diff options
Diffstat (limited to '19151-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/19151-h.htm | 3685 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/101-600.png | bin | 0 -> 27659 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/101.png | bin | 0 -> 103435 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/103-600.png | bin | 0 -> 30771 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/103.png | bin | 0 -> 452671 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/104-600.png | bin | 0 -> 39855 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/104.png | bin | 0 -> 341955 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/105-415.png | bin | 0 -> 20612 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/105.png | bin | 0 -> 173917 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/107-1-600.png | bin | 0 -> 22870 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/107-2-600.png | bin | 0 -> 14363 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/107-3-362.png | bin | 0 -> 9185 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/107-4-219.png | bin | 0 -> 3356 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/107-5-600.png | bin | 0 -> 13691 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/107.png | bin | 0 -> 370581 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/109-600.png | bin | 0 -> 33839 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/109.png | bin | 0 -> 284555 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/110-600.png | bin | 0 -> 44302 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/110.png | bin | 0 -> 437720 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/111-368.png | bin | 0 -> 31071 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/111.png | bin | 0 -> 707724 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/113-600.png | bin | 0 -> 27854 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/113.png | bin | 0 -> 227405 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/114-352.png | bin | 0 -> 23373 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/114.png | bin | 0 -> 145313 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/115-600.png | bin | 0 -> 22721 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/115.png | bin | 0 -> 171057 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/117-600.png | bin | 0 -> 40612 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/117.png | bin | 0 -> 357612 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/119-600.png | bin | 0 -> 36795 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/119.png | bin | 0 -> 326524 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/120-330.png | bin | 0 -> 26224 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19151-h/images/120.png | bin | 0 -> 168862 bytes |
33 files changed, 3685 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/19151-h/19151-h.htm b/19151-h/19151-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..a878ab7 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/19151-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3685 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + + <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta name="generator" content="HTML Tidy, see www.w3.org" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, August 11th, 1920.</title> +<style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; +} +p { + text-align: justify; +} +p.center { + text-align: center; +} +p.center1 { + text-align: center; + line-height: 40%; +} +p.author { + margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right; +} +p.author1 { + margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 25%; text-align: right; +} + +.note { + font-size: 0.8em; + margin-left: 15%; + margin-right: 15%; +} + +p.right { +text-align: right; +} + +p.indent { + text-indent: 1.5em; +} +blockquote { + text-align: justify; +} +h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 { + text-align: center; +} +td { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding-left: 1em; + padding-right: 1em; +} + +td.left { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: left; + padding-left: 1em; + padding-right: 1em; +} + +td.left1 { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: left; + padding-left: 0.2em; + padding-right: 0; +} + +td.right { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: right; + padding: 0; +} + +td.inset { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding: 1em; + border: 2px solid black; +} + +td.note { + text-align: left; + font-size: 0.9em; + font-weight: normal; + border: 1px dashed; + padding: 1em; + } + +td.bigbrace { + font-size: 2.5em; + font-weight: normal; + padding: 0; + } + +ul { + margin-left: 8%; + list-style-type: none; + } +ul.left { + margin-left: 7%; + list-style-type: none; + } + +pre { + font-size: 0.7em; +} +hr { + width: 50%; text-align: center; +} +hr.full { + width: 100%; +} +hr.short { + width: 20%; text-align: center; +} + +span.pagenum { + font-size: 8pt; right: 91%; left: 1%; position: absolute; +} +.sc { + font-variant: small-caps; + font-weight: normal; +} + +.sc1 { + font-variant: small-caps; + font-weight: bold; +} + +span.outdent { + text-align: left; + margin-left: -2em; + font-size: 1.0em; + font-weight: normal; +} +span.outdent1 { + text-align: left; + margin-left: -2.5em; + font-size: 1.0em; + font-weight: normal; +} + +sub { +font-size: 0.7em; +} + +.uline { +text-decoration: underline; +} + +.poem { + margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left; +} +.poem .stanza { + margin: 1em 0em; +} +.poem p { + padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em; +} +.poem p.i2 { + margin-left: 1em; +} +.poem p.i4 { + margin-left: 2em; +} +.poem p.i6 { + margin-left: 3em +} +.poem p.i8 { + margin-left: 4em +} +.poem p.i10 { + margin-left: 5em +} +.poem p.i12 { + margin-left: 6em +} +.poem p.i16 { + margin-left: 8em +} +.poem p.i24 { + margin-left: 12em +} +.poem p.i32 { + margin-left: 16em +} +.poem p.i40 { + margin-left: 20em +} + +.poem1 { + margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 30%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left; +} +.poem1 .stanza { + margin: 1em 0em; +} +.poem1 p { + padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em; +} +.poem1 p.i2 { + margin-left: 1em; +} +.poem1 p.i4 { + margin-left: 2em; +} +.poem1 p.i6 { + margin-left: 3em +} +.poem1 p.i8 { + margin-left: 4em +} +.poem1 p.i10 { + margin-left: 5em +} +.poem1 p.i12 { + margin-left: 6em +} +.poem1 p.i16 { + margin-left: 8em +} +.poem1 p.i24 { + margin-left: 12em +} +.poem1 p.i32 { + margin-left: 16em +} +.poem1 p.i40 { + margin-left: 20em +} + + +.figure { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figcenter { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figright { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figleft { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figure img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figcenter img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figright img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figleft img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figure p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figcenter p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figright p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figleft p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figure p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figcenter p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figright p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figleft p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figcenter { + margin: auto; +} +.figright { + float: right; +} +.figleft { + float: left; +} + + a:link { + color: #3300ff; + background: #ffffff; + text-decoration: none; + } + + a:visited { + color: #3300ff; + background: #ffffff; + text-decoration: none; + } + + a:active { + color: #3300ff; + background: #ffffff; + text-decoration: none; + } + + +</style> + +<meta content="mshtml 6.00.2800.1515" name="generator" /></head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +August 11, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, August 11, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: August 31, 2006 [EBook #19151] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span> + +<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> + +<h2>VOL. 159.</h2> + +<hr class="full" /> + +<h3>August 11th, 1920.</h3> + +<hr class="full" /> + + +<h4>CHARIVARIA.</h4> + + +<p>"We doubt," says a contemporary, +"if the Government has effected much +by refusing to let Dr. <span class="sc">Mannix</span> land on +Irish shores." We agree. What is +most wanted at the moment is that the +Government should land on Ireland.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>We feel that the time is now ripe for +somebody to pop up with the suggestion +that the wet summer has been +caused by the shooting in Belfast.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Manchester City Council has decided +to purchase the famous Free +Trade Hall for the sum of ninety +thousand pounds. A thorough search +for the Sacred Principles of Liberalism, +which are said to be concealed somewhere +in the basement, +will be undertaken as +soon as the property +changes hands.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There is no truth +in the report that +Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, +after listening to the +grand howl of the +Wolf Cubs at Olympia, +declared that it was +a very tame affair for +anyone used to listening +to Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Kangaroos and +wallabies," says a +Colonial journalist, +"are about the only +things that the Australian +sportsman can +chase." Members of +the M.C.C. team declare +that they expect +to change all that.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Reports that the gold had been removed +from the Bank of Ireland to this +country for the sake of safety have caused +consternation in Dublin. There was +always a possibility, the Irish say, +that the Sinn Feiners might not lay +hands on the stuff, but there isn't one +chance in a hundred of it getting past +Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p><i>À propos</i> of the growing reluctance +on the part of railway servants to take +tips from holiday-makers, it appears +that they are merely following the +example set by the higher officials. We +have positive information that only a +week or so since Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> flatly +refused to take a tip from <i>The Daily +Mail</i>.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>While approving in principle of the +proposal that the finger-prints of all +children should be registered, Government +officials point out that the expense +would certainly be out of all proportion +to the advantage obtained, in +view of the prevailing high prices of +jam.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>There is just this one consolation +about the weather of late. So far the +Government have not placed a tax on +rain.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Soldiers are very dissatisfied with +the way in which ex-service men are +now being treated," states a Sunday +paper. We understand that, if this dissatisfaction +should spread, Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span> +may call upon the Army to resign.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>After exhaustive experiments Signor +<span class="sc">Marconi</span> has failed to obtain any wireless +message from Mars. Much anxiety +is being felt by those persons having +friends or mining shares there.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The youngest son of Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> +is learning to play golf. It is hoped by +this plan to keep his mind off thoughts +of a political career.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A reader living in Aberdeen informs +us that the last batch of Scotch refugees +arrived from England last Thursday in +an exhausted condition.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Cats are very poor swimmers," states +a writer in a weekly journal. This no +doubt accounts for the exceptionally +high infantile mortality among these +domestic pets.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Last week a wedding at Ibstock, +Leicestershire, had to be postponed +after the ceremony had already begun, +owing to the failure of the Registrar to +appear. It was not until the best +man, who denied having mislaid the +Registrar, had been thoroughly searched +that the ceremony was abandoned.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A burglar accused of stealing sixteen +volumes of classical poetry was sentenced +to a month's imprisonment. The +defence that he was insane was evidently +ignored.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Westminster magistrate, the +other day, described a prisoner as "a +very clever thief." It is said that the +fellow intends printing this testimonial +on his letter-paper.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A man knocked down by a racing +motorist in New York is reported to +have had both legs +and an arm fractured, +several ribs broken, +and other injuries. +Motorists in this +country incline to the +theory that it was the +work of an amateur.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Swiss guide recently +discovered a +chamois within sixty +feet of the summit of +the Jungfrau. Only +on receiving the most +explicit assurance that +the Fourth Internationale +would not be +held at Grindelwald +would the creature +consent to resume its +proper place in the +landscape.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to the +conductor of the Southern Syncopated +Orchestra the modern fox-trot has been +evolved from a primitive negro dance +called "The Blues." The theory that +the Blues are the logical outcome of a +primitive negro dance called the fox-trot +is thus exploded.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>A gentleman advertises for an island +for men who are fed up with taxation. +We can only say that Great Britain is +just the very place.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/101.png"><img src="images/101-600.png" width="600" height="409" alt="Now, who on earth might those people be, Donald, dressed like tourists?" /></a> +<p><i>The Laird.</i> <span class="sc">"Now, who on earth might those people be, Donald, dressed like tourists?"