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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/1925-h.zip b/1925-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f4a0f7b --- /dev/null +++ b/1925-h.zip diff --git a/1925-h/1925-h.htm b/1925-h/1925-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ee64147 --- /dev/null +++ b/1925-h/1925-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,7518 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> + +<title> + Droll Stories, + by Honore de Balzac +</title> + +<style type="text/css"> + <!-- + body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} + P { text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: .75em; + margin-bottom: .75em; } + H1,H2,H3,H4,H5,H6 { text-align: center; } + HR { width: 33%; text-align: center; } + blockquote {font-size: 97%; } + .figleft {float: left;} + .figright {float: right;} + .toc { margin-left: 15%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + CENTER { padding: 10px;} + PRE { font-family: Times; font-size: 97%; margin-left: 15%;} + // --> +</style> + +</head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Droll Stories, Volume 1, by Honore de Balzac + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Droll Stories, Volume 1 + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: August 23, 2004 [EBook #1925] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 1 *** + + + + +Produced by Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + + + + + +</pre> + + +<h1> + DROLL STORIES +</h1> +<h2> + COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE +</h2> + +<br><br> +<h2> + VOLUME I +</h2> +<br><br> + +<h2> + THE FIRST TEN TALES +</h2> + +<br><br> +<h3> + BY HONORE DE BALZAC +</h3> + + + +<br><br> +<hr> +<br><br> + +<h2>CONTENTS</h2> + + +<center> +<table summary=""> +<tr><td> + + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0003"> +TRANSLATORS PREFACE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0004"> +FIRST TEN TALES +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_PROL"> +PROLOGUE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0006"> +THE FAIR IMPERIA +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0007"> +THE VENIAL SIN +</a></p> + +<pre> + How The Good Man Bruyn Took A Wife + How The Seneschal Struggled With His Wife's Modesty + That Which Is Only A Venial Sin + How And By Whom The Said Child Was Procured + How The Said Love-Sin Was Repented Of And Led To Great Mourning +</pre> + +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0008"> +THE KING'S SWEETHEART +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0009"> +THE DEVIL'S HEIR +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0010"> +THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0011"> +THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0012"> +THE MAID OF THILOUSE +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0013"> +THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0014"> +THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_4_0015"> +THE REPROACH +</a></p> +<p class="toc"><a href="#2H_EPIL"> +EPILOGUE +</a></p> + + +</td></tr> +</table> +</center> + + +<a name="2H_4_0003"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + TRANSLATORS PREFACE +</h2> +<p> + When, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now famous <i>Contes + Drolatiques</i> was published by Gosselin of Paris, Balzac, in a short + preface, written in the publisher's name, replied to those attacks + which he anticipated certain critics would make upon his hardy + experiment. He claimed for his book the protection of all those to + whom literature was dear, because it was a work of art—and a work of + art, in the highest sense of the word, it undoubtedly is. Like + Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, Ariosto, and Verville, the + great author of <i>The Human Comedy</i> has painted an epoch. In the fresh + and wonderful language of the Merry Vicar Of Meudon, he has given us a + marvellous picture of French life and manners in the sixteenth + century. The gallant knights and merry dames of that eventful period + of French history stand out in bold relief upon his canvas. The + background in these life-like figures is, as it were, "sketched upon + the spot." After reading the <i>Contes Drolatiques</i>, one could almost find + one's way about the towns and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map + or guide. Not only is this book a work of art from its historical + information and topographical accuracy; its claims to that distinction + rest upon a broader foundation. Written in the nineteenth century in + imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it is a triumph of literary + archaeology. It is a model of that which it professes to imitate; the + production of a writer who, to accomplish it, must have been at once + historian, linguist, philosopher, archaeologist, and anatomist, and + each in no ordinary degree. In France, his work has long been regarded + as a classic—as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, + when kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies laughed + openly at stories and jokes which are considered disgraceful by their + more fastidious descendants. In England the difficulties of the + language employed, and the quaintness and peculiarity of its style, + have placed it beyond the reach of all but those thoroughly acquainted + with the French of the sixteenth century. Taking into consideration + the vast amount of historical information enshrined in its pages, the + archaeological value which it must always possess for the student, and + the dramatic interest of its stories, the translator has thought that + an English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre would be acceptable to + many. It has, of course, been impossible to reproduce in all its + vigour and freshness the language of the original. Many of the quips + and cranks and puns have been lost in the process of Anglicising. + These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer ventures to hope that he + has treated this great masterpiece in a reverent spirit, touched it + with no sacrilegious hand, but, on the contrary, given as close a + translation as the dissimilarities of the two languages permit. With + this idea, no attempt had been made to polish or round many of the + awkwardly constructed sentences which are characteristic of this + volume. Rough, and occasionally obscure, they are far more in keeping + with the spirit of the original than the polished periods of modern + romance. Taking into consideration the many difficulties which he has + had to overcome, and which those best acquainted with the French + edition will best appreciate, the translator claims the indulgence of + the critical reader for any shortcomings he may discover. The best + plea that can be offered for such indulgence is the fact that, + although <i>Les Contes Drolatiques</i> was completed and published in 1837, + the present is the first English version ever brought before the + public. +</p> +<p> + London, January, 1874 +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0004"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + FIRST TEN TALES +</h2> +<a name="2H_PROL"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + PROLOGUE +</h2> +<p> + This is a book of the highest flavour, full of right hearty merriment, + spiced to the palate of the illustrious and very precious tosspots and + drinkers, to whom our worthy compatriot, Francois Rabelais, the + eternal honour of Touraine, addressed himself. Be it nevertheless + understood, the author has no other desire than to be a good + Touranian, and joyfully to chronicle the merry doings of the famous + people of this sweet and productive land, more fertile in cuckolds, + dandies and witty wags than any other, and which has furnished a good + share of men of renown in France, as witness the departed Courier of + piquant memory; Verville, author of <i>Moyen de Parvenir</i>, and others + equally well known, among whom we will specially mention the Sieur + Descartes, because he was a melancholy genius, and devoted himself + more to brown studies than to drinks and dainties, a man of whom all + the cooks and confectioners of Tours have a wise horror, whom they + despise, and will not hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he live?" + if his name is mentioned. Now this work is the production of the + joyous leisure of good old monks, of whom there are many vestiges + scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr, in the village + of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at Marmoustiers, Veretz, Roche-Cobon, + and the certain storehouses of good stories, which storehouses are the + upper stories of old canons and wise dames, who remember the good old + days when they could enjoy a hearty laugh without looking to see if + their hilarity disturbed the sit of your ruffle, as do the young women + of the present day, who wish to take their pleasure gravely—a custom + which suits our Gay France as much as a water jug would the head of a + queen. Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and he has + sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without adding to them + by books, I have considered it a thing most patriotic to publish a + drachm of merriment for these times, when weariness falls like a fine + rain, wetting us, soaking into us, and dissolving those ancient + customs which make the people to reap public amusement from the + Republic. But of those old pantagruelists who allowed God and the king + to conduct their own affairs without putting of their finger in the + pie oftener than they could help, being content to look on and laugh, + there are very few left. They are dying out day by day in such manner + that I fear greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient + breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonoured, and + blamed, the which I should be loath to see, since I have and bear + great respect for the refuse of our Gallic antiquities. +</p> +<p> + Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, you scrapers-up of words, harpies + who mangle the intentions and inventions of everyone, that as children + only do we laugh, and as we travel onward laughter sinks down and dies + out, like the light of the oil-lit lamp. This signifies, that to laugh + you must be innocent, and pure of a heart, lacking which qualities you + purse your lips, drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after the manner + of men hiding vices and impurities. Take, then, this work as you would + take a group of statue, certain features of which an artist could + omit, and he would be the biggest of all big fools if he puts leaves + upon them, seeing that these said works are not, any more than is this + book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have taken care, much to + my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts the old words, which, in + spite of their age, were still strong, and which would have shocked + the ears, astonished the eyes, reddened the cheeks and sullied the + lips of trousered maidens, and Madame Virtue with three lovers; for + certain things must be done to suit the vices of the age, and a + periphrase is much more agreeable than the word. Indeed, we are old, + and find long trifles, better than the short follies of our youth, + because at that time our taste was better. Then spare me your + slanders, and read this rather at night than in the daytime and give + it not to young maidens, if there be any, because this book is + inflammable. I will now rid you of myself. But I fear nothing from + this book, since it is extracted from a high and splendid source, from + which all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply proved + by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the Holy Ghost, of the + Garter, of the Bath, and by many notable things which have been taken + therefrom, under shelter of which I place myself. +</p> +<p> + <i>Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gayly read with ease of body and + rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you if you disown me after + having read me.</i> +</p> +<p> + These words are those of our good Master Rabelais, before whom we must + also stand, hat in hand, in token of reverence and honour to him, + prince of all wisdom, and king of Comedy. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0006"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE FAIR IMPERIA +</h2> +<p> + The Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite when going to the + Council at Constance quite a good-looking little priest of Touraine + whose ways and manner of speech was so charming that he passed for a + son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of Tours had + willingly given him to his confrere for his journey to that town, + because it was usual for archbishops to make each other presents, they + well knowing how sharp are the itchings of theological palms. Thus + this young priest came to the Council and was lodged in the + establishment of his prelate, a man of good morals and great science. +</p> +<p> + Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave well and + worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this mysterious Council + many men leading a dissolute life and yet not making less, nay + —gaining more indulgences, gold crowns and benefices than all the + other virtuous and well-behaved ones. Now during one night—dangerous + to his virtue—the devil whispered into his ear that he should live + more luxuriously, since every one sucked the breasts of our Holy Mother + Church and yet they were not drained, a miracle which proved beyond + doubt the existence of God. And the priest of Touraine did not + disappoint the devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his + bellyful of roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do + so without paying for them as he was poor. As he remained quite + continent (in which he followed the example of the poor old archbishop + who sinned no longer because he was unable to, and passed for a + saint,) he had to suffer from intolerable desires followed by fits of + melancholy, since there were so many sweet courtesans, well developed, + but cold to the poor people, who inhabited Constance, to enlighten the + understanding of the Fathers of the Council. He was savage that he did + not know how to make up to these gallant sirens, who snubbed + cardinals, abbots, councillors, legates, bishops, princes and + margraves just as if they have been penniless clerks. And in the + evening, after prayers, he would practice speaking to them, teaching + himself the breviary of love. He taught himself to answer all possible + questions, but on the morrow if by chance he met one of the aforesaid + princesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted by her proud + and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed, like a dog in the act + of catching flies, at the sight of sweet countenance that so much + inflamed him. The secretary of a Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, + having clearly explained to him that the Fathers, procureurs, and + auditors of the Rota bought by certain presents, not relics or + indulgences, but jewels and gold, the favour of being familiar with + the best of these pampered cats who lived under the protection of the + lords of the Council; the poor Touranian, all simpleton and innocent + as he was, treasured up under his mattress the money given him by the + good archbishop for writings and copying—hoping one day to have + enough just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting to God for the + rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a man about as + much as a goat with a night-dress on resembles a young lady, but + prompted by his desires he wandered in the evenings through the + streets of Constance, careless of his life, and, at the risk of having + his body halberded by the soldiers, he peeped at the cardinals + entering the houses of their sweethearts. Then he saw the wax-candles + lighted in the houses and suddenly the doors and the windows closed. + Then he heard the blessed abbots or others jumping about, drinking, + enjoying themselves, love-making, singing <i>Alleluia</i> and applauding the + music with which they were being regaled. The kitchen performed + miracles, the Offices said were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet + little hams, the Vespers luscious mouthful, and the Lauhes delicate + sweetmeats, and after their little carouses, these brave priests were + silent, their pages diced upon the stairs, their mules stamped + restively in the streets; everything went well—but faith and religion + was there. That is how it came to pass the good man Huss was burned. + And the reason? He put his finger in the pie without being asked. Then + why was he a Huguenot before the others? +</p> +<p> + To return, however to our sweet little Philippe, not unfrequently did + he receive many a thump and hard blow, but the devil sustained him, + inciting him to believe that sooner or later it would come to his turn + to play the cardinal to some lovely dame. This ardent desire gave him + the boldness of a stag in autumn, so much so that one evening he + quietly tripped up the steps and into one of the first houses in + Constance where often he had seen officers, seneschals, valets, and + pages waiting with torches for their masters, dukes, kings, cardinals + and archbishops. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said he, "she must be very beautiful and amiable, this one." +</p> +<p> + A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him to belong to + the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had just left, and that he + was going to deliver a message on behalf of the above-mentioned + nobleman. Philippe de Mala mounted the stairs as lightly as a + greyhound in love, and was guided by delectable odour of perfume to + certain chamber where, surrounded by her handmaidens, the lady of the + house was divesting herself of her attire. He stood quite dumbfounded + like a thief surprised by sergeants. The lady was without petticoat or + head-dress. The chambermaid and the servants, busy taking off her + stockings and undressing her, so quickly and dextrously had her + stripped, that the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long Ah! which had + the flavour of love about it. +</p> +<p> + "What want <i>you</i>, little one?" said the lady to him. +</p> +<p> + "To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes upon her. +</p> +<p> + "You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to be rid of him. +</p> +<p> + To which Philippe replied, blushing, "I will not fail." +</p> +<p> + Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motionless, stood quite + at his ease, letting wander over her his eyes that glowed and sparkled + with the flame of love. What lovely thick hair hung upon her ivory + white back, showing sweet white places, fair and shining between the + many tresses! She had upon her snow-white brow a ruby circlet, less + fertile in rays of fire than her black eyes, still moist with tears + from her hearty laugh. She even threw her slipper at a statue gilded + like a shrine, twisting herself about from very ribaldry and allowed + her bare foot, smaller than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening + she was in a good humour, otherwise she would have had the little + shaven-crop put out by the window without more ado than her first + bishop. +</p> +<p> + "He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of her handmaids. +</p> +<p> + "Where does he comes from?" asked another. +</p> +<p> + "Poor child!" cried Madame, "his mother must be looking for him. Show + him his way home." +</p> +<p> + The Touranian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight at the sight + of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was about to repose. This + glance, full of amorous intelligence, awoke the lady's fantasy, who, + half laughing and half smitten, repeated "To-morrow," and dismissed + him with a gesture which the Pope Jehan himself would have obeyed, + especially as he was like a snail without a shell, since the Council + had just deprived him of the holy keys. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed into an amorous + desire," said one of her women; and the chuckles commenced again thick + as hail. +</p> +<p> + Philippe went his way, bumping his head against a wall like a hooded + rook as he was. So giddy had he become at the sight of this creature, + even more enticing than a siren rising from the water. He noticed the + animals carved over the door and returned to the house of the + archbishop with his head full of diabolical longings and his entrails + sophisticated. +</p> +<p> + Once in his little room he counted his coins all night long, but could + make no more than four of them; and as that was all his treasure, he + counted upon satisfying the fair one by giving her all he had in the + world. +</p> +<p> + "What is it ails you?" said the good archbishop, uneasy at the groans + and "oh! ohs!" of his clerk. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my Lord," answered the poor priest, "I am wondering how it is + that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so heavily upon my heart." +</p> +<p> + "Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his breviary which he + was reading for others—the good man. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Mother of God! You will scold me, I know, my good master, my + protector, because I have seen the lady of a cardinal at the least, + and I am weeping because I lack more than one crown to enable me to + convert her." +</p> +<p> + The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he had above his + nose, said not a word. Then the very humble priest trembled in his + skin to have confessed so much to his superior. But the holy man + directly said to him, "She must be very dear then—" +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said he, "she has swallowed many a mitre and stolen many a + cross." +</p> +<p> + "Well, Philippe, if thou will renounce her, I will present thee with + thirty angels from the poor-box." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the lad, + emboldened by the treat he promised himself. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Philippe," said the good prelate, "thou wilt then go to the devil + and displease God, like all our cardinals," and the master, with + sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the patron saint of Innocents, to + save his servant. He made him kneel down beside him, telling him to + recommend himself also to St. Philippe, but the wretched priest + implored the saint beneath his breath to prevent him from failing if + on the morrow that the lady should receive him kindly and mercifully; + and the good archbishop, observing the fervour of his servant, cried + out him, "Courage little one, and Heaven will exorcise thee." +</p> +<p> + On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the Council against + the shameless behaviour of the apostles of Christianity, Philippe de + Mala spent his angels—acquired with so much labour—in perfumes, + baths, fomentations, and other fooleries. He played the fop so well, + one would have thought him the fancy cavalier of a gay lady. He + wandered about the town in order to find the residence of his heart's + queen; and when he asked the passers-by to whom belonged the aforesaid + house, they laughed in his face, saying— +</p> +<p> + "Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard of La Belle + Imperia?" +</p> +<p> + He was very much afraid he and his angels were gone to the devil when + he heard the name, and knew into what a nice mess he had voluntarily + fallen. +</p> +<p> + Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in the world, + although she passed for the most dazzling and the beautiful, and the + one who best understood the art of bamboozling cardinals and softening + the hardiest soldiers and oppressors of the people. She had brave + captains, archers, and nobles, ready to serve her at every turn. She + had only to breathe a word, and the business of anyone who had + offended her was settled. A free fight only brought a smile to her + lips, and often the Sire de Baudricourt—one of the King's Captains + —would ask her if there were any one he could kill for her that day + —a little joke at the expense of the abbots. With the exception of the + potentates among the high clergy with whom Madame Imperia managed to + accommodate her little tempers, she ruled everyone with a high hand in + virtue of her pretty babble and enchanting ways, which enthralled the + most virtuous and the most unimpressionable. Thus she lived beloved + and respected, quite as much as the real ladies and princesses, and + was called Madame, concerning which the good Emperor Sigismund replied + to a lady who complained of it to him, "That they, the good ladies, + might keep to their own proper way and holy virtues, and Madame + Imperia to the sweet naughtiness of the goddess Venus"—Christian + words which shocked the good ladies, to their credit be it said. +</p> +<p> + Philippe, then thinking over it in his mind that which on the + preceding evening he had seen with his eyes, doubted if more did not + remain behind. Then was he sad, and without taking bite or sup, + strolled about the town waiting the appointed hour, although he was + well-favoured and gallant enough to find others less difficult to + overcome than was Madame Imperia. +</p> +<p> + The night came; the little Touranian, exalted with pride caparisoned + with desire, and spurred by his "alacks" and "alases" which nearly + choked him, glided like an eel into the domicile of the veritable + Queen of the Council—for before her bowed humbly all the authority, + science, and wisdom of Christianity. The major domo did not know him, + and was going to bundle him out again, when one of the chamber-women + called him from the top of the stairs—"Eh, M. Imbert, it is Madame's + young fellow," and poor Philippe, blushing like a wedding night, ran + up the stairs, shaking with happiness and delight. The servant took + him by the hand and led into the chamber where sat Madame, lightly + attired like a brave woman who awaits her conqueror. +</p> +<p> + The dazzling Imperia was seated near a table covered with a shaggy + cloth ornamented with gold, and with all the requisites for a dainty + carouse. Flagons of wine, various drinking glasses, bottles of the + hippocras, flasks full of good wine of Cyprus, pretty boxes full of + spices, roast peacocks, green sauces, little salt hams—all that would + gladden the eyes of the gallant if he had not so madly loved Madame + Imperia. +</p> +<p> + She saw well that the eyes of the young priest were all for her. + Although accustomed to the curl-paper devotion of the churchmen, she + was well satisfied that she had made a conquest of the young priest + who all day long had been in her head. +</p> +<p> + The windows had been closed; Madame was decked out in a manner fit to + do honours to a prince of the Empire. Then the rogue, beatified by the + holy beauty of Imperia, knew that Emperor, burgraf, nay, even a + cardinal about to be elected pope, would willingly for that night have + changed places with him, a little priest who, beneath his gown, had + only the devil and love. +</p> +<p> + He put on a lordly air, and saluted her with a courtesy by no means + ungraceful; and then the sweet lady said to him, regaling with a + piercing glance— +</p> +<p> + "Come and sit close to me, that I may see if you have altered since + yesterday." +</p> +<p> + "Oh yes," said he. +</p> +<p> + "And how?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Yesterday," replied the artful fellow, "I loved you; today, we love + each other, and from a poor sinner I have become richer than a king." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, little one, little one!" cried she, merrily; "yes, you are indeed + changed, for from a young priest I see well you have turned into an + old devil." +</p> +<p> + And side by side they sat down before a large fire, which helped to + spread their ecstasy around. They remained always ready to begin + eating, seeing that they only thought of gazing into each other's + eyes, and never touched a dish. Just as they were beginning to feel + comfortable and at their ease, there came a great noise at Madame's + door, as if people were beating against it, and crying out. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," cried the little servant hastily, "here's another of them." +</p> +<p> + "Who is it?" cried she in a haughty manner, like a tyrant, savage at + being interrupted. +</p> +<p> + "The Bishop of Coire wishes to speak with you." +</p> +<p> + "May the devil take him!" said she, looking at Philippe gently. +</p> +<p> + "Madame he has seen the light through the chinks, and is making a + great noise." +</p> +<p> + "Tell him I have the fever, and you will be telling him no lie, for I + am ill of this little priest who is torturing my brain." +</p> +<p> + But just as she had finished speaking, and was pressing with devotion + the hand of Philippe who trembled in his skin, appeared the fat Bishop + of Coire, indignant and angry. The officers followed him, bearing a + trout canonically dressed, fresh from the Rhine, and shining in a + golden platter, and spices contained in little ornamental boxes, and a + thousand dainties, such as liqueurs and jams, made by the holy nuns at + his Abbey. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah!" said he, with his deep voice, "I haven't time to go to the + devil, but you must give me a touch of him in advance, eh! my little + one." +</p> +<p> + "Your belly will one day make a nice sheath for a sword," replied she, + knitting her brows above her eyes, which from being soft and gentle + had become mischievous enough to make one tremble. +</p> +<p> + "And this little chorus singer is here to offer that?" said the + bishop, insolently turning his great rubicund face towards Philippe. +</p> +<p> + "Monseigneur, I'm here to confess Madame." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh, do you not know the canons? To confess the ladies at this + time of night is a right reserved to bishops, so take yourself off; go + and herd with simple monks, and never come back here again under pain + of excommunication." +</p> +<p> + "Do not move," cried the blushing Imperia, more lovely with passion + than she was with love, because now she was possessed both with + passion and love. "Stop, my friend. Here you are in your own house." + Then he knew that he was really loved by her. +</p> +<p> + "It is it not in the breviary, and an evangelical regulation, that you + should be equal with God in the valley of Jehoshaphat?" asked she of + the bishop. +</p> +<p> + "'Tis is an invention of the devil, who has adulterated the holy + book," replied the great numskull of a bishop in a hurry to fall to. +</p> +<p> + "Well then, be equal now before me, who am here below your goddess," + replied Imperia, "otherwise one of these days I will have you + delicately strangled between the head and shoulders; I swear it by the + power of my tonsure which is as good as the pope's." And wishing that + the trout should be added to the feast as well as the sweets and other + dainties, she added, cunningly, "Sit you down and drink with us." But + the artful minx, being up to a trick or two, gave the little one a + wink which told him plainly not to mind the German, whom she would + soon find a means to be rid of. +</p> +<p> + The servant-maid seated the Bishop at the table, and tucked him up, + while Philippe, wild with rage that closed his mouth, because he saw + his plans ending in smoke, gave the archbishop to more devils than + ever were monks alive. Thus they got halfway through the repast, which + the young priest had not yet touched, hungering only for Imperia, near + whom he was already seated, but speaking that sweet language which the + ladies so well understand, that has neither stops, commas, accents, + letters, figures, characters, notes, nor images. The fat bishop, + sensual and careful enough of the sleek, ecclesiastical garment of + skin for which he was indebted to his late mother, allowed himself to + be plentifully served with hippocras by the delicate hand of Madame, + and it was just at his first hiccough that the sound of an approaching + cavalcade was heard in the street. The number of horses, the "Ho, ho!" + of the pages, showed plainly that some great prince hot with love, was + about to arrive. In fact, a moment afterwards the Cardinal of Ragusa, + against whom the servants of Imperia had not dared to bar the door, + entered the room. At this terrible sight the poor courtesan and her + young lover became ashamed and embarrassed, like fresh cured lepers; + for it would be tempting the devil to try and oust the cardinal, the + more so as at that time it was not known who would be pope, three + aspirants having resigned their hoods for the benefit of Christianity. + The cardinal, who was a cunning Italian, long bearded, a great + sophist, and the life and soul of the Council, guessed, by the + feeblest exercise of the faculties of his understanding, the alpha and + omega of the adventure. He only had to weigh in his mind one little + thought before he knew how to proceed in order to be able to + hypothecate his manly vigour. He arrived with the appetite of a hungry + monk, and to obtain its satisfaction he was just the man to stab two + monks and sell his bit of the true cross, which were wrong. +</p> +<p> + "Hulloa! friend," said he to Philippe, calling him towards him. The + poor Tourainian, more dead than alive, and expecting the devil was + about to interfere seriously with his arrangements, rose and said, + "What is it?" to the redoubtable cardinal. +</p> +<p> + He taking him by the arm led him to the staircase, looked him in the + white of the eye and said without any nonsense—"Ventredieu! You are a + nice little fellow, and I should not like to have to let your master + know the weight of your carcass. My revenge might cause me certain + pious expenses in my old age, so choose to espouse an abbey for the + remainder of your days, or to marry Madame to-night and die tomorrow." +</p> +<p> + The poor little Tourainian in despair murmured, "May I come back when + your passion is over?" +</p> +<p> + The cardinal could scarcely keep his countenance, but he said sternly, + "Choose the gallows or a mitre." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the priest, maliciously; "a good fat abbey." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the cardinal went back into the room, opened an escritoire, + and scribbled upon a piece of parchment an order to the envoy of + France. +</p> +<p> + "Monseigneur," said the Tourainian to him while he was spelling out + the order, "you will not get rid of the Bishop of Coire so easily as + you have got rid of me, for he has as many abbeys as the soldiers have + drinking shops in the town; besides, he is in the favour of his lord. + Now I fancy to show you my gratitude for this so fine Abbey I owe you + good piece of advice. You know how fatal has been and how rapidly + spread this terrible pestilence which has cruelly harassed Paris. Tell + him that you have just left the bedside of your old friend the + Archbishop of Bordeaux; thus you will make him scutter away like straw + before a whirl-wind. +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh!" cried the cardinal, "thou meritest more than an abbey. Ah, + Ventredieu! my young friend, here are 100 golden crowns for thy + journey to the Abbey of Turpenay, which I won yesterday at cards, and + of which I make you a free gift." +</p> +<p> + Hearing these words, and seeing Philippe de Mala disappear without + giving her the amorous glances she expected, the beautiful Imperia, + puffing like a dolphin, denounced all the cowardice of the priest. She + was not then a sufficiently good Catholic to pardon her lover + deceiving her, by not knowing how to die for her pleasure. Thus the + death of Philippe was foreshadowed in the viper's glance she cast at + him to insult him, which glance pleased the cardinal much, for the + wily Italian saw he would soon get his abbey back again. The + Touranian, heeding not the brewing storm avoided it by walking out + silently with his ears down, like a wet dog being kicked out of a + Church. Madame drew a sigh from her heart. She must have had her own + ideas of humanity for the little value she held in it. The fire which + possessed her had mounted to her head, and scintillated in rays about + her, and there was good reason for it, for this was the first time + that she had been humbugged by priest. Then the cardinal smiled, + believing it was all to his advantage: was not he a cunning fellow? + Yes, he was the possessor of a red hat. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah! my friend," said he to the Bishop, "I congratulate myself on + being in your company, and I am glad to have been able to get rid of + that little wretch unworthy of Madame, the more so as if you had gone + near him, my lovely and amiable creature, you would have perished + miserably through the deed of a simple priest." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! How?" +</p> +<p> + "He is the secretary of the Archbishop of Bordeaux. The good man was + seized this morning with the pestilence." +</p> +<p> + The bishop opened his mouth wide enough to swallow a Dutch cheese. +</p> +<p> + "How do you know that?" asked he. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the cardinal, taking the good German's hand, "I have just + administered to him, and consoled him; at this moment the holy man has + a fair wind to waft him to paradise." +</p> +<p> + The Bishop of Coire demonstrated immediately how light fat man are; + for when men are big-bellied, a merciful providence, in the + consideration of their works, often makes their internal tubes as + elastic as balloons. The aforesaid bishop sprang backwards with one + bound, burst into a perspiration and coughed like a cow who finds + feathers mixed with her hay. Then becoming suddenly pale, he rushed + down the stairs without even bidding Madame adieu. When the door had + closed upon the bishop, and he was fairly in the street, the Cardinal + of Ragusa began laughing fit to split his sides. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my fair one, am I not worthy to be Pope, and better than that, + thy lover this evening?" +</p> +<p> + But seeing Imperia thoughtful he approached her to take her in his + arms, and pet her after the usual fashion of cardinals, men who + embrace better than all others, even the soldiers, because they are + lazy, and do not spare their essential properties. +</p> +<p> + "Ha!" said she, drawing back, "you wish to cause my death, you + ecclesiastical idiot. The principal thing for you is to enjoy + yourself; my sweet carcass, a thing accessory. Your pleasure will be + my death, and then you'll canonise me perhaps? Ah, you have the + plague, and you would give it to me. Go somewhere else, you brainless + priest. Ah! touch me not," said she, seeing him about to advance, "or + I will stab you with this dagger." +</p> +<p> + And the clever hussy drew from her armoire a little dagger, which she + knew how to use with great skill when necessary. +</p> +<p> + "But my little paradise, my sweet one," said the other, laughing, + "don't you see the trick? Wasn't it necessary to be get rid of that + old bullock of Coire?" +</p> +<p> + "Well then, if you love me, show it" replied she. "I desire that you + leave me instantly. If you are touched with the disease my death will + not worry you. I know you well enough to know at what price you will + put a moment of pleasure at your last hour. You would drown the earth. + Ah, ah! you have boasted of it when drunk. I love only myself, my + treasures, and my health. Go, and if tomorrow your veins are not + frozen by the disease, you can come again. Today, I hate you, good + cardinal," said she, smiling. +</p> +<p> + "Imperia!" cried the cardinal on his knees, "my blessed Imperia, do + not play with me thus." +</p> +<p> + "No," said she, "I never play with blessed and sacred things." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! ribald woman, I will excommunicate thee tomorrow." +</p> +<p> + "And now you are out of your cardinal sense." +</p> +<p> + "Imperia, cursed daughter of Satan! Oh, my little beauty—my love—!" +</p> +<p> + "Respect yourself more. Don't kneel to me, fie for shame!" +</p> +<p> + "Wilt thou have a dispensation in articulo mortis? Wilt thou have my + fortune—or better still, a bit of the veritable true Cross?—Wilt + thou?" +</p> +<p> + "This evening, all the wealth of heaven above and earth beneath would + not buy my heart," said she, laughing. "I should be the blackest of + sinners, unworthy to receive the Blessed Sacrament if I had not my + little caprices." +</p> +<p> + "I'll burn the house down. Sorceress, you have bewitched me. You shall + perish at the stake. Listen to me, my love,—my gentle Dove—I promise + you the best place in heaven. Eh? No. Death to you then—death to the + sorceress." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh! I will kill you, Monseigneur." +</p> +<p> + And the cardinal foamed with rage. +</p> +<p> + "You are making a fool of yourself," said she. "Go away, you'll tire + yourself." +</p> +<p> + "I shall be pope, and you shall pay for this!" +</p> +<p> + "Then you are no longer disposed to obey me?" +</p> +<p> + "What can I do this evening to please you?" +</p> +<p> + "Get out." +</p> +<p> + And she sprang lightly like a wagtail into her room, and locked + herself in, leaving the cardinal to storm that he was obliged to go. + When the fair Imperia found herself alone, seated before the fire, and + without her little priest, she exclaimed, snapping angrily the gold + links of her chain, "By the double triple horn on the devil, if the + little one has made me have this row with the Cardinal, and exposed me + to the danger of being poisoned tomorrow, unless I pay him over to my + heart's content, I will not die till I have seen him burned alive + before my eyes. Ah!" said she, weeping, this time real tears, "I lead + a most unhappy life, and the little pleasure I have costs me the life + of a dog, let alone my salvation." +</p> +<p> + As she finished this jeremiad, wailing like a calf that is being + slaughtered, she beheld the blushing face of the young priest, who had + hidden himself, peeping at her from behind her large Venetian mirror. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "Thou art the most perfect monk that ever dwelt in + this blessed and amorous town of Constance. Ah, ah! Come my gentle + cavalier, my dear boy, my little charm, my paradise of delectation, + let me drink thine eyes, eat thee, kill thee with my love. Oh! my + ever-flourishing, ever-green, sempiternal god; from a little monk I + would make a king, emperor, pope, and happier than either. There, thou + canst put anything to fire and sword, I am thine, and thou shalt see + it well; for thou shalt be all a cardinal, even when to redden thy + hood I shed all my heart's blood." And with her trembling hands all + joyously she filled with Greek wine the golden cup, brought by the + Bishop of Coire, and presented it to her sweetheart, whom she served + upon her knee, she whose slipper princes found more to their taste + than that of the pope. +</p> +<p> + But he gazed at her in silence, with his eye so lustrous with love, + that she said to him, trembling with joy "Ah! be quiet, little one. + Let us have supper." +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0007"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE VENIAL SIN +</h2> +<center> + HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE. +</center> +<p> + Messire Bruyn, he who completed the Castle of Roche-Corbon-les-Vouvray, + on the banks of the Loire, was a boisterous fellow in his + youth. When quite little, he squeezed young ladies, turned the house + out of windows, and played the devil with everything, when he was + called upon to put his Sire the Baron of Roche-Corbon some few feet + under the turf. Then he was his own master, free to lead a life of + wild dissipation, and indeed he worked very hard to get a surfeit of + enjoyment. Now by making his crowns sweat and his goods scarce, + draining his land, and a bleeding his hogsheads, and regaling frail + beauties, he found himself excommunicated from decent society, and had + for his friends only the plunderers of towns and the Lombardians. But + the usurers turned rough and bitter as chestnut husks, when he had no + other security to give them than his said estate of Roche-Corbon, + since the Rupes Carbonis was held from our Lord the king. Then Bruyn + found himself just in the humour to give a blow here and there, to + break a collar-bone or two, and quarrel with everyone about trifles. + Seeing which, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, his neighbour, and a man + liberal with his advice, told him that it was an evident sign of + lordly perfection, that he was walking in the right road, but if he + would go and slaughter, to the great glory of God, the Mahommedans who + defiled the Holy Land, it would be better still, and that he would + undoubtedly return full of wealth and indulgences into Touraine, or + into Paradise, whence all barons formerly came. +</p> +<p> + The said Bruyn, admiring the great sense of the prelate, left the + country equipped by the monastery, and blessed by the abbot, to the + great delight of his friends and neighbours. Then he put to the sack + enough many towns of Asia and Africa, and fell upon the infidels + without giving them warning, burning the Saracens, the Greeks, the + English, and others, caring little whether they were friends or + enemies, or where they came from, since among his merits he had that + of being in no way curious, and he never questioned them until after + he had killed them. At this business, agreeable to God, to the King + and to himself, Bruyn gained renown as a good Christian and loyal + knight, and enjoyed himself thoroughly in these lands beyond the seas, + since he more willingly gave a crown to the girls than to the poor, + although he met many more poor people than perfect maids; but like a + good Touranian he made soup of anything. At length, when he was + satiated with the Turks, relics, and other blessings of the Holy Land, + Bruyn, to the great astonishment of the people of Vouvrillons, + returned from the Crusades laden with crowns and precious stones; + rather differently from some who, rich when they set out, came back + heavy with leprosy, but light with gold. On his return from Tunis, our + Lord, King Philippe, made him a Count, and appointed him his seneschal + in our country and that of Poitou. There he was greatly beloved and + properly thought well of, since over and above his good qualities he + founded the Church of the Carmes-Deschaulx, in the parish of + Egrignolles, as the peace-offering to Heaven for the follies of his + youth. Thus was he cardinally consigned to the good graces of the + Church and of God. From a wicked youth and reckless man, he became a + good, wise man, and discreet in his dissipations and pleasures; rarely + was in anger, unless someone blasphemed God before him, the which he + would not tolerate because he had blasphemed enough for every one in + his wild youth. In short, he never quarrelled, because, being + seneschal, people gave up to him instantly. It is true that he at that + time beheld all his desires accomplished, the which would render even + an imp of Satan calm and tranquil from his horns to his heels. And + besides this he possessed a castle all jagged at the corners, and + shaped and pointed like a Spanish doublet, situated upon a bank from + which it was reflected in the Loire. In the rooms were royal + tapestries, furniture, Saracen pomps, vanities, and inventions which + were much admired by people of Tours, and even by the archbishop and + clerks of St. Martin, to whom he sent as a free gift a banner fringed + with fine gold. In the neighbourhood of the said castle abounded fair + domains, wind-mills, and forests, yielding a harvest of rents of all + kinds, so that he was one of the strongest knights-banneret of the + province, and could easily have led to battle for our lord the king a + thousand men. In his old days, if by chance his bailiff, a diligent + man at hanging, brought before him a poor peasant suspected of some + offence, he would say, smiling— +</p> +<p> + "Let this one go, Brediff, he will count against those I + inconsiderately slaughtered across the seas"; oftentimes, however, he + would let them bravely hang on a chestnut tree or swing on his + gallows, but this was solely that justice might be done, and that the + custom should not lapse in his domain. Thus the people on his lands + were good and orderly, like fresh veiled nuns, and peaceful since he + protected them from the robbers and vagabonds whom he never spared, + knowing by experience how much mischief is caused by these cursed + beasts of prey. For the rest, most devout, finishing everything + quickly, his prayers as well as good wine, he managed the processes + after the Turkish fashion, having a thousand little jokes ready for + the losers, and dining with them to console them. He had all the + people who had been hanged buried in consecrated ground like godly + ones, some people thinking they had been sufficiently punished by + having their breath stopped. He only persecuted the Jews now and then, + and when they were glutted with usury and wealth. He let them gather + their spoil as the bees do honey, saying that they were the best of + tax-gatherers. And never did he despoil them save for the profit and + use of the churchmen, the king, the province, or himself. +</p> +<p> + This jovial way gained for him the affection and esteem of every one, + great and small. If he came back smiling from his judicial throne, the + Abbot of Marmoustiers, an old man like himself, would say, "Ho, ha! + messire, there is some hanging on since you laugh thus!" And when + coming from Roche-Corbon to Tours he passed on horseback along the + Fauborg St. Symphorien, the little girls would say, "Ah! this is the + justice day, there is the good man Bruyn," and without being afraid + they would look at him astride on a big white hack, that he had + brought back with him from the Levant. On the bridge the little boys + would stop playing with the ball, and would call out, "Good day, Mr. + Seneschal" and he would reply, jokingly, "Enjoy yourselves, my + children, until you get whipped." "Yes, Mr. Seneschal." +</p> +<p> + Also he made the country so contented and so free from robbers that + during the year of the great over-flowing of the Loire there were only + twenty-two malefactors hanged that winter, not counting a Jew burned + in the Commune of Chateau-Neuf for having stolen a consecrated wafer, + or bought it, some said, for he was very rich. +</p> +<p> + One day, in the following year about harvest time, or mowing time, as + we say in Touraine, there came Egyptians, Bohemians, and other + wandering troupes who stole the holy things from the Church of St. + Martin, and in the place and exact situation of Madam the Virgin, left + by way of insult and mockery to our Holy Faith, an abandoned pretty + little girl, about the age of an old dog, stark naked, an acrobat, and + of Moorish descent like themselves. For this almost nameless crime it + was equally decided by the king, people, and the churchmen that the + Mooress, to pay for all, should be burned and cooked alive in the + square near the fountain where the herb market is. Then the good man + Bruyn clearly and dextrously demonstrated to the others that it would + be a thing most profitable and pleasant to God to gain over this + African soul to the true religion, and if the devil were lodged in + this feminine body the faggots would be useless to burn him, as said + the said order. To which the archbishop sagely thought most canonical + and conformable to Christian charity and the gospel. The ladies of the + town and other persons of authority said loudly that they were cheated + of a fine ceremony, since the Mooress was crying her eyes out in the + jail and would certainly be converted to God in order to live as long + as a crow, if she were allowed to do so, to which the seneschal + replied that if the foreigner would wholly commit herself to the + Christian religion there would be a gallant ceremony of another kind, + and that he would undertake that it should be royally magnificent, + because he would be her sponsor at the baptismal font, and that a + virgin should be his partner in the affair in order the better to + please the Almighty, while himself was reputed never to have lost the + bloom or innocence, in fact to be a coquebin. In our country of + Touraine thus are called the young virgin men, unmarried or so + esteemed to distinguish them from the husbands and the widowers, but + the girls always pick them without the name, because they are more + light-hearted and merry than those seasoned in marriage. +</p> +<p> + The young Mooress did not hesitate between the flaming faggots and the + baptismal water. She much preferred to be a Christian and live than be + Egyptian and be burned; thus to escape a moment's baking, her heart + would burn unquenched through all her life, since for the greater + surety of her religion she was placed in the convent of nuns near + Chardonneret, where she took the vow of sanctity. The said ceremony + was concluded at the residence of the archbishop, where on this + occasion, in honour of the Saviour or men, the lords and ladies of + Touraine hopped, skipped and danced, for in this country the people + dance, skip, eat, flirt, have more feasts and make merrier than any in + the whole world. The good old seneschal had taken for his associate + the daughter of the lord of Azay-le-Ridel, which afterwards became + Azay-le-Brusle, the which lord being a Crusader was left before Acre, + a far distant town, in the hands of a Saracen who demanded a royal + ransom for him because the said lord was of high position. +</p> +<p> + The lady of Azay having given his estate as security to the Lombards + and extortioners in order to raise the sum, remained, without a penny + in the world, awaiting her lord in a poor lodging in the town, + without a carpet to sit upon, but proud as the Queen of Sheba and + brave as a mastiff who defends the property of his master. Seeing this + great distress the seneschal went delicately to request this lady's + daughter to be the godmother of the said Egyptian, in order that he + might have the right of assisting the Lady of Azay. And, in fact, he + kept a heavy chain of gold which he had preserved since the + commencement of the taking of Cyprus, and the which he determined to + clasp about the neck of his pretty associate, but he hung there at the + same time his domain, and his white hairs, his money and his horses; + in short, he placed there everything he possessed, directly he had + seen Blanche of Azay dancing a pavan among the ladies of Tours. + Although the Moorish girl, making the most of her last day, had + astonished the assembly by her twists, jumps, steps, springs, and + elevations and artistic efforts, Blanche had the advantage of her, as + everyone agreed, so virginally and delicately did she dance. +</p> +<p> + Now Bruyn, admiring this gentle maiden whose toes seemed to fear the + boards, and who amused herself so innocently for her seventeen years + —like a grasshopper trying her first note—was seized with an old + man's desire; a desire apoplectic and vigorous from weakness, which + heated him from the sole of foot to the nape of his neck—for his head + had too much snow on the top of it to let love lodge there. Then the + good man perceived that he needed a wife in his manor, and it appeared + more lonely to him than it was. And what then was a castle without a + chatelaine? As well have a clapper without its bell. In short, a wife + was the only thing that he had to desire, so he wished to have one + promptly, seeing that if the Lady of Azay made him wait, he had just + time to pass out of this world into the other. But during the + baptismal entertainment, he thought little of his severe wounds, and + still less of the eighty years that had stripped his head; he found + his eyes clear enough to see distinctly his young companion, who, + following the injunctions of the Lady of Azay, regaled him well with + glance and gesture, believing there could be no danger near so old a + fellow, in such wise that Blanche—naive and nice as she was in + contradistinction to the girls of Touraine, who are as wide-awake as a + spring morning—permitted the good man first to kiss her hand, and + afterwards her neck, rather low-down; at least so said the archbishop + who married them the week after; and that was a beautiful bridal, and + a still more beautiful bride. +</p> +<p> + The said Blanche was slender and graceful as no other girl, and still + better than that, more maidenly than ever maiden was; a maiden all + ignorant of love, who knew not why or what it was; a maiden who + wondered why certain people lingered in their beds; a maiden who + believed that children were found in parsley beds. Her mother had thus + reared her in innocence, without even allowing her to consider, trifle + as it was, how she sucked in her soup between her teeth. Thus she was + a sweet flower, and intact, joyous and innocent; an angel, who needed + but the wings to fly away to Paradise. When she left the poor lodging + of her weeping mother to consummate her betrothal at the cathedral of + St. Gatien and St. Maurice, the country people came to a feast their + eyes upon the bride, and on the carpets which were laid down all along + the Rue de la Scellerie, and all said that never had tinier feet + pressed the ground of Touraine, prettier eyes gazed up to heaven, or a + more splendid festival adorned the streets with carpets and with + flowers. The young girls of St. Martin and of the boroughs of + Chateau-Neuf, all envied the long brown tresses with which doubtless + Blanche had fished for a count, but much more did they desire the gold + embroidered dress, the foreign stones, the white diamonds, and the + chains with which the little darling played, and which bound her for + ever to the said seneschal. The old soldier was so merry by her side, + that his happiness showed itself in his wrinkles, his looks, and his + movements. Although he was hardly as straight as a billhook, he held + himself so by the side of Blanche, that one would have taken him for a + soldier on parade receiving his officer, and he placed his hand on his + diaphragm like a man whose pleasure stifles and troubles him. + Delighted with the sound of the swinging bells, the procession, the + pomps, and the vanities of the said marriage, which was talked of long + after the episcopal rejoicings, the women desired a harvest of Moorish + girls, a deluge of old seneschals, and baskets full of Egyptian + baptisms. But this was the only one that ever happened in Touraine, + seeing that the country is far from Egypt and from Bohemia. The Lady + of Azay received a large sum of money after the ceremony, which + enabled her to start immediately for Acre to go to her spouse, + accompanied by the lieutenant and soldiers of the Count of + Roche-Corbon, who furnished them with everything necessary. She set out + on the day of the wedding, after having placed her daughter in the hands + of the seneschal, enjoining him to treat her well; and later on she + returned with the Sire d'Azay, who was leprous, and she cured him, + tending him herself, running the risk of being contaminated, the which + was greatly admired. +</p> +<p> + The marriage ceremony finished and at an end—for it lasted three + days, to the great contentment of the people—Messire Bruyn with great + pomp led the little one to his castle, and, according to the custom of + husbands, had her put solemnly to bed in his couch, which was blessed + by the Abbot of Marmoustiers; then came and placed himself beside her + in the great feudal chamber of Roche-Corbon, which had been hung with + green blockade and ribbon of golden wire. When old Bruyn, perfumed all + over, found himself side by side with his pretty wife, he kissed her + first upon the forehead, and then upon the little round, white breast, + on the same spot where she had allowed him to clasp the fastenings of + the chain, but that was all. The old fellow had too great confidence + in himself in fancying himself able to accomplish more; so then he + abstained from love in spite of the merry nuptial songs, the + epithalamiums and jokes which were going on in the rooms beneath where + the dancing was still kept up. He refreshed himself with a drink of + the marriage beverage, which according to custom, had been blessed and + placed near them in a golden cup. The spices warned his stomach well + enough, but not the heart of his dead ardour. Blanche was not at all + astonished at the demeanour of her spouse, because she was a virgin in + mind, and in marriage she saw only that which is visible to the eyes + of young girls—namely dresses, banquets, horses, to be a lady and + mistress, to have a country seat, to amuse oneself and give orders; + so, like the child that she was, she played with the gold tassels on + the bed, and marvelled at the richness of the shrine in which her + innocence should be interred. Feeling, a little later in the day, his + culpability, and relying on the future, which, however, would spoil a + little every day that with which he pretended to regale his wife, the + seneschal tried to substitute the word for the deed. So he entertained + his wife in various ways, promised her the keys of his sideboards, his + granaries and chests, the perfect government of his houses and domains + without any control, hanging round her neck "the other half of the + loaf," which is the popular saying in Touraine. She became like a + young charger full of hay, found her good man the most gallant fellow + in the world, and raising herself upon her pillow began to smile, and + beheld with greater joy this beautiful green brocaded bed, where + henceforward she would be permitted, without any sin, to sleep every + night. Seeing she was getting playful, the cunning lord, who had not + been used to maidens, but knew from experience the little tricks that + women will practice, seeing that he had much associated with ladies of + the town, feared those handy tricks, little kisses, and minor + amusements of love which formerly he did not object to, but which at + the present time would have found him cold as the obit of a pope. Then + he drew back towards the end of the bed, afraid of his happiness, and + said to his too delectable spouse, "Well, darling, you are a + seneschal's wife now, and very well seneschaled as well." +</p> +<p> + "Oh no!" said she. +</p> +<p> + "How no!" replied he in great fear; "are you not a wife?" +</p> +<p> + "No!" said she. "Nor shall I be till I have had a child." +</p> +<p> + "Did you while coming here see the meadows?" began again the old + fellow. +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Well, they are yours." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" replied she laughing, "I shall amuse myself much there + catching butterflies." +</p> +<p> + "That's a good girl," says her lord. "And the woods?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! I should not like to be there alone, you will take me there. + But," said she, "give me a little of that liquor which La Ponneuse has + taken such pains to prepare for us." +</p> +<p> + "And why, my darling? It would put fire in your body." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! That's what I should like," said she, biting her lip with + vexation, "because I desire to give you a child as soon as possible; + and I'm sure that liquor is good for the purpose." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my little one," said the seneschal, knowing by this that Blanche + was a virgin from head to foot, "the goodwill of God is necessary for + this business, and women must be in a state of harvest." +</p> +<p> + "And when should I be in a state of harvest?" asked she, smiling. +</p> +<p> + "When nature so wills it," said he, trying to laugh. +</p> +<p> + "What is it necessary to do for this?" replied she. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! A cabalistical and alchemical operation which is very dangerous." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, with a dreamy look, "that's the reason why my mother + cried when thinking of the said metamorphosis; but Bertha de Breuilly, + who is so thankful for being made a wife, told me it was the easiest + thing in the world." +</p> +<p> + "That's according to the age," replied the old lord. "But did you see + at the stable the beautiful white mare so much spoken of in Touraine?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, she is very gentle and nice." +</p> +<p> + "Well, I give her to you, and you can ride her as often as the fancy + takes you." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, you are very kind, and they did not lie when they told me so." +</p> +<p> + "Here," continued he, "sweetheart; the butler, the chaplain, the + treasurer, the equerry, the farrier, the bailiff, even the Sire de + Montsoreau, the young varlet whose name is Gauttier and bears my + banner, with his men at arms, captains, followers, and beasts—all are + yours, and will instantly obey your orders under pain of being + incommoded with a hempen collar." +</p> +<p> + "But," replied she, "this mysterious operation—cannot it be performed + immediately?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh no!" replied the seneschal. "Because it is necessary above all + things that both the one and the other of us should be in a state of + grace before God; otherwise we should have a bad child, full of sin; + which is forbidden by the canons of the church. This is the reason + that there are so many incorrigible scapegraces in the world. Their + parents have not wisely waited to have their souls pure, and have + given wicked souls to their children. The beautiful and the virtuous + come of immaculate fathers; that is why we cause our beds to be + blessed, as the Abbot of Marmoustiers has done this one. Have you not + transgressed the ordinances of the Church?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh no," said she, quickly, "I received before Mass absolution for all + my faults and have remained since without committing the slightest + sin." +</p> +<p> + "You are very perfect," said the cunning lord, "and I am delighted to + have you for a wife; but I have sworn like an infidel." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! and why?" +</p> +<p> + "Because the dancing did not finish, and I could not have you to + myself to bring you here and kiss you." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon he gallantly took her hands and covered them with kisses, + whispering to her little endearments and superficial words of + affection which made her quite pleased and contented. +</p> +<p> + Then, fatigued with the dance and all the ceremonies, she settled down + to her slumbers, saying to the seneschal— +</p> +<p> + "I will take care tomorrow that you shall not sin," and she left the + old man quite smitten with her white beauty, amorous of her delicate + nature, and as embarrassed to know how he should be able to keep her + in her innocence as to explain why oxen chew their food twice over. + Although he did not augur to himself any good therefrom, it inflamed + him so much to see the exquisite perfections of Blanche during her + innocent and gentle sleep, that he resolved to preserve and defend + this pretty jewel of love. With tears in his eyes he kissed her sweet + golden tresses, the beautiful eyelids, and her ripe red mouth, and he + did it softly for fear of waking her. There was all his fruition, the + dumb delight which still inflamed his heart without in the least + affecting Blanche. Then he deplored the snows of his leafless old age, + the poor old man, that he saw clearly that God had amused himself by + giving him nuts when his teeth were gone. +</p> +<center> + HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY. +</center> +<p> + During the first days of his marriage the seneschal imprinted many + fibs to tell his wife, whose so estimable innocence he abused. + Firstly, he found in his judicial functions good excuses for leaving + her at times alone; then he occupied himself with the peasants of the + neighbourhood, and took them to dress the vines on his lands at + Vouvray, and at length pampered her up with a thousand absurd tales. +</p> +<p> + At one time he would say that lords did not behave like common people, + that the children were only planted at certain celestial conjunctions + ascertained by learned astrologers; at another that one should abstain + from begetting children on feast days, because it was a great + undertaking; and he observed the feasts like a man who wished to enter + into Paradise without consent. Sometimes he would pretend that if by + chance the parents were not in a state of grace, the children + commenced on the date of St. Claire would be blind, of St. Gatien had + the gout, of St. Agnes were scaldheaded, of St. Roch had the plague; + sometimes that those begotten in February were chilly; in March, too + turbulent; in April, were worth nothing at all; and that handsome boys + were conceived in May. In short, he wished his child to be perfect, to + have his hair of two colours; and for this it was necessary that all + the required conditions should be observed. At other times he would + say to Blanche that the right of a man was to bestow a child upon his + wife according to his sole and unique will, and that if she pretended + to be a virtuous woman she should conform to the wishes of her + husband; in fact it was necessary to await the return of the Lady of + Azay in order that she should assist at the confinement; from all of + which Blanche concluded that the seneschal was annoyed by her + requests, and was perhaps right, since he was old and full of + experience; so she submitted herself and thought no more, except to + herself, of this so much-desired child, that is to say, she was always + thinking of it, like a woman who has a desire in her head, without + suspecting that she was behaving like a gay lady or a town-walker + running after her enjoyment. One evening, by accident, Bruyn spoke of + children, a discourse that he avoided as cats avoid water, but he was + complaining of a boy condemned by him that morning for great misdeeds, + saying for certain he was the offspring of people laden with mortal + sins. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said Blanche, "if you will give me one, although you have not + got absolution, I will correct so well that you will be pleased with + him." +</p> +<p> + Then the count saw that his wife was bitten by a warm desire, and that + it was time to dissipate her innocence in order to make himself master + of it, to conquer it, to beat it, or to appease and extinguish it. +</p> +<p> + "What, my dear, you wish to be a mother?" said he; "you do not yet + know the business of a wife, you are not accustomed to being mistress + of the house." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" said she, "to be a perfect countess, and have in my loins a + little count, must I play the great lady? I will do it, and + thoroughly." +</p> +<p> + Then Blanche, in order to obtain issue, began to hunt the fawns and + stags, leaping the ditches, galloping upon her mare over valleys and + mountain, through the woods and the fields, taking great delight in + watching the falcons fly, in unhooding them and while hunting always + carried them gracefully upon her little wrist, which was what the + seneschal had desired. But in this pursuit, Blanche gained an appetite + of nun and prelate, that is to say, wished to procreate, had her + desires whetted, and could scarcely restrain her hunger, when on her + return she gave play to her teeth. Now by reason of reading the + legends written by the way, and of separating by death the embraces of + birds and wild beasts, she discovered a mystery of natural alchemy, + while colouring her complexion, and superagitating her feeble + imagination, which did little to pacify her warlike nature, and + strongly tickled her desire which laughed, played, and frisked + unmistakably. The seneschal thought to disarm the rebellious virtue of + his wife by making her scour the country; but his fraud turned out + badly, for the unknown lust that circulated in the veins of Blanche + emerged from these assaults more hardy than before, inviting jousts + and tourneys as the herald the armed knight. +</p> +<p> + The good lord saw then that he had grossly erred and that he was now + upon the horns of a dilemma; also he no longer knew what course to + adopt; the longer he left it the more it would resist. From this + combat, there must result one conquered and one contused—a diabolical + contusion which he wished to keep distant from his physiognomy by + God's help until after his death. The poor seneschal had already great + trouble to follow his lady to the chase, without being dismounted; he + sweated under the weight of his trappings, and almost expired in that + pursuit wherein his frisky wife cheered her life and took great + pleasure. Many times in the evening she wished to dance. Now the good + man, swathed in his heavy clothing, found himself quite worn out with + these exercises, in which he was constrained to participate either in + giving her his hand, when she performed the vaults of the Moorish + girl, or in holding the lighted fagot for her, when she had a fancy to + do the torchlight dance; and in spite of his sciaticas, accretions, + and rheumatisms, he was obliged to smile and say to her some gentle + words and gallantries after all the evolutions, mummeries, and comic + pantomimes, which she indulged in to divert herself; for he loved her + so madly that if she had asked him for an impossibility he would have + sought one for her immediately. +</p> +<p> + Nevertheless, one fine day he recognised the fact that his frame was + in a state of too great debility to struggle with the vigorous nature + of his wife, and humiliating himself before his wife's virtue he + resolved to let things take their course, relying a little upon the + modesty, religion, and bashfulness of Blanche, but he always slept + with one eye open, for he suspected that God had perhaps made + virginities to be taken like partridges, to be spitted and roasted. + One wet morning, when the weather was that in which the snails make + their tracks, a melancholy time, and suitable to reverie, Blanche was + in the house sitting in her chair in deep thought, because nothing + produces more lively concoctions of the substantive essences, and no + receipt, specific or philter is more penetrating, transpiercing or + doubly transpiercing and titillating than the subtle warmth which + simmers between the nap of the chair and a maiden sitting during + certain weather. +</p> +<p> + Now without knowing it the Countess was incommoded by her innocence, + which gave more trouble than it was worth to her brain, and gnawed her + all over. Then the good man, seriously grieved to see her languishing, + wished to drive away the thoughts which were ultra-conjugal principles + of love. +</p> +<p> + "Whence comes your sadness, sweetheart?" said he. +</p> +<p> + "From shame." +</p> +<p> + "What then affronts you?" +</p> +<p> + "The not being a good woman; because I am without a child, and you + without lineage! Is one a lady without progeny? Nay! Look! . . . All + my neighbours have it, and I was married to have it, as you to give it + to me; the nobles of Touraine are all amply furnished with children, + and their wives give them lapfuls, you alone have none, they laugh at + you there. What will become of your name and your fiefs and your + seigniories? A child is our natural company; it is a delight to us to + make a fright of it, to fondle it, to swaddle it, to dress and undress + it, to cuddle it, to sing it lullabies, to cradle it, to get it up, to + put it to bed, and to nourish it, and I feel that if I had only the + half of one, I would kiss it, swaddle it, and unharness it, and I + would make it jump and crow all day long, as the other ladies do." +</p> +<p> + "Were it not that in giving them birth women die, and that for this + you are still too delicate and too close in the bud, you would already + be a mother," replied the seneschal, made giddy with the flow of + words. "But will you buy one ready-made?—that will cost you neither + pain nor labour." +</p> +<p> + "But," said she, "I want the pain and labour, without which it will + not be ours. I know very well it should be the fruit of my body, + because at church they say that Jesus was the fruit of the Virgin's + womb." +</p> +<p> + "Very well, then pray God that it may be so," cried the seneschal, + "and intercede with the Virgin of Egrignolles. Many a lady has + conceived after the neuvaine; you must not fail to do one." +</p> +<p> + Then the same day Blanche set out towards Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles, + decked out like a queen riding her beautiful mare, having on her a + robe of green velvet, laced down with fine gold lace, open at the + breast, having sleeves of scarlet, little shoes and a high hat + ornamented with precious stones, and a gold waistband that showed off + her little waist, as slim as a pole. She wished to give her dress to + Madame the Virgin, and in fact promised it to her, for the day of her + churching. The Sire de Montsoreau galloped before her, his eye bright + as that of a hawk, keeping the people back and guarding with his + knights the security of the journey. Near Marmoustiers the seneschal, + rendered sleepy by the heat, seeing it was the month of August, + waggled about in his saddle, like a diadem upon the head of a cow, and + seeing so frolicsome and so pretty a lady by the side of so old a + fellow, a peasant girl, who was squatting near the trunk of a tree and + drinking water out of her stone jug inquired of a toothless old hag, + who picked up a trifle by gleaning, if this princess was going to bury + her dead. +</p> +<p> + "Nay," said the old woman, "it is our lady of Roche-Corbon, wife of + the seneschal of Poitou and Touraine, in quest of a child." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Ah!" said the young girl, laughing like a fly just satisfied; + then pointing to the handsome knight who was at the head of the + procession—"he who marches at the head would manage that; she would + save the wax-candles and the vow." +</p> +<p> + "Ha! my little one," replied the hag, "I am rather surprised that she + should go to Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles seeing that there are no + handsome priests there. She might very well stop for a short time + beneath the shadow the belfry of Marmoustiers; she would soon be + fertile, those good fathers are so lively." +</p> +<p> + "By a nun's oath!" said a tramp walking up, "look; the Sire de + Montsoreau is lively and delicate enough to open the lady's heart, the + more so as he is well formed to do so." +</p> +<p> + And all commenced a laugh. The Sire de Montsoreau wished to go to them + and hang them in lime-tree by the road as a punishment for their bad + words, but Blanche cried out quickly— +</p> +<p> + "Oh, sir, do not hang them yet. They have not said all they mean; and + we shall see them on our return." +</p> +<p> + She blushed, and the Sire de Montsoreau looked at her eagerly, as + though to shoot into her the mystic comprehensions of love, but the + clearing out of her intelligence had already been commenced by the + sayings of the peasants which were fructifying in her understanding + —her innocence was like touchwood, there was only need for a word + to inflame it. +</p> +<p> + Thus Blanche perceived now the notable and physical differences + between the qualities of her old husband and perfections of the said + Gauttier, a gentleman who was not over affected with his twenty-three + years, but held himself upright as a ninepin in the saddle, and as + wide-awake as the matin chimes, while in contrast to him, slept the + seneschal; he had courage and dexterity there where his master failed. + He was one of those smart fellows whom the jades would sooner wear at + night than a leathern garment, because they then no longer fear the + fleas; there are some who vituperate them, but no one should be + blamed, because every one should sleep as he likes. +</p> +<p> + So much did the seneschal's lady think, and so imperially well, that + by the time she arrived at the bridge of Tours, she loved Gauttier + secretly, as a maiden loves, without suspecting that it is love. From + that she became a proper woman, that is to say, she desired the good + of others, the best that men have, she fell into a fit of + love-sickness, going at the first jump to the depth of her misery, + seeing that all is flame between the first coveting and the last desire, + and she knew not how she then learned that by the eyes can flow in a + subtle essence, causing such powerful corrosions in all the veins of + the body, recesses of the heart, nerves of the members, roots of the + hair, perspiration of the substance, limbo of the brain, orifices of + the epidermis, windings of the pluck, tubes of the hypochondriac and + other channels which in her was suddenly dilated, heated, tickled, + envenomed, clawed, harrowed, and disturbed, as if she had a basketful + of needles in her inside. This was a maiden's desire, a + well-conditioned desire, which troubled her sight to such a degree that + she no longer saw her old spouse, but clearly the young Gauttier, whose + nature was as ample as the glorious chin of an abbot. When the good + man entered Tours the Ah! Ah! of the crowd woke him up, and he came + with great pomp with his suite to the Church of Notre-Dame de + l'Egrignolles, formerly called la greigneur, as if you said that which + has the most merit. Blanche went into the chapel where children are + asked to God and of the Virgin, and went there alone, as was the + custom, always however in the presence of the seneschal, of his + varlets and the loiterers who remained outside the grill. When the + countess saw the priest come who had charge of the masses said for + children, and who received the said vows, she asked him if there were + many barren women. To which the good priest replied, that he must not + complain, and that the children were good revenue to the Church. +</p> +<p> + "And do you often see," said Blanche, "young women with such old + husbands as my lord?" +</p> +<p> + "Rarely," said he. +</p> +<p> + "But have those obtained offspring?" +</p> +<p> + "Always," replied the priest smiling. +</p> +<p> + "And the others whose companions are not so old?" +</p> +<p> + "Sometimes." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" said she, "there is more certainty then with one like the + seneschal?" +</p> +<p> + "To be sure," said the priest. +</p> +<p> + "Why?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," gravely replied priest, "before that age God alone + interferes with the affair, after, it is the men." +</p> +<p> + At this time it was a true thing that all the wisdom had gone to the + clergy. Blanch made her vow, which was a very profitable one, seeing + that her decorations were worth quite two thousand gold crowns. +</p> +<p> + "You are very joyful!" said the old seneschal to her when on the home + journey she made her mare prance, jump, and frisk. +</p> +<p> + "Yes, yes!" said she. "There is no longer any doubt about my having a + child, because any one can help me, the priest said: I shall take + Gauttier." +</p> +<p> + The seneschal wished to go and slay the monk, but he thought that was + a crime which would cost him too much, and he resolved cunningly to + arrange his vengeance with the help of the archbishop; and before the + housetops of Roche-Corbon came in sight he had ordered the Sire de + Montsoreau to seek a little retirement in his own country, which the + young Gauttier did, knowing the ways of the lord. The seneschal put in + the place of the said Gauttier the son of the Sire de Jallanges, whose + fief was held from Roche-Corbon. He was a young boy named Rene, + approaching fourteen years, and he made him a page, awaiting the time + when he should be old enough to be an equerry, and gave the command of + his men to an old cripple, with whom he had knocked about a great deal + in Palestine and other places. Thus the good man believed he would + avoid the horned trappings of cuckoldom, and would still be able to + girth, bridle, and curb the factious innocence of his wife, which + struggled like a mule held by a rope. +</p> +<center> + THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN. +</center> +<p> + The Sunday following the arrival of Rene at the manor of Roche-Corbon, + Blanche went out hunting without her goodman, and when she was in the + forest near Les Carneaux, saw a monk who appeared to be pushing a girl + about more than was necessary, and spurred on her horse, saying to her + people, "Ho there! Don't let him kill her." But when the seneschal's + lady arrived close to them, she turned her horse's head quickly and + the sight she beheld prevented her from hunting. She came back + pensive, and then the lantern of her intelligence opened, and received + a bright light, which made a thousand things clear, such as church and + other pictures, fables, and lays of the troubadours, or the domestic + arrangements of birds; suddenly she discovered the sweet mystery of + love written in all languages, even in that of the Carps'. Is it not + silly thus to seal this science from maidens? Soon Blanche went to + bed, and soon said she to the seneschal— +</p> +<p> + "Bruyn, you have deceived me, you ought to behave as the monk of the + Carneaux behaved to the girl." +</p> +<p> + Old Bruyn suspected the adventure, and saw well that his evil hour was + at hand. He regarded Blanche with too much fire in his eyes for the + same ardour to be lower down, and answered her softly— +</p> +<p> + "Alas! sweetheart, in taking you for my wife I had more love than + strength, and I have taken advantage of your clemency and virtue. The + great sorrow of my life is to feel all my capability in my heart only. + This sorrow hastens my death little by little, so that you will soon + be free. Wait for my departure from this world. That is the sole + request that he makes of you, he who is your master, and who could + command you, but who wishes only to be your prime minister and slave. + Do not betray the honour of my white hairs! Under these circumstances + there have been lords who have slain their wives. +</p> +<p> + "Alas! you will not kill me?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "No," replied the old man, "I love thee too much, little one; why, + thou art the flower of my old age, the joy of my soul. Thou art my + well-beloved daughter; the sight of thee does good to mine eyes, and + from thee I could endure anything, be it a sorrow or a joy, provided + that thou does not curse too much the poor Bruyn who has made thee a + great lady, rich and honoured. Wilt thou not be a lovely widow? And + thy happiness will soften the pangs of death." +</p> +<p> + And he found in his dried-up eyes still one tear which trickled quite + warm down his fir-cone coloured face, and fell upon the hand of + Blanche, who, grieved to behold this great love of her old spouse who + would put himself under the ground to please her, said laughingly— +</p> +<p> + "There! there! don't cry, I will wait." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the seneschal kissed her hands and regaled her with little + endearments, saying with a voice quivering with emotion— +</p> +<p> + "If you knew, Blanche my darling, how I devour thee in thy sleep with + caresses, now here, now there!" And the old ape patted her with his + two hands, which were nothing but bones. And he continued, "I dared + not waken the cat that would have strangled my happiness, since at + this occupation of love I only embraced with my heart." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" replied she, "you can fondle me thus even when my eyes are open; + that has not the least effect upon me." +</p> +<p> + At these words the poor seneschal, taking the little dagger which was + on the table by the bed, gave it to her, saying with passion— +</p> +<p> + "My darling, kill me, or let me believe that you love me a little!" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, yes," said she, quite frightened, "I will try to love you much." +</p> +<p> + Behold how this young maidenhood made itself master of this old man + and subdued him, for in the name of the sweet face of Venus, Blanche, + endowed with the natural artfulness of women, made her old Bruyn come + and go like a miller's mule. +</p> +<p> + "My good Bruyn, I want this! Bruyn, I want that—go on Bruyn!" Bruyn! + Bruyn! And always Bruyn in such a way that Bruyn was more worn-out by + the clemency of his wife than he would have been by her unkindness. + She turned his brain wishing that everything should be in scarlet, + making him turn everything topsy-turvy at the least movement of her + eyebrow, and when she was sad the seneschal distracted, would say to + everything from his judicial seat, "Hang him!" Another would have died + like a fly at this conflict with the maid's innocence, but Bruyn was + of such an iron nature that it was difficult to finish him off. One + evening that Blanche had turned the house upside-down, upset the men + and the beasts, and would by her aggravating humour have made the + eternal father desperate—he who has such an infinite treasure of + patience since he endures us—she said to the seneschal while getting + into bed, "My good Bruyn, I have low down fancies, that bite and prick + me; thence they rise into my heart, inflame my brain, incite me + therein to evil deeds, and in the night I dream of the monk of the + Carneaux." +</p> +<p> + "My dear," replied the seneschal, "these are devilries and temptations + against which the monks and nuns know how to defend themselves. If you + will gain salvation, go and confess to the worthy Abbot of + Marmoustiers, our neighbour; he will advise you well and will holily + direct you in the good way." +</p> +<p> + "Tomorrow I will go," said she. +</p> +<p> + And indeed directly it was day, she trotted off to the monastery of + the good brethren, who marvelled to see among them so pretty a lady; + committed more than one sin through her in the evening; and for the + present led her with great ceremony to their reverend abbot. +</p> +<p> + Blanche found the said good man in a private garden near the high rock + under a flower arcade, and remained stricken with respect at the + countenance of the holy man, although she was accustomed not to think + much of grey hairs. +</p> +<p> + "God preserve you, Madame; what can you have to seek of one so near + death, you so young?" +</p> +<p> + "Your precious advice," said she, saluting him with a courtesy; "and + if it will please you to guide so undutiful a sheep, I shall be well + content to have so wise a confessor." +</p> +<p> + "My daughter," answered the monk, with whom old Bruyn had arranged + this hypocrisy and the part to play, "if I had not the chills of a + hundred winters upon this unthatched head, I should not dare to listen + to your sins, but say on; if you enter paradise, it will be through + me." +</p> +<p> + Then the seneschal's wife set forth the small fry of her stock in + hand, and when she was purged of her little iniquities, she came to + the postscript of her confession. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my father!" said she, "I must confess to you that I am daily + exercised by the desire to have a child. Is it wrong?" +</p> +<p> + "No," said the abbot. +</p> +<p> + But she went on, "It is by nature commanded to my husband not to draw + from his wealth to bring about his poverty, as the old women say by + the way." +</p> +<p> + "Then," replied the priest, "you must live virtuously and abstain from + all thoughts of this kind." +</p> +<p> + "But I have heard it professed by the Lady of Jallanges, that it was + not a sin when from it one derived neither profit nor pleasure." +</p> +<p> + "There always is pleasure," said the abbot, "but don't count upon the + child as a profit. Now fix this in your understanding, that it will + always be a mortal sin before God and a crime before men to bring + forth a child through the embraces of a man to whom one is not + ecclesiastically married. Thus those women who offend against the holy + laws of marriage, suffer great penalties in the other world, are in + the power of horrible monsters with sharp and tearing claws, who + thrust them into flaming furnaces in remembrance of the fact that here + below they have warmed their hearts a little more than was lawful." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon Blanche scratched her ear, and having thought to herself for + a little while, she said to the priest, "How then did the Virgin + Mary?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" replied abbot, "that it is a mystery." +</p> +<p> + "And what is a mystery?" +</p> +<p> + "A thing that cannot be explained, and which one ought to believe + without enquiring into it." +</p> +<p> + "Well then," said she, "cannot I perform a mystery?" +</p> +<p> + "This one," said the Abbot, "only happened once, because it was the + Son of God." +</p> +<p> + "Alas! my father, is it then the will of God that I should die, or + that from wise and sound comprehension my brain should be turned? Of + this there is a great danger. Now in me something moves and excites + me, and I am no longer in my senses. I care for nothing, and to find a + man I would leap the walls, dash over the fields without shame and + tear my things into tatters, only to see that which so much excited + the monk of the Carneaux; and during these passions which work and + prick my mind and body, there is neither God, devil, nor husband. I + spring, I run, I smash up the wash-tubs, the pots, the farm + implements, a fowl-house, the household things, and everything, in a + way that I cannot describe. But I dare not confess to you all my + misdeeds, because speaking of them makes my mouth water, and the thing + with which God curses me makes me itch dreadfully. If this folly bites + and pricks me, and slays my virtue, will God, who has placed this + great love in my body, condemn me to perdition?" +</p> +<p> + At this question it was the priest who scratched his ear, quite + dumbfounded by the lamentations, profound wisdom, controversies and + intelligence that this virginity secreted. +</p> +<p> + "My daughter," said he, "God has distinguished us from the beasts and + made us a paradise to gain, and for this given us reason, which is a + rudder to steer us against tempests and our ambitious desires, and + there is a means of easing the imaginations of one's brain by fasting, + excessive labours, and other virtues; and instead of frisking and + fretting like a child let loose from school, you should pray to the + virgin, sleep on a hard board, attend to your household duties, and + never be idle." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my father, when I am at church in my seat, I see neither the + priest nor the altar, only the infant Jesus, who brings the thing into + my head. But to finish, if my head is turned and my mind wanders, I am + in the lime-twigs of love." +</p> +<p> + "If thus you were," said the abbot, imprudently, "you would be in the + position of Saint Lidoire, who in a deep sleep one day, one leg here + and one leg there, through the great heat and scantily attired, was + approached by a young man full of mischief, who dexterously seduced + her, and as of this trick the saint was thoroughly ignorant, and much + surprised at being brought to bed, thinking that her unusual size was + a serious malady, she did penance for it as a venial sin, as she had + no pleasure in this wicked business, according to the statement of the + wicked man, who said upon the scaffold where he was executed, that the + saint had in nowise stirred." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my father," said she, "be sure that I should not stir more than + she did!" +</p> +<p> + With this statement she went away prettily and gracefully, smiling and + thinking how she could commit a venial sin. On her return from the + great monastery, she saw in the courtyard of her castle the little + Jallanges, who under the superintendence of an old groom was turning + and wheeling about on a fine horse, bending with the movements of the + animal, dismounting and mounting again with vaults and leaps most + gracefully, and with lissome thighs, so pretty, so dextrous, so + upright as to be indescribable, so much so, that he would have made + the Queen Lucrece long for him, she who killed herself from having + been contaminated against her will. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said Blanche, "if only this page were fifteen, I would go to + sleep comfortably very near to him." +</p> +<p> + Then, in spite of the too great youth of this charming servitor, + during the collation and supper, she eyed frequently the black hair, + the white skin, the grace of Rene, above all his eyes, where was an + abundance of limpid warmth and a great fire of life, which he was + afraid to shoot out—child that he was. +</p> +<p> + Now in the evening, as the seneschal's wife sat thoughtfully in her + chair in the corner of the fireplace, old Bruyn interrogated her as to + her trouble. +</p> +<p> + "I am thinking." said she, "that you must have fought the battles of + love very early, to be thus completely broken up." +</p> +<p> + "Oh!" smiled he, smiling like all old men questioned upon their + amorous remembrances, "at the age of thirteen and a half I had + overcome the scruples of my mother's waiting woman." +</p> +<p> + Blanche wished to hear nothing more, but believed the page Rene should + be equally advanced, and she was quite joyous and practised little + allurements on the good man, and wallowed silently in her desire, like + a cake which is being floured. +</p> +<center> + HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED. +</center> +<p> + The seneschal's wife did not think long over the best way quickly to + awaken the love of the page, and had soon discovered the natural + ambuscade in the which the most wary are taken. This is how: at the + warmest hour of the day the good man took his siesta after the Saracen + fashion, a habit in which he had never failed, since his return from + the Holy Land. During this time Blanche was alone in the grounds, + where the women work at their minor occupations, such as broidering + and stitching, and often remained in the rooms looking after the + washing, putting the clothes tidy, or running about at will. Then she + appointed this quiet hour to complete the education of the page, + making him read books and say his prayers. Now on the morrow, when at + the mid-day hour the seneschal slept, succumbing to the sun which + warms with its most luminous rays the slopes of Roche-Corbon, so much + so that one is obliged to sleep, unless annoyed, upset, and + continually roused by a devil of a young woman. Blanche then + gracefully perched herself in the great seignorial chair of her good + man, which she did not find any too high, since she counted upon the + chances of perspective. The cunning jade settled herself dextrously + therein, like a swallow in its nest, and leaned her head maliciously + upon her arm like a child that sleeps; but in making her preparations + she opened fond eyes, that smiled and winked in advance of the little + secret thrills, sneezes, squints, and trances of the page who was + about to lie at her feet, separated from her by the jump of an old + flea; and in fact she advanced so much and so near the square of + velvet where the poor child should kneel, whose life and soul she + trifled with, that had he been a saint of stone, his glance would have + been constrained to follow the flexousities of the dress in order to + admire and re-admire the perfections and beauties of the shapely leg, + which moulded the white stocking of the seneschal's lady. Thus it was + certain that a weak varlet would be taken in the snare, wherein the + most vigorous knight would willingly have succumbed. When she had + turned, returned, placed and displaced her body, and found the + situation in which the page would be most comfortable, she cried, + gently. "Rene!" Rene, whom she knew well was in the guard-room, did + not fail to run in and quickly thrust his brown head between the + tapestries of the door. +</p> +<p> + "What do you please to wish?" said the page. And he held with great + respect in his hand his shaggy scarlet cap, less red than his fresh + dimpled cheeks. +</p> +<p> + "Come hither," replied she, under her breath, for the child attracted + her so strongly that she was quite overcome. +</p> +<p> + And forsooth there were no jewels so sparkling as the eyes of Rene, no + vellum whiter than his skin, no woman more exquisite in shape—and so + near to her desire, she found him still more sweetly formed—and was + certain that the merry frolics of love would radiate well from this + youth, the warm sun, the silence, et cetera. +</p> +<p> + "Read me the litanies of Madame the Virgin," said she to him, pushing + an open book him on her prieu-dieu. "Let me see if you are well taught + by your master." +</p> +<p> + "Do you not think the Virgin beautiful?" asked she of him, smiling + when he held the illuminated prayer-book in which glowed the silver + and gold. +</p> +<p> + "It is a painting," replied he, timidly, and casting a little glance + upon his so gracious mistress. +</p> +<p> + "Read! read!" +</p> +<p> + Then Rene began to recite the so sweet and so mystic litanies; but you + may imagine that the "Ora pro nobis" of Blanche became still fainter + and fainter, like the sound of the horn in the woodlands, and when the + page went on, "Oh, Rose of mystery," the lady, who certainly heard + distinctly, replied by a gentle sigh. Thereupon Rene suspected that + his mistress slept. Then he commenced to cover her with his regard, + admiring her at his leisure, and had then no wish to utter any anthem + save the anthem of love. His happiness made his heart leap and bound + into his throat; thus, as was but natural, these two innocents burned + one against the other, but if they could have foreseen never would + have intermingled. Rene feasted his eyes, planning in his mind a + thousand fruitions of love that brought the water into his mouth. In + his ecstasy he let his book fall, which made him feel as sheepish as a + monk surprised at a child's tricks; but also from that he knew that + Blanche was sound asleep, for she did not stir, and the wily jade + would not have opened her eyes even at the greatest dangers, and + reckoned on something else falling as well as the book of prayer. +</p> +<p> + There is no worse longing than the longing of a woman in certain + condition. Now, the page noticed his lady's foot, which was delicately + slippered in a little shoe of a delicate blue colour. She had + angularly placed it on a footstool, since she was too high in the + seneschal's chair. This foot was of narrow proportions, delicately + curved, as broad as two fingers, and as long as a sparrow, tail + included, small at the top—a true foot of delight, a virginal foot + that merited a kiss as a robber does the gallows; a roguish foot; a + foot wanton enough to damn an archangel; an ominous foot; a devilishly + enticing foot, which gave one a desire to make two new ones just like + it to perpetuate in this lower world the glorious works of God. The + page was tempted to take the shoe from this persuasive foot. To + accomplish this his eyes glowing with the fire of his age, went + swiftly, like the clapper of a bell, from this said foot of + delectation to the sleeping countenance of his lady and mistress, + listening to her slumber, drinking in her respiration again and again, + it did not know where it would be sweetest to plant a kiss—whether on + the ripe red lips of the seneschal's wife or on this speaking foot. At + length, from respect or fear, or perhaps from great love, he chose the + foot, and kissed it hastily, like a maiden who dares not. Then + immediately he took up his book, feeling his red cheeks redder still, + and exercised with his pleasure, he cried like a blind man—"<i>Janua + coeli,: gate of Heaven</i>." But Blanche did not move, making sure that + the page would go from foot to knee, and thence to "<i>Janua coeli,: gate + of Heaven</i>." She was greatly disappointed when the litanies finished + without any other mischief, and Rene, believing he had had enough + happiness for one day, ran out of the room quite lively, richer from + this hardy kiss than a robber who has robbed the poor-box. +</p> +<p> + When the seneschal's lady was alone, she thought to herself that this + page would be rather a long time at his task if he amused himself with + the singing of the Magnificat at matins. Then she determined on the + morrow to raise her foot a little, and then to bring to light those + hidden beauties that are called perfect in Touraine, because they take + no hurt in the open air, and are always fresh. You can imagine that + the page, burned by his desire and his imagination, heated by the day + before, awaited impatiently the hour to read in this breviary of + gallantry, and was called; and the conspiracy of the litanies + commenced again, and Blanche did not fail to fall asleep. This time + the said Rene fondled with his hand the pretty limb, and even ventured + so far as to verify if the polished knee and its surroundings were + satin. At this sight the poor child, armed against his desire, so + great was his fear, dared only to make brief devotion and curt + caresses, and although he kissed softly this fair surface, he remained + bashful, the which, feeling by the senses of her soul and the + intelligence of her body, the seneschal's lady who took great care not + to move, called out to him—"Ah, Rene, I am asleep." +</p> +<p> + Hearing what he believed to be a stern reproach, the page frightened + ran away, leaving the books, the task, and all. Thereupon, the + seneschal's better half added this prayer to the litany—"Holy Virgin, + how difficult children are to make." +</p> +<p> + At dinner her page perspired all down his back while waiting on his + lady and her lord; but he was very much surprised when he received + from Blanche the most shameless of all glances that ever woman cast, + and very pleasant and powerful it was, seeing that it changed this + child into a man of courage. Now, the same evening Bruyn staying a + little longer than was his custom in his own apartment, the page went + in search of Blanche, and found her asleep, and made her dream a + beautiful dream. +</p> +<p> + He knocked off the chains that weighed so heavily upon her, and so + plentifully bestowed upon her the sweets of love, that the surplus + would have sufficed to render to others blessed with the joys of + maternity. So then the minx, seizing the page by the head and + squeezing him to her, cried out—"Oh, Rene! Thou hast awakened me!" +</p> +<p> + And in fact there was no sleep could stand against it, and it is + certain that saints must sleep very soundly. From this business, + without any other mystery, and by a benign faculty which is the + assisting principle of spouses, the sweet and graceful plumage, + suitable to cuckolds, was placed upon the head of the good husband + without his experiencing the slightest shock. +</p> +<p> + After this sweet repast, the seneschal's lady took kindly to her + siesta after the French fashion, while Bruyn took his according to the + Saracen. But by the said siesta she learned how the good youth of the + page had a better taste than that of the old seneschal, and at night + she buried herself in the sheets far away from her husband, whom she + found strong and stale. And from sleeping and waking up in the day, + from taking siestas and saying litanies, the seneschal's wife felt + growing within her that treasure for which she had so often and so + ardently sighed; but now she liked more the commencement than the + fructifying of it. +</p> +<p> + You may be sure that Rene knew how to read, not only in books, but in + the eyes of his sweet lady, for whom he would have leaped into a + flaming pile, had it been her wish he should do so. When well and + amply, more than a hundred times, the train had been laid by them, the + little lady became anxious about her soul and the future of her friend + the page. Now one rainy day, as they were playing at touch-tag, like + two children, innocent from head to foot, Blanche, who was always + caught, said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Come here, Rene; do you know that while I have only committed venial + sins because I was asleep, you have committed mortal ones?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Madame!" said he, "where then will God stow away all the damned + if that is to sin!" +</p> +<p> + Blanche burst out laughing, and kissed his forehead. +</p> +<p> + "Be quiet, you naughty boy; it is a question of paradise, and we must + live there together if you wish always to be with me." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my paradise is here." +</p> +<p> + "Leave off," said she. "You are a little wretch—a scapegrace who does + not think of that which I love—yourself! You do not know that I am + with child, and that in a little while I shall be no more able to + conceal it than my nose. Now, what will the abbot say? What will my + lord say? He will kill you if he puts himself in a passion. My advice + is little one, that you go to the abbot of Marmoustiers, confess your + sins to him, asking him to see what had better be done concerning my + seneschal. +</p> +<p> + "Alas," said the artful page, "if I tell the secret of our joys, he + will put his interdict upon our love." +</p> +<p> + "Very likely," said she; "but thy happiness in the other world is a + thing so precious to me." +</p> +<p> + "Do you wish it my darling?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," replied she rather faintly. +</p> +<p> + "Well, I will go, but sleep again that I may bid you adieu." +</p> +<p> + And the couple recited the litany of Farewells as if they had both + foreseen that their love must finish in its April. And on the morrow, + more to save his dear lady than to save himself, and also to obey her, + Rene de Jallanges set out towards the great monastery. +</p> +<center> + HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING. +</center> +<p> + "Good God!" cried the abbot, when the page had chanted the Kyrie + eleison of his sweet sins, "thou art the accomplice of a great felony, + and thou has betrayed thy lord. Dost thou know page of darkness, that + for this thou wilt burn through all eternity? and dost thou know what + it is to lose forever the heaven above for a perishable and changeful + moment here below? Unhappy wretch! I see thee precipitated for ever in + the gulfs of hell unless thou payest to God in this world that which + thou owest him for such offence." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the good old abbot, who was of that flesh of which saints + are made, and who had great authority in the country of Touraine, + terrified the young man by a heap of representations, Christian + discourses, remembrances of the commandments of the Church, and a + thousand eloquent things—as many as a devil could say in six weeks to + seduce a maiden—but so many that Rene, who was in the loyal fervour + of innocence, made his submission to the good abbot. The said abbot, + wishing to make forever a good and virtuous man of this child, now in + a fair way to be a wicked one, commanded him first to go and prostrate + himself before his lord, to confess his conduct to him, and then if he + escaped from this confession, to depart instantly for the Crusades, + and go straight to the Holy Land, where he should remain fifteen years + of the time appointed to give battle to the Infidels. +</p> +<p> + "Alas, my reverend father," said he, quite unmoved, "will fifteen + years be enough to acquit me of so much pleasure? Ah! If you knew, I + have had joy enough for a thousand years." +</p> +<p> + "God will be generous. Go," replied the old abbot, "and sin no more. + On this account, <i>ego te absolvo</i>." +</p> +<p> + Poor Rene returned thereupon with great contrition to the castle of + Roche-Corbon and the first person he met was the seneschal, who was + polishing up his arms, helmets, gauntlets, and other things. He was + sitting on a great marble bench in the open air, and was amusing + himself by making shine again the splendid trappings which brought + back to him the merry pranks in the Holy Land, the good jokes, and the + wenches, et cetera. When Rene fell upon his knees before him, the good + lord was much astonished. +</p> +<p> + "What is it?" said he. +</p> +<p> + "My lord," replied Rene, "order these people to retire." +</p> +<p> + Which the servants having done, the page confessed his fault, + recounting how he had assailed his lady in her sleep, and that for + certain he had made her a mother in imitation of the man and the + saint, and came by order of the confessor to put himself at the + disposition of the offended person. Having said which, Rene de + Jallanges cast down his lovely eyes, which had produced all the + mischief, and remained abashed, prostrate without fear, his arms + hanging down, his head bare, awaiting his punishment, and humbling + himself to God. The seneschal was not so white that he could not + become whiter, and now he blanched like linen newly dried, remaining + dumb with passion. And this old man who had not in his veins the vital + force to procreate a child, found in this moment of fury more vigour + than was necessary to undo a man. He seized with his hairy right hand + his heavy club, lifted it, brandished it and adjusted it so easily you + could have thought it a bowl at a game of skittles, to bring it down + upon the pale forehead of the said Rene, who knowing that he was + greatly in fault towards his lord, remained placid, and stretching his + neck, thought that he was about to expiate his sin for his sweetheart + in this world and in the other. +</p> +<p> + But his fair youth, and all the natural seductions of this sweet + crime, found grace before the tribunal of the heart of this old man, + although Bruyn was still severe, and throwing his club away on to a + dog who was catching beetles, he cried out, "May a thousand million + claws, tear during all eternity, all the entrails of him, who made + him, who planted the oak, that made the chair, on which thou hast + antlered me—and the same to those who engendered thee, cursed page of + misfortune! Get thee to the devil, whence thou camest—go out from + before me, from the castle, from the country, and stay not here one + moment more than is necessary, otherwise I will surely prepare for + thee a death by slow fire that shall make thee curse twenty times an + hour thy villainous and ribald partner!" +</p> +<p> + Hearing the commencement of these little speeches of the seneschal, + whose youth came back in his oaths, the page ran away, escaping the + rest: and he did well. Bruyn, burning with a fierce rage, gained the + gardens speedily, reviling everything by the way, striking and + swearing; he even knocked over three large pans held by one of his + servants, was carrying the mess to the dogs, and he was so beside + himself that he would have killed a labourer for a "thank you." He + soon perceived his unmaidenly maiden, who was looking towards the road + to the monastery, waiting for the page, and unaware that she would + never see him again. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, my lady! By the devil's red three-pronged fork, am I a swallower + of tarradiddles and a child, to believe that you are so fashioned that + a page can behave in this manner and you not know it? By the death! By + the head! By the blood!" +</p> +<p> + "Hold!" she replied, seeing that the mine was sprung, "I knew it well + enough, but as you had not instructed me in these matters I thought + that I was dreaming!" +</p> +<p> + The great ire of the seneschal melted like snow in the sun, for the + direst anger of God himself would have vanished at a smile from + Blanche. +</p> +<p> + "May a thousand millions of devils carry off this alien child! I swear + that—" +</p> +<p> + "There! there! do not swear," said she. "If it is not yours, it is + mine; and the other night did you not tell me you loved everything + that came from me?" +</p> +<p> + Thereupon she ran on with such a lot of arguments, hard words, + complaints, quarrels, tears, and other paternosters of women; such as + —firstly the estates would not have to be returned to the king; that + never had a child been brought more innocently into the world, that + this, that that, a thousand things; until the good cuckold relented, + and Blanche, seizing a propitious interruption said— +</p> +<p> + "And where it is the page?" +</p> +<p> + "Gone to the devil!" +</p> +<p> + "What, have you killed him?" said she. She turned pale and tottered. +</p> +<p> + Bruyn did not know what would become of him when he saw thus fall all + the happiness of his old age, and he would to save her have shown her + this page. He ordered him to be sought, but Rene had run off at full + speed, fearing he should be killed; and departed for the lands beyond + the seas, in order to accomplish his vow of religion. When Blanche had + learned from the above-mentioned abbot the penitence imposed upon her + well beloved, she fell into a state of great melancholy, saying at + times, "Where is he, the poor unfortunate, who is in the middle of + great dangers for love of me?" +</p> +<p> + And always kept on asking, like a child who gives its mother no rest + until its request be granted it. At these lamentations the poor + seneschal, feeling himself to blame, endeavoured to do a thousand + things, putting one out of the question, in order to make Blanche + happy; but nothing was equal to the sweet caresses of the page. + However, she had one day the child so much desired. You may be sure + that was a fine festival for the good cuckold, for the resemblance to + the father was distinctly engraved upon the face of this sweet fruit + of love. Blanche consoled herself greatly, and picked up again a + little of her old gaiety and flower of innocence, which rejoiced the + aged hours of the seneschal. From constantly seeing the little one run + about, watching its laughs answer those of the countess, he finished + by loving it, and would have been in a great rage with anyone who had + not believed him its father. +</p> +<p> + Now as the adventure of Blanche and her page had not been carried + beyond the castle, it was related throughout Touraine that Messire + Bruyn had still found himself sufficiently in funds to afford a child. + Intact remained the virtue of Blanche, and by the quintessence of + instruction drawn by her from the natural reservoir of women, she + recognised how necessary it was to be silent concerning the venial sin + with which her child was covered. So she became modest and good, and + was cited as a virtuous person. And then to make use of him she + experimented on the goodness of her good man, and without giving him + leave to go further than her chin, since she looked upon herself as + belonging to Rene, Blanche, in return for the flowers of age which + Bruyn offered her, coddled him, smiled upon him, kept him merry, and + fondled him with pretty ways and tricks, which good wives bestow upon + the husbands they deceive; and all so well, that the seneschal did not + wish to die, squatted comfortably in his chair, and the more he lived + the more he became partial to life. But to be brief, one night he died + without knowing where he was going, for he said to Blanche, "Ho! ho! + My dear, I see thee no longer! Is it night?" +</p> +<p> + It was the death of the just, and he had well merited it as a reward + for his labours in the Holy Land. +</p> +<p> + Blanche held for his death a great and true mourning, weeping for him + as one weeps for one's father. She remained melancholy, without + wishing to lend her ear to the music of a second wedding, for which + she was praised by all good people, who knew not that she had a + husband in her heart, a life in hope; but she was the greater part of + her time a widow in fact and widow in heart, because hearing no news + of her lover at the Crusades, the poor Countess reputed him dead, and + during certain nights seeing him wounded and lying at full length, she + would wake up in tears. She lived thus for fourteen years in the + remembrance of one day of happiness. Finally, one day when she had + with her certain ladies of Touraine, and they were talking together + after dinner, behold her little boy, who was at that time about + thirteen and a half, and resembled Rene more than it is allowable for + a child to resemble his father, and had nothing of the Sire Bruyn + about him but his name—behold the little one, a madcap and pretty + like his mother, who came in from the garden, running, perspiring, + panting, jumping, scattering all things in his way, after the uses and + customs of infancy, and who ran straight to his well-beloved mother, + jumping into her lap, and interrupting the conversation, cried out— +</p> +<p> + "Oh, mother I want to speak to you, I have seen in the courtyard a + pilgrim, who squeezed me very tight." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" cried the chatelaine, hurrying towards one of the servants who + had charge of the young count and watched over his precious days, "I + have forbidden you ever to leave my son in the hands of strangers, not + even in those of the holiest man in the world. You quit my service." +</p> +<p> + "Alas! my lady," replied the old equerry, quite overcome, "this one + wished him no harm for he wept while kissing him passionately." +</p> +<p> + "He wept?" said she; "ah! it's the father." +</p> +<p> + Having said which, she leaned her head of upon the chair in which she + was sitting, and which you may be sure was the chair in which she has + sinned. +</p> +<p> + Hearing these strange words the ladies was so surprised that at first + they did not perceive that the seneschal's widow was dead, without its + ever been known if her sudden death was caused by her sorrow at the + departure of her lover, who, faithful to his vow, did not wish to see + her, or from great joy at his return and the hope of getting the + interdict removed which the Abbot of Marmoustiers had placed upon + their loves. And there was a great mourning for her, for the Sire de + Jallanges lost his spirits when he saw his lady laid in the ground, + and became a monk of Marmoustiers, which at that time was called by + some Maimoustier, as much as to say Maius Monasterium, the largest + monastery, and it was indeed the finest in all France. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0008"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE KING'S SWEETHEART +</h2> +<p> + There lived at this time at the forges of the Pont-aux-Change, a + goldsmith whose daughter was talked about in Paris on account of her + great beauty, and renowned above all things for her exceeding + gracefulness. There were those who sought her favours by the usual + tricks of love and, but others offered large sums of money to the + father to give them his daughter in lawful wedlock, the which pleased + him not a little. +</p> +<p> + One of his neighbours, a parliamentary advocate, who by selling his + cunning devices to the public had acquired as many lands as a dog has + fleas, took it into his head to offer the said father a domain in + consideration of his consent to this marriage, which he ardently + desired to undertake. To this arrangement our goldsmith was nothing + loth. He bargained away his daughter, without taking into + consideration the fact that her patched-up old suitor had the features + of an ape and had scarcely a tooth in his jaws. The smell which + emanated from his mouth did not however disturb his own nostrils, + although he was filthy and high flavoured, as are all those who pass + their lives amid the smoke of chimneys, yellow parchment, and other + black proceedings. Immediately this sweet girl saw him she exclaimed, + "Great Heaven! I would rather not have him." +</p> +<p> + "That concerns me not," said the father, who had taken a violent fancy + to the proffered domain. "I give him to you for a husband. You must + get on as well as you can together. That is his business now, and his + duty is to make himself agreeable to you." +</p> +<p> + "Is it so?" said she. "Well then, before I obey your orders I'll let + him know what he may expect." +</p> +<p> + And the same evening, after supper, when the love-sick man of law was + pleading his cause, telling her he was mad for her, and promising her + a life of ease and luxury, she taking him up, quickly remarked— +</p> +<p> + "My father had sold me to you, but if you take me, you will make a bad + bargain, seeing that I would rather offer myself to the passers-by + than to you. I promise you a disloyalty that will only finish with + death—yours or mine." +</p> +<p> + Then she began to weep, like all young maidens will before they become + experienced, for afterwards they never cry with their eyes. The good + advocate took this strange behaviour for one of those artifices by + which the women seek to fan the flames of love and turn the devotion + of their admirers into the more tender caress and more daring + osculation that speaks a husband's right. So that the knave took + little notice of it, but laughing at the complaints of the charming + creature, asked her to fix the day. +</p> +<p> + "To-morrow," replied she, "for the sooner this odious marriage takes + place, the sooner I shall be free to have gallants and to lead the gay + life of those who love where it pleases them." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the foolish fellow—as firmly fixed as a fly in a glue pot + —went away, made his preparations, spoke at the Palace, ran to the + High Court, bought dispensations, and conducted his purchase more + quickly than he ever done one before, thinking only of the lovely girl. + Meanwhile the king, who had just returned from a journey, heard + nothing spoken of at court but the marvellous beauty of the jeweller's + daughter who had refused a thousand crowns from this one, snubbed that + one; in fact, would yield to no one, but turned up her nose at the + finest young men of the city, gentlemen who would have forfeited their + seat in paradise only to possess one day, this little dragon of + virtue. +</p> +<p> + The good king, was a judge of such game, strolled into the town, past + the forges, and entered the goldsmith's shop, for the purpose of + buying jewels for the lady of his heart, but at the same time to + bargain for the most precious jewel in the shop. The king not taking a + fancy to the jewels, or they not being to his taste, the good man + looked in a secret drawer for a big white diamond. +</p> +<p> + "Sweetheart," said he, to the daughter, while her father's nose was + buried in the drawer, "sweetheart, you were not made to sell precious + stones, but to receive them, and if you were to give me all the little + rings in the place to choose from, I know one that many here are mad + for; that pleases me; to which I should ever be subject and servant; + and whose price the whole kingdom of France could never pay." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! sire!" replied the maid, "I shall be married to-morrow, but if + you will lend me the dagger that is in your belt, I will defend my + honour, and you shall take it, that the gospel made be observed + wherein it says, '<i>Render unto Caesar the things which be + Caesar's' . . .</i>" +</p> +<p> + Immediately the king gave her the little dagger, and her brave reply + rendered him so amorous that he lost his appetite. He had an apartment + prepared, intending to lodge his new lady-love in the Rue a + l'Hirundelle, in one of his palaces. +</p> +<p> + And now behold my advocate, in a great hurry to get married, to the + disgust of his rivals, the leading his bride to the altar to the clang + of bells and the sound of music, so timed as to provoke the qualms of + diarrhoea. In the evening, after the ball, comes he into the nuptial + chamber, where should be reposing his lovely bride. No longer is she a + lovely bride—but a fury—a wild she-devil, who, seated in an + armchair, refuses her share of her lord's couch, and sits defiantly + before the fire warming at the same time her ire and her calves. The + good husband, quite astonished, kneels down gently before her, + inviting her to the first passage of arms in that charming battle + which heralds a first night of love; but she utters not a word, and + when he tries to raise her garment, only just to glance at the charms + that have cost him so dear, she gives him a slap that makes his bones + rattle, and refuses to utter a syllable. +</p> +<p> + This amusement, however, by no means displeased our friend the + advocate, who saw at the end of his troubles that which you can as + well imagine as he did; so played he his share of the game manfully, + taking cheerfully the punishment bestowed upon him. By so much + hustling about, scuffling, and struggling he managed at last to tear + away a sleeve, to slit a petticoat, until he was able to place his + hand upon his own property. This bold endeavour brought Madame to her + feet and drawing the king's dagger, "What would you with me?" she + cried. +</p> +<p> + "Everything," answered he. +</p> +<p> + "Ha! I should be a great fool to give myself against my inclination! + If you fancied you would find my virtue unarmed you made a great + error. Behold the poniard of the king, with which I will kill you if + you make the semblance of a step towards me." +</p> +<p> + So saying, she took a cinder, and having still her eyes upon her lord + she drew a circle on the floor, adding, "These are the confines of the + king's domain. Beware how you pass them." +</p> +<p> + The advocate, with whose ideas of love-making the dagger sadly + interfered, stood quite discomfited, but at the same time he heard the + cruel speech of his tormentor he caught sight through the slits and + tears in her robe of a sweet sample of a plump white thigh, and such + voluptuous specimens of hidden mysteries, et cetera, that death seemed + sweet to him if he could only taste of them a little. So that he + rushed within the domain of the king, saying, "I mind not death." In + fact he came with such force that his charmer fell backwards onto the + bed, but keeping her presence of mind she defended herself so + gallantly that the advocate enjoyed no further advantage than a knock + at the door that would not admit him, and he gained as well a little + stab from the poniard which did not wound him deeply, so that it did + not cost him very dearly, his attack upon the realm of his sovereign. + But maddened with this slight advantage, he cried, "I cannot live + without the possession of that lovely body, and those marvels of love. + Kill me then!" And again he attacked the royal preserves. The young + beauty, whose head was full of the king, was not even touched by this + great love, said gravely, "If you menace me further, it is not you but + myself I will kill." She glared at him so savagely that the poor man + was quite terrified, and commenced to deplore the evil hour in which + he had taken her to wife, and thus the night which should have been so + joyous, was passed in tears, lamentations, prayers, and ejaculations. + In vain he tempted her with promises; she should eat out of gold, she + should be a great lady, he would buy houses and lands for her. Oh! if + she would only let him break one lance with her in the sweet conflict + of love, he would leave her for ever and pass the remainder of his + life according to her fantasy. But she, still unyielding, said she + would permit him to die, and that was the only thing he could do to + please her. +</p> +<p> + "I have not deceived you," said she. "Agreeable to my promise, I shall + give myself to the king, making you a present of the peddler, chance + passers, and street loungers with whom I threatened you." +</p> +<p> + When the day broke she put on her wedding garments and waited + patiently till the poor husband had to depart to his office client's + business, and then ran out into the town to seek the king. But she had + not gone a bow-shot from the house before one of the king's servants + who had watched the house from dawn, stopped her with the question— +</p> +<p> + "Do you seek the king?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Good; then allow me to be your good friend," said the subtle + courtier. "I ask your aid and protection, as now I give you mine." +</p> +<p> + With that he told her what sort of a man the king was, which was his + weak side, that he was passionate one day and silent the next, that + she would luxuriously lodged and well kept, but that she must keep the + king well in hand; in short, he chatted so pleasantly that the time + passed quickly until she found herself in the Hotel de l'Hirundelle + where afterwards lived Madame d'Estampes. The poor husband shed + scalding tears, when he found his little bird had flown, and became + melancholy and pensive. His friends and neighbours edified his ears + with as many taunts and jeers as Saint Jacques had the honour of + receiving in Compostella, but the poor fellow took it so to heart, + that at last they tried rather to assuage his grief. These artful + compeers by a species of legal chicanery, decreed that the good man + was not a cuckold, seeing that his wife had refused a consummation, + and if the planter of horns had been anyone but the king, the said + marriage might have been dissolved; but the amorous spouse was + wretched unto death at my lady's trick. However, he left her to the + king, determining one day to have her to himself, and thinking that a + life-long shame would not be too dear a payment for a night with her. + One must love well to love like that, eh? and there are many worldly + ones, who mock at such affection. But he, still thinking of her, + neglected his cases and his clients, his robberies and everything. He + went to the palace like a miser searching for a lost sixpence, bowed + down, melancholy, and absent-minded, so much so, that one day he + relieved himself against the robe of a counsellor, believing all the + while he stood against a wall. Meanwhile the beautiful girl was loved + night and day by the king, who could not tear himself from her + embraces, because in amorous play she was so excellent, knowing as + well how to fan the flame of love as to extinguish it—to-day snubbing + him, to-morrow petting him, never the same, and with it a thousand + little tricks to charm the ardent lover. +</p> +<p> + A lord of Bridore killed himself through her, because she would not + receive his embraces, although he offered her his land, Bridore in + Touraine. Of these gallants of Touraine, who gave an estate for one + tilt with love's lance, there are none left. This death made the fair + one sad, and since her confessor laid the blame of it upon her, she + determined for the future to accept all domains and secretly ease + their owner's amorous pains for the better saving of their souls from + perdition. 'Twas thus she commenced to build up that great fortune + which made her a person of consideration in the town. By this means + she prevented many gallant gentlemen from perishing, playing her game + so well, and inventing such fine stories, that his Majesty little + guessed how much she aided him in securing the happiness of his + subjects. The fact is, she has such a hold over him that she could + have made him believe the floor was the ceiling, which was perhaps + easier for him to think than anyone else seeing that at the Rue + d'Hirundelle my lord king passed the greater portion of his time + embracing her always as though he would see if such a lovely article + would wear away: but he wore himself out first, poor man, seeing that + he eventually died from excess of love. Although she took care to + grant her favours only to the best and noblest in the court, and that + such occasions were rare as miracles, there were not wanting those + among her enemies and rivals who declared that for 10,000 crowns a + simple gentleman might taste the pleasures of his sovereign, which was + false above all falseness, for when her lord taxed her with it, did + she not reply, "Abominable wretches! Curse the devils who put this + idea in your head! I never yet did have man who spent less than 30,000 + crowns upon me." +</p> +<p> + The king, although vexed could not repress a smile, and kept her on a + month to silence scandal. And last, la demoiselle de Pisseleu, anxious + to obtain her place, brought about her ruin. Many would have liked to + be ruined in the same way, seeing she was taken by a young lord, was + happy with him, the fires of love in her being still unquenched. But + to take up the thread again. One day that the king's sweetheart was + passing through the town in her litter to buy laces, furs, velvets, + broideries, and other ammunition, and so charmingly attired, and + looking so lovely, that anyone, especially the clerks, would have + believed the heavens were open above them, behold, her good man, who + comes upon her near the old cross. She, at that time lazily swinging + her charming little foot over the side of the litter, drew in her head + as though she had seen an adder. She was a good wife, for I know some + who would have proudly passed their husbands, to their shame and to + the great disrespect of conjugal rights. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter?" asked one M. de Lannoy, who humbly accompanied + her. +</p> +<p> + "Nothing," she whispered; "but that person is my husband. Poor man, + how changed he looks. Formerly he was the picture of a monkey; today + he is the very image of a Job." +</p> +<p> + The poor advocate stood opened-mouthed. His heart beat rapidly at the + sight of that little foot—of that wife so wildly loved. +</p> +<p> + Observing which, the Sire de Lannoy said to him, with courtly + innocence— +</p> +<p> + "If you are her husband, is that any reason you should stop her + passage?" +</p> +<p> + At this she burst out laughing, and the good husband instead of + killing her bravely, shed scalding tears at that laugh which pierced + his heart, his soul, his everything, so much that he nearly tumbled + over an old citizen whom the sight of the king's sweetheart had driven + against the wall. The aspect of this weak flower, which had been his + in the bud, but far from him had spread its lovely leaves; of the + fairy figure, the voluptuous bust—all this made the poor advocate + more wretched and more mad for her than it is possible to express in + words. You must have been madly in love with a woman who refuses your + advances thoroughly to understand the agony of this unhappy man. Rare + indeed is it to be so infatuated as he was. He swore that life, + fortune, honour—all might go, but that for once at least he would be + flesh-to-flesh with her, and make so grand a repast off her dainty + body as would suffice him all his life. He passed the night saying, + "oh yes; ah! I'll have her!" and "Curses am I not her husband?" and + "Devil take me," striking himself on the forehead and tossing about. + There are chances and occasions which occur so opportunely in this + world that little-minded men refuse them credence, saying they are + supernatural, but men of high intellect know them to be true because + they could not be invented. One of the chances came to the poor + advocate, even the day after that terrible one which had been so sore + a trial to him. One of his clients, a man of good renown, who had his + audiences with the king, came one morning to the advocate, saying that + he required immediately a large sum of money, about 12,000 crowns. To + which the artful fellow replied, 12,000 crowns were not so often met + at the corner of a street as that which often is seen at the corner of + the street; that besides the sureties and guarantees of interest, it + was necessary to find a man who had about him 12,000 crowns, and that + those gentlemen were not numerous in Paris, big city as it was, and + various other things of a like character the man of cunning remarked. +</p> +<p> + "Is it true, my lord, the you have a hungry and relentless creditor?" + said he. +</p> +<p> + "Yes, yes," replied the other, "it concerns the mistress of the king. + Don't breathe a syllable; but this evening, in consideration of 20,000 + crowns and my domain of Brie, I shall take her measure." +</p> +<p> + Upon this the advocate blanched, and the courtier perceived he touched + a tender point. As he had only lately returned from the wars, he did + not know that the lovely woman adored by the king had a husband. +</p> +<p> + "You appear ill," he said. +</p> +<p> + "I have a fever," replied the knave. "But is it to her that you give + the contract and the money?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Who then manages the bargain? Is it she also?" +</p> +<p> + "No," said the noble; "her little arrangements are concluded through a + servant of hers, the cleverest little ladies'-maid that ever was. + She's sharper than mustard, and these nights stolen from the king have + lined her pockets well." +</p> +<p> + "I know a Lombard who would accommodate you. But nothing can be done; + of the 12,000 crowns you shall not have a brass farthing if this same + ladies'-maid does not come here to take the price of the article that + is so great an alchemist that turns blood into gold, by Heaven!" +</p> +<p> + "It will be a good trick to make her sign the receipt," replied the + lord, laughing. +</p> +<p> + The servant came faithfully to the rendezvous with the advocate, who + had begged the lord to bring her. The ducats looked bright and + beautiful. There they lay all in a row, like nuns going to vespers. + Spread out upon the table they would have made a donkey smile, even if + he were being gutted alive; so lovely, so splendid, were those brave + noble young piles. The good advocate, however, had prepared this view + for no ass, for the little handmaiden look longingly at the golden + heap, and muttered a prayer at the sight of them. Seeing which, the + husband whispered in her ear his golden words, "These are for you." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she; "I have never been so well paid." +</p> +<p> + "My dear," replied the dear man, "you shall have them without being + troubled with me;" and turning her round, "Your client has not told + you who I am, eh? No? Learn then, I am the husband of the lady whom + the king has debauched, and whom you serve. Carry her these crowns, + and come back here. I will hand over yours to you on a condition which + will be to your taste." +</p> +<p> + The servant did as she was bidden, and being very curious to know how + she could get 12,000 crowns without sleeping with the advocate, was + very soon back again. +</p> +<p> + "Now, my little one," said he, "here are 12,000 crowns. With this sum + I could buy lands, men, women, and the conscience of three priests at + least; so that I believe if I give it to you I can have you, body, + soul, and toe nails. And I shall have faith in you like an advocate, I + expect that you will go to the lord who expects to pass the night with + my wife, and you will deceive him, by telling him that the king is + coming to supper with her, and that to-night he must seek his little + amusements elsewhere. By so doing I shall be able to take his place + and the king's." +</p> +<p> + "But how?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Oh!" replied he; "I have bought you, you and your tricks. You won't + have to look at these crowns twice without finding me a way to have my + wife. In bringing this conjunction about you commit no sin. It is a + work of piety to bring together two people whose hands only been put + one in to the other, and that by the priest." +</p> +<p> + "By my faith, come," said she; "after supper the lights will be put + out, and you can enjoy Madame if you remain silent. Luckily, on these + joyful occasions she cries more than she speaks, and asks questions + with her hands alone, for she is very modest, and does not like loose + jokes, like the ladies of the Court." +</p> +<p> + "Oh," cried the advocate, "look, take the 12,000 crowns, and I promise + you twice as much more if I get by fraud that which belongs to me by + right." +</p> +<p> + Then he arranged the hour, the door, the signal, and all; and the + servant went away, bearing with her on the back of the mules the + golden treasure wrung by fraud and trickery from the widow and the + orphan, and they were all going to that place where everything + goes—save our lives, which come from it. Now behold my advocate, who + shaves himself, scents himself, goes without onions for dinner that + his breath may be sweet, and does everything to make himself as + presentable as a gallant signor. He gives himself the airs of a young + dandy, tries to be lithe and frisky and to disguise his ugly face; he + might try all he knew, he always smelt of the musty lawyer. He was not + so clever as the pretty washerwoman of Portillon who one day wishing + to appear at her best before one of her lovers, got rid of a + disagreeable odour in a manner well known to young women of an + inventive turn of mind. But our crafty fellow fancied himself the + nicest man in the world, although in spite of his drugs and perfumes + he was really the nastiest. He dressed himself in his thinnest clothes + although the cold pinched him like a rope collar and sallied forth, + quickly gaining the Rue d'Hirundelle. There he had to wait some time. + But just as he was beginning to think he had been made a fool of, and + just as it was quite dark, the maid came down and opened alike the + door to him and good husband slipped gleefully into the king's + apartment. The girl locked him carefully in a cupboard that was close + to his wife's bed, and through a crack he feasted his eyes upon her + beauty, for she undressed herself before the fire, and put on a thin + nightgown, through which her charms were plainly visible. Believing + herself alone with her maid she made those little jokes that women + will when undressing. "Am I not worth 20,000 crowns to-night? Is that + overpaid with a castle in Brie?" +</p> +<p> + And saying this she gently raised two white supports, firm as rocks, + which had well sustained many assaults, seeing they had been furiously + attacked and had not softened. "My shoulders alone are worth a + kingdom; no king could make their equal. But I am tired of this life. + That which is hard work is no pleasure." The little maid smiled, and + her lovely mistress said to her, "I should like to see you in my + place." Then the maid laughed, saying— +</p> +<p> + "Be quiet, Madame, he is there." +</p> +<p> + "Who?" +</p> +<p> + "Your husband." +</p> +<p> + "Which?" +</p> +<p> + "The real one." +</p> +<p> + "Chut!" said Madame. +</p> +<p> + And her maid told her the whole story, wishing to keep her favour and + the 12,000 crowns as well. +</p> +<p> + "Oh well, he shall have his money's worth. I'll give his desires time + to cool. If he tastes me may I lose my beauty and become as ugly as a + monkey's baby. You get into bed in my place and thus gain the 12,000 + crowns. Go and tell him that he must take himself off early in the + morning in order that I may not find out your trick upon me, and just + before dawn I will get in by his side." +</p> +<p> + The poor husband was freezing and his teeth were chattering, and the + chambermaid coming to the cupboard on pretence of getting some linen, + said to him, "Your hour of bliss approaches. Madame to-night has made + grand preparations and you will be well served. But work without + whistling, otherwise I shall be lost." +</p> +<p> + At last, when the good husband was on the point of perishing with + cold, the lights were put out. The maid cried softly in the curtains + to the king's sweetheart, that his lordship was there, and jumped into + bed, while her mistress went out as if she had been the chambermaid. + The advocate, released from his cold hiding-place, rolled rapturously + into the warm sheets, thinking to himself, "Oh! this is good!" To tell + the truth, the maid gave him his money's worth—and the good man + thought of the difference between the profusion of the royal houses + and the niggardly ways of the citizens' wives. The servant laughing, + played her part marvellously well, regaling the knave with gentle + cries, shiverings, convulsions and tossings about, like a newly-caught + fish on the grass, giving little Ah! Ahs! in default of other words; + and as often as the request was made by her, so often was it complied + with by the advocate, who dropped of to sleep at last, like an empty + pocket. But before finishing, the lover who wished to preserve a + souvenir of this sweet night of love, by a dextrous turn, plucked out + one of his wife's hairs, where from I know not, seeing I was not + there, and kept in his hand this precious gauge of the warm virtue of + that lovely creature. Towards the morning, when the cock crew, the + wife slipped in beside her husband, and pretended to sleep. Then the + maid tapped gently on the happy man's forehead, whispering in his ear, + "It is time, get into your clothes and off you go—it's daylight." The + good man grieved to lose his treasure, and wished to see the source of + his vanished happiness. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" said he, proceeding to compare certain things, "I've got + light hair, and this is dark." +</p> +<p> + "What have you done?" said the servant; "Madame will see she has been + duped." +</p> +<p> + "But look." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, with an air of disdain, "do you not know, you who + knows everything, that that which is plucked dies and discolours?" and + thereupon roaring with laughter at the good joke, she pushed him out + of doors. This became known. The poor advocate, named Feron, died of + shame, seeing that he was the only one who had not his own wife while + she, who was from this was called La Belle Feroniere, married, after + leaving the king, a young lord, Count of Buzancois. And in her old + days she would relate the story, laughingly adding, that she had never + scented the knave's flavour. +</p> +<p> + This teaches us not to attach ourselves more than we can help to wives + who refuse to support our yoke. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0009"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE DEVIL'S HEIR +</h2> +<p> + There once was a good old canon of Notre Dame de Paris, who lived in a + fine house of his own, near St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs, in the Parvis. This + canon had come a simple priest to Paris, naked as a dagger without its + sheath. But since he was found to be a handsome man, well furnished + with everything, and so well constituted, that if necessary he was + able to do the work of many, without doing himself much harm, he gave + himself up earnestly to the confessing of ladies, giving to the + melancholy a gentle absolution, to the sick a drachm of his balm, to + all some little dainty. He was so well known for his discretion, his + benevolence, and other ecclesiastical qualities, that he had customers + at Court. Then in order not to awaken the jealousy of the officials, + that of the husbands and others, in short, to endow with sanctity + these good and profitable practices, the Lady Desquerdes gave him a + bone of St. Victor, by virtue of which all the miracles were + performed. And to the curious it was said, "He has a bone which will + cure everything;" and to this, no one found anything to reply, because + it was not seemly to suspect relics. Beneath the shade of his cassock, + the good priest had the best of reputations, that of a man valiant + under arms. So he lived like a king. He made money with holy water; + sprinkled it and transmitted the holy water into good wine. More than + that, his name lay snugly in all the et ceteras of the notaries, in + wills or in caudicils, which certain people have falsely written + <i>codicil</i>, seeing that the word is derived from cauda, as if to say the + tail of the legacy. In fact, the good old Long Skirts would have been + made an archbishop if he had only said in joke, "I should like to put + on a mitre for a handkerchief in order to have my head warmer." Of all + the benefices offered to him, he chose only a simple canon's stall to + keep the good profits of the confessional. But one day the courageous + canon found himself weak in the back, seeing that he was all + sixty-eight years old, and had held many confessionals. Then thinking + over all his good works, he thought it about time to cease his + apostolic labours, the more so, as he possessed about one hundred + thousand crowns earned by the sweat of his body. From that day he only + confessed ladies of high lineage, and did it very well. So that it was + said at Court that in spite of the efforts of the best young clerks + there was still no one but the Canon of St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs to + properly bleach the soul of a lady of condition. Then at length the + canon became by force of nature a fine nonagenarian, snowy about the + head, with trembling hands, but square as a tower, having spat so much + without coughing, that he coughed now without being able to spit; no + longer rising from his chair, he who had so often risen for humanity; + but drinking dry, eating heartily, saying nothing, but having all the + appearance of a living Canon of Notre Dame. Seeing the immobility of + the aforesaid canon; seeing the stories of his evil life which for + some time had circulated among the common people, always ignorant; + seeing his dumb seclusion, his flourishing health, his young old age, + and other things too numerous to mention—there were certain people + who to do the marvellous and injure our holy religion, went about + saying that the true canon was long since dead, and that for more than + fifty years the devil had taken possession of the old priest's body. + In fact, it seemed to his former customers that the devil could only + by his great heat have furnished these hermetic distillations, that + they remembered to have obtained on demand from this good confessor, + who always had le diable au corps. But as this devil had been + undoubtedly cooked and ruined by them, and that for a queen of twenty + years he would not have moved, well-disposed people and those not + wanting in sense, or the citizens who argued about everything, people + who found lice in bald heads, demanded why the devil rested under the + form of a canon, went to the Church of Notre Dame at the hours when + the canons usually go, and ventured so far as to sniff the perfume of + the incense, taste the holy water, and a thousand other things. To + these heretical propositions some said that doubtless the devil wished + to convert himself, and others that he remained in the shape of the + canon to mock at the three nephews and heirs of this said brave + confessor and make them wait until the day of their own death for the + ample succession of this uncle, to whom they paid great attention + every day, going to look if the good man had his eyes open, and in + fact found him always with his eye clear, bright, and piercing as the + eye of a basilisk, which pleased them greatly, since they loved their + uncle very much—in words. On this subject an old woman related that + for certain the canon was the devil, because his two nephews, the + procureur and the captain, conducting their uncle at night, without a + lamp, or lantern, returning from a supper at the penitentiary's, had + caused him by accident to tumble over a heap of stones gathered + together to raise the statue of St. Christopher. At first the old man + had struck fire in falling, but was, amid the cries of his dear + nephews and by the light of the torches they came to seek at her house + found standing up as straight as a skittle and as gay as a weaving + whirl, exclaiming that the good wine of the penitentiary had given him + the courage to sustain this shock and that his bones were exceedingly + hard and had sustained rude assaults. The good nephews believing him + dead, were much astonished, and perceived that the day that was to + dispatch their uncle was a long way off, seeing that at the business + stones were of no use. So that they did not falsely call him their + good uncle, seeing that he was of good quality. Certain scandalmongers + said that the canon found so many stones in his path that he stayed at + home not to be ill with the stone, and the fear of worse was the cause + of his seclusion. +</p> +<p> + Of all these sayings and rumours, it remains that the old canon, devil + or not, kept his house, and refused to die, and had three heirs with + whom he lived as with his sciaticas, lumbagos, and other appendage of + human life. Of the said three heirs, one was the wickedest soldier + ever born of a woman, and he must have considerably hurt her in + breaking his egg, since he was born with teeth and bristles. So that + he ate, two-fold, for the present and the future, keeping wenches + whose cost he paid; inheriting from his uncle the continuance, + strength, and good use of that which is often of service. In great + battles, he endeavoured always to give blows without receiving them, + which is, and always will be, the only problem to solve in war, but he + never spared himself there, and, in fact, as he had no other virtue + except his bravery, he was captain of a company of lancers, and much + esteemed by the Duke of Burgoyne, who never troubled what his soldiers + did elsewhere. This nephew of the devil was named Captain Cochegrue; + and his creditors, the blockheads, citizens, and others, whose pockets + he slit, called him the Mau-cinge, since he was as mischievous as + strong; but he had moreover his back spoilt by the natural infirmity + of a hump, and it would have been unwise to attempt to mount thereon + to get a good view, for he would incontestably have run you through. +</p> +<p> + The second had studied the laws, and through the favour of his uncle + had become a procureur, and practised at the palace, where he did the + business of the ladies, whom formerly the canon had the best + confessed. This one was called Pille-grue, to banter him upon his real + name, which was Cochegrue, like that of his brother the captain. + Pille-grue had a lean body, seemed to throw off very cold water, was + pale of face, and possessed a physiognomy like a polecat. +</p> +<p> + This notwithstanding, he was worth many a penny more than the captain, + and had for his uncle a little affection, but since about two years + his heart had cracked a little, and drop by drop his gratitude had run + out, in such a way that from time to time, when the air was damp, he + liked to put his feet into his uncle's hose, and press in advance the + juice of this good inheritance. He and his brother, the soldier found + their share very small, since loyally, in law, in fact, in justice, in + nature, and in reality, it was necessary to give the third part of + everything to a poor cousin, son of another sister of the canon, the + which heir, but little loved by the good man, remained in the country, + where he was a shepherd, near Nanterre. +</p> +<p> + The guardian of beasts, an ordinary peasant, came to town by the + advice of his two cousins, who placed him in their uncle's house, in + the hope that, as much by his silly tricks and his clumsiness, his + want of brain, and his ignorance, he would be displeasing to the + canon, who would kick him out of his will. Now this poor Chiquon, as + the shepherd was named, had lived about a month alone with his old + uncle, and finding more profit or more amusement in minding an abbot + than looking after sheep, made himself the canon's dog, his servant, + the staff of his old age, saying, "God keep you," when he passed wind, + "God save you," when he sneezed, and "God guard you," when he belched; + going to see if it rained, where the cat was, remaining silent, + listening, speaking, receiving the coughs of the old man in his face, + admiring him as the finest canon there ever was in the world, all + heartily and in good faith, knowing that he was licking him after the + manner of animals who clean their young ones; and the uncle, who stood + in no need of learning which side the bread was buttered, repulsed + poor Chiquon, making him turn about like a die, always calling him + Chiquon, and always saying to his other nephews that this Chiquon was + helping to kill him, such a numskull was he. Thereupon, hearing this, + Chiquon determined to do well by his uncle, and puzzled his + understanding to appear better; but as he had a behind shaped like a + pair of pumpkins, was broad shouldered, large limbed, and far from + sharp, he more resembled old Silenus than a gentle Zephyr. In fact, + the poor shepherd, a simple man, could not reform himself, so he + remained big and fat, awaiting his inheritance to make himself thin. +</p> +<p> + One evening the canon began discoursing concerning the devil and + the grave agonies, penances, tortures, etc., which God will get warm + for the accursed, and the good Chiquon hearing it, began to open his + eyes as wide as the door of an oven, at the statement, without + believing a word of it. +</p> +<p> + "What," said the canon, "are you not a Christian?" +</p> +<p> + "In that, yes," answered Chiquon. +</p> +<p> + "Well, there is a paradise for the good; is it not necessary to have a + hell for the wicked?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, Mr. Canon; but the devil's of no use. If you had here a wicked + man who turned everything upside down; would you not kick him out of + doors?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, well, mine uncle; God would be very stupid to leave in the this + world, which he has so curiously constructed, an abominable devil + whose special business it is to spoil everything for him. Pish! I + recognise no devil if there be a good God; you may depend upon that. I + should very much like to see the devil. Ha, ha! I am not afraid of his + claws!" +</p> +<p> + "And if I were of your opinion I should have no care of my very + youthful years in which I held confessions at least ten times a day." +</p> +<p> + "Confess again, Mr. Canon. I assure you that will be a precious merit + on high." +</p> +<p> + "There, there! Do you mean it?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, Mr. Canon." +</p> +<p> + "Thou dost not tremble, Chiquon, to deny the devil?" +</p> +<p> + "I trouble no more about it than a sheaf of corn." +</p> +<p> + "The doctrine will bring misfortune upon you." +</p> +<p> + "By no means. God will defend me from the devil because I believe him + more learned and less stupid than the savans make him out." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the two other nephews entered, and perceiving from the voice + of the canon that he did not dislike Chiquon very much, and that the + jeremiads which he had made concerning him were simple tricks to + disguise the affection which he bore him, looked at each other in + great astonishment. +</p> +<p> + Then, seeing their uncle laughing, they said to him— +</p> +<p> + "If you will make a will, to whom will you leave the house? +</p> +<p> + "To Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "And the quit rent of the Rue St. Denys?" +</p> +<p> + "To Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "And the fief of Ville Parisis?" +</p> +<p> + "To Chiquon." +</p> +<p> + "But," said the captain, with his big voice, "everything then will be + Chiquon's." +</p> +<p> + "No," replied the canon, smiling, "because I shall have made my will + in proper form, the inheritance will be to the sharpest of you three; + I am so near to the future, that I can therein see clearly your + destinies." +</p> +<p> + And the wily canon cast upon Chiquon a glance full of malice, like a + decoy bird would have thrown upon a little one to draw him into her + net. The fire of his flaming eye enlightened the shepherd, who from + that moment had his understanding and his ears all unfogged, and his + brain open, like that of a maiden the day after her marriage. The + procureur and the captain, taking these sayings for gospel prophecies, + made their bow and went out from the house, quite perplexed at the + absurd designs of the canon. +</p> +<p> + "What do you think of Chiquon?" said Pille-grue to Mau-cinge. +</p> +<p> + "I think, I think," said the soldier, growling, "that I think of + hiding myself in the Rue d'Hierusalem, to put his head below his feet; + he can pick it up again if he likes." