! +They would have hanged me in those days, as they did the man who shot +Mr. Perceval.</p> +<p>And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel +life which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty; but +it must be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting only for +the brief period of six months: and also, genteel society has been fully +described already by various authors of novels, whose names need not +here be set down, but who, being themselves connected with the aristocracy, +viz., as members of noble families, or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, +naturally understand their subject a great deal better than a poor young +fellow from a fire-office can.</p> +<p>There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. +H. would insist upon conducting us; and where, in a room of the establishment +called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents after the music and +dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a pretty figure did our +little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big cane, among the gentlemen +of the shoulder-knot assembled in the lobby!)—where, I say, in +the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old Lady Drum, whom I pointed out +to her, and insisted upon claiming relationship with her Ladyship. +But my Lady Drum had only a memory when she chose, as I may say, and +had entirely on this occasion thought fit to forget her connection with +the Titmarshes and Hoggarties. Far from recognising us, indeed, +she called Mrs. Hoggarty an “ojus ’oman,” and screamed +out as loud as possible for a police-officer.</p> +<p>This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this +wicked world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really serious +society. She formed several very valuable acquaintances, she said, +at the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon her friend +of the Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did not know then the interview +which he had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did Grimes think proper to acquaint +us with the particulars of it; but though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with +the fact that her favourite preacher had been tried for forgery, <i>she</i> +replied that she considered the story an atrocious calumny; and <i>he</i> +answered by saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and +that we should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, +of which he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend gentleman’s +guidance and advice, she, after a time, separated from St. Pancras altogether—“<i>sat +under him</i>,” as the phrase is, regularly thrice a week—began +to labour in the conversion of the poor of Bloomsbury and St. Giles’s, +and made a deal of baby-linen for distribution among those benighted +people. She did not make any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, +who now showed signs that such would be speedily necessary, but let +Mary (and my mother and sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite +for the coming event. I am not, indeed, sure that she did not +say it was wrong on our parts to make any such provision, and that we +ought to let the morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend +Grimes Wapshot drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined +there even oftener than poor Gus used to do.</p> +<p>But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I must +confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my circumstances, +and was much harassed both as a private and public character.</p> +<p>As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50<i>l</i>.; but +out of that 50<i>l</i>. I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, +all the carriage of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, +and carpeting of my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the +Reverend Grimes and his friends (for the reverend gent said that Rosolio +did not agree with him); and finally, a thousand small bills and expenses +incident to all housekeepers in the town of London.</p> +<p>Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want +of cash, Madame Mantalini’s bill, Messrs. Howell and James’s +ditto, the account of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius +for the setting of the diamond pin. All these bills arrived in +a week, as they have a knack of doing; and fancy my astonishment in +presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, when she said, “Well, my dear, +you are in the receipt of a very fine income. If you choose to +order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, you must pay for them; +and don’t expect that <i>I</i> am to abet your extravagance, or +give you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay you for board +and lodging!”</p> +<p>How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary +in such a delicate condition? And bad as matters were at home, +I am sorry to say at the office they began to look still worse.</p> +<p>Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego +became head clerk: and one day old Abednego came to the place and was +shown into the directors’ private room; when he left it, he came +trembling, chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun, “Shentlemen—” +a speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr. Brough, with an +imploring look, and crying out, “Stop till Saturday!” at +length got him into the street.</p> +<p>On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became +head clerk with 400<i>l</i>. a year salary. It was a fatal week +for the office, too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat +at the head desk, and my first read of the newspaper, as was my right, +the first thing I read was, “Frightful fire in Houndsditch! +Total destruction of Mr. Meshach’s sealing-wax manufactory and +of Mr. Shadrach’s clothing depôt, adjoining. In the +former was 20,000<i>l</i>. worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the +voracious element attacked and devoured in a twinkling. The latter +estimable gentleman had just completed forty thousand suits of clothes +for the cavalry of H.H. the Cacique of Poyais.”</p> +<p>Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, +were insured in our office to the full amount of their loss. The +calamity was attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish watchman, +who was employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle of whisky in +the warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously looked for the liquor +with a lighted candle. The man was brought to our office by his +employers; and certainly, as we all could testify, was <i>even then</i> +in a state of frightful intoxication.</p> +<p>As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the +demise of Alderman Pash—Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him +in our lighter hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such +a moment as this was no time for joking! He was insured by our +house for 5,000<i>l</i>. And now I saw very well the truth of +a remark of Gus’s—viz., that life-assurance companies go +on excellently for a year or two after their establishment, but that +it is much more difficult to make them profitable when the assured parties +begin to die.</p> +<p>The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the +Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the Company +of 80,000<i>l</i>., and though the Patent Erostratus Match Manufactory +had exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000<i>l</i>., there +were those who said that the loss had not been near so heavy as was +supposed—nay, that the Company had burnt the above-named establishments +as advertisements for themselves. Of these facts I can’t +be positive, having never seen the early accounts of the concern.</p> +<p>Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as +dismal as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and-four, +laughing and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the door.</p> +<p>“Gentlemen!” said he, “you have read the papers; +they announce an event which I most deeply deplore. I mean the +demise of the excellent Alderman Pash, one of our constituents. +But if anything can console me for the loss of that worthy man, it is +to think that his children and widow will receive, at eleven o’clock +next Saturday, 5,000<i>l</i>. from my friend Mr. Titmarsh, who is now +head clerk here. As for the accident which has happened to Messrs. +Shadrach and Meshach,—in <i>that</i>, at least, there is nothing +that can occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as soon +as the particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, +my friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of +forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds—according to +the amount of their loss. <i>They</i>, at least, will be remunerated; +and though to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, +yet we can afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can afford it himself, +for the matter of that, and not be very much embarrassed; and we must +learn to bear ill-fortune as we have hitherto borne good, and show ourselves +to be men always!”</p> +<p>Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don’t +like to give here; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common +worldly matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring +it to bear witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious hypocrite +does, is such a frightful crime, that one should be careful even in +alluding to it.</p> +<p>Mr. Brough’s speech somehow found its way into the newspapers +of that very evening; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for none +of our gents left the office that day until the evening papers had appeared. +But there was the speech—ay, and at the week’s end, although +Roundhand was heard on ’Change that day declaring he would bet +five to one that Alderman Pash’s money would never be paid,—at +the week’s end the money was paid by me to Mrs. Pash’s solicitor +across the counter, and no doubt Roundhand lost his money.</p> +<p>Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no harm +in mentioning the matter now after twenty years’ lapse of time; +and moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead.</p> +<p>As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough’s +room, and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his confidence.</p> +<p>“Titmarsh my boy,” said he one day to me, after looking +me hard in the face, “did you ever hear of the fate of the great +Mr. Silberschmidt of London?” Of course I had. Mr. +Silberschmidt, the Rothschild of his day (indeed I have heard the latter +famous gent was originally a clerk in Silberschmidt’s house)—Silberschmidt, +fancying he could not meet his engagements, committed suicide; and had +he lived till four o’clock that day, would have known that he +was worth 400,000<i>l</i>. “To tell you frankly the truth,” +says Mr. B., “I am in Silberschmidt’s case. My late +partner, Hoff, has given bills in the name of the firm to an enormous +amount, and I have been obliged to meet them. I have been cast +in fourteen actions, brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer +Company; and all the debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of +my known wealth. Now, unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the +long and short of the matter is that if I cannot procure 5,000<i>l</i>. +before Saturday, <i>our concern is ruined</i>!”</p> +<p>“What! the West Diddlesex ruined?” says I, thinking of +my poor mother’s annuity. “Impossible! our business +is splendid!”</p> +<p>“We must have 5,000<i>l</i>. on Saturday, and we are saved; +and if you will, as you can, get it for me, I will give you 10,000<i>l</i>. +for the money!”</p> +<p>B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and +his own private account; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt, +that with the 5,000<i>l</i>. our office must be set a-going; and without +it, that the concern must stop. No matter how he proved the thing; +but there is, you know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but leave +to use figures, and he will prove anything.</p> +<p>I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she +seemed not to be disinclined. I told him so; and that day he called +upon her, his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon her, and +once more the Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our house.</p> +<p>But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager; and, instead of carrying matters +with a high hand, fairly burst into tears before Mrs. Hoggarty, and +went down on her knees and besought her to save dear John. This +at once aroused my aunt’s suspicions; and instead of lending the +money, she wrote off to Mr. Smithers instantly to come up to her, desired +me to give her up the 3,000<i>l</i>. scrip shares that I possessed, +called me an atrocious cheat and heartless swindler, and vowed I had +been the cause of her ruin.</p> +<p>How was Mr. Brough to get the money? I will tell you. +Being in his room one day, old Gates the Fulham porter came and brought +him from Mr. Balls, the pawnbroker, a sum of 1,200<i>l</i>. Missus +told him, he said, to carry the plate to Mr. Balls; and having paid +the money, old Gates fumbled a great deal in his pockets, and at last +pulled out a 5<i>l</i>. note, which he said his daughter Jane had just +sent him from service, and begged Mr. B. would let him have another +share in the Company. “He was mortal sure it would go right +yet. And when he heard master crying and cursing as he and missus +were walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want of a few +pounds—a few shillings—the finest fortune in Europe was +to be overthrown, why Gates and his woman thought that they should come +for’ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest +master and missus ever was.”</p> +<p>This was the substance of Gates’s speech; and Mr. Brough shook +his hand and—took the 5<i>l</i>. “Gates,” said +he, “that 5<i>l</i>. note shall be the best outlay you ever made +in your life!” and I have no doubt it was,—but it was in +heaven that poor old Gates was to get the interest of his little mite.</p> +<p>Nor was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough’s sister, +Miss Dough, who had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever +since he had risen to be a great man, came to the office with a power +of attorney, and said, “John, Isabella has been with me this morning, +and says you want money, and I have brought you my 4,000<i>l</i>.; it +is all I have, John, and pray God it may do you good—you and my +dear sister, who was the best sister in the world to me—till—till +a little time ago.”</p> +<p>And she laid down the paper: I was called up to witness it, and Brough, +with tears in his eyes, told me her words; for he could trust me, he +said. And thus it was that I came to be present at Gates’s +interview with his master, which took place only an hour afterwards. +Brave Mrs. Brough! how she was working for her husband! Good woman, +and kind! but <i>you</i> had a true heart, and merited a better fate! +Though wherefore say so? The woman, to this day, thinks her husband +an angel, and loves him a thousand times better for his misfortunes.</p> +<p>On Saturday, Alderman Pash’s solicitor was paid by me across +the counter, as I said. “Never mind your aunt’s money, +Titmarsh my boy,” said Brough: “never mind her having resumed +her shares. You are a true honest fellow; you have never abused +me like that pack of curs downstairs, and I’ll make your fortune +yet!”</p> +<p>* * * * *</p> +<p>The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, +and with Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea comfortably, a knock was heard +at the door, and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the parlour. +It was Mr. Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as a shareholder +of the Independent West Diddlesex Association, at the suit of Von Stiltz +of Clifford Street, tailor and draper.</p> +<p>I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven’s sake not +to tell Mary.</p> +<p>“Where is Brough?” says Mr. Smithers.</p> +<p>“Why,” says Mr. Aminadab, “he’s once more +of the firm of Brough and Off, sir—he breakfasted at Calais this +morning!”</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XI</h2> +<p>IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND AND YET BE VERY +HARD PRESSED FOR A DINNER</p> +<p>On that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackney-coach, fetched from +the Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable house and my dear little +wife; whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might. He said +that I was compelled to take a journey upon business connected with +the office; and my poor Mary made up a little portmanteau of clothes, +and tied a comforter round my neck, and bade my companion particularly +to keep the coach windows shut: which injunction the grinning wretch +promised to obey. Our journey was not long: it was only a shilling +fare to Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane, and there I was set down.</p> +<p>The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of +half-a-dozen in that street which were used for the same purpose. +No man, be he ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I think, +without a shudder. The front windows are barred, and on the dingy +pillar of the door was a shining brass-plate, setting forth that “Aminadab, +Officer to the Sheriff of Middlesex,” lived therein. A little +red-haired Israelite opened the first door as our coach drove up, and +received me and my baggage.</p> +<p>As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself +in the face of another huge door, which was strongly locked; and, at +last, passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house.</p> +<p>There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand +other houses in our dark City of London. There was a dirty passage +and a dirty stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into two +filthy rooms, which had strong bars at the windows, and yet withal an +air of horrible finery that makes me uncomfortable to think of even +yet. On the walls hung all sorts of trumpery pictures in tawdry +frames (how different from those capital performances of my cousin Michael +Angelo!); on the mantelpiece huge French clocks, vases, and candlesticks; +on the sideboards, enormous trays of Birmingham plated ware: for Mr. +Aminadab not only arrested those who could not pay money, but lent it +to those who could; and had already, in the way of trade, sold and bought +these articles many times over.</p> +<p>I agreed to take the back-parlour for the night, and while a Hebrew +damsel was arranging a little dusky sofa-bedstead (woe betide him who +has to sleep on it!) I was invited into the front parlour, where Mr. +Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I should have a dinner for +nothing with a party who had just arrived. I did not want for +dinner, but I was glad not to be alone—not alone, even till Gus +came; for whom I despatched a messenger to his lodgings hard by.</p> +<p>I found there, in the front parlour, at eight o’clock in the +evening, four gentlemen, just about to sit down to dinner. Surprising! +there was Mr. B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only within half-an-hour +arrived in a post-chaise with his companion, Mr. Lock, an officer of +Horsham gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in this wise:—He was a +careless good-humoured gentleman, and had indorsed bills to a large +amount for a friend; who, a man of high family and unquestionable honour, +had pledged the latter, along with a number of the most solemn oaths, +for the payment of the bills in question. Having indorsed the +notes, young Mr. B., with a proper thoughtlessness, forgot all about +them, and so, by some chance, did the friend whom he obliged; for, instead +of being in London with the money for the payment of his obligations, +this latter gentleman was travelling abroad, and never hinted one word +to Mr. B. that the notes would fall upon him. The young gentleman +was at Brighton lying sick of a fever; was taken from his bed by a bailiff, +and carried, on a rainy day, to Horsham gaol; had a relapse of his complaint, +and when sufficiently recovered, was brought up to London to the house +of Mr. Aminadab; where I found him—a pale, thin, good-humoured, +<i>lost</i> young man: he was lying on a sofa, and had given orders +for the dinner to which I was invited. The lad’s face gave +one pain to look at; it was impossible not to see that his hours were +numbered.</p> +<p>Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story; but I can’t +help mentioning him, as I saw him. He sent for his lawyer and +his doctor; the former settled speedily his accounts with the bailiff, +and the latter arranged all his earthly accounts: for after he went +from the spunging-house he never recovered from the shock of the arrest, +and in a few weeks he <i>died</i>. And though this circumstance +took place many years ago, I can’t forget it to my dying day; +and often see the author of Mr. B.’s death,—a prosperous +gentleman, riding a fine horse in the Park, lounging at the window of +a club; with many friends, no doubt, and a good reputation. I +wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with a good appetite? +I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.’s heirs the sum which that +gentleman paid, and <i>died for</i>?</p> +<p>If Mr. B.’s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only +inserted here for the sake of a moral, what business have I to mention +particulars of the dinner to which I was treated by that gentleman, +in the spunging-house in Cursitor Street? Why, for the moral too; +and therefore the public must be told of what really and truly that +dinner consisted.</p> +<p>There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup: viz., mock-turtle +soup, ox-tail soup, and giblet soup. Next came a great piece of +salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a roast saddle of +mutton, roast game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In this way can +a gentleman live in a spunging-house if he be inclined; and over this +repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let alone having dined, +my heart was full of care)—over this meal my friend Gus Hoskins +found me, when he received the letter that I had despatched to him.</p> +<p>Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart failed +him as the red-headed young Moses opened and shut for him the numerous +iron outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind a bottle of claret, +in a room blazing with gilt lamps; the curtains were down too, and you +could not see the bars at the windows; and Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton +officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another rich gentleman of his trade and religious +persuasion, were chirping as merrily, and looked as respectably, as +any noblemen in the land.</p> +<p>“Have him in,” said Mr. B., “if he’s a friend +of Mr. Titmarsh’s; for, cuss me, I like to see a rogue: and run +me through, Titmarsh, but I think you are one of the best in London. +You beat Brough; you do, by Jove! for he looks like a rogue—anybody +would swear to him; but you! by Jove, you look the very picture of honesty!”</p> +<p>“A deep file,” said Aminadab, winking and pointing me +out to his friend Mr. Jehoshaphat.</p> +<p>“A good one,” says Jehoshaphat.</p> +<p>“In for three hundred thousand pound,” says Aminadab: +“Brough’s right-hand man, and only three-and-twenty.”</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your ’ealth, sir,” says Mr. +Lock, in an ecstasy of admiration. “Your very good ’earth, +sir, and better luck to you next time.”</p> +<p>“Pooh, pooh! <i>he’s</i> all right,” says Aminadab; +“let <i>him</i> alone.”</p> +<p>“In for <i>what</i>?” shouted I, quite amazed. +“Why, sir, you arrested me for 90<i>l</i>.”</p> +<p>“Yes, but you are in for half a million,—you know you +are. <i>Them</i> debts I don’t count—them paltry tradesmen’s +accounts. I mean Brough’s business. It’s an +ugly one; but you’ll get through it. We all know you; and +I lay my life that when you come through the court, Mrs. Titmarsh has +got a handsome thing laid by.”</p> +<p>“Mrs. Titmarsh has a small property,” says I. “What +then?”</p> +<p>The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a “rum +chap”—a “downy cove,” and made other remarks +which I could not understand then; but the meaning of which I have since +comprehended, for they took me to be a great rascal, I am sorry to say, +and supposed that I had robbed the I. W. D. Association, and, in order +to make my money secure, settled it on my wife.</p> +<p>It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus came +in; and whew! when he saw what was going on, he gave <i>such</i> a whistle!</p> +<p>“Herr von Joel, by Jove!” says Aminadab. At which +all laughed.</p> +<p>“Sit down,” says Mr. B.,—“sit down, and wet +your whistle, my piper! I say, egad! you’re the piper that +played before Moses! Had you there, Dab. Dab, get a fresh +bottle of Burgundy for Mr. Hoskins.” And before he knew +where he was, there was Gus for the first time in his life drinking +Clos-Vougeot. Gus said he had never tasted Bergamy before, at +which the bailiff sneered, and told him the name of the wine.</p> +<p>“<i>Old Clo</i>! What?” says Gus; and we laughed: +but the Hebrew gents did not this time.</p> +<p>“Come, come, sir!” says Mr. Aminadab’s friend, +“ve’re all shentlemen here, and shentlemen never makish +reflexunsh upon other gentlemen’sh pershuashunsh.”</p> +<p>After this feast was concluded, Gus and I retired to my room to consult +about my affairs. With regard to the responsibility incurred as +a shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy; for though the +matter might cause me a little trouble at first, I knew I was not a +shareholder; that the shares were scrip shares, making the dividend +payable to the bearer; and my aunt had called back her shares, and consequently +I was free. But it was very unpleasant to me to consider that +I was in debt nearly a hundred pounds to tradesmen, chiefly of Mrs. +Hoggarty’s recommendation; and as she had promised to be answerable +for their bills, I determined to send her a letter reminding her of +her promise, and begging her at the same time to relieve me from Mr. +Von Stiltz’s debt, for which I was arrested: and which was incurred +not certainly at her desire, but at Mr. Brough’s; and would never +have been incurred by me but at the absolute demand of that gentleman.</p> +<p>I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debts, and +promised myself on Monday morning again to be with my dear wife. +Gus carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Bernhard Street +after church-time; taking care that Mary should know nothing at all +of the painful situation in which I was placed. It was near midnight +when we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could in the dirty +little sofa-bedstead of Mr. Aminadab’s back-parlour.</p> +<p>That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells ringing +cheerfully for church, and longed to be walking to the Foundling with +my wife: but there were the three iron doors between me and liberty, +and I had nothing for it but to read my prayers in my own room, and +walk up and down afterwards in the court at the back of the house. +Would you believe it? This very court was like a cage! Great iron +bars covered it in from one end to another; and here it was that Mr. +Aminadab’s gaol-birds took the air.</p> +<p>They had seen me reading out of the prayer-book at the back-parlour +window, and all burst into a yell of laughter when I came to walk in +the cage. One of them shouted out “Amen!” when I appeared; +another called me a muff (which means, in the slang language, a very +silly fellow); a third wondered that I took to my prayer-book <i>yet</i>.</p> +<p>“When do you mean, sir?” says I to the fellow—a +rough man, a horse-dealer.</p> +<p>“Why, when you are going <i>to be hanged</i>, you young hypocrite!” +says the man. “But that is always the way with Brough’s +people,” continued he. “I had four greys once for +him—a great bargain, but he would not go to look at them at Tattersall’s, +nor speak a word of business about them, because it was a Sunday.”</p> +<p>“Because there are hypocrites,” sir, says I, “religion +is not to be considered a bad thing; and if Mr. Brough would not deal +with you on a Sunday, he certainly did his duty.”</p> +<p>The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently considered +me a great criminal. I was glad to be released from their society +by the appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore very long +faces. They were ushered into my room, and, without any orders +of mine, a bottle of wine and biscuits were brought in by Mr. Aminadab; +which I really thought was very kind of him.</p> +<p>“Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh,” says Smithers, +“and read this letter. A pretty note was that which you +sent to your aunt this morning, and here you have an answer to it.”</p> +<p>I drank the wine, and trembled rather as I read as follows:—</p> +<blockquote><p>“Sir,—If, because you knew I had desined +to leave you my proparty, you wished to murdar me, and so stepp into +it, you are dissapointed. Your <i>villiany</i> and <i>ingratitude +would</i> have murdard me, had I not, by Heaven’s grace, been +inabled to look for consalation <i>elsewhere</i>.</p> +<p>“For nearly a year I have been a <i>martar</i> to you. +I gave up everything,—my happy home in the country, where all +respected the name of Hoggarty; my valuble furnitur and wines; my plate, +glass, and crockry; I brought all—all to make your home happy +and rispectable. I put up with the <i>airs and impertanencies</i> +of Mrs. Titmarsh; I loaded her and you with presents and bennafits. +I sacrafised myself; I gave up the best sociaty in the land, to witch +I have been accustomed, in order to be a gardian and compannion to you, +and prevent, if possible, that <i>waist and ixtravygance</i> which I +<i>prophycied</i> would be your ruin. Such waist and ixtravygance +never, never, never did I see. Buttar waisted as if it had been +dirt, coles flung away, candles burnt <i>at both ends</i>, tea and meat +the same. The butcher’s bill in this house was enough to +support six famalies.</p> +<p>“And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly +for your crimes,—for cheating me of 3,000<i>l</i>., for robbing +your mother of an insignificient summ, which to her, poor thing, was +everything (though she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her +life next door to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot pay, +wherein you knew that your miserable income was quite unable to support +your ixtravygance—you come upon me to pay your detts! No, +sir, it is quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, and +that your wife should sweep the streets, to which you have indeed brought +them; <i>I</i>, at least, though cheated by you of a large summ, and +obliged to pass my days in comparative ruin, can retire, and have some +of the comforts to which my rank entitles me. The furnitur in +this house is mine; and as I presume you intend <i>your lady</i> to +sleep in the streets, I give you warning that I shall remove it all +tomorrow.</p> +<p>“Mr. Smithers will tell you that I had intended to leave you +my intire fortune. I have this morning, in his presents, solamly +toar up my will; and hereby renounce all connection with you and your +beggarly family.</p> +<p>“<span class="smcap">Susan Hoggarty</span>.</p> +<p>“P.S.—I took a viper into my bosom, <i>and it stung me</i>.”</p> +</blockquote> +<p>I confess that, on the first reading of this letter, I was in such +a fury that I forgot almost the painful situation in which it plunged +me, and the ruin hanging over me.</p> +<p>“What a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter!” +said Mr. Smithers. “You have cut your own throat, sir,—lost +a fine property,—written yourself out of five hundred a year. +Mrs. Hoggarty, my client, brought the will, as she says, downstairs, +and flung it into the fire before our faces.”</p> +<p>“It’s a blessing that your wife was from home,” +added Gus. “She went to church this morning with Dr. Salt’s +family, and sent word that she would spend the day with them. +She was always glad to be away from Mrs. H., you know.”</p> +<p>“She never knew on which side her bread was buttered,” +said Mr. Smithers. “You should have taken the lady when +she was in the humour, sir, and have borrowed the money elsewhere. +Why, sir, I had almost reconciled her to her loss in that cursed Company. +I showed her how I had saved out of Brough’s claws the whole of +her remaining fortune; which he would have devoured in a day, the scoundrel! +And if you would have left the matter to me, Mr. Titmarsh, I would have +had you reconciled completely to Mrs. Hoggarty; I would have removed +all your difficulties; I would have lent you the pitiful sum of money +myself.”</p> +<p>“Will you?” says Gus; “that’s a trump!” +and he seized Smithers’s hand, and squeezed it so that the tears +came into the attorney’s eyes.</p> +<p>“Generous fellow!” said I; “lend me money, when +you know what a situation I am in, and not able to pay!”</p> +<p>“Ay, my good sir, there’s the rub!” says Mr. Smithers. +“I said I <i>would</i> have lent the money; and so to the acknowledged +heir of Mrs. Hoggarty I would—would at this moment; for nothing +delights the heart of Bob Smithers more than to do a kindness. +I would have rejoiced in doing it; and a mere acknowledgment from that +respected lady would have amply sufficed. But now, sir, the case +is altered,—you have no security to offer, as you justly observe.”</p> +<p>“Not a whit, certainly.”</p> +<p>“And without security, sir, of course can expect no money—of +course not. You are a man of the world, Mr. Titmarsh, and I see +our notions exactly agree.”</p> +<p>“There’s his wife’s property,” says Gus.</p> +<p>“Wife’s property? Bah! Mrs. Sam Titmarsh +is a minor, and can’t touch a shilling of it. No, no, no +meddling with minors for me! But stop!—your mother has a +house and shop in our village. Get me a mortgage of that—”</p> +<p>“I’ll do no such thing, sir,” says I. “My +mother has suffered quite enough on my score already, and has my sisters +to provide for; and I will thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a +syllable to her regarding my present situation.”</p> +<p>“You speak like a man of honour, sir,” says Mr. Smithers, +“and I will obey your injunctions to the letter. I will +do more, sir. I will introduce you to a respectable firm here, +my worthy friends, Messrs. Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, who will do +everything in their power to serve you. And so, sir, I wish you +a very good morning.”</p> +<p>And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room; and after +a further consultation with my aunt, as I heard afterwards, quitted +London that evening by the mail.</p> +<p>I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently to +my wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should speak of it abruptly to her; +as I knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an hour panting +back, to say that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her trunks, and had +gone off in a hackney-coach. So, knowing that my poor Mary was +not to return till night, Hoskins remained with me till then; and, after +a dismal day, left me once more at nine, to carry the dismal tidings +to her.</p> +<p>At ten o’clock on that night there was a great rattling and +ringing at the outer door, and presently my poor girl fell into my arms; +and Gus Hoskins sat blubbering in a corner, as I tried my best to console +her.</p> +<p>* * * * *</p> +<p>The next morning I was favoured with a visit from Mr. Blatherwick; +who, hearing from me that I had only three guineas in my pocket, told +me very plainly that lawyers only lived by fees. He recommended +me to quit Cursitor Street, as living there was very expensive. +And as I was sitting very sad, my wife made her appearance (it was with +great difficulty that she could be brought to leave me the night previous)—</p> +<p>“The horrible men came at four this morning,” said she; +“four hours before light.”</p> +<p>“What horrible men?” says I.</p> +<p>“Your aunt’s men,” said she, “to remove the +furniture they had it all packed before I came away. And I let +them carry all,” said she; “I was too sad to look what was +ours and what was not. That odious Mr. Wapshot was with them; +and I left him seeing the last waggon-load from the door. I have +only brought away your clothes,” added she, “and a few of +mine; and some of the books you used to like to read; and some—some +things I have been getting for the—for the baby. The servants’ +wages were paid up to Christmas; and I paid them the rest. And +see! just as I was going away, the post came, and brought to me my half-year’s +income—35<i>l</i>., dear Sam. Isn’t it a blessing?”</p> +<p>“Will you pay my bill, Mr. What-d’ye-call-’im?” +here cried Mr. Aminadab, flinging open the door (he had been consulting +with Mr. Blatherwick, I suppose). “I want the room for <i>a +gentleman</i>. I guess it’s too dear for the like of you.” +And here—will you believe it?—the man handed me a bill of +three guineas for two days’ board and lodging in his odious house.</p> +<p>* * * * *</p> +<p>There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, +and had I been alone I should have been ashamed of seeing them; but, +as it was, I was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was leaning +trustfully on my arm, and smiling like heaven into my face—ay, +and <i>took</i> heaven, too, into the Fleet prison with me—or +an angel out of heaven. Ah! I had loved her before, and happy +it is to love when one is hopeful and young in the midst of smiles and +sunshine; but be <i>un</i>happy, and then see what it is to be loved +by a good woman! I declare before Heaven, that of all the joys +and happy moments it has given me, that was the crowning one—that +little ride, with my wife’s cheek on my shoulder, down Holborn +to the prison! Do you think I cared for the bailiff that sat opposite? +No, by the Lord! I kissed her, and hugged her—yes, and cried +with her likewise. But before our ride was over her eyes dried +up, and she stepped blushing and happy out of the coach at the prison +door, as if she were a princess going to the Queen’s Drawing-room.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XII</h2> +<p>IN WHICH THE HERO’S AUNT’S DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINTANCE +WITH THE HERO’S UNCLE</p> +<p>The failure of the great Diddlesex Association speedily became the +theme of all the newspapers, and every person concerned in it was soon +held up to public abhorrence as a rascal and a swindler. It was +said that Brough had gone off with a million of money. Even it +was hinted that poor I had sent a hundred thousand pounds to America, +and only waited to pass through the court in order to be a rich man +for the rest of my days. This opinion had some supporters in the +prison; where, strange to say, it procured me consideration—of +which, as may be supposed, I was little inclined to avail myself. +Mr. Aminadab, however, in his frequent visits to the Fleet, persisted +in saying that I was a poor-spirited creature, a mere tool in Brough’s +hands, and had not saved a shilling. Opinions, however, differed; +and I believe it was considered by the turnkeys that I was a fellow +of exquisite dissimulation, who had put on the appearance of poverty +in order more effectually to mislead the public.</p> +<p>Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public odium: +and, in fact, what were the exact dealings of these gentlemen with Mr. +Brough I have never been able to learn. It was proved by the books +that large sums of money had been paid to Mr. Abednego by the Company; +but he produced documents signed by Mr. Brough, which made the latter +and the West Diddlesex Association his debtors to a still further amount. +On the day I went to the Bankruptcy Court to be examined, Mr. Abednego +and the two gentlemen from Houndsditch were present to swear to their +debts, and made a sad noise, and uttered a vast number of oaths in attestation +of their claim. But Messrs. Jackson and Paxton produced against +them that very Irish porter who was said to have been the cause of the +fire, and, I am told, hinted that they had matter for hanging the Jewish +gents if they persisted in their demand. On this they disappeared +altogether, and no more was ever heard of their losses. I am inclined +to believe that our Director had had money from Abednego—had given +him shares as bonus and security—had been suddenly obliged to +redeem these shares with ready money; and so had precipitated the ruin +of himself and the concern. It is needless to say here in what +a multiplicity of companies Brough was engaged. That in which +poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did not pay 2<i>d</i>. in the pound; +and that was the largest dividend paid by any of them.</p> +<p>As for ours—ah! there was a pretty scene as I was brought from +the Fleet to the Bankruptcy Court, to give my testimony as late head +clerk and accountant of the West Diddlesex Association.</p> +<p>My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompanying +me to Basinghall Street; and so did my friend Gus Hoskins, that true +and honest fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was assembled, +and the hubbub that was made as I was brought up!</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh,” says the Commissioner as I came to the +table, with a peculiar sarcastic accent on the Tit—“Mr. +Titmarsh, you were the confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk +of Mr. Brough, and a considerable shareholder in the Company?”</p> +<p>“Only a nominal one, sir,” said I.</p> +<p>“Of course, only nominal,” continued the Commissioner, +turning to his colleague with a sneer; “and a great comfort it +must be to you, sir, to think that you had a share in all the plun—the +profits of the speculation, and now can free yourself from the losses, +by saying you are only a nominal shareholder.”</p> +<p>“The infernal villain!” shouted out a voice from the +crowd. It was that of the furious half-pay captain and late shareholder, +Captain Sparr.</p> +<p>“Silence in the court there!” the Commissioner continued: +and all this while Mary was anxiously looking in his face, and then +in mine, as pale as death; while Gus, on the contrary, was as red as +vermilion. “Mr. Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune to +see a list of your debts from the Insolvent Court, and find that you +are indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the great tailor, in a handsome sum; to +Mr. Polonius, the celebrated jeweller, likewise; to fashionable milliners +and dressmakers, moreover;—and all this upon a salary of 200<i>l</i>. +per annum. For so young a gentleman it must be confessed you have +employed your time well.”</p> +<p>“Has this anything to do with the question, sir?” says +I. “Am I here to give an account of my private debts, or +to speak as to what I know regarding the affairs of the Company? +As for my share in it, I have a mother, sir, and many sisters—”</p> +<p>“The d-d scoundrel!” shouts the Captain.</p> +<p>“Silence that there fellow!” shouts Gus, as bold as brass; +at which the court burst out laughing, and this gave me courage to proceed.</p> +<p>“My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of 400<i>l</i>. +left to her, advised with her solicitor, Mr. Smithers, how she should +dispose of this sum; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was just +then established, the money was placed in an annuity in that office, +where I procured a clerkship. You may suppose me a very hardened +criminal, because I have ordered clothes of Mr. Von Stiltz; but you +will hardly fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew anything of the concerns +of the Company into whose service I entered as twentieth clerk, my own +mother’s money paying, as it were, for my place. Well, sir, +the interest offered by the Company was so tempting, that a rich relative +of mine was induced to purchase a number of shares.”</p> +<p>“Who induced your relative, if I may make so bold as to inquire?”</p> +<p>“I can’t help owning, sir,” says I, blushing, “that +I wrote a letter myself. But consider, my relative was sixty years +old, and I was twenty-one. My relative took several months to +consider, and had the advice of her lawyers before she acceded to my +request. And I made it at the instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated +the letter which I wrote, and who I really thought then was as rich +as Mr. Rothschild himself.”</p> +<p>“Your friend placed her money in your name; and you, if I mistake +not, Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed over the heads of twelve of +your fellow-clerks as a reward for your service in obtaining it?”</p> +<p>“It is very true, sir,”—and, as I confessed it, +poor Mary began to wipe her eyes, and Gus’s ears (I could not +see his face) looked like two red-hot muffins—“it’s +quite true, sir; and, as matters have turned out, I am heartily sorry +for what I did. But at the time I thought I could serve my aunt +as well as myself; and you must remember, then, how high our shares +were.”</p> +<p>“Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were straightway +taken into Mr. Brough’s confidence. You were received into +his house, and from third clerk speedily became head clerk; in which +post you were found at the disappearance of your worthy patron!”</p> +<p>“Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure; but here +are a hundred of our shareholders, and I’m not unwilling to make +a clean breast of it,” said I, pressing Mary’s hand. +“I certainly was the head clerk. And why? Because +the other gents left the office. I certainly was received into +Mr. Brough’s house. And why? Because, sir, my aunt +<i>had more money to lay out</i>. I see it all clearly now, though +I could not understand it then; and the proof that Mr. Brough wanted +my aunt’s money, and not me, is that, when she came to town, our +Director carried her by force out of my house to Fulham, and never so +much as thought of asking me or my wife thither. Ay, sir, and +he would have had her remaining money, had not her lawyer from the country +prevented her disposing of it. Before the concern finally broke, +and as soon as she heard there was doubt concerning it, she took back +her shares—scrip shares they were, sir, as you know—and +has disposed of them as she thought fit. Here, sir, and gents,” +says I, “you have the whole of the history as far as regards me. +In order to get her only son a means of livelihood, my mother placed +her little money with the Company—it is lost. My aunt invested +larger sums with it, which were to have been mine one day, and they +are lost too; and here am I, at the end of four years, a disgraced and +ruined man. Is there anyone present, however much he has suffered +by the failure of the Company, that has had worse fortune through it +than I?”</p> +<p>“Mr. Titmarsh,” says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more +friendly way, and at the same time casting a glance at a newspaper reporter +that was sitting hard by, “your story is not likely to get into +the newspapers; for, as you say, it is a private affair, which you had +no need to speak of unless you thought proper, and may be considered +as a confidential conversation between us and the other gentlemen here. +But if it <i>could</i> be made public, it might do some good, and warn +people, if they <i>will</i> be warned, against the folly of such enterprises +as that in which you have been engaged. It is quite clear from +your story, that you have been deceived as grossly as anyone of the +persons present. But look you, sir, if you had not been so eager +after gain, I think you would not have allowed yourself to be deceived, +and would have kept your relative’s money, and inherited it, according +to your story, one day or other. Directly people expect to make +a large interest, their judgment seems to desert them; and because they +wish for profit, they think they are sure of it, and disregard all warnings +and all prudence. Besides the hundreds of honest families who +have been ruined by merely placing confidence in this Association of +yours, and who deserve the heartiest pity, there are hundreds more who +have embarked in it, like yourself, not for investment, but for speculation; +and these, upon my word, deserve the fate they have met with. +As long as dividends are paid, no questions are asked; and Mr. Brough +might have taken the money for his shareholders on the high-road, and +they would have pocketed it, and not been too curious. But what’s +the use of talking?” says Mr. Commissioner, in a passion: “here +is one rogue detected, and a thousand dupes made; and if another swindler +starts to-morrow, there will be a thousand more of his victims round +this table a year hence; and so, I suppose, to the end. And now +let’s go to business, gentlemen, and excuse this sermon.”</p> +<p>After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, other +gents who were employed in the concern were examined; and I went back +to prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We had to pass +through the crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as I saw, amongst +a score of others, poor Gates, Brough’s porter, who had advanced +every shilling to his master, and was now, with ten children, houseless +and penniless in his old age. Captain Sparr was in this neighbourhood, +but by no means so friendly disposed; for while Gates touched his hat, +as if I had been a lord, the little Captain came forward threatening +with his bamboo-cane and swearing with great oaths that I was an accomplice +of Brough. “Curse you for a smooth-faced scoundrel!” +says he. “What business have you to ruin an English gentleman, +as you have me?” And again he advanced with his stick. +But this time, officer as he was, Gus took him by the collar, and shoved +him back, and said, “Look at the lady, you brute, and hold your +tongue!” And when he looked at my wife’s situation, +Captain Sparr became redder for shame than he had before been for anger. +“I’m sorry she’s married to such a good-for-nothing,” +muttered he, and fell back; and my poor wife and I walked out of the +court, and back to our dismal room in the prison.</p> +<p>It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to be confined +in; and I longed to have some of my relatives with her when her time +should come. But her grandmother could not leave the old lieutenant; +and my mother had written to say that, as Mrs. Hoggarty was with us, +she was quite as well at home with her children. “What a +blessing it is for you, under your misfortunes,” continued the +good soul, “to have the generous purse of your aunt for succour!” +Generous purse of my aunt, indeed! Where could Mrs. Hoggarty be? +It was evident that she had not written to any of her friends in the +country, nor gone thither, as she threatened.</p> +<p>But as my mother had already lost so much money through my unfortunate +luck, and as she had enough to do with her little pittance to keep my +sisters at home; and as, on hearing of my condition, she would infallibly +have sold her last gown to bring me aid, Mary and I agreed that we would +not let her know what our real condition was—bad enough! Heaven +knows, and sad and cheerless. Old Lieutenant Smith had likewise +nothing but his half-pay and his rheumatism; so we were, in fact, quite +friendless.</p> +<p>That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me like +recollections of some fever. What an awful place!—not for +the sadness, strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of it; +for the long prison galleries were, I remember, full of life and a sort +of grave bustle. All day and all night doors were clapping to +and fro; and you heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. +Next door to our room was one where a man sold gin, under the name of +<i>tape</i>; and here, from morning till night, the people kept up a +horrible revelry;—and sang—sad songs some of them: but my +dear little girl was, thank God! unable to understand the most part +of their ribaldry. She never used to go out till nightfall; and +all day she sat working at a little store of caps and dresses for the +expected stranger—and not, she says to this day, unhappy. +But the confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy country +air, and she grew daily paler and paler.</p> +<p>The Fives Court was opposite our window; and here I used, very unwillingly +at first, but afterwards, I do confess, with much eagerness, to take +a couple of hours’ daily sport. Ah! it was a strange place. +There was an aristocracy there as elsewhere,—amongst other gents, +a son of my Lord Deuce-ace; and many of the men in the prison were as +eager to walk with him, and talked of his family as knowingly, as if +they were Bond Street bucks. Poor Tidd, especially, was one of +these. Of all his fortune he had nothing left but a dressing-case +and a flowered dressing-gown; and to these possessions he added a fine +pair of moustaches, with which the poor creature strutted about; and +though cursing his ill fortune, was, I do believe, as happy whenever +his friends brought him a guinea, as he had been during his brief career +as a gentleman on town. I have seen sauntering dandies in watering-places +ogling the women, watching eagerly for steamboats and stage-coaches +as if their lives depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets +up and down the public walks. Well, there are such fellows in +prison: quite as dandified and foolish, only a little more shabby—dandies +with dirty beards and holes at their elbows.</p> +<p>I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prison—I +<i>dared</i> not, that was the fact. But our little stock of money +was running low; and my heart sickened to think what might be my dear +wife’s fate, and on what sort of a couch our child might be born. +But Heaven spared me that pang,—Heaven, and my dear good friend, +Gus Hoskins.</p> +<p>The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me that I +could get leave to live in the rules of the Fleet, could I procure sureties +to the marshal of the prison for the amount of the detainer lodged against +me; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick hard in the face, he never offered +to give the bail for me, and I knew no housekeeper in London who would +procure it. There was, however, one whom I did not know,—and +that was old Mr. Hoskins, the leatherseller of Skinner Street, a kind +fat gentleman, who brought his fat wife to see Mrs. Titmarsh; and though +the lady gave herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free +of the Skinners’ Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, +Lord Mayor of the first city in the world), she seemed heartily to sympathise +with us; and her husband stirred and bustled about until the requisite +leave was obtained, and I was allowed comparative liberty.</p> +<p>As for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. +Stokes, sent her Jemima to say that her first floor was at our service; +and when we had taken possession of it, and I offered at the end of +the week to pay her bill, the good soul, with tears in her eyes, told +me that she did not want for money now, and that she knew I had enough +to do with what I had. I did not refuse her kindness; for, indeed, +I had but five guineas left, and ought not by rights to have thought +of such expensive apartments as hers; but my wife’s time was very +near, and I could not bear to think that she should want for any comfort +in her lying-in.</p> +<p>The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came every day +to keep company—and very nice, kind ladies they are—recovered +her health a good deal, now she was out of the odious prison and was +enabled to take exercise. How gaily did we pace up and down Bridge +Street and Chatham Place, to be sure! and yet, in truth, I was a beggar, +and felt sometimes ashamed of being so happy.</p> +<p>With regard to the liabilities of the Company my mind was now made +quite easy; for the creditors could only come upon our directors, and +these it was rather difficult to find. Mr. Brough was across the +water; and I must say, to the credit of that gentleman, that while everybody +thought he had run away with hundreds of thousands of pounds, he was +in a garret at Boulogne, with scarce a shilling in his pocket, and his +fortune to make afresh. Mrs. Brough, like a good brave woman, +remained faithful to him, and only left Fulham with the gown on her +back; and Miss Belinda, though grumbling and sadly out of temper, was +no better off. For the other directors,—when they came to +inquire at Edinburgh for Mr. Mull, W. S., it appeared there <i>was</i> +a gentleman of that name, who had practised in Edinburgh with good reputation +until 1800, since when he had retired to the Isle of Skye; and on being +applied to, knew no more of the West Diddlesex Association than Queen +Anne did. General Sir Dionysius O’Halloran had abruptly +quitted Dublin, and returned to the republic of Guatemala. Mr. +Shirk went into the <i>Gazette</i>. Mr. Macraw, M.P. and King’s +Counsel, had not a single guinea in the world but what he received for +attending our board; and the only man seizable was Mr. Manstraw, a wealthy +navy contractor, as we understood, at Chatham. He turned out to +be a small dealer in marine stores, and his whole stock in trade was +not worth 10<i>l</i>. Mr. Abednego was the other director, and +we have already seen what became of <i>him</i>.</p> +<p>“Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex,” +suggested Mr. Hoskins, senior, “should you not now endeavour to +make an arrangement with your creditors; and who can make a better bargain +with them than pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose sweet eyes would soften +the hardest-hearted tailor or milliner that ever lived?”</p> +<p>Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me by +the hand, and bidding me be of good cheer, set forth with Gus in a coach, +to pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a year before, +that the daughter of the gallant Smith should ever be compelled to be +a suppliant to tailors and haberdashers; but <i>she</i>, Heaven bless +her! felt none of the shame which oppressed me—or <i>said</i> +she felt none—and went away, nothing doubting, on her errand.</p> +<p>In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know the news. +I saw it was bad by her face. For some time she did not speak, +but looked as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. “<i>You</i> +speak, Mr. Augustus,” at last said she, sobbing; and so Gus told +me the circumstances of that dismal day.</p> +<p>“What do you think, Sam?” says he; “that infernal +aunt of yours, at whose command you had the things, has written to the +tradesmen to say that you are a swindler and impostor; that you give +out that <i>she</i> ordered the goods; that she is ready to drop down +dead, and to take her bible-oath she never did any such thing, and that +they must look to you alone for payment. Not one of them would +hear of letting you out; and as for Mantalini, the scoundrel was so +insolent that I gave him a box on the ear, and would have half-killed +him, only poor Mary—Mrs. Titmarsh I mean—screamed and fainted: +and I brought her away, and here she is, as ill as can be.”</p> +<p>That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to run post-haste for +Doctor Salts, and next morning a little boy was born. I did not +know whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little weakly +thing; but Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in the world, +and forgot all her sorrows in nursing the poor baby; she went bravely +through her time, and vowed that it was the loveliest child in the world; +and that though Lady Tiptoff, whose confinement we read of as having +taken place the same day, might have a silk bed and a fine house in +Grosvenor Square, she never never could have such a beautiful child +as our dear little Gus: for after whom should we have named the boy, +if not after our good kind friend? We had a little party at the +christening, and I assure you were very merry over our tea.</p> +<p>The mother, thank Heaven! was very well, and it did one’s heart +good to see her in that attitude in which I think every woman, be she +ever so plain, looks beautiful—with her baby at her bosom. +The child was sickly, but she did not see it; we were very poor, but +what cared she? She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was: I +had my last guinea now in my pocket; and when <i>that</i> was gone—ah! +my heart sickened to think of what was to come, and I prayed for strength +and guidance, and in the midst of my perplexities felt yet thankful +that the danger of the confinement was over; and that for the worst +fortune which was to befall us, my dear wife was at least prepared, +and strong in health.</p> +<p>I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper room—a +garret that should cost but a few shillings; and though the good woman +bade me remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now that my wife +was well, I felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind landlady of +her chief means of livelihood; and at length she promised to get me +a garret as I wanted, and to make it as comfortable as might be; and +little Jemima declared that she would be glad beyond measure to wait +on the mother and the child.</p> +<p>The room, then, was made ready; and though I took some pains not +to speak of the arrangement too suddenly to Mary, yet there was no need +of disguise or hesitation; for when at last I told her—“Is +that all?” said she, and took my hand with one of her blessed +smiles, and vowed that she and Jemima would keep the room as pretty +and neat as possible. “And I will cook your dinners,” +added she; “for you know you said I make the best roly-poly puddings +in the world.” God bless her! I do think some women +almost love poverty: but I did not tell Mary how poor I was, nor had +she any idea how lawyers’, and prison’s, and doctors’ +fees had diminished the sum of money which she brought me when we came +to the Fleet.</p> +<p>It was not, however, destined that she and her child should inhabit +that little garret. We were to leave our lodgings on Monday morning; +but on Saturday evening the child was seized with convulsions, and all +Sunday the mother watched and prayed for it: but it pleased God to take +the innocent infant from us, and on Sunday, at midnight, it lay a corpse +in its mother’s bosom. Amen. We have other children, +happy and well, now round about us, and from the father’s heart +the memory of this little thing has almost faded; but I do believe that +every day of her life the mother thinks of the firstborn that was with +her for so short a while: many and many a time has she taken her daughters +to the grave, in Saint Bride’s, where he lies buried; and she +wears still at her neck a little little lock of gold hair, which she +took from the head of the infant as he lay smiling in his coffin. +It has happened to me to forget the child’s birthday, but to her +never; and often in the midst of common talk comes something that shows +she is thinking of the child still,—some simple allusion that +is to me inexpressibly affecting.</p> +<p>I shall not try to describe her grief, for such things are sacred +and secret; and a man has no business to place them on paper for all +the world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child’s +loss at all, but that even that loss was the means of a great worldly +blessing to us; as my wife has often with tears and thanks acknowledged.</p> +<p>While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to say I was +distracted with other feelings besides those of grief for its loss; +and I have often since thought what a master—nay, destroyer—of +the affections want is, and have learned from experience to be thankful +for <i>daily bread</i>. That acknowledgment of weakness which +we make in imploring to be relieved from hunger and from temptation, +is surely wisely put in our daily prayer. Think of it you who +are rich, and take heed how you turn a beggar away.</p> +<p>The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet fixed smile +in its face (I think the angels in heaven must have been glad to welcome +that pretty innocent smile); and it was only the next day, after my +wife had gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch by it, that I remembered +the condition of its parents, and thought, I can’t tell with what +a pang, that I had not money left to bury the little thing, and wept +bitter tears of despair. Now, at last, I thought I must apply +to my poor mother, for this was a sacred necessity; and I took paper, +and wrote her a letter at the baby’s side, and told her of our +condition. But, thank Heaven! I never sent the letter; for +as I went to the desk to get sealing-wax and seal that dismal letter, +my eyes fell upon the diamond pin that I had quite forgotten, and that +was lying in the drawer of the desk.</p> +<p>I looked into the bedroom,—my poor wife was asleep; she had +been watching for three nights and days, and had fallen asleep from +sheer fatigue; and I ran out to a pawnbroker’s with the diamond, +and received seven guineas for it, and coming back put the money into +the landlady’s hand, and told her to get what was needful. +My wife was still asleep when I came back; and when she woke, we persuaded +her to go downstairs to the landlady’s parlour; and meanwhile +the necessary preparations were made, and the poor child consigned to +its coffin.</p> +<p>The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three +out of the seven guineas; and then I could not help sobbing out to her +my doubts and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last money +I had; and when that was gone I knew not what was to become of the best +wife that ever a man was blest with.</p> +<p>My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was with +me, and quite as much affected as any of the party, took me by the arm, +and led me downstairs; and we quite forgot all about the prison and +the rules, and walked a long long way across Blackfriars Bridge, the +kind fellow striving as much as possible to console me.</p> +<p>When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person +who met me in the house was my kind mother, who fell into my arms with +many tears, and who rebuked me tenderly for not having told her of my +necessities. She never should have known of them, she said; but +she had not heard from me since I wrote announcing the birth of the +child, and she felt uneasy about my silence; and meeting Mr. Smithers +in the street, asked from him news concerning me: whereupon that gentleman, +with some little show of alarm, told her that he thought her daughter-in-law +was confined in an uncomfortable place; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left +us; finally, that I was in prison. This news at once despatched +my poor mother on her travels, and she had only just come from the prison, +where she learned my address.</p> +<p>I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found her. +Rather to my amaze she said that Mary was out with the landlady when +she arrived; and eight—nine o’clock came, and she was absent +still.</p> +<p>At ten o’clock returned—not my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, +and with her a gentleman, who shook hands with me on coming into the +room, and said, “Mr. Titmarsh! I don’t know whether +you will remember me: my name is Tiptoff. I have brought you a +note from Mrs. Titmarsh, and a message from my wife, who sincerely commiserates +your loss, and begs you will not be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh’s +absence. She has been good enough to promise to pass the night +with Lady Tiptoff; and I am sure you will not object to her being away +from you, while she is giving happiness to a sick mother and a sick +child.” After a few more words, my Lord left us. My +wife’s note only said that Mrs. Stokes would tell me all.</p> +<h2>CHAPTER XIII</h2> +<p>IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN +WEAR IN HIS BOSOM</p> +<p>“Mrs. Titmarsh, ma’am,” says Mrs. Stokes, “before +I gratify your curiosity, ma’am, permit me to observe that angels +is scarce; and it’s rare to have one, much more two, in a family. +Both your son and your daughter-in-law, ma’am, are of that uncommon +sort; they are, now, reely, ma’am.”</p> +<p>My mother said she thanked God for both of us; and Mrs. Stokes proceeded:—</p> +<p>“When the fu--- when the seminary, ma’am, was concluded +this morning, your poor daughter-in-law was glad to take shelter in +my humble parlour, ma’am; where she wept, and told a thousand +stories of the little cherub that’s gone. Heaven bless us! +it was here but a month, and no one could have thought it could have +done such a many things in that time. But a mother’s eyes +are clear, ma’am; and I had just such another angel, my dear little +Antony, that was born before Jemima, and would have been twenty-three +now were he in this wicked world, ma’am. However, I won’t +speak of him, ma’am, but of what took place.</p> +<p>“You must know, ma’am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained downstairs +while Mr. Samuel was talking with his friend Mr. Hoskins; and the poor +thing would not touch a bit of dinner, though we had it made comfortable; +and after dinner, it was with difficulty I could get her to sup a little +drop of wine-and-water, and dip a toast in it. It was the first +morsel that had passed her lips for many a long hour, ma’am.</p> +<p>“Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to interrupt +her; but she sat and looked at my two youngest that were playing on +the rug; and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus went out, the boy +brought the newspaper, ma’am,—it always comes from three +to four, and I began a-reading of it. But I couldn’t read +much, for thinking of poor Mr. Sam’s sad face as he went out, +and the sad story he told me about his money being so low; and every +now and then I stopped reading, and bade Mrs. T. not to take on so; +and told her some stories about my dear little Antony.</p> +<p>“‘Ah!’ says she, sobbing, and looking at the young +ones, ‘you have other children, Mrs. Stokes; but that—that +was my only one;’ and she flung back in her chair, and cried fit +to break her heart: and I knew that the cry would do her good, and so +went back to my paper—the <i>Morning Post</i>, ma’am; I +always read it, for I like to know what’s a-going on in the West +End.</p> +<p>“The very first thing that my eyes lighted upon was this:—‘Wanted, +immediately, a respectable person as wet-nurse. Apply at No. ---, +Grosvenor Square.’ ‘Bless us and save us!’ says +I, ‘here’s poor Lady Tiptoff ill;’ for I knew her +Ladyship’s address, and how she was confined on the very same +day with Mrs. T.: and, for the matter of that, her Ladyship knows my +address, having visited here.</p> +<p>“A sudden thought came over me. ‘My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,’ +said I, ‘you know how poor and how good your husband is?’</p> +<p>“‘Yes,’ says she, rather surprised.</p> +<p>“‘Well, my dear,’ says I, looking her hard in the +face, ‘Lady Tiptoff, who knows him, wants a nurse for her son, +Lord Poynings. Will you be a brave woman, and look for the place, +and mayhap replace the little one that God has taken from you?’</p> +<p>“She began to tremble and blush; and then I told her what you, +Mr. Sam, had told me the other day about your money matters; and no +sooner did she hear it than she sprung to her bonnet, and said, ‘Come, +come:’ and in five minutes she had me by the arm, and we walked +together to Grosvenor Square. The air did her no harm, Mr. Sam, +and during the whole of the walk she never cried but once, and then +it was at seeing a nursery-maid in the Square.</p> +<p>“A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, ‘You’re +the forty-fifth as come about this ’ere place; but, fust, let +me ask you a preliminary question. Are you a Hirishwoman?’</p> +<p>“‘No, sir,’ says Mrs. T.</p> +<p>“‘That suffishnt, mem,’ says the gentleman in plush; +‘I see you’re not by your axnt. Step this way, ladies, +if you please. You’ll find some more candidix for the place +upstairs; but I sent away forty-four happlicants, because they <i>was</i> +Hirish.’</p> +<p>“We were taken upstairs over very soft carpets, and brought +into a room, and told by an old lady who was there to speak very softly, +for my Lady was only two rooms off. And when I asked how the baby +and her Ladyship were, the old lady told me both were pretty well: only +the doctor said Lady Tiptoff was too delicate to nurse any longer; and +so it was considered necessary to have a wet-nurse.</p> +<p>“There was another young woman in the room—a tall fine +woman as ever you saw—that looked very angry and contempshious +at Mrs. T. and me, and said, ‘I’ve brought a letter from +the duchess whose daughter I nust; and I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, +my Lady Tiptoff may look far before she finds such another nuss as me. +Five feet six high, had the small-pox, married to a corporal in the +Lifeguards, perfectly healthy, best of charactiers, only drink water; +and as for the child, ma’am, if her Ladyship had six, I’ve +a plenty for them all.’</p> +<p>“As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in +black came in from the next room, treading as if on velvet. The +woman got up, and made him a low curtsey, and folding her arms on her +great broad chest, repeated the speech she had made before. Mrs. +T. did not get up from her chair, but only made a sort of a bow; which, +to be sure, I thought was ill manners, as this gentleman was evidently +the apothecary. He looked hard at her and said, ‘Well, my +good woman, and are you come about the place too?’</p> +<p>“‘Yes, sir,’ says she, blushing.</p> +<p>“‘You seem very delicate. How old is your child? +How many have you had? What character have you?’</p> +<p>“Your wife didn’t answer a word; so I stepped up, and +said, ‘Sir,’ says I, ‘this lady has just lost her +first child, and isn’t used to look for places, being the daughter +of a captain in the navy; so you’ll excuse her want of manners +in not getting up when you came in.’</p> +<p>“The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly +to her; he said he was afraid that her application would be unsuccessful, +as Mrs. Horner came very strongly recommended from the Duchess of Doncaster, +whose relative Lady Tiptoff was; and presently my Lady appeared, looking +very pretty, ma’am, in an elegant lace-cap and a sweet muslin +<i>robe-de-sham</i>.</p> +<p>“A nurse came out of her Ladyship’s room with her; and +while my Lady was talking to us, walked up and down in the next room +with something in her arms.</p> +<p>“First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Horner, and then to Mrs. T.; +but all the while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh, rather rudely, as +I thought, ma’am, was looking into the next room: looking—looking +at the baby there with all her might. My Lady asked her her name, +and if she had any character; and as she did not speak, I spoke up for +her, and said she was the wife of one of the best men in the world; +that her Ladyship knew the gentleman, too, and had brought him a haunch +of venison. Then Lady Tiptoff looked up quite astonished, and +I told the whole story: how you had been head clerk, and that rascal, +Brough, had brought you to ruin. ‘Poor thing!’ said +my Lady: Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak, but still kept looking at the +baby; and the great big grenadier of a Mrs. Horner looked angrily at +her.</p> +<p>“‘Poor thing!’ says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.’s +hand very kind, ‘she seems very young. How old are you, +my dear?’</p> +<p>“‘Five weeks and two days!’ says your wife, sobbing.</p> +<p>“Mrs. Horner burst into a laugh; but there was a tear in my +Lady’s eyes, for she knew what the poor thing was a-thinking of.</p> +<p>“‘Silence, woman!’ says she angrily to the great +grenadier woman; and at this moment the child in the next room began +crying.</p> +<p>“As soon as your wife heard the noise, she sprung from her +chair and made a stop forward, and put both her hands to her breast +and said, ‘The child—the child—give it me!’ +and then began to cry again.</p> +<p>“My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the +next room and brought her the baby; and the baby clung to her as if +he knew her: and a pretty sight it was to see that dear woman with the +child at her bosom.</p> +<p>“When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did? After +looking on it for a bit, she put her arms round your wife’s neck +and kissed her.</p> +<p>“‘My dear,’ said she, ‘I am sure you are +as good as you are pretty, and you shall keep the child: and I thank +God for sending you to me!’</p> +<p>“These were her very words; and Dr. Bland, who was standing +by, says, ‘It’s a second judgment of Solomon!’</p> +<p>“‘I suppose, my Lady, you don’t want <i>me</i>?’ +says the big woman, with another curtsey.</p> +<p>“‘Not in the least!’ answers my Lady, haughtily, +and the grenadier left the room: and then I told all your story at full +length, and Mrs. Blenkinsop kept me to tea, and I saw the beautiful +room that Mrs. Titmarsh is to have next to Lady Tiptoff’s; and +when my Lord came home, what does he do but insist upon coming back +with me here in a hackney-coach, as he said he must apologise to you +for keeping your wife away.”</p> +<p>I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event which, +in the midst of our sorrow, came to console us, and in our poverty to +give us bread,—I could not help connecting it with the <i>diamond +pin</i>, and fancying that the disappearance of that ornament had somehow +brought a different and a better sort of luck into my family. +And though some gents who read this, may call me a poor-spirited fellow +for allowing my wife to go out to service, who was bred a lady and ought +to have servants herself: yet, for my part, I confess I did not feel +one minute’s scruple or mortification on the subject. If +you love a person, is it not a pleasure to feel obliged to him? +And this, in consequence, I felt. I was proud and happy at being +able to think that my dear wife should be able to labour and earn bread +for me, now misfortune had put it out of my power to support me and +her. And now, instead of making any reflections of my own upon +prison discipline, I will recommend the reader to consult that admirable +chapter in the Life of Mr. Pickwick in which the same theme is handled, +and which shows how silly it is to deprive honest men of the means of +labour just at the moment when they most want it. What could I +do? There were one or two gents in the prison who could work (literary +gents,—one wrote his “Travels in Mesopotamia,” and +the other his “Sketches at Almack’s,” in the place); +but all the occupation I could find was walking down Bridge Street, +and then up Bridge Street, and staring at Alderman Waithman’s +windows, and then at the black man who swept the crossing. I never +gave him anything; but I envied him his trade and his broom, and the +money that continually fell into his old hat. But I was not allowed +even to carry a broom.</p> +<p>Twice or thrice—for Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy +often to breathe the air of such a close place as Salisbury Square—my +dear Mary came in the thundering carriage to see me. They were +merry meetings; and—if the truth must be told—twice, when +nobody was by, I jumped into the carriage and had a drive with her; +and when I had seen her home, jumped into another hackney-coach and +drove back. But this was only twice; for the system was dangerous, +and it might bring me into trouble, and it cost three shillings from +Grosvenor Square to Ludgate Hill.