</span></p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"In some ways the American woman, it +must be confessed, can give we English points +on good dressing."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Evening Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>She might now extend her beneficence +and include some points on syntax.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The clergy had to work far more than +forty-eight hours per day, but their pay was +quite inadequate."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We don't see how it would be possible +to give adequate remuneration for such +a feat.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span> + + +<h3>IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY.</h3> + +<p>I was greatly pained to read, the +other day, in one of our leading dailies +a most violent and uncalled-for attack +on a popular favourite. Perhaps I +should say one who <i>was</i> popular, for, +alas, favourites have their day, and no +doubt this attack was but to demolish +the reputation of the setting star and +enhance that of a rising one. Still it +was unnecessarily churlish; it criticised +not only the colour of her complexion, +the exuberance of her presence, +but her very name was held up to ridicule, +the fault surely of her god-parents.</p> + +<p>There has been, not unnaturally, +quite a sensation in her circle over +this attack; Papa Gontier and Maman +Cochet clasped each other's hands in +sympathy and said, "What will people +say next of <i>us</i>, a respectable and time-honoured +old couple, if they flout pretty +popular little Dorothy Perkins?" "Of +course, if people who live in a brand-new +red-brick villa choose to invite +Dorothy into their garden, one can't +expect her to look her best; but, after +all, there's only that languishing Stella +Gray who can stand such a trial as that, +and perhaps the stout Frau Druschki." +"She, poor thing, is quite out of favour +just now—hardly mentioned in polite +society. Quite under a cloud; in fact +a greeting from Teplitz is the only +one she gets." "Now William Allen +Richardson (there's a ridiculous long +name, if you like!) was saying only +yesterday how grateful we should all +feel to dear Dorothy, who never seems +to mind the weather and cheers us up +when all else fails." "I must say I +don't feel quite sure of William's sincerity, +he is so very changeable, you +know, and does not <i>really</i> care to be +seen in Dorothy's company."</p> + +<p>Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messimé +was quite hanging her head about it +all. "<i>I</i> live in harmony with <i>all</i> my +neighbours," she simpered. "Ah, yes," +flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing +manner of hers, "that's very easy to +do for colourless people." At this +Caroline Testout turned quite pale and +stuttered, "Well, Dorothy <i>does</i> scream +so." "Hush, hush, my children," said +the deep voice of the venerable Marshal +Niel. Though yellow with extreme old +age the old gentleman bore himself +proudly and his dress was glossy and +clean. "We all have our place in the +world. Let carping critics say what +they please, whether it is Dorothy in +her gay gown or Liberty in her revolutionary +wear, our showy American +cousins, our well-beloved Scotch relations, +or our Persian guests—they are +<i>all</i> welcome, <i>all</i> beautiful." "Hear, +hear!" murmured the other roses.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h3>MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc1">Proposals—Carlyle—Bismarck—Disraeli—A +New Browning Poem<br />—Napoleon on Living British Statesmen.</span></h4> + +<blockquote><p> +[Readers of the vivacious but too reticent +serial now appearing in <i>The Sunday Times</i> +may have noticed that the narrative is now +and then interrupted by a row of what Lord +<span class="sc">Randolph Churchill</span>, during one of his conversations +with Mrs. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> and <span class="sc">Jowett</span>, +called (to the immense delight of the <span class="sc">Master +of Balliol</span>) "those damned dots." Mr. +Punch has, at fabulous expense, acquired the +right to publish certain of the omitted passages, +a selection of which is appended.] +</p></blockquote> + +<h4>Many Admirers.</h4> + +<p>No sooner was I in my earliest teens +and had made up my mind as to the +best cigarettes, than proposals began +to be a matter of daily occurrence, so +that whenever I saw the fifth footman +or the third butler stealthily approaching +me I knew that he was concealing +a <i>billet doux</i>. Sometimes they were +very flattering. Here is one, written +in the big boyish hand of a Prince of +the Blood:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +My beautiful, there is no one like you. +They want me to marry the daughter of a +royal house, but if you will say "Yes" I will +defy them. We will be married by the Archbishop, +who marries and buries so beautifully; +but I shall never need burying, because those +who marry you never die. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Poor boy, I had to send him a negative +by the fifteenth groom in the third +phaeton, drawn by a pair of dashing +chestnuts which another of my unsuccessful +adorers had given me. I noticed +that when they got back to Grosvenor +Square the chestnuts had turned to +greys.</p> + + +<h4>The Sage of Chelsea.</h4> + +<p><span class="sc">Thomas Carlyle</span> loved to have me +trotting in and out of his house in +Cheyne Row, and we had endless talks +on the desirability of silence. "Yon +wee Meg," he used to say, for he refused +to call me "Margot," declaring it +was a Frenchified name—"yon wee +Meg is the cleverest girl in Scotland—and +the wittiest."</p> + +<p>I remember once that <span class="sc">Ruskin</span> was +there too, and we had a little breeze.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ruskin</span> (<i>patronisingly</i>). What do you +think of the paintings of <span class="sc">Turner</span>?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> He bores me.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Ruskin</span> (<i>drawing in a long breath</i>). +Bores you?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>with a slow smile</i>). He probably +bores you too, only you daren't +admit it.</p> + +<p>What would have happened I cannot +imagine had not dear old <span class="sc">Carlyle</span> +offered me a draw of his pipe, while remarking +laughingly, "She's a wonder, +is Meg; she'll lead the world yet."</p> + +<p>One day he asked me what I thought +of his writing.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> Too jerky and overcharged.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Carlyle</span> (<i>wincing</i>). I must try to +improve. What is your theory of authorship?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> I think one should assume +that everything that happens to oneself +must be interesting to others.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Carlyle</span> (<i>as though staggered by a +new idea</i>). Why?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>simply</i>). Because oneself is +so precious, so unique.</p> + +<p>I asked him once what he really +thought of Mrs. <span class="sc">Carlyle</span>, but he +changed the subject.</p> + + +<h4>Bismarck.</h4> + +<p>It was in Berlin, when I was seventeen, +that I met <span class="sc">Bismarck</span>. It was at +the Opera, where, being a young English +girl, I was in the habit of going alone. +The great Chancellor, who was all unconscious +that I had penetrated his +identity, watched me for a long while +between the Acts and then overtook me +on my way home and in French asked +me to supper.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>also in French</i>). But I am +not hungry.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> In Germany you should +do as the Germans do and eat always; +(<i>with emphasis</i>) I do.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>scathingly</i>). I wonder if you +are aware that I am English?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Bismarck</span> (<i>muttering something I +could not catch about England lying +crushed at his feet</i>). But you are beautiful +too! Some day you will be a +countrywoman of mine.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> How?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> Because we shall make +war on England and conquer it, and +it will then be our own and all of you +will be our people and our slaves. At +least we should conquer it if——</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> If what?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> If it were not for a young +man who will then be Prime Minister. +It is of him we are afraid.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> What is his name?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> <span class="sc">Asquith.</span></p> + +<p>Could prescience further go? <span class="sc">Bismarck</span> +then left me with another ungainly +effort at French: <i>"Au revoir, +Mademoiselle."</i> But we never met +again.</p> + +<h4>Disraeli's Last Days.</h4> + +<p>I was with <span class="sc">Disraeli</span> (who was one +of the few men who did not propose to +me) not long before the end, and he +gave me many confidences, although +he knew all about my friendship with +<span class="sc">Gladstone</span>. But then I have always +chosen my friends impartially from all +the camps. My exact memory enables +me to repeat my last conversation with +<span class="sc">Dizzy</span> word for word:—</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> You look tired. Shall I +dance for you?</p> + +<p class="author">(<i>Continued on page 104</i>).</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/103.png"><img src="images/103-600.png" width="600" height="369" alt="I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR THE LADY." /></a> +<h4>THE REAL MUSIC.</h4> +<p><span class="sc">John Bull</span>. "I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR THE LADY."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page104" id="page104"></a>[pg 104]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/104.png"><img src="images/104-600.png" width="600" height="425" alt="... settin' in the rain all day guardin' a tin o' worms" /></a> +<p><i>The Wife (bitterly)</i>. "<span class="sc">Yes, it makes a nice outin' +for me, don't it—settin' in the rain all day guardin' a tin o' worms?</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Dizzy</span>. No, no.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>brightly</i>). Let us be sensible +and talk frankly about your approaching +death. Have you any views as to your +biography?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dizzy</span>. Need there be one?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. Of course.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Dizzy</span> (<i>earnestly</i>). Would you write +it? You would be so discreet.</p> + +<p>I had to refuse, but I am sure I +could have made a more amusing job +of it than <span class="sc">Mr. Buckle</span> has done, in +spite of the love-letters. What a pity +they didn't entrust it to my dear +<span class="sc">Edmund Gosse</span>!</p> + +<h4>A Browning Poem.</h4> + +<p>Here is a little poem that <span class="sc">Browning</span> +wrote for me on hearing me say that +when we were girls "we did not know +the meaning of the word 'fast'":—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>We all of us worship our Margot,</p> +<p>She's such a determined <i>escargot</i>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<h4>Talks with the Dead.</h4> + +<p>The great <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> had died many +years before I was born; and how unjust +it is that the lives of really interesting +people should not coincide! +But with the assistance of my beloved +<span class="sc">Oliver Lodge</span> I have had many conversations +with him. Our first opened +in this manner:—</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. Do you take any interest +in current English politics?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>. <i>Oui</i> (Yes).</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. What do you think of +<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>. An opportunist on horseback.</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. I love riding too. I met +most of my friends in the hunting-field. +You should have seen me cantering into +the hall of our town mansion. Who +do you think our greatest statesman?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> beyond a doubt.</p> + +<p>Both <span class="sc">Plato</span> and <span class="sc">Julius Cæsar</span>, +whom my beloved <span class="sc">Oliver</span> has also introduced +to me, said the same thing.</p> + +<p class="author">E. V. L.</p> + + +<hr /> + + +<h3>FLOWERS' NAMES.</h3> + +<h4><span class="sc1">Solomon's Seal</span>.</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, lordly was <span class="sc">King Solomon</span></p> +<p class="i2">A-stepping down so proud,</p> +<p>With his negro slaves and dancing girls</p> +<p class="i2">And all his royal crowd;</p> +<p>His peacocks and his viziers,</p> +<p class="i2">His eunuchs old and grey,</p> +<p>His gallants and his chamberlains</p> +<p class="i2">And glistening array.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, blithesome was <span class="sc">King Solomon</span></p> +<p class="i2">That burning summer day</p> +<p>When lo! a humble shepherdess</p> +<p class="i2">Stood silent in his way;</p> +<p>Then stepped down kingly <span class="sc">Solomon</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">And proud and great stepped he,</p> +<p>And there he kissed the shepherdess—</p> +<p class="i2">Kissed one and two and three.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then proudly turned the peasant-maid—</p> +<p class="i2">Pale as a ghost was she—</p> +<p>"For all ye are <span class="sc">King Solomon</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">What make ye here so free?"</p> +<p>Oh, lordly laughed <span class="sc">King Solomon</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">"Shalt be my queen," quoth he;</p> +<p>"These kisses pledged <span class="sc">King Solomon</span></p> +<p class="i2">And sealéd him to thee."