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh!" said the procureur, "you have a way of wounding that is + easily recognised, and people would say 'It's Cochegrue.' As for me, I + thought to invite him to dinner, after which, we would play at putting + ourselves in a sack in order to see, as they do at Court, who could + walk best thus attired. Then having sewn him up, we could throw him + into the Seine, at the same time begging him to swim." +</p> +<p> + "This must be well matured," replied the soldier. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! it's quite ripe," said the advocate. "The cousin gone to the + devil, the heritage would then be between us two." +</p> +<p> + "I'm quite agreeable," said the fighter, "but we must stick as close + together as the two legs of the same body, for if you are fine as + silk, I as strong as steel, and daggers are always as good as traps + —you hear that, my good brother." +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said the advocate, "the cause is heard—now shall it be the + thread or the iron?" +</p> +<p> + "Eh? ventre de Dieu! is it then a king that we are going to settle? + For a simple numskull of a shepherd are so many words necessary? Come! + 20,000 francs out of the Heritage to the one of us who shall first cut + him off: I'll say to him in good faith, 'Pick up your head.'" +</p> +<p> + "And I, 'Swim my friend,'" cried the advocate, laughing like the gap + of a pourpoint. +</p> +<p> + And then they went to supper, the captain to his wench, and the + advocate to the house of a jeweller's wife, of whom he was the lover. +</p> +<p> + Who was astonished? Chiquon! The poor shepherd heard the planning of + his death, although the two cousins had walked in the parvis, and + talked to each other as every one speaks at church when praying to + God. So that Chiquon was much coupled to know if the words had come up + or if his ears had gone down. +</p> +<p> + "Do you hear, Mister Canon?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said he, "I hear the wood crackling in the fire." +</p> +<p> + "Ho, ho!" replied Chiquon, "if I don't believe in the devil, I believe + in St. Michael, my guardian angel; I go there where he calls me." +</p> +<p> + "Go, my child," said the canon, "and take care not to wet yourself, + nor to get your head knocked off, for I think I hear more rain, and + the beggars in the street are not always the most dangerous beggars." +</p> +<p> + At these words Chiquon was much astonished, and stared at the canon; + found his manner gay, his eye sharp, and his feet crooked; but as he + had to arrange matters concerning the death which menaced him, he + thought to himself that he would always have leisure to admire the + canon, or to cut his nails, and he trotted off quickly through the + town, as a little woman trots towards her pleasure. +</p> +<p> + His two cousins having no presumption of the divinatory science, of + which shepherds have had many passing attacks, had often talked before + him of their secret goings on, counting him as nothing. +</p> +<p> + Now one evening, to amuse the canon, Pille-grue had recounted to him + how had fallen in love with him a wife of a jeweller on whose head he + had adjusted certain carved, burnished, sculptured, historical horns, + fit for the brow of a prince. The good lady was to hear him, a right + merry wench, quick at opportunities, giving an embrace while her + husband was mounting the stairs, devouring the commodity as if she was + swallowing a a strawberry, only thinking of love-making, always + trifling and frisky, gay as an honest woman who lacks nothing, + contenting her husband, who cherished her so much as he loved his own + gullet; subtle as a perfume, so much so, that for five years she + managed so well with his household affairs, and her own love affairs, + that she had the reputation of a prudent woman, the confidence of her + husband, the keys of the house, the purse, and all. +</p> +<p> + "And when do you play upon this gentle flute?" said the canon. +</p> +<p> + "Every evening and sometimes I stay all the night." +</p> +<p> + "But how?" said the canon, astonished. +</p> +<p> + "This is how. There is a room close to, a chest into which I get. When + the good husband returns from his friend the draper's, where he goes + to supper every evening, because often he helps the draper's wife in + her work, my mistress pleads a slight illness, lets him go to bed + alone, and comes to doctor her malady in the room where the chest is. + On the morrow, when my jeweller is at his forge, I depart, and as the + house has one exit on to the bridge, and another into the street, I + always come to the door when the husband is not, on the pretext of + speaking to him of his suits, which commence joyfully and heartily, + and I never let them come to an end. It is an income from cuckoldom, + seeing that in the minor expenses and loyal costs of the proceedings, + he spends as much as on the horses in his stable. He loves me well, as + all good cuckolds should love the man who aids them, to plant, + cultivate, water and dig the natural garden of Venus, and he does + nothing without me." +</p> +<p> + Now these practices came back again to the memory of the shepherd, who + was illuminated by the light issuing from his danger, and counselled + by the intelligence of those measures of self-preservation, of which + every animal possesses a sufficient dose to go to the end of his ball + of life. So Chiquon gained with hasty feet the Rue de la Calandre, + where the jeweller should be supping with his companion, and after + having knocked at the door, replied to question put to him through the + little grill, that he was a messenger on state secrets, and was + admitted to the draper's house. Now coming straight to the fact, he + made the happy jeweller get up from his table, led him to a corner, + and said to him: "If one of your neighbours had planted a horn on your + forehead and he was delivered to you, bound hand and foot, would you + throw him into the river?" +</p> +<p> + "Rather," said the jeweller, "but if you are mocking me I'll give you + a good drubbing." +</p> +<p> + "There, there!" replied Chiquon, "I am one of your friends and come to + warn you that as many times as you have conversed with the draper's + wife here, as often has your own wife been served the same way by the + advocate Pille-grue, and if you will come back to your forge, you will + find a good fire there. On your arrival, he who looks after your + you-know-what, to keep it in good order, gets into the big clothes + chest. Now make a pretence that I have bought the said chest of you, + and I will be upon the bridge with a cart, waiting your orders." +</p> +<p> + The said jeweller took his cloak and his hat, and parted company with + his crony without saying a word, and ran to his hole like a poisoned + rat. He arrives and knocks, the door is opened, he runs hastily up the + stairs, finds two covers laid, sees his wife coming out of the chamber + of love, and then says to her, "My dear, here are two covers laid." +</p> +<p> + "Well, my darling are we not two?" +</p> +<p> + "No," said he, "we are three." +</p> +<p> + "Is your friend coming?" said she, looking towards the stairs with + perfect innocence. +</p> +<p> + "No, I speak of the friend who is in the chest." +</p> +<p> + "What chest?" said she. "Are you in your sound senses? Where do you + see a chest? Is the usual to put friends in chests? Am I a woman to + keep chests full of friends? How long have friends been kept in + chests? Are you come home mad to mix up your friends with your chests? + I know no other friend then Master Cornille the draper, and no other + chest than the one with our clothes in." +</p> +<p> + "Oh!" said the jeweller, "my good woman, there is a bad young man, + who has come to warn me that you allow yourself to be embraced by our + advocate, and that he is in the chest." +</p> +<p> + "I!" said she, "I would not put up with his knavery, he does + everything the wrong way." +</p> +<p> + "There, there, my dear," replied the jeweller, "I know you to be a + good woman, and won't have a squabble with you about this paltry + chest. The giver of the warning is a box-maker, to whom I am about to + sell this cursed chest that I wish never again to see in my house, and + for this one he will sell me two pretty little ones, in which there + will not be space enough even for a child; thus the scandal and the + babble of those envious of your virtue will be extinguished for want + of nourishment." +</p> +<p> + "You give me great pleasure," said she; "I don't attach any value to + my chest, and by chance there is nothing in it. Our linen is at the + wash. It will be easy to have the mischievous chest taken away + tomorrow morning. Will you sup?" +</p> +<p> + "Not at all," said he, "I shall sup with a better appetite without the + chest." +</p> +<p> + "I see," said she, "that you won't easily get the chest out of your + head." +</p> +<p> + "Halloa, there!" said the jeweller to his smiths and apprentices; + "come down!" +</p> +<p> + In the twinkling of an eye his people were before him. Then he, their + master, having briefly ordered the handling of the said chest, this + piece of furniture dedicated to love was tumbled across the room, but + in passing the advocate, finding his feet in the air to the which he + was not accustomed, tumbled over a little. +</p> +<p> + "Go on," said the wife, "go on, it's the lid shaking." +</p> +<p> + "No, my dear, it's the bolt." +</p> +<p> + And without any other opposition the chest slid gently down the + stairs. +</p> +<p> + "Ho there, carrier!" said the jeweller, and Chiquon came whistling his + mules, and the good apprentices lifted the litigious chest into the + cart. +</p> +<p> + "Hi, hi!" said the advocate. +</p> +<p> + "Master, the chest is speaking," said an apprentice. +</p> +<p> + "In what language?" said the jeweller, giving him a good kick between + two features that luckily were not made of glass. The apprentice + tumbled over on to a stair in a way that induced him to discontinue + his studies in the language of chests. The shepherd, accompanied by + the good jeweller, carried all the baggage to the water-side without + listening to the high eloquence of the speaking wood, and having tied + several stones to it, the jeweller threw it into the Seine. +</p> +<p> + "Swim, my friend," cried the shepherd, in a voice sufficiently jeering + at the moment when the chest turned over, giving a pretty little + plunge like a duck. +</p> +<p> + Then Chiquon continued to proceed along the quay, as far as the + Rue-du-port, St. Laudry, near the cloisters of Notre Dame. There he + noticed a house, recognised the door, and knocked loudly. +</p> +<p> + "Open," said he, "open by order of the king." +</p> +<p> + Hearing this an old man who was no other than the famous Lombard, + Versoris, ran to the door. +</p> +<p> + "What is it?" said he. +</p> +<p> + "I am sent by the provost to warn you to keep good watch tonight," + replied Chiquon, "as for his own part he will keep his archers ready. + The hunchback who has robbed you has come back again. Keep under arms, + for he is quite capable of easing you of the rest." +</p> +<p> + Having said this, the good shepherd took to his heels and ran to the + Rue des Marmouzets, to the house where Captain Cochegrue was feasting + with La Pasquerette, the prettiest of town-girls, and the most + charming in perversity that ever was; according to all the gay ladies, + her glance was sharp and piercing as the stab of a dagger. Her + appearance was so tickling to the sight, that it would have put all + Paradise to rout. Besides which she was as bold as a woman who has no + other virtue than her insolence. Poor Chiquon was greatly embarrassed + while going to the quarter of the Marmouzets. He was greatly afraid + that he would be unable to find the house of La Pasquerette, or find + the two pigeons gone to roost, but a good angel arranged there + speedily to his satisfaction. This is how. On entering the Rue des + Marmouzets he saw several lights at the windows and night-capped heads + thrust out, and good wenches, gay girls, housewives, husbands, and + young ladies, all of them are just out of bed, looking at each other + as if a robber were being led to execution by torchlight. +</p> +<p> + "What's the matter?" said the shepherd to a citizen who in great haste + had rushed to the door with a chamber utensil in his hand. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! it's nothing," replied the good man. "We thought it was the + Armagnacs descending upon the town, but it's only Mau-cinge beating La + Pasquerette." +</p> +<p> + "Where?" asked the shepherd. +</p> +<p> + "Below there, at that fine house where the pillars have the mouths of + flying frogs delicately carved upon them. Do you hear the varlets and + the serving maids?" +</p> +<p> + And in fact there was nothing but cries of "Murder! Help! Come some + one!" and in the house blows raining down and the Mau-cinge said with + his gruff voice: +</p> +<p> + "Death to the wench! Ah, you sing out now, do you? Ah, you want your + money now, do you? Take that—" +</p> +<p> + And La Pasquerette was groaning, "Oh! oh! I die! Help! Help! Oh! oh!" + Then came the blow of a sword and the heavy fall of a light body of + the fair girl sounded, and was followed by a great silence, after + which the lights were put out, servants, waiting women, roysterers, + and others went in again, and the shepherd who had come opportunely + mounted the stairs in company with them, but on beholding in the room + above broken glasses, slit carpets, and the cloth on the floor with + the dishes, everyone remained at a distance. +</p> +<p> + The shepherd, bold as a man with but one end in view, opened the door + of the handsome chamber where slept La Pasquerette, and found her + quite exhausted, her hair dishevelled, and her neck twisted, lying + upon a bloody carpet, and Mau-cinge frightened, with his tone + considerably lower, and not knowing upon what note to sing the + remainder of his anthem. +</p> +<p> + "Come, my little Pasquerette, don't pretend to be dead. Come, let me + put you tidy. Ah! little minx, dead or alive, you look so pretty in + your blood I'm going to kiss you." Having said which the cunning + soldier took her and threw her upon the bed, but she fell there all of + a heap, and stiff as the body of a man that had been hanged. Seeing + which her companion found it was time for his hump to retire from the + game; however, the artful fellow before slinking away said, "Poor + Pasquerette, how could I murder so good of girl, and one I loved so + much? But, yes, I have killed her, the thing is clear, for in her life + never did her sweet breast hang down like that. Good God, one would + say it was a crown at the bottom of a wallet. Thereupon Pasquerette + opened her eyes and then bent her head slightly to look at her flesh, + which was white and firm, and she brought herself to life by a box on + the ears, administered to the captain. +</p> +<p> + "That will teach you to beware of the dead," said she, smiling. +</p> +<p> + "And why did he kill you, my cousin?" asked the shepherd. +</p> +<p> + "Why? Tomorrow the bailiffs seize everything that's here, and he who + has no more money than virtue, reproached me because I wished to be + agreeable to a handsome gentlemen, who would save me from the hands of + justice. +</p> +<p> + "Pasquerette, I'll break every bone in your skin." +</p> +<p> + "There, there!" said Chiquon, whom the Mau-cinge had just recognised, + "is that all? Oh, well, my good friend, I bring you a large sum." +</p> +<p> + "Where from?" asked the captain, astonished. +</p> +<p> + "Come here, and let me whisper in your ear—if 30,000 crowns were + walking about at night under the shadow of a pear-tree, would you not + stoop down to pluck them, to prevent them spoiling?" +</p> +<p> + "Chiquon, I'll kill you like a dog if you are making game of me, or I + will kiss you there where you like it, if you will put me opposite + 30,000 crowns, even when it shall be necessary to kill three citizens + at the corner of the Quay." +</p> +<p> + "You will not even kill one. This is how the matter stands. I have for + a sweetheart in all loyalty, the servant of the Lombard who is in the + city near the house of our good uncle. Now I have just learned on + sound information that this dear man has departed this morning into + the country after having hidden under a pear-tree in his garden a good + bushel of gold, believing himself to be seen only by the angels. But + the girl who had by chance a bad toothache, and was taking the air at + her garret window, spied the old crookshanks, without wishing to do + so, and chattered of it to me in fondness. If you will swear to give + me a good share I will lend you my shoulders in order that you may + climb on to the top of the wall and from there throw yourself into the + pear-tree, which is against the wall. There, now do you say that I am + a blockhead, an animal?" +</p> +<p> + "No, you are a right loyal cousin, an honest man, and if you have ever + to put an enemy out off the way, I am there, ready to kill even one of + my own friends for you. I am no longer your cousin, but your brother. + Ho there! sweetheart," cried Mau-cinge to La Pasquerette, "put the + tables straight, wipe up your blood, it belongs to me, and I'll pay + you for it by giving you a hundred times as much of mine as I have + taken of thine. Make the best of it, shake the black dog, off your + back, adjust your petticoats, laugh, I wish it, look to the stew, and + let us recommence our evening prayer where we left it off. Tomorrow + I'll make thee braver than a queen. This is my cousin whom I wish to + entertain, even when to do so it were necessary to turn the house out + of windows. We shall get back everything tomorrow in the cellars. + Come, fall to!" +</p> +<p> + Thus, and in less time than it takes a priest to say his Dominus + vobiscum, the whole rookery passed from tears to laughter as it had + previously from laughter to tears. It is only in these houses of + ill-fame that love is made with the blow of a dagger, and where + tempests of joy rage between four walls. But these are things ladies + of the high-neck dress do not understand. +</p> +<p> + The said captain Cochegrue was gay as a hundred schoolboys at the + breaking up of class, and made his good cousin drink deeply, who + spilled everything country fashion, and pretended to be drunk, + spluttering out a hundred stupidities, as, that "tomorrow he would buy + Paris, would lend a hundred thousand crowns to the king, that he would + be able to roll in gold;" in fact, talked so much nonsense that the + captain, fearing some compromising avowal and thinking his brain quite + muddled enough, led him outside with the good intention, instead of + sharing with him, of ripping Chiquon open to see if he had not a + sponge in his stomach, because he had just soaked in a big quart of + the good wine of Suresne. They went along, disputing about a thousand + theological subjects which got very much mixed up, and finished by + rolling quietly up against the garden where were the crowns of the + Lombard. Then Cochegrue, making a ladder of Chiquon's broad shoulders, + jumped on to the pear-tree like a man expert in attacks upon towns, + but Versoris, who was watching him, made a blow at his neck, and + repeated it so vigorously that with three blows fell the upper portion + of the said Cochegrue, but not until he had heard the clear voice of + the shepherd, who cried to him, "Pick up your head, my friend." + Thereupon the generous Chiquon, in whom virtue received its + recompense, thought it would be wise to return to the house of the + good canon, whose heritage was by the grace of God considerably + simplified. Thus he gained the Rue St. Pierre-Aux-Boeufs with all + speed, and soon slept like a new-born baby, no longer knowing the + meaning of the word "cousin-german." Now, on the morrow he rose + according to the habit of shepherds, with the sun, and came into his + uncle's room to inquire if he spat white, if he coughed, if he had + slept well; but the old servant told him that the canon, hearing the + bells of St Maurice, the first patron of Notre Dame, ring for matins, + he had gone out of reverence to the cathedral, where all the Chapter + were to breakfast with the Bishop of Paris; upon which Chiquon + replied: "Is his reverence the canon out of his senses thus to disport + himself, to catch a cold, to get rheumatism? Does he wish to die? I'll + light a big fire to warm him when he returns;" and the good shepherd + ran into the room where the canon generally sat, and to his great + astonishment beheld him seated in his chair. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah! What did she mean, that fool of a Bruyette? I knew you were + too well advised to be shivering at this hour in your stall." +</p> +<p> + The canon said not a word. The shepherd who was like all thinkers, a + man of hidden sense, was quite aware that sometimes old men have + strange crotchets, converse with the essence of occult things, and + mumble to themselves discourses concerning matters not under + consideration; so that, from reverence and great respect for the + secret meditations of the canon, he went and sat down at a distance, + and waited the termination of these dreams; noticing, silently the + length of the good man's nails, which looked like cobbler's awls, and + looking attentively at the feet of his uncle, he was astonished to see + the flesh of his legs so crimson, that it reddened his breeches and + seemed all on fire through his hose. +</p> +<p> + He is dead, thought Chiquon. At this moment the door of the room + opened, and he still saw the canon, who, his nose frozen, came back + from church. +</p> +<p> + "Ho, ho!" said Chiquon, "my dear Uncle, are you out of your senses? + Kindly take notice that you ought not to be at the door, because you + are already seated in your chair in the chimney corner, and that it is + impossible for there to be two canons like you in the world." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Chiquon, there was a time when I could have wished to be in two + places at once, but such is not the fate of a man, he would be too + happy. Are you getting dim-sighted? I am alone here." +</p> +<p> + Then Chiquon turned his head towards the chair, and found it empty; + and much astonished, as you will easily believe, he approached it, and + found on the seat a little pat of cinders, from which ascended a + strong odour of sulphur. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said he merrily, "I perceive that the devil has behaved well + towards me—I will pray God for him." +</p> +<p> + And thereupon he related naively to the canon how the devil had amused + himself by playing at providence, and had loyally aided him to get rid + of his wicked cousins, the which the canon admired much, and thought + very good, seeing that he had plenty of good sense left, and often had + observed things which were to the devil's advantage. So the good old + priest remarked that 'as much good was always met with in evil as evil + in good, and that therefore one should not trouble too much after the + other world, the which was a grave heresy, which many councils have + put right'. +</p> +<p> + And this was how the Chiquons became rich, and were able in these + times, by the fortunes of their ancestors, to help to build the bridge + of St. Michael, where the devil cuts a very good figure under the + angel, in memory of this adventure now consigned to these veracious + histories. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0010"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH +</h2> +<p> + King Louis The Eleventh was a merry fellow, loving a good joke, and + —the interests of his position as king, and those of the church on + one side—he lived jovially, giving chase to soiled doves as often as + to hares, and other royal game. Therefore, the sorry scribblers who + have made him out a hypocrite, showed plainly that they knew him not, + since he was a good friend, good at repartee, and a jollier fellow + than any of them. +</p> +<p> + It was he who said when he was in a merry mood, that four things are + excellent and opportune in life—to keep warm, to drink cool, to stand + up hard, and to swallow soft. Certain persons have accused him of + taking up with a dirty trollops; this is a notorious falsehood, since + all his mistresses, of whom one was legitimised, came of good houses + and had notable establishments. He did not go in for waste and + extravagance, always put his hand upon the solid, and because certain + devourers of the people found no crumbs at his table, they have all + maligned him. But the real collector of facts know that the said king + was a capital fellow in private life, and even very agreeable; and + before cutting off the heads of his friends, or punishing them—for he + did not spare them—it was necessary that they should have greatly + offended him, and his vengeance was always justice; I have only seen + in our friend Verville that this worthy sovereign ever made a mistake; + but one does not make a habit, and even for this his boon companion + Tristan was more to blame than he, the king. This is the circumstance + related by the said Verville, and I suspect he was cracking a joke. I + reproduce it because certain people are not familiar with the + exquisite work of my perfect compatriot. I abridge it and only give + the substance, the details being more ample, of which facts the savans + are not ignorant. +</p> +<p> + Louis XI. had given the Abbey of Turpenay (mentioned in 'Imperia') to + a gentleman who, enjoying the revenue, had called himself Monsieur de + Turpenay. It happened that the king being at Plessis-les-Tours, the + real abbot, who was a monk, came and presented himself before the + king, and presented also a petition, remonstrating with him that, + canonically and a monastically, he was entitled to the abbey and that + the usurping gentleman wronged of his right, and therefore he called + upon his majesty to have justice done to him. Nodding his peruke, the + king promised to render him contented. This monk, importunate as are + all hooded animals, came often at the end of the king's meals, who, + bored with the holy water of the convent, called friend Tristan and + said to him: "Old fellow, there is here a Turpenay who angers me, rid + the world of him for me." Tristan, taking a frock for a monk, or a + monk for a frock, came to this gentleman, whom all the court called + Monsieur de Turpenay, and having accosted him managed to lead him to + one side, and taking him by the button-hole gave him to understand + that the king desired he should die. He tried to resist, supplicating + and supplicating to escape, but in no way could he obtain a hearing. + He was delicately strangled between the head and shoulders, so that he + expired; and, three hours afterwards, Tristan told the king that he + was discharged. It happened five days afterwards, which is the space + in which souls come back again, that the monk came into the room where + the king was, and when he saw him he was much astonished. Tristan was + present: the king called him, and whispered into his ear— +</p> +<p> + "You have not done that which I told you to." +</p> +<p> + "Saving your Grace I have done it. Turpenay is dead." +</p> +<p> + "Eh? I meant this monk." +</p> +<p> + "I understood the gentleman!" +</p> +<p> + "What, is it done then?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes, sire," +</p> +<p> + "Very well then"—turning towards the monk—"come here, monk." The + monk approached. The king said to him, "Kneel down!" The poor monk + began to shiver in his shoes. But the king said to him, "Thank God + that he has not willed that you should be killed as I had ordered. He + who took your estates has been instead. God has done you justice. Go + and pray God for me, and don't stir out of your convent." +</p> +<p> + The proves the good-heartedness of Louis XI. He might very well have + hanged the monk, the cause of the error. As for the said gentleman, he + died in the king's service. +</p> +<p> + In the early days of his sojourn at Plessis-les-Tours king Louis, not + wishing to hold his drinking-bouts and give vent to his rakish + propensities in his chateau, out of respect to her Majesty (a kingly + delicacy which his successors have not possessed) became enamoured of + a lady named Nicole Beaupertuys, who was, to tell the truth, wife of a + citizen of the town. The husband he sent into Ponent, and put the said + Nicole in a house near Chardonneret, in that part which is the Rue + Quincangrogne, because it was a lonely place, far from other + habitations. The husband and the wife were thus both in his service, + and he had by La Beaupertuys a daughter, who died a nun. This Nicole + had a tongue as sharp as a popinjay's, was of stately proportions, + furnished with large beautiful cushions of nature, firm to the touch, + white as the wings of an angel, and known for the rest to be fertile + in peripatetic ways, which brought it to pass that never with her was + the same thing encountered twice in love, so deeply had she studied + the sweet solutions of the science, the manners of accommodating the + olives of Poissy, the expansions of the nerves, and hidden doctrines + of the breviary, the which much delighted the king. She was as gay as + a lark, always laughing and singing, and never made anyone miserable, + which is the characteristic of women of this open and free nature, who + have always an occupation—an equivocal one if you like. The king + often went with the hail-fellows his friends to the lady's house, and + in order not to be seen always went at night-time, and without his + suite. But being always distrustful, and fearing some snare, he gave + to Nicole all the most savage dogs he had in his kennels, beggars that + would eat a man without saying "By your leave," the which royal dogs + knew only Nicole and the king. When the Sire came Nicole let them + loose in the garden, and the door of the house being sufficiently + barred and closely shut, the king put the keys in his pocket, and in + perfect security gave himself up, with his satellites, to every kind + of pleasure, fearing no betrayal, jumping about at will, playing + tricks, and getting up good games. Upon these occasions friend Tristan + watched the neighbourhood, and anyone who had taken a walk on the Mall + of Chardonneret would be rather quickly placed in a position in which + it would have been easy to give the passers-by a benediction with his + feet, unless he had the king's pass, since often would Louis send out + in search of lasses for his friends, or people to entertain him with + the amusements suggested by Nicole or the guests. People of Tours were + there for these little amusements, to whom he gently recommended + silence, so that no one knew of these pastimes until after his death. + The farce of "<i>Baisez mon cul</i>" was, it is said, invented by the said + Sire. I will relate it, although it is not the subject of this tale, + because it shows the natural comicality and humour of this merry + monarch. They were at Tours three well known misers: the first was + Master Cornelius, who is sufficiently well known; the second was + called Peccard, and sold the gilt-work, coloured papers, and jewels + used in churches; the third was hight Marchandeau, and was a very + wealthy vine-grower. These two men of Touraine were the founders of + good families, notwithstanding their sordidness. One evening that the + king was with Beaupertuys, in a good humour, having drunk heartily, + joked heartily, and offered early in the evening his prayer in + Madame's oratory, he said to Le Daim his crony, to the Cardinal, La + Balue, and to old Dunois, who were still soaking, "Let us have a good + laugh! I think it will be a good joke to see misers before a bag of + gold without being able to touch it. Hi, there!" +</p> +<p> + Hearing which, appeared one of his varlets. +</p> +<p> + "Go," said he, "seek my treasurer, and let him bring hither six + thousand gold crowns—and at once! And you will go and seize the + bodies of my friend Cornelius, of the jeweller of the Rue de Cygnes, + and of old Marchandeau, and bring them here, by order of the king." +</p> +<p> + Then he began to drink again, and to judiciously wrangle as to which + was the better, a woman with a gamy odour or a woman who soaped + herself well all over; a thin one or a stout one; and as the company + comprised the flower of wisdom it was decided that the best was the + one a man had all to himself like a plate of warm mussels, at that + precise moment when God sent him a good idea to communicate to her. + The cardinal asked which was the most precious thing to a lady; the + first or the last kiss? To which La Beaupertuys replied: "that it was + the last, seeing that she knew then what she was losing, while at the + first she did not know what she would gain." During these sayings, and + others which have most unfortunately been lost, came the six thousand + gold crowns, which were worth all three hundred thousand francs of + to-day, so much do we go on decreasing in value every day. The king + ordered the crowns to be arranged upon a table, and well lighted up, + so that they shone like the eyes of the company which lit up + involuntarily, and made them laugh in spite of themselves. They did + not wait long for the three misers, whom the varlet led in, pale and + panting, except Cornelius, who knew the king's strange freaks. +</p> +<p> + "Now then, my friends," said Louis to them, "have a good look at the + crowns on the table." +</p> +<p> + And the three townsmen nibbled at them with their eyes. You may reckon + that the diamond of La Beaupertuys sparkled less than their little + minnow eyes. +</p> +<p> + "These are yours," added the king. +</p> +<p> + Thereupon they ceased to admire the crowns to look at each other; and + the guests knew well that old knaves are more expert in grimaces than + any others, because of their physiognomies becoming tolerably curious, + like those of cats lapping up milk, or girls titillated with marriage. +</p> +<p> + "There," said the king, "all that shall be his who shall say three + times to the two others, '<i>Baisez mon cul</i>', thrusting his hand into the + gold; but if he be not as serious as a fly who had violated his + lady-love, if he smile while repeating the jest, he will pay ten crowns + to Madame. Nevertheless he can essay three times." +</p> +<p> + "That will soon be earned," said Cornelius, who, being a Dutchman, had + his lips as often compressed and serious as Madame's mouth was often + open and laughing. Then he bravely put his hands on the crowns to see + if they were good, and clutched them bravely, but as he looked at the + others to say civilly to them, "<i>Baisez mon cul</i>," the two misers, + distrustful of his Dutch gravity, replied, "Certainly, sir," as if he + had sneezed. The which caused all the company to laugh, and even + Cornelius himself. When the vine-grower went to take the crowns he + felt such a commotion in his cheeks that his old scummer face let + little laughs exude from its pores like smoke pouring out of a + chimney, and he could say nothing. Then it was the turn of the + jeweller, who was a little bit of a bantering fellow, and whose lips + were as tightly squeezed as the neck of a hanged man. He seized a + handful of the crowns, looked at the others, even the king, and said, + with a jeering air, "<i>Baisez mon cul</i>." +</p> +<p> + "Is it dirty?" asked the vine-dresser. +</p> +<p> + "Look and see," replied the jeweller, gravely. +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the king began to tremble for these crowns, since the said + Peccard began again, without laughing, and for the third time was + about to utter the sacramental word, when La Beaupertuys made a sign + of consent to his modest request, which caused him to lose his + countenance, and his mouth broke up into dimples. +</p> +<p> + "How did you do it?" asked Dunois, "to keep a grave face before six + thousand crowns?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my lord, I thought first of one of my cases which is tried + tomorrow, and secondly, of my wife who is a sorry plague." +</p> +<p> + The desire to gain this good round sum made them try again, and the + king amused himself for about an hour at the expression of these + faces, the preparations, jokes, grimaces, and other monkey's + paternosters that they performed; but they were bailing their boats + with a sieve, and for men who preferred closing their fists to opening + them it was a bitter sorrow to have to count out, each one, a hundred + crown to Madame. +</p> +<p> + When they were gone, and Nicole said boldly to the king, "Sire will + you let me try?" +</p> +<p> + "Holy Virgin!" replied Louis; "no! I can kiss you for less money." +</p> +<p> + That was said like a thrifty man, which indeed he always was. +</p> +<p> + One evening the fat Cardinal La Balue carried on gallantly with words + and actions, a little farther than the canons of the Church permitted + him, with this Beaupertuys, who luckily for herself, was a clever + hussy, not to be asked with impunity how many holes there were in her + mother's chemise. +</p> +<p> + "Look you here, Sir Cardinal!" said she; "the thing which the king + likes is not to receive the holy oils." +</p> +<p> + Then came Oliver le Daim, whom she would not listen to either, and to + whose nonsense she replied, that she would ask the king if he wished + her to be shaved. +</p> +<p> + Now as the said shaver did not supplicate her to keep his proposals + secret, she suspected that these little plots were ruses practised by + the king, whose suspicions had perhaps been aroused by her friends. + Now, for being able to revenge herself upon Louis, she at least + determined to pay out the said lords, to make fools of them, and amuse + the king with the tricks she would play upon them. One evening that + they had come to supper, she had a lady of the city with her, who + wished to speak with the king. This lady was a lady of position, who + wished asked the king pardon for her husband, the which, in + consequence of this adventure, she obtained. Nicole Beaupertuys having + led the king aside for a moment into an antechamber, told him to make + their guests drink hard and eat to repletion; that he was to make + merry and joke with them; but when the cloth was removed, he was to + pick quarrels with them about trifles, dispute their words, and be + sharp with them; and that she would then divert him by turning them + inside out before him. But above all things, he was to be friendly to + the said lady, and it was to appear as genuine, as if she enjoyed the + perfume of his favour, because she had gallantly lent herself to this + good joke. +</p> +<p> + "Well, gentlemen," said the king, re-entering the room, "let us fall + to; we have had a good day's sport." +</p> +<p> + And the surgeon, the cardinal, a fat bishop, the captain of the Scotch + Guard, a parliamentary envoy, and a judge loved of the king, followed + the two ladies into the room where one rubs the rust off one's jaw + bones. And there they lined the mold of their doublets. What is that? + It is to pave the stomach, to practice the chemistry of nature, to + register the various dishes, to regale your tripes, to dig your grave + with your teeth, play with the sword of Cain, to inter sauces, to + support a cuckold. But more philosophically it is to make ordure with + one's teeth. Now, do you understand? How many words does it require to + burst open the lid of your understanding? +</p> +<p> + The king did not fail to distill into his guests this splendid and + first-class supper. He stuffed them with green peas, returning to the + hotch-potch, praising the plums, commending the fish, saying to one, + "Why do you not eat?" to another, "Drink to Madame"; to all of them, + "Gentlemen, taste these lobsters; put this bottle to death! You do not + know the flavour of this forcemeat. And these lampreys—ah! what do + you say to them? And by the Lord! The finest barbel ever drawn from + the Loire! Just stick your teeth into this pastry. This game is my own + hunting; he who takes it not offends me." And again, "Drink, the + king's eyes are the other way. Just give your opinion of these + preserves, they are Madame's own. Have some of these grapes, they are + my own growing. Have some medlars." And while inducing them to swell + out their abdominal protuberances, the good monarch laughed with them, + and they joked and disputed, and spat, and blew their noses, and + kicked up just as though the king had not been with them. Then so much + victuals had been taken on board, so many flagons drained and stews + spoiled, that the faces of the guests were the colour of cardinals + gowns, and their doublets appeared ready to burst, since they were + crammed with meat like Troyes sausages from the top to the bottom of + their paunches. Going into the saloon again, they broke into a profuse + sweat, began to blow, and to curse their gluttony. The king sat + quietly apart; each of them was the more willing to be silent because + all their forces were required for the intestinal digestion of the + huge platefuls confined in their stomachs, which began to wabble and + rumble violently. One said to himself, "I was stupid to eat of that + sauce." Another scolded himself for having indulged in a plate of eels + cooked with capers. Another thought to himself, "Oh! oh! The forcemeat + is serving me out." The cardinal, who was the biggest bellied man of + the lot, snorted through his nostrils like a frightened horse. It was + he who was first compelled to give vent to a loud sounding belch, and + then he soon wished himself in Germany, where this is a form of + salutation, for the king hearing this gastric language looked at the + cardinal with knitted brows. +</p> +<p> + "What does this mean?" said he, "am I a simple clerk?" +</p> +<p> + This was heard with terror, because usually the king made much of a + good belch well off the stomach. The other guests determined to get + rid in another way of the vapours which were dodging about in their + pancreatic retorts; and at first they endeavoured to hold them for a + little while in the pleats of their mesenteries. It was then that some + of them puffed and swelled like tax-gatherers. Beaupertuys took the + good king aside and said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Know now that I have had made by the Church jeweller Peccard, two + large dolls, exactly resembling this lady and myself. Now when + hard-pressed by the drugs which I have put in their goblets, they + desire to mount the throne to which we are now about to pretend to go, + they will always find the place taken; by this means you will enjoy + their writhings." +</p> +<p> + Thus having said, La Beaupertuys disappeared with the lady to go and + turn the wheel, after the custom of women, and of which I will tell + you the origin in another place. And after an honest lapse of water, + Beaupertuys came back alone, leaving it to be believed that she had + left the lady at the little laboratory of natural alchemy. Thereupon + the king, singling out the cardinal, made him get up, and talked with + him seriously of his affairs, holding him by the tassel of his amice. + To all that the king said, La Balue replied, "Yes, sir," to be + delivered from this favour, and slip out of the room, since the water + was in his cellars, and he was about to lose the key of his back-door. + All the guests were in a state of not knowing how to arrest the + progress of the fecal matter to which nature has given, even more than + to water, the property of finding a certain level. Their substances + modified themselves and glided working downward, like those insects + who demand to be let out of their cocoons, raging, tormenting, and + ungrateful to the higher powers; for nothing is so ignorant, so + insolent as those cursed objects, and they are importunate like all + things detained to whom one owes liberty. So they slipped at every + turn like eels out of a net, and each one had need of great efforts + and science not to disgrace himself before the king. Louis took great + pleasure in interrogating his guests, and was much amused with the + vicissitudes of their physiognomies, on which were reflected the dirty + grimaces of their writhings. The counsellor of justice said to Oliver, + "I would give my office to be behind a hedge for half a dozen + seconds." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, there is no enjoyment to equal a good stool; and now I am no + longer astonished at sempiternal droppings of a fly," replied the + surgeon. +</p> +<p> + The cardinal believing that the lady had obtained her receipt from the + bank of deposit, left the tassels of his girdle in the king's hand, + making a start as if he had forgotten to say his prayers, and made his + way towards the door. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter with you, Monsieur le Cardinal?" said the king. +</p> +<p> + "By my halidame, what is the matter with me? It appears that all your + affairs are very extensive, sire!" +</p> +<p> + The cardinal had slipped out, leaving the others astonished at his + cunning. He proceeded gloriously towards the lower room, loosening a + little the strings of his purse; but when he opened the blessed little + door he found the lady at her functions upon the throne, like a pope + about to be consecrated. Then restraining his impatience, he descended + the stairs to go into the garden. However, on the last steps the + barking of the dogs put him in great fear of being bitten in one of + his precious hemispheres; and not knowing where to deliver himself of + his chemical produce he came back into the room, shivering like a man + who has been in the open air! The others seeing the cardinal return, + imagined that he had emptied his natural reservoirs, unburdened his + ecclesiastical bowels, and believed him happy. Then the surgeon rose + quickly, as if to take note of the tapestries and count the rafters, + but gained the door before anyone else, and relaxing his sphincter in + advance, he hummed a tune on his way to the retreat; arrived there he + was compelled, like La Balue, to murmur words of excuse to this + student of perpetual motion, shutting the door with as promptitude as + he opened it; and he came back burdened with an accumulation which + seriously impeded his private channels. And in the same way went to + guests one after the other, without being able to unburden themselves + of their sauces, as soon again found themselves all in the presence of + Louis the Eleventh, as much distressed as before, looking at each + other slyly, understanding each other better with their tails than + they ever understood with their mouths, for there is never any + equivoque in the transactions of the parts of nature, and everything + therein is rational and of easy comprehension, seeing that it is a + science which we learn at our birth. +</p> +<p> + "I believe," said the cardinal to the surgeon, "that lady will go on + until to-morrow. What was La Beaupertuys about to ask such a case of + diarrhoea here?" +</p> +<p> + "She's been an hour working at what I could get done in a minute. May + the fever seize her" cried Oliver le Daim. +</p> +<p> + All the courtiers seized with colic were walking up and down to make + their importunate matters patient, when the said lady reappeared in + the room. You can believe they found her beautiful and graceful, and + would willingly have kissed her, there where they so longed to go; and + never did they salute the day with more favour than this lady, the + liberator of the poor unfortunate bodies. La Balue rose; the others, + from honour, esteem, and reverence of the church, gave way to the + clergy, and, biding their time, they continued to make grimaces, at + which the king laughed to himself with Nicole, who aided him to stop + the respiration of these loose-bowelled gentlemen. The good Scotch + captain, who more than all the others had eaten of a dish in which the + cook had put an aperient powder, became the victim of misplaced + confidence. He went ashamed into a corner, hoping that before the + king, his mishap might escape detection. At this moment the cardinal + returned horribly upset, because he had found La Beaupertuys on the + episcopal seat. Now, in his torments, not knowing if she were in the + room, he came back and gave vent to a diabolical "Oh!" on beholding + her near his master. +</p> +<p> + "What do you mean?" exclaimed the king, looking at the priest in a way + to give him the fever. +</p> +<p> + "Sire," said La Balue, insolently, "the affairs of purgatory are in my + ministry, and I am bound to inform you that there is sorcery going on + in this house." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! little priest, you wish to make game of me!" said the king. +</p> +<p> + At these words the company were in a terrible state. +</p> +<p> + "So you treat me with disrespect?" said the king, which made them turn + pale. "Ho, there! Tristan, my friend!" cried Louis XI. from the + window, which he threw up suddenly, "come up here!" +</p> +<p> + The grand provost of the hotel was not long before he appeared; and as + these gentlemen were all nobodies, raised to their present position by + the favour of the king, Louis, in a moment of anger, could crush them + at will; so that with the exception of the cardinal who relied upon + his cassock, Tristan found them all rigid and aghast. +</p> +<p> + "Conduct these gentleman to the Pretorium, on the Mall, my friend, + they have disgraced themselves through over-eating." +</p> +<p> + "Am I not good at jokes?" said Nicole to him. +</p> +<p> + "The farce is good, but it is fetid," replied he, laughing. +</p> +<p> + This royal answer showed the courtiers that this time the king did not + intend to play with their heads, for which they thanked heaven. The + monarch was partial to these dirty tricks. He was not at all a bad + fellow, as the guests remarked while relieving themselves against the + side of the Mall with Tristan, who, like a good Frenchman, kept them + company, and escorted them to their homes. This is why since that time + the citizens of Tours had never failed to defile the Mall of + Chardonneret, because the gentlemen of the court had been there. +</p> +<p> + I will not leave this great king without committing to writing this + good joke which he played upon La Godegrand, who was an old maid, much + disgusted that she had not, during the forty years she had lived, been + able to find a lid to her saucepan, enraged, in her yellow skin, that + she still was as virgin as a mule. This old maid had her apartments on + the other side of the house which belonged to La Beaupertuys, at the + corner of the Rue de Hierusalem, in such a position that, standing on + the balcony joining the wall, it was easy to see what she was doing, + and hear what she was saying in the lower room where she lived; and + often the king derived much amusement from the antics of the old girl, + who did not know that she was so much within the range of his + majesty's culverin. Now one market day it happened that the king had + caused to be hanged a young citizen of Tours, who had violated a noble + lady of a certain age, believing that she was a young maiden. There + would have been no harm in this, and it would have been a thing + greatly to the credit of the said lady to have been taken for a + virgin; but on finding out his mistake, he had abominably insulted + her, and suspecting her of trickery, had taken it into his head to rob + her of a splendid silver goblet, in payment of the present he had just + made her. This young man had long hair, and was so handsome that the + whole town wished to see him hanged, both from regret and out of + curiosity. You may be sure that at this hanging there were more caps + than hats. Indeed, the said young man swung very well; and after the + fashion and custom of persons hanged, he died gallantly with his lance + couched, which fact made a great noise in the town. Many ladies said + on this subject that it was a murder not to have preserved so fine a + fellow from the scaffold. +</p> +<p> + "Suppose we were to put this handsome corpse in the bed of La + Godegrand," said La Beaupertuys to the king. +</p> +<p> + "We should terrify her," replied Louis. +</p> +<p> + "Not at all, sire. Be sure that she will welcome even a dead man, so + madly does she long for a living one. Yesterday I saw her making love + to a young man's cap placed on the top of a chair, and you would have + laughed heartily at her words and gestures." +</p> +<p> + Now while this forty-year-old virgin was at vespers, the king sent to + have this young townsman, who had just finished the last scene of his + tragic farce, taken down, and having dressed him in a white shirt, two + officers got over the walls of La Godegrand's garden, and put the + corpse into her bed, on the side nearest the street. Having done this + they went away, and the king remained in the room with the balcony to + it, playing with Beaupertuys, and awaiting an hour at which the old + maid should go to bed. La Godegrand soon came back with a hop, skip, + and jump, as the Tourainians say, from the church of St Martin, from + which she was not far, since the Rue de Hierusalem touches the walls + of the cloister. She entered her house, laid down her prayer-book, + chaplet, and rosary, and other ammunition which these old girls carry, + then poked the fire, and blew it, warmed herself at it, settled + herself in her chair, and played with her cat for want of something + better; then she went to the larder, supping and sighing, and sighing + and supping, eating alone, with her eyes cast down upon the carpet; + and after having drunk, behaved in a manner forbidden in court + society. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" the corpse said to her, "'<i>God bless you</i>!'" +</p> +<p> + At this joke of luck of La Beaupertuys, both laughed heartily in their + sleeves. And with great attention this very Christian king watched the + undressing of the old maid, who admired herself while removing her + things—pulling out a hair, or scratching a pimple which had + maliciously come upon her nose; picking her teeth, and doing a + thousand little things which, alas! all ladies, virgins or not, are + obliged to do, much to their annoyance; but without these little + faults of nature, they would be too proud, and one would not be able + to enjoy their society. Having achieved her aquatic and musical + discourse, the old maid got in between the sheets, and yelled forth a + fine, great, ample, and curious cry, when she saw, when she smelt the + fresh vigour of this hanged man and the sweet perfume of his manly + youth; then sprang away from him out of coquetry. But as she did not + know he was really dead, she came back again, believing he was mocking + her, and counterfeiting death. +</p> +<p> + "Go away, you bad young man!" said she. +</p> +<p> + But you can imagine that she proffered this requests in a most humble + and gracious tone of voice. Then seeing that he did not move, she + examined him more closely, and was much astonished at this so fine + human nature when she recognised the young fellow, upon whom the fancy + took her to perform some purely scientific experiments in the + interests of hanged persons. +</p> +<p> + "What is she doing?" said La Beaupertuys to the king. +</p> +<p> + "She is trying to reanimate him. It is a work of Christian humanity." +</p> +<p> + And the old girl rubbed and warmed this fine young man, supplicating + holy Mary the Egyptian to aid her to renew the life of this husband + who had fallen so amorously from heaven, when, suddenly looking at the + dead body she was so charitably rubbing, she thought she saw a slight + movement in the eyes; then she put her hand upon the man's heart, and + felt it beat feebly. At length, from the warmth of the bed and of + affection, and by the temperature of old maids, which is by far more + burning then the warm blasts of African deserts, she had the delight + of bringing to life that fine handsome young fellow who by lucky + chance had been very badly hanged. +</p> +<p> + "See how my executioners serve me!" said Louis, laughing. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said La Beaupertuys, "you will not have him hanged again? he is + too handsome." +</p> +<p> + "The decree does not say that he shall be hanged twice, but he shall + marry the old woman." +</p> +<p> + Indeed, the good lady went in a great hurry to seek a master leech, a + good bleeder, who lived in the Abbey, and brought him back directly. + He immediately took his lancet, and bled the young man. And as no + blood came out: "Ah!" said he, "it is too late, the transshipment of + blood in the lungs has taken place." +</p> +<p> + But suddenly this good young blood oozed out a little, and then came + out in abundance, and the hempen apoplexy, which had only just begun, + was arrested in its course. The young man moved and came more to life; + then he fell, from natural causes, into a state of great weakness and + profound sadness, prostration of flesh and general flabbiness. Now the + old maid, who was all eyes, and followed the great and notable changes + which were taking place in the person of this badly hanged man, pulled + the surgeon by the sleeve, and pointing out to him, by a curious + glance of the eye, the piteous cause, said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Will he for the future be always like that?" +</p> +<p> + "Often," replied the veracious surgeon. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! he was much nicer hanged!" +</p> +<p> + At this speech the king burst out laughing. Seeing him at the window, + the woman and the surgeon were much frightened, for this laugh seemed + to them a second sentence of death for their poor victim. But the king + kept his word, and married them. And in order to do justice he gave + the husband the name of the Sieur de Mortsauf in the place of the one + he had lost upon the scaffold. As La Godegrand had a very big basket + of crowns, they founded a good family in Touraine, which still exists + and is much respected, since M. de Mortsauf faithfully served Louis + the Eleventh on different occasions. Only he never liked to come + across gibbets or old women, and never again made amorous assignations + in the night. +</p> +<p> + This teaches us to thoroughly verify and recognise women, and not to + deceive ourselves in the local difference which exists between the old + and the young, for if we are not hanged for our errors of love, there + are always great risks to run. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0011"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE +</h2> +<p> + The high constable of Armagnac espoused from the desire of a great + fortune, the Countess Bonne, who was already considerably enamoured of + little Savoisy, son of the chamberlain to his majesty King Charles the + Sixth. +</p> +<p> + The constable was a rough warrior, miserable in appearance, tough in + skin, thickly bearded, always uttering angry words, always busy + hanging people, always in the sweat of battles, or thinking of other + stratagems than those of love. Thus the good soldier, caring little to + flavour the marriage stew, used his charming wife after the fashion of + a man with more lofty ideas; of the which the ladies have a great + horror, since they like not the joists of the bed to be the sole + judges of their fondling and vigorous conduct. +</p> +<p> + Now the lovely Countess, as soon as she was grafted on the constable, + only nibbled more eagerly at the love with which her heart was laden + for the aforesaid Savoisy, which that gentleman clearly perceived. +</p> +<p> + Wishing both to study the same music, they would soon harmonise their + fancies, and decipher the hieroglyphic; and this was a thing clearly + demonstrated to the Queen Isabella, that Savoisy's horses were oftener + stabled at the house of her cousin of Armagnac than in the Hotel St. + Pol, where the chamberlain lived, since the destruction of his + residence, ordered by the university, as everyone knows. +</p> +<p> + This discreet and wise princess, fearing in advance some unfortunate + adventure for Bonne—the more so as the constable was as ready to + brandish his broadsword as a priest to bestow benedictions—the said + queen, as sharp as a dirk, said one day, while coming out from + vespers, to her cousin, who was taking the holy water with Savoisy— +</p> +<p> + "My dear, don't you see some blood in that water?" +</p> +<p> + "Bah!" said Savoisy to the queen. "Love likes blood, Madame." +</p> +<p> + This the Queen considered a good reply, and put it into writing, and + later on, into action, when her lord the king wounded one of her + lovers, whose business you see settled in this narrative. +</p> +<p> + You know by constant experience, that in the early time of love each + of two lovers is always in great fear of exposing the mystery of the + heart, and as much from the flower of prudence as from the amusement + yielded by the sweet tricks of gallantry they play at who can best + conceal their thoughts, but one day of forgetfulness suffices to inter + the whole virtuous past. The poor woman is taken in her joy as in a + lasso; her sweetheart proclaims his presence, or sometimes his + departure, by some article of clothing—a scarf, a spur, left by some + fatal chance, and there comes a stroke of the dagger that severs the + web so gallantly woven by their golden delights. But when one is full + of days, he should not make a wry face at death, and the sword of a + husband is a pleasant death for a gallant, if there be pleasant + deaths. So may be will finish the merry amours of the constable's + wife. +</p> +<p> + One morning Monsieur d'Armagnac having lots of leisure time in + consequence of the flight of the Duke of Burgundy, who was quitting + Lagny, thought he would go and wish his lady good day, and attempted + to wake her up in a pleasant enough fashion, so that she should not be + angry; but she sunk in the heavy slumbers of the morning, replied to + the action— +</p> +<p> + "Leave me alone, Charles!" +</p> +<p> + "Oh, oh," said the constable, hearing the name of a saint who was not + one of his patrons, "I have a Charles on my head!" +</p> +<p> + Then, without touching his wife, he jumped out of the bed, and ran + upstairs with his face flaming and his sword drawn, to the place where + slept the countess's maid-servant, convinced that the said servant had + a finger in the pie. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, ah, wench of hell!" cried he, to commence the discharge of his + passion, "say thy prayers, for I intend to kill thee instantly, + because of the secret practices of Charles who comes here." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Monseigneur," replied the woman, "who told you that?" +</p> +<p> + "Stand steady, that I may rip thee at one blow if you do not confess + to me every assignation given, and in what manner they have been + arranged. If thy tongue gets entangled, if thou falterest, I will + pierce thee with my dagger!" +</p> +<p> + "Pierce me through!" replied the girl; "you will learn nothing." +</p> +<p> + The constable, having taken this excellent reply amiss, ran her + through on the spot, so mad was he with rage; and came back into his + wife's chamber and said to his groom, whom, awakened by the shrieks of + the girl, he met upon the stairs, "Go upstairs; I've corrected + Billette rather severely." +</p> +<p> + Before he reappeared in the presence of Bonne he went to fetch his + son, who was sleeping like a child, and led him roughly into her room. + The mother opened her eyes pretty widely, you may imagine—at the + cries of her little one; and was greatly terrified at seeing him in + the hands of her husband, who had his right hand all bloody, and cast + a fierce glance on the mother and son. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," asked the man of quick execution, "this child, is he the + fruit of my loins, or those of Savoisy, your lover?" +</p> +<p> + At this question Bonne turned pale, and sprang upon her son like a + frightened frog leaping into the water. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, he is really ours," said she. +</p> +<p> + "If you do not wish to see his head roll at your feet confess yourself + to me, and no prevarication. You have given me a lieutenant." +</p> +<p> + "Indeed!" +</p> +<p> + "Who is he?" +</p> +<p> + "It is not Savoisy, and I will never say the name of a man that I + don't know." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the constable rose, took his wife by the arm to cut her + speech with a blow of the sword, but she, casting upon him an imperial + glance, cried— +</p> +<p> + "Kill me if you will, but touch me not." +</p> +<p> + "You shall live," replied the husband, "because I reserve you for a + chastisement more ample then death." +</p> +<p> + And doubting the inventions, snares, arguments, and artifices familiar + to women in these desperate situations, of which they study night and + day the variations, by themselves, or between themselves, he departed + with this rude and bitter speech. He went instantly to interrogate his + servants, presenting to them a face divinely terrible; so all of them + replied to him as they would to God the Father on the Judgment Day, + when each of us will be called to his account. +</p> +<p> + None of them knew the serious mischief which was at the bottom of + these summary interrogations and crafty interlocutions; but from all + that they said, the constable came to the conclusion that no male in + his house was in the business, except one of his dogs, whom he found + dumb, and to whom he had given the post of watching the gardens; so + taking him in his hands, he strangled him with rage. This fact incited + him by induction to suppose that the other constable came into his + house by the garden, of which the only entrance was a postern opening + on to the water side. +</p> +<p> + It is necessary to explain to those who are ignorant of it, the + locality of the Hotel d'Armagnac, which had a notable situation near + to the royal houses of St. Pol. On this site has since been built the + hotel of Longueville. Then as at the present time, the residence of + d'Armagnac had a porch of fine stone in Rue St. Antoine, was fortified + at all points, and the high walls by the river side, in face of the + Ile du Vaches, in the part where now stands the port of La Greve, were + furnished with little towers. The design of these has for a long time + been shown at the house of Cardinal Duprat, the king's Chancellor. The + constable ransacked his brains, and at the bottom, from his finest + stratagems, drew the best, and fitted it so well to the present case, + that the gallant would be certain to be taken like a hare in the trap. + "'Sdeath," said he, "my planter of horns is taken, and I have the time + now to think how I shall finish him off." +</p> +<p> + Now this is the order of battle which this grand hairy captain who + waged such glorious war against Duke Jean-sans-Peur commanded for the + assault of his secret enemy. He took a goodly number of his most loyal + and adroit archers, and placed them on the quay tower, ordering them + under the heaviest penalties to draw without distinction of persons, + except his wife, on those of his household who should attempt to leave + the gardens, and to admit therein, either by night or by day, the + favoured gentleman. The same was done on the porch side, in the Rue St + Antoine. +</p> +<p> + The retainers, even the chaplain, were ordered not to leave the house + under pain of death. Then the guard of the two sides of the hotel + having been committed to the soldiers of a company of ordnance, who + were ordered to keep a sharp lookout in the side streets, it was + certain that the unknown lover to whom the constable was indebted for + his pair of horns, would be taken warm, when, knowing nothing, he + should come at the accustomed hour of love to insolently plant his + standard in the heart of the legitimate appurtenances of the said lord + count. +</p> +<p> + It was a trap into which the most expert man would fall unless he was + seriously protected by the fates, as was the good St. Peter by the + Saviour when he prevented him going to the bottom of the sea the day + when they had a fancy to try if the sea were as solid as terra firma. +</p> +<p> + The constable had business with the inhabitants of Poissy, and was + obliged to be in the saddle after dinner, so that, knowing his + intention, the poor Countess Bonne determined at night to invite her + young gallant to that charming duel in which she was always the + stronger. +</p> +<p> + While the constable was making round his hotel a girdle of spies and + of death, and hiding his people near the postern to seize the gallant + as he came out, not knowing where he would spring from, his wife was + not amusing herself by threading peas nor seeking black cows in the + embers. First, the maid-servant who had been stuck, unstuck herself + and dragged herself to her mistress; she told her that her outraged + lord knew nothing, and that before giving up the ghost she would + comfort her dear mistress by assuring her that she could have perfect + confidence in her sister, who was laundress in the hotel, and was + willing to let herself be chopped up as small as sausage-meat to + please Madame. That she was the most adroit and roguish woman in the + neighbourhood, and renowned from the council chamber to the Trahoir + cross among the common people, and fertile in invention for the + desperate cases of love. +</p> +<p> + Then, while weeping for the decease of her good chamber woman, the + countess sent for the laundress, made her leave her tubs and join her + in rummaging the bag of good tricks, wishing to save Savoisy, even at + the price of her future salvation. +</p> +<p> + First of all the two women determined to let him know their lord and + master's suspicion, and beg him to be careful. +</p> +<p> + Now behold the good washerwoman who, carrying her tub like a mule, + attempts to leave the hotel. But at the porch she found a man-at-arms + who turned a deaf ear to all the blandishments of the wash-tub. Then + she resolved, from her great devotion, to take the soldier on his weak + side, and she tickled him so with her fondling that he romped very + well with her, although he was armour-plated ready for battle; but + when the game was over he still refused to let her go into the street + and although she tried to get herself a passport sealed by some of the + handsomest, believing them more gallant: neither the archers, + men-at-arms, nor others, dared open for her the smallest entrance of + the house. "You are wicked and ungrateful wretches," said she, "not to + render me a like service." +</p> +<p> + Luckily at this employment she learned everything, and came back in + great haste to her mistress, to whom she recounted the strange + machinations of the count. The two women held a fresh council and had + not considered, the time it takes to sing <i>Alleluia</i>, twice, these + warlike appearances, watches, defences, and equivocal, specious, and + diabolical orders and dispositions before they recognised by the sixth + sense with which all females are furnished, the special danger which + threatened the poor lover. +</p> +<p> + Madame having learned that she alone had leave to quit the house, + ventured quickly to profit by her right, but she did not go the length + of a bow-shot, since the constable had ordered four of his pages to be + always on duty ready to accompany the countess, and two of the ensigns + of his company not to leave her. Then the poor lady returned to her + chamber, weeping as much as all the Magdalens one sees in the church + pictures, could weep together. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said she, "my lover must then be killed, and I shall never see + him again! . . . he whose words were so sweet, whose manners were so + graceful, that lovely head that had so often rested on my knees, will + now be bruised . . . What! Can I not throw to my husband an empty and + valueless head in place of the one full of charms and worth . . . a + rank head for a sweet-smelling one; a hated head for a head of love." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Madame!" cried the washerwoman, "suppose we dress up in the + garments of a nobleman, the steward's son who is mad for me, and + wearies me much, and having thus accoutered him, we push him out + through the postern." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the two women looked at each other with assassinating eyes. +</p> +<p> + "This marplot," said she, "once slain, all those soldiers will fly + away like geese." +</p> +<p> + "Yes, but will not the count recognise the wretch?" +</p> +<p> + And the countess, striking her breast, exclaimed, shaking her head, + "No, no, my dear, here it is noble blood that must be spilt without + stint." +</p> +<p> + Then she thought a little, and jumping with joy, suddenly kissed the + laundress, saying, "Because I have saved my lover's life by your + counsel, I will pay you for his life until death." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the countess dried her tears, put on the face of a bride, + took her little bag and a prayer-book, and went towards the Church of + St. Pol whose bells she heard ringing, seeing that the last Mass was + about to be said. In this sweet devotion the countess never failed, + being a showy woman, like all the ladies of the court. Now this was + called the full-dress Mass, because none but fops, fashionables, young + gentlemen and ladies puffed out and highly scented, were to be met + there. In fact no dresses was seen there without armorial bearings, + and no spurs that were not gilt. +</p> +<p> + So the Countess of Bonne departed, leaving at the hotel the laundress + much astonished, and charged to keep her eyes about her, and came with + great pomp to the church, accompanied by her pages, the two ensigns + and men-at-arms. It is here necessary to say that among the band of + gallant knights who frisked round the ladies in church, the countess + had more than one whose joy she was, and who had given his heart to + her, after the fashion of youths who put down enough and to spare upon + their tablets, only in order to make a conquest of at least one out of + a great number. +</p> +<p> + Among these birds of fine prey who with open beaks looked oftener + between the benches and the paternosters than towards the altar and + the priests, there was one upon whom the countess sometimes bestowed + the charity of a glance, because he was less trifling and more deeply + smitten than all the others. +</p> +<p> + This one remained bashful, always stuck against the same pillar, never + moving from it, but readily ravished with the sight alone of this lady + whom he had chosen as his. His pale face was softly melancholy. His + physiognomy gave proof of fine heart, one of those which nourish + ardent passions and plunge delightedly into the despairs of love + without hope. Of these people there are few, because ordinarily one + likes more a certain thing than the unknown felicities lying and + flourishing at the bottommost depths of the soul. +</p> +<p> + This said gentleman, although his garments were well made, and clean + and neat, having even a certain amount of taste shown in the + arrangement, seemed to the constable's wife to be a poor knight + seeking fortune, and come from afar, with his nobility for his + portion. Now partly from a suspicion of his secret poverty, partly + because she was well beloved by him and a little because he had a good + countenance, fine black hair, and a good figure, and remained humble + and submissive in all, the constable's wife desired for him the favour + of women and of fortune, not to let his gallantry stand idle, and from + a good housewifely idea, she fired his imagination according to her + fantasies, by certain small favours and little looks which serpented + towards him like biting adders, trifling with the happiness of this + young life, like a princess accustomed to play with objects more + precious than a simple knight. In fact, her husband risked the whole + kingdom as you would a penny at piquet. Finally it was only three days + since, at the conclusion of vespers, that the constable's wife pointed + out to the queen this follower of love, said laughingly— +</p> +<p> + "There's a man of quality." +</p> +<p> + This sentence remained in the fashionable language. Later it became a + custom so to designate the people of the court. It was to the wife of + the constable d'Armagnac, and to no other source, that the French + language is indebted for this charming expression. +</p> +<p> + By a lucky chance the countess had surmised correctly concerning this + gentleman. He was a bannerless knight, named Julien de Boys-Bourredon, + who not having inherited on his estate enough to make a toothpick, and + knowing no other wealth than the rich nature with which his dead + mother had opportunely furnished him, conceived the idea of deriving + therefrom both rent and profit at court, knowing how fond ladies are + of those good revenues, and value them high and dear, when they can + stand being looked at between two suns. There are many like him who + have thus taken the narrow road of women to make their way; but he, + far from arranging his love in measured qualities, spend funds and + all, as soon as he came to the full-dress Mass, he saw the triumphant + beauty of the Countess Bonne. Then he fell really in love, which was a + grand thing for his crowns, because he lost both thirst and appetite. + This love is of the worst kind, because it incites you to the love of + diet, during the diet of love; a double malady, of which one is + sufficient to extinguish a man. +</p> +<p> + Such was the young gentlemen of whom the good lady had thought, and + towards whom she came quickly to invite him to his death. +</p> +<p> + On entering she saw the poor chevalier, who faithful to his pleasure, + awaited her, his back against a pillar, as a sick man longs for the + sun, the spring-time, and the dawn. Then she turned away her eyes, and + wished to go to the queen and request her assistance in this desperate + case, for she took pity on her lover, but one of the captains said to + her, with great appearance of respect, "Madame, we have orders not to + allow you to speak with man or woman, even though it should be the + queen or your confessor. And remember that the lives of all of us are + at stake." +</p> +<p> + "Is it not your business to die?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "And also to obey," replied the soldier. +</p> +<p> + Then the countess knelt down in her accustomed place, and again + regarding her faithful slave, found his face thinner and more deeply + lined than ever it had been. +</p> +<p> + "Bah!" said she, "I shall have less remorse for his death; he is half + dead as it is." +</p> +<p> + With this paraphrase of her idea, she cast upon the said gentleman one + of those warm ogles that are only allowable to princesses and harlots, + and the false love which her lovely eyes bore witness to, gave a + pleasant pang to the gallant of the pillar. Who does not love the warm + attack of life when it flows thus round the heart and engulfs + everything? +</p> +<p> + Madame recognised with a pleasure, always fresh in the minds of women, + the omnipotence of her magnificent regard by the answer which, without + saying a word, the chevalier made to it. And in fact, the blushes + which empurpled his cheeks spoke better than the best speeches of the + Greek and Latin orators, and were well understood. At this sweet + sight, the countess, to make sure that it was not a freak of nature, + took pleasure in experimentalising how far the virtue of her eyes + would go, and after having heated her slave more than thirty times, + she was confirmed in her belief that he would bravely die for her. + This idea so touched her, that from three repetitions between her + orisons she was tickled with the desire to put into a lump all the + joys of man, and to dissolve them for him in one single glance of + love, in order that she should not one day be reproached with having + not only dissipated the life, but also the happiness of this + gentleman. When the officiating priest turned round to sing the <i>Off + you go</i> to this fine gilded flock, the constable's wife went out by the + side of the pillar where her courtier was, passed in front of him and + endeavoured to insinuate into his understanding by a speaking glance + that he was to follow her, and to make positive the intelligence and + significant interpretation of this gentle appeal, the artful jade + turned round again a little after passing him to again request his + company. She saw that he had moved a little from his place, and dared + not advance, so modest was he, but upon this last sign, the gentleman, + sure of not being over-credulous, mixed with the crowd with little and + noiseless steps, like an innocent who is afraid of venturing into one + of those good places people call bad ones. And whether he walked + behind or in front, to the right or to the left, my lady bestowed upon + him a glistening glance to allure him the more and the better to draw + him to her, like a fisher who gently jerks the lines in order to hook + the gudgeon. To be brief: the countess practiced so well the + profession of the daughters of pleasure when they work to bring grist + into their mills, that one would have said nothing resembled a harlot + so much as a woman of high birth. And indeed, on arriving at the porch + of her hotel the countess hesitated to enter therein, and again turned + her face towards the poor chevalier to invite him to accompany her, + discharging at him so diabolical a glance, that he ran to the queen of + his heart, believing himself to be called by her. Thereupon, she + offered him her hand, and both boiling and trembling from the contrary + causes found themselves inside the house. At this wretched hour, + Madame d'Armagnac was ashamed of having done all these harlotries to + the profit of death, and of betraying Savoisy the better to save him; + but this slight remorse was lame as the greater, and came tardily. + Seeing everything ready, the countess leaned heavily upon her vassal's + arm, and said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Come quickly to my room; it is necessary that I should speak with + you." +</p> +<p> + And he, not knowing that his life was in peril, found no voice + wherewith to reply, so much did the hope of approaching happiness + choke him. +</p> +<p> + When the laundress saw this handsome gentleman so quickly hooked, + "Ah!" said she, "these ladies of the court are best at such work." + Then she honoured this courtier with a profound salutation, in which + was depicted the ironical respect due to those who have the great + courage to die for so little. +</p> +<p> + "Picard," said the constable's lady, drawing the laundress to her by + the skirt, "I have not the courage to confess to him the reward with + which I am about to pay his silent love and his charming belief in the + loyalty of women." +</p> +<p> + "Bah! Madame: why tell him? Send him away well contented by the + postern. So many men die in war for nothing, cannot this one die for + something? I'll produce another like him if that will console you." +</p> +<p> + "Come along," cried the countess, "I will confess all to him. That + will be the punishment for my sins." +</p> +<p> + Thinking that this lady was arranging with her servant certain + trifling provisions and secret things in order not to be disturbed in + the interview she had promised him, the unknown lover kept at a + discreet distance, looking at the flies. Nevertheless, he thought that + the countess was very bold, but also, as even a hunchback would have + done, he found a thousand reasons to justify her, and thought himself + quite worthy to inspire such recklessness. He was lost in those good + thoughts when the constable's wife opened the door of her chamber, and + invited the chevalier to follow her in. There his noble lady cast + aside all the apparel of her lofty fortune, and falling at the feet of + this gentleman, became a simple woman. +</p> +<p> + "Alas, sweet sir!" said she, "I have acted vilely towards you. Listen. + On your departure from this house, you will meet your death. The love + which I feel for another has bewildered me, and without being able to + hold his place here, you will have to take it before his murderers. + This is the joy to which I have bidden you." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" Replied Boys-Bourredon, interring in the depths of his heart a + dark despair, "I am grateful to you for having made use of me as of + something which belonged to you. . . . Yes, I love you so much that + every day you I have dreamed of offering you in imitation of the + ladies, a thing that can be given but once. Take, then, my life!" +</p> +<p> + And the poor chevalier, in saying this, gave her one glance to suffice + for all the time he would have been able to look at her through the + long days. Hearing these brave and loving words, Bonne rose suddenly. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! were it not for Savoisy, how I would love thee!" said she. +</p> +<p> + "Alas! my fate is then accomplished," replied Boys-Bourredon. "My + horoscope predicted that I should die by the love of a great lady. Ah, + God!" said he, clutching his good sword, "I will sell my life dearly, + but I shall die content in thinking that my decease ensures the + happiness of her I love. I should live better in her memory than in + reality." At the sight of the gesture and the beaming face of this + courageous man, the constable's wife was pierced to the heart. But + soon she was wounded to the quick because he seemed to wish to leave + her without even asking of her the smallest favour. +</p> +<p> + "Come, that I may arm you," said she to him, making an attempt to kiss + him. +</p> +<p> + "Ha! my lady-love," replied he, moistening with a gentle tear the fire + of his eyes, "would you render my death impossible by attaching too + great a value to my life?" +</p> +<p> + "Come," cried she, overcome by this intense love, "I do not know what + the end of all this will be, but come—afterwards we will go and + perish together at the postern." +</p> +<p> + The same flame leaped in their hearts, the same harmony had struck for + both, they embraced each other with a rapture in the delicious excess + of that mad fever which you know well I hope; they fell into a + profound forgetfulness of the dangers of Savoisy, of themselves, of + the constable, of death, of life, of everything. +</p> +<p> + Meanwhile the watchman at the porch had gone to inform the constable + of the arrival of the gallant, and to tell him how the infatuated + gentleman had taken no notice of the winks which, during Mass and on + the road, the countess had given him in order to prevent his + destruction. They met their master arriving in great haste at the + postern, because on their side the archers of the quay had whistled to + him afar off, saying to him— +</p> +<p> + "The Sire de Savoisy has passed in." +</p> +<p> + And indeed Savoisy had come at the appointed hour, and like all the + lovers, thinking only of his lady, he had not seen the count's spies + and had slipped in at the postern. This collision of lovers was the + cause of the constable's cutting short the words of those who came + from the Rue St. Antoine, saying to them with a gesture of authority, + that they did not think wise to disregard— +</p> +<p> + "I know that the animal is taken." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon all rushed with a great noise through this said postern, + crying, "Death to him! death to him!" and men-at-arms, archers, the + constable, and the captains, all rushed full tilt upon Charles + Savoisy, the king's nephew, who they attacked under the countess's + window, where by a strange chance, the groans of the poor young man + were dolorously exhaled, mingled with the yells of the soldiers, at + the same time as passionate sighs and cries were given forth by the + two lovers, who hastened up in great fear. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the countess, turning pale from terror, "Savoisy is dying + for me!" +</p> +<p> + "But I will live for you," replied Boys-Bourredon, "and shall esteem + it a joy to pay the same price for my happiness as he has done." +</p> +<p> + "Hide yourself in the clothes chest," cried the countess; "I hear the + constable's footsteps." +</p> +<p> + And indeed M. d'Armagnac appeared very soon with a head in his hand, + and putting it all bloody on the mantleshelf, "Behold, Madame," said + he, "a picture which will enlighten you concerning the duties of a + wife towards her husband." +</p> +<p> + "You have killed an innocent man," replied the countess, without + changing colour. "Savoisy was not my lover." +</p> +<p> + And with the this speech she looked proudly at the constable with a + face marked by so much dissimulation and feminine audacity, that the + husband stood looking as foolish as a girl who has allowed a note to + escape her below, before a numerous company, and he was afraid of + having made a mistake. +</p> +<p> + "Of whom were you thinking this morning?" asked he. +</p> +<p> + "I was dreaming of the king," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Then, my dear, why not have told me so?" +</p> +<p> + "Would you have believed me in the bestial passion you were in?" +</p> +<p> + The constable scratched his ear and replied— +</p> +<p> + "But how came Savoisy with the key of the postern?" +</p> +<p> + "I don't know," she said, curtly, "if you will have the goodness to + believe what I have said to you." +</p> +<p> + And his wife turned lightly on her heel like a weather-cock turned by + the wind, pretending to go and look after the household affairs. You + can imagine that D'Armagnac was greatly embarrassed with the head of + poor Savoisy, and that for his part Boys-Bourredon had no desire to + cough while listening to the count, who was growling to himself all + sorts of words. At length the constable struck two heavy blows over + the table and said, "I'll go and attack the inhabitants of Poissy." + Then he departed, and when the night was come Boys-Bourredon escaped + from the house in some disguise or other. +</p> +<p> + Poor Savoisy was sorely lamented by his lady, who had done all that a + woman could do to save her lover, and later he was more than wept, he + was regretted; for the countess having related this adventure to Queen + Isabella, her majesty seduced Boys-Bourredon from the service of her + cousin and put him to her own, so much was she touched with the + qualities and firm courage of this gentleman. +</p> +<p> + Boys-Bourredon was a man whom danger had well recommended to the + ladies. In fact he comported himself so proudly in everything in the + lofty fortune, which the queen had made for him, that having badly + treated King Charles one day when the poor man was in his proper + senses, the courtiers, jealous of favour, informed the king of his + cuckoldom. Boys-Bourredon was in a moment sewn in a sack and thrown + into the Seine, near the ferry at Charenton, as everyone knows. I have + no need add, that since the day when the constable took it into his + head to play thoughtlessly with knives, his good wife utilised so well + the two deaths he had caused and threw them so often in his face, that + she made him as soft as a cat's paw and put him in the straight road + of marriage; and he proclaimed her a modest and virtuous constable's + lady, as indeed she was. As this book should, according to the maxims + of great ancient authors, join certain useful things to the good + laughs which you will find therein and contain precepts of high taste, + I beg to inform you that the quintessence of the story is this: That + women need never lose their heads in serious cases, because the God of + Love never abandons them, especially when they are beautiful, young, + and of good family; and that gallants when going to keep an amorous + assignation should never go there like giddy young men, but carefully, + and keep a sharp look-out near the burrow, to avoid falling into + certain traps and to preserve themselves; for after a good woman the + most precious thing is, certes, a pretty gentleman. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0012"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE MAID OF THILOUSE +</h2> +<p> + The lord of Valennes, a pleasant place, of which the castle is not far + from the town of Thilouse, had taken a mean wife, who by reason of + taste or antipathy, pleasure or displeasure, health or sickness, + allowed her good husband to abstain from those pleasures stipulated + for in all contracts of marriage. In order to be just, it should be + stated that the above-mentioned lord was a dirty and ill-favoured + person, always hunting wild animals and not the more entertaining than + is a room full of smoke. And what is more, the said sportsman was all + sixty years of age, on which subject, however, he was a silent as a + hempen widow on the subject of rope. But nature, which the crooked, + the bandy-legged, the blind, and the ugly abuse so unmercifully here + below, and have no more esteem for her than the well-favoured,—since, + like workers of tapestry, they know not what they do,—gives the same + appetite to all and to all the same mouth for pudding. So every beast + finds a mate, and from the same fact comes the proverb, "There is no + pot, however ugly, that does not one day find a cover." Now the lord + of Valennes searched everywhere for nice little pots to cover, and + often in addition to wild, he hunted tame animals; but this kind of + game was scarce in the land, and it was an expensive affair to + discover a maid. At length however by reason of much ferreting about + and much enquiry, it happened that the lord of Valennes was informed + that in Thilouse was the widow of a weaver who had a real treasure in + the person of a little damsel of sixteen years, whom she had never + allowed to leave her apronstrings, and whom, with great maternal + forethought, she always accompanied when the calls of nature demanded + her obedience; she had her to sleep with her in her own bed, watched + over her, got her up in the morning, and put her to such a work that + between the twain they gained about eight pennies a day. On fete days + she took her to the church, scarcely giving her a spare moment to + exchange a merry word with the young people; above all was she strict + in keeping hands off the maiden. +</p> +<p> + But the times were just then so hard that the widow and her daughter + had only bread enough to save them from dying of hunger, and as they + lodged with one of their poor relations, they often wanted wood in + winter and clothes in summer, owing enough rent to frighten sergeants + of justice, men who are not easily frightened at the debts of others; + in short, while the daughter was increasing in beauty, the mother was + increasing in poverty, and ran into debt on account of her daughter's + virginity, as an alchemist will for the crucible in which his all is + cast. As soon as his plans were arranged and perfect, one rainy day + the said lord of Valennes by a mere chance came into the hovel of the + two spinners, and in order to dry himself sent for some fagots to + Plessis, close by. While waiting for them, he sat on a stool between + the two poor women. By means of the grey shadows and half light of the + cabin, he saw the sweet countenance of the maid of Thilouse; her arms + were red and firm, her breasts hard as bastions, which kept the cold + from her heart, her waist round as a young oak and all fresh and clean + and pretty, like the first frost, green and tender as an April bud; in + fact, she resembled all that is prettiest in the world. She had eyes + of a modest and virtuous blue, with a look more coy than that of the + Virgin, for she was less forward, never having had a child. +</p> +<p> + Had any one said to her, "Come, let us make love," she would have + said, "Love! What is that?" she was so innocent and so little open to + the comprehensions of the thing. +</p> +<p> + The good old lord twisted about upon his stool, eyeing the maid and + stretching his neck like a monkey trying to catch nuts, which the + mother noticed, but said not a word, being in fear of the lord to whom + the whole of the country belonged. When the fagot was put into the + grate and flared up, the good hunter said to the old woman, "Ah, ah! + that warms one almost as much as your daughter's eyes." +</p> +<p> + "But alas, my lord," said she, "we have nothing to cook on that fire." +</p> +<p> + "Oh yes," replied he. +</p> +<p> + "What?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah, my good woman, lend your daughter to my wife, who has need of a + good handmaiden: we will give you two fagots every day." +</p> +<p> + "Oh, my lord, what could I cook at such a good fire?" +</p> +<p> + "Why," replied the old rascal, "good broth, for I will give you a + measure of corn in season." +</p> +<p> + "Then," replied the old hag, "where shall I put it?" +</p> +<p> + "In your dish," answered the purchaser of innocence. +</p> +<p> + "But I have neither dish nor flower-bin, nor anything." +</p> +<p> + "Well I will give you dishes and flower-bins, saucepans, flagons, a + good bed with curtains, and everything." +</p> +<p> + "Yes," replied the good widow, "but the rain would spoil them, I have + no house." +</p> +<p> + "You can see from here," replied the lord, "the house of La + Tourbelliere, where lived my poor huntsmen Pillegrain, who was ripped + up by a boar?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said the old woman. +</p> +<p> + "Well, you can make yourself at home there for the rest of your days." +</p> +<p> + "By my faith;" cried the mother, letting fall her distaff, "do you + mean what you say?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Well, then, what will you give my daughter?" +</p> +<p> + "All that she is willing to gain in my service." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! my lord, you are a joking." +</p> +<p> + "No," said he. +</p> +<p> + "Yes," said she. +</p> +<p> + "By St. Gatien, St. Eleuther, and by the thousand million saints who + are in heaven, I swear that—" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! Well; if you are not jesting I should like those fagots to pass + through the hands of the notary." +</p> +<p> + "By the blood of Christ and the charms of your daughter am I not a + gentleman? Is not my word good enough?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! well I don't say that it is not; but as true as I am a poor + spinner I love my child too much to leave her; she is too young and + weak at present, she will break down in service. Yesterday, in his + sermon, the vicar said that we should have to answer to God for our + children." +</p> +<p> + "There! There!" said the lord, "go and find the notary." +</p> +<p> + An old woodcutter ran to the scrivener, who came and drew up a + contract, to which the lord of Valennes then put his cross, not + knowing how to write, and when all was signed and sealed— +</p> +<p> + "Well, old lady," said he, "now you are no longer answerable to God + for the virtue of your child." +</p> +<p> + "Ah! my lord, the vicar said until the age of reason, and my child is + quite reasonable." Then turning towards her, she added, "Marie Fiquet, + that which is dearest to you is your honour, and there where you are + going everyone, without counting my lord, will try to rob you of it, + but you see well what it is worth; for that reason do not lose it save + willingly and in proper manner. Now in order not to contaminate your + virtue before God and before man, except for a legitimate motive, take + heed that your chance of marriage be not damaged beforehand, otherwise + you will go to the bad." +</p> +<p> + "Yes, dear mother," replied the maid. +</p> +<p> + And thereupon she left the poor abode of her relation, and came to the + chateau of Valennes, there to serve my lady, who found her both pretty + and to her taste. +</p> +<p> + When the people of Valennes, Sache, Villaines, and other places, + learned the high price given for the maid of Thilouse, the good + housewives recognising the fact that nothing is more profitable than + virtue, endeavoured to nourish and bring up their daughters virtuous, + but the business was as risky as that of rearing silkworms, which are + liable to perish, since innocence is like a medlar, and ripens quickly + on the straw. There were, however, some girls noted for it in + Touraine, who passed for virgins in the convents of the religious, but + I cannot vouch for these, not having proceeded to verify them in the + manner laid down by Verville, in order to make sure of the perfect + virtue of women. However, Marie Fiquet followed the wise counsel of + her mother, and would take no notice of the soft requests, honied + words, or apish tricks of her master, unless they were flavoured with + a promise of marriage. +</p> +<p> + When the old lord tried to kiss her, she would put her back up like a + cat at the approach of a dog, crying out "I will tell Madame!" In + short at the end of six months he had not even recovered the price of + a single fagot. From her labour Marie Fiquet became harder and firmer. + Sometimes she would reply to the gentle request of her master, "When + you have taken it from me will you give it me back again?" +</p> +<p> + Another time she would say, "If I were as full of holes as a sieve not + one should be for you, so ugly do I think you." +</p> +<p> + The good old man took these village sayings for flowers of innocence, + and ceased not make little signs to her, long harangues and a hundred + vows and sermons, for by reason of seeing the fine breasts of the + maid, her plump hips, which at certain movements came into prominent + relief, and by reason of admiring other things capable of inflaming + the mind of a saint, this dear men became enamoured of her with an old + man's passion, which augments in geometrical proportions as opposed to + the passions of young men, because the old men love with their + weakness which grows greater, and the young with their strength which + grows less. In order to leave this headstrong girl no loophole for + refusal, the old lord took into his confidence the steward, whose age + was seventy odd years, and made him understand that he ought to marry + in order to keep his body warm, and that Marie Fiquet was the very + girl to suit him. The old steward, who had gained three hundred pounds + by different services about the house, desired to live quietly without + opening the front door again; but his good master begged him to marry + to please him, assuring him that he need not trouble about his wife. + So the good steward wandered out of sheer good nature into this + marriage. The day of the wedding, bereft of all her reasons, and not + able to find objections to her pursuer, she made him give her a fat + settlement and dowry as the price of her conquest, and then gave the + old knave leave to wink at her as often as he could, promising him as + many embraces as he had given grains of wheat to her mother. But at + his age a bushel was sufficient. +</p> +<p> + The festivities over, the lord did not fail, as soon as his wife had + retired, to wend his way towards the well-glazed, well-carpeted, and + pretty room where he had lodged his lass, his money, his fagots, his + house, his wheat, and his steward. To be brief, know that he found the + maid of Thilouse the sweetest girl in the world, as pretty as + anything, by the soft light of the fire which was gleaming in the + chimney, snug between the sheets, and with a sweet odour about her, as + a young maiden should have, and in fact he had no regret for the great + price of this jewel. Not being able to restrain himself from hurrying + over the first mouthfuls of this royal morsel, the lord treated her + more as a past master than a young beginner. So the happy man by too + much gluttony, managed badly, and in fact knew nothing of the sweet + business of love. Finding which, the good wench said, after a minute + or two, to her old cavalier, "My lord, if you are there, as I think + you are, give a little more swing to your bells." +</p> +<p> + From this saying, which became spread about, I know not how, Marie + Fiquet became famous, and it is still said in our country, "She is a + maid of Thilouse," in mockery of a bride, and to signify a + "fricquenelle." +</p> +<p> + "Fricquenelle" is said of a girl I do not wish you to find in your + arms on your wedding night, unless you have been brought up in the + philosophy of Zeno, which puts up with anything, and there are many + people obliged to be Stoics in this funny situation, which is often + met with, for Nature turns, but changes not, and there are always good + maids of Thilouse to be found in Touraine, and elsewhere. Now if you + asked me in what consists, or where comes in, the moral of this tale? + I am at liberty to reply to the ladies; that the Cent Contes + Drolatiques are made more to teach the moral of pleasure than to + procure the pleasure of pointing a moral. But if it were a used up old + rascal who asked me, I should say to him with all the respect due to + his yellow or grey locks; that God wishes to punish the lord of + Valennes, for trying to purchase a jewel made to be given. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0013"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS +</h2> +<p> + At the commencement of the reign of King Henry, second of the name, + who loved so well the fair Diana, there existed still a ceremony of + which the usage has since become much weakened, and which has + altogether disappeared, like an infinity of the good things of the + olden times. This fine and noble custom was the choice which all + knights made of a brother-in-arms. After having recognised each other + as two loyal and brave men, each one of this pretty couple was married + for life to the other; both became brothers, the one had to defend the + other in battling against the enemies who threatened him, and at Court + against the friends who slandered him. In the absence of his companion + the other was expected to say to one who should have accused his good + brother of any disloyalty, wickedness or dark felony, "You have lied + by your throat," and so go into the field instantly, so sure was the + one of the honour of the other. There is no need to add, that the one + was always the second of the other in all affairs, good or evil, and + that they shared all good or evil fortune. They were better than the + brothers who are only united by the hazard of nature, since they were + fraternised by the bonds of an especial sentiment, involuntary and + mutual, and thus the fraternity of arms has produced splendid + characters, as brave as those of the ancient Greeks, Romans, or + others. . . . But this is not my subject; the history of these things + has been written by the historians of our country, and everyone knows + them. +</p> +<p> + Now at this time two young gentlemen of Touraine, of whom one was the + Cadet of Maille, and the other Sieur de Lavalliere, became + brothers-in-arms on the day they gained their spurs. They were leaving + the house of Monsieur de Montmorency, where they had been nourished with + the good doctrines of this great Captain, and had shown how contagious + is valour in such good company, for at the battle of Ravenna they + merited the praises of the oldest knights. It was in the thick of this + fierce fight that Maille, saved by the said Lavalliere, with whom he + had had a quarrel or two, perceived that this gentleman had a noble + heart. As they had each received slashes in the doublets, they + baptised their fraternity with their blood, and were ministered to + together in one and the same bed under the tent of Monsieur de + Montmorency their master. It is necessary to inform you that, contrary + to the custom of his family, which was always to have a pretty face, + the Cadet of Maille was not of a pleasing physiognomy, and had + scarcely any beauty but that of the devil. For the rest he was lithe + as a greyhound, broad shouldered and strongly built as King Pepin, who + was a terrible antagonist. On the other hand, the Sieur de Lavalliere + was a dainty fellow, for whom seemed to have been invented rich laces, + silken hose, and cancellated shoes. His long dark locks were pretty as + a lady's ringlets, and he was, to be brief, a child with whom all the + women would be glad to play. One day the Dauphine, niece of the Pope, + said laughingly to the Queen of Navarre, who did not dislike these + little jokes, "that this page was a plaster to cure every ache," which + caused the pretty little Tourainian to blush, because, being only + sixteen, he took this gallantry as a reproach. +</p> +<p> + Now on his return from Italy the Cadet of Maille found the slipper of + marriage ready for his foot, which his mother had obtained for him in + the person of Mademoiselle d'Annebaut, who was a graceful maiden of + good appearance, and well furnished with everything, having a splendid + hotel in the Rue Barbette, with handsome furniture and Italian + paintings and many considerable lands to inherit. Some days after the + death of King Francis—a circumstance which planted terror in the + heart of everyone, because his said Majesty had died in consequence of + an attack of the Neapolitan sickness, and that for the future there + would be no security even with princesses of the highest birth—the + above-named Maille was compelled to quit the Court in order to go and + arrange certain affairs of great importance in Piedmont. You may be + sure that he was very loath to leave his good wife, so young, so + delicate, so sprightly, in the midst of the dangers, temptations, + snares and pitfalls of this gallant assemblage, which comprised so + many handsome fellows, bold as eagles, proud of mein, and as fond of + women as the people are partial to Paschal hams. In this state of + intense jealousy everything made him ill at ease; but by dint of much + thinking, it occurred to him to make sure of his wife in the manner + about to be related. He invited his good brother-in-arms to come at + daybreak on the morning of his departure. Now directly he heard + Lavalliere's horse in the courtyard, he leaped out of bed, leaving his + sweet and fair better-half sleeping that gentle, dreamy, dozing sleep + so beloved by dainty ladies and lazy people. Lavalliere came to him, + and the two companions, hidden in the embrasure of the window, greeted + each other with a loyal clasp of the hand, and immediately Lavalliere + said to Maille— +</p> +<p> + "I should have been here last night in answer to thy summons, but I + had a love suit on with my lady, who had given me an assignation; I + could in no way fail to keep it, but I quitted her at dawn. Shall I + accompany thee? I have told her of thy departure, she has promised me + to remain without any amour; we have made a compact. If she deceives + me—well a friend is worth more than a mistress!" +</p> +<p> + "Oh! my good brother" replied the Maille, quite overcome with these + words, "I wish to demand of thee a still higher proof of thy brave + heart. Wilt thou take charge of my wife, defend her against all, be + her guide, keep her in check and answer to me for the integrity of my + head? Thou canst stay here during my absence, in the green-room, and + be my wife's cavalier." +</p> +<p> + Lavalliere knitted his brow and said— +</p> +<p> + "It is neither thee nor thy wife that I fear, but evil-minded people, + who will take advantage of this to entangle us like skeins of silk." +</p> +<p> + "Do not be afraid of me," replied Maille, clasping Lavalliere to his + breast. "If it be the divine will of the Almighty that I should have + the misfortune to be a cuckold, I should be less grieved if it were to + your advantage. But by my faith I should die of grief, for my life is + bound up in my good, young, virtuous wife." +</p> +<p> + Saying which, he turned away his head, in order that Lavalliere should + not perceive the tears in his eyes; but the fine courtier saw this + flow of water, and taking the hand of Maille— +</p> +<p> + "Brother," said he to him, "I swear to thee on my honour as a man, + that before anyone lays a finger on thy wife, he shall have felt my + dagger in the depth of his veins! And unless I should die, thou shalt + find her on thy return, intact in body if not in heart, because + thought is beyond the control of gentlemen." +</p> +<p> + "It is then decreed above," exclaimed Maille, "that I shall always be + thy servant and thy debtor!" +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the comrade departed, in order not to be inundated with the + tears, exclamations, and other expressions of grief which ladies make + use of when saying "Farewell." Lavalliere having conducted him to the + gate of the town, came back to the hotel, waited until Marie + d'Annebaut was out of bed, informed her of the departure of her good + husband, and offered to place himself at her orders, in such a + graceful manner, that the most virtuous woman would have been tickled + with a desire to keep such a knight to herself. But there was no need + of this fine paternoster to indoctrinate the lady, seeing that she had + listened to the discourse of the two friends, and was greatly offended + at her husband's doubt. Alas! God alone is perfect! In all the ideas + of men there is always a bad side, and it is therefore a great science + in life, but an impossible science, to take hold of everything, even a + stick by the right end. The cause of the great difficulty there is in + pleasing the ladies is, that there is it in them a thing which is more + woman than they are, and but for the respect which is due to them, I + would use another word. Now we should never awaken the phantasy of + this malevolent thing. The perfect government of woman is a task to + rend a man's heart, and we are compelled to remain in perfect + submission to them; that is, I imagine, the best manner in which to + solve the most agonising enigma of marriage. +</p> +<p> + Now Marie d'Annebaut was delighted with the bearing and offers of this + gallant; but there was something in her smile which indicated a + malicious idea, and, to speak plainly, the intention of putting her + young guardian between honour and pleasure; to regale him so with + love, to surround him with so many little attentions, to pursue him + with such warm glances, that he would be faithless to friendship, to + the advantage of gallantry. +</p> +<p> + Everything was in perfect trim for the carrying out of her design, + because of the companionship which the Sire de Lavalliere would be + obliged to have with her during his stay in the hotel, and as there is + nothing in the world can turn a woman from her whim, at every turn the + artful jade was ready to catch him in a trap. +</p> +<p> + At times she would make him remain seated near her by the fire, until + twelve o'clock at night, singing soft refrains, and at every + opportunity showed her fair shoulders, and the white temptations of + which her corset was full, and casting upon him a thousand piercing + glances, all without showing in her face the thoughts that surged in + her brain. +</p> +<p> + At times she would walk with him in the morning, in the gardens of the + hotel, leaning heavily upon his arm, pressing it, sighing, and making + him tie the laces of her little shoes, which were always coming undone + in that particular place. Then it would be those soft words and things + which the ladies understand so well, little attentions paid to a + guest, such as coming in to see if he were comfortable, if his bed + were well made, the room clean, if the ventilation were good, if he + felt any draughts in the night, if the sun came in during the day, and + asking him to forgo none of his usual fancies and habits, saying— +</p> +<p> + "Are you accustomed to take anything in the morning in bed, such as + honey, milk, or spice? Do the meal times suit you? I will conform mine + to yours: tell me. You are afraid to ask me. Come—" +</p> +<p> + She accompanied these coddling little attentions with a hundred + affected speeches; for instance, on coming into the room she would + say— +</p> +<p> + "I am intruding, send me away. You want to be left alone—I will go." + And always was she graciously invited to remain. +</p> +<p> + And the cunning Madame always came lightly attired, showing samples of + her beauty, which would have made a patriarch neigh, even were he as + much battered by time as must have been Mr. Methusaleh, with his nine + hundred and sixty years. +</p> +<p> + That good knight being as sharp as a needle, let the lady go on with + her tricks, much pleased to see her occupy herself with him, since it + was so much gained; but like a loyal brother, he always called her + absent husband to the lady's mind. +</p> +<p> + Now one evening—the day had been very warm—Lavalliere suspecting the + lady's games, told her that Maille loved her dearly, that she had in + him a man of honour, a gentleman who doted on her, and was ticklish on + the score of his crown. +</p> +<p> + "Why then, if he is so ticklish in this manner, has he placed you + here?" +</p> +<p> + "Was it not a most prudent thing?" replied he. "Was it not necessary + to confide you to some defender of your virtue? Not that it needs one + save to protect you from wicked men." +</p> +<p> + "Then you are my guardian?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "I am proud of it!" exclaimed Lavalliere. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "he has made a very bad choice." +</p> +<p> + This remark was accompanied by a little look, so lewdly lascivious + that the good brother-in-arms put on, by way of reproach, a severe + countenance, and left the fair lady alone, much piqued at this refusal + to commence love's conflict. +</p> +<p> + She remained in deep meditation, and began to search for the real + obstacle that she had encountered, for it was impossible that it + should enter the mind of any lady, that a gentleman could despise that + bagatelle which is of such great price and so high value. Now these + thoughts knitted and joined together so well, one fitting into the + other, that out of little pieces she constructed a perfect whole, and + found herself desperately in love; which should teach the ladies never + to play with a man's weapons, seeing that like glue, they always stick + to the fingers. +</p> +<p> + By this means Marie d'Annebaut came to a conclusion which she should + have known at the commencement—viz., that to keep clear of her + snares, the good knight must be smitten with some other lady, and + looking round her, to see where her young guest could have found a + needle-case to his taste, she thought of the fair Limeuil, one of + Queen Catherine's maids, of Mesdames de Nevers, d'Estree, and de Giac, + all of whom were declared friends of Lavalliere, and of the lot he + must love one to distraction. +</p> +<p> + From this belief, she added the motive of jealousy to the others which + tempted her to seduce her Argus, whom she did not wish to wound, but + to perfume, kiss his head, and treat kindly. +</p> +<p> + She was certainly more beautiful, young, and more appetising and + gentle than her rivals; at least, that was the melodious decree of her + imaginations. So, urged on by the chords and springs of conscience, + and physical causes which affect women, she returned to the charge, to + commence a fresh assault upon the heart of the chevalier, for the + ladies like that which is well fortified. +</p> +<p> + Then she played the pussy-cat, and nestled up close to him, became so + sweetly sociable, and wheedled so gently, that one evening when she + was in a desponding state, although merry enough in her inmost soul, + the guardian-brother asked her— +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter with you?" +</p> +<p> + To which she replied to him dreamily, being listened to by him as the + sweetest music— +</p> +<p> + That she had married Maille against her heart's will, and that she was + very unhappy; that she knew not the sweets of love; that her husband + did not understand her, and that her life was full of tears. In fact, + that she was a maiden in heart and all, since she confessed in + marriage she had experienced nothing but the reverse of pleasure. And + she added, that surely this holy state should be full of sweetmeats + and dainties of love, because all the ladies hurried into it, and + hated and were jealous of those who out-bid them, for it cost certain + people pretty dear; that she was so curious about it that for one good + day or night of love, she would give her life, and always be obedient + to her lover without a murmur; but that he with whom she would sooner + than all others try the experiment would not listen to her; that, + nevertheless, the secret of their love might be kept eternally, so + great was her husband's confidence in him, and that finally if he + still refused it would kill her. +</p> +<p> + And all these paraphrases of the common canticle known to the ladies + at their birth were ejaculated between a thousand pauses, interrupted + with sighs torn from the heart, ornamented with quiverings, appeals to + heaven, upturned eyes, sudden blushings and clutchings at her hair. In + fact, no ingredient of temptation was lacking in the dish, and at the + bottom of all these words there was a nipping desire which embellished + even its blemishes. The good knight fell at the lady's feet, and + weeping took them and kissed them, and you may be sure the good woman + was quite delighted to let him kiss them, and even without looking too + carefully to see what she was going to do, she abandoned her dress to + him, knowing well that to keep it from sweeping the ground it must be + taken at the bottom to raise it; but it was written that for that + evening she should be good, for the handsome Lavalliere said to her + with despair— +</p> +<p> + "Ah, madame, I am an unfortunate man and a wretch." +</p> +<p> + "Not at all," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Alas, the joy of loving you is denied to me." +</p> +<p> + "How?" said she. +</p> +<p> + "I dare not confess my situation to you!" +</p> +<p> + "Is it then very bad?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah, you will be ashamed of me!" +</p> +<p> + "Speak, I will hide my face in my hands," and the cunning madame hid + her face is such a way that she could look at her well-beloved between + her fingers. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said he, "the other evening when you addressed me in such + gracious words, I was so treacherously inflamed, that not knowing my + happiness to be so near, and not daring to confess my flame to you, I + ran to a Bordel where all the gentleman go, and there for love of you, + and to save the honour of my brother whose head I should blush to + dishonour, I was so badly infected that I am in great danger of dying + of the Italian sickness." +</p> +<p> + The lady, seized with terror, gave vent to the cry of a woman in + labour, and with great emotion, repulsed him with a gentle little + gesture. Poor Lavalliere, finding himself in so pitiable state, went + out of the room, but he had not even reached the tapestries of the + door, when Marie d'Annebaut again contemplated him, saying to herself, + "Ah! what a pity!" Then she fell into a state of great melancholy, + pitying in herself the gentleman, and became the more in love with him + because he was fruit three times forbidden. +</p> +<p> + "But for Maille," said she to him, one evening that she thought him + handsomer than unusual, "I would willingly take your disease. Together + we should then have the same terrors." +</p> +<p> + "I love you too well," said the brother, "not to be good." +</p> +<p> + And he left her to go to his beautiful Limeuil. You can imagine that + being unable to refuse to receive the burning glances of the lady, + during meal times, and the evenings, there was a fire nourished that + warmed them both, but she was compelled to live without touching her + cavalier, otherwise than with her eyes. Thus occupied, Marie + d'Annebaut was fortified at every point against the gallants of the + Court, for there are no bounds so impassable as those of love, and no + better guardian; it is like the devil, he whom it has in its clutches + it surrounds with flames. One evening, Lavalliere having escorted his + friend's wife to a dance given by Queen Catherine, he danced with the + fair Limeuil, with whom he was madly in love. At that time the knights + carried on their amours bravely two by two, and even in troops. Now + all the ladies were jealous of La Limeuil, who at that time was + thinking of yielding to the handsome Lavalliere. Before taking their + places in the quadrille, she had given him the sweetest of + assignations for the morrow, during the hunt. Our great Queen + Catherine, who from political motives fermented these loves and + stirred them up, like pastrycooks make the oven fires burn by poking, + glanced at all the pretty couples interwoven in the quadrille, and + said to her husband— +</p> +<p> + "When they combat here, can they conspire against you, eh?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah! but the Protestants?" +</p> +<p> + "Bah! have them here as well," said she, laughing. "Why, look at + Lavalliere, who is suspected to be a Huguenot; he is converted by my + dear little Limeuil, who does not play her cards badly for a young + lady of sixteen. He will soon have her name down in his list." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, Madame! do not believe it," said Marie d'Annebaut, "he is ruined + through that same sickness of Naples which made you queen." +</p> +<p> + At this artless confession, Catherine, the fair Diana, and the king, + who were sitting together, burst out laughing, and the thing ran round + the room. This brought endless shame and mockery upon Lavalliere. The + poor gentleman, pointed at by everyone, soon wished somebody else in + his shoes, for La Limeuil, who his rivals had not been slow laughingly + to warn of her danger, appeared to shrink from her lover, so rapid was + the spread, and so violent the apprehensions of this nasty disease. + Thus Lavalliere found himself abandoned by everyone like a leper. The + king made an offensive remark, and the good knight quitted the + ball-room, followed by poor Marie in despair at the speech. She had in + every way ruined the man she loved: she had destroyed his honour, and + marred his life, since the physicians and master surgeons advance as a + fact, incapable of contradiction, that persons Italianised by this + love sickness, lost through it their greatest attractions, as well as + their generative powers, and their bones went black. +</p> +<p> + Thus no woman would bind herself in legitimate marriage with the + finest gentlemen in the kingdom if he were only suspected of being one + of those whom Master Frances Rabelais named "his very precious scabby + ones. . . . ." +</p> +<p> + As the handsome knight was very silent and melancholy, his companion + said to him on the road home from Hercules House, where the fete had + been held— +</p> +<p> + "My dear lord, I have done you a great mischief." +</p> +<p> + "Ah, madame!" replied Lavalliere, "my hurt is curable; but into what a + predicament have you fallen? You should not have been aware of the + danger of my love." +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "I am sure now always to have you to myself; in + exchange for this great obloquy and dishonour, I will be forever your + friend, your hostess, and your lady-love—more than that, your + servant. My determination is to devote myself to you and efface the + traces of this shame; to cure you by a watch and ward; and if the + learned in these matters declare that the disease has such a hold of + you that it will kill you like our defunct sovereign, I must still + have your company in order to die gloriously in dying of your + complaint. Even then," said she, weeping, "that will not be penance + enough to atone for the wrong I have done you." +</p> +<p> + These words were accompanied with big tears; her virtuous heart waxed + faint, she fell to the ground exhausted. Lavalliere, terrified, caught + her and placed his hand upon her heart, below a breast of matchless + beauty. The lady revived at the warmth of this beloved hand, + experiencing such exquisite delights as nearly to make her again + unconscious. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said she, "this sly and superficial caress will be for the + future the only pleasure of our love. It will still be a hundred times + better than the joys which poor Maille fancies he is bestowing on me. + . . . Leave your hand there," said she; "verily it is upon my soul, + and touches it." +</p> +<p> + At these words the knight was in a pitiful plight, and innocently + confessed to the Lady that he experienced so much pleasure at this + touch that the pains of his malady increased, and that death was + preferable to this martyrdom. +</p> +<p> + "Let us die then," said she. +</p> +<p> + But the litter was in the courtyard of the hotel, and as the means of + death was not handy, each one slept far from the other, heavily + weighed down with love, Lavalliere having lost his fair Limeuil, and + Marie d'Annebaut having gained pleasures without parallel. +</p> +<p> + From this affair, which was quite unforeseen, Lavalliere found himself + under the ban of love and marriage and dared no longer appear in + public, and he found how much it costs to guard the virtue of a woman; + but the more honour and virtue he displayed the more pleasure did he + experience in these great sacrifices offered at the shrine of + brotherhood. Nevertheless, his duty was very bitter, very ticklish, + and intolerable to perform, towards the last days of his guard. And in + this way. +</p> +<p> + The confession of her love, which she believed was returned, the wrong + done by her to her cavalier, and the experience of an unknown + pleasure, emboldened the fair Marie, who fell into a platonic love, + gently tempered with those little indulgences in which there is no + danger. From this cause sprang the diabolical pleasures of the game + invented by the ladies, who since the death of Francis the First + feared the contagion, but wished to gratify their lovers. To these + cruel delights, in order to properly play his part, Lavalliere could + not refuse his sanction. Thus every evening the mournful Marie would + attach her guest to her petticoats, holding his hand, kissing him with + burning glances, her cheek placed gently against his, and during this + virtuous embrace, in which the knight was held like the devil by a + holy water brush, she told him of her great love, which was boundless + since it stretched through the infinite spaces of unsatisfied desire. + All the fire with which the ladies endow their substantial amours, + when the night has no other lights than their eyes, she transferred + into the mystic motions of her head, the exultations of her soul, and + the ecstasies of her heart. Then, naturally, and with the delicious + joy of two angels united by thought alone, they intoned together those + sweet litanies repeated by the lovers of the period in honour of + love—anthems which the abbot of Theleme has paragraphically saved + from oblivion by engraving them on the walls of his Abbey, situated, + according to master Alcofribas, in our land of Chinon, where I have + seen them in Latin, and have translated them for the benefit of + Christians. +</p> +<p> + "Alas!" said Marie d'Annebaut, "thou art my strength and my life, my + joy and my treasure." +</p> +<p> + "And you," replied he "you are a pearl, an angel." +</p> +<p> + "Thou art my seraphim." +</p> +<p> + "You my soul." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my God." +</p> +<p> + "You my evening star and morning star, my honour, my beauty, my + universe." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my great my divine master." +</p> +<p> + "You my glory, my faith, my religion." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my gentle one, my handsome one, my courageous one, my dear one, + my cavalier, my defender, my king, my love." +</p> +<p> + "You my fairy, the flower of my days, the dream of my nights." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my thought at every moment." +</p> +<p> + "You the delights of my eyes." +</p> +<p> + "Thou the voice of my soul." +</p> +<p> + "You my light by day." +</p> +<p> + "Thou my glimmer in the night." +</p> +<p> + "You the best beloved among women." +</p> +<p> + "Thou the most adored of men." +</p> +<p> + "You my blood, a myself better than myself." +</p> +<p> + "Thou art my heart, my lustre." +</p> +<p> + "You my saint, my only joy." +</p> +<p> + "I yield thee the palm of love, and how great so'er mine be, I believe + thou lovest me still more, for thou art the lord." +</p> +<p> + "No; the palm is yours, my goddess, my Virgin Marie." +</p> +<p> + "No; I am thy servant, thine handmaiden, a nothing thou canst crush to + atoms." +</p> +<p> + "No, no! it is I who am your slave, your faithful page, whom you see + as a breath of air, upon whom you can walk as on a carpet. My heart is + your throne." +</p> +<p> + "No, dearest, for thy voice transfigures me." +</p> +<p> + "Your regard burns me." +</p> +<p> + "I see but thee." +</p> +<p> + "I love but you." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! put thine hand upon my heart—only thine hand—and thou will see + me pale, when my blood shall have taken the heat of thine." +</p> +<p> + Then during these struggles their eyes, already ardent, flamed still + more brightly, and the good knight was a little the accomplice of the + pleasure which Marie d'Annebaut took in feeling his hand upon her + heart. Now, as in this light embrace all their strength was put forth, + all their desires strained, all their ideas of the thing concentrated, + it happened that the knight's transport reached a climax. Their eyes + wept warm tears, they seized each other hard and fast as fire seizes + houses; but that was all. Lavalliere had promised to return safe and + sound to his friend the body only, not the heart. +</p> +<p> + When Maille announced his return, it was quite time, since no virtue + could avoid melting upon this gridiron; and the less licence the + lovers had, the more pleasure they had in their fantasies. +</p> +<p> + Leaving Marie d'Annebaut, the good companion in arms went as far as + Bondy to meet his friend, to help him to pass through the forest + without accident, and the two brothers slept together, according to + the ancient custom, in the village of Bondy. +</p> +<p> + There, in their bed, they recounted to each other, one of the + adventures of his journey, the other the gossip of the camp, stories + of gallantry, and the rest. But Maille's first question was touching + Marie d'Annebaut, whom Lavalliere swore to be intact in that precious + place where the honour of husbands is lodged; at which the amorous + Maille was highly delighted. +</p> +<p> + On the morrow, they were all three re-united, to the great disgust of + Marie, who, with the high jurisprudence of women, made a great fuss + with her good husband, but with her finger she indicated her heart in + an artless manner to Lavalliere, as one who said, "This is thine!" +</p> +<p> + At supper Lavalliere announced his departure for the wars. Maille was + much grieved at this resolution, and wished to accompany his brother; + that Lavalliere refused him point blank. +</p> +<p> + "Madame," said he to Marie d'Annebaut, "I love you more than life, but + not more than honour." +</p> +<p> + He turned pale saying this, and Madame de Maille blanched hearing him, + because never in their amorous dalliance had there been so much true + love as in this speech. Maille insisted on keeping his friend company + as far as Meaux. When he came back he was talking over with his wife + the unknown reasons and secret causes of this departure, when Marie, + who suspected the grief of poor Lavalliere said, "I know: he is + ashamed to stop here because he has the Neapolitan sickness." +</p> +<p> + "He!" said Maille, quite astonished. "I saw him when we were in bed + together at Bondy the other evening, and yesterday at Meaux. There's + nothing the matter with him; he is as sound as a bell." +</p> +<p> + The lady burst into tears, admiring this great loyalty, the sublime + resignation to his oath, and the extreme sufferings of this internal + passion. But as she still kept her love in the recesses of her heart, + she died when Lavalliere fell before Metz, as has been elsewhere + related by Messire Bourdeilles de Brantome in his tittle-tattle. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0014"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU +</h2> +<p> + In those days the priests no longer took any woman in legitimate + marriage, but kept good mistresses as pretty as they could get; which + custom has since been interdicted by the council, as everyone knows, + because, indeed, it was not pleasant that the private confessions of + people should be retold to a wench who would laugh at them, besides + the other secret doctrines, ecclesiastical arrangements, and + speculations which are part and parcel of the politics of the Church + of Rome. The last priest in our country who theologically kept a woman + in his parsonage, regaling her with his scholastic love, was a certain + vicar of Azay-le-Ridel, a place later on most aptly named as + Azay-le-Brule, and now Azay-le-Rideau, whose castle is one of the + marvels of Touraine. Now this said period, when the women were not + averse to the odour of the priesthood, is not so far distant as some + may think, Monsieur D'Orgemont, son of the preceding bishop, still + held the see of Paris, and the great quarrels of the Armagnacs had not + finished. To tell the truth, this vicar did well to have his vicarage + in that age, since he was well shapen, of a high colour, stout, big, + strong, eating and drinking like a convalescent, and indeed, was + always rising from a little malady that attacked him at certain times; + and, later on, he would have been his own executioner, had he + determined to observe his canonical continence. Add to this that he + was a Tourainian, id est, dark, and had in his eyes flame to light, + and water to quench all the domestic furnaces that required lighting + or quenching; and never since at Azay has been such vicar seen! A + handsome vicar was he, square-shouldered, fresh coloured, always + blessing and chuckling, preferred weddings and christenings to + funerals, a good joker, pious in Church, and a man in everything. + There have been many vicars who have drunk well and eaten well; others + who have blessed abundantly and chuckled consumedly; but all of them + together would hardly make up the sterling worth of this aforesaid + vicar; and he alone has worthily filled his post with benedictions, + has held it with joy, and in it has consoled the afflicted, all so + well, that no one saw him come out of his house without wishing to be + in his heart, so much was he beloved. It was he who first said in a + sermon that the devil was not so black as he was painted, and who for + Madame de Cande transformed partridges into fish saying that the perch + of the Indre were partridges of the river, and, on the other hand, + partridges perch in the air. He never played artful tricks under the + cloak of morality, and often said, jokingly, he would rather be in a + good bed then in anybody's will, that he had plenty of everything, and + wanted nothing. As for the poor and suffering, never did those who + came to ask for wool at the vicarage go away shorn, for his hand was + always in his pocket, and he melted (he who in all else was so firm) + at the sight of all this misery and infirmity, and he endeavoured to + heal all their wounds. There have been many good stories told + concerning this king of vicars. It was he who caused such hearty + laughter at the wedding of the lord of Valennes, near Sacche. The + mother of the said lord had a good deal to do with the victuals, roast + meats and other delicacies, of which there was sufficient quantity to + feed a small town at least, and it is true, at the same time, that + people came to the wedding from Montbazon, from Tours, from Chinon, + from Langeais, and from everywhere, and stopped eight days. +</p> +<p> + Now the good vicar, as he was going into the room where the company + were enjoying themselves, met the little kitchen boy, who wished to + inform Madame that all the elementary substances and fat rudiments, + syrups, and sauces, were in readiness for a pudding of great delicacy, + the secret compilation, mixing, and manipulation of which she wished + herself to superintend, intending it as a special treat for her + daughter-in-law's relations. Our vicar gave the boy a tap on the + cheek, telling him that he was too greasy and dirty to show himself to + people of high rank, and that he himself would deliver the said + message. The merry fellow pushes open the door, shapes the fingers of + his left hand into the form of a sheath, and moves gently therein the + middle finger of his right, at the same time looking at the lady of + Valennes, and saying to her, "Come, all is ready." Those who did not + understand the affair burst out laughing to see Madame get up and go + to the vicar, because she knew he referred to the pudding, and not to + that which the others imagined. +</p> +<p> + But a true story is that concerning the manner in which this worthy + pastor lost his mistress, to whom the ecclesiastical authorities + allowed no successor; but, as for that, the vicar did not want for + domestic utensils. In the parish everyone thought it an honour to lend + him theirs, the more readily because he was not the man to spoil + anything, and was careful to clean them out thoroughly, the dear man. + But here are the facts. One evening the good man came home to supper + with a melancholy face, because he had just put into the ground a good + farmer, whose death came about in a strange manner, and is still + frequently talked about in Azay. Seeing that he only ate with the end + of his teeth, and turned up his nose at a dish of tripe, which had + been cooked in his own special manner, his good woman said to him— +</p> +<p> + "Have you passed before the Lombard (see <i>Master Cornelius, passim</i>), met + two black crows, or seen the dead man turn in his grave, that you are + so upset?" +</p> +<p> + "Oh! Oh!" +</p> +<p> + "Has anyone deceived you?" +</p> +<p> + "Ha! Ha!" +</p> +<p> + "Come, tell me!" +</p> +<p> + "My dear, I am still quite overcome at the death of poor Cochegrue, + and there is not at the present moment a good housewife's tongue or a + virtuous cuckold's lips that are not talking about it." +</p> +<p> + "And what was it?" +</p> +<p> + "Listen! This poor Cochegrue was returning from market, having sold + his corn and two fat pigs. He was riding his pretty mare, who, near + Azay, commenced to caper about without the slightest cause, and poor + Cochegrue trotted and ambled along counting his profits. At the corner + of the old road of the Landes de Charlemagne, they came upon a + stallion kept by the Sieur de la Carte, in a field, in order to have a + good breed of horses, because the said animal was fleet of foot, as + handsome as an abbot, and so high and mighty that the admiral who came + to see it, said it was a beast of the first quality. This cursed horse + scented the pretty mare; like a cunning beast, neither neighed nor + gave vent to any equine ejaculation, but when she was close to the + road, leaped over forty rows of vines and galloped after her, pawing + the ground with his iron shoes, discharging the artillery of a lover + who longs for an embrace, giving forth sounds to set the strongest + teeth on edge, and so loudly, that the people of Champy heard it and + were much terrified thereat. +</p> +<p> + "Cochegrue, suspecting the affair, makes for the moors, spurs his + amorous mare, relying upon her rapid pace, and indeed, the good mare + understands, obeys, and flies—flies like a bird, but a bowshot off + follows the blessed horse, thundering along the road like a blacksmith + beating iron, and at full speed, his mane flying in the wind, replying + to the sound of the mare's swift gallop with his terrible pat-a-pan! + pat-a-pan! Then the good farmer, feeling death following him in the + love of the beast, spurs anew his mare, and harder still she gallops, + until at last, pale and half dead with fear, he reaches the outer yard + of his farmhouse, but finding the door of the stable shut he cries, + 'Help here! Wife!' Then he turned round on his mare, thinking to avoid + the cursed beast whose love was burning, who was wild with passion, + and growing more amorous every moment, to the great danger of the + mare. His family, horrified at the danger, did not go to open the + stable door, fearing the strange embrace and the kicks of the + iron-shod lover. At last, Cochegrue's wife went, but just as the good + mare was half way through the door, the cursed stallion seized her, + squeezed her, gave her a wild greeting, with his two legs gripped her, + pinched her and held her tight, and at the same time so kneaded and + knocked about Cochegrue that there was only found of him a shapeless + mass, crushed like a nut after the oil has been distilled from it. It + was shocking to see him squashed alive and mingling his cries with the + loud love-sighs of the horse." +</p> +<p> + "Oh! the mare!" exclaimed the vicar's good wench. +</p> +<p> + "What!" said the priest astonished. +</p> +<p> + "Certainly. You men wouldn't have cracked a plumstone for us." +</p> +<p> + "There," answered the vicar, "you wrong me." The good man threw her so + angrily upon the bed, attacked and treated her so violently that she + split into pieces, and died immediately without either surgeons or + physicians being able to determine the manner in which the solution of + continuity was arrived at, so violently disjointed were the hinges and + mesial partitions. You can imagine that he was a proud man, and a + splendid vicar as has been previously stated. +</p> +<p> + The good people of the country, even the women, agreed that he was not + to blame, but that his conduct was warranted by the circumstances. +</p> +<p> + From this, perhaps, came the proverb so much in use at that time, Que + l'aze le saille! The which proverb is really so much coarser in its + actual wording, that out of respect for the ladies I will not mention + it. But this was not the only clever thing that this great and noble + vicar achieved, for before this misfortune he did such a stroke of + business that no robbers dare ask him how many angels he had in his + pocket, even had they been twenty strong and over to attack him. One + evening when his good woman was still with him, after supper, during + which he had enjoyed his goose, his wench, his wine, and everything, + and was reclining in his chair thinking where he could build a new + barn for the tithes, a message came for him from the lord of Sacche, + who was giving up the ghost and wished to reconcile himself with God, + receive the sacrament, and go through the usual ceremonies. "He is a + good man and loyal lord. I will go." said he. Thereupon he passed into + the church, took the silver box where the blessed bread is, rang the + little bell himself in order not to wake the clerk, and went lightly + and willingly along the roads. Near the Gue-droit, which is a valley + leading to the Indre across the moors, our good vicar perceived a high + toby. And what is a high toby? It is a clerk of St. Nicholas. Well, + what is that? That means a person who sees clearly on a dark night, + instructs himself by examining and turning over purses, and takes his + degrees on the high road. Do you understand now? Well then, the high + toby waited for the silver box, which he knew to be of great value. +</p> +<p> + "Oh! oh!" said the priest, putting down the sacred vase on a stone at + the corner of the bridge, "stop thou there without moving." +</p> +<p> + Then he walked up to the robber, tipped him up, seized his loaded + stick, and when the rascal got up to struggle with him, he gutted him + with a blow well planted in the middle of his stomach. Then he picked + up the viaticum again, saying bravely to it: "Ah! If I had relied upon + thy providence, we should have been lost." Now to utter these impious + words on the road to Sacche was mere waste of breath, seeing that he + addressed them not to God, but to the Archbishop of Tours, who have + once severely rebuked him, threatened him with suspension, and + admonished him before the Chapter for having publicly told certain + lazy people that a good harvest was not due to the grace of God, but + to skilled labour and hard work—a doctrine which smelt of the fagot. + And indeed he was wrong, because the fruits of the earth have need + both of one and the other; but he died in this heresy, for he could + never understand how crops could come without digging, if God so + willed it—a doctrine that learned men have since proved to be true, + by showing that formerly wheat grew very well without the aid of man. + I cannot leave this splendid model of a pastor without giving here one + of the acts of his life, which proves with what fervour he imitated + the saints in the division of their goods and mantles, which they gave + formerly to the poor and the passers-by. One day, returning from + Tours, where he had been paying his respects to the official, mounted + on his mule, he was nearing Azay. On the way, just out side Ballan, he + met a pretty girl on foot, and was grieved to see a woman travelling + like a dog; the more so as she was visibly fatigued, and could + scarcely raise one foot before the other. He whistled to her softly, + and the pretty wench turned round and stopped. The good priest, who + was too good a sportsman to frighten the birds, especially the hooded + ones, begged her so gently to ride behind him on his mule, and in so + polite a fashion, that the lass got up; not without making those + little excuses and grimaces that they all make when one invites them + to eat, or to take what they like. The sheep paired off with the + shepherd, the mule jogged along after the fashion of mules, while the + girl slipped now this way now that, riding so uncomfortably that the + priest pointed out to her, after leaving Ballan, that she had better + hold on to him; and immediately my lady put her plump arms around the + waist of her cavalier, in a modest and timorous manner. +</p> +<p> + "There, you don't slip about now. Are you comfortable?" said the + vicar. +</p> +<p> + "Yes, I am comfortable. Are you?" +</p> +<p> + "I?" said the priest, "I am better than that." +</p> +<p> + And, in fact, he was quite at his ease, and was soon gently warmed in + the back by two projections which rubbed against it, and at last + seemed as though they wished to imprint themselves between his + shoulder blades, which would have been a pity, as that was not the + place for this white merchandise. By degrees the movement of mule + brought into conjunction the internal warmth of these two good riders, + and their blood coursed more quickly through their veins, seeing that + it felt the motion of the mule as well as their own; and thus the good + wench and the vicar finished by knowing each other's thoughts, but not + those of the mule. When they were both acclimatised, he with her and + she with him, they felt an internal disturbance which resolved itself + into secret desires. +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said the vicar, turning round to his companion, "here is a fine + cluster of trees which has grown very thick." +</p> +<p> + "It is too near the road," replied the girl. "Bad boys have cut the + branches, and the cows have eaten the young leaves." +</p> +<p> + "Are you not married?" asked the vicar, trotting his animal again. +</p> +<p> + "No," said she. +</p> +<p> + "Not at all?" +</p> +<p> + "I'faith! No!" +</p> +<p> + "What a shame, at your age!" +</p> +<p> + "You are right, sir; but you see, a poor girl who has had a child is a + bad bargain." +</p> +<p> + Then the good vicar taking pity on such ignorance, and knowing that + the canons say among other things that pastors should indoctrinate + their flock and show them the duties and responsibilities of this + life, he thought he would only be discharging the functions of his + office by showing her the burden she would have one day to bear. Then + he begged her gently not be afraid, for if she would have faith in his + loyalty no one should ever know of the marital experiment which he + proposed then and there to perform with her; and as, since passing + Ballan the girl had thought of nothing else; as her desire had been + carefully sustained, and augmented by the warm movements of the + animal, she replied harshly to the vicar, "if you talk thus I will get + down." Then the good vicar continued his gentle requests so well that + on reaching the wood of Azay the girl wished to get down, and the + priest got down there too, for it was not across a horse that this + discussion could be finished. Then the virtuous maiden ran into the + thickest part of the wood to get away from the vicar, calling out, + "Oh, you wicked man, you shan't know where I am." +</p> +<p> + The mule arrived in a glade where the grass was good, the girl tumbled + down over a root and blushed. The good vicar came to her, and there as + he had rung the bell for mass he went through the service for her, and + both freely discounted the joys of paradise. The good priest had it in + his heart to thoroughly instruct her, and found his pupil very docile, + as gentle in mind as soft in the flesh, a perfect jewel. Therefore was + he much aggrieved at having so much abridged the lessons by giving it + at Azay, seeing that he would have been quite willing to recommence + it, like all of precentors who say the same thing over and over again + to their pupils. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! little one," cried the good man, "why did you make so much fuss + that we only came to an understanding close to Azay?" +</p> +<p> + "Ah!" said she, "I belong to Bellan." +</p> +<p> + To be brief, I must tell you that when this good man died in his + vicarage there was a great number of people, children and others, who + came, sorrowful, afflicted, weeping, and grieved, and all exclaimed, + "Ah! we have lost our father." And the girls, the widows, the wives + and little girls looked at each other, regretting him more than a + friend, and said, "He was more than a priest, he was a man!" Of these + vicars the seed is cast to the winds, and they will never be + reproduced in spite of the seminaries. +</p> +<p> + Why, even the poor, to whom his savings were left, found themselves + still the losers, and an old cripple whom he had succoured hobbled + into the churchyard, crying "I don't die! I don't!" meaning to say, + "Why did not death take me in his place?" This made some of the people + laugh, at which the shade of the good vicar would certainly not have + been displeased. +</p> +<a name="2H_4_0015"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + THE REPROACH +</h2> +<p> + The fair laundress of Portillon-les-Tours, of whom a droll saying has + already been given in this book, was a girl blessed with as much + cunning as if she had stolen that of six priests and three women at + least. She did not want for sweethearts, and had so many that one + would have compared them, seeing them around her, to bees swarming of + an evening towards their hive. An old silk dyer, who lived in the Rue + St. Montfumier, and there possessed a house of scandalous + magnificence, coming from his place at La Grenadiere, situated on the + fair borders of St. Cyr, passed on horseback through Portillon in + order to gain the Bridge of Tours. By reason of the warmth of the + evening, he was seized with a wild desire on seeing the pretty + washerwoman sitting upon her door-step. Now as for a very long time he + had dreamed of this pretty maid, his resolution was taken to make her + his wife, and in a short time she was transformed from a washerwoman + into a dyer's wife, a good townswoman, with laces, fine linen, and + furniture to spare, and was happy in spite of the dyer, seeing that + she knew very well how to manage him. The good dyer had for a crony a + silk machinery manufacturer who was small in stature, deformed for + life, and full of wickedness. So on the wedding-day he said to the + dyer, "You have done well to marry, my friend, we shall have a pretty + wife!"; and a thousand sly jokes, such as it is usual to address to a + bridegroom. +</p> +<p> + In fact, this hunchback courted the dyer's wife, who from her nature, + caring little for badly built people, laughed to scorn the request of + the mechanician, and joked him about the springs, engines, and spools + of which his shop was full. However, this great love of the hunchback + was rebuffed by nothing, and became so irksome to the dyer's wife that + she resolved to cure it by a thousand practical jokes. One evening, + after the sempiternal pursuit, she told her lover to come to the back + door and towards midnight she would open everything to him. Now note, + this was on a winter's night; the Rue St. Montfumier is close to the + Loire, and in this corner there continually blow in winter, winds + sharp as a hundred needle-points. The good hunchback, well muffled up + in his mantle, failed not to come, and trotted up and down to keep + himself warm while waiting for the appointed hour. Towards midnight he + was half frozen, as fidgety as thirty-two devils caught in a stole, + and was about to give up his happiness, when a feeble light passed by + the cracks of the window and came down towards the little door. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, it is she!" said he. +</p> +<p> + And this hope warned him once more. Then he got close to the door, and + heard a little voice— +</p> +<p> + "Are you there?" said the dyer's wife to him. +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Cough, that I may see." +</p> +<p> + The hunchback began to cough. +</p> +<p> + "It is not you." +</p> +<p> + Then the hunchback said aloud— +</p> +<p> + "How do you mean, it is not I? Do you not recognise my voice? Open the + door!" +</p> +<p> + "Who's there?" said the dyer, opening the window. +</p> +<p> + "There, you have awakened my husband, who returned from Amboise + unexpectedly this evening." +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the dyer, seeing by the light of the moon a man at the door, + threw a big pot of cold water over him, and cried out, "Thieves! + thieves!" in such a manner that the hunchback was forced to run away; + but in his fear he failed to clear the chain stretched across the + bottom of the road and fell into the common sewer, which the sheriff + had not then replaced by a sluice to discharge the mud into the Loire. + In this bath the mechanician expected every moment to breathe his + last, and cursed the fair Tascherette, for her husband's name being + Taschereau, she was so called by way of a little joke by the people of + Tours. +</p> +<p> + Carandas—for so was named the manufacturer of machines to weave, to + spin, to spool, and to wind the silk—was not sufficiently smitten to + believe in the innocence of the dyer's wife, and swore a devilish hate + against her. But some days afterwards, when he had recovered from his + wetting in the dyer's drain he came up to sup with his old comrade. + Then the dyer's wife reasoned with him so well, flavoured her words + with so much honey, and wheedled him with so many fair promises, that + he dismissed his suspicions. +</p> +<p> + He asked for a fresh assignation, and the fair Tascherette with the + face of a woman whose mind is dwelling on a subject, said to him, + "Come tomorrow evening; my husband will be staying some days at + Chinonceaux. The queen wishes to have some of her old dresses dyed and + would settle the colours with him. It will take some time." +</p> +<p> + Carandas put on his best clothes, failed not to keep the appointment, + appeared at the time fixed, and found a good supper prepared, + lampreys, wine of Vouvray, fine white napkins—for it was not + necessary to remonstrate with the dyer's wife on the colour of her + linen—and everything so well prepared that it was quite pleasant to + him to see the dishes of fresh eels, to smell the good odour of the + meats, and to admire a thousand little nameless things about the room, + and La Tascherette fresh and appetising as an apple on a hot day. Now, + the mechanician, excited to excess by these warm preparations, was on + the point of attacking the charms of the dyer's wife, when Master + Taschereau gave a loud knock at the street door. +</p> +<p> + "Ha!" said madame, "what has happened? Put yourself in the clothes + chest, for I have been much abused respecting you; and if my husband + finds you, he may undo you; he is so violent in his temper." +</p> +<p> + And immediately she thrust the hunchback into the chest, and went + quickly to her good husband, whom she knew well would be back from + Chinonceaux to supper. Then the dyer was kissed warmly on both his + eyes and on both his ears and he caught his good wife to him and + bestowed upon her two hearty smacks with his lips that sounded all + over the room. Then the pair sat down to supper, talked together and + finished by going to bed; and the mechanician heard all, though + obliged to remain crumpled up, and not to cough or to make a single + movement. He was in with the linen, crushed up as close as a sardine + in a box, and had about as much air as he would have had at the bottom + of a river; but he had, to divert him, the music of love, the sighs of + the dyer, and the little jokes of La Tascherette. At last, when he + fancied his old comrade was asleep, he made an attempt to get out of + the chest. +</p> +<p> + "Who is there?" said the dyer. +</p> +<p> + "What is the matter my little one?" said his wife, lifting her nose + above the counterpane. +</p> +<p> + "I heard a scratching," said the good man. +</p> +<p> + "We shall have rain to-morrow; it's the cat," replied his wife. +</p> +<p> + The good husband put his head back upon the pillow after having been + gently embraced by his spouse. "There, my dear, you are a light + sleeper. It's no good trying to make a proper husband of you. There, + be good. Oh! oh! my little papa, your nightcap is on one side. There, + put it on the other way, for you must look pretty even when you are + asleep. There! are you all right?" +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + "Are you sleep?" said she, giving him a kiss. +</p> +<p> + "Yes." +</p> +<p> + In the morning the dyer's wife came softly and let out the + mechanician, who was whiter than a ghost. +</p> +<p> + "Give me air, give me air!" said he. +</p> +<p> + And away he ran cured of his love, but with as much hate in his heart + as a pocket could hold of black wheat. The said hunchback left Tours + and went to live in the town of Bruges, where certain merchants had + sent for him to arrange the machinery for making hauberks. +</p> +<p> + During his long absence, Carandas, who had Moorish blood in his veins, + since he was descended from an ancient Saracen left half dead after + the great battle which took place between the Moors and the French in + the commune of Bellan (which is mentioned in the preceding tale), in + which place are the Landes of Charlemagne, where nothing grows because + of the cursed wretches and infidels there interred, and where the + grass disagrees even with the cows—this Carandas never rose up or lay + down in a foreign land without thinking of how he could give strength + to his desires of vengeance; and he was dreaming always of it, and + wishing nothing less than the death of the fair washerwoman of + Portillon and often would cry out "I will eat her flesh! I will cook + one of her breasts, and swallow it without sauce!" It was a tremendous + hate of good constitution—a cardinal hate—a hate of a wasp or an old + maid. It was all known hates moulded into one single hate, which + boiled itself, concocted itself, and resolved self into an elixir of + wicked and diabolical sentiments, warmed at the fire of the most + flaming furnaces of hell—it was, in fact, a master hate. +</p> +<p> + Now one fine day, the said Carandas came back into Touraine with much + wealth, that he brought from the country of Flanders, where he had + sold his mechanical secrets. He bought a splendid house in Rue St. + Montfumier, which is still to be seen, and is the astonishment of the + passers-by, because it has certain very queer round humps fashioned + upon the stones of the wall. Carandas, the hater, found many notable + changes at the house of his friend, the dyer, for the good man had two + sweet children, who, by a curious chance, presented no resemblance + either to the mother or to the father. But as it is necessary that + children bear a resemblance to someone, there are certain people who + look for the features of their ancestors, when they are + good-looking—the flatters. So it was found by the good husband that + his two boys were like one of his uncles, formerly a priest at Notre + Dame de l'Egrignolles, but according to certain jokers, these two + children were the living portraits of a good-looking shaven crown + officiating in the Church of Notre Dame la Riche, a celebrated parish + situated between Tours and Plessis. Now, believe one thing, and + inculcate it upon your minds, and when in this book you shall only + have gleaned, gathered, extracted, and learned this one principle of + truth, look upon yourself as a lucky man—namely, that a man can never + dispense with his nose, id est, that a man will always be snotty—that + is to say, he will remain a man, and thus will continue throughout all + future centuries to laugh and drink, to find himself in his shirt + without feeling either better or worse there, and will have the same + occupations. But these preparatory ideas are to better to fix in the + understanding that this two-footed soul will always accept as true + those things which flatter his passions, caress his hates, or serve + his amours: from this comes logic. So it was that, the first day the + above-mentioned Carandas saw his old comrade's children, saw the + handsome priest, saw the beautiful wife of the dyer, saw La + Taschereau, all seated at the table, and saw to his detriment the best + piece of lamprey given with a certain air by La Tascherette to her + friend the priest, the mechanician said to himself, "My old friend is + a cuckold, his wife intrigues with the little confessor, and the + children have been begotten with his holy water. I'll show them that + the hunchbacks have something more than other men." +</p> +<p> + And this was true—true as it is that Tours has always had its feet in + the Loire, like a pretty girl who bathes herself and plays with the + water, making a flick-flack, by beating the waves with her fair white + hands; for the town is more smiling, merry, loving, fresh, flowery, + and fragrant than all the other towns of the world, which are not + worthy to comb her locks or to buckle her waistband. And be sure if + you go there you will find, in the centre of it, a sweet place, in + which is a delicious street where everyone promenades, where there is + always a breeze, shade, sun, rain, and love. Ha! ha! laugh away, but + go there. It is a street always new, always royal, always imperial—a + patriotic street, a street with two paths, a street open at both ends, + a wide street, a street so large that no one has ever cried, "Out of + the way!" there. A street which does not wear out, a street which + leads to the abbey of Grand-mont, and to a trench, which works very + well with the bridge, and at the end of which is a finer fair ground. + A street well paved, well built, well washed, as clean as a glass, + populous, silent at certain times, a coquette with a sweet nightcap on + its pretty blue tiles—to be short, it is the street where I was born; + it is the queen of streets, always between the earth and sky; a street + with a fountain; a street which lacks nothing to be celebrated among + streets; and, in fact, it is the real street, the only street of + Tours. If there are others, they are dark, muddy, narrow, and damp, + and all come respectfully to salute this noble street, which commands + them. Where am I? For once in this street no one cares to come out of + it, so pleasant it is. But I owed this filial homage, this descriptive + hymn sung from the heart to my natal street, at the corners of which + there are wanting only the brave figures of my good master Rabelais, + and of Monsieur Descartes, both unknown to the people of the country. + To resume: the said Carandas was, on his return from Flanders, + entertained by his comrade, and by all those by whom he was liked for + his jokes, his drollery, and quaint remarks. The good hunchback + appeared cured of his old love, embraced the children, and when he was + alone with the dyer's wife, recalled the night in the clothes-chest, + and the night in the sewer, to her memory, saying to her, "Ha, ha! + what games you used to have with me." +</p> +<p> + "It was your own fault," said she, laughing. "If you had allowed + yourself by reason of your great love to be ridiculed, made a fool of, + and bantered a few more times, you might have made an impression on + me, like the others." Thereupon Carandas commenced to laugh, though + inwardly raging all the time. Seeing the chest where he had nearly + been suffocated, his anger increased the more violently because the + sweet creature had become still more beautiful, like all those who are + permanently youthful from bathing in the water of youth, which waters + are naught less than the sources of love. The mechanician studied the + proceedings in the way of cuckoldom at his neighbour's house, in order + to revenge himself, for as many houses as there are so many varieties + of manner are there in this business; and although all amours resemble + each other in the same manner that all men resemble each other, it is + proved to the abstractors of true things, that for the happiness of + women, each love has its especial physiognomy, and if there is nothing + that resembles a man so much as a man, there is also nothing differs + from a man so much as a man. That it is, which confuses all things, or + explains the thousand fancies of women, who seek the best men with a + thousand pains and a thousand pleasures, perhaps more the one than the + other. But how can I blame them for their essays, changes, and + contradictory aims? Why, Nature frisks and wriggles, twists and turns + about, and you expect a woman to remain still! Do you know if ice is + really cold? No. Well then, neither do you know that cuckoldom is not + a lucky chance, the produce of brains well furnished and better made + than all the others. Seek something better than ventosity beneath the + sky. This will help to spread the philosophic reputation of this + eccentric book. Oh yes; go on. He who cries "vermin powder," is more + advanced than those who occupy themselves with Nature, seeing that she + is a proud jade and a capricious one, and only allows herself to be + seen at certain times. Do you understand? So in all languages does she + belong to the feminine gender, being a thing essentially changeable + and fruitful and fertile in tricks. +</p> +<p> + Now Carandas soon recognised the fact that among cuckoldoms the best + understood and the most discreet is ecclesiastical cuckoldom. This is + how the good dyer's wife had laid her plans. She went always towards + her cottage at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr on the eve of the Sabbath, + leaving her good husband to finish his work, to count up and check his + books, and to pay his workmen; then Taschereau would join her there on + the morrow, and always found a good breakfast ready and his good wife + gay, and always brought the priest with him. The fact is, this + damnable priest crossed the Loire the night before in a small boat, in + order to keep the dyer's wife warm, and to calm her fancies, in order + that she might sleep well during the night, a duty which young men + understand very well. Then this fine curber of phantasies got back to + his house in the morning by the time Taschereau came to invite him to + spend the day at La Grenadiere, and the cuckold always found the + priest asleep in his bed. The boatman being well paid, no one knew + anything of these goings on, for the lover journeyed the night before + after night fall, and on the Sunday in the early morning. As soon as + Carandas had verified the arrangement and constant practice of these + gallant diversions, he determined to wait for a day when the lovers + would meet, hungry one for the other, after some accidental + abstinence. This meeting took place very soon, and the curious + hunchback saw the boatman waiting below the square, at the Canal St. + Antoine, for the young priest, who was handsome, blonde, slender, and + well-shaped, like the gallant and cowardly hero of love, so celebrated + by Monsieur Ariosto. Then the mechanician went to find the old dyer, + who always loved his wife and always believed himself the only man who + had a finger in her pie. +</p> +<p> + "Ah! good evening, old friend," said Carandas to Taschereau; and + Taschereau made him a bow. +</p> +<p> + Then the mechanician relates to him all the secret festivals of love, + vomits words of peculiar import, and pricks the dyer on all sides. +</p> +<p> + At length, seeing he was ready to kill both his wife and the priest, + Carandas said to him, "My good neighbour, I had brought back from + Flanders a poisoned sword, which will instantly kill anyone, if it + only make a scratch upon him. Now, directly you shall have merely + touched your wench and her paramour, they will die." +</p> +<p> + "Let us go and fetch it," said the dyer. +</p> +<p> + Then the two merchants went in great haste to the house of the + hunchback, to get the sword and rush off to the country. +</p> +<p> + "But shall we find them in flagrante delicto?" asked Taschereau. +</p> +<p> + "You will see," said the hunchback, jeering his friend. In fact, the + cuckold had not long to wait to behold the joy of the two lovers. +</p> +<p> + The sweet wench and her well-beloved were busy trying to catch, in a + certain lake that you probably know, that little bird that sometimes + makes his nest there, and they were laughing and trying, and still + laughing. +</p> +<p> + "Ah, my darling!" said she, clasping him, as though she wished to make + an outline of him on her chest, "I love thee so much I should like to + eat thee! Nay, more than that, to have you in my skin, so that you + might never quit me." +</p> +<p> + "I should like it too," replied the priest, "but as you can't have me + altogether, you must try a little bit at a time." +</p> +<p> + It was at this moment that the husband entered, he sword unsheathed + and flourished above him. The beautiful Tascherette, who knew her + lord's face well, saw what would be the fate of her well-beloved the + priest. But suddenly she sprang towards the good man, half naked, her + hair streaming over her, beautiful with shame, but more beautiful with + love, and cried to him, "Stay, unhappy man! Wouldst thou kill the + father of thy children?" +</p> +<p> + Thereupon the good dyer staggered by the paternal majesty of + cuckoldom, and perhaps also by the fire of his wife's eyes, let the + sword fall upon the foot of the hunchback, who had followed him, and + thus killed him. +</p> +<p> + This teaches us not to be spiteful. +</p> +<a name="2H_EPIL"><!-- H2 anchor --></a> + +<div style="height: 4em;"><br><br><br><br></div> + +<h2> + EPILOGUE +</h2> +<p> + Here endeth the first series of these Tales, a roguish sample of the + works of that merry Muse, born ages ago, in our fair land of Touraine, + the which Muse is a good wench, and knows by heart that fine saying of + her friend Verville, written in <i>Le Moyen de Parvenir</i>: It is only + necessary to be bold to obtain favours. Alas! mad little one, get thee + to bed again, sleep; thou art panting from thy journey; perhaps thou + hast been further than the present time. Now dry thy fair naked feet, + stop thine ears, and return to love. If thou dreamest other poesy + interwoven with laughter to conclude these merry inventions, heed not + the foolish clamour and insults of those who, hearing the carol of a + joyous lark of other days, exclaim: Ah, the horrid bird! +</p> + + +<div style="height: 6em;"><br><br><br><br><br><br></div> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Droll Stories, Volume 1, by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 1 *** + +***** This file should be named 1925-h.htm or 1925-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/1925/ + +Produced by Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Droll Stories, Volume 1 + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: August 23, 2004 [EBook #1925] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 1 *** + + + + +Produced by Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + + + + + DROLL STORIES + + COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE + + VOLUME I + THE FIRST TEN TALES + + BY + + HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + + CONTENTS + +TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE + +THE FIRST TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +THE FAIR IMPERIA +THE VENIAL SIN + HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE + HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY + THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN + HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED + HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING +THE KING'S SWEETHEART +THE DEVIL'S HEIR +THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH +THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE +THE MAID OF THILOUSE +THE BROTHER-IN-ARMS +THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU +THE REPROACH +EPILOGUE + + + + TRANSLATORS PREFACE + +When, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now famous _Contes +Drolatiques_ was published by Gosselin of Paris, Balzac, in a short +preface, written in the publisher's name, replied to those attacks +which he anticipated certain critics would make upon his hardy +experiment. He claimed for his book the protection of all those to +whom literature was dear, because it was a work of art--and a work of +art, in the highest sense of the word, it undoubtedly is. Like +Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, Ariosto, and Verville, the +great author of _The Human Comedy_ has painted an epoch. In the fresh +and wonderful language of the Merry Vicar Of Meudon, he has given us a +marvellous picture of French life and manners in the sixteenth +century. The gallant knights and merry dames of that eventful period +of French history stand out in bold relief upon his canvas. The +background in these life-like figures is, as it were, "sketched upon +the spot." After reading the _Contes Drolatiques_, one could almost find +one's way about the towns and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map +or guide. Not only is this book a work of art from its historical +information and topographical accuracy; its claims to that distinction +rest upon a broader foundation. Written in the nineteenth century in +imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it is a triumph of literary +archaeology. It is a model of that which it professes to imitate; the +production of a writer who, to accomplish it, must have been at once +historian, linguist, philosopher, archaeologist, and anatomist, and +each in no ordinary degree. In France, his work has long been regarded +as a classic--as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, +when kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies laughed +openly at stories and jokes which are considered disgraceful by their +more fastidious descendants. In England the difficulties of the +language employed, and the quaintness and peculiarity of its style, +have placed it beyond the reach of all but those thoroughly acquainted +with the French of the sixteenth century. Taking into consideration +the vast amount of historical information enshrined in its pages, the +archaeological value which it must always possess for the student, and +the dramatic interest of its stories, the translator has thought that +an English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre would be acceptable to +many. It has, of course, been impossible to reproduce in all its +vigour and freshness the language of the original. Many of the quips +and cranks and puns have been lost in the process of Anglicising. +These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer ventures to hope that he +has treated this great masterpiece in a reverent spirit, touched it +with no sacrilegious hand, but, on the contrary, given as close a +translation as the dissimilarities of the two languages permit. With +this idea, no attempt had been made to polish or round many of the +awkwardly constructed sentences which are characteristic of this +volume. Rough, and occasionally obscure, they are far more in keeping +with the spirit of the original than the polished periods of modern +romance. Taking into consideration the many difficulties which he has +had to overcome, and which those best acquainted with the French +edition will best appreciate, the translator claims the indulgence of +the critical reader for any shortcomings he may discover. The best +plea that can be offered for such indulgence is the fact that, +although _Les Contes Drolatiques_ was completed and published in 1837, +the present is the first English version ever brought before the +public. + +London, January, 1874 + + + + + FIRST TEN TALES + + + + PROLOGUE + +This is a book of the highest flavour, full of right hearty merriment, +spiced to the palate of the illustrious and very precious tosspots and +drinkers, to whom our worthy compatriot, Francois Rabelais, the +eternal honour of Touraine, addressed himself. Be it nevertheless +understood, the author has no other desire than to be a good +Touranian, and joyfully to chronicle the merry doings of the famous +people of this sweet and productive land, more fertile in cuckolds, +dandies and witty wags than any other, and which has furnished a good +share of men of renown in France, as witness the departed Courier of +piquant memory; Verville, author of _Moyen de Parvenir_, and others +equally well known, among whom we will specially mention the Sieur +Descartes, because he was a melancholy genius, and devoted himself +more to brown studies than to drinks and dainties, a man of whom all +the cooks and confectioners of Tours have a wise horror, whom they +despise, and will not hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he live?" +if his name is mentioned. Now this work is the production of the +joyous leisure of good old monks, of whom there are many vestiges +scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr, in the village +of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at Marmoustiers, Veretz, Roche-Cobon, +and the certain storehouses of good stories, which storehouses are the +upper stories of old canons and wise dames, who remember the good old +days when they could enjoy a hearty laugh without looking to see if +their hilarity disturbed the sit of your ruffle, as do the young women +of the present day, who wish to take their pleasure gravely--a custom +which suits our Gay France as much as a water jug would the head of a +queen. Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and he has +sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without adding to them +by books, I have considered it a thing most patriotic to publish a +drachm of merriment for these times, when weariness falls like a fine +rain, wetting us, soaking into us, and dissolving those ancient +customs which make the people to reap public amusement from the +Republic. But of those old pantagruelists who allowed God and the king +to conduct their own affairs without putting of their finger in the +pie oftener than they could help, being content to look on and laugh, +there are very few left. They are dying out day by day in such manner +that I fear greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient +breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonoured, and +blamed, the which I should be loath to see, since I have and bear +great respect for the refuse of our Gallic antiquities. + +Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, you scrapers-up of words, harpies +who mangle the intentions and inventions of everyone, that as children +only do we laugh, and as we travel onward laughter sinks down and dies +out, like the light of the oil-lit lamp. This signifies, that to laugh +you must be innocent, and pure of a heart, lacking which qualities you +purse your lips, drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after the manner +of men hiding vices and impurities. Take, then, this work as you would +take a group of statue, certain features of which an artist could +omit, and he would be the biggest of all big fools if he puts leaves +upon them, seeing that these said works are not, any more than is this +book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have taken care, much to +my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts the old words, which, in +spite of their age, were still strong, and which would have shocked +the ears, astonished the eyes, reddened the cheeks and sullied the +lips of trousered maidens, and Madame Virtue with three lovers; for +certain things must be done to suit the vices of the age, and a +periphrase is much more agreeable than the word. Indeed, we are old, +and find long trifles, better than the short follies of our youth, +because at that time our taste was better. Then spare me your +slanders, and read this rather at night than in the daytime and give +it not to young maidens, if there be any, because this book is +inflammable. I will now rid you of myself. But I fear nothing from +this book, since it is extracted from a high and splendid source, from +which all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply proved +by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the Holy Ghost, of the +Garter, of the Bath, and by many notable things which have been taken +therefrom, under shelter of which I place myself. + +_Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gayly read with ease of body and +rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you if you disown me after +having read me._ + +These words are those of our good Master Rabelais, before whom we must +also stand, hat in hand, in token of reverence and honour to him, +prince of all wisdom, and king of Comedy. + + + + THE FAIR IMPERIA + +The Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite when going to the +Council at Constance quite a good-looking little priest of Touraine +whose ways and manner of speech was so charming that he passed for a +son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of Tours had +willingly given him to his confrere for his journey to that town, +because it was usual for archbishops to make each other presents, they +well knowing how sharp are the itchings of theological palms. Thus +this young priest came to the Council and was lodged in the +establishment of his prelate, a man of good morals and great science. + +Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave well and +worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this mysterious Council +many men leading a dissolute life and yet not making less, nay +--gaining more indulgences, gold crowns and benefices than all the +other virtuous and well-behaved ones. Now during one night--dangerous +to his virtue--the devil whispered into his ear that he should live +more luxuriously, since every one sucked the breasts of our Holy Mother +Church and yet they were not drained, a miracle which proved beyond +doubt the existence of God. And the priest of Touraine did not +disappoint the devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his +bellyful of roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do +so without paying for them as he was poor. As he remained quite +continent (in which he followed the example of the poor old archbishop +who sinned no longer because he was unable to, and passed for a +saint,) he had to suffer from intolerable desires followed by fits of +melancholy, since there were so many sweet courtesans, well developed, +but cold to the poor people, who inhabited Constance, to enlighten the +understanding of the Fathers of the Council. He was savage that he did +not know how to make up to these gallant sirens, who snubbed +cardinals, abbots, councillors, legates, bishops, princes and +margraves just as if they have been penniless clerks. And in the +evening, after prayers, he would practice speaking to them, teaching +himself the breviary of love. He taught himself to answer all possible +questions, but on the morrow if by chance he met one of the aforesaid +princesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted by her proud +and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed, like a dog in the act +of catching flies, at the sight of sweet countenance that so much +inflamed him. The secretary of a Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, +having clearly explained to him that the Fathers, procureurs, and +auditors of the Rota bought by certain presents, not relics or +indulgences, but jewels and gold, the favour of being familiar with +the best of these pampered cats who lived under the protection of the +lords of the Council; the poor Touranian, all simpleton and innocent +as he was, treasured up under his mattress the money given him by the +good archbishop for writings and copying--hoping one day to have +enough just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting to God for the +rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a man about as +much as a goat with a night-dress on resembles a young lady, but +prompted by his desires he wandered in the evenings through the +streets of Constance, careless of his life, and, at the risk of having +his body halberded by the soldiers, he peeped at the cardinals +entering the houses of their sweethearts. Then he saw the wax-candles +lighted in the houses and suddenly the doors and the windows closed. +Then he heard the blessed abbots or others jumping about, drinking, +enjoying themselves, love-making, singing _Alleluia_ and applauding the +music with which they were being regaled. The kitchen performed +miracles, the Offices said were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet +little hams, the Vespers luscious mouthful, and the Lauhes delicate +sweetmeats, and after their little carouses, these brave priests were +silent, their pages diced upon the stairs, their mules stamped +restively in the streets; everything went well--but faith and religion +was there. That is how it came to pass the good man Huss was burned. +And the reason? He put his finger in the pie without being asked. Then +why was he a Huguenot before the others? + +To return, however to our sweet little Philippe, not unfrequently did +he receive many a thump and hard blow, but the devil sustained him, +inciting him to believe that sooner or later it would come to his turn +to play the cardinal to some lovely dame. This ardent desire gave him +the boldness of a stag in autumn, so much so that one evening he +quietly tripped up the steps and into one of the first houses in +Constance where often he had seen officers, seneschals, valets, and +pages waiting with torches for their masters, dukes, kings, cardinals +and archbishops. + +"Ah!" said he, "she must be very beautiful and amiable, this one." + +A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him to belong to +the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had just left, and that he +was going to deliver a message on behalf of the above-mentioned +nobleman. Philippe de Mala mounted the stairs as lightly as a +greyhound in love, and was guided by delectable odour of perfume to +certain chamber where, surrounded by her handmaidens, the lady of the +house was divesting herself of her attire. He stood quite dumbfounded +like a thief surprised by sergeants. The lady was without petticoat or +head-dress. The chambermaid and the servants, busy taking off her +stockings and undressing her, so quickly and dextrously had her +stripped, that the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long Ah! which had +the flavour of love about it. + +"What want _you_, little one?" said the lady to him. + +"To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes upon her. + +"You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to be rid of him. + +To which Philippe replied, blushing, "I will not fail." + +Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motionless, stood quite +at his ease, letting wander over her his eyes that glowed and sparkled +with the flame of love. What lovely thick hair hung upon her ivory +white back, showing sweet white places, fair and shining between the +many tresses! She had upon her snow-white brow a ruby circlet, less +fertile in rays of fire than her black eyes, still moist with tears +from her hearty laugh. She even threw her slipper at a statue gilded +like a shrine, twisting herself about from very ribaldry and allowed +her bare foot, smaller than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening +she was in a good humour, otherwise she would have had the little +shaven-crop put out by the window without more ado than her first +bishop. + +"He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of her handmaids. + +"Where does he comes from?" asked another. + +"Poor child!" cried Madame, "his mother must be looking for him. Show +him his way home." + +The Touranian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight at the sight +of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was about to repose. This +glance, full of amorous intelligence, awoke the lady's fantasy, who, +half laughing and half smitten, repeated "To-morrow," and dismissed +him with a gesture which the Pope Jehan himself would have obeyed, +especially as he was like a snail without a shell, since the Council +had just deprived him of the holy keys. + +"Ah! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed into an amorous +desire," said one of her women; and the chuckles commenced again thick +as hail. + +Philippe went his way, bumping his head against a wall like a hooded +rook as he was. So giddy had he become at the sight of this creature, +even more enticing than a siren rising from the water. He noticed the +animals carved over the door and returned to the house of the +archbishop with his head full of diabolical longings and his entrails +sophisticated. + +Once in his little room he counted his coins all night long, but could +make no more than four of them; and as that was all his treasure, he +counted upon satisfying the fair one by giving her all he had in the +world. + +"What is it ails you?" said the good archbishop, uneasy at the groans +and "oh! ohs!" of his clerk. + +"Ah! my Lord," answered the poor priest, "I am wondering how it is +that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so heavily upon my heart." + +"Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his breviary which he +was reading for others--the good man. + +"Oh! Mother of God! You will scold me, I know, my good master, my +protector, because I have seen the lady of a cardinal at the least, +and I am weeping because I lack more than one crown to enable me to +convert her." + +The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he had above his +nose, said not a word. Then the very humble priest trembled in his +skin to have confessed so much to his superior. But the holy man +directly said to him, "She must be very dear then--" + +"Ah!" said he, "she has swallowed many a mitre and stolen many a +cross." + +"Well, Philippe, if thou will renounce her, I will present thee with +thirty angels from the poor-box." + +"Ah! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the lad, +emboldened by the treat he promised himself. + +"Ah! Philippe," said the good prelate, "thou wilt then go to the devil +and displease God, like all our cardinals," and the master, with +sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the patron saint of Innocents, to +save his servant. He made him kneel down beside him, telling him to +recommend himself also to St. Philippe, but the wretched priest +implored the saint beneath his breath to prevent him from failing if +on the morrow that the lady should receive him kindly and mercifully; +and the good archbishop, observing the fervour of his servant, cried +out him, "Courage little one, and Heaven will exorcise thee." + +On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the Council against +the shameless behaviour of the apostles of Christianity, Philippe de +Mala spent his angels--acquired with so much labour--in perfumes, +baths, fomentations, and other fooleries. He played the fop so well, +one would have thought him the fancy cavalier of a gay lady. He +wandered about the town in order to find the residence of his heart's +queen; and when he asked the passers-by to whom belonged the aforesaid +house, they laughed in his face, saying-- + +"Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard of La Belle +Imperia?" + +He was very much afraid he and his angels were gone to the devil when +he heard the name, and knew into what a nice mess he had voluntarily +fallen. + +Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in the world, +although she passed for the most dazzling and the beautiful, and the +one who best understood the art of bamboozling cardinals and softening +the hardiest soldiers and oppressors of the people. She had brave +captains, archers, and nobles, ready to serve her at every turn. She +had only to breathe a word, and the business of anyone who had +offended her was settled. A free fight only brought a smile to her +lips, and often the Sire de Baudricourt--one of the King's Captains +--would ask her if there were any one he could kill for her that day +--a little joke at the expense of the abbots. With the exception of the +potentates among the high clergy with whom Madame Imperia managed to +accommodate her little tempers, she ruled everyone with a high hand in +virtue of her pretty babble and enchanting ways, which enthralled the +most virtuous and the most unimpressionable. Thus she lived beloved +and respected, quite as much as the real ladies and princesses, and +was called Madame, concerning which the good Emperor Sigismund replied +to a lady who complained of it to him, "That they, the good ladies, +might keep to their own proper way and holy virtues, and Madame +Imperia to the sweet naughtiness of the goddess Venus"--Christian +words which shocked the good ladies, to their credit be it said. + +Philippe, then thinking over it in his mind that which on the +preceding evening he had seen with his eyes, doubted if more did not +remain behind. Then was he sad, and without taking bite or sup, +strolled about the town waiting the appointed hour, although he was +well-favoured and gallant enough to find others less difficult to +overcome than was Madame Imperia. + +The night came; the little Touranian, exalted with pride caparisoned +with desire, and spurred by his "alacks" and "alases" which nearly +choked him, glided like an eel into the domicile of the veritable +Queen of the Council--for before her bowed humbly all the authority, +science, and wisdom of Christianity. The major domo did not know him, +and was going to bundle him out again, when one of the chamber-women +called him from the top of the stairs--"Eh, M. Imbert, it is Madame's +young fellow," and poor Philippe, blushing like a wedding night, ran +up the stairs, shaking with happiness and delight. The servant took +him by the hand and led into the chamber where sat Madame, lightly +attired like a brave woman who awaits her conqueror. + +The dazzling Imperia was seated near a table covered with a shaggy +cloth ornamented with gold, and with all the requisites for a dainty +carouse. Flagons of wine, various drinking glasses, bottles of the +hippocras, flasks full of good wine of Cyprus, pretty boxes full of +spices, roast peacocks, green sauces, little salt hams--all that would +gladden the eyes of the gallant if he had not so madly loved Madame +Imperia. + +She saw well that the eyes of the young priest were all for her. +Although accustomed to the curl-paper devotion of the churchmen, she +was well satisfied that she had made a conquest of the young priest +who all day long had been in her head. + +The windows had been closed; Madame was decked out in a manner fit to +do honours to a prince of the Empire. Then the rogue, beatified by the +holy beauty of Imperia, knew that Emperor, burgraf, nay, even a +cardinal about to be elected pope, would willingly for that night have +changed places with him, a little priest who, beneath his gown, had +only the devil and love. + +He put on a lordly air, and saluted her with a courtesy by no means +ungraceful; and then the sweet lady said to him, regaling with a +piercing glance-- + +"Come and sit close to me, that I may see if you have altered since +yesterday." + +"Oh yes," said he. + +"And how?" said she. + +"Yesterday," replied the artful fellow, "I loved you; today, we love +each other, and from a poor sinner I have become richer than a king." + +"Oh, little one, little one!" cried she, merrily; "yes, you are indeed +changed, for from a young priest I see well you have turned into an +old devil." + +And side by side they sat down before a large fire, which helped to +spread their ecstasy around. They remained always ready to begin +eating, seeing that they only thought of gazing into each other's +eyes, and never touched a dish. Just as they were beginning to feel +comfortable and at their ease, there came a great noise at Madame's +door, as if people were beating against it, and crying out. + +"Madame," cried the little servant hastily, "here's another of them." + +"Who is it?" cried she in a haughty manner, like a tyrant, savage at +being interrupted. + +"The Bishop of Coire wishes to speak with you." + +"May the devil take him!" said she, looking at Philippe gently. + +"Madame he has seen the light through the chinks, and is making a +great noise." + +"Tell him I have the fever, and you will be telling him no lie, for I +am ill of this little priest who is torturing my brain." + +But just as she had finished speaking, and was pressing with devotion +the hand of Philippe who trembled in his skin, appeared the fat Bishop +of Coire, indignant and angry. The officers followed him, bearing a +trout canonically dressed, fresh from the Rhine, and shining in a +golden platter, and spices contained in little ornamental boxes, and a +thousand dainties, such as liqueurs and jams, made by the holy nuns at +his Abbey. + +"Ah, ah!" said he, with his deep voice, "I haven't time to go to the +devil, but you must give me a touch of him in advance, eh! my little +one." + +"Your belly will one day make a nice sheath for a sword," replied she, +knitting her brows above her eyes, which from being soft and gentle +had become mischievous enough to make one tremble. + +"And this little chorus singer is here to offer that?" said the +bishop, insolently turning his great rubicund face towards Philippe. + +"Monseigneur, I'm here to confess Madame." + +"Oh, oh, do you not know the canons? To confess the ladies at this +time of night is a right reserved to bishops, so take yourself off; go +and herd with simple monks, and never come back here again under pain +of excommunication." + +"Do not move," cried the blushing Imperia, more lovely with passion +than she was with love, because now she was possessed both with +passion and love. "Stop, my friend. Here you are in your own house." +Then he knew that he was really loved by her. + +"It is it not in the breviary, and an evangelical regulation, that you +should be equal with God in the valley of Jehoshaphat?" asked she of +the bishop. + +"'Tis is an invention of the devil, who has adulterated the holy +book," replied the great numskull of a bishop in a hurry to fall to. + +"Well then, be equal now before me, who am here below your goddess," +replied Imperia, "otherwise one of these days I will have you +delicately strangled between the head and shoulders; I swear it by the +power of my tonsure which is as good as the pope's." And wishing that +the trout should be added to the feast as well as the sweets and other +dainties, she added, cunningly, "Sit you down and drink with us." But +the artful minx, being up to a trick or two, gave the little one a +wink which told him plainly not to mind the German, whom she would +soon find a means to be rid of. + +The servant-maid seated the Bishop at the table, and tucked him up, +while Philippe, wild with rage that closed his mouth, because he saw +his plans ending in smoke, gave the archbishop to more devils than +ever were monks alive. Thus they got halfway through the repast, which +the young priest had not yet touched, hungering only for Imperia, near +whom he was already seated, but speaking that sweet language which the +ladies so well understand, that has neither stops, commas, accents, +letters, figures, characters, notes, nor images. The fat bishop, +sensual and careful enough of the sleek, ecclesiastical garment of +skin for which he was indebted to his late mother, allowed himself to +be plentifully served with hippocras by the delicate hand of Madame, +and it was just at his first hiccough that the sound of an approaching +cavalcade was heard in the street. The number of horses, the "Ho, ho!" +of the pages, showed plainly that some great prince hot with love, was +about to arrive. In fact, a moment afterwards the Cardinal of Ragusa, +against whom the servants of Imperia had not dared to bar the door, +entered the room. At this terrible sight the poor courtesan and her +young lover became ashamed and embarrassed, like fresh cured lepers; +for it would be tempting the devil to try and oust the cardinal, the +more so as at that time it was not known who would be pope, three +aspirants having resigned their hoods for the benefit of Christianity. +The cardinal, who was a cunning Italian, long bearded, a great +sophist, and the life and soul of the Council, guessed, by the +feeblest exercise of the faculties of his understanding, the alpha and +omega of the adventure. He only had to weigh in his mind one little +thought before he knew how to proceed in order to be able to +hypothecate his manly vigour. He arrived with the appetite of a hungry +monk, and to obtain its satisfaction he was just the man to stab two +monks and sell his bit of the true cross, which were wrong. + +"Hulloa! friend," said he to Philippe, calling him towards him. The +poor Tourainian, more dead than alive, and expecting the devil was +about to interfere seriously with his arrangements, rose and said, +"What is it?" to the redoubtable cardinal. + +He taking him by the arm led him to the staircase, looked him in the +white of the eye and said without any nonsense--"Ventredieu! You are a +nice little fellow, and I should not like to have to let your master +know the weight of your carcass. My revenge might cause me certain +pious expenses in my old age, so choose to espouse an abbey for the +remainder of your days, or to marry Madame to-night and die tomorrow." + +The poor little Tourainian in despair murmured, "May I come back when +your passion is over?" + +The cardinal could scarcely keep his countenance, but he said sternly, +"Choose the gallows or a mitre." + +"Ah!" said the priest, maliciously; "a good fat abbey." + +Thereupon the cardinal went back into the room, opened an escritoire, +and scribbled upon a piece of parchment an order to the envoy of +France. + +"Monseigneur," said the Tourainian to him while he was spelling out +the order, "you will not get rid of the Bishop of Coire so easily as +you have got rid of me, for he has as many abbeys as the soldiers have +drinking shops in the town; besides, he is in the favour of his lord. +Now I fancy to show you my gratitude for this so fine Abbey I owe you +good piece of advice. You know how fatal has been and how rapidly +spread this terrible pestilence which has cruelly harassed Paris. Tell +him that you have just left the bedside of your old friend the +Archbishop of Bordeaux; thus you will make him scutter away like straw +before a whirl-wind. + +"Oh, oh!" cried the cardinal, "thou meritest more than an abbey. Ah, +Ventredieu! my young friend, here are 100 golden crowns for thy +journey to the Abbey of Turpenay, which I won yesterday at cards, and +of which I make you a free gift." + +Hearing these words, and seeing Philippe de Mala disappear without +giving her the amorous glances she expected, the beautiful Imperia, +puffing like a dolphin, denounced all the cowardice of the priest. She +was not then a sufficiently good Catholic to pardon her lover +deceiving her, by not knowing how to die for her pleasure. Thus the +death of Philippe was foreshadowed in the viper's glance she cast at +him to insult him, which glance pleased the cardinal much, for the +wily Italian saw he would soon get his abbey back again. The +Touranian, heeding not the brewing storm avoided it by walking out +silently with his ears down, like a wet dog being kicked out of a +Church. Madame drew a sigh from her heart. She must have had her own +ideas of humanity for the little value she held in it. The fire which +possessed her had mounted to her head, and scintillated in rays about +her, and there was good reason for it, for this was the first time +that she had been humbugged by priest. Then the cardinal smiled, +believing it was all to his advantage: was not he a cunning fellow? +Yes, he was the possessor of a red hat. + +"Ah, ah! my friend," said he to the Bishop, "I congratulate myself on +being in your company, and I am glad to have been able to get rid of +that little wretch unworthy of Madame, the more so as if you had gone +near him, my lovely and amiable creature, you would have perished +miserably through the deed of a simple priest." + +"Ah! How?" + +"He is the secretary of the Archbishop of Bordeaux. The good man was +seized this morning with the pestilence." + +The bishop opened his mouth wide enough to swallow a Dutch cheese. + +"How do you know that?" asked he. + +"Ah!" said the cardinal, taking the good German's hand, "I have just +administered to him, and consoled him; at this moment the holy man has +a fair wind to waft him to paradise." + +The Bishop of Coire demonstrated immediately how light fat man are; +for when men are big-bellied, a merciful providence, in the +consideration of their works, often makes their internal tubes as +elastic as balloons. The aforesaid bishop sprang backwards with one +bound, burst into a perspiration and coughed like a cow who finds +feathers mixed with her hay. Then becoming suddenly pale, he rushed +down the stairs without even bidding Madame adieu. When the door had +closed upon the bishop, and he was fairly in the street, the Cardinal +of Ragusa began laughing fit to split his sides. + +"Ah! my fair one, am I not worthy to be Pope, and better than that, +thy lover this evening?" + +But seeing Imperia thoughtful he approached her to take her in his +arms, and pet her after the usual fashion of cardinals, men who +embrace better than all others, even the soldiers, because they are +lazy, and do not spare their essential properties. + +"Ha!" said she, drawing back, "you wish to cause my death, you +ecclesiastical idiot. The principal thing for you is to enjoy +yourself; my sweet carcass, a thing accessory. Your pleasure will be +my death, and then you'll canonise me perhaps? Ah, you have the +plague, and you would give it to me. Go somewhere else, you brainless +priest. Ah! touch me not," said she, seeing him about to advance, "or +I will stab you with this dagger." + +And the clever hussy drew from her armoire a little dagger, which she +knew how to use with great skill when necessary. + +"But my little paradise, my sweet one," said the other, laughing, +"don't you see the trick? Wasn't it necessary to be get rid of that +old bullock of Coire?" + +"Well then, if you love me, show it" replied she. "I desire that you +leave me instantly. If you are touched with the disease my death will +not worry you. I know you well enough to know at what price you will +put a moment of pleasure at your last hour. You would drown the earth. +Ah, ah! you have boasted of it when drunk. I love only myself, my +treasures, and my health. Go, and if tomorrow your veins are not +frozen by the disease, you can come again. Today, I hate you, good +cardinal," said she, smiling. + +"Imperia!" cried the cardinal on his knees, "my blessed Imperia, do +not play with me thus." + +"No," said she, "I never play with blessed and sacred things." + +"Ah! ribald woman, I will excommunicate thee tomorrow." + +"And now you are out of your cardinal sense." + +"Imperia, cursed daughter of Satan! Oh, my little beauty--my love--!" + +"Respect yourself more. Don't kneel to me, fie for shame!" + +"Wilt thou have a dispensation in articulo mortis? Wilt thou have my +fortune--or better still, a bit of the veritable true Cross?--Wilt +thou?" + +"This evening, all the wealth of heaven above and earth beneath would +not buy my heart," said she, laughing. "I should be the blackest of +sinners, unworthy to receive the Blessed Sacrament if I had not my +little caprices." + +"I'll burn the house down. Sorceress, you have bewitched me. You shall +perish at the stake. Listen to me, my love,--my gentle Dove--I promise +you the best place in heaven. Eh? No. Death to you then--death to the +sorceress." + +"Oh, oh! I will kill you, Monseigneur." + +And the cardinal foamed with rage. + +"You are making a fool of yourself," said she. "Go away, you'll tire +yourself." + +"I shall be pope, and you shall pay for this!" + +"Then you are no longer disposed to obey me?" + +"What can I do this evening to please you?" + +"Get out." + +And she sprang lightly like a wagtail into her room, and locked +herself in, leaving the cardinal to storm that he was obliged to go. +When the fair Imperia found herself alone, seated before the fire, and +without her little priest, she exclaimed, snapping angrily the gold +links of her chain, "By the double triple horn on the devil, if the +little one has made me have this row with the Cardinal, and exposed me +to the danger of being poisoned tomorrow, unless I pay him over to my +heart's content, I will not die till I have seen him burned alive +before my eyes. Ah!" said she, weeping, this time real tears, "I lead +a most unhappy life, and the little pleasure I have costs me the life +of a dog, let alone my salvation." + +As she finished this jeremiad, wailing like a calf that is being +slaughtered, she beheld the blushing face of the young priest, who had +hidden himself, peeping at her from behind her large Venetian mirror. + +"Ah!" said she, "Thou art the most perfect monk that ever dwelt in +this blessed and amorous town of Constance. Ah, ah! Come my gentle +cavalier, my dear boy, my little charm, my paradise of delectation, +let me drink thine eyes, eat thee, kill thee with my love. Oh! my +ever-flourishing, ever-green, sempiternal god; from a little monk I +would make a king, emperor, pope, and happier than either. There, thou +canst put anything to fire and sword, I am thine, and thou shalt see +it well; for thou shalt be all a cardinal, even when to redden thy +hood I shed all my heart's blood." And with her trembling hands all +joyously she filled with Greek wine the golden cup, brought by the +Bishop of Coire, and presented it to her sweetheart, whom she served +upon her knee, she whose slipper princes found more to their taste +than that of the pope. + +But he gazed at her in silence, with his eye so lustrous with love, +that she said to him, trembling with joy "Ah! be quiet, little one. +Let us have supper." + + + + THE VENIAL SIN + + +HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE. + +Messire Bruyn, he who completed the Castle of Roche-Corbon-les-Vouvray, +on the banks of the Loire, was a boisterous fellow in his +youth. When quite little, he squeezed young ladies, turned the house +out of windows, and played the devil with everything, when he was +called upon to put his Sire the Baron of Roche-Corbon some few feet +under the turf. Then he was his own master, free to lead a life of +wild dissipation, and indeed he worked very hard to get a surfeit of +enjoyment. Now by making his crowns sweat and his goods scarce, +draining his land, and a bleeding his hogsheads, and regaling frail +beauties, he found himself excommunicated from decent society, and had +for his friends only the plunderers of towns and the Lombardians. But +the usurers turned rough and bitter as chestnut husks, when he had no +other security to give them than his said estate of Roche-Corbon, +since the Rupes Carbonis was held from our Lord the king. Then Bruyn +found himself just in the humour to give a blow here and there, to +break a collar-bone or two, and quarrel with everyone about trifles. +Seeing which, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, his neighbour, and a man +liberal with his advice, told him that it was an evident sign of +lordly perfection, that he was walking in the right road, but if he +would go and slaughter, to the great glory of God, the Mahommedans who +defiled the Holy Land, it would be better still, and that he would +undoubtedly return full of wealth and indulgences into Touraine, or +into Paradise, whence all barons formerly came. + +The said Bruyn, admiring the great sense of the prelate, left the +country equipped by the monastery, and blessed by the abbot, to the +great delight of his friends and neighbours. Then he put to the sack +enough many towns of Asia and Africa, and fell upon the infidels +without giving them warning, burning the Saracens, the Greeks, the +English, and others, caring little whether they were friends or +enemies, or where they came from, since among his merits he had that +of being in no way curious, and he never questioned them until after +he had killed them. At this business, agreeable to God, to the King +and to himself, Bruyn gained renown as a good Christian and loyal +knight, and enjoyed himself thoroughly in these lands beyond the seas, +since he more willingly gave a crown to the girls than to the poor, +although he met many more poor people than perfect maids; but like a +good Touranian he made soup of anything. At length, when he was +satiated with the Turks, relics, and other blessings of the Holy Land, +Bruyn, to the great astonishment of the people of Vouvrillons, +returned from the Crusades laden with crowns and precious stones; +rather differently from some who, rich when they set out, came back +heavy with leprosy, but light with gold. On his return from Tunis, our +Lord, King Philippe, made him a Count, and appointed him his seneschal +in our country and that of Poitou. There he was greatly beloved and +properly thought well of, since over and above his good qualities he +founded the Church of the Carmes-Deschaulx, in the parish of +Egrignolles, as the peace-offering to Heaven for the follies of his +youth. Thus was he cardinally consigned to the good graces of the +Church and of God. From a wicked youth and reckless man, he became a +good, wise man, and discreet in his dissipations and pleasures; rarely +was in anger, unless someone blasphemed God before him, the which he +would not tolerate because he had blasphemed enough for every one in +his wild youth. In short, he never quarrelled, because, being +seneschal, people gave up to him instantly. It is true that he at that +time beheld all his desires accomplished, the which would render even +an imp of Satan calm and tranquil from his horns to his heels. And +besides this he possessed a castle all jagged at the corners, and +shaped and pointed like a Spanish doublet, situated upon a bank from +which it was reflected in the Loire. In the rooms were royal +tapestries, furniture, Saracen pomps, vanities, and inventions which +were much admired by people of Tours, and even by the archbishop and +clerks of St. Martin, to whom he sent as a free gift a banner fringed +with fine gold. In the neighbourhood of the said castle abounded fair +domains, wind-mills, and forests, yielding a harvest of rents of all +kinds, so that he was one of the strongest knights-banneret of the +province, and could easily have led to battle for our lord the king a +thousand men. In his old days, if by chance his bailiff, a diligent +man at hanging, brought before him a poor peasant suspected of some +offence, he would say, smiling-- + +"Let this one go, Brediff, he will count against those I +inconsiderately slaughtered across the seas"; oftentimes, however, he +would let them bravely hang on a chestnut tree or swing on his +gallows, but this was solely that justice might be done, and that the +custom should not lapse in his domain. Thus the people on his lands +were good and orderly, like fresh veiled nuns, and peaceful since he +protected them from the robbers and vagabonds whom he never spared, +knowing by experience how much mischief is caused by these cursed +beasts of prey. For the rest, most devout, finishing everything +quickly, his prayers as well as good wine, he managed the processes +after the Turkish fashion, having a thousand little jokes ready for +the losers, and dining with them to console them. He had all the +people who had been hanged buried in consecrated ground like godly +ones, some people thinking they had been sufficiently punished by +having their breath stopped. He only persecuted the Jews now and then, +and when they were glutted with usury and wealth. He let them gather +their spoil as the bees do honey, saying that they were the best of +tax-gatherers. And never did he despoil them save for the profit and +use of the churchmen, the king, the province, or himself. + +This jovial way gained for him the affection and esteem of every one, +great and small. If he came back smiling from his judicial throne, the +Abbot of Marmoustiers, an old man like himself, would say, "Ho, ha! +messire, there is some hanging on since you laugh thus!" And when +coming from Roche-Corbon to Tours he passed on horseback along the +Fauborg St. Symphorien, the little girls would say, "Ah! this is the +justice day, there is the good man Bruyn," and without being afraid +they would look at him astride on a big white hack, that he had +brought back with him from the Levant. On the bridge the little boys +would stop playing with the ball, and would call out, "Good day, Mr. +Seneschal" and he would reply, jokingly, "Enjoy yourselves, my +children, until you get whipped." "Yes, Mr. Seneschal." + +Also he made the country so contented and so free from robbers that +during the year of the great over-flowing of the Loire there were only +twenty-two malefactors hanged that winter, not counting a Jew burned +in the Commune of Chateau-Neuf for having stolen a consecrated wafer, +or bought it, some said, for he was very rich. + +One day, in the following year about harvest time, or mowing time, as +we say in Touraine, there came Egyptians, Bohemians, and other +wandering troupes who stole the holy things from the Church of St. +Martin, and in the place and exact situation of Madam the Virgin, left +by way of insult and mockery to our Holy Faith, an abandoned pretty +little girl, about the age of an old dog, stark naked, an acrobat, and +of Moorish descent like themselves. For this almost nameless crime it +was equally decided by the king, people, and the churchmen that the +Mooress, to pay for all, should be burned and cooked alive in the +square near the fountain where the herb market is. Then the good man +Bruyn clearly and dextrously demonstrated to the others that it would +be a thing most profitable and pleasant to God to gain over this +African soul to the true religion, and if the devil were lodged in +this feminine body the faggots would be useless to burn him, as said +the said order. To which the archbishop sagely thought most canonical +and conformable to Christian charity and the gospel. The ladies of the +town and other persons of authority said loudly that they were cheated +of a fine ceremony, since the Mooress was crying her eyes out in the +jail and would certainly be converted to God in order to live as long +as a crow, if she were allowed to do so, to which the seneschal +replied that if the foreigner would wholly commit herself to the +Christian religion there would be a gallant ceremony of another kind, +and that he would undertake that it should be royally magnificent, +because he would be her sponsor at the baptismal font, and that a +virgin should be his partner in the affair in order the better to +please the Almighty, while himself was reputed never to have lost the +bloom or innocence, in fact to be a coquebin. In our country of +Touraine thus are called the young virgin men, unmarried or so +esteemed to distinguish them from the husbands and the widowers, but +the girls always pick them without the name, because they are more +light-hearted and merry than those seasoned in marriage. + +The young Mooress did not hesitate between the flaming faggots and the +baptismal water. She much preferred to be a Christian and live than be +Egyptian and be burned; thus to escape a moment's baking, her heart +would burn unquenched through all her life, since for the greater +surety of her religion she was placed in the convent of nuns near +Chardonneret, where she took the vow of sanctity. The said ceremony +was concluded at the residence of the archbishop, where on this +occasion, in honour of the Saviour or men, the lords and ladies of +Touraine hopped, skipped and danced, for in this country the people +dance, skip, eat, flirt, have more feasts and make merrier than any in +the whole world. The good old seneschal had taken for his associate +the daughter of the lord of Azay-le-Ridel, which afterwards became +Azay-le-Brusle, the which lord being a Crusader was left before Acre, +a far distant town, in the hands of a Saracen who demanded a royal +ransom for him because the said lord was of high position. + +The lady of Azay having given his estate as security to the Lombards +and extortioners in order to raise the sum, remained, without a penny +in the world, awaiting her lord in a poor lodging in the town, +without a carpet to sit upon, but proud as the Queen of Sheba and +brave as a mastiff who defends the property of his master. Seeing this +great distress the seneschal went delicately to request this lady's +daughter to be the godmother of the said Egyptian, in order that he +might have the right of assisting the Lady of Azay. And, in fact, he +kept a heavy chain of gold which he had preserved since the +commencement of the taking of Cyprus, and the which he determined to +clasp about the neck of his pretty associate, but he hung there at the +same time his domain, and his white hairs, his money and his horses; +in short, he placed there everything he possessed, directly he had +seen Blanche of Azay dancing a pavan among the ladies of Tours. +Although the Moorish girl, making the most of her last day, had +astonished the assembly by her twists, jumps, steps, springs, and +elevations and artistic efforts, Blanche had the advantage of her, as +everyone agreed, so virginally and delicately did she dance. + +Now Bruyn, admiring this gentle maiden whose toes seemed to fear the +boards, and who amused herself so innocently for her seventeen years +--like a grasshopper trying her first note--was seized with an old +man's desire; a desire apoplectic and vigorous from weakness, which +heated him from the sole of foot to the nape of his neck--for his head +had too much snow on the top of it to let love lodge there. Then the +good man perceived that he needed a wife in his manor, and it appeared +more lonely to him than it was. And what then was a castle without a +chatelaine? As well have a clapper without its bell. In short, a wife +was the only thing that he had to desire, so he wished to have one +promptly, seeing that if the Lady of Azay made him wait, he had just +time to pass out of this world into the other. But during the +baptismal entertainment, he thought little of his severe wounds, and +still less of the eighty years that had stripped his head; he found +his eyes clear enough to see distinctly his young companion, who, +following the injunctions of the Lady of Azay, regaled him well with +glance and gesture, believing there could be no danger near so old a +fellow, in such wise that Blanche--naive and nice as she was in +contradistinction to the girls of Touraine, who are as wide-awake as a +spring morning--permitted the good man first to kiss her hand, and +afterwards her neck, rather low-down; at least so said the archbishop +who married them the week after; and that was a beautiful bridal, and +a still more beautiful bride. + +The said Blanche was slender and graceful as no other girl, and still +better than that, more maidenly than ever maiden was; a maiden all +ignorant of love, who knew not why or what it was; a maiden who +wondered why certain people lingered in their beds; a maiden who +believed that children were found in parsley beds. Her mother had thus +reared her in innocence, without even allowing her to consider, trifle +as it was, how she sucked in her soup between her teeth. Thus she was +a sweet flower, and intact, joyous and innocent; an angel, who needed +but the wings to fly away to Paradise. When she left the poor lodging +of her weeping mother to consummate her betrothal at the cathedral of +St. Gatien and St. Maurice, the country people came to a feast their +eyes upon the bride, and on the carpets which were laid down all along +the Rue de la Scellerie, and all said that never had tinier feet +pressed the ground of Touraine, prettier eyes gazed up to heaven, or a +more splendid festival adorned the streets with carpets and with +flowers. The young girls of St. Martin and of the boroughs of +Chateau-Neuf, all envied the long brown tresses with which doubtless +Blanche had fished for a count, but much more did they desire the gold +embroidered dress, the foreign stones, the white diamonds, and the +chains with which the little darling played, and which bound her for +ever to the said seneschal. The old soldier was so merry by her side, +that his happiness showed itself in his wrinkles, his looks, and his +movements. Although he was hardly as straight as a billhook, he held +himself so by the side of Blanche, that one would have taken him for a +soldier on parade receiving his officer, and he placed his hand on his +diaphragm like a man whose pleasure stifles and troubles him. +Delighted with the sound of the swinging bells, the procession, the +pomps, and the vanities of the said marriage, which was talked of long +after the episcopal rejoicings, the women desired a harvest of Moorish +girls, a deluge of old seneschals, and baskets full of Egyptian +baptisms. But this was the only one that ever happened in Touraine, +seeing that the country is far from Egypt and from Bohemia. The Lady +of Azay received a large sum of money after the ceremony, which +enabled her to start immediately for Acre to go to her spouse, +accompanied by the lieutenant and soldiers of the Count of +Roche-Corbon, who furnished them with everything necessary. She set out +on the day of the wedding, after having placed her daughter in the hands +of the seneschal, enjoining him to treat her well; and later on she +returned with the Sire d'Azay, who was leprous, and she cured him, +tending him herself, running the risk of being contaminated, the which +was greatly admired. + +The marriage ceremony finished and at an end--for it lasted three +days, to the great contentment of the people--Messire Bruyn with great +pomp led the little one to his castle, and, according to the custom of +husbands, had her put solemnly to bed in his couch, which was blessed +by the Abbot of Marmoustiers; then came and placed himself beside her +in the great feudal chamber of Roche-Corbon, which had been hung with +green blockade and ribbon of golden wire. When old Bruyn, perfumed all +over, found himself side by side with his pretty wife, he kissed her +first upon the forehead, and then upon the little round, white breast, +on the same spot where she had allowed him to clasp the fastenings of +the chain, but that was all. The old fellow had too great confidence +in himself in fancying himself able to accomplish more; so then he +abstained from love in spite of the merry nuptial songs, the +epithalamiums and jokes which were going on in the rooms beneath where +the dancing was still kept up. He refreshed himself with a drink of +the marriage beverage, which according to custom, had been blessed and +placed near them in a golden cup. The spices warned his stomach well +enough, but not the heart of his dead ardour. Blanche was not at all +astonished at the demeanour of her spouse, because she was a virgin in +mind, and in marriage she saw only that which is visible to the eyes +of young girls--namely dresses, banquets, horses, to be a lady and +mistress, to have a country seat, to amuse oneself and give orders; +so, like the child that she was, she played with the gold tassels on +the bed, and marvelled at the richness of the shrine in which her +innocence should be interred. Feeling, a little later in the day, his +culpability, and relying on the future, which, however, would spoil a +little every day that with which he pretended to regale his wife, the +seneschal tried to substitute the word for the deed. So he entertained +his wife in various ways, promised her the keys of his sideboards, his +granaries and chests, the perfect government of his houses and domains +without any control, hanging round her neck "the other half of the +loaf," which is the popular saying in Touraine. She became like a +young charger full of hay, found her good man the most gallant fellow +in the world, and raising herself upon her pillow began to smile, and +beheld with greater joy this beautiful green brocaded bed, where +henceforward she would be permitted, without any sin, to sleep every +night. Seeing she was getting playful, the cunning lord, who had not +been used to maidens, but knew from experience the little tricks that +women will practice, seeing that he had much associated with ladies of +the town, feared those handy tricks, little kisses, and minor +amusements of love which formerly he did not object to, but which at +the present time would have found him cold as the obit of a pope. Then +he drew back towards the end of the bed, afraid of his happiness, and +said to his too delectable spouse, "Well, darling, you are a +seneschal's wife now, and very well seneschaled as well." + +"Oh no!" said she. + +"How no!" replied he in great fear; "are you not a wife?" + +"No!" said she. "Nor shall I be till I have had a child." + +"Did you while coming here see the meadows?" began again the old +fellow. + +"Yes," said she. + +"Well, they are yours." + +"Oh! Oh!" replied she laughing, "I shall amuse myself much there +catching butterflies." + +"That's a good girl," says her lord. "And the woods?" + +"Ah! I should not like to be there alone, you will take me there. +But," said she, "give me a little of that liquor which La Ponneuse has +taken such pains to prepare for us." + +"And why, my darling? It would put fire in your body." + +"Oh! That's what I should like," said she, biting her lip with +vexation, "because I desire to give you a child as soon as possible; +and I'm sure that liquor is good for the purpose." + +"Ah! my little one," said the seneschal, knowing by this that Blanche +was a virgin from head to foot, "the goodwill of God is necessary for +this business, and women must be in a state of harvest." + +"And when should I be in a state of harvest?" asked she, smiling. + +"When nature so wills it," said he, trying to laugh. + +"What is it necessary to do for this?" replied she. + +"Ah! A cabalistical and alchemical operation which is very dangerous." + +"Ah!" said she, with a dreamy look, "that's the reason why my mother +cried when thinking of the said metamorphosis; but Bertha de Breuilly, +who is so thankful for being made a wife, told me it was the easiest +thing in the world." + +"That's according to the age," replied the old lord. "But did you see +at the stable the beautiful white mare so much spoken of in Touraine?" + +"Yes, she is very gentle and nice." + +"Well, I give her to you, and you can ride her as often as the fancy +takes you." + +"Oh, you are very kind, and they did not lie when they told me so." + +"Here," continued he, "sweetheart; the butler, the chaplain, the +treasurer, the equerry, the farrier, the bailiff, even the Sire de +Montsoreau, the young varlet whose name is Gauttier and bears my +banner, with his men at arms, captains, followers, and beasts--all are +yours, and will instantly obey your orders under pain of being +incommoded with a hempen collar." + +"But," replied she, "this mysterious operation--cannot it be performed +immediately?" + +"Oh no!" replied the seneschal. "Because it is necessary above all +things that both the one and the other of us should be in a state of +grace before God; otherwise we should have a bad child, full of sin; +which is forbidden by the canons of the church. This is the reason +that there are so many incorrigible scapegraces in the world. Their +parents have not wisely waited to have their souls pure, and have +given wicked souls to their children. The beautiful and the virtuous +come of immaculate fathers; that is why we cause our beds to be +blessed, as the Abbot of Marmoustiers has done this one. Have you not +transgressed the ordinances of the Church?" + +"Oh no," said she, quickly, "I received before Mass absolution for all +my faults and have remained since without committing the slightest +sin." + +"You are very perfect," said the cunning lord, "and I am delighted to +have you for a wife; but I have sworn like an infidel." + +"Oh! and why?" + +"Because the dancing did not finish, and I could not have you to +myself to bring you here and kiss you." + +Thereupon he gallantly took her hands and covered them with kisses, +whispering to her little endearments and superficial words of +affection which made her quite pleased and contented. + +Then, fatigued with the dance and all the ceremonies, she settled down +to her slumbers, saying to the seneschal-- + +"I will take care tomorrow that you shall not sin," and she left the +old man quite smitten with her white beauty, amorous of her delicate +nature, and as embarrassed to know how he should be able to keep her +in her innocence as to explain why oxen chew their food twice over. +Although he did not augur to himself any good therefrom, it inflamed +him so much to see the exquisite perfections of Blanche during her +innocent and gentle sleep, that he resolved to preserve and defend +this pretty jewel of love. With tears in his eyes he kissed her sweet +golden tresses, the beautiful eyelids, and her ripe red mouth, and he +did it softly for fear of waking her. There was all his fruition, the +dumb delight which still inflamed his heart without in the least +affecting Blanche. Then he deplored the snows of his leafless old age, +the poor old man, that he saw clearly that God had amused himself by +giving him nuts when his teeth were gone. + + +HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY. + +During the first days of his marriage the seneschal imprinted many +fibs to tell his wife, whose so estimable innocence he abused. +Firstly, he found in his judicial functions good excuses for leaving +her at times alone; then he occupied himself with the peasants of the +neighbourhood, and took them to dress the vines on his lands at +Vouvray, and at length pampered her up with a thousand absurd tales. + +At one time he would say that lords did not behave like common people, +that the children were only planted at certain celestial conjunctions +ascertained by learned astrologers; at another that one should abstain +from begetting children on feast days, because it was a great +undertaking; and he observed the feasts like a man who wished to enter +into Paradise without consent. Sometimes he would pretend that if by +chance the parents were not in a state of grace, the children +commenced on the date of St. Claire would be blind, of St. Gatien had +the gout, of St. Agnes were scaldheaded, of St. Roch had the plague; +sometimes that those begotten in February were chilly; in March, too +turbulent; in April, were worth nothing at all; and that handsome boys +were conceived in May. In short, he wished his child to be perfect, to +have his hair of two colours; and for this it was necessary that all +the required conditions should be observed. At other times he would +say to Blanche that the right of a man was to bestow a child upon his +wife according to his sole and unique will, and that if she pretended +to be a virtuous woman she should conform to the wishes of her +husband; in fact it was necessary to await the return of the Lady of +Azay in order that she should assist at the confinement; from all of +which Blanche concluded that the seneschal was annoyed by her +requests, and was perhaps right, since he was old and full of +experience; so she submitted herself and thought no more, except to +herself, of this so much-desired child, that is to say, she was always +thinking of it, like a woman who has a desire in her head, without +suspecting that she was behaving like a gay lady or a town-walker +running after her enjoyment. One evening, by accident, Bruyn spoke of +children, a discourse that he avoided as cats avoid water, but he was +complaining of a boy condemned by him that morning for great misdeeds, +saying for certain he was the offspring of people laden with mortal +sins. + +"Alas!" said Blanche, "if you will give me one, although you have not +got absolution, I will correct so well that you will be pleased with +him." + +Then the count saw that his wife was bitten by a warm desire, and that +it was time to dissipate her innocence in order to make himself master +of it, to conquer it, to beat it, or to appease and extinguish it. + +"What, my dear, you wish to be a mother?" said he; "you do not yet +know the business of a wife, you are not accustomed to being mistress +of the house." + +"Oh! Oh!" said she, "to be a perfect countess, and have in my loins a +little count, must I play the great lady? I will do it, and +thoroughly." + +Then Blanche, in order to obtain issue, began to hunt the fawns and +stags, leaping the ditches, galloping upon her mare over valleys and +mountain, through the woods and the fields, taking great delight in +watching the falcons fly, in unhooding them and while hunting always +carried them gracefully upon her little wrist, which was what the +seneschal had desired. But in this pursuit, Blanche gained an appetite +of nun and prelate, that is to say, wished to procreate, had her +desires whetted, and could scarcely restrain her hunger, when on her +return she gave play to her teeth. Now by reason of reading the +legends written by the way, and of separating by death the embraces of +birds and wild beasts, she discovered a mystery of natural alchemy, +while colouring her complexion, and superagitating her feeble +imagination, which did little to pacify her warlike nature, and +strongly tickled her desire which laughed, played, and frisked +unmistakably. The seneschal thought to disarm the rebellious virtue of +his wife by making her scour the country; but his fraud turned out +badly, for the unknown lust that circulated in the veins of Blanche +emerged from these assaults more hardy than before, inviting jousts +and tourneys as the herald the armed knight. + +The good lord saw then that he had grossly erred and that he was now +upon the horns of a dilemma; also he no longer knew what course to +adopt; the longer he left it the more it would resist. From this +combat, there must result one conquered and one contused--a diabolical +contusion which he wished to keep distant from his physiognomy by +God's help until after his death. The poor seneschal had already great +trouble to follow his lady to the chase, without being dismounted; he +sweated under the weight of his trappings, and almost expired in that +pursuit wherein his frisky wife cheered her life and took great +pleasure. Many times in the evening she wished to dance. Now the good +man, swathed in his heavy clothing, found himself quite worn out with +these exercises, in which he was constrained to participate either in +giving her his hand, when she performed the vaults of the Moorish +girl, or in holding the lighted fagot for her, when she had a fancy to +do the torchlight dance; and in spite of his sciaticas, accretions, +and rheumatisms, he was obliged to smile and say to her some gentle +words and gallantries after all the evolutions, mummeries, and comic +pantomimes, which she indulged in to divert herself; for he loved her +so madly that if she had asked him for an impossibility he would have +sought one for her immediately. + +Nevertheless, one fine day he recognised the fact that his frame was +in a state of too great debility to struggle with the vigorous nature +of his wife, and humiliating himself before his wife's virtue he +resolved to let things take their course, relying a little upon the +modesty, religion, and bashfulness of Blanche, but he always slept +with one eye open, for he suspected that God had perhaps made +virginities to be taken like partridges, to be spitted and roasted. +One wet morning, when the weather was that in which the snails make +their tracks, a melancholy time, and suitable to reverie, Blanche was +in the house sitting in her chair in deep thought, because nothing +produces more lively concoctions of the substantive essences, and no +receipt, specific or philter is more penetrating, transpiercing or +doubly transpiercing and titillating than the subtle warmth which +simmers between the nap of the chair and a maiden sitting during +certain weather. + +Now without knowing it the Countess was incommoded by her innocence, +which gave more trouble than it was worth to her brain, and gnawed her +all over. Then the good man, seriously grieved to see her languishing, +wished to drive away the thoughts which were ultra-conjugal principles +of love. + +"Whence comes your sadness, sweetheart?" said he. + +"From shame." + +"What then affronts you?" + +"The not being a good woman; because I am without a child, and you +without lineage! Is one a lady without progeny? Nay! Look! . . . All +my neighbours have it, and I was married to have it, as you to give it +to me; the nobles of Touraine are all amply furnished with children, +and their wives give them lapfuls, you alone have none, they laugh at +you there. What will become of your name and your fiefs and your +seigniories? A child is our natural company; it is a delight to us to +make a fright of it, to fondle it, to swaddle it, to dress and undress +it, to cuddle it, to sing it lullabies, to cradle it, to get it up, to +put it to bed, and to nourish it, and I feel that if I had only the +half of one, I would kiss it, swaddle it, and unharness it, and I +would make it jump and crow all day long, as the other ladies do." + +"Were it not that in giving them birth women die, and that for this +you are still too delicate and too close in the bud, you would already +be a mother," replied the seneschal, made giddy with the flow of +words. "But will you buy one ready-made?--that will cost you neither +pain nor labour." + +"But," said she, "I want the pain and labour, without which it will +not be ours. I know very well it should be the fruit of my body, +because at church they say that Jesus was the fruit of the Virgin's +womb." + +"Very well, then pray God that it may be so," cried the seneschal, +"and intercede with the Virgin of Egrignolles. Many a lady has +conceived after the neuvaine; you must not fail to do one." + +Then the same day Blanche set out towards Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles, +decked out like a queen riding her beautiful mare, having on her a +robe of green velvet, laced down with fine gold lace, open at the +breast, having sleeves of scarlet, little shoes and a high hat +ornamented with precious stones, and a gold waistband that showed off +her little waist, as slim as a pole. She wished to give her dress to +Madame the Virgin, and in fact promised it to her, for the day of her +churching. The Sire de Montsoreau galloped before her, his eye bright +as that of a hawk, keeping the people back and guarding with his +knights the security of the journey. Near Marmoustiers the seneschal, +rendered sleepy by the heat, seeing it was the month of August, +waggled about in his saddle, like a diadem upon the head of a cow, and +seeing so frolicsome and so pretty a lady by the side of so old a +fellow, a peasant girl, who was squatting near the trunk of a tree and +drinking water out of her stone jug inquired of a toothless old hag, +who picked up a trifle by gleaning, if this princess was going to bury +her dead. + +"Nay," said the old woman, "it is our lady of Roche-Corbon, wife of +the seneschal of Poitou and Touraine, in quest of a child." + +"Ah! Ah!" said the young girl, laughing like a fly just satisfied; +then pointing to the handsome knight who was at the head of the +procession--"he who marches at the head would manage that; she would +save the wax-candles and the vow." + +"Ha! my little one," replied the hag, "I am rather surprised that she +should go to Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles seeing that there are no +handsome priests there. She might very well stop for a short time +beneath the shadow the belfry of Marmoustiers; she would soon be +fertile, those good fathers are so lively." + +"By a nun's oath!" said a tramp walking up, "look; the Sire de +Montsoreau is lively and delicate enough to open the lady's heart, the +more so as he is well formed to do so." + +And all commenced a laugh. The Sire de Montsoreau wished to go to them +and hang them in lime-tree by the road as a punishment for their bad +words, but Blanche cried out quickly-- + +"Oh, sir, do not hang them yet. They have not said all they mean; and +we shall see them on our return." + +She blushed, and the Sire de Montsoreau looked at her eagerly, as +though to shoot into her the mystic comprehensions of love, but the +clearing out of her intelligence had already been commenced by the +sayings of the peasants which were fructifying in her understanding +--her innocence was like touchwood, there was only need for a word +to inflame it. + +Thus Blanche perceived now the notable and physical differences +between the qualities of her old husband and perfections of the said +Gauttier, a gentleman who was not over affected with his twenty-three +years, but held himself upright as a ninepin in the saddle, and as +wide-awake as the matin chimes, while in contrast to him, slept the +seneschal; he had courage and dexterity there where his master failed. +He was one of those smart fellows whom the jades would sooner wear at +night than a leathern garment, because they then no longer fear the +fleas; there are some who vituperate them, but no one should be +blamed, because every one should sleep as he likes. + +So much did the seneschal's lady think, and so imperially well, that +by the time she arrived at the bridge of Tours, she loved Gauttier +secretly, as a maiden loves, without suspecting that it is love. From +that she became a proper woman, that is to say, she desired the good +of others, the best that men have, she fell into a fit of +love-sickness, going at the first jump to the depth of her misery, +seeing that all is flame between the first coveting and the last desire, +and she knew not how she then learned that by the eyes can flow in a +subtle essence, causing such powerful corrosions in all the veins of +the body, recesses of the heart, nerves of the members, roots of the +hair, perspiration of the substance, limbo of the brain, orifices of +the epidermis, windings of the pluck, tubes of the hypochondriac and +other channels which in her was suddenly dilated, heated, tickled, +envenomed, clawed, harrowed, and disturbed, as if she had a basketful +of needles in her inside. This was a maiden's desire, a +well-conditioned desire, which troubled her sight to such a degree that +she no longer saw her old spouse, but clearly the young Gauttier, whose +nature was as ample as the glorious chin of an abbot. When the good +man entered Tours the Ah! Ah! of the crowd woke him up, and he came +with great pomp with his suite to the Church of Notre-Dame de +l'Egrignolles, formerly called la greigneur, as if you said that which +has the most merit. Blanche went into the chapel where children are +asked to God and of the Virgin, and went there alone, as was the +custom, always however in the presence of the seneschal, of his +varlets and the loiterers who remained outside the grill. When the +countess saw the priest come who had charge of the masses said for +children, and who received the said vows, she asked him if there were +many barren women. To which the good priest replied, that he must not +complain, and that the children were good revenue to the Church. + +"And do you often see," said Blanche, "young women with such old +husbands as my lord?" + +"Rarely," said he. + +"But have those obtained offspring?" + +"Always," replied the priest smiling. + +"And the others whose companions are not so old?" + +"Sometimes." + +"Oh! Oh!" said she, "there is more certainty then with one like the +seneschal?" + +"To be sure," said the priest. + +"Why?" said she. + +"Madame," gravely replied priest, "before that age God alone +interferes with the affair, after, it is the men." + +At this time it was a true thing that all the wisdom had gone to the +clergy. Blanch made her vow, which was a very profitable one, seeing +that her decorations were worth quite two thousand gold crowns. + +"You are very joyful!" said the old seneschal to her when on the home +journey she made her mare prance, jump, and frisk. + +"Yes, yes!" said she. "There is no longer any doubt about my having a +child, because any one can help me, the priest said: I shall take +Gauttier." + +The seneschal wished to go and slay the monk, but he thought that was +a crime which would cost him too much, and he resolved cunningly to +arrange his vengeance with the help of the archbishop; and before the +housetops of Roche-Corbon came in sight he had ordered the Sire de +Montsoreau to seek a little retirement in his own country, which the +young Gauttier did, knowing the ways of the lord. The seneschal put in +the place of the said Gauttier the son of the Sire de Jallanges, whose +fief was held from Roche-Corbon. He was a young boy named Rene, +approaching fourteen years, and he made him a page, awaiting the time +when he should be old enough to be an equerry, and gave the command of +his men to an old cripple, with whom he had knocked about a great deal +in Palestine and other places. Thus the good man believed he would +avoid the horned trappings of cuckoldom, and would still be able to +girth, bridle, and curb the factious innocence of his wife, which +struggled like a mule held by a rope. + + +THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN. + +The Sunday following the arrival of Rene at the manor of Roche-Corbon, +Blanche went out hunting without her goodman, and when she was in the +forest near Les Carneaux, saw a monk who appeared to be pushing a girl +about more than was necessary, and spurred on her horse, saying to her +people, "Ho there! Don't let him kill her." But when the seneschal's +lady arrived close to them, she turned her horse's head quickly and +the sight she beheld prevented her from hunting. She came back +pensive, and then the lantern of her intelligence opened, and received +a bright light, which made a thousand things clear, such as church and +other pictures, fables, and lays of the troubadours, or the domestic +arrangements of birds; suddenly she discovered the sweet mystery of +love written in all languages, even in that of the Carps'. Is it not +silly thus to seal this science from maidens? Soon Blanche went to +bed, and soon said she to the seneschal-- + +"Bruyn, you have deceived me, you ought to behave as the monk of the +Carneaux behaved to the girl." + +Old Bruyn suspected the adventure, and saw well that his evil hour was +at hand. He regarded Blanche with too much fire in his eyes for the +same ardour to be lower down, and answered her softly-- + +"Alas! sweetheart, in taking you for my wife I had more love than +strength, and I have taken advantage of your clemency and virtue. The +great sorrow of my life is to feel all my capability in my heart only. +This sorrow hastens my death little by little, so that you will soon +be free. Wait for my departure from this world. That is the sole +request that he makes of you, he who is your master, and who could +command you, but who wishes only to be your prime minister and slave. +Do not betray the honour of my white hairs! Under these circumstances +there have been lords who have slain their wives. + +"Alas! you will not kill me?" said she. + +"No," replied the old man, "I love thee too much, little one; why, +thou art the flower of my old age, the joy of my soul. Thou art my +well-beloved daughter; the sight of thee does good to mine eyes, and +from thee I could endure anything, be it a sorrow or a joy, provided +that thou does not curse too much the poor Bruyn who has made thee a +great lady, rich and honoured. Wilt thou not be a lovely widow? And +thy happiness will soften the pangs of death." + +And he found in his dried-up eyes still one tear which trickled quite +warm down his fir-cone coloured face, and fell upon the hand of +Blanche, who, grieved to behold this great love of her old spouse who +would put himself under the ground to please her, said laughingly-- + +"There! there! don't cry, I will wait." + +Thereupon the seneschal kissed her hands and regaled her with little +endearments, saying with a voice quivering with emotion-- + +"If you knew, Blanche my darling, how I devour thee in thy sleep with +caresses, now here, now there!" And the old ape patted her with his +two hands, which were nothing but bones. And he continued, "I dared +not waken the cat that would have strangled my happiness, since at +this occupation of love I only embraced with my heart." + +"Ah!" replied she, "you can fondle me thus even when my eyes are open; +that has not the least effect upon me." + +At these words the poor seneschal, taking the little dagger which was +on the table by the bed, gave it to her, saying with passion-- + +"My darling, kill me, or let me believe that you love me a little!" + +"Yes, yes," said she, quite frightened, "I will try to love you much." + +Behold how this young maidenhood made itself master of this old man +and subdued him, for in the name of the sweet face of Venus, Blanche, +endowed with the natural artfulness of women, made her old Bruyn come +and go like a miller's mule. + +"My good Bruyn, I want this! Bruyn, I want that--go on Bruyn!" Bruyn! +Bruyn! And always Bruyn in such a way that Bruyn was more worn-out by +the clemency of his wife than he would have been by her unkindness. +She turned his brain wishing that everything should be in scarlet, +making him turn everything topsy-turvy at the least movement of her +eyebrow, and when she was sad the seneschal distracted, would say to +everything from his judicial seat, "Hang him!" Another would have died +like a fly at this conflict with the maid's innocence, but Bruyn was +of such an iron nature that it was difficult to finish him off. One +evening that Blanche had turned the house upside-down, upset the men +and the beasts, and would by her aggravating humour have made the +eternal father desperate--he who has such an infinite treasure of +patience since he endures us--she said to the seneschal while getting +into bed, "My good Bruyn, I have low down fancies, that bite and prick +me; thence they rise into my heart, inflame my brain, incite me +therein to evil deeds, and in the night I dream of the monk of the +Carneaux." + +"My dear," replied the seneschal, "these are devilries and temptations +against which the monks and nuns know how to defend themselves. If you +will gain salvation, go and confess to the worthy Abbot of +Marmoustiers, our neighbour; he will advise you well and will holily +direct you in the good way." + +"Tomorrow I will go," said she. + +And indeed directly it was day, she trotted off to the monastery of +the good brethren, who marvelled to see among them so pretty a lady; +committed more than one sin through her in the evening; and for the +present led her with great ceremony to their reverend abbot. + +Blanche found the said good man in a private garden near the high rock +under a flower arcade, and remained stricken with respect at the +countenance of the holy man, although she was accustomed not to think +much of grey hairs. + +"God preserve you, Madame; what can you have to seek of one so near +death, you so young?" + +"Your precious advice," said she, saluting him with a courtesy; "and +if it will please you to guide so undutiful a sheep, I shall be well +content to have so wise a confessor." + +"My daughter," answered the monk, with whom old Bruyn had arranged +this hypocrisy and the part to play, "if I had not the chills of a +hundred winters upon this unthatched head, I should not dare to listen +to your sins, but say on; if you enter paradise, it will be through +me." + +Then the seneschal's wife set forth the small fry of her stock in +hand, and when she was purged of her little iniquities, she came to +the postscript of her confession. + +"Ah! my father!" said she, "I must confess to you that I am daily +exercised by the desire to have a child. Is it wrong?" + +"No," said the abbot. + +But she went on, "It is by nature commanded to my husband not to draw +from his wealth to bring about his poverty, as the old women say by +the way." + +"Then," replied the priest, "you must live virtuously and abstain from +all thoughts of this kind." + +"But I have heard it professed by the Lady of Jallanges, that it was +not a sin when from it one derived neither profit nor pleasure." + +"There always is pleasure," said the abbot, "but don't count upon the +child as a profit. Now fix this in your understanding, that it will +always be a mortal sin before God and a crime before men to bring +forth a child through the embraces of a man to whom one is not +ecclesiastically married. Thus those women who offend against the holy +laws of marriage, suffer great penalties in the other world, are in +the power of horrible monsters with sharp and tearing claws, who +thrust them into flaming furnaces in remembrance of the fact that here +below they have warmed their hearts a little more than was lawful." + +Thereupon Blanche scratched her ear, and having thought to herself for +a little while, she said to the priest, "How then did the Virgin +Mary?" + +"Ah!" replied abbot, "that it is a mystery." + +"And what is a mystery?" + +"A thing that cannot be explained, and which one ought to believe +without enquiring into it." + +"Well then," said she, "cannot I perform a mystery?" + +"This one," said the Abbot, "only happened once, because it was the +Son of God." + +"Alas! my father, is it then the will of God that I should die, or +that from wise and sound comprehension my brain should be turned? Of +this there is a great danger. Now in me something moves and excites +me, and I am no longer in my senses. I care for nothing, and to find a +man I would leap the walls, dash over the fields without shame and +tear my things into tatters, only to see that which so much excited +the monk of the Carneaux; and during these passions which work and +prick my mind and body, there is neither God, devil, nor husband. I +spring, I run, I smash up the wash-tubs, the pots, the farm +implements, a fowl-house, the household things, and everything, in a +way that I cannot describe. But I dare not confess to you all my +misdeeds, because speaking of them makes my mouth water, and the thing +with which God curses me makes me itch dreadfully. If this folly bites +and pricks me, and slays my virtue, will God, who has placed this +great love in my body, condemn me to perdition?" + +At this question it was the priest who scratched his ear, quite +dumbfounded by the lamentations, profound wisdom, controversies and +intelligence that this virginity secreted. + +"My daughter," said he, "God has distinguished us from the beasts and +made us a paradise to gain, and for this given us reason, which is a +rudder to steer us against tempests and our ambitious desires, and +there is a means of easing the imaginations of one's brain by fasting, +excessive labours, and other virtues; and instead of frisking and +fretting like a child let loose from school, you should pray to the +virgin, sleep on a hard board, attend to your household duties, and +never be idle." + +"Ah! my father, when I am at church in my seat, I see neither the +priest nor the altar, only the infant Jesus, who brings the thing into +my head. But to finish, if my head is turned and my mind wanders, I am +in the lime-twigs of love." + +"If thus you were," said the abbot, imprudently, "you would be in the +position of Saint Lidoire, who in a deep sleep one day, one leg here +and one leg there, through the great heat and scantily attired, was +approached by a young man full of mischief, who dexterously seduced +her, and as of this trick the saint was thoroughly ignorant, and much +surprised at being brought to bed, thinking that her unusual size was +a serious malady, she did penance for it as a venial sin, as she had +no pleasure in this wicked business, according to the statement of the +wicked man, who said upon the scaffold where he was executed, that the +saint had in nowise stirred." + +"Oh, my father," said she, "be sure that I should not stir more than +she did!" + +With this statement she went away prettily and gracefully, smiling and +thinking how she could commit a venial sin. On her return from the +great monastery, she saw in the courtyard of her castle the little +Jallanges, who under the superintendence of an old groom was turning +and wheeling about on a fine horse, bending with the movements of the +animal, dismounting and mounting again with vaults and leaps most +gracefully, and with lissome thighs, so pretty, so dextrous, so +upright as to be indescribable, so much so, that he would have made +the Queen Lucrece long for him, she who killed herself from having +been contaminated against her will. + +"Ah!" said Blanche, "if only this page were fifteen, I would go to +sleep comfortably very near to him." + +Then, in spite of the too great youth of this charming servitor, +during the collation and supper, she eyed frequently the black hair, +the white skin, the grace of Rene, above all his eyes, where was an +abundance of limpid warmth and a great fire of life, which he was +afraid to shoot out--child that he was. + +Now in the evening, as the seneschal's wife sat thoughtfully in her +chair in the corner of the fireplace, old Bruyn interrogated her as to +her trouble. + +"I am thinking." said she, "that you must have fought the battles of +love very early, to be thus completely broken up." + +"Oh!" smiled he, smiling like all old men questioned upon their +amorous remembrances, "at the age of thirteen and a half I had +overcome the scruples of my mother's waiting woman." + +Blanche wished to hear nothing more, but believed the page Rene should +be equally advanced, and she was quite joyous and practised little +allurements on the good man, and wallowed silently in her desire, like +a cake which is being floured. + + +HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED. + +The seneschal's wife did not think long over the best way quickly to +awaken the love of the page, and had soon discovered the natural +ambuscade in the which the most wary are taken. This is how: at the +warmest hour of the day the good man took his siesta after the Saracen +fashion, a habit in which he had never failed, since his return from +the Holy Land. During this time Blanche was alone in the grounds, +where the women work at their minor occupations, such as broidering +and stitching, and often remained in the rooms looking after the +washing, putting the clothes tidy, or running about at will. Then she +appointed this quiet hour to complete the education of the page, +making him read books and say his prayers. Now on the morrow, when at +the mid-day hour the seneschal slept, succumbing to the sun which +warms with its most luminous rays the slopes of Roche-Corbon, so much +so that one is obliged to sleep, unless annoyed, upset, and +continually roused by a devil of a young woman. Blanche then +gracefully perched herself in the great seignorial chair of her good +man, which she did not find any too high, since she counted upon the +chances of perspective. The cunning jade settled herself dextrously +therein, like a swallow in its nest, and leaned her head maliciously +upon her arm like a child that sleeps; but in making her preparations +she opened fond eyes, that smiled and winked in advance of the little +secret thrills, sneezes, squints, and trances of the page who was +about to lie at her feet, separated from her by the jump of an old +flea; and in fact she advanced so much and so near the square of +velvet where the poor child should kneel, whose life and soul she +trifled with, that had he been a saint of stone, his glance would have +been constrained to follow the flexousities of the dress in order to +admire and re-admire the perfections and beauties of the shapely leg, +which moulded the white stocking of the seneschal's lady. Thus it was +certain that a weak varlet would be taken in the snare, wherein the +most vigorous knight would willingly have succumbed. When she had +turned, returned, placed and displaced her body, and found the +situation in which the page would be most comfortable, she cried, +gently. "Rene!" Rene, whom she knew well was in the guard-room, did +not fail to run in and quickly thrust his brown head between the +tapestries of the door. + +"What do you please to wish?" said the page. And he held with great +respect in his hand his shaggy scarlet cap, less red than his fresh +dimpled cheeks. + +"Come hither," replied she, under her breath, for the child attracted +her so strongly that she was quite overcome. + +And forsooth there were no jewels so sparkling as the eyes of Rene, no +vellum whiter than his skin, no woman more exquisite in shape--and so +near to her desire, she found him still more sweetly formed--and was +certain that the merry frolics of love would radiate well from this +youth, the warm sun, the silence, et cetera. + +"Read me the litanies of Madame the Virgin," said she to him, pushing +an open book him on her prieu-dieu. "Let me see if you are well taught +by your master." + +"Do you not think the Virgin beautiful?" asked she of him, smiling +when he held the illuminated prayer-book in which glowed the silver +and gold. + +"It is a painting," replied he, timidly, and casting a little glance +upon his so gracious mistress. + +"Read! read!" + +Then Rene began to recite the so sweet and so mystic litanies; but you +may imagine that the "Ora pro nobis" of Blanche became still fainter +and fainter, like the sound of the horn in the woodlands, and when the +page went on, "Oh, Rose of mystery," the lady, who certainly heard +distinctly, replied by a gentle sigh. Thereupon Rene suspected that +his mistress slept. Then he commenced to cover her with his regard, +admiring her at his leisure, and had then no wish to utter any anthem +save the anthem of love. His happiness made his heart leap and bound +into his throat; thus, as was but natural, these two innocents burned +one against the other, but if they could have foreseen never would +have intermingled. Rene feasted his eyes, planning in his mind a +thousand fruitions of love that brought the water into his mouth. In +his ecstasy he let his book fall, which made him feel as sheepish as a +monk surprised at a child's tricks; but also from that he knew that +Blanche was sound asleep, for she did not stir, and the wily jade +would not have opened her eyes even at the greatest dangers, and +reckoned on something else falling as well as the book of prayer. + +There is no worse longing than the longing of a woman in certain +condition. Now, the page noticed his lady's foot, which was delicately +slippered in a little shoe of a delicate blue colour. She had +angularly placed it on a footstool, since she was too high in the +seneschal's chair. This foot was of narrow proportions, delicately +curved, as broad as two fingers, and as long as a sparrow, tail +included, small at the top--a true foot of delight, a virginal foot +that merited a kiss as a robber does the gallows; a roguish foot; a +foot wanton enough to damn an archangel; an ominous foot; a devilishly +enticing foot, which gave one a desire to make two new ones just like +it to perpetuate in this lower world the glorious works of God. The +page was tempted to take the shoe from this persuasive foot. To +accomplish this his eyes glowing with the fire of his age, went +swiftly, like the clapper of a bell, from this said foot of +delectation to the sleeping countenance of his lady and mistress, +listening to her slumber, drinking in her respiration again and again, +it did not know where it would be sweetest to plant a kiss--whether on +the ripe red lips of the seneschal's wife or on this speaking foot. At +length, from respect or fear, or perhaps from great love, he chose the +foot, and kissed it hastily, like a maiden who dares not. Then +immediately he took up his book, feeling his red cheeks redder still, +and exercised with his pleasure, he cried like a blind man--"_Janua +coeli,: gate of Heaven_." But Blanche did not move, making sure that +the page would go from foot to knee, and thence to "_Janua coeli,: gate +of Heaven_." She was greatly disappointed when the litanies finished +without any other mischief, and Rene, believing he had had enough +happiness for one day, ran out of the room quite lively, richer from +this hardy kiss than a robber who has robbed the poor-box. + +When the seneschal's lady was alone, she thought to herself that this +page would be rather a long time at his task if he amused himself with +the singing of the Magnificat at matins. Then she determined on the +morrow to raise her foot a little, and then to bring to light those +hidden beauties that are called perfect in Touraine, because they take +no hurt in the open air, and are always fresh. You can imagine that +the page, burned by his desire and his imagination, heated by the day +before, awaited impatiently the hour to read in this breviary of +gallantry, and was called; and the conspiracy of the litanies +commenced again, and Blanche did not fail to fall asleep. This time +the said Rene fondled with his hand the pretty limb, and even ventured +so far as to verify if the polished knee and its surroundings were +satin. At this sight the poor child, armed against his desire, so +great was his fear, dared only to make brief devotion and curt +caresses, and although he kissed softly this fair surface, he remained +bashful, the which, feeling by the senses of her soul and the +intelligence of her body, the seneschal's lady who took great care not +to move, called out to him--"Ah, Rene, I am asleep." + +Hearing what he believed to be a stern reproach, the page frightened +ran away, leaving the books, the task, and all. Thereupon, the +seneschal's better half added this prayer to the litany--"Holy Virgin, +how difficult children are to make." + +At dinner her page perspired all down his back while waiting on his +lady and her lord; but he was very much surprised when he received +from Blanche the most shameless of all glances that ever woman cast, +and very pleasant and powerful it was, seeing that it changed this +child into a man of courage. Now, the same evening Bruyn staying a +little longer than was his custom in his own apartment, the page went +in search of Blanche, and found her asleep, and made her dream a +beautiful dream. + +He knocked off the chains that weighed so heavily upon her, and so +plentifully bestowed upon her the sweets of love, that the surplus +would have sufficed to render to others blessed with the joys of +maternity. So then the minx, seizing the page by the head and +squeezing him to her, cried out--"Oh, Rene! Thou hast awakened me!" + +And in fact there was no sleep could stand against it, and it is +certain that saints must sleep very soundly. From this business, +without any other mystery, and by a benign faculty which is the +assisting principle of spouses, the sweet and graceful plumage, +suitable to cuckolds, was placed upon the head of the good husband +without his experiencing the slightest shock. + +After this sweet repast, the seneschal's lady took kindly to her +siesta after the French fashion, while Bruyn took his according to the +Saracen. But by the said siesta she learned how the good youth of the +page had a better taste than that of the old seneschal, and at night +she buried herself in the sheets far away from her husband, whom she +found strong and stale. And from sleeping and waking up in the day, +from taking siestas and saying litanies, the seneschal's wife felt +growing within her that treasure for which she had so often and so +ardently sighed; but now she liked more the commencement than the +fructifying of it. + +You may be sure that Rene knew how to read, not only in books, but in +the eyes of his sweet lady, for whom he would have leaped into a +flaming pile, had it been her wish he should do so. When well and +amply, more than a hundred times, the train had been laid by them, the +little lady became anxious about her soul and the future of her friend +the page. Now one rainy day, as they were playing at touch-tag, like +two children, innocent from head to foot, Blanche, who was always +caught, said to him-- + +"Come here, Rene; do you know that while I have only committed venial +sins because I was asleep, you have committed mortal ones?" + +"Ah, Madame!" said he, "where then will God stow away all the damned +if that is to sin!" + +Blanche burst out laughing, and kissed his forehead. + +"Be quiet, you naughty boy; it is a question of paradise, and we must +live there together if you wish always to be with me." + +"Oh, my paradise is here." + +"Leave off," said she. "You are a little wretch--a scapegrace who does +not think of that which I love--yourself! You do not know that I am +with child, and that in a little while I shall be no more able to +conceal it than my nose. Now, what will the abbot say? What will my +lord say? He will kill you if he puts himself in a passion. My advice +is little one, that you go to the abbot of Marmoustiers, confess your +sins to him, asking him to see what had better be done concerning my +seneschal. + +"Alas," said the artful page, "if I tell the secret of our joys, he +will put his interdict upon our love." + +"Very likely," said she; "but thy happiness in the other world is a +thing so precious to me." + +"Do you wish it my darling?" + +"Yes," replied she rather faintly. + +"Well, I will go, but sleep again that I may bid you adieu." + +And the couple recited the litany of Farewells as if they had both +foreseen that their love must finish in its April. And on the morrow, +more to save his dear lady than to save himself, and also to obey her, +Rene de Jallanges set out towards the great monastery. + + +HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING. + +"Good God!" cried the abbot, when the page had chanted the Kyrie +eleison of his sweet sins, "thou art the accomplice of a great felony, +and thou has betrayed thy lord. Dost thou know page of darkness, that +for this thou wilt burn through all eternity? and dost thou know what +it is to lose forever the heaven above for a perishable and changeful +moment here below? Unhappy wretch! I see thee precipitated for ever in +the gulfs of hell unless thou payest to God in this world that which +thou owest him for such offence." + +Thereupon the good old abbot, who was of that flesh of which saints +are made, and who had great authority in the country of Touraine, +terrified the young man by a heap of representations, Christian +discourses, remembrances of the commandments of the Church, and a +thousand eloquent things--as many as a devil could say in six weeks to +seduce a maiden--but so many that Rene, who was in the loyal fervour +of innocence, made his submission to the good abbot. The said abbot, +wishing to make forever a good and virtuous man of this child, now in +a fair way to be a wicked one, commanded him first to go and prostrate +himself before his lord, to confess his conduct to him, and then if he +escaped from this confession, to depart instantly for the Crusades, +and go straight to the Holy Land, where he should remain fifteen years +of the time appointed to give battle to the Infidels. + +"Alas, my reverend father," said he, quite unmoved, "will fifteen +years be enough to acquit me of so much pleasure? Ah! If you knew, I +have had joy enough for a thousand years." + +"God will be generous. Go," replied the old abbot, "and sin no more. +On this account, _ego te absolvo_." + +Poor Rene returned thereupon with great contrition to the castle of +Roche-Corbon and the first person he met was the seneschal, who was +polishing up his arms, helmets, gauntlets, and other things. He was +sitting on a great marble bench in the open air, and was amusing +himself by making shine again the splendid trappings which brought +back to him the merry pranks in the Holy Land, the good jokes, and the +wenches, et cetera. When Rene fell upon his knees before him, the good +lord was much astonished. + +"What is it?" said he. + +"My lord," replied Rene, "order these people to retire." + +Which the servants having done, the page confessed his fault, +recounting how he had assailed his lady in her sleep, and that for +certain he had made her a mother in imitation of the man and the +saint, and came by order of the confessor to put himself at the +disposition of the offended person. Having said which, Rene de +Jallanges cast down his lovely eyes, which had produced all the +mischief, and remained abashed, prostrate without fear, his arms +hanging down, his head bare, awaiting his punishment, and humbling +himself to God. The seneschal was not so white that he could not +become whiter, and now he blanched like linen newly dried, remaining +dumb with passion. And this old man who had not in his veins the vital +force to procreate a child, found in this moment of fury more vigour +than was necessary to undo a man. He seized with his hairy right hand +his heavy club, lifted it, brandished it and adjusted it so easily you +could have thought it a bowl at a game of skittles, to bring it down +upon the pale forehead of the said Rene, who knowing that he was +greatly in fault towards his lord, remained placid, and stretching his +neck, thought that he was about to expiate his sin for his sweetheart +in this world and in the other. + +But his fair youth, and all the natural seductions of this sweet +crime, found grace before the tribunal of the heart of this old man, +although Bruyn was still severe, and throwing his club away on to a +dog who was catching beetles, he cried out, "May a thousand million +claws, tear during all eternity, all the entrails of him, who made +him, who planted the oak, that made the chair, on which thou hast +antlered me--and the same to those who engendered thee, cursed page of +misfortune! Get thee to the devil, whence thou camest--go out from +before me, from the castle, from the country, and stay not here one +moment more than is necessary, otherwise I will surely prepare for +thee a death by slow fire that shall make thee curse twenty times an +hour thy villainous and ribald partner!" + +Hearing the commencement of these little speeches of the seneschal, +whose youth came back in his oaths, the page ran away, escaping the +rest: and he did well. Bruyn, burning with a fierce rage, gained the +gardens speedily, reviling everything by the way, striking and +swearing; he even knocked over three large pans held by one of his +servants, was carrying the mess to the dogs, and he was so beside +himself that he would have killed a labourer for a "thank you." He +soon perceived his unmaidenly maiden, who was looking towards the road +to the monastery, waiting for the page, and unaware that she would +never see him again. + +"Ah, my lady! By the devil's red three-pronged fork, am I a swallower +of tarradiddles and a child, to believe that you are so fashioned that +a page can behave in this manner and you not know it? By the death! By +the head! By the blood!" + +"Hold!" she replied, seeing that the mine was sprung, "I knew it well +enough, but as you had not instructed me in these matters I thought +that I was dreaming!" + +The great ire of the seneschal melted like snow in the sun, for the +direst anger of God himself would have vanished at a smile from +Blanche. + +"May a thousand millions of devils carry off this alien child! I swear +that--" + +"There! there! do not swear," said she. "If it is not yours, it is +mine; and the other night did you not tell me you loved everything +that came from me?" + +Thereupon she ran on with such a lot of arguments, hard words, +complaints, quarrels, tears, and other paternosters of women; such as +--firstly the estates would not have to be returned to the king; that +never had a child been brought more innocently into the world, that +this, that that, a thousand things; until the good cuckold relented, +and Blanche, seizing a propitious interruption said-- + +"And where it is the page?" + +"Gone to the devil!" + +"What, have you killed him?" said she. She turned pale and tottered. + +Bruyn did not know what would become of him when he saw thus fall all +the happiness of his old age, and he would to save her have shown her +this page. He ordered him to be sought, but Rene had run off at full +speed, fearing he should be killed; and departed for the lands beyond +the seas, in order to accomplish his vow of religion. When Blanche had +learned from the above-mentioned abbot the penitence imposed upon her +well beloved, she fell into a state of great melancholy, saying at +times, "Where is he, the poor unfortunate, who is in the middle of +great dangers for love of me?" + +And always kept on asking, like a child who gives its mother no rest +until its request be granted it. At these lamentations the poor +seneschal, feeling himself to blame, endeavoured to do a thousand +things, putting one out of the question, in order to make Blanche +happy; but nothing was equal to the sweet caresses of the page. +However, she had one day the child so much desired. You may be sure +that was a fine festival for the good cuckold, for the resemblance to +the father was distinctly engraved upon the face of this sweet fruit +of love. Blanche consoled herself greatly, and picked up again a +little of her old gaiety and flower of innocence, which rejoiced the +aged hours of the seneschal. From constantly seeing the little one run +about, watching its laughs answer those of the countess, he finished +by loving it, and would have been in a great rage with anyone who had +not believed him its father. + +Now as the adventure of Blanche and her page had not been carried +beyond the castle, it was related throughout Touraine that Messire +Bruyn had still found himself sufficiently in funds to afford a child. +Intact remained the virtue of Blanche, and by the quintessence of +instruction drawn by her from the natural reservoir of women, she +recognised how necessary it was to be silent concerning the venial sin +with which her child was covered. So she became modest and good, and +was cited as a virtuous person. And then to make use of him she +experimented on the goodness of her good man, and without giving him +leave to go further than her chin, since she looked upon herself as +belonging to Rene, Blanche, in return for the flowers of age which +Bruyn offered her, coddled him, smiled upon him, kept him merry, and +fondled him with pretty ways and tricks, which good wives bestow upon +the husbands they deceive; and all so well, that the seneschal did not +wish to die, squatted comfortably in his chair, and the more he lived +the more he became partial to life. But to be brief, one night he died +without knowing where he was going, for he said to Blanche, "Ho! ho! +My dear, I see thee no longer! Is it night?" + +It was the death of the just, and he had well merited it as a reward +for his labours in the Holy Land. + +Blanche held for his death a great and true mourning, weeping for him +as one weeps for one's father. She remained melancholy, without +wishing to lend her ear to the music of a second wedding, for which +she was praised by all good people, who knew not that she had a +husband in her heart, a life in hope; but she was the greater part of +her time a widow in fact and widow in heart, because hearing no news +of her lover at the Crusades, the poor Countess reputed him dead, and +during certain nights seeing him wounded and lying at full length, she +would wake up in tears. She lived thus for fourteen years in the +remembrance of one day of happiness. Finally, one day when she had +with her certain ladies of Touraine, and they were talking together +after dinner, behold her little boy, who was at that time about +thirteen and a half, and resembled Rene more than it is allowable for +a child to resemble his father, and had nothing of the Sire Bruyn +about him but his name--behold the little one, a madcap and pretty +like his mother, who came in from the garden, running, perspiring, +panting, jumping, scattering all things in his way, after the uses and +customs of infancy, and who ran straight to his well-beloved mother, +jumping into her lap, and interrupting the conversation, cried out-- + +"Oh, mother I want to speak to you, I have seen in the courtyard a +pilgrim, who squeezed me very tight." + +"Ah!" cried the chatelaine, hurrying towards one of the servants who +had charge of the young count and watched over his precious days, "I +have forbidden you ever to leave my son in the hands of strangers, not +even in those of the holiest man in the world. You quit my service." + +"Alas! my lady," replied the old equerry, quite overcome, "this one +wished him no harm for he wept while kissing him passionately." + +"He wept?" said she; "ah! it's the father." + +Having said which, she leaned her head of upon the chair in which she +was sitting, and which you may be sure was the chair in which she has +sinned. + +Hearing these strange words the ladies was so surprised that at first +they did not perceive that the seneschal's widow was dead, without its +ever been known if her sudden death was caused by her sorrow at the +departure of her lover, who, faithful to his vow, did not wish to see +her, or from great joy at his return and the hope of getting the +interdict removed which the Abbot of Marmoustiers had placed upon +their loves. And there was a great mourning for her, for the Sire de +Jallanges lost his spirits when he saw his lady laid in the ground, +and became a monk of Marmoustiers, which at that time was called by +some Maimoustier, as much as to say Maius Monasterium, the largest +monastery, and it was indeed the finest in all France. + + + +THE KING'S SWEETHEART + +There lived at this time at the forges of the Pont-aux-Change, a +goldsmith whose daughter was talked about in Paris on account of her +great beauty, and renowned above all things for her exceeding +gracefulness. There were those who sought her favours by the usual +tricks of love and, but others offered large sums of money to the +father to give them his daughter in lawful wedlock, the which pleased +him not a little. + +One of his neighbours, a parliamentary advocate, who by selling his +cunning devices to the public had acquired as many lands as a dog has +fleas, took it into his head to offer the said father a domain in +consideration of his consent to this marriage, which he ardently +desired to undertake. To this arrangement our goldsmith was nothing +loth. He bargained away his daughter, without taking into +consideration the fact that her patched-up old suitor had the features +of an ape and had scarcely a tooth in his jaws. The smell which +emanated from his mouth did not however disturb his own nostrils, +although he was filthy and high flavoured, as are all those who pass +their lives amid the smoke of chimneys, yellow parchment, and other +black proceedings. Immediately this sweet girl saw him she exclaimed, +"Great Heaven! I would rather not have him." + +"That concerns me not," said the father, who had taken a violent fancy +to the proffered domain. "I give him to you for a husband. You must +get on as well as you can together. That is his business now, and his +duty is to make himself agreeable to you." + +"Is it so?" said she. "Well then, before I obey your orders I'll let +him know what he may expect." + +And the same evening, after supper, when the love-sick man of law was +pleading his cause, telling her he was mad for her, and promising her +a life of ease and luxury, she taking him up, quickly remarked-- + +"My father had sold me to you, but if you take me, you will make a bad +bargain, seeing that I would rather offer myself to the passers-by +than to you. I promise you a disloyalty that will only finish with +death--yours or mine." + +Then she began to weep, like all young maidens will before they become +experienced, for afterwards they never cry with their eyes. The good +advocate took this strange behaviour for one of those artifices by +which the women seek to fan the flames of love and turn the devotion +of their admirers into the more tender caress and more daring +osculation that speaks a husband's right. So that the knave took +little notice of it, but laughing at the complaints of the charming +creature, asked her to fix the day. + +"To-morrow," replied she, "for the sooner this odious marriage takes +place, the sooner I shall be free to have gallants and to lead the gay +life of those who love where it pleases them." + +Thereupon the foolish fellow--as firmly fixed as a fly in a glue pot +--went away, made his preparations, spoke at the Palace, ran to the +High Court, bought dispensations, and conducted his purchase more +quickly than he ever done one before, thinking only of the lovely girl. +Meanwhile the king, who had just returned from a journey, heard +nothing spoken of at court but the marvellous beauty of the jeweller's +daughter who had refused a thousand crowns from this one, snubbed that +one; in fact, would yield to no one, but turned up her nose at the +finest young men of the city, gentlemen who would have forfeited their +seat in paradise only to possess one day, this little dragon of +virtue. + +The good king, was a judge of such game, strolled into the town, past +the forges, and entered the goldsmith's shop, for the purpose of +buying jewels for the lady of his heart, but at the same time to +bargain for the most precious jewel in the shop. The king not taking a +fancy to the jewels, or they not being to his taste, the good man +looked in a secret drawer for a big white diamond. + +"Sweetheart," said he, to the daughter, while her father's nose was +buried in the drawer, "sweetheart, you were not made to sell precious +stones, but to receive them, and if you were to give me all the little +rings in the place to choose from, I know one that many here are mad +for; that pleases me; to which I should ever be subject and servant; +and whose price the whole kingdom of France could never pay." + +"Ah! sire!" replied the maid, "I shall be married to-morrow, but if +you will lend me the dagger that is in your belt, I will defend my +honour, and you shall take it, that the gospel made be observed +wherein it says, '_Render unto Caesar the things which be +Caesar's' . . ._" + +Immediately the king gave her the little dagger, and her brave reply +rendered him so amorous that he lost his appetite. He had an apartment +prepared, intending to lodge his new lady-love in the Rue a +l'Hirundelle, in one of his palaces. + +And now behold my advocate, in a great hurry to get married, to the +disgust of his rivals, the leading his bride to the altar to the clang +of bells and the sound of music, so timed as to provoke the qualms of +diarrhoea. In the evening, after the ball, comes he into the nuptial +chamber, where should be reposing his lovely bride. No longer is she a +lovely bride--but a fury--a wild she-devil, who, seated in an +armchair, refuses her share of her lord's couch, and sits defiantly +before the fire warming at the same time her ire and her calves. The +good husband, quite astonished, kneels down gently before her, +inviting her to the first passage of arms in that charming battle +which heralds a first night of love; but she utters not a word, and +when he tries to raise her garment, only just to glance at the charms +that have cost him so dear, she gives him a slap that makes his bones +rattle, and refuses to utter a syllable. + +This amusement, however, by no means displeased our friend the +advocate, who saw at the end of his troubles that which you can as +well imagine as he did; so played he his share of the game manfully, +taking cheerfully the punishment bestowed upon him. By so much +hustling about, scuffling, and struggling he managed at last to tear +away a sleeve, to slit a petticoat, until he was able to place his +hand upon his own property. This bold endeavour brought Madame to her +feet and drawing the king's dagger, "What would you with me?" she +cried. + +"Everything," answered he. + +"Ha! I should be a great fool to give myself against my inclination! +If you fancied you would find my virtue unarmed you made a great +error. Behold the poniard of the king, with which I will kill you if +you make the semblance of a step towards me." + +So saying, she took a cinder, and having still her eyes upon her lord +she drew a circle on the floor, adding, "These are the confines of the +king's domain. Beware how you pass them." + +The advocate, with whose ideas of love-making the dagger sadly +interfered, stood quite discomfited, but at the same time he heard the +cruel speech of his tormentor he caught sight through the slits and +tears in her robe of a sweet sample of a plump white thigh, and such +voluptuous specimens of hidden mysteries, et cetera, that death seemed +sweet to him if he could only taste of them a little. So that he +rushed within the domain of the king, saying, "I mind not death." In +fact he came with such force that his charmer fell backwards onto the +bed, but keeping her presence of mind she defended herself so +gallantly that the advocate enjoyed no further advantage than a knock +at the door that would not admit him, and he gained as well a little +stab from the poniard which did not wound him deeply, so that it did +not cost him very dearly, his attack upon the realm of his sovereign. +But maddened with this slight advantage, he cried, "I cannot live +without the possession of that lovely body, and those marvels of love. +Kill me then!" And again he attacked the royal preserves. The young +beauty, whose head was full of the king, was not even touched by this +great love, said gravely, "If you menace me further, it is not you but +myself I will kill." She glared at him so savagely that the poor man +was quite terrified, and commenced to deplore the evil hour in which +he had taken her to wife, and thus the night which should have been so +joyous, was passed in tears, lamentations, prayers, and ejaculations. +In vain he tempted her with promises; she should eat out of gold, she +should be a great lady, he would buy houses and lands for her. Oh! if +she would only let him break one lance with her in the sweet conflict +of love, he would leave her for ever and pass the remainder of his +life according to her fantasy. But she, still unyielding, said she +would permit him to die, and that was the only thing he could do to +please her. + +"I have not deceived you," said she. "Agreeable to my promise, I shall +give myself to the king, making you a present of the peddler, chance +passers, and street loungers with whom I threatened you." + +When the day broke she put on her wedding garments and waited +patiently till the poor husband had to depart to his office client's +business, and then ran out into the town to seek the king. But she had +not gone a bow-shot from the house before one of the king's servants +who had watched the house from dawn, stopped her with the question-- + +"Do you seek the king?" + +"Yes," said she. + +"Good; then allow me to be your good friend," said the subtle +courtier. "I ask your aid and protection, as now I give you mine." + +With that he told her what sort of a man the king was, which was his +weak side, that he was passionate one day and silent the next, that +she would luxuriously lodged and well kept, but that she must keep the +king well in hand; in short, he chatted so pleasantly that the time +passed quickly until she found herself in the Hotel de l'Hirundelle +where afterwards lived Madame d'Estampes. The poor husband shed +scalding tears, when he found his little bird had flown, and became +melancholy and pensive. His friends and neighbours edified his ears +with as many taunts and jeers as Saint Jacques had the honour of +receiving in Compostella, but the poor fellow took it so to heart, +that at last they tried rather to assuage his grief. These artful +compeers by a species of legal chicanery, decreed that the good man +was not a cuckold, seeing that his wife had refused a consummation, +and if the planter of horns had been anyone but the king, the said +marriage might have been dissolved; but the amorous spouse was +wretched unto death at my lady's trick. However, he left her to the +king, determining one day to have her to himself, and thinking that a +life-long shame would not be too dear a payment for a night with her. +One must love well to love like that, eh? and there are many worldly +ones, who mock at such affection. But he, still thinking of her, +neglected his cases and his clients, his robberies and everything. He +went to the palace like a miser searching for a lost sixpence, bowed +down, melancholy, and absent-minded, so much so, that one day he +relieved himself against the robe of a counsellor, believing all the +while he stood against a wall. Meanwhile the beautiful girl was loved +night and day by the king, who could not tear himself from her +embraces, because in amorous play she was so excellent, knowing as +well how to fan the flame of love as to extinguish it--to-day snubbing +him, to-morrow petting him, never the same, and with it a thousand +little tricks to charm the ardent lover. + +A lord of Bridore killed himself through her, because she would not +receive his embraces, although he offered her his land, Bridore in +Touraine. Of these gallants of Touraine, who gave an estate for one +tilt with love's lance, there are none left. This death made the fair +one sad, and since her confessor laid the blame of it upon her, she +determined for the future to accept all domains and secretly ease +their owner's amorous pains for the better saving of their souls from +perdition. 'Twas thus she commenced to build up that great fortune +which made her a person of consideration in the town. By this means +she prevented many gallant gentlemen from perishing, playing her game +so well, and inventing such fine stories, that his Majesty little +guessed how much she aided him in securing the happiness of his +subjects. The fact is, she has such a hold over him that she could +have made him believe the floor was the ceiling, which was perhaps +easier for him to think than anyone else seeing that at the Rue +d'Hirundelle my lord king passed the greater portion of his time +embracing her always as though he would see if such a lovely article +would wear away: but he wore himself out first, poor man, seeing that +he eventually died from excess of love. Although she took care to +grant her favours only to the best and noblest in the court, and that +such occasions were rare as miracles, there were not wanting those +among her enemies and rivals who declared that for 10,000 crowns a +simple gentleman might taste the pleasures of his sovereign, which was +false above all falseness, for when her lord taxed her with it, did +she not reply, "Abominable wretches! Curse the devils who put this +idea in your head! I never yet did have man who spent less than 30,000 +crowns upon me." + +The king, although vexed could not repress a smile, and kept her on a +month to silence scandal. And last, la demoiselle de Pisseleu, anxious +to obtain her place, brought about her ruin. Many would have liked to +be ruined in the same way, seeing she was taken by a young lord, was +happy with him, the fires of love in her being still unquenched. But +to take up the thread again. One day that the king's sweetheart was +passing through the town in her litter to buy laces, furs, velvets, +broideries, and other ammunition, and so charmingly attired, and +looking so lovely, that anyone, especially the clerks, would have +believed the heavens were open above them, behold, her good man, who +comes upon her near the old cross. She, at that time lazily swinging +her charming little foot over the side of the litter, drew in her head +as though she had seen an adder. She was a good wife, for I know some +who would have proudly passed their husbands, to their shame and to +the great disrespect of conjugal rights. + +"What is the matter?" asked one M. de Lannoy, who humbly accompanied +her. + +"Nothing," she whispered; "but that person is my husband. Poor man, +how changed he looks. Formerly he was the picture of a monkey; today +he is the very image of a Job." + +The poor advocate stood opened-mouthed. His heart beat rapidly at the +sight of that little foot--of that wife so wildly loved. + +Observing which, the Sire de Lannoy said to him, with courtly +innocence-- + +"If you are her husband, is that any reason you should stop her +passage?" + +At this she burst out laughing, and the good husband instead of +killing her bravely, shed scalding tears at that laugh which pierced +his heart, his soul, his everything, so much that he nearly tumbled +over an old citizen whom the sight of the king's sweetheart had driven +against the wall. The aspect of this weak flower, which had been his +in the bud, but far from him had spread its lovely leaves; of the +fairy figure, the voluptuous bust--all this made the poor advocate +more wretched and more mad for her than it is possible to express in +words. You must have been madly in love with a woman who refuses your +advances thoroughly to understand the agony of this unhappy man. Rare +indeed is it to be so infatuated as he was. He swore that life, +fortune, honour--all might go, but that for once at least he would be +flesh-to-flesh with her, and make so grand a repast off her dainty +body as would suffice him all his life. He passed the night saying, +"oh yes; ah! I'll have her!" and "Curses am I not her husband?" and +"Devil take me," striking himself on the forehead and tossing about. +There are chances and occasions which occur so opportunely in this +world that little-minded men refuse them credence, saying they are +supernatural, but men of high intellect know them to be true because +they could not be invented. One of the chances came to the poor +advocate, even the day after that terrible one which had been so sore +a trial to him. One of his clients, a man of good renown, who had his +audiences with the king, came one morning to the advocate, saying that +he required immediately a large sum of money, about 12,000 crowns. To +which the artful fellow replied, 12,000 crowns were not so often met +at the corner of a street as that which often is seen at the corner of +the street; that besides the sureties and guarantees of interest, it +was necessary to find a man who had about him 12,000 crowns, and that +those gentlemen were not numerous in Paris, big city as it was, and +various other things of a like character the man of cunning remarked. + +"Is it true, my lord, the you have a hungry and relentless creditor?" +said he. + +"Yes, yes," replied the other, "it concerns the mistress of the king. +Don't breathe a syllable; but this evening, in consideration of 20,000 +crowns and my domain of Brie, I shall take her measure." + +Upon this the advocate blanched, and the courtier perceived he touched +a tender point. As he had only lately returned from the wars, he did +not know that the lovely woman adored by the king had a husband. + +"You appear ill," he said. + +"I have a fever," replied the knave. "But is it to her that you give +the contract and the money?" + +"Yes." + +"Who then manages the bargain? Is it she also?" + +"No," said the noble; "her little arrangements are concluded through a +servant of hers, the cleverest little ladies'-maid that ever was. +She's sharper than mustard, and these nights stolen from the king have +lined her pockets well." + +"I know a Lombard who would accommodate you. But nothing can be done; +of the 12,000 crowns you shall not have a brass farthing if this same +ladies'-maid does not come here to take the price of the article that +is so great an alchemist that turns blood into gold, by Heaven!" + +"It will be a good trick to make her sign the receipt," replied the +lord, laughing. + +The servant came faithfully to the rendezvous with the advocate, who +had begged the lord to bring her. The ducats looked bright and +beautiful. There they lay all in a row, like nuns going to vespers. +Spread out upon the table they would have made a donkey smile, even if +he were being gutted alive; so lovely, so splendid, were those brave +noble young piles. The good advocate, however, had prepared this view +for no ass, for the little handmaiden look longingly at the golden +heap, and muttered a prayer at the sight of them. Seeing which, the +husband whispered in her ear his golden words, "These are for you." + +"Ah!" said she; "I have never been so well paid." + +"My dear," replied the dear man, "you shall have them without being +troubled with me;" and turning her round, "Your client has not told +you who I am, eh? No? Learn then, I am the husband of the lady whom +the king has debauched, and whom you serve. Carry her these crowns, +and come back here. I will hand over yours to you on a condition which +will be to your taste." + +The servant did as she was bidden, and being very curious to know how +she could get 12,000 crowns without sleeping with the advocate, was +very soon back again. + +"Now, my little one," said he, "here are 12,000 crowns. With this sum +I could buy lands, men, women, and the conscience of three priests at +least; so that I believe if I give it to you I can have you, body, +soul, and toe nails. And I shall have faith in you like an advocate, I +expect that you will go to the lord who expects to pass the night with +my wife, and you will deceive him, by telling him that the king is +coming to supper with her, and that to-night he must seek his little +amusements elsewhere. By so doing I shall be able to take his place +and the king's." + +"But how?" said she. + +"Oh!" replied he; "I have bought you, you and your tricks. You won't +have to look at these crowns twice without finding me a way to have my +wife. In bringing this conjunction about you commit no sin. It is a +work of piety to bring together two people whose hands only been put +one in to the other, and that by the priest." + +"By my faith, come," said she; "after supper the lights will be put +out, and you can enjoy Madame if you remain silent. Luckily, on these +joyful occasions she cries more than she speaks, and asks questions +with her hands alone, for she is very modest, and does not like loose +jokes, like the ladies of the Court." + +"Oh," cried the advocate, "look, take the 12,000 crowns, and I promise +you twice as much more if I get by fraud that which belongs to me by +right." + +Then he arranged the hour, the door, the signal, and all; and the +servant went away, bearing with her on the back of the mules the +golden treasure wrung by fraud and trickery from the widow and the +orphan, and they were all going to that place where everything +goes--save our lives, which come from it. Now behold my advocate, who +shaves himself, scents himself, goes without onions for dinner that +his breath may be sweet, and does everything to make himself as +presentable as a gallant signor. He gives himself the airs of a young +dandy, tries to be lithe and frisky and to disguise his ugly face; he +might try all he knew, he always smelt of the musty lawyer. He was not +so clever as the pretty washerwoman of Portillon who one day wishing +to appear at her best before one of her lovers, got rid of a +disagreeable odour in a manner well known to young women of an +inventive turn of mind. But our crafty fellow fancied himself the +nicest man in the world, although in spite of his drugs and perfumes +he was really the nastiest. He dressed himself in his thinnest clothes +although the cold pinched him like a rope collar and sallied forth, +quickly gaining the Rue d'Hirundelle. There he had to wait some time. +But just as he was beginning to think he had been made a fool of, and +just as it was quite dark, the maid came down and opened alike the +door to him and good husband slipped gleefully into the king's +apartment. The girl locked him carefully in a cupboard that was close +to his wife's bed, and through a crack he feasted his eyes upon her +beauty, for she undressed herself before the fire, and put on a thin +nightgown, through which her charms were plainly visible. Believing +herself alone with her maid she made those little jokes that women +will when undressing. "Am I not worth 20,000 crowns to-night? Is that +overpaid with a castle in Brie?" + +And saying this she gently raised two white supports, firm as rocks, +which had well sustained many assaults, seeing they had been furiously +attacked and had not softened. "My shoulders alone are worth a +kingdom; no king could make their equal. But I am tired of this life. +That which is hard work is no pleasure." The little maid smiled, and +her lovely mistress said to her, "I should like to see you in my +place." Then the maid laughed, saying-- + +"Be quiet, Madame, he is there." + +"Who?" + +"Your husband." + +"Which?" + +"The real one." + +"Chut!" said Madame. + +And her maid told her the whole story, wishing to keep her favour and +the 12,000 crowns as well. + +"Oh well, he shall have his money's worth. I'll give his desires time +to cool. If he tastes me may I lose my beauty and become as ugly as a +monkey's baby. You get into bed in my place and thus gain the 12,000 +crowns. Go and tell him that he must take himself off early in the +morning in order that I may not find out your trick upon me, and just +before dawn I will get in by his side." + +The poor husband was freezing and his teeth were chattering, and the +chambermaid coming to the cupboard on pretence of getting some linen, +said to him, "Your hour of bliss approaches. Madame to-night has made +grand preparations and you will be well served. But work without +whistling, otherwise I shall be lost." + +At last, when the good husband was on the point of perishing with +cold, the lights were put out. The maid cried softly in the curtains +to the king's sweetheart, that his lordship was there, and jumped into +bed, while her mistress went out as if she had been the chambermaid. +The advocate, released from his cold hiding-place, rolled rapturously +into the warm sheets, thinking to himself, "Oh! this is good!" To tell +the truth, the maid gave him his money's worth--and the good man +thought of the difference between the profusion of the royal houses +and the niggardly ways of the citizens' wives. The servant laughing, +played her part marvellously well, regaling the knave with gentle +cries, shiverings, convulsions and tossings about, like a newly-caught +fish on the grass, giving little Ah! Ahs! in default of other words; +and as often as the request was made by her, so often was it complied +with by the advocate, who dropped of to sleep at last, like an empty +pocket. But before finishing, the lover who wished to preserve a +souvenir of this sweet night of love, by a dextrous turn, plucked out +one of his wife's hairs, where from I know not, seeing I was not +there, and kept in his hand this precious gauge of the warm virtue of +that lovely creature. Towards the morning, when the cock crew, the +wife slipped in beside her husband, and pretended to sleep. Then the +maid tapped gently on the happy man's forehead, whispering in his ear, +"It is time, get into your clothes and off you go--it's daylight." The +good man grieved to lose his treasure, and wished to see the source of +his vanished happiness. + +"Oh! Oh!" said he, proceeding to compare certain things, "I've got +light hair, and this is dark." + +"What have you done?" said the servant; "Madame will see she has been +duped." + +"But look." + +"Ah!" said she, with an air of disdain, "do you not know, you who +knows everything, that that which is plucked dies and discolours?" and +thereupon roaring with laughter at the good joke, she pushed him out +of doors. This became known. The poor advocate, named Feron, died of +shame, seeing that he was the only one who had not his own wife while +she, who was from this was called La Belle Feroniere, married, after +leaving the king, a young lord, Count of Buzancois. And in her old +days she would relate the story, laughingly adding, that she had never +scented the knave's flavour. + +This teaches us not to attach ourselves more than we can help to wives +who refuse to support our yoke. + + + + THE DEVIL'S HEIR + +There once was a good old canon of Notre Dame de Paris, who lived in a +fine house of his own, near St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs, in the Parvis. This +canon had come a simple priest to Paris, naked as a dagger without its +sheath. But since he was found to be a handsome man, well furnished +with everything, and so well constituted, that if necessary he was +able to do the work of many, without doing himself much harm, he gave +himself up earnestly to the confessing of ladies, giving to the +melancholy a gentle absolution, to the sick a drachm of his balm, to +all some little dainty. He was so well known for his discretion, his +benevolence, and other ecclesiastical qualities, that he had customers +at Court. Then in order not to awaken the jealousy of the officials, +that of the husbands and others, in short, to endow with sanctity +these good and profitable practices, the Lady Desquerdes gave him a +bone of St. Victor, by virtue of which all the miracles were +performed. And to the curious it was said, "He has a bone which will +cure everything;" and to this, no one found anything to reply, because +it was not seemly to suspect relics. Beneath the shade of his cassock, +the good priest had the best of reputations, that of a man valiant +under arms. So he lived like a king. He made money with holy water; +sprinkled it and transmitted the holy water into good wine. More than +that, his name lay snugly in all the et ceteras of the notaries, in +wills or in caudicils, which certain people have falsely written +_codicil_, seeing that the word is derived from cauda, as if to say the +tail of the legacy. In fact, the good old Long Skirts would have been +made an archbishop if he had only said in joke, "I should like to put +on a mitre for a handkerchief in order to have my head warmer." Of all +the benefices offered to him, he chose only a simple canon's stall to +keep the good profits of the confessional. But one day the courageous +canon found himself weak in the back, seeing that he was all +sixty-eight years old, and had held many confessionals. Then thinking +over all his good works, he thought it about time to cease his +apostolic labours, the more so, as he possessed about one hundred +thousand crowns earned by the sweat of his body. From that day he only +confessed ladies of high lineage, and did it very well. So that it was +said at Court that in spite of the efforts of the best young clerks +there was still no one but the Canon of St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs to +properly bleach the soul of a lady of condition. Then at length the +canon became by force of nature a fine nonagenarian, snowy about the +head, with trembling hands, but square as a tower, having spat so much +without coughing, that he coughed now without being able to spit; no +longer rising from his chair, he who had so often risen for humanity; +but drinking dry, eating heartily, saying nothing, but having all the +appearance of a living Canon of Notre Dame. Seeing the immobility of +the aforesaid canon; seeing the stories of his evil life which for +some time had circulated among the common people, always ignorant; +seeing his dumb seclusion, his flourishing health, his young old age, +and other things too numerous to mention--there were certain people +who to do the marvellous and injure our holy religion, went about +saying that the true canon was long since dead, and that for more than +fifty years the devil had taken possession of the old priest's body. +In fact, it seemed to his former customers that the devil could only +by his great heat have furnished these hermetic distillations, that +they remembered to have obtained on demand from this good confessor, +who always had le diable au corps. But as this devil had been +undoubtedly cooked and ruined by them, and that for a queen of twenty +years he would not have moved, well-disposed people and those not +wanting in sense, or the citizens who argued about everything, people +who found lice in bald heads, demanded why the devil rested under the +form of a canon, went to the Church of Notre Dame at the hours when +the canons usually go, and ventured so far as to sniff the perfume of +the incense, taste the holy water, and a thousand other things. To +these heretical propositions some said that doubtless the devil wished +to convert himself, and others that he remained in the shape of the +canon to mock at the three nephews and heirs of this said brave +confessor and make them wait until the day of their own death for the +ample succession of this uncle, to whom they paid great attention +every day, going to look if the good man had his eyes open, and in +fact found him always with his eye clear, bright, and piercing as the +eye of a basilisk, which pleased them greatly, since they loved their +uncle very much--in words. On this subject an old woman related that +for certain the canon was the devil, because his two nephews, the +procureur and the captain, conducting their uncle at night, without a +lamp, or lantern, returning from a supper at the penitentiary's, had +caused him by accident to tumble over a heap of stones gathered +together to raise the statue of St. Christopher. At first the old man +had struck fire in falling, but was, amid the cries of his dear +nephews and by the light of the torches they came to seek at her house +found standing up as straight as a skittle and as gay as a weaving +whirl, exclaiming that the good wine of the penitentiary had given him +the courage to sustain this shock and that his bones were exceedingly +hard and had sustained rude assaults. The good nephews believing him +dead, were much astonished, and perceived that the day that was to +dispatch their uncle was a long way off, seeing that at the business +stones were of no use. So that they did not falsely call him their +good uncle, seeing that he was of good quality. Certain scandalmongers +said that the canon found so many stones in his path that he stayed at +home not to be ill with the stone, and the fear of worse was the cause +of his seclusion. + +Of all these sayings and rumours, it remains that the old canon, devil +or not, kept his house, and refused to die, and had three heirs with +whom he lived as with his sciaticas, lumbagos, and other appendage of +human life. Of the said three heirs, one was the wickedest soldier +ever born of a woman, and he must have considerably hurt her in +breaking his egg, since he was born with teeth and bristles. So that +he ate, two-fold, for the present and the future, keeping wenches +whose cost he paid; inheriting from his uncle the continuance, +strength, and good use of that which is often of service. In great +battles, he endeavoured always to give blows without receiving them, +which is, and always will be, the only problem to solve in war, but he +never spared himself there, and, in fact, as he had no other virtue +except his bravery, he was captain of a company of lancers, and much +esteemed by the Duke of Burgoyne, who never troubled what his soldiers +did elsewhere. This nephew of the devil was named Captain Cochegrue; +and his creditors, the blockheads, citizens, and others, whose pockets +he slit, called him the Mau-cinge, since he was as mischievous as +strong; but he had moreover his back spoilt by the natural infirmity +of a hump, and it would have been unwise to attempt to mount thereon +to get a good view, for he would incontestably have run you through. + +The second had studied the laws, and through the favour of his uncle +had become a procureur, and practised at the palace, where he did the +business of the ladies, whom formerly the canon had the best +confessed. This one was called Pille-grue, to banter him upon his real +name, which was Cochegrue, like that of his brother the captain. +Pille-grue had a lean body, seemed to throw off very cold water, was +pale of face, and possessed a physiognomy like a polecat. + +This notwithstanding, he was worth many a penny more than the captain, +and had for his uncle a little affection, but since about two years +his heart had cracked a little, and drop by drop his gratitude had run +out, in such a way that from time to time, when the air was damp, he +liked to put his feet into his uncle's hose, and press in advance the +juice of this good inheritance. He and his brother, the soldier found +their share very small, since loyally, in law, in fact, in justice, in +nature, and in reality, it was necessary to give the third part of +everything to a poor cousin, son of another sister of the canon, the +which heir, but little loved by the good man, remained in the country, +where he was a shepherd, near Nanterre. + +The guardian of beasts, an ordinary peasant, came to town by the +advice of his two cousins, who placed him in their uncle's house, in +the hope that, as much by his silly tricks and his clumsiness, his +want of brain, and his ignorance, he would be displeasing to the +canon, who would kick him out of his will. Now this poor Chiquon, as +the shepherd was named, had lived about a month alone with his old +uncle, and finding more profit or more amusement in minding an abbot +than looking after sheep, made himself the canon's dog, his servant, +the staff of his old age, saying, "God keep you," when he passed wind, +"God save you," when he sneezed, and "God guard you," when he belched; +going to see if it rained, where the cat was, remaining silent, +listening, speaking, receiving the coughs of the old man in his face, +admiring him as the finest canon there ever was in the world, all +heartily and in good faith, knowing that he was licking him after the +manner of animals who clean their young ones; and the uncle, who stood +in no need of learning which side the bread was buttered, repulsed +poor Chiquon, making him turn about like a die, always calling him +Chiquon, and always saying to his other nephews that this Chiquon was +helping to kill him, such a numskull was he. Thereupon, hearing this, +Chiquon determined to do well by his uncle, and puzzled his +understanding to appear better; but as he had a behind shaped like a +pair of pumpkins, was broad shouldered, large limbed, and far from +sharp, he more resembled old Silenus than a gentle Zephyr. In fact, +the poor shepherd, a simple man, could not reform himself, so he +remained big and fat, awaiting his inheritance to make himself thin. + +One evening the canon began discoursing concerning the devil and +the grave agonies, penances, tortures, etc., which God will get warm +for the accursed, and the good Chiquon hearing it, began to open his +eyes as wide as the door of an oven, at the statement, without +believing a word of it. + +"What," said the canon, "are you not a Christian?" + +"In that, yes," answered Chiquon. + +"Well, there is a paradise for the good; is it not necessary to have a +hell for the wicked?" + +"Yes, Mr. Canon; but the devil's of no use. If you had here a wicked +man who turned everything upside down; would you not kick him out of +doors?" + +"Yes, Chiquon." + +"Oh, well, mine uncle; God would be very stupid to leave in the this +world, which he has so curiously constructed, an abominable devil +whose special business it is to spoil everything for him. Pish! I +recognise no devil if there be a good God; you may depend upon that. I +should very much like to see the devil. Ha, ha! I am not afraid of his +claws!" + +"And if I were of your opinion I should have no care of my very +youthful years in which I held confessions at least ten times a day." + +"Confess again, Mr. Canon. I assure you that will be a precious merit +on high." + +"There, there! Do you mean it?" + +"Yes, Mr. Canon." + +"Thou dost not tremble, Chiquon, to deny the devil?" + +"I trouble no more about it than a sheaf of corn." + +"The doctrine will bring misfortune upon you." + +"By no means. God