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diff --git a/old/1drll10.txt b/old/1drll10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..1059807 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1drll10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6363 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext Droll Stories, V. 1, by Honore de Balzac +#82 in our series by Honore de Balzac + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Etext prepared by Ian Hodgson, hodgson_ian@msn.com +and Dagny, dagnyj@hotmail.com + + + + + +DROLL STORIES +COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE +Volume I: THE FIRST TEN TALES + +by HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + +CONTENTS + +TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE + +THE FIRST TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +THE FAIR IMPERIA +THE VENIAL SIN + HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE + HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY + THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN + HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED + HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING +THE KING'S SWEETHEART +THE DEVIL'S HEIR +THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH +THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE +THE MAID OF THILOUSE +THE BROTHER-IN-ARMS +THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU +THE REPROACH +EPILOGUE + + + + TRANSLATORS PREFACE + +When, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now famous Contes +Drolatiques was published by Gosselin of Paris, Balzac, in a short +preface, written in the publisher's name, replied to those attacks +which he anticipated certain critics would make upon his hardy +experiment. He claimed for his book the protection of all those to +whom literature was dear, because it was a work of art--and a work of +art, in the highest sense of the word, it undoubtedly is. Like +Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, Ariosto, and Verville, the +great author of The Human Comedy has painted an epoch. In the fresh +and wonderful language of the Merry Vicar Of Meudon, he has given us a +marvellous picture of French life and manners in the sixteenth +century. The gallant knights and merry dames of that eventful period +of French history stand out in bold relief upon his canvas. The +background in these life-like figures is, as it were, "sketched upon +the spot." After reading the Contes Drolatiques, one could almost find +one's way about the towns and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map +or guide. Not only is this book a work of art from its historical +information and topographical accuracy; its claims to that distinction +rest upon a broader foundation. Written in the nineteenth century in +imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it is a triumph of literary +archaeology. It is a model of that which it professes to imitate; the +production of a writer who, to accomplish it, must have been at once +historian, linguist, philosopher, archaeologist, and anatomist, and +each in no ordinary degree. In France, his work has long been regarded +as a classic--as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, +when kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies laughed +openly at stories and jokes which are considered disgraceful by their +more fastidious descendants. In England the difficulties of the +language employed, and the quaintness and peculiarity of its style, +have placed it beyond the reach of all but those thoroughly acquainted +with the French of the sixteenth century. Taking into consideration +the vast amount of historical information enshrined in its pages, the +archaeological value which it must always possess for the student, and +the dramatic interest of its stories, the translator has thought that +an English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre would be acceptable to +many. It has, of course, been impossible to reproduce in all its +vigour and freshness the language of the original. Many of the quips +and cranks and puns have been lost in the process of Anglicising. +These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer ventures to hope that he +has treated this great masterpiece in a reverent spirit, touched it +with no sacrilegious hand, but, on the contrary, given as close a +translation as the dissimilarities of the two languages permit. With +this idea, no attempt had been made to polish or round many of the +awkwardly constructed sentences which are characteristic of this +volume. Rough, and occasionally obscure, they are far more in keeping +with the spirit of the original than the polished periods of modern +romance. Taking into consideration the many difficulties which he has +had to overcome, and which those best acquainted with the French +edition will best appreciate, the translator claims the indulgence of +the critical reader for any shortcomings he may discover. The best +plea that can be offered for such indulgence is the fact that, +although Les Contes Drolatiques was completed and published in 1837, +the present is the first English version ever brought before the +public. + +London, January, 1874 + + + + + +FIRST TEN TALES + + + +PROLOGUE + +This is a book of the highest flavour, full of right hearty merriment, +spiced to the palate of the illustrious and very precious tosspots and +drinkers, to whom our worthy compatriot, Francois Rabelais, the +eternal honour of Touraine, addressed himself. Be it nevertheless +understood, the author has no other desire than to be a good +Touranian, and joyfully to chronicle the merry doings of the famous +people of this sweet and productive land, more fertile in cuckolds, +dandies and witty wags than any other, and which has furnished a good +share of men of renown in France, as witness the departed Courier of +piquant memory; Verville, author of Moyen de Parvenir, and others +equally well known, among whom we will specially mention the Sieur +Descartes, because he was a melancholy genius, and devoted himself +more to brown studies than to drinks and dainties, a man of whom all +the cooks and confectioners of Tours have a wise horror, whom they +despise, and will not hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he live?" +if his name is mentioned. Now this work is the production of the +joyous leisure of good old monks, of whom there are many vestiges +scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr, in the village +of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at Marmoustiers, Veretz, Roche-Cobon, +and the certain storehouses of good stories, which storehouses are the +upper stories of old canons and wise dames, who remember the good old +days when they could enjoy a hearty laugh without looking to see if +their hilarity disturbed the sit of your ruffle, as do the young women +of the present day, who wish to take their pleasure gravely--a custom +which suits our Gay France as much as a water jug would the head of a +queen. Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and he has +sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without adding to them +by books, I have considered it a thing most patriotic to publish a +drachm of merriment for these times, when weariness falls like a fine +rain, wetting us, soaking into us, and dissolving those ancient +customs which make the people to reap public amusement from the +Republic. But of those old pantagruelists who allowed God and the king +to conduct their own affairs without putting of their finger in the +pie oftener than they could help, being content to look on and laugh, +there are very few left. They are dying out day by day in such manner +that I fear greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient +breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonoured, and +blamed, the which I should be loath to see, since I have and bear +great respect for the refuse of our Gallic antiquities. + +Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, you scrapers-up of words, harpies +who mangle the intentions and inventions of everyone, that as children +only do we laugh, and as we travel onward laughter sinks down and dies +out, like the light of the oil-lit lamp. This signifies, that to laugh +you must be innocent, and pure of a heart, lacking which qualities you +purse your lips, drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after the manner +of men hiding vices and impurities. Take, then, this work as you would +take a group of statue, certain features of which an artist could +omit, and he would be the biggest of all big fools if he puts leaves +upon them, seeing that these said works are not, any more than is this +book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have taken care, much to +my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts the old words, which, in +spite of their age, were still strong, and which would have shocked +the ears, astonished the eyes, reddened the cheeks and sullied the +lips of trousered maidens, and Madame Virtue with three lovers; for +certain things must be done to suit the vices of the age, and a +periphrase is much more agreeable than the word. Indeed, we are old, +and find long trifles, better than the short follies of our youth, +because at that time our taste was better. Then spare me your +slanders, and read this rather at night than in the daytime and give +it not to young maidens, if there be any, because this book is +inflammable. I will now rid you of myself. But I fear nothing from +this book, since it is extracted from a high and splendid source, from +which all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply proved +by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the Holy Ghost, of the +Garter, of the Bath, and by many notable things which have been taken +therefrom, under shelter of which I place myself. + +'Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gayly read with ease of body and +rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you if you disown me after +having read me.' These words are those of our good Master Rabelais, +before whom we must also stand, hat in hand, in token of reverence and +honour to him, prince of all wisdom, and king of Comedy. + + + +THE FAIR IMPERIA + +The Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite when going to the +Council at Constance quite a good-looking little priest of Touraine +whose ways and manner of speech was so charming that he passed for a +son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of Tours had +willingly given him to his confrere for his journey to that town, +because it was usual for archbishops to make each other presents, they +well knowing how sharp are the itchings of theological palms. Thus +this young priest came to the Council and was lodged in the +establishment of his prelate, a man of good morals and great science. + +Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave well and +worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this mysterious Council +many men leading a dissolute life and yet not making less, nay-- +gaining more indulgences, gold crowns and benefices than all the other +virtuous and well-behaved ones. Now during one night--dangerous to his +virtue--the devil whispered into his ear that he should live more +luxuriously, since every one sucked the breasts of our Holy Mother +Church and yet they were not drained, a miracle which proved beyond +doubt the existence of God. And the priest of Touraine did not +disappoint the devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his +bellyful of roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do +so without paying for them as he was poor. As he remained quite +continent (in which he followed the example of the poor old archbishop +who sinned no longer because he was unable to, and passed for a +saint,) he had to suffer from intolerable desires followed by fits of +melancholy, since there were so many sweet courtesans, well developed, +but cold to the poor people, who inhabited Constance, to enlighten the +understanding of the Fathers of the Council. He was savage that he did +not know how to make up to these gallant sirens, who snubbed +cardinals, abbots, councillors, legates, bishops, princes and +margraves just as if they have been penniless clerks. And in the +evening, after prayers, he would practice speaking to them, teaching +himself the breviary of love. He taught himself to answer all possible +questions, but on the morrow if by chance he met one of the aforesaid +princesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted by her proud +and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed, like a dog in the act +of catching flies, at the sight of sweet countenance that so much +inflamed him. The secretary of a Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, +having clearly explained to him that the Fathers, procureurs, and +auditors of the Rota bought by certain presents, not relics or +indulgences, but jewels and gold, the favour of being familiar with +the best of these pampered cats who lived under the protection of the +lords of the Council; the poor Touranian, all simpleton and innocent +as he was, treasured up under his mattress the money given him by the +good archbishop for writings and copying--hoping one day to have +enough just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting to God for the +rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a man about as +much as a goat with a night-dress on resembles a young lady, but +prompted by his desires he wandered in the evenings through the +streets of Constance, careless of his life, and, at the risk of having +his body halberded by the soldiers, he peeped at the cardinals +entering the houses of their sweethearts. Then he saw the wax-candles +lighted in the houses and suddenly the doors and the windows closed. +Then he heard the blessed abbots or others jumping about, drinking, +enjoying themselves, love-making, singing Alleluia and applauding the +music with which they were being regaled. The kitchen performed +miracles, the Offices said were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet +little hams, the Vespers luscious mouthful, and the Lauhes delicate +sweetmeats, and after their little carouses, these brave priests were +silent, their pages diced upon the stairs, their mules stamped +restively in the streets; everything went well--but faith and religion +was there. That is how it came to pass the good man Huss was burned. +And the reason? He put his finger in the pie without being asked. Then +why was he a huguenot before the others? + +To return, however to our sweet little Philippe, not unfrequently did +he receive many a thump and hard blow, but the devil sustained him, +inciting him to believe that sooner or later it would come to his turn +to play the cardinal to some lovely dame. This ardent desire gave him +the boldness of a stag in autumn, so much so that one evening he +quietly tripped up the steps and into one of the first houses in +Constance where often he had seen officers, seneschals, valets, and +pages waiting with torches for their masters, dukes, kings, cardinals +and archbishops. + +"Ah!" said he, "she must be very beautiful and amiable, this one." + +A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him to belong to +the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had just left, and that he +was going to deliver a message on behalf of the above-mentioned +nobleman. Philippe de Mala mounted the stairs as lightly as a +greyhound in love, and was guided by delectable odour of perfume to +certain chamber where, surrounded by her handmaidens, the lady of the +house was divesting herself of her attire. He stood quite dumbfounded +like a thief surprised by sergeants. The lady was without petticoat or +head-dress. The chambermaid and the servants, busy taking off her +stockings and undressing her, so quickly and dextrously had her +stripped, that the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long Ah! which had +the flavour of love about it. + +"What want you, little one?" said the lady to him. + +"To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes upon her. + +"You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to be rid of him. + +To which Philippe replied, blushing, "I will not fail." + +Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motionless, stood quite +at his ease, letting wander over her his eyes that glowed and sparkled +with the flame of love. What lovely thick hair hung upon her ivory +white back, showing sweet white places, fair and shining between the +many tresses! She had upon her snow-white brow a ruby circlet, less +fertile in rays of fire than her black eyes, still moist with tears +from her hearty laugh. She even threw her slipper at a statue gilded +like a shrine, twisting herself about from very ribaldry and allowed +her bare foot, smaller than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening +she was in a good humour, otherwise she would have had the little +shaven-crop put out by the window without more ado than her first +bishop. + +"He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of her handmaids. + +"Where does he comes from?" asked another. + +"Poor child!" cried Madame, "his mother must be looking for him. Show +him his way home." + +The Touranian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight at the sight +of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was about to repose. This +glance, full of amorous intelligence, awoke the lady's fantasy, who, +half laughing and half smitten, repeated "To-morrow," and dismissed +him with a gesture which the Pope Jehan himself would have obeyed, +especially as he was like a snail without a shell, since the Council +had just deprived him of the holy keys. + +"Ah! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed into an amorous +desire," said one of her women; and the chuckles commenced again thick +as hail. + +Philippe went his way, bumping his head against a wall like a hooded +rook as he was. So giddy had he become at the sight of this creature, +even more enticing than a siren rising from the water. He noticed the +animals carved over the door and returned to the house of the +archbishop with his head full of diabolical longings and his entrails +sophisticated. + +Once in his little room he counted his coins all night long, but could +make no more than four of them; and as that was all his treasure, he +counted upon satisfying the fair one by giving her all he had in the +world. + +"What is it ails you?" said the good archbishop, uneasy at the groans +and "oh! oh's!" of his clerk. + +"Ah! my Lord," answered the poor priest, "I am wondering how it is +that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so heavily upon my heart." + +"Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his breviary which he +was reading for others--the good man. + +"Oh! Mother of God! You will scold me, I know, my good master, my +protector, because I have seen the lady of a cardinal at the least, +and I am weeping because I lack more than one crown to enable me to +convert her." + +The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he had above his +nose, said not a word. Then the very humble priest trembled in his +skin to have confessed so much to his superior. But the holy man +directly said to him, "She must be very dear then--" + +"Ah!" said he, "she has swallowed many a mitre and stolen many a +cross." + +"Well, Philippe, if thou will renounce her, I will present thee with +thirty angels from the poor-box." + +"Ah! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the lad, +emboldened by the treat he promised himself. + +"Ah! Philippe," said the good prelate, "thou wilt then go to the devil +and displease God, like all our cardinals," and the master, with +sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the patron saint of Innocents, to +save his servant. He made him kneel down beside him, telling him to +recommend himself also to St. Philippe, but the wretched priest +implored the saint beneath his breath to prevent him from failing if +on the morrow that the lady should receive him kindly and mercifully; +and the good archbishop, observing the fervour of his servant, cried +out him, "Courage little one, and Heaven will exorcise thee." + +On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the Council against +the shameless behaviour of the apostles of Christianity, Philippe de +Mala spent his angels--acquired with so much labour--in perfumes, +baths, fomentations, and other fooleries. He played the fop so well, +one would have thought him the fancy cavalier of a gay lady. He +wandered about the town in order to find the residence of his heart's +queen; and when he asked the passers-by to whom belonged the aforesaid +house, they laughed in his face, saying-- + +"Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard of La Belle +Imperia?" + +He was very much afraid he and his angels were gone to the devil when +he heard the name, and knew into what a nice mess he had voluntarily +fallen. + +Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in the world, +although she passed for the most dazzling and the beautiful, and the +one who best understood the art of bamboozling cardinals and softening +the hardiest soldiers and oppressors of the people. She had brave +captains, archers, and nobles, ready to serve her at every turn. She +had only to breathe a word, and the business of anyone who had +offended her was settled. A free fight only brought a smile to her +lips, and often the Sire de Baudricourt--one of the King's Captains-- +would ask her if there were any one he could kill for her that day--a +little joke at the expense of the abbots. With the exception of the +potentates among the high clergy with whom Madame Imperia managed to +accommodate her little tempers, she ruled everyone with a high hand in +virtue of her pretty babble and enchanting ways, which enthralled the +most virtuous and the most unimpressionable. Thus she lived beloved +and respected, quite as much as the real ladies and princesses, and +was called Madame, concerning which the good Emperor Sigismund replied +to a lady who complained of it to him, "That they, the good ladies, +might keep to their own proper way and holy virtues, and Madame +Imperia to the sweet naughtiness of the goddess Venus"--Christian +words which shocked the good ladies, to their credit be it said. + +Philippe, then thinking over it in his mind that which on the +preceding evening he had seen with his eyes, doubted if more did not +remain behind. Then was he sad, and without taking bite or sup, +strolled about the town waiting the appointed hour, although he was +well-favoured and gallant enough to find others less difficult to +overcome than was Madame Imperia. + +The night came; the little Touranian, exalted with pride caparisoned +with desire, and spurred by his "alacks" and "alases" which nearly +choked him, glided like an eel into the domicile of the veritable +Queen of the Council--for before her bowed humbly all the authority, +science, and wisdom of Christianity. The major domo did not know him, +and was going to bundle him out again, when one of the chamber-women +called him from the top of the stairs--"Eh M. Imbert, it is Madame's +young fellow," and poor Philippe, blushing like a wedding night, ran +up the stairs, shaking with happiness and delight. The servant took +him by the hand and led into the chamber where sat Madame, lightly +attired like a brave woman who awaits her conqueror. + +The dazzling Imperia was seated near a table covered with a shaggy +cloth ornamented with gold, and with all the requisites for a dainty +carouse. Flagons of wine, various drinking glasses, bottles of the +hippocras, flasks full of good wine of Cyprus, pretty boxes full of +spices, roast peacocks, green sauces, little salt hams--all that would +gladden the eyes of the gallant if he had not so madly loved Madame +Imperia. + +She saw well that the eyes of the young priest were all for her. +Although accustomed to the curl-paper devotion of the churchmen, she +was well satisfied that she had made a conquest of the young priest +who all day long had been in her head. + +The windows had been closed; Madame was decked out in a manner fit to +do honours to a prince of the Empire. Then the rogue, beatified by the +holy beauty of Imperia, knew that Emperor, burgraf, nay, even a +cardinal about to be elected pope, would willingly for that night have +changed places with him, a little priest who, beneath his gown, had +only the devil and love. + +He put on a lordly air, and saluted her with a courtesy by no means +ungraceful; and then the sweet lady said to him, regaling with a +piercing glance-- + +"Come and sit close to me, that I may see if you have altered since +yesterday." + +"Oh yes," said he. + +"And how?" said she. + +"Yesterday," replied the artful fellow, "I loved you; today, we love +each other, and from a poor sinner I have become richer than a king." + +"Oh, little one, little one!" cried she, merrily; "yes, you are indeed +changed, for from a young priest I see well you have turned into an +old devil." + +And side by side they sat down before a large fire, which helped to +spread their ecstasy around. They remained always ready to begin +eating, seeing that they only thought of gazing into each other's +eyes, and never touched a dish. Just as they were beginning to feel +comfortable and at their ease, there came a great noise at Madame's +door, as if people were beating against it, and crying out. + +"Madame," cried the little servant hastily, "here's another of them." + +"Who is it?" cried she in a haughty manner, like a tyrant, savage at +being interrupted. + +"The Bishop of Coire wishes to speak with you." + +"May the devil take him!" said she, looking at Philippe gently. + +"Madame he has seen the light through the chinks, and is making a +great noise." + +"Tell him I have the fever, and you will be telling him no lie, for I +am ill of this little priest who is torturing my brain." + +But just as she had finished speaking, and was pressing with devotion +the hand of Philippe who trembled in his skin, appeared the fat Bishop +of Coire, indignant and angry. The officers followed him, bearing a +trout canonically dressed, fresh from the Rhine, and shining in a +golden platter, and spices contained in little ornamental boxes, and a +thousand dainties, such as liqueurs and jams, made by the holy nuns at +his Abbey. + +"Ah, ah!" said he, with his deep voice, "I haven't time to go to the +devil, but you must give me a touch of him in advance, eh! my little +one." + +"Your belly will one day make a nice sheath for a sword," replied she, +knitting her brows above her eyes, which from being soft and gentle +had become mischievous enough to make one tremble. + +"And this little chorus singer is here to offer that?" said the +bishop, insolently turning his great rubicund face towards Philippe. + +"Monseigneur, I'm here to confess Madame." + +"Oh, oh, do you not know the canons? To confess the ladies at this +time of night is a right reserved to bishops, so take yourself off; go +and herd with simple monks, and never come back here again under pain +of excommunication." + +"Do not move," cried the blushing Imperia, more lovely with passion +than she was with love, because now she was possessed both with +passion and love. "Stop, my friend. Here you are in your own house." +Then he knew that he was really loved by her. + +"It is it not in the breviary, and an evangelical regulation, that you +should be equal with God in the valley of Jehoshaphat?" asked she of +the bishop. + +"'Tis is an invention of the devil, who has adulterated the holy +book," replied the great numskull of a bishop in a hurry to fall to. + +"Well then, be equal now before me, who am here below your goddess," +replied Imperia, "otherwise one of these days I will have you +delicately strangled between the head and shoulders; I swear it by the +power of my tonsure which is as good as the pope's." And wishing that +the trout should be added to the feast as well as the sweets and other +dainties, she added, cunningly, "Sit you down and drink with us." But +the artful minx, being up to a trick or two, gave the little one a +wink which told him plainly not to mind the German, whom she would +soon find a means to be rid of. + +The servant-maid seated the Bishop at the table, and tucked him up, +while Philippe, wild with rage that closed his mouth, because he saw +his plans ending in smoke, gave the archbishop to more devils than +ever were monks alive. Thus they got halfway through the repast, which +the young priest had not yet touched, hungering only for Imperia, near +whom he was already seated, but speaking that sweet language which the +ladies so well understand, that has neither stops, commas, accents, +letters, figures, characters, notes, nor images. The fat bishop, +sensual and careful enough of the sleek, ecclesiastical garment of +skin for which he was indebted to his late mother, allowed himself to +be plentifully served with hippocras by the delicate hand of Madame, +and it was just at his first hiccough that the sound of an approaching +cavalcade was heard in the street. The number of horses, the "Ho, ho!" +of the pages, showed plainly that some great prince hot with love, was +about to arrive. In fact, a moment afterwards the Cardinal of Ragusa, +against whom the servants of Imperia had not dared to bar the door, +entered the room. At this terrible sight the poor courtesan and her +young lover became ashamed and embarrassed, like fresh cured lepers; +for it would be tempting the devil to try and oust the cardinal, the +more so as at that time it was not known who would be pope, three +aspirants having resigned their hoods for the benefit of Christianity. +The cardinal, who was a cunning Italian, long bearded, a great +sophist, and the life and soul of the Council, guessed, by the +feeblest exercise of the faculties of his understanding, the alpha and +omega of the adventure. He only had to weigh in his mind one little +thought before he knew how to proceed in order to be able to +hypothecate his manly vigour. He arrived with the appetite of a hungry +monk, and to obtain its satisfaction he was just the man to stab two +monks and sell his bit of the true cross, which were wrong. + +"Hulloa! friend," said he to Philippe, calling him towards him. The +poor Tourainian, more dead than alive, and expecting the devil was +about to interfere seriously with his arrangements, rose and said, +"What is it?" to the redoubtable cardinal. + +He taking him by the arm led him to the staircase, looked him in the +white of the eye and said without any nonsense--"Ventredieu! You are a +nice little fellow, and I should not like to have to let your master +know the weight of your carcass. My revenge might cause me certain +pious expenses in my old age, so choose to espouse an abbey for the +remainder of your days, or to marry Madame to-night and die tomorrow." + +The poor little Tourainian in despair murmured, "May I come back when +your passion is over?" + +The cardinal could scarcely keep his countenance, but he said sternly, +"Choose the gallows or a mitre." + +"Ah!" said the priest, maliciously; "a good fat abbey." + +Thereupon the cardinal went back into the room, opened an escritoire, +and scribbled upon a piece of parchment an order to the envoy of +France. + +"Monseigneur," said the Tourainian to him while he was spelling out +the order, "you will not get rid of the Bishop of Coire so easily as +you have got rid of me, for he has as many abbeys as the soldiers have +drinking shops in the town; besides, he is in the favour of his lord. +Now I fancy to show you my gratitude for this so fine Abbey I owe you +good piece of advice. You know how fatal has been and how rapidly +spread this terrible pestilence which has cruelly harassed Paris. Tell +him that you have just left the bedside of your old friend the +Archbishop of Bordeaux; thus you will make him scutter away like straw +before a whirl-wind. + +"Oh, oh!" cried the cardinal, "thou meritest more than an abbey. Ah, +Ventredieu! my young friend, here are 100 golden crowns for thy +journey to the Abbey of Turpenay, which I won yesterday at cards, and +of which I make you a free gift." + +Hearing these words, and seeing Philippe de Mala disappear without +giving her the amorous glances she expected, the beautiful Imperia, +puffing like a dolphin, denounced all the cowardice of the priest. She +was not then a sufficiently good Catholic to pardon her lover +deceiving her, by not knowing how to die for her pleasure. Thus the +death of Philippe was foreshadowed in the viper's glance she cast at +him to insult him, which glance pleased the cardinal much, for the +wily Italian saw he would soon get his abbey back again. The +Touranian, heeding not the brewing storm avoided it by walking out +silently with his ears down, like a wet dog being kicked out of a +Church. Madame drew a sigh from her heart. She must have had her own +ideas of humanity for the little value she held in it. The fire which +possessed her had mounted to her head, and scintillated in rays about +her, and there was good reason for it, for this was the first time +that she had been humbugged by priest. Then the cardinal smiled, +believing it was all to his advantage: was not he a cunning fellow? +Yes, he was the possessor of a red hat. + +"Ah, ah! my friend," said he to the Bishop, "I congratulate myself on +being in your company, and I am glad to have been able to get rid of +that little wretch unworthy of Madame, the more so as if you had gone +near him, my lovely and amiable creature, you would have perished +miserably through the deed of a simple priest." + +"Ah! How?" + +"He is the secretary of the Archbishop of Bordeaux. The good man was +seized this morning with the pestilence." + +The bishop opened his mouth wide enough to swallow a Dutch cheese. + +"How do you know that?" asked he. + +"Ah!" said the cardinal, taking the good German's hand, "I have just +administered to him, and consoled him; at this moment the holy man has +a fair wind to waft him to paradise." + +The Bishop of Coire demonstrated immediately how light fat man are; +for when men are big-bellied, a merciful providence, in the +consideration of their works, often makes their internal tubes as +elastic as balloons. The aforesaid bishop sprang backwards with one +bound, burst into a perspiration and coughed like a cow who finds +feathers mixed with her hay. Then becoming suddenly pale, he rushed +down the stairs without even bidding Madame adieu. When the door had +closed upon the bishop, and he was fairly in the street, the Cardinal +of Ragusa began laughing fit to split his sides. + +"Ah! my fair one, am I not worthy to be Pope, and better than that, +thy lover this evening?" + +But seeing Imperia thoughtful he approached her to take her in his +arms, and pet her after the usual fashion of cardinals, men who +embrace better than all others, even the soldiers, because they are +lazy, and do not spare their essential properties. + +"Ha!" said she, drawing back, "you wish to cause my death, you +ecclesiastical idiot. The principal thing for you is to enjoy +yourself; my sweet carcass, a thing accessory. Your pleasure will be +my death, and then you'll canonise me perhaps? Ah, you have the +plague, and you would give it to me. Go somewhere else, you brainless +priest. Ah! touch me not," said she, seeing him about to advance, "or +I will stab you with this dagger." + +And the clever hussy drew from her armoire a little dagger, which she +knew how to use with great skill when necessary. + +"But my little paradise, my sweet one," said the other, laughing, +"don't you see the trick? Wasn't it necessary to be get rid of that +old bullock of Coire?" + +"Well then, if you love me, show it" replied she. "I desire that you +leave me instantly. If you are touched with the disease my death will +not worry you. I know you well enough to know at what price you will +put a moment of pleasure at your last hour. You would drown the earth. +Ah, ah! you have boasted of it when drunk. I love only myself, my +treasures, and my health. Go, and if tomorrow your veins are not +frozen by the disease, you can come again. Today, I hate you, good +cardinal," said she, smiling. + +"Imperia!" cried the cardinal on his knees, "my blessed Imperia, do +not play with me thus." + +"No," said she, "I never play with blessed and sacred things." + +"Ah! ribald woman, I will excommunicate thee tomorrow." + +"And now you are out of your cardinal sense." + +"Imperia, cursed daughter of Satan! Oh, my little beauty--my love--!" + +"Respect yourself more. Don't kneel to me, fie for shame!" + +"Wilt thou have a dispensation in articulo mortis? Wilt thou have my +fortune--or better still, a bit of the veritable true Cross?