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+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, August 11, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2006 [EBook #19151]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 11th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+"We doubt," says a contemporary, "if the Government has effected much
+by refusing to let Dr. MANNIX land on Irish shores." We agree. What
+is most wanted at the moment is that the Government should land on
+Ireland.
+
+       * * *
+
+We feel that the time is now ripe for somebody to pop up with the
+suggestion that the wet summer has been caused by the shooting in
+Belfast.
+
+       * * *
+
+Manchester City Council has decided to purchase the famous Free Trade
+Hall for the sum of ninety thousand pounds. A thorough search for
+the Sacred Principles of Liberalism, which are said to be concealed
+somewhere in the basement, will be undertaken as soon as the property
+changes hands.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is no truth in the report that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, after listening
+to the grand howl of the Wolf Cubs at Olympia, declared that it was a
+very tame affair for anyone used to listening to Mr. DEVLIN.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Kangaroos and wallabies," says a Colonial journalist, "are about the
+only things that the Australian sportsman can chase." Members of the
+M.C.C. team declare that they expect to change all that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Reports that the gold had been removed from the Bank of Ireland to
+this country for the sake of safety have caused consternation in
+Dublin. There was always a possibility, the Irish say, that the Sinn
+Feiners might not lay hands on the stuff, but there isn't one chance
+in a hundred of it getting past Sir ERIC GEDDES.
+
+       * * *
+
+_À propos_ of the growing reluctance on the part of railway servants
+to take tips from holiday-makers, it appears that they are merely
+following the example set by the higher officials. We have positive
+information that only a week or so since Sir ERIC GEDDES flatly
+refused to take a tip from _The Daily Mail_.
+
+       * * *
+
+While approving in principle of the proposal that the finger-prints of
+all children should be registered, Government officials point out that
+the expense would certainly be out of all proportion to the advantage
+obtained, in view of the prevailing high prices of jam.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is just this one consolation about the weather of late. So far
+the Government have not placed a tax on rain.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Soldiers are very dissatisfied with the way in which ex-service men
+are now being treated," states a Sunday paper. We understand that, if
+this dissatisfaction should spread, Mr. CHURCHILL may call upon the
+Army to resign.
+
+       * * *
+
+After exhaustive experiments Signor MARCONI has failed to obtain
+any wireless message from Mars. Much anxiety is being felt by those
+persons having friends or mining shares there.
+
+       * * *
+
+The youngest son of Sir ERIC GEDDES is learning to play golf. It
+is hoped by this plan to keep his mind off thoughts of a political
+career.
+
+       * * *
+
+A reader living in Aberdeen informs us that the last batch of Scotch
+refugees arrived from England last Thursday in an exhausted condition.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Cats are very poor swimmers," states a writer in a weekly journal.
+This no doubt accounts for the exceptionally high infantile mortality
+among these domestic pets.
+
+       * * *
+
+Last week a wedding at Ibstock, Leicestershire, had to be postponed
+after the ceremony had already begun, owing to the failure of the
+Registrar to appear. It was not until the best man, who denied having
+mislaid the Registrar, had been thoroughly searched that the ceremony
+was abandoned.
+
+       * * *
+
+A burglar accused of stealing sixteen volumes of classical poetry was
+sentenced to a month's imprisonment. The defence that he was insane
+was evidently ignored.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Westminster magistrate, the other day, described a prisoner as "a
+very clever thief." It is said that the fellow intends printing this
+testimonial on his letter-paper.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man knocked down by a racing motorist in New York is reported to
+have had both legs and an arm fractured, several ribs broken, and
+other injuries. Motorists in this country incline to the theory that
+it was the work of an amateur.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Swiss guide recently discovered a chamois within sixty feet of the
+summit of the Jungfrau. Only on receiving the most explicit assurance
+that the Fourth Internationale would not be held at Grindelwald would
+the creature consent to resume its proper place in the landscape.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to the conductor of the Southern Syncopated Orchestra the
+modern fox-trot has been evolved from a primitive negro dance called
+"The Blues." The theory that the Blues are the logical outcome of a
+primitive negro dance called the fox-trot is thus exploded.
+
+       * * *
+
+A gentleman advertises for an island for men who are fed up with
+taxation. We can only say that Great Britain is just the very place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Laird._ "NOW, WHO ON EARTH MIGHT THOSE PEOPLE BE,
+DONALD, DRESSED LIKE TOURISTS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In some ways the American woman, it must be confessed, can give
+    we English points on good dressing."--_Evening Paper._
+
+She might now extend her beneficence and include some points on
+syntax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The clergy had to work far more than forty-eight hours per day,
+    but their pay was quite inadequate."--_Local Paper._
+
+We don't see how it would be possible to give adequate remuneration
+for such a feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+=IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY.=
+
+I was greatly pained to read, the other day, in one of our leading
+dailies a most violent and uncalled-for attack on a popular favourite.
+Perhaps I should say one who _was_ popular, for, alas, favourites have
+their day, and no doubt this attack was but to demolish the reputation
+of the setting star and enhance that of a rising one. Still it was
+unnecessarily churlish; it criticised not only the colour of her
+complexion, the exuberance of her presence, but her very name was held
+up to ridicule, the fault surely of her god-parents.
+
+There has been, not unnaturally, quite a sensation in her circle over
+this attack; Papa Gontier and Maman Cochet clasped each other's
+hands in sympathy and said, "What will people say next of _us_, a
+respectable and time-honoured old couple, if they flout pretty popular
+little Dorothy Perkins?" "Of course, if people who live in a brand-new
+red-brick villa choose to invite Dorothy into their garden, one
+can't expect her to look her best; but, after all, there's only that
+languishing Stella Gray who can stand such a trial as that, and
+perhaps the stout Frau Druschki." "She, poor thing, is quite out of
+favour just now--hardly mentioned in polite society. Quite under a
+cloud; in fact a greeting from Teplitz is the only one she gets."
+"Now William Allen Richardson (there's a ridiculous long name, if you
+like!) was saying only yesterday how grateful we should all feel to
+dear Dorothy, who never seems to mind the weather and cheers us up
+when all else fails." "I must say I don't feel quite sure of William's
+sincerity, he is so very changeable, you know, and does not _really_
+care to be seen in Dorothy's company."
+
+Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messimé was quite hanging her head about
+it all. "_I_ live in harmony with _all_ my neighbours," she simpered.
+"Ah, yes," flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing manner of hers,
+"that's very easy to do for colourless people." At this Caroline
+Testout turned quite pale and stuttered, "Well, Dorothy _does_ scream
+so." "Hush, hush, my children," said the deep voice of the venerable
+Marshal Niel. Though yellow with extreme old age the old gentleman
+bore himself proudly and his dress was glossy and clean. "We all have
+our place in the world. Let carping critics say what they please,
+whether it is Dorothy in her gay gown or Liberty in her revolutionary
+wear, our showy American cousins, our well-beloved Scotch relations,
+or our Persian guests--they are _all_ welcome, _all_ beautiful."
+"Hear, hear!" murmured the other roses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY.=
+
+PROPOSALS--CARLYLE--BISMARCK--DISRAELI--A NEW BROWNING POEM--NAPOLEON
+ON LIVING BRITISH STATESMEN.
+
+    [Readers of the vivacious but too reticent serial now appearing in
+    _The Sunday Times_ may have noticed that the narrative is now and
+    then interrupted by a row of what Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, during
+    one of his conversations with Mrs. ASQUITH and JOWETT, called (to
+    the immense delight of the MASTER OF BALLIOL) "those damned dots."
+    Mr. Punch has, at fabulous expense, acquired the right to
+    publish certain of the omitted passages, a selection of which is
+    appended.]
+
+=Many Admirers.=
+
+No sooner was I in my earliest teens and had made up my mind as to
+the best cigarettes, than proposals began to be a matter of daily
+occurrence, so that whenever I saw the fifth footman or the third
+butler stealthily approaching me I knew that he was concealing a
+_billet doux_. Sometimes they were very flattering. Here is one,
+written in the big boyish hand of a Prince of the Blood:--
+
+    My beautiful, there is no one like you. They want me to marry the
+    daughter of a royal house, but if you will say "Yes" I will defy
+    them. We will be married by the Archbishop, who marries and buries
+    so beautifully; but I shall never need burying, because those who
+    marry you never die.
+
+Poor boy, I had to send him a negative by the fifteenth groom in the
+third phaeton, drawn by a pair of dashing chestnuts which another of
+my unsuccessful adorers had given me. I noticed that when they got
+back to Grosvenor Square the chestnuts had turned to greys.
+
+
+=The Sage of Chelsea.=
+
+THOMAS CARLYLE loved to have me trotting in and out of his house in
+Cheyne Row, and we had endless talks on the desirability of silence.
+"Yon wee Meg," he used to say, for he refused to call me "Margot,"
+declaring it was a Frenchified name--"yon wee Meg is the cleverest
+girl in Scotland--and the wittiest."
+
+I remember once that RUSKIN was there too, and we had a little breeze.
+
+RUSKIN (_patronisingly_). What do you think of the paintings of
+TURNER?
+
+MARGOT. He bores me.
+
+RUSKIN (_drawing in a long breath_). Bores you?
+
+MARGOT (_with a slow smile_). He probably bores you too, only you
+daren't admit it.
+
+What would have happened I cannot imagine had not dear old CARLYLE
+offered me a draw of his pipe, while remarking laughingly, "She's a
+wonder, is Meg; she'll lead the world yet."
+
+One day he asked me what I thought of his writing.
+
+MARGOT. Too jerky and overcharged.
+
+CARLYLE (_wincing_). I must try to improve. What is your theory of
+authorship?
+
+MARGOT. I think one should assume that everything that happens to
+oneself must be interesting to others.
+
+CARLYLE (_as though staggered by a new idea_). Why?
+
+MARGOT (_simply_). Because oneself is so precious, so unique.
+
+I asked him once what he really thought of Mrs. CARLYLE, but he
+changed the subject.
+
+
+=Bismarck.=
+
+It was in Berlin, when I was seventeen, that I met BISMARCK. It was at
+the Opera, where, being a young English girl, I was in the habit of
+going alone. The great Chancellor, who was all unconscious that I had
+penetrated his identity, watched me for a long while between the Acts
+and then overtook me on my way home and in French asked me to supper.
+
+MARGOT (_also in French_). But I am not hungry.
+
+BISMARCK. In Germany you should do as the Germans do and eat always;
+(_with emphasis_) I do.
+
+MARGOT (_scathingly_). I wonder if you are aware that I am English?
+
+BISMARCK (_muttering something I could not catch about England lying
+crushed at his feet_). But you are beautiful too! Some day you will be
+a countrywoman of mine.
+
+MARGOT. How?
+
+BISMARCK. Because we shall make war on England and conquer it, and it
+will then be our own and all of you will be our people and our slaves.
+At least we should conquer it if----
+
+MARGOT. If what?
+
+BISMARCK. If it were not for a young man who will then be Prime
+Minister. It is of him we are afraid.
+
+MARGOT. What is his name?
+
+BISMARCK. ASQUITH.
+
+Could prescience further go? BISMARCK then left me with another
+ungainly effort at French: _"Au revoir, Mademoiselle."_ But we never
+met again.
+
+=Disraeli's Last Days.=
+
+I was with DISRAELI (who was one of the few men who did not propose to
+me) not long before the end, and he gave me many confidences, although
+he knew all about my friendship with GLADSTONE. But then I have always
+chosen my friends impartially from all the camps. My exact memory
+enables me to repeat my last conversation with DIZZY word for word:--
+
+MARGOT. You look tired. Shall I dance for you?
+
+(_Continued on page 104_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REAL MUSIC.
+
+JOHN BULL. "I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR THE LADY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Wife (bitterly)._ "YES, IT MAKES A NICE OUTIN' FOR
+ME, DON'T IT--SETTIN' IN THE RAIN ALL DAY GUARDIN' A TIN O' WORMS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIZZY. No, no.
+
+MARGOT _(brightly_). Let us be sensible and talk frankly about your
+approaching death. Have you any views as to your biography?
+
+DIZZY. Need there be one?
+
+MARGOT. Of course.
+
+DIZZY (_earnestly_). Would you write it? You would be so discreet.
+
+I had to refuse, but I am sure I could have made a more amusing job of
+it than MR. BUCKLE has done, in spite of the love-letters. What a pity
+they didn't entrust it to my dear EDMUND GOSSE!
+
+=A Browning Poem.=
+
+Here is a little poem that BROWNING wrote for me on hearing me say
+that when we were girls "we did not know the meaning of the word
+'fast'":--
+
+  We all of us worship our Margot,
+  She's such a determined _escargot_.
+
+=Talks with the Dead.=
+
+The great NAPOLEON had died many years before I was born; and how
+unjust it is that the lives of really interesting people should not
+coincide! But with the assistance of my beloved OLIVER LODGE I have
+had many conversations with him. Our first opened in this manner:--
+
+MARGOT. Do you take any interest in current English politics?
+
+NAPOLEON. _Oui_ (Yes).
+
+MARGOT. What do you think of LLOYD GEORGE?
+
+NAPOLEON. An opportunist on horseback.
+
+MARGOT. I love riding too. I met most of my friends in the
+hunting-field. You should have seen me cantering into the hall of our
+town mansion. Who do you think our greatest statesman?
+
+NAPOLEON. ASQUITH beyond a doubt.
+
+Both PLATO and JULIUS CÆSAR, whom my beloved OLIVER has also
+introduced to me, said the same thing.
+
+E. V. L.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+SOLOMON'S SEAL.
+
+  Oh, lordly was KING SOLOMON
+    A-stepping down so proud,
+  With his negro slaves and dancing girls
+    And all his royal crowd;
+  His peacocks and his viziers,
+    His eunuchs old and grey,
+  His gallants and his chamberlains
+    And glistening array.
+
+  Oh, blithesome was KING SOLOMON
+    That burning summer day
+  When lo! a humble shepherdess
+    Stood silent in his way;
+  Then stepped down kingly SOLOMON,
+    And proud and great stepped he,
+  And there he kissed the shepherdess--
+    Kissed one and two and three.
+
+  Then proudly turned the peasant-maid--
+    Pale as a ghost was she--
+  "For all ye are KING SOLOMON,
+    What make ye here so free?"
+  Oh, lordly laughed KING SOLOMON,
+    "Shalt be my queen," quoth he;
+  "These kisses pledged KING SOLOMON
+    And sealéd him to thee."
+
+  Then on went splendid SOLOMON
+    And all his glittering band,
+  And the wondering white peasant-girl
+    He led her by the hand;
+  But in that place sprang flower-stems
+    All green, for kingly pride,
+  With the small white kisses hanging down
+    With which he sealed his bride.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SQUATTERS.
+
+Ursula came into the study, carrying something that had once been a
+photograph, but which the ravages of time had long since reduced to a
+faded and almost indecipherable problem.
+
+"Dear," she said, "you know this portrait of Clara's boy, the one
+in the sailor suit, from my writing-table? I was looking at it just
+now----"
+
+I interrupted her (it really was one of my rushed mornings). "I've
+been looking at it any time these fifteen years," I observed bitterly,
+"watching it become every day more and more fly-blown and like nothing
+on earth. What entitles it to special notice at this moment?"
+
+"Nothing--much," said Ursula; but from the tone of her voice
+experience taught me that sentiment was only just out of sight. "I was
+wondering whether to burn it----"
+
+"Good."
+
+"And then I thought that, as he was married the other day and is quite
+likely to have a boy of his own, it would be interesting to compare
+this early portrait."
+
+"It would," I assented grimly. Perhaps disappointment had made me
+brutal. "There's almost nothing, from the Alps at midnight to
+Royalty down a coalmine, with which it would not be equally safe and
+appropriate to compare it. Only, as I gather that this involves its
+continued existence for a further indefinite period, my one request is
+that in the meantime you remove it. Shut it in the safe. Bury it. But
+don't leave it about."
+
+"Aren't you being rather excited about nothing?"
+
+"No. This is a matter of principle, and I am speaking for your own
+good. Fifteen years ago that photograph, unframed and in the first
+flush of youth, was casually deposited on your writing-table. Perhaps
+you only meant to put it out of your hand for a moment while you
+attended to something else. But you know what the result has been. It
+has remained there, gradually establishing a prescriptive right. No
+doubt it has been dusted, with the rest of the room, seven times a
+week...."
+
+"Six times," said Ursula, smiling, but blushing a little too--I was
+glad to observe that.
+
+"... and as often been replaced. Its charm for the observant visitor
+has, to put the thing mildly, long since vanished. I doubt if
+either of us would so much as see it had it not attained for me the
+fascination of an eye-sore. Yet it stays on, simply because no one has
+the initiative to take action. To put it concisely, it is a squatter."
+
+"Don't be ridiculous."
+
+"I was never more serious in my life. This speckled travesty, this
+photographic mummy, is but one example out of many. I do not know
+whether other homes resemble ours in the same tendency towards the
+mausoleum. But I strongly suspect it."
+
+"What things are there besides this?" broke out Ursula, suddenly
+defensive. "Tell me a list of them."
+
+"You forget, sweetheart, that as a professional literary man my time,
+especially in the morning, has a certain commercial value, but I will
+endeavour to do as you ask. You would of course justly repudiate any
+comparison between your own artistic setting and those Victorian
+houses wherein the 'drawing-room book' reposed always in the same
+sacred corner. Yet in the matter of derelict articles we are
+millionaires, we are beset by squatters."
+
+I could see that Ursula was impressed, though she tried to conceal
+the fact. "Professional literary men seem to be strangely under the
+dominion of one word," she began coldly.
+
+At that moment a bell tinkled.
+
+"Eliza!" cried Ursula; "and I'm not dressed." As she fluttered from
+the room I had a distinct impression that she was not sorry for an
+excuse to break off the interview.
+
+I re-settled myself at my desk, smiling a little cynically. How
+long would the lesson last? Then I happened to glance towards the
+mantelpiece, beside which Ursula had been standing. There, hastily
+propped against the clock, was that detestable photograph. It still
+quivered in the movement of release, as though shaking its shoulders,
+settling down palpably for another decade. With an uncontrollable
+impulse I leapt up, seized the abomination and, flinging it on the
+floor, ground it to powder with my heel.
+
+In one word, the anti-squatting campaign had definitely begun.
+
+A. E.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Navvy._ "WHY DON'T YER WEAR THEM BOARDS THE RIGHT WAY
+ROUND?"
+
+_Sandwichman._ "WOT! IN ME DINNER-HOUR? NOT ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some five or six million years hence, therefore, it is
+    prophesied, the earth will fall into the grip of an ice age. There
+    will descend on all living things the blight of eternal cod."
+
+    _Scotch Paper._
+
+Although the danger is not immediate it deserves the serious
+consideration of the FOOD CONTROLLER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+=SQUISH.=
+
+_(Being some notes on a bye-path in politics.)_
+
+
+The Board of Agriculture has been biding its time. In the fierce light
+of publicity which has been beating of late upon Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Sir ERIC GEDDES the attempt of this rustic
+Ministry to assert itself has passed almost unnoticed. Our gaze has
+been fixed upon the London railway termini, upon Warsaw and upon
+Belfast; we have been neglecting Campden (Glos.). Yet in that town, I
+read, "the Ministry of Agriculture has completed arrangements for a
+commercial course in the State Fruit and Vegetable College to instruct
+students in the manufacture of preserved fruit products."
+
+I have considered the last part of the sentence quoted above very
+carefully in the light of the Rules and Regulations governing
+procedure in State Departments, Magna Carta, the Habeas Corpus Act and
+the Constitutions of Clarendon, and have come to the conclusion that
+it means "making jam." I am very sure, as the PRIME MINISTER would
+say, that things are about to happen in preserved fruit products;
+things will become very much worse and very much sterner in jam. And
+if in jam why then also in jelly and in marmalade. Even at this moment
+in the offices of the Board of Agriculture there are a number of
+clerks, I suppose, sitting with schedules in front of them, something
+like this:--
+
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |     |
+|            |candidates|candidates|candidates|candidates|candidates|     |
+|            |in        |awaiting  |fully     |trained   |full, but |Total|
+|            |training  |training  |trained   |but not   |not       |     |
+|            |in        |in        |          |full      |trained   |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|1. Jam      |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|2. Jelly    |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|3. Marmalade|          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|   Total    |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+
+The perfect beauty of schedules framed upon this model is only to be
+apprehended by those who realise that when they are filled in and
+added up correctly the figure at the base of the vertical "Total"
+column on the right is identical with the figure on the right of the
+horizontal "Total" column at the base. It is the haunting magic of
+this fact that gives to Government clerks the wistful far-away look
+which they habitually wear.
+
+It is not a good schedule this, of course--not a complete, not an
+exhaustive one. After a month or so it will be discovered with a
+cry of astonishment that no record has been kept of the number of
+candidates who are being trained in jam or jelly (combined) but not in
+marmalade, in jelly and marmalade (combined) but not in jam, and in
+jam and marmalade (combined) but not in jelly. And so a new and a
+greater schedule will have to be compiled. But even after that for
+a long time no one will notice that nothing has been said about the
+number of candidates who are being trained in jam and jelly and
+marmalade all combined and mashed up together, as they are at a picnic
+on the sands.
+
+Of the many debatable issues raised by this new Government project, in
+so far as it affects the spheres of jelly and jam, I do not propose to
+speak now; I prefer to confine my attention for the moment to the fruit
+product which touches most nearly the home breakfast-table--namely,
+marmalade.
+
+There are three schools of thought in marmalade. There are those who
+like the dark and very runny kind with large segments or wedges of
+peel. There are those who prefer a clear and jellified substance with
+tiny fragments of peel enshrined in it as the fly is enshrined in
+amber. And there are some, I suppose, who favour a kind of glutinous
+yellow composition, neither reactionary nor progressive, but something
+betwixt and between. There can be very little doubt which kind of
+marmalade the State Marmalade School will produce.
+
+And then, mark you, one fine day the President of the Board of
+Agriculture will turn round and issue a _communiqué_ to the Press like
+this:--
+
+"Preferential treatment in the supply of sugar for the purpose of
+conducting the processes of manufacture of fruit products will
+henceforward be given to those who possess the Campden diploma for
+proficiency in the conduct of the above-named processes."
+
+And where is your freedom then? Cooks and housewives will be condemned
+either to make State marmalade or to make no marmalade at all.
+Personally I am inclined to think that the President of the Board of
+Agriculture will go further than this. I think that encouragement will
+be given to those who take the State Marmalade course to follow it up
+with a subsidiary or finishing course of wasp treatment.
+
+And in wasp treatment also there are three schools. There is what is
+called the CHURCHILL school, which hits out right and left with an
+infuriated spoon. Then there is the MONTAGU school, which takes no
+provocative action, but sits still and says, "They won't sting you if
+you don't irritate them;" it says this especially when they are flying
+round somebody else's head. And lastly there is the Medium school,
+which, choosing the moment when the wasp is busily engaged, presses it
+down gently and firmly into the marmalade, so that the last spoonfuls
+of the dish are not so much a fruit product as a kind of entomological
+preserve. The last way, I think, will be the State way of dealing with
+wasps, and a reward will probably be offered for the stings of all
+wasps embalmed on Coalition lines.
+
+The electorate has stuck to the Government through the Peace Treaty,
+through Mesopotamia, through Ireland and through coal. Can it stick to
+them, is what I ask, through marmalade?
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+_MENS CONSCIA MALI._
+
+  The lightning flashed and flickered, roared the thunder,
+    Down came the rain, and in the usual way
+  Pavilionward we sped to sit and wonder
+          Was this the end of play.
+
+  In scattered groups my comrades talked together,
+    Their disappointment faded bit by bit,
+  So soothing can it be to tell the weather
+          Just what you think of it.
+
+  But I--I sat aloof as one distressed by
+    A painful tendency to droop and wilt;
+  Though none suspected it, I was oppressed by
+          A conscience charged with guilt.
+
+  I watched the pitch become a sodden pulp, a
+    Morass, a sponge, a lake, a running stream,
+  What time a sad repentant _Mea culpa_
+          Was all my musing's theme.
+
+  Mine was the cricket sin too hard to pardon
+    In one whose age should carry greater sense;
+  On Friday night I'd watered all the garden,
+          Thus tempting Providence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Mr. ---- asserted that the Russian people would be permitted
+'untrammelled to pork out their own salvation.'"--_Canadian Paper._
+And why not the Irish people too?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN WHO WOULD GET TO THE SEASIDE.
+TRAINS FULL.
+CHARABANKS FULL.
+AEROPLANES FULL.
+THE LAST RESOURCE.
+SEA, SAND AND HOTELS FULL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE COUNTER-IRRITANT
+
+Most men have a hobby. Timbrell-Timson's is to bear on his narrow
+shoulders the burden of Middle Europe. He calls it Mittel-Europa.
+Lately he has been sharing his burden with me.
+
+"You know," he said, frowning--he always frowns, because of the
+burden--"I am rather uneasy about the Czecho-Slovaks."
+
+"I'm not too comfortable about them myself," I said truthfully.
+
+"There seems to be a certain lack of stability about their new
+constitution," said T.-T., "a--a--a--what shall I say?"
+
+"A--er--um--a," I put in.
+
+"Exactly; just so," said T.-T. He then got into his stride and gave me
+twenty minutes' Czecho-Slovakism when I was dying to discover whether
+HOBBS had scored his two-millionth run.
+
+As T.-T. talked my mind wandered away into regions of its own--Aunt
+Jane's rheumatic gout, my broken niblick, the necessity for getting
+my hair cut. But sub-consciously I reserved a courteous minimum of
+attention for T.-T., and said, "H'm" and "Ha" with decent frequency.
+He went on and on, shedding several ounces of the burden. I decided
+that Aunt Jane ought to have a shot at Christian Science.
+
+"... very much the same plight as the Poles," said T.-T., emerging from
+a cloud of Czecho-Slovakism and pausing to clear his meagre throat.
+
+I felt it was up to me. "Of course," I said, "the Poles don't strike
+one as being--er--very--that is--"
+
+"Precisely. They are not," said T.-T., as I knew he would. "But I am
+very relieved to see that M. Grabski...."
+
+This was something new and sounded amusing. "Grabski?" I said. "What's
+happened to dear old--I mean, I thought M. Paderewski was--"
+
+"I am referring to the recent Spa Conference," said T.-T. severely.
+
+"Of course, how silly of me," I murmured.
+
+T.-T. gave me another twenty minutes of Poland. Then he released me,
+with a final word of warning against putting too much faith in M.
+Daschovitch. I promised I wouldn't.
+
+T.-T. shook me cordially by the hand and said, "It has been a pleasure
+to talk to such a sympathetic listener."
+
+What led me to revolt was T.-T.'s hat-trick. Three evenings in
+succession he unloaded on me chunks of the burden. Probably he thought
+the third time made it my own property.
+
+I asked advice from Brown, a man of commonsense.
+
+"During the Great War," said Brown, "I went down with pneumonia. They
+painted my chest yellow, and, when I asked the Sister why, she said it
+was a counter-irritant. That's what you want to use now, my lad. Stand
+up to your little friend and beat him at his own game."
+
+"But how?" I said. "I can't. What he doesn't know about the gentle
+Czech isn't worth a cussovitch."
+
+"Cultivate a counter-burden," said Brown, "and make him eat it as he
+has made you eat his."
+
+When I left Brown it was decided that I was henceforth to be an
+authority on Mittel-Afrika. The next evening I was purposely
+unoccupied in a corner of the smoking-room when T.-T. came in,
+frowning and bowed down by his burden, to which apparently I had
+brought no relief.
+
+"Well, to-day's news from Mittel-Europa is hardly--" he began.
+
+"Scarcely glanced at it," I said. "I was so busy with the news from
+Mittel-Afrika--Abyssinia, in fact."
+
+T.-T. looked surprised, partly, no doubt, because he knew as well as
+I did that Abyssinia is nowhere near the middle of Africa. Then he
+gained balance and reopened with the remark that "The ineradicable
+weakness of the Czecho-Slovak is--"
+
+"Just what I feel about the Ethiopians," I said.
+
+"Of course there is in the Czecho a fundamental--" began T.-T. once
+more.
+
+"Not half so fundamental as in the Abyssinians," I said promptly.
+
+T.-T. was puzzled but obstinate. The burden, I think, was rather bad
+that evening. He tried me with Grabski and got as far as saying that
+he had little respect for that gentleman's antecedents.
+
+I broke in by comparing Grabski's antecedents with the antecedents of
+B'lumbu, the Abyssinian Deputy Under-secretary of the Admiralty, much
+to the detriment of the latter. Then I launched out into a long and
+startling _exposé_ of what I called the Swarthy Peril. I told T.-T.
+that the Ethiopians ate their young, and warned him that, unless he
+was careful, they would soon be over here devouring his own spectacled
+progeny. I told him about the Ethiopic secret plans for the invasion
+of Mexico as a stepping-stone to the subjugation of Mittel-Amerika.
+I hinted that Abyssinian spies were everywhere--that even one of the
+club waiters was not above suspicion.
+
+For thirty-five minutes I held T.-T. in his chair (may the Abyssinian
+gods forgive me!). After the first three minutes he forgot his burden
+and never a word spake he.
+
+Then I released him with a final warning against putting any faith at
+all in Gran'slâm, the Abyssinian Assistant Foreign Secretary, and as
+we parted I said gratefully, "It has been a pleasure to talk to such a
+sympathetic listener."
+
+I don't think T.-T. really believes even now in the Swarthy Peril, but
+the counter-irritant has done its work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GARDEN OF ALLAH.
+
+[The Metropolitan Water Board announces an advance in the Water Rate.]
+
+  I cannot fill the bounteous cup
+    Munificently as of yore
+  Because the water's going up
+    (It didn't at Lodore);
+  No longer now can I regale
+  The canine stranger with a pail
+    Drawn from my cistern's store.
+
+  Let Samuel the sunflower die,
+    Let Gerald the geranium fade,
+  And all the other plants that I
+    Have hitherto displayed;
+  The virgin grass within my plot
+  May call for water--I will not
+    Preserve a single blade.
+
+  Henceforth let Claude the cactus dress
+    My garden beds, who bravely grows
+  Without a frequent S.O.S.
+    To water-can and hose.
+  I've cast these weapons to the void
+  And permanently unemployed
+    Is Hildebrand the hose.