</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Then on went splendid <span class="sc">Solomon</span></p> +<p class="i2">And all his glittering band,</p> +<p>And the wondering white peasant-girl</p> +<p class="i2">He led her by the hand;</p> +<p>But in that place sprang flower-stems</p> +<p class="i2">All green, for kingly pride,</p> +<p>With the small white kisses hanging down</p> +<p class="i2">With which he sealed his bride.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<hr /> + </div> </div> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span> + + +<h3>SQUATTERS.</h3> + +<p>Ursula came into the study, carrying +something that had once been a photograph, +but which the ravages of time +had long since reduced to a faded and +almost indecipherable problem.</p> + +<p>"Dear," she said, "you know this +portrait of Clara's boy, the one in the +sailor suit, from my writing-table? I +was looking at it just now——"</p> + +<p>I interrupted her (it really was one +of my rushed mornings). "I've been +looking at it any time these fifteen +years," I observed bitterly, "watching +it become every day more and more +fly-blown and like nothing on earth. +What entitles it to special notice at +this moment?"</p> + +<p>"Nothing—much," said Ursula; but +from the tone of her voice experience +taught me that sentiment was only +just out of sight. "I was wondering +whether to burn it——"</p> + +<p>"Good."</p> + +<p>"And then I thought that, as he was +married the other day and is quite +likely to have a boy of his own, it +would be interesting to compare this +early portrait."</p> + +<p>"It would," I assented grimly. Perhaps +disappointment had made me +brutal. "There's almost nothing, from +the Alps at midnight to Royalty down +a coalmine, with which it would not be +equally safe and appropriate to compare +it. Only, as I gather that this +involves its continued existence for a +further indefinite period, my one request +is that in the meantime you +remove it. Shut it in the safe. Bury +it. But don't leave it about."</p> + +<p>"Aren't you being rather excited +about nothing?"</p> + +<p>"No. This is a matter of principle, +and I am speaking for your own good. +Fifteen years ago that photograph, unframed +and in the first flush of youth, +was casually deposited on your writing-table. +Perhaps you only meant to put +it out of your hand for a moment while +you attended to something else. But +you know what the result has been. It +has remained there, gradually establishing +a prescriptive right. No doubt it +has been dusted, with the rest of the +room, seven times a week...."</p> + +<p>"Six times," said Ursula, smiling, +but blushing a little too—I was glad +to observe that.</p> + +<p>"... and as often been replaced. Its +charm for the observant visitor has, +to put the thing mildly, long since +vanished. I doubt if either of us would +so much as see it had it not attained +for me the fascination of an eye-sore. +Yet it stays on, simply because no one +has the initiative to take action. To +put it concisely, it is a squatter."</p> + +<p>"Don't be ridiculous."</p> + +<p>"I was never more serious in my +life. This speckled travesty, this photographic +mummy, is but one example +out of many. I do not know whether +other homes resemble ours in the same +tendency towards the mausoleum. But +I strongly suspect it."</p> + +<p>"What things are there besides +this?" broke out Ursula, suddenly defensive. +"Tell me a list of them."</p> + +<p>"You forget, sweetheart, that as a +professional literary man my time, +especially in the morning, has a certain +commercial value, but I will endeavour +to do as you ask. You would of +course justly repudiate any comparison +between your own artistic setting and +those Victorian houses wherein the +'drawing-room book' reposed always +in the same sacred corner. Yet in +the matter of derelict articles we are +millionaires, we are beset by squatters."</p> + +<p>I could see that Ursula was impressed, +though she tried to conceal the +fact. "Professional literary men seem +to be strangely under the dominion of +one word," she began coldly.</p> + +<p>At that moment a bell tinkled.</p> + +<p>"Eliza!" cried Ursula; "and I'm not +dressed." As she fluttered from the +room I had a distinct impression that +she was not sorry for an excuse to +break off the interview.</p> + +<p>I re-settled myself at my desk, smiling +a little cynically. How long would the +lesson last? Then I happened to +glance towards the mantelpiece, beside +which Ursula had been standing. +There, hastily propped against the +clock, was that detestable photograph. +It still quivered in the movement of +release, as though shaking its shoulders, +settling down palpably for another decade. +With an uncontrollable impulse +I leapt up, seized the abomination and, +flinging it on the floor, ground it to +powder with my heel.</p> + +<p>In one word, the anti-squatting campaign +had definitely begun.</p> + +<p class="author">A. E.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/105.png"><img src="images/105-415.png" width="415" height="450" alt="Wot! In me dinner-hour? Not me!" /></a> +<p><i>Navvy.</i> "<span class="sc">Why don't yer wear them boards the right way round</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Sandwichman.</i> "<span class="sc">Wot! In me dinner-hour? Not me!</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Some five or six million years hence, +therefore, it is prophesied, the earth will fall +into the grip of an ice age. There will descend +on all living things the blight of eternal cod."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Scotch Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Although the danger is not immediate +it deserves the serious consideration of +the <span class="sc">Food Controller</span>.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span> + + + + +<h3>SQUISH.</h3> + +<h4><i>(Being some notes on a bye-path in politics.)</i></h4> + + +<p>The Board of Agriculture has been biding its time. In +the fierce light of publicity which has been beating of late +upon Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span> and Sir +<span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> the attempt of this rustic Ministry to assert +itself has passed almost unnoticed. Our gaze has been +fixed upon the London railway termini, upon Warsaw and +upon Belfast; we have been neglecting Campden (Glos.). +Yet in that town, I read, "the Ministry of Agriculture has +completed arrangements for a commercial course in the +State Fruit and Vegetable College to instruct students in +the manufacture of preserved fruit products."</p> + +<p>I have considered the last part of the sentence quoted +above very carefully in the light of the Rules and Regulations +governing procedure in State Departments, Magna +Carta, the Habeas Corpus Act and the Constitutions of +Clarendon, and have come to the conclusion that it means +"making jam." I am very sure, as the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> +would say, that things are about to happen in preserved +fruit products; things will become very much worse and +very much sterner in jam. And if in jam why then also +in jelly and in marmalade. Even at this moment in the +offices of the Board of Agriculture there are a number of +clerks, I suppose, sitting with schedules in front of them, +something like this:—</p> + + +<table align="center" border="1" summary="list"> + +<tr> + <td width="11%"> </td> + <td class="left1" width="17%">No. of candidates in training in</td> + <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates awaiting training in</td> + <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates fully trained</td> + <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates trained but not full</td> + <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates full, but not trained</td> + <td class="left1" valign="top"> Total </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left1"><br />1. Jam<br /><br /></td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left1"><br />2. Jelly<br /><br /></td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left1"><br />3. Marmalade <br /><br /></td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left1"><br /> Total<br /><br /></td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> + <td> </td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<p>The perfect beauty of schedules framed upon this model +is only to be apprehended by those who realise that when +they are filled in and added up correctly the figure at the +base of the vertical "Total" column on the right is identical +with the figure on the right of the horizontal "Total" +column at the base. It is the haunting magic of this fact +that gives to Government clerks the wistful far-away look +which they habitually wear.</p> + +<p>It is not a good schedule this, of course—not a complete, +not an exhaustive one. After a month or so it will be discovered +with a cry of astonishment that no record has +been kept of the number of candidates who are being +trained in jam or jelly (combined) but not in marmalade, in +jelly and marmalade (combined) but not in jam, and in jam +and marmalade (combined) but not in jelly. And so a new +and a greater schedule will have to be compiled. But even +after that for a long time no one will notice that nothing +has been said about the number of candidates who are being +trained in jam and jelly and marmalade all combined and +mashed up together, as they are at a picnic on the sands.</p> + +<p>Of the many debatable issues raised by this new Government +project, in so far as it affects the spheres of jelly and +jam, I do not propose to speak now; I prefer to confine my +attention for the moment to the fruit product which touches +most nearly the home breakfast-table—namely, marmalade.</p> + +<p>There are three schools of thought in marmalade. There +are those who like the dark and very runny kind with large +segments or wedges of peel. There are those who prefer +a clear and jellified substance with tiny fragments of peel +enshrined in it as the fly is enshrined in amber. And +there are some, I suppose, who favour a kind of glutinous +yellow composition, neither reactionary nor progressive, but +something betwixt and between. There can be very little +doubt which kind of marmalade the State Marmalade +School will produce.</p> + +<p>And then, mark you, one fine day the President of the +Board of Agriculture will turn round and issue a <i>communiqué</i> +to the Press like this:—</p> + +<p>"Preferential treatment in the supply of sugar for the +purpose of conducting the processes of manufacture of fruit +products will henceforward be given to those who possess +the Campden diploma for proficiency in the conduct of the +above-named processes."</p> + +<p>And where is your freedom then? Cooks and housewives +will be condemned either to make State marmalade or to +make no marmalade at all. Personally I am inclined to +think that the President of the Board of Agriculture will +go further than this. I think that encouragement will be +given to those who take the State Marmalade course to +follow it up with a subsidiary or finishing course of wasp +treatment.</p> + +<p>And in wasp treatment also there are three schools. +There is what is called the <span class="sc">Churchill</span> school, which hits +out right and left with an infuriated spoon. Then there is +the <span class="sc">Montagu</span> school, which takes no provocative action, +but sits still and says, "They won't sting you if you don't +irritate them;" it says this especially when they are flying +round somebody else's head. And lastly there is the +Medium school, which, choosing the moment when the +wasp is busily engaged, presses it down gently and firmly +into the marmalade, so that the last spoonfuls of the dish +are not so much a fruit product as a kind of entomological +preserve. The last way, I think, will be the State way of +dealing with wasps, and a reward will probably be offered +for the stings of all wasps embalmed on Coalition lines.</p> + +<p>The electorate has stuck to the Government through the +Peace Treaty, through Mesopotamia, through Ireland and +through coal. Can it stick to them, is what I ask, through +marmalade?</p> + +<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p> + +<hr /> + +<h3><i>MENS CONSCIA MALI</i>.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The lightning flashed and flickered, roared the thunder,</p> +<p class="i2">Down came the rain, and in the usual way</p> +<p>Pavilionward we sped to sit and wonder</p> +<p class="i4">Was this the end of play.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>In scattered groups my comrades talked together,</p> +<p class="i2">Their disappointment faded bit by bit,</p> +<p>So soothing can it be to tell the weather</p> +<p class="i4">Just what you think of it.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But I—I sat aloof as one distressed by</p> +<p class="i2">A painful tendency to droop and wilt;</p> +<p>Though none suspected it, I was oppressed by</p> +<p class="i4">A conscience charged with guilt.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>I watched the pitch become a sodden pulp, a</p> +<p class="i2">Morass, a sponge, a lake, a running stream,</p> +<p>What time a sad repentant <i>Mea culpa</i></p> +<p class="i4">Was all my musing's theme.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Mine was the cricket sin too hard to pardon</p> +<p class="i2">In one whose age should carry greater sense;</p> +<p>On Friday night I'd watered all the garden,</p> +<p class="i4">Thus tempting Providence.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<blockquote> +<p>"Mr. —— asserted that the Russian people would be permitted +'untrammelled to pork out their own salvation.'"</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p></blockquote> +<p>And why not the Irish people too?</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span> +<h4>THE MAN WHO <span class="uline">WOULD</span> GET TO THE SEASIDE.</h4> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-1-600.png" width="600" height="210" alt="Trains full." /></a> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Trains full</span>.</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-2-600.png" width="600" height="196" alt="Charabanks full." /></a> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Charabanks full</span>.