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diff --git a/19127.txt b/19127.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..e910cc5 --- /dev/null +++ b/19127.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2374 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +December 8, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, December 8, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seamus + +Release Date: August 26, 2006 [EBook #19127] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 156. + + + +December 8, 1920 + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +LORD RIDDELL, in giving his impression of President WILSON, says that +his trousers and boots were not in keeping with the smartness of +his appearance above the table. This is where the trained habits of +journalistic observation come in. + + * * * + +In answer to many inquiries we are unable to obtain confirmation of a +rumour that Mr. CHARLIE CHAPLIN'S contemplated retirement is connected +with an invitation from Mr. HORATIO BOTTOMLEY to enter the arena of +British politics. + + * * * + +According to an evening paper the lady who has just become Duchess of +Westminster has "one son, a boy." On the other hand the DUKE himself +has two daughters, both girls. + + * * * + +Over two million Chinese pigtails have been imported into the United +States, where they will be used for straining soup, declares a +Washington correspondent. The wartime curtailment of the moustache, it +appears, has done away with the old custom of straining the soup after +it comes to table. + + * * * + +A police magistrate of Louisville, Kentucky, has been called upon to +decide whether a man may marry his divorced wife's mother. In our view +the real question is whether, with a view to securing the sanctity of +the marriage tie, it should not be made compulsory. + + * * * + +"This morning," says a recent issue of a Dublin paper, "police visited +_Young Ireland_ office and placed arretssssshrrr rr rr r h bfad mb shs +under arrest." Suspicion was apparently aroused by his giving his name +in the Erse tongue. + + * * * + +Enormous damage, says a cable, has been done by a water-spout which +struck Tangier, Morocco, on Saturday. We note with satisfaction, on +the other hand, that the water-spout which recently struck Scotland +had no ill effects. + + * * * + +Every hotel in London taken over by the Government has now been given +up. The idea of keeping one as a memento was suggested, but Sir ALFRED +MOND decided to throw in his hand. + + * * * + +Asked his profession last week a man is reported to have answered, +"_Daily Mail_ Reader." + + * * * + +While a fire was being extinguished at Boston, Mass., recently the +hose burst into flames. A country where that sort of thing occurs can +afford to take Prohibition lying down. + + * * * + +A Constantinople message states that a Turk named ZORN MEHMED is one +hundred and forty-six years of age. This is said to be due to the fact +that for the last century or so he has kept a pet thyroid which he +takes about on a chain. + + * * * + +We have no wish to cast any reflection on the courage of the +Prohibitionists, but we can draw our own conclusions from the fact +that we haven't noticed them rushing to Ireland. + + * * * + +A Denver newspaper points out that the "Wild West bandit" has died +out. Our own impression was that he had got a job as a waiter in +London. + + * * * + +Things are settling down in America. A news report states that WILLARD +MACK, the actor, has only been divorced three times. + + * * * + +"We have an innate modesty about advertising ourselves," said Sir +ROBERT HORNE at the International Advertising Exhibition. A certain +colleague of his in the Ministry is reported to have said that Sir +ROBERT can speak for himself in future. + + * * * + +We understand that the idea of producing a filmed version of Mrs. +ASQUITH'S Diary has been shelved for the present, owing to the +difficulty of procuring actors for the more dangerously acrobatic +incidents. + + * * * + +An old lady writes to us with reference to wild-cat taxation that +she has always advocated it, but that she has understood that the +difficulty was to determine the ownership of these unfortunate +vagrants. + + * * * + +The new houses when ready, says