</p> +<p>Here, meanwhile, my good mother kept me company; and what should +we read of one day but the marriage of Mrs. Hoggarty and the Rev. Grimes +Wapshot! My mother, who never loved Mrs. H., now said that she +should repent all her life having allowed me to spend so much of my +time with that odious ungrateful woman; and added that she and I too +were justly punished for worshipping the mammon of unrighteousness and +forgetting our natural feelings for the sake of my aunt’s paltry +lucre. “Well, Amen!” said I. “This is +the end of all our fine schemes! My aunt’s money and my +aunt’s diamond were the causes of my ruin, and now they are clear +gone, thank Heaven! and I hope the old lady will be happy; and I must +say I don’t envy the Rev. Grimes Wapshot.” So we put +Mrs. Hoggarty out of our thoughts, and made ourselves as comfortable +as might be.</p> +<p>Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their children +than we poor ones, and little Lord Poynings was not christened until +the month of June. A duke was one godfather, and Mr. Edmund Preston, +the State Secretary, another; and that kind Lady Jane Preston, whom +I have before spoken of, was the godmother to her nephew. She +had not long been made acquainted with my wife’s history; and +both she and her sister loved her heartily and were very kind to her. +Indeed, there was not a single soul in the house, high or low, but was +fond of that good sweet creature; and the very footmen were as ready +to serve her as they were their own mistress.</p> +<p>“I tell you what, sir,” says one of them. “You +see, Tit my boy, I’m a connyshure, and up to snough; and if ever +I see a lady in my life, Mrs. Titmarsh is one. I can’t be +fimiliar with her—I’ve tried—”</p> +<p>“Have you, sir?” said I.</p> +<p>“Don’t look so indignant! I can’t, I say, +be fimiliar with her as I am with you. There’s a somethink +in her, a jenny-squaw, that haws me, sir! and even my Lord’s own +man, that ’as ’ad as much success as any gentleman in Europe—he +says that, cuss him—”</p> +<p>“Mr. Charles,” says I, “tell my Lord’s own +man that, if he wants to keep his place and his whole skin, he will +never address a single word to that lady but such as a servant should +utter in the presence of his mistress; and take notice that I am a gentleman, +though a poor one, and will murder the first man who does her wrong!”</p> +<p>Mr. Charles only said “Gammin!” to this: but psha! in +bragging about my own spirit, I forgot to say what great good fortune +my dear wife’s conduct procured for me.</p> +<p>On the christening-day, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, and +then a twenty-pound note; but she declined either; but she did not decline +a present that the two ladies made her together, and this was no other +than <i>my release from the Fleet</i>. Lord Tiptoff’s lawyer +paid every one of the bills against me, and that happy christening-day +made me a free man. Ah! who shall tell the pleasure of that day, +or the merry dinner we had in Mary’s room at Lord Tiptoff’s +house, when my Lord and my Lady came upstairs to shake hands with me!</p> +<p>“I have been speaking to Mr. Preston,” says my Lord, +“the gentleman with whom you had the memorable quarrel, and he +has forgiven it, although he was in the wrong, and promises to do something +for you. We are going down, meanwhile, to his house at Richmond; +and be sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I will not fail to keep you in his mind.”</p> +<p>“<i>Mrs</i>. Titmarsh will do that,” says my Lady; “for +Edmund is woefully smitten with her!” And Mary blushed, +and I laughed, and we were all very happy: and sure enough there came +from Richmond a letter to me, stating that I was appointed fourth clerk +in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, with a salary of 80<i>l</i>. per +annum.</p> +<p>Here perhaps my story ought to stop; for I was happy at last, and +have never since, thank Heaven! known want: but Gus insists that I should +add how I gave up the place in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, and +for what reason. That excellent Lady Jane Preston is long gone, +and so is Mr. P--- off in an apoplexy, and there is no harm now in telling +the story.</p> +<p>The fact was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary in a +much more serious way than any of us imagined; for I do believe he invited +his brother-in-law to Richmond for no other purpose than to pay court +to his son’s nurse. And one day, as I was coming post-haste +to thank him for the place he had procured for me, being directed by +Mr. Charles to the “scrubbery,” as he called it, which led +down to the river—there, sure enough, I found Mr. Preston, on +his knees too, on the gravel-walk, and before him Mary, holding the +little lord.</p> +<p>“Dearest creature!” says Mr. Preston, “do but listen +to me, and I’ll make your husband consul at Timbuctoo! He +shall never know of it, I tell you: he <i>can</i> never know of it. +I pledge you my word as a Cabinet Minister! Oh, don’t look +at me in that arch way: by heavens, your eyes kill me!”</p> +<p>Mary, when she saw me, burst out laughing, and ran down the lawn; +my Lord making a huge crowing, too, and holding out his little fat hands. +Mr. Preston, who was a heavy man, was slowly getting up, when, catching +a sight of me looking as fierce as the crater of Mount Etna,—he +gave a start back and lost his footing, and rolled over and over, walloping +into the water at the garden’s edge. It was not deep, and +he came bubbling and snorting out again in as much fright as fury.</p> +<p>“You d-d ungrateful villain!” says he, “what do +you stand there laughing for?”</p> +<p>“I’m waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir,” says +I, and laughed fit to die; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and his party, +who joined us on the lawn: and Jeames the footman came forward and helped +Mr. Preston out of the water.</p> +<p>“Oh, you old sinner!” says my Lord, as his brother-in-law +came up the slope. “Will that heart of yours be always so +susceptible, you romantic, apoplectic, immoral man?”</p> +<p>Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and ill-treated his +wife for a whole month afterwards.</p> +<p>“At any rate,” says my Lord, “Titmarsh here has +got a place through our friend’s unhappy attachment; and Mrs. +Titmarsh has only laughed at him, so there is no harm there. It’s +an ill wind that blows nobody good, you know.”</p> +<p>“Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall +never do good to me. I have learned in the past few years what +it is to make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness; and that out +of such friendship no good comes in the end to honest men. It +shall never be said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because a great man +was in love with his wife; and were the situation ten times as valuable, +I should blush every day I entered the office-doors in thinking of the +base means by which my fortune was made. You have made me free, +my Lord; and, thank God! I am willing to work. I can easily get +a clerkship with the assistance of my friends; and with that and my +wife’s income, we can manage honestly to face the world.”</p> +<p>This rather long speech I made with some animation; for, look you, +I was not over well pleased that his Lordship should think me capable +of speculating in any way on my wife’s beauty.</p> +<p>My Lord at first turned red, and looked rather angry; but at last +he held out his hand and said, “You are right, Titmarsh, and I +am wrong; and let me tell you in confidence, that I think you are a +very honest fellow. You shan’t lose by your honesty, I promise +you.”</p> +<p>Nor did I: for I am at this present moment Lord Tiptoff’s steward +and right-hand man: and am I not a happy father? and is not my wife +loved and respected by all the country? and is not Gus Hoskins my brother-in-law, +partner with his excellent father in the leather way, and the delight +of all his nephews and nieces for his tricks and fun?</p> +<p>As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman’s history would fill a volume +of itself. Since he vanished from the London world, he has become +celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, and +met all sorts of changes of high and low fortune. One thing we +may at least admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted courage; +and I can’t help thinking, as I have said before, that there must +be some good in him, seeing the way in which his family are faithful +to him. With respect to Roundhand, I had best also speak tenderly. +The case of Roundhand v. Tidd is still in the memory of the public; +nor can I ever understand how Bill Tidd, so poetic as he was, could +ever take on with such a fat, odious, vulgar woman as Mrs. R., who was +old enough to be his mother.</p> +<p>As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapshot made +overtures to be reconciled to us; and Mr. Wapshot laid bare to me all +the baseness of Mr. Smithers’s conduct in the Brough transaction. +Smithers had also endeavoured to pay his court to me, once when I went +down to Somersetshire; but I cut his pretensions short, as I have shown. +“He it was,” said Mr. Wapshot, “who induced Mrs. Grimes +(Mrs. Hoggarty she was then) to purchase the West Diddlesex shares: +receiving, of course, a large bonus for himself. But directly +he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had fallen into the hands of Mr. Brough, +and that he should lose the income he made from the lawsuits with her +tenants and from the management of her landed property, he determined +to rescue her from that villain Brough, and came to town for the purpose. +He also,” added Mr. Wapshot, “vented his malignant slander +against me; but Heaven was pleased to frustrate his base schemes. +In the proceedings consequent on Brough’s bankruptcy, Mr. Smithers +could not appear; for his own share in the transactions of the Company +would have been most certainly shown up. During his absence from +London, I became the husband—the happy husband—of your aunt. +But though, my dear sir, I have been the means of bringing her to grace, +I cannot disguise from you that Mrs. W. has faults which all my pastoral +care has not enabled me to eradicate. She is close of her money, +sir—very close; nor can I make that charitable use of her property +which, as a clergyman, I ought to do; for she has tied up every shilling +of it, and only allows me half-a-crown a week for pocket-money. +In temper, too, she is very violent. During the first years of +our union, I strove with her; yea, I chastised her; but her perseverance, +I must confess, got the better of me. I make no more remonstrances, +but am as a lamb in her hands, and she leads me whithersoever she pleases.”</p> +<p>Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing half-a-crown from me +(it was at the Somerset Coffee-house in the Strand, where he came, in +the year 1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go from thence into the +gin-shop opposite, and come out of the gin-shop half-an-hour afterwards, +reeling across the streets, and perfectly intoxicated.</p> +<p>He died next year: when his widow, who called herself Mrs. Hoggarty-Grimes-Wapshot, +of Castle Hoggarty, said that over the grave of her saint all earthly +resentments were forgotten, and proposed to come and live with us; paying +us, of course, a handsome remuneration. But this offer my wife +and I respectfully declined; and once more she altered her will, which +once more she had made in our favour; called us ungrateful wretches +and pampered menials, and left all her property to the Irish Hoggarties. +But seeing my wife one day in a carriage with Lady Tiptoff, and hearing +that we had been at the great ball at Tiptoff Castle, and that I had +grown to be a rich man, she changed her mind again, sent for me on her +death-bed, and left me the farms of Slopperton and Squashtail, with +all her savings for fifteen years. Peace be to her soul! for certainly +she left me a very pretty property.</p> +<p>Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who generally, +when he is short of coin, comes down and passes a few months with us) +says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the public (meaning, I suspect, +to himself); and if so, I am glad to serve him and them, and hereby +take farewell: bidding all gents who peruse this, to be cautious of +their money, if they have it; to be still more cautious of their friends’ +money; to remember that great profits imply great risks; and that the +great shrewd capitalists of this country would not be content with four +per cent. for their money, if they could securely get more: above all, +I entreat them never to embark in any speculation, of which the conduct +is not perfectly clear to them, and of which the agents are not perfectly +open and loyal.</p> +<p>***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH***</p> +<pre> + + +***** This file should be named 1933-h.htm or 1933-h.zip****** + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/1933 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + + + + +Title: The History of Samuel Titmarsh + and the Great Hoggarty Diamond + + +Author: William Makepeace Thackeray + + + +Release Date: February 23, 2006 [eBook #1933] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-646-US (US-ASCII) + + +***START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH*** + + + + + + +Transcribed from the 1911 John Murray edition by David Price, email +ccx074@coventry.ac.uk + + + + + +THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH +AND THE +THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND + + +LONDON +JOHN MURRAY, ALBEMARLE STREET, W. +1911 + + + + +CHAPTER I + + +GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE DIAMOND + +When I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made me a +present of a diamond-pin; that is to say, it was not a diamond-pin then, +but a large old-fashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture in the year 1795, +which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the Lord Lieutenant's balls +and elsewhere. He wore it, he said, at the battle of Vinegar Hill, when +his club pigtail saved his head from being taken off,--but that is +neither here nor there. + +In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of the +corps of Fencibles to which he belonged; around it were thirteen locks of +hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters that the old gentleman had; +and, as all these little ringlets partook of the family hue of brilliant +auburn, Hoggarty's portrait seemed to the fanciful view like a great fat +red round of beef surrounded by thirteen carrots. These were dished up +on a plate of blue enamel, and it was from the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND (as +we called it in the family) that the collection of hairs in question +seemed as it were to spring. + +My aunt, I need not say, is rich; and I thought I might be her heir as +well as another. During my month's holiday, she was particularly pleased +with me; made me drink tea with her often (though there was a certain +person in the village with whom on those golden summer evenings I should +have liked to have taken a stroll in the hayfields); promised every time +I drank her bohea to do something handsome for me when I went back to +town,--nay, three or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist +or cribbage afterwards. I did not care for the cards; for though we +always played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings +were never more than nineteenpence a night: but there was some infernal +sour black-currant wine, that the old lady always produced at dinner, and +with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I dared not refuse; though upon +my word and honour it made me very unwell. + +Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my aunt's +repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make me a present of +a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the drawer); and so +convinced was I that some such present was intended for me, that a young +lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, with whom I had conversed on the +subject, actually netted me a little green silk purse, which she gave me +(behind Hicks's hayrick, as you turn to the right up Churchyard +Lane)--which she gave me, I say, wrapped up in a bit of silver paper. +There was something in the purse, too, if the truth must be known. First +there was a thick curl of the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in +your life, and next there was threepence: that is to say, the half of a +silver sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I +knew where the other half of the sixpence was, and envied that happy bit +of silver! + +The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to Mrs. +Hoggarty. My aunt was excessively gracious; and by way of a treat +brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of which she made +me drink the greater part. At night when all the ladies assembled at her +party had gone off with their pattens and their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who +had made a signal to me to stay, first blew out three of the wax candles +in the drawing-room, and taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlocked +her escritoire. + +I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite +unconcerned. + +"Sam my dear," said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, "take another +glass of Rosolio" (that was the name by which she baptised the cursed +beverage): "it will do you good." I took it, and you might have seen my +hand tremble as the bottle went click--click against the glass. By the +time I had swallowed it, the old lady had finished her operations at the +bureau, and was coming towards me, the wax-candle bobbing in one hand and +a large parcel in the other. + +"Now's the time," thought I. + +"Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you received from +your sainted uncle, my blessed husband; and of all my nephews and nieces, +you are the one whose conduct in life has most pleased me." + +When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married sisters, +that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and mothers of numerous +children, I must say that the compliment my aunt paid me was a very +handsome one. + +"Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, "I have often heard you +say there were seventy-three of us in all, and believe me I do think your +high opinion of me very complimentary indeed: I'm unworthy of it--indeed +I am." + +"As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather sharply, "don't +speak of them, I hate them, and every one of their mothers" (the fact is, +there had been a lawsuit about Hoggarty's property); "but of all my other +kindred, you, Samuel, have been the most dutiful and affectionate to me. +Your employers in London give the best accounts of your regularity and +good conduct. Though you have had eighty pounds a year (a liberal +salary), you have not spent a shilling more than your income, as other +young men would; and you have devoted your month's holidays to your old +aunt, who, I assure you, is grateful." + +"Oh, ma'am!" said I. It was all that I could utter. + +"Samuel," continued she, "I promised you a present, and here it is. I +first thought of giving you money; but you are a regular lad; and don't +want it. You are above money, dear Samuel. I give you what I value most +in life--the p,--the po, the po-ortrait of my sainted Hoggarty" (tears), +"set in the locket which contains the valuable diamond that you have +often heard me speak of. Wear it, dear Sam, for my sake; and think of +that angel in heaven, and of your dear Aunt Susy." + +She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the lid of a +shaving-box: and I should as soon have thought of wearing it as of +wearing a cocked-hat and pigtail. I was so disgusted and disappointed +that I really could not get out a single word. + +When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket out of +the bit of paper (the locket indeed! it was as big as a barndoor +padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. "Thank you, Aunt," said I, +with admirable raillery. "I shall always value this present for the sake +of you, who gave it me; and it will recall to me my uncle, and my +thirteen aunts in Ireland." + +"I don't want you to wear it in _that_ way!" shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty, +"with the hair of those odious carroty women. You must have their hair +removed." + +"Then the locket will be spoiled, Aunt." + +"Well, sir, never mind the locket; have it set afresh." + +"Or suppose," said I, "I put aside the setting altogether: it is a little +too large for the present fashion; and have the portrait of my uncle +framed and placed over my chimney-piece, next to yours. It's a sweet +miniature." + +"That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty, solemnly, "was the great Mulcahy's +_chef-d'oeuvre_" (pronounced _shy dewver_, a favourite word of my aunt's; +being, with the words _bongtong_ and _ally mode de Parry_, the extent of +her French vocabulary). "You know the dreadful story of that poor poor +artist. When he had finished that wonderful likeness for the late Mrs. +Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at the +Lord Lieutenant's ball, where she played a game of piquet with the +Commander-in-Chief. What could have made her put the hair of her vulgar +daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't think; but so it was, as you see +it this day. 'Madam,' says the Commander-in-Chief, 'if that is not my +friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a Dutchman!' Those were his Lordship's very +words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty took off the brooch and showed +it to him. + +"'Who is the artist?' says my Lord. 'It's the most wonderful likeness I +ever saw in my life!' + +"'Mulcahy,' says she, 'of Ormond's Quay.' + +"'Begad, I patronise him!' says my Lord; but presently his face darkened, +and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied air. 'There is one +fault in that portrait,' said his Lordship, who was a rigid +disciplinarian; 'and I wonder that my friend Mick, as a military man, +should have overlooked it.' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty. + +"'Madam, he has been painted WITHOUT HIS SWORD-BELT!' And he took up the +cards again in a passion, and finished the game without saying a single +word. + +"The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that unfortunate +artist _went mad immediately_! He had set his whole reputation upon this +miniature, and declared that it should be faultless. Such was the effect +of the announcement upon his susceptible heart! When Mrs. Hoggarty died, +your uncle took the portrait and always wore it himself. His sisters +said it was for the sake of the diamond; whereas, ungrateful things! it +was merely on account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As +for the poor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use of +spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I don't believe it. Take +another glass of Rosolio." + +The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good-humour, and +she promised at the end of it to pay for the new setting of the diamond; +desiring me to take it on my arrival in London to the great jeweller, Mr. +Polonius, and send her the bill. "The fact is," said she, "that the gold +in which the thing is set is worth five guineas at the very least, and +you can have the diamond reset for two. However, keep the remainder, +dear Sam, and buy yourself what you please with it." + +With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking twelve as I +walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy always took an hour in +the telling, and I went away not quite so downhearted as when the present +was first made to me. "After all," thought I, "a diamond-pin is a +handsome thing, and will give me a _distingue_ air, though my clothes be +never so shabby"--and shabby they were without any doubt. "Well," I +said, "three guineas, which I shall have over, will buy me a couple of +pairs of what-d'ye-call-'ems;" of which, _entre nous_, I was in great +want, having just then done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made a +good eighteen months before. + +Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets; I had +poor Mary's purse there, having removed the little things which she gave +me the day before, and placed them--never mind where: but look you, in +those days I had a heart, and a warm one too. I had Mary's purse ready +for my aunt's donation, which never came, and with my own little stock of +money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's card parties had lessened by a good +five-and-twenty shillings, I calculated that, after paying my fare, I +should get to town with a couple of seven-shilling pieces in my pocket. + +I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace; so quick that, if the +thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o'clock that had +passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. H.'s long +stories over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at ten I had an +appointment under a certain person's window, who was to have been looking +at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled nightcap on, and her +blessed hair in papers. + +There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it; and though +I hemmed and hawed, and whistled over the garden paling, and sang a song +of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a pebble at the window, +which hit it exactly at the opening of the lattice,--I woke no one except +a great brute of a house-dog, that yelled, and howled, and bounced so at +me over the rails, that I thought every moment he would have had my nose +between his teeth. + +So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be; and the next morning +Mamma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and at five came the +"True Blue" light six-inside post-coach to London, and I got up on the +roof without having seen Mary Smith. + +As we passed the house, it _did_ seem as if the window curtain in her +room was drawn aside just a little bit. Certainly the window was open, +and it had been shut the night before: but away went the coach; and the +village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks's hayricks were soon out +of sight. + +* * * * * + +"My hi, what a pin!" said a stable-boy, who was smoking a cigar, to the +guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his nose. + +The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party; and being +uneasy in mind and having all my clothes to pack up, and thinking of +something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty's brooch, which I had +stuck into my shirt-frill the night before. + + + + +CHAPTER II + + +TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES WONDERFUL +EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END + +The circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of years +ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was a great mania in the +City of London for establishing companies of all sorts; by which many +people made pretty fortunes. + +I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk of +twenty-four young gents who did the immense business of the Independent +West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at their splendid stone +mansion in Cornhill. Mamma had sunk a sum of four hundred pounds in the +purchase of an annuity at this office, which paid her no less than six- +and-thirty pounds a year, when no other company in London would give her +more than twenty-four. The chairman of the directors was the great Mr. +Brough, of the house of Brough and Hoff, Crutched Friars, Turkey +Merchants. It was a new house, but did a tremendous business in the fig +and sponge way, and more in the Zante currant line than any other firm in +the City. + +Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw his +name for hundreds at the head of every charitable society patronised by +those good people. He had nine clerks residing at his office in Crutched +Friars; he would not take one without a certificate from the schoolmaster +and clergyman of his native place, strongly vouching for his morals and +doctrine; and the places were so run after, that he got a premium of four +or five hundred pounds with each young gent, whom he made to slave for +ten hours a day, and to whom in compensation he taught all the mysteries +of the Turkish business. He was a great man on 'Change, too; and our +young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks (we commonly dined +together at the "Cock and Woolpack," a respectable house, where you get a +capital cut of meat, bread, vegetables, cheese, half a pint of porter, +and a penny to the waiter, for a shilling)--the young stockbrokers used +to tell us of immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that +Brough made. Hoff had nothing to do with them, but stopped at home +minding exclusively the business of the house. He was a young chap, very +quiet and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been taken into +partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty thousand pounds: and a very +good bargain too. I was told in the strictest confidence that the house +one year with another divided a good seven thousand pounds: of which +Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, and the other sixth went to old Tudlow, +who had been Mr. Brough's clerk before the new partnership began. Tudlow +always went about very shabby, and we thought him an old miser. One of +our gents, Bob Swinney by name, used to say that Tudlow's share was all +nonsense, and that Brough had it all; but Bob was always too knowing by +half, used to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his free admission to +Covent Garden Theatre. He was always talking down at the shop, as we +called it (it wasn't a shop, but as splendid an office as any in +Cornhill)--he was always talking about Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing + + "The bramble, the bramble, + The jolly jolly bramble!" + +one of Charles Kemble's famous songs in "Maid Marian;" a play that was +all the rage then, taken from a famous story-book by one Peacock, a clerk +in the India House; and a precious good place he has too. + +When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his admission to +the theatre, he came one day down to the office where we all were, four- +and-twenty of us, and made one of the most beautiful speeches I ever +heard in my life. He said that for slander he did not care, contumely +was the lot of every public man who had austere principles of his own, +and acted by them austerely; but what he _did_ care for was the character +of every single gentleman forming a part of the Independent West +Diddlesex Association. The welfare of thousands was in their keeping; +millions of money were daily passing through their hands; the City--the +country looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example. And if he +found amongst those whom he considered as his children--those whom he +loved as his own flesh and blood--that that order was departed from, that +that regularity was not maintained, that that good example was not kept +up (Mr. B. always spoke in this emphatic way)--if he found his children +departing from the wholesome rules of morality, religion, and decorum--if +he found in high or low--in the head clerk at six hundred a year down to +the porter who cleaned the steps--if he found the slightest taint of +dissipation, he would cast the offender from him--yea, though he were his +own son, he would cast him from him! + +As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn't know +what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips: all except +Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to whistle. When Mr. B. +had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he turned round; and oh, how my +heart thumped as he looked me full in the face! How it was relieved, +though, when he shouted out in a thundering voice-- + +"Mr. ROBERT SWINNEY!" + +"Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the chaps +began to titter. + +"Mr. SWINNEY!" roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before, "when +you came into this office--this family, sir, for such it is, as I am +proud to say--you found three-and-twenty as pious and well-regulated +young men as ever laboured together--as ever had confided to them the +wealth of this mighty capital and famous empire. You found, sir, +sobriety, regularity, and decorum; no profane songs were uttered in this +place sacred to--to business; no slanders were whispered against the +heads of the establishment--but over them I pass: I can afford, sir, to +pass them by--no worldly conversation or foul jesting disturbed the +attention of these gentlemen, or desecrated the peaceful scene of their +labours. You found Christians and gentlemen, sir!" + +"I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. "Didn't my governor +take sha-?" + +"Silence, sir! Your worthy father did take shares in this establishment, +which will yield him one day an immense profit. He _did_ take shares, +sir, or you never would have been here. I glory in saying that every one +of my young friends around me has a father, a brother, a dear relative or +friend, who is connected in a similar way with our glorious enterprise; +and that not one of them is there but has an interest in procuring, at a +liberal commission, other persons to join the ranks of our Association. +_But_, sir, I am its chief. You will find, sir, your appointment signed +by me; and in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, +sir!--leave us--quit a family that can no longer receive you in its +bosom! Mr. Swinney, I have wept--I have prayed, sir, before I came to +this determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. _Depart +from out of us_! + +"Not without three months' salary, though, Mr. B.: that cock won't +fight!" + +"They shall be paid to your father, sir." + +"My father be hanged! I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age; and if you +don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest you,--by Jingo, I will! I'll have +you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney!" + +"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of this +perverted young man." + +"Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp!" cried out +that audacious Swinney. "There it is, sir, _re_-ceipted. You needn't +cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like a glass of punch +this evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your man, and nothing to +pay. If Mr. Brough _would_ do me the honour to come in and take a whack? +Come, don't say no, if you'd rather not!" + +We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing like mad. + +"Leave the room!" yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite blue; +and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled away with his +"tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When he was gone, Mr. +Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all determined to profit; and +going up to Roundhand's desk put his arm round his neck, and looked over +the ledger. + +"What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand?" he said, in a very kind +way. + +"The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four ten and +six--say 904_l_. 10_s_. 6_d_. Captain Sparr, sir, paid his shares up; +grumbles, though, and says he's no more: fifty shares, two +instalments--three fifties, sir." + +"He's always grumbling!" + +"He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our dividend +day." + +"Any more?" + +Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen hundred +pounds in all. We were doing a famous business now; though when I came +into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, and read the +newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a stray customer +came. Brough never cared about our laughing and singing _then_, and was +hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was in early times, before we +were well in harness. + +"Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. Bravo, +Roundhand--bravo, gentlemen! Remember, every share you bring in brings +you five per cent. down on the nail! Look to your friends--stick to your +desks--be regular--I hope none of you forget church. Who takes Mr. +Swinney's place?" + +"Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir: you are now +twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is consequently +increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy mother, sir--your dear +and excellent parent? In good health I trust? And long--long, I +fervently pray, may this office continue to pay her annuity! Remember, +if she has more money to lay out, there is higher interest than the last +for her, for she is a year older; and five per cent. for you, my boy! Why +not you as well as another? Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound +note does no harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego?" + +"Oh, no!" says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap that +informed against Swinney; and he began to laugh, as indeed we all did +whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not that they _were_ +jokes; only we used to know it by his face. + +"Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business. Mrs. +Brough wants to know why the deuce you never come down to Fulham." + +"Law, that's very polite!" said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased. + +"Name your day, my boy! Say Saturday, and bring your night-cap with +you." + +"You're very polite, I'm sure. I should be delighted beyond anything, +but--" + +"But--no buts, my boy! Hark ye! the Chancellor of the Exchequer does me +the honour to dine with us, and I want you to see him; for the truth is, +I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best actuary in the three +kingdoms." + +Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as _that_, though he had +told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and Sunday at +Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, were sure that +the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady when she heard what +was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough very much, that was the fact; +because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said she didn't know where +Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs. Roundhand. Though, to be +sure, her coachman might have found out the way. + +"And oh, Roundhand!" continued our governor, "draw a cheque for seven +hundred, will you! Come, don't stare, man; I'm not going to run away! +That's right,--seven hundred--and ninety, say, while you're about it! Our +board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll account for it to them +before I drive you down. We shall take up the Chancellor at Whitehall." + +So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with Mr. +Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-and-four (he always drove +four horses even in the City, where it's so difficult), which was waiting +at the office-door for him. + +Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the Company; +but there was never believing half of what that Bob said, he used to +laugh and joke so. I don't know how it was, but I and a gent by the name +of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together with me in Salisbury +Square, Fleet Street--where we occupied a very genteel two-pair--found +our flute duet rather tiresome that evening, and as it was a very fine +night, strolled out for a walk West End way. When we arrived opposite +Covent Garden Theatre we found ourselves close to the "Globe Tavern," and +recollected Bob Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied that +he had meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look +in: at any rate there could be no harm in doing so. + +There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would be, +we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a great smoke of +cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and banging away at the table +with the bottoms of their glasses. + +What a shout they made as we came in! "Hurray!" says Bob, "here's two +more! Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, two more hot waters, and +two more goes of gin! Who would have thought of seeing Tit, in the name +of goodness?" + +"Why," said I, "we only came in by the merest chance." + +At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a positive +fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by chance! However, +chance gave us a very jovial night; and that hospitable Bob Swinney paid +every shilling of the score. + +"Gentlemen!" says he, as he paid the bill, "I'll give you the health of +John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present of 21_l_. 5_s_. +which he made me this morning. What do I say--21_l_. 5_s_.? That and a +month's salary that I should have had to pay--forfeit--down on the nail, +by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I intended to do to-morrow morning. +I've got a place--a tip-top place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six +journeys a year, my own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of +England in oil and spermaceti. Here's confusion to gas, and the health +of Messrs. Gann and Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London!" + +I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex Insurance +Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though the real names +are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, as you may be sure), +because the fate of me and my diamond pin was mysteriously bound up with +both: as I am about to show. + +You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the West +Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of them; had +received a classical education; and especially because I had a rich aunt, +Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I used to boast a good +deal. There is no harm in being respected in this world, as I have found +out; and if you don't brag a little for yourself, depend on it there is +no person of your acquaintance who will tell the world of your merits, +and take the trouble off your hands. + +So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and took +my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that looks into +Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that Mrs. Hoggarty, +though she had not given me a large sum of money, as I expected--indeed, +I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the river, should the +promised riches have come to me--I let them know, I say, that though my +aunt had not given me any money, she had given me a splendid diamond, +worth at least thirty guineas, and that some day I would sport it at the +shop. + +"Oh, let's see it!" says Abednego, whose father was a mock-jewel and gold- +lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised that he should have a sight +of it as soon as it was set. As my pocket-money was run out too (by +coach-hire to and from home, five shillings to our maid at home, ten to +my aunt's maid and man, five-and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I +said, and fifteen-and-six paid for a silver scissors for the dear little +fingers of Somebody), Roundhand, who was very good-natured, asked me to +dine, and advanced me 7_l_. 1_s_. 8_d_., a month's salary. It was at +Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of veal +and bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his wife ill- +treated him; as I have told before. Poor fellow!--we under-clerks all +thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by oneself, and have 50_l_. +per month, as Roundhand had; but I've a notion that Hoskins and I, +blowing duets on the flute together in our second floor in Salisbury +Square, were a great deal more at ease than our head--and more _in +harmony_, too; though we made sad work of the music, certainly. + +One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at three +o'clock, as we had _particular business_ at the West End. He knew it was +about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us permission; so off we set. +When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus got a cigar, to give himself as it +were a _distingue_ air, and pulled at it all the way up the Lane, and +through the alleys into Coventry Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is, as +everybody knows. + +The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were drawing +up and setting down. Gus kept his hands in his pockets--trousers were +worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon-holes for your boots, +or Bluchers, to come through (the fashionables wore boots, but we chaps +in the City, on 80_l_. a year, contented ourselves with Bluchers); and as +Gus stretched out his pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and +kept blowing away at his cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his +boots, and had very large whiskers for so young a man, he really looked +quite the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of +consideration. + +He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the gold +pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in; and after a little +hemming and hawing--for I had never been at such a fashionable place +before--asked one of the gentlemen to let me speak to Mr. Polonius. + +"What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing close +by, as it happened, serving three ladies,--a very old one and two young +ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very attentively. + +"Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, "this jewel has, +I believe, been in your house before: it belonged to my aunt, Mrs. +Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing near looked round +as I spoke. + +"I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year 1795," said +Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect everything; "and a silver +punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the Major--Colonel--General--eh, +sir?" + +"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say"--though I was quite proud that +this man of fashion should address me so.--"Mr. Hoggarty is--no more. My +aunt has made me a present, however, of this--this trinket--which, as you +see, contains her husband's portrait, that I will thank you, sir, to +preserve for me very carefully; and she wishes that you would set this +diamond neatly." + +"Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir." + +"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her. There +is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, of course, you will +make an allowance." + +"To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, and +looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful piece of goods, certainly," said +he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit, certainly. Do, my Lady, +look at it. The thing is of Irish manufacture, bears the stamp of '95, +and will recall perhaps the times of your Ladyship's earliest youth." + +"Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!" said the old lady, a little wizen-faced old +lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. "How _dar_ +you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me? Wasn't I fifty +years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96?" She put out a pair of +withered trembling hands, took up the locket, examined it for a minute, +and then burst out laughing: "As I live, it's the great Hoggarty +diamond!" + +Good heavens! what was this talisman that had come into my possession? + +"Look, girls," continued the old lady: "this is the great jew'l of all +Ireland. This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick Hoggarty, a +cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year '84, when I had just +lost your poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen sthreamers of red hair +represent his thirteen celebrated sisters,--Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy +(short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy, Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, +Nell, and Bell--all married, all ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of +which are you the son, young man?--though, to do you justice, you're not +like the family." + +Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at me, and +waited for an answer: which they would have had, only the old lady began +rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen ladies above named, and +all their lovers, all their disappointments, and all the duels of Mick +Hoggarty. She was a chronicle of fifty-years-old scandal. At last she +was interrupted by a violent fit of coughing; at the conclusion of which +Mr. Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin, and +whether I would like the hair kept. + +"No," says I, "never mind the hair." + +"And the pin, sir?" + +I had felt ashamed about telling my address: "But, bang it!" thought I, +"why _should_ I?-- + + 'A king can make a belted knight, + A marquess, duke, and a' that; + An honest man's abune his might-- + Gude faith, he canna fa' that.' + +Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live?" + +"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to Mr. +Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near St. Bride's Church, +Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the two-pair bell." + +"_What_, sir?" said Mr. Polonius. + +"_Hwat_!" shrieked the old lady. "Mr. Hwat? Mais, ma chere, c'est +impayable. Come along--here's the carr'age! Give me your arm, Mr. Hwat, +and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts." + +She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as possible; +the young ladies following her, laughing. + +"Now, jump in, do you hear?" said she, poking her sharp nose out of the +window. + +"I can't, ma'am," says I; "I have a friend." + +"Pooh, pooh! send 'um to the juice, and jump in!" And before almost I +could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow-plush breeches pushed +me up the steps and banged the door to. + +I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, and +never shall forget his figure. There stood Gus, his mouth wide open, his +eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering with all his might +at the strange thing that had just happened to me. + +"Who _is_ that Titmarsh?" says Gus: "there's a coronet on the carriage, +by Jingo!" + + + + +CHAPTER III + + +HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT CHARIOT, +AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK + +I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young lady, +about my dear Mary's age--that is to say, seventeen and three-quarters; +and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other +grand-daughter--handsome too, but ten years older. I recollect I had on +that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a white sprig +waist-coat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just come in in the +year '22, and looked a great deal more glossy than the best beaver. + +"And who was that hidjus manster"--that was the way her Ladyship +pronounced,--"that ojous vulgar wretch, with the iron heels to his boots, +and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck-chain, who _steered_ at +us so as we got into the carriage?" + +How she should have known that Gus's chain was mosaic I can't tell; but +so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and sixpence only the +week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's Churchyard. But I did not like +to hear my friend abused, and so spoke out for him-- + +"Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins. We +live together; and a better or more kind-hearted fellow does not exist." + +"You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the second +lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom the grandmamma +called Lady Jene. + +"Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like sper't in +a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it? I know, my dears, all the +Hoskinses in England. There are the Lincolnshire Hoskinses, the +Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral's daughter, Bell, was in love +with a black footman, or boatswain, or some such thing; but the world's +so censorious. There's old Doctor Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor +dear Drum in the quinsy; and poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty +General: I remember him as thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active +as a harlequin, and in love with me--oh, how he was in love with me!" + +"You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, Grandmamma?" said +Lady Jane. + +"Hundreds, my dear,--hundreds of thousands. I was the toast of Bath, and +a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought it now, upon your +conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d'ye-call-'im?" + +"Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was as ugly +as possible; and at my saying this the two young ladies began screaming +with laughter, and I saw the two great-whiskered footmen grinning over +the back of the carriage. + +"Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name--mighty candid +indeed; but I like candour in young people. But a beauty I was. Just +ask your friend's uncle the General. He's one of the Lincolnshire +Hoskinses--I knew he was by the strong family likeness. Is he the eldest +son? It's a pretty property, though sadly encumbered; for old Sir George +was the divvle of a man--a friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and +those horrid, monstrous, ojous people! How much will he have now, +mister, when the Admiral dies?" + +"Why, ma'am, I can't say; but the Admiral is not my friend's father." + +"Not his father?--but he _is_, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. Who is +his father, then?" + +"Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow Hill,--a +very respectable house, ma'am. But Gus is only third son, and so can't +expect a great share in the property." + +The two young ladies smiled at this--the old lady said, "Hwat?" + +"I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, "for not being ashamed of your +friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall we have the pleasure +of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +"Noways particular, my Lady," says I. "We have a holiday at our office +to-day--at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave; and I shall be very +happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's no offence." + +"I'm sure it will give us--infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane; though +rather in a grave way. + +"Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: "won't it, +Grandmamma? And after we have been in the Park, we can walk in +Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to accompany us." + +"Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane. + +"Indeed, but we will though!" shrieked out Lady Drum. "Ain't I dying to +know everything about his uncle and thirteen aunts? and you're all +chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed syllable will you +allow me or my young friend here to speak." + +Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single word +more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I may be allowed +so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, and giggled, and +seemed quite to enjoy her sister's ill-humour. And the Countess began at +once, and entered into the history of the thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which +was not near finished when we entered the Park. + +When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horseback came to +the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their joke for Lady +Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow for Lady Jane; +and, the young ones especially, their compliment for Lady Fanny. + +Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny seemed +to be thinking of something else; for she kept her head out of the +carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she expected to see +somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, _I_ knew what it meant when a young pretty +lady like you was absent, and on the look-out, and only half answered the +questions put to her. Let alone Sam Titmarsh--he knows what Somebody +means as well as another, I warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going on, +I could not help just giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I +knew what was what. "I guess the young lady is looking for Somebody," +says I. It was then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she +blushed as red as scarlet; but, after a minute, the good-natured little +thing looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their +handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughing--laughing as if I had +said the funniest thing in the world. + +"Il est charmant, votre monsieur," said Lady Jane to her grandmamma; and +on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous me faites beaucoup d'honneur:" +for I know the French language, and was pleased to find that these good +ladies had taken a liking to me. "I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used +to London society, and do really feel it quite kind of you to take me by +the hand so, and give me a drive in your fine carriage." + +At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a tuft +to his chin, came riding up to the carriage; and I knew by a little start +that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking round the other way, +that _Somebody_ was come at last. + +"Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant! I have just been +riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love of the beautiful +Countess of Drum in the year--never mind the year." + +"Was it Killblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm quite +ready to go off with him this minute. Or was it that delight of an old +bishop? He's got a lock of my hair now--I gave it him when he was Papa's +chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard matter to find another +now in the same place." + +"Law, my Lady!" says I, "you don't say so?" + +"But indeed I do, my good sir," says she; "for between ourselves, my +head's as bare as a cannon-ball--ask Fanny if it isn't. Such a fright as +the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me suddenly in my +dressing-room without my wig!" + +"I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said "Somebody," +looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a mind to swallow me. +And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was, "Pretty +well, I thank you, my Lord;" and she said this with as much fluttering +and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at school--when we hadn't +learned it. + +My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered something +about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's carriage, as he was +tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered something, too, about "a +friend of Grandmamma's." + +"You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane: "I am sure we +should never have come to the Park if Fanny had not insisted upon +bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce the Earl of Tiptoff to +Mr. Titmarsh." But, instead of taking off his hat, as I did mine, his +Lordship growled out that he hoped for another opportunity, and galloped +off again on his black horse. Why the deuce I should have offended him I +never could understand. + +But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; for +who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund Preston, one +of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I know very well by the almanac +in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane. + +The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat pale- +faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air. "Who the +devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both at me and her. + +"Oh, it's a friend of Grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at once, +looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at her sister--who in +her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked imploringly at her sister, +and never dared to breathe a syllable. "Yes, indeed," continued Lady +Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of Grandmamma's by the mother's side: by +the Hoggarty side. Didn't you know the Hoggarties when you were in +Ireland, Edmund, with Lord Bagwig? Let me introduce you to Grandmamma's +cousin, Mr. Titmarsh: Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston." + +There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as hard +as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice; and I, who +had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded as could be. But +I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well as that sly minx her +grand-daughter did; for the old lady, who had just before called poor Gus +Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, the mania of fancying all the world +related to her, and said-- + +"Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty's +grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer were related, +as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady, married an own +cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift--that was no relation of the +Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family--and isn't _that_ clear?" + +"Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the right +honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly. + +"And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?--the thirteen red-haired +girls--the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy used to call them. +Poor Clan!--a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and sadly in love +with me he was too. Not remember them _all_ now, Edmund?--not +remember?--not remember Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and Widdy, and Mysie +and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly and the rest?" + +"D--- the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent; and he +said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden lash out that +well nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane screamed; Lady Fanny +laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she did not care twopence, and said +"Serve you right for swearing, you ojous man you!" + +"Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund--Mr. Preston?" cried +out the lady, anxiously. + +"Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I. + +"Pooh--pooh! don't stir," said Lady Drum: "it's my carriage; and if Mr. +Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous vulgar +way--in that ojous vulgar way I repeat--I don't see why my friends should +be inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky if he likes, or come +in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear that my Lady Drum hated her +grandson-in-law heartily; and I've remarked somehow in families that this +kind of hatred is by no means uncommon. + +Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to tell the +truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to get away from +the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked still paler than +before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he dismounted from the cob +and gave the reins to his servant. I disliked the looks of the chap--of +the master, I mean--at the first moment he came up, when he spoke rudely +to that nice gentle wife of his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, +as the adventure of the cob showed him to be. Heaven bless you! a baby +could have ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at +the very first kick. + +"Oh, quick! _do_ come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the +carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he came in, +he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I warrant you I +wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue cried out, "Oh, no! by +no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door, Thomas. And oh! what fun it will +be to show all the world a Secretary of State riding bodkin!" + +And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you! + +"Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady Jane, +timidly. + +"Oh no! Pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very comfortable; and +so I hope is this Mr.--this gentleman." + +"Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to offer to ride your +horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at it; but the +fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I _couldn't_ move." + +Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!--how her little eyes +twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up! I couldn't help +speaking, for, look you, my blood was up. + +"We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says she; +and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, and sneezed +with the air of a lord. + +"As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane +Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner?" says Mr. Preston, +quite blue with rage. + +"I invited him into my carriage," says the old lady; "and as we are going +to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be very happy +to see him there." + +"I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I. + +"Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says Right Honourable Ned, still glowering at +his wife. "What a pity that this gentleman--I forget his name--that your +friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! I am sure you would have had such +gratification in meeting your relation in Whitehall." + +Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure; but this +speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much. "Now, Sam," says +I, "be a man and show your spirit!" So I spoke up at once, and said, +"Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so _very_ pressing, I'll +give up my engagement, and shall have sincere pleasure in cutting mutton +with him. What's your hour, sir?" + +He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; for, you see, +I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a lesson of +manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear people cry out how +vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask three times for cheese, and +such like points of ceremony, there's something, I think, much more +vulgar than all this, and that is, insolence to one's inferiors. I hate +the chap that uses it, as I scorn him of humble rank that affects to be +of the fashion; and so I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my +mind. + +When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as +politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking hold of +Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies and the two +big servants--upon my word I did--"Sir," says I, "this kind old lady +asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to please her, not myself. +When you came up and asked who the devil I was, I thought you might have +put the question in a more polite manner; but it wasn't my business to +speak. When, by way of a joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I +would answer in a joke too, and here I am. But don't be frightened; I'm +not a-going to dine with you: only if you play the same joke upon other +parties--on some of the chaps in our office, for example--I recommend you +to have a care, or they will _take you at your word_." + +"Is that all, sir?" says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. "If you have +done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you out? Turn +out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from me, and flung +into his study in a rage. + +"He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" said +Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder grand-daughter's arm, "and I hate +him; and so come away, for the dinner'll be getting cold:" and she was +for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado. But that kind lady, coming +forward, looking very pale and trembling, said, "Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope +you'll not be angry--that is, that you'll forget what has happened, for, +believe me, it has given me very great--" + +Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes filled +with tears; and Lady Drum crying out "Tut, tut! none of this nonsense," +pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. But little Lady Fanny +walked boldly up to me, and held me out her little hand, and gave mine +such a squeeze and said, "Good-bye, my dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very +kindly, that I'm blest if I did not blush up to the ears, and all the +blood in my body began to tingle. + +So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out of the +hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a lion; and all +I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning footmen should say or +do something to me that was the least uncivil, so that I might have the +pleasure of knocking him down, with my best compliments to his master. +But neither of them did me any such favour! and I went away and dined at +home off boiled mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully. + +I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, is +rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the particulars of the +family quarrel of which I had been the cause and witness, and so just +said that the old lady--("They were the Drum arms," says Gus; "for I went +and looked them out that minute in the 'Peerage'")--that the old lady +turned out to be a cousin of mine, and that she had taken me to drive in +the Park. Next day we went to the office as usual, when you may be sure +that Hoskins told everything of what had happened, and a great deal more; +and somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the matter, +I must confess that I _was_ rather pleased that the gents in our office +should hear of a part of my adventure. + +But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. Stokes +the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master Bob Stokes her +son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing marbles on St. +Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square),--when I found them all bustling +and tumbling up the steps before me to our rooms on the second floor, and +there, on the table, between our two flutes on one side, my album, Gus's +"Don Juan" and "Peerage" on the other, I saw as follows:-- + +1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my dear +Mary Smith. + +2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes. + +3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs. Stokes +said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw. + +And three cards--viz. + +DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM. +LADY FANNY RAKES. + +MR. PRESTON. +LADY JANE PRESTON. + +EARL OF TIPTOFF. + +"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor thing +spoke). "Sich a carriage--all over coronites! sich liveries--two great +footmen, with red whiskers and yellow-plush small-clothes; and inside, a +very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a young one with a great +Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great tall pale gentleman with a tuft +on his chin. + +"'Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, with +her clear voice. + +"'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the office--the West Diddlesex Fire +and Life Office, Cornhill.' + +"'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn. + +"'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a +newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets of +fruit besides. + +"'Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, 'to take these things to Mr. +Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's compliments, and +request his acceptance of them;' and then he pulled out the cards on your +table, and this letter, sealed with his Lordship's own crown." + +And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to this +day, by the way, and which runs thus:-- + + "The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to + express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able + yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's company. Lady Jane + is about to leave town immediately: she will therefore be unable to + receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season. But Lord Tiptoff + trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to accept some of the + produce of her Ladyship's garden and park; with which, perhaps, he + will entertain some of those friends in whose favour he knows so well + how to speak." + +Along with this was a little note, containing the words "Lady Drum at +home. Friday evening, June 17." And all this came to me because my aunt +Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin! + +I did not send back the venison: as why should I? Gus was for sending it +at once to Brough, our director; and the grapes and peaches to my aunt in +Somersetshire. + +"But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and half-a-dozen more of our +gents; and we'll have a merry night of it on Saturday." And a merry +night we had too; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we had plenty of +ale, and gin-punch afterwards. And Gus sat at the foot of the table, and +I at the head; and we sang songs, both comic and sentimental, and drank +toasts; and I made a speech that there is no possibility of mentioning +here, because, _entre nous_, I had quite forgotten in the morning +everything that had taken place after a certain period on the night +before. + + + + +CHAPTER IV + + +HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-WEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE + +I did not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on +Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let Hoskins have +the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place,--for we all +have our little vanities, and I liked to be thought well of by my +companions. + +When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in which the +chaps looked at me; especially Abednego, who offered me a pinch out of +his gold snuff-box the very first thing. Roundhand shook me, too, warmly +by the hand, when he came round to look over my day-book, said I wrote a +capital hand (and indeed I believe I do, without any sort of flattery), +and invited me for dinner next Sunday, in Myddelton Square. "You won't +have," said he, "quite such a grand turn-out as with _your friends at the +West End_"--he said this with a particular accent--"but Amelia and I are +always happy to see a friend in our plain way,--pale sherry, old port, +and cut and come again. Hey?" + +I said I would come and bring Hoskins too. + +He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very happy to +see Hoskins; and we went accordingly at the appointed day and hour; but +though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I remarked that at dinner I +was helped first and best. I had twice as many force-meat balls as +Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty nearly all the oysters out of the +sauce-boat. Once, Roundhand was going to help Gus before me; when his +wife, who was seated at the head of the table, looking very big and +fierce in red crape and a turban, shouted out, "ANTONY!" and poor R. +dropped the plate, and blushed as red as anything. How Mrs. R. did talk +to me about the West End to be sure! She had a "Peerage," as you may be +certain, and knew everything about the Drum family in a manner that quite +astonished me. She asked me how much Lord Drum had a year; whether I +thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty thousand a +year; whether I was invited to Drum Castle; what the young ladies wore, +and if they had those odious _gigot_ sleeves which were just coming in +then; and here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of large mottled arms that she +was very proud of. + +"I say, Sam my boy!" cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. Roundhand, who +had been passing the port-wine round pretty freely, "I hope you looked to +the main chance, and put in a few shares of the West Diddlesex,--hey?" + +"Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs?" cries the +lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation. + +"No, Milly, I've emptied 'em," says R. + +"Don't Milly me, sir! and have the goodness to go down and tell Lancy my +maid" (_a look at me_) "to make the tea in the study. We have a +gentleman here who is not _used_ to Pentonville ways" (_another look_); +"but he won't mind the ways of _friends_." And here Mrs. Roundhand +heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look that was so severe, +that I declare to goodness it made me look quite foolish. As to Gus, she +never so much as spoke to him all the evening; but he consoled himself +with a great lot of muffins, and sat most of the evening (it was a cruel +hot summer) whistling and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I +think I should like to have been with them,--for it was very close in the +room with that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on the +sofa. + +"Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?" I heard +Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the girls +coming home from church. "You and me with our coats off, plenty of cold +rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a whole box of Manillas?" + +"Hush!" said Roundhand, quite eagerly; "Milly will hear." + +But Milly didn't hear: for she was occupied in telling me an immense long +story about her waltzing with the Count de Schloppenzollern at the City +ball to the Allied Sovereigns; and how the Count had great large white +moustaches; and how odd she thought it to go whirling round the room with +a great man's arm round your waist. "Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it +since our marriage--never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a +proper compliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young +ladies, of the best families in the City of London, I assure you, Mr. +Titmarsh--there was the Lord Mayor's own daughters; Alderman Dobbins's +gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great house in Baker +Street; and your humble servant, who was rather slimmer in those +days--twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on purpose, and practised +waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall at the Mansion House. He was a +splendid man, that Count Schloppenzollern!" + +"I am sure, ma'am," says I, "he had a splendid partner!" and blushed up +to my eyes when I said it. + +"Get away, you naughty creature!" says Mrs. Roundhand, giving me a great +slap: "you're all the same, you men in the West End--all deceivers. The +Count was just like you. Heigho! Before you marry, it's all honey and +compliments; when you win us, it's all coldness and indifference. Look +at Roundhand, the great baby, trying to beat down a butterfly with his +yellow bandanna! Can a man like _that_ comprehend me? can he fill the +void in my heart?" (She pronounced it without the h; but that there +should be no mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.) "Ah, no! Will +_you_ be so neglectful when _you_ marry, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, and I +fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, walking home +to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the bells were chiming +and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, and the river shining in +the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and silver. There was my dear Mary a +hundred and twenty miles off, in Somersetshire, walking home from church +along with Mr. Snorter's family, with which she came and went; and I was +listening to the talk of this great