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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, August 11, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2006 [EBook #19151]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 11th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+"We doubt," says a contemporary, "if the Government has effected much
+by refusing to let Dr. MANNIX land on Irish shores." We agree. What
+is most wanted at the moment is that the Government should land on
+Ireland.
+
+       * * *
+
+We feel that the time is now ripe for somebody to pop up with the
+suggestion that the wet summer has been caused by the shooting in
+Belfast.
+
+       * * *
+
+Manchester City Council has decided to purchase the famous Free Trade
+Hall for the sum of ninety thousand pounds. A thorough search for
+the Sacred Principles of Liberalism, which are said to be concealed
+somewhere in the basement, will be undertaken as soon as the property
+changes hands.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is no truth in the report that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, after listening
+to the grand howl of the Wolf Cubs at Olympia, declared that it was a
+very tame affair for anyone used to listening to Mr. DEVLIN.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Kangaroos and wallabies," says a Colonial journalist, "are about the
+only things that the Australian sportsman can chase." Members of the
+M.C.C. team declare that they expect to change all that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Reports that the gold had been removed from the Bank of Ireland to
+this country for the sake of safety have caused consternation in
+Dublin. There was always a possibility, the Irish say, that the Sinn
+Feiners might not lay hands on the stuff, but there isn't one chance
+in a hundred of it getting past Sir ERIC GEDDES.
+
+       * * *
+
+_A propos_ of the growing reluctance on the part of railway servants
+to take tips from holiday-makers, it appears that they are merely
+following the example set by the higher officials. We have positive
+information that only a week or so since Sir ERIC GEDDES flatly
+refused to take a tip from _The Daily Mail_.
+
+       * * *
+
+While approving in principle of the proposal that the finger-prints of
+all children should be registered, Government officials point out that
+the expense would certainly be out of all proportion to the advantage
+obtained, in view of the prevailing high prices of jam.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is just this one consolation about the weather of late. So far
+the Government have not placed a tax on rain.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Soldiers are very dissatisfied with the way in which ex-service men
+are now being treated," states a Sunday paper. We understand that, if
+this dissatisfaction should spread, Mr. CHURCHILL may call upon the
+Army to resign.
+
+       * * *
+
+After exhaustive experiments Signor MARCONI has failed to obtain
+any wireless message from Mars. Much anxiety is being felt by those
+persons having friends or mining shares there.
+
+       * * *
+
+The youngest son of Sir ERIC GEDDES is learning to play golf. It
+is hoped by this plan to keep his mind off thoughts of a political
+career.
+
+       * * *
+
+A reader living in Aberdeen informs us that the last batch of Scotch
+refugees arrived from England last Thursday in an exhausted condition.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Cats are very poor swimmers," states a writer in a weekly journal.
+This no doubt accounts for the exceptionally high infantile mortality
+among these domestic pets.
+
+       * * *
+
+Last week a wedding at Ibstock, Leicestershire, had to be postponed
+after the ceremony had already begun, owing to the failure of the
+Registrar to appear. It was not until the best man, who denied having
+mislaid the Registrar, had been thoroughly searched that the ceremony
+was abandoned.
+
+       * * *
+
+A burglar accused of stealing sixteen volumes of classical poetry was
+sentenced to a month's imprisonment. The defence that he was insane
+was evidently ignored.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Westminster magistrate, the other day, described a prisoner as "a
+very clever thief." It is said that the fellow intends printing this
+testimonial on his letter-paper.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man knocked down by a racing motorist in New York is reported to
+have had both legs and an arm fractured, several ribs broken, and
+other injuries. Motorists in this country incline to the theory that
+it was the work of an amateur.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Swiss guide recently discovered a chamois within sixty feet of the
+summit of the Jungfrau. Only on receiving the most explicit assurance
+that the Fourth Internationale would not be held at Grindelwald would
+the creature consent to resume its proper place in the landscape.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to the conductor of the Southern Syncopated Orchestra the
+modern fox-trot has been evolved from a primitive negro dance called
+"The Blues." The theory that the Blues are the logical outcome of a
+primitive negro dance called the fox-trot is thus exploded.
+
+       * * *
+
+A gentleman advertises for an island for men who are fed up with
+taxation. We can only say that Great Britain is just the very place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Laird._ "NOW, WHO ON EARTH MIGHT THOSE PEOPLE BE,
+DONALD, DRESSED LIKE TOURISTS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In some ways the American woman, it must be confessed, can give
+    we English points on good dressing."--_Evening Paper._
+
+She might now extend her beneficence and include some points on
+syntax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The clergy had to work far more than forty-eight hours per day,
+    but their pay was quite inadequate."--_Local Paper._
+
+We don't see how it would be possible to give adequate remuneration
+for such a feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+=IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY.=
+
+I was greatly pained to read, the other day, in one of our leading
+dailies a most violent and uncalled-for attack on a popular favourite.
+Perhaps I should say one who _was_ popular, for, alas, favourites have
+their day, and no doubt this attack was but to demolish the reputation
+of the setting star and enhance that of a rising one. Still it was
+unnecessarily churlish; it criticised not only the colour of her
+complexion, the exuberance of her presence, but her very name was held
+up to ridicule, the fault surely of her god-parents.
+
+There has been, not unnaturally, quite a sensation in her circle over
+this attack; Papa Gontier and Maman Cochet clasped each other's
+hands in sympathy and said, "What will people say next of _us_, a
+respectable and time-honoured old couple, if they flout pretty popular
+little Dorothy Perkins?" "Of course, if people who live in a brand-new
+red-brick villa choose to invite Dorothy into their garden, one
+can't expect her to look her best; but, after all, there's only that
+languishing Stella Gray who can stand such a trial as that, and
+perhaps the stout Frau Druschki." "She, poor thing, is quite out of
+favour just now--hardly mentioned in polite society. Quite under a
+cloud; in fact a greeting from Teplitz is the only one she gets."
+"Now William Allen Richardson (there's a ridiculous long name, if you
+like!) was saying only yesterday how grateful we should all feel to
+dear Dorothy, who never seems to mind the weather and cheers us up
+when all else fails." "I must say I don't feel quite sure of William's
+sincerity, he is so very changeable, you know, and does not _really_
+care to be seen in Dorothy's company."
+
+Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messime was quite hanging her head about
+it all. "_I_ live in harmony with _all_ my neighbours," she simpered.
+"Ah, yes," flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing manner of hers,
+"that's very easy to do for colourless people." At this Caroline
+Testout turned quite pale and stuttered, "Well, Dorothy _does_ scream
+so." "Hush, hush, my children," said the deep voice of the venerable
+Marshal Niel. Though yellow with extreme old age the old gentleman
+bore himself proudly and his dress was glossy and clean. "We all have
+our place in the world. Let carping critics say what they please,
+whether it is Dorothy in her gay gown or Liberty in her revolutionary
+wear, our showy American cousins, our well-beloved Scotch relations,
+or our Persian guests--they are _all_ welcome, _all_ beautiful."
+"Hear, hear!" murmured the other roses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY.=
+
+PROPOSALS--CARLYLE--BISMARCK--DISRAELI--A NEW BROWNING POEM--NAPOLEON
+ON LIVING BRITISH STATESMEN.
+
+    [Readers of the vivacious but too reticent serial now appearing in
+    _The Sunday Times_ may have noticed that the narrative is now and
+    then interrupted by a row of what Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, during
+    one of his conversations with Mrs. ASQUITH and JOWETT, called (to
+    the immense delight of the MASTER OF BALLIOL) "those damned dots."
+    Mr. Punch has, at fabulous expense, acquired the right to
+    publish certain of the omitted passages, a selection of which is
+    appended.]
+
+=Many Admirers.=
+
+No sooner was I in my earliest teens and had made up my mind as to
+the best cigarettes, than proposals began to be a matter of daily
+occurrence, so that whenever I saw the fifth footman or the third
+butler stealthily approaching me I knew that he was concealing a
+_billet doux_. Sometimes they were very flattering. Here is one,
+written in the big boyish hand of a Prince of the Blood:--
+
+    My beautiful, there is no one like you. They want me to marry the
+    daughter of a royal house, but if you will say "Yes" I will defy
+    them. We will be married by the Archbishop, who marries and buries
+    so beautifully; but I shall never need burying, because those who
+    marry you never die.
+
+Poor boy, I had to send him a negative by the fifteenth groom in the
+third phaeton, drawn by a pair of dashing chestnuts which another of
+my unsuccessful adorers had given me. I noticed that when they got
+back to Grosvenor Square the chestnuts had turned to greys.
+
+
+=The Sage of Chelsea.=
+
+THOMAS CARLYLE loved to have me trotting in and out of his house in
+Cheyne Row, and we had endless talks on the desirability of silence.
+"Yon wee Meg," he used to say, for he refused to call me "Margot,"
+declaring it was a Frenchified name--"yon wee Meg is the cleverest
+girl in Scotland--and the wittiest."
+
+I remember once that RUSKIN was there too, and we had a little breeze.
+
+RUSKIN (_patronisingly_). What do you think of the paintings of
+TURNER?
+
+MARGOT. He bores me.
+
+RUSKIN (_drawing in a long breath_). Bores you?
+
+MARGOT (_with a slow smile_). He probably bores you too, only you
+daren't admit it.
+
+What would have happened I cannot imagine had not dear old CARLYLE
+offered me a draw of his pipe, while remarking laughingly, "She's a
+wonder, is Meg; she'll lead the world yet."