</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<table align="center" summary="list"> +<tr> + <td><a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-3-362.png" width="362" height="203" alt="Aeroplanes full." border="0" /></a> +<p class="center"><span class="sc" style="font-size:0.9em;">Aeroplanes full</span>.</p></td> + <td><a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-4-219.png" width="219" height="203" alt="The Last Resource." border="0" /></a> +<p class="center"><span class="sc" style="font-size:0.9em;">The Last Resource</span>.</p></td> +</tr> +</table> + +<br /><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-5-600.png" width="600" height="194" alt="Sea, Sand and full." /></a> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Sea, Sand and Hotels full</span>.</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span> + + +<h3>THE COUNTER-IRRITANT</h3> + +<p>Most men have a hobby. Timbrell-Timson's +is to bear on his narrow +shoulders the burden of Middle Europe. +He calls it Mittel-Europa. Lately he +has been sharing his burden with me.</p> + +<p>"You know," he said, frowning—he +always frowns, because of the burden—"I +am rather uneasy about the Czecho-Slovaks."</p> + +<p>"I'm not too comfortable about them +myself," I said truthfully.</p> + +<p>"There seems to be a certain lack of +stability about their new constitution," +said T.-T., "a—a—a—what shall I +say?"</p> + +<p>"A—er—um—a," I put in.</p> + +<p>"Exactly; just so," said T.-T. He +then got into his stride and gave me +twenty minutes' Czecho-Slovakism +when I was dying to discover whether +<span class="sc">Hobbs</span> had scored his two-millionth +run.</p> + +<p>As T.-T. talked my mind wandered +away into regions of its own—Aunt +Jane's rheumatic gout, my broken niblick, +the necessity for getting my hair +cut. But sub-consciously I reserved a +courteous minimum of attention for +T.-T., and said, "H'm" and "Ha" with +decent frequency. He went on and on, +shedding several ounces of the burden. +I decided that Aunt Jane ought to have +a shot at Christian Science.</p> + +<p>"... very much the same plight as +the Poles," said T.-T., emerging from a +cloud of Czecho-Slovakism and pausing +to clear his meagre throat.</p> + +<p>I felt it was up to me. "Of course," +I said, "the Poles don't strike one as +being—er—very—that is—"</p> + +<p>"Precisely. They are not," said T.-T., +as I knew he would. "But I am very +relieved to see that M. Grabski...."</p> + +<p>This was something new and sounded +amusing. "Grabski?" I said. "What's +happened to dear old—"I mean, I thought +M. Paderewski was—"</p> + +<p>"I am referring to the recent Spa +Conference," said T.-T. severely.</p> + +<p>"Of course, how silly of me," I murmured.</p> + +<p>T.-T. gave me another twenty minutes +of Poland. Then he released me, with +a final word of warning against putting +too much faith in M. Daschovitch. I +promised I wouldn't.</p> + +<p>T.-T. shook me cordially.by the hand +and said, "It has been a pleasure to +talk to such a sympathetic listener."</p> + +<p>What led me to revolt was T.-T.'s +hat-trick. Three evenings in succession +he unloaded on me chunks of the burden. +Probably he thought the third time +made it my own property.</p> + +<p>I asked advice from Brown, a man +of commonsense.</p> + +<p>"During the Great War," said Brown, +"I went down with pneumonia. They +painted my chest yellow, and, when I +asked the Sister why, she said it was a +counter-irritant. That's what you want +to use now, my lad. Stand up to your +little friend and beat him at his own +game."</p> + +<p>"But how?" I said. "I can't. What +he doesn't know about the gentle Czech +isn't worth a cussovitch."</p> + +<p>"Cultivate a counter-burden," said +Brown, "and make him eat it as he has +made you eat his."</p> + +<p>When I left Brown it was decided +that I was henceforth to be an authority +on Mittel-Afrika. The next evening I +was purposely unoccupied in a corner +of the smoking-room when T.-T. came +in, frowning and bowed down by his +burden, to which apparently I had +brought no relief.</p> + +<p>"Well, to-day's news from Mittel-Europa +is hardly—" he began.</p> + +<p>"Scarcely glanced at it," I said. "I +was so busy with the news from Mittel-Afrika—Abyssinia, +in fact."</p> + +<p>T.-T. looked surprised, partly, no +doubt, because he knew as well as I +did that Abyssinia is nowhere near the +middle of Africa. Then he gained balance +and reopened with the remark that +"The ineradicable weakness of the +Czecho-Slovak is—"</p> + +<p>"Just what I feel about the Ethiopians," +I said.</p> + +<p>"Of course there is in the Czecho a +fundamental—" began T.-T. once +more.</p> + +<p>"Not half so fundamental as in the +Abyssinians," I said promptly.</p> + +<p>T.-T. was puzzled but obstinate. The +burden, I think, was rather bad that +evening. He tried me with Grabski +and got as far as saying that he had +little respect for that gentleman's antecedents.</p> + +<p>I broke in by comparing Grabski's +antecedents with the antecedents of +B'lumbu, the Abyssinian Deputy Under-secretary +of the Admiralty, much to the +detriment of the latter. Then I launched +out into a long and startling <i>exposé</i> of +what I called the Swarthy Peril. I +told T.-T. that the Ethiopians ate their +young, and warned him that, unless he +was careful, they would soon be over here +devouring his own spectacled progeny. +I told him about the Ethiopic secret +plans for the invasion of Mexico as a +stepping-stone to the subjugation of +Mittel-Amerika. I hinted that Abyssinian +spies were everywhere—that +even one of the club waiters was not +above suspicion.</p> + +<p>For thirty-five minutes I held T.-T. +in his chair (may the Abyssinian gods +forgive me!). After the first three +minutes he forgot his burden and never +a word spake he.</p> + +<p>Then I released him with a final +warning against putting any faith at all +in Gran'slâm, the Abyssinian Assistant +Foreign Secretary, and as we parted I +said gratefully, "It has been a pleasure +to talk to such a sympathetic listener."</p> + +<p>I don't think T.-T. really believes +even now in the Swarthy Peril, but the +counter-irritant has done its work.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ANOTHER GARDEN OF ALLAH.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p class="center"> +[The Metropolitan Water Board announces +an advance in the Water Rate.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I cannot fill the bounteous cup</p> +<p class="i2">Munificently as of yore</p> +<p>Because the water's going up</p> +<p class="i2">(It didn't at Lodore);</p> +<p>No longer now can I regale</p> +<p>The canine stranger with a pail</p> +<p class="i2">Drawn from my cistern's store.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Let Samuel the sunflower die,</p> +<p class="i2">Let Gerald the geranium fade,</p> +<p>And all the other plants that I</p> +<p class="i2">Have hitherto displayed;</p> +<p>The virgin grass within my plot</p> +<p>May call for water—I will not</p> +<p class="i2">Preserve a single blade.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Henceforth let Claude the cactus dress</p> +<p class="i2">My garden beds, who bravely grows</p> +<p>Without a frequent S.O.S.</p> +<p class="i2">To water-can and hose.</p> +<p>I've cast these weapons to the void</p> +<p>And permanently unemployed</p> +<p class="i2">Is Hildebrand the hose.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Within the house by words and deeds</p> +<p class="i2">I've run an Anti-Waste Campaign;</p> +<p>On every tap the legend reads:</p> +<p class="i2">"Teetotalers, abstain!"</p> +<p>While on each bath and tub of mine</p> +<p>I've drawn freehand a <span class="sc">Plimsoll</span> line,</p> +<p class="i2">Impressionist but plain.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>When upward mount my chops and cheese</p> +<p class="i2">I fain must bend beneath the blow;</p> +<p>I have to pay the price for these</p> +<p class="i2">Whether I will or no.</p> +<p>But here at least, by dint of thought,</p> +<p>I feel that I can bring to naught</p> +<p class="i2">The rise in H<sub>2</sub>O.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>You'll find that I shall keep in check</p> +<p class="i2">The gross expense of water when</p> +<p>Domestic <i>nettoyage á sec</i></p> +<p class="i2">Rules my ancestral den.</p> +<p>I, unlike Nature, don't abhor</p> +<p>A "vacuum"—to clean the floor:</p> +<p class="i2">In fact I've ordered ten.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"At Bremen ... the crowd seized the stalls +in the market, and sold the goods at prices +between 100 and 200 per cent. lower than the +prices demanded."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Provincial Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The correspondent who sends us the +above cutting demands similar reductions +in English markets in order +that he may live within his income of +<i>minus</i> two pounds a week.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/109.png"><img src="images/109-600.png" width="600" height="400" alt="INCORRIGIBLES." /></a> +<h4>INCORRIGIBLES</h4>. +<p>"<span class="sc">Excuse me, Sir—I'm down here for a rest cure, and not allowed to look +at a newspaper. Perhaps you wouldn't mind telling me what Kaffirs stood at yesterday</span>?"</p> +<p>"<span class="sc">Sorry I can't oblige you. I've sworn off newspapers myself. This is +<i>The Shrimpton Courier</i> for February 12 that +my landlady wrapped my sandwiches in</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE BEGINNER.</h3> + +<p>Six months ago Maurice Gillstone's +flat was the home of unrest. Maurice +was one of those authors who tire of +their creations before completion. He +would get an idea, begin to write and +then turn to some other theme.</p> + +<p>It made the domestic atmosphere +difficult. You would go to call on the +Gillstones and find them plunged in +despair. Maurice would gaze at you +with a wild unseeing eye, pass his +hand through his dishevelled hair, +mutter "The inspiration has left me," +and fling himself into a chair and +groan. Mrs. Maurice would burst into +tears.</p> + +<p>The flat was strewn with fragments +of manuscripts. Plays, novels, poems +(none finished) littered the rooms in profusion; +a brilliant but isolated Scene I., +stray opening chapters of novels, detached +prologues of mighty epics.</p> + +<p>"His beginnings are wonderful," +Mrs. Maurice would wail between her +sobs; "keen critics and men of the +most delicate literary taste rave over +them; but if he can't finish them, +what's the use?"</p> + +<p>It was very sad.</p> + +<p>Then John Edmund Drall, the inventor +of the non-alcoholic beverage +which is now a household word and an +old friend of the Gillstones, came along +and tried to cure Maurice of his literary +defect by the sort of ruse one would +employ on a jibbing horse. He sent +Maurice a bottle of his Lemonbeer and +asked him to write an appreciation of +that noxious fluid.</p> + +<p>"I have asked Maurice," Drall confided +to me, "to scribble a testimonial +to Lemonbeer. It will kind of break the +spell, and it wouldn't be Maurice if he +didn't turn out a perfect gem of literary +composition. I know my Lemonbeer +is really good and I know that Maurice +is extremely appreciative. Maurice is +under a spell. It must be broken. If +he can write a complete testimonial he +will easily finish all those beginnings +of his." The idea seemed sound.</p> + +<p>Well, Maurice drank the Lemonbeer +and, in spite of an increasing tendency +to swoon, did begin to write a gem of a +testimonial. He had, however, written +but the first four words of it when he +fainted. These words were "Lemonbeer +is the best...."</p> + +<p>Maurice would do anything for a +friend, and, as I say, had actually +written "Lemonbeer is the best ..." +after drinking a whole bottle of it.</p> + +<p>It was Drall's advertisement manager +who said that in point of selling power +this testimonial was unsurpassed. "The +finished completeness of the composition," +he said, "shows sheer genius. +Just four words. A word added or subtracted +would ruin it."</p> + +<p>When Maurice came to and learnt +how brilliant he had been he simply +put on his hat and walked round to a +Film Agency to say that he was prepared +to write—and complete—any +number of masterpieces. Since that +day he has never looked back.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Antique Silver</span>.</p> + +<p>Mr. —— invites all interested to inspect his +fine stock which he can offer just new at exceptionally +low prices."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/110.png"><img src="images/110-600.png" width="600" height="427" alt="Oh, that will do splendidly. It's a very old goat." /></a> +<p><i>Peggy</i>. "<span class="sc">Please, Miss Judkin, Mummy says will you +kindly let her have a little brandy for our goat? It's very ill +and Mummy is afraid it's dying</span>."</p> +<p><i>Miss Judkin</i>. "<span class="sc">Tell your mother I'm very sorry, but the only +brandy I've got is very old</span>."</p> +<p><i>Peggy</i>. "<span class="sc">Oh, that will do splendidly. It's a very old +goat</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE FAIR.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Look up, my child, the sirens whoop</p> +<p class="i2">Shrill invitations to the Fair,</p> +<p>The yellow swing-boats soar and swoop,</p> +<p class="i2">The Gavioli organs blare;</p> +<p>Bull-throated show-men, bracken-brown,</p> +<p>Compete to shout each other down.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Behold the booths of gingerbread,</p> +<p class="i2">Of nougat and of peppermints,</p> +<p>The stall of toys where overhead</p> +<p class="i2">Balloons of gay translucent tints</p> +<p>Float on the breeze and drift and sway;</p> +<p>Fruit of a fairy vine are they.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Within this green fantastic grot</p> +<p class="i2">Bright-coloured balls are danced and spun</p> +<p>On jets ("'Ere, lovey, 'ave a shot");</p> +<p class="i2">A gipsy lady tends a gun,</p> +<p>A very rose of gipsy girls,</p> +<p>With earrings glinting in her curls.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Will marvels cease? This humble booth</p> +<p class="i2">Enshrines a dame of royal birth,</p> +<p>Princess Badrubidure, forsooth,</p> +<p class="i2">The fattest princess on the earth;</p> +<p>Come, we will stand where kings have stood,</p> +<p>And you shall pinch her if you're good.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The brasses gleam, the mirrors flash,</p> +<p class="i2">How splendid is the Round-About!