+
+  Within the house by words and deeds
+    I've run an Anti-Waste Campaign;
+  On every tap the legend reads:
+    "Teetotalers, abstain!"
+  While on each bath and tub of mine
+  I've drawn freehand a PLIMSOLL line,
+    Impressionist but plain.
+
+  When upward mount my chops and cheese
+    I fain must bend beneath the blow;
+  I have to pay the price for these
+    Whether I will or no.
+  But here at least, by dint of thought,
+  I feel that I can bring to naught
+    The rise in H_2O.
+
+  You'll find that I shall keep in check
+    The gross expense of water when
+  Domestic _nettoyage á sec_
+    Rules my ancestral den.
+  I, unlike Nature, don't abhor
+  A "vacuum"--to clean the floor:
+    In fact I've ordered ten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Bremen ... the crowd seized the stalls in the market, and sold
+    the goods at prices between 100 and 200 per cent. lower than the
+    prices demanded."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The correspondent who sends us the above cutting demands similar
+reductions in English markets in order that he may live within his
+income of _minus_ two pounds a week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: =INCORRIGIBLES.=
+
+"EXCUSE ME, SIR--I'M DOWN HERE FOR A REST CURE, AND NOT ALLOWED TO
+LOOK AT A NEWSPAPER. PERHAPS YOU WOULDN'T MIND TELLING ME WHAT KAFFIRS
+STOOD AT YESTERDAY?"
+
+"SORRY I CAN'T OBLIGE YOU. I'VE SWORN OFF NEWSPAPERS MYSELF. THIS IS
+_THE SHRIMPTON COURIER_ FOR FEBRUARY 12 THAT MY LANDLADY WRAPPED MY
+SANDWICHES IN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEGINNER.
+
+Six months ago Maurice Gillstone's flat was the home of unrest.
+Maurice was one of those authors who tire of their creations before
+completion. He would get an idea, begin to write and then turn to some
+other theme.
+
+It made the domestic atmosphere difficult. You would go to call on the
+Gillstones and find them plunged in despair. Maurice would gaze at you
+with a wild unseeing eye, pass his hand through his dishevelled hair,
+mutter "The inspiration has left me," and fling himself into a chair
+and groan. Mrs. Maurice would burst into tears.
+
+The flat was strewn with fragments of manuscripts. Plays, novels,
+poems (none finished) littered the rooms in profusion; a brilliant
+but isolated Scene I., stray opening chapters of novels, detached
+prologues of mighty epics.
+
+"His beginnings are wonderful," Mrs. Maurice would wail between her
+sobs; "keen critics and men of the most delicate literary taste rave
+over them; but if he can't finish them, what's the use?"
+
+It was very sad.
+
+Then John Edmund Drall, the inventor of the non-alcoholic beverage
+which is now a household word and an old friend of the Gillstones,
+came along and tried to cure Maurice of his literary defect by the
+sort of ruse one would employ on a jibbing horse. He sent Maurice a
+bottle of his Lemonbeer and asked him to write an appreciation of that
+noxious fluid.
+
+"I have asked Maurice," Drall confided to me, "to scribble a
+testimonial to Lemonbeer. It will kind of break the spell, and it
+wouldn't be Maurice if he didn't turn out a perfect gem of literary
+composition. I know my Lemonbeer is really good and I know that
+Maurice is extremely appreciative. Maurice is under a spell. It must
+be broken. If he can write a complete testimonial he will easily
+finish all those beginnings of his." The idea seemed sound.
+
+Well, Maurice drank the Lemonbeer and, in spite of an increasing
+tendency to swoon, did begin to write a gem of a testimonial. He had,
+however, written but the first four words of it when he fainted. These
+words were "Lemonbeer is the best...."
+
+Maurice would do anything for a friend, and, as I say, had actually
+written "Lemonbeer is the best ..." after drinking a whole bottle of
+it.
+
+It was Drall's advertisement manager who said that in point of selling
+power this testimonial was unsurpassed. "The finished completeness of
+the composition," he said, "shows sheer genius. Just four words. A
+word added or subtracted would ruin it."
+
+When Maurice came to and learnt how brilliant he had been he simply
+put on his hat and walked round to a Film Agency to say that he was
+prepared to write--and complete--any number of masterpieces. Since
+that day he has never looked back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Commercial Candour.=
+
+    "ANTIQUE SILVER.
+
+    Mr. ---- invites all interested to inspect his fine stock which he
+    can offer just new at exceptionally low prices."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Peggy._ "PLEASE, MISS JUDKIN, MUMMY SAYS WILL YOU
+KINDLY LET HER HAVE A LITTLE BRANDY FOR OUR GOAT? IT'S VERY ILL AND
+MUMMY IS AFRAID IT'S DYING."
+
+_Miss Judkin._ "TELL YOUR MOTHER I'M VERY SORRY, BUT THE ONLY BRANDY
+I'VE GOT IS VERY OLD."
+
+_Peggy._ "OH, THAT WILL DO SPLENDIDLY. IT'S A VERY OLD GOAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAIR.
+
+  Look up, my child, the sirens whoop
+    Shrill invitations to the Fair,
+  The yellow swing-boats soar and swoop,
+    The Gavioli organs blare;
+  Bull-throated show-men, bracken-brown,
+  Compete to shout each other down.
+
+  Behold the booths of gingerbread,
+    Of nougat and of peppermints,
+  The stall of toys where overhead
+    Balloons of gay translucent tints
+  Float on the breeze and drift and sway;
+  Fruit of a fairy vine are they.
+
+  Within this green fantastic grot
+    Bright-coloured balls are danced and spun
+  On jets ("'Ere, lovey, 'ave a shot");
+    A gipsy lady tends a gun,
+  A very rose of gipsy girls,
+  With earrings glinting in her curls.
+
+  Will marvels cease? This humble booth
+    Enshrines a dame of royal birth,
+  Princess Badrubidure, forsooth,
+    The fattest princess on the earth;
+  Come, we will stand where kings have stood,
+  And you shall pinch her if you're good.
+
+  The brasses gleam, the mirrors flash,
+    How splendid is the Round-About!
+  The organ brays, the cymbals clash,
+    The spotted horses bound about
+  Their whirling platform, full of beans,
+  And country girls ride by like queens.
+
+  Professor Battling Bendigo
+    (Ex ten-stone champion of the West)
+  Parades the stage before his show
+    And swells his biceps and his chest;
+  "Is England's manhood dead and gone?"
+  He asks; "Won't no one take me on?"
+
+  A big drum booms, revolvers crack;
+    Who is this hero that appears,
+  A velvet tunic on his back,
+    His whiskers curling round his ears?
+  'Tis he who drew the jungle's sting,
+  Diabolo, the Lion King.
+
+  Within are birds beyond belief
+    And creatures colourful and quaint:
+  Lean dingoes weighed with secret grief
+    And monkey humourists who ain't;
+  Bears, camels, pards--Look up, my dear,
+  The wonders of the world are here!
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CELLS BELOW ZERO FOR T.B. PATIENTS.
+
+Ink in Nurses' Pens Froze when Taking Men's Temperature."--_Canadian
+Paper._
+
+Personally, we prefer having ours taken with a thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OFFENCES UNDER THE LIGHTING ORDERS.
+
+--At Thursday's petty session Emile ---- was paid £1 for having no
+near side light on his motor car."--_Local Paper._
+
+But ought foreign offenders to be favoured in this way?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Richmond camp is a scene of bustling activity from sunrise to
+reveille, or 'Taps' as the Americans term it."--_Evening Paper._
+
+And after that the boy scouts would appear to have had a nice long day
+to themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION--
+
+PREMIER (_entering Cabinet Council Room_). "WHAT--NOBODY HERE?"
+
+BUTLER. "YOU FORGET, SIR. THIS IS PRESS DAY. THE GENTLEMEN ARE ALL
+FINISHING THEIR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LONG PARTNERSHIP.
+
+_Capt. Wedgwood Benn_ (_to Mr. Asquith_). "ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
+TOOK THE GLOVES OFF AND HAD A GO AT 'EM YOURSELF?" _Top Row_ (_reading
+from left to right_).--Mr. G. R. THORNE, Mr. DEVLIN, Sir DONALD
+MACLEAN, Mr. CLYNES, Gen. SEELY, Col. WEDGWOOD. _Middle Row._--The
+SPEAKER, Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+Mr. ASQUITH, Capt. WEDGWOOD BENN. _Bottom Row._--Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT,
+Mr. WHITLEY (_Chairman of Committees_).]
+
+
+=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
+
+_Monday, August 2nd._--The rain that drenched the Bank-holiday-makers
+had its counterpart inside the House of Commons in the shower of
+Questions arising out of Mr. CHURCHILL'S article on the Polish crisis
+in an evening newspaper. Members of various parties sought to know
+whether, when the WAR SECRETARY said that peace with Soviet Russia was
+only another form of war and apparently invited the co-operation of
+the German militarists to fight the Bolshevists, he was expressing the
+views of the Government; and if not, what had become of the doctrine
+of collective responsibility?
+
+The PRIME MINISTER manfully tried to shield his colleague from the
+storm, but the effort took all his strength and ingenuity, and more
+than once it seemed as if an unusually violent blast would blow his
+umbrella inside out. His principal points were that the article did
+not mean what it appeared to say; that if it did it was not so much
+an expression of policy as of a "hankering"--("HANKERING. An uneasy
+craving to possess or enjoy something"--_Dictionary_); that he could
+not control his colleagues' desires or their expression, even in a
+newspaper hostile to the Government, so long as they were consistent
+with the policy of the Government; and that he was not aware of
+anything in this particular article that "cut across any declaration
+of policy by His Majesty's Government."
+
+This does not sound very convincing perhaps, but it was sufficient to
+satisfy Members, whose chief anxiety is to get off as soon as possible
+to the country, and who voted down by 134 to 32 an attempt to move the
+adjournment.
+
+The CHIEF SECRETARY formally introduced a Bill "to make provision for
+the restoration and maintenance of order in Ireland." Earlier in the
+sitting the PRIME MINISTER had declined Mr. DE VALERA'S alleged offer
+to accept a republic on the Cuban pattern, and had reiterated his
+intention to pass the Home Rule Bill after the Recess.
+
+Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR is a declared opponent of both these measures, but
+that did not prevent him from contrasting the lightning speed of the
+House when passing coercion for Ireland with its snail-like pace when
+approaching conciliation. In fifty years it had not given justice to
+Ireland; it was to be asked to give injustice to Ireland in fewer
+hours.
+
+_Tuesday, August 3rd._--That genial optimist Lord PEEL commended the
+Ministry of Mines Bill as being calculated to restore harmony and
+goodwill among masters and men. According to Lord GAINFORD the best
+way to secure this result is to hand back the control of the mines
+to their owners, between whom and the employés, he declared, cordial
+relations had existed in the past. Still, the owners would work the
+Bill for what it was worth, and hoped the miners would do the same.
+Lord HALDANE said that was just what the miners had announced their
+intention of not doing unless they were given a great deal more power
+than the Bill proposed. But this lack of enthusiasm in no way damped
+Lord PEEL'S ardour. Indeed he observed that he had "never introduced a
+Bill that was received with any sort of enthusiasm." Mollified by this
+engaging candour the Peers gave the Bill a Second Reading.
+
+I am glad to record another example of Government economy. To Mr.
+GILBERT, who desired that more sandpits should be provided in the
+London parks for the delectation of town-tied children, Sir ALFRED
+MOND reluctantly but sternly replied that "in view of the considerable
+expenditure involved" he did not feel justified in adding to the
+existing number of three.
+
+Dumps suggest dolefulness, but the debate on the action of the
+Disposals Board in disposing of the accumulations at Slough, St. Omer
+and elsewhere was decidedly lively. Mr. HOPE led off by attacking the
+recent report of the Committee on National Expenditure, and declared
+that its Chairman, though a paragon of truth, was not necessarily a
+mirror of accuracy. The Chairman himself (Sir F. BANBURY), seated for
+the nonce upon the Opposition Bench, replied with appropriate vigour
+in a speech which caused Sir GORDON HEWART to remark that the passion
+for censoriousness was not a real virtue, but which greatly pleased
+the Labour Party, in acknowledging whose compliments Sir FREDERICK
+severely strained the brim of his tall hat.
+
+After these star-turns the "walking gentlemen" had their chance.
+Sixteen times were they called upon to parade the Division Lobbies
+by an Opposition which on one occasion registered no fewer than
+fifty-three votes.
+
+_Wednesday, August 4th._--One of the few Irish institutions which all
+Irishmen unite in praising is the mail service between Kingstown and
+Holyhead. Even the Sinn Feiners would think twice before cutting this
+link between England and Ireland. Yet, according to Lord ORANMORE AND
+BROWNE, the British Post Office has actually given notice to terminate
+the contract. He was assured, however, by Lord CRAWFORD that tenders
+for a new contract would shortly be invited and that, whoever secured
+it, the efficiency of the service would be maintained.
+
+It was nearly eight o'clock before the Ministry of Mines came on. Lord
+SALISBURY thought it would be improper to consider so important a
+measure after dinner; Lord CRAWFORD thought it would be still more
+improper to suggest that the Peers would not be in a condition to
+transact business after that meal. He carried his point, but at the
+expense of the Bill, for Lord SALISBURY, returning like a giant
+refreshed, induced their Lordships to transform the Minister of Mines
+into a mere Under-Secretary of the Board of Trade, thus defeating,
+according to Lord PEEL, the principal purpose of the measure.
+
+It was another day of rather small beer in the Commons. There were,
+however, one or two _dicta_ of note. Thus Sir BERTRAM FALK, who
+was concerned because Naval officers received no special marriage
+allowance, was specifically assured by Sir JAMES CRAIG that the
+Admiralty will not prevent men from marrying. I understood, however,
+that it will not recognise a wife in every port.
+
+_Thursday, August 5th._--With lofty disregard of a hundred-and-twenty
+years of history the Duke of NORTHUMBERLAND informed the Peers that
+the present state of Ireland was due to Bolshevism. Having diagnosed
+the disease so clearly he ought to have been ready with a remedy, but
+could suggest nothing more practical than the holding of mass meetings
+to organise British public opinion.
+
+Meanwhile the Commons were engaged in rushing through with the aid
+of the "guillotine" a Bill for the restoration of order in the
+distressful country. Mr. BONAR LAW, usually so accurate, fell into an
+ancient trap, and declared that the Sinn Fein leaders had "raised a
+_Frankenstein_ that they cannot control."
+
+Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD made as good a defence of the Bill as was possible
+in the circumstances. But neither he nor anybody else could say how
+courts-martial, which are "to act on the ordinary rules of evidence,"
+will be successful in bringing criminals to justice if witnesses
+refuse to come forward.
+
+Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR re-delivered the anti-coercion speech which he has
+been making off and on for the last forty years. Mr. DEVLIN was a
+little more up-to-date, for he introduced a reference to the Belfast
+riots and drew from the CHIEF SECRETARY an assurance that the Bill
+would be as applicable to Ulster as to the rest of Ireland.
+
+Mr. ASQUITH denounced the Bill with unusual animation, and was sure
+that it would do more harm than good. Cromwellian treatment needed
+a CROMWELL, but he did not see one on the Treasury Bench. "CROMWELL
+yourself!" retorted the PRIME MINISTER. The only unofficial supporter
+of the Bill, and even he "no great admirer," was Lord HUGH CECIL; but
+nevertheless the Second Reading was carried by 289 to 71.
+
+The House afterwards gave a Second Reading to the Census (Ireland)
+Bill, on the principle, as Captain ELLIOTT caustically observed, that
+if you can't do anything with the people of Ireland you might at least
+find out how many of them there are.
+
+_Friday, August 6th._--The remaining stages of the Coercion Bill were
+passed under the "guillotine." Mr. DEVLIN declared that this was not
+"cricket," and refused to play any longer; but it is only fair to say
+that he had not then seen our artist's picture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AN' WHEN I TOLD 'IM IN THE ORFICE THAT ME MONEY WASN'T
+RIGHT, HE SAYS, ''ERE 'S A READY RECKONER--WORK IT OUT YERSELF;' AN'
+BELIEVE ME OR BELIEVE ME NOT, BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE BLESSED BOOK I
+FOUND IT WAS LAST YEAR'S."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At this stage the Chairman withdrew complaining of a head-ache
+    without nominating a successor, darkness set in and there were no
+    lights. Along with the Chairman some forty people also left in a
+    body. What happened afterwards is not clear."
+
+    _Indian Paper._
+
+We don't wonder the reporter was baffled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH.--_Re_ the authorship of SHAKSPEARE'S plays, may I
+quote from _Twelfth Night_, Act I., Scene V.? Thank you.
+
+
+  "'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
+  Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on."
+
+
+This is unquestionably bacon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_in a gallant attempt to cover his
+opponent's eloquence_) _sings._ "WE PLOUGH THE FIELDS AND SCATTER--"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=ROAD CONDITIONS FOR CHARABANCS.=
+
+The following road information is compiled from reports received by
+the Charabanc Defence Association:--
+
+The Lushborough road is good and free from obstruction as far as
+Great Boundingley, but from Chatback to Wrothley the conditions are
+unfavourable. The bridge one mile south of the former place has been
+occupied by a strong force of unfriendly natives, and several cases of
+tarring have been reported. There is, however, an alternative route
+_viâ_ Boozeley, but great caution is advised in passing through
+Wrothley, passengers being recommended to provide themselves with a
+good supply of loose metal before entering the village, where most of
+the houses are protected with iron shutters. Helmets should not
+be removed before reaching Cadbridge, where there is no danger of
+retaliation.
+
+Bottles may be discharged freely all along the Muckley road as far
+as Ruddiham, but caution is needed at Bashfield Corner, from which
+a small band of snipers has not yet been dislodged, though their
+ammunition is running short. Passengers should be prepared to use all
+the resources of their vocabulary at Bargingham, where the inhabitants
+enjoy a well-deserved repute for their command of picturesque
+invective. It would be humiliating to the whole charabanc
+confraternity if they were to yield their pre-eminence in this branch
+of education to a small rural community.
+
+Thanks to the vigilance of the well-armed patrols of the Charabanc
+Defence Association the main roads in East Anglia are almost clear
+of the enemy. Caution must still be observed in passing through
+Garningham at night. One of the hardiest "charabankers" was recently
+prostrated in that village by a well-aimed epithet from the oldest
+inhabitant. A writer in a Norwich paper recently described the
+area within ten miles of Whelksham as "a paradise for baboon-faced
+Yahooligans." But these futile ebullitions of malice are powerless to
+check the triumphal progress of the charabanc in the Eastern Counties.
+
+But no route at present offers more favourable or exhilarating
+opportunities to the high-minded excursionist than the main Gath road
+from Scrapston to Kinlarry. Excellent sport is afforded just outside
+Stillminster, where Sir John Goodfellow's greenhouses are within easy
+bottle-throw of the road and furnish a splendid target. On the
+whole, however, it is thought advisable to abstain from saluting
+the neighbouring hospital for shell-shock patients with a salvo of
+megaphones, local opinion being adverse to such manifestations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.=
+
+  The Ealing trains run frequently,
+    The Ealing trains run fast;
+  I stand at Gloucester Road and see
+    A many hurtling past;
+  They go to Acton, Turnham Green,
+  And stations I have never seen,
+  Simply because my lot has been
+    In other places cast.
+
+  The folk on Ealing trains who ride
+    They, pitying, bestow
+  On me a look instinct with pride;
+    But I would have them know
+  That, while on Wimbledonian plains
+  My humble domicile remains,
+  I HAVE NO USE FOR EALING TRAINS,
+    Though still they come and go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Conversation of the moment in a City restaurant:--
+
+REGULAR CUSTOMER (_looking down menu_). "Waiter, why is cottage pie
+never on now?"
+
+WAITER. "Well, Sir, since this 'ere shortage of 'ouses we ain't
+allowed to make 'em any more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE REVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
+
+(_Written after reading Mr. Francis W. GALPIN'S "Old English
+Instruments of Music_.")
+
+  I am no skilful vocalist;
+    I can't control my _mezza gola_;
+  I have but an indifferent fist
+    (Or foot) upon the Pianola.
+
+  But there are instruments, I own,
+    That fire me with a fond ambition
+  To master for their names alone
+    Apart from their august tradition.
+
+  They are the Fipple-Flute, a word
+    Suggestive of seraphic screeches;
+  The Poliphant comes next, and third
+    The Humstrum--aren't they perfect peaches?
+
+  About their tone I cannot say
+    Much that would carry clear conviction,
+  For, till I read of them to-day,
+    I knew them not in fact or fiction.
+
+  As yet I am, alas! without
+    Instruction in the art of fippling,
+  Though something may be found about
+    It in the works of LEAR or KIPLING.
+
+  And possibly I may unearth
+    In LECKY or in LAURENCE OLIPHANT
+  Some facts to remedy my dearth
+    Of knowledge bearing on the Poliphant.
+
+  But, now their pictures I have seen
+    In GALPIN'S learned dissertation,
+  So far as in me lies I mean
+    To bring about their restoration.
+
+  Yet since I cannot learn all three
+    And time is ever onward humming,
+  My few remaining years shall be
+    Devoted wholly to humstrumming.
+
+  That, when my bones to rest are laid,
+    Upon my tomb it may be written:
+  "He was the very last who played
+    Upon the Humstrum in Great Britain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SPIDER.
+
+Lately we had occasion to consider the place of the grasshopper in
+modern politics. Now let us consider the place of the spider in our
+social life.
+
+It seems to me that the spider is the most accomplished and in some
+ways the most sensible insect we have in these parts. In my opinion a
+great deal too much fuss has been made about the bee. She is a knowing
+little thing, but the spider is her superior in many ways. Yet no one
+seems to write books or educational rhymes about the spider. It is
+really a striking example of the well-known hypocrisy and materialism
+of the British race. The bee is held up to the young as a model of
+industry and domestic virtue--and why? Simply because she manufactures
+food which we happen to like. The spider is held up to the young as
+the type of rapacity, malice and cruelty, on the sole ground that he
+catches flies, though we do not pretend that we are fond of flies, and
+conveniently ignore the fact that, if the spider did not swat that
+fly, we should probably swat it ourselves.
+
+The real charge against the spider is that he doesn't make any food
+for us. As for the virtue and nobility of the bee, I don't see it. The
+only way in which she is able to accumulate all that honey at all is
+by massacring the unfortunate males by the thousand as soon as she
+conveniently can, a piece of Prussianism which may be justified on
+purely material grounds, but is scarcely consistent with her high
+reputation for morality and lovingkindness. If it could be shown that
+the bee consciously collected all that honey with the idea that we
+should annex it there might be something to be said for her on moral
+grounds; but nobody pretends that. Now look at the spider. We are told
+that as a commercial product spider-silk has been found to be equal if
+not superior to the best silk spun by the Lepidopterous larvæ, with
+whom, of course, you are familiar. "But the cannibalistic propensities
+of spiders, making it impossible to keep more than one in a single
+receptacle ... have hitherto prevented the silk being used ... for
+textile fabrics." So that it comes to this: if spiders are useless
+because they eat each other, the bees do much the same thing (only
+wholesale), but it makes them commercially useful. The bee therefore
+we place upon a pinnacle of respectability, but the spider we despise.
+Faugh! the hypocrisy of it makes me sick. My children will be taught
+to venerate the spider and despise the bee.
+
+For, putting aside the question of moral values, look what the spider
+can do. What is there in the clammy, not to say messy, honey-comb to
+be compared with the delicate fabric of the spider's web? Indeed,
+should we ever have given a single thought to the honey-comb if it had
+had no honey in it? Do we become lyrical about the wasp's comb? We do
+not. It is a case where greed and materialism have warped our artistic
+perceptions. The spider can lower itself from the drawing-room ceiling
+to the floor by a silken thread produced out of itself. Still more
+marvellous, he can climb up the same thread to the ceiling when he
+is bored, winding up the thread inside him as he goes, and so making
+pursuit impossible. What can the bee do to equal that? And how is it
+done? We don't even know. _The Encyclopædia Britannica_ doesn't know;
+or if it does it doesn't let on. But the whole tedious routine of the
+bee's domestic pottering day is an open book to us. Ask yourself,
+which would you rather do, be able to collect honey and put it in a
+suitable receptacle, or be able to let yourself down from the top
+floor to the basement by a silken rope produced out of your tummy, and
+then climb up it again when you want to go upstairs, just winding up
+the rope inside you? I think you will agree that the spider has it. It
+is hard enough, goodness knows, to wind up an ordinary ball of string
+so that it will go into the string-box properly. What one would do if
+one had to put it in one's bread-box I can't think. When my children
+grow up, instead of learning
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee ..."
+
+they will learn--
+
+  How doth the jolly little spider
+  Wind up such miles of silk inside her,
+  When it is clear that spiders' tummies
+  Are not so big as mine or Mummy's?
+  The explanation seems to be,
+  They do not eat so much as me.
+
+That will point the moral of moderation in eating, you see. There will
+be a lot more verses, I expect; I can see _cram_ and _diaphragm_ and
+possibly _jam_ coming very soon. But we must get on.
+
+The spider is like the bee in this respect, that the male seems to
+have a most rotten time. For one thing he is nearly always about
+two sizes smaller than the female. Owing to that and to what _The
+Encyclopædia Britannica_ humorously describes as "the greater
+voracity" of the female (there is a lot of quiet fun in _The
+Encyclopædia Britannica_), he is a very brave spider who makes a
+proposal of marriage. "He makes his advances to his mate at the risk
+of his life and is not infrequently killed and eaten by her before or
+after" they are engaged ("before or after" is good). "Fully aware of
+the danger he pays his addresses with extreme caution, frequently
+waiting for hours in her vicinity before venturing to come to close
+quarters. Males of the _Argyopidæ_ hang on the outskirts of the webs
+of the females and signal their presence to her by jerking the radial
+threads in a peculiar manner." This is, of course, the origin of the
+quaint modern custom by which the young man rings the bell before
+attempting to enter the web of his beloved in Grosvenor Square.
+Contemporary novelists have even placed on record cases in which the
+male has "waited for hours in her vicinity before venturing to come
+to close quarters;" but too much attention must not be paid to these
+imaginative accounts. If I have said enough to secure that in future a
+little more kindliness and respect will be shown to the spider in the
+nurseries of this great Empire, and a little less of it wasted on the
+bee, I have not misspent my time.
+
+But I shall not be content. Can we not go further? Can we not get a
+little more of the simplicity of spider life into this hectic world of
+ours? In these latitudes the spider lives only for a single season.
+"The young emerge from the cocoon in the early spring, grow through
+the summer and reach maturity in the early autumn. _The sexes then
+pair and perish_ soon after the female has constructed her cocoon."
+How delicious! No winter; no bother about coal; no worry about the
+children's education; just one glorious summer of sport, one wild
+summer of fly-catching and midge-eating, a romantic, not to say
+dangerous wooing, a quiet wedding in the autumn, dump the family in
+some nice unfurnished cocoon--and perish. Is there nothing to be said
+for that? How different from the miserable bee, which just goes on and
+on, worrying about posterity, working and working, fussing about....
+
+Yet all our lives are modelled on the bee's.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Meere._ "YOU'LL REALLY HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL,
+DEAR, HOW YOU SPEAK TO THE COOK OR SHE'LL BE LEAVING US."
+
+_Mrs. M._ "PERHAPS I WAS RATHER SEVERE."
+
+_Mr. M._ "SEVERE! WHY, ANYONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO
+ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOWN-OUR-COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Why should not some of the other people, who also enjoy life, have
+their movements recorded too? Like this:--
+
+During Mr. William Sikes' visit to the Devonshire moors Mrs. Sikes
+will remain in town.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. and Mrs. James Harris have arrived in London from Southend.
+
+       * * *
+
+Miss Levi, Miss Hirsch and Master Isaacson are among the guests at
+Victoria Park, where some highly successful children's parties have
+been given.
+
+       * * *
+
+Epping is much in favour just now, and a large number of (public)
+house-parties have been arranged. Among those entertaining this week
+are Mr. Henry Higgins, Mr. Robert Atkins and Mr. John Smith.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. Henry Hawkins, Mrs. Hawkins, Mr. Henry Hawkins, junior, and Miss
+Hawkins left town on August 2nd for Hampstead Heath, for a day's
+riding and shooting. A large bag of nuts was obtained. Mr. Hawkins has
+not yet returned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "LITTLE PROGRESS MADE.
+  KING  STILL  DEFIANT."
+  _Daily Paper._
+
+  Oh, dear! Another complication!
+  Who is the monarch? Which the nation?
+  We breathe again. The Leicester pro.
+  Kept up his end four hours or so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    "Another of the big round landlords of London is selling his
+    estate.
+
+    Sir Joseph Doughty Tichborne is selling his Doughty Estate of 14
+    acres."--_Evening Paper._
+
+It recalls the famous case. "The Claimant" would certainly have made
+"a big round landlord."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Here then is a new development of serious local journalism. Just
+    an unpretentious but exceedingly well-printed village sheet,
+    breathing local atmosphere, emitting nothing that can possibly
+    interest the natives."
+
+_Local Paper._
+
+But we seem to have seen journals like this before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Dutch bulb-grower's catalogue:--
+
+    "Nothing but Inferior quality being sent out from my Nurseries. My
+    terms are Cash with order only."
+
+In matters of commerce this Dutchman appears to be maintaining his
+country's reputation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE ANNIVERSARY.=
+
+It began as quite an ordinary day. I read my paper at breakfast and
+Kathleen poured out the coffee. She wore that little frown between her
+eyebrows that means that she is thinking out the menu for lunch and
+dinner and hoping that Nurse hasn't burnt Baby's porridge again. This
+is married life.
+
+Then I started in a hurry for the office, hurling a "Good-bye, dear"
+through the open window as I passed. The 9.15 leaves little time for
+affection. That too is married life.
+
+It was the sweetbriar hedge that made me decide to miss the 9.15. It
+clutched hold of me suddenly and told me that the sky was very blue
+and the woods very green, and that the office was an absurd thing on
+such a day.
+
+I went slowly back home round the outside of the garden wall. Someone
+was singing in the garden. I stopped and whistled a tune. A face
+appeared over the wall--rather an attractive face.