+
+One day he asked me what I thought of his writing.
+
+MARGOT. Too jerky and overcharged.
+
+CARLYLE (_wincing_). I must try to improve. What is your theory of
+authorship?
+
+MARGOT. I think one should assume that everything that happens to
+oneself must be interesting to others.
+
+CARLYLE (_as though staggered by a new idea_). Why?
+
+MARGOT (_simply_). Because oneself is so precious, so unique.
+
+I asked him once what he really thought of Mrs. CARLYLE, but he
+changed the subject.
+
+
+=Bismarck.=
+
+It was in Berlin, when I was seventeen, that I met BISMARCK. It was at
+the Opera, where, being a young English girl, I was in the habit of
+going alone. The great Chancellor, who was all unconscious that I had
+penetrated his identity, watched me for a long while between the Acts
+and then overtook me on my way home and in French asked me to supper.
+
+MARGOT (_also in French_). But I am not hungry.
+
+BISMARCK. In Germany you should do as the Germans do and eat always;
+(_with emphasis_) I do.
+
+MARGOT (_scathingly_). I wonder if you are aware that I am English?
+
+BISMARCK (_muttering something I could not catch about England lying
+crushed at his feet_). But you are beautiful too! Some day you will be
+a countrywoman of mine.
+
+MARGOT. How?
+
+BISMARCK. Because we shall make war on England and conquer it, and it
+will then be our own and all of you will be our people and our slaves.
+At least we should conquer it if----
+
+MARGOT. If what?
+
+BISMARCK. If it were not for a young man who will then be Prime
+Minister. It is of him we are afraid.
+
+MARGOT. What is his name?
+
+BISMARCK. ASQUITH.
+
+Could prescience further go? BISMARCK then left me with another
+ungainly effort at French: _"Au revoir, Mademoiselle."_ But we never
+met again.
+
+=Disraeli's Last Days.=
+
+I was with DISRAELI (who was one of the few men who did not propose to
+me) not long before the end, and he gave me many confidences, although
+he knew all about my friendship with GLADSTONE. But then I have always
+chosen my friends impartially from all the camps. My exact memory
+enables me to repeat my last conversation with DIZZY word for word:--
+
+MARGOT. You look tired. Shall I dance for you?
+
+(_Continued on page 104_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REAL MUSIC.
+
+JOHN BULL. "I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR THE LADY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Wife (bitterly)._ "YES, IT MAKES A NICE OUTIN' FOR
+ME, DON'T IT--SETTIN' IN THE RAIN ALL DAY GUARDIN' A TIN O' WORMS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIZZY. No, no.
+
+MARGOT _(brightly_). Let us be sensible and talk frankly about your
+approaching death. Have you any views as to your biography?
+
+DIZZY. Need there be one?
+
+MARGOT. Of course.
+
+DIZZY (_earnestly_). Would you write it? You would be so discreet.
+
+I had to refuse, but I am sure I could have made a more amusing job of
+it than MR. BUCKLE has done, in spite of the love-letters. What a pity
+they didn't entrust it to my dear EDMUND GOSSE!
+
+=A Browning Poem.=
+
+Here is a little poem that BROWNING wrote for me on hearing me say
+that when we were girls "we did not know the meaning of the word
+'fast'":--
+
+  We all of us worship our Margot,
+  She's such a determined _escargot_.
+
+=Talks with the Dead.=
+
+The great NAPOLEON had died many years before I was born; and how
+unjust it is that the lives of really interesting people should not
+coincide! But with the assistance of my beloved OLIVER LODGE I have
+had many conversations with him. Our first opened in this manner:--
+
+MARGOT. Do you take any interest in current English politics?
+
+NAPOLEON. _Oui_ (Yes).
+
+MARGOT. What do you think of LLOYD GEORGE?
+
+NAPOLEON. An opportunist on horseback.
+
+MARGOT. I love riding too. I met most of my friends in the
+hunting-field. You should have seen me cantering into the hall of our
+town mansion. Who do you think our greatest statesman?
+
+NAPOLEON. ASQUITH beyond a doubt.
+
+Both PLATO and JULIUS CAESAR, whom my beloved OLIVER has also
+introduced to me, said the same thing.
+
+E. V. L.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+SOLOMON'S SEAL.
+
+  Oh, lordly was KING SOLOMON
+    A-stepping down so proud,
+  With his negro slaves and dancing girls
+    And all his royal crowd;
+  His peacocks and his viziers,
+    His eunuchs old and grey,
+  His gallants and his chamberlains
+    And glistening array.
+
+  Oh, blithesome was KING SOLOMON
+    That burning summer day
+  When lo! a humble shepherdess
+    Stood silent in his way;
+  Then stepped down kingly SOLOMON,
+    And proud and great stepped he,
+  And there he kissed the shepherdess--
+    Kissed one and two and three.
+
+  Then proudly turned the peasant-maid--
+    Pale as a ghost was she--
+  "For all ye are KING SOLOMON,
+    What make ye here so free?"
+  Oh, lordly laughed KING SOLOMON,
+    "Shalt be my queen," quoth he;
+  "These kisses pledged KING SOLOMON
+    And sealed him to thee."
+
+  Then on went splendid SOLOMON
+    And all his glittering band,
+  And the wondering white peasant-girl
+    He led her by the hand;
+  But in that place sprang flower-stems
+    All green, for kingly pride,
+  With the small white kisses hanging down
+    With which he sealed his bride.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SQUATTERS.
+
+Ursula came into the study, carrying something that had once been a
+photograph, but which the ravages of time had long since reduced to a
+faded and almost indecipherable problem.
+
+"Dear," she said, "you know this portrait of Clara's boy, the one
+in the sailor suit, from my writing-table? I was looking at it just
+now----"
+
+I interrupted her (it really was one of my rushed mornings). "I've
+been looking at it any time these fifteen years," I observed bitterly,
+"watching it become every day more and more fly-blown and like nothing
+on earth. What entitles it to special notice at this moment?"
+
+"Nothing--much," said Ursula; but from the tone of her voice
+experience taught me that sentiment was only just out of sight. "I was
+wondering whether to burn it----"
+
+"Good."
+
+"And then I thought that, as he was married the other day and is quite
+likely to have a boy of his own, it would be interesting to compare
+this early portrait."
+
+"It would," I assented grimly. Perhaps disappointment had made me
+brutal. "There's almost nothing, from the Alps at midnight to
+Royalty down a coalmine, with which it would not be equally safe and
+appropriate to compare it. Only, as I gather that this involves its
+continued existence for a further indefinite period, my one request is
+that in the meantime you remove it. Shut it in the safe. Bury it. But
+don't leave it about."
+
+"Aren't you being rather excited about nothing?"
+
+"No. This is a matter of principle, and I am speaking for your own
+good. Fifteen years ago that photograph, unframed and in the first
+flush of youth, was casually deposited on your writing-table. Perhaps
+you only meant to put it out of your hand for a moment while you
+attended to something else. But you know what the result has been. It
+has remained there, gradually establishing a prescriptive right. No
+doubt it has been dusted, with the rest of the room, seven times a
+week...."
+
+"Six times," said Ursula, smiling, but blushing a little too--I was
+glad to observe that.
+
+"... and as often been replaced. Its charm for the observant visitor
+has, to put the thing mildly, long since vanished. I doubt if
+either of us would so much as see it had it not attained for me the
+fascination of an eye-sore. Yet it stays on, simply because no one has
+the initiative to take action. To put it concisely, it is a squatter."
+
+"Don't be ridiculous."
+
+"I was never more serious in my life. This speckled travesty, this
+photographic mummy, is but one example out of many. I do not know
+whether other homes resemble ours in the same tendency towards the
+mausoleum. But I strongly suspect it."
+
+"What things are there besides this?" broke out Ursula, suddenly
+defensive. "Tell me a list of them."
+
+"You forget, sweetheart, that as a professional literary man my time,
+especially in the morning, has a certain commercial value, but I will
+endeavour to do as you ask. You would of course justly repudiate any
+comparison between your own artistic setting and those Victorian
+houses wherein the 'drawing-room book' reposed always in the same
+sacred corner. Yet in the matter of derelict articles we are
+millionaires, we are beset by squatters."
+
+I could see that Ursula was impressed, though she tried to conceal
+the fact. "Professional literary men seem to be strangely under the
+dominion of one word," she began coldly.
+
+At that moment a bell tinkled.
+
+"Eliza!" cried Ursula; "and I'm not dressed." As she fluttered from
+the room I had a distinct impression that she was not sorry for an
+excuse to break off the interview.
+
+I re-settled myself at my desk, smiling a little cynically. How
+long would the lesson last? Then I happened to glance towards the
+mantelpiece, beside which Ursula had been standing. There, hastily
+propped against the clock, was that detestable photograph. It still
+quivered in the movement of release, as though shaking its shoulders,
+settling down palpably for another decade. With an uncontrollable
+impulse I leapt up, seized the abomination and, flinging it on the
+floor, ground it to powder with my heel.
+
+In one word, the anti-squatting campaign had definitely begun.
+
+A. E.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Navvy._ "WHY DON'T YER WEAR THEM BOARDS THE RIGHT WAY
+ROUND?"
+
+_Sandwichman._ "WOT! IN ME DINNER-HOUR? NOT ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some five or six million years hence, therefore, it is
+    prophesied, the earth will fall into the grip of an ice age. There
+    will descend on all living things the blight of eternal cod."