will defend me from the devil because I believe him +more learned and less stupid than the savans make him out." + +Thereupon the two other nephews entered, and perceiving from the voice +of the canon that he did not dislike Chiquon very much, and that the +jeremiads which he had made concerning him were simple tricks to +disguise the affection which he bore him, looked at each other in +great astonishment. + +Then, seeing their uncle laughing, they said to him-- + +"If you will make a will, to whom will you leave the house? + +"To Chiquon." + +"And the quit rent of the Rue St. Denys?" + +"To Chiquon." + +"And the fief of Ville Parisis?" + +"To Chiquon." + +"But," said the captain, with his big voice, "everything then will be +Chiquon's." + +"No," replied the canon, smiling, "because I shall have made my will +in proper form, the inheritance will be to the sharpest of you three; +I am so near to the future, that I can therein see clearly your +destinies." + +And the wily canon cast upon Chiquon a glance full of malice, like a +decoy bird would have thrown upon a little one to draw him into her +net. The fire of his flaming eye enlightened the shepherd, who from +that moment had his understanding and his ears all unfogged, and his +brain open, like that of a maiden the day after her marriage. The +procureur and the captain, taking these sayings for gospel prophecies, +made their bow and went out from the house, quite perplexed at the +absurd designs of the canon. + +"What do you think of Chiquon?" said Pille-grue to Mau-cinge. + +"I think, I think," said the soldier, growling, "that I think of +hiding myself in the Rue d'Hierusalem, to put his head below his feet; +he can pick it up again if he likes." + +"Oh, oh!" said the procureur, "you have a way of wounding that is +easily recognised, and people would say 'It's Cochegrue.' As for me, I +thought to invite him to dinner, after which, we would play at putting +ourselves in a sack in order to see, as they do at Court, who could +walk best thus attired. Then having sewn him up, we could throw him +into the Seine, at the same time begging him to swim." + +"This must be well matured," replied the soldier. + +"Oh! it's quite ripe," said the advocate. "The cousin gone to the +devil, the heritage would then be between us two." + +"I'm quite agreeable," said the fighter, "but we must stick as close +together as the two legs of the same body, for if you are fine as +silk, I as strong as steel, and daggers are always as good as traps +--you hear that, my good brother." + +"Yes," said the advocate, "the cause is heard--now shall it be the +thread or the iron?" + +"Eh? ventre de Dieu! is it then a king that we are going to settle? +For a simple numskull of a shepherd are so many words necessary? Come! +20,000 francs out of the Heritage to the one of us who shall first cut +him off: I'll say to him in good faith, 'Pick up your head.'" + +"And I, 'Swim my friend,'" cried the advocate, laughing like the gap +of a pourpoint. + +And then they went to supper, the captain to his wench, and the +advocate to the house of a jeweller's wife, of whom he was the lover. + +Who was astonished? Chiquon! The poor shepherd heard the planning of +his death, although the two cousins had walked in the parvis, and +talked to each other as every one speaks at church when praying to +God. So that Chiquon was much coupled to know if the words had come up +or if his ears had gone down. + +"Do you hear, Mister Canon?" + +"Yes," said he, "I hear the wood crackling in the fire." + +"Ho, ho!" replied Chiquon, "if I don't believe in the devil, I believe +in St. Michael, my guardian angel; I go there where he calls me." + +"Go, my child," said the canon, "and take care not to wet yourself, +nor to get your head knocked off, for I think I hear more rain, and +the beggars in the street are not always the most dangerous beggars." + +At these words Chiquon was much astonished, and stared at the canon; +found his manner gay, his eye sharp, and his feet crooked; but as he +had to arrange matters concerning the death which menaced him, he +thought to himself that he would always have leisure to admire the +canon, or to cut his nails, and he trotted off quickly through the +town, as a little woman trots towards her pleasure. + +His two cousins having no presumption of the divinatory science, of +which shepherds have had many passing attacks, had often talked before +him of their secret goings on, counting him as nothing. + +Now one evening, to amuse the canon, Pille-grue had recounted to him +how had fallen in love with him a wife of a jeweller on whose head he +had adjusted certain carved, burnished, sculptured, historical horns, +fit for the brow of a prince. The good lady was to hear him, a right +merry wench, quick at opportunities, giving an embrace while her +husband was mounting the stairs, devouring the commodity as if she was +swallowing a a strawberry, only thinking of love-making, always +trifling and frisky, gay as an honest woman who lacks nothing, +contenting her husband, who cherished her so much as he loved his own +gullet; subtle as a perfume, so much so, that for five years she +managed so well with his household affairs, and her own love affairs, +that she had the reputation of a prudent woman, the confidence of her +husband, the keys of the house, the purse, and all. + +"And when do you play upon this gentle flute?" said the canon. + +"Every evening and sometimes I stay all the night." + +"But how?" said the canon, astonished. + +"This is how. There is a room close to, a chest into which I get. When +the good husband returns from his friend the draper's, where he goes +to supper every evening, because often he helps the draper's wife in +her work, my mistress pleads a slight illness, lets him go to bed +alone, and comes to doctor her malady in the room where the chest is. +On the morrow, when my jeweller is at his forge, I depart, and as the +house has one exit on to the bridge, and another into the street, I +always come to the door when the husband is not, on the pretext of +speaking to him of his suits, which commence joyfully and heartily, +and I never let them come to an end. It is an income from cuckoldom, +seeing that in the minor expenses and loyal costs of the proceedings, +he spends as much as on the horses in his stable. He loves me well, as +all good cuckolds should love the man who aids them, to plant, +cultivate, water and dig the natural garden of Venus, and he does +nothing without me." + +Now these practices came back again to the memory of the shepherd, who +was illuminated by the light issuing from his danger, and counselled +by the intelligence of those measures of self-preservation, of which +every animal possesses a sufficient dose to go to the end of his ball +of life. So Chiquon gained with hasty feet the Rue de la Calandre, +where the jeweller should be supping with his companion, and after +having knocked at the door, replied to question put to him through the +little grill, that he was a messenger on state secrets, and was +admitted to the draper's house. Now coming straight to the fact, he +made the happy jeweller get up from his table, led him to a corner, +and said to him: "If one of your neighbours had planted a horn on your +forehead and he was delivered to you, bound hand and foot, would you +throw him into the river?" + +"Rather," said the jeweller, "but if you are mocking me I'll give you +a good drubbing." + +"There, there!" replied Chiquon, "I am one of your friends and come to +warn you that as many times as you have conversed with the draper's +wife here, as often has your own wife been served the same way by the +advocate Pille-grue, and if you will come back to your forge, you will +find a good fire there. On your arrival, he who looks after your +you-know-what, to keep it in good order, gets into the big clothes +chest. Now make a pretence that I have bought the said chest of you, +and I will be upon the bridge with a cart, waiting your orders." + +The said jeweller took his cloak and his hat, and parted company with +his crony without saying a word, and ran to his hole like a poisoned +rat. He arrives and knocks, the door is opened, he runs hastily up the +stairs, finds two covers laid, sees his wife coming out of the chamber +of love, and then says to her, "My dear, here are two covers laid." + +"Well, my darling are we not two?" + +"No," said he, "we are three." + +"Is your friend coming?" said she, looking towards the stairs with +perfect innocence. + +"No, I speak of the friend who is in the chest." + +"What chest?" said she. "Are you in your sound senses? Where do you +see a chest? Is the usual to put friends in chests? Am I a woman to +keep chests full of friends? How long have friends been kept in +chests? Are you come home mad to mix up your friends with your chests? +I know no other friend then Master Cornille the draper, and no other +chest than the one with our clothes in." + +"Oh!" said the jeweller, "my good woman, there is a bad young man, +who has come to warn me that you allow yourself to be embraced by our +advocate, and that he is in the chest." + +"I!" said she, "I would not put up with his knavery, he does +everything the wrong way." + +"There, there, my dear," replied the jeweller, "I know you to be a +good woman, and won't have a squabble with you about this paltry +chest. The giver of the warning is a box-maker, to whom I am about to +sell this cursed chest that I wish never again to see in my house, and +for this one he will sell me two pretty little ones, in which there +will not be space enough even for a child; thus the scandal and the +babble of those envious of your virtue will be extinguished for want +of nourishment." + +"You give me great pleasure," said she; "I don't attach any value to +my chest, and by chance there is nothing in it. Our linen is at the +wash. It will be easy to have the mischievous chest taken away +tomorrow morning. Will you sup?" + +"Not at all," said he, "I shall sup with a better appetite without the +chest." + +"I see," said she, "that you won't easily get the chest out of your +head." + +"Halloa, there!" said the jeweller to his smiths and apprentices; +"come down!" + +In the twinkling of an eye his people were before him. Then he, their +master, having briefly ordered the handling of the said chest, this +piece of furniture dedicated to love was tumbled across the room, but +in passing the advocate, finding his feet in the air to the which he +was not accustomed, tumbled over a little. + +"Go on," said the wife, "go on, it's the lid shaking." + +"No, my dear, it's the bolt." + +And without any other opposition the chest slid gently down the +stairs. + +"Ho there, carrier!" said the jeweller, and Chiquon came whistling his +mules, and the good apprentices lifted the litigious chest into the +cart. + +"Hi, hi!" said the advocate. + +"Master, the chest is speaking," said an apprentice. + +"In what language?" said the jeweller, giving him a good kick between +two features that luckily were not made of glass. The apprentice +tumbled over on to a stair in a way that induced him to discontinue +his studies in the language of chests. The shepherd, accompanied by +the good jeweller, carried all the baggage to the water-side without +listening to the high eloquence of the speaking wood, and having tied +several stones to it, the jeweller threw it into the Seine. + +"Swim, my friend," cried the shepherd, in a voice sufficiently jeering +at the moment when the chest turned over, giving a pretty little +plunge like a duck. + +Then Chiquon continued to proceed along the quay, as far as the +Rue-du-port, St. Laudry, near the cloisters of Notre Dame. There he +noticed a house, recognised the door, and knocked loudly. + +"Open," said he, "open by order of the king." + +Hearing this an old man who was no other than the famous Lombard, +Versoris, ran to the door. + +"What is it?" said he. + +"I am sent by the provost to warn you to keep good watch tonight," +replied Chiquon, "as for his own part he will keep his archers ready. +The hunchback who has robbed you has come back again. Keep under arms, +for he is quite capable of easing you of the rest." + +Having said this, the good shepherd took to his heels and ran to the +Rue des Marmouzets, to the house where Captain Cochegrue was feasting +with La Pasquerette, the prettiest of town-girls, and the most +charming in perversity that ever was; according to all the gay ladies, +her glance was sharp and piercing as the stab of a dagger. Her +appearance was so tickling to the sight, that it would have put all +Paradise to rout. Besides which she was as bold as a woman who has no +other virtue than her insolence. Poor Chiquon was greatly embarrassed +while going to the quarter of the Marmouzets. He was greatly afraid +that he would be unable to find the house of La Pasquerette, or find +the two pigeons gone to roost, but a good angel arranged there +speedily to his satisfaction. This is how. On entering the Rue des +Marmouzets he saw several lights at the windows and night-capped heads +thrust out, and good wenches, gay girls, housewives, husbands, and +young ladies, all of them are just out of bed, looking at each other +as if a robber were being led to execution by torchlight. + +"What's the matter?" said the shepherd to a citizen who in great haste +had rushed to the door with a chamber utensil in his hand. + +"Oh! it's nothing," replied the good man. "We thought it was the +Armagnacs descending upon the town, but it's only Mau-cinge beating La +Pasquerette." + +"Where?" asked the shepherd. + +"Below there, at that fine house where the pillars have the mouths of +flying frogs delicately carved upon them. Do you hear the varlets and +the serving maids?" + +And in fact there was nothing but cries of "Murder! Help! Come some +one!" and in the house blows raining down and the Mau-cinge said with +his gruff voice: + +"Death to the wench! Ah, you sing out now, do you? Ah, you want your +money now, do you? Take that--" + +And La Pasquerette was groaning, "Oh! oh! I die! Help! Help! Oh! oh!" +Then came the blow of a sword and the heavy fall of a light body of +the fair girl sounded, and was followed by a great silence, after +which the lights were put out, servants, waiting women, roysterers, +and others went in again, and the shepherd who had come opportunely +mounted the stairs in company with them, but on beholding in the room +above broken glasses, slit carpets, and the cloth on the floor with +the dishes, everyone remained at a distance. + +The shepherd, bold as a man with but one end in view, opened the door +of the handsome chamber where slept La Pasquerette, and found her +quite exhausted, her hair dishevelled, and her neck twisted, lying +upon a bloody carpet, and Mau-cinge frightened, with his tone +considerably lower, and not knowing upon what note to sing the +remainder of his anthem. + +"Come, my little Pasquerette, don't pretend to be dead. Come, let me +put you tidy. Ah! little minx, dead or alive, you look so pretty in +your blood I'm going to kiss you." Having said which the cunning +soldier took her and threw her upon the bed, but she fell there all of +a heap, and stiff as the body of a man that had been hanged. Seeing +which her companion found it was time for his hump to retire from the +game; however, the artful fellow before slinking away said, "Poor +Pasquerette, how could I murder so good of girl, and one I loved so +much? But, yes, I have killed her, the thing is clear, for in her life +never did her sweet breast hang down like that. Good God, one would +say it was a crown at the bottom of a wallet. Thereupon Pasquerette +opened her eyes and then bent her head slightly to look at her flesh, +which was white and firm, and she brought herself to life by a box on +the ears, administered to the captain. + +"That will teach you to beware of the dead," said she, smiling. + +"And why did he kill you, my cousin?" asked the shepherd. + +"Why? Tomorrow the bailiffs seize everything that's here, and he who +has no more money than virtue, reproached me because I wished to be +agreeable to a handsome gentlemen, who would save me from the hands of +justice. + +"Pasquerette, I'll break every bone in your skin." + +"There, there!" said Chiquon, whom the Mau-cinge had just recognised, +"is that all? Oh, well, my good friend, I bring you a large sum." + +"Where from?" asked the captain, astonished. + +"Come here, and let me whisper in your ear--if 30,000 crowns were +walking about at night under the shadow of a pear-tree, would you not +stoop down to pluck them, to prevent them spoiling?" + +"Chiquon, I'll kill you like a dog if you are making game of me, or I +will kiss you there where you like it, if you will put me opposite +30,000 crowns, even when it shall be necessary to kill three citizens +at the corner of the Quay." + +"You will not even kill one. This is how the matter stands. I have for +a sweetheart in all loyalty, the servant of the Lombard who is in the +city near the house of our good uncle. Now I have just learned on +sound information that this dear man has departed this morning into +the country after having hidden under a pear-tree in his garden a good +bushel of gold, believing himself to be seen only by the angels. But +the girl who had by chance a bad toothache, and was taking the air at +her garret window, spied the old crookshanks, without wishing to do +so, and chattered of it to me in fondness. If you will swear to give +me a good share I will lend you my shoulders in order that you may +climb on to the top of the wall and from there throw yourself into the +pear-tree, which is against the wall. There, now do you say that I am +a blockhead, an animal?" + +"No, you are a right loyal cousin, an honest man, and if you have ever +to put an enemy out off the way, I am there, ready to kill even one of +my own friends for you. I am no longer your cousin, but your brother. +Ho there! sweetheart," cried Mau-cinge to La Pasquerette, "put the +tables straight, wipe up your blood, it belongs to me, and I'll pay +you for it by giving you a hundred times as much of mine as I have +taken of thine. Make the best of it, shake the black dog, off your +back, adjust your petticoats, laugh, I wish it, look to the stew, and +let us recommence our evening prayer where we left it off. Tomorrow +I'll make thee braver than a queen. This is my cousin whom I wish to +entertain, even when to do so it were necessary to turn the house out +of windows. We shall get back everything tomorrow in the cellars. +Come, fall to!" + +Thus, and in less time than it takes a priest to say his Dominus +vobiscum, the whole rookery passed from tears to laughter as it had +previously from laughter to tears. It is only in these houses of +ill-fame that love is made with the blow of a dagger, and where +tempests of joy rage between four walls. But these are things ladies +of the high-neck dress do not understand. + +The said captain Cochegrue was gay as a hundred schoolboys at the +breaking up of class, and made his good cousin drink deeply, who +spilled everything country fashion, and pretended to be drunk, +spluttering out a hundred stupidities, as, that "tomorrow he would buy +Paris, would lend a hundred thousand crowns to the king, that he would +be able to roll in gold;" in fact, talked so much nonsense that the +captain, fearing some compromising avowal and thinking his brain quite +muddled enough, led him outside with the good intention, instead of +sharing with him, of ripping Chiquon open to see if he had not a +sponge in his stomach, because he had just soaked in a big quart of +the good wine of Suresne. They went along, disputing about a thousand +theological subjects which got very much mixed up, and finished by +rolling quietly up against the garden where were the crowns of the +Lombard. Then Cochegrue, making a ladder of Chiquon's broad shoulders, +jumped on to the pear-tree like a man expert in attacks upon towns, +but Versoris, who was watching him, made a blow at his neck, and +repeated it so vigorously that with three blows fell the upper portion +of the said Cochegrue, but not until he had heard the clear voice of +the shepherd, who cried to him, "Pick up your head, my friend." +Thereupon the generous Chiquon, in whom virtue received its +recompense, thought it would be wise to return to the house of the +good canon, whose heritage was by the grace of God considerably +simplified. Thus he gained the Rue St. Pierre-Aux-Boeufs with all +speed, and soon slept like a new-born baby, no longer knowing the +meaning of the word "cousin-german." Now, on the morrow he rose +according to the habit of shepherds, with the sun, and came into his +uncle's room to inquire if he spat white, if he coughed, if he had +slept well; but the old servant told him that the canon, hearing the +bells of St Maurice, the first patron of Notre Dame, ring for matins, +he had gone out of reverence to the cathedral, where all the Chapter +were to breakfast with the Bishop of Paris; upon which Chiquon +replied: "Is his reverence the canon out of his senses thus to disport +himself, to catch a cold, to get rheumatism? Does he wish to die? I'll +light a big fire to warm him when he returns;" and the good shepherd +ran into the room where the canon generally sat, and to his great +astonishment beheld him seated in his chair. + +"Ah, ah! What did she mean, that fool of a Bruyette? I knew you were +too well advised to be shivering at this hour in your stall." + +The canon said not a word. The shepherd who was like all thinkers, a +man of hidden sense, was quite aware that sometimes old men have +strange crotchets, converse with the essence of occult things, and +mumble to themselves discourses concerning matters not under +consideration; so that, from reverence and great respect for the +secret meditations of the canon, he went and sat down at a distance, +and waited the termination of these dreams; noticing, silently the +length of the good man's nails, which looked like cobbler's awls, and +looking attentively at the feet of his uncle, he was astonished to see +the flesh of his legs so crimson, that it reddened his breeches and +seemed all on fire through his hose. + +He is dead, thought Chiquon. At this moment the door of the room +opened, and he still saw the canon, who, his nose frozen, came back +from church. + +"Ho, ho!" said Chiquon, "my dear Uncle, are you out of your senses? +Kindly take notice that you ought not to be at the door, because you +are already seated in your chair in the chimney corner, and that it is +impossible for there to be two canons like you in the world." + +"Ah! Chiquon, there was a time when I could have wished to be in two +places at once, but such is not the fate of a man, he would be too +happy. Are you getting dim-sighted? I am alone here." + +Then Chiquon turned his head towards the chair, and found it empty; +and much astonished, as you will easily believe, he approached it, and +found on the seat a little pat of cinders, from which ascended a +strong odour of sulphur. + +"Ah!" said he merrily, "I perceive that the devil has behaved well +towards me--I will pray God for him." + +And thereupon he related naively to the canon how the devil had amused +himself by playing at providence, and had loyally aided him to get rid +of his wicked cousins, the which the canon admired much, and thought +very good, seeing that he had plenty of good sense left, and often had +observed things which were to the devil's advantage. So the good old +priest remarked that 'as much good was always met with in evil as evil +in good, and that therefore one should not trouble too much after the +other world, the which was a grave heresy, which many councils have +put right'. + +And this was how the Chiquons became rich, and were able in these +times, by the fortunes of their ancestors, to help to build the bridge +of St. Michael, where the devil cuts a very good figure under the +angel, in memory of this adventure now consigned to these veracious +histories. + + + + THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH + +King Louis The Eleventh was a merry fellow, loving a good joke, and +--the interests of his position as king, and those of the church on +one side--he lived jovially, giving chase to soiled doves as often as +to hares, and other royal game. Therefore, the sorry scribblers who +have made him out a hypocrite, showed plainly that they knew him not, +since he was a good friend, good at repartee, and a jollier fellow +than any of them. + +It was he who said when he was in a merry mood, that four things are +excellent and opportune in life--to keep warm, to drink cool, to stand +up hard, and to swallow soft. Certain persons have accused him of +taking up with a dirty trollops; this is a notorious falsehood, since +all his mistresses, of whom one was legitimised, came of good houses +and had notable establishments. He did not go in for waste and +extravagance, always put his hand upon the solid, and because certain +devourers of the people found no crumbs at his table, they have all +maligned him. But the real collector of facts know that the said king +was a capital fellow in private life, and even very agreeable; and +before cutting off the heads of his friends, or punishing them--for he +did not spare them--it was necessary that they should have greatly +offended him, and his vengeance was always justice; I have only seen +in our friend Verville that this worthy sovereign ever made a mistake; +but one does not make a habit, and even for this his boon companion +Tristan was more to blame than he, the king. This is the circumstance +related by the said Verville, and I suspect he was cracking a joke. I +reproduce it because certain people are not familiar with the +exquisite work of my perfect compatriot. I abridge it and only give +the substance, the details being more ample, of which facts the savans +are not ignorant. + +Louis XI. had given the Abbey of Turpenay (mentioned in 'Imperia') to +a gentleman who, enjoying the revenue, had called himself Monsieur de +Turpenay. It happened that the king being at Plessis-les-Tours, the +real abbot, who was a monk, came and presented himself before the +king, and presented also a petition, remonstrating with him that, +canonically and a monastically, he was entitled to the abbey and that +the usurping gentleman wronged of his right, and therefore he called +upon his majesty to have justice done to him. Nodding his peruke, the +king promised to render him contented. This monk, importunate as are +all hooded animals, came often at the end of the king's meals, who, +bored with the holy water of the convent, called friend Tristan and +said to him: "Old fellow, there is here a Turpenay who angers me, rid +the world of him for me." Tristan, taking a frock for a monk, or a +monk for a frock, came to this gentleman, whom all the court called +Monsieur de Turpenay, and having accosted him managed to lead him to +one side, and taking him by the button-hole gave him to understand +that the king desired he should die. He tried to resist, supplicating +and supplicating to escape, but in no way could he obtain a hearing. +He was delicately strangled between the head and shoulders, so that he +expired; and, three hours afterwards, Tristan told the king that he +was discharged. It happened five days afterwards, which is the space +in which souls come back again, that the monk came into the room where +the king was, and when he saw him he was much astonished. Tristan was +present: the king called him, and whispered into his ear-- + +"You have not done that which I told you to." + +"Saving your Grace I have done it. Turpenay is dead." + +"Eh? I meant this monk." + +"I understood the gentleman!" + +"What, is it done then?" + +"Yes, sire," + +"Very well then"--turning towards the monk--"come here, monk." The +monk approached. The king said to him, "Kneel down!" The poor monk +began to shiver in his shoes. But the king said to him, "Thank God +that he has not willed that you should be killed as I had ordered. He +who took your estates has been instead. God has done you justice. Go +and pray God for me, and don't stir out of your convent." + +The proves the good-heartedness of Louis XI. He might very well have +hanged the monk, the cause of the error. As for the said gentleman, he +died in the king's service. + +In the early days of his sojourn at Plessis-les-Tours king Louis, not +wishing to hold his drinking-bouts and give vent to his rakish +propensities in his chateau, out of respect to her Majesty (a kingly +delicacy which his successors have not possessed) became enamoured of +a lady named Nicole Beaupertuys, who was, to tell the truth, wife of a +citizen of the town. The husband he sent into Ponent, and put the said +Nicole in a house near Chardonneret, in that part which is the Rue +Quincangrogne, because it was a lonely place, far from other +habitations. The husband and the wife were thus both in his service, +and he had by La Beaupertuys a daughter, who died a nun. This Nicole +had a tongue as sharp as a popinjay's, was of stately proportions, +furnished with large beautiful cushions of nature, firm to the touch, +white as the wings of an angel, and known for the rest to be fertile +in peripatetic ways, which brought it to pass that never with her was +the same thing encountered twice in love, so deeply had she studied +the sweet solutions of the science, the manners of accommodating the +olives of Poissy, the expansions of the nerves, and hidden doctrines +of the breviary, the which much delighted the king. She was as gay as +a lark, always laughing and singing, and never made anyone miserable, +which is the characteristic of women of this open and free nature, who +have always an occupation--an equivocal one if you like. The king +often went with the hail-fellows his friends to the lady's house, and +in order not to be seen always went at night-time, and without his +suite. But being always distrustful, and fearing some snare, he gave +to Nicole all the most savage dogs he had in his kennels, beggars that +would eat a man without saying "By your leave," the which royal dogs +knew only Nicole and the king. When the Sire came Nicole let them +loose in the garden, and the door of the house being sufficiently +barred and closely shut, the king put the keys in his pocket, and in +perfect security gave himself up, with his satellites, to every kind +of pleasure, fearing no betrayal, jumping about at will, playing +tricks, and getting up good games. Upon these occasions friend Tristan +watched the neighbourhood, and anyone who had taken a walk on the Mall +of Chardonneret would be rather quickly placed in a position in which +it would have been easy to give the passers-by a benediction with his +feet, unless he had the king's pass, since often would Louis send out +in search of lasses for his friends, or people to entertain him with +the amusements suggested by Nicole or the guests. People of Tours were +there for these little amusements, to whom he gently recommended +silence, so that no one knew of these pastimes until after his death. +The farce of "_Baisez mon cul_" was, it is said, invented by the said +Sire. I will relate it, although it is not the subject of this tale, +because it shows the natural comicality and humour of this merry +monarch. They were at Tours three well known misers: the first was +Master Cornelius, who is sufficiently well known; the second was +called Peccard, and sold the gilt-work, coloured papers, and jewels +used in churches; the third was hight Marchandeau, and was a very +wealthy vine-grower. These two men of Touraine were the founders of +good families, notwithstanding their sordidness. One evening that the +king was with Beaupertuys, in a good humour, having drunk heartily, +joked heartily, and offered early in the evening his prayer in +Madame's oratory, he said to Le Daim his crony, to the Cardinal, La +Balue, and to old Dunois, who were still soaking, "Let us have a good +laugh! I think it will be a good joke to see misers before a bag of +gold without being able to touch it. Hi, there!" + +Hearing which, appeared one of his varlets. + +"Go," said he, "seek my treasurer, and let him bring hither six +thousand gold crowns--and at once! And you will go and seize the +bodies of my friend Cornelius, of the jeweller of the Rue de Cygnes, +and of old Marchandeau, and bring them here, by order of the king." + +Then he began to drink again, and to judiciously wrangle as to which +was the better, a woman with a gamy odour or a woman who soaped +herself well all over; a thin one or a stout one; and as the company +comprised the flower of wisdom it was decided that the best was the +one a man had all to himself like a plate of warm mussels, at that +precise moment when God sent him a good idea to communicate to her. +The cardinal asked which was the most precious thing to a lady; the +first or the last kiss? To which La Beaupertuys replied: "that it was +the last, seeing that she knew then what she was losing, while at the +first she did not know what she would gain." During these sayings, and +others which have most unfortunately been lost, came the six thousand +gold crowns, which were worth all three hundred thousand francs of +to-day, so much do we go on decreasing in value every day. The king +ordered the crowns to be arranged upon a table, and well lighted up, +so that they shone like the eyes of the company which lit up +involuntarily, and made them laugh in spite of themselves. They did +not wait long for the three misers, whom the varlet led in, pale and +panting, except Cornelius, who knew the king's strange freaks. + +"Now then, my friends," said Louis to them, "have a good look at the +crowns on the table." + +And the three townsmen nibbled at them with their eyes. You may reckon +that the diamond of La Beaupertuys sparkled less than their little +minnow eyes. + +"These are yours," added the king. + +Thereupon they ceased to admire the crowns to look at each other; and +the guests knew well that old knaves are more expert in grimaces than +any others, because of their physiognomies becoming tolerably curious, +like those of cats lapping up milk, or girls titillated with marriage. + +"There," said the king, "all that shall be his who shall say three +times to the two others, '_Baisez mon cul_', thrusting his hand into the +gold; but if he be not as serious as a fly who had violated his +lady-love, if he smile while repeating the jest, he will pay ten crowns +to Madame. Nevertheless he can essay three times." + +"That will soon be earned," said Cornelius, who, being a Dutchman, had +his lips as often compressed and serious as Madame's mouth was often +open and laughing. Then he bravely put his hands on the crowns to see +if they were good, and clutched them bravely, but as he looked at the +others to say civilly to them, "_Baisez mon cul_," the two misers, +distrustful of his Dutch gravity, replied, "Certainly, sir," as if he +had sneezed. The which caused all the company to laugh, and even +Cornelius himself. When the vine-grower went to take the crowns he +felt such a commotion in his cheeks that his old scummer face let +little laughs exude from its pores like smoke pouring out of a +chimney, and he could say nothing. Then it was the turn of the +jeweller, who was a little bit of a bantering fellow, and whose lips +were as tightly squeezed as the neck of a hanged man. He seized a +handful of the crowns, looked at the others, even the king, and said, +with a jeering air, "_Baisez mon cul_." + +"Is it dirty?" asked the vine-dresser. + +"Look and see," replied the jeweller, gravely. + +Thereupon the king began to tremble for these crowns, since the said +Peccard began again, without laughing, and for the third time was +about to utter the sacramental word, when La Beaupertuys made a sign +of consent to his modest request, which caused him to lose his +countenance, and his mouth broke up into dimples. + +"How did you do it?" asked Dunois, "to keep a grave face before six +thousand crowns?" + +"Oh, my lord, I thought first of one of my cases which is tried +tomorrow, and secondly, of my wife who is a sorry plague." + +The desire to gain this good round sum made them try again, and the +king amused himself for about an hour at the expression of these +faces, the preparations, jokes, grimaces, and other monkey's +paternosters that they performed; but they were bailing their boats +with a sieve, and for men who preferred closing their fists to opening +them it was a bitter sorrow to have to count out, each one, a hundred +crown to Madame. + +When they were gone, and Nicole said boldly to the king, "Sire will +you let me try?" + +"Holy Virgin!" replied Louis; "no! I can kiss you for less money." + +That was said like a thrifty man, which indeed he always was. + +One evening the fat Cardinal La Balue carried on gallantly with words +and actions, a little farther than the canons of the Church permitted +him, with this Beaupertuys, who luckily for herself, was a clever +hussy, not to be asked with impunity how many holes there were in her +mother's chemise. + +"Look you here, Sir Cardinal!" said she; "the thing which the king +likes is not to receive the holy oils." + +Then came Oliver le Daim, whom she would not listen to either, and to +whose nonsense she replied, that she would ask the king if he wished +her to be shaved. + +Now as the said shaver did not supplicate her to keep his proposals +secret, she suspected that these little plots were ruses practised by +the king, whose suspicions had perhaps been aroused by her friends. +Now, for being able to revenge herself upon Louis, she at least +determined to pay out the said lords, to make fools of them, and amuse +the king with the tricks she would play upon them. One evening that +they had come to supper, she had a lady of the city with her, who +wished to speak with the king. This lady was a lady of position, who +wished asked the king pardon for her husband, the which, in +consequence of this adventure, she obtained. Nicole Beaupertuys having +led the king aside for a moment into an antechamber, told him to make +their guests drink hard and eat to repletion; that he was to make +merry and joke with them; but when the cloth was removed, he was to +pick quarrels with them about trifles, dispute their words, and be +sharp with them; and that she would then divert him by turning them +inside out before him. But above all things, he was to be friendly to +the said lady, and it was to appear as genuine, as if she enjoyed the +perfume of his favour, because she had gallantly lent herself to this +good joke. + +"Well, gentlemen," said the king, re-entering the room, "let us fall +to; we have had a good day's sport." + +And the surgeon, the cardinal, a fat bishop, the captain of the Scotch +Guard, a parliamentary envoy, and a judge loved of the king, followed +the two ladies into the room where one rubs the rust off one's jaw +bones. And there they lined the mold of their doublets. What is that? +It is to pave the stomach, to practice the chemistry of nature, to +register the various dishes, to regale your tripes, to dig your grave +with your teeth, play with the sword of Cain, to inter sauces, to +support a cuckold. But more philosophically it is to make ordure with +one's teeth. Now, do you understand? How many words does it require to +burst open the lid of your understanding? + +The king did not fail to distill into his guests this splendid and +first-class supper. He stuffed them with green peas, returning to the +hotch-potch, praising the plums, commending the fish, saying to one, +"Why do you not eat?" to another, "Drink to Madame"; to all of them, +"Gentlemen, taste these lobsters; put this bottle to death! You do not +know the flavour of this forcemeat. And these lampreys--ah! what do +you say to them? And by the Lord! The finest barbel ever drawn from +the Loire! Just stick your teeth into this pastry. This game is my own +hunting; he who takes it not offends me." And again, "Drink, the +king's eyes are the other way. Just give your opinion of these +preserves, they are Madame's own. Have some of these grapes, they are +my own growing. Have some medlars." And while inducing them to swell +out their abdominal protuberances, the good monarch laughed with them, +and they joked and disputed, and spat, and blew their noses, and +kicked up just as though the king had not been with them. Then so much +victuals had been taken on board, so many flagons drained and stews +spoiled, that the faces of the guests were the colour of cardinals +gowns, and their doublets appeared ready to burst, since they were +crammed with meat like Troyes sausages from the top to the bottom of +their paunches. Going into the saloon again, they broke into a profuse +sweat, began to blow, and to curse their gluttony. The king sat +quietly apart; each of them was the more willing to be silent because +all their forces were required for the intestinal digestion of the +huge platefuls confined in their stomachs, which began to wabble and +rumble violently. One said to himself, "I was stupid to eat of that +sauce." Another scolded himself for having indulged in a plate of eels +cooked with capers. Another thought to himself, "Oh! oh! The forcemeat +is serving me out." The cardinal, who was the biggest bellied man of +the lot, snorted through his nostrils like a frightened horse. It was +he who was first compelled to give vent to a loud sounding belch, and +then he soon wished himself in Germany, where this is a form of +salutation, for the king hearing this gastric language looked at the +cardinal with knitted brows. + +"What does this mean?" said he, "am I a simple clerk?" + +This was heard with terror, because usually the king made much of a +good belch well off the stomach. The other guests determined to get +rid in another way of the vapours which were dodging about in their +pancreatic retorts; and at first they endeavoured to hold them for a +little while in the pleats of their mesenteries. It was then that some +of them puffed and swelled like tax-gatherers. Beaupertuys took the +good king aside and said to him-- + +"Know now that I have had made by the Church jeweller Peccard, two +large dolls, exactly resembling this lady and myself. Now when +hard-pressed by the drugs which I have put in their goblets, they +desire to mount the throne to which we are now about to pretend to go, +they will always find the place taken; by this means you will enjoy +their writhings." + +Thus having said, La Beaupertuys disappeared with the lady to go and +turn the wheel, after the custom of women, and of which I will tell +you the origin in another place. And after an honest lapse of water, +Beaupertuys came back alone, leaving it to be believed that she had +left the lady at the little laboratory of natural alchemy. Thereupon +the king, singling out the cardinal, made him get up, and talked with +him seriously of his affairs, holding him by the tassel of his amice. +To all that the king said, La Balue replied, "Yes, sir," to be +delivered from this favour, and slip out of the room, since the water +was in his cellars, and he was about to lose the key of his back-door. +All the guests were in a state of not knowing how to arrest the +progress of the fecal matter to which nature has given, even more than +to water, the property of finding a certain level. Their substances +modified themselves and glided working downward, like those insects +who demand to be let out of their cocoons, raging, tormenting, and +ungrateful to the higher powers; for nothing is so ignorant, so +insolent as those cursed objects, and they are importunate like all +things detained to whom one owes liberty. So they slipped at every +turn like eels out of a net, and each one had need of great efforts +and science not to disgrace himself before the king. Louis took great +pleasure in interrogating his guests, and was much amused with the +vicissitudes of their physiognomies, on which were reflected the dirty +grimaces of their writhings. The counsellor of justice said to Oliver, +"I would give my office to be behind a hedge for half a dozen +seconds." + +"Oh, there is no enjoyment to equal a good stool; and now I am no +longer astonished at sempiternal droppings of a fly," replied the +surgeon. + +The cardinal believing that the lady had obtained her receipt from the +bank of deposit, left the tassels of his girdle in the king's hand, +making a start as if he had forgotten to say his prayers, and made his +way towards the door. + +"What is the matter with you, Monsieur le Cardinal?" said the king. + +"By my halidame, what is the matter with me? It appears that all your +affairs are very extensive, sire!" + +The cardinal had slipped out, leaving the others astonished at his +cunning. He proceeded gloriously towards the lower room, loosening a +little the strings of his purse; but when he opened the blessed little +door he found the lady at her functions upon the throne, like a pope +about to be consecrated. Then restraining his impatience, he descended +the stairs to go into the garden. However, on the last steps the +barking of the dogs put him in great fear of being bitten in one of +his precious hemispheres; and not knowing where to deliver himself of +his chemical produce he came back into the room, shivering like a man +who has been in the open air! The others seeing the cardinal return, +imagined that he had emptied his natural reservoirs, unburdened his +ecclesiastical bowels, and believed him happy. Then the surgeon rose +quickly, as if to take note of the tapestries and count the rafters, +but gained the door before anyone else, and relaxing his sphincter in +advance, he hummed a tune on his way to the retreat; arrived there he +was compelled, like La Balue, to murmur words of excuse to this +student of perpetual motion, shutting the door with as promptitude as +he opened it; and he came back burdened with an accumulation which +seriously impeded his private channels. And in the same way went to +guests one after the other, without being able to unburden themselves +of their sauces, as soon again found themselves all in the presence of +Louis the Eleventh, as much distressed as before, looking at each +other slyly, understanding each other better with their tails than +they ever understood with their mouths, for there is never any +equivoque in the transactions of the parts of nature, and everything +therein is rational and of easy comprehension, seeing that it is a +science which we learn at our birth. + +"I believe," said the cardinal to the surgeon, "that lady will go on +until to-morrow. What was La Beaupertuys about to ask such a case of +diarrhoea here?" + +"She's been an hour working at what I could get done in a minute. May +the fever seize her" cried Oliver le Daim. + +All the courtiers seized with colic were walking up and down to make +their importunate matters patient, when the said lady reappeared in +the room. You can believe they found her beautiful and graceful, and +would willingly have kissed her, there where they so longed to go; and +never did they salute the day with more favour than this lady, the +liberator of the poor unfortunate bodies. La Balue rose; the others, +from honour, esteem, and reverence of the church, gave way to the +clergy, and, biding their time, they continued to make grimaces, at +which the king laughed to himself with Nicole, who aided him to stop +the respiration of these loose-bowelled gentlemen. The good Scotch +captain, who more than all the others had eaten of a dish in which the +cook had put an aperient powder, became the victim of misplaced +confidence. He went ashamed into a corner, hoping that before the +king, his mishap might escape detection. At this moment the cardinal +returned horribly upset, because he had found La Beaupertuys on the +episcopal seat. Now, in his torments, not knowing if she were in the +room, he came back and gave vent to a diabolical "Oh!" on beholding +her near his master. + +"What do you mean?" exclaimed the king, looking at the priest in a way +to give him the fever. + +"Sire," said La Balue, insolently, "the affairs of purgatory are in my +ministry, and I am bound to inform you that there is sorcery going on +in this house." + +"Ah! little priest, you wish to make game of me!" said the king. + +At these words the company were in a terrible state. + +"So you treat me with disrespect?" said the king, which made them turn +pale. "Ho, there! Tristan, my friend!" cried Louis XI. from the +window, which he threw up suddenly, "come up here!" + +The grand provost of the hotel was not long before he appeared; and as +these gentlemen were all nobodies, raised to their present position by +the favour of the king, Louis, in a moment of anger, could crush them +at will; so that with the exception of the cardinal who relied upon +his cassock, Tristan found them all rigid and aghast. + +"Conduct these gentleman to the Pretorium, on the Mall, my friend, +they have disgraced themselves through over-eating." + +"Am I not good at jokes?" said Nicole to him. + +"The farce is good, but it is fetid," replied he, laughing. + +This royal answer showed the courtiers that this time the king did not +intend to play with their heads, for which they thanked heaven. The +monarch was partial to these dirty tricks. He was not at all a bad +fellow, as the guests remarked while relieving themselves against the +side of the Mall with Tristan, who, like a good Frenchman, kept them +company, and escorted them to their homes. This is why since that time +the citizens of Tours had never failed to defile the Mall of +Chardonneret, because the gentlemen of the court had been there. + +I will not leave this great king without committing to writing this +good joke which he played upon La Godegrand, who was an old maid, much +disgusted that she had not, during the forty years she had lived, been +able to find a lid to her saucepan, enraged, in her yellow skin, that +she still was as virgin as a mule. This old maid had her apartments on +the other side of the house which belonged to La Beaupertuys, at the +corner of the Rue de Hierusalem, in such a position that, standing on +the balcony joining the wall, it was easy to see what she was doing, +and hear what she was saying in the lower room where she lived; and +often the king derived much amusement from the antics of the old girl, +who did not know that she was so much within the range of his +majesty's culverin. Now one market day it happened that the king had +caused to be hanged a young citizen of Tours, who had violated a noble +lady of a certain age, believing that she was a young maiden. There +would have been no harm in this, and it would have been a thing +greatly to the credit of the said lady to have been taken for a +virgin; but on finding out his mistake, he had abominably insulted +her, and suspecting her of trickery, had taken it into his head to rob +her of a splendid silver goblet, in payment of the present he had just +made her. This young man had long hair, and was so handsome that the +whole town wished to see him hanged, both from regret and out of +curiosity. You may be sure that at this hanging there were more caps +than hats. Indeed, the said young man swung very well; and after the +fashion and custom of persons hanged, he died gallantly with his lance +couched, which fact made a great noise in the town. Many ladies said +on this subject that it was a murder not to have preserved so fine a +fellow from the scaffold. + +"Suppose we were to put this handsome corpse in the bed of La +Godegrand," said La Beaupertuys to the king. + +"We should terrify her," replied Louis. + +"Not at all, sire. Be sure that she will welcome even a dead man, so +madly does she long for a living one. Yesterday I saw her making love +to a young man's cap placed on the top of a chair, and you would have +laughed heartily at her words and gestures." + +Now while this forty-year-old virgin was at vespers, the king sent to +have this young townsman, who had just finished the last scene of his +tragic farce, taken down, and having dressed him in a white shirt, two +officers got over the walls of La Godegrand's garden, and put the +corpse into her bed, on the side nearest the street. Having done this +they went away, and the king remained in the room with the balcony to +it, playing with Beaupertuys, and awaiting an hour at which the old +maid should go to bed. La Godegrand soon came back with a hop, skip, +and jump, as the Tourainians say, from the church of St Martin, from +which she was not far, since the Rue de Hierusalem touches the walls +of the cloister. She entered her house, laid down her prayer-book, +chaplet, and rosary, and other ammunition which these old girls carry, +then poked the fire, and blew it, warmed herself at it, settled +herself in her chair, and played with her cat for want of something +better; then she went to the larder, supping and sighing, and sighing +and supping, eating alone, with her eyes cast down upon the carpet; +and after having drunk, behaved in a manner forbidden in court +society. + +"Ah!" the corpse said to her, "'_God bless you_!'" + +At this joke of luck of La Beaupertuys, both laughed heartily in their +sleeves. And with great attention this very Christian king watched the +undressing of the old maid, who admired herself while removing her +things--pulling out a hair, or scratching a pimple which had +maliciously come upon her nose; picking her teeth, and doing a +thousand little things which, alas! all ladies, virgins or not, are +obliged to do, much to their annoyance; but without these little +faults of nature, they would be too proud, and one would not be able +to enjoy their society. Having achieved her aquatic and musical +discourse, the old maid got in between the sheets, and yelled forth a +fine, great, ample, and curious cry, when she saw, when she smelt the +fresh vigour of this hanged man and the sweet perfume of his manly +youth; then sprang away from him out of coquetry. But as she did not +know he was really dead, she came back again, believing he was mocking +her, and counterfeiting death. + +"Go away, you bad young man!" said she. + +But you can imagine that she proffered this requests in a most humble +and gracious tone of voice. Then seeing that he did not move, she +examined him more closely, and was much astonished at this so fine +human nature when she recognised the young fellow, upon whom the fancy +took her to perform some purely scientific experiments in the +interests of hanged persons. + +"What is she doing?" said La Beaupertuys to the king. + +"She is trying to reanimate him. It is a work of Christian humanity." + +And the old girl rubbed and warmed this fine young man, supplicating +holy Mary the Egyptian to aid her to renew the life of this husband +who had fallen so amorously from heaven, when, suddenly looking at the +dead body she was so charitably rubbing, she thought she saw a slight +movement in the eyes; then she put her hand upon the man's heart, and +felt it beat feebly. At length, from the warmth of the bed and of +affection, and by the temperature of old maids, which is by far more +burning then the warm blasts of African deserts, she had the delight +of bringing to life that fine handsome young fellow who by lucky +chance had been very badly hanged. + +"See how my executioners serve me!" said Louis, laughing. + +"Ah!" said La Beaupertuys, "you will not have him hanged again? he is +too handsome." + +"The decree does not say that he shall be hanged twice, but he shall +marry the old woman." + +Indeed, the good lady went in a great hurry to seek a master leech, a +good bleeder, who lived in the Abbey, and brought him back directly. +He immediately took his lancet, and bled the young man. And as no +blood came out: "Ah!" said he, "it is too late, the transshipment of +blood in the lungs has taken place." + +But suddenly this good young blood oozed out a little, and then came +out in abundance, and the hempen apoplexy, which had only just begun, +was arrested in its course. The young man moved and came more to life; +then he fell, from natural causes, into a state of great weakness and +profound sadness, prostration of flesh and general flabbiness. Now the +old maid, who was all eyes, and followed the great and notable changes +which were taking place in the person of this badly hanged man, pulled +the surgeon by the sleeve, and pointing out to him, by a curious +glance of the eye, the piteous cause, said to him-- + +"Will he for the future be always like that?" + +"Often," replied the veracious surgeon. + +"Oh! he was much nicer hanged!" + +At this speech the king burst out laughing. Seeing him at the window, +the woman and the surgeon were much frightened, for this laugh seemed +to them a second sentence of death for their poor victim. But the king +kept his word, and married them. And in order to do justice he gave +the husband the name of the Sieur de Mortsauf in the place of the one +he had lost upon the scaffold. As La Godegrand had a very big basket +of crowns, they founded a good family in Touraine, which still exists +and is much respected, since M. de Mortsauf faithfully served Louis +the Eleventh on different occasions. Only he never liked to come +across gibbets or old women, and never again made amorous assignations +in the night. + +This teaches us to thoroughly verify and recognise women, and not to +deceive ourselves in the local difference which exists between the old +and the young, for if we are not hanged for our errors of love, there +are always great risks to run. + + + + THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE + +The high constable of Armagnac espoused from the desire of a great +fortune, the Countess Bonne, who was already considerably enamoured of +little Savoisy, son of the chamberlain to his majesty King Charles the +Sixth. + +The constable was a rough warrior, miserable in appearance, tough in +skin, thickly bearded, always uttering angry words, always busy +hanging people, always in the sweat of battles, or thinking of other +stratagems than those of love. Thus the good soldier, caring little to +flavour the marriage stew, used his charming wife after the fashion of +a man with more lofty ideas; of the which the ladies have a great +horror, since they like not the joists of the bed to be the sole +judges of their fondling and vigorous conduct. + +Now the lovely Countess, as soon as she was grafted on the constable, +only nibbled more eagerly at the love with which her heart was laden +for the aforesaid Savoisy, which that gentleman clearly perceived. + +Wishing both to study the same music, they would soon harmonise their +fancies, and decipher the hieroglyphic; and this was a thing clearly +demonstrated to the Queen Isabella, that Savoisy's horses were oftener +stabled at the house of her cousin of Armagnac than in the Hotel St. +Pol, where the chamberlain lived, since the destruction of his +residence, ordered by the university, as everyone knows. + +This discreet and wise princess, fearing in advance some unfortunate +adventure for Bonne--the more so as the constable was as ready to +brandish his broadsword as a priest to bestow benedictions--the said +queen, as sharp as a dirk, said one day, while coming out from +vespers, to her cousin, who was taking the holy water with Savoisy-- + +"My dear, don't you see some blood in that water?" + +"Bah!" said Savoisy to the queen. "Love likes blood, Madame." + +This the Queen considered a good reply, and put it into writing, and +later on, into action, when her lord the king wounded one of her +lovers, whose business you see settled in this narrative. + +You know by constant experience, that in the early time of love each +of two lovers is always in great fear of exposing the mystery of the +heart, and as much from the flower of prudence as from the amusement +yielded by the sweet tricks of gallantry they play at who can best +conceal their thoughts, but one day of forgetfulness suffices to inter +the whole virtuous past. The poor woman is taken in her joy as in a +lasso; her sweetheart proclaims his presence, or sometimes his +departure, by some article of clothing--a scarf, a spur, left by some +fatal chance, and there comes a stroke of the dagger that severs the +web so gallantly woven by their golden delights. But when one is full +of days, he should not make a wry face at death, and the sword of a +husband is a pleasant death for a gallant, if there be pleasant +deaths. So may be will finish the merry amours of the constable's +wife. + +One morning Monsieur d'Armagnac having lots of leisure time in +consequence of the flight of the Duke of Burgundy, who was quitting +Lagny, thought he would go and wish his lady good day, and attempted +to wake her up in a pleasant enough fashion, so that she should not be +angry; but she sunk in the heavy slumbers of the morning, replied to +the action-- + +"Leave me alone, Charles!" + +"Oh, oh," said the constable, hearing the name of a saint who was not +one of his patrons, "I have a Charles on my head!" + +Then, without touching his wife, he jumped out of the bed, and ran +upstairs with his face flaming and his sword drawn, to the place where +slept the countess's maid-servant, convinced that the said servant had +a finger in the pie. + +"Ah, ah, wench of hell!" cried he, to commence the discharge of his +passion, "say thy prayers, for I intend to kill thee instantly, +because of the secret practices of Charles who comes here." + +"Ah, Monseigneur," replied the woman, "who told you that?" + +"Stand steady, that I may rip thee at one blow if you do not confess +to me every assignation given, and in what manner they have been +arranged. If thy tongue gets entangled, if thou falterest, I will +pierce thee with my dagger!" + +"Pierce me through!" replied the girl; "you will learn nothing." + +The constable, having taken this excellent reply amiss, ran her +through on the spot, so mad was he with rage; and came back into his +wife's chamber and said to his groom, whom, awakened by the shrieks of +the girl, he met upon the stairs, "Go upstairs; I've corrected +Billette rather severely." + +Before he reappeared in the presence of Bonne he went to fetch his +son, who was sleeping like a child, and led him roughly into her room. +The mother opened her eyes pretty widely, you may imagine--at the +cries of her little one; and was greatly terrified at seeing him in +the hands of her husband, who had his right hand all bloody, and cast +a fierce glance on the mother and son. + +"What is the matter?" said she. + +"Madame," asked the man of quick execution, "this child, is he the +fruit of my loins, or those of Savoisy, your lover?" + +At this question Bonne turned pale, and sprang upon her son like a +frightened frog leaping into the water. + +"Ah, he is really ours," said she. + +"If you do not wish to see his head roll at your feet confess yourself +to me, and no prevarication. You have given me a lieutenant." + +"Indeed!" + +"Who is he?" + +"It is not Savoisy, and I will never say the name of a man that I +don't know." + +Thereupon the constable rose, took his wife by the arm to cut her +speech with a blow of the sword, but she, casting upon him an imperial +glance, cried-- + +"Kill me if you will, but touch me not." + +"You shall live," replied the husband, "because I reserve you for a +chastisement more ample then death." + +And doubting the inventions, snares, arguments, and artifices familiar +to women in these desperate situations, of which they study night and +day the variations, by themselves, or between themselves, he departed +with this rude and bitter speech. He went instantly to interrogate his +servants, presenting to them a face divinely terrible; so all of them +replied to him as they would to God the Father on the Judgment Day, +when each of us will be called to his account. + +None of them knew the serious mischief which was at the bottom of +these summary interrogations and crafty interlocutions; but from all +that they said, the constable came to the conclusion that no male in +his house was in the business, except one of his dogs, whom he found +dumb, and to whom he had given the post of watching the gardens; so +taking him in his hands, he strangled him with rage. This fact incited +him by induction to suppose that the other constable came into his +house by the garden, of which the only entrance was a postern opening +on to the water side. + +It is necessary to explain to those who are ignorant of it, the +locality of the Hotel d'Armagnac, which had a notable situation near +to the royal houses of St. Pol. On this site has since been built the +hotel of Longueville. Then as at the present time, the residence of +d'Armagnac had a porch of fine stone in Rue St. Antoine, was fortified +at all points, and the high walls by the river side, in face of the +Ile du Vaches, in the part where now stands the port of La Greve, were +furnished with little towers. The design of these has for a long time +been shown at the house of Cardinal Duprat, the king's Chancellor. The +constable ransacked his brains, and at the bottom, from his finest +stratagems, drew the best, and fitted it so well to the present case, +that the gallant would be certain to be taken like a hare in the trap. +"'Sdeath," said he, "my planter of horns is taken, and I have the time +now to think how I shall finish him off." + +Now this is the order of battle which this grand hairy captain who +waged such glorious war against Duke Jean-sans-Peur commanded for the +assault of his secret enemy. He took a goodly number of his most loyal +and adroit archers, and placed them on the quay tower, ordering them +under the heaviest penalties to draw without distinction of persons, +except his wife, on those of his household who should attempt to leave +the gardens, and to admit therein, either by night or by day, the +favoured gentleman. The same was done on the porch side, in the Rue St +Antoine. + +The retainers, even the chaplain, were ordered not to leave the house +under pain of death. Then the guard of the two sides of the hotel +having been committed to the soldiers of a company of ordnance, who +were ordered to keep a sharp lookout in the side streets, it was +certain that the unknown lover to whom the constable was indebted for +his pair of horns, would be taken warm, when, knowing nothing, he +should come at the accustomed hour of love to insolently plant his +standard in the heart of the legitimate appurtenances of the said lord +count. + +It was a trap into which the most expert man would fall unless he was +seriously protected by the fates, as was the good St. Peter by the +Saviour when he prevented him going to the bottom of the sea the day +when they had a fancy to try if the sea were as solid as terra firma. + +The constable had business with the inhabitants of Poissy, and was +obliged to be in the saddle after dinner, so that, knowing his +intention, the poor Countess Bonne determined at night to invite her +young gallant to that charming duel in which she was always the +stronger. + +While the constable was making round his hotel a girdle of spies and +of death, and hiding his people near the postern to seize the gallant +as he came out, not knowing where he would spring from, his wife was +not amusing herself by threading peas nor seeking black cows in the +embers. First, the maid-servant who had been stuck, unstuck herself +and dragged herself to her mistress; she told her that her outraged +lord knew nothing, and that before giving up the ghost she would +comfort her dear mistress by assuring her that she could have perfect +confidence in her sister, who was laundress in the hotel, and was +willing to let herself be chopped up as small as sausage-meat to +please Madame. That she was the most adroit and roguish woman in the +neighbourhood, and renowned from the council chamber to the Trahoir +cross among the common people, and fertile in invention for the +desperate cases of love. + +Then, while weeping for the decease of her good chamber woman, the +countess sent for the laundress, made her leave her tubs and join her +in rummaging the bag of good tricks, wishing to save Savoisy, even at +the price of her future salvation. + +First of all the two women determined to let him know their lord and +master's suspicion, and beg him to be careful. + +Now behold the good washerwoman who, carrying her tub like a mule, +attempts to leave the hotel. But at the porch she found a man-at-arms +who turned a deaf ear to all the blandishments of the wash-tub. Then +she resolved, from her great devotion, to take the soldier on his weak +side, and she tickled him so with her fondling that he romped very +well with her, although he was armour-plated ready for battle; but +when the game was over he still refused to let her go into the street +and although she tried to get herself a passport sealed by some of the +handsomest, believing them more gallant: neither the archers, +men-at-arms, nor others, dared open for her the smallest entrance of +the house. "You are wicked and ungrateful wretches," said she, "not to +render me a like service." + +Luckily at this employment she learned everything, and came back in +great haste to her mistress, to whom she recounted the strange +machinations of the count. The two women held a fresh council and had +not considered, the time it takes to sing _Alleluia_, twice, these +warlike appearances, watches, defences, and equivocal, specious, and +diabolical orders and dispositions before they recognised by the sixth +sense with which all females are furnished, the special danger which +threatened the poor lover. + +Madame having learned that she alone had leave to quit the house, +ventured quickly to profit by her right, but she did not go the length +of a bow-shot, since the constable had ordered four of his pages to be +always on duty ready to accompany the countess, and two of the ensigns +of his company not to leave her. Then the poor lady returned to her +chamber, weeping as much as all the Magdalens one sees in the church +pictures, could weep together. + +"Alas!" said she, "my lover must then be killed, and I shall never see +him again! . . . he whose words were so sweet, whose manners were so +graceful, that lovely head that had so often rested on my knees, will +now be bruised . . . What! Can I not throw to my husband an empty and +valueless head in place of the one full of charms and worth . . . a +rank head for a sweet-smelling one; a hated head for a head of love." + +"Ah, Madame!" cried the washerwoman, "suppose we dress up in the +garments of a nobleman, the steward's son who is mad for me, and +wearies me much, and having thus accoutered him, we push him out +through the postern." + +Thereupon the two women looked at each other with assassinating eyes. + +"This marplot," said she, "once slain, all those soldiers will fly +away like geese." + +"Yes, but will not the count recognise the wretch?" + +And the countess, striking her breast, exclaimed, shaking her head, +"No, no, my dear, here it is noble blood that must be spilt without +stint." + +Then she thought a little, and jumping with joy, suddenly kissed the +laundress, saying, "Because I have saved my lover's life by your +counsel, I will pay you for his life until death." + +Thereupon the countess dried her tears, put on the face of a bride, +took her little bag and a prayer-book, and went towards the Church of +St. Pol whose bells she heard ringing, seeing that the last Mass was +about to be said. In this sweet devotion the countess never failed, +being a showy woman, like all the ladies of the court. Now this was +called the full-dress Mass, because none but fops, fashionables, young +gentlemen and ladies puffed out and highly scented, were to be met +there. In fact no dresses was seen there without armorial bearings, +and no spurs that were not gilt. + +So the Countess of Bonne departed, leaving at the hotel the laundress +much astonished, and charged to keep her eyes about her, and came with +great pomp to the church, accompanied by her pages, the two ensigns +and men-at-arms. It is here necessary to say that among the band of +gallant knights who frisked round the ladies in church, the countess +had more than one whose joy she was, and who had given his heart to +her, after the fashion of youths who put down enough and to spare upon +their tablets, only in order to make a conquest of at least one out of +a great number. + +Among these birds of fine prey who with open beaks looked oftener +between the benches and the paternosters than towards the altar and +the priests, there was one upon whom the countess sometimes bestowed +the charity of a glance, because he was less trifling and more deeply +smitten than all the others. + +This one remained bashful, always stuck against the same pillar, never +moving from it, but readily ravished with the sight alone of this lady +whom he had chosen as his. His pale face was softly melancholy. His +physiognomy gave proof of fine heart, one of those which nourish +ardent passions and plunge delightedly into the despairs of love +without hope. Of these people there are few, because ordinarily one +likes more a certain thing than the unknown felicities lying and +flourishing at the bottommost depths of the soul. + +This said gentleman, although his garments were well made, and clean +and neat, having even a certain amount of taste shown in the +arrangement, seemed to the constable's wife to be a poor knight +seeking fortune, and come from afar, with his nobility for his +portion. Now partly from a suspicion of his secret poverty, partly +because she was well beloved by him and a little because he had a good +countenance, fine black hair, and a good figure, and remained humble +and submissive in all, the constable's wife desired for him the favour +of women and of fortune, not to let his gallantry stand idle, and from +a good housewifely idea, she fired his imagination according to her +fantasies, by certain small favours and little looks which serpented +towards him like biting adders, trifling with the happiness of this +young life, like a princess accustomed to play with objects more +precious than a simple knight. In fact, her husband risked the whole +kingdom as you would a penny at piquet. Finally it was only three days +since, at the conclusion of vespers, that the constable's wife pointed +out to the queen this follower of love, said laughingly-- + +"There's a man of quality." + +This sentence remained in the fashionable language. Later it became a +custom so to designate the people of the court. It was to the wife of +the constable d'Armagnac, and to no other source, that the French +language is indebted for this charming expression. + +By a lucky chance the countess had surmised correctly concerning this +gentleman. He was a bannerless knight, named Julien de Boys-Bourredon, +who not having inherited on his estate enough to make a toothpick, and +knowing no other wealth than the rich nature with which his dead +mother had opportunely furnished him, conceived the idea of deriving +therefrom both rent and profit at court, knowing how fond ladies are +of those good revenues, and value them high and dear, when they can +stand being looked at between two suns. There are many like him who +have thus taken the narrow road of women to make their way; but he, +far from arranging his love in measured qualities, spend funds and +all, as soon as he came to the full-dress Mass, he saw the triumphant +beauty of the Countess Bonne. Then he fell really in love, which was a +grand thing for his crowns, because he lost both thirst and appetite. +This love is of the worst kind, because it incites you to the love of +diet, during the diet of love; a double malady, of which one is +sufficient to extinguish a man. + +Such was the young gentlemen of whom the good lady had thought, and +towards whom she came quickly to invite him to his death. + +On entering she saw the poor chevalier, who faithful to his pleasure, +awaited her, his back against a pillar, as a sick man longs for the +sun, the spring-time, and the dawn. Then she turned away her eyes, and +wished to go to the queen and request her assistance in this desperate +case, for she took pity on her lover, but one of the captains said to +her, with great appearance of respect, "Madame, we have orders not to +allow you to speak with man or woman, even though it should be the +queen or your confessor. And remember that the lives of all of us are +at stake." + +"Is it not your business to die?" said she. + +"And also to obey," replied the soldier. + +Then the countess knelt down in her accustomed place, and again +regarding her faithful slave, found his face thinner and more deeply +lined than ever it had been. + +"Bah!" said she, "I shall have less remorse for his death; he is half +dead as it is." + +With this paraphrase of her idea, she cast upon the said gentleman one +of those warm ogles that are only allowable to princesses and harlots, +and the false love which her lovely eyes bore witness to, gave a +pleasant pang to the gallant of the pillar. Who does not love the warm +attack of life when it flows thus round the heart and engulfs +everything? + +Madame recognised with a pleasure, always fresh in the minds of women, +the omnipotence of her magnificent regard by the answer which, without +saying a word, the chevalier made to it. And in fact, the blushes +which empurpled his cheeks spoke better than the best speeches of the +Greek and Latin orators, and were well understood. At this sweet +sight, the countess, to make sure that it was not a freak of nature, +took pleasure in experimentalising how far the virtue of her eyes +would go, and after having heated her slave more than thirty times, +she was confirmed in her belief that he would bravely die for her. +This idea so touched her, that from three repetitions between her +orisons she was tickled with the desire to put into a lump all the +joys of man, and to dissolve them for him in one single glance of +love, in order that she should not one day be reproached with having +not only dissipated the life, but also the happiness of this +gentleman. When the officiating priest turned round to sing the _Off +you go_ to this fine gilded flock, the constable's wife went out by the +side of the pillar where her courtier was, passed in front of him and +endeavoured to insinuate into his understanding by a speaking glance +that he was to follow her, and to make positive the intelligence and +significant interpretation of this gentle appeal, the artful jade +turned round again a little after passing him to again request his +company. She saw that he had moved a little from his place, and dared +not advance, so modest was he, but upon this last sign, the gentleman, +sure of not being over-credulous, mixed with the crowd with little and +noiseless steps, like an innocent who is afraid of venturing into one +of those good places people call bad ones. And whether he walked +behind or in front, to the right or to the left, my lady bestowed upon +him a glistening glance to allure him the more and the better to draw +him to her, like a fisher who gently jerks the lines in order to hook +the gudgeon. To be brief: the countess practiced so well the +profession of the daughters of pleasure when they work to bring grist +into their mills, that one would have said nothing resembled a harlot +so much as a woman of high birth. And indeed, on arriving at the porch +of her hotel the countess hesitated to enter therein, and again turned +her face towards the poor chevalier to invite him to accompany her, +discharging at him so diabolical a glance, that he ran to the queen of +his heart, believing himself to be called by her. Thereupon, she +offered him her hand, and both boiling and trembling from the contrary +causes found themselves inside the house. At this wretched hour, +Madame d'Armagnac was ashamed of having done all these harlotries to +the profit of death, and of betraying Savoisy the better to save him; +but this slight remorse was lame as the greater, and came tardily. +Seeing everything ready, the countess leaned heavily upon her vassal's +arm, and said to him-- + +"Come quickly to my room; it is necessary that I should speak with +you." + +And he, not knowing that his life was in peril, found no voice +wherewith to reply, so much did the hope of approaching happiness +choke him. + +When the laundress saw this handsome gentleman so quickly hooked, +"Ah!" said she, "these ladies of the court are best at such work." +Then she honoured this courtier with a profound salutation, in which +was depicted the ironical respect due to those who have the great +courage to die for so little. + +"Picard," said the constable's lady, drawing the laundress to her by +the skirt, "I have not the courage to confess to him the reward with +which I am about to pay his silent love and his charming belief in the +loyalty of women." + +"Bah! Madame: why tell him? Send him away well contented by the +postern. So many men die in war for nothing, cannot this one die for +something? I'll produce another like him if that will console you." + +"Come along," cried the countess, "I will confess all to him. That +will be the punishment for my sins." + +Thinking that this lady was arranging with her servant certain +trifling provisions and secret things in order not to be disturbed in +the interview she had promised him, the unknown lover kept at a +discreet distance, looking at the flies. Nevertheless, he thought that +the countess was very bold, but also, as even a hunchback would have +done, he found a thousand reasons to justify her, and thought himself +quite worthy to inspire such recklessness. He was lost in those good +thoughts when the constable's wife opened the door of her chamber, and +invited the chevalier to follow her in. There his noble lady cast +aside all the apparel of her lofty fortune, and falling at the feet of +this gentleman, became a simple woman. + +"Alas, sweet sir!" said she, "I have acted vilely towards you. Listen. +On your departure from this house, you will meet your death. The love +which I feel for another has bewildered me, and without being able to +hold his place here, you will have to take it before his murderers. +This is the joy to which I have bidden you." + +"Ah!" Replied Boys-Bourredon, interring in the depths of his heart a +dark despair, "I am grateful to you for having made use of me as of +something which belonged to you. . . . Yes, I love you so much that +every day you I have dreamed of offering you in imitation of the +ladies, a thing that can be given but once. Take, then, my life!" + +And the poor chevalier, in saying this, gave her one glance to suffice +for all the time he would have been able to look at her through the +long days. Hearing these brave and loving words, Bonne rose suddenly. + +"Ah! were it not for Savoisy, how I would love thee!" said she. + +"Alas! my fate is then accomplished," replied Boys-Bourredon. "My +horoscope predicted that I should die by the love of a great lady. Ah, +God!" said he, clutching his good sword, "I will sell my life dearly, +but I shall die content in thinking that my decease ensures the +happiness of her I love. I should live better in her memory than in +reality." At the sight of the gesture and the beaming face of this +courageous man, the constable's wife was pierced to the heart. But +soon she was wounded to the quick because he seemed to wish to leave +her without even asking of her the smallest favour. + +"Come, that I may arm you," said she to him, making an attempt to kiss +him. + +"Ha! my lady-love," replied he, moistening with a gentle tear the fire +of his eyes, "would you render my death impossible by attaching too +great a value to my life?" + +"Come," cried she, overcome by this intense love, "I do not know what +the end of all this will be, but come--afterwards we will go and +perish together at the postern." + +The same flame leaped in their hearts, the same harmony had struck for +both, they embraced each other with a rapture in the delicious excess +of that mad fever which you know well I hope; they fell into a +profound forgetfulness of the dangers of Savoisy, of themselves, of +the constable, of death, of life, of everything. + +Meanwhile the watchman at the porch had gone to inform the constable +of the arrival of the gallant, and to tell him how the infatuated +gentleman had taken no notice of the winks which, during Mass and on +the road, the countess had given him in order to prevent his +destruction. They met their master arriving in great haste at the +postern, because on their side the archers of the quay had whistled to +him afar off, saying to him-- + +"The Sire de Savoisy has passed in." + +And indeed Savoisy had come at the appointed hour, and like all the +lovers, thinking only of his lady, he had not seen the count's spies +and had slipped in at the postern. This collision of lovers was the +cause of the constable's cutting short the words of those who came +from the Rue St. Antoine, saying to them with a gesture of authority, +that they did not think wise to disregard-- + +"I know that the animal is taken." + +Thereupon all rushed with a great noise through this said postern, +crying, "Death to him! death to him!" and men-at-arms, archers, the +constable, and the captains, all rushed full tilt upon Charles +Savoisy, the king's nephew, who they attacked under the countess's +window, where by a strange chance, the groans of the poor young man +were dolorously exhaled, mingled with the yells of the soldiers, at +the same time as passionate sighs and cries were given forth by the +two lovers, who hastened up in great fear. + +"Ah!" said the countess, turning pale from terror, "Savoisy is dying +for me!" + +"But I will live for you," replied Boys-Bourredon, "and shall esteem +it a joy to pay the same price for my happiness as he has done." + +"Hide yourself in the clothes chest," cried the countess; "I hear the +constable's footsteps." + +And indeed M. d'Armagnac appeared very soon with a head in his hand, +and putting it all bloody on the mantleshelf, "Behold, Madame," said +he, "a picture which will enlighten you concerning the duties of a +wife towards her husband." + +"You have killed an innocent man," replied the countess, without +changing colour. "Savoisy was not my lover." + +And with the this speech she looked proudly at the constable with a +face marked by so much dissimulation and feminine audacity, that the +husband stood looking as foolish as a girl who has allowed a note to +escape her below, before a numerous company, and he was afraid of +having made a mistake. + +"Of whom were you thinking this morning?" asked he. + +"I was dreaming of the king," said she. + +"Then, my dear, why not have told me so?" + +"Would you have believed me in the bestial passion you were in?" + +The constable scratched his ear and replied-- + +"But how came Savoisy with the key of the postern?" + +"I don't know," she said, curtly, "if you will have the goodness to +believe what I have said to you." + +And his wife turned lightly on her heel like a weather-cock turned by +the wind, pretending to go and look after the household affairs. You +can imagine that D'Armagnac was greatly embarrassed with the head of +poor Savoisy, and that for his part Boys-Bourredon had no desire to +cough while listening to the count, who was growling to himself all +sorts of words. At length the constable struck two heavy blows over +the table and said, "I'll go and attack the inhabitants of Poissy." +Then he departed, and when the night was come Boys-Bourredon escaped +from the house in some disguise or other. + +Poor Savoisy was sorely lamented by his lady, who had done all that a +woman could do to save her lover, and later he was more than wept, he +was regretted; for the countess having related this adventure to Queen +Isabella, her majesty seduced Boys-Bourredon from the service of her +cousin and put him to her own, so much was she touched with the +qualities and firm courage of this gentleman. + +Boys-Bourredon was a man whom danger had well recommended to the +ladies. In fact he comported himself so proudly in everything in the +lofty fortune, which the queen had made for him, that having badly +treated King Charles one day when the poor man was in his proper +senses, the courtiers, jealous of favour, informed the king of his +cuckoldom. Boys-Bourredon was in a moment sewn in a sack and thrown +into the Seine, near the ferry at Charenton, as everyone knows. I have +no need add, that since the day when the constable took it into his +head to play thoughtlessly with knives, his good wife utilised so well +the two deaths he had caused and threw them so often in his face, that +she made him as soft as a cat's paw and put him in the straight road +of marriage; and he proclaimed her a modest and virtuous constable's +lady, as indeed she was. As this book should, according to the maxims +of great ancient authors, join certain useful things to the good +laughs which you will find therein and contain precepts of high taste, +I beg to inform you that the quintessence of the story is this: That +women need never lose their heads in serious cases, because the God of +Love never abandons them, especially when they are beautiful, young, +and of good family; and that gallants when going to keep an amorous +assignation should never go there like giddy young men, but carefully, +and keep a sharp look-out near the burrow, to avoid falling into +certain traps and to preserve themselves; for after a good woman the +most precious thing is, certes, a pretty gentleman. + + + + THE MAID OF THILOUSE + +The lord of Valennes, a pleasant place, of which the castle is not far +from the town of Thilouse, had taken a mean wife, who by reason of +taste or antipathy, pleasure or displeasure, health or sickness, +allowed her good husband to abstain from those pleasures stipulated +for in all contracts of marriage. In order to be just, it should be +stated that the above-mentioned lord was a dirty and ill-favoured +person, always hunting wild animals and not the more entertaining than +is a room full of smoke. And what is more, the said sportsman was all +sixty years of age, on which subject, however, he was a silent as a +hempen widow on the subject of rope. But nature, which the crooked, +the bandy-legged, the blind, and the ugly abuse so unmercifully here +below, and have no more esteem for her than the well-favoured,--since, +like workers of tapestry, they know not what they do,--gives the same +appetite to all and to all the same mouth for pudding. So every beast +finds a mate, and from the same fact comes the proverb, "There is no +pot, however ugly, that does not one day find a cover." Now the lord +of Valennes searched everywhere for nice little pots to cover, and +often in addition to wild, he hunted tame animals; but this kind of +game was scarce in the land, and it was an expensive affair to +discover a maid. At length however by reason of much ferreting about +and much enquiry, it happened that the lord of Valennes was informed +that in Thilouse was the widow of a weaver who had a real treasure in +the person of a little damsel of sixteen years, whom she had never +allowed to leave her apronstrings, and whom, with great maternal +forethought, she always accompanied when the calls of nature demanded +her obedience; she had her to sleep with her in her own bed, watched +over her, got her up in the morning, and put her to such a work that +between the twain they gained about eight pennies a day. On fete days +she took her to the church, scarcely giving her a spare moment to +exchange a merry word with the young people; above all was she strict +in keeping hands off the maiden. + +But the times were just then so hard that the widow and her daughter +had only bread enough to save them from dying of hunger, and as they +lodged with one of their poor relations, they often wanted wood in +winter and clothes in summer, owing enough rent to frighten sergeants +of justice, men who are not easily frightened at the debts of others; +in short, while the daughter was increasing in beauty, the mother was +increasing in poverty, and ran into debt on account of her daughter's +virginity, as an alchemist will for the crucible in which his all is +cast. As soon as his plans were arranged and perfect, one rainy day +the said lord of Valennes by a mere chance came into the hovel of the +two spinners, and in order to dry himself sent for some fagots to +Plessis, close by. While waiting for them, he sat on a stool between +the two poor women. By means of the grey shadows and half light of the +cabin, he saw the sweet countenance of the maid of Thilouse; her arms +were red and firm, her breasts hard as bastions, which kept the cold +from her heart, her waist round as a young oak and all fresh and clean +and pretty, like the first frost, green and tender as an April bud; in +fact, she resembled all that is prettiest in the world. She had eyes +of a modest and virtuous blue, with a look more coy than that of the +Virgin, for she was less forward, never having had a child. + +Had any one said to her, "Come, let us make love," she would have +said, "Love! What is that?" she was so innocent and so little open to +the comprehensions of the thing. + +The good old lord twisted about upon his stool, eyeing the maid and +stretching his neck like a monkey trying to catch nuts, which the +mother noticed, but said not a word, being in fear of the lord to whom +the whole of the country belonged. When the fagot was put into the +grate and flared up, the good hunter said to the old woman, "Ah, ah! +that warms one almost as much as your daughter's eyes." + +"But alas, my lord," said she, "we have nothing to cook on that fire." + +"Oh yes," replied he. + +"What?" + +"Ah, my good woman, lend your daughter to my wife, who has need of a +good handmaiden: we will give you two fagots every day." + +"Oh, my lord, what could I cook at such a good fire?" + +"Why," replied the old rascal, "good broth, for I will give you a +measure of corn in season." + +"Then," replied the old hag, "where shall I put it?" + +"In your dish," answered the purchaser of innocence. + +"But I have neither dish nor flower-bin, nor anything." + +"Well I will give you dishes and flower-bins, saucepans, flagons, a +good bed with curtains, and everything." + +"Yes," replied the good widow, "but the rain would spoil them, I have +no house." + +"You can see from here," replied the lord, "the house of La +Tourbelliere, where lived my poor huntsmen Pillegrain, who was ripped +up by a boar?" + +"Yes," said the old woman. + +"Well, you can make yourself at home there for the rest of your days." + +"By my faith;" cried the mother, letting fall her distaff, "do you +mean what you say?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, then, what will you give my daughter?" + +"All that she is willing to gain in my service." + +"Oh! my lord, you are a joking." + +"No," said he. + +"Yes," said she. + +"By St. Gatien, St. Eleuther, and by the thousand million saints who +are in heaven, I swear that--" + +"Ah! Well; if you are not jesting I should like those fagots to pass +through the hands of the notary." + +"By the blood of Christ and the charms of your daughter am I not a +gentleman? Is not my word good enough?" + +"Ah! well I don't say that it is not; but as true as I am a poor +spinner I love my child too much to leave her; she is too young and +weak at present, she will break down in service. Yesterday, in his +sermon, the vicar said that we should have to answer to God for our +children." + +"There! There!" said the lord, "go and find the notary." + +An old woodcutter ran to the scrivener, who came and drew up a +contract, to which the lord of Valennes then put his cross, not +knowing how to write, and when all was signed and sealed-- + +"Well, old lady," said he, "now you are no longer answerable to God +for the virtue of your child." + +"Ah! my lord, the vicar said until the age of reason, and my child is +quite reasonable." Then turning towards her, she added, "Marie Fiquet, +that which is dearest to you is your honour, and there where you are +going everyone, without counting my lord, will try to rob you of it, +but you see well what it is worth; for that reason do not lose it save +willingly and in proper manner. Now in order not to contaminate your +virtue before God and before man, except for a legitimate motive, take +heed that your chance of marriage be not damaged beforehand, otherwise +you will go to the bad." + +"Yes, dear mother," replied the maid. + +And thereupon she left the poor abode of her relation, and came to the +chateau of Valennes, there to serve my lady, who found her both pretty +and to her taste. + +When the people of Valennes, Sache, Villaines, and other places, +learned the high price given for the maid of Thilouse, the good +housewives recognising the fact that nothing is more profitable than +virtue, endeavoured to nourish and bring up their daughters virtuous, +but the business was as risky as that of rearing silkworms, which are +liable to perish, since innocence is like a medlar, and ripens quickly +on the straw. There were, however, some girls noted for it in +Touraine, who passed for virgins in the convents of the religious, but +I cannot vouch for these, not having proceeded to verify them in the +manner laid down by Verville, in order to make sure of the perfect +virtue of women. However, Marie Fiquet followed the wise counsel of +her mother, and would take no notice of the soft requests, honied +words, or apish tricks of her master, unless they were flavoured with +a promise of marriage. + +When the old lord tried to kiss her, she would put her back up like a +cat at the approach of a dog, crying out "I will tell Madame!" In +short at the end of six months he had not even recovered the price of +a single fagot. From her labour Marie Fiquet became harder and firmer. +Sometimes she would reply to the gentle request of her master, "When +you have taken it from me will you give it me back again?" + +Another time she would say, "If I were as full of holes as a sieve not +one should be for you, so ugly do I think you." + +The good old man took these village sayings for flowers of innocence, +and ceased not make little signs to her, long harangues and a hundred +vows and sermons, for by reason of seeing the fine breasts of the +maid, her plump hips, which at certain movements came into prominent +relief, and by reason of admiring other things capable of inflaming +the mind of a saint, this dear men became enamoured of her with an old +man's passion, which augments in geometrical proportions as opposed to +the passions of young men, because the old men love with their +weakness which grows greater, and the young with their strength which +grows less. In order to leave this headstrong girl no loophole for +refusal, the old lord took into his confidence the steward, whose age +was seventy odd years, and made him understand that he ought to marry +in order to keep his body warm, and that Marie Fiquet was the very +girl to suit him. The old steward, who had gained three hundred pounds +by different services about the house, desired to live quietly without +opening the front door again; but his good master begged him to marry +to please him, assuring him that he need not trouble about his wife. +So the good steward wandered out of sheer good nature into this +marriage. The day of the wedding, bereft of all her reasons, and not +able to find objections to her pursuer, she made him give her a fat +settlement and dowry as the price of her conquest, and then gave the +old knave leave to wink at her as often as he could, promising him as +many embraces as he had given grains of wheat to her mother. But at +his age a bushel was sufficient. + +The festivities over, the lord did not fail, as soon as his wife had +retired, to wend his way towards the well-glazed, well-carpeted, and +pretty room where he had lodged his lass, his money, his fagots, his +house, his wheat, and his steward. To be brief, know that he found the +maid of Thilouse the sweetest girl in the world, as pretty as +anything, by the soft light of the fire which was gleaming in the +chimney, snug between the sheets, and with a sweet odour about her, as +a young maiden should have, and in fact he had no regret for the great +price of this jewel. Not being able to restrain himself from hurrying +over the first mouthfuls of this royal morsel, the lord treated her +more as a past master than a young beginner. So the happy man by too +much gluttony, managed badly, and in fact knew nothing of the sweet +business of love. Finding which, the good wench said, after a minute +or two, to her old cavalier, "My lord, if you are there, as I think +you are, give a little more swing to your bells." + +From this saying, which became spread about, I know not how, Marie +Fiquet became famous, and it is still said in our country, "She is a +maid of Thilouse," in mockery of a bride, and to signify a +"fricquenelle." + +"Fricquenelle" is said of a girl I do not wish you to find in your +arms on your wedding night, unless you have been brought up in the +philosophy of Zeno, which puts up with anything, and there are many +people obliged to be Stoics in this funny situation, which is often +met with, for Nature turns, but changes not, and there are always good +maids of Thilouse to be found in Touraine, and elsewhere. Now if you +asked me in what consists, or where comes in, the moral of this tale? +I am at liberty to reply to the ladies; that the Cent Contes +Drolatiques are made more to teach the moral of pleasure than to +procure the pleasure of pointing a moral. But if it were a used up old +rascal who asked me, I should say to him with all the respect due to +his yellow or grey locks; that God wishes to punish the lord of +Valennes, for trying to purchase a jewel made to be given. + + + + THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS + +At the commencement of the reign of King Henry, second of the name, +who loved so well the fair Diana, there existed still a ceremony of +which the usage has since become much weakened, and which has +altogether disappeared, like an infinity of the good things of the +olden times. This fine and noble custom was the choice which all +knights made of a brother-in-arms. After having recognised each other +as two loyal and brave men, each one of this pretty couple was married +for life to the other; both became brothers, the one had to defend the +other in battling against the enemies who threatened him, and at Court +against the friends who slandered him. In the absence of his companion +the other was expected to say to one who should have accused his good +brother of any disloyalty, wickedness or dark felony, "You have lied +by your throat," and so go into the field instantly, so sure was the +one of the honour of the other. There is no need to add, that the one +was always the second of the other in all affairs, good or evil, and +that they shared all good or evil fortune. They were better than the +brothers who are only united by the hazard of nature, since they were +fraternised by the bonds of an especial sentiment, involuntary and +mutual, and thus the fraternity of arms has produced splendid +characters, as brave as those of the ancient Greeks, Romans, or +others. . . . But this is not my subject; the history of these things +has been written by the historians of our country, and everyone knows +them. + +Now at this time two young gentlemen of Touraine, of whom one was the +Cadet of Maille, and the other Sieur de Lavalliere, became +brothers-in-arms on the day they gained their spurs. They were leaving +the house of Monsieur de Montmorency, where they had been nourished with +the good doctrines of this great Captain, and had shown how contagious +is valour in such good company, for at the battle of Ravenna they +merited the praises of the oldest knights. It was in the thick of this +fierce fight that Maille, saved by the said Lavalliere, with whom he +had had a quarrel or two, perceived that this gentleman had a noble +heart. As they had each received slashes in the doublets, they +baptised their fraternity with their blood, and were ministered to +together in one and the same bed under the tent of Monsieur de +Montmorency their master. It is necessary to inform you that, contrary +to the custom of his family, which was always to have a pretty face, +the Cadet of Maille was not of a pleasing physiognomy, and had +scarcely any beauty but that of the devil. For the rest he was lithe +as a greyhound, broad shouldered and strongly built as King Pepin, who +was a terrible antagonist. On the other hand, the Sieur de Lavalliere +was a dainty fellow, for whom seemed to have been invented rich laces, +silken hose, and cancellated shoes. His long dark locks were pretty as +a lady's ringlets, and he was, to be brief, a child with whom all the +women would be glad to play. One day the Dauphine, niece of the Pope, +said laughingly to the Queen of Navarre, who did not dislike these +little jokes, "that this page was a plaster to cure every ache," which +caused the pretty little Tourainian to blush, because, being only +sixteen, he took this gallantry as a reproach. + +Now on his return from Italy the Cadet of Maille found the slipper of +marriage ready for his foot, which his mother had obtained for him in +the person of Mademoiselle d'Annebaut, who was a graceful maiden of +good appearance, and well furnished with everything, having a splendid +hotel in the Rue Barbette, with handsome furniture and Italian +paintings and many considerable lands to inherit. Some days after the +death of King Francis--a circumstance which planted terror in the +heart of everyone, because his said Majesty had died in consequence of +an attack of the Neapolitan sickness, and that for the future there +would be no security even with princesses of the highest birth--the +above-named Maille was compelled to quit the Court in order to go and +arrange certain affairs of great importance in Piedmont. You may be +sure that he was very loath to leave his good wife, so young, so +delicate, so sprightly, in the midst of the dangers, temptations, +snares and pitfalls of this gallant assemblage, which comprised so +many handsome fellows, bold as eagles, proud of mein, and as fond of +women as the people are partial to Paschal hams. In this state of +intense jealousy everything made him ill at ease; but by dint of much +thinking, it occurred to him to make sure of his wife in the manner +about to be related. He invited his good brother-in-arms to come at +daybreak on the morning of his departure. Now directly he heard +Lavalliere's horse in the courtyard, he leaped out of bed, leaving his +sweet and fair better-half sleeping that gentle, dreamy, dozing sleep +so beloved by dainty ladies and lazy people. Lavalliere came to him, +and the two companions, hidden in the embrasure of the window, greeted +each other with a loyal clasp of the hand, and immediately Lavalliere +said to Maille-- + +"I should have been here last night in answer to thy summons, but I +had a love suit on with my lady, who had given me an assignation; I +could in no way fail to keep it, but I quitted her at dawn. Shall I +accompany thee? I have told her of thy departure, she has promised me +to remain without any amour; we have made a compact. If she deceives +me--well a friend is worth more than a mistress!" + +"Oh! my good brother" replied the Maille, quite overcome with these +words, "I wish to demand of thee a still higher proof of thy brave +heart. Wilt thou take charge of my wife, defend her against all, be +her guide, keep her in check and answer to me for the integrity of my +head? Thou canst stay here during my absence, in the green-room, and +be my wife's cavalier." + +Lavalliere knitted his brow and said-- + +"It is neither thee nor thy wife that I fear, but evil-minded people, +who will take advantage of this to entangle us like skeins of silk." + +"Do not be afraid of me," replied Maille, clasping Lavalliere to his +breast. "If it be the divine will of the Almighty that I should have +the misfortune to be a cuckold, I should be less grieved if it were to +your advantage. But by my faith I should die of grief, for my life is +bound up in my good, young, virtuous wife." + +Saying which, he turned away his head, in order that Lavalliere should +not perceive the tears in his eyes; but the fine courtier saw this +flow of water, and taking the hand of Maille-- + +"Brother," said he to him, "I swear to thee on my honour as a man, +that before anyone lays a finger on thy wife, he shall have felt my +dagger in the depth of his veins! And unless I should die, thou shalt +find her on thy return, intact in body if not in heart, because +thought is beyond the control of gentlemen." + +"It is then decreed above," exclaimed Maille, "that I shall always be +thy servant and thy debtor!" + +Thereupon the comrade departed, in order not to be inundated with the +tears, exclamations, and other expressions of grief which ladies make +use of when saying "Farewell." Lavalliere having conducted him to the +gate of the town, came back to the hotel, waited until Marie +d'Annebaut was out of bed, informed her of the departure of her good +husband, and offered to place himself at her orders, in such a +graceful manner, that the most virtuous woman would have been tickled +with a desire to keep such a knight to herself. But there was no need +of this fine paternoster to indoctrinate the lady, seeing that she had +listened to the discourse of the two friends, and was greatly offended +at her husband's doubt. Alas! God alone is perfect! In all the ideas +of men there is always a bad side, and it is therefore a great science +in life, but an impossible science, to take hold of everything, even a +stick by the right end. The cause of the great difficulty there is in +pleasing the ladies is, that there is it in them a thing which is more +woman than they are, and but for the respect which is due to them, I +would use another word. Now we should never awaken the phantasy of +this malevolent thing. The perfect government of woman is a task to +rend a man's heart, and we are compelled to remain in perfect +submission to them; that is, I imagine, the best manner in which to +solve the most agonising enigma of marriage. + +Now Marie d'Annebaut was delighted with the bearing and offers of this +gallant; but there was something in her smile which indicated a +malicious idea, and, to speak plainly, the intention of putting her +young guardian between honour and pleasure; to regale him so with +love, to surround him with so many little attentions, to pursue him +with such warm glances, that he would be faithless to friendship, to +the advantage of gallantry. + +Everything was in perfect trim for the carrying out of her design, +because of the companionship which the Sire de Lavalliere would be +obliged to have with her during his stay in the hotel, and as there is +nothing in the world can turn a woman from her whim, at every turn the +artful jade was ready to catch him in a trap. + +At times she would make him remain seated near her by the fire, until +twelve o'clock at night, singing soft refrains, and at every +opportunity showed her fair shoulders, and the white temptations of +which her corset was full, and casting upon him a thousand piercing +glances, all without showing in her face the thoughts that surged in +her brain. + +At times she would walk with him in the morning, in the gardens of the +hotel, leaning heavily upon his arm, pressing it, sighing, and making +him tie the laces of her little shoes, which were always coming undone +in that particular place. Then it would be those soft words and things +which the ladies understand so well, little attentions paid to a +guest, such as coming in to see if he were comfortable, if his bed +were well made, the room clean, if the ventilation were good, if he +felt any draughts in the night, if the sun came in during the day, and +asking him to forgo none of his usual fancies and habits, saying-- + +"Are you accustomed to take anything in the morning in bed, such as +honey, milk, or spice? Do the meal times suit you? I will conform mine +to yours: tell me. You are afraid to ask me. Come--" + +She accompanied these coddling little attentions with a hundred +affected speeches; for instance, on coming into the room she would +say-- + +"I am intruding, send me away. You want to be left alone--I will go." +And always was she graciously invited to remain. + +And the cunning Madame always came lightly attired, showing samples of +her beauty, which would have made a patriarch neigh, even were he as +much battered by time as must have been Mr. Methusaleh, with his nine +hundred and sixty years. + +That good knight being as sharp as a needle, let the lady go on with +her tricks, much pleased to see her occupy herself with him, since it +was so much gained; but like a loyal brother, he always called her +absent husband to the lady's mind. + +Now one evening--the day had been very warm--Lavalliere suspecting the +lady's games, told her that Maille loved her dearly, that she had in +him a man of honour, a gentleman who doted on her, and was ticklish on +the score of his crown. + +"Why then, if he is so ticklish in this manner, has he placed you +here?" + +"Was it not a most prudent thing?" replied he. "Was it not necessary +to confide you to some defender of your virtue? Not that it needs one +save to protect you from wicked men." + +"Then you are my guardian?" said she. + +"I am proud of it!" exclaimed Lavalliere. + +"Ah!" said she, "he has made a very bad choice." + +This remark was accompanied by a little look, so lewdly lascivious +that the good brother-in-arms put on, by way of reproach, a severe +countenance, and left the fair lady alone, much piqued at this refusal +to commence love's conflict. + +She remained in deep meditation, and began to search for the real +obstacle that she had encountered, for it was impossible that it +should enter the mind of any lady, that a gentleman could despise that +bagatelle which is of such great price and so high value. Now these +thoughts knitted and joined together so well, one fitting into the +other, that out of little pieces she constructed a perfect whole, and +found herself desperately in love; which should teach the ladies never +to play with a man's weapons, seeing that like glue, they always stick +to the fingers. + +By this means Marie d'Annebaut came to a conclusion which she should +have known at the commencement--viz., that to keep clear of her +snares, the good knight must be smitten with some other lady, and +looking round her, to see where her young guest could have found a +needle-case to his taste, she thought of the fair Limeuil, one of +Queen Catherine's maids, of Mesdames de Nevers, d'Estree, and de Giac, +all of whom were declared friends of Lavalliere, and of the lot he +must love one to distraction. + +From this belief, she added the motive of jealousy to the others which +tempted her to seduce her Argus, whom she did not wish to wound, but +to perfume, kiss his head, and treat kindly. + +She was certainly more beautiful, young, and more appetising and +gentle than her rivals; at least, that was the melodious decree of her +imaginations. So, urged on by the chords and springs of conscience, +and physical causes which affect women, she returned to the charge, to +commence a fresh assault upon the heart of the chevalier, for the +ladies like that which is well fortified. + +Then she played the pussy-cat, and nestled up close to him, became so +sweetly sociable, and wheedled so gently, that one evening when she +was in a desponding state, although merry enough in her inmost soul, +the guardian-brother asked her-- + +"What is the matter with you?" + +To which she replied to him dreamily, being listened to by him as the +sweetest music-- + +That she had married Maille against her heart's will, and that she was +very unhappy; that she knew not the sweets of love; that her husband +did not understand her, and that her life was full of tears. In fact, +that she was a maiden in heart and all, since she confessed in +marriage she had experienced nothing but the reverse of pleasure. And +she added, that surely this holy state should be full of sweetmeats +and dainties of love, because all the ladies hurried into it, and +hated and were jealous of those who out-bid them, for it cost certain +people pretty dear; that she was so curious about it that for one good +day or night of love, she would give her life, and always be obedient +to her lover without a murmur; but that he with whom she would sooner +than all others try the experiment would not listen to her; that, +nevertheless, the secret of their love might be kept eternally, so +great was her husband's confidence in him, and that finally if he +still refused it would kill her. + +And all these paraphrases of the common canticle known to the ladies +at their birth were ejaculated between a thousand pauses, interrupted +with sighs torn from the heart, ornamented with quiverings, appeals to +heaven, upturned eyes, sudden blushings and clutchings at her hair. In +fact, no ingredient of temptation was lacking in the dish, and at the +bottom of all these words there was a nipping desire which embellished +even its blemishes. The good knight fell at the lady's feet, and +weeping took them and kissed them, and you may be sure the good woman +was quite delighted to let him kiss them, and even without looking too +carefully to see what she was going to do, she abandoned her dress to +him, knowing well that to keep it from sweeping the ground it must be +taken at the bottom to raise it; but it was written that for that +evening she should be good, for the handsome Lavalliere said to her +with despair-- + +"Ah, madame, I am an unfortunate man and a wretch." + +"Not at all," said she. + +"Alas, the joy of loving you is denied to me." + +"How?" said she. + +"I dare not confess my situation to you!" + +"Is it then very bad?" + +"Ah, you will be ashamed of me!" + +"Speak, I will hide my face in my hands," and the cunning madame hid +her face is such a way that she could look at her well-beloved between +her fingers. + +"Alas!" said he, "the other evening when you addressed me in such +gracious words, I was so treacherously inflamed, that not knowing my +happiness to be so near, and not daring to confess my flame to you, I +ran to a Bordel where all the gentleman go, and there for love of you, +and to save the honour of my brother whose head I should blush to +dishonour, I was so badly infected that I am in great danger of dying +of the Italian sickness." + +The lady, seized with terror, gave vent to the cry of a woman in +labour, and with great emotion, repulsed him with a gentle little +gesture. Poor Lavalliere, finding himself in so pitiable state, went +out of the room, but he had not even reached the tapestries of the +door, when Marie d'Annebaut again contemplated him, saying to herself, +"Ah! what a pity!" Then she fell into a state of great melancholy, +pitying in herself the gentleman, and became the more in love with him +because he was fruit three times forbidden. + +"But for Maille," said she to him, one evening that she thought him +handsomer than unusual, "I would willingly take your disease. Together +we should then have the same terrors." + +"I love you too well," said the brother, "not to be good." + +And he left her to go to his beautiful Limeuil. You can imagine that +being unable to refuse to receive the burning glances of the lady, +during meal times, and the evenings, there was a fire nourished that +warmed them both, but she was compelled to live without touching her +cavalier, otherwise than with her eyes. Thus occupied, Marie +d'Annebaut was fortified at every point against the gallants of the +Court, for there are no bounds so impassable as those of love, and no +better guardian; it is like the devil, he whom it has in its clutches +it surrounds with flames. One evening, Lavalliere having escorted his +friend's wife to a dance given by Queen Catherine, he danced with the +fair Limeuil, with whom he was madly in love. At that time the knights +carried on their amours bravely two by two, and even in troops. Now +all the ladies were jealous of La Limeuil, who at that time was +thinking of yielding to the handsome Lavalliere. Before taking their +places in the quadrille, she had given him the sweetest of +assignations for the morrow, during the hunt. Our great Queen +Catherine, who from political motives fermented these loves and +stirred them up, like pastrycooks make the oven fires burn by poking, +glanced at all the pretty couples interwoven in the quadrille, and +said to her husband-- + +"When they combat here, can they conspire against you, eh?" + +"Ah! but the Protestants?" + +"Bah! have them here as well," said she, laughing. "Why, look at +Lavalliere, who is suspected to be a Huguenot; he is converted by my +dear little Limeuil, who does not play her cards badly for a young +lady of sixteen. He will soon have her name down in his list." + +"Ah, Madame! do not believe it," said Marie d'Annebaut, "he is ruined +through that same sickness of Naples which made you queen." + +At this artless confession, Catherine, the fair Diana, and the king, +who were sitting together, burst out laughing, and the thing ran round +the room. This brought endless shame and mockery upon Lavalliere. The +poor gentleman, pointed at by everyone, soon wished somebody else in +his shoes, for La Limeuil, who his rivals had not been slow laughingly +to warn of her danger, appeared to shrink from her lover, so rapid was +the spread, and so violent the apprehensions of this nasty disease. +Thus Lavalliere found himself abandoned by everyone like a leper. The +king made an offensive remark, and the good knight quitted the +ball-room, followed by poor Marie in despair at the speech. She had in +every way ruined the man she loved: she had destroyed his honour, and +marred his life, since the physicians and master surgeons advance as a +fact, incapable of contradiction, that persons Italianised by this +love sickness, lost through it their greatest attractions, as well as +their generative powers, and their bones went black. + +Thus no woman would bind herself in legitimate marriage with the +finest gentlemen in the kingdom if he were only suspected of being one +of those whom Master Frances Rabelais named "his very precious scabby +ones. . . . ." + +As the handsome knight was very silent and melancholy, his companion +said to him on the road home from Hercules House, where the fete had +been held-- + +"My dear lord, I have done you a great mischief." + +"Ah, madame!" replied Lavalliere, "my hurt is curable; but into what a +predicament have you fallen? You should not have been aware of the +danger of my love." + +"Ah!" said she, "I am sure now always to have you to myself; in +exchange for this great obloquy and dishonour, I will be forever your +friend, your hostess, and your lady-love--more than that, your +servant. My determination is to devote myself to you and efface the +traces of this shame; to cure you by a watch and ward; and if the +learned in these matters declare that the disease has such a hold of +you that it will kill you like our defunct sovereign, I must still +have your company in order to die gloriously in dying of your +complaint. Even then," said she, weeping, "that will not be penance +enough to atone for the wrong I have done you." + +These words were accompanied with big tears; her virtuous heart waxed +faint, she fell to the ground exhausted. Lavalliere, terrified, caught +her and placed his hand upon her heart, below a breast of matchless +beauty. The lady revived at the warmth of this beloved hand, +experiencing such exquisite delights as nearly to make her again +unconscious. + +"Alas!" said she, "this sly and superficial caress will be for the +future the only pleasure of our love. It will still be a hundred times +better than the joys which poor Maille fancies he is bestowing on me. +. . . Leave your hand there," said she; "verily it is upon my soul, +and touches it." + +At these words the knight was in a pitiful plight, and innocently +confessed to the Lady that he experienced so much pleasure at this +touch that the pains of his malady increased, and that death was +preferable to this martyrdom. + +"Let us die then," said she. + +But the litter was in the courtyard of the hotel, and as the means of +death was not handy, each one slept far from the other, heavily +weighed down with love, Lavalliere having lost his fair Limeuil, and +Marie d'Annebaut having gained pleasures without parallel. + +From this affair, which was quite unforeseen, Lavalliere found himself +under the ban of love and marriage and dared no longer appear in +public, and he found how much it costs to guard the virtue of a woman; +but the more honour and virtue he displayed the more pleasure did he +experience in these great sacrifices offered at the shrine of +brotherhood. Nevertheless, his duty was very bitter, very ticklish, +and intolerable to perform, towards the last days of his guard. And in +this way. + +The confession of her love, which she believed was returned, the wrong +done by her to her cavalier, and the experience of an unknown +pleasure, emboldened the fair Marie, who fell into a platonic love, +gently tempered with those little indulgences in which there is no +danger. From this cause sprang the diabolical pleasures of the game +invented by the ladies, who since the death of Francis the First +feared the contagion, but wished to gratify their lovers. To these +cruel delights, in order to properly play his part, Lavalliere could +not refuse his sanction. Thus every evening the mournful Marie would +attach her guest to her petticoats, holding his hand, kissing him with +burning glances, her cheek placed gently against his, and during this +virtuous embrace, in which the knight was held like the devil by a +holy water brush, she told him of her great love, which was boundless +since it stretched through the infinite spaces of unsatisfied desire. +All the fire with which the ladies endow their substantial amours, +when the night has no other lights than their eyes, she transferred +into the mystic motions of her head, the exultations of her soul, and +the ecstasies of her heart. Then, naturally, and with the delicious +joy of two angels united by thought alone, they intoned together those +sweet litanies repeated by the lovers of the period in honour of +love--anthems which the abbot of Theleme has paragraphically saved +from oblivion by engraving them on the walls of his Abbey, situated, +according to master Alcofribas, in our land of Chinon, where I have +seen them in Latin, and have translated them for the benefit of +Christians. + +"Alas!" said Marie d'Annebaut, "thou art my strength and my life, my +joy and my treasure." + +"And you," replied he "you are a pearl, an angel." + +"Thou art my seraphim." + +"You my soul." + +"Thou my God." + +"You my evening star and morning star, my honour, my beauty, my +universe." + +"Thou my great my divine master." + +"You my glory, my faith, my religion." + +"Thou my gentle one, my handsome one, my courageous one, my dear one, +my cavalier, my defender, my king, my love." + +"You my fairy, the flower of my days, the dream of my nights." + +"Thou my thought at every moment." + +"You the delights of my eyes." + +"Thou the voice of my soul." + +"You my light by day." + +"Thou my glimmer in the night." + +"You the best beloved among women." + +"Thou the most adored of men." + +"You my blood, a myself better than myself." + +"Thou art my heart, my lustre." + +"You my saint, my only joy." + +"I yield thee the palm of love, and how great so'er mine be, I believe +thou lovest me still more, for thou art the lord." + +"No; the palm is yours, my goddess, my Virgin Marie." + +"No; I am thy servant, thine handmaiden, a nothing thou canst crush to +atoms." + +"No, no! it is I who am your slave, your faithful page, whom you see +as a breath of air, upon whom you can walk as on a carpet. My heart is +your throne." + +"No, dearest, for thy voice transfigures me." + +"Your regard burns me." + +"I see but thee." + +"I love but you." + +"Oh! put thine hand upon my heart--only thine hand--and thou will see +me pale, when my blood shall have taken the heat of thine." + +Then during these struggles their eyes, already ardent, flamed still +more brightly, and the good knight was a little the accomplice of the +pleasure which Marie d'Annebaut took in feeling his hand upon her +heart. Now, as in this light embrace all their strength was put forth, +all their desires strained, all their ideas of the thing concentrated, +it happened that the knight's transport reached a climax. Their eyes +wept warm tears, they seized each other hard and fast as fire seizes +houses; but that was all. Lavalliere had promised to return safe and +sound to his friend the body only, not the heart. + +When Maille announced his return, it was quite time, since no virtue +could avoid melting upon this gridiron; and the less licence the +lovers had, the more pleasure they had in their fantasies. + +Leaving Marie d'Annebaut, the good companion in arms went as far as +Bondy to meet his friend, to help him to pass through the forest +without accident, and the two brothers slept together, according to +the ancient custom, in the village of Bondy. + +There, in their bed, they recounted to each other, one of the +adventures of his journey, the other the gossip of the camp, stories +of gallantry, and the rest. But Maille's first question was touching +Marie d'Annebaut, whom Lavalliere swore to be intact in that precious +place where the honour of husbands is lodged; at which the amorous +Maille was highly delighted. + +On the morrow, they were all three re-united, to the great disgust of +Marie, who, with the high jurisprudence of women, made a great fuss +with her good husband, but with her finger she indicated her heart in +an artless manner to Lavalliere, as one who said, "This is thine!" + +At supper Lavalliere announced his departure for the wars. Maille was +much grieved at this resolution, and wished to accompany his brother; +that Lavalliere refused him point blank. + +"Madame," said he to Marie d'Annebaut, "I love you more than life, but +not more than honour." + +He turned pale saying this, and Madame de Maille blanched hearing him, +because never in their amorous dalliance had there been so much true +love as in this speech. Maille insisted on keeping his friend company +as far as Meaux. When he came back he was talking over with his wife +the unknown reasons and secret causes of this departure, when Marie, +who suspected the grief of poor Lavalliere said, "I know: he is +ashamed to stop here because he has the Neapolitan sickness." + +"He!" said Maille, quite astonished. "I saw him when we were in bed +together at Bondy the other evening, and yesterday at Meaux. There's +nothing the matter with him; he is as sound as a bell." + +The lady burst into tears, admiring this great loyalty, the sublime +resignation to his oath, and the extreme sufferings of this internal +passion. But as she still kept her love in the recesses of her heart, +she died when Lavalliere fell before Metz, as has been elsewhere +related by Messire Bourdeilles de Brantome in his tittle-tattle. + + + + THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU + +In those days the priests no longer took any woman in legitimate +marriage, but kept good mistresses as pretty as they could get; which +custom has since been interdicted by the council, as everyone knows, +because, indeed, it was not pleasant that the private confessions of +people should be retold to a wench who would laugh at them, besides +the other secret doctrines, ecclesiastical arrangements, and +speculations which are part and parcel of the politics of the Church +of Rome. The last priest in our country who theologically kept a woman +in his parsonage, regaling her with his scholastic love, was a certain +vicar of Azay-le-Ridel, a place later on most aptly named as +Azay-le-Brule, and now Azay-le-Rideau, whose castle is one of the +marvels of Touraine. Now this said period, when the women were not +averse to the odour of the priesthood, is not so far distant as some +may think, Monsieur D'Orgemont, son of the preceding bishop, still +held the see of Paris, and the great quarrels of the Armagnacs had not +finished. To tell the truth, this vicar did well to have his vicarage +in that age, since he was well shapen, of a high colour, stout, big, +strong, eating and drinking like a convalescent, and indeed, was +always rising from a little malady that attacked him at certain times; +and, later on, he would have been his own executioner, had he +determined to observe his canonical continence. Add to this that he +was a Tourainian, id est, dark, and had in his eyes flame to light, +and water to quench all the domestic furnaces that required lighting +or quenching; and never since at Azay has been such vicar seen! A +handsome vicar was he, square-shouldered, fresh coloured, always +blessing and chuckling, preferred weddings and christenings to +funerals, a good joker, pious in Church, and a man in everything. +There have been many vicars who have drunk well and eaten well; others +who have blessed abundantly and chuckled consumedly; but all of them +together would hardly make up the sterling worth of this aforesaid +vicar; and he alone has worthily filled his post with benedictions, +has held it with joy, and in it has consoled the afflicted, all so +well, that no one saw him come out of his house without wishing to be +in his heart, so much was he beloved. It was he who first said in a +sermon that the devil was not so black as he was painted, and who for +Madame de Cande transformed partridges into fish saying that the perch +of the Indre were partridges of the river, and, on the other hand, +partridges perch in the air. He never played artful tricks under the +cloak of morality, and often said, jokingly, he would rather be in a +good bed then in anybody's will, that he had plenty of everything, and +wanted nothing. As for the poor and suffering, never did those who +came to ask for wool at the vicarage go away shorn, for his hand was +always in his pocket, and he melted (he who in all else was so firm) +at the sight of all this misery and infirmity, and he endeavoured to +heal all their wounds. There have been many good stories told +concerning this king of vicars. It was he who caused such hearty +laughter at the wedding of the lord of Valennes, near Sacche. The +mother of the said lord had a good deal to do with the victuals, roast +meats and other delicacies, of which there was sufficient quantity to +feed a small town at least, and it is true, at the same time, that +people came to the wedding from Montbazon, from Tours, from Chinon, +from Langeais, and from everywhere, and stopped eight days. + +Now the good vicar, as he was going into the room where the company +were enjoying themselves, met the little kitchen boy, who wished to +inform Madame that all the elementary substances and fat rudiments, +syrups, and sauces, were in readiness for a pudding of great delicacy, +the secret compilation, mixing, and manipulation of which she wished +herself to superintend, intending it as a special treat for her +daughter-in-law's relations. Our vicar gave the boy a tap on the +cheek, telling him that he was too greasy and dirty to show himself to +people of high rank, and that he himself would deliver the said +message. The merry fellow pushes open the door, shapes the fingers of +his left hand into the form of a sheath, and moves gently therein the +middle finger of his right, at the same time looking at the lady of +Valennes, and saying to her, "Come, all is ready." Those who did not +understand the affair burst out laughing to see Madame get up and go +to the vicar, because she knew he referred to the pudding, and not to +that which the others imagined. + +But a true story is that concerning the manner in which this worthy +pastor lost his mistress, to whom the ecclesiastical authorities +allowed no successor; but, as for that, the vicar did not want for +domestic utensils. In the parish everyone thought it an honour to lend +him theirs, the more readily because he was not the man to spoil +anything, and was careful to clean them out thoroughly, the dear man. +But here are the facts. One evening the good man came home to supper +with a melancholy face, because he had just put into the ground a good +farmer, whose death came about in a strange manner, and is still +frequently talked about in Azay. Seeing that he only ate with the end +of his teeth, and turned up his nose at a dish of tripe, which had +been cooked in his own special manner, his good woman said to him-- + +"Have you passed before the Lombard (see _Master Cornelius, passim_), met +two black crows, or seen the dead man turn in his grave, that you are +so upset?" + +"Oh! Oh!" + +"Has anyone deceived you?" + +"Ha! Ha!" + +"Come, tell me!" + +"My dear, I am still quite overcome at the death of poor Cochegrue, +and there is not at the present moment a good housewife's tongue or a +virtuous cuckold's lips that are not talking about it." + +"And what was it?" + +"Listen! This poor Cochegrue was returning from market, having sold +his corn and two fat pigs. He was riding his pretty mare, who, near +Azay, commenced to caper about without the slightest cause, and poor +Cochegrue trotted and ambled along counting his profits. At the corner +of the old road of the Landes de Charlemagne, they came upon a +stallion kept by the Sieur de la Carte, in a field, in order to have a +good breed of horses, because the said animal was fleet of foot, as +handsome as an abbot, and so high and mighty that the admiral who came +to see it, said it was a beast of the first quality. This cursed horse +scented the pretty mare; like a cunning beast, neither neighed nor +gave vent to any equine ejaculation, but when she was close to the +road, leaped over forty rows of vines and galloped after her, pawing +the ground with his iron shoes, discharging the artillery of a lover +who longs for an embrace, giving forth sounds to set the strongest +teeth on edge, and so loudly, that the people of Champy heard it and +were much terrified thereat. + +"Cochegrue, suspecting the affair, makes for the moors, spurs his +amorous mare, relying upon her rapid pace, and indeed, the good mare +understands, obeys, and flies--flies like a bird, but a bowshot off +follows the blessed horse, thundering along the road like a blacksmith +beating iron, and at full speed, his mane flying in the wind, replying +to the sound of the mare's swift gallop with his terrible pat-a-pan! +pat-a-pan! Then the good farmer, feeling death following him in the +love of the beast, spurs anew his mare, and harder still she gallops, +until at last, pale and half dead with fear, he reaches the outer yard +of his farmhouse, but finding the door of the stable shut he cries, +'Help here! Wife!' Then he turned round on his mare, thinking to avoid +the cursed beast whose love was burning, who was wild with passion, +and growing more amorous every moment, to the great danger of the +mare. His family, horrified at the danger, did not go to open the +stable door, fearing the strange embrace and the kicks of the +iron-shod lover. At last, Cochegrue's wife went, but just as the good +mare was half way through the door, the cursed stallion seized her, +squeezed her, gave her a wild greeting, with his two legs gripped her, +pinched her and held her tight, and at the same time so kneaded and +knocked about Cochegrue that there was only found of him a shapeless +mass, crushed like a nut after the oil has been distilled from it. It +was shocking to see him squashed alive and mingling his cries with the +loud love-sighs of the horse." + +"Oh! the mare!" exclaimed the vicar's good wench. + +"What!" said the priest astonished. + +"Certainly. You men wouldn't have cracked a plumstone for us." + +"There," answered the vicar, "you wrong me." The good man threw her so +angrily upon the bed, attacked and treated her so violently that she +split into pieces, and died immediately without either surgeons or +physicians being able to determine the manner in which the solution of +continuity was arrived at, so violently disjointed were the hinges and +mesial partitions. You can imagine that he was a proud man, and a +splendid vicar as has been previously stated. + +The good people of the country, even the women, agreed that he was not +to blame, but that his conduct was warranted by the circumstances. + +From this, perhaps, came the proverb so much in use at that time, Que +l'aze le saille! The which proverb is really so much coarser in its +actual wording, that out of respect for the ladies I will not mention +it. But this was not the only clever thing that this great and noble +vicar achieved, for before this misfortune he did such a stroke of +business that no robbers dare ask him how many angels he had in his +pocket, even had they been twenty strong and over to attack him. One +evening when his good woman was still with him, after supper, during +which he had enjoyed his goose, his wench, his wine, and everything, +and was reclining in his chair thinking where he could build a new +barn for the tithes, a message came for him from the lord of Sacche, +who was giving up the ghost and wished to reconcile himself with God, +receive the sacrament, and go through the usual ceremonies. "He is a +good man and loyal lord. I will go." said he. Thereupon he passed into +the church, took the silver box where the blessed bread is, rang the +little bell himself in order not to wake the clerk, and went lightly +and willingly along the roads. Near the Gue-droit, which is a valley +leading to the Indre across the moors, our good vicar perceived a high +toby. And what is a high toby? It is a clerk of St. Nicholas. Well, +what is that? That means a person who sees clearly on a dark night, +instructs himself by examining and turning over purses, and takes his +degrees on the high road. Do you understand now? Well then, the high +toby waited for the silver box, which he knew to be of great value. + +"Oh! oh!" said the priest, putting down the sacred vase on a stone at +the corner of the bridge, "stop thou there without moving." + +Then he walked up to the robber, tipped him up, seized his loaded +stick, and when the rascal got up to struggle with him, he gutted him +with a blow well planted in the middle of his stomach. Then he picked +up the viaticum again, saying bravely to it: "Ah! If I had relied upon +thy providence, we should have been lost." Now to utter these impious +words on the road to Sacche was mere waste of breath, seeing that he +addressed them not to God, but to the Archbishop of Tours, who have +once severely rebuked him, threatened him with suspension, and +admonished him before the Chapter for having publicly told certain +lazy people that a good harvest was not due to the grace of God, but +to skilled labour and hard work--a doctrine which smelt of the fagot. +And indeed he was wrong, because the fruits of the earth have need +both of one and the other; but he died in this heresy, for he could +never understand how crops could come without digging, if God so +willed it--a doctrine that learned men have since proved to be true, +by showing that formerly wheat grew very well without the aid of man. +I cannot leave this splendid model of a pastor without giving here one +of the acts of his life, which proves with what fervour he imitated +the saints in the division of their goods and mantles, which they gave +formerly to the poor and the passers-by. One day, returning from +Tours, where he had been paying his respects to the official, mounted +on his mule, he was nearing Azay. On the way, just out side Ballan, he +met a pretty girl on foot, and was grieved to see a woman travelling +like a dog; the more so as she was visibly fatigued, and could +scarcely raise one foot before the other. He whistled to her softly, +and the pretty wench turned round and stopped. The good priest, who +was too good a sportsman to frighten the birds, especially the hooded +ones, begged her so gently to ride behind him on his mule, and in so +polite a fashion, that the lass got up; not without making those +little excuses and grimaces that they all make when one invites them +to eat, or to take what they like. The sheep paired off with the +shepherd, the mule jogged along after the fashion of mules, while the +girl slipped now this way now that, riding so uncomfortably that the +priest pointed out to her, after leaving Ballan, that she had better +hold on to him; and immediately my lady put her plump arms around the +waist of her cavalier, in a modest and timorous manner. + +"There, you don't slip about now. Are you comfortable?" said the +vicar. + +"Yes, I am comfortable. Are you?" + +"I?" said the priest, "I am better than that." + +And, in fact, he was quite at his ease, and was soon gently warmed in +the back by two projections which rubbed against it, and at last +seemed as though they wished to imprint themselves between his +shoulder blades, which would have been a pity, as that was not the +place for this white merchandise. By degrees the movement of mule +brought into conjunction the internal warmth of these two good riders, +and their blood coursed more quickly through their veins, seeing that +it felt the motion of the mule as well as their own; and thus the good +wench and the vicar finished by knowing each other's thoughts, but not +those of the mule. When they were both acclimatised, he with her and +she with him, they felt an internal disturbance which resolved itself +into secret desires. + +"Ah!" said the vicar, turning round to his companion, "here is a fine +cluster of trees which has grown very thick." + +"It is too near the road," replied the girl. "Bad boys have cut the +branches, and the cows have eaten the young leaves." + +"Are you not married?" asked the vicar, trotting his animal again. + +"No," said she. + +"Not at all?" + +"I'faith! No!" + +"What a shame, at your age!" + +"You are right, sir; but you see, a poor girl who has had a child is a +bad bargain." + +Then the good vicar taking pity on such ignorance, and knowing that +the canons say among other things that pastors should indoctrinate +their flock and show them the duties and responsibilities of this +life, he thought he would only be discharging the functions of his +office by showing her the burden she would have one day to bear. Then +he begged her gently not be afraid, for if she would have faith in his +loyalty no one should ever know of the marital experiment which he +proposed then and there to perform with her; and as, since passing +Ballan the girl had thought of nothing else; as her desire had been +carefully sustained, and augmented by the warm movements of the +animal, she replied harshly to the vicar, "if you talk thus I will get +down." Then the good vicar continued his gentle requests so well that +on reaching the wood of Azay the girl wished to get down, and the +priest got down there too, for it was not across a horse that this +discussion could be finished. Then the virtuous maiden ran into the +thickest part of the wood to get away from the vicar, calling out, +"Oh, you wicked man, you shan't know where I am." + +The mule arrived in a glade where the grass was good, the girl tumbled +down over a root and blushed. The good vicar came to her, and there as +he had rung the bell for mass he went through the service for her, and +both freely discounted the joys of paradise. The good priest had it in +his heart to thoroughly instruct her, and found his pupil very docile, +as gentle in mind as soft in the flesh, a perfect jewel. Therefore was +he much aggrieved at having so much abridged the lessons by giving it +at Azay, seeing that he would have been quite willing to recommence +it, like all of precentors who say the same thing over and over again +to their pupils. + +"Ah! little one," cried the good man, "why did you make so much fuss +that we only came to an understanding close to Azay?" + +"Ah!" said she, "I belong to Bellan." + +To be brief, I must tell you that when this good man died in his +vicarage there was a great number of people, children and others, who +came, sorrowful, afflicted, weeping, and grieved, and all exclaimed, +"Ah! we have lost our father." And the girls, the widows, the wives +and little girls looked at each other, regretting him more than a +friend, and said, "He was more than a priest, he was a man!" Of these +vicars the seed is cast to the winds, and they will never be +reproduced in spite of the seminaries. + +Why, even the poor, to whom his savings were left, found themselves +still the losers, and an old cripple whom he had succoured hobbled +into the churchyard, crying "I don't die! I don't!" meaning to say, +"Why did not death take me in his place?" This made some of the people +laugh, at which the shade of the good vicar would certainly not have +been displeased. + + + + THE REPROACH + +The fair laundress of Portillon-les-Tours, of whom a droll saying has +already been given in this book, was a girl blessed with as much +cunning as if she had stolen that of six priests and three women at +least. She did not want for sweethearts, and had so many that one +would have compared them, seeing them around her, to bees swarming of +an evening towards their hive. An old silk dyer, who lived in the Rue +St. Montfumier, and there possessed a house of scandalous +magnificence, coming from his place at La Grenadiere, situated on the +fair borders of St. Cyr, passed on horseback through Portillon in +order to gain the Bridge of Tours. By reason of the warmth of the +evening, he was seized with a wild desire on seeing the pretty +washerwoman sitting upon her door-step. Now as for a very long time he +had dreamed of this pretty maid, his resolution was taken to make her +his wife, and in a short time she was transformed from a washerwoman +into a dyer's wife, a good townswoman, with laces, fine linen, and +furniture to spare, and was happy in spite of the dyer, seeing that +she knew very well how to manage him. The good dyer had for a crony a +silk machinery manufacturer who was small in stature, deformed for +life, and full of wickedness. So on the wedding-day he said to the +dyer, "You have done well to marry, my friend, we shall have a pretty +wife!"; and a thousand sly jokes, such as it is usual to address to a +bridegroom. + +In fact, this hunchback courted the dyer's wife, who from her nature, +caring little for badly built people, laughed to scorn the request of +the mechanician, and joked him about the springs, engines, and spools +of which his shop was full. However, this great love of the hunchback +was rebuffed by nothing, and became so irksome to the dyer's wife that +she resolved to cure it by a thousand practical jokes. One evening, +after the sempiternal pursuit, she told her lover to come to the back +door and towards midnight she would open everything to him. Now note, +this was on a winter's night; the Rue St. Montfumier is close to the +Loire, and in this corner there continually blow in winter, winds +sharp as a hundred needle-points. The good hunchback, well muffled up +in his mantle, failed not to come, and trotted up and down to keep +himself warm while waiting for the appointed hour. Towards midnight he +was half frozen, as fidgety as thirty-two devils caught in a stole, +and was about to give up his happiness, when a feeble light passed by +the cracks of the window and came down towards the little door. + +"Ah, it is she!" said he. + +And this hope warned him once more. Then he got close to the door, and +heard a little voice-- + +"Are you there?" said the dyer's wife to him. + +"Yes." + +"Cough, that I may see." + +The hunchback began to cough. + +"It is not you." + +Then the hunchback said aloud-- + +"How do you mean, it is not I? Do you not recognise my voice? Open the +door!" + +"Who's there?" said the dyer, opening the window. + +"There, you have awakened my husband, who returned from Amboise +unexpectedly this evening." + +Thereupon the dyer, seeing by the light of the moon a man at the door, +threw a big pot of cold water over him, and cried out, "Thieves! +thieves!" in such a manner that the hunchback was forced to run away; +but in his fear he failed to clear the chain stretched across the +bottom of the road and fell into the common sewer, which the sheriff +had not then replaced by a sluice to discharge the mud into the Loire. +In this bath the mechanician expected every moment to breathe his +last, and cursed the fair Tascherette, for her husband's name being +Taschereau, she was so called by way of a little joke by the people of +Tours. + +Carandas--for so was named the manufacturer of machines to weave, to +spin, to spool, and to wind the silk--was not sufficiently smitten to +believe in the innocence of the dyer's wife, and swore a devilish hate +against her. But some days afterwards, when he had recovered from his +wetting in the dyer's drain he came up to sup with his old comrade. +Then the dyer's wife reasoned with him so well, flavoured her words +with so much honey, and wheedled him with so many fair promises, that +he dismissed his suspicions. + +He asked for a fresh assignation, and the fair Tascherette with the +face of a woman whose mind is dwelling on a subject, said to him, +"Come tomorrow evening; my husband will be staying some days at +Chinonceaux. The queen wishes to have some of her old dresses dyed and +would settle the colours with him. It will take some time." + +Carandas put on his best clothes, failed not to keep the appointment, +appeared at the time fixed, and found a good supper prepared, +lampreys, wine of Vouvray, fine white napkins--for it was not +necessary to remonstrate with the dyer's wife on the colour of her +linen--and everything so well prepared that it was quite pleasant to +him to see the dishes of fresh eels, to smell the good odour of the +meats, and to admire a thousand little nameless things about the room, +and La Tascherette fresh and appetising as an apple on a hot day. Now, +the mechanician, excited to excess by these warm preparations, was on +the point of attacking the charms of the dyer's wife, when Master +Taschereau gave a loud knock at the street door. + +"Ha!" said madame, "what has happened? Put yourself in the clothes +chest, for I have been much abused respecting you; and if my husband +finds you, he may undo you; he is so violent in his temper." + +And immediately she thrust the hunchback into the chest, and went +quickly to her good husband, whom she knew well would be back from +Chinonceaux to supper. Then the dyer was kissed warmly on both his +eyes and on both his ears and he caught his good wife to him and +bestowed upon her two hearty smacks with his lips that sounded all +over the room. Then the pair sat down to supper, talked together and +finished by going to bed; and the mechanician heard all, though +obliged to remain crumpled up, and not to cough or to make a single +movement. He was in with the linen, crushed up as close as a sardine +in a box, and had about as much air as he would have had at the bottom +of a river; but he had, to divert him, the music of love, the sighs of +the dyer, and the little jokes of La Tascherette. At last, when he +fancied his old comrade was asleep, he made an attempt to get out of +the chest. + +"Who is there?" said the dyer. + +"What is the matter my little one?" said his wife, lifting her nose +above the counterpane. + +"I heard a scratching," said the good man. + +"We shall have rain to-morrow; it's the cat," replied his wife. + +The good husband put his head back upon the pillow after having been +gently embraced by his spouse. "There, my dear, you are a light +sleeper. It's no good trying to make a proper husband of you. There, +be good. Oh! oh! my little papa, your nightcap is on one side. There, +put it on the other way, for you must look pretty even when you are +asleep. There! are you all right?" + +"Yes." + +"Are you sleep?" said she, giving him a kiss. + +"Yes." + +In the morning the dyer's wife came softly and let out the +mechanician, who was whiter than a ghost. + +"Give me air, give me air!" said he. + +And away he ran cured of his love, but with as much hate in his heart +as a pocket could hold of black wheat. The said hunchback left Tours +and went to live in the town of Bruges, where certain merchants had +sent for him to arrange the machinery for making hauberks. + +During his long absence, Carandas, who had Moorish blood in his veins, +since he was descended from an ancient Saracen left half dead after +the great battle which took place between the Moors and the French in +the commune of Bellan (which is mentioned in the preceding tale), in +which place are the Landes of Charlemagne, where nothing grows because +of the cursed wretches and infidels there interred, and where the +grass disagrees even with the cows--this Carandas never rose up or lay +down in a foreign land without thinking of how he could give strength +to his desires of vengeance; and he was dreaming always of it, and +wishing nothing less than the death of the fair washerwoman of +Portillon and often would cry out "I will eat her flesh! I will cook +one of her breasts, and swallow it without sauce!" It was a tremendous +hate of good constitution--a cardinal hate--a hate of a wasp or an old +maid. It was all known hates moulded into one single hate, which +boiled itself, concocted itself, and resolved self into an elixir of +wicked and diabolical sentiments, warmed at the fire of the most +flaming furnaces of hell--it was, in fact, a master hate. + +Now one fine day, the said Carandas came back into Touraine with much +wealth, that he brought from the country of Flanders, where he had +sold his mechanical secrets. He bought a splendid house in Rue St. +Montfumier, which is still to be seen, and is the astonishment of the +passers-by, because it has certain very queer round humps fashioned +upon the stones of the wall. Carandas, the hater, found many notable +changes at the house of his friend, the dyer, for the good man had two +sweet children, who, by a curious chance, presented no resemblance +either to the mother or to the father. But as it is necessary that +children bear a resemblance to someone, there are certain people who +look for the features of their ancestors, when they are +good-looking--the flatters. So it was found by the good husband that +his two boys were like one of his uncles, formerly a priest at Notre +Dame de l'Egrignolles, but according to certain jokers, these two +children were the living portraits of a good-looking shaven crown +officiating in the Church of Notre Dame la Riche, a celebrated parish +situated between Tours and Plessis. Now, believe one thing, and +inculcate it upon your minds, and when in this book you shall only +have gleaned, gathered, extracted, and learned this one principle of +truth, look upon yourself as a lucky man--namely, that a man can never +dispense with his nose, id est, that a man will always be snotty--that +is to say, he will remain a man, and thus will continue throughout all +future centuries to laugh and drink, to find himself in his shirt +without feeling either better or worse there, and will have the same +occupations. But these preparatory ideas are to better to fix in the +understanding that this two-footed soul will always accept as true +those things which flatter his passions, caress his hates, or serve +his amours: from this comes logic. So it was that, the first day the +above-mentioned Carandas saw his old comrade's children, saw the +handsome priest, saw the beautiful wife of the dyer, saw La +Taschereau, all seated at the table, and saw to his detriment the best +piece of lamprey given with a certain air by La Tascherette to her +friend the priest, the mechanician said to himself, "My old friend is +a cuckold, his wife intrigues with the little confessor, and the +children have been begotten with his holy water. I'll show them that +the hunchbacks have something more than other men." + +And this was true--true as it is that Tours has always had its feet in +the Loire, like a pretty girl who bathes herself and plays with the +water, making a flick-flack, by beating the waves with her fair white +hands; for the town is more smiling, merry, loving, fresh, flowery, +and fragrant than all the other towns of the world, which are not +worthy to comb her locks or to buckle her waistband. And be sure if +you go there you will find, in the centre of it, a sweet place, in +which is a delicious street where everyone promenades, where there is +always a breeze, shade, sun, rain, and love. Ha! ha! laugh away, but +go there. It is a street always new, always royal, always imperial--a +patriotic street, a street with two paths, a street open at both ends, +a wide street, a street so large that no one has ever cried, "Out of +the way!" there. A street which does not wear out, a street which +leads to the abbey of Grand-mont, and to a trench, which works very +well with the bridge, and at the end of which is a finer fair ground. +A street well paved, well built, well washed, as clean as a glass, +populous, silent at certain times, a coquette with a sweet nightcap on +its pretty blue tiles--to be short, it is the street where I was born; +it is the queen of streets, always between the earth and sky; a street +with a fountain; a street which lacks nothing to be celebrated among +streets; and, in fact, it is the real street, the only street of +Tours. If there are others, they are dark, muddy, narrow, and damp, +and all come respectfully to salute this noble street, which commands +them. Where am I? For once in this street no one cares to come out of +it, so pleasant it is. But I owed this filial homage, this descriptive +hymn sung from the heart to my natal street, at the corners of which +there are wanting only the brave figures of my good master Rabelais, +and of Monsieur Descartes, both unknown to the people of the country. +To resume: the said Carandas was, on his return from Flanders, +entertained by his comrade, and by all those by whom he was liked for +his jokes, his drollery, and quaint remarks. The good hunchback +appeared cured of his old love, embraced the children, and when he was +alone with the dyer's wife, recalled the night in the clothes-chest, +and the night in the sewer, to her memory, saying to her, "Ha, ha! +what games you used to have with me." + +"It was your own fault," said she, laughing. "If you had allowed +yourself by reason of your great love to be ridiculed, made a fool of, +and bantered a few more times, you might have made an impression on +me, like the others." Thereupon Carandas commenced to laugh, though +inwardly raging all the time. Seeing the chest where he had nearly +been suffocated, his anger increased the more violently because the +sweet creature had become still more beautiful, like all those who are +permanently youthful from bathing in the water of youth, which waters +are naught less than the sources of love. The mechanician studied the +proceedings in the way of cuckoldom at his neighbour's house, in order +to revenge himself, for as many houses as there are so many varieties +of manner are there in this business; and although all amours resemble +each other in the same manner that all men resemble each other, it is +proved to the abstractors of true things, that for the happiness of +women, each love has its especial physiognomy, and if there is nothing +that resembles a man so much as a man, there is also nothing differs +from a man so much as a man. That it is, which confuses all things, or +explains the thousand fancies of women, who seek the best men with a +thousand pains and a thousand pleasures, perhaps more the one than the +other. But how can I blame them for their essays, changes, and +contradictory aims? Why, Nature frisks and wriggles, twists and turns +about, and you expect a woman to remain still! Do you know if ice is +really cold? No. Well then, neither do you know that cuckoldom is not +a lucky chance, the produce of brains well furnished and better made +than all the others. Seek something better than ventosity beneath the +sky. This will help to spread the philosophic reputation of this +eccentric book. Oh yes; go on. He who cries "vermin powder," is more +advanced than those who occupy themselves with Nature, seeing that she +is a proud jade and a capricious one, and only allows herself to be +seen at certain times. Do you understand? So in all languages does she +belong to the feminine gender, being a thing essentially changeable +and fruitful and fertile in tricks. + +Now Carandas soon recognised the fact that among cuckoldoms the best +understood and the most discreet is ecclesiastical cuckoldom. This is +how the good dyer's wife had laid her plans. She went always towards +her cottage at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr on the eve of the Sabbath, +leaving her good husband to finish his work, to count up and check his +books, and to pay his workmen; then Taschereau would join her there on +the morrow, and always found a good breakfast ready and his good wife +gay, and always brought the priest with him. The fact is, this +damnable priest crossed the Loire the night before in a small boat, in +order to keep the dyer's wife warm, and to calm her fancies, in order +that she might sleep well during the night, a duty which young men +understand very well. Then this fine curber of phantasies got back to +his house in the morning by the time Taschereau came to invite him to +spend the day at La Grenadiere, and the cuckold always found the +priest asleep in his bed. The boatman being well paid, no one knew +anything of these goings on, for the lover journeyed the night before +after night fall, and on the Sunday in the early morning. As soon as +Carandas had verified the arrangement and constant practice of these +gallant diversions, he determined to wait for a day when the lovers +would meet, hungry one for the other, after some accidental +abstinence. This meeting took place very soon, and the curious +hunchback saw the boatman waiting below the square, at the Canal St. +Antoine, for the young priest, who was handsome, blonde, slender, and +well-shaped, like the gallant and cowardly hero of love, so celebrated +by Monsieur Ariosto. Then the mechanician went to find the old dyer, +who always loved his wife and always believed himself the only man who +had a finger in her pie. + +"Ah! good evening, old friend," said Carandas to Taschereau; and +Taschereau made him a bow. + +Then the mechanician relates to him all the secret festivals of love, +vomits words of peculiar import, and pricks the dyer on all sides. + +At length, seeing he was ready to kill both his wife and the priest, +Carandas said to him, "My good neighbour, I had brought back from +Flanders a poisoned sword, which will instantly kill anyone, if it +only make a scratch upon him. Now, directly you shall have merely +touched your wench and her paramour, they will die." + +"Let us go and fetch it," said the dyer. + +Then the two merchants went in great haste to the house of the +hunchback, to get the sword and rush off to the country. + +"But shall we find them in flagrante delicto?" asked Taschereau. + +"You will see," said the hunchback, jeering his friend. In fact, the +cuckold had not long to wait to behold the joy of the two lovers. + +The sweet wench and her well-beloved were busy trying to catch, in a +certain lake that you probably know, that little bird that sometimes +makes his nest there, and they were laughing and trying, and still +laughing. + +"Ah, my darling!" said she, clasping him, as though she wished to make +an outline of him on her chest, "I love thee so much I should like to +eat thee! Nay, more than that, to have you in my skin, so that you +might never quit me." + +"I should like it too," replied the priest, "but as you can't have me +altogether, you must try a little bit at a time." + +It was at this moment that the husband entered, he sword unsheathed +and flourished above him. The beautiful Tascherette, who knew her +lord's face well, saw what would be the fate of her well-beloved the +priest. But suddenly she sprang towards the good man, half naked, her +hair streaming over her, beautiful with shame, but more beautiful with +love, and cried to him, "Stay, unhappy man! Wouldst thou kill the +father of thy children?" + +Thereupon the good dyer staggered by the paternal majesty of +cuckoldom, and perhaps also by the fire of his wife's eyes, let the +sword fall upon the foot of the hunchback, who had followed him, and +thus killed him. + +This teaches us not to be spiteful. + + + + EPILOGUE + +Here endeth the first series of these Tales, a roguish sample of the +works of that merry Muse, born ages ago, in our fair land of Touraine, +the which Muse is a good wench, and knows by heart that fine saying of +her friend Verville, written in _Le Moyen de Parvenir_: It is only +necessary to be bold to obtain favours. Alas! mad little one, get thee +to bed again, sleep; thou art panting from thy journey; perhaps thou +hast been further than the present time. Now dry thy fair naked feet, +stop thine ears, and return to love. If thou dreamest other poesy +interwoven with laughter to conclude these merry inventions, heed not +the foolish clamour and insults of those who, hearing the carol of a +joyous lark of other days, exclaim: Ah, the horrid bird! + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Droll Stories, Volume 1, by Honore de Balzac + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK DROLL STORIES, VOLUME 1 *** + +***** This file should be named 1925.txt or 1925.