a North of England Town Clerk, will +only be let to those people who are married. We have felt all along +that there was some catch about Dr. ADDISON'S housing scheme. + + * * * + +To a discreditable alien source has been traced the scandalous rumour +that the disappearance of the summit of Mont Blanc is due to certain +admirers of Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, who wished to present their hero with +something in the nature of a permanent peroration. + + * * * + +As a partial remedy for the overcrowding at Oxford, it is suggested +that the University should come into line with Battersea by making a +rule that lost causes will not be kept longer than three days before +being destroyed. + + * * * + +"I was the anonymous person who walked down Harley Street and counted +the number of open windows," confesses Sir ST. CLAIR THOMSON, M.D. So +now we can concentrate on JUNIUS and the Man in the Iron Mask. + + * * * +Motorists are becoming much more polite, we read. They now catch +pedestrians sideways, instead of full on. + + * * * + +According to an official of the R.S.P.C.A., as _Punch_ informed us +last week, dogs do not possess suicidal tendencies. Yet the other day +we saw an over-fed poodle deliberately loitering outside a sausage +factory. + + * * * + +"The number of curates who seem to be able to find plenty of time +for golf is most surprising," writes a correspondent. We suppose the +majority of them employ vicars. + + * * * + +Spanish toreadors are on strike for a higher wage. There is talk, we +understand, of a six bull week. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: "WHAT IS YOUR LITTLE BROTHER CRYING ABOUT?" "OH, +'IM--'E'S A REG'LAR PESSIMIST, 'E IS."] + + * * * * * + + +THE DARK AGES. + +(_Being reflections on the pre-press period._) + + [In _The Times_ of December 2nd Lord NORTHCLIFFE traces the + history of the English Press from the appearance of the first + newspaper uttered in English--"A Corrant out of Germany," + imprinted at Amsterdam, December 2nd, 1620--and finds some + difficulty in understanding how civilisation got on as well as it + did through all those preceding centuries.] + + To-day (December 2) we keep, with cheers, + The Tercentenary of the Press! + Probing the darkness of the previous years + I try, but try in vain, to guess + How anybody lived before the birth + Of this the Very Greatest Thing on Earth. + + You'd say it must have been a savage life. + Men were content to eat and drink + And spend the intervals in carnal strife + With none to teach them how to think; + They had no Vision and their minds were dense, + Largely for lack of True "Intelligence." + + When a volcano burst or floods occurred + No correspondent flashed the news; + It came by rumour or a little bird, + Devoid of editorial views; + No leader let them know to what extent + The blame should lie upon the Government. + + And yet, when no one knew in those dumb days + Exactly what was going on, + Without reporters they contrived to raise + The Pyramids and Parthenon; + CONFUCIUS preached the Truth, and so did PAUL, + Though neither of them got in print at all. + + It sounds incredible that, when in Greece + The poets sang to lyre or pipe, + When HOMER (say) threw off his little piece, + Nobody put the thing in type; + Even in days less barbarously rude + VIRGIL, it seems, was never interviewed. + + And how did DANTE manage to indite + His admirable tale of Hell, + Or BUONARROTI sculp his sombre "Night" + Without the kodak's magic spell-- + No Press-photographer, a dream of tact, + To snap the artist in the very act? + + Poor primitives, who groped amid the gloom + And perished ere the dawn of day, + Ere yet Publicity, with piercing boom, + Had shown the world a better way; + Before the age--so good for him that climbs-- + Now culminating in the NORTHCLIFFE times. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +How to Brighten the Weather Forecasts. + + "Mild and hazy conditions with increasing haze and cloudiness for + an unfavourable change in the weather of heliotrope georgette over + pale blue."--_New Zealand Paper._ + +We commend this to our own Meteorological Office. + + * * * * * + +Of the Bishop-designate of Manchester:-- + + "Head master of an important public school while yet in his teens + ... a permanent figure in social and religious movements ... the + author of 'Men's Creatrix.'"