--Wilt +thou?" + +"This evening, all the wealth of heaven above and earth beneath would +not buy my heart," said she, laughing. "I should be the blackest of +sinners, unworthy to receive the Blessed Sacrament if I had not my +little caprices." + +"I'll burn the house down. Sorceress, you have bewitched me. You shall +perish at the stake. Listen to me, my love,--my gentle Dove--I promise +you the best place in heaven. Eh? No. Death to you then--death to the +sorceress." + +"Oh, oh! I will kill you, Monseigneur." + +And the cardinal foamed with rage. + +"You are making a fool of yourself," said she. "Go away, you'll tire +yourself." + +"I shall be pope, and you shall pay for this!" + +"Then you are no longer disposed to obey me?" + +"What can I do this evening to please you?" + +"Get out." + +And she sprang lightly like a wagtail into her room, and locked +herself in, leaving the cardinal to storm that he was obliged to go. +When the fair Imperia found herself alone, seated before the fire, and +without her little priest, she exclaimed, snapping angrily the gold +links of her chain, "By the double triple horn on the devil, if the +little one has made me have this row with the Cardinal, and exposed me +to the danger of being poisoned tomorrow, unless I pay him over to my +heart's content, I will not die till I have seen him burned alive +before my eyes. Ah!" said she, weeping, this time real tears, "I lead +a most unhappy life, and the little pleasure I have costs me the life +of a dog, let alone my salvation." + +As she finished this jeremiad, wailing like a calf that is being +slaughtered, she beheld the blushing face of the young priest, who had +hidden himself, peeping at her from behind her large Venetian mirror. + +"Ah!" said she, "Thou art the most perfect monk that ever dwelt in +this blessed and amorous town of Constance. Ah, ah! Come my gentle +cavalier, my dear boy, my little charm, my paradise of delectation, +let me drink thine eyes, eat thee, kill thee with my love. Oh! my +ever-flourishing, ever-green, sempiternal god; from a little monk I +would make a king, emperor, pope, and happier than either. There, thou +canst put anything to fire and sword, I am thine, and thou shalt see +it well; for thou shalt be all a cardinal, even when to redden thy +hood I shed all my heart's blood." And with her trembling hands all +joyously she filled with Greek wine the golden cup, brought by the +Bishop of Coire, and presented it to her sweetheart, whom she served +upon her knee, she whose slipper princes found more to their taste +than that of the pope. + +But he gazed at her in silence, with his eye so lustrous with love, +that she said to him, trembling with joy " Ah! be quiet, little one. +Let us have supper." + + + +THE VENIAL SIN + + +HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE. + +Messire Bruyn, he who completed the Castle of Roche-Corbon-les- +Vouvray, on the banks of the Loire, was a boisterous fellow in his +youth. When quite little, he squeezed young ladies, turned the house +out of windows, and played the devil with everything, when he was +called upon to put his Sire the Baron of Roche-Corbon some few feet +under the turf. Then he was his own master, free to lead a life of +wild dissipation, and indeed he worked very hard to get a surfeit of +enjoyment. Now by making his crowns sweat and his goods scarce, +draining his land, and a bleeding his hogsheads, and regaling frail +beauties, he found himself excommunicated from decent society, and had +for his friends only the plunderers of towns and the Lombardians. But +the usurers turned rough and bitter as chestnut husks, when he had no +other security to give them than his said estate of Roche-Corbon, +since the Rupes Carbonis was held from our Lord the king. Then Bruyn +found himself just in the humour to give a blow here and there, to +break a collar-bone or two, and quarrel with everyone about trifles. +Seeing which, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, his neighbour, and a man +liberal with his advice, told him that it was an evident sign of +lordly perfection, that he was walking in the right road, but if he +would go and slaughter, to the great glory of God, the Mahommedans who +defiled the Holy Land, it would be better still, and that he would +undoubtedly return full of wealth and indulgences into Touraine, or +into Paradise, whence all barons formerly came. + +The said Bruyn, admiring the great sense of the prelate, left the +country equipped by the monastery, and blessed by the abbot, to the +great delight of his friends and neighbours. Then he put to the sack +enough many towns of Asia and Africa, and fell upon the infidels +without giving them warning, burning the Saracens, the Greeks, the +English, and others, caring little whether they were friends or +enemies, or where they came from, since among his merits he had that +of being in no way curious, and he never questioned them until after +he had killed them. At this business, agreeable to God, to the King +and to himself, Bruyn gained renown as a good Christian and loyal +knight, and enjoyed himself thoroughly in these lands beyond the seas, +since he more willingly gave a crown to the girls than to the poor, +although he met many more poor people than perfect maids; but like a +good Touranian he made soup of anything. At length, when he was +satiated with the Turks, relics, and other blessings of the Holy Land, +Bruyn, to the great astonishment of the people of Vouvrillons, +returned from the Crusades laden with crowns and precious stones; +rather differently from some who, rich when they set out, came back +heavy with leprosy, but light with gold. On his return from Tunis, our +Lord, King Philippe, made him a Count, and appointed him his seneschal +in our country and that of Poitou. There he was greatly beloved and +properly thought well of, since over and above his good qualities he +founded the Church of the Carmes-Deschaulx, in the parish of +Egrignolles, as the peace-offering to Heaven for the follies of his +youth. Thus was he cardinally consigned to the good graces of the +Church and of God. From a wicked youth and reckless man, he became a +good, wise man, and discreet in his dissipations and pleasures; rarely +was in anger, unless someone blasphemed God before him, the which he +would not tolerate because he had blasphemed enough for every one in +his wild youth. In short, he never quarrelled, because, being +seneschal, people gave up to him instantly. It is true that he at that +time beheld all his desires accomplished, the which would render even +an imp of Satan calm and tranquil from his horns to his heels. And +besides this he possessed a castle all jagged at the corners, and +shaped and pointed like a Spanish doublet, situated upon a bank from +which it was reflected in the Loire. In the rooms were royal +tapestries, furniture, Saracen pomps, vanities, and inventions which +were much admired by people of Tours, and even by the archbishop and +clerks of St. Martin, to whom he sent as a free gift a banner fringed +with fine gold. In the neighbourhood of the said castle abounded fair +domains, wind-mills, and forests, yielding a harvest of rents of all +kinds, so that he was one of the strongest knights-banneret of the +province, and could easily have led to battle for our lord the king a +thousand men. In his old days, if by chance his bailiff, a diligent +man at hanging, brought before him a poor peasant suspected of some +offence, he would say, smiling-- + +"Let this one go, Brediff, he will count against those I +inconsiderately slaughtered across the seas"; oftentimes, however, he +would let them bravely hang on a chestnut tree or swing on his +gallows, but this was solely that justice might be done, and that the +custom should not lapse in his domain. Thus the people on his lands +were good and orderly, like fresh veiled nuns, and peaceful since he +protected them from the robbers and vagabonds whom he never spared, +knowing by experience how much mischief is caused by these cursed +beasts of prey. For the rest, most devout, finishing everything +quickly, his prayers as well as good wine, he managed the processes +after the Turkish fashion, having a thousand little jokes ready for +the losers, and dining with them to console them. He had all the +people who had been hanged buried in consecrated ground like godly +ones, some people thinking they had been sufficiently punished by +having their breath stopped. He only persecuted the Jews now and then, +and when they were glutted with usury and wealth. He let them gather +their spoil as the bees do honey, saying that they were the best of +tax-gatherers. And never did he despoil them save for the profit and +use of the churchmen, the king, the province, or himself. + +This jovial way gained for him the affection and esteem of every one, +great and small. If he came back smiling from his judicial throne, the +Abbot of Marmoustiers, an old man like himself, would say, "Ho, ha! +messire, there is some hanging on since you laugh thus!" And when +coming from Roche-Corbon to Tours he passed on horseback along the +Fauborg St. Symphorien, the little girls would say, "Ah! this is the +justice day, there is the good man Bruyn," and without being afraid +they would look at him astride on a big white hack, that he had +brought back with him from the Levant. On the bridge the little boys +would stop playing with the ball, and would call out, "Good day, Mr. +Seneschal" and he would reply, jokingly, "Enjoy yourselves, my +children, until you get whipped." "Yes, Mr. Seneschal." + +Also he made the country so contented and so free from robbers that +during the year of the great over-flowing of the Loire there were only +twenty-two malefactors hanged that winter, not counting a Jew burned +in the Commune of Chateau-Neuf for having stolen a consecrated wafer, +or bought it, some said, for he was very rich. + +One day, in the following year about harvest time, or mowing time, as +we say in Touraine, there came Egyptians, Bohemians, and other +wandering troupes who stole the holy things from the Church of St. +Martin, and in the place and exact situation of Madam the Virgin, left +by way of insult and mockery to our Holy Faith, an abandoned pretty +little girl, about the age of an old dog, stark naked, an acrobat, and +of Moorish descent like themselves. For this almost nameless crime it +was equally decided by the king, people, and the churchmen that the +Mooress, to pay for all, should be burned and cooked alive in the +square near the fountain where the herb market is. Then the good man +Bruyn clearly and dextrously demonstrated to the others that it would +be a thing most profitable and pleasant to God to gain over this +African soul to the true religion, and if the devil were lodged in +this feminine body the faggots would be useless to burn him, as said +the said order. To which the archbishop sagely thought most canonical +and conformable to Christian charity and the gospel. The ladies of the +town and other persons of authority said loudly that they were cheated +of a fine ceremony, since the Mooress was crying her eyes out in the +jail and would certainly be converted to God in order to live as long +as a crow, if she were allowed to do so, to which the seneschal +replied that if the foreigner would wholly commit herself to the +Christian religion there would be a gallant ceremony of another kind, +and that he would undertake that it should be royally magnificent, +because he would be her sponsor at the baptismal font, and that a +virgin should be his partner in the affair in order the better to +please the Almighty, while himself was reputed never to have lost the +bloom or innocence, in fact to be a coquebin. In our country of +Touraine thus are called the young virgin men, unmarried or so +esteemed to distinguish them from the husbands and the widowers, but +the girls always pick them without the name, because they are more +light-hearted and merry than those seasoned in marriage. + +The young Mooress did not hesitate between the flaming faggots and the +baptismal water. She much preferred to be a Christian and live than be +Egyptian and be burned; thus to escape a moment's baking, her heart +would burn unquenched through all her life, since for the greater +surety of her religion she was placed in the convent of nuns near +Chardonneret, where she took the vow of sanctity. The said ceremony +was concluded at the residence of the archbishop, where on this +occasion, in honour of the Saviour or men, the lords and ladies of +Touraine hopped, skipped and danced, for in this country the people +dance, skip, eat, flirt, have more feasts and make merrier than any in +the whole world. The good old seneschal had taken for his associate +the daughter of the lord of Azay-le-Ridel, which afterwards became +Azay-le-Brusle, the which lord being a Crusader was left before Acre, +a far distant town, in the hands of a Saracen who demanded a royal +ransom for him because the said lord was of high position. + +The lady of Azay having given his estate as security to the Lombards +and extortioners in order to raise the sum, remained, without a penny +in the the world, awaiting her lord in a poor lodging in the town, +without a carpet to sit upon, but proud as the Queen of Sheba and +brave as a mastiff who defends the property of his master. Seeing this +great distress the seneschal went delicately to request this lady's +daughter to be the godmother of the said Egyptian, in order that he +might have the right of assisting the Lady of Azay. And, in fact, he +kept a heavy chain of gold which he had preserved since the +commencement of the taking of Cyprus, and the which he determined to +clasp about the neck of his pretty associate, but he hung there at the +same time his domain, and his white hairs, his money and his horses; +in short, he placed there everything he possessed, directly he had +seen Blanche of Azay dancing a pavan among the ladies of Tours. +Although the Moorish girl, making the most of her last day, had +astonished the assembly by her twists, jumps, steps, springs, and +elevations and artistic efforts, Blanche had the advantage of her, as +everyone agreed, so virginally and delicately did she dance. + +Now Bruyn, admiring this gentle maiden whose toes seemed to fear the +boards, and who amused herself so innocently for her seventeen years-- +like a grasshopper trying her first note--was seized with an old man's +desire; a desire apoplectic and vigorous from weakness, which heated +him from the sole of foot to the nape of his neck--for his head had +too much snow on the top of it to let love lodge there. Then the good +man perceived that he needed a wife in his manor, and it appeared more +lonely to him than it was. And what then was a castle without a +chatelaine? As well have a clapper without its bell. In short, a wife +was the only thing that he had to desire, so he wished to have one +promptly, seeing that if the Lady of Azay made him wait, he had just +time to pass out of this world into the other. But during the +baptismal entertainment, he thought little of his severe wounds, and +still less of the eighty years that had stripped his head; he found +his eyes clear enough to see distinctly his young companion, who, +following the injunctions of the Lady of Azay, regaled him well with +glance and gesture, believing there could be no danger near so old a +fellow, in such wise that Blanche--naive and nice as she was in +contradistinction to the girls of Touraine, who are as wide-awake as a +spring morning--permitted the good man first to kiss her hand, and +afterwards her neck, rather low-down; at least so said the archbishop +who married them the week after; and that was a beautiful bridal, and +a still more beautiful bride. + +The said Blanche was slender and graceful as no other girl, and still +better than that, more maidenly than ever maiden was; a maiden all +ignorant of love, who knew not why or what it was; a maiden who +wondered why certain people lingered in their beds; a maiden who +believed that children were found in parsley beds. Her mother had thus +reared her in innocence, without even allowing her to consider, trifle +as it was, how she sucked in her soup between her teeth. Thus she was +a sweet flower, and intact, joyous and innocent; an angel, who needed +but the wings to fly away to Paradise. When she left the poor lodging +of her weeping mother to consummate her betrothal at the cathedral of +St. Gatien and St. Maurice, the country people came to a feast their +eyes upon the bride, and on the carpets which were laid down all along +the the Rue de la Scellerie, and all said that never had tinier feet +pressed the ground of Touraine, prettier eyes gazed up to heaven, or a +more splendid festival adorned the streets with carpets and with +flowers. The young girls of St. Martin and of the boroughs of Chateau- +Neuf, all envied the long brown tresses with which doubtless Blanche +had fished for a count, but much more did they desire the gold +embroidered dress, the foreign stones, the white diamonds, and the +chains with which the little darling played, and which bound her for +ever to the said seneschal. The old soldier was so merry by her side, +that his happiness showed itself in his wrinkles, his looks, and his +movements. Although he was hardly as straight as a billhook, he held +himself so by the side of Blanche, that one would have taken him for a +soldier on parade receiving his officer, and he placed his hand on his +diaphragm like a man whose pleasure stifles and troubles him. +Delighted with the sound of the swinging bells, the procession, the +pomps, and the vanities of the said marriage, which was talked of long +after the episcopal rejoicings, the women desired a harvest of Moorish +girls, a deluge of old seneschals, and baskets full of Egyptian +baptisms. But this was the only one that ever happened in Touraine, +seeing that the country is far from Egypt and from Bohemia. The Lady +of Azay received a large sum of money after the ceremony, which +enabled her to start immediately for Acre to go to her spouse, +accompanied by the lieutenant and soldiers of the Count of Roche- +Corbon, who furnished them with everything necessary. She set out on +the day of the wedding, after having placed her daughter in the hands +of the seneschal, enjoining him to treat her well; and later on she +returned with the Sire d'Azay, who was leprous, and she cured him, +tending him herself, running the risk of being contaminated, the which +was greatly admired. + +The marriage ceremony finished and at an end--for it lasted three +days, to the great contentment of the people--Messire Bruyn with great +pomp led the little one to his castle, and, according to the custom of +husbands, had her put solemnly to bed in his couch, which was blessed +by the Abbot of Marmoustiers; then came and placed himself beside her +in the great feudal chamber of Roche-Corbon, which had been hung with +green blockade and ribbon of golden wire. When old Bruyn, perfumed all +over, found himself side by side with his pretty wife, he kissed her +first upon the forehead, and then upon the little round, white breast, +on the same spot where she had allowed him to clasp the fastenings of +the chain, but that was all. The old fellow had too great confidence +in himself in fancying himself able to accomplish more; so then he +abstained from love in spite of the merry nuptial songs, the +epithalamiums and jokes which were going on in the rooms beneath where +the dancing was still kept up. He refreshed himself with a drink of +the marriage beverage, which according to custom, had been blessed and +placed near them in a golden cup. The spices warned his stomach well +enough, but not the heart of his dead ardour. Blanche was not at all +astonished at the demeanour of her spouse, because she was a virgin in +mind, and in marriage she saw only that which is visible to the eyes +of young girls--namely dresses, banquets, horses, to be a lady and +mistress, to have a country seat, to amuse oneself and give orders; +so, like the child that she was, she played with the gold tassels on +the bed, and marvelled at the richness of the shrine in which her +innocence should be interred. Feeling, a little later in the day, his +culpability, and relying on the future, which, however, would spoil a +little every day that with which he pretended to regale his wife, the +seneschal tried to substitute the word for the deed. So he entertained +his wife in various ways, promised her the keys of his sideboards, his +granaries and chests, the perfect government of his houses and domains +without any control, hanging round her neck "the other half of the +loaf," which is the popular saying in Touraine. She became like a +young charger full of hay, found her good man the most gallant fellow +in the world, and raising herself upon her pillow began to smile, and +beheld with greater joy this beautiful green brocaded bed, where +henceforward she would be permitted, without any sin, to sleep every +night. Seeing she was getting playful, the cunning lord, who had not +been used to maidens, but knew from experience the little tricks that +women will practice, seeing that he had much associated with ladies of +the town, feared those handy tricks, little kisses, and minor +amusements of love which formerly he did not object to, but which at +the present time would have found him cold as the obit of a pope. Then +he drew back towards the end of the bed, afraid of his happiness, and +said to his too delectable spouse, "Well, darling, you are a +seneschal's wife now, and very well seneschaled as well." + +"Oh no!" said she. + +"How no!" replied he in great fear; "are you not a wife?" + +"No!" said she. "Nor shall I be till I have had a child." + +"Did you while coming here see the meadows?" began again the old +fellow. + +"Yes," said she. + +"Well, they are yours." + +"Oh! Oh!" replied she laughing, "I shall amuse myself much there +catching butterflies." + +"That's a good girl," says her lord. "And the woods?" + +"Ah! I should not like to be there alone, you will take me there. +But," said she, "give me a little of that liquor which La Ponneuse has +taken such pains to prepare for us." + +"And why, my darling? It would put fire in your body." + +"Oh! That's what I should like," said she, biting her lip with +vexation, "because I desire to give you a child as soon as possible; +and I'm sure that liquor is good for the purpose." + +"Ah! my little one," said the seneschal, knowing by this that Blanche +was a virgin from head to foot, "the goodwill of God is necessary for +this business, and women must be in a state of harvest." + +"And when should I be in a state of harvest?" asked she, smiling. + +"When nature so wills it," said he, trying to laugh. + +"What is it necessary to do for this?" replied she. + +"Ah! A cabalistical and alchemical operation which is very dangerous." + +"Ah!" said she, with a dreamy look, "that's the reason why my mother +cried when thinking of the said metamorphosis; but Bertha de Breuilly, +who is so thankful for being made a wife, told me it was the easiest +thing in the world." + +"That's according to the age," replied the old lord. "But did you see +at the stable the beautiful white mare so much spoken of in Touraine?" + +"Yes, she is very gentle and nice." + +"Well, I give her to you, and you can ride her as often as the fancy +takes you." + +"Oh, you are very kind, and they did not lie when they told me so." + +"Here," continued he, "sweetheart; the butler, the chaplain, the +treasurer, the equerry, the farrier, the bailiff, even the Sire de +Montsoreau, the young varlet whose name is Gauttier and bears my +banner, with his men at arms, captains, followers, and beasts--all are +yours, and will instantly obey your orders under pain of being +incommoded with a hempen collar." + +"But," replied she, "this mysterious operation--cannot it be performed +immediately?" + +"Oh no!" replied the seneschal. "Because it is necessary above all +things that both the one and the other of us should be in a state of +grace before God; otherwise we should have a bad child, full of sin; +which is forbidden by the canons of the church. This is the reason +that there are so many incorrigible scapegraces in the world. Their +parents have not wisely waited to have their souls pure, and have +given wicked souls to their children. The beautiful and the virtuous +come of immaculate fathers; that is why we cause our beds to be +blessed, as the Abbot of Marmoustiers has done this one. Have you not +transgressed the ordinances of the Church?" + +"Oh no," said she, quickly, "I received before Mass absolution for all +my faults and have remained since without committing the slightest +sin." + +"You are very perfect," said the cunning lord, "and I am delighted to +have you for a wife; but I have sworn like an infidel." + +"Oh! and why?" + +"Because the dancing did not finish, and I could not have you to +myself to bring you here and kiss you." + +Thereupon he gallantly took her hands and covered them with kisses, +whispering to her little endearments and superficial words of +affection which made her quite pleased and contented. + +Then, fatigued with the dance and all the ceremonies, she settled down +to her slumbers, saying to the seneschal-- + +"I will take care tomorrow that you shall not sin," and she left the +old man quite smitten with her white beauty, amorous of her delicate +nature, and as embarrassed to know how he should be able to keep her +in her innocence as to explain why oxen chew their food twice over. +Although he did not augur to himself any good therefrom, it inflamed +him so much to see the exquisite perfections of Blanche during her +innocent and gentle sleep, that he resolved to preserve and defend +this pretty jewel of love. With tears in his eyes he kissed her sweet +golden tresses, the beautiful eyelids, and her ripe red mouth, and he +did it softly for fear of waking her. There was all his fruition, the +dumb delight which still inflamed his heart without in the least +affecting Blanche. Then he deplored the snows of his leafless old age, +the poor old man, that he saw clearly that God had amused himself by +giving him nuts when his teeth were gone. + + + +HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY. + +During the first days of his marriage the seneschal imprinted many +fibs to tell his wife, whose so estimable innocence he abused. +Firstly, he found in his judicial functions good excuses for leaving +her at times alone; then he occupied himself with the peasants of the +neighbourhood, and took them to dress the vines on his lands at +Vouvray, and at length pampered her up with a thousand absurd tales. + +At one time he would say that lords did not behave like common people, +that the children were only planted at certain celestial conjunctions +ascertained by learned astrologers; at another that one should abstain +from begetting children on feast days, because it was a great +undertaking; and he observed the feasts like a man who wished to enter +into Paradise without consent. Sometimes he would pretend that if by +chance the parents were not in a state of grace, the children +commenced on the date of St. Claire would be blind, of St. Gatien had +the gout, of St. Agnes were scaldheaded, of St. Roch had the plague; +sometimes that those begotten in February were chilly; in March, too +turbulent; in April, were worth nothing at all; and that handsome boys +were conceived in May. In short, he wished his child to be perfect, to +have his hair of two colours; and for this it was necessary that all +the required conditions should be observed. At other times he would +say to Blanche that the right of a man was to bestow a child upon his +wife according to his sole and unique will, and that if she pretended +to be a virtuous woman she should conform to the wishes of her +husband; in fact it was necessary to await the return of the Lady of +Azay in order that she should assist at the confinement; from all of +which Blanche concluded that the seneschal was annoyed by her +requests, and was perhaps right, since he was old and full of +experience; so she submitted herself and thought no more, except to +herself, of this so much-desired child, that is to say, she was always +thinking of it, like a woman who has a desire in her head, without +suspecting that she was behaving like a gay lady or a town-walker +running after her enjoyment. One evening, by accident, Bruyn spoke of +children, a discourse that he avoided as cats avoid water, but he was +complaining of a boy condemned by him that morning for great misdeeds, +saying for certain he was the offspring of people laden with mortal +sins. + +"Alas!" said Blanche, "if you will give me one, although you have not +got absolution, I will correct so well that you will be pleased with +him." + +Then the count saw that his wife was bitten by a warm desire, and that +it was time to dissipate her innocence in order to make himself master +of it, to conquer it, to beat it, or to appease and extinguish it. + +"What, my dear, you wish to be a mother?" said he; "you do not yet +know the business of a wife, you are not accustomed to being mistress +of the house." + +"Oh! Oh!" said she, "to be a perfect countess, and have in my loins a +little count, must I play the great lady? I will do it, and +thoroughly." + +Then Blanche, in order to obtain issue, began to hunt the fawns and +stags, leaping the ditches, galloping upon her mare over valleys and +mountain, through the woods and the fields, taking great delight in +watching the falcons fly, in unhooding them and while hunting always +carried them gracefully upon her little wrist, which was what the +seneschal had desired. But in this pursuit, Blanche gained an appetite +of nun and prelate, that is to say, wished to procreate, had her +desires whetted, and could scarcely restrain her hunger, when on her +return she gave play to her teeth. Now by reason of reading the +legends written by the way, and of separating by death the embraces of +birds and wild beasts, she discovered a mystery of natural alchemy, +while colouring her complexion, and superagitating her feeble +imagination, which did little to pacify her warlike nature, and +strongly tickled her desire which laughed, played, and frisked +unmistakably. The seneschal thought to disarm the rebellious virtue of +his wife by making her scour the country; but his fraud turned out +badly, for the unknown lust that circulated in the veins of Blanche +emerged from these assaults more hardy than before, inviting jousts +and tourneys as the herald the armed knight. + +The good lord saw then that he had grossly erred and that he was now +upon the horns of a dilemma; also he no longer knew what course to +adopt; the longer he left it the more it would resist. From this +combat, there must result one conquered and one contused--a diabolical +contusion which he wished to keep distant from his physiognomy by +God's help until after his death. The poor seneschal had already great +trouble to follow his lady to the chase, without being dismounted; he +sweated under the weight of his trappings, and almost expired in that +pursuit wherein his frisky wife cheered her life and took great +pleasure. Many times in the evening she wished to dance. Now the good +man, swathed in his heavy clothing, found himself quite worn out with +these exercises, in which he was constrained to participate either in +giving her his hand, when she performed the vaults of the Moorish +girl, or in holding the lighted fagot for her, when she had a fancy to +do the torchlight dance; and in spite of his sciaticas, accretions, +and rheumatisms, he was obliged to smile and say to her some gentle +words and gallantries after all the evolutions, mummeries, and comic +pantomimes, which she indulged in to divert herself; for he loved her +so madly that if she had asked him for an impossibility he would have +sought one for her immediately. + +Nevertheless, one fine day he recognised the fact that his frame was +in a state of too great debility to struggle with the vigorous nature +of his wife, and humiliating himself before his wife's virtue he +resolved to let things take their course, relying a little upon the +modesty, religion, and bashfulness of Blanche, but he always slept +with one eye open, for he suspected that God had perhaps made +virginities to be taken like partridges, to be spitted and roasted. +One wet morning, when the weather was that in which the snails make +their tracks, a melancholy time, and suitable to reverie, Blanche was +in the house sitting in her chair in deep thought, because nothing +produces more lively concoctions of the substantive essences, and no +receipt, specific or philter is more penetrating, transpiercing or +doubly transpiercing and titillating than the subtle warmth which +simmers between the nap of the chair and a maiden sitting during +certain weather. + +Now without knowing it the Countess was incommoded by her innocence, +which gave more trouble than it was worth to her brain, and gnawed her +all over. Then the good man, seriously grieved to see her languishing, +wished to drive away the thoughts which were ultra-conjugal principles +of love. + +"Whence comes your sadness, sweetheart?" said he. + +"From shame." + +"What then affronts you?" + +"The not being a good woman; because I am without a child, and you +without lineage! Is one a lady without progeny? Nay! Look! . . . All +my neighbours have it, and I was married to have it, as you to give it +to me; the nobles of Touraine are all amply furnished with children, +and their wives give them lapfuls, you alone have none, they laugh at +you there. What will become of your name and your fiefs and your +seigniories? A child is our natural company; it is a delight to us to +make a fright of it, to fondle it, to swaddle it, to dress and undress +it, to cuddle it, to sing it lullabies, to cradle it, to get it up, to +put it to bed, and to nourish it, and I feel that if I had only the +half of one, I would kiss it, swaddle it, and unharness it, and I +would make it jump and crow all day long, as the other ladies do." + +"Were it not that in giving them birth women die, and that for this +you are still too delicate and too close in the bud, you would already +be a mother," replied the seneschal, made giddy with the flow of +words. "But will you buy one ready-made?--that will cost you neither +pain nor labour." + +"But," said she, "I want the pain and labour, without which it will +not be ours. I know very well it should be the fruit of my body, +because at church they say that Jesus was the fruit of the Virgin's +womb." + +"Very well, then pray God that it may be so," cried the seneschal, +"and intercede with the Virgin of Egrignolles. Many a lady has +conceived after the neuvaine; you must not fail to do one." + +Then the same day Blanche set out towards Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles, +decked out like a queen riding her beautiful mare, having on her a +robe of green velvet, laced down with fine gold lace, open at the +breast, having sleeves of scarlet, little shoes and a high hat +ornamented with precious stones, and a gold waistband that showed off +her little waist, as slim as a pole. She wished to give her dress to +Madame the Virgin, and in fact promised it to her, for the day of her +churching. The Sire de Montsoreau galloped before her, his eye bright +as that of a hawk, keeping the people back and guarding with his +knights the security of the journey. Near Marmoustiers the seneschal, +rendered sleepy by the heat, seeing it was the month of August, +waggled about in his saddle, like a diadem upon the head of a cow, and +seeing so frolicsome and so pretty a lady by the side of so old a +fellow, a peasant girl, who was squatting near the trunk of a tree and +drinking water out of her stone jug inquired of a toothless old hag, +who picked up a trifle by gleaning, if this princess was going to bury +her dead. + +"Nay," said the old woman, "it is our lady of Roche-Corbon, wife of +the seneschal of Poitou and Touraine, in quest of a child." + +"Ah! Ah!" said the young girl, laughing like a fly just satisfied; +then pointing to the handsome knight who was at the head of the +procession--"he who marches at the head would manage that; she would +save the wax-candles and the vow." + +"Ha! my little one," replied the hag, "I am rather surprised that she +should go to Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles seeing that there are no +handsome priests there. She might very well stop for a short time +beneath the shadow the belfry of Marmoustiers; she would soon be +fertile, those good fathers are so lively." + +"By a nun's oath!" said a tramp walking up, "look; the Sire de +Montsoreau is lively and delicate enough to open the lady's heart, the +more so as he is well formed to do so." + +And all commenced a laugh. The Sire de Montsoreau wished to go to them +and hang them in lime-tree by the road as a punishment for their bad +words, but Blanche cried out quickly-- + +"Oh, sir, do not hang them yet. They have not said all they mean; and +we shall see them on our return." + +She blushed, and the Sire de Montsoreau looked at her eagerly, as +though to shoot into her the mystic comprehensions of love, but the +clearing out of her intelligence had already been commenced by the +sayings of the peasants which were fructifying in her understanding-- +her innocence was like touchwood, there was only need for a word to +inflame it. + +Thus Blanche perceived now the notable and physical differences +between the qualities of her old husband and perfections of the said +Gauttier, a gentleman who was not over affected with his twenty-three +years, but held himself upright as a ninepin in the saddle, and as +wide-awake as the matin chimes, while in contrast to him, slept the +seneschal; he had courage and dexterity there where his master failed. +He was one of those smart fellows whom the jades would sooner wear at +night than a leathern garment, because they then no longer fear the +fleas; there are some who vituperate them, but no one should be +blamed, because every one should sleep as he likes. + +So much did the seneschal's lady think, and so imperially well, that +by the time she arrived at the bridge of Tours, she loved Gauttier +secretly, as a maiden loves, without suspecting that it is love. From +that she became a proper woman, that is to say, she desired the good +of others, the best that men have, she fell into a fit of love- +sickness, going at the first jump to the depth of her misery, seeing +that all is flame between the first coveting and the last desire, and +she knew not how she then learned that by the eyes can flow in a +subtle essence, causing such powerful corrosions in all the veins of +the body, recesses of the heart, nerves of the members, roots of the +hair, perspiration of the substance, limbo of the brain, orifices of +the epidermis, windings of the pluck, tubes of the hypochondriac and +other channels which in her was suddenly dilated, heated, tickled, +envenomed, clawed, harrowed, and disturbed, as if she had a basketful +of needles in her inside. This was a maiden's desire, a well- +conditioned desire, which troubled her sight to such a degree that she +no longer saw her old spouse, but clearly the young Gauttier, whose +nature was as ample as the glorious chin of an abbot. When the good +man entered Tours the Ah! Ah! of the crowd woke him up, and he came +with great pomp with his suite to the Church of Notre-Dame de +l'Egrignolles, formerly called la greigneur, as if you said that which +has the most merit. Blanche went into the chapel where children are +asked to God and of the Virgin, and went there alone, as was the +custom, always however in the presence of the seneschal, of his +varlets and the loiterers who remained outside the grill. When the +countess saw the priest come who had charge of the masses said for +children, and who received the said vows, she asked him if there were +many barren women. To which the good priest replied, that he must not +complain, and that the children were good revenue to the Church. + +"And do you often see," said Blanche, "young women with such old +husbands as my lord?" + +"Rarely," said he. + +"But have those obtained offspring?" + +"Always," replied the priest smiling. + +"And the others whose companions are not so old?" + +"Sometimes." + +"Oh! Oh!" said she, "there is more certainty then with one like the +seneschal?" + +"To be sure," said the priest. + +"Why?" said she. + +"Madame," gravely replied priest, "before that age God alone +interferes with the affair, after, it is the men." + +At this time it was a true thing that all the wisdom had gone to the +clergy. Blanch made her vow, which was a very profitable one, seeing +that her decorations were worth quite two thousand gold crowns. + +"You are very joyful!" said the old seneschal to her when on the home +journey she made her mare prance, jump, and frisk. + +"Yes, yes!" said she. "There is no longer any doubt about my having a +child, because any one can help me, the priest said: I shall take +Gauttier." + +The seneschal wished to go and slay the monk, but he thought that was +a crime which would cost him too much, and he resolved cunningly to +arrange his vengeance with the help of the archbishop; and before the +housetops of Roche-Corbon came in sight he had ordered the Sire de +Montsoreau to seek a little retirement in his own country, which the +young Gauttier did, knowing the ways of the lord. The seneschal put in +the place of the said Gauttier the son of the Sire de Jallanges, whose +fief was held from Roche-Corbon. He was a young boy named Rene, +approaching fourteen years, and he made him a page, awaiting the time +when he should be old enough to be an equerry, and gave the command of +his men to an old cripple, with whom he had knocked about a great deal +in Palestine and other places. Thus the good man believed he would +avoid the horned trappings of cuckoldom, and would still be able to +girth, bridle, and curb the factious innocence of his wife, which +struggled like a mule held by a rope. + + +THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN. + +The Sunday following the arrival of Rene at the manor of Roche-Corbon, +Blanche went out hunting without her goodman, and when she was in the +forest near Les Carneaux, saw a monk who appeared to be pushing a girl +about more than was necessary, and spurred on her horse, saying to her +people, "Ho there! Don't let him kill her." But when the seneschal's +lady arrived close to them, she turned her horse's head quickly and +the sight she beheld prevented her from hunting. She came back +pensive, and then the lantern of her intelligence opened, and received +a bright light, which made a thousand things clear, such as church and +other pictures, fables, and lays of the troubadours, or the domestic +arrangements of birds; suddenly she discovered the sweet mystery of +love written in all languages, even in that of the Carps'. Is it not +silly thus to seal this science from maidens? Soon Blanche went to +bed, and soon said she to the seneschal-- + +"Bruyn, you have deceived me, you ought to behave as the monk of the +Carneaux behaved to the girl." + +Old Bruyn suspected the adventure, and saw well that his evil hour was +at hand. He regarded Blanche with too much fire in his eyes for the +same ardour to be lower down, and answered her softly-- + +"Alas! sweetheart, in taking you for my wife I had more love than +strength, and I have taken advantage of your clemency and virtue. The +great sorrow of my life is to feel all my capability in my heart only. +This sorrow hastens my death little by little, so that you will soon +be free. Wait for my departure from this world. That is the sole +request that he makes of you, he who is your master, and who could +command you, but who wishes only to be your