+
+    _Scotch Paper._
+
+Although the danger is not immediate it deserves the serious
+consideration of the FOOD CONTROLLER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+=SQUISH.=
+
+_(Being some notes on a bye-path in politics.)_
+
+
+The Board of Agriculture has been biding its time. In the fierce light
+of publicity which has been beating of late upon Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Sir ERIC GEDDES the attempt of this rustic
+Ministry to assert itself has passed almost unnoticed. Our gaze has
+been fixed upon the London railway termini, upon Warsaw and upon
+Belfast; we have been neglecting Campden (Glos.). Yet in that town, I
+read, "the Ministry of Agriculture has completed arrangements for a
+commercial course in the State Fruit and Vegetable College to instruct
+students in the manufacture of preserved fruit products."
+
+I have considered the last part of the sentence quoted above very
+carefully in the light of the Rules and Regulations governing
+procedure in State Departments, Magna Carta, the Habeas Corpus Act and
+the Constitutions of Clarendon, and have come to the conclusion that
+it means "making jam." I am very sure, as the PRIME MINISTER would
+say, that things are about to happen in preserved fruit products;
+things will become very much worse and very much sterner in jam. And
+if in jam why then also in jelly and in marmalade. Even at this moment
+in the offices of the Board of Agriculture there are a number of
+clerks, I suppose, sitting with schedules in front of them, something
+like this:--
+
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |     |
+|            |candidates|candidates|candidates|candidates|candidates|     |
+|            |in        |awaiting  |fully     |trained   |full, but |Total|
+|            |training  |training  |trained   |but not   |not       |     |
+|            |in        |in        |          |full      |trained   |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|1. Jam      |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|2. Jelly    |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|3. Marmalade|          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|   Total    |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+
+The perfect beauty of schedules framed upon this model is only to be
+apprehended by those who realise that when they are filled in and
+added up correctly the figure at the base of the vertical "Total"
+column on the right is identical with the figure on the right of the
+horizontal "Total" column at the base. It is the haunting magic of
+this fact that gives to Government clerks the wistful far-away look
+which they habitually wear.
+
+It is not a good schedule this, of course--not a complete, not an
+exhaustive one. After a month or so it will be discovered with a
+cry of astonishment that no record has been kept of the number of
+candidates who are being trained in jam or jelly (combined) but not in
+marmalade, in jelly and marmalade (combined) but not in jam, and in
+jam and marmalade (combined) but not in jelly. And so a new and a
+greater schedule will have to be compiled. But even after that for
+a long time no one will notice that nothing has been said about the
+number of candidates who are being trained in jam and jelly and
+marmalade all combined and mashed up together, as they are at a picnic
+on the sands.
+
+Of the many debatable issues raised by this new Government project, in
+so far as it affects the spheres of jelly and jam, I do not propose to
+speak now; I prefer to confine my attention for the moment to the fruit
+product which touches most nearly the home breakfast-table--namely,
+marmalade.
+
+There are three schools of thought in marmalade. There are those who
+like the dark and very runny kind with large segments or wedges of
+peel. There are those who prefer a clear and jellified substance with
+tiny fragments of peel enshrined in it as the fly is enshrined in
+amber. And there are some, I suppose, who favour a kind of glutinous
+yellow composition, neither reactionary nor progressive, but something
+betwixt and between. There can be very little doubt which kind of
+marmalade the State Marmalade School will produce.
+
+And then, mark you, one fine day the President of the Board of
+Agriculture will turn round and issue a _communique_ to the Press like
+this:--
+
+"Preferential treatment in the supply of sugar for the purpose of
+conducting the processes of manufacture of fruit products will
+henceforward be given to those who possess the Campden diploma for
+proficiency in the conduct of the above-named processes."
+
+And where is your freedom then? Cooks and housewives will be condemned
+either to make State marmalade or to make no marmalade at all.
+Personally I am inclined to think that the President of the Board of
+Agriculture will go further than this. I think that encouragement will
+be given to those who take the State Marmalade course to follow it up
+with a subsidiary or finishing course of wasp treatment.
+
+And in wasp treatment also there are three schools. There is what is
+called the CHURCHILL school, which hits out right and left with an
+infuriated spoon. Then there is the MONTAGU school, which takes no
+provocative action, but sits still and says, "They won't sting you if
+you don't irritate them;" it says this especially when they are flying
+round somebody else's head. And lastly there is the Medium school,
+which, choosing the moment when the wasp is busily engaged, presses it
+down gently and firmly into the marmalade, so that the last spoonfuls
+of the dish are not so much a fruit product as a kind of entomological
+preserve. The last way, I think, will be the State way of dealing with
+wasps, and a reward will probably be offered for the stings of all
+wasps embalmed on Coalition lines.
+
+The electorate has stuck to the Government through the Peace Treaty,
+through Mesopotamia, through Ireland and through coal. Can it stick to
+them, is what I ask, through marmalade?
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+_MENS CONSCIA MALI._
+
+  The lightning flashed and flickered, roared the thunder,
+    Down came the rain, and in the usual way
+  Pavilionward we sped to sit and wonder
+          Was this the end of play.
+
+  In scattered groups my comrades talked together,
+    Their disappointment faded bit by bit,
+  So soothing can it be to tell the weather
+          Just what you think of it.
+
+  But I--I sat aloof as one distressed by
+    A painful tendency to droop and wilt;
+  Though none suspected it, I was oppressed by
+          A conscience charged with guilt.
+
+  I watched the pitch become a sodden pulp, a
+    Morass, a sponge, a lake, a running stream,
+  What time a sad repentant _Mea culpa_
+          Was all my musing's theme.
+
+  Mine was the cricket sin too hard to pardon
+    In one whose age should carry greater sense;
+  On Friday night I'd watered all the garden,
+          Thus tempting Providence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Mr. ---- asserted that the Russian people would be permitted
+'untrammelled to pork out their own salvation.'"--_Canadian Paper._
+And why not the Irish people too?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN WHO WOULD GET TO THE SEASIDE.
+TRAINS FULL.
+CHARABANKS FULL.
+AEROPLANES FULL.
+THE LAST RESOURCE.
+SEA, SAND AND HOTELS FULL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE COUNTER-IRRITANT
+
+Most men have a hobby. Timbrell-Timson's is to bear on his narrow
+shoulders the burden of Middle Europe. He calls it Mittel-Europa.
+Lately he has been sharing his burden with me.
+
+"You know," he said, frowning--he always frowns, because of the
+burden--"I am rather uneasy about the Czecho-Slovaks."
+
+"I'm not too comfortable about them myself," I said truthfully.
+
+"There seems to be a certain lack of stability about their new
+constitution," said T.-T., "a--a--a--what shall I say?"
+
+"A--er--um--a," I put in.
+
+"Exactly; just so," said T.-T. He then got into his stride and gave me
+twenty minutes' Czecho-Slovakism when I was dying to discover whether
+HOBBS had scored his two-millionth run.
+
+As T.-T. talked my mind wandered away into regions of its own--Aunt
+Jane's rheumatic gout, my broken niblick, the necessity for getting
+my hair cut. But sub-consciously I reserved a courteous minimum of
+attention for T.-T., and said, "H'm" and "Ha" with decent frequency.
+He went on and on, shedding several ounces of the burden. I decided
+that Aunt Jane ought to have a shot at Christian Science.
+
+"... very much the same plight as the Poles," said T.-T., emerging from
+a cloud of Czecho-Slovakism and pausing to clear his meagre throat.
+
+I felt it was up to me. "Of course," I said, "the Poles don't strike
+one as being--er--very--that is--"
+
+"Precisely. They are not," said T.-T., as I knew he would. "But I am
+very relieved to see that M. Grabski...."
+
+This was something new and sounded amusing. "Grabski?" I said. "What's
+happened to dear old--I mean, I thought M. Paderewski was--"
+
+"I am referring to the recent Spa Conference," said T.-T. severely.
+
+"Of course, how silly of me," I murmured.
+
+T.-T. gave me another twenty minutes of Poland. Then he released me,
+with a final word of warning against putting too much faith in M.
+Daschovitch. I promised I wouldn't.
+
+T.-T. shook me cordially by the hand and said, "It has been a pleasure
+to talk to such a sympathetic listener."
+
+What led me to revolt was T.-T.'s hat-trick. Three evenings in
+succession he unloaded on me chunks of the burden. Probably he thought
+the third time made it my own property.
+
+I asked advice from Brown, a man of commonsense.
+
+"During the Great War," said Brown, "I went down with pneumonia. They
+painted my chest yellow, and, when I asked the Sister why, she said it
+was a counter-irritant. That's what you want to use now, my lad. Stand
+up to your little friend and beat him at his own game."
+
+"But how?" I said. "I can't. What he doesn't know about the gentle
+Czech isn't worth a cussovitch."
+
+"Cultivate a counter-burden," said Brown, "and make him eat it as he
+has made you eat his."
+
+When I left Brown it was decided that I was henceforth to be an
+authority on Mittel-Afrika. The next evening I was purposely
+unoccupied in a corner of the smoking-room when T.-T. came in,
+frowning and bowed down by his burden, to which apparently I had
+brought no relief.
+
+"Well, to-day's news from Mittel-Europa is hardly--" he began.
+
+"Scarcely glanced at it," I said. "I was so busy with the news from
+Mittel-Afrika--Abyssinia, in fact."
+
+T.-T. looked surprised, partly, no doubt, because he knew as well as
+I did that Abyssinia is nowhere near the middle of Africa. Then he
+gained balance and reopened with the remark that "The ineradicable
+weakness of the Czecho-Slovak is--"
+
+"Just what I feel about the Ethiopians," I said.
