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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:18:01 -0700 |
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| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 05:18:01 -0700 |
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diff --git a/1925-h/1925-h.htm b/1925-h/1925-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee64147 --- /dev/null +++ b/1925-h/1925-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7518 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<title> + Droll Stories, + by Honore de Balzac +</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE { font-family: Times; font-size: 97%; margin-left: 15%;} + // --> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Droll Stories, Volume 1, by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Droll Stories, Volume 1 + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: August 23, 2004 [EBook #1925] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 1 *** + + + + +Produced by Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1> + DROLL STORIES +</h1> +<h2> + COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE +</h2> + +<br><br> +<h2> + VOLUME I +</h2> +<br><br> + +<h2> + THE FIRST TEN TALES +</h2> + +<br><br> +<h3> + BY HONORE DE BALZAC +</h3> + + + +<br><br> +<hr> +<br><br> + +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0003"> +TRANSLATORS PREFACE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0004"> +FIRST TEN TALES +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_PROL"> +PROLOGUE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0006"> +THE FAIR IMPERIA +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0007"> +THE VENIAL SIN +</a></p> + +<pre> + How The Good Man Bruyn Took A Wife + How The Seneschal Struggled With His Wife's Modesty + That Which Is Only A Venial Sin + How And By Whom The Said Child Was Procured + How The Said Love-Sin Was Repented Of And Led To Great Mourning +</pre> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0008"> +THE KING'S SWEETHEART +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0009"> +THE DEVIL'S HEIR +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0010"> +THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0011"> +THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0012"> +THE MAID OF THILOUSE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0013"> +THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0014"> +THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0015"> +THE REPROACH +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_EPIL"> +EPILOGUE +</a></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<a name="2H_4_0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + TRANSLATORS PREFACE +</h2> +<p> + When, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now famous <i>Contes + Drolatiques</i> was published by Gosselin of Paris, Balzac, in a short + preface, written in the publisher's name, replied to those attacks + which he anticipated certain critics would make upon his hardy + experiment. He claimed for his book the protection of all those to + whom literature was dear, because it was a work of art—and a work of + art, in the highest sense of the word, it undoubtedly is. Like + Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, Ariosto, and Verville, the + great author of <i>The Human Comedy</i> has painted an epoch. In the fresh + and wonderful language of the Merry Vicar Of Meudon, he has given us a + marvellous picture of French life and manners in the sixteenth + century. The gallant knights and merry dames of that eventful period + of French history stand out in bold relief upon his canvas. The + background in these life-like figures is, as it were, "sketched upon + the spot." After reading the <i>Contes Drolatiques</i>, one could almost find + one's way about the towns and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map + or guide. Not only is this book a work of art from its historical + information and topographical accuracy; its claims to that distinction + rest upon a broader foundation. Written in the nineteenth century in + imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it is a triumph of literary + archaeology. It is a model of that which it professes to imitate; the + production of a writer who, to accomplish it, must have been at once + historian, linguist, philosopher, archaeologist, and anatomist, and + each in no ordinary degree. In France, his work has long been regarded + as a classic—as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, + when kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies laughed + openly at stories and jokes which are considered disgraceful by their + more fastidious descendants. In England the difficulties of the + language employed, and the quaintness and peculiarity of its style, + have placed it beyond the reach of all but those thoroughly acquainted + with the French of the sixteenth century. Taking into consideration + the vast amount of historical information enshrined in its pages, the + archaeological value which it must always possess for the student, and + the dramatic interest of its stories, the translator has thought that + an English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre would be acceptable to + many. It has, of course, been impossible to reproduce in all its + vigour and freshness the language of the original. Many of the quips + and cranks and puns have been lost in the process of Anglicising. + These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer ventures to hope that he + has treated this great masterpiece in a reverent spirit, touched it + with no sacrilegious hand, but, on the contrary, given as close a + translation as the dissimilarities of the two languages permit. With + this idea, no attempt had been made to polish or round many of the + awkwardly constructed sentences which are characteristic of this + volume. Rough, and occasionally obscure, they are far more in keeping + with the spirit of the original than the polished periods of modern + romance. Taking into consideration the many difficulties which he has + had to overcome, and which those best acquainted with the French + edition will best appreciate, the translator claims the indulgence of + the critical reader for any shortcomings he may discover. The best + plea that can be offered for such indulgence is the fact that, + although <i>Les Contes Drolatiques</i> was completed and published in 1837, + the present is the first English version ever brought before the + public. +</p> +<p> + London, January, 1874 +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + FIRST TEN TALES +</h2> +<a name="2H_PROL"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + PROLOGUE +</h2> +<p> + This is a book of the highest flavour, full of right hearty merriment, + spiced to the palate of the illustrious and very precious tosspots and + drinkers, to whom our worthy compatriot, Francois Rabelais, the + eternal honour of Touraine, addressed himself. Be it nevertheless + understood, the author has no other desire than to be a good + Touranian, and joyfully to chronicle the merry doings of the famous + people of this sweet and productive land, more fertile in cuckolds, + dandies and witty wags than any other, and which has furnished a good + share of men of renown in France, as witness the departed Courier of + piquant memory; Verville, author of <i>Moyen de Parvenir</i>, and others + equally well known, among whom we will specially mention the Sieur + Descartes, because he was a melancholy genius, and devoted himself + more to brown studies than to drinks and dainties, a man of whom all + the cooks and confectioners of Tours have a wise horror, whom they + despise, and will not hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he live?" + if his name is mentioned. Now this work is the production of the + joyous leisure of good old monks, of whom there are many vestiges + scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr, in the village + of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at Marmoustiers, Veretz, Roche-Cobon, + and the certain storehouses of good stories, which storehouses are the + upper stories of old canons and wise dames, who remember the good old + days when they could enjoy a hearty laugh without looking to see if + their hilarity disturbed the sit of your ruffle, as do the young women + of the present day, who wish to take their pleasure gravely—a custom + which suits our Gay France as much as a water jug would the head of a + queen. Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and he has + sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without adding to them + by books, I have considered it a thing most patriotic to publish a + drachm of merriment for these times, when weariness falls like a fine + rain, wetting us, soaking into us, and dissolving those ancient + customs which make the people to reap public amusement from the + Republic. But of those old pantagruelists who allowed God and the king + to conduct their own affairs without putting of their finger in the + pie oftener than they could help, being content to look on and laugh, + there are very few left. They are dying out day by day in such manner + that I fear greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient + breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonoured, and + blamed, the which I should be loath to see, since I have and bear + great respect for the refuse of our Gallic antiquities. +</p> +<p> + Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, you scrapers-up of words, harpies + who mangle the intentions and inventions of everyone, that as children + only do we laugh, and as we travel onward laughter sinks down and dies + out, like the light of the oil-lit lamp. This signifies, that to laugh + you must be innocent, and pure of a heart, lacking which qualities you + purse your lips, drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after the manner + of men hiding vices and impurities. Take, then, this work as you would + take a group of statue, certain features of which an artist could + omit, and he would be the biggest of all big fools if he puts leaves + upon them, seeing that these said works are not, any more than is this + book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have taken care, much to + my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts the old words, which, in + spite of their age, were still strong, and which would have shocked + the ears, astonished the eyes, reddened the cheeks and sullied the + lips of trousered maidens, and Madame Virtue with three lovers; for + certain things must be done to suit the vices of the age, and a + periphrase is much more agreeable than the word. Indeed, we are old, + and find long trifles, better than the short follies of our youth, + because at that time our taste was better. Then spare me your + slanders, and read this rather at night than in the daytime and give + it not to young maidens, if there be any, because this book is + inflammable. I will now rid you of myself. But I fear nothing from + this book, since it is extracted from a high and splendid source, from + which all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply proved + by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the Holy Ghost, of the + Garter, of the Bath, and by many notable things which have been taken + therefrom, under shelter of which I place myself. +</p> +<p> + <i>Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gayly read with ease of body and + rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you if you disown me after + having read me.</i> +</p> +<p> + These words are those of our good Master Rabelais, before whom we must + also stand, hat in hand, in token of reverence and honour to him, + prince of all wisdom, and king of Comedy. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE FAIR IMPERIA +</h2> +<p> + The Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite when going to the + Council at Constance quite a good-looking little priest of Touraine + whose ways and manner of speech was so charming that he passed for a + son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of Tours had + willingly given him to his confrere for his journey to that town, + because it was usual for archbishops to make each other presents, they + well knowing how sharp are the itchings of theological palms. Thus + this young priest came to the Council and was lodged in the + establishment of his prelate, a man of good morals and great science. +</p> +<p> + Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave well and + worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this mysterious Council + many men leading a dissolute life and yet not making less, nay + —gaining more indulgences, gold crowns and benefices than all the + other virtuous and well-behaved ones. Now during one night—dangerous + to his virtue—the devil whispered into his ear that he should live + more luxuriously, since every one sucked the breasts of our Holy Mother + Church and yet they were not drained, a miracle which proved beyond + doubt the existence of God. And the priest of Touraine did not + disappoint the devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his + bellyful of roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do + so without paying for them as he was poor. As he remained quite + continent (in which he followed the example of the poor old archbishop + who sinned no longer because he was unable to, and passed for a + saint,) he had to suffer from intolerable desires followed by fits of + melancholy, since there were so many sweet courtesans, well developed, + but cold to the poor people, who inhabited Constance, to enlighten the + understanding of the Fathers of the Council. He was savage that he did + not know how to make up to these gallant sirens, who snubbed + cardinals, abbots, councillors, legates, bishops, princes and + margraves just as if they have been penniless clerks. And in the + evening, after prayers, he would practice speaking to them, teaching + himself the breviary of love. He taught himself to answer all possible + questions, but on the morrow if by chance he met one of the aforesaid + princesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted by her proud + and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed, like a dog in the act + of catching flies, at the sight of sweet countenance that so much + inflamed him. The secretary of a Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, + having clearly explained to him that the Fathers, procureurs, and + auditors of the Rota bought by certain presents, not relics or + indulgences, but jewels and gold, the favour of being familiar with + the best of these pampered cats who lived under the protection of the + lords of the Council; the poor Touranian, all simpleton and innocent + as he was, treasured up under his mattress the money given him by the + good archbishop for writings and copying—hoping one day to have + enough just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting to God for the + rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a man about as + much as a goat with a night-dress on resembles a young lady, but + prompted by his desires he wandered in the evenings through the + streets of Constance, careless of his life, and, at the risk of having + his body halberded by the soldiers, he peeped at the cardinals + entering the houses of their sweethearts. Then he saw the wax-candles + lighted in the houses and suddenly the doors and the windows closed. + Then he heard the blessed abbots or others jumping about, drinking, + enjoying themselves, love-making, singing <i>Alleluia</i> and applauding the + music with which they were being regaled. The kitchen performed + miracles, the Offices said were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet + little hams, the Vespers luscious mouthful, and the Lauhes delicate + sweetmeats, and after their little carouses, these brave priests were + silent, their pages diced upon the stairs, their mules stamped + restively in the streets; everything went well—but faith and religion + was there. That is how it came to pass the good man Huss was burned. + And the reason? He put his finger in the pie without being asked. Then + why was he a Huguenot before the others? +</p> +<p> + To return, however to our sweet little Philippe, not unfrequently did + he receive many a thump and hard blow, but the devil sustained him, + inciting him to believe that sooner or later it would come to his turn + to play the cardinal to some lovely dame. This ardent desire gave him + the boldness of a stag in autumn, so much so that one evening he + quietly tripped up the steps and into one of the first houses in + Constance where often he had seen officers, seneschals, valets, and + pages waiting with torches for their masters, dukes, kings, cardinals + and archbishops. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said he, "she must be very beautiful and amiable, this one." +</p> +<p> + A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him to belong to + the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had just left, and that he + was going to deliver a message on behalf of the above-mentioned + nobleman. Philippe de Mala mounted the stairs as lightly as a + greyhound in love, and was guided by delectable odour of perfume to + certain chamber where, surrounded by her handmaidens, the lady of the + house was divesting herself of her attire. He stood quite dumbfounded + like a thief surprised by sergeants. The lady was without petticoat or + head-dress. The chambermaid and the servants, busy taking off her + stockings and undressing her, so quickly and dextrously had her + stripped, that the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long Ah! which had + the flavour of love about it. +</p> +<p> + "What want <i>you</i>, little one?" said the lady to him. +</p> +<p> + "To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes upon her. +</p> +<p> + "You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to be rid of him. +</p> +<p> + To which Philippe replied, blushing, "I will not fail." +</p> +<p> + Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motionless, stood quite + at his ease, letting wander over her his eyes that glowed and sparkled + with the flame of love. What lovely thick hair hung upon her ivory + white back, showing sweet white places, fair and shining between the + many tresses! She had upon her snow-white brow a ruby circlet, less + fertile in rays of fire than her black eyes, still moist with tears + from her hearty laugh. She even threw her slipper at a statue gilded + like a shrine, twisting herself about from very ribaldry and allowed + her bare foot, smaller than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening + she was in a good humour, otherwise she would have had the little + shaven-crop put out by the window without more ado than her first + bishop. +</p> +<p> + "He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of her handmaids. +</p> +<p> + "Where does he comes from?" asked another. +</p> +<p> + "Poor child!" cried Madame, "his mother must be looking for him. Show + him his way home." +</p> +<p> + The Touranian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight at the sight + of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was about to repose. This + glance, full of amorous intelligence, awoke the lady's fantasy, who, + half laughing and half smitten, repeated "To-morrow," and dismissed + him with a gesture which the Pope Jehan himself would have obeyed, + especially as he was like a snail without a shell, since the Council + had just deprived him of the holy keys. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed into an amorous + desire," said one of her women; and the chuckles commenced again thick + as hail. +</p> +<p> + Philippe went his way, bumping his head against a wall like a hooded + rook as he was. So giddy had he become at the sight of this creature, + even more enticing than a siren rising from the water. He noticed the + animals carved over the door and returned to the house of the + archbishop with his head full of diabolical longings and his entrails + sophisticated. +</p> +<p> + Once in his little room he counted his coins all night long, but could + make no more than four of them; and as that was all his treasure, he + counted upon satisfying the fair one by giving her all he had in the + world. +</p> +<p> + "What is it ails you?" said the good archbishop, uneasy at the groans + and "oh! ohs!" of his clerk. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my Lord," answered the poor priest, "I am wondering how it is + that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so heavily upon my heart." +</p> +<p> + "Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his breviary which he + was reading for others—the good man. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Mother of God! You will scold me, I know, my good master, my + protector, because I have seen the lady of a cardinal at the least, + and I am weeping because I lack more than one crown to enable me to + convert her." +</p> +<p> + The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he had above his + nose, said not a word. Then the very humble priest trembled in his + skin to have confessed so much to his superior. But the holy man + directly said to him, "She must be very dear then—" +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said he, "she has swallowed many a mitre and stolen many a + cross." +</p> +<p> + "Well, Philippe, if thou will renounce her, I will present thee with + thirty angels from the poor-box." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the lad, + emboldened by the treat he promised himself. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Philippe," said the good prelate, "thou wilt then go to the devil + and displease God, like all our cardinals," and the master, with + sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the patron saint of Innocents, to + save his servant. He made him kneel down beside him, telling him to + recommend himself also to St. Philippe, but the wretched priest + implored the saint beneath his breath to prevent him from failing if + on the morrow that the lady should receive him kindly and mercifully; + and the good archbishop, observing the fervour of his servant, cried + out him, "Courage little one, and Heaven will exorcise thee." +</p> +<p> + On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the Council against + the shameless behaviour of the apostles of Christianity, Philippe de + Mala spent his angels—acquired with so much labour—in perfumes, + baths, fomentations, and other fooleries. He played the fop so well, + one would have thought him the fancy cavalier of a gay lady. He + wandered about the town in order to find the residence of his heart's + queen; and when he asked the passers-by to whom belonged the aforesaid + house, they laughed in his face, saying— +</p> +<p> + "Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard of La Belle + Imperia?" +</p> +<p> + He was very much afraid he and his angels were gone to the devil when + he heard the name, and knew into what a nice mess he had voluntarily + fallen. +</p> +<p> + Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in the world, + although she passed for the most dazzling and the beautiful, and the + one who best understood the art of bamboozling cardinals and softening + the hardiest soldiers and oppressors of the people. She had brave + captains, archers, and nobles, ready to serve her at every turn. She + had only to breathe a word, and the business of anyone who had + offended her was settled. A free fight only brought a smile to her + lips, and often the Sire de Baudricourt—one of the King's Captains + —would ask her if there were any one he could kill for her that day + —a little joke at the expense of the abbots. With the exception of the + potentates among the high clergy with whom Madame Imperia managed to + accommodate her little tempers, she ruled everyone with a high hand in + virtue of her pretty babble and enchanting ways, which enthralled the + most virtuous and the most unimpressionable. Thus she lived beloved + and respected, quite as much as the real ladies and princesses, and + was called Madame, concerning which the good Emperor Sigismund replied + to a lady who complained of it to him, "That they, the good ladies, + might keep to their own proper way and holy virtues, and Madame + Imperia to the sweet naughtiness of the goddess Venus"—Christian + words which shocked the good ladies, to their credit be it said. +</p> +<p> + Philippe, then thinking over it in his mind that which on the + preceding evening he had seen with his eyes, doubted if more did not + remain behind. Then was he sad, and without taking bite or sup, + strolled about the town waiting the appointed hour, although he was + well-favoured and gallant enough to find others less difficult to + overcome than was Madame Imperia. +</p> +<p> + The night came; the little Touranian, exalted with pride caparisoned + with desire, and spurred by his "alacks" and "alases" which nearly + choked him, glided like an eel into the domicile of the veritable + Queen of the Council—for before her bowed humbly all the authority, + science, and wisdom of Christianity. The major domo did not know him, + and was going to bundle him out again, when one of the chamber-women + called him from the top of the stairs—"Eh, M. Imbert, it is Madame's + young fellow," and poor Philippe, blushing like a wedding night, ran + up the stairs, shaking with happiness and delight. The servant took + him by the hand and led into the chamber where sat Madame, lightly + attired like a brave woman who awaits her conqueror. +</p> +<p> + The dazzling Imperia was seated near a table covered with a shaggy + cloth ornamented with gold, and with all the requisites for a dainty + carouse. Flagons of wine, various drinking glasses, bottles of the + hippocras, flasks full of good wine of Cyprus, pretty boxes full of + spices, roast peacocks, green sauces, little salt hams—all that would + gladden the eyes of the gallant if he had not so madly loved Madame + Imperia. +</p> +<p> + She saw well that the eyes of the young priest were all for her. + Although accustomed to the curl-paper devotion of the churchmen, she + was well satisfied that she had made a conquest of the young priest + who all day long had been in her head. +</p> +<p> + The windows had been closed; Madame was decked out in a manner fit to + do honours to a prince of the Empire. Then the rogue, beatified by the + holy beauty of Imperia, knew that Emperor, burgraf, nay, even a + cardinal about to be elected pope, would willingly for that night have + changed places with him, a little priest who, beneath his gown, had + only the devil and love. +</p> +<p> + He put on a lordly air, and saluted her with a courtesy by no means + ungraceful; and then the sweet lady said to him, regaling with a + piercing glance— +</p> +<p> + "Come and sit close to me, that I may see if you have altered since + yesterday." +</p> +<p> + "Oh yes," said he. +</p> +<p> + "And how?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Yesterday," replied the artful fellow, "I loved you; today, we love + each other, and from a poor sinner I have become richer than a king." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, little one, little one!" cried she, merrily; "yes, you are indeed + changed, for from a young priest I see well you have turned into an + old devil." +</p> +<p> + And side by side they sat down before a large fire, which helped to + spread their ecstasy around. They remained always ready to begin + eating, seeing that they only thought of gazing into each other's + eyes, and never touched a dish. Just as they were beginning to feel + comfortable and at their ease, there came a great noise at Madame's + door, as if people were beating against it, and crying out. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," cried the little servant hastily, "here's another of them." +</p> +<p> + "Who is it?" cried she in a haughty manner, like a tyrant, savage at + being interrupted. +</p> +<p> + "The Bishop of Coire wishes to speak with you." +</p> +<p> + "May the devil take him!" said she, looking at Philippe gently. +</p> +<p> + "Madame he has seen the light through the chinks, and is making a + great noise." +</p> +<p> + "Tell him I have the fever, and you will be telling him no lie, for I + am ill of this little priest who is torturing my brain." +</p> +<p> + But just as she had finished speaking, and was pressing with devotion + the hand of Philippe who trembled in his skin, appeared the fat Bishop + of Coire, indignant and angry. The officers followed him, bearing a + trout canonically dressed, fresh from the Rhine, and shining in a + golden platter, and spices contained in little ornamental boxes, and a + thousand dainties, such as liqueurs and jams, made by the holy nuns at + his Abbey. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah!" said he, with his deep voice, "I haven't time to go to the + devil, but you must give me a touch of him in advance, eh! my little + one." +</p> +<p> + "Your belly will one day make a nice sheath for a sword," replied she, + knitting her brows above her eyes, which from being soft and gentle + had become mischievous enough to make one tremble. +</p> +<p> + "And this little chorus singer is here to offer that?" said the + bishop, insolently turning his great rubicund face towards Philippe. +</p> +<p> + "Monseigneur, I'm here to confess Madame." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh, do you not know the canons? To confess the ladies at this + time of night is a right reserved to bishops, so take yourself off; go + and herd with simple monks, and never come back here again under pain + of excommunication." +</p> +<p> + "Do not move," cried the blushing Imperia, more lovely with passion + than she was with love, because now she was possessed both with + passion and love. "Stop, my friend. Here you are in your own house." + Then he knew that he was really loved by her. +</p> +<p> + "It is it not in the breviary, and an evangelical regulation, that you + should be equal with God in the valley of Jehoshaphat?" asked she of + the bishop. +</p> +<p> + "'Tis is an invention of the devil, who has adulterated the holy + book," replied the great numskull of a bishop in a hurry to fall to. +</p> +<p> + "Well then, be equal now before me, who am here below your goddess," + replied Imperia, "otherwise one of these days I will have you + delicately strangled between the head and shoulders; I swear it by the + power of my tonsure which is as good as the pope's." And wishing that + the trout should be added to the feast as well as the sweets and other + dainties, she added, cunningly, "Sit you down and drink with us." But + the artful minx, being up to a trick or two, gave the little one a + wink which told him plainly not to mind the German, whom she would + soon find a means to be rid of. +</p> +<p> + The servant-maid seated the Bishop at the table, and tucked him up, + while Philippe, wild with rage that closed his mouth, because he saw + his plans ending in smoke, gave the archbishop to more devils than + ever were monks alive. Thus they got halfway through the repast, which + the young priest had not yet touched, hungering only for Imperia, near + whom he was already seated, but speaking that sweet language which the + ladies so well understand, that has neither stops, commas, accents, + letters, figures, characters, notes, nor images. The fat bishop, + sensual and careful enough of the sleek, ecclesiastical garment of + skin for which he was indebted to his late mother, allowed himself to + be plentifully served with hippocras by the delicate hand of Madame, + and it was just at his first hiccough that the sound of an approaching + cavalcade was heard in the street. The number of horses, the "Ho, ho!" + of the pages, showed plainly that some great prince hot with love, was + about to arrive. In fact, a moment afterwards the Cardinal of Ragusa, + against whom the servants of Imperia had not dared to bar the door, + entered the room. At this terrible sight the poor courtesan and her + young lover became ashamed and embarrassed, like fresh cured lepers; + for it would be tempting the devil to try and oust the cardinal, the + more so as at that time it was not known who would be pope, three + aspirants having resigned their hoods for the benefit of Christianity. + The cardinal, who was a cunning Italian, long bearded, a great + sophist, and the life and soul of the Council, guessed, by the + feeblest exercise of the faculties of his understanding, the alpha and + omega of the adventure. He only had to weigh in his mind one little + thought before he knew how to proceed in order to be able to + hypothecate his manly vigour. He arrived with the appetite of a hungry + monk, and to obtain its satisfaction he was just the man to stab two + monks and sell his bit of the true cross, which were wrong. +</p> +<p> + "Hulloa! friend," said he to Philippe, calling him towards him. The + poor Tourainian, more dead than alive, and expecting the devil was + about to interfere seriously with his arrangements, rose and said, + "What is it?" to the redoubtable cardinal. +</p> +<p> + He taking him by the arm led him to the staircase, looked him in the + white of the eye and said without any nonsense—"Ventredieu! You are a + nice little fellow, and I should not like to have to let your master + know the weight of your carcass. My revenge might cause me certain + pious expenses in my old age, so choose to espouse an abbey for the + remainder of your days, or to marry Madame to-night and die tomorrow." +</p> +<p> + The poor little Tourainian in despair murmured, "May I come back when + your passion is over?" +</p> +<p> + The cardinal could scarcely keep his countenance, but he said sternly, + "Choose the gallows or a mitre." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the priest, maliciously; "a good fat abbey." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the cardinal went back into the room, opened an escritoire, + and scribbled upon a piece of parchment an order to the envoy of + France. +</p> +<p> + "Monseigneur," said the Tourainian to him while he was spelling out + the order, "you will not get rid of the Bishop of Coire so easily as + you have got rid of me, for he has as many abbeys as the soldiers have + drinking shops in the town; besides, he is in the favour of his lord. + Now I fancy to show you my gratitude for this so fine Abbey I owe you + good piece of advice. You know how fatal has been and how rapidly + spread this terrible pestilence which has cruelly harassed Paris. Tell + him that you have just left the bedside of your old friend the + Archbishop of Bordeaux; thus you will make him scutter away like straw + before a whirl-wind. +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh!" cried the cardinal, "thou meritest more than an abbey. Ah, + Ventredieu! my young friend, here are 100 golden crowns for thy + journey to the Abbey of Turpenay, which I won yesterday at cards, and + of which I make you a free gift." +</p> +<p> + Hearing these words, and seeing Philippe de Mala disappear without + giving her the amorous glances she expected, the beautiful Imperia, + puffing like a dolphin, denounced all the cowardice of the priest. She + was not then a sufficiently good Catholic to pardon her lover + deceiving her, by not knowing how to die for her pleasure. Thus the + death of Philippe was foreshadowed in the viper's glance she cast at + him to insult him, which glance pleased the cardinal much, for the + wily Italian saw he would soon get his abbey back again. The + Touranian, heeding not the brewing storm avoided it by walking out + silently with his ears down, like a wet dog being kicked out of a + Church. Madame drew a sigh from her heart. She must have had her own + ideas of humanity for the little value she held in it. The fire which + possessed her had mounted to her head, and scintillated in rays about + her, and there was good reason for it, for this was the first time + that she had been humbugged by priest. Then the cardinal smiled, + believing it was all to his advantage: was not he a cunning fellow? + Yes, he was the possessor of a red hat. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah! my friend," said he to the Bishop, "I congratulate myself on + being in your company, and I am glad to have been able to get rid of + that little wretch unworthy of Madame, the more so as if you had gone + near him, my lovely and amiable creature, you would have perished + miserably through the deed of a simple priest." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! How?" +</p> +<p> + "He is the secretary of the Archbishop of Bordeaux. The good man was + seized this morning with the pestilence." +</p> +<p> + The bishop opened his mouth wide enough to swallow a Dutch cheese. +</p> +<p> + "How do you know that?" asked he. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the cardinal, taking the good German's hand, "I have just + administered to him, and consoled him; at this moment the holy man has + a fair wind to waft him to paradise." +</p> +<p> + The Bishop of Coire demonstrated immediately how light fat man are; + for when men are big-bellied, a merciful providence, in the + consideration of their works, often makes their internal tubes as + elastic as balloons. The aforesaid bishop sprang backwards with one + bound, burst into a perspiration and coughed like a cow who finds + feathers mixed with her hay. Then becoming suddenly pale, he rushed + down the stairs without even bidding Madame adieu. When the door had + closed upon the bishop, and he was fairly in the street, the Cardinal + of Ragusa began laughing fit to split his sides. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my fair one, am I not worthy to be Pope, and better than that, + thy lover this evening?" +</p> +<p> + But seeing Imperia thoughtful he approached her to take her in his + arms, and pet her after the usual fashion of cardinals, men who + embrace better than all others, even the soldiers, because they are + lazy, and do not spare their essential properties. +</p> +<p> + "Ha!" said she, drawing back, "you wish to cause my death, you + ecclesiastical idiot. The principal thing for you is to enjoy + yourself; my sweet carcass, a thing accessory. Your pleasure will be + my death, and then you'll canonise me perhaps? Ah, you have the + plague, and you would give it to me. Go somewhere else, you brainless + priest. Ah! touch me not," said she, seeing him about to advance, "or + I will stab you with this dagger." +</p> +<p> + And the clever hussy drew from her armoire a little dagger, which she + knew how to use with great skill when necessary. +</p> +<p> + "But my little paradise, my sweet one," said the other, laughing, + "don't you see the trick? Wasn't it necessary to be get rid of that + old bullock of Coire?" +</p> +<p> + "Well then, if you love me, show it" replied she. "I desire that you + leave me instantly. If you are touched with the disease my death will + not worry you. I know you well enough to know at what price you will + put a moment of pleasure at your last hour. You would drown the earth. + Ah, ah! you have boasted of it when drunk. I love only myself, my + treasures, and my health. Go, and if tomorrow your veins are not + frozen by the disease, you can come again. Today, I hate you, good + cardinal," said she, smiling. +</p> +<p> + "Imperia!" cried the cardinal on his knees, "my blessed Imperia, do + not play with me thus." +</p> +<p> + "No," said she, "I never play with blessed and sacred things." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! ribald woman, I will excommunicate thee tomorrow." +</p> +<p> + "And now you are out of your cardinal sense." +</p> +<p> + "Imperia, cursed daughter of Satan! Oh, my little beauty—my love—!" +</p> +<p> + "Respect yourself more. Don't kneel to me, fie for shame!" +</p> +<p> + "Wilt thou have a dispensation in articulo mortis? Wilt thou have my + fortune—or better still, a bit of the veritable true Cross?—Wilt + thou?" +</p> +<p> + "This evening, all the wealth of heaven above and earth beneath would + not buy my heart," said she, laughing. "I should be the blackest of + sinners, unworthy to receive the Blessed Sacrament if I had not my + little caprices." +</p> +<p> + "I'll burn the house down. Sorceress, you have bewitched me. You shall + perish at the stake. Listen to me, my love,—my gentle Dove—I promise + you the best place in heaven. Eh? No. Death to you then—death to the + sorceress." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh! I will kill you, Monseigneur." +</p> +<p> + And the cardinal foamed with rage. +</p> +<p> + "You are making a fool of yourself," said she. "Go away, you'll tire + yourself." +</p> +<p> + "I shall be pope, and you shall pay for this!" +</p> +<p> + "Then you are no longer disposed to obey me?" +</p> +<p> + "What can I do this evening to please you?" +</p> +<p> + "Get out." +</p> +<p> + And she sprang lightly like a wagtail into her room, and locked + herself in, leaving the cardinal to storm that he was obliged to go. + When the fair Imperia found herself alone, seated before the fire, and + without her little priest, she exclaimed, snapping angrily the gold + links of her chain, "By the double triple horn on the devil, if the + little one has made me have this row with the Cardinal, and exposed me + to the danger of being poisoned tomorrow, unless I pay him over to my + heart's content, I will not die till I have seen him burned alive + before my eyes. Ah!" said she, weeping, this time real tears, "I lead + a most unhappy life, and the little pleasure I have costs me the life + of a dog, let alone my salvation." +</p> +<p> + As she finished this jeremiad, wailing like a calf that is being + slaughtered, she beheld the blushing face of the young priest, who had + hidden himself, peeping at her from behind her large Venetian mirror. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "Thou art the most perfect monk that ever dwelt in + this blessed and amorous town of Constance. Ah, ah! Come my gentle + cavalier, my dear boy, my little charm, my paradise of delectation, + let me drink thine eyes, eat thee, kill thee with my love. Oh! my + ever-flourishing, ever-green, sempiternal god; from a little monk I + would make a king, emperor, pope, and happier than either. There, thou + canst put anything to fire and sword, I am thine, and thou shalt see + it well; for thou shalt be all a cardinal, even when to redden thy + hood I shed all my heart's blood." And with her trembling hands all + joyously she filled with Greek wine the golden cup, brought by the + Bishop of Coire, and presented it to her sweetheart, whom she served + upon her knee, she whose slipper princes found more to their taste + than that of the pope. +</p> +<p> + But he gazed at her in silence, with his eye so lustrous with love, + that she said to him, trembling with joy "Ah! be quiet, little one. + Let us have supper." +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE VENIAL SIN +</h2> +<center> + HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE. +</center> +<p> + Messire Bruyn, he who completed the Castle of Roche-Corbon-les-Vouvray, + on the banks of the Loire, was a boisterous fellow in his + youth. When quite little, he squeezed young ladies, turned the house + out of windows, and played the devil with everything, when he was + called upon to put his Sire the Baron of Roche-Corbon some few feet + under the turf. Then he was his own master, free to lead a life of + wild dissipation, and indeed he worked very hard to get a surfeit of + enjoyment. Now by making his crowns sweat and his goods scarce, + draining his land, and a bleeding his hogsheads, and regaling frail + beauties, he found himself excommunicated from decent society, and had + for his friends only the plunderers of towns and the Lombardians. But + the usurers turned rough and bitter as chestnut husks, when he had no + other security to give them than his said estate of Roche-Corbon, + since the Rupes Carbonis was held from our Lord the king. Then Bruyn + found himself just in the humour to give a blow here and there, to + break a collar-bone or two, and quarrel with everyone about trifles. + Seeing which, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, his neighbour, and a man + liberal with his advice, told him that it was an evident sign of + lordly perfection, that he was walking in the right road, but if he + would go and slaughter, to the great glory of God, the Mahommedans who + defiled the Holy Land, it would be better still, and that he would + undoubtedly return full of wealth and indulgences into Touraine, or + into Paradise, whence all barons formerly came. +</p> +<p> + The said Bruyn, admiring the great sense of the prelate, left the + country equipped by the monastery, and blessed by the abbot, to the + great delight of his friends and neighbours. Then he put to the sack + enough many towns of Asia and Africa, and fell upon the infidels + without giving them warning, burning the Saracens, the Greeks, the + English, and others, caring little whether they were friends or + enemies, or where they came from, since among his merits he had that + of being in no way curious, and he never questioned them until after + he had killed them. At this business, agreeable to God, to the King + and to himself, Bruyn gained renown as a good Christian and loyal + knight, and enjoyed himself thoroughly in these lands beyond the seas, + since he more willingly gave a crown to the girls than to the poor, + although he met many more poor people than perfect maids; but like a + good Touranian he made soup of anything. At length, when he was + satiated with the Turks, relics, and other blessings of the Holy Land, + Bruyn, to the great astonishment of the people of Vouvrillons, + returned from the Crusades laden with crowns and precious stones; + rather differently from some who, rich when they set out, came back + heavy with leprosy, but light with gold. On his return from Tunis, our + Lord, King Philippe, made him a Count, and appointed him his seneschal + in our country and that of Poitou. There he was greatly beloved and + properly thought well of, since over and above his good qualities he + founded the Church of the Carmes-Deschaulx, in the parish of + Egrignolles, as the peace-offering to Heaven for the follies of his + youth. Thus was he cardinally consigned to the good graces of the + Church and of God. From a wicked youth and reckless man, he became a + good, wise man, and discreet in his dissipations and pleasures; rarely + was in anger, unless someone blasphemed God before him, the which he + would not tolerate because he had blasphemed enough for every one in + his wild youth. In short, he never quarrelled, because, being + seneschal, people gave up to him instantly. It is true that he at that + time beheld all his desires accomplished, the which would render even + an imp of Satan calm and tranquil from his horns to his heels. And + besides this he possessed a castle all jagged at the corners, and + shaped and pointed like a Spanish doublet, situated upon a bank from + which it was reflected in the Loire. In the rooms were royal + tapestries, furniture, Saracen pomps, vanities, and inventions which + were much admired by people of Tours, and even by the archbishop and + clerks of St. Martin, to whom he sent as a free gift a banner fringed + with fine gold. In the neighbourhood of the said castle abounded fair + domains, wind-mills, and forests, yielding a harvest of rents of all + kinds, so that he was one of the strongest knights-banneret of the + province, and could easily have led to battle for our lord the king a + thousand men. In his old days, if by chance his bailiff, a diligent + man at hanging, brought before him a poor peasant suspected of some + offence, he would say, smiling— +</p> +<p> + "Let this one go, Brediff, he will count against those I + inconsiderately slaughtered across the seas"; oftentimes, however, he + would let them bravely hang on a chestnut tree or swing on his + gallows, but this was solely that justice might be done, and that the + custom should not lapse in his domain. Thus the people on his lands + were good and orderly, like fresh veiled nuns, and peaceful since he + protected them from the robbers and vagabonds whom he never spared, + knowing by experience how much mischief is caused by these cursed + beasts of prey. For the rest, most devout, finishing everything + quickly, his prayers as well as good wine, he managed the processes + after the Turkish fashion, having a thousand little jokes ready for + the losers, and dining with them to console them. He had all the + people who had been hanged buried in consecrated ground like godly + ones, some people thinking they had been sufficiently punished by + having their breath stopped. He only persecuted the Jews now and then, + and when they were glutted with usury and wealth. He let them gather + their spoil as the bees do honey, saying that they were the best of + tax-gatherers. And never did he despoil them save for the profit and + use of the churchmen, the king, the province, or himself. +</p> +<p> + This jovial way gained for him the affection and esteem of every one, + great and small. If he came back smiling from his judicial throne, the + Abbot of Marmoustiers, an old man like himself, would say, "Ho, ha! + messire, there is some hanging on since you laugh thus!" And when + coming from Roche-Corbon to Tours he passed on horseback along the + Fauborg St. Symphorien, the little girls would say, "Ah! this is the + justice day, there is the good man Bruyn," and without being afraid + they would look at him astride on a big white hack, that he had + brought back with him from the Levant. On the bridge the little boys + would stop playing with the ball, and would call out, "Good day, Mr. + Seneschal" and he would reply, jokingly, "Enjoy yourselves, my + children, until you get whipped." "Yes, Mr. Seneschal." +</p> +<p> + Also he made the country so contented and so free from robbers that + during the year of the great over-flowing of the Loire there were only + twenty-two malefactors hanged that winter, not counting a Jew burned + in the Commune of Chateau-Neuf for having stolen a consecrated wafer, + or bought it, some said, for he was very rich. +</p> +<p> + One day, in the following year about harvest time, or mowing time, as + we say in Touraine, there came Egyptians, Bohemians, and other + wandering troupes who stole the holy things from the Church of St. + Martin, and in the place and exact situation of Madam the Virgin, left + by way of insult and mockery to our Holy Faith, an abandoned pretty + little girl, about the age of an old dog, stark naked, an acrobat, and + of Moorish descent like themselves. For this almost nameless crime it + was equally decided by the king, people, and the churchmen that the + Mooress, to pay for all, should be burned and cooked alive in the + square near the fountain where the herb market is. Then the good man + Bruyn clearly and dextrously demonstrated to the others that it would + be a thing most profitable and pleasant to God to gain over this + African soul to the true religion, and if the devil were lodged in + this feminine body the faggots would be useless to burn him, as said + the said order. To which the archbishop sagely thought most canonical + and conformable to Christian charity and the gospel. The ladies of the + town and other persons of authority said loudly that they were cheated + of a fine ceremony, since the Mooress was crying her eyes out in the + jail and would certainly be converted to God in order to live as long + as a crow, if she were allowed to do so, to which the seneschal + replied that if the foreigner would wholly commit herself to the + Christian religion there would be a gallant ceremony of another kind, + and that he would undertake that it should be royally magnificent, + because he would be her sponsor at the baptismal font, and that a + virgin should be his partner in the affair in order the better to + please the Almighty, while himself was reputed never to have lost the + bloom or innocence, in fact to be a coquebin. In our country of + Touraine thus are called the young virgin men, unmarried or so + esteemed to distinguish them from the husbands and the widowers, but + the girls always pick them without the name, because they are more + light-hearted and merry than those seasoned in marriage. +</p> +<p> + The young Mooress did not hesitate between the flaming faggots and the + baptismal water. She much preferred to be a Christian and live than be + Egyptian and be burned; thus to escape a moment's baking, her heart + would burn unquenched through all her life, since for the greater + surety of her religion she was placed in the convent of nuns near + Chardonneret, where she took the vow of sanctity. The said ceremony + was concluded at the residence of the archbishop, where on this + occasion, in honour of the Saviour or men, the lords and ladies of + Touraine hopped, skipped and danced, for in this country the people + dance, skip, eat, flirt, have more feasts and make merrier than any in + the whole world. The good old seneschal had taken for his associate + the daughter of the lord of Azay-le-Ridel, which afterwards became + Azay-le-Brusle, the which lord being a Crusader was left before Acre, + a far distant town, in the hands of a Saracen who demanded a royal + ransom for him because the said lord was of high position. +</p> +<p> + The lady of Azay having given his estate as security to the Lombards + and extortioners in order to raise the sum, remained, without a penny + in the world, awaiting her lord in a poor lodging in the town, + without a carpet to sit upon, but proud as the Queen of Sheba and + brave as a mastiff who defends the property of his master. Seeing this + great distress the seneschal went delicately to request this lady's + daughter to be the godmother of the said Egyptian, in order that he + might have the right of assisting the Lady of Azay. And, in fact, he + kept a heavy chain of gold which he had preserved since the + commencement of the taking of Cyprus, and the which he determined to + clasp about the neck of his pretty associate, but he hung there at the + same time his domain, and his white hairs, his money and his horses; + in short, he placed there everything he possessed, directly he had + seen Blanche of Azay dancing a pavan among the ladies of Tours. + Although the Moorish girl, making the most of her last day, had + astonished the assembly by her twists, jumps, steps, springs, and + elevations and artistic efforts, Blanche had the advantage of her, as + everyone agreed, so virginally and delicately did she dance. +</p> +<p> + Now Bruyn, admiring this gentle maiden whose toes seemed to fear the + boards, and who amused herself so innocently for her seventeen years + —like a grasshopper trying her first note—was seized with an old + man's desire; a desire apoplectic and vigorous from weakness, which + heated him from the sole of foot to the nape of his neck—for his head + had too much snow on the top of it to let love lodge there. Then the + good man perceived that he needed a wife in his manor, and it appeared + more lonely to him than it was. And what then was a castle without a + chatelaine? As well have a clapper without its bell. In short, a wife + was the only thing that he had to desire, so he wished to have one + promptly, seeing that if the Lady of Azay made him wait, he had just + time to pass out of this world into the other. But during the + baptismal entertainment, he thought little of his severe wounds, and + still less of the eighty years that had stripped his head; he found + his eyes clear enough to see distinctly his young companion, who, + following the injunctions of the Lady of Azay, regaled him well with + glance and gesture, believing there could be no danger near so old a + fellow, in such wise that Blanche—naive and nice as she was in + contradistinction to the girls of Touraine, who are as wide-awake as a + spring morning—permitted the good man first to kiss her hand, and + afterwards her neck, rather low-down; at least so said the archbishop + who married them the week after; and that was a beautiful bridal, and + a still more beautiful bride. +</p> +<p> + The said Blanche was slender and graceful as no other girl, and still + better than that, more maidenly than ever maiden was; a maiden all + ignorant of love, who knew not why or what it was; a maiden who + wondered why certain people lingered in their beds; a maiden who + believed that children were found in parsley beds. Her mother had thus + reared her in innocence, without even allowing her to consider, trifle + as it was, how she sucked in her soup between her teeth. Thus she was + a sweet flower, and intact, joyous and innocent; an angel, who needed + but the wings to fly away to Paradise. When she left the poor lodging + of her weeping mother to consummate her betrothal at the cathedral of + St. Gatien and St. Maurice, the country people came to a feast their + eyes upon the bride, and on the carpets which were laid down all along + the Rue de la Scellerie, and all said that never had tinier feet + pressed the ground of Touraine, prettier eyes gazed up to heaven, or a + more splendid festival adorned the streets with carpets and with + flowers. The young girls of St. Martin and of the boroughs of + Chateau-Neuf, all envied the long brown tresses with which doubtless + Blanche had fished for a count, but much more did they desire the gold + embroidered dress, the foreign stones, the white diamonds, and the + chains with which the little darling played, and which bound her for + ever to the said seneschal. The old soldier was so merry by her side, + that his happiness showed itself in his wrinkles, his looks, and his + movements. Although he was hardly as straight as a billhook, he held + himself so by the side of Blanche, that one would have taken him for a + soldier on parade receiving his officer, and he placed his hand on his + diaphragm like a man whose pleasure stifles and troubles him. + Delighted with the sound of the swinging bells, the procession, the + pomps, and the vanities of the said marriage, which was talked of long + after the episcopal rejoicings, the women desired a harvest of Moorish + girls, a deluge of old seneschals, and baskets full of Egyptian + baptisms. But this was the only one that ever happened in Touraine, + seeing that the country is far from Egypt and from Bohemia. The Lady + of Azay received a large sum of money after the ceremony, which + enabled her to start immediately for Acre to go to her spouse, + accompanied by the lieutenant and soldiers of the Count of + Roche-Corbon, who furnished them with everything necessary. She set out + on the day of the wedding, after having placed her daughter in the hands + of the seneschal, enjoining him to treat her well; and later on she + returned with the Sire d'Azay, who was leprous, and she cured him, + tending him herself, running the risk of being contaminated, the which + was greatly admired. +</p> +<p> + The marriage ceremony finished and at an end—for it lasted three + days, to the great contentment of the people—Messire Bruyn with great + pomp led the little one to his castle, and, according to the custom of + husbands, had her put solemnly to bed in his couch, which was blessed + by the Abbot of Marmoustiers; then came and placed himself beside her + in the great feudal chamber of Roche-Corbon, which had been hung with + green blockade and ribbon of golden wire. When old Bruyn, perfumed all + over, found himself side by side with his pretty wife, he kissed her + first upon the forehead, and then upon the little round, white breast, + on the same spot where she had allowed him to clasp the fastenings of + the chain, but that was all. The old fellow had too great confidence + in himself in fancying himself able to accomplish more; so then he + abstained from love in spite of the merry nuptial songs, the + epithalamiums and jokes which were going on in the rooms beneath where + the dancing was still kept up. He refreshed himself with a drink of + the marriage beverage, which according to custom, had been blessed and + placed near them in a golden cup. The spices warned his stomach well + enough, but not the heart of his dead ardour. Blanche was not at all + astonished at the demeanour of her spouse, because she was a virgin in + mind, and in marriage she saw only that which is visible to the eyes + of young girls—namely dresses, banquets, horses, to be a lady and + mistress, to have a country seat, to amuse oneself and give orders; + so, like the child that she was, she played with the gold tassels on + the bed, and marvelled at the richness of the shrine in which her + innocence should be interred. Feeling, a little later in the day, his + culpability, and relying on the future, which, however, would spoil a + little every day that with which he pretended to regale his wife, the + seneschal tried to substitute the word for the deed. So he entertained + his wife in various ways, promised her the keys of his sideboards, his + granaries and chests, the perfect government of his houses and domains + without any control, hanging round her neck "the other half of the + loaf," which is the popular saying in Touraine. She became like a + young charger full of hay, found her good man the most gallant fellow + in the world, and raising herself upon her pillow began to smile, and + beheld with greater joy this beautiful green brocaded bed, where + henceforward she would be permitted, without any sin, to sleep every + night. Seeing she was getting playful, the cunning lord, who had not + been used to maidens, but knew from experience the little tricks that + women will practice, seeing that he had much associated with ladies of + the town, feared those handy tricks, little kisses, and minor + amusements of love which formerly he did not object to, but which at + the present time would have found him cold as the obit of a pope. Then + he drew back towards the end of the bed, afraid of his happiness, and + said to his too delectable spouse, "Well, darling, you are a + seneschal's wife now, and very well seneschaled as well." +</p> +<p> + "Oh no!" said she. +</p> +<p> + "How no!" replied he in great fear; "are you not a wife?" +</p> +<p> + "No!" said she. "Nor shall I be till I have had a child." +</p> +<p> + "Did you while coming here see the meadows?" began again the old + fellow. +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Well, they are yours." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" replied she laughing, "I shall amuse myself much there + catching butterflies." +</p> +<p> + "That's a good girl," says her lord. "And the woods?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! I should not like to be there alone, you will take me there. + But," said she, "give me a little of that liquor which La Ponneuse has + taken such pains to prepare for us." +</p> +<p> + "And why, my darling? It would put fire in your body." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! That's what I should like," said she, biting her lip with + vexation, "because I desire to give you a child as soon as possible; + and I'm sure that liquor is good for the purpose." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my little one," said the seneschal, knowing by this that Blanche + was a virgin from head to foot, "the goodwill of God is necessary for + this business, and women must be in a state of harvest." +</p> +<p> + "And when should I be in a state of harvest?" asked she, smiling. +</p> +<p> + "When nature so wills it," said he, trying to laugh. +</p> +<p> + "What is it necessary to do for this?" replied she. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! A cabalistical and alchemical operation which is very dangerous." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, with a dreamy look, "that's the reason why my mother + cried when thinking of the said metamorphosis; but Bertha de Breuilly, + who is so thankful for being made a wife, told me it was the easiest + thing in the world." +</p> +<p> + "That's according to the age," replied the old lord. "But did you see + at the stable the beautiful white mare so much spoken of in Touraine?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, she is very gentle and nice." +</p> +<p> + "Well, I give her to you, and you can ride her as often as the fancy + takes you." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, you are very kind, and they did not lie when they told me so." +</p> +<p> + "Here," continued he, "sweetheart; the butler, the chaplain, the + treasurer, the equerry, the farrier, the bailiff, even the Sire de + Montsoreau, the young varlet whose name is Gauttier and bears my + banner, with his men at arms, captains, followers, and beasts—all are + yours, and will instantly obey your orders under pain of being + incommoded with a hempen collar." +</p> +<p> + "But," replied she, "this mysterious operation—cannot it be performed + immediately?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh no!" replied the seneschal. "Because it is necessary above all + things that both the one and the other of us should be in a state of + grace before God; otherwise we should have a bad child, full of sin; + which is forbidden by the canons of the church. This is the reason + that there are so many incorrigible scapegraces in the world. Their + parents have not wisely waited to have their souls pure, and have + given wicked souls to their children. The beautiful and the virtuous + come of immaculate fathers; that is why we cause our beds to be + blessed, as the Abbot of Marmoustiers has done this one. Have you not + transgressed the ordinances of the Church?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh no," said she, quickly, "I received before Mass absolution for all + my faults and have remained since without committing the slightest + sin." +</p> +<p> + "You are very perfect," said the cunning lord, "and I am delighted to + have you for a wife; but I have sworn like an infidel." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! and why?" +</p> +<p> + "Because the dancing did not finish, and I could not have you to + myself to bring you here and kiss you." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon he gallantly took her hands and covered them with kisses, + whispering to her little endearments and superficial words of + affection which made her quite pleased and contented. +</p> +<p> + Then, fatigued with the dance and all the ceremonies, she settled down + to her slumbers, saying to the seneschal— +</p> +<p> + "I will take care tomorrow that you shall not sin," and she left the + old man quite smitten with her white beauty, amorous of her delicate + nature, and as embarrassed to know how he should be able to keep her + in her innocence as to explain why oxen chew their food twice over. + Although he did not augur to himself any good therefrom, it inflamed + him so much to see the exquisite perfections of Blanche during her + innocent and gentle sleep, that he resolved to preserve and defend + this pretty jewel of love. With tears in his eyes he kissed her sweet + golden tresses, the beautiful eyelids, and her ripe red mouth, and he + did it softly for fear of waking her. There was all his fruition, the + dumb delight which still inflamed his heart without in the least + affecting Blanche. Then he deplored the snows of his leafless old age, + the poor old man, that he saw clearly that God had amused himself by + giving him nuts when his teeth were gone. +</p> +<center> + HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY. +</center> +<p> + During the first days of his marriage the seneschal imprinted many + fibs to tell his wife, whose so estimable innocence he abused. + Firstly, he found in his judicial functions good excuses for leaving + her at times alone; then he occupied himself with the peasants of the + neighbourhood, and took them to dress the vines on his lands at + Vouvray, and at length pampered her up with a thousand absurd tales. +</p> +<p> + At one time he would say that lords did not behave like common people, + that the children were only planted at certain celestial conjunctions + ascertained by learned astrologers; at another that one should abstain + from begetting children on feast days, because it was a great + undertaking; and he observed the feasts like a man who wished to enter + into Paradise without consent. Sometimes he would pretend that if by + chance the parents were not in a state of grace, the children + commenced on the date of St. Claire would be blind, of St. Gatien had + the gout, of St. Agnes were scaldheaded, of St. Roch had the plague; + sometimes that those begotten in February were chilly; in March, too + turbulent; in April, were worth nothing at all; and that handsome boys + were conceived in May. In short, he wished his child to be perfect, to + have his hair of two colours; and for this it was necessary that all + the required conditions should be observed. At other times he would + say to Blanche that the right of a man was to bestow a child upon his + wife according to his sole and unique will, and that if she pretended + to be a virtuous woman she should conform to the wishes of her + husband; in fact it was necessary to await the return of the Lady of + Azay in order that she should assist at the confinement; from all of + which Blanche concluded that the seneschal was annoyed by her + requests, and was perhaps right, since he was old and full of + experience; so she submitted herself and thought no more, except to + herself, of this so much-desired child, that is to say, she was always + thinking of it, like a woman who has a desire in her head, without + suspecting that she was behaving like a gay lady or a town-walker + running after her enjoyment. One evening, by accident, Bruyn spoke of + children, a discourse that he avoided as cats avoid water, but he was + complaining of a boy condemned by him that morning for great misdeeds, + saying for certain he was the offspring of people laden with mortal + sins. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said Blanche, "if you will give me one, although you have not + got absolution, I will correct so well that you will be pleased with + him." +</p> +<p> + Then the count saw that his wife was bitten by a warm desire, and that + it was time to dissipate her innocence in order to make himself master + of it, to conquer it, to beat it, or to appease and extinguish it. +</p> +<p> + "What, my dear, you wish to be a mother?" said he; "you do not yet + know the business of a wife, you are not accustomed to being mistress + of the house." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" said she, "to be a perfect countess, and have in my loins a + little count, must I play the great lady? I will do it, and + thoroughly." +</p> +<p> + Then Blanche, in order to obtain issue, began to hunt the fawns and + stags, leaping the ditches, galloping upon her mare over valleys and + mountain, through the woods and the fields, taking great delight in + watching the falcons fly, in unhooding them and while hunting always + carried them gracefully upon her little wrist, which was what the + seneschal had desired. But in this pursuit, Blanche gained an appetite + of nun and prelate, that is to say, wished to procreate, had her + desires whetted, and could scarcely restrain her hunger, when on her + return she gave play to her teeth. Now by reason of reading the + legends written by the way, and of separating by death the embraces of + birds and wild beasts, she discovered a mystery of natural alchemy, + while colouring her complexion, and superagitating her feeble + imagination, which did little to pacify her warlike nature, and + strongly tickled her desire which laughed, played, and frisked + unmistakably. The seneschal thought to disarm the rebellious virtue of + his wife by making her scour the country; but his fraud turned out + badly, for the unknown lust that circulated in the veins of Blanche + emerged from these assaults more hardy than before, inviting jousts + and tourneys as the herald the armed knight. +</p> +<p> + The good lord saw then that he had grossly erred and that he was now + upon the horns of a dilemma; also he no longer knew what course to + adopt; the longer he left it the more it would resist. From this + combat, there must result one conquered and one contused—a diabolical + contusion which he wished to keep distant from his physiognomy by + God's help until after his death. The poor seneschal had already great + trouble to follow his lady to the chase, without being dismounted; he + sweated under the weight of his trappings, and almost expired in that + pursuit wherein his frisky wife cheered her life and took great + pleasure. Many times in the evening she wished to dance. Now the good + man, swathed in his heavy clothing, found himself quite worn out with + these exercises, in which he was constrained to participate either in + giving her his hand, when she performed the vaults of the Moorish + girl, or in holding the lighted fagot for her, when she had a fancy to + do the torchlight dance; and in spite of his sciaticas, accretions, + and rheumatisms, he was obliged to smile and say to her some gentle + words and gallantries after all the evolutions, mummeries, and comic + pantomimes, which she indulged in to divert herself; for he loved her + so madly that if she had asked him for an impossibility he would have + sought one for her immediately. +</p> +<p> + Nevertheless, one fine day he recognised the fact that his frame was + in a state of too great debility to struggle with the vigorous nature + of his wife, and humiliating himself before his wife's virtue he + resolved to let things take their course, relying a little upon the + modesty, religion, and bashfulness of Blanche, but he always slept + with one eye open, for he suspected that God had perhaps made + virginities to be taken like partridges, to be spitted and roasted. + One wet morning, when the weather was that in which the snails make + their tracks, a melancholy time, and suitable to reverie, Blanche was + in the house sitting in her chair in deep thought, because nothing + produces more lively concoctions of the substantive essences, and no + receipt, specific or philter is more penetrating, transpiercing or + doubly transpiercing and titillating than the subtle warmth which + simmers between the nap of the chair and a maiden sitting during + certain weather. +</p> +<p> + Now without knowing it the Countess was incommoded by her innocence, + which gave more trouble than it was worth to her brain, and gnawed her + all over. Then the good man, seriously grieved to see her languishing, + wished to drive away the thoughts which were ultra-conjugal principles + of love. +</p> +<p> + "Whence comes your sadness, sweetheart?" said he. +</p> +<p> + "From shame." +</p> +<p> + "What then affronts you?" +</p> +<p> + "The not being a good woman; because I am without a child, and you + without lineage! Is one a lady without progeny? Nay! Look! . . . All + my neighbours have it, and I was married to have it, as you to give it + to me; the nobles of Touraine are all amply furnished with children, + and their wives give them lapfuls, you alone have none, they laugh at + you there. What will become of your name and your fiefs and your + seigniories? A child is our natural company; it is a delight to us to + make a fright of it, to fondle it, to swaddle it, to dress and undress + it, to cuddle it, to sing it lullabies, to cradle it, to get it up, to + put it to bed, and to nourish it, and I feel that if I had only the + half of one, I would kiss it, swaddle it, and unharness it, and I + would make it jump and crow all day long, as the other ladies do." +</p> +<p> + "Were it not that in giving them birth women die, and that for this + you are still too delicate and too close in the bud, you would already + be a mother," replied the seneschal, made giddy with the flow of + words. "But will you buy one ready-made?—that will cost you neither + pain nor labour." +</p> +<p> + "But," said she, "I want the pain and labour, without which it will + not be ours. I know very well it should be the fruit of my body, + because at church they say that Jesus was the fruit of the Virgin's + womb." +</p> +<p> + "Very well, then pray God that it may be so," cried the seneschal, + "and intercede with the Virgin of Egrignolles. Many a lady has + conceived after the neuvaine; you must not fail to do one." +</p> +<p> + Then the same day Blanche set out towards Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles, + decked out like a queen riding her beautiful mare, having on her a + robe of green velvet, laced down with fine gold lace, open at the + breast, having sleeves of scarlet, little shoes and a high hat + ornamented with precious stones, and a gold waistband that showed off + her little waist, as slim as a pole. She wished to give her dress to + Madame the Virgin, and in fact promised it to her, for the day of her + churching. The Sire de Montsoreau galloped before her, his eye bright + as that of a hawk, keeping the people back and guarding with his + knights the security of the journey. Near Marmoustiers the seneschal, + rendered sleepy by the heat, seeing it was the month of August, + waggled about in his saddle, like a diadem upon the head of a cow, and + seeing so frolicsome and so pretty a lady by the side of so old a + fellow, a peasant girl, who was squatting near the trunk of a tree and + drinking water out of her stone jug inquired of a toothless old hag, + who picked up a trifle by gleaning, if this princess was going to bury + her dead. +</p> +<p> + "Nay," said the old woman, "it is our lady of Roche-Corbon, wife of + the seneschal of Poitou and Touraine, in quest of a child." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Ah!" said the young girl, laughing like a fly just satisfied; + then pointing to the handsome knight who was at the head of the + procession—"he who marches at the head would manage that; she would + save the wax-candles and the vow." +</p> +<p> + "Ha! my little one," replied the hag, "I am rather surprised that she + should go to Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles seeing that there are no + handsome priests there. She might very well stop for a short time + beneath the shadow the belfry of Marmoustiers; she would soon be + fertile, those good fathers are so lively." +</p> +<p> + "By a nun's oath!" said a tramp walking up, "look; the Sire de + Montsoreau is lively and delicate enough to open the lady's heart, the + more so as he is well formed to do so." +</p> +<p> + And all commenced a laugh. The Sire de Montsoreau wished to go to them + and hang them in lime-tree by the road as a punishment for their bad + words, but Blanche cried out quickly— +</p> +<p> + "Oh, sir, do not hang them yet. They have not said all they mean; and + we shall see them on our return." +</p> +<p> + She blushed, and the Sire de Montsoreau looked at her eagerly, as + though to shoot into her the mystic comprehensions of love, but the + clearing out of her intelligence had already been commenced by the + sayings of the peasants which were fructifying in her understanding + —her innocence was like touchwood, there was only need for a word + to inflame it. +</p> +<p> + Thus Blanche perceived now the notable and physical differences + between the qualities of her old husband and perfections of the said + Gauttier, a gentleman who was not over affected with his twenty-three + years, but held himself upright as a ninepin in the saddle, and as + wide-awake as the matin chimes, while in contrast to him, slept the + seneschal; he had courage and dexterity there where his master failed. + He was one of those smart fellows whom the jades would sooner wear at + night than a leathern garment, because they then no longer fear the + fleas; there are some who vituperate them, but no one should be + blamed, because every one should sleep as he likes. +</p> +<p> + So much did the seneschal's lady think, and so imperially well, that + by the time she arrived at the bridge of Tours, she loved Gauttier + secretly, as a maiden loves, without suspecting that it is love. From + that she became a proper woman, that is to say, she desired the good + of others, the best that men have, she fell into a fit of + love-sickness, going at the first jump to the depth of her misery, + seeing that all is flame between the first coveting and the last desire, + and she knew not how she then learned that by the eyes can flow in a + subtle essence, causing such powerful corrosions in all the veins of + the body, recesses of the heart, nerves of the members, roots of the + hair, perspiration of the substance, limbo of the brain, orifices of + the epidermis, windings of the pluck, tubes of the hypochondriac and + other channels which in her was suddenly dilated, heated, tickled, + envenomed, clawed, harrowed, and disturbed, as if she had a basketful + of needles in her inside. This was a maiden's desire, a + well-conditioned desire, which troubled her sight to such a degree that + she no longer saw her old spouse, but clearly the young Gauttier, whose + nature was as ample as the glorious chin of an abbot. When the good + man entered Tours the Ah! Ah! of the crowd woke him up, and he came + with great pomp with his suite to the Church of Notre-Dame de + l'Egrignolles, formerly called la greigneur, as if you said that which + has the most merit. Blanche went into the chapel where children are + asked to God and of the Virgin, and went there alone, as was the + custom, always however in the presence of the seneschal, of his + varlets and the loiterers who remained outside the grill. When the + countess saw the priest come who had charge of the masses said for + children, and who received the said vows, she asked him if there were + many barren women. To which the good priest replied, that he must not + complain, and that the children were good revenue to the Church. +</p> +<p> + "And do you often see," said Blanche, "young women with such old + husbands as my lord?" +</p> +<p> + "Rarely," said he. +</p> +<p> + "But have those obtained offspring?" +</p> +<p> + "Always," replied the priest smiling. +</p> +<p> + "And the others whose companions are not so old?" +</p> +<p> + "Sometimes." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" said she, "there is more certainty then with one like the + seneschal?" +</p> +<p> + "To be sure," said the priest. +</p> +<p> + "Why?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," gravely replied priest, "before that age God alone + interferes with the affair, after, it is the men." +</p> +<p> + At this time it was a true thing that all the wisdom had gone to the + clergy. Blanch made her vow, which was a very profitable one, seeing + that her decorations were worth quite two thousand gold crowns. +</p> +<p> + "You are very joyful!" said the old seneschal to her when on the home + journey she made her mare prance, jump, and frisk. +</p> +<p> + "Yes, yes!" said she. "There is no longer any doubt about my having a + child, because any one can help me, the priest said: I shall take + Gauttier." +</p> +<p> + The seneschal wished to go and slay the monk, but he thought that was + a crime which would cost him too much, and he resolved cunningly to + arrange his vengeance with the help of the archbishop; and before the + housetops of Roche-Corbon came in sight he had ordered the Sire de + Montsoreau to seek a little retirement in his own country, which the + young Gauttier did, knowing the ways of the lord. The seneschal put in + the place of the said Gauttier the son of the Sire de Jallanges, whose + fief was held from Roche-Corbon. He was a young boy named Rene, + approaching fourteen years, and he made him a page, awaiting the time + when he should be old enough to be an equerry, and gave the command of + his men to an old cripple, with whom he had knocked about a great deal + in Palestine and other places. Thus the good man believed he would + avoid the horned trappings of cuckoldom, and would still be able to + girth, bridle, and curb the factious innocence of his wife, which + struggled like a mule held by a rope. +</p> +<center> + THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN. +</center> +<p> + The Sunday following the arrival of Rene at the manor of Roche-Corbon, + Blanche went out hunting without her goodman, and when she was in the + forest near Les Carneaux, saw a monk who appeared to be pushing a girl + about more than was necessary, and spurred on her horse, saying to her + people, "Ho there! Don't let him kill her." But when the seneschal's + lady arrived close to them, she turned her horse's head quickly and + the sight she beheld prevented her from hunting. She came back + pensive, and then the lantern of her intelligence opened, and received + a bright light, which made a thousand things clear, such as church and + other pictures, fables, and lays of the troubadours, or the domestic + arrangements of birds; suddenly she discovered the sweet mystery of + love written in all languages, even in that of the Carps'. Is it not + silly thus to seal this science from maidens? Soon Blanche went to + bed, and soon said she to the seneschal— +</p> +<p> + "Bruyn, you have deceived me, you ought to behave as the monk of the + Carneaux behaved to the girl." +</p> +<p> + Old Bruyn suspected the adventure, and saw well that his evil hour was + at hand. He regarded Blanche with too much fire in his eyes for the + same ardour to be lower down, and answered her softly— +</p> +<p> + "Alas! sweetheart, in taking you for my wife I had more love than + strength, and I have taken advantage of your clemency and virtue. The + great sorrow of my life is to feel all my capability in my heart only. + This sorrow hastens my death little by little, so that you will soon + be free. Wait for my departure from this world. That is the sole + request that he makes of you, he who is your master, and who could + command you, but who wishes only to be your prime minister and slave. + Do not betray the honour of my white hairs! Under these circumstances + there have been lords who have slain their wives. +</p> +<p> + "Alas! you will not kill me?