prime minister and slave. +Do not betray the honour of my white hairs! Under these circumstances +there have been lords who have slain their wives. + +"Alas! you will not kill me?" said she. + +"No," replied the old man, "I love thee too much, little one; why, +thou art the flower of my old age, the joy of my soul. Thou art my +well-beloved daughter; the sight of thee does good to mine eyes, and +from thee I could endure anything, be it a sorrow or a joy, provided +that thou does not curse too much the poor Bruyn who has made thee a +great lady, rich and honoured. Wilt thou not be a lovely widow? And +thy happiness will soften the pangs of death." + +And he found in his dried-up eyes still one tear which trickled quite +warm down his fir-cone coloured face, and fell upon the hand of +Blanche, who, grieved to behold this great love of her old spouse who +would put himself under the ground to please her, said laughingly-- + +"There! there! don't cry, I will wait." + +Thereupon the seneschal kissed her hands and regaled her with little +endearments, saying with a voice quivering with emotion-- + +"If you knew, Blanche my darling, how I devour thee in thy sleep with +caresses, now here, now there!" And the old ape patted her with his +two hands, which were nothing but bones. And he continued, "I dared +not waken the cat that would have strangled my happiness, since at +this occupation of love I only embraced with my heart." + +"Ah!" replied she, "you can fondle me thus even when my eyes are open; +that has not the least effect upon me." + +At these words the poor seneschal, taking the little dagger which was +on the table by the bed, gave it to her, saying with passion-- + +"My darling, kill me, or let me believe that you love me a little!" + +"Yes, yes," said she, quite frightened, "I will try to love you much." + +Behold how this young maidenhood made itself master of this old man +and subdued him, for in the name of the sweet face of Venus, Blanche, +endowed with the natural artfulness of women, made her old Bruyn come +and go like a miller's mule. + +"My good Bruyn, I want this! Bruyn, I want that--go on Bruyn!" Bruyn! +Bruyn! And always Bruyn in such a way that Bruyn was more worn-out by +the clemency of his wife than he would have been by her unkindness. +She turned his brain wishing that everything should be in scarlet, +making him turn everything topsy-turvy at the least movement of her +eyebrow, and when she was sad the seneschal distracted, would say to +everything from his judicial seat, "Hang him!" Another would have died +like a fly at this conflict with the maid's innocence, but Bruyn was +of such an iron nature that it was difficult to finish him off. One +evening that Blanche had turned the house upside-down, upset the men +and the beasts, and would by her aggravating humour have made the +eternal father desperate--he who has such an infinite treasure of +patience since he endures us--she said to the seneschal while getting +into bed, "My good Bruyn, I have low down fancies, that bite and prick +me; thence they rise into my heart, inflame my brain, incite me +therein to evil deeds, and in the night I dream of the monk of the +Carneaux." + +"My dear," replied the seneschal, "these are devilries and temptations +against which the monks and nuns know how to defend themselves. If you +will gain salvation, go and confess to the worthy Abbot of +Marmoustiers, our neighbour; he will advise you well and will holily +direct you in the good way." + +"Tomorrow I will go," said she. + +And indeed directly it was day, she trotted off to the monastery of +the good brethren, who marvelled to see among them so pretty a lady; +committed more than one sin through her in the evening; and for the +present led her with great ceremony to their reverend abbot. + +Blanche found the said good man in a private garden near the high rock +under a flower arcade, and remained stricken with respect at the +countenance of the holy man, although she was accustomed not to think +much of grey hairs. + +"God preserve you, Madame; what can you have to seek of one so near +death, you so young?" + +"Your precious advice," said she, saluting him with a courtesy; "and +if it will please you to guide so undutiful a sheep, I shall be well +content to have so wise a confessor." + +"My daughter," answered the monk, with whom old Bruyn had arranged +this hypocrisy and the part to play, "if I had not the chills of a +hundred winters upon this unthatched head, I should not dare to listen +to your sins, but say on; if you enter paradise, it will be through +me." + +Then the seneschal's wife set forth the small fry of her stock in +hand, and when she was purged of her little iniquities, she came to +the postscript of her confession. + +"Ah! my father!" said she, "I must confess to you that I am daily +exercised by the desire to have a child. Is it wrong?" + +"No," said the abbot. + +But she went on, "It is by nature commanded to my husband not to draw +from his wealth to bring about his poverty, as the old women say by +the way." + +"Then," replied the priest, "you must live virtuously and abstain from +all thoughts of this kind." + +"But I have heard it professed by the Lady of Jallanges, that it was +not a sin when from it one derived neither profit nor pleasure." + +"There always is pleasure," said the abbot, "but don't count upon the +child as a profit. Now fix this in your understanding, that it will +always be a mortal sin before God and a crime before men to bring +forth a child through the embraces of a man to whom one is not +ecclesiastically married. Thus those women who offend against the holy +laws of marriage, suffer great penalties in the other world, are in +the power of horrible monsters with sharp and tearing claws, who +thrust them into flaming furnaces in remembrance of the fact that here +below they have warmed their hearts a little more than was lawful." + +Thereupon Blanche scratched her ear, and having thought to herself for +a little while, she said to the priest, "How then did the Virgin +Mary?" + +"Ah!" replied abbot, "that it is a mystery." + +"And what is a mystery?" + +"A thing that cannot be explained, and which one ought to believe +without enquiring into it." + +"Well then," said she, "cannot I perform a mystery?" + +"This one," said the Abbot, "only happened once, because it was the +Son of God." + +"Alas! my father, is it then the will of God that I should die, or +that from wise and sound comprehension my brain should be turned? Of +this there is a great danger. Now in me something moves and excites +me, and I am no longer in my senses. I care for nothing, and to find a +man I would leap the walls, dash over the fields without shame and +tear my things into tatters, only to see that which so much excited +the monk of the Carneaux; and during these passions which work and +prick my mind and body, there is neither God, devil, nor husband. I +spring, I run, I smash up the wash-tubs, the pots, the farm +implements, a fowl-house, the household things, and everything, in a +way that I cannot describe. But I dare not confess to you all my +misdeeds, because speaking of them makes my mouth water, and the thing +with which God curses me makes me itch dreadfully. If this folly bites +and pricks me, and slays my virtue, will God, who has placed this +great love in my body, condemn me to perdition?" + +At this question it was the priest who scratched his ear, quite +dumbfounded by the lamentations, profound wisdom, controversies and +intelligence that this virginity secreted. + +"My daughter," said he, "God has distinguished us from the beasts and +made us a paradise to gain, and for this given us reason, which is a +rudder to steer us against tempests and our ambitious desires, and +there is a means of easing the imaginations of one's brain by fasting, +excessive labours, and other virtues; and instead of frisking and +fretting like a child let loose from school, you should pray to the +virgin, sleep on a hard board, attend to your household duties, and +never be idle." + +"Ah! my father, when I am at church in my seat, I see neither the +priest nor the altar, only the infant Jesus, who brings the thing into +my head. But to finish, if my head is turned and my mind wanders, I am +in the lime-twigs of love." + +"If thus you were," said the abbot, imprudently, "you would be in the +position of Saint Lidoire, who in a deep sleep one day, one leg here +and one leg there, through the great heat and scantily attired, was +approached by a young man full of mischief, who dexterously seduced +her, and as of this trick the saint was thoroughly ignorant, and much +surprised at being brought to bed, thinking that her unusual size was +a serious malady, she did penance for it as a venial sin, as she had +no pleasure in this wicked business, according to the statement of the +wicked man, who said upon the scaffold where he was executed, that the +saint had in nowise stirred." + +"Oh, my father," said she, "be sure that I should not stir more than +she did!" + +With this statement she went away prettily and gracefully, smiling and +thinking how she could commit a venial sin. On her return from the +great monastery, she saw in the courtyard of her castle the little +Jallanges, who under the superintendence of an old groom was turning +and wheeling about on a fine horse, bending with the movements of the +animal, dismounting and mounting again with vaults and leaps most +gracefully, and with lissome thighs, so pretty, so dextrous, so +upright as to be indescribable, so much so, that he would have made +the Queen Lucrece long for him, she who killed herself from having +been contaminated against her will. + +"Ah!" said Blanche, "if only this page were fifteen, I would go to +sleep comfortably very near to him." + +Then, in spite of the too great youth of this charming servitor, +during the collation and supper, she eyed frequently the black hair, +the white skin, the grace of Rene, above all his eyes, where was an +abundance of limpid warmth and a great fire of life, which he was +afraid to shoot out--child that he was. + +Now in the evening, as the seneschal's wife sat thoughtfully in her +chair in the corner of the fireplace, old Bruyn interrogated her as to +her trouble. + +"I am thinking." said she, "that you must have fought the battles of +love very early, to be thus completely broken up." + +"Oh!" smiled he, smiling like all old men questioned upon their +amorous remembrances, "at the age of thirteen and a half I had +overcome the scruples of my mother's waiting woman." + +Blanche wished to hear nothing more, but believed the page Rene should +be equally advanced, and she was quite joyous and practised little +allurements on the good man, and wallowed silently in her desire, like +a cake which is being floured. + + +HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED. + +The seneschal's wife did not think long over the best way quickly to +awaken the love of the page, and had soon discovered the natural +ambuscade in the which the most wary are taken. This is how: at the +warmest hour of the day the good man took his siesta after the Saracen +fashion, a habit in which he had never failed, since his return from +the Holy Land. During this time Blanche was alone in the grounds, +where the women work at their minor occupations, such as broidering +and stitching, and often remained in the rooms looking after the +washing, putting the clothes tidy, or running about at will. Then she +appointed this quiet hour to complete the education of the page, +making him read books and say his prayers. Now on the morrow, when at +the mid-day hour the seneschal slept, succumbing to the sun which +warms with its most luminous rays the slopes of Roche-Corbon, so much +so that one is obliged to sleep, unless annoyed, upset, and +continually roused by a devil of a young woman. Blanche then +gracefully perched herself in the great seignorial chair of her good +man, which she did not find any too high, since she counted upon the +chances of perspective. The cunning jade settled herself dextrously +therein, like a swallow in its nest, and leaned her head maliciously +upon her arm like a child that sleeps; but in making her preparations +she opened fond eyes, that smiled and winked in advance of the little +secret thrills, sneezes, squints, and trances of the page who was +about to lie at her feet, separated from her by the jump of an old +flea; and in fact she advanced so much and so near the square of +velvet where the poor child should kneel, whose life and soul she +trifled with, that had he been a saint of stone, his glance would have +been constrained to follow the flexousities of the dress in order to +admire and re-admire the perfections and beauties of the shapely leg, +which moulded the white stocking of the seneschal's lady. Thus it was +certain that a weak varlet would be taken in the snare, wherein the +most vigorous knight would willingly have succumbed. When she had +turned, returned, placed and displaced her body, and found the +situation in which the page would be most comfortable, she cried, +gently. "Rene!" Rene, whom she knew well was in the guard-room, did +not fail to run in and quickly thrust his brown head between the +tapestries of the door. + +"What do you please to wish?" said the page. And he held with great +respect in his hand his shaggy scarlet cap, less red than his fresh +dimpled cheeks. + +"Come hither," replied she, under her breath, for the child attracted +her so strongly that she was quite overcome. + +And forsooth there were no jewels so sparkling as the eyes of Rene, no +vellum whiter than his skin, no woman more exquisite in shape--and so +near to her desire, she found him still more sweetly formed--and was +certain that the merry frolics of love would radiate well from this +youth, the warm sun, the silence, et cetera. + +"Read me the litanies of Madame the Virgin," said she to him, pushing +an open book him on her prieu-dieu. "Let me see if you are well taught +by your master." + +"Do you not think the Virgin beautiful?" asked she of him, smiling +when he held the illuminated prayer-book in which glowed the silver +and gold. + +"It is a painting," replied he, timidly, and casting a little glance +upon his so gracious mistress. + +"Read! read!" + +Then Rene began to recite the so sweet and so mystic litanies; but you +may imagine that the "Ora pro nobis" of Blanche became still fainter +and fainter, like the sound of the horn in the woodlands, and when the +page went on, "Oh, Rose of mystery," the lady, who certainly heard +distinctly, replied by a gentle sigh. Thereupon Rene suspected that +his mistress slept. Then he commenced to cover her with his regard, +admiring her at his leisure, and had then no wish to utter any anthem +save the anthem of love. His happiness made his heart leap and bound +into his throat; thus, as was but natural, these two innocents burned +one against the other, but if they could have foreseen never would +have intermingled. Rene feasted his eyes, planning in his mind a +thousand fruitions of love that brought the water into his mouth. In +his ecstasy he let his book fall, which made him feel as sheepish as a +monk surprised at a child's tricks; but also from that he knew that +Blanche was sound asleep, for she did not stir, and the wily jade +would not have opened her eyes even at the greatest dangers, and +reckoned on something else falling as well as the book of prayer. + +There is no worse longing than the longing of a woman in certain +condition. Now, the page noticed his lady's foot, which was delicately +slippered in a little shoe of a delicate blue colour. She had +angularly placed it on a footstool, since she was too high in the +seneschal's chair. This foot was of narrow proportions, delicately +curved, as broad as two fingers, and as long as a sparrow, tail +included, small at the top--a true foot of delight, a virginal foot +that merited a kiss as a robber does the gallows; a roguish foot; a +foot wanton enough to damn an archangel; an ominous foot; a devilishly +enticing foot, which gave one a desire to make two new ones just like +it to perpetuate in this lower world the glorious works of God. The +page was tempted to take the shoe from this persuasive foot. To +accomplish this his eyes glowing with the fire of his age, went +swiftly, like the clapper of a bell, from this said foot of +delectation to the sleeping countenance of his lady and mistress, +listening to her slumber, drinking in her respiration again and again, +it did not know where it would be sweetest to plant a kiss--whether on +the ripe red lips of the seneschal's wife or on this speaking foot. At +length, from respect or fear, or perhaps from great love, he chose the +foot, and kissed it hastily, like a maiden who dares not. Then +immediately he took up his book, feeling his red cheeks redder still, +and exercised with his pleasure, he cried like a blind man--"Janua +coeli,: gate of Heaven." But Blanche did not move, making sure that +the page would go from foot to knee, and thence to "Janua coeli,: gate +of Heaven." She was greatly disappointed when the litanies finished +without any other mischief, and Rene, believing he had had enough +happiness for one day, ran out of the room quite lively, richer from +this hardy kiss than a robber who has robbed the poor-box. + +When the seneschal's lady was alone, she thought to herself that this +page would be rather a long time at his task if he amused himself with +the singing of the Magnificat at matins. Then she determined on the +morrow to raise her foot a little, and then to bring to light those +hidden beauties that are called perfect in Touraine, because they take +no hurt in the open air, and are always fresh. You can imagine that +the page, burned by his desire and his imagination, heated by the day +before, awaited impatiently the hour to read in this breviary of +gallantry, and was called; and the conspiracy of the litanies +commenced again, and Blanche did not fail to fall asleep. This time +the said Rene fondled with his hand the pretty limb, and even ventured +so far as to verify if the polished knee and its surroundings were +satin. At this sight the poor child, armed against his desire, so +great was his fear, dared only to make brief devotion and curt +caresses, and although he kissed softly this fair surface, he remained +bashful, the which, feeling by the senses of her soul and the +intelligence of her body, the seneschal's lady who took great care not +to move, called out to him--"Ah, Rene, I am asleep." + +Hearing what he believed to be a stern reproach, the page frightened +ran away, leaving the books, the task, and all. Thereupon, the +seneschal's better half added this prayer to the litany--"Holy Virgin, +how difficult children are to make." + +At dinner her page perspired all down his back while waiting on his +lady and her lord; but he was very much surprised when he received +from Blanche the most shameless of all glances that ever woman cast, +and very pleasant and powerful it was, seeing that it changed this +child into a man of courage. Now, the same evening Bruyn staying a +little longer than was his custom in his own apartment, the page went +in search of Blanche, and found her asleep, and made her dream a +beautiful dream. + +He knocked off the chains that weighed so heavily upon her, and so +plentifully bestowed upon her the sweets of love, that the surplus +would have sufficed to render to others blessed with the joys of +maternity. So then the minx, seizing the page by the head and +squeezing him to her, cried out--"Oh, Rene! Thou hast awakened me!" + +And in fact there was no sleep could stand against it, and it is +certain that saints must sleep very soundly. From this business, +without any other mystery, and by a benign faculty which is the +assisting principle of spouses, the sweet and graceful plumage, +suitable to cuckolds, was placed upon the head of the good husband +without his experiencing the slightest shock. + +After this sweet repast, the seneschal's lady took kindly to her +siesta after the French fashion, while Bruyn took his according to the +Saracen. But by the said siesta she learned how the good youth of the +page had a better taste than that of the old seneschal, and at night +she buried herself in the sheets far away from her husband, whom she +found strong and stale. And from sleeping and waking up in the day, +from taking siestas and saying litanies, the seneschal's wife felt +growing within her that treasure for which she had so often and so +ardently sighed; but now she liked more the commencement than the +fructifying of it. + +You may be sure that Rene knew how to read, not only in books, but in +the eyes of his sweet lady, for whom he would have leaped into a +flaming pile, had it been her wish he should do so. When well and +amply, more than a hundred times, the train had been laid by them, the +little lady became anxious about her soul and the future of her friend +the page. Now one rainy day, as they were playing at touch-tag, like +two children, innocent from head to foot, Blanche, who was always +caught, said to him-- + +"Come here, Rene; do you know that while I have only committed venial +sins because I was asleep, you have committed mortal ones?" + +"Ah, Madame!" said he, "where then will God stow away all the damned +if that is to sin!" + +Blanche burst out laughing, and kissed his forehead. + +"Be quiet, you naughty boy; it is a question of paradise, and we must +live there together if you wish always to be with me." + +"Oh, my paradise is here." + +"Leave off," said she. "You are a little wretch--a scapegrace who does +not think of that which I love--yourself! You do not know that I am +with child, and that in a little while I shall be no more able to +conceal it than my nose. Now, what will the abbot say? What will my +lord say? He will kill you if he puts himself in a passion. My advice +is little one, that you go to the abbot of Marmoustiers, confess your +sins to him, asking him to see what had better be done concerning my +seneschal. + +"Alas," said the artful page, "if I tell the secret of our joys, he +will put his interdict upon our love." + +"Very likely," said she; "but thy happiness in the other world is a +thing so precious to me." + +"Do you wish it my darling?" + +"Yes," replied she rather faintly. + +"Well, I will go, but sleep again that I may bid you adieu." + +And the couple recited the litany of Farewells as if they had both +foreseen that their love must finish in its April. And on the morrow, +more to save his dear lady than to save himself, and also to obey her, +Rene de Jallanges set out towards the great monastery. + + +HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING. + +"Good God!" cried the abbot, when the page had chanted the Kyrie +eleison of his sweet sins, "thou art the accomplice of a great felony, +and thou has betrayed thy lord. Dost thou know page of darkness, that +for this thou wilt burn through all eternity? and dost thou know what +it is to lose forever the heaven above for a perishable and changeful +moment here below? Unhappy wretch! I see thee precipitated for ever in +the gulfs of hell unless thou payest to God in this world that which +thou owest him for such offence." + +Thereupon the good old abbot, who was of that flesh of which saints +are made, and who had great authority in the country of Touraine, +terrified the young man by a heap of representations, Christian +discourses, remembrances of the commandments of the Church, and a +thousand eloquent things--as many as a devil could say in six weeks to +seduce a maiden--but so many that Rene, who was in the loyal fervour +of innocence, made his submission to the good abbot. The said abbot, +wishing to make forever a good and virtuous man of this child, now in +a fair way to be a wicked one, commanded him first to go and prostrate +himself before his lord, to confess his conduct to him, and then if he +escaped from this confession, to depart instantly for the Crusades, +and go straight to the Holy Land, where he should remain fifteen years +of the time appointed to give battle to the Infidels. + +"Alas, my reverend father," said he, quite unmoved, "will fifteen +years be enough to acquit me of so much pleasure? Ah! If you knew, I +have had joy enough for a thousand years." + +"God will be generous. Go," replied the old abbot, "and sin no more. +On this account ego te absolvo." + +Poor Rene returned thereupon with great contrition to the castle of +Roche-Corbon and the first person he met was the seneschal, who was +polishing up his arms, helmets, gauntlets, and other things. He was +sitting on a great marble bench in the open air, and was amusing +himself by making shine again the splendid trappings which brought +back to him the merry pranks in the Holy Land, the good jokes, and the +wenches, et cetera. When Rene fell upon his knees before him, the good +lord was much astonished. + +"What is it?" said he. + +"My lord," replied Rene, "order these people to retire." + +Which the servants having done, the page confessed his fault, +recounting how he had assailed his lady in her sleep, and that for +certain he had made her a mother in imitation of the man and the +saint, and came by order of the confessor to put himself at the +disposition of the offended person. Having said which, Rene de +Jallanges cast down his lovely eyes, which had produced all the +mischief, and remained abashed, prostrate without fear, his arms +hanging down, his head bare, awaiting his punishment, and humbling +himself to God. The seneschal was not so white that he could not +become whiter, and now he blanched like linen newly dried, remaining +dumb with passion. And this old man who had not in his veins the vital +force to procreate a child, found in this moment of fury more vigour +than was necessary to undo a man. He seized with his hairy right hand +his heavy club, lifted it, brandished it and adjusted it so easily you +could have thought it a bowl at a game of skittles, to bring it down +upon the pale forehead of the said Rene, who knowing that he was +greatly in fault towards his lord, remained placid, and stretching his +neck, thought that he was about to expiate his sin for his sweetheart +in this world and in the other. + +But his fair youth, and all the natural seductions of this sweet +crime, found grace before the tribunal of the heart of this old man, +although Bruyn was still severe, and throwing his club away on to a +dog who was catching beetles, he cried out, "May a thousand million +claws, tear during all eternity, all the entrails of him, who made +him, who planted the oak, that made the chair, on which thou hast +antlered me--and the same to those who engendered thee, cursed page of +misfortune! Get thee to the devil, whence thou camest--go out from +before me, from the castle, from the country, and stay not here one +moment more than is necessary, otherwise I will surely prepare for +thee a death by slow fire that shall make thee curse twenty times an +hour thy villainous and ribald partner!" + +Hearing the commencement of these little speeches of the seneschal, +whose youth came back in his oaths, the page ran away, escaping the +rest: and he did well. Bruyn, burning with a fierce rage, gained the +gardens speedily, reviling everything by the way, striking and +swearing; he even knocked over three large pans held by one of his +servants, was carrying the mess to the dogs, and he was so beside +himself that he would have killed a labourer for a "thank you." He +soon perceived his unmaidenly maiden, who was looking towards the road +to the monastery, waiting for the page, and unaware that she would +never see him again. + +"Ah, my lady! By the devil's red three-pronged fork, am I a swallower +of tarradiddles and a child, to believe that you are so fashioned that +a page can behave in this manner and you not know it? By the death! By +the head! By the blood!" + +"Hold!" she replied, seeing that the mine was sprung, "I knew it well +enough, but as you had not instructed me in these matters I thought +that I was dreaming!" + +The great ire of the seneschal melted like snow in the sun, for the +direst anger of God himself would have vanished at a smile from +Blanche. + +"May a thousand millions of devils carry off this alien child! I swear +that--" + +"There! there! do not swear," said she. "If it is not yours, it is +mine; and the other night did you not tell me you loved everything +that came from me?" + +Thereupon she ran on with such a lot of arguments, hard words, +complaints, quarrels, tears, and other paternosters of women; such as +--firstly the estates would not have to be returned to the king; that +never had a child been brought more innocently into the world, that +this, that that, a thousand things; until the good cuckold relented, +and Blanche, seizing a propitious interruption said-- + +"And where it is the page?" + +"Gone to the devil!" + +"What, have you killed him?" said she. She turned pale and tottered. + +Bruyn did not know what would become of him when he saw thus fall all +the happiness of his old age, and he would to save her have shown her +this page. He ordered him to be sought, but Rene had run off at full +speed, fearing he should be killed; and departed for the lands beyond +the seas, in order to accomplish his vow of religion. When Blanche had +learned from the above-mentioned abbot the penitence imposed upon her +well beloved, she fell into a state of great melancholy, saying at +times, "Where is he, the poor unfortunate, who is in the middle of +great dangers for love of me?" + +And always kept on asking, like a child who gives its mother no rest +until its request be granted it. At these lamentations the poor +seneschal, feeling himself to blame, endeavoured to do a thousand +things, putting one out of the question, in order to make Blanche +happy; but nothing was equal to the sweet caresses of the page. +However, she had one day the child so much desired. You may be sure +that was a fine festival for the good cuckold, for the resemblance to +the father was distinctly engraved upon the face of this sweet fruit +of love. Blanche consoled herself greatly, and picked up again a +little of her old gaiety and flower of innocence, which rejoiced the +aged hours of the seneschal. From constantly seeing the little one run +about, watching its laughs answer those of the countess, he finished +by loving it, and would have been in a great rage with anyone who had +not believed him its father. + +Now as the adventure of Blanche and her page had not been carried +beyond the castle, it was related throughout Touraine that Messire +Bruyn had still found himself sufficiently in funds to afford a child. +Intact remained the virtue of Blanche, and by the quintessence of +instruction drawn by her from the natural reservoir of women, she +recognised how necessary it was to be silent concerning the venial sin +with which her child was covered. So she became modest and good, and +was cited as a virtuous person. And then to make use of him she +experimented on the goodness of her good man, and without giving him +leave to go further than her chin, since she looked upon herself as +belonging to Rene, Blanche, in return for the flowers of age which +Bruyn offered her, coddled him, smiled upon him, kept him merry, and +fondled him with pretty ways and tricks, which good wives bestow upon +the husbands they deceive; and all so well, that the seneschal did not +wish to die, squatted comfortably in his chair, and the more he lived +the more he became partial to life. But to be brief, one night he died +without knowing where he was going, for he said to Blanche, "Ho! ho! +My dear, I see thee no longer! Is it night?" + +It was the death of the just, and he had well merited it as a reward +for his labours in the Holy Land. + +Blanche held for his death a great and true mourning, weeping for him +as one weeps for one's father. She remained melancholy, without +wishing to lend her ear to the music of a second wedding, for which +she was praised by all good people, who knew not that she had a +husband in her heart, a life in hope; but she was the greater part of +her time a widow in fact and widow in heart, because hearing no news +of her lover at the Crusades, the poor Countess reputed him dead, and +during certain nights seeing him wounded and lying at full length, she +would wake up in tears. She lived thus for fourteen years in the +remembrance of one day of happiness. Finally, one day when she had +with her certain ladies of Touraine, and they were talking together +after dinner, behold her little boy, who was at that time about +thirteen and a half, and resembled Rene more than it is allowable for +a child to resemble his father, and had nothing of the Sire Bruyn +about him but his name--behold the little one, a madcap and pretty +like his mother, who came in from the garden, running, perspiring, +panting, jumping, scattering all things in his way, after the uses and +customs of infancy, and who ran straight to his well-beloved mother, +jumping into her lap, and interrupting the conversation, cried out-- + +"Oh, mother I want to speak to you, I have seen in the courtyard a +pilgrim, who squeezed me very tight." + +"Ah!" cried the chatelaine, hurrying towards one of the servants who +had charge of the young count and watched over his precious days, "I +have forbidden you ever to leave my son in the hands of strangers, not +even in those of the holiest man in the world. You quit my service." + +"Alas! my lady," replied the old equerry, quite overcome, "this one +wished him no harm for he wept while kissing him passionately." + +"He wept?" said she; "ah! it's the father." + +Having said which, she leaned her head of upon the chair in which she +was sitting, and which you may be sure was the chair in which she has +sinned. + +Hearing these strange words the ladies was so surprised that at first +they did not perceive that the seneschal's widow was dead, without its +ever been known if her sudden death was caused by her sorrow at the +departure of her lover, who, faithful to his vow, did not wish to see +her, or from great joy at his return and the hope of getting the +interdict removed which the Abbot of Marmoustiers had placed upon +their loves. And there was a great mourning for her, for the Sire de +Jallanges lost his spirits when he saw his lady laid in the ground, +and became a monk of Marmoustiers, which at that time was called by +some Maimoustier, as much as to say Maius Monasterium, the largest +monastery, and it was indeed the finest in all France. + + + +THE KING'S SWEETHEART + +There lived at this time at the forges of the Pont-aux-Change, a +goldsmith whose daughter was talked about in Paris on account of her +great beauty, and renowned above all things for her exceeding +gracefulness. There were those who sought her favours by the usual +tricks of love and, but others offered large sums of money to the +father to give them his daughter in lawful wedlock, the which pleased +him not a little. + +One of his neighbours, a parliamentary advocate, who by selling his +cunning devices to the public had acquired as many lands as a dog has +fleas, took it into his head to offer the said father a domain in +consideration of his consent to this marriage, which he ardently +desired to undertake. To this arrangement our goldsmith was nothing +loth. He bargained away his daughter, without taking into +consideration the fact that her patched-up old suitor had the features +of an ape and had scarcely a tooth in his jaws. The smell which +emanated from his mouth did not however disturb his own nostrils, +although he was filthy and high flavoured, as are all those who pass +their lives amid the smoke of chimneys, yellow parchment, and other +black proceedings. Immediately this sweet girl saw him she exclaimed, +"Great Heaven! I would rather not have him." + +"That concerns me not," said the father, who had taken a violent fancy +to the proffered domain. "I give him to you for a husband. You must +get on as well as you can together. That is his business now, and his +duty is to make himself agreeable to you." + +"Is it so?" said she. "Well then, before I obey your orders I'll let +him know what he may expect." + +And the same evening, after supper, when the love-sick man of law was +pleading his cause, telling her he was mad for her, and promising her +a life of ease and luxury, she taking him up, quickly remarked-- + +"My father had sold me to you, but if you take me, you will make a bad +bargain, seeing that I would rather offer myself to the passers-by +than to you. I promise you a disloyalty that will only finish with +death--yours or mine." + +Then she began to weep, like all young maidens will before they become +experienced, for afterwards they never cry with their eyes. The good +advocate took this strange behaviour for one of those artifices by +which the women seek to fan the flames of love and turn the devotion +of their admirers into the more tender caress and more daring +osculation that speaks a husband's right. So that the knave took +little notice of it, but laughing at the complaints of the charming +creature, asked her to fix the day. + +"To-morrow," replied she, "for the sooner this odious marriage takes +place, the sooner I shall be free to have gallants and to lead the gay +life of those who love where it pleases them." + +Thereupon the foolish fellow--as firmly fixed as a fly in a glue pot-- +went away, made his preparations, spoke at the Palace, ran to the High +Court, bought dispensations, and conducted his purchase more quickly +than he ever done one before, thinking only of the lovely girl. +Meanwhile the king, who had just returned from a journey, heard +nothing spoken of at court but the marvellous beauty of the jeweller's +daughter who had refused a thousand crowns from this one, snubbed that +one; in fact, would yield to no one, but turned up her nose at the +finest young men of the city, gentlemen who would have forfeited their +seat in paradise only to possess one day, this little dragon of +virtue. + +The good king, was a judge of such game, strolled into the town, past +the forges, and entered the goldsmith's shop, for the purpose of +buying jewels for the lady of his heart, but at the same time to +bargain for the most precious jewel in the shop. The king not taking a +fancy to the jewels, or they not being to his taste, the good man +looked in a secret drawer for a big white diamond. + +"Sweetheart," said he, to the daughter, while her father's nose was +buried in the drawer, "sweetheart, you were not made to sell precious +stones, but to receive them, and if you were to give me all the little +rings in the place to choose from, I know one that many here are mad +for; that pleases me; to which I should ever be subject and servant; +and whose price the whole kingdom of France could never pay." + +"Ah!, sire!" replied the maid, "I shall be married to-morrow, but if +you will lend me the dagger that is in your belt, I will defend my +honour, and you shall take it, that the gospel made be observed +wherein it says,'Render unto Caesar the things which be +Caesar's' . . ." + +Immediately the king gave her the little dagger, and her brave reply +rendered him so amorous that he lost his appetite. He had an apartment +prepared, intending to lodge his new lady-love in the Rue a +l'Hirundelle, in one of his palaces. + +And now behold my advocate, in a great hurry to get married, to the +disgust of his rivals, the leading his bride to the altar to the clang +of bells and the sound of music, so timed as to provoke the qualms of +diarrhoea. In the evening, after the ball, comes he into the nuptial +chamber, where should be reposing his lovely bride. No longer is she a +lovely bride--but a fury--a wild she-devil, who, seated in an +armchair, refuses her share of her lord's couch, and sits defiantly +before the fire warming at the same time her ire and her calves. The +good husband, quite astonished, kneels down gently before her, +inviting her to the first passage of arms in that charming battle +which heralds a first night of love; but she utters not a word, and +when he tries to raise her garment, only just to glance at the charms +that have cost him so dear, she gives him a slap that makes his bones +rattle, and refuses to utter a syllable. + +This amusement, however, by no means displeased our friend the +advocate, who saw at the end of his troubles