+
+"Of course there is in the Czecho a fundamental--" began T.-T. once
+more.
+
+"Not half so fundamental as in the Abyssinians," I said promptly.
+
+T.-T. was puzzled but obstinate. The burden, I think, was rather bad
+that evening. He tried me with Grabski and got as far as saying that
+he had little respect for that gentleman's antecedents.
+
+I broke in by comparing Grabski's antecedents with the antecedents of
+B'lumbu, the Abyssinian Deputy Under-secretary of the Admiralty, much
+to the detriment of the latter. Then I launched out into a long and
+startling _expose_ of what I called the Swarthy Peril. I told T.-T.
+that the Ethiopians ate their young, and warned him that, unless he
+was careful, they would soon be over here devouring his own spectacled
+progeny. I told him about the Ethiopic secret plans for the invasion
+of Mexico as a stepping-stone to the subjugation of Mittel-Amerika.
+I hinted that Abyssinian spies were everywhere--that even one of the
+club waiters was not above suspicion.
+
+For thirty-five minutes I held T.-T. in his chair (may the Abyssinian
+gods forgive me!). After the first three minutes he forgot his burden
+and never a word spake he.
+
+Then I released him with a final warning against putting any faith at
+all in Gran'slam, the Abyssinian Assistant Foreign Secretary, and as
+we parted I said gratefully, "It has been a pleasure to talk to such a
+sympathetic listener."
+
+I don't think T.-T. really believes even now in the Swarthy Peril, but
+the counter-irritant has done its work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GARDEN OF ALLAH.
+
+[The Metropolitan Water Board announces an advance in the Water Rate.]
+
+  I cannot fill the bounteous cup
+    Munificently as of yore
+  Because the water's going up
+    (It didn't at Lodore);
+  No longer now can I regale
+  The canine stranger with a pail
+    Drawn from my cistern's store.
+
+  Let Samuel the sunflower die,
+    Let Gerald the geranium fade,
+  And all the other plants that I
+    Have hitherto displayed;
+  The virgin grass within my plot
+  May call for water--I will not
+    Preserve a single blade.
+
+  Henceforth let Claude the cactus dress
+    My garden beds, who bravely grows
+  Without a frequent S.O.S.
+    To water-can and hose.
+  I've cast these weapons to the void
+  And permanently unemployed
+    Is Hildebrand the hose.
+
+  Within the house by words and deeds
+    I've run an Anti-Waste Campaign;
+  On every tap the legend reads:
+    "Teetotalers, abstain!"
+  While on each bath and tub of mine
+  I've drawn freehand a PLIMSOLL line,
+    Impressionist but plain.
+
+  When upward mount my chops and cheese
+    I fain must bend beneath the blow;
+  I have to pay the price for these
+    Whether I will or no.
+  But here at least, by dint of thought,
+  I feel that I can bring to naught
+    The rise in H_2O.
+
+  You'll find that I shall keep in check
+    The gross expense of water when
+  Domestic _nettoyage a sec_
+    Rules my ancestral den.
+  I, unlike Nature, don't abhor
+  A "vacuum"--to clean the floor:
+    In fact I've ordered ten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Bremen ... the crowd seized the stalls in the market, and sold
+    the goods at prices between 100 and 200 per cent. lower than the
+    prices demanded."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The correspondent who sends us the above cutting demands similar
+reductions in English markets in order that he may live within his
+income of _minus_ two pounds a week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: =INCORRIGIBLES.=
+
+"EXCUSE ME, SIR--I'M DOWN HERE FOR A REST CURE, AND NOT ALLOWED TO
+LOOK AT A NEWSPAPER. PERHAPS YOU WOULDN'T MIND TELLING ME WHAT KAFFIRS
+STOOD AT YESTERDAY?"
+
+"SORRY I CAN'T OBLIGE YOU. I'VE SWORN OFF NEWSPAPERS MYSELF. THIS IS
+_THE SHRIMPTON COURIER_ FOR FEBRUARY 12 THAT MY LANDLADY WRAPPED MY
+SANDWICHES IN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEGINNER.
+
+Six months ago Maurice Gillstone's flat was the home of unrest.
+Maurice was one of those authors who tire of their creations before
+completion. He would get an idea, begin to write and then turn to some
+other theme.
+
+It made the domestic atmosphere difficult. You would go to call on the
+Gillstones and find them plunged in despair. Maurice would gaze at you
+with a wild unseeing eye, pass his hand through his dishevelled hair,
+mutter "The inspiration has left me," and fling himself into a chair
+and groan. Mrs. Maurice would burst into tears.
+
+The flat was strewn with fragments of manuscripts. Plays, novels,
+poems (none finished) littered the rooms in profusion; a brilliant
+but isolated Scene I., stray opening chapters of novels, detached
+prologues of mighty epics.
+
+"His beginnings are wonderful," Mrs. Maurice would wail between her
+sobs; "keen critics and men of the most delicate literary taste rave
+over them; but if he can't finish them, what's the use?"
+
+It was very sad.
+
+Then John Edmund Drall, the inventor of the non-alcoholic beverage
+which is now a household word and an old friend of the Gillstones,
+came along and tried to cure Maurice of his literary defect by the
+sort of ruse one would employ on a jibbing horse. He sent Maurice a
+bottle of his Lemonbeer and asked him to write an appreciation of that
+noxious fluid.
+
+"I have asked Maurice," Drall confided to me, "to scribble a
+testimonial to Lemonbeer. It will kind of break the spell, and it
+wouldn't be Maurice if he didn't turn out a perfect gem of literary
+composition. I know my Lemonbeer is really good and I know that
+Maurice is extremely appreciative. Maurice is under a spell. It must
+be broken. If he can write a complete testimonial he will easily
+finish all those beginnings of his." The idea seemed sound.
+
+Well, Maurice drank the Lemonbeer and, in spite of an increasing
+tendency to swoon, did begin to write a gem of a testimonial. He had,
+however, written but the first four words of it when he fainted. These
+words were "Lemonbeer is the best...."
+
+Maurice would do anything for a friend, and, as I say, had actually
+written "Lemonbeer is the best ..." after drinking a whole bottle of
+it.
+
+It was Drall's advertisement manager who said that in point of selling
+power this testimonial was unsurpassed. "The finished completeness of
+the composition," he said, "shows sheer genius. Just four words. A
+word added or subtracted would ruin it."
+
+When Maurice came to and learnt how brilliant he had been he simply
+put on his hat and walked round to a Film Agency to say that he was
+prepared to write--and complete--any number of masterpieces. Since
+that day he has never looked back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Commercial Candour.=
+
+    "ANTIQUE SILVER.
+
+    Mr. ---- invites all interested to inspect his fine stock which he
+    can offer just new at exceptionally low prices."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Peggy._ "PLEASE, MISS JUDKIN, MUMMY SAYS WILL YOU
+KINDLY LET HER HAVE A LITTLE BRANDY FOR OUR GOAT? IT'S VERY ILL AND
+MUMMY IS AFRAID IT'S DYING."
+
+_Miss Judkin._ "TELL YOUR MOTHER I'M VERY SORRY, BUT THE ONLY BRANDY
+I'VE GOT IS VERY OLD."
+
+_Peggy._ "OH, THAT WILL DO SPLENDIDLY. IT'S A VERY OLD GOAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAIR.
+
+  Look up, my child, the sirens whoop
+    Shrill invitations to the Fair,
+  The yellow swing-boats soar and swoop,
+    The Gavioli organs blare;
+  Bull-throated show-men, bracken-brown,
+  Compete to shout each other down.
+
+  Behold the booths of gingerbread,
+    Of nougat and of peppermints,
+  The stall of toys where overhead
+    Balloons of gay translucent tints
+  Float on the breeze and drift and sway;
+  Fruit of a fairy vine are they.
+
+  Within this green fantastic grot
+    Bright-coloured balls are danced and spun
+  On jets ("'Ere, lovey, 'ave a shot");
+    A gipsy lady tends a gun,
+  A very rose of gipsy girls,
+  With earrings glinting in her curls.
+
+  Will marvels cease? This humble booth
+    Enshrines a dame of royal birth,
+  Princess Badrubidure, forsooth,
+    The fattest princess on the earth;
+  Come, we will stand where kings have stood,
+  And you shall pinch her if you're good.
+
+  The brasses gleam, the mirrors flash,
+    How splendid is the Round-About!
+  The organ brays, the cymbals clash,
+    The spotted horses bound about
+  Their whirling platform, full of beans,
+  And country girls ride by like queens.
+
+  Professor Battling Bendigo
+    (Ex ten-stone champion of the West)
+  Parades the stage before his show
+    And swells his biceps and his chest;
+  "Is England's manhood dead and gone?"
+  He asks; "Won't no one take me on?"
+
+  A big drum booms, revolvers crack;
+    Who is this hero that appears,
+  A velvet tunic on his back,
+    His whiskers curling round his ears?
+  'Tis he who drew the jungle's sting,
+  Diabolo, the Lion King.
+
+  Within are birds beyond belief
+    And creatures colourful and quaint:
+  Lean dingoes weighed with secret grief
+    And monkey humourists who ain't;
+  Bears, camels, pards--Look up, my dear,
+  The wonders of the world are here!
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CELLS BELOW ZERO FOR T.B. PATIENTS.