--_Provincial Paper._ + +We knew Canon TEMPLE had had a remarkable career, but confess that +these details had hitherto escaped us. + + * * * * * + +OUR LUCKY DIPPERS. + +Further and final particulars of the drawings from the Lucky Bag at +the Purple City are replete with illustrations of the extraordinary +congruity between the prizes and the age, sex and station of the +recipients. + +Mrs. Sarah Boakes, who received the colossal equestrian bronze statue +of Lord THANET, weighing three hundred tons and valued at five +thousand guineas, told our representative that the idea of getting one +of the big prizes never entered into her head, and added, "I did not +sleep a wink last night; the statue was in my mind the whole time." +Mrs. Boakes, an attractive elderly lady of some seventy-five summers, +is engaged at a laundry at East Putney. The haulage of the statue to +her home at 129, Arabella Road, S.W. 15, is likely to be a costly +affair; but Mrs. Boakes has made an application for a grant-in-aid to +the Ministry of Health and has received a sympathetic reply from Dr. +ADDISON. The cost of reconstructing her house to enable the statue to +be set up in her parlour is estimated at about L4,500. + +Mr. Jolyon Forsyth, who won the African elephant, is a stoker on the +South Western Railway and lives at Worplesdon. He applied to the +Company for a day's leave in order to ride his prize home; but his +request was most unwarrantably refused, and the matter is receiving +the earnest attention of the N.U.R. Mr. Forsyth informed our +representative that his wife keeps a small poultry run, and hopes that +she will be able to make room for the new visitor without seriously +incommoding her fowls. Failing that, he thinks that employment may be +found for the elephant on the Worplesdon Links, either in rolling the +greens or irrigating them with its trunk. The claims of the animal to +an unemployment allowance are being considered by Dr. MACNAMARA. + +Gladys Gilkes, a bright-eyed child of six, living with her parents +at 345, Beaverbrook Avenue, Harringay, who received a Sandringham +opera-hat, is enduring her felicity with fortitude. "I have never been +to the opera yet," she naively remarked to our representative, "but my +brother Bert plays beautifully on the concertina." + +Great interest has been excited in the neighbourhood of Tulse Hill +by the success of Mr. Enoch Pegler, the winner of the three-manual +electric cathedral organ with sixty-four stops, the most sonorous +instrument of its type yet constructed by Messrs. Waghorn and Fogg, +the famous organ-builders of Penge. A special piquancy is lent to the +episode by the fact that Mr. Pegler, who is seventy-nine years of age +and has long been a martyr to rheumatoid arthritis in both hands, +belongs to the sect of the Silentiary Tolstoyans, who discountenance +all music, whether sacred or profane. Mr. Pegler, it should be +explained, authorised his grandniece, Miss Hester Wigglesworth, to put +in for the Lucky Bag in his name, but, on the advice of the family +physician, Dr. Parry Gorwick, the result has not yet been broken to +him. Meanwhile, thanks to the tactful intervention of Sir ERIC GEDDES, +the instrument has been temporarily housed in the Zoological Gardens, +where daily recitals are given at meal-times by Dr. CHALMERS MITCHELL +and other powerful executants. Unfortunately the organ was not yet +installed at the time of the recent encounter between a lion and a +tigress, otherwise the fatality would, in the opinion of Sir FREDERICK +BRIDGE, have almost certainly been avoided. + + * * * * * + + When that my Judith sticks her slender nose + In things whereon a lass doth ill to trench, + An ever-widening breach my fancy shows, + For this is but the thin end of the wench. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: LABOR OMNIA VINCIT. + +"TURN HIM TO ANY CAUSE OF POLICY, THE GORDIAN KNOT OF IT HE WILL +UNLOOSE, FAMILIAR AS HIS GARTER." + +_HENRY V._, I. i. 46.] + +[Illustration: _The Girl._ "I DON'T THINK YOUR FRIEND CAN BE MUCH +CLASS." + +_The Boy._ "WHY? WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH HIM?" + +_The Girl_ "WELL, WHEN I INTRODUCED HIM TO MY FRIEND, SHE, OF COURSE, +SAID, 'PLEASED TO MEET YOU,' AND HE SAID, 'GRANTED.'"] + + +UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS. + +V.