that which you can as +well imagine as he did; so played he his share of the game manfully, +taking cheerfully the punishment bestowed upon him. By so much +hustling about, scuffling, and struggling he managed at last to tear +away a sleeve, to slit a petticoat, until he was able to place his +hand upon his own property. This bold endeavour brought Madame to her +feet and drawing the king's dagger, "What would you with me?" she +cried. + +"Everything," answered he. + +"Ha! I should be a great fool to give myself against my inclination! +If you fancied you would find my virtue unarmed you made a great +error. Behold the poniard of the king, with which I will kill you if +you make the semblance of a step towards me." + +So saying, she took a cinder, and having still her eyes upon her lord +she drew a circle on the floor, adding, "These are the confines of the +king's domain. Beware how you pass them." + +The advocate, with whose ideas of love-making the dagger sadly +interfered, stood quite discomfited, but at the same time he heard the +cruel speech of his tormentor he caught sight through the slits and +tears in her robe of a sweet sample of a plump white thigh, and such +voluptuous specimens of hidden mysteries, et cetera, that death seemed +sweet to him if he could only taste of them a little. So that he +rushed within the domain of the king, saying, "I mind not death." In +fact he came with such force that his charmer fell backwards onto the +bed, but keeping her presence of mind she defended herself so +gallantly that the advocate enjoyed no further advantage than a knock +at the door that would not admit him, and he gained as well a little +stab from the poniard which did not wound him deeply, so that it did +not cost him very dearly, his attack upon the realm of his sovereign. +But maddened with this slight advantage, he cried, "I cannot live +without the possession of that lovely body, and those marvels of love. +Kill me then!" And again he attacked the royal preserves. The young +beauty, whose head was full of the king, was not even touched by this +great love, said gravely, "If you menace me further, it is not you but +myself I will kill." She glared at him so savagely that the poor man +was quite terrified, and commenced to deplore the evil hour in which +he had taken her to wife, and thus the night which should have been so +joyous, was passed in tears, lamentations, prayers, and ejaculations. +In vain he tempted her with promises; she should eat out of gold, she +should be a great lady, he would buy houses and lands for her. Oh! if +she would only let him break one lance with her in the sweet conflict +of love, he would leave her for ever and pass the remainder of his +life according to her fantasy. But she, still unyielding, said she +would permit him to die, and that was the only thing he could do to +please her. + +"I have not deceived you," said she. "Agreeable to my promise, I shall +give myself to the king, making you a present of the peddler, chance +passers, and street loungers with whom I threatened you." + +When the day broke she put on her wedding garments and waited +patiently till the poor husband had to depart to his office client's +business, and then ran out into the town to seek the king. But she had +not gone a bow-shot from the house before one of the king's servants +who had watched the house from dawn, stopped her with the question-- + +"Do you seek the king?" + +"Yes," said she. + +"Good; then allow me to be your good friend," said the subtle +courtier. "I ask your aid and protection, as now I give you mine." + +With that he told her what sort of a man the king was, which was his +weak side, that he was passionate one day and silent the next, that +she would luxuriously lodged and well kept, but that she must keep the +king well in hand; in short, he chatted so pleasantly that the time +passed quickly until she found herself in the Hotel de l'Hirundelle +where afterwards lived Madame d'Estampes. The poor husband shed +scalding tears, when he found his little bird had flown, and became +melancholy and pensive. His friends and neighbours edified his ears +with as many taunts and jeers as Saint Jacques had the honour of +receiving in Compostella, but the poor fellow took it so to heart, +that at last they tried rather to assuage his grief. These artful +compeers by a species of legal chicanery, decreed that the good man +was not a cuckold, seeing that his wife had refused a consummation, +and if the planter of horns had been anyone but the king, the said +marriage might have been dissolved; but the amorous spouse was +wretched unto death at my lady's trick. However, he left her to the +king, determining one day to have her to himself, and thinking that a +life-long shame would not be too dear a payment for a night with her. +One must love well to love like that, eh? and there are many worldly +ones, who mock at such affection. But he, still thinking of her, +neglected his cases and his clients, his robberies and everything. He +went to the palace like a miser searching for a lost sixpence, bowed +down, melancholy, and absent-minded, so much so, that one day he +relieved himself against the robe of a counsellor, believing all the +while he stood against a wall. Meanwhile the beautiful girl was loved +night and day by the king, who could not tear himself from her +embraces, because in amorous play she was so excellent, knowing as +well how to fan the flame of love as to extinguish it--to-day snubbing +him, to-morrow petting him, never the same, and with it a thousand +little tricks to charm the ardent lover. + +A lord of Bridore killed himself through her, because she would not +receive his embraces, although he offered her his land, Bridore in +Touraine. Of these gallants of Touraine, who gave an estate for one +tilt with love's lance, there are none left. This death made the fair +one sad, and since her confessor laid the blame of it upon her, she +determined for the future to accept all domains and secretly ease +their owner's amorous pains for the better saving of their souls from +perdition. 'Twas thus she commenced to build up that great fortune +which made her a person of consideration in the town. By this means +she prevented many gallant gentlemen from perishing, playing her game +so well, and inventing such fine stories, that his Majesty little +guessed how much she aided him in securing the happiness of his +subjects. The fact is, she has such a hold over him that she could +have made him believe the floor was the ceiling, which was perhaps +easier for him to think than anyone else seeing that at the Rue +d'Hirundelle my lord king passed the greater portion of his time +embracing her always as though he would see if such a lovely article +would wear away: but he wore himself out first, poor man, seeing that +he eventually died from excess of love. Although she took care to +grant her favours only to the best and noblest in the court, and that +such occasions were rare as miracles, there were not wanting those +among her enemies and rivals who declared that for 10,000 crowns a +simple gentleman might taste the pleasures of his sovereign, which was +false above all falseness, for when her lord taxed her with it, did +she not reply, "Abominable wretches! Curse the devils who put this +idea in your head! I never yet did have man who spent less than 30,000 +crowns upon me." + +The king, although vexed could not repress a smile, and kept her on a +month to silence scandal. And last, la demoiselle de Pisseleu, anxious +to obtain her place, brought about her ruin. Many would have liked to +be ruined in the same way, seeing she was taken by a young lord, was +happy with him, the fires of love in her being still unquenched. But +to take up the thread again. One day that the king's sweetheart was +passing through the town in her litter to buy laces, furs, velvets, +broideries, and other ammunition, and so charmingly attired, and +looking so lovely, that anyone, especially the clerks, would have +believed the heavens were open above them, behold, her good man, who +comes upon her near the old cross. She, at that time lazily swinging +her charming little foot over the side of the litter, drew in her head +as though she had seen an adder. She was a good wife, for I know some +who would have proudly passed their husbands, to their shame and to +the great disrespect of conjugal rights. + +"What is the matter?" asked one M. de Lannoy, who humbly accompanied +her. + +"Nothing," she whispered; "but that person is my husband. Poor man, +how changed he looks. Formerly he was the picture of a monkey; today +he is the very image of a Job." + +The poor advocate stood opened-mouthed. His heart beat rapidly at the +sight of that little foot--of that wife so wildly loved. + +Observing which, the Sire de Lannoy said to him, with courtly +innocence-- + +"If you are her husband, is that any reason you should stop her +passage?" + +At this she burst out laughing, and the good husband instead of +killing her bravely, shed scalding tears at that laugh which pierced +his heart, his soul, his everything, so much that he nearly tumbled +over an old citizen whom the sight of the king's sweetheart had driven +against the wall. The aspect of this weak flower, which had been his +in the bud, but far from him had spread its lovely leaves; of the +fairy figure, the voluptuous bust--all this made the poor advocate +more wretched and more mad for her than it is possible to express in +words. You must have been madly in love with a woman who refuses your +advances thoroughly to understand the agony of this unhappy man. Rare +indeed is it to be so infatuated as he was. He swore that life, +fortune, honour--all might go, but that for once at least he would be +flesh-to-flesh with her, and make so grand a repast off her dainty +body as would suffice him all his life. He passed the night saying, +"oh yes; ah! I'll have her!" and "Curses am I not her husband?" and +"Devil take me," striking himself on the forehead and tossing about. +There are chances and occasions which occur so opportunely in this +world that little-minded men refuse them credence, saying they are +supernatural, but men of high intellect know them to be true because +they could not be invented. One of the chances came to the poor +advocate, even the day after that terrible one which had been so sore +a trial to him. One of his clients, a man of good renown, who had his +audiences with the king, came one morning to the advocate, saying that +he required immediately a large sum of money, about 12,000 crowns. To +which the artful fellow replied, 12,000 crowns were not so often met +at the corner of a street as that which often is seen at the corner of +the street; that besides the sureties and guarantees of interest, it +was necessary to find a man who had about him 12,000 crowns, and that +those gentlemen were not numerous in Paris, big city as it was, and +various other things of a like character the man of cunning remarked. + +"Is it true, my lord, the you have a hungry and relentless creditor?" +said he. + +"Yes, yes," replied the other, "it concerns the mistress of the king. +Don't breathe a syllable; but this evening, in consideration of 20,000 +crowns and my domain of Brie, I shall take her measure." + +Upon this the advocate blanched, and the courtier perceived he touched +a tender point. As he had only lately returned from the wars, he did +not know that the lovely woman adored by the king had a husband. + +"You appear ill," he said. + +"I have a fever," replied the knave. "But is it to her that you give +the contract and the money?" + +"Yes." + +"Who then manages the bargain? Is it she also?" + +"No," said the noble; "her little arrangements are concluded through a +servant of hers, the cleverest little ladies'-maid that ever was. +She's sharper than mustard, and these nights stolen from the king have +lined her pockets well." + +"I know a Lombard who would accommodate you. But nothing can be done; +of the 12,000 crowns you shall not have a brass farthing if this same +ladies'-maid does not come here to take the price of the article that +is so great an alchemist that turns blood into gold, by Heaven!" + +"It will be a good trick to make her sign the receipt," replied the +lord, laughing. + +The servant came faithfully to the rendezvous with the advocate, who +had begged the lord to bring her. The ducats looked bright and +beautiful. There they lay all in a row, like nuns going to vespers. +Spread out upon the table they would have made a donkey smile, even if +he were being gutted alive; so lovely, so splendid, were those brave +noble young piles. The good advocate, however, had prepared this view +for no ass, for the little handmaiden look longingly at the golden +heap, and muttered a prayer at the sight of them. Seeing which, the +husband whispered in her ear his golden words, "These are for you." + +"Ah!" said she; "I have never been so well paid." + +"My dear," replied the dear man, "you shall have them without being +troubled with me;" and turning her round, "Your client has not told +you who I am, eh? No? Learn then, I am the husband of the lady whom +the king has debauched, and whom you serve. Carry her these crowns, +and come back here. I will hand over yours to you on a condition which +will be to your taste." + +The servant did as she was bidden, and being very curious to know how +she could get 12,000 crowns without sleeping with the advocate, was +very soon back again. + +"Now, my little one," said he, "here are 12,000 crowns. With this sum +I could buy lands, men, women, and the conscience of three priests at +least; so that I believe if I give it to you I can have you, body, +soul, and toe nails. And I shall have faith in you like an advocate, I +expect that you will go to the lord who expects to pass the night with +my wife, and you will deceive him, by telling him that the king is +coming to supper with her, and that to-night he must seek his little +amusements elsewhere. By so doing I shall be able to take his place +and the king's." + +"But how?" said she. + +"Oh!" replied he; "I have bought you, you and your tricks. You won't +have to look at these crowns twice without finding me a way to have my +wife. In bringing this conjunction about you commit no sin. It is a +work of piety to bring together two people whose hands only been put +one in to the other, and that by the priest." + +"By my faith, come," said she; "after supper the lights will be put +out, and you can enjoy Madame if you remain silent. Luckily, on these +joyful occasions she cries more than she speaks, and asks questions +with her hands alone, for she is very modest, and does not like loose +jokes, like the ladies of the Court." + +"Oh," cried the advocate, "look, take the 12,000 crowns, and I promise +you twice as much more if I get by fraud that which belongs to me by +right." + +Then he arranged the hour, the door, the signal, and all; and the +servant went away, bearing with her on the back of the mules the +golden treasure wrung by fraud and trickery from the widow and the +orphan, and they were all going to that place where everything +goes--save our lives, which come from it. Now behold my advocate, who +shaves himself, scents himself, goes without onions for dinner that +his breath may be sweet, and does everything to make himself as +presentable as a gallant signor. He gives himself the airs of a young +dandy, tries to be lithe and frisky and to disguise his ugly face; he +might try all he knew, he always smelt of the musty lawyer. He was not +so clever as the pretty washerwoman of Portillon who one day wishing +to appear at her best before one of her lovers, got rid of a +disagreeable odour in a manner well known to young women of an +inventive turn of mind. But our crafty fellow fancied himself the +nicest man in the world, although in spite of his drugs and perfumes +he was really the nastiest. He dressed himself in his thinnest clothes +although the cold pinched him like a rope collar and sallied forth, +quickly gaining the Rue d'Hirundelle. There he had to wait some time. +But just as he was beginning to think he had been made a fool of, and +just as it was quite dark, the maid came down and opened alike the +door to him and good husband slipped gleefully into the king's +apartment. The girl locked him carefully in a cupboard that was close +to his wife's bed, and through a crack he feasted his eyes upon her +beauty, for she undressed herself before the fire, and put on a thin +nightgown, through which her charms were plainly visible. Believing +herself alone with her maid she made those little jokes that women +will when undressing. "Am I not worth 20,000 crowns to-night? Is that +overpaid with a castle in Brie?" + +And saying this she gently raised two white supports, firm as rocks, +which had well sustained many assaults, seeing they had been furiously +attacked and had not softened. "My shoulders alone are worth a +kingdom; no king could make their equal. But I am tired of this life. +That which is hard work is no pleasure." The little maid smiled, and +her lovely mistress said to her, "I should like to see you in my +place." Then the maid laughed, saying-- + +"Be quiet, Madame, he is there." + +"Who?" + +"Your husband." + +"Which?" + +"The real one." + +"Chut!" said Madame. + +And her maid told her the whole story, wishing to keep her favour and +the 12,000 crowns as well. + +"Oh well, he shall have his money's worth. I'll give his desires time +to cool. If he tastes me may I lose my beauty and become as ugly as a +monkey's baby. You get into bed in my place and thus gain the 12,000 +crowns. Go and tell him that he must take himself off early in the +morning in order that I may not find out your trick upon me, and just +before dawn I will get in by his side." + +The poor husband was freezing and his teeth were chattering, and the +chambermaid coming to the cupboard on pretence of getting some linen, +said to him, "Your hour of bliss approaches. Madame to-night has made +grand preparations and you will be well served. But work without +whistling, otherwise I shall be lost." + +At last, when the good husband was on the point of perishing with +cold, the lights were put out. The maid cried softly in the curtains +to the king's sweetheart, that his lordship was there, and jumped into +bed, while her mistress went out as if she had been the chambermaid. +The advocate, released from his cold hiding-place, rolled rapturously +into the warm sheets, thinking to himself, "Oh! this is good!" To tell +the truth, the maid gave him his money's worth--and the good man +thought of the difference between the profusion of the royal houses +and the niggardly ways of the citizens' wives. The servant laughing, +played her part marvellously well, regaling the knave with gentle +cries, shiverings, convulsions and tossings about, like a newly-caught +fish on the grass, giving little Ah! Ah's! in default of other words; +and as often as the request was made by her, so often was it complied +with by the advocate, who dropped of to sleep at last, like an empty +pocket. But before finishing, the lover who wished to preserve a +souvenir of this sweet night of love, by a dextrous turn, plucked out +one of his wife's hairs, where from I know not, seeing I was not +there, and kept in his hand this precious gauge of the warm virtue of +that lovely creature. Towards the morning, when the cock crew, the +wife slipped in beside her husband, and pretended to sleep. Then the +maid tapped gently on the happy man's forehead, whispering in his ear, +"It is time, get into your clothes and off you go--it's daylight." The +good man grieved to lose his treasure, and wished to see the source of +his vanished happiness. + +"Oh! Oh!" said he, proceeding to compare certain things, "I've got +light hair, and this is dark." + +"What have you done?" said the servant; "Madame will see she has been +duped." + +"But look." + +"Ah!" said she, with an air of disdain, "do you not know, you who +knows everything, that that which is plucked dies and discolours?" and +thereupon roaring with laughter at the good joke, she pushed him out +of doors. This became known. The poor advocate, named Feron, died of +shame, seeing that he was the only one who had not his own wife while +she, who was from this was called La Belle Feroniere, married, after +leaving the king, a young lord, Count of Buzancois. And in her old +days she would relate the story, laughingly adding, that she had never +scented the knave's flavour. + +This teaches us not to attach ourselves more than we can help to wives +who refuse to support our yoke. + + + +THE DEVIL'S HEIR + +There once was a good old canon of Notre Dame de Paris, who lived in a +fine house of his own, near St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs, in the Parvis. This +canon had come a simple priest to Paris, naked as a dagger without its +sheath. But since he was found to be a handsome man, well furnished +with everything, and so well constituted, that if necessary he was +able to do the work of many, without doing himself much harm, he gave +himself up earnestly to the confessing of ladies, giving to the +melancholy a gentle absolution, to the sick a drachm of his balm, to +all some little dainty. He was so well known for his discretion, his +benevolence, and other ecclesiastical qualities, that he had customers +at Court. Then in order not to awaken the jealousy of the officials, +that of the husbands and others, in short, to endow with sanctity +these good and profitable practices, the Lady Desquerdes gave him a +bone of St. Victor, by virtue of which all the miracles were +performed. And to the curious it was said, "He has a bone which will +cure everything;" and to this, no one found anything to reply, because +it was not seemly to suspect relics. Beneath the shade of his cassock, +the good priest had the best of reputations, that of a man valiant +under arms. So he lived like a king. He made money with holy water; +sprinkled it and transmitted the holy water into good wine. More than +that, his name lay snugly in all the et ceteras of the notaries, in +wills or in caudicils, which certain people have falsely written +CODICIL, seeing that the word is derived from cauda, as if to say the +tail of the legacy. In fact, the good old Long Skirts would have been +made an archbishop if he had only said in joke, "I should like to put +on a mitre for a handkerchief in order to have my head warmer." Of all +the benefices offered to him, he chose only a simple canon's stall to +keep the good profits of the confessional. But one day the courageous +canon found himself weak in the back, seeing that he was all sixty- +eight years old, and had held many confessionals. Then thinking over +all his good works, he thought it about time to cease his apostolic +labours, the more so, as he possessed about one hundred thousand +crowns earned by the sweat of his body. From that day he only +confessed ladies of high lineage, and did it very well. So that it was +said at Court that in spite of the efforts of the best young clerks +there was still no one but the Canon of St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs to +properly bleach the soul of a lady of condition. Then at length the +canon became by force of nature a fine nonagenarian, snowy about the +head, with trembling hands, but square as a tower, having spat so much +without coughing, that he coughed now without being able to spit; no +longer rising from his chair, he who had so often risen for humanity; +but drinking dry, eating heartily, saying nothing, but having all the +appearance of a living Canon of Notre Dame. Seeing the immobility of +the aforesaid canon; seeing the stories of his evil life which for +some time had circulated among the common people, always ignorant; +seeing his dumb seclusion, his flourishing health, his young old age, +and other things too numerous to mention--there were certain people +who to do the marvellous and injure our holy religion, went about +saying that the true canon was long since dead, and that for more than +fifty years the devil had taken possession of the old priest's body. +In fact, it seemed to his former customers that the devil could only +by his great heat have furnished these hermetic distillations, that +they remembered to have obtained on demand from this good confessor, +who always had le diable au corps. But as this devil had been +undoubtedly cooked and ruined by them, and that for a queen of twenty +years he would not have moved, well-disposed people and those not +wanting in sense, or the citizens who argued about everything, people +who found lice in bald heads, demanded why the devil rested under the +form of a canon, went to the Church of Notre Dame at the hours when +the canons usually go, and ventured so far as to sniff the perfume of +the incense, taste the holy water, and a thousand other things. To +these heretical propositions some said that doubtless the devil wished +to convert himself, and others that he remained in the shape of the +canon to mock at the three nephews and heirs of this said brave +confessor and make them wait until the day of their own death for the +ample succession of this uncle, to whom they paid great attention +every day, going to look if the good man had his eyes open, and in +fact found him always with his eye clear, bright, and piercing as the +eye of a basilisk, which pleased them greatly, since they loved their +uncle very much--in words. On this subject an old woman related that +for certain the canon was the devil, because his two nephews, the +procureur and the captain, conducting their uncle at night, without a +lamp, or lantern, returning from a supper at the penitentiary's, had +caused him by accident to tumble over a heap of stones gathered +together to raise the statue of St. Christopher. At first the old man +had struck fire in falling, but was, amid the cries of his dear +nephews and by the light of the torches they came to seek at her house +found standing up as straight as a skittle and as gay as a weaving +whirl, exclaiming that the good wine of the penitentiary had given him +the courage to sustain this shock and that his bones were exceedingly +hard and had sustained rude assaults. The good nephews believing him +dead, were much astonished, and perceived that the day that was to +dispatch their uncle was a long way off, seeing that at the business +stones were of no use. So that they did not falsely call him their +good uncle, seeing that he was of good quality. Certain scandalmongers +said that the canon found so many stones in his path that he stayed at +home not to be ill with the stone, and the fear of worse was the cause +of his seclusion. + +Of all these sayings and rumours, it remains that the old canon, devil +or not, kept his house, and refused to die, and had three heirs with +whom he lived as with his sciaticas, lumbagos, and other appendage of +human life. Of the said three heirs, one was the wickedest soldier +ever born of a woman, and he must have considerably hurt her in +breaking his egg, since he was born with teeth and bristles. So that +he ate, two-fold, for the present and the future, keeping wenches +whose cost he paid; inheriting from his uncle the continuance, +strength, and good use of that which is often of service. In great +battles, he endeavoured always to give blows without receiving them, +which is, and always will be, the only problem to solve in war, but he +never spared himself there, and, in fact, as he had no other virtue +except his bravery, he was captain of a company of lancers, and much +esteemed by the Duke of Burgoyne, who never troubled what his soldiers +did elsewhere. This nephew of the devil was named Captain Cochegrue; +and his creditors, the blockheads, citizens, and others, whose pockets +he slit, called him the Mau-cinge, since he was as mischievous as +strong; but he had moreover his back spoilt by the natural infirmity +of a hump, and it would have been unwise to attempt to mount thereon +to get a good view, for he would incontestably have run you through. + +The second had studied the laws, and through the favour of his uncle +had become a procureur, and practised at the palace, where he did the +business of the ladies, whom formerly the canon had the best +confessed. This one was called Pille-grue, to banter him upon his real +name, which was Cochegrue, like that of his brother the captain. +Pille-grue had a lean body, seemed to throw off very cold water, was +pale of face, and possessed a physiognomy like a polecat. + +This notwithstanding, he was worth many a penny more than the captain, +and had for his uncle a little affection, but since about two years +his heart had cracked a little, and drop by drop his gratitude had run +out, in such a way that from time to time, when the air was damp, he +liked to put his feet into his uncle's hose, and press in advance the +juice of this good inheritance. He and his brother, the soldier found +their share very small, since loyally, in law, in fact, in justice, in +nature, and in reality, it was necessary to give the third part of +everything to a poor cousin, son of another sister of the canon, the +which heir, but little loved by the good man, remained in the country, +where he was a shepherd, near Nanterre. + +The guardian of beasts, an ordinary peasant, came to town by the +advice of his two cousins, who placed him in their uncle's house, in +the hope that, as much by his silly tricks and his clumsiness, his +want of brain, and his ignorance, he would be displeasing to the +canon, who would kick him out of his will. Now this poor Chiquon, as +the shepherd was named, had lived about a month alone with his old +uncle, and finding more profit or more amusement in minding an abbot +than looking after sheep, made himself the canon's dog, his servant, +the staff of his old age, saying, "God keep you," when he passed wind, +"God save you," when he sneezed, and "God guard you," when he belched; +going to see if it rained, where the cat was, remaining silent, +listening, speaking, receiving the coughs of the old man in his face, +admiring him as the finest canon there ever was in the world, all +heartily and in good faith, knowing that he was licking him after the +manner of animals who clean their young ones; and the uncle, who stood +in no need of learning which side the bread was buttered, repulsed +poor Chiquon, making him turn about like a die, always calling him +Chiquon, and always saying to his other nephews that this Chiquon was +helping to kill him, such a numskull was he. Thereupon, hearing this, +Chiquon determined to do well by his uncle, and puzzled his +understanding to appear better; but as he had a behind shaped like a +pair of pumpkins, was broad shouldered, large limbed, and far from +sharp, he more resembled old Silenus than a gentle Zephyr. In fact, +the poor shepherd, a simple man, could not reform himself, so he +remained big and fat, awaiting his inheritance to make himself thin. + +One evening the canon began discoursing concerning the the devil and +the grave agonies, penances, tortures, etc., which God will get warm +for the accursed, and the good Chiquon hearing it, began to open his +eyes as wide as the door of an oven, at the statement, without +believing a word of it. + +"What," said the canon, "are you not a Christian?" + +"In that, yes," answered Chiquon. + +"Well, there is a paradise for the good; is it not necessary to have a +hell for the wicked?" + +"Yes, Mr. Canon; but the devil's of no use. If you had here a wicked +man who turned everything upside down; would you not kick him out of +doors?" + +"Yes, Chiquon." + +"Oh, well, mine uncle; God would be very stupid to leave in the this +world, which he has so curiously constructed, an abominable devil +whose special business it is to spoil everything for him. Pish! I +recognise no devil if there be a good God; you may depend upon that. I +should very much like to see the devil. Ha, ha! I am not afraid of his +claws!" + +"And if I were of your opinion I should have no care of my very +youthful years in which I held confessions at least ten times a day." + +"Confess again, Mr. Canon. I assure you that will be a precious merit +on high." + +"There, there! Do you mean it?" + +"Yes, Mr. Canon." + +"Thou dost not tremble, Chiquon, to deny the devil?" + +"I trouble no more about it than a sheaf of corn." + +"The doctrine will bring misfortune upon you." + +"By no means. God will defend me from the devil because I believe him +more learned and less stupid than the savans make him out." + +Thereupon the two other nephews entered, and perceiving from the voice +of the canon that he did not dislike Chiquon very much, and that the +jeremiads which he had made concerning him were simple tricks to +disguise the affection which he bore him, looked at each other in +great astonishment. + +Then, seeing their uncle laughing, they said to him-- + +"If you will make a will, to whom will you leave the house? + +"To Chiquon." + +"And the quit rent of the Rue St. Denys?" + +"To Chiquon." + +"And the fief of Ville Parisis?" + +"To Chiquon." + +"But," said the captain, with his big voice, "everything then will be +Chiquon's." + +"No," replied the canon, smiling, "because I shall have made my will +in proper form, the inheritance will be to the sharpest of you three; +I am so near to the future, that I can therein see clearly your +destinies." + +And the wily canon cast upon Chiquon a glance full of malice, like a +decoy bird would have thrown upon a little one to draw him into her +net. The fire of his flaming eye enlightened the shepherd, who from +that moment had his understanding and his ears all unfogged, and his +brain open, like that of a maiden the day after her marriage. The +procureur and the captain, taking these sayings for gospel prophecies, +made their bow and went out from the house, quite perplexed at the +absurd designs of the canon. + +"What do you think of Chiquon?" said Pille-grue to Mau-cinge. + +"I think, I think," said the soldier, growling, "that I think of +hiding myself in the Rue d'Hierusalem, to put his head below his feet; +he can pick it up again if he likes." + +"Oh, oh!" said the procureur, "you have a way of wounding that is +easily recognised, and people would say 'It's Cochegrue.' As for me, I +thought to invite him to dinner, after which, we would play at putting +ourselves in a sack in order to see, as they do at Court, who could +walk best thus attired. Then having sewn him up, we could throw him +into the Seine, at the same time begging him to swim." + +"This must be well matured," replied the soldier. + +"Oh! it's quite ripe," said the advocate. "The cousin gone to the +devil, the heritage would then be between us two." + +"I'm quite agreeable," said the fighter, "but we must stick as close +together as the two legs of the same body, for if you are fine as +silk, I as strong as steel, and daggers are always as good as traps-- +you hear that, my good brother." + +"Yes," said the advocate, "the cause is heard--now shall it be the +thread or the iron?" + +"Eh? ventre de Dieu! is it then a king that we are going to settle? +For a simple numskull of a shepherd are so many words necessary? Come! +20,000 francs out of the Heritage to the one of us who shall first cut +him off: I'll say to him in good faith, 'Pick up your head.'" + +"And I, 'Swim my friend,'" cried the advocate, laughing like the gap +of a pourpoint. + +And then they went to supper, the captain to his wench, and the +advocate to the house of a jeweller's wife, of whom he was the lover. + +Who was astonished? Chiquon! The poor shepherd heard the planning of +his death, although the two cousins had walked in the parvis, and +talked to each other as every one speaks at church when praying to +God. So that Chiquon was much coupled to know if the words had come up +or if his ears had gone down. + +"Do you hear, Mister Canon?" + +"Yes," said he, "I hear the wood crackling in the fire." + +"Ho, ho!" replied Chiquon, "if I don't believe in the devil, I believe +in St. Michael, my guardian angel; I go there where he calls me." + +"Go, my child," said the canon, "and take care not to wet yourself, +nor to get your head knocked off, for I think I hear more rain, and +the beggars in the street are not always the most dangerous beggars." + +At these words Chiquon was much astonished, and stared at the canon; +found his manner gay, his eye sharp, and his feet crooked; but as he +had to arrange matters concerning the death which menaced him, he +thought to himself that he would always have leisure to admire the +canon, or to cut his nails, and he trotted off quickly through the +town, as a little woman trots towards her pleasure. + +His two cousins having no presumption of the divinatory science, of +which shepherds have had many passing attacks, had often talked before +him of their secret goings on, counting him as nothing. + +Now one evening, to amuse the canon, Pille-grue had recounted to him +how had fallen in love with him a wife of a jeweller on whose head he +had adjusted certain carved, burnished, sculptured, historical horns, +fit for the brow of a prince. The good lady was to hear him, a right +merry wench, quick at opportunities, giving an embrace while her +husband was mounting the stairs, devouring the commodity as if she was +swallowing a a strawberry, only thinking of love-making, always +trifling and frisky, gay as an honest woman who lacks nothing, +contenting her husband, who cherished her so much as he loved his own +gullet; subtle as a perfume, so much so, that for five years she +managed so well with his household affairs, and her own love affairs, +that she had the reputation of a prudent woman, the confidence of her +husband, the keys of the house, the purse, and all. + +"And when do you play upon this gentle flute?" said the canon. + +"Every evening and sometimes I stay all the night." + +"But how?" said the canon, astonished. + +"This is how. There is a room close to, a chest into which I get. When +the good husband returns from his friend the draper's, where he goes +to supper every evening, because often he helps the draper's wife in +her work, my mistress pleads a slight illness, lets him go to bed +alone, and comes to doctor her malady in the room where the chest is. +On the morrow, when my jeweller is at his forge, I depart, and as the +house has one exit on to the bridge, and another into the street, I +always come to the door when the husband is not, on the pretext of +speaking to him of his suits, which commence joyfully and heartily, +and I never let them come to an end. It is an income from cuckoldom, +seeing that in the minor expenses and loyal costs of the proceedings, +he spends as much as on the horses in his stable. He loves me well, as +all good cuckolds should love the man who aids them, to plant, +cultivate, water and dig the natural garden of Venus, and he does +nothing without me." + +Now these practices came back again to the memory of the shepherd, who +was illuminated by the light issuing from his danger, and counselled +by the intelligence of those measures of self-preservation, of which +every animal possesses a sufficient dose to go to the end of his ball +of life. So Chiquon gained with hasty feet the Rue de la Calandre, +where the jeweller should be supping with his companion, and after +having knocked at the door, replied to question put to him through the +little grill, that he was a messenger on state secrets, and was +admitted to the draper's house. Now coming straight to the fact, he +made the happy jeweller get up from his table, led him to a corner, +and said to him: "If one of your neighbours had planted a horn on your +forehead and he was delivered to you, bound hand and foot, would you +throw him into the river?" + +"Rather," said the jeweller, "but if you are mocking me I'll give you +a good drubbing." + +"There, there!" replied Chiquon, "I am one of your friends and come to +warn you that as many times as you have conversed with the draper's +wife here, as often has your own wife been served the same way by the +advocate Pille-grue, and if you will come back to your forge, you will +find a good fire there. On your arrival, he who looks after your you- +know-what, to keep it in good order, gets into the big clothes chest. +Now make a pretence that I have bought the said chest of you, and I +will be upon the bridge with a cart, waiting your orders." + +The said jeweller