+
+"Hello!" it said; "someone I knew a long time ago used to whistle that
+tune outside my garden."
+
+"Hello!" I said; "come out for a walk?"
+
+"I can't come out at the bidding of young men on the highway. It isn't
+done."
+
+"Never mind. Come out."
+
+"Have I ever been introduced to you?"
+
+"Introductions went out years ago. Come by the side gate."
+
+She came. She held a shady hat in her hand and walked on tip-toe.
+
+"Sh!" she cautioned; "no one must see me. I have a reputation, you
+know. I don't want the Vicar to denounce me from the pulpit on Sunday
+in front of Baby."
+
+"I will be quite frank with you," she went on, holding out her left
+hand with a dramatic flourish; "I am married--I have a husband."
+
+I gave a hollow groan; then, with a manly effort, I mastered my
+emotion.
+
+"I hope he's nice to you," I said.
+
+"No, he isn't. He grouches off to the office in the morning and
+grouches back in the evening and reads newspapers. He's just grouched
+off now."
+
+"The callous brute!" I hissed through my teeth.
+
+"There's worse than that," she said darkly.
+
+"No!"
+
+"Yes. To-day, to-day is an anniversary, and he forgot it." The manner
+was that of MADAME BERNHARDT.
+
+"Anniversaries," I said reassuringly, "are difficult to remember. They
+accumulate so."
+
+"Are you defending him?" she protested.
+
+"Er--no," I said hastily. "The man's an unmitigated scoundrel. He
+ought to be divorced or something. What anniversary was it?"
+
+"Our wedding-day," she said with a sob in the voice.
+
+"Heavens!" I said. "Oh, the dastardly ruffian!"
+
+"_You_ wouldn't forget your wedding-day, would you?"
+
+"_Never!_" I said hoarsely.
+
+"You're quite rather nice," she sighed.
+
+"You're adorable," I said readily.
+
+"How lovely! My husband never says things like that." And she leant
+against my shoulder.
+
+We got on rather well after that. We had lunch in an inn garden, where
+you could smell lavender and sweet peas and roses and where there were
+box hedges turned under magical spells into giant birds. We discovered
+a stream in a wood with hart's-tongue fern growing along its banks. I
+picked her armfuls of wild roses.
+
+"It's to make up," I said, "because your brute of a husband forgot
+your wedding-day."
+
+"I'd love to be married to you," she said brazenly.
+
+I turned aside to brush away a bitter tear.
+
+It was almost dusk when we got back to the side gate.
+
+"Good-bye," she whispered. "Go away quickly; I believe that's the
+Vicar coming down the road."
+
+Then she shut the gate with gentle swiftness in my face. I walked
+round to the front door. She was in the hall.
+
+"Hello!" she said; "I hope you had a good day at the office?"
+
+"Thanks," I said; "pretty rotten."
+
+"I've had a lovely day," she said; "I picked up such a nice young man
+in the high road. He's taking me out to-night. He's just going to ring
+up for seats."
+
+Without a word I went to the telephone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=The Right Order of Things at Last.=
+
+"A Gentleman would be pleased to Recommend his Butler in whose service
+he has been three years."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "TO AMERICANS IN LONDON.--The ----, Cornwall, offers you
+    comfortable home while on this side; far away from the madding
+    crown."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Republican prejudices respected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was a hard-swearing old sailor
+  Whose speech might have startled a jailer;
+  But he frankly avowed
+  That the charabanc crowd
+  Would not be allowed on a whaler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE PATIENTS' LIBRARY.=
+
+Though a West-End physician of repute, he must, I think, have had a
+course of American training, if rapidity of action be any indication
+thereof.
+
+Scarcely had the maid ushered me into his study and I had taken a seat
+than he came forward brusquely, looked at me with the glowering eye of
+the _Second Murderer_, grasped a large piece of me in the region of
+the fourth rib and barked, "You're too fat."
+
+Having been carefully bred I refrained from retaliation. I did
+not tell him that his legs were out of drawing and that he had a
+frightfully vicious nose. But before I had time to explain my business
+he had started on a series of explosive directions: "Eat proper food.
+Plenty of open air. Exercise morning, noon and night and in between.
+Use the Muldow system. You need a tonic."
+
+He turned to his table and was, I suppose, about to draw a cheque for
+me on the local chemist's when I decided to say my little piece.
+
+"Excuse me, Sir," said I mildly, "I am not a patient."
+
+The combination fountain-pen and thermometer almost fell from his
+hand.
+
+"I am," said I, "the sole proprietor and sole representative of the
+Physicians' Supply Association. I gave your maid my card. I have
+called with a thrilling offer of magazines for your waiting-room."
+
+"What dates?" said he, a gleam of interest in his dark eye.
+
+"All pre-war," said I proudly; "none of them are later than 1900 and
+some go back to 1880."
+
+"Not B.C.?" said he, with a look in which hope and disbelief were
+mingled.
+
+"No," said I. "All are A.D.; but they include two Reports of Missions
+to Deep Sea Fishermen in 1885--very rare. I'm sure they would match
+splendidly the Proceedings of the Royal Commission on Aniline Dyes
+which you have in the waiting-room."
+
+"No," said he firmly. "I have one of the most important practices in
+Harley Street. I likewise possess one of the finest collections of old
+magazines in the profession. That blue-book on Aniline Dyes is barely
+fifty years old. It was left me by my father, and I retain it simply
+through affection for him in spite of its modernity. But the rest
+go back to the Crimean vintage and earlier. When you have something
+really old, come to me. But"--and he threw in a winning smile in his
+best bedside manner--"not till then."
+
+I am now in search of a young practitioner who is merely starting a
+collection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+[Illustration SCENE.--_A Flower Show: Garden Ornament Section._
+
+_Mother._ "I DON'T CARE FOR THAT LITTLE FIGURE. HE'S TOO
+EIGHTEENTH-CENTURY FOR MY TASTE."
+
+_Critical Little Girl_ (_who has lately taken part in
+tableaux-vivants_). "HOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT CENTURY HE IS, MOTHER? HE'S
+GOT NO CLOTHES ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+If sorrow's crown of sorrow is as the poet says, it should be equally
+true that there is enough satisfaction in remembering unhappier things
+to ensure success for _The Crisis of the Naval War_ (CASSELL), the
+large and dignified volume in which Admiral of the Fleet Viscount
+JELLICOE OF SCAPA, G.C.B., O.M., G.C.V.O., reminds us how near the
+German submarines came to triumph in 1917, and details the various
+ways by which their menace was overcome. It is a solid book, written
+with authority, and addressed rather to the expert than to the casual
+reader; but even the latter individual (the middle-aged home-worker,
+for instance, remembering the rationed plate of beans and rice that
+constituted his lunch in the Spring of 1917) can thrill now to read of
+the precautions this represented, and the multiform activities that
+kept that distasteful dish just sufficiently replenished. I have
+observed that Viscount JELLICOE avoids any approach to sensationalism.
+His book however contains a number of exceedingly interesting
+photographs of convoys at sea, smoke-screens, depth-charges exploding,
+and the like, which the most uninformed can appreciate. And in at
+least one feature of "counter-measures," the history of the decoy or
+mystery ships, the record is of such exalted and amazing heroism that
+not the strictest language of officialdom can lessen its power to stir
+the heart. Who, for example, could read the story of _The Prize_, and
+the involuntary tribute from the captured German commander that rounds
+it off, without a glow of gratitude and pride? Do you recall how we
+would attempt to stifle curiosity with the unsatisfactory formula, "We
+shall know some day"? Here in this authoritative volume is another
+corner of the curtain lifted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although he is still comparatively a newcomer, a book with the
+signature of Mr. JOSEPH HERGESHEIMER is already something of a
+landmark in the publishing season. To this repute _Linda Condon_
+(HEINEMANN) will certainly add. In many ways I incline to think it, or
+parts of it, the best work that this unusual artist has yet done. The
+development of _Linda_, in the hateful surroundings of an American
+"hotel-child," through her detached and observant youth to a womanhood
+austere, remote, inspired only by the worship of essential beauty, is
+told with an exquisite rightness of touch that is a continual delight.
+Mr. HERGESHEIMER has above all else the gift of suggesting atmosphere
+and colour (ought I not in mere gratitude to bring myself to say
+"color"?); his picture of _Linda's_ amazing mother and the rest of
+the luxurious brainless company of her hotel existence has the exotic
+brilliance of the orchid-house, at once dazzling and repulsive. Later,
+in the course of her married life, inspiring and inspired by the
+sculptor _Pleydon_ (in whose fate the curious may perhaps trace some
+echo of recent controversy), the story of _Linda_ becomes inevitably
+less vivid, though its grasp of the reader's sympathy is never
+relaxed. In fine, a tale short as such go nowadays, but throughout
+of an arresting and memorable beauty. The state of modern American
+fiction has, if I may say so without offence, been for some time a
+cause of regret to the judicious; let Mr. HERGESHEIMER be resolute in
+refusing to lower his standard by over-production, and I look to see
+him leading a return towards the best traditions of an honourable
+past.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is not an impossible conception that _Sniping in France_
+(HUTCHINSON) will still be available in libraries in the year 2020
+A.D., and I can imagine the title then catching the eye of some
+enthusiastic sportsman, whose bent for game is stronger than his
+knowledge of history. Feeling that here is a new class of shooting for
+him to try his hand at, he will hasten to acquaint himself with the
+details and will discover that the first of the essentials is a
+European war in full blast. Whether or not he will see his way to
+arrange that for himself, I don't know and, since I shall not be
+present, I don't care. But in any case he will be absorbed in an
+eminently scientific and indeed romantic study of perhaps the most
+thrilling and deadly-earnest big game hunting there has ever been, and
+he will be left not a little impressed with the work of the author,
+Major H. HESKETH PRICHARD, D.S.O., M.C., his skill, energy and
+personality. As to this last he will find a brief summing-up in the
+foreword of General Lord HORNE, and he will be able to visualise the
+whole "blunderbuss" very clearly by the help of the illustrations of
+Mr. ERNEST BLAIKLEY, of the late Lieut. B. HEAD, and of the camera.
+There is undoubtedly much controversial matter in the book, which must
+necessarily give rise to the most remarkable gun-room discussions. I
+can well imagine some stout-hearted Colonel, prompted by his love for
+the plain soldier-man and his rooted dislike of all "specialists,"
+becoming very heated in the small hours of the morning about the
+paragraph on page 97, in which a division untrained in the Sniping
+Schools is in passing compared to a band of "careless and ignorant
+tourists."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Señor IBAÑEZ' new novel, _Mare Nostrum_ (CONSTABLE), is ostensibly a
+yarn about spies and submarines, its hero a gallant Spanish captain,
+_Ulysses Ferragut_, scion of a long line of sailormen. And there can
+be no doubt of the proper anti-German sentiments of this stout fellow,
+even though his impetuous passion for _Freya Talberg_, a Delilah in
+the service of the enemy, did make him store a tiny island with what
+the translator will persist in calling combustibles, meaning, one
+supposes, fuel. But more fundamentally it is an affectionate song
+of praise of the Mediterranean and the dwellers on its littoral,
+especially the fiery and hardy sailors of Spain, and of Spaniards, in
+particular the Valencians and Catalonians. Signor IBAÑEZ' method
+is distinctly discursive; he gives, for instance, six-and-twenty
+consecutive pages to the description of the inmates of the Naples
+Aquarium and is always ready to suspend his story for a lengthy
+disquisition on any subject, person or place that interests him. This
+puts him peculiarly at the mercy of his transliterator, who has a
+positive genius for choosing the wrong word and depriving any comment
+of its subtlety, any well-made phrase of its distinction. Even
+plain narrative such as the following is none too attractive:--"The
+voluminous documents would become covered with dust on his table and
+Don Esteban would have to saddle himself with the dates in order that
+the end of the legal procedures should not slip by." What ingenuous
+person authorises this sort of "authorised translation"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If I may say so without offence, Mr. EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS reminds me
+a little of those billiard experts who, having evolved a particular
+stroke, will continue it indefinitely, to the joy of the faithful
+and the exasperated boredom of the others. To explain my metaphor, I
+gather that Mr. BURROUGHS, having "got set," to an incredible number
+of thousands, with an invention called _Tarzan_, is now by way of
+beating his own record over the adventures of _John Carter_ in the red
+planet Mars. Concerning these amazing volumes there is just this to
+say, that either you can read them with avidity or you can't read them
+at all. From certain casual observations I conceive the test to be
+primarily one of youth, for honesty compels my middle-age to admit
+a personal failure. I saw the idea; for one thing no egg was ever a
+quarter so full of meat as the Martian existence of incomprehensible
+thrills, to heighten the effect of which Mr. BURROUGHS has invented
+what amounts to a new language, with a glossary of its own, thus
+appealing to a well-known instinct of boyhood, but rendering the whole
+business of a more than Meredithian obscurity to the uninitiate. I
+have hitherto forgotten to say that the particular volume before me is
+called _The War Lord of Mars_ (METHUEN). I may add that it closes
+with the heroic _Carter_ hailed as Jeddak of Jeddaks, which sounds
+eminently satisfactory, though without conveying any definite promise
+of finality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Knight._ "LET'S SEE. WE HAVE ALREADY OVERCOME THE
+CHIEF JAILER AND HIS TEN ASSISTANTS, AND SLAIN THE FEARSOME HOUND
+WHICH GUARDED THE COURTYARD. WE HAVE NOW TO DESTROY THE ONE-EYED GIANT
+AND THE BEAN-FED DRAGON, SCALE THE OUTER WALL, SWIM THE MOAT AND THEN
+TO HORSE. COURAGE, SWEET LADY! YOU ARE PRACTICALLY SAVED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Do Poultry Pay?=
+
+    "Six Hens for sale, some laying 7s. each."--_Local Paper._
+
+You will find three of them as good as a guinea-fowl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But the germ of Socialism or BZolshevism--however you like to
+    call it--has hardly entered the Polish working-class blood."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+We fear, however, that it has got into our contemporary's
+composing-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 116 corrected Typo: changed "Encylopædia" to "Encyclopædia".
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
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+<pre>
+
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, August 11, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2006 [EBook #19151]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+</pre>
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page101" id="page101"></a>[pg 101]</span>
+
+<h1>PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1>
+
+<h2>VOL. 159.</h2>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+<h3>August 11th, 1920.</h3>
+
+<hr class="full" />
+
+
+<h4>CHARIVARIA.</h4>
+
+
+<p>"We doubt," says a contemporary,
+"if the Government has effected much
+by refusing to let Dr. <span class="sc">Mannix</span> land on
+Irish shores." We agree. What is
+most wanted at the moment is that the
+Government should land on Ireland.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>We feel that the time is now ripe for
+somebody to pop up with the suggestion
+that the wet summer has been
+caused by the shooting in Belfast.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Manchester City Council has decided
+to purchase the famous Free
+Trade Hall for the sum of ninety
+thousand pounds. A thorough search
+for the Sacred Principles of Liberalism,
+which are said to be concealed somewhere
+in the basement,
+will be undertaken as
+soon as the property
+changes hands.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There is no truth
+in the report that
+Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>,
+after listening to the
+grand howl of the
+Wolf Cubs at Olympia,
+declared that it was
+a very tame affair for
+anyone used to listening
+to Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Kangaroos and
+wallabies," says a
+Colonial journalist,
+"are about the only
+things that the Australian
+sportsman can
+chase." Members of
+the M.C.C. team declare
+that they expect
+to change all that.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Reports that the gold had been removed
+from the Bank of Ireland to this
+country for the sake of safety have caused
+consternation in Dublin. There was
+always a possibility, the Irish say,
+that the Sinn Feiners might not lay
+hands on the stuff, but there isn't one
+chance in a hundred of it getting past
+Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p><i>À propos</i> of the growing reluctance
+on the part of railway servants to take
+tips from holiday-makers, it appears
+that they are merely following the
+example set by the higher officials. We
+have positive information that only a
+week or so since Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> flatly
+refused to take a tip from <i>The Daily
+Mail</i>.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>While approving in principle of the
+proposal that the finger-prints of all
+children should be registered, Government
+officials point out that the expense
+would certainly be out of all proportion
+to the advantage obtained, in
+view of the prevailing high prices of
+jam.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>There is just this one consolation
+about the weather of late. So far the
+Government have not placed a tax on
+rain.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Soldiers are very dissatisfied with
+the way in which ex-service men are
+now being treated," states a Sunday
+paper. We understand that, if this dissatisfaction
+should spread, Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill</span>
+may call upon the Army to resign.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>After exhaustive experiments Signor
+<span class="sc">Marconi</span> has failed to obtain any wireless
+message from Mars. Much anxiety
+is being felt by those persons having
+friends or mining shares there.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The youngest son of Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>
+is learning to play golf. It is hoped by
+this plan to keep his mind off thoughts
+of a political career.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A reader living in Aberdeen informs
+us that the last batch of Scotch refugees
+arrived from England last Thursday in
+an exhausted condition.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>"Cats are very poor swimmers," states
+a writer in a weekly journal. This no
+doubt accounts for the exceptionally
+high infantile mortality among these
+domestic pets.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Last week a wedding at Ibstock,
+Leicestershire, had to be postponed
+after the ceremony had already begun,
+owing to the failure of the Registrar to
+appear. It was not until the best
+man, who denied having mislaid the
+Registrar, had been thoroughly searched
+that the ceremony was abandoned.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A burglar accused of stealing sixteen
+volumes of classical poetry was sentenced
+to a month's imprisonment. The
+defence that he was insane was evidently
+ignored.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>The Westminster magistrate, the
+other day, described a prisoner as "a
+very clever thief." It is said that the
+fellow intends printing this testimonial
+on his letter-paper.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A man knocked down by a racing
+motorist in New York is reported to
+have had both legs
+and an arm fractured,
+several ribs broken,
+and other injuries.
+Motorists in this
+country incline to the
+theory that it was the
+work of an amateur.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A Swiss guide recently
+discovered a
+chamois within sixty
+feet of the summit of
+the Jungfrau. Only
+on receiving the most
+explicit assurance that
+the Fourth Internationale
+would not be
+held at Grindelwald
+would the creature
+consent to resume its
+proper place in the
+landscape.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>According to the
+conductor of the Southern Syncopated
+Orchestra the modern fox-trot has been
+evolved from a primitive negro dance
+called "The Blues." The theory that
+the Blues are the logical outcome of a
+primitive negro dance called the fox-trot
+is thus exploded.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>A gentleman advertises for an island
+for men who are fed up with taxation.
+We can only say that Great Britain is
+just the very place.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/101.png"><img src="images/101-600.png" width="600" height="409" alt="Now, who on earth might those people be, Donald, dressed like tourists?" /></a>
+<p><i>The Laird.</i> <span class="sc">"Now, who on earth might those people be, Donald, dressed like tourists?"</span></p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"In some ways the American woman, it
+must be confessed, can give we English points
+on good dressing."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>She might now extend her beneficence
+and include some points on syntax.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"The clergy had to work far more than
+forty-eight hours per day, but their pay was
+quite inadequate."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We don't see how it would be possible
+to give adequate remuneration for such
+a feat.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page102" id="page102"></a>[pg 102]</span>
+
+
+<h3>IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY.</h3>
+
+<p>I was greatly pained to read, the
+other day, in one of our leading dailies
+a most violent and uncalled-for attack
+on a popular favourite. Perhaps I
+should say one who <i>was</i> popular, for,
+alas, favourites have their day, and no
+doubt this attack was but to demolish
+the reputation of the setting star and
+enhance that of a rising one. Still it
+was unnecessarily churlish; it criticised
+not only the colour of her complexion,
+the exuberance of her presence,
+but her very name was held up to ridicule,
+the fault surely of her god-parents.</p>
+
+<p>There has been, not unnaturally,
+quite a sensation in her circle over
+this attack; Papa Gontier and Maman
+Cochet clasped each other's hands in
+sympathy and said, "What will people
+say next of <i>us</i>, a respectable and time-honoured
+old couple, if they flout pretty
+popular little Dorothy Perkins?" "Of
+course, if people who live in a brand-new
+red-brick villa choose to invite
+Dorothy into their garden, one can't
+expect her to look her best; but, after
+all, there's only that languishing Stella
+Gray who can stand such a trial as that,
+and perhaps the stout Frau Druschki."
+"She, poor thing, is quite out of favour
+just now&mdash;hardly mentioned in polite
+society. Quite under a cloud; in fact
+a greeting from Teplitz is the only
+one she gets." "Now William Allen
+Richardson (there's a ridiculous long
+name, if you like!) was saying only
+yesterday how grateful we should all
+feel to dear Dorothy, who never seems
+to mind the weather and cheers us up
+when all else fails." "I must say I
+don't feel quite sure of William's sincerity,
+he is so very changeable, you
+know, and does not <i>really</i> care to be
+seen in Dorothy's company."</p>
+
+<p>Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messimé
+was quite hanging her head about it
+all. "<i>I</i> live in harmony with <i>all</i> my
+neighbours," she simpered. "Ah, yes,"
+flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing
+manner of hers, "that's very easy to
+do for colourless people." At this
+Caroline Testout turned quite pale and
+stuttered, "Well, Dorothy <i>does</i> scream
+so." "Hush, hush, my children," said
+the deep voice of the venerable Marshal
+Niel. Though yellow with extreme old
+age the old gentleman bore himself
+proudly and his dress was glossy and
+clean. "We all have our place in the
+world. Let carping critics say what
+they please, whether it is Dorothy in
+her gay gown or Liberty in her revolutionary
+wear, our showy American
+cousins, our well-beloved Scotch relations,
+or our Persian guests&mdash;they are
+<i>all</i> welcome, <i>all</i> beautiful." "Hear,
+hear!" murmured the other roses.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Proposals&mdash;Carlyle&mdash;Bismarck&mdash;Disraeli&mdash;A
+New Browning Poem<br />&mdash;Napoleon on Living British Statesmen.</span></h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+[Readers of the vivacious but too reticent
+serial now appearing in <i>The Sunday Times</i>
+may have noticed that the narrative is now
+and then interrupted by a row of what Lord
+<span class="sc">Randolph Churchill</span>, during one of his conversations
+with Mrs. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> and <span class="sc">Jowett</span>,
+called (to the immense delight of the <span class="sc">Master
+of Balliol</span>) "those damned dots." Mr.
+Punch has, at fabulous expense, acquired the
+right to publish certain of the omitted passages,
+a selection of which is appended.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<h4>Many Admirers.</h4>
+
+<p>No sooner was I in my earliest teens
+and had made up my mind as to the
+best cigarettes, than proposals began
+to be a matter of daily occurrence, so
+that whenever I saw the fifth footman
+or the third butler stealthily approaching
+me I knew that he was concealing
+a <i>billet doux</i>. Sometimes they were
+very flattering. Here is one, written
+in the big boyish hand of a Prince of
+the Blood:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+My beautiful, there is no one like you.
+They want me to marry the daughter of a
+royal house, but if you will say "Yes" I will
+defy them. We will be married by the Archbishop,
+who marries and buries so beautifully;
+but I shall never need burying, because those
+who marry you never die.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Poor boy, I had to send him a negative
+by the fifteenth groom in the third
+phaeton, drawn by a pair of dashing
+chestnuts which another of my unsuccessful
+adorers had given me. I noticed
+that when they got back to Grosvenor
+Square the chestnuts had turned to
+greys.</p>
+
+
+<h4>The Sage of Chelsea.</h4>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Thomas Carlyle</span> loved to have me
+trotting in and out of his house in
+Cheyne Row, and we had endless talks
+on the desirability of silence. "Yon
+wee Meg," he used to say, for he refused
+to call me "Margot," declaring it
+was a Frenchified name&mdash;"yon wee
+Meg is the cleverest girl in Scotland&mdash;and
+the wittiest."</p>
+
+<p>I remember once that <span class="sc">Ruskin</span> was
+there too, and we had a little breeze.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ruskin</span> (<i>patronisingly</i>). What do you
+think of the paintings of <span class="sc">Turner</span>?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> He bores me.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Ruskin</span> (<i>drawing in a long breath</i>).
+Bores you?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>with a slow smile</i>). He probably
+bores you too, only you daren't
+admit it.</p>
+
+<p>What would have happened I cannot
+imagine had not dear old <span class="sc">Carlyle</span>
+offered me a draw of his pipe, while remarking
+laughingly, "She's a wonder,
+is Meg; she'll lead the world yet."</p>
+
+<p>One day he asked me what I thought
+of his writing.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> Too jerky and overcharged.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Carlyle</span> (<i>wincing</i>). I must try to
+improve. What is your theory of authorship?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> I think one should assume
+that everything that happens to oneself
+must be interesting to others.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Carlyle</span> (<i>as though staggered by a
+new idea</i>). Why?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>simply</i>). Because oneself is
+so precious, so unique.</p>
+
+<p>I asked him once what he really
+thought of Mrs. <span class="sc">Carlyle</span>, but he
+changed the subject.</p>
+
+
+<h4>Bismarck.</h4>
+
+<p>It was in Berlin, when I was seventeen,
+that I met <span class="sc">Bismarck</span>. It was at
+the Opera, where, being a young English
+girl, I was in the habit of going alone.
+The great Chancellor, who was all unconscious
+that I had penetrated his
+identity, watched me for a long while
+between the Acts and then overtook me
+on my way home and in French asked
+me to supper.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>also in French</i>). But I am
+not hungry.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> In Germany you should
+do as the Germans do and eat always;
+(<i>with emphasis</i>) I do.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>scathingly</i>). I wonder if you
+are aware that I am English?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bismarck</span> (<i>muttering something I
+could not catch about England lying
+crushed at his feet</i>). But you are beautiful
+too! Some day you will be a
+countrywoman of mine.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> How?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> Because we shall make
+war on England and conquer it, and
+it will then be our own and all of you
+will be our people and our slaves. At
+least we should conquer it if&mdash;&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> If what?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> If it were not for a young
+man who will then be Prime Minister.
+It is of him we are afraid.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> What is his name?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Bismarck.</span> <span class="sc">Asquith.</span></p>
+
+<p>Could prescience further go? <span class="sc">Bismarck</span>
+then left me with another ungainly
+effort at French: <i>"Au revoir,
+Mademoiselle."</i> But we never met
+again.</p>
+
+<h4>Disraeli's Last Days.</h4>
+
+<p>I was with <span class="sc">Disraeli</span> (who was one
+of the few men who did not propose to
+me) not long before the end, and he
+gave me many confidences, although
+he knew all about my friendship with
+<span class="sc">Gladstone</span>. But then I have always
+chosen my friends impartially from all
+the camps. My exact memory enables
+me to repeat my last conversation with
+<span class="sc">Dizzy</span> word for word:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot.</span> You look tired. Shall I
+dance for you?</p>
+
+<p class="author">(<i>Continued on page 104</i>).</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page103" id="page103"></a>[pg 103]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/103.png"><img src="images/103-600.png" width="600" height="369" alt="I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR THE LADY." /></a>
+<h4>THE REAL MUSIC.</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">John Bull</span>. "I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR THE LADY."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page104" id="page104"></a>[pg 104]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/104.png"><img src="images/104-600.png" width="600" height="425" alt="... settin' in the rain all day guardin' a tin o' worms" /></a>
+<p><i>The Wife (bitterly)</i>. "<span class="sc">Yes, it makes a nice outin'
+for me, don't it&mdash;settin' in the rain all day guardin' a tin o' worms?</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dizzy</span>. No, no.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span> (<i>brightly</i>). Let us be sensible
+and talk frankly about your approaching
+death. Have you any views as to your
+biography?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dizzy</span>. Need there be one?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. Of course.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dizzy</span> (<i>earnestly</i>). Would you write
+it? You would be so discreet.</p>
+
+<p>I had to refuse, but I am sure I
+could have made a more amusing job
+of it than <span class="sc">Mr. Buckle</span> has done, in
+spite of the love-letters. What a pity
+they didn't entrust it to my dear
+<span class="sc">Edmund Gosse</span>!</p>
+
+<h4>A Browning Poem.</h4>
+
+<p>Here is a little poem that <span class="sc">Browning</span>
+wrote for me on hearing me say that
+when we were girls "we did not know
+the meaning of the word 'fast'":&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>We all of us worship our Margot,</p>
+<p>She's such a determined <i>escargot</i>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<h4>Talks with the Dead.</h4>
+
+<p>The great <span class="sc">Napoleon</span> had died many
+years before I was born; and how unjust
+it is that the lives of really interesting
+people should not coincide!
+But with the assistance of my beloved
+<span class="sc">Oliver Lodge</span> I have had many conversations
+with him. Our first opened
+in this manner:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. Do you take any interest
+in current English politics?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>. <i>Oui</i> (Yes).</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. What do you think of
+<span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>. An opportunist on horseback.</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Margot</span>. I love riding too. I met
+most of my friends in the hunting-field.
+You should have seen me cantering into
+the hall of our town mansion. Who
+do you think our greatest statesman?</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Napoleon</span>. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> beyond a doubt.</p>
+
+<p>Both <span class="sc">Plato</span> and <span class="sc">Julius Cæsar</span>,
+whom my beloved <span class="sc">Oliver</span> has also introduced
+to me, said the same thing.</p>
+
+<p class="author">E. V. L.</p>
+
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>FLOWERS' NAMES.</h3>
+
+<h4><span class="sc1">Solomon's Seal</span>.</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, lordly was <span class="sc">King Solomon</span></p>
+<p class="i2">A-stepping down so proud,</p>
+<p>With his negro slaves and dancing girls</p>
+<p class="i2">And all his royal crowd;</p>
+<p>His peacocks and his viziers,</p>
+<p class="i2">His eunuchs old and grey,</p>
+<p>His gallants and his chamberlains</p>
+<p class="i2">And glistening array.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, blithesome was <span class="sc">King Solomon</span></p>
+<p class="i2">That burning summer day</p>
+<p>When lo! a humble shepherdess</p>
+<p class="i2">Stood silent in his way;</p>
+<p>Then stepped down kingly <span class="sc">Solomon</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">And proud and great stepped he,</p>
+<p>And there he kissed the shepherdess&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Kissed one and two and three.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then proudly turned the peasant-maid&mdash;</p>
+<p class="i2">Pale as a ghost was she&mdash;</p>
+<p>"For all ye are <span class="sc">King Solomon</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">What make ye here so free?"</p>
+<p>Oh, lordly laughed <span class="sc">King Solomon</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">"Shalt be my queen," quoth he;</p>
+<p>"These kisses pledged <span class="sc">King Solomon</span></p>
+<p class="i2">And sealéd him to thee."</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Then on went splendid <span class="sc">Solomon</span></p>
+<p class="i2">And all his glittering band,</p>
+<p>And the wondering white peasant-girl</p>
+<p class="i2">He led her by the hand;</p>
+<p>But in that place sprang flower-stems</p>
+<p class="i2">All green, for kingly pride,</p>
+<p>With the small white kisses hanging down</p>
+<p class="i2">With which he sealed his bride.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<hr />
+  </div>  </div>
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page105" id="page105"></a>[pg 105]</span>
+
+
+<h3>SQUATTERS.</h3>
+
+<p>Ursula came into the study, carrying
+something that had once been a photograph,
+but which the ravages of time
+had long since reduced to a faded and
+almost indecipherable problem.</p>
+
+<p>"Dear," she said, "you know this
+portrait of Clara's boy, the one in the
+sailor suit, from my writing-table? I
+was looking at it just now&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>I interrupted her (it really was one
+of my rushed mornings). "I've been
+looking at it any time these fifteen
+years," I observed bitterly, "watching
+it become every day more and more
+fly-blown and like nothing on earth.