+
+Ink in Nurses' Pens Froze when Taking Men's Temperature."--_Canadian
+Paper._
+
+Personally, we prefer having ours taken with a thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OFFENCES UNDER THE LIGHTING ORDERS.
+
+--At Thursday's petty session Emile ---- was paid L1 for having no
+near side light on his motor car."--_Local Paper._
+
+But ought foreign offenders to be favoured in this way?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Richmond camp is a scene of bustling activity from sunrise to
+reveille, or 'Taps' as the Americans term it."--_Evening Paper._
+
+And after that the boy scouts would appear to have had a nice long day
+to themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION--
+
+PREMIER (_entering Cabinet Council Room_). "WHAT--NOBODY HERE?"
+
+BUTLER. "YOU FORGET, SIR. THIS IS PRESS DAY. THE GENTLEMEN ARE ALL
+FINISHING THEIR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LONG PARTNERSHIP.
+
+_Capt. Wedgwood Benn_ (_to Mr. Asquith_). "ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
+TOOK THE GLOVES OFF AND HAD A GO AT 'EM YOURSELF?" _Top Row_ (_reading
+from left to right_).--Mr. G. R. THORNE, Mr. DEVLIN, Sir DONALD
+MACLEAN, Mr. CLYNES, Gen. SEELY, Col. WEDGWOOD. _Middle Row._--The
+SPEAKER, Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+Mr. ASQUITH, Capt. WEDGWOOD BENN. _Bottom Row._--Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT,
+Mr. WHITLEY (_Chairman of Committees_).]
+
+
+=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
+
+_Monday, August 2nd._--The rain that drenched the Bank-holiday-makers
+had its counterpart inside the House of Commons in the shower of
+Questions arising out of Mr. CHURCHILL'S article on the Polish crisis
+in an evening newspaper. Members of various parties sought to know
+whether, when the WAR SECRETARY said that peace with Soviet Russia was
+only another form of war and apparently invited the co-operation of
+the German militarists to fight the Bolshevists, he was expressing the
+views of the Government; and if not, what had become of the doctrine
+of collective responsibility?
+
+The PRIME MINISTER manfully tried to shield his colleague from the
+storm, but the effort took all his strength and ingenuity, and more
+than once it seemed as if an unusually violent blast would blow his
+umbrella inside out. His principal points were that the article did
+not mean what it appeared to say; that if it did it was not so much
+an expression of policy as of a "hankering"--("HANKERING. An uneasy
+craving to possess or enjoy something"--_Dictionary_); that he could
+not control his colleagues' desires or their expression, even in a
+newspaper hostile to the Government, so long as they were consistent
+with the policy of the Government; and that he was not aware of
+anything in this particular article that "cut across any declaration
+of policy by His Majesty's Government."
+
+This does not sound very convincing perhaps, but it was sufficient to
+satisfy Members, whose chief anxiety is to get off as soon as possible
+to the country, and who voted down by 134 to 32 an attempt to move the
+adjournment.
+
+The CHIEF SECRETARY formally introduced a Bill "to make provision for
+the restoration and maintenance of order in Ireland." Earlier in the
+sitting the PRIME MINISTER had declined Mr. DE VALERA'S alleged offer
+to accept a republic on the Cuban pattern, and had reiterated his
+intention to pass the Home Rule Bill after the Recess.
+
+Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR is a declared opponent of both these measures, but
+that did not prevent him from contrasting the lightning speed of the
+House when passing coercion for Ireland with its snail-like pace when
+approaching conciliation. In fifty years it had not given justice to
+Ireland; it was to be asked to give injustice to Ireland in fewer
+hours.
+
+_Tuesday, August 3rd._--That genial optimist Lord PEEL commended the
+Ministry of Mines Bill as being calculated to restore harmony and
+goodwill among masters and men. According to Lord GAINFORD the best
+way to secure this result is to hand back the control of the mines
+to their owners, between whom and the employes, he declared, cordial
+relations had existed in the past. Still, the owners would work the
+Bill for what it was worth, and hoped the miners would do the same.
+Lord HALDANE said that was just what the miners had announced their
+intention of not doing unless they were given a great deal more power
+than the Bill proposed. But this lack of enthusiasm in no way damped
+Lord PEEL'S ardour. Indeed he observed that he had "never introduced a
+Bill that was received with any sort of enthusiasm." Mollified by this
+engaging candour the Peers gave the Bill a Second Reading.
+
+I am glad to record another example of Government economy. To Mr.
+GILBERT, who desired that more sandpits should be provided in the
+London parks for the delectation of town-tied children, Sir ALFRED
+MOND reluctantly but sternly replied that "in view of the considerable
+expenditure involved" he did not feel justified in adding to the
+existing number of three.
+
+Dumps suggest dolefulness, but the debate on the action of the
+Disposals Board in disposing of the accumulations at Slough, St. Omer
+and elsewhere was decidedly lively. Mr. HOPE led off by attacking the
+recent report of the Committee on National Expenditure, and declared
+that its Chairman, though a paragon of truth, was not necessarily a
+mirror of accuracy. The Chairman himself (Sir F. BANBURY), seated for
+the nonce upon the Opposition Bench, replied with appropriate vigour
+in a speech which caused Sir GORDON HEWART to remark that the passion
+for censoriousness was not a real virtue, but which greatly pleased
+the Labour Party, in acknowledging whose compliments Sir FREDERICK
+severely strained the brim of his tall hat.
+
+After these star-turns the "walking gentlemen" had their chance.
+Sixteen times were they called upon to parade the Division Lobbies
+by an Opposition which on one occasion registered no fewer than
+fifty-three votes.
+
+_Wednesday, August 4th._--One of the few Irish institutions which all
+Irishmen unite in praising is the mail service between Kingstown and
+Holyhead. Even the Sinn Feiners would think twice before cutting this
+link between England and Ireland. Yet, according to Lord ORANMORE AND
+BROWNE, the British Post Office has actually given notice to terminate
+the contract. He was assured, however, by Lord CRAWFORD that tenders
+for a new contract would shortly be invited and that, whoever secured
+it, the efficiency of the service would be maintained.
+
+It was nearly eight o'clock before the Ministry of Mines came on. Lord
+SALISBURY thought it would be improper to consider so important a
+measure after dinner; Lord CRAWFORD thought it would be still more
+improper to suggest that the Peers would not be in a condition to
+transact business after that meal. He carried his point, but at the
+expense of the Bill, for Lord SALISBURY, returning like a giant
+refreshed, induced their Lordships to transform the Minister of Mines
+into a mere Under-Secretary of the Board of Trade, thus defeating,
+according to Lord PEEL, the principal purpose of the measure.
+
+It was another day of rather small beer in the Commons. There were,
+however, one or two _dicta_ of note. Thus Sir BERTRAM FALK, who
+was concerned because Naval officers received no special marriage
+allowance, was specifically assured by Sir JAMES CRAIG that the
+Admiralty will not prevent men from marrying. I understood, however,
+that it will not recognise a wife in every port.
+
+_Thursday, August 5th._--With lofty disregard of a hundred-and-twenty
+years of history the Duke of NORTHUMBERLAND informed the Peers that
+the present state of Ireland was due to Bolshevism. Having diagnosed
+the disease so clearly he ought to have been ready with a remedy, but
+could suggest nothing more practical than the holding of mass meetings
+to organise British public opinion.
+
+Meanwhile the Commons were engaged in rushing through with the aid
+of the "guillotine" a Bill for the restoration of order in the
+distressful country. Mr. BONAR LAW, usually so accurate, fell into an
+ancient trap, and declared that the Sinn Fein leaders had "raised a
+_Frankenstein_ that they cannot control."
+
+Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD made as good a defence of the Bill as was possible
+in the circumstances. But neither he nor anybody else could say how
+courts-martial, which are "to act on the ordinary rules of evidence,"
+will be successful in bringing criminals to justice if witnesses
+refuse to come forward.
+
+Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR re-delivered the anti-coercion speech which he has
+been making off and on for the last forty years. Mr. DEVLIN was a
+little more up-to-date, for he introduced a reference to the Belfast
+riots and drew from the CHIEF SECRETARY an assurance that the Bill
+would be as applicable to Ulster as to the rest of Ireland.
+
+Mr. ASQUITH denounced the Bill with unusual animation, and was sure
+that it would do more harm than good. Cromwellian treatment needed
+a CROMWELL, but he did not see one on the Treasury Bench. "CROMWELL
+yourself!" retorted the PRIME MINISTER. The only unofficial supporter
+of the Bill, and even he "no great admirer," was Lord HUGH CECIL; but
+nevertheless the Second Reading was carried by 289 to 71.
+
+The House afterwards gave a Second Reading to the Census (Ireland)
+Bill, on the principle, as Captain ELLIOTT caustically observed, that
+if you can't do anything with the people of Ireland you might at least
+find out how many of them there are.
+
+_Friday, August 6th._--The remaining stages of the Coercion Bill were
+passed under the "guillotine." Mr. DEVLIN declared that this was not
+"cricket," and refused to play any longer; but it is only fair to say
+that he had not then seen our artist's picture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AN' WHEN I TOLD 'IM IN THE ORFICE THAT ME MONEY WASN'T
+RIGHT, HE SAYS, ''ERE 'S A READY RECKONER--WORK IT OUT YERSELF;' AN'
+BELIEVE ME OR BELIEVE ME NOT, BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE BLESSED BOOK I
+FOUND IT WAS LAST YEAR'S."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At this stage the Chairman withdrew complaining of a head-ache
+    without nominating a successor, darkness set in and there were no
+    lights. Along with the Chairman some forty people also left in a
+    body. What happened afterwards is not clear."