leering vulgar woman. + +I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you have +heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my chest, I tore +my fingers with the point of my new DIAMOND-PIN. Mr. Polonius had sent +it home the night before, and I sported it for the first time at +Roundhand's to dinner. + +"It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand. "I have been looking at +it all dinner-time. How rich you must be to wear such splendid things! +and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the City--you who have such +great acquaintances at the West End?" + +The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off the +sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word,--ay, and half +broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the gents in the +open air. "Gus," says I, "I feel very unwell: I wish you'd come home +with me." And Gus did not desire anything better; for he had ogled the +last girl out of the last church, and the night was beginning to fall. + +"What! already?" said Mrs. Roundhand; "there is a lobster coming up,--a +trifling refreshment; not what he's accustomed to, but--" + +I am sorry to say I nearly said, "D--- the lobster!" as Roundhand went +and whispered to her that I was ill. + +"Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing. "Recollect, Mrs. R., that he was +_at the West End_ on Thursday, asked to dine, ma'am, with the tip-top +nobs. Chaps don't dine at the West End for nothing, do they, R.? If you +play at _bowls_, you know--" + +"You must look out for _rubbers_," said Roundhand, as quick as thought. + +"Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R., looking very fierce and +angry. "Not a card shall be touched here. Are we in a Protestant land, +sir? in a Christian country?" + +"My dear, you don't understand. We were not talking of rubbers of +whist." + +"There shall be _no_ game at all in the house of a Sabbath eve," said +Mrs. Roundhand; and out she flounced from the room, without ever so much +as wishing us good-night. + +"Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened,--"do stay. She +won't come back while you're here; and I do wish you'd stay so." + +But we wouldn't: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave Gus a +lecture about spending his Sundays idly; and read out one of Blair's +sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over in bed, I could not help +thinking about the luck the pin had brought me; and it was not over yet, +as you will see in the next chapter. + + + + +CHAPTER V + + +HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE + +To tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it almost +the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure you it was by no means +the last thing in my thoughts. It had come home from Mr. Polonius's, as +I said, on Saturday night; and Gus and I happened to be out enjoying +ourselves, half-price, at Sadler's Wells; and perhaps we took a little +refreshment on our way back: but that has nothing to do with my story. + +On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's; and when I +took it out,--_my_, how the diamond did twinkle and glitter by the light +of our one candle! + +"I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus. "I've read +they do in--in history." + +It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the "Arabian Nights," +as I knew very well. But we put the candle out, nevertheless, to try. + +"Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place!" says Gus; +but the fact was, that there was a gas-lamp opposite our window, and I +believe that was the reason why we could see pretty well. At least in my +bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without a candle, and of which the +window looked out on a dead wall, I could not see a wink, in spite of the +Hoggarty diamond, and was obliged to grope about in the dark for a +pincushion which Somebody gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary +Smith), and in which I stuck it for the night. But, somehow, I did not +sleep much for thinking of it, and woke very early in the morning; and, +if the truth must be told, stuck it in my night-gown, like a fool, and +admired myself very much in the glass. + +Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and especially +since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, he thought I was the +finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his "West End friend" +everywhere. + +As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black satin stock +to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the frill of my best shirt, +which tore the muslin sadly, by the way. However, the diamond had its +effect on my entertainers, as we have seen; rather too much perhaps on +one of them; and next day I wore it down at the office, as Gus would make +me do; though it did not look near so well in the second day's shirt as +on the first day, when the linen was quite clear and bright with +Somersetshire washing. + +The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that +snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth clerk,--out of envy because I did +not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carum-gorum, or some such +thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, as he called it,--all except +M'Whirter, I say, were delighted with it; and Abednego himself, who ought +to know, as his father was in the line, told me the jewel was worth at +least ten poundsh, and that his governor would give me as much for it. + +"That's a proof," says Roundhand, "that Tit's diamond is worth at least +thirty." And we all laughed, and agreed it was. + +Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag paid +me, turned my head a little; and as all the chaps said I _must_ have a +black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to buy a stock +that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's in Piccadilly: for +Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, and have none of our +cheap and common East End stuff. I might have had one for sixteen and +six in Cheapside, every whit as good; but when a young lad becomes vain, +and wants to be fashionable, you see he can't help being extravagant. + +Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of venison +business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right Honourable +Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was her Ladyship's +first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me, and no worse than +before. + +Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for Rottenburgh; and +being considered one of the richest men in the City of London, used to +receive all the great people of the land at his villa at Fulham; and we +often read in the papers of the rare doings going on there. + +Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely with +making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a haunch of +venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at Roundhand's above +described, my diamond had other honours in store for me, and procured me +the honour of an invitation to the house of our director, Mr. Brough. + +Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his house +at Fulham; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought back by one +or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of the most +magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw Members of +Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and ladies without end. +There was everything and everybody of the tip-top sort; and I have heard +that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, supplied the ices, supper, and +footmen,--though of the latter Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to +serve the host of people who came to him. The party, it must be +remembered, was _Mrs_. Brough's party, not the gentleman's,--he being in +the Dissenting way, would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the +kind: but he told his City friends that his lady governed him in +everything; and it was generally observed that most of them would allow +their daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the immense +number of the nobility which our director assembled together: Mrs. +Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one of her ears to go; but, +as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her. + +Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother of an +East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited, as we knew +very well: for they had received their invitations many weeks before, and +bragged about them not a little. But two days before the ball, and after +my diamond-pin had had its due effect upon the gents at the office, +Abednego, who had been in the directors' room, came to my desk with a +great smirk, and said, "Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come +down with Roundhand to the ball on Thursday." I thought Moses was +joking,--at any rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one; for people +don't usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way; +but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and confirmed it, +saying, as he was going out of the office, "Mr. Titmarsh, you will come +down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough's party, where you will see some +relations of yours." + +"West End again!" says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly down I went, +taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself, Gutch, and me, +and for which he very generously paid eight shillings. + +There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps in +the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that came in at +the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor the ices, +fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within. The whole +description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, by a reporter +who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the way, and told it in +his journal in the most accurate manner; getting an account of the +dresses of the great people from their footmen and coachmen, when they +came to the alehouse for their porter. As for the names of the guests, +they, you may be sure, found their way to the same newspaper: and a great +laugh was had at my expense, because among the titles of the great people +mentioned my name appeared in the list of the "Honourables." Next day, +Brough advertised "a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an emerald +necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at Fulham;" though some +of our people said that no such thing was lost at all, and that Brough +only wanted to advertise the magnificence of his society; but this doubt +was raised by persons not invited, and envious no doubt. + +Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in my best +clothes, viz. my blue coat and brass buttons before mentioned, nankeen +trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, and a pair of white +gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat was of country make, very +high in the waist and short in the sleeves, and I suppose must have +looked rather odd to some of the great people assembled, for they stared +at me a great deal, and a whole crowd formed to see me dance--which I did +to the best of my power, performing all the steps accurately and with +great agility, as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country. + +And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? With no less a +person than Lady Jane Preston; who, it appears, had not gone out of town, +and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, and asked me to +dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady Fanny Rakes for our vis- +a-vis. + +You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and admired my +dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite different to the +rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who walked through the +quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and stared at my activity with +all their might. But when I have a dance I like to enjoy myself: and +Mary Smith often said I was the very best partner at our assemblies. +While we were dancing, I told Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I, had +come down three in a cab, besides the driver; and my account of our +adventures made her Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me +that I didn't go back in the same vehicle; for the driver went and +intoxicated himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head +clerk as he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch afterwards +and blacked his eye, because he said that Gutch's red waistcoat +frightened the horse. + +Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for she +said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I would +accept it; and positively, at two o'clock in the morning, there was I, +after setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to Salisbury Square in +a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps and two tall footmen, who +nearly knocked the door and the whole little street down with the noise +they made at the rapper. You should have seen Gus's head peeping out of +window in his white nightcap! He kept me up the whole night telling him +about the ball, and the great people I had seen there; and next day he +told at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries upon them. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great fat +curious man, the master of the house? Do you know he asked me if you +were not related to us? and I said, 'Oh, yes, you were.'" + +"Fanny!" says Lady Jane. + +"Well," answered the other, "did not Grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh was her +cousin?" + +"But you know that Grandmamma's memory is not very good." + +"Indeed, you're wrong, Lady Jane," says my Lord; "I think it's +prodigious." + +"Yes, but not very--not very accurate." + +"No, my Lady," says I; "for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum, said, if +you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins--" + +"Whose cause you supported so bravely," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot be, for +I know all his family: they live in Skinner Street and St. Mary Axe, and +are not--not quite so _respectable_ as _my_ relatives." + +At this they all began to laugh; and my Lord said, rather haughtily-- + +"Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your cousin than +she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson." + +"Hoskins, my Lord--and so I told Gus; but you see he is very fond of me, +and _will_ have it that I am related to Lady D.: and say what I will to +the contrary, tells the story everywhere. Though to be sure," added I +with a laugh, "it has gained me no small good in my time." So I +described to the party our dinner at Mrs. Roundhand's, which all came +from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as a connection of the +aristocracy. Then I thanked Lady Jane handsomely for her magnificent +present of fruit and venison, and told her that it had entertained a +great number of kind friends of mine, who had drunk her Ladyship's health +with the greatest gratitude. + +"_A haunch of venison_!" cried Lady Jane, quite astonished; "indeed, Mr. +Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you." + +As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and turning +her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff. + +"Why, Lady Jane," said he, "if the truth must out, the great haunch of +venison trick was one of this young lady's performing. You must know +that I had received the above-named haunch from Lord Guttlebury's park: +and knowing that Preston is not averse to Guttlebury venison, was telling +Lady Drum (in whose carriage I had a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was +not in the way), that I intended the haunch for your husband's table. +Whereupon my Lady Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and +vowed that the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a +gentleman about whose adventures on the day previous we had just been +talking--to Mr. Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny vowed, had used +most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation was due. So my Lady +Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my rooms in the Albany (you +know I am only to stay in my bachelor's quarters a month longer)--" + +"Nonsense!" says Lady Fanny. + +"--Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, extracting +thence the above-named haunch--" + +"Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the City, +where the venison was left, in company with a couple of baskets of fruit +bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself." + +"And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made Grandmamma go into Fr--into +Lord Tiptoff's rooms, and dictated out of my own mouth the letter which +he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his hideous old +housekeeper brought us--I am quite jealous of her--I pinned up the haunch +of venison in a copy of the John Bull newspaper." + +It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus and I +read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed ourselves with +laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and good-natured +Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped I would too: which +I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose to repeat the offence. + +I never had any more venison from the family; but I'll tell you _what_ I +had. About a month after came a card of "Lord and Lady Tiptoff," and a +great piece of plum-cake; of which, I am sorry to say, Gus ate a great +deal too much. + + + + +CHAPTER VI + + +OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND HAD +THERE + +Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after Mrs. +Brough's grand party, our director called me up to his room at the West +Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking awhile about +business, said, "That's a very fine diamond-pin, Master Titmarsh" (he +spoke in a grave patronising way), "and I called you on purpose to speak +to you upon the subject. I do not object to seeing the young men of this +establishment well and handsomely dressed; but I know that their salaries +cannot afford ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you with a thing +of such value. You have paid for it, sir,--I trust you have paid for it; +for, of all things, my dear--dear young friend, beware of debt." + +I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about debt +and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had been asking +about it already, and how I came by it--Abednego told me so. "Why, sir," +says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told you that I had told him--" + +"Oh, ay-by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh--I do recollect--yes; +though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I have other more important +things to remember." + +"Oh, sir, in course," says I. + +"That one of the clerks _did_ say something about a pin--that one of the +other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, was it?" + +"It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty," +said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud of Castle Hoggarty. + +"She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh?" + +"Why, thank you, sir," says I, "she is pretty well off. Four hundred a +year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir; three houses at Squashtail; and +three thousand two hundred loose cash at the banker's, as I happen to +know, sir,--_that's all_." + +I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in +Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's agent in Ireland, wrote to say +that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just been paid +off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. Ireland was in a very +disturbed state in those days; and my aunt wisely determined not to +invest her money in that country any more, but to look out for some good +security in England. However, as she had always received six per cent. +in Ireland, she would not hear of a smaller interest; and had warned me, +as I was a commercial man, on coming to town, to look out for some means +by which she could invest her money at that rate at least. + +"And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so accurately?" +said Mr. Brough; upon which I told him. + +"Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West +Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as to the +manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her about the +Company which you have the honour to serve? Do you mean, sir, that you, +knowing there was a bonus of five per cent. for yourself upon shares +taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join us?" + +"Sir," says I, "I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from my own +relation." + +"Honest I know you are, my boy--give me your hand! So am I honest--so is +every man in this Company honest; but we must be prudent as well. We +have five millions of capital on our books, as you see--five _bona fide_ +millions of _bona fide_ sovereigns paid up, sir,--there is no dishonesty +there. But why should we not have twenty millions--a hundred millions? +Why should not this be the greatest commercial Association in the +world?--as it shall be, sir,--it shall, as sure as my name is John +Brough, if Heaven bless my honest endeavours to establish it! But do you +suppose that it can be so, unless every man among us use his utmost +exertions to forward the success of the enterprise? Never, sir,--never; +and, for me, I say so everywhere. I glory in what I do. There is not a +house in which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex. +There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to some +amount. My servants, sir,--my very servants and grooms, are bound up +with it. And the first question I ask of anyone who applies to me for a +place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in the West Diddlesex? the +second, Have you a good character? And if the first question is answered +in the negative, I say to the party coming to me, Then be a shareholder +before you ask for a place in my household. Did you not see me--me, John +Brough, whose name is good for millions--step out of my coach-and-four +into this office, with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr. +Roundhand as the price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate? +Did you remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound?" + +"Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy-three +ten and six--Thursday week," says I. + +"And why did I deduct that shilling, sir? Because it was _my +commission_--John Brough's commission; honestly earned by him, and openly +taken. Was there any disguise about it? No. Did I do it for the love +of a shilling? No," says Brough, laying his hand on his heart, "I did it +from _principle_,--from that motive which guides every one of my actions, +as I can look up to Heaven and say. I wish all my young men to see my +example, and follow it: I wish--I pray that they may. Think of that +example, sir. That porter of mine has a sick wife and nine young +children: he is himself a sick man, and his tenure of life is feeble; he +has earned money, sir, in my service--sixty pounds and more--it is all +his children have to look to--all: but for that, in the event of his +death, they would be houseless beggars in the street. And what have I +done for that family, sir? I have put that money out of the reach of +Robert Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his family +at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares in this office; and +Robert Gates, my lodge-porter, is a holder of three shares in the West +Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your master and mine. Do +you think I want to _cheat_ Gates?" + +"Oh, sir!" says I. + +"To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent children!--you +can't think so, sir; I should be a disgrace to human nature if I did. But +what boots all my energy and perseverance? What though I place my +friends' money, my family's money, my own money--my hopes, wishes, +desires, ambitions--all upon this enterprise? You young men will not do +so. You, whom I treat with love and confidence as my children, make no +return to me. When I toil, you remain still; when I struggle, you look +on. Say the word at once,--you doubt me! O heavens, that this should be +the reward of all my care and love for you!" + +Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, and I +confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which I had been +guilty. + +"Sir," says I, "I am very--very sorry: it was a matter of delicacy, +rather than otherwise, which induced me not to speak to my aunt about the +West Diddlesex." + +"Delicacy, my dear dear boy--as if there can be any delicacy about making +your aunt's fortune! Say indifference to me, say ingratitude, say +folly,--but don't say delicacy--no, no, not delicacy. Be honest, my boy, +and call things by their right names--always do." + +"It _was_ folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I: "I see it all now; +and I'll write to my aunt this very post." + +"You had better do no such thing," says Brough, bitterly: "the stocks are +at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per cent. for her money." + +"I _will_ write, sir,--upon my word and honour, I will write." + +"Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never break +your word--no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh. Send me up the letter when you +have done, and I'll frank it--upon my word and honour I will," says Mr. +Brough, laughing, and holding out his hand to me. + +I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly--"You may as well sit down +here," says he, as he kept hold of it; "there is plenty of paper." + +And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote, +"Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822," and "My dear Aunt," +in the best manner possible. Then I paused a little, thinking what I +should next say; for I have always found that difficulty about letters. +The date and My dear So-and-so one writes off immediately--it is the next +part which is hard; and I put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my +chair, and began to think about it. + +"Bah!" said Brough, "are you going to be about this letter all day, my +good fellow? Listen to me, and I'll dictate to you in a moment." So he +began:-- + + "My Dear Aunt,--Since my return from Somersetshire, I am very happy + indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing director of our + Association and the Board, that they have been good enough to appoint + me third clerk--" + +"Sir!" says I. + +"Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by the board +yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes the title of secretary and +actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego follows him; and I +place you as third clerk--as + + "third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds per + annum. This news will, I know, gratify my dear mother and you, who + have been a second mother to me all my life. + + "When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to the best + mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless in your + banker's hands. I have since lost no opportunity of gaining what + information I could: and situated here as I am, in the very midst of + affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a person to + apply to as many others of greater age and standing. + + "I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but + feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing so. I did not wish that + anyone should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could move me in + any way. + + "But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex + Association offers the best security that you can expect for your + capital, and, at the same time, the highest interest you can anywhere + procure. + + "The situation of the Company, as I have it from _the very best + authority_ (underline that), is as follows:-- + + "The subscribed and _bona fide_ capital is FIVE MILLIONS STERLING. + + "The body of directors you know. Suffice it to say that the managing + director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and Hoff, a + Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. Rothschild in the + City of London. His private fortune, I know for a fact, amounts to + half a million; and the last dividends paid to the shareholders of the + I. W. D. Association amounted to 6.125 per cent. per annum." + +[That I know was the dividend declared by us.] + + "Although the shares in the market are at a very great premium, it is + the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose of a certain number, + 5,000_l_. each at par; and if you, my dearest aunt, would wish for + 2,500_l_. worth, I hope you will allow me to oblige you by offering + you so much of my new privileges. + + "Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have already + an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market price." + +"But I haven't, sir," says I. + +"You have, sir. _I_ will take the shares; but I want _you_. I want as +many respectable persons in the Company as I can bring. I want you +because I like you, and I don't mind telling you that I have views of my +own as well; for I am an honest man and say openly what I mean, and I'll +tell you _why_ I want you. I can't, by the regulations of the Company, +have more than a certain number of votes, but if your aunt takes shares, +I expect--I don't mind owning it--that she will vote with me. _Now_ do +you understand me? My object is to be all in all with the Company; and +if I be, I will make it the most glorious enterprise that ever was +conducted in the City of London." + +So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank. + +The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's desk, being +led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, much to the +annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their services: though, +as for the matter of that, our services were very much alike: the Company +was only three years old, and the oldest clerk in it had not six months' +more standing in it than I. "Look out," said that envious M'Whirter to +me. "Have you got money, or have any of your relations money? or are any +of them going to put it into the concern?" + +I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his mull, and +was always kind to him; and he, to say the truth, was always most civil +to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I was a superior being; and +I must say that the rest of the chaps behaved very kindly in the matter, +and said that if one man were to be put over their heads before another, +they would have pitched upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and +done little kindnesses to several. + +"I know," says Abednego, "how you got the place. It was I who got it +you. I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston's, the Lord of the +Treasury, had venison from him and all that; and depend upon it he +expects that you will be able to do him some good in that quarter." + +I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because our +governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my cousin; told +me to push the concern in the West End of the town, get as many noblemen +as we could to insure with us, and so on. It was in vain I said I could +do nothing with Mr. Preston. "Bah! bah!" says Mr. Brough, "don't tell +_me_. People don't send haunches of venison to you for nothing;" and I'm +convinced he thought I was a very cautious prudent fellow, for not +bragging about my great family, and keeping my connection with them a +secret. To be sure he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived +with me; but Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the +nobility, and boasted about me ten times as much as I did myself. + +The chaps used to call me the "West Ender." + +"See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty giving me a +diamond-pin! What a lucky thing it is that she did not give me the +money, as I hoped she would! Had I not had the pin--had I even taken it +to any other person but Mr. Polonius, Lady Drum would never have noticed +me; had Lady Drum never noticed me, Mr. Brough never would, and I never +should have been third clerk of the West Diddlesex." + +I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my +appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning that a "certain +event," for which one of us was longing very earnestly, might come off +sooner than we had expected. And why not? Miss S.'s own fortune was +70_l_. a year, mine was 150_l_., and when we had 300_l_., we always vowed +we would marry. "Ah!" thought I, "if I could but go to Somersetshire +now, I might boldly walk up to old Smith's door" (he was her grandfather, +and a half-pay lieutenant of the navy), "I might knock at the knocker and +see my beloved Mary in the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak behind +hayricks on the look-out for her, or pelt stones at midnight at her +window." + +My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter. She +had not determined, she said, as to the manner in which she should employ +her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer into consideration; +begging me to keep my shares open for a little while, until her mind was +made up. + +What, then, does Mr. Brough do? I learned afterwards, in the year 1830, +when he and the West Diddlesex Association had disappeared altogether, +how he had proceeded. + +"Who are the attorneys at Slopperton?" says he to me in a careless way. + +"Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. Hodge and +Smithers the Liberals." I knew them very well, for the fact is, before +Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather partial to Miss Hodge, +and her great gold-coloured ringlets; but Mary came and soon put _her_ +nose out of joint, as the saying is. + +"And you are of what politics?" + +"Why, sir, we are Liberals." I was rather ashamed of this, for Mr. +Brough was an out-and-out Tory; but Hodge and Smithers is a most +respectable firm. I brought up a packet from them to Hickson, Dixon, +Paxton, and Jackson, _our_ solicitors, who are their London +correspondents. + +Mr. Brough only said, "Oh, indeed!" and did not talk any further on the +subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very much. + +"Titmarsh, my dear boy," says he, "I have a young lady at Fulham who is +worth seeing, I assure you, and who has heard so much about you from her +father (for I like you, my boy, I don't care to own it), that she is +rather anxious to see you too. Suppose you come down to us for a week? +Abednego will do your work." + +"Law, sir! you are very kind," says I. + +"Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret. But hark +ye! I don't think, my dear fellow, you are quite smart enough--quite +well enough dressed. Do you understand me?" + +"I've my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir." + +"What! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that you wore at +Mrs. Brough's party?" (It _was_ rather high-waisted, being made in the +country two years before.) "No--no, that will never do. Get some new +clothes, sir,--two new suits of clothes." + +"Sir!" says I, "I'm already, if the truth must be told, very short of +money for this quarter, and can't afford myself a new suit for a long +time to come." + +"Pooh, pooh! don't let that annoy you. Here's a ten-pound note--but no, +on second thoughts, you may as well go to my tailor's. I'll drive you +down there: and never mind the bill, my good lad!" And drive me down he +actually did, in his grand coach-and-four, to Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford +Street, who took my measure, and sent me home two of the finest coats +ever seen, a dress-coat and a frock, a velvet waist-coat, a silk ditto, +and three pairs of pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told +me to get some boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings; so that +when the time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome as +any young nobleman, and Gus said that "I looked, by Jingo, like a regular +tip-top swell." + +In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to Hodge and +Smithers:-- + + "RAM ALLEY, CORNHILL, LONDON: _July_ 1822. + + "DEAR SIRS, + + * * * * * + + [This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon v. + Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, I am not permitted to + extract.] + + * * * * * + + "Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the + Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of which + we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We wrote to you + last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton and Somerset agency + for the same, and have been expecting for some time back that either + shares or assurances should be effected by you. + + "The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions sterling + (say 5,000,000_l_.), and we are in a situation to offer more than the + usual commission to our agents of the legal profession. We shall be + happy to give a premium of 6 per cent. for shares to the amount of + 1,000_l_., 6.5 per cent. above a thousand, to be paid immediately upon + the taking of the shares. + + "I am, dear Sirs, for self and partners, + Yours most faithfully, + SAMUEL JACKSON." + +This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time afterwards. I +knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my new suit of clothes, I +went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, residence of John +Brough, Esquire, M.P. + + + + +CHAPTER VII + + +HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY + +If I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery +properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome country +place; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, handsome +shrubberies and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, kitchen-gardens, +and everything belonging to a first-rate _rus in urbe_, as the great +auctioneer called it when he hammered it down some years after. + +I arrived on a Saturday at half-an-hour before dinner: a grave gentleman +out of livery showed me to my room; a man in a chocolate coat and gold +lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me a silver shaving-pot +of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand dinner was ready at six, at +which I had the honour of appearing in Von Stiltz's dress-coat and my new +silk stockings and pumps. + +Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his lady, a +stout fair-haired woman, in light blue satin; then to his daughter, a +tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking very ill-natured, +and about eighteen. + +"Belinda my love," said her papa, "this young gentleman is one of my +clerks, who was at our ball." + +"Oh, indeed!" says Belinda, tossing up her head. + +"But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda,--so, if you please, we will have +none of your aristocratic airs with him. He is a nephew of the Countess +of Drum; and I hope he will soon be very high in our establishment, and +in the city of London." + +At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error about +our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and stared at me very +hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery pleasant to any friend +of Papa's. "We have not much _monde_ to-day," continued Miss Brough, +"and are only in _petit comite_; but I hope before you leave us you will +see some _societe_ that will make your _sejour_ agreeable." + +I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the French +language in this way. + +"Isn't she a fine girl?" said Brough, whispering to me, and evidently as +proud of her as a man could be. "Isn't she a fine girl--eh, you dog? Do +you see breeding like that in Somersetshire?" + +"No, sir, upon my word!" answered I, rather slily; for I was thinking all +the while how "Somebody" was a thousand times more beautiful, simple, and +ladylike. + +"And what has my dearest love been doing all day?" said her papa. + +"Oh, Pa! I have _pinced_ the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's flute. +Didn't I, Captain Fizgig?" + +Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, your fair +daughter _pinced_ the harp, and _touched_ the piano, and _egratigned_ the +guitar, and _ecorched_ a song or two; and we had the pleasure of a +_promenade a l'eau_,--of a walk upon the water." + +"Law, Captain!" cries Mrs. Brough, "walk on the water?" + +"Hush, Mamma, you don't understand French!" says Miss Belinda, with a +sneer. + +"It's a sad disadvantage, madam," says Fizgig, gravely; "and I recommend +you and Brough here, who are coming out in the great world, to have some +lessons; or at least get up a couple of dozen phrases, and introduce them +into your conversation here and there. I suppose, sir, you speak it +commonly at the office, Mr. What you call it?" And Mr. Fizgig put his +glass into his eye and looked at me. + +"We speak English, sir," says I, "knowing it better than French." + +"Everybody has not had your opportunities," Miss Brough, continued the +gentleman. "Everybody has not _voyage_ like _nous autres_, hey? _Mais +que voulez-vous_, my good sir? you must stick to your cursed ledgers and +things. What's the French for ledger, Miss Belinda?" + +"How can you ask? _Je n'en scais rien_, I'm sure." + +"You should learn, Miss Brough," said her father. "The daughter of a +British merchant need not be ashamed of the means by which her father +gets his bread. _I'm_ not ashamed--I'm not proud. Those who know John +Brough, know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like my friend +Titmarsh here, and is now worth half-a-million. Is there any man in the +House better listened to than John Brough? Is there any duke in the land +that can give a better dinner than John Brough; or a larger fortune to +his daughter than John Brough? Why, sir, the humble person now speaking +to you could buy out many a German duke! But I'm not proud--no, no, not +proud. There's my daughter--look at her--when I die, she will be +mistress of my fortune; but am I proud? No! Let him who can win her, +marry her, that's what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son of a peer of +the realm; or you, Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I +care, hey?--what do I care?" + +"O-o-oh!" sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd: a very pale +young man, with a black riband round his neck instead of a handkerchief, +and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. He was leaning against the +mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green eyes ogling Miss Brough with +all his might. + +"Oh, John--my dear John!" cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her husband's hand +and kissing it, "you are an angel, that you are!" + +"Isabella, don't flatter me; I'm a _man_,--a plain downright citizen of +London, without a particle of pride, except in you and my daughter +here--my two Bells, as I call them! This is the way that we live, +Titmarsh my boy: ours is a happy, humble, Christian home, and that's all. +Isabella, leave go my hand!" + +"Mamma, you mustn't do so before company; it's odious!" shrieked Miss B.; +and Mamma quietly let the hand fall, and heaved from her ample bosom a +great large sigh. I felt a liking for that simple woman, and a respect +for Brough too. He couldn't be a bad man, whose wife loved him so. + +Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss B., +who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain Fizgig, because +that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. He sat on the right +of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat next to him, leaving +me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at the opposite side of the table. + +At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey afterwards +of course. How is it that at all the great dinners they have this +perpetual boiled turkey? It was real turtle-soup: the first time I had +ever tasted it; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who insisted on helping it, +gave all the green lumps of fat to her husband, and put several slices of +the breast of the bird under the body, until it came to his turn to be +helped. + +"I'm a plain man," says John, "and eat a plain dinner. I hate your +kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for those who are not of my way of +thinking. I'm no egotist, look you; I've no prejudices; and Miss there +has her bechamels and fallals according to her taste. Captain, try the +_volly-vong_." + +We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great silver +tankards of porter, which those might take who chose. Brough made +especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the ladies retired, said, +"Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an unlimited supply of wine: there's no +stinting here;" and then laid himself down in his easy-chair and fell +asleep. + +"He always does so," whispered Mr. Tidd to me. + +"Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins," says the Captain. "That +other claret we had yesterday is loaded, and disagrees with me +infernally!" + +I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt Hoggarty's +Rosolio. + +I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing for. + +"Isn't she a glorious creature?" says he to me. + +"Who, sir?" says I. + +"Miss Belinda, to be sure!" cried Tidd. "Did mortal ever look upon eyes +like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure?" + +"She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, "and a +little less eyebrow. They look vicious, those scowling eyebrows, in a +girl. _Qu'en dites-vous_, Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss Brough would say?" + +"I think it remarkably good claret, sir," says I. + +"Egad, you're the right sort of fellow!" says the Captain. "_Volto +sciolto_, eh? You respect our sleeping host yonder?" + +"That I do, sir, as the first man in the city of London, and my managing +director." + +"And so do I," says Tidd; "and this day fortnight, when I'm of age, I'll +prove my confidence too." + +"As how?" says I. + +"Why, sir, you must know that I come into--ahem--a considerable property, +sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made--in business." + +"Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd." + +"He _was_ a tailor, sir,--but what of that? I've had a University +education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; as much--ay, perhaps, +and more, than some members of an effete aristocracy." + +"Tidd, don't be severe!" says the Captain, drinking a tenth glass. + +"Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable property; and +Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me twelve hundred a year +for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have promised to invest them." + +"In the West Diddlesex, sir?" says I--"in our office?" + +"No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and quite as +good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my family, sir, and he +has taken a great liking to me; and he says that with my talents I ought +to get into Parliament; and then--and then! after I have laid out my +patrimony, I may look to _matrimony_, you see!" + +"Oh, you designing dog!" said the Captain. "When I used to lick you at +school, who ever would have thought that I was thrashing a sucking +statesman?" + +"Talk away, boys!" said Brough, waking out of his sleep; "I only sleep +with half an eye, and hear you all. Yes, you shall get into Parliament, +Tidd my man, or my name's not Brough! You shall have six per cent. for +your money, or never believe me! But as for my daughter--ask _her_, and +not me. You, or the Captain, or Titmarsh, may have her, if you can get +her. All I ask in a son-in-law is, that he should be, as every one of +you is, an honourable and high-minded man!" + +Tidd at this looked very knowing; and as our host sank off to sleep +again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at the +Captain. + +"Bah!" says the Captain. "I say what I think; and you may tell Miss +Brough if you like." And so presently this conversation ended, and we +were summoned in to coffee. After which the Captain sang songs with Miss +Brough; Tidd looked at her and said nothing; I looked at prints, and Mrs. +Brough sat knitting stockings for the poor. The Captain was sneering +openly at Miss Brough and her affected ways and talk; but in spite of his +bullying contemptuous way I thought she seemed to have a great regard for +him, and to bear his scorn very meekly. + +At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knightsbridge, and +Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day being Sunday, a great bell woke us at +eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfast-room, where Mr. +Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an exhortation afterwards, to us +and all the members of the household; except the French cook, Monsieur +Nontong-paw, whom I could see, from my chair, walking about in the +shrubberies in his white night-cap, smoking a cigar. + +Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went through +the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers; but though this man was +a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I'm not going to laugh at the family +prayers, or say he was a hypocrite _because_ he had them. There are many +bad and good men who don't go through the ceremony at all; but I am sure +the good men would be the better for it, and am not called upon to settle +the question with respect to the bad ones; and therefore I have passed +over a great deal of the religious part of Mr. Brough's behaviour: +suffice it, that religion was always on his lips; that he went to church +thrice every Sunday, when he had not a party; and if he did not talk +religion with us when we were alone, had a great deal to say upon the +subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had a Quaker and +Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as grave as that of any +minister present. Tidd was not there that day,--for nothing could make +him forsake his Byron riband or refrain from wearing his collars turned +down; so Tidd was sent with the buggy to Astley's. "And hark ye, +Titmarsh my boy," said he, "leave your diamond pin upstairs: our friends +to-day don't like such gewgaws; and though for my part I am no enemy to +harmless ornaments, yet I would not shock the feelings of those who have +sterner opinions. You will see that my wife and Miss Brough consult my +wishes in this respect." And so they did,--for they both came down to +dinner in black gowns and tippets; whereas Miss B. had commonly her dress +half off her shoulders. + +The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough seemed +always delighted to see _him_. One day I met him as I was walking out +alone by the river, and we had a long talk together. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says he, "from what little I have seen of you, you seem +to be an honest straight-minded young fellow; and I want some information +that you can give. Tell me, in the first place, if you will--and upon my +honour it shall go no farther--about this Insurance Company of yours? You +are in the City, and see how affairs are going on. Is your concern a +stable one?" + +"Sir," said I, "frankly then, and upon my honour too, I believe it is. It +has been set up only four years, it is true; but Mr. Brough had a great +name when it was established, and a vast connection. Every clerk in the +office has, to be sure, in a manner, paid for his place, either by taking +shares himself, or by his relations taking them. I got mine because my +mother, who is very poor, devoted a small sum of money that came to us to +the purchase of an annuity for herself and a provision for me. The +matter was debated by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and +Smithers, who are very well known in our part of the country; and it was +agreed on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for +all of us than invest it in this way. Brough alone is worth half a +million of money, and his name is a host in itself. Nay, more: I wrote +the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum of money in +loose cash, and who had consulted me as to the disposal of it, to invest +it in our office. Can I give you any better proof of my opinion of its +solvency?" + +"Did Brough persuade you in any way?" + +"Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me his motives, +and tells them to us all as honestly. He says, 'Gentlemen, it is my +object to increase the connection of the office, as much as possible. I +want to crush all the other offices in London. Our terms are lower than +any office, and we can bear to have them lower, and a great business will +come to us that way. But we must work ourselves as well. Every single +shareholder and officer of the establishment must exert himself, and +bring us customers,--no matter for how little they are engaged--engage +them: that is the great point.' And accordingly our Director makes all +his friends and servants shareholders: his very lodge-porter yonder is a +shareholder; and he thus endeavours to fasten upon all whom he comes +near. I, for instance, have just been appointed over the heads of our +gents, to a much better place than I held. I am asked down here, and +entertained royally: and why? Because my aunt has three thousand pounds +which Mr. Brough wants her to invest with us." + +"That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh." + +"Not a whit, sir: he makes no disguise of the matter. When the question +is settled one way or the other, I don't believe Mr. Brough will take any +further notice of me. But he wants me now. This place happened to fall +in just at the very moment when he had need of me; and he hopes to gain +over my family through me. He told me as much as we drove down. 'You +are a man of the world, Titmarsh,' said he; 'you know that I don't give +you this place because you are an honest fellow, and write a good hand. +If I had a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should only have +given you that; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in my power.'" + +"That's fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager for such a small +sum as three thousand pounds?" + +"If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more eager. You +don't know the city of London, and the passion which our great men in the +share-market have for increasing their connection. Mr. Brough, sir, +would canvass and wheedle a chimney-sweep in the way of business. See, +here is poor Tidd and his twenty thousand pounds. Our Director has taken +possession of him just in the same way. He wants all the capital he can +lay his hands on." + +"Yes, and suppose he runs off with the capital?" + +"Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir? Suppose the Bank of +England runs off! But here we are at the lodge-gate. Let's ask Gates, +another of Mr. Brough's victims." And we went in and spoke to old Gates. + +"Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, "you are one of +my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex yonder?" + +"Yees, sure," says old Gates, grinning. He was a retired servant, with a +large family come to him in his old age. + +"May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can lay by so +much money, and purchase shares in our Company?" + +Gates told us his wages; and when we inquired whether they were paid +regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentleman in the world: +that he had put two of his daughters into service, two of his sons to +charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a hundred other +benefits that he had received from the family. Mrs. Brough clothed half +the children; master gave them blankets and coats in winter, and soup and +meat all the year round. There never was such a generous family, sure, +since the world began. + +"Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy you? Mr. Brough +gives to these people fifty times as much as he gains from them; and yet +he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our Company." + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "you are an honest fellow; and I +confess your argument sounds well. Now tell me, do you know anything +about Miss Brough and her fortune?" + +"Brough will leave her everything--or says so." But I suppose the +Captain saw some particular expression in my countenance, for he laughed +and said-- + +"I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price. Well, I +don't know that you are far wrong." + +"Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you always at her +heels?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand pounds;" and he +went back to the house directly, and proposed for her. + +I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the gentleman's +part; for he had been introduced to the family by Mr. Tidd, with whom he +had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd entirely in the great +heiress's affections. Brough stormed, and actually swore at his daughter +(as the Captain told me afterwards) when he heard that the latter had +accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, seeing the Captain, made him give his +word that the engagement should be kept secret for a few months. And +Captain F. only made a confidant of me, and the mess, as he said: but +this was after Tidd had paid his twenty thousand pounds over to our +governor, which he did punctually when he came of age. The same day, +too, he proposed for the young lady, and I need not say was rejected. +Presently the Captain's engagement began to be whispered about: all his +great relations, the Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of +Crabs, &c. came and visited the Brough family; the Hon. Henry Ringwood +became a shareholder in our Company, and the Earl of Crabs offered to be. +Our shares rose to a premium; our Director, his lady, and daughter were +presented at Court; and the great West Diddlesex Association bid fair to +be the first Assurance Office in the kingdom. + +A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to me to +say that she had consulted with her attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and +Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the sum as I +advised. She had the sum invested, too, in my name, paying me many +compliments upon my honesty and talent; of which, she said, Mr. Brough +had given her the most flattering account. And at the same time my aunt +informed me that at her death the shares should be my own. This gave me +a great weight in the Company, as you may imagine. At our next annual +meeting, I attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and had great +pleasure in hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, declare a +dividend of six per cent., that we all received over the counter. + +"You lucky young scoundrel!" said Brough to me; "do you know what made me +give you your place?" + +"Why, my aunt's money, to be sure, sir," said I. + +"No such thing. Do you fancy I cared for those paltry three thousand +pounds? I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum; and Lady Drum is +grandmother of Lady Jane Preston; and Mr. Preston is a man who can do us +a world of good. I knew that they had sent you venison, and the deuce +knows what; and when I saw Lady Jane at my party shake you by the hand, +and speak to you so kindly, I took all Abednego's tales for gospel. +_That_ was the reason you got the place, mark you, and not on account of +your miserable three thousand pounds. Well, sir, a fortnight after you +were with us at Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of +having given the place to his cousin. 'Confound the insolent scoundrel!' +said he; '_he_ my cousin! I suppose you take all old Drum's stories for +true? Why, man, it's her mania: she never is introduced to a man but she +finds out a cousinship, and would not fail of course with that cur of a +Titmarsh!' 'Well,' said I, laughing, 'that cur has got a good place in +consequence, and the matter can't be mended.' So you see," continued our +Director, "that you were indebted for your place, not to your aunt's +money, but--" + +"But to MY AUNT'S DIAMOND PIN!" + +"Lucky rascal!" said Brough, poking me in the side and going out of the +way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I was. + + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + +RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH'S LIFE + +I don't know how it was that in the course of the next six months Mr. +Roundhand, the actuary, who had been such a profound admirer of Mr. +Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled with both, +and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of his 5,000_l_. +worth of shares to a pretty good profit, and went away, speaking +everything that was evil both of the Company and the Director. + +Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was first +clerk, and your humble servant was second in the office at a salary of +250_l_. a year. How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand's aspersions of the +West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our meeting in January, 1823, +when our Chief Director, in one of the most brilliant speeches ever +heard, declared that the half-yearly dividend was 4_l_. per cent., at the +rate of 8_l_. per cent. per annum; and I sent to my aunt 120_l_. sterling +as the amount of the interest of the stock in my name. + +My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent me back +10_l_. for my own pocket, and asked me if she had not better sell +Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this admirable +concern. + +On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of Mr. +Brough. Mr. B. told me that shares could not be had but at a premium; +but on my representing that I knew of 5,000_l_. worth in the market at +par, he said--"Well, if so, he would like a fair price for his, and would +not mind disposing of 5,000_l_. worth, as he had rather a glut of West +Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns wanted feeding with ready +money." At the end of our conversation, of which I promised to report +the purport to Mrs. Hoggarty, the Director was so kind as to say that he +had determined on creating a place of private secretary to the Managing +Director, and that I should hold that office with an additional salary of +150_l_. + +I had 250_l_. a year, Miss Smith had 70_l_. per annum to her fortune. +What had I said should be my line of conduct whenever I could realise +300_l_. a year? + +Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew of my +engagement with Mary Smith. Her father had been a commander in the navy +and a very distinguished officer; and though Mary, as I have said, only +brought me a fortune of 70_l_. a year, and I, as everybody said, in my +present position in the office and the City of London, might have +reasonably looked out for a lady with much more money, yet my friends +agreed that the connection was very respectable, and I was content: as +who would not have been with such a darling as Mary? I am sure, for my +part, I would not have taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of +Mary, even with a plum to her fortune. + +Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as of +everything else relating to every clerk in the office; and I do believe +Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day. Indeed, his +knowledge of our affairs was wonderful. + +He asked me how Mary's money was invested. It was in the three per cent. +consols--2,333_l_. 6_s_. 8_d_. + +"Remember," says he, "my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to be may have +seven per cent. for her money at the very least, and on better security +than the Bank of England; for is not a Company of which John Brough is +the head better than any other company in England?" and to be sure I +thought he was not far wrong, and promised to speak to Mary's guardians +on the subject before our marriage. Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather, +had been at the first very much averse to our union. (I must confess +that, one day finding me alone with her, and kissing, I believe, the tips +of her little fingers, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of +doors.) But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of 250_l_. a year, a promised +fortune of 150_l_. more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough of +London, was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor +clergyman's widow's son; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind letter +enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb's-wool stockings and +four ditto waistcoats from Romanis', and accepted them too as a present +from me when I went down in June--in happy June of 1823--to fetch my dear +Mary away. + +Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt's Slopperton and +Squashtail property, which she had not as yet sold, as she talked of +doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a shame that any +person in whom he took such interest, as he did in all the relatives of +his dear young friend, should only have three per cent. for her money, +when she could have eight elsewhere. He always called me Sam now, +praised me to the other young men (who brought the praises regularly to +me), said there was a cover always laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly +took me thither. There was but little company when I went; and M'Whirter +used to say he only asked me on days when he had his vulgar +acquaintances. But I did not care for the great people, not being born +in their sphere; and indeed did not much care for going to the house at +all. Miss Belinda was not at all to my liking. After her engagement +with Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his 20,000_l_. and +Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our Director's companies, +Mr. Brough declared he believed that Captain Fizgig's views were +mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, by saying that he must take +Miss Brough without a farthing, or not have her at all. Whereupon +Captain Fizgig got an appointment in the colonies, and Miss Brough became +more ill-humoured than ever. But I could not help thinking she was rid +of a bad bargain, and pitying poor Tidd, who came back to the charge +again more love-sick than ever, and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss +Belinda. Her father plainly told Tidd, too, that his visits were +disagreeable to Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he +begged him to discontinue his calls at the Rookery. Poor fellow! he had +paid his 20,000_l_. away for nothing! for what was six per cent. to him +compared to six per cent. and the hand of Miss Belinda Brough? + +Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called me, so +much, and felt such a warm sympathy in my well-being, that he insisted on +my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months' leave; and away I +went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brand-new suits from Von +Stiltz's in my trunk (I had them made, looking forward to a certain +event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant Smith's fleecy hosiery; wrapping +up a parcel of our prospectuses and two letters from John Brough, Esq., +to my mother our worthy annuitant, and to Mrs. Hoggarty our excellent +shareholder. Mr. Brough said I was all that the fondest father could +wish, that he considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged +Mrs. Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her little landed property, as +land was high now and _must fall_; whereas the West Diddlesex Association +shares were (comparatively) low, and must inevitably, in the course of a +year or two, double, treble, quadruple their present value. + +In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear Gus. +As we parted in the yard of the "Bolt-in-Tun," Fleet Street, I felt that +I never should go back to Salisbury Square again, and had made my little +present to the landlady's family accordingly. She said I was the +respectablest gentleman she had ever had in her house: nor was that +saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rules of the Fleet, and her lodgers +used commonly to be prisoners on Rule from that place. As for Gus, the +poor fellow cried and blubbered so that he could not eat a morsel of the +muffins and grilled ham with which I treated him for breakfast in the +"Bolt-in-Tun" coffee-house; and when I went away was waving his hat and +his handkerchief so in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe +the wheels of the "True Blue" went over his toes, for I heard him roaring +as we passed through the arch. Ah! how different were my feelings as I +sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the coachman, to +those I had the last time I mounted that coach, parting from my dear Mary +and coming to London with my DIAMOND PIN! + +When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, where +the "True Blue" generally stops to take a glass of ale at the Poppleton +Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, was come into the +country, so great was the concourse of people assembled round the inn. +And there was the landlord of the inn and all the people of the village. +Then there was Tom Wheeler, the post-boy, from Mrs. Rincer's +posting-hotel in our town; he was riding on the old bay posters, and +they, Heaven bless us! were drawing my aunt's yellow chariot, in which +she never went out but thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her +splendid cashmere shawl and a new hat and feather. She waved a white +handkerchief out of the window, and Tom Wheeler shouted out "Huzza!" as +did a number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley: who, to be sure, +would huzza for anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler's part, however! +I remembered only a few years before how he had whipped me from the box +of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride behind. + +Next to my aunt's carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of Lieutenant +Smith, R.N., who was driving his old fat pony with his lady by his side. +I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and felt a little sad at seeing +that _Somebody_ was not there. But, O silly fellow! there was Somebody +in the yellow chariot with my aunt, blushing like a peony, I declare, and +looking so happy!--oh, so happy and pretty! She had a white dress, and a +light blue and yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty +colours; though what the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow, +I don't know to this day. + +Well, the "True Blue" guard made a great bellowing on his horn as his +four horses dashed away; the boys shouted again; I was placed bodkin +between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary; Tom Wheeler cut into his bays; the +Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and whose big dog +did not make the slightest attempt at biting me this time) beat his pony +till its fat sides lathered again; and thus in this, I may say, +unexampled procession, I arrived in triumph at our village. + +My dear mother and the girls,--Heaven bless them!--nine of them in their +nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk for each of +them)--could not afford a carriage, but had posted themselves on the road +near the village; and there was such a waving of hands and handkerchiefs: +and though my aunt did not much notice them, except by a majestic toss of +the head, which is pardonable in a woman of her property, yet Mary Smith +did even more than I, and waved her hands as much as the whole nine. Ah! +how my dear mother cried and blessed me when we met, and called me her +soul's comfort and her darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a +paragon of virtue and genius: whereas I was only a very lucky young +fellow, that by the aid of kind friends had stepped rapidly into a very +pretty property. + +I was not to stay with my mother,--that had been arranged beforehand; for +though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably good friends, yet Mother +said it was for my benefit that I should stay with my aunt, and so give +up the pleasure of having me with her: and though hers was much the +humbler house of the two, I need not say I preferred it far to Mrs. +Hoggarty's more splendid one; let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I +was obliged now to drink gallons. + +It was to Mrs. H.'s then we were driven: she had prepared a great dinner +that evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on getting out of the +carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that was for +himself, and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the horses +afterwards. At which Tom flung the sixpence upon the ground, swore most +violently, and was very justly called by my aunt an "impertinent fellow." + +She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out of +her sight. We used to sit for morning after morning over her accounts, +debating for hours together the propriety of selling the Slopperton +property; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, for Hodge and +Smithers could not get the price she wanted. And, moreover, she vowed +that at her decease she would leave every shilling to me. + +Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with marked +consideration; as did every single person of the village. Those who +could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank the health of +the young couple; and many a time after dinner or supper was my Mary made +to blush by the allusions to the change in her condition. + +The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July, 1823, +saw me the happiest husband of the prettiest girl in Somersetshire. We +were married from my mother's house, who would insist upon that at any +rate, and the nine girls acted as bridesmaids; ay! and Gus Hoskins came +from town express to be my groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's, +and stayed with her for a week, and cast a sheep's-eye upon Miss Winny +Titmarsh too, my dear fourth sister, as I afterwards learned. + +My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. She had +desired me some weeks previous to order three magnificent dresses for +Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some elegant +trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs from Howell and James's. +These were sent down to me, and were to be _my_ present to the bride; but +Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need never trouble myself +about the payment of the bill, and I thought her conduct very generous. +Also she lent us her chariot for the wedding journey, and made with her +own hands a beautiful crimson satin reticule for Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, +her dear niece. It contained a huswife completely furnished with +needles, &c., for she hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never neglect her needle; +and a purse containing some silver pennies, and a very curious pocket- +piece. "As long as you keep these, my dear," said Mrs. Hoggarty, "you +will never want; and fervently--fervently do I pray that you will keep +them." In the carriage-pocket we found a paper of biscuits and a bottle +of Rosolio. We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom Wheeler--who, +however, did not seem to like it much better than we. + +I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz's coat (the third and +fourth coats, Heaven help us! in a year), and that I wore sparkling in my +bosom the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND. + + + + +CHAPTER IX + + +BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON + +We pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for our life +in London, and a pretty paradise did we build for ourselves! Well, we +were but forty years old between us; and, for my part, I never found any +harm come of castle-building, but a great deal of pleasure. + +Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for a +proper place, befitting persons of our small income; and Gus Hoskins and +I, who hunted after office-hours in couples, bad fixed on a very snug +little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a garden that certain +_small people_ might play in when they came: a horse and gig-house, if +ever we kept one,--and why not, in a few years?--and a fine healthy air, +at a reasonable distance from 'Change; all for 30_l_. a year. I had +described this little spot to Mary as enthusiastically as Sancho +describes Lizias to Don Quixote; and my dear wife was delighted with the +prospect of housekeeping there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes +herself (especially jam-pudding, of which I confess I am very fond), and +promised Gus that he should dine with us at Clematis Bower every Sunday: +only he must not smoke those horrid cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he +would have a room in the neighbourhood too, for he could not bear to go +back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together; and so good- +natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come and keep her +company. At which Hoskins blushed, and said, "Pooh! nonsense now." + +But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the +ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs. +Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was determined +to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep house for them, +and introduce them to her friends in the metropolis. + +What could we do? We wished her at--Bath: certainly not in London. But +there was no help for it; and we were obliged to bring her: for, as my +mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would go out of our family; +and were we two young people not likely to want it? + +So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the whole +way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my aunt's rank in +life could not travel by the stage. And I had to pay 14_l_. for the +posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my little hoard of cash. + +First we went into lodgings,--into three sets in three weeks. We +quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she cut a +slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner; from the +second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would steal the +candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty came down to +breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face shockingly swelled +and bitten by--never mind what. To cut a long tale short, I was half mad +with the continual choppings and changings, and the long stories and +scoldings of my aunt. As for her great acquaintances, none of them were +in London; and she made it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not +introduced her to John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady +Tiptoff, her relatives. + +Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his return I +did not care at first to tell our Director that I had brought my aunt +with me, or mention my embarrassments for money. He looked rather +serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him and asked for an +advance; but when he heard that my lack of money had been occasioned by +the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone instantly changed. "That, my +dear boy, alters the question; Mrs. Hoggarty is of an age when all things +must be yielded to her. Here are a hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw +upon me whenever you are in the least in want of money." This gave me +breathing-time until she should pay her share of the household expenses. +And the very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid +carriage-and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings +in Lamb's Conduit Street. + +It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in that +sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of the cause, +and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country place in +Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile odious things. + +"Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your rank to +suffer in this way!