+What entitles it to special notice at
+this moment?"</p>
+
+<p>"Nothing&mdash;much," said Ursula; but
+from the tone of her voice experience
+taught me that sentiment was only
+just out of sight. "I was wondering
+whether to burn it&mdash;&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Good."</p>
+
+<p>"And then I thought that, as he was
+married the other day and is quite
+likely to have a boy of his own, it
+would be interesting to compare this
+early portrait."</p>
+
+<p>"It would," I assented grimly. Perhaps
+disappointment had made me
+brutal. "There's almost nothing, from
+the Alps at midnight to Royalty down
+a coalmine, with which it would not be
+equally safe and appropriate to compare
+it. Only, as I gather that this
+involves its continued existence for a
+further indefinite period, my one request
+is that in the meantime you
+remove it. Shut it in the safe. Bury
+it. But don't leave it about."</p>
+
+<p>"Aren't you being rather excited
+about nothing?"</p>
+
+<p>"No. This is a matter of principle,
+and I am speaking for your own good.
+Fifteen years ago that photograph, unframed
+and in the first flush of youth,
+was casually deposited on your writing-table.
+Perhaps you only meant to put
+it out of your hand for a moment while
+you attended to something else. But
+you know what the result has been. It
+has remained there, gradually establishing
+a prescriptive right. No doubt it
+has been dusted, with the rest of the
+room, seven times a week...."</p>
+
+<p>"Six times," said Ursula, smiling,
+but blushing a little too&mdash;I was glad
+to observe that.</p>
+
+<p>"... and as often been replaced. Its
+charm for the observant visitor has,
+to put the thing mildly, long since
+vanished. I doubt if either of us would
+so much as see it had it not attained
+for me the fascination of an eye-sore.
+Yet it stays on, simply because no one
+has the initiative to take action. To
+put it concisely, it is a squatter."</p>
+
+<p>"Don't be ridiculous."</p>
+
+<p>"I was never more serious in my
+life. This speckled travesty, this photographic
+mummy, is but one example
+out of many. I do not know whether
+other homes resemble ours in the same
+tendency towards the mausoleum. But
+I strongly suspect it."</p>
+
+<p>"What things are there besides
+this?" broke out Ursula, suddenly defensive.
+"Tell me a list of them."</p>
+
+<p>"You forget, sweetheart, that as a
+professional literary man my time,
+especially in the morning, has a certain
+commercial value, but I will endeavour
+to do as you ask. You would of
+course justly repudiate any comparison
+between your own artistic setting and
+those Victorian houses wherein the
+'drawing-room book' reposed always
+in the same sacred corner. Yet in
+the matter of derelict articles we are
+millionaires, we are beset by squatters."</p>
+
+<p>I could see that Ursula was impressed,
+though she tried to conceal the
+fact. "Professional literary men seem
+to be strangely under the dominion of
+one word," she began coldly.</p>
+
+<p>At that moment a bell tinkled.</p>
+
+<p>"Eliza!" cried Ursula; "and I'm not
+dressed." As she fluttered from the
+room I had a distinct impression that
+she was not sorry for an excuse to
+break off the interview.</p>
+
+<p>I re-settled myself at my desk, smiling
+a little cynically. How long would the
+lesson last? Then I happened to
+glance towards the mantelpiece, beside
+which Ursula had been standing.
+There, hastily propped against the
+clock, was that detestable photograph.
+It still quivered in the movement of
+release, as though shaking its shoulders,
+settling down palpably for another decade.
+With an uncontrollable impulse
+I leapt up, seized the abomination and,
+flinging it on the floor, ground it to
+powder with my heel.</p>
+
+<p>In one word, the anti-squatting campaign
+had definitely begun.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. E.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/105.png"><img src="images/105-415.png" width="415" height="450" alt="Wot! In me dinner-hour? Not me!" /></a>
+<p><i>Navvy.</i> "<span class="sc">Why don't yer wear them boards the right way round</span>?"</p>
+<p><i>Sandwichman.</i> "<span class="sc">Wot! In me dinner-hour? Not me!</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Some five or six million years hence,
+therefore, it is prophesied, the earth will fall
+into the grip of an ice age. There will descend
+on all living things the blight of eternal cod."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Scotch Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Although the danger is not immediate
+it deserves the serious consideration of
+the <span class="sc">Food Controller</span>.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page106" id="page106"></a>[pg 106]</span>
+
+
+
+
+<h3>SQUISH.</h3>
+
+<h4><i>(Being some notes on a bye-path in politics.)</i></h4>
+
+
+<p>The Board of Agriculture has been biding its time. In
+the fierce light of publicity which has been beating of late
+upon Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span> and Sir
+<span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span> the attempt of this rustic Ministry to assert
+itself has passed almost unnoticed. Our gaze has been
+fixed upon the London railway termini, upon Warsaw and
+upon Belfast; we have been neglecting Campden (Glos.).
+Yet in that town, I read, "the Ministry of Agriculture has
+completed arrangements for a commercial course in the
+State Fruit and Vegetable College to instruct students in
+the manufacture of preserved fruit products."</p>
+
+<p>I have considered the last part of the sentence quoted
+above very carefully in the light of the Rules and Regulations
+governing procedure in State Departments, Magna
+Carta, the Habeas Corpus Act and the Constitutions of
+Clarendon, and have come to the conclusion that it means
+"making jam." I am very sure, as the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>
+would say, that things are about to happen in preserved
+fruit products; things will become very much worse and
+very much sterner in jam. And if in jam why then also
+in jelly and in marmalade. Even at this moment in the
+offices of the Board of Agriculture there are a number of
+clerks, I suppose, sitting with schedules in front of them,
+something like this:&mdash;</p>
+
+
+<table align="center" border="1" summary="list">
+
+<tr>
+       <td width="11%">&nbsp;</td>
+       <td class="left1" width="17%">No. of candidates in training in</td>
+       <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates awaiting training in</td>
+       <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates fully trained</td>
+       <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates trained but not full</td>
+       <td class="left1" width="16%">No. of candidates full, but not trained</td>
+       <td class="left1" valign="top">&nbsp;Total&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left1"><br />1. Jam<br /><br /></td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left1"><br />2. Jelly<br /><br /></td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left1"><br />3.&nbsp;Marmalade&nbsp;<br /><br /></td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+<tr>
+       <td class="left1"><br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Total<br /><br /></td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+       <td>&nbsp;</td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+
+<p>The perfect beauty of schedules framed upon this model
+is only to be apprehended by those who realise that when
+they are filled in and added up correctly the figure at the
+base of the vertical "Total" column on the right is identical
+with the figure on the right of the horizontal "Total"
+column at the base. It is the haunting magic of this fact
+that gives to Government clerks the wistful far-away look
+which they habitually wear.</p>
+
+<p>It is not a good schedule this, of course&mdash;not a complete,
+not an exhaustive one. After a month or so it will be discovered
+with a cry of astonishment that no record has
+been kept of the number of candidates who are being
+trained in jam or jelly (combined) but not in marmalade, in
+jelly and marmalade (combined) but not in jam, and in jam
+and marmalade (combined) but not in jelly. And so a new
+and a greater schedule will have to be compiled. But even
+after that for a long time no one will notice that nothing
+has been said about the number of candidates who are being
+trained in jam and jelly and marmalade all combined and
+mashed up together, as they are at a picnic on the sands.</p>
+
+<p>Of the many debatable issues raised by this new Government
+project, in so far as it affects the spheres of jelly and
+jam, I do not propose to speak now; I prefer to confine my
+attention for the moment to the fruit product which touches
+most nearly the home breakfast-table&mdash;namely, marmalade.</p>
+
+<p>There are three schools of thought in marmalade. There
+are those who like the dark and very runny kind with large
+segments or wedges of peel. There are those who prefer
+a clear and jellified substance with tiny fragments of peel
+enshrined in it as the fly is enshrined in amber. And
+there are some, I suppose, who favour a kind of glutinous
+yellow composition, neither reactionary nor progressive, but
+something betwixt and between. There can be very little
+doubt which kind of marmalade the State Marmalade
+School will produce.</p>
+
+<p>And then, mark you, one fine day the President of the
+Board of Agriculture will turn round and issue a <i>communiqué</i>
+to the Press like this:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>"Preferential treatment in the supply of sugar for the
+purpose of conducting the processes of manufacture of fruit
+products will henceforward be given to those who possess
+the Campden diploma for proficiency in the conduct of the
+above-named processes."</p>
+
+<p>And where is your freedom then? Cooks and housewives
+will be condemned either to make State marmalade or to
+make no marmalade at all. Personally I am inclined to
+think that the President of the Board of Agriculture will
+go further than this. I think that encouragement will be
+given to those who take the State Marmalade course to
+follow it up with a subsidiary or finishing course of wasp
+treatment.</p>
+
+<p>And in wasp treatment also there are three schools.
+There is what is called the <span class="sc">Churchill</span> school, which hits
+out right and left with an infuriated spoon. Then there is
+the <span class="sc">Montagu</span> school, which takes no provocative action,
+but sits still and says, "They won't sting you if you don't
+irritate them;" it says this especially when they are flying
+round somebody else's head. And lastly there is the
+Medium school, which, choosing the moment when the
+wasp is busily engaged, presses it down gently and firmly
+into the marmalade, so that the last spoonfuls of the dish
+are not so much a fruit product as a kind of entomological
+preserve. The last way, I think, will be the State way of
+dealing with wasps, and a reward will probably be offered
+for the stings of all wasps embalmed on Coalition lines.</p>
+
+<p>The electorate has stuck to the Government through the
+Peace Treaty, through Mesopotamia, through Ireland and
+through coal. Can it stick to them, is what I ask, through
+marmalade?</p>
+
+<p class="author"><span class="sc">Evoe.</span></p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3><i>MENS CONSCIA MALI</i>.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The lightning flashed and flickered, roared the thunder,</p>
+<p class="i2">Down came the rain, and in the usual way</p>
+<p>Pavilionward we sped to sit and wonder</p>
+<p class="i4">Was this the end of play.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>In scattered groups my comrades talked together,</p>
+<p class="i2">Their disappointment faded bit by bit,</p>
+<p>So soothing can it be to tell the weather</p>
+<p class="i4">Just what you think of it.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But I&mdash;I sat aloof as one distressed by</p>
+<p class="i2">A painful tendency to droop and wilt;</p>
+<p>Though none suspected it, I was oppressed by</p>
+<p class="i4">A conscience charged with guilt.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>I watched the pitch become a sodden pulp, a</p>
+<p class="i2">Morass, a sponge, a lake, a running stream,</p>
+<p>What time a sad repentant <i>Mea culpa</i></p>
+<p class="i4">Was all my musing's theme.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Mine was the cricket sin too hard to pardon</p>
+<p class="i2">In one whose age should carry greater sense;</p>
+<p>On Friday night I'd watered all the garden,</p>
+<p class="i4">Thus tempting Providence.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<blockquote>
+<p>"Mr. &mdash;&mdash; asserted that the Russian people would be permitted
+'untrammelled to pork out their own salvation.'"</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+<p>And why not the Irish people too?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page107" id="page107"></a>[pg 107]</span>
+<h4>THE MAN WHO <span class="uline">WOULD</span> GET TO THE SEASIDE.</h4>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-1-600.png" width="600" height="210" alt="Trains full." /></a>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Trains full</span>.</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-2-600.png" width="600" height="196" alt="Charabanks full." /></a>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Charabanks full</span>.</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<table align="center" summary="list">
+<tr>
+       <td><a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-3-362.png" width="362" height="203" alt="Aeroplanes full." border="0" /></a>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc" style="font-size:0.9em;">Aeroplanes full</span>.</p></td>
+       <td><a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-4-219.png" width="219" height="203" alt="The Last Resource." border="0" /></a>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc" style="font-size:0.9em;">The Last Resource</span>.</p></td>
+</tr>
+</table>
+
+<br /><br />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/107.png"><img src="images/107-5-600.png" width="600" height="194" alt="Sea, Sand and full." /></a>
+<p class="center"><span class="sc">Sea, Sand and Hotels full</span>.</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page108" id="page108"></a>[pg 108]</span>
+
+
+<h3>THE COUNTER-IRRITANT</h3>
+
+<p>Most men have a hobby. Timbrell-Timson's
+is to bear on his narrow
+shoulders the burden of Middle Europe.
+He calls it Mittel-Europa. Lately he
+has been sharing his burden with me.</p>
+
+<p>"You know," he said, frowning&mdash;he
+always frowns, because of the burden&mdash;"I
+am rather uneasy about the Czecho-Slovaks."</p>
+
+<p>"I'm not too comfortable about them
+myself," I said truthfully.</p>
+
+<p>"There seems to be a certain lack of
+stability about their new constitution,"
+said T.-T., "a&mdash;a&mdash;a&mdash;what shall I
+say?"</p>
+
+<p>"A&mdash;er&mdash;um&mdash;a," I put in.</p>
+
+<p>"Exactly; just so," said T.-T. He
+then got into his stride and gave me
+twenty minutes' Czecho-Slovakism
+when I was dying to discover whether
+<span class="sc">Hobbs</span> had scored his two-millionth
+run.</p>
+
+<p>As T.-T. talked my mind wandered
+away into regions of its own&mdash;Aunt
+Jane's rheumatic gout, my broken niblick,
+the necessity for getting my hair
+cut. But sub-consciously I reserved a
+courteous minimum of attention for
+T.-T., and said, "H'm" and "Ha" with
+decent frequency. He went on and on,
+shedding several ounces of the burden.
+I decided that Aunt Jane ought to have
+a shot at Christian Science.</p>
+
+<p>"... very much the same plight as
+the Poles," said T.-T., emerging from a
+cloud of Czecho-Slovakism and pausing
+to clear his meagre throat.</p>
+
+<p>I felt it was up to me. "Of course,"
+I said, "the Poles don't strike one as
+being&mdash;er&mdash;very&mdash;that is&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Precisely. They are not," said T.-T.,
+as I knew he would. "But I am very
+relieved to see that M. Grabski...."</p>
+
+<p>This was something new and sounded
+amusing. "Grabski?" I said. "What's
+happened to dear old&mdash;"I mean, I thought
+M. Paderewski was&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"I am referring to the recent Spa
+Conference," said T.-T. severely.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course, how silly of me," I murmured.</p>
+
+<p>T.-T. gave me another twenty minutes
+of Poland. Then he released me, with
+a final word of warning against putting
+too much faith in M. Daschovitch. I
+promised I wouldn't.</p>
+
+<p>T.-T. shook me cordially.by the hand
+and said, "It has been a pleasure to
+talk to such a sympathetic listener."</p>
+
+<p>What led me to revolt was T.-T.'s
+hat-trick. Three evenings in succession
+he unloaded on me chunks of the burden.
+Probably he thought the third time
+made it my own property.</p>
+
+<p>I asked advice from Brown, a man
+of commonsense.</p>
+
+<p>"During the Great War," said Brown,
+"I went down with pneumonia. They
+painted my chest yellow, and, when I
+asked the Sister why, she said it was a
+counter-irritant. That's what you want
+to use now, my lad. Stand up to your
+little friend and beat him at his own
+game."</p>
+
+<p>"But how?" I said. "I can't. What
+he doesn't know about the gentle Czech
+isn't worth a cussovitch."</p>
+
+<p>"Cultivate a counter-burden," said
+Brown, "and make him eat it as he has
+made you eat his."</p>
+
+<p>When I left Brown it was decided
+that I was henceforth to be an authority
+on Mittel-Afrika. The next evening I
+was purposely unoccupied in a corner
+of the smoking-room when T.-T. came
+in, frowning and bowed down by his
+burden, to which apparently I had
+brought no relief.</p>
+
+<p>"Well, to-day's news from Mittel-Europa
+is hardly&mdash;" he began.</p>
+
+<p>"Scarcely glanced at it," I said. "I
+was so busy with the news from Mittel-Afrika&mdash;Abyssinia,
+in fact."</p>
+
+<p>T.-T. looked surprised, partly, no
+doubt, because he knew as well as I
+did that Abyssinia is nowhere near the
+middle of Africa. Then he gained balance
+and reopened with the remark that
+"The ineradicable weakness of the
+Czecho-Slovak is&mdash;"</p>
+
+<p>"Just what I feel about the Ethiopians,"
+I said.</p>
+
+<p>"Of course there is in the Czecho a
+fundamental&mdash;" began T.-T. once
+more.</p>
+
+<p>"Not half so fundamental as in the
+Abyssinians," I said promptly.</p>
+
+<p>T.-T. was puzzled but obstinate. The
+burden, I think, was rather bad that
+evening. He tried me with Grabski
+and got as far as saying that he had
+little respect for that gentleman's antecedents.</p>
+
+<p>I broke in by comparing Grabski's
+antecedents with the antecedents of
+B'lumbu, the Abyssinian Deputy Under-secretary
+of the Admiralty, much to the
+detriment of the latter. Then I launched
+out into a long and startling <i>exposé</i> of
+what I called the Swarthy Peril. I
+told T.-T. that the Ethiopians ate their
+young, and warned him that, unless he
+was careful, they would soon be over here
+devouring his own spectacled progeny.
+I told him about the Ethiopic secret
+plans for the invasion of Mexico as a
+stepping-stone to the subjugation of
+Mittel-Amerika. I hinted that Abyssinian
+spies were everywhere&mdash;that
+even one of the club waiters was not
+above suspicion.</p>
+
+<p>For thirty-five minutes I held T.-T.
+in his chair (may the Abyssinian gods
+forgive me!). After the first three
+minutes he forgot his burden and never
+a word spake he.</p>
+
+<p>Then I released him with a final
+warning against putting any faith at all
+in Gran'slâm, the Abyssinian Assistant
+Foreign Secretary, and as we parted I
+said gratefully, "It has been a pleasure
+to talk to such a sympathetic listener."</p>
+
+<p>I don't think T.-T. really believes
+even now in the Swarthy Peril, but the
+counter-irritant has done its work.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ANOTHER GARDEN OF ALLAH.</h3>
+
+<blockquote class="note"><p class="center">
+[The Metropolitan Water Board announces
+an advance in the Water Rate.]
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I cannot fill the bounteous cup</p>
+<p class="i2">Munificently as of yore</p>
+<p>Because the water's going up</p>
+<p class="i2">(It didn't at Lodore);</p>
+<p>No longer now can I regale</p>
+<p>The canine stranger with a pail</p>
+<p class="i2">Drawn from my cistern's store.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Let Samuel the sunflower die,</p>
+<p class="i2">Let Gerald the geranium fade,</p>
+<p>And all the other plants that I</p>
+<p class="i2">Have hitherto displayed;</p>
+<p>The virgin grass within my plot</p>
+<p>May call for water&mdash;I will not</p>
+<p class="i2">Preserve a single blade.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Henceforth let Claude the cactus dress</p>
+<p class="i2">My garden beds, who bravely grows</p>
+<p>Without a frequent S.O.S.</p>
+<p class="i2">To water-can and hose.</p>
+<p>I've cast these weapons to the void</p>
+<p>And permanently unemployed</p>
+<p class="i2">Is Hildebrand the hose.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Within the house by words and deeds</p>
+<p class="i2">I've run an Anti-Waste Campaign;</p>
+<p>On every tap the legend reads:</p>
+<p class="i2">"Teetotalers, abstain!"</p>
+<p>While on each bath and tub of mine</p>
+<p>I've drawn freehand a <span class="sc">Plimsoll</span> line,</p>
+<p class="i2">Impressionist but plain.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>When upward mount my chops and cheese</p>
+<p class="i2">I fain must bend beneath the blow;</p>
+<p>I have to pay the price for these</p>
+<p class="i2">Whether I will or no.</p>
+<p>But here at least, by dint of thought,</p>
+<p>I feel that I can bring to naught</p>
+<p class="i2">The rise in H<sub>2</sub>O.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>You'll find that I shall keep in check</p>
+<p class="i2">The gross expense of water when</p>
+<p>Domestic <i>nettoyage á sec</i></p>
+<p class="i2">Rules my ancestral den.</p>
+<p>I, unlike Nature, don't abhor</p>
+<p>A "vacuum"&mdash;to clean the floor:</p>
+<p class="i2">In fact I've ordered ten.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"At Bremen ... the crowd seized the stalls
+in the market, and sold the goods at prices
+between 100 and 200 per cent. lower than the
+prices demanded."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>The correspondent who sends us the
+above cutting demands similar reductions
+in English markets in order
+that he may live within his income of
+<i>minus</i> two pounds a week.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page109" id="page109"></a>[pg 109]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/109.png"><img src="images/109-600.png" width="600" height="400" alt="INCORRIGIBLES." /></a>
+<h4>INCORRIGIBLES</h4>.
+<p>"<span class="sc">Excuse me, Sir&mdash;I'm down here for a rest cure, and not allowed to look
+at a newspaper. Perhaps you wouldn't mind telling me what Kaffirs stood at yesterday</span>?"</p>
+<p>"<span class="sc">Sorry I can't oblige you. I've sworn off newspapers myself. This is
+<i>The Shrimpton Courier</i> for February 12 that
+my landlady wrapped my sandwiches in</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE BEGINNER.</h3>
+
+<p>Six months ago Maurice Gillstone's
+flat was the home of unrest. Maurice
+was one of those authors who tire of
+their creations before completion. He
+would get an idea, begin to write and
+then turn to some other theme.</p>
+
+<p>It made the domestic atmosphere
+difficult. You would go to call on the
+Gillstones and find them plunged in
+despair. Maurice would gaze at you
+with a wild unseeing eye, pass his
+hand through his dishevelled hair,
+mutter "The inspiration has left me,"
+and fling himself into a chair and
+groan. Mrs. Maurice would burst into
+tears.</p>
+
+<p>The flat was strewn with fragments
+of manuscripts. Plays, novels, poems
+(none finished) littered the rooms in profusion;
+a brilliant but isolated Scene I.,
+stray opening chapters of novels, detached
+prologues of mighty epics.</p>
+
+<p>"His beginnings are wonderful,"
+Mrs. Maurice would wail between her
+sobs; "keen critics and men of the
+most delicate literary taste rave over
+them; but if he can't finish them,
+what's the use?"</p>
+
+<p>It was very sad.</p>
+
+<p>Then John Edmund Drall, the inventor
+of the non-alcoholic beverage
+which is now a household word and an
+old friend of the Gillstones, came along
+and tried to cure Maurice of his literary
+defect by the sort of ruse one would
+employ on a jibbing horse. He sent
+Maurice a bottle of his Lemonbeer and
+asked him to write an appreciation of
+that noxious fluid.</p>
+
+<p>"I have asked Maurice," Drall confided
+to me, "to scribble a testimonial
+to Lemonbeer. It will kind of break the
+spell, and it wouldn't be Maurice if he
+didn't turn out a perfect gem of literary
+composition. I know my Lemonbeer
+is really good and I know that Maurice
+is extremely appreciative. Maurice is
+under a spell. It must be broken. If
+he can write a complete testimonial he
+will easily finish all those beginnings
+of his." The idea seemed sound.</p>
+
+<p>Well, Maurice drank the Lemonbeer
+and, in spite of an increasing tendency
+to swoon, did begin to write a gem of a
+testimonial. He had, however, written
+but the first four words of it when he
+fainted. These words were "Lemonbeer
+is the best...."</p>
+
+<p>Maurice would do anything for a
+friend, and, as I say, had actually
+written "Lemonbeer is the best ..."
+after drinking a whole bottle of it.</p>
+
+<p>It was Drall's advertisement manager
+who said that in point of selling power
+this testimonial was unsurpassed. "The
+finished completeness of the composition,"
+he said, "shows sheer genius.
+Just four words. A word added or subtracted
+would ruin it."</p>
+
+<p>When Maurice came to and learnt
+how brilliant he had been he simply
+put on his hat and walked round to a
+Film Agency to say that he was prepared
+to write&mdash;and complete&mdash;any
+number of masterpieces. Since that
+day he has never looked back.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">Antique Silver</span>.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. &mdash;&mdash; invites all interested to inspect his
+fine stock which he can offer just new at exceptionally
+low prices."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page110" id="page110"></a>[pg 110]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/110.png"><img src="images/110-600.png" width="600" height="427" alt="Oh, that will do splendidly. It's a very old goat." /></a>
+<p><i>Peggy</i>. "<span class="sc">Please, Miss Judkin, Mummy says will you
+kindly let her have a little brandy for our goat? It's very ill
+and Mummy is afraid it's dying</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Miss Judkin</i>. "<span class="sc">Tell your mother I'm very sorry, but the only
+brandy I've got is very old</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Peggy</i>. "<span class="sc">Oh, that will do splendidly. It's a very old
+goat</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE FAIR.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Look up, my child, the sirens whoop</p>
+<p class="i2">Shrill invitations to the Fair,</p>
+<p>The yellow swing-boats soar and swoop,</p>
+<p class="i2">The Gavioli organs blare;</p>
+<p>Bull-throated show-men, bracken-brown,</p>
+<p>Compete to shout each other down.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Behold the booths of gingerbread,</p>
+<p class="i2">Of nougat and of peppermints,</p>
+<p>The stall of toys where overhead</p>
+<p class="i2">Balloons of gay translucent tints</p>
+<p>Float on the breeze and drift and sway;</p>
+<p>Fruit of a fairy vine are they.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Within this green fantastic grot</p>
+<p class="i2">Bright-coloured balls are danced and spun</p>
+<p>On jets ("'Ere, lovey, 'ave a shot");</p>
+<p class="i2">A gipsy lady tends a gun,</p>
+<p>A very rose of gipsy girls,</p>
+<p>With earrings glinting in her curls.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Will marvels cease? This humble booth</p>
+<p class="i2">Enshrines a dame of royal birth,</p>
+<p>Princess Badrubidure, forsooth,</p>
+<p class="i2">The fattest princess on the earth;</p>
+<p>Come, we will stand where kings have stood,</p>
+<p>And you shall pinch her if you're good.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The brasses gleam, the mirrors flash,</p>
+<p class="i2">How splendid is the Round-About!</p>
+<p>The organ brays, the cymbals clash,</p>
+<p class="i2">The spotted horses bound about</p>
+<p>Their whirling platform, full of beans,</p>
+<p>And country girls ride by like queens.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Professor Battling Bendigo</p>
+<p class="i2">(Ex ten-stone champion of the West)</p>
+<p>Parades the stage before his show</p>
+<p class="i2">And swells his biceps and his chest;</p>
+<p>"Is England's manhood dead and gone?"</p>
+<p>He asks; "Won't no one take me on?"</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>A big drum booms, revolvers crack;</p>
+<p class="i2">Who is this hero that appears,</p>
+<p>A velvet tunic on his back,</p>
+<p class="i2">His whiskers curling round his ears?</p>
+<p>'Tis he who drew the jungle's sting,</p>
+<p class="i2">Diabolo, the Lion King.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Within are birds beyond belief</p>
+<p class="i2">And creatures colourful and quaint:</p>
+<p>Lean dingoes weighed with secret grief</p>
+<p class="i2">And monkey humourists who ain't;</p>
+<p>Bears, camels, pards&mdash;Look up, my dear,</p>
+<p>The wonders of the world are here!</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p class="i24"><span class="sc">Patlander</span>.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"CELLS BELOW ZERO FOR T.B. PATIENTS.</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+Ink in Nurses' Pens Froze when Taking Men's
+Temperature."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Canadian Paper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Personally, we prefer having ours taken
+with a thermometer.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>"<span class="sc">Offences under the Lighting Orders</span>.</h4>
+<blockquote><p>
+&mdash;At Thursday's petty session Emile &mdash;&mdash; was
+paid £1 for having no near side light on his
+motor car."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Local Paper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But ought foreign offenders to be
+favoured in this way?</p>
+
+<hr />
+<blockquote><p>
+"Richmond camp is a scene of bustling
+activity from sunrise to reveille, or 'Taps' as
+the Americans term it."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Evening Paper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>And after that the boy scouts would
+appear to have had a nice long day to
+themselves.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page111" id="page111"></a>[pg 111]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;">
+<a href="images/111.png"><img src="images/111-368.png" width="368" height="450" alt="IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION" /></a>
+<h4>IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION&mdash;</h4>
+<p><span class="sc">Premier</span> (<i>entering Cabinet Council Room</i>). "WHAT&mdash;NOBODY HERE?"</p>
+<p><span class="sc">Butler</span>. "YOU FORGET, SIR. THIS IS PRESS DAY. THE GENTLEMEN ARE ALL FINISHING THEIR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page113" id="page113"></a>[pg 113]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 800px;">
+<a href="images/113.png"><img src="images/113-600.png" width="600" height="383" alt="A LONG PARTNERSHIP." /></a>
+<h4>A LONG PARTNERSHIP.</h4>
+<p><i>Capt. Wedgwood Benn</i> (<i>to Mr. Asquith</i>). "<span class="sc">Isn't it about
+time you took the gloves off and had a go at 'em yourself?</span>"</p>
+<p><i>Top Row</i> (<i>reading from left to right</i>).&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">G. R.