</p> +<p>The organ brays, the cymbals clash,</p> +<p class="i2">The spotted horses bound about</p> +<p>Their whirling platform, full of beans,</p> +<p>And country girls ride by like queens.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Professor Battling Bendigo</p> +<p class="i2">(Ex ten-stone champion of the West)</p> +<p>Parades the stage before his show</p> +<p class="i2">And swells his biceps and his chest;</p> +<p>"Is England's manhood dead and gone?"</p> +<p>He asks; "Won't no one take me on?"</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>A big drum booms, revolvers crack;</p> +<p class="i2">Who is this hero that appears,</p> +<p>A velvet tunic on his back,</p> +<p class="i2">His whiskers curling round his ears?</p> +<p>'Tis he who drew the jungle's sting,</p> +<p class="i2">Diabolo, the Lion King.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Within are birds beyond belief</p> +<p class="i2">And creatures colourful and quaint:</p> +<p>Lean dingoes weighed with secret grief</p> +<p class="i2">And monkey humourists who ain't;</p> +<p>Bears, camels, pards—Look up, my dear,</p> +<p>The wonders of the world are here!</p> + </div> </div> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24"><span class="sc">Patlander</span>.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"CELLS BELOW ZERO FOR T.B. PATIENTS.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +Ink in Nurses' Pens Froze when Taking Men's +Temperature."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p>Personally, we prefer having ours taken +with a thermometer.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>"<span class="sc">Offences under the Lighting Orders</span>.</h4> +<blockquote><p> +—At Thursday's petty session Emile —— was +paid £1 for having no near side light on his +motor car."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Local Paper</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p>But ought foreign offenders to be +favoured in this way?</p> + +<hr /> +<blockquote><p> +"Richmond camp is a scene of bustling +activity from sunrise to reveille, or 'Taps' as +the Americans term it."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p>And after that the boy scouts would +appear to have had a nice long day to +themselves.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/111.png"><img src="images/111-368.png" width="368" height="450" alt="IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION" /></a> +<h4>IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION—</h4> +<p><span class="sc">Premier</span> (<i>entering Cabinet Council Room</i>). "WHAT—NOBODY HERE?"</p> +<p><span class="sc">Butler</span>. "YOU FORGET, SIR. THIS IS PRESS DAY. THE GENTLEMEN ARE ALL FINISHING THEIR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;"> +<a href="images/113.png"><img src="images/113-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="A LONG PARTNERSHIP." /></a> +<h4>A LONG PARTNERSHIP.</h4> +<p><i>Capt. Wedgwood Benn</i> (<i>to Mr. Asquith</i>). "<span class="sc">Isn't it about +time you took the gloves off and had a go at 'em yourself?</span>"</p> +<p><i>Top Row</i> (<i>reading from left to right</i>).—Mr. <span class="sc">G. R. +Thorne</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span>, Sir <span class="sc">Donald Maclean</span>, Mr. +<span class="sc">Clynes</span>, Gen. <span class="sc">Seely</span>, Col. <span class="sc">Wedgwood</span>.</p> +<p><i>Middle Row</i>.—The <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, Lieut.-Commander +<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, Mr. +<span class="sc">Asquith</span>, Capt. <span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span>.</p> +<p><i>Bottom Row</i>.—Mr. <span class="sc">George Lambert</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Whitley</span> +(<i>Chairman of Committees</i>).</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3> + +<p><i>Monday, August 2nd.</i>—The rain that +drenched the Bank-holiday-makers had +its counterpart inside the House of +Commons in the shower of Questions +arising out of Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill's</span> article +on the Polish crisis in an evening newspaper. +Members of various parties +sought to know whether, when the +<span class="sc">War Secretary</span> said that peace with +Soviet Russia was only another form +of war and apparently invited the +co-operation of the German militarists +to fight the Bolshevists, he was expressing +the views of the Government; +and if not, what had become of the +doctrine of collective responsibility?</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> manfully tried +to shield his colleague from the storm, +but the effort took all his strength and +ingenuity, and more than once it seemed +as if an unusually violent blast would +blow his umbrella inside out. His +principal points were that the article +did not mean what it appeared to say; +that if it did it was not so much an +expression of policy as of a "hankering"—("<span class="sc">Hankering</span>. +An uneasy craving +to possess or enjoy something"—<i>Dictionary</i>); +that he could not control +his colleagues' desires or their expression, +even in a newspaper hostile to the +Government, so long as they were consistent +with the policy of the Government; +and that he was not aware of +anything in this particular article that +"cut across any declaration of policy +by His Majesty's Government."</p> + +<p>This does not sound very convincing +perhaps, but it was sufficient to satisfy +Members, whose chief anxiety is to get +off as soon as possible to the country, +and who voted down by 134 to 32 an +attempt to move the adjournment.</p> + +<p>The <span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span> formally introduced +a Bill "to make provision for +the restoration and maintenance of +order in Ireland." Earlier in the sitting +the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> had declined +Mr. <span class="sc">De Valera's</span> alleged offer to accept +a republic on the Cuban pattern, and +had reiterated his intention to pass the +Home Rule Bill after the Recess.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> is a declared +opponent of both these measures, but +that did not prevent him from contrasting +the lightning speed of the +House when passing coercion for Ireland +with its snail-like pace when approaching +conciliation. In fifty years +it had not given justice to Ireland; it +was to be asked to give injustice to +Ireland in fewer hours.</p> + +<p><i>Tuesday, August 3rd.</i>—That genial +optimist Lord <span class="sc">Peel</span> commended the +Ministry of Mines Bill as being calculated +to restore harmony and goodwill +among masters and men. According +to Lord <span class="sc">Gainford</span> the best way to +secure this result is to hand back the +control of the mines to their owners, +between whom and the employés, he +declared, cordial relations had existed +in the past. Still, the owners would +work the Bill for what it was worth, +and hoped the miners would do the +same. Lord <span class="sc">Haldane</span> said that was +just what the miners had announced +their intention of not doing unless they +were given a great deal more power +than the Bill proposed. But this lack +of enthusiasm in no way damped Lord +<span class="sc">Peel's</span> ardour. Indeed he observed +that he had "never introduced a Bill +that was received with any sort of enthusiasm." +Mollified by this engaging +candour the Peers gave the Bill a +Second Reading.</p> + +<p>I am glad to record another example +of Government economy. To Mr. <span class="sc">Gilbert</span>, +who desired that more sandpits +should be provided in the London parks +for the delectation of town-tied children, +Sir <span class="sc">Alfred Mond</span> reluctantly but +sternly replied that "in view of the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span> +considerable expenditure involved" he +did not feel justified in adding to the +existing number of three.</p> + +<p>Dumps suggest dolefulness, but the +debate on the action of the Disposals +Board in disposing of the accumulations +at Slough, St. Omer and elsewhere +was decidedly lively. Mr. <span class="sc">Hope</span> +led off by attacking the recent report +of the Committee on National Expenditure, +and declared that its Chairman, +though a paragon of truth, was not +necessarily a mirror of accuracy. The +Chairman himself (Sir <span class="sc">F. Banbury</span>), +seated for the nonce upon +the Opposition Bench, replied +with appropriate vigour in a +speech which caused Sir <span class="sc">Gordon +Hewart</span> to remark that +the passion for censoriousness +was not a real virtue, +but which greatly pleased the +Labour Party, in acknowledging +whose compliments +Sir <span class="sc">Frederick</span> severely +strained the brim of his tall +hat.</p> + +<p>After these star-turns the +"walking gentlemen" had +their chance. Sixteen times +were they called upon to +parade the Division Lobbies +by an Opposition which on +one occasion registered no +fewer than fifty-three votes.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, August 4th.</i>—One +of the few Irish institutions +which all Irishmen +unite in praising is the mail +service between Kingstown +and Holyhead. Even the +Sinn Feiners would think +twice before cutting this link +between England and Ireland. +Yet, according to Lord +<span class="sc">Oranmore and Browne</span>, the +British Post Office has actually +given notice to terminate +the contract. He was +assured, however, by Lord +<span class="sc">Crawford</span> that tenders for a new contract +would shortly be invited and that, +whoever secured it, the efficiency of the +service would be maintained.</p> + +<p>It was nearly eight o'clock before +the Ministry of Mines came on. Lord +<span class="sc">Salisbury</span> thought it would be improper +to consider so important a +measure after dinner; Lord <span class="sc">Crawford</span> +thought it would be still more improper +to suggest that the Peers would not be +in a condition to transact business after +that meal. He carried his point, but +at the expense of the Bill, for Lord +<span class="sc">Salisbury</span>, returning like a giant refreshed, +induced their Lordships to +transform the Minister of Mines into +a mere Under-Secretary of the Board +of Trade, thus defeating, according to +Lord <span class="sc">Peel</span>, the principal purpose of the +measure.</p> + +<p>It was another day of rather small +beer in the Commons. There were, +however, one or two <i>dicta</i> of note. +Thus Sir <span class="sc">Bertram Falk</span>, who was concerned +because Naval officers received +no special marriage allowance, was specifically +assured by Sir <span class="sc">James Craig</span> +that the Admiralty will not prevent +men from marrying. I understood, +however, that it will not recognise a +wife in every port.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, August 5th.</i>—With lofty +disregard of a hundred-and-twenty +years of history the Duke of <span class="sc">Northumberland</span> +informed the Peers that +the present state of Ireland was due to +Bolshevism. Having diagnosed the +disease so clearly he ought to have been +ready with a remedy, but could suggest +nothing more practical than the holding +of mass meetings to organise British +public opinion.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the Commons were engaged +in rushing through with the aid +of the "guillotine" a Bill for the restoration +of order in the distressful +country. Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, usually so +accurate, fell into an ancient trap, and +declared that the Sinn Fein leaders had +"raised a <i>Frankenstein</i> that they cannot +control."</p> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</span> made as good +a defence of the Bill as was possible in +the circumstances. But neither he nor +anybody else could say how courts-martial, +which are "to act on the +ordinary rules of evidence," will be successful +in bringing criminals to justice +if witnesses refuse to come forward.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> re-delivered the +anti-coercion speech which he has been +making off and on for the last forty +years. Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> was a little more +up-to-date, for he introduced a reference +to the Belfast riots and drew from the +<span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span> an assurance +that the Bill would be as +applicable to Ulster as to the +rest of Ireland.</p> + +<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> denounced the +Bill with unusual animation, +and was sure that it would do +more harm than good. Cromwellian +treatment needed a +<span class="sc">Cromwell</span>, but he did not see +one on the Treasury Bench. +"<span class="sc">Cromwell</span> yourself!" retorted +the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>. +The only unofficial supporter +of the Bill, and even he "no +great admirer," was Lord +<span class="sc">Hugh Cecil</span>; but nevertheless +the Second Reading was +carried by 289 to 71.</p> + +<p>The House afterwards gave +a Second Reading to the Census +(Ireland) Bill, on the principle, +as Captain <span class="sc">Elliott</span> caustically +observed, that if you +can't do anything with the +people of Ireland you might +at least find out how many +of them there are.</p> + +<p><i>Friday, August 6th.</i>—The +remaining stages of the Coercion +Bill were passed under +the "guillotine." Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> +declared that this was not +"cricket," and refused to play +any longer; but it is only fair +to say that he had not then +seen our artist's picture.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 380px;"> +<a href="images/114.png"><img src="images/114-352.png" width="352" height="450" alt="... but when I looked at the blessed book I found it was last year's." /></a> +<p>"<span class="sc">An' when I told 'im in the orfice that me money +wasn't right, he says, ''Ere 's a ready reckoner—work +it out yerself;' an' believe me or believe me not, but +when I looked at the blessed book I found it was +last year's.</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"At this stage the Chairman withdrew complaining +of a head-ache without nominating +a successor, darkness set in and there were +no lights. Along with the Chairman some +forty people also left in a body. What happened +afterwards is not clear."