--THE SIZZLES. + +I cannot help it, but this article has got to begin with a short +historical disquisition. Many people are puzzled to know why Lord HUGH +CECIL wears that worried look, and why Lord ROBERT also looks so +sad. Yet the explanation is simple enough. It is because nobody can +pronounce their surname. "Cessil," says the man in the street (and +being in a street is a thing that may happen to anybody) as he sees +the gaunt careworn figures going by. And when they hear it the +sensitive ear of the CECILS is wrung with torture at the sound. They +wince. They would like to buttonhole the man in the street and explain +to him, like the _Ancient Mariner_, all about David Cyssell, the +founder of their line. David Cyssell, it seems, though he didn't quite +catch the Norman Conquest and missed the Crusades, and was a little +bit late for the Wars of the Roses, was nicely in time to get a place +in the train of HENRY VIII., which was quite early enough for a young +man who firmly intended to be an ancestor. When he died his last words +were, "Rule England, my boys, but never never, never let the people +call you 'Cessil,'" and his sons obeyed him dutifully by becoming +Earls and Marquises and all that kind of thing, so that the trouble +did not arise. + +But, of course, if you don't happen to be the eldest son, the danger +is still there. And it is this danger which has led Lord HUGH CECIL +to withdraw himself more and more into the company of ecclesiastical +dignitaries, who are accustomed to pronounce quite hard words, like +_chrysoprasus_ and _Abednego_ without turning a hair, if they have +one, and Lord ROBERT CECIL to confine his attention to the League of +Nations, where all the people are foreigners and much too ignorant to +pronounce any English name at all. + +Personally I hold that, if it were not for this trouble about hearing +their name said all wrong by people on omnibuses and even shouted +all wrong by newspaper sellers, one of the CECILS might become Prime +Minister some day. As it is they wear a look of sorrowful martyrdom, +as if they were perfectly ready for the nearest stake; and this look, +combined with their peculiar surname, has caused them to be not +in-aptly known as _The Sizzles_. How very much better would it have +been, my dear reader, if their great ancestor had been simply called +"David," so that they could have had a sunny smile and not so many +convictions. + +It is customary in speaking of the Sizzles to include some mention of +their more famous relative, Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR. Very well, then. + +_Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR._ + +Born in 1873 the future Vice-President of the Sheffield Chamber of +Commerce, Master Cutler and Chairman of the High-Speed Alloys Company, +Limited, Widnes---- + +[_Editor._ What the deuce are you talking about? + +_Author._ I like that. It comes straight out of _What's Which?_ + +_Editor._ Well, you must have got the wrong page. + +_Author._ Why, you don't mean to say there are two ARTHUR BALFOURS, +do you? + +_Editor._ I do. + +_Author._ Aren't you thinking of the two WINSTON CHURCHILLS? + +_Editor._ No, I'm not. + +_Author._ Well, perhaps I'd better begin again. + +_Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR._ + +Born, as one might say, with a silver niblick in his mouth and +possessed of phenomenal intellectual attainments, Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR +(the one on the other page) was not long in settling down to his main +life-work, which has been the laying out of University golf curricula. + +[Is that better?