--the excellent relative of my dear boy, Titmarsh! +Never, madam--never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty +should be subject to such horrible humiliation, while John Brough has a +home to offer her,--a humble, happy, Christian home, madam; though +unlike, perhaps, the splendour to which you have been accustomed in the +course of your distinguished career. Isabella my love!--Belinda! speak +to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell her that John Brough's house is hers from garret +to cellar. I repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire--I +insist--I order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be +placed this instant in my carriage! Have the goodness to look to them +yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's comforts are +better provided for than they have been." + +Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure, Mr. +Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though the silly +child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at Aunt's enormous +valises, yet she performed the work, and came down with a smiling face to +my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs. Brough with a long and +particular account of the balls at the Castle, in Dublin, in Lord +Charleville's time. + +"I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to bring them +down," said Mary. + +"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little +ashamed. "Hallo! George, Frederic, Augustus, come upstairs this +instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, +which this young lady will show you." + +Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his +fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself seized +a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the carriage, and shouted +loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to hear, "John Brough is not +proud--no, no; and if his footmen are too high and mighty, he'll show +them a lesson of humility." + +Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks from +her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented herself +with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, whether John +Brough was not an angel of a man? + +In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her +departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back at +five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the window, and +beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was very strange, +because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and indeed had told me +repeatedly that either she or he must quit the house. Well, we went +upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried her tears and received us +with the most smiling of faces, and laughed and clapped her hands, and +danced, and shook Gus's hand. And what do you think the little rogue +proposed? I am blest if she did not say she would like to go to +Vauxhall! + +As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with fear +and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the circumstances which +had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been whisked away to Fulham in +Mr. Brough's splendid carriage-and-four. "Let her go," I am sorry to +say, said I; and indeed we relished our veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a +great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty did her dinner off plate at the +Rookery. + +We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing treat; +and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was prolonged for +three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for we were much +merrier and more comfortable without her. My little Mary used to make my +breakfast before I went to office of mornings; and on Sundays we had a +holiday, and saw the dear little children eat their boiled beef and +potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the beautiful music: but, beautiful +as it is, I think the children were a more beautiful sight still, and the +look of their innocent happy faces was better than the best sermon. On +week-days Mrs. Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the +evening on the _left_-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to +Holborn)--ay, and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two +young gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her; +and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up as a +monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and whiskers +all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and chattering to +her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory (not near such a +handsome thing then as it is now)--there was the man chattering and +ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus and I? And in the +twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says, my gentleman was seized by +the collar of his coat and found himself sprawling under a stand of +hackney-coaches; where all the watermen were grinning at him. The best +of it was, he left his _head of hair and whiskers_ in my hand: but Mary +said, "Don't be hard upon him, Samuel; it's only a Frenchman." And so we +gave him his wig back, which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and +carried to him as he lay in the straw. + +He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and "champ- +d'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his nose and +stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made everybody +laugh; and so the adventure ended. + +About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of which +I give a copy:-- + + "My Dear Nephew,--It was my earnest whish e'er this to have returned + to London, where I am sure you and my niece Titmarsh miss me very + much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the ways of + 'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every qualaty + requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can hardly + manidge, I am sure, without me. + + "Tell her _on no account_ to pay more than 6.5_d_. for the prime + pieces, 4.75_d_. for soup meat; and that the very best of London + butter is to be had for 8.5_d_.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin + you'll employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs. + Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my + yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two + ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my _hospatable_ host; + and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when Lord + Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most _sumptious + style_. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by turbit and + sammon with _immense boles of lobster-sauce_. Lobsters alone cost + 15_s_. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon, weighing, I'm sure, + 15 lbs., and _never seen_ at table again; not a bitt of pickled sammon + the hole weak afterwards. This kind of extravigance would _just suit_ + Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns _the candle at both + ends_. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you have an old aunt + who knows better, and has a long purse; without witch, I dare say, + _some_ folks would be glad to see her out of doors. I don't mean you, + Samuel, who have, I must say, been a dutiful nephew to me. Well, I + dare say I shan't live long, and some folks won't be sorry to have me + in my grave. + + "Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought it + might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who was called + in, said it was, he very much feared, _cumsumptive_; but gave me some + pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him--he lives + at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office hours--and present + him with 1_l_. 1_s_., with my compliments. I have no money here but a + 10_l_. note, the rest being locked up in my box at Lamb's Cundit + Street. + + "Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious + establishment, I can assure you the _sperrit_ is likewise cared for. + Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises + refresh the hungry sole before breakfast! Everything is in the + handsomest style,--silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and + dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word + _Industria_, meaning industry, on _everything_--even on the chany + juggs and things in my bedd-room. On Sunday we were favoured by a + special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist + Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon in + Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have always + been a staunch supporter of the established Church of England and + Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was far superior to + that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the Establishment, who lifted up + his voice after dinner for a short discourse of two hours. + + "Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no + sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I + promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not Mr. + B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy. + + "I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so + welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the + world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose to + walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind enough + to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to wander both to + Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful works of nature. I + have spoke to him about the Slopperton property, and he is not of Mr. + B.'s opinion that I should sell it; but on this point I shall follow + my own counsel. + + "Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my + bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the + grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn it + against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for + herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns you + gave her, but keep them until _better times_. I shall soon introduse + her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my acquaintances; and am + always + + "Your loving AUNT. + + "I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from Somersetshire. + When it comes, please to send half down here (paying the carriage, of + course). 'Twill be an acceptable present to my kind entertainer, Mr. + B." + +This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, who +apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence; for the +letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he opened it +without looking at the superscription. Of course he had not read it, and +I was glad of that; for I should not have liked him to see my aunt's +opinion of his daughter and lady. + +The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent me word +at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me: and I stopped +thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the house of Hodge and +Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet-bag between his legs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a piece of +news for you regarding her property which you ought to know. She wrote +us down a letter for a chest of that home-made wine of hers which she +calls Rosolio, and which lies in our warehouse along with her furniture." + +"Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she likes +for me. I cede all my right." + +"Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us to a +deuced inconvenience, to be sure--it's not that: but, in the postscript +of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton and Squashtail +estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing her capital +elsewhere." + +I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the source of +a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for Aunt was always +at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her litigious spirit; so +that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale of it did not seem to me +to be quite disinterested. + +"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me with +this fact? It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my aunt's +instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult with her on +this subject." + +"'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of her +property, she will hand over the money to Brough; and if Brough gets the +money he--" + +"Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,--there's no harm +in that." + +"But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man, +certainly--very warm--quite respectable--most undoubtedly respectable. +But who knows? A panic may take place; and then these five hundred +companies in which he is engaged may bring him to ruin. There's the +Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a director: awkward reports are +abroad concerning it. The Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet +Company--the shares are down very low, and Brough is a director there. +The Patent Pump Company--shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody +will pay." + +"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand +pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is THAT at +a discount? Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in that +speculation, I should like to know?" I had him there. + +"Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has brought +you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank us for the +interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and Miss Hodge +has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't intend to rebuke us +for making your fortune, do you?" + +"No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a glass +of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith. + +Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, "mark my +words, and take your aunt _away from the Rookery_. She wrote to Mrs. S. +a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out there,--the +Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her. He was tried at +Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly escaped with his +neck. Have a care of him--he has an eye to her money." + +"Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for yourself." + +He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as he +returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said, "I have only two favours to ask +of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to any living soul; and +the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb's Conduit Street with your +pretty wife." + +"I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. "But if you dine with us, +your arrival in town must be known, for my friend Gus Hoskins dines with +us likewise; and has done so nearly every day since my aunt went." + +He laughed too, and said, "We must swear Gus to secrecy over a bottle." +And so we parted till dinner-time. + +The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was +supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was disinterested in +the matter--more than disinterested, for she would have given a great +deal to be spared my aunt's company. But she said she saw the force of +Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted their justice with a sigh. +However, I rode my high horse, and vowed that my aunt should do what she +liked with her money; and that I was not the man who would influence her +in any way in the disposal of it. + +After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that +Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about +Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us. "You are a +lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this charming +young couple," said Smithers; and Gus confessed he was, and said he had +dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that a better and more +hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I state not to trumpet my +own praises,--no, no; but because these questions of Smithers's had a +good deal to do with the subsequent events narrated in this little +history. + +Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that +Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his legs +under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to the door, which we did +not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we hoped might be for +the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into the room but Mrs. +Hoggarty herself! Gus, who was blowing the froth off a pot of porter +preparatory to a delicious drink of the beverage, and had been making us +die of laughing with his stories and jokes, laid down the pewter pot as +Mrs. H. came in, and looked quite sick and pale. Indeed we all felt a +little uneasy. + +My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and +saying, "It is too true--my poor boy--_already_!" flung herself +hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she would +never never leave me. + +I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation on +Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us. She refused Mary's hand when +the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and when Gus timidly said, "I +think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and perhaps--had better go," Mrs. +H. looked him full in the face, pointed to the door majestically with her +forefinger, and said, "I think, sir, you _had_ better go." + +"I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife, with +spirit. + +"_Of course_ you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very sarcastic. +But Mary's speech and my aunt's were quite lost upon Gus; for he had +instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling downstairs. + +The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of tears, and +by my aunt's repeating the assertion that it was not too late, she +trusted; and from that day forth she would never never leave me. + +"What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?" said I to Mary that +night, as we were in our own room; but my wife protested she did not +know: and it was only some time after that I found out the reason of this +quarrel, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance. + +The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a very good +joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter of Hickson, +Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted in my Memoirs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty in +Brough's clutches at the Rookery, and I was determined to have her away. +I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one stone as it were. +It was quite clear to me that the Reverend Grimes Wapshot had an eye to +your aunt's fortune; and that Mr. Brough had similar predatory intentions +regarding her. Predatory is a mild word, Sam: if I had said robbery at +once, I should express my meaning clearer. + +"Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the +lodgings of the reverend gentleman. 'Sir,' said I, on finding that +worthy gent,--he was drinking warm brandy-and-water, Sam, at two o'clock +in the day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of that +beverage--'Sir,' says I, 'you were tried for forgery in the year '14, at +Lancaster assizes.' + +"'And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence made clear,' said +Wapshot. + +"'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I, 'and +passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.' I knew the fellow's +history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a preacher at +Clifton. I followed up my blow. 'Mr. Wapshot,' said I, 'you are making +love to an excellent lady now at the house of Mr. Brough: if you do not +promise to give up all pursuit of her, I will expose you.' + +"'I _have_ promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking more +easy. 'I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, who was with me +this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing. Oh, sir, it +would have frightened you to hear a Christian babe like him swear as he +did.' + +"'Mr. Brough been here?' says I, rather astonished. + +"'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says Wapshot. 'You +want to marry the widow with the Slopperton and Squashtail estate, do +you? Well, well, have your way. I've promised not to have anything more +to do with the widow and a Wapshot's honour is sacred.' + +"'I suppose, sir,' says I, 'Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you out of +doors, if you call again.' + +"'You _have_ been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a shrug: +then I remembered what you had told me of the broken seal of your letter, +and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened and read every word +of it. + +"Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had a shot at +him. Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery; and off I went, primed and +loaded, sir,--primed and loaded. + +"It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the lodge- +gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery--that of your +respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable ladies of the house +before I saw her; because look, friend Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's +letter, that she and they were at daggers drawn, and hoped to get her out +of the house at once by means of a quarrel with them." + +I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow. + +"As luck would have it," continued he, "Miss Brough was in the drawing- +room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously out of tune; but +as I entered at the door, I cried 'Hush!' to the footman, as loud as +possible, stood stock-still, and then walked forward on tip-toe lightly. +Miss B. could see in the glass every movement that I made; she pretended +not to see, however, and finished the song with a regular roulade. + +"'Gracious Heaven!' said I, 'do, madam, pardon me for interrupting that +delicious harmony,--for coming unaware upon it, for daring uninvited to +listen to it.' + +"'Do you come for Mamma, sir?' said Miss Brough, with as much +graciousness as her physiognomy could command. 'I am Miss Brough, sir.' + +"'I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regarding my +business until you have sung another charming strain.' + +"She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, 'La! sir, what is your +business?' + +"'My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in this +house.' + +"'Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell, and +ringing it. 'John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the shrubbery; here is a +gentleman who wants to see her.' + +"'I know,' continued I, 'Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well as anyone, +madam; and aware that those and her education are not such as to make her +a fit companion for you. I know you do not like her: she has written to +us in Somersetshire that you do not like her.' + +"'What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?' cried Miss +Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate). 'If she does not +like us, why does she not leave us?' + +"'She _has_ made rather a long visit,' said I; 'and I am sure that her +nephew and niece are longing for her return. Pray, madam, do not move, +for you may aid me in the object for which I come.' + +"The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular +battle-royal between the two ladies; at the end of which I intended to +appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer to stay +in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy differences. +Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought,--Miss Belinda opening the fire, +by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been calumniating her to her +friends. But though at the end of it Miss rushed out of the room in a +rage, and vowed she would leave her home unless that odious woman left +it, your dear aunt said, 'Ha, ha! I know the minx's vile stratagems; +but, thank Heaven! I have a good heart, and my religion enables me to +forgive her. I shall not leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my +departure that worthy admirable man.' + +"I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. 'Your niece,' said I, +'Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, Sam says, rather +poorly,--qualmish of mornings, madam,--a little nervous, and low in +spirits,--symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a young +married person.' + +"Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would send Mrs. +Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would do her good. + +"With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last reserve +into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam my boy, now that the +matter is so long passed. 'Madam,' said I, 'there's a matter about which +I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare. I dined with your nephew +yesterday, and met at his table a young man--a young man of low manners, +but evidently one who has blinded your nephew, and I too much fear has +succeeded in making an impression upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, +madam; and when I state that he who was never in the house during your +presence there, has dined with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in +three weeks, I may leave you to imagine what I dare not--dare not imagine +myself.' + +"The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes more +was in my carriage, on our way back to London. There, sir, was not that +generalship?" + +"And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr. +Smithers," said I. + +"At your wife's expense, certainly; but for the benefit of both of you." + +"It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that the +affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, Mr. Smithers, I would +have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of!" + +But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her +relatives; and this was the reason why we took that house in Bernard +Street, the doings at which must now he described. + + + + +CHAPTER X + + +OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF + +We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my aunt +sent for all her furniture from the country; which would have filled two +such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young housekeepers, as we +had only to pay the carriage of the goods from Bristol. + +When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year's dividend, having not for +four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she gave me +50_l_. of the 80_l_., and told me that was ample pay for the board and +lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not eat more than a +sparrow. + +I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a pudding; +but she was rich and I could not complain. If she saved 600_l_. a year, +at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings would one day come +to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and tried to manage matters +as well as we might. It was no easy task to keep a mansion in Bernard +Street and save money out of 470_l_. a year, which was my income. But +what a lucky fellow I was to have such an income! + +As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr. Brough, +with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I should like to +have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the one was carrying the +other's prey off, out of his own very den, under his very nose. + +He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not leave +the house until she left it with him: that he had heard of his daughter's +infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears--"in tears, madam, and on her +knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!" But Mr. B. was obliged to leave +the house without my aunt, who had a _causa major_ for staying, and +hardly allowed poor Mary out of her sight,--opening every one of the +letters that came into the house directed to my wife, and suspecting hers +to everybody. Mary never told me of all this pain for many many years +afterwards; but had always a smiling face for her husband when he came +home from his work. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that +he never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived there; +but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as fond as he +was of me. + +Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with me. +He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before the gents of +the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that I was not only +a servant, but a considerable shareholder in the company; that I defied +him to find fault with my work or my regularity; and that I was not +minded to receive any insolent language from him or any man. He said it +was always so: that he had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but +the ingrate had turned on him; that he was accustomed to wrong and +undutifulness from his children, and that he would pray that the sin +might be forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing and swearing +at me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoeblack. But, look you, +I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's airs, or of +his. With me they might act as they thought fit; but I did not choose +that my wife should be passed over by them, as she had been in the matter +of the visit to Fulham. + +Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. "Beware of these men," +said he; "but for my honesty, your aunt's landed property would have been +sacrificed by these cormorants: and when, for her benefit--which you, +obstinate young man, will not perceive--I wished to dispose of her land, +her attorneys actually had the audacity--the unchristian avarice I may +say--to ask ten per cent. commission on the sale." + +There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when rogues +fall out, honest men come by their own: and now I began to suspect, I am +sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director had a little of the +rogue in their composition. It was especially about my wife's fortune +that Mr. B. showed _his_ cloven foot: for proposing, as usual, that I +should purchase shares with it in our Company, I told him that my wife +was a minor, and as such her little fortune was vested out of my control +altogether. He flung away in a rage at this; and I soon saw that he did +not care for me any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, +no more advances of money, had I: on the contrary, the private clerkship +at 150_l_. was abolished, and I found myself on my 250_l_. a year again. +Well, what then? it was always a good income, and I did my duty, and +laughed at the Director. + +About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer +Company shut up shop--exploded, as Gus said, with a bang! The Patent +Pump shares were down to 15_l_. upon a paid-up capital of 65_l_. Still +ours were at a high premium; and the Independent West Diddlesex held its +head up as proudly as any office in London. Roundhand's abuse had had +some influence against the Director, certainly; for he hinted at +malversation of shares: but the Company still stood as united as the Hand- +in-Hand, and as firm as the Rock. + +To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell Square: my +aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms; and my aunt's enormous old +jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and half the strings broken, +occupied three-fourths of the little drawing-room. Here used Mrs. H. to +sit, and play us, for hours, sonatas that were in fashion in Lord +Charleville's time; and sung with a cracked voice, till it was all that +we could do to refrain from laughing. + +And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs. +Hoggarty's character now: for whereas she was in the country among the +topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea-party at six +and a game of twopenny whist afterwards,--in London she would never dine +till seven; would have a fly from the mews to drive in the Park twice a +week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and twisted over and over, all her old +gowns, flounces, caps, and fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning +till night altering them to the present mode. Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, +appeared in a new wig; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a +pair of red cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people +in Bernard Street stare, where they are not as yet used to such fashions. + +Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery,--a boy, +that is, of about sixteen,--who was dressed in one of the old liveries +that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, decorated with new +cuffs and collars, and new buttons: on the latter were represented the +united crests of the Titmarshes and Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and +a hog in armour. I thought this livery and crest-button rather absurd, I +must confess; though my family is very ancient. And heavens! what a roar +of laughter was raised in the office one day, when the little servant in +the big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a message +from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty! Furthermore, all letters were +delivered on a silver tray. If we had had a baby, I believe Aunt would +have had it down on the tray: but there was as yet no foundation for Mr. +Smithers's insinuation upon that score, any more than for his other +cowardly fabrication before narrated. Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely +up and down the New Road, with the boy following with his great +gold-headed stick; but though there was all this ceremony and parade, and +Aunt still talked of her acquaintances, we did not see a single person +from week's end to week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could +hardly be found in London town. + +On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then just +built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre; and of evenings, to a +meeting-house of the Anabaptists: and that day, at least, Mary and I had +to ourselves,--for we chose to have seats at the Foundling, and heard the +charming music there, and my wife used to look wistfully in the pretty +children's faces,--and so, for the matter of that, did I. It was not, +however, till a year after our marriage that she spoke in a way which +shall be here passed over, but which filled both her and me with +inexpressible joy. + +I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the Muff and +Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of 300,000_l_. as some +said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty with some Indians, who +had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the Company. Some people said +there were no Indians, and no agent to be tomahawked at all; but that the +whole had been invented in a house in Crutched Friars. Well, I pitied +poor Tidd, whose 20,000_l_. were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in +the City that day with a most ghastly face. He had 1,000_l_. of debts, +he said, and talked of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and +passed a long time in the Fleet. Mary's delightful news, however, soon +put Tidd and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my head; as you may +fancy. + +Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed to +show that our Director was--what is not to be found in Johnson's +Dictionary--rather shaky. Three of his companies had broken; four more +were in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the meetings of the +directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words passed, which ended in +the retirement of several of the board. Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up +their places: Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, Mr. Query, and other respectable +gents, coming forward and joining the concern. Brough and Hoff dissolved +partnership; and Mr. B. said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. +W. D., and intended gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, +such an Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the +parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the +seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director of the +late companies. + +Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs. +Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to say, +although we had my Lord Tiptoff's word to the contrary, she insisted upon +it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related; and no sooner did she +read in the _Morning Post_ of the arrival of her Ladyship and her +granddaughters in London, than she ordered the fly before mentioned, and +left cards at their respective houses: her card, that is--"MRS. HOGGARTY +of CASTLE HOGGARTY," magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and +flourishes; and ours, viz., "Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had +printed for the purpose. + +She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way +upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to the contrary, had the footman +who received her card given her the least encouragement; but that +functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her appearance, placed +himself in the front of the door, and declared that he had positive +orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. On which Mrs. Hoggarty +clenched her fist out of the coach-window, and promised that she would +have him turned away. + +Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote a most +indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the insolence of +the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. Preston did not take any +notice of her letter, further than to return it, with a desire that he +might not be troubled with such impertinent visits for the future. A +pretty day we had of it when this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's +disappointment and rage in reading the contents; for when Solomon brought +up the note on the silver tea-tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. +Preston's seal and name at the corner of the letter (which is the common +way of writing adopted by those official gents)--my aunt, I say, seeing +his name and seal, cried, "_Now_, Mary, who is right?" and betted my wife +a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to dinner. She +never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but contented herself by +abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor-spirited sneak for not +instantly horsewhipping Mr. P. A pretty joke, indeed! They would have +hanged me in those days, as they did the man who shot Mr. Perceval. + +And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel life +which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty; but it must +be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting only for the brief +period of six months: and also, genteel society has been fully described +already by various authors of novels, whose names need not here be set +down, but who, being themselves connected with the aristocracy, viz., as +members of noble families, or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally +understand their subject a great deal better than a poor young fellow +from a fire-office can. + +There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. H. +would insist upon conducting us; and where, in a room of the +establishment called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents after the +music and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a pretty figure +did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big cane, among the +gentlemen of the shoulder-knot assembled in the lobby!)--where, I say, in +the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to +her, and insisted upon claiming relationship with her Ladyship. But my +Lady Drum had only a memory when she chose, as I may say, and had +entirely on this occasion thought fit to forget her connection with the +Titmarshes and Hoggarties. Far from recognising us, indeed, she called +Mrs. Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible for a +police-officer. + +This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this wicked +world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really serious +society. She formed several very valuable acquaintances, she said, at +the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon her friend of the +Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did not know then the interview which he +had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did Grimes think proper to acquaint us +with the particulars of it; but though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the +fact that her favourite preacher had been tried for forgery, _she_ +replied that she considered the story an atrocious calumny; and _he_ +answered by saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that +we should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of which +he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend gentleman's guidance +and advice, she, after a time, separated from St. Pancras +altogether--"_sat under him_," as the phrase is, regularly thrice a +week--began to labour in the conversion of the poor of Bloomsbury and St. +Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen for distribution among those +benighted people. She did not make any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, +who now showed signs that such would be speedily necessary, but let Mary +(and my mother and sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite +for the coming event. I am not, indeed, sure that she did not say it was +wrong on our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let +the morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend Grimes Wapshot +drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined there even +oftener than poor Gus used to do. + +But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I must +confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my circumstances, +and was much harassed both as a private and public character. + +As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50_l_.; but out of that +50_l_. I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, all the carriage +of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, and carpeting of +my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the Reverend Grimes and +his friends (for the reverend gent said that Rosolio did not agree with +him); and finally, a thousand small bills and expenses incident to all +housekeepers in the town of London. + +Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of cash, +Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs. Howell and James's ditto, the account +of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for the setting of the +diamond pin. All these bills arrived in a week, as they have a knack of +doing; and fancy my astonishment in presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, +when she said, "Well, my dear, you are in the receipt of a very fine +income. If you choose to order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, +you must pay for them; and don't expect that _I_ am to abet your +extravagance, or give you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay +you for board and lodging!" + +How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary in +such a delicate condition? And bad as matters were at home, I am sorry +to say at the office they began to look still worse. + +Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego became +head clerk: and one day old Abednego came to the place and was shown into +the directors' private room; when he left it, he came trembling, +chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun, "Shentlemen--" a +speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr. Brough, with an +imploring look, and crying out, "Stop till Saturday!" at length got him +into the street. + +On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became head +clerk with 400_l_. a year salary. It was a fatal week for the office, +too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the head desk, and my +first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the first thing I read was, +"Frightful fire in Houndsditch! Total destruction of Mr. Meshach's +sealing-wax manufactory and of Mr. Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining. +In the former was 20,000_l_. worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the +voracious element attacked and devoured in a twinkling. The latter +estimable gentleman had just completed forty thousand suits of clothes +for the cavalry of H.H. the Cacique of Poyais." + +Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, were +insured in our office to the full amount of their loss. The calamity was +attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish watchman, who was +employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle of whisky in the +warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously looked for the liquor +with a lighted candle. The man was brought to our office by his +employers; and certainly, as we all could testify, was _even then_ in a +state of frightful intoxication. + +As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the demise +of Alderman Pash--Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him in our lighter +hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such a moment as this was +no time for joking! He was insured by our house for 5,000_l_. And now I +saw very well the truth of a remark of Gus's--viz., that life-assurance +companies go on excellently for a year or two after their establishment, +but that it is much more difficult to make them profitable when the +assured parties begin to die. + +The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the +Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the Company +of 80,000_l_., and though the Patent Erostratus Match Manufactory had +exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000_l_., there were those who +said that the loss had not been near so heavy as was supposed--nay, that +the Company had burnt the above-named establishments as advertisements +for themselves. Of these facts I can't be positive, having never seen +the early accounts of the concern. + +Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as dismal +as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and-four, laughing +and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the door. + +"Gentlemen!" said he, "you have read the papers; they announce an event +which I most deeply deplore. I mean the demise of the excellent Alderman +Pash, one of our constituents. But if anything can console me for the +loss of that worthy man, it is to think that his children and widow will +receive, at eleven o'clock next Saturday, 5,000_l_. from my friend Mr. +Titmarsh, who is now head clerk here. As for the accident which has +happened to Messrs. Shadrach and Meshach,--in _that_, at least, there is +nothing that can occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as +soon as the particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, +my friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of +forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds--according to the +amount of their loss. _They_, at least, will be remunerated; and though +to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, yet we can +afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can afford it himself, for the matter +of that, and not be very much embarrassed; and we must learn to bear ill- +fortune as we have hitherto borne good, and show ourselves to be men +always!" + +Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like to +give here; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common worldly +matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring it to bear +witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious hypocrite does, is such a +frightful crime, that one should be careful even in alluding to it. + +Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the newspapers of that +very evening; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for none of our +gents left the office that day until the evening papers had appeared. But +there was the speech--ay, and at the week's end, although Roundhand was +heard on 'Change that day declaring he would bet five to one that +Alderman Pash's money would never be paid,--at the week's end the money +was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor across the counter, and no doubt +Roundhand lost his money. + +Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no harm in +mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of time; and +moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead. + +As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's room, +and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his confidence. + +"Titmarsh my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in the +face, "did you ever hear of the fate of the great Mr. Silberschmidt of +London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silberschmidt, the Rothschild of his day +(indeed I have heard the latter famous gent was originally a clerk in +Silberschmidt's house)--Silberschmidt, fancying he could not meet his +engagements, committed suicide; and had he lived till four o'clock that +day, would have known that he was worth 400,000_l_. "To tell you frankly +the truth," says Mr. B., "I am in Silberschmidt's case. My late partner, +Hoff, has given bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount, and +I have been obliged to meet them. I have been cast in fourteen actions, +brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer Company; and all the +debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth. Now, +unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the long and short of the matter is +that if I cannot procure 5,000_l_. before Saturday, _our concern is +ruined_!" + +"What! the West Diddlesex ruined?" says I, thinking of my poor mother's +annuity. "Impossible! our business is splendid!" + +"We must have 5,000_l_. on Saturday, and we are saved; and if you will, +as you can, get it for me, I will give you 10,000_l_. for the money!" + +B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and his own +private account; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt, that with the +5,000_l_. our office must be set a-going; and without it, that the +concern must stop. No matter how he proved the thing; but there is, you +know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but leave to use figures, +and he will prove anything. + +I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she seemed +not to be disinclined. I told him so; and that day he called upon her, +his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon her, and once more the +Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our house. + +But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager; and, instead of carrying matters with +a high hand, fairly burst into tears before Mrs. Hoggarty, and went down +on her knees and besought her to save dear John. This at once aroused my +aunt's suspicions; and instead of lending the money, she wrote off to Mr. +Smithers instantly to come up to her, desired me to give her up the +3,000_l_. scrip shares that I possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and +heartless swindler, and vowed I had been the cause of her ruin. + +How was Mr. Brough to get the money? I will tell you. Being in his room +one day, old Gates the Fulham porter came and brought him from Mr. Balls, +the pawnbroker, a sum of 1,200_l_. Missus told him, he said, to carry +the plate to Mr. Balls; and having paid the money, old Gates fumbled a +great deal in his pockets, and at last pulled out a 5_l_. note, which he +said his daughter Jane had just sent him from service, and begged Mr. B. +would let him have another share in the Company. "He was mortal sure it +would go right yet. And when he heard master crying and cursing as he +and missus were walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want of +a few pounds--a few shillings--the finest fortune in Europe was to be +overthrown, why Gates and his woman thought that they should come +for'ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest master and +missus ever was." + +This was the substance of Gates's speech; and Mr. Brough shook his hand +and--took the 5_l_. "Gates," said he, "that 5_l_. note shall be the best +outlay you ever made in your life!" and I have no doubt it was,--but it +was in heaven that poor old Gates was to get the interest of his little +mite. + +Nor was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss Dough, who +had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever since he had risen to +be a great man, came to the office with a power of attorney, and said, +"John, Isabella has been with me this morning, and says you want money, +and I have brought you my 4,000_l_.; it is all I have, John, and pray God +it may do you good--you and my dear sister, who was the best sister in +the world to me--till--till a little time ago." + +And she laid down the paper: I was called up to witness it, and Brough, +with tears in his eyes, told me her words; for he could trust me, he +said. And thus it was that I came to be present at Gates's interview +with his master, which took place only an hour afterwards. Brave Mrs. +Brough! how she was working for her husband! Good woman, and kind! but +_you_ had a true heart, and merited a better fate! Though wherefore say +so? The woman, to this day, thinks her husband an angel, and loves him a +thousand times better for his misfortunes. + +On Saturday, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me across the counter, +as I said. "Never mind your aunt's money, Titmarsh my boy," said Brough: +"never mind her having resumed her shares. You are a true honest fellow; +you have never abused me like that pack of curs downstairs, and I'll make +your fortune yet!" + +* * * * * + +The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, and with +Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea comfortably, a knock was heard at the door, +and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the parlour. It was Mr. +Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as a shareholder of the +Independent West Diddlesex Association, at the suit of Von Stiltz of +Clifford Street, tailor and draper. + +I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven's sake not to tell Mary. + +"Where is Brough?" says Mr. Smithers. + +"Why," says Mr. Aminadab, "he's once more of the firm of Brough and Off, +sir--he breakfasted at Calais this morning!" + + + + +CHAPTER XI + + +IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND AND YET BE VERY HARD +PRESSED FOR A DINNER + +On that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackney-coach, fetched from the +Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable house and my dear little wife; +whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might. He said that I was +compelled to take a journey upon business connected with the office; and +my poor Mary made up a little portmanteau of clothes, and tied a +comforter round my neck, and bade my companion particularly to keep the +coach windows shut: which injunction the grinning wretch promised to +obey. Our journey was not long: it was only a shilling fare to Cursitor +Street, Chancery Lane, and there I was set down. + +The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of half-a- +dozen in that street which were used for the same purpose. No man, be he +ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I think, without a +shudder. The front windows are barred, and on the dingy pillar of the +door was a shining brass-plate, setting forth that "Aminadab, Officer to +the Sheriff of Middlesex," lived therein. A little red-haired Israelite +opened the first door as our coach drove up, and received me and my +baggage. + +As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself in the +face of another huge door, which was strongly locked; and, at last, +passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house. + +There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand other +houses in our dark City of London. There was a dirty passage and a dirty +stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into two filthy rooms, +which had strong bars at the windows, and yet withal an air of horrible +finery that makes me uncomfortable to think of even yet. On the walls +hung all sorts of trumpery pictures in tawdry frames (how different from +those capital performances of my cousin Michael Angelo!); on the +mantelpiece huge French clocks, vases, and candlesticks; on the +sideboards, enormous trays of Birmingham plated ware: for Mr. Aminadab +not only arrested those who could not pay money, but lent it to those who +could; and had already, in the way of trade, sold and bought these +articles many times over. + +I agreed to take the back-parlour for the night, and while a Hebrew +damsel was arranging a little dusky sofa-bedstead (woe betide him who has +to sleep on it!) I was invited into the front parlour, where Mr. +Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I should have a dinner for +nothing with a party who had just arrived. I did not want for dinner, +but I was glad not to be alone--not alone, even till Gus came; for whom I +despatched a messenger to his lodgings hard by. + +I found there, in the front parlour, at eight o'clock in the evening, +four gentlemen, just about to sit down to dinner. Surprising! there was +Mr. B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only within half-an-hour arrived +in a post-chaise with his companion, Mr. Lock, an officer of Horsham +gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in this wise:--He was a careless good-humoured +gentleman, and had indorsed bills to a large amount for a friend; who, a +man of high family and unquestionable honour, had pledged the latter, +along with a number of the most solemn oaths, for the payment of the +bills in question. Having indorsed the notes, young Mr. B., with a +proper thoughtlessness, forgot all about them, and so, by some chance, +did the friend whom he obliged; for, instead of being in London with the +money for the payment of his obligations, this latter gentleman was +travelling abroad, and never hinted one word to Mr. B. that the notes +would fall upon him. The young gentleman was at Brighton lying sick of a +fever; was taken from his bed by a bailiff, and carried, on a rainy day, +to Horsham gaol; had a relapse of his complaint, and when sufficiently +recovered, was brought up to London to the house of Mr. Aminadab; where I +found him--a pale, thin, good-humoured, _lost_ young man: he was lying on +a sofa, and had given orders for the dinner to which I was invited. The +lad's face gave one pain to look at; it was impossible not to see that +his hours were numbered. + +Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story; but I can't help +mentioning him, as I saw him. He sent for his lawyer and his doctor; the +former settled speedily his accounts with the bailiff, and the latter +arranged all his earthly accounts: for after he went from the spunging- +house he never recovered from the shock of the arrest, and in a few weeks +he _died_. And though this circumstance took place many years ago, I +can't forget it to my dying day; and often see the author of Mr. B.'s +death,--a prosperous gentleman, riding a fine horse in the Park, lounging +at the window of a club; with many friends, no doubt, and a good +reputation. I wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with a good +appetite? I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.'s heirs the sum which that +gentleman paid, and _died for_? + +If Mr. B.'s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only inserted +here for the sake of a moral, what business have I to mention particulars +of the dinner to which I was treated by that gentleman, in the spunging- +house in Cursitor Street? Why, for the moral too; and therefore the +public must be told of what really and truly that dinner consisted. + +There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup: viz., +mock-turtle soup, ox-tail soup, and giblet soup. Next came a great piece +of salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a roast saddle of +mutton, roast game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In this way can a +gentleman live in a spunging-house if he be inclined; and over this +repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let alone having dined, +my heart was full of care)--over this meal my friend Gus Hoskins found +me, when he received the letter that I had despatched to him. + +Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart failed him as +the red-headed young Moses opened and shut for him the numerous iron +outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind a bottle of claret, in a +room blazing with gilt lamps; the curtains were down too, and you could +not see the bars at the windows; and Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton +officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another rich gentleman of his trade and +religious persuasion, were chirping as merrily, and looked as +respectably, as any noblemen in the land. + +"Have him in," said Mr. B., "if he's a friend of Mr. Titmarsh's; for, +cuss me, I like to see a rogue: and run me through, Titmarsh, but I think +you are one of the best in London. You beat Brough; you do, by Jove! for +he looks like a rogue--anybody would swear to him; but you! by Jove, you +look the very picture of honesty!" + +"A deep file," said Aminadab, winking and pointing me out to his friend +Mr. Jehoshaphat. + +"A good one," says Jehoshaphat. + +"In for three hundred thousand pound," says Aminadab: "Brough's right- +hand man, and only three-and-twenty." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your 'ealth, sir," says Mr. Lock, in an ecstasy of +admiration. "Your very good 'earth, sir, and better luck to you next +time." + +"Pooh, pooh! _he's_ all right," says Aminadab; "let _him_ alone." + +"In for _what_?" shouted I, quite amazed. "Why, sir, you arrested me for +90_l_." + +"Yes, but you are in for half a million,--you know you are. _Them_ debts +I don't count--them paltry tradesmen's accounts. I mean Brough's +business. It's an ugly one; but you'll get through it. We all know you; +and I lay my life that when you come through the court, Mrs. Titmarsh has +got a handsome thing laid by." + +"Mrs. Titmarsh has a small property," says I. "What then?" + +The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a "rum chap"--a +"downy cove," and made other remarks which I could not understand then; +but the meaning of which I have since comprehended, for they took me to +be a great rascal, I am sorry to say, and supposed that I had robbed the +I. W. D. Association, and, in order to make my money secure, settled it +on my wife. + +It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus came in; +and whew! when he saw what was going on, he gave _such_ a whistle! + +"Herr von Joel, by Jove!" says Aminadab. At which all laughed. + +"Sit down," says Mr. B.,--"sit down, and wet your whistle, my piper! I +say, egad! you're the piper that played before Moses! Had you there, +Dab. Dab, get a fresh bottle of Burgundy for Mr. Hoskins." And before +he knew where he was, there was Gus for the first time in his life +drinking Clos-Vougeot. Gus said he had never tasted Bergamy before, at +which the bailiff sneered, and told him the name of the wine. + +"_Old Clo_! What?" says Gus; and we laughed: but the Hebrew gents did +not this time. + +"Come, come, sir!" says Mr. Aminadab's friend, "ve're all shentlemen +here, and shentlemen never makish reflexunsh upon other gentlemen'sh +pershuashunsh." + +After this feast was concluded, Gus and I retired to my room to consult +about my affairs. With regard to the responsibility incurred as a +shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy; for though the +matter might cause me a little trouble at first, I knew I was not a +shareholder; that the shares were scrip shares, making the dividend +payable to the bearer; and my aunt had called back her shares, and +consequently I was free. But it was very unpleasant to me to consider +that I was in debt nearly a hundred pounds to tradesmen, chiefly of Mrs. +Hoggarty's recommendation; and as she had promised to be answerable for +their bills, I determined to send her a letter reminding her of her +promise, and begging her at the same time to relieve me from Mr. Von +Stiltz's debt, for which I was arrested: and which was incurred not +certainly at her desire, but at Mr. Brough's; and would never have been +incurred by me but at the absolute demand of that gentleman. + +I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debts, and +promised myself on Monday morning again to be with my dear wife. Gus +carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Bernhard Street +after church-time; taking care that Mary should know nothing at all of +the painful situation in which I was placed. It was near midnight when +we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could in the dirty little +sofa-bedstead of Mr. Aminadab's back-parlour. + +That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells ringing +cheerfully for church, and longed to be walking to the Foundling with my +wife: but there were the three iron doors between me and liberty, and I +had nothing for it but to read my prayers in my own room, and walk up and +down afterwards in the court at the back of the house. Would you believe +it? This very court was like a cage! Great iron bars covered it in from +one end to another; and here it was that Mr. Aminadab's gaol-birds took +the air. + +They had seen me reading out of the prayer-book at the back-parlour +window, and all burst into a yell of laughter when I came to walk in the +cage. One of them shouted out "Amen!" when I appeared; another called me +a muff (which means, in the slang language, a very silly fellow); a third +wondered that I took to my prayer-book _yet_. + +"When do you mean, sir?" says I to the fellow--a rough man, a +horse-dealer. + +"Why, when you are going _to be hanged_, you young hypocrite!" says the +man. "But that is always the way with Brough's people," continued he. "I +had four greys once for him--a great bargain, but he would not go to look +at them at Tattersall's, nor speak a word of business about them, because +it was a Sunday." + +"Because there are hypocrites," sir, says I, "religion is not to be +considered a bad thing; and if Mr. Brough would not deal with you on a +Sunday, he certainly did his duty." + +The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently considered me +a great criminal. I was glad to be released from their society by the +appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore very long faces. They +were ushered into my room, and, without any orders of mine, a bottle of +wine and biscuits were brought in by Mr. Aminadab; which I really thought +was very kind of him. + +"Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh," says Smithers, "and read this +letter. A pretty note was that which you sent to your aunt this morning, +and here you have an answer to it." + +I drank the wine, and trembled rather as I read as follows:-- + + "Sir,--If, because you knew I had desined to leave you my proparty, + you wished to murdar me, and so stepp into it, you are dissapointed. + Your _villiany_ and _ingratitude would_ have murdard me, had I not, by + Heaven's grace, been inabled to look for consalation _elsewhere_. + + "For nearly a year I have been a _martar_ to you. I gave up + everything,--my happy home in the country, where all respected the + name of Hoggarty; my valuble furnitur and wines; my plate, glass, and + crockry; I brought all--all to make your home happy and rispectable. I + put up with the _airs and impertanencies_ of Mrs. Titmarsh; I loaded + her and you with presents and bennafits. I sacrafised myself; I gave + up the best sociaty in the land, to witch I have been accustomed, in + order to be a gardian and compannion to you, and prevent, if possible, + that _waist and ixtravygance_ which I _prophycied_ would be your ruin. + Such waist and ixtravygance never, never, never did I see. Buttar + waisted as if it had been dirt, coles flung away, candles burnt _at + both ends_, tea and meat the same. The butcher's bill in this house + was enough to support six famalies. + + "And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly for + your crimes,--for cheating me of 3,000_l_., for robbing your mother of + an insignificient summ, which to her, poor thing, was everything + (though she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her life next + door to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot pay, wherein + you knew that your miserable income was quite unable to support your + ixtravygance--you come upon me to pay your detts! No, sir, it is + quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, and that your + wife should sweep the streets, to which you have indeed brought them; + _I_, at least, though cheated by you of a large summ, and obliged to + pass my days in comparative ruin, can retire, and have some of the + comforts to which my rank entitles me. The furnitur in this house is + mine; and as I presume you intend _your lady_ to sleep in the streets, + I give you warning that I shall remove it all tomorrow. + + "Mr. Smithers will tell you that I had intended to leave you my intire + fortune. I have this morning, in his presents, solamly toar up my + will; and hereby renounce all connection with you and your beggarly + family. + + "SUSAN HOGGARTY. + + "P.S.--I took a viper into my bosom, _and it stung me_." + +I confess that, on the first reading of this letter, I was in such a fury +that I forgot almost the painful situation in which it plunged me, and +the ruin hanging over me. + +"What a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter!" said Mr. +Smithers. "You have cut your own throat, sir,--lost a fine +property,--written yourself out of five hundred a year. Mrs. Hoggarty, +my client, brought the will, as she says, downstairs, and flung it into +the fire before our faces." + +"It's a blessing that your wife was from home," added Gus. "She went to +church this morning with Dr. Salt's family, and sent word that she would +spend the day with them. She was always glad to be away from Mrs. H., +you know." + +"She never knew on which side her bread was buttered," said Mr. Smithers. +"You should have taken the lady when she was in the humour, sir, and have +borrowed the money elsewhere. Why, sir, I had almost reconciled her to +her loss in that cursed Company. I showed her how I had saved out of +Brough's claws the whole of her remaining fortune; which he would have +devoured in a day, the scoundrel! And if you would have left the matter +to me, Mr. Titmarsh, I would have had you reconciled completely to Mrs. +Hoggarty; I would have removed all your difficulties; I would have lent +you the pitiful sum of money myself." + +"Will you?" says Gus; "that's a trump!" and he seized Smithers's hand, +and squeezed it so that the tears came into the attorney's eyes. + +"Generous fellow!" said I; "lend me money, when you know what a situation +I am in, and not able to pay!" + +"Ay, my good sir, there's the rub!" says Mr. Smithers. "I said I _would_ +have lent the money; and so to the acknowledged heir of Mrs. Hoggarty I +would--would at this moment; for nothing delights the heart of Bob +Smithers more than to do a kindness. I would have rejoiced in doing it; +and a mere acknowledgment from that respected lady would have amply +sufficed. But now, sir, the case is altered,--you have no security to +offer, as you justly observe." + +"Not a whit, certainly." + +"And without security, sir, of course can expect no money--of course not. +You are a man of the world, Mr. Titmarsh, and I see our notions exactly +agree." + +"There's his wife's property," says Gus. + +"Wife's property? Bah! Mrs. Sam Titmarsh is a minor, and can't touch a +shilling of it. No, no, no meddling with minors for me! But stop!--your +mother has a house and shop in our village. Get me a mortgage of that--" + +"I'll do no such thing, sir," says I. "My mother has suffered quite +enough on my score already, and has my sisters to provide for; and I will +thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a syllable to her regarding my +present situation." + +"You speak like a man of honour, sir," says Mr. Smithers, "and I will +obey your injunctions to the letter. I will do more, sir. I will +introduce you to a respectable firm here, my worthy friends, Messrs. +Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, who will do everything in their power to +serve you. And so, sir, I wish you a very good morning." + +And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room; and after a +further consultation with my aunt, as I heard afterwards, quitted London +that evening by the mail. + +I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently to my +wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should speak of it abruptly to her; as I +knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an hour panting back, to +say that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her trunks, and had gone off in a +hackney-coach. So, knowing that my poor Mary was not to return till +night, Hoskins remained with me till then; and, after a dismal day, left +me once more at nine, to carry the dismal tidings to her. + +At ten o'clock on that night there was a great rattling and ringing at +the outer door, and presently my poor girl fell into my arms; and Gus +Hoskins sat blubbering in a corner, as I tried my best to console her. + +* * * * * + +The next morning I was favoured with a visit from Mr. Blatherwick; who, +hearing from me that I had only three guineas in my pocket, told me very +plainly that lawyers only lived by fees. He recommended me to quit +Cursitor Street, as living there was very expensive. And as I was +sitting very sad, my wife made her appearance (it was with great +difficulty that she could be brought to leave me the night previous)-- + +"The horrible men came at four this morning," said she; "four hours +before light." + +"What horrible men?" says I. + +"Your aunt's men," said she, "to remove the furniture they had it all +packed before I came away. And I let them carry all," said she; "I was +too sad to look what was ours and what was not. That odious Mr. Wapshot +was with them; and I left him seeing the last waggon-load from the door. +I have only brought away your clothes," added she, "and a few of mine; +and some of the books you used to like to read; and some--some things I +have been getting for the--for the baby. The servants' wages were paid +up to Christmas; and I paid them the rest. And see! just as I was going +away, the post came, and brought to me my half-year's income--35_l_., +dear Sam. Isn't it a blessing?" + +"Will you pay my bill, Mr. What-d'ye-call-'im?" here cried Mr. Aminadab, +flinging open the door (he had been consulting with Mr. Blatherwick, I +suppose). "I want the room for _a gentleman_. I guess it's too dear for +the like of you." And here--will you believe it?