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "No," replied the old man, "I love thee too much, little one; why, + thou art the flower of my old age, the joy of my soul. Thou art my + well-beloved daughter; the sight of thee does good to mine eyes, and + from thee I could endure anything, be it a sorrow or a joy, provided + that thou does not curse too much the poor Bruyn who has made thee a + great lady, rich and honoured. Wilt thou not be a lovely widow? And + thy happiness will soften the pangs of death." +</p> +<p> + And he found in his dried-up eyes still one tear which trickled quite + warm down his fir-cone coloured face, and fell upon the hand of + Blanche, who, grieved to behold this great love of her old spouse who + would put himself under the ground to please her, said laughingly— +</p> +<p> + "There! there! don't cry, I will wait." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the seneschal kissed her hands and regaled her with little + endearments, saying with a voice quivering with emotion— +</p> +<p> + "If you knew, Blanche my darling, how I devour thee in thy sleep with + caresses, now here, now there!" And the old ape patted her with his + two hands, which were nothing but bones. And he continued, "I dared + not waken the cat that would have strangled my happiness, since at + this occupation of love I only embraced with my heart." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" replied she, "you can fondle me thus even when my eyes are open; + that has not the least effect upon me." +</p> +<p> + At these words the poor seneschal, taking the little dagger which was + on the table by the bed, gave it to her, saying with passion— +</p> +<p> + "My darling, kill me, or let me believe that you love me a little!" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, yes," said she, quite frightened, "I will try to love you much." +</p> +<p> + Behold how this young maidenhood made itself master of this old man + and subdued him, for in the name of the sweet face of Venus, Blanche, + endowed with the natural artfulness of women, made her old Bruyn come + and go like a miller's mule. +</p> +<p> + "My good Bruyn, I want this! Bruyn, I want that—go on Bruyn!" Bruyn! + Bruyn! And always Bruyn in such a way that Bruyn was more worn-out by + the clemency of his wife than he would have been by her unkindness. + She turned his brain wishing that everything should be in scarlet, + making him turn everything topsy-turvy at the least movement of her + eyebrow, and when she was sad the seneschal distracted, would say to + everything from his judicial seat, "Hang him!" Another would have died + like a fly at this conflict with the maid's innocence, but Bruyn was + of such an iron nature that it was difficult to finish him off. One + evening that Blanche had turned the house upside-down, upset the men + and the beasts, and would by her aggravating humour have made the + eternal father desperate—he who has such an infinite treasure of + patience since he endures us—she said to the seneschal while getting + into bed, "My good Bruyn, I have low down fancies, that bite and prick + me; thence they rise into my heart, inflame my brain, incite me + therein to evil deeds, and in the night I dream of the monk of the + Carneaux." +</p> +<p> + "My dear," replied the seneschal, "these are devilries and temptations + against which the monks and nuns know how to defend themselves. If you + will gain salvation, go and confess to the worthy Abbot of + Marmoustiers, our neighbour; he will advise you well and will holily + direct you in the good way." +</p> +<p> + "Tomorrow I will go," said she. +</p> +<p> + And indeed directly it was day, she trotted off to the monastery of + the good brethren, who marvelled to see among them so pretty a lady; + committed more than one sin through her in the evening; and for the + present led her with great ceremony to their reverend abbot. +</p> +<p> + Blanche found the said good man in a private garden near the high rock + under a flower arcade, and remained stricken with respect at the + countenance of the holy man, although she was accustomed not to think + much of grey hairs. +</p> +<p> + "God preserve you, Madame; what can you have to seek of one so near + death, you so young?" +</p> +<p> + "Your precious advice," said she, saluting him with a courtesy; "and + if it will please you to guide so undutiful a sheep, I shall be well + content to have so wise a confessor." +</p> +<p> + "My daughter," answered the monk, with whom old Bruyn had arranged + this hypocrisy and the part to play, "if I had not the chills of a + hundred winters upon this unthatched head, I should not dare to listen + to your sins, but say on; if you enter paradise, it will be through + me." +</p> +<p> + Then the seneschal's wife set forth the small fry of her stock in + hand, and when she was purged of her little iniquities, she came to + the postscript of her confession. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my father!" said she, "I must confess to you that I am daily + exercised by the desire to have a child. Is it wrong?" +</p> +<p> + "No," said the abbot. +</p> +<p> + But she went on, "It is by nature commanded to my husband not to draw + from his wealth to bring about his poverty, as the old women say by + the way." +</p> +<p> + "Then," replied the priest, "you must live virtuously and abstain from + all thoughts of this kind." +</p> +<p> + "But I have heard it professed by the Lady of Jallanges, that it was + not a sin when from it one derived neither profit nor pleasure." +</p> +<p> + "There always is pleasure," said the abbot, "but don't count upon the + child as a profit. Now fix this in your understanding, that it will + always be a mortal sin before God and a crime before men to bring + forth a child through the embraces of a man to whom one is not + ecclesiastically married. Thus those women who offend against the holy + laws of marriage, suffer great penalties in the other world, are in + the power of horrible monsters with sharp and tearing claws, who + thrust them into flaming furnaces in remembrance of the fact that here + below they have warmed their hearts a little more than was lawful." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon Blanche scratched her ear, and having thought to herself for + a little while, she said to the priest, "How then did the Virgin + Mary?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" replied abbot, "that it is a mystery." +</p> +<p> + "And what is a mystery?" +</p> +<p> + "A thing that cannot be explained, and which one ought to believe + without enquiring into it." +</p> +<p> + "Well then," said she, "cannot I perform a mystery?" +</p> +<p> + "This one," said the Abbot, "only happened once, because it was the + Son of God." +</p> +<p> + "Alas! my father, is it then the will of God that I should die, or + that from wise and sound comprehension my brain should be turned? Of + this there is a great danger. Now in me something moves and excites + me, and I am no longer in my senses. I care for nothing, and to find a + man I would leap the walls, dash over the fields without shame and + tear my things into tatters, only to see that which so much excited + the monk of the Carneaux; and during these passions which work and + prick my mind and body, there is neither God, devil, nor husband. I + spring, I run, I smash up the wash-tubs, the pots, the farm + implements, a fowl-house, the household things, and everything, in a + way that I cannot describe. But I dare not confess to you all my + misdeeds, because speaking of them makes my mouth water, and the thing + with which God curses me makes me itch dreadfully. If this folly bites + and pricks me, and slays my virtue, will God, who has placed this + great love in my body, condemn me to perdition?" +</p> +<p> + At this question it was the priest who scratched his ear, quite + dumbfounded by the lamentations, profound wisdom, controversies and + intelligence that this virginity secreted. +</p> +<p> + "My daughter," said he, "God has distinguished us from the beasts and + made us a paradise to gain, and for this given us reason, which is a + rudder to steer us against tempests and our ambitious desires, and + there is a means of easing the imaginations of one's brain by fasting, + excessive labours, and other virtues; and instead of frisking and + fretting like a child let loose from school, you should pray to the + virgin, sleep on a hard board, attend to your household duties, and + never be idle." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my father, when I am at church in my seat, I see neither the + priest nor the altar, only the infant Jesus, who brings the thing into + my head. But to finish, if my head is turned and my mind wanders, I am + in the lime-twigs of love." +</p> +<p> + "If thus you were," said the abbot, imprudently, "you would be in the + position of Saint Lidoire, who in a deep sleep one day, one leg here + and one leg there, through the great heat and scantily attired, was + approached by a young man full of mischief, who dexterously seduced + her, and as of this trick the saint was thoroughly ignorant, and much + surprised at being brought to bed, thinking that her unusual size was + a serious malady, she did penance for it as a venial sin, as she had + no pleasure in this wicked business, according to the statement of the + wicked man, who said upon the scaffold where he was executed, that the + saint had in nowise stirred." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my father," said she, "be sure that I should not stir more than + she did!" +</p> +<p> + With this statement she went away prettily and gracefully, smiling and + thinking how she could commit a venial sin. On her return from the + great monastery, she saw in the courtyard of her castle the little + Jallanges, who under the superintendence of an old groom was turning + and wheeling about on a fine horse, bending with the movements of the + animal, dismounting and mounting again with vaults and leaps most + gracefully, and with lissome thighs, so pretty, so dextrous, so + upright as to be indescribable, so much so, that he would have made + the Queen Lucrece long for him, she who killed herself from having + been contaminated against her will. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said Blanche, "if only this page were fifteen, I would go to + sleep comfortably very near to him." +</p> +<p> + Then, in spite of the too great youth of this charming servitor, + during the collation and supper, she eyed frequently the black hair, + the white skin, the grace of Rene, above all his eyes, where was an + abundance of limpid warmth and a great fire of life, which he was + afraid to shoot out—child that he was. +</p> +<p> + Now in the evening, as the seneschal's wife sat thoughtfully in her + chair in the corner of the fireplace, old Bruyn interrogated her as to + her trouble. +</p> +<p> + "I am thinking." said she, "that you must have fought the battles of + love very early, to be thus completely broken up." +</p> +<p> + "Oh!" smiled he, smiling like all old men questioned upon their + amorous remembrances, "at the age of thirteen and a half I had + overcome the scruples of my mother's waiting woman." +</p> +<p> + Blanche wished to hear nothing more, but believed the page Rene should + be equally advanced, and she was quite joyous and practised little + allurements on the good man, and wallowed silently in her desire, like + a cake which is being floured. +</p> +<center> + HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED. +</center> +<p> + The seneschal's wife did not think long over the best way quickly to + awaken the love of the page, and had soon discovered the natural + ambuscade in the which the most wary are taken. This is how: at the + warmest hour of the day the good man took his siesta after the Saracen + fashion, a habit in which he had never failed, since his return from + the Holy Land. During this time Blanche was alone in the grounds, + where the women work at their minor occupations, such as broidering + and stitching, and often remained in the rooms looking after the + washing, putting the clothes tidy, or running about at will. Then she + appointed this quiet hour to complete the education of the page, + making him read books and say his prayers. Now on the morrow, when at + the mid-day hour the seneschal slept, succumbing to the sun which + warms with its most luminous rays the slopes of Roche-Corbon, so much + so that one is obliged to sleep, unless annoyed, upset, and + continually roused by a devil of a young woman. Blanche then + gracefully perched herself in the great seignorial chair of her good + man, which she did not find any too high, since she counted upon the + chances of perspective. The cunning jade settled herself dextrously + therein, like a swallow in its nest, and leaned her head maliciously + upon her arm like a child that sleeps; but in making her preparations + she opened fond eyes, that smiled and winked in advance of the little + secret thrills, sneezes, squints, and trances of the page who was + about to lie at her feet, separated from her by the jump of an old + flea; and in fact she advanced so much and so near the square of + velvet where the poor child should kneel, whose life and soul she + trifled with, that had he been a saint of stone, his glance would have + been constrained to follow the flexousities of the dress in order to + admire and re-admire the perfections and beauties of the shapely leg, + which moulded the white stocking of the seneschal's lady. Thus it was + certain that a weak varlet would be taken in the snare, wherein the + most vigorous knight would willingly have succumbed. When she had + turned, returned, placed and displaced her body, and found the + situation in which the page would be most comfortable, she cried, + gently. "Rene!" Rene, whom she knew well was in the guard-room, did + not fail to run in and quickly thrust his brown head between the + tapestries of the door. +</p> +<p> + "What do you please to wish?" said the page. And he held with great + respect in his hand his shaggy scarlet cap, less red than his fresh + dimpled cheeks. +</p> +<p> + "Come hither," replied she, under her breath, for the child attracted + her so strongly that she was quite overcome. +</p> +<p> + And forsooth there were no jewels so sparkling as the eyes of Rene, no + vellum whiter than his skin, no woman more exquisite in shape—and so + near to her desire, she found him still more sweetly formed—and was + certain that the merry frolics of love would radiate well from this + youth, the warm sun, the silence, et cetera. +</p> +<p> + "Read me the litanies of Madame the Virgin," said she to him, pushing + an open book him on her prieu-dieu. "Let me see if you are well taught + by your master." +</p> +<p> + "Do you not think the Virgin beautiful?" asked she of him, smiling + when he held the illuminated prayer-book in which glowed the silver + and gold. +</p> +<p> + "It is a painting," replied he, timidly, and casting a little glance + upon his so gracious mistress. +</p> +<p> + "Read! read!" +</p> +<p> + Then Rene began to recite the so sweet and so mystic litanies; but you + may imagine that the "Ora pro nobis" of Blanche became still fainter + and fainter, like the sound of the horn in the woodlands, and when the + page went on, "Oh, Rose of mystery," the lady, who certainly heard + distinctly, replied by a gentle sigh. Thereupon Rene suspected that + his mistress slept. Then he commenced to cover her with his regard, + admiring her at his leisure, and had then no wish to utter any anthem + save the anthem of love. His happiness made his heart leap and bound + into his throat; thus, as was but natural, these two innocents burned + one against the other, but if they could have foreseen never would + have intermingled. Rene feasted his eyes, planning in his mind a + thousand fruitions of love that brought the water into his mouth. In + his ecstasy he let his book fall, which made him feel as sheepish as a + monk surprised at a child's tricks; but also from that he knew that + Blanche was sound asleep, for she did not stir, and the wily jade + would not have opened her eyes even at the greatest dangers, and + reckoned on something else falling as well as the book of prayer. +</p> +<p> + There is no worse longing than the longing of a woman in certain + condition. Now, the page noticed his lady's foot, which was delicately + slippered in a little shoe of a delicate blue colour. She had + angularly placed it on a footstool, since she was too high in the + seneschal's chair. This foot was of narrow proportions, delicately + curved, as broad as two fingers, and as long as a sparrow, tail + included, small at the top—a true foot of delight, a virginal foot + that merited a kiss as a robber does the gallows; a roguish foot; a + foot wanton enough to damn an archangel; an ominous foot; a devilishly + enticing foot, which gave one a desire to make two new ones just like + it to perpetuate in this lower world the glorious works of God. The + page was tempted to take the shoe from this persuasive foot. To + accomplish this his eyes glowing with the fire of his age, went + swiftly, like the clapper of a bell, from this said foot of + delectation to the sleeping countenance of his lady and mistress, + listening to her slumber, drinking in her respiration again and again, + it did not know where it would be sweetest to plant a kiss—whether on + the ripe red lips of the seneschal's wife or on this speaking foot. At + length, from respect or fear, or perhaps from great love, he chose the + foot, and kissed it hastily, like a maiden who dares not. Then + immediately he took up his book, feeling his red cheeks redder still, + and exercised with his pleasure, he cried like a blind man—"<i>Janua + coeli,: gate of Heaven</i>." But Blanche did not move, making sure that + the page would go from foot to knee, and thence to "<i>Janua coeli,: gate + of Heaven</i>." She was greatly disappointed when the litanies finished + without any other mischief, and Rene, believing he had had enough + happiness for one day, ran out of the room quite lively, richer from + this hardy kiss than a robber who has robbed the poor-box. +</p> +<p> + When the seneschal's lady was alone, she thought to herself that this + page would be rather a long time at his task if he amused himself with + the singing of the Magnificat at matins. Then she determined on the + morrow to raise her foot a little, and then to bring to light those + hidden beauties that are called perfect in Touraine, because they take + no hurt in the open air, and are always fresh. You can imagine that + the page, burned by his desire and his imagination, heated by the day + before, awaited impatiently the hour to read in this breviary of + gallantry, and was called; and the conspiracy of the litanies + commenced again, and Blanche did not fail to fall asleep. This time + the said Rene fondled with his hand the pretty limb, and even ventured + so far as to verify if the polished knee and its surroundings were + satin. At this sight the poor child, armed against his desire, so + great was his fear, dared only to make brief devotion and curt + caresses, and although he kissed softly this fair surface, he remained + bashful, the which, feeling by the senses of her soul and the + intelligence of her body, the seneschal's lady who took great care not + to move, called out to him—"Ah, Rene, I am asleep." +</p> +<p> + Hearing what he believed to be a stern reproach, the page frightened + ran away, leaving the books, the task, and all. Thereupon, the + seneschal's better half added this prayer to the litany—"Holy Virgin, + how difficult children are to make." +</p> +<p> + At dinner her page perspired all down his back while waiting on his + lady and her lord; but he was very much surprised when he received + from Blanche the most shameless of all glances that ever woman cast, + and very pleasant and powerful it was, seeing that it changed this + child into a man of courage. Now, the same evening Bruyn staying a + little longer than was his custom in his own apartment, the page went + in search of Blanche, and found her asleep, and made her dream a + beautiful dream. +</p> +<p> + He knocked off the chains that weighed so heavily upon her, and so + plentifully bestowed upon her the sweets of love, that the surplus + would have sufficed to render to others blessed with the joys of + maternity. So then the minx, seizing the page by the head and + squeezing him to her, cried out—"Oh, Rene! Thou hast awakened me!" +</p> +<p> + And in fact there was no sleep could stand against it, and it is + certain that saints must sleep very soundly. From this business, + without any other mystery, and by a benign faculty which is the + assisting principle of spouses, the sweet and graceful plumage, + suitable to cuckolds, was placed upon the head of the good husband + without his experiencing the slightest shock. +</p> +<p> + After this sweet repast, the seneschal's lady took kindly to her + siesta after the French fashion, while Bruyn took his according to the + Saracen. But by the said siesta she learned how the good youth of the + page had a better taste than that of the old seneschal, and at night + she buried herself in the sheets far away from her husband, whom she + found strong and stale. And from sleeping and waking up in the day, + from taking siestas and saying litanies, the seneschal's wife felt + growing within her that treasure for which she had so often and so + ardently sighed; but now she liked more the commencement than the + fructifying of it. +</p> +<p> + You may be sure that Rene knew how to read, not only in books, but in + the eyes of his sweet lady, for whom he would have leaped into a + flaming pile, had it been her wish he should do so. When well and + amply, more than a hundred times, the train had been laid by them, the + little lady became anxious about her soul and the future of her friend + the page. Now one rainy day, as they were playing at touch-tag, like + two children, innocent from head to foot, Blanche, who was always + caught, said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Come here, Rene; do you know that while I have only committed venial + sins because I was asleep, you have committed mortal ones?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Madame!" said he, "where then will God stow away all the damned + if that is to sin!" +</p> +<p> + Blanche burst out laughing, and kissed his forehead. +</p> +<p> + "Be quiet, you naughty boy; it is a question of paradise, and we must + live there together if you wish always to be with me." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my paradise is here." +</p> +<p> + "Leave off," said she. "You are a little wretch—a scapegrace who does + not think of that which I love—yourself! You do not know that I am + with child, and that in a little while I shall be no more able to + conceal it than my nose. Now, what will the abbot say? What will my + lord say? He will kill you if he puts himself in a passion. My advice + is little one, that you go to the abbot of Marmoustiers, confess your + sins to him, asking him to see what had better be done concerning my + seneschal. +</p> +<p> + "Alas," said the artful page, "if I tell the secret of our joys, he + will put his interdict upon our love." +</p> +<p> + "Very likely," said she; "but thy happiness in the other world is a + thing so precious to me." +</p> +<p> + "Do you wish it my darling?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," replied she rather faintly. +</p> +<p> + "Well, I will go, but sleep again that I may bid you adieu." +</p> +<p> + And the couple recited the litany of Farewells as if they had both + foreseen that their love must finish in its April. And on the morrow, + more to save his dear lady than to save himself, and also to obey her, + Rene de Jallanges set out towards the great monastery. +</p> +<center> + HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING. +</center> +<p> + "Good God!" cried the abbot, when the page had chanted the Kyrie + eleison of his sweet sins, "thou art the accomplice of a great felony, + and thou has betrayed thy lord. Dost thou know page of darkness, that + for this thou wilt burn through all eternity? and dost thou know what + it is to lose forever the heaven above for a perishable and changeful + moment here below? Unhappy wretch! I see thee precipitated for ever in + the gulfs of hell unless thou payest to God in this world that which + thou owest him for such offence." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the good old abbot, who was of that flesh of which saints + are made, and who had great authority in the country of Touraine, + terrified the young man by a heap of representations, Christian + discourses, remembrances of the commandments of the Church, and a + thousand eloquent things—as many as a devil could say in six weeks to + seduce a maiden—but so many that Rene, who was in the loyal fervour + of innocence, made his submission to the good abbot. The said abbot, + wishing to make forever a good and virtuous man of this child, now in + a fair way to be a wicked one, commanded him first to go and prostrate + himself before his lord, to confess his conduct to him, and then if he + escaped from this confession, to depart instantly for the Crusades, + and go straight to the Holy Land, where he should remain fifteen years + of the time appointed to give battle to the Infidels. +</p> +<p> + "Alas, my reverend father," said he, quite unmoved, "will fifteen + years be enough to acquit me of so much pleasure? Ah! If you knew, I + have had joy enough for a thousand years." +</p> +<p> + "God will be generous. Go," replied the old abbot, "and sin no more. + On this account, <i>ego te absolvo</i>." +</p> +<p> + Poor Rene returned thereupon with great contrition to the castle of + Roche-Corbon and the first person he met was the seneschal, who was + polishing up his arms, helmets, gauntlets, and other things. He was + sitting on a great marble bench in the open air, and was amusing + himself by making shine again the splendid trappings which brought + back to him the merry pranks in the Holy Land, the good jokes, and the + wenches, et cetera. When Rene fell upon his knees before him, the good + lord was much astonished. +</p> +<p> + "What is it?" said he. +</p> +<p> + "My lord," replied Rene, "order these people to retire." +</p> +<p> + Which the servants having done, the page confessed his fault, + recounting how he had assailed his lady in her sleep, and that for + certain he had made her a mother in imitation of the man and the + saint, and came by order of the confessor to put himself at the + disposition of the offended person. Having said which, Rene de + Jallanges cast down his lovely eyes, which had produced all the + mischief, and remained abashed, prostrate without fear, his arms + hanging down, his head bare, awaiting his punishment, and humbling + himself to God. The seneschal was not so white that he could not + become whiter, and now he blanched like linen newly dried, remaining + dumb with passion. And this old man who had not in his veins the vital + force to procreate a child, found in this moment of fury more vigour + than was necessary to undo a man. He seized with his hairy right hand + his heavy club, lifted it, brandished it and adjusted it so easily you + could have thought it a bowl at a game of skittles, to bring it down + upon the pale forehead of the said Rene, who knowing that he was + greatly in fault towards his lord, remained placid, and stretching his + neck, thought that he was about to expiate his sin for his sweetheart + in this world and in the other. +</p> +<p> + But his fair youth, and all the natural seductions of this sweet + crime, found grace before the tribunal of the heart of this old man, + although Bruyn was still severe, and throwing his club away on to a + dog who was catching beetles, he cried out, "May a thousand million + claws, tear during all eternity, all the entrails of him, who made + him, who planted the oak, that made the chair, on which thou hast + antlered me—and the same to those who engendered thee, cursed page of + misfortune! Get thee to the devil, whence thou camest—go out from + before me, from the castle, from the country, and stay not here one + moment more than is necessary, otherwise I will surely prepare for + thee a death by slow fire that shall make thee curse twenty times an + hour thy villainous and ribald partner!" +</p> +<p> + Hearing the commencement of these little speeches of the seneschal, + whose youth came back in his oaths, the page ran away, escaping the + rest: and he did well. Bruyn, burning with a fierce rage, gained the + gardens speedily, reviling everything by the way, striking and + swearing; he even knocked over three large pans held by one of his + servants, was carrying the mess to the dogs, and he was so beside + himself that he would have killed a labourer for a "thank you." He + soon perceived his unmaidenly maiden, who was looking towards the road + to the monastery, waiting for the page, and unaware that she would + never see him again. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, my lady! By the devil's red three-pronged fork, am I a swallower + of tarradiddles and a child, to believe that you are so fashioned that + a page can behave in this manner and you not know it? By the death! By + the head! By the blood!" +</p> +<p> + "Hold!" she replied, seeing that the mine was sprung, "I knew it well + enough, but as you had not instructed me in these matters I thought + that I was dreaming!" +</p> +<p> + The great ire of the seneschal melted like snow in the sun, for the + direst anger of God himself would have vanished at a smile from + Blanche. +</p> +<p> + "May a thousand millions of devils carry off this alien child! I swear + that—" +</p> +<p> + "There! there! do not swear," said she. "If it is not yours, it is + mine; and the other night did you not tell me you loved everything + that came from me?" +</p> +<p> + Thereupon she ran on with such a lot of arguments, hard words, + complaints, quarrels, tears, and other paternosters of women; such as + —firstly the estates would not have to be returned to the king; that + never had a child been brought more innocently into the world, that + this, that that, a thousand things; until the good cuckold relented, + and Blanche, seizing a propitious interruption said— +</p> +<p> + "And where it is the page?" +</p> +<p> + "Gone to the devil!" +</p> +<p> + "What, have you killed him?" said she. She turned pale and tottered. +</p> +<p> + Bruyn did not know what would become of him when he saw thus fall all + the happiness of his old age, and he would to save her have shown her + this page. He ordered him to be sought, but Rene had run off at full + speed, fearing he should be killed; and departed for the lands beyond + the seas, in order to accomplish his vow of religion. When Blanche had + learned from the above-mentioned abbot the penitence imposed upon her + well beloved, she fell into a state of great melancholy, saying at + times, "Where is he, the poor unfortunate, who is in the middle of + great dangers for love of me?" +</p> +<p> + And always kept on asking, like a child who gives its mother no rest + until its request be granted it. At these lamentations the poor + seneschal, feeling himself to blame, endeavoured to do a thousand + things, putting one out of the question, in order to make Blanche + happy; but nothing was equal to the sweet caresses of the page. + However, she had one day the child so much desired. You may be sure + that was a fine festival for the good cuckold, for the resemblance to + the father was distinctly engraved upon the face of this sweet fruit + of love. Blanche consoled herself greatly, and picked up again a + little of her old gaiety and flower of innocence, which rejoiced the + aged hours of the seneschal. From constantly seeing the little one run + about, watching its laughs answer those of the countess, he finished + by loving it, and would have been in a great rage with anyone who had + not believed him its father. +</p> +<p> + Now as the adventure of Blanche and her page had not been carried + beyond the castle, it was related throughout Touraine that Messire + Bruyn had still found himself sufficiently in funds to afford a child. + Intact remained the virtue of Blanche, and by the quintessence of + instruction drawn by her from the natural reservoir of women, she + recognised how necessary it was to be silent concerning the venial sin + with which her child was covered. So she became modest and good, and + was cited as a virtuous person. And then to make use of him she + experimented on the goodness of her good man, and without giving him + leave to go further than her chin, since she looked upon herself as + belonging to Rene, Blanche, in return for the flowers of age which + Bruyn offered her, coddled him, smiled upon him, kept him merry, and + fondled him with pretty ways and tricks, which good wives bestow upon + the husbands they deceive; and all so well, that the seneschal did not + wish to die, squatted comfortably in his chair, and the more he lived + the more he became partial to life. But to be brief, one night he died + without knowing where he was going, for he said to Blanche, "Ho! ho! + My dear, I see thee no longer! Is it night?" +</p> +<p> + It was the death of the just, and he had well merited it as a reward + for his labours in the Holy Land. +</p> +<p> + Blanche held for his death a great and true mourning, weeping for him + as one weeps for one's father. She remained melancholy, without + wishing to lend her ear to the music of a second wedding, for which + she was praised by all good people, who knew not that she had a + husband in her heart, a life in hope; but she was the greater part of + her time a widow in fact and widow in heart, because hearing no news + of her lover at the Crusades, the poor Countess reputed him dead, and + during certain nights seeing him wounded and lying at full length, she + would wake up in tears. She lived thus for fourteen years in the + remembrance of one day of happiness. Finally, one day when she had + with her certain ladies of Touraine, and they were talking together + after dinner, behold her little boy, who was at that time about + thirteen and a half, and resembled Rene more than it is allowable for + a child to resemble his father, and had nothing of the Sire Bruyn + about him but his name—behold the little one, a madcap and pretty + like his mother, who came in from the garden, running, perspiring, + panting, jumping, scattering all things in his way, after the uses and + customs of infancy, and who ran straight to his well-beloved mother, + jumping into her lap, and interrupting the conversation, cried out— +</p> +<p> + "Oh, mother I want to speak to you, I have seen in the courtyard a + pilgrim, who squeezed me very tight." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" cried the chatelaine, hurrying towards one of the servants who + had charge of the young count and watched over his precious days, "I + have forbidden you ever to leave my son in the hands of strangers, not + even in those of the holiest man in the world. You quit my service." +</p> +<p> + "Alas! my lady," replied the old equerry, quite overcome, "this one + wished him no harm for he wept while kissing him passionately." +</p> +<p> + "He wept?" said she; "ah! it's the father." +</p> +<p> + Having said which, she leaned her head of upon the chair in which she + was sitting, and which you may be sure was the chair in which she has + sinned. +</p> +<p> + Hearing these strange words the ladies was so surprised that at first + they did not perceive that the seneschal's widow was dead, without its + ever been known if her sudden death was caused by her sorrow at the + departure of her lover, who, faithful to his vow, did not wish to see + her, or from great joy at his return and the hope of getting the + interdict removed which the Abbot of Marmoustiers had placed upon + their loves. And there was a great mourning for her, for the Sire de + Jallanges lost his spirits when he saw his lady laid in the ground, + and became a monk of Marmoustiers, which at that time was called by + some Maimoustier, as much as to say Maius Monasterium, the largest + monastery, and it was indeed the finest in all France. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE KING'S SWEETHEART +</h2> +<p> + There lived at this time at the forges of the Pont-aux-Change, a + goldsmith whose daughter was talked about in Paris on account of her + great beauty, and renowned above all things for her exceeding + gracefulness. There were those who sought her favours by the usual + tricks of love and, but others offered large sums of money to the + father to give them his daughter in lawful wedlock, the which pleased + him not a little. +</p> +<p> + One of his neighbours, a parliamentary advocate, who by selling his + cunning devices to the public had acquired as many lands as a dog has + fleas, took it into his head to offer the said father a domain in + consideration of his consent to this marriage, which he ardently + desired to undertake. To this arrangement our goldsmith was nothing + loth. He bargained away his daughter, without taking into + consideration the fact that her patched-up old suitor had the features + of an ape and had scarcely a tooth in his jaws. The smell which + emanated from his mouth did not however disturb his own nostrils, + although he was filthy and high flavoured, as are all those who pass + their lives amid the smoke of chimneys, yellow parchment, and other + black proceedings. Immediately this sweet girl saw him she exclaimed, + "Great Heaven! I would rather not have him." +</p> +<p> + "That concerns me not," said the father, who had taken a violent fancy + to the proffered domain. "I give him to you for a husband. You must + get on as well as you can together. That is his business now, and his + duty is to make himself agreeable to you." +</p> +<p> + "Is it so?" said she. "Well then, before I obey your orders I'll let + him know what he may expect." +</p> +<p> + And the same evening, after supper, when the love-sick man of law was + pleading his cause, telling her he was mad for her, and promising her + a life of ease and luxury, she taking him up, quickly remarked— +</p> +<p> + "My father had sold me to you, but if you take me, you will make a bad + bargain, seeing that I would rather offer myself to the passers-by + than to you. I promise you a disloyalty that will only finish with + death—yours or mine." +</p> +<p> + Then she began to weep, like all young maidens will before they become + experienced, for afterwards they never cry with their eyes. The good + advocate took this strange behaviour for one of those artifices by + which the women seek to fan the flames of love and turn the devotion + of their admirers into the more tender caress and more daring + osculation that speaks a husband's right. So that the knave took + little notice of it, but laughing at the complaints of the charming + creature, asked her to fix the day. +</p> +<p> + "To-morrow," replied she, "for the sooner this odious marriage takes + place, the sooner I shall be free to have gallants and to lead the gay + life of those who love where it pleases them." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the foolish fellow—as firmly fixed as a fly in a glue pot + —went away, made his preparations, spoke at the Palace, ran to the + High Court, bought dispensations, and conducted his purchase more + quickly than he ever done one before, thinking only of the lovely girl. + Meanwhile the king, who had just returned from a journey, heard + nothing spoken of at court but the marvellous beauty of the jeweller's + daughter who had refused a thousand crowns from this one, snubbed that + one; in fact, would yield to no one, but turned up her nose at the + finest young men of the city, gentlemen who would have forfeited their + seat in paradise only to possess one day, this little dragon of + virtue. +</p> +<p> + The good king, was a judge of such game, strolled into the town, past + the forges, and entered the goldsmith's shop, for the purpose of + buying jewels for the lady of his heart, but at the same time to + bargain for the most precious jewel in the shop. The king not taking a + fancy to the jewels, or they not being to his taste, the good man + looked in a secret drawer for a big white diamond. +</p> +<p> + "Sweetheart," said he, to the daughter, while her father's nose was + buried in the drawer, "sweetheart, you were not made to sell precious + stones, but to receive them, and if you were to give me all the little + rings in the place to choose from, I know one that many here are mad + for; that pleases me; to which I should ever be subject and servant; + and whose price the whole kingdom of France could never pay." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! sire!" replied the maid, "I shall be married to-morrow, but if + you will lend me the dagger that is in your belt, I will defend my + honour, and you shall take it, that the gospel made be observed + wherein it says, '<i>Render unto Caesar the things which be + Caesar's' . . .