--_Editor._ Much.] + +In spite of this preoccupation he has found time for a remarkable +number of hobbies, such as politics, music and the study of +refrigerating machines, though the effect of all these various +activities is sometimes a little confusing for those with whom he +works. When consulted on a burning topic of the hour he may, for +instance, be on the point of inventing a new type of ice-bucket, so +that the interviewer is forced to go out quickly and fetch his fur +overcoat before he can talk in comfort. Or he may be playing, like +_Sherlock Holmes_, on his violin, and say, "Just wait till I've +finished this sonata." And by the time it's finished the bother about +Persia or Free Trade is quite forgotten. Or, again, Mr. BALFOUR may be +closeted with Professor VARDON, Doctor RAY or Vice-Chancellor MITCHELL +at the very moment when the Nicaraguan envoy is clamouring at the +door. + +It is for this reason that Mr. ARTHUR BALFOUR has sometimes been +called Mr. Arthur Baffler. Puzzling, however, though he may be in many +of his political manifestations, his writings are like a beacon in the +gloom, and some day these simple chatty little booklets will surely +gain the wide public which they deserve. "The Foundation of Bunkers," +"A Defence of Philosophic Divots" and "Wood-wind and Brassies" should +be read by all who are interested in _belles lettres_. And his latest +volume of essays deals, I believe, with subjects so widely diverse and +yet so enthralling as "Booty and the Criticism of Booty," "Trotsky's +View of Russian World Policy," "Quizzical Research" and "The Freedom +of the Tees." + +The real pity is that with all his many and wonderful gifts Mr. ARTHUR +BALFOUR has never felt the fiery enthusiasm of his Hatfield cousins. +He remains, in fact, a salamander among the Sizzles. + +K. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Retired Dealer in Pork._ "HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT FOR +IT?" + +_Artist._ "FIFTY POUNDS." + +_Retired Dealer._ "RIGHT-O. NOW COULD YOU DO ONE OF ME IN A RECLINING +POSITION, TO MATCH?"] + + * * * * * + +TRIUMPHANT VULGARITY. + + [A writer in _The Athenaeum_, discussing modern songs, observes + that in the happy days of the eighteenth century "even the vulgar + could not achieve vulgarity; to-day vulgarity is in the air, and + only the strongest and most fastidious escape its taint." The + accompanying lines are submitted as a modest protest against this + sadly undemocratic and obscurantist doctrine.] + + In days of old, when writers bold + Betrayed the least disparity + Between their genius and an age + When frankness was a rarity, + An odious word was often heard + From critics void of charity, + Simplicity or clarity, + Or vision or hilarity, + Who used to slate or deprecate + The vices of vulgarity. + + But now disdain is wholly slain + By wide familiarity + Which links the unit with his age + In massive solidarity; + No more the word is used or heard, + No, no, we call it charity, + Simplicity or clarity, + Or vision or hilarity, + But never slate or deprecate + The virtues of vulgarity. + + * * * * * + +=An Object Lesson.= + + "Nothing is so suggestive of a faulty education than a lack of + grammar."--_Fiji Paper._ + + "The Vicar was born in Ireland, and lived there many years, and + the problems of the Irish are no difficulty to him." + + _New Zealand Paper._ + +That's the man we want over here. + + * * * * * + +=PRISCILLA PLAYS FAIRIES.= + +Unrehearsed dramatic dialogue comes quite easily to some people, and +so does a knowledge of the ways of the fairy world, but I am not one +of those people. Also I was supposed to have a headache that afternoon +and to be recovering from a severe cold. Also I was reading a very +exciting book. I cannot help thinking therefore that the fairy +Bluebell was taking a mean advantage of my numerous disabilities in +appearing at all. She rattled the handle of the door a long time, and +when I had opened it came in by a series of little skips on her toes, +accompanied by wagglings of the arms rather in the fashion of a +penguin. Every now and then she gave a slightly higher jump and +descended flatly and rather noisily on her feet. She wore a new frock, +with frills. + +_I._ What are you doing, Priscilla? + +_She._ I'm the Fairy Bluebell dancing. Don't you like my dancing? + +_I._ It's beautiful. + +_She_ (_rapidly_). And you were a very poor old man who had a lot of +nasty work to do and you were asleep. + +_I_ (_feeling it might have been much worse and composing myself to +slumber in my chair_). Honk! + +_She_ (_pinching my ear and pulling it very hard_). And you woke up +and said, "I do believe there's a dear little fairy dancing." + +_I_ (_emerging from repose_). Why, I do believe I heard a fairy +dancing, or (_vindictively_) can