took his cloak and his hat, and parted company with +his crony without saying a word, and ran to his hole like a poisoned +rat. He arrives and knocks, the door is opened, he runs hastily up the +stairs, finds two covers laid, sees his wife coming out of the chamber +of love, and then says to her, "My dear, here are two covers laid." + +"Well, my darling are we not two?" + +"No," said he, "we are three." + +"Is your friend coming?" said she, looking towards the stairs with +perfect innocence. + +"No, I speak of the friend who is in the chest." + +"What chest?" said she. "Are you in your sound senses? Where do you +see a chest? Is the usual to put friends in chests? Am I a woman to +keep chests full of friends? How long have friends been kept in +chests? Are you come home mad to mix up your friends with your chests? +I know no other friend then Master Cornille the draper, and no other +chest than the one with our clothes in." + +"Oh!," said the jeweller, "my good woman, there is a bad young man, +who has come to warn me that you allow yourself to be embraced by our +advocate, and that he is in the chest." + +"I!" said she, "I would not put up with his knavery, he does +everything the wrong way." + +"There, there, my dear," replied the jeweller, "I know you to be a +good woman, and won't have a squabble with you about this paltry +chest. The giver of the warning is a box-maker, to whom I am about to +sell this cursed chest that I wish never again to see in my house, and +for this one he will sell me two pretty little ones, in which there +will not be space enough even for a child; thus the scandal and the +babble of those envious of your virtue will be extinguished for want +of nourishment." + +"You give me great pleasure," said she; "I don't attach any value to +my chest, and by chance there is nothing in it. Our linen is at the +wash. It will be easy to have the mischievous chest taken away +tomorrow morning. Will you sup?" + +"Not at all," said he, "I shall sup with a better appetite without the +chest." + +"I see," said she, "that you won't easily get the chest out of your +head." + +"Halloa, there!" said the jeweller to his smiths and apprentices; +"come down!" + +In the twinkling of an eye his people were before him. Then he, their +master, having briefly ordered the handling of the said chest, this +piece of furniture dedicated to love was tumbled across the room, but +in passing the advocate, finding his feet in the air to the which he +was not accustomed, tumbled over a little. + +"Go on," said the wife, "go on, it's the lid shaking." + +"No, my dear, it's the bolt." + +And without any other opposition the chest slid gently down the +stairs. + +"Ho there, carrier!" said the jeweller, and Chiquon came whistling his +mules, and the good apprentices lifted the litigious chest into the +cart. + +"Hi, hi!" said the advocate. + +"Master, the chest is speaking," said an apprentice. + +"In what language?" said the jeweller, giving him a good kick between +two features that luckily were not made of glass. The apprentice +tumbled over on to a stair in a way that induced him to discontinue +his studies in the language of chests. The shepherd, accompanied by +the good jeweller, carried all the baggage to the water-side without +listening to the high eloquence of the speaking wood, and having tied +several stones to it, the jeweller threw it into the Seine. + +"Swim, my friend," cried the shepherd, in a voice sufficiently jeering +at the moment when the chest turned over, giving a pretty little +plunge like a duck. + +Then Chiqoun continued to proceed along the quay, as far as the Rue- +du-port, St Laudry, near the cloisters of Notre Dame. There he noticed +a house, recognised the door, and knocked loudly. + +"Open," said he, "open by order of the king." + +Hearing this an old man who was no other than the famous Lombard, +Versoris, ran to the door. + +"What is it?" said he. + +"I am sent by the provost to warn you to keep good watch tonight," +replied Chiquon, "as for his own part he will keep his archers ready. +The hunchback who has robbed you has come back again. Keep under arms, +for he is quite capable of easing you of the rest." + +Having said this, the good shepherd took to his heels and ran to the +Rue des Marmouzets, to the house where Captain Cochegrue was feasting +with La Pasquerette, the prettiest of town-girls, and the most +charming in perversity that ever was; according to all the gay ladies, +her glance was sharp and piercing as the stab of a dagger. Her +appearance was so tickling to the sight, that it would have put all +Paradise to rout. Besides which she was as bold as a woman who has no +other virtue than her insolence. Poor Chiquon was greatly embarrassed +while going to the quarter of the Marmouzets. He was greatly afraid +that he would be unable to find the house of La Pasquerette, or find +the two pigeons gone to roost, but a good angel arranged there +speedily to his satisfaction. This is how. On entering the Rue des +Marmouzets he saw several lights at the windows and night-capped heads +thrust out, and good wenches, gay girls, housewives, husbands, and +young ladies, all of them are just out of bed, looking at each other +as if a robber were being led to execution by torchlight. + +"What's the matter?" said the shepherd to a citizen who in great haste +had rushed to the door with a chamber utensil in his hand. + +"Oh! it's nothing," replied the good man. "We thought it was the +Armagnacs descending upon the town, but it's only Mau-cinge beating La +Pasquerette." + +"Where?" asked the shepherd. + +"Below there, at that fine house where the pillars have the mouths of +flying frogs delicately carved upon them. Do you hear the varlets and +the serving maids?" + +And in fact there was nothing but cries of "Murder! Help! Come some +one!" and in the house blows raining down and the Mau-cinge said with +his gruff voice: + +"Death to the wench! Ah, you sing out now, do you? Ah, you want your +money now, do you? Take that--" + +And La Pasquerette was groaning, "Oh! oh! I die! Help! Help! Oh! oh!" +Then came the blow of a sword and the heavy fall of a light body of +the fair girl sounded, and was followed by a great silence, after +which the lights were put out, servants, waiting women, roysterers, +and others went in again, and the shepherd who had come opportunely +mounted the stairs in company with them, but on beholding in the room +above broken glasses, slit carpets, and the cloth on the floor with +the dishes, everyone remained at a distance. + +The shepherd, bold as a man with but one end in view, opened the door +of the handsome chamber where slept La Pasquerette, and found her +quite exhausted, her hair dishevelled, and her neck twisted, lying +upon a bloody carpet, and Mau-cinge frightened, with his tone +considerably lower, and not knowing upon what note to sing the +remainder of his anthem. + +"Come, my little Pasquerette, don't pretend to be dead. Come, let me +put you tidy. Ah! little minx, dead or alive, you look so pretty in +your blood I'm going to kiss you." Having said which the cunning +soldier took her and threw her upon the bed, but she fell there all of +a heap, and stiff as the body of a man that had been hanged. Seeing +which her companion found it was time for his hump to retire from the +game; however, the artful fellow before slinking away said, "Poor +Pasquerette, how could I murder so good of girl, and one I loved so +much? But, yes, I have killed her, the thing is clear, for in her life +never did her sweet breast hang down like that. Good God, one would +say it was a crown at the bottom of a wallet. Thereupon Pasquerette +opened her eyes and then bent her head slightly to look at her flesh, +which was white and firm, and she brought herself to life by a box on +the ears, administered to the captain. + +"That will teach you to beware of the dead," said she, smiling. + +"And why did he kill you, my cousin?" asked the shepherd. + +"Why? Tomorrow the bailiffs seize everything that's here, and he who +has no more money than virtue, reproached me because I wished to be +agreeable to a handsome gentlemen, who would save me from the hands of +justice. + +"Pasquerette, I'll break every bone in your skin." + +"There, there!" said Chiquon, whom the Mau-cinge had just recognised, +"is that all? Oh, well, my good friend, I bring you a large sum." + +"Where from?" asked the captain, astonished. + +"Come here, and let me whisper in your ear--if 30,000 crowns were +walking about at night under the shadow of a pear-tree, would you not +stoop down to pluck them, to prevent them spoiling?" + +"Chiquon, I'll kill you like a dog if you are making game of me, or I +will kiss you there where you like it, if you will put me opposite +30,000 crowns, even when it shall be necessary to kill three citizens +at the corner of the Quay." + +"You will not even kill one. This is how the matter stands. I have for +a sweetheart in all loyalty, the servant of the Lombard who is in the +city near the house of our good uncle. Now I have just learned on +sound information that this dear man has departed this morning into +the country after having hidden under a pear-tree in his garden a good +bushel of gold, believing himself to be seen only by the angels. But +the girl who had by chance a bad toothache, and was taking the air at +her garret window, spied the old crookshanks, without wishing to do +so, and chattered of it to me in fondness. If you will swear to give +me a good share I will lend you my shoulders in order that you may +climb on to the top of the wall and from there throw yourself into the +pear-tree, which is against the wall. There, now do you say that I am +a blockhead, an animal?" + +"No, you are a right loyal cousin, an honest man, and if you have ever +to put an enemy out off the way, I am there, ready to kill even one of +my own friends for you. I am no longer your cousin, but your brother. +Ho there! sweetheart," cried Mau-cinge to La Pasquerette, "put the +tables straight, wipe up your blood, it belongs to me, and I'll pay +you for it by giving you a hundred times as much of mine as I have +taken of thine. Make the best of it, shake the black dog, off your +back, adjust your petticoats, laugh, I wish it, look to the stew, and +let us recommence our evening prayer where we left it off. Tomorrow +I'll make thee braver than a queen. This is my cousin whom I wish to +entertain, even when to do so it were necessary to turn the house out +of windows. We shall get back everything tomorrow in the cellars. +Come, fall to!" + +Thus, and in less time than it takes a priest to say his Dominus +vobiscum, the whole rookery passed from tears to laughter as it had +previously from laughter to tears. It is only in these houses of ill- +fame that love is made with the blow of a dagger, and where tempests +of joy rage between four walls. But these are things ladies of the +high-neck dress do not understand. + +The said captain Cochegrue was gay as a hundred schoolboys at the +breaking up of class, and made his good cousin drink deeply, who +spilled everything country fashion, and pretended to be drunk, +spluttering out a hundred stupidities, as, that "tomorrow he would buy +Paris, would lend a hundred thousand crowns to the king, that he would +be able to roll in gold;" in fact, talked so much nonsense that the +captain, fearing some compromising avowal and thinking his brain quite +muddled enough, led him outside with the good intention, instead of +sharing with him, of ripping Chiquon open to see if he had not a +sponge in his stomach, because he had just soaked in a big quart of +the good wine of Suresne. They went along, disputing about a thousand +theological subjects which got very much mixed up, and finished by +rolling quietly up against the garden where were the crowns of the +Lombard. Then Cochegrue, making a ladder of Chiquon's broad shoulders, +jumped on to the pear-tree like a man expert in attacks upon towns, +but Versoris, who was watching him, made a blow at his neck, and +repeated it so vigorously that with three blows fell the upper portion +of the said Cochegrue, but not until he had heard the clear voice of +the shepherd, who cried to him, "Pick up your head, my friend." +Thereupon the generous Chiquon, in whom virtue received its +recompense, thought it would be wise to return to the house of the +good canon, whose heritage was by the grace of God considerably +simplified. Thus he gained the Rue St. Pierre-Aux-Boeufs with all +speed, and soon slept like a new-born baby, no longer knowing the +meaning of the word "cousin-german." Now, on the morrow he rose +according to the habit of shepherds, with the sun, and came into his +uncle's room to inquire if he spat white, if he coughed, if he had +slept well; but the old servant told him that the canon, hearing the +bells of St Maurice, the first patron of Notre Dame, ring for matins, +he had gone out of reverence to the cathedral, where all the Chapter +were to breakfast with the Bishop of Paris; upon which Chiquon +replied: "Is his reverence the canon out of his senses thus to disport +himself, to catch a cold, to get rheumatism? Does he wish to die? I'll +light a big fire to warm him when he returns;" and the good shepherd +ran into the room where the canon generally sat, and to his great +astonishment beheld him seated in his chair. + +"Ah, ah! What did she mean, that fool of a Bruyette? I knew you were +too well advised to be shivering at this hour in your stall." + +The canon said not a word. The shepherd who was like all thinkers, a +man of hidden sense, was quite aware that sometimes old men have +strange crotchets, converse with the essence of occult things, and +mumble to themselves discourses concerning matters not under +consideration; so that, from reverence and great respect for the +secret meditations of the canon, he went and sat down at a distance, +and waited the termination of these dreams; noticing, silently the +length of the good man's nails, which looked like cobbler's awls, and +looking attentively at the feet of his uncle, he was astonished to see +the flesh of his legs so crimson, that it reddened his breeches and +seemed all on fire through his hose. + +He is dead, thought Chiquon. At this moment the door of the room +opened, and he still saw the canon, who, his nose frozen, came back +from church. + +"Ho, ho!" said Chiquon, "my dear Uncle, are you out of your senses? +Kindly take notice that you ought not to be at the door, because you +are already seated in your chair in the chimney corner, and that it is +impossible for there to be two canons like you in the world." + +"Ah! Chiquon, there was a time when I could have wished to be in two +places at once, but such is not the fate of a man, he would be too +happy. Are you getting dim-sighted? I am alone here." + +Then Chiquon turned his head towards the chair, and found it empty; +and much astonished, as you will easily believe, he approached it, and +found on the seat a little pat of cinders, from which ascended a +strong odour of sulphur. + +"Ah!" said he merrily, "I perceive that the devil has behaved well +towards me--I will pray God for him." + +And thereupon he related naively to the canon how the devil had amused +himself by playing at providence, and had loyally aided him to get rid +of his wicked cousins, the which the canon admired much, and thought +very good, seeing that he had plenty of good sense left, and often had +observed things which were to the devil's advantage. So the good old +priest remarked that 'as much good was always met with in evil as evil +in good, and that therefore one should not trouble too much after the +other world, the which was a grave heresy, which many councils have +put right'. + +And this was how the Chiquons became rich, and were able in these +times, by the fortunes of their ancestors, to help to build the bridge +of St. Michael, where the devil cuts a very good figure under the +angel, in memory of this adventure now consigned to these veracious +histories. + + + +THE MERRY JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH + +King Louis The Eleventh was a merry fellow, loving a good joke, and-- +the interests of his position as king, and those of the church on one +side--he lived jovially, giving chase to soiled doves as often as to +hares, and other royal game. Therefore, the sorry scribblers who have +made him out a hypocrite, showed plainly that they knew him not, since +he was a good friend, good at repartee, and a jollier fellow than any +of them. + +It was he who said when he was in a merry mood, that four things are +excellent and opportune in life--to keep warm, to drink cool, to stand +up hard, and to swallow soft. Certain persons have accused him of +taking up with a dirty trollops; this is a notorious falsehood, since +all his mistresses, of whom one was legitimised, came of good houses +and had notable establishments. He did not go in for waste and +extravagance, always put his hand upon the solid, and because certain +devourers of the people found no crumbs at his table, they have all +maligned him. But the real collector of facts know that the said king +was a capital fellow in private life, and even very agreeable; and +before cutting off the heads of his friends, or punishing them--for he +did not spare them--it was necessary that they should have greatly +offended him, and his vengeance was always justice; I have only seen +in our friend Verville that this worthy sovereign ever made a mistake; +but one does not make a habit, and even for this his boon companion +Tristan was more to blame than he, the king. This is the circumstance +related by the said Verville, and I suspect he was cracking a joke. I +reproduce it because certain people are not familiar with the +exquisite work of my perfect compatriot. I abridge it and only give +the substance, the details being more ample, of which facts the savans +are not ignorant. + +Louis XI. had given the Abbey of Turpenay (mentioned in 'Imperia') to +a gentleman who, enjoying the revenue, had called himself Monsieur de +Turpenay. It happened that the king being at Plessis-les-Tours, the +real abbot, who was a monk, came and presented himself before the +king, and presented also a petition, remonstrating with him that, +canonically and a monastically, he was entitled to the abbey and that +the usurping gentleman wronged of his right, and therefore he called +upon his majesty to have justice done to him. Nodding his peruke, the +king promised to render him contented. This monk, importunate as are +all hooded animals, came often at the end of the king's meals, who, +bored with the holy water of the convent, called friend Tristan and +said to him: "Old fellow, there is here a Turpenay who angers me, rid +the world of him for me." Tristan, taking a frock for a monk, or a +monk for a frock, came to this gentleman, whom all the court called +Monsieur de Turpenay, and having accosted him managed to lead him to +one side, and taking him by the button-hole gave him to understand +that the king desired he should die. He tried to resist, supplicating +and supplicating to escape, but in no way could he obtain a hearing. +He was delicately strangled between the head and shoulders, so that he +expired; and, three hours afterwards, Tristan told the king that he +was discharged. It happened five days afterwards, which is the space +in which souls come back again, that the monk came into the room where +the king was, and when he saw him he was much astonished. Tristan was +present: the king called him, and whispered into his ear-- + +"You have not done that which I told you to." + +"Saving your Grace I have done it. Turpenay is dead." + +"Eh? I meant this monk." + +"I understood the gentleman!" + +"What, is it done then?" + +"Yes, sire," + +"Very well then"--turning towards the monk--"come here, monk." The +monk approached. The king said to him, "Kneel down!" The poor monk +began to shiver in his shoes. But the king said to him, "Thank God +that he has not willed that you should be killed as I had ordered. He +who took your estates has been instead. God has done you justice. Go +and pray God for me, and don't stir out of your convent." + +The proves the good-heartedness of Louis XI. He might very well have +hanged the monk, the cause of the error. As for the said gentleman, he +died in the king's service. + +In the early days of his sojourn at Plessis-les-Tours king Louis, not +wishing to hold his drinking-bouts and give vent to his rakish +propensities in his chateau, out of respect to her Majesty (a kingly +delicacy which his successors have not possessed) became enamoured of +a lady named Nicole Beaupertuys, who was, to tell the truth, wife of a +citizen of the town. The husband he sent into Ponent, and put the said +Nicole in a house near Chardonneret, in that part which is the Rue +Quincangrogne, because it was a lonely place, far from other +habitations. The husband and the wife were thus both in his service, +and he had by La Beaupertuys a daughter, who died a nun. This Nicole +had a tongue as sharp as a popinjay's, was of stately proportions, +furnished with large beautiful cushions of nature, firm to the touch, +white as the wings of an angel, and known for the rest to be fertile +in peripatetic ways, which brought it to pass that never with her was +the same thing encountered twice in love, so deeply had she studied +the sweet solutions of the science, the manners of accommodating the +olives of Poissy, the expansions of the nerves, and hidden doctrines +of the breviary, the which much delighted the king. She was as gay as +a lark, always laughing and singing, and never made anyone miserable, +which is the characteristic of women of this open and free nature, who +have always an occupation--an equivocal one if you like. The king +often went with the hail-fellows his friends to the lady's house, and +in order not to be seen always went at night-time, and without his +suite. But being always distrustful, and fearing some snare, he gave +to Nicole all the most savage dogs he had in his kennels, beggars that +would eat a man without saying "By your leave," the which royal dogs +knew only Nicole and the king. When the Sire came Nicole let them +loose in the garden, and the door of the house being sufficiently +barred and closely shut, the king put the keys in his pocket, and in +perfect security gave himself up, with his satellites, to every kind +of pleasure, fearing no betrayal, jumping about at will, playing +tricks, and getting up good games. Upon these occasions friend Tristan +watched the neighbourhood, and anyone who had taken a walk on the Mall +of Chardonneret would be rather quickly placed in a position in which +it would have been easy to give the passers-by a benediction with his +feet, unless he had the king's pass, since often would Louis send out +in search of lasses for his friends, or people to entertain him with +the amusements suggested by Nicole or the guests. People of Tours were +there for these little amusements, to whom he gently recommended +silence, so that no one knew of these pastimes until after his death. +The farce of "Baisez mon cul" was, it is said, invented by the said +Sire. I will relate it, although it is not the subject of this tale, +because it shows the natural comicality and humour of this merry +monarch. They were at Tours three well known misers: the first was +Master Cornelius, who is sufficiently well known; the second was +called Peccard, and sold the gilt-work, coloured papers, and jewels +used in churches; the third was hight Marchandeau, and was a very +wealthy vine-grower. These two men of Touraine were the founders of +good families, notwithstanding their sordidness. One evening that the +king was with Beaupertuys, in a good humour, having drunk heartily, +joked heartily, and offered early in the evening his prayer in +Madame's oratory, he said to Le Daim his crony, to the Cardinal, La +Balue, and to old Dunois, who were still soaking, "Let us have a good +laugh! I think it will be a good joke to see misers before a bag of +gold without being able to touch it. Hi, there!" + +Hearing which, appeared one of his varlets. + +"Go," said he, "seek my treasurer, and let him bring hither six +thousand gold crowns--and at once! And you will go and seize the +bodies of my friend Cornelius, of the jeweller of the Rue de Cygnes, +and of old Marchandeau, and bring them here, by order of the king." + +Then he began to drink again, and to judiciously wrangle as to which +was the better, a woman with a gamy odour or a woman who soaped +herself well all over; a thin one or a stout one; and as the company +comprised the flower of wisdom it was decided that the best was the +one a man had all to himself like a plate of warm mussels, at that +precise moment when God sent him a good idea to communicate to her. +The cardinal asked which was the most precious thing to a lady; the +first or the last kiss? To which La Beaupertuys replied: "that it was +the last, seeing that she knew then what she was losing, while at the +first she did not know what she would gain." During these sayings, and +others which have most unfortunately been lost, came the six thousand +gold crowns, which were worth all three hundred thousand francs of +to-day, so much do we go on decreasing in value every day. The king +ordered the crowns to be arranged upon a table, and well lighted up, +so that they shone like the eyes of the company which lit up +involuntarily, and made them laugh in spite of themselves. They did +not wait long for the three misers, whom the varlet led in, pale and +panting, except Cornelius, who knew the king's strange freaks. + +"Now then, my friends," said Louis to them, "have a good look at the +crowns on the table." + +And the three townsmen nibbled at them with their eyes. You may reckon +that the diamond of La Beaupertuys sparkled less than their little +minnow eyes. + +"These are yours," added the king. + +Thereupon they ceased to admire the crowns to look at each other; and +the guests knew well that old knaves are more expert in grimaces than +any others, because of their physiognomies becoming tolerably curious, +like those of cats lapping up milk, or girls titillated with marriage. + +"There," said the king, "all that shall be his who shall say three +times to the two others, 'Baisez mon cul', thrusting his hand into the +gold; but if he be not as serious as a fly who had violated his lady- +love, if he smile while repeating the jest, he will pay ten crowns to +Madame. Nevertheless he can essay three times." + +"That will soon be earned," said Cornelius, who, being a Dutchman, had +his lips as often compressed and serious as Madame's mouth was often +open and laughing. Then he bravely put his hands on the crowns to see +if they were good, and clutched them bravely, but as he looked at the +others to say civilly to them, "Baisez mon cul," the two misers, +distrustful of his Dutch gravity, replied, "Certainly, sir," as if he +had sneezed. The which caused all the company to laugh, and even +Cornelius himself. When the vine-grower went to take the crowns he +felt such a commotion in his cheeks that his old scummer face let +little laughs exude from its pores like smoke pouring out of a +chimney, and he could say nothing. Then it was the turn of the +jeweller, who was a little bit of a bantering fellow, and whose lips +were as tightly squeezed as the neck of a hanged man. He seized a +handful of the crowns, looked at the others, even the king, and said, +with a jeering air, "Baisez mon cul." + +"Is it dirty?" asked the vine-dresser. + +"Look and see," replied the jeweller, gravely. + +Thereupon the king began to tremble for these crowns, since the said +Peccard began again, without laughing, and for the third time was +about to utter the sacramental word, when La Beaupertuys made a sign +of consent to his modest request, which caused him to lose his +countenance, and his mouth broke up into dimples. + +"How did you do it?" asked Dunois, "to keep a grave face before six +thousand crowns?" + +"Oh, my lord, I thought first of one of my cases which is tried +tomorrow, and secondly, of my wife who is a sorry plague." + +The desire to gain this good round sum made them try again, and the +king amused himself for about an hour at the expression of these +faces, the preparations, jokes, grimaces, and other monkey's +paternosters that they performed; but they were bailing their boats +with a sieve, and for men who preferred closing their fists to opening +them it was a bitter sorrow to have to count out, each one, a hundred +crown to Madame. + +When they were gone, and Nicole said boldly to the king, "Sire will +you let me try?" + +"Holy Virgin!" replied Louis; "no! I can kiss you for less money." + +That was said like a thrifty man, which indeed he always was. + +One evening the fat Cardinal La Balue carried on gallantly with words +and actions, a little farther than the canons of the Church permitted +him, with this Beaupertuys, who luckily for herself, was a clever +hussy, not to be asked with impunity how many holes there were in her +mother's chemise. + +"Look you here, Sir Cardinal!" said she; "the thing which the king +likes is not to receive the holy oils." + +Then came Oliver le Daim, whom she would not listen to either, and to +whose nonsense she replied, that she would ask the king if he wished +her to be shaved. + +Now as the said shaver did not supplicate her to keep his proposals +secret, she suspected that these little plots were ruses practised by +the king, whose suspicions had perhaps been aroused by her friends. +Now, for being able to revenge herself upon Louis, she at least +determined to pay out the said lords, to make fools of them, and amuse +the king with the tricks she would play upon them. One evening that +they had come to supper, she had a lady of the city with her, who +wished to speak with the king. This lady was a lady of position, who +wished asked the king pardon for her husband, the which, in +consequence of this adventure, she obtained. Nicole Beaupertuys having +led the king aside for a moment into an antechamber, told him to make +their guests drink hard and eat to repletion; that he was to make +merry and joke with them; but when the cloth was removed, he was to +pick quarrels with them about trifles, dispute their words, and be +sharp with them; and that she would then divert him by turning them +inside out before him. But above all things, he was to be friendly to +the said lady, and it was to appear as genuine, as if she enjoyed the +perfume of his favour, because she had gallantly lent herself to this +good joke. + +"Well, gentlemen," said the king, re-entering the room, "let us fall +to; we have had a good day's sport." + +And the surgeon, the cardinal, a fat bishop, the captain of the Scotch +Guard, a parliamentary envoy, and a judge loved of the king, followed +the two ladies into the room where one rubs the rust off one's jaw +bones. And there they lined the mold of their doublets. What is that? +It is to pave the stomach, to practice the chemistry of nature, to +register the various dishes, to regale your tripes, to dig your grave +with your teeth, play with the sword of Cain, to inter sauces, to +support a cuckold. But more philosophically it is to make ordure with +one's teeth. Now, do you understand? How many words does it require to +burst open the lid of your understanding? + +The king did not fail to distill into his guests this splendid and +first-class supper. He stuffed them with green peas, returning to the +hotch-potch, praising the plums, commending the fish, saying to one, +"Why do you not eat?" to another, "Drink to Madame"; to all of them, +"Gentlemen, taste these lobsters; put this bottle to death! You do not +know the flavour of this forcemeat. And these lampreys--ah! what do +you say to them? And by the Lord! The finest barbel ever drawn from +the Loire! Just stick your teeth into this pastry. This game is my own +hunting; he who takes it not offends me." And again, "Drink, the +king's eyes are the other way. Just give your opinion of these +preserves, they are Madame's own. Have some of these grapes, they are +my own growing. Have some medlars." And while inducing them to swell +out their abdominal protuberances, the good monarch laughed with them, +and they joked and disputed, and spat, and blew their noses, and +kicked up just as though the king had not been with them. Then so much +victuals had been taken on board, so many flagons drained and stews +spoiled, that the faces of the guests were the colour of cardinals +gowns, and their doublets appeared ready to burst, since they were +crammed with meat like Troyes sausages from the top to the bottom of +their paunches. Going into the saloon again, they broke into a profuse +sweat, began to blow, and to curse their gluttony. The king sat +quietly apart; each of them was the more willing to be silent because +all their forces were required for the intestinal digestion of the +huge platefuls confined in their stomachs, which began to wabble and +rumble violently. One said to himself, "I was stupid to eat of that +sauce." Another scolded himself for having indulged in a plate of eels +cooked with capers. Another thought to himself, "Oh! oh! The forcemeat +is serving me out." The cardinal, who was the biggest bellied man of +the lot, snorted through his nostrils like a frightened horse. It was +he who was first compelled to give vent to a loud sounding belch, and +then he soon wished himself in Germany, where this is a form of +salutation, for the king hearing this gastric language looked at the +cardinal with knitted brows. + +"What does this mean?" said he, "am I a simple clerk?" + +This was heard with terror, because usually the king made much of a +good belch well off the stomach. The other guests determined to get +rid in another way of the vapours which were dodging about in their +pancreatic retorts; and at first they endeavoured to hold them for a +little while in the pleats of their mesenteries. It was then that some +of them puffed and swelled like tax-gatherers. Beaupertuys took the +good king aside and said to him-- + +"Know now that I have had made by the Church jeweller Peccard, two +large dolls, exactly resembling this lady and myself. Now when hard- +pressed by the drugs which I have put in their goblets, they desire to +mount the throne to which we are now about to pretend to go, they will +always find the place taken; by this means you will enjoy their +writhings." + +Thus having said, La Beaupertuys disappeared with the lady to go and +turn the wheel, after the custom of women, and of which I will tell +you the origin in another place. And after an honest lapse of water, +Beaupertuys came back alone, leaving it to be believed that she had +left the lady at the little laboratory of natural alchemy. Thereupon +the king, singling out the cardinal, made him get up, and talked with +him seriously of his affairs, holding him by the tassel of his amice. +To all that the king said, La Balue replied, "Yes, sir," to be +delivered from this favour, and slip out of the room, since the water +was in his cellars, and he was about to lose the key of his back-door. +All the guests were in a state of not knowing how to arrest the +progress of the fecal matter to which nature has given, even more than +to water, the property of finding a certain level. Their substances +modified themselves and glided working downward, like those insects +who demand to be let out of their cocoons, raging, tormenting, and +ungrateful to the higher powers; for nothing is so ignorant, so +insolent as those cursed objects, and they are importunate like all +things detained to whom one owes liberty. So they slipped at every +turn like eels out of a net, and each one had need of great efforts +and science not to disgrace himself before the king. Louis took great +pleasure in interrogating his guests, and was much amused with the +vicissitudes of their physiognomies, on which were reflected the dirty +grimaces of their writhings. The counsellor of justice said to Oliver, +"I would give my office to be behind a hedge for half a dozen +seconds." + +"Oh, there is no enjoyment to equal a good stool; and now I am no +longer astonished at sempiternal droppings of a fly," replied the +surgeon. + +The cardinal believing that the lady had obtained her receipt from the +bank of deposit, left the tassels of his girdle in the king's hand, +making a start as if he had forgotten to say his prayers, and made his +way towards the door. + +"What is the matter with you, Monsieur le Cardinal?" said the king. + +"By my halidame, what is the matter with me? It appears that all your +affairs are very extensive, sire!" + +The cardinal had slipped out, leaving the others astonished at his +cunning. He proceeded gloriously towards the lower room, loosening a +little the strings of his purse; but when he opened the blessed little +door he found the lady at her functions upon the throne, like a pope +about to be consecrated. Then restraining his impatience, he descended +the stairs to go into the garden. However, on the last steps the +barking of the dogs put him in great fear of being bitten in one of +his precious hemispheres; and not knowing where to deliver himself of +his chemical produce he came back into the room, shivering like a man +who has been in the open air! The others seeing the cardinal return, +imagined that he had emptied his natural reservoirs, unburdened his +ecclesiastical bowels, and believed him happy. Then the surgeon rose +quickly, as if to take note of the tapestries and count the rafters, +but gained the door before anyone else, and relaxing his sphincter in +advance, he hummed a tune on his way to the retreat; arrived there he +was compelled, like La Balue, to murmur words of excuse to this +student of perpetual motion, shutting the door with as promptitude as +he opened it; and he came back burdened with an accumulation which +seriously impeded his private channels. And in the same way went to +guests one after the other, without being able to unburden themselves +of their sauces, as soon again found themselves all in the presence of +Louis the Eleventh, as much distressed as before, looking at each +other slyly, understanding each other better with their tails than +they ever understood with their mouths, for there is never any +equivoque in the transactions of the parts of nature, and everything +therein is rational and of easy comprehension, seeing that it is a +science which we learn at our birth. + +"I believe," said the cardinal to the surgeon, "that lady will go on +until to-morrow. What was La Beaupertuys about to ask such a case of +diarrhoea here?" + +"She's been an hour working at what I could get done in a minute. May +the fever seize her" cried Oliver le Daim. + +All the courtiers seized with colic were walking up and down to make +their importunate matters patient, when the said lady reappeared in +the room. You can believe they found her beautiful and graceful, and +would willingly have kissed her, there where they so longed to go; and +never did they salute the day with more favour than this lady, the +liberator of the poor unfortunate bodies. La Balue rose; the others, +from honour, esteem, and reverence of the church, gave way to the +clergy, and, biding their time, they continued to make grimaces, at +which the king laughed to himself with Nicole, who aided him to stop +the respiration of these loose-bowelled gentlemen. The good Scotch +captain, who more than all the others had eaten of a dish in which the +cook had put an aperient powder, became the victim of misplaced +confidence. He went ashamed into a corner, hoping that before the +king, his mishap might escape detection. At this moment the cardinal +returned horribly upset, because he had found La Beaupertuys on the +episcopal seat. Now, in his torments, not knowing if she were in the +room, he came back and gave vent to a diabolical "Oh!" on beholding +her near his master. + +"What do you mean?" exclaimed the king, looking at the priest in a way +to give him the fever. + +"Sire," said La Balue, insolently, "the affairs of purgatory are in my +ministry, and I am bound to inform you that there is sorcery going on +in this house." + +"Ah! little priest, you wish to make game of me!" said the king. + +At these words the company were in a terrible state. + +"So you treat me with disrespect?" said the king, which made them turn +pale. "Ho, there! Tristan, my