--the man handed me a +bill of three guineas for two days' board and lodging in his odious +house. + +* * * * * + +There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, and had +I been alone I should have been ashamed of seeing them; but, as it was, I +was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was leaning trustfully on my +arm, and smiling like heaven into my face--ay, and _took_ heaven, too, +into the Fleet prison with me--or an angel out of heaven. Ah! I had +loved her before, and happy it is to love when one is hopeful and young +in the midst of smiles and sunshine; but be _un_happy, and then see what +it is to be loved by a good woman! I declare before Heaven, that of all +the joys and happy moments it has given me, that was the crowning +one--that little ride, with my wife's cheek on my shoulder, down Holborn +to the prison! Do you think I cared for the bailiff that sat opposite? +No, by the Lord! I kissed her, and hugged her--yes, and cried with her +likewise. But before our ride was over her eyes dried up, and she +stepped blushing and happy out of the coach at the prison door, as if she +were a princess going to the Queen's Drawing-room. + + + + +CHAPTER XII + + +IN WHICH THE HERO'S AUNT'S DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE HERO'S +UNCLE + +The failure of the great Diddlesex Association speedily became the theme +of all the newspapers, and every person concerned in it was soon held up +to public abhorrence as a rascal and a swindler. It was said that Brough +had gone off with a million of money. Even it was hinted that poor I had +sent a hundred thousand pounds to America, and only waited to pass +through the court in order to be a rich man for the rest of my days. This +opinion had some supporters in the prison; where, strange to say, it +procured me consideration--of which, as may be supposed, I was little +inclined to avail myself. Mr. Aminadab, however, in his frequent visits +to the Fleet, persisted in saying that I was a poor-spirited creature, a +mere tool in Brough's hands, and had not saved a shilling. Opinions, +however, differed; and I believe it was considered by the turnkeys that I +was a fellow of exquisite dissimulation, who had put on the appearance of +poverty in order more effectually to mislead the public. + +Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public odium: and, in +fact, what were the exact dealings of these gentlemen with Mr. Brough I +have never been able to learn. It was proved by the books that large +sums of money had been paid to Mr. Abednego by the Company; but he +produced documents signed by Mr. Brough, which made the latter and the +West Diddlesex Association his debtors to a still further amount. On the +day I went to the Bankruptcy Court to be examined, Mr. Abednego and the +two gentlemen from Houndsditch were present to swear to their debts, and +made a sad noise, and uttered a vast number of oaths in attestation of +their claim. But Messrs. Jackson and Paxton produced against them that +very Irish porter who was said to have been the cause of the fire, and, I +am told, hinted that they had matter for hanging the Jewish gents if they +persisted in their demand. On this they disappeared altogether, and no +more was ever heard of their losses. I am inclined to believe that our +Director had had money from Abednego--had given him shares as bonus and +security--had been suddenly obliged to redeem these shares with ready +money; and so had precipitated the ruin of himself and the concern. It +is needless to say here in what a multiplicity of companies Brough was +engaged. That in which poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did not pay +2_d_. in the pound; and that was the largest dividend paid by any of +them. + +As for ours--ah! there was a pretty scene as I was brought from the Fleet +to the Bankruptcy Court, to give my testimony as late head clerk and +accountant of the West Diddlesex Association. + +My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompanying me to +Basinghall Street; and so did my friend Gus Hoskins, that true and honest +fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was assembled, and the hubbub +that was made as I was brought up! + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Commissioner as I came to the table, with a +peculiar sarcastic accent on the Tit--"Mr. Titmarsh, you were the +confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk of Mr. Brough, and a +considerable shareholder in the Company?" + +"Only a nominal one, sir," said I. + +"Of course, only nominal," continued the Commissioner, turning to his +colleague with a sneer; "and a great comfort it must be to you, sir, to +think that you had a share in all the plun--the profits of the +speculation, and now can free yourself from the losses, by saying you are +only a nominal shareholder." + +"The infernal villain!" shouted out a voice from the crowd. It was that +of the furious half-pay captain and late shareholder, Captain Sparr. + +"Silence in the court there!" the Commissioner continued: and all this +while Mary was anxiously looking in his face, and then in mine, as pale +as death; while Gus, on the contrary, was as red as vermilion. "Mr. +Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune to see a list of your debts from +the Insolvent Court, and find that you are indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the +great tailor, in a handsome sum; to Mr. Polonius, the celebrated +jeweller, likewise; to fashionable milliners and dressmakers, +moreover;--and all this upon a salary of 200_l_. per annum. For so young +a gentleman it must be confessed you have employed your time well." + +"Has this anything to do with the question, sir?" says I. "Am I here to +give an account of my private debts, or to speak as to what I know +regarding the affairs of the Company? As for my share in it, I have a +mother, sir, and many sisters--" + +"The d-d scoundrel!" shouts the Captain. + +"Silence that there fellow!" shouts Gus, as bold as brass; at which the +court burst out laughing, and this gave me courage to proceed. + +"My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of 400_l_. left to +her, advised with her solicitor, Mr. Smithers, how she should dispose of +this sum; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was just then +established, the money was placed in an annuity in that office, where I +procured a clerkship. You may suppose me a very hardened criminal, +because I have ordered clothes of Mr. Von Stiltz; but you will hardly +fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew anything of the concerns of the +Company into whose service I entered as twentieth clerk, my own mother's +money paying, as it were, for my place. Well, sir, the interest offered +by the Company was so tempting, that a rich relative of mine was induced +to purchase a number of shares." + +"Who induced your relative, if I may make so bold as to inquire?" + +"I can't help owning, sir," says I, blushing, "that I wrote a letter +myself. But consider, my relative was sixty years old, and I was twenty- +one. My relative took several months to consider, and had the advice of +her lawyers before she acceded to my request. And I made it at the +instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated the letter which I wrote, and who +I really thought then was as rich as Mr. Rothschild himself." + +"Your friend placed her money in your name; and you, if I mistake not, +Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed over the heads of twelve of your +fellow-clerks as a reward for your service in obtaining it?" + +"It is very true, sir,"--and, as I confessed it, poor Mary began to wipe +her eyes, and Gus's ears (I could not see his face) looked like two red- +hot muffins--"it's quite true, sir; and, as matters have turned out, I am +heartily sorry for what I did. But at the time I thought I could serve +my aunt as well as myself; and you must remember, then, how high our +shares were." + +"Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were straightway taken +into Mr. Brough's confidence. You were received into his house, and from +third clerk speedily became head clerk; in which post you were found at +the disappearance of your worthy patron!" + +"Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure; but here are a +hundred of our shareholders, and I'm not unwilling to make a clean breast +of it," said I, pressing Mary's hand. "I certainly was the head clerk. +And why? Because the other gents left the office. I certainly was +received into Mr. Brough's house. And why? Because, sir, my aunt _had +more money to lay out_. I see it all clearly now, though I could not +understand it then; and the proof that Mr. Brough wanted my aunt's money, +and not me, is that, when she came to town, our Director carried her by +force out of my house to Fulham, and never so much as thought of asking +me or my wife thither. Ay, sir, and he would have had her remaining +money, had not her lawyer from the country prevented her disposing of it. +Before the concern finally broke, and as soon as she heard there was +doubt concerning it, she took back her shares--scrip shares they were, +sir, as you know--and has disposed of them as she thought fit. Here, +sir, and gents," says I, "you have the whole of the history as far as +regards me. In order to get her only son a means of livelihood, my +mother placed her little money with the Company--it is lost. My aunt +invested larger sums with it, which were to have been mine one day, and +they are lost too; and here am I, at the end of four years, a disgraced +and ruined man. Is there anyone present, however much he has suffered by +the failure of the Company, that has had worse fortune through it than +I?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more friendly way, and +at the same time casting a glance at a newspaper reporter that was +sitting hard by, "your story is not likely to get into the newspapers; +for, as you say, it is a private affair, which you had no need to speak +of unless you thought proper, and may be considered as a confidential +conversation between us and the other gentlemen here. But if it _could_ +be made public, it might do some good, and warn people, if they _will_ be +warned, against the folly of such enterprises as that in which you have +been engaged. It is quite clear from your story, that you have been +deceived as grossly as anyone of the persons present. But look you, sir, +if you had not been so eager after gain, I think you would not have +allowed yourself to be deceived, and would have kept your relative's +money, and inherited it, according to your story, one day or other. +Directly people expect to make a large interest, their judgment seems to +desert them; and because they wish for profit, they think they are sure +of it, and disregard all warnings and all prudence. Besides the hundreds +of honest families who have been ruined by merely placing confidence in +this Association of yours, and who deserve the heartiest pity, there are +hundreds more who have embarked in it, like yourself, not for investment, +but for speculation; and these, upon my word, deserve the fate they have +met with. As long as dividends are paid, no questions are asked; and Mr. +Brough might have taken the money for his shareholders on the high-road, +and they would have pocketed it, and not been too curious. But what's +the use of talking?" says Mr. Commissioner, in a passion: "here is one +rogue detected, and a thousand dupes made; and if another swindler starts +to-morrow, there will be a thousand more of his victims round this table +a year hence; and so, I suppose, to the end. And now let's go to +business, gentlemen, and excuse this sermon." + +After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, other gents +who were employed in the concern were examined; and I went back to +prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We had to pass through the +crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as I saw, amongst a score of +others, poor Gates, Brough's porter, who had advanced every shilling to +his master, and was now, with ten children, houseless and penniless in +his old age. Captain Sparr was in this neighbourhood, but by no means so +friendly disposed; for while Gates touched his hat, as if I had been a +lord, the little Captain came forward threatening with his bamboo-cane +and swearing with great oaths that I was an accomplice of Brough. "Curse +you for a smooth-faced scoundrel!" says he. "What business have you to +ruin an English gentleman, as you have me?" And again he advanced with +his stick. But this time, officer as he was, Gus took him by the collar, +and shoved him back, and said, "Look at the lady, you brute, and hold +your tongue!" And when he looked at my wife's situation, Captain Sparr +became redder for shame than he had before been for anger. "I'm sorry +she's married to such a good-for-nothing," muttered he, and fell back; +and my poor wife and I walked out of the court, and back to our dismal +room in the prison. + +It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to be confined in; and +I longed to have some of my relatives with her when her time should come. +But her grandmother could not leave the old lieutenant; and my mother had +written to say that, as Mrs. Hoggarty was with us, she was quite as well +at home with her children. "What a blessing it is for you, under your +misfortunes," continued the good soul, "to have the generous purse of +your aunt for succour!" Generous purse of my aunt, indeed! Where could +Mrs. Hoggarty be? It was evident that she had not written to any of her +friends in the country, nor gone thither, as she threatened. + +But as my mother had already lost so much money through my unfortunate +luck, and as she had enough to do with her little pittance to keep my +sisters at home; and as, on hearing of my condition, she would infallibly +have sold her last gown to bring me aid, Mary and I agreed that we would +not let her know what our real condition was--bad enough! Heaven knows, +and sad and cheerless. Old Lieutenant Smith had likewise nothing but his +half-pay and his rheumatism; so we were, in fact, quite friendless. + +That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me like +recollections of some fever. What an awful place!--not for the sadness, +strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of it; for the long +prison galleries were, I remember, full of life and a sort of grave +bustle. All day and all night doors were clapping to and fro; and you +heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. Next door to our room +was one where a man sold gin, under the name of _tape_; and here, from +morning till night, the people kept up a horrible revelry;--and sang--sad +songs some of them: but my dear little girl was, thank God! unable to +understand the most part of their ribaldry. She never used to go out +till nightfall; and all day she sat working at a little store of caps and +dresses for the expected stranger--and not, she says to this day, +unhappy. But the confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy +country air, and she grew daily paler and paler. + +The Fives Court was opposite our window; and here I used, very +unwillingly at first, but afterwards, I do confess, with much eagerness, +to take a couple of hours' daily sport. Ah! it was a strange place. +There was an aristocracy there as elsewhere,--amongst other gents, a son +of my Lord Deuce-ace; and many of the men in the prison were as eager to +walk with him, and talked of his family as knowingly, as if they were +Bond Street bucks. Poor Tidd, especially, was one of these. Of all his +fortune he had nothing left but a dressing-case and a flowered dressing- +gown; and to these possessions he added a fine pair of moustaches, with +which the poor creature strutted about; and though cursing his ill +fortune, was, I do believe, as happy whenever his friends brought him a +guinea, as he had been during his brief career as a gentleman on town. I +have seen sauntering dandies in watering-places ogling the women, +watching eagerly for steamboats and stage-coaches as if their lives +depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets up and down the +public walks. Well, there are such fellows in prison: quite as dandified +and foolish, only a little more shabby--dandies with dirty beards and +holes at their elbows. + +I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prison--I _dared_ +not, that was the fact. But our little stock of money was running low; +and my heart sickened to think what might be my dear wife's fate, and on +what sort of a couch our child might be born. But Heaven spared me that +pang,--Heaven, and my dear good friend, Gus Hoskins. + +The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me that I could +get leave to live in the rules of the Fleet, could I procure sureties to +the marshal of the prison for the amount of the detainer lodged against +me; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick hard in the face, he never +offered to give the bail for me, and I knew no housekeeper in London who +would procure it. There was, however, one whom I did not know,--and that +was old Mr. Hoskins, the leatherseller of Skinner Street, a kind fat +gentleman, who brought his fat wife to see Mrs. Titmarsh; and though the +lady gave herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free of the +Skinners' Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, Lord Mayor of +the first city in the world), she seemed heartily to sympathise with us; +and her husband stirred and bustled about until the requisite leave was +obtained, and I was allowed comparative liberty. + +As for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. Stokes, sent +her Jemima to say that her first floor was at our service; and when we +had taken possession of it, and I offered at the end of the week to pay +her bill, the good soul, with tears in her eyes, told me that she did not +want for money now, and that she knew I had enough to do with what I had. +I did not refuse her kindness; for, indeed, I had but five guineas left, +and ought not by rights to have thought of such expensive apartments as +hers; but my wife's time was very near, and I could not bear to think +that she should want for any comfort in her lying-in. + +The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came every day to keep +company--and very nice, kind ladies they are--recovered her health a good +deal, now she was out of the odious prison and was enabled to take +exercise. How gaily did we pace up and down Bridge Street and Chatham +Place, to be sure! and yet, in truth, I was a beggar, and felt sometimes +ashamed of being so happy. + +With regard to the liabilities of the Company my mind was now made quite +easy; for the creditors could only come upon our directors, and these it +was rather difficult to find. Mr. Brough was across the water; and I +must say, to the credit of that gentleman, that while everybody thought +he had run away with hundreds of thousands of pounds, he was in a garret +at Boulogne, with scarce a shilling in his pocket, and his fortune to +make afresh. Mrs. Brough, like a good brave woman, remained faithful to +him, and only left Fulham with the gown on her back; and Miss Belinda, +though grumbling and sadly out of temper, was no better off. For the +other directors,--when they came to inquire at Edinburgh for Mr. Mull, W. +S., it appeared there _was_ a gentleman of that name, who had practised +in Edinburgh with good reputation until 1800, since when he had retired +to the Isle of Skye; and on being applied to, knew no more of the West +Diddlesex Association than Queen Anne did. General Sir Dionysius +O'Halloran had abruptly quitted Dublin, and returned to the republic of +Guatemala. Mr. Shirk went into the _Gazette_. Mr. Macraw, M.P. and +King's Counsel, had not a single guinea in the world but what he received +for attending our board; and the only man seizable was Mr. Manstraw, a +wealthy navy contractor, as we understood, at Chatham. He turned out to +be a small dealer in marine stores, and his whole stock in trade was not +worth 10_l_. Mr. Abednego was the other director, and we have already +seen what became of _him_. + +"Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex," suggested Mr. +Hoskins, senior, "should you not now endeavour to make an arrangement +with your creditors; and who can make a better bargain with them than +pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose sweet eyes would soften the +hardest-hearted tailor or milliner that ever lived?" + +Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me by the +hand, and bidding me be of good cheer, set forth with Gus in a coach, to +pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a year before, that the +daughter of the gallant Smith should ever be compelled to be a suppliant +to tailors and haberdashers; but _she_, Heaven bless her! felt none of +the shame which oppressed me--or _said_ she felt none--and went away, +nothing doubting, on her errand. + +In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know the news. I +saw it was bad by her face. For some time she did not speak, but looked +as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. "_You_ speak, Mr. +Augustus," at last said she, sobbing; and so Gus told me the +circumstances of that dismal day. + +"What do you think, Sam?" says he; "that infernal aunt of yours, at whose +command you had the things, has written to the tradesmen to say that you +are a swindler and impostor; that you give out that _she_ ordered the +goods; that she is ready to drop down dead, and to take her bible-oath +she never did any such thing, and that they must look to you alone for +payment. Not one of them would hear of letting you out; and as for +Mantalini, the scoundrel was so insolent that I gave him a box on the +ear, and would have half-killed him, only poor Mary--Mrs. Titmarsh I +mean--screamed and fainted: and I brought her away, and here she is, as +ill as can be." + +That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to run post-haste for +Doctor Salts, and next morning a little boy was born. I did not know +whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little weakly thing; +but Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in the world, and forgot +all her sorrows in nursing the poor baby; she went bravely through her +time, and vowed that it was the loveliest child in the world; and that +though Lady Tiptoff, whose confinement we read of as having taken place +the same day, might have a silk bed and a fine house in Grosvenor Square, +she never never could have such a beautiful child as our dear little Gus: +for after whom should we have named the boy, if not after our good kind +friend? We had a little party at the christening, and I assure you were +very merry over our tea. + +The mother, thank Heaven! was very well, and it did one's heart good to +see her in that attitude in which I think every woman, be she ever so +plain, looks beautiful--with her baby at her bosom. The child was +sickly, but she did not see it; we were very poor, but what cared she? +She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was: I had my last guinea now in +my pocket; and when _that_ was gone--ah! my heart sickened to think of +what was to come, and I prayed for strength and guidance, and in the +midst of my perplexities felt yet thankful that the danger of the +confinement was over; and that for the worst fortune which was to befall +us, my dear wife was at least prepared, and strong in health. + +I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper room--a garret +that should cost but a few shillings; and though the good woman bade me +remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now that my wife was well, I +felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind landlady of her chief means +of livelihood; and at length she promised to get me a garret as I wanted, +and to make it as comfortable as might be; and little Jemima declared +that she would be glad beyond measure to wait on the mother and the +child. + +The room, then, was made ready; and though I took some pains not to speak +of the arrangement too suddenly to Mary, yet there was no need of +disguise or hesitation; for when at last I told her--"Is that all?" said +she, and took my hand with one of her blessed smiles, and vowed that she +and Jemima would keep the room as pretty and neat as possible. "And I +will cook your dinners," added she; "for you know you said I make the +best roly-poly puddings in the world." God bless her! I do think some +women almost love poverty: but I did not tell Mary how poor I was, nor +had she any idea how lawyers', and prison's, and doctors' fees had +diminished the sum of money which she brought me when we came to the +Fleet. + +It was not, however, destined that she and her child should inhabit that +little garret. We were to leave our lodgings on Monday morning; but on +Saturday evening the child was seized with convulsions, and all Sunday +the mother watched and prayed for it: but it pleased God to take the +innocent infant from us, and on Sunday, at midnight, it lay a corpse in +its mother's bosom. Amen. We have other children, happy and well, now +round about us, and from the father's heart the memory of this little +thing has almost faded; but I do believe that every day of her life the +mother thinks of the firstborn that was with her for so short a while: +many and many a time has she taken her daughters to the grave, in Saint +Bride's, where he lies buried; and she wears still at her neck a little +little lock of gold hair, which she took from the head of the infant as +he lay smiling in his coffin. It has happened to me to forget the +child's birthday, but to her never; and often in the midst of common talk +comes something that shows she is thinking of the child still,--some +simple allusion that is to me inexpressibly affecting. + +I shall not try to describe her grief, for such things are sacred and +secret; and a man has no business to place them on paper for all the +world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child's loss at all, but +that even that loss was the means of a great worldly blessing to us; as +my wife has often with tears and thanks acknowledged. + +While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to say I was +distracted with other feelings besides those of grief for its loss; and I +have often since thought what a master--nay, destroyer--of the affections +want is, and have learned from experience to be thankful for _daily +bread_. That acknowledgment of weakness which we make in imploring to be +relieved from hunger and from temptation, is surely wisely put in our +daily prayer. Think of it you who are rich, and take heed how you turn a +beggar away. + +The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet fixed smile in +its face (I think the angels in heaven must have been glad to welcome +that pretty innocent smile); and it was only the next day, after my wife +had gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch by it, that I remembered +the condition of its parents, and thought, I can't tell with what a pang, +that I had not money left to bury the little thing, and wept bitter tears +of despair. Now, at last, I thought I must apply to my poor mother, for +this was a sacred necessity; and I took paper, and wrote her a letter at +the baby's side, and told her of our condition. But, thank Heaven! I +never sent the letter; for as I went to the desk to get sealing-wax and +seal that dismal letter, my eyes fell upon the diamond pin that I had +quite forgotten, and that was lying in the drawer of the desk. + +I looked into the bedroom,--my poor wife was asleep; she had been +watching for three nights and days, and had fallen asleep from sheer +fatigue; and I ran out to a pawnbroker's with the diamond, and received +seven guineas for it, and coming back put the money into the landlady's +hand, and told her to get what was needful. My wife was still asleep +when I came back; and when she woke, we persuaded her to go downstairs to +the landlady's parlour; and meanwhile the necessary preparations were +made, and the poor child consigned to its coffin. + +The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three out of +the seven guineas; and then I could not help sobbing out to her my doubts +and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last money I had; and +when that was gone I knew not what was to become of the best wife that +ever a man was blest with. + +My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was with me, and +quite as much affected as any of the party, took me by the arm, and led +me downstairs; and we quite forgot all about the prison and the rules, +and walked a long long way across Blackfriars Bridge, the kind fellow +striving as much as possible to console me. + +When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person who met me in +the house was my kind mother, who fell into my arms with many tears, and +who rebuked me tenderly for not having told her of my necessities. She +never should have known of them, she said; but she had not heard from me +since I wrote announcing the birth of the child, and she felt uneasy +about my silence; and meeting Mr. Smithers in the street, asked from him +news concerning me: whereupon that gentleman, with some little show of +alarm, told her that he thought her daughter-in-law was confined in an +uncomfortable place; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left us; finally, that I was +in prison. This news at once despatched my poor mother on her travels, +and she had only just come from the prison, where she learned my address. + +I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found her. Rather +to my amaze she said that Mary was out with the landlady when she +arrived; and eight--nine o'clock came, and she was absent still. + +At ten o'clock returned--not my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, and with her a +gentleman, who shook hands with me on coming into the room, and said, +"Mr. Titmarsh! I don't know whether you will remember me: my name is +Tiptoff. I have brought you a note from Mrs. Titmarsh, and a message +from my wife, who sincerely commiserates your loss, and begs you will not +be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh's absence. She has been good enough to +promise to pass the night with Lady Tiptoff; and I am sure you will not +object to her being away from you, while she is giving happiness to a +sick mother and a sick child." After a few more words, my Lord left us. +My wife's note only said that Mrs. Stokes would tell me all. + + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + +IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN WEAR +IN HIS BOSOM + +"Mrs. Titmarsh, ma'am," says Mrs. Stokes, "before I gratify your +curiosity, ma'am, permit me to observe that angels is scarce; and it's +rare to have one, much more two, in a family. Both your son and your +daughter-in-law, ma'am, are of that uncommon sort; they are, now, reely, +ma'am." + +My mother said she thanked God for both of us; and Mrs. Stokes +proceeded:-- + +"When the fu--- when the seminary, ma'am, was concluded this morning, +your poor daughter-in-law was glad to take shelter in my humble parlour, +ma'am; where she wept, and told a thousand stories of the little cherub +that's gone. Heaven bless us! it was here but a month, and no one could +have thought it could have done such a many things in that time. But a +mother's eyes are clear, ma'am; and I had just such another angel, my +dear little Antony, that was born before Jemima, and would have been +twenty-three now were he in this wicked world, ma'am. However, I won't +speak of him, ma'am, but of what took place. + +"You must know, ma'am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained downstairs while Mr. +Samuel was talking with his friend Mr. Hoskins; and the poor thing would +not touch a bit of dinner, though we had it made comfortable; and after +dinner, it was with difficulty I could get her to sup a little drop of +wine-and-water, and dip a toast in it. It was the first morsel that had +passed her lips for many a long hour, ma'am. + +"Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to interrupt her; +but she sat and looked at my two youngest that were playing on the rug; +and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus went out, the boy brought the +newspaper, ma'am,--it always comes from three to four, and I began +a-reading of it. But I couldn't read much, for thinking of poor Mr. +Sam's sad face as he went out, and the sad story he told me about his +money being so low; and every now and then I stopped reading, and bade +Mrs. T. not to take on so; and told her some stories about my dear little +Antony. + +"'Ah!' says she, sobbing, and looking at the young ones, 'you have other +children, Mrs. Stokes; but that--that was my only one;' and she flung +back in her chair, and cried fit to break her heart: and I knew that the +cry would do her good, and so went back to my paper--the _Morning Post_, +ma'am; I always read it, for I like to know what's a-going on in the West +End. + +"The very first thing that my eyes lighted upon was this:--'Wanted, +immediately, a respectable person as wet-nurse. Apply at No. ---, +Grosvenor Square.' 'Bless us and save us!' says I, 'here's poor Lady +Tiptoff ill;' for I knew her Ladyship's address, and how she was confined +on the very same day with Mrs. T.: and, for the matter of that, her +Ladyship knows my address, having visited here. + +"A sudden thought came over me. 'My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,' said I, 'you +know how poor and how good your husband is?' + +"'Yes,' says she, rather surprised. + +"'Well, my dear,' says I, looking her hard in the face, 'Lady Tiptoff, +who knows him, wants a nurse for her son, Lord Poynings. Will you be a +brave woman, and look for the place, and mayhap replace the little one +that God has taken from you?' + +"She began to tremble and blush; and then I told her what you, Mr. Sam, +had told me the other day about your money matters; and no sooner did she +hear it than she sprung to her bonnet, and said, 'Come, come:' and in +five minutes she had me by the arm, and we walked together to Grosvenor +Square. The air did her no harm, Mr. Sam, and during the whole of the +walk she never cried but once, and then it was at seeing a nursery-maid +in the Square. + +"A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, 'You're the forty- +fifth as come about this 'ere place; but, fust, let me ask you a +preliminary question. Are you a Hirishwoman?' + +"'No, sir,' says Mrs. T. + +"'That suffishnt, mem,' says the gentleman in plush; 'I see you're not by +your axnt. Step this way, ladies, if you please. You'll find some more +candidix for the place upstairs; but I sent away forty-four happlicants, +because they _was_ Hirish.' + +"We were taken upstairs over very soft carpets, and brought into a room, +and told by an old lady who was there to speak very softly, for my Lady +was only two rooms off. And when I asked how the baby and her Ladyship +were, the old lady told me both were pretty well: only the doctor said +Lady Tiptoff was too delicate to nurse any longer; and so it was +considered necessary to have a wet-nurse. + +"There was another young woman in the room--a tall fine woman as ever you +saw--that looked very angry and contempshious at Mrs. T. and me, and +said, 'I've brought a letter from the duchess whose daughter I nust; and +I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, my Lady Tiptoff may look far before she +finds such another nuss as me. Five feet six high, had the small-pox, +married to a corporal in the Lifeguards, perfectly healthy, best of +charactiers, only drink water; and as for the child, ma'am, if her +Ladyship had six, I've a plenty for them all.' + +"As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in black came in +from the next room, treading as if on velvet. The woman got up, and made +him a low curtsey, and folding her arms on her great broad chest, +repeated the speech she had made before. Mrs. T. did not get up from her +chair, but only made a sort of a bow; which, to be sure, I thought was +ill manners, as this gentleman was evidently the apothecary. He looked +hard at her and said, 'Well, my good woman, and are you come about the +place too?' + +"'Yes, sir,' says she, blushing. + +"'You seem very delicate. How old is your child? How many have you had? +What character have you?' + +"Your wife didn't answer a word; so I stepped up, and said, 'Sir,' says +I, 'this lady has just lost her first child, and isn't used to look for +places, being the daughter of a captain in the navy; so you'll excuse her +want of manners in not getting up when you came in.' + +"The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly to her; he +said he was afraid that her application would be unsuccessful, as Mrs. +Horner came very strongly recommended from the Duchess of Doncaster, +whose relative Lady Tiptoff was; and presently my Lady appeared, looking +very pretty, ma'am, in an elegant lace-cap and a sweet muslin _robe-de- +sham_. + +"A nurse came out of her Ladyship's room with her; and while my Lady was +talking to us, walked up and down in the next room with something in her +arms. + +"First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Horner, and then to Mrs. T.; but all the +while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh, rather rudely, as I thought, ma'am, +was looking into the next room: looking--looking at the baby there with +all her might. My Lady asked her her name, and if she had any character; +and as she did not speak, I spoke up for her, and said she was the wife +of one of the best men in the world; that her Ladyship knew the +gentleman, too, and had brought him a haunch of venison. Then Lady +Tiptoff looked up quite astonished, and I told the whole story: how you +had been head clerk, and that rascal, Brough, had brought you to ruin. +'Poor thing!' said my Lady: Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak, but still kept +looking at the baby; and the great big grenadier of a Mrs. Horner looked +angrily at her. + +"'Poor thing!' says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.'s hand very kind, 'she seems +very young. How old are you, my dear?' + +"'Five weeks and two days!' says your wife, sobbing. + +"Mrs. Horner burst into a laugh; but there was a tear in my Lady's eyes, +for she knew what the poor thing was a-thinking of. + +"'Silence, woman!' says she angrily to the great grenadier woman; and at +this moment the child in the next room began crying. + +"As soon as your wife heard the noise, she sprung from her chair and made +a stop forward, and put both her hands to her breast and said, 'The +child--the child--give it me!' and then began to cry again. + +"My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the next room and +brought her the baby; and the baby clung to her as if he knew her: and a +pretty sight it was to see that dear woman with the child at her bosom. + +"When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did? After looking on it for +a bit, she put her arms round your wife's neck and kissed her. + +"'My dear,' said she, 'I am sure you are as good as you are pretty, and +you shall keep the child: and I thank God for sending you to me!' + +"These were her very words; and Dr. Bland, who was standing by, says, +'It's a second judgment of Solomon!' + +"'I suppose, my Lady, you don't want _me_?' says the big woman, with +another curtsey. + +"'Not in the least!' answers my Lady, haughtily, and the grenadier left +the room: and then I told all your story at full length, and Mrs. +Blenkinsop kept me to tea, and I saw the beautiful room that Mrs. +Titmarsh is to have next to Lady Tiptoff's; and when my Lord came home, +what does he do but insist upon coming back with me here in a hackney- +coach, as he said he must apologise to you for keeping your wife away." + +I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event which, in +the midst of our sorrow, came to console us, and in our poverty to give +us bread,--I could not help connecting it with the _diamond pin_, and +fancying that the disappearance of that ornament had somehow brought a +different and a better sort of luck into my family. And though some +gents who read this, may call me a poor-spirited fellow for allowing my +wife to go out to service, who was bred a lady and ought to have servants +herself: yet, for my part, I confess I did not feel one minute's scruple +or mortification on the subject. If you love a person, is it not a +pleasure to feel obliged to him? And this, in consequence, I felt. I +was proud and happy at being able to think that my dear wife should be +able to labour and earn bread for me, now misfortune had put it out of my +power to support me and her. And now, instead of making any reflections +of my own upon prison discipline, I will recommend the reader to consult +that admirable chapter in the Life of Mr. Pickwick in which the same +theme is handled, and which shows how silly it is to deprive honest men +of the means of labour just at the moment when they most want it. What +could I do? There were one or two gents in the prison who could work +(literary gents,--one wrote his "Travels in Mesopotamia," and the other +his "Sketches at Almack's," in the place); but all the occupation I could +find was walking down Bridge Street, and then up Bridge Street, and +staring at Alderman Waithman's windows, and then at the black man who +swept the crossing. I never gave him anything; but I envied him his +trade and his broom, and the money that continually fell into his old +hat. But I was not allowed even to carry a broom. + +Twice or thrice--for Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy often to +breathe the air of such a close place as Salisbury Square--my dear Mary +came in the thundering carriage to see me. They were merry meetings; +and--if the truth must be told--twice, when nobody was by, I jumped into +the carriage and had a drive with her; and when I had seen her home, +jumped into another hackney-coach and drove back. But this was only +twice; for the system was dangerous, and it might bring me into trouble, +and it cost three shillings from Grosvenor Square to Ludgate Hill. + +Here, meanwhile, my good mother kept me company; and what should we read +of one day but the marriage of Mrs. Hoggarty and the Rev. Grimes Wapshot! +My mother, who never loved Mrs. H., now said that she should repent all +her life having allowed me to spend so much of my time with that odious +ungrateful woman; and added that she and I too were justly punished for +worshipping the mammon of unrighteousness and forgetting our natural +feelings for the sake of my aunt's paltry lucre. "Well, Amen!" said I. +"This is the end of all our fine schemes! My aunt's money and my aunt's +diamond were the causes of my ruin, and now they are clear gone, thank +Heaven! and I hope the old lady will be happy; and I must say I don't +envy the Rev. Grimes Wapshot." So we put Mrs. Hoggarty out of our +thoughts, and made ourselves as comfortable as might be. + +Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their children +than we poor ones, and little Lord Poynings was not christened until the +month of June. A duke was one godfather, and Mr. Edmund Preston, the +State Secretary, another; and that kind Lady Jane Preston, whom I have +before spoken of, was the godmother to her nephew. She had not long been +made acquainted with my wife's history; and both she and her sister loved +her heartily and were very kind to her. Indeed, there was not a single +soul in the house, high or low, but was fond of that good sweet creature; +and the very footmen were as ready to serve her as they were their own +mistress. + +"I tell you what, sir," says one of them. "You see, Tit my boy, I'm a +connyshure, and up to snough; and if ever I see a lady in my life, Mrs. +Titmarsh is one. I can't be fimiliar with her--I've tried--" + +"Have you, sir?" said I. + +"Don't look so indignant! I can't, I say, be fimiliar with her as I am +with you. There's a somethink in her, a jenny-squaw, that haws me, sir! +and even my Lord's own man, that 'as 'ad as much success as any gentleman +in Europe--he says that, cuss him--" + +"Mr. Charles," says I, "tell my Lord's own man that, if he wants to keep +his place and his whole skin, he will never address a single word to that +lady but such as a servant should utter in the presence of his mistress; +and take notice that I am a gentleman, though a poor one, and will murder +the first man who does her wrong!" + +Mr. Charles only said "Gammin!" to this: but psha! in bragging about my +own spirit, I forgot to say what great good fortune my dear wife's +conduct procured for me. + +On the christening-day, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, and then a +twenty-pound note; but she declined either; but she did not decline a +present that the two ladies made her together, and this was no other than +_my release from the Fleet_. Lord Tiptoff's lawyer paid every one of the +bills against me, and that happy christening-day made me a free man. Ah! +who shall tell the pleasure of that day, or the merry dinner we had in +Mary's room at Lord Tiptoff's house, when my Lord and my Lady came +upstairs to shake hands with me! + +"I have been speaking to Mr. Preston," says my Lord, "the gentleman with +whom you had the memorable quarrel, and he has forgiven it, although he +was in the wrong, and promises to do something for you. We are going +down, meanwhile, to his house at Richmond; and be sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I +will not fail to keep you in his mind." + +"_Mrs_. Titmarsh will do that," says my Lady; "for Edmund is woefully +smitten with her!" And Mary blushed, and I laughed, and we were all very +happy: and sure enough there came from Richmond a letter to me, stating +that I was appointed fourth clerk in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, +with a salary of 80_l_. per annum. + +Here perhaps my story ought to stop; for I was happy at last, and have +never since, thank Heaven! known want: but Gus insists that I should add +how I gave up the place in the Tape and Sealing-wax Office, and for what +reason. That excellent Lady Jane Preston is long gone, and so is Mr. P--- +off in an apoplexy, and there is no harm now in telling the story. + +The fact was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary in a much +more serious way than any of us imagined; for I do believe he invited his +brother-in-law to Richmond for no other purpose than to pay court to his +son's nurse. And one day, as I was coming post-haste to thank him for +the place he had procured for me, being directed by Mr. Charles to the +"scrubbery," as he called it, which led down to the river--there, sure +enough, I found Mr. Preston, on his knees too, on the gravel-walk, and +before him Mary, holding the little lord. + +"Dearest creature!" says Mr. Preston, "do but listen to me, and I'll make +your husband consul at Timbuctoo! He shall never know of it, I tell you: +he _can_ never know of it. I pledge you my word as a Cabinet Minister! +Oh, don't look at me in that arch way: by heavens, your eyes kill me!" + +Mary, when she saw me, burst out laughing, and ran down the lawn; my Lord +making a huge crowing, too, and holding out his little fat hands. Mr. +Preston, who was a heavy man, was slowly getting up, when, catching a +sight of me looking as fierce as the crater of Mount Etna,--he gave a +start back and lost his footing, and rolled over and over, walloping into +the water at the garden's edge. It was not deep, and he came bubbling +and snorting out again in as much fright as fury. + +"You d-d ungrateful villain!" says he, "what do you stand there laughing +for?" + +"I'm waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir," says I, and laughed fit to +die; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and his party, who joined us on the lawn: +and Jeames the footman came forward and helped Mr. Preston out of the +water. + +"Oh, you old sinner!" says my Lord, as his brother-in-law came up the +slope. "Will that heart of yours be always so susceptible, you romantic, +apoplectic, immoral man?" + +Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and ill-treated his wife +for a whole month afterwards. + +"At any rate," says my Lord, "Titmarsh here has got a place through our +friend's unhappy attachment; and Mrs. Titmarsh has only laughed at him, +so there is no harm there. It's an ill wind that blows nobody good, you +know." + +"Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall never do +good to me. I have learned in the past few years what it is to make +friends with the mammon of unrighteousness; and that out of such +friendship no good comes in the end to honest men. It shall never be +said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because a great man was in love with +his wife; and were the situation ten times as valuable, I should blush +every day I entered the office-doors in thinking of the base means by +which my fortune was made. You have made me free, my Lord; and, thank +God! I am willing to work. I can easily get a clerkship with the +assistance of my friends; and with that and my wife's income, we can +manage honestly to face the world." + +This rather long speech I made with some animation; for, look you, I was +not over well pleased that his Lordship should think me capable of +speculating in any way on my wife's beauty. + +My Lord at first turned red, and looked rather angry; but at last he held +out his hand and said, "You are right, Titmarsh, and I am wrong; and let +me tell you in confidence, that I think you are a very honest fellow. You +shan't lose by your honesty, I promise you." + +Nor did I: for I am at this present moment Lord Tiptoff's steward and +right-hand man: and am I not a happy father? and is not my wife loved and +respected by all the country? and is not Gus Hoskins my brother-in-law, +partner with his excellent father in the leather way, and the delight of +all his nephews and nieces for his tricks and fun? + +As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman's history would fill a volume of +itself. Since he vanished from the London world, he has become +celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, and met +all sorts of changes of high and low fortune. One thing we may at least +admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted courage; and I can't help +thinking, as I have said before, that there must be some good in him, +seeing the way in which his family are faithful to him. With respect to +Roundhand, I had best also speak tenderly. The case of Roundhand v. Tidd +is still in the memory of the public; nor can I ever understand how Bill +Tidd, so poetic as he was, could ever take on with such a fat, odious, +vulgar woman as Mrs. R., who was old enough to be his mother. + +As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapshot made +overtures to be reconciled to us; and Mr. Wapshot laid bare to me all the +baseness of Mr. Smithers's conduct in the Brough transaction. Smithers +had also endeavoured to pay his court to me, once when I went down to +Somersetshire; but I cut his pretensions short, as I have shown. "He it +was," said Mr. Wapshot, "who induced Mrs. Grimes (Mrs. Hoggarty she was +then) to purchase the West Diddlesex shares: receiving, of course, a +large bonus for himself. But directly he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had +fallen into the hands of Mr. Brough, and that he should lose the income +he made from the lawsuits with her tenants and from the management of her +landed property, he determined to rescue her from that villain Brough, +and came to town for the purpose. He also," added Mr. Wapshot, "vented +his malignant slander against me; but Heaven was pleased to frustrate his +base schemes. In the proceedings consequent on Brough's bankruptcy, Mr. +Smithers could not appear; for his own share in the transactions of the +Company would have been most certainly shown up. During his absence from +London, I became the husband--the happy husband--of your aunt. But +though, my dear sir, I have been the means of bringing her to grace, I +cannot disguise from you that Mrs. W. has faults which all my pastoral +care has not enabled me to eradicate. She is close of her money, +sir--very close; nor can I make that charitable use of her property +which, as a clergyman, I ought to do; for she has tied up every shilling +of it, and only allows me half-a-crown a week for pocket-money. In +temper, too, she is very violent. During the first years of our union, I +strove with her; yea, I chastised her; but her perseverance, I must +confess, got the better of me. I make no more remonstrances, but am as a +lamb in her hands, and she leads me whithersoever she pleases." + +Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing half-a-crown from me (it was +at the Somerset Coffee-house in the Strand, where he came, in the year +1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go from thence into the gin-shop +opposite, and come out of the gin-shop half-an-hour afterwards, reeling +across the streets, and perfectly intoxicated. + +He died next year: when his widow, who called herself Mrs. +Hoggarty-Grimes-Wapshot, of Castle Hoggarty, said that over the grave of +her saint all earthly resentments were forgotten, and proposed to come +and live with us; paying us, of course, a handsome remuneration. But +this offer my wife and I respectfully declined; and once more she altered +her will, which once more she had made in our favour; called us +ungrateful wretches and pampered menials, and left all her property to +the Irish Hoggarties. But seeing my wife one day in a carriage with Lady +Tiptoff, and hearing that we had been at the great ball at Tiptoff +Castle, and that I had grown to be a rich man, she changed her mind +again, sent for me on her death-bed, and left me the farms of Slopperton +and Squashtail, with all her savings for fifteen years. Peace be to her +soul! for certainly she left me a very pretty property. + +Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who generally, +when he is short of coin, comes down and passes a few months with us) +says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the public (meaning, I +suspect, to himself); and if so, I am glad to serve him and them, and +hereby take farewell: bidding all gents who peruse this, to be cautious +of their money, if they have it; to be still more cautious of their +friends' money; to remember that great profits imply great risks; and +that the great shrewd capitalists of this country would not be content +with four per cent. for their money, if they could securely get more: +above all, I entreat them never to embark in any speculation, of which +the conduct is not perfectly clear to them, and of which the agents are +not perfectly open and loyal. + + + +***END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK THE HISTORY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH*** + + +******* This file should be named 1933.txt or 1933.zip ******* + + +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: +http://www.gutenberg.org/dirs/1/9/3/1933 + + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk +from the 1911 John Murray edition. + + + + + +THE GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND + + + + +CHAPTER I + + + +GIVES AN ACCOUNT OF OUR VILLAGE AND THE FIRST GLIMPSE OF THE +DIAMOND + +When I came up to town for my second year, my aunt Hoggarty made me +a present of a diamond-pin; that is to say, it was not a diamond- +pin then, but a large old-fashioned locket, of Dublin manufacture +in the year 1795, which the late Mr. Hoggarty used to sport at the +Lord Lieutenant's balls and elsewhere. He wore it, he said, at the +battle of Vinegar Hill, when his club pigtail saved his head from +being taken off,--but that is neither here nor there. + +In the middle of the brooch was Hoggarty in the scarlet uniform of +the corps of Fencibles to which he belonged; around it were +thirteen locks of hair, belonging to a baker's dozen of sisters +that the old gentleman had; and, as all these little ringlets +partook of the family hue of brilliant auburn, Hoggarty's portrait +seemed to the fanciful view like a great fat red round of beef +surrounded by thirteen carrots. These were dished up on a plate of +blue enamel, and it was from the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND (as we +called it in the family) that the collection of hairs in question +seemed as it were to spring. + +My aunt, I need not say, is rich; and I thought I might be her heir +as well as another. During my month's holiday, she was +particularly pleased with me; made me drink tea with her often +(though there was a certain person in the village with whom on +those golden summer evenings I should have liked to have taken a +stroll in the hayfields); promised every time I drank her bohea to +do something handsome for me when I went back to town,--nay, three +or four times had me to dinner at three, and to whist or cribbage +afterwards. I did not care for the cards; for though we always +played seven hours on a stretch, and I always lost, my losings were +never more than nineteenpence a night: but there was some infernal +sour black-currant wine, that the old lady always produced at +dinner, and with the tray at ten o'clock, and which I dared not +refuse; though upon my word and honour it made me very unwell. + +Well, I thought after all this obsequiousness on my part, and my +aunt's repeated promises, that the old lady would at least make me +a present of a score of guineas (of which she had a power in the +drawer); and so convinced was I that some such present was intended +for me, that a young lady by the name of Miss Mary Smith, with whom +I had conversed on the subject, actually netted me a little green +silk purse, which she gave me (behind Hicks's hayrick, as you turn +to the right up Churchyard Lane)--which she gave me, I say, wrapped +up in a bit of silver paper. There was something in the purse, +too, if the truth must be known. First there was a thick curl of +the glossiest blackest hair you ever saw in your life, and next +there was threepence: that is to say, the half of a silver +sixpence hanging by a little necklace of blue riband. Ah, but I +knew where the other half of the sixpence was, and envied that +happy bit of silver! + +The last day of my holiday I was obliged, of course, to devote to +Mrs. Hoggarty. My aunt was excessively gracious; and by way of a +treat brought out a couple of bottles of the black currant, of +which she made me drink the greater part. At night when all the +ladies assembled at her party had gone off with their pattens and +their maids, Mrs. Hoggarty, who had made a signal to me to stay, +first blew out three of the wax candles in the drawing-room, and +taking the fourth in her hand, went and unlocked her escritoire. + +I can tell you my heart beat, though I pretended to look quite +unconcerned. + +"Sam my dear," said she, as she was fumbling with her keys, "take +another glass of Rosolio" (that was the name by which she baptised +the cursed beverage): "it will do you good." I took it, and you +might have seen my hand tremble as the bottle went click--click +against the glass. By the time I had swallowed it, the old lady +had finished her operations at the bureau, and was coming towards +me, the wax-candle bobbing in one hand and a large parcel in the +other. + +"Now's the time," thought I. + +"Samuel, my dear nephew," said she, "your first name you received +from your sainted uncle, my blessed husband; and of all my nephews +and nieces, you are the one whose conduct in life has most pleased +me." + +When you consider that my aunt herself was one of seven married +sisters, that all the Hoggarties were married in Ireland and +mothers of numerous children, I must say that the compliment my +aunt paid me was a very handsome one. + +"Dear aunt," says I, in a slow agitated voice, "I have often heard +you say there were seventy-three of us in all, and believe me I do +think your high opinion of me very complimentary indeed: I'm +unworthy of it--indeed I am." + +"As for those odious Irish people," says my aunt, rather sharply, +"don't speak of them, I hate them, and every one of their mothers" +(the fact is, there had been a lawsuit about Hoggarty's property); +"but of all my other kindred, you, Samuel, have been the most +dutiful and affectionate to me. Your employers in London give the +best accounts of your regularity and good conduct. Though you have +had eighty pounds a year (a liberal salary), you have not spent a +shilling more than your income, as other young men would; and you +have devoted your month's holidays to your old aunt, who, I assure +you, is grateful." + +"Oh, ma'am!" said I. It was all that I could utter. + +"Samuel," continued she, "I promised you a present, and here it is. +I first thought of giving you money; but you are a regular lad; and +don't want it. You are above money, dear Samuel. I give you what +I value most in life--the p,--the po, the po-ortrait of my sainted +Hoggarty" (tears), "set in the locket which contains the valuable +diamond that you have often heard me speak of. Wear it, dear Sam, +for my sake; and think of that angel in heaven, and of your dear +Aunt Susy." + +She put the machine into my hands: it was about the size of the +lid of a shaving-box: and I should as soon have thought of wearing +it as of wearing a cocked-hat and pigtail. I was so disgusted and +disappointed that I really could not get out a single word. + +When I recovered my presence of mind a little, I took the locket +out of the bit of paper (the locket indeed! it was as big as a +barndoor padlock), and slowly put it into my shirt. "Thank you, +Aunt," said I, with admirable raillery. "I shall always value this +present for the sake of you, who gave it me; and it will recall to +me my uncle, and my thirteen aunts in Ireland." + +"I don't want you to wear it in THAT way!" shrieked Mrs. Hoggarty, +"with the hair of those odious carroty women. You must have their +hair removed." + +"Then the locket will be spoiled, Aunt." + +"Well, sir, never mind the locket; have it set afresh." + +"Or suppose," said I, "I put aside the setting altogether: it is a +little too large for the present fashion; and have the portrait of +my uncle framed and placed over my chimney-piece, next to yours. +It's a sweet miniature." + +"That miniature," said Mrs. Hoggarty, solemnly, "was the great +Mulcahy's chef-d'oeuvre" (pronounced shy dewver, a favourite word +of my aunt's; being, with the words bongtong and ally mode de +Parry, the extent of her French vocabulary). "You know the +dreadful story of that poor poor artist. When he had finished that +wonderful likeness for the late Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty, +county Mayo, she wore it in her bosom at the Lord Lieutenant's +ball, where she played a game of piquet with the Commander-in- +Chief. What could have made her put the hair of her vulgar +daughters round Mick's portrait, I can't think; but so it was, as +you see it this day. 'Madam,' says the Commander-in-Chief, 'if +that is not my friend Mick Hoggarty, I'm a Dutchman!' Those were +his Lordship's very words. Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty took +off the brooch and showed it to him. + +"'Who is the artist?' says my Lord. 'It's the most wonderful +likeness I ever saw in my life!' + +"'Mulcahy,' says she, 'of Ormond's Quay.' + +"'Begad, I patronise him!' says my Lord; but presently his face +darkened, and he gave back the picture with a dissatisfied air. +'There is one fault in that portrait,' said his Lordship, who was a +rigid disciplinarian; 'and I wonder that my friend Mick, as a +military man, should have overlooked it.' + +"'What's that?' says Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty. + +"'Madam, he has been painted WITHOUT HIS SWORD-BELT!' And he took +up the cards again in a passion, and finished the game without +saying a single word. + +"The news was carried to Mr. Mulcahy the next day, and that +unfortunate artist WENT MAD IMMEDIATELY! He had set his whole +reputation upon this miniature, and declared that it should be +faultless. Such was the effect of the announcement upon his +susceptible heart! When Mrs. Hoggarty died, your uncle took the +portrait and always wore it himself. His sisters said it was for +the sake of the diamond; whereas, ungrateful things! it was merely +on account of their hair, and his love for the fine arts. As for +the poor artist, my dear, some people said it was the profuse use +of spirit that brought on delirium tremens; but I don't believe it. +Take another glass of Rosolio." + +The telling of this story always put my aunt into great good- +humour, and she promised at the end of it to pay for the new +setting of the diamond; desiring me to take it on my arrival in +London to the great jeweller, Mr. Polonius, and send her the bill. +"The fact is," said she, "that the gold in which the thing is set +is worth five guineas at the very least, and you can have the +diamond reset for two. However, keep the remainder, dear Sam, and +buy yourself what you please with it." + +With this the old lady bade me adieu. The clock was striking +twelve as I walked down the village, for the story of Mulcahy +always took an hour in the telling, and I went away not quite so +downhearted as when the present was first made to me. "After all," +thought I, "a diamond-pin is a handsome thing, and will give me a +distingue air, though my clothes be never so shabby"--and shabby +they were without any doubt. "Well," I said, "three guineas, which +I shall have over, will buy me a couple of pairs of what-d'ye-call- +'ems;" of which, entre nous, I was in great want, having just then +done growing, whereas my pantaloons were made a good eighteen +months before. + +Well, I walked down the village, my hands in my breeches pockets; I +had poor Mary's purse there, having removed the little things which +she gave me the day before, and placed them--never mind where: but +look you, in those days I had a heart, and a warm one too. I had +Mary's purse ready for my aunt's donation, which never came, and +with my own little stock of money besides, that Mrs. Hoggarty's +card parties had lessened by a good five-and-twenty shillings, I +calculated that, after paying my fare, I should get to town with a +couple of seven-shilling pieces in my pocket. + +I walked down the village at a deuce of a pace; so quick that, if +the thing had been possible, I should have overtaken ten o'clock +that had passed by me two hours ago, when I was listening to Mrs. +H.'s long stories over her terrible Rosolio. The truth is, at ten +I had an appointment under a certain person's window, who was to +have been looking at the moon at that hour, with her pretty quilled +nightcap on, and her blessed hair in papers. + +There was the window shut, and not so much as a candle in it; and +though I hemmed and hawed, and whistled over the garden paling, and +sang a song of which Somebody was very fond, and even threw a +pebble at the window, which hit it exactly at the opening of the +lattice,--I woke no one except a great brute of a house-dog, that +yelled, and howled, and bounced so at me over the rails, that I +thought every moment he would have had my nose between his teeth. + +So I was obliged to go off as quickly as might be; and the next +morning Mamma and my sisters made breakfast for me at four, and at +five came the "True Blue" light six-inside post-coach to London, +and I got up on the roof without having seen Mary Smith. + +As we passed the house, it DID seem as if the window curtain in her +room was drawn aside just a little bit. Certainly the window was +open, and it had been shut the night before: but away went the +coach; and the village, cottage, and the churchyard, and Hicks's +hayricks were soon out of sight. + +* * * + +"My hi, what a pin!" said a stable-boy, who was smoking a cigar, to +the guard, looking at me and putting his finger to his nose. + +The fact is, that I had never undressed since my aunt's party; and +being uneasy in mind and having all my clothes to pack up, and +thinking of something else, had quite forgotten Mrs. Hoggarty's +brooch, which I had stuck into my shirt-frill the night before. + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +TELLS HOW THE DIAMOND IS BROUGHT UP TO LONDON, AND PRODUCES +WONDERFUL EFFECTS BOTH IN THE CITY AND AT THE WEST END + +The circumstances recorded in this story took place some score of +years ago, when, as the reader may remember, there was a great +mania in the City of London for establishing companies of all +sorts; by which many people made pretty fortunes. + +I was at this period, as the truth must be known, thirteenth clerk +of twenty-four young gents who did the immense business of the +Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, at +their splendid stone mansion in Cornhill. Mamma had sunk a sum of +four hundred pounds in the purchase of an annuity at this office, +which paid her no less than six-and-thirty pounds a year, when no +other company in London would give her more than twenty-four. The +chairman of the directors was the great Mr. Brough, of the house of +Brough and Hoff, Crutched Friars, Turkey Merchants. It was a new +house, but did a tremendous business in the fig and sponge way, and +more in the Zante currant line than any other firm in the City. + +Brough was a great man among the Dissenting connection, and you saw +his name for hundreds at the head of every charitable society +patronised by those good people. He had nine clerks residing at +his office in Crutched Friars; he would not take one without a +certificate from the schoolmaster and clergyman of his native +place, strongly vouching for his morals and doctrine; and the +places were so run after, that he got a premium of four or five +hundred pounds with each young gent, whom he made to slave for ten +hours a day, and to whom in compensation he taught all the +mysteries of the Turkish business. He was a great man on 'Change, +too; and our young chaps used to hear from the stockbrokers' clerks +(we commonly dined together at the "Cock and Woolpack," a +respectable house, where you get a capital cut of meat, bread, +vegetables, cheese, half a pint of porter, and a penny to the +waiter, for a shilling)--the young stockbrokers used to tell us of +immense bargains in Spanish, Greek, and Columbians, that Brough +made. Hoff had nothing to do with them, but stopped at home +minding exclusively the business of the house. He was a young +chap, very quiet and steady, of the Quaker persuasion, and had been +taken into partnership by Brough for a matter of thirty thousand +pounds: and a very good bargain too. I was told in the strictest +confidence that the house one year with another divided a good +seven thousand pounds: of which Brough had half, Hoff two-sixths, +and the other sixth went to old Tudlow, who had been Mr. Brough's +clerk before the new partnership began. Tudlow always went about +very shabby, and we thought him an old miser. One of our gents, +Bob Swinney by name, used to say that Tudlow's share was all +nonsense, and that Brough had it all; but Bob was always too +knowing by half, used to wear a green cutaway coat, and had his +free admission to Covent Garden Theatre. He was always talking +down at the shop, as we called it (it wasn't a shop, but as +splendid an office as any in Cornhill)--he was always talking about +Vestris and Miss Tree, and singing + + +"The bramble, the bramble, +The jolly jolly bramble!" + + +one of Charles Kemble's famous songs in "Maid Marian;" a play that +was all the rage then, taken from a famous story-book by one +Peacock, a clerk in the India House; and a precious good place he +has too. + +When Brough heard how Master Swinney abused him, and had his +admission to the theatre, he came one day down to the office where +we all were, four-and-twenty of us, and made one of the most +beautiful speeches I ever heard in my life. He said that for +slander he did not care, contumely was the lot of every public man +who had austere principles of his own, and acted by them austerely; +but what he DID care for was the character of every single +gentleman forming a part of the Independent West Diddlesex +Association. The welfare of thousands was in their keeping; +millions of money were daily passing through their hands; the City- +-the country looked upon them for order, honesty, and good example. +And if he found amongst those whom he considered as his children-- +those whom he loved as his own flesh and blood--that that order was +departed from, that that regularity was not maintained, that that +good example was not kept up (Mr. B. always spoke in this emphatic +way)--if he found his children departing from the wholesome rules +of morality, religion, and decorum--if he found in high or low--in +the head clerk at six hundred a year down to the porter who cleaned +the steps--if he found the slightest taint of dissipation, he would +cast the offender from him--yea, though he were his own son, he +would cast him from him! + +As he spoke this, Mr. Brough burst into tears; and we who didn't +know what was coming, looked at each other as pale as parsnips: +all except Swinney, who was twelfth clerk, and made believe to +whistle. When Mr. B. had wiped his eyes and recovered himself, he +turned round; and oh, how my heart thumped as he looked me full in +the face! How it was relieved, though, when he shouted out in a +thundering voice - + +"MR. ROBERT SWINNEY!" + +"Sir to you," says Swinney, as cool as possible, and some of the +chaps began to titter. + +"Mr. SWINNEY!" roared Brough, in a voice still bigger than before, +"when you came into this office--this family, sir, for such it is, +as I am proud to say--you found three-and-twenty as pious and well- +regulated young men as ever laboured together--as ever had confided +to them the wealth of this mighty capital and famous empire. You +found, sir, sobriety, regularity, and decorum; no profane songs +were uttered in this place sacred to--to business; no slanders were +whispered against the heads of the establishment--but over them I +pass: I can afford, sir, to pass them by--no worldly conversation +or foul jesting disturbed the attention of these gentlemen, or +desecrated the peaceful scene of their labours. You found +Christians and gentlemen, sir!" + +"I paid for my place like the rest," said Swinney. "Didn't my +governor take sha-?" + +"Silence, sir! Your worthy father did take shares in this +establishment, which will yield him one day an immense profit. He +DID take shares, sir, or you never would have been here. I glory +in saying that every one of my young friends around me has a +father, a brother, a dear relative or friend, who is connected in a +similar way with our glorious enterprise; and that not one of them +is there but has an interest in procuring, at a liberal commission, +other persons to join the ranks of our Association. BUT, sir, I am +its chief. You will find, sir, your appointment signed by me; and +in like manner, I, John Brough, annul it. Go from us, sir!--leave +us--quit a family that can no longer receive you in its bosom! Mr. +Swinney, I have wept--I have prayed, sir, before I came to this +determination; I have taken counsel, sir, and am resolved. DEPART +FROM OUT OF US! + +"Not without three months' salary, though, Mr. B.: that cock won't +fight!" + +"They shall be paid to your father, sir." + +"My father be hanged! I tell you what, Brough, I'm of age; and if +you don't pay me my salary, I'll arrest you,--by Jingo, I will! +I'll have you in quod, or my name's not Bob Swinney!" + +"Make out a cheque, Mr. Roundhand, for the three months' salary of +this perverted young man." + +"Twenty-one pun' five, Roundhand, and nothing for the stamp!" cried +out that audacious Swinney. "There it is, sir, RE-ceipted. You +needn't cross it to my banker's. And if any of you gents like a +glass of punch this evening at eight o'clock, Bob Swinney's your +man, and nothing to pay. If Mr. Brough WOULD do me the honour to +come in and take a whack? Come, don't say no, if you'd rather +not!" + +We couldn't stand this impudence, and all burst out laughing like +mad. + +"Leave the room!" yelled Mr. Brough, whose face had turned quite +blue; and so Bob took his white hat off the peg, and strolled away +with his "tile," as he called it, very much on one side. When he +was gone, Mr. Brough gave us another lecture, by which we all +determined to profit; and going up to Roundhand's desk put his arm +round his neck, and looked over the ledger. + +"What money has been paid in to-day, Roundhand?" he said, in a very +kind way. + +"The widow, sir, came with her money; nine hundred and four ten and +six--say 904L. 10S. 6D. Captain Sparr, sir, paid his shares up; +grumbles, though, and says he's no more: fifty shares, two +instalments--three fifties, sir." + +"He's always grumbling!" + +"He says he has not a shilling to bless himself with until our +dividend day." + +"Any more?" + +Mr. Roundhand went through the book, and made it up nineteen +hundred pounds in all. We were doing a famous business now; though +when I came into the office, we used to sit, and laugh, and joke, +and read the newspapers all day; bustling into our seats whenever a +stray customer came. Brough never cared about our laughing and +singing THEN, and was hand and glove with Bob Swinney; but that was +in early times, before we were well in harness. + +"Nineteen hundred pounds, and a thousand pounds in shares. Bravo, +Roundhand--bravo, gentlemen! Remember, every share you bring in +brings you five per cent. down on the nail! Look to your friends-- +stick to your desks--be regular--I hope none of you forget church. +Who takes Mr. Swinney's place?" + +"Mr. Samuel Titmarsh, sir." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, I congratulate you. Give me your hand, sir: you +are now twelfth clerk of this Association, and your salary is +consequently increased five pounds a year. How is your worthy +mother, sir--your dear and excellent parent? In good health I +trust? And long--long, I fervently pray, may this office continue +to pay her annuity! Remember, if she has more money to lay out, +there is higher interest than the last for her, for she is a year +older; and five per cent. for you, my boy! Why not you as well as +another? Young men will be young men, and a ten-pound note does no +harm. Does it, Mr. Abednego?" + +"Oh, no!" says Abednego, who was third clerk, and who was the chap +that informed against Swinney; and he began to laugh, as indeed we +all did whenever Mr. Brough made anything like a joke: not that +they WERE jokes; only we used to know it by his face. + +"Oh, by-the-bye, Roundhand," says he, "a word with you on business. +Mrs. Brough wants to know why the deuce you never come down to +Fulham." + +"Law, that's very polite!" said Mr. Roundhand, quite pleased. + +"Name your day, my boy! Say Saturday, and bring your night-cap +with you." + +"You're very polite, I'm sure. I should be delighted beyond +anything, but--" + +"But--no buts, my boy! Hark ye! the Chancellor of the Exchequer +does me the honour to dine with us, and I want you to see him; for +the truth is, I have bragged about you to his Lordship as the best +actuary in the three kingdoms." + +Roundhand could not refuse such an invitation as THAT, though he +had told us how Mrs. R. and he were going to pass Saturday and +Sunday at Putney; and we who knew what a life the poor fellow led, +were sure that the head clerk would be prettily scolded by his lady +when she heard what was going on. She disliked Mrs. Brough very +much, that was the fact; because Mrs. B. kept a carriage, and said +she didn't know where Pentonville was, and couldn't call on Mrs. +Roundhand. Though, to be sure, her coachman might have found out +the way. + +"And oh, Roundhand!" continued our governor, "draw a cheque for +seven hundred, will you! Come, don't stare, man; I'm not going to +run away! That's right,--seven hundred--and ninety, say, while +you're about it! Our board meets on Saturday, and never fear I'll +account for it to them before I drive you down. We shall take up +the Chancellor at Whitehall." + +So saying, Mr. Brough folded up the cheque, and shaking hands with +Mr. Roundhand very cordially, got into his carriage-and-four (he +always drove four horses even in the City, where it's so +difficult), which was waiting at the office-door for him. + +Bob Swinney used to say that he charged two of the horses to the +Company; but there was never believing half of what that Bob said, +he used to laugh and joke so. I don't know how it was, but I and a +gent by the name of Hoskins (eleventh clerk), who lived together +with me in Salisbury Square, Fleet Street--where we occupied a very +genteel two-pair--found our flute duet rather tiresome that +evening, and as it was a very fine night, strolled out for a walk +West End way. When we arrived opposite Covent Garden Theatre we +found ourselves close to the "Globe Tavern," and recollected Bob +Swinney's hospitable invitation. We never fancied that he had +meant the invitation in earnest, but thought we might as well look +in: at any rate there could be no harm in doing so. + +There, to be sure, in the back drawing-room, where he said he would +be, we found Bob at the head of a table, and in the midst of a +great smoke of cigars, and eighteen of our gents rattling and +banging away at the table with the bottoms of their glasses. + +What a shout they made as we came in! "Hurray!" says Bob, "here's +two more! Two more chairs, Mary, two more tumblers, two more hot +waters, and two more goes of gin! Who would have thought of seeing +Tit, in the name of goodness?" + +"Why," said I, "we only came in by the merest chance." + +At this word there was another tremendous roar: and it is a +positive fact, that every man of the eighteen had said he came by +chance! However, chance gave us a very jovial night; and that +hospitable Bob Swinney paid every shilling of the score. + +"Gentlemen!" says he, as he paid the bill, "I'll give you the +health of John Brough, Esquire, and thanks to him for the present +of 21L. 5s. which he made me this morning. What do I say--21L. +5S.? That and a month's salary that I should have had to pay-- +forfeit--down on the nail, by Jingo! for leaving the shop, as I +intended to do to-morrow morning. I've got a place--a tip-top +place, I tell you. Five guineas a week, six journeys a year, my +own horse and gig, and to travel in the West of England in oil and +spermaceti. Here's confusion to gas, and the health of Messrs. +Gann and Co., of Thames Street, in the City of London!" + +I have been thus particular in my account of the West Diddlesex +Insurance Office, and of Mr. Brough, the managing director (though +the real names are neither given to the office nor to the chairman, +as you may be sure), because the fate of me and my diamond pin was +mysteriously bound up with both: as I am about to show. + +You must know that I was rather respected among our gents at the +West Diddlesex, because I came of a better family than most of +them; had received a classical education; and especially because I +had a rich aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, about whom, as must be confessed, I +used to boast a good deal. There is no harm in being respected in +this world, as I have found out; and if you don't brag a little for +yourself, depend on it there is no person of your acquaintance who +will tell the world of your merits, and take the trouble off your +hands. + +So that when I came back to the office after my visit at home, and +took my seat at the old day-book opposite the dingy window that +looks into Birchin Lane, I pretty soon let the fellows know that +Mrs. Hoggarty, though she had not given me a large sum of money, as +I expected--indeed, I had promised a dozen of them a treat down the +river, should the promised riches have come to me--I let them know, +I say, that though my aunt had not given me any money, she had +given me a splendid diamond, worth at least thirty guineas, and +that some day I would sport it at the shop. + +"Oh, let's see it!" says Abednego, whose father was a mock-jewel +and gold-lace merchant in Hanway Yard; and I promised that he +should have a sight of it as soon as it was set. As my pocket- +money was run out too (by coach-hire to and from home, five +shillings to our maid at home, ten to my aunt's maid and man, five- +and-twenty shillings lost at whist, as I said, and fifteen-and-six +paid for a silver scissors for the dear little fingers of +Somebody), Roundhand, who was very good-natured, asked me to dine, +and advanced me 7L. 1S. 8D., a month's salary. It was at +Roundhand's house, Myddelton Square, Pentonville, over a fillet of +veal and bacon and a glass of port, that I learned and saw how his +wife ill-treated him; as I have told before. Poor fellow!