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Indian Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We don't wonder the reporter was +baffled.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>.<br /> —<i>Re</i> the authorship +of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> plays, may I +quote from <i>Twelfth Night</i>, Act I., +Scene V.? Thank you.</p> + + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white</p> +<p>Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on."</p> + </div> </div> + + +<p>This is unquestionably bacon.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;"> +<a href="images/115.png"><img src="images/115-600.png" width="600" height="393" alt="We plough the fields and scatter ..." /></a> +<p><i>The Vicar</i> (<i>in a gallant attempt to cover his +opponent's eloquence</i>) <i>sings</i>. "<span class="sc">We plough the fields and +scatter</span>—"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ROAD CONDITIONS FOR CHARABANCS.</h3> + +<p>The following road information is +compiled from reports received by the +Charabanc Defence Association:—</p> + +<p>The Lushborough road is good and +free from obstruction as far as Great +Boundingley, but from Chatback to +Wrothley the conditions are unfavourable. +The bridge one mile south of the +former place has been occupied by a +strong force of unfriendly natives, and +several cases of tarring have been reported. +There is, however, an alternative +route <i>viâ</i> Boozeley, but great +caution is advised in passing through +Wrothley, passengers being recommended +to provide themselves with a +good supply of loose metal before entering +the village, where most of the houses +are protected with iron shutters. Helmets +should not be removed before +reaching Cadbridge, where there is no +danger of retaliation.</p> + +<p>Bottles may be discharged freely all +along the Muckley road as far as Ruddiham, +but caution is needed at Bashfield +Corner, from which a small band +of snipers has not yet been dislodged, +though their ammunition is running +short. Passengers should be prepared +to use all the resources of their vocabulary +at Bargingham, where the inhabitants +enjoy a well-deserved repute for +their command of picturesque invective. +It would be humiliating to the whole +charabanc confraternity if they were to +yield their pre-eminence in this branch +of education to a small rural community.</p> + +<p>Thanks to the vigilance of the well-armed +patrols of the Charabanc Defence +Association the main roads in East +Anglia are almost clear of the enemy. +Caution must still be observed in passing +through Garningham at night. One +of the hardiest "charabankers" was +recently prostrated in that village by a +well-aimed epithet from the oldest inhabitant. +A writer in a Norwich paper +recently described the area within ten +miles of Whelksham as "a paradise for +baboon-faced Yahooligans." But these +futile ebullitions of malice are powerless +to check the triumphal progress of the +charabanc in the Eastern Counties.</p> + +<p>But no route at present offers more +favourable or exhilarating opportunities +to the high-minded excursionist than +the main Gath road from Scrapston to +Kinlarry. Excellent sport is afforded +just outside Stillminster, where Sir John +Goodfellow's greenhouses are within +easy bottle-throw of the road and furnish +a splendid target. On the whole, +however, it is thought advisable to +abstain from saluting the neighbouring +hospital for shell-shock patients with +a salvo of megaphones, local opinion +being adverse to such manifestations.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>The Ealing trains run frequently,</p> +<p class="i2">The Ealing trains run fast;</p> +<p>I stand at Gloucester Road and see</p> +<p class="i2">A many hurtling past;</p> +<p>They go to Acton, Turnham Green,</p> +<p>And stations I have never seen,</p> +<p>Simply because my lot has been</p> +<p class="i2">In other places cast.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>The folk on Ealing trains who ride</p> +<p class="i2">They, pitying, bestow</p> +<p>On me a look instinct with pride;</p> +<p class="i2">But I would have them know</p> +<p>That, while on Wimbledonian plains</p> +<p>My humble domicile remains,</p> +<p><span class="sc">I have no use for Ealing trains</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">Though still they come and go.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<p>Conversation of the moment in a +City restaurant:—</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Regular Customer</span> (<i>looking down +menu</i>). "Waiter, why is cottage pie +never on now?"</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Waiter</span>. "Well, Sir, since this 'ere +shortage of 'ouses we ain't allowed to +make 'em any more."</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page116" id="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span> + + +<h3>THE REVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>Written after reading Mr. Francis W. +<span class="sc1">Galpin's</span> "Old English Instruments +of Music</i>.")</h4> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>I am no skilful vocalist;</p> +<p class="i2">I can't control my <i>mezza gola;</i></p> +<p>I have but an indifferent fist</p> +<p class="i2">(Or foot) upon the Pianola.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But there are instruments, I own,</p> +<p class="i2">That fire me with a fond ambition</p> +<p>To master for their names alone</p> +<p class="i2">Apart from their august tradition.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>They are the Fipple-Flute, a word</p> +<p class="i2">Suggestive of seraphic screeches;</p> +<p>The Poliphant comes next, and third</p> +<p class="i2">The Humstrum—aren't they perfect peaches?</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>About their tone I cannot say</p> +<p class="i2">Much that would carry clear conviction,</p> +<p>For, till I read of them to-day,</p> +<p class="i2">I knew them not in fact or fiction.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>As yet I am, alas! without</p> +<p class="i2">Instruction in the art of fippling,</p> +<p>Though something may be found about</p> +<p class="i2">It in the works of <span class="sc">Lear</span> or <span class="sc">Kipling</span>.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>And possibly I may unearth</p> +<p class="i2">In <span class="sc">Lecky</span> or in <span class="sc">Laurence Oliphant</span></p> +<p>Some facts to remedy my dearth</p> +<p class="i2">Of knowledge bearing on the Poliphant.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>But, now their pictures I have seen</p> +<p class="i2">In <span class="sc">Galpin's</span> learned dissertation,</p> +<p>So far as in me lies I mean</p> +<p class="i2">To bring about their restoration.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>Yet since I cannot learn all three</p> +<p class="i2">And time is ever onward humming,</p> +<p>My few remaining years shall be</p> +<p class="i2">Devoted wholly to humstrumming.</p> + </div><div class="stanza"> +<p>That, when my bones to rest are laid,</p> +<p class="i2">Upon my tomb it may be written:</p> +<p>"He was the very last who played</p> +<p class="i2">Upon the Humstrum in Great Britain."</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + + +<h3>THE SPIDER.</h3> + +<p>Lately we had occasion to consider +the place of the grasshopper in modern +politics. Now let us consider the place +of the spider in our social life.</p> + +<p>It seems to me that the spider is the +most accomplished and in some ways +the most sensible insect we have in +these parts. In my opinion a great deal +too much fuss has been made about the +bee. She is a knowing little thing, but +the spider is her superior in many ways. +Yet no one seems to write books or educational +rhymes about the spider. It +is really a striking example of the well-known +hypocrisy and materialism of +the British race. The bee is held up to +the young as a model of industry and domestic +virtue—and why? Simply because +she manufactures food which we +happen to like. The spider is held up +to the young as the type of rapacity, +malice and cruelty, on the sole ground +that he catches flies, though we do not +pretend that we are fond of flies, and +conveniently ignore the fact that, if the +spider did not swat that fly, we should +probably swat it ourselves.</p> + +<p>The real charge against the spider is +that he doesn't make any food for us. +As for the virtue and nobility of the bee, +I don't see it. The only way in which +she is able to accumulate all that honey +at all is by massacring the unfortunate +males by the thousand as soon as she +conveniently can, a piece of Prussianism +which may be justified on purely material +grounds, but is scarcely consistent +with her high reputation for morality +and lovingkindness. If it could be shown +that the bee consciously collected all +that honey with the idea that we should +annex it there might be something to +be said for her on moral grounds; but +nobody pretends that. Now look at the +spider. We are told that as a commercial +product spider-silk has been found +to be equal if not superior to the best +silk spun by the Lepidopterous larvæ, +with whom, of course, you are familiar. +"But the cannibalistic propensities of +spiders, making it impossible to keep +more than one in a single receptacle ... have +hitherto prevented the silk being +used ... for textile fabrics." So that +it comes to this: if spiders are useless +because they eat each other, the bees +do much the same thing (only wholesale), +but it makes them commercially +useful. The bee therefore we place upon +a pinnacle of respectability, but the +spider we despise. Faugh! the hypocrisy +of it makes me sick. My children +will be taught to venerate the spider +and despise the bee.</p> + +<p>For, putting aside the question of +moral values, look what the spider can +do. What is there in the clammy, +not to say messy, honey-comb to be +compared with the delicate fabric of +the spider's web? Indeed, should we +ever have given a single thought to +the honey-comb if it had had no honey +in it? Do we become lyrical about +the wasp's comb? We do not. It is a +case where greed and materialism have +warped our artistic perceptions. The +spider can lower itself from the drawing-room +ceiling to the floor by a silken +thread produced out of itself. Still +more marvellous, he can climb up the +same thread to the ceiling when he is +bored, winding up the thread inside +him as he goes, and so making pursuit +impossible. What can the bee do to +equal that? And how is it done? We +don't even know. <i>The Encyclopædia +Britannica</i> doesn't know; or if it does +it doesn't let on. But the whole tedious +routine of the bee's domestic pottering +day is an open book to us. Ask +yourself, which would you rather do, +be able to collect honey and put it in a +suitable receptacle, or be able to let +yourself down from the top floor to the +basement by a silken rope produced out +of your tummy, and then climb up it +again when you want to go upstairs, +just winding up the rope inside you? +I think you will agree that the spider +has it. It is hard enough, goodness +knows, to wind up an ordinary ball of +string so that it will go into the string-box +properly. What one would do if +one had to put it in one's bread-box I +can't think. When my children grow +up, instead of learning</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>"How doth the little busy bee ..."</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>they will learn—</p> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>How doth the jolly little spider</p> +<p>Wind up such miles of silk inside her,</p> +<p>When it is clear that spiders' tummies</p> +<p>Are not so big as mine or Mummy's?</p> +<p>The explanation seems to be,</p> +<p>They do not eat so much as me.</p> + </div> </div> + +<p>That will point the moral of moderation +in eating, you see. There will be a lot +more verses, I expect; I can see <i>cram</i> +and <i>diaphragm</i> and possibly <i>jam</i> coming +very soon. But we must get on.</p> + +<p>The spider is like the bee in this +respect, that the male seems to have a +most rotten time. For one thing he is +nearly always about two sizes smaller +than the female. Owing to that and +to what <i>The Encyclopædia Britannica</i> +humorously describes as "the greater +voracity" of the female (there is a lot of +quiet fun in <i>The Encyclopædia Britannica</i>), +he is a very brave spider who +makes a proposal of marriage. "He +makes his advances to his mate at the +risk of his life and is not infrequently +killed and eaten by her before or after" +they are engaged ("before or after" is +good). "Fully aware of the danger he +pays his addresses with extreme caution, +frequently waiting for hours in her +vicinity before venturing to come to +close quarters. Males of the <i>Argyopidæ</i> +hang on the outskirts of the webs of the +females and signal their presence to her +by jerking the radial threads in a peculiar +manner." This is, of course, the origin +of the quaint modern custom by which +the young man rings the bell before attempting +to enter the web of his beloved +in Grosvenor Square. Contemporary +novelists have even placed on record +cases in which the male has "waited +for hours in her vicinity before venturing +to come to close quarters;" but too +much attention must not be paid to +these imaginative accounts. If I have +said enough to secure that in future a +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span> +little more kindliness and respect will +be shown to the spider in the nurseries +of this great Empire, and a little less +of it wasted on the bee, I have not +misspent my time.</p> + +<p>But I shall not be content. Can we +not go further? Can we not get a little +more of the simplicity of spider life +into this hectic world of ours? In +these latitudes the spider lives only for +a single season. "The young emerge +from the cocoon in the early spring, +grow through the summer and reach +maturity in the early autumn. <i>The +sexes then pair and perish</i> soon after +the female has constructed her cocoon." +How delicious! No winter; no +bother about coal; no worry about the +children's education; just one glorious +summer of sport, one wild summer of fly-catching +and midge-eating, a romantic, +not to say dangerous wooing, a quiet +wedding in the autumn, dump the family +in some nice unfurnished cocoon—and +perish. Is there nothing to be said for +that? How different from the miserable +bee, which just goes on and on, +worrying about posterity, working and +working, fussing about....