friend!" cried Louis XI. from the +window, which he threw up suddenly, "come up here!" + +The grand provost of the hotel was not long before he appeared; and as +these gentlemen were all nobodies, raised to their present position by +the favour of the king, Louis, in a moment of anger, could crush them +at will; so that with the exception of the cardinal who relied upon +his cassock, Tristan found them all rigid and aghast. + +"Conduct these gentleman to the Pretorium, on the Mall, my friend, +they have disgraced themselves through over-eating." + +"Am I not good at jokes?" said Nicole to him. + +"The farce is good, but it is fetid," replied he, laughing. + +This royal answer showed the courtiers that this time the king did not +intend to play with their heads, for which they thanked heaven. The +monarch was partial to these dirty tricks. He was not at all a bad +fellow, as the guests remarked while relieving themselves against the +side of the Mall with Tristan, who, like a good Frenchman, kept them +company, and escorted them to their homes. This is why since that time +the citizens of Tours had never failed to defile the Mall of +Chardonneret, because the gentlemen of the court had been there. + +I will not leave this great king without committing to writing this +good joke which he played upon La Godegrand, who was an old maid, much +disgusted that she had not, during the forty years she had lived, been +able to find a lid to her saucepan, enraged, in her yellow skin, that +she still was as virgin as a mule. This old maid had her apartments on +the other side of the house which belonged to La Beaupertuys, at the +corner of the Rue de Hierusalem, in such a position that, standing on +the balcony joining the wall, it was easy to see what she was doing, +and hear what she was saying in the lower room where she lived; and +often the king derived much amusement from the antics of the old girl, +who did not know that she was so much within the range of his +majesty's culverin. Now one market day it happened that the king had +caused to be hanged a young citizen of Tours, who had violated a noble +lady of a certain age, believing that she was a young maiden. There +would have been no harm in this, and it would have been a thing +greatly to the credit of the said lady to have been taken for a +virgin; but on finding out his mistake, he had abominably insulted +her, and suspecting her of trickery, had taken it into his head to rob +her of a splendid silver goblet, in payment of the present he had just +made her. This young man had long hair, and was so handsome that the +whole town wished to see him hanged, both from regret and out of +curiosity. You may be sure that at this hanging there were more caps +than hats. Indeed, the said young man swung very well; and after the +fashion and custom of persons hanged, he died gallantly with his lance +couched, which fact made a great noise in the town. Many ladies said +on this subject that it was a murder not to have preserved so fine a +fellow from the scaffold. + +"Suppose we were to put this handsome corpse in the bed of La +Godegrand," said La Beaupertuys to the king. + +"We should terrify her," replied Louis. + +"Not at all, sire. Be sure that she will welcome even a dead man, so +madly does she long for a living one. Yesterday I saw her making love +to a young man's cap placed on the top of a chair, and you would have +laughed heartily at her words and gestures." + +Now while this forty-year-old virgin was at vespers, the king sent to +have this young townsman, who had just finished the last scene of his +tragic farce, taken down, and having dressed him in a white shirt, two +officers got over the walls of La Godegrand's garden, and put the +corpse into her bed, on the side nearest the street. Having done this +they went away, and the king remained in the room with the balcony to +it, playing with Beaupertuys, and awaiting an hour at which the old +maid should go to bed. La Godegrand soon came back with a hop, skip, +and jump, as the Tourainians say, from the church of St Martin, from +which she was not far, since the Rue de Hierusalem touches the walls +of the cloister. She entered her house, laid down her prayer-book, +chaplet, and rosary, and other ammunition which these old girls carry, +then poked the fire, and blew it, warmed herself at it, settled +herself in her chair, and played with her cat for want of something +better; then she went to the larder, supping and sighing, and sighing +and supping, eating alone, with her eyes cast down upon the carpet; +and after having drunk, behaved in a manner forbidden in court +society. + +"Ah!" the corpse said to her, 'God bless you!'" + +At this joke of luck of La Beaupertuys, both laughed heartily in their +sleeves. And with great attention this very Christian king watched the +undressing of the old maid, who admired herself while removing her +things--pulling out a hair, or scratching a pimple which had +maliciously come upon her nose; picking her teeth, and doing a +thousand little things which, alas! all ladies, virgins or not, are +obliged to do, much to their annoyance; but without these little +faults of nature, they would be too proud, and one would not be able +to enjoy their society. Having achieved her aquatic and musical +discourse, the old maid got in between the sheets, and yelled forth a +fine, great, ample, and curious cry, when she saw, when she smelt the +fresh vigour of this hanged man and the sweet perfume of his manly +youth; then sprang away from him out of coquetry. But as she did not +know he was really dead, she came back again, believing he was mocking +her, and counterfeiting death. + +"Go away, you bad young man!" said she. + +But you can imagine that she proffered this requests in a most humble +and gracious tone of voice. Then seeing that he did not move, she +examined him more closely, and was much astonished at this so fine +human nature when she recognised the young fellow, upon whom the fancy +took her to perform some purely scientific experiments in the +interests of hanged persons. + +"What is she doing?" said La Beaupertuys to the king. + +"She is trying to reanimate him. It is a work of Christian humanity." + +And the old girl rubbed and warmed this fine young man, supplicating +holy Mary the Egyptian to aid her to renew the life of this husband +who had fallen so amorously from heaven, when, suddenly looking at the +dead body she was so charitably rubbing, she thought she saw a slight +movement in the eyes; then she put her hand upon the man's heart, and +felt it beat feebly. At length, from the warmth of the bed and of +affection, and by the temperature of old maids, which is by far more +burning then the warm blasts of African deserts, she had the delight +of bringing to life that fine handsome young fellow who by lucky +chance had been very badly hanged. + +"See how my executioners serve me!" said Louis, laughing. + +"Ah!" said La Beaupertuys, "you will not have him hanged again? he is +too handsome." + +"The decree does not say that he shall be hanged twice, but he shall +marry the old woman." + +Indeed, the good lady went in a great hurry to seek a master leech, a +good bleeder, who lived in the Abbey, and brought him back directly. +He immediately took his lancet, and bled the young man. And as no +blood came out: "Ah!" said he, "it is too late, the transshipment of +blood in the lungs has taken place." + +But suddenly this good young blood oozed out a little, and then came +out in abundance, and the hempen apoplexy, which had only just begun, +was arrested in its course. The young man moved and came more to life; +then he fell, from natural causes, into a state of great weakness and +profound sadness, prostration of flesh and general flabbiness. Now the +old maid, who was all eyes, and followed the great and notable changes +which were taking place in the person of this badly hanged man, pulled +the surgeon by the sleeve, and pointing out to him, by a curious +glance of the eye, the piteous cause, said to him-- + +"Will he for the future be always like that?" + +"Often," replied the veracious surgeon. + +"Oh! he was much nicer hanged!" + +At this speech the king burst out laughing. Seeing him at the window, +the woman and the surgeon were much frightened, for this laugh seemed +to them a second sentence of death for their poor victim. But the king +kept his word, and married them. And in order to do justice he gave +the husband the name of the Sieur de Mortsauf in the place of the one +he had lost upon the scaffold. As La Godegrand had a very big basket +of crowns, they founded a good family in Touraine, which still exists +and is much respected, since M. de Mortsauf faithfully served Louis +the Eleventh on different occasions. Only he never liked to come +across gibbets or old women, and never again made amorous assignations +in the night. + +This teaches us to thoroughly verify and recognise women, and not to +deceive ourselves in the local difference which exists between the old +and the young, for if we are not hanged for our errors of love, there +are always great risks to run. + + + +THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE + +The high constable of Armagnac espoused from the desire of a great +fortune, the Countess Bonne, who was already considerably enamoured of +little Savoisy, son of the chamberlain to his majesty King Charles the +Sixth. + +The constable was a rough warrior, miserable in appearance, tough in +skin, thickly bearded, always uttering angry words, always busy +hanging people, always in the sweat of battles, or thinking of other +stratagems than those of love. Thus the good soldier, caring little to +flavour the marriage stew, used his charming wife after the fashion of +a man with more lofty ideas; of the which the ladies have a great +horror, since they like not the joists of the bed to be the sole +judges of their fondling and vigorous conduct. + +Now the lovely Countess, as soon as she was grafted on the constable, +only nibbled more eagerly at the love with which her heart was laden +for the aforesaid Savoisy, which that gentleman clearly perceived. + +Wishing both to study the same music, they would soon harmonise their +fancies, and decipher the hieroglyphic; and this was a thing clearly +demonstrated to the Queen Isabella, that Savoisy's horses were oftener +stabled at the house of her cousin of Armagnac than in the Hotel St. +Pol, where the chamberlain lived, since the destruction of his +residence, ordered by the university, as everyone knows. + +This discreet and wise princess, fearing in advance some unfortunate +adventure for Bonne--the more so as the constable was as ready to +brandish his broadsword as a priest to bestow benedictions--the said +queen, as sharp as a dirk, said one day, while coming out from +vespers, to her cousin, who was taking the holy water with Savoisy-- + +"My dear, don't you see some blood in that water?" + +"Bah!" said Savoisy to the queen. "Love likes blood, Madame." + +This the Queen considered a good reply, and put it into writing, and +later on, into action, when her lord the king wounded one of her +lovers, whose business you see settled in this narrative. + +You know by constant experience, that in the early time of love each +of two lovers is always in great fear of exposing the mystery of the +heart, and as much from the flower of prudence as from the amusement +yielded by the sweet tricks of gallantry they play at who can best +conceal their thoughts, but one day of forgetfulness suffices to inter +the whole virtuous past. The poor woman is taken in her joy as in a +lasso; her sweetheart proclaims his presence, or sometimes his +departure, by some article of clothing--a scarf, a spur, left by some +fatal chance, and there comes a stroke of the dagger that severs the +web so gallantly woven by their golden delights. But when one is full +of days, he should not make a wry face at death, and the sword of a +husband is a pleasant death for a gallant, if there be pleasant +deaths. So may be will finish the merry amours of the constable's +wife. + +One morning Monsieur d'Armagnac having lots of leisure time in +consequence of the flight of the Duke of Burgundy, who was quitting +Lagny, thought he would go and wish his lady good day, and attempted +to wake her up in a pleasant enough fashion, so that she should not be +angry; but she sunk in the heavy slumbers of the morning, replied to +the action-- + +"Leave me alone, Charles!" + +"Oh, oh," said the constable, hearing the name of a saint who was not +one of his patrons, "I have a Charles on my head!" + +Then, without touching his wife, he jumped out of the bed, and ran +upstairs with his face flaming and his sword drawn, to the place where +slept the countess's maid-servant, convinced that the said servant had +a finger in the pie. + +"Ah, ah, wench of hell!" cried he, to commence the discharge of his +passion, "say thy prayers, for I intend to kill thee instantly, +because of the secret practices of Charles who comes here." + +"Ah, Monseigneur," replied the woman, "who told you that?" + +"Stand steady, that I may rip thee at one blow if you do not confess +to me every assignation given, and in what manner they have been +arranged. If thy tongue gets entangled, if thou falterest, I will +pierce thee with my dagger!" + +"Pierce me through!" replied the girl; "you will learn nothing." + +The constable, having taken this excellent reply amiss, ran her +through on the spot, so mad was he with rage; and came back into his +wife's chamber and said to his groom, whom, awakened by the shrieks of +the girl, he met upon the stairs, "Go upstairs; I've corrected +Billette rather severely." + +Before he reappeared in the presence of Bonne he went to fetch his +son, who was sleeping like a child, and led him roughly into her room. +The mother opened her eyes pretty widely, you may imagine--at the +cries of her little one; and was greatly terrified at seeing him in +the hands of her husband, who had his right hand all bloody, and cast +a fierce glance on the mother and son. + +"What is the matter?" said she. + +"Madame," asked the man of quick execution, "this child, is he the +fruit of my loins, or those of Savoisy, your lover?" + +At this question Bonne turned pale, and sprang upon her son like a +frightened frog leaping into the water. + +"Ah, he is really ours," said she. + +"If you do not wish to see his head roll at your feet confess yourself +to me, and no prevarication. You have given me a lieutenant." + +"Indeed!" + +"Who is he?" + +"It is not Savoisy, and I will never say the name of a man that I +don't know." + +Thereupon the constable rose, took his wife by the arm to cut her +speech with a blow of the sword, but she, casting upon him an imperial +glance, cried-- + +"Kill me if you will, but touch me not." + +"You shall live," replied the husband, "because I reserve you for a +chastisement more ample then death." + +And doubting the inventions, snares, arguments, and artifices familiar +to women in these desperate situations, of which they study night and +day the variations, by themselves, or between themselves, he departed +with this rude and bitter speech. He went instantly to interrogate his +servants, presenting to them a face divinely terrible; so all of them +replied to him as they would to God the Father on the Judgment Day, +when each of us will be called to his account. + +None of them knew the serious mischief which was at the bottom of +these summary interrogations and crafty interlocutions; but from all +that they said, the constable came to the conclusion that no male in +his house was in the business, except one of his dogs, whom he found +dumb, and to whom he had given the post of watching the gardens; so +taking him in his hands, he strangled him with rage. This fact incited +him by induction to suppose that the other constable came into his +house by the garden, of which the only entrance was a postern opening +on to the water side. + +It is necessary to explain to those who are ignorant of it, the +locality of the Hotel d'Armagnac, which had a notable situation near +to the royal houses of St. Pol. On this site has since been built the +hotel of Longueville. Then as at the present time, the residence of +d'Armagnac had a porch of fine stone in Rue St. Antoine, was fortified +at all points, and the high walls by the river side, in face of the +Ile du Vaches, in the part where now stands the port of La Greve, were +furnished with little towers. The design of these has for a long time +been shown at the house of Cardinal Duprat, the king's Chancellor. The +constable ransacked his brains, and at the bottom, from his finest +stratagems, drew the best, and fitted it so well to the present case, +that the gallant would be certain to be taken like a hare in the trap. +"'Sdeath," said he, "my planter of horns is taken, and I have the time +now to think how I shall finish him off." + +Now this is the order of battle which this grand hairy captain who +waged such glorious war against Duke Jean-sans-Peur commanded for the +assault of his secret enemy. He took a goodly number of his most loyal +and adroit archers, and placed them on the quay tower, ordering them +under the heaviest penalties to draw without distinction of persons, +except his wife, on those of his household who should attempt to leave +the gardens, and to admit therein, either by night or by day, the +favoured gentleman. The same was done on the porch side, in the Rue St +Antoine. + +The retainers, even the chaplain, were ordered not to leave the house +under pain of death. Then the guard of the two sides of the hotel +having been committed to the soldiers of a company of ordnance, who +were ordered to keep a sharp lookout in the side streets, it was +certain that the unknown lover to whom the constable was indebted for +his pair of horns, would be taken warm, when, knowing nothing, he +should come at the accustomed hour of love to insolently plant his +standard in the heart of the legitimate appurtenances of the said lord +count. + +It was a trap into which the most expert man would fall unless he was +seriously protected by the fates, as was the good St. Peter by the +Saviour when he prevented him going to the bottom of the sea the day +when they had a fancy to try if the sea were as solid as terra firma. + +The constable had business with the inhabitants of Poissy, and was +obliged to be in the saddle after dinner, so that, knowing his +intention, the poor Countess Bonne determined at night to invite her +young gallant to that charming duel in which she was always the +stronger. + +While the constable was making round his hotel a girdle of spies and +of death, and hiding his people near the postern to seize the gallant +as he came out, not knowing where he would spring from, his wife was +not amusing herself by threading peas nor seeking black cows in the +embers. First, the maid-servant who had been stuck, unstuck herself +and dragged herself to her mistress; she told her that her outraged +lord knew nothing, and that before giving up the ghost she would +comfort her dear mistress by assuring her that she could have perfect +confidence in her sister, who was laundress in the hotel, and was +willing to let herself be chopped up as small as sausage-meat to +please Madame. That she was the most adroit and roguish woman in the +neighbourhood, and renowned from the council chamber to the Trahoir +cross among the common people, and fertile in invention for the +desperate cases of love. + +Then, while weeping for the decease of her good chamber woman, the +countess sent for the laundress, made her leave her tubs and join her +in rummaging the bag of good tricks, wishing to save Savoisy, even at +the price of her future salvation. + +First of all the two women determined to let him know their lord and +master's suspicion, and beg him to be careful. + +Now behold the good washerwoman who, carrying her tub like a mule, +attempts to leave the hotel. But at the porch she found a man-at-arms +who turned a deaf ear to all the blandishments of the wash-tub. Then +she resolved, from her great devotion, to take the soldier on his weak +side, and she tickled him so with her fondling that he romped very +well with her, although he was armour-plated ready for battle; but +when the game was over he still refused to let her go into the street +and although she tried to get herself a passport sealed by some of the +handsomest, believing them more gallant: neither the archers, men-at- +arms, nor others, dared open for her the smallest entrance of the +house. "You are wicked and ungrateful wretches," said she, "not to +render me a like service." + +Luckily at this employment she learned everything, and came back in +great haste to her mistress, to whom she recounted the strange +machinations of the count. The two women held a fresh council and had +not considered, the time it takes to sing Alleluia, twice, these +warlike appearances, watches, defences, and equivocal, specious, and +diabolical orders and dispositions before they recognised by the sixth +sense with which all females are furnished, the special danger which +threatened the poor lover. + +Madame having learned that she alone had leave to quit the house, +ventured quickly to profit by her right, but she did not go the length +of a bow-shot, since the constable had ordered four of his pages to be +always on duty ready to accompany the countess, and two of the ensigns +of his company not to leave her. Then the poor lady returned to her +chamber, weeping as much as all the Magdalens one sees in the church +pictures, could weep together. + +"Alas!" said she, "my lover must then be killed, and I shall never see +him again! . . . he whose words were so sweet, whose manners were so +graceful, that lovely head that had so often rested on my knees, will +now be bruised . . . What! Can I not throw to my husband an empty and +valueless head in place of the one full of charms and worth . . . a +rank head for a sweet-smelling one; a hated head for a head of love." + +"Ah, Madame!" cried the washerwoman, "suppose we dress up in the +garments of a nobleman, the steward's son who is mad for me, and +wearies me much, and having thus accoutered him, we push him out +through the postern. + +Thereupon the two women looked at each other with assassinating eyes. + +"This marplot," said she, "once slain, all those soldiers will fly +away like geese." + +"Yes, but will not the count recognise the wretch?" + +And the countess, striking her breast, exclaimed, shaking her head, +"No, no, my dear, here it is noble blood that must be spilt without +stint." + +Then she thought a little, and jumping with joy, suddenly kissed the +laundress, saying, "Because I have saved my lover's life by your +counsel, I will pay you for his life until death." + +Thereupon the countess dried her tears, put on the face of a bride, +took her little bag and a prayer-book, and went towards the Church of +St. Pol whose bells she heard ringing, seeing that the last Mass was +about to be said. In this sweet devotion the countess never failed, +being a showy woman, like all the ladies of the court. Now this was +called the full-dress Mass, because none but fops, fashionables, young +gentlemen and ladies puffed out and highly scented, were to be met +there. In fact no dresses was seen there without armorial bearings, +and no spurs that were not gilt. + +So the Countess of Bonne departed, leaving at the hotel the laundress +much astonished, and charged to keep her eyes about her, and came with +great pomp to the church, accompanied by her pages, the two ensigns +and men-at-arms. It is here necessary to say that among the band of +gallant knights who frisked round the ladies in church, the countess +had more than one whose joy she was, and who had given his heart to +her, after the fashion of youths who put down enough and to spare upon +their tablets, only in order to make a conquest of at least one out of +a great number. + +Among these birds of fine prey who with open beaks looked oftener +between the benches and the paternosters than towards the altar and +the priests, there was one upon whom the countess sometimes bestowed +the charity of a glance, because he was less trifling and more deeply +smitten than all the others. + +This one remained bashful, always stuck against the same pillar, never +moving from it, but readily ravished with the sight alone of this lady +whom he had chosen as his. His pale face was softly melancholy. His +physiognomy gave proof of fine heart, one of those which nourish +ardent passions and plunge delightedly into the despairs of love +without hope. Of these people there are few, because ordinarily one +likes more a certain thing than the unknown felicities lying and +flourishing at the bottommost depths of the soul. + +This said gentleman, although his garments were well made, and clean +and neat, having even a certain amount of taste shown in the +arrangement, seemed to the constable's wife to be a poor knight +seeking fortune, and come from afar, with his nobility for his +portion. Now partly from a suspicion of his secret poverty, partly +because she was well beloved by him and a little because he had a good +countenance, fine black hair, and a good figure, and remained humble +and submissive in all, the constable's wife desired for him the favour +of women and of fortune, not to let his gallantry stand idle, and from +a good housewifely idea, she fired his imagination according to her +fantasies, by certain small favours and little looks which serpented +towards him like biting adders, trifling with the happiness of this +young life, like a princess accustomed to play with objects more +precious than a simple knight. In fact, her husband risked the whole +kingdom as you would a penny at piquet. Finally it was only three days +since, at the conclusion of vespers, that the constable's wife pointed +out to the queen this follower of love, said laughingly-- + +"There's a man of quality." + +This sentence remained in the fashionable language. Later it became a +custom so to designate the people of the court. It was to the wife of +the constable d'Armagnac, and to no other source, that the French +language is indebted for this charming expression. + +By a lucky chance the countess had surmised correctly concerning this +gentleman. He was a bannerless knight, named Julien de Boys-Bourredon, +who not having inherited on his estate enough to make a toothpick, and +knowing no other wealth than the rich nature with which his dead +mother had opportunely furnished him, conceived the idea of deriving +therefrom both rent and profit at court, knowing how fond ladies are +of those good revenues, and value them high and dear, when they can +stand being looked at between two suns. There are many like him who +have thus taken the narrow road of women to make their way; but he, +far from arranging his love in measured qualities, spend funds and +all, as soon as he came to the full-dress Mass, he saw the triumphant +beauty of the Countess Bonne. Then he fell really in love, which was a +grand thing for his crowns, because he lost both thirst and appetite. +This love is of the worst kind, because it incites you to the love of +diet, during the diet of love; a double malady, of which one is +sufficient to extinguish a man. + +Such was the young gentlemen of whom the good lady had thought, and +towards whom she came quickly to invite him to his death. + +On entering she saw the poor chevalier, who faithful to his pleasure, +awaited her, his back against a pillar, as a sick man longs for the +sun, the spring-time, and the dawn. Then she turned away her eyes, and +wished to go to the queen and request her assistance in this desperate +case, for she took pity on her lover, but one of the captains said to +her, with great appearance of respect, "Madame, we have orders not to +allow you to speak with man or woman, even though it should be the +queen or your confessor. And remember that the lives of all of us are +at stake." + +"Is it not your business to die?" said she. + +"And also to obey," replied the soldier. + +Then the countess knelt down in her accustomed place, and again +regarding her faithful slave, found his face thinner and more deeply +lined than ever it had been. + +"Bah!" said she, "I shall have less remorse for his death; he is half +dead as it is." + +With this paraphrase of her idea, she cast upon the said gentleman one +of those warm ogles that are only allowable to princesses and harlots, +and the false love which her lovely eyes bore witness to, gave a +pleasant pang to the gallant of the pillar. Who does not love the warm +attack of life when it flows thus round the heart and engulfs +everything? + +Madame recognised with a pleasure, always fresh in the minds of women, +the omnipotence of her magnificent regard by the answer which, without +saying a word, the chevalier made to it. And in fact, the blushes +which empurpled his cheeks spoke better than the best speeches of the +Greek and Latin orators, and were well understood. At this sweet +sight, the countess, to make sure that it was not a freak of nature, +took pleasure in experimentalising how far the virtue of her eyes +would go, and after having heated her slave more than thirty times, +she was confirmed in her belief that he would bravely die for her. +This idea so touched her, that from three repetitions between her +orisons she was tickled with the desire to put into a lump all the +joys of man, and to dissolve them for him in one single glance of +love, in order that she should not one day be reproached with having +not only dissipated the life, but also the happiness of this +gentleman. When the officiating priest turned round to sing the Off +you go to this fine gilded flock, the constable's wife went out by the +side of the pillar where her courtier was, passed in front of him and +endeavoured to insinuate into his understanding by a speaking glance +that he was to follow her, and to make positive the intelligence and +significant interpretation of this gentle appeal, the artful jade +turned round again a little after passing him to again request his +company. She saw that he had moved a little from his place, and dared +not advance, so modest was he, but upon this last sign, the gentleman, +sure of not being over-credulous, mixed with the crowd with little and +noiseless steps, like an innocent who is afraid of venturing into one +of those good places people call bad ones. And whether he walked +behind or in front, to the right or to the left, my lady bestowed upon +him a glistening glance to allure him the more and the better to draw +him to her, like a fisher who gently jerks the lines in order to hook +the gudgeon. To be brief: the countess practiced so well the +profession of the daughters of pleasure when they work to bring grist +into their mills, that one would have said nothing resembled a harlot +so much as a woman of high birth. And indeed, on arriving at the porch +of her hotel the countess hesitated to enter therein, and again turned +her face towards the poor chevalier to invite him to accompany her, +discharging at him so diabolical a glance, that he ran to the queen of +his heart, believing himself to be called by her. Thereupon, she +offered him her hand, and both boiling and trembling from the contrary +causes found themselves inside the house. At this wretched hour, +Madame d'Armagnac was ashamed of having done all these harlotries to +the profit of death, and of betraying Savoisy the better to save him; +but this slight remorse was lame as the greater, and came tardily. +Seeing everything ready, the countess leaned heavily upon her vassal's +arm, and said to him-- + +"Come quickly to my room; it is necessary that I should speak with +you." + +And he, not knowing that his life was in peril, found no voice +wherewith to reply, so much did the hope of approaching happiness +choke him. + +When the laundress saw this handsome gentleman so quickly hooked, +"Ah!" said she, "these ladies of the court are best at such work." +Then she honoured this courtier with a profound salutation, in which +was depicted the ironical respect due to those who have the great +courage to die for so little. + +"Picard," said the constable's lady, drawing the laundress to her by +the skirt, "I have not the courage to confess to him the reward with +which I am about to pay his silent love and his charming belief in the +loyalty of women." + +"Bah! Madame: why tell him? Send him away well contented by the +postern. So many men die in war for nothing, cannot this one die for +something? I'll produce another like him if that will console you." + +"Come along," cried the countess, "I will confess all to him. That +will be the punishment for my sins." + +Thinking that this lady was arranging with her servant certain +trifling provisions and secret things in order not to be disturbed in +the interview she had promised him, the unknown lover kept at a +discreet distance, looking at the flies. Nevertheless, he thought that +the countess was very bold, but also, as even a hunchback would have +done, he found a thousand reasons to justify her, and thought himself +quite worthy to inspire such recklessness. He was lost in those good +thoughts when the constable's wife opened the door of her chamber, and +invited the chevalier to follow her in. There his noble lady cast +aside all the apparel of her lofty fortune, and falling at the feet of +this gentleman, became a simple woman. + +"Alas, sweet sir!" said she, "I have acted vilely towards you. Listen. +On your departure from this house, you will meet your death. The love +which I feel for another has bewildered me, and without being able to +hold his place here, you will have to take it before his murderers. +This is the joy to which I have bidden you." + +"Ah!" Replied Boys-Bourredon, interring in the depths of his heart a +dark despair, "I am grateful to you for having made use of me as of +something which belonged to you. . . . Yes, I love you so much that +every day you I have dreamed of offering you in imitation of the +ladies, a thing that can be given but once. Take, then, my life!" + +And the poor chevalier, in saying this, gave her one glance to suffice +for all the time he would have been able to look at her through the +long days. Hearing these brave and loving words, Bonne rose suddenly. + +"Ah! were it not for Savoisy, how I would love thee!" said she. + +"Alas! my fate is then accomplished," replied Boys-Bourredon. "My +horoscope predicted that I should die by the love of a great lady. Ah, +God!" said he, clutching his good sword, "I will sell my life dearly, +but I shall die content in thinking that my decease ensures the +happiness of her I love. I should live better in her memory than in +reality." At the sight of the gesture and the beaming face of this +courageous man, the constable's wife was pierced to the heart. But +soon she was wounded to the quick because he seemed to wish to leave +her without even asking of her the smallest favour. + +"Come, that I may arm you," said she to him, making an attempt to kiss +him. + +"Ha! my lady-love," replied he, moistening with a gentle tear the fire +of his eyes, "would you render my death impossible by attaching too +great a value to my life?" + +"Come," cried she, overcome by this intense love, "I do not know what +the end of all this will be, but come--afterwards we will go and +perish together at the postern." + +The same flame leaped in their hearts, the same harmony had struck for +both, they embraced each other with a rapture in the delicious excess +of that mad fever which you know well I hope; they fell into a +profound forgetfulness of the dangers of Savoisy, of themselves, of +the constable, of death, of life, of everything. + +Meanwhile the watchman at the porch had gone to inform the constable +of the arrival of the gallant, and to tell him how the infatuated +gentleman had taken no notice of the winks which, during Mass and on +the road, the countess had given him in order to prevent his +destruction. They met their master arriving in great haste at the +postern, because on their side the archers of the quay had whistled to +him afar off, saying to him-- + +"The Sire de Savoisy has passed in." + +And indeed Savoisy had come at the appointed hour, and like all the +lovers, thinking only of his lady, he had not seen the count's spies +and had slipped in at the postern. This collision of lovers was the +cause of the constable's cutting short the words of those who came +from the Rue St. Antoine, saying to them with a gesture of authority, +that they did not think wise to disregard-- + +"I know that the animal is taken." + +Thereupon all rushed with a great noise through this said postern, +crying, "Death to him! death to him!" and men-at-arms, archers, the +constable, and the captains, all rushed full tilt upon Charles +Savoisy, the king's nephew, who they attacked under the countess's +window, where by a strange chance, the groans of the poor young man +were dolorously exhaled, mingled with the yells of the soldiers, at +the same time as passionate sighs and cries were given forth by the +two lovers, who hastened up in great fear. + +"Ah!" said the countess, turning pale from terror, "Savoisy is dying +for me!" + +"But I will live for you," replied Boys-Bourredon, "and shall esteem +it a joy to pay the same price for my happiness as he has done." + +"Hide yourself in the clothes chest," cried the countess; "I hear the +constable's footsteps." + +And indeed M. d'Armagnac appeared very soon with a head in his hand, +and putting it all bloody on the mantleshelf, "Behold, Madame," said +he, "a picture which will enlighten you concerning the duties of a +wife towards her husband." + +"You have killed an innocent man," replied the countess, without +changing colour. Savoisy was not my lover." + +And with the this speech she looked proudly at the constable with a +face marked by so much dissimulation and feminine audacity, that the +husband stood looking as foolish as a girl who has allowed a note to +escape her below, before a numerous company, and he was afraid of +having made a mistake. + +"Of whom were you thinking this morning?" asked he. + +"I was dreaming of the king," said she. + +"Then, my dear, why not have told me so?" + +"Would you have believed me in the bestial passion you were in?" + +The constable scratched his ear and replied-- + +"But how came Savoisy with the key of the postern?" + +"I don't know," she said, curtly, "if you will have the goodness to +believe what I have said to you." + +And his wife turned lightly on her heel like a weather-cock turned by +the wind, pretending to go and look after the household affairs. You +can imagine that D'Armagnac was greatly embarrassed with the head of +poor Savoisy, and that for his part Boys-Bourredon had no desire to +cough while listening to the count, who was growling to himself all +sorts of words. At length the constable struck two heavy blows over +the table and said, "I'll go and attack the inhabitants of Poissy." +Then he departed, and when the night was come Boys-Bourredon escaped +from the house in some disguise or other. + +Poor Savoisy was sorely lamented by his lady, who had done all that a +woman could do to save her lover, and later he was more than wept, he +was regretted; for the countess having related this adventure to Queen +Isabella, her majesty seduced Boys-Bourredon from the service of her +cousin and put him to her own, so much was she touched with the +qualities and firm courage of this gentleman. + +Boys-Bourredon was a man whom danger had well recommended to the +ladies. In fact he comported himself so proudly in everything in the +lofty fortune, which the queen had made for him, that having badly +treated King Charles one day when the poor man was in his proper +senses, the courtiers, jealous of favour, informed the king of his +cuckoldom. Boys-Bourredon was in a moment sewn in a sack and thrown +into the Seine, near the ferry at Charenton, as everyone knows. I have +no need add, that since the day when the constable took it into his +head to play thoughtlessly with knives, his good wife utilised so well +the two deaths he had caused and threw them so often in his face, that +she made him as soft as a cat's paw and put him in the straight road +of marriage; and he proclaimed her a modest and virtuous constable's +lady, as indeed she was. As this book should, according to the maxims +of great ancient authors, join certain useful things to the good +laughs which you will find therein and contain precepts of high taste, +I beg to inform you that the quintessence of the story is this: That +women need never lose their heads in serious cases, because the God of +Love never abandons them, especially when they are beautiful, young, +and of good family; and that gallants when going to keep an amorous +assignation should never go there like giddy young men, but carefully, +and keep a sharp look-out near the burrow, to avoid falling into +certain traps and to preserve themselves; for after a good woman the +most precious thing is, certes, a pretty gentleman. + + + +THE MAID OF THILOUSE + +The lord of Valennes, a pleasant place, of which the castle is not far +from the town of Thilouse, had taken a mean wife, who by reason of +taste or antipathy, pleasure or displeasure, health or sickness, +allowed her good husband to abstain from those pleasures stipulated +for in all contracts of marriage. In order to be just, it should be +stated that the above-mentioned lord was a dirty and ill-favoured +person, always hunting wild animals and not the more entertaining than +is a room full of smoke. And what is more, the said sportsman was all +sixty years of age, on which subject, however, he was a silent as a +hempen widow on the subject of rope. But nature, which the crooked, +the bandy-legged, the blind, and the ugly abuse so unmercifully here +below, and have no more esteem for her than the well-favoured,--since, +like workers of tapestry, they know not what they do,--gives the same +appetite to all and to all the same mouth for pudding. So every beast +finds a mate, and from the same fact comes the proverb, "There is no +pot, however ugly, that does not one day find a cover." Now the lord +of Valennes searched everywhere for nice little pots to cover, and +often in addition to wild, he hunted tame animals; but this kind of +game was scarce in the land, and it was an expensive affair to +discover a maid. At length however by reason of much ferreting about +and much enquiry, it happened that the lord of Valennes was informed +that in Thilouse was the widow of a weaver who had a real treasure in +the person of a little damsel of sixteen years, whom she had never +allowed to leave her apronstrings, and whom, with great maternal +forethought, she always accompanied when the calls of nature demanded +her obedience; she had her to sleep with her in her own bed, watched +over her, got her up in the morning, and put her to such a work that +between the twain they gained about eight pennies a day. On fete days +she took her to the church, scarcely giving her a spare moment to +exchange a merry word with the young people; above all was she strict +in keeping hands off the maiden. + +But the times were just then so hard that the widow and her daughter +had only bread enough to save them from dying of hunger, and as they +lodged with one of their poor relations, they often wanted wood in +winter and clothes in summer, owing enough rent to frighten sergeants +of justice, men who are not easily frightened at the debts of others; +in short, while the daughter was increasing in beauty, the mother was +increasing in poverty, and ran into debt on account of her daughter's +virginity, as an alchemist will for the crucible in which his all is +cast. As soon as his plans were arranged and perfect, one rainy day +the said lord of Valennes by a mere chance came into the hovel of the +two spinners, and in order to dry himself sent for some fagots to +Plessis, close by. While waiting for them, he sat on a stool between +the two poor women. By means of the grey shadows and half light of the +cabin, he saw the sweet countenance of the maid of Thilouse; her arms +were red and firm, her breasts hard as bastions, which kept the cold +from her heart, her waist round as a young oak and all fresh and clean +and pretty, like the first frost, green and tender as an April bud; in +fact, she resembled all that is prettiest in the world. She had eyes +of a modest and virtuous blue, with a look more coy than that of the +Virgin, for she was less forward, never having had a child. + +Had any one said to her, "Come, let us make love," she would have +said, "Love! What is that?" she was so innocent and so little open to +the comprehensions of the thing. + +The good old lord twisted about upon his stool, eyeing the maid and +stretching his neck like a monkey trying to catch nuts, which the +mother noticed, but said not a word, being in fear of the lord to whom +the whole of the country belonged. When the fagot was put into the +grate and flared up, the good hunter said to the old woman, "Ah, ah! +that warms one almost as much as your daughter's eyes." + +"But alas, my lord," said she, "we have nothing to cook on that fire." + +"Oh yes," replied he. + +"What?" + +"Ah, my good woman, lend your daughter to my wife, who has need of a +good handmaiden: we will give you two fagots every day." + +"Oh, my lord, what could I cook at such a good fire?" + +"Why," replied the old rascal, "good broth, for I will give you a +measure of corn in season." + +"Then," replied the old hag, "where shall I put it?" + +"In your dish," answered the purchaser of innocence. + +"But I have neither dish nor flower-bin, nor anything." + +"Well I will give you dishes and flower-bins, saucepans, flagons, a +good bed with curtains, and everything." + +"Yes," replied the good widow, "but the rain would spoil them, I have +no house." + +"You can see from here," replied the lord, "the house of La +Tourbelliere, where lived my poor huntsmen Pillegrain, who was ripped +up by a boar?" + +"Yes," said the old woman. + +"Well, you can make yourself at home there for the rest of your days." + +"By my faith;" cried the mother, letting fall her distaff, "do you +mean what you say?