--we +under-clerks all thought it was a fine thing to sit at a desk by +oneself, and have 50L. per month, as Roundhand had; but I've a +notion that Hoskins and I, blowing duets on the flute together in +our second floor in Salisbury Square, were a great deal more at +ease than our head--and more IN HARMONY, too; though we made sad +work of the music, certainly. + +One day Gus Hoskins and I asked leave from Roundhand to be off at +three o'clock, as we had PARTICULAR BUSINESS at the West End. He +knew it was about the great Hoggarty diamond, and gave us +permission; so off we set. When we reached St. Martin's Lane, Gus +got a cigar, to give himself as it were a distingue air, and pulled +at it all the way up the Lane, and through the alleys into Coventry +Street, where Mr. Polonius's shop is, as everybody knows. + +The door was open, and a number of carriages full of ladies were +drawing up and setting down. Gus kept his hands in his pockets-- +trousers were worn very full then, with large tucks, and pigeon- +holes for your boots, or Bluchers, to come through (the +fashionables wore boots, but we chaps in the City, on 80L. a year, +contented ourselves with Bluchers); and as Gus stretched out his +pantaloons as wide as he could from his hips, and kept blowing away +at his cheroot, and clamping with the iron heels of his boots, and +had very large whiskers for so young a man, he really looked quite +the genteel thing, and was taken by everybody to be a person of +consideration. + +He would not come into the shop though, but stood staring at the +gold pots and kettles in the window outside. I went in; and after +a little hemming and hawing--for I had never been at such a +fashionable place before--asked one of the gentlemen to let me +speak to Mr. Polonius. + +"What can I do for you, sir?" says Mr. Polonius, who was standing +close by, as it happened, serving three ladies,--a very old one and +two young ones, who were examining pearl necklaces very +attentively. + +"Sir," said I, producing my jewel out of my coat-pocket, "this +jewel has, I believe, been in your house before: it belonged to my +aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, of Castle Hoggarty." The old lady standing +near looked round as I spoke. + +"I sold her a gold neck-chain and repeating watch in the year +1795," said Mr. Polonius, who made it a point to recollect +everything; "and a silver punch-ladle to the Captain. How is the +Major--Colonel--General--eh, sir?" + +"The General," said I, "I am sorry to say"--though I was quite +proud that this man of fashion should address me so.--"Mr. Hoggarty +is--no more. My aunt has made me a present, however, of this--this +trinket--which, as you see, contains her husband's portrait, that I +will thank you, sir, to preserve for me very carefully; and she +wishes that you would set this diamond neatly." + +"Neatly and handsomely, of course, sir." + +"Neatly, in the present fashion; and send down the account to her. +There is a great deal of gold about the trinket, for which, of +course, you will make an allowance." + +"To the last fraction of a sixpence," says Mr. Polonius, bowing, +and looking at the jewel. "It's a wonderful piece of goods, +certainly," said he; "though the diamond's a neat little bit, +certainly. Do, my Lady, look at it. The thing is of Irish +manufacture, bears the stamp of '95, and will recall perhaps the +times of your Ladyship's earliest youth." + +"Get ye out, Mr. Polonius!" said the old lady, a little wizen-faced +old lady, with her face puckered up in a million of wrinkles. "How +DAR you, sir, to talk such nonsense to an old woman like me? +Wasn't I fifty years old in '95, and a grandmother in '96?" She +put out a pair of withered trembling hands, took up the locket, +examined it for a minute, and then burst out laughing: "As I live, +it's the great Hoggarty diamond!" + +Good heavens! what was this talisman that had come into my +possession? + +"Look, girls," continued the old lady: "this is the great jew'l of +all Ireland. This red-faced man in the middle is poor Mick +Hoggarty, a cousin of mine, who was in love with me in the year +'84, when I had just lost your poor dear grandpapa. These thirteen +sthreamers of red hair represent his thirteen celebrated sisters,-- +Biddy, Minny, Thedy, Widdy (short for Williamina), Freddy, Izzy, +Tizzy, Mysie, Grizzy, Polly, Dolly, Nell, and Bell--all married, +all ugly, and all carr'ty hair. And of which are you the son, +young man?--though, to do you justice, you're not like the family." + +Two pretty young ladies turned two pretty pairs of black eyes at +me, and waited for an answer: which they would have had, only the +old lady began rattling on a hundred stories about the thirteen +ladies above named, and all their lovers, all their +disappointments, and all the duels of Mick Hoggarty. She was a +chronicle of fifty-years-old scandal. At last she was interrupted +by a violent fit of coughing; at the conclusion of which Mr. +Polonius very respectfully asked me where he should send the pin, +and whether I would like the hair kept. + +"No," says I, "never mind the hair." + +"And the pin, sir?" + +I had felt ashamed about telling my address: "But, bang it!" +thought I, "why SHOULD I? - + + +'A king can make a belted knight, +A marquess, duke, and a' that; +An honest man's abune his might - +Gude faith, he canna fa' that.' + + +Why need I care about telling these ladies where I live?" + +"Sir," says I, "have the goodness to send the parcel, when done, to +Mr. Titmarsh, No. 3 Bell Lane, Salisbury Square, near St. Bride's +Church, Fleet Street. Ring, if you please, the two-pair bell." + +"WHAT, sir?" said Mr. Polonius. + +"HWAT!" shrieked the old lady. "Mr. Hwat? Mais, ma chere, c'est +impayable. Come along--here's the carr'age! Give me your arm, Mr. +Hwat, and get inside, and tell me all about your thirteen aunts." + +She seized on my elbow and hobbled through the shop as fast as +possible; the young ladies following her, laughing. + +"Now, jump in, do you hear?" said she, poking her sharp nose out of +the window. + +"I can't, ma'am," says I; "I have a friend." + +"Pooh, pooh! send 'um to the juice, and jump in!" And before +almost I could say a word, a great powdered fellow in yellow-plush +breeches pushed me up the steps and banged the door to. + +I looked just for one minute as the barouche drove away at Hoskins, +and never shall forget his figure. There stood Gus, his mouth wide +open, his eyes staring, a smoking cheroot in his hand, wondering +with all his might at the strange thing that had just happened to +me. + +"Who IS that Titmarsh?" says Gus: "there's a coronet on the +carriage, by Jingo!" + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +HOW THE POSSESSOR OF THE DIAMOND IS WHISKED INTO A MAGNIFICENT +CHARIOT, AND HAS YET FURTHER GOOD LUCK + +I sat on the back seat of the carriage, near a very nice young +lady, about my dear Mary's age--that is to say, seventeen and +three-quarters; and opposite us sat the old Countess and her other +grand-daughter--handsome too, but ten years older. I recollect I +had on that day my blue coat and brass buttons, nankeen trousers, a +white sprig waist-coat, and one of Dando's silk hats, that had just +come in in the year '22, and looked a great deal more glossy than +the best beaver. + +"And who was that hidjus manster"--that was the way her Ladyship +pronounced,--"that ojous vulgar wretch, with the iron heels to his +boots, and the big mouth, and the imitation goold neck-chain, who +STEERED at us so as we got into the carriage?" + +How she should have known that Gus's chain was mosaic I can't tell; +but so it was, and we had bought it for five-and-twenty and +sixpence only the week before at M'Phail's, in St. Paul's +Churchyard. But I did not like to hear my friend abused, and so +spoke out for him - + +"Ma'am," says I, "that young gentleman's name is Augustus Hoskins. +We live together; and a better or more kind-hearted fellow does not +exist." + +"You are quite right to stand up for your friends, sir," said the +second lady; whose name, it appears, was Lady Jane, but whom the +grandmamma called Lady Jene. + +"Well, upon me conscience, so he is now, Lady Jene; and I like +sper't in a young man. So his name is Hoskins, is it? I know, my +dears, all the Hoskinses in England. There are the Lincolnshire +Hoskinses, the Shropshire Hoskinses: they say the Admiral's +daughter, Bell, was in love with a black footman, or boatswain, or +some such thing; but the world's so censorious. There's old Doctor +Hoskins of Bath, who attended poor dear Drum in the quinsy; and +poor dear old Fred Hoskins, the gouty General: I remember him as +thin as a lath in the year '84, and as active as a harlequin, and +in love with me--oh, how he was in love with me!" + +"You seem to have had a host of admirers in those days, +Grandmamma?" said Lady Jane. + +"Hundreds, my dear,--hundreds of thousands. I was the toast of +Bath, and a great beauty, too: would you ever have thought it now, +upon your conscience and without flattery, Mr.-a-What-d'ye-call- +'im?" + +"Indeed, ma'am, I never should," I answered, for the old lady was +as ugly as possible; and at my saying this the two young ladies +began screaming with laughter, and I saw the two great-whiskered +footmen grinning over the back of the carriage. + +"Upon my word, you're mighty candid, Mr. What's-your-name--mighty +candid indeed; but I like candour in young people. But a beauty I +was. Just ask your friend's uncle the General. He's one of the +Lincolnshire Hoskinses--I knew he was by the strong family +likeness. Is he the eldest son? It's a pretty property, though +sadly encumbered; for old Sir George was the divvle of a man--a +friend of Hanbury Williams, and Lyttleton, and those horrid, +monstrous, ojous people! How much will he have now, mister, when +the Admiral dies?" + +"Why, ma'am, I can't say; but the Admiral is not my friend's +father." + +"Not his father?--but he IS, I tell you, and I'm never wrong. Who +is his father, then?" + +"Ma'am, Gus's father's a leatherseller in Skinner Street, Snow +Hill,--a very respectable house, ma'am. But Gus is only third son, +and so can't expect a great share in the property." + +The two young ladies smiled at this--the old lady said, "Hwat?" + +"I like you, sir," Lady Jane said, "for not being ashamed of your +friends, whatever their rank of life may be. Shall we have the +pleasure of setting you down anywhere, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +"Noways particular, my Lady," says I. "We have a holiday at our +office to-day--at least Roundhand gave me and Gus leave; and I +shall be very happy, indeed, to take a drive in the Park, if it's +no offence." + +"I'm sure it will give us--infinite pleasure," said Lady Jane; +though rather in a grave way. + +"Oh, that it will!" says Lady Fanny, clapping her hands: "won't +it, Grandmamma? And after we have been in the Park, we can walk in +Kensington Gardens, if Mr. Titmarsh will be good enough to +accompany us." + +"Indeed, Fanny, we will do no such thing," says Lady Jane. + +"Indeed, but we will though!" shrieked out Lady Drum. "Ain't I +dying to know everything about his uncle and thirteen aunts? and +you're all chattering so, you young women, that not a blessed +syllable will you allow me or my young friend here to speak." + +Lady Jane gave a shrug with her shoulders, and did not say a single +word more. Lady Fanny, who was as gay as a young kitten (if I may +be allowed so to speak of the aristocracy), laughed, and blushed, +and giggled, and seemed quite to enjoy her sister's ill-humour. +And the Countess began at once, and entered into the history of the +thirteen Misses Hoggarty, which was not near finished when we +entered the Park. + +When there, you can't think what hundreds of gents on horseback +came to the carriage and talked to the ladies. They had their joke +for Lady Drum, who seemed to be a character in her way; their bow +for Lady Jane; and, the young ones especially, their compliment for +Lady Fanny. + +Though she bowed and blushed, as a young lady should, Lady Fanny +seemed to be thinking of something else; for she kept her head out +of the carriage, looking eagerly among the horsemen, as if she +expected to see somebody. Aha! my Lady Fanny, I knew what it meant +when a young pretty lady like you was absent, and on the look-out, +and only half answered the questions put to her. Let alone Sam +Titmarsh--he knows what Somebody means as well as another, I +warrant. As I saw these manoeuvres going on, I could not help just +giving a wink to Lady Jane, as much as to say I knew what was what. +"I guess the young lady is looking for Somebody," says I. It was +then her turn to look queer, I assure you, and she blushed as red +as scarlet; but, after a minute, the good-natured little thing +looked at her sister, and both the young ladies put their +handkerchiefs up to their faces, and began laughing--laughing as if +I had said the funniest thing in the world. + +"Il est charmant, votre monsieur," said Lady Jane to her +grandmamma; and on which I bowed, and said, "Madame, vous me faites +beaucoup d'honneur:" for I know the French language, and was +pleased to find that these good ladies had taken a liking to me. +"I'm a poor humble lad, ma'am, not used to London society, and do +really feel it quite kind of you to take me by the hand so, and +give me a drive in your fine carriage." + +At this minute a gentleman on a black horse, with a pale face and a +tuft to his chin, came riding up to the carriage; and I knew by a +little start that Lady Fanny gave, and by her instantly looking +round the other way, that SOMEBODY was come at last. + +"Lady Drum," said he, "your most devoted servant! I have just been +riding with a gentleman who almost shot himself for love of the +beautiful Countess of Drum in the year--never mind the year." + +"Was it Killblazes?" said the lady: "he's a dear old man, and I'm +quite ready to go off with him this minute. Or was it that delight +of an old bishop? He's got a lock of my hair now--I gave it him +when he was Papa's chaplain; and let me tell you it would be a hard +matter to find another now in the same place." + +"Law, my Lady!" says I, "you don't say so?" + +"But indeed I do, my good sir," says she; "for between ourselves, +my head's as bare as a cannon-ball--ask Fanny if it isn't. Such a +fright as the poor thing got when she was a babby, and came upon me +suddenly in my dressing-room without my wig!" + +"I hope Lady Fanny has recovered from the shock," said "Somebody," +looking first at her, and then at me as if he had a mind to swallow +me. And would you believe it? all that Lady Fanny could say was, +"Pretty well, I thank you, my Lord;" and she said this with as much +fluttering and blushing as we used to say our Virgil at school-- +when we hadn't learned it. + +My Lord still kept on looking very fiercely at me, and muttered +something about having hoped to find a seat in Lady Drum's +carriage, as he was tired of riding; on which Lady Fanny muttered +something, too, about "a friend of Grandmamma's." + +"You should say a friend of yours, Fanny," says Lady Jane: "I am +sure we should never have come to the Park if Fanny had not +insisted upon bringing Mr. Titmarsh hither. Let me introduce the +Earl of Tiptoff to Mr. Titmarsh." But, instead of taking off his +hat, as I did mine, his Lordship growled out that he hoped for +another opportunity, and galloped off again on his black horse. +Why the deuce I should have offended him I never could understand. + +But it seemed as if I was destined to offend all the men that day; +for who should presently come up but the Right Honourable Edmund +Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State (as I know very +well by the almanac in our office) and the husband of Lady Jane. + +The Right Honourable Edmund was riding a grey cob, and was a fat +pale-faced man, who looked as if he never went into the open air. +"Who the devil's that?" said he to his wife, looking surlily both +at me and her. + +"Oh, it's a friend of Grandmamma's and Jane's," said Lady Fanny at +once, looking, like a sly rogue as she was, quite archly at her +sister--who in her turn appeared quite frightened, and looked +imploringly at her sister, and never dared to breathe a syllable. +"Yes, indeed," continued Lady Fanny, "Mr. Titmarsh is a cousin of +Grandmamma's by the mother's side: by the Hoggarty side. Didn't +you know the Hoggarties when you were in Ireland, Edmund, with Lord +Bagwig? Let me introduce you to Grandmamma's cousin, Mr. Titmarsh: +Mr. Titmarsh, my brother, Mr. Edmund Preston." + +There was Lady Jane all the time treading upon her sister's foot as +hard as possible, and the little wicked thing would take no notice; +and I, who had never heard of the cousinship, feeling as confounded +as could be. But I did not know the Countess of Drum near so well +as that sly minx her grand-daughter did; for the old lady, who had +just before called poor Gus Hoskins her cousin, had, it appeared, +the mania of fancying all the world related to her, and said - + +"Yes, we're cousins, and not very far removed. Mick Hoggarty's +grandmother was Millicent Brady, and she and my Aunt Towzer were +related, as all the world knows; for Decimus Brady, of Ballybrady, +married an own cousin of Aunt Towzer's mother, Bell Swift--that was +no relation of the Dean's, my love, who came but of a so-so family- +-and isn't THAT clear?" + +"Oh, perfectly, Grandmamma," said Lady Jane, laughing, while the +right honourable gent still rode by us, looking sour and surly. + +"And sure you knew the Hoggarties, Edmund?--the thirteen red-haired +girls--the nine graces, and four over, as poor Clanboy used to call +them. Poor Clan!--a cousin of yours and mine, Mr. Titmarsh, and +sadly in love with me he was too. Not remember them ALL now, +Edmund?--not remember?--not remember Biddy and Minny, and Thedy and +Widdy, and Mysie and Grizzy, and Polly and Dolly and the rest?" + +"D- the Miss Hoggarties, ma'am," said the right honourable gent; +and he said it with such energy, that his grey horse gave a sudden +lash out that well nigh sent him over his head. Lady Jane +screamed; Lady Fanny laughed; old Lady Drum looked as if she did +not care twopence, and said "Serve you right for swearing, you +ojous man you!" + +"Hadn't you better come into the carriage, Edmund--Mr. Preston?" +cried out the lady, anxiously. + +"Oh, I'm sure I'll slip out, ma'am," says I. + +"Pooh--pooh! don't stir," said Lady Drum: "it's my carriage; and +if Mr. Preston chooses to swear at a lady of my years in that ojous +vulgar way--in that ojous vulgar way I repeat--I don't see why my +friends should be inconvenienced for him. Let him sit on the dicky +if he likes, or come in and ride bodkin." It was quite clear that +my Lady Drum hated her grandson-in-law heartily; and I've remarked +somehow in families that this kind of hatred is by no means +uncommon. + +Mr. Preston, one of His Majesty's Secretaries of State, was, to +tell the truth, in a great fright upon his horse, and was glad to +get away from the kicking plunging brute. His pale face looked +still paler than before, and his hands and legs trembled, as he +dismounted from the cob and gave the reins to his servant. I +disliked the looks of the chap--of the master, I mean--at the first +moment he came up, when he spoke rudely to that nice gentle wife of +his; and I thought he was a cowardly fellow, as the adventure of +the cob showed him to be. Heaven bless you! a baby could have +ridden it; and here was the man with his soul in his mouth at the +very first kick. + +"Oh, quick! DO come in, Edmund," said Lady Fanny, laughing; and the +carriage steps being let down, and giving me a great scowl as he +came in, he was going to place himself in Lady Fanny's corner (I +warrant you I wouldn't budge from mine), when the little rogue +cried out, "Oh, no! by no means, Mr. Preston. Shut the door, +Thomas. And oh! what fun it will be to show all the world a +Secretary of State riding bodkin!" + +And pretty glum the Secretary of State looked, I assure you! + +"Take my place, Edmund, and don't mind Fanny's folly," said Lady +Jane, timidly. + +"Oh no! Pray, madam, don't stir! I'm comfortable, very +comfortable; and so I hope is this Mr.--this gentleman." + +"Perfectly, I assure you," says I. "I was going to offer to ride +your horse home for you, as you seemed to be rather frightened at +it; but the fact was, I was so comfortable here that really I +COULDN'T move." + +Such a grin as old Lady Drum gave when I said that!--how her little +eyes twinkled, and her little sly mouth puckered up! I couldn't +help speaking, for, look you, my blood was up. + +"We shall always be happy of your company, Cousin Titmarsh," says +she; and handed me a gold snuff-box, out of which I took a pinch, +and sneezed with the air of a lord. + +"As you have invited this gentleman into your carriage, Lady Jane +Preston, hadn't you better invite him home to dinner?" says Mr. +Preston, quite blue with rage. + +"I invited him into my carriage," says the old lady; "and as we are +going to dine at your house, and you press it, I'm sure I shall be +very happy to see him there." + +"I'm very sorry I'm engaged," said I. + +"Oh, indeed, what a pity!" says Right Honourable Ned, still +glowering at his wife. "What a pity that this gentleman--I forget +his name--that your friend, Lady Jane, is engaged! I am sure you +would have had such gratification in meeting your relation in +Whitehall." + +Lady Drum was over-fond of finding out relations to be sure; but +this speech of Right Honourable Ned's was rather too much. "Now, +Sam," says I, "be a man and show your spirit!" So I spoke up at +once, and said, "Why, ladies, as the right honourable gent is so +VERY pressing, I'll give up my engagement, and shall have sincere +pleasure in cutting mutton with him. What's your hour, sir?" + +He didn't condescend to answer, and for me I did not care; for, you +see, I did not intend to dine with the man, but only to give him a +lesson of manners. For though I am but a poor fellow, and hear +people cry out how vulgar it is to eat peas with a knife, or ask +three times for cheese, and such like points of ceremony, there's +something, I think, much more vulgar than all this, and that is, +insolence to one's inferiors. I hate the chap that uses it, as I +scorn him of humble rank that affects to be of the fashion; and so +I determined to let Mr. Preston know a piece of my mind. + +When the carriage drove up to his house, I handed out the ladies as +politely as possible, and walked into the hall, and then, taking +hold of Mr. Preston's button at the door, I said, before the ladies +and the two big servants--upon my word I did--"Sir," says I, "this +kind old lady asked me into her carriage, and I rode in it to +please her, not myself. When you came up and asked who the devil I +was, I thought you might have put the question in a more polite +manner; but it wasn't my business to speak. When, by way of a +joke, you invited me to dinner, I thought I would answer in a joke +too, and here I am. But don't be frightened; I'm not a-going to +dine with you: only if you play the same joke upon other parties-- +on some of the chaps in our office, for example--I recommend you to +have a care, or they will TAKE YOU AT YOUR WORD." + +"Is that all, sir?" says Mr. Preston, still in a rage. "If you +have done, will you leave this house, or shall my servants turn you +out? Turn out this fellow! do you hear me?" and he broke away from +me, and flung into his study in a rage. + +"He's an ojous horrid monsther of a man, that husband of yours!" +said Lady Drum, seizing hold of her elder grand-daughter's arm, +"and I hate him; and so come away, for the dinner'll be getting +cold:" and she was for hurrying away Lady Jane without more ado. +But that kind lady, coming forward, looking very pale and +trembling, said, "Mr. Titmarsh, I do hope you'll not be angry--that +is, that you'll forget what has happened, for, believe me, it has +given me very great--" + +Very great what, I never could say, for here the poor thing's eyes +filled with tears; and Lady Drum crying out "Tut, tut! none of this +nonsense," pulled her away by the sleeve, and went upstairs. But +little Lady Fanny walked boldly up to me, and held me out her +little hand, and gave mine such a squeeze and said, "Good-bye, my +dear Mr. Titmarsh," so very kindly, that I'm blest if I did not +blush up to the ears, and all the blood in my body began to tingle. + +So, when she was gone, I clapped my hat on my head, and walked out +of the hall-door, feeling as proud as a peacock and as brave as a +lion; and all I wished for was that one of those saucy grinning +footmen should say or do something to me that was the least +uncivil, so that I might have the pleasure of knocking him down, +with my best compliments to his master. But neither of them did me +any such favour! and I went away and dined at home off boiled +mutton and turnips with Gus Hoskins quite peacefully. + +I did not think it was proper to tell Gus (who, between ourselves, +is rather curious, and inclined to tittle-tattle) all the +particulars of the family quarrel of which I had been the cause and +witness, and so just said that the old lady--("They were the Drum +arms," says Gus; "for I went and looked them out that minute in the +'Peerage'")--that the old lady turned out to be a cousin of mine, +and that she had taken me to drive in the Park. Next day we went +to the office as usual, when you may be sure that Hoskins told +everything of what had happened, and a great deal more; and +somehow, though I did not pretend to care sixpence about the +matter, I must confess that I WAS rather pleased that the gents in +our office should hear of a part of my adventure. + +But fancy my surprise, on coming home in the evening, to find Mrs. +Stokes the landlady, Miss Selina Stokes her daughter, and Master +Bob Stokes her son (an idle young vagabond that was always playing +marbles on St. Bride's steps and in Salisbury Square),--when I +found them all bustling and tumbling up the steps before me to our +rooms on the second floor, and there, on the table, between our two +flutes on one side, my album, Gus's "Don Juan" and "Peerage" on the +other, I saw as follows:- + +1. A basket of great red peaches, looking like the cheeks of my +dear Mary Smith. + +2. A ditto of large, fat, luscious, heavy-looking grapes. + +3. An enormous piece of raw mutton, as I thought it was; but Mrs. +Stokes said it was the primest haunch of venison that ever she saw. + +And three cards--viz. + + +DOWAGER COUNTESS OF DRUM. +LADY FANNY RAKES. + +MR. PRESTON. +LADY JANE PRESTON. + +EARL OF TIPTOFF. + + +"Sich a carriage!" says Mrs. Stokes (for that was the way the poor +thing spoke). "Sich a carriage--all over coronites! sich liveries- +-two great footmen, with red whiskers and yellow-plush small- +clothes; and inside, a very old lady in a white poke bonnet, and a +young one with a great Leghorn hat and blue ribands, and a great +tall pale gentleman with a tuft on his chin. + +"'Pray, madam, does Mr. Titmarsh live here?' says the young lady, +with her clear voice. + +"'Yes, my Lady,' says I; 'but he's at the office--the West +Diddlesex Fire and Life Office, Cornhill.' + +"'Charles, get out the things,' says the gentleman, quite solemn. + +"'Yes, my Lord,' says Charles; and brings me out the haunch in a +newspaper, and on the chany dish as you see it, and the two baskets +of fruit besides. + +"'Have the kindness, madam,' says my Lord, 'to take these things to +Mr. Titmarsh's rooms, with our, with Lady Jane Preston's +compliments, and request his acceptance of them;' and then he +pulled out the cards on your table, and this letter, sealed with +his Lordship's own crown." + +And herewith Mrs. Stokes gave me a letter, which my wife keeps to +this day, by the way, and which runs thus:- + + +"The Earl of Tiptoff has been commissioned by Lady Jane Preston to +express her sincere regret and disappointment that she was not able +yesterday to enjoy the pleasure of Mr. Titmarsh's company. Lady +Jane is about to leave town immediately: she will therefore be +unable to receive her friends in Whitehall Place this season. But +Lord Tiptoff trusts that Mr. Titmarsh will have the kindness to +accept some of the produce of her Ladyship's garden and park; with +which, perhaps, he will entertain some of those friends in whose +favour he knows so well how to speak." + + +Along with this was a little note, containing the words "Lady Drum +at home. Friday evening, June 17." And all this came to me +because my aunt Hoggarty had given me a diamond-pin! + +I did not send back the venison: as why should I? Gus was for +sending it at once to Brough, our director; and the grapes and +peaches to my aunt in Somersetshire. + +"But no," says I; "we'll ask Bob Swinney and half-a-dozen more of +our gents; and we'll have a merry night of it on Saturday." And a +merry night we had too; and as we had no wine in the cupboard, we +had plenty of ale, and gin-punch afterwards. And Gus sat at the +foot of the table, and I at the head; and we sang songs, both comic +and sentimental, and drank toasts; and I made a speech that there +is no possibility of mentioning here, because, entre nous, I had +quite forgotten in the morning everything that had taken place +after a certain period on the night before. + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +HOW THE HAPPY DIAMOND-WEARER DINES AT PENTONVILLE + +I did not go to the office till half-an-hour after opening time on +Monday. If the truth must be told, I was not sorry to let Hoskins +have the start of me, and tell the chaps what had taken place,--for +we all have our little vanities, and I liked to be thought well of +by my companions. + +When I came in, I saw my business had been done, by the way in +which the chaps looked at me; especially Abednego, who offered me a +pinch out of his gold snuff-box the very first thing. Roundhand +shook me, too, warmly by the hand, when he came round to look over +my day-book, said I wrote a capital hand (and indeed I believe I +do, without any sort of flattery), and invited me for dinner next +Sunday, in Myddelton Square. "You won't have," said he, "quite +such a grand turn-out as with YOUR FRIENDS AT THE WEST END"--he +said this with a particular accent--"but Amelia and I are always +happy to see a friend in our plain way,--pale sherry, old port, and +cut and come again. Hey?" + +I said I would come and bring Hoskins too. + +He answered that I was very polite, and that he should be very +happy to see Hoskins; and we went accordingly at the appointed day +and hour; but though Gus was eleventh clerk and I twelfth, I +remarked that at dinner I was helped first and best. I had twice +as many force-meat balls as Hoskins in my mock-turtle, and pretty +nearly all the oysters out of the sauce-boat. Once, Roundhand was +going to help Gus before me; when his wife, who was seated at the +head of the table, looking very big and fierce in red crape and a +turban, shouted out, "ANTONY!" and poor R. dropped the plate, and +blushed as red as anything. How Mrs. R. did talk to me about the +West End to be sure! She had a "Peerage," as you may be certain, +and knew everything about the Drum family in a manner that quite +astonished me. She asked me how much Lord Drum had a year; whether +I thought he had twenty, thirty, forty, or a hundred and fifty +thousand a year; whether I was invited to Drum Castle; what the +young ladies wore, and if they had those odious gigot sleeves which +were just coming in then; and here Mrs. R. looked at a pair of +large mottled arms that she was very proud of. + +"I say, Sam my boy!" cried, in the midst of our talk, Mr. +Roundhand, who had been passing the port-wine round pretty freely, +"I hope you looked to the main chance, and put in a few shares of +the West Diddlesex,--hey?" + +"Mr. Roundhand, have you put up the decanters downstairs?" cries +the lady, quite angry, and wishing to stop the conversation. + +"No, Milly, I've emptied 'em," says R. + +"Don't Milly me, sir! and have the goodness to go down and tell +Lancy my maid" (a look at me) "to make the tea in the study. We +have a gentleman here who is not USED to Pentonville ways" (another +look); "but he won't mind the ways of FRIENDS." And here Mrs. +Roundhand heaved her very large chest, and gave me a third look +that was so severe, that I declare to goodness it made me look +quite foolish. As to Gus, she never so much as spoke to him all +the evening; but he consoled himself with a great lot of muffins, +and sat most of the evening (it was a cruel hot summer) whistling +and talking with Roundhand on the verandah. I think I should like +to have been with them,--for it was very close in the room with +that great big Mrs. Roundhand squeezing close up to one on the +sofa. + +"Do you recollect what a jolly night we had here last summer?" I +heard Hoskins say, who was leaning over the balcony, and ogling the +girls coming home from church. "You and me with our coats off, +plenty of cold rum-and-water, Mrs. Roundhand at Margate, and a +whole box of Manillas?" + +"Hush!" said Roundhand, quite eagerly; "Milly will hear." + +But Milly didn't hear: for she was occupied in telling me an +immense long story about her waltzing with the Count de +Schloppenzollern at the City ball to the Allied Sovereigns; and how +the Count had great large white moustaches; and how odd she thought +it to go whirling round the room with a great man's arm round your +waist. "Mr. Roundhand has never allowed it since our marriage-- +never; but in the year 'fourteen it was considered a proper +compliment, you know, to pay the sovereigns. So twenty-nine young +ladies, of the best families in the City of London, I assure you, +Mr. Titmarsh--there was the Lord Mayor's own daughters; Alderman +Dobbins's gals; Sir Charles Hopper's three, who have the great +house in Baker Street; and your humble servant, who was rather +slimmer in those days--twenty-nine of us had a dancing-master on +purpose, and practised waltzing in a room over the Egyptian Hall at +the Mansion House. He was a splendid man, that Count +Schloppenzollern!" + +"I am sure, ma'am," says I, "he had a splendid partner!" and +blushed up to my eyes when I said it. + +"Get away, you naughty creature!" says Mrs. Roundhand, giving me a +great slap: "you're all the same, you men in the West End--all +deceivers. The Count was just like you. Heigho! Before you +marry, it's all honey and compliments; when you win us, it's all +coldness and indifference. Look at Roundhand, the great baby, +trying to beat down a butterfly with his yellow bandanna! Can a +man like THAT comprehend me? can he fill the void in my heart?" +(She pronounced it without the h; but that there should be no +mistake, laid her hand upon the place meant.) "Ah, no! Will YOU +be so neglectful when YOU marry, Mr. Titmarsh?" + +As she spoke, the bells were just tolling the people out of church, +and I fell a-thinking of my dear dear Mary Smith in the country, +walking home to her grandmother's, in her modest grey cloak, as the +bells were chiming and the air full of the sweet smell of the hay, +and the river shining in the sun, all crimson, purple, gold, and +silver. There was my dear Mary a hundred and twenty miles off, in +Somersetshire, walking home from church along with Mr. Snorter's +family, with which she came and went; and I was listening to the +talk of this great leering vulgar woman. + +I could not help feeling for a certain half of a sixpence that you +have heard me speak of; and putting my hand mechanically upon my +chest, I tore my fingers with the point of my new DIAMOND-PIN. Mr. +Polonius had sent it home the night before, and I sported it for +the first time at Roundhand's to dinner. + +"It's a beautiful diamond," said Mrs. Roundhand. "I have been +looking at it all dinner-time. How rich you must be to wear such +splendid things! and how can you remain in a vulgar office in the +City--you who have such great acquaintances at the West End?" + +The woman had somehow put me in such a passion that I bounced off +the sofa, and made for the balcony without answering a word,--ay, +and half broke my head against the sash, too, as I went out to the +gents in the open air. "Gus," says I, "I feel very unwell: I wish +you'd come home with me." And Gus did not desire anything better; +for he had ogled the last girl out of the last church, and the +night was beginning to fall. + +"What! already?" said Mrs. Roundhand; "there is a lobster coming +up,--a trifling refreshment; not what he's accustomed to, but--" + +I am sorry to say I nearly said, "D- the lobster!" as Roundhand +went and whispered to her that I was ill. + +"Ay," said Gus, looking very knowing. "Recollect, Mrs. R., that he +was AT THE WEST END on Thursday, asked to dine, ma'am, with the +tip-top nobs. Chaps don't dine at the West End for nothing, do +they, R.? If you play at BOWLS, you know--" + +"You must look out for RUBBERS," said Roundhand, as quick as +thought. + +"Not in my house of a Sunday," said Mrs. R., looking very fierce +and angry. "Not a card shall be touched here. Are we in a +Protestant land, sir? in a Christian country?" + +"My dear, you don't understand. We were not talking of rubbers of +whist." + +"There shall be NO game at all in the house of a Sabbath eve," said +Mrs. Roundhand; and out she flounced from the room, without ever so +much as wishing us good-night. + +"Do stay," said the husband, looking very much frightened,--"do +stay. She won't come back while you're here; and I do wish you'd +stay so." + +But we wouldn't: and when we reached Salisbury Square, I gave Gus +a lecture about spending his Sundays idly; and read out one of +Blair's sermons before we went to bed. As I turned over in bed, I +could not help thinking about the luck the pin had brought me; and +it was not over yet, as you will see in the next chapter. + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +HOW THE DIAMOND INTRODUCES HIM TO A STILL MORE FASHIONABLE PLACE + +To tell the truth, though, about the pin, although I mentioned it +almost the last thing in the previous chapter, I assure you it was +by no means the last thing in my thoughts. It had come home from +Mr. Polonius's, as I said, on Saturday night; and Gus and I +happened to be out enjoying ourselves, half-price, at Sadler's +Wells; and perhaps we took a little refreshment on our way back: +but that has nothing to do with my story. + +On the table, however, was the little box from the jeweller's; and +when I took it out,--MY, how the diamond did twinkle and glitter by +the light of our one candle! + +"I'm sure it would light up the room of itself," says Gus. "I've +read they do in--in history." + +It was in the history of Cogia Hassan Alhabbal, in the "Arabian +Nights," as I knew very well. But we put the candle out, +nevertheless, to try. + +"Well, I declare to goodness it does illuminate the old place!" +says Gus; but the fact was, that there was a gas-lamp opposite our +window, and I believe that was the reason why we could see pretty +well. At least in my bedroom, to which I was obliged to go without +a candle, and of which the window looked out on a dead wall, I +could not see a wink, in spite of the Hoggarty diamond, and was +obliged to grope about in the dark for a pincushion which Somebody +gave me (I don't mind owning it was Mary Smith), and in which I +stuck it for the night. But, somehow, I did not sleep much for +thinking of it, and woke very early in the morning; and, if the +truth must be told, stuck it in my night-gown, like a fool, and +admired myself very much in the glass. + +Gus admired it as much as I did; for since my return, and +especially since my venison dinner and drive with Lady Drum, he +thought I was the finest fellow in the world, and boasted about his +"West End friend" everywhere. + +As we were going to dine at Roundhand's, and I had no black satin +stock to set it off, I was obliged to place it in the frill of my +best shirt, which tore the muslin sadly, by the way. However, the +diamond had its effect on my entertainers, as we have seen; rather +too much perhaps on one of them; and next day I wore it down at the +office, as Gus would make me do; though it did not look near so +well in the second day's shirt as on the first day, when the linen +was quite clear and bright with Somersetshire washing. + +The chaps at the West Diddlesex all admired it hugely, except that +snarling Scotchman M'Whirter, fourth clerk,--out of envy because I +did not think much of a great yellow stone, named a carum-gorum, or +some such thing, which he had in a snuff-mull, as he called it,-- +all except M'Whirter, I say, were delighted with it; and Abednego +himself, who ought to know, as his father was in the line, told me +the jewel was worth at least ten poundsh, and that his governor +would give me as much for it. + +"That's a proof," says Roundhand, "that Tit's diamond is worth at +least thirty." And we all laughed, and agreed it was. + +Now I must confess that all these praises, and the respect that wag +paid me, turned my head a little; and as all the chaps said I MUST +have a black satin stock to set the stone off, was fool enough to +buy a stock that cost me five-and-twenty shillings, at Ludlam's in +Piccadilly: for Gus said I must go to the best place, to be sure, +and have none of our cheap and common East End stuff. I might have +had one for sixteen and six in Cheapside, every whit as good; but +when a young lad becomes vain, and wants to be fashionable, you see +he can't help being extravagant. + +Our director, Mr. Brough, did not fail to hear of the haunch of +venison business, and my relationship with Lady Drum and the Right +Honourable Edmund Preston: only Abednego, who told him, said I was +her Ladyship's first cousin; and this made Brough think more of me, +and no worse than before. + +Mr. B. was, as everybody knows, Member of Parliament for +Rottenburgh; and being considered one of the richest men in the +City of London, used to receive all the great people of the land at +his villa at Fulham; and we often read in the papers of the rare +doings going on there. + +Well, the pin certainly worked wonders: for not content merely +with making me a present of a ride in a countess's carriage, of a +haunch of venison and two baskets of fruit, and the dinner at +Roundhand's above described, my diamond had other honours in store +for me, and procured me the honour of an invitation to the house of +our director, Mr. Brough. + +Once a year, in June, that honourable gent gave a grand ball at his +house at Fulham; and by the accounts of the entertainment brought +back by one or two of our chaps who had been invited, it was one of +the most magnificent things to be seen about London. You saw +Members of Parliament there as thick as peas in July, lords and +ladies without end. There was everything and everybody of the tip- +top sort; and I have heard that Mr. Gunter, of Berkeley Square, +supplied the ices, supper, and footmen,--though of the latter +Brough kept a plenty, but not enough to serve the host of people +who came to him. The party, it must be remembered, was MRS. +Brough's party, not the gentleman's,--he being in the Dissenting +way, would scarcely sanction any entertainments of the kind: but +he told his City friends that his lady governed him in everything; +and it was generally observed that most of them would allow their +daughters to go to the ball if asked, on account of the immense +number of the nobility which our director assembled together: Mrs. +Roundhand, I know, for one, would have given one of her ears to go; +but, as I have said before, nothing would induce Brough to ask her. + +Roundhand himself, and Gutch, nineteenth clerk, son of the brother +of an East Indian director, were the only two of our gents invited, +as we knew very well: for they had received their invitations many +weeks before, and bragged about them not a little. But two days +before the ball, and after my diamond-pin had had its due effect +upon the gents at the office, Abednego, who had been in the +directors' room, came to my desk with a great smirk, and said, +"Tit, Mr. B. says that he expects you will come down with Roundhand +to the ball on Thursday." I thought Moses was joking,--at any +rate, that Mr. B.'s message was a queer one; for people don't +usually send invitations in that abrupt peremptory sort of way; +but, sure enough, he presently came down himself and confirmed it, +saying, as he was going out of the office, "Mr. Titmarsh, you will +come down on Thursday to Mrs. Brough's party, where you will see +some relations of yours." + +"West End again!" says that Gus Hoskins; and accordingly down I +went, taking a place in a cab which Roundhand hired for himself, +Gutch, and me, and for which he very generously paid eight +shillings. + +There is no use to describe the grand gala, nor the number of lamps +in the lodge and in the garden, nor the crowd of carriages that +came in at the gates, nor the troops of curious people outside; nor +the ices, fiddlers, wreaths of flowers, and cold supper within. +The whole description was beautifully given in a fashionable paper, +by a reporter who observed the same from the "Yellow Lion" over the +way, and told it in his journal in the most accurate manner; +getting an account of the dresses of the great people from their +footmen and coachmen, when they came to the alehouse for their +porter. As for the names of the guests, they, you may be sure, +found their way to the same newspaper: and a great laugh was had +at my expense, because among the titles of the great people +mentioned my name appeared in the list of the "Honourables." Next +day, Brough advertised "a hundred and fifty guineas reward for an +emerald necklace lost at the party of John Brough, Esq., at +Fulham;" though some of our people said that no such thing was lost +at all, and that Brough only wanted to advertise the magnificence +of his society; but this doubt was raised by persons not invited, +and envious no doubt. + +Well, I wore my diamond, as you may imagine, and rigged myself in +my best clothes, viz. my blue coat and brass buttons before +mentioned, nankeen trousers and silk stockings, a white waistcoat, +and a pair of white gloves bought for the occasion. But my coat +was of country make, very high in the waist and short in the +sleeves, and I suppose must have looked rather odd to some of the +great people assembled, for they stared at me a great deal, and a +whole crowd formed to see me dance--which I did to the best of my +power, performing all the steps accurately and with great agility, +as I had been taught by our dancing-master in the country. + +And with whom do you think I had the honour to dance? With no less +a person than Lady Jane Preston; who, it appears, had not gone out +of town, and who shook me most kindly by the hand when she saw me, +and asked me to dance with her. We had my Lord Tiptoff and Lady +Fanny Rakes for our vis-a-vis. + +You should have seen how the people crowded to look at us, and +admired my dancing too, for I cut the very best of capers, quite +different to the rest of the gents (my Lord among the number), who +walked through the quadrille as if they thought it a trouble, and +stared at my activity with all their might. But when I have a +dance I like to enjoy myself: and Mary Smith often said I was the +very best partner at our assemblies. While we were dancing, I told +Lady Jane how Roundhand, Gutch, and I, had come down three in a +cab, besides the driver; and my account of our adventures made her +Ladyship laugh, I warrant you. Lucky it was for me that I didn't +go back in the same vehicle; for the driver went and intoxicated +himself at the "Yellow Lion," threw out Gutch and our head clerk as +he was driving them back, and actually fought Gutch afterwards and +blacked his eye, because he said that Gutch's red waistcoat +frightened the horse. + +Lady Jane, however, spared me such an uncomfortable ride home: for +she said she had a fourth place in her carriage, and asked me if I +would accept it; and positively, at two o'clock in the morning, +there was I, after setting the ladies and my Lord down, driven to +Salisbury Square in a great thundering carriage, with flaming lamps +and two tall footmen, who nearly knocked the door and the whole +little street down with the noise they made at the rapper. You +should have seen Gus's head peeping out of window in his white +nightcap! He kept me up the whole night telling him about the +ball, and the great people I had seen there; and next day he told +at the office my stories, with his own usual embroideries upon +them. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," said Lady Fanny, laughing to me, "who is that great +fat curious man, the master of the house? Do you know he asked me +if you were not related to us? and I said, 'Oh, yes, you were.'" + +"Fanny!" says Lady Jane. + +"Well," answered the other, "did not Grandmamma say Mr. Titmarsh +was her cousin?" + +"But you know that Grandmamma's memory is not very good." + +"Indeed, you're wrong, Lady Jane," says my Lord; "I think it's +prodigious." + +"Yes, but not very--not very accurate." + +"No, my Lady," says I; "for her Ladyship, the Countess of Drum, +said, if you remember, that my friend Gus Hoskins--" + +"Whose cause you supported so bravely," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--That my friend Gus is her Ladyship's cousin too, which cannot +be, for I know all his family: they live in Skinner Street and St. +Mary Axe, and are not--not quite so RESPECTABLE as MY relatives." + +At this they all began to laugh; and my Lord said, rather haughtily +- + +"Depend upon it, Mr. Titmarsh, that Lady Drum is no more your +cousin than she is the cousin of your friend Mr. Hoskinson." + +"Hoskins, my Lord--and so I told Gus; but you see he is very fond +of me, and WILL have it that I am related to Lady D.: and say what +I will to the contrary, tells the story everywhere. Though to be +sure," added I with a laugh, "it has gained me no small good in my +time." So I described to the party our dinner at Mrs. Roundhand's, +which all came from my diamond-pin, and my reputation as a +connection of the aristocracy. Then I thanked Lady Jane handsomely +for her magnificent present of fruit and venison, and told her that +it had entertained a great number of kind friends of mine, who had +drunk her Ladyship's health with the greatest gratitude. + +"A HAUNCH OF VENISON!" cried Lady Jane, quite astonished; "indeed, +Mr. Titmarsh, I am quite at a loss to understand you." + +As we passed a gas-lamp, I saw Lady Fanny laughing as usual, and +turning her great arch sparkling black eyes at Lord Tiptoff. + +"Why, Lady Jane," said he, "if the truth must out, the great haunch +of venison trick was one of this young lady's performing. You must +know that I had received the above-named haunch from Lord +Guttlebury's park: and knowing that Preston is not averse to +Guttlebury venison, was telling Lady Drum (in whose carriage I had +a seat that day, as Mr. Titmarsh was not in the way), that I +intended the haunch for your husband's table. Whereupon my Lady +Fanny, clapping together her little hands, declared and vowed that +the venison should not go to Preston, but should be sent to a +gentleman about whose adventures on the day previous we had just +been talking--to Mr. Titmarsh, in fact; whom Preston, as Fanny +vowed, had used most cruelly, and to whom, she said, a reparation +was due. So my Lady Fanny insists upon our driving straight to my +rooms in the Albany (you know I am only to stay in my bachelor's +quarters a month longer)--" + +"Nonsense!" says Lady Fanny. + +"--Insists upon driving straight to my chambers in the Albany, +extracting thence the above-named haunch--" + +"Grandmamma was very sorry to part with it," cries Lady Fanny. + +"--And then she orders us to proceed to Mr. Titmarsh's house in the +City, where the venison was left, in company with a couple of +baskets of fruit bought at Grange's by Lady Fanny herself." + +"And what was more," said Lady Fanny, "I made Grandmamma go into +Fr--into Lord Tiptoff's rooms, and dictated out of my own mouth the +letter which he wrote, and pinned up the haunch of venison that his +hideous old housekeeper brought us--I am quite jealous of her--I +pinned up the haunch of venison in a copy of the John Bull +newspaper." + +It had one of the Ramsbottom letters in it, I remember, which Gus +and I read on Sunday at breakfast, and we nearly killed ourselves +with laughing. The ladies laughed too when I told them this; and +good-natured Lady Jane said she would forgive her sister, and hoped +I would too: which I promised to do as often as her Ladyship chose +to repeat the offence. + +I never had any more venison from the family; but I'll tell you +WHAT I had. About a month after came a card of "Lord and Lady +Tiptoff," and a great piece of plum-cake; of which, I am sorry to +say, Gus ate a great deal too much. + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +OF THE WEST DIDDLESEX ASSOCIATION, AND OF THE EFFECT THE DIAMOND +HAD THERE + +Well, the magic of the pin was not over yet. Very soon after Mrs. +Brough's grand party, our director called me up to his room at the +West Diddlesex, and after examining my accounts, and speaking +awhile about business, said, "That's a very fine diamond-pin, +Master Titmarsh" (he spoke in a grave patronising way), "and I +called you on purpose to speak to you upon the subject. I do not +object to seeing the young men of this establishment well and +handsomely dressed; but I know that their salaries cannot afford +ornaments like those, and I grieve to see you with a thing of such +value. You have paid for it, sir,-- I trust you have paid for it; +for, of all things, my dear--dear young friend, beware of debt." + +I could not conceive why Brough was reading me this lecture about +debt and my having bought the diamond-pin, as I knew that he had +been asking about it already, and how I came by it--Abednego told +me so. "Why, sir," says I, "Mr. Abednego told me that he had told +you that I had told him--" + +"Oh, ay-by-the-bye, now I recollect, Mr. Titmarsh--I do recollect-- +yes; though I suppose, sir, you will imagine that I have other more +important things to remember." + +"Oh, sir, in course," says I. + +"That one of the clerks DID say something about a pin--that one of +the other gentlemen had it. And so your pin was given you, was +it?" + +"It was given me, sir, by my aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle +Hoggarty," said I, raising my voice; for I was a little proud of +Castle Hoggarty. + +"She must be very rich to make such presents, Titmarsh?" + +"Why, thank you, sir," says I, "she is pretty well off. Four +hundred a year jointure; a farm at Slopperton, sir; three houses at +Squashtail; and three thousand two hundred loose cash at the +banker's, as I happen to know, sir,--THAT'S ALL." + +I did happen to know this, you see; because, while I was down in +Somersetshire, Mr. MacManus, my aunt's agent in Ireland, wrote to +say that a mortgage she had on Lord Brallaghan's property had just +been paid off, and that the money was lodged at Coutts's. Ireland +was in a very disturbed state in those days; and my aunt wisely +determined not to invest her money in that country any more, but to +look out for some good security in England. However, as she had +always received six per cent. in Ireland, she would not hear of a +smaller interest; and had warned me, as I was a commercial man, on +coming to town, to look out for some means by which she could +invest her money at that rate at least. + +"And how do you come to know Mrs. Hoggarty's property so +accurately?" said Mr. Brough; upon which I told him. + +"Good heavens, sir! and do you mean that you, a clerk in the West +Diddlesex Insurance Office, applied to by a respectable lady as to +the manner in which she should invest property, never spoke to her +about the Company which you have the honour to serve? Do you mean, +sir, that you, knowing there was a bonus of five per cent. for +yourself upon shares taken, did not press Mrs. Hoggarty to join +us?" + +"Sir," says I, "I'm an honest man, and would not take a bonus from +my own relation." + +"Honest I know you are, my boy--give me your hand! So am I honest- +-so is every man in this Company honest; but we must be prudent as +well. We have five millions of capital on our books, as you see-- +five bona fide millions of bona fide sovereigns paid up, sir,-- +there is no dishonesty there. But why should we not have twenty +millions--a hundred millions? Why should not this be the greatest +commercial Association in the world?--as it shall be, sir,--it +shall, as sure as my name is John Brough, if Heaven bless my honest +endeavours to establish it! But do you suppose that it can be so, +unless every man among us use his utmost exertions to forward the +success of the enterprise? Never, sir,--never; and, for me, I say +so everywhere. I glory in what I do. There is not a house in +which I enter, but I leave a prospectus of the West Diddlesex. +There is not a single tradesman I employ, but has shares in it to +some amount. My servants, sir,--my very servants and grooms, are +bound up with it. And the first question I ask of anyone who +applies to me for a place is, Are you insured or a shareholder in +the West Diddlesex? the second, Have you a good character? And if +the first question is answered in the negative, I say to the party +coming to me, Then be a shareholder before you ask for a place in +my household. Did you not see me--me, John Brough, whose name is +good for millions--step out of my coach-and-four into this office, +with four pounds nineteen, which I paid in to Mr. Roundhand as the +price of half a share for the porter at my lodge-gate? Did you +remark that I deducted a shilling from the five pound?" + +"Yes, sir; it was the day you drew out eight hundred and seventy- +three ten and six--Thursday week," says I. + +"And why did I deduct that shilling, sir? Because it was MY +COMMISSION--John Brough's commission; honestly earned by him, and +openly taken. Was there any disguise about it? No. Did I do it +for the love of a shilling? No," says Brough, laying his hand on +his heart, "I did it from PRINCIPLE,--from that motive which guides +every one of my actions, as I can look up to Heaven and say. I +wish all my young men to see my example, and follow it: I wish--I +pray that they may. Think of that example, sir. That porter of +mine has a sick wife and nine young children: he is himself a sick +man, and his tenure of life is feeble; he has earned money, sir, in +my service--sixty pounds and more--it is all his children have to +look to--all: but for that, in the event of his death, they would +be houseless beggars in the street. And what have I done for that +family, sir? I have put that money out of the reach of Robert +Gates, and placed it so that it shall be a blessing to his family +at his death. Every farthing is invested in shares in this office; +and Robert Gates, my lodge-porter, is a holder of three shares in +the West Diddlesex Association, and, in that capacity, your master +and mine. Do you think I want to CHEAT Gates?" + +"Oh, sir!" says I. + +"To cheat that poor helpless man, and those tender innocent +children!--you can't think so, sir; I should be a disgrace to human +nature if I did. But what boots all my energy and perseverance? +What though I place my friends' money, my family's money, my own +money--my hopes, wishes, desires, ambitions--all upon this +enterprise? You young men will not do so. You, whom I treat with +love and confidence as my children, make no return to me. When I +toil, you remain still; when I struggle, you look on. Say the word +at once,--you doubt me! O heavens, that this should be the reward +of all my care and love for you!" + +Here Mr. Brough was so affected that he actually burst into tears, +and I confess I saw in its true light the negligence of which I had +been guilty. + +"Sir," says I, "I am very--very sorry: it was a matter of +delicacy, rather than otherwise, which induced me not to speak to +my aunt about the West Diddlesex." + +"Delicacy, my dear dear boy--as if there can be any delicacy about +making your aunt's fortune! Say indifference to me, say +ingratitude, say folly,--but don't say delicacy--no, no, not +delicacy. Be honest, my boy, and call things by their right names- +-always do." + +"It WAS folly and ingratitude, Mr. Brough," says I: "I see it all +now; and I'll write to my aunt this very post." + +"You had better do no such thing," says Brough, bitterly: "the +stocks are at ninety, and Mrs. Hoggarty can get three per cent. for +her money." + +"I WILL write, sir,--upon my word and honour, I will write." + +"Well, as your honour is passed, you must, I suppose; for never +break your word--no, not in a trifle, Titmarsh. Send me up the +letter when you have done, and I'll frank it--upon my word and +honour I will," says Mr. Brough, laughing, and holding out his hand +to me. + +I took it, and he pressed mine very kindly--"You may as well sit +down here," says he, as he kept hold of it; "there is plenty of +paper." + +And so I sat down and mended a beautiful pen, and began and wrote, +"Independent West Diddlesex Association, June 1822," and "My dear +Aunt," in the best manner possible. Then I paused a little, +thinking what I should next say; for I have always found that +difficulty about letters. The date and My dear So-and-so one +writes off immediately--it is the next part which is hard; and I +put my pen in my mouth, flung myself back in my chair, and began to +think about it. + +"Bah!" said Brough, "are you going to be about this letter all day, +my good fellow? Listen to me, and I'll dictate to you in a +moment." So he began:- + + +"My Dear Aunt,--Since my return from Somersetshire, I am very happy +indeed to tell you that I have so pleased the managing director of +our Association and the Board, that they have been good enough to +appoint me third clerk--" + + +"Sir!" says I. + +"Write what I say. Mr. Roundhand, as has been agreed by the board +yesterday, quits the clerk's desk and takes the title of secretary +and actuary. Mr. Highmore takes his place; Mr. Abednego follows +him; and I place you as third clerk--as + + +"third clerk (write), with a salary of a hundred and fifty pounds +per annum. This news will, I know, gratify my dear mother and you, +who have been a second mother to me all my life. + +"When I was last at home, I remember you consulted me as to the +best mode of laying out a sum of money which was lying useless in +your banker's hands. I have since lost no opportunity of gaining +what information I could: and situated here as I am, in the very +midst of affairs, I believe, although very young, I am as good a +person to apply to as many others of greater age and standing. + +"I frequently thought of mentioning to you our Association, but +feelings of delicacy prevented me from doing so. I did not wish +that anyone should suppose that a shadow of self-interest could +move me in any way. + +"But I believe, without any sort of doubt, that the West Diddlesex +Association offers the best security that you can expect for your +capital, and, at the same time, the highest interest you can +anywhere procure. + +"The situation of the Company, as I have it from THE VERY BEST +AUTHORITY (underline that), is as follows:- + +"The subscribed and bona fide capital is FIVE MILLIONS STERLING. + +"The body of directors you know. Suffice it to say that the +managing director is John Brough, Esq., of the firm of Brough and +Hoff, a Member of Parliament, and a man as well known as Mr. +Rothschild in the City of London. His private fortune, I know for +a fact, amounts to half a million; and the last dividends paid to +the shareholders of the I. W. D. Association amounted to 6.125 per +cent. per annum." + + +[That I know was the dividend declared by us.] + + +"Although the shares in the market are at a very great premium, it +is the privilege of the four first clerks to dispose of a certain +number, 5,000L. each at par; and if you, my dearest aunt, would +wish for 2,500L. worth, I hope you will allow me to oblige you by +offering you so much of my new privileges. + +"Let me hear from you immediately upon the subject, as I have +already an offer for the whole amount of my shares at market +price." + + +"But I haven't, sir," says I. + +"You have, sir. I will take the shares; but I want YOU. I want as +many respectable persons in the Company as I can bring. I want you +because I like you, and I don't mind telling you that I have views +of my own as well; for I am an honest man and say openly what I +mean, and I'll tell you WHY I want you. I can't, by the +regulations of the Company, have more than a certain number of +votes, but if your aunt takes shares, I expect--I don't mind owning +it--that she will vote with me. NOW do you understand me? My +object is to be all in all with the Company; and if I be, I will +make it the most glorious enterprise that ever was conducted in the +City of London." + +So I signed the letter and left it with Mr. B. to frank. + +The next day I went and took my place at the third clerk's desk, +being led to it by Mr. B., who made a speech to the gents, much to +the annoyance of the other chaps, who grumbled about their +services: though, as for the matter of that, our services were +very much alike: the Company was only three years old, and the +oldest clerk in it had not six months' more standing in it than I. +"Look out," said that envious M'Whirter to me. "Have you got +money, or have any of your relations money? or are any of them +going to put it into the concern?" + +I did not think fit to answer him, but took a pinch out of his +mull, and was always kind to him; and he, to say the truth, was +always most civil to me. As for Gus Hoskins, he began to think I +was a superior being; and I must say that the rest of the chaps +behaved very kindly in the matter, and said that if one man were to +be put over their heads before another, they would have pitched +upon me, for I had never harmed any of them, and done little +kindnesses to several. + +"I know," says Abednego, "how you got the place. It was I who got +it you. I told Brough you were a cousin of Preston's, the Lord of +the Treasury, had venison from him and all that; and depend upon it +he expects that you will be able to do him some good in that +quarter." + +I think there was some likelihood in what Abednego said, because +our governor, as we called him, frequently spoke to me about my +cousin; told me to push the concern in the West End of the town, +get as many noblemen as we could to insure with us, and so on. It +was in vain I said I could do nothing with Mr. Preston. "Bah! +bah!" says Mr. Brough, "don't tell ME. People don't send haunches +of venison to you for nothing;" and I'm convinced he thought I was +a very cautious prudent fellow, for not bragging about my great +family, and keeping my connection with them a secret. To be sure +he might have learned the truth from Gus, who lived with me; but +Gus would insist that I was hand in glove with all the nobility, +and boasted about me ten times as much as I did myself. + +The chaps used to call me the "West Ender." + +"See," thought I, "what I have gained by Aunt Hoggarty giving me a +diamond-pin! What a lucky thing it is that she did not give me the +money, as I hoped she would! Had I not had the pin--had I even +taken it to any other person but Mr. Polonius, Lady Drum would +never have noticed me; had Lady Drum never noticed me, Mr. Brough +never would, and I never should have been third clerk of the West +Diddlesex." + +I took heart at all this, and wrote off on the very evening of my +appointment to my dearest Mary Smith, giving her warning that a +"certain event," for which one of us was longing very earnestly, +might come off sooner than we had expected. And why not? Miss +S.'s own fortune was 70L. a year, mine was 150L., and when we had +300L., we always vowed we would marry. "Ah!" thought I, "if I +could but go to Somersetshire now, I might boldly walk up to old +Smith's door" (he was her grandfather, and a half-pay lieutenant of +the navy), "I might knock at the knocker and see my beloved Mary in +the parlour, and not be obliged to sneak behind hayricks on the +look-out for her, or pelt stones at midnight at her window." + +My aunt, in a few days, wrote a pretty gracious reply to my letter. +She had not determined, she said, as to the manner in which she +should employ her three thousand pounds, but should take my offer +into consideration; begging me to keep my shares open for a little +while, until her mind was made up. + +What, then, does Mr. Brough do? I learned afterwards, in the year +1830, when he and the West Diddlesex Association had disappeared +altogether, how he had proceeded. + +"Who are the attorneys at Slopperton?" says he to me in a careless +way. + +"Mr. Ruck, sir," says I, "is the Tory solicitor, and Messrs. Hodge +and Smithers the Liberals." I knew them very well, for the fact +is, before Mary Smith came to live in our parts, I was rather +partial to Miss Hodge, and her great gold-coloured ringlets; but +Mary came and soon put HER nose out of joint, as the saying is. + +"And you are of what politics?" + +"Why, sir, we are Liberals." I was rather ashamed of this, for Mr. +Brough was an out-and-out Tory; but Hodge and Smithers is a most +respectable firm. I brought up a packet from them to Hickson, +Dixon, Paxton, and Jackson, OUR solicitors, who are their London +correspondents. + +Mr. Brough only said, "Oh, indeed!" and did not talk any further on +the subject, but began admiring my diamond-pin very much. + +"Titmarsh, my dear boy," says he, "I have a young lady at Fulham +who is worth seeing, I assure you, and who has heard so much about +you from her father (for I like you, my boy, I don't care to own +it), that she is rather anxious to see you too. Suppose you come +down to us for a week? Abednego will do your work." + +"Law, sir! you are very kind," says I. + +"Well, you shall come down; and I hope you will like my claret. +But hark ye! I don't think, my dear fellow, you are quite smart +enough--quite well enough dressed. Do you understand me?" + +"I've my blue coat and brass buttons at home, sir." + +"What! that thing with the waist between your shoulders that you +wore at Mrs. Brough's party?" (It WAS rather high-waisted, being +made in the country two years before.) "No--no, that will never +do. Get some new clothes, sir,--two new suits of clothes." + +"Sir!" says I, "I'm already, if the truth must be told, very short +of money for this quarter, and can't afford myself a new suit for a +long time to come." + +"Pooh, pooh! don't let that annoy you. Here's a ten-pound note-- +but no, on second thoughts, you may as well go to my tailor's. +I'll drive you down there: and never mind the bill, my good lad!" +And drive me down he actually did, in his grand coach-and-four, to +Mr. Von Stiltz, in Clifford Street, who took my measure, and sent +me home two of the finest coats ever seen, a dress-coat and a +frock, a velvet waist-coat, a silk ditto, and three pairs of +pantaloons, of the most beautiful make. Brough told me to get some +boots and pumps, and silk stockings for evenings; so that when the +time came for me to go down to Fulham, I appeared as handsome as +any young nobleman, and Gus said that "I looked, by Jingo, like a +regular tip-top swell." + +In the meantime the following letter had been sent down to Hodge +and Smithers:- + +"RAM ALLEY, CORNHILL, LONDON: July 1822. + +"DEAR SIRS, + +* * * + +[This part being on private affairs relative to the cases of Dixon +v. Haggerstony, Snodgrass v. Rubbidge and another, I am not +permitted to extract.] + +* * * + +"Likewise we beg to hand you a few more prospectuses of the +Independent West Diddlesex Fire and Life Insurance Company, of +which we have the honour to be the solicitors in London. We wrote +to you last year, requesting you to accept the Slopperton and +Somerset agency for the same, and have been expecting for some time +back that either shares or assurances should be effected by you. + +"The capital of the Company, as you know, is five millions sterling +(say 5,000,000L.), and we are in a situation to offer more than the +usual commission to our agents of the legal profession. We shall +be happy to give a premium of 6 per cent. for shares to the amount +of 1,000L., 6.5 per cent. above a thousand, to be paid immediately +upon the taking of the shares. + +"I am, dear Sirs, for self and partners, +"Yours most faithfully, +"SAMUEL JACKSON." + + +This letter, as I have said, came into my hands some time +afterwards. I knew nothing of it in the year 1822, when, in my new +suit of clothes, I went down to pass a week at the Rookery, Fulham, +residence of John Brough, Esquire, M.P. + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +HOW SAMUEL TITMARSH REACHED THE HIGHEST POINT OF PROSPERITY + +If I had the pen of a George Robins, I might describe the Rookery +properly: suffice it, however, to say it is a very handsome +country place; with handsome lawns sloping down to the river, +handsome shrubberies and conservatories, fine stables, outhouses, +kitchen-gardens, and everything belonging to a first-rate rus in +urbe, as the great auctioneer called it when he hammered it down +some years after. + +I arrived on a Saturday at half-an-hour before dinner: a grave +gentleman out of livery showed me to my room; a man in a chocolate +coat and gold lace, with Brough's crest on the buttons, brought me +a silver shaving-pot of hot water on a silver tray; and a grand +dinner was ready at six, at which I had the honour of appearing in +Von Stiltz's dress-coat and my new silk stockings and pumps. + +Brough took me by the hand as I came in, and presented me to his +lady, a stout fair-haired woman, in light blue satin; then to his +daughter, a tall, thin, dark-eyed girl, with beetle-brows, looking +very ill-natured, and about eighteen. + +"Belinda my love," said her papa, "this young gentleman is one of +my clerks, who was at our ball." + +"Oh, indeed!" says Belinda, tossing up her head. + +"But not a common clerk, Miss Belinda,--so, if you please, we will +have none of your aristocratic airs with him. He is a nephew of +the Countess of Drum; and I hope he will soon be very high in our +establishment, and in the city of London." + +At the name of Countess (I had a dozen times rectified the error +about our relationship), Miss Belinda made a low curtsey, and +stared at me very hard, and said she would try and make the Rookery +pleasant to any friend of Papa's. "We have not much MONDE to-day," +continued Miss Brough, "and are only in petit comite; but I hope +before you leave us you will see some societe that will make your +sejour agreeable." + +I saw at once that she was a fashionable girl, from her using the +French language in this way. + +"Isn't she a fine girl?" said Brough, whispering to me, and +evidently as proud of her as a man could be. "Isn't she a fine +girl--eh, you dog? Do you see breeding like that in +Somersetshire?" + +"No, sir, upon my word!" answered I, rather slily; for I was +thinking all the while how "Somebody" was a thousand times more +beautiful, simple, and ladylike. + +"And what has my dearest love been doing all day?" said her papa. + +"Oh, Pa! I have PINCED the harp a little to Captain Fizgig's +flute. Didn't I, Captain Fizgig?" + +Captain the Honourable Francis Fizgig said, "Yes, Brough, your fair +daughter PINCED the harp, and TOUCHED the piano, and EGRATIGNED the +guitar, and ECORCHED a song or two; and we had the pleasure of a +PROMENADE A L'EAU,--of a walk upon the water." + +"Law, Captain!" cries Mrs. Brough, "walk on the water?" + +"Hush, Mamma, you don't understand French!" says Miss Belinda, with +a sneer. + +"It's a sad disadvantage, madam," says Fizgig, gravely; "and I +recommend you and Brough here, who are coming out in the great +world, to have some lessons; or at least get up a couple of dozen +phrases, and introduce them into your conversation here and there. +I suppose, sir, you speak it commonly at the office, Mr. What you +call it?" And Mr. Fizgig put his glass into his eye and looked at +me. + +"We speak English, sir," says I, "knowing it better than French." + +"Everybody has not had your opportunities," Miss Brough, continued +the gentleman. "Everybody has not VOYAGE like NOUS AUTRES, hey? +Mais que voulez-vous, my good sir? you must stick to your cursed +ledgers and things. What's the French for ledger, Miss Belinda?" + +"How can you ask? Je n'en scais rien, I'm sure." + +"You should learn, Miss Brough," said her father. "The daughter of +a British merchant need not be ashamed of the means by which her +father gets his bread. I'M not ashamed--I'm not proud. Those who +know John Brough, know that ten years ago he was a poor clerk like +my friend Titmarsh here, and is now worth half-a-million. Is there +any man in the House better listened to than John Brough? Is there +any duke in the land that can give a better dinner than John +Brough; or a larger fortune to his daughter than John Brough? Why, +sir, the humble person now speaking to you could buy out many a +German duke! But I'm not proud--no, no, not proud. There's my +daughter--look at her--when I die, she will be mistress of my +fortune; but am I proud? No! Let him who can win her, marry her, +that's what I say. Be it you, Mr. Fizgig, son of a peer of the +realm; or you, Bill Tidd. Be it a duke or a shoeblack, what do I +care, hey?