+Thorne</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span>, Sir <span class="sc">Donald Maclean</span>, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Clynes</span>, Gen. <span class="sc">Seely</span>, Col. <span class="sc">Wedgwood</span>.</p>
+<p><i>Middle Row</i>.&mdash;The <span class="sc">Speaker</span>, Lieut.-Commander
+<span class="sc">Kenworthy</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, Mr.
+<span class="sc">Asquith</span>, Capt. <span class="sc">Wedgwood Benn</span>.</p>
+<p><i>Bottom Row</i>.&mdash;Mr. <span class="sc">George Lambert</span>, Mr. <span class="sc">Whitley</span>
+(<i>Chairman of Committees</i>).</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.</h3>
+
+<p><i>Monday, August 2nd.</i>&mdash;The rain that
+drenched the Bank-holiday-makers had
+its counterpart inside the House of
+Commons in the shower of Questions
+arising out of Mr. <span class="sc">Churchill's</span> article
+on the Polish crisis in an evening newspaper.
+Members of various parties
+sought to know whether, when the
+<span class="sc">War Secretary</span> said that peace with
+Soviet Russia was only another form
+of war and apparently invited the
+co-operation of the German militarists
+to fight the Bolshevists, he was expressing
+the views of the Government;
+and if not, what had become of the
+doctrine of collective responsibility?</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> manfully tried
+to shield his colleague from the storm,
+but the effort took all his strength and
+ingenuity, and more than once it seemed
+as if an unusually violent blast would
+blow his umbrella inside out. His
+principal points were that the article
+did not mean what it appeared to say;
+that if it did it was not so much an
+expression of policy as of a "hankering"&mdash;("<span class="sc">Hankering</span>.
+An uneasy craving
+to possess or enjoy something"&mdash;<i>Dictionary</i>);
+that he could not control
+his colleagues' desires or their expression,
+even in a newspaper hostile to the
+Government, so long as they were consistent
+with the policy of the Government;
+and that he was not aware of
+anything in this particular article that
+"cut across any declaration of policy
+by His Majesty's Government."</p>
+
+<p>This does not sound very convincing
+perhaps, but it was sufficient to satisfy
+Members, whose chief anxiety is to get
+off as soon as possible to the country,
+and who voted down by 134 to 32 an
+attempt to move the adjournment.</p>
+
+<p>The <span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span> formally introduced
+a Bill "to make provision for
+the restoration and maintenance of
+order in Ireland." Earlier in the sitting
+the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> had declined
+Mr. <span class="sc">De Valera's</span> alleged offer to accept
+a republic on the Cuban pattern, and
+had reiterated his intention to pass the
+Home Rule Bill after the Recess.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> is a declared
+opponent of both these measures, but
+that did not prevent him from contrasting
+the lightning speed of the
+House when passing coercion for Ireland
+with its snail-like pace when approaching
+conciliation. In fifty years
+it had not given justice to Ireland; it
+was to be asked to give injustice to
+Ireland in fewer hours.</p>
+
+<p><i>Tuesday, August 3rd.</i>&mdash;That genial
+optimist Lord <span class="sc">Peel</span> commended the
+Ministry of Mines Bill as being calculated
+to restore harmony and goodwill
+among masters and men. According
+to Lord <span class="sc">Gainford</span> the best way to
+secure this result is to hand back the
+control of the mines to their owners,
+between whom and the employés, he
+declared, cordial relations had existed
+in the past. Still, the owners would
+work the Bill for what it was worth,
+and hoped the miners would do the
+same. Lord <span class="sc">Haldane</span> said that was
+just what the miners had announced
+their intention of not doing unless they
+were given a great deal more power
+than the Bill proposed. But this lack
+of enthusiasm in no way damped Lord
+<span class="sc">Peel's</span> ardour. Indeed he observed
+that he had "never introduced a Bill
+that was received with any sort of enthusiasm."
+Mollified by this engaging
+candour the Peers gave the Bill a
+Second Reading.</p>
+
+<p>I am glad to record another example
+of Government economy. To Mr. <span class="sc">Gilbert</span>,
+who desired that more sandpits
+should be provided in the London parks
+for the delectation of town-tied children,
+Sir <span class="sc">Alfred Mond</span> reluctantly but
+sternly replied that "in view of the
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page114" id="page114"></a>[pg 114]</span>
+considerable expenditure involved" he
+did not feel justified in adding to the
+existing number of three.</p>
+
+<p>Dumps suggest dolefulness, but the
+debate on the action of the Disposals
+Board in disposing of the accumulations
+at Slough, St. Omer and elsewhere
+was decidedly lively. Mr. <span class="sc">Hope</span>
+led off by attacking the recent report
+of the Committee on National Expenditure,
+and declared that its Chairman,
+though a paragon of truth, was not
+necessarily a mirror of accuracy. The
+Chairman himself (Sir <span class="sc">F. Banbury</span>),
+seated for the nonce upon
+the Opposition Bench, replied
+with appropriate vigour in a
+speech which caused Sir <span class="sc">Gordon
+Hewart</span> to remark that
+the passion for censoriousness
+was not a real virtue,
+but which greatly pleased the
+Labour Party, in acknowledging
+whose compliments
+Sir <span class="sc">Frederick</span> severely
+strained the brim of his tall
+hat.</p>
+
+<p>After these star-turns the
+"walking gentlemen" had
+their chance. Sixteen times
+were they called upon to
+parade the Division Lobbies
+by an Opposition which on
+one occasion registered no
+fewer than fifty-three votes.</p>
+
+<p><i>Wednesday, August 4th.</i>&mdash;One
+of the few Irish institutions
+which all Irishmen
+unite in praising is the mail
+service between Kingstown
+and Holyhead. Even the
+Sinn Feiners would think
+twice before cutting this link
+between England and Ireland.
+Yet, according to Lord
+<span class="sc">Oranmore and Browne</span>, the
+British Post Office has actually
+given notice to terminate
+the contract. He was
+assured, however, by Lord
+<span class="sc">Crawford</span> that tenders for a new contract
+would shortly be invited and that,
+whoever secured it, the efficiency of the
+service would be maintained.</p>
+
+<p>It was nearly eight o'clock before
+the Ministry of Mines came on. Lord
+<span class="sc">Salisbury</span> thought it would be improper
+to consider so important a
+measure after dinner; Lord <span class="sc">Crawford</span>
+thought it would be still more improper
+to suggest that the Peers would not be
+in a condition to transact business after
+that meal. He carried his point, but
+at the expense of the Bill, for Lord
+<span class="sc">Salisbury</span>, returning like a giant refreshed,
+induced their Lordships to
+transform the Minister of Mines into
+a mere Under-Secretary of the Board
+of Trade, thus defeating, according to
+Lord <span class="sc">Peel</span>, the principal purpose of the
+measure.</p>
+
+<p>It was another day of rather small
+beer in the Commons. There were,
+however, one or two <i>dicta</i> of note.
+Thus Sir <span class="sc">Bertram Falk</span>, who was concerned
+because Naval officers received
+no special marriage allowance, was specifically
+assured by Sir <span class="sc">James Craig</span>
+that the Admiralty will not prevent
+men from marrying. I understood,
+however, that it will not recognise a
+wife in every port.</p>
+
+<p><i>Thursday, August 5th.</i>&mdash;With lofty
+disregard of a hundred-and-twenty
+years of history the Duke of <span class="sc">Northumberland</span>
+informed the Peers that
+the present state of Ireland was due to
+Bolshevism. Having diagnosed the
+disease so clearly he ought to have been
+ready with a remedy, but could suggest
+nothing more practical than the holding
+of mass meetings to organise British
+public opinion.</p>
+
+<p>Meanwhile the Commons were engaged
+in rushing through with the aid
+of the "guillotine" a Bill for the restoration
+of order in the distressful
+country. Mr. <span class="sc">Bonar Law</span>, usually so
+accurate, fell into an ancient trap, and
+declared that the Sinn Fein leaders had
+"raised a <i>Frankenstein</i> that they cannot
+control."</p>
+
+<p>Sir <span class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</span> made as good
+a defence of the Bill as was possible in
+the circumstances. But neither he nor
+anybody else could say how courts-martial,
+which are "to act on the
+ordinary rules of evidence," will be successful
+in bringing criminals to justice
+if witnesses refuse to come forward.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">T. P. O'Connor</span> re-delivered the
+anti-coercion speech which he has been
+making off and on for the last forty
+years. Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span> was a little more
+up-to-date, for he introduced a reference
+to the Belfast riots and drew from the
+<span class="sc">Chief Secretary</span> an assurance
+that the Bill would be as
+applicable to Ulster as to the
+rest of Ireland.</p>
+
+<p>Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> denounced the
+Bill with unusual animation,
+and was sure that it would do
+more harm than good. Cromwellian
+treatment needed a
+<span class="sc">Cromwell</span>, but he did not see
+one on the Treasury Bench.
+"<span class="sc">Cromwell</span> yourself!" retorted
+the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>.
+The only unofficial supporter
+of the Bill, and even he "no
+great admirer," was Lord
+<span class="sc">Hugh Cecil</span>; but nevertheless
+the Second Reading was
+carried by 289 to 71.</p>
+
+<p>The House afterwards gave
+a Second Reading to the Census
+(Ireland) Bill, on the principle,
+as Captain <span class="sc">Elliott</span> caustically
+observed, that if you
+can't do anything with the
+people of Ireland you might
+at least find out how many
+of them there are.</p>
+
+<p><i>Friday, August 6th.</i>&mdash;The
+remaining stages of the Coercion
+Bill were passed under
+the "guillotine." Mr. <span class="sc">Devlin</span>
+declared that this was not
+"cricket," and refused to play
+any longer; but it is only fair
+to say that he had not then
+seen our artist's picture.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 380px;">
+<a href="images/114.png"><img src="images/114-352.png" width="352" height="450" alt="... but when I looked at the blessed book I found it was last year's." /></a>
+<p>"<span class="sc">An' when I told 'im in the orfice that me money
+wasn't right, he says, ''Ere 's a ready reckoner&mdash;work
+it out yerself;' an' believe me or believe me not, but
+when I looked at the blessed book I found it was
+last year's.</span>"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"At this stage the Chairman withdrew complaining
+of a head-ache without nominating
+a successor, darkness set in and there were
+no lights. Along with the Chairman some
+forty people also left in a body. What happened
+afterwards is not clear."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Indian Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We don't wonder the reporter was
+baffled.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p><span class="sc">Dear Mr. Punch</span>.<br />&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&mdash;<i>Re</i> the authorship
+of <span class="sc">Shakspeare's</span> plays, may I
+quote from <i>Twelfth Night</i>, Act I.,
+Scene V.? Thank you.</p>
+
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white</p>
+<p>Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+
+<p>This is unquestionably bacon.</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page115" id="page115"></a>[pg 115]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 650px;">
+<a href="images/115.png"><img src="images/115-600.png" width="600" height="393" alt="We plough the fields and scatter ..." /></a>
+<p><i>The Vicar</i> (<i>in a gallant attempt to cover his
+opponent's eloquence</i>) <i>sings</i>. "<span class="sc">We plough the fields and
+scatter</span>&mdash;"</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>ROAD CONDITIONS FOR CHARABANCS.</h3>
+
+<p>The following road information is
+compiled from reports received by the
+Charabanc Defence Association:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>The Lushborough road is good and
+free from obstruction as far as Great
+Boundingley, but from Chatback to
+Wrothley the conditions are unfavourable.
+The bridge one mile south of the
+former place has been occupied by a
+strong force of unfriendly natives, and
+several cases of tarring have been reported.
+There is, however, an alternative
+route <i>viâ</i> Boozeley, but great
+caution is advised in passing through
+Wrothley, passengers being recommended
+to provide themselves with a
+good supply of loose metal before entering
+the village, where most of the houses
+are protected with iron shutters. Helmets
+should not be removed before
+reaching Cadbridge, where there is no
+danger of retaliation.</p>
+
+<p>Bottles may be discharged freely all
+along the Muckley road as far as Ruddiham,
+but caution is needed at Bashfield
+Corner, from which a small band
+of snipers has not yet been dislodged,
+though their ammunition is running
+short. Passengers should be prepared
+to use all the resources of their vocabulary
+at Bargingham, where the inhabitants
+enjoy a well-deserved repute for
+their command of picturesque invective.
+It would be humiliating to the whole
+charabanc confraternity if they were to
+yield their pre-eminence in this branch
+of education to a small rural community.</p>
+
+<p>Thanks to the vigilance of the well-armed
+patrols of the Charabanc Defence
+Association the main roads in East
+Anglia are almost clear of the enemy.
+Caution must still be observed in passing
+through Garningham at night. One
+of the hardiest "charabankers" was
+recently prostrated in that village by a
+well-aimed epithet from the oldest inhabitant.
+A writer in a Norwich paper
+recently described the area within ten
+miles of Whelksham as "a paradise for
+baboon-faced Yahooligans." But these
+futile ebullitions of malice are powerless
+to check the triumphal progress of the
+charabanc in the Eastern Counties.</p>
+
+<p>But no route at present offers more
+favourable or exhilarating opportunities
+to the high-minded excursionist than
+the main Gath road from Scrapston to
+Kinlarry. Excellent sport is afforded
+just outside Stillminster, where Sir John
+Goodfellow's greenhouses are within
+easy bottle-throw of the road and furnish
+a splendid target. On the whole,
+however, it is thought advisable to
+abstain from saluting the neighbouring
+hospital for shell-shock patients with
+a salvo of megaphones, local opinion
+being adverse to such manifestations.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.</h3>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>The Ealing trains run frequently,</p>
+<p class="i2">The Ealing trains run fast;</p>
+<p>I stand at Gloucester Road and see</p>
+<p class="i2">A many hurtling past;</p>
+<p>They go to Acton, Turnham Green,</p>
+<p>And stations I have never seen,</p>
+<p>Simply because my lot has been</p>
+<p class="i2">In other places cast.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>The folk on Ealing trains who ride</p>
+<p class="i2">They, pitying, bestow</p>
+<p>On me a look instinct with pride;</p>
+<p class="i2">But I would have them know</p>
+<p>That, while on Wimbledonian plains</p>
+<p>My humble domicile remains,</p>
+<p><span class="sc">I have no use for Ealing trains</span>,</p>
+<p class="i2">Though still they come and go.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Conversation of the moment in a
+City restaurant:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Regular Customer</span> (<i>looking down
+menu</i>). "Waiter, why is cottage pie
+never on now?"</p>
+
+<p><span class="sc">Waiter</span>. "Well, Sir, since this 'ere
+shortage of 'ouses we ain't allowed to
+make 'em any more."</p>
+
+<hr />
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page116" id="page116"></a>[pg 116]</span>
+
+
+<h3>THE REVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>Written after reading Mr. Francis W.
+<span class="sc1">Galpin's</span> "Old English Instruments
+of Music</i>.")</h4>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>I am no skilful vocalist;</p>
+<p class="i2">I can't control my <i>mezza gola;</i></p>
+<p>I have but an indifferent fist</p>
+<p class="i2">(Or foot) upon the Pianola.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But there are instruments, I own,</p>
+<p class="i2">That fire me with a fond ambition</p>
+<p>To master for their names alone</p>
+<p class="i2">Apart from their august tradition.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>They are the Fipple-Flute, a word</p>
+<p class="i2">Suggestive of seraphic screeches;</p>
+<p>The Poliphant comes next, and third</p>
+<p class="i2">The Humstrum&mdash;aren't they perfect peaches?</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>About their tone I cannot say</p>
+<p class="i2">Much that would carry clear conviction,</p>
+<p>For, till I read of them to-day,</p>
+<p class="i2">I knew them not in fact or fiction.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>As yet I am, alas! without</p>
+<p class="i2">Instruction in the art of fippling,</p>
+<p>Though something may be found about</p>
+<p class="i2">It in the works of <span class="sc">Lear</span> or <span class="sc">Kipling</span>.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>And possibly I may unearth</p>
+<p class="i2">In <span class="sc">Lecky</span> or in <span class="sc">Laurence Oliphant</span></p>
+<p>Some facts to remedy my dearth</p>
+<p class="i2">Of knowledge bearing on the Poliphant.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>But, now their pictures I have seen</p>
+<p class="i2">In <span class="sc">Galpin's</span> learned dissertation,</p>
+<p>So far as in me lies I mean</p>
+<p class="i2">To bring about their restoration.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>Yet since I cannot learn all three</p>
+<p class="i2">And time is ever onward humming,</p>
+<p>My few remaining years shall be</p>
+<p class="i2">Devoted wholly to humstrumming.</p>
+  </div><div class="stanza">
+<p>That, when my bones to rest are laid,</p>
+<p class="i2">Upon my tomb it may be written:</p>
+<p>"He was the very last who played</p>
+<p class="i2">Upon the Humstrum in Great Britain."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+
+<h3>THE SPIDER.</h3>
+
+<p>Lately we had occasion to consider
+the place of the grasshopper in modern
+politics. Now let us consider the place
+of the spider in our social life.</p>
+
+<p>It seems to me that the spider is the
+most accomplished and in some ways
+the most sensible insect we have in
+these parts. In my opinion a great deal
+too much fuss has been made about the
+bee. She is a knowing little thing, but
+the spider is her superior in many ways.
+Yet no one seems to write books or educational
+rhymes about the spider. It
+is really a striking example of the well-known
+hypocrisy and materialism of
+the British race. The bee is held up to
+the young as a model of industry and domestic
+virtue&mdash;and why? Simply because
+she manufactures food which we
+happen to like. The spider is held up
+to the young as the type of rapacity,
+malice and cruelty, on the sole ground
+that he catches flies, though we do not
+pretend that we are fond of flies, and
+conveniently ignore the fact that, if the
+spider did not swat that fly, we should
+probably swat it ourselves.</p>
+
+<p>The real charge against the spider is
+that he doesn't make any food for us.
+As for the virtue and nobility of the bee,
+I don't see it. The only way in which
+she is able to accumulate all that honey
+at all is by massacring the unfortunate
+males by the thousand as soon as she
+conveniently can, a piece of Prussianism
+which may be justified on purely material
+grounds, but is scarcely consistent
+with her high reputation for morality
+and lovingkindness. If it could be shown
+that the bee consciously collected all
+that honey with the idea that we should
+annex it there might be something to
+be said for her on moral grounds; but
+nobody pretends that. Now look at the
+spider. We are told that as a commercial
+product spider-silk has been found
+to be equal if not superior to the best
+silk spun by the Lepidopterous larvæ,
+with whom, of course, you are familiar.
+"But the cannibalistic propensities of
+spiders, making it impossible to keep
+more than one in a single receptacle ... have
+hitherto prevented the silk being
+used ... for textile fabrics." So that
+it comes to this: if spiders are useless
+because they eat each other, the bees
+do much the same thing (only wholesale),
+but it makes them commercially
+useful. The bee therefore we place upon
+a pinnacle of respectability, but the
+spider we despise. Faugh! the hypocrisy
+of it makes me sick. My children
+will be taught to venerate the spider
+and despise the bee.</p>
+
+<p>For, putting aside the question of
+moral values, look what the spider can
+do. What is there in the clammy,
+not to say messy, honey-comb to be
+compared with the delicate fabric of
+the spider's web? Indeed, should we
+ever have given a single thought to
+the honey-comb if it had had no honey
+in it? Do we become lyrical about
+the wasp's comb? We do not. It is a
+case where greed and materialism have
+warped our artistic perceptions. The
+spider can lower itself from the drawing-room
+ceiling to the floor by a silken
+thread produced out of itself. Still
+more marvellous, he can climb up the
+same thread to the ceiling when he is
+bored, winding up the thread inside
+him as he goes, and so making pursuit
+impossible. What can the bee do to
+equal that? And how is it done? We
+don't even know. <i>The Encyclopædia
+Britannica</i> doesn't know; or if it does
+it doesn't let on. But the whole tedious
+routine of the bee's domestic pottering
+day is an open book to us. Ask
+yourself, which would you rather do,
+be able to collect honey and put it in a
+suitable receptacle, or be able to let
+yourself down from the top floor to the
+basement by a silken rope produced out
+of your tummy, and then climb up it
+again when you want to go upstairs,
+just winding up the rope inside you?
+I think you will agree that the spider
+has it. It is hard enough, goodness
+knows, to wind up an ordinary ball of
+string so that it will go into the string-box
+properly. What one would do if
+one had to put it in one's bread-box I
+can't think. When my children grow
+up, instead of learning</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>"How doth the little busy bee ..."</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>they will learn&mdash;</p>
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>How doth the jolly little spider</p>
+<p>Wind up such miles of silk inside her,</p>
+<p>When it is clear that spiders' tummies</p>
+<p>Are not so big as mine or Mummy's?</p>
+<p>The explanation seems to be,</p>
+<p>They do not eat so much as me.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<p>That will point the moral of moderation
+in eating, you see. There will be a lot
+more verses, I expect; I can see <i>cram</i>
+and <i>diaphragm</i> and possibly <i>jam</i> coming
+very soon. But we must get on.</p>
+
+<p>The spider is like the bee in this
+respect, that the male seems to have a
+most rotten time. For one thing he is
+nearly always about two sizes smaller
+than the female. Owing to that and
+to what <i>The Encyclopædia Britannica</i>
+humorously describes as "the greater
+voracity" of the female (there is a lot of
+quiet fun in <i>The Encyclopædia Britannica</i>),
+he is a very brave spider who
+makes a proposal of marriage. "He
+makes his advances to his mate at the
+risk of his life and is not infrequently
+killed and eaten by her before or after"
+they are engaged ("before or after" is
+good). "Fully aware of the danger he
+pays his addresses with extreme caution,
+frequently waiting for hours in her
+vicinity before venturing to come to
+close quarters. Males of the <i>Argyopidæ</i>
+hang on the outskirts of the webs of the
+females and signal their presence to her
+by jerking the radial threads in a peculiar
+manner." This is, of course, the origin
+of the quaint modern custom by which
+the young man rings the bell before attempting
+to enter the web of his beloved
+in Grosvenor Square. Contemporary
+novelists have even placed on record
+cases in which the male has "waited
+for hours in her vicinity before venturing
+to come to close quarters;" but too
+much attention must not be paid to
+these imaginative accounts. If I have
+said enough to secure that in future a
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page117" id="page117"></a>[pg 117]</span>
+little more kindliness and respect will
+be shown to the spider in the nurseries
+of this great Empire, and a little less
+of it wasted on the bee, I have not
+misspent my time.</p>
+
+<p>But I shall not be content. Can we
+not go further? Can we not get a little
+more of the simplicity of spider life
+into this hectic world of ours? In
+these latitudes the spider lives only for
+a single season. "The young emerge
+from the cocoon in the early spring,
+grow through the summer and reach
+maturity in the early autumn. <i>The
+sexes then pair and perish</i> soon after
+the female has constructed her cocoon."
+How delicious! No winter; no
+bother about coal; no worry about the
+children's education; just one glorious
+summer of sport, one wild summer of fly-catching
+and midge-eating, a romantic,
+not to say dangerous wooing, a quiet
+wedding in the autumn, dump the family
+in some nice unfurnished cocoon&mdash;and
+perish. Is there nothing to be said for
+that? How different from the miserable
+bee, which just goes on and on,
+worrying about posterity, working and
+working, fussing about....</p>
+
+<p>Yet all our lives are modelled on the
+bee's.</p>
+
+<p class="author">A. P. H.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/117.png"><img src="images/117-600.png" width="600" height="398" alt="" /></a>
+<p><i>Mr. Meere.</i> "<span class="sc">You'll really have to be more
+careful, dear, how you speak to the cook or she'll be leaving us</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mrs. M.</i> "<span class="sc">Perhaps I was rather severe</span>."</p>
+
+<p><i>Mr. M.</i> "<span class="sc">Severe! Why, anyone would have thought you were talking
+to me</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>DOWN-OUR-COURT CIRCULAR.</h3>
+
+<p>Why should not some of the other
+people, who also enjoy life, have their
+movements recorded too? Like this:&mdash;</p>
+
+<p>During Mr. William Sikes' visit to
+the Devonshire moors Mrs. Sikes will
+remain in town.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. and Mrs. James Harris have
+arrived in London from Southend.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Miss Levi, Miss Hirsch and Master
+Isaacson are among the guests at Victoria
+Park, where some highly successful
+children's parties have been given.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Epping is much in favour just now,
+and a large number of (public) house-parties
+have been arranged. Among
+those entertaining this week are Mr.
+Henry Higgins, Mr. Robert Atkins and
+Mr. John Smith.</p>
+
+<hr class="short" />
+
+<p>Mr. Henry Hawkins, Mrs. Hawkins,
+Mr. Henry Hawkins, junior, and Miss
+Hawkins left town on August 2nd for
+Hampstead Heath, for a day's riding
+and shooting. A large bag of nuts was
+obtained. Mr. Hawkins has not yet
+returned.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote>
+<h4>"LITTLE PROGRESS MADE.</h4>
+<h5>KING  STILL  DEFIANT."</h5>
+<p class="author"><i>Daily Paper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>Oh, dear! Another complication!</p>
+<p>Who is the monarch? Which the nation?</p>
+<p>We breathe again. The Leicester pro.</p>
+<p>Kept up his end four hours or so.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+<blockquote><p>
+"Another of the big round landlords of
+London is selling his estate.</p>
+
+<p>Sir Joseph Doughty Tichborne is selling his
+Doughty Estate of 14 acres."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Evening Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>It recalls the famous case. "The
+Claimant" would certainly have made
+"a big round landlord."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Here then is a new development of serious
+local journalism. Just an unpretentious but
+exceedingly well-printed village sheet, breathing
+local atmosphere, emitting nothing that
+can possibly interest the natives."
+</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Local Paper</i>.</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>But we seem to have seen journals like
+this before.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>From a Dutch bulb-grower's catalogue:&mdash;</p>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Nothing but Inferior quality being sent
+out from my Nurseries. My terms are Cash
+with order only."
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>In matters of commerce this Dutchman
+appears to be maintaining his country's
+reputation.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page118" id="page118"></a>[pg 118]</span>
+
+
+<h3>THE ANNIVERSARY.</h3>
+
+<p>It began as quite an ordinary day.
+I read my paper at breakfast and
+Kathleen poured out the coffee. She
+wore that little frown between her eyebrows
+that means that she is thinking
+out the menu for lunch and dinner and
+hoping that Nurse hasn't burnt Baby's
+porridge again. This is married life.</p>
+
+<p>Then I started in a hurry for the
+office, hurling a "Good-bye, dear"
+through the open window as I passed.
+The 9.15 leaves little time for affection.
+That too is married life.</p>
+
+<p>It was the sweetbriar hedge that
+made me decide to miss the 9.15. It
+clutched hold of me suddenly and told
+me that the sky was very blue and the
+woods very green, and that the office
+was an absurd thing on such a day.</p>
+
+<p>I went slowly back home round the
+outside of the garden wall. Someone
+was singing in the garden. I stopped
+and whistled a tune. A face appeared
+over the wall&mdash;rather an attractive
+face.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello!" it said; "someone I knew
+a long time ago used to whistle that
+tune outside my garden."</p>
+
+<p>"Hello!" I said; "come out for a
+walk?"</p>
+
+<p>"I can't come out at the bidding of
+young men on the highway. It isn't
+done."</p>
+
+<p>"Never mind. Come out."</p>
+
+<p>"Have I ever been introduced to
+you?"</p>
+
+<p>"Introductions went out years ago.
+Come by the side gate."</p>
+
+<p>She came. She held a shady hat in
+her hand and walked on tip-toe.</p>
+
+<p>"Sh!" she cautioned; "no one must
+see me. I have a reputation, you know.
+I don't want the Vicar to denounce me
+from the pulpit on Sunday in front of
+Baby."</p>
+
+<p>"I will be quite frank with you,"
+she went on, holding out her left hand
+with a dramatic flourish; "I am married&mdash;I
+have a husband."</p>
+
+<p>I gave a hollow groan; then, with a
+manly effort, I mastered my emotion.</p>
+
+<p>"I hope he's nice to you," I said.</p>
+
+<p>"No, he isn't. He grouches off to
+the office in the morning and grouches
+back in the evening and reads newspapers.
+He's just grouched off now."</p>
+
+<p>"The callous brute!" I hissed through
+my teeth.</p>
+
+<p>"There's worse than that," she said
+darkly.</p>
+
+<p>"No!"</p>
+
+<p>"Yes. To-day, to-day is an anniversary,
+and he forgot it." The manner
+was that of <span class="sc">Madame Bernhardt</span>.</p>
+
+<p>"Anniversaries," I said reassuringly,
+"are difficult to remember. They accumulate
+so."</p>
+
+<p>"Are you defending him?" she protested.</p>
+
+<p>"Er&mdash;no," I said hastily. "The
+man's an unmitigated scoundrel. He
+ought to be divorced or something.
+What anniversary was it?"</p>
+
+<p>"Our wedding-day," she said with a
+sob in the voice.</p>
+
+<p>"Heavens!" I said. "Oh, the dastardly
+ruffian!"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>You</i> wouldn't forget your wedding-day,
+would you?"</p>
+
+<p>"<i>Never!</i>" I said hoarsely.</p>
+
+<p>"You're quite rather nice," she
+sighed.</p>
+
+<p>"You're adorable," I said readily.</p>
+
+<p>"How lovely! My husband never
+says things like that." And she leant
+against my shoulder.</p>
+
+<p>We got on rather well after that.