+
+    _Indian Paper._
+
+We don't wonder the reporter was baffled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH.--_Re_ the authorship of SHAKSPEARE'S plays, may I
+quote from _Twelfth Night_, Act I., Scene V.? Thank you.
+
+
+  "'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
+  Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on."
+
+
+This is unquestionably bacon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_in a gallant attempt to cover his
+opponent's eloquence_) _sings._ "WE PLOUGH THE FIELDS AND SCATTER--"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=ROAD CONDITIONS FOR CHARABANCS.=
+
+The following road information is compiled from reports received by
+the Charabanc Defence Association:--
+
+The Lushborough road is good and free from obstruction as far as
+Great Boundingley, but from Chatback to Wrothley the conditions are
+unfavourable. The bridge one mile south of the former place has been
+occupied by a strong force of unfriendly natives, and several cases of
+tarring have been reported. There is, however, an alternative route
+_via_ Boozeley, but great caution is advised in passing through
+Wrothley, passengers being recommended to provide themselves with a
+good supply of loose metal before entering the village, where most of
+the houses are protected with iron shutters. Helmets should not
+be removed before reaching Cadbridge, where there is no danger of
+retaliation.
+
+Bottles may be discharged freely all along the Muckley road as far
+as Ruddiham, but caution is needed at Bashfield Corner, from which
+a small band of snipers has not yet been dislodged, though their
+ammunition is running short. Passengers should be prepared to use all
+the resources of their vocabulary at Bargingham, where the inhabitants
+enjoy a well-deserved repute for their command of picturesque
+invective. It would be humiliating to the whole charabanc
+confraternity if they were to yield their pre-eminence in this branch
+of education to a small rural community.
+
+Thanks to the vigilance of the well-armed patrols of the Charabanc
+Defence Association the main roads in East Anglia are almost clear
+of the enemy. Caution must still be observed in passing through
+Garningham at night. One of the hardiest "charabankers" was recently
+prostrated in that village by a well-aimed epithet from the oldest
+inhabitant. A writer in a Norwich paper recently described the
+area within ten miles of Whelksham as "a paradise for baboon-faced
+Yahooligans." But these futile ebullitions of malice are powerless to
+check the triumphal progress of the charabanc in the Eastern Counties.
+
+But no route at present offers more favourable or exhilarating
+opportunities to the high-minded excursionist than the main Gath road
+from Scrapston to Kinlarry. Excellent sport is afforded just outside
+Stillminster, where Sir John Goodfellow's greenhouses are within easy
+bottle-throw of the road and furnish a splendid target. On the
+whole, however, it is thought advisable to abstain from saluting
+the neighbouring hospital for shell-shock patients with a salvo of
+megaphones, local opinion being adverse to such manifestations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.=
+
+  The Ealing trains run frequently,
+    The Ealing trains run fast;
+  I stand at Gloucester Road and see
+    A many hurtling past;
+  They go to Acton, Turnham Green,
+  And stations I have never seen,
+  Simply because my lot has been
+    In other places cast.
+
+  The folk on Ealing trains who ride
+    They, pitying, bestow
+  On me a look instinct with pride;
+    But I would have them know
+  That, while on Wimbledonian plains
+  My humble domicile remains,
+  I HAVE NO USE FOR EALING TRAINS,
+    Though still they come and go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Conversation of the moment in a City restaurant:--
+
+REGULAR CUSTOMER (_looking down menu_). "Waiter, why is cottage pie
+never on now?"
+
+WAITER. "Well, Sir, since this 'ere shortage of 'ouses we ain't
+allowed to make 'em any more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE REVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
+
+(_Written after reading Mr. Francis W. GALPIN'S "Old English
+Instruments of Music_.")
+
+  I am no skilful vocalist;
+    I can't control my _mezza gola_;
+  I have but an indifferent fist
+    (Or foot) upon the Pianola.
+
+  But there are instruments, I own,
+    That fire me with a fond ambition
+  To master for their names alone
+    Apart from their august tradition.
+
+  They are the Fipple-Flute, a word
+    Suggestive of seraphic screeches;
+  The Poliphant comes next, and third
+    The Humstrum--aren't they perfect peaches?
+
+  About their tone I cannot say
+    Much that would carry clear conviction,
+  For, till I read of them to-day,
+    I knew them not in fact or fiction.
+
+  As yet I am, alas! without
+    Instruction in the art of fippling,
+  Though something may be found about
+    It in the works of LEAR or KIPLING.
+
+  And possibly I may unearth
+    In LECKY or in LAURENCE OLIPHANT
+  Some facts to remedy my dearth
+    Of knowledge bearing on the Poliphant.
+
+  But, now their pictures I have seen
+    In GALPIN'S learned dissertation,
+  So far as in me lies I mean
+    To bring about their restoration.
+
+  Yet since I cannot learn all three
+    And time is ever onward humming,
+  My few remaining years shall be
+    Devoted wholly to humstrumming.
+
+  That, when my bones to rest are laid,
+    Upon my tomb it may be written:
+  "He was the very last who played
+    Upon the Humstrum in Great Britain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SPIDER.
+
+Lately we had occasion to consider the place of the grasshopper in
+modern politics. Now let us consider the place of the spider in our
+social life.
+
+It seems to me that the spider is the most accomplished and in some
+ways the most sensible insect we have in these parts. In my opinion a
+great deal too much fuss has been made about the bee. She is a knowing
+little thing, but the spider is her superior in many ways. Yet no one
+seems to write books or educational rhymes about the spider. It is
+really a striking example of the well-known hypocrisy and materialism
+of the British race. The bee is held up to the young as a model of
+industry and domestic virtue--and why? Simply because she manufactures
+food which we happen to like. The spider is held up to the young as
+the type of rapacity, malice and cruelty, on the sole ground that he
+catches flies, though we do not pretend that we are fond of flies, and
+conveniently ignore the fact that, if the spider did not swat that
+fly, we should probably swat it ourselves.
+
+The real charge against the spider is that he doesn't make any food
+for us. As for the virtue and nobility of the bee, I don't see it. The
+only way in which she is able to accumulate all that honey at all is
+by massacring the unfortunate males by the thousand as soon as she
+conveniently can, a piece of Prussianism which may be justified on
+purely material grounds, but is scarcely consistent with her high
+reputation for morality and lovingkindness. If it could be shown that
+the bee consciously collected all that honey with the idea that we
+should annex it there might be something to be said for her on moral
+grounds; but nobody pretends that. Now look at the spider. We are told
+that as a commercial product spider-silk has been found to be equal if
+not superior to the best silk spun by the Lepidopterous larvae, with
+whom, of course, you are familiar. "But the cannibalistic propensities
+of spiders, making it impossible to keep more than one in a single
+receptacle ... have hitherto prevented the silk being used ... for
+textile fabrics." So that it comes to this: if spiders are useless
+because they eat each other, the bees do much the same thing (only
+wholesale), but it makes them commercially useful. The bee therefore
+we place upon a pinnacle of respectability, but the spider we despise.
+Faugh! the hypocrisy of it makes me sick. My children will be taught
+to venerate the spider and despise the bee.
+
+For, putting aside the question of moral values, look what the spider
+can do. What is there in the clammy, not to say messy, honey-comb to
+be compared with the delicate fabric of the spider's web? Indeed,
+should we ever have given a single thought to the honey-comb if it had
+had no honey in it? Do we become lyrical about the wasp's comb? We do
+not. It is a case where greed and materialism have warped our artistic
+perceptions. The spider can lower itself from the drawing-room ceiling
+to the floor by a silken thread produced out of itself. Still more
+marvellous, he can climb up the same thread to the ceiling when he
+is bored, winding up the thread inside him as he goes, and so making
+pursuit impossible. What can the bee do to equal that? And how is it
+done? We don't even know. _The Encyclopaedia Britannica_ doesn't know;
+or if it does it doesn't let on. But the whole tedious routine of the
+bee's domestic pottering day is an open book to us. Ask yourself,
+which would you rather do, be able to collect honey and put it in a
+suitable receptacle, or be able to let yourself down from the top
+floor to the basement by a silken rope produced out of your tummy, and
+then climb up it again when you want to go upstairs, just winding up
+the rope inside you? I think you will agree that the spider has it. It
+is hard enough, goodness knows, to wind up an ordinary ball of string
+so that it will go into the string-box properly. What one would do if
+one had to put it in one's bread-box I can't think. When my children
+grow up, instead of learning
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee ..."
+
+they will learn--
+
+  How doth the jolly little spider
+  Wind up such miles of silk inside her,
+  When it is clear that spiders' tummies
+  Are not so big as mine or Mummy's?
+  The explanation seems to be,
+  They do not eat so much as me.
+
+That will point the moral of moderation in eating, you see. There will
+be a lot more verses, I expect; I can see _cram_ and _diaphragm_ and
+possibly _jam_ coming very soon. But we must get on.
+
+The spider is like the bee in this respect, that the male seems to
+have a most rotten time. For one thing he is nearly always about
+two sizes smaller than the female. Owing to that and to what _The
+Encyclopaedia Britannica_ humorously describes as "the greater
+voracity" of the female (there is a lot of quiet fun in _The
+Encyclopaedia Britannica_), he is a very brave spider who makes a
+proposal of marriage. "He makes his advances to his mate at the risk
+of his life and is not infrequently killed and eaten by her before or
+after" they are engaged ("before or after" is good). "Fully aware of
+the danger he pays his addresses with extreme caution, frequently
+waiting for hours in her vicinity before venturing to come to close
+quarters. Males of the _Argyopidae_ hang on the outskirts of the webs
+of the females and signal their presence to her by jerking the radial
+threads in a peculiar manner." This is, of course, the origin of the
+quaint modern custom by which the young man rings the bell before
+attempting to enter the web of his beloved in Grosvenor Square.