</i>" +</p> +<p> + Immediately the king gave her the little dagger, and her brave reply + rendered him so amorous that he lost his appetite. He had an apartment + prepared, intending to lodge his new lady-love in the Rue a + l'Hirundelle, in one of his palaces. +</p> +<p> + And now behold my advocate, in a great hurry to get married, to the + disgust of his rivals, the leading his bride to the altar to the clang + of bells and the sound of music, so timed as to provoke the qualms of + diarrhoea. In the evening, after the ball, comes he into the nuptial + chamber, where should be reposing his lovely bride. No longer is she a + lovely bride—but a fury—a wild she-devil, who, seated in an + armchair, refuses her share of her lord's couch, and sits defiantly + before the fire warming at the same time her ire and her calves. The + good husband, quite astonished, kneels down gently before her, + inviting her to the first passage of arms in that charming battle + which heralds a first night of love; but she utters not a word, and + when he tries to raise her garment, only just to glance at the charms + that have cost him so dear, she gives him a slap that makes his bones + rattle, and refuses to utter a syllable. +</p> +<p> + This amusement, however, by no means displeased our friend the + advocate, who saw at the end of his troubles that which you can as + well imagine as he did; so played he his share of the game manfully, + taking cheerfully the punishment bestowed upon him. By so much + hustling about, scuffling, and struggling he managed at last to tear + away a sleeve, to slit a petticoat, until he was able to place his + hand upon his own property. This bold endeavour brought Madame to her + feet and drawing the king's dagger, "What would you with me?" she + cried. +</p> +<p> + "Everything," answered he. +</p> +<p> + "Ha! I should be a great fool to give myself against my inclination! + If you fancied you would find my virtue unarmed you made a great + error. Behold the poniard of the king, with which I will kill you if + you make the semblance of a step towards me." +</p> +<p> + So saying, she took a cinder, and having still her eyes upon her lord + she drew a circle on the floor, adding, "These are the confines of the + king's domain. Beware how you pass them." +</p> +<p> + The advocate, with whose ideas of love-making the dagger sadly + interfered, stood quite discomfited, but at the same time he heard the + cruel speech of his tormentor he caught sight through the slits and + tears in her robe of a sweet sample of a plump white thigh, and such + voluptuous specimens of hidden mysteries, et cetera, that death seemed + sweet to him if he could only taste of them a little. So that he + rushed within the domain of the king, saying, "I mind not death." In + fact he came with such force that his charmer fell backwards onto the + bed, but keeping her presence of mind she defended herself so + gallantly that the advocate enjoyed no further advantage than a knock + at the door that would not admit him, and he gained as well a little + stab from the poniard which did not wound him deeply, so that it did + not cost him very dearly, his attack upon the realm of his sovereign. + But maddened with this slight advantage, he cried, "I cannot live + without the possession of that lovely body, and those marvels of love. + Kill me then!" And again he attacked the royal preserves. The young + beauty, whose head was full of the king, was not even touched by this + great love, said gravely, "If you menace me further, it is not you but + myself I will kill." She glared at him so savagely that the poor man + was quite terrified, and commenced to deplore the evil hour in which + he had taken her to wife, and thus the night which should have been so + joyous, was passed in tears, lamentations, prayers, and ejaculations. + In vain he tempted her with promises; she should eat out of gold, she + should be a great lady, he would buy houses and lands for her. Oh! if + she would only let him break one lance with her in the sweet conflict + of love, he would leave her for ever and pass the remainder of his + life according to her fantasy. But she, still unyielding, said she + would permit him to die, and that was the only thing he could do to + please her. +</p> +<p> + "I have not deceived you," said she. "Agreeable to my promise, I shall + give myself to the king, making you a present of the peddler, chance + passers, and street loungers with whom I threatened you." +</p> +<p> + When the day broke she put on her wedding garments and waited + patiently till the poor husband had to depart to his office client's + business, and then ran out into the town to seek the king. But she had + not gone a bow-shot from the house before one of the king's servants + who had watched the house from dawn, stopped her with the question— +</p> +<p> + "Do you seek the king?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Good; then allow me to be your good friend," said the subtle + courtier. "I ask your aid and protection, as now I give you mine." +</p> +<p> + With that he told her what sort of a man the king was, which was his + weak side, that he was passionate one day and silent the next, that + she would luxuriously lodged and well kept, but that she must keep the + king well in hand; in short, he chatted so pleasantly that the time + passed quickly until she found herself in the Hotel de l'Hirundelle + where afterwards lived Madame d'Estampes. The poor husband shed + scalding tears, when he found his little bird had flown, and became + melancholy and pensive. His friends and neighbours edified his ears + with as many taunts and jeers as Saint Jacques had the honour of + receiving in Compostella, but the poor fellow took it so to heart, + that at last they tried rather to assuage his grief. These artful + compeers by a species of legal chicanery, decreed that the good man + was not a cuckold, seeing that his wife had refused a consummation, + and if the planter of horns had been anyone but the king, the said + marriage might have been dissolved; but the amorous spouse was + wretched unto death at my lady's trick. However, he left her to the + king, determining one day to have her to himself, and thinking that a + life-long shame would not be too dear a payment for a night with her. + One must love well to love like that, eh? and there are many worldly + ones, who mock at such affection. But he, still thinking of her, + neglected his cases and his clients, his robberies and everything. He + went to the palace like a miser searching for a lost sixpence, bowed + down, melancholy, and absent-minded, so much so, that one day he + relieved himself against the robe of a counsellor, believing all the + while he stood against a wall. Meanwhile the beautiful girl was loved + night and day by the king, who could not tear himself from her + embraces, because in amorous play she was so excellent, knowing as + well how to fan the flame of love as to extinguish it—to-day snubbing + him, to-morrow petting him, never the same, and with it a thousand + little tricks to charm the ardent lover. +</p> +<p> + A lord of Bridore killed himself through her, because she would not + receive his embraces, although he offered her his land, Bridore in + Touraine. Of these gallants of Touraine, who gave an estate for one + tilt with love's lance, there are none left. This death made the fair + one sad, and since her confessor laid the blame of it upon her, she + determined for the future to accept all domains and secretly ease + their owner's amorous pains for the better saving of their souls from + perdition. 'Twas thus she commenced to build up that great fortune + which made her a person of consideration in the town. By this means + she prevented many gallant gentlemen from perishing, playing her game + so well, and inventing such fine stories, that his Majesty little + guessed how much she aided him in securing the happiness of his + subjects. The fact is, she has such a hold over him that she could + have made him believe the floor was the ceiling, which was perhaps + easier for him to think than anyone else seeing that at the Rue + d'Hirundelle my lord king passed the greater portion of his time + embracing her always as though he would see if such a lovely article + would wear away: but he wore himself out first, poor man, seeing that + he eventually died from excess of love. Although she took care to + grant her favours only to the best and noblest in the court, and that + such occasions were rare as miracles, there were not wanting those + among her enemies and rivals who declared that for 10,000 crowns a + simple gentleman might taste the pleasures of his sovereign, which was + false above all falseness, for when her lord taxed her with it, did + she not reply, "Abominable wretches! Curse the devils who put this + idea in your head! I never yet did have man who spent less than 30,000 + crowns upon me." +</p> +<p> + The king, although vexed could not repress a smile, and kept her on a + month to silence scandal. And last, la demoiselle de Pisseleu, anxious + to obtain her place, brought about her ruin. Many would have liked to + be ruined in the same way, seeing she was taken by a young lord, was + happy with him, the fires of love in her being still unquenched. But + to take up the thread again. One day that the king's sweetheart was + passing through the town in her litter to buy laces, furs, velvets, + broideries, and other ammunition, and so charmingly attired, and + looking so lovely, that anyone, especially the clerks, would have + believed the heavens were open above them, behold, her good man, who + comes upon her near the old cross. She, at that time lazily swinging + her charming little foot over the side of the litter, drew in her head + as though she had seen an adder. She was a good wife, for I know some + who would have proudly passed their husbands, to their shame and to + the great disrespect of conjugal rights. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter?" asked one M. de Lannoy, who humbly accompanied + her. +</p> +<p> + "Nothing," she whispered; "but that person is my husband. Poor man, + how changed he looks. Formerly he was the picture of a monkey; today + he is the very image of a Job." +</p> +<p> + The poor advocate stood opened-mouthed. His heart beat rapidly at the + sight of that little foot—of that wife so wildly loved. +</p> +<p> + Observing which, the Sire de Lannoy said to him, with courtly + innocence— +</p> +<p> + "If you are her husband, is that any reason you should stop her + passage?" +</p> +<p> + At this she burst out laughing, and the good husband instead of + killing her bravely, shed scalding tears at that laugh which pierced + his heart, his soul, his everything, so much that he nearly tumbled + over an old citizen whom the sight of the king's sweetheart had driven + against the wall. The aspect of this weak flower, which had been his + in the bud, but far from him had spread its lovely leaves; of the + fairy figure, the voluptuous bust—all this made the poor advocate + more wretched and more mad for her than it is possible to express in + words. You must have been madly in love with a woman who refuses your + advances thoroughly to understand the agony of this unhappy man. Rare + indeed is it to be so infatuated as he was. He swore that life, + fortune, honour—all might go, but that for once at least he would be + flesh-to-flesh with her, and make so grand a repast off her dainty + body as would suffice him all his life. He passed the night saying, + "oh yes; ah! I'll have her!" and "Curses am I not her husband?" and + "Devil take me," striking himself on the forehead and tossing about. + There are chances and occasions which occur so opportunely in this + world that little-minded men refuse them credence, saying they are + supernatural, but men of high intellect know them to be true because + they could not be invented. One of the chances came to the poor + advocate, even the day after that terrible one which had been so sore + a trial to him. One of his clients, a man of good renown, who had his + audiences with the king, came one morning to the advocate, saying that + he required immediately a large sum of money, about 12,000 crowns. To + which the artful fellow replied, 12,000 crowns were not so often met + at the corner of a street as that which often is seen at the corner of + the street; that besides the sureties and guarantees of interest, it + was necessary to find a man who had about him 12,000 crowns, and that + those gentlemen were not numerous in Paris, big city as it was, and + various other things of a like character the man of cunning remarked. +</p> +<p> + "Is it true, my lord, the you have a hungry and relentless creditor?" + said he. +</p> +<p> + "Yes, yes," replied the other, "it concerns the mistress of the king. + Don't breathe a syllable; but this evening, in consideration of 20,000 + crowns and my domain of Brie, I shall take her measure." +</p> +<p> + Upon this the advocate blanched, and the courtier perceived he touched + a tender point. As he had only lately returned from the wars, he did + not know that the lovely woman adored by the king had a husband. +</p> +<p> + "You appear ill," he said. +</p> +<p> + "I have a fever," replied the knave. "But is it to her that you give + the contract and the money?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Who then manages the bargain? Is it she also?" +</p> +<p> + "No," said the noble; "her little arrangements are concluded through a + servant of hers, the cleverest little ladies'-maid that ever was. + She's sharper than mustard, and these nights stolen from the king have + lined her pockets well." +</p> +<p> + "I know a Lombard who would accommodate you. But nothing can be done; + of the 12,000 crowns you shall not have a brass farthing if this same + ladies'-maid does not come here to take the price of the article that + is so great an alchemist that turns blood into gold, by Heaven!" +</p> +<p> + "It will be a good trick to make her sign the receipt," replied the + lord, laughing. +</p> +<p> + The servant came faithfully to the rendezvous with the advocate, who + had begged the lord to bring her. The ducats looked bright and + beautiful. There they lay all in a row, like nuns going to vespers. + Spread out upon the table they would have made a donkey smile, even if + he were being gutted alive; so lovely, so splendid, were those brave + noble young piles. The good advocate, however, had prepared this view + for no ass, for the little handmaiden look longingly at the golden + heap, and muttered a prayer at the sight of them. Seeing which, the + husband whispered in her ear his golden words, "These are for you." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she; "I have never been so well paid." +</p> +<p> + "My dear," replied the dear man, "you shall have them without being + troubled with me;" and turning her round, "Your client has not told + you who I am, eh? No? Learn then, I am the husband of the lady whom + the king has debauched, and whom you serve. Carry her these crowns, + and come back here. I will hand over yours to you on a condition which + will be to your taste." +</p> +<p> + The servant did as she was bidden, and being very curious to know how + she could get 12,000 crowns without sleeping with the advocate, was + very soon back again. +</p> +<p> + "Now, my little one," said he, "here are 12,000 crowns. With this sum + I could buy lands, men, women, and the conscience of three priests at + least; so that I believe if I give it to you I can have you, body, + soul, and toe nails. And I shall have faith in you like an advocate, I + expect that you will go to the lord who expects to pass the night with + my wife, and you will deceive him, by telling him that the king is + coming to supper with her, and that to-night he must seek his little + amusements elsewhere. By so doing I shall be able to take his place + and the king's." +</p> +<p> + "But how?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Oh!" replied he; "I have bought you, you and your tricks. You won't + have to look at these crowns twice without finding me a way to have my + wife. In bringing this conjunction about you commit no sin. It is a + work of piety to bring together two people whose hands only been put + one in to the other, and that by the priest." +</p> +<p> + "By my faith, come," said she; "after supper the lights will be put + out, and you can enjoy Madame if you remain silent. Luckily, on these + joyful occasions she cries more than she speaks, and asks questions + with her hands alone, for she is very modest, and does not like loose + jokes, like the ladies of the Court." +</p> +<p> + "Oh," cried the advocate, "look, take the 12,000 crowns, and I promise + you twice as much more if I get by fraud that which belongs to me by + right." +</p> +<p> + Then he arranged the hour, the door, the signal, and all; and the + servant went away, bearing with her on the back of the mules the + golden treasure wrung by fraud and trickery from the widow and the + orphan, and they were all going to that place where everything + goes—save our lives, which come from it. Now behold my advocate, who + shaves himself, scents himself, goes without onions for dinner that + his breath may be sweet, and does everything to make himself as + presentable as a gallant signor. He gives himself the airs of a young + dandy, tries to be lithe and frisky and to disguise his ugly face; he + might try all he knew, he always smelt of the musty lawyer. He was not + so clever as the pretty washerwoman of Portillon who one day wishing + to appear at her best before one of her lovers, got rid of a + disagreeable odour in a manner well known to young women of an + inventive turn of mind. But our crafty fellow fancied himself the + nicest man in the world, although in spite of his drugs and perfumes + he was really the nastiest. He dressed himself in his thinnest clothes + although the cold pinched him like a rope collar and sallied forth, + quickly gaining the Rue d'Hirundelle. There he had to wait some time. + But just as he was beginning to think he had been made a fool of, and + just as it was quite dark, the maid came down and opened alike the + door to him and good husband slipped gleefully into the king's + apartment. The girl locked him carefully in a cupboard that was close + to his wife's bed, and through a crack he feasted his eyes upon her + beauty, for she undressed herself before the fire, and put on a thin + nightgown, through which her charms were plainly visible. Believing + herself alone with her maid she made those little jokes that women + will when undressing. "Am I not worth 20,000 crowns to-night? Is that + overpaid with a castle in Brie?" +</p> +<p> + And saying this she gently raised two white supports, firm as rocks, + which had well sustained many assaults, seeing they had been furiously + attacked and had not softened. "My shoulders alone are worth a + kingdom; no king could make their equal. But I am tired of this life. + That which is hard work is no pleasure." The little maid smiled, and + her lovely mistress said to her, "I should like to see you in my + place." Then the maid laughed, saying— +</p> +<p> + "Be quiet, Madame, he is there." +</p> +<p> + "Who?" +</p> +<p> + "Your husband." +</p> +<p> + "Which?" +</p> +<p> + "The real one." +</p> +<p> + "Chut!" said Madame. +</p> +<p> + And her maid told her the whole story, wishing to keep her favour and + the 12,000 crowns as well. +</p> +<p> + "Oh well, he shall have his money's worth. I'll give his desires time + to cool. If he tastes me may I lose my beauty and become as ugly as a + monkey's baby. You get into bed in my place and thus gain the 12,000 + crowns. Go and tell him that he must take himself off early in the + morning in order that I may not find out your trick upon me, and just + before dawn I will get in by his side." +</p> +<p> + The poor husband was freezing and his teeth were chattering, and the + chambermaid coming to the cupboard on pretence of getting some linen, + said to him, "Your hour of bliss approaches. Madame to-night has made + grand preparations and you will be well served. But work without + whistling, otherwise I shall be lost." +</p> +<p> + At last, when the good husband was on the point of perishing with + cold, the lights were put out. The maid cried softly in the curtains + to the king's sweetheart, that his lordship was there, and jumped into + bed, while her mistress went out as if she had been the chambermaid. + The advocate, released from his cold hiding-place, rolled rapturously + into the warm sheets, thinking to himself, "Oh! this is good!" To tell + the truth, the maid gave him his money's worth—and the good man + thought of the difference between the profusion of the royal houses + and the niggardly ways of the citizens' wives. The servant laughing, + played her part marvellously well, regaling the knave with gentle + cries, shiverings, convulsions and tossings about, like a newly-caught + fish on the grass, giving little Ah! Ahs! in default of other words; + and as often as the request was made by her, so often was it complied + with by the advocate, who dropped of to sleep at last, like an empty + pocket. But before finishing, the lover who wished to preserve a + souvenir of this sweet night of love, by a dextrous turn, plucked out + one of his wife's hairs, where from I know not, seeing I was not + there, and kept in his hand this precious gauge of the warm virtue of + that lovely creature. Towards the morning, when the cock crew, the + wife slipped in beside her husband, and pretended to sleep. Then the + maid tapped gently on the happy man's forehead, whispering in his ear, + "It is time, get into your clothes and off you go—it's daylight." The + good man grieved to lose his treasure, and wished to see the source of + his vanished happiness. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" said he, proceeding to compare certain things, "I've got + light hair, and this is dark." +</p> +<p> + "What have you done?" said the servant; "Madame will see she has been + duped." +</p> +<p> + "But look." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, with an air of disdain, "do you not know, you who + knows everything, that that which is plucked dies and discolours?" and + thereupon roaring with laughter at the good joke, she pushed him out + of doors. This became known. The poor advocate, named Feron, died of + shame, seeing that he was the only one who had not his own wife while + she, who was from this was called La Belle Feroniere, married, after + leaving the king, a young lord, Count of Buzancois. And in her old + days she would relate the story, laughingly adding, that she had never + scented the knave's flavour. +</p> +<p> + This teaches us not to attach ourselves more than we can help to wives + who refuse to support our yoke. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE DEVIL'S HEIR +</h2> +<p> + There once was a good old canon of Notre Dame de Paris, who lived in a + fine house of his own, near St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs, in the Parvis. This + canon had come a simple priest to Paris, naked as a dagger without its + sheath. But since he was found to be a handsome man, well furnished + with everything, and so well constituted, that if necessary he was + able to do the work of many, without doing himself much harm, he gave + himself up earnestly to the confessing of ladies, giving to the + melancholy a gentle absolution, to the sick a drachm of his balm, to + all some little dainty. He was so well known for his discretion, his + benevolence, and other ecclesiastical qualities, that he had customers + at Court. Then in order not to awaken the jealousy of the officials, + that of the husbands and others, in short, to endow with sanctity + these good and profitable practices, the Lady Desquerdes gave him a + bone of St. Victor, by virtue of which all the miracles were + performed. And to the curious it was said, "He has a bone which will + cure everything;" and to this, no one found anything to reply, because + it was not seemly to suspect relics. Beneath the shade of his cassock, + the good priest had the best of reputations, that of a man valiant + under arms. So he lived like a king. He made money with holy water; + sprinkled it and transmitted the holy water into good wine. More than + that, his name lay snugly in all the et ceteras of the notaries, in + wills or in caudicils, which certain people have falsely written + <i>codicil</i>, seeing that the word is derived from cauda, as if to say the + tail of the legacy. In fact, the good old Long Skirts would have been + made an archbishop if he had only said in joke, "I should like to put + on a mitre for a handkerchief in order to have my head warmer." Of all + the benefices offered to him, he chose only a simple canon's stall to + keep the good profits of the confessional. But one day the courageous + canon found himself weak in the back, seeing that he was all + sixty-eight years old, and had held many confessionals. Then thinking + over all his good works, he thought it about time to cease his + apostolic labours, the more so, as he possessed about one hundred + thousand crowns earned by the sweat of his body. From that day he only + confessed ladies of high lineage, and did it very well. So that it was + said at Court that in spite of the efforts of the best young clerks + there was still no one but the Canon of St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs to + properly bleach the soul of a lady of condition. Then at length the + canon became by force of nature a fine nonagenarian, snowy about the + head, with trembling hands, but square as a tower, having spat so much + without coughing, that he coughed now without being able to spit; no + longer rising from his chair, he who had so often risen for humanity; + but drinking dry, eating heartily, saying nothing, but having all the + appearance of a living Canon of Notre Dame. Seeing the immobility of + the aforesaid canon; seeing the stories of his evil life which for + some time had circulated among the common people, always ignorant; + seeing his dumb seclusion, his flourishing health, his young old age, + and other things too numerous to mention—there were certain people + who to do the marvellous and injure our holy religion, went about + saying that the true canon was long since dead, and that for more than + fifty years the devil had taken possession of the old priest's body. + In fact, it seemed to his former customers that the devil could only + by his great heat have furnished these hermetic distillations, that + they remembered to have obtained on demand from this good confessor, + who always had le diable au corps. But as this devil had been + undoubtedly cooked and ruined by them, and that for a queen of twenty + years he would not have moved, well-disposed people and those not + wanting in sense, or the citizens who argued about everything, people + who found lice in bald heads, demanded why the devil rested under the + form of a canon, went to the Church of Notre Dame at the hours when + the canons usually go, and ventured so far as to sniff the perfume of + the incense, taste the holy water, and a thousand other things. To + these heretical propositions some said that doubtless the devil wished + to convert himself, and others that he remained in the shape of the + canon to mock at the three nephews and heirs of this said brave + confessor and make them wait until the day of their own death for the + ample succession of this uncle, to whom they paid great attention + every day, going to look if the good man had his eyes open, and in + fact found him always with his eye clear, bright, and piercing as the + eye of a basilisk, which pleased them greatly, since they loved their + uncle very much—in words. On this subject an old woman related that + for certain the canon was the devil, because his two nephews, the + procureur and the captain, conducting their uncle at night, without a + lamp, or lantern, returning from a supper at the penitentiary's, had + caused him by accident to tumble over a heap of stones gathered + together to raise the statue of St. Christopher. At first the old man + had struck fire in falling, but was, amid the cries of his dear + nephews and by the light of the torches they came to seek at her house + found standing up as straight as a skittle and as gay as a weaving + whirl, exclaiming that the good wine of the penitentiary had given him + the courage to sustain this shock and that his bones were exceedingly + hard and had sustained rude assaults. The good nephews believing him + dead, were much astonished, and perceived that the day that was to + dispatch their uncle was a long way off, seeing that at the business + stones were of no use. So that they did not falsely call him their + good uncle, seeing that he was of good quality. Certain scandalmongers + said that the canon found so many stones in his path that he stayed at + home not to be ill with the stone, and the fear of worse was the cause + of his seclusion. +</p> +<p> + Of all these sayings and rumours, it remains that the old canon, devil + or not, kept his house, and refused to die, and had three heirs with + whom he lived as with his sciaticas, lumbagos, and other appendage of + human life. Of the said three heirs, one was the wickedest soldier + ever born of a woman, and he must have considerably hurt her in + breaking his egg, since he was born with teeth and bristles. So that + he ate, two-fold, for the present and the future, keeping wenches + whose cost he paid; inheriting from his uncle the continuance, + strength, and good use of that which is often of service. In great + battles, he endeavoured always to give blows without receiving them, + which is, and always will be, the only problem to solve in war, but he + never spared himself there, and, in fact, as he had no other virtue + except his bravery, he was captain of a company of lancers, and much + esteemed by the Duke of Burgoyne, who never troubled what his soldiers + did elsewhere. This nephew of the devil was named Captain Cochegrue; + and his creditors, the blockheads, citizens, and others, whose pockets + he slit, called him the Mau-cinge, since he was as mischievous as + strong; but he had moreover his back spoilt by the natural infirmity + of a hump, and it would have been unwise to attempt to mount thereon + to get a good view, for he would incontestably have run you through. +</p> +<p> + The second had studied the laws, and through the favour of his uncle + had become a procureur, and practised at the palace, where he did the + business of the ladies, whom formerly the canon had the best + confessed. This one was called Pille-grue, to banter him upon his real + name, which was Cochegrue, like that of his brother the captain. + Pille-grue had a lean body, seemed to throw off very cold water, was + pale of face, and possessed a physiognomy like a polecat. +</p> +<p> + This notwithstanding, he was worth many a penny more than the captain, + and had for his uncle a little affection, but since about two years + his heart had cracked a little, and drop by drop his gratitude had run + out, in such a way that from time to time, when the air was damp, he + liked to put his feet into his uncle's hose, and press in advance the + juice of this good inheritance. He and his brother, the soldier found + their share very small, since loyally, in law, in fact, in justice, in + nature, and in reality, it was necessary to give the third part of + everything to a poor cousin, son of another sister of the canon, the + which heir, but little loved by the good man, remained in the country, + where he was a shepherd, near Nanterre. +</p> +<p> + The guardian of beasts, an ordinary peasant, came to town by the + advice of his two cousins, who placed him in their uncle's house, in + the hope that, as much by his silly tricks and his clumsiness, his + want of brain, and his ignorance, he would be displeasing to the + canon, who would kick him out of his will. Now this poor Chiquon, as + the shepherd was named, had lived about a month alone with his old + uncle, and finding more profit or more amusement in minding an abbot + than looking after sheep, made himself the canon's dog, his servant, + the staff of his old age, saying, "God keep you," when he passed wind, + "God save you," when he sneezed, and "God guard you," when he belched; + going to see if it rained, where the cat was, remaining silent, + listening, speaking, receiving the coughs of the old man in his face, + admiring him as the finest canon there ever was in the world, all + heartily and in good faith, knowing that he was licking him after the + manner of animals who clean their young ones; and the uncle, who stood + in no need of learning which side the bread was buttered, repulsed + poor Chiquon, making him turn about like a die, always calling him + Chiquon, and always saying to his other nephews that this Chiquon was + helping to kill him, such a numskull was he. Thereupon, hearing this, + Chiquon determined to do well by his uncle, and puzzled his + understanding to appear better; but as he had a behind shaped like a + pair of pumpkins, was broad shouldered, large limbed, and far from + sharp, he more resembled old Silenus than a gentle Zephyr. In fact, + the poor shepherd, a simple man, could not reform himself, so he + remained big and fat, awaiting his inheritance to make himself thin. +</p> +<p> + One evening the canon began discoursing concerning the devil and + the grave agonies, penances, tortures, etc., which God will get warm + for the accursed, and the good Chiquon hearing it, began to open his + eyes as wide as the door of an oven, at the statement, without + believing a word of it. +</p> +<p> + "What," said the canon, "are you not a Christian?" +</p> +<p> + "In that, yes," answered Chiquon. +</p> +<p> + "Well, there is a paradise for the good; is it not necessary to have a + hell for the wicked?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, Mr. Canon; but the devil's of no use. If you had here a wicked + man who turned everything upside down; would you not kick him out of + doors?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, well, mine uncle; God would be very stupid to leave in the this + world, which he has so curiously constructed, an abominable devil + whose special business it is to spoil everything for him. Pish! I + recognise no devil if there be a good God; you may depend upon that. I + should very much like to see the devil. Ha, ha! I am not afraid of his + claws!" +</p> +<p> + "And if I were of your opinion I should have no care of my very + youthful years in which I held confessions at least ten times a day." +</p> +<p> + "Confess again, Mr. Canon. I assure you that will be a precious merit + on high." +</p> +<p> + "There, there! Do you mean it?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, Mr. Canon." +</p> +<p> + "Thou dost not tremble, Chiquon, to deny the devil?" +</p> +<p> + "I trouble no more about it than a sheaf of corn." +</p> +<p> + "The doctrine will bring misfortune upon you." +</p> +<p> + "By no means. God will defend me from the devil because I believe him + more learned and less stupid than the savans make him out." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the two other nephews entered, and perceiving from the voice + of the canon that he did not dislike Chiquon very much, and that the + jeremiads which he had made concerning him were simple tricks to + disguise the affection which he bore him, looked at each other in + great astonishment. +</p> +<p> + Then, seeing their uncle laughing, they said to him— +</p> +<p> + "If you will make a will, to whom will you leave the house? +</p> +<p> + "To Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "And the quit rent of the Rue St. Denys?" +</p> +<p> + "To Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "And the fief of Ville Parisis?" +</p> +<p> + "To Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "But," said the captain, with his big voice, "everything then will be + Chiquon's." +</p> +<p> + "No," replied the canon, smiling, "because I shall have made my will + in proper form, the inheritance will be to the sharpest of you three; + I am so near to the future, that I can therein see clearly your + destinies." +</p> +<p> + And the wily canon cast upon Chiquon a glance full of malice, like a + decoy bird would have thrown upon a little one to draw him into her + net. The fire of his flaming eye enlightened the shepherd, who from + that moment had his understanding and his ears all unfogged, and his + brain open, like that of a maiden the day after her marriage. The + procureur and the captain, taking these sayings for gospel prophecies, + made their bow and went out from the house, quite perplexed at the + absurd designs of the canon. +</p> +<p> + "What do you think of Chiquon?" said Pille-grue to Mau-cinge. +</p> +<p> + "I think, I think," said the soldier, growling, "that I think of + hiding myself in the Rue d'Hierusalem, to put his head below his feet; + he can pick it up again if he likes." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh!" said the procureur, "you have a way of wounding that is + easily recognised, and people would say 'It's Cochegrue.' As for me, I + thought to invite him to dinner, after which, we would play at putting + ourselves in a sack in order to see, as they do at Court, who could + walk best thus attired. Then having sewn him up, we could throw him + into the Seine, at the same time begging him to swim." +</p> +<p> + "This must be well matured," replied the soldier. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! it's quite ripe," said the advocate. "The cousin gone to the + devil, the heritage would then be between us two." +</p> +<p> + "I'm quite agreeable," said the fighter, "but we must stick as close + together as the two legs of the same body, for if you are fine as + silk, I as strong as steel, and daggers are always as good as traps + —you hear that, my good brother." +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said the advocate, "the cause is heard—now shall it be the + thread or the iron?" +</p> +<p> + "Eh? ventre de Dieu! is it then a king that we are going to settle? + For a simple numskull of a shepherd are so many words necessary? Come! + 20,000 francs out of the Heritage to the one of us who shall first cut + him off: I'll say to him in good faith, 'Pick up your head.'" +</p> +<p> + "And I, 'Swim my friend,'" cried the advocate, laughing like the gap + of a pourpoint. +</p> +<p> + And then they went to supper, the captain to his wench, and the + advocate to the house of a jeweller's wife, of whom he was the lover. +</p> +<p> + Who was astonished? Chiquon! The poor shepherd heard the planning of + his death, although the two cousins had walked in the parvis, and + talked to each other as every one speaks at church when praying to + God. So that Chiquon was much coupled to know if the words had come up + or if his ears had gone down. +</p> +<p> + "Do you hear, Mister Canon?