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + https://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/2/1925/ + +Produced by Ian Hodgson, and Dagny + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +Etext prepared by Ian Hodgson, hodgson_ian@msn.com +and Dagny, dagnyj@hotmail.com + + + + + +DROLL STORIES +COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE +Volume I: THE FIRST TEN TALES + +by HONORE DE BALZAC + + + + +CONTENTS + +TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE + +THE FIRST TEN TALES + +PROLOGUE +THE FAIR IMPERIA +THE VENIAL SIN + HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE + HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY + THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN + HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED + HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING +THE KING'S SWEETHEART +THE DEVIL'S HEIR +THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH +THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE +THE MAID OF THILOUSE +THE BROTHER-IN-ARMS +THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU +THE REPROACH +EPILOGUE + + + + TRANSLATORS PREFACE + +When, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now famous Contes +Drolatiques was published by Gosselin of Paris, Balzac, in a short +preface, written in the publisher's name, replied to those attacks +which he anticipated certain critics would make upon his hardy +experiment. He claimed for his book the protection of all those to +whom literature was dear, because it was a work of art--and a work of +art, in the highest sense of the word, it undoubtedly is. Like +Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, Ariosto, and Verville, the +great author of The Human Comedy has painted an epoch. In the fresh +and wonderful language of the Merry Vicar Of Meudon, he has given us a +marvellous picture of French life and manners in the sixteenth +century. The gallant knights and merry dames of that eventful period +of French history stand out in bold relief upon his canvas. The +background in these life-like figures is, as it were, "sketched upon +the spot." After reading the Contes Drolatiques, one could almost find +one's way about the towns and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map +or guide. Not only is this book a work of art from its historical +information and topographical accuracy; its claims to that distinction +rest upon a broader foundation. Written in the nineteenth century in +imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it is a triumph of literary +archaeology. It is a model of that which it professes to imitate; the +production of a writer who, to accomplish it, must have been at once +historian, linguist, philosopher, archaeologist, and anatomist, and +each in no ordinary degree. In France, his work has long been regarded +as a classic--as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, +when kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies laughed +openly at stories and jokes which are considered disgraceful by their +more fastidious descendants. In England the difficulties of the +language employed, and the quaintness and peculiarity of its style, +have placed it beyond the reach of all but those thoroughly acquainted +with the French of the sixteenth century. Taking into consideration +the vast amount of historical information enshrined in its pages, the +archaeological value which it must always possess for the student, and +the dramatic interest of its stories, the translator has thought that +an English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre would be acceptable to +many. It has, of course, been impossible to reproduce in all its +vigour and freshness the language of the original. Many of the quips +and cranks and puns have been lost in the process of Anglicising. +These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer ventures to hope that he +has treated this great masterpiece in a reverent spirit, touched it +with no sacrilegious hand, but, on the contrary, given as close a +translation as the dissimilarities of the two languages permit. With +this idea, no attempt had been made to polish or round many of the +awkwardly constructed sentences which are characteristic of this +volume. Rough, and occasionally obscure, they are far more in keeping +with the spirit of the original than the polished periods of modern +romance. Taking into consideration the many difficulties which he has +had to overcome, and which those best acquainted with the French +edition will best appreciate, the translator claims the indulgence of +the critical reader for any shortcomings he may discover. The best +plea that can be offered for such indulgence is the fact that, +although Les Contes Drolatiques was completed and published in 1837, +the present is the first English version ever brought before the +public. + +London, January, 1874 + + + + + +FIRST TEN TALES + + + +PROLOGUE + +This is a book of the highest flavour, full of right hearty merriment, +spiced to the palate of the illustrious and very precious tosspots and +drinkers, to whom our worthy compatriot, Francois Rabelais, the +eternal honour of Touraine, addressed himself. Be it nevertheless +understood, the author has no other desire than to be a good +Touranian, and joyfully to chronicle the merry doings of the famous +people of this sweet and productive land, more fertile in cuckolds, +dandies and witty wags than any other, and which has furnished a good +share of men of renown in France, as witness the departed Courier of +piquant memory; Verville, author of Moyen de Parvenir, and others +equally well known, among whom we will specially mention the Sieur +Descartes, because he was a melancholy genius, and devoted himself +more to brown studies than to drinks and dainties, a man of whom all +the cooks and confectioners of Tours have a wise horror, whom they +despise, and will not hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he live?" +if his name is mentioned. Now this work is the production of the +joyous leisure of good old monks, of whom there are many vestiges +scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr, in the village +of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at Marmoustiers, Veretz, Roche-Cobon, +and the certain storehouses of good stories, which storehouses are the +upper stories of old canons and wise dames, who remember the good old +days when they could enjoy a hearty laugh without looking to see if +their hilarity disturbed the sit of your ruffle, as do the young women +of the present day, who wish to take their pleasure gravely--a custom +which suits our Gay France as much as a water jug would the head of a +queen. Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and he has +sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without adding to them +by books, I have considered it a thing most patriotic to publish a +drachm of merriment for these times, when weariness falls like a fine +rain, wetting us, soaking into us, and dissolving those ancient +customs which make the people to reap public amusement from the +Republic. But of those old pantagruelists who allowed God and the king +to conduct their own affairs without putting of their finger in the +pie oftener than they could help, being content to look on and laugh, +there are very few left. They are dying out day by day in such manner +that I fear greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient +breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonoured, and +blamed, the which I should be loath to see, since I have and bear +great respect for the refuse of our Gallic antiquities. + +Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, you scrapers-up of words, harpies +who mangle the intentions and inventions of everyone, that as children +only do we laugh, and as we travel onward laughter sinks down and dies +out, like the light of the oil-lit lamp. This signifies, that to laugh +you must be innocent, and pure of a heart, lacking which qualities you +purse your lips, drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after the manner +of men hiding vices and impurities. Take, then, this work as you would +take a group of statue, certain features of which an artist could +omit, and he would be the biggest of all big fools if he puts leaves +upon them, seeing that these said works are not, any more than is this +book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have taken care, much to +my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts the old words, which, in +spite of their age, were still strong, and which would have shocked +the ears, astonished the eyes, reddened the cheeks and sullied the +lips of trousered maidens, and Madame Virtue with three lovers; for +certain things must be done to suit the vices of the age, and a +periphrase is much more agreeable than the word. Indeed, we are old, +and find long trifles, better than the short follies of our youth, +because at that time our taste was better. Then spare me your +slanders, and read this rather at night than in the daytime and give +it not to young maidens, if there be any, because this book is +inflammable. I will now rid you of myself. But I fear nothing from +this book, since it is extracted from a high and splendid source, from +which all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply proved +by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the Holy Ghost, of the +Garter, of the Bath, and by many notable things which have been taken +therefrom, under shelter of which I place myself. + +'Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gayly read with ease of body and +rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you if you disown me after +having read me.' These words are those of our good Master Rabelais, +before whom we must also stand, hat in hand, in token of reverence and +honour to him, prince of all wisdom, and king of Comedy. + + + +THE FAIR IMPERIA + +The Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite when going to the +Council at Constance quite a good-looking little priest of Touraine +whose ways and manner of speech was so charming that he passed for a +son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of Tours had +willingly given him to his confrere for his journey to that town, +because it was usual for archbishops to make each other presents, they +well knowing how sharp are the itchings of theological palms. Thus +this young priest came to the Council and was lodged in the +establishment of his prelate, a man of good morals and great science. + +Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave well and +worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this mysterious Council +many men leading a dissolute life and yet not making less, nay-- +gaining more indulgences, gold crowns and benefices than all the other +virtuous and well-behaved ones. Now during one night--dangerous to his +virtue--the devil whispered into his ear that he should live more +luxuriously, since every one sucked the breasts of our Holy Mother +Church and yet they were not drained, a miracle which proved beyond +doubt the existence of God. And the priest of Touraine did not +disappoint the devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his +bellyful of roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do +so without paying for them as he was poor. As he remained quite +continent (in which he followed the example of the poor old archbishop +who sinned no longer because he was unable to, and passed for a +saint,) he had to suffer from intolerable desires followed by fits of +melancholy, since there were so many sweet courtesans, well developed, +but cold to the poor people, who inhabited Constance, to enlighten the +understanding of the Fathers of the Council. He was savage that he did +not know how to make up to these gallant sirens, who snubbed +cardinals, abbots, councillors, legates, bishops, princes and +margraves just as if they have been penniless clerks. And in the +evening, after prayers, he would practice speaking to them, teaching +himself the breviary of love. He taught himself to answer all possible +questions, but on the morrow if by chance he met one of the aforesaid +princesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted by her proud +and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed, like a dog in the act +of catching flies, at the sight of sweet countenance that so much +inflamed him. The secretary of a Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, +having clearly explained to him that the Fathers, procureurs, and +auditors of the Rota bought by certain presents, not relics or +indulgences, but jewels and gold, the favour of being familiar with +the best of these pampered cats who lived under the protection of the +lords of the Council; the poor Touranian, all simpleton and innocent +as he was, treasured up under his mattress the money given him by the +good archbishop for writings and copying--hoping one day to have +enough just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting to God for the +rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a man about as +much as a goat with a night-dress on resembles a young lady, but +prompted by his desires he wandered in the evenings through the +streets of Constance, careless of his life, and, at the risk of having +his body halberded by the soldiers, he peeped at the cardinals +entering the houses of their sweethearts. Then he saw the wax-candles +lighted in the houses and suddenly the doors and the windows closed. +Then he heard the blessed abbots or others jumping about, drinking, +enjoying themselves, love-making, singing Alleluia and applauding the +music with which they were being regaled. The kitchen performed +miracles, the Offices said were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet +little hams, the Vespers luscious mouthful, and the Lauhes delicate +sweetmeats, and after their little carouses, these brave priests were +silent, their pages diced upon the stairs, their mules stamped +restively in the streets; everything went well--but faith and religion +was there. That is how it came to pass the good man Huss was burned. +And the reason? He put his finger in the pie without being asked. Then +why was he a huguenot before the others? + +To return, however to our sweet little Philippe, not unfrequently did +he receive many a thump and hard blow, but the devil sustained him, +inciting him to believe that sooner or later it would come to his turn +to play the cardinal to some lovely dame. This ardent desire gave him +the boldness of a stag in autumn, so much so that one evening he +quietly tripped up the steps and into one of the first houses in +Constance where often he had seen officers, seneschals, valets, and +pages waiting with torches for their masters, dukes, kings, cardinals +and archbishops. + +"Ah!" said he, "she must be very beautiful and amiable, this one." + +A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him to belong to +the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had just left, and that he +was going to deliver a message on behalf of the above-mentioned +nobleman. Philippe de Mala mounted the stairs as lightly as a +greyhound in love, and was guided by delectable odour of perfume to +certain chamber where, surrounded by her handmaidens, the lady of the +house was divesting herself of her attire. He stood quite dumbfounded +like a thief surprised by sergeants. The lady was without petticoat or +head-dress. The chambermaid and the servants, busy taking off her +stockings and undressing her, so quickly and dextrously had her +stripped, that the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long Ah! which had +the flavour of love about it. + +"What want you, little one?" said the lady to him. + +"To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes upon her. + +"You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to be rid of him. + +To which Philippe replied, blushing, "I will not fail." + +Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motionless, stood quite +at his ease, letting wander over her his eyes that glowed and sparkled +with the flame of love. What lovely thick hair hung upon her ivory +white back, showing sweet white places, fair and shining between the +many tresses! She had upon her snow-white brow a ruby circlet, less +fertile in rays of fire than her black eyes, still moist with tears +from her hearty laugh. She even threw her slipper at a statue gilded +like a shrine, twisting herself about from very ribaldry and allowed +her bare foot, smaller than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening +she was in a good humour, otherwise she would have had the little +shaven-crop put out by the window without more ado than her first +bishop. + +"He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of her handmaids. + +"Where does he comes from?" asked another. + +"Poor child!" cried Madame, "his mother must be looking for him. Show +him his way home." + +The Touranian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight at the sight +of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was about to repose. This +glance, full of amorous intelligence, awoke the lady's fantasy, who, +half laughing and half smitten, repeated "To-morrow," and dismissed +him with a gesture which the Pope Jehan himself would have obeyed, +especially as he was like a snail without a shell, since the Council +had just deprived him of the holy keys. + +"Ah! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed into an amorous +desire," said one of her women; and the chuckles commenced again thick +as hail. + +Philippe went his way, bumping his head against a wall like a hooded +rook as he was. So giddy had he become at the sight of this creature, +even more enticing than a siren rising from the water. He noticed the +animals carved over the door and returned to the house of the +archbishop with his head full of diabolical longings and his entrails +sophisticated. + +Once in his little room he counted his coins all night long, but could +make no more than four of them; and as that was all his treasure, he +counted upon satisfying the fair one by giving her all he had in the +world. + +"What is it ails you?" said the good archbishop, uneasy at the groans +and "oh! oh's!" of his clerk. + +"Ah! my Lord," answered the poor priest, "I am wondering how it is +that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so heavily upon my heart." + +"Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his breviary which he +was reading for others--the good man. + +"Oh! Mother of God! You will scold me, I know, my good master, my +protector, because I have seen the lady of a cardinal at the least, +and I am weeping because I lack more than one crown to enable me to +convert her." + +The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he had above his +nose, said not a word. Then the very humble priest trembled in his +skin to have confessed so much to his superior. But the holy man +directly said to him, "She must be very dear then--" + +"Ah!" said he, "she has swallowed many a mitre and stolen many a +cross." + +"Well, Philippe, if thou will renounce her, I will present thee with +thirty angels from the poor-box." + +"Ah! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the lad, +emboldened by the treat he promised himself. + +"Ah! Philippe," said the good prelate, "thou wilt then go to the devil +and displease God, like all our cardinals," and the master, with +sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the patron saint of Innocents, to +save his servant. He made him kneel down beside him, telling him to +recommend himself also to St. Philippe, but the wretched priest +implored the saint beneath his breath to prevent him from failing if +on the morrow that the lady should receive him kindly and mercifully; +and the good archbishop, observing the fervour of his servant, cried +out him, "Courage little one, and Heaven will exorcise thee." + +On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the Council against +the shameless behaviour of the apostles of Christianity, Philippe de +Mala spent his angels--acquired with so much labour--in perfumes, +baths, fomentations, and other fooleries. He played the fop so well, +one would have thought him the fancy cavalier of a gay lady. He +wandered about the town in order to find the residence of his heart's +queen; and when he asked the passers-by to whom belonged the aforesaid +house, they laughed in his face, saying-- + +"Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard of La Belle +Imperia?" + +He was very much afraid he and his angels were gone to the devil when +he heard the name, and knew into what a nice mess he had voluntarily +fallen. + +Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in the world, +although she passed for the most dazzling and the beautiful, and the +one who best understood the art of bamboozling cardinals and softening +the hardiest soldiers and oppressors of the people. She had brave +captains, archers, and nobles, ready to serve her at every turn. She +had only to breathe a word, and the business of anyone who had +offended her was settled. A free fight only brought a smile to her +lips, and often the Sire de Baudricourt--one of the King's Captains-- +would ask her if there were any one he could kill for her that day--a +little joke at the expense of the abbots. With the exception of the +potentates among the high clergy with whom Madame Imperia managed to +accommodate her little tempers, she ruled everyone with a high hand in +virtue of her pretty babble and enchanting ways, which enthralled the +most virtuous and the most unimpressionable. Thus she lived beloved +and respected, quite as much as the real ladies and princesses, and +was called Madame, concerning which the good Emperor Sigismund replied +to a lady who complained of it to him, "That they, the good ladies, +might keep to their own proper way and holy virtues, and Madame +Imperia to the sweet naughtiness of the goddess Venus"--Christian +words which shocked the good ladies, to their credit be it said. + +Philippe, then thinking over it in his mind that which on the +preceding evening he had seen with his eyes, doubted if more did not +remain behind. Then was he sad, and without taking bite or sup, +strolled about the town waiting the appointed hour, although he was +well-favoured and gallant enough to find others less difficult to +overcome than was Madame Imperia. + +The night came; the little Touranian, exalted with pride caparisoned +with desire, and spurred by his "alacks" and "alases" which nearly +choked him, glided like an eel into the domicile of the veritable +Queen of the Council--for before her bowed humbly all the authority, +science, and wisdom of Christianity. The major domo did not know him, +and was going to bundle him out again, when one of the chamber-women +called him from the top of the stairs--"Eh M. Imbert, it is Madame's +young fellow," and poor Philippe, blushing like a wedding night, ran +up the stairs, shaking with happiness and delight. The servant took +him by the hand and led into the chamber where sat Madame, lightly +attired like a brave woman who awaits her conqueror. + +The dazzling Imperia was seated near a table covered with a shaggy +cloth ornamented with gold, and with all the requisites for a dainty +carouse. Flagons of wine, various drinking glasses, bottles of the +hippocras, flasks full of good wine of Cyprus, pretty boxes full of +spices, roast peacocks, green sauces, little salt hams--all that would +gladden the eyes of the gallant if he had not so madly loved Madame +Imperia. + +She saw well that the eyes of the young priest were all for her. +Although accustomed to the curl-paper devotion of the churchmen, she +was well satisfied that she had made a conquest of the young priest +who all day long had been in her head. + +The windows had been closed; Madame was decked out in a manner fit to +do honours to a prince of the Empire. Then the rogue, beatified by the +holy beauty of Imperia, knew that Emperor, burgraf, nay, even a +cardinal about to be elected pope, would willingly for that night have +changed places with him, a little priest who, beneath his gown, had +only the devil and love. + +He put on a lordly air, and saluted her with a courtesy by no means +ungraceful; and then the sweet lady said to him, regaling with a +piercing glance-- + +"Come and sit close to me, that I may see if you have altered since +yesterday." + +"Oh yes," said he. + +"And how?" said she. + +"Yesterday," replied the artful fellow, "I loved you; today, we love +each other, and from a poor sinner I have become richer than a king." + +"Oh, little one, little one!" cried she, merrily; "yes, you are indeed +changed, for from a young priest I see well you have turned into an +old devil." + +And side by side they sat down before a large fire, which helped to +spread their ecstasy around. They remained always ready to begin +eating, seeing that they only thought of gazing into each other's +eyes, and never touched a dish. Just as they were beginning to feel +comfortable and at their ease, there came a great noise at Madame's +door, as if people were beating against it, and crying out. + +"Madame," cried the little servant hastily, "here's another of them." + +"Who is it?" cried she in a haughty manner, like a tyrant, savage at +being interrupted. + +"The Bishop of Coire wishes to speak with you." + +"May the devil take him!" said she, looking at Philippe gently. + +"Madame he has seen the light through the chinks, and is making a +great noise." + +"Tell him I have the fever, and you will be telling him no lie, for I +am ill of this little priest who is torturing my brain." + +But just as she had finished speaking, and was pressing with devotion +the hand of Philippe who trembled in his skin, appeared the fat Bishop +of Coire, indignant and angry. The officers followed him, bearing a +trout canonically dressed, fresh from the Rhine, and shining in a +golden platter, and spices contained in little ornamental boxes, and a +thousand dainties, such as liqueurs and jams, made by the holy nuns at +his Abbey. + +"Ah, ah!" said he, with his deep voice, "I haven't time to go to the +devil, but you must give me a touch of him in advance, eh! my little +one." + +"Your belly will one day make a nice sheath for a sword," replied she, +knitting her brows above her eyes, which from being soft and gentle +had become mischievous enough to make one tremble. + +"And this little chorus singer is here to offer that?" said the +bishop, insolently turning his great rubicund face towards Philippe. + +"Monseigneur, I'm here to confess Madame." + +"Oh, oh, do you not know the canons? To confess the ladies at this +time of night is a right reserved to bishops, so take yourself off; go +and herd with simple monks, and never come back here again under pain +of excommunication." + +"Do not move," cried the blushing Imperia, more lovely with passion +than she was with love, because now she was possessed both with +passion and love. "Stop, my friend. Here you are in your own house." +Then he knew that he was really loved by her. + +"It is it not in the breviary, and an evangelical regulation, that you +should be equal with God in the valley of Jehoshaphat?" asked she of +the bishop. + +"'Tis is an invention of the devil, who has adulterated the holy +book," replied the great numskull of a bishop in a hurry to fall to. + +"Well then, be equal now before me, who am here below your goddess," +replied Imperia, "otherwise one of these days I will have you +delicately strangled between the head and shoulders; I swear it by the +power of my tonsure which is as good as the pope's." And wishing that +the trout should be added to the feast as well as the sweets and other +dainties, she added, cunningly, "Sit you down and drink with us." But +the artful minx, being up to a trick or two, gave the little one a +wink which told him plainly not to mind the German, whom she would +soon find a means to be rid of. + +The servant-maid seated the Bishop at the table, and tucked him up, +while Philippe, wild with rage that closed his mouth, because he saw +his plans ending in smoke, gave the archbishop to more devils than +ever were monks alive. Thus they got halfway through the repast, which +the young priest had not yet touched, hungering only for Imperia, near +whom he was already seated, but speaking that sweet language which the +ladies so well understand, that has neither stops, commas, accents, +letters, figures, characters, notes, nor images. The fat bishop, +sensual and careful enough of the sleek, ecclesiastical garment of +skin for which he was indebted to his late mother, allowed himself to +be plentifully served with hippocras by the delicate hand of Madame, +and it was just at his first hiccough that the sound of an approaching +cavalcade was heard in the street. The number of horses, the "Ho, ho!" +of the pages, showed plainly that some great prince hot with love, was +about to arrive. In fact, a moment afterwards the Cardinal of Ragusa, +against whom the servants of Imperia had not dared to bar the door, +entered the room. At this terrible sight the poor courtesan and her +young lover became ashamed and embarrassed, like fresh cured lepers; +for it would be tempting the devil to try and oust the cardinal, the +more so as at that time it was not known who would be pope, three +aspirants having resigned their hoods for the benefit of Christianity. +The cardinal, who was a cunning Italian, long bearded, a great +sophist, and the life and soul of the Council, guessed, by the +feeblest exercise of the faculties of his understanding, the alpha and +omega of the adventure. He only had to weigh in his mind one little +thought before he knew how to proceed in order to be able to +hypothecate his manly vigour. He arrived with the appetite of a hungry +monk, and to obtain its satisfaction he was just the man to stab two +monks and sell his bit of the true cross, which were wrong. + +"Hulloa! friend," said he to Philippe, calling him towards him. The +poor Tourainian, more dead than alive, and expecting the devil was +about to interfere seriously with his arrangements, rose and said, +"What is it?" to the redoubtable cardinal. + +He taking him by the arm led him to the staircase, looked him in the +white of the eye and said without any nonsense--"Ventredieu! You are a +nice little fellow, and I should not like to have to let your master +know the weight of your carcass. My revenge might cause me certain +pious expenses in my old age, so choose to espouse an abbey for the +remainder of your days, or to marry Madame to-night and die tomorrow." + +The poor little Tourainian in despair murmured, "May I come back when +your passion is over?" + +The cardinal could scarcely keep his countenance, but he said sternly, +"Choose the gallows or a mitre." + +"Ah!" said the priest, maliciously; "a good fat abbey." + +Thereupon the cardinal went back into the room, opened an escritoire, +and scribbled upon a piece of parchment an order to the envoy of +France. + +"Monseigneur," said the Tourainian to him while he was spelling out +the order, "you will not get rid of the Bishop of Coire so easily as +you have got rid of me, for he has as many abbeys as the soldiers have +drinking shops in the town; besides, he is in the favour of his lord. +Now I fancy to show you my gratitude for this so fine Abbey I owe you +good piece of advice. You know how fatal has been and how rapidly +spread this terrible pestilence which has cruelly harassed Paris. Tell +him that you have just left the bedside of your old friend the +Archbishop of Bordeaux; thus you will make him scutter away like straw +before a whirl-wind. + +"Oh, oh!" cried the cardinal, "thou meritest more than an abbey. Ah, +Ventredieu! my young friend, here are 100 golden crowns for thy +journey to the Abbey of Turpenay, which I won yesterday at cards, and +of which I make you a free gift." + +Hearing these words, and seeing Philippe de Mala disappear without +giving her the amorous glances she expected, the beautiful Imperia, +puffing like a dolphin, denounced all the cowardice of the priest. She +was not then a sufficiently good Catholic to pardon her lover +deceiving her, by not knowing how to die for her pleasure. Thus the +death of Philippe was foreshadowed in the viper's glance she cast at +him to insult him, which glance pleased the cardinal much, for the +wily Italian saw he would soon get his abbey back again. The +Touranian, heeding not the brewing storm avoided it by walking out +silently with his ears down, like a wet dog being kicked out of a +Church. Madame drew a sigh from her heart. She must have had her own +ideas of humanity for the little value she held in it. The fire which +possessed her had mounted to her head, and scintillated in rays about +her, and there was good reason for it, for this was the first time +that she had been humbugged by priest. Then the cardinal smiled, +believing it was all to his advantage: was not he a cunning fellow? +Yes, he was the possessor of a red hat. + +"Ah, ah! my friend," said he to the Bishop, "I congratulate myself on +being in your company, and I am glad to have been able to get rid of +that little wretch unworthy of Madame, the more so as if you had gone +near him, my lovely and amiable creature, you would have perished +miserably through the deed of a simple priest." + +"Ah! How?" + +"He is the secretary of the Archbishop of Bordeaux. The good man was +seized this morning with the pestilence." + +The bishop opened his mouth wide enough to swallow a Dutch cheese. + +"How do you know that?" asked he. + +"Ah!" said the cardinal, taking the good German's hand, "I have just +administered to him, and consoled him; at this moment the holy man has +a fair wind to waft him to paradise." + +The Bishop of Coire demonstrated immediately how light fat man are; +for when men are big-bellied, a merciful providence, in the +consideration of their works, often makes their internal tubes as +elastic as balloons. The aforesaid bishop sprang backwards with one +bound, burst into a perspiration and coughed like a cow who finds +feathers mixed with her hay. Then becoming suddenly pale, he rushed +down the stairs without even bidding Madame adieu. When the door had +closed upon the bishop, and he was fairly in the street, the Cardinal +of Ragusa began laughing fit to split his sides. + +"Ah! my fair one, am I not worthy to be Pope, and better than that, +thy lover this evening?" + +But seeing Imperia thoughtful he approached her to take her in his +arms, and pet her after the usual fashion of cardinals, men who +embrace better than all others, even the soldiers, because they are +lazy, and do not spare their essential properties. + +"Ha!" said she, drawing back, "you wish to cause my death, you +ecclesiastical idiot. The principal thing for you is to enjoy +yourself; my sweet carcass, a thing accessory. Your pleasure will be +my death, and then you'll canonise me perhaps? Ah, you have the +plague, and you would give it to me. Go somewhere else, you brainless +priest. Ah! touch me not," said she, seeing him about to advance, "or +I will stab you with this dagger." + +And the clever hussy drew from her armoire a little dagger, which she +knew how to use with great skill when necessary. + +"But my little paradise, my sweet one," said the other, laughing, +"don't you see the trick? Wasn't it necessary to be get rid of that +old bullock of Coire?" + +"Well then, if you love me, show it" replied she. "I desire that you +leave me instantly. If you are touched with the disease my death will +not worry you. I know you well enough to know at what price you will +put a moment of pleasure at your last hour. You would drown the earth. +Ah, ah! you have boasted of it when drunk. I love only myself, my +treasures, and my health. Go, and if tomorrow your veins are not +frozen by the disease, you can come again. Today, I hate you, good +cardinal," said she, smiling. + +"Imperia!" cried the cardinal on his knees, "my blessed Imperia, do +not play with me thus." + +"No," said she, "I never play with blessed and sacred things." + +"Ah! ribald woman, I will excommunicate thee tomorrow." + +"And now you are out of your cardinal sense." + +"Imperia, cursed daughter of Satan! Oh, my little beauty--my love--!" + +"Respect yourself more. Don't kneel to me, fie for shame!" + +"Wilt thou have a dispensation in articulo mortis? Wilt thou have my +fortune--or better still, a bit of the veritable true Cross?--Wilt +thou?" + +"This evening, all the wealth of heaven above and earth beneath would +not buy my heart," said she, laughing. "I should be the blackest of +sinners, unworthy to receive the Blessed Sacrament if I had not my +little caprices." + +"I'll burn the house down. Sorceress, you have bewitched me. You shall +perish at the stake. Listen to me, my love,--my gentle Dove--I promise +you the best place in heaven. Eh? No. Death to you then--death to the +sorceress." + +"Oh, oh! I will kill you, Monseigneur." + +And the cardinal foamed with rage. + +"You are making a fool of yourself," said she. "Go away, you'll tire +yourself." + +"I shall be pope, and you shall pay for this!" + +"Then you are no longer disposed to obey me?" + +"What can I do this evening to please you?" + +"Get out." + +And she sprang lightly like a wagtail into her room, and locked +herself in, leaving the cardinal to storm that he was obliged to go. +When the fair Imperia found herself alone, seated before the fire, and +without her little priest, she exclaimed, snapping angrily the gold +links of her chain, "By the double triple horn on the devil, if the +little one has made me have this row with the Cardinal, and exposed me +to the danger of being poisoned tomorrow, unless I pay him over to my +heart's content, I will not die till I have seen him burned alive +before my eyes. Ah!" said she, weeping, this time real tears, "I lead +a most unhappy life, and the little pleasure I have costs me the life +of a dog, let alone my salvation." + +As she finished this jeremiad, wailing like a calf that is being +slaughtered, she beheld the blushing face of the young priest, who had +hidden himself, peeping at her from behind her large Venetian mirror. + +"Ah!" said she, "Thou art the most perfect monk that ever dwelt in +this blessed and amorous town of Constance. Ah, ah! Come my gentle +cavalier, my dear boy, my little charm, my paradise of delectation, +let me drink thine eyes, eat thee, kill thee with my love. Oh! my +ever-flourishing, ever-green, sempiternal god; from a little monk I +would make a king, emperor, pope, and happier than either. There, thou +canst put anything to fire and sword, I am thine, and thou shalt see +it well; for thou shalt be all a cardinal, even when to redden thy +hood I shed all my heart's blood." And with her trembling hands all +joyously she filled with Greek wine the golden cup, brought by the +Bishop of Coire, and presented it to her sweetheart, whom she served +upon her knee, she whose slipper princes found more to their taste +than that of the pope. + +But he gazed at her in silence, with his eye so lustrous with love, +that she said to him, trembling with joy " Ah! be quiet, little one. +Let us have supper." + + + +THE VENIAL SIN + + +HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE. + +Messire Bruyn, he who completed the Castle of Roche-Corbon-les- +Vouvray, on the banks of the Loire, was a boisterous fellow in his +youth. When quite little, he squeezed young ladies, turned the house +out of windows, and played the devil with everything, when he was +called upon to put his Sire the Baron of Roche-Corbon some few feet +under the turf. Then he was his own master, free to lead a life of +wild dissipation, and indeed he worked very hard to get a surfeit of +enjoyment. Now by making his crowns sweat and his goods scarce, +draining his land, and a bleeding his hogsheads, and regaling frail +beauties, he found himself excommunicated from decent society, and had +for his friends only the plunderers of towns and the Lombardians. But +the usurers turned rough and bitter as chestnut husks, when he had no +other security to give them than his said estate of Roche-Corbon, +since the Rupes Carbonis was held from our Lord the king. Then Bruyn +found himself just in the humour to give a blow here and there, to +break a collar-bone or two, and quarrel with everyone about trifles. +Seeing which, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, his neighbour, and a man +liberal with his advice, told him that it was an evident sign of +lordly perfection, that he was walking in the right road, but if he +would go and slaughter, to the great glory of God, the Mahommedans who +defiled the Holy Land, it would be better still, and that he would +undoubtedly return full of wealth and indulgences into Touraine, or +into Paradise, whence all barons formerly came. + +The said Bruyn, admiring the great sense of the prelate, left the +country equipped by the monastery, and blessed by the abbot, to the +great delight of his friends and neighbours. Then he put to the sack +enough many towns of Asia and Africa, and fell upon the infidels +without giving them warning, burning the Saracens, the Greeks, the +English, and others, caring little whether they were friends or +enemies, or where they came from, since among his merits he had that +of being in no way curious, and he never questioned them until after +he had killed them. At this business, agreeable to God, to the King +and to himself, Bruyn gained renown as a good Christian and loyal +knight, and enjoyed himself thoroughly in these lands beyond the seas, +since he more willingly gave a crown to the girls than to the poor, +although he met many more poor people than perfect maids; but like a +good Touranian he made soup of anything. At length, when he was +satiated with the Turks, relics, and other blessings of the Holy Land, +Bruyn, to the great astonishment of the people of Vouvrillons, +returned from the Crusades laden with crowns and precious stones; +rather differently from some who, rich when they set out, came back +heavy with leprosy, but light with gold. On his return from Tunis, our +Lord, King Philippe, made him a Count, and appointed him his seneschal +in our country and that of Poitou. There he was greatly beloved and +properly thought well of, since over and above his good qualities he +founded the Church of the Carmes-Deschaulx, in the parish of +Egrignolles, as the peace-offering to Heaven for the follies of his +youth. Thus was he cardinally consigned to the good graces of the +Church and of God. From a wicked youth and reckless man, he became a +good, wise man, and discreet in his dissipations and pleasures; rarely +was in anger, unless someone blasphemed God before him, the which he +would not tolerate because he had blasphemed enough for every one in +his wild youth. In short, he never quarrelled, because, being +seneschal, people gave up to him instantly. It is true that he at that +time beheld all his desires accomplished, the which would render even +an imp of Satan calm and tranquil from his horns to his heels. And +besides this he possessed a castle all jagged at the corners, and +shaped and pointed like a Spanish doublet, situated upon a bank from +which it was reflected in the Loire. In the rooms were royal +tapestries, furniture, Saracen pomps, vanities, and inventions which +were much admired by people of Tours, and even by the archbishop and +clerks of St. Martin, to whom he sent as a free gift a banner fringed +with fine gold. In the neighbourhood of the said castle abounded fair +domains, wind-mills, and forests, yielding a harvest of rents of all +kinds, so that he was one of the strongest knights-banneret of the +province, and could easily have led to battle for our lord the king a +thousand men. In his old days, if by chance his bailiff, a diligent +man at hanging, brought before him a poor peasant suspected of some +offence, he would say, smiling-- + +"Let this one go, Brediff, he will count against those I +inconsiderately slaughtered across the seas"; oftentimes, however, he +would let them bravely hang on a chestnut tree or swing on his +gallows, but this was solely that justice might be done, and that the +custom should not lapse in his domain. Thus the people on his lands +were good and orderly, like fresh veiled nuns, and peaceful since he +protected them from the robbers and vagabonds whom he never spared, +knowing by experience how much mischief is caused by these cursed +beasts of prey. For the rest, most devout, finishing everything +quickly, his prayers as well as good wine, he managed the processes +after the Turkish fashion, having a thousand little jokes ready for +the losers, and dining with them to console them. He had all the +people who had been hanged buried in consecrated ground like godly +ones, some people thinking they had been sufficiently punished by +having their breath stopped. He only persecuted the Jews now and then, +and when they were glutted with usury and wealth. He let them gather +their spoil as the bees do honey, saying that they were the best of +tax-gatherers. And never did he despoil them save for the profit and +use of the churchmen, the king, the province, or himself. + +This jovial way gained for him the affection and esteem of every one, +great and small. If he came back smiling from his judicial throne, the +Abbot of Marmoustiers, an old man like himself, would say, "Ho, ha! +messire, there is some hanging on since you laugh thus!" And when +coming from Roche-Corbon to Tours he passed on horseback along the +Fauborg St. Symphorien, the little girls would say, "Ah! this is the +justice day, there is the good man Bruyn," and without being afraid +they would look at him astride on a big white hack, that he had +brought back with him from the Levant. On the bridge the little boys +would stop playing with the ball, and would call out, "Good day, Mr. +Seneschal" and he would reply, jokingly, "Enjoy yourselves, my +children, until you get whipped." "Yes, Mr. Seneschal." + +Also he made the country so contented and so free from robbers that +during the year of the great over-flowing of the Loire there were only +twenty-two malefactors hanged that winter, not counting a Jew burned +in the Commune of Chateau-Neuf for having stolen a consecrated wafer, +or bought it, some said, for he was very rich. + +One day, in the following year about harvest time, or mowing time, as +we say in Touraine, there came Egyptians, Bohemians, and other +wandering troupes who stole the holy things from the Church of St. +Martin, and in the place and exact situation of Madam the Virgin, left +by way of insult and mockery to our Holy Faith, an abandoned pretty +little girl, about the age of an old dog, stark naked, an acrobat, and +of Moorish descent like themselves. For this almost nameless crime it +was equally decided by the king, people, and the churchmen that the +Mooress, to pay for all, should be burned and cooked alive in the +square near the fountain where the herb market is. Then the good man +Bruyn clearly and dextrously demonstrated to the others that it would +be a thing most profitable and pleasant to God to gain over this +African soul to the true religion, and if the devil were lodged in +this feminine body the faggots would be useless to burn him, as said +the said order. To which the archbishop sagely thought most canonical +and conformable to Christian charity and the gospel. The ladies of the +town and other persons of authority said loudly that they were cheated +of a fine ceremony, since the Mooress was crying her eyes out in the +jail and would certainly be converted to God in order to live as long +as a crow, if she were allowed to do so, to which the seneschal +replied that if the foreigner would wholly commit herself to the +Christian religion there would be a gallant ceremony of another kind, +and that he would undertake that it should be royally magnificent, +because he would be her sponsor at the baptismal font, and that a +virgin should be his partner in the affair in order the better to +please the Almighty, while himself was reputed never to have lost the +bloom or innocence, in fact to be a coquebin. In our country of +Touraine thus are called the young virgin men, unmarried or so +esteemed to distinguish them from the husbands and the widowers, but +the girls always pick them without the name, because they are more +light-hearted and merry than those seasoned in marriage. + +The young Mooress did not hesitate between the flaming faggots and the +baptismal water. She much preferred to be a Christian and live than be +Egyptian and be burned; thus to escape a moment's baking, her heart +would burn unquenched through all her life, since for the greater +surety of her religion she was placed in the convent of nuns near +Chardonneret, where she took the vow of sanctity. The said ceremony +was concluded at the residence of the archbishop, where on this +occasion, in honour of the Saviour or men, the lords and ladies of +Touraine hopped, skipped and danced, for in this country the people +dance, skip, eat, flirt, have more feasts and make merrier than any in +the whole world. The good old seneschal had taken for his associate +the daughter of the lord of Azay-le-Ridel, which afterwards became +Azay-le-Brusle, the which lord being a Crusader was left before Acre, +a far distant town, in the hands of a Saracen who demanded a royal +ransom for him because the said lord was of high position. + +The lady of Azay having given his estate as security to the Lombards +and extortioners in order to raise the sum, remained, without a penny +in the the world, awaiting her lord in a poor lodging in the town, +without a carpet to sit upon, but proud as the Queen of Sheba and +brave as a mastiff who defends the property of his master. Seeing this +great distress the seneschal went delicately to request this lady's +daughter to be the godmother of the said Egyptian, in order that he +might have the right of assisting the Lady of Azay. And, in fact, he +kept a heavy chain of gold which he had preserved since the +commencement of the taking of Cyprus, and the which he determined to +clasp about the neck of his pretty associate, but he hung there at the +same time his domain, and his white hairs, his money and his horses; +in short, he placed there everything he possessed, directly he had +seen Blanche of Azay dancing a pavan among the ladies of Tours. +Although the Moorish girl, making the most of her last day, had +astonished the assembly by her twists, jumps, steps, springs, and +elevations and artistic efforts, Blanche had the advantage of her, as +everyone agreed, so virginally and delicately did she dance. + +Now Bruyn, admiring this gentle maiden whose toes seemed to fear the +boards, and who amused herself so innocently for her seventeen years-- +like a grasshopper trying her first note--was seized with an old man's +desire; a desire apoplectic and vigorous from weakness, which heated +him from the sole of foot to the nape of his neck--for his head had +too much snow on the top of it to let love lodge there. Then the good +man perceived that he needed a wife in his manor, and it appeared more +lonely to him than it was. And what then was a castle without a +chatelaine? As well have a clapper without its bell. In short, a wife +was the only thing that he had to desire, so he wished to have one +promptly, seeing that if the Lady of Azay made him wait, he had just +time to pass out of this world into the other. But during the +baptismal entertainment, he thought little of his severe wounds, and +still less of the eighty years that had stripped his head; he found +his eyes clear enough to see distinctly his young companion, who, +following the injunctions of the Lady of Azay, regaled him well with +glance and gesture, believing there could be no danger near so old a +fellow, in such wise that Blanche--naive and nice as she was in +contradistinction to the girls of Touraine, who are as wide-awake as a +spring morning--permitted the good man first to kiss her hand, and +afterwards her neck, rather low-down; at least so said the archbishop +who married them the week after; and that was a beautiful bridal, and +a still more beautiful bride. + +The said Blanche was slender and graceful as no other girl, and still +better than that, more maidenly than ever maiden was; a maiden all +ignorant of love, who knew not why or what it was; a maiden who +wondered why certain people lingered in their beds; a maiden who +believed that children were found in parsley beds. Her mother had thus +reared her in innocence, without even allowing her to consider, trifle +as it was, how she sucked in her soup between her teeth. Thus she was +a sweet flower, and intact, joyous and innocent; an angel, who needed +but the wings to fly away to Paradise. When she left the poor lodging +of her weeping mother to consummate her betrothal at the cathedral of +St. Gatien and St. Maurice, the country people came to a feast their +eyes upon the bride, and on the carpets which were laid down all along +the the Rue de la Scellerie, and all said that never had tinier feet +pressed the ground of Touraine, prettier eyes gazed up to heaven, or a +more splendid festival adorned the streets with carpets and with +flowers. The young girls of St. Martin and of the boroughs of Chateau- +Neuf, all envied the long brown tresses with which doubtless Blanche +had fished for a count, but much more did they desire the gold +embroidered dress, the foreign stones, the white diamonds, and the +chains with which the little darling played, and which bound her for +ever to the said seneschal. The old soldier was so merry by her side, +that his happiness showed itself in his wrinkles, his looks, and his +movements. Although he was hardly as straight as a billhook, he held +himself so by the side of Blanche, that one would have taken him for a +soldier on parade receiving his officer, and he placed his hand on his +diaphragm like a man whose pleasure stifles and troubles him. +Delighted with the sound of the swinging bells, the procession, the +pomps, and the vanities of the said marriage, which was talked of long +after the episcopal rejoicings, the women desired a harvest of Moorish +girls, a deluge of old seneschals, and baskets full of Egyptian +baptisms. But this was the only one that ever happened in Touraine, +seeing that the country is far from Egypt and from Bohemia. The Lady +of Azay received a large sum of money after the ceremony, which +enabled her to start immediately for Acre to go to her spouse, +accompanied by the lieutenant and soldiers of the Count of Roche- +Corbon, who furnished them with everything necessary. She set out on +the day of the wedding, after having placed her daughter in the hands +of the seneschal, enjoining him to treat her well; and later on she +returned with the Sire d'Azay, who was leprous, and she cured him, +tending him herself, running the risk of being contaminated, the which +was greatly admired. + +The marriage ceremony finished and at an end--for it lasted three +days, to the great contentment of the people--Messire Bruyn with great +pomp led the little one to his castle, and, according to the custom of +husbands, had her put solemnly to bed in his couch, which was blessed +by the Abbot of Marmoustiers; then came and placed himself beside her +in the great feudal chamber of Roche-Corbon, which had been hung with +green blockade and ribbon of golden wire. When old Bruyn, perfumed all +over, found himself side by side with his pretty wife, he kissed her +first upon the forehead, and then upon the little round, white breast, +on the same spot where she had allowed him to clasp the fastenings of +the chain, but that was all. The old fellow had too great confidence +in himself in fancying himself able to accomplish more; so then he +abstained from love in spite of the merry nuptial songs, the +epithalamiums and jokes which were going on in the rooms beneath where +the dancing was still kept up. He refreshed himself with a drink of +the marriage beverage, which according to custom, had been blessed and +placed near them in a golden cup. The spices warned his stomach well +enough, but not the heart of his dead ardour. Blanche was not at all +astonished at the demeanour of her spouse, because she was a virgin in +mind, and in marriage she saw only that which is visible to the eyes +of young girls--namely dresses, banquets, horses, to be a lady and +mistress, to have a country seat, to amuse oneself and give orders; +so, like the child that she was, she played with the gold tassels on +the bed, and marvelled at the richness of the shrine in which her +innocence should be interred. Feeling, a little later in the day, his +culpability, and relying on the future, which, however, would spoil a +little every day that with which he pretended to regale his wife, the +seneschal tried to substitute the word for the deed. So he entertained +his wife in various ways, promised her the keys of his sideboards, his +granaries and chests, the perfect government of his houses and domains +without any control, hanging round her neck "the other half of the +loaf," which is the popular saying in Touraine. She became like a +young charger full of hay, found her good man the most gallant fellow +in the world, and raising herself upon her pillow began to smile, and +beheld with greater joy this beautiful green brocaded bed, where +henceforward she would be permitted, without any sin, to sleep every +night. Seeing she was getting playful, the cunning lord, who had not +been used to maidens, but knew from experience the little tricks that +women will practice, seeing that he had much associated with ladies of +the town, feared those handy tricks, little kisses, and minor +amusements of love which formerly he did not object to, but which at +the present time would have found him cold as the obit of a pope. Then +he drew back towards the end of the bed, afraid of his happiness, and +said to his too delectable spouse, "Well, darling, you are a +seneschal's wife now, and very well seneschaled as well." + +"Oh no!" said she. + +"How no!" replied he in great fear; "are you not a wife?" + +"No!" said she. "Nor shall I be till I have had a child." + +"Did you while coming here see the meadows?" began again the old +fellow. + +"Yes," said she. + +"Well, they are yours." + +"Oh! Oh!" replied she laughing, "I shall amuse myself much there +catching butterflies." + +"That's a good girl," says her lord. "And the woods?" + +"Ah! I should not like to be there alone, you will take me there. +But," said she, "give me a little of that liquor which La Ponneuse has +taken such pains to prepare for us." + +"And why, my darling? It would put fire in your body." + +"Oh! That's what I should like," said she, biting her lip with +vexation, "because I desire to give you a child as soon as possible; +and I'm sure that liquor is good for the purpose." + +"Ah! my little one," said the seneschal, knowing by this that Blanche +was a virgin from head to foot, "the goodwill of God is necessary for +this business, and women must be in a state of harvest." + +"And when should I be in a state of harvest?" asked she, smiling. + +"When nature so wills it," said he, trying to laugh. + +"What is it necessary to do for this?" replied she. + +"Ah! A cabalistical and alchemical operation which is very dangerous." + +"Ah!" said she, with a dreamy look, "that's the reason why my mother +cried when thinking of the said metamorphosis; but Bertha de Breuilly, +who is so thankful for being made a wife, told me it was the easiest +thing in the world." + +"That's according to the age," replied the old lord. "But did you see +at the stable the beautiful white mare so much spoken of in Touraine?" + +"Yes, she is very gentle and nice." + +"Well, I give her to you, and you can ride her as often as the fancy +takes you." + +"Oh, you are very kind, and they did not lie when they told me so." + +"Here," continued he, "sweetheart; the butler, the chaplain, the +treasurer, the equerry, the farrier, the bailiff, even the Sire de +Montsoreau, the young varlet whose name is Gauttier and bears my +banner, with his men at arms, captains, followers, and beasts--all are +yours, and will instantly obey your orders under pain of being +incommoded with a hempen collar." + +"But," replied she, "this mysterious operation--cannot it be performed +immediately?" + +"Oh no!" replied the seneschal. "Because it is necessary above all +things that both the one and the other of us should be in a state of +grace before God; otherwise we should have a bad child, full of sin; +which is forbidden by the canons of the church. This is the reason +that there are so many incorrigible scapegraces in the world. Their +parents have not wisely waited to have their souls pure, and have +given wicked souls to their children. The beautiful and the virtuous +come of immaculate fathers; that is why we cause our beds to be +blessed, as the Abbot of Marmoustiers has done this one. Have you not +transgressed the ordinances of the Church?" + +"Oh no," said she, quickly, "I received before Mass absolution for all +my faults and have remained since without committing the slightest +sin." + +"You are very perfect," said the cunning lord, "and I am delighted to +have you for a wife; but I have sworn like an infidel." + +"Oh! and why?" + +"Because the dancing did not finish, and I could not have you to +myself to bring you here and kiss you." + +Thereupon he gallantly took her hands and covered them with kisses, +whispering to her little endearments and superficial words of +affection which made her quite pleased and contented. + +Then, fatigued with the dance and all the ceremonies, she settled down +to her slumbers, saying to the seneschal-- + +"I will take care tomorrow that you shall not sin," and she left the +old man quite smitten with her white beauty, amorous of her delicate +nature, and as embarrassed to know how he should be able to keep her +in her innocence as to explain why oxen chew their food twice over. +Although he did not augur to himself any good therefrom, it inflamed +him so much to see the exquisite perfections of Blanche during her +innocent and gentle sleep, that he resolved to preserve and defend +this pretty jewel of love. With tears in his eyes he kissed her sweet +golden tresses, the beautiful eyelids, and her ripe red mouth, and he +did it softly for fear of waking her. There was all his fruition, the +dumb delight which still inflamed his heart without in the least +affecting Blanche. Then he deplored the snows of his leafless old age, +the poor old man, that he saw clearly that God had amused himself by +giving him nuts when his teeth were gone. + + + +HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY. + +During the first days of his marriage the seneschal imprinted many +fibs to tell his wife, whose so estimable innocence he abused. +Firstly, he found in his judicial functions good excuses for leaving +her at times alone; then he occupied himself with the peasants of the +neighbourhood, and took them to dress the vines on his lands at +Vouvray, and at length pampered her up with a thousand absurd tales. + +At one time he would say that lords did not behave like common people, +that the children were only planted at certain celestial conjunctions +ascertained by learned astrologers; at another that one should abstain +from begetting children on feast days, because it was a great +undertaking; and he observed the feasts like a man who wished to enter +into Paradise without consent. Sometimes he would pretend that if by +chance the parents were not in a state of grace, the children +commenced on the date of St. Claire would be blind, of St. Gatien had +the gout, of St. Agnes were scaldheaded, of St. Roch had the plague; +sometimes that those begotten in February were chilly; in March, too +turbulent; in April, were worth nothing at all; and that handsome boys +were conceived in May. In short, he wished his child to be perfect, to +have his hair of two colours; and for this it was necessary that all +the required conditions should be observed. At other times he would +say to Blanche that the right of a man was to bestow a child upon his +wife according to his sole and unique will, and that if she pretended +to be a virtuous woman she should conform to the wishes of her +husband; in fact it was necessary to await the return of the Lady of +Azay in order that she should assist at the confinement; from all of +which Blanche concluded that the seneschal was annoyed by her +requests, and was perhaps right, since he was old and full of +experience; so she submitted herself and thought no more, except to +herself, of this so much-desired child, that is to say, she was always +thinking of it, like a woman who has a desire in her head, without +suspecting that she was behaving like a gay lady or a town-walker +running after her enjoyment. One evening, by accident, Bruyn spoke of +children, a discourse that he avoided as cats avoid water, but he was +complaining of a boy condemned by him that morning for great misdeeds, +saying for certain he was the offspring of people laden with mortal +sins. + +"Alas!" said Blanche, "if you will give me one, although you have not +got absolution, I will correct so well that you will be pleased with +him." + +Then the count saw that his wife was bitten by a warm desire, and that +it was time to dissipate her innocence in order to make himself master +of it, to conquer it, to beat it, or to appease and extinguish it. + +"What, my dear, you wish to be a mother?" said he; "you do not yet +know the business of a wife, you are not accustomed to being mistress +of the house." + +"Oh! Oh!" said she, "to be a perfect countess, and have in my loins a +little count, must I play the great lady? I will do it, and +thoroughly." + +Then Blanche, in order to obtain issue, began to hunt the fawns and +stags, leaping the ditches, galloping upon her mare over valleys and +mountain, through the woods and the fields, taking great delight in +watching the falcons fly, in unhooding them and while hunting always +carried them gracefully upon her little wrist, which was what the +seneschal had desired. But in this pursuit, Blanche gained an appetite +of nun and prelate, that is to say, wished to procreate, had her +desires whetted, and could scarcely restrain her hunger, when on her +return she gave play to her teeth. Now by reason of reading the +legends written by the way, and of separating by death the embraces of +birds and wild beasts, she discovered a mystery of natural alchemy, +while colouring her complexion, and superagitating her feeble +imagination, which did little to pacify her warlike nature, and +strongly tickled her desire which laughed, played, and frisked +unmistakably. The seneschal thought to disarm the rebellious virtue of +his wife by making her scour the country; but his fraud turned out +badly, for the unknown lust that circulated in the veins of Blanche +emerged from these assaults more hardy than before, inviting jousts +and tourneys as the herald the armed knight. + +The good lord saw then that he had grossly erred and that he was now +upon the horns of a dilemma; also he no longer knew what course to +adopt; the longer he left it the more it would resist. From this +combat, there must result one conquered and one contused--a diabolical +contusion which he wished to keep distant from his physiognomy by +God's help until after his death. The poor seneschal had already great +trouble to follow his lady to the chase, without being dismounted; he +sweated under the weight of his trappings, and almost expired in that +pursuit wherein his frisky wife cheered her life and took great +pleasure. Many times in the evening she wished to dance. Now the good +man, swathed in his heavy clothing, found himself quite worn out with +these exercises, in which he was constrained to participate either in +giving her his hand, when she performed the vaults of the Moorish +girl, or in holding the lighted fagot for her, when she had a fancy to +do the torchlight dance; and in spite of his sciaticas, accretions, +and rheumatisms, he was obliged to smile and say to her some gentle +words and gallantries after all the evolutions, mummeries, and comic +pantomimes, which she indulged in to divert herself; for he loved her +so madly that if she had asked him for an impossibility he would have +sought one for her immediately. + +Nevertheless, one fine day he recognised the fact that his frame was +in a state of too great debility to struggle with the vigorous nature +of his wife, and humiliating himself before his wife's virtue he +resolved to let things take their course, relying a little upon the +modesty, religion, and bashfulness of Blanche, but he always slept +with one eye open, for he suspected that God had perhaps made +virginities to be taken like partridges, to be spitted and roasted. +One wet morning, when the weather was that in which the snails make +their tracks, a melancholy time, and suitable to reverie, Blanche was +in the house sitting in her chair in deep thought, because nothing +produces more lively concoctions of the substantive essences, and no +receipt, specific or philter is more penetrating, transpiercing or +doubly transpiercing and titillating than the subtle warmth which +simmers between the nap of the chair and a maiden sitting during +certain weather. + +Now without knowing it the Countess was incommoded by her innocence, +which gave more trouble than it was worth to her brain, and gnawed her +all over. Then the good man, seriously grieved to see her languishing, +wished to drive away the thoughts which were ultra-conjugal principles +of love. + +"Whence comes your sadness, sweetheart?" said he. + +"From shame." + +"What then affronts you?" + +"The not being a good woman; because I am without a child, and you +without lineage! Is one a lady without progeny? Nay! Look! . . . All +my neighbours have it, and I was married to have it, as you to give it +to me; the nobles of Touraine are all amply furnished with children, +and their wives give them lapfuls, you alone have none, they laugh at +you there. What will become of your name and your fiefs and your +seigniories? A child is our natural company; it is a delight to us to +make a fright of it, to fondle it, to swaddle it, to dress and undress +it, to cuddle it, to sing it lullabies, to cradle it, to get it up, to +put it to bed, and to nourish it, and I feel that if I had only the +half of one, I would kiss it, swaddle it, and unharness it, and I +would make it jump and crow all day long, as the other ladies do." + +"Were it not that in giving them birth women die, and that for this +you are still too delicate and too close in the bud, you would already +be a mother," replied the seneschal, made giddy with the flow of +words. "But will you buy one ready-made?--that will cost you neither +pain nor labour." + +"But," said she, "I want the pain and labour, without which it will +not be ours. I know very well it should be the fruit of my body, +because at church they say that Jesus was the fruit of the Virgin's +womb." + +"Very well, then pray God that it may be so," cried the seneschal, +"and intercede with the Virgin of Egrignolles. Many a lady has +conceived after the neuvaine; you must not fail to do one." + +Then the same day Blanche set out towards Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles, +decked out like a queen riding her beautiful mare, having on her a +robe of green velvet, laced down with fine gold lace, open at the +breast, having sleeves of scarlet, little shoes and a high hat +ornamented with precious stones, and a gold waistband that showed off +her little waist, as slim as a pole. She wished to give her dress to +Madame the Virgin, and in fact promised it to her, for the day of her +churching. The Sire de Montsoreau galloped before her, his eye bright +as that of a hawk, keeping the people back and guarding with his +knights the security of the journey. Near Marmoustiers the seneschal, +rendered sleepy by the heat, seeing it was the month of August, +waggled about in his saddle, like a diadem upon the head of a cow, and +seeing so frolicsome and so pretty a lady by the side of so old a +fellow, a peasant girl, who was squatting near the trunk of a tree and +drinking water out of her stone jug inquired of a toothless old hag, +who picked up a trifle by gleaning, if this princess was going to bury +her dead. + +"Nay," said the old woman, "it is our lady of Roche-Corbon, wife of +the seneschal of Poitou and Touraine, in quest of a child." + +"Ah! Ah!" said the young girl, laughing like a fly just satisfied; +then pointing to the handsome knight who was at the head of the +procession--"he who marches at the head would manage that; she would +save the wax-candles and the vow." + +"Ha! my little one," replied the hag, "I am rather surprised that she +should go to Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles seeing that there are no +handsome priests there. She might very well stop for a short time +beneath the shadow the belfry of Marmoustiers; she would soon be +fertile, those good fathers are so lively." + +"By a nun's oath!" said a tramp walking up, "look; the Sire de +Montsoreau is lively and delicate enough to open the lady's heart, the +more so as he is well formed to do so." + +And all commenced a laugh. The Sire de Montsoreau wished to go to them +and hang them in lime-tree by the road as a punishment for their bad +words, but Blanche cried out quickly-- + +"Oh, sir, do not hang them yet. They have not said all they mean; and +we shall see them on our return." + +She blushed, and the Sire de Montsoreau looked at her eagerly, as +though to shoot into her the mystic comprehensions of love, but the +clearing out of her intelligence had already been commenced by the +sayings of the peasants which were fructifying in her understanding-- +her innocence was like touchwood, there was only need for a word to +inflame it. + +Thus Blanche perceived now the notable and physical differences +between the qualities of her old husband and perfections of the said +Gauttier, a gentleman who was not over affected with his twenty-three +years, but held himself upright as a ninepin in the saddle, and as +wide-awake as the matin chimes, while in contrast to him, slept the +seneschal; he had courage and dexterity there where his master failed. +He was one of those smart fellows whom the jades would sooner wear at +night than a leathern garment, because they then no longer fear the +fleas; there are some who vituperate them, but no one should be +blamed, because every one should sleep as he likes. + +So much did the seneschal's lady think, and so imperially well, that +by the time she arrived at the bridge of Tours, she loved Gauttier +secretly, as a maiden loves, without suspecting that it is love. From +that she became a proper woman, that is to say, she desired the good +of others, the best that men have, she fell into a fit of love- +sickness, going at the first jump to the depth of her misery, seeing +that all is flame between the first coveting and the last desire, and +she knew not how she then learned that by the eyes can flow in a +subtle essence, causing such powerful corrosions in all the veins of +the body, recesses of the heart, nerves of the members, roots of the +hair, perspiration of the substance, limbo of the brain, orifices of +the epidermis, windings of the pluck, tubes of the hypochondriac and +other channels which in her was suddenly dilated, heated, tickled, +envenomed, clawed, harrowed, and disturbed, as if she had a basketful +of needles in her inside. This was a maiden's desire, a well- +conditioned desire, which troubled her sight to such a degree that she +no longer saw her old spouse, but clearly the young Gauttier, whose +nature was as ample as the glorious chin of an abbot. When the good +man entered Tours the Ah! Ah! of the crowd woke him up, and he came +with great pomp with his suite to the Church of Notre-Dame de +l'Egrignolles, formerly called la greigneur, as if you said that which +has the most merit. Blanche went into the chapel where children are +asked to God and of the Virgin, and went there alone, as was the +custom, always however in the presence of the seneschal, of his +varlets and the loiterers who remained outside the grill. When the +countess saw the priest come who had charge of the masses said for +children, and who received the said vows, she asked him if there were +many barren women. To which the good priest replied, that he must not +complain, and that the children were good revenue to the Church. + +"And do you often see," said Blanche, "young women with such old +husbands as my lord?" + +"Rarely," said he. + +"But have those obtained offspring?" + +"Always," replied the priest smiling. + +"And the others whose companions are not so old?" + +"Sometimes." + +"Oh! Oh!" said she, "there is more certainty then with one like the +seneschal?" + +"To be sure," said the priest. + +"Why?" said she. + +"Madame," gravely replied priest, "before that age God alone +interferes with the affair, after, it is the men." + +At this time it was a true thing that all the wisdom had gone to the +clergy. Blanch made her vow, which was a very profitable one, seeing +that her decorations were worth quite two thousand gold crowns. + +"You are very joyful!" said the old seneschal to her when on the home +journey she made her mare prance, jump, and frisk. + +"Yes, yes!" said she. "There is no longer any doubt about my having a +child, because any one can help me, the priest said: I shall take +Gauttier." + +The seneschal wished to go and slay the monk, but he thought that was +a crime which would cost him too much, and he resolved cunningly to +arrange his vengeance with the help of the archbishop; and before the +housetops of Roche-Corbon came in sight he had ordered the Sire de +Montsoreau to seek a little retirement in his own country, which the +young Gauttier did, knowing the ways of the lord. The seneschal put in +the place of the said Gauttier the son of the Sire de Jallanges, whose +fief was held from Roche-Corbon. He was a young boy named Rene, +approaching fourteen years, and he made him a page, awaiting the time +when he should be old enough to be an equerry, and gave the command of +his men to an old cripple, with whom he had knocked about a great deal +in Palestine and other places. Thus the good man believed he would +avoid the horned trappings of cuckoldom, and would still be able to +girth, bridle, and curb the factious innocence of his wife, which +struggled like a mule held by a rope. + + +THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN. + +The Sunday following the arrival of Rene at the manor of Roche-Corbon, +Blanche went out hunting without her goodman, and when she was in the +forest near Les Carneaux, saw a monk who appeared to be pushing a girl +about more than was necessary, and spurred on her horse, saying to her +people, "Ho there! Don't let him kill her." But when the seneschal's +lady arrived close to them, she turned her horse's head quickly and +the sight she beheld prevented her from hunting. She came back +pensive, and then the lantern of her intelligence opened, and received +a bright light, which made a thousand things clear, such as church and +other pictures, fables, and lays of the troubadours, or the domestic +arrangements of birds; suddenly she discovered the sweet mystery of +love written in all languages, even in that of the Carps'. Is it not +silly thus to seal this science from maidens? Soon Blanche went to +bed, and soon said she to the seneschal-- + +"Bruyn, you have deceived me, you ought to behave as the monk of the +Carneaux behaved to the girl." + +Old Bruyn suspected the adventure, and saw well that his evil hour was +at hand. He regarded Blanche with too much fire in his eyes for the +same ardour to be lower down, and answered her softly-- + +"Alas! sweetheart, in taking you for my wife I had more love than +strength, and I have taken advantage of your clemency and virtue. The +great sorrow of my life is to feel all my capability in my heart only. +This sorrow hastens my death little by little, so that you will soon +be free. Wait for my departure from this world. That is the sole +request that he makes of you, he who is your master, and who could +command you, but who wishes only to be your prime minister and slave. +Do not betray the honour of my white hairs! Under these circumstances +there have been lords who have slain their wives. + +"Alas! you will not kill me?" said she. + +"No," replied the old man, "I love thee too much, little one; why, +thou art the flower of my old age, the joy of my soul. Thou art my +well-beloved daughter; the sight of thee does good to mine eyes, and +from thee I could endure anything, be it a sorrow or a joy, provided +that thou does not curse too much the poor Bruyn who has made thee a +great lady, rich and honoured. Wilt thou not be a lovely widow? And +thy happiness will soften the pangs of death." + +And he found in his dried-up eyes still one tear which trickled quite +warm down his fir-cone coloured face, and fell upon the hand of +Blanche, who, grieved to behold this great love of her old spouse who +would put himself under the ground to please her, said laughingly-- + +"There! there! don't cry, I will wait." + +Thereupon the seneschal kissed her hands and regaled her with little +endearments, saying with a voice quivering with emotion-- + +"If you knew, Blanche my darling, how I devour thee in thy sleep with +caresses, now here, now there!" And the old ape patted her with his +two hands, which were nothing but bones. And he continued, "I dared +not waken the cat that would have strangled my happiness, since at +this occupation of love I only embraced with my heart." + +"Ah!" replied she, "you can fondle me thus even when my eyes are open; +that has not the least effect upon me." + +At these words the poor seneschal, taking the little dagger which was +on the table by the bed, gave it to her, saying with passion-- + +"My darling, kill me, or let me believe that you love me a little!" + +"Yes, yes," said she, quite frightened, "I will try to love you much." + +Behold how this young maidenhood made itself master of this old man +and subdued him, for in the name of the sweet face of Venus, Blanche, +endowed with the natural artfulness of women, made her old Bruyn come +and go like a miller's mule. + +"My good Bruyn, I want this! Bruyn, I want that--go on Bruyn!" Bruyn! +Bruyn! And always Bruyn in such a way that Bruyn was more worn-out by +the clemency of his wife than he would have been by her unkindness. +She turned his brain wishing that everything should be in scarlet, +making him turn everything topsy-turvy at the least movement of her +eyebrow, and when she was sad the seneschal distracted, would say to +everything from his judicial seat, "Hang him!" Another would have died +like a fly at this conflict with the maid's innocence, but Bruyn was +of such an iron nature that it was difficult to finish him off. One +evening that Blanche had turned the house upside-down, upset the men +and the beasts, and would by her aggravating humour have made the +eternal father desperate--he who has such an infinite treasure of +patience since he endures us--she said to the seneschal while getting +into bed, "My good Bruyn, I have low down fancies, that bite and prick +me; thence they rise into my heart, inflame my brain, incite me +therein to evil deeds, and in the night I dream of the monk of the +Carneaux." + +"My dear," replied the seneschal, "these are devilries and temptations +against which the monks and nuns know how to defend themselves. If you +will gain salvation, go and confess to the worthy Abbot of +Marmoustiers, our neighbour; he will advise you well and will holily +direct you in the good way." + +"Tomorrow I will go," said she. + +And indeed directly it was day, she trotted off to the monastery of +the good brethren, who marvelled to see among them so pretty a lady; +committed more than one sin through her in the evening; and for the +present led her with great ceremony to their reverend abbot. + +Blanche found the said good man in a private garden near the high rock +under a flower arcade, and remained stricken with respect at the +countenance of the holy man, although she was accustomed not to think +much of grey hairs. + +"God preserve you, Madame; what can you have to seek of one so near +death, you so young?" + +"Your precious advice," said she, saluting him with a courtesy; "and +if it will please you to guide so undutiful a sheep, I shall be well +content to have so wise a confessor." + +"My daughter," answered the monk, with whom old Bruyn had arranged +this hypocrisy and the part to play, "if I had not the chills of a +hundred winters upon this unthatched head, I should not dare to listen +to your sins, but say on; if you enter paradise, it will be through +me." + +Then the seneschal's wife set forth the small fry of her stock in +hand, and when she was purged of her little iniquities, she came to +the postscript of her confession. + +"Ah! my father!" said she, "I must confess to you that I am daily +exercised by the desire to have a child. Is it wrong?" + +"No," said the abbot. + +But she went on, "It is by nature commanded to my husband not to draw +from his wealth to bring about his poverty, as the old women say by +the way." + +"Then," replied the priest, "you must live virtuously and abstain from +all thoughts of this kind." + +"But I have heard it professed by the Lady of Jallanges, that it was +not a sin when from it one derived neither profit nor pleasure." + +"There always is pleasure," said the abbot, "but don't count upon the +child as a profit. Now fix this in your understanding, that it will +always be a mortal sin before God and a crime before men to bring +forth a child through the embraces of a man to whom one is not +ecclesiastically married. Thus those women who offend against the holy +laws of marriage, suffer great penalties in the other world, are in +the power of horrible monsters with sharp and tearing claws, who +thrust them into flaming furnaces in remembrance of the fact that here +below they have warmed their hearts a little more than was lawful." + +Thereupon Blanche scratched her ear, and having thought to herself for +a little while, she said to the priest, "How then did the Virgin +Mary?" + +"Ah!" replied abbot, "that it is a mystery." + +"And what is a mystery?" + +"A thing that cannot be explained, and which one ought to believe +without enquiring into it." + +"Well then," said she, "cannot I perform a mystery?" + +"This one," said the Abbot, "only happened once, because it was the +Son of God." + +"Alas! my father, is it then the will of God that I should die, or +that from wise and sound comprehension my brain should be turned? Of +this there is a great danger. Now in me something moves and excites +me, and I am no longer in my senses. I care for nothing, and to find a +man I would leap the walls, dash over the fields without shame and +tear my things into tatters, only to see that which so much excited +the monk of the Carneaux; and during these passions which work and +prick my mind and body, there is neither God, devil, nor husband. I +spring, I run, I smash up the wash-tubs, the pots, the farm +implements, a fowl-house, the household things, and everything, in a +way that I cannot describe. But I dare not confess to you all my +misdeeds, because speaking of them makes my mouth water, and the thing +with which God curses me makes me itch dreadfully. If this folly bites +and pricks me, and slays my virtue, will God, who has placed this +great love in my body, condemn me to perdition?" + +At this question it was the priest who scratched his ear, quite +dumbfounded by the lamentations, profound wisdom, controversies and +intelligence that this virginity secreted. + +"My daughter," said he, "God has distinguished us from the beasts and +made us a paradise to gain, and for this given us reason, which is a +rudder to steer us against tempests and our ambitious desires, and +there is a means of easing the imaginations of one's brain by fasting, +excessive labours, and other virtues; and instead of frisking and +fretting like a child let loose from school, you should pray to the +virgin, sleep on a hard board, attend to your household duties, and +never be idle." + +"Ah! my father, when I am at church in my seat, I see neither the +priest nor the altar, only the infant Jesus, who brings the thing into +my head. But to finish, if my head is turned and my mind wanders, I am +in the lime-twigs of love." + +"If thus you were," said the abbot, imprudently, "you would be in the +position of Saint Lidoire, who in a deep sleep one day, one leg here +and one leg there, through the great heat and scantily attired, was +approached by a young man full of mischief, who dexterously seduced +her, and as of this trick the saint was thoroughly ignorant, and much +surprised at being brought to bed, thinking that her unusual size was +a serious malady, she did penance for it as a venial sin, as she had +no pleasure in this wicked business, according to the statement of the +wicked man, who said upon the scaffold where he was executed, that the +saint had in nowise stirred." + +"Oh, my father," said she, "be sure that I should not stir more than +she did!" + +With this statement she went away prettily and gracefully, smiling and +thinking how she could commit a venial sin. On her return from the +great monastery, she saw in the courtyard of her castle the little +Jallanges, who under the superintendence of an old groom was turning +and wheeling about on a fine horse, bending with the movements of the +animal, dismounting and mounting again with vaults and leaps most +gracefully, and with lissome thighs, so pretty, so dextrous, so +upright as to be indescribable, so much so, that he would have made +the Queen Lucrece long for him, she who killed herself from having +been contaminated against her will. + +"Ah!" said Blanche, "if only this page were fifteen, I would go to +sleep comfortably very near to him." + +Then, in spite of the too great youth of this charming servitor, +during the collation and supper, she eyed frequently the black hair, +the white skin, the grace of Rene, above all his eyes, where was an +abundance of limpid warmth and a great fire of life, which he was +afraid to shoot out--child that he was. + +Now in the evening, as the seneschal's wife sat thoughtfully in her +chair in the corner of the fireplace, old Bruyn interrogated her as to +her trouble. + +"I am thinking." said she, "that you must have fought the battles of +love very early, to be thus completely broken up." + +"Oh!" smiled he, smiling like all old men questioned upon their +amorous remembrances, "at the age of thirteen and a half I had +overcome the scruples of my mother's waiting woman." + +Blanche wished to hear nothing more, but believed the page Rene should +be equally advanced, and she was quite joyous and practised little +allurements on the good man, and wallowed silently in her desire, like +a cake which is being floured. + + +HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED. + +The seneschal's wife did not think long over the best way quickly to +awaken the love of the page, and had soon discovered the natural +ambuscade in the which the most wary are taken. This is how: at the +warmest hour of the day the good man took his siesta after the Saracen +fashion, a habit in which he had never failed, since his return from +the Holy Land. During this time Blanche was alone in the grounds, +where the women work at their minor occupations, such as broidering +and stitching, and often remained in the rooms looking after the +washing, putting the clothes tidy, or running about at will. Then she +appointed this quiet hour to complete the education of the page, +making him read books and say his prayers. Now on the morrow, when at +the mid-day hour the seneschal slept, succumbing to the sun which +warms with its most luminous rays the slopes of Roche-Corbon, so much +so that one is obliged to sleep, unless annoyed, upset, and +continually roused by a devil of a young woman. Blanche then +gracefully perched herself in the great seignorial chair of her good +man, which she did not find any too high, since she counted upon the +chances of perspective. The cunning jade settled herself dextrously +therein, like a swallow in its nest, and leaned her head maliciously +upon her arm like a child that sleeps; but in making her preparations +she opened fond eyes, that smiled and winked in advance of the little +secret thrills, sneezes, squints, and trances of the page who was +about to lie at her feet, separated from her by the jump of an old +flea; and in fact she advanced so much and so near the square of +velvet where the poor child should kneel, whose life and soul she +trifled with, that had he been a saint of stone, his glance would have +been constrained to follow the flexousities of the dress in order to +admire and re-admire the perfections and beauties of the shapely leg, +which moulded the white stocking of the seneschal's lady. Thus it was +certain that a weak varlet would be taken in the snare, wherein the +most vigorous knight would willingly have succumbed. When she had +turned, returned, placed and displaced her body, and found the +situation in which the page would be most comfortable, she cried, +gently. "Rene!" Rene, whom she knew well was in the guard-room, did +not fail to run in and quickly thrust his brown head between the +tapestries of the door. + +"What do you please to wish?" said the page. And he held with great +respect in his hand his shaggy scarlet cap, less red than his fresh +dimpled cheeks. + +"Come hither," replied she, under her breath, for the child attracted +her so strongly that she was quite overcome. + +And forsooth there were no jewels so sparkling as the eyes of Rene, no +vellum whiter than his skin, no woman more exquisite in shape--and so +near to her desire, she found him still more sweetly formed--and was +certain that the merry frolics of love would radiate well from this +youth, the warm sun, the silence, et cetera. + +"Read me the litanies of Madame the Virgin," said she to him, pushing +an open book him on her prieu-dieu. "Let me see if you are well taught +by your master." + +"Do you not think the Virgin beautiful?" asked she of him, smiling +when he held the illuminated prayer-book in which glowed the silver +and gold. + +"It is a painting," replied he, timidly, and casting a little glance +upon his so gracious mistress. + +"Read! read!" + +Then Rene began to recite the so sweet and so mystic litanies; but you +may imagine that the "Ora pro nobis" of Blanche became still fainter +and fainter, like the sound of the horn in the woodlands, and when the +page went on, "Oh, Rose of mystery," the lady, who certainly heard +distinctly, replied by a gentle sigh. Thereupon Rene suspected that +his mistress slept. Then he commenced to cover her with his regard, +admiring her at his leisure, and had then no wish to utter any anthem +save the anthem of love. His happiness made his heart leap and bound +into his throat; thus, as was but natural, these two innocents burned +one against the other, but if they could have foreseen never would +have intermingled. Rene feasted his eyes, planning in his mind a +thousand fruitions of love that brought the water into his mouth. In +his ecstasy he let his book fall, which made him feel as sheepish as a +monk surprised at a child's tricks; but also from that he knew that +Blanche was sound asleep, for she did not stir, and the wily jade +would not have opened her eyes even at the greatest dangers, and +reckoned on something else falling as well as the book of prayer. + +There is no worse longing than the longing of a woman in certain +condition. Now, the page noticed his lady's foot, which was delicately +slippered in a little shoe of a delicate blue colour. She had +angularly placed it on a footstool, since she was too high in the +seneschal's chair. This foot was of narrow proportions, delicately +curved, as broad as two fingers, and as long as a sparrow, tail +included, small at the top--a true foot of delight, a virginal foot +that merited a kiss as a robber does the gallows; a roguish foot; a +foot wanton enough to damn an archangel; an ominous foot; a devilishly +enticing foot, which gave one a desire to make two new ones just like +it to perpetuate in this lower world the glorious works of God. The +page was tempted to take the shoe from this persuasive foot. To +accomplish this his eyes glowing with the fire of his age, went +swiftly, like the clapper of a bell, from this said foot of +delectation to the sleeping countenance of his lady and mistress, +listening to her slumber, drinking in her respiration again and again, +it did not know where it would be sweetest to plant a kiss--whether on +the ripe red lips of the seneschal's wife or on this speaking foot. At +length, from respect or fear, or perhaps from great love, he chose the +foot, and kissed it hastily, like a maiden who dares not. Then +immediately he took up his book, feeling his red cheeks redder still, +and exercised with his pleasure, he cried like a blind man--"Janua +coeli,: gate of Heaven." But Blanche did not move, making sure that +the page would go from foot to knee, and thence to "Janua coeli,: gate +of Heaven." She was greatly disappointed when the litanies finished +without any other mischief, and Rene, believing he had had enough +happiness for one day, ran out of the room quite lively, richer from +this hardy kiss than a robber who has robbed the poor-box. + +When the seneschal's lady was alone, she thought to herself that this +page would be rather a long time at his task if he amused himself with +the singing of the Magnificat at matins. Then she determined on the +morrow to raise her foot a little, and then to bring to light those +hidden beauties that are called perfect in Touraine, because they take +no hurt in the open air, and are always fresh. You can imagine that +the page, burned by his desire and his imagination, heated by the day +before, awaited impatiently the hour to read in this breviary of +gallantry, and was called; and the conspiracy of the litanies +commenced again, and Blanche did not fail to fall asleep. This time +the said Rene fondled with his hand the pretty limb, and even ventured +so far as to verify if the polished knee and its surroundings were +satin. At this sight the poor child, armed against his desire, so +great was his fear, dared only to make brief devotion and curt +caresses, and although he kissed softly this fair surface, he remained +bashful, the which, feeling by the senses of her soul and the +intelligence of her body, the seneschal's lady who took great care not +to move, called out to him--"Ah, Rene, I am asleep." + +Hearing what he believed to be a stern reproach, the page frightened +ran away, leaving the books, the task, and all. Thereupon, the +seneschal's better half added this prayer to the litany--"Holy Virgin, +how difficult children are to make." + +At dinner her page perspired all down his back while waiting on his +lady and her lord; but he was very much surprised when he received +from Blanche the most shameless of all glances that ever woman cast, +and very pleasant and powerful it was, seeing that it changed this +child into a man of courage. Now, the same evening Bruyn staying a +little longer than was his custom in his own apartment, the page went +in search of Blanche, and found her asleep, and made her dream a +beautiful dream. + +He knocked off the chains that weighed so heavily upon her, and so +plentifully bestowed upon her the sweets of love, that the surplus +would have sufficed to render to others blessed with the joys of +maternity. So then the minx, seizing the page by the head and +squeezing him to her, cried out--"Oh, Rene! Thou hast awakened me!" + +And in fact there was no sleep could stand against it, and it is +certain that saints must sleep very soundly. From this business, +without any other mystery, and by a benign faculty which is the +assisting principle of spouses, the sweet and graceful plumage, +suitable to cuckolds, was placed upon the head of the good husband +without his experiencing the slightest shock. + +After this sweet repast, the seneschal's lady took kindly to her +siesta after the French fashion, while Bruyn took his according to the +Saracen. But by the said siesta she learned how the good youth of the +page had a better taste than that of the old seneschal, and at night +she buried herself in the sheets far away from her husband, whom she +found strong and stale. And from sleeping and waking up in the day, +from taking siestas and saying litanies, the seneschal's wife felt +growing within her that treasure for which she had so often and so +ardently sighed; but now she liked more the commencement than the +fructifying of it. + +You may be sure that Rene knew how to read, not only in books, but in +the eyes of his sweet lady, for whom he would have leaped into a +flaming pile, had it been her wish he should do so. When well and +amply, more than a hundred times, the train had been laid by them, the +little lady became anxious about her soul and the future of her friend +the page. Now one rainy day, as they were playing at touch-tag, like +two children, innocent from head to foot, Blanche, who was always +caught, said to him-- + +"Come here, Rene; do you know that while I have only committed venial +sins because I was asleep, you have committed mortal ones?" + +"Ah, Madame!" said he, "where then will God stow away all the damned +if that is to sin!" + +Blanche burst out laughing, and kissed his forehead. + +"Be quiet, you naughty boy; it is a question of paradise, and we must +live there together if you wish always to be with me." + +"Oh, my paradise is here." + +"Leave off," said she. "You are a little wretch--a scapegrace who does +not think of that which I love--yourself! You do not know that I am +with child, and that in a little while I shall be no more able to +conceal it than my nose. Now, what will the abbot say? What will my +lord say? He will kill you if he puts himself in a passion. My advice +is little one, that you go to the abbot of Marmoustiers, confess your +sins to him, asking him to see what had better be done concerning my +seneschal. + +"Alas," said the artful page, "if I tell the secret of our joys, he +will put his interdict upon our love." + +"Very likely," said she; "but thy happiness in the other world is a +thing so precious to me." + +"Do you wish it my darling?" + +"Yes," replied she rather faintly. + +"Well, I will go, but sleep again that I may bid you adieu." + +And the couple recited the litany of Farewells as if they had both +foreseen that their love must finish in its April. And on the morrow, +more to save his dear lady than to save himself, and also to obey her, +Rene de Jallanges set out towards the great monastery. + + +HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT MOURNING. + +"Good God!" cried the abbot, when the page had chanted the Kyrie +eleison of his sweet sins, "thou art the accomplice of a great felony, +and thou has betrayed thy lord. Dost thou know page of darkness, that +for this thou wilt burn through all eternity? and dost thou know what +it is to lose forever the heaven above for a perishable and changeful +moment here below? Unhappy wretch! I see thee precipitated for ever in +the gulfs of hell unless thou payest to God in this world that which +thou owest him for such offence." + +Thereupon the good old abbot, who was of that flesh of which saints +are made, and who had great authority in the country of Touraine, +terrified the young man by a heap of representations, Christian +discourses, remembrances of the commandments of the Church, and a +thousand eloquent things--as many as a devil could say in six weeks to +seduce a maiden--but so many that Rene, who was in the loyal fervour +of innocence, made his submission to the good abbot. The said abbot, +wishing to make forever a good and virtuous man of this child, now in +a fair way to be a wicked one, commanded him first to go and prostrate +himself before his lord, to confess his conduct to him, and then if he +escaped from this confession, to depart instantly for the Crusades, +and go straight to the Holy Land, where he should remain fifteen years +of the time appointed to give battle to the Infidels. + +"Alas, my reverend father," said he, quite unmoved, "will fifteen +years be enough to acquit me of so much pleasure? Ah! If you knew, I +have had joy enough for a thousand years." + +"God will be generous. Go," replied the old abbot, "and sin no more. +On this account ego te absolvo." + +Poor Rene returned thereupon with great contrition to the castle of +Roche-Corbon and the first person he met was the seneschal, who was +polishing up his arms, helmets, gauntlets, and other things. He was +sitting on a great marble bench in the open air, and was amusing +himself by making shine again the splendid trappings which brought +back to him the merry pranks in the Holy Land, the good jokes, and the +wenches, et cetera. When Rene fell upon his knees before him, the good +lord was much astonished. + +"What is it?" said he. + +"My lord," replied Rene, "order these people to retire." + +Which the servants having done, the page confessed his fault, +recounting how he had assailed his lady in her sleep, and that for +certain he had made her a mother in imitation of the man and the +saint, and came by order of the confessor to put himself at the +disposition of the offended person. Having said which, Rene de +Jallanges cast down his lovely eyes, which had produced all the +mischief, and remained abashed, prostrate without fear, his arms +hanging down, his head bare, awaiting his punishment, and humbling +himself to God. The seneschal was not so white that he could not +become whiter, and now he blanched like linen newly dried, remaining +dumb with passion. And this old man who had not in his veins the vital +force to procreate a child, found in this moment of fury more vigour +than was necessary to undo a man. He seized with his hairy right hand +his heavy club, lifted it, brandished it and adjusted it so easily you +could have thought it a bowl at a game of skittles, to bring it down +upon the pale forehead of the said Rene, who knowing that he was +greatly in fault towards his lord, remained placid, and stretching his +neck, thought that he was about to expiate his sin for his sweetheart +in this world and in the other. + +But his fair youth, and all the natural seductions of this sweet +crime, found grace before the tribunal of the heart of this old man, +although Bruyn was still severe, and throwing his club away on to a +dog who was catching beetles, he cried out, "May a thousand million +claws, tear during all eternity, all the entrails of him, who made +him, who planted the oak, that made the chair, on which thou hast +antlered me--and the same to those who engendered thee, cursed page of +misfortune! Get thee to the devil, whence thou camest--go out from +before me, from the castle, from the country, and stay not here one +moment more than is necessary, otherwise I will surely prepare for +thee a death by slow fire that shall make thee curse twenty times an +hour thy villainous and ribald partner!" + +Hearing the commencement of these little speeches of the seneschal, +whose youth came back in his oaths, the page ran away, escaping the +rest: and he did well. Bruyn, burning with a fierce rage, gained the +gardens speedily, reviling everything by the way, striking and +swearing; he even knocked over three large pans held by one of his +servants, was carrying the mess to the dogs, and he was so beside +himself that he would have killed a labourer for a "thank you." He +soon perceived his unmaidenly maiden, who was looking towards the road +to the monastery, waiting for the page, and unaware that she would +never see him again. + +"Ah, my lady! By the devil's red three-pronged fork, am I a swallower +of tarradiddles and a child, to believe that you are so fashioned that +a page can behave in this manner and you not know it? By the death! By +the head! By the blood!" + +"Hold!" she replied, seeing that the mine was sprung, "I knew it well +enough, but as you had not instructed me in these matters I thought +that I was dreaming!" + +The great ire of the seneschal melted like snow in the sun, for the +direst anger of God himself would have vanished at a smile from +Blanche. + +"May a thousand millions of devils carry off this alien child! I swear +that--" + +"There! there! do not swear," said she. "If it is not yours, it is +mine; and the other night did you not tell me you loved everything +that came from me?" + +Thereupon she ran on with such a lot of arguments, hard words, +complaints, quarrels, tears, and other paternosters of women; such as +--firstly the estates would not have to be returned to the king; that +never had a child been brought more innocently into the world, that +this, that that, a thousand things; until the good cuckold relented, +and Blanche, seizing a propitious interruption said-- + +"And where it is the page?" + +"Gone to the devil!" + +"What, have you killed him?" said she. She turned pale and tottered. + +Bruyn did not know what would become of him when he saw thus fall all +the happiness of his old age, and he would to save her have shown her +this page. He ordered him to be sought, but Rene had run off at full +speed, fearing he should be killed; and departed for the lands beyond +the seas, in order to accomplish his vow of religion. When Blanche had +learned from the above-mentioned abbot the penitence imposed upon her +well beloved, she fell into a state of great melancholy, saying at +times, "Where is he, the poor unfortunate, who is in the middle of +great dangers for love of me?" + +And always kept on asking, like a child who gives its mother no rest +until its request be granted it. At these lamentations the poor +seneschal, feeling himself to blame, endeavoured to do a thousand +things, putting one out of the question, in order to make Blanche +happy; but nothing was equal to the sweet caresses of the page. +However, she had one day the child so much desired. You may be sure +that was a fine festival for the good cuckold, for the resemblance to +the father was distinctly engraved upon the face of this sweet fruit +of love. Blanche consoled herself greatly, and picked up again a +little of her old gaiety and flower of innocence, which rejoiced the +aged hours of the seneschal. From constantly seeing the little one run +about, watching its laughs answer those of the countess, he finished +by loving it, and would have been in a great rage with anyone who had +not believed him its father. + +Now as the adventure of Blanche and her page had not been carried +beyond the castle, it was related throughout Touraine that Messire +Bruyn had still found himself sufficiently in funds to afford a child. +Intact remained the virtue of Blanche, and by the quintessence of +instruction drawn by her from the natural reservoir of women, she +recognised how necessary it was to be silent concerning the venial sin +with which her child was covered. So she became modest and good, and +was cited as a virtuous person. And then to make use of him she +experimented on the goodness of her good man, and without giving him +leave to go further than her chin, since she looked upon herself as +belonging to Rene, Blanche, in return for the flowers of age which +Bruyn offered her, coddled him, smiled upon him, kept him merry, and +fondled him with pretty ways and tricks, which good wives bestow upon +the husbands they deceive; and all so well, that the seneschal did not +wish to die, squatted comfortably in his chair, and the more he lived +the more he became partial to life. But to be brief, one night he died +without knowing where he was going, for he said to Blanche, "Ho! ho! +My dear, I see thee no longer! Is it night?" + +It was the death of the just, and he had well merited it as a reward +for his labours in the Holy Land. + +Blanche held for his death a great and true mourning, weeping for him +as one weeps for one's father. She remained melancholy, without +wishing to lend her ear to the music of a second wedding, for which +she was praised by all good people, who knew not that she had a +husband in her heart, a life in hope; but she was the greater part of +her time a widow in fact and widow in heart, because hearing no news +of her lover at the Crusades, the poor Countess reputed him dead, and +during certain nights seeing him wounded and lying at full length, she +would wake up in tears. She lived thus for fourteen years in the +remembrance of one day of happiness. Finally, one day when she had +with her certain ladies of Touraine, and they were talking together +after dinner, behold her little boy, who was at that time about +thirteen and a half, and resembled Rene more than it is allowable for +a child to resemble his father, and had nothing of the Sire Bruyn +about him but his name--behold the little one, a madcap and pretty +like his mother, who came in from the garden, running, perspiring, +panting, jumping, scattering all things in his way, after the uses and +customs of infancy, and who ran straight to his well-beloved mother, +jumping into her lap, and interrupting the conversation, cried out-- + +"Oh, mother I want to speak to you, I have seen in the courtyard a +pilgrim, who squeezed me very tight." + +"Ah!" cried the chatelaine, hurrying towards one of the servants who +had charge of the young count and watched over his precious days, "I +have forbidden you ever to leave my son in the hands of strangers, not +even in those of the holiest man in the world. You quit my service." + +"Alas! my lady," replied the old equerry, quite overcome, "this one +wished him no harm for he wept while kissing him passionately." + +"He wept?" said she; "ah! it's the father." + +Having said which, she leaned her head of upon the chair in which she +was sitting, and which you may be sure was the chair in which she has +sinned. + +Hearing these strange words the ladies was so surprised that at first +they did not perceive that the seneschal's widow was dead, without its +ever been known if her sudden death was caused by her sorrow at the +departure of her lover, who, faithful to his vow, did not wish to see +her, or from great joy at his return and the hope of getting the +interdict removed which the Abbot of Marmoustiers had placed upon +their loves. And there was a great mourning for her, for the Sire de +Jallanges lost his spirits when he saw his lady laid in the ground, +and became a monk of Marmoustiers, which at that time was called by +some Maimoustier, as much as to say Maius Monasterium, the largest +monastery, and it was indeed the finest in all France. + + + +THE KING'S SWEETHEART + +There lived at this time at the forges of the Pont-aux-Change, a +goldsmith whose daughter was talked about in Paris on account of her +great beauty, and renowned above all things for her exceeding +gracefulness. There were those who sought her favours by the usual +tricks of love and, but others offered large sums of money to the +father to give them his daughter in lawful wedlock, the which pleased +him not a little. + +One of his neighbours, a parliamentary advocate, who by selling his +cunning devices to the public had acquired as many lands as a dog has +fleas, took it into his head to offer the said father a domain in +consideration of his consent to this marriage, which he ardently +desired to undertake. To this arrangement our goldsmith was nothing +loth. He bargained away his daughter, without taking into +consideration the fact that her patched-up old suitor had the features +of an ape and had scarcely a tooth in his jaws. The smell which +emanated from his mouth did not however disturb his own nostrils, +although he was filthy and high flavoured, as are all those who pass +their lives amid the smoke of chimneys, yellow parchment, and other +black proceedings. Immediately this sweet girl saw him she exclaimed, +"Great Heaven! I would rather not have him." + +"That concerns me not," said the father, who had taken a violent fancy +to the proffered domain. "I give him to you for a husband. You must +get on as well as you can together. That is his business now, and his +duty is to make himself agreeable to you." + +"Is it so?" said she. "Well then, before I obey your orders I'll let +him know what he may expect." + +And the same evening, after supper, when the love-sick man of law was +pleading his cause, telling her he was mad for her, and promising her +a life of ease and luxury, she taking him up, quickly remarked-- + +"My father had sold me to you, but if you take me, you will make a bad +bargain, seeing that I would rather offer myself to the passers-by +than to you. I promise you a disloyalty that will only finish with +death--yours or mine." + +Then she began to weep, like all young maidens will before they become +experienced, for afterwards they never cry with their eyes. The good +advocate took this strange behaviour for one of those artifices by +which the women seek to fan the flames of love and turn the devotion +of their admirers into the more tender caress and more daring +osculation that speaks a husband's right. So that the knave took +little notice of it, but laughing at the complaints of the charming +creature, asked her to fix the day. + +"To-morrow," replied she, "for the sooner this odious marriage takes +place, the sooner I shall be free to have gallants and to lead the gay +life of those who love where it pleases them." + +Thereupon the foolish fellow--as firmly fixed as a fly in a glue pot-- +went away, made his preparations, spoke at the Palace, ran to the High +Court, bought dispensations, and conducted his purchase more quickly +than he ever done one before, thinking only of the lovely girl. +Meanwhile the king, who had just returned from a journey, heard +nothing spoken of at court but the marvellous beauty of the jeweller's +daughter who had refused a thousand crowns from this one, snubbed that +one; in fact, would yield to no one, but turned up her nose at the +finest young men of the city, gentlemen who would have forfeited their +seat in paradise only to possess one day, this little dragon of +virtue. + +The good king, was a judge of such game, strolled into the town, past +the forges, and entered the goldsmith's shop, for the purpose of +buying jewels for the lady of his heart, but at the same time to +bargain for the most precious jewel in the shop. The king not taking a +fancy to the jewels, or they not being to his taste, the good man +looked in a secret drawer for a big white diamond. + +"Sweetheart," said he, to the daughter, while her father's nose was +buried in the drawer, "sweetheart, you were not made to sell precious +stones, but to receive them, and if you were to give me all the little +rings in the place to choose from, I know one that many here are mad +for; that pleases me; to which I should ever be subject and servant; +and whose price the whole kingdom of France could never pay." + +"Ah!, sire!" replied the maid, "I shall be married to-morrow, but if +you will lend me the dagger that is in your belt, I will defend my +honour, and you shall take it, that the gospel made be observed +wherein it says,'Render unto Caesar the things which be +Caesar's' . . ." + +Immediately the king gave her the little dagger, and her brave reply +rendered him so amorous that he lost his appetite. He had an apartment +prepared, intending to lodge his new lady-love in the Rue a +l'Hirundelle, in one of his palaces. + +And now behold my advocate, in a great hurry to get married, to the +disgust of his rivals, the leading his bride to the altar to the clang +of bells and the sound of music, so timed as to provoke the qualms of +diarrhoea. In the evening, after the ball, comes he into the nuptial +chamber, where should be reposing his lovely bride. No longer is she a +lovely bride--but a fury--a wild she-devil, who, seated in an +armchair, refuses her share of her lord's couch, and sits defiantly +before the fire warming at the same time her ire and her calves. The +good husband, quite astonished, kneels down gently before her, +inviting her to the first passage of arms in that charming battle +which heralds a first night of love; but she utters not a word, and +when he tries to raise her garment, only just to glance at the charms +that have cost him so dear, she gives him a slap that makes his bones +rattle, and refuses to utter a syllable. + +This amusement, however, by no means displeased our friend the +advocate, who saw at the end of his troubles that which you can as +well imagine as he did; so played he his share of the game manfully, +taking cheerfully the punishment bestowed upon him. By so much +hustling about, scuffling, and struggling he managed at last to tear +away a sleeve, to slit a petticoat, until he was able to place his +hand upon his own property. This bold endeavour brought Madame to her +feet and drawing the king's dagger, "What would you with me?" she +cried. + +"Everything," answered he. + +"Ha! I should be a great fool to give myself against my inclination! +If you fancied you would find my virtue unarmed you made a great +error. Behold the poniard of the king, with which I will kill you if +you make the semblance of a step towards me." + +So saying, she took a cinder, and having still her eyes upon her lord +she drew a circle on the floor, adding, "These are the confines of the +king's domain. Beware how you pass them." + +The advocate, with whose ideas of love-making the dagger sadly +interfered, stood quite discomfited, but at the same time he heard the +cruel speech of his tormentor he caught sight through the slits and +tears in her robe of a sweet sample of a plump white thigh, and such +voluptuous specimens of hidden mysteries, et cetera, that death seemed +sweet to him if he could only taste of them a little. So that he +rushed within the domain of the king, saying, "I mind not death." In +fact he came with such force that his charmer fell backwards onto the +bed, but keeping her presence of mind she defended herself so +gallantly that the advocate enjoyed no further advantage than a knock +at the door that would not admit him, and he gained as well a little +stab from the poniard which did not wound him deeply, so that it did +not cost him very dearly, his attack upon the realm of his sovereign. +But maddened with this slight advantage, he cried, "I cannot live +without the possession of that lovely body, and those marvels of love. +Kill me then!" And again he attacked the royal preserves. The young +beauty, whose head was full of the king, was not even touched by this +great love, said gravely, "If you menace me further, it is not you but +myself I will kill." She glared at him so savagely that the poor man +was quite terrified, and commenced to deplore the evil hour in which +he had taken her to wife, and thus the night which should have been so +joyous, was passed in tears, lamentations, prayers, and ejaculations. +In vain he tempted her with promises; she should eat out of gold, she +should be a great lady, he would buy houses and lands for her. Oh! if +she would only let him break one lance with her in the sweet conflict +of love, he would leave her for ever and pass the remainder of his +life according to her fantasy. But she, still unyielding, said she +would permit him to die, and that was the only thing he could do to +please her. + +"I have not deceived you," said she. "Agreeable to my promise, I shall +give myself to the king, making you a present of the peddler, chance +passers, and street loungers with whom I threatened you." + +When the day broke she put on her wedding garments and waited +patiently till the poor husband had to depart to his office client's +business, and then ran out into the town to seek the king. But she had +not gone a bow-shot from the house before one of the king's servants +who had watched the house from dawn, stopped her with the question-- + +"Do you seek the king?" + +"Yes," said she. + +"Good; then allow me to be your good friend," said the subtle +courtier. "I ask your aid and protection, as now I give you mine." + +With that he told her what sort of a man the king was, which was his +weak side, that he was passionate one day and silent the next, that +she would luxuriously lodged and well kept, but that she must keep the +king well in hand; in short, he chatted so pleasantly that the time +passed quickly until she found herself in the Hotel de l'Hirundelle +where afterwards lived Madame d'Estampes. The poor husband shed +scalding tears, when he found his little bird had flown, and became +melancholy and pensive. His friends and neighbours edified his ears +with as many taunts and jeers as Saint Jacques had the honour of +receiving in Compostella, but the poor fellow took it so to heart, +that at last they tried rather to assuage his grief. These artful +compeers by a species of legal chicanery, decreed that the good man +was not a cuckold, seeing that his wife had refused a consummation, +and if the planter of horns had been anyone but the king, the said +marriage might have been dissolved; but the amorous spouse was +wretched unto death at my lady's trick. However, he left her to the +king, determining one day to have her to himself, and thinking that a +life-long shame would not be too dear a payment for a night with her. +One must love well to love like that, eh? and there are many worldly +ones, who mock at such affection. But he, still thinking of her, +neglected his cases and his clients, his robberies and everything. He +went to the palace like a miser searching for a lost sixpence, bowed +down, melancholy, and absent-minded, so much so, that one day he +relieved himself against the robe of a counsellor, believing all the +while he stood against a wall. Meanwhile the beautiful girl was loved +night and day by the king, who could not tear himself from her +embraces, because in amorous play she was so excellent, knowing as +well how to fan the flame of love as to extinguish it--to-day snubbing +him, to-morrow petting him, never the same, and with it a thousand +little tricks to charm the ardent lover. + +A lord of Bridore killed himself through her, because she would not +receive his embraces, although he offered her his land, Bridore in +Touraine. Of these gallants of Touraine, who gave an estate for one +tilt with love's lance, there are none left. This death made the fair +one sad, and since her confessor laid the blame of it upon her, she +determined for the future to accept all domains and secretly ease +their owner's amorous pains for the better saving of their souls from +perdition. 'Twas thus she commenced to build up that great fortune +which made her a person of consideration in the town. By this means +she prevented many gallant gentlemen from perishing, playing her game +so well, and inventing such fine stories, that his Majesty little +guessed how much she aided him in securing the happiness of his +subjects. The fact is, she has such a hold over him that she could +have made him believe the floor was the ceiling, which was perhaps +easier for him to think than anyone else seeing that at the Rue +d'Hirundelle my lord king passed the greater portion of his time +embracing her always as though he would see if such a lovely article +would wear away: but he wore himself out first, poor man, seeing that +he eventually died from excess of love. Although she took care to +grant her favours only to the best and noblest in the court, and that +such occasions were rare as miracles, there were not wanting those +among her enemies and rivals who declared that for 10,000 crowns a +simple gentleman might taste the pleasures of his sovereign, which was +false above all falseness, for when her lord taxed her with it, did +she not reply, "Abominable wretches! Curse the devils who put this +idea in your head! I never yet did have man who spent less than 30,000 +crowns upon me." + +The king, although vexed could not repress a smile, and kept her on a +month to silence scandal. And last, la demoiselle de Pisseleu, anxious +to obtain her place, brought about her ruin. Many would have liked to +be ruined in the same way, seeing she was taken by a young lord, was +happy with him, the fires of love in her being still unquenched. But +to take up the thread again. One day that the king's sweetheart was +passing through the town in her litter to buy laces, furs, velvets, +broideries, and other ammunition, and so charmingly attired, and +looking so lovely, that anyone, especially the clerks, would have +believed the heavens were open above them, behold, her good man, who +comes upon her near the old cross. She, at that time lazily swinging +her charming little foot over the side of the litter, drew in her head +as though she had seen an adder. She was a good wife, for I know some +who would have proudly passed their husbands, to their shame and to +the great disrespect of conjugal rights. + +"What is the matter?" asked one M. de Lannoy, who humbly accompanied +her. + +"Nothing," she whispered; "but that person is my husband. Poor man, +how changed he looks. Formerly he was the picture of a monkey; today +he is the very image of a Job." + +The poor advocate stood opened-mouthed. His heart beat rapidly at the +sight of that little foot--of that wife so wildly loved. + +Observing which, the Sire de Lannoy said to him, with courtly +innocence-- + +"If you are her husband, is that any reason you should stop her +passage?" + +At this she burst out laughing, and the good husband instead of +killing her bravely, shed scalding tears at that laugh which pierced +his heart, his soul, his everything, so much that he nearly tumbled +over an old citizen whom the sight of the king's sweetheart had driven +against the wall. The aspect of this weak flower, which had been his +in the bud, but far from him had spread its lovely leaves; of the +fairy figure, the voluptuous bust--all this made the poor advocate +more wretched and more mad for her than it is possible to express in +words. You must have been madly in love with a woman who refuses your +advances thoroughly to understand the agony of this unhappy man. Rare +indeed is it to be so infatuated as he was. He swore that life, +fortune, honour--all might go, but that for once at least he would be +flesh-to-flesh with her, and make so grand a repast off her dainty +body as would suffice him all his life. He passed the night saying, +"oh yes; ah! I'll have her!" and "Curses am I not her husband?" and +"Devil take me," striking himself on the forehead and tossing about. +There are chances and occasions which occur so opportunely in this +world that little-minded men refuse them credence, saying they are +supernatural, but men of high intellect know them to be true because +they could not be invented. One of the chances came to the poor +advocate, even the day after that terrible one which had been so sore +a trial to him. One of his clients, a man of good renown, who had his +audiences with the king, came one morning to the advocate, saying that +he required immediately a large sum of money, about 12,000 crowns. To +which the artful fellow replied, 12,000 crowns were not so often met +at the corner of a street as that which often is seen at the corner of +the street; that besides the sureties and guarantees of interest, it +was necessary to find a man who had about him 12,000 crowns, and that +those gentlemen were not numerous in Paris, big city as it was, and +various other things of a like character the man of cunning remarked. + +"Is it true, my lord, the you have a hungry and relentless creditor?" +said he. + +"Yes, yes," replied the other, "it concerns the mistress of the king. +Don't breathe a syllable; but this evening, in consideration of 20,000 +crowns and my domain of Brie, I shall take her measure." + +Upon this the advocate blanched, and the courtier perceived he touched +a tender point. As he had only lately returned from the wars, he did +not know that the lovely woman adored by the king had a husband. + +"You appear ill," he said. + +"I have a fever," replied the knave. "But is it to her that you give +the contract and the money?" + +"Yes." + +"Who then manages the bargain? Is it she also?" + +"No," said the noble; "her little arrangements are concluded through a +servant of hers, the cleverest little ladies'-maid that ever was. +She's sharper than mustard, and these nights stolen from the king have +lined her pockets well." + +"I know a Lombard who would accommodate you. But nothing can be done; +of the 12,000 crowns you shall not have a brass farthing if this same +ladies'-maid does not come here to take the price of the article that +is so great an alchemist that turns blood into gold, by Heaven!" + +"It will be a good trick to make her sign the receipt," replied the +lord, laughing. + +The servant came faithfully to the rendezvous with the advocate, who +had begged the lord to bring her. The ducats looked bright and +beautiful. There they lay all in a row, like nuns going to vespers. +Spread out upon the table they would have made a donkey smile, even if +he were being gutted alive; so lovely, so splendid, were those brave +noble young piles. The good advocate, however, had prepared this view +for no ass, for the little handmaiden look longingly at the golden +heap, and muttered a prayer at the sight of them. Seeing which, the +husband whispered in her ear his golden words, "These are for you." + +"Ah!" said she; "I have never been so well paid." + +"My dear," replied the dear man, "you shall have them without being +troubled with me;" and turning her round, "Your client has not told +you who I am, eh? No? Learn then, I am the husband of the lady whom +the king has debauched, and whom you serve. Carry her these crowns, +and come back here. I will hand over yours to you on a condition which +will be to your taste." + +The servant did as she was bidden, and being very curious to know how +she could get 12,000 crowns without sleeping with the advocate, was +very soon back again. + +"Now, my little one," said he, "here are 12,000 crowns. With this sum +I could buy lands, men, women, and the conscience of three priests at +least; so that I believe if I give it to you I can have you, body, +soul, and toe nails. And I shall have faith in you like an advocate, I +expect that you will go to the lord who expects to pass the night with +my wife, and you will deceive him, by telling him that the king is +coming to supper with her, and that to-night he must seek his little +amusements elsewhere. By so doing I shall be able to take his place +and the king's." + +"But how?" said she. + +"Oh!" replied he; "I have bought you, you and your tricks. You won't +have to look at these crowns twice without finding me a way to have my +wife. In bringing this conjunction about you commit no sin. It is a +work of piety to bring together two people whose hands only been put +one in to the other, and that by the priest." + +"By my faith, come," said she; "after supper the lights will be put +out, and you can enjoy Madame if you remain silent. Luckily, on these +joyful occasions she cries more than she speaks, and asks questions +with her hands alone, for she is very modest, and does not like loose +jokes, like the ladies of the Court." + +"Oh," cried the advocate, "look, take the 12,000 crowns, and I promise +you twice as much more if I get by fraud that which belongs to me by +right." + +Then he arranged the hour, the door, the signal, and all; and the +servant went away, bearing with her on the back of the mules the +golden treasure wrung by fraud and trickery from the widow and the +orphan, and they were all going to that place where everything +goes--save our lives, which come from it. Now behold my advocate, who +shaves himself, scents himself, goes without onions for dinner that +his breath may be sweet, and does everything to make himself as +presentable as a gallant signor. He gives himself the airs of a young +dandy, tries to be lithe and frisky and to disguise his ugly face; he +might try all he knew, he always smelt of the musty lawyer. He was not +so clever as the pretty washerwoman of Portillon who one day wishing +to appear at her best before one of her lovers, got rid of a +disagreeable odour in a manner well known to young women of an +inventive turn of mind. But our crafty fellow fancied himself the +nicest man in the world, although in spite of his drugs and perfumes +he was really the nastiest. He dressed himself in his thinnest clothes +although the cold pinched him like a rope collar and sallied forth, +quickly gaining the Rue d'Hirundelle. There he had to wait some time. +But just as he was beginning to think he had been made a fool of, and +just as it was quite dark, the maid came down and opened alike the +door to him and good husband slipped gleefully into the king's +apartment. The girl locked him carefully in a cupboard that was close +to his wife's bed, and through a crack he feasted his eyes upon her +beauty, for she undressed herself before the fire, and put on a thin +nightgown, through which her charms were plainly visible. Believing +herself alone with her maid she made those little jokes that women +will when undressing. "Am I not worth 20,000 crowns to-night? Is that +overpaid with a castle in Brie?" + +And saying this she gently raised two white supports, firm as rocks, +which had well sustained many assaults, seeing they had been furiously +attacked and had not softened. "My shoulders alone are worth a +kingdom; no king could make their equal. But I am tired of this life. +That which is hard work is no pleasure." The little maid smiled, and +her lovely mistress said to her, "I should like to see you in my +place." Then the maid laughed, saying-- + +"Be quiet, Madame, he is there." + +"Who?" + +"Your husband." + +"Which?" + +"The real one." + +"Chut!" said Madame. + +And her maid told her the whole story, wishing to keep her favour and +the 12,000 crowns as well. + +"Oh well, he shall have his money's worth. I'll give his desires time +to cool. If he tastes me may I lose my beauty and become as ugly as a +monkey's baby. You get into bed in my place and thus gain the 12,000 +crowns. Go and tell him that he must take himself off early in the +morning in order that I may not find out your trick upon me, and just +before dawn I will get in by his side." + +The poor husband was freezing and his teeth were chattering, and the +chambermaid coming to the cupboard on pretence of getting some linen, +said to him, "Your hour of bliss approaches. Madame to-night has made +grand preparations and you will be well served. But work without +whistling, otherwise I shall be lost." + +At last, when the good husband was on the point of perishing with +cold, the lights were put out. The maid cried softly in the curtains +to the king's sweetheart, that his lordship was there, and jumped into +bed, while her mistress went out as if she had been the chambermaid. +The advocate, released from his cold hiding-place, rolled rapturously +into the warm sheets, thinking to himself, "Oh! this is good!" To tell +the truth, the maid gave him his money's worth--and the good man +thought of the difference between the profusion of the royal houses +and the niggardly ways of the citizens' wives. The servant laughing, +played her part marvellously well, regaling the knave with gentle +cries, shiverings, convulsions and tossings about, like a newly-caught +fish on the grass, giving little Ah! Ah's! in default of other words; +and as often as the request was made by her, so often was it complied +with by the advocate, who dropped of to sleep at last, like an empty +pocket. But before finishing, the lover who wished to preserve a +souvenir of this sweet night of love, by a dextrous turn, plucked out +one of his wife's hairs, where from I know not, seeing I was not +there, and kept in his hand this precious gauge of the warm virtue of +that lovely creature. Towards the morning, when the cock crew, the +wife slipped in beside her husband, and pretended to sleep. Then the +maid tapped gently on the happy man's forehead, whispering in his ear, +"It is time, get into your clothes and off you go--it's daylight." The +good man grieved to lose his treasure, and wished to see the source of +his vanished happiness. + +"Oh! Oh!" said he, proceeding to compare certain things, "I've got +light hair, and this is dark." + +"What have you done?" said the servant; "Madame will see she has been +duped." + +"But look." + +"Ah!" said she, with an air of disdain, "do you not know, you who +knows everything, that that which is plucked dies and discolours?" and +thereupon roaring with laughter at the good joke, she pushed him out +of doors. This became known. The poor advocate, named Feron, died of +shame, seeing that he was the only one who had not his own wife while +she, who was from this was called La Belle Feroniere, married, after +leaving the king, a young lord, Count of Buzancois. And in her old +days she would relate the story, laughingly adding, that she had never +scented the knave's flavour. + +This teaches us not to attach ourselves more than we can help to wives +who refuse to support our yoke. + + + +THE DEVIL'S HEIR + +There once was a good old canon of Notre Dame de Paris, who lived in a +fine house of his own, near St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs, in the Parvis. This +canon had come a simple priest to Paris, naked as a dagger without its +sheath. But since he was found to be a handsome man, well furnished +with everything, and so well constituted, that if necessary he was +able to do the work of many, without doing himself much harm, he gave +himself up earnestly to the confessing of ladies, giving to the +melancholy a gentle absolution, to the sick a drachm of his balm, to +all some little dainty. He was so well known for his discretion, his +benevolence, and other ecclesiastical qualities, that he had customers +at Court. Then in order not to awaken the jealousy of the officials, +that of the husbands and others, in short, to endow with sanctity +these good and profitable practices, the Lady Desquerdes gave him a +bone of St. Victor, by virtue of which all the miracles were +performed. And to the curious it was said, "He has a bone which will +cure everything;" and to this, no one found anything to reply, because +it was not seemly to suspect relics. Beneath the shade of his cassock, +the good priest had the best of reputations, that of a man valiant +under arms. So he lived like a king. He made money with holy water; +sprinkled it and transmitted the holy water into good wine. More than +that, his name lay snugly in all the et ceteras of the notaries, in +wills or in caudicils, which certain people have falsely written +CODICIL, seeing that the word is derived from cauda, as if to say the +tail of the legacy. In fact, the good old Long Skirts would have been +made an archbishop if he had only said in joke, "I should like to put +on a mitre for a handkerchief in order to have my head warmer." Of all +the benefices offered to him, he chose only a simple canon's stall to +keep the good profits of the confessional. But one day the courageous +canon found himself weak in the back, seeing that he was all sixty- +eight years old, and had held many confessionals. Then thinking over +all his good works, he thought it about time to cease his apostolic +labours, the more so, as he possessed about one hundred thousand +crowns earned by the sweat of his body. From that day he only +confessed ladies of high lineage, and did it very well. So that it was +said at Court that in spite of the efforts of the best young clerks +there was still no one but the Canon of St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs to +properly bleach the soul of a lady of condition. Then at length the +canon became by force of nature a fine nonagenarian, snowy about the +head, with trembling hands, but square as a tower, having spat so much +without coughing, that he coughed now without being able to spit; no +longer rising from his chair, he who had so often risen for humanity; +but drinking dry, eating heartily, saying nothing, but having all the +appearance of a living Canon of Notre Dame. Seeing the immobility of +the aforesaid canon; seeing the stories of his evil life which for +some time had circulated among the common people, always ignorant; +seeing his dumb seclusion, his flourishing health, his young old age, +and other things too numerous to mention--there were certain people +who to do the marvellous and injure our holy religion, went about +saying that the true canon was long since dead, and that for more than +fifty years the devil had taken possession of the old priest's body. +In fact, it seemed to his former customers that the devil could only +by his great heat have furnished these hermetic distillations, that +they remembered to have obtained on demand from this good confessor, +who always had le diable au corps. But as this devil had been +undoubtedly cooked and ruined by them, and that for a queen of twenty +years he would not have moved, well-disposed people and those not +wanting in sense, or the citizens who argued about everything, people +who found lice in bald heads, demanded why the devil rested under the +form of a canon, went to the Church of Notre Dame at the hours when +the canons usually go, and ventured so far as to sniff the perfume of +the incense, taste the holy water, and a thousand other things. To +these heretical propositions some said that doubtless the devil wished +to convert himself, and others that he remained in the shape of the +canon to mock at the three nephews and heirs of this said brave +confessor and make them wait until the day of their own death for the +ample succession of this uncle, to whom they paid great attention +every day, going to look if the good man had his eyes open, and in +fact found him always with his eye clear, bright, and piercing as the +eye of a basilisk, which pleased them greatly, since they loved their +uncle very much--in words. On this subject an old woman related that +for certain the canon was the devil, because his two nephews, the +procureur and the captain, conducting their uncle at night, without a +lamp, or lantern, returning from a supper at the penitentiary's, had +caused him by accident to tumble over a heap of stones gathered +together to raise the statue of St. Christopher. At first the old man +had struck fire in falling, but was, amid the cries of his dear +nephews and by the light of the torches they came to seek at her house +found standing up as straight as a skittle and as gay as a weaving +whirl, exclaiming that the good wine of the penitentiary had given him +the courage to sustain this shock and that his bones were exceedingly +hard and had sustained rude assaults. The good nephews believing him +dead, were much astonished, and perceived that the day that was to +dispatch their uncle was a long way off, seeing that at the business +stones were of no use. So that they did not falsely call him their +good uncle, seeing that he was of good quality. Certain scandalmongers +said that the canon found so many stones in his path that he stayed at +home not to be ill with the stone, and the fear of worse was the cause +of his seclusion. + +Of all these sayings and rumours, it remains that the old canon, devil +or not, kept his house, and refused to die, and had three heirs with +whom he lived as with his sciaticas, lumbagos, and other appendage of +human life. Of the said three heirs, one was the wickedest soldier +ever born of a woman, and he must have considerably hurt her in +breaking his egg, since he was born with teeth and bristles. So that +he ate, two-fold, for the present and the future, keeping wenches +whose cost he paid; inheriting from his uncle the continuance, +strength, and good use of that which is often of service. In great +battles, he endeavoured always to give blows without receiving them, +which is, and always will be, the only problem to solve in war, but he +never spared himself there, and, in fact, as he had no other virtue +except his bravery, he was captain of a company of lancers, and much +esteemed by the Duke of Burgoyne, who never troubled what his soldiers +did elsewhere. This nephew of the devil was named Captain Cochegrue; +and his creditors, the blockheads, citizens, and others, whose pockets +he slit, called him the Mau-cinge, since he was as mischievous as +strong; but he had moreover his back spoilt by the natural infirmity +of a hump, and it would have been unwise to attempt to mount thereon +to get a good view, for he would incontestably have run you through. + +The second had studied the laws, and through the favour of his uncle +had become a procureur, and practised at the palace, where he did the +business of the ladies, whom formerly the canon had the best +confessed. This one was called Pille-grue, to banter him upon his real +name, which was Cochegrue, like that of his brother the captain. +Pille-grue had a lean body, seemed to throw off very cold water, was +pale of face, and possessed a physiognomy like a polecat. + +This notwithstanding, he was worth many a penny more than the captain, +and had for his uncle a little affection, but since about two years +his heart had cracked a little, and drop by drop his gratitude had run +out, in such a way that from time to time, when the air was damp, he +liked to put his feet into his uncle's hose, and press in advance the +juice of this good inheritance. He and his brother, the soldier found +their share very small, since loyally, in law, in fact, in justice, in +nature, and in reality, it was necessary to give the third part of +everything to a poor cousin, son of another sister of the canon, the +which heir, but little loved by the good man, remained in the country, +where he was a shepherd, near Nanterre. + +The guardian of beasts, an ordinary peasant, came to town by the +advice of his two cousins, who placed him in their uncle's house, in +the hope that, as much by his silly tricks and his clumsiness, his +want of brain, and his ignorance, he would be displeasing to the +canon, who would kick him out of his will. Now this poor Chiquon, as +the shepherd was named, had lived about a month alone with his old +uncle, and finding more profit or more amusement in minding an abbot +than looking after sheep, made himself the canon's dog, his servant, +the staff of his old age, saying, "God keep you," when he passed wind, +"God save you," when he sneezed, and "God guard you," when he belched; +going to see if it rained, where the cat was, remaining silent, +listening, speaking, receiving the coughs of the old man in his face, +admiring him as the finest canon there ever was in the world, all +heartily and in good faith, knowing that he was licking him after the +manner of animals who clean their young ones; and the uncle, who stood +in no need of learning which side the bread was buttered, repulsed +poor Chiquon, making him turn about like a die, always calling him +Chiquon, and always saying to his other nephews that this Chiquon was +helping to kill him, such a numskull was he. Thereupon, hearing this, +Chiquon determined to do well by his uncle, and puzzled his +understanding to appear better; but as he had a behind shaped like a +pair of pumpkins, was broad shouldered, large limbed, and far from +sharp, he more resembled old Silenus than a gentle Zephyr. In fact, +the poor shepherd, a simple man, could not reform himself, so he +remained big and fat, awaiting his inheritance to make himself thin. + +One evening the canon began discoursing concerning the the devil and +the grave agonies, penances, tortures, etc., which God will get warm +for the accursed, and the good Chiquon hearing it, began to open his +eyes as wide as the door of an oven, at the statement, without +believing a word of it. + +"What," said the canon, "are you not a Christian?" + +"In that, yes," answered Chiquon. + +"Well, there is a paradise for the good; is it not necessary to have a +hell for the wicked?" + +"Yes, Mr. Canon; but the devil's of no use. If you had here a wicked +man who turned everything upside down; would you not kick him out of +doors?" + +"Yes, Chiquon." + +"Oh, well, mine uncle; God would be very stupid to leave in the this +world, which he has so curiously constructed, an abominable devil +whose special business it is to spoil everything for him. Pish! I +recognise no devil if there be a good God; you may depend upon that. I +should very much like to see the devil. Ha, ha! I am not afraid of his +claws!" + +"And if I were of your opinion I should have no care of my very +youthful years in which I held confessions at least ten times a day." + +"Confess again, Mr. Canon. I assure you that will be a precious merit +on high." + +"There, there! Do you mean it?" + +"Yes, Mr. Canon." + +"Thou dost not tremble, Chiquon, to deny the devil?" + +"I trouble no more about it than a sheaf of corn." + +"The doctrine will bring misfortune upon you." + +"By no means. God will defend me from the devil because I believe him +more learned and less stupid than the savans make him out." + +Thereupon the two other nephews entered, and perceiving from the voice +of the canon that he did not dislike Chiquon very much, and that the +jeremiads which he had made concerning him were simple tricks to +disguise the affection which he bore him, looked at each other in +great astonishment. + +Then, seeing their uncle laughing, they said to him-- + +"If you will make a will, to whom will you leave the house? + +"To Chiquon." + +"And the quit rent of the Rue St. Denys?" + +"To Chiquon." + +"And the fief of Ville Parisis?" + +"To Chiquon." + +"But," said the captain, with his big voice, "everything then will be +Chiquon's." + +"No," replied the canon, smiling, "because I shall have made my will +in proper form, the inheritance will be to the sharpest of you three; +I am so near to the future, that I can therein see clearly your +destinies." + +And the wily canon cast upon Chiquon a glance full of malice, like a +decoy bird would have thrown upon a little one to draw him into her +net. The fire of his flaming eye enlightened the shepherd, who from +that moment had his understanding and his ears all unfogged, and his +brain open, like that of a maiden the day after her marriage. The +procureur and the captain, taking these sayings for gospel prophecies, +made their bow and went out from the house, quite perplexed at the +absurd designs of the canon. + +"What do you think of Chiquon?" said Pille-grue to Mau-cinge. + +"I think, I think," said the soldier, growling, "that I think of +hiding myself in the Rue d'Hierusalem, to put his head below his feet; +he can pick it up again if he likes." + +"Oh, oh!" said the procureur, "you have a way of wounding that is +easily recognised, and people would say 'It's Cochegrue.' As for me, I +thought to invite him to dinner, after which, we would play at putting +ourselves in a sack in order to see, as they do at Court, who could +walk best thus attired. Then having sewn him up, we could throw him +into the Seine, at the same time begging him to swim." + +"This must be well matured," replied the soldier. + +"Oh! it's quite ripe," said the advocate. "The cousin gone to the +devil, the heritage would then be between us two." + +"I'm quite agreeable," said the fighter, "but we must stick as close +together as the two legs of the same body, for if you are fine as +silk, I as strong as steel, and daggers are always as good as traps-- +you hear that, my good brother." + +"Yes," said the advocate, "the cause is heard--now shall it be the +thread or the iron?" + +"Eh? ventre de Dieu! is it then a king that we are going to settle? +For a simple numskull of a shepherd are so many words necessary? Come! +20,000 francs out of the Heritage to the one of us who shall first cut +him off: I'll say to him in good faith, 'Pick up your head.'" + +"And I, 'Swim my friend,'" cried the advocate, laughing like the gap +of a pourpoint. + +And then they went to supper, the captain to his wench, and the +advocate to the house of a jeweller's wife, of whom he was the lover. + +Who was astonished? Chiquon! The poor shepherd heard the planning of +his death, although the two cousins had walked in the parvis, and +talked to each other as every one speaks at church when praying to +God. So that Chiquon was much coupled to know if the words had come up +or if his ears had gone down. + +"Do you hear, Mister Canon?" + +"Yes," said he, "I hear the wood crackling in the fire." + +"Ho, ho!" replied Chiquon, "if I don't believe in the devil, I believe +in St. Michael, my guardian angel; I go there where he calls me." + +"Go, my child," said the canon, "and take care not to wet yourself, +nor to get your head knocked off, for I think I hear more rain, and +the beggars in the street are not always the most dangerous beggars." + +At these words Chiquon was much astonished, and stared at the canon; +found his manner gay, his eye sharp, and his feet crooked; but as he +had to arrange matters concerning the death which menaced him, he +thought to himself that he would always have leisure to admire the +canon, or to cut his nails, and he trotted off quickly through the +town, as a little woman trots towards her pleasure. + +His two cousins having no presumption of the divinatory science, of +which shepherds have had many passing attacks, had often talked before +him of their secret goings on, counting him as nothing. + +Now one evening, to amuse the canon, Pille-grue had recounted to him +how had fallen in love with him a wife of a jeweller on whose head he +had adjusted certain carved, burnished, sculptured, historical horns, +fit for the brow of a prince. The good lady was to hear him, a right +merry wench, quick at opportunities, giving an embrace while her +husband was mounting the stairs, devouring the commodity as if she was +swallowing a a strawberry, only thinking of love-making, always +trifling and frisky, gay as an honest woman who lacks nothing, +contenting her husband, who cherished her so much as he loved his own +gullet; subtle as a perfume, so much so, that for five years she +managed so well with his household affairs, and her own love affairs, +that she had the reputation of a prudent woman, the confidence of her +husband, the keys of the house, the purse, and all. + +"And when do you play upon this gentle flute?" said the canon. + +"Every evening and sometimes I stay all the night." + +"But how?" said the canon, astonished. + +"This is how. There is a room close to, a chest into which I get. When +the good husband returns from his friend the draper's, where he goes +to supper every evening, because often he helps the draper's wife in +her work, my mistress pleads a slight illness, lets him go to bed +alone, and comes to doctor her malady in the room where the chest is. +On the morrow, when my jeweller is at his forge, I depart, and as the +house has one exit on to the bridge, and another into the street, I +always come to the door when the husband is not, on the pretext of +speaking to him of his suits, which commence joyfully and heartily, +and I never let them come to an end. It is an income from cuckoldom, +seeing that in the minor expenses and loyal costs of the proceedings, +he spends as much as on the horses in his stable. He loves me well, as +all good cuckolds should love the man who aids them, to plant, +cultivate, water and dig the natural garden of Venus, and he does +nothing without me." + +Now these practices came back again to the memory of the shepherd, who +was illuminated by the light issuing from his danger, and counselled +by the intelligence of those measures of self-preservation, of which +every animal possesses a sufficient dose to go to the end of his ball +of life. So Chiquon gained with hasty feet the Rue de la Calandre, +where the jeweller should be supping with his companion, and after +having knocked at the door, replied to question put to him through the +little grill, that he was a messenger on state secrets, and was +admitted to the draper's house. Now coming straight to the fact, he +made the happy jeweller get up from his table, led him to a corner, +and said to him: "If one of your neighbours had planted a horn on your +forehead and he was delivered to you, bound hand and foot, would you +throw him into the river?" + +"Rather," said the jeweller, "but if you are mocking me I'll give you +a good drubbing." + +"There, there!" replied Chiquon, "I am one of your friends and come to +warn you that as many times as you have conversed with the draper's +wife here, as often has your own wife been served the same way by the +advocate Pille-grue, and if you will come back to your forge, you will +find a good fire there. On your arrival, he who looks after your you- +know-what, to keep it in good order, gets into the big clothes chest. +Now make a pretence that I have bought the said chest of you, and I +will be upon the bridge with a cart, waiting your orders." + +The said jeweller took his cloak and his hat, and parted company with +his crony without saying a word, and