+Contemporary novelists have even placed on record cases in which the
+male has "waited for hours in her vicinity before venturing to come
+to close quarters;" but too much attention must not be paid to these
+imaginative accounts. If I have said enough to secure that in future a
+little more kindliness and respect will be shown to the spider in the
+nurseries of this great Empire, and a little less of it wasted on the
+bee, I have not misspent my time.
+
+But I shall not be content. Can we not go further? Can we not get a
+little more of the simplicity of spider life into this hectic world of
+ours? In these latitudes the spider lives only for a single season.
+"The young emerge from the cocoon in the early spring, grow through
+the summer and reach maturity in the early autumn. _The sexes then
+pair and perish_ soon after the female has constructed her cocoon."
+How delicious! No winter; no bother about coal; no worry about the
+children's education; just one glorious summer of sport, one wild
+summer of fly-catching and midge-eating, a romantic, not to say
+dangerous wooing, a quiet wedding in the autumn, dump the family in
+some nice unfurnished cocoon--and perish. Is there nothing to be said
+for that? How different from the miserable bee, which just goes on and
+on, worrying about posterity, working and working, fussing about....
+
+Yet all our lives are modelled on the bee's.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Meere._ "YOU'LL REALLY HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL,
+DEAR, HOW YOU SPEAK TO THE COOK OR SHE'LL BE LEAVING US."
+
+_Mrs. M._ "PERHAPS I WAS RATHER SEVERE."
+
+_Mr. M._ "SEVERE! WHY, ANYONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO
+ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOWN-OUR-COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Why should not some of the other people, who also enjoy life, have
+their movements recorded too? Like this:--
+
+During Mr. William Sikes' visit to the Devonshire moors Mrs. Sikes
+will remain in town.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. and Mrs. James Harris have arrived in London from Southend.
+
+       * * *
+
+Miss Levi, Miss Hirsch and Master Isaacson are among the guests at
+Victoria Park, where some highly successful children's parties have
+been given.
+
+       * * *
+
+Epping is much in favour just now, and a large number of (public)
+house-parties have been arranged. Among those entertaining this week
+are Mr. Henry Higgins, Mr. Robert Atkins and Mr. John Smith.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. Henry Hawkins, Mrs. Hawkins, Mr. Henry Hawkins, junior, and Miss
+Hawkins left town on August 2nd for Hampstead Heath, for a day's
+riding and shooting. A large bag of nuts was obtained. Mr. Hawkins has
+not yet returned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "LITTLE PROGRESS MADE.
+  KING  STILL  DEFIANT."
+  _Daily Paper._
+
+  Oh, dear! Another complication!
+  Who is the monarch? Which the nation?
+  We breathe again. The Leicester pro.
+  Kept up his end four hours or so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    "Another of the big round landlords of London is selling his
+    estate.
+
+    Sir Joseph Doughty Tichborne is selling his Doughty Estate of 14
+    acres."--_Evening Paper._
+
+It recalls the famous case. "The Claimant" would certainly have made
+"a big round landlord."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Here then is a new development of serious local journalism. Just
+    an unpretentious but exceedingly well-printed village sheet,
+    breathing local atmosphere, emitting nothing that can possibly
+    interest the natives."
+
+_Local Paper._
+
+But we seem to have seen journals like this before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Dutch bulb-grower's catalogue:--
+
+    "Nothing but Inferior quality being sent out from my Nurseries. My
+    terms are Cash with order only."
+
+In matters of commerce this Dutchman appears to be maintaining his
+country's reputation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE ANNIVERSARY.=
+
+It began as quite an ordinary day. I read my paper at breakfast and
+Kathleen poured out the coffee. She wore that little frown between her
+eyebrows that means that she is thinking out the menu for lunch and
+dinner and hoping that Nurse hasn't burnt Baby's porridge again. This
+is married life.
+
+Then I started in a hurry for the office, hurling a "Good-bye, dear"
+through the open window as I passed. The 9.15 leaves little time for
+affection. That too is married life.
+
+It was the sweetbriar hedge that made me decide to miss the 9.15. It
+clutched hold of me suddenly and told me that the sky was very blue
+and the woods very green, and that the office was an absurd thing on
+such a day.
+
+I went slowly back home round the outside of the garden wall. Someone
+was singing in the garden. I stopped and whistled a tune. A face
+appeared over the wall--rather an attractive face.
+
+"Hello!" it said; "someone I knew a long time ago used to whistle that
+tune outside my garden."
+
+"Hello!" I said; "come out for a walk?"
+
+"I can't come out at the bidding of young men on the highway. It isn't
+done."
+
+"Never mind. Come out."
+
+"Have I ever been introduced to you?"
+
+"Introductions went out years ago. Come by the side gate."
+
+She came. She held a shady hat in her hand and walked on tip-toe.
+
+"Sh!" she cautioned; "no one must see me. I have a reputation, you
+know. I don't want the Vicar to denounce me from the pulpit on Sunday
+in front of Baby."
+
+"I will be quite frank with you," she went on, holding out her left
+hand with a dramatic flourish; "I am married--I have a husband."
+
+I gave a hollow groan; then, with a manly effort, I mastered my
+emotion.
+
+"I hope he's nice to you," I said.
+
+"No, he isn't. He grouches off to the office in the morning and
+grouches back in the evening and reads newspapers. He's just grouched
+off now."
+
+"The callous brute!" I hissed through my teeth.
+
+"There's worse than that," she said darkly.
+
+"No!"
+
+"Yes. To-day, to-day is an anniversary, and he forgot it." The manner
+was that of MADAME BERNHARDT.
+
+"Anniversaries," I said reassuringly, "are difficult to remember. They
+accumulate so."
+
+"Are you defending him?" she protested.
+
+"Er--no," I said hastily. "The man's an unmitigated scoundrel. He
+ought to be divorced or something. What anniversary was it?"
+
+"Our wedding-day," she said with a sob in the voice.
+
+"Heavens!" I said. "Oh, the dastardly ruffian!"
+
+"_You_ wouldn't forget your wedding-day, would you?"
+
+"_Never!_" I said hoarsely.
+
+"You're quite rather nice," she sighed.
+
+"You're adorable," I said readily.
+
+"How lovely! My husband never says things like that." And she leant
+against my shoulder.
+
+We got on rather well after that. We had lunch in an inn garden, where
+you could smell lavender and sweet peas and roses and where there were
+box hedges turned under magical spells into giant birds. We discovered
+a stream in a wood with hart's-tongue fern growing along its banks. I
+picked her armfuls of wild roses.
+
+"It's to make up," I said, "because your brute of a husband forgot
+your wedding-day."
+
+"I'd love to be married to you," she said brazenly.
+
+I turned aside to brush away a bitter tear.
+
+It was almost dusk when we got back to the side gate.
+
+"Good-bye," she whispered. "Go away quickly; I believe that's the
+Vicar coming down the road."
+
+Then she shut the gate with gentle swiftness in my face. I walked
+round to the front door. She was in the hall.
+
+"Hello!" she said; "I hope you had a good day at the office?"
+
+"Thanks," I said; "pretty rotten."
+
+"I've had a lovely day," she said; "I picked up such a nice young man
+in the high road. He's taking me out to-night. He's just going to ring
+up for seats."
+
+Without a word I went to the telephone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=The Right Order of Things at Last.=
+
+"A Gentleman would be pleased to Recommend his Butler in whose service
+he has been three years."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "TO AMERICANS IN LONDON.--The ----, Cornwall, offers you
+    comfortable home while on this side; far away from the madding
+    crown."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Republican prejudices respected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was a hard-swearing old sailor
+  Whose speech might have startled a jailer;
+  But he frankly avowed
+  That the charabanc crowd
+  Would not be allowed on a whaler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE PATIENTS' LIBRARY.=
+
+Though a West-End physician of repute, he must, I think, have had a
+course of American training, if rapidity of action be any indication
+thereof.
+
+Scarcely had the maid ushered me into his study and I had taken a seat
+than he came forward brusquely, looked at me with the glowering eye of
+the _Second Murderer_, grasped a large piece of me in the region of
+the fourth rib and barked, "You're too fat."
+
+Having been carefully bred I refrained from retaliation. I did
+not tell him that his legs were out of drawing and that he had a
+frightfully vicious nose. But before I had time to explain my business
+he had started on a series of explosive directions: "Eat proper food.
+Plenty of open air. Exercise morning, noon and night and in between.
+Use the Muldow system. You need a tonic."
+
+He turned to his table and was, I suppose, about to draw a cheque for
+me on the local chemist's when I decided to say my little piece.
+
+"Excuse me, Sir," said I mildly, "I am not a patient."
+
+The combination fountain-pen and thermometer almost fell from his
+hand.
+
+"I am," said I, "the sole proprietor and sole representative of the
+Physicians' Supply Association. I gave your maid my card. I have
+called with a thrilling offer of magazines for your waiting-room."
+
+"What dates?" said he, a gleam of interest in his dark eye.
+
+"All pre-war," said I proudly; "none of them are later than 1900 and
+some go back to 1880."