+We had lunch in an inn garden, where
+you could smell lavender and sweet
+peas and roses and where there were
+box hedges turned under magical spells
+into giant birds. We discovered a
+stream in a wood with hart's-tongue
+fern growing along its banks. I picked
+her armfuls of wild roses.</p>
+
+<p>"It's to make up," I said, "because
+your brute of a husband forgot your
+wedding-day."</p>
+
+<p>"I'd love to be married to you," she
+said brazenly.</p>
+
+<p>I turned aside to brush away a bitter
+tear.</p>
+
+<p>It was almost dusk when we got back
+to the side gate.</p>
+
+<p>"Good-bye," she whispered. "Go
+away quickly; I believe that's the
+Vicar coming down the road."</p>
+
+<p>Then she shut the gate with gentle
+swiftness in my face. I walked round
+to the front door. She was in the hall.</p>
+
+<p>"Hello!" she said; "I hope you had
+a good day at the office?"</p>
+
+<p>"Thanks," I said; "pretty rotten."</p>
+
+<p>"I've had a lovely day," she said;
+"I picked up such a nice young man
+in the high road. He's taking me out
+to-night. He's just going to ring up
+for seats."</p>
+
+<p>Without a word I went to the telephone.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>The Right Order of Things at Last.</h4>
+<blockquote>
+<p>"A Gentleman would be pleased to Recommend
+his Butler in whose service he has been
+three years."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper</i>.</p>
+</blockquote>
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"<span class="sc">To Americans in London</span>.&mdash;The &mdash;&mdash;,
+Cornwall, offers you comfortable home while
+on this side; far away from the madding
+crown."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Daily Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>Republican prejudices respected.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="poem">  <div class="stanza">
+<p>There was a hard-swearing old sailor</p>
+<p>Whose speech might have startled a jailer;</p>
+<p class="i2">But he frankly avowed</p>
+<p class="i2">That the charabanc crowd</p>
+<p>Would not be allowed on a whaler.</p>
+  </div>  </div>
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>THE PATIENTS' LIBRARY.</h3>
+
+<p>Though a West-End physician of
+repute, he must, I think, have had a
+course of American training, if rapidity
+of action be any indication thereof.</p>
+
+<p>Scarcely had the maid ushered me
+into his study and I had taken a seat
+than he came forward brusquely, looked
+at me with the glowering eye of the
+<i>Second Murderer</i>, grasped a large piece
+of me in the region of the fourth rib
+and barked, "You're too fat."</p>
+
+<p>Having been carefully bred I refrained
+from retaliation. I did not tell
+him that his legs were out of drawing
+and that he had a frightfully vicious
+nose. But before I had time to explain
+my business he had started on a series
+of explosive directions: "Eat proper
+food. Plenty of open air. Exercise morning,
+noon and night and in between.
+Use the Muldow system. You need a
+tonic."</p>
+
+<p>He turned to his table and was, I
+suppose, about to draw a cheque for
+me on the local chemist's when I decided
+to say my little piece.</p>
+
+<p>"Excuse me, Sir," said I mildly, "I
+am not a patient."</p>
+
+<p>The combination fountain-pen and
+thermometer almost fell from his hand.</p>
+
+<p>"I am," said I, "the sole proprietor
+and sole representative of the Physicians'
+Supply Association. I gave your
+maid my card. I have called with a
+thrilling offer of magazines for your
+waiting-room."</p>
+
+<p>"What dates?" said he, a gleam of
+interest in his dark eye.</p>
+
+<p>"All pre-war," said I proudly; "none
+of them are later than 1900 and some
+go back to 1880."</p>
+
+<p>"Not <span class="sc">b.c.</span>?" said he, with a look in
+which hope and disbelief were mingled.</p>
+
+<p>"No," said I. "All are <span class="sc">a.d.</span>; but
+they include two Reports of Missions
+to Deep Sea Fishermen in 1885&mdash;very
+rare. I'm sure they would match
+splendidly the Proceedings of the Royal
+Commission on Aniline Dyes which you
+have in the waiting-room."</p>
+
+<p>"No," said he firmly. "I have one
+of the most important practices in
+Harley Street. I likewise possess one
+of the finest collections of old magazines
+in the profession. That blue-book on
+Aniline Dyes is barely fifty years old.
+It was left me by my father, and I
+retain it simply through affection for
+him in spite of its modernity. But
+the rest go back to the Crimean vintage
+and earlier. When you have something
+really old, come to me. But"&mdash;and
+he threw in a winning smile in his
+best bedside manner&mdash;"not till then."</p>
+
+<p>I am now in search of a young
+practitioner who is merely starting a
+collection.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page119" id="page119"></a>[pg 119]</span>
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;">
+<a href="images/119.png"><img src="images/119-600.png" width="600" height="431" alt="How can you tell what century he is, Mother? He's got no clothes on." /></a>
+<p><span class="sc">Scene</span>.&mdash;<i>A Flower Show: Garden Ornament Section</i>.</p>
+<p><i>Mother</i>. "<span class="sc">I don't care for that little figure. He's too
+eighteenth-century for my taste</span>."</p>
+<p><i>Critical Little Girl</i> (<i>who has lately taken part in
+tableaux-vivants</i>). "<span class="sc">How can you tell what century he is, Mother?
+He's got no clothes on</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+<hr />
+
+<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3>
+
+<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks</i>.)</h4>
+
+<p>If sorrow's crown of sorrow is as the poet says, it should
+be equally true that there is enough satisfaction in remembering
+unhappier things to ensure success for <i>The Crisis
+of the Naval War</i> (<span class="sc">Cassell</span>), the large and dignified volume
+in which Admiral of the Fleet Viscount <span class="sc">Jellicoe of Scapa</span>,
+G.C.B., O.M., G.C.V.O., reminds us how near the German
+submarines came to triumph in 1917, and details the various
+ways by which their menace was overcome. It is a solid
+book, written with authority, and addressed rather to the
+expert than to the casual reader; but even the latter individual
+(the middle-aged home-worker, for instance, remembering
+the rationed plate of beans and rice that constituted
+his lunch in the Spring of 1917) can thrill now to read of the
+precautions this represented, and the multiform activities
+that kept that distasteful dish just sufficiently replenished.
+I have observed that Viscount <span class="sc">Jellicoe</span> avoids any approach
+to sensationalism. His book however contains a number
+of exceedingly interesting photographs of convoys at sea,
+smoke-screens, depth-charges exploding, and the like, which
+the most uninformed can appreciate. And in at least one
+feature of "counter-measures," the history of the decoy or
+mystery ships, the record is of such exalted and amazing
+heroism that not the strictest language of officialdom can
+lessen its power to stir the heart. Who, for example, could
+read the story of <i>The Prize</i>, and the involuntary tribute
+from the captured German commander that rounds it off,
+without a glow of gratitude and pride? Do you recall how
+we would attempt to stifle curiosity with the unsatisfactory
+formula, "We shall know some day"? Here in this authoritative
+volume is another corner of the curtain lifted.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Although he is still comparatively a newcomer, a book
+with the signature of Mr. <span class="sc">Joseph Hergesheimer</span> is already
+something of a landmark in the publishing season. To this
+repute <i>Linda Condon</i> (<span class="sc">Heinemann</span>) will certainly add. In
+many ways I incline to think it, or parts of it, the best
+work that this unusual artist has yet done. The development
+of <i>Linda</i>, in the hateful surroundings of an American
+"hotel-child," through her detached and observant youth
+to a womanhood austere, remote, inspired only by the worship
+of essential beauty, is told with an exquisite rightness
+of touch that is a continual delight. Mr. <span class="sc">Hergesheimer</span>
+has above all else the gift of suggesting atmosphere and
+colour (ought I not in mere gratitude to bring myself to
+say "color"?); his picture of <i>Linda's</i> amazing mother and
+the rest of the luxurious brainless company of her hotel
+existence has the exotic brilliance of the orchid-house, at
+once dazzling and repulsive. Later, in the course of her
+married life, inspiring and inspired by the sculptor <i>Pleydon</i>
+(in whose fate the curious may perhaps trace some echo of
+recent controversy), the story of <i>Linda</i> becomes inevitably
+<span class="pagenum"><a name="page120" id="page120"></a>[pg 120]</span>
+less vivid, though its grasp of the reader's sympathy is
+never relaxed. In fine, a tale short as such go nowadays,
+but throughout of an arresting and memorable beauty. The
+state of modern American fiction has, if I may say so without
+offence, been for some time a cause of regret to the
+judicious; let Mr. <span class="sc">Hergesheimer</span> be resolute in refusing
+to lower his standard by over-production, and I look to see
+him leading a return towards the best traditions of an
+honourable past.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>It is not an impossible conception that <i>Sniping in France</i>
+(<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) will still be available in libraries in the year
+2020 <span class="sc">a.d</span>., and I can imagine the title then catching the
+eye of some enthusiastic sportsman, whose bent for game
+is stronger than his knowledge
+of history. Feeling that here is
+a new class of shooting for him
+to try his hand at, he will hasten
+to acquaint himself with the
+details and will discover that
+the first of the essentials is a
+European war in full blast.
+Whether or not he will see his
+way to arrange that for himself,
+I don't know and, since I shall
+not be present, I don't care.
+But in any case he will be absorbed
+in an eminently scientific
+and indeed romantic study of
+perhaps the most thrilling and
+deadly-earnest big game hunting
+there has ever been, and he
+will be left not a little impressed
+with the work of the author,
+Major H. <span class="sc">Hesketh Prichard</span>,
+D.S.O., M.C., his skill, energy
+and personality. As to this last
+he will find a brief summing-up
+in the foreword of General Lord
+<span class="sc">Horne</span>, and he will be able to
+visualise the whole "blunderbuss"
+very clearly by the help of
+the illustrations of Mr. <span class="sc">Ernest
+Blaikley</span>, of the late Lieut. <span class="sc">B.
+Head</span>, and of the camera. There
+is undoubtedly much controversial
+matter in the book, which
+must necessarily give rise to the
+most remarkable gun-room discussions.
+I can well imagine
+some stout-hearted Colonel,
+prompted by his love for the
+plain soldier-man and his rooted dislike of all "specialists,"
+becoming very heated in the small hours of the morning
+about the paragraph on page 97, in which a division untrained
+in the Sniping Schools is in passing compared to a
+band of "careless and ignorant tourists."</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>Señor <span class="sc">Ibañez</span>' new novel, <i>Mare Nostrum</i> (<span class="sc">Constable</span>),
+is
+ostensibly a yarn about spies and submarines, its hero a
+gallant Spanish captain, <i>Ulysses Ferragut</i>, scion of a long
+line of sailormen. And there can be no doubt of the proper
+anti-German sentiments of this stout fellow, even though
+his impetuous passion for <i>Freya Talberg</i>, a Delilah in the
+service of the enemy, did make him store a tiny island with
+what the translator will persist in calling combustibles,
+meaning, one supposes, fuel. But more fundamentally it
+is an affectionate song of praise of the Mediterranean and
+the dwellers on its littoral, especially the fiery and hardy
+sailors of Spain, and of Spaniards, in particular the Valencians
+and Catalonians. Signor <span class="sc">Ibañez</span>' method is distinctly
+discursive; he gives, for instance, six-and-twenty consecutive
+pages to the description of the inmates of the Naples
+Aquarium and is always ready to suspend his story for a
+lengthy disquisition on any subject, person or place that
+interests him. This puts him peculiarly at the mercy of his
+transliterator, who has a positive genius for choosing the
+wrong word and depriving any comment of its subtlety,
+any well-made phrase of its distinction. Even plain
+narrative such as the following is none too attractive:&mdash;"The
+voluminous documents would become covered with
+dust on his table and Don Esteban would have to saddle
+himself with the dates in order that the end of the legal
+procedures should not slip by."
+What ingenuous person authorises
+this sort of "authorised
+translation"?</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<p>If I may say so without
+offence, Mr. <span class="sc">Edgar Rice Burroughs</span>
+reminds me a little of
+those billiard experts who, having
+evolved a particular stroke,
+will continue it indefinitely, to
+the joy of the faithful and the exasperated
+boredom of the others.
+To explain my metaphor, I
+gather that Mr. <span class="sc">Burroughs</span>,
+having "got set," to an incredible
+number of thousands, with
+an invention called <i>Tarzan</i>, is
+now by way of beating his own
+record over the adventures of
+<i>John Carter</i> in the red planet
+Mars. Concerning these amazing
+volumes there is just this to
+say, that either you can read
+them with avidity or you can't
+read them at all. From certain
+casual observations I conceive
+the test to be primarily one of
+youth, for honesty compels my
+middle-age to admit a personal
+failure. I saw the idea; for one
+thing no egg was ever a quarter
+so full of meat as the Martian
+existence of incomprehensible
+thrills, to heighten the effect of
+which Mr. <span class="sc">Burroughs</span> has invented
+what amounts to a new
+language, with a glossary of its
+own, thus appealing to a well-known instinct of boyhood,
+but rendering the whole business of a more than Meredithian
+obscurity to the uninitiate. I have hitherto forgotten
+to say that the particular volume before me is called
+<i>The War Lord of Mars</i> (<span class="sc">Methuen</span>). I may add that it
+closes with the heroic <i>Carter</i> hailed as Jeddak of Jeddaks,
+which sounds eminently satisfactory, though without conveying
+any definite promise of finality.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;">
+<a href="images/120.png"><img src="images/120-330.png" width="330" height="450" alt="Courage, sweet lady! You are practically saved." /></a>
+<p><i>The Knight.</i> "<span class="sc">Let's see. We have already overcome
+the chief jailer and his ten assistants, and
+slain the fearsome hound which guarded the courtyard.
+We have now to destroy the one-eyed giant
+and the bean-fed dragon, scale the outer wall, swim
+the moat and then to horse. Courage, sweet lady!
+You are practically saved</span>."</p>
+</div><br /><br />
+
+
+
+<hr />
+
+<h4>Do Poultry Pay?</h4>
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"Six Hens for sale, some laying 7s. each."</p>
+<p class="author">
+&mdash;<i>Local Paper.</i>
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>You will find three of them as good as a guinea-fowl.</p>
+
+<hr />
+
+<blockquote><p>
+"But the germ of Socialism or BZolshevism&mdash;however you like to
+call it&mdash;has hardly entered the Polish working-class blood."</p>
+
+<p class="author"><i>Provincial Paper</i>.
+</p></blockquote>
+
+<p>We fear, however, that it has got into our contemporary's
+composing-room.</p>
+
+<hr /><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+<table align="center" summary="note">
+<tr>
+    <td class="note">
+<h5>Transcriber's Note:</h5>
+
+<p>Page 116 corrected old typo: changed "Encylopædia" to "Encyclopædia".</p>
+
+</td>
+</tr>
+</table><br /><br /><br /><br />
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+
+<pre>
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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@@ -0,0 +1,2436 @@
+The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159,
+August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with
+almost no restrictions whatsoever.  You may copy it, give it away or
+re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included
+with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org
+
+
+Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, August 11, 1920
+
+Author: Various
+
+Editor: Owen Seaman
+
+Release Date: August 31, 2006 [EBook #19151]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: ASCII
+
+*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
+
+
+
+
+Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online
+Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net
+
+
+
+
+
+
+PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.
+
+VOL. 159.
+
+
+
+August 11th, 1920.
+
+
+
+
+CHARIVARIA.
+
+
+"We doubt," says a contemporary, "if the Government has effected much
+by refusing to let Dr. MANNIX land on Irish shores." We agree. What
+is most wanted at the moment is that the Government should land on
+Ireland.
+
+       * * *
+
+We feel that the time is now ripe for somebody to pop up with the
+suggestion that the wet summer has been caused by the shooting in
+Belfast.
+
+       * * *
+
+Manchester City Council has decided to purchase the famous Free Trade
+Hall for the sum of ninety thousand pounds. A thorough search for
+the Sacred Principles of Liberalism, which are said to be concealed
+somewhere in the basement, will be undertaken as soon as the property
+changes hands.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is no truth in the report that Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, after listening
+to the grand howl of the Wolf Cubs at Olympia, declared that it was a
+very tame affair for anyone used to listening to Mr. DEVLIN.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Kangaroos and wallabies," says a Colonial journalist, "are about the
+only things that the Australian sportsman can chase." Members of the
+M.C.C. team declare that they expect to change all that.
+
+       * * *
+
+Reports that the gold had been removed from the Bank of Ireland to
+this country for the sake of safety have caused consternation in
+Dublin. There was always a possibility, the Irish say, that the Sinn
+Feiners might not lay hands on the stuff, but there isn't one chance
+in a hundred of it getting past Sir ERIC GEDDES.
+
+       * * *
+
+_A propos_ of the growing reluctance on the part of railway servants
+to take tips from holiday-makers, it appears that they are merely
+following the example set by the higher officials. We have positive
+information that only a week or so since Sir ERIC GEDDES flatly
+refused to take a tip from _The Daily Mail_.
+
+       * * *
+
+While approving in principle of the proposal that the finger-prints of
+all children should be registered, Government officials point out that
+the expense would certainly be out of all proportion to the advantage
+obtained, in view of the prevailing high prices of jam.
+
+       * * *
+
+There is just this one consolation about the weather of late. So far
+the Government have not placed a tax on rain.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Soldiers are very dissatisfied with the way in which ex-service men
+are now being treated," states a Sunday paper. We understand that, if
+this dissatisfaction should spread, Mr. CHURCHILL may call upon the
+Army to resign.
+
+       * * *
+
+After exhaustive experiments Signor MARCONI has failed to obtain
+any wireless message from Mars. Much anxiety is being felt by those
+persons having friends or mining shares there.
+
+       * * *
+
+The youngest son of Sir ERIC GEDDES is learning to play golf. It
+is hoped by this plan to keep his mind off thoughts of a political
+career.
+
+       * * *
+
+A reader living in Aberdeen informs us that the last batch of Scotch
+refugees arrived from England last Thursday in an exhausted condition.
+
+       * * *
+
+"Cats are very poor swimmers," states a writer in a weekly journal.
+This no doubt accounts for the exceptionally high infantile mortality
+among these domestic pets.
+
+       * * *
+
+Last week a wedding at Ibstock, Leicestershire, had to be postponed
+after the ceremony had already begun, owing to the failure of the
+Registrar to appear. It was not until the best man, who denied having
+mislaid the Registrar, had been thoroughly searched that the ceremony
+was abandoned.
+
+       * * *
+
+A burglar accused of stealing sixteen volumes of classical poetry was
+sentenced to a month's imprisonment. The defence that he was insane
+was evidently ignored.
+
+       * * *
+
+The Westminster magistrate, the other day, described a prisoner as "a
+very clever thief." It is said that the fellow intends printing this
+testimonial on his letter-paper.
+
+       * * *
+
+A man knocked down by a racing motorist in New York is reported to
+have had both legs and an arm fractured, several ribs broken, and
+other injuries. Motorists in this country incline to the theory that
+it was the work of an amateur.
+
+       * * *
+
+A Swiss guide recently discovered a chamois within sixty feet of the
+summit of the Jungfrau. Only on receiving the most explicit assurance
+that the Fourth Internationale would not be held at Grindelwald would
+the creature consent to resume its proper place in the landscape.
+
+       * * *
+
+According to the conductor of the Southern Syncopated Orchestra the
+modern fox-trot has been evolved from a primitive negro dance called
+"The Blues." The theory that the Blues are the logical outcome of a
+primitive negro dance called the fox-trot is thus exploded.
+
+       * * *
+
+A gentleman advertises for an island for men who are fed up with
+taxation. We can only say that Great Britain is just the very place.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Laird._ "NOW, WHO ON EARTH MIGHT THOSE PEOPLE BE,
+DONALD, DRESSED LIKE TOURISTS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "In some ways the American woman, it must be confessed, can give
+    we English points on good dressing."--_Evening Paper._
+
+She might now extend her beneficence and include some points on
+syntax.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "The clergy had to work far more than forty-eight hours per day,
+    but their pay was quite inadequate."--_Local Paper._
+
+We don't see how it would be possible to give adequate remuneration
+for such a feat.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+=IN DEFENCE OF DOROTHY.=
+
+I was greatly pained to read, the other day, in one of our leading
+dailies a most violent and uncalled-for attack on a popular favourite.
+Perhaps I should say one who _was_ popular, for, alas, favourites have
+their day, and no doubt this attack was but to demolish the reputation
+of the setting star and enhance that of a rising one. Still it was
+unnecessarily churlish; it criticised not only the colour of her
+complexion, the exuberance of her presence, but her very name was held
+up to ridicule, the fault surely of her god-parents.
+
+There has been, not unnaturally, quite a sensation in her circle over
+this attack; Papa Gontier and Maman Cochet clasped each other's
+hands in sympathy and said, "What will people say next of _us_, a
+respectable and time-honoured old couple, if they flout pretty popular
+little Dorothy Perkins?" "Of course, if people who live in a brand-new
+red-brick villa choose to invite Dorothy into their garden, one
+can't expect her to look her best; but, after all, there's only that
+languishing Stella Gray who can stand such a trial as that, and
+perhaps the stout Frau Druschki." "She, poor thing, is quite out of
+favour just now--hardly mentioned in polite society. Quite under a
+cloud; in fact a greeting from Teplitz is the only one she gets."
+"Now William Allen Richardson (there's a ridiculous long name, if you
+like!) was saying only yesterday how grateful we should all feel to
+dear Dorothy, who never seems to mind the weather and cheers us up
+when all else fails." "I must say I don't feel quite sure of William's
+sincerity, he is so very changeable, you know, and does not _really_
+care to be seen in Dorothy's company."
+
+Pretty little Mme. Laurette Messime was quite hanging her head about
+it all. "_I_ live in harmony with _all_ my neighbours," she simpered.
+"Ah, yes," flaunted Lady Gay, in that unblushing manner of hers,
+"that's very easy to do for colourless people." At this Caroline
+Testout turned quite pale and stuttered, "Well, Dorothy _does_ scream
+so." "Hush, hush, my children," said the deep voice of the venerable
+Marshal Niel. Though yellow with extreme old age the old gentleman
+bore himself proudly and his dress was glossy and clean. "We all have
+our place in the world. Let carping critics say what they please,
+whether it is Dorothy in her gay gown or Liberty in her revolutionary
+wear, our showy American cousins, our well-beloved Scotch relations,
+or our Persian guests--they are _all_ welcome, _all_ beautiful."
+"Hear, hear!" murmured the other roses.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=MORE MARGOBIOGRAPHY.=
+
+PROPOSALS--CARLYLE--BISMARCK--DISRAELI--A NEW BROWNING POEM--NAPOLEON
+ON LIVING BRITISH STATESMEN.
+
+    [Readers of the vivacious but too reticent serial now appearing in
+    _The Sunday Times_ may have noticed that the narrative is now and
+    then interrupted by a row of what Lord RANDOLPH CHURCHILL, during
+    one of his conversations with Mrs. ASQUITH and JOWETT, called (to
+    the immense delight of the MASTER OF BALLIOL) "those damned dots."
+    Mr. Punch has, at fabulous expense, acquired the right to
+    publish certain of the omitted passages, a selection of which is
+    appended.]
+
+=Many Admirers.=
+
+No sooner was I in my earliest teens and had made up my mind as to
+the best cigarettes, than proposals began to be a matter of daily
+occurrence, so that whenever I saw the fifth footman or the third
+butler stealthily approaching me I knew that he was concealing a
+_billet doux_. Sometimes they were very flattering. Here is one,
+written in the big boyish hand of a Prince of the Blood:--
+
+    My beautiful, there is no one like you. They want me to marry the
+    daughter of a royal house, but if you will say "Yes" I will defy
+    them. We will be married by the Archbishop, who marries and buries
+    so beautifully; but I shall never need burying, because those who
+    marry you never die.
+
+Poor boy, I had to send him a negative by the fifteenth groom in the
+third phaeton, drawn by a pair of dashing chestnuts which another of
+my unsuccessful adorers had given me. I noticed that when they got
+back to Grosvenor Square the chestnuts had turned to greys.
+
+
+=The Sage of Chelsea.=
+
+THOMAS CARLYLE loved to have me trotting in and out of his house in
+Cheyne Row, and we had endless talks on the desirability of silence.
+"Yon wee Meg," he used to say, for he refused to call me "Margot,"
+declaring it was a Frenchified name--"yon wee Meg is the cleverest
+girl in Scotland--and the wittiest."
+
+I remember once that RUSKIN was there too, and we had a little breeze.
+
+RUSKIN (_patronisingly_). What do you think of the paintings of
+TURNER?
+
+MARGOT. He bores me.
+
+RUSKIN (_drawing in a long breath_). Bores you?
+
+MARGOT (_with a slow smile_). He probably bores you too, only you
+daren't admit it.
+
+What would have happened I cannot imagine had not dear old CARLYLE
+offered me a draw of his pipe, while remarking laughingly, "She's a
+wonder, is Meg; she'll lead the world yet."
+
+One day he asked me what I thought of his writing.
+
+MARGOT. Too jerky and overcharged.
+
+CARLYLE (_wincing_). I must try to improve. What is your theory of
+authorship?
+
+MARGOT. I think one should assume that everything that happens to
+oneself must be interesting to others.
+
+CARLYLE (_as though staggered by a new idea_). Why?
+
+MARGOT (_simply_). Because oneself is so precious, so unique.
+
+I asked him once what he really thought of Mrs. CARLYLE, but he
+changed the subject.
+
+
+=Bismarck.=
+
+It was in Berlin, when I was seventeen, that I met BISMARCK. It was at
+the Opera, where, being a young English girl, I was in the habit of
+going alone. The great Chancellor, who was all unconscious that I had
+penetrated his identity, watched me for a long while between the Acts
+and then overtook me on my way home and in French asked me to supper.
+
+MARGOT (_also in French_). But I am not hungry.
+
+BISMARCK. In Germany you should do as the Germans do and eat always;
+(_with emphasis_) I do.
+
+MARGOT (_scathingly_). I wonder if you are aware that I am English?
+
+BISMARCK (_muttering something I could not catch about England lying
+crushed at his feet_). But you are beautiful too! Some day you will be
+a countrywoman of mine.
+
+MARGOT. How?
+
+BISMARCK. Because we shall make war on England and conquer it, and it
+will then be our own and all of you will be our people and our slaves.
+At least we should conquer it if----
+
+MARGOT. If what?
+
+BISMARCK. If it were not for a young man who will then be Prime
+Minister. It is of him we are afraid.
+
+MARGOT. What is his name?
+
+BISMARCK. ASQUITH.
+
+Could prescience further go? BISMARCK then left me with another
+ungainly effort at French: _"Au revoir, Mademoiselle."_ But we never
+met again.
+
+=Disraeli's Last Days.=
+
+I was with DISRAELI (who was one of the few men who did not propose to
+me) not long before the end, and he gave me many confidences, although
+he knew all about my friendship with GLADSTONE. But then I have always
+chosen my friends impartially from all the camps. My exact memory
+enables me to repeat my last conversation with DIZZY word for word:--
+
+MARGOT. You look tired. Shall I dance for you?
+
+(_Continued on page 104_).
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE REAL MUSIC.
+
+JOHN BULL. "I WISH THEY'D LET ME HEAR THE LADY."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Wife (bitterly)._ "YES, IT MAKES A NICE OUTIN' FOR
+ME, DON'T IT--SETTIN' IN THE RAIN ALL DAY GUARDIN' A TIN O' WORMS?"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DIZZY. No, no.
+
+MARGOT _(brightly_). Let us be sensible and talk frankly about your
+approaching death. Have you any views as to your biography?
+
+DIZZY. Need there be one?
+
+MARGOT. Of course.
+
+DIZZY (_earnestly_). Would you write it? You would be so discreet.
+
+I had to refuse, but I am sure I could have made a more amusing job of
+it than MR. BUCKLE has done, in spite of the love-letters. What a pity
+they didn't entrust it to my dear EDMUND GOSSE!
+
+=A Browning Poem.=
+
+Here is a little poem that BROWNING wrote for me on hearing me say
+that when we were girls "we did not know the meaning of the word
+'fast'":--
+
+  We all of us worship our Margot,
+  She's such a determined _escargot_.
+
+=Talks with the Dead.=
+
+The great NAPOLEON had died many years before I was born; and how
+unjust it is that the lives of really interesting people should not
+coincide! But with the assistance of my beloved OLIVER LODGE I have
+had many conversations with him. Our first opened in this manner:--
+
+MARGOT. Do you take any interest in current English politics?
+
+NAPOLEON. _Oui_ (Yes).
+
+MARGOT. What do you think of LLOYD GEORGE?
+
+NAPOLEON. An opportunist on horseback.
+
+MARGOT. I love riding too. I met most of my friends in the
+hunting-field. You should have seen me cantering into the hall of our
+town mansion. Who do you think our greatest statesman?
+
+NAPOLEON. ASQUITH beyond a doubt.
+
+Both PLATO and JULIUS CAESAR, whom my beloved OLIVER has also
+introduced to me, said the same thing.
+
+E. V. L.
+
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+FLOWERS' NAMES.
+
+SOLOMON'S SEAL.
+
+  Oh, lordly was KING SOLOMON
+    A-stepping down so proud,
+  With his negro slaves and dancing girls
+    And all his royal crowd;
+  His peacocks and his viziers,
+    His eunuchs old and grey,
+  His gallants and his chamberlains
+    And glistening array.
+
+  Oh, blithesome was KING SOLOMON
+    That burning summer day
+  When lo! a humble shepherdess
+    Stood silent in his way;
+  Then stepped down kingly SOLOMON,
+    And proud and great stepped he,
+  And there he kissed the shepherdess--
+    Kissed one and two and three.
+
+  Then proudly turned the peasant-maid--
+    Pale as a ghost was she--
+  "For all ye are KING SOLOMON,
+    What make ye here so free?"
+  Oh, lordly laughed KING SOLOMON,
+    "Shalt be my queen," quoth he;
+  "These kisses pledged KING SOLOMON
+    And sealed him to thee."
+
+  Then on went splendid SOLOMON
+    And all his glittering band,
+  And the wondering white peasant-girl
+    He led her by the hand;
+  But in that place sprang flower-stems
+    All green, for kingly pride,
+  With the small white kisses hanging down
+    With which he sealed his bride.
+
+         *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+SQUATTERS.
+
+Ursula came into the study, carrying something that had once been a
+photograph, but which the ravages of time had long since reduced to a
+faded and almost indecipherable problem.
+
+"Dear," she said, "you know this portrait of Clara's boy, the one
+in the sailor suit, from my writing-table? I was looking at it just
+now----"
+
+I interrupted her (it really was one of my rushed mornings). "I've
+been looking at it any time these fifteen years," I observed bitterly,
+"watching it become every day more and more fly-blown and like nothing
+on earth. What entitles it to special notice at this moment?"
+
+"Nothing--much," said Ursula; but from the tone of her voice
+experience taught me that sentiment was only just out of sight. "I was
+wondering whether to burn it----"
+
+"Good."
+
+"And then I thought that, as he was married the other day and is quite
+likely to have a boy of his own, it would be interesting to compare
+this early portrait."