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, then, what will you give my daughter?" + +"All that she is willing to gain in my service." + +"Oh! my lord, you are a joking." + +"No," said he. + +"Yes," said she. + +"By St. Gatien, St. Eleuther, and by the thousand million saints who +are in heaven, I swear that--" + +"Ah! Well; if you are not jesting I should like those fagots to pass +through the hands of the notary." + +"By the blood of Christ and the charms of your daughter am I not a +gentleman? Is not my word good enough?" + +"Ah! well I don't say that it is not; but as true as I am a poor +spinner I love my child too much to leave her; she is too young and +weak at present, she will break down in service. Yesterday, in his +sermon, the vicar said that we should have to answer to God for our +children." + +"There! There!" said the lord, "go and find the notary." + +An old woodcutter ran to the scrivener, who came and drew up a +contract, to which the lord of Valennes then put his cross, not +knowing how to write, and when all was signed and sealed-- + +"Well, old lady," said he, "now you are no longer answerable to God +for the virtue of your child." + +"Ah! my lord, the vicar said until the age of reason, and my child is +quite reasonable." Then turning towards her, she added, "Marie Fiquet, +that which is dearest to you is your honour, and there where you are +going everyone, without counting my lord, will try to rob you of it, +but you see well what it is worth; for that reason do not lose it save +willingly and in proper manner. Now in order not to contaminate your +virtue before God and before man, except for a legitimate motive, take +heed that your chance of marriage be not damaged beforehand, otherwise +you will go to the bad." + +"Yes, dear mother," replied the maid. + +And thereupon she left the poor abode of her relation, and came to the +chateau of Valennes, there to serve my lady, who found her both pretty +and to her taste. + +When the people of Valennes, Sache, Villaines, and other places, +learned the high price given for the maid of Thilouse, the good +housewives recognising the fact that nothing is more profitable than +virtue, endeavoured to nourish and bring up their daughters virtuous, +but the business was as risky as that of rearing silkworms, which are +liable to perish, since innocence is like a medlar, and ripens quickly +on the straw. There were, however, some girls noted for it in +Touraine, who passed for virgins in the convents of the religious, but +I cannot vouch for these, not having proceeded to verify them in the +manner laid down by Verville, in order to make sure of the perfect +virtue of women. However, Marie Fiquet followed the wise counsel of +her mother, and would take no notice of the soft requests, honied +words, or apish tricks of her master, unless they were flavoured with +a promise of marriage. + +When the old lord tried to kiss her, she would put her back up like a +cat at the approach of a dog, crying out "I will tell Madame!" In +short at the end of six months he had not even recovered the price of +a single fagot. From her labour Marie Fiquet became harder and firmer. +Sometimes she would reply to the gentle request of her master, "When +you have taken it from me will you give it me back again?" + +Another time she would say, "If I were as full of holes as a sieve not +one should be for you, so ugly do I think you." + +The good old man took these village sayings for flowers of innocence, +and ceased not make little signs to her, long harangues and a hundred +vows and sermons, for by reason of seeing the fine breasts of the +maid, her plump hips, which at certain movements came into prominent +relief, and by reason of admiring other things capable of inflaming +the mind of a saint, this dear men became enamoured of her with an old +man's passion, which augments in geometrical proportions as opposed to +the passions of young men, because the old men love with their +weakness which grows greater, and the young with their strength which +grows less. In order to leave this headstrong girl no loophole for +refusal, the old lord took into his confidence the steward, whose age +was seventy odd years, and made him understand that he ought to marry +in order to keep his body warm, and that Marie Fiquet was the very +girl to suit him. The old steward, who had gained three hundred pounds +by different services about the house, desired to live quietly without +opening the front door again; but his good master begged him to marry +to please him, assuring him that he need not trouble about his wife. +So the good steward wandered out of sheer good nature into this +marriage. The day of the wedding, bereft of all her reasons, and not +able to find objections to her pursuer, she made him give her a fat +settlement and dowry as the price of her conquest, and then gave the +old knave leave to wink at her as often as he could, promising him as +many embraces as he had given grains of wheat to her mother. But at +his age a bushel was sufficient. + +The festivities over, the lord did not fail, as soon as his wife had +retired, to wend his way towards the well-glazed, well-carpeted, and +pretty room where he had lodged his lass, his money, his fagots, his +house, his wheat, and his steward. To be brief, know that he found the +maid of Thilouse the sweetest girl in the world, as pretty as +anything, by the soft light of the fire which was gleaming in the +chimney, snug between the sheets, and with a sweet odour about her, as +a young maiden should have, and in fact he had no regret for the great +price of this jewel. Not being able to restrain himself from hurrying +over the first mouthfuls of this royal morsel, the lord treated her +more as a past master than a young beginner. So the happy man by too +much gluttony, managed badly, and in fact knew nothing of the sweet +business of love. Finding which, the good wench said, after a minute +or two, to her old cavalier, "My lord, if you are there, as I think +you are, give a little more swing to your bells." + +From this saying, which became spread about, I know not how, Marie +Fiquet became famous, and it is still said in our country, "She is a +maid of Thilouse," in mockery of a bride, and to signify a +"fricquenelle." + +"Fricquenelle" is said of a girl I do not wish you to find in your +arms on your wedding night, unless you have been brought up in the +philosophy of Zeno, which puts up with anything, and there are many +people obliged to be Stoics in this funny situation, which is often +met with, for Nature turns, but changes not, and there are always good +maids of Thilouse to be found in Touraine, and elsewhere. Now if you +asked me in what consists, or where comes in, the moral of this tale? +I am at liberty to reply to the ladies; that the Cent Contes +Drolatiques are made more to teach the moral of pleasure than to +procure the pleasure of pointing a moral. But if it were a used up old +rascal who asked me, I should say to him with all the respect due to +his yellow or grey locks; that God wishes to punish the lord of +Valennes, for trying to purchase a jewel made to be given. + + + +THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS + +At the commencement of the reign of King Henry, second of the name, +who loved so well the fair Diana, there existed still a ceremony of +which the usage has since become much weakened, and which has +altogether disappeared, like an infinity of the good things of the +olden times. This fine and noble custom was the choice which all +knights made of a brother-in-arms. After having recognised each other +as two loyal and brave men, each one of this pretty couple was married +for life to the other; both became brothers, the one had to defend the +other in battling against the enemies who threatened him, and at Court +against the friends who slandered him. In the absence of his companion +the other was expected to say to one who should have accused his good +brother of any disloyalty, wickedness or dark felony, "You have lied +by your throat," and so go into the field instantly, so sure was the +one of the honour of the other. There is no need to add, that the one +was always the second of the other in all affairs, good or evil, and +that they shared all good or evil fortune. They were better than the +brothers who are only united by the hazard of nature, since they were +fraternised by the bonds of an especial sentiment, involuntary and +mutual, and thus the fraternity of arms has produced splendid +characters, as brave as those of the ancient Greeks, Romans, or +others. . . . But this is not my subject; the history of these things +has been written by the historians of our country, and everyone knows +them. + +Now at this time two young gentlemen of Touraine, of whom one was the +Cadet of Maille, and the other Sieur de Lavalliere, became brothers- +in-arms on the day they gained their spurs. They were leaving the +house of Monsieur de Montmorency, where they had been nourished with +the good doctrines of this great Captain, and had shown how contagious +is valour in such good company, for at the battle of Ravenna they +merited the praises of the oldest knights. It was in the thick of this +fierce fight that Maille, saved by the said Lavalliere, with whom he +had had a quarrel or two, perceived that this gentleman had a noble +heart. As they had each received slashes in the doublets, they +baptised their fraternity with their blood, and were ministered to +together in one and the same bed under the tent of Monsieur de +Montmorency their master. It is necessary to inform you that, contrary +to the custom of his family, which was always to have a pretty face, +the Cadet of Maille was not of a pleasing physiognomy, and had +scarcely any beauty but that of the devil. For the rest he was lithe +as a greyhound, broad shouldered and strongly built as King Pepin, who +was a terrible antagonist. On the other hand, the Sieur de Lavalliere +was a dainty fellow, for whom seemed to have been invented rich laces, +silken hose, and cancellated shoes. His long dark locks were pretty as +a lady's ringlets, and he was, to be brief, a child with whom all the +women would be glad to play. One day the Dauphine, niece of the Pope, +said laughingly to the Queen of Navarre, who did not dislike these +little jokes, "that this page was a plaster to cure every ache," which +caused the pretty little Tourainian to blush, because, being only +sixteen, he took this gallantry as a reproach. + +Now on his return from Italy the Cadet of Maille found the slipper of +marriage ready for his foot, which his mother had obtained for him in +the person of Mademoiselle d'Annebaut, who was a graceful maiden of +good appearance, and well furnished with everything, having a splendid +hotel in the Rue Barbette, with handsome furniture and Italian +paintings and many considerable lands to inherit. Some days after the +death of King Francis--a circumstance which planted terror in the +heart of everyone, because his said Majesty had died in consequence of +an attack of the Neapolitan sickness, and that for the future there +would be no security even with princesses of the highest birth--the +above-named Maille was compelled to quit the Court in order to go and +arrange certain affairs of great importance in Piedmont. You may be +sure that he was very loath to leave his good wife, so young, so +delicate, so sprightly, in the midst of the dangers, temptations, +snares and pitfalls of this gallant assemblage, which comprised so +many handsome fellows, bold as eagles, proud of mein, and as fond of +women as the people are partial to Paschal hams. In this state of +intense jealousy everything made him ill at ease; but by dint of much +thinking, it occurred to him to make sure of his wife in the manner +about to be related. He invited his good brother-in-arms to come at +daybreak on the morning of his departure. Now directly he heard +Lavalliere's horse in the courtyard, he leaped out of bed, leaving his +sweet and fair better-half sleeping that gentle, dreamy, dozing sleep +so beloved by dainty ladies and lazy people. Lavalliere came to him, +and the two companions, hidden in the embrasure of the window, greeted +each other with a loyal clasp of the hand, and immediately Lavalliere +said to Maille-- + +"I should have been here last night in answer to thy summons, but I +had a love suit on with my lady, who had given me an assignation; I +could in no way fail to keep it, but I quitted her at dawn. Shall I +accompany thee? I have told her of thy departure, she has promised me +to remain without any amour; we have made a compact. If she deceives +me--well a friend is worth more than a mistress!" + +"Oh! my good brother" replied the Maille, quite overcome with these +words, "I wish to demand of thee a still higher proof of thy brave +heart. Wilt thou take charge of my wife, defend her against all, be +her guide, keep her in check and answer to me for the integrity of my +head? Thou canst stay here during my absence, in the green-room, and +be my wife's cavalier." + +Lavalliere knitted his brow and said-- + +"It is neither thee nor thy wife that I fear, but evil-minded people, +who will take advantage of this to entangle us like skeins of silk." + +"Do not be afraid of me," replied Maille, clasping Lavalliere to his +breast. "If it be the divine will of the Almighty that I should have +the misfortune to be a cuckold, I should be less grieved if it were to +your advantage. But by my faith I should die of grief, for my life is +bound up in my good, young, virtuous wife." + +Saying which, he turned away his head, in order that Lavalliere should +not perceive the tears in his eyes; but the fine courtier saw this +flow of water, and taking the hand of Maille-- + +"Brother," said he to him, "I swear to thee on my honour as a man, +that before anyone lays a finger on thy wife, he shall have felt my +dagger in the depth of his veins! And unless I should die, thou shalt +find her on thy return, intact in body if not in heart, because +thought is beyond the control of gentlemen." + +"It is then decreed above," exclaimed Maille, "that I shall always be +thy servant and thy debtor!" + +Thereupon the comrade departed, in order not to be inundated with the +tears, exclamations, and other expressions of grief which ladies make +use of when saying "Farewell." Lavalliere having conducted him to the +gate of the town, came back to the hotel, waited until Marie +d'Annebaut was out of bed, informed her of the departure of her good +husband, and offered to place himself at her orders, in such a +graceful manner, that the most virtuous woman would have been tickled +with a desire to keep such a knight to herself. But there was no need +of this fine paternoster to indoctrinate the lady, seeing that she had +listened to the discourse of the two friends, and was greatly offended +at her husband's doubt. Alas! God alone is perfect! In all the ideas +of men there is always a bad side, and it is therefore a great science +in life, but an impossible science, to take hold of everything, even a +stick by the right end. The cause of the great difficulty there is in +pleasing the ladies is, that there is it in them a thing which is more +woman than they are, and but for the respect which is due to them, I +would use another word. Now we should never awaken the phantasy of +this malevolent thing. The perfect government of woman is a task to +rend a man's heart, and we are compelled to remain in perfect +submission to them; that is, I imagine, the best manner in which to +solve the most agonising enigma of marriage. + +Now Marie d'Annebaut was delighted with the bearing and offers of this +gallant; but there was something in her smile which indicated a +malicious idea, and, to speak plainly, the intention of putting her +young guardian between honour and pleasure; to regale him so with +love, to surround him with so many little attentions, to pursue him +with such warm glances, that he would be faithless to friendship, to +the advantage of gallantry. + +Everything was in perfect trim for the carrying out of her design, +because of the companionship which the Sire de Lavalliere would be +obliged to have with her during his stay in the hotel, and as there is +nothing in the world can turn a woman from her whim, at every turn the +artful jade was ready to catch him in a trap. + +At times she would make him remain seated near her by the fire, until +twelve o'clock at night, singing soft refrains, and at every +opportunity showed her fair shoulders, and the white temptations of +which her corset was full, and casting upon him a thousand piercing +glances, all without showing in her face the thoughts that surged in +her brain. + +At times she would walk with him in the morning, in the gardens of the +hotel, leaning heavily upon his arm, pressing it, sighing, and making +him tie the laces of her little shoes, which were always coming undone +in that particular place. Then it would be those soft words and things +which the ladies understand so well, little attentions paid to a +guest, such as coming in to see if he were comfortable, if his bed +were well made, the room clean, if the ventilation were good, if he +felt any draughts in the night, if the sun came in during the day, and +asking him to forgo none of his usual fancies and habits, saying-- + +"Are you accustomed to take anything in the morning in bed, such as +honey, milk, or spice? Do the meal times suit you? I will conform mine +to yours: tell me. You are afraid to ask me. Come--" + +She accompanied these coddling little attentions with a hundred +affected speeches; for instance, on coming into the room she would +say-- + +"I am intruding, send me away. You want to be left alone--I will go." +And always was she graciously invited to remain. + +And the cunning Madame always came lightly attired, showing samples of +her beauty, which would have made a patriarch neigh, even were he as +much battered by time as must have been Mr. Methusaleh, with his nine +hundred and sixty years. + +That good knight being as sharp as a needle, let the lady go on with +her tricks, much pleased to see her occupy herself with him, since it +was so much gained; but like a loyal brother, he always called her +absent husband to the lady's mind. + +Now one evening--the day had been very warm--Lavalliere suspecting the +lady's games, told her that Maille loved her dearly, that she had in +him a man of honour, a gentleman who doted on her, and was ticklish on +the score of his crown. + +"Why then, if he is so ticklish in this manner, has he placed you +here?" + +"Was it not a most prudent thing?" replied he. "Was it not necessary +to confide you to some defender of your virtue? Not that it needs one +save to protect you from wicked men." + +"Then you are my guardian?" said she. + +"I am proud of it!" exclaimed Lavalliere. + +"Ah!" said she, "he has made a very bad choice." + +This remark was accompanied by a little look, so lewdly lascivious +that the good brother-in-arms put on, by way of reproach, a severe +countenance, and left the fair lady alone, much piqued at this refusal +to commence love's conflict. + +She remained in deep meditation, and began to search for the real +obstacle that she had encountered, for it was impossible that it +should enter the mind of any lady, that a gentleman could despise that +bagatelle which is of such great price and so high value. Now these +thoughts knitted and joined together so well, one fitting into the +other, that out of little pieces she constructed a perfect whole, and +found herself desperately in love; which should teach the ladies never +to play with a man's weapons, seeing that like glue, they always stick +to the fingers. + +By this means Marie d'Annebaut came to a conclusion which she should +have known at the commencement--viz., that to keep clear of her +snares, the good knight must be smitten with some other lady, and +looking round her, to see where her young guest could have found a +needle-case to his taste, she thought of the fair Limeuil, one of +Queen Catherine's maids, of Mesdames de Nevers, d'Estree, and de Giac, +all of whom were declared friends of Lavalliere, and of the lot he +must love one to distraction. + +From this belief, she added the motive of jealousy to the others which +tempted her to seduce her Argus, whom she did not wish to wound, but +to perfume, kiss his head, and treat kindly. + +She was certainly more beautiful, young, and more appetising and +gentle than her rivals; at least, that was the melodious decree of her +imaginations. So, urged on by the chords and springs of conscience, +and physical causes which affect women, she returned to the charge, to +commence a fresh assault upon the heart of the chevalier, for the +ladies like that which is well fortified. + +Then she played the pussy-cat, and nestled up close to him, became so +sweetly sociable, and wheedled so gently, that one evening when she +was in a desponding state, although merry enough in her inmost soul, +the guardian-brother asked her-- + +"What is the matter with you?" + +To which she replied to him dreamily, being listened to by him as the +sweetest music-- + +That she had married Maille against her heart's will, and that she was +very unhappy; that she knew not the sweets of love; that her husband +did not understand her, and that her life was full of tears. In fact, +that she was a maiden in heart and all, since she confessed in +marriage she had experienced nothing but the reverse of pleasure. And +she added, that surely this holy state should be full of sweetmeats +and dainties of love, because all the ladies hurried into it, and +hated and were jealous of those who out-bid them, for it cost certain +people pretty dear; that she was so curious about it that for one good +day or night of love, she would give her life, and always be obedient +to her lover without a murmur; but that he with whom she would sooner +than all others try the experiment would not listen to her; that, +nevertheless, the secret of their love might be kept eternally, so +great was her husband's confidence in him, and that finally if he +still refused it would kill her. + +And all these paraphrases of the common canticle known to the ladies +at their birth were ejaculated between a thousand pauses, interrupted +with sighs torn from the heart, ornamented with quiverings, appeals to +heaven, upturned eyes, sudden blushings and clutchings at her hair. In +fact, no ingredient of temptation was lacking in the dish, and at the +bottom of all these words there was a nipping desire which embellished +even its blemishes. The good knight fell at the lady's feet, and +weeping took them and kissed them, and you may be sure the good woman +was quite delighted to let him kiss them, and even without looking too +carefully to see what she was going to do, she abandoned her dress to +him, knowing well that to keep it from sweeping the ground it must be +taken at the bottom to raise it; but it was written that for that +evening she should be good, for the handsome Lavalliere said to her +with despair-- + +"Ah, madame, I am an unfortunate man and a wretch." + +"Not at all," said she. + +"Alas, the joy of loving you is denied to me." + +"How?" said she. + +"I dare not confess my situation to you!" + +"Is it then very bad?" + +"Ah, you will be ashamed of me!" + +"Speak, I will hide my face in my hands," and the cunning madame hid +her face is such a way that she could look at her well-beloved between +her fingers. + +"Alas!" said he, "the other evening when you addressed me in such +gracious words, I was so treacherously inflamed, that not knowing my +happiness to be so near, and not daring to confess my flame to you, I +ran to a Bordel where all the gentleman go, and there for love of you, +and to save the honour of my brother whose head I should blush to +dishonour, I was so badly infected that I am in great danger of dying +of the Italian sickness." + +The lady, seized with terror, gave vent to the cry of a woman in +labour, and with great emotion, repulsed him with a gentle little +gesture. Poor Lavalliere, finding himself in so pitiable state, went +out of the room, but he had not even reached the tapestries of the +door, when Marie d'Annebaut again contemplated him, saying to herself, +"Ah! what a pity!" Then she fell into a state of great melancholy, +pitying in herself the gentleman, and became the more in love with him +because he was fruit three times forbidden. + +"But for Maille," said she to him, one evening that she thought him +handsomer than unusual, "I would willingly take your disease. Together +we should then have the same terrors." + +"I love you too well," said the brother, "not to be good." + +And he left her to go to his beautiful Limeuil. You can imagine that +being unable to refuse to receive the burning glances of the lady, +during meal times, and the evenings, there was a fire nourished that +warmed them both, but she was compelled to live without touching her +cavalier, otherwise than with her eyes. Thus occupied, Marie +d'Annebaut was fortified at every point against the gallants of the +Court, for there are no bounds so impassable as those of love, and no +better guardian; it is like the devil, he whom it has in its clutches +it surrounds with flames. One evening, Lavalliere having escorted his +friend's wife to a dance given by Queen Catherine, he danced with the +fair Limeuil, with whom he was madly in love. At that time the knights +carried on their amours bravely two by two, and even in troops. Now +all the ladies were jealous of La Limeuil, who at that time was +thinking of yielding to the handsome Lavalliere. Before taking their +places in the quadrille, she had given him the sweetest of +assignations for the morrow, during the hunt. Our great Queen +Catherine, who from political motives fermented these loves and +stirred them up, like pastrycooks make the oven fires burn by poking, +glanced at all the pretty couples interwoven in the quadrille, and +said to her husband-- + +"When they combat here, can they conspire against you, eh?" + +"Ah! but the Protestants?" + +"Bah! have them here as well," said she, laughing. "Why, look at +Lavalliere, who is suspected to be a Huguenot; he is converted by my +dear little Limeuil, who does not play her cards badly for a young +lady of sixteen. He will soon have her name down in his list." + +"Ah, Madame! do not believe it," said Marie d'Annebaut, "he is ruined +through that same sickness of Naples which made you queen." + +At this artless confession, Catherine, the fair Diana, and the king, +who were sitting together, burst out laughing, and the thing ran round +the room. This brought endless shame and mockery upon Lavalliere. The +poor gentleman, pointed at by everyone, soon wished somebody else in +his shoes, for La Limeuil, who his rivals had not been slow laughingly +to warn of her danger, appeared to shrink from her lover, so rapid was +the spread, and so violent the apprehensions of this nasty disease. +Thus Lavalliere found himself abandoned by everyone like a leper. The +king made an offensive remark, and the good knight quitted the +ball-room, followed by poor Marie in despair at the speech. She had in +every way ruined the man she loved: she had destroyed his honour, and +marred his life, since the physicians and master surgeons advance as a +fact, incapable of contradiction, that persons Italianised by this +love sickness, lost through it their greatest attractions, as well as +their generative powers, and their bones went black. + +Thus no woman would bind herself in legitimate marriage with the +finest gentlemen in the kingdom if he were only suspected of being one +of those whom Master Frances Rabelais named "his very precious scabby +ones. . . . ." + +As the handsome knight was very silent and melancholy, his companion +said to him on the road home from Hercules House, where the fete had +been held-- + +"My dear lord, I have done you a great mischief." + +"Ah, madame!" replied Lavalliere, "my hurt is curable; but into what a +predicament have you fallen? You should not have been aware of the +danger of my love." + +"Ah!" said she, "I am sure now always to have you to myself; in +exchange for this great obloquy and dishonour, I will be forever your +friend, your hostess, and your lady-love--more than that, your +servant. My determination is to devote myself to you and efface the +traces of this shame; to cure you by a watch and ward; and if the +learned in these matters declare that the disease has such a hold of +you that it will kill you like our defunct sovereign, I must still +have your company in order to die gloriously in dying of your +complaint. Even then," said she, weeping, "that will not be penance +enough to atone for the wrong I have done you." + +These words were accompanied with big tears; her virtuous heart waxed +faint, she fell to the ground exhausted. Lavalliere, terrified, caught +her and placed his hand upon her heart, below a breast of matchless +beauty. The lady revived at the warmth of this beloved hand, +experiencing such exquisite delights as nearly to make her again +unconscious. + +"Alas!" said she, "this sly and superficial caress will be for the +future the only pleasure of our love. It will still be a hundred times +better than the joys which poor Maille fancies he is bestowing on me. +. . . Leave your hand there," said she; "verily it is upon my soul, +and touches it." + +At these words the knight was in a pitiful plight, and innocently +confessed to the Lady that he experienced so much pleasure at this +touch that the pains of his malady increased, and that death was +preferable to this martyrdom. + +"Let us die then," said she. + +But the litter was in the courtyard of the hotel, and as the means of +death was not handy, each one slept far from the other, heavily +weighed down with love, Lavalliere having lost his fair Limeuil, and +Marie d'Annebaut having gained pleasures without parallel. + +From this affair, which was quite unforeseen, Lavalliere found himself +under the ban of love and marriage and dared no longer appear in +public, and he found how much it costs to guard the virtue of a woman; +but the more honour and virtue he displayed the more pleasure did he +experience in these great sacrifices offered at the shrine of +brotherhood. Nevertheless, his duty was very bitter, very ticklish, +and intolerable to perform, towards the last days of his guard. And in +this way. + +The confession of her love, which she believed was returned, the wrong +done by her to her cavalier, and the experience of an unknown +pleasure, emboldened the fair Marie, who fell into a platonic love, +gently tempered with those little indulgences in which there is no +danger. From this cause sprang the diabolical pleasures of the game +invented by the ladies, who since the death of Francis the First +feared the contagion, but wished to gratify their lovers. To these +cruel delights, in order to properly play his part, Lavalliere could +not refuse his sanction. Thus every evening the mournful Marie would +attach her guest to her petticoats, holding his hand, kissing him with +burning glances, her cheek placed gently against his, and during this +virtuous embrace, in which the knight was held like the devil by a +holy water brush, she told him of her great love, which was boundless +since it stretched through the infinite spaces of unsatisfied desire. +All the fire with which the ladies endow their substantial amours, +when the night has no other lights than their eyes, she transferred +into the mystic motions of her head, the exultations of her soul, and +the ecstasies of her heart. Then, naturally, and with the delicious +joy of two angels united by thought alone, they intoned together those +sweet litanies repeated by the lovers of the period in honour of +love--anthems which the abbot of Theleme has paragraphically saved +from oblivion by engraving them on the walls of his Abbey, situated, +according to master Alcofribas, in our land of Chinon, where I have +seen them in Latin, and have translated them for the benefit of +Christians. + +"Alas!" said Marie d'Annebaut, "thou art my strength and my life, my +joy and my treasure." + +"And you," replied he "you are a pearl, an angel." + +"Thou art my seraphim." + +"You my soul." + +"Thou my God." + +"You my evening star and morning star, my honour, my beauty, my +universe." + +"Thou my great my divine master." + +"You my glory, my faith, my religion." + +"Thou my gentle one, my handsome one, my courageous one, my dear one, +my cavalier, my defender, my king, my love. " + +"You my fairy, the flower of my days, the dream of my nights." + +"Thou my thought at every moment." + +"You the delights of my eyes." + +"Thou the voice of my soul." + +"You my light by day." + +"Thou my glimmer in the night." + +"You the best beloved among women." + +"Thou the most adored of men." + +"You my blood, a myself better than myself." + +"Thou art my heart, my lustre." + +"You my saint, my only joy." + +"I yield thee the palm of love, and how great so'er mine be, I believe +thou lovest me still more, for thou art the lord." + +"No; the palm is yours, my goddess, my Virgin Marie." + +"No; I am thy servant, thine handmaiden, a nothing thou canst crush to +atoms." + +"No, no! it is I who am your slave, your faithful page, whom you see +as a breath of air, upon whom you can walk as on a carpet. My heart is +your throne." + +"No, dearest, for thy voice transfigures me." + +"Your regard burns me." + +"I see but thee." + +"I love but you." + +"Oh! put thine hand upon my heart--only thine hand--and thou will see +me pale, when my blood shall have taken the heat of thine." + +Then during these struggles their eyes, already ardent, flamed still +more brightly, and the good knight was a little the accomplice of the +pleasure which Marie d'Annebaut took in feeling his hand upon her +heart. Now, as in this light embrace all their strength was put forth, +all their desires strained, all their ideas of the thing concentrated, +it happened that the knight's transport reached a climax. Their eyes +wept warm tears, they seized each other hard and fast as fire seizes +houses; but that was all. Lavalliere had promised to return safe and +sound to his friend the body only, not the heart. + +When Maille announced his return, it was quite time, since no virtue +could avoid melting upon this gridiron; and the less licence the +lovers had, the more pleasure they had in their fantasies. + +Leaving Marie d'Annebaut, the good companion in arms went as far as +Bondy to meet his friend, to help him to pass through