+
+"Not B.C.?" said he, with a look in which hope and disbelief were
+mingled.
+
+"No," said I. "All are A.D.; but they include two Reports of Missions
+to Deep Sea Fishermen in 1885--very rare. I'm sure they would match
+splendidly the Proceedings of the Royal Commission on Aniline Dyes
+which you have in the waiting-room."
+
+"No," said he firmly. "I have one of the most important practices in
+Harley Street. I likewise possess one of the finest collections of old
+magazines in the profession. That blue-book on Aniline Dyes is barely
+fifty years old. It was left me by my father, and I retain it simply
+through affection for him in spite of its modernity. But the rest
+go back to the Crimean vintage and earlier. When you have something
+really old, come to me. But"--and he threw in a winning smile in his
+best bedside manner--"not till then."
+
+I am now in search of a young practitioner who is merely starting a
+collection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+[Illustration SCENE.--_A Flower Show: Garden Ornament Section._
+
+_Mother._ "I DON'T CARE FOR THAT LITTLE FIGURE. HE'S TOO
+EIGHTEENTH-CENTURY FOR MY TASTE."
+
+_Critical Little Girl_ (_who has lately taken part in
+tableaux-vivants_). "HOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT CENTURY HE IS, MOTHER? HE'S
+GOT NO CLOTHES ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+If sorrow's crown of sorrow is as the poet says, it should be equally
+true that there is enough satisfaction in remembering unhappier things
+to ensure success for _The Crisis of the Naval War_ (CASSELL), the
+large and dignified volume in which Admiral of the Fleet Viscount
+JELLICOE OF SCAPA, G.C.B., O.M., G.C.V.O., reminds us how near the
+German submarines came to triumph in 1917, and details the various
+ways by which their menace was overcome. It is a solid book, written
+with authority, and addressed rather to the expert than to the casual
+reader; but even the latter individual (the middle-aged home-worker,
+for instance, remembering the rationed plate of beans and rice that
+constituted his lunch in the Spring of 1917) can thrill now to read of
+the precautions this represented, and the multiform activities that
+kept that distasteful dish just sufficiently replenished. I have
+observed that Viscount JELLICOE avoids any approach to sensationalism.
+His book however contains a number of exceedingly interesting
+photographs of convoys at sea, smoke-screens, depth-charges exploding,
+and the like, which the most uninformed can appreciate. And in at
+least one feature of "counter-measures," the history of the decoy or
+mystery ships, the record is of such exalted and amazing heroism that
+not the strictest language of officialdom can lessen its power to stir
+the heart. Who, for example, could read the story of _The Prize_, and
+the involuntary tribute from the captured German commander that rounds
+it off, without a glow of gratitude and pride? Do you recall how we
+would attempt to stifle curiosity with the unsatisfactory formula, "We
+shall know some day"? Here in this authoritative volume is another
+corner of the curtain lifted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although he is still comparatively a newcomer, a book with the
+signature of Mr. JOSEPH HERGESHEIMER is already something of a
+landmark in the publishing season. To this repute _Linda Condon_
+(HEINEMANN) will certainly add. In many ways I incline to think it, or
+parts of it, the best work that this unusual artist has yet done. The
+development of _Linda_, in the hateful surroundings of an American
+"hotel-child," through her detached and observant youth to a womanhood
+austere, remote, inspired only by the worship of essential beauty, is
+told with an exquisite rightness of touch that is a continual delight.
+Mr. HERGESHEIMER has above all else the gift of suggesting atmosphere
+and colour (ought I not in mere gratitude to bring myself to say
+"color"?); his picture of _Linda's_ amazing mother and the rest of
+the luxurious brainless company of her hotel existence has the exotic
+brilliance of the orchid-house, at once dazzling and repulsive. Later,
+in the course of her married life, inspiring and inspired by the
+sculptor _Pleydon_ (in whose fate the curious may perhaps trace some
+echo of recent controversy), the story of _Linda_ becomes inevitably
+less vivid, though its grasp of the reader's sympathy is never
+relaxed. In fine, a tale short as such go nowadays, but throughout
+of an arresting and memorable beauty. The state of modern American
+fiction has, if I may say so without offence, been for some time a
+cause of regret to the judicious; let Mr. HERGESHEIMER be resolute in
+refusing to lower his standard by over-production, and I look to see
+him leading a return towards the best traditions of an honourable
+past.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is not an impossible conception that _Sniping in France_
+(HUTCHINSON) will still be available in libraries in the year 2020
+A.D., and I can imagine the title then catching the eye of some
+enthusiastic sportsman, whose bent for game is stronger than his
+knowledge of history. Feeling that here is a new class of shooting for
+him to try his hand at, he will hasten to acquaint himself with the
+details and will discover that the first of the essentials is a
+European war in full blast. Whether or not he will see his way to
+arrange that for himself, I don't know and, since I shall not be
+present, I don't care. But in any case he will be absorbed in an
+eminently scientific and indeed romantic study of perhaps the most
+thrilling and deadly-earnest big game hunting there has ever been, and
+he will be left not a little impressed with the work of the author,
+Major H. HESKETH PRICHARD, D.S.O., M.C., his skill, energy and
+personality. As to this last he will find a brief summing-up in the
+foreword of General Lord HORNE, and he will be able to visualise the
+whole "blunderbuss" very clearly by the help of the illustrations of
+Mr. ERNEST BLAIKLEY, of the late Lieut. B. HEAD, and of the camera.
+There is undoubtedly much controversial matter in the book, which must
+necessarily give rise to the most remarkable gun-room discussions. I
+can well imagine some stout-hearted Colonel, prompted by his love for
+the plain soldier-man and his rooted dislike of all "specialists,"
+becoming very heated in the small hours of the morning about the
+paragraph on page 97, in which a division untrained in the Sniping
+Schools is in passing compared to a band of "careless and ignorant
+tourists."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Senor IBANEZ' new novel, _Mare Nostrum_ (CONSTABLE), is ostensibly a
+yarn about spies and submarines, its hero a gallant Spanish captain,
+_Ulysses Ferragut_, scion of a long line of sailormen. And there can
+be no doubt of the proper anti-German sentiments of this stout fellow,
+even though his impetuous passion for _Freya Talberg_, a Delilah in
+the service of the enemy, did make him store a tiny island with what
+the translator will persist in calling combustibles, meaning, one
+supposes, fuel. But more fundamentally it is an affectionate song
+of praise of the Mediterranean and the dwellers on its littoral,
+especially the fiery and hardy sailors of Spain, and of Spaniards, in
+particular the Valencians and Catalonians. Signor IBANEZ' method
+is distinctly discursive; he gives, for instance, six-and-twenty
+consecutive pages to the description of the inmates of the Naples
+Aquarium and is always ready to suspend his story for a lengthy
+disquisition on any subject, person or place that interests him. This
+puts him peculiarly at the mercy of his transliterator, who has a
+positive genius for choosing the wrong word and depriving any comment
+of its subtlety, any well-made phrase of its distinction. Even
+plain narrative such as the following is none too attractive:--"The
+voluminous documents would become covered with dust on his table and
+Don Esteban would have to saddle himself with the dates in order that
+the end of the legal procedures should not slip by." What ingenuous
+person authorises this sort of "authorised translation"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If I may say so without offence, Mr. EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS reminds me
+a little of those billiard experts who, having evolved a particular
+stroke, will continue it indefinitely, to the joy of the faithful
+and the exasperated boredom of the others. To explain my metaphor, I
+gather that Mr. BURROUGHS, having "got set," to an incredible number
+of thousands, with an invention called _Tarzan_, is now by way of
+beating his own record over the adventures of _John Carter_ in the red
+planet Mars. Concerning these amazing volumes there is just this to
+say, that either you can read them with avidity or you can't read them
+at all. From certain casual observations I conceive the test to be
+primarily one of youth, for honesty compels my middle-age to admit
+a personal failure. I saw the idea; for one thing no egg was ever a
+quarter so full of meat as the Martian existence of incomprehensible
+thrills, to heighten the effect of which Mr. BURROUGHS has invented
+what amounts to a new language, with a glossary of its own, thus
+appealing to a well-known instinct of boyhood, but rendering the whole
+business of a more than Meredithian obscurity to the uninitiate. I
+have hitherto forgotten to say that the particular volume before me is
+called _The War Lord of Mars_ (METHUEN). I may add that it closes
+with the heroic _Carter_ hailed as Jeddak of Jeddaks, which sounds
+eminently satisfactory, though without conveying any definite promise
+of finality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Knight._ "LET'S SEE. WE HAVE ALREADY OVERCOME THE
+CHIEF JAILER AND HIS TEN ASSISTANTS, AND SLAIN THE FEARSOME HOUND
+WHICH GUARDED THE COURTYARD. WE HAVE NOW TO DESTROY THE ONE-EYED GIANT
+AND THE BEAN-FED DRAGON, SCALE THE OUTER WALL, SWIM THE MOAT AND THEN
+TO HORSE. COURAGE, SWEET LADY! YOU ARE PRACTICALLY SAVED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Do Poultry Pay?=
+
+    "Six Hens for sale, some laying 7s. each."--_Local Paper._
+
+You will find three of them as good as a guinea-fowl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But the germ of Socialism or BZolshevism--however you like to
+    call it--has hardly entered the Polish working-class blood."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+We fear, however, that it has got into our contemporary's
+composing-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 116 corrected Typo: changed "Encylopaedia" to "Encyclopaedia".
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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