ran to his hole like a poisoned +rat. He arrives and knocks, the door is opened, he runs hastily up the +stairs, finds two covers laid, sees his wife coming out of the chamber +of love, and then says to her, "My dear, here are two covers laid." + +"Well, my darling are we not two?" + +"No," said he, "we are three." + +"Is your friend coming?" said she, looking towards the stairs with +perfect innocence. + +"No, I speak of the friend who is in the chest." + +"What chest?" said she. "Are you in your sound senses? Where do you +see a chest? Is the usual to put friends in chests? Am I a woman to +keep chests full of friends? How long have friends been kept in +chests? Are you come home mad to mix up your friends with your chests? +I know no other friend then Master Cornille the draper, and no other +chest than the one with our clothes in." + +"Oh!," said the jeweller, "my good woman, there is a bad young man, +who has come to warn me that you allow yourself to be embraced by our +advocate, and that he is in the chest." + +"I!" said she, "I would not put up with his knavery, he does +everything the wrong way." + +"There, there, my dear," replied the jeweller, "I know you to be a +good woman, and won't have a squabble with you about this paltry +chest. The giver of the warning is a box-maker, to whom I am about to +sell this cursed chest that I wish never again to see in my house, and +for this one he will sell me two pretty little ones, in which there +will not be space enough even for a child; thus the scandal and the +babble of those envious of your virtue will be extinguished for want +of nourishment." + +"You give me great pleasure," said she; "I don't attach any value to +my chest, and by chance there is nothing in it. Our linen is at the +wash. It will be easy to have the mischievous chest taken away +tomorrow morning. Will you sup?" + +"Not at all," said he, "I shall sup with a better appetite without the +chest." + +"I see," said she, "that you won't easily get the chest out of your +head." + +"Halloa, there!" said the jeweller to his smiths and apprentices; +"come down!" + +In the twinkling of an eye his people were before him. Then he, their +master, having briefly ordered the handling of the said chest, this +piece of furniture dedicated to love was tumbled across the room, but +in passing the advocate, finding his feet in the air to the which he +was not accustomed, tumbled over a little. + +"Go on," said the wife, "go on, it's the lid shaking." + +"No, my dear, it's the bolt." + +And without any other opposition the chest slid gently down the +stairs. + +"Ho there, carrier!" said the jeweller, and Chiquon came whistling his +mules, and the good apprentices lifted the litigious chest into the +cart. + +"Hi, hi!" said the advocate. + +"Master, the chest is speaking," said an apprentice. + +"In what language?" said the jeweller, giving him a good kick between +two features that luckily were not made of glass. The apprentice +tumbled over on to a stair in a way that induced him to discontinue +his studies in the language of chests. The shepherd, accompanied by +the good jeweller, carried all the baggage to the water-side without +listening to the high eloquence of the speaking wood, and having tied +several stones to it, the jeweller threw it into the Seine. + +"Swim, my friend," cried the shepherd, in a voice sufficiently jeering +at the moment when the chest turned over, giving a pretty little +plunge like a duck. + +Then Chiqoun continued to proceed along the quay, as far as the Rue- +du-port, St Laudry, near the cloisters of Notre Dame. There he noticed +a house, recognised the door, and knocked loudly. + +"Open," said he, "open by order of the king." + +Hearing this an old man who was no other than the famous Lombard, +Versoris, ran to the door. + +"What is it?" said he. + +"I am sent by the provost to warn you to keep good watch tonight," +replied Chiquon, "as for his own part he will keep his archers ready. +The hunchback who has robbed you has come back again. Keep under arms, +for he is quite capable of easing you of the rest." + +Having said this, the good shepherd took to his heels and ran to the +Rue des Marmouzets, to the house where Captain Cochegrue was feasting +with La Pasquerette, the prettiest of town-girls, and the most +charming in perversity that ever was; according to all the gay ladies, +her glance was sharp and piercing as the stab of a dagger. Her +appearance was so tickling to the sight, that it would have put all +Paradise to rout. Besides which she was as bold as a woman who has no +other virtue than her insolence. Poor Chiquon was greatly embarrassed +while going to the quarter of the Marmouzets. He was greatly afraid +that he would be unable to find the house of La Pasquerette, or find +the two pigeons gone to roost, but a good angel arranged there +speedily to his satisfaction. This is how. On entering the Rue des +Marmouzets he saw several lights at the windows and night-capped heads +thrust out, and good wenches, gay girls, housewives, husbands, and +young ladies, all of them are just out of bed, looking at each other +as if a robber were being led to execution by torchlight. + +"What's the matter?" said the shepherd to a citizen who in great haste +had rushed to the door with a chamber utensil in his hand. + +"Oh! it's nothing," replied the good man. "We thought it was the +Armagnacs descending upon the town, but it's only Mau-cinge beating La +Pasquerette." + +"Where?" asked the shepherd. + +"Below there, at that fine house where the pillars have the mouths of +flying frogs delicately carved upon them. Do you hear the varlets and +the serving maids?" + +And in fact there was nothing but cries of "Murder! Help! Come some +one!" and in the house blows raining down and the Mau-cinge said with +his gruff voice: + +"Death to the wench! Ah, you sing out now, do you? Ah, you want your +money now, do you? Take that--" + +And La Pasquerette was groaning, "Oh! oh! I die! Help! Help! Oh! oh!" +Then came the blow of a sword and the heavy fall of a light body of +the fair girl sounded, and was followed by a great silence, after +which the lights were put out, servants, waiting women, roysterers, +and others went in again, and the shepherd who had come opportunely +mounted the stairs in company with them, but on beholding in the room +above broken glasses, slit carpets, and the cloth on the floor with +the dishes, everyone remained at a distance. + +The shepherd, bold as a man with but one end in view, opened the door +of the handsome chamber where slept La Pasquerette, and found her +quite exhausted, her hair dishevelled, and her neck twisted, lying +upon a bloody carpet, and Mau-cinge frightened, with his tone +considerably lower, and not knowing upon what note to sing the +remainder of his anthem. + +"Come, my little Pasquerette, don't pretend to be dead. Come, let me +put you tidy. Ah! little minx, dead or alive, you look so pretty in +your blood I'm going to kiss you." Having said which the cunning +soldier took her and threw her upon the bed, but she fell there all of +a heap, and stiff as the body of a man that had been hanged. Seeing +which her companion found it was time for his hump to retire from the +game; however, the artful fellow before slinking away said, "Poor +Pasquerette, how could I murder so good of girl, and one I loved so +much? But, yes, I have killed her, the thing is clear, for in her life +never did her sweet breast hang down like that. Good God, one would +say it was a crown at the bottom of a wallet. Thereupon Pasquerette +opened her eyes and then bent her head slightly to look at her flesh, +which was white and firm, and she brought herself to life by a box on +the ears, administered to the captain. + +"That will teach you to beware of the dead," said she, smiling. + +"And why did he kill you, my cousin?" asked the shepherd. + +"Why? Tomorrow the bailiffs seize everything that's here, and he who +has no more money than virtue, reproached me because I wished to be +agreeable to a handsome gentlemen, who would save me from the hands of +justice. + +"Pasquerette, I'll break every bone in your skin." + +"There, there!" said Chiquon, whom the Mau-cinge had just recognised, +"is that all? Oh, well, my good friend, I bring you a large sum." + +"Where from?" asked the captain, astonished. + +"Come here, and let me whisper in your ear--if 30,000 crowns were +walking about at night under the shadow of a pear-tree, would you not +stoop down to pluck them, to prevent them spoiling?" + +"Chiquon, I'll kill you like a dog if you are making game of me, or I +will kiss you there where you like it, if you will put me opposite +30,000 crowns, even when it shall be necessary to kill three citizens +at the corner of the Quay." + +"You will not even kill one. This is how the matter stands. I have for +a sweetheart in all loyalty, the servant of the Lombard who is in the +city near the house of our good uncle. Now I have just learned on +sound information that this dear man has departed this morning into +the country after having hidden under a pear-tree in his garden a good +bushel of gold, believing himself to be seen only by the angels. But +the girl who had by chance a bad toothache, and was taking the air at +her garret window, spied the old crookshanks, without wishing to do +so, and chattered of it to me in fondness. If you will swear to give +me a good share I will lend you my shoulders in order that you may +climb on to the top of the wall and from there throw yourself into the +pear-tree, which is against the wall. There, now do you say that I am +a blockhead, an animal?" + +"No, you are a right loyal cousin, an honest man, and if you have ever +to put an enemy out off the way, I am there, ready to kill even one of +my own friends for you. I am no longer your cousin, but your brother. +Ho there! sweetheart," cried Mau-cinge to La Pasquerette, "put the +tables straight, wipe up your blood, it belongs to me, and I'll pay +you for it by giving you a hundred times as much of mine as I have +taken of thine. Make the best of it, shake the black dog, off your +back, adjust your petticoats, laugh, I wish it, look to the stew, and +let us recommence our evening prayer where we left it off. Tomorrow +I'll make thee braver than a queen. This is my cousin whom I wish to +entertain, even when to do so it were necessary to turn the house out +of windows. We shall get back everything tomorrow in the cellars. +Come, fall to!" + +Thus, and in less time than it takes a priest to say his Dominus +vobiscum, the whole rookery passed from tears to laughter as it had +previously from laughter to tears. It is only in these houses of ill- +fame that love is made with the blow of a dagger, and where tempests +of joy rage between four walls. But these are things ladies of the +high-neck dress do not understand. + +The said captain Cochegrue was gay as a hundred schoolboys at the +breaking up of class, and made his good cousin drink deeply, who +spilled everything country fashion, and pretended to be drunk, +spluttering out a hundred stupidities, as, that "tomorrow he would buy +Paris, would lend a hundred thousand crowns to the king, that he would +be able to roll in gold;" in fact, talked so much nonsense that the +captain, fearing some compromising avowal and thinking his brain quite +muddled enough, led him outside with the good intention, instead of +sharing with him, of ripping Chiquon open to see if he had not a +sponge in his stomach, because he had just soaked in a big quart of +the good wine of Suresne. They went along, disputing about a thousand +theological subjects which got very much mixed up, and finished by +rolling quietly up against the garden where were the crowns of the +Lombard. Then Cochegrue, making a ladder of Chiquon's broad shoulders, +jumped on to the pear-tree like a man expert in attacks upon towns, +but Versoris, who was watching him, made a blow at his neck, and +repeated it so vigorously that with three blows fell the upper portion +of the said Cochegrue, but not until he had heard the clear voice of +the shepherd, who cried to him, "Pick up your head, my friend." +Thereupon the generous Chiquon, in whom virtue received its +recompense, thought it would be wise to return to the house of the +good canon, whose heritage was by the grace of God considerably +simplified. Thus he gained the Rue St. Pierre-Aux-Boeufs with all +speed, and soon slept like a new-born baby, no longer knowing the +meaning of the word "cousin-german." Now, on the morrow he rose +according to the habit of shepherds, with the sun, and came into his +uncle's room to inquire if he spat white, if he coughed, if he had +slept well; but the old servant told him that the canon, hearing the +bells of St Maurice, the first patron of Notre Dame, ring for matins, +he had gone out of reverence to the cathedral, where all the Chapter +were to breakfast with the Bishop of Paris; upon which Chiquon +replied: "Is his reverence the canon out of his senses thus to disport +himself, to catch a cold, to get rheumatism? Does he wish to die? I'll +light a big fire to warm him when he returns;" and the good shepherd +ran into the room where the canon generally sat, and to his great +astonishment beheld him seated in his chair. + +"Ah, ah! What did she mean, that fool of a Bruyette? I knew you were +too well advised to be shivering at this hour in your stall." + +The canon said not a word. The shepherd who was like all thinkers, a +man of hidden sense, was quite aware that sometimes old men have +strange crotchets, converse with the essence of occult things, and +mumble to themselves discourses concerning matters not under +consideration; so that, from reverence and great respect for the +secret meditations of the canon, he went and sat down at a distance, +and waited the termination of these dreams; noticing, silently the +length of the good man's nails, which looked like cobbler's awls, and +looking attentively at the feet of his uncle, he was astonished to see +the flesh of his legs so crimson, that it reddened his breeches and +seemed all on fire through his hose. + +He is dead, thought Chiquon. At this moment the door of the room +opened, and he still saw the canon, who, his nose frozen, came back +from church. + +"Ho, ho!" said Chiquon, "my dear Uncle, are you out of your senses? +Kindly take notice that you ought not to be at the door, because you +are already seated in your chair in the chimney corner, and that it is +impossible for there to be two canons like you in the world." + +"Ah! Chiquon, there was a time when I could have wished to be in two +places at once, but such is not the fate of a man, he would be too +happy. Are you getting dim-sighted? I am alone here." + +Then Chiquon turned his head towards the chair, and found it empty; +and much astonished, as you will easily believe, he approached it, and +found on the seat a little pat of cinders, from which ascended a +strong odour of sulphur. + +"Ah!" said he merrily, "I perceive that the devil has behaved well +towards me--I will pray God for him." + +And thereupon he related naively to the canon how the devil had amused +himself by playing at providence, and had loyally aided him to get rid +of his wicked cousins, the which the canon admired much, and thought +very good, seeing that he had plenty of good sense left, and often had +observed things which were to the devil's advantage. So the good old +priest remarked that 'as much good was always met with in evil as evil +in good, and that therefore one should not trouble too much after the +other world, the which was a grave heresy, which many councils have +put right'. + +And this was how the Chiquons became rich, and were able in these +times, by the fortunes of their ancestors, to help to build the bridge +of St. Michael, where the devil cuts a very good figure under the +angel, in memory of this adventure now consigned to these veracious +histories. + + + +THE MERRY JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH + +King Louis The Eleventh was a merry fellow, loving a good joke, and-- +the interests of his position as king, and those of the church on one +side--he lived jovially, giving chase to soiled doves as often as to +hares, and other royal game. Therefore, the sorry scribblers who have +made him out a hypocrite, showed plainly that they knew him not, since +he was a good friend, good at repartee, and a jollier fellow than any +of them. + +It was he who said when he was in a merry mood, that four things are +excellent and opportune in life--to keep warm, to drink cool, to stand +up hard, and to swallow soft. Certain persons have accused him of +taking up with a dirty trollops; this is a notorious falsehood, since +all his mistresses, of whom one was legitimised, came of good houses +and had notable establishments. He did not go in for waste and +extravagance, always put his hand upon the solid, and because certain +devourers of the people found no crumbs at his table, they have all +maligned him. But the real collector of facts know that the said king +was a capital fellow in private life, and even very agreeable; and +before cutting off the heads of his friends, or punishing them--for he +did not spare them--it was necessary that they should have greatly +offended him, and his vengeance was always justice; I have only seen +in our friend Verville that this worthy sovereign ever made a mistake; +but one does not make a habit, and even for this his boon companion +Tristan was more to blame than he, the king. This is the circumstance +related by the said Verville, and I suspect he was cracking a joke. I +reproduce it because certain people are not familiar with the +exquisite work of my perfect compatriot. I abridge it and only give +the substance, the details being more ample, of which facts the savans +are not ignorant. + +Louis XI. had given the Abbey of Turpenay (mentioned in 'Imperia') to +a gentleman who, enjoying the revenue, had called himself Monsieur de +Turpenay. It happened that the king being at Plessis-les-Tours, the +real abbot, who was a monk, came and presented himself before the +king, and presented also a petition, remonstrating with him that, +canonically and a monastically, he was entitled to the abbey and that +the usurping gentleman wronged of his right, and therefore he called +upon his majesty to have justice done to him. Nodding his peruke, the +king promised to render him contented. This monk, importunate as are +all hooded animals, came often at the end of the king's meals, who, +bored with the holy water of the convent, called friend Tristan and +said to him: "Old fellow, there is here a Turpenay who angers me, rid +the world of him for me." Tristan, taking a frock for a monk, or a +monk for a frock, came to this gentleman, whom all the court called +Monsieur de Turpenay, and having accosted him managed to lead him to +one side, and taking him by the button-hole gave him to understand +that the king desired he should die. He tried to resist, supplicating +and supplicating to escape, but in no way could he obtain a hearing. +He was delicately strangled between the head and shoulders, so that he +expired; and, three hours afterwards, Tristan told the king that he +was discharged. It happened five days afterwards, which is the space +in which souls come back again, that the monk came into the room where +the king was, and when he saw him he was much astonished. Tristan was +present: the king called him, and whispered into his ear-- + +"You have not done that which I told you to." + +"Saving your Grace I have done it. Turpenay is dead." + +"Eh? I meant this monk." + +"I understood the gentleman!" + +"What, is it done then?" + +"Yes, sire," + +"Very well then"--turning towards the monk--"come here, monk." The +monk approached. The king said to him, "Kneel down!" The poor monk +began to shiver in his shoes. But the king said to him, "Thank God +that he has not willed that you should be killed as I had ordered. He +who took your estates has been instead. God has done you justice. Go +and pray God for me, and don't stir out of your convent." + +The proves the good-heartedness of Louis XI. He might very well have +hanged the monk, the cause of the error. As for the said gentleman, he +died in the king's service. + +In the early days of his sojourn at Plessis-les-Tours king Louis, not +wishing to hold his drinking-bouts and give vent to his rakish +propensities in his chateau, out of respect to her Majesty (a kingly +delicacy which his successors have not possessed) became enamoured of +a lady named Nicole Beaupertuys, who was, to tell the truth, wife of a +citizen of the town. The husband he sent into Ponent, and put the said +Nicole in a house near Chardonneret, in that part which is the Rue +Quincangrogne, because it was a lonely place, far from other +habitations. The husband and the wife were thus both in his service, +and he had by La Beaupertuys a daughter, who died a nun. This Nicole +had a tongue as sharp as a popinjay's, was of stately proportions, +furnished with large beautiful cushions of nature, firm to the touch, +white as the wings of an angel, and known for the rest to be fertile +in peripatetic ways, which brought it to pass that never with her was +the same thing encountered twice in love, so deeply had she studied +the sweet solutions of the science, the manners of accommodating the +olives of Poissy, the expansions of the nerves, and hidden doctrines +of the breviary, the which much delighted the king. She was as gay as +a lark, always laughing and singing, and never made anyone miserable, +which is the characteristic of women of this open and free nature, who +have always an occupation--an equivocal one if you like. The king +often went with the hail-fellows his friends to the lady's house, and +in order not to be seen always went at night-time, and without his +suite. But being always distrustful, and fearing some snare, he gave +to Nicole all the most savage dogs he had in his kennels, beggars that +would eat a man without saying "By your leave," the which royal dogs +knew only Nicole and the king. When the Sire came Nicole let them +loose in the garden, and the door of the house being sufficiently +barred and closely shut, the king put the keys in his pocket, and in +perfect security gave himself up, with his satellites, to every kind +of pleasure, fearing no betrayal, jumping about at will, playing +tricks, and getting up good games. Upon these occasions friend Tristan +watched the neighbourhood, and anyone who had taken a walk on the Mall +of Chardonneret would be rather quickly placed in a position in which +it would have been easy to give the passers-by a benediction with his +feet, unless he had the king's pass, since often would Louis send out +in search of lasses for his friends, or people to entertain him with +the amusements suggested by Nicole or the guests. People of Tours were +there for these little amusements, to whom he gently recommended +silence, so that no one knew of these pastimes until after his death. +The farce of "Baisez mon cul" was, it is said, invented by the said +Sire. I will relate it, although it is not the subject of this tale, +because it shows the natural comicality and humour of this merry +monarch. They were at Tours three well known misers: the first was +Master Cornelius, who is sufficiently well known; the second was +called Peccard, and sold the gilt-work, coloured papers, and jewels +used in churches; the third was hight Marchandeau, and was a very +wealthy vine-grower. These two men of Touraine were the founders of +good families, notwithstanding their sordidness. One evening that the +king was with Beaupertuys, in a good humour, having drunk heartily, +joked heartily, and offered early in the evening his prayer in +Madame's oratory, he said to Le Daim his crony, to the Cardinal, La +Balue, and to old Dunois, who were still soaking, "Let us have a good +laugh! I think it will be a good joke to see misers before a bag of +gold without being able to touch it. Hi, there!" + +Hearing which, appeared one of his varlets. + +"Go," said he, "seek my treasurer, and let him bring hither six +thousand gold crowns--and at once! And you will go and seize the +bodies of my friend Cornelius, of the jeweller of the Rue de Cygnes, +and of old Marchandeau, and bring them here, by order of the king." + +Then he began to drink again, and to judiciously wrangle as to which +was the better, a woman with a gamy odour or a woman who soaped +herself well all over; a thin one or a stout one; and as the company +comprised the flower of wisdom it was decided that the best was the +one a man had all to himself like a plate of warm mussels, at that +precise moment when God sent him a good idea to communicate to her. +The cardinal asked which was the most precious thing to a lady; the +first or the last kiss? To which La Beaupertuys replied: "that it was +the last, seeing that she knew then what she was losing, while at the +first she did not know what she would gain." During these sayings, and +others which have most unfortunately been lost, came the six thousand +gold crowns, which were worth all three hundred thousand francs of +to-day, so much do we go on decreasing in value every day. The king +ordered the crowns to be arranged upon a table, and well lighted up, +so that they shone like the eyes of the company which lit up +involuntarily, and made them laugh in spite of themselves. They did +not wait long for the three misers, whom the varlet led in, pale and +panting, except Cornelius, who knew the king's strange freaks. + +"Now then, my friends," said Louis to them, "have a good look at the +crowns on the table." + +And the three townsmen nibbled at them with their eyes. You may reckon +that the diamond of La Beaupertuys sparkled less than their little +minnow eyes. + +"These are yours," added the king. + +Thereupon they ceased to admire the crowns to look at each other; and +the guests knew well that old knaves are more expert in grimaces than +any others, because of their physiognomies becoming tolerably curious, +like those of cats lapping up milk, or girls titillated with marriage. + +"There," said the king, "all that shall be his who shall say three +times to the two others, 'Baisez mon cul', thrusting his hand into the +gold; but if he be not as serious as a fly who had violated his lady- +love, if he smile while repeating the jest, he will pay ten crowns to +Madame. Nevertheless he can essay three times." + +"That will soon be earned," said Cornelius, who, being a Dutchman, had +his lips as often compressed and serious as Madame's mouth was often +open and laughing. Then he bravely put his hands on the crowns to see +if they were good, and clutched them bravely, but as he looked at the +others to say civilly to them, "Baisez mon cul," the two misers, +distrustful of his Dutch gravity, replied, "Certainly, sir," as if he +had sneezed. The which caused all the company to laugh, and even +Cornelius himself. When the vine-grower went to take the crowns he +felt such a commotion in his cheeks that his old scummer face let +little laughs exude from its pores like smoke pouring out of a +chimney, and he could say nothing. Then it was the turn of the +jeweller, who was a little bit of a bantering fellow, and whose lips +were as tightly squeezed as the neck of a hanged man. He seized a +handful of the crowns, looked at the others, even the king, and said, +with a jeering air, "Baisez mon cul." + +"Is it dirty?" asked the vine-dresser. + +"Look and see," replied the jeweller, gravely. + +Thereupon the king began to tremble for these crowns, since the said +Peccard began again, without laughing, and for the third time was +about to utter the sacramental word, when La Beaupertuys made a sign +of consent to his modest request, which caused him to lose his +countenance, and his mouth broke up into dimples. + +"How did you do it?" asked Dunois, "to keep a grave face before six +thousand crowns?" + +"Oh, my lord, I thought first of one of my cases which is tried +tomorrow, and secondly, of my wife who is a sorry plague." + +The desire to gain this good round sum made them try again, and the +king amused himself for about an hour at the expression of these +faces, the preparations, jokes, grimaces, and other monkey's +paternosters that they performed; but they were bailing their boats +with a sieve, and for men who preferred closing their fists to opening +them it was a bitter sorrow to have to count out, each one, a hundred +crown to Madame. + +When they were gone, and Nicole said boldly to the king, "Sire will +you let me try?" + +"Holy Virgin!" replied Louis; "no! I can kiss you for less money." + +That was said like a thrifty man, which indeed he always was. + +One evening the fat Cardinal La Balue carried on gallantly with words +and actions, a little farther than the canons of the Church permitted +him, with this Beaupertuys, who luckily for herself, was a clever +hussy, not to be asked with impunity how many holes there were in her +mother's chemise. + +"Look you here, Sir Cardinal!" said she; "the thing which the king +likes is not to receive the holy oils." + +Then came Oliver le Daim, whom she would not listen to either, and to +whose nonsense she replied, that she would ask the king if he wished +her to be shaved. + +Now as the said shaver did not supplicate her to keep his proposals +secret, she suspected that these little plots were ruses practised by +the king, whose suspicions had perhaps been aroused by her friends. +Now, for being able to revenge herself upon Louis, she at least +determined to pay out the said lords, to make fools of them, and amuse +the king with the tricks she would play upon them. One evening that +they had come to supper, she had a lady of the city with her, who +wished to speak with the king. This lady was a lady of position, who +wished asked the king pardon for her husband, the which, in +consequence of this adventure, she obtained. Nicole Beaupertuys having +led the king aside for a moment into an antechamber, told him to make +their guests drink hard and eat to repletion; that he was to make +merry and joke with them; but when the cloth was removed, he was to +pick quarrels with them about trifles, dispute their words, and be +sharp with them; and that she would then divert him by turning them +inside out before him. But above all things, he was to be friendly to +the said lady, and it was to appear as genuine, as if she enjoyed the +perfume of his favour, because she had gallantly lent herself to this +good joke. + +"Well, gentlemen," said the king, re-entering the room, "let us fall +to; we have had a good day's sport." + +And the surgeon, the cardinal, a fat bishop, the captain of the Scotch +Guard, a parliamentary envoy, and a judge loved of the king, followed +the two ladies into the room where one rubs the rust off one's jaw +bones. And there they lined the mold of their doublets. What is that? +It is to pave the stomach, to practice the chemistry of nature, to +register the various dishes, to regale your tripes, to dig your grave +with your teeth, play with the sword of Cain, to inter sauces, to +support a cuckold. But more philosophically it is to make ordure with +one's teeth. Now, do you understand? How many words does it require to +burst open the lid of your understanding? + +The king did not fail to distill into his guests this splendid and +first-class supper. He stuffed them with green peas, returning to the +hotch-potch, praising the plums, commending the fish, saying to one, +"Why do you not eat?" to another, "Drink to Madame"; to all of them, +"Gentlemen, taste these lobsters; put this bottle to death! You do not +know the flavour of this forcemeat. And these lampreys--ah! what do +you say to them? And by the Lord! The finest barbel ever drawn from +the Loire! Just stick your teeth into this pastry. This game is my own +hunting; he who takes it not offends me." And again, "Drink, the +king's eyes are the other way. Just give your opinion of these +preserves, they are Madame's own. Have some of these grapes, they are +my own growing. Have some medlars." And while inducing them to swell +out their abdominal protuberances, the good monarch laughed with them, +and they joked and disputed, and spat, and blew their noses, and +kicked up just as though the king had not been with them. Then so much +victuals had been taken on board, so many flagons drained and stews +spoiled, that the faces of the guests were the colour of cardinals +gowns, and their doublets appeared ready to burst, since they were +crammed with meat like Troyes sausages from the top to the bottom of +their paunches. Going into the saloon again, they broke into a profuse +sweat, began to blow, and to curse their gluttony. The king sat +quietly apart; each of them was the more willing to be silent because +all their forces were required for the intestinal digestion of the +huge platefuls confined in their stomachs, which began to wabble and +rumble violently. One said to himself, "I was stupid to eat of that +sauce." Another scolded himself for having indulged in a plate of eels +cooked with capers. Another thought to himself, "Oh! oh! The forcemeat +is serving me out." The cardinal, who was the biggest bellied man of +the lot, snorted through his nostrils like a frightened horse. It was +he who was first compelled to give vent to a loud sounding belch, and +then he soon wished himself in Germany, where this is a form of +salutation, for the king hearing this gastric language looked at the +cardinal with knitted brows. + +"What does this mean?" said he, "am I a simple clerk?" + +This was heard with terror, because usually the king made much of a +good belch well off the stomach. The other guests determined to get +rid in another way of the vapours which were dodging about in their +pancreatic retorts; and at first they endeavoured to hold them for a +little while in the pleats of their mesenteries. It was then that some +of them puffed and swelled like tax-gatherers. Beaupertuys took the +good king aside and said to him-- + +"Know now that I have had made by the Church jeweller Peccard, two +large dolls, exactly resembling this lady and myself. Now when hard- +pressed by the drugs which I have put in their goblets, they desire to +mount the throne to which we are now about to pretend to go, they will +always find the place taken; by this means you will enjoy their +writhings." + +Thus having said, La Beaupertuys disappeared with the lady to go and +turn the wheel, after the custom of women, and of which I will tell +you the origin in another place. And after an honest lapse of water, +Beaupertuys came back alone, leaving it to be believed that she had +left the lady at the little laboratory of natural alchemy. Thereupon +the king, singling out the cardinal, made him get up, and talked with +him seriously of his affairs, holding him by the tassel of his amice. +To all that the king said, La Balue replied, "Yes, sir," to be +delivered from this favour, and slip out of the room, since the water +was in his cellars, and he was about to lose the key of his back-door. +All the guests were in a state of not knowing how to arrest the +progress of the fecal matter to which nature has given, even more than +to water, the property of finding a certain level. Their substances +modified themselves and glided working downward, like those insects +who demand to be let out of their cocoons, raging, tormenting, and +ungrateful to the higher powers; for nothing is so ignorant, so +insolent as those cursed objects, and they are importunate like all +things detained to whom one owes liberty. So they slipped at every +turn like eels out of a net, and each one had need of great efforts +and science not to disgrace himself before the king. Louis took great +pleasure in interrogating his guests, and was much amused with the +vicissitudes of their physiognomies, on which were reflected the dirty +grimaces of their writhings. The counsellor of justice said to Oliver, +"I would give my office to be behind a hedge for half a dozen +seconds." + +"Oh, there is no enjoyment to equal a good stool; and now I am no +longer astonished at sempiternal droppings of a fly," replied the +surgeon. + +The cardinal believing that the lady had obtained her receipt from the +bank of deposit, left the tassels of his girdle in the king's hand, +making a start as if he had forgotten to say his prayers, and made his +way towards the door. + +"What is the matter with you, Monsieur le Cardinal?" said the king. + +"By my halidame, what is the matter with me? It appears that all your +affairs are very extensive, sire!" + +The cardinal had slipped out, leaving the others astonished at his +cunning. He proceeded gloriously towards the lower room, loosening a +little the strings of his purse; but when he opened the blessed little +door he found the lady at her functions upon the throne, like a pope +about to be consecrated. Then restraining his impatience, he descended +the stairs to go into the garden. However, on the last steps the +barking of the dogs put him in great fear of being bitten in one of +his precious hemispheres; and not knowing where to deliver himself of +his chemical produce he came back into the room, shivering like a man +who has been in the open air! The others seeing the cardinal return, +imagined that he had emptied his natural reservoirs, unburdened his +ecclesiastical bowels, and believed him happy. Then the surgeon rose +quickly, as if to take note of the tapestries and count the rafters, +but gained the door before anyone else, and relaxing his sphincter in +advance, he hummed a tune on his way to the retreat; arrived there he +was compelled, like La Balue, to murmur words of excuse to this +student of perpetual motion, shutting the door with as promptitude as +he opened it; and he came back burdened with an accumulation which +seriously impeded his private channels. And in the same way went to +guests one after the other, without being able to unburden themselves +of their sauces, as soon again found themselves all in the presence of +Louis the Eleventh, as much distressed as before, looking at each +other slyly, understanding each other better with their tails than +they ever understood with their mouths, for there is never any +equivoque in the transactions of the parts of nature, and everything +therein is rational and of easy comprehension, seeing that it is a +science which we learn at our birth. + +"I believe," said the cardinal to the surgeon, "that lady will go on +until to-morrow. What was La Beaupertuys about to ask such a case of +diarrhoea here?" + +"She's been an hour working at what I could get done in a minute. May +the fever seize her" cried Oliver le Daim. + +All the courtiers seized with colic were walking up and down to make +their importunate matters patient, when the said lady reappeared in +the room. You can believe they found her beautiful and graceful, and +would willingly have kissed her, there where they so longed to go; and +never did they salute the day with more favour than this lady, the +liberator of the poor unfortunate bodies. La Balue rose; the others, +from honour, esteem, and reverence of the church, gave way to the +clergy, and, biding their time, they continued to make grimaces, at +which the king laughed to himself with Nicole, who aided him to stop +the respiration of these loose-bowelled gentlemen. The good Scotch +captain, who more than all the others had eaten of a dish in which the +cook had put an aperient powder, became the victim of misplaced +confidence. He went ashamed into a corner, hoping that before the +king, his mishap might escape detection. At this moment the cardinal +returned horribly upset, because he had found La Beaupertuys on the +episcopal seat. Now, in his torments, not knowing if she were in the +room, he came back and gave vent to a diabolical "Oh!" on beholding +her near his master. + +"What do you mean?" exclaimed the king, looking at the priest in a way +to give him the fever. + +"Sire," said La Balue, insolently, "the affairs of purgatory are in my +ministry, and I am bound to inform you that there is sorcery going on +in this house." + +"Ah! little priest, you wish to make game of me!" said the king. + +At these words the company were in a terrible state. + +"So you treat me with disrespect?" said the king, which made them turn +pale. "Ho, there! Tristan, my friend!" cried Louis XI. from the +window, which he threw up suddenly, "come up here!" + +The grand provost of the hotel was not long before he appeared; and as +these gentlemen were all nobodies, raised to their present position by +the favour of the king, Louis, in a moment of anger, could crush them +at will; so that with the exception of the cardinal who relied upon +his cassock, Tristan found them all rigid and aghast. + +"Conduct these gentleman to the Pretorium, on the Mall, my friend, +they have disgraced themselves through over-eating." + +"Am I not good at jokes?" said Nicole to him. + +"The farce is good, but it is fetid," replied he, laughing. + +This royal answer showed the courtiers that this time the king did not +intend to play with their heads, for which they thanked heaven. The +monarch was partial to these dirty tricks. He was not at all a bad +fellow, as the guests remarked while relieving themselves against the +side of the Mall with Tristan, who, like a good Frenchman, kept them +company, and escorted them to their homes. This is why since that time +the citizens of Tours had never failed to defile the Mall of +Chardonneret, because the gentlemen of the court had been there. + +I will not leave this great king without committing to writing this +good joke which he played upon La Godegrand, who was an old maid, much +disgusted that she had not, during the forty years she had lived, been +able to find a lid to her saucepan, enraged, in her yellow skin, that +she still was as virgin as a mule. This old maid had her apartments on +the other side of the house which belonged to La Beaupertuys, at the +corner of the Rue de Hierusalem, in such a position that, standing on +the balcony joining the wall, it was easy to see what she was doing, +and hear what she was saying in the lower room where she lived; and +often the king derived much amusement from the antics of the old girl, +who did not know that she was so much within the range of his +majesty's culverin. Now one market day it happened that the king had +caused to be hanged a young citizen of Tours, who had violated a noble +lady of a certain age, believing that she was a young maiden. There +would have been no harm in this, and it would have been a thing +greatly to the credit of the said lady to have been taken for a +virgin; but on finding out his mistake, he had abominably insulted +her, and suspecting her of trickery, had taken it into his head to rob +her of a splendid silver goblet, in payment of the present he had just +made her. This young man had long hair, and was so handsome that the +whole town wished to see him hanged, both from regret and out of +curiosity. You may be sure that at this hanging there were more caps +than hats. Indeed, the said young man swung very well; and after the +fashion and custom of persons hanged, he died gallantly with his lance +couched, which fact made a great noise in the town. Many ladies said +on this subject that it was a murder not to have preserved so fine a +fellow from the scaffold. + +"Suppose we were to put this handsome corpse in the bed of La +Godegrand," said La Beaupertuys to the king. + +"We should terrify her," replied Louis. + +"Not at all, sire. Be sure that she will welcome even a dead man, so +madly does she long for a living one. Yesterday I saw her making love +to a young man's cap placed on the top of a chair, and you would have +laughed heartily at her words and gestures." + +Now while this forty-year-old virgin was at vespers, the king sent to +have this young townsman, who had just finished the last scene of his +tragic farce, taken down, and having dressed him in a white shirt, two +officers got over the walls of La Godegrand's garden, and put the +corpse into her bed, on the side nearest the street. Having done this +they went away, and the king remained in the room with the balcony to +it, playing with Beaupertuys, and awaiting an hour at which the old +maid should go to bed. La Godegrand soon came back with a hop, skip, +and jump, as the Tourainians say, from the church of St Martin, from +which she was not far, since the Rue de Hierusalem touches the walls +of the cloister. She entered her house, laid down her prayer-book, +chaplet, and rosary, and other ammunition which these old girls carry, +then poked the fire, and blew it, warmed herself at it, settled +herself in her chair, and played with her cat for want of something +better; then she went to the larder, supping and sighing, and sighing +and supping, eating alone, with her eyes cast down upon the carpet; +and after having drunk, behaved in a manner forbidden in court +society. + +"Ah!" the corpse said to her, 'God bless you!'" + +At this joke of luck of La Beaupertuys, both laughed heartily in their +sleeves. And with great attention this very Christian king watched the +undressing of the old maid, who admired herself while removing her +things--pulling out a hair, or scratching a pimple which had +maliciously come upon her nose; picking her teeth, and doing a +thousand little things which, alas! all ladies, virgins or not, are +obliged to do, much to their annoyance; but without these little +faults of nature, they would be too proud, and one would not be able +to enjoy their society. Having achieved her aquatic and musical +discourse, the old maid got in between the sheets, and yelled forth a +fine, great, ample, and curious cry, when she saw, when she smelt the +fresh vigour of this hanged man and the sweet perfume of his manly +youth; then sprang away from him out of coquetry. But as she did not +know he was really dead, she came back again, believing he was mocking +her, and counterfeiting death. + +"Go away, you bad young man!" said she. + +But you can imagine that she proffered this requests in a most humble +and gracious tone of voice. Then seeing that he did not move, she +examined him more closely, and was much astonished at this so fine +human nature when she recognised the young fellow, upon whom the fancy +took her to perform some purely scientific experiments in the +interests of hanged persons. + +"What is she doing?" said La Beaupertuys to the king. + +"She is trying to reanimate him. It is a work of Christian humanity." + +And the old girl rubbed and warmed this fine young man, supplicating +holy Mary the Egyptian to aid her to renew the life of this husband +who had fallen so amorously from heaven, when, suddenly looking at the +dead body she was so charitably rubbing, she thought she saw a slight +movement in the eyes; then she put her hand upon the man's heart, and +felt it beat feebly. At length, from the warmth of the bed and of +affection, and by the temperature of old maids, which is by far more +burning then the warm blasts of African deserts, she had the delight +of bringing to life that fine handsome young fellow who by lucky +chance had been very badly hanged. + +"See how my executioners serve me!" said Louis, laughing. + +"Ah!" said La Beaupertuys, "you will not have him hanged again? he is +too handsome." + +"The decree does not say that he shall be hanged twice, but he shall +marry the old woman." + +Indeed, the good lady went in a great hurry to seek a master leech, a +good bleeder, who lived in the Abbey, and brought him back directly. +He immediately took his lancet, and bled the young man. And as no +blood came out: "Ah!" said he, "it is too late, the transshipment of +blood in the lungs has taken place." + +But suddenly this good young blood oozed out a little, and then came +out in abundance, and the hempen apoplexy, which had only just begun, +was arrested in its course. The young man moved and came more to life; +then he fell, from natural causes, into a state of great weakness and +profound sadness, prostration of flesh and general flabbiness. Now the +old maid, who was all eyes, and followed the great and notable changes +which were taking place in the person of this badly hanged man, pulled +the surgeon by the sleeve, and pointing out to him, by a curious +glance of the eye, the piteous cause, said to him-- + +"Will he for the future be always like that?" + +"Often," replied the veracious surgeon. + +"Oh! he was much nicer hanged!" + +At this speech the king burst out laughing. Seeing him at the window, +the woman and the surgeon were much frightened, for this laugh seemed +to them a second sentence of death for their poor victim. But the king +kept his word, and married them. And in order to do justice he gave +the husband the name of the Sieur de Mortsauf in the place of the one +he had lost upon the scaffold. As La Godegrand had a very big basket +of crowns, they founded a good family in Touraine, which still exists +and is much respected, since M. de Mortsauf faithfully served Louis +the Eleventh on different occasions. Only he never liked to come +across gibbets or old women, and never again made amorous assignations +in the night. + +This teaches us to thoroughly verify and recognise women, and not to +deceive ourselves in the local difference which exists between the old +and the young, for if we are not hanged for our errors of love, there +are always great risks to run. + + + +THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE + +The high constable of Armagnac espoused from the desire of a great +fortune, the Countess Bonne, who was already considerably enamoured of +little Savoisy, son of the chamberlain to his majesty King Charles the +Sixth. + +The constable was a rough warrior, miserable in appearance, tough in +skin, thickly bearded, always uttering angry words, always busy +hanging people, always in the sweat of battles, or thinking of other +stratagems than those of love. Thus the good soldier, caring little to +flavour the marriage stew, used his charming wife after the fashion of +a man with more lofty ideas; of the which the ladies have a great +horror, since they like not the joists of the bed to be the sole +judges of their fondling and vigorous conduct. + +Now the lovely Countess, as soon as she was grafted on the constable, +only nibbled more eagerly at the love with which her heart was laden +for the aforesaid Savoisy, which that gentleman clearly perceived. + +Wishing both to study the same music, they would soon harmonise their +fancies, and decipher the hieroglyphic; and this was a thing clearly +demonstrated to the Queen Isabella, that Savoisy's horses were oftener +stabled at the house of her cousin of Armagnac than in the Hotel St. +Pol, where the chamberlain lived, since the destruction of his +residence, ordered by the university, as everyone knows. + +This discreet and wise princess, fearing in advance some unfortunate +adventure for Bonne--the more so as the constable was as ready to +brandish his broadsword as a priest to bestow benedictions--the said +queen, as sharp as a dirk, said one day, while coming out from +vespers, to her cousin, who was taking the holy water with Savoisy-- + +"My dear, don't you see some blood in that water?" + +"Bah!" said Savoisy to the queen. "Love likes blood, Madame." + +This the Queen considered a good reply, and put it into writing, and +later on, into action, when her lord the king wounded one of her +lovers, whose business you see settled in this narrative. + +You know by constant experience, that in the early time of love each +of two lovers is always in great fear of exposing the mystery of the +heart, and as much from the flower of prudence as from the amusement +yielded by the sweet tricks of gallantry they play at who can best +conceal their thoughts, but one day of forgetfulness suffices to inter +the whole virtuous past. The poor woman is taken in her joy as in a +lasso; her sweetheart proclaims his presence, or sometimes his +departure, by some article of clothing--a scarf, a spur, left by some +fatal chance, and there comes a stroke of the dagger that severs the +web so gallantly woven by their golden delights. But when one is full +of days, he should not make a wry face at death, and the sword of a +husband is a pleasant death for a gallant, if there be pleasant +deaths. So may be will finish the merry amours of the constable's +wife. + +One morning Monsieur d'Armagnac having lots of leisure time in +consequence of the flight of the Duke of Burgundy, who was quitting +Lagny, thought he would go and wish his lady good day, and attempted +to wake her up in a pleasant enough fashion, so that she should not be +angry; but she sunk in the heavy slumbers of the morning, replied to +the action-- + +"Leave me alone, Charles!" + +"Oh, oh," said the constable, hearing the name of a saint who was not +one of his patrons, "I have a Charles on my head!" + +Then, without touching his wife, he jumped out of the bed, and ran +upstairs with his face flaming and his sword drawn, to the place where +slept the countess's maid-servant, convinced that the said servant had +a finger in the pie. + +"Ah, ah, wench of hell!" cried he, to commence the discharge of his +passion, "say thy prayers, for I intend to kill thee instantly, +because of the secret practices of Charles who comes here." + +"Ah, Monseigneur," replied the woman, "who told you that?" + +"Stand steady, that I may rip thee at one blow if you do not confess +to me every assignation given, and in what manner they have been +arranged. If thy tongue gets entangled, if thou falterest, I will +pierce thee with my dagger!" + +"Pierce me through!" replied the girl; "you will learn nothing." + +The constable, having taken this excellent reply amiss, ran her +through on the spot, so mad was he with rage; and came back into his +wife's chamber and said to his groom, whom, awakened by the shrieks of +the girl, he met upon the stairs, "Go upstairs; I've corrected +Billette rather severely." + +Before he reappeared in the presence of Bonne he went to fetch his +son, who was sleeping like a child, and led him roughly into her room. +The mother opened her eyes pretty widely, you may imagine--at the +cries of her little one; and was greatly terrified at seeing him in +the hands of her husband, who had his right hand all bloody, and cast +a fierce glance on the mother and son. + +"What is the matter?" said she. + +"Madame," asked the man of quick execution, "this child, is he the +fruit of my loins, or those of Savoisy, your lover?" + +At this question Bonne turned pale, and sprang upon her son like a +frightened frog leaping into the water. + +"Ah, he is really ours," said she. + +"If you do not wish to see his head roll at your feet confess yourself +to me, and no prevarication. You have given me a lieutenant." + +"Indeed!" + +"Who is he?" + +"It is not Savoisy, and I will never say the name of a man that I +don't know." + +Thereupon the constable rose, took his wife by the arm to cut her +speech with a blow of the sword, but she, casting upon him an imperial +glance, cried-- + +"Kill me if you will, but touch me not." + +"You shall live," replied the husband, "because I reserve you for a +chastisement more ample then death." + +And doubting the inventions, snares, arguments, and artifices familiar +to women in these desperate situations, of which they study night and +day the variations, by themselves, or between themselves, he departed +with this rude and bitter speech. He went instantly to interrogate his +servants, presenting to them a face divinely terrible; so all of them +replied to him as they would to God the Father on the Judgment Day, +when each of us will be called to his account. + +None of them knew the serious mischief which was at the bottom of +these summary interrogations and crafty interlocutions; but from all +that they said, the constable came to the conclusion that no male in +his house was in the business, except one of his dogs, whom he found +dumb, and to whom he had given the post of watching the gardens; so +taking him in his hands, he strangled him with rage. This fact incited +him by induction to suppose that the other constable came into his +house by the garden, of which the only entrance was a postern opening +on to the water side. + +It is necessary to explain to those who are ignorant of it, the +locality of the Hotel d'Armagnac, which had a notable situation near +to the royal houses of St. Pol. On this site has since been built the +hotel of Longueville. Then as at the present time, the residence of +d'Armagnac had a porch of fine stone in Rue St. Antoine, was fortified +at all points, and the high walls by the river side, in face of the +Ile du Vaches, in the part where now stands the port of La Greve, were +furnished with little towers. The design of these has for a long time +been shown at the house of Cardinal Duprat, the king's Chancellor. The +constable ransacked his brains, and at the bottom, from his finest +stratagems, drew the best, and fitted it so well to the present case, +that the gallant would be certain to be taken like a hare in the trap. +"'Sdeath," said he, "my planter of horns is taken, and I have the time +now to think how I shall finish him off." + +Now this is the order of battle which this grand hairy captain who +waged such glorious war against Duke Jean-sans-Peur commanded for the +assault of his secret enemy. He took a goodly number of his most loyal +and adroit archers, and placed them on the quay tower, ordering them +under the heaviest penalties to draw without distinction of persons, +except his wife, on those of his household who should attempt to leave +the gardens, and to admit therein, either by night or by day, the +favoured gentleman. The same was done on the porch side, in the Rue St +Antoine. + +The retainers, even the chaplain, were ordered not to leave the house +under pain of death. Then the guard of the two sides of the hotel +having been committed to the soldiers of a company of ordnance, who +were ordered to keep a sharp lookout in the side streets, it was +certain that the unknown lover to whom the constable was indebted for +his pair of horns, would be taken warm, when, knowing nothing, he +should come at the accustomed hour of love to insolently plant his +standard in the heart of the legitimate appurtenances of the said lord +count. + +It was a trap into which the most expert man would fall unless he was +seriously protected by the fates, as was the good St. Peter by the +Saviour when he prevented him going to the bottom of the sea the day +when they had a fancy to try if the sea were as solid as terra firma. + +The constable had business with the inhabitants of Poissy, and was +obliged to be in the saddle after dinner, so that, knowing his +intention, the poor Countess Bonne determined at night to invite her +young gallant to that charming duel in which she was always the +stronger. + +While the constable was making round his hotel a girdle of spies and +of death, and hiding his people near the postern to seize the gallant +as he came out, not knowing where he would spring from, his wife was +not amusing herself by threading peas nor seeking black cows in the +embers. First, the maid-servant who had been stuck, unstuck herself +and dragged herself to her mistress; she told her that her outraged +lord knew nothing, and that before giving up the ghost she would +comfort her dear mistress by assuring her that she could have perfect +confidence in her sister, who was laundress in the hotel, and was +willing to let herself be chopped up as small as sausage-meat to +please Madame. That she was the most adroit and roguish woman in the +neighbourhood, and renowned from the council chamber to the Trahoir +cross among the common people, and fertile in invention for the +desperate cases of love. + +Then, while weeping for the decease of her good chamber woman, the +countess sent for the laundress, made her leave her tubs and join her +in rummaging the bag of good tricks, wishing to save Savoisy, even at +the price of her future salvation. + +First of all the two women determined to let him know their lord and +master's suspicion, and beg him to be careful. + +Now behold the good washerwoman who, carrying her tub like a mule, +attempts to leave the hotel. But at the porch she found a man-at-arms +who turned a deaf ear to all the blandishments of the wash-tub. Then +she resolved, from her great devotion, to take the soldier on his weak +side, and she tickled him so with her fondling that he romped very +well with her, although he was armour-plated ready for battle; but +when the game was over he still refused to let her go into the street +and although she tried to get herself a passport sealed by some of the +handsomest, believing them more gallant: neither the archers, men-at- +arms, nor others, dared open for her the smallest entrance of the +house. "You are wicked and ungrateful wretches," said she, "not to +render me a like service." + +Luckily at this employment she learned everything, and came back in +great haste to her mistress, to whom she recounted the strange +machinations of the count. The two women held a fresh council and had +not considered, the time it takes to sing Alleluia, twice, these +warlike appearances, watches, defences, and equivocal, specious, and +diabolical orders and dispositions before they recognised by the sixth +sense with which all females are furnished, the special danger which +threatened the poor lover. + +Madame having learned that she alone had leave to quit the house, +ventured quickly to profit by her right, but she did not go the length +of a bow-shot, since the constable had ordered four of his pages to be +always on duty ready to accompany the countess, and two of the ensigns +of his company not to leave her. Then the poor lady returned to her +chamber, weeping as much as all the Magdalens one sees in the church +pictures, could weep together. + +"Alas!" said she, "my lover must then be killed, and I shall never see +him again! . . . he whose words were so sweet, whose manners were so +graceful, that lovely head that had so often rested on my knees, will +now be bruised . . . What! Can I not throw to my husband an empty and +valueless head in place of the one full of charms and worth . . . a +rank head for a sweet-smelling one; a hated head for a head of love." + +"Ah, Madame!" cried the washerwoman, "suppose we dress up in the +garments of a nobleman, the steward's son who is mad for me, and +wearies me much, and having thus accoutered him, we push him out +through the postern. + +Thereupon the two women looked at each other with assassinating eyes. + +"This marplot," said she, "once slain, all those soldiers will fly +away like geese." + +"Yes, but will not the count recognise the wretch?" + +And the countess, striking her breast, exclaimed, shaking her head, +"No, no, my dear, here it is noble blood that must be spilt without +stint." + +Then she thought a little, and jumping with joy, suddenly kissed the +laundress, saying, "Because I have saved my lover's life by your +counsel, I will pay you for his life until death." + +Thereupon the countess dried her tears, put on the face of a bride, +took her little bag and a prayer-book, and went towards the Church of +St. Pol whose bells she heard ringing, seeing that the last Mass was +about to be said. In this sweet devotion the countess never failed, +being a showy woman, like all the ladies of the court. Now this was +called the full-dress Mass, because none but fops, fashionables, young +gentlemen and ladies puffed out and highly scented, were to be met +there. In fact no dresses was seen there without armorial bearings, +and no spurs that were not gilt. + +So the Countess of Bonne departed, leaving at the hotel the laundress +much astonished, and charged to keep her eyes about her, and came with +great pomp to the church, accompanied by her pages, the two ensigns +and men-at-arms. It is here necessary to say that among the band of +gallant knights who frisked round the ladies in church, the countess +had more than one whose joy she was, and who had given his heart to +her, after the fashion of youths who put down enough and to spare upon +their tablets, only in order to make a conquest of at least one out of +a great number. + +Among these birds of fine prey who with open beaks looked oftener +between the benches and the paternosters than towards the altar and +the priests, there was one upon whom the countess sometimes bestowed +the charity of a glance, because he was less trifling and more deeply +smitten than all the others. + +This one remained bashful, always stuck against the same pillar, never +moving from it, but readily ravished with the sight alone of this lady +whom he had chosen as his. His pale face was softly melancholy. His +physiognomy gave proof of fine heart, one of those which nourish +ardent passions and plunge delightedly into the despairs of love +without hope. Of these people there are few, because ordinarily one +likes more a certain thing than the unknown felicities lying and +flourishing at the bottommost depths of the soul. + +This said gentleman, although his garments were well made, and clean +and neat, having even a certain amount of taste shown in the +arrangement, seemed to the constable's wife to be a poor knight +seeking fortune, and come from afar, with his nobility for his +portion. Now partly from a suspicion of his secret poverty, partly +because she was well beloved by him and a little because he had a good +countenance, fine black hair, and a good figure, and remained humble +and submissive in all, the constable's wife desired for him the favour +of women and of fortune, not to let his gallantry stand idle, and from +a good housewifely idea, she fired his imagination according to her +fantasies, by certain small favours and little looks which serpented +towards him like biting adders, trifling with the happiness of this +young life, like a princess accustomed to play with objects more +precious than a simple knight. In fact, her husband risked the whole +kingdom as you would a penny at piquet. Finally it was only three days +since, at the conclusion of vespers, that the constable's wife pointed +out to the queen this follower of love, said laughingly-- + +"There's a man of quality." + +This sentence remained in the fashionable language. Later it became a +custom so to designate the people of the court. It was to the wife of +the constable d'Armagnac, and to no other source, that the French +language is indebted for this charming expression. + +By a lucky chance the countess had surmised correctly concerning this +gentleman. He was a bannerless knight, named Julien de Boys-Bourredon, +who not having inherited on his estate enough to make a toothpick, and +knowing no other wealth than the rich nature with which his dead +mother had opportunely furnished him, conceived the idea of deriving +therefrom both rent and profit at court, knowing how fond ladies are +of those good revenues, and value them high and dear, when they can +stand being looked at between two suns. There are many like him who +have thus taken the narrow road of women to make their way; but he, +far from arranging his love in measured qualities, spend funds and +all, as soon as he came to the full-dress Mass, he saw the triumphant +beauty of the Countess Bonne. Then he fell really in love, which was a +grand thing for his crowns, because he lost both thirst and appetite. +This love is of the worst kind, because it incites you to the love of +diet, during the diet of love; a double malady, of which one is +sufficient to extinguish a man. + +Such was the young gentlemen of whom the good lady had thought, and +towards whom she came quickly to invite him to his death. + +On entering she saw the poor chevalier, who faithful to his pleasure, +awaited her, his back against a pillar, as a sick man longs for the +sun, the spring-time, and the dawn. Then she turned away her eyes, and +wished to go to the queen and request her assistance in this desperate +case, for she took pity on her lover, but one of the captains said to +her, with great appearance of respect, "Madame, we have orders not to +allow you to speak with man or woman, even though it should be the +queen or your confessor. And remember that the lives of all of us are +at stake." + +"Is it not your business to die?" said she. + +"And also to obey," replied the soldier. + +Then the countess knelt down in her accustomed place, and again +regarding her faithful slave, found his face thinner and more deeply +lined than ever it had been. + +"Bah!" said she, "I shall have less remorse for his death; he is half +dead as it is." + +With this paraphrase of her idea, she cast upon the said gentleman one +of those warm ogles that are only allowable to princesses and harlots, +and the false love which her lovely eyes bore witness to, gave a +pleasant pang to the gallant of the pillar. Who does not love the warm +attack of life when it flows thus round the heart and engulfs +everything? + +Madame recognised with a pleasure, always fresh in the minds of women, +the omnipotence of her magnificent regard by the answer which, without +saying a word, the chevalier made to it. And in fact, the blushes +which empurpled his cheeks spoke better than the best speeches of the +Greek and Latin orators, and were well understood. At this sweet +sight, the countess, to make sure that it was not a freak of nature, +took pleasure in experimentalising how far the virtue of her eyes +would go, and after having heated her slave more than thirty times, +she was confirmed in her belief that he would bravely die for her. +This idea so touched her, that from three repetitions between her +orisons she was tickled with the desire to put into a lump all the +joys of man, and to dissolve them for him in one single glance of +love, in order that she should not one day be reproached with having +not only dissipated the life, but also the happiness of this +gentleman. When the officiating priest turned round to sing the Off +you go to this fine gilded flock, the constable's wife went out by the +side of the pillar where her courtier was, passed in front of him and +endeavoured to insinuate into his understanding by a speaking glance +that he was to follow her, and to make positive the intelligence and +significant interpretation of this gentle appeal, the artful jade +turned round again a little after passing him to again request his +company. She saw that he had moved a little from his place, and dared +not advance, so modest was he, but upon this last sign, the gentleman, +sure of not being over-credulous, mixed with the crowd with little and +noiseless steps, like an innocent who is afraid of venturing into one +of those good places people call bad ones. And whether he walked +behind or in front, to the right or to the left, my lady bestowed upon +him a glistening glance to allure him the more and the better to draw +him to her, like a fisher who gently jerks the lines in order to hook +the gudgeon. To be brief: the countess practiced so well the +profession of the daughters of pleasure when they work to bring grist +into their mills, that one would have said nothing resembled a harlot +so much as a woman of high birth. And indeed, on arriving at the porch +of her hotel the countess hesitated to enter therein, and again turned +her face towards the poor chevalier to invite him to accompany her, +discharging at him so diabolical a glance, that he ran to the queen of +his heart, believing himself to be called by her. Thereupon, she +offered him her hand, and both boiling and trembling from the contrary +causes found themselves inside the house. At this wretched hour, +Madame d'Armagnac was ashamed of having done all these harlotries to +the profit of death, and of betraying Savoisy the better to save him; +but this slight remorse was lame as the greater, and came tardily. +Seeing everything ready, the countess leaned heavily upon her vassal's +arm, and said to him-- + +"Come quickly to my room; it is necessary that I should speak with +you." + +And he, not knowing that his life was in peril, found no voice +wherewith to reply, so much did the hope of approaching happiness +choke him. + +When the laundress saw this handsome gentleman so quickly hooked, +"Ah!" said she, "these ladies of the court are best at such work." +Then she honoured this courtier with a profound salutation, in which +was depicted the ironical respect due to those who have the great +courage to die for so little. + +"Picard," said the constable's lady, drawing the laundress to her by +the skirt, "I have not the courage to confess to him the reward with +which I am about to pay his silent love and his charming belief in the +loyalty of women." + +"Bah! Madame: why tell him? Send him away well contented by the +postern. So many men die in war for nothing, cannot this one die for +something? I'll produce another like him if that will console you." + +"Come along," cried the countess, "I will confess all to him. That +will be the punishment for my sins." + +Thinking that this lady was arranging with her servant certain +trifling provisions and secret things in order not to be disturbed in +the interview she had promised him, the unknown lover kept at a +discreet distance, looking at the flies. Nevertheless, he thought that +the countess was very bold, but also, as even a hunchback would have +done, he found a thousand reasons to justify her, and thought himself +quite worthy to inspire such recklessness. He was lost in those good +thoughts when the constable's wife opened the door of her chamber, and +invited the chevalier to follow her in. There his noble lady cast +aside all the apparel of her lofty fortune, and falling at the feet of +this gentleman, became a simple woman. + +"Alas, sweet sir!" said she, "I have acted vilely towards you. Listen. +On your departure from this house, you will meet your death. The love +which I feel for another has bewildered me, and without being able to +hold his place here, you will have to take it before his murderers. +This is the joy to which I have bidden you." + +"Ah!" Replied Boys-Bourredon, interring in the depths of his heart a +dark despair, "I am grateful to you for having made use of me as of +something which belonged to you. . . . Yes, I love you so much that +every day you I have dreamed of offering you in imitation of the +ladies, a thing that can be given but once. Take, then, my life!" + +And the poor chevalier, in saying this, gave her one glance to suffice +for all the time he would have been able to look at her through the +long days. Hearing these brave and loving words, Bonne rose suddenly. + +"Ah! were it not for Savoisy, how I would love thee!" said she. + +"Alas! my fate is then accomplished," replied Boys-Bourredon. "My +horoscope predicted that I should die by the love of a great lady. Ah, +God!" said he, clutching his good sword, "I will sell my life dearly, +but I shall die content in thinking that my decease ensures the +happiness of her I love. I should live better in her memory than in +reality." At the sight of the gesture and the beaming face of this +courageous man, the constable's wife was pierced to the heart. But +soon she was wounded to the quick because he seemed to wish to leave +her without even asking of her the smallest favour. + +"Come, that I may arm you," said she to him, making an attempt to kiss +him. + +"Ha! my lady-love," replied he, moistening with a gentle tear the fire +of his eyes, "would you render my death impossible by attaching too +great a value to my life?" + +"Come," cried she, overcome by this intense love, "I do not know what +the end of all this will be, but come--afterwards we will go and +perish together at the postern." + +The same flame leaped in their hearts, the same harmony had struck for +both, they embraced each other with a rapture in the delicious excess +of that mad fever which you know well I hope; they fell into a +profound forgetfulness of the dangers of Savoisy, of themselves, of +the constable, of death, of life, of everything. + +Meanwhile the watchman at the porch had gone to inform the constable +of the arrival of the gallant, and to tell him how the infatuated +gentleman had taken no notice of the winks which, during Mass and on +the road, the countess had given him in order to prevent his +destruction. They met their master arriving in great haste at the +postern, because on their side the archers of the quay had whistled to +him afar off, saying to him-- + +"The Sire de Savoisy has passed in." + +And indeed Savoisy had come at the appointed hour, and like all the +lovers, thinking only of his lady, he had not seen the count's spies +and had slipped in at the postern. This collision of lovers was the +cause of the constable's cutting short the words of those who came +from the Rue St. Antoine, saying to them with a gesture of authority, +that they did not think wise to disregard-- + +"I know that the animal is taken." + +Thereupon all rushed with a great noise through this said postern, +crying, "Death to him! death to him!" and men-at-arms, archers, the +constable, and the captains, all rushed full tilt upon Charles +Savoisy, the king's nephew, who they attacked under the countess's +window, where by a strange chance, the groans of the poor young man +were dolorously exhaled, mingled with the yells of the soldiers, at +the same time as passionate sighs and cries were given forth by the +two lovers, who hastened up in great fear. + +"Ah!" said the countess, turning pale from terror, "Savoisy is dying +for me!" + +"But I will live for you," replied Boys-Bourredon, "and shall esteem +it a joy to pay the same price for my happiness as he has done." + +"Hide yourself in the clothes chest," cried the countess; "I hear the +constable's footsteps." + +And indeed M. d'Armagnac appeared very soon with a head in his hand, +and putting it all bloody on the mantleshelf, "Behold, Madame," said +he, "a picture which will enlighten you concerning the duties of a +wife towards her husband." + +"You have killed an innocent man," replied the countess, without +changing colour. Savoisy was not my lover." + +And with the this speech she looked proudly at the constable with a +face marked by so much dissimulation and feminine audacity, that the +husband stood looking as foolish as a girl who has allowed a note to +escape her below, before a numerous company, and he was afraid of +having made a mistake. + +"Of whom were you thinking this morning?" asked he. + +"I was dreaming of the king," said she. + +"Then, my dear, why not have told me so?" + +"Would you have believed me in the bestial passion you were in?" + +The constable scratched his ear and replied-- + +"But how came Savoisy with the key of the postern?" + +"I don't know," she said, curtly, "if you will have the goodness to +believe what I have said to you." + +And his wife turned lightly on her heel like a weather-cock turned by +the wind, pretending to go and look after the household affairs. You +can imagine that D'Armagnac was greatly embarrassed with the head of +poor Savoisy, and that for his part Boys-Bourredon had no desire to +cough while listening to the count, who was growling to himself all +sorts of words. At length the constable struck two heavy blows over +the table and said, "I'll go and attack the inhabitants of Poissy." +Then he departed, and when the night was come Boys-Bourredon escaped +from the house in some disguise or other. + +Poor Savoisy was sorely lamented by his lady, who had done all that a +woman could do to save her lover, and later he was more than wept, he +was regretted; for the countess having related this adventure to Queen +Isabella, her majesty seduced Boys-Bourredon from the service of her +cousin and put him to her own, so much was she touched with the +qualities and firm courage of this gentleman. + +Boys-Bourredon was a man whom danger had well recommended to the +ladies. In fact he comported himself so proudly in everything in the +lofty fortune, which the queen had made for him, that having badly +treated King Charles one day when the poor man was in his proper +senses, the courtiers, jealous of favour, informed the king of his +cuckoldom. Boys-Bourredon was in a moment sewn in a sack and thrown +into the Seine, near the ferry at Charenton, as everyone knows. I have +no need add, that since the day when the constable took it into his +head to play thoughtlessly with knives, his good wife utilised so well +the two deaths he had caused and threw them so often in his face, that +she made him as soft as a cat's paw and put him in the straight road +of marriage; and he proclaimed her a modest and virtuous constable's +lady, as indeed she was. As this book should, according to the maxims +of great ancient authors, join certain useful things to the good +laughs which you will find therein and contain precepts of high taste, +I beg to inform you that the quintessence of the story is this: That +women need never lose their heads in serious cases, because the God of +Love never abandons them, especially when they are beautiful, young, +and of good family; and that gallants when going to keep an amorous +assignation should never go there like giddy young men, but carefully, +and keep a sharp look-out near the burrow, to avoid falling into +certain traps and to preserve themselves; for after a good woman the +most precious thing is, certes, a pretty gentleman. + + + +THE MAID OF THILOUSE + +The lord of Valennes, a pleasant place, of which the castle is not far +from the town of Thilouse, had taken a mean wife, who by reason of +taste or antipathy, pleasure or displeasure, health or sickness, +allowed her good husband to abstain from those pleasures stipulated +for in all contracts of marriage. In order to be just, it should be +stated that the above-mentioned lord was a dirty and ill-favoured +person, always hunting wild animals and not the more entertaining than +is a room full of smoke. And what is more, the said sportsman was all +sixty years of age, on which subject, however, he was a silent as a +hempen widow on the subject of rope. But nature, which the crooked, +the bandy-legged, the blind, and the ugly abuse so unmercifully here +below, and have no more esteem for her than the well-favoured,--since, +like workers of tapestry, they know not what they do,--gives the same +appetite to all and to all the same mouth for pudding. So every beast +finds a mate, and from the same fact comes the proverb, "There is no +pot, however ugly, that does not one day find a cover." Now the lord +of Valennes searched everywhere for nice little pots to cover, and +often in addition to wild, he hunted tame animals; but this kind of +game was scarce in the land, and it was an expensive affair to +discover a maid. At length however by reason of much ferreting about +and much enquiry, it happened that the lord of Valennes was informed +that in Thilouse was the widow of a weaver who had a real treasure in +the person of a little damsel of sixteen years, whom she had never +allowed to leave her apronstrings, and whom, with great maternal +forethought, she always accompanied when the calls of nature demanded +her obedience; she had her to sleep with her in her own bed, watched +over her, got her up in the morning, and put her to such a work that +between the twain they gained about eight pennies a day. On fete days +she took her to the church, scarcely giving her a spare moment to +exchange a merry word with the young people; above all was she strict +in keeping hands off the maiden. + +But the times were just then so hard that the widow and her daughter +had only bread enough to save them from dying of hunger, and as they +lodged with one of their poor relations, they often wanted wood in +winter and clothes in summer, owing enough rent to frighten sergeants +of justice, men who are not easily frightened at the debts of others; +in short, while the daughter was increasing in beauty, the mother was +increasing in poverty, and ran into debt on account of her daughter's +virginity, as an alchemist will for the crucible in which his all is +cast. As soon as his plans were arranged and perfect, one rainy day +the said lord of Valennes by a mere chance came into the hovel of the +two spinners, and in order to dry himself sent for some fagots to +Plessis, close by. While waiting for them, he sat on a stool between +the two poor women. By means of the grey shadows and half light of the +cabin, he saw the sweet countenance of the maid of Thilouse; her arms +were red and firm, her breasts hard as bastions, which kept the cold +from her heart, her waist round as a young oak and all fresh and clean +and pretty, like the first frost, green and tender as an April bud; in +fact, she resembled all that is prettiest in the world. She had eyes +of a modest and virtuous blue, with a look more coy than that of the +Virgin, for she was less forward, never having had a child. + +Had any one said to her, "Come, let us make love," she would have +said, "Love! What is that?" she was so innocent and so little open to +the comprehensions of the thing. + +The good old lord twisted about upon his stool, eyeing the maid and +stretching his neck like a monkey trying to catch nuts, which the +mother noticed, but said not a word, being in fear of the lord to whom +the whole of the country belonged. When the fagot was put into the +grate and flared up, the good hunter said to the old woman, "Ah, ah! +that warms one almost as much as your daughter's eyes." + +"But alas, my lord," said she, "we have nothing to cook on that fire." + +"Oh yes," replied he. + +"What?" + +"Ah, my good woman, lend your daughter to my wife, who has need of a +good handmaiden: we will give you two fagots every day." + +"Oh, my lord, what could I cook at such a good fire?" + +"Why," replied the old rascal, "good broth, for I will give you a +measure of corn in season." + +"Then," replied the old hag, "where shall I put it?" + +"In your dish," answered the purchaser of innocence. + +"But I have neither dish nor flower-bin, nor anything." + +"Well I will give you dishes and flower-bins, saucepans, flagons, a +good bed with curtains, and everything." + +"Yes," replied the good widow, "but the rain would spoil them, I have +no house." + +"You can see from here," replied the lord, "the house of La +Tourbelliere, where lived my poor huntsmen Pillegrain, who was ripped +up by a boar?" + +"Yes," said the old woman. + +"Well, you can make yourself at home there for the rest of your days." + +"By my faith;" cried the mother, letting fall her distaff, "do you +mean what you say?" + +"Yes." + +"Well, then, what will you give my daughter?" + +"All that she is willing to gain in my service." + +"Oh! my lord, you are a joking." + +"No," said he. + +"Yes," said she. + +"By St. Gatien, St. Eleuther, and by the thousand million saints who +are in heaven, I swear that--" + +"Ah! Well; if you are not jesting I should like those fagots to pass +through the hands of the notary." + +"By the blood of Christ and the charms of your daughter am I not a +gentleman? Is not my word good enough?" + +"Ah! well I don't say that it is not; but as true as I am a poor +spinner I love my child too much to leave her; she is too young and +weak at present, she will break down in service. Yesterday, in his +sermon, the vicar said that we should have to answer to God for our +children." + +"There! There!" said the lord, "go and find the notary." + +An old woodcutter ran to the scrivener, who came and drew up a +contract, to which the lord of Valennes then put his cross, not +knowing how to write, and when all was signed and sealed-- + +"Well, old lady," said he, "now you are no longer answerable to God +for the virtue of your child." + +"Ah! my lord, the vicar said until the age of reason, and my child is +quite reasonable." Then turning towards her, she added, "Marie Fiquet, +that which is dearest to you is your honour, and there where you are +going everyone, without counting my lord, will try to rob you of it, +but you see well what it is worth; for that reason do not lose it save +willingly and in proper manner. Now in order not to contaminate your +virtue before God and before man, except for a legitimate motive, take +heed that your chance of marriage be not damaged beforehand, otherwise +you will go to the bad." + +"Yes, dear mother," replied the maid. + +And thereupon she left the poor abode of her relation, and came to the +chateau of Valennes, there to serve my lady, who found her both pretty +and to her taste. + +When the people of Valennes, Sache, Villaines, and other places, +learned the high price given for the maid of Thilouse, the good +housewives recognising the fact that nothing is more profitable than +virtue, endeavoured to nourish and bring up their daughters virtuous, +but the business was as risky as that of rearing silkworms, which are +liable to perish, since innocence is like a medlar, and ripens quickly +on the straw. There were, however, some girls noted for it in +Touraine, who passed for virgins in the convents of the religious, but +I cannot vouch for these, not having proceeded to verify them in the +manner laid down by Verville, in order to make sure of the perfect +virtue of women. However, Marie Fiquet followed the wise counsel of +her mother, and would take no notice of the soft requests, honied +words, or apish tricks of her master, unless they were flavoured with +a promise of marriage. + +When the old lord tried to kiss her, she would put her back up like a +cat at the approach of a dog, crying out "I will tell Madame!" In +short at the end of six months he had not even recovered the price of +a single fagot. From her labour Marie Fiquet became harder and firmer. +Sometimes she would reply to the gentle request of her master, "When +you have taken it from me will you give it me back again?" + +Another time she would say, "If I were as full of holes as a sieve not +one should be for you, so ugly do I think you." + +The good old man took these village sayings for flowers of innocence, +and ceased not make little signs to her, long harangues and a hundred +vows and sermons, for by reason of seeing the fine breasts of the +maid, her plump hips, which at certain movements came into prominent +relief, and by reason of admiring other things capable of inflaming +the mind of a saint, this dear men became enamoured of her with an old +man's passion, which augments in geometrical proportions as opposed to +the passions of young men, because the old men love with their +weakness which grows greater, and the young with their strength which +grows less. In order to leave this headstrong girl no loophole for +refusal, the old lord took into his confidence the steward, whose age +was seventy odd years, and made him understand that he ought to marry +in order to keep his body warm, and that Marie Fiquet was the very +girl to suit him. The old steward, who had gained three hundred pounds +by different services about the house, desired to live quietly without +opening the front door again; but his good master begged him to marry +to please him, assuring him that he need not trouble about his wife. +So the good steward wandered out of sheer good nature into this +marriage. The day of the wedding, bereft of all her reasons, and not +able to find objections to her pursuer, she made him give her a fat +settlement and dowry as the price of her conquest, and then gave the +old knave leave to wink at her as often as he could, promising him as +many embraces as he had given grains of wheat to her mother. But at +his age a bushel was sufficient. + +The festivities over, the lord did not fail, as soon as his wife had +retired, to wend his way towards the well-glazed, well-carpeted, and +pretty room where he had lodged his lass, his money, his fagots, his +house, his wheat, and his steward. To be brief, know that he found the +maid of Thilouse the sweetest girl in the world, as pretty as +anything, by the soft light of the fire which was gleaming in the +chimney, snug between the sheets, and with a sweet odour about her, as +a young maiden should have, and in fact he had no regret for the great +price of this jewel. Not being able to restrain himself from hurrying +over the first mouthfuls of this royal morsel, the lord treated her +more as a past master than a young beginner. So the happy man by too +much gluttony, managed badly, and in fact knew nothing of the sweet +business of love. Finding which, the good wench said, after a minute +or two, to her old cavalier, "My lord, if you are there, as I think +you are, give a little more swing to your bells." + +From this saying, which became spread about, I know not how, Marie +Fiquet became famous, and it is still said in our country, "She is a +maid of Thilouse," in mockery of a bride, and to signify a +"fricquenelle." + +"Fricquenelle" is said of a girl I do not wish you to find in your +arms on your wedding night, unless you have been brought up in the +philosophy of Zeno, which puts up with anything, and there are many +people obliged to be Stoics in this funny situation, which is often +met with, for Nature turns, but changes not, and there are always good +maids of Thilouse to be found in Touraine, and elsewhere. Now if you +asked me in what consists, or where comes in, the moral of this tale? +I am at liberty to reply to the ladies; that the Cent Contes +Drolatiques are made more to teach the moral of pleasure than to +procure the pleasure of pointing a moral. But if it were a used up old +rascal who asked me, I should say to him with all the respect due to +his yellow or grey locks; that God wishes to punish the lord of +Valennes, for trying to purchase a jewel made to be given. + + + +THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS + +At the commencement of the reign of King Henry, second of the name, +who loved so well the fair Diana, there existed still a ceremony of +which the usage has since become much weakened, and which has +altogether disappeared, like an infinity of the good things of the +olden times. This fine and noble custom was the choice which all +knights made of a brother-in-arms. After having recognised each other +as two loyal and brave men, each one of this pretty couple was married +for life to the other; both became brothers, the one had to defend the +other in battling against the enemies who threatened him, and at Court +against the friends who slandered him. In the absence of his companion +the other was expected to say to one who should have accused his good +brother of any disloyalty, wickedness or dark felony, "You have lied +by your throat," and so go into the field instantly, so sure was the +one of the honour of the other. There is no need to add, that the one +was always the second of the other in all affairs, good or evil, and +that they shared all good or evil fortune. They were better than the +brothers who are only united by the hazard of nature, since they were +fraternised by the bonds of an especial sentiment, involuntary and +mutual, and thus the fraternity of arms has produced splendid +characters, as brave as those of the ancient Greeks, Romans, or +others. . . . But this is not my subject; the history of these things +has been written by the historians of our country, and everyone knows +them. + +Now at this time two young gentlemen of Touraine, of whom one was the +Cadet of Maille, and the other Sieur de Lavalliere, became brothers- +in-arms on the day they gained their spurs. They were leaving the +house of Monsieur de Montmorency, where they had been nourished with +the good doctrines of this great Captain, and had shown how contagious +is valour in such good company, for at the battle of Ravenna they +merited the praises of the oldest knights. It was in the thick of this +fierce fight that Maille, saved by the said Lavalliere, with whom he +had had a quarrel or two, perceived that this gentleman had a noble +heart. As they had each received slashes in the doublets, they +baptised their fraternity with their blood, and were ministered to +together in one and the same bed under the tent of Monsieur de +Montmorency their master. It is necessary to inform you that, contrary +to the custom of his family, which was always to have a pretty face, +the Cadet of Maille was not of a pleasing physiognomy, and had +scarcely any beauty but that of the devil. For the rest he was lithe +as a greyhound, broad shouldered and strongly built as King Pepin, who +was a terrible antagonist. On the other hand, the Sieur de Lavalliere +was a dainty fellow, for whom seemed to have been invented rich laces, +silken hose, and cancellated shoes. His long dark locks were pretty as +a lady's ringlets, and he was, to be brief, a child with whom all the +women would be glad to play. One day the Dauphine, niece of the Pope, +said laughingly to the Queen of Navarre, who did not dislike these +little jokes, "that this page was a plaster to cure every ache," which +caused the pretty little Tourainian to blush, because, being only +sixteen, he took this gallantry as a reproach. + +Now on his return from Italy the Cadet of Maille found the slipper of +marriage ready for his foot, which his mother had obtained for him in +the person of Mademoiselle d'Annebaut, who was a graceful maiden of +good appearance, and well furnished with everything, having a splendid +hotel in the Rue Barbette, with handsome furniture and Italian +paintings and many considerable lands to inherit. Some days after the +death of King Francis--a circumstance which planted terror in the +heart of everyone, because his said Majesty had died in consequence of +an attack of the Neapolitan sickness, and that for the future there +would be no security even with princesses of the highest birth--the +above-named Maille was compelled to quit the Court in order to go and +arrange certain affairs of great importance in Piedmont. You may be +sure that he was very loath to leave his good wife, so young, so +delicate, so sprightly, in the midst of the dangers, temptations, +snares and pitfalls of this gallant assemblage, which comprised so +many handsome fellows, bold as eagles, proud of mein, and as fond of +women as the people are partial to Paschal hams. In this state of +intense jealousy everything made him ill at ease; but by dint of much +thinking, it occurred to him to make sure of his wife in the manner +about to be related. He invited his good brother-in-arms to come at +daybreak on the morning of his departure. Now directly he heard +Lavalliere's horse in the courtyard, he leaped out of bed, leaving his +sweet and fair better-half sleeping that gentle, dreamy, dozing sleep +so beloved by dainty ladies and lazy people. Lavalliere came to him, +and the two companions, hidden in the embrasure of the window, greeted +each other with a loyal clasp of the hand, and immediately Lavalliere +said to Maille-- + +"I should have been here last night in answer to thy summons, but I +had a love suit on with my lady, who had given me an assignation; I +could in no way fail to keep it, but I quitted her at dawn. Shall I +accompany thee? I have told her of thy departure, she has promised me +to remain without any amour; we have made a compact. If she deceives +me--well a friend is worth more than a mistress!" + +"Oh! my good brother" replied the Maille, quite overcome with these +words, "I wish to demand of thee a still higher proof of thy brave +heart. Wilt thou take charge of my wife, defend her against all, be +her guide, keep her in check and answer to me for the integrity of my +head? Thou canst stay here during my absence, in the green-room, and +be my wife's cavalier." + +Lavalliere knitted his brow and said-- + +"It is neither thee nor thy wife that I fear, but evil-minded people, +who will take advantage of this to entangle us like skeins of silk." + +"Do not be afraid of me," replied Maille, clasping Lavalliere to his +breast. "If it be the divine will of the Almighty that I should have +the misfortune to be a cuckold, I should be less grieved if it were to +your advantage. But by my faith I should die of grief, for my life is +bound up in my good, young, virtuous wife." + +Saying which, he turned away his head, in order that Lavalliere should +not perceive the tears in his eyes; but the fine courtier saw this +flow of water, and taking the hand of Maille-- + +"Brother," said he to him, "I swear to thee on my honour as a man, +that before anyone lays a finger on thy wife, he shall have felt my +dagger in the depth of his veins! And unless I should die, thou shalt +find her on thy return, intact in body if not in heart, because +thought is beyond the control of gentlemen." + +"It is then decreed above," exclaimed Maille, "that I shall always be +thy servant and thy debtor!" + +Thereupon the comrade departed, in order not to be inundated with the +tears, exclamations, and other expressions of grief which ladies make +use of when saying "Farewell." Lavalliere having conducted him to the +gate of the town, came back to the hotel, waited until Marie +d'Annebaut was out of bed, informed her of the departure of her good +husband, and offered to place himself at her orders, in such a +graceful manner, that the most virtuous woman would have been tickled +with a desire to keep such a knight to herself. But there was no need +of this fine paternoster to indoctrinate the lady, seeing that she had +listened to the discourse of the two friends, and was greatly offended +at her husband's doubt. Alas! God alone is perfect! In all the ideas +of men there is always a bad side, and it is therefore a great science +in life, but an impossible science, to take hold of everything, even a +stick by the right end. The cause of the great difficulty there is in +pleasing the ladies is, that there is it in them a thing which is more +woman than they are, and but for the respect which is due to them, I +would use another word. Now we should never awaken the phantasy of +this malevolent thing. The perfect government of woman is a task to +rend a man's heart, and we are compelled to remain in perfect +submission to them; that is, I imagine, the best manner in which to +solve the most agonising enigma of marriage. + +Now Marie d'Annebaut was delighted with the bearing and offers of this +gallant; but there was something in her smile which indicated a +malicious idea, and, to speak plainly, the intention of putting her +young guardian between honour and pleasure; to regale him so with +love, to surround him with so many little attentions, to pursue him +with such warm glances, that he would be faithless to friendship, to +the advantage of gallantry. + +Everything was in perfect trim for the carrying out of her design, +because of the companionship which the Sire de Lavalliere would be +obliged to have with her during his stay in the hotel, and as there is +nothing in the world can turn a woman from her whim, at every turn the +artful jade was ready to catch him in a trap. + +At times she would make him remain seated near her by the fire, until +twelve o'clock at night, singing soft refrains, and at every +opportunity showed her fair shoulders, and the white temptations of +which her corset was full, and casting upon him a thousand piercing +glances, all without showing in her face the thoughts that surged in +her brain. + +At times she would walk with him in the morning, in the gardens of the +hotel, leaning heavily upon his arm, pressing it, sighing, and making +him tie the laces of her little shoes, which were always coming undone +in that particular place. Then it would be those soft words and things +which the ladies understand so well, little attentions paid to a +guest, such as coming in to see if he were comfortable, if his bed +were well made, the room clean, if the ventilation were good, if he +felt any draughts in the night, if the sun came in during the day, and +asking him to forgo none of his usual fancies and habits, saying-- + +"Are you accustomed to take anything in the morning in bed, such as +honey, milk, or spice? Do the meal times suit you? I will conform mine +to yours: tell me. You are afraid to ask me. Come--" + +She accompanied these coddling little attentions with a hundred +affected speeches; for instance, on coming into the room she would +say-- + +"I am intruding, send me away. You want to be left alone--I will go." +And always was she graciously invited to remain. + +And the cunning Madame always came lightly attired, showing samples of +her beauty, which would have made a patriarch neigh, even were he as +much battered by time as must have been Mr. Methusaleh, with his nine +hundred and sixty years. + +That good knight being as sharp as a needle, let the lady go on with +her tricks, much pleased to see her occupy herself with him, since it +was so much gained; but like a loyal brother, he always called her +absent husband to the lady's mind. + +Now one evening--the day had been very warm--Lavalliere suspecting the +lady's games, told her that Maille loved her dearly, that she had in +him a man of honour, a gentleman who doted on her, and was ticklish on +the score of his crown. + +"Why then, if he is so ticklish in this manner, has he placed you +here?" + +"Was it not a most prudent thing?" replied he. "Was it not necessary +to confide you to some defender of your virtue? Not that it needs one +save to protect you from wicked men." + +"Then you are my guardian?" said she. + +"I am proud of it!" exclaimed Lavalliere. + +"Ah!" said she, "he has made a very bad choice." + +This remark was accompanied by a little look, so lewdly lascivious +that the good brother-in-arms put on, by way of reproach, a severe +countenance, and left the fair lady alone, much piqued at this refusal +to commence love's conflict. + +She remained in deep meditation, and began to search for the real +obstacle that she had encountered, for it was impossible that it +should enter the mind of any lady, that a gentleman could despise that +bagatelle which is of such great price and so high value. Now these +thoughts knitted and joined together so well, one fitting into the +other, that out of little pieces she constructed a perfect whole, and +found herself desperately in love; which should teach the ladies never +to play with a man's weapons, seeing that like glue, they always stick +to the fingers. + +By this means Marie d'Annebaut came to a conclusion which she should +have known at the commencement--viz., that to keep clear of her +snares, the good knight must be smitten with some other lady, and +looking round her, to see where her young guest could have found a +needle-case to his taste, she thought of the fair Limeuil, one of +Queen Catherine's maids, of Mesdames de Nevers, d'Estree, and de Giac, +all of whom were declared friends of Lavalliere, and of the lot he +must love one to distraction. + +From this belief, she added the motive of jealousy to the others which +tempted her to seduce her Argus, whom she did not wish to wound, but +to perfume, kiss his head, and treat kindly. + +She was certainly more beautiful, young, and more appetising and +gentle than her rivals; at least, that was the melodious decree of her +imaginations. So, urged on by the chords and springs of conscience, +and physical causes which affect women, she returned to the charge, to +commence a fresh assault upon the heart of the chevalier, for the +ladies like that which is well fortified. + +Then she played the pussy-cat, and nestled up close to him, became so +sweetly sociable, and wheedled so gently, that one evening when she +was in a desponding state, although merry enough in her inmost soul, +the guardian-brother asked her-- + +"What is the matter with you?" + +To which she replied to him dreamily, being listened to by him as the +sweetest music-- + +That she had married Maille against her heart's will, and that she was +very unhappy; that she knew not the sweets of love; that her husband +did not understand her, and that her life was full of tears. In fact, +that she was a maiden in heart and all, since she confessed in +marriage she had experienced nothing but the reverse of pleasure. And +she added, that surely this holy state should be full of sweetmeats +and dainties of love, because all the ladies hurried into it, and +hated and were jealous of those who out-bid them, for it cost certain +people pretty dear; that she was so curious about it that for one good +day or night of love, she would give her life, and always be obedient +to her lover without a murmur; but that he with whom she would sooner +than all others try the experiment would not listen to her; that, +nevertheless, the secret of their love might be kept eternally, so +great was her husband's confidence in him, and that finally if he +still refused it would kill her. + +And all these paraphrases of the common canticle known to the ladies +at their birth were ejaculated between a thousand pauses, interrupted +with sighs torn from the heart, ornamented with quiverings, appeals to +heaven, upturned eyes, sudden blushings and clutchings at her hair. In +fact, no ingredient of temptation was lacking in the dish, and at the +bottom of all these words there was a nipping desire which embellished +even its blemishes. The good knight fell at the lady's feet, and +weeping took them and kissed them, and you may be sure the good woman +was quite delighted to let him kiss them, and even without looking too +carefully to see what she was going to do, she abandoned her dress to +him, knowing well that to keep it from sweeping the ground it must be +taken at the bottom to raise it; but it was written that for that +evening she should be good, for the handsome Lavalliere said to her +with despair-- + +"Ah, madame, I am an unfortunate man and a wretch." + +"Not at all," said she. + +"Alas, the joy of loving you is denied to me." + +"How?" said she. + +"I dare not confess my situation to you!" + +"Is it then very bad?" + +"Ah, you will be ashamed of me!" + +"Speak, I will hide my face in my hands," and the cunning madame hid +her face is such a way that she could look at her well-beloved between +her fingers. + +"Alas!" said he, "the other evening when you addressed me in such +gracious words, I was so treacherously inflamed, that not knowing my +happiness to be so near, and not daring to confess my flame to you, I +ran to a Bordel where all the gentleman go, and there for love of you, +and to save the honour of my brother whose head I should blush to +dishonour, I was so badly infected that I am in great danger of dying +of the Italian sickness." + +The lady, seized with terror, gave vent to the cry of a woman in +labour, and with great emotion, repulsed him with a gentle little +gesture. Poor Lavalliere, finding himself in so pitiable state, went +out of the room, but he had not even reached the tapestries of the +door, when Marie d'Annebaut again contemplated him, saying to herself, +"Ah! what a pity!" Then she fell into a state of great melancholy, +pitying in herself the gentleman, and became the more in love with him +because he was fruit three times forbidden. + +"But for Maille," said she to him, one evening that she thought him +handsomer than unusual, "I would willingly take your disease. Together +we should then have the same terrors." + +"I love you too well," said the brother, "not to be good." + +And he left her to go to his beautiful Limeuil. You can imagine that +being unable to refuse to receive the burning glances of the lady, +during meal times, and the evenings, there was a fire nourished that +warmed them both, but she was compelled to live without touching her +cavalier, otherwise than with her eyes. Thus occupied, Marie +d'Annebaut was fortified at every point against the gallants of the +Court, for there are no bounds so impassable as those of love, and no +better guardian; it is like the devil, he whom it has in its clutches +it surrounds with flames. One evening, Lavalliere having escorted his +friend's wife to a dance given by Queen Catherine, he danced with the +fair Limeuil, with whom he was madly in love. At that time the knights +carried on their amours bravely two by two, and even in troops. Now +all the ladies were jealous of La Limeuil, who at that time was +thinking of yielding to the handsome Lavalliere. Before taking their +places in the quadrille, she had given him the sweetest of +assignations for the morrow, during the hunt. Our great Queen +Catherine, who from political motives fermented these loves and +stirred them up, like pastrycooks make the oven fires burn by poking, +glanced at all the pretty couples interwoven in the quadrille, and +said to her husband-- + +"When they combat here, can they conspire against you, eh?" + +"Ah! but the Protestants?" + +"Bah! have them here as well," said she, laughing. "Why, look at +Lavalliere, who is suspected to be a Huguenot; he is converted by my +dear little Limeuil, who does not play her cards badly for a young +lady of sixteen. He will soon have her name down in his list." + +"Ah, Madame! do not believe it," said Marie d'Annebaut, "he is ruined +through that same sickness of Naples which made you queen." + +At this artless confession, Catherine, the fair Diana, and the king, +who were sitting together, burst out laughing, and the thing ran round +the room. This brought endless shame and mockery upon Lavalliere. The +poor gentleman, pointed at by everyone, soon wished somebody else in +his shoes, for La Limeuil, who his rivals had not been slow laughingly +to warn of her danger, appeared to shrink from her lover, so rapid was +the spread, and so violent the apprehensions of this nasty disease. +Thus Lavalliere found himself abandoned by everyone like a leper. The +king made an offensive remark, and the good knight quitted the +ball-room, followed by poor Marie in despair at the speech. She had in +every way ruined the man she loved: she had destroyed his honour, and +marred his life, since the physicians and master surgeons advance as a +fact, incapable of contradiction, that persons Italianised by this +love sickness, lost through it their greatest attractions, as well as +their generative powers, and their bones went black. + +Thus no woman would bind herself in legitimate marriage with the +finest gentlemen in the kingdom if he were only suspected of being one +of those whom Master Frances Rabelais named "his very precious scabby +ones. . . . ." + +As the handsome knight was very silent and melancholy, his companion +said to him on the road home from Hercules House, where the fete had +been held-- + +"My dear lord, I have done you a great mischief." + +"Ah, madame!" replied Lavalliere, "my hurt is curable; but into what a +predicament have you fallen? You should not have been aware of the +danger of my love." + +"Ah!" said she, "I am sure now always to have you to myself; in +exchange for this great obloquy and dishonour, I will be forever your +friend, your hostess, and your lady-love--more than that, your +servant. My determination is to devote myself to you and efface the +traces of this shame; to cure you by a watch and ward; and if the +learned in these matters declare that the disease has such a hold of +you that it will kill you like our defunct sovereign, I must still +have your company in order to die gloriously in dying of your +complaint. Even then," said she, weeping, "that will not be penance +enough to atone for the wrong I have done you." + +These words were accompanied with big tears; her virtuous heart waxed +faint, she fell to the ground exhausted. Lavalliere, terrified, caught +her and placed his hand upon her heart, below a breast of matchless +beauty. The lady revived at the warmth of this beloved hand, +experiencing such exquisite delights as nearly to make her again +unconscious. + +"Alas!" said she, "this sly and superficial caress will be for the +future the only pleasure of our love. It will still be a hundred times +better than the joys which poor Maille fancies he is bestowing on me. +. . . Leave your hand there," said she; "verily it is upon my soul, +and touches it." + +At these words the knight was in a pitiful plight, and innocently +confessed to the Lady that he experienced so much pleasure at this +touch that the pains of his malady increased, and that death was +preferable to this martyrdom. + +"Let us die then," said she. + +But the litter was in the courtyard of the hotel, and as the means of +death was not handy, each one slept far from the other, heavily +weighed down with love, Lavalliere having lost his fair Limeuil, and +Marie d'Annebaut having gained pleasures without parallel. + +From this affair, which was quite unforeseen, Lavalliere found himself +under the ban of love and marriage and dared no longer appear in +public, and he found how much it costs to guard the virtue of a woman; +but the more honour and virtue he displayed the more pleasure did he +experience in these great sacrifices offered at the shrine of +brotherhood. Nevertheless, his duty was very bitter, very ticklish, +and intolerable to perform, towards the last days of his guard. And in +this way. + +The confession of her love, which she believed was returned, the wrong +done by her to her cavalier, and the experience of an unknown +pleasure, emboldened the fair Marie, who fell into a platonic love, +gently tempered with those little indulgences in which there is no +danger. From this cause sprang the diabolical pleasures of the game +invented by the ladies, who since the death of Francis the First +feared the contagion, but wished to gratify their lovers. To these +cruel delights, in order to properly play his part, Lavalliere could +not refuse his sanction. Thus every evening the mournful Marie would +attach her guest to her petticoats, holding his hand, kissing him with +burning glances, her cheek placed gently against his, and during this +virtuous embrace, in which the knight was held like the devil by a +holy water brush, she told him of her great love, which was boundless +since it stretched through the infinite spaces of unsatisfied desire. +All the fire with which the ladies endow their substantial amours, +when the night has no other lights than their eyes, she transferred +into the mystic motions of her head, the exultations of her soul, and +the ecstasies of her heart. Then, naturally, and with the delicious +joy of two angels united by thought alone, they intoned together those +sweet litanies repeated by the lovers of the period in honour of +love--anthems which the abbot of Theleme has paragraphically saved +from oblivion by engraving them on the walls of his Abbey, situated, +according to master Alcofribas, in our land of Chinon, where I have +seen them in Latin, and have translated them for the benefit of +Christians. + +"Alas!" said Marie d'Annebaut, "thou art my strength and my life, my +joy and my treasure." + +"And you," replied he "you are a pearl, an angel." + +"Thou art my seraphim." + +"You my soul." + +"Thou my God." + +"You my evening star and morning star, my honour, my beauty, my +universe." + +"Thou my great my divine master." + +"You my glory, my faith, my religion." + +"Thou my gentle one, my handsome one, my courageous one, my dear one, +my cavalier, my defender, my king, my love. " + +"You my fairy, the flower of my days, the dream of my nights." + +"Thou my thought at every moment." + +"You the delights of my eyes." + +"Thou the voice of my soul." + +"You my light by day." + +"Thou my glimmer in the night." + +"You the best beloved among women." + +"Thou the most adored of men." + +"You my blood, a myself better than myself." + +"Thou art my heart, my lustre." + +"You my saint, my only joy." + +"I yield thee the palm of love, and how great so'er mine be, I believe +thou lovest me still more, for thou art the lord." + +"No; the palm is yours, my goddess, my Virgin Marie." + +"No; I am thy servant, thine handmaiden, a nothing thou canst crush to +atoms." + +"No, no! it is I who am your slave, your faithful page, whom you see +as a breath of air, upon whom you can walk as on a carpet. My heart is +your throne." + +"No, dearest, for thy voice transfigures me." + +"Your regard burns me." + +"I see but thee." + +"I love but you." + +"Oh! put thine hand upon my heart--only thine hand--and thou will see +me pale, when my blood shall have taken the heat of thine." + +Then during these struggles their eyes, already ardent, flamed still +more brightly, and the good knight was a little the accomplice of the +pleasure which Marie d'Annebaut took in feeling his hand upon her +heart. Now, as in this light embrace all their strength was put forth, +all their desires strained, all their ideas of the thing concentrated, +it happened that the knight's transport reached a climax. Their eyes +wept warm tears, they seized each other hard and fast as fire seizes +houses; but that was all. Lavalliere had promised to return safe and +sound to his friend the body only, not the heart. + +When Maille announced his return, it was quite time, since no virtue +could avoid melting upon this gridiron; and the less licence the +lovers had, the more pleasure they had in their fantasies. + +Leaving Marie d'Annebaut, the good companion in arms went as far as +Bondy to meet his friend, to help him to pass through the forest +without accident, and the two brothers slept together, according to +the ancient custom, in the village of Bondy. + +There, in their bed, they recounted to each other, one of the +adventures of his journey, the other the gossip of the camp, stories +of gallantry, and the rest. But Maille's first question was touching +Marie d'Annebaut, whom Lavalliere swore to be intact in that precious +place where the honour of husbands is lodged; at which the amorous +Maille was highly delighted. + +On the morrow, they were all three re-united, to the great disgust of +Marie, who, with the high jurisprudence of women, made a great fuss +with her good husband, but with her finger she indicated her heart in +an artless manner to Lavalliere, as one who said, "This is thine!" + +At supper Lavalliere announced his departure for the wars. Maille was +much grieved at this resolution, and wished to accompany his brother; +that Lavalliere refused him point blank. + +"Madame," said he to Marie d'Annebaut, "I love you more than life, but +not more than honour." + +He turned pale saying this, and Madame de Maille blanched hearing him, +because never in their amorous dalliance had there been so much true +love as in this speech. Maille insisted on keeping his friend company +as far as Meaux. When he came back he was talking over with his wife +the unknown reasons and secret causes of this departure, when Marie, +who suspected the grief of poor Lavalliere said, "I know: he is +ashamed to stop here because he has the Neapolitan sickness." + +"He!" said Maille, quite astonished. "I saw him when we were in bed +together at Bondy the other evening, and yesterday at Meaux. There's +nothing the matter with him; he is as sound as a bell." + +The lady burst into tears, admiring this great loyalty, the sublime +resignation to his oath, and the extreme sufferings of this internal +passion. But as she still kept her love in the recesses of her heart, +she died when Lavalliere fell before Metz, as has been elsewhere +related by Messire Bourdeilles de Brantome in his tittle-tattle. + + + +THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU + +In those days the priests no longer took any woman in legitimate +marriage, but kept good mistresses as pretty as they could get; which +custom has since been interdicted by the council, as everyone knows, +because, indeed, it was not pleasant that the private confessions of +people should be retold to a wench who would laugh at them, besides +the other secret doctrines, ecclesiastical arrangements, and +speculations which are part and parcel of the politics of the Church +of Rome. The last priest in our country who theologically kept a woman +in his parsonage, regaling her with his scholastic love, was a certain +vicar of Azay-le-Ridel, a place later on most aptly named as +Azay-le-Brule, and now Azay-le-Rideau, whose castle is one of the +marvels of Touraine. Now this said period, when the women were not +averse to the odour of the priesthood, is not so far distant as some +may think, Monsieur D'Orgemont, son of the preceding bishop, still +held the see of Paris, and the great quarrels of the Armagnacs had not +finished. To tell the truth, this vicar did well to have his vicarage +in that age, since he was well shapen, of a high colour, stout, big, +strong, eating and drinking like a convalescent, and indeed, was +always rising from a little malady that attacked him at certain times; +and, later on, he would have been his own executioner, had he +determined to observe his canonical continence. Add to this that he +was a Tourainian, id est, dark, and had in his eyes flame to light, +and water to quench all the domestic furnaces that required lighting +or quenching; and never since at Azay has been such vicar seen! A +handsome vicar was he, square-shouldered, fresh coloured, always +blessing and chuckling, preferred weddings and christenings to +funerals, a good joker, pious in Church, and a man in everything. +There have been many vicars who have drunk well and eaten well; others +who have blessed abundantly and chuckled consumedly; but all of them +together would hardly make up the sterling worth of this aforesaid +vicar; and he alone has worthily filled his post with benedictions, +has held it with joy, and in it has consoled the afflicted, all so +well, that no one saw him come out of his house without wishing to be +in his heart, so much was he beloved. It was he who first said in a +sermon that the devil was not so black as he was painted, and who for +Madame de Cande transformed partridges into fish saying that the perch +of the Indre were partridges of the river, and, on the other hand, +partridges perch in the air. He never played artful tricks under the +cloak of morality, and often said, jokingly, he would rather be in a +good bed then in anybody's will, that he had plenty of everything, and +wanted nothing. As for the poor and suffering, never did those who +came to ask for wool at the vicarage go away shorn, for his hand was +always in his pocket, and he melted (he who in all else was so firm) +at the sight of all this misery and infirmity, and he endeavoured to +heal all their wounds. There have been many good stories told +concerning this king of vicars. It was he who caused such hearty +laughter at the wedding of the lord of Valennes, near Sacche. The +mother of the said lord had a good deal to do with the victuals, roast +meats and other delicacies, of which there was sufficient quantity to +feed a small town at least, and it is true, at the same time, that +people came to the wedding from Montbazon, from Tours, from Chinon, +from Langeais, and from everywhere, and stopped eight days. + +Now the good vicar, as he was going into the room where the company +were enjoying themselves, met the little kitchen boy, who wished to +inform Madame that all the elementary substances and fat rudiments, +syrups, and sauces, were in readiness for a pudding of great delicacy, +the secret compilation, mixing, and manipulation of which she wished +herself to superintend, intending it as a special treat for her +daughter-in-law's relations. Our vicar gave the boy a tap on the +cheek, telling him that he was too greasy and dirty to show himself to +people of high rank, and that he himself would deliver the said +message. The merry fellow pushes open the door, shapes the fingers of +his left hand into the form of a sheath, and moves gently therein the +middle finger of his right, at the same time looking at the lady of +Valennes, and saying to her, "Come, all is ready." Those who did not +understand the affair burst out laughing to see Madame get up and go +to the vicar, because she knew he referred to the pudding, and not to +that which the others imagined. + +But a true story is that concerning the manner in which this worthy +pastor lost his mistress, to whom the ecclesiastical authorities +allowed no successor; but, as for that, the vicar did not want for +domestic utensils. In the parish everyone thought it an honour to lend +him theirs, the more readily because he was not the man to spoil +anything, and was careful to clean them out thoroughly, the dear man. +But here are the facts. One evening the good man came home to supper +with a melancholy face, because he had just put into the ground a good +farmer, whose death came about in a strange manner, and is still +frequently talked about in Azay. Seeing that he only ate with the end +of his teeth, and turned up his nose at a dish of tripe, which had +been cooked in his own special manner, his good woman said to him-- + +"Have you passed before the Lombard (see MASTER CORNELIUS passim), met +two black crows, or seen the dead man turn in his grave, that you are +so upset?" + +"Oh! Oh!" + +"Has anyone deceived you?" + +"Ha! Ha!" + +"Come, tell me!" + +"My dear, I am still quite overcome at the death of poor Cochegrue, +and there is not at the present moment a good housewife's tongue or a +virtuous cuckold's lips that are not talking about it." + +"And what was it?" + +"Listen! This poor Cochegrue was returning from market, having sold +his corn and two fat pigs. He was riding his pretty mare, who, near +Azay, commenced to caper about without the slightest cause, and poor +Cochegrue trotted and ambled along counting his profits. At the corner +of the old road of the Landes de Charlemagne, they came upon a +stallion kept by the Sieur de la Carte, in a field, in order to have a +good breed of horses, because the said animal was fleet of foot, as +handsome as an abbot, and so high and mighty that the admiral who came +to see it, said it was a beast of the first quality. This cursed horse +scented the pretty mare; like a cunning beast, neither neighed nor +gave vent to any equine ejaculation, but when she was close to the +road, leaped over forty rows of vines and galloped after her, pawing +the ground with his iron shoes, discharging the artillery of a lover +who longs for an embrace, giving forth sounds to set the strongest +teeth on edge, and so loudly, that the people of Champy heard it and +were much terrified thereat. + +Cochegrue, suspecting the affair, makes for the moors, spurs his +amorous mare, relying upon her rapid pace, and indeed, the good mare +understands, obeys, and flies--flies like a bird, but a bowshot off +follows the blessed horse, thundering along the road like a blacksmith +beating iron, and at full speed, his mane flying in the wind, replying +to the sound of the mare's swift gallop with his terrible pat-a-pan! +pat-a-pan! Then the good farmer, feeling death following him in the +love of the beast, spurs anew his mare, and harder still she gallops, +until at last, pale and half dead with fear, he reaches the outer yard +of his farmhouse, but finding the door of the stable shut he cries, +'Help here! Wife!' Then he turned round on his mare, thinking to avoid +the cursed beast whose love was burning, who was wild with passion, +and growing more amorous every moment, to the great danger of the +mare. His family, horrified at the danger, did not go to open the +stable door, fearing the strange embrace and the kicks of the +iron-shod lover. At last, Cochegrue's wife went, but just as the good +mare was half way through the door, the cursed stallion seized her, +squeezed her, gave her a wild greeting, with his two legs gripped her, +pinched her and held her tight, and at the same time so kneaded and +knocked about Cochegrue that there was only found of him a shapeless +mass, crushed like a nut after the oil has been distilled from it. It +was shocking to see him squashed alive and mingling his cries with the +loud love-sighs of the horse." + +"Oh! the mare!" exclaimed the vicar's good wench. + +"What!" said the priest astonished. + +"Certainly. You men wouldn't have cracked a plumstone for us." + +"There," answered the vicar, "you wrong me." The good man threw her so +angrily upon the bed, attacked and treated her so violently that she +split into pieces, and died immediately without either surgeons or +physicians being able to determine the manner in which the solution of +continuity was arrived at, so violently disjointed were the hinges and +mesial partitions. You can imagine that he was a proud man, and a +splendid vicar as has been previously stated. + +The good people of the country, even the women, agreed that he was not +to blame, but that his conduct was warranted by the circumstances. + +From this, perhaps, came the proverb so much in use at that time, Que +l'aze le saille! The which proverb is really so much coarser in its +actual wording, that out of respect for the ladies I will not mention +it. But this was not the only clever thing that this great and noble +vicar achieved, for before this misfortune he did such a stroke of +business that no robbers dare ask him how many angels he had in his +pocket, even had they been twenty strong and over to attack him. One +evening when his good woman was still with him, after supper, during +which he had enjoyed his goose, his wench, his wine, and everything, +and was reclining in his chair thinking where he could build a new +barn for the tithes, a message came for him from the lord of Sacche, +who was giving up the ghost and wished to reconcile himself with God, +receive the sacrament, and go through the usual ceremonies. "He is a +good man and loyal lord. I will go." said he. Thereupon he passed into +the church, took the silver box where the blessed bread is, rang the +little bell himself in order not to wake the clerk, and went lightly +and willingly along the roads. Near the Gue-droit, which is a valley +leading to the Indre across the moors, our good vicar perceived a high +toby. And what is a high toby? It is a clerk of St. Nicholas. Well, +what is that? That means a person who sees clearly on a dark night, +instructs himself by examining and turning over purses, and takes his +degrees on the high road. Do you understand now? Well then, the high +toby waited for the silver box, which he knew to be of great value. + +"Oh! oh!" said the priest, putting down the sacred vase on a stone at +the corner of the bridge, "stop thou there without moving." + +Then he walked up to the robber, tipped him up, seized his loaded +stick, and when the rascal got up to struggle with him, he gutted him +with a blow well planted in the middle of his stomach. Then he picked +up the viaticum again, saying bravely to it: "Ah! If I had relied upon +thy providence, we should have been lost." Now to utter these impious +words on the road to Sacche was mere waste of breath, seeing that he +addressed them not to God, but to the Archbishop of Tours, who have +once severely rebuked him, threatened him with suspension, and +admonished him before the Chapter for having publicly told certain +lazy people that a good harvest was not due to the grace of God, but +to skilled labour and hard work--a doctrine which smelt of the fagot. +And indeed he was wrong, because the fruits of the earth have need +both of one and the other; but he died in this heresy, for he could +never understand how crops could come without digging, if God so +willed it--a doctrine that learned men have since proved to be true, +by showing that formerly wheat grew very well without the aid of man. +I cannot leave this splendid model of a pastor without giving here one +of the acts of his life, which proves with what fervour he imitated +the saints in the division of their goods and mantles, which they gave +formerly to the poor and the passers-by. One day, returning from +Tours, where he had been paying his respects to the official, mounted +on his mule, he was nearing Azay. On the way, just out side Ballan, he +met a pretty girl on foot, and was grieved to see a woman travelling +like a dog; the more so as she was visibly fatigued, and could +scarcely raise one foot before the other. He whistled to her softly, +and the pretty wench turned round and stopped. The good priest, who +was too good a sportsman to frighten the birds, especially the hooded +ones, begged her so gently to ride behind him on his mule, and in so +polite a fashion, that the lass got up; not without making those +little excuses and grimaces that they all make when one invites them +to eat, or to take what they like. The sheep paired off with the +shepherd, the mule jogged along after the fashion of mules, while the +girl slipped now this way now that, riding so uncomfortably that the +priest pointed out to her, after leaving Ballan, that she had better +hold on to him; and immediately my lady put her plump arms around the +waist of her cavalier, in a modest and timorous manner. + +"There, you don't slip about now. Are you comfortable?" said the +vicar. + +"Yes, I am comfortable. Are you?" + +"I?" said the priest, "I am better than that." + +And, in fact, he was quite at his ease, and was soon gently warmed in +the back by two projections which rubbed against it, and at last +seemed as though they wished to imprint themselves between his +shoulder blades, which would have been a pity, as that was not the +place for this white merchandise. By degrees the movement of mule +brought into conjunction the internal warmth of these two good riders, +and their blood coursed more quickly through their veins, seeing that +it felt the motion of the mule as well as their own; and thus the good +wench and the vicar finished by knowing each other's thoughts, but not +those of the mule. When they were both acclimatised, he with her and +she with him, they felt an internal disturbance which resolved itself +into secret desires. + +"Ah!" said the vicar, turning round to his companion, "here is a fine +cluster of trees which has grown very thick." + +"It is too near the road," replied the girl. "bad boys have cut the +branches, and the cows have eaten the young leaves." + +"Are you not married?" asked the vicar, trotting his animal again. + +"No," said she. + +"Not at all?" + +"I'faith! No!" + +"What a shame, at your age!" + +"You are right, sir; but you see, a poor girl who has had a child is a +bad bargain." + +Then the good vicar taking pity on such ignorance, and knowing that +the canons say among other things that pastors should indoctrinate +their flock and show them the duties and responsibilities of this +life, he thought he would only be discharging the functions of his +office by showing her the burden she would have one day to bear. Then +he begged her gently not be afraid, for if she would have faith in his +loyalty no one should ever know of the marital experiment which he +proposed then and there to perform with her; and as, since passing +Ballan the girl had thought of nothing else; as her desire had been +carefully sustained, and augmented by the warm movements of the +animal, she replied harshly to the vicar, "if you talk thus I will get +down." Then the good vicar continued his gentle requests so well that +on reaching the wood of Azay the girl wished to get down, and the +priest got down there too, for it was not across a horse that this +discussion could be finished. Then the virtuous maiden ran into the +thickest part of the wood to get away from the vicar, calling out, +"Oh, you wicked man, you shan't know where I am." + +The mule arrived in a glade where the grass was good, the girl tumbled +down over a root and blushed. The good vicar came to her, and there as +he had rung the bell for mass he went through the service for her, and +both freely discounted the joys of paradise. The good priest had it in +his heart to thoroughly instruct her, and found his pupil very docile, +as gentle in mind as soft in the flesh, a perfect jewel. Therefore was +he much aggrieved at having so much abridged the lessons by giving it +at Azay, seeing that he would have been quite willing to recommence +it, like all of precentors who say the same thing over and over again +to their pupils. + +"Ah! little one," cried the good man, "why did you make so much fuss +that we only came to an understanding close to Azay?" + +"Ah!" said she, "I belong to Bellan." + +To be brief, I must tell you that when this good man died in his +vicarage there was a great number of people, children and others, who +came, sorrowful, afflicted, weeping, and grieved, and all exclaimed, +"Ah! we have lost our father." And the girls, the widows, the wives +and little girls looked at each other, regretting him more than a +friend, and said, "He was more than a priest, he was a man!" Of these +vicars the seed is cast to the winds, and they will never be +reproduced in spite of the seminaries. + +Why, even the poor, to whom his savings were left, found themselves +still the losers, and an old cripple whom he had succoured hobbled +into the churchyard, crying "I don't die! I don't!" meaning to say, +"Why did not death take me in his place?" This made some of the people +laugh, at which the shade of the good vicar would certainly not have +been displeased. + + + +THE REPROACH + +The fair laundress of Portillon-les-Tours, of whom a droll saying has +already been given in this book, was a girl blessed with as much +cunning as if she had stolen that of six priests and three women at +least. She did not want for sweethearts, and had so many that one +would have compared them, seeing them around her, to bees swarming of +an evening towards their hive. An old silk dyer, who lived in the Rue +St. Montfumier, and there possessed a house of scandalous +magnificence, coming from his place at La Grenadiere, situated on the +fair borders of St. Cyr, passed on horseback through Portillon in +order to gain the Bridge of Tours. By reason of the warmth of the +evening, he was seized with a wild desire on seeing the pretty +washerwoman sitting upon her door-step. Now as for a very long time he +had dreamed of this pretty maid, his resolution was taken to make her +his wife, and in a short time she was transformed from a washerwoman +into a dyer's wife, a good townswoman, with laces, fine linen, and +furniture to spare, and was happy in spite of the dyer, seeing that +she knew very well how to manage him. The good dyer had for a crony a +silk machinery manufacturer who was small in stature, deformed for +life, and full of wickedness. So on the wedding-day he said to the +dyer, "You have done well to marry, my friend, we shall have a pretty +wife!"; and a thousand sly jokes, such as it is usual to address to a +bridegroom. + +In fact, this hunchback courted the dyer's wife, who from her nature, +caring little for badly built people, laughed to scorn the request of +the mechanician, and joked him about the springs, engines, and spools +of which his shop was full. However, this great love of the hunchback +was rebuffed by nothing, and became so irksome to the dyer's wife that +she resolved to cure it by a thousand practical jokes. One evening, +after the sempiternal pursuit, she told her lover to come to the back +door and towards midnight she would open everything to him. Now note, +this was on a winter's night; the Rue St.Montfumier is close to the +Loire, and in this corner there continually blow in winter, winds +sharp as a hundred needle-points. The good hunchback, well muffled up +in his mantle, failed not to come, and trotted up and down to keep +himself warm while waiting for the appointed hour. Towards midnight he +was half frozen, as fidgety as thirty-two devils caught in a stole, +and was about to give up his happiness, when a feeble light passed by +the cracks of the window and came down towards the little door. + +"Ah, it is she!" said he. + +And this hope warned him once more. Then he got close to the door, and +heard a little voice-- + +"Are you there?" said the dyer's wife to him. + +"Yes." + +"Cough, that I may see." + +The hunchback began to cough. + +"It is not you." + +Then the hunchback said aloud-- + +"How do you mean, it is not I? Do you not recognise my voice? Open the +door!" + +"Who's there?" said the dyer, opening the window. + +"There, you have awakened my husband, who returned from Amboise +unexpectedly this evening." + +Thereupon the dyer, seeing by the light of the moon a man at the door, +threw a big pot of cold water over him, and cried out, "Thieves! +thieves!" in such a manner that the hunchback was forced to run away; +but in his fear he failed to clear the chain stretched across the +bottom of the road and fell into the common sewer, which the sheriff +had not then replaced by a sluice to discharge the mud into the Loire. +In this bath the mechanician expected every moment to breathe his +last, and cursed the fair Tascherette, for her husband's name being +Taschereau, she was so called by way of a little joke by the people of +Tours. + +Carandas--for so was named the manufacturer of machines to weave, to +spin, to spool, and to wind the silk--was not sufficiently smitten to +believe in the innocence of the dyer's wife, and swore a devilish hate +against her. But some days afterwards, when he had recovered from his +wetting in the dyer's drain he came up to sup with his old comrade. +Then the dyer's wife reasoned with him so well, flavoured her words +with so much honey, and wheedled him with so many fair promises, that +he dismissed his suspicions. + +He asked for a fresh assignation, and the fair Tascherette with the +face of a woman whose mind is dwelling on a subject, said to him, +"Come tomorrow evening; my husband will be staying some days at +Chinonceaux. The queen wishes to have some of her old dresses dyed and +would settle the colours with him. It will take some time." + +Carandas put on his best clothes, failed not to keep the appointment, +appeared at the time fixed, and found a good supper prepared, +lampreys, wine of Vouvray, fine white napkins--for it was not +necessary to remonstrate with the dyer's wife on the colour of her +linen--and everything so well prepared that it was quite pleasant to +him to see the dishes of fresh eels, to smell the good odour of the +meats, and to admire a thousand little nameless things about the room, +and La Tascherette fresh and appetising as an apple on a hot day. Now, +the mechanician, excited to excess by these warm preparations, was on +the point of attacking the charms of the dyer's wife, when Master +Taschereau gave a loud knock at the street door. + +"Ha!" said madame, "what has happened? Put yourself in the clothes +chest, for I have been much abused respecting you; and if my husband +finds you, he may undo you; he is so violent in his temper." + +And immediately she thrust the hunchback into the chest, and went +quickly to her good husband, whom she knew well would be back from +Chinonceaux to supper. Then the dyer was kissed warmly on both his +eyes and on both his ears and he caught his good wife to him and +bestowed upon her two hearty smacks with his lips that sounded all +over the room. Then the pair sat down to supper, talked together and +finished by going to bed; and the mechanician heard all, though +obliged to remain crumpled up, and not to cough or to make a single +movement. He was in with the linen, crushed up as close as a sardine +in a box, and had about as much air as he would have had at the bottom +of a river; but he had, to divert him, the music of love, the sighs of +the dyer, and the little jokes of La Tascherette. At last, when he +fancied his old comrade was asleep, he made an attempt to get out of +the chest. + +"Who is there?" said the dyer. + +"What is the matter my little one?" said his wife, lifting her nose +above the counterpane. + +"I heard a scratching," said the good man. + +"We shall have rain to-morrow; it's the cat," replied his wife. + +The good husband put his head back upon the pillow after having been +gently embraced by his spouse. "There, my dear, you are a light +sleeper. It's no good trying to make a proper husband of you. There, +be good. Oh! oh! my little papa, your nightcap is on one side. There, +put it on the other way, for you must look pretty even when you are +asleep. There! are you all right?" + +"Yes." + +"Are you sleep?" said she, giving him a kiss. + +"Yes." + +In the morning the dyer's wife came softly and let out the +mechanician, who was whiter than a ghost. + +"Give me air, give me air!" said he. + +And away he ran cured of his love, but with as much hate in his heart +as a pocket could hold of black wheat. The said hunchback left Tours +and went to live in the town of Bruges, where certain merchants had +sent for him to arrange the machinery for making hauberks. + +During his long absence, Carandas, who had Moorish blood in his veins, +since he was descended from an ancient Saracen left half dead after +the great battle which took place between the Moors and the French in +the commune of Bellan (which is mentioned in the preceding tale), in +which place are the Landes of Charlemagne, where nothing grows because +of the cursed wretches and infidels there interred, and where the +grass disagrees even with the cows--this Carandas never rose up or lay +down in a foreign land without thinking of how he could give strength +to his desires of vengeance; and he was dreaming always of it, and +wishing nothing less than the death of the fair washerwoman of +Portillon and often would cry out "I will eat her flesh! I will cook +one of her breasts, and swallow it without sauce!" It was a tremendous +hate of good constitution--a cardinal hate--a hate of a wasp or an old +maid. It was all known hates moulded into one single hate, which +boiled itself, concocted itself, and resolved self into an elixir of +wicked and diabolical sentiments, warmed at the fire of the most +flaming furnaces of hell--it was, in fact, a master hate. + +Now one fine day, the said Carandas came back into Touraine with much +wealth, that he brought from the country of Flanders, where he had +sold his mechanical secrets. He bought a splendid house in Rue St. +Montfumier, which is still to be seen, and is the astonishment of the +passers-by, because it has certain very queer round humps fashioned +upon the stones of the wall. Carandas, the hater, found many notable +changes at the house of his friend, the dyer, for the good man had two +sweet children, who, by a curious chance, presented no resemblance +either to the mother or to the father. But as it is necessary that +children bear a resemblance to someone, there are certain people who +look for the features of their ancestors, when they are +good-looking--the flatters. So it was found by the good husband that +his two boys were like one of his uncles, formerly a priest at Notre +Dame de l'Egrignolles, but according to certain jokers, these two +children were the living portraits of a good-looking shaven crown +officiating in the Church of Notre Dame la Riche, a celebrated parish +situated between Tours and Plessis. Now, believe one thing, and +inculcate it upon your minds, and when in this book you shall only +have gleaned, gathered, extracted, and learned this one principle of +truth, look upon yourself as a lucky man--namely, that a man can never +dispense with his nose, id est, that a man will always be snotty--that +is to say, he will remain a man, and thus will continue throughout all +future centuries to laugh and drink, to find himself in his shirt +without feeling either better or worse there, and will have the same +occupations. But these preparatory ideas are to better to fix in the +understanding that this two-footed soul will always accept as true +those things which flatter his passions, caress his hates, or serve +his amours: from this comes logic. So it was that, the first day the +above-mentioned Carandas saw his old comrade's children, saw the +handsome priest, saw the beautiful wife of the dyer, saw La +Taschereau, all seated at the table, and saw to his detriment the best +piece of lamprey given with a certain air by La Tascherette to her +friend the priest, the mechanician said to himself, "My old friend is +a cuckold, his wife intrigues with the little confessor, and the +children have been begotten with his holy water. I'll show them that +the hunchbacks have something more than other men." + +And this was true--true as it is that Tours has always had its feet in +the Loire, like a pretty girl who bathes herself and plays with the +water, making a flick-flack, by beating the waves with her fair white +hands; for the town is more smiling, merry, loving, fresh, flowery, +and fragrant than all the other towns of the world, which are not +worthy to comb her locks or to buckle her waistband. And be sure if +you go there you will find, in the centre of it, a sweet place, in +which is a delicious street where everyone promenades, where there is +always a breeze, shade, sun, rain, and love. Ha! ha! laugh away, but +go there. It is a street always new, always royal, always imperial--a +patriotic street, a street with two paths, a street open at both ends, +a wide street, a street so large that no one has ever cried, "Out of +the way!" there. A street which does not wear out, a street which +leads to the abbey of Grand-mont, and to a trench, which works very +well with the bridge, and at the end of which is a finer fair ground. +A street well paved, well built, well washed, as clean as a glass, +populous, silent at certain times, a coquette with a sweet nightcap on +its pretty blue tiles--to be short, it is the street where I was born; +it is the queen of streets, always between the earth and sky; a street +with a fountain; a street which lacks nothing to be celebrated among +streets; and, in fact, it is the real street, the only street of +Tours. If there are others, they are dark, muddy, narrow, and damp, +and all come respectfully to salute this noble street, which commands +them. Where am I? For once in this street no one cares to come out of +it, so pleasant it is. But I owed this filial homage, this descriptive +hymn sung from the heart to my natal street, at the corners of which +there are wanting only the brave figures of my good master Rabelais, +and of Monsieur Descartes, both unknown to the people of the country. +To resume: the said Carandas was, on his return from Flanders, +entertained by his comrade, and by all those by whom he was liked for +his jokes, his drollery, and quaint remarks. The good hunchback +appeared cured of his old love, embraced the children, and when he was +alone with the dyer's wife, recalled the night in the clothes-chest, +and the night in the sewer, to her memory, saying to her, "Ha, ha! +what games you used to have with me." + +"It was your own fault," said she, laughing. "If you had allowed +yourself by reason of your great love to be ridiculed, made a fool of, +and bantered a few more times, you might have made an impression on +me, like the others." Thereupon Carandas commenced to laugh, though +inwardly raging all the time. Seeing the chest where he had nearly +been suffocated, his anger increased the more violently because the +sweet creature had become still more beautiful, like all those who are +permanently youthful from bathing in the water of youth, which waters +are naught less than the sources of love. The mechanician studied the +proceedings in the way of cuckoldom at his neighbour's house, in order +to revenge himself, for as many houses as there are so many varieties +of manner are there in this business; and although all amours resemble +each other in the same manner that all men resemble each other, it is +proved to the abstractors of true things, that for the happiness of +women, each love has its especial physiognomy, and if there is nothing +that resembles a man so much as a man, there is also nothing differs +from a man so much as a man. That it is, which confuses all things, or +explains the thousand fancies of women, who seek the best men with a +thousand pains and a thousand pleasures, perhaps more the one than the +other. But how can I blame them for their essays, changes, and +contradictory aims? Why, Nature frisks and wriggles, twists and turns +about, and you expect a woman to remain still! Do you know if ice is +really cold? No. Well then, neither do you know that cuckoldom is not +a lucky chance, the produce of brains well furnished and better made +than all the others. Seek something better than ventosity beneath the +sky. This will help to spread the philosophic reputation of this +eccentric book. Oh yes; go on. He who cries "vermin powder," is more +advanced than those who occupy themselves with Nature, seeing that she +is a proud jade and a capricious one, and only allows herself to be +seen at certain times. Do you understand? So in all languages does she +belong to the feminine gender, being a thing essentially changeable +and fruitful and fertile in tricks. + +Now Carandas soon recognised the fact that among cuckoldoms the best +understood and the most discreet is ecclesiastical cuckoldom. This is +how the good dyer's wife had laid her plans. She went always towards +her cottage at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr on the eve of the Sabbath, +leaving her good husband to finish his work, to count up and check his +books, and to pay his workmen; then Taschereau would join her there on +the morrow, and always found a good breakfast ready and his good wife +gay, and always brought the priest with him. The fact is, this +damnable priest crossed the Loire the night before in a small boat, in +order to keep the dyer's wife warm, and to calm her fancies, in order +that she might sleep well during the night, a duty which young men +understand very well. Then this fine curber of phantasies got back to +his house in the morning by the time Taschereau came to invite him to +spend the day at La Grenadiere, and the cuckold always found the +priest asleep in his bed. The boatman being well paid, no one knew +anything of these goings on, for the lover journeyed the night before +after night fall, and on the Sunday in the early morning. As soon as +Carandas had verified the arrangement and constant practice of these +gallant diversions, he determined to wait for a day when the lovers +would meet, hungry one for the other, after some accidental +abstinence. This meeting took place very soon, and the curious +hunchback saw the boatman waiting below the square, at the Canal St. +Antoine, for the young priest, who was handsome, blonde, slender, and +well-shaped, like the gallant and cowardly hero of love, so celebrated +by Monsieur Ariosto. Then the mechanician went to find the old dyer, +who always loved his wife and always believed himself the only man who +had a finger in her pie. + +"Ah!, good evening, old friend," said Carandas to Taschereau; and +Taschereau made him a bow. + +Then the mechanician relates to him all the secret festivals of love, +vomits words of peculiar import, and pricks the dyer on all sides. + +At length, seeing he was ready to kill both his wife and the priest, +Carandas said to him, "My good neighbour, I had brought back from +Flanders a poisoned sword, which will instantly kill anyone, if it +only make a scratch upon him. Now, directly you shall have merely +touched your wench and her paramour, they will die." + +"Let us go and fetch it," said the dyer. + +Then the two merchants went in great haste to the house of the +hunchback, to get the sword and rush off to the country. + +"But shall we find them in flagrante delicto?" asked Taschereau. + +"You will see," said the hunchback, jeering his friend. In fact, the +cuckold had not long to wait to behold the joy of the two lovers. + +The sweet wench and her well-beloved were busy trying to catch, in a +certain lake that you probably know, that little bird that sometimes +makes his nest there, and they were laughing and trying, and still +laughing. + +"Ah, my darling!" said she, clasping him, as though she wished to make +an outline of him on her chest, "I love thee so much I should like to +eat thee! Nay, more than that, to have you in my skin, so that you +might never quit me." + +"I should like it too," replied the priest, "but as you can't have me +altogether, you must try a little bit at a time." + +It was at this moment that the husband entered, he sword unsheathed +and flourished above him. The beautiful Tascherette, who knew her +lord's face well, saw what would be the fate of her well-beloved the +priest. But suddenly she sprang towards the good man, half naked, her +hair streaming over her, beautiful with shame, but more beautiful with +love, and cried to him, "Stay, unhappy man! Wouldst thou kill the +father of thy children?" + +Thereupon the good dyer staggered by the paternal majesty of +cuckoldom, and perhaps also by the fire of his wife's eyes, let the +sword fall upon the foot of the hunchback, who had followed him, and +thus killed him. + +This teaches us not to be spiteful. + + + +EPILOGUE + +Here endeth the first series of these Tales, a roguish sample of the +works of that merry Muse, born ages ago, in our fair land of Touraine, +the which Muse is a good wench, and knows by heart that fine saying of +her friend Verville, written in LE MOYEN DE PARVENIR: It is only +necessary to be bold to obtain favours. Alas! mad little one, get thee +to bed again, sleep; thou art panting from thy journey; perhaps thou +hast been further than the present time. Now dry thy fair naked feet, +stop thine ears, and return to love. If thou dreamest other poesy +interwoven with laughter to conclude these merry inventions, heed not +the foolish clamour and insults of those who, hearing the carol of a +joyous lark of other days, exclaim: Ah, the horrid bird! + +END OF THE FIRST TEN TALES. + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext Droll Stories, V. 1, by Honore de Balzac + diff --git a/old/1drll10.zip b/old/1drll10.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..53d980e --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1drll10.zip diff --git a/old/1drll10h.htm b/old/1drll10h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e5507aa --- /dev/null +++ b/old/1drll10h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6967 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Droll Stories [V. 1], by Honore de Balzac</title> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=iso-8859-1"> +<style type="text/css"> +<!-- +body {margin:10%; text-align:justify} +blockquote {font-size:14pt} +P {font-size:14pt} +--> +</style> +</head> +<body> + + +<h1>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Droll Stories [V. 1], by +Honore de Balzac</h1> + +<pre> +Copyright laws are changing all over the world. Be sure to check the +copyright laws for your country before downloading or redistributing +this or any other Project Gutenberg eBook. + +This header should be the first thing seen when viewing this Project +Gutenberg file. Please do not remove it. Do not change or edit the +header without written permission. + +Please read the "legal small print," and other information about the +eBook and Project Gutenberg at the bottom of this file. Included is +important information about your specific rights and restrictions in +how the file may be used. You can also find out about how to make a +donation to Project Gutenberg, and how to get involved. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**eBooks Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*****These eBooks Were Prepared By Thousands of Volunteers!