</p> + +<p>Yet all our lives are modelled on the +bee's.</p> + +<p class="author">A. P. H.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/117.png"><img src="images/117-600.png" width="600" height="398" alt="" /></a> +<p><i>Mr. Meere.</i> "<span class="sc">You'll really have to be more +careful, dear, how you speak to the cook or she'll be leaving us</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Mrs. M.</i> "<span class="sc">Perhaps I was rather severe</span>."</p> + +<p><i>Mr. M.</i> "<span class="sc">Severe! Why, anyone would have thought you were talking +to me</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>DOWN-OUR-COURT CIRCULAR.</h3> + +<p>Why should not some of the other +people, who also enjoy life, have their +movements recorded too? Like this:—</p> + +<p>During Mr. William Sikes' visit to +the Devonshire moors Mrs. Sikes will +remain in town.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. and Mrs. James Harris have +arrived in London from Southend.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Miss Levi, Miss Hirsch and Master +Isaacson are among the guests at Victoria +Park, where some highly successful +children's parties have been given.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Epping is much in favour just now, +and a large number of (public) house-parties +have been arranged. Among +those entertaining this week are Mr. +Henry Higgins, Mr. Robert Atkins and +Mr. John Smith.</p> + +<hr class="short" /> + +<p>Mr. Henry Hawkins, Mrs. Hawkins, +Mr. Henry Hawkins, junior, and Miss +Hawkins left town on August 2nd for +Hampstead Heath, for a day's riding +and shooting. A large bag of nuts was +obtained. Mr. Hawkins has not yet +returned.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<h4>"LITTLE PROGRESS MADE.</h4> +<h5>KING STILL DEFIANT."</h5> +<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper</i>.</p></blockquote> + + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>Oh, dear! Another complication!</p> +<p>Who is the monarch? Which the nation?</p> +<p>We breathe again. The Leicester pro.</p> +<p>Kept up his end four hours or so.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<blockquote><p> +"Another of the big round landlords of +London is selling his estate.</p> + +<p>Sir Joseph Doughty Tichborne is selling his +Doughty Estate of 14 acres."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Evening Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It recalls the famous case. "The +Claimant" would certainly have made +"a big round landlord."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Here then is a new development of serious +local journalism. Just an unpretentious but +exceedingly well-printed village sheet, breathing +local atmosphere, emitting nothing that +can possibly interest the natives." +</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Local Paper</i>.</p></blockquote> + +<p>But we seem to have seen journals like +this before.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From a Dutch bulb-grower's catalogue:—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"Nothing but Inferior quality being sent +out from my Nurseries. My terms are Cash +with order only." +</p></blockquote> + +<p>In matters of commerce this Dutchman +appears to be maintaining his country's +reputation.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span> + + +<h3>THE ANNIVERSARY.</h3> + +<p>It began as quite an ordinary day. +I read my paper at breakfast and +Kathleen poured out the coffee. She +wore that little frown between her eyebrows +that means that she is thinking +out the menu for lunch and dinner and +hoping that Nurse hasn't burnt Baby's +porridge again. This is married life.</p> + +<p>Then I started in a hurry for the +office, hurling a "Good-bye, dear" +through the open window as I passed. +The 9.15 leaves little time for affection. +That too is married life.</p> + +<p>It was the sweetbriar hedge that +made me decide to miss the 9.15. It +clutched hold of me suddenly and told +me that the sky was very blue and the +woods very green, and that the office +was an absurd thing on such a day.</p> + +<p>I went slowly back home round the +outside of the garden wall. Someone +was singing in the garden. I stopped +and whistled a tune. A face appeared +over the wall—rather an attractive +face.</p> + +<p>"Hello!" it said; "someone I knew +a long time ago used to whistle that +tune outside my garden."</p> + +<p>"Hello!" I said; "come out for a +walk?"</p> + +<p>"I can't come out at the bidding of +young men on the highway. It isn't +done."</p> + +<p>"Never mind. Come out."</p> + +<p>"Have I ever been introduced to +you?"</p> + +<p>"Introductions went out years ago. +Come by the side gate."</p> + +<p>She came. She held a shady hat in +her hand and walked on tip-toe.</p> + +<p>"Sh!" she cautioned; "no one must +see me. I have a reputation, you know. +I don't want the Vicar to denounce me +from the pulpit on Sunday in front of +Baby."</p> + +<p>"I will be quite frank with you," +she went on, holding out her left hand +with a dramatic flourish; "I am married—I +have a husband."</p> + +<p>I gave a hollow groan; then, with a +manly effort, I mastered my emotion.</p> + +<p>"I hope he's nice to you," I said.</p> + +<p>"No, he isn't. He grouches off to +the office in the morning and grouches +back in the evening and reads newspapers. +He's just grouched off now."</p> + +<p>"The callous brute!" I hissed through +my teeth.</p> + +<p>"There's worse than that," she said +darkly.</p> + +<p>"No!"</p> + +<p>"Yes. To-day, to-day is an anniversary, +and he forgot it." The manner +was that of <span class="sc">Madame Bernhardt</span>.</p> + +<p>"Anniversaries," I said reassuringly, +"are difficult to remember. They accumulate +so."</p> + +<p>"Are you defending him?" she protested.</p> + +<p>"Er—no," I said hastily. "The +man's an unmitigated scoundrel. He +ought to be divorced or something. +What anniversary was it?"</p> + +<p>"Our wedding-day," she said with a +sob in the voice.</p> + +<p>"Heavens!" I said. "Oh, the dastardly +ruffian!"</p> + +<p>"<i>You</i> wouldn't forget your wedding-day, +would you?"</p> + +<p>"<i>Never!</i>" I said hoarsely.</p> + +<p>"You're quite rather nice," she +sighed.</p> + +<p>"You're adorable," I said readily.</p> + +<p>"How lovely! My husband never +says things like that." And she leant +against my shoulder.</p> + +<p>We got on rather well after that. +We had lunch in an inn garden, where +you could smell lavender and sweet +peas and roses and where there were +box hedges turned under magical spells +into giant birds. We discovered a +stream in a wood with hart's-tongue +fern growing along its banks. I picked +her armfuls of wild roses.</p> + +<p>"It's to make up," I said, "because +your brute of a husband forgot your +wedding-day."</p> + +<p>"I'd love to be married to you," she +said brazenly.</p> + +<p>I turned aside to brush away a bitter +tear.</p> + +<p>It was almost dusk when we got back +to the side gate.</p> + +<p>"Good-bye," she whispered. "Go +away quickly; I believe that's the +Vicar coming down the road."</p> + +<p>Then she shut the gate with gentle +swiftness in my face. I walked round +to the front door. She was in the hall.</p> + +<p>"Hello!" she said; "I hope you had +a good day at the office?"</p> + +<p>"Thanks," I said; "pretty rotten."</p> + +<p>"I've had a lovely day," she said; +"I picked up such a nice young man +in the high road. He's taking me out +to-night. He's just going to ring up +for seats."</p> + +<p>Without a word I went to the telephone.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Right Order of Things at Last.</h4> +<blockquote> +<p>"A Gentleman would be pleased to Recommend +his Butler in whose service he has been +three years."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p> +</blockquote> +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">To Americans in London</span>.—The ——, +Cornwall, offers you comfortable home while +on this side; far away from the madding +crown."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Republican prejudices respected.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="poem"> <div class="stanza"> +<p>There was a hard-swearing old sailor</p> +<p>Whose speech might have startled a jailer;</p> +<p class="i2">But he frankly avowed</p> +<p class="i2">That the charabanc crowd</p> +<p>Would not be allowed on a whaler.</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE PATIENTS' LIBRARY.</h3> + +<p>Though a West-End physician of +repute, he must, I think, have had a +course of American training, if rapidity +of action be any indication thereof.</p> + +<p>Scarcely had the maid ushered me +into his study and I had taken a seat +than he came forward brusquely, looked +at me with the glowering eye of the +<i>Second Murderer</i>, grasped a large piece +of me in the region of the fourth rib +and barked, "You're too fat."</p> + +<p>Having been carefully bred I refrained +from retaliation. I did not tell +him that his legs were out of drawing +and that he had a frightfully vicious +nose. But before I had time to explain +my business he had started on a series +of explosive directions: "Eat proper +food. Plenty of open air. Exercise morning, +noon and night and in between. +Use the Muldow system. You need a +tonic."</p> + +<p>He turned to his table and was, I +suppose, about to draw a cheque for +me on the local chemist's when I decided +to say my little piece.</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, Sir," said I mildly, "I +am not a patient."</p> + +<p>The combination fountain-pen and +thermometer almost fell from his hand.</p> + +<p>"I am," said I, "the sole proprietor +and sole representative of the Physicians' +Supply Association. I gave your +maid my card. I have called with a +thrilling offer of magazines for your +waiting-room."</p> + +<p>"What dates?" said he, a gleam of +interest in his dark eye.</p> + +<p>"All pre-war," said I proudly; "none +of them are later than 1900 and some +go back to 1880."</p> + +<p>"Not <span class="sc">b.c.</span>?" said he, with a look in +which hope and disbelief were mingled.</p> + +<p>"No," said I. "All are <span class="sc">a.d.</span>; but +they include two Reports of Missions +to Deep Sea Fishermen in 1885—very +rare. I'm sure they would match +splendidly the Proceedings of the Royal +Commission on Aniline Dyes which you +have in the waiting-room."</p> + +<p>"No," said he firmly. "I have one +of the most important practices in +Harley Street. I likewise possess one +of the finest collections of old magazines +in the profession. That blue-book on +Aniline Dyes is barely fifty years old. +It was left me by my father, and I +retain it simply through affection for +him in spite of its modernity. But +the rest go back to the Crimean vintage +and earlier. When you have something +really old, come to me. But"—and +he threw in a winning smile in his +best bedside manner—"not till then."</p> + +<p>I am now in search of a young +practitioner who is merely starting a +collection.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/119.png"><img src="images/119-600.png" width="600" height="431" alt="How can you tell what century he is, Mother? He's got no clothes on." /></a> +<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>.—<i>A Flower Show: Garden Ornament Section</i>.</p> +<p><i>Mother</i>. "<span class="sc">I don't care for that little figure. He's too +eighteenth-century for my taste</span>."</p> +<p><i>Critical Little Girl</i> (<i>who has lately taken part in +tableaux-vivants</i>). "<span class="sc">How can you tell what century he is, Mother? +He's got no clothes on</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4> + +<p>If sorrow's crown of sorrow is as the poet says, it should +be equally true that there is enough satisfaction in remembering +unhappier things to ensure success for <i>The Crisis +of the Naval War</i> (<span class="sc">Cassell</span>), the large and dignified volume +in which Admiral of the Fleet Viscount <span class="sc">Jellicoe of Scapa</span>, +G.C.B., O.M., G.C.V.O., reminds us how near the German +submarines came to triumph in 1917, and details the various +ways by which their menace was overcome. It is a solid +book, written with authority, and addressed rather to the +expert than to the casual reader; but even the latter individual +(the middle-aged home-worker, for instance, remembering +the rationed plate of beans and rice that constituted +his lunch in the Spring of 1917) can thrill now to read of the +precautions this represented, and the multiform activities +that kept that distasteful dish just sufficiently replenished. +I have observed that Viscount <span class="sc">Jellicoe</span> avoids any approach +to sensationalism. His book however contains a number +of exceedingly interesting photographs of convoys at sea, +smoke-screens, depth-charges exploding, and the like, which +the most uninformed can appreciate. And in at least one +feature of "counter-measures," the history of the decoy or +mystery ships, the record is of such exalted and amazing +heroism that not the strictest language of officialdom can +lessen its power to stir the heart. Who, for example, could +read the story of <i>The Prize</i>, and the involuntary tribute +from the captured German commander that rounds it off, +without a glow of gratitude and pride? Do you recall how +we would attempt to stifle curiosity with the unsatisfactory +formula, "We shall know some day"? Here in this authoritative +volume is another corner of the curtain lifted.