+
+"It would," I assented grimly. Perhaps disappointment had made me
+brutal. "There's almost nothing, from the Alps at midnight to
+Royalty down a coalmine, with which it would not be equally safe and
+appropriate to compare it. Only, as I gather that this involves its
+continued existence for a further indefinite period, my one request is
+that in the meantime you remove it. Shut it in the safe. Bury it. But
+don't leave it about."
+
+"Aren't you being rather excited about nothing?"
+
+"No. This is a matter of principle, and I am speaking for your own
+good. Fifteen years ago that photograph, unframed and in the first
+flush of youth, was casually deposited on your writing-table. Perhaps
+you only meant to put it out of your hand for a moment while you
+attended to something else. But you know what the result has been. It
+has remained there, gradually establishing a prescriptive right. No
+doubt it has been dusted, with the rest of the room, seven times a
+week...."
+
+"Six times," said Ursula, smiling, but blushing a little too--I was
+glad to observe that.
+
+"... and as often been replaced. Its charm for the observant visitor
+has, to put the thing mildly, long since vanished. I doubt if
+either of us would so much as see it had it not attained for me the
+fascination of an eye-sore. Yet it stays on, simply because no one has
+the initiative to take action. To put it concisely, it is a squatter."
+
+"Don't be ridiculous."
+
+"I was never more serious in my life. This speckled travesty, this
+photographic mummy, is but one example out of many. I do not know
+whether other homes resemble ours in the same tendency towards the
+mausoleum. But I strongly suspect it."
+
+"What things are there besides this?" broke out Ursula, suddenly
+defensive. "Tell me a list of them."
+
+"You forget, sweetheart, that as a professional literary man my time,
+especially in the morning, has a certain commercial value, but I will
+endeavour to do as you ask. You would of course justly repudiate any
+comparison between your own artistic setting and those Victorian
+houses wherein the 'drawing-room book' reposed always in the same
+sacred corner. Yet in the matter of derelict articles we are
+millionaires, we are beset by squatters."
+
+I could see that Ursula was impressed, though she tried to conceal
+the fact. "Professional literary men seem to be strangely under the
+dominion of one word," she began coldly.
+
+At that moment a bell tinkled.
+
+"Eliza!" cried Ursula; "and I'm not dressed." As she fluttered from
+the room I had a distinct impression that she was not sorry for an
+excuse to break off the interview.
+
+I re-settled myself at my desk, smiling a little cynically. How
+long would the lesson last? Then I happened to glance towards the
+mantelpiece, beside which Ursula had been standing. There, hastily
+propped against the clock, was that detestable photograph. It still
+quivered in the movement of release, as though shaking its shoulders,
+settling down palpably for another decade. With an uncontrollable
+impulse I leapt up, seized the abomination and, flinging it on the
+floor, ground it to powder with my heel.
+
+In one word, the anti-squatting campaign had definitely begun.
+
+A. E.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Navvy._ "WHY DON'T YER WEAR THEM BOARDS THE RIGHT WAY
+ROUND?"
+
+_Sandwichman._ "WOT! IN ME DINNER-HOUR? NOT ME!"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Some five or six million years hence, therefore, it is
+    prophesied, the earth will fall into the grip of an ice age. There
+    will descend on all living things the blight of eternal cod."
+
+    _Scotch Paper._
+
+Although the danger is not immediate it deserves the serious
+consideration of the FOOD CONTROLLER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+=SQUISH.=
+
+_(Being some notes on a bye-path in politics.)_
+
+
+The Board of Agriculture has been biding its time. In the fierce light
+of publicity which has been beating of late upon Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL and Sir ERIC GEDDES the attempt of this rustic
+Ministry to assert itself has passed almost unnoticed. Our gaze has
+been fixed upon the London railway termini, upon Warsaw and upon
+Belfast; we have been neglecting Campden (Glos.). Yet in that town, I
+read, "the Ministry of Agriculture has completed arrangements for a
+commercial course in the State Fruit and Vegetable College to instruct
+students in the manufacture of preserved fruit products."
+
+I have considered the last part of the sentence quoted above very
+carefully in the light of the Rules and Regulations governing
+procedure in State Departments, Magna Carta, the Habeas Corpus Act and
+the Constitutions of Clarendon, and have come to the conclusion that
+it means "making jam." I am very sure, as the PRIME MINISTER would
+say, that things are about to happen in preserved fruit products;
+things will become very much worse and very much sterner in jam. And
+if in jam why then also in jelly and in marmalade. Even at this moment
+in the offices of the Board of Agriculture there are a number of
+clerks, I suppose, sitting with schedules in front of them, something
+like this:--
+
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |No. of    |     |
+|            |candidates|candidates|candidates|candidates|candidates|     |
+|            |in        |awaiting  |fully     |trained   |full, but |Total|
+|            |training  |training  |trained   |but not   |not       |     |
+|            |in        |in        |          |full      |trained   |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|1. Jam      |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|2. Jelly    |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|3. Marmalade|          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|   Total    |          |          |          |          |          |     |
+|            |          |          |          |          |          |     |
++------------+----------+----------+----------+----------+----------+-----+
+
+The perfect beauty of schedules framed upon this model is only to be
+apprehended by those who realise that when they are filled in and
+added up correctly the figure at the base of the vertical "Total"
+column on the right is identical with the figure on the right of the
+horizontal "Total" column at the base. It is the haunting magic of
+this fact that gives to Government clerks the wistful far-away look
+which they habitually wear.
+
+It is not a good schedule this, of course--not a complete, not an
+exhaustive one. After a month or so it will be discovered with a
+cry of astonishment that no record has been kept of the number of
+candidates who are being trained in jam or jelly (combined) but not in
+marmalade, in jelly and marmalade (combined) but not in jam, and in
+jam and marmalade (combined) but not in jelly. And so a new and a
+greater schedule will have to be compiled. But even after that for
+a long time no one will notice that nothing has been said about the
+number of candidates who are being trained in jam and jelly and
+marmalade all combined and mashed up together, as they are at a picnic
+on the sands.
+
+Of the many debatable issues raised by this new Government project, in
+so far as it affects the spheres of jelly and jam, I do not propose to
+speak now; I prefer to confine my attention for the moment to the fruit
+product which touches most nearly the home breakfast-table--namely,
+marmalade.
+
+There are three schools of thought in marmalade. There are those who
+like the dark and very runny kind with large segments or wedges of
+peel. There are those who prefer a clear and jellified substance with
+tiny fragments of peel enshrined in it as the fly is enshrined in
+amber. And there are some, I suppose, who favour a kind of glutinous
+yellow composition, neither reactionary nor progressive, but something
+betwixt and between. There can be very little doubt which kind of
+marmalade the State Marmalade School will produce.
+
+And then, mark you, one fine day the President of the Board of
+Agriculture will turn round and issue a _communique_ to the Press like
+this:--
+
+"Preferential treatment in the supply of sugar for the purpose of
+conducting the processes of manufacture of fruit products will
+henceforward be given to those who possess the Campden diploma for
+proficiency in the conduct of the above-named processes."
+
+And where is your freedom then? Cooks and housewives will be condemned
+either to make State marmalade or to make no marmalade at all.
+Personally I am inclined to think that the President of the Board of
+Agriculture will go further than this. I think that encouragement will
+be given to those who take the State Marmalade course to follow it up
+with a subsidiary or finishing course of wasp treatment.
+
+And in wasp treatment also there are three schools. There is what is
+called the CHURCHILL school, which hits out right and left with an
+infuriated spoon. Then there is the MONTAGU school, which takes no
+provocative action, but sits still and says, "They won't sting you if
+you don't irritate them;" it says this especially when they are flying
+round somebody else's head. And lastly there is the Medium school,
+which, choosing the moment when the wasp is busily engaged, presses it
+down gently and firmly into the marmalade, so that the last spoonfuls
+of the dish are not so much a fruit product as a kind of entomological
+preserve. The last way, I think, will be the State way of dealing with
+wasps, and a reward will probably be offered for the stings of all
+wasps embalmed on Coalition lines.
+
+The electorate has stuck to the Government through the Peace Treaty,
+through Mesopotamia, through Ireland and through coal. Can it stick to
+them, is what I ask, through marmalade?
+
+EVOE.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+_MENS CONSCIA MALI._
+
+  The lightning flashed and flickered, roared the thunder,
+    Down came the rain, and in the usual way
+  Pavilionward we sped to sit and wonder
+          Was this the end of play.
+
+  In scattered groups my comrades talked together,
+    Their disappointment faded bit by bit,
+  So soothing can it be to tell the weather
+          Just what you think of it.
+
+  But I--I sat aloof as one distressed by
+    A painful tendency to droop and wilt;
+  Though none suspected it, I was oppressed by
+          A conscience charged with guilt.
+
+  I watched the pitch become a sodden pulp, a
+    Morass, a sponge, a lake, a running stream,
+  What time a sad repentant _Mea culpa_
+          Was all my musing's theme.
+
+  Mine was the cricket sin too hard to pardon
+    In one whose age should carry greater sense;
+  On Friday night I'd watered all the garden,
+          Thus tempting Providence.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Mr. ---- asserted that the Russian people would be permitted
+'untrammelled to pork out their own salvation.'"--_Canadian Paper._
+And why not the Irish people too?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: THE MAN WHO WOULD GET TO THE SEASIDE.
+TRAINS FULL.
+CHARABANKS FULL.
+AEROPLANES FULL.
+THE LAST RESOURCE.
+SEA, SAND AND HOTELS FULL.]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE COUNTER-IRRITANT
+
+Most men have a hobby. Timbrell-Timson's is to bear on his narrow
+shoulders the burden of Middle Europe. He calls it Mittel-Europa.
+Lately he has been sharing his burden with me.
+
+"You know," he said, frowning--he always frowns, because of the
+burden--"I am rather uneasy about the Czecho-Slovaks."
+
+"I'm not too comfortable about them myself," I said truthfully.
+
+"There seems to be a certain lack of stability about their new
+constitution," said T.-T., "a--a--a--what shall I say?"
+
+"A--er--um--a," I put in.
+
+"Exactly; just so," said T.-T. He then got into his stride and gave me
+twenty minutes' Czecho-Slovakism when I was dying to discover whether
+HOBBS had scored his two-millionth run.
+
+As T.-T. talked my mind wandered away into regions of its own--Aunt
+Jane's rheumatic gout, my broken niblick, the necessity for getting
+my hair cut. But sub-consciously I reserved a courteous minimum of
+attention for T.-T., and said, "H'm" and "Ha" with decent frequency.
+He went on and on, shedding several ounces of the burden. I decided
+that Aunt Jane ought to have a shot at Christian Science.
+
+"... very much the same plight as the Poles," said T.-T., emerging from
+a cloud of Czecho-Slovakism and pausing to clear his meagre throat.
+
+I felt it was up to me. "Of course," I said, "the Poles don't strike
+one as being--er--very--that is--"
+
+"Precisely. They are not," said T.-T., as I knew he would. "But I am
+very relieved to see that M. Grabski...."
+
+This was something new and sounded amusing. "Grabski?" I said. "What's
+happened to dear old--I mean, I thought M. Paderewski was--"
+
+"I am referring to the recent Spa Conference," said T.-T. severely.
+
+"Of course, how silly of me," I murmured.
+
+T.-T. gave me another twenty minutes of Poland. Then he released me,
+with a final word of warning against putting too much faith in M.
+Daschovitch. I promised I wouldn't.
+
+T.-T. shook me cordially by the hand and said, "It has been a pleasure
+to talk to such a sympathetic listener."
+
+What led me to revolt was T.-T.'s hat-trick. Three evenings in
+succession he unloaded on me chunks of the burden. Probably he thought
+the third time made it my own property.
+
+I asked advice from Brown, a man of commonsense.
+
+"During the Great War," said Brown, "I went down with pneumonia. They
+painted my chest yellow, and, when I asked the Sister why, she said it
+was a counter-irritant. That's what you want to use now, my lad. Stand
+up to your little friend and beat him at his own game."
+
+"But how?" I said. "I can't. What he doesn't know about the gentle
+Czech isn't worth a cussovitch."
+
+"Cultivate a counter-burden," said Brown, "and make him eat it as he
+has made you eat his."
+
+When I left Brown it was decided that I was henceforth to be an
+authority on Mittel-Afrika. The next evening I was purposely
+unoccupied in a corner of the smoking-room when T.-T. came in,
+frowning and bowed down by his burden, to which apparently I had
+brought no relief.
+
+"Well, to-day's news from Mittel-Europa is hardly--" he began.
+
+"Scarcely glanced at it," I said. "I was so busy with the news from
+Mittel-Afrika--Abyssinia, in fact."
+
+T.-T. looked surprised, partly, no doubt, because he knew as well as
+I did that Abyssinia is nowhere near the middle of Africa. Then he
+gained balance and reopened with the remark that "The ineradicable
+weakness of the Czecho-Slovak is--"
+
+"Just what I feel about the Ethiopians," I said.
+
+"Of course there is in the Czecho a fundamental--" began T.-T. once
+more.
+
+"Not half so fundamental as in the Abyssinians," I said promptly.
+
+T.-T. was puzzled but obstinate. The burden, I think, was rather bad
+that evening. He tried me with Grabski and got as far as saying that
+he had little respect for that gentleman's antecedents.
+
+I broke in by comparing Grabski's antecedents with the antecedents of
+B'lumbu, the Abyssinian Deputy Under-secretary of the Admiralty, much
+to the detriment of the latter. Then I launched out into a long and
+startling _expose_ of what I called the Swarthy Peril. I told T.-T.
+that the Ethiopians ate their young, and warned him that, unless he
+was careful, they would soon be over here devouring his own spectacled
+progeny. I told him about the Ethiopic secret plans for the invasion
+of Mexico as a stepping-stone to the subjugation of Mittel-Amerika.
+I hinted that Abyssinian spies were everywhere--that even one of the
+club waiters was not above suspicion.
+
+For thirty-five minutes I held T.-T. in his chair (may the Abyssinian
+gods forgive me!). After the first three minutes he forgot his burden
+and never a word spake he.
+
+Then I released him with a final warning against putting any faith at
+all in Gran'slam, the Abyssinian Assistant Foreign Secretary, and as
+we parted I said gratefully, "It has been a pleasure to talk to such a
+sympathetic listener."
+
+I don't think T.-T. really believes even now in the Swarthy Peril, but
+the counter-irritant has done its work.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+ANOTHER GARDEN OF ALLAH.
+
+[The Metropolitan Water Board announces an advance in the Water Rate.]
+
+  I cannot fill the bounteous cup
+    Munificently as of yore
+  Because the water's going up
+    (It didn't at Lodore);
+  No longer now can I regale
+  The canine stranger with a pail
+    Drawn from my cistern's store.
+
+  Let Samuel the sunflower die,
+    Let Gerald the geranium fade,
+  And all the other plants that I
+    Have hitherto displayed;
+  The virgin grass within my plot
+  May call for water--I will not
+    Preserve a single blade.
+
+  Henceforth let Claude the cactus dress
+    My garden beds, who bravely grows
+  Without a frequent S.O.S.
+    To water-can and hose.
+  I've cast these weapons to the void
+  And permanently unemployed
+    Is Hildebrand the hose.
+
+  Within the house by words and deeds
+    I've run an Anti-Waste Campaign;
+  On every tap the legend reads:
+    "Teetotalers, abstain!"
+  While on each bath and tub of mine
+  I've drawn freehand a PLIMSOLL line,
+    Impressionist but plain.
+
+  When upward mount my chops and cheese
+    I fain must bend beneath the blow;
+  I have to pay the price for these
+    Whether I will or no.
+  But here at least, by dint of thought,
+  I feel that I can bring to naught
+    The rise in H_2O.
+
+  You'll find that I shall keep in check
+    The gross expense of water when
+  Domestic _nettoyage a sec_
+    Rules my ancestral den.
+  I, unlike Nature, don't abhor
+  A "vacuum"--to clean the floor:
+    In fact I've ordered ten.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At Bremen ... the crowd seized the stalls in the market, and sold
+    the goods at prices between 100 and 200 per cent. lower than the
+    prices demanded."--_Provincial Paper._
+
+The correspondent who sends us the above cutting demands similar
+reductions in English markets in order that he may live within his
+income of _minus_ two pounds a week.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: =INCORRIGIBLES.=
+
+"EXCUSE ME, SIR--I'M DOWN HERE FOR A REST CURE, AND NOT ALLOWED TO
+LOOK AT A NEWSPAPER. PERHAPS YOU WOULDN'T MIND TELLING ME WHAT KAFFIRS
+STOOD AT YESTERDAY?"
+
+"SORRY I CAN'T OBLIGE YOU. I'VE SWORN OFF NEWSPAPERS MYSELF. THIS IS
+_THE SHRIMPTON COURIER_ FOR FEBRUARY 12 THAT MY LANDLADY WRAPPED MY
+SANDWICHES IN."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE BEGINNER.
+
+Six months ago Maurice Gillstone's flat was the home of unrest.
+Maurice was one of those authors who tire of their creations before
+completion. He would get an idea, begin to write and then turn to some
+other theme.
+
+It made the domestic atmosphere difficult. You would go to call on the
+Gillstones and find them plunged in despair. Maurice would gaze at you
+with a wild unseeing eye, pass his hand through his dishevelled hair,
+mutter "The inspiration has left me," and fling himself into a chair
+and groan. Mrs. Maurice would burst into tears.
+
+The flat was strewn with fragments of manuscripts. Plays, novels,
+poems (none finished) littered the rooms in profusion; a brilliant
+but isolated Scene I., stray opening chapters of novels, detached
+prologues of mighty epics.
+
+"His beginnings are wonderful," Mrs. Maurice would wail between her
+sobs; "keen critics and men of the most delicate literary taste rave
+over them; but if he can't finish them, what's the use?"
+
+It was very sad.
+
+Then John Edmund Drall, the inventor of the non-alcoholic beverage
+which is now a household word and an old friend of the Gillstones,
+came along and tried to cure Maurice of his literary defect by the
+sort of ruse one would employ on a jibbing horse. He sent Maurice a
+bottle of his Lemonbeer and asked him to write an appreciation of that
+noxious fluid.
+
+"I have asked Maurice," Drall confided to me, "to scribble a
+testimonial to Lemonbeer. It will kind of break the spell, and it
+wouldn't be Maurice if he didn't turn out a perfect gem of literary
+composition. I know my Lemonbeer is really good and I know that
+Maurice is extremely appreciative. Maurice is under a spell. It must
+be broken. If he can write a complete testimonial he will easily
+finish all those beginnings of his." The idea seemed sound.
+
+Well, Maurice drank the Lemonbeer and, in spite of an increasing
+tendency to swoon, did begin to write a gem of a testimonial. He had,
+however, written but the first four words of it when he fainted. These
+words were "Lemonbeer is the best...."
+
+Maurice would do anything for a friend, and, as I say, had actually
+written "Lemonbeer is the best ..." after drinking a whole bottle of
+it.
+
+It was Drall's advertisement manager who said that in point of selling
+power this testimonial was unsurpassed. "The finished completeness of
+the composition," he said, "shows sheer genius. Just four words. A
+word added or subtracted would ruin it."
+
+When Maurice came to and learnt how brilliant he had been he simply
+put on his hat and walked round to a Film Agency to say that he was
+prepared to write--and complete--any number of masterpieces. Since
+that day he has never looked back.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Commercial Candour.=
+
+    "ANTIQUE SILVER.
+
+    Mr. ---- invites all interested to inspect his fine stock which he
+    can offer just new at exceptionally low prices."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+[Illustration: _Peggy._ "PLEASE, MISS JUDKIN, MUMMY SAYS WILL YOU
+KINDLY LET HER HAVE A LITTLE BRANDY FOR OUR GOAT? IT'S VERY ILL AND
+MUMMY IS AFRAID IT'S DYING."
+
+_Miss Judkin._ "TELL YOUR MOTHER I'M VERY SORRY, BUT THE ONLY BRANDY
+I'VE GOT IS VERY OLD."
+
+_Peggy._ "OH, THAT WILL DO SPLENDIDLY. IT'S A VERY OLD GOAT."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+THE FAIR.
+
+  Look up, my child, the sirens whoop
+    Shrill invitations to the Fair,
+  The yellow swing-boats soar and swoop,
+    The Gavioli organs blare;
+  Bull-throated show-men, bracken-brown,
+  Compete to shout each other down.
+
+  Behold the booths of gingerbread,
+    Of nougat and of peppermints,
+  The stall of toys where overhead
+    Balloons of gay translucent tints
+  Float on the breeze and drift and sway;
+  Fruit of a fairy vine are they.
+
+  Within this green fantastic grot
+    Bright-coloured balls are danced and spun
+  On jets ("'Ere, lovey, 'ave a shot");
+    A gipsy lady tends a gun,
+  A very rose of gipsy girls,
+  With earrings glinting in her curls.
+
+  Will marvels cease? This humble booth
+    Enshrines a dame of royal birth,
+  Princess Badrubidure, forsooth,
+    The fattest princess on the earth;
+  Come, we will stand where kings have stood,
+  And you shall pinch her if you're good.
+
+  The brasses gleam, the mirrors flash,
+    How splendid is the Round-About!
+  The organ brays, the cymbals clash,
+    The spotted horses bound about
+  Their whirling platform, full of beans,
+  And country girls ride by like queens.
+
+  Professor Battling Bendigo
+    (Ex ten-stone champion of the West)
+  Parades the stage before his show
+    And swells his biceps and his chest;
+  "Is England's manhood dead and gone?"
+  He asks; "Won't no one take me on?"
+
+  A big drum booms, revolvers crack;
+    Who is this hero that appears,
+  A velvet tunic on his back,
+    His whiskers curling round his ears?
+  'Tis he who drew the jungle's sting,
+  Diabolo, the Lion King.
+
+  Within are birds beyond belief
+    And creatures colourful and quaint:
+  Lean dingoes weighed with secret grief
+    And monkey humourists who ain't;
+  Bears, camels, pards--Look up, my dear,
+  The wonders of the world are here!
+
+  PATLANDER.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"CELLS BELOW ZERO FOR T.B. PATIENTS.
+
+Ink in Nurses' Pens Froze when Taking Men's Temperature."--_Canadian
+Paper._
+
+Personally, we prefer having ours taken with a thermometer.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"OFFENCES UNDER THE LIGHTING ORDERS.
+
+--At Thursday's petty session Emile ---- was paid L1 for having no
+near side light on his motor car."--_Local Paper._
+
+But ought foreign offenders to be favoured in this way?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+"Richmond camp is a scene of bustling activity from sunrise to
+reveille, or 'Taps' as the Americans term it."--_Evening Paper._
+
+And after that the boy scouts would appear to have had a nice long day
+to themselves.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: IF WINSTON SET THE FASHION--
+
+PREMIER (_entering Cabinet Council Room_). "WHAT--NOBODY HERE?"
+
+BUTLER. "YOU FORGET, SIR. THIS IS PRESS DAY. THE GENTLEMEN ARE ALL
+FINISHING THEIR NEWSPAPER ARTICLES."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: A LONG PARTNERSHIP.
+
+_Capt. Wedgwood Benn_ (_to Mr. Asquith_). "ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU
+TOOK THE GLOVES OFF AND HAD A GO AT 'EM YOURSELF?" _Top Row_ (_reading
+from left to right_).--Mr. G. R. THORNE, Mr. DEVLIN, Sir DONALD
+MACLEAN, Mr. CLYNES, Gen. SEELY, Col. WEDGWOOD. _Middle Row._--The
+SPEAKER, Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY, Mr. BONAR LAW, Mr. LLOYD GEORGE,
+Mr. ASQUITH, Capt. WEDGWOOD BENN. _Bottom Row._--Mr. GEORGE LAMBERT,
+Mr. WHITLEY (_Chairman of Committees_).]
+
+
+=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.=
+
+_Monday, August 2nd._--The rain that drenched the Bank-holiday-makers
+had its counterpart inside the House of Commons in the shower of
+Questions arising out of Mr. CHURCHILL'S article on the Polish crisis
+in an evening newspaper. Members of various parties sought to know
+whether, when the WAR SECRETARY said that peace with Soviet Russia was
+only another form of war and apparently invited the co-operation of
+the German militarists to fight the Bolshevists, he was expressing the
+views of the Government; and if not, what had become of the doctrine
+of collective responsibility?
+
+The PRIME MINISTER manfully tried to shield his colleague from the
+storm, but the effort took all his strength and ingenuity, and more
+than once it seemed as if an unusually violent blast would blow his
+umbrella inside out. His principal points were that the article did
+not mean what it appeared to say; that if it did it was not so much
+an expression of policy as of a "hankering"--("HANKERING. An uneasy
+craving to possess or enjoy something"--_Dictionary_); that he could
+not control his colleagues' desires or their expression, even in a
+newspaper hostile to the Government, so long as they were consistent
+with the policy of the Government; and that he was not aware of
+anything in this particular article that "cut across any declaration
+of policy by His Majesty's Government."
+
+This does not sound very convincing perhaps, but it was sufficient to
+satisfy Members, whose chief anxiety is to get off as soon as possible
+to the country, and who voted down by 134 to 32 an attempt to move the
+adjournment.
+
+The CHIEF SECRETARY formally introduced a Bill "to make provision for
+the restoration and maintenance of order in Ireland." Earlier in the
+sitting the PRIME MINISTER had declined Mr. DE VALERA'S alleged offer
+to accept a republic on the Cuban pattern, and had reiterated his
+intention to pass the Home Rule Bill after the Recess.
+
+Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR is a declared opponent of both these measures, but
+that did not prevent him from contrasting the lightning speed of the
+House when passing coercion for Ireland with its snail-like pace when
+approaching conciliation. In fifty years it had not given justice to
+Ireland; it was to be asked to give injustice to Ireland in fewer
+hours.
+
+_Tuesday, August 3rd._--That genial optimist Lord PEEL commended the
+Ministry of Mines Bill as being calculated to restore harmony and
+goodwill among masters and men. According to Lord GAINFORD the best
+way to secure this result is to hand back the control of the mines
+to their owners, between whom and the employes, he declared, cordial
+relations had existed in the past. Still, the owners would work the
+Bill for what it was worth, and hoped the miners would do the same.
+Lord HALDANE said that was just what the miners had announced their
+intention of not doing unless they were given a great deal more power
+than the Bill proposed. But this lack of enthusiasm in no way damped
+Lord PEEL'S ardour. Indeed he observed that he had "never introduced a
+Bill that was received with any sort of enthusiasm." Mollified by this
+engaging candour the Peers gave the Bill a Second Reading.
+
+I am glad to record another example of Government economy. To Mr.
+GILBERT, who desired that more sandpits should be provided in the
+London parks for the delectation of town-tied children, Sir ALFRED
+MOND reluctantly but sternly replied that "in view of the considerable
+expenditure involved" he did not feel justified in adding to the
+existing number of three.
+
+Dumps suggest dolefulness, but the debate on the action of the
+Disposals Board in disposing of the accumulations at Slough, St. Omer
+and elsewhere was decidedly lively. Mr. HOPE led off by attacking the
+recent report of the Committee on National Expenditure, and declared
+that its Chairman, though a paragon of truth, was not necessarily a
+mirror of accuracy. The Chairman himself (Sir F. BANBURY), seated for
+the nonce upon the Opposition Bench, replied with appropriate vigour
+in a speech which caused Sir GORDON HEWART to remark that the passion
+for censoriousness was not a real virtue, but which greatly pleased
+the Labour Party, in acknowledging whose compliments Sir FREDERICK
+severely strained the brim of his tall hat.
+
+After these star-turns the "walking gentlemen" had their chance.
+Sixteen times were they called upon to parade the Division Lobbies
+by an Opposition which on one occasion registered no fewer than
+fifty-three votes.
+
+_Wednesday, August 4th._--One of the few Irish institutions which all
+Irishmen unite in praising is the mail service between Kingstown and
+Holyhead. Even the Sinn Feiners would think twice before cutting this
+link between England and Ireland. Yet, according to Lord ORANMORE AND
+BROWNE, the British Post Office has actually given notice to terminate
+the contract. He was assured, however, by Lord CRAWFORD that tenders
+for a new contract would shortly be invited and that, whoever secured
+it, the efficiency of the service would be maintained.
+
+It was nearly eight o'clock before the Ministry of Mines came on. Lord
+SALISBURY thought it would be improper to consider so important a
+measure after dinner; Lord CRAWFORD thought it would be still more
+improper to suggest that the Peers would not be in a condition to
+transact business after that meal. He carried his point, but at the
+expense of the Bill, for Lord SALISBURY, returning like a giant
+refreshed, induced their Lordships to transform the Minister of Mines
+into a mere Under-Secretary of the Board of Trade, thus defeating,
+according to Lord PEEL, the principal purpose of the measure.
+
+It was another day of rather small beer in the Commons. There were,
+however, one or two _dicta_ of note. Thus Sir BERTRAM FALK, who
+was concerned because Naval officers received no special marriage
+allowance, was specifically assured by Sir JAMES CRAIG that the
+Admiralty will not prevent men from marrying. I understood, however,
+that it will not recognise a wife in every port.
+
+_Thursday, August 5th._--With lofty disregard of a hundred-and-twenty
+years of history the Duke of NORTHUMBERLAND informed the Peers that
+the present state of Ireland was due to Bolshevism. Having diagnosed
+the disease so clearly he ought to have been ready with a remedy, but
+could suggest nothing more practical than the holding of mass meetings
+to organise British public opinion.
+
+Meanwhile the Commons were engaged in rushing through with the aid
+of the "guillotine" a Bill for the restoration of order in the
+distressful country. Mr. BONAR LAW, usually so accurate, fell into an
+ancient trap, and declared that the Sinn Fein leaders had "raised a
+_Frankenstein_ that they cannot control."
+
+Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD made as good a defence of the Bill as was possible
+in the circumstances. But neither he nor anybody else could say how
+courts-martial, which are "to act on the ordinary rules of evidence,"
+will be successful in bringing criminals to justice if witnesses
+refuse to come forward.
+
+Mr. T. P. O'CONNOR re-delivered the anti-coercion speech which he has
+been making off and on for the last forty years. Mr. DEVLIN was a
+little more up-to-date, for he introduced a reference to the Belfast
+riots and drew from the CHIEF SECRETARY an assurance that the Bill
+would be as applicable to Ulster as to the rest of Ireland.