***** + + +Title: Droll Stories [V. 1] + +Author: Honore de Balzac + +Release Date: October, 1999 [EBook #1925] +[Most recently updated: February 17, 2003] + +Edition: 10 + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, DROLL STORIES [V. 1] *** + + + + +</pre> + +Etext prepared by Ian Hodgson, hodgson_ian@msn.com and Dagny, +dagnyj@hotmail.com + +<p>DROLL STORIES</p> + +<p>COLLECTED FROM THE ABBEYS OF TOURAINE</p> + +<p>Volume I: THE FIRST TEN TALES</p> + +<p>by HONORE DE BALZAC</p> + +<p> </p> + +<p><i><b>CONTENTS</b></i></p> + +<p>TRANSLATOR'S PREFACE</p> + +<p>THE FIRST TEN TALES</p> + +<p>PROLOGUE</p> + +<p>THE FAIR IMPERIA</p> + +<p>THE VENIAL SIN</p> + +<blockquote> +<p>HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE</p> + +<p>HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S MODESTY</p> + +<p>THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN</p> + +<p>HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS PROCURED</p> + +<p>HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED TO GREAT +MOURNING</p> +</blockquote> + +<p>THE KING'S SWEETHEART THE</p> + +<p>DEVIL'S HEIR</p> + +<p>THE MERRIE JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE ELEVENTH</p> + +<p>THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE</p> + +<p>THE MAID OF THILOUSE</p> + +<p>THE BROTHER-IN-ARMS</p> + +<p>THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU</p> + +<p>THE REPROACH</p> + +<p>EPILOGUE</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h3 align="center">TRANSLATORS PREFACE</h3> + +<p>When, in March, 1832, the first volume of the now famous +Contes Drolatiques was published by Gosselin of Paris, Balzac, in +a short preface, written in the publisher's name, replied to +those attacks which he anticipated certain critics would make +upon his hardy experiment. He claimed for his book the protection +of all those to whom literature was dear, because it was a work +of art--and a work of art, in the highest sense of the word, it +undoubtedly is. Like Boccaccio, Rabelais, the Queen of Navarre, +Ariosto, and Verville, the great author of The Human Comedy has +painted an epoch. In the fresh and wonderful language of the +Merry Vicar Of Meudon, he has given us a marvellous picture of +French life and manners in the sixteenth century. The gallant +knights and merry dames of that eventful period of French history +stand out in bold relief upon his canvas. The background in these +life-like figures is, as it were, "sketched upon the spot." After +reading the Contes Drolatiques, one could almost find one's way +about the towns and villages of Touraine, unassisted by map or +guide. Not only is this book a work of art from its historical +information and topographical accuracy; its claims to that +distinction rest upon a broader foundation. Written in the +nineteenth century in imitation of the style of the sixteenth, it +is a triumph of literary archaeology. It is a model of that which +it professes to imitate; the production of a writer who, to +accomplish it, must have been at once historian, linguist, +philosopher, archaeologist, and anatomist, and each in no +ordinary degree. In France, his work has long been regarded as a +classic--as a faithful picture of the last days of the moyen age, +when kings and princesses, brave gentlemen and haughty ladies +laughed openly at stories and jokes which are considered +disgraceful by their more fastidious descendants. In England the +difficulties of the language employed, and the quaintness and +peculiarity of its style, have placed it beyond the reach of all +but those thoroughly acquainted with the French of the sixteenth +century. Taking into consideration the vast amount of historical +information enshrined in its pages, the archaeological value +which it must always possess for the student, and the dramatic +interest of its stories, the translator has thought that an +English edition of Balzac's chef-d'oeuvre would be acceptable to +many. It has, of course, been impossible to reproduce in all its +vigour and freshness the language of the original. Many of the +quips and cranks and puns have been lost in the process of +Anglicising. These unavoidable blemishes apart, the writer +ventures to hope that he has treated this great masterpiece in a +reverent spirit, touched it with no sacrilegious hand, but, on +the contrary, given as close a translation as the dissimilarities +of the two languages permit. With this idea, no attempt had been +made to polish or round many of the awkwardly constructed +sentences which are characteristic of this volume. Rough, and +occasionally obscure, they are far more in keeping with the +spirit of the original than the polished periods of modern +romance. Taking into consideration the many difficulties which he +has had to overcome, and which those best acquainted with the +French edition will best appreciate, the translator claims the +indulgence of the critical reader for any shortcomings he may +discover. The best plea that can be offered for such indulgence +is the fact that, although Les Contes Drolatiques was completed +and published in 1837, the present is the first English version +ever brought before the public.</p> + +<p>London, January, 1874</p> + +<p> </p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">FIRST TEN TALES</h2> + +<h3 align="center">PROLOGUE</h3> + +<p>This is a book of the highest flavour, full of right hearty +merriment, spiced to the palate of the illustrious and very +precious tosspots and drinkers, to whom our worthy compatriot, +Francois Rabelais, the eternal honour of Touraine, addressed +himself. Be it nevertheless understood, the author has no other +desire than to be a good Touranian, and joyfully to chronicle the +merry doings of the famous people of this sweet and productive +land, more fertile in cuckolds, dandies and witty wags than any +other, and which has furnished a good share of men of renown in +France, as witness the departed Courier of piquant memory; +Verville, author of Moyen de Parvenir, and others equally well +known, among whom we will specially mention the Sieur Descartes, +because he was a melancholy genius, and devoted himself more to +brown studies than to drinks and dainties, a man of whom all the +cooks and confectioners of Tours have a wise horror, whom they +despise, and will not hear spoken of, and say, "Where does he +live?" if his name is mentioned. Now this work is the production +of the joyous leisure of good old monks, of whom there are many +vestiges scattered about the country, at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr, +in the village of Sacche-les-Azay-le-Rideau, at Marmoustiers, +Veretz, Roche-Cobon, and the certain storehouses of good stories, +which storehouses are the upper stories of old canons and wise +dames, who remember the good old days when they could enjoy a +hearty laugh without looking to see if their hilarity disturbed +the sit of your ruffle, as do the young women of the present day, +who wish to take their pleasure gravely--a custom which suits our +Gay France as much as a water jug would the head of a queen. +Since laughter is a privilege granted to man alone, and he has +sufficient causes for tears within his reach, without adding to +them by books, I have considered it a thing most patriotic to +publish a drachm of merriment for these times, when weariness +falls like a fine rain, wetting us, soaking into us, and +dissolving those ancient customs which make the people to reap +public amusement from the Republic. But of those old +pantagruelists who allowed God and the king to conduct their own +affairs without putting of their finger in the pie oftener than +they could help, being content to look on and laugh, there are +very few left. They are dying out day by day in such manner that +I fear greatly to see these illustrious fragments of the ancient +breviary spat upon, staled upon, set at naught, dishonoured, and +blamed, the which I should be loath to see, since I have and bear +great respect for the refuse of our Gallic antiquities.</p> + +<p>Bear in mind also, ye wild critics, you scrapers-up of words, +harpies who mangle the intentions and inventions of everyone, +that as children only do we laugh, and as we travel onward +laughter sinks down and dies out, like the light of the oil-lit +lamp. This signifies, that to laugh you must be innocent, and +pure of a heart, lacking which qualities you purse your lips, +drop your jaws, and knit your brow, after the manner of men +hiding vices and impurities. Take, then, this work as you would +take a group of statue, certain features of which an artist could +omit, and he would be the biggest of all big fools if he puts +leaves upon them, seeing that these said works are not, any more +than is this book, intended for nunneries. Nevertheless, I have +taken care, much to my vexation, to weed from the manuscripts the +old words, which, in spite of their age, were still strong, and +which would have shocked the ears, astonished the eyes, reddened +the cheeks and sullied the lips of trousered maidens, and Madame +Virtue with three lovers; for certain things must be done to suit +the vices of the age, and a periphrase is much more agreeable +than the word. Indeed, we are old, and find long trifles, better +than the short follies of our youth, because at that time our +taste was better. Then spare me your slanders, and read this +rather at night than in the daytime and give it not to young +maidens, if there be any, because this book is inflammable. I +will now rid you of myself. But I fear nothing from this book, +since it is extracted from a high and splendid source, from which +all that has issued has had a great success, as is amply proved +by the royal orders of the Golden Fleece, of the Holy Ghost, of +the Garter, of the Bath, and by many notable things which have +been taken therefrom, under shelter of which I place myself.</p> + +<p>'Now make ye merry, my hearties, and gayly read with ease of +body and rest of reins, and may a cancer carry you if you disown +me after having read me.' These words are those of our good +Master Rabelais, before whom we must also stand, hat in hand, in +token of reverence and honour to him, prince of all wisdom, and +king of Comedy.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE FAIR IMPERIA</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The Archbishop of Bordeaux had added to his suite when going +to the Council at Constance quite a good-looking little priest of +Touraine whose ways and manner of speech was so charming that he +passed for a son of La Soldee and the Governor. The Archbishop of +Tours had willingly given him to his confrere for his journey to +that town, because it was usual for archbishops to make each +other presents, they well knowing how sharp are the itchings of +theological palms. Thus this young priest came to the Council and +was lodged in the establishment of his prelate, a man of good +morals and great science.</p> + +<p>Philippe de Mala, as he was called, resolved to behave well +and worthily to serve his protector, but he saw in this +mysterious Council many men leading a dissolute life and yet not +making less, nay-- gaining more indulgences, gold crowns and +benefices than all the other virtuous and well-behaved ones. Now +during one night--dangerous to his virtue--the devil whispered +into his ear that he should live more luxuriously, since every +one sucked the breasts of our Holy Mother Church and yet they +were not drained, a miracle which proved beyond doubt the +existence of God. And the priest of Touraine did not disappoint +the devil. He promised to feast himself, to eat his bellyful of +roast meats and other German delicacies, when he could do so +without paying for them as he was poor. As he remained quite +continent (in which he followed the example of the poor old +archbishop who sinned no longer because he was unable to, and +passed for a saint,) he had to suffer from intolerable desires +followed by fits of melancholy, since there were so many sweet +courtesans, well developed, but cold to the poor people, who +inhabited Constance, to enlighten the understanding of the +Fathers of the Council. He was savage that he did not know how to +make up to these gallant sirens, who snubbed cardinals, abbots, +councillors, legates, bishops, princes and margraves just as if +they have been penniless clerks. And in the evening, after +prayers, he would practice speaking to them, teaching himself the +breviary of love. He taught himself to answer all possible +questions, but on the morrow if by chance he met one of the +aforesaid princesses dressed out, seated in a litter and escorted +by her proud and well-armed pages, he remained open-mouthed, like +a dog in the act of catching flies, at the sight of sweet +countenance that so much inflamed him. The secretary of a +Monseigneur, a gentleman of Perigord, having clearly explained to +him that the Fathers, procureurs, and auditors of the Rota bought +by certain presents, not relics or indulgences, but jewels and +gold, the favour of being familiar with the best of these +pampered cats who lived under the protection of the lords of the +Council; the poor Touranian, all simpleton and innocent as he +was, treasured up under his mattress the money given him by the +good archbishop for writings and copying--hoping one day to have +enough just to see a cardinal's lady-love, and trusting to God +for the rest. He was hairless from top to toe and resembled a man +about as much as a goat with a night-dress on resembles a young +lady, but prompted by his desires he wandered in the evenings +through the streets of Constance, careless of his life, and, at +the risk of having his body halberded by the soldiers, he peeped +at the cardinals entering the houses of their sweethearts. Then +he saw the wax-candles lighted in the houses and suddenly the +doors and the windows closed. Then he heard the blessed abbots or +others jumping about, drinking, enjoying themselves, love-making, +singing Alleluia and applauding the music with which they were +being regaled. The kitchen performed miracles, the Offices said +were fine rich pots-full, the Matins sweet little hams, the +Vespers luscious mouthful, and the Lauhes delicate sweetmeats, +and after their little carouses, these brave priests were silent, +their pages diced upon the stairs, their mules stamped restively +in the streets; everything went well--but faith and religion was +there. That is how it came to pass the good man Huss was burned. +And the reason? He put his finger in the pie without being asked. +Then why was he a huguenot before the others?</p> + +<p>To return, however to our sweet little Philippe, not +unfrequently did he receive many a thump and hard blow, but the +devil sustained him, inciting him to believe that sooner or later +it would come to his turn to play the cardinal to some lovely +dame. This ardent desire gave him the boldness of a stag in +autumn, so much so that one evening he quietly tripped up the +steps and into one of the first houses in Constance where often +he had seen officers, seneschals, valets, and pages waiting with +torches for their masters, dukes, kings, cardinals and +archbishops.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said he, "she must be very beautiful and amiable, this +one."</p> + +<p>A soldier well armed allowed him to pass, believing him to +belong to the suite of the Elector of Bavaria, who had just left, +and that he was going to deliver a message on behalf of the +above-mentioned nobleman. Philippe de Mala mounted the stairs as +lightly as a greyhound in love, and was guided by delectable +odour of perfume to certain chamber where, surrounded by her +handmaidens, the lady of the house was divesting herself of her +attire. He stood quite dumbfounded like a thief surprised by +sergeants. The lady was without petticoat or head-dress. The +chambermaid and the servants, busy taking off her stockings and +undressing her, so quickly and dextrously had her stripped, that +the priest, overcome, gave vent to a long Ah! which had the +flavour of love about it.</p> + +<p>"What want you, little one?" said the lady to him.</p> + +<p>"To yield my soul to you," said he, flashing his eyes upon +her.</p> + +<p>"You can come again to-morrow," said she, in order to be rid +of him.</p> + +<p>To which Philippe replied, blushing, "I will not fail."</p> + +<p>Then she burst out laughing. Philippe, struck motionless, +stood quite at his ease, letting wander over her his eyes that +glowed and sparkled with the flame of love. What lovely thick +hair hung upon her ivory white back, showing sweet white places, +fair and shining between the many tresses! She had upon her +snow-white brow a ruby circlet, less fertile in rays of fire than +her black eyes, still moist with tears from her hearty laugh. She +even threw her slipper at a statue gilded like a shrine, twisting +herself about from very ribaldry and allowed her bare foot, +smaller than a swan's bill, to be seen. This evening she was in a +good humour, otherwise she would have had the little shaven-crop +put out by the window without more ado than her first bishop.</p> + +<p>"He has fine eyes, Madame," said one of her handmaids.</p> + +<p>"Where does he comes from?" asked another.</p> + +<p>"Poor child!" cried Madame, "his mother must be looking for +him. Show him his way home."</p> + +<p>The Touranian, still sensible, gave a movement of delight at +the sight of the brocaded bed where the sweet form was about to +repose. This glance, full of amorous intelligence, awoke the +lady's fantasy, who, half laughing and half smitten, repeated +"To-morrow," and dismissed him with a gesture which the Pope +Jehan himself would have obeyed, especially as he was like a +snail without a shell, since the Council had just deprived him of +the holy keys.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Madame, there is another vow of chastity changed into an +amorous desire," said one of her women; and the chuckles +commenced again thick as hail.</p> + +<p>Philippe went his way, bumping his head against a wall like a +hooded rook as he was. So giddy had he become at the sight of +this creature, even more enticing than a siren rising from the +water. He noticed the animals carved over the door and returned +to the house of the archbishop with his head full of diabolical +longings and his entrails sophisticated.</p> + +<p>Once in his little room he counted his coins all night long, +but could make no more than four of them; and as that was all his +treasure, he counted upon satisfying the fair one by giving her +all he had in the world.</p> + +<p>"What is it ails you?" said the good archbishop, uneasy at the +groans and "oh! oh's!" of his clerk.</p> + +<p>"Ah! my Lord," answered the poor priest, "I am wondering how +it is that so light and sweet a woman can weigh so heavily upon +my heart."</p> + +<p>"Which one?" said the archbishop, putting down his breviary +which he was reading for others--the good man.</p> + +<p>"Oh! Mother of God! You will scold me, I know, my good master, +my protector, because I have seen the lady of a cardinal at the +least, and I am weeping because I lack more than one crown to +enable me to convert her."</p> + +<p>The archbishop, knitting the circumflex accent that he had +above his nose, said not a word. Then the very humble priest +trembled in his skin to have confessed so much to his superior. +But the holy man directly said to him, "She must be very dear +then--"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said he, "she has swallowed many a mitre and stolen many +a cross."</p> + +<p>"Well, Philippe, if thou will renounce her, I will present +thee with thirty angels from the poor-box."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my lord, I should be losing too much," replied the lad, +emboldened by the treat he promised himself.</p> + +<p>"Ah! Philippe," said the good prelate, "thou wilt then go to +the devil and displease God, like all our cardinals," and the +master, with sorrow, began to pray St. Gatien, the patron saint +of Innocents, to save his servant. He made him kneel down beside +him, telling him to recommend himself also to St. Philippe, but +the wretched priest implored the saint beneath his breath to +prevent him from failing if on the morrow that the lady should +receive him kindly and mercifully; and the good archbishop, +observing the fervour of his servant, cried out him, "Courage +little one, and Heaven will exorcise thee."</p> + +<p>On the morrow, while Monsieur was declaiming at the Council +against the shameless behaviour of the apostles of Christianity, +Philippe de Mala spent his angels--acquired with so much +labour--in perfumes, baths, fomentations, and other fooleries. He +played the fop so well, one would have thought him the fancy +cavalier of a gay lady. He wandered about the town in order to +find the residence of his heart's queen; and when he asked the +passers-by to whom belonged the aforesaid house, they laughed in +his face, saying--</p> + +<p>"Whence comes this precious fellow that has not heard of La +Belle Imperia?"</p> + +<p>He was very much afraid he and his angels were gone to the +devil when he heard the name, and knew into what a nice mess he +had voluntarily fallen.</p> + +<p>Imperia was the most precious, the most fantastic girl in the +world, although she passed for the most dazzling and the +beautiful, and the one who best understood the art of bamboozling +cardinals and softening the hardiest soldiers and oppressors of +the people. She had brave captains, archers, and nobles, ready to +serve her at every turn. She had only to breathe a word, and the +business of anyone who had offended her was settled. A free fight +only brought a smile to her lips, and often the Sire de +Baudricourt--one of the King's Captains-- would ask her if there +were any one he could kill for her that day--a little joke at the +expense of the abbots. With the exception of the potentates among +the high clergy with whom Madame Imperia managed to accommodate +her little tempers, she ruled everyone with a high hand in virtue +of her pretty babble and enchanting ways, which enthralled the +most virtuous and the most unimpressionable. Thus she lived +beloved and respected, quite as much as the real ladies and +princesses, and was called Madame, concerning which the good +Emperor Sigismund replied to a lady who complained of it to him, +"That they, the good ladies, might keep to their own proper way +and holy virtues, and Madame Imperia to the sweet naughtiness of +the goddess Venus"--Christian words which shocked the good +ladies, to their credit be it said.</p> + +<p>Philippe, then thinking over it in his mind that which on the +preceding evening he had seen with his eyes, doubted if more did +not remain behind. Then was he sad, and without taking bite or +sup, strolled about the town waiting the appointed hour, although +he was well-favoured and gallant enough to find others less +difficult to overcome than was Madame Imperia.</p> + +<p>The night came; the little Touranian, exalted with pride +caparisoned with desire, and spurred by his "alacks" and "alases" +which nearly choked him, glided like an eel into the domicile of +the veritable Queen of the Council--for before her bowed humbly +all the authority, science, and wisdom of Christianity. The major +domo did not know him, and was going to bundle him out again, +when one of the chamber-women called him from the top of the +stairs--"Eh M. Imbert, it is Madame's young fellow," and poor +Philippe, blushing like a wedding night, ran up the stairs, +shaking with happiness and delight. The servant took him by the +hand and led into the chamber where sat Madame, lightly attired +like a brave woman who awaits her conqueror.</p> + +<p>The dazzling Imperia was seated near a table covered with a +shaggy cloth ornamented with gold, and with all the requisites +for a dainty carouse. Flagons of wine, various drinking glasses, +bottles of the hippocras, flasks full of good wine of Cyprus, +pretty boxes full of spices, roast peacocks, green sauces, little +salt hams--all that would gladden the eyes of the gallant if he +had not so madly loved Madame Imperia.</p> + +<p>She saw well that the eyes of the young priest were all for +her. Although accustomed to the curl-paper devotion of the +churchmen, she was well satisfied that she had made a conquest of +the young priest who all day long had been in her head.</p> + +<p>The windows had been closed; Madame was decked out in a manner +fit to do honours to a prince of the Empire. Then the rogue, +beatified by the holy beauty of Imperia, knew that Emperor, +burgraf, nay, even a cardinal about to be elected pope, would +willingly for that night have changed places with him, a little +priest who, beneath his gown, had only the devil and love.</p> + +<p>He put on a lordly air, and saluted her with a courtesy by no +means ungraceful; and then the sweet lady said to him, regaling +with a piercing glance--</p> + +<p>"Come and sit close to me, that I may see if you have altered +since yesterday."</p> + +<p>"Oh yes," said he.</p> + +<p>"And how?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Yesterday," replied the artful fellow, "I loved you; today, +we love each other, and from a poor sinner I have become richer +than a king."</p> + +<p>"Oh, little one, little one!" cried she, merrily; "yes, you +are indeed changed, for from a young priest I see well you have +turned into an old devil."</p> + +<p>And side by side they sat down before a large fire, which +helped to spread their ecstasy around. They remained always ready +to begin eating, seeing that they only thought of gazing into +each other's eyes, and never touched a dish. Just as they were +beginning to feel comfortable and at their ease, there came a +great noise at Madame's door, as if people were beating against +it, and crying out.</p> + +<p>"Madame," cried the little servant hastily, "here's another of +them."</p> + +<p>"Who is it?" cried she in a haughty manner, like a tyrant, +savage at being interrupted.</p> + +<p>"The Bishop of Coire wishes to speak with you."</p> + +<p>"May the devil take him!" said she, looking at Philippe +gently.</p> + +<p>"Madame he has seen the light through the chinks, and is +making a great noise."</p> + +<p>"Tell him I have the fever, and you will be telling him no +lie, for I am ill of this little priest who is torturing my +brain."</p> + +<p>But just as she had finished speaking, and was pressing with +devotion the hand of Philippe who trembled in his skin, appeared +the fat Bishop of Coire, indignant and angry. The officers +followed him, bearing a trout canonically dressed, fresh from the +Rhine, and shining in a golden platter, and spices contained in +little ornamental boxes, and a thousand dainties, such as +liqueurs and jams, made by the holy nuns at his Abbey.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah!" said he, with his deep voice, "I haven't time to go +to the devil, but you must give me a touch of him in advance, eh! +my little one."</p> + +<p>"Your belly will one day make a nice sheath for a sword," +replied she, knitting her brows above her eyes, which from being +soft and gentle had become mischievous enough to make one +tremble.</p> + +<p>"And this little chorus singer is here to offer that?" said +the bishop, insolently turning his great rubicund face towards +Philippe.</p> + +<p>"Monseigneur, I'm here to confess Madame."</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh, do you not know the canons? To confess the ladies at +this time of night is a right reserved to bishops, so take +yourself off; go and herd with simple monks, and never come back +here again under pain of excommunication."</p> + +<p>"Do not move," cried the blushing Imperia, more lovely with +passion than she was with love, because now she was possessed +both with passion and love. "Stop, my friend. Here you are in +your own house." Then he knew that he was really loved by +her.</p> + +<p>"It is it not in the breviary, and an evangelical regulation, +that you should be equal with God in the valley of Jehoshaphat?" +asked she of the bishop.</p> + +<p>"'Tis is an invention of the devil, who has adulterated the +holy book," replied the great numskull of a bishop in a hurry to +fall to.</p> + +<p>"Well then, be equal now before me, who am here below your +goddess," replied Imperia, "otherwise one of these days I will +have you delicately strangled between the head and shoulders; I +swear it by the power of my tonsure which is as good as the +pope's." And wishing that the trout should be added to the feast +as well as the sweets and other dainties, she added, cunningly, +"Sit you down and drink with us." But the artful minx, being up +to a trick or two, gave the little one a wink which told him +plainly not to mind the German, whom she would soon find a means +to be rid of.</p> + +<p>The servant-maid seated the Bishop at the table, and tucked +him up, while Philippe, wild with rage that closed his mouth, +because he saw his plans ending in smoke, gave the archbishop to +more devils than ever were monks alive. Thus they got halfway +through the repast, which the young priest had not yet touched, +hungering only for Imperia, near whom he was already seated, but +speaking that sweet language which the ladies so well understand, +that has neither stops, commas, accents, letters, figures, +characters, notes, nor images. The fat bishop, sensual and +careful enough of the sleek, ecclesiastical garment of skin for +which he was indebted to his late mother, allowed himself to be +plentifully served with hippocras by the delicate hand of Madame, +and it was just at his first hiccough that the sound of an +approaching cavalcade was heard in the street. The number of +horses, the "Ho, ho!" of the pages, showed plainly that some +great prince hot with love, was about to arrive. In fact, a +moment afterwards the Cardinal of Ragusa, against whom the +servants of Imperia had not dared to bar the door, entered the +room. At this terrible sight the poor courtesan and her young +lover became ashamed and embarrassed, like fresh cured lepers; +for it would be tempting the devil to try and oust the cardinal, +the more so as at that time it was not known who would be pope, +three aspirants having resigned their hoods for the benefit of +Christianity. The cardinal, who was a cunning Italian, long +bearded, a great sophist, and the life and soul of the Council, +guessed, by the feeblest exercise of the faculties of his +understanding, the alpha and omega of the adventure. He only had +to weigh in his mind one little thought before he knew how to +proceed in order to be able to hypothecate his manly vigour. He +arrived with the appetite of a hungry monk, and to obtain its +satisfaction he was just the man to stab two monks and sell his +bit of the true cross, which were wrong.</p> + +<p>"Hulloa! friend," said he to Philippe, calling him towards +him. The poor Tourainian, more dead than alive, and expecting the +devil was about to interfere seriously with his arrangements, +rose and said, "What is it?" to the redoubtable cardinal.</p> + +<p>He taking him by the arm led him to the staircase, looked him +in the white of the eye and said without any +nonsense--"Ventredieu! You are a nice little fellow, and I should +not like to have to let your master know the weight of your +carcass. My revenge might cause me certain pious expenses in my +old age, so choose to espouse an abbey for the remainder of your +days, or to marry Madame to-night and die tomorrow."</p> + +<p>The poor little Tourainian in despair murmured, "May I come +back when your passion is over?"</p> + +<p>The cardinal could scarcely keep his countenance, but he said +sternly, "Choose the gallows or a mitre."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the priest, maliciously; "a good fat abbey."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the cardinal went back into the room, opened an +escritoire, and scribbled upon a piece of parchment an order to +the envoy of France.</p> + +<p>"Monseigneur," said the Tourainian to him while he was +spelling out the order, "you will not get rid of the Bishop of +Coire so easily as you have got rid of me, for he has as many +abbeys as the soldiers have drinking shops in the town; besides, +he is in the favour of his lord. Now I fancy to show you my +gratitude for this so fine Abbey I owe you good piece of advice. +You know how fatal has been and how rapidly spread this terrible +pestilence which has cruelly harassed Paris. Tell him that you +have just left the bedside of your old friend the Archbishop of +Bordeaux; thus you will make him scutter away like straw before a +whirl-wind.</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh!" cried the cardinal, "thou meritest more than an +abbey. Ah, Ventredieu! my young friend, here are 100 golden +crowns for thy journey to the Abbey of Turpenay, which I won +yesterday at cards, and of which I make you a free gift."</p> + +<p>Hearing these words, and seeing Philippe de Mala disappear +without giving her the amorous glances she expected, the +beautiful Imperia, puffing like a dolphin, denounced all the +cowardice of the priest. She was not then a sufficiently good +Catholic to pardon her lover deceiving her, by not knowing how to +die for her pleasure. Thus the death of Philippe was foreshadowed +in the viper's glance she cast at him to insult him, which glance +pleased the cardinal much, for the wily Italian saw he would soon +get his abbey back again. The Touranian, heeding not the brewing +storm avoided it by walking out silently with his ears down, like +a wet dog being kicked out of a Church. Madame drew a sigh from +her heart. She must have had her own ideas of humanity for the +little value she held in it. The fire which possessed her had +mounted to her head, and scintillated in rays about her, and +there was good reason for it, for this was the first time that +she had been humbugged by priest. Then the cardinal smiled, +believing it was all to his advantage: was not he a cunning +fellow? Yes, he was the possessor of a red hat.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah! my friend," said he to the Bishop, "I congratulate +myself on being in your company, and I am glad to have been able +to get rid of that little wretch unworthy of Madame, the more so +as if you had gone near him, my lovely and amiable creature, you +would have perished miserably through the deed of a simple +priest."</p> + +<p>"Ah! How?"</p> + +<p>"He is the secretary of the Archbishop of Bordeaux. The good +man was seized this morning with the pestilence."</p> + +<p>The bishop opened his mouth wide enough to swallow a Dutch +cheese.</p> + +<p>"How do you know that?" asked he.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the cardinal, taking the good German's hand, "I +have just administered to him, and consoled him; at this moment +the holy man has a fair wind to waft him to paradise."</p> + +<p>The Bishop of Coire demonstrated immediately how light fat man +are; for when men are big-bellied, a merciful providence, in the +consideration of their works, often makes their internal tubes as +elastic as balloons. The aforesaid bishop sprang backwards with +one bound, burst into a perspiration and coughed like a cow who +finds feathers mixed with her hay. Then becoming suddenly pale, +he rushed down the stairs without even bidding Madame adieu. When +the door had closed upon the bishop, and he was fairly in the +street, the Cardinal of Ragusa began laughing fit to split his +sides.</p> + +<p>"Ah! my fair one, am I not worthy to be Pope, and better than +that, thy lover this evening?"</p> + +<p>But seeing Imperia thoughtful he approached her to take her in +his arms, and pet her after the usual fashion of cardinals, men +who embrace better than all others, even the soldiers, because +they are lazy, and do not spare their essential properties.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" said she, drawing back, "you wish to cause my death, you +ecclesiastical idiot. The principal thing for you is to enjoy +yourself; my sweet carcass, a thing accessory. Your pleasure will +be my death, and then you'll canonise me perhaps? Ah, you have +the plague, and you would give it to me. Go somewhere else, you +brainless priest. Ah! touch me not," said she, seeing him about +to advance, "or I will stab you with this dagger."</p> + +<p>And the clever hussy drew from her armoire a little dagger, +which she knew how to use with great skill when necessary.</p> + +<p>"But my little paradise, my sweet one," said the other, +laughing, "don't you see the trick? Wasn't it necessary to be get +rid of that old bullock of Coire?"</p> + +<p>"Well then, if you love me, show it" replied she. "I desire +that you leave me instantly. If you are touched with the disease +my death will not worry you. I know you well enough to know at +what price you will put a moment of pleasure at your last hour. +You would drown the earth. Ah, ah! you have boasted of it when +drunk. I love only myself, my treasures, and my health. Go, and +if tomorrow your veins are not frozen by the disease, you can +come again. Today, I hate you, good cardinal," said she, +smiling.</p> + +<p>"Imperia!" cried the cardinal on his knees, "my blessed +Imperia, do not play with me thus."</p> + +<p>"No," said she, "I never play with blessed and sacred +things."</p> + +<p>"Ah! ribald woman, I will excommunicate thee tomorrow."</p> + +<p>"And now you are out of your cardinal sense."</p> + +<p>"Imperia, cursed daughter of Satan! Oh, my little beauty--my +love--!"</p> + +<p>"Respect yourself more. Don't kneel to me, fie for shame!"</p> + +<p>"Wilt thou have a dispensation in articulo mortis? Wilt thou +have my fortune--or better still, a bit of the veritable true +Cross?--Wilt thou?"</p> + +<p>"This evening, all the wealth of heaven above and earth +beneath would not buy my heart," said she, laughing. "I should be +the blackest of sinners, unworthy to receive the Blessed +Sacrament if I had not my little caprices."</p> + +<p>"I'll burn the house down. Sorceress, you have bewitched me. +You shall perish at the stake. Listen to me, my love,--my gentle +Dove--I promise you the best place in heaven. Eh? No. Death to +you then--death to the sorceress."</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh! I will kill you, Monseigneur."</p> + +<p>And the cardinal foamed with rage.</p> + +<p>"You are making a fool of yourself," said she. "Go away, +you'll tire yourself."</p> + +<p>"I shall be pope, and you shall pay for this!"</p> + +<p>"Then you are no longer disposed to obey me?"</p> + +<p>"What can I do this evening to please you?"</p> + +<p>"Get out."</p> + +<p>And she sprang lightly like a wagtail into her room, and +locked herself in, leaving the cardinal to storm that he was +obliged to go. When the fair Imperia found herself alone, seated +before the fire, and without her little priest, she exclaimed, +snapping angrily the gold links of her chain, "By the double +triple horn on the devil, if the little one has made me have this +row with the Cardinal, and exposed me to the danger of being +poisoned tomorrow, unless I pay him over to my heart's content, I +will not die till I have seen him burned alive before my eyes. +Ah!" said she, weeping, this time real tears, "I lead a most +unhappy life, and the little pleasure I have costs me the life of +a dog, let alone my salvation."</p> + +<p>As she finished this jeremiad, wailing like a calf that is +being slaughtered, she beheld the blushing face of the young +priest, who had hidden himself, peeping at her from behind her +large Venetian mirror.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "Thou art the most perfect monk that ever +dwelt in this blessed and amorous town of Constance. Ah, ah! Come +my gentle cavalier, my dear boy, my little charm, my paradise of +delectation, let me drink thine eyes, eat thee, kill thee with my +love. Oh! my ever-flourishing, ever-green, sempiternal god; from +a little monk I would make a king, emperor, pope, and happier +than either. There, thou canst put anything to fire and sword, I +am thine, and thou shalt see it well; for thou shalt be all a +cardinal, even when to redden thy hood I shed all my heart's +blood." And with her trembling hands all joyously she filled with +Greek wine the golden cup, brought by the Bishop of Coire, and +presented it to her sweetheart, whom she served upon her knee, +she whose slipper princes found more to their taste than that of +the pope.</p> + +<p>But he gazed at her in silence, with his eye so lustrous with +love, that she said to him, trembling with joy " Ah! be quiet, +little one. Let us have supper."</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE VENIAL SIN</h2> + +<h3 align="center">HOW THE GOOD MAN BRUYN TOOK A WIFE.</h3> + +<p> </p> + +<p>Messire Bruyn, he who completed the Castle of +Roche-Corbon-les- Vouvray, on the banks of the Loire, was a +boisterous fellow in his youth. When quite little, he squeezed +young ladies, turned the house out of windows, and played the +devil with everything, when he was called upon to put his Sire +the Baron of Roche-Corbon some few feet under the turf. Then he +was his own master, free to lead a life of wild dissipation, and +indeed he worked very hard to get a surfeit of enjoyment. Now by +making his crowns sweat and his goods scarce, draining his land, +and a bleeding his hogsheads, and regaling frail beauties, he +found himself excommunicated from decent society, and had for his +friends only the plunderers of towns and the Lombardians. But the +usurers turned rough and bitter as chestnut husks, when he had no +other security to give them than his said estate of Roche-Corbon, +since the Rupes Carbonis was held from our Lord the king. Then +Bruyn found himself just in the humour to give a blow here and +there, to break a collar-bone or two, and quarrel with everyone +about trifles. Seeing which, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, his +neighbour, and a man liberal with his advice, told him that it +was an evident sign of lordly perfection, that he was walking in +the right road, but if he would go and slaughter, to the great +glory of God, the Mahommedans who defiled the Holy Land, it would +be better still, and that he would undoubtedly return full of +wealth and indulgences into Touraine, or into Paradise, whence +all barons formerly came.</p> + +<p>The said Bruyn, admiring the great sense of the prelate, left +the country equipped by the monastery, and blessed by the abbot, +to the great delight of his friends and neighbours. Then he put +to the sack enough many towns of Asia and Africa, and fell upon +the infidels without giving them warning, burning the Saracens, +the Greeks, the English, and others, caring little whether they +were friends or enemies, or where they came from, since among his +merits he had that of being in no way curious, and he never +questioned them until after he had killed them. At this business, +agreeable to God, to the King and to himself, Bruyn gained renown +as a good Christian and loyal knight, and enjoyed himself +thoroughly in these lands beyond the seas, since he more +willingly gave a crown to the girls than to the poor, although he +met many more poor people than perfect maids; but like a good +Touranian he made soup of anything. At length, when he was +satiated with the Turks, relics, and other blessings of the Holy +Land, Bruyn, to the great astonishment of the people of +Vouvrillons, returned from the Crusades laden with crowns and +precious stones; rather differently from some who, rich when they +set out, came back heavy with leprosy, but light with gold. On +his return from Tunis, our Lord, King Philippe, made him a Count, +and appointed him his seneschal in our country and that of +Poitou. There he was greatly beloved and properly thought well +of, since over and above his good qualities he founded the Church +of the Carmes-Deschaulx, in the parish of Egrignolles, as the +peace-offering to Heaven for the follies of his youth. Thus was +he cardinally consigned to the good graces of the Church and of +God. From a wicked youth and reckless man, he became a good, wise +man, and discreet in his dissipations and pleasures; rarely was +in anger, unless someone blasphemed God before him, the which he +would not tolerate because he had blasphemed enough for every one +in his wild youth. In short, he never quarrelled, because, being +seneschal, people gave up to him instantly. It is true that he at +that time beheld all his desires accomplished, the which would +render even an imp of Satan calm and tranquil from his horns to +his heels. And besides this he possessed a castle all jagged at +the corners, and shaped and pointed like a Spanish doublet, +situated upon a bank from which it was reflected in the Loire. In +the rooms were royal tapestries, furniture, Saracen pomps, +vanities, and inventions which were much admired by people of +Tours, and even by the archbishop and clerks of St. Martin, to +whom he sent as a free gift a banner fringed with fine gold. In +the neighbourhood of the said castle abounded fair domains, +wind-mills, and forests, yielding a harvest of rents of all +kinds, so that he was one of the strongest knights-banneret of +the province, and could easily have led to battle for our lord +the king a thousand men. In his old days, if by chance his +bailiff, a diligent man at hanging, brought before him a poor +peasant suspected of some offence, he would say, smiling--</p> + +<p>"Let this one go, Brediff, he will count against those I +inconsiderately slaughtered across the seas"; oftentimes, +however, he would let them bravely hang on a chestnut tree or +swing on his gallows, but this was solely that justice might be +done, and that the custom should not lapse in his domain. Thus +the people on his lands were good and orderly, like fresh veiled +nuns, and peaceful since he protected them from the robbers and +vagabonds whom he never spared, knowing by experience how much +mischief is caused by these cursed beasts of prey. For the rest, +most devout, finishing everything quickly, his prayers as well as +good wine, he managed the processes after the Turkish fashion, +having a thousand little jokes ready for the losers, and dining +with them to console them. He had all the people who had been +hanged buried in consecrated ground like godly ones, some people +thinking they had been sufficiently punished by having their +breath stopped. He only persecuted the Jews now and then, and +when they were glutted with usury and wealth. He let them gather +their spoil as the bees do honey, saying that they were the best +of tax-gatherers. And never did he despoil them save for the +profit and use of the churchmen, the king, the province, or +himself.</p> + +<p>This jovial way gained for him the affection and esteem of +every one, great and small. If he came back smiling from his +judicial throne, the Abbot of Marmoustiers, an old man like +himself, would say, "Ho, ha! messire, there is some hanging on +since you laugh thus!" And when coming from Roche-Corbon to Tours +he passed on horseback along the Fauborg St. Symphorien, the +little girls would say, "Ah! this is the justice day, there is +the good man Bruyn," and without being afraid they would look at +him astride on a big white hack, that he had brought back with +him from the Levant. On the bridge the little boys would stop +playing with the ball, and would call out, "Good day, Mr. +Seneschal" and he would reply, jokingly, "Enjoy yourselves, my +children, until you get whipped." "Yes, Mr. Seneschal."</p> + +<p>Also he made the country so contented and so free from robbers +that during the year of the great over-flowing of the Loire there +were only twenty-two malefactors hanged that winter, not counting +a Jew burned in the Commune of Chateau-Neuf for having stolen a +consecrated wafer, or bought it, some said, for he was very +rich.</p> + +<p>One day, in the following year about harvest time, or mowing +time, as we say in Touraine, there came Egyptians, Bohemians, and +other wandering troupes who stole the holy things from the Church +of St. Martin, and in the place and exact situation of Madam the +Virgin, left by way of insult and mockery to our Holy Faith, an +abandoned pretty little girl, about the age of an old dog, stark +naked, an acrobat, and of Moorish descent like themselves. For +this almost nameless crime it was equally decided by the king, +people, and the churchmen that the Mooress, to pay for all, +should be burned and cooked alive in the square near the fountain +where the herb market is. Then the good man Bruyn clearly and +dextrously demonstrated to the others that it would be a thing +most profitable and pleasant to God to gain over this African +soul to the true religion, and if the devil were lodged in this +feminine body the faggots would be useless to burn him, as said +the said order. To which the archbishop sagely thought most +canonical and conformable to Christian charity and the gospel. +The ladies of the town and other persons of authority said loudly +that they were cheated of a fine ceremony, since the Mooress was +crying her eyes out in the jail and would certainly be converted +to God in order to live as long as a crow, if she were allowed to +do so, to which the seneschal replied that if the foreigner would +wholly commit herself to the Christian religion there would be a +gallant ceremony of another kind, and that he would undertake +that it should be royally magnificent, because he would be her +sponsor at the baptismal font, and that a virgin should be his +partner in the affair in order the better to please the Almighty, +while himself was reputed never to have lost the bloom or +innocence, in fact to be a coquebin. In our country of Touraine +thus are called the young virgin men, unmarried or so esteemed to +distinguish them from the husbands and the widowers, but the +girls always pick them without the name, because they are more +light-hearted and merry than those seasoned in marriage.</p> + +<p>The young Mooress did not hesitate between the flaming faggots +and the baptismal water. She much preferred to be a Christian and +live than be Egyptian and be burned; thus to escape a moment's +baking, her heart would burn unquenched through all her life, +since for the greater surety of her religion she was placed in +the convent of nuns near Chardonneret, where she took the vow of +sanctity. The said ceremony was concluded at the residence of the +archbishop, where on this occasion, in honour of the Saviour or +men, the lords and ladies of Touraine hopped, skipped and danced, +for in this country the people dance, skip, eat, flirt, have more +feasts and make merrier than any in the whole world. The good old +seneschal had taken for his associate the daughter of the lord of +Azay-le-Ridel, which afterwards became Azay-le-Brusle, the which +lord being a Crusader was left before Acre, a far distant town, +in the hands of a Saracen who demanded a royal ransom for him +because the said lord was of high position.</p> + +<p>The lady of Azay having given his estate as security to the +Lombards and extortioners in order to raise the sum, remained, +without a penny in the the world, awaiting her lord in a poor +lodging in the town, without a carpet to sit upon, but proud as +the Queen of Sheba and brave as a mastiff who defends the +property of his master. Seeing this great distress the seneschal +went delicately to request this lady's daughter to be the +godmother of the said Egyptian, in order that he might have the +right of assisting the Lady of Azay. And, in fact, he kept a +heavy chain of gold which he had preserved since the commencement +of the taking of Cyprus, and the which he determined to clasp +about the neck of his pretty associate, but he hung there at the +same time his domain, and his white hairs, his money and his +horses; in short, he placed there everything he possessed, +directly he had seen Blanche of Azay dancing a pavan among the +ladies of Tours. Although the Moorish girl, making the most of +her last day, had astonished the assembly by her twists, jumps, +steps, springs, and elevations and artistic efforts, Blanche had +the advantage of her, as everyone agreed, so virginally and +delicately did she dance.</p> + +<p>Now Bruyn, admiring this gentle maiden whose toes seemed to +fear the boards, and who amused herself so innocently for her +seventeen years-- like a grasshopper trying her first note--was +seized with an old man's desire; a desire apoplectic and vigorous +from weakness, which heated him from the sole of foot to the nape +of his neck--for his head had too much snow on the top of it to +let love lodge there. Then the good man perceived that he needed +a wife in his manor, and it appeared more lonely to him than it +was. And what then was a castle without a chatelaine? As well +have a clapper without its bell. In short, a wife was the only +thing that he had to desire, so he wished to have one promptly, +seeing that if the Lady of Azay made him wait, he had just time +to pass out of this world into the other. But during the +baptismal entertainment, he thought little of his severe wounds, +and still less of the eighty years that had stripped his head; he +found his eyes clear enough to see distinctly his young +companion, who, following the injunctions of the Lady of Azay, +regaled him well with glance and gesture, believing there could +be no danger near so old a fellow, in such wise that +Blanche--naive and nice as she was in contradistinction to the +girls of Touraine, who are as wide-awake as a spring +morning--permitted the good man first to kiss her hand, and +afterwards her neck, rather low-down; at least so said the +archbishop who married them the week after; and that was a +beautiful bridal, and a still more beautiful bride.</p> + +<p>The said Blanche was slender and graceful as no other girl, +and still better than that, more maidenly than ever maiden was; a +maiden all ignorant of love, who knew not why or what it was; a +maiden who wondered why certain people lingered in their beds; a +maiden who believed that children were found in parsley beds. Her +mother had thus reared her in innocence, without even allowing +her to consider, trifle as it was, how she sucked in her soup +between her teeth. Thus she was a sweet flower, and intact, +joyous and innocent; an angel, who needed but the wings to fly +away to Paradise. When she left the poor lodging of her weeping +mother to consummate her betrothal at the cathedral of St. Gatien +and St. Maurice, the country people came to a feast their eyes +upon the bride, and on the carpets which were laid down all along +the the Rue de la Scellerie, and all said that never had tinier +feet pressed the ground of Touraine, prettier eyes gazed up to +heaven, or a more splendid festival adorned the streets with +carpets and with flowers. The young girls of St. Martin and of +the boroughs of Chateau- Neuf, all envied the long brown tresses +with which doubtless Blanche had fished for a count, but much +more did they desire the gold embroidered dress, the foreign +stones, the white diamonds, and the chains with which the little +darling played, and which bound her for ever to the said +seneschal. The old soldier was so merry by her side, that his +happiness showed itself in his wrinkles, his looks, and his +movements. Although he was hardly as straight as a billhook, he +held himself so by the side of Blanche, that one would have taken +him for a soldier on parade receiving his officer, and he placed +his hand on his diaphragm like a man whose pleasure stifles and +troubles him. Delighted with the sound of the swinging bells, the +procession, the pomps, and the vanities of the said marriage, +which was talked of long after the episcopal rejoicings, the +women desired a harvest of Moorish girls, a deluge of old +seneschals, and baskets full of Egyptian baptisms. But this was +the only one that ever happened in Touraine, seeing that the +country is far from Egypt and from Bohemia. The Lady of Azay +received a large sum of money after the ceremony, which enabled +her to start immediately for Acre to go to her spouse, +accompanied by the lieutenant and soldiers of the Count of Roche- +Corbon, who furnished them with everything necessary. She set out +on the day of the wedding, after having placed her daughter in +the hands of the seneschal, enjoining him to treat her well; and +later on she returned with the Sire d'Azay, who was leprous, and +she cured him, tending him herself, running the risk of being +contaminated, the which was greatly admired.</p> + +<p>The marriage ceremony finished and at an end--for it lasted +three days, to the great contentment of the people--Messire Bruyn +with great pomp led the little one to his castle, and, according +to the custom of husbands, had her put solemnly to bed in his +couch, which was blessed by the Abbot of Marmoustiers; then came +and placed himself beside her in the great feudal chamber of +Roche-Corbon, which had been hung with green blockade and ribbon +of golden wire. When old Bruyn, perfumed all over, found himself +side by side with his pretty wife, he kissed her first upon the +forehead, and then upon the little round, white breast, on the +same spot where she had allowed him to clasp the fastenings of +the chain, but that was all. The old fellow had too great +confidence in himself in fancying himself able to accomplish +more; so then he abstained from love in spite of the merry +nuptial songs, the epithalamiums and jokes which were going on in +the rooms beneath where the dancing was still kept up. He +refreshed himself with a drink of the marriage beverage, which +according to custom, had been blessed and placed near them in a +golden cup. The spices warned his stomach well enough, but not +the heart of his dead ardour. Blanche was not at all astonished +at the demeanour of her spouse, because she was a virgin in mind, +and in marriage she saw only that which is visible to the eyes of +young girls--namely dresses, banquets, horses, to be a lady and +mistress, to have a country seat, to amuse oneself and give +orders; so, like the child that she was, she played with the gold +tassels on the bed, and marvelled at the richness of the shrine +in which her innocence should be interred. Feeling, a little +later in the day, his culpability, and relying on the future, +which, however, would spoil a little every day that with which he +pretended to regale his wife, the seneschal tried to substitute +the word for the deed. So he entertained his wife in various +ways, promised her the keys of his sideboards, his granaries and +chests, the perfect government of his houses and domains without +any control, hanging round her neck "the other half of the loaf," +which is the popular saying in Touraine. She became like a young +charger full of hay, found her good man the most gallant fellow +in the world, and raising herself upon her pillow began to smile, +and beheld with greater joy this beautiful green brocaded bed, +where henceforward she would be permitted, without any sin, to +sleep every night. Seeing she was getting playful, the cunning +lord, who had not been used to maidens, but knew from experience +the little tricks that women will practice, seeing that he had +much associated with ladies of the town, feared those handy +tricks, little kisses, and minor amusements of love which +formerly he did not object to, but which at the present time +would have found him cold as the obit of a pope. Then he drew +back towards the end of the bed, afraid of his happiness, and +said to his too delectable spouse, "Well, darling, you are a +seneschal's wife now, and very well seneschaled as well."</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" said she.</p> + +<p>"How no!" replied he in great fear; "are you not a wife?"</p> + +<p>"No!" said she. "Nor shall I be till I have had a child."</p> + +<p>"Did you while coming here see the meadows?" began again the +old fellow.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said she.</p> + +<p>"Well, they are yours."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" replied she laughing, "I shall amuse myself much +there catching butterflies."</p> + +<p>"That's a good girl," says her lord. "And the woods?"</p> + +<p>"Ah! I should not like to be there alone, you will take me +there. But," said she, "give me a little of that liquor which La +Ponneuse has taken such pains to prepare for us."</p> + +<p>"And why, my darling? It would put fire in your body."</p> + +<p>"Oh! That's what I should like," said she, biting her lip with +vexation, "because I desire to give you a child as soon as +possible; and I'm sure that liquor is good for the purpose."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my little one," said the seneschal, knowing by this that +Blanche was a virgin from head to foot, "the goodwill of God is +necessary for this business, and women must be in a state of +harvest."</p> + +<p>"And when should I be in a state of harvest?" asked she, +smiling.</p> + +<p>"When nature so wills it," said he, trying to laugh.</p> + +<p>"What is it necessary to do for this?" replied she.</p> + +<p>"Ah! A cabalistical and alchemical operation which is very +dangerous."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, with a dreamy look, "that's the reason why my +mother cried when thinking of the said metamorphosis; but Bertha +de Breuilly, who is so thankful for being made a wife, told me it +was the easiest thing in the world."</p> + +<p>"That's according to the age," replied the old lord. "But did +you see at the stable the beautiful white mare so much spoken of +in Touraine?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, she is very gentle and nice."</p> + +<p>"Well, I give her to you, and you can ride her as often as the +fancy takes you."</p> + +<p>"Oh, you are very kind, and they did not lie when they told me +so."</p> + +<p>"Here," continued he, "sweetheart; the butler, the chaplain, +the treasurer, the equerry, the farrier, the bailiff, even the +Sire de Montsoreau, the young varlet whose name is Gauttier and +bears my banner, with his men at arms, captains, followers, and +beasts--all are yours, and will instantly obey your orders under +pain of being incommoded with a hempen collar."</p> + +<p>"But," replied she, "this mysterious operation--cannot it be +performed immediately?"</p> + +<p>"Oh no!" replied the seneschal. "Because it is necessary above +all things that both the one and the other of us should be in a +state of grace before God; otherwise we should have a bad child, +full of sin; which is forbidden by the canons of the church. This +is the reason that there are so many incorrigible scapegraces in +the world. Their parents have not wisely waited to have their +souls pure, and have given wicked souls to their children. The +beautiful and the virtuous come of immaculate fathers; that is +why we cause our beds to be blessed, as the Abbot of Marmoustiers +has done this one. Have you not transgressed the ordinances of +the Church?"</p> + +<p>"Oh no," said she, quickly, "I received before Mass absolution +for all my faults and have remained since without committing the +slightest sin."</p> + +<p>"You are very perfect," said the cunning lord, "and I am +delighted to have you for a wife; but I have sworn like an +infidel."</p> + +<p>"Oh! and why?"</p> + +<p>"Because the dancing did not finish, and I could not have you +to myself to bring you here and kiss you."</p> + +<p>Thereupon he gallantly took her hands and covered them with +kisses, whispering to her little endearments and superficial +words of affection which made her quite pleased and +contented.</p> + +<p>Then, fatigued with the dance and all the ceremonies, she +settled down to her slumbers, saying to the seneschal--</p> + +<p>"I will take care tomorrow that you shall not sin," and she +left the old man quite smitten with her white beauty, amorous of +her delicate nature, and as embarrassed to know how he should be +able to keep her in her innocence as to explain why oxen chew +their food twice over. Although he did not augur to himself any +good therefrom, it inflamed him so much to see the exquisite +perfections of Blanche during her innocent and gentle sleep, that +he resolved to preserve and defend this pretty jewel of love. +With tears in his eyes he kissed her sweet golden tresses, the +beautiful eyelids, and her ripe red mouth, and he did it softly +for fear of waking her. There was all his fruition, the dumb +delight which still inflamed his heart without in the least +affecting Blanche. Then he deplored the snows of his leafless old +age, the poor old man, that he saw clearly that God had amused +himself by giving him nuts when his teeth were gone.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">HOW THE SENESCHAL STRUGGLED WITH HIS WIFE'S +MODESTY.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>During the first days of his marriage the seneschal imprinted +many fibs to tell his wife, whose so estimable innocence he +abused. Firstly, he found in his judicial functions good excuses +for leaving her at times alone; then he occupied himself with the +peasants of the neighbourhood, and took them to dress the vines +on his lands at Vouvray, and at length pampered her up with a +thousand absurd tales.</p> + +<p>At one time he would say that lords did not behave like common +people, that the children were only planted at certain celestial +conjunctions ascertained by learned astrologers; at another that +one should abstain from begetting children on feast days, because +it was a great undertaking; and he observed the feasts like a man +who wished to enter into Paradise without consent. Sometimes he +would pretend that if by chance the parents were not in a state +of grace, the children commenced on the date of St. Claire would +be blind, of St. Gatien had the gout, of St. Agnes were +scaldheaded, of St. Roch had the plague; sometimes that those +begotten in February were chilly; in March, too turbulent; in +April, were worth nothing at all; and that handsome boys were +conceived in May. In short, he wished his child to be perfect, to +have his hair of two colours; and for this it was necessary that +all the required conditions should be observed. At other times he +would say to Blanche that the right of a man was to bestow a +child upon his wife according to his sole and unique will, and +that if she pretended to be a virtuous woman she should conform +to the wishes of her husband; in fact it was necessary to await +the return of the Lady of Azay in order that she should assist at +the confinement; from all of which Blanche concluded that the +seneschal was annoyed by her requests, and was perhaps right, +since he was old and full of experience; so she submitted herself +and thought no more, except to herself, of this so much-desired +child, that is to say, she was always thinking of it, like a +woman who has a desire in her head, without suspecting that she +was behaving like a gay lady or a town-walker running after her +enjoyment. One evening, by accident, Bruyn spoke of children, a +discourse that he avoided as cats avoid water, but he was +complaining of a boy condemned by him that morning for great +misdeeds, saying for certain he was the offspring of people laden +with mortal sins.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said Blanche, "if you will give me one, although you +have not got absolution, I will correct so well that you will be +pleased with him."</p> + +<p>Then the count saw that his wife was bitten by a warm desire, +and that it was time to dissipate her innocence in order to make +himself master of it, to conquer it, to beat it, or to appease +and extinguish it.</p> + +<p>"What, my dear, you wish to be a mother?" said he; "you do not +yet know the business of a wife, you are not accustomed to being +mistress of the house."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" said she, "to be a perfect countess, and have in my +loins a little count, must I play the great lady? I will do it, +and thoroughly."</p> + +<p>Then Blanche, in order to obtain issue, began to hunt the +fawns and stags, leaping the ditches, galloping upon her mare +over valleys and mountain, through the woods and the fields, +taking great delight in watching the falcons fly, in unhooding +them and while hunting always carried them gracefully upon her +little wrist, which was what the seneschal had desired. But in +this pursuit, Blanche gained an appetite of nun and prelate, that +is to say, wished to procreate, had her desires whetted, and +could scarcely restrain her hunger, when on her return she gave +play to her teeth. Now by reason of reading the legends written +by the way, and of separating by death the embraces of birds and +wild beasts, she discovered a mystery of natural alchemy, while +colouring her complexion, and superagitating her feeble +imagination, which did little to pacify her warlike nature, and +strongly tickled her desire which laughed, played, and frisked +unmistakably. The seneschal thought to disarm the rebellious +virtue of his wife by making her scour the country; but his fraud +turned out badly, for the unknown lust that circulated in the +veins of Blanche emerged from these assaults more hardy than +before, inviting jousts and tourneys as the herald the armed +knight.</p> + +<p>The good lord saw then that he had grossly erred and that he +was now upon the horns of a dilemma; also he no longer knew what +course to adopt; the longer he left it the more it would resist. +From this combat, there must result one conquered and one +contused--a diabolical contusion which he wished to keep distant +from his physiognomy by God's help until after his death. The +poor seneschal had already great trouble to follow his lady to +the chase, without being dismounted; he sweated under the weight +of his trappings, and almost expired in that pursuit wherein his +frisky wife cheered her life and took great pleasure. Many times +in the evening she wished to dance. Now the good man, swathed in +his heavy clothing, found himself quite worn out with these +exercises, in which he was constrained to participate either in +giving her his hand, when she performed the vaults of the Moorish +girl, or in holding the lighted fagot for her, when she had a +fancy to do the torchlight dance; and in spite of his sciaticas, +accretions, and rheumatisms, he was obliged to smile and say to +her some gentle words and gallantries after all the evolutions, +mummeries, and comic pantomimes, which she indulged in to divert +herself; for he loved her so madly that if she had asked him for +an impossibility he would have sought one for her +immediately.</p> + +<p>Nevertheless, one fine day he recognised the fact that his +frame was in a state of too great debility to struggle with the +vigorous nature of his wife, and humiliating himself before his +wife's virtue he resolved to let things take their course, +relying a little upon the modesty, religion, and bashfulness of +Blanche, but he always slept with one eye open, for he suspected +that God had perhaps made virginities to be taken like +partridges, to be spitted and roasted. One wet morning, when the +weather was that in which the snails make their tracks, a +melancholy time, and suitable to reverie, Blanche was in the +house sitting in her chair in deep thought, because nothing +produces more lively concoctions of the substantive essences, and +no receipt, specific or philter is more penetrating, +transpiercing or doubly transpiercing and titillating than the +subtle warmth which simmers between the nap of the chair and a +maiden sitting during certain weather.</p> + +<p>Now without knowing it the Countess was incommoded by her +innocence, which gave more trouble than it was worth to her +brain, and gnawed her all over. Then the good man, seriously +grieved to see her languishing, wished to drive away the thoughts +which were ultra-conjugal principles of love.</p> + +<p>"Whence comes your sadness, sweetheart?" said he.</p> + +<p>"From shame."</p> + +<p>"What then affronts you?"</p> + +<p>"The not being a good woman; because I am without a child, and +you without lineage! Is one a lady without progeny? Nay! Look! . +. . All my neighbours have it, and I was married to have it, as +you to give it to me; the nobles of Touraine are all amply +furnished with children, and their wives give them lapfuls, you +alone have none, they laugh at you there. What will become of +your name and your fiefs and your seigniories? A child is our +natural company; it is a delight to us to make a fright of it, to +fondle it, to swaddle it, to dress and undress it, to cuddle it, +to sing it lullabies, to cradle it, to get it up, to put it to +bed, and to nourish it, and I feel that if I had only the half of +one, I would kiss it, swaddle it, and unharness it, and I would +make it jump and crow all day long, as the other ladies do."</p> + +<p>"Were it not that in giving them birth women die, and that for +this you are still too delicate and too close in the bud, you +would already be a mother," replied the seneschal, made giddy +with the flow of words. "But will you buy one ready-made?--that +will cost you neither pain nor labour."</p> + +<p>"But," said she, "I want the pain and labour, without which it +will not be ours. I know very well it should be the fruit of my +body, because at church they say that Jesus was the fruit of the +Virgin's womb."</p> + +<p>"Very well, then pray God that it may be so," cried the +seneschal, "and intercede with the Virgin of Egrignolles. Many a +lady has conceived after the neuvaine; you must not fail to do +one."</p> + +<p>Then the same day Blanche set out towards Notre-Dame de +l'Egrignolles, decked out like a queen riding her beautiful mare, +having on her a robe of green velvet, laced down with fine gold +lace, open at the breast, having sleeves of scarlet, little shoes +and a high hat ornamented with precious stones, and a gold +waistband that showed off her little waist, as slim as a pole. +She wished to give her dress to Madame the Virgin, and in fact +promised it to her, for the day of her churching. The Sire de +Montsoreau galloped before her, his eye bright as that of a hawk, +keeping the people back and guarding with his knights the +security of the journey. Near Marmoustiers the seneschal, +rendered sleepy by the heat, seeing it was the month of August, +waggled about in his saddle, like a diadem upon the head of a +cow, and seeing so frolicsome and so pretty a lady by the side of +so old a fellow, a peasant girl, who was squatting near the trunk +of a tree and drinking water out of her stone jug inquired of a +toothless old hag, who picked up a trifle by gleaning, if this +princess was going to bury her dead.</p> + +<p>"Nay," said the old woman, "it is our lady of Roche-Corbon, +wife of the seneschal of Poitou and Touraine, in quest of a +child."</p> + +<p>"Ah! Ah!" said the young girl, laughing like a fly just +satisfied; then pointing to the handsome knight who was at the +head of the procession--"he who marches at the head would manage +that; she would save the wax-candles and the vow."</p> + +<p>"Ha! my little one," replied the hag, "I am rather surprised +that she should go to Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles seeing that +there are no handsome priests there. She might very well stop for +a short time beneath the shadow the belfry of Marmoustiers; she +would soon be fertile, those good fathers are so lively."</p> + +<p>"By a nun's oath!" said a tramp walking up, "look; the Sire de +Montsoreau is lively and delicate enough to open the lady's +heart, the more so as he is well formed to do so."</p> + +<p>And all commenced a laugh. The Sire de Montsoreau wished to go +to them and hang them in lime-tree by the road as a punishment +for their bad words, but Blanche cried out quickly--</p> + +<p>"Oh, sir, do not hang them yet. They have not said all they +mean; and we shall see them on our return."</p> + +<p>She blushed, and the Sire de Montsoreau looked at her eagerly, +as though to shoot into her the mystic comprehensions of love, +but the clearing out of her intelligence had already been +commenced by the sayings of the peasants which were fructifying +in her understanding-- her innocence was like touchwood, there +was only need for a word to inflame it.</p> + +<p>Thus Blanche perceived now the notable and physical +differences between the qualities of her old husband and +perfections of the said Gauttier, a gentleman who was not over +affected with his twenty-three years, but held himself upright as +a ninepin in the saddle, and as wide-awake as the matin chimes, +while in contrast to him, slept the seneschal; he had courage and +dexterity there where his master failed. He was one of those +smart fellows whom the jades would sooner wear at night than a +leathern garment, because they then no longer fear the fleas; +there are some who vituperate them, but no one should be blamed, +because every one should sleep as he likes.</p> + +<p>So much did the seneschal's lady think, and so imperially +well, that by the time she arrived at the bridge of Tours, she +loved Gauttier secretly, as a maiden loves, without suspecting +that it is love. From that she became a proper woman, that is to +say, she desired the good of others, the best that men have, she +fell into a fit of love- sickness, going at the first jump to the +depth of her misery, seeing that all is flame between the first +coveting and the last desire, and she knew not how she then +learned that by the eyes can flow in a subtle essence, causing +such powerful corrosions in all the veins of the body, recesses +of the heart, nerves of the members, roots of the hair, +perspiration of the substance, limbo of the brain, orifices of +the epidermis, windings of the pluck, tubes of the hypochondriac +and other channels which in her was suddenly dilated, heated, +tickled, envenomed, clawed, harrowed, and disturbed, as if she +had a basketful of needles in her inside. This was a maiden's +desire, a well- conditioned desire, which troubled her sight to +such a degree that she no longer saw her old spouse, but clearly +the young Gauttier, whose nature was as ample as the glorious +chin of an abbot. When the good man entered Tours the Ah! Ah! of +the crowd woke him up, and he came with great pomp with his suite +to the Church of Notre-Dame de l'Egrignolles, formerly called la +greigneur, as if you said that which has the most merit. Blanche +went into the chapel where children are asked to God and of the +Virgin, and went there alone, as was the custom, always however +in the presence of the seneschal, of his varlets and the +loiterers who remained outside the grill. When the countess saw +the priest come who had charge of the masses said for children, +and who received the said vows, she asked him if there were many +barren women. To which the good priest replied, that he must not +complain, and that the children were good revenue to the +Church.</p> + +<p>"And do you often see," said Blanche, "young women with such +old husbands as my lord?"</p> + +<p>"Rarely," said he.</p> + +<p>"But have those obtained offspring?"</p> + +<p>"Always," replied the priest smiling.</p> + +<p>"And the others whose companions are not so old?"</p> + +<p>"Sometimes."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" said she, "there is more certainty then with one +like the seneschal?"</p> + +<p>"To be sure," said the priest.</p> + +<p>"Why?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Madame," gravely replied priest, "before that age God alone +interferes with the affair, after, it is the men."</p> + +<p>At this time it was a true thing that all the wisdom had gone +to the clergy. Blanch made her vow, which was a very profitable +one, seeing that her decorations were worth quite two thousand +gold crowns.</p> + +<p>"You are very joyful!" said the old seneschal to her when on +the home journey she made her mare prance, jump, and frisk.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes!" said she. "There is no longer any doubt about my +having a child, because any one can help me, the priest said: I +shall take Gauttier."</p> + +<p>The seneschal wished to go and slay the monk, but he thought +that was a crime which would cost him too much, and he resolved +cunningly to arrange his vengeance with the help of the +archbishop; and before the housetops of Roche-Corbon came in +sight he had ordered the Sire de Montsoreau to seek a little +retirement in his own country, which the young Gauttier did, +knowing the ways of the lord. The seneschal put in the place of +the said Gauttier the son of the Sire de Jallanges, whose fief +was held from Roche-Corbon. He was a young boy named Rene, +approaching fourteen years, and he made him a page, awaiting the +time when he should be old enough to be an equerry, and gave the +command of his men to an old cripple, with whom he had knocked +about a great deal in Palestine and other places. Thus the good +man believed he would avoid the horned trappings of cuckoldom, +and would still be able to girth, bridle, and curb the factious +innocence of his wife, which struggled like a mule held by a +rope.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THAT WHICH IS ONLY A VENIAL SIN.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The Sunday following the arrival of Rene at the manor of +Roche-Corbon, Blanche went out hunting without her goodman, and +when she was in the forest near Les Carneaux, saw a monk who +appeared to be pushing a girl about more than was necessary, and +spurred on her horse, saying to her people, "Ho there! Don't let +him kill her." But when the seneschal's lady arrived close to +them, she turned her horse's head quickly and the sight she +beheld prevented her from hunting. She came back pensive, and +then the lantern of her intelligence opened, and received a +bright light, which made a thousand things clear, such as church +and other pictures, fables, and lays of the troubadours, or the +domestic arrangements of birds; suddenly she discovered the sweet +mystery of love written in all languages, even in that of the +Carps'. Is it not silly thus to seal this science from maidens? +Soon Blanche went to bed, and soon said she to the +seneschal--</p> + +<p>"Bruyn, you have deceived me, you ought to behave as the monk +of the Carneaux behaved to the girl."</p> + +<p>Old Bruyn suspected the adventure, and saw well that his evil +hour was at hand. He regarded Blanche with too much fire in his +eyes for the same ardour to be lower down, and answered her +softly--</p> + +<p>"Alas! sweetheart, in taking you for my wife I had more love +than strength, and I have taken advantage of your clemency and +virtue. The great sorrow of my life is to feel all my capability +in my heart only. This sorrow hastens my death little by little, +so that you will soon be free. Wait for my departure from this +world. That is the sole request that he makes of you, he who is +your master, and who could command you, but who wishes only to be +your prime minister and slave. Do not betray the honour of my +white hairs! Under these circumstances there have been lords who +have slain their wives.</p> + +<p>"Alas! you will not kill me?" said she.</p> + +<p>"No," replied the old man, "I love thee too much, little one; +why, thou art the flower of my old age, the joy of my soul. Thou +art my well-beloved daughter; the sight of thee does good to mine +eyes, and from thee I could endure anything, be it a sorrow or a +joy, provided that thou does not curse too much the poor Bruyn +who has made thee a great lady, rich and honoured. Wilt thou not +be a lovely widow? And thy happiness will soften the pangs of +death."</p> + +<p>And he found in his dried-up eyes still one tear which +trickled quite warm down his fir-cone coloured face, and fell +upon the hand of Blanche, who, grieved to behold this great love +of her old spouse who would put himself under the ground to +please her, said laughingly--</p> + +<p>"There! there! don't cry, I will wait."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the seneschal kissed her hands and regaled her with +little endearments, saying with a voice quivering with +emotion--</p> + +<p>"If you knew, Blanche my darling, how I devour thee in thy +sleep with caresses, now here, now there!" And the old ape patted +her with his two hands, which were nothing but bones. And he +continued, "I dared not waken the cat that would have strangled +my happiness, since at this occupation of love I only embraced +with my heart."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" replied she, "you can fondle me thus even when my eyes +are open; that has not the least effect upon me."</p> + +<p>At these words the poor seneschal, taking the little dagger +which was on the table by the bed, gave it to her, saying with +passion--</p> + +<p>"My darling, kill me, or let me believe that you love me a +little!"</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," said she, quite frightened, "I will try to love +you much."</p> + +<p>Behold how this young maidenhood made itself master of this +old man and subdued him, for in the name of the sweet face of +Venus, Blanche, endowed with the natural artfulness of women, +made her old Bruyn come and go like a miller's mule.</p> + +<p>"My good Bruyn, I want this! Bruyn, I want that--go on Bruyn!" +Bruyn! Bruyn! And always Bruyn in such a way that Bruyn was more +worn-out by the clemency of his wife than he would have been by +her unkindness. She turned his brain wishing that everything +should be in scarlet, making him turn everything topsy-turvy at +the least movement of her eyebrow, and when she was sad the +seneschal distracted, would say to everything from his judicial +seat, "Hang him!" Another would have died like a fly at this +conflict with the maid's innocence, but Bruyn was of such an iron +nature that it was difficult to finish him off. One evening that +Blanche had turned the house upside-down, upset the men and the +beasts, and would by her aggravating humour have made the eternal +father desperate--he who has such an infinite treasure of +patience since he endures us--she said to the seneschal while +getting into bed, "My good Bruyn, I have low down fancies, that +bite and prick me; thence they rise into my heart, inflame my +brain, incite me therein to evil deeds, and in the night I dream +of the monk of the Carneaux."</p> + +<p>"My dear," replied the seneschal, "these are devilries and +temptations against which the monks and nuns know how to defend +themselves. If you will gain salvation, go and confess to the +worthy Abbot of Marmoustiers, our neighbour; he will advise you +well and will holily direct you in the good way."</p> + +<p>"Tomorrow I will go," said she.</p> + +<p>And indeed directly it was day, she trotted off to the +monastery of the good brethren, who marvelled to see among them +so pretty a lady; committed more than one sin through her in the +evening; and for the present led her with great ceremony to their +reverend abbot.</p> + +<p>Blanche found the said good man in a private garden near the +high rock under a flower arcade, and remained stricken with +respect at the countenance of the holy man, although she was +accustomed not to think much of grey hairs.</p> + +<p>"God preserve you, Madame; what can you have to seek of one so +near death, you so young?"</p> + +<p>"Your precious advice," said she, saluting him with a +courtesy; "and if it will please you to guide so undutiful a +sheep, I shall be well content to have so wise a confessor."</p> + +<p>"My daughter," answered the monk, with whom old Bruyn had +arranged this hypocrisy and the part to play, "if I had not the +chills of a hundred winters upon this unthatched head, I should +not dare to listen to your sins, but say on; if you enter +paradise, it will be through me."</p> + +<p>Then the seneschal's wife set forth the small fry of her stock +in hand, and when she was purged of her little iniquities, she +came to the postscript of her confession.</p> + +<p>"Ah! my father!" said she, "I must confess to you that I am +daily exercised by the desire to have a child. Is it wrong?"</p> + +<p>"No," said the abbot.</p> + +<p>But she went on, "It is by nature commanded to my husband not +to draw from his wealth to bring about his poverty, as the old +women say by the way."</p> + +<p>"Then," replied the priest, "you must live virtuously and +abstain from all thoughts of this kind."</p> + +<p>"But I have heard it professed by the Lady of Jallanges, that +it was not a sin when from it one derived neither profit nor +pleasure."</p> + +<p>"There always is pleasure," said the abbot, "but don't count +upon the child as a profit. Now fix this in your understanding, +that it will always be a mortal sin before God and a crime before +men to bring forth a child through the embraces of a man to whom +one is not ecclesiastically married. Thus those women who offend +against the holy laws of marriage, suffer great penalties in the +other world, are in the power of horrible monsters with sharp and +tearing claws, who thrust them into flaming furnaces in +remembrance of the fact that here below they have warmed their +hearts a little more than was lawful."</p> + +<p>Thereupon Blanche scratched her ear, and having thought to +herself for a little while, she said to the priest, "How then did +the Virgin Mary?"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" replied abbot, "that it is a mystery."</p> + +<p>"And what is a mystery?"</p> + +<p>"A thing that cannot be explained, and which one ought to +believe without enquiring into it."</p> + +<p>"Well then," said she, "cannot I perform a mystery?"</p> + +<p>"This one," said the Abbot, "only happened once, because it +was the Son of God."</p> + +<p>"Alas! my father, is it then the will of God that I should +die, or that from wise and sound comprehension my brain should be +turned? Of this there is a great danger. Now in me something +moves and excites me, and I am no longer in my senses. I care for +nothing, and to find a man I would leap the walls, dash over the +fields without shame and tear my things into tatters, only to see +that which so much excited the monk of the Carneaux; and during +these passions which work and prick my mind and body, there is +neither God, devil, nor husband. I spring, I run, I smash up the +wash-tubs, the pots, the farm implements, a fowl-house, the +household things, and everything, in a way that I cannot +describe. But I dare not confess to you all my misdeeds, because +speaking of them makes my mouth water, and the thing with which +God curses me makes me itch dreadfully. If this folly bites and +pricks me, and slays my virtue, will God, who has placed this +great love in my body, condemn me to perdition?"</p> + +<p>At this question it was the priest who scratched his ear, +quite dumbfounded by the lamentations, profound wisdom, +controversies and intelligence that this virginity secreted.</p> + +<p>"My daughter," said he, "God has distinguished us from the +beasts and made us a paradise to gain, and for this given us +reason, which is a rudder to steer us against tempests and our +ambitious desires, and there is a means of easing the +imaginations of one's brain by fasting, excessive labours, and +other virtues; and instead of frisking and fretting like a child +let loose from school, you should pray to the virgin, sleep on a +hard board, attend to your household duties, and never be +idle."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my father, when I am at church in my seat, I see neither +the priest nor the altar, only the infant Jesus, who brings the +thing into my head. But to finish, if my head is turned and my +mind wanders, I am in the lime-twigs of love."</p> + +<p>"If thus you were," said the abbot, imprudently, "you would be +in the position of Saint Lidoire, who in a deep sleep one day, +one leg here and one leg there, through the great heat and +scantily attired, was approached by a young man full of mischief, +who dexterously seduced her, and as of this trick the saint was +thoroughly ignorant, and much surprised at being brought to bed, +thinking that her unusual size was a serious malady, she did +penance for it as a venial sin, as she had no pleasure in this +wicked business, according to the statement of the wicked man, +who said upon the scaffold where he was executed, that the saint +had in nowise stirred."</p> + +<p>"Oh, my father," said she, "be sure that I should not stir +more than she did!"</p> + +<p>With this statement she went away prettily and gracefully, +smiling and thinking how she could commit a venial sin. On her +return from the great monastery, she saw in the courtyard of her +castle the little Jallanges, who under the superintendence of an +old groom was turning and wheeling about on a fine horse, bending +with the movements of the animal, dismounting and mounting again +with vaults and leaps most gracefully, and with lissome thighs, +so pretty, so dextrous, so upright as to be indescribable, so +much so, that he would have made the Queen Lucrece long for him, +she who killed herself from having been contaminated against her +will.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said Blanche, "if only this page were fifteen, I would +go to sleep comfortably very near to him."</p> + +<p>Then, in spite of the too great youth of this charming +servitor, during the collation and supper, she eyed frequently +the black hair, the white skin, the grace of Rene, above all his +eyes, where was an abundance of limpid warmth and a great fire of +life, which he was afraid to shoot out--child that he was.</p> + +<p>Now in the evening, as the seneschal's wife sat thoughtfully +in her chair in the corner of the fireplace, old Bruyn +interrogated her as to her trouble.</p> + +<p>"I am thinking." said she, "that you must have fought the +battles of love very early, to be thus completely broken up."</p> + +<p>"Oh!" smiled he, smiling like all old men questioned upon +their amorous remembrances, "at the age of thirteen and a half I +had overcome the scruples of my mother's waiting woman."</p> + +<p>Blanche wished to hear nothing more, but believed the page +Rene should be equally advanced, and she was quite joyous and +practised little allurements on the good man, and wallowed +silently in her desire, like a cake which is being floured.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">HOW AND BY WHOM THE SAID CHILD WAS +PROCURED.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The seneschal's wife did not think long over the best way +quickly to awaken the love of the page, and had soon discovered +the natural ambuscade in the which the most wary are taken. This +is how: at the warmest hour of the day the good man took his +siesta after the Saracen fashion, a habit in which he had never +failed, since his return from the Holy Land. During this time +Blanche was alone in the grounds, where the women work at their +minor occupations, such as broidering and stitching, and often +remained in the rooms looking after the washing, putting the +clothes tidy, or running about at will. Then she appointed this +quiet hour to complete the education of the page, making him read +books and say his prayers. Now on the morrow, when at the mid-day +hour the seneschal slept, succumbing to the sun which warms with +its most luminous rays the slopes of Roche-Corbon, so much so +that one is obliged to sleep, unless annoyed, upset, and +continually roused by a devil of a young woman. Blanche then +gracefully perched herself in the great seignorial chair of her +good man, which she did not find any too high, since she counted +upon the chances of perspective. The cunning jade settled herself +dextrously therein, like a swallow in its nest, and leaned her +head maliciously upon her arm like a child that sleeps; but in +making her preparations she opened fond eyes, that smiled and +winked in advance of the little secret thrills, sneezes, squints, +and trances of the page who was about to lie at her feet, +separated from her by the jump of an old flea; and in fact she +advanced so much and so near the square of velvet where the poor +child should kneel, whose life and soul she trifled with, that +had he been a saint of stone, his glance would have been +constrained to follow the flexousities of the dress in order to +admire and re-admire the perfections and beauties of the shapely +leg, which moulded the white stocking of the seneschal's lady. +Thus it was certain that a weak varlet would be taken in the +snare, wherein the most vigorous knight would willingly have +succumbed. When she had turned, returned, placed and displaced +her body, and found the situation in which the page would be most +comfortable, she cried, gently. "Rene!" Rene, whom she knew well +was in the guard-room, did not fail to run in and quickly thrust +his brown head between the tapestries of the door.</p> + +<p>"What do you please to wish?" said the page. And he held with +great respect in his hand his shaggy scarlet cap, less red than +his fresh dimpled cheeks.</p> + +<p>"Come hither," replied she, under her breath, for the child +attracted her so strongly that she was quite overcome.</p> + +<p>And forsooth there were no jewels so sparkling as the eyes of +Rene, no vellum whiter than his skin, no woman more exquisite in +shape--and so near to her desire, she found him still more +sweetly formed--and was certain that the merry frolics of love +would radiate well from this youth, the warm sun, the silence, et +cetera.</p> + +<p>"Read me the litanies of Madame the Virgin," said she to him, +pushing an open book him on her prieu-dieu. "Let me see if you +are well taught by your master."</p> + +<p>"Do you not think the Virgin beautiful?" asked she of him, +smiling when he held the illuminated prayer-book in which glowed +the silver and gold.</p> + +<p>"It is a painting," replied he, timidly, and casting a little +glance upon his so gracious mistress.</p> + +<p>"Read! read!"</p> + +<p>Then Rene began to recite the so sweet and so mystic litanies; +but you may imagine that the "Ora pro nobis" of Blanche became +still fainter and fainter, like the sound of the horn in the +woodlands, and when the page went on, "Oh, Rose of mystery," the +lady, who certainly heard distinctly, replied by a gentle sigh. +Thereupon Rene suspected that his mistress slept. Then he +commenced to cover her with his regard, admiring her at his +leisure, and had then no wish to utter any anthem save the anthem +of love. His happiness made his heart leap and bound into his +throat; thus, as was but natural, these two innocents burned one +against the other, but if they could have foreseen never would +have intermingled. Rene feasted his eyes, planning in his mind a +thousand fruitions of love that brought the water into his mouth. +In his ecstasy he let his book fall, which made him feel as +sheepish as a monk surprised at a child's tricks; but also from +that he knew that Blanche was sound asleep, for she did not stir, +and the wily jade would not have opened her eyes even at the +greatest dangers, and reckoned on something else falling as well +as the book of prayer.</p> + +<p>There is no worse longing than the longing of a woman in +certain condition. Now, the page noticed his lady's foot, which +was delicately slippered in a little shoe of a delicate blue +colour. She had angularly placed it on a footstool, since she was +too high in the seneschal's chair. This foot was of narrow +proportions, delicately curved, as broad as two fingers, and as +long as a sparrow, tail included, small at the top--a true foot +of delight, a virginal foot that merited a kiss as a robber does +the gallows; a roguish foot; a foot wanton enough to damn an +archangel; an ominous foot; a devilishly enticing foot, which +gave one a desire to make two new ones just like it to perpetuate +in this lower world the glorious works of God. The page was +tempted to take the shoe from this persuasive foot. To accomplish +this his eyes glowing with the fire of his age, went swiftly, +like the clapper of a bell, from this said foot of delectation to +the sleeping countenance of his lady and mistress, listening to +her slumber, drinking in her respiration again and again, it did +not know where it would be sweetest to plant a kiss--whether on +the ripe red lips of the seneschal's wife or on this speaking +foot. At length, from respect or fear, or perhaps from great +love, he chose the foot, and kissed it hastily, like a maiden who +dares not. Then immediately he took up his book, feeling his red +cheeks redder still, and exercised with his pleasure, he cried +like a blind man--"Janua coeli,: gate of Heaven." But Blanche did +not move, making sure that the page would go from foot to knee, +and thence to "Janua coeli,: gate of Heaven." She was greatly +disappointed when the litanies finished without any other +mischief, and Rene, believing he had had enough happiness for one +day, ran out of the room quite lively, richer from this hardy +kiss than a robber who has robbed the poor-box.</p> + +<p>When the seneschal's lady was alone, she thought to herself +that this page would be rather a long time at his task if he +amused himself with the singing of the Magnificat at matins. Then +she determined on the morrow to raise her foot a little, and then +to bring to light those hidden beauties that are called perfect +in Touraine, because they take no hurt in the open air, and are +always fresh. You can imagine that the page, burned by his desire +and his imagination, heated by the day before, awaited +impatiently the hour to read in this breviary of gallantry, and +was called; and the conspiracy of the litanies commenced again, +and Blanche did not fail to fall asleep. This time the said Rene +fondled with his hand the pretty limb, and even ventured so far +as to verify if the polished knee and its surroundings were +satin. At this sight the poor child, armed against his desire, so +great was his fear, dared only to make brief devotion and curt +caresses, and although he kissed softly this fair surface, he +remained bashful, the which, feeling by the senses of her soul +and the intelligence of her body, the seneschal's lady who took +great care not to move, called out to him--"Ah, Rene, I am +asleep."</p> + +<p>Hearing what he believed to be a stern reproach, the page +frightened ran away, leaving the books, the task, and all. +Thereupon, the seneschal's better half added this prayer to the +litany--"Holy Virgin, how difficult children are to make."</p> + +<p>At dinner her page perspired all down his back while waiting +on his lady and her lord; but he was very much surprised when he +received from Blanche the most shameless of all glances that ever +woman cast, and very pleasant and powerful it was, seeing that it +changed this child into a man of courage. Now, the same evening +Bruyn staying a little longer than was his custom in his own +apartment, the page went in search of Blanche, and found her +asleep, and made her dream a beautiful dream.</p> + +<p>He knocked off the chains that weighed so heavily upon her, +and so plentifully bestowed upon her the sweets of love, that the +surplus would have sufficed to render to others blessed with the +joys of maternity. So then the minx, seizing the page by the head +and squeezing him to her, cried out--"Oh, Rene! Thou hast +awakened me!"</p> + +<p>And in fact there was no sleep could stand against it, and it +is certain that saints must sleep very soundly. From this +business, without any other mystery, and by a benign faculty +which is the assisting principle of spouses, the sweet and +graceful plumage, suitable to cuckolds, was placed upon the head +of the good husband without his experiencing the slightest +shock.</p> + +<p>After this sweet repast, the seneschal's lady took kindly to +her siesta after the French fashion, while Bruyn took his +according to the Saracen. But by the said siesta she learned how +the good youth of the page had a better taste than that of the +old seneschal, and at night she buried herself in the sheets far +away from her husband, whom she found strong and stale. And from +sleeping and waking up in the day, from taking siestas and saying +litanies, the seneschal's wife felt growing within her that +treasure for which she had so often and so ardently sighed; but +now she liked more the commencement than the fructifying of +it.</p> + +<p>You may be sure that Rene knew how to read, not only in books, +but in the eyes of his sweet lady, for whom he would have leaped +into a flaming pile, had it been her wish he should do so. When +well and amply, more than a hundred times, the train had been +laid by them, the little lady became anxious about her soul and +the future of her friend the page. Now one rainy day, as they +were playing at touch-tag, like two children, innocent from head +to foot, Blanche, who was always caught, said to him--</p> + +<p>"Come here, Rene; do you know that while I have only committed +venial sins because I was asleep, you have committed mortal +ones?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, Madame!" said he, "where then will God stow away all the +damned if that is to sin!"</p> + +<p>Blanche burst out laughing, and kissed his forehead.</p> + +<p>"Be quiet, you naughty boy; it is a question of paradise, and +we must live there together if you wish always to be with +me."</p> + +<p>"Oh, my paradise is here."</p> + +<p>"Leave off," said she. "You are a little wretch--a scapegrace +who does not think of that which I love--yourself! You do not +know that I am with child, and that in a little while I shall be +no more able to conceal it than my nose. Now, what will the abbot +say? What will my lord say? He will kill you if he puts himself +in a passion. My advice is little one, that you go to the abbot +of Marmoustiers, confess your sins to him, asking him to see what +had better be done concerning my seneschal.</p> + +<p>"Alas," said the artful page, "if I tell the secret of our +joys, he will put his interdict upon our love."</p> + +<p>"Very likely," said she; "but thy happiness in the other world +is a thing so precious to me."</p> + +<p>"Do you wish it my darling?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied she rather faintly.</p> + +<p>"Well, I will go, but sleep again that I may bid you +adieu."</p> + +<p>And the couple recited the litany of Farewells as if they had +both foreseen that their love must finish in its April. And on +the morrow, more to save his dear lady than to save himself, and +also to obey her, Rene de Jallanges set out towards the great +monastery.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">HOW THE SAID LOVE-SIN WAS REPENTED OF AND LED +TO GREAT MOURNING.</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>"Good God!" cried the abbot, when the page had chanted the +Kyrie eleison of his sweet sins, "thou art the accomplice of a +great felony, and thou has betrayed thy lord. Dost thou know page +of darkness, that for this thou wilt burn through all eternity? +and dost thou know what it is to lose forever the heaven above +for a perishable and changeful moment here below? Unhappy wretch! +I see thee precipitated for ever in the gulfs of hell unless thou +payest to God in this world that which thou owest him for such +offence."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the good old abbot, who was of that flesh of which +saints are made, and who had great authority in the country of +Touraine, terrified the young man by a heap of representations, +Christian discourses, remembrances of the commandments of the +Church, and a thousand eloquent things--as many as a devil could +say in six weeks to seduce a maiden--but so many that Rene, who +was in the loyal fervour of innocence, made his submission to the +good abbot. The said abbot, wishing to make forever a good and +virtuous man of this child, now in a fair way to be a wicked one, +commanded him first to go and prostrate himself before his lord, +to confess his conduct to him, and then if he escaped from this +confession, to depart instantly for the Crusades, and go straight +to the Holy Land, where he should remain fifteen years of the +time appointed to give battle to the Infidels.</p> + +<p>"Alas, my reverend father," said he, quite unmoved, "will +fifteen years be enough to acquit me of so much pleasure? Ah! If +you knew, I have had joy enough for a thousand years."</p> + +<p>"God will be generous. Go," replied the old abbot, "and sin no +more. On this account ego te absolvo."</p> + +<p>Poor Rene returned thereupon with great contrition to the +castle of Roche-Corbon and the first person he met was the +seneschal, who was polishing up his arms, helmets, gauntlets, and +other things. He was sitting on a great marble bench in the open +air, and was amusing himself by making shine again the splendid +trappings which brought back to him the merry pranks in the Holy +Land, the good jokes, and the wenches, et cetera. When Rene fell +upon his knees before him, the good lord was much astonished.</p> + +<p>"What is it?" said he.</p> + +<p>"My lord," replied Rene, "order these people to retire."</p> + +<p>Which the servants having done, the page confessed his fault, +recounting how he had assailed his lady in her sleep, and that +for certain he had made her a mother in imitation of the man and +the saint, and came by order of the confessor to put himself at +the disposition of the offended person. Having said which, Rene +de Jallanges cast down his lovely eyes, which had produced all +the mischief, and remained abashed, prostrate without fear, his +arms hanging down, his head bare, awaiting his punishment, and +humbling himself to God. The seneschal was not so white that he +could not become whiter, and now he blanched like linen newly +dried, remaining dumb with passion. And this old man who had not +in his veins the vital force to procreate a child, found in this +moment of fury more vigour than was necessary to undo a man. He +seized with his hairy right hand his heavy club, lifted it, +brandished it and adjusted it so easily you could have thought it +a bowl at a game of skittles, to bring it down upon the pale +forehead of the said Rene, who knowing that he was greatly in +fault towards his lord, remained placid, and stretching his neck, +thought that he was about to expiate his sin for his sweetheart +in this world and in the other.</p> + +<p>But his fair youth, and all the natural seductions of this +sweet crime, found grace before the tribunal of the heart of this +old man, although Bruyn was still severe, and throwing his club +away on to a dog who was catching beetles, he cried out, "May a +thousand million claws, tear during all eternity, all the +entrails of him, who made him, who planted the oak, that made the +chair, on which thou hast antlered me--and the same to those who +engendered thee, cursed page of misfortune! Get thee to the +devil, whence thou camest--go out from before me, from the +castle, from the country, and stay not here one moment more than +is necessary, otherwise I will surely prepare for thee a death by +slow fire that shall make thee curse twenty times an hour thy +villainous and ribald partner!"</p> + +<p>Hearing the commencement of these little speeches of the +seneschal, whose youth came back in his oaths, the page ran away, +escaping the rest: and he did well. Bruyn, burning with a fierce +rage, gained the gardens speedily, reviling everything by the +way, striking and swearing; he even knocked over three large pans +held by one of his servants, was carrying the mess to the dogs, +and he was so beside himself that he would have killed a labourer +for a "thank you." He soon perceived his unmaidenly maiden, who +was looking towards the road to the monastery, waiting for the +page, and unaware that she would never see him again.</p> + +<p>"Ah, my lady! By the devil's red three-pronged fork, am I a +swallower of tarradiddles and a child, to believe that you are so +fashioned that a page can behave in this manner and you not know +it? By the death! By the head! By the blood!"</p> + +<p>"Hold!" she replied, seeing that the mine was sprung, "I knew +it well enough, but as you had not instructed me in these matters +I thought that I was dreaming!"</p> + +<p>The great ire of the seneschal melted like snow in the sun, +for the direst anger of God himself would have vanished at a +smile from Blanche.</p> + +<p>"May a thousand millions of devils carry off this alien child! +I swear that--"</p> + +<p>"There! there! do not swear," said she. "If it is not yours, +it is mine; and the other night did you not tell me you loved +everything that came from me?"</p> + +<p>Thereupon she ran on with such a lot of arguments, hard words, +complaints, quarrels, tears, and other paternosters of women; +such as --firstly the estates would not have to be returned to +the king; that never had a child been brought more innocently +into the world, that this, that that, a thousand things; until +the good cuckold relented, and Blanche, seizing a propitious +interruption said--</p> + +<p>"And where it is the page?"</p> + +<p>"Gone to the devil!"</p> + +<p>"What, have you killed him?" said she. She turned pale and +tottered.</p> + +<p>Bruyn did not know what would become of him when he saw thus +fall all the happiness of his old age, and he would to save her +have shown her this page. He ordered him to be sought, but Rene +had run off at full speed, fearing he should be killed; and +departed for the lands beyond the seas, in order to accomplish +his vow of religion. When Blanche had learned from the +above-mentioned abbot the penitence imposed upon her well +beloved, she fell into a state of great melancholy, saying at +times, "Where is he, the poor unfortunate, who is in the middle +of great dangers for love of me?"</p> + +<p>And always kept on asking, like a child who gives its mother +no rest until its request be granted it. At these lamentations +the poor seneschal, feeling himself to blame, endeavoured to do a +thousand things, putting one out of the question, in order to +make Blanche happy; but nothing was equal to the sweet caresses +of the page. However, she had one day the child so much desired. +You may be sure that was a fine festival for the good cuckold, +for the resemblance to the father was distinctly engraved upon +the face of this sweet fruit of love. Blanche consoled herself +greatly, and picked up again a little of her old gaiety and +flower of innocence, which rejoiced the aged hours of the +seneschal. From constantly seeing the little one run about, +watching its laughs answer those of the countess, he finished by +loving it, and would have been in a great rage with anyone who +had not believed him its father.</p> + +<p>Now as the adventure of Blanche and her page had not been +carried beyond the castle, it was related throughout Touraine +that Messire Bruyn had still found himself sufficiently in funds +to afford a child. Intact remained the virtue of Blanche, and by +the quintessence of instruction drawn by her from the natural +reservoir of women, she recognised how necessary it was to be +silent concerning the venial sin with which her child was +covered. So she became modest and good, and was cited as a +virtuous person. And then to make use of him she experimented on +the goodness of her good man, and without giving him leave to go +further than her chin, since she looked upon herself as belonging +to Rene, Blanche, in return for the flowers of age which Bruyn +offered her, coddled him, smiled upon him, kept him merry, and +fondled him with pretty ways and tricks, which good wives bestow +upon the husbands they deceive; and all so well, that the +seneschal did not wish to die, squatted comfortably in his chair, +and the more he lived the more he became partial to life. But to +be brief, one night he died without knowing where he was going, +for he said to Blanche, "Ho! ho! My dear, I see thee no longer! +Is it night?"</p> + +<p>It was the death of the just, and he had well merited it as a +reward for his labours in the Holy Land.</p> + +<p>Blanche held for his death a great and true mourning, weeping +for him as one weeps for one's father. She remained melancholy, +without wishing to lend her ear to the music of a second wedding, +for which she was praised by all good people, who knew not that +she had a husband in her heart, a life in hope; but she was the +greater part of her time a widow in fact and widow in heart, +because hearing no news of her lover at the Crusades, the poor +Countess reputed him dead, and during certain nights seeing him +wounded and lying at full length, she would wake up in tears. She +lived thus for fourteen years in the remembrance of one day of +happiness. Finally, one day when she had with her certain ladies +of Touraine, and they were talking together after dinner, behold +her little boy, who was at that time about thirteen and a half, +and resembled Rene more than it is allowable for a child to +resemble his father, and had nothing of the Sire Bruyn about him +but his name--behold the little one, a madcap and pretty like his +mother, who came in from the garden, running, perspiring, +panting, jumping, scattering all things in his way, after the +uses and customs of infancy, and who ran straight to his +well-beloved mother, jumping into her lap, and interrupting the +conversation, cried out--</p> + +<p>"Oh, mother I want to speak to you, I have seen in the +courtyard a pilgrim, who squeezed me very tight."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" cried the chatelaine, hurrying towards one of the +servants who had charge of the young count and watched over his +precious days, "I have forbidden you ever to leave my son in the +hands of strangers, not even in those of the holiest man in the +world. You quit my service."</p> + +<p>"Alas! my lady," replied the old equerry, quite overcome, +"this one wished him no harm for he wept while kissing him +passionately."</p> + +<p>"He wept?" said she; "ah! it's the father."</p> + +<p>Having said which, she leaned her head of upon the chair in +which she was sitting, and which you may be sure was the chair in +which she has sinned.</p> + +<p>Hearing these strange words the ladies was so surprised that +at first they did not perceive that the seneschal's widow was +dead, without its ever been known if her sudden death was caused +by her sorrow at the departure of her lover, who, faithful to his +vow, did not wish to see her, or from great joy at his return and +the hope of getting the interdict removed which the Abbot of +Marmoustiers had placed upon their loves. And there was a great +mourning for her, for the Sire de Jallanges lost his spirits when +he saw his lady laid in the ground, and became a monk of +Marmoustiers, which at that time was called by some Maimoustier, +as much as to say Maius Monasterium, the largest monastery, and +it was indeed the finest in all France.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE KING'S SWEETHEART</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>There lived at this time at the forges of the Pont-aux-Change, +a goldsmith whose daughter was talked about in Paris on account +of her great beauty, and renowned above all things for her +exceeding gracefulness. There were those who sought her favours +by the usual tricks of love and, but others offered large sums of +money to the father to give them his daughter in lawful wedlock, +the which pleased him not a little.</p> + +<p>One of his neighbours, a parliamentary advocate, who by +selling his cunning devices to the public had acquired as many +lands as a dog has fleas, took it into his head to offer the said +father a domain in consideration of his consent to this marriage, +which he ardently desired to undertake. To this arrangement our +goldsmith was nothing loth. He bargained away his daughter, +without taking into consideration the fact that her patched-up +old suitor had the features of an ape and had scarcely a tooth in +his jaws. The smell which emanated from his mouth did not however +disturb his own nostrils, although he was filthy and high +flavoured, as are all those who pass their lives amid the smoke +of chimneys, yellow parchment, and other black proceedings. +Immediately this sweet girl saw him she exclaimed, "Great Heaven! +I would rather not have him."</p> + +<p>"That concerns me not," said the father, who had taken a +violent fancy to the proffered domain. "I give him to you for a +husband. You must get on as well as you can together. That is his +business now, and his duty is to make himself agreeable to +you."</p> + +<p>"Is it so?" said she. "Well then, before I obey your orders +I'll let him know what he may expect."</p> + +<p>And the same evening, after supper, when the love-sick man of +law was pleading his cause, telling her he was mad for her, and +promising her a life of ease and luxury, she taking him up, +quickly remarked--</p> + +<p>"My father had sold me to you, but if you take me, you will +make a bad bargain, seeing that I would rather offer myself to +the passers-by than to you. I promise you a disloyalty that will +only finish with death--yours or mine."</p> + +<p>Then she began to weep, like all young maidens will before +they become experienced, for afterwards they never cry with their +eyes. The good advocate took this strange behaviour for one of +those artifices by which the women seek to fan the flames of love +and turn the devotion of their admirers into the more tender +caress and more daring osculation that speaks a husband's right. +So that the knave took little notice of it, but laughing at the +complaints of the charming creature, asked her to fix the +day.</p> + +<p>"To-morrow," replied she, "for the sooner this odious marriage +takes place, the sooner I shall be free to have gallants and to +lead the gay life of those who love where it pleases them."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the foolish fellow--as firmly fixed as a fly in a +glue pot-- went away, made his preparations, spoke at the Palace, +ran to the High Court, bought dispensations, and conducted his +purchase more quickly than he ever done one before, thinking only +of the lovely girl. Meanwhile the king, who had just returned +from a journey, heard nothing spoken of at court but the +marvellous beauty of the jeweller's daughter who had refused a +thousand crowns from this one, snubbed that one; in fact, would +yield to no one, but turned up her nose at the finest young men +of the city, gentlemen who would have forfeited their seat in +paradise only to possess one day, this little dragon of +virtue.</p> + +<p>The good king, was a judge of such game, strolled into the +town, past the forges, and entered the goldsmith's shop, for the +purpose of buying jewels for the lady of his heart, but at the +same time to bargain for the most precious jewel in the shop. The +king not taking a fancy to the jewels, or they not being to his +taste, the good man looked in a secret drawer for a big white +diamond.</p> + +<p>"Sweetheart," said he, to the daughter, while her father's +nose was buried in the drawer, "sweetheart, you were not made to +sell precious stones, but to receive them, and if you were to +give me all the little rings in the place to choose from, I know +one that many here are mad for; that pleases me; to which I +should ever be subject and servant; and whose price the whole +kingdom of France could never pay."</p> + +<p>"Ah!, sire!" replied the maid, "I shall be married to-morrow, +but if you will lend me the dagger that is in your belt, I will +defend my honour, and you shall take it, that the gospel made be +observed wherein it says,'Render unto Caesar the things which be +Caesar's' . . ."</p> + +<p>Immediately the king gave her the little dagger, and her brave +reply rendered him so amorous that he lost his appetite. He had +an apartment prepared, intending to lodge his new lady-love in +the Rue a l'Hirundelle, in one of his palaces.</p> + +<p>And now behold my advocate, in a great hurry to get married, +to the disgust of his rivals, the leading his bride to the altar +to the clang of bells and the sound of music, so timed as to +provoke the qualms of diarrhoea. In the evening, after the ball, +comes he into the nuptial chamber, where should be reposing his +lovely bride. No longer is she a lovely bride--but a fury--a wild +she-devil, who, seated in an armchair, refuses her share of her +lord's couch, and sits defiantly before the fire warming at the +same time her ire and her calves. The good husband, quite +astonished, kneels down gently before her, inviting her to the +first passage of arms in that charming battle which heralds a +first night of love; but she utters not a word, and when he tries +to raise her garment, only just to glance at the charms that have +cost him so dear, she gives him a slap that makes his bones +rattle, and refuses to utter a syllable.</p> + +<p>This amusement, however, by no means displeased our friend the +advocate, who saw at the end of his troubles that which you can +as well imagine as he did; so played he his share of the game +manfully, taking cheerfully the punishment bestowed upon him. By +so much hustling about, scuffling, and struggling he managed at +last to tear away a sleeve, to slit a petticoat, until he was +able to place his hand upon his own property. This bold endeavour +brought Madame to her feet and drawing the king's dagger, "What +would you with me?" she cried.</p> + +<p>"Everything," answered he.</p> + +<p>"Ha! I should be a great fool to give myself against my +inclination! If you fancied you would find my virtue unarmed you +made a great error. Behold the poniard of the king, with which I +will kill you if you make the semblance of a step towards +me."</p> + +<p>So saying, she took a cinder, and having still her eyes upon +her lord she drew a circle on the floor, adding, "These are the +confines of the king's domain. Beware how you pass them."</p> + +<p>The advocate, with whose ideas of love-making the dagger sadly +interfered, stood quite discomfited, but at the same time he +heard the cruel speech of his tormentor he caught sight through +the slits and tears in her robe of a sweet sample of a plump +white thigh, and such voluptuous specimens of hidden mysteries, +et cetera, that death seemed sweet to him if he could only taste +of them a little. So that he rushed within the domain of the +king, saying, "I mind not death." In fact he came with such force +that his charmer fell backwards onto the bed, but keeping her +presence of mind she defended herself so gallantly that the +advocate enjoyed no further advantage than a knock at the door +that would not admit him, and he gained as well a little stab +from the poniard which did not wound him deeply, so that it did +not cost him very dearly, his attack upon the realm of his +sovereign. But maddened with this slight advantage, he cried, "I +cannot live without the possession of that lovely body, and those +marvels of love. Kill me then!" And again he attacked the royal +preserves. The young beauty, whose head was full of the king, was +not even touched by this great love, said gravely, "If you menace +me further, it is not you but myself I will kill." She glared at +him so savagely that the poor man was quite terrified, and +commenced to deplore the evil hour in which he had taken her to +wife, and thus the night which should have been so joyous, was +passed in tears, lamentations, prayers, and ejaculations. In vain +he tempted her with promises; she should eat out of gold, she +should be a great lady, he would buy houses and lands for her. +Oh! if she would only let him break one lance with her in the +sweet conflict of love, he would leave her for ever and pass the +remainder of his life according to her fantasy. But she, still +unyielding, said she would permit him to die, and that was the +only thing he could do to please her.</p> + +<p>"I have not deceived you," said she. "Agreeable to my promise, +I shall give myself to the king, making you a present of the +peddler, chance passers, and street loungers with whom I +threatened you."</p> + +<p>When the day broke she put on her wedding garments and waited +patiently till the poor husband had to depart to his office +client's business, and then ran out into the town to seek the +king. But she had not gone a bow-shot from the house before one +of the king's servants who had watched the house from dawn, +stopped her with the question--</p> + +<p>"Do you seek the king?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said she.</p> + +<p>"Good; then allow me to be your good friend," said the subtle +courtier. "I ask your aid and protection, as now I give you +mine."</p> + +<p>With that he told her what sort of a man the king was, which +was his weak side, that he was passionate one day and silent the +next, that she would luxuriously lodged and well kept, but that +she must keep the king well in hand; in short, he chatted so +pleasantly that the time passed quickly until she found herself +in the Hotel de l'Hirundelle where afterwards lived Madame +d'Estampes. The poor husband shed scalding tears, when he found +his little bird had flown, and became melancholy and pensive. His +friends and neighbours edified his ears with as many taunts and +jeers as Saint Jacques had the honour of receiving in +Compostella, but the poor fellow took it so to heart, that at +last they tried rather to assuage his grief. These artful +compeers by a species of legal chicanery, decreed that the good +man was not a cuckold, seeing that his wife had refused a +consummation, and if the planter of horns had been anyone but the +king, the said marriage might have been dissolved; but the +amorous spouse was wretched unto death at my lady's trick. +However, he left her to the king, determining one day to have her +to himself, and thinking that a life-long shame would not be too +dear a payment for a night with her. One must love well to love +like that, eh? and there are many worldly ones, who mock at such +affection. But he, still thinking of her, neglected his cases and +his clients, his robberies and everything. He went to the palace +like a miser searching for a lost sixpence, bowed down, +melancholy, and absent-minded, so much so, that one day he +relieved himself against the robe of a counsellor, believing all +the while he stood against a wall. Meanwhile the beautiful girl +was loved night and day by the king, who could not tear himself +from her embraces, because in amorous play she was so excellent, +knowing as well how to fan the flame of love as to extinguish +it--to-day snubbing him, to-morrow petting him, never the same, +and with it a thousand little tricks to charm the ardent +lover.</p> + +<p>A lord of Bridore killed himself through her, because she +would not receive his embraces, although he offered her his land, +Bridore in Touraine. Of these gallants of Touraine, who gave an +estate for one tilt with love's lance, there are none left. This +death made the fair one sad, and since her confessor laid the +blame of it upon her, she determined for the future to accept all +domains and secretly ease their owner's amorous pains for the +better saving of their souls from perdition. 'Twas thus she +commenced to build up that great fortune which made her a person +of consideration in the town. By this means she prevented many +gallant gentlemen from perishing, playing her game so well, and +inventing such fine stories, that his Majesty little guessed how +much she aided him in securing the happiness of his subjects. The +fact is, she has such a hold over him that she could have made +him believe the floor was the ceiling, which was perhaps easier +for him to think than anyone else seeing that at the Rue +d'Hirundelle my lord king passed the greater portion of his time +embracing her always as though he would see if such a lovely +article would wear away: but he wore himself out first, poor man, +seeing that he eventually died from excess of love. Although she +took care to grant her favours only to the best and noblest in +the court, and that such occasions were rare as miracles, there +were not wanting those among her enemies and rivals who declared +that for 10,000 crowns a simple gentleman might taste the +pleasures of his sovereign, which was false above all falseness, +for when her lord taxed her with it, did she not reply, +"Abominable wretches! Curse the devils who put this idea in your +head! I never yet did have man who spent less than 30,000 crowns +upon me."</p> + +<p>The king, although vexed could not repress a smile, and kept +her on a month to silence scandal. And last, la demoiselle de +Pisseleu, anxious to obtain her place, brought about her ruin. +Many would have liked to be ruined in the same way, seeing she +was taken by a young lord, was happy with him, the fires of love +in her being still unquenched. But to take up the thread again. +One day that the king's sweetheart was passing through the town +in her litter to buy laces, furs, velvets, broideries, and other +ammunition, and so charmingly attired, and looking so lovely, +that anyone, especially the clerks, would have believed the +heavens were open above them, behold, her good man, who comes +upon her near the old cross. She, at that time lazily swinging +her charming little foot over the side of the litter, drew in her +head as though she had seen an adder. She was a good wife, for I +know some who would have proudly passed their husbands, to their +shame and to the great disrespect of conjugal rights.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter?" asked one M. de Lannoy, who humbly +accompanied her.</p> + +<p>"Nothing," she whispered; "but that person is my husband. Poor +man, how changed he looks. Formerly he was the picture of a +monkey; today he is the very image of a Job."</p> + +<p>The poor advocate stood opened-mouthed. His heart beat rapidly +at the sight of that little foot--of that wife so wildly +loved.</p> + +<p>Observing which, the Sire de Lannoy said to him, with courtly +innocence--</p> + +<p>"If you are her husband, is that any reason you should stop +her passage?"</p> + +<p>At this she burst out laughing, and the good husband instead +of killing her bravely, shed scalding tears at that laugh which +pierced his heart, his soul, his everything, so much that he +nearly tumbled over an old citizen whom the sight of the king's +sweetheart had driven against the wall. The aspect of this weak +flower, which had been his in the bud, but far from him had +spread its lovely leaves; of the fairy figure, the voluptuous +bust--all this made the poor advocate more wretched and more mad +for her than it is possible to express in words. You must have +been madly in love with a woman who refuses your advances +thoroughly to understand the agony of this unhappy man. Rare +indeed is it to be so infatuated as he was. He swore that life, +fortune, honour--all might go, but that for once at least he +would be flesh-to-flesh with her, and make so grand a repast off +her dainty body as would suffice him all his life. He passed the +night saying, "oh yes; ah! I'll have her!" and "Curses am I not +her husband?" and "Devil take me," striking himself on the +forehead and tossing about. There are chances and occasions which +occur so opportunely in this world that little-minded men refuse +them credence, saying they are supernatural, but men of high +intellect know them to be true because they could not be +invented. One of the chances came to the poor advocate, even the +day after that terrible one which had been so sore a trial to +him. One of his clients, a man of good renown, who had his +audiences with the king, came one morning to the advocate, saying +that he required immediately a large sum of money, about 12,000 +crowns. To which the artful fellow replied, 12,000 crowns were +not so often met at the corner of a street as that which often is +seen at the corner of the street; that besides the sureties and +guarantees of interest, it was necessary to find a man who had +about him 12,000 crowns, and that those gentlemen were not +numerous in Paris, big city as it was, and various other things +of a like character the man of cunning remarked.</p> + +<p>"Is it true, my lord, the you have a hungry and relentless +creditor?" said he.</p> + +<p>"Yes, yes," replied the other, "it concerns the mistress of +the king. Don't breathe a syllable; but this evening, in +consideration of 20,000 crowns and my domain of Brie, I shall +take her measure."</p> + +<p>Upon this the advocate blanched, and the courtier perceived he +touched a tender point. As he had only lately returned from the +wars, he did not know that the lovely woman adored by the king +had a husband.</p> + +<p>"You appear ill," he said.</p> + +<p>"I have a fever," replied the knave. "But is it to her that +you give the contract and the money?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Who then manages the bargain? Is it she also?"</p> + +<p>"No," said the noble; "her little arrangements are concluded +through a servant of hers, the cleverest little ladies'-maid that +ever was. She's sharper than mustard, and these nights stolen +from the king have lined her pockets well."</p> + +<p>"I know a Lombard who would accommodate you. But nothing can +be done; of the 12,000 crowns you shall not have a brass farthing +if this same ladies'-maid does not come here to take the price of +the article that is so great an alchemist that turns blood into +gold, by Heaven!"</p> + +<p>"It will be a good trick to make her sign the receipt," +replied the lord, laughing.</p> + +<p>The servant came faithfully to the rendezvous with the +advocate, who had begged the lord to bring her. The ducats looked +bright and beautiful. There they lay all in a row, like nuns +going to vespers. Spread out upon the table they would have made +a donkey smile, even if he were being gutted alive; so lovely, so +splendid, were those brave noble young piles. The good advocate, +however, had prepared this view for no ass, for the little +handmaiden look longingly at the golden heap, and muttered a +prayer at the sight of them. Seeing which, the husband whispered +in her ear his golden words, "These are for you."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she; "I have never been so well paid."</p> + +<p>"My dear," replied the dear man, "you shall have them without +being troubled with me;" and turning her round, "Your client has +not told you who I am, eh? No? Learn then, I am the husband of +the lady whom the king has debauched, and whom you serve. Carry +her these crowns, and come back here. I will hand over yours to +you on a condition which will be to your taste."</p> + +<p>The servant did as she was bidden, and being very curious to +know how she could get 12,000 crowns without sleeping with the +advocate, was very soon back again.</p> + +<p>"Now, my little one," said he, "here are 12,000 crowns. With +this sum I could buy lands, men, women, and the conscience of +three priests at least; so that I believe if I give it to you I +can have you, body, soul, and toe nails. And I shall have faith +in you like an advocate, I expect that you will go to the lord +who expects to pass the night with my wife, and you will deceive +him, by telling him that the king is coming to supper with her, +and that to-night he must seek his little amusements elsewhere. +By so doing I shall be able to take his place and the +king's."</p> + +<p>"But how?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Oh!" replied he; "I have bought you, you and your tricks. You +won't have to look at these crowns twice without finding me a way +to have my wife. In bringing this conjunction about you commit no +sin. It is a work of piety to bring together two people whose +hands only been put one in to the other, and that by the +priest."</p> + +<p>"By my faith, come," said she; "after supper the lights will +be put out, and you can enjoy Madame if you remain silent. +Luckily, on these joyful occasions she cries more than she +speaks, and asks questions with her hands alone, for she is very +modest, and does not like loose jokes, like the ladies of the +Court."</p> + +<p>"Oh," cried the advocate, "look, take the 12,000 crowns, and I +promise you twice as much more if I get by fraud that which +belongs to me by right."</p> + +<p>Then he arranged the hour, the door, the signal, and all; and +the servant went away, bearing with her on the back of the mules +the golden treasure wrung by fraud and trickery from the widow +and the orphan, and they were all going to that place where +everything goes--save our lives, which come from it. Now behold +my advocate, who shaves himself, scents himself, goes without +onions for dinner that his breath may be sweet, and does +everything to make himself as presentable as a gallant signor. He +gives himself the airs of a young dandy, tries to be lithe and +frisky and to disguise his ugly face; he might try all he knew, +he always smelt of the musty lawyer. He was not so clever as the +pretty washerwoman of Portillon who one day wishing to appear at +her best before one of her lovers, got rid of a disagreeable +odour in a manner well known to young women of an inventive turn +of mind. But our crafty fellow fancied himself the nicest man in +the world, although in spite of his drugs and perfumes he was +really the nastiest. He dressed himself in his thinnest clothes +although the cold pinched him like a rope collar and sallied +forth, quickly gaining the Rue d'Hirundelle. There he had to wait +some time. But just as he was beginning to think he had been made +a fool of, and just as it was quite dark, the maid came down and +opened alike the door to him and good husband slipped gleefully +into the king's apartment. The girl locked him carefully in a +cupboard that was close to his wife's bed, and through a crack he +feasted his eyes upon her beauty, for she undressed herself +before the fire, and put on a thin nightgown, through which her +charms were plainly visible. Believing herself alone with her +maid she made those little jokes that women will when undressing. +"Am I not worth 20,000 crowns to-night? Is that overpaid with a +castle in Brie?"</p> + +<p>And saying this she gently raised two white supports, firm as +rocks, which had well sustained many assaults, seeing they had +been furiously attacked and had not softened. "My shoulders alone +are worth a kingdom; no king could make their equal. But I am +tired of this life. That which is hard work is no pleasure." The +little maid smiled, and her lovely mistress said to her, "I +should like to see you in my place." Then the maid laughed, +saying--</p> + +<p>"Be quiet, Madame, he is there."</p> + +<p>"Who?"</p> + +<p>"Your husband."</p> + +<p>"Which?"</p> + +<p>"The real one."</p> + +<p>"Chut!" said Madame.</p> + +<p>And her maid told her the whole story, wishing to keep her +favour and the 12,000 crowns as well.</p> + +<p>"Oh well, he shall have his money's worth. I'll give his +desires time to cool. If he tastes me may I lose my beauty and +become as ugly as a monkey's baby. You get into bed in my place +and thus gain the 12,000 crowns. Go and tell him that he must +take himself off early in the morning in order that I may not +find out your trick upon me, and just before dawn I will get in +by his side."</p> + +<p>The poor husband was freezing and his teeth were chattering, +and the chambermaid coming to the cupboard on pretence of getting +some linen, said to him, "Your hour of bliss approaches. Madame +to-night has made grand preparations and you will be well served. +But work without whistling, otherwise I shall be lost."</p> + +<p>At last, when the good husband was on the point of perishing +with cold, the lights were put out. The maid cried softly in the +curtains to the king's sweetheart, that his lordship was there, +and jumped into bed, while her mistress went out as if she had +been the chambermaid. The advocate, released from his cold +hiding-place, rolled rapturously into the warm sheets, thinking +to himself, "Oh! this is good!" To tell the truth, the maid gave +him his money's worth--and the good man thought of the difference +between the profusion of the royal houses and the niggardly ways +of the citizens' wives. The servant laughing, played her part +marvellously well, regaling the knave with gentle cries, +shiverings, convulsions and tossings about, like a newly-caught +fish on the grass, giving little Ah! Ah's! in default of other +words; and as often as the request was made by her, so often was +it complied with by the advocate, who dropped of to sleep at +last, like an empty pocket. But before finishing, the lover who +wished to preserve a souvenir of this sweet night of love, by a +dextrous turn, plucked out one of his wife's hairs, where from I +know not, seeing I was not there, and kept in his hand this +precious gauge of the warm virtue of that lovely creature. +Towards the morning, when the cock crew, the wife slipped in +beside her husband, and pretended to sleep. Then the maid tapped +gently on the happy man's forehead, whispering in his ear, "It is +time, get into your clothes and off you go--it's daylight." The +good man grieved to lose his treasure, and wished to see the +source of his vanished happiness.</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!" said he, proceeding to compare certain things, "I've +got light hair, and this is dark."</p> + +<p>"What have you done?" said the servant; "Madame will see she +has been duped."</p> + +<p>"But look."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, with an air of disdain, "do you not know, you +who knows everything, that that which is plucked dies and +discolours?" and thereupon roaring with laughter at the good +joke, she pushed him out of doors. This became known. The poor +advocate, named Feron, died of shame, seeing that he was the only +one who had not his own wife while she, who was from this was +called La Belle Feroniere, married, after leaving the king, a +young lord, Count of Buzancois. And in her old days she would +relate the story, laughingly adding, that she had never scented +the knave's flavour.</p> + +<p>This teaches us not to attach ourselves more than we can help +to wives who refuse to support our yoke.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE DEVIL'S HEIR</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>There once was a good old canon of Notre Dame de Paris, who +lived in a fine house of his own, near St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs, in +the Parvis. This canon had come a simple priest to Paris, naked +as a dagger without its sheath. But since he was found to be a +handsome man, well furnished with everything, and so well +constituted, that if necessary he was able to do the work of +many, without doing himself much harm, he gave himself up +earnestly to the confessing of ladies, giving to the melancholy a +gentle absolution, to the sick a drachm of his balm, to all some +little dainty. He was so well known for his discretion, his +benevolence, and other ecclesiastical qualities, that he had +customers at Court. Then in order not to awaken the jealousy of +the officials, that of the husbands and others, in short, to +endow with sanctity these good and profitable practices, the Lady +Desquerdes gave him a bone of St. Victor, by virtue of which all +the miracles were performed. And to the curious it was said, "He +has a bone which will cure everything;" and to this, no one found +anything to reply, because it was not seemly to suspect relics. +Beneath the shade of his cassock, the good priest had the best of +reputations, that of a man valiant under arms. So he lived like a +king. He made money with holy water; sprinkled it and transmitted +the holy water into good wine. More than that, his name lay +snugly in all the et ceteras of the notaries, in wills or in +caudicils, which certain people have falsely written CODICIL, +seeing that the word is derived from cauda, as if to say the tail +of the legacy. In fact, the good old Long Skirts would have been +made an archbishop if he had only said in joke, "I should like to +put on a mitre for a handkerchief in order to have my head +warmer." Of all the benefices offered to him, he chose only a +simple canon's stall to keep the good profits of the +confessional. But one day the courageous canon found himself weak +in the back, seeing that he was all sixty- eight years old, and +had held many confessionals. Then thinking over all his good +works, he thought it about time to cease his apostolic labours, +the more so, as he possessed about one hundred thousand crowns +earned by the sweat of his body. From that day he only confessed +ladies of high lineage, and did it very well. So that it was said +at Court that in spite of the efforts of the best young clerks +there was still no one but the Canon of St. Pierre-aux-Boeufs to +properly bleach the soul of a lady of condition. Then at length +the canon became by force of nature a fine nonagenarian, snowy +about the head, with trembling hands, but square as a tower, +having spat so much without coughing, that he coughed now without +being able to spit; no longer rising from his chair, he who had +so often risen for humanity; but drinking dry, eating heartily, +saying nothing, but having all the appearance of a living Canon +of Notre Dame. Seeing the immobility of the aforesaid canon; +seeing the stories of his evil life which for some time had +circulated among the common people, always ignorant; seeing his +dumb seclusion, his flourishing health, his young old age, and +other things too numerous to mention--there were certain people +who to do the marvellous and injure our holy religion, went about +saying that the true canon was long since dead, and that for more +than fifty years the devil had taken possession of the old +priest's body. In fact, it seemed to his former customers that +the devil could only by his great heat have furnished these +hermetic distillations, that they remembered to have obtained on +demand from this good confessor, who always had le diable au +corps. But as this devil had been undoubtedly cooked and ruined +by them, and that for a queen of twenty years he would not have +moved, well-disposed people and those not wanting in sense, or +the citizens who argued about everything, people who found lice +in bald heads, demanded why the devil rested under the form of a +canon, went to the Church of Notre Dame at the hours when the +canons usually go, and ventured so far as to sniff the perfume of +the incense, taste the holy water, and a thousand other things. +To these heretical propositions some said that doubtless the +devil wished to convert himself, and others that he remained in +the shape of the canon to mock at the three nephews and heirs of +this said brave confessor and make them wait until the day of +their own death for the ample succession of this uncle, to whom +they paid great attention every day, going to look if the good +man had his eyes open, and in fact found him always with his eye +clear, bright, and piercing as the eye of a basilisk, which +pleased them greatly, since they loved their uncle very much--in +words. On this subject an old woman related that for certain the +canon was the devil, because his two nephews, the procureur and +the captain, conducting their uncle at night, without a lamp, or +lantern, returning from a supper at the penitentiary's, had +caused him by accident to tumble over a heap of stones gathered +together to raise the statue of St. Christopher. At first the old +man had struck fire in falling, but was, amid the cries of his +dear nephews and by the light of the torches they came to seek at +her house found standing up as straight as a skittle and as gay +as a weaving whirl, exclaiming that the good wine of the +penitentiary had given him the courage to sustain this shock and +that his bones were exceedingly hard and had sustained rude +assaults. The good nephews believing him dead, were much +astonished, and perceived that the day that was to dispatch their +uncle was a long way off, seeing that at the business stones were +of no use. So that they did not falsely call him their good +uncle, seeing that he was of good quality. Certain scandalmongers +said that the canon found so many stones in his path that he +stayed at home not to be ill with the stone, and the fear of +worse was the cause of his seclusion.</p> + +<p>Of all these sayings and rumours, it remains that the old +canon, devil or not, kept his house, and refused to die, and had +three heirs with whom he lived as with his sciaticas, lumbagos, +and other appendage of human life. Of the said three heirs, one +was the wickedest soldier ever born of a woman, and he must have +considerably hurt her in breaking his egg, since he was born with +teeth and bristles. So that he ate, two-fold, for the present and +the future, keeping wenches whose cost he paid; inheriting from +his uncle the continuance, strength, and good use of that which +is often of service. In great battles, he endeavoured always to +give blows without receiving them, which is, and always will be, +the only problem to solve in war, but he never spared himself +there, and, in fact, as he had no other virtue except his +bravery, he was captain of a company of lancers, and much +esteemed by the Duke of Burgoyne, who never troubled what his +soldiers did elsewhere. This nephew of the devil was named +Captain Cochegrue; and his creditors, the blockheads, citizens, +and others, whose pockets he slit, called him the Mau-cinge, +since he was as mischievous as strong; but he had moreover his +back spoilt by the natural infirmity of a hump, and it would have +been unwise to attempt to mount thereon to get a good view, for +he would incontestably have run you through.</p> + +<p>The second had studied the laws, and through the favour of his +uncle had become a procureur, and practised at the palace, where +he did the business of the ladies, whom formerly the canon had +the best confessed. This one was called Pille-grue, to banter him +upon his real name, which was Cochegrue, like that of his brother +the captain. Pille-grue had a lean body, seemed to throw off very +cold water, was pale of face, and possessed a physiognomy like a +polecat.</p> + +<p>This notwithstanding, he was worth many a penny more than the +captain, and had for his uncle a little affection, but since +about two years his heart had cracked a little, and drop by drop +his gratitude had run out, in such a way that from time to time, +when the air was damp, he liked to put his feet into his uncle's +hose, and press in advance the juice of this good inheritance. He +and his brother, the soldier found their share very small, since +loyally, in law, in fact, in justice, in nature, and in reality, +it was necessary to give the third part of everything to a poor +cousin, son of another sister of the canon, the which heir, but +little loved by the good man, remained in the country, where he +was a shepherd, near Nanterre.</p> + +<p>The guardian of beasts, an ordinary peasant, came to town by +the advice of his two cousins, who placed him in their uncle's +house, in the hope that, as much by his silly tricks and his +clumsiness, his want of brain, and his ignorance, he would be +displeasing to the canon, who would kick him out of his will. Now +this poor Chiquon, as the shepherd was named, had lived about a +month alone with his old uncle, and finding more profit or more +amusement in minding an abbot than looking after sheep, made +himself the canon's dog, his servant, the staff of his old age, +saying, "God keep you," when he passed wind, "God save you," when +he sneezed, and "God guard you," when he belched; going to see if +it rained, where the cat was, remaining silent, listening, +speaking, receiving the coughs of the old man in his face, +admiring him as the finest canon there ever was in the world, all +heartily and in good faith, knowing that he was licking him after +the manner of animals who clean their young ones; and the uncle, +who stood in no need of learning which side the bread was +buttered, repulsed poor Chiquon, making him turn about like a +die, always calling him Chiquon, and always saying to his other +nephews that this Chiquon was helping to kill him, such a +numskull was he. Thereupon, hearing this, Chiquon determined to +do well by his uncle, and puzzled his understanding to appear +better; but as he had a behind shaped like a pair of pumpkins, +was broad shouldered, large limbed, and far from sharp, he more +resembled old Silenus than a gentle Zephyr. In fact, the poor +shepherd, a simple man, could not reform himself, so he remained +big and fat, awaiting his inheritance to make himself thin.</p> + +<p>One evening the canon began discoursing concerning the the +devil and the grave agonies, penances, tortures, etc., which God +will get warm for the accursed, and the good Chiquon hearing it, +began to open his eyes as wide as the door of an oven, at the +statement, without believing a word of it.</p> + +<p>"What," said the canon, "are you not a Christian?"</p> + +<p>"In that, yes," answered Chiquon.</p> + +<p>"Well, there is a paradise for the good; is it not necessary +to have a hell for the wicked?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mr. Canon; but the devil's of no use. If you had here a +wicked man who turned everything upside down; would you not kick +him out of doors?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"Oh, well, mine uncle; God would be very stupid to leave in +the this world, which he has so curiously constructed, an +abominable devil whose special business it is to spoil everything +for him. Pish! I recognise no devil if there be a good God; you +may depend upon that. I should very much like to see the devil. +Ha, ha! I am not afraid of his claws!"</p> + +<p>"And if I were of your opinion I should have no care of my +very youthful years in which I held confessions at least ten +times a day."</p> + +<p>"Confess again, Mr. Canon. I assure you that will be a +precious merit on high."</p> + +<p>"There, there! Do you mean it?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, Mr. Canon."</p> + +<p>"Thou dost not tremble, Chiquon, to deny the devil?"</p> + +<p>"I trouble no more about it than a sheaf of corn."</p> + +<p>"The doctrine will bring misfortune upon you."</p> + +<p>"By no means. God will defend me from the devil because I +believe him more learned and less stupid than the savans make him +out."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the two other nephews entered, and perceiving from +the voice of the canon that he did not dislike Chiquon very much, +and that the jeremiads which he had made concerning him were +simple tricks to disguise the affection which he bore him, looked +at each other in great astonishment.</p> + +<p>Then, seeing their uncle laughing, they said to him--</p> + +<p>"If you will make a will, to whom will you leave the +house?</p> + +<p>"To Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"And the quit rent of the Rue St. Denys?"</p> + +<p>"To Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"And the fief of Ville Parisis?"</p> + +<p>"To Chiquon."</p> + +<p>"But," said the captain, with his big voice, "everything then +will be Chiquon's."</p> + +<p>"No," replied the canon, smiling, "because I shall have made +my will in proper form, the inheritance will be to the sharpest +of you three; I am so near to the future, that I can therein see +clearly your destinies."</p> + +<p>And the wily canon cast upon Chiquon a glance full of malice, +like a decoy bird would have thrown upon a little one to draw him +into her net. The fire of his flaming eye enlightened the +shepherd, who from that moment had his understanding and his ears +all unfogged, and his brain open, like that of a maiden the day +after her marriage. The procureur and the captain, taking these +sayings for gospel prophecies, made their bow and went out from +the house, quite perplexed at the absurd designs of the +canon.</p> + +<p>"What do you think of Chiquon?" said Pille-grue to +Mau-cinge.</p> + +<p>"I think, I think," said the soldier, growling, "that I think +of hiding myself in the Rue d'Hierusalem, to put his head below +his feet; he can pick it up again if he likes."</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh!" said the procureur, "you have a way of wounding that +is easily recognised, and people would say 'It's Cochegrue.' As +for me, I thought to invite him to dinner, after which, we would +play at putting ourselves in a sack in order to see, as they do +at Court, who could walk best thus attired. Then having sewn him +up, we could throw him into the Seine, at the same time begging +him to swim."</p> + +<p>"This must be well matured," replied the soldier.</p> + +<p>"Oh! it's quite ripe," said the advocate. "The cousin gone to +the devil, the heritage would then be between us two."</p> + +<p>"I'm quite agreeable," said the fighter, "but we must stick as +close together as the two legs of the same body, for if you are +fine as silk, I as strong as steel, and daggers are always as +good as traps-- you hear that, my good brother."</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the advocate, "the cause is heard--now shall it be +the thread or the iron?"</p> + +<p>"Eh? ventre de Dieu! is it then a king that we are going to +settle? For a simple numskull of a shepherd are so many words +necessary? Come! 20,000 francs out of the Heritage to the one of +us who shall first cut him off: I'll say to him in good faith, +'Pick up your head.'"</p> + +<p>"And I, 'Swim my friend,'" cried the advocate, laughing like +the gap of a pourpoint.</p> + +<p>And then they went to supper, the captain to his wench, and +the advocate to the house of a jeweller's wife, of whom he was +the lover.</p> + +<p>Who was astonished? Chiquon! The poor shepherd heard the +planning of his death, although the two cousins had walked in the +parvis, and talked to each other as every one speaks at church +when praying to God. So that Chiquon was much coupled to know if +the words had come up or if his ears had gone down.</p> + +<p>"Do you hear, Mister Canon?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said he, "I hear the wood crackling in the fire."</p> + +<p>"Ho, ho!" replied Chiquon, "if I don't believe in the devil, I +believe in St. Michael, my guardian angel; I go there where he +calls me."</p> + +<p>"Go, my child," said the canon, "and take care not to wet +yourself, nor to get your head knocked off, for I think I hear +more rain, and the beggars in the street are not always the most +dangerous beggars."</p> + +<p>At these words Chiquon was much astonished, and stared at the +canon; found his manner gay, his eye sharp, and his feet crooked; +but as he had to arrange matters concerning the death which +menaced him, he thought to himself that he would always have +leisure to admire the canon, or to cut his nails, and he trotted +off quickly through the town, as a little woman trots towards her +pleasure.</p> + +<p>His two cousins having no presumption of the divinatory +science, of which shepherds have had many passing attacks, had +often talked before him of their secret goings on, counting him +as nothing.</p> + +<p>Now one evening, to amuse the canon, Pille-grue had recounted +to him how had fallen in love with him a wife of a jeweller on +whose head he had adjusted certain carved, burnished, sculptured, +historical horns, fit for the brow of a prince. The good lady was +to hear him, a right merry wench, quick at opportunities, giving +an embrace while her husband was mounting the stairs, devouring +the commodity as if she was swallowing a a strawberry, only +thinking of love-making, always trifling and frisky, gay as an +honest woman who lacks nothing, contenting her husband, who +cherished her so much as he loved his own gullet; subtle as a +perfume, so much so, that for five years she managed so well with +his household affairs, and her own love affairs, that she had the +reputation of a prudent woman, the confidence of her husband, the +keys of the house, the purse, and all.</p> + +<p>"And when do you play upon this gentle flute?" said the +canon.</p> + +<p>"Every evening and sometimes I stay all the night."</p> + +<p>"But how?" said the canon, astonished.</p> + +<p>"This is how. There is a room close to, a chest into which I +get. When the good husband returns from his friend the draper's, +where he goes to supper every evening, because often he helps the +draper's wife in her work, my mistress pleads a slight illness, +lets him go to bed alone, and comes to doctor her malady in the +room where the chest is. On the morrow, when my jeweller is at +his forge, I depart, and as the house has one exit on to the +bridge, and another into the street, I always come to the door +when the husband is not, on the pretext of speaking to him of his +suits, which commence joyfully and heartily, and I never let them +come to an end. It is an income from cuckoldom, seeing that in +the minor expenses and loyal costs of the proceedings, he spends +as much as on the horses in his stable. He loves me well, as all +good cuckolds should love the man who aids them, to plant, +cultivate, water and dig the natural garden of Venus, and he does +nothing without me."</p> + +<p>Now these practices came back again to the memory of the +shepherd, who was illuminated by the light issuing from his +danger, and counselled by the intelligence of those measures of +self-preservation, of which every animal possesses a sufficient +dose to go to the end of his ball of life. So Chiquon gained with +hasty feet the Rue de la Calandre, where the jeweller should be +supping with his companion, and after having knocked at the door, +replied to question put to him through the little grill, that he +was a messenger on state secrets, and was admitted to the +draper's house. Now coming straight to the fact, he made the +happy jeweller get up from his table, led him to a corner, and +said to him: "If one of your neighbours had planted a horn on +your forehead and he was delivered to you, bound hand and foot, +would you throw him into the river?"</p> + +<p>"Rather," said the jeweller, "but if you are mocking me I'll +give you a good drubbing."</p> + +<p>"There, there!" replied Chiquon, "I am one of your friends and +come to warn you that as many times as you have conversed with +the draper's wife here, as often has your own wife been served +the same way by the advocate Pille-grue, and if you will come +back to your forge, you will find a good fire there. On your +arrival, he who looks after your you- know-what, to keep it in +good order, gets into the big clothes chest. Now make a pretence +that I have bought the said chest of you, and I will be upon the +bridge with a cart, waiting your orders."</p> + +<p>The said jeweller took his cloak and his hat, and parted +company with his crony without saying a word, and ran to his hole +like a poisoned rat. He arrives and knocks, the door is opened, +he runs hastily up the stairs, finds two covers laid, sees his +wife coming out of the chamber of love, and then says to her, "My +dear, here are two covers laid."</p> + +<p>"Well, my darling are we not two?"</p> + +<p>"No," said he, "we are three."</p> + +<p>"Is your friend coming?" said she, looking towards the stairs +with perfect innocence.</p> + +<p>"No, I speak of the friend who is in the chest."</p> + +<p>"What chest?" said she. "Are you in your sound senses? Where +do you see a chest? Is the usual to put friends in chests? Am I a +woman to keep chests full of friends? How long have friends been +kept in chests? Are you come home mad to mix up your friends with +your chests? I know no other friend then Master Cornille the +draper, and no other chest than the one with our clothes in."</p> + +<p>"Oh!," said the jeweller, "my good woman, there is a bad young +man, who has come to warn me that you allow yourself to be +embraced by our advocate, and that he is in the chest."</p> + +<p>"I!" said she, "I would not put up with his knavery, he does +everything the wrong way."