it have been another ton of coal +coming in? + +_She_ (_disregarding my malice_). And you said, "Alack, alack! I do +want somefing to eat." + +_I._ Alack, alack! I _am_ so hungry. + +_She_ (_fetching a large cushion from the sofa and putting it on the +top of me_). Lumpetty, lumpetty, lumpetty. + +_I._ What's that, Priscilla? + +_She._ Bitatoes pouring out of a sack. (_Fetches another cushion and +puts it on the top of the first._) Lumpetty, lumpetty, lumpetty. + +_I._ And this? + +_She_ (_opening her eyes very wide_). Red plums. (_Fetches another +cushion._) Limpetty, limpetty, limpetty. + +_I._ What's that? + +_She._ Lovely honey. + +_I_ (_affecting to simulate the natural gratification of a poor old +man suddenly smothered in vegetables, fruit and liquid preserve_). How +perfectly delicious! + +_She._ And you want to go to sleep again. [_I go._ + +_She_ (_pulling my ear again_). And you sawed a dragon coming up the +drive, and the sofa was the dragon. + +_I._ Alack, alack! I see a dragon coming up the drive. What shall I +do? I must telephone to the police. + +_She_ (_quickly_). Did the police have a tuncheon? + +_I._ Yes, he did. + +_She._ Shall I be the police? + +_I_ (_cautiously, because a "tuncheon" necessitates making a long +paper roll out of "The Times"_). I am afraid the telephone had broken +down, so the police didn't hear. How I wish the Fairy Bluebell was +about! + +_She._ And so the Fairy Bluebell came and cut off the dragon's head +and gave it to you. + + [_Fetches a fourth large cushion and adds it to the pile._ + +_I._ But why should I have the dragon's head? + +_She_ (_enigmatically_). You had to have it. + + [_The poor old man resigns himself to his increasingly glutinous + fate._ + +_She_ (_fetching a waste-paper basket and returning to the sofa_). +Limpetty, limpetty, limpetty. + +_I_ (_faint but inquisitive_). Whatever are you doing now, Priscilla? + +_She._ Poisoning the dragon's body. + +_I._ Poisoning it? + +_She._ Yes, wiv a can. + +_I._ How? + +_She._ Down its neck. + +_I_ (_feeling that the immediate peril from the dragon's assault is +now practically over and wishing to return the fairy's kindness_). +Shall we pretend that the sofa is where the Fairy Bluebell lived, and +I built her a little home with flowers, and these cushions were the +flowers, and (_rather basely_) she went to sleep in it? + +_She_ (_with sparkling eyes_). Yes, yes. + + [_I remove the potatoes, the plums, the honey and the head of the + dragon and manufacture a grotto in which the Fairy Bluebell reclines + with closed eyes. It appears to be a suitable moment for returning to + my book._ + +_She._ And suddenly the Fairy Bluebell woke up, and what do you think +she wanted? + +_I_ (_disillusioned_). I can't think. + +_She._ She wanted to be readen to. + +_I_ (_resignedly_). And what did I do? + +_She._ You said, "I'll read about Tom and the otter." + +_I_ (_hopefully_). I don't know where it is. + +_She._ I think it's in the dining-room, and the Fairy Bluebell +couldn't get it herself because she was only a _little_ girl really. + +As I say, there are a lot of people, and many of them, doubtless, +readers of this paper, who understand all about fairies. I want to ask +them, as one poor old hard-worked man to another, whether this is +the proper way for a fairy to behave. There seems to be a lack of +delicacy--and shall I say shyness?--about it. + +EVOE. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Mrs. McNicol._ "FOUND A POUN' NOTE IN THE STREET, +DONAL'? THAT'S GUID!" + +_Her Husband (sadly.)_ "AY, BUT MCTAVISH SAW ME PICK IT UP, AN' I OWE +HIM TWENTY-TWO AN' SAXPENCE."] + + * * * * * + +=Our Tactful Orators.= + + "At the close they asked President ----, who was in the chair, to + present a very handsome umbrella to Mr. ----. + + In a few well-chosen words the Chairman said he trusted that + Mr. ----, while journeying through life, would be successful in + warding off many a shower with his umbrella, but they all hoped + they would be showers of goodwill."