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Although he is still comparatively a newcomer, a book +with the signature of Mr. <span class="sc">Joseph Hergesheimer</span> is already +something of a landmark in the publishing season. To this +repute <i>Linda Condon</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) will certainly add. In +many ways I incline to think it, or parts of it, the best +work that this unusual artist has yet done. The development +of <i>Linda</i>, in the hateful surroundings of an American +"hotel-child," through her detached and observant youth +to a womanhood austere, remote, inspired only by the worship +of essential beauty, is told with an exquisite rightness +of touch that is a continual delight. Mr. <span class="sc">Hergesheimer</span> +has above all else the gift of suggesting atmosphere and +colour (ought I not in mere gratitude to bring myself to +say "color"?); his picture of <i>Linda's</i> amazing mother and +the rest of the luxurious brainless company of her hotel +existence has the exotic brilliance of the orchid-house, at +once dazzling and repulsive. Later, in the course of her +married life, inspiring and inspired by the sculptor <i>Pleydon</i> +(in whose fate the curious may perhaps trace some echo of +recent controversy), the story of <i>Linda</i> becomes inevitably +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span> +less vivid, though its grasp of the reader's sympathy is +never relaxed. In fine, a tale short as such go nowadays, +but throughout of an arresting and memorable beauty. The +state of modern American fiction has, if I may say so without +offence, been for some time a cause of regret to the +judicious; let Mr. <span class="sc">Hergesheimer</span> be resolute in refusing +to lower his standard by over-production, and I look to see +him leading a return towards the best traditions of an +honourable past.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>It is not an impossible conception that <i>Sniping in France</i> +(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) will still be available in libraries in the year +2020 <span class="sc">a.d</span>., and I can imagine the title then catching the +eye of some enthusiastic sportsman, whose bent for game +is stronger than his knowledge +of history. Feeling that here is +a new class of shooting for him +to try his hand at, he will hasten +to acquaint himself with the +details and will discover that +the first of the essentials is a +European war in full blast. +Whether or not he will see his +way to arrange that for himself, +I don't know and, since I shall +not be present, I don't care. +But in any case he will be absorbed +in an eminently scientific +and indeed romantic study of +perhaps the most thrilling and +deadly-earnest big game hunting +there has ever been, and he +will be left not a little impressed +with the work of the author, +Major H. <span class="sc">Hesketh Prichard</span>, +D.S.O., M.C., his skill, energy +and personality. As to this last +he will find a brief summing-up +in the foreword of General Lord +<span class="sc">Horne</span>, and he will be able to +visualise the whole "blunderbuss" +very clearly by the help of +the illustrations of Mr. <span class="sc">Ernest +Blaikley</span>, of the late Lieut. <span class="sc">B. +Head</span>, and of the camera. There +is undoubtedly much controversial +matter in the book, which +must necessarily give rise to the +most remarkable gun-room discussions. +I can well imagine +some stout-hearted Colonel, +prompted by his love for the +plain soldier-man and his rooted dislike of all "specialists," +becoming very heated in the small hours of the morning +about the paragraph on page 97, in which a division untrained +in the Sniping Schools is in passing compared to a +band of "careless and ignorant tourists."</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>Señor <span class="sc">Ibañez</span>' new novel, <i>Mare Nostrum</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>), +is +ostensibly a yarn about spies and submarines, its hero a +gallant Spanish captain, <i>Ulysses Ferragut</i>, scion of a long +line of sailormen. And there can be no doubt of the proper +anti-German sentiments of this stout fellow, even though +his impetuous passion for <i>Freya Talberg</i>, a Delilah in the +service of the enemy, did make him store a tiny island with +what the translator will persist in calling combustibles, +meaning, one supposes, fuel. But more fundamentally it +is an affectionate song of praise of the Mediterranean and +the dwellers on its littoral, especially the fiery and hardy +sailors of Spain, and of Spaniards, in particular the Valencians +and Catalonians. Signor <span class="sc">Ibañez</span>' method is distinctly +discursive; he gives, for instance, six-and-twenty consecutive +pages to the description of the inmates of the Naples +Aquarium and is always ready to suspend his story for a +lengthy disquisition on any subject, person or place that +interests him. This puts him peculiarly at the mercy of his +transliterator, who has a positive genius for choosing the +wrong word and depriving any comment of its subtlety, +any well-made phrase of its distinction. Even plain +narrative such as the following is none too attractive:—"The +voluminous documents would become covered with +dust on his table and Don Esteban would have to saddle +himself with the dates in order that the end of the legal +procedures should not slip by." +What ingenuous person authorises +this sort of "authorised +translation"?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>If I may say so without +offence, Mr. <span class="sc">Edgar Rice Burroughs</span> +reminds me a little of +those billiard experts who, having +evolved a particular stroke, +will continue it indefinitely, to +the joy of the faithful and the exasperated +boredom of the others. +To explain my metaphor, I +gather that Mr. <span class="sc">Burroughs</span>, +having "got set," to an incredible +number of thousands, with +an invention called <i>Tarzan</i>, is +now by way of beating his own +record over the adventures of +<i>John Carter</i> in the red planet +Mars. Concerning these amazing +volumes there is just this to +say, that either you can read +them with avidity or you can't +read them at all. From certain +casual observations I conceive +the test to be primarily one of +youth, for honesty compels my +middle-age to admit a personal +failure. I saw the idea; for one +thing no egg was ever a quarter +so full of meat as the Martian +existence of incomprehensible +thrills, to heighten the effect of +which Mr. <span class="sc">Burroughs</span> has invented +what amounts to a new +language, with a glossary of its +own, thus appealing to a well-known instinct of boyhood, +but rendering the whole business of a more than Meredithian +obscurity to the uninitiate. I have hitherto forgotten +to say that the particular volume before me is called +<i>The War Lord of Mars</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>). I may add that it +closes with the heroic <i>Carter</i> hailed as Jeddak of Jeddaks, +which sounds eminently satisfactory, though without conveying +any definite promise of finality.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a href="images/120.png"><img src="images/120-330.png" width="330" height="450" alt="Courage, sweet lady! You are practically saved." /></a> +<p><i>The Knight.</i> "<span class="sc">Let's see. We have already overcome +the chief jailer and his ten assistants, and +slain the fearsome hound which guarded the courtyard. +We have now to destroy the one-eyed giant +and the bean-fed dragon, scale the outer wall, swim +the moat and then to horse. Courage, sweet lady! +You are practically saved</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + + + +<hr /> + +<h4>Do Poultry Pay?</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Six Hens for sale, some laying 7s. each."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>You will find three of them as good as a guinea-fowl.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"But the germ of Socialism or BZolshevism—however you like to +call it—has hardly entered the Polish working-class blood."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>We fear, however, that it has got into our contemporary's +composing-room.</p> + +<hr /><br /><br /><br /><br /> + +<table align="center" summary="note"> +<tr> + <td class="note"> +<h5>Transcriber's Note:</h5> + +<p>Page 116 corrected old typo: changed "Encylopædia" to "Encyclopædia".</p> + +</td> +</tr> +</table><br /><br /><br /><br /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, August 11, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 19151-h.htm or 19151-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/1/5/19151/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> + + + diff --git a/19151-h/images/101-600.png b/19151-h/images/101-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ac0b7b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/101-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/101.png b/19151-h/images/101.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..20af046 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/101.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/103-600.png b/19151-h/images/103-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b9bebf2 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/103-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/103.png b/19151-h/images/103.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..4fdd3db --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/103.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/104-600.png b/19151-h/images/104-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..302f1e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/104-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/104.png b/19151-h/images/104.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..030c6b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/104.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/105-415.png b/19151-h/images/105-415.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7f158f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/105-415.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/105.png b/19151-h/images/105.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ad2c51 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/105.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/107-1-600.png b/19151-h/images/107-1-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ef60a1c --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/107-1-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/107-2-600.png b/19151-h/images/107-2-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bab62d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/107-2-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/107-3-362.png b/19151-h/images/107-3-362.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a3c9561 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/107-3-362.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/107-4-219.png b/19151-h/images/107-4-219.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0592dd0 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/107-4-219.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/107-5-600.png b/19151-h/images/107-5-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5ec023f --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/107-5-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/107.png b/19151-h/images/107.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..dd5b921 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/107.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/109-600.png b/19151-h/images/109-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d88a666 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/109-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/109.png b/19151-h/images/109.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c2ce167 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/109.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/110-600.png b/19151-h/images/110-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f2a6e43 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/110-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/110.png b/19151-h/images/110.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..958d709 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/110.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/111-368.png b/19151-h/images/111-368.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9ca409d --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/111-368.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/111.png b/19151-h/images/111.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..70c3fa2 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/111.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/113-600.png b/19151-h/images/113-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b4c2ffc --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/113-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/113.png b/19151-h/images/113.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d6b3f07 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/113.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/114-352.png b/19151-h/images/114-352.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f32e673 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/114-352.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/114.png b/19151-h/images/114.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..19f76a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/114.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/115-600.png b/19151-h/images/115-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..599b9f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/115-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/115.png b/19151-h/images/115.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..046af82 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/115.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/117-600.png b/19151-h/images/117-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d3c2995 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/117-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/117.png b/19151-h/images/117.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8ace3e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/117.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/119-600.png b/19151-h/images/119-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..b34cd61 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/119-600.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/119.png b/19151-h/images/119.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7008af0 --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/119.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/120-330.png b/19151-h/images/120-330.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..8467e2b --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/120-330.png diff --git a/19151-h/images/120.png b/19151-h/images/120.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c7c8c6c --- /dev/null +++ b/19151-h/images/120.png |