+
+Mr. ASQUITH denounced the Bill with unusual animation, and was sure
+that it would do more harm than good. Cromwellian treatment needed
+a CROMWELL, but he did not see one on the Treasury Bench. "CROMWELL
+yourself!" retorted the PRIME MINISTER. The only unofficial supporter
+of the Bill, and even he "no great admirer," was Lord HUGH CECIL; but
+nevertheless the Second Reading was carried by 289 to 71.
+
+The House afterwards gave a Second Reading to the Census (Ireland)
+Bill, on the principle, as Captain ELLIOTT caustically observed, that
+if you can't do anything with the people of Ireland you might at least
+find out how many of them there are.
+
+_Friday, August 6th._--The remaining stages of the Coercion Bill were
+passed under the "guillotine." Mr. DEVLIN declared that this was not
+"cricket," and refused to play any longer; but it is only fair to say
+that he had not then seen our artist's picture.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: "AN' WHEN I TOLD 'IM IN THE ORFICE THAT ME MONEY WASN'T
+RIGHT, HE SAYS, ''ERE 'S A READY RECKONER--WORK IT OUT YERSELF;' AN'
+BELIEVE ME OR BELIEVE ME NOT, BUT WHEN I LOOKED AT THE BLESSED BOOK I
+FOUND IT WAS LAST YEAR'S."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "At this stage the Chairman withdrew complaining of a head-ache
+    without nominating a successor, darkness set in and there were no
+    lights. Along with the Chairman some forty people also left in a
+    body. What happened afterwards is not clear."
+
+    _Indian Paper._
+
+We don't wonder the reporter was baffled.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DEAR MR. PUNCH.--_Re_ the authorship of SHAKSPEARE'S plays, may I
+quote from _Twelfth Night_, Act I., Scene V.? Thank you.
+
+
+  "'Tis beauty truly blent, whose red and white
+  Nature's own sweet and cunning hand laid on."
+
+
+This is unquestionably bacon.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Vicar_ (_in a gallant attempt to cover his
+opponent's eloquence_) _sings._ "WE PLOUGH THE FIELDS AND SCATTER--"]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=ROAD CONDITIONS FOR CHARABANCS.=
+
+The following road information is compiled from reports received by
+the Charabanc Defence Association:--
+
+The Lushborough road is good and free from obstruction as far as
+Great Boundingley, but from Chatback to Wrothley the conditions are
+unfavourable. The bridge one mile south of the former place has been
+occupied by a strong force of unfriendly natives, and several cases of
+tarring have been reported. There is, however, an alternative route
+_via_ Boozeley, but great caution is advised in passing through
+Wrothley, passengers being recommended to provide themselves with a
+good supply of loose metal before entering the village, where most of
+the houses are protected with iron shutters. Helmets should not
+be removed before reaching Cadbridge, where there is no danger of
+retaliation.
+
+Bottles may be discharged freely all along the Muckley road as far
+as Ruddiham, but caution is needed at Bashfield Corner, from which
+a small band of snipers has not yet been dislodged, though their
+ammunition is running short. Passengers should be prepared to use all
+the resources of their vocabulary at Bargingham, where the inhabitants
+enjoy a well-deserved repute for their command of picturesque
+invective. It would be humiliating to the whole charabanc
+confraternity if they were to yield their pre-eminence in this branch
+of education to a small rural community.
+
+Thanks to the vigilance of the well-armed patrols of the Charabanc
+Defence Association the main roads in East Anglia are almost clear
+of the enemy. Caution must still be observed in passing through
+Garningham at night. One of the hardiest "charabankers" was recently
+prostrated in that village by a well-aimed epithet from the oldest
+inhabitant. A writer in a Norwich paper recently described the
+area within ten miles of Whelksham as "a paradise for baboon-faced
+Yahooligans." But these futile ebullitions of malice are powerless to
+check the triumphal progress of the charabanc in the Eastern Counties.
+
+But no route at present offers more favourable or exhilarating
+opportunities to the high-minded excursionist than the main Gath road
+from Scrapston to Kinlarry. Excellent sport is afforded just outside
+Stillminster, where Sir John Goodfellow's greenhouses are within easy
+bottle-throw of the road and furnish a splendid target. On the
+whole, however, it is thought advisable to abstain from saluting
+the neighbouring hospital for shell-shock patients with a salvo of
+megaphones, local opinion being adverse to such manifestations.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=RHYMES OF THE UNDERGROUND.=
+
+  The Ealing trains run frequently,
+    The Ealing trains run fast;
+  I stand at Gloucester Road and see
+    A many hurtling past;
+  They go to Acton, Turnham Green,
+  And stations I have never seen,
+  Simply because my lot has been
+    In other places cast.
+
+  The folk on Ealing trains who ride
+    They, pitying, bestow
+  On me a look instinct with pride;
+    But I would have them know
+  That, while on Wimbledonian plains
+  My humble domicile remains,
+  I HAVE NO USE FOR EALING TRAINS,
+    Though still they come and go.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Conversation of the moment in a City restaurant:--
+
+REGULAR CUSTOMER (_looking down menu_). "Waiter, why is cottage pie
+never on now?"
+
+WAITER. "Well, Sir, since this 'ere shortage of 'ouses we ain't
+allowed to make 'em any more."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE REVIVAL OF THE FITTEST.
+
+(_Written after reading Mr. Francis W. GALPIN'S "Old English
+Instruments of Music_.")
+
+  I am no skilful vocalist;
+    I can't control my _mezza gola_;
+  I have but an indifferent fist
+    (Or foot) upon the Pianola.
+
+  But there are instruments, I own,
+    That fire me with a fond ambition
+  To master for their names alone
+    Apart from their august tradition.
+
+  They are the Fipple-Flute, a word
+    Suggestive of seraphic screeches;
+  The Poliphant comes next, and third
+    The Humstrum--aren't they perfect peaches?
+
+  About their tone I cannot say
+    Much that would carry clear conviction,
+  For, till I read of them to-day,
+    I knew them not in fact or fiction.
+
+  As yet I am, alas! without
+    Instruction in the art of fippling,
+  Though something may be found about
+    It in the works of LEAR or KIPLING.
+
+  And possibly I may unearth
+    In LECKY or in LAURENCE OLIPHANT
+  Some facts to remedy my dearth
+    Of knowledge bearing on the Poliphant.
+
+  But, now their pictures I have seen
+    In GALPIN'S learned dissertation,
+  So far as in me lies I mean
+    To bring about their restoration.
+
+  Yet since I cannot learn all three
+    And time is ever onward humming,
+  My few remaining years shall be
+    Devoted wholly to humstrumming.
+
+  That, when my bones to rest are laid,
+    Upon my tomb it may be written:
+  "He was the very last who played
+    Upon the Humstrum in Great Britain."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+THE SPIDER.
+
+Lately we had occasion to consider the place of the grasshopper in
+modern politics. Now let us consider the place of the spider in our
+social life.
+
+It seems to me that the spider is the most accomplished and in some
+ways the most sensible insect we have in these parts. In my opinion a
+great deal too much fuss has been made about the bee. She is a knowing
+little thing, but the spider is her superior in many ways. Yet no one
+seems to write books or educational rhymes about the spider. It is
+really a striking example of the well-known hypocrisy and materialism
+of the British race. The bee is held up to the young as a model of
+industry and domestic virtue--and why? Simply because she manufactures
+food which we happen to like. The spider is held up to the young as
+the type of rapacity, malice and cruelty, on the sole ground that he
+catches flies, though we do not pretend that we are fond of flies, and
+conveniently ignore the fact that, if the spider did not swat that
+fly, we should probably swat it ourselves.
+
+The real charge against the spider is that he doesn't make any food
+for us. As for the virtue and nobility of the bee, I don't see it. The
+only way in which she is able to accumulate all that honey at all is
+by massacring the unfortunate males by the thousand as soon as she
+conveniently can, a piece of Prussianism which may be justified on
+purely material grounds, but is scarcely consistent with her high
+reputation for morality and lovingkindness. If it could be shown that
+the bee consciously collected all that honey with the idea that we
+should annex it there might be something to be said for her on moral
+grounds; but nobody pretends that. Now look at the spider. We are told
+that as a commercial product spider-silk has been found to be equal if
+not superior to the best silk spun by the Lepidopterous larvae, with
+whom, of course, you are familiar. "But the cannibalistic propensities
+of spiders, making it impossible to keep more than one in a single
+receptacle ... have hitherto prevented the silk being used ... for
+textile fabrics." So that it comes to this: if spiders are useless
+because they eat each other, the bees do much the same thing (only
+wholesale), but it makes them commercially useful. The bee therefore
+we place upon a pinnacle of respectability, but the spider we despise.
+Faugh! the hypocrisy of it makes me sick. My children will be taught
+to venerate the spider and despise the bee.
+
+For, putting aside the question of moral values, look what the spider
+can do. What is there in the clammy, not to say messy, honey-comb to
+be compared with the delicate fabric of the spider's web? Indeed,
+should we ever have given a single thought to the honey-comb if it had
+had no honey in it? Do we become lyrical about the wasp's comb? We do
+not. It is a case where greed and materialism have warped our artistic
+perceptions. The spider can lower itself from the drawing-room ceiling
+to the floor by a silken thread produced out of itself. Still more
+marvellous, he can climb up the same thread to the ceiling when he
+is bored, winding up the thread inside him as he goes, and so making
+pursuit impossible. What can the bee do to equal that? And how is it
+done? We don't even know. _The Encyclopaedia Britannica_ doesn't know;
+or if it does it doesn't let on. But the whole tedious routine of the
+bee's domestic pottering day is an open book to us. Ask yourself,
+which would you rather do, be able to collect honey and put it in a
+suitable receptacle, or be able to let yourself down from the top
+floor to the basement by a silken rope produced out of your tummy, and
+then climb up it again when you want to go upstairs, just winding up
+the rope inside you? I think you will agree that the spider has it. It
+is hard enough, goodness knows, to wind up an ordinary ball of string
+so that it will go into the string-box properly. What one would do if
+one had to put it in one's bread-box I can't think. When my children
+grow up, instead of learning
+
+  "How doth the little busy bee ..."
+
+they will learn--
+
+  How doth the jolly little spider
+  Wind up such miles of silk inside her,
+  When it is clear that spiders' tummies
+  Are not so big as mine or Mummy's?
+  The explanation seems to be,
+  They do not eat so much as me.
+
+That will point the moral of moderation in eating, you see. There will
+be a lot more verses, I expect; I can see _cram_ and _diaphragm_ and
+possibly _jam_ coming very soon. But we must get on.
+
+The spider is like the bee in this respect, that the male seems to
+have a most rotten time. For one thing he is nearly always about
+two sizes smaller than the female. Owing to that and to what _The
+Encyclopaedia Britannica_ humorously describes as "the greater
+voracity" of the female (there is a lot of quiet fun in _The
+Encyclopaedia Britannica_), he is a very brave spider who makes a
+proposal of marriage. "He makes his advances to his mate at the risk
+of his life and is not infrequently killed and eaten by her before or
+after" they are engaged ("before or after" is good). "Fully aware of
+the danger he pays his addresses with extreme caution, frequently
+waiting for hours in her vicinity before venturing to come to close
+quarters. Males of the _Argyopidae_ hang on the outskirts of the webs
+of the females and signal their presence to her by jerking the radial
+threads in a peculiar manner." This is, of course, the origin of the
+quaint modern custom by which the young man rings the bell before
+attempting to enter the web of his beloved in Grosvenor Square.
+Contemporary novelists have even placed on record cases in which the
+male has "waited for hours in her vicinity before venturing to come
+to close quarters;" but too much attention must not be paid to these
+imaginative accounts. If I have said enough to secure that in future a
+little more kindliness and respect will be shown to the spider in the
+nurseries of this great Empire, and a little less of it wasted on the
+bee, I have not misspent my time.
+
+But I shall not be content. Can we not go further? Can we not get a
+little more of the simplicity of spider life into this hectic world of
+ours? In these latitudes the spider lives only for a single season.
+"The young emerge from the cocoon in the early spring, grow through
+the summer and reach maturity in the early autumn. _The sexes then
+pair and perish_ soon after the female has constructed her cocoon."
+How delicious! No winter; no bother about coal; no worry about the
+children's education; just one glorious summer of sport, one wild
+summer of fly-catching and midge-eating, a romantic, not to say
+dangerous wooing, a quiet wedding in the autumn, dump the family in
+some nice unfurnished cocoon--and perish. Is there nothing to be said
+for that? How different from the miserable bee, which just goes on and
+on, worrying about posterity, working and working, fussing about....
+
+Yet all our lives are modelled on the bee's.
+
+A. P. H.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _Mr. Meere._ "YOU'LL REALLY HAVE TO BE MORE CAREFUL,
+DEAR, HOW YOU SPEAK TO THE COOK OR SHE'LL BE LEAVING US."
+
+_Mrs. M._ "PERHAPS I WAS RATHER SEVERE."
+
+_Mr. M._ "SEVERE! WHY, ANYONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO
+ME."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+DOWN-OUR-COURT CIRCULAR.
+
+Why should not some of the other people, who also enjoy life, have
+their movements recorded too? Like this:--
+
+During Mr. William Sikes' visit to the Devonshire moors Mrs. Sikes
+will remain in town.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. and Mrs. James Harris have arrived in London from Southend.
+
+       * * *
+
+Miss Levi, Miss Hirsch and Master Isaacson are among the guests at
+Victoria Park, where some highly successful children's parties have
+been given.
+
+       * * *
+
+Epping is much in favour just now, and a large number of (public)
+house-parties have been arranged. Among those entertaining this week
+are Mr. Henry Higgins, Mr. Robert Atkins and Mr. John Smith.
+
+       * * *
+
+Mr. Henry Hawkins, Mrs. Hawkins, Mr. Henry Hawkins, junior, and Miss
+Hawkins left town on August 2nd for Hampstead Heath, for a day's
+riding and shooting. A large bag of nuts was obtained. Mr. Hawkins has
+not yet returned.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  "LITTLE PROGRESS MADE.
+  KING  STILL  DEFIANT."
+  _Daily Paper._
+
+  Oh, dear! Another complication!
+  Who is the monarch? Which the nation?
+  We breathe again. The Leicester pro.
+  Kept up his end four hours or so.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+    "Another of the big round landlords of London is selling his
+    estate.
+
+    Sir Joseph Doughty Tichborne is selling his Doughty Estate of 14
+    acres."--_Evening Paper._
+
+It recalls the famous case. "The Claimant" would certainly have made
+"a big round landlord."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "Here then is a new development of serious local journalism. Just
+    an unpretentious but exceedingly well-printed village sheet,
+    breathing local atmosphere, emitting nothing that can possibly
+    interest the natives."
+
+_Local Paper._
+
+But we seem to have seen journals like this before.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+From a Dutch bulb-grower's catalogue:--
+
+    "Nothing but Inferior quality being sent out from my Nurseries. My
+    terms are Cash with order only."
+
+In matters of commerce this Dutchman appears to be maintaining his
+country's reputation.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE ANNIVERSARY.=
+
+It began as quite an ordinary day. I read my paper at breakfast and
+Kathleen poured out the coffee. She wore that little frown between her
+eyebrows that means that she is thinking out the menu for lunch and
+dinner and hoping that Nurse hasn't burnt Baby's porridge again. This
+is married life.
+
+Then I started in a hurry for the office, hurling a "Good-bye, dear"
+through the open window as I passed. The 9.15 leaves little time for
+affection. That too is married life.
+
+It was the sweetbriar hedge that made me decide to miss the 9.15. It
+clutched hold of me suddenly and told me that the sky was very blue
+and the woods very green, and that the office was an absurd thing on
+such a day.
+
+I went slowly back home round the outside of the garden wall. Someone
+was singing in the garden. I stopped and whistled a tune. A face
+appeared over the wall--rather an attractive face.
+
+"Hello!" it said; "someone I knew a long time ago used to whistle that
+tune outside my garden."
+
+"Hello!" I said; "come out for a walk?"
+
+"I can't come out at the bidding of young men on the highway. It isn't
+done."
+
+"Never mind. Come out."
+
+"Have I ever been introduced to you?"
+
+"Introductions went out years ago. Come by the side gate."
+
+She came. She held a shady hat in her hand and walked on tip-toe.
+
+"Sh!" she cautioned; "no one must see me. I have a reputation, you
+know. I don't want the Vicar to denounce me from the pulpit on Sunday
+in front of Baby."
+
+"I will be quite frank with you," she went on, holding out her left
+hand with a dramatic flourish; "I am married--I have a husband."
+
+I gave a hollow groan; then, with a manly effort, I mastered my
+emotion.
+
+"I hope he's nice to you," I said.
+
+"No, he isn't. He grouches off to the office in the morning and
+grouches back in the evening and reads newspapers. He's just grouched
+off now."
+
+"The callous brute!" I hissed through my teeth.
+
+"There's worse than that," she said darkly.
+
+"No!"
+
+"Yes. To-day, to-day is an anniversary, and he forgot it." The manner
+was that of MADAME BERNHARDT.
+
+"Anniversaries," I said reassuringly, "are difficult to remember. They
+accumulate so."
+
+"Are you defending him?" she protested.
+
+"Er--no," I said hastily. "The man's an unmitigated scoundrel. He
+ought to be divorced or something. What anniversary was it?"
+
+"Our wedding-day," she said with a sob in the voice.
+
+"Heavens!" I said. "Oh, the dastardly ruffian!"
+
+"_You_ wouldn't forget your wedding-day, would you?"
+
+"_Never!_" I said hoarsely.
+
+"You're quite rather nice," she sighed.
+
+"You're adorable," I said readily.
+
+"How lovely! My husband never says things like that." And she leant
+against my shoulder.
+
+We got on rather well after that. We had lunch in an inn garden, where
+you could smell lavender and sweet peas and roses and where there were
+box hedges turned under magical spells into giant birds. We discovered
+a stream in a wood with hart's-tongue fern growing along its banks. I
+picked her armfuls of wild roses.
+
+"It's to make up," I said, "because your brute of a husband forgot
+your wedding-day."
+
+"I'd love to be married to you," she said brazenly.
+
+I turned aside to brush away a bitter tear.
+
+It was almost dusk when we got back to the side gate.
+
+"Good-bye," she whispered. "Go away quickly; I believe that's the
+Vicar coming down the road."
+
+Then she shut the gate with gentle swiftness in my face. I walked
+round to the front door. She was in the hall.
+
+"Hello!" she said; "I hope you had a good day at the office?"
+
+"Thanks," I said; "pretty rotten."
+
+"I've had a lovely day," she said; "I picked up such a nice young man
+in the high road. He's taking me out to-night. He's just going to ring
+up for seats."
+
+Without a word I went to the telephone.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=The Right Order of Things at Last.=
+
+"A Gentleman would be pleased to Recommend his Butler in whose service
+he has been three years."--_Daily Paper._
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "TO AMERICANS IN LONDON.--The ----, Cornwall, offers you
+    comfortable home while on this side; far away from the madding
+    crown."--_Daily Paper._
+
+Republican prejudices respected.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+  There was a hard-swearing old sailor
+  Whose speech might have startled a jailer;
+  But he frankly avowed
+  That the charabanc crowd
+  Would not be allowed on a whaler.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=THE PATIENTS' LIBRARY.=
+
+Though a West-End physician of repute, he must, I think, have had a
+course of American training, if rapidity of action be any indication
+thereof.
+
+Scarcely had the maid ushered me into his study and I had taken a seat
+than he came forward brusquely, looked at me with the glowering eye of
+the _Second Murderer_, grasped a large piece of me in the region of
+the fourth rib and barked, "You're too fat."
+
+Having been carefully bred I refrained from retaliation. I did
+not tell him that his legs were out of drawing and that he had a
+frightfully vicious nose. But before I had time to explain my business
+he had started on a series of explosive directions: "Eat proper food.
+Plenty of open air. Exercise morning, noon and night and in between.
+Use the Muldow system. You need a tonic."
+
+He turned to his table and was, I suppose, about to draw a cheque for
+me on the local chemist's when I decided to say my little piece.
+
+"Excuse me, Sir," said I mildly, "I am not a patient."
+
+The combination fountain-pen and thermometer almost fell from his
+hand.
+
+"I am," said I, "the sole proprietor and sole representative of the
+Physicians' Supply Association. I gave your maid my card. I have
+called with a thrilling offer of magazines for your waiting-room."
+
+"What dates?" said he, a gleam of interest in his dark eye.
+
+"All pre-war," said I proudly; "none of them are later than 1900 and
+some go back to 1880."
+
+"Not B.C.?" said he, with a look in which hope and disbelief were
+mingled.
+
+"No," said I. "All are A.D.; but they include two Reports of Missions
+to Deep Sea Fishermen in 1885--very rare. I'm sure they would match
+splendidly the Proceedings of the Royal Commission on Aniline Dyes
+which you have in the waiting-room."
+
+"No," said he firmly. "I have one of the most important practices in
+Harley Street. I likewise possess one of the finest collections of old
+magazines in the profession. That blue-book on Aniline Dyes is barely
+fifty years old. It was left me by my father, and I retain it simply
+through affection for him in spite of its modernity. But the rest
+go back to the Crimean vintage and earlier. When you have something
+really old, come to me. But"--and he threw in a winning smile in his
+best bedside manner--"not till then."
+
+I am now in search of a young practitioner who is merely starting a
+collection.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+[Illustration SCENE.--_A Flower Show: Garden Ornament Section._
+
+_Mother._ "I DON'T CARE FOR THAT LITTLE FIGURE. HE'S TOO
+EIGHTEENTH-CENTURY FOR MY TASTE."
+
+_Critical Little Girl_ (_who has lately taken part in
+tableaux-vivants_). "HOW CAN YOU TELL WHAT CENTURY HE IS, MOTHER? HE'S
+GOT NO CLOTHES ON."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.
+
+(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._)
+
+If sorrow's crown of sorrow is as the poet says, it should be equally
+true that there is enough satisfaction in remembering unhappier things
+to ensure success for _The Crisis of the Naval War_ (CASSELL), the
+large and dignified volume in which Admiral of the Fleet Viscount
+JELLICOE OF SCAPA, G.C.B., O.M., G.C.V.O., reminds us how near the
+German submarines came to triumph in 1917, and details the various
+ways by which their menace was overcome. It is a solid book, written
+with authority, and addressed rather to the expert than to the casual
+reader; but even the latter individual (the middle-aged home-worker,
+for instance, remembering the rationed plate of beans and rice that
+constituted his lunch in the Spring of 1917) can thrill now to read of
+the precautions this represented, and the multiform activities that
+kept that distasteful dish just sufficiently replenished. I have
+observed that Viscount JELLICOE avoids any approach to sensationalism.
+His book however contains a number of exceedingly interesting
+photographs of convoys at sea, smoke-screens, depth-charges exploding,
+and the like, which the most uninformed can appreciate. And in at
+least one feature of "counter-measures," the history of the decoy or
+mystery ships, the record is of such exalted and amazing heroism that
+not the strictest language of officialdom can lessen its power to stir
+the heart. Who, for example, could read the story of _The Prize_, and
+the involuntary tribute from the captured German commander that rounds
+it off, without a glow of gratitude and pride? Do you recall how we
+would attempt to stifle curiosity with the unsatisfactory formula, "We
+shall know some day"? Here in this authoritative volume is another
+corner of the curtain lifted.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Although he is still comparatively a newcomer, a book with the
+signature of Mr. JOSEPH HERGESHEIMER is already something of a
+landmark in the publishing season. To this repute _Linda Condon_
+(HEINEMANN) will certainly add. In many ways I incline to think it, or
+parts of it, the best work that this unusual artist has yet done. The
+development of _Linda_, in the hateful surroundings of an American
+"hotel-child," through her detached and observant youth to a womanhood
+austere, remote, inspired only by the worship of essential beauty, is
+told with an exquisite rightness of touch that is a continual delight.
+Mr. HERGESHEIMER has above all else the gift of suggesting atmosphere
+and colour (ought I not in mere gratitude to bring myself to say
+"color"?); his picture of _Linda's_ amazing mother and the rest of
+the luxurious brainless company of her hotel existence has the exotic
+brilliance of the orchid-house, at once dazzling and repulsive. Later,
+in the course of her married life, inspiring and inspired by the
+sculptor _Pleydon_ (in whose fate the curious may perhaps trace some
+echo of recent controversy), the story of _Linda_ becomes inevitably
+less vivid, though its grasp of the reader's sympathy is never
+relaxed. In fine, a tale short as such go nowadays, but throughout
+of an arresting and memorable beauty. The state of modern American
+fiction has, if I may say so without offence, been for some time a
+cause of regret to the judicious; let Mr. HERGESHEIMER be resolute in
+refusing to lower his standard by over-production, and I look to see
+him leading a return towards the best traditions of an honourable
+past.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+It is not an impossible conception that _Sniping in France_
+(HUTCHINSON) will still be available in libraries in the year 2020
+A.D., and I can imagine the title then catching the eye of some
+enthusiastic sportsman, whose bent for game is stronger than his
+knowledge of history. Feeling that here is a new class of shooting for
+him to try his hand at, he will hasten to acquaint himself with the
+details and will discover that the first of the essentials is a
+European war in full blast. Whether or not he will see his way to
+arrange that for himself, I don't know and, since I shall not be
+present, I don't care. But in any case he will be absorbed in an
+eminently scientific and indeed romantic study of perhaps the most
+thrilling and deadly-earnest big game hunting there has ever been, and
+he will be left not a little impressed with the work of the author,
+Major H. HESKETH PRICHARD, D.S.O., M.C., his skill, energy and
+personality. As to this last he will find a brief summing-up in the
+foreword of General Lord HORNE, and he will be able to visualise the
+whole "blunderbuss" very clearly by the help of the illustrations of
+Mr. ERNEST BLAIKLEY, of the late Lieut. B. HEAD, and of the camera.
+There is undoubtedly much controversial matter in the book, which must
+necessarily give rise to the most remarkable gun-room discussions. I
+can well imagine some stout-hearted Colonel, prompted by his love for
+the plain soldier-man and his rooted dislike of all "specialists,"
+becoming very heated in the small hours of the morning about the
+paragraph on page 97, in which a division untrained in the Sniping
+Schools is in passing compared to a band of "careless and ignorant
+tourists."
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+Senor IBANEZ' new novel, _Mare Nostrum_ (CONSTABLE), is ostensibly a
+yarn about spies and submarines, its hero a gallant Spanish captain,
+_Ulysses Ferragut_, scion of a long line of sailormen. And there can
+be no doubt of the proper anti-German sentiments of this stout fellow,
+even though his impetuous passion for _Freya Talberg_, a Delilah in
+the service of the enemy, did make him store a tiny island with what
+the translator will persist in calling combustibles, meaning, one
+supposes, fuel. But more fundamentally it is an affectionate song
+of praise of the Mediterranean and the dwellers on its littoral,
+especially the fiery and hardy sailors of Spain, and of Spaniards, in
+particular the Valencians and Catalonians. Signor IBANEZ' method
+is distinctly discursive; he gives, for instance, six-and-twenty
+consecutive pages to the description of the inmates of the Naples
+Aquarium and is always ready to suspend his story for a lengthy
+disquisition on any subject, person or place that interests him. This
+puts him peculiarly at the mercy of his transliterator, who has a
+positive genius for choosing the wrong word and depriving any comment
+of its subtlety, any well-made phrase of its distinction. Even
+plain narrative such as the following is none too attractive:--"The
+voluminous documents would become covered with dust on his table and
+Don Esteban would have to saddle himself with the dates in order that
+the end of the legal procedures should not slip by." What ingenuous
+person authorises this sort of "authorised translation"?
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+If I may say so without offence, Mr. EDGAR RICE BURROUGHS reminds me
+a little of those billiard experts who, having evolved a particular
+stroke, will continue it indefinitely, to the joy of the faithful
+and the exasperated boredom of the others. To explain my metaphor, I
+gather that Mr. BURROUGHS, having "got set," to an incredible number
+of thousands, with an invention called _Tarzan_, is now by way of
+beating his own record over the adventures of _John Carter_ in the red
+planet Mars. Concerning these amazing volumes there is just this to
+say, that either you can read them with avidity or you can't read them
+at all. From certain casual observations I conceive the test to be
+primarily one of youth, for honesty compels my middle-age to admit
+a personal failure. I saw the idea; for one thing no egg was ever a
+quarter so full of meat as the Martian existence of incomprehensible
+thrills, to heighten the effect of which Mr. BURROUGHS has invented
+what amounts to a new language, with a glossary of its own, thus
+appealing to a well-known instinct of boyhood, but rendering the whole
+business of a more than Meredithian obscurity to the uninitiate. I
+have hitherto forgotten to say that the particular volume before me is
+called _The War Lord of Mars_ (METHUEN). I may add that it closes
+with the heroic _Carter_ hailed as Jeddak of Jeddaks, which sounds
+eminently satisfactory, though without conveying any definite promise
+of finality.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+[Illustration: _The Knight._ "LET'S SEE. WE HAVE ALREADY OVERCOME THE
+CHIEF JAILER AND HIS TEN ASSISTANTS, AND SLAIN THE FEARSOME HOUND
+WHICH GUARDED THE COURTYARD. WE HAVE NOW TO DESTROY THE ONE-EYED GIANT
+AND THE BEAN-FED DRAGON, SCALE THE OUTER WALL, SWIM THE MOAT AND THEN
+TO HORSE. COURAGE, SWEET LADY! YOU ARE PRACTICALLY SAVED."]
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+=Do Poultry Pay?=
+
+    "Six Hens for sale, some laying 7s. each."--_Local Paper._
+
+You will find three of them as good as a guinea-fowl.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+    "But the germ of Socialism or BZolshevism--however you like to
+    call it--has hardly entered the Polish working-class blood."
+
+    _Provincial Paper._
+
+We fear, however, that it has got into our contemporary's
+composing-room.
+
+       *       *       *       *       *
+
+
+Transcriber's Note:
+
+Page 116 corrected Typo: changed "Encylopaedia" to "Encyclopaedia".
+
+
+
+
+
+End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume
+159, August 11, 1920, by Various
+
+*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH ***
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