--_Trade Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "This is great fun and mystifies your friends. Buy a few and you + will be the cleverest fellow in your district. + + Our leaders are 'Stink Bomb' (make bad smell when broken). Re. 1 a + box. + + 'Sneeze Powder' (makes everybody sneeze when blown in the air) Re. + 1 a bottle." + +_Advt. in Indian Paper._ + +Who says the East has no sense of humour? + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THROUGH THE GOAL-POSTS; OR, THE END OF A PERFECT +SCRUM.] + + * * * * * + +=THE WHITE SPAT.= + +When it is remembered how large a part has been played in history by +revolutionary and political songs it is both lamentable and strange +that at the present time only one of the numerous political faiths has +a hymn of its own--"The Red Flag." The author of the words owes a good +deal, I should say, to the author of "Rule Britannia," though I am +inclined to think he has gone one better. The tune is that gentle old +tune which we used to know as "Maryland," and by itself it rather +suggests a number of tired sheep waiting to go through a gate than a +lot of people thinking very redly. I fancy the author realised this, +and he has got over it by putting in some good powerful words like +"scarlet," "traitors," "flinch" and "dungeon," whenever the tune is +particularly sheepish. The effect is effective. Just imagine if the +Middle Classes Union could march down the middle of the Strand singing +that fine chorus:-- + + "Then raise the scarlet standard high, + Beneath its shade we'll live and die; + Though cowards flinch and traitors sneer + We'll keep the Red Flag flying here." + +Well, I have set myself to supply some of the other parties with +songs, and I have begun with "The White Spat," which is to be the +party-hymn of the High Tories (if any). I have written it to the same +tune as "The Red Flag," because, when the lion finally does lie down +with the lamb, it will be much more convenient if they can bleat and +roar in the same metre, and I shall hope to hear Mr. ROBERT WILLIAMS +and Lord ROBERT CECIL singing these two songs at once one day. I am +not wholly satisfied with "The White Spat," but I think I have caught +the true spirit, or, at any rate, the proper inconsequence of these +things:-- + +THE WHITE SPAT + +Air--_Maryland._ + + The spats we wear are pure as snow-- + We are so careful where we go; + We don't go near the vulgar bus + Because it always splashes us. + + _Chorus._ + We take the road with trustful hearts, + Avoiding all the messy parts; + However dirty you may get + We'll keep the White Spat spotless yet. + + At night there shines a special star + To show us where the puddles are; + The crossing-sweeper sweeps the floor-- + That's what the crossing-sweeper's for. + + _Chorus._ + Then take the road, etc., etc. + +I know it doesn't look much, just written down on paper; but you try +singing it and you'll find you're carried away. + +Of course there ought to be an international verse, but I'm afraid I +can't compete with the one in my model:-- + + "Look round: the Frenchman loves its blaze, + The sturdy German chants its praise; + In Moscow's vaults its hymns are sung; + Chicago swells the surging throng." + +This is the best I can do:-- + + From Russia's snows to Afric's sun + The race of spatriots is one; + One faith unites their alien blood-- + "There's nothing to be said for mud." + +Now we have the song of the Wee Frees. I wanted this to be rather +pathetic, but I'm not sure that I haven't overdone it. The symbolism, +though, is well-nigh perfect, and, after all, the symbolism is the +chief thing. This goes to the tune of "Annie Laurie":-- + +THE OLD BLACK BROLLY. + +Air--_Annie Laurie._ + + Under the Old Umbrella, + Beneath the leaking gamp, + Wrapped up in woolly phrases + We battle with the damp. + Come, gather round the gamp! + Observe, it is pre-war; + And beneath the old Black Brolly + There's room for several more. + + Shameless calumniators + Calumniate like mad; + Detractors keep detracting; + It really is too bad; + It really is too bad. + To show we're not quite dead, + We wave the old Black Brolly + And hit them on the head. + +Then we have the National Party. I am rather vague about the National +Party, but I know they are frightfully military, and they keep on +having Mass Rallies in Kensington--complete with drums, I expect. +Where all the masses come from I don't quite know, as a prolonged +search has failed to reveal anyone who knows anyone who is actually +a member of the party. Everybody tells