--what do I care?" + +"O-o-oh!" sighed the gent who went by the name of Bill Tidd: a +very pale young man, with a black riband round his neck instead of +a handkerchief, and his collars turned down like Lord Byron. He +was leaning against the mantelpiece, and with a pair of great green +eyes ogling Miss Brough with all his might. + +"Oh, John--my dear John!" cried Mrs. Brough, seizing her husband's +hand and kissing it, "you are an angel, that you are!" + +"Isabella, don't flatter me; I'm a MAN,--a plain downright citizen +of London, without a particle of pride, except in you and my +daughter here--my two Bells, as I call them! This is the way that +we live, Titmarsh my boy: ours is a happy, humble, Christian home, +and that's all. Isabella, leave go my hand!" + +"Mamma, you mustn't do so before company; it's odious!" shrieked +Miss B.; and Mamma quietly let the hand fall, and heaved from her +ample bosom a great large sigh. I felt a liking for that simple +woman, and a respect for Brough too. He couldn't be a bad man, +whose wife loved him so. + +Dinner was soon announced, and I had the honour of leading in Miss +B., who looked back rather angrily, I thought, at Captain Fizgig, +because that gentleman had offered his arm to Mrs. Brough. He sat +on the right of Mrs. Brough, and Miss flounced down on the seat +next to him, leaving me and Mr. Tidd to take our places at the +opposite side of the table. + +At dinner there was turbot and soup first, and boiled turkey +afterwards of course. How is it that at all the great dinners they +have this perpetual boiled turkey? It was real turtle-soup: the +first time I had ever tasted it; and I remarked how Mrs. B., who +insisted on helping it, gave all the green lumps of fat to her +husband, and put several slices of the breast of the bird under the +body, until it came to his turn to be helped. + +"I'm a plain man," says John, "and eat a plain dinner. I hate your +kickshaws, though I keep a French cook for those who are not of my +way of thinking. I'm no egotist, look you; I've no prejudices; and +Miss there has her bechamels and fallals according to her taste. +Captain, try the volly-vong." + +We had plenty of champagne and old madeira with dinner, and great +silver tankards of porter, which those might take who chose. +Brough made especially a boast of drinking beer; and, when the +ladies retired, said, "Gentlemen, Tiggins will give you an +unlimited supply of wine: there's no stinting here;" and then laid +himself down in his easy-chair and fell asleep. + +"He always does so," whispered Mr. Tidd to me. + +"Get some of that yellow-sealed wine, Tiggins," says the Captain. +"That other claret we had yesterday is loaded, and disagrees with +me infernally!" + +I must say I liked the yellow seal much better than Aunt Hoggarty's +Rosolio. + +I soon found out what Mr. Tidd was, and what he was longing for. + +"Isn't she a glorious creature?" says he to me. + +"Who, sir?" says I. + +"Miss Belinda, to be sure!" cried Tidd. "Did mortal ever look upon +eyes like hers, or view a more sylph-like figure?" + +"She might have a little more flesh, Mr. Tidd," says the Captain, +"and a little less eyebrow. They look vicious, those scowling +eyebrows, in a girl. Qu'en dites-vous, Mr. Titmarsh, as Miss +Brough would say?" + +"I think it remarkably good claret, sir," says I. + +"Egad, you're the right sort of fellow!" says the Captain. "Volto +sciolto, eh? You respect our sleeping host yonder?" + +"That I do, sir, as the first man in the city of London, and my +managing director." + +"And so do I," says Tidd; "and this day fortnight, when I'm of age, +I'll prove my confidence too." + +"As how?" says I. + +"Why, sir, you must know that I come into--ahem--a considerable +property, sir, on the 14th of July, which my father made--in +business." + +"Say at once he was a tailor, Tidd." + +"He WAS a tailor, sir,--but what of that? I've had a University +education, and have the feelings of a gentleman; as much--ay, +perhaps, and more, than some members of an effete aristocracy." + +"Tidd, don't be severe!" says the Captain, drinking a tenth glass. + +"Well, Mr. Titmarsh, when of age I come into a considerable +property; and Mr. Brough has been so good as to say he can get me +twelve hundred a year for my twenty thousand pounds, and I have +promised to invest them." + +"In the West Diddlesex, sir?" says I--"in our office?" + +"No, in another company, of which Mr. Brough is director, and quite +as good a thing. Mr. Brough is a very old friend of my family, +sir, and he has taken a great liking to me; and he says that with +my talents I ought to get into Parliament; and then--and then! +after I have laid out my patrimony, I may look to MATRIMONY, you +see!" + +"Oh, you designing dog!" said the Captain. "When I used to lick +you at school, who ever would have thought that I was thrashing a +sucking statesman?" + +"Talk away, boys!" said Brough, waking out of his sleep; "I only +sleep with half an eye, and hear you all. Yes, you shall get into +Parliament, Tidd my man, or my name's not Brough! You shall have +six per cent. for your money, or never believe me! But as for my +daughter--ask HER, and not me. You, or the Captain, or Titmarsh, +may have her, if you can get her. All I ask in a son-in-law is, +that he should be, as every one of you is, an honourable and high- +minded man!" + +Tidd at this looked very knowing; and as our host sank off to sleep +again, pointed archly at his eyebrows, and wagged his head at the +Captain. + +"Bah!" says the Captain. "I say what I think; and you may tell +Miss Brough if you like." And so presently this conversation +ended, and we were summoned in to coffee. After which the Captain +sang songs with Miss Brough; Tidd looked at her and said nothing; I +looked at prints, and Mrs. Brough sat knitting stockings for the +poor. The Captain was sneering openly at Miss Brough and her +affected ways and talk; but in spite of his bullying contemptuous +way I thought she seemed to have a great regard for him, and to +bear his scorn very meekly. + +At twelve Captain Fizgig went off to his barracks at Knightsbridge, +and Tidd and I to our rooms. Next day being Sunday, a great bell +woke us at eight, and at nine we all assembled in the breakfast- +room, where Mr. Brough read prayers, a chapter, and made an +exhortation afterwards, to us and all the members of the household; +except the French cook, Monsieur Nontong-paw, whom I could see, +from my chair, walking about in the shrubberies in his white night- +cap, smoking a cigar. + +Every morning on week-days, punctually at eight, Mr. Brough went +through the same ceremony, and had his family to prayers; but +though this man was a hypocrite, as I found afterwards, I'm not +going to laugh at the family prayers, or say he was a hypocrite +BECAUSE he had them. There are many bad and good men who don't go +through the ceremony at all; but I am sure the good men would be +the better for it, and am not called upon to settle the question +with respect to the bad ones; and therefore I have passed over a +great deal of the religious part of Mr. Brough's behaviour: +suffice it, that religion was always on his lips; that he went to +church thrice every Sunday, when he had not a party; and if he did +not talk religion with us when we were alone, had a great deal to +say upon the subject upon occasions, as I found one day when we had +a Quaker and Dissenter party to dine, and when his talk was as +grave as that of any minister present. Tidd was not there that +day,--for nothing could make him forsake his Byron riband or +refrain from wearing his collars turned down; so Tidd was sent with +the buggy to Astley's. "And hark ye, Titmarsh my boy," said he, +"leave your diamond pin upstairs: our friends to-day don't like +such gewgaws; and though for my part I am no enemy to harmless +ornaments, yet I would not shock the feelings of those who have +sterner opinions. You will see that my wife and Miss Brough +consult my wishes in this respect." And so they did,--for they +both came down to dinner in black gowns and tippets; whereas Miss +B. had commonly her dress half off her shoulders. + +The Captain rode over several times to see us; and Miss Brough +seemed always delighted to see HIM. One day I met him as I was +walking out alone by the river, and we had a long talk together. + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says he, "from what little I have seen of you, you +seem to be an honest straight-minded young fellow; and I want some +information that you can give. Tell me, in the first place, if you +will--and upon my honour it shall go no farther--about this +Insurance Company of yours? You are in the City, and see how +affairs are going on. Is your concern a stable one?" + +"Sir," said I, "frankly then, and upon my honour too, I believe it +is. It has been set up only four years, it is true; but Mr. Brough +had a great name when it was established, and a vast connection. +Every clerk in the office has, to be sure, in a manner, paid for +his place, either by taking shares himself, or by his relations +taking them. I got mine because my mother, who is very poor, +devoted a small sum of money that came to us to the purchase of an +annuity for herself and a provision for me. The matter was debated +by the family and our attorneys, Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, who +are very well known in our part of the country; and it was agreed +on all hands that my mother could not do better with her money for +all of us than invest it in this way. Brough alone is worth half a +million of money, and his name is a host in itself. Nay, more: I +wrote the other day to an aunt of mine, who has a considerable sum +of money in loose cash, and who had consulted me as to the disposal +of it, to invest it in our office. Can I give you any better proof +of my opinion of its solvency?" + +"Did Brough persuade you in any way?" + +"Yes, he certainly spoke to me: but he very honestly told me his +motives, and tells them to us all as honestly. He says, +'Gentlemen, it is my object to increase the connection of the +office, as much as possible. I want to crush all the other offices +in London. Our terms are lower than any office, and we can bear to +have them lower, and a great business will come to us that way. +But we must work ourselves as well. Every single shareholder and +officer of the establishment must exert himself, and bring us +customers,--no matter for how little they are engaged--engage them: +that is the great point.' And accordingly our Director makes all +his friends and servants shareholders: his very lodge-porter +yonder is a shareholder; and he thus endeavours to fasten upon all +whom he comes near. I, for instance, have just been appointed over +the heads of our gents, to a much better place than I held. I am +asked down here, and entertained royally: and why? Because my +aunt has three thousand pounds which Mr. Brough wants her to invest +with us." + +"That looks awkward, Mr. Titmarsh." + +"Not a whit, sir: he makes no disguise of the matter. When the +question is settled one way or the other, I don't believe Mr. +Brough will take any further notice of me. But he wants me now. +This place happened to fall in just at the very moment when he had +need of me; and he hopes to gain over my family through me. He +told me as much as we drove down. 'You are a man of the world, +Titmarsh,' said he; 'you know that I don't give you this place +because you are an honest fellow, and write a good hand. If I had +a lesser bribe to offer you at the moment, I should only have given +you that; but I had no choice, and gave you what was in my power.'" + +"That's fair enough; but what can make Brough so eager for such a +small sum as three thousand pounds?" + +"If it had been ten, sir, he would have been not a bit more eager. +You don't know the city of London, and the passion which our great +men in the share-market have for increasing their connection. Mr. +Brough, sir, would canvass and wheedle a chimney-sweep in the way +of business. See, here is poor Tidd and his twenty thousand +pounds. Our Director has taken possession of him just in the same +way. He wants all the capital he can lay his hands on." + +"Yes, and suppose he runs off with the capital?" + +"Mr. Brough, of the firm of Brough and Hoff, sir? Suppose the Bank +of England runs off! But here we are at the lodge-gate. Let's ask +Gates, another of Mr. Brough's victims." And we went in and spoke +to old Gates. + +"Well, Mr. Gates," says I, beginning the matter cleverly, "you are +one of my masters, you know, at the West Diddlesex yonder?" + +"Yees, sure," says old Gates, grinning. He was a retired servant, +with a large family come to him in his old age. + +"May I ask you what your wages are, Mr. Gates, that you can lay by +so much money, and purchase shares in our Company?" + +Gates told us his wages; and when we inquired whether they were +paid regularly, swore that his master was the kindest gentleman in +the world: that he had put two of his daughters into service, two +of his sons to charity schools, made one apprentice, and narrated a +hundred other benefits that he had received from the family. Mrs. +Brough clothed half the children; master gave them blankets and +coats in winter, and soup and meat all the year round. There never +was such a generous family, sure, since the world began. + +"Well, sir," said I to the Captain, "does that satisfy you? Mr. +Brough gives to these people fifty times as much as he gains from +them; and yet he makes Mr. Gates take shares in our Company." + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "you are an honest fellow; and I +confess your argument sounds well. Now tell me, do you know +anything about Miss Brough and her fortune?" + +"Brough will leave her everything--or says so." But I suppose the +Captain saw some particular expression in my countenance, for he +laughed and said - + +"I suppose, my dear fellow, you think she's dear at the price. +Well, I don't know that you are far wrong." + +"Why, then, if I may make so bold, Captain Fizgig, are you always +at her heels?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Captain, "I owe twenty thousand pounds;" +and he went back to the house directly, and proposed for her. + +I thought this rather cruel and unprincipled conduct on the +gentleman's part; for he had been introduced to the family by Mr. +Tidd, with whom he had been at school, and had supplanted Tidd +entirely in the great heiress's affections. Brough stormed, and +actually swore at his daughter (as the Captain told me afterwards) +when he heard that the latter had accepted Mr. Fizgig; and at last, +seeing the Captain, made him give his word that the engagement +should be kept secret for a few months. And Captain F. only made a +confidant of me, and the mess, as he said: but this was after Tidd +had paid his twenty thousand pounds over to our governor, which he +did punctually when he came of age. The same day, too, he proposed +for the young lady, and I need not say was rejected. Presently the +Captain's engagement began to be whispered about: all his great +relations, the Duke of Doncaster, the Earl of Cinqbars, the Earl of +Crabs, &c. came and visited the Brough family; the Hon. Henry +Ringwood became a shareholder in our Company, and the Earl of Crabs +offered to be. Our shares rose to a premium; our Director, his +lady, and daughter were presented at Court; and the great West +Diddlesex Association bid fair to be the first Assurance Office in +the kingdom. + +A very short time after my visit to Fulham, my dear aunt wrote to +me to say that she had consulted with her attorneys, Messrs. Hodge +and Smithers, who strongly recommended that she should invest the +sum as I advised. She had the sum invested, too, in my name, +paying me many compliments upon my honesty and talent; of which, +she said, Mr. Brough had given her the most flattering account. +And at the same time my aunt informed me that at her death the +shares should be my own. This gave me a great weight in the +Company, as you may imagine. At our next annual meeting, I +attended in my capacity as a shareholder, and had great pleasure in +hearing Mr. Brough, in a magnificent speech, declare a dividend of +six per cent., that we all received over the counter. + +"You lucky young scoundrel!" said Brough to me; "do you know what +made me give you your place?" + +"Why, my aunt's money, to be sure, sir," said I. + +"No such thing. Do you fancy I cared for those paltry three +thousand pounds? I was told you were nephew of Lady Drum; and Lady +Drum is grandmother of Lady Jane Preston; and Mr. Preston is a man +who can do us a world of good. I knew that they had sent you +venison, and the deuce knows what; and when I saw Lady Jane at my +party shake you by the hand, and speak to you so kindly, I took all +Abednego's tales for gospel. THAT was the reason you got the +place, mark you, and not on account of your miserable three +thousand pounds. Well, sir, a fortnight after you were with us at +Fulham, I met Preston in the House, and made a merit of having +given the place to his cousin. 'Confound the insolent scoundrel!' +said he; 'HE my cousin! I suppose you take all old Drum's stories +for true? Why, man, it's her mania: she never is introduced to a +man but she finds out a cousinship, and would not fail of course +with that cur of a Titmarsh!' 'Well,' said I, laughing, 'that cur +has got a good place in consequence, and the matter can't be +mended.' So you see," continued our Director, "that you were +indebted for your place, not to your aunt's money, but--" + +"But to MY AUNT'S DIAMOND PIN!" + +"Lucky rascal!" said Brough, poking me in the side and going out of +the way. And lucky, in faith, I thought I was. + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +RELATES THE HAPPIEST DAY OF SAMUEL TITMARSH'S LIFE + +I don't know how it was that in the course of the next six months +Mr. Roundhand, the actuary, who had been such a profound admirer of +Mr. Brough and the West Diddlesex Association, suddenly quarrelled +with both, and taking his money out of the concern, he disposed of +his 5,000L. worth of shares to a pretty good profit, and went away, +speaking everything that was evil both of the Company and the +Director. + +Mr. Highmore now became secretary and actuary, Mr. Abednego was +first clerk, and your humble servant was second in the office at a +salary of 250L. a year. How unfounded were Mr. Roundhand's +aspersions of the West Diddlesex appeared quite clearly at our +meeting in January, 1823, when our Chief Director, in one of the +most brilliant speeches ever heard, declared that the half-yearly +dividend was 4L. per cent., at the rate of 8L. per cent. per annum; +and I sent to my aunt 120L. sterling as the amount of the interest +of the stock in my name. + +My excellent aunt, Mrs. Hoggarty, delighted beyond measure, sent me +back 10L. for my own pocket, and asked me if she had not better +sell Slopperton and Squashtail, and invest all her money in this +admirable concern. + +On this point I could not surely do better than ask the opinion of +Mr. Brough. Mr. B. told me that shares could not be had but at a +premium; but on my representing that I knew of 5,000L. worth in the +market at par, he said--"Well, if so, he would like a fair price +for his, and would not mind disposing of 5,000L. worth, as he had +rather a glut of West Diddlesex shares, and his other concerns +wanted feeding with ready money." At the end of our conversation, +of which I promised to report the purport to Mrs. Hoggarty, the +Director was so kind as to say that he had determined on creating a +place of private secretary to the Managing Director, and that I +should hold that office with an additional salary of 150L. + +I had 250L. a year, Miss Smith had 70L. per annum to her fortune. +What had I said should be my line of conduct whenever I could +realise 300L. a year? + +Gus of course, and all the gents in our office through him, knew of +my engagement with Mary Smith. Her father had been a commander in +the navy and a very distinguished officer; and though Mary, as I +have said, only brought me a fortune of 70L. a year, and I, as +everybody said, in my present position in the office and the City +of London, might have reasonably looked out for a lady with much +more money, yet my friends agreed that the connection was very +respectable, and I was content: as who would not have been with +such a darling as Mary? I am sure, for my part, I would not have +taken the Lord Mayor's own daughter in place of Mary, even with a +plum to her fortune. + +Mr. Brough of course was made aware of my approaching marriage, as +of everything else relating to every clerk in the office; and I do +believe Abednego told him what we had for dinner every day. +Indeed, his knowledge of our affairs was wonderful. + +He asked me how Mary's money was invested. It was in the three per +cent. consols--2,333L. 6S. 8D. + +"Remember," says he, "my lad, Mrs. Sam Titmarsh that is to be may +have seven per cent. for her money at the very least, and on better +security than the Bank of England; for is not a Company of which +John Brough is the head better than any other company in England?" +and to be sure I thought he was not far wrong, and promised to +speak to Mary's guardians on the subject before our marriage. +Lieutenant Smith, her grandfather, had been at the first very much +averse to our union. (I must confess that, one day finding me +alone with her, and kissing, I believe, the tips of her little +fingers, he had taken me by the collar and turned me out of doors.) +But Sam Titmarsh, with a salary of 250L. a year, a promised fortune +of 150L. more, and the right-hand man of Mr. John Brough of London, +was a very different man from Sam the poor clerk, and the poor +clergyman's widow's son; and the old gentleman wrote me a kind +letter enough, and begged me to get him six pairs of lamb's-wool +stockings and four ditto waistcoats from Romanis', and accepted +them too as a present from me when I went down in June--in happy +June of 1823--to fetch my dear Mary away. + +Mr. Brough was likewise kindly anxious about my aunt's Slopperton +and Squashtail property, which she had not as yet sold, as she +talked of doing; and, as Mr. B. represented, it was a sin and a +shame that any person in whom he took such interest, as he did in +all the relatives of his dear young friend, should only have three +per cent. for her money, when she could have eight elsewhere. He +always called me Sam now, praised me to the other young men (who +brought the praises regularly to me), said there was a cover always +laid for me at Fulham, and repeatedly took me thither. There was +but little company when I went; and M'Whirter used to say he only +asked me on days when he had his vulgar acquaintances. But I did +not care for the great people, not being born in their sphere; and +indeed did not much care for going to the house at all. Miss +Belinda was not at all to my liking. After her engagement with +Captain Fizgig, and after Mr. Tidd had paid his 20,000L. and +Fizgig's great relations had joined in some of our Director's +companies, Mr. Brough declared he believed that Captain Fizgig's +views were mercenary, and put him to the proof at once, by saying +that he must take Miss Brough without a farthing, or not have her +at all. Whereupon Captain Fizgig got an appointment in the +colonies, and Miss Brough became more ill-humoured than ever. But +I could not help thinking she was rid of a bad bargain, and pitying +poor Tidd, who came back to the charge again more love-sick than +ever, and was rebuffed pitilessly by Miss Belinda. Her father +plainly told Tidd, too, that his visits were disagreeable to +Belinda, and though he must always love and value him, he begged +him to discontinue his calls at the Rookery. Poor fellow! he had +paid his 20,000L. away for nothing! for what was six per cent. to +him compared to six per cent. and the hand of Miss Belinda Brough? + +Well, Mr. Brough pitied the poor love-sick swain, as he called me, +so much, and felt such a warm sympathy in my well-being, that he +insisted on my going down to Somersetshire with a couple of months' +leave; and away I went, as happy as a lark, with a couple of brand- +new suits from Von Stiltz's in my trunk (I had them made, looking +forward to a certain event), and inside the trunk Lieutenant +Smith's fleecy hosiery; wrapping up a parcel of our prospectuses +and two letters from John Brough, Esq., to my mother our worthy +annuitant, and to Mrs. Hoggarty our excellent shareholder. Mr. +Brough said I was all that the fondest father could wish, that he +considered me as his own boy, and that he earnestly begged Mrs. +Hoggarty not to delay the sale of her little landed property, as +land was high now and MUST FALL; whereas the West Diddlesex +Association shares were (comparatively) low, and must inevitably, +in the course of a year or two, double, treble, quadruple their +present value. + +In this way I was prepared, and in this way I took leave of my dear +Gus. As we parted in the yard of the "Bolt-in-Tun," Fleet Street, +I felt that I never should go back to Salisbury Square again, and +had made my little present to the landlady's family accordingly. +She said I was the respectablest gentleman she had ever had in her +house: nor was that saying much, for Bell Lane is in the Rules of +the Fleet, and her lodgers used commonly to be prisoners on Rule +from that place. As for Gus, the poor fellow cried and blubbered +so that he could not eat a morsel of the muffins and grilled ham +with which I treated him for breakfast in the "Bolt-in-Tun" coffee- +house; and when I went away was waving his hat and his handkerchief +so in the archway of the coach-office that I do believe the wheels +of the "True Blue" went over his toes, for I heard him roaring as +we passed through the arch. Ah! how different were my feelings as +I sat proudly there on the box by the side of Jim Ward, the +coachman, to those I had the last time I mounted that coach, +parting from my dear Mary and coming to London with my DIAMOND PIN! + +When arrived near home (at Grumpley, three miles from our village, +where the "True Blue" generally stops to take a glass of ale at the +Poppleton Arms) it was as if our Member, Mr. Poppleton himself, was +come into the country, so great was the concourse of people +assembled round the inn. And there was the landlord of the inn and +all the people of the village. Then there was Tom Wheeler, the +post-boy, from Mrs. Rincer's posting-hotel in our town; he was +riding on the old bay posters, and they, Heaven bless us! were +drawing my aunt's yellow chariot, in which she never went out but +thrice in a year, and in which she now sat in her splendid cashmere +shawl and a new hat and feather. She waved a white handkerchief +out of the window, and Tom Wheeler shouted out "Huzza!" as did a +number of the little blackguard boys of Grumpley: who, to be sure, +would huzza for anything. What a change on Tom Wheeler's part, +however! I remembered only a few years before how he had whipped +me from the box of the chaise, as I was hanging on for a ride +behind. + +Next to my aunt's carriage came the four-wheeled chaise of +Lieutenant Smith, R.N., who was driving his old fat pony with his +lady by his side. I looked in the back seat of the chaise, and +felt a little sad at seeing that SOMEBODY was not there. But, O +silly fellow! there was Somebody in the yellow chariot with my +aunt, blushing like a peony, I declare, and looking so happy!--oh, +so happy and pretty! She had a white dress, and a light blue and +yellow scarf, which my aunt said were the Hoggarty colours; though +what the Hoggartys had to do with light blue and yellow, I don't +know to this day. + +Well, the "True Blue" guard made a great bellowing on his horn as +his four horses dashed away; the boys shouted again; I was placed +bodkin between Mrs. Hoggarty and Mary; Tom Wheeler cut into his +bays; the Lieutenant (who had shaken me cordially by the hand, and +whose big dog did not make the slightest attempt at biting me this +time) beat his pony till its fat sides lathered again; and thus in +this, I may say, unexampled procession, I arrived in triumph at our +village. + +My dear mother and the girls,--Heaven bless them!--nine of them in +their nankeen spencers (I had something pretty in my trunk for each +of them)--could not afford a carriage, but had posted themselves on +the road near the village; and there was such a waving of hands and +handkerchiefs: and though my aunt did not much notice them, except +by a majestic toss of the head, which is pardonable in a woman of +her property, yet Mary Smith did even more than I, and waved her +hands as much as the whole nine. Ah! how my dear mother cried and +blessed me when we met, and called me her soul's comfort and her +darling boy, and looked at me as if I were a paragon of virtue and +genius: whereas I was only a very lucky young fellow, that by the +aid of kind friends had stepped rapidly into a very pretty +property. + +I was not to stay with my mother,--that had been arranged +beforehand; for though she and Mrs. Hoggarty were not remarkably +good friends, yet Mother said it was for my benefit that I should +stay with my aunt, and so give up the pleasure of having me with +her: and though hers was much the humbler house of the two, I need +not say I preferred it far to Mrs. Hoggarty's more splendid one; +let alone the horrible Rosolio, of which I was obliged now to drink +gallons. + +It was to Mrs. H.'s then we were driven: she had prepared a great +dinner that evening, and hired an extra waiter, and on getting out +of the carriage, she gave a sixpence to Tom Wheeler, saying that +was for himself, and that she would settle with Mrs. Rincer for the +horses afterwards. At which Tom flung the sixpence upon the +ground, swore most violently, and was very justly called by my aunt +an "impertinent fellow." + +She had taken such a liking to me that she would hardly bear me out +of her sight. We used to sit for morning after morning over her +accounts, debating for hours together the propriety of selling the +Slopperton property; but no arrangement was come to yet about it, +for Hodge and Smithers could not get the price she wanted. And, +moreover, she vowed that at her decease she would leave every +shilling to me. + +Hodge and Smithers, too, gave a grand party, and treated me with +marked consideration; as did every single person of the village. +Those who could not afford to give dinners gave teas, and all drank +the health of the young couple; and many a time after dinner or +supper was my Mary made to blush by the allusions to the change in +her condition. + +The happy day for that ceremony was now fixed, and the 24th July, +1823, saw me the happiest husband of the prettiest girl in +Somersetshire. We were married from my mother's house, who would +insist upon that at any rate, and the nine girls acted as +bridesmaids; ay! and Gus Hoskins came from town express to be my +groomsman, and had my old room at my mother's, and stayed with her +for a week, and cast a sheep's-eye upon Miss Winny Titmarsh too, my +dear fourth sister, as I afterwards learned. + +My aunt was very kind upon the marriage ceremony, indeed. She had +desired me some weeks previous to order three magnificent dresses +for Mary from the celebrated Madame Mantalini of London, and some +elegant trinkets and embroidered pocket-handkerchiefs from Howell +and James's. These were sent down to me, and were to be MY present +to the bride; but Mrs. Hoggarty gave me to understand that I need +never trouble myself about the payment of the bill, and I thought +her conduct very generous. Also she lent us her chariot for the +wedding journey, and made with her own hands a beautiful crimson +satin reticule for Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, her dear niece. It +contained a huswife completely furnished with needles, &c., for she +hoped Mrs. Titmarsh would never neglect her needle; and a purse +containing some silver pennies, and a very curious pocket-piece. +"As long as you keep these, my dear," said Mrs. Hoggarty, "you will +never want; and fervently--fervently do I pray that you will keep +them." In the carriage-pocket we found a paper of biscuits and a +bottle of Rosolio. We laughed at this, and made it over to Tom +Wheeler--who, however, did not seem to like it much better than we. + +I need not say I was married in Mr. Von Stiltz's coat (the third +and fourth coats, Heaven help us! in a year), and that I wore +sparkling in my bosom the GREAT HOGGARTY DIAMOND. + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +BRINGS BACK SAM, HIS WIFE, AUNT, AND DIAMOND, TO LONDON + +We pleased ourselves during the honeymoon with forming plans for +our life in London, and a pretty paradise did we build for +ourselves! Well, we were but forty years old between us; and, for +my part, I never found any harm come of castle-building, but a +great deal of pleasure. + +Before I left London I had, to say the truth, looked round me for a +proper place, befitting persons of our small income; and Gus +Hoskins and I, who hunted after office-hours in couples, bad fixed +on a very snug little cottage in Camden Town, where there was a +garden that certain SMALL PEOPLE might play in when they came: a +horse and gig-house, if ever we kept one,--and why not, in a few +years?--and a fine healthy air, at a reasonable distance from +'Change; all for 30L. a year. I had described this little spot to +Mary as enthusiastically as Sancho describes Lizias to Don Quixote; +and my dear wife was delighted with the prospect of housekeeping +there, vowed she would cook all the best dishes herself (especially +jam-pudding, of which I confess I am very fond), and promised Gus +that he should dine with us at Clematis Bower every Sunday: only +he must not smoke those horrid cigars. As for Gus, he vowed he +would have a room in the neighbourhood too, for he could not bear +to go back to Bell Lane, where we two had been so happy together; +and so good-natured Mary said she would ask my sister Winny to come +and keep her company. At which Hoskins blushed, and said, "Pooh! +nonsense now." + +But all our hopes of a happy snug Clematis Lodge were dashed to the +ground on our return from our little honeymoon excursion; when Mrs. +Hoggarty informed us that she was sick of the country, and was +determined to go to London with her dear nephew and niece, and keep +house for them, and introduce them to her friends in the +metropolis. + +What could we do? We wished her at--Bath: certainly not in +London. But there was no help for it; and we were obliged to bring +her: for, as my mother said, if we offended her, her fortune would +go out of our family; and were we two young people not likely to +want it? + +So we came to town rather dismally in the carriage, posting the +whole way; for the carriage must be brought, and a person of my +aunt's rank in life could not travel by the stage. And I had to +pay 14L. for the posters, which pretty nearly exhausted all my +little hoard of cash. + +First we went into lodgings,--into three sets in three weeks. We +quarrelled with the first landlady, because my aunt vowed that she +cut a slice off the leg of mutton which was served for our dinner; +from the second lodgings we went because aunt vowed the maid would +steal the candles; from the third we went because Aunt Hoggarty +came down to breakfast the morning after our arrival with her face +shockingly swelled and bitten by--never mind what. To cut a long +tale short, I was half mad with the continual choppings and +changings, and the long stories and scoldings of my aunt. As for +her great acquaintances, none of them were in London; and she made +it a matter of quarrel with me that I had not introduced her to +John Brough, Esquire, M.P., and to Lord and Lady Tiptoff, her +relatives. + +Mr. Brough was at Brighton when we arrived in town; and on his +return I did not care at first to tell our Director that I had +brought my aunt with me, or mention my embarrassments for money. +He looked rather serious when perforce I spoke of the latter to him +and asked for an advance; but when he heard that my lack of money +had been occasioned by the bringing of my aunt to London, his tone +instantly changed. "That, my dear boy, alters the question; Mrs. +Hoggarty is of an age when all things must be yielded to her. Here +are a hundred pounds; and I beg you to draw upon me whenever you +are in the least in want of money." This gave me breathing-time +until she should pay her share of the household expenses. And the +very next day Mr. and Mrs. John Brough, in their splendid carriage- +and-four, called upon Mrs. Hoggarty and my wife at our lodgings in +Lamb's Conduit Street. + +It was on the very day when my poor aunt appeared with her face in +that sad condition; and she did not fail to inform Mrs. Brough of +the cause, and to state that at Castle Hoggarty, or at her country +place in Somersetshire, she had never heard or thought of such vile +odious things. + +"Gracious heavens!" shouted John Brough, Esquire, "a lady of your +rank to suffer in this way!--the excellent relative of my dear boy, +Titmarsh! Never, madam--never let it be said that Mrs. Hoggarty of +Castle Hoggarty should be subject to such horrible humiliation, +while John Brough has a home to offer her,--a humble, happy, +Christian home, madam; though unlike, perhaps, the splendour to +which you have been accustomed in the course of your distinguished +career. Isabella my love!--Belinda! speak to Mrs. Hoggarty. Tell +her that John Brough's house is hers from garret to cellar. I +repeat it, madam, from garret to cellar. I desire--I insist--I +order, that Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty's trunks should be +placed this instant in my carriage! Have the goodness to look to +them yourself, Mrs. Titmarsh, and see that your dear aunt's +comforts are better provided for than they have been." + +Mary went away rather wondering at this order. But, to be sure, +Mr. Brough was a great man, and her Samuel's benefactor; and though +the silly child absolutely began to cry as she packed and toiled at +Aunt's enormous valises, yet she performed the work, and came down +with a smiling face to my aunt, who was entertaining Mr. and Mrs. +Brough with a long and particular account of the balls at the +Castle, in Dublin, in Lord Charleville's time. + +"I have packed the trunks, Aunt, but I am not strong enough to +bring them down," said Mary. + +"Certainly not, certainly not," said John Brough, perhaps a little +ashamed. "Hallo! George, Frederic, Augustus, come upstairs this +instant, and bring down the trunks of Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle +Hoggarty, which this young lady will show you." + +Nay, so great was Mr. Brough's condescension, that when some of his +fashionable servants refused to meddle with the trunks, he himself +seized a pair of them with both bands, carried them to the +carriage, and shouted loud enough for all Lamb's Conduit Street to +hear, "John Brough is not proud--no, no; and if his footmen are too +high and mighty, he'll show them a lesson of humility." + +Mrs. Brough was for running downstairs too, and taking the trunks +from her husband; but they were too heavy for her, so she contented +herself with sitting on one, and asking all persons who passed her, +whether John Brough was not an angel of a man? + +In this way it was that my aunt left us. I was not aware of her +departure, for I was at the office at the time; and strolling back +at five with Gus, saw my dear Mary smiling and bobbing from the +window, and beckoning to us both to come up. This I thought was +very strange, because Mrs. Hoggarty could not abide Hoskins, and +indeed had told me repeatedly that either she or he must quit the +house. Well, we went upstairs, and there was Mary, who had dried +her tears and received us with the most smiling of faces, and +laughed and clapped her hands, and danced, and shook Gus's hand. +And what do you think the little rogue proposed? I am blest if she +did not say she would like to go to Vauxhall! + +As dinner was laid for three persons only, Gus took his seat with +fear and trembling; and then Mrs. Sam Titmarsh related the +circumstances which had occurred, and how Mrs. Hoggarty had been +whisked away to Fulham in Mr. Brough's splendid carriage-and-four. +"Let her go," I am sorry to say, said I; and indeed we relished our +veal-cutlets and jam-pudding a great deal more than Mrs. Hoggarty +did her dinner off plate at the Rookery. + +We had a very merry party to Vauxhall, Gus insisting on standing +treat; and you may be certain that my aunt, whose absence was +prolonged for three weeks, was heartily welcome to remain away, for +we were much merrier and more comfortable without her. My little +Mary used to make my breakfast before I went to office of mornings; +and on Sundays we had a holiday, and saw the dear little children +eat their boiled beef and potatoes at the Foundling, and heard the +beautiful music: but, beautiful as it is, I think the children +were a more beautiful sight still, and the look of their innocent +happy faces was better than the best sermon. On week-days Mrs. +Titmarsh would take a walk about five o'clock in the evening on the +LEFT-hand side of Lamb's Conduit Street (as you go to Holborn)--ay, +and sometimes pursue her walk as far as Snow Hill, when two young +gents from the I. W. D. Fire and Life were pretty sure to meet her; +and then how happily we all trudged off to dinner! Once we came up +as a monster of a man, with high heels and a gold-headed cane, and +whiskers all over his face, was grinning under Mary's bonnet, and +chattering to her, close to Day and Martin's Blacking Manufactory +(not near such a handsome thing then as it is now)--there was the +man chattering and ogling his best, when who should come up but Gus +and I? And in the twinkling of a pegpost, as Lord Duberley says, +my gentleman was seized by the collar of his coat and found himself +sprawling under a stand of hackney-coaches; where all the watermen +were grinning at him. The best of it was, he left his HEAD OF HAIR +AND WHISKERS in my hand: but Mary said, "Don't be hard upon him, +Samuel; it's only a Frenchman." And so we gave him his wig back, +which one of the grinning stable-boys put on and carried to him as +he lay in the straw. + +He shrieked out something about "arretez," and "Francais," and +"champ-d'honneur;" but we walked on, Gus putting his thumb to his +nose and stretching out his finger at Master Frenchman. This made +everybody laugh; and so the adventure ended. + +About ten days after my aunt's departure came a letter from her, of +which I give a copy:- + + +"My Dear Nephew,--It was my earnest whish e'er this to have +returned to London, where I am sure you and my niece Titmarsh miss +me very much, and where she, poor thing, quite inexperienced in the +ways of 'the great metropulus,' in aconamy, and indeed in every +qualaty requasit in a good wife and the mistress of a famaly, can +hardly manidge, I am sure, without me. + +"Tell her ON NO ACCOUNT to pay more than 6.5D. for the prime +pieces, 4.75D. for soup meat; and that the very best of London +butter is to be had for 8.5D.; of course, for pudns and the kitchin +you'll employ a commoner sort. My trunks were sadly packed by Mrs. +Titmarsh, and the hasp of the portmantyou-lock has gone through my +yellow satn. I have darned it, and woar it already twice, at two +ellygant (though quiat) evening-parties given by my HOSPATABLE +host; and my pegreen velvet on Saturday at a grand dinner, when +Lord Scaramouch handed me to table. Everything was in the most +SUMPTIOUS STYLE. Soup top and bottom (white and brown), removed by +turbit and sammon with IMMENSE BOLES OF LOBSTER-SAUCE. Lobsters +alone cost 15S. Turbit, three guineas. The hole sammon, weighing, +I'm sure, 15 lbs., and NEVER SEEN at table again; not a bitt of +pickled sammon the hole weak afterwards. This kind of extravigance +would JUST SUIT Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who, as I always say, burns THE +CANDLE AT BOTH ENDS. Well, young people, it is lucky for you you +have an old aunt who knows better, and has a long purse; without +witch, I dare say, SOME folks would be glad to see her out of +doors. I don't mean you, Samuel, who have, I must say, been a +dutiful nephew to me. Well, I dare say I shan't live long, and +some folks won't be sorry to have me in my grave. + +"Indeed, on Sunday I was taken in my stomick very ill, and thought +it might have been the lobster-sauce; but Doctor Blogg, who was +called in, said it was, he very much feared, CUMSUMPTIVE; but gave +me some pills and a draft wh made me better. Please call upon him- +-he lives at Pimlico, and you can walk out there after office +hours--and present him with 1L. lS., with my compliments. I have +no money here but a 10L. note, the rest being locked up in my box +at Lamb's Cundit Street. + +"Although the flesh is not neglected in Mr. B.'s sumptious +establishment, I can assure you the SPERRIT is likewise cared for. +Mr. B. reads and igspounds every morning; and o but his exorcises +refresh the hungry sole before breakfast! Everything is in the +handsomest style,--silver and goold plate at breakfast, lunch, and +dinner; and his crest and motty, a beehive, with the Latn word +INDUSTRIA, meaning industry, on EVERYTHING--even on the chany juggs +and things in my bedd-room. On Sunday we were favoured by a +special outpouring from the Rev. Grimes Wapshot, of the Amabaptist +Congrigation here, and who egshorted for 3 hours in the afternoon +in Mr. B.'s private chapel. As the widow of a Hoggarty, I have +always been a staunch supporter of the established Church of +England and Ireland; but I must say Mr. Wapshot's stirring way was +far superior to that of the Rev. Bland Blenkinsop of the +Establishment, who lifted up his voice after dinner for a short +discourse of two hours. + +"Mrs. Brough is, between ourselves, a poor creature, and has no +sperrit of her own. As for Miss B., she is so saucy that once I +promised to box her years; and would have left the house, had not +Mr. B. taken my part, and Miss made me a suitable apollogy. + +"I don't know when I shall return to town, being made really so +welcome here. Dr. Blogg says the air of Fulham is the best in the +world for my simtums; and as the ladies of the house do not choose +to walk out with me, the Rev. Grimes Wapshot has often been kind +enough to lend me his arm, and 'tis sweet with such a guide to +wander both to Putney and Wandsworth, and igsamin the wonderful +works of nature. I have spoke to him about the Slopperton +property, and he is not of Mr. B.'s opinion that I should sell it; +but on this point I shall follow my own counsel. + +"Meantime you must gett into more comfortable lodgings, and lett my +bedd be warmed every night, and of rainy days have a fire in the +grate: and let Mrs. Titmarsh look up my blue silk dress, and turn +it against I come; and there is my purple spencer she can have for +herself; and I hope she does not wear those three splendid gowns +you gave her, but keep them until BETTER TIMES. I shall soon +introduse her to my friend Mr. Brough, and others of my +acquaintances; and am always + +"Your loving AUNT. + +"I have ordered a chest of the Rosolio to be sent from +Somersetshire. When it comes, please to send half down here +(paying the carriage, of course). 'Twill be an acceptable present +to my kind entertainer, Mr. B." + + +This letter was brought to me by Mr. Brough himself at the office, +who apologised to me for having broken the seal by inadvertence; +for the letter had been mingled with some more of his own, and he +opened it without looking at the superscription. Of course he had +not read it, and I was glad of that; for I should not have liked +him to see my aunt's opinion of his daughter and lady. + +The next day, a gentleman at "Tom's Coffee-house," Cornhill, sent +me word at the office that he wanted particularly to speak to me: +and I stopped thither, and found my old friend Smithers, of the +house of Hodge and Smithers, just off the coach, with his carpet- +bag between his legs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you are your aunt's heir, and I have a +piece of news for you regarding her property which you ought to +know. She wrote us down a letter for a chest of that home-made +wine of hers which she calls Rosolio, and which lies in our +warehouse along with her furniture." + +"Well," says I, smiling, "she may part with as much Rosolio as she +likes for me. I cede all my right." + +"Psha!" says Smithers, "it's not that; though her furniture puts us +to a deuced inconvenience, to be sure--it's not that: but, in the +postscript of her letter, she orders us to advertise the Slopperton +and Squashtail estates for immediate sale, as she purposes placing +her capital elsewhere." + +I know that the Slopperton and Squashtail property had been the +source of a very pretty income to Messrs. Hodge and Smithers, for +Aunt was always at law with her tenants, and paid dearly for her +litigious spirit; so that Mr. Smithers's concern regarding the sale +of it did not seem to me to be quite disinterested. + +"And did you come to London, Mr. Smithers, expressly to acquaint me +with this fact? It seems to me you had much better have obeyed my +aunt's instructions at once, or go to her at Fulham, and consult +with her on this subject." + +"'Sdeath, Mr. Titmarsh! don't you see that if she makes a sale of +her property, she will hand over the money to Brough; and if Brough +gets the money he--" + +"Will give her seven per cent. for it instead of three,--there's no +harm in that." + +"But there's such a thing as security, look you. He is a warm man, +certainly--very warm--quite respectable--most undoubtedly +respectable. But who knows? A panic may take place; and then +these five hundred companies in which he is engaged may bring him +to ruin. There's the Ginger Beer Company, of which Brough is a +director: awkward reports are abroad concerning it. The +Consolidated Baffin's Bay Muff and Tippet Company--the shares are +down very low, and Brough is a director there. The Patent Pump +Company--shares at 65, and a fresh call, which nobody will pay." + +"Nonsense, Mr. Smithers! Has not Mr. Brough five hundred thousand +pounds' worth of shares in the INDEPENDENT WEST DIDDLESEX, and is +THAT at a discount? Who recommended my aunt to invest her money in +that speculation, I should like to know?" I had him there. + +"Well, well, it is a very good speculation, certainly, and has +brought you three hundred a year, Sam my boy; and you may thank us +for the interest we took in you (indeed, we loved you as a son, and +Miss Hodge has not recovered a certain marriage yet). You don't +intend to rebuke us for making your fortune, do you?" + +"No, hang it, no!" says I, and shook hands with him, and accepted a +glass of sherry and biscuits, which he ordered forthwith. + +Smithers returned, however, to the charge. "Sam," he said, "mark +my words, and take your aunt AWAY FROM THE ROOKERY. She wrote to +Mrs. S. a long account of a reverend gent with whom she walks out +there,--the Reverend Grimes Wapshot. That man has an eye upon her. +He was tried at Lancaster in the year '14 for forgery, and narrowly +escaped with his neck. Have a care of him--he has an eye to her +money." + +"Nay," said I, taking out Mrs. Hoggarty's letter: "read for +yourself." + +He read it over very carefully, seemed to be amused by it; and as +he returned it to me, "Well, Sam," he said, "I have only two +favours to ask of you: one is, not to mention that I am in town to +any living soul; and the other is to give me a dinner in Lamb's +Conduit Street with your pretty wife." + +"I promise you both gladly," I said, laughing. "But if you dine +with us, your arrival in town must be known, for my friend Gus +Hoskins dines with us likewise; and has done so nearly every day +since my aunt went." + +He laughed too, and said, "We must swear Gus to secrecy over a +bottle." And so we parted till dinner-time. + +The indefatigable lawyer pursued his attack after dinner, and was +supported by Gus and by my wife too; who certainly was +disinterested in the matter--more than disinterested, for she would +have given a great deal to be spared my aunt's company. But she +said she saw the force of Mr. Smithers's arguments, and I admitted +their justice with a sigh. However, I rode my high horse, and +vowed that my aunt should do what she liked with her money; and +that I was not the man who would influence her in any way in the +disposal of it. + +After tea, the two gents walked away together, and Gus told me that +Smithers had asked him a thousand questions about the office, about +Brough, about me and my wife, and everything concerning us. "You +are a lucky fellow, Mr. Hoskins, and seem to be the friend of this +charming young couple," said Smithers; and Gus confessed he was, +and said he had dined with us fifteen times in six weeks, and that +a better and more hospitable fellow than I did not exist. This I +state not to trumpet my own praises,--no, no; but because these +questions of Smithers's had a good deal to do with the subsequent +events narrated in this little history. + +Being seated at dinner the next day off the cold leg of mutton that +Smithers had admired so the day before, and Gus as usual having his +legs under our mahogany, a hackney-coach drove up to the door, +which we did not much heed; a step was heard on the floor, which we +hoped might be for the two-pair lodger, when who should burst into +the room but Mrs. Hoggarty herself! Gus, who was blowing the froth +off a pot of porter preparatory to a delicious drink of the +beverage, and had been making us die of laughing with his stories +and jokes, laid down the pewter pot as Mrs. H. came in, and looked +quite sick and pale. Indeed we all felt a little uneasy. + +My aunt looked haughtily in Mary's face, then fiercely at Gus, and +saying, "It is too true--my poor boy--ALREADY!" flung herself +hysterically into my arms, and swore, almost choking, that she +would never never leave me. + +I could not understand the meaning of this extraordinary agitation +on Mrs. Hoggarty's part, nor could any of us. She refused Mary's +hand when the poor thing rather nervously offered it; and when Gus +timidly said, "I think, Sam, I'm rather in the way here, and +perhaps--had better go," Mrs. H. looked him full in the face, +pointed to the door majestically with her forefinger, and said, "I +think, sir, you HAD better go." + +"I hope Mr. Hoskins will stay as long as he pleases," said my wife, +with spirit. + +"OF COURSE you hope so, madam," answered Mrs. Hoggarty, very +sarcastic. But Mary's speech and my aunt's were quite lost upon +Gus; for he had instantly run to his hat, and I heard him tumbling +downstairs. + +The quarrel ended, as usual, by Mary's bursting into a fit of +tears, and by my aunt's repeating the assertion that it was not too +late, she trusted; and from that day forth she would never never +leave me. + +"What could have made Aunt return and be so angry?" said I to Mary +that night, as we were in our own room; but my wife protested she +did not know: and it was only some time after that I found out the +reason of this quarrel, and of Mrs. H.'s sudden reappearance. + +The horrible fat coarse little Smithers told me the matter as a +very good joke, only the other year, when he showed me the letter +of Hickson, Dixon, Paxton and Jackson, which has before been quoted +in my Memoirs. + +"Sam my boy," said he, "you were determined to leave Mrs. Hoggarty +in Brough's clutches at the Rookery, and I was determined to have +her away. I resolved to kill two of your mortal enemies with one +stone as it were. It was quite clear to me that the Reverend +Grimes Wapshot had an eye to your aunt's fortune; and that Mr. +Brough had similar predatory intentions regarding her. Predatory +is a mild word, Sam: if I had said robbery at once, I should +express my meaning clearer. + +"Well, I took the Fulham stage, and arriving, made straight for the +lodgings of the reverend gentleman. 'Sir,' said I, on finding that +worthy gent,--he was drinking warm brandy-and-water, Sam, at two +o'clock in the day, or at least the room smelt very strongly of +that beverage--'Sir,' says I, 'you were tried for forgery in the +year '14, at Lancaster assizes.' + +"'And acquitted, sir. My innocence was by Providence made clear,' +said Wapshot. + +"'But you were not acquitted of embezzlement in '16, sir,' says I, +'and passed two years in York Gaol in consequence.' I knew the +fellow's history, for I had a writ out against him when he was a +preacher at Clifton. I followed up my blow. 'Mr. Wapshot,' said +I, 'you are making love to an excellent lady now at the house of +Mr. Brough: if you do not promise to give up all pursuit of her, I +will expose you.' + +"'I HAVE promised,' said Wapshot, rather surprised, and looking +more easy. 'I have given my solemn promise to Mr. Brough, who was +with me this very morning, storming, and scolding, and swearing. +Oh, sir, it would have frightened you to hear a Christian babe like +him swear as he did.' + +"'Mr. Brough been here?' says I, rather astonished. + +"'Yes; I suppose you are both here on the same scent,' says +Wapshot. 'You want to marry the widow with the Slopperton and +Squashtail estate, do you? Well, well, have your way. I've +promised not to have anything more to do with the widow and a +Wapshot's honour is sacred.' + +"'I suppose, sir,' says I, 'Mr. Brough has threatened to kick you +out of doors, if you call again.' + +"'You HAVE been with him, I see,' says the reverend gent, with a +shrug: then I remembered what you had told me of the broken seal +of your letter, and have not the slightest doubt that Brough opened +and read every word of it. + +"Well, the first bird was bagged: both I and Brough had had a shot +at him. Now I had to fire at the whole Rookery; and off I went, +primed and loaded, sir,--primed and loaded. + +"It was past eight when I arrived, and I saw, after I passed the +lodge-gates, a figure that I knew, walking in the shrubbery--that +of your respected aunt, sir: but I wished to meet the amiable +ladies of the house before I saw her; because look, friend +Titmarsh, I saw by Mrs. Hoggarty's letter, that she and they were +at daggers drawn, and hoped to get her out of the house at once by +means of a quarrel with them." + +I laughed, and owned that Mr. Smithers was a very cunning fellow. + +"As luck would have it," continued he, "Miss Brough was in the +drawing-room twangling on a guitar, and singing most atrociously +out of tune; but as I entered at the door, I cried 'Hush!' to the +footman, as loud as possible, stood stock-still, and then walked +forward on tip-toe lightly. Miss B. could see in the glass every +movement that I made; she pretended not to see, however, and +finished the song with a regular roulade. + +"'Gracious Heaven!' said I, 'do, madam, pardon me for interrupting +that delicious harmony,--for coming unaware upon it, for daring +uninvited to listen to it.' + +"'Do you come for Mamma, sir?' said Miss Brough, with as much +graciousness as her physiognomy could command. 'I am Miss Brough, +sir.' + +"'I wish, madam, you would let me not breathe a word regarding my +business until you have sung another charming strain.' + +"She did not sing, but looked pleased, and said, 'La! sir, what is +your business?' + +"'My business is with a lady, your respected father's guest in this +house.' + +"'Oh, Mrs. Hoggarty!' says Miss Brough, flouncing towards the bell, +and ringing it. 'John, send to Mrs. Hoggarty, in the shrubbery; +here is a gentleman who wants to see her.' + +"'I know,' continued I, 'Mrs. Hoggarty's peculiarities as well as +anyone, madam; and aware that those and her education are not such +as to make her a fit companion for you. I know you do not like +her: she has written to us in Somersetshire that you do not like +her.' + +"'What! she has been abusing us to her friends, has she?' cried +Miss Brough (it was the very point I wished to insinuate). 'If she +does not like us, why does she not leave us?' + +"'She HAS made rather a long visit,' said I; 'and I am sure that +her nephew and niece are longing for her return. Pray, madam, do +not move, for you may aid me in the object for which I come.' + +"The object for which I came, sir, was to establish a regular +battle-royal between the two ladies; at the end of which I intended +to appeal to Mrs. Hoggarty, and say that she ought really no longer +to stay in a house with the members of which she had such unhappy +differences. Well, sir, the battle-royal was fought,--Miss Belinda +opening the fire, by saying she understood Mrs. Hoggarty had been +calumniating her to her friends. But though at the end of it Miss +rushed out of the room in a rage, and vowed she would leave her +home unless that odious woman left it, your dear aunt said, 'Ha, +ha! I know the minx's vile stratagems; but, thank Heaven! I have a +good heart, and my religion enables me to forgive her. I shall not +leave her excellent papa's house, or vex by my departure that +worthy admirable man.' + +"I then tried Mrs. H. on the score of compassion. 'Your niece,' +said I, 'Mrs. Titmarsh, madam, has been of late, Sam says, rather +poorly,--qualmish of mornings, madam,--a little nervous, and low in +spirits,--symptoms, madam, that are scarcely to be mistaken in a +young married person.' + +"Mrs. Hoggarty said she had an admirable cordial that she would +send Mrs. Samuel Titmarsh, and she was perfectly certain it would +do her good. + +"With very great unwillingness I was obliged now to bring my last +reserve into the field, and may tell you what that was, Sam my boy, +now that the matter is so long passed. 'Madam,' said I, 'there's a +matter about which I must speak, though indeed I scarcely dare. I +dined with your nephew yesterday, and met at his table a young man- +-a young man of low manners, but evidently one who has blinded your +nephew, and I too much fear has succeeded in making an impression +upon your niece. His name is Hoskins, madam; and when I state that +he who was never in the house during your presence there, has dined +with your too confiding nephew sixteen times in three weeks, I may +leave you to imagine what I dare not--dare not imagine myself.' + +"The shot told. Your aunt bounced up at once, and in ten minutes +more was in my carriage, on our way back to London. There, sir, +was not that generalship?" + +"And you played this pretty trick off at my wife's expense, Mr. +Smithers," said I. + +"At your wife's expense, certainly; but for the benefit of both of +you." + +"It's lucky, sir, that you are an old man," I replied, "and that +the affair happened ten years ago; or, by the Lord, Mr. Smithers, I +would have given you such a horsewhipping as you never heard of!" + +But this was the way in which Mrs. Hoggarty was brought back to her +relatives; and this was the reason why we took that house in +Bernard Street, the doings at which must now he described. + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +OF SAM'S PRIVATE AFFAIRS AND OF THE FIRM OF BROUGH AND HOFF + +We took a genteel house in Bernard Street, Russell Square, and my +aunt sent for all her furniture from the country; which would have +filled two such houses, but which came pretty cheap to us young +housekeepers, as we had only to pay the carriage of the goods from +Bristol. + +When I brought Mrs. H. her third half-year's dividend, having not +for four months touched a shilling of her money, I must say she +gave me 50L. of the 80L., and told me that was ample pay for the +board and lodging of a poor old woman like her, who did not eat +more than a sparrow. + +I have myself, in the country, seen her eat nine sparrows in a +pudding; but she was rich and I could not complain. If she saved +600L. a year, at the least, by living with us, why, all the savings +would one day come to me; and so Mary and I consoled ourselves, and +tried to manage matters as well as we might. It was no easy task +to keep a mansion in Bernard Street and save money out of 470L. a +year, which was my income. But what a lucky fellow I was to have +such an income! + +As Mrs. Hoggarty left the Rookery in Smithers's carriage, Mr. +Brough, with his four greys, was entering the lodge-gate; and I +should like to have seen the looks of these two gentlemen, as the +one was carrying the other's prey off, out of his own very den, +under his very nose. + +He came to see her the next day, and protested that he would not +leave the house until she left it with him: that he had heard of +his daughter's infamous conduct, and had seen her in tears--"in +tears, madam, and on her knees, imploring Heaven to pardon her!" +But Mr. B. was obliged to leave the house without my aunt, who had +a causa major for staying, and hardly allowed poor Mary out of her +sight,--opening every one of the letters that came into the house +directed to my wife, and suspecting hers to everybody. Mary never +told me of all this pain for many many years afterwards; but had +always a smiling face for her husband when he came home from his +work. As for poor Gus, my aunt had so frightened him, that he +never once showed his nose in the place all the time we lived +there; but used to be content with news of Mary, of whom he was as +fond as he was of me. + +Mr. Brough, when my aunt left him, was in a furious ill-humour with +me. He found fault with me ten times a day, and openly, before the +gents of the office; but I let him one day know pretty smartly that +I was not only a servant, but a considerable shareholder in the +company; that I defied him to find fault with my work or my +regularity; and that I was not minded to receive any insolent +language from him or any man. He said it was always so: that he +had never cherished a young man in his bosom, but the ingrate had +turned on him; that he was accustomed to wrong and undutifulness +from his children, and that he would pray that the sin might be +forgiven me. A moment before he had been cursing and swearing at +me, and speaking to me as if I had been his shoeblack. But, look +you, I was not going to put up with any more of Madam Brough's +airs, or of his. With me they might act as they thought fit; but I +did not choose that my wife should be passed over by them, as she +had been in the matter of the visit to Fulham. + +Brough ended by warning me of Hodge and Smithers. "Beware of these +men," said he; "but for my honesty, your aunt's landed property +would have been sacrificed by these cormorants: and when, for her +benefit--which you, obstinate young man, will not perceive--I +wished to dispose of her land, her attorneys actually had the +audacity--the unchristian avarice I may say--to ask ten per cent. +commission on the sale." + +There might be some truth in this, I thought: at any rate, when +rogues fall out, honest men come by their own: and now I began to +suspect, I am sorry to say, that both the attorney and the Director +had a little of the rogue in their composition. It was especially +about my wife's fortune that Mr. B. showed HIS cloven foot: for +proposing, as usual, that I should purchase shares with it in our +Company, I told him that my wife was a minor, and as such her +little fortune was vested out of my control altogether. He flung +away in a rage at this; and I soon saw that he did not care for me +any more, by Abednego's manner to me. No more holidays, no more +advances of money, had I: on the contrary, the private clerkship +at 150L. was abolished, and I found myself on my 250L. a year +again. Well, what then? it was always a good income, and I did my +duty, and laughed at the Director. + +About this time, in the beginning of 1824, the Jamaica Ginger Beer +Company shut up shop--exploded, as Gus said, with a bang! The +Patent Pump shares were down to 15L. upon a paid-up capital of 65L. +Still ours were at a high premium; and the Independent West +Diddlesex held its head up as proudly as any office in London. +Roundhand's abuse had had some influence against the Director, +certainly; for he hinted at malversation of shares: but the +Company still stood as united as the Hand-in-Hand, and as firm as +the Rock. + +To return to the state of affairs in Bernard Street, Russell +Square: my aunt's old furniture crammed our little rooms; and my +aunt's enormous old jingling grand piano, with crooked legs and +half the strings broken, occupied three-fourths of the little +drawing-room. Here used Mrs. H. to sit, and play us, for hours, +sonatas that were in fashion in Lord Charleville's time; and sung +with a cracked voice, till it was all that we could do to refrain +from laughing. + +And it was queer to remark the change that had taken place in Mrs. +Hoggarty's character now: for whereas she was in the country among +the topping persons of the village, and quite content with a tea- +party at six and a game of twopenny whist afterwards,--in London +she would never dine till seven; would have a fly from the mews to +drive in the Park twice a week; cut and uncut, and ripped up and +twisted over and over, all her old gowns, flounces, caps, and +fallals, and kept my poor Mary from morning till night altering +them to the present mode. Mrs. Hoggarty, moreover, appeared in a +new wig; and, I am sorry to say, turned out with such a pair of red +cheeks as Nature never gave her, and as made all the people in +Bernard Street stare, where they are not as yet used to such +fashions. + +Moreover, she insisted upon our establishing a servant in livery,-- +a boy, that is, of about sixteen,--who was dressed in one of the +old liveries that she had brought with her from Somersetshire, +decorated with new cuffs and collars, and new buttons: on the +latter were represented the united crests of the Titmarshes and +Hoggartys, viz., a tomtit rampant and a hog in armour. I thought +this livery and crest-button rather absurd, I must confess; though +my family is very ancient. And heavens! what a roar of laughter +was raised in the office one day, when the little servant in the +big livery, with the immense cane, walked in and brought me a +message from Mrs. Hoggarty of Castle Hoggarty! Furthermore, all +letters were delivered on a silver tray. If we had had a baby, I +believe Aunt would have had it down on the tray: but there was as +yet no foundation for Mr. Smithers's insinuation upon that score, +any more than for his other cowardly fabrication before narrated. +Aunt and Mary used to walk gravely up and down the New Road, with +the boy following with his great gold-headed stick; but though +there was all this ceremony and parade, and Aunt still talked of +her acquaintances, we did not see a single person from week's end +to week's end, and a more dismal house than ours could hardly be +found in London town. + +On Sundays, Mrs. Hoggarty used to go to St. Pancras Church, then +just built, and as handsome as Covent Garden Theatre; and of +evenings, to a meeting-house of the Anabaptists: and that day, at +least, Mary and I had to ourselves,--for we chose to have seats at +the Foundling, and heard the charming music there, and my wife used +to look wistfully in the pretty children's faces,--and so, for the +matter of that, did I. It was not, however, till a year after our +marriage that she spoke in a way which shall be here passed over, +but which filled both her and me with inexpressible joy. + +I remember she had the news to give me on the very day when the +Muff and Tippet Company shut up, after swallowing a capital of +300,000L. as some said, and nothing to show for it except a treaty +with some Indians, who had afterwards tomahawked the agent of the +Company. Some people said there were no Indians, and no agent to +be tomahawked at all; but that the whole had been invented in a +house in Crutched Friars. Well, I pitied poor Tidd, whose 20,000L. +were thus gone in a year, and whom I met in the City that day with +a most ghastly face. He had 1,000L. of debts, he said, and talked +of shooting himself; but he was only arrested, and passed a long +time in the Fleet. Mary's delightful news, however, soon put Tidd +and the Muff and Tippet Company out of my head; as you may fancy. + +Other circumstances now occurred in the City of London which seemed +to show that our Director was--what is not to be found in Johnson's +Dictionary--rather shaky. Three of his companies had broken; four +more were in a notoriously insolvent state; and even at the +meetings of the directors of the West Diddlesex, some stormy words +passed, which ended in the retirement of several of the board. +Friends of Mr. B.'s filled up their places: Mr. Puppet, Mr. Straw, +Mr. Query, and other respectable gents, coming forward and joining +the concern. Brough and Hoff dissolved partnership; and Mr. B. +said he had quite enough to do to manage the I. W. D., and intended +gradually to retire from the other affairs. Indeed, such an +Association as ours was enough work for any man, let alone the +parliamentary duties which Brough was called on to perform, and the +seventy-two lawsuits which burst upon him as principal director of +the late companies. + +Perhaps I should here describe the desperate attempts made by Mrs. +Hoggarty to introduce herself into genteel life. Strange to say, +although we had my Lord Tiptoff's word to the contrary, she +insisted upon it that she and Lady Drum were intimately related; +and no sooner did she read in the Morning Post of the arrival of +her Ladyship and her granddaughters in London, than she ordered the +fly before mentioned, and left cards at their respective houses: +her card, that is--"MRS. HOGGARTY OF CASTLE HOGGARTY," +magnificently engraved in Gothic letters and flourishes; and ours, +viz., "Mr. and Mrs. S. Titmarsh," which she had printed for the +purpose. + +She would have stormed Lady Jane Preston's door and forced her way +upstairs, in spite of Mary's entreaties to the contrary, had the +footman who received her card given her the least encouragement; +but that functionary, no doubt struck by the oddity of her +appearance, placed himself in the front of the door, and declared +that he had positive orders not to admit any strangers to his lady. +On which Mrs. Hoggarty clenched her fist out of the coach-window, +and promised that she would have him turned away. + +Yellowplush only burst out laughing at this; and though Aunt wrote +a most indignant letter to Mr. Edmund Preston, complaining of the +insolence of the servants of that right honourable gent, Mr. +Preston did not take any notice of her letter, further than to +return it, with a desire that he might not be troubled with such +impertinent visits for the future. A pretty day we had of it when +this letter arrived, owing to my aunt's disappointment and rage in +reading the contents; for when Solomon brought up the note on the +silver tea-tray as usual, my aunt, seeing Mr. Preston's seal and +name at the corner of the letter (which is the common way of +writing adopted by those official gents)--my aunt, I say, seeing +his name and seal, cried, "NOW, Mary, who is right?" and betted my +wife a sixpence that the envelope contained an invitation to +dinner. She never paid the sixpence, though she lost, but +contented herself by abusing Mary all day, and said I was a poor- +spirited sneak for not instantly horsewhipping Mr. P. A pretty +joke, indeed! They would have hanged me in those days, as they did +the man who shot Mr. Perceval. + +And now I should be glad to enlarge upon that experience in genteel +life which I obtained through the perseverance of Mrs. Hoggarty; +but it must be owned that my opportunities were but few, lasting +only for the brief period of six months: and also, genteel society +has been fully described already by various authors of novels, +whose names need not here be set down, but who, being themselves +connected with the aristocracy, viz., as members of noble families, +or as footmen or hangers-on thereof, naturally understand their +subject a great deal better than a poor young fellow from a fire- +office can. + +There was our celebrated adventure in the Opera House, whither Mrs. +H. would insist upon conducting us; and where, in a room of the +establishment called the crush-room, where the ladies and gents +after the music and dancing await the arrival of their carriages (a +pretty figure did our little Solomon cut, by the way, with his big +cane, among the gentlemen of the shoulder-knot assembled in the +lobby!)