</p> + +<p>"There, there, my dear," replied the jeweller, "I know you to +be a good woman, and won't have a squabble with you about this +paltry chest. The giver of the warning is a box-maker, to whom I +am about to sell this cursed chest that I wish never again to see +in my house, and for this one he will sell me two pretty little +ones, in which there will not be space enough even for a child; +thus the scandal and the babble of those envious of your virtue +will be extinguished for want of nourishment."</p> + +<p>"You give me great pleasure," said she; "I don't attach any +value to my chest, and by chance there is nothing in it. Our +linen is at the wash. It will be easy to have the mischievous +chest taken away tomorrow morning. Will you sup?"</p> + +<p>"Not at all," said he, "I shall sup with a better appetite +without the chest."</p> + +<p>"I see," said she, "that you won't easily get the chest out of +your head."</p> + +<p>"Halloa, there!" said the jeweller to his smiths and +apprentices; "come down!"</p> + +<p>In the twinkling of an eye his people were before him. Then +he, their master, having briefly ordered the handling of the said +chest, this piece of furniture dedicated to love was tumbled +across the room, but in passing the advocate, finding his feet in +the air to the which he was not accustomed, tumbled over a +little.</p> + +<p>"Go on," said the wife, "go on, it's the lid shaking."</p> + +<p>"No, my dear, it's the bolt."</p> + +<p>And without any other opposition the chest slid gently down +the stairs.</p> + +<p>"Ho there, carrier!" said the jeweller, and Chiquon came +whistling his mules, and the good apprentices lifted the +litigious chest into the cart.</p> + +<p>"Hi, hi!" said the advocate.</p> + +<p>"Master, the chest is speaking," said an apprentice.</p> + +<p>"In what language?" said the jeweller, giving him a good kick +between two features that luckily were not made of glass. The +apprentice tumbled over on to a stair in a way that induced him +to discontinue his studies in the language of chests. The +shepherd, accompanied by the good jeweller, carried all the +baggage to the water-side without listening to the high eloquence +of the speaking wood, and having tied several stones to it, the +jeweller threw it into the Seine.</p> + +<p>"Swim, my friend," cried the shepherd, in a voice sufficiently +jeering at the moment when the chest turned over, giving a pretty +little plunge like a duck.</p> + +<p>Then Chiqoun continued to proceed along the quay, as far as +the Rue- du-port, St Laudry, near the cloisters of Notre Dame. +There he noticed a house, recognised the door, and knocked +loudly.</p> + +<p>"Open," said he, "open by order of the king."</p> + +<p>Hearing this an old man who was no other than the famous +Lombard, Versoris, ran to the door.</p> + +<p>"What is it?" said he.</p> + +<p>"I am sent by the provost to warn you to keep good watch +tonight," replied Chiquon, "as for his own part he will keep his +archers ready. The hunchback who has robbed you has come back +again. Keep under arms, for he is quite capable of easing you of +the rest."</p> + +<p>Having said this, the good shepherd took to his heels and ran +to the Rue des Marmouzets, to the house where Captain Cochegrue +was feasting with La Pasquerette, the prettiest of town-girls, +and the most charming in perversity that ever was; according to +all the gay ladies, her glance was sharp and piercing as the stab +of a dagger. Her appearance was so tickling to the sight, that it +would have put all Paradise to rout. Besides which she was as +bold as a woman who has no other virtue than her insolence. Poor +Chiquon was greatly embarrassed while going to the quarter of the +Marmouzets. He was greatly afraid that he would be unable to find +the house of La Pasquerette, or find the two pigeons gone to +roost, but a good angel arranged there speedily to his +satisfaction. This is how. On entering the Rue des Marmouzets he +saw several lights at the windows and night-capped heads thrust +out, and good wenches, gay girls, housewives, husbands, and young +ladies, all of them are just out of bed, looking at each other as +if a robber were being led to execution by torchlight.</p> + +<p>"What's the matter?" said the shepherd to a citizen who in +great haste had rushed to the door with a chamber utensil in his +hand.</p> + +<p>"Oh! it's nothing," replied the good man. "We thought it was +the Armagnacs descending upon the town, but it's only Mau-cinge +beating La Pasquerette."</p> + +<p>"Where?" asked the shepherd.</p> + +<p>"Below there, at that fine house where the pillars have the +mouths of flying frogs delicately carved upon them. Do you hear +the varlets and the serving maids?"</p> + +<p>And in fact there was nothing but cries of "Murder! Help! Come +some one!" and in the house blows raining down and the Mau-cinge +said with his gruff voice:</p> + +<p>"Death to the wench! Ah, you sing out now, do you? Ah, you +want your money now, do you? Take that--"</p> + +<p>And La Pasquerette was groaning, "Oh! oh! I die! Help! Help! +Oh! oh!" Then came the blow of a sword and the heavy fall of a +light body of the fair girl sounded, and was followed by a great +silence, after which the lights were put out, servants, waiting +women, roysterers, and others went in again, and the shepherd who +had come opportunely mounted the stairs in company with them, but +on beholding in the room above broken glasses, slit carpets, and +the cloth on the floor with the dishes, everyone remained at a +distance.</p> + +<p>The shepherd, bold as a man with but one end in view, opened +the door of the handsome chamber where slept La Pasquerette, and +found her quite exhausted, her hair dishevelled, and her neck +twisted, lying upon a bloody carpet, and Mau-cinge frightened, +with his tone considerably lower, and not knowing upon what note +to sing the remainder of his anthem.</p> + +<p>"Come, my little Pasquerette, don't pretend to be dead. Come, +let me put you tidy. Ah! little minx, dead or alive, you look so +pretty in your blood I'm going to kiss you." Having said which +the cunning soldier took her and threw her upon the bed, but she +fell there all of a heap, and stiff as the body of a man that had +been hanged. Seeing which her companion found it was time for his +hump to retire from the game; however, the artful fellow before +slinking away said, "Poor Pasquerette, how could I murder so good +of girl, and one I loved so much? But, yes, I have killed her, +the thing is clear, for in her life never did her sweet breast +hang down like that. Good God, one would say it was a crown at +the bottom of a wallet. Thereupon Pasquerette opened her eyes and +then bent her head slightly to look at her flesh, which was white +and firm, and she brought herself to life by a box on the ears, +administered to the captain.</p> + +<p>"That will teach you to beware of the dead," said she, +smiling.</p> + +<p>"And why did he kill you, my cousin?" asked the shepherd.</p> + +<p>"Why? Tomorrow the bailiffs seize everything that's here, and +he who has no more money than virtue, reproached me because I +wished to be agreeable to a handsome gentlemen, who would save me +from the hands of justice.</p> + +<p>"Pasquerette, I'll break every bone in your skin."</p> + +<p>"There, there!" said Chiquon, whom the Mau-cinge had just +recognised, "is that all? Oh, well, my good friend, I bring you a +large sum."</p> + +<p>"Where from?" asked the captain, astonished.</p> + +<p>"Come here, and let me whisper in your ear--if 30,000 crowns +were walking about at night under the shadow of a pear-tree, +would you not stoop down to pluck them, to prevent them +spoiling?"</p> + +<p>"Chiquon, I'll kill you like a dog if you are making game of +me, or I will kiss you there where you like it, if you will put +me opposite 30,000 crowns, even when it shall be necessary to +kill three citizens at the corner of the Quay."</p> + +<p>"You will not even kill one. This is how the matter stands. I +have for a sweetheart in all loyalty, the servant of the Lombard +who is in the city near the house of our good uncle. Now I have +just learned on sound information that this dear man has departed +this morning into the country after having hidden under a +pear-tree in his garden a good bushel of gold, believing himself +to be seen only by the angels. But the girl who had by chance a +bad toothache, and was taking the air at her garret window, spied +the old crookshanks, without wishing to do so, and chattered of +it to me in fondness. If you will swear to give me a good share I +will lend you my shoulders in order that you may climb on to the +top of the wall and from there throw yourself into the pear-tree, +which is against the wall. There, now do you say that I am a +blockhead, an animal?"</p> + +<p>"No, you are a right loyal cousin, an honest man, and if you +have ever to put an enemy out off the way, I am there, ready to +kill even one of my own friends for you. I am no longer your +cousin, but your brother. Ho there! sweetheart," cried Mau-cinge +to La Pasquerette, "put the tables straight, wipe up your blood, +it belongs to me, and I'll pay you for it by giving you a hundred +times as much of mine as I have taken of thine. Make the best of +it, shake the black dog, off your back, adjust your petticoats, +laugh, I wish it, look to the stew, and let us recommence our +evening prayer where we left it off. Tomorrow I'll make thee +braver than a queen. This is my cousin whom I wish to entertain, +even when to do so it were necessary to turn the house out of +windows. We shall get back everything tomorrow in the cellars. +Come, fall to!"</p> + +<p>Thus, and in less time than it takes a priest to say his +Dominus vobiscum, the whole rookery passed from tears to laughter +as it had previously from laughter to tears. It is only in these +houses of ill- fame that love is made with the blow of a dagger, +and where tempests of joy rage between four walls. But these are +things ladies of the high-neck dress do not understand.</p> + +<p>The said captain Cochegrue was gay as a hundred schoolboys at +the breaking up of class, and made his good cousin drink deeply, +who spilled everything country fashion, and pretended to be +drunk, spluttering out a hundred stupidities, as, that "tomorrow +he would buy Paris, would lend a hundred thousand crowns to the +king, that he would be able to roll in gold;" in fact, talked so +much nonsense that the captain, fearing some compromising avowal +and thinking his brain quite muddled enough, led him outside with +the good intention, instead of sharing with him, of ripping +Chiquon open to see if he had not a sponge in his stomach, +because he had just soaked in a big quart of the good wine of +Suresne. They went along, disputing about a thousand theological +subjects which got very much mixed up, and finished by rolling +quietly up against the garden where were the crowns of the +Lombard. Then Cochegrue, making a ladder of Chiquon's broad +shoulders, jumped on to the pear-tree like a man expert in +attacks upon towns, but Versoris, who was watching him, made a +blow at his neck, and repeated it so vigorously that with three +blows fell the upper portion of the said Cochegrue, but not until +he had heard the clear voice of the shepherd, who cried to him, +"Pick up your head, my friend." Thereupon the generous Chiquon, +in whom virtue received its recompense, thought it would be wise +to return to the house of the good canon, whose heritage was by +the grace of God considerably simplified. Thus he gained the Rue +St. Pierre-Aux-Boeufs with all speed, and soon slept like a +new-born baby, no longer knowing the meaning of the word +"cousin-german." Now, on the morrow he rose according to the +habit of shepherds, with the sun, and came into his uncle's room +to inquire if he spat white, if he coughed, if he had slept well; +but the old servant told him that the canon, hearing the bells of +St Maurice, the first patron of Notre Dame, ring for matins, he +had gone out of reverence to the cathedral, where all the Chapter +were to breakfast with the Bishop of Paris; upon which Chiquon +replied: "Is his reverence the canon out of his senses thus to +disport himself, to catch a cold, to get rheumatism? Does he wish +to die? I'll light a big fire to warm him when he returns;" and +the good shepherd ran into the room where the canon generally +sat, and to his great astonishment beheld him seated in his +chair.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah! What did she mean, that fool of a Bruyette? I knew +you were too well advised to be shivering at this hour in your +stall."</p> + +<p>The canon said not a word. The shepherd who was like all +thinkers, a man of hidden sense, was quite aware that sometimes +old men have strange crotchets, converse with the essence of +occult things, and mumble to themselves discourses concerning +matters not under consideration; so that, from reverence and +great respect for the secret meditations of the canon, he went +and sat down at a distance, and waited the termination of these +dreams; noticing, silently the length of the good man's nails, +which looked like cobbler's awls, and looking attentively at the +feet of his uncle, he was astonished to see the flesh of his legs +so crimson, that it reddened his breeches and seemed all on fire +through his hose.</p> + +<p>He is dead, thought Chiquon. At this moment the door of the +room opened, and he still saw the canon, who, his nose frozen, +came back from church.</p> + +<p>"Ho, ho!" said Chiquon, "my dear Uncle, are you out of your +senses? Kindly take notice that you ought not to be at the door, +because you are already seated in your chair in the chimney +corner, and that it is impossible for there to be two canons like +you in the world."</p> + +<p>"Ah! Chiquon, there was a time when I could have wished to be +in two places at once, but such is not the fate of a man, he +would be too happy. Are you getting dim-sighted? I am alone +here."</p> + +<p>Then Chiquon turned his head towards the chair, and found it +empty; and much astonished, as you will easily believe, he +approached it, and found on the seat a little pat of cinders, +from which ascended a strong odour of sulphur.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said he merrily, "I perceive that the devil has behaved +well towards me--I will pray God for him."</p> + +<p>And thereupon he related naively to the canon how the devil +had amused himself by playing at providence, and had loyally +aided him to get rid of his wicked cousins, the which the canon +admired much, and thought very good, seeing that he had plenty of +good sense left, and often had observed things which were to the +devil's advantage. So the good old priest remarked that 'as much +good was always met with in evil as evil in good, and that +therefore one should not trouble too much after the other world, +the which was a grave heresy, which many councils have put +right'.</p> + +<p>And this was how the Chiquons became rich, and were able in +these times, by the fortunes of their ancestors, to help to build +the bridge of St. Michael, where the devil cuts a very good +figure under the angel, in memory of this adventure now consigned +to these veracious histories.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE MERRY JESTS OF KING LOUIS THE +ELEVENTH</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>King Louis The Eleventh was a merry fellow, loving a good +joke, and-- the interests of his position as king, and those of +the church on one side--he lived jovially, giving chase to soiled +doves as often as to hares, and other royal game. Therefore, the +sorry scribblers who have made him out a hypocrite, showed +plainly that they knew him not, since he was a good friend, good +at repartee, and a jollier fellow than any of them.</p> + +<p>It was he who said when he was in a merry mood, that four +things are excellent and opportune in life--to keep warm, to +drink cool, to stand up hard, and to swallow soft. Certain +persons have accused him of taking up with a dirty trollops; this +is a notorious falsehood, since all his mistresses, of whom one +was legitimised, came of good houses and had notable +establishments. He did not go in for waste and extravagance, +always put his hand upon the solid, and because certain devourers +of the people found no crumbs at his table, they have all +maligned him. But the real collector of facts know that the said +king was a capital fellow in private life, and even very +agreeable; and before cutting off the heads of his friends, or +punishing them--for he did not spare them--it was necessary that +they should have greatly offended him, and his vengeance was +always justice; I have only seen in our friend Verville that this +worthy sovereign ever made a mistake; but one does not make a +habit, and even for this his boon companion Tristan was more to +blame than he, the king. This is the circumstance related by the +said Verville, and I suspect he was cracking a joke. I reproduce +it because certain people are not familiar with the exquisite +work of my perfect compatriot. I abridge it and only give the +substance, the details being more ample, of which facts the +savans are not ignorant.</p> + +<p>Louis XI. had given the Abbey of Turpenay (mentioned in +'Imperia') to a gentleman who, enjoying the revenue, had called +himself Monsieur de Turpenay. It happened that the king being at +Plessis-les-Tours, the real abbot, who was a monk, came and +presented himself before the king, and presented also a petition, +remonstrating with him that, canonically and a monastically, he +was entitled to the abbey and that the usurping gentleman wronged +of his right, and therefore he called upon his majesty to have +justice done to him. Nodding his peruke, the king promised to +render him contented. This monk, importunate as are all hooded +animals, came often at the end of the king's meals, who, bored +with the holy water of the convent, called friend Tristan and +said to him: "Old fellow, there is here a Turpenay who angers me, +rid the world of him for me." Tristan, taking a frock for a monk, +or a monk for a frock, came to this gentleman, whom all the court +called Monsieur de Turpenay, and having accosted him managed to +lead him to one side, and taking him by the button-hole gave him +to understand that the king desired he should die. He tried to +resist, supplicating and supplicating to escape, but in no way +could he obtain a hearing. He was delicately strangled between +the head and shoulders, so that he expired; and, three hours +afterwards, Tristan told the king that he was discharged. It +happened five days afterwards, which is the space in which souls +come back again, that the monk came into the room where the king +was, and when he saw him he was much astonished. Tristan was +present: the king called him, and whispered into his ear--</p> + +<p>"You have not done that which I told you to."</p> + +<p>"Saving your Grace I have done it. Turpenay is dead."</p> + +<p>"Eh? I meant this monk."</p> + +<p>"I understood the gentleman!"</p> + +<p>"What, is it done then?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, sire,"</p> + +<p>"Very well then"--turning towards the monk--"come here, monk." +The monk approached. The king said to him, "Kneel down!" The poor +monk began to shiver in his shoes. But the king said to him, +"Thank God that he has not willed that you should be killed as I +had ordered. He who took your estates has been instead. God has +done you justice. Go and pray God for me, and don't stir out of +your convent."</p> + +<p>The proves the good-heartedness of Louis XI. He might very +well have hanged the monk, the cause of the error. As for the +said gentleman, he died in the king's service.</p> + +<p>In the early days of his sojourn at Plessis-les-Tours king +Louis, not wishing to hold his drinking-bouts and give vent to +his rakish propensities in his chateau, out of respect to her +Majesty (a kingly delicacy which his successors have not +possessed) became enamoured of a lady named Nicole Beaupertuys, +who was, to tell the truth, wife of a citizen of the town. The +husband he sent into Ponent, and put the said Nicole in a house +near Chardonneret, in that part which is the Rue Quincangrogne, +because it was a lonely place, far from other habitations. The +husband and the wife were thus both in his service, and he had by +La Beaupertuys a daughter, who died a nun. This Nicole had a +tongue as sharp as a popinjay's, was of stately proportions, +furnished with large beautiful cushions of nature, firm to the +touch, white as the wings of an angel, and known for the rest to +be fertile in peripatetic ways, which brought it to pass that +never with her was the same thing encountered twice in love, so +deeply had she studied the sweet solutions of the science, the +manners of accommodating the olives of Poissy, the expansions of +the nerves, and hidden doctrines of the breviary, the which much +delighted the king. She was as gay as a lark, always laughing and +singing, and never made anyone miserable, which is the +characteristic of women of this open and free nature, who have +always an occupation--an equivocal one if you like. The king +often went with the hail-fellows his friends to the lady's house, +and in order not to be seen always went at night-time, and +without his suite. But being always distrustful, and fearing some +snare, he gave to Nicole all the most savage dogs he had in his +kennels, beggars that would eat a man without saying "By your +leave," the which royal dogs knew only Nicole and the king. When +the Sire came Nicole let them loose in the garden, and the door +of the house being sufficiently barred and closely shut, the king +put the keys in his pocket, and in perfect security gave himself +up, with his satellites, to every kind of pleasure, fearing no +betrayal, jumping about at will, playing tricks, and getting up +good games. Upon these occasions friend Tristan watched the +neighbourhood, and anyone who had taken a walk on the Mall of +Chardonneret would be rather quickly placed in a position in +which it would have been easy to give the passers-by a +benediction with his feet, unless he had the king's pass, since +often would Louis send out in search of lasses for his friends, +or people to entertain him with the amusements suggested by +Nicole or the guests. People of Tours were there for these little +amusements, to whom he gently recommended silence, so that no one +knew of these pastimes until after his death. The farce of +"Baisez mon cul" was, it is said, invented by the said Sire. I +will relate it, although it is not the subject of this tale, +because it shows the natural comicality and humour of this merry +monarch. They were at Tours three well known misers: the first +was Master Cornelius, who is sufficiently well known; the second +was called Peccard, and sold the gilt-work, coloured papers, and +jewels used in churches; the third was hight Marchandeau, and was +a very wealthy vine-grower. These two men of Touraine were the +founders of good families, notwithstanding their sordidness. One +evening that the king was with Beaupertuys, in a good humour, +having drunk heartily, joked heartily, and offered early in the +evening his prayer in Madame's oratory, he said to Le Daim his +crony, to the Cardinal, La Balue, and to old Dunois, who were +still soaking, "Let us have a good laugh! I think it will be a +good joke to see misers before a bag of gold without being able +to touch it. Hi, there!"</p> + +<p>Hearing which, appeared one of his varlets.</p> + +<p>"Go," said he, "seek my treasurer, and let him bring hither +six thousand gold crowns--and at once! And you will go and seize +the bodies of my friend Cornelius, of the jeweller of the Rue de +Cygnes, and of old Marchandeau, and bring them here, by order of +the king."</p> + +<p>Then he began to drink again, and to judiciously wrangle as to +which was the better, a woman with a gamy odour or a woman who +soaped herself well all over; a thin one or a stout one; and as +the company comprised the flower of wisdom it was decided that +the best was the one a man had all to himself like a plate of +warm mussels, at that precise moment when God sent him a good +idea to communicate to her. The cardinal asked which was the most +precious thing to a lady; the first or the last kiss? To which La +Beaupertuys replied: "that it was the last, seeing that she knew +then what she was losing, while at the first she did not know +what she would gain." During these sayings, and others which have +most unfortunately been lost, came the six thousand gold crowns, +which were worth all three hundred thousand francs of to-day, so +much do we go on decreasing in value every day. The king ordered +the crowns to be arranged upon a table, and well lighted up, so +that they shone like the eyes of the company which lit up +involuntarily, and made them laugh in spite of themselves. They +did not wait long for the three misers, whom the varlet led in, +pale and panting, except Cornelius, who knew the king's strange +freaks.</p> + +<p>"Now then, my friends," said Louis to them, "have a good look +at the crowns on the table."</p> + +<p>And the three townsmen nibbled at them with their eyes. You +may reckon that the diamond of La Beaupertuys sparkled less than +their little minnow eyes.</p> + +<p>"These are yours," added the king.</p> + +<p>Thereupon they ceased to admire the crowns to look at each +other; and the guests knew well that old knaves are more expert +in grimaces than any others, because of their physiognomies +becoming tolerably curious, like those of cats lapping up milk, +or girls titillated with marriage.</p> + +<p>"There," said the king, "all that shall be his who shall say +three times to the two others, 'Baisez mon cul', thrusting his +hand into the gold; but if he be not as serious as a fly who had +violated his lady- love, if he smile while repeating the jest, he +will pay ten crowns to Madame. Nevertheless he can essay three +times."</p> + +<p>"That will soon be earned," said Cornelius, who, being a +Dutchman, had his lips as often compressed and serious as +Madame's mouth was often open and laughing. Then he bravely put +his hands on the crowns to see if they were good, and clutched +them bravely, but as he looked at the others to say civilly to +them, "Baisez mon cul," the two misers, distrustful of his Dutch +gravity, replied, "Certainly, sir," as if he had sneezed. The +which caused all the company to laugh, and even Cornelius +himself. When the vine-grower went to take the crowns he felt +such a commotion in his cheeks that his old scummer face let +little laughs exude from its pores like smoke pouring out of a +chimney, and he could say nothing. Then it was the turn of the +jeweller, who was a little bit of a bantering fellow, and whose +lips were as tightly squeezed as the neck of a hanged man. He +seized a handful of the crowns, looked at the others, even the +king, and said, with a jeering air, "Baisez mon cul."</p> + +<p>"Is it dirty?" asked the vine-dresser.</p> + +<p>"Look and see," replied the jeweller, gravely.</p> + +<p>Thereupon the king began to tremble for these crowns, since +the said Peccard began again, without laughing, and for the third +time was about to utter the sacramental word, when La Beaupertuys +made a sign of consent to his modest request, which caused him to +lose his countenance, and his mouth broke up into dimples.</p> + +<p>"How did you do it?" asked Dunois, "to keep a grave face +before six thousand crowns?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, my lord, I thought first of one of my cases which is +tried tomorrow, and secondly, of my wife who is a sorry +plague."</p> + +<p>The desire to gain this good round sum made them try again, +and the king amused himself for about an hour at the expression +of these faces, the preparations, jokes, grimaces, and other +monkey's paternosters that they performed; but they were bailing +their boats with a sieve, and for men who preferred closing their +fists to opening them it was a bitter sorrow to have to count +out, each one, a hundred crown to Madame.</p> + +<p>When they were gone, and Nicole said boldly to the king, "Sire +will you let me try?"</p> + +<p>"Holy Virgin!" replied Louis; "no! I can kiss you for less +money."</p> + +<p>That was said like a thrifty man, which indeed he always +was.</p> + +<p>One evening the fat Cardinal La Balue carried on gallantly +with words and actions, a little farther than the canons of the +Church permitted him, with this Beaupertuys, who luckily for +herself, was a clever hussy, not to be asked with impunity how +many holes there were in her mother's chemise.</p> + +<p>"Look you here, Sir Cardinal!" said she; "the thing which the +king likes is not to receive the holy oils."</p> + +<p>Then came Oliver le Daim, whom she would not listen to either, +and to whose nonsense she replied, that she would ask the king if +he wished her to be shaved.</p> + +<p>Now as the said shaver did not supplicate her to keep his +proposals secret, she suspected that these little plots were +ruses practised by the king, whose suspicions had perhaps been +aroused by her friends. Now, for being able to revenge herself +upon Louis, she at least determined to pay out the said lords, to +make fools of them, and amuse the king with the tricks she would +play upon them. One evening that they had come to supper, she had +a lady of the city with her, who wished to speak with the king. +This lady was a lady of position, who wished asked the king +pardon for her husband, the which, in consequence of this +adventure, she obtained. Nicole Beaupertuys having led the king +aside for a moment into an antechamber, told him to make their +guests drink hard and eat to repletion; that he was to make merry +and joke with them; but when the cloth was removed, he was to +pick quarrels with them about trifles, dispute their words, and +be sharp with them; and that she would then divert him by turning +them inside out before him. But above all things, he was to be +friendly to the said lady, and it was to appear as genuine, as if +she enjoyed the perfume of his favour, because she had gallantly +lent herself to this good joke.</p> + +<p>"Well, gentlemen," said the king, re-entering the room, "let +us fall to; we have had a good day's sport."</p> + +<p>And the surgeon, the cardinal, a fat bishop, the captain of +the Scotch Guard, a parliamentary envoy, and a judge loved of the +king, followed the two ladies into the room where one rubs the +rust off one's jaw bones. And there they lined the mold of their +doublets. What is that? It is to pave the stomach, to practice +the chemistry of nature, to register the various dishes, to +regale your tripes, to dig your grave with your teeth, play with +the sword of Cain, to inter sauces, to support a cuckold. But +more philosophically it is to make ordure with one's teeth. Now, +do you understand? How many words does it require to burst open +the lid of your understanding?</p> + +<p>The king did not fail to distill into his guests this splendid +and first-class supper. He stuffed them with green peas, +returning to the hotch-potch, praising the plums, commending the +fish, saying to one, "Why do you not eat?" to another, "Drink to +Madame"; to all of them, "Gentlemen, taste these lobsters; put +this bottle to death! You do not know the flavour of this +forcemeat. And these lampreys--ah! what do you say to them? And +by the Lord! The finest barbel ever drawn from the Loire! Just +stick your teeth into this pastry. This game is my own hunting; +he who takes it not offends me." And again, "Drink, the king's +eyes are the other way. Just give your opinion of these +preserves, they are Madame's own. Have some of these grapes, they +are my own growing. Have some medlars." And while inducing them +to swell out their abdominal protuberances, the good monarch +laughed with them, and they joked and disputed, and spat, and +blew their noses, and kicked up just as though the king had not +been with them. Then so much victuals had been taken on board, so +many flagons drained and stews spoiled, that the faces of the +guests were the colour of cardinals gowns, and their doublets +appeared ready to burst, since they were crammed with meat like +Troyes sausages from the top to the bottom of their paunches. +Going into the saloon again, they broke into a profuse sweat, +began to blow, and to curse their gluttony. The king sat quietly +apart; each of them was the more willing to be silent because all +their forces were required for the intestinal digestion of the +huge platefuls confined in their stomachs, which began to wabble +and rumble violently. One said to himself, "I was stupid to eat +of that sauce." Another scolded himself for having indulged in a +plate of eels cooked with capers. Another thought to himself, +"Oh! oh! The forcemeat is serving me out." The cardinal, who was +the biggest bellied man of the lot, snorted through his nostrils +like a frightened horse. It was he who was first compelled to +give vent to a loud sounding belch, and then he soon wished +himself in Germany, where this is a form of salutation, for the +king hearing this gastric language looked at the cardinal with +knitted brows.</p> + +<p>"What does this mean?" said he, "am I a simple clerk?"</p> + +<p>This was heard with terror, because usually the king made much +of a good belch well off the stomach. The other guests determined +to get rid in another way of the vapours which were dodging about +in their pancreatic retorts; and at first they endeavoured to +hold them for a little while in the pleats of their mesenteries. +It was then that some of them puffed and swelled like +tax-gatherers. Beaupertuys took the good king aside and said to +him--</p> + +<p>"Know now that I have had made by the Church jeweller Peccard, +two large dolls, exactly resembling this lady and myself. Now +when hard- pressed by the drugs which I have put in their +goblets, they desire to mount the throne to which we are now +about to pretend to go, they will always find the place taken; by +this means you will enjoy their writhings."</p> + +<p>Thus having said, La Beaupertuys disappeared with the lady to +go and turn the wheel, after the custom of women, and of which I +will tell you the origin in another place. And after an honest +lapse of water, Beaupertuys came back alone, leaving it to be +believed that she had left the lady at the little laboratory of +natural alchemy. Thereupon the king, singling out the cardinal, +made him get up, and talked with him seriously of his affairs, +holding him by the tassel of his amice. To all that the king +said, La Balue replied, "Yes, sir," to be delivered from this +favour, and slip out of the room, since the water was in his +cellars, and he was about to lose the key of his back-door. All +the guests were in a state of not knowing how to arrest the +progress of the fecal matter to which nature has given, even more +than to water, the property of finding a certain level. Their +substances modified themselves and glided working downward, like +those insects who demand to be let out of their cocoons, raging, +tormenting, and ungrateful to the higher powers; for nothing is +so ignorant, so insolent as those cursed objects, and they are +importunate like all things detained to whom one owes liberty. So +they slipped at every turn like eels out of a net, and each one +had need of great efforts and science not to disgrace himself +before the king. Louis took great pleasure in interrogating his +guests, and was much amused with the vicissitudes of their +physiognomies, on which were reflected the dirty grimaces of +their writhings. The counsellor of justice said to Oliver, "I +would give my office to be behind a hedge for half a dozen +seconds."</p> + +<p>"Oh, there is no enjoyment to equal a good stool; and now I am +no longer astonished at sempiternal droppings of a fly," replied +the surgeon.</p> + +<p>The cardinal believing that the lady had obtained her receipt +from the bank of deposit, left the tassels of his girdle in the +king's hand, making a start as if he had forgotten to say his +prayers, and made his way towards the door.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with you, Monsieur le Cardinal?" said the +king.</p> + +<p>"By my halidame, what is the matter with me? It appears that +all your affairs are very extensive, sire!"</p> + +<p>The cardinal had slipped out, leaving the others astonished at +his cunning. He proceeded gloriously towards the lower room, +loosening a little the strings of his purse; but when he opened +the blessed little door he found the lady at her functions upon +the throne, like a pope about to be consecrated. Then restraining +his impatience, he descended the stairs to go into the garden. +However, on the last steps the barking of the dogs put him in +great fear of being bitten in one of his precious hemispheres; +and not knowing where to deliver himself of his chemical produce +he came back into the room, shivering like a man who has been in +the open air! The others seeing the cardinal return, imagined +that he had emptied his natural reservoirs, unburdened his +ecclesiastical bowels, and believed him happy. Then the surgeon +rose quickly, as if to take note of the tapestries and count the +rafters, but gained the door before anyone else, and relaxing his +sphincter in advance, he hummed a tune on his way to the retreat; +arrived there he was compelled, like La Balue, to murmur words of +excuse to this student of perpetual motion, shutting the door +with as promptitude as he opened it; and he came back burdened +with an accumulation which seriously impeded his private +channels. And in the same way went to guests one after the other, +without being able to unburden themselves of their sauces, as +soon again found themselves all in the presence of Louis the +Eleventh, as much distressed as before, looking at each other +slyly, understanding each other better with their tails than they +ever understood with their mouths, for there is never any +equivoque in the transactions of the parts of nature, and +everything therein is rational and of easy comprehension, seeing +that it is a science which we learn at our birth.</p> + +<p>"I believe," said the cardinal to the surgeon, "that lady will +go on until to-morrow. What was La Beaupertuys about to ask such +a case of diarrhoea here?"</p> + +<p>"She's been an hour working at what I could get done in a +minute. May the fever seize her" cried Oliver le Daim.</p> + +<p>All the courtiers seized with colic were walking up and down +to make their importunate matters patient, when the said lady +reappeared in the room. You can believe they found her beautiful +and graceful, and would willingly have kissed her, there where +they so longed to go; and never did they salute the day with more +favour than this lady, the liberator of the poor unfortunate +bodies. La Balue rose; the others, from honour, esteem, and +reverence of the church, gave way to the clergy, and, biding +their time, they continued to make grimaces, at which the king +laughed to himself with Nicole, who aided him to stop the +respiration of these loose-bowelled gentlemen. The good Scotch +captain, who more than all the others had eaten of a dish in +which the cook had put an aperient powder, became the victim of +misplaced confidence. He went ashamed into a corner, hoping that +before the king, his mishap might escape detection. At this +moment the cardinal returned horribly upset, because he had found +La Beaupertuys on the episcopal seat. Now, in his torments, not +knowing if she were in the room, he came back and gave vent to a +diabolical "Oh!" on beholding her near his master.</p> + +<p>"What do you mean?" exclaimed the king, looking at the priest +in a way to give him the fever.</p> + +<p>"Sire," said La Balue, insolently, "the affairs of purgatory +are in my ministry, and I am bound to inform you that there is +sorcery going on in this house."</p> + +<p>"Ah! little priest, you wish to make game of me!" said the +king.</p> + +<p>At these words the company were in a terrible state.</p> + +<p>"So you treat me with disrespect?" said the king, which made +them turn pale. "Ho, there! Tristan, my friend!" cried Louis XI. +from the window, which he threw up suddenly, "come up here!"</p> + +<p>The grand provost of the hotel was not long before he +appeared; and as these gentlemen were all nobodies, raised to +their present position by the favour of the king, Louis, in a +moment of anger, could crush them at will; so that with the +exception of the cardinal who relied upon his cassock, Tristan +found them all rigid and aghast.</p> + +<p>"Conduct these gentleman to the Pretorium, on the Mall, my +friend, they have disgraced themselves through over-eating."</p> + +<p>"Am I not good at jokes?" said Nicole to him.</p> + +<p>"The farce is good, but it is fetid," replied he, +laughing.</p> + +<p>This royal answer showed the courtiers that this time the king +did not intend to play with their heads, for which they thanked +heaven. The monarch was partial to these dirty tricks. He was not +at all a bad fellow, as the guests remarked while relieving +themselves against the side of the Mall with Tristan, who, like a +good Frenchman, kept them company, and escorted them to their +homes. This is why since that time the citizens of Tours had +never failed to defile the Mall of Chardonneret, because the +gentlemen of the court had been there.</p> + +<p>I will not leave this great king without committing to writing +this good joke which he played upon La Godegrand, who was an old +maid, much disgusted that she had not, during the forty years she +had lived, been able to find a lid to her saucepan, enraged, in +her yellow skin, that she still was as virgin as a mule. This old +maid had her apartments on the other side of the house which +belonged to La Beaupertuys, at the corner of the Rue de +Hierusalem, in such a position that, standing on the balcony +joining the wall, it was easy to see what she was doing, and hear +what she was saying in the lower room where she lived; and often +the king derived much amusement from the antics of the old girl, +who did not know that she was so much within the range of his +majesty's culverin. Now one market day it happened that the king +had caused to be hanged a young citizen of Tours, who had +violated a noble lady of a certain age, believing that she was a +young maiden. There would have been no harm in this, and it would +have been a thing greatly to the credit of the said lady to have +been taken for a virgin; but on finding out his mistake, he had +abominably insulted her, and suspecting her of trickery, had +taken it into his head to rob her of a splendid silver goblet, in +payment of the present he had just made her. This young man had +long hair, and was so handsome that the whole town wished to see +him hanged, both from regret and out of curiosity. You may be +sure that at this hanging there were more caps than hats. Indeed, +the said young man swung very well; and after the fashion and +custom of persons hanged, he died gallantly with his lance +couched, which fact made a great noise in the town. Many ladies +said on this subject that it was a murder not to have preserved +so fine a fellow from the scaffold.</p> + +<p>"Suppose we were to put this handsome corpse in the bed of La +Godegrand," said La Beaupertuys to the king.</p> + +<p>"We should terrify her," replied Louis.</p> + +<p>"Not at all, sire. Be sure that she will welcome even a dead +man, so madly does she long for a living one. Yesterday I saw her +making love to a young man's cap placed on the top of a chair, +and you would have laughed heartily at her words and +gestures."</p> + +<p>Now while this forty-year-old virgin was at vespers, the king +sent to have this young townsman, who had just finished the last +scene of his tragic farce, taken down, and having dressed him in +a white shirt, two officers got over the walls of La Godegrand's +garden, and put the corpse into her bed, on the side nearest the +street. Having done this they went away, and the king remained in +the room with the balcony to it, playing with Beaupertuys, and +awaiting an hour at which the old maid should go to bed. La +Godegrand soon came back with a hop, skip, and jump, as the +Tourainians say, from the church of St Martin, from which she was +not far, since the Rue de Hierusalem touches the walls of the +cloister. She entered her house, laid down her prayer-book, +chaplet, and rosary, and other ammunition which these old girls +carry, then poked the fire, and blew it, warmed herself at it, +settled herself in her chair, and played with her cat for want of +something better; then she went to the larder, supping and +sighing, and sighing and supping, eating alone, with her eyes +cast down upon the carpet; and after having drunk, behaved in a +manner forbidden in court society.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" the corpse said to her, 'God bless you!'"</p> + +<p>At this joke of luck of La Beaupertuys, both laughed heartily +in their sleeves. And with great attention this very Christian +king watched the undressing of the old maid, who admired herself +while removing her things--pulling out a hair, or scratching a +pimple which had maliciously come upon her nose; picking her +teeth, and doing a thousand little things which, alas! all +ladies, virgins or not, are obliged to do, much to their +annoyance; but without these little faults of nature, they would +be too proud, and one would not be able to enjoy their society. +Having achieved her aquatic and musical discourse, the old maid +got in between the sheets, and yelled forth a fine, great, ample, +and curious cry, when she saw, when she smelt the fresh vigour of +this hanged man and the sweet perfume of his manly youth; then +sprang away from him out of coquetry. But as she did not know he +was really dead, she came back again, believing he was mocking +her, and counterfeiting death.</p> + +<p>"Go away, you bad young man!" said she.</p> + +<p>But you can imagine that she proffered this requests in a most +humble and gracious tone of voice. Then seeing that he did not +move, she examined him more closely, and was much astonished at +this so fine human nature when she recognised the young fellow, +upon whom the fancy took her to perform some purely scientific +experiments in the interests of hanged persons.</p> + +<p>"What is she doing?" said La Beaupertuys to the king.</p> + +<p>"She is trying to reanimate him. It is a work of Christian +humanity."</p> + +<p>And the old girl rubbed and warmed this fine young man, +supplicating holy Mary the Egyptian to aid her to renew the life +of this husband who had fallen so amorously from heaven, when, +suddenly looking at the dead body she was so charitably rubbing, +she thought she saw a slight movement in the eyes; then she put +her hand upon the man's heart, and felt it beat feebly. At +length, from the warmth of the bed and of affection, and by the +temperature of old maids, which is by far more burning then the +warm blasts of African deserts, she had the delight of bringing +to life that fine handsome young fellow who by lucky chance had +been very badly hanged.</p> + +<p>"See how my executioners serve me!" said Louis, laughing.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said La Beaupertuys, "you will not have him hanged +again? he is too handsome."</p> + +<p>"The decree does not say that he shall be hanged twice, but he +shall marry the old woman."</p> + +<p>Indeed, the good lady went in a great hurry to seek a master +leech, a good bleeder, who lived in the Abbey, and brought him +back directly. He immediately took his lancet, and bled the young +man. And as no blood came out: "Ah!" said he, "it is too late, +the transshipment of blood in the lungs has taken place."</p> + +<p>But suddenly this good young blood oozed out a little, and +then came out in abundance, and the hempen apoplexy, which had +only just begun, was arrested in its course. The young man moved +and came more to life; then he fell, from natural causes, into a +state of great weakness and profound sadness, prostration of +flesh and general flabbiness. Now the old maid, who was all eyes, +and followed the great and notable changes which were taking +place in the person of this badly hanged man, pulled the surgeon +by the sleeve, and pointing out to him, by a curious glance of +the eye, the piteous cause, said to him--</p> + +<p>"Will he for the future be always like that?"</p> + +<p>"Often," replied the veracious surgeon.</p> + +<p>"Oh! he was much nicer hanged!"</p> + +<p>At this speech the king burst out laughing. Seeing him at the +window, the woman and the surgeon were much frightened, for this +laugh seemed to them a second sentence of death for their poor +victim. But the king kept his word, and married them. And in +order to do justice he gave the husband the name of the Sieur de +Mortsauf in the place of the one he had lost upon the scaffold. +As La Godegrand had a very big basket of crowns, they founded a +good family in Touraine, which still exists and is much +respected, since M. de Mortsauf faithfully served Louis the +Eleventh on different occasions. Only he never liked to come +across gibbets or old women, and never again made amorous +assignations in the night.</p> + +<p>This teaches us to thoroughly verify and recognise women, and +not to deceive ourselves in the local difference which exists +between the old and the young, for if we are not hanged for our +errors of love, there are always great risks to run.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE HIGH CONSTABLE'S WIFE</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The high constable of Armagnac espoused from the desire of a +great fortune, the Countess Bonne, who was already considerably +enamoured of little Savoisy, son of the chamberlain to his +majesty King Charles the Sixth.</p> + +<p>The constable was a rough warrior, miserable in appearance, +tough in skin, thickly bearded, always uttering angry words, +always busy hanging people, always in the sweat of battles, or +thinking of other stratagems than those of love. Thus the good +soldier, caring little to flavour the marriage stew, used his +charming wife after the fashion of a man with more lofty ideas; +of the which the ladies have a great horror, since they like not +the joists of the bed to be the sole judges of their fondling and +vigorous conduct.</p> + +<p>Now the lovely Countess, as soon as she was grafted on the +constable, only nibbled more eagerly at the love with which her +heart was laden for the aforesaid Savoisy, which that gentleman +clearly perceived.</p> + +<p>Wishing both to study the same music, they would soon +harmonise their fancies, and decipher the hieroglyphic; and this +was a thing clearly demonstrated to the Queen Isabella, that +Savoisy's horses were oftener stabled at the house of her cousin +of Armagnac than in the Hotel St. Pol, where the chamberlain +lived, since the destruction of his residence, ordered by the +university, as everyone knows.</p> + +<p>This discreet and wise princess, fearing in advance some +unfortunate adventure for Bonne--the more so as the constable was +as ready to brandish his broadsword as a priest to bestow +benedictions--the said queen, as sharp as a dirk, said one day, +while coming out from vespers, to her cousin, who was taking the +holy water with Savoisy--</p> + +<p>"My dear, don't you see some blood in that water?"</p> + +<p>"Bah!" said Savoisy to the queen. "Love likes blood, +Madame."</p> + +<p>This the Queen considered a good reply, and put it into +writing, and later on, into action, when her lord the king +wounded one of her lovers, whose business you see settled in this +narrative.</p> + +<p>You know by constant experience, that in the early time of +love each of two lovers is always in great fear of exposing the +mystery of the heart, and as much from the flower of prudence as +from the amusement yielded by the sweet tricks of gallantry they +play at who can best conceal their thoughts, but one day of +forgetfulness suffices to inter the whole virtuous past. The poor +woman is taken in her joy as in a lasso; her sweetheart proclaims +his presence, or sometimes his departure, by some article of +clothing--a scarf, a spur, left by some fatal chance, and there +comes a stroke of the dagger that severs the web so gallantly +woven by their golden delights. But when one is full of days, he +should not make a wry face at death, and the sword of a husband +is a pleasant death for a gallant, if there be pleasant deaths. +So may be will finish the merry amours of the constable's +wife.</p> + +<p>One morning Monsieur d'Armagnac having lots of leisure time in +consequence of the flight of the Duke of Burgundy, who was +quitting Lagny, thought he would go and wish his lady good day, +and attempted to wake her up in a pleasant enough fashion, so +that she should not be angry; but she sunk in the heavy slumbers +of the morning, replied to the action--</p> + +<p>"Leave me alone, Charles!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, oh," said the constable, hearing the name of a saint who +was not one of his patrons, "I have a Charles on my head!"</p> + +<p>Then, without touching his wife, he jumped out of the bed, and +ran upstairs with his face flaming and his sword drawn, to the +place where slept the countess's maid-servant, convinced that the +said servant had a finger in the pie.</p> + +<p>"Ah, ah, wench of hell!" cried he, to commence the discharge +of his passion, "say thy prayers, for I intend to kill thee +instantly, because of the secret practices of Charles who comes +here."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Monseigneur," replied the woman, "who told you that?"</p> + +<p>"Stand steady, that I may rip thee at one blow if you do not +confess to me every assignation given, and in what manner they +have been arranged. If thy tongue gets entangled, if thou +falterest, I will pierce thee with my dagger!"</p> + +<p>"Pierce me through!" replied the girl; "you will learn +nothing."</p> + +<p>The constable, having taken this excellent reply amiss, ran +her through on the spot, so mad was he with rage; and came back +into his wife's chamber and said to his groom, whom, awakened by +the shrieks of the girl, he met upon the stairs, "Go upstairs; +I've corrected Billette rather severely."</p> + +<p>Before he reappeared in the presence of Bonne he went to fetch +his son, who was sleeping like a child, and led him roughly into +her room. The mother opened her eyes pretty widely, you may +imagine--at the cries of her little one; and was greatly +terrified at seeing him in the hands of her husband, who had his +right hand all bloody, and cast a fierce glance on the mother and +son.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter?" said she.</p> + +<p>"Madame," asked the man of quick execution, "this child, is he +the fruit of my loins, or those of Savoisy, your lover?"</p> + +<p>At this question Bonne turned pale, and sprang upon her son +like a frightened frog leaping into the water.</p> + +<p>"Ah, he is really ours," said she.</p> + +<p>"If you do not wish to see his head roll at your feet confess +yourself to me, and no prevarication. You have given me a +lieutenant."</p> + +<p>"Indeed!"</p> + +<p>"Who is he?"</p> + +<p>"It is not Savoisy, and I will never say the name of a man +that I don't know."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the constable rose, took his wife by the arm to cut +her speech with a blow of the sword, but she, casting upon him an +imperial glance, cried--</p> + +<p>"Kill me if you will, but touch me not."</p> + +<p>"You shall live," replied the husband, "because I reserve you +for a chastisement more ample then death."</p> + +<p>And doubting the inventions, snares, arguments, and artifices +familiar to women in these desperate situations, of which they +study night and day the variations, by themselves, or between +themselves, he departed with this rude and bitter speech. He went +instantly to interrogate his servants, presenting to them a face +divinely terrible; so all of them replied to him as they would to +God the Father on the Judgment Day, when each of us will be +called to his account.</p> + +<p>None of them knew the serious mischief which was at the bottom +of these summary interrogations and crafty interlocutions; but +from all that they said, the constable came to the conclusion +that no male in his house was in the business, except one of his +dogs, whom he found dumb, and to whom he had given the post of +watching the gardens; so taking him in his hands, he strangled +him with rage. This fact incited him by induction to suppose that +the other constable came into his house by the garden, of which +the only entrance was a postern opening on to the water side.</p> + +<p>It is necessary to explain to those who are ignorant of it, +the locality of the Hotel d'Armagnac, which had a notable +situation near to the royal houses of St. Pol. On this site has +since been built the hotel of Longueville. Then as at the present +time, the residence of d'Armagnac had a porch of fine stone in +Rue St. Antoine, was fortified at all points, and the high walls +by the river side, in face of the Ile du Vaches, in the part +where now stands the port of La Greve, were furnished with little +towers. The design of these has for a long time been shown at the +house of Cardinal Duprat, the king's Chancellor. The constable +ransacked his brains, and at the bottom, from his finest +stratagems, drew the best, and fitted it so well to the present +case, that the gallant would be certain to be taken like a hare +in the trap. "'Sdeath," said he, "my planter of horns is taken, +and I have the time now to think how I shall finish him off."</p> + +<p>Now this is the order of battle which this grand hairy captain +who waged such glorious war against Duke Jean-sans-Peur commanded +for the assault of his secret enemy. He took a goodly number of +his most loyal and adroit archers, and placed them on the quay +tower, ordering them under the heaviest penalties to draw without +distinction of persons, except his wife, on those of his +household who should attempt to leave the gardens, and to admit +therein, either by night or by day, the favoured gentleman. The +same was done on the porch side, in the Rue St Antoine.</p> + +<p>The retainers, even the chaplain, were ordered not to leave +the house under pain of death. Then the guard of the two sides of +the hotel having been committed to the soldiers of a company of +ordnance, who were ordered to keep a sharp lookout in the side +streets, it was certain that the unknown lover to whom the +constable was indebted for his pair of horns, would be taken +warm, when, knowing nothing, he should come at the accustomed +hour of love to insolently plant his standard in the heart of the +legitimate appurtenances of the said lord count.</p> + +<p>It was a trap into which the most expert man would fall unless +he was seriously protected by the fates, as was the good St. +Peter by the Saviour when he prevented him going to the bottom of +the sea the day when they had a fancy to try if the sea were as +solid as terra firma.</p> + +<p>The constable had business with the inhabitants of Poissy, and +was obliged to be in the saddle after dinner, so that, knowing +his intention, the poor Countess Bonne determined at night to +invite her young gallant to that charming duel in which she was +always the stronger.</p> + +<p>While the constable was making round his hotel a girdle of +spies and of death, and hiding his people near the postern to +seize the gallant as he came out, not knowing where he would +spring from, his wife was not amusing herself by threading peas +nor seeking black cows in the embers. First, the maid-servant who +had been stuck, unstuck herself and dragged herself to her +mistress; she told her that her outraged lord knew nothing, and +that before giving up the ghost she would comfort her dear +mistress by assuring her that she could have perfect confidence +in her sister, who was laundress in the hotel, and was willing to +let herself be chopped up as small as sausage-meat to please +Madame. That she was the most adroit and roguish woman in the +neighbourhood, and renowned from the council chamber to the +Trahoir cross among the common people, and fertile in invention +for the desperate cases of love.</p> + +<p>Then, while weeping for the decease of her good chamber woman, +the countess sent for the laundress, made her leave her tubs and +join her in rummaging the bag of good tricks, wishing to save +Savoisy, even at the price of her future salvation.</p> + +<p>First of all the two women determined to let him know their +lord and master's suspicion, and beg him to be careful.</p> + +<p>Now behold the good washerwoman who, carrying her tub like a +mule, attempts to leave the hotel. But at the porch she found a +man-at-arms who turned a deaf ear to all the blandishments of the +wash-tub. Then she resolved, from her great devotion, to take the +soldier on his weak side, and she tickled him so with her +fondling that he romped very well with her, although he was +armour-plated ready for battle; but when the game was over he +still refused to let her go into the street and although she +tried to get herself a passport sealed by some of the handsomest, +believing them more gallant: neither the archers, men-at- arms, +nor others, dared open for her the smallest entrance of the +house. "You are wicked and ungrateful wretches," said she, "not +to render me a like service."</p> + +<p>Luckily at this employment she learned everything, and came +back in great haste to her mistress, to whom she recounted the +strange machinations of the count. The two women held a fresh +council and had not considered, the time it takes to sing +Alleluia, twice, these warlike appearances, watches, defences, +and equivocal, specious, and diabolical orders and dispositions +before they recognised by the sixth sense with which all females +are furnished, the special danger which threatened the poor +lover.</p> + +<p>Madame having learned that she alone had leave to quit the +house, ventured quickly to profit by her right, but she did not +go the length of a bow-shot, since the constable had ordered four +of his pages to be always on duty ready to accompany the +countess, and two of the ensigns of his company not to leave her. +Then the poor lady returned to her chamber, weeping as much as +all the Magdalens one sees in the church pictures, could weep +together.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said she, "my lover must then be killed, and I shall +never see him again! . . . he whose words were so sweet, whose +manners were so graceful, that lovely head that had so often +rested on my knees, will now be bruised . . . What! Can I not +throw to my husband an empty and valueless head in place of the +one full of charms and worth . . . a rank head for a +sweet-smelling one; a hated head for a head of love."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Madame!" cried the washerwoman, "suppose we dress up in +the garments of a nobleman, the steward's son who is mad for me, +and wearies me much, and having thus accoutered him, we push him +out through the postern.</p> + +<p>Thereupon the two women looked at each other with +assassinating eyes.</p> + +<p>"This marplot," said she, "once slain, all those soldiers will +fly away like geese."</p> + +<p>"Yes, but will not the count recognise the wretch?"</p> + +<p>And the countess, striking her breast, exclaimed, shaking her +head, "No, no, my dear, here it is noble blood that must be spilt +without stint."</p> + +<p>Then she thought a little, and jumping with joy, suddenly +kissed the laundress, saying, "Because I have saved my lover's +life by your counsel, I will pay you for his life until +death."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the countess dried her tears, put on the face of a +bride, took her little bag and a prayer-book, and went towards +the Church of St. Pol whose bells she heard ringing, seeing that +the last Mass was about to be said. In this sweet devotion the +countess never failed, being a showy woman, like all the ladies +of the court. Now this was called the full-dress Mass, because +none but fops, fashionables, young gentlemen and ladies puffed +out and highly scented, were to be met there. In fact no dresses +was seen there without armorial bearings, and no spurs that were +not gilt.</p> + +<p>So the Countess of Bonne departed, leaving at the hotel the +laundress much astonished, and charged to keep her eyes about +her, and came with great pomp to the church, accompanied by her +pages, the two ensigns and men-at-arms. It is here necessary to +say that among the band of gallant knights who frisked round the +ladies in church, the countess had more than one whose joy she +was, and who had given his heart to her, after the fashion of +youths who put down enough and to spare upon their tablets, only +in order to make a conquest of at least one out of a great +number.</p> + +<p>Among these birds of fine prey who with open beaks looked +oftener between the benches and the paternosters than towards the +altar and the priests, there was one upon whom the countess +sometimes bestowed the charity of a glance, because he was less +trifling and more deeply smitten than all the others.</p> + +<p>This one remained bashful, always stuck against the same +pillar, never moving from it, but readily ravished with the sight +alone of this lady whom he had chosen as his. His pale face was +softly melancholy. His physiognomy gave proof of fine heart, one +of those which nourish ardent passions and plunge delightedly +into the despairs of love without hope. Of these people there are +few, because ordinarily one likes more a certain thing than the +unknown felicities lying and flourishing at the bottommost depths +of the soul.</p> + +<p>This said gentleman, although his garments were well made, and +clean and neat, having even a certain amount of taste shown in +the arrangement, seemed to the constable's wife to be a poor +knight seeking fortune, and come from afar, with his nobility for +his portion. Now partly from a suspicion of his secret poverty, +partly because she was well beloved by him and a little because +he had a good countenance, fine black hair, and a good figure, +and remained humble and submissive in all, the constable's wife +desired for him the favour of women and of fortune, not to let +his gallantry stand idle, and from a good housewifely idea, she +fired his imagination according to her fantasies, by certain +small favours and little looks which serpented towards him like +biting adders, trifling with the happiness of this young life, +like a princess accustomed to play with objects more precious +than a simple knight. In fact, her husband risked the whole +kingdom as you would a penny at piquet. Finally it was only three +days since, at the conclusion of vespers, that the constable's +wife pointed out to the queen this follower of love, said +laughingly--</p> + +<p>"There's a man of quality."</p> + +<p>This sentence remained in the fashionable language. Later it +became a custom so to designate the people of the court. It was +to the wife of the constable d'Armagnac, and to no other source, +that the French language is indebted for this charming +expression.</p> + +<p>By a lucky chance the countess had surmised correctly +concerning this gentleman. He was a bannerless knight, named +Julien de Boys-Bourredon, who not having inherited on his estate +enough to make a toothpick, and knowing no other wealth than the +rich nature with which his dead mother had opportunely furnished +him, conceived the idea of deriving therefrom both rent and +profit at court, knowing how fond ladies are of those good +revenues, and value them high and dear, when they can stand being +looked at between two suns. There are many like him who have thus +taken the narrow road of women to make their way; but he, far +from arranging his love in measured qualities, spend funds and +all, as soon as he came to the full-dress Mass, he saw the +triumphant beauty of the Countess Bonne. Then he fell really in +love, which was a grand thing for his crowns, because he lost +both thirst and appetite. This love is of the worst kind, because +it incites you to the love of diet, during the diet of love; a +double malady, of which one is sufficient to extinguish a +man.</p> + +<p>Such was the young gentlemen of whom the good lady had +thought, and towards whom she came quickly to invite him to his +death.</p> + +<p>On entering she saw the poor chevalier, who faithful to his +pleasure, awaited her, his back against a pillar, as a sick man +longs for the sun, the spring-time, and the dawn. Then she turned +away her eyes, and wished to go to the queen and request her +assistance in this desperate case, for she took pity on her +lover, but one of the captains said to her, with great appearance +of respect, "Madame, we have orders not to allow you to speak +with man or woman, even though it should be the queen or your +confessor. And remember that the lives of all of us are at +stake."</p> + +<p>"Is it not your business to die?" said she.</p> + +<p>"And also to obey," replied the soldier.</p> + +<p>Then the countess knelt down in her accustomed place, and +again regarding her faithful slave, found his face thinner and +more deeply lined than ever it had been.</p> + +<p>"Bah!" said she, "I shall have less remorse for his death; he +is half dead as it is."</p> + +<p>With this paraphrase of her idea, she cast upon the said +gentleman one of those warm ogles that are only allowable to +princesses and harlots, and the false love which her lovely eyes +bore witness to, gave a pleasant pang to the gallant of the +pillar. Who does not love the warm attack of life when it flows +thus round the heart and engulfs everything?</p> + +<p>Madame recognised with a pleasure, always fresh in the minds +of women, the omnipotence of her magnificent regard by the answer +which, without saying a word, the chevalier made to it. And in +fact, the blushes which empurpled his cheeks spoke better than +the best speeches of the Greek and Latin orators, and were well +understood. At this sweet sight, the countess, to make sure that +it was not a freak of nature, took pleasure in experimentalising +how far the virtue of her eyes would go, and after having heated +her slave more than thirty times, she was confirmed in her belief +that he would bravely die for her. This idea so touched her, that +from three repetitions between her orisons she was tickled with +the desire to put into a lump all the joys of man, and to +dissolve them for him in one single glance of love, in order that +she should not one day be reproached with having not only +dissipated the life, but also the happiness of this gentleman. +When the officiating priest turned round to sing the Off you go +to this fine gilded flock, the constable's wife went out by the +side of the pillar where her courtier was, passed in front of him +and endeavoured to insinuate into his understanding by a speaking +glance that he was to follow her, and to make positive the +intelligence and significant interpretation of this gentle +appeal, the artful jade turned round again a little after passing +him to again request his company. She saw that he had moved a +little from his place, and dared not advance, so modest was he, +but upon this last sign, the gentleman, sure of not being +over-credulous, mixed with the crowd with little and noiseless +steps, like an innocent who is afraid of venturing into one of +those good places people call bad ones. And whether he walked +behind or in front, to the right or to the left, my lady bestowed +upon him a glistening glance to allure him the more and the +better to draw him to her, like a fisher who gently jerks the +lines in order to hook the gudgeon. To be brief: the countess +practiced so well the profession of the daughters of pleasure +when they work to bring grist into their mills, that one would +have said nothing resembled a harlot so much as a woman of high +birth. And indeed, on arriving at the porch of her hotel the +countess hesitated to enter therein, and again turned her face +towards the poor chevalier to invite him to accompany her, +discharging at him so diabolical a glance, that he ran to the +queen of his heart, believing himself to be called by her. +Thereupon, she offered him her hand, and both boiling and +trembling from the contrary causes found themselves inside the +house. At this wretched hour, Madame d'Armagnac was ashamed of +having done all these harlotries to the profit of death, and of +betraying Savoisy the better to save him; but this slight remorse +was lame as the greater, and came tardily. Seeing everything +ready, the countess leaned heavily upon her vassal's arm, and +said to him--</p> + +<p>"Come quickly to my room; it is necessary that I should speak +with you."</p> + +<p>And he, not knowing that his life was in peril, found no voice +wherewith to reply, so much did the hope of approaching happiness +choke him.</p> + +<p>When the laundress saw this handsome gentleman so quickly +hooked, "Ah!" said she, "these ladies of the court are best at +such work." Then she honoured this courtier with a profound +salutation, in which was depicted the ironical respect due to +those who have the great courage to die for so little.</p> + +<p>"Picard," said the constable's lady, drawing the laundress to +her by the skirt, "I have not the courage to confess to him the +reward with which I am about to pay his silent love and his +charming belief in the loyalty of women."</p> + +<p>"Bah! Madame: why tell him? Send him away well contented by +the postern. So many men die in war for nothing, cannot this one +die for something? I'll produce another like him if that will +console you."</p> + +<p>"Come along," cried the countess, "I will confess all to him. +That will be the punishment for my sins."</p> + +<p>Thinking that this lady was arranging with her servant certain +trifling provisions and secret things in order not to be +disturbed in the interview she had promised him, the unknown +lover kept at a discreet distance, looking at the flies. +Nevertheless, he thought that the countess was very bold, but +also, as even a hunchback would have done, he found a thousand +reasons to justify her, and thought himself quite worthy to +inspire such recklessness. He was lost in those good thoughts +when the constable's wife opened the door of her chamber, and +invited the chevalier to follow her in. There his noble lady cast +aside all the apparel of her lofty fortune, and falling at the +feet of this gentleman, became a simple woman.</p> + +<p>"Alas, sweet sir!" said she, "I have acted vilely towards you. +Listen. On your departure from this house, you will meet your +death. The love which I feel for another has bewildered me, and +without being able to hold his place here, you will have to take +it before his murderers. This is the joy to which I have bidden +you."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" Replied Boys-Bourredon, interring in the depths of his +heart a dark despair, "I am grateful to you for having made use +of me as of something which belonged to you. . . . Yes, I love +you so much that every day you I have dreamed of offering you in +imitation of the ladies, a thing that can be given but once. +Take, then, my life!"</p> + +<p>And the poor chevalier, in saying this, gave her one glance to +suffice for all the time he would have been able to look at her +through the long days. Hearing these brave and loving words, +Bonne rose suddenly.</p> + +<p>"Ah! were it not for Savoisy, how I would love thee!" said +she.</p> + +<p>"Alas! my fate is then accomplished," replied Boys-Bourredon. +"My horoscope predicted that I should die by the love of a great +lady. Ah, God!" said he, clutching his good sword, "I will sell +my life dearly, but I shall die content in thinking that my +decease ensures the happiness of her I love. I should live better +in her memory than in reality." At the sight of the gesture and +the beaming face of this courageous man, the constable's wife was +pierced to the heart. But soon she was wounded to the quick +because he seemed to wish to leave her without even asking of her +the smallest favour.</p> + +<p>"Come, that I may arm you," said she to him, making an attempt +to kiss him.</p> + +<p>"Ha! my lady-love," replied he, moistening with a gentle tear +the fire of his eyes, "would you render my death impossible by +attaching too great a value to my life?"</p> + +<p>"Come," cried she, overcome by this intense love, "I do not +know what the end of all this will be, but come--afterwards we +will go and perish together at the postern."</p> + +<p>The same flame leaped in their hearts, the same harmony had +struck for both, they embraced each other with a rapture in the +delicious excess of that mad fever which you know well I hope; +they fell into a profound forgetfulness of the dangers of +Savoisy, of themselves, of the constable, of death, of life, of +everything.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the watchman at the porch had gone to inform the +constable of the arrival of the gallant, and to tell him how the +infatuated gentleman had taken no notice of the winks which, +during Mass and on the road, the countess had given him in order +to prevent his destruction. They met their master arriving in +great haste at the postern, because on their side the archers of +the quay had whistled to him afar off, saying to him--</p> + +<p>"The Sire de Savoisy has passed in."</p> + +<p>And indeed Savoisy had come at the appointed hour, and like +all the lovers, thinking only of his lady, he had not seen the +count's spies and had slipped in at the postern. This collision +of lovers was the cause of the constable's cutting short the +words of those who came from the Rue St. Antoine, saying to them +with a gesture of authority, that they did not think wise to +disregard--</p> + +<p>"I know that the animal is taken."</p> + +<p>Thereupon all rushed with a great noise through this said +postern, crying, "Death to him! death to him!" and men-at-arms, +archers, the constable, and the captains, all rushed full tilt +upon Charles Savoisy, the king's nephew, who they attacked under +the countess's window, where by a strange chance, the groans of +the poor young man were dolorously exhaled, mingled with the +yells of the soldiers, at the same time as passionate sighs and +cries were given forth by the two lovers, who hastened up in +great fear.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the countess, turning pale from terror, "Savoisy is +dying for me!"</p> + +<p>"But I will live for you," replied Boys-Bourredon, "and shall +esteem it a joy to pay the same price for my happiness as he has +done."</p> + +<p>"Hide yourself in the clothes chest," cried the countess; "I +hear the constable's footsteps."</p> + +<p>And indeed M. d'Armagnac appeared very soon with a head in his +hand, and putting it all bloody on the mantleshelf, "Behold, +Madame," said he, "a picture which will enlighten you concerning +the duties of a wife towards her husband."</p> + +<p>"You have killed an innocent man," replied the countess, +without changing colour. Savoisy was not my lover."</p> + +<p>And with the this speech she looked proudly at the constable +with a face marked by so much dissimulation and feminine +audacity, that the husband stood looking as foolish as a girl who +has allowed a note to escape her below, before a numerous +company, and he was afraid of having made a mistake.</p> + +<p>"Of whom were you thinking this morning?" asked he.</p> + +<p>"I was dreaming of the king," said she.</p> + +<p>"Then, my dear, why not have told me so?"</p> + +<p>"Would you have believed me in the bestial passion you were +in?"</p> + +<p>The constable scratched his ear and replied--</p> + +<p>"But how came Savoisy with the key of the postern?"</p> + +<p>"I don't know," she said, curtly, "if you will have the +goodness to believe what I have said to you."</p> + +<p>And his wife turned lightly on her heel like a weather-cock +turned by the wind, pretending to go and look after the household +affairs. You can imagine that D'Armagnac was greatly embarrassed +with the head of poor Savoisy, and that for his part +Boys-Bourredon had no desire to cough while listening to the +count, who was growling to himself all sorts of words. At length +the constable struck two heavy blows over the table and said, +"I'll go and attack the inhabitants of Poissy." Then he departed, +and when the night was come Boys-Bourredon escaped from the house +in some disguise or other.</p> + +<p>Poor Savoisy was sorely lamented by his lady, who had done all +that a woman could do to save her lover, and later he was more +than wept, he was regretted; for the countess having related this +adventure to Queen Isabella, her majesty seduced Boys-Bourredon +from the service of her cousin and put him to her own, so much +was she touched with the qualities and firm courage of this +gentleman.</p> + +<p>Boys-Bourredon was a man whom danger had well recommended to +the ladies. In fact he comported himself so proudly in everything +in the lofty fortune, which the queen had made for him, that +having badly treated King Charles one day when the poor man was +in his proper senses, the courtiers, jealous of favour, informed +the king of his cuckoldom. Boys-Bourredon was in a moment sewn in +a sack and thrown into the Seine, near the ferry at Charenton, as +everyone knows. I have no need add, that since the day when the +constable took it into his head to play thoughtlessly with +knives, his good wife utilised so well the two deaths he had +caused and threw them so often in his face, that she made him as +soft as a cat's paw and put him in the straight road of marriage; +and he proclaimed her a modest and virtuous constable's lady, as +indeed she was. As this book should, according to the maxims of +great ancient authors, join certain useful things to the good +laughs which you will find therein and contain precepts of high +taste, I beg to inform you that the quintessence of the story is +this: That women need never lose their heads in serious cases, +because the God of Love never abandons them, especially when they +are beautiful, young, and of good family; and that gallants when +going to keep an amorous assignation should never go there like +giddy young men, but carefully, and keep a sharp look-out near +the burrow, to avoid falling into certain traps and to preserve +themselves; for after a good woman the most precious thing is, +certes, a pretty gentleman.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE MAID OF THILOUSE</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The lord of Valennes, a pleasant place, of which the castle is +not far from the town of Thilouse, had taken a mean wife, who by +reason of taste or antipathy, pleasure or displeasure, health or +sickness, allowed her good husband to abstain from those +pleasures stipulated for in all contracts of marriage. In order +to be just, it should be stated that the above-mentioned lord was +a dirty and ill-favoured person, always hunting wild animals and +not the more entertaining than is a room full of smoke. And what +is more, the said sportsman was all sixty years of age, on which +subject, however, he was a silent as a hempen widow on the +subject of rope. But nature, which the crooked, the bandy-legged, +the blind, and the ugly abuse so unmercifully here below, and +have no more esteem for her than the well-favoured,--since, like +workers of tapestry, they know not what they do,--gives the same +appetite to all and to all the same mouth for pudding. So every +beast finds a mate, and from the same fact comes the proverb, +"There is no pot, however ugly, that does not one day find a +cover." Now the lord of Valennes searched everywhere for nice +little pots to cover, and often in addition to wild, he hunted +tame animals; but this kind of game was scarce in the land, and +it was an expensive affair to discover a maid. At length however +by reason of much ferreting about and much enquiry, it happened +that the lord of Valennes was informed that in Thilouse was the +widow of a weaver who had a real treasure in the person of a +little damsel of sixteen years, whom she had never allowed to +leave her apronstrings, and whom, with great maternal +forethought, she always accompanied when the calls of nature +demanded her obedience; she had her to sleep with her in her own +bed, watched over her, got her up in the morning, and put her to +such a work that between the twain they gained about eight +pennies a day. On fete days she took her to the church, scarcely +giving her a spare moment to exchange a merry word with the young +people; above all was she strict in keeping hands off the +maiden.</p> + +<p>But the times were just then so hard that the widow and her +daughter had only bread enough to save them from dying of hunger, +and as they lodged with one of their poor relations, they often +wanted wood in winter and clothes in summer, owing enough rent to +frighten sergeants of justice, men who are not easily frightened +at the debts of others; in short, while the daughter was +increasing in beauty, the mother was increasing in poverty, and +ran into debt on account of her daughter's virginity, as an +alchemist will for the crucible in which his all is cast. As soon +as his plans were arranged and perfect, one rainy day the said +lord of Valennes by a mere chance came into the hovel of the two +spinners, and in order to dry himself sent for some fagots to +Plessis, close by. While waiting for them, he sat on a stool +between the two poor women. By means of the grey shadows and half +light of the cabin, he saw the sweet countenance of the maid of +Thilouse; her arms were red and firm, her breasts hard as +bastions, which kept the cold from her heart, her waist round as +a young oak and all fresh and clean and pretty, like the first +frost, green and tender as an April bud; in fact, she resembled +all that is prettiest in the world. She had eyes of a modest and +virtuous blue, with a look more coy than that of the Virgin, for +she was less forward, never having had a child.</p> + +<p>Had any one said to her, "Come, let us make love," she would +have said, "Love! What is that?" she was so innocent and so +little open to the comprehensions of the thing.</p> + +<p>The good old lord twisted about upon his stool, eyeing the +maid and stretching his neck like a monkey trying to catch nuts, +which the mother noticed, but said not a word, being in fear of +the lord to whom the whole of the country belonged. When the +fagot was put into the grate and flared up, the good hunter said +to the old woman, "Ah, ah! that warms one almost as much as your +daughter's eyes."</p> + +<p>"But alas, my lord," said she, "we have nothing to cook on +that fire."</p> + +<p>"Oh yes," replied he.</p> + +<p>"What?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, my good woman, lend your daughter to my wife, who has +need of a good handmaiden: we will give you two fagots every +day."</p> + +<p>"Oh, my lord, what could I cook at such a good fire?"</p> + +<p>"Why," replied the old rascal, "good broth, for I will give +you a measure of corn in season."</p> + +<p>"Then," replied the old hag, "where shall I put it?"</p> + +<p>"In your dish," answered the purchaser of innocence.</p> + +<p>"But I have neither dish nor flower-bin, nor anything."</p> + +<p>"Well I will give you dishes and flower-bins, saucepans, +flagons, a good bed with curtains, and everything."</p> + +<p>"Yes," replied the good widow, "but the rain would spoil them, +I have no house."</p> + +<p>"You can see from here," replied the lord, "the house of La +Tourbelliere, where lived my poor huntsmen Pillegrain, who was +ripped up by a boar?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," said the old woman.</p> + +<p>"Well, you can make yourself at home there for the rest of +your days."</p> + +<p>"By my faith;" cried the mother, letting fall her distaff, "do +you mean what you say?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Well, then, what will you give my daughter?"</p> + +<p>"All that she is willing to gain in my service."</p> + +<p>"Oh! my lord, you are a joking."</p> + +<p>"No," said he.</p> + +<p>"Yes," said she.</p> + +<p>"By St. Gatien, St. Eleuther, and by the thousand million +saints who are in heaven, I swear that--"</p> + +<p>"Ah! Well; if you are not jesting I should like those fagots +to pass through the hands of the notary."</p> + +<p>"By the blood of Christ and the charms of your daughter am I +not a gentleman? Is not my word good enough?"</p> + +<p>"Ah! well I don't say that it is not; but as true as I am a +poor spinner I love my child too much to leave her; she is too +young and weak at present, she will break down in service. +Yesterday, in his sermon, the vicar said that we should have to +answer to God for our children."</p> + +<p>"There! There!" said the lord, "go and find the notary."</p> + +<p>An old woodcutter ran to the scrivener, who came and drew up a +contract, to which the lord of Valennes then put his cross, not +knowing how to write, and when all was signed and sealed--</p> + +<p>"Well, old lady," said he, "now you are no longer answerable +to God for the virtue of your child."</p> + +<p>"Ah! my lord, the vicar said until the age of reason, and my +child is quite reasonable." Then turning towards her, she added, +"Marie Fiquet, that which is dearest to you is your honour, and +there where you are going everyone, without counting my lord, +will try to rob you of it, but you see well what it is worth; for +that reason do not lose it save willingly and in proper manner. +Now in order not to contaminate your virtue before God and before +man, except for a legitimate motive, take heed that your chance +of marriage be not damaged beforehand, otherwise you will go to +the bad."</p> + +<p>"Yes, dear mother," replied the maid.</p> + +<p>And thereupon she left the poor abode of her relation, and +came to the chateau of Valennes, there to serve my lady, who +found her both pretty and to her taste.</p> + +<p>When the people of Valennes, Sache, Villaines, and other +places, learned the high price given for the maid of Thilouse, +the good housewives recognising the fact that nothing is more +profitable than virtue, endeavoured to nourish and bring up their +daughters virtuous, but the business was as risky as that of +rearing silkworms, which are liable to perish, since innocence is +like a medlar, and ripens quickly on the straw. There were, +however, some girls noted for it in Touraine, who passed for +virgins in the convents of the religious, but I cannot vouch for +these, not having proceeded to verify them in the manner laid +down by Verville, in order to make sure of the perfect virtue of +women. However, Marie Fiquet followed the wise counsel of her +mother, and would take no notice of the soft requests, honied +words, or apish tricks of her master, unless they were flavoured +with a promise of marriage.</p> + +<p>When the old lord tried to kiss her, she would put her back up +like a cat at the approach of a dog, crying out "I will tell +Madame!" In short at the end of six months he had not even +recovered the price of a single fagot. From her labour Marie +Fiquet became harder and firmer. Sometimes she would reply to the +gentle request of her master, "When you have taken it from me +will you give it me back again?"</p> + +<p>Another time she would say, "If I were as full of holes as a +sieve not one should be for you, so ugly do I think you."</p> + +<p>The good old man took these village sayings for flowers of +innocence, and ceased not make little signs to her, long +harangues and a hundred vows and sermons, for by reason of seeing +the fine breasts of the maid, her plump hips, which at certain +movements came into prominent relief, and by reason of admiring +other things capable of inflaming the mind of a saint, this dear +men became enamoured of her with an old man's passion, which +augments in geometrical proportions as opposed to the passions of +young men, because the old men love with their weakness which +grows greater, and the young with their strength which grows +less. In order to leave this headstrong girl no loophole for +refusal, the old lord took into his confidence the steward, whose +age was seventy odd years, and made him understand that he ought +to marry in order to keep his body warm, and that Marie Fiquet +was the very girl to suit him. The old steward, who had gained +three hundred pounds by different services about the house, +desired to live quietly without opening the front door again; but +his good master begged him to marry to please him, assuring him +that he need not trouble about his wife. So the good steward +wandered out of sheer good nature into this marriage. The day of +the wedding, bereft of all her reasons, and not able to find +objections to her pursuer, she made him give her a fat settlement +and dowry as the price of her conquest, and then gave the old +knave leave to wink at her as often as he could, promising him as +many embraces as he had given grains of wheat to her mother. But +at his age a bushel was sufficient.</p> + +<p>The festivities over, the lord did not fail, as soon as his +wife had retired, to wend his way towards the well-glazed, +well-carpeted, and pretty room where he had lodged his lass, his +money, his fagots, his house, his wheat, and his steward. To be +brief, know that he found the maid of Thilouse the sweetest girl +in the world, as pretty as anything, by the soft light of the +fire which was gleaming in the chimney, snug between the sheets, +and with a sweet odour about her, as a young maiden should have, +and in fact he had no regret for the great price of this jewel. +Not being able to restrain himself from hurrying over the first +mouthfuls of this royal morsel, the lord treated her more as a +past master than a young beginner. So the happy man by too much +gluttony, managed badly, and in fact knew nothing of the sweet +business of love. Finding which, the good wench said, after a +minute or two, to her old cavalier, "My lord, if you are there, +as I think you are, give a little more swing to your bells."</p> + +<p>From this saying, which became spread about, I know not how, +Marie Fiquet became famous, and it is still said in our country, +"She is a maid of Thilouse," in mockery of a bride, and to +signify a "fricquenelle."</p> + +<p>"Fricquenelle" is said of a girl I do not wish you to find in +your arms on your wedding night, unless you have been brought up +in the philosophy of Zeno, which puts up with anything, and there +are many people obliged to be Stoics in this funny situation, +which is often met with, for Nature turns, but changes not, and +there are always good maids of Thilouse to be found in Touraine, +and elsewhere. Now if you asked me in what consists, or where +comes in, the moral of this tale? I am at liberty to reply to the +ladies; that the Cent Contes Drolatiques are made more to teach +the moral of pleasure than to procure the pleasure of pointing a +moral. But if it were a used up old rascal who asked me, I should +say to him with all the respect due to his yellow or grey locks; +that God wishes to punish the lord of Valennes, for trying to +purchase a jewel made to be given.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE BROTHERS-IN-ARMS</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>At the commencement of the reign of King Henry, second of the +name, who loved so well the fair Diana, there existed still a +ceremony of which the usage has since become much weakened, and +which has altogether disappeared, like an infinity of the good +things of the olden times. This fine and noble custom was the +choice which all knights made of a brother-in-arms. After having +recognised each other as two loyal and brave men, each one of +this pretty couple was married for life to the other; both became +brothers, the one had to defend the other in battling against the +enemies who threatened him, and at Court against the friends who +slandered him. In the absence of his companion the other was +expected to say to one who should have accused his good brother +of any disloyalty, wickedness or dark felony, "You have lied by +your throat," and so go into the field instantly, so sure was the +one of the honour of the other. There is no need to add, that the +one was always the second of the other in all affairs, good or +evil, and that they shared all good or evil fortune. They were +better than the brothers who are only united by the hazard of +nature, since they were fraternised by the bonds of an especial +sentiment, involuntary and mutual, and thus the fraternity of +arms has produced splendid characters, as brave as those of the +ancient Greeks, Romans, or others. . . . But this is not my +subject; the history of these things has been written by the +historians of our country, and everyone knows them.</p> + +<p>Now at this time two young gentlemen of Touraine, of whom one +was the Cadet of Maille, and the other Sieur de Lavalliere, +became brothers- in-arms on the day they gained their spurs. They +were leaving the house of Monsieur de Montmorency, where they had +been nourished with the good doctrines of this great Captain, and +had shown how contagious is valour in such good company, for at +the battle of Ravenna they merited the praises of the oldest +knights. It was in the thick of this fierce fight that Maille, +saved by the said Lavalliere, with whom he had had a quarrel or +two, perceived that this gentleman had a noble heart. As they had +each received slashes in the doublets, they baptised their +fraternity with their blood, and were ministered to together in +one and the same bed under the tent of Monsieur de Montmorency +their master. It is necessary to inform you that, contrary to the +custom of his family, which was always to have a pretty face, the +Cadet of Maille was not of a pleasing physiognomy, and had +scarcely any beauty but that of the devil. For the rest he was +lithe as a greyhound, broad shouldered and strongly built as King +Pepin, who was a terrible antagonist. On the other hand, the +Sieur de Lavalliere was a dainty fellow, for whom seemed to have +been invented rich laces, silken hose, and cancellated shoes. His +long dark locks were pretty as a lady's ringlets, and he was, to +be brief, a child with whom all the women would be glad to play. +One day the Dauphine, niece of the Pope, said laughingly to the +Queen of Navarre, who did not dislike these little jokes, "that +this page was a plaster to cure every ache," which caused the +pretty little Tourainian to blush, because, being only sixteen, +he took this gallantry as a reproach.</p> + +<p>Now on his return from Italy the Cadet of Maille found the +slipper of marriage ready for his foot, which his mother had +obtained for him in the person of Mademoiselle d'Annebaut, who +was a graceful maiden of good appearance, and well furnished with +everything, having a splendid hotel in the Rue Barbette, with +handsome furniture and Italian paintings and many considerable +lands to inherit. Some days after the death of King Francis--a +circumstance which planted terror in the heart of everyone, +because his said Majesty had died in consequence of an attack of +the Neapolitan sickness, and that for the future there would be +no security even with princesses of the highest birth--the +above-named Maille was compelled to quit the Court in order to go +and arrange certain affairs of great importance in Piedmont. You +may be sure that he was very loath to leave his good wife, so +young, so delicate, so sprightly, in the midst of the dangers, +temptations, snares and pitfalls of this gallant assemblage, +which comprised so many handsome fellows, bold as eagles, proud +of mein, and as fond of women as the people are partial to +Paschal hams. In this state of intense jealousy everything made +him ill at ease; but by dint of much thinking, it occurred to him +to make sure of his wife in the manner about to be related. He +invited his good brother-in-arms to come at daybreak on the +morning of his departure. Now directly he heard Lavalliere's +horse in the courtyard, he leaped out of bed, leaving his sweet +and fair better-half sleeping that gentle, dreamy, dozing sleep +so beloved by dainty ladies and lazy people. Lavalliere came to +him, and the two companions, hidden in the embrasure of the +window, greeted each other with a loyal clasp of the hand, and +immediately Lavalliere said to Maille--</p> + +<p>"I should have been here last night in answer to thy summons, +but I had a love suit on with my lady, who had given me an +assignation; I could in no way fail to keep it, but I quitted her +at dawn. Shall I accompany thee? I have told her of thy +departure, she has promised me to remain without any amour; we +have made a compact. If she deceives me--well a friend is worth +more than a mistress!"</p> + +<p>"Oh! my good brother" replied the Maille, quite overcome with +these words, "I wish to demand of thee a still higher proof of +thy brave heart. Wilt thou take charge of my wife, defend her +against all, be her guide, keep her in check and answer to me for +the integrity of my head? Thou canst stay here during my absence, +in the green-room, and be my wife's cavalier."</p> + +<p>Lavalliere knitted his brow and said--</p> + +<p>"It is neither thee nor thy wife that I fear, but evil-minded +people, who will take advantage of this to entangle us like +skeins of silk."</p> + +<p>"Do not be afraid of me," replied Maille, clasping Lavalliere +to his breast. "If it be the divine will of the Almighty that I +should have the misfortune to be a cuckold, I should be less +grieved if it were to your advantage. But by my faith I should +die of grief, for my life is bound up in my good, young, virtuous +wife."</p> + +<p>Saying which, he turned away his head, in order that +Lavalliere should not perceive the tears in his eyes; but the +fine courtier saw this flow of water, and taking the hand of +Maille--</p> + +<p>"Brother," said he to him, "I swear to thee on my honour as a +man, that before anyone lays a finger on thy wife, he shall have +felt my dagger in the depth of his veins! And unless I should +die, thou shalt find her on thy return, intact in body if not in +heart, because thought is beyond the control of gentlemen."</p> + +<p>"It is then decreed above," exclaimed Maille, "that I shall +always be thy servant and thy debtor!"</p> + +<p>Thereupon the comrade departed, in order not to be inundated +with the tears, exclamations, and other expressions of grief +which ladies make use of when saying "Farewell." Lavalliere +having conducted him to the gate of the town, came back to the +hotel, waited until Marie d'Annebaut was out of bed, informed her +of the departure of her good husband, and offered to place +himself at her orders, in such a graceful manner, that the most +virtuous woman would have been tickled with a desire to keep such +a knight to herself. But there was no need of this fine +paternoster to indoctrinate the lady, seeing that she had +listened to the discourse of the two friends, and was greatly +offended at her husband's doubt. Alas! God alone is perfect! In +all the ideas of men there is always a bad side, and it is +therefore a great science in life, but an impossible science, to +take hold of everything, even a stick by the right end. The cause +of the great difficulty there is in pleasing the ladies is, that +there is it in them a thing which is more woman than they are, +and but for the respect which is due to them, I would use another +word. Now we should never awaken the phantasy of this malevolent +thing. The perfect government of woman is a task to rend a man's +heart, and we are compelled to remain in perfect submission to +them; that is, I imagine, the best manner in which to solve the +most agonising enigma of marriage.</p> + +<p>Now Marie d'Annebaut was delighted with the bearing and offers +of this gallant; but there was something in her smile which +indicated a malicious idea, and, to speak plainly, the intention +of putting her young guardian between honour and pleasure; to +regale him so with love, to surround him with so many little +attentions, to pursue him with such warm glances, that he would +be faithless to friendship, to the advantage of gallantry.</p> + +<p>Everything was in perfect trim for the carrying out of her +design, because of the companionship which the Sire de Lavalliere +would be obliged to have with her during his stay in the hotel, +and as there is nothing in the world can turn a woman from her +whim, at every turn the artful jade was ready to catch him in a +trap.</p> + +<p>At times she would make him remain seated near her by the +fire, until twelve o'clock at night, singing soft refrains, and +at every opportunity showed her fair shoulders, and the white +temptations of which her corset was full, and casting upon him a +thousand piercing glances, all without showing in her face the +thoughts that surged in her brain.</p> + +<p>At times she would walk with him in the morning, in the +gardens of the hotel, leaning heavily upon his arm, pressing it, +sighing, and making him tie the laces of her little shoes, which +were always coming undone in that particular place. Then it would +be those soft words and things which the ladies understand so +well, little attentions paid to a guest, such as coming in to see +if he were comfortable, if his bed were well made, the room +clean, if the ventilation were good, if he felt any draughts in +the night, if the sun came in during the day, and asking him to +forgo none of his usual fancies and habits, saying--</p> + +<p>"Are you accustomed to take anything in the morning in bed, +such as honey, milk, or spice? Do the meal times suit you? I will +conform mine to yours: tell me. You are afraid to ask me. +Come--"</p> + +<p>She accompanied these coddling little attentions with a +hundred affected speeches; for instance, on coming into the room +she would say--</p> + +<p>"I am intruding, send me away. You want to be left alone--I +will go." And always was she graciously invited to remain.</p> + +<p>And the cunning Madame always came lightly attired, showing +samples of her beauty, which would have made a patriarch neigh, +even were he as much battered by time as must have been Mr. +Methusaleh, with his nine hundred and sixty years.</p> + +<p>That good knight being as sharp as a needle, let the lady go +on with her tricks, much pleased to see her occupy herself with +him, since it was so much gained; but like a loyal brother, he +always called her absent husband to the lady's mind.</p> + +<p>Now one evening--the day had been very warm--Lavalliere +suspecting the lady's games, told her that Maille loved her +dearly, that she had in him a man of honour, a gentleman who +doted on her, and was ticklish on the score of his crown.</p> + +<p>"Why then, if he is so ticklish in this manner, has he placed +you here?"</p> + +<p>"Was it not a most prudent thing?" replied he. "Was it not +necessary to confide you to some defender of your virtue? Not +that it needs one save to protect you from wicked men."</p> + +<p>"Then you are my guardian?" said she.</p> + +<p>"I am proud of it!" exclaimed Lavalliere.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "he has made a very bad choice."</p> + +<p>This remark was accompanied by a little look, so lewdly +lascivious that the good brother-in-arms put on, by way of +reproach, a severe countenance, and left the fair lady alone, +much piqued at this refusal to commence love's conflict.</p> + +<p>She remained in deep meditation, and began to search for the +real obstacle that she had encountered, for it was impossible +that it should enter the mind of any lady, that a gentleman could +despise that bagatelle which is of such great price and so high +value. Now these thoughts knitted and joined together so well, +one fitting into the other, that out of little pieces she +constructed a perfect whole, and found herself desperately in +love; which should teach the ladies never to play with a man's +weapons, seeing that like glue, they always stick to the +fingers.</p> + +<p>By this means Marie d'Annebaut came to a conclusion which she +should have known at the commencement--viz., that to keep clear +of her snares, the good knight must be smitten with some other +lady, and looking round her, to see where her young guest could +have found a needle-case to his taste, she thought of the fair +Limeuil, one of Queen Catherine's maids, of Mesdames de Nevers, +d'Estree, and de Giac, all of whom were declared friends of +Lavalliere, and of the lot he must love one to distraction.</p> + +<p>From this belief, she added the motive of jealousy to the +others which tempted her to seduce her Argus, whom she did not +wish to wound, but to perfume, kiss his head, and treat +kindly.</p> + +<p>She was certainly more beautiful, young, and more appetising +and gentle than her rivals; at least, that was the melodious +decree of her imaginations. So, urged on by the chords and +springs of conscience, and physical causes which affect women, +she returned to the charge, to commence a fresh assault upon the +heart of the chevalier, for the ladies like that which is well +fortified.</p> + +<p>Then she played the pussy-cat, and nestled up close to him, +became so sweetly sociable, and wheedled so gently, that one +evening when she was in a desponding state, although merry enough +in her inmost soul, the guardian-brother asked her--</p> + +<p>"What is the matter with you?"</p> + +<p>To which she replied to him dreamily, being listened to by him +as the sweetest music--</p> + +<p>That she had married Maille against her heart's will, and that +she was very unhappy; that she knew not the sweets of love; that +her husband did not understand her, and that her life was full of +tears. In fact, that she was a maiden in heart and all, since she +confessed in marriage she had experienced nothing but the reverse +of pleasure. And she added, that surely this holy state should be +full of sweetmeats and dainties of love, because all the ladies +hurried into it, and hated and were jealous of those who out-bid +them, for it cost certain people pretty dear; that she was so +curious about it that for one good day or night of love, she +would give her life, and always be obedient to her lover without +a murmur; but that he with whom she would sooner than all others +try the experiment would not listen to her; that, nevertheless, +the secret of their love might be kept eternally, so great was +her husband's confidence in him, and that finally if he still +refused it would kill her.</p> + +<p>And all these paraphrases of the common canticle known to the +ladies at their birth were ejaculated between a thousand pauses, +interrupted with sighs torn from the heart, ornamented with +quiverings, appeals to heaven, upturned eyes, sudden blushings +and clutchings at her hair. In fact, no ingredient of temptation +was lacking in the dish, and at the bottom of all these words +there was a nipping desire which embellished even its blemishes. +The good knight fell at the lady's feet, and weeping took them +and kissed them, and you may be sure the good woman was quite +delighted to let him kiss them, and even without looking too +carefully to see what she was going to do, she abandoned her +dress to him, knowing well that to keep it from sweeping the +ground it must be taken at the bottom to raise it; but it was +written that for that evening she should be good, for the +handsome Lavalliere said to her with despair--</p> + +<p>"Ah, madame, I am an unfortunate man and a wretch."</p> + +<p>"Not at all," said she.</p> + +<p>"Alas, the joy of loving you is denied to me."</p> + +<p>"How?" said she.</p> + +<p>"I dare not confess my situation to you!"</p> + +<p>"Is it then very bad?"</p> + +<p>"Ah, you will be ashamed of me!"</p> + +<p>"Speak, I will hide my face in my hands," and the cunning +madame hid her face is such a way that she could look at her +well-beloved between her fingers.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said he, "the other evening when you addressed me in +such gracious words, I was so treacherously inflamed, that not +knowing my happiness to be so near, and not daring to confess my +flame to you, I ran to a Bordel where all the gentleman go, and +there for love of you, and to save the honour of my brother whose +head I should blush to dishonour, I was so badly infected that I +am in great danger of dying of the Italian sickness."</p> + +<p>The lady, seized with terror, gave vent to the cry of a woman +in labour, and with great emotion, repulsed him with a gentle +little gesture. Poor Lavalliere, finding himself in so pitiable +state, went out of the room, but he had not even reached the +tapestries of the door, when Marie d'Annebaut again contemplated +him, saying to herself, "Ah! what a pity!" Then she fell into a +state of great melancholy, pitying in herself the gentleman, and +became the more in love with him because he was fruit three times +forbidden.</p> + +<p>"But for Maille," said she to him, one evening that she +thought him handsomer than unusual, "I would willingly take your +disease. Together we should then have the same terrors."</p> + +<p>"I love you too well," said the brother, "not to be good."</p> + +<p>And he left her to go to his beautiful Limeuil. You can +imagine that being unable to refuse to receive the burning +glances of the lady, during meal times, and the evenings, there +was a fire nourished that warmed them both, but she was compelled +to live without touching her cavalier, otherwise than with her +eyes. Thus occupied, Marie d'Annebaut was fortified at every +point against the gallants of the Court, for there are no bounds +so impassable as those of love, and no better guardian; it is +like the devil, he whom it has in its clutches it surrounds with +flames. One evening, Lavalliere having escorted his friend's wife +to a dance given by Queen Catherine, he danced with the fair +Limeuil, with whom he was madly in love. At that time the knights +carried on their amours bravely two by two, and even in troops. +Now all the ladies were jealous of La Limeuil, who at that time +was thinking of yielding to the handsome Lavalliere. Before +taking their places in the quadrille, she had given him the +sweetest of assignations for the morrow, during the hunt. Our +great Queen Catherine, who from political motives fermented these +loves and stirred them up, like pastrycooks make the oven fires +burn by poking, glanced at all the pretty couples interwoven in +the quadrille, and said to her husband--</p> + +<p>"When they combat here, can they conspire against you, +eh?"</p> + +<p>"Ah! but the Protestants?"</p> + +<p>"Bah! have them here as well," said she, laughing. "Why, look +at Lavalliere, who is suspected to be a Huguenot; he is converted +by my dear little Limeuil, who does not play her cards badly for +a young lady of sixteen. He will soon have her name down in his +list."</p> + +<p>"Ah, Madame! do not believe it," said Marie d'Annebaut, "he is +ruined through that same sickness of Naples which made you +queen."</p> + +<p>At this artless confession, Catherine, the fair Diana, and the +king, who were sitting together, burst out laughing, and the +thing ran round the room. This brought endless shame and mockery +upon Lavalliere. The poor gentleman, pointed at by everyone, soon +wished somebody else in his shoes, for La Limeuil, who his rivals +had not been slow laughingly to warn of her danger, appeared to +shrink from her lover, so rapid was the spread, and so violent +the apprehensions of this nasty disease. Thus Lavalliere found +himself abandoned by everyone like a leper. The king made an +offensive remark, and the good knight quitted the ball-room, +followed by poor Marie in despair at the speech. She had in every +way ruined the man she loved: she had destroyed his honour, and +marred his life, since the physicians and master surgeons advance +as a fact, incapable of contradiction, that persons Italianised +by this love sickness, lost through it their greatest +attractions, as well as their generative powers, and their bones +went black.</p> + +<p>Thus no woman would bind herself in legitimate marriage with +the finest gentlemen in the kingdom if he were only suspected of +being one of those whom Master Frances Rabelais named "his very +precious scabby ones. . . . ."</p> + +<p>As the handsome knight was very silent and melancholy, his +companion said to him on the road home from Hercules House, where +the fete had been held--</p> + +<p>"My dear lord, I have done you a great mischief."</p> + +<p>"Ah, madame!" replied Lavalliere, "my hurt is curable; but +into what a predicament have you fallen? You should not have been +aware of the danger of my love."</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "I am sure now always to have you to myself; +in exchange for this great obloquy and dishonour, I will be +forever your friend, your hostess, and your lady-love--more than +that, your servant. My determination is to devote myself to you +and efface the traces of this shame; to cure you by a watch and +ward; and if the learned in these matters declare that the +disease has such a hold of you that it will kill you like our +defunct sovereign, I must still have your company in order to die +gloriously in dying of your complaint. Even then," said she, +weeping, "that will not be penance enough to atone for the wrong +I have done you."</p> + +<p>These words were accompanied with big tears; her virtuous +heart waxed faint, she fell to the ground exhausted. Lavalliere, +terrified, caught her and placed his hand upon her heart, below a +breast of matchless beauty. The lady revived at the warmth of +this beloved hand, experiencing such exquisite delights as nearly +to make her again unconscious.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said she, "this sly and superficial caress will be for +the future the only pleasure of our love. It will still be a +hundred times better than the joys which poor Maille fancies he +is bestowing on me. . . . Leave your hand there," said she; +"verily it is upon my soul, and touches it."</p> + +<p>At these words the knight was in a pitiful plight, and +innocently confessed to the Lady that he experienced so much +pleasure at this touch that the pains of his malady increased, +and that death was preferable to this martyrdom.</p> + +<p>"Let us die then," said she.</p> + +<p>But the litter was in the courtyard of the hotel, and as the +means of death was not handy, each one slept far from the other, +heavily weighed down with love, Lavalliere having lost his fair +Limeuil, and Marie d'Annebaut having gained pleasures without +parallel.</p> + +<p>From this affair, which was quite unforeseen, Lavalliere found +himself under the ban of love and marriage and dared no longer +appear in public, and he found how much it costs to guard the +virtue of a woman; but the more honour and virtue he displayed +the more pleasure did he experience in these great sacrifices +offered at the shrine of brotherhood. Nevertheless, his duty was +very bitter, very ticklish, and intolerable to perform, towards +the last days of his guard. And in this way.</p> + +<p>The confession of her love, which she believed was returned, +the wrong done by her to her cavalier, and the experience of an +unknown pleasure, emboldened the fair Marie, who fell into a +platonic love, gently tempered with those little indulgences in +which there is no danger. From this cause sprang the diabolical +pleasures of the game invented by the ladies, who since the death +of Francis the First feared the contagion, but wished to gratify +their lovers. To these cruel delights, in order to properly play +his part, Lavalliere could not refuse his sanction. Thus every +evening the mournful Marie would attach her guest to her +petticoats, holding his hand, kissing him with burning glances, +her cheek placed gently against his, and during this virtuous +embrace, in which the knight was held like the devil by a holy +water brush, she told him of her great love, which was boundless +since it stretched through the infinite spaces of unsatisfied +desire. All the fire with which the ladies endow their +substantial amours, when the night has no other lights than their +eyes, she transferred into the mystic motions of her head, the +exultations of her soul, and the ecstasies of her heart. Then, +naturally, and with the delicious joy of two angels united by +thought alone, they intoned together those sweet litanies +repeated by the lovers of the period in honour of love--anthems +which the abbot of Theleme has paragraphically saved from +oblivion by engraving them on the walls of his Abbey, situated, +according to master Alcofribas, in our land of Chinon, where I +have seen them in Latin, and have translated them for the benefit +of Christians.</p> + +<p>"Alas!" said Marie d'Annebaut, "thou art my strength and my +life, my joy and my treasure."</p> + +<p>"And you," replied he "you are a pearl, an angel."</p> + +<p>"Thou art my seraphim."</p> + +<p>"You my soul."</p> + +<p>"Thou my God."</p> + +<p>"You my evening star and morning star, my honour, my beauty, +my universe."</p> + +<p>"Thou my great my divine master."</p> + +<p>"You my glory, my faith, my religion."</p> + +<p>"Thou my gentle one, my handsome one, my courageous one, my +dear one, my cavalier, my defender, my king, my love. "</p> + +<p>"You my fairy, the flower of my days, the dream of my +nights."</p> + +<p>"Thou my thought at every moment."</p> + +<p>"You the delights of my eyes."</p> + +<p>"Thou the voice of my soul."</p> + +<p>"You my light by day."</p> + +<p>"Thou my glimmer in the night."</p> + +<p>"You the best beloved among women."</p> + +<p>"Thou the most adored of men."</p> + +<p>"You my blood, a myself better than myself."</p> + +<p>"Thou art my heart, my lustre."</p> + +<p>"You my saint, my only joy."</p> + +<p>"I yield thee the palm of love, and how great so'er mine be, I +believe thou lovest me still more, for thou art the lord."</p> + +<p>"No; the palm is yours, my goddess, my Virgin Marie."</p> + +<p>"No; I am thy servant, thine handmaiden, a nothing thou canst +crush to atoms."</p> + +<p>"No, no! it is I who am your slave, your faithful page, whom +you see as a breath of air, upon whom you can walk as on a +carpet. My heart is your throne."</p> + +<p>"No, dearest, for thy voice transfigures me."</p> + +<p>"Your regard burns me."</p> + +<p>"I see but thee."</p> + +<p>"I love but you."</p> + +<p>"Oh! put thine hand upon my heart--only thine hand--and thou +will see me pale, when my blood shall have taken the heat of +thine."</p> + +<p>Then during these struggles their eyes, already ardent, flamed +still more brightly, and the good knight was a little the +accomplice of the pleasure which Marie d'Annebaut took in feeling +his hand upon her heart. Now, as in this light embrace all their +strength was put forth, all their desires strained, all their +ideas of the thing concentrated, it happened that the knight's +transport reached a climax. Their eyes wept warm tears, they +seized each other hard and fast as fire seizes houses; but that +was all. Lavalliere had promised to return safe and sound to his +friend the body only, not the heart.</p> + +<p>When Maille announced his return, it was quite time, since no +virtue could avoid melting upon this gridiron; and the less +licence the lovers had, the more pleasure they had in their +fantasies.</p> + +<p>Leaving Marie d'Annebaut, the good companion in arms went as +far as Bondy to meet his friend, to help him to pass through the +forest without accident, and the two brothers slept together, +according to the ancient custom, in the village of Bondy.</p> + +<p>There, in their bed, they recounted to each other, one of the +adventures of his journey, the other the gossip of the camp, +stories of gallantry, and the rest. But Maille's first question +was touching Marie d'Annebaut, whom Lavalliere swore to be intact +in that precious place where the honour of husbands is lodged; at +which the amorous Maille was highly delighted.</p> + +<p>On the morrow, they were all three re-united, to the great +disgust of Marie, who, with the high jurisprudence of women, made +a great fuss with her good husband, but with her finger she +indicated her heart in an artless manner to Lavalliere, as one +who said, "This is thine!"</p> + +<p>At supper Lavalliere announced his departure for the wars. +Maille was much grieved at this resolution, and wished to +accompany his brother; that Lavalliere refused him point +blank.</p> + +<p>"Madame," said he to Marie d'Annebaut, "I love you more than +life, but not more than honour."</p> + +<p>He turned pale saying this, and Madame de Maille blanched +hearing him, because never in their amorous dalliance had there +been so much true love as in this speech. Maille insisted on +keeping his friend company as far as Meaux. When he came back he +was talking over with his wife the unknown reasons and secret +causes of this departure, when Marie, who suspected the grief of +poor Lavalliere said, "I know: he is ashamed to stop here because +he has the Neapolitan sickness."</p> + +<p>"He!" said Maille, quite astonished. "I saw him when we were +in bed together at Bondy the other evening, and yesterday at +Meaux. There's nothing the matter with him; he is as sound as a +bell."</p> + +<p>The lady burst into tears, admiring this great loyalty, the +sublime resignation to his oath, and the extreme sufferings of +this internal passion. But as she still kept her love in the +recesses of her heart, she died when Lavalliere fell before Metz, +as has been elsewhere related by Messire Bourdeilles de Brantome +in his tittle-tattle.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE VICAR OF AZAY-LE-RIDEAU</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>In those days the priests no longer took any woman in +legitimate marriage, but kept good mistresses as pretty as they +could get; which custom has since been interdicted by the +council, as everyone knows, because, indeed, it was not pleasant +that the private confessions of people should be retold to a +wench who would laugh at them, besides the other secret +doctrines, ecclesiastical arrangements, and speculations which +are part and parcel of the politics of the Church of Rome. The +last priest in our country who theologically kept a woman in his +parsonage, regaling her with his scholastic love, was a certain +vicar of Azay-le-Ridel, a place later on most aptly named as +Azay-le-Brule, and now Azay-le-Rideau, whose castle is one of the +marvels of Touraine. Now this said period, when the women were +not averse to the odour of the priesthood, is not so far distant +as some may think, Monsieur D'Orgemont, son of the preceding +bishop, still held the see of Paris, and the great quarrels of +the Armagnacs had not finished. To tell the truth, this vicar did +well to have his vicarage in that age, since he was well shapen, +of a high colour, stout, big, strong, eating and drinking like a +convalescent, and indeed, was always rising from a little malady +that attacked him at certain times; and, later on, he would have +been his own executioner, had he determined to observe his +canonical continence. Add to this that he was a Tourainian, id +est, dark, and had in his eyes flame to light, and water to +quench all the domestic furnaces that required lighting or +quenching; and never since at Azay has been such vicar seen! A +handsome vicar was he, square-shouldered, fresh coloured, always +blessing and chuckling, preferred weddings and christenings to +funerals, a good joker, pious in Church, and a man in everything. +There have been many vicars who have drunk well and eaten well; +others who have blessed abundantly and chuckled consumedly; but +all of them together would hardly make up the sterling worth of +this aforesaid vicar; and he alone has worthily filled his post +with benedictions, has held it with joy, and in it has consoled +the afflicted, all so well, that no one saw him come out of his +house without wishing to be in his heart, so much was he beloved. +It was he who first said in a sermon that the devil was not so +black as he was painted, and who for Madame de Cande transformed +partridges into fish saying that the perch of the Indre were +partridges of the river, and, on the other hand, partridges perch +in the air. He never played artful tricks under the cloak of +morality, and often said, jokingly, he would rather be in a good +bed then in anybody's will, that he had plenty of everything, and +wanted nothing. As for the poor and suffering, never did those +who came to ask for wool at the vicarage go away shorn, for his +hand was always in his pocket, and he melted (he who in all else +was so firm) at the sight of all this misery and infirmity, and +he endeavoured to heal all their wounds. There have been many +good stories told concerning this king of vicars. It was he who +caused such hearty laughter at the wedding of the lord of +Valennes, near Sacche. The mother of the said lord had a good +deal to do with the victuals, roast meats and other delicacies, +of which there was sufficient quantity to feed a small town at +least, and it is true, at the same time, that people came to the +wedding from Montbazon, from Tours, from Chinon, from Langeais, +and from everywhere, and stopped eight days.</p> + +<p>Now the good vicar, as he was going into the room where the +company were enjoying themselves, met the little kitchen boy, who +wished to inform Madame that all the elementary substances and +fat rudiments, syrups, and sauces, were in readiness for a +pudding of great delicacy, the secret compilation, mixing, and +manipulation of which she wished herself to superintend, +intending it as a special treat for her daughter-in-law's +relations. Our vicar gave the boy a tap on the cheek, telling him +that he was too greasy and dirty to show himself to people of +high rank, and that he himself would deliver the said message. +The merry fellow pushes open the door, shapes the fingers of his +left hand into the form of a sheath, and moves gently therein the +middle finger of his right, at the same time looking at the lady +of Valennes, and saying to her, "Come, all is ready." Those who +did not understand the affair burst out laughing to see Madame +get up and go to the vicar, because she knew he referred to the +pudding, and not to that which the others imagined.</p> + +<p>But a true story is that concerning the manner in which this +worthy pastor lost his mistress, to whom the ecclesiastical +authorities allowed no successor; but, as for that, the vicar did +not want for domestic utensils. In the parish everyone thought it +an honour to lend him theirs, the more readily because he was not +the man to spoil anything, and was careful to clean them out +thoroughly, the dear man. But here are the facts. One evening the +good man came home to supper with a melancholy face, because he +had just put into the ground a good farmer, whose death came +about in a strange manner, and is still frequently talked about +in Azay. Seeing that he only ate with the end of his teeth, and +turned up his nose at a dish of tripe, which had been cooked in +his own special manner, his good woman said to him--</p> + +<p>"Have you passed before the Lombard (see MASTER CORNELIUS +passim), met two black crows, or seen the dead man turn in his +grave, that you are so upset?"</p> + +<p>"Oh! Oh!"</p> + +<p>"Has anyone deceived you?"</p> + +<p>"Ha! Ha!"</p> + +<p>"Come, tell me!"</p> + +<p>"My dear, I am still quite overcome at the death of poor +Cochegrue, and there is not at the present moment a good +housewife's tongue or a virtuous cuckold's lips that are not +talking about it."</p> + +<p>"And what was it?"</p> + +<p>"Listen! This poor Cochegrue was returning from market, having +sold his corn and two fat pigs. He was riding his pretty mare, +who, near Azay, commenced to caper about without the slightest +cause, and poor Cochegrue trotted and ambled along counting his +profits. At the corner of the old road of the Landes de +Charlemagne, they came upon a stallion kept by the Sieur de la +Carte, in a field, in order to have a good breed of horses, +because the said animal was fleet of foot, as handsome as an +abbot, and so high and mighty that the admiral who came to see +it, said it was a beast of the first quality. This cursed horse +scented the pretty mare; like a cunning beast, neither neighed +nor gave vent to any equine ejaculation, but when she was close +to the road, leaped over forty rows of vines and galloped after +her, pawing the ground with his iron shoes, discharging the +artillery of a lover who longs for an embrace, giving forth +sounds to set the strongest teeth on edge, and so loudly, that +the people of Champy heard it and were much terrified +thereat.</p> + +<p>Cochegrue, suspecting the affair, makes for the moors, spurs +his amorous mare, relying upon her rapid pace, and indeed, the +good mare understands, obeys, and flies--flies like a bird, but a +bowshot off follows the blessed horse, thundering along the road +like a blacksmith beating iron, and at full speed, his mane +flying in the wind, replying to the sound of the mare's swift +gallop with his terrible pat-a-pan! pat-a-pan! Then the good +farmer, feeling death following him in the love of the beast, +spurs anew his mare, and harder still she gallops, until at last, +pale and half dead with fear, he reaches the outer yard of his +farmhouse, but finding the door of the stable shut he cries, +'Help here! Wife!' Then he turned round on his mare, thinking to +avoid the cursed beast whose love was burning, who was wild with +passion, and growing more amorous every moment, to the great +danger of the mare. His family, horrified at the danger, did not +go to open the stable door, fearing the strange embrace and the +kicks of the iron-shod lover. At last, Cochegrue's wife went, but +just as the good mare was half way through the door, the cursed +stallion seized her, squeezed her, gave her a wild greeting, with +his two legs gripped her, pinched her and held her tight, and at +the same time so kneaded and knocked about Cochegrue that there +was only found of him a shapeless mass, crushed like a nut after +the oil has been distilled from it. It was shocking to see him +squashed alive and mingling his cries with the loud love-sighs of +the horse."</p> + +<p>"Oh! the mare!" exclaimed the vicar's good wench.</p> + +<p>"What!" said the priest astonished.</p> + +<p>"Certainly. You men wouldn't have cracked a plumstone for +us."</p> + +<p>"There," answered the vicar, "you wrong me." The good man +threw her so angrily upon the bed, attacked and treated her so +violently that she split into pieces, and died immediately +without either surgeons or physicians being able to determine the +manner in which the solution of continuity was arrived at, so +violently disjointed were the hinges and mesial partitions. You +can imagine that he was a proud man, and a splendid vicar as has +been previously stated.</p> + +<p>The good people of the country, even the women, agreed that he +was not to blame, but that his conduct was warranted by the +circumstances.</p> + +<p>From this, perhaps, came the proverb so much in use at that +time, Que l'aze le saille! The which proverb is really so much +coarser in its actual wording, that out of respect for the ladies +I will not mention it. But this was not the only clever thing +that this great and noble vicar achieved, for before this +misfortune he did such a stroke of business that no robbers dare +ask him how many angels he had in his pocket, even had they been +twenty strong and over to attack him. One evening when his good +woman was still with him, after supper, during which he had +enjoyed his goose, his wench, his wine, and everything, and was +reclining in his chair thinking where he could build a new barn +for the tithes, a message came for him from the lord of Sacche, +who was giving up the ghost and wished to reconcile himself with +God, receive the sacrament, and go through the usual ceremonies. +"He is a good man and loyal lord. I will go." said he. Thereupon +he passed into the church, took the silver box where the blessed +bread is, rang the little bell himself in order not to wake the +clerk, and went lightly and willingly along the roads. Near the +Gue-droit, which is a valley leading to the Indre across the +moors, our good vicar perceived a high toby. And what is a high +toby? It is a clerk of St. Nicholas. Well, what is that? That +means a person who sees clearly on a dark night, instructs +himself by examining and turning over purses, and takes his +degrees on the high road. Do you understand now? Well then, the +high toby waited for the silver box, which he knew to be of great +value.</p> + +<p>"Oh! oh!" said the priest, putting down the sacred vase on a +stone at the corner of the bridge, "stop thou there without +moving."</p> + +<p>Then he walked up to the robber, tipped him up, seized his +loaded stick, and when the rascal got up to struggle with him, he +gutted him with a blow well planted in the middle of his stomach. +Then he picked up the viaticum again, saying bravely to it: "Ah! +If I had relied upon thy providence, we should have been lost." +Now to utter these impious words on the road to Sacche was mere +waste of breath, seeing that he addressed them not to God, but to +the Archbishop of Tours, who have once severely rebuked him, +threatened him with suspension, and admonished him before the +Chapter for having publicly told certain lazy people that a good +harvest was not due to the grace of God, but to skilled labour +and hard work--a doctrine which smelt of the fagot. And indeed he +was wrong, because the fruits of the earth have need both of one +and the other; but he died in this heresy, for he could never +understand how crops could come without digging, if God so willed +it--a doctrine that learned men have since proved to be true, by +showing that formerly wheat grew very well without the aid of +man. I cannot leave this splendid model of a pastor without +giving here one of the acts of his life, which proves with what +fervour he imitated the saints in the division of their goods and +mantles, which they gave formerly to the poor and the passers-by. +One day, returning from Tours, where he had been paying his +respects to the official, mounted on his mule, he was nearing +Azay. On the way, just out side Ballan, he met a pretty girl on +foot, and was grieved to see a woman travelling like a dog; the +more so as she was visibly fatigued, and could scarcely raise one +foot before the other. He whistled to her softly, and the pretty +wench turned round and stopped. The good priest, who was too good +a sportsman to frighten the birds, especially the hooded ones, +begged her so gently to ride behind him on his mule, and in so +polite a fashion, that the lass got up; not without making those +little excuses and grimaces that they all make when one invites +them to eat, or to take what they like. The sheep paired off with +the shepherd, the mule jogged along after the fashion of mules, +while the girl slipped now this way now that, riding so +uncomfortably that the priest pointed out to her, after leaving +Ballan, that she had better hold on to him; and immediately my +lady put her plump arms around the waist of her cavalier, in a +modest and timorous manner.</p> + +<p>"There, you don't slip about now. Are you comfortable?" said +the vicar.</p> + +<p>"Yes, I am comfortable. Are you?"</p> + +<p>"I?" said the priest, "I am better than that."</p> + +<p>And, in fact, he was quite at his ease, and was soon gently +warmed in the back by two projections which rubbed against it, +and at last seemed as though they wished to imprint themselves +between his shoulder blades, which would have been a pity, as +that was not the place for this white merchandise. By degrees the +movement of mule brought into conjunction the internal warmth of +these two good riders, and their blood coursed more quickly +through their veins, seeing that it felt the motion of the mule +as well as their own; and thus the good wench and the vicar +finished by knowing each other's thoughts, but not those of the +mule. When they were both acclimatised, he with her and she with +him, they felt an internal disturbance which resolved itself into +secret desires.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said the vicar, turning round to his companion, "here is +a fine cluster of trees which has grown very thick."</p> + +<p>"It is too near the road," replied the girl. "bad boys have +cut the branches, and the cows have eaten the young leaves."</p> + +<p>"Are you not married?" asked the vicar, trotting his animal +again.</p> + +<p>"No," said she.</p> + +<p>"Not at all?"</p> + +<p>"I'faith! No!"</p> + +<p>"What a shame, at your age!"</p> + +<p>"You are right, sir; but you see, a poor girl who has had a +child is a bad bargain."</p> + +<p>Then the good vicar taking pity on such ignorance, and knowing +that the canons say among other things that pastors should +indoctrinate their flock and show them the duties and +responsibilities of this life, he thought he would only be +discharging the functions of his office by showing her the burden +she would have one day to bear. Then he begged her gently not be +afraid, for if she would have faith in his loyalty no one should +ever know of the marital experiment which he proposed then and +there to perform with her; and as, since passing Ballan the girl +had thought of nothing else; as her desire had been carefully +sustained, and augmented by the warm movements of the animal, she +replied harshly to the vicar, "if you talk thus I will get down." +Then the good vicar continued his gentle requests so well that on +reaching the wood of Azay the girl wished to get down, and the +priest got down there too, for it was not across a horse that +this discussion could be finished. Then the virtuous maiden ran +into the thickest part of the wood to get away from the vicar, +calling out, "Oh, you wicked man, you shan't know where I +am."</p> + +<p>The mule arrived in a glade where the grass was good, the girl +tumbled down over a root and blushed. The good vicar came to her, +and there as he had rung the bell for mass he went through the +service for her, and both freely discounted the joys of paradise. +The good priest had it in his heart to thoroughly instruct her, +and found his pupil very docile, as gentle in mind as soft in the +flesh, a perfect jewel. Therefore was he much aggrieved at having +so much abridged the lessons by giving it at Azay, seeing that he +would have been quite willing to recommence it, like all of +precentors who say the same thing over and over again to their +pupils.</p> + +<p>"Ah! little one," cried the good man, "why did you make so +much fuss that we only came to an understanding close to +Azay?"</p> + +<p>"Ah!" said she, "I belong to Bellan."</p> + +<p>To be brief, I must tell you that when this good man died in +his vicarage there was a great number of people, children and +others, who came, sorrowful, afflicted, weeping, and grieved, and +all exclaimed, "Ah! we have lost our father." And the girls, the +widows, the wives and little girls looked at each other, +regretting him more than a friend, and said, "He was more than a +priest, he was a man!" Of these vicars the seed is cast to the +winds, and they will never be reproduced in spite of the +seminaries.</p> + +<p>Why, even the poor, to whom his savings were left, found +themselves still the losers, and an old cripple whom he had +succoured hobbled into the churchyard, crying "I don't die! I +don't!" meaning to say, "Why did not death take me in his place?" +This made some of the people laugh, at which the shade of the +good vicar would certainly not have been displeased.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">THE REPROACH</h2> + +<p> </p> + +<p>The fair laundress of Portillon-les-Tours, of whom a droll +saying has already been given in this book, was a girl blessed +with as much cunning as if she had stolen that of six priests and +three women at least. She did not want for sweethearts, and had +so many that one would have compared them, seeing them around +her, to bees swarming of an evening towards their hive. An old +silk dyer, who lived in the Rue St. Montfumier, and there +possessed a house of scandalous magnificence, coming from his +place at La Grenadiere, situated on the fair borders of St. Cyr, +passed on horseback through Portillon in order to gain the Bridge +of Tours. By reason of the warmth of the evening, he was seized +with a wild desire on seeing the pretty washerwoman sitting upon +her door-step. Now as for a very long time he had dreamed of this +pretty maid, his resolution was taken to make her his wife, and +in a short time she was transformed from a washerwoman into a +dyer's wife, a good townswoman, with laces, fine linen, and +furniture to spare, and was happy in spite of the dyer, seeing +that she knew very well how to manage him. The good dyer had for +a crony a silk machinery manufacturer who was small in stature, +deformed for life, and full of wickedness. So on the wedding-day +he said to the dyer, "You have done well to marry, my friend, we +shall have a pretty wife!"; and a thousand sly jokes, such as it +is usual to address to a bridegroom.</p> + +<p>In fact, this hunchback courted the dyer's wife, who from her +nature, caring little for badly built people, laughed to scorn +the request of the mechanician, and joked him about the springs, +engines, and spools of which his shop was full. However, this +great love of the hunchback was rebuffed by nothing, and became +so irksome to the dyer's wife that she resolved to cure it by a +thousand practical jokes. One evening, after the sempiternal +pursuit, she told her lover to come to the back door and towards +midnight she would open everything to him. Now note, this was on +a winter's night; the Rue St.Montfumier is close to the Loire, +and in this corner there continually blow in winter, winds sharp +as a hundred needle-points. The good hunchback, well muffled up +in his mantle, failed not to come, and trotted up and down to +keep himself warm while waiting for the appointed hour. Towards +midnight he was half frozen, as fidgety as thirty-two devils +caught in a stole, and was about to give up his happiness, when a +feeble light passed by the cracks of the window and came down +towards the little door.</p> + +<p>"Ah, it is she!" said he.</p> + +<p>And this hope warned him once more. Then he got close to the +door, and heard a little voice--</p> + +<p>"Are you there?" said the dyer's wife to him.</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Cough, that I may see."</p> + +<p>The hunchback began to cough.</p> + +<p>"It is not you."</p> + +<p>Then the hunchback said aloud--</p> + +<p>"How do you mean, it is not I? Do you not recognise my voice? +Open the door!"</p> + +<p>"Who's there?" said the dyer, opening the window.</p> + +<p>"There, you have awakened my husband, who returned from +Amboise unexpectedly this evening."</p> + +<p>Thereupon the dyer, seeing by the light of the moon a man at +the door, threw a big pot of cold water over him, and cried out, +"Thieves! thieves!" in such a manner that the hunchback was +forced to run away; but in his fear he failed to clear the chain +stretched across the bottom of the road and fell into the common +sewer, which the sheriff had not then replaced by a sluice to +discharge the mud into the Loire. In this bath the mechanician +expected every moment to breathe his last, and cursed the fair +Tascherette, for her husband's name being Taschereau, she was so +called by way of a little joke by the people of Tours.</p> + +<p>Carandas--for so was named the manufacturer of machines to +weave, to spin, to spool, and to wind the silk--was not +sufficiently smitten to believe in the innocence of the dyer's +wife, and swore a devilish hate against her. But some days +afterwards, when he had recovered from his wetting in the dyer's +drain he came up to sup with his old comrade. Then the dyer's +wife reasoned with him so well, flavoured her words with so much +honey, and wheedled him with so many fair promises, that he +dismissed his suspicions.</p> + +<p>He asked for a fresh assignation, and the fair Tascherette +with the face of a woman whose mind is dwelling on a subject, +said to him, "Come tomorrow evening; my husband will be staying +some days at Chinonceaux. The queen wishes to have some of her +old dresses dyed and would settle the colours with him. It will +take some time."</p> + +<p>Carandas put on his best clothes, failed not to keep the +appointment, appeared at the time fixed, and found a good supper +prepared, lampreys, wine of Vouvray, fine white napkins--for it +was not necessary to remonstrate with the dyer's wife on the +colour of her linen--and everything so well prepared that it was +quite pleasant to him to see the dishes of fresh eels, to smell +the good odour of the meats, and to admire a thousand little +nameless things about the room, and La Tascherette fresh and +appetising as an apple on a hot day. Now, the mechanician, +excited to excess by these warm preparations, was on the point of +attacking the charms of the dyer's wife, when Master Taschereau +gave a loud knock at the street door.</p> + +<p>"Ha!" said madame, "what has happened? Put yourself in the +clothes chest, for I have been much abused respecting you; and if +my husband finds you, he may undo you; he is so violent in his +temper."</p> + +<p>And immediately she thrust the hunchback into the chest, and +went quickly to her good husband, whom she knew well would be +back from Chinonceaux to supper. Then the dyer was kissed warmly +on both his eyes and on both his ears and he caught his good wife +to him and bestowed upon her two hearty smacks with his lips that +sounded all over the room. Then the pair sat down to supper, +talked together and finished by going to bed; and the mechanician +heard all, though obliged to remain crumpled up, and not to cough +or to make a single movement. He was in with the linen, crushed +up as close as a sardine in a box, and had about as much air as +he would have had at the bottom of a river; but he had, to divert +him, the music of love, the sighs of the dyer, and the little +jokes of La Tascherette. At last, when he fancied his old comrade +was asleep, he made an attempt to get out of the chest.</p> + +<p>"Who is there?" said the dyer.</p> + +<p>"What is the matter my little one?" said his wife, lifting her +nose above the counterpane.</p> + +<p>"I heard a scratching," said the good man.</p> + +<p>"We shall have rain to-morrow; it's the cat," replied his +wife.</p> + +<p>The good husband put his head back upon the pillow after +having been gently embraced by his spouse. "There, my dear, you +are a light sleeper. It's no good trying to make a proper husband +of you. There, be good. Oh! oh! my little papa, your nightcap is +on one side. There, put it on the other way, for you must look +pretty even when you are asleep. There! are you all right?"</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>"Are you sleep?" said she, giving him a kiss.</p> + +<p>"Yes."</p> + +<p>In the morning the dyer's wife came softly and let out the +mechanician, who was whiter than a ghost.</p> + +<p>"Give me air, give me air!" said he.</p> + +<p>And away he ran cured of his love, but with as much hate in +his heart as a pocket could hold of black wheat. The said +hunchback left Tours and went to live in the town of Bruges, +where certain merchants had sent for him to arrange the machinery +for making hauberks.</p> + +<p>During his long absence, Carandas, who had Moorish blood in +his veins, since he was descended from an ancient Saracen left +half dead after the great battle which took place between the +Moors and the French in the commune of Bellan (which is mentioned +in the preceding tale), in which place are the Landes of +Charlemagne, where nothing grows because of the cursed wretches +and infidels there interred, and where the grass disagrees even +with the cows--this Carandas never rose up or lay down in a +foreign land without thinking of how he could give strength to +his desires of vengeance; and he was dreaming always of it, and +wishing nothing less than the death of the fair washerwoman of +Portillon and often would cry out "I will eat her flesh! I will +cook one of her breasts, and swallow it without sauce!" It was a +tremendous hate of good constitution--a cardinal hate--a hate of +a wasp or an old maid. It was all known hates moulded into one +single hate, which boiled itself, concocted itself, and resolved +self into an elixir of wicked and diabolical sentiments, warmed +at the fire of the most flaming furnaces of hell--it was, in +fact, a master hate.</p> + +<p>Now one fine day, the said Carandas came back into Touraine +with much wealth, that he brought from the country of Flanders, +where he had sold his mechanical secrets. He bought a splendid +house in Rue St. Montfumier, which is still to be seen, and is +the astonishment of the passers-by, because it has certain very +queer round humps fashioned upon the stones of the wall. +Carandas, the hater, found many notable changes at the house of +his friend, the dyer, for the good man had two sweet children, +who, by a curious chance, presented no resemblance either to the +mother or to the father. But as it is necessary that children +bear a resemblance to someone, there are certain people who look +for the features of their ancestors, when they are +good-looking--the flatters. So it was found by the good husband +that his two boys were like one of his uncles, formerly a priest +at Notre Dame de l'Egrignolles, but according to certain jokers, +these two children were the living portraits of a good-looking +shaven crown officiating in the Church of Notre Dame la Riche, a +celebrated parish situated between Tours and Plessis. Now, +believe one thing, and inculcate it upon your minds, and when in +this book you shall only have gleaned, gathered, extracted, and +learned this one principle of truth, look upon yourself as a +lucky man--namely, that a man can never dispense with his nose, +id est, that a man will always be snotty--that is to say, he will +remain a man, and thus will continue throughout all future +centuries to laugh and drink, to find himself in his shirt +without feeling either better or worse there, and will have the +same occupations. But these preparatory ideas are to better to +fix in the understanding that this two-footed soul will always +accept as true those things which flatter his passions, caress +his hates, or serve his amours: from this comes logic. So it was +that, the first day the above-mentioned Carandas saw his old +comrade's children, saw the handsome priest, saw the beautiful +wife of the dyer, saw La Taschereau, all seated at the table, and +saw to his detriment the best piece of lamprey given with a +certain air by La Tascherette to her friend the priest, the +mechanician said to himself, "My old friend is a cuckold, his +wife intrigues with the little confessor, and the children have +been begotten with his holy water. I'll show them that the +hunchbacks have something more than other men."</p> + +<p>And this was true--true as it is that Tours has always had its +feet in the Loire, like a pretty girl who bathes herself and +plays with the water, making a flick-flack, by beating the waves +with her fair white hands; for the town is more smiling, merry, +loving, fresh, flowery, and fragrant than all the other towns of +the world, which are not worthy to comb her locks or to buckle +her waistband. And be sure if you go there you will find, in the +centre of it, a sweet place, in which is a delicious street where +everyone promenades, where there is always a breeze, shade, sun, +rain, and love. Ha! ha! laugh away, but go there. It is a street +always new, always royal, always imperial--a patriotic street, a +street with two paths, a street open at both ends, a wide street, +a street so large that no one has ever cried, "Out of the way!" +there. A street which does not wear out, a street which leads to +the abbey of Grand-mont, and to a trench, which works very well +with the bridge, and at the end of which is a finer fair ground. +A street well paved, well built, well washed, as clean as a +glass, populous, silent at certain times, a coquette with a sweet +nightcap on its pretty blue tiles--to be short, it is the street +where I was born; it is the queen of streets, always between the +earth and sky; a street with a fountain; a street which lacks +nothing to be celebrated among streets; and, in fact, it is the +real street, the only street of Tours. If there are others, they +are dark, muddy, narrow, and damp, and all come respectfully to +salute this noble street, which commands them. Where am I? For +once in this street no one cares to come out of it, so pleasant +it is. But I owed this filial homage, this descriptive hymn sung +from the heart to my natal street, at the corners of which there +are wanting only the brave figures of my good master Rabelais, +and of Monsieur Descartes, both unknown to the people of the +country. To resume: the said Carandas was, on his return from +Flanders, entertained by his comrade, and by all those by whom he +was liked for his jokes, his drollery, and quaint remarks. The +good hunchback appeared cured of his old love, embraced the +children, and when he was alone with the dyer's wife, recalled +the night in the clothes-chest, and the night in the sewer, to +her memory, saying to her, "Ha, ha! what games you used to have +with me."</p> + +<p>"It was your own fault," said she, laughing. "If you had +allowed yourself by reason of your great love to be ridiculed, +made a fool of, and bantered a few more times, you might have +made an impression on me, like the others." Thereupon Carandas +commenced to laugh, though inwardly raging all the time. Seeing +the chest where he had nearly been suffocated, his anger +increased the more violently because the sweet creature had +become still more beautiful, like all those who are permanently +youthful from bathing in the water of youth, which waters are +naught less than the sources of love. The mechanician studied the +proceedings in the way of cuckoldom at his neighbour's house, in +order to revenge himself, for as many houses as there are so many +varieties of manner are there in this business; and although all +amours resemble each other in the same manner that all men +resemble each other, it is proved to the abstractors of true +things, that for the happiness of women, each love has its +especial physiognomy, and if there is nothing that resembles a +man so much as a man, there is also nothing differs from a man so +much as a man. That it is, which confuses all things, or explains +the thousand fancies of women, who seek the best men with a +thousand pains and a thousand pleasures, perhaps more the one +than the other. But how can I blame them for their essays, +changes, and contradictory aims? Why, Nature frisks and wriggles, +twists and turns about, and you expect a woman to remain still! +Do you know if ice is really cold? No. Well then, neither do you +know that cuckoldom is not a lucky chance, the produce of brains +well furnished and better made than all the others. Seek +something better than ventosity beneath the sky. This will help +to spread the philosophic reputation of this eccentric book. Oh +yes; go on. He who cries "vermin powder," is more advanced than +those who occupy themselves with Nature, seeing that she is a +proud jade and a capricious one, and only allows herself to be +seen at certain times. Do you understand? So in all languages +does she belong to the feminine gender, being a thing essentially +changeable and fruitful and fertile in tricks.</p> + +<p>Now Carandas soon recognised the fact that among cuckoldoms +the best understood and the most discreet is ecclesiastical +cuckoldom. This is how the good dyer's wife had laid her plans. +She went always towards her cottage at Grenadiere-les-St.-Cyr on +the eve of the Sabbath, leaving her good husband to finish his +work, to count up and check his books, and to pay his workmen; +then Taschereau would join her there on the morrow, and always +found a good breakfast ready and his good wife gay, and always +brought the priest with him. The fact is, this damnable priest +crossed the Loire the night before in a small boat, in order to +keep the dyer's wife warm, and to calm her fancies, in order that +she might sleep well during the night, a duty which young men +understand very well. Then this fine curber of phantasies got +back to his house in the morning by the time Taschereau came to +invite him to spend the day at La Grenadiere, and the cuckold +always found the priest asleep in his bed. The boatman being well +paid, no one knew anything of these goings on, for the lover +journeyed the night before after night fall, and on the Sunday in +the early morning. As soon as Carandas had verified the +arrangement and constant practice of these gallant diversions, he +determined to wait for a day when the lovers would meet, hungry +one for the other, after some accidental abstinence. This meeting +took place very soon, and the curious hunchback saw the boatman +waiting below the square, at the Canal St. Antoine, for the young +priest, who was handsome, blonde, slender, and well-shaped, like +the gallant and cowardly hero of love, so celebrated by Monsieur +Ariosto. Then the mechanician went to find the old dyer, who +always loved his wife and always believed himself the only man +who had a finger in her pie.</p> + +<p>"Ah!, good evening, old friend," said Carandas to Taschereau; +and Taschereau made him a bow.</p> + +<p>Then the mechanician relates to him all the secret festivals +of love, vomits words of peculiar import, and pricks the dyer on +all sides.</p> + +<p>At length, seeing he was ready to kill both his wife and the +priest, Carandas said to him, "My good neighbour, I had brought +back from Flanders a poisoned sword, which will instantly kill +anyone, if it only make a scratch upon him. Now, directly you +shall have merely touched your wench and her paramour, they will +die."</p> + +<p>"Let us go and fetch it," said the dyer.</p> + +<p>Then the two merchants went in great haste to the house of the +hunchback, to get the sword and rush off to the country.</p> + +<p>"But shall we find them in flagrante delicto?" asked +Taschereau.</p> + +<p>"You will see," said the hunchback, jeering his friend. In +fact, the cuckold had not long to wait to behold the joy of the +two lovers.</p> + +<p>The sweet wench and her well-beloved were busy trying to +catch, in a certain lake that you probably know, that little bird +that sometimes makes his nest there, and they were laughing and +trying, and still laughing.</p> + +<p>"Ah, my darling!" said she, clasping him, as though she wished +to make an outline of him on her chest, "I love thee so much I +should like to eat thee! Nay, more than that, to have you in my +skin, so that you might never quit me."</p> + +<p>"I should like it too," replied the priest, "but as you can't +have me altogether, you must try a little bit at a time."</p> + +<p>It was at this moment that the husband entered, he sword +unsheathed and flourished above him. The beautiful Tascherette, +who knew her lord's face well, saw what would be the fate of her +well-beloved the priest. But suddenly she sprang towards the good +man, half naked, her hair streaming over her, beautiful with +shame, but more beautiful with love, and cried to him, "Stay, +unhappy man! Wouldst thou kill the father of thy children?"</p> + +<p>Thereupon the good dyer staggered by the paternal majesty of +cuckoldom, and perhaps also by the fire of his wife's eyes, let +the sword fall upon the foot of the hunchback, who had followed +him, and thus killed him.</p> + +<p>This teaches us not to be spiteful.</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h2 align="center">EPILOGUE</h2> + +<p>Here endeth the first series of these Tales, a roguish sample +of the works of that merry Muse, born ages ago, in our fair land +of Touraine, the which Muse is a good wench, and knows by heart +that fine saying of her friend Verville, written in LE MOYEN DE +PARVENIR: It is only necessary to be bold to obtain favours. +Alas! mad little one, get thee to bed again, sleep; thou art +panting from thy journey; perhaps thou hast been further than the +present time. Now dry thy fair naked feet, stop thine ears, and +return to love. If thou dreamest other poesy interwoven with +laughter to conclude these merry inventions, heed not the foolish +clamour and insults of those who, hearing the carol of a joyous +lark of other days, exclaim: Ah, the horrid bird!</p> + +<p> </p> + +<h3 align="center">END OF THE FIRST TEN TALES.</h3> + +<p> </p> + +<br> +<br> +<br> +<br> +<pre> +*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK, DROLL STORIES [V. 1] *** + +This file should be named 1drll10h.htm or 1drll10h.zip +Corrected EDITIONS of our eBooks get a new NUMBER, 1drll11h.htm +VERSIONS based on separate sources get new LETTER, 1drll10ah.htm + + +Project Gutenberg eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the US +unless a copyright notice is included. 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