the forest +without accident, and the two brothers slept together, according to +the ancient custom, in the village of Bondy. + +There, in their bed, they recounted to each other, one of the +adventures of his journey, the other the gossip of the camp, stories +of gallantry, and the rest. But Maille's first question was touching +Marie d'Annebaut, whom Lavalliere swore to be intact in that precious +place where the honour of husbands is lodged; at which the amorous +Maille was highly delighted. + +On the morrow, they were all three re-united, to the great disgust of +Marie, who, with the high jurisprudence of women, made a great fuss +with her good husband, but with her finger she indicated her heart in +an artless manner to Lavalliere, as one who said, "This is thine!" + +At supper Lavalliere announced his departure for the wars. Maille was +much grieved at this resolution, and wished to accompany his brother; +that Lavalliere refused him point blank. + +"Madame," said he to Marie d'Annebaut, "I love you more than life, but +not more than honour." + +He turned pale saying this, and Madame de Maille blanched hearing him, +because never in their amorous dalliance had there been so much true +love as in this speech. Maille insisted on keeping his friend company +as far as Meaux. When he came back he was talking over with his wife +the unknown reasons and secret causes of this departure, when Marie, +who suspected the grief of poor Lavalliere said, "I know: he is +ashamed to stop here because he has the Neapolitan sickness." + +"He!" said Maille, quite astonished. "I saw him when we were in bed +together at Bondy the other evening, and yesterday at Meaux. There's +nothing the matter with him; he is as sound as a bell." + +The lady burst into tears, admiring this great loyalty, the sublime +resignation to his oath, and the extreme sufferings of this internal +passion. But as she still kept her love in the recesses of her heart, +she died when Lavalliere fell before Metz, as has been elsewhere +related by Messire Bourdeilles de Brantome in his tittle-tattle. + + + +THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU + +In those days the priests no longer took any woman in legitimate +marriage, but kept good mistresses as pretty as they could get; which +custom has since been interdicted by the council, as everyone knows, +because, indeed, it was not pleasant that the private confessions of +people should be retold to a wench who would laugh at them, besides +the other secret doctrines, ecclesiastical arrangements, and +speculations which are part and parcel of the politics of the Church +of Rome. The last priest in our country who theologically kept a woman +in his parsonage, regaling her with his scholastic love, was a certain +vicar of Azay-le-Ridel, a place later on most aptly named as +Azay-le-Brule, and now Azay-le-Rideau, whose castle is one of the +marvels of Touraine. Now this said period, when the women were not +averse to the odour of the priesthood, is not so far distant as some +may think, Monsieur D'Orgemont, son of the preceding bishop, still +held the see of Paris, and the great quarrels of the Armagnacs had not +finished. To tell the truth, this vicar did well to have his vicarage +in that age, since he was well shapen, of a high colour, stout, big, +strong, eating and drinking like a convalescent, and indeed, was +always rising from a little malady that attacked him at certain times; +and, later on, he would have been his own executioner, had he +determined to observe his canonical continence. Add to this that he +was a Tourainian, id est, dark, and had in his eyes flame to light, +and water to quench all the domestic furnaces that required lighting +or quenching; and never since at Azay has been such vicar seen! A +handsome vicar was he, square-shouldered, fresh coloured, always +blessing and chuckling, preferred weddings and christenings to +funerals, a good joker, pious in Church, and a man in everything. +There have been many vicars who have drunk well and eaten well; others +who have blessed abundantly and chuckled consumedly; but all of them +together would hardly make up the sterling worth of this aforesaid +vicar; and he alone has worthily filled his post with benedictions, +has held it with joy, and in it has consoled the afflicted, all so +well, that no one saw him come out of his house without wishing to be +in his heart, so much was he beloved. It was he who first said in a +sermon that the devil was not so black as he was painted, and who for +Madame de Cande transformed partridges into fish saying that the perch +of the Indre were partridges of the river, and, on the other hand, +partridges perch in the air. He never played artful tricks under the +cloak of morality, and often said, jokingly, he would rather be in a +good bed then in anybody's will, that he had plenty of everything, and +wanted nothing. As for the poor and suffering, never did those who +came to ask for wool at the vicarage go away shorn, for his hand was +always in his pocket, and he melted (he who in all else was so firm) +at the sight of all this misery and infirmity, and he endeavoured to +heal all their wounds. There have been many good stories told +concerning this king of vicars. It was he who caused such hearty +laughter at the wedding of the lord of Valennes, near Sacche. The +mother of the said lord had a good deal to do with the victuals, roast +meats and other delicacies, of which there was sufficient quantity to +feed a small town at least, and it is true, at the same time, that +people came to the wedding from Montbazon, from Tours, from Chinon, +from Langeais, and from everywhere, and stopped eight days. + +Now the good vicar, as he was going into the room where the company +were enjoying themselves, met the little kitchen boy, who wished to +inform Madame that all the elementary substances and fat rudiments, +syrups, and sauces, were in readiness for a pudding of great delicacy, +the secret compilation, mixing, and manipulation of which she wished +herself to superintend, intending it as a special treat for her +daughter-in-law's relations. Our vicar gave the boy a tap on the +cheek, telling him that he was too greasy and dirty to show himself to +people of high rank, and that he himself would deliver the said +message. The merry fellow pushes open the door, shapes the fingers of +his left hand into the form of a sheath, and moves gently therein the +middle finger of his right, at the same time looking at the lady of +Valennes, and saying to her, "Come, all is ready." Those who did not +understand the affair burst out laughing to see Madame get up and go +to the vicar, because she knew he referred to the pudding, and not to +that which the others imagined. + +But a true story is that concerning the manner in which this worthy +pastor lost his mistress, to whom the ecclesiastical authorities +allowed no successor; but, as for that, the vicar did not want for +domestic utensils. In the parish everyone thought it an honour to lend +him theirs, the more readily because he was not the man to spoil +anything, and was careful to clean them out thoroughly, the dear man. +But here are the facts. One evening the good man came home to supper +with a melancholy face, because he had just put into the ground a good +farmer, whose death came about in a strange manner, and is still +frequently talked about in Azay. Seeing that he only ate with the end +of his teeth, and turned up his nose at a dish of tripe, which had +been cooked in his own special manner, his good woman said to him-- + +"Have you passed before the Lombard (see MASTER CORNELIUS passim), met +two black crows, or seen the dead man turn in his grave, that you are +so upset?" + +"Oh! Oh!" + +"Has anyone deceived you?" + +"Ha! Ha!" + +"Come, tell me!" + +"My dear, I am still quite overcome at the death of poor Cochegrue, +and there is not at the present moment a good housewife's tongue or a +virtuous cuckold's lips that are not talking about it." + +"And what was it?" + +"Listen! This poor Cochegrue was returning from market, having sold +his corn and two fat pigs. He was riding his pretty mare, who, near +Azay, commenced to caper about without the slightest cause, and poor +Cochegrue trotted and ambled along counting his profits. At the corner +of the old road of the Landes de Charlemagne, they came upon a +stallion kept by the Sieur de la Carte, in a field, in order to have a +good breed of horses, because the said animal was fleet of foot, as +handsome as an abbot, and so high and mighty that the admiral who came +to see it, said it was a beast of the first quality. This cursed horse +scented the pretty mare; like a cunning beast, neither neighed nor +gave vent to any equine ejaculation, but when she was close to the +road, leaped over forty rows of vines and galloped after her, pawing +the ground with his iron shoes, discharging the artillery of a lover +who longs for an embrace, giving forth sounds to set the strongest +teeth on edge, and so loudly, that the people of Champy heard it and +were much terrified thereat. + +Cochegrue, suspecting the affair, makes for the moors, spurs his +amorous mare, relying upon her rapid pace, and indeed, the good mare +understands, obeys, and flies--flies like a bird, but a bowshot off +follows the blessed horse, thundering along the road like a blacksmith +beating iron, and at full speed, his mane flying in the wind, replying +to the sound of the mare's swift gallop with his terrible pat-a-pan! +pat-a-pan! Then the good farmer, feeling death following him in the +love of the beast, spurs anew his mare, and harder still she gallops, +until at last, pale and half dead with fear, he reaches the outer yard +of his farmhouse, but finding the door of the stable shut he cries, +'Help here! Wife!' Then he turned round on his mare, thinking to avoid +the cursed beast whose love was burning, who was wild with passion, +and growing more amorous every moment, to the great danger of the +mare. His family, horrified at the danger, did not go to open the +stable door, fearing the strange embrace and the kicks of the +iron-shod lover. At last, Cochegrue's wife went, but just as the good +mare was half way through the door, the cursed stallion seized her, +squeezed her, gave her a wild greeting, with his two legs gripped her, +pinched her and held her tight, and at the same time so kneaded and +knocked about Cochegrue that there was only found of him a shapeless +mass, crushed like a nut after the oil has been distilled from it. It +was shocking to see him squashed alive and mingling his cries with the +loud love-sighs of the horse." + +"Oh! the mare!" exclaimed the vicar's good wench. + +"What!" said the priest astonished. + +"Certainly. You men wouldn't have cracked a plumstone for us." + +"There," answered the vicar, "you wrong me." The good man threw her so +angrily upon the bed, attacked and treated her so violently that she +split into pieces, and died immediately without either surgeons or +physicians being able to determine the manner in which the solution of +continuity was arrived at, so violently disjointed were the hinges and +mesial partitions. You can imagine that he was a proud man, and a +splendid vicar as has been previously stated. + +The good people of the country, even the women, agreed that he was not +to blame, but that his conduct was warranted by the circumstances. + +From this, perhaps, came the proverb so much in use at that time, Que +l'aze le saille! The which proverb is really so much coarser in its +actual wording, that out of respect for the ladies I will not mention +it. But this was not the only clever thing that this great and noble +vicar achieved, for before this misfortune he did such a stroke of +business that no robbers dare ask him how many angels he had in his +pocket, even had they been twenty strong and over to attack him. One +evening when his good woman was still with him, after supper, during +which he had enjoyed his goose, his wench, his wine, and everything, +and was reclining in his chair thinking where he could build a new +barn for the tithes, a message came for him from the lord of Sacche, +who was giving up the ghost and wished to reconcile himself with God, +receive the sacrament, and go through the usual ceremonies. "He is a +good man and loyal lord. I will go." said he. Thereupon he passed into +the church, took the silver box where the blessed bread is, rang the +little bell himself in order not to wake the clerk, and went lightly +and willingly along the roads. Near the Gue-droit, which is a valley +leading to the Indre across the moors, our good vicar perceived a high +toby. And what is a high toby? It is a clerk of St. Nicholas. Well, +what is that? That means a person who sees clearly on a dark night, +instructs himself by examining and turning over purses, and takes his +degrees on the high road. Do you understand now? Well then, the high +toby waited for the silver box, which he knew to be of great value. + +"Oh! oh!" said the priest, putting down the sacred vase on a stone at +the corner of the bridge, "stop thou there without moving." + +Then he walked up to the robber, tipped him up, seized his loaded +stick, and when the rascal got up to struggle with him, he gutted him +with a blow well planted in the middle of his stomach. Then he picked +up the viaticum again, saying bravely to it: "Ah! If I had relied upon +thy providence, we should have been lost." Now to utter these impious +words on the road to Sacche was mere waste of breath, seeing that he +addressed them not to God, but to the Archbishop of Tours, who have +once severely rebuked him, threatened him with suspension, and +admonished him before the Chapter for having publicly told certain +lazy people that a good harvest was not due to the grace of God, but +to skilled labour and hard work--a doctrine which smelt of the fagot. +And indeed he was wrong, because the fruits of the earth have need +both of one and the other; but he died in this heresy, for he could +never understand how crops could come without digging, if God so +willed it--a doctrine that learned men have since proved to be true, +by showing that formerly wheat grew very well without the aid of man. +I cannot leave this splendid model of a pastor without giving here one +of the acts of his life, which proves with what fervour he imitated +the saints in the division of their goods and mantles, which they gave +formerly to the poor and the passers-by. One day, returning from +Tours, where he had been paying his respects to the official, mounted +on his mule, he was nearing Azay. On the way, just out side Ballan, he +met a pretty girl on foot, and was grieved to see a woman travelling +like a dog; the more so as she was visibly fatigued, and could +scarcely raise one foot before the other. He whistled to her softly, +and the pretty wench turned round and stopped. The good priest, who +was too good a sportsman to frighten the birds, especially the hooded +ones, begged her so gently to ride behind him on his mule, and in so +polite a fashion, that the lass got up; not without making those +little excuses and grimaces that they all make when one invites them +to eat, or to take what they like. The sheep paired off with the +shepherd, the mule jogged along after the fashion of mules, while the +girl slipped now this way now that, riding so uncomfortably that the +priest pointed out to her, after leaving Ballan, that she had better +hold on to him; and immediately my lady put her plump arms around the +waist of her cavalier, in a modest and timorous manner. + +"There, you don't slip about now. Are you comfortable?" said the +vicar. + +"Yes, I am comfortable. Are you?" + +"I?" said the priest, "I am better than that." + +And, in fact, he was quite at his ease, and was soon gently warmed in +the back by two projections which rubbed against it, and at last +seemed as though they wished to imprint themselves between his +shoulder blades, which would have been a pity, as that was not the +place for this white merchandise. By degrees the movement of mule +brought into conjunction the internal warmth of these two good riders, +and their blood coursed more quickly through their veins, seeing that +it felt the motion of the mule as well as their own; and thus the good +wench and the vicar finished by knowing each other's thoughts, but not +those of the mule. When they were both acclimatised, he with her and +she with him, they felt an internal disturbance which resolved itself +into secret desires. + +"Ah!" said the vicar, turning round to his companion, "here is a fine +cluster of trees which has grown very thick." + +"It is too near the road," replied the girl. "bad boys have cut the +branches, and the cows have eaten the young leaves." + +"Are you not married?" asked the vicar, trotting his animal again. + +"No," said she. + +"Not at all?" + +"I'faith! No!" + +"What a shame, at your age!" + +"You are right, sir; but you see, a poor girl who has had a child is a +bad bargain." + +Then the good vicar taking pity on such ignorance, and knowing that +the canons say among other things that pastors should indoctrinate +their flock and show them the duties and responsibilities of this +life, he thought he would only be discharging the functions of his +office by showing her the burden she would have one day to bear. Then +he begged her gently not be afraid, for if she would have faith in his +loyalty no one should ever know of the marital experiment which he +proposed then and there to perform with her; and as, since passing +Ballan the girl had thought of nothing else; as her desire had been +carefully sustained, and augmented by the warm movements of the +animal, she replied harshly to the vicar, "if you talk thus I will get +down." Then the good vicar continued his gentle requests so well that +on reaching the wood of Azay the girl wished to get down, and the +priest got down there too, for it was not across a horse that this +discussion could be finished. Then the virtuous maiden ran into the +thickest part of the wood to get away from the vicar, calling out, +"Oh, you wicked man, you shan't know where I am." + +The mule arrived in a glade where the grass was good, the girl tumbled +down over a root and blushed. The good vicar came to her, and there as +he had rung the bell for mass he went through the service for her, and +both freely discounted the joys of paradise. The good priest had it in +his heart to thoroughly instruct her, and found his pupil very docile, +as gentle in mind as soft in the flesh, a perfect jewel. Therefore was +he much aggrieved at having so much abridged the lessons by giving it +at Azay, seeing that he would have been quite willing to recommence +it, like all of precentors who say the same thing over and over again +to their pupils. + +"Ah! little one," cried the good man, "why did you make so much fuss +that we only came to an understanding close to Azay?" + +"Ah!" said she, "I belong to Bellan." + +To be brief, I must tell you that when this good man died in his +vicarage there was a great number of people, children and others, who +came, sorrowful, afflicted, weeping, and grieved, and all exclaimed, +"Ah! we have lost our father." And the girls, the widows, the wives +and little girls looked at each other, regretting him more than a +friend, and said, "He was more than a priest, he was a man!" Of these +vicars the seed is cast to the winds, and they will never be +reproduced in spite of the seminaries. + +Why, even the poor, to whom his savings were left, found themselves +still the losers, and an old cripple whom he had succoured hobbled +into the churchyard, crying "I don't die! I don't!" meaning to say, +"Why did not death take me in his place?" This made some of the people +laugh, at which the shade of the good vicar would certainly not have +been displeased. + + + +THE REPROACH + +The fair laundress of Portillon-les-Tours, of whom a droll saying has +already been given in this book, was a girl blessed with as much +cunning as if she had stolen that of six priests and three women at +least. She did not want for sweethearts, and had so many that one +would have compared them, seeing them around her, to bees swarming of +an evening towards their hive. An old silk dyer, who lived in the Rue +St. Montfumier, and there possessed a house of scandalous +magnificence, coming from his place at La Grenadiere, situated on the +fair borders of St. Cyr, passed on horseback through Portillon in +order to gain the Bridge of Tours. By reason of the warmth of the +evening, he was seized with a wild desire on seeing the pretty +washerwoman sitting upon her door-step. Now as for a very long time he +had dreamed of this pretty maid, his resolution was taken to make her +his wife, and in a short time she was transformed from a washerwoman +into a dyer's wife, a good townswoman, with laces, fine linen, and +furniture to spare, and was happy in spite of the dyer, seeing that +she knew very well how to manage him. The good dyer had for a crony a +silk machinery manufacturer who was small in stature, deformed for +life, and full of wickedness. So on the wedding-day he said to the +dyer, "You have done well to marry, my friend, we shall have a pretty +wife!"; and a thousand sly jokes, such as it is usual to address to a +bridegroom. + +In fact, this hunchback courted the dyer's wife, who from her nature, +caring little for badly built people, laughed to scorn the request of +the mechanician, and joked him about the springs, engines, and spools +of which his shop was full. However, this great love of the hunchback +was rebuffed by nothing, and became so irksome to the dyer's wife that +she resolved to cure it by a thousand practical jokes. One evening, +after the sempiternal pursuit, she told her lover to come to the back +door and towards midnight she would open everything to him. Now note, +this was on a winter's night; the Rue St.Montfumier is close to the +Loire, and in this corner there continually blow in winter, winds +sharp as a hundred needle-points. The good hunchback, well muffled up +in his mantle, failed not to come, and trotted up and down to keep +himself warm while waiting for the appointed hour. Towards midnight he +was half frozen, as fidgety as thirty-two devils caught in a stole, +and was about to give up his happiness, when a feeble light passed by +the cracks of the window and came down towards the little door. + +"Ah, it is she!" said he. + +And this hope warned him once more. Then he got close to the door, and +heard a little voice-- + +"Are you there?" said the dyer's wife to him. + +"Yes." + +"Cough, that I may see." + +The hunchback began to cough. + +"It is not you." + +Then the hunchback said aloud-- + +"How do you mean, it is not I? Do you not recognise my voice? Open the +door!" + +"Who's there?" said the dyer, opening the window. + +"There, you have awakened my husband, who returned from Amboise +unexpectedly this evening." + +Thereupon the dyer, seeing by the light of the moon a man at the door, +threw a big pot of cold water over him, and cried out, "Thieves! +thieves!" in such a manner that the hunchback was forced to run away; +but in his fear he failed to clear the chain stretched across the +bottom of the road and fell into the common sewer, which the sheriff +had not then replaced by a sluice to discharge the mud into the Loire. +In this bath the mechanician expected every moment to breathe his +last, and cursed the fair Tascherette, for her husband's name being +Taschereau, she was so called by way of a little joke by the people of +Tours. + +Carandas--for so was named the manufacturer of machines to weave, to +spin, to spool, and to wind the silk--was not sufficiently smitten to +believe in the innocence of the dyer's wife, and swore a devilish hate +against her. But some days afterwards, when he had recovered from his +wetting in the dyer's drain he came up to sup with his old comrade. +Then the dyer's wife reasoned with him so well, flavoured her words +with so much honey, and wheedled him with so many fair promises, that +he dismissed his suspicions. + +He asked for a fresh assignation, and the fair Tascherette with the +face of a woman whose mind is dwelling on a subject, said to him, +"Come tomorrow evening; my husband will be staying some days at +Chinonceaux. The queen wishes to have some of her old dresses dyed and +would settle the colours with him. It will take some time." + +Carandas put on his best clothes, failed not to keep the appointment, +appeared at the time fixed, and found a good supper prepared, +lampreys, wine of Vouvray, fine white napkins--for it was not +necessary to remonstrate with the dyer's wife on the colour of her +linen--and everything so well prepared that it was quite pleasant to +him to see the dishes of fresh eels, to smell the good odour of the +meats, and to admire a thousand little nameless things about the room, +and La Tascherette fresh and appetising as an apple on a hot day. Now, +the mechanician, excited to excess by these warm preparations, was on +the point of attacking the charms of the dyer's wife, when Master +Taschereau gave a loud knock at the street door. + +"Ha!" said madame, "what has happened? Put yourself in the clothes +chest, for I have been much abused respecting you; and if my husband +finds you, he may undo you; he is so violent in his temper." + +And immediately she thrust the hunchback into the chest, and went +quickly to her good husband, whom she knew well would be back from +Chinonceaux to supper. Then the dyer was kissed warmly on both his +eyes and on both his ears and he caught his good wife to him and +bestowed upon her two hearty smacks with his lips that sounded all +over the room. Then the pair sat down to supper, talked together and +finished by going to bed; and the mechanician heard all, though +obliged to remain crumpled up, and not to cough or to make a single +movement. He was in with the linen, crushed up as close as a sardine +in a box, and had about as much air as he would have had at the bottom +of a river; but he had, to divert him, the music of love, the sighs of +the dyer, and the little jokes of La Tascherette. At last, when he +fancied his old comrade was asleep, he made an attempt to get out of +the chest. + +"Who is there?" said the dyer. + +"What is the matter my little one?" said his wife, lifting her nose +above the counterpane. + +"I heard a scratching," said the good man. + +"We shall have rain to-morrow; it's the cat," replied his wife. + +The good husband put his head back upon the pillow after having been +gently embraced by his spouse. "There, my dear, you are a light +sleeper. It's no good trying to make a proper husband of you. There, +be good. Oh! oh! my little papa, your nightcap is on one side. There, +put it on the other way, for you must look pretty even when you are +asleep. There! are you all right?" + +"Yes." + +"Are you sleep?" said she, giving him a kiss. + +"Yes." + +In the morning the dyer's wife came softly and let out the +mechanician, who was whiter than a ghost. + +"Give me air, give me air!" said he. + +And away he ran cured of his love, but with as much hate in his heart +as a pocket could hold of black wheat. The said hunchback left Tours +and went to live in the town of Bruges, where certain merchants had +sent for him to arrange the machinery for making hauberks. + +During his long absence, Carandas, who had Moorish blood in his veins, +since he was descended from an ancient Saracen left half dead after +the great battle which took place between the Moors and the French in +the commune of Bellan (which is mentioned in the preceding tale), in +which place are the Landes of Charlemagne, where nothing grows because +of the cursed wretches and infidels there interred, and where the +grass disagrees even with the cows--this Carandas never rose up or lay +down in a foreign land without thinking of how he could give strength +to his desires of vengeance; and he was dreaming always of it, and +wishing nothing less than the death of the fair washerwoman of +Portillon and often would cry out "I will eat her flesh! I will cook +one of her breasts, and swallow it without sauce!" It was a tremendous +hate of good constitution--a cardinal hate--a hate of a wasp or an old +maid. It was all known hates moulded into one single hate, which +boiled itself, concocted itself, and resolved self into an elixir of +wicked and diabolical sentiments, warmed at the fire of the most +flaming furnaces of hell--it was, in fact, a master hate. + +Now one fine day, the said Carandas came back into Touraine with much +wealth, that he brought from the country of Flanders, where he had +sold his mechanical secrets. He bought a splendid house in Rue St. +Montfumier, which is still to be seen, and is the astonishment of the +passers-by, because it has certain very queer round humps fashioned +upon the stones of the wall. Carandas, the hater, found many notable +changes at the house of his friend, the dyer, for the good man had two +sweet children, who, by a curious chance, presented no resemblance +either to the mother or to the father. But as it is necessary that +children bear a resemblance to someone, there are certain people who +look for the features of their ancestors, when they are +good-looking--the flatters. So it was found by the good husband that +his two boys were like one of his uncles, formerly a priest at Notre +Dame de l'Egrignolles, but according to certain jokers, these two +children were the living portraits of a good-looking shaven crown +officiating in the Church of Notre Dame la Riche, a celebrated parish +situated between Tours and Plessis. Now, believe one thing, and +inculcate it upon your minds, and when in this book you shall only +have gleaned, gathered, extracted, and learned this one principle of +truth, look upon yourself as a lucky man--namely, that a man can never +dispense with his nose, id est, that a man will always be snotty--that +is to say, he will remain a man, and thus will continue throughout all +future centuries to laugh and drink, to find himself in his shirt +without feeling either better or worse there, and will have the same +occupations. But these preparatory ideas are to better to fix in the +understanding that this two-footed soul will always accept as true +those things which flatter his passions, caress his hates, or serve +his amours: from this comes logic. So it was that, the first day the +above-mentioned Carandas saw his old comrade's children, saw the +handsome priest, saw the beautiful wife of the dyer, saw La +Taschereau, all seated at the table, and saw to his detriment the best +piece of lamprey given with a certain air by La Tascherette to her +friend the priest, the mechanician said to himself, "My old friend is +a cuckold, his wife intrigues with the little confessor, and the +children have been begotten with his holy water. I'll show them that +the hunchbacks have something more than other men." + +And this was true--true as it is that Tours has always had its feet in +the Loire, like a pretty girl who bathes herself and plays with the +water, making a flick-flack, by beating the waves with her fair white +hands; for the town is more smiling, merry, loving, fresh, flowery, +and fragrant than all the other towns of the world, which are not +worthy to comb her locks or to buckle her waistband. And be sure if +you go there you will find, in the centre of it, a sweet place, in +which is a delicious street where everyone promenades, where there is +always a breeze, shade, sun, rain, and love. Ha! ha! laugh away, but +go there. It is a street always new, always royal, always imperial--a +patriotic street, a street with two paths, a street open at both ends, +a wide street, a street so large that no one has ever cried, "Out of +the way!" there. A street which does not wear out, a street which +leads to the abbey of Grand-mont, and to a trench, which works very +well with the bridge, and at the end of which is a finer fair ground. +A street well paved, well built, well washed, as clean as a glass, +populous, silent at certain times, a coquette with a sweet nightcap on +its pretty blue tiles--to be short, it is the street where I was born; +it is the queen of streets, always between the earth and sky; a street +with a fountain; a street which lacks nothing to be celebrated among +streets; and, in fact, it is the real street, the only street of +Tours. If there are others, they are dark, muddy, narrow, and damp, +and all come respectfully to salute this noble street, which commands +them. Where am I? For once in this street no one cares to come out of +it, so pleasant it is. But I owed this filial homage, this descriptive +hymn sung from the heart to my natal street, at the corners of which +there are wanting only the brave figures of my good master Rabelais, +and of Monsieur Descartes, both unknown to the people of the country. +To resume: the said Carandas was, on his return from Flanders, +entertained by his comrade, and by all those by whom he was liked for +his jokes, his drollery, and quaint remarks. The good hunchback +appeared cured of his old love, embraced the children, and when he was +alone with the dyer's wife, recalled the night in the clothes-chest, +and the night in the sewer, to her memory, saying to her, "Ha, ha! +what games you used to have with me." + +"It was your own fault," said she, laughing. "If you had allowed +yourself by reason of your great love to be ridiculed, made a fool of, +and bantered a few more times, you might have made an impression on +me, like the others." Thereupon Carandas commenced to laugh, though +inwardly raging all the time. Seeing the chest where he had nearly +been suffocated, his anger increased the more violently because the +sweet creature had become still more beautiful, like all those who are +permanently youthful from bathing in the water of youth, which waters +are naught less than the sources of love. The mechanician studied the +proceedings in the way of cuckoldom at his neighbour's house, in order +to revenge himself, for as many houses as there are so many varieties +of manner are there in this business; and although all amours resemble +each other in the same manner that all men resemble each other, it is +proved to the abstractors of true things, that for the happiness of +women, each love has its especial physiognomy, and if there is nothing +that resembles a man so much as a man, there is also nothing differs +from a man so much as a man. That it is, which confuses all things, or +explains the thousand fancies of women, who seek the best men with a +thousand pains and a thousand pleasures, perhaps more the one than the +other. But how can I blame them for their essays, changes, and +contradictory aims? Why, Nature frisks and wriggles, twists and turns +about, and you expect a woman to remain still! Do you know if ice is +really cold? No. Well then, neither do you know that cuckoldom is not +a lucky chance, the produce of brains well furnished and better made +than all the others. Seek something better than ventosity beneath the +sky. This will help to spread the philosophic reputation of this +eccentric book. Oh yes; go on. He who cries "vermin powder," is more +advanced than those who occupy themselves with Nature, seeing that she +is a proud jade and a capricious one, and only allows herself to be +seen at certain times. Do you understand? So in all languages does she +belong to the feminine gender, being a thing essentially changeable +and fruitful and fertile in tricks. + +Now Carandas soon recognised the fact that among cuckoldoms the best +understood and the most discreet is ecclesiastical cuckoldom. This is +how the good dyer's wife had laid her plans. She went always towards +her cottage at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr on the eve of the Sabbath, +leaving her good husband to finish his work, to count up and check his +books, and to pay his workmen; then Taschereau would join her there on +the morrow, and always found a good breakfast ready and his good wife +gay, and always brought the priest with him. The fact is, this +damnable priest crossed the Loire the night before in a small boat, in +order to keep the dyer's wife warm, and to calm her fancies, in order +that she might sleep well during the night, a duty which young men +understand very well. Then this fine curber of phantasies got back to +his house in the morning by the time Taschereau came to invite him to +spend the day at La Grenadiere, and the cuckold always found the +priest asleep in his bed. The boatman being well paid, no one knew +anything of these goings on, for the lover journeyed the night before +after night fall, and on the Sunday in the early morning. As soon as +Carandas had verified the arrangement and constant practice of these +gallant diversions, he determined to wait for a day when the lovers +would meet, hungry one for the other, after some accidental +abstinence. This meeting took place very soon, and the curious +hunchback saw the boatman waiting below the square, at the Canal St. +Antoine, for the young priest, who was handsome, blonde, slender, and +well-shaped, like the gallant and cowardly hero of love, so celebrated +by Monsieur Ariosto. Then the mechanician went to find the old dyer, +who always loved his wife and always believed himself the only man who +had a finger in her pie. + +"Ah!, good evening, old friend," said Carandas to Taschereau; and +Taschereau made him a bow. + +Then the mechanician relates to him all the secret festivals of love, +vomits words of peculiar import, and pricks the dyer on all sides. + +At length, seeing he was ready to kill both his wife and the priest, +Carandas said to him, "My good neighbour, I had brought back from +Flanders a poisoned sword, which will instantly kill anyone, if it +only make a scratch upon him. Now, directly you shall have merely +touched your wench and her paramour, they will die." + +"Let us go and fetch it," said the dyer. + +Then the two merchants went in great haste to the house of the +hunchback, to get the sword and rush off to the country. + +"But shall we find them in flagrante delicto?" asked Taschereau. + +"You will see," said the hunchback, jeering his friend. In fact, the +cuckold had not long to wait to behold the joy of the two lovers. + +The sweet wench and her well-beloved were busy trying to catch, in a +certain lake that you probably know, that little bird that sometimes +makes his nest there, and they were laughing and trying, and still +laughing. + +"Ah, my darling!" said she, clasping him, as though she wished to make +an outline of him on her chest, "I love thee so much I should like to +eat thee! Nay, more than that, to have you in my skin, so that you +might never quit me." + +"I should like it too," replied the priest, "but as you can't have me +altogether, you must try a little bit at a time." + +It was at this moment that the husband entered, he sword unsheathed +and flourished above him. The beautiful Tascherette, who knew her +lord's face well, saw what would be the fate of her well-beloved the +priest. But suddenly she sprang towards the good man, half naked, her +hair streaming over her, beautiful with shame, but more beautiful with +love, and cried to him, "Stay, unhappy man! Wouldst thou kill the +father of thy children?" + +Thereupon the good dyer staggered by the paternal majesty of +cuckoldom, and perhaps also by the fire of his wife's eyes, let the +sword fall upon the foot of the hunchback, who had followed him, and +thus killed him. + +This teaches us not to be spiteful. + + + +EPILOGUE + +Here endeth the first series of these Tales, a roguish sample of the +works of that merry Muse, born ages ago, in our fair land of Touraine, +the which Muse is a good wench, and knows by heart that fine saying of +her friend Verville, written in LE MOYEN DE PARVENIR: It is only +necessary to be bold to obtain favours. Alas! mad little one, get thee +to bed again, sleep; thou art panting from thy journey; perhaps thou +hast been further than the present time. Now dry thy fair naked feet, +stop thine ears, and return to love. If thou dreamest other poesy +interwoven with laughter to conclude these merry inventions, heed not +the foolish clamour and insults of those who, hearing the carol of a +joyous lark of other days, exclaim: Ah, the horrid bird! + +END OF THE FIRST TEN TALES. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext Droll Stories, V. 1, by Honore de Balzac + |