me, though, that there is at +least one Brigadier-General (Tempy.) mixed up with it, if not two, and +at least one Lord, though possibly one of the Brigadiers is the same +as the Lord; but after all they represent the Nation, so they ought to +have a song. They have nothing but "Rule Britannia" now, I suppose. + +Their song goes to the tune of "The British Grenadiers." I have +written it as a duet, but no doubt other parts could be added if the +occasion should ever arise. + +THE NATIONAL. + +Air--_The British Grenadiers._ + + Some talk of Coalitions, + Of Tories and all that; + They are but cheap editions + Of the one and only Nat.; + Our Party has no equals, + Though of course it has its peers, + With a tow, row, row, row, row, row, + For the British Brigadiers. + +You have no idea how difficult it is to write down the right number of +_rows_ first time; however I daresay the General wouldn't mind a few +extra ones. + + We represent the Nation + As no one else can do; + Without exaggeration + Our membership is two. + We rally in our masses + And give three hearty cheers, + With a tow, row, row, row, row, row + For the National Brigadiers. + +There could be a great deal more of that, but perhaps you have had +enough. + +Of course, if you don't think the poetry of my songs is good enough, I +shall just have to quote some of "The International" words to show you +that it's the _tune_ that matters. + +Here you are:-- + + "Arise! ye starvelings from your slumbers, + Arise! ye criminals of want, + For reason in revolt now thunders, + And at last ends the age of cant." + +If people can get excited singing that, my songs would send them +crazy. + +Then there is the Coalition. I have had a good deal of difficulty +about this, but I think that at last I have hit the right note; all my +first efforts were too dignified. This goes to a darkie tune:-- + +THE PIEBALD MARE. + +Air--_Camptown Ladies._ + + Down-town darkies all declare, + Doo-dah, doo-dah, + There never was a hoss like the piebald mare, + Doo-dah, doo-dah day! + One half dark and the other half pale, + Doo-dah, doo-dah, + Two fat heads and a great big tail, + Doo-dah, doo-dah day! + + _Chorus._ + Gwine to run all night, + Gwine to run all day! + I put my money on the piebald mare + Because she run both way. + + Little old DAVE he ride dat hoss, + Doo-dah, doo-dah, + Where'll she be if he takes a toss? + Doo-dah, doo-dah day! + De people try to push him off, + Doo-dah, doo-dah, + De more dey push de more he scoff, + Doo-dah, doo-dah day! + + _Chorus._ + Gwine to run, &c. + + Over the largest fence they bound, + Doo-dah, doo-dah, + Things exploding all around, + Doo-dah, doo-dah day! + One fine day dat hoss will burst, + Doo-dah, doo-dah, + But little old DAVE he'll _walk_ in first, + Doo-dah, doo-dah day! + + _Chorus._ + Gwine to run, &c. + +Once again, merely written down, the words do _not_ thrill, but I hope +none of the parties will definitely reject these hymns till they have +heard them actually sung; if necessary I will give a trial rendering +myself. + +The other day, when we were playing charades and had to act L, we did +_Lloyd George and the Coalition_; and the people who were acting the +Coalition sang the above song with really wonderful effect. It is true +that the other side thought we were acting _Legion and the Gadarene +Swine_, but that must have been because of something faulty in our +make-up. The sound of this great anthem was sufficiently impressive to +make one long to hear the real Coalition shouting it all along Downing +Street. It is a solo with chorus, you understand, and the Coalition +come in with a great roar of excitement and fervour on _Doo-dah! +Doo-dah!_ + +Yes, I like that. + +A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Profiteer Host._ "WOT D'YER THINK OF MY OAKS?" +_Profiteer Guest._ "BIT OF ALL RIGHT. WHERE D'YER GET 'EM?"] + + * * * * * + + "MORE THAN MILLION SALE. + Waste! Waste! Waste!" + + _Newspaper Poster._ + +In mercy we suppress the title of our contemporary. + + * * * * * + + "The man in custody has been identified as the result of the + efforts of the Birkenhead detective stag."--_Liverpool Paper._ + +A variation on the old-fashioned sleuth-hound. + + * * * * * + +From the report of a speech by Admiral Sir PERCY SCOTT:-- + + "He