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said he, "I hear the wood crackling in the fire." +</p> +<p> + "Ho, ho!" replied Chiquon, "if I don't believe in the devil, I believe + in St. Michael, my guardian angel; I go there where he calls me." +</p> +<p> + "Go, my child," said the canon, "and take care not to wet yourself, + nor to get your head knocked off, for I think I hear more rain, and + the beggars in the street are not always the most dangerous beggars." +</p> +<p> + At these words Chiquon was much astonished, and stared at the canon; + found his manner gay, his eye sharp, and his feet crooked; but as he + had to arrange matters concerning the death which menaced him, he + thought to himself that he would always have leisure to admire the + canon, or to cut his nails, and he trotted off quickly through the + town, as a little woman trots towards her pleasure. +</p> +<p> + His two cousins having no presumption of the divinatory science, of + which shepherds have had many passing attacks, had often talked before + him of their secret goings on, counting him as nothing. +</p> +<p> + Now one evening, to amuse the canon, Pille-grue had recounted to him + how had fallen in love with him a wife of a jeweller on whose head he + had adjusted certain carved, burnished, sculptured, historical horns, + fit for the brow of a prince. The good lady was to hear him, a right + merry wench, quick at opportunities, giving an embrace while her + husband was mounting the stairs, devouring the commodity as if she was + swallowing a a strawberry, only thinking of love-making, always + trifling and frisky, gay as an honest woman who lacks nothing, + contenting her husband, who cherished her so much as he loved his own + gullet; subtle as a perfume, so much so, that for five years she + managed so well with his household affairs, and her own love affairs, + that she had the reputation of a prudent woman, the confidence of her + husband, the keys of the house, the purse, and all. +</p> +<p> + "And when do you play upon this gentle flute?" said the canon. +</p> +<p> + "Every evening and sometimes I stay all the night." +</p> +<p> + "But how?" said the canon, astonished. +</p> +<p> + "This is how. There is a room close to, a chest into which I get. When + the good husband returns from his friend the draper's, where he goes + to supper every evening, because often he helps the draper's wife in + her work, my mistress pleads a slight illness, lets him go to bed + alone, and comes to doctor her malady in the room where the chest is. + On the morrow, when my jeweller is at his forge, I depart, and as the + house has one exit on to the bridge, and another into the street, I + always come to the door when the husband is not, on the pretext of + speaking to him of his suits, which commence joyfully and heartily, + and I never let them come to an end. It is an income from cuckoldom, + seeing that in the minor expenses and loyal costs of the proceedings, + he spends as much as on the horses in his stable. He loves me well, as + all good cuckolds should love the man who aids them, to plant, + cultivate, water and dig the natural garden of Venus, and he does + nothing without me." +</p> +<p> + Now these practices came back again to the memory of the shepherd, who + was illuminated by the light issuing from his danger, and counselled + by the intelligence of those measures of self-preservation, of which + every animal possesses a sufficient dose to go to the end of his ball + of life. So Chiquon gained with hasty feet the Rue de la Calandre, + where the jeweller should be supping with his companion, and after + having knocked at the door, replied to question put to him through the + little grill, that he was a messenger on state secrets, and was + admitted to the draper's house. Now coming straight to the fact, he + made the happy jeweller get up from his table, led him to a corner, + and said to him: "If one of your neighbours had planted a horn on your + forehead and he was delivered to you, bound hand and foot, would you + throw him into the river?" +</p> +<p> + "Rather," said the jeweller, "but if you are mocking me I'll give you + a good drubbing." +</p> +<p> + "There, there!" replied Chiquon, "I am one of your friends and come to + warn you that as many times as you have conversed with the draper's + wife here, as often has your own wife been served the same way by the + advocate Pille-grue, and if you will come back to your forge, you will + find a good fire there. On your arrival, he who looks after your + you-know-what, to keep it in good order, gets into the big clothes + chest. Now make a pretence that I have bought the said chest of you, + and I will be upon the bridge with a cart, waiting your orders." +</p> +<p> + The said jeweller took his cloak and his hat, and parted company with + his crony without saying a word, and ran to his hole like a poisoned + rat. He arrives and knocks, the door is opened, he runs hastily up the + stairs, finds two covers laid, sees his wife coming out of the chamber + of love, and then says to her, "My dear, here are two covers laid." +</p> +<p> + "Well, my darling are we not two?" +</p> +<p> + "No," said he, "we are three." +</p> +<p> + "Is your friend coming?" said she, looking towards the stairs with + perfect innocence. +</p> +<p> + "No, I speak of the friend who is in the chest." +</p> +<p> + "What chest?" said she. "Are you in your sound senses? Where do you + see a chest? Is the usual to put friends in chests? Am I a woman to + keep chests full of friends? How long have friends been kept in + chests? Are you come home mad to mix up your friends with your chests? + I know no other friend then Master Cornille the draper, and no other + chest than the one with our clothes in." +</p> +<p> + "Oh!" said the jeweller, "my good woman, there is a bad young man, + who has come to warn me that you allow yourself to be embraced by our + advocate, and that he is in the chest." +</p> +<p> + "I!" said she, "I would not put up with his knavery, he does + everything the wrong way." +</p> +<p> + "There, there, my dear," replied the jeweller, "I know you to be a + good woman, and won't have a squabble with you about this paltry + chest. The giver of the warning is a box-maker, to whom I am about to + sell this cursed chest that I wish never again to see in my house, and + for this one he will sell me two pretty little ones, in which there + will not be space enough even for a child; thus the scandal and the + babble of those envious of your virtue will be extinguished for want + of nourishment." +</p> +<p> + "You give me great pleasure," said she; "I don't attach any value to + my chest, and by chance there is nothing in it. Our linen is at the + wash. It will be easy to have the mischievous chest taken away + tomorrow morning. Will you sup?" +</p> +<p> + "Not at all," said he, "I shall sup with a better appetite without the + chest." +</p> +<p> + "I see," said she, "that you won't easily get the chest out of your + head." +</p> +<p> + "Halloa, there!" said the jeweller to his smiths and apprentices; + "come down!" +</p> +<p> + In the twinkling of an eye his people were before him. Then he, their + master, having briefly ordered the handling of the said chest, this + piece of furniture dedicated to love was tumbled across the room, but + in passing the advocate, finding his feet in the air to the which he + was not accustomed, tumbled over a little. +</p> +<p> + "Go on," said the wife, "go on, it's the lid shaking." +</p> +<p> + "No, my dear, it's the bolt." +</p> +<p> + And without any other opposition the chest slid gently down the + stairs. +</p> +<p> + "Ho there, carrier!" said the jeweller, and Chiquon came whistling his + mules, and the good apprentices lifted the litigious chest into the + cart. +</p> +<p> + "Hi, hi!" said the advocate. +</p> +<p> + "Master, the chest is speaking," said an apprentice. +</p> +<p> + "In what language?" said the jeweller, giving him a good kick between + two features that luckily were not made of glass. The apprentice + tumbled over on to a stair in a way that induced him to discontinue + his studies in the language of chests. The shepherd, accompanied by + the good jeweller, carried all the baggage to the water-side without + listening to the high eloquence of the speaking wood, and having tied + several stones to it, the jeweller threw it into the Seine. +</p> +<p> + "Swim, my friend," cried the shepherd, in a voice sufficiently jeering + at the moment when the chest turned over, giving a pretty little + plunge like a duck. +</p> +<p> + Then Chiquon continued to proceed along the quay, as far as the + Rue-du-port, St. Laudry, near the cloisters of Notre Dame. There he + noticed a house, recognised the door, and knocked loudly. +</p> +<p> + "Open," said he, "open by order of the king." +</p> +<p> + Hearing this an old man who was no other than the famous Lombard, + Versoris, ran to the door. +</p> +<p> + "What is it?" said he. +</p> +<p> + "I am sent by the provost to warn you to keep good watch tonight," + replied Chiquon, "as for his own part he will keep his archers ready. + The hunchback who has robbed you has come back again. Keep under arms, + for he is quite capable of easing you of the rest." +</p> +<p> + Having said this, the good shepherd took to his heels and ran to the + Rue des Marmouzets, to the house where Captain Cochegrue was feasting + with La Pasquerette, the prettiest of town-girls, and the most + charming in perversity that ever was; according to all the gay ladies, + her glance was sharp and piercing as the stab of a dagger. Her + appearance was so tickling to the sight, that it would have put all + Paradise to rout. Besides which she was as bold as a woman who has no + other virtue than her insolence. Poor Chiquon was greatly embarrassed + while going to the quarter of the Marmouzets. He was greatly afraid + that he would be unable to find the house of La Pasquerette, or find + the two pigeons gone to roost, but a good angel arranged there + speedily to his satisfaction. This is how. On entering the Rue des + Marmouzets he saw several lights at the windows and night-capped heads + thrust out, and good wenches, gay girls, housewives, husbands, and + young ladies, all of them are just out of bed, looking at each other + as if a robber were being led to execution by torchlight. +</p> +<p> + "What's the matter?" said the shepherd to a citizen who in great haste + had rushed to the door with a chamber utensil in his hand. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! it's nothing," replied the good man. "We thought it was the + Armagnacs descending upon the town, but it's only Mau-cinge beating La + Pasquerette." +</p> +<p> + "Where?" asked the shepherd. +</p> +<p> + "Below there, at that fine house where the pillars have the mouths of + flying frogs delicately carved upon them. Do you hear the varlets and + the serving maids?" +</p> +<p> + And in fact there was nothing but cries of "Murder! Help! Come some + one!" and in the house blows raining down and the Mau-cinge said with + his gruff voice: +</p> +<p> + "Death to the wench! Ah, you sing out now, do you? Ah, you want your + money now, do you? Take that—" +</p> +<p> + And La Pasquerette was groaning, "Oh! oh! I die! Help! Help! Oh! oh!" + Then came the blow of a sword and the heavy fall of a light body of + the fair girl sounded, and was followed by a great silence, after + which the lights were put out, servants, waiting women, roysterers, + and others went in again, and the shepherd who had come opportunely + mounted the stairs in company with them, but on beholding in the room + above broken glasses, slit carpets, and the cloth on the floor with + the dishes, everyone remained at a distance. +</p> +<p> + The shepherd, bold as a man with but one end in view, opened the door + of the handsome chamber where slept La Pasquerette, and found her + quite exhausted, her hair dishevelled, and her neck twisted, lying + upon a bloody carpet, and Mau-cinge frightened, with his tone + considerably lower, and not knowing upon what note to sing the + remainder of his anthem. +</p> +<p> + "Come, my little Pasquerette, don't pretend to be dead. Come, let me + put you tidy. Ah! little minx, dead or alive, you look so pretty in + your blood I'm going to kiss you." Having said which the cunning + soldier took her and threw her upon the bed, but she fell there all of + a heap, and stiff as the body of a man that had been hanged. Seeing + which her companion found it was time for his hump to retire from the + game; however, the artful fellow before slinking away said, "Poor + Pasquerette, how could I murder so good of girl, and one I loved so + much? But, yes, I have killed her, the thing is clear, for in her life + never did her sweet breast hang down like that. Good God, one would + say it was a crown at the bottom of a wallet. Thereupon Pasquerette + opened her eyes and then bent her head slightly to look at her flesh, + which was white and firm, and she brought herself to life by a box on + the ears, administered to the captain. +</p> +<p> + "That will teach you to beware of the dead," said she, smiling. +</p> +<p> + "And why did he kill you, my cousin?" asked the shepherd. +</p> +<p> + "Why? Tomorrow the bailiffs seize everything that's here, and he who + has no more money than virtue, reproached me because I wished to be + agreeable to a handsome gentlemen, who would save me from the hands of + justice. +</p> +<p> + "Pasquerette, I'll break every bone in your skin." +</p> +<p> + "There, there!" said Chiquon, whom the Mau-cinge had just recognised, + "is that all? Oh, well, my good friend, I bring you a large sum." +</p> +<p> + "Where from?" asked the captain, astonished. +</p> +<p> + "Come here, and let me whisper in your ear—if 30,000 crowns were + walking about at night under the shadow of a pear-tree, would you not + stoop down to pluck them, to prevent them spoiling?" +</p> +<p> + "Chiquon, I'll kill you like a dog if you are making game of me, or I + will kiss you there where you like it, if you will put me opposite + 30,000 crowns, even when it shall be necessary to kill three citizens + at the corner of the Quay." +</p> +<p> + "You will not even kill one. This is how the matter stands. I have for + a sweetheart in all loyalty, the servant of the Lombard who is in the + city near the house of our good uncle. Now I have just learned on + sound information that this dear man has departed this morning into + the country after having hidden under a pear-tree in his garden a good + bushel of gold, believing himself to be seen only by the angels. But + the girl who had by chance a bad toothache, and was taking the air at + her garret window, spied the old crookshanks, without wishing to do + so, and chattered of it to me in fondness. If you will swear to give + me a good share I will lend you my shoulders in order that you may + climb on to the top of the wall and from there throw yourself into the + pear-tree, which is against the wall. There, now do you say that I am + a blockhead, an animal?" +</p> +<p> + "No, you are a right loyal cousin, an honest man, and if you have ever + to put an enemy out off the way, I am there, ready to kill even one of + my own friends for you. I am no longer your cousin, but your brother. + Ho there! sweetheart," cried Mau-cinge to La Pasquerette, "put the + tables straight, wipe up your blood, it belongs to me, and I'll pay + you for it by giving you a hundred times as much of mine as I have + taken of thine. Make the best of it, shake the black dog, off your + back, adjust your petticoats, laugh, I wish it, look to the stew, and + let us recommence our evening prayer where we left it off. Tomorrow + I'll make thee braver than a queen. This is my cousin whom I wish to + entertain, even when to do so it were necessary to turn the house out + of windows. We shall get back everything tomorrow in the cellars. + Come, fall to!" +</p> +<p> + Thus, and in less time than it takes a priest to say his Dominus + vobiscum, the whole rookery passed from tears to laughter as it had + previously from laughter to tears. It is only in these houses of + ill-fame that love is made with the blow of a dagger, and where + tempests of joy rage between four walls. But these are things ladies + of the high-neck dress do not understand. +</p> +<p> + The said captain Cochegrue was gay as a hundred schoolboys at the + breaking up of class, and made his good cousin drink deeply, who + spilled everything country fashion, and pretended to be drunk, + spluttering out a hundred stupidities, as, that "tomorrow he would buy + Paris, would lend a hundred thousand crowns to the king, that he would + be able to roll in gold;" in fact, talked so much nonsense that the + captain, fearing some compromising avowal and thinking his brain quite + muddled enough, led him outside with the good intention, instead of + sharing with him, of ripping Chiquon open to see if he had not a + sponge in his stomach, because he had just soaked in a big quart of + the good wine of Suresne. They went along, disputing about a thousand + theological subjects which got very much mixed up, and finished by + rolling quietly up against the garden where were the crowns of the + Lombard. Then Cochegrue, making a ladder of Chiquon's broad shoulders, + jumped on to the pear-tree like a man expert in attacks upon towns, + but Versoris, who was watching him, made a blow at his neck, and + repeated it so vigorously that with three blows fell the upper portion + of the said Cochegrue, but not until he had heard the clear voice of + the shepherd, who cried to him, "Pick up your head, my friend." + Thereupon the generous Chiquon, in whom virtue received its + recompense, thought it would be wise to return to the house of the + good canon, whose heritage was by the grace of God considerably + simplified. Thus he gained the Rue St. Pierre-Aux-Boeufs with all + speed, and soon slept like a new-born baby, no longer knowing the + meaning of the word "cousin-german." Now, on the morrow he rose + according to the habit of shepherds, with the sun, and came into his + uncle's room to inquire if he spat white, if he coughed, if he had + slept well; but the old servant told him that the canon, hearing the + bells of St Maurice, the first patron of Notre Dame, ring for matins, + he had gone out of reverence to the cathedral, where all the Chapter + were to breakfast with the Bishop of Paris; upon which Chiquon + replied: "Is his reverence the canon out of his senses thus to disport + himself, to catch a cold, to get rheumatism? Does he wish to die? I'll + light a big fire to warm him when he returns;" and the good shepherd + ran into the room where the canon generally sat, and to his great + astonishment beheld him seated in his chair. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah! What did she mean, that fool of a Bruyette? I knew you were + too well advised to be shivering at this hour in your stall." +</p> +<p> + The canon said not a word. The shepherd who was like all thinkers, a + man of hidden sense, was quite aware that sometimes old men have + strange crotchets, converse with the essence of occult things, and + mumble to themselves discourses concerning matters not under + consideration; so that, from reverence and great respect for the + secret meditations of the canon, he went and sat down at a distance, + and waited the termination of these dreams; noticing, silently the + length of the good man's nails, which looked like cobbler's awls, and + looking attentively at the feet of his uncle, he was astonished to see + the flesh of his legs so crimson, that it reddened his breeches and + seemed all on fire through his hose. +</p> +<p> + He is dead, thought Chiquon. At this moment the door of the room + opened, and he still saw the canon, who, his nose frozen, came back + from church. +</p> +<p> + "Ho, ho!" said Chiquon, "my dear Uncle, are you out of your senses? + Kindly take notice that you ought not to be at the door, because you + are already seated in your chair in the chimney corner, and that it is + impossible for there to be two canons like you in the world." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Chiquon, there was a time when I could have wished to be in two + places at once, but such is not the fate of a man, he would be too + happy. Are you getting dim-sighted? I am alone here." +</p> +<p> + Then Chiquon turned his head towards the chair, and found it empty; + and much astonished, as you will easily believe, he approached it, and + found on the seat a little pat of cinders, from which ascended a + strong odour of sulphur. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said he merrily, "I perceive that the devil has behaved well + towards me—I will pray God for him." +</p> +<p> + And thereupon he related naively to the canon how the devil had amused + himself by playing at providence, and had loyally aided him to get rid + of his wicked cousins, the which the canon admired much, and thought + very good, seeing that he had plenty of good sense left, and often had + observed things which were to the devil's advantage. So the good old + priest remarked that 'as much good was always met with in evil as evil + in good, and that therefore one should not trouble too much after the + other world, the which was a grave heresy, which many councils have + put right'. +</p> +<p> + And this was how the Chiquons became rich, and were able in these + times, by the fortunes of their ancestors, to help to build the bridge + of St. Michael, where the devil cuts a very good figure under the + angel, in memory of this adventure now consigned to these veracious + histories. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH +</h2> +<p> + King Louis The Eleventh was a merry fellow, loving a good joke, and + —the interests of his position as king, and those of the church on + one side—he lived jovially, giving chase to soiled doves as often as + to hares, and other royal game. Therefore, the sorry scribblers who + have made him out a hypocrite, showed plainly that they knew him not, + since he was a good friend, good at repartee, and a jollier fellow + than any of them. +</p> +<p> + It was he who said when he was in a merry mood, that four things are + excellent and opportune in life—to keep warm, to drink cool, to stand + up hard, and to swallow soft. Certain persons have accused him of + taking up with a dirty trollops; this is a notorious falsehood, since + all his mistresses, of whom one was legitimised, came of good houses + and had notable establishments. He did not go in for waste and + extravagance, always put his hand upon the solid, and because certain + devourers of the people found no crumbs at his table, they have all + maligned him. But the real collector of facts know that the said king + was a capital fellow in private life, and even very agreeable; and + before cutting off the heads of his friends, or punishing them—for he + did not spare them—it was necessary that they should have greatly + offended him, and his vengeance was always justice; I have only seen + in our friend Verville that this worthy sovereign ever made a mistake; + but one does not make a habit, and even for this his boon companion + Tristan was more to blame than he, the king. This is the circumstance + related by the said Verville, and I suspect he was cracking a joke. I + reproduce it because certain people are not familiar with the + exquisite work of my perfect compatriot. I abridge it and only give + the substance, the details being more ample, of which facts the savans + are not ignorant. +</p> +<p> + Louis XI. had given the Abbey of Turpenay (mentioned in 'Imperia') to + a gentleman who, enjoying the revenue, had called himself Monsieur de + Turpenay. It happened that the king being at Plessis-les-Tours, the + real abbot, who was a monk, came and presented himself before the + king, and presented also a petition, remonstrating with him that, + canonically and a monastically, he was entitled to the abbey and that + the usurping gentleman wronged of his right, and therefore he called + upon his majesty to have justice done to him. Nodding his peruke, the + king promised to render him contented. This monk, importunate as are + all hooded animals, came often at the end of the king's meals, who, + bored with the holy water of the convent, called friend Tristan and + said to him: "Old fellow, there is here a Turpenay who angers me, rid + the world of him for me." Tristan, taking a frock for a monk, or a + monk for a frock, came to this gentleman, whom all the court called + Monsieur de Turpenay, and having accosted him managed to lead him to + one side, and taking him by the button-hole gave him to understand + that the king desired he should die. He tried to resist, supplicating + and supplicating to escape, but in no way could he obtain a hearing. + He was delicately strangled between the head and shoulders, so that he + expired; and, three hours afterwards, Tristan told the king that he + was discharged. It happened five days afterwards, which is the space + in which souls come back again, that the monk came into the room where + the king was, and when he saw him he was much astonished. Tristan was + present: the king called him, and whispered into his ear— +</p> +<p> + "You have not done that which I told you to." +</p> +<p> + "Saving your Grace I have done it. Turpenay is dead." +</p> +<p> + "Eh? I meant this monk." +</p> +<p> + "I understood the gentleman!" +</p> +<p> + "What, is it done then?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, sire," +</p> +<p> + "Very well then"—turning towards the monk—"come here, monk." The + monk approached. The king said to him, "Kneel down!" The poor monk + began to shiver in his shoes. But the king said to him, "Thank God + that he has not willed that you should be killed as I had ordered. He + who took your estates has been instead. God has done you justice. Go + and pray God for me, and don't stir out of your convent." +</p> +<p> + The proves the good-heartedness of Louis XI. He might very well have + hanged the monk, the cause of the error. As for the said gentleman, he + died in the king's service. +</p> +<p> + In the early days of his sojourn at Plessis-les-Tours king Louis, not + wishing to hold his drinking-bouts and give vent to his rakish + propensities in his chateau, out of respect to her Majesty (a kingly + delicacy which his successors have not possessed) became enamoured of + a lady named Nicole Beaupertuys, who was, to tell the truth, wife of a + citizen of the town. The husband he sent into Ponent, and put the said + Nicole in a house near Chardonneret, in that part which is the Rue + Quincangrogne, because it was a lonely place, far from other + habitations. The husband and the wife were thus both in his service, + and he had by La Beaupertuys a daughter, who died a nun. This Nicole + had a tongue as sharp as a popinjay's, was of stately proportions, + furnished with large beautiful cushions of nature, firm to the touch, + white as the wings of an angel, and known for the rest to be fertile + in peripatetic ways, which brought it to pass that never with her was + the same thing encountered twice in love, so deeply had she studied + the sweet solutions of the science, the manners of accommodating the + olives of Poissy, the expansions of the nerves, and hidden doctrines + of the breviary, the which much delighted the king. She was as gay as + a lark, always laughing and singing, and never made anyone miserable, + which is the characteristic of women of this open and free nature, who + have always an occupation—an equivocal one if you like. The king + often went with the hail-fellows his friends to the lady's house, and + in order not to be seen always went at night-time, and without his + suite. But being always distrustful, and fearing some snare, he gave + to Nicole all the most savage dogs he had in his kennels, beggars that + would eat a man without saying "By your leave," the which royal dogs + knew only Nicole and the king. When the Sire came Nicole let them + loose in the garden, and the door of the house being sufficiently + barred and closely shut, the king put the keys in his pocket, and in + perfect security gave himself up, with his satellites, to every kind + of pleasure, fearing no betrayal, jumping about at will, playing + tricks, and getting up good games. Upon these occasions friend Tristan + watched the neighbourhood, and anyone who had taken a walk on the Mall + of Chardonneret would be rather quickly placed in a position in which + it would have been easy to give the passers-by a benediction with his + feet, unless he had the king's pass, since often would Louis send out + in search of lasses for his friends, or people to entertain him with + the amusements suggested by Nicole or the guests. People of Tours were + there for these little amusements, to whom he gently recommended + silence, so that no one knew of these pastimes until after his death. + The farce of "<i>Baisez mon cul</i>" was, it is said, invented by the said + Sire. I will relate it, although it is not the subject of this tale, + because it shows the natural comicality and humour of this merry + monarch. They were at Tours three well known misers: the first was + Master Cornelius, who is sufficiently well known; the second was + called Peccard, and sold the gilt-work, coloured papers, and jewels + used in churches; the third was hight Marchandeau, and was a very + wealthy vine-grower. These two men of Touraine were the founders of + good families, notwithstanding their sordidness. One evening that the + king was with Beaupertuys, in a good humour, having drunk heartily, + joked heartily, and offered early in the evening his prayer in + Madame's oratory, he said to Le Daim his crony, to the Cardinal, La + Balue, and to old Dunois, who were still soaking, "Let us have a good + laugh! I think it will be a good joke to see misers before a bag of + gold without being able to touch it. Hi, there!" +</p> +<p> + Hearing which, appeared one of his varlets. +</p> +<p> + "Go," said he, "seek my treasurer, and let him bring hither six + thousand gold crowns—and at once! And you will go and seize the + bodies of my friend Cornelius, of the jeweller of the Rue de Cygnes, + and of old Marchandeau, and bring them here, by order of the king." +</p> +<p> + Then he began to drink again, and to judiciously wrangle as to which + was the better, a woman with a gamy odour or a woman who soaped + herself well all over; a thin one or a stout one; and as the company + comprised the flower of wisdom it was decided that the best was the + one a man had all to himself like a plate of warm mussels, at that + precise moment when God sent him a good idea to communicate to her. + The cardinal asked which was the most precious thing to a lady; the + first or the last kiss? To which La Beaupertuys replied: "that it was + the last, seeing that she knew then what she was losing, while at the + first she did not know what she would gain." During these sayings, and + others which have most unfortunately been lost, came the six thousand + gold crowns, which were worth all three hundred thousand francs of + to-day, so much do we go on decreasing in value every day. The king + ordered the crowns to be arranged upon a table, and well lighted up, + so that they shone like the eyes of the company which lit up + involuntarily, and made them laugh in spite of themselves. They did + not wait long for the three misers, whom the varlet led in, pale and + panting, except Cornelius, who knew the king's strange freaks. +</p> +<p> + "Now then, my friends," said Louis to them, "have a good look at the + crowns on the table." +</p> +<p> + And the three townsmen nibbled at them with their eyes. You may reckon + that the diamond of La Beaupertuys sparkled less than their little + minnow eyes. +</p> +<p> + "These are yours," added the king. +</p> +<p> + Thereupon they ceased to admire the crowns to look at each other; and + the guests knew well that old knaves are more expert in grimaces than + any others, because of their physiognomies becoming tolerably curious, + like those of cats lapping up milk, or girls titillated with marriage. +</p> +<p> + "There," said the king, "all that shall be his who shall say three + times to the two others, '<i>Baisez mon cul</i>', thrusting his hand into the + gold; but if he be not as serious as a fly who had violated his + lady-love, if he smile while repeating the jest, he will pay ten crowns + to Madame. Nevertheless he can essay three times." +</p> +<p> + "That will soon be earned," said Cornelius, who, being a Dutchman, had + his lips as often compressed and serious as Madame's mouth was often + open and laughing. Then he bravely put his hands on the crowns to see + if they were good, and clutched them bravely, but as he looked at the + others to say civilly to them, "<i>Baisez mon cul</i>," the two misers, + distrustful of his Dutch gravity, replied, "Certainly, sir," as if he + had sneezed. The which caused all the company to laugh, and even + Cornelius himself. When the vine-grower went to take the crowns he + felt such a commotion in his cheeks that his old scummer face let + little laughs exude from its pores like smoke pouring out of a + chimney, and he could say nothing. Then it was the turn of the + jeweller, who was a little bit of a bantering fellow, and whose lips + were as tightly squeezed as the neck of a hanged man. He seized a + handful of the crowns, looked at the others, even the king, and said, + with a jeering air, "<i>Baisez mon cul</i>." +</p> +<p> + "Is it dirty?" asked the vine-dresser. +</p> +<p> + "Look and see," replied the jeweller, gravely. +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the king began to tremble for these crowns, since the said + Peccard began again, without laughing, and for the third time was + about to utter the sacramental word, when La Beaupertuys made a sign + of consent to his modest request, which caused him to lose his + countenance, and his mouth broke up into dimples. +</p> +<p> + "How did you do it?" asked Dunois, "to keep a grave face before six + thousand crowns?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my lord, I thought first of one of my cases which is tried + tomorrow, and secondly, of my wife who is a sorry plague." +</p> +<p> + The desire to gain this good round sum made them try again, and the + king amused himself for about an hour at the expression of these + faces, the preparations, jokes, grimaces, and other monkey's + paternosters that they performed; but they were bailing their boats + with a sieve, and for men who preferred closing their fists to opening + them it was a bitter sorrow to have to count out, each one, a hundred + crown to Madame. +</p> +<p> + When they were gone, and Nicole said boldly to the king, "Sire will + you let me try?" +</p> +<p> + "Holy Virgin!" replied Louis; "no! I can kiss you for less money." +</p> +<p> + That was said like a thrifty man, which indeed he always was. +</p> +<p> + One evening the fat Cardinal La Balue carried on gallantly with words + and actions, a little farther than the canons of the Church permitted + him, with this Beaupertuys, who luckily for herself, was a clever + hussy, not to be asked with impunity how many holes there were in her + mother's chemise. +</p> +<p> + "Look you here, Sir Cardinal!" said she; "the thing which the king + likes is not to receive the holy oils." +</p> +<p> + Then came Oliver le Daim, whom she would not listen to either, and to + whose nonsense she replied, that she would ask the king if he wished + her to be shaved. +</p> +<p> + Now as the said shaver did not supplicate her to keep his proposals + secret, she suspected that these little plots were ruses practised by + the king, whose suspicions had perhaps been aroused by her friends. + Now, for being able to revenge herself upon Louis, she at least + determined to pay out the said lords, to make fools of them, and amuse + the king with the tricks she would play upon them. One evening that + they had come to supper, she had a lady of the city with her, who + wished to speak with the king. This lady was a lady of position, who + wished asked the king pardon for her husband, the which, in + consequence of this adventure, she obtained. Nicole Beaupertuys having + led the king aside for a moment into an antechamber, told him to make + their guests drink hard and eat to repletion; that he was to make + merry and joke with them; but when the cloth was removed, he was to + pick quarrels with them about trifles, dispute their words, and be + sharp with them; and that she would then divert him by turning them + inside out before him. But above all things, he was to be friendly to + the said lady, and it was to appear as genuine, as if she enjoyed the + perfume of his favour, because she had gallantly lent herself to this + good joke. +</p> +<p> + "Well, gentlemen," said the king, re-entering the room, "let us fall + to; we have had a good day's sport." +</p> +<p> + And the surgeon, the cardinal, a fat bishop, the captain of the Scotch + Guard, a parliamentary envoy, and a judge loved of the king, followed + the two ladies into the room where one rubs the rust off one's jaw + bones. And there they lined the mold of their doublets. What is that? + It is to pave the stomach, to practice the chemistry of nature, to + register the various dishes, to regale your tripes, to dig your grave + with your teeth, play with the sword of Cain, to inter sauces, to + support a cuckold. But more philosophically it is to make ordure with + one's teeth. Now, do you understand? How many words does it require to + burst open the lid of your understanding? +</p> +<p> + The king did not fail to distill into his guests this splendid and + first-class supper. He stuffed them with green peas, returning to the + hotch-potch, praising the plums, commending the fish, saying to one, + "Why do you not eat?" to another, "Drink to Madame"; to all of them, + "Gentlemen, taste these lobsters; put this bottle to death! You do not + know the flavour of this forcemeat. And these lampreys—ah! what do + you say to them? And by the Lord! The finest barbel ever drawn from + the Loire! Just stick your teeth into this pastry. This game is my own + hunting; he who takes it not offends me." And again, "Drink, the + king's eyes are the other way. Just give your opinion of these + preserves, they are Madame's own. Have some of these grapes, they are + my own growing. Have some medlars." And while inducing them to swell + out their abdominal protuberances, the good monarch laughed with them, + and they joked and disputed, and spat, and blew their noses, and + kicked up just as though the king had not been with them. Then so much + victuals had been taken on board, so many flagons drained and stews + spoiled, that the faces of the guests were the colour of cardinals + gowns, and their doublets appeared ready to burst, since they were + crammed with meat like Troyes sausages from the top to the bottom of + their paunches. Going into the saloon again, they broke into a profuse + sweat, began to blow, and to curse their gluttony. The king sat + quietly apart; each of them was the more willing to be silent because + all their forces were required for the intestinal digestion of the + huge platefuls confined in their stomachs, which began to wabble and + rumble violently. One said to himself, "I was stupid to eat of that + sauce." Another scolded himself for having indulged in a plate of eels + cooked with capers. Another thought to himself, "Oh! oh! The forcemeat + is serving me out." The cardinal, who was the biggest bellied man of + the lot, snorted through his nostrils like a frightened horse. It was + he who was first compelled to give vent to a loud sounding belch, and + then he soon wished himself in Germany, where this is a form of + salutation, for the king hearing this gastric language looked at the + cardinal with knitted brows. +</p> +<p> + "What does this mean?" said he, "am I a simple clerk?" +</p> +<p> + This was heard with terror, because usually the king made much of a + good belch well off the stomach. The other guests determined to get + rid in another way of the vapours which were dodging about in their + pancreatic retorts; and at first they endeavoured to hold them for a + little while in the pleats of their mesenteries. It was then that some + of them puffed and swelled like tax-gatherers. Beaupertuys took the + good king aside and said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Know now that I have had made by the Church jeweller Peccard, two + large dolls, exactly resembling this lady and myself. Now when + hard-pressed by the drugs which I have put in their goblets, they + desire to mount the throne to which we are now about to pretend to go, + they will always find the place taken; by this means you will enjoy + their writhings." +</p> +<p> + Thus having said, La Beaupertuys disappeared with the lady to go and + turn the wheel, after the custom of women, and of which I will tell + you the origin in another place. And after an honest lapse of water, + Beaupertuys came back alone, leaving it to be believed that she had + left the lady at the little laboratory of natural alchemy. Thereupon + the king, singling out the cardinal, made him get up, and talked with + him seriously of his affairs, holding him by the tassel of his amice. + To all that the king said, La Balue replied, "Yes, sir," to be + delivered from this favour, and slip out of the room, since the water + was in his cellars, and he was about to lose the key of his back-door. + All the guests were in a state of not knowing how to arrest the + progress of the fecal matter to which nature has given, even more than + to water, the property of finding a certain level. Their substances + modified themselves and glided working downward, like those insects + who demand to be let out of their cocoons, raging, tormenting, and + ungrateful to the higher powers; for nothing is so ignorant, so + insolent as those cursed objects, and they are importunate like all + things detained to whom one owes liberty. So they slipped at every + turn like eels out of a net, and each one had need of great efforts + and science not to disgrace himself before the king. Louis took great + pleasure in interrogating his guests, and was much amused with the + vicissitudes of their physiognomies, on which were reflected the dirty + grimaces of their writhings. The counsellor of justice said to Oliver, + "I would give my office to be behind a hedge for half a dozen + seconds." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, there is no enjoyment to equal a good stool; and now I am no + longer astonished at sempiternal droppings of a fly," replied the + surgeon. +</p> +<p> + The cardinal believing that the lady had obtained her receipt from the + bank of deposit, left the tassels of his girdle in the king's hand, + making a start as if he had forgotten to say his prayers, and made his + way towards the door. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter with you, Monsieur le Cardinal?" said the king. +</p> +<p> + "By my halidame, what is the matter with me? It appears that all your + affairs are very extensive, sire!" +</p> +<p> + The cardinal had slipped out, leaving the others astonished at his + cunning. He proceeded gloriously towards the lower room, loosening a + little the strings of his purse; but when he opened the blessed little + door he found the lady at her functions upon the throne, like a pope + about to be consecrated. Then restraining his impatience, he descended + the stairs to go into the garden. However, on the last steps the + barking of the dogs put him in great fear of being bitten in one of + his precious hemispheres; and not knowing where to deliver himself of + his chemical produce he came back into the room, shivering like a man + who has been in the open air! The others seeing the cardinal return, + imagined that he had emptied his natural reservoirs, unburdened his + ecclesiastical bowels, and believed him happy. Then the surgeon rose + quickly, as if to take note of the tapestries and count the rafters, + but gained the door before anyone else, and relaxing his sphincter in + advance, he hummed a tune on his way to the retreat; arrived there he + was compelled, like La Balue, to murmur words of excuse to this + student of perpetual motion, shutting the door with as promptitude as + he opened it; and he came back burdened with an accumulation which + seriously impeded his private channels. And in the same way went to + guests one after the other, without being able to unburden themselves + of their sauces, as soon again found themselves all in the presence of + Louis the Eleventh, as much distressed as before, looking at each + other slyly, understanding each other better with their tails than + they ever understood with their mouths, for there is never any + equivoque in the transactions of the parts of nature, and everything + therein is rational and of easy comprehension, seeing that it is a + science which we learn at our birth. +</p> +<p> + "I believe," said the cardinal to the surgeon, "that lady will go on + until to-morrow. What was La Beaupertuys about to ask such a case of + diarrhoea here?" +</p> +<p> + "She's been an hour working at what I could get done in a minute. May + the fever seize her" cried Oliver le Daim. +</p> +<p> + All the courtiers seized with colic were walking up and down to make + their importunate matters patient, when the said lady reappeared in + the room. You can believe they found her beautiful and graceful, and + would willingly have kissed her, there where they so longed to go; and + never did they salute the day with more favour than this lady, the + liberator of the poor unfortunate bodies. La Balue rose; the others, + from honour, esteem, and reverence of the church, gave way to the + clergy, and, biding their time, they continued to make grimaces, at + which the king laughed to himself with Nicole, who aided him to stop + the respiration of these loose-bowelled gentlemen. The good Scotch + captain, who more than all the others had eaten of a dish in which the + cook had put an aperient powder, became the victim of misplaced + confidence. He went ashamed into a corner, hoping that before the + king, his mishap might escape detection. At this moment the cardinal + returned horribly upset, because he had found La Beaupertuys on the + episcopal seat. Now, in his torments, not knowing if she were in the + room, he came back and gave vent to a diabolical "Oh!" on beholding + her near his master. +</p> +<p> + "What do you mean?" exclaimed the king, looking at the priest in a way + to give him the fever. +</p> +<p> + "Sire," said La Balue, insolently, "the affairs of purgatory are in my + ministry, and I am bound to inform you that there is sorcery going on + in this house." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! little priest, you wish to make game of me!" said the king. +</p> +<p> + At these words the company were in a terrible state. +</p> +<p> + "So you treat me with disrespect?" said the king, which made them turn + pale. "Ho, there! Tristan, my friend!" cried Louis XI. from the + window, which he threw up suddenly, "come up here!" +</p> +<p> + The grand provost of the hotel was not long before he appeared; and as + these gentlemen were all nobodies, raised to their present position by + the favour of the king, Louis, in a moment of anger, could crush them + at will; so that with the exception of the cardinal who relied upon + his cassock, Tristan found them all rigid and aghast. +</p> +<p> + "Conduct these gentleman to the Pretorium, on the Mall, my friend, + they have disgraced themselves through over-eating." +</p> +<p> + "Am I not good at jokes?" said Nicole to him. +</p> +<p> + "The farce is good, but it is fetid," replied he, laughing. +</p> +<p> + This royal answer showed the courtiers that this time the king did not + intend to play with their heads, for which they thanked heaven. The + monarch was partial to these dirty tricks. He was not at all a bad + fellow, as the guests remarked while relieving themselves against the + side of the Mall with Tristan, who, like a good Frenchman, kept them + company, and escorted them to their homes. This is why since that time + the citizens of Tours had never failed to defile the Mall of + Chardonneret, because the gentlemen of the court had been there. +</p> +<p> + I will not leave this great king without committing to writing this + good joke which he played upon La Godegrand, who was an old maid, much + disgusted that she had not, during the forty years she had lived, been + able to find a lid to her saucepan, enraged, in her yellow skin, that + she still was as virgin as a mule. This old maid had her apartments on + the other side of the house which belonged to La Beaupertuys, at the + corner of the Rue de Hierusalem, in such a position that, standing on + the balcony joining the wall, it was easy to see what she was doing, + and hear what she was saying in the lower room where she lived; and + often the king derived much amusement from the antics of the old girl, + who did not know that she was so much within the range of his + majesty's culverin. Now one market day it happened that the king had + caused to be hanged a young citizen of Tours, who had violated a noble + lady of a certain age, believing that she was a young maiden. There + would have been no harm in this, and it would have been a thing + greatly to the credit of the said lady to have been taken for a + virgin; but on finding out his mistake, he had abominably insulted + her, and suspecting her of trickery, had taken it into his head to rob + her of a splendid silver goblet, in payment of the present he had just + made her. This young man had long hair, and was so handsome that the + whole town wished to see him hanged, both from regret and out of + curiosity. You may be sure that at this hanging there were more caps + than hats. Indeed, the said young man swung very well; and after the + fashion and custom of persons hanged, he died gallantly with his lance + couched, which fact made a great noise in the town. Many ladies said + on this subject that it was a murder not to have preserved so fine a + fellow from the scaffold. +</p> +<p> + "Suppose we were to put this handsome corpse in the bed of La + Godegrand," said La Beaupertuys to the king. +</p> +<p> + "We should terrify her," replied Louis. +</p> +<p> + "Not at all, sire. Be sure that she will welcome even a dead man, so + madly does she long for a living one. Yesterday I saw her making love + to a young man's cap placed on the top of a chair, and you would have + laughed heartily at her words and gestures." +</p> +<p> + Now while this forty-year-old virgin was at vespers, the king sent to + have this young townsman, who had just finished the last scene of his + tragic farce, taken down, and having dressed him in a white shirt, two + officers got over the walls of La Godegrand's garden, and put the + corpse into her bed, on the side nearest the street. Having done this + they went away, and the king remained in the room with the balcony to + it, playing with Beaupertuys, and awaiting an hour at which the old + maid should go to bed. La Godegrand soon came back with a hop, skip, + and jump, as the Tourainians say, from the church of St Martin, from + which she was not far, since the Rue de Hierusalem touches the walls + of the cloister. She entered her house, laid down her prayer-book, + chaplet, and rosary, and other ammunition which these old girls carry, + then poked the fire, and blew it, warmed herself at it, settled + herself in her chair, and played with her cat for want of something + better; then she went to the larder, supping and sighing, and sighing + and supping, eating alone, with her eyes cast down upon the carpet; + and after having drunk, behaved in a manner forbidden in court + society. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" the corpse said to her, "'<i>God bless you</i>!'" +</p> +<p> + At this joke of luck of La Beaupertuys, both laughed heartily in their + sleeves. And with great attention this very Christian king watched the + undressing of the old maid, who admired herself while removing her + things—pulling out a hair, or scratching a pimple which had + maliciously come upon her nose; picking her teeth, and doing a + thousand little things which, alas! all ladies, virgins or not, are + obliged to do, much to their annoyance; but without these little + faults of nature, they would be too proud, and one would not be able + to enjoy their society. Having achieved her aquatic and musical + discourse, the old maid got in between the sheets, and yelled forth a + fine, great, ample, and curious cry, when she saw, when she smelt the + fresh vigour of this hanged man and the sweet perfume of his manly + youth; then sprang away from him out of coquetry. But as she did not + know he was really dead, she came back again, believing he was mocking + her, and counterfeiting death. +</p> +<p> + "Go away, you bad young man!" said she. +</p> +<p> + But you can imagine that she proffered this requests in a most humble + and gracious tone of voice. Then seeing that he did not move, she + examined him more closely, and was much astonished at this so fine + human nature when she recognised the young fellow, upon whom the fancy + took her to perform some purely scientific experiments in the + interests of hanged persons. +</p> +<p> + "What is she doing?" said La Beaupertuys to the king. +</p> +<p> + "She is trying to reanimate him. It is a work of Christian humanity." +</p> +<p> + And the old girl rubbed and warmed this fine young man, supplicating + holy Mary the Egyptian to aid her to renew the life of this husband + who had fallen so amorously from heaven, when, suddenly looking at the + dead body she was so charitably rubbing, she thought she saw a slight + movement in the eyes; then she put her hand upon the man's heart, and + felt it beat feebly. At length, from the warmth of the bed and of + affection, and by the temperature of old maids, which is by far more + burning then the warm blasts of African deserts, she had the delight + of bringing to life that fine handsome young fellow who by lucky + chance had been very badly hanged. +</p> +<p> + "See how my executioners serve me!" said Louis, laughing. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said La Beaupertuys, "you will not have him hanged again? he is + too handsome." +</p> +<p> + "The decree does not say that he shall be hanged twice, but he shall + marry the old woman." +</p> +<p> + Indeed, the good lady went in a great hurry to seek a master leech, a + good bleeder, who lived in the Abbey, and brought him back directly. + He immediately took his lancet, and bled the young man. And as no + blood came out: "Ah!" said he, "it is too late, the transshipment of + blood in the lungs has taken place." +</p> +<p> + But suddenly this good young blood oozed out a little, and then came + out in abundance, and the hempen apoplexy, which had only just begun, + was arrested in its course. The young man moved and came more to life; + then he fell, from natural causes, into a state of great weakness and + profound sadness, prostration of flesh and general flabbiness. Now the + old maid, who was all eyes, and followed the great and notable changes + which were taking place in the person of this badly hanged man, pulled + the surgeon by the sleeve, and pointing out to him, by a curious + glance of the eye, the piteous cause, said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Will he for the future be always like that?" +</p> +<p> + "Often," replied the veracious surgeon. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! he was much nicer hanged!" +</p> +<p> + At this speech the king burst out laughing. Seeing him at the window, + the woman and the surgeon were much frightened, for this laugh seemed + to them a second sentence of death for their poor victim. But the king + kept his word, and married them. And in order to do justice he gave + the husband the name of the Sieur de Mortsauf in the place of the one + he had lost upon the scaffold. As La Godegrand had a very big basket + of crowns, they founded a good family in Touraine, which still exists + and is much respected, since M. de Mortsauf faithfully served Louis + the Eleventh on different occasions. Only he never liked to come + across gibbets or old women, and never again made amorous assignations + in the night. +</p> +<p> + This teaches us to thoroughly verify and recognise women, and not to + deceive ourselves in the local difference which exists between the old + and the young, for if we are not hanged for our errors of love, there + are always great risks to run. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE +</h2> +<p> + The high constable of Armagnac espoused from the desire of a great + fortune, the Countess Bonne, who was already considerably enamoured of + little Savoisy, son of the chamberlain to his majesty King Charles the + Sixth. +</p> +<p> + The constable was a rough warrior, miserable in appearance, tough in + skin, thickly bearded, always uttering angry words, always busy + hanging people, always in the sweat of battles, or thinking of other + stratagems than those of love. Thus the good soldier, caring little to + flavour the marriage stew, used his charming wife after the fashion of + a man with more lofty ideas; of the which the ladies have a great + horror, since they like not the joists of the bed to be the sole + judges of their fondling and vigorous conduct. +</p> +<p> + Now the lovely Countess, as soon as she was grafted on the constable, + only nibbled more eagerly at the love with which her heart was laden + for the aforesaid Savoisy, which that gentleman clearly perceived. +</p> +<p> + Wishing both to study the same music, they would soon harmonise their + fancies, and decipher the hieroglyphic; and this was a thing clearly + demonstrated to the Queen Isabella, that Savoisy's horses were oftener + stabled at the house of her cousin of Armagnac than in the Hotel St. + Pol, where the chamberlain lived, since the destruction of his + residence, ordered by the university, as everyone knows. +</p> +<p> + This discreet and wise princess, fearing in advance some unfortunate + adventure for Bonne—the more so as the constable was as ready to + brandish his broadsword as a priest to bestow benedictions—the said + queen, as sharp as a dirk, said one day, while coming out from + vespers, to her cousin, who was taking the holy water with Savoisy— +</p> +<p> + "My dear, don't you see some blood in that water?" +</p> +<p> + "Bah!" said Savoisy to the queen. "Love likes blood, Madame." +</p> +<p> + This the Queen considered a good reply, and put it into writing, and + later on, into action, when her lord the king wounded one of her + lovers, whose business you see settled in this narrative. +</p> +<p> + You know by constant experience, that in the early time of love each + of two lovers is always in great fear of exposing the mystery of the + heart, and as much from the flower of prudence as from the amusement + yielded by the sweet tricks of gallantry they play at who can best + conceal their thoughts, but one day of forgetfulness suffices to inter + the whole virtuous past. The poor woman is taken in her joy as in a + lasso; her sweetheart proclaims his presence, or sometimes his + departure, by some article of clothing—a scarf, a spur, left by some + fatal chance, and there comes a stroke of the dagger that severs the + web so gallantly woven by their golden delights. But when one is full + of days, he should not make a wry face at death, and the sword of a + husband is a pleasant death for a gallant, if there be pleasant + deaths. So may be will finish the merry amours of the constable's + wife. +</p> +<p> + One morning Monsieur d'Armagnac having lots of leisure time in + consequence of the flight of the Duke of Burgundy, who was quitting + Lagny, thought he would go and wish his lady good day, and attempted + to wake her up in a pleasant enough fashion, so that she should not be + angry; but she sunk in the heavy slumbers of the morning, replied to + the action— +</p> +<p> + "Leave me alone, Charles!" +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh," said the constable, hearing the name of a saint who was not + one of his patrons, "I have a Charles on my head!" +</p> +<p> + Then, without touching his wife, he jumped out of the bed, and ran + upstairs with his face flaming and his sword drawn, to the place where + slept the countess's maid-servant, convinced that the said servant had + a finger in the pie. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah, wench of hell!" cried he, to commence the discharge of his + passion, "say thy prayers, for I intend to kill thee instantly, + because of the secret practices of Charles who comes here." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Monseigneur," replied the woman, "who told you that?" +</p> +<p> + "Stand steady, that I may rip thee at one blow if you do not confess + to me every assignation given, and in what manner they have been + arranged. If thy tongue gets entangled, if thou falterest, I will + pierce thee with my dagger!" +</p> +<p> + "Pierce me through!" replied the girl; "you will learn nothing." +</p> +<p> + The constable, having taken this excellent reply amiss, ran her + through on the spot, so mad was he with rage; and came back into his + wife's chamber and said to his groom, whom, awakened by the shrieks of + the girl, he met upon the stairs, "Go upstairs; I've corrected + Billette rather severely." +</p> +<p> + Before he reappeared in the presence of Bonne he went to fetch his + son, who was sleeping like a child, and led him roughly into her room. + The mother opened her eyes pretty widely, you may imagine—at the + cries of her little one; and was greatly terrified at seeing him in + the hands of her husband, who had his right hand all bloody, and cast + a fierce glance on the mother and son. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," asked the man of quick execution, "this child, is he the + fruit of my loins, or those of Savoisy, your lover?" +</p> +<p> + At this question Bonne turned pale, and sprang upon her son like a + frightened frog leaping into the water. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, he is really ours," said she. +</p> +<p> + "If you do not wish to see his head roll at your feet confess yourself + to me, and no prevarication. You have given me a lieutenant." +</p> +<p> + "Indeed!" +</p> +<p> + "Who is he?" +</p> +<p> + "It is not Savoisy, and I will never say the name of a man that I + don't know." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the constable rose, took his wife by the arm to cut her + speech with a blow of the sword, but she, casting upon him an imperial + glance, cried— +</p> +<p> + "Kill me if you will, but touch me not." +</p> +<p> + "You shall live," replied the husband, "because I reserve you for a + chastisement more ample then death." +</p> +<p> + And doubting the inventions, snares, arguments, and artifices familiar + to women in these desperate situations, of which they study night and + day the variations, by themselves, or between themselves, he departed + with this rude and bitter speech. He went instantly to interrogate his + servants, presenting to them a face divinely terrible; so all of them + replied to him as they would to God the Father on the Judgment Day, + when each of us will be called to his account. +</p> +<p> + None of them knew the serious mischief which was at the bottom of + these summary interrogations and crafty interlocutions; but from all + that they said, the constable came to the conclusion that no male in + his house was in the business, except one of his dogs, whom he found + dumb, and to whom he had given the post of watching the gardens; so + taking him in his hands, he strangled him with rage. This fact incited + him by induction to suppose that the other constable came into his + house by the garden, of which the only entrance was a postern opening + on to the water side. +</p> +<p> + It is necessary to explain to those who are ignorant of it, the + locality of the Hotel d'Armagnac, which had a notable situation near + to the royal houses of St. Pol. On this site has since been built the + hotel of Longueville. Then as at the present time, the residence of + d'Armagnac had a porch of fine stone in Rue St. Antoine, was fortified + at all points, and the high walls by the river side, in face of the + Ile du Vaches, in the part where now stands the port of La Greve, were + furnished with little towers. The design of these has for a long time + been shown at the house of Cardinal Duprat, the king's Chancellor. The + constable ransacked his brains, and at the bottom, from his finest + stratagems, drew the best, and fitted it so well to the present case, + that the gallant would be certain to be taken like a hare in the trap. + "'Sdeath," said he, "my planter of horns is taken, and I have the time + now to think how I shall finish him off." +</p> +<p> + Now this is the order of battle which this grand hairy captain who + waged such glorious war against Duke Jean-sans-Peur commanded for the + assault of his secret enemy. He took a goodly number of his most loyal + and adroit archers, and placed them on the quay tower, ordering them + under the heaviest penalties to draw without distinction of persons, + except his wife, on those of his household who should attempt to leave + the gardens, and to admit therein, either by night or by day, the + favoured gentleman. The same was done on the porch side, in the Rue St + Antoine. +</p> +<p> + The retainers, even the chaplain, were ordered not to leave the house + under pain of death. Then the guard of the two sides of the hotel + having been committed to the soldiers of a company of ordnance, who + were ordered to keep a sharp lookout in the side streets, it was + certain that the unknown lover to whom the constable was indebted for + his pair of horns, would be taken warm, when, knowing nothing, he + should come at the accustomed hour of love to insolently plant his + standard in the heart of the legitimate appurtenances of the said lord + count. +</p> +<p> + It was a trap into which the most expert man would fall unless he was + seriously protected by the fates, as was the good St. Peter by the + Saviour when he prevented him going to the bottom of the sea the day + when they had a fancy to try if the sea were as solid as terra firma. +</p> +<p> + The constable had business with the inhabitants of Poissy, and was + obliged to be in the saddle after dinner, so that, knowing his + intention, the poor Countess Bonne determined at night to invite her + young gallant to that charming duel in which she was always the + stronger. +</p> +<p> + While the constable was making round his hotel a girdle of spies and + of death, and hiding his people near the postern to seize the gallant + as he came out, not knowing where he would spring from, his wife was + not amusing herself by threading peas nor seeking black cows in the + embers. First, the maid-servant who had been stuck, unstuck herself + and dragged herself to her mistress; she told her that her outraged + lord knew nothing, and that before giving up the ghost she would + comfort her dear mistress by assuring her that she could have perfect + confidence in her sister, who was laundress in the hotel, and was + willing to let herself be chopped up as small as sausage-meat to + please Madame. That she was the most adroit and roguish woman in the + neighbourhood, and renowned from the council chamber to the Trahoir + cross among the common people, and fertile in invention for the + desperate cases of love. +</p> +<p> + Then, while weeping for the decease of her good chamber woman, the + countess sent for the laundress, made her leave her tubs and join her + in rummaging the bag of good tricks, wishing to save Savoisy, even at + the price of her future salvation. +</p> +<p> + First of all the two women determined to let him know their lord and + master's suspicion, and beg him to be careful. +</p> +<p> + Now behold the good washerwoman who, carrying her tub like a mule, + attempts to leave the hotel. But at the porch she found a man-at-arms + who turned a deaf ear to all the blandishments of the wash-tub. Then + she resolved, from her great devotion, to take the soldier on his weak + side, and she tickled him so with her fondling that he romped very + well with her, although he was armour-plated ready for battle; but + when the game was over he still refused to let her go into the street + and although she tried to get herself a passport sealed by some of the + handsomest, believing them more gallant: neither the archers, + men-at-arms, nor others, dared open for her the smallest entrance of + the house. "You are wicked and ungrateful wretches," said she, "not to + render me a like service." +</p> +<p> + Luckily at this employment she learned everything, and came back in + great haste to her mistress, to whom she recounted the strange + machinations of the count. The two women held a fresh council and had + not considered, the time it takes to sing <i>Alleluia</i>, twice, these + warlike appearances, watches, defences, and equivocal, specious, and + diabolical orders and dispositions before they recognised by the sixth + sense with which all females are furnished, the special danger which + threatened the poor lover. +</p> +<p> + Madame having learned that she alone had leave to quit the house, + ventured quickly to profit by her right, but she did not go the length + of a bow-shot, since the constable had ordered four of his pages to be + always on duty ready to accompany the countess, and two of the ensigns + of his company not to leave her. Then the poor lady returned to her + chamber, weeping as much as all the Magdalens one sees in the church + pictures, could weep together. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said she, "my lover must then be killed, and I shall never see + him again! . . . he whose words were so sweet, whose manners were so + graceful, that lovely head that had so often rested on my knees, will + now be bruised . . . What! Can I not throw to my husband an empty and + valueless head in place of the one full of charms and worth . . . a + rank head for a sweet-smelling one; a hated head for a head of love." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Madame!" cried the washerwoman, "suppose we dress up in the + garments of a nobleman, the steward's son who is mad for me, and + wearies me much, and having thus accoutered him, we push him out + through the postern." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the two women looked at each other with assassinating eyes. +</p> +<p> + "This marplot," said she, "once slain, all those soldiers will fly + away like geese." +</p> +<p> + "Yes, but will not the count recognise the wretch?" +</p> +<p> + And the countess, striking her breast, exclaimed, shaking her head, + "No, no, my dear, here it is noble blood that must be spilt without + stint." +</p> +<p> + Then she thought a little, and jumping with joy, suddenly kissed the + laundress, saying, "Because I have saved my lover's life by your + counsel, I will pay you for his life until death." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the countess dried her tears, put on the face of a bride, + took her little bag and a prayer-book, and went towards the Church of + St. Pol whose bells she heard ringing, seeing that the last Mass was + about to be said. In this sweet devotion the countess never failed, + being a showy woman, like all the ladies of the court. Now this was + called the full-dress Mass, because none but fops, fashionables, young + gentlemen and ladies puffed out and highly scented, were to be met + there. In fact no dresses was seen there without armorial bearings, + and no spurs that were not gilt. +</p> +<p> + So the Countess of Bonne departed, leaving at the hotel the laundress + much astonished, and charged to keep her eyes about her, and came with + great pomp to the church, accompanied by her pages, the two ensigns + and men-at-arms. It is here necessary to say that among the band of + gallant knights who frisked round the ladies in church, the countess + had more than one whose joy she was, and who had given his heart to + her, after the fashion of youths who put down enough and to spare upon + their tablets, only in order to make a conquest of at least one out of + a great number. +</p> +<p> + Among these birds of fine prey who with open beaks looked oftener + between the benches and the paternosters than towards the altar and + the priests, there was one upon whom the countess sometimes bestowed + the charity of a glance, because he was less trifling and more deeply + smitten than all the others. +</p> +<p> + This one remained bashful, always stuck against the same pillar, never + moving from it, but readily ravished with the sight alone of this lady + whom he had chosen as his. His pale face was softly melancholy. His + physiognomy gave proof of fine heart, one of those which nourish + ardent passions and plunge delightedly into the despairs of love + without hope. Of these people there are few, because ordinarily one + likes more a certain thing than the unknown felicities lying and + flourishing at the bottommost depths of the soul. +</p> +<p> + This said gentleman, although his garments were well made, and clean + and neat, having even a certain amount of taste shown in the + arrangement, seemed to the constable's wife to be a poor knight + seeking fortune, and come from afar, with his nobility for his + portion. Now partly from a suspicion of his secret poverty, partly + because she was well beloved by him and a little because he had a good + countenance, fine black hair, and a good figure, and remained humble + and submissive in all, the constable's wife desired for him the favour + of women and of fortune, not to let his gallantry stand idle, and from + a good housewifely idea, she fired his imagination according to her + fantasies, by certain small favours and little looks which serpented + towards him like biting adders, trifling with the happiness of this + young life, like a princess accustomed to play with objects more + precious than a simple knight. In fact, her husband risked the whole + kingdom as you would a penny at piquet. Finally it was only three days + since, at the conclusion of vespers, that the constable's wife pointed + out to the queen this follower of love, said laughingly— +</p> +<p> + "There's a man of quality." +</p> +<p> + This sentence remained in the fashionable language. Later it became a + custom so to designate the people of the court. It was to the wife of + the constable d'Armagnac, and to no other source, that the French + language is indebted for this charming expression. +</p> +<p> + By a lucky chance the countess had surmised correctly concerning this + gentleman. He was a bannerless knight, named Julien de Boys-Bourredon, + who not having inherited on his estate enough to make a toothpick, and + knowing no other wealth than the rich nature with which his dead + mother had opportunely furnished him, conceived the idea of deriving + therefrom both rent and profit at court, knowing how fond ladies are + of those good revenues, and value them high and dear, when they can + stand being looked at between two suns. There are many like him who + have thus taken the narrow road of women to make their way; but he, + far from arranging his love in measured qualities, spend funds and + all, as soon as he came to the full-dress Mass, he saw the triumphant + beauty of the Countess Bonne. Then he fell really in love, which was a + grand thing for his crowns, because he lost both thirst and appetite. + This love is of the worst kind, because it incites you to the love of + diet, during the diet of love; a double malady, of which one is + sufficient to extinguish a man. +</p> +<p> + Such was the young gentlemen of whom the good lady had thought, and + towards whom she came quickly to invite him to his death. +</p> +<p> + On entering she saw the poor chevalier, who faithful to his pleasure, + awaited her, his back against a pillar, as a sick man longs for the + sun, the spring-time, and the dawn. Then she turned away her eyes, and + wished to go to the queen and request her assistance in this desperate + case, for she took pity on her lover, but one of the captains said to + her, with great appearance of respect, "Madame, we have orders not to + allow you to speak with man or woman, even though it should be the + queen or your confessor. And remember that the lives of all of us are + at stake." +</p> +<p> + "Is it not your business to die?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "And also to obey," replied the soldier. +</p> +<p> + Then the countess knelt down in her accustomed place, and again + regarding her faithful slave, found his face thinner and more deeply + lined than ever it had been. +</p> +<p> + "Bah!" said she, "I shall have less remorse for his death; he is half + dead as it is." +</p> +<p> + With this paraphrase of her idea, she cast upon the said gentleman one + of those warm ogles that are only allowable to princesses and harlots, + and the false love which her lovely eyes bore witness to, gave a + pleasant pang to the gallant of the pillar. Who does not love the warm + attack of life when it flows thus round the heart and engulfs + everything? +</p> +<p> + Madame recognised with a pleasure, always fresh in the minds of women, + the omnipotence of her magnificent regard by the answer which, without + saying a word, the chevalier made to it. And in fact, the blushes + which empurpled his cheeks spoke better than the best speeches of the + Greek and Latin orators, and were well understood. At this sweet + sight, the countess, to make sure that it was not a freak of nature, + took pleasure in experimentalising how far the virtue of her eyes + would go, and after having heated her slave more than thirty times, + she was confirmed in her belief that he would bravely die for her. + This idea so touched her, that from three repetitions between her + orisons she was tickled with the desire to put into a lump all the + joys of man, and to dissolve them for him in one single glance of + love, in order that she should not one day be reproached with having + not only dissipated the life, but also the happiness of this + gentleman. When the officiating priest turned round to sing the <i>Off + you go</i> to this fine gilded flock, the constable's wife went out by the + side of the pillar where her courtier was, passed in front of him and + endeavoured to insinuate into his understanding by a speaking glance + that he was to follow her, and to make positive the intelligence and + significant interpretation of this gentle appeal, the artful jade + turned round again a little after passing him to again request his + company. She saw that he had moved a little from his place, and dared + not advance, so modest was he, but upon this last sign, the gentleman, + sure of not being over-credulous, mixed with the crowd with little and + noiseless steps, like an innocent who is afraid of venturing into one + of those good places people call bad ones. And whether he walked + behind or in front, to the right or to the left, my lady bestowed upon + him a glistening glance to allure him the more and the better to draw + him to her, like a fisher who gently jerks the lines in order to hook + the gudgeon. To be brief: the countess practiced so well the + profession of the daughters of pleasure when they work to bring grist + into their mills, that one would have said nothing resembled a harlot + so much as a woman of high birth. And indeed, on arriving at the porch + of her hotel the countess hesitated to enter therein, and again turned + her face towards the poor chevalier to invite him to accompany her, + discharging at him so diabolical a glance, that he ran to the queen of + his heart, believing himself to be called by her. Thereupon, she + offered him her hand, and both boiling and trembling from the contrary + causes found themselves inside the house. At this wretched hour, + Madame d'Armagnac was ashamed of having done all these harlotries to + the profit of death, and of betraying Savoisy the better to save him; + but this slight remorse was lame as the greater, and came tardily. + Seeing everything ready, the countess leaned heavily upon her vassal's + arm, and said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Come quickly to my room; it is necessary that I should speak with + you." +</p> +<p> + And he, not knowing that his life was in peril, found no voice + wherewith to reply, so much did the hope of approaching happiness + choke him. +</p> +<p> + When the laundress saw this handsome gentleman so quickly hooked, + "Ah!" said she, "these ladies of the court are best at such work." + Then she honoured this courtier with a profound salutation, in which + was depicted the ironical respect due to those who have the great + courage to die for so little. +</p> +<p> + "Picard," said the constable's lady, drawing the laundress to her by + the skirt, "I have not the courage to confess to him the reward with + which I am about to pay his silent love and his charming belief in the + loyalty of women." +</p> +<p> + "Bah! Madame: why tell him? Send him away well contented by the + postern. So many men die in war for nothing, cannot this one die for + something? I'll produce another like him if that will console you." +</p> +<p> + "Come along," cried the countess, "I will confess all to him. That + will be the punishment for my sins." +</p> +<p> + Thinking that this lady was arranging with her servant certain + trifling provisions and secret things in order not to be disturbed in + the interview she had promised him, the unknown lover kept at a + discreet distance, looking at the flies. Nevertheless, he thought that + the countess was very bold, but also, as even a hunchback would have + done, he found a thousand reasons to justify her, and thought himself + quite worthy to inspire such recklessness. He was lost in those good + thoughts when the constable's wife opened the door of her chamber, and + invited the chevalier to follow her in. There his noble lady cast + aside all the apparel of her lofty fortune, and falling at the feet of + this gentleman, became a simple woman. +</p> +<p> + "Alas, sweet sir!" said she, "I have acted vilely towards you. Listen. + On your departure from this house, you will meet your death. The love + which I feel for another has bewildered me, and without being able to + hold his place here, you will have to take it before his murderers. + This is the joy to which I have bidden you." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" Replied Boys-Bourredon, interring in the depths of his heart a + dark despair, "I am grateful to you for having made use of me as of + something which belonged to you. . . . Yes, I love you so much that + every day you I have dreamed of offering you in imitation of the + ladies, a thing that can be given but once. Take, then, my life!" +</p> +<p> + And the poor chevalier, in saying this, gave her one glance to suffice + for all the time he would have been able to look at her through the + long days. Hearing these brave and loving words, Bonne rose suddenly. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! were it not for Savoisy, how I would love thee!" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Alas! my fate is then accomplished," replied Boys-Bourredon. "My + horoscope predicted that I should die by the love of a great lady. Ah, + God!" said he, clutching his good sword, "I will sell my life dearly, + but I shall die content in thinking that my decease ensures the + happiness of her I love. I should live better in her memory than in + reality." At the sight of the gesture and the beaming face of this + courageous man, the constable's wife was pierced to the heart. But + soon she was wounded to the quick because he seemed to wish to leave + her without even asking of her the smallest favour. +</p> +<p> + "Come, that I may arm you," said she to him, making an attempt to kiss + him. +</p> +<p> + "Ha! my lady-love," replied he, moistening with a gentle tear the fire + of his eyes, "would you render my death impossible by attaching too + great a value to my life?" +</p> +<p> + "Come," cried she, overcome by this intense love, "I do not know what + the end of all this will be, but come—afterwards we will go and + perish together at the postern." +</p> +<p> + The same flame leaped in their hearts, the same harmony had struck for + both, they embraced each other with a rapture in the delicious excess + of that mad fever which you know well I hope; they fell into a + profound forgetfulness of the dangers of Savoisy, of themselves, of + the constable, of death, of life, of everything. +</p> +<p> + Meanwhile the watchman at the porch had gone to inform the constable + of the arrival of the gallant, and to tell him how the infatuated + gentleman had taken no notice of the winks which, during Mass and on + the road, the countess had given him in order to prevent his + destruction. They met their master arriving in great haste at the + postern, because on their side the archers of the quay had whistled to + him afar off, saying to him— +</p> +<p> + "The Sire de Savoisy has passed in." +</p> +<p> + And indeed Savoisy had come at the appointed hour, and like all the + lovers, thinking only of his lady, he had not seen the count's spies + and had slipped in at the postern. This collision of lovers was the + cause of the constable's cutting short the words of those who came + from the Rue St. Antoine, saying to them with a gesture of authority, + that they did not think wise to disregard— +</p> +<p> + "I know that the animal is taken." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon all rushed with a great noise through this said postern, + crying, "Death to him! death to him!" and men-at-arms, archers, the + constable, and the captains, all rushed full tilt upon Charles + Savoisy, the king's nephew, who they attacked under the countess's + window, where by a strange chance, the groans of the poor young man + were dolorously exhaled, mingled with the yells of the soldiers, at + the same time as passionate sighs and cries were given forth by the + two lovers, who hastened up in great fear. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the countess, turning pale from terror, "Savoisy is dying + for me!" +</p> +<p> + "But I will live for you," replied Boys-Bourredon, "and shall esteem + it a joy to pay the same price for my happiness as he has done." +</p> +<p> + "Hide yourself in the clothes chest," cried the countess; "I hear the + constable's footsteps." +</p> +<p> + And indeed M. d'Armagnac appeared very soon with a head in his hand, + and putting it all bloody on the mantleshelf, "Behold, Madame," said + he, "a picture which will enlighten you concerning the duties of a + wife towards her husband." +</p> +<p> + "You have killed an innocent man," replied the countess, without + changing colour. "Savoisy was not my lover." +</p> +<p> + And with the this speech she looked proudly at the constable with a + face marked by so much dissimulation and feminine audacity, that the + husband stood looking as foolish as a girl who has allowed a note to + escape her below, before a numerous company, and he was afraid of + having made a mistake. +</p> +<p> + "Of whom were you thinking this morning?" asked he. +</p> +<p> + "I was dreaming of the king," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Then, my dear, why not have told me so?" +</p> +<p> + "Would you have believed me in the bestial passion you were in?" +</p> +<p> + The constable scratched his ear and replied— +</p> +<p> + "But how came Savoisy with the key of the postern?" +</p> +<p> + "I don't know," she said, curtly, "if you will have the goodness to + believe what I have said to you." +</p> +<p> + And his wife turned lightly on her heel like a weather-cock turned by + the wind, pretending to go and look after the household affairs. You + can imagine that D'Armagnac was greatly embarrassed with the head of + poor Savoisy, and that for his part Boys-Bourredon had no desire to + cough while listening to the count, who was growling to himself all + sorts of words. At length the constable struck two heavy blows over + the table and said, "I'll go and attack the inhabitants of Poissy." + Then he departed, and when the night was come Boys-Bourredon escaped + from the house in some disguise or other. +</p> +<p> + Poor Savoisy was sorely lamented by his lady, who had done all that a + woman could do to save her lover, and later he was more than wept, he + was regretted; for the countess having related this adventure to Queen + Isabella, her majesty seduced Boys-Bourredon from the service of her + cousin and put him to her own, so much was she touched with the + qualities and firm courage of this gentleman. +</p> +<p> + Boys-Bourredon was a man whom danger had well recommended to the + ladies. In fact he comported himself so proudly in everything in the + lofty fortune, which the queen had made for him, that having badly + treated King Charles one day when the poor man was in his proper + senses, the courtiers, jealous of favour, informed the king of his + cuckoldom. Boys-Bourredon was in a moment sewn in a sack and thrown + into the Seine, near the ferry at Charenton, as everyone knows. I have + no need add, that since the day when the constable took it into his + head to play thoughtlessly with knives, his good wife utilised so well + the two deaths he had caused and threw them so often in his face, that + she made him as soft as a cat's paw and put him in the straight road + of marriage; and he proclaimed her a modest and virtuous constable's + lady, as indeed she was. As this book should, according to the maxims + of great ancient authors, join certain useful things to the good + laughs which you will find therein and contain precepts of high taste, + I beg to inform you that the quintessence of the story is this: That + women need never lose their heads in serious cases, because the God of + Love never abandons them, especially when they are beautiful, young, + and of good family; and that gallants when going to keep an amorous + assignation should never go there like giddy young men, but carefully, + and keep a sharp look-out near the burrow, to avoid falling into + certain traps and to preserve themselves; for after a good woman the + most precious thing is, certes, a pretty gentleman. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE MAID OF THILOUSE +</h2> +<p> + The lord of Valennes, a pleasant place, of which the castle is not far + from the town of Thilouse, had taken a mean wife, who by reason of + taste or antipathy, pleasure or displeasure, health or sickness, + allowed her good husband to abstain from those pleasures stipulated + for in all contracts of marriage. In order to be just, it should be + stated that the above-mentioned lord was a dirty and ill-favoured + person, always hunting wild animals and not the more entertaining than + is a room full of smoke. And what is more, the said sportsman was all + sixty years of age, on which subject, however, he was a silent as a + hempen widow on the subject of rope. But nature, which the crooked, + the bandy-legged, the blind, and the ugly abuse so unmercifully here + below, and have no more esteem for her than the well-favoured,—since, + like workers of tapestry, they know not what they do,—gives the same + appetite to all and to all the same mouth for pudding. So every beast + finds a mate, and from the same fact comes the proverb, "There is no + pot, however ugly, that does not one day find a cover." Now the lord + of Valennes searched everywhere for nice little pots to cover, and + often in addition to wild, he hunted tame animals; but this kind of + game was scarce in the land, and it was an expensive affair to + discover a maid. At length however by reason of much ferreting about + and much enquiry, it happened that the lord of Valennes was informed + that in Thilouse was the widow of a weaver who had a real treasure in + the person of a little damsel of sixteen years, whom she had never + allowed to leave her apronstrings, and whom, with great maternal + forethought, she always accompanied when the calls of nature demanded + her obedience; she had her to sleep with her in her own bed, watched + over her, got her up in the morning, and put her to such a work that + between the twain they gained about eight pennies a day. On fete days + she took her to the church, scarcely giving her a spare moment to + exchange a merry word with the young people; above all was she strict + in keeping hands off the maiden. +</p> +<p> + But the times were just then so hard that the widow and her daughter + had only bread enough to save them from dying of hunger, and as they + lodged with one of their poor relations, they often wanted wood in + winter and clothes in summer, owing enough rent to frighten sergeants + of justice, men who are not easily frightened at the debts of others; + in short, while the daughter was increasing in beauty, the mother was + increasing in poverty, and ran into debt on account of her daughter's + virginity, as an alchemist will for the crucible in which his all is + cast. As soon as his plans were arranged and perfect, one rainy day + the said lord of Valennes by a mere chance came into the hovel of the + two spinners, and in order to dry himself sent for some fagots to + Plessis, close by. While waiting for them, he sat on a stool between + the two poor women. By means of the grey shadows and half light of the + cabin, he saw the sweet countenance of the maid of Thilouse; her arms + were red and firm, her breasts hard as bastions, which kept the cold + from her heart, her waist round as a young oak and all fresh and clean + and pretty, like the first frost, green and tender as an April bud; in + fact, she resembled all that is prettiest in the world. She had eyes + of a modest and virtuous blue, with a look more coy than that of the + Virgin, for she was less forward, never having had a child. +</p> +<p> + Had any one said to her, "Come, let us make love," she would have + said, "Love! What is that?" she was so innocent and so little open to + the comprehensions of the thing. +</p> +<p> + The good old lord twisted about upon his stool, eyeing the maid and + stretching his neck like a monkey trying to catch nuts, which the + mother noticed, but said not a word, being in fear of the lord to whom + the whole of the country belonged. When the fagot was put into the + grate and flared up, the good hunter said to the old woman, "Ah, ah! + that warms one almost as much as your daughter's eyes." +</p> +<p> + "But alas, my lord," said she, "we have nothing to cook on that fire." +</p> +<p> + "Oh yes," replied he. +</p> +<p> + "What?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah, my good woman, lend your daughter to my wife, who has need of a + good handmaiden: we will give you two fagots every day." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my lord, what could I cook at such a good fire?" +</p> +<p> + "Why," replied the old rascal, "good broth, for I will give you a + measure of corn in season." +</p> +<p> + "Then," replied the old hag, "where shall I put it?" +</p> +<p> + "In your dish," answered the purchaser of innocence. +</p> +<p> + "But I have neither dish nor flower-bin, nor anything." +</p> +<p> + "Well I will give you dishes and flower-bins, saucepans, flagons, a + good bed with curtains, and everything." +</p> +<p> + "Yes," replied the good widow, "but the rain would spoil them, I have + no house." +</p> +<p> + "You can see from here," replied the lord, "the house of La + Tourbelliere, where lived my poor huntsmen Pillegrain, who was ripped + up by a boar?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said the old woman. +</p> +<p> + "Well, you can make yourself at home there for the rest of your days." +</p> +<p> + "By my faith;" cried the mother, letting fall her distaff, "do you + mean what you say?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Well, then, what will you give my daughter?" +</p> +<p> + "All that she is willing to gain in my service." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! my lord, you are a joking." +</p> +<p> + "No," said he. +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said she. +</p> +<p> + "By St. Gatien, St. Eleuther, and by the thousand million saints who + are in heaven, I swear that—" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Well; if you are not jesting I should like those fagots to pass + through the hands of the notary." +</p> +<p> + "By the blood of Christ and the charms of your daughter am I not a + gentleman? Is not my word good enough?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! well I don't say that it is not; but as true as I am a poor + spinner I love my child too much to leave her; she is too young and + weak at present, she will break down in service. Yesterday, in his + sermon, the vicar said that we should have to answer to God for our + children." +</p> +<p> + "There! There!" said the lord, "go and find the notary." +</p> +<p> + An old woodcutter ran to the scrivener, who came and drew up a + contract, to which the lord of Valennes then put his cross, not + knowing how to write, and when all was signed and sealed— +</p> +<p> + "Well, old lady," said he, "now you are no longer answerable to God + for the virtue of your child." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my lord, the vicar said until the age of reason, and my child is + quite reasonable." Then turning towards her, she added, "Marie Fiquet, + that which is dearest to you is your honour, and there where you are + going everyone, without counting my lord, will try to rob you of it, + but you see well what it is worth; for that reason do not lose it save + willingly and in proper manner. Now in order not to contaminate your + virtue before God and before man, except for a legitimate motive, take + heed that your chance of marriage be not damaged beforehand, otherwise + you will go to the bad." +</p> +<p> + "Yes, dear mother," replied the maid. +</p> +<p> + And thereupon she left the poor abode of her relation, and came to the + chateau of Valennes, there to serve my lady, who found her both pretty + and to her taste. +</p> +<p> + When the people of Valennes, Sache, Villaines, and other places, + learned the high price given for the maid of Thilouse, the good + housewives recognising the fact that nothing is more profitable than + virtue, endeavoured to nourish and bring up their daughters virtuous, + but the business was as risky as that of rearing silkworms, which are + liable to perish, since innocence is like a medlar, and ripens quickly + on the straw. There were, however, some girls noted for it in + Touraine, who passed for virgins in the convents of the religious, but + I cannot vouch for these, not having proceeded to verify them in the + manner laid down by Verville, in order to make sure of the perfect + virtue of women. However, Marie Fiquet followed the wise counsel of + her mother, and would take no notice of the soft requests, honied + words, or apish tricks of her master, unless they were flavoured with + a promise of marriage. +</p> +<p> + When the old lord tried to kiss her, she would put her back up like a + cat at the approach of a dog, crying out "I will tell Madame!" In + short at the end of six months he had not even recovered the price of + a single fagot. From her labour Marie Fiquet became harder and firmer. + Sometimes she would reply to the gentle request of her master, "When + you have taken it from me will you give it me back again?" +</p> +<p> + Another time she would say, "If I were as full of holes as a sieve not + one should be for you, so ugly do I think you." +</p> +<p> + The good old man took these village sayings for flowers of innocence, + and ceased not make little signs to her, long harangues and a hundred + vows and sermons, for by reason of seeing the fine breasts of the + maid, her plump hips, which at certain movements came into prominent + relief, and by reason of admiring other things capable of inflaming + the mind of a saint, this dear men became enamoured of her with an old + man's passion, which augments in geometrical proportions as opposed to + the passions of young men, because the old men love with their + weakness which grows greater, and the young with their strength which + grows less. In order to leave this headstrong girl no loophole for + refusal, the old lord took into his confidence the steward, whose age + was seventy odd years, and made him understand that he ought to marry + in order to keep his body warm, and that Marie Fiquet was the very + girl to suit him. The old steward, who had gained three hundred pounds + by different services about the house, desired to live quietly without + opening the front door again; but his good master begged him to marry + to please him, assuring him that he need not trouble about his wife. + So the good steward wandered out of sheer good nature into this + marriage. The day of the wedding, bereft of all her reasons, and not + able to find objections to her pursuer, she made him give her a fat + settlement and dowry as the price of her conquest, and then gave the + old knave leave to wink at her as often as he could, promising him as + many embraces as he had given grains of wheat to her mother. But at + his age a bushel was sufficient. +</p> +<p> + The festivities over, the lord did not fail, as soon as his wife had + retired, to wend his way towards the well-glazed, well-carpeted, and + pretty room where he had lodged his lass, his money, his fagots, his + house, his wheat, and his steward. To be brief, know that he found the + maid of Thilouse the sweetest girl in the world, as pretty as + anything, by the soft light of the fire which was gleaming in the + chimney, snug between the sheets, and with a sweet odour about her, as + a young maiden should have, and in fact he had no regret for the great + price of this jewel. Not being able to restrain himself from hurrying + over the first mouthfuls of this royal morsel, the lord treated her + more as a past master than a young beginner. So the happy man by too + much gluttony, managed badly, and in fact knew nothing of the sweet + business of love. Finding which, the good wench said, after a minute + or two, to her old cavalier, "My lord, if you are there, as I think + you are, give a little more swing to your bells." +</p> +<p> + From this saying, which became spread about, I know not how, Marie + Fiquet became famous, and it is still said in our country, "She is a + maid of Thilouse," in mockery of a bride, and to signify a + "fricquenelle." +</p> +<p> + "Fricquenelle" is said of a girl I do not wish you to find in your + arms on your wedding night, unless you have been brought up in the + philosophy of Zeno, which puts up with anything, and there are many + people obliged to be Stoics in this funny situation, which is often + met with, for Nature turns, but changes not, and there are always good + maids of Thilouse to be found in Touraine, and elsewhere. Now if you + asked me in what consists, or where comes in, the moral of this tale? + I am at liberty to reply to the ladies; that the Cent Contes + Drolatiques are made more to teach the moral of pleasure than to + procure the pleasure of pointing a moral. But if it were a used up old + rascal who asked me, I should say to him with all the respect due to + his yellow or grey locks; that God wishes to punish the lord of + Valennes, for trying to purchase a jewel made to be given. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS +</h2> +<p> + At the commencement of the reign of King Henry, second of the name, + who loved so well the fair Diana, there existed still a ceremony of + which the usage has since become much weakened, and which has + altogether disappeared, like an infinity of the good things of the + olden times. This fine and noble custom was the choice which all + knights made of a brother-in-arms. After having recognised each other + as two loyal and brave men, each one of this pretty couple was married + for life to the other; both became brothers, the one had to defend the + other in battling against the enemies who threatened him, and at Court + against the friends who slandered him. In the absence of his companion + the other was expected to say to one who should have accused his good + brother of any disloyalty, wickedness or dark felony, "You have lied + by your throat," and so go into the field instantly, so sure was the + one of the honour of the other. There is no need to add, that the one + was always the second of the other in all affairs, good or evil, and + that they shared all good or evil fortune. They were better than the + brothers who are only united by the hazard of nature, since they were + fraternised by the bonds of an especial sentiment, involuntary and + mutual, and thus the fraternity of arms has produced splendid + characters, as brave as those of the ancient Greeks, Romans, or + others. . . . But this is not my subject; the history of these things + has been written by the historians of our country, and everyone knows + them. +</p> +<p> + Now at this time two young gentlemen of Touraine, of whom one was the + Cadet of Maille, and the other Sieur de Lavalliere, became + brothers-in-arms on the day they gained their spurs. They were leaving + the house of Monsieur de Montmorency, where they had been nourished with + the good doctrines of this great Captain, and had shown how contagious + is valour in such good company, for at the battle of Ravenna they + merited the praises of the oldest knights. It was in the thick of this + fierce fight that Maille, saved by the said Lavalliere, with whom he + had had a quarrel or two, perceived that this gentleman had a noble + heart. As they had each received slashes in the doublets, they + baptised their fraternity with their blood, and were ministered to + together in one and the same bed under the tent of Monsieur de + Montmorency their master. It is necessary to inform you that, contrary + to the custom of his family, which was always to have a pretty face, + the Cadet of Maille was not of a pleasing physiognomy, and had + scarcely any beauty but that of the devil. For the rest he was lithe + as a greyhound, broad shouldered and strongly built as King Pepin, who + was a terrible antagonist. On the other hand, the Sieur de Lavalliere + was a dainty fellow, for whom seemed to have been invented rich laces, + silken hose, and cancellated shoes. His long dark locks were pretty as + a lady's ringlets, and he was, to be brief, a child with whom all the + women would be glad to play. One day the Dauphine, niece of the Pope, + said laughingly to the Queen of Navarre, who did not dislike these + little jokes, "that this page was a plaster to cure every ache," which + caused the pretty little Tourainian to blush, because, being only + sixteen, he took this gallantry as a reproach. +</p> +<p> + Now on his return from Italy the Cadet of Maille found the slipper of + marriage ready for his foot, which his mother had obtained for him in + the person of Mademoiselle d'Annebaut, who was a graceful maiden of + good appearance, and well furnished with everything, having a splendid + hotel in the Rue Barbette, with handsome furniture and Italian + paintings and many considerable lands to inherit. Some days after the + death of King Francis—a circumstance which planted terror in the + heart of everyone, because his said Majesty had died in consequence of + an attack of the Neapolitan sickness, and that for the future there + would be no security even with princesses of the highest birth—the + above-named Maille was compelled to quit the Court in order to go and + arrange certain affairs of great importance in Piedmont. You may be + sure that he was very loath to leave his good wife, so young, so + delicate, so sprightly, in the midst of the dangers, temptations, + snares and pitfalls of this gallant assemblage, which comprised so + many handsome fellows, bold as eagles, proud of mein, and as fond of + women as the people are partial to Paschal hams. In this state of + intense jealousy everything made him ill at ease; but by dint of much + thinking, it occurred to him to make sure of his wife in the manner + about to be related. He invited his good brother-in-arms to come at + daybreak on the morning of his departure. Now directly he heard + Lavalliere's horse in the courtyard, he leaped out of bed, leaving his + sweet and fair better-half sleeping that gentle, dreamy, dozing sleep + so beloved by dainty ladies and lazy people. Lavalliere came to him, + and the two companions, hidden in the embrasure of the window, greeted + each other with a loyal clasp of the hand, and immediately Lavalliere + said to Maille— +</p> +<p> + "I should have been here last night in answer to thy summons, but I + had a love suit on with my lady, who had given me an assignation; I + could in no way fail to keep it, but I quitted her at dawn. Shall I + accompany thee? I have told her of thy departure, she has promised me + to remain without any amour; we have made a compact. If she deceives + me—well a friend is worth more than a mistress!" +</p> +<p> + "Oh! my good brother" replied the Maille, quite overcome with these + words, "I wish to demand of thee a still higher proof of thy brave + heart. Wilt thou take charge of my wife, defend her against all, be + her guide, keep her in check and answer to me for the integrity of my + head? Thou canst stay here during my absence, in the green-room, and + be my wife's cavalier." +</p> +<p> + Lavalliere knitted his brow and said— +</p> +<p> + "It is neither thee nor thy wife that I fear, but evil-minded people, + who will take advantage of this to entangle us like skeins of silk." +</p> +<p> + "Do not be afraid of me," replied Maille, clasping Lavalliere to his + breast. "If it be the divine will of the Almighty that I should have + the misfortune to be a cuckold, I should be less grieved if it were to + your advantage. But by my faith I should die of grief, for my life is + bound up in my good, young, virtuous wife." +</p> +<p> + Saying which, he turned away his head, in order that Lavalliere should + not perceive the tears in his eyes; but the fine courtier saw this + flow of water, and taking the hand of Maille— +</p> +<p> + "Brother," said he to him, "I swear to thee on my honour as a man, + that before anyone lays a finger on thy wife, he shall have felt my + dagger in the depth of his veins! And unless I should die, thou shalt + find her on thy return, intact in body if not in heart, because + thought is beyond the control of gentlemen." +</p> +<p> + "It is then decreed above," exclaimed Maille, "that I shall always be + thy servant and thy debtor!" +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the comrade departed, in order not to be inundated with the + tears, exclamations, and other expressions of grief which ladies make + use of when saying "Farewell." Lavalliere having conducted him to the + gate of the town, came back to the hotel, waited until Marie + d'Annebaut was out of bed, informed her of the departure of her good + husband, and offered to place himself at her orders, in such a + graceful manner, that the most virtuous woman would have been tickled + with a desire to keep such a knight to herself. But there was no need + of this fine paternoster to indoctrinate the lady, seeing that she had + listened to the discourse of the two friends, and was greatly offended + at her husband's doubt. Alas! God alone is perfect! In all the ideas + of men there is always a bad side, and it is therefore a great science + in life, but an impossible science, to take hold of everything, even a + stick by the right end. The cause of the great difficulty there is in + pleasing the ladies is, that there is it in them a thing which is more + woman than they are, and but for the respect which is due to them, I + would use another word. Now we should never awaken the phantasy of + this malevolent thing. The perfect government of woman is a task to + rend a man's heart, and we are compelled to remain in perfect + submission to them; that is, I imagine, the best manner in which to + solve the most agonising enigma of marriage. +</p> +<p> + Now Marie d'Annebaut was delighted with the bearing and offers of this + gallant; but there was something in her smile which indicated a + malicious idea, and, to speak plainly, the intention of putting her + young guardian between honour and pleasure; to regale him so with + love, to surround him with so many little attentions, to pursue him + with such warm glances, that he would be faithless to friendship, to + the advantage of gallantry. +</p> +<p> + Everything was in perfect trim for the carrying out of her design, + because of the companionship which the Sire de Lavalliere would be + obliged to have with her during his stay in the hotel, and as there is + nothing in the world can turn a woman from her whim, at every turn the + artful jade was ready to catch him in a trap. +</p> +<p> + At times she would make him remain seated near her by the fire, until + twelve o'clock at night, singing soft refrains, and at every + opportunity showed her fair shoulders, and the white temptations of + which her corset was full, and casting upon him a thousand piercing + glances, all without showing in her face the thoughts that surged in + her brain. +</p> +<p> + At times she would walk with him in the morning, in the gardens of the + hotel, leaning heavily upon his arm, pressing it, sighing, and making + him tie the laces of her little shoes, which were always coming undone + in that particular place. Then it would be those soft words and things + which the ladies understand so well, little attentions paid to a + guest, such as coming in to see if he were comfortable, if his bed + were well made, the room clean, if the ventilation were good, if he + felt any draughts in the night, if the sun came in during the day, and + asking him to forgo none of his usual fancies and habits, saying— +</p> +<p> + "Are you accustomed to take anything in the morning in bed, such as + honey, milk, or spice? Do the meal times suit you? I will conform mine + to yours: tell me. You are afraid to ask me. Come—" +</p> +<p> + She accompanied these coddling little attentions with a hundred + affected speeches; for instance, on coming into the room she would + say— +</p> +<p> + "I am intruding, send me away. You want to be left alone—I will go." + And always was she graciously invited to remain. +</p> +<p> + And the cunning Madame always came lightly attired, showing samples of + her beauty, which would have made a patriarch neigh, even were he as + much battered by time as must have been Mr. Methusaleh, with his nine + hundred and sixty years. +</p> +<p> + That good knight being as sharp as a needle, let the lady go on with + her tricks, much pleased to see her occupy herself with him, since it + was so much gained; but like a loyal brother, he always called her + absent husband to the lady's mind. +</p> +<p> + Now one evening—the day had been very warm—Lavalliere suspecting the + lady's games, told her that Maille loved her dearly, that she had in + him a man of honour, a gentleman who doted on her, and was ticklish on + the score of his crown. +</p> +<p> + "Why then, if he is so ticklish in this manner, has he placed you + here?" +</p> +<p> + "Was it not a most prudent thing?" replied he. "Was it not necessary + to confide you to some defender of your virtue? Not that it needs one + save to protect you from wicked men." +</p> +<p> + "Then you are my guardian?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "I am proud of it!" exclaimed Lavalliere. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "he has made a very bad choice." +</p> +<p> + This remark was accompanied by a little look, so lewdly lascivious + that the good brother-in-arms put on, by way of reproach, a severe + countenance, and left the fair lady alone, much piqued at this refusal + to commence love's conflict. +</p> +<p> + She remained in deep meditation, and began to search for the real + obstacle that she had encountered, for it was impossible that it + should enter the mind of any lady, that a gentleman could despise that + bagatelle which is of such great price and so high value. Now these + thoughts knitted and joined together so well, one fitting into the + other, that out of little pieces she constructed a perfect whole, and + found herself desperately in love; which should teach the ladies never + to play with a man's weapons, seeing that like glue, they always stick + to the fingers. +</p> +<p> + By this means Marie d'Annebaut came to a conclusion which she should + have known at the commencement—viz., that to keep clear of her + snares, the good knight must be smitten with some other lady, and + looking round her, to see where her young guest could have found a + needle-case to his taste, she thought of the fair Limeuil, one of + Queen Catherine's maids, of Mesdames de Nevers, d'Estree, and de Giac, + all of whom were declared friends of Lavalliere, and of the lot he + must love one to distraction. +</p> +<p> + From this belief, she added the motive of jealousy to the others which + tempted her to seduce her Argus, whom she did not wish to wound, but + to perfume, kiss his head, and treat kindly. +</p> +<p> + She was certainly more beautiful, young, and more appetising and + gentle than her rivals; at least, that was the melodious decree of her + imaginations. So, urged on by the chords and springs of conscience, + and physical causes which affect women, she returned to the charge, to + commence a fresh assault upon the heart of the chevalier, for the + ladies like that which is well fortified. +</p> +<p> + Then she played the pussy-cat, and nestled up close to him, became so + sweetly sociable, and wheedled so gently, that one evening when she + was in a desponding state, although merry enough in her inmost soul, + the guardian-brother asked her— +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter with you?" +</p> +<p> + To which she replied to him dreamily, being listened to by him as the + sweetest music— +</p> +<p> + That she had married Maille against her heart's will, and that she was + very unhappy; that she knew not the sweets of love; that her husband + did not understand her, and that her life was full of tears. In fact, + that she was a maiden in heart and all, since she confessed in + marriage she had experienced nothing but the reverse of pleasure. And + she added, that surely this holy state should be full of sweetmeats + and dainties of love, because all the ladies hurried into it, and + hated and were jealous of those who out-bid them, for it cost certain + people pretty dear; that she was so curious about it that for one good + day or night of love, she would give her life, and always be obedient + to her lover without a murmur; but that he with whom she would sooner + than all others try the experiment would not listen to her; that, + nevertheless, the secret of their love might be kept eternally, so + great was her husband's confidence in him, and that finally if he + still refused it would kill her. +</p> +<p> + And all these paraphrases of the common canticle known to the ladies + at their birth were ejaculated between a thousand pauses, interrupted + with sighs torn from the heart, ornamented with quiverings, appeals to + heaven, upturned eyes, sudden blushings and clutchings at her hair. In + fact, no ingredient of temptation was lacking in the dish, and at the + bottom of all these words there was a nipping desire which embellished + even its blemishes. The good knight fell at the lady's feet, and + weeping took them and kissed them, and you may be sure the good woman + was quite delighted to let him kiss them, and even without looking too + carefully to see what she was going to do, she abandoned her dress to + him, knowing well that to keep it from sweeping the ground it must be + taken at the bottom to raise it; but it was written that for that + evening she should be good, for the handsome Lavalliere said to her + with despair— +</p> +<p> + "Ah, madame, I am an unfortunate man and a wretch." +</p> +<p> + "Not at all," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Alas, the joy of loving you is denied to me." +</p> +<p> + "How?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "I dare not confess my situation to you!" +</p> +<p> + "Is it then very bad?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah, you will be ashamed of me!" +</p> +<p> + "Speak, I will hide my face in my hands," and the cunning madame hid + her face is such a way that she could look at her well-beloved between + her fingers. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said he, "the other evening when you addressed me in such + gracious words, I was so treacherously inflamed, that not knowing my + happiness to be so near, and not daring to confess my flame to you, I + ran to a Bordel where all the gentleman go, and there for love of you, + and to save the honour of my brother whose head I should blush to + dishonour, I was so badly infected that I am in great danger of dying + of the Italian sickness." +</p> +<p> + The lady, seized with terror, gave vent to the cry of a woman in + labour, and with great emotion, repulsed him with a gentle little + gesture. Poor Lavalliere, finding himself in so pitiable state, went + out of the room, but he had not even reached the tapestries of the + door, when Marie d'Annebaut again contemplated him, saying to herself, + "Ah! what a pity!" Then she fell into a state of great melancholy, + pitying in herself the gentleman, and became the more in love with him + because he was fruit three times forbidden. +</p> +<p> + "But for Maille," said she to him, one evening that she thought him + handsomer than unusual, "I would willingly take your disease. Together + we should then have the same terrors." +</p> +<p> + "I love you too well," said the brother, "not to be good." +</p> +<p> + And he left her to go to his beautiful Limeuil. You can imagine that + being unable to refuse to receive the burning glances of the lady, + during meal times, and the evenings, there was a fire nourished that + warmed them both, but she was compelled to live without touching her + cavalier, otherwise than with her eyes. Thus occupied, Marie + d'Annebaut was fortified at every point against the gallants of the + Court, for there are no bounds so impassable as those of love, and no + better guardian; it is like the devil, he whom it has in its clutches + it surrounds with flames. One evening, Lavalliere having escorted his + friend's wife to a dance given by Queen Catherine, he danced with the + fair Limeuil, with whom he was madly in love. At that time the knights + carried on their amours bravely two by two, and even in troops. Now + all the ladies were jealous of La Limeuil, who at that time was + thinking of yielding to the handsome Lavalliere. Before taking their + places in the quadrille, she had given him the sweetest of + assignations for the morrow, during the hunt. Our great Queen + Catherine, who from political motives fermented these loves and + stirred them up, like pastrycooks make the oven fires burn by poking, + glanced at all the pretty couples interwoven in the quadrille, and + said to her husband— +</p> +<p> + "When they combat here, can they conspire against you, eh?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! but the Protestants?" +</p> +<p> + "Bah! have them here as well," said she, laughing. "Why, look at + Lavalliere, who is suspected to be a Huguenot; he is converted by my + dear little Limeuil, who does not play her cards badly for a young + lady of sixteen. He will soon have her name down in his list." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Madame! do not believe it," said Marie d'Annebaut, "he is ruined + through that same sickness of Naples which made you queen." +</p> +<p> + At this artless confession, Catherine, the fair Diana, and the king, + who were sitting together, burst out laughing, and the thing ran round + the room. This brought endless shame and mockery upon Lavalliere. The + poor gentleman, pointed at by everyone, soon wished somebody else in + his shoes, for La Limeuil, who his rivals had not been slow laughingly + to warn of her danger, appeared to shrink from her lover, so rapid was + the spread, and so violent the apprehensions of this nasty disease. + Thus Lavalliere found himself abandoned by everyone like a leper. The + king made an offensive remark, and the good knight quitted the + ball-room, followed by poor Marie in despair at the speech. She had in + every way ruined the man she loved: she had destroyed his honour, and + marred his life, since the physicians and master surgeons advance as a + fact, incapable of contradiction, that persons Italianised by this + love sickness, lost through it their greatest attractions, as well as + their generative powers, and their bones went black. +</p> +<p> + Thus no woman would bind herself in legitimate marriage with the + finest gentlemen in the kingdom if he were only suspected of being one + of those whom Master Frances Rabelais named "his very precious scabby + ones. . . . ." +</p> +<p> + As the handsome knight was very silent and melancholy, his companion + said to him on the road home from Hercules House, where the fete had + been held— +</p> +<p> + "My dear lord, I have done you a great mischief." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, madame!" replied Lavalliere, "my hurt is curable; but into what a + predicament have you fallen? You should not have been aware of the + danger of my love." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "I am sure now always to have you to myself; in + exchange for this great obloquy and dishonour, I will be forever your + friend, your hostess, and your lady-love—more than that, your + servant. My determination is to devote myself to you and efface the + traces of this shame; to cure you by a watch and ward; and if the + learned in these matters declare that the disease has such a hold of + you that it will kill you like our defunct sovereign, I must still + have your company in order to die gloriously in dying of your + complaint. Even then," said she, weeping, "that will not be penance + enough to atone for the wrong I have done you." +</p> +<p> + These words were accompanied with big tears; her virtuous heart waxed + faint, she fell to the ground exhausted. Lavalliere, terrified, caught + her and placed his hand upon her heart, below a breast of matchless + beauty. The lady revived at the warmth of this beloved hand, + experiencing such exquisite delights as nearly to make her again + unconscious. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said she, "this sly and superficial caress will be for the + future the only pleasure of our love. It will still be a hundred times + better than the joys which poor Maille fancies he is bestowing on me. + . . . Leave your hand there," said she; "verily it is upon my soul, + and touches it." +</p> +<p> + At these words the knight was in a pitiful plight, and innocently + confessed to the Lady that he experienced so much pleasure at this + touch that the pains of his malady increased, and that death was + preferable to this martyrdom. +</p> +<p> + "Let us die then," said she. +</p> +<p> + But the litter was in the courtyard of the hotel, and as the means of + death was not handy, each one slept far from the other, heavily + weighed down with love, Lavalliere having lost his fair Limeuil, and + Marie d'Annebaut having gained pleasures without parallel. +</p> +<p> + From this affair, which was quite unforeseen, Lavalliere found himself + under the ban of love and marriage and dared no longer appear in + public, and he found how much it costs to guard the virtue of a woman; + but the more honour and virtue he displayed the more pleasure did he + experience in these great sacrifices offered at the shrine of + brotherhood. Nevertheless, his duty was very bitter, very ticklish, + and intolerable to perform, towards the last days of his guard. And in + this way. +</p> +<p> + The confession of her love, which she believed was returned, the wrong + done by her to her cavalier, and the experience of an unknown + pleasure, emboldened the fair Marie, who fell into a platonic love, + gently tempered with those little indulgences in which there is no + danger. From this cause sprang the diabolical pleasures of the game + invented by the ladies, who since the death of Francis the First + feared the contagion, but wished to gratify their lovers. To these + cruel delights, in order to properly play his part, Lavalliere could + not refuse his sanction. Thus every evening the mournful Marie would + attach her guest to her petticoats, holding his hand, kissing him with + burning glances, her cheek placed gently against his, and during this + virtuous embrace, in which the knight was held like the devil by a + holy water brush, she told him of her great love, which was boundless + since it stretched through the infinite spaces of unsatisfied desire. + All the fire with which the ladies endow their substantial amours, + when the night has no other lights than their eyes, she transferred + into the mystic motions of her head, the exultations of her soul, and + the ecstasies of her heart. Then, naturally, and with the delicious + joy of two angels united by thought alone, they intoned together those + sweet litanies repeated by the lovers of the period in honour of + love—anthems which the abbot of Theleme has paragraphically saved + from oblivion by engraving them on the walls of his Abbey, situated, + according to master Alcofribas, in our land of Chinon, where I have + seen them in Latin, and have translated them for the benefit of + Christians. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said Marie d'Annebaut, "thou art my strength and my life, my + joy and my treasure." +</p> +<p> + "And you," replied he "you are a pearl, an angel." +</p> +<p> + "Thou art my seraphim." +</p> +<p> + "You my soul." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my God." +</p> +<p> + "You my evening star and morning star, my honour, my beauty, my + universe." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my great my divine master." +</p> +<p> + "You my glory, my faith, my religion." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my gentle one, my handsome one, my courageous one, my dear one, + my cavalier, my defender, my king, my love." +</p> +<p> + "You my fairy, the flower of my days, the dream of my nights." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my thought at every moment." +</p> +<p> + "You the delights of my eyes." +</p> +<p> + "Thou the voice of my soul." +</p> +<p> + "You my light by day." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my glimmer in the night." +</p> +<p> + "You the best beloved among women." +</p> +<p> + "Thou the most adored of men." +</p> +<p> + "You my blood, a myself better than myself." +</p> +<p> + "Thou art my heart, my lustre." +</p> +<p> + "You my saint, my only joy." +</p> +<p> + "I yield thee the palm of love, and how great so'er mine be, I believe + thou lovest me still more, for thou art the lord." +</p> +<p> + "No; the palm is yours, my goddess, my Virgin Marie." +</p> +<p> + "No; I am thy servant, thine handmaiden, a nothing thou canst crush to + atoms." +</p> +<p> + "No, no! it is I who am your slave, your faithful page, whom you see + as a breath of air, upon whom you can walk as on a carpet. My heart is + your throne." +</p> +<p> + "No, dearest, for thy voice transfigures me." +</p> +<p> + "Your regard burns me." +</p> +<p> + "I see but thee." +</p> +<p> + "I love but you." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! put thine hand upon my heart—only thine hand—and thou will see + me pale, when my blood shall have taken the heat of thine." +</p> +<p> + Then during these struggles their eyes, already ardent, flamed still + more brightly, and the good knight was a little the accomplice of the + pleasure which Marie d'Annebaut took in feeling his hand upon her + heart. Now, as in this light embrace all their strength was put forth, + all their desires strained, all their ideas of the thing concentrated, + it happened that the knight's transport reached a climax. Their eyes + wept warm tears, they seized each other hard and fast as fire seizes + houses; but that was all. Lavalliere had promised to return safe and + sound to his friend the body only, not the heart. +</p> +<p> + When Maille announced his return, it was quite time, since no virtue + could avoid melting upon this gridiron; and the less licence the + lovers had, the more pleasure they had in their fantasies. +</p> +<p> + Leaving Marie d'Annebaut, the good companion in arms went as far as + Bondy to meet his friend, to help him to pass through the forest + without accident, and the two brothers slept together, according to + the ancient custom, in the village of Bondy. +</p> +<p> + There, in their bed, they recounted to each other, one of the + adventures of his journey, the other the gossip of the camp, stories + of gallantry, and the rest. But Maille's first question was touching + Marie d'Annebaut, whom Lavalliere swore to be intact in that precious + place where the honour of husbands is lodged; at which the amorous + Maille was highly delighted. +</p> +<p> + On the morrow, they were all three re-united, to the great disgust of + Marie, who, with the high jurisprudence of women, made a great fuss + with her good husband, but with her finger she indicated her heart in + an artless manner to Lavalliere, as one who said, "This is thine!" +</p> +<p> + At supper Lavalliere announced his departure for the wars. Maille was + much grieved at this resolution, and wished to accompany his brother; + that Lavalliere refused him point blank. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," said he to Marie d'Annebaut, "I love you more than life, but + not more than honour." +</p> +<p> + He turned pale saying this, and Madame de Maille blanched hearing him, + because never in their amorous dalliance had there been so much true + love as in this speech. Maille insisted on keeping his friend company + as far as Meaux. When he came back he was talking over with his wife + the unknown reasons and secret causes of this departure, when Marie, + who suspected the grief of poor Lavalliere said, "I know: he is + ashamed to stop here because he has the Neapolitan sickness." +</p> +<p> + "He!" said Maille, quite astonished. "I saw him when we were in bed + together at Bondy the other evening, and yesterday at Meaux. There's + nothing the matter with him; he is as sound as a bell." +</p> +<p> + The lady burst into tears, admiring this great loyalty, the sublime + resignation to his oath, and the extreme sufferings of this internal + passion. But as she still kept her love in the recesses of her heart, + she died when Lavalliere fell before Metz, as has been elsewhere + related by Messire Bourdeilles de Brantome in his tittle-tattle. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU +</h2> +<p> + In those days the priests no longer took any woman in legitimate + marriage, but kept good mistresses as pretty as they could get; which + custom has since been interdicted by the council, as everyone knows, + because, indeed, it was not pleasant that the private confessions of + people should be retold to a wench who would laugh at them, besides + the other secret doctrines, ecclesiastical arrangements, and + speculations which are part and parcel of the politics of the Church + of Rome. The last priest in our country who theologically kept a woman + in his parsonage, regaling her with his scholastic love, was a certain + vicar of Azay-le-Ridel, a place later on most aptly named as + Azay-le-Brule, and now Azay-le-Rideau, whose castle is one of the + marvels of Touraine. Now this said period, when the women were not + averse to the odour of the priesthood, is not so far distant as some + may think, Monsieur D'Orgemont, son of the preceding bishop, still + held the see of Paris, and the great quarrels of the Armagnacs had not + finished. To tell the truth, this vicar did well to have his vicarage + in that age, since he was well shapen, of a high colour, stout, big, + strong, eating and drinking like a convalescent, and indeed, was + always rising from a little malady that attacked him at certain times; + and, later on, he would have been his own executioner, had he + determined to observe his canonical continence. Add to this that he + was a Tourainian, id est, dark, and had in his eyes flame to light, + and water to quench all the domestic furnaces that required lighting + or quenching; and never since at Azay has been such vicar seen! A + handsome vicar was he, square-shouldered, fresh coloured, always + blessing and chuckling, preferred weddings and christenings to + funerals, a good joker, pious in Church, and a man in everything. + There have been many vicars who have drunk well and eaten well; others + who have blessed abundantly and chuckled consumedly; but all of them + together would hardly make up the sterling worth of this aforesaid + vicar; and he alone has worthily filled his post with benedictions, + has held it with joy, and in it has consoled the afflicted, all so + well, that no one saw him come out of his house without wishing to be + in his heart, so much was he beloved. It was he who first said in a + sermon that the devil was not so black as he was painted, and who for + Madame de Cande transformed partridges into fish saying that the perch + of the Indre were partridges of the river, and, on the other hand, + partridges perch in the air. He never played artful tricks under the + cloak of morality, and often said, jokingly, he would rather be in a + good bed then in anybody's will, that he had plenty of everything, and + wanted nothing. As for the poor and suffering, never did those who + came to ask for wool at the vicarage go away shorn, for his hand was + always in his pocket, and he melted (he who in all else was so firm) + at the sight of all this misery and infirmity, and he endeavoured to + heal all their wounds. There have been many good stories told + concerning this king of vicars. It was he who caused such hearty + laughter at the wedding of the lord of Valennes, near Sacche. The + mother of the said lord had a good deal to do with the victuals, roast + meats and other delicacies, of which there was sufficient quantity to + feed a small town at least, and it is true, at the same time, that + people came to the wedding from Montbazon, from Tours, from Chinon, + from Langeais, and from everywhere, and stopped eight days. +</p> +<p> + Now the good vicar, as he was going into the room where the company + were enjoying themselves, met the little kitchen boy, who wished to + inform Madame that all the elementary substances and fat rudiments, + syrups, and sauces, were in readiness for a pudding of great delicacy, + the secret compilation, mixing, and manipulation of which she wished + herself to superintend, intending it as a special treat for her + daughter-in-law's relations. Our vicar gave the boy a tap on the + cheek, telling him that he was too greasy and dirty to show himself to + people of high rank, and that he himself would deliver the said + message. The merry fellow pushes open the door, shapes the fingers of + his left hand into the form of a sheath, and moves gently therein the + middle finger of his right, at the same time looking at the lady of + Valennes, and saying to her, "Come, all is ready." Those who did not + understand the affair burst out laughing to see Madame get up and go + to the vicar, because she knew he referred to the pudding, and not to + that which the others imagined. +</p> +<p> + But a true story is that concerning the manner in which this worthy + pastor lost his mistress, to whom the ecclesiastical authorities + allowed no successor; but, as for that, the vicar did not want for + domestic utensils. In the parish everyone thought it an honour to lend + him theirs, the more readily because he was not the man to spoil + anything, and was careful to clean them out thoroughly, the dear man. + But here are the facts. One evening the good man came home to supper + with a melancholy face, because he had just put into the ground a good + farmer, whose death came about in a strange manner, and is still + frequently talked about in Azay. Seeing that he only ate with the end + of his teeth, and turned up his nose at a dish of tripe, which had + been cooked in his own special manner, his good woman said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Have you passed before the Lombard (see <i>Master Cornelius, passim</i>), met + two black crows, or seen the dead man turn in his grave, that you are + so upset?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" +</p> +<p> + "Has anyone deceived you?" +</p> +<p> + "Ha! Ha!" +</p> +<p> + "Come, tell me!" +</p> +<p> + "My dear, I am still quite overcome at the death of poor Cochegrue, + and there is not at the present moment a good housewife's tongue or a + virtuous cuckold's lips that are not talking about it." +</p> +<p> + "And what was it?" +</p> +<p> + "Listen! This poor Cochegrue was returning from market, having sold + his corn and two fat pigs. He was riding his pretty mare, who, near + Azay, commenced to caper about without the slightest cause, and poor + Cochegrue trotted and ambled along counting his profits. At the corner + of the old road of the Landes de Charlemagne, they came upon a + stallion kept by the Sieur de la Carte, in a field, in order to have a + good breed of horses, because the said animal was fleet of foot, as + handsome as an abbot, and so high and mighty that the admiral who came + to see it, said it was a beast of the first quality. This cursed horse + scented the pretty mare; like a cunning beast, neither neighed nor + gave vent to any equine ejaculation, but when she was close to the + road, leaped over forty rows of vines and galloped after her, pawing + the ground with his iron shoes, discharging the artillery of a lover + who longs for an embrace, giving forth sounds to set the strongest + teeth on edge, and so loudly, that the people of Champy heard it and + were much terrified thereat. +</p> +<p> + "Cochegrue, suspecting the affair, makes for the moors, spurs his + amorous mare, relying upon her rapid pace, and indeed, the good mare + understands, obeys, and flies—flies like a bird, but a bowshot off + follows the blessed horse, thundering along the road like a blacksmith + beating iron, and at full speed, his mane flying in the wind, replying + to the sound of the mare's swift gallop with his terrible pat-a-pan! + pat-a-pan! Then the good farmer, feeling death following him in the + love of the beast, spurs anew his mare, and harder still she gallops, + until at last, pale and half dead with fear, he reaches the outer yard + of his farmhouse, but finding the door of the stable shut he cries, + 'Help here! Wife!' Then he turned round on his mare, thinking to avoid + the cursed beast whose love was burning, who was wild with passion, + and growing more amorous every moment, to the great danger of the + mare. His family, horrified at the danger, did not go to open the + stable door, fearing the strange embrace and the kicks of the + iron-shod lover. At last, Cochegrue's wife went, but just as the good + mare was half way through the door, the cursed stallion seized her, + squeezed her, gave her a wild greeting, with his two legs gripped her, + pinched her and held her tight, and at the same time so kneaded and + knocked about Cochegrue that there was only found of him a shapeless + mass, crushed like a nut after the oil has been distilled from it. It + was shocking to see him squashed alive and mingling his cries with the + loud love-sighs of the horse." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! the mare!" exclaimed the vicar's good wench. +</p> +<p> + "What!" said the priest astonished. +</p> +<p> + "Certainly. You men wouldn't have cracked a plumstone for us." +</p> +<p> + "There," answered the vicar, "you wrong me." The good man threw her so + angrily upon the bed, attacked and treated her so violently that she + split into pieces, and died immediately without either surgeons or + physicians being able to determine the manner in which the solution of + continuity was arrived at, so violently disjointed were the hinges and + mesial partitions. You can imagine that he was a proud man, and a + splendid vicar as has been previously stated. +</p> +<p> + The good people of the country, even the women, agreed that he was not + to blame, but that his conduct was warranted by the circumstances. +</p> +<p> + From this, perhaps, came the proverb so much in use at that time, Que + l'aze le saille! The which proverb is really so much coarser in its + actual wording, that out of respect for the ladies I will not mention + it. But this was not the only clever thing that this great and noble + vicar achieved, for before this misfortune he did such a stroke of + business that no robbers dare ask him how many angels he had in his + pocket, even had they been twenty strong and over to attack him. One + evening when his good woman was still with him, after supper, during + which he had enjoyed his goose, his wench, his wine, and everything, + and was reclining in his chair thinking where he could build a new + barn for the tithes, a message came for him from the lord of Sacche, + who was giving up the ghost and wished to reconcile himself with God, + receive the sacrament, and go through the usual ceremonies. "He is a + good man and loyal lord. I will go." said he. Thereupon he passed into + the church, took the silver box where the blessed bread is, rang the + little bell himself in order not to wake the clerk, and went lightly + and willingly along the roads. Near the Gue-droit, which is a valley + leading to the Indre across the moors, our good vicar perceived a high + toby. And what is a high toby? It is a clerk of St. Nicholas. Well, + what is that? That means a person who sees clearly on a dark night, + instructs himself by examining and turning over purses, and takes his + degrees on the high road. Do you understand now? Well then, the high + toby waited for the silver box, which he knew to be of great value. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! oh!" said the priest, putting down the sacred vase on a stone at + the corner of the bridge, "stop thou there without moving." +</p> +<p> + Then he walked up to the robber, tipped him up, seized his loaded + stick, and when the rascal got up to struggle with him, he gutted him + with a blow well planted in the middle of his stomach. Then he picked + up the viaticum again, saying bravely to it: "Ah! If I had relied upon + thy providence, we should have been lost." Now to utter these impious + words on the road to Sacche was mere waste of breath, seeing that he + addressed them not to God, but to the Archbishop of Tours, who have + once severely rebuked him, threatened him with suspension, and + admonished him before the Chapter for having publicly told certain + lazy people that a good harvest was not due to the grace of God, but + to skilled labour and hard work—a doctrine which smelt of the fagot. + And indeed he was wrong, because the fruits of the earth have need + both of one and the other; but he died in this heresy, for he could + never understand how crops could come without digging, if God so + willed it—a doctrine that learned men have since proved to be true, + by showing that formerly wheat grew very well without the aid of man. + I cannot leave this splendid model of a pastor without giving here one + of the acts of his life, which proves with what fervour he imitated + the saints in the division of their goods and mantles, which they gave + formerly to the poor and the passers-by. One day, returning from + Tours, where he had been paying his respects to the official, mounted + on his mule, he was nearing Azay. On the way, just out side Ballan, he + met a pretty girl on foot, and was grieved to see a woman travelling + like a dog; the more so as she was visibly fatigued, and could + scarcely raise one foot before the other. He whistled to her softly, + and the pretty wench turned round and stopped. The good priest, who + was too good a sportsman to frighten the birds, especially the hooded + ones, begged her so gently to ride behind him on his mule, and in so + polite a fashion, that the lass got up; not without making those + little excuses and grimaces that they all make when one invites them + to eat, or to take what they like. The sheep paired off with the + shepherd, the mule jogged along after the fashion of mules, while the + girl slipped now this way now that, riding so uncomfortably that the + priest pointed out to her, after leaving Ballan, that she had better + hold on to him; and immediately my lady put her plump arms around the + waist of her cavalier, in a modest and timorous manner. +</p> +<p> + "There, you don't slip about now. Are you comfortable?" said the + vicar. +</p> +<p> + "Yes, I am comfortable. Are you?" +</p> +<p> + "I?" said the priest, "I am better than that." +</p> +<p> + And, in fact, he was quite at his ease, and was soon gently warmed in + the back by two projections which rubbed against it, and at last + seemed as though they wished to imprint themselves between his + shoulder blades, which would have been a pity, as that was not the + place for this white merchandise. By degrees the movement of mule + brought into conjunction the internal warmth of these two good riders, + and their blood coursed more quickly through their veins, seeing that + it felt the motion of the mule as well as their own; and thus the good + wench and the vicar finished by knowing each other's thoughts, but not + those of the mule. When they were both acclimatised, he with her and + she with him, they felt an internal disturbance which resolved itself + into secret desires. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the vicar, turning round to his companion, "here is a fine + cluster of trees which has grown very thick." +</p> +<p> + "It is too near the road," replied the girl. "Bad boys have cut the + branches, and the cows have eaten the young leaves." +</p> +<p> + "Are you not married?" asked the vicar, trotting his animal again. +</p> +<p> + "No," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Not at all?" +</p> +<p> + "I'faith! No!" +</p> +<p> + "What a shame, at your age!" +</p> +<p> + "You are right, sir; but you see, a poor girl who has had a child is a + bad bargain." +</p> +<p> + Then the good vicar taking pity on such ignorance, and knowing that + the canons say among other things that pastors should indoctrinate + their flock and show them the duties and responsibilities of this + life, he thought he would only be discharging the functions of his + office by showing her the burden she would have one day to bear. Then + he begged her gently not be afraid, for if she would have faith in his + loyalty no one should ever know of the marital experiment which he + proposed then and there to perform with her; and as, since passing + Ballan the girl had thought of nothing else; as her desire had been + carefully sustained, and augmented by the warm movements of the + animal, she replied harshly to the vicar, "if you talk thus I will get + down." Then the good vicar continued his gentle requests so well that + on reaching the wood of Azay the girl wished to get down, and the + priest got down there too, for it was not across a horse that this + discussion could be finished. Then the virtuous maiden ran into the + thickest part of the wood to get away from the vicar, calling out, + "Oh, you wicked man, you shan't know where I am." +</p> +<p> + The mule arrived in a glade where the grass was good, the girl tumbled + down over a root and blushed. The good vicar came to her, and there as + he had rung the bell for mass he went through the service for her, and + both freely discounted the joys of paradise. The good priest had it in + his heart to thoroughly instruct her, and found his pupil very docile, + as gentle in mind as soft in the flesh, a perfect jewel. Therefore was + he much aggrieved at having so much abridged the lessons by giving it + at Azay, seeing that he would have been quite willing to recommence + it, like all of precentors who say the same thing over and over again + to their pupils. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! little one," cried the good man, "why did you make so much fuss + that we only came to an understanding close to Azay?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "I belong to Bellan." +</p> +<p> + To be brief, I must tell you that when this good man died in his + vicarage there was a great number of people, children and others, who + came, sorrowful, afflicted, weeping, and grieved, and all exclaimed, + "Ah! we have lost our father." And the girls, the widows, the wives + and little girls looked at each other, regretting him more than a + friend, and said, "He was more than a priest, he was a man!" Of these + vicars the seed is cast to the winds, and they will never be + reproduced in spite of the seminaries. +</p> +<p> + Why, even the poor, to whom his savings were left, found themselves + still the losers, and an old cripple whom he had succoured hobbled + into the churchyard, crying "I don't die! I don't!" meaning to say, + "Why did not death take me in his place?" This made some of the people + laugh, at which the shade of the good vicar would certainly not have + been displeased. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE REPROACH +</h2> +<p> + The fair laundress of Portillon-les-Tours, of whom a droll saying has + already been given in this book, was a girl blessed with as much + cunning as if she had stolen that of six priests and three women at + least. She did not want for sweethearts, and had so many that one + would have compared them, seeing them around her, to bees swarming of + an evening towards their hive. An old silk dyer, who lived in the Rue + St. Montfumier, and there possessed a house of scandalous + magnificence, coming from his place at La Grenadiere, situated on the + fair borders of St. Cyr, passed on horseback through Portillon in + order to gain the Bridge of Tours. By reason of the warmth of the + evening, he was seized with a wild desire on seeing the pretty + washerwoman sitting upon her door-step. Now as for a very long time he + had dreamed of this pretty maid, his resolution was taken to make her + his wife, and in a short time she was transformed from a washerwoman + into a dyer's wife, a good townswoman, with laces, fine linen, and + furniture to spare, and was happy in spite of the dyer, seeing that + she knew very well how to manage him. The good dyer had for a crony a + silk machinery manufacturer who was small in stature, deformed for + life, and full of wickedness. So on the wedding-day he said to the + dyer, "You have done well to marry, my friend, we shall have a pretty + wife!"; and a thousand sly jokes, such as it is usual to address to a + bridegroom. +</p> +<p> + In fact, this hunchback courted the dyer's wife, who from her nature, + caring little for badly built people, laughed to scorn the request of + the mechanician, and joked him about the springs, engines, and spools + of which his shop was full. However, this great love of the hunchback + was rebuffed by nothing, and became so irksome to the dyer's wife that + she resolved to cure it by a thousand practical jokes. One evening, + after the sempiternal pursuit, she told her lover to come to the back + door and towards midnight she would open everything to him. Now note, + this was on a winter's night; the Rue St. Montfumier is close to the + Loire, and in this corner there continually blow in winter, winds + sharp as a hundred needle-points. The good hunchback, well muffled up + in his mantle, failed not to come, and trotted up and down to keep + himself warm while waiting for the appointed hour. Towards midnight he + was half frozen, as fidgety as thirty-two devils caught in a stole, + and was about to give up his happiness, when a feeble light passed by + the cracks of the window and came down towards the little door. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, it is she!" said he. +</p> +<p> + And this hope warned him once more. Then he got close to the door, and + heard a little voice— +</p> +<p> + "Are you there?" said the dyer's wife to him. +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Cough, that I may see." +</p> +<p> + The hunchback began to cough. +</p> +<p> + "It is not you." +</p> +<p> + Then the hunchback said aloud— +</p> +<p> + "How do you mean, it is not I? Do you not recognise my voice? Open the + door!" +</p> +<p> + "Who's there?" said the dyer, opening the window. +</p> +<p> + "There, you have awakened my husband, who returned from Amboise + unexpectedly this evening." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the dyer, seeing by the light of the moon a man at the door, + threw a big pot of cold water over him, and cried out, "Thieves! + thieves!" in such a manner that the hunchback was forced to run away; + but in his fear he failed to clear the chain stretched across the + bottom of the road and fell into the common sewer, which the sheriff + had not then replaced by a sluice to discharge the mud into the Loire. + In this bath the mechanician expected every moment to breathe his + last, and cursed the fair Tascherette, for her husband's name being + Taschereau, she was so called by way of a little joke by the people of + Tours. +</p> +<p> + Carandas—for so was named the manufacturer of machines to weave, to + spin, to spool, and to wind the silk—was not sufficiently smitten to + believe in the innocence of the dyer's wife, and swore a devilish hate + against her. But some days afterwards, when he had recovered from his + wetting in the dyer's drain he came up to sup with his old comrade. + Then the dyer's wife reasoned with him so well, flavoured her words + with so much honey, and wheedled him with so many fair promises, that + he dismissed his suspicions. +</p> +<p> + He asked for a fresh assignation, and the fair Tascherette with the + face of a woman whose mind is dwelling on a subject, said to him, + "Come tomorrow evening; my husband will be staying some days at + Chinonceaux. The queen wishes to have some of her old dresses dyed and + would settle the colours with him. It will take some time." +</p> +<p> + Carandas put on his best clothes, failed not to keep the appointment, + appeared at the time fixed, and found a good supper prepared, + lampreys, wine of Vouvray, fine white napkins—for it was not + necessary to remonstrate with the dyer's wife on the colour of her + linen—and everything so well prepared that it was quite pleasant to + him to see the dishes of fresh eels, to smell the good odour of the + meats, and to admire a thousand little nameless things about the room, + and La Tascherette fresh and appetising as an apple on a hot day. Now, + the mechanician, excited to excess by these warm preparations, was on + the point of attacking the charms of the dyer's wife, when Master + Taschereau gave a loud knock at the street door. +</p> +<p> + "Ha!" said madame, "what has happened? Put yourself in the clothes + chest, for I have been much abused respecting you; and if my husband + finds you, he may undo you; he is so violent in his temper." +</p> +<p> + And immediately she thrust the hunchback into the chest, and went + quickly to her good husband, whom she knew well would be back from + Chinonceaux to supper. Then the dyer was kissed warmly on both his + eyes and on both his ears and he caught his good wife to him and + bestowed upon her two hearty smacks with his lips that sounded all + over the room. Then the pair sat down to supper, talked together and + finished by going to bed; and the mechanician heard all, though + obliged to remain crumpled up, and not to cough or to make a single + movement. He was in with the linen, crushed up as close as a sardine + in a box, and had about as much air as he would have had at the bottom + of a river; but he had, to divert him, the music of love, the sighs of + the dyer, and the little jokes of La Tascherette. At last, when he + fancied his old comrade was asleep, he made an attempt to get out of + the chest. +</p> +<p> + "Who is there?" said the dyer. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter my little one?" said his wife, lifting her nose + above the counterpane. +</p> +<p> + "I heard a scratching," said the good man. +</p> +<p> + "We shall have rain to-morrow; it's the cat," replied his wife. +</p> +<p> + The good husband put his head back upon the pillow after having been + gently embraced by his spouse. "There, my dear, you are a light + sleeper. It's no good trying to make a proper husband of you. There, + be good. Oh! oh! my little papa, your nightcap is on one side. There, + put it on the other way, for you must look pretty even when you are + asleep. There! are you all right?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Are you sleep?" said she, giving him a kiss. +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + In the morning the dyer's wife came softly and let out the + mechanician, who was whiter than a ghost. +</p> +<p> + "Give me air, give me air!" said he. +</p> +<p> + And away he ran cured of his love, but with as much hate in his heart + as a pocket could hold of black wheat. The said hunchback left Tours + and went to live in the town of Bruges, where certain merchants had + sent for him to arrange the machinery for making hauberks. +</p> +<p> + During his long absence, Carandas, who had Moorish blood in his veins, + since he was descended from an ancient Saracen left half dead after + the great battle which took place between the Moors and the French in + the commune of Bellan (which is mentioned in the preceding tale), in + which place are the Landes of Charlemagne, where nothing grows because + of the cursed wretches and infidels there interred, and where the + grass disagrees even with the cows—this Carandas never rose up or lay + down in a foreign land without thinking of how he could give strength + to his desires of vengeance; and he was dreaming always of it, and + wishing nothing less than the death of the fair washerwoman of + Portillon and often would cry out "I will eat her flesh! I will cook + one of her breasts, and swallow it without sauce!" It was a tremendous + hate of good constitution—a cardinal hate—a hate of a wasp or an old + maid. It was all known hates moulded into one single hate, which + boiled itself, concocted itself, and resolved self into an elixir of + wicked and diabolical sentiments, warmed at the fire of the most + flaming furnaces of hell—it was, in fact, a master hate. +</p> +<p> + Now one fine day, the said Carandas came back into Touraine with much + wealth, that he brought from the country of Flanders, where he had + sold his mechanical secrets. He bought a splendid house in Rue St. + Montfumier, which is still to be seen, and is the astonishment of the + passers-by, because it has certain very queer round humps fashioned + upon the stones of the wall. Carandas, the hater, found many notable + changes at the house of his friend, the dyer, for the good man had two + sweet children, who, by a curious chance, presented no resemblance + either to the mother or to the father. But as it is necessary that + children bear a resemblance to someone, there are certain people who + look for the features of their ancestors, when they are + good-looking—the flatters. So it was found by the good husband that + his two boys were like one of his uncles, formerly a priest at Notre + Dame de l'Egrignolles, but according to certain jokers, these two + children were the living portraits of a good-looking shaven crown + officiating in the Church of Notre Dame la Riche, a celebrated parish + situated between Tours and Plessis. Now, believe one thing, and + inculcate it upon your minds, and when in this book you shall only + have gleaned, gathered, extracted, and learned this one principle of + truth, look upon yourself as a lucky man—namely, that a man can never + dispense with his nose, id est, that a man will always be snotty—that + is to say, he will remain a man, and thus will continue throughout all + future centuries to laugh and drink, to find himself in his shirt + without feeling either better or worse there, and will have the same + occupations. But these preparatory ideas are to better to fix in the + understanding that this two-footed soul will always accept as true + those things which flatter his passions, caress his hates, or serve + his amours: from this comes logic. So it was that, the first day the + above-mentioned Carandas saw his old comrade's children, saw the + handsome priest, saw the beautiful wife of the dyer, saw La + Taschereau, all seated at the table, and saw to his detriment the best + piece of lamprey given with a certain air by La Tascherette to her + friend the priest, the mechanician said to himself, "My old friend is + a cuckold, his wife intrigues with the little confessor, and the + children have been begotten with his holy water. I'll show them that + the hunchbacks have something more than other men." +</p> +<p> + And this was true—true as it is that Tours has always had its feet in + the Loire, like a pretty girl who bathes herself and plays with the + water, making a flick-flack, by beating the waves with her fair white + hands; for the town is more smiling, merry, loving, fresh, flowery, + and fragrant than all the other towns of the world, which are not + worthy to comb her locks or to buckle her waistband. And be sure if + you go there you will find, in the centre of it, a sweet place, in + which is a delicious street where everyone promenades, where there is + always a breeze, shade, sun, rain, and love. Ha! ha! laugh away, but + go there. It is a street always new, always royal, always imperial—a + patriotic street, a street with two paths, a street open at both ends, + a wide street, a street so large that no one has ever cried, "Out of + the way!" there. A street which does not wear out, a street which + leads to the abbey of Grand-mont, and to a trench, which works very + well with the bridge, and at the end of which is a finer fair ground. + A street well paved, well built, well washed, as clean as a glass, + populous, silent at certain times, a coquette with a sweet nightcap on + its pretty blue tiles—to be short, it is the street where I was born; + it is the queen of streets, always between the earth and sky; a street + with a fountain; a street which lacks nothing to be celebrated among + streets; and, in fact, it is the real street, the only street of + Tours. If there are others, they are dark, muddy, narrow, and damp, + and all come respectfully to salute this noble street, which commands + them. Where am I? For once in this street no one cares to come out of + it, so pleasant it is. But I owed this filial homage, this descriptive + hymn sung from the heart to my natal street, at the corners of which + there are wanting only the brave figures of my good master Rabelais, + and of Monsieur Descartes, both unknown to the people of the country. + To resume: the said Carandas was, on his return from Flanders, + entertained by his comrade, and by all those by whom he was liked for + his jokes, his drollery, and quaint remarks. The good hunchback + appeared cured of his old love, embraced the children, and when he was + alone with the dyer's wife, recalled the night in the clothes-chest, + and the night in the sewer, to her memory, saying to her, "Ha, ha! + what games you used to have with me." +</p> +<p> + "It was your own fault," said she, laughing. "If you had allowed + yourself by reason of your great love to be ridiculed, made a fool of, + and bantered a few more times, you might have made an impression on + me, like the others." Thereupon Carandas commenced to laugh, though + inwardly raging all the time. Seeing the chest where he had nearly + been suffocated, his anger increased the more violently because the + sweet creature had become still more beautiful, like all those who are + permanently youthful from bathing in the water of youth, which waters + are naught less than the sources of love. The mechanician studied the + proceedings in the way of cuckoldom at his neighbour's house, in order + to revenge himself, for as many houses as there are so many varieties + of manner are there in this business; and although all amours resemble + each other in the same manner that all men resemble each other, it is + proved to the abstractors of true things, that for the happiness of + women, each love has its especial physiognomy, and if there is nothing + that resembles a man so much as a man, there is also nothing differs + from a man so much as a man. That it is, which confuses all things, or + explains the thousand fancies of women, who seek the best men with a + thousand pains and a thousand pleasures, perhaps more the one than the + other. But how can I blame them for their essays, changes, and + contradictory aims? Why, Nature frisks and wriggles, twists and turns + about, and you expect a woman to remain still! Do you know if ice is + really cold? No. Well then, neither do you know that cuckoldom is not + a lucky chance, the produce of brains well furnished and better made + than all the others. Seek something better than ventosity beneath the + sky. This will help to spread the philosophic reputation of this + eccentric book. Oh yes; go on. He who cries "vermin powder," is more + advanced than those who occupy themselves with Nature, seeing that she + is a proud jade and a capricious one, and only allows herself to be + seen at certain times. Do you understand? So in all languages does she + belong to the feminine gender, being a thing essentially changeable + and fruitful and fertile in tricks. +</p> +<p> + Now Carandas soon recognised the fact that among cuckoldoms the best + understood and the most discreet is ecclesiastical cuckoldom. This is + how the good dyer's wife had laid her plans. She went always towards + her cottage at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr on the eve of the Sabbath, + leaving her good husband to finish his work, to count up and check his + books, and to pay his workmen; then Taschereau would join her there on + the morrow, and always found a good breakfast ready and his good wife + gay, and always brought the priest with him. The fact is, this + damnable priest crossed the Loire the night before in a small boat, in + order to keep the dyer's wife warm, and to calm her fancies, in order + that she might sleep well during the night, a duty which young men + understand very well. Then this fine curber of phantasies got back to + his house in the morning by the time Taschereau came to invite him to + spend the day at La Grenadiere, and the cuckold always found the + priest asleep in his bed. The boatman being well paid, no one knew + anything of these goings on, for the lover journeyed the night before + after night fall, and on the Sunday in the early morning. As soon as + Carandas had verified the arrangement and constant practice of these + gallant diversions, he determined to wait for a day when the lovers + would meet, hungry one for the other, after some accidental + abstinence. This meeting took place very soon, and the curious + hunchback saw the boatman waiting below the square, at the Canal St. + Antoine, for the young priest, who was handsome, blonde, slender, and + well-shaped, like the gallant and cowardly hero of love, so celebrated + by Monsieur Ariosto. Then the mechanician went to find the old dyer, + who always loved his wife and always believed himself the only man who + had a finger in her pie. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! good evening, old friend," said Carandas to Taschereau; and + Taschereau made him a bow. +</p> +<p> + Then the mechanician relates to him all the secret festivals of love, + vomits words of peculiar import, and pricks the dyer on all sides. +</p> +<p> + At length, seeing he was ready to kill both his wife and the priest, + Carandas said to him, "My good neighbour, I had brought back from + Flanders a poisoned sword, which will instantly kill anyone, if it + only make a scratch upon him. Now, directly you shall have merely + touched your wench and her paramour, they will die." +</p> +<p> + "Let us go and fetch it," said the dyer. +</p> +<p> + Then the two merchants went in great haste to the house of the + hunchback, to get the sword and rush off to the country. +</p> +<p> + "But shall we find them in flagrante delicto?" asked Taschereau. +</p> +<p> + "You will see," said the hunchback, jeering his friend. In fact, the + cuckold had not long to wait to behold the joy of the two lovers. +</p> +<p> + The sweet wench and her well-beloved were busy trying to catch, in a + certain lake that you probably know, that little bird that sometimes + makes his nest there, and they were laughing and trying, and still + laughing. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, my darling!" said she, clasping him, as though she wished to make + an outline of him on her chest, "I love thee so much I should like to + eat thee! Nay, more than that, to have you in my skin, so that you + might never quit me." +</p> +<p> + "I should like it too," replied the priest, "but as you can't have me + altogether, you must try a little bit at a time." +</p> +<p> + It was at this moment that the husband entered, he sword unsheathed + and flourished above him. The beautiful Tascherette, who knew her + lord's face well, saw what would be the fate of her well-beloved the + priest. But suddenly she sprang towards the good man, half naked, her + hair streaming over her, beautiful with shame, but more beautiful with + love, and cried to him, "Stay, unhappy man! Wouldst thou kill the + father of thy children?" +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the good dyer staggered by the paternal majesty of + cuckoldom, and perhaps also by the fire of his wife's eyes, let the + sword fall upon the foot of the hunchback, who had followed him, and + thus killed him. +</p> +<p> + This teaches us not to be spiteful. +</p> +<a name="2H_EPIL"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + EPILOGUE +</h2> +<p> + Here endeth the first series of these Tales, a roguish sample of the + works of that merry Muse, born ages ago, in our fair land of Touraine, + the which Muse is a good wench, and knows by heart that fine saying of + her friend Verville, written in <i>Le Moyen de Parvenir</i>: It is only + necessary to be bold to obtain favours. Alas! mad little one, get thee + to bed again, sleep; thou art panting from thy journey; perhaps thou + hast been further than the present time. Now dry thy fair naked feet, + stop thine ears, and return to love. If thou dreamest other poesy + interwoven with laughter to conclude these merry inventions, heed not + the foolish clamour and insults of those who, hearing the carol of a + joyous lark of other days, exclaim: Ah, the horrid bird! +</p> + + +<div style="height: 6em;"><br><br><br><br><br><br></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Droll Stories, Volume 1, by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 1 *** + +***** This file should be named 1925-h.htm or 1925-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/1925/ + +Produced by Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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