--where, I say, in the crush-room, Mrs. H. rushed up to old +Lady Drum, whom I pointed out to her, and insisted upon claiming +relationship with her Ladyship. But my Lady Drum had only a memory +when she chose, as I may say, and had entirely on this occasion +thought fit to forget her connection with the Titmarshes and +Hoggarties. Far from recognising us, indeed, she called Mrs. +Hoggarty an "ojus 'oman," and screamed out as loud as possible for +a police-officer. + +This and other rebuffs made my aunt perceive the vanities of this +wicked world, as she said, and threw her more and more into really +serious society. She formed several very valuable acquaintances, +she said, at the Independent Chapel; and among others, lighted upon +her friend of the Rookery, Mr. Grimes Wapshot. We did not know +then the interview which he had had with Mr. Smithers, nor did +Grimes think proper to acquaint us with the particulars of it; but +though I did acquaint Mrs. H. with the fact that her favourite +preacher had been tried for forgery, SHE replied that she +considered the story an atrocious calumny; and HE answered by +saying that Mary and I were in lamentable darkness, and that we +should infallibly find the way to a certain bottomless pit, of +which he seemed to know a great deal. Under the reverend +gentleman's guidance and advice, she, after a time, separated from +St. Pancras altogether--"SAT UNDER HIM," as the phrase is, +regularly thrice a week--began to labour in the conversion of the +poor of Bloomsbury and St. Giles's, and made a deal of baby-linen +for distribution among those benighted people. She did not make +any, however, for Mrs. Sam Titmarsh, who now showed signs that such +would be speedily necessary, but let Mary (and my mother and +sisters in Somersetshire) provide what was requisite for the coming +event. I am not, indeed, sure that she did not say it was wrong on +our parts to make any such provision, and that we ought to let the +morrow provide for itself. At any rate, the Reverend Grimes +Wapshot drank a deal of brandy-and-water at our house, and dined +there even oftener than poor Gus used to do. + +But I had little leisure to attend to him and his doings; for I +must confess at this time I was growing very embarrassed in my +circumstances, and was much harassed both as a private and public +character. + +As regards the former, Mrs. Hoggarty had given me 50L.; but out of +that 50L. I had to pay a journey post from Somersetshire, all the +carriage of her goods from the country, the painting, papering, and +carpeting of my house, the brandy and strong liquors drunk by the +Reverend Grimes and his friends (for the reverend gent said that +Rosolio did not agree with him); and finally, a thousand small +bills and expenses incident to all housekeepers in the town of +London. + +Add to this, I received just at the time when I was most in want of +cash, Madame Mantalini's bill, Messrs. Howell and James's ditto, +the account of Baron Von Stiltz, and the bill of Mr. Polonius for +the setting of the diamond pin. All these bills arrived in a week, +as they have a knack of doing; and fancy my astonishment in +presenting them to Mrs. Hoggarty, when she said, "Well, my dear, +you are in the receipt of a very fine income. If you choose to +order dresses and jewels from first-rate shops, you must pay for +them; and don't expect that I am to abet your extravagance, or give +you a shilling more than the munificent sum I pay you for board and +lodging!" + +How could I tell Mary of this behaviour of Mrs. Hoggarty, and Mary +in such a delicate condition? And bad as matters were at home, I +am sorry to say at the office they began to look still worse. + +Not only did Roundhand leave, but Highmore went away. Abednego +became head clerk: and one day old Abednego came to the place and +was shown into the directors' private room; when he left it, he +came trembling, chattering, and cursing downstairs; and had begun, +"Shentlemen--" a speech to the very clerks in the office, when Mr. +Brough, with an imploring look, and crying out, "Stop till +Saturday!" at length got him into the street. + +On Saturday Abednego junior left the office for ever, and I became +head clerk with 400L. a year salary. It was a fatal week for the +office, too. On Monday, when I arrived and took my seat at the +head desk, and my first read of the newspaper, as was my right, the +first thing I read was, "Frightful fire in Houndsditch! Total +destruction of Mr. Meshach's sealing-wax manufactory and of Mr. +Shadrach's clothing depot, adjoining. In the former was 20,000L. +worth of the finest Dutch wax, which the voracious element attacked +and devoured in a twinkling. The latter estimable gentleman had +just completed forty thousand suits of clothes for the cavalry of +H.H. the Cacique of Poyais." + +Both of these Jewish gents, who were connections of Mr. Abednego, +were insured in our office to the full amount of their loss. The +calamity was attributed to the drunkenness of a scoundrelly Irish +watchman, who was employed on the premises, and who upset a bottle +of whisky in the warehouse of Messrs. Shadrach, and incautiously +looked for the liquor with a lighted candle. The man was brought +to our office by his employers; and certainly, as we all could +testify, was EVEN THEN in a state of frightful intoxication. + +As if this were not sufficient, in the obituary was announced the +demise of Alderman Pash--Alderman Cally-Pash we used to call him in +our lighter hours, knowing his propensity to green fat: but such a +moment as this was no time for joking! He was insured by our house +for 5,000L. And now I saw very well the truth of a remark of +Gus's--viz., that life-assurance companies go on excellently for a +year or two after their establishment, but that it is much more +difficult to make them profitable when the assured parties begin to +die. + +The Jewish fires were the heaviest blows we had had; for though the +Waddingley Cotton-mills had been burnt in 1822, at a loss to the +Company of 80,000L., and though the Patent Erostratus Match +Manufactory had exploded in the same year at a charge of 14,000L., +there were those who said that the loss had not been near so heavy +as was supposed--nay, that the Company had burnt the above-named +establishments as advertisements for themselves. Of these facts I +can't be positive, having never seen the early accounts of the +concern. + +Contrary to the expectation of all us gents, who were ourselves as +dismal as mutes, Mr. Brough came to the office in his coach-and- +four, laughing and joking with a friend as he stepped out at the +door. + +"Gentlemen!" said he, "you have read the papers; they announce an +event which I most deeply deplore. I mean the demise of the +excellent Alderman Pash, one of our constituents. But if anything +can console me for the loss of that worthy man, it is to think that +his children and widow will receive, at eleven o'clock next +Saturday, 5,000L. from my friend Mr. Titmarsh, who is now head +clerk here. As for the accident which has happened to Messrs. +Shadrach and Meshach,--in THAT, at least, there is nothing that can +occasion any person sorrow. On Saturday next, or as soon as the +particulars of their loss can be satisfactorily ascertained, my +friend Mr. Titmarsh will pay to them across the counter a sum of +forty, fifty, eighty, one hundred thousand pounds--according to the +amount of their loss. THEY, at least, will be remunerated; and +though to our proprietors the outlay will no doubt be considerable, +yet we can afford it, gentlemen. John Brough can afford it +himself, for the matter of that, and not be very much embarrassed; +and we must learn to bear ill-fortune as we have hitherto borne +good, and show ourselves to be men always!" + +Mr. B. concluded with some allusions, which I confess I don't like +to give here; for to speak of Heaven in connection with common +worldly matters, has always appeared to me irreverent; and to bring +it to bear witness to the lie in his mouth, as a religious +hypocrite does, is such a frightful crime, that one should be +careful even in alluding to it. + +Mr. Brough's speech somehow found its way into the newspapers of +that very evening; nor can I think who gave a report of it, for +none of our gents left the office that day until the evening papers +had appeared. But there was the speech--ay, and at the week's end, +although Roundhand was heard on 'Change that day declaring he would +bet five to one that Alderman Pash's money would never be paid,--at +the week's end the money was paid by me to Mrs. Pash's solicitor +across the counter, and no doubt Roundhand lost his money. + +Shall I tell how the money was procured? There can be no harm in +mentioning the matter now after twenty years' lapse of time; and +moreover, it is greatly to the credit of two individuals now dead. + +As I was head clerk, I had occasion to be frequently in Brough's +room, and he now seemed once more disposed to take me into his +confidence. + +"Titmarsh my boy," said he one day to me, after looking me hard in +the face, "did you ever hear of the fate of the great Mr. +Silberschmidt of London?" Of course I had. Mr. Silberschmidt, the +Rothschild of his day (indeed I have heard the latter famous gent +was originally a clerk in Silberschmidt's house)--Silberschmidt, +fancying he could not meet his engagements, committed suicide; and +had he lived till four o'clock that day, would have known that he +was worth 400,000L. To tell you frankly the truth," says Mr. B., +"I am in Silberschmidt's case. My late partner, Hoff, has given +bills in the name of the firm to an enormous amount, and I have +been obliged to meet them. I have been cast in fourteen actions, +brought by creditors of that infernal Ginger Beer Company; and all +the debts are put upon my shoulders, on account of my known wealth. +Now, unless I have time, I cannot pay; and the long and short of +the matter is that if I cannot procure 5,000L. before Saturday, OUR +CONCERN IS RUINED!" + +"What! the West Diddlesex ruined?" says I, thinking of my poor +mother's annuity. "Impossible! our business is splendid!" + +"We must have 5,000L. on Saturday, and we are saved; and if you +will, as you can, get it for me, I will give you 10,000L. for the +money!" + +B. then showed me to a fraction the accounts of the concern, and +his own private account; proving beyond the possibility of a doubt, +that with the 5,000L. our office must be set a-going; and without +it, that the concern must stop. No matter how he proved the thing; +but there is, you know, a dictum of a statesman that, give him but +leave to use figures, and he will prove anything. + +I promised to ask Mrs. Hoggarty once more for the money, and she +seemed not to be disinclined. I told him so; and that day he +called upon her, his wife called upon her, his daughter called upon +her, and once more the Brough carriage-and-four was seen at our +house. + +But Mrs. Brough was a bad manager; and, instead of carrying matters +with a high hand, fairly burst into tears before Mrs. Hoggarty, and +went down on her knees and besought her to save dear John. This at +once aroused my aunt's suspicions; and instead of lending the +money, she wrote off to Mr. Smithers instantly to come up to her, +desired me to give her up the 3,000L. scrip shares that I +possessed, called me an atrocious cheat and heartless swindler, and +vowed I had been the cause of her ruin. + +How was Mr. Brough to get the money? I will tell you. Being in +his room one day, old Gates the Fulham porter came and brought him +from Mr. Balls, the pawnbroker, a sum of 1,200L. Missus told him, +he said, to carry the plate to Mr. Balls; and having paid the +money, old Gates fumbled a great deal in his pockets, and at last +pulled out a 5L. note, which he said his daughter Jane had just +sent him from service, and begged Mr. B. would let him have another +share in the Company. "He was mortal sure it would go right yet. +And when he heard master crying and cursing as he and missus were +walking in the shrubbery, and saying that for the want of a few +pounds--a few shillings--the finest fortune in Europe was to be +overthrown, why Gates and his woman thought that they should come +for'ard, to be sure, with all they could, to help the kindest +master and missus ever was." + +This was the substance of Gates's speech; and Mr. Brough shook his +hand and--took the 5L. "Gates," said he, "that 5L. note shall be +the best outlay you ever made in your life!" and I have no doubt it +was,--but it was in heaven that poor old Gates was to get the +interest of his little mite. + +Nor was this the only instance. Mrs. Brough's sister, Miss Dough, +who had been on bad terms with the Director almost ever since he +had risen to be a great man, came to the office with a power of +attorney, and said, "John, Isabella has been with me this morning, +and says you want money, and I have brought you my 4,000L.; it is +all I have, John, and pray God it may do you good--you and my dear +sister, who was the best sister in the world to me--till--till a +little time ago." + +And she laid down the paper: I was called up to witness it, and +Brough, with tears in his eyes, told me her words; for he could +trust me, he said. And thus it was that I came to be present at +Gates's interview with his master, which took place only an hour +afterwards. Brave Mrs. Brough! how she was working for her +husband! Good woman, and kind! but YOU had a true heart, and +merited a better fate! Though wherefore say so? The woman, to +this day, thinks her husband an angel, and loves him a thousand +times better for his misfortunes. + +On Saturday, Alderman Pash's solicitor was paid by me across the +counter, as I said. "Never mind your aunt's money, Titmarsh my +boy," said Brough: "never mind her having resumed her shares. You +are a true honest fellow; you have never abused me like that pack +of curs downstairs, and I'll make your fortune yet!" + +* * * + +The next week, as I was sitting with my wife, with Mr. Smithers, +and with Mrs. Hoggarty, taking our tea comfortably, a knock was +heard at the door, and a gentleman desired to speak to me in the +parlour. It was Mr. Aminadab of Chancery Lane, who arrested me as +a shareholder of the Independent West Diddlesex Association, at the +suit of Von Stiltz of Clifford Street, tailor and draper. + +I called down Smithers, and told him for Heaven's sake not to tell +Mary. + +"Where is Brough?" says Mr. Smithers. + +"Why," says Mr. Aminadab, "he's once more of the firm of Brough and +Off, sir--he breakfasted at Calais this morning!" + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +IN WHICH IT APPEARS THAT A MAN MAY POSSESS A DIAMOND AND YET BE +VERY HARD PRESSED FOR A DINNER + +On that fatal Saturday evening, in a hackney-coach, fetched from +the Foundling, was I taken from my comfortable house and my dear +little wife; whom Mr. Smithers was left to console as he might. He +said that I was compelled to take a journey upon business connected +with the office; and my poor Mary made up a little portmanteau of +clothes, and tied a comforter round my neck, and bade my companion +particularly to keep the coach windows shut: which injunction the +grinning wretch promised to obey. Our journey was not long: it +was only a shilling fare to Cursitor Street, Chancery Lane, and +there I was set down. + +The house before which the coach stopped seemed to be only one of +half-a-dozen in that street which were used for the same purpose. +No man, be he ever so rich, can pass by those dismal houses, I +think, without a shudder. The front windows are barred, and on the +dingy pillar of the door was a shining brass-plate, setting forth +that "Aminadab, Officer to the Sheriff of Middlesex," lived +therein. A little red-haired Israelite opened the first door as +our coach drove up, and received me and my baggage. + +As soon as we entered the door, he barred it, and I found myself in +the face of another huge door, which was strongly locked; and, at +last, passing through that, we entered the lobby of the house. + +There is no need to describe it. It is very like ten thousand +other houses in our dark City of London. There was a dirty passage +and a dirty stair, and from the passage two dirty doors let into +two filthy rooms, which had strong bars at the windows, and yet +withal an air of horrible finery that makes me uncomfortable to +think of even yet. On the walls hung all sorts of trumpery +pictures in tawdry frames (how different from those capital +performances of my cousin Michael Angelo!); on the mantelpiece huge +French clocks, vases, and candlesticks; on the sideboards, enormous +trays of Birmingham plated ware: for Mr. Aminadab not only +arrested those who could not pay money, but lent it to those who +could; and had already, in the way of trade, sold and bought these +articles many times over. + +I agreed to take the back-parlour for the night, and while a Hebrew +damsel was arranging a little dusky sofa-bedstead (woe betide him +who has to sleep on it!) I was invited into the front parlour, +where Mr. Aminadab, bidding me take heart, told me I should have a +dinner for nothing with a party who had just arrived. I did not +want for dinner, but I was glad not to be alone--not alone, even +till Gus came; for whom I despatched a messenger to his lodgings +hard by. + +I found there, in the front parlour, at eight o'clock in the +evening, four gentlemen, just about to sit down to dinner. +Surprising! there was Mr. B., a gentleman of fashion, who had only +within half-an-hour arrived in a post-chaise with his companion, +Mr. Lock, an officer of Horsham gaol. Mr. B. was arrested in this +wise:- He was a careless good-humoured gentleman, and had indorsed +bills to a large amount for a friend; who, a man of high family and +unquestionable honour, had pledged the latter, along with a number +of the most solemn oaths, for the payment of the bills in question. +Having indorsed the notes, young Mr. B., with a proper +thoughtlessness, forgot all about them, and so, by some chance, did +the friend whom he obliged; for, instead of being in London with +the money for the payment of his obligations, this latter gentleman +was travelling abroad, and never hinted one word to Mr. B. that the +notes would fall upon him. The young gentleman was at Brighton +lying sick of a fever; was taken from his bed by a bailiff, and +carried, on a rainy day, to Horsham gaol; had a relapse of his +complaint, and when sufficiently recovered, was brought up to +London to the house of Mr. Aminadab; where I found him--a pale, +thin, good-humoured, LOST young man: he was lying on a sofa, and +had given orders for the dinner to which I was invited. The lad's +face gave one pain to look at; it was impossible not to see that +his hours were numbered. + +Now Mr. B. has not anything to do with my humble story; but I can't +help mentioning him, as I saw him. He sent for his lawyer and his +doctor; the former settled speedily his accounts with the bailiff, +and the latter arranged all his earthly accounts: for after he +went from the spunging-house he never recovered from the shock of +the arrest, and in a few weeks he DIED. And though this +circumstance took place many years ago, I can't forget it to my +dying day; and often see the author of Mr. B.'s death,--a +prosperous gentleman, riding a fine horse in the Park, lounging at +the window of a club; with many friends, no doubt, and a good +reputation. I wonder whether the man sleeps easily and eats with a +good appetite? I wonder whether he has paid Mr. B.'s heirs the sum +which that gentleman paid, and DIED FOR? + +If Mr. B.'s history has nothing to do with mine, and is only +inserted here for the sake of a moral, what business have I to +mention particulars of the dinner to which I was treated by that +gentleman, in the spunging-house in Cursitor Street? Why, for the +moral too; and therefore the public must be told of what really and +truly that dinner consisted. + +There were five guests, and three silver tureens of soup: viz., +mock-turtle soup, ox-tail soup, and giblet soup. Next came a great +piece of salmon, likewise on a silver dish, a roast goose, a roast +saddle of mutton, roast game, and all sorts of adjuncts. In this +way can a gentleman live in a spunging-house if he be inclined; and +over this repast (which, in truth, I could not touch, for, let +alone having dined, my heart was full of care)--over this meal my +friend Gus Hoskins found me, when he received the letter that I had +despatched to him. + +Gus, who had never been in a prison before, and whose heart failed +him as the red-headed young Moses opened and shut for him the +numerous iron outer doors, was struck dumb to see me behind a +bottle of claret, in a room blazing with gilt lamps; the curtains +were down too, and you could not see the bars at the windows; and +Mr. B., Mr. Lock the Brighton officer, Mr. Aminadab, and another +rich gentleman of his trade and religious persuasion, were chirping +as merrily, and looked as respectably, as any noblemen in the land. + +"Have him in," said Mr. B., "if he's a friend of Mr. Titmarsh's; +for, cuss me, I like to see a rogue: and run me through, Titmarsh, +but I think you are one of the best in London. You beat Brough; +you do, by Jove! for he looks like a rogue--anybody would swear to +him; but you! by Jove, you look the very picture of honesty!" + +"A deep file," said Aminadab, winking and pointing me out to his +friend Mr. Jehoshaphat. + +"A good one," says Jehoshaphat. + +"In for three hundred thousand pound," says Aminadab: "Brough's +right-hand man, and only three-and-twenty." + +"Mr. Titmarsh, sir, your 'ealth, sir," says Mr. Lock, in an ecstasy +of admiration. "Your very good 'earth, sir, and better luck to you +next time." + +"Pooh, pooh! HE'S all right," says Aminadab; "let HIM alone." + +"In for WHAT?" shouted I, quite amazed. "Why, sir, you arrested me +for 90L." + +"Yes, but you are in for half a million,--you know you are. THEM +debts I don't count--them paltry tradesmen's accounts. I mean +Brough's business. It's an ugly one; but you'll get through it. +We all know you; and I lay my life that when you come through the +court, Mrs. Titmarsh has got a handsome thing laid by." + +"Mrs. Titmarsh has a small property," says I. "What then?" + +The three gentlemen burst into a loud laugh, said I was a "rum +chap"--a "downy cove," and made other remarks which I could not +understand then; but the meaning of which I have since +comprehended, for they took me to be a great rascal, I am sorry to +say, and supposed that I had robbed the I. W. D. Association, and, +in order to make my money secure, settled it on my wife. + +It was in the midst of this conversation that, as I said, Gus came +in; and whew! when he saw what was going on, he gave SUCH a +whistle! + +"Herr von Joel, by Jove!" says Aminadab. At which all laughed. + +"Sit down," says Mr. B.,--"sit down, and wet your whistle, my +piper! I say, egad! you're the piper that played before Moses! +Had you there, Dab. Dab, get a fresh bottle of Burgundy for Mr. +Hoskins." And before he knew where he was, there was Gus for the +first time in his life drinking Clos-Vougeot. Gus said he had +never tasted Bergamy before, at which the bailiff sneered, and told +him the name of the wine. + +"OLD CLO! What?" says Gus; and we laughed: but the Hebrew gents +did not this time. + +"Come, come, sir!" says Mr. Aminadab's friend, "ve're all +shentlemen here, and shentlemen never makish reflexunsh upon other +gentlemen'sh pershuashunsh." + +After this feast was concluded, Gus and I retired to my room to +consult about my affairs. With regard to the responsibility +incurred as a shareholder in the West Diddlesex, I was not uneasy; +for though the matter might cause me a little trouble at first, I +knew I was not a shareholder; that the shares were scrip shares, +making the dividend payable to the bearer; and my aunt had called +back her shares, and consequently I was free. But it was very +unpleasant to me to consider that I was in debt nearly a hundred +pounds to tradesmen, chiefly of Mrs. Hoggarty's recommendation; and +as she had promised to be answerable for their bills, I determined +to send her a letter reminding her of her promise, and begging her +at the same time to relieve me from Mr. Von Stiltz's debt, for +which I was arrested: and which was incurred not certainly at her +desire, but at Mr. Brough's; and would never have been incurred by +me but at the absolute demand of that gentleman. + +I wrote to her, therefore, begging her to pay all these debts, and +promised myself on Monday morning again to be with my dear wife. +Gus carried off the letter, and promised to deliver it in Bernhard +Street after church-time; taking care that Mary should know nothing +at all of the painful situation in which I was placed. It was near +midnight when we parted, and I tried to sleep as well as I could in +the dirty little sofa-bedstead of Mr. Aminadab's back-parlour. + +That morning was fine and sunshiny, and I heard all the bells +ringing cheerfully for church, and longed to be walking to the +Foundling with my wife: but there were the three iron doors +between me and liberty, and I had nothing for it but to read my +prayers in my own room, and walk up and down afterwards in the +court at the back of the house. Would you believe it? This very +court was like a cage! Great iron bars covered it in from one end +to another; and here it was that Mr. Aminadab's gaol-birds took the +air. + +They had seen me reading out of the prayer-book at the back-parlour +window, and all burst into a yell of laughter when I came to walk +in the cage. One of them shouted out "Amen!" when I appeared; +another called me a muff (which means, in the slang language, a +very silly fellow); a third wondered that I took to my prayer-book +YET. + +"When do you mean, sir?" says I to the fellow--a rough man, a +horse-dealer. + +"Why, when you are going TO BE HANGED, you young hypocrite!" says +the man. "But that is always the way with Brough's people," +continued he. "I had four greys once for him--a great bargain, but +he would not go to look at them at Tattersall's, nor speak a word +of business about them, because it was a Sunday." + +"Because there are hypocrites," sir, says I, "religion is not to be +considered a bad thing; and if Mr. Brough would not deal with you +on a Sunday, he certainly did his duty." + +The men only laughed the more at this rebuke, and evidently +considered me a great criminal. I was glad to be released from +their society by the appearance of Gus and Mr. Smithers. Both wore +very long faces. They were ushered into my room, and, without any +orders of mine, a bottle of wine and biscuits were brought in by +Mr. Aminadab; which I really thought was very kind of him. + +"Drink a glass of wine, Mr. Titmarsh," says Smithers, "and read +this letter. A pretty note was that which you sent to your aunt +this morning, and here you have an answer to it." + +I drank the wine, and trembled rather as I read as follows:- + + +"Sir,--If, because you knew I had desined to leave you my proparty, +you wished to murdar me, and so stepp into it, you are +dissapointed. Your VILLIANY and INGRATITUDE WOULD have murdard me, +had I not, by Heaven's grace, been inabled to look for consalation +ELSEWHERE. + +"For nearly a year I have been a MARTAR to you. I gave up +everything,--my happy home in the country, where all respected the +name of Hoggarty; my valuble furnitur and wines; my plate, glass, +and crockry; I brought all--all to make your home happy and +rispectable. I put up with the AIRS AND IMPERTANENCIES of Mrs. +Titmarsh; I loaded her and you with presents and bennafits. I +sacrafised myself; I gave up the best sociaty in the land, to witch +I have been accustomed, in order to be a gardian and compannion to +you, and prevent, if possible, that WAIST AND IXTRAVYGANCE which I +PROPHYCIED would be your ruin. Such waist and ixtravygance never, +never, never did I see. Buttar waisted as if it had been dirt, +coles flung away, candles burnt AT BOTH ENDS, tea and meat the +same. The butcher's bill in this house was enough to support six +famalies. + +"And now you have the audassaty, being placed in prison justly for +your crimes,--for cheating me of 3,000L., for robbing your mother +of an insignificient summ, which to her, poor thing, was everything +(though she will not feel her loss as I do, being all her life next +door to a beggar), for incurring detts which you cannot pay, +wherein you knew that your miserable income was quite unable to +support your ixtravygance--you come upon me to pay your detts! No, +sir, it is quite enough that your mother should go on the parish, +and that your wife should sweep the streets, to which you have +indeed brought them; I, at least, though cheated by you of a large +summ, and obliged to pass my days in comparative ruin, can retire, +and have some of the comforts to which my rank entitles me. The +furnitur in this house is mine; and as I presume you intend YOUR +LADY to sleep in the streets, I give you warning that I shall +remove it all tomorrow. + +"Mr. Smithers will tell you that I had intended to leave you my +intire fortune. I have this morning, in his presents, solamly toar +up my will; and hereby renounce all connection with you and your +beggarly family. + +"SUSAN HOGGARTY. + +"P.S.--I took a viper into my bosom, AND IT STUNG ME." + + +I confess that, on the first reading of this letter, I was in such +a fury that I forgot almost the painful situation in which it +plunged me, and the ruin hanging over me. + +"What a fool you were, Titmarsh, to write that letter!" said Mr. +Smithers. "You have cut your own throat, sir,--lost a fine +property,--written yourself out of five hundred a year. Mrs. +Hoggarty, my client, brought the will, as she says, downstairs, and +flung it into the fire before our faces." + +"It's a blessing that your wife was from home," added Gus. "She +went to church this morning with Dr. Salt's family, and sent word +that she would spend the day with them. She was always glad to be +away from Mrs. H., you know." + +"She never knew on which side her bread was buttered," said Mr. +Smithers. "You should have taken the lady when she was in the +humour, sir, and have borrowed the money elsewhere. Why, sir, I +had almost reconciled her to her loss in that cursed Company. I +showed her how I had saved out of Brough's claws the whole of her +remaining fortune; which he would have devoured in a day, the +scoundrel! And if you would have left the matter to me, Mr. +Titmarsh, I would have had you reconciled completely to Mrs. +Hoggarty; I would have removed all your difficulties; I would have +lent you the pitiful sum of money myself." + +"Will you?" says Gus; "that's a trump!" and he seized Smithers's +hand, and squeezed it so that the tears came into the attorney's +eyes. + +"Generous fellow!" said I; "lend me money, when you know what a +situation I am in, and not able to pay!" + +"Ay, my good sir, there's the rub!" says Mr. Smithers. "I said I +WOULD have lent the money; and so to the acknowledged heir of Mrs. +Hoggarty I would--would at this moment; for nothing delights the +heart of Bob Smithers more than to do a kindness. I would have +rejoiced in doing it; and a mere acknowledgment from that respected +lady would have amply sufficed. But now, sir, the case is +altered,--you have no security to offer, as you justly observe." + +"Not a whit, certainly." + +"And without security, sir, of course can expect no money--of +course not. You are a man of the world, Mr. Titmarsh, and I see +our notions exactly agree." + +"There's his wife's property," says Gus. + +"Wife's property? Bah! Mrs. Sam Titmarsh is a minor, and can't +touch a shilling of it. No, no, no meddling with minors for me! +But stop!--your mother has a house and shop in our village. Get me +a mortgage of that--" + +"I'll do no such thing, sir," says I. "My mother has suffered +quite enough on my score already, and has my sisters to provide +for; and I will thank you, Mr. Smithers, not to breathe a syllable +to her regarding my present situation." + +"You speak like a man of honour, sir," says Mr. Smithers, "and I +will obey your injunctions to the letter. I will do more, sir. I +will introduce you to a respectable firm here, my worthy friends, +Messrs. Higgs, Biggs, and Blatherwick, who will do everything in +their power to serve you. And so, sir, I wish you a very good +morning." + +And with this Mr. Smithers took his hat and left the room; and +after a further consultation with my aunt, as I heard afterwards, +quitted London that evening by the mail. + +I sent my faithful Gus off once more to break the matter gently to +my wife, fearing lest Mrs. Hoggarty should speak of it abruptly to +her; as I knew in her anger she would do. But he came in an hour +panting back, to say that Mrs. H. had packed and locked her trunks, +and had gone off in a hackney-coach. So, knowing that my poor Mary +was not to return till night, Hoskins remained with me till then; +and, after a dismal day, left me once more at nine, to carry the +dismal tidings to her. + +At ten o'clock on that night there was a great rattling and ringing +at the outer door, and presently my poor girl fell into my arms; +and Gus Hoskins sat blubbering in a corner, as I tried my best to +console her. + +* * * + +The next morning I was favoured with a visit from Mr. Blatherwick; +who, hearing from me that I had only three guineas in my pocket, +told me very plainly that lawyers only lived by fees. He +recommended me to quit Cursitor Street, as living there was very +expensive. And as I was sitting very sad, my wife made her +appearance (it was with great difficulty that she could be brought +to leave me the night previous) - + +"The horrible men came at four this morning," said she; "four hours +before light." + +"What horrible men?" says I. + +"Your aunt's men," said she, "to remove the furniture they had it +all packed before I came away. And I let them carry all," said +she; "I was too sad to look what was ours and what was not. That +odious Mr. Wapshot was with them; and I left him seeing the last +waggon-load from the door. I have only brought away your clothes," +added she, "and a few of mine; and some of the books you used to +like to read; and some--some things I have been getting for the-- +for the baby. The servants' wages were paid up to Christmas; and I +paid them the rest. And see! just as I was going away, the post +came, and brought to me my half-year's income--35L., dear Sam. +Isn't it a blessing?" + +"Will you pay my bill, Mr. What-d'ye-call-'im?" here cried Mr. +Aminadab, flinging open the door (he had been consulting with Mr. +Blatherwick, I suppose). "I want the room for A GENTLEMAN. I +guess it's too dear for the like of you." And here--will you +believe it?--the man handed me a bill of three guineas for two +days' board and lodging in his odious house. + +* * * + +There was a crowd of idlers round the door as I passed out of it, +and had I been alone I should have been ashamed of seeing them; +but, as it was, I was only thinking of my dear dear wife, who was +leaning trustfully on my arm, and smiling like heaven into my face- +-ay, and TOOK heaven, too, into the Fleet prison with me--or an +angel out of heaven. Ah! I had loved her before, and happy it is +to love when one is hopeful and young in the midst of smiles and +sunshine; but be UNhappy, and then see what it is to be loved by a +good woman! I declare before Heaven, that of all the joys and +happy moments it has given me, that was the crowning one--that +little ride, with my wife's cheek on my shoulder, down Holborn to +the prison! Do you think I cared for the bailiff that sat +opposite? No, by the Lord! I kissed her, and hugged her--yes, and +cried with her likewise. But before our ride was over her eyes +dried up, and she stepped blushing and happy out of the coach at +the prison door, as if she were a princess going to the Queen's +Drawing-room. + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +IN WHICH THE HERO'S AUNT'S DIAMOND MAKES ACQUAINTANCE WITH THE +HERO'S UNCLE + +The failure of the great Diddlesex Association speedily became the +theme of all the newspapers, and every person concerned in it was +soon held up to public abhorrence as a rascal and a swindler. It +was said that Brough had gone off with a million of money. Even it +was hinted that poor I had sent a hundred thousand pounds to +America, and only waited to pass through the court in order to be a +rich man for the rest of my days. This opinion had some supporters +in the prison; where, strange to say, it procured me consideration- +-of which, as may be supposed, I was little inclined to avail +myself. Mr. Aminadab, however, in his frequent visits to the +Fleet, persisted in saying that I was a poor-spirited creature, a +mere tool in Brough's hands, and had not saved a shilling. +Opinions, however, differed; and I believe it was considered by the +turnkeys that I was a fellow of exquisite dissimulation, who had +put on the appearance of poverty in order more effectually to +mislead the public. + +Messrs. Abednego and Son were similarly held up to public odium: +and, in fact, what were the exact dealings of these gentlemen with +Mr. Brough I have never been able to learn. It was proved by the +books that large sums of money had been paid to Mr. Abednego by the +Company; but he produced documents signed by Mr. Brough, which made +the latter and the West Diddlesex Association his debtors to a +still further amount. On the day I went to the Bankruptcy Court to +be examined, Mr. Abednego and the two gentlemen from Houndsditch +were present to swear to their debts, and made a sad noise, and +uttered a vast number of oaths in attestation of their claim. But +Messrs. Jackson and Paxton produced against them that very Irish +porter who was said to have been the cause of the fire, and, I am +told, hinted that they had matter for hanging the Jewish gents if +they persisted in their demand. On this they disappeared +altogether, and no more was ever heard of their losses. I am +inclined to believe that our Director had had money from Abednego-- +had given him shares as bonus and security--had been suddenly +obliged to redeem these shares with ready money; and so had +precipitated the ruin of himself and the concern. It is needless +to say here in what a multiplicity of companies Brough was engaged. +That in which poor Mr. Tidd invested his money did not pay 2D. in +the pound; and that was the largest dividend paid by any of them. + +As for ours--ah! there was a pretty scene as I was brought from the +Fleet to the Bankruptcy Court, to give my testimony as late head +clerk and accountant of the West Diddlesex Association. + +My poor wife, then very near her time, insisted upon accompanying +me to Basinghall Street; and so did my friend Gus Hoskins, that +true and honest fellow. If you had seen the crowd that was +assembled, and the hubbub that was made as I was brought up! + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says the Commissioner as I came to the table, with +a peculiar sarcastic accent on the Tit--"Mr. Titmarsh, you were the +confidant of Mr. Brough, the principal clerk of Mr. Brough, and a +considerable shareholder in the Company?" + +"Only a nominal one, sir," said I. + +"Of course, only nominal," continued the Commissioner, turning to +his colleague with a sneer; "and a great comfort it must be to you, +sir, to think that you had a share in all the plun--the profits of +the speculation, and now can free yourself from the losses, by +saying you are only a nominal shareholder." + +"The infernal villain!" shouted out a voice from the crowd. It was +that of the furious half-pay captain and late shareholder, Captain +Sparr. + +"Silence in the court there!" the Commissioner continued: and all +this while Mary was anxiously looking in his face, and then in +mine, as pale as death; while Gus, on the contrary, was as red as +vermilion. "Mr. Titmarsh, I have had the good fortune to see a +list of your debts from the Insolvent Court, and find that you are +indebted to Mr. Stiltz, the great tailor, in a handsome sum; to Mr. +Polonius, the celebrated jeweller, likewise; to fashionable +milliners and dressmakers, moreover;--and all this upon a salary of +200L. per annum. For so young a gentleman it must be confessed you +have employed your time well." + +"Has this anything to do with the question, sir?" says I. "Am I +here to give an account of my private debts, or to speak as to what +I know regarding the affairs of the Company? As for my share in +it, I have a mother, sir, and many sisters--" + +"The d-d scoundrel!" shouts the Captain. + +"Silence that there fellow!" shouts Gus, as bold as brass; at which +the court burst out laughing, and this gave me courage to proceed. + +"My mother, sir, four years since, having a legacy of 400L. left to +her, advised with her solicitor, Mr. Smithers, how she should +dispose of this sum; and as the Independent West Diddlesex was just +then established, the money was placed in an annuity in that +office, where I procured a clerkship. You may suppose me a very +hardened criminal, because I have ordered clothes of Mr. Von +Stiltz; but you will hardly fancy that I, a lad of nineteen, knew +anything of the concerns of the Company into whose service I +entered as twentieth clerk, my own mother's money paying, as it +were, for my place. Well, sir, the interest offered by the Company +was so tempting, that a rich relative of mine was induced to +purchase a number of shares." + +"Who induced your relative, if I may make so bold as to inquire?" + +"I can't help owning, sir," says I, blushing, "that I wrote a +letter myself. But consider, my relative was sixty years old, and +I was twenty-one. My relative took several months to consider, and +had the advice of her lawyers before she acceded to my request. +And I made it at the instigation of Mr. Brough, who dictated the +letter which I wrote, and who I really thought then was as rich as +Mr. Rothschild himself." + +"Your friend placed her money in your name; and you, if I mistake +not, Mr. Titmarsh, were suddenly placed over the heads of twelve of +your fellow-clerks as a reward for your service in obtaining it?" + +"It is very true, sir,"--and, as I confessed it, poor Mary began to +wipe her eyes, and Gus's ears (I could not see his face) looked +like two red-hot muffins--"it's quite true, sir; and, as matters +have turned out, I am heartily sorry for what I did. But at the +time I thought I could serve my aunt as well as myself; and you +must remember, then, how high our shares were." + +"Well, sir, having procured this sum of money, you were straightway +taken into Mr. Brough's confidence. You were received into his +house, and from third clerk speedily became head clerk; in which +post you were found at the disappearance of your worthy patron!" + +"Sir, you have no right to question me, to be sure; but here are a +hundred of our shareholders, and I'm not unwilling to make a clean +breast of it," said I, pressing Mary's hand. "I certainly was the +head clerk. And why? Because the other gents left the office. I +certainly was received into Mr. Brough's house. And why? Because, +sir, my aunt HAD MORE MONEY TO LAY OUT. I see it all clearly now, +though I could not understand it then; and the proof that Mr. +Brough wanted my aunt's money, and not me, is that, when she came +to town, our Director carried her by force out of my house to +Fulham, and never so much as thought of asking me or my wife +thither. Ay, sir, and he would have had her remaining money, had +not her lawyer from the country prevented her disposing of it. +Before the concern finally broke, and as soon as she heard there +was doubt concerning it, she took back her shares--scrip shares +they were, sir, as you know--and has disposed of them as she +thought fit. Here, sir, and gents," says I, "you have the whole of +the history as far as regards me. In order to get her only son a +means of livelihood, my mother placed her little money with the +Company--it is lost. My aunt invested larger sums with it, which +were to have been mine one day, and they are lost too; and here am +I, at the end of four years, a disgraced and ruined man. Is there +anyone present, however much he has suffered by the failure of the +Company, that has had worse fortune through it than I?" + +"Mr. Titmarsh," says Mr. Commissioner, in a much more friendly way, +and at the same time casting a glance at a newspaper reporter that +was sitting hard by, "your story is not likely to get into the +newspapers; for, as you say, it is a private affair, which you had +no need to speak of unless you thought proper, and may be +considered as a confidential conversation between us and the other +gentlemen here. But if it COULD be made public, it might do some +good, and warn people, if they WILL be warned, against the folly of +such enterprises as that in which you have been engaged. It is +quite clear from your story, that you have been deceived as grossly +as anyone of the persons present. But look you, sir, if you had +not been so eager after gain, I think you would not have allowed +yourself to be deceived, and would have kept your relative's money, +and inherited it, according to your story, one day or other. +Directly people expect to make a large interest, their judgment +seems to desert them; and because they wish for profit, they think +they are sure of it, and disregard all warnings and all prudence. +Besides the hundreds of honest families who have been ruined by +merely placing confidence in this Association of yours, and who +deserve the heartiest pity, there are hundreds more who have +embarked in it, like yourself, not for investment, but for +speculation; and these, upon my word, deserve the fate they have +met with. As long as dividends are paid, no questions are asked; +and Mr. Brough might have taken the money for his shareholders on +the high-road, and they would have pocketed it, and not been too +curious. But what's the use of talking?" says Mr. Commissioner, in +a passion: "here is one rogue detected, and a thousand dupes made; +and if another swindler starts to-morrow, there will be a thousand +more of his victims round this table a year hence; and so, I +suppose, to the end. And now let's go to business, gentlemen, and +excuse this sermon." + +After giving an account of all I knew, which was very little, other +gents who were employed in the concern were examined; and I went +back to prison, with my poor little wife on my arm. We had to pass +through the crowd in the rooms, and my heart bled as I saw, amongst +a score of others, poor Gates, Brough's porter, who had advanced +every shilling to his master, and was now, with ten children, +houseless and penniless in his old age. Captain Sparr was in this +neighbourhood, but by no means so friendly disposed; for while +Gates touched his hat, as if I had been a lord, the little Captain +came forward threatening with his bamboo-cane and swearing with +great oaths that I was an accomplice of Brough. "Curse you for a +smooth-faced scoundrel!" says he. "What business have you to ruin +an English gentleman, as you have me?" And again he advanced with +his stick. But this time, officer as he was, Gus took him by the +collar, and shoved him back, and said, "Look at the lady, you +brute, and hold your tongue!" And when he looked at my wife's +situation, Captain Sparr became redder for shame than he had before +been for anger. "I'm sorry she's married to such a good-for- +nothing," muttered he, and fell back; and my poor wife and I walked +out of the court, and back to our dismal room in the prison. + +It was a hard place for a gentle creature like her to be confined +in; and I longed to have some of my relatives with her when her +time should come. But her grandmother could not leave the old +lieutenant; and my mother had written to say that, as Mrs. Hoggarty +was with us, she was quite as well at home with her children. +"What a blessing it is for you, under your misfortunes," continued +the good soul, "to have the generous purse of your aunt for +succour!" Generous purse of my aunt, indeed! Where could Mrs. +Hoggarty be? It was evident that she had not written to any of her +friends in the country, nor gone thither, as she threatened. + +But as my mother had already lost so much money through my +unfortunate luck, and as she had enough to do with her little +pittance to keep my sisters at home; and as, on hearing of my +condition, she would infallibly have sold her last gown to bring me +aid, Mary and I agreed that we would not let her know what our real +condition was--bad enough! Heaven knows, and sad and cheerless. +Old Lieutenant Smith had likewise nothing but his half-pay and his +rheumatism; so we were, in fact, quite friendless. + +That period of my life, and that horrible prison, seem to me like +recollections of some fever. What an awful place!--not for the +sadness, strangely enough, as I thought, but for the gaiety of it; +for the long prison galleries were, I remember, full of life and a +sort of grave bustle. All day and all night doors were clapping to +and fro; and you heard loud voices, oaths, footsteps, and laughter. +Next door to our room was one where a man sold gin, under the name +of TAPE; and here, from morning till night, the people kept up a +horrible revelry;--and sang--sad songs some of them: but my dear +little girl was, thank God! unable to understand the most part of +their ribaldry. She never used to go out till nightfall; and all +day she sat working at a little store of caps and dresses for the +expected stranger--and not, she says to this day, unhappy. But the +confinement sickened her, who had been used to happy country air, +and she grew daily paler and paler. + +The Fives Court was opposite our window; and here I used, very +unwillingly at first, but afterwards, I do confess, with much +eagerness, to take a couple of hours' daily sport. Ah! it was a +strange place. There was an aristocracy there as elsewhere,-- +amongst other gents, a son of my Lord Deuce-ace; and many of the +men in the prison were as eager to walk with him, and talked of his +family as knowingly, as if they were Bond Street bucks. Poor Tidd, +especially, was one of these. Of all his fortune he had nothing +left but a dressing-case and a flowered dressing-gown; and to these +possessions he added a fine pair of moustaches, with which the poor +creature strutted about; and though cursing his ill fortune, was, I +do believe, as happy whenever his friends brought him a guinea, as +he had been during his brief career as a gentleman on town. I have +seen sauntering dandies in watering-places ogling the women, +watching eagerly for steamboats and stage-coaches as if their lives +depended upon them, and strutting all day in jackets up and down +the public walks. Well, there are such fellows in prison: quite +as dandified and foolish, only a little more shabby--dandies with +dirty beards and holes at their elbows. + +I did not go near what is called the poor side of the prison--I +DARED not, that was the fact. But our little stock of money was +running low; and my heart sickened to think what might be my dear +wife's fate, and on what sort of a couch our child might be born. +But Heaven spared me that pang,--Heaven, and my dear good friend, +Gus Hoskins. + +The attorneys to whom Mr. Smithers recommended me, told me that I +could get leave to live in the rules of the Fleet, could I procure +sureties to the marshal of the prison for the amount of the +detainer lodged against me; but though I looked Mr. Blatherwick +hard in the face, he never offered to give the bail for me, and I +knew no housekeeper in London who would procure it. There was, +however, one whom I did not know,--and that was old Mr. Hoskins, +the leatherseller of Skinner Street, a kind fat gentleman, who +brought his fat wife to see Mrs. Titmarsh; and though the lady gave +herself rather patronising airs (her husband being free of the +Skinners' Company, and bidding fair to be Alderman, nay, Lord Mayor +of the first city in the world), she seemed heartily to sympathise +with us; and her husband stirred and bustled about until the +requisite leave was obtained, and I was allowed comparative +liberty. + +As for lodgings, they were soon had. My old landlady, Mrs. Stokes, +sent her Jemima to say that her first floor was at our service; and +when we had taken possession of it, and I offered at the end of the +week to pay her bill, the good soul, with tears in her eyes, told +me that she did not want for money now, and that she knew I had +enough to do with what I had. I did not refuse her kindness; for, +indeed, I had but five guineas left, and ought not by rights to +have thought of such expensive apartments as hers; but my wife's +time was very near, and I could not bear to think that she should +want for any comfort in her lying-in. + +The admirable woman, with whom the Misses Hoskins came every day to +keep company--and very nice, kind ladies they are--recovered her +health a good deal, now she was out of the odious prison and was +enabled to take exercise. How gaily did we pace up and down Bridge +Street and Chatham Place, to be sure! and yet, in truth, I was a +beggar, and felt sometimes ashamed of being so happy. + +With regard to the liabilities of the Company my mind was now made +quite easy; for the creditors could only come upon our directors, +and these it was rather difficult to find. Mr. Brough was across +the water; and I must say, to the credit of that gentleman, that +while everybody thought he had run away with hundreds of thousands +of pounds, he was in a garret at Boulogne, with scarce a shilling +in his pocket, and his fortune to make afresh. Mrs. Brough, like a +good brave woman, remained faithful to him, and only left Fulham +with the gown on her back; and Miss Belinda, though grumbling and +sadly out of temper, was no better off. For the other directors,-- +when they came to inquire at Edinburgh for Mr. Mull, W. S., it +appeared there WAS a gentleman of that name, who had practised in +Edinburgh with good reputation until 1800, since when he had +retired to the Isle of Skye; and on being applied to, knew no more +of the West Diddlesex Association than Queen Anne did. General Sir +Dionysius O'Halloran had abruptly quitted Dublin, and returned to +the republic of Guatemala. Mr. Shirk went into the Gazette. Mr. +Macraw, M.P. and King's Counsel, had not a single guinea in the +world but what he received for attending our board; and the only +man seizable was Mr. Manstraw, a wealthy navy contractor, as we +understood, at Chatham. He turned out to be a small dealer in +marine stores, and his whole stock in trade was not worth 10L. Mr. +Abednego was the other director, and we have already seen what +became of HIM. + +"Why, as there is no danger from the West Diddlesex," suggested Mr. +Hoskins, senior, "should you not now endeavour to make an +arrangement with your creditors; and who can make a better bargain +with them than pretty Mrs. Titmarsh here, whose sweet eyes would +soften the hardest-hearted tailor or milliner that ever lived?" + +Accordingly my dear girl, one bright day in February, shook me by +the hand, and bidding me be of good cheer, set forth with Gus in a +coach, to pay a visit to those persons. Little did I think a year +before, that the daughter of the gallant Smith should ever be +compelled to be a suppliant to tailors and haberdashers; but SHE, +Heaven bless her! felt none of the shame which oppressed me--or +SAID she felt none--and went away, nothing doubting, on her errand. + +In the evening she came back, and my heart thumped to know the +news. I saw it was bad by her face. For some time she did not +speak, but looked as pale as death, and wept as she kissed me. +"YOU speak, Mr. Augustus," at last said she, sobbing; and so Gus +told me the circumstances of that dismal day. + +"What do you think, Sam?" says he; "that infernal aunt of yours, at +whose command you had the things, has written to the tradesmen to +say that you are a swindler and impostor; that you give out that +SHE ordered the goods; that she is ready to drop down dead, and to +take her bible-oath she never did any such thing, and that they +must look to you alone for payment. Not one of them would hear of +letting you out; and as for Mantalini, the scoundrel was so +insolent that I gave him a box on the ear, and would have half- +killed him, only poor Mary--Mrs. Titmarsh I mean--screamed and +fainted: and I brought her away, and here she is, as ill as can +be." + +That night, the indefatigable Gus was obliged to run post-haste for +Doctor Salts, and next morning a little boy was born. I did not +know whether to be sad or happy, as they showed me the little +weakly thing; but Mary was the happiest woman, she declared, in the +world, and forgot all her sorrows in nursing the poor baby; she +went bravely through her time, and vowed that it was the loveliest +child in the world; and that though Lady Tiptoff, whose confinement +we read of as having taken place the same day, might have a silk +bed and a fine house in Grosvenor Square, she never never could +have such a beautiful child as our dear little Gus: for after whom +should we have named the boy, if not after our good kind friend? +We had a little party at the christening, and I assure you were +very merry over our tea. + +The mother, thank Heaven! was very well, and it did one's heart +good to see her in that attitude in which I think every woman, be +she ever so plain, looks beautiful--with her baby at her bosom. +The child was sickly, but she did not see it; we were very poor, +but what cared she? She had no leisure to be sorrowful as I was: +I had my last guinea now in my pocket; and when THAT was gone--ah! +my heart sickened to think of what was to come, and I prayed for +strength and guidance, and in the midst of my perplexities felt yet +thankful that the danger of the confinement was over; and that for +the worst fortune which was to befall us, my dear wife was at least +prepared, and strong in health. + +I told Mrs. Stokes that she must let us have a cheaper room--a +garret that should cost but a few shillings; and though the good +woman bade me remain in the apartments we occupied, yet, now that +my wife was well, I felt it would be a crime to deprive my kind +landlady of her chief means of livelihood; and at length she +promised to get me a garret as I wanted, and to make it as +comfortable as might be; and little Jemima declared that she would +be glad beyond measure to wait on the mother and the child. + +The room, then, was made ready; and though I took some pains not to +speak of the arrangement too suddenly to Mary, yet there was no +need of disguise or hesitation; for when at last I told her--"Is +that all?" said she, and took my hand with one of her blessed +smiles, and vowed that she and Jemima would keep the room as pretty +and neat as possible. "And I will cook your dinners," added she; +"for you know you said I make the best roly-poly puddings in the +world." God bless her! I do think some women almost love poverty: +but I did not tell Mary how poor I was, nor had she any idea how +lawyers', and prison's, and doctors' fees had diminished the sum of +money which she brought me when we came to the Fleet. + +It was not, however, destined that she and her child should inhabit +that little garret. We were to leave our lodgings on Monday +morning; but on Saturday evening the child was seized with +convulsions, and all Sunday the mother watched and prayed for it: +but it pleased God to take the innocent infant from us, and on +Sunday, at midnight, it lay a corpse in its mother's bosom. Amen. +We have other children, happy and well, now round about us, and +from the father's heart the memory of this little thing has almost +faded; but I do believe that every day of her life the mother +thinks of the firstborn that was with her for so short a while: +many and many a time has she taken her daughters to the grave, in +Saint Bride's, where he lies buried; and she wears still at her +neck a little little lock of gold hair, which she took from the +head of the infant as he lay smiling in his coffin. It has +happened to me to forget the child's birthday, but to her never; +and often in the midst of common talk comes something that shows +she is thinking of the child still,--some simple allusion that is +to me inexpressibly affecting. + +I shall not try to describe her grief, for such things are sacred +and secret; and a man has no business to place them on paper for +all the world to read. Nor should I have mentioned the child's +loss at all, but that even that loss was the means of a great +worldly blessing to us; as my wife has often with tears and thanks +acknowledged. + +While my wife was weeping over her child, I am ashamed to say I was +distracted with other feelings besides those of grief for its loss; +and I have often since thought what a master--nay, destroyer--of +the affections want is, and have learned from experience to be +thankful for DAILY BREAD. That acknowledgment of weakness which we +make in imploring to be relieved from hunger and from temptation, +is surely wisely put in our daily prayer. Think of it you who are +rich, and take heed how you turn a beggar away. + +The child lay there in its wicker cradle, with its sweet fixed +smile in its face (I think the angels in heaven must have been glad +to welcome that pretty innocent smile); and it was only the next +day, after my wife had gone to lie down, and I sat keeping watch by +it, that I remembered the condition of its parents, and thought, I +can't tell with what a pang, that I had not money left to bury the +little thing, and wept bitter tears of despair. Now, at last, I +thought I must apply to my poor mother, for this was a sacred +necessity; and I took paper, and wrote her a letter at the baby's +side, and told her of our condition. But, thank Heaven! I never +sent the letter; for as I went to the desk to get sealing-wax and +seal that dismal letter, my eyes fell upon the diamond pin that I +had quite forgotten, and that was lying in the drawer of the desk. + +I looked into the bedroom,--my poor wife was asleep; she had been +watching for three nights and days, and had fallen asleep from +sheer fatigue; and I ran out to a pawnbroker's with the diamond, +and received seven guineas for it, and coming back put the money +into the landlady's hand, and told her to get what was needful. My +wife was still asleep when I came back; and when she woke, we +persuaded her to go downstairs to the landlady's parlour; and +meanwhile the necessary preparations were made, and the poor child +consigned to its coffin. + +The next day, after all was over, Mrs. Stokes gave me back three +out of the seven guineas; and then I could not help sobbing out to +her my doubts and wretchedness, telling her that this was the last +money I had; and when that was gone I knew not what was to become +of the best wife that ever a man was blest with. + +My wife was downstairs with the woman. Poor Gus, who was with me, +and quite as much affected as any of the party, took me by the arm, +and led me downstairs; and we quite forgot all about the prison and +the rules, and walked a long long way across Blackfriars Bridge, +the kind fellow striving as much as possible to console me. + +When we came back, it was in the evening. The first person who met +me in the house was my kind mother, who fell into my arms with many +tears, and who rebuked me tenderly for not having told her of my +necessities. She never should have known of them, she said; but +she had not heard from me since I wrote announcing the birth of the +child, and she felt uneasy about my silence; and meeting Mr. +Smithers in the street, asked from him news concerning me: +whereupon that gentleman, with some little show of alarm, told her +that he thought her daughter-in-law was confined in an +uncomfortable place; that Mrs. Hoggarty had left us; finally, that +I was in prison. This news at once despatched my poor mother on +her travels, and she had only just come from the prison, where she +learned my address. + +I asked her whether she had seen my wife, and how she found her. +Rather to my amaze she said that Mary was out with the landlady +when she arrived; and eight--nine o'clock came, and she was absent +still. + +At ten o'clock returned--not my wife, but Mrs. Stokes, and with her +a gentleman, who shook hands with me on coming into the room, and +said, "Mr. Titmarsh! I don't know whether you will remember me: +my name is Tiptoff. I have brought you a note from Mrs. Titmarsh, +and a message from my wife, who sincerely commiserates your loss, +and begs you will not be uneasy at Mrs. Titmarsh's absence. She +has been good enough to promise to pass the night with Lady +Tiptoff; and I am sure you will not object to her being away from +you, while she is giving happiness to a sick mother and a sick +child." After a few more words, my Lord left us. My wife's note +only said that Mrs. Stokes would tell me all. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + + +IN WHICH IT IS SHOWN THAT A GOOD WIFE IS THE BEST DIAMOND A MAN CAN +WEAR IN HIS BOSOM + +"Mrs. Titmarsh, ma'am," says Mrs. Stokes, "before I gratify your +curiosity, ma'am, permit me to observe that angels is scarce; and +it's rare to have one, much more two, in a family. Both your son +and your daughter-in-law, ma'am, are of that uncommon sort; they +are, now, reely, ma'am." + +My mother said she thanked God for both of us; and Mrs. Stokes +proceeded:- + +"When the fu- when the seminary, ma'am, was concluded this morning, +your poor daughter-in-law was glad to take shelter in my humble +parlour, ma'am; where she wept, and told a thousand stories of the +little cherub that's gone. Heaven bless us! it was here but a +month, and no one could have thought it could have done such a many +things in that time. But a mother's eyes are clear, ma'am; and I +had just such another angel, my dear little Antony, that was born +before Jemima, and would have been twenty-three now were he in this +wicked world, ma'am. However, I won't speak of him, ma'am, but of +what took place. + +"You must know, ma'am, that Mrs. Titmarsh remained downstairs while +Mr. Samuel was talking with his friend Mr. Hoskins; and the poor +thing would not touch a bit of dinner, though we had it made +comfortable; and after dinner, it was with difficulty I could get +her to sup a little drop of wine-and-water, and dip a toast in it. +It was the first morsel that had passed her lips for many a long +hour, ma'am. + +"Well, she would not speak, and I thought it best not to interrupt +her; but she sat and looked at my two youngest that were playing on +the rug; and just as Mr. Titmarsh and his friend Gus went out, the +boy brought the newspaper, ma'am, -it always comes from three to +four, and I began a-reading of it. But I couldn't read much, for +thinking of poor Mr. Sam's sad face as he went out, and the sad +story he told me about his money being so low; and every now and +then I stopped reading, and bade Mrs. T. not to take on so; and +told her some stories about my dear little Antony. + +"'Ah!' says she, sobbing, and looking at the young ones, 'you have +other children, Mrs. Stokes; but that--that was my only one;' and +she flung back in her chair, and cried fit to break her heart: and +I knew that the cry would do her good, and so went back to my +paper--the Morning Post, ma'am; I always read it, for I like to +know what's a-going on in the West End. + +"The very first thing that my eyes lighted upon was this:- 'Wanted, +immediately, a respectable person as wet-nurse. Apply at No. -, +Grosvenor Square.' 'Bless us and save us!' says I, 'here's poor +Lady Tiptoff ill;' for I knew her Ladyship's address, and how she +was confined on the very same day with Mrs. T.: and, for the +matter of that, her Ladyship knows my address, having visited here. + +"A sudden thought came over me. 'My dear Mrs. Titmarsh,' said I, +'you know how poor and how good your husband is?' + +"'Yes,' says she, rather surprised. + +"'Well, my dear,' says I, looking her hard in the face, 'Lady +Tiptoff, who knows him, wants a nurse for her son, Lord Poynings. +Will you be a brave woman, and look for the place, and mayhap +replace the little one that God has taken from you?' + +"She began to tremble and blush; and then I told her what you, Mr. +Sam, had told me the other day about your money matters; and no +sooner did she hear it than she sprung to her bonnet, and said, +'Come, come:' and in five minutes she had me by the arm, and we +walked together to Grosvenor Square. The air did her no harm, Mr. +Sam, and during the whole of the walk she never cried but once, and +then it was at seeing a nursery-maid in the Square. + +"A great fellow in livery opens the door, and says, 'You're the +forty-fifth as come about this 'ere place; but, fust, let me ask +you a preliminary question. Are you a Hirishwoman?' + +"'No, sir,' says Mrs. T. + +"'That suffishnt, mem,' says the gentleman in plush; 'I see you're +not by your axnt. Step this way, ladies, if you please. You'll +find some more candidix for the place upstairs; but I sent away +forty-four happlicants, because they WAS Hirish.' + +"We were taken upstairs over very soft carpets, and brought into a +room, and told by an old lady who was there to speak very softly, +for my Lady was only two rooms off. And when I asked how the baby +and her Ladyship were, the old lady told me both were pretty well: +only the doctor said Lady Tiptoff was too delicate to nurse any +longer; and so it was considered necessary to have a wet-nurse. + +"There was another young woman in the room--a tall fine woman as +ever you saw--that looked very angry and contempshious at Mrs. T. +and me, and said, 'I've brought a letter from the duchess whose +daughter I nust; and I think, Mrs. Blenkinsop, mem, my Lady Tiptoff +may look far before she finds such another nuss as me. Five feet +six high, had the small-pox, married to a corporal in the +Lifeguards, perfectly healthy, best of charactiers, only drink +water; and as for the child, ma'am, if her Ladyship had six, I've a +plenty for them all.' + +"As the woman was making this speech, a little gentleman in black +came in from the next room, treading as if on velvet. The woman +got up, and made him a low curtsey, and folding her arms on her +great broad chest, repeated the speech she had made before. Mrs. +T. did not get up from her chair, but only made a sort of a bow; +which, to be sure, I thought was ill manners, as this gentleman was +evidently the apothecary. He looked hard at her and said, 'Well, +my good woman, and are you come about the place too?' + +"'Yes, sir,' says she, blushing. + +"'You seem very delicate. How old is your child? How many have +you had? What character have you?' + +"Your wife didn't answer a word; so I stepped up, and said, 'Sir,' +says I, 'this lady has just lost her first child, and isn't used to +look for places, being the daughter of a captain in the navy; so +you'll excuse her want of manners in not getting up when you came +in.' + +"The doctor at this sat down and began talking very kindly to her; +he said he was afraid that her application would be unsuccessful, +as Mrs. Horner came very strongly recommended from the Duchess of +Doncaster, whose relative Lady Tiptoff was; and presently my Lady +appeared, looking very pretty, ma'am, in an elegant lace-cap and a +sweet muslin robe-de-sham. + +"A nurse came out of her Ladyship's room with her; and while my +Lady was talking to us, walked up and down in the next room with +something in her arms. + +"First, my Lady spoke to Mrs. Horner, and then to Mrs. T.; but all +the while she was talking, Mrs. Titmarsh, rather rudely, as I +thought, ma'am, was looking into the next room: looking--looking +at the baby there with all her might. My Lady asked her her name, +and if she had any character; and as she did not speak, I spoke up +for her, and said she was the wife of one of the best men in the +world; that her Ladyship knew the gentleman, too, and had brought +him a haunch of venison. Then Lady Tiptoff looked up quite +astonished, and I told the whole story: how you had been head +clerk, and that rascal, Brough, had brought you to ruin. 'Poor +thing!' said my Lady: Mrs. Titmarsh did not speak, but still kept +looking at the baby; and the great big grenadier of a Mrs. Horner +looked angrily at her. + +"'Poor thing!' says my Lady, taking Mrs. T.'s hand very kind, 'she +seems very young. How old are you, my dear?' + +"'Five weeks and two days!' says your wife, sobbing. + +"Mrs. Horner burst into a laugh; but there was a tear in my Lady's +eyes, for she knew what the poor thing was a-thinking of. + +"'Silence, woman!' says she angrily to the great grenadier woman; +and at this moment the child in the next room began crying. + +"As soon as your wife heard the noise, she sprung from her chair +and made a stop forward, and put both her hands to her breast and +said, 'The child--the child--give it me!' and then began to cry +again. + +"My Lady looked at her for a moment, and then ran into the next +room and brought her the baby; and the baby clung to her as if he +knew her: and a pretty sight it was to see that dear woman with +the child at her bosom. + +"When my Lady saw it, what do you think she did? After looking on +it for a bit, she put her arms round your wife's neck and kissed +her. + +"'My dear,' said she, 'I am sure you are as good as you are pretty, +and you shall keep the child: and I thank God for sending you to +me!' + +"These were her very words; and Dr. Bland, who was standing by, +says, 'It's a second judgment of Solomon!' + +"'I suppose, my Lady, you don't want ME?' says the big woman, with +another curtsey. + +"'Not in the least!' answers my Lady, haughtily, and the grenadier +left the room: and then I told all your story at full length, and +Mrs. Blenkinsop kept me to tea, and I saw the beautiful room that +Mrs. Titmarsh is to have next to Lady Tiptoff's; and when my Lord +came home, what does he do but insist upon coming back with me here +in a hackney-coach, as he said he must apologise to you for keeping +your wife away." + +I could not help, in my own mind, connecting this strange event +which, in the midst of our sorrow, came to console us, and in our +poverty to give us bread,--I could not help connecting it with the +DIAMOND PIN, and fancying that the disappearance of that ornament +had somehow brought a different and a better sort of luck into my +family. And though some gents who read this, may call me a poor- +spirited fellow for allowing my wife to go out to service, who was +bred a lady and ought to have servants herself: yet, for my part, +I confess I did not feel one minute's scruple or mortification on +the subject. If you love a person, is it not a pleasure to feel +obliged to him? And this, in consequence, I felt. I was proud and +happy at being able to think that my dear wife should be able to +labour and earn bread for me, now misfortune had put it out of my +power to support me and her. And now, instead of making any +reflections of my own upon prison discipline, I will recommend the +reader to consult that admirable chapter in the Life of Mr. +Pickwick in which the same theme is handled, and which shows how +silly it is to deprive honest men of the means of labour just at +the moment when they most want it. What could I do? There were +one or two gents in the prison who could work (literary gents,--one +wrote his "Travels in Mesopotamia," and the other his "Sketches at +Almack's," in the place); but all the occupation I could find was +walking down Bridge Street, and then up Bridge Street, and staring +at Alderman Waithman's windows, and then at the black man who swept +the crossing. I never gave him anything; but I envied him his +trade and his broom, and the money that continually fell into his +old hat. But I was not allowed even to carry a broom. + +Twice or thrice--for Lady Tiptoff did not wish her little boy often +to breathe the air of such a close place as Salisbury Square--my +dear Mary came in the thundering carriage to see me. They were +merry meetings; and--if the truth must be told--twice, when nobody +was by, I jumped into the carriage and had a drive with her; and +when I had seen her home, jumped into another hackney-coach and +drove back. But this was only twice; for the system was dangerous, +and it might bring me into trouble, and it cost three shillings +from Grosvenor Square to Ludgate Hill. + +Here, meanwhile, my good mother kept me company; and what should we +read of one day but the marriage of Mrs. Hoggarty and the Rev. +Grimes Wapshot! My mother, who never loved Mrs. H., now said that +she should repent all her life having allowed me to spend so much +of my time with that odious ungrateful woman; and added that she +and I too were justly punished for worshipping the mammon of +unrighteousness and forgetting our natural feelings for the sake of +my aunt's paltry lucre. "Well, Amen!" said I. "This is the end of +all our fine schemes! My aunt's money and my aunt's diamond were +the causes of my ruin, and now they are clear gone, thank Heaven! +and I hope the old lady will be happy; and I must say I don't envy +the Rev. Grimes Wapshot." So we put Mrs. Hoggarty out of our +thoughts, and made ourselves as comfortable as might be. + +Rich and great people are slower in making Christians of their +children than we poor ones, and little Lord Poynings was not +christened until the month of June. A duke was one godfather, and +Mr. Edmund Preston, the State Secretary, another; and that kind +Lady Jane Preston, whom I have before spoken of, was the godmother +to her nephew. She had not long been made acquainted with my +wife's history; and both she and her sister loved her heartily and +were very kind to her. Indeed, there was not a single soul in the +house, high or low, but was fond of that good sweet creature; and +the very footmen were as ready to serve her as they were their own +mistress. + +"I tell you what, sir," says one of them. "You see, Tit my boy, +I'm a connyshure, and up to snough; and if ever I see a lady in my +life, Mrs. Titmarsh is one. I can't be fimiliar with her--I've +tried--" + +"Have you, sir?" said I. + +"Don't look so indignant! I can't, I say, be fimiliar with her as +I am with you. There's a somethink in her, a jenny-squaw, that +haws me, sir! and even my Lord's own man, that 'as 'ad as much +success as any gentleman in Europe--he says that, cuss him--" + +"Mr. Charles," says I, "tell my Lord's own man that, if he wants to +keep his place and his whole skin, he will never address a single +word to that lady but such as a servant should utter in the +presence of his mistress; and take notice that I am a gentleman, +though a poor one, and will murder the first man who does her +wrong!" + +Mr. Charles only said "Gammin!" to this: but psha! in bragging +about my own spirit, I forgot to say what great good fortune my +dear wife's conduct procured for me. + +On the christening-day, Mr. Preston offered her first a five, and +then a twenty-pound note; but she declined either; but she did not +decline a present that the two ladies made her together, and this +was no other than MY RELEASE FROM THE FLEET. Lord Tiptoff's lawyer +paid every one of the bills against me, and that happy christening- +day made me a free man. Ah! who shall tell the pleasure of that +day, or the merry dinner we had in Mary's room at Lord Tiptoff's +house, when my Lord and my Lady came upstairs to shake hands with +me! + +"I have been speaking to Mr. Preston," says my Lord, "the gentleman +with whom you had the memorable quarrel, and he has forgiven it, +although he was in the wrong, and promises to do something for you. +We are going down, meanwhile, to his house at Richmond; and be +sure, Mr. Titmarsh, I will not fail to keep you in his mind." + +"MRS. Titmarsh will do that," says my Lady; "for Edmund is woefully +smitten with her!" And Mary blushed, and I laughed, and we were +all very happy: and sure enough there came from Richmond a letter +to me, stating that I was appointed fourth clerk in the Tape and +Sealing-wax Office, with a salary of 80L. per annum. + +Here perhaps my story ought to stop; for I was happy at last, and +have never since, thank Heaven! known want: but Gus insists that I +should add how I gave up the place in the Tape and Sealing-wax +Office, and for what reason. That excellent Lady Jane Preston is +long gone, and so is Mr. P- off in an apoplexy, and there is no +harm now in telling the story. + +The fact was, that Mr. Preston had fallen in love with Mary in a +much more serious way than any of us imagined; for I do believe he +invited his brother-in-law to Richmond for no other purpose than to +pay court to his son's nurse. And one day, as I was coming post- +haste to thank him for the place he had procured for me, being +directed by Mr. Charles to the "scrubbery," as he called it, which +led down to the river--there, sure enough, I found Mr. Preston, on +his knees too, on the gravel-walk, and before him Mary, holding the +little lord. + +"Dearest creature!" says Mr. Preston, "do but listen to me, and +I'll make your husband consul at Timbuctoo! He shall never know of +it, I tell you: he CAN never know of it. I pledge you my word as +a Cabinet Minister! Oh, don't look at me in that arch way: by +heavens, your eyes kill me!" + +Mary, when she saw me, burst out laughing, and ran down the lawn; +my Lord making a huge crowing, too, and holding out his little fat +hands. Mr. Preston, who was a heavy man, was slowly getting up, +when, catching a sight of me looking as fierce as the crater of +Mount Etna,--he gave a start back and lost his footing, and rolled +over and over, walloping into the water at the garden's edge. It +was not deep, and he came bubbling and snorting out again in as +much fright as fury. + +"You d-d ungrateful villain!" says he, "what do you stand there +laughing for?" + +"I'm waiting your orders for Timbuctoo, sir," says I, and laughed +fit to die; and so did my Lord Tiptoff and his party, who joined us +on the lawn: and Jeames the footman came forward and helped Mr. +Preston out of the water. + +"Oh, you old sinner!" says my Lord, as his brother-in-law came up +the slope. "Will that heart of yours be always so susceptible, you +romantic, apoplectic, immoral man?" + +Mr. Preston went away, looking blue with rage, and ill-treated his +wife for a whole month afterwards. + +"At any rate," says my Lord, "Titmarsh here has got a place through +our friend's unhappy attachment; and Mrs. Titmarsh has only laughed +at him, so there is no harm there. It's an ill wind that blows +nobody good, you know." + +"Such a wind as that, my Lord, with due respect to you, shall never +do good to me. I have learned in the past few years what it is to +make friends with the mammon of unrighteousness; and that out of +such friendship no good comes in the end to honest men. It shall +never be said that Sam Titmarsh got a place because a great man was +in love with his wife; and were the situation ten times as +valuable, I should blush every day I entered the office-doors in +thinking of the base means by which my fortune was made. You have +made me free, my Lord; and, thank God! I am willing to work. I can +easily get a clerkship with the assistance of my friends; and with +that and my wife's income, we can manage honestly to face the +world." + +This rather long speech I made with some animation; for, look you, +I was not over well pleased that his Lordship should think me +capable of speculating in any way on my wife's beauty. + +My Lord at first turned red, and looked rather angry; but at last +he held out his hand and said, "You are right, Titmarsh, and I am +wrong; and let me tell you in confidence, that I think you are a +very honest fellow. You shan't lose by your honesty, I promise +you." + +Nor did I: for I am at this present moment Lord Tiptoff's steward +and right-hand man: and am I not a happy father? and is not my +wife loved and respected by all the country? and is not Gus Hoskins +my brother-in-law, partner with his excellent father in the leather +way, and the delight of all his nephews and nieces for his tricks +and fun? + +As for Mr. Brough, that gentleman's history would fill a volume of +itself. Since he vanished from the London world, he has become +celebrated on the Continent, where he has acted a thousand parts, +and met all sorts of changes of high and low fortune. One thing we +may at least admire in the man, and that is, his undaunted courage; +and I can't help thinking, as I have said before, that there must +be some good in him, seeing the way in which his family are +faithful to him. With respect to Roundhand, I had best also speak +tenderly. The case of Roundhand v. Tidd is still in the memory of +the public; nor can I ever understand how Bill Tidd, so poetic as +he was, could ever take on with such a fat, odious, vulgar woman as +Mrs. R., who was old enough to be his mother. + +As soon as we were in prosperity, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes Wapshot made +overtures to be reconciled to us; and Mr. Wapshot laid bare to me +all the baseness of Mr. Smithers's conduct in the Brough +transaction. Smithers had also endeavoured to pay his court to me, +once when I went down to Somersetshire; but I cut his pretensions +short, as I have shown. "He it was," said Mr. Wapshot, "who +induced Mrs. Grimes (Mrs. Hoggarty she was then) to purchase the +West Diddlesex shares: receiving, of course, a large bonus for +himself. But directly he found that Mrs. Hoggarty had fallen into +the hands of Mr. Brough, and that he should lose the income he made +from the lawsuits with her tenants and from the management of her +landed property, he determined to rescue her from that villain +Brough, and came to town for the purpose. He also," added Mr. +Wapshot, "vented his malignant slander against me; but Heaven was +pleased to frustrate his base schemes. In the proceedings +consequent on Brough's bankruptcy, Mr. Smithers could not appear; +for his own share in the transactions of the Company would have +been most certainly shown up. During his absence from London, I +became the husband--the happy husband--of your aunt. But though, +my dear sir, I have been the means of bringing her to grace, I +cannot disguise from you that Mrs. W. has faults which all my +pastoral care has not enabled me to eradicate. She is close of her +money, sir--very close; nor can I make that charitable use of her +property which, as a clergyman, I ought to do; for she has tied up +every shilling of it, and only allows me half-a-crown a week for +pocket-money. In temper, too, she is very violent. During the +first years of our union, I strove with her; yea, I chastised her; +but her perseverance, I must confess, got the better of me. I make +no more remonstrances, but am as a lamb in her hands, and she leads +me whithersoever she pleases." + +Mr. Wapshot concluded his tale by borrowing half-a-crown from me +(it was at the Somerset Coffee-house in the Strand, where he came, +in the year 1832, to wait upon me), and I saw him go from thence +into the gin-shop opposite, and come out of the gin-shop half-an- +hour afterwards, reeling across the streets, and perfectly +intoxicated. + +He died next year: when his widow, who called herself Mrs. +Hoggarty-Grimes-Wapshot, of Castle Hoggarty, said that over the +grave of her saint all earthly resentments were forgotten, and +proposed to come and live with us; paying us, of course, a handsome +remuneration. But this offer my wife and I respectfully declined; +and once more she altered her will, which once more she had made in +our favour; called us ungrateful wretches and pampered menials, and +left all her property to the Irish Hoggarties. But seeing my wife +one day in a carriage with Lady Tiptoff, and hearing that we had +been at the great ball at Tiptoff Castle, and that I had grown to +be a rich man, she changed her mind again, sent for me on her +death-bed, and left me the farms of Slopperton and Squashtail, with +all her savings for fifteen years. Peace be to her soul! for +certainly she left me a very pretty property. + +Though I am no literary man myself, my cousin Michael (who +generally, when he is short of coin, comes down and passes a few +months with us) says that my Memoirs may be of some use to the +public (meaning, I suspect, to himself); and if so, I am glad to +serve him and them, and hereby take farewell: bidding all gents +who peruse this, to be cautious of their money, if they have it; to +be still more cautious of their friends' money; to remember that +great profits imply great risks; and that the great shrewd +capitalists of this country would not be content with four per +cent. for their money, if they could securely get more: above all, +I entreat them never to embark in any speculation, of which the +conduct is not perfectly clear to them, and of which the agents are +not perfectly open and loyal. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext The Great Hoggarty Diamond, by Thackeray + diff --git a/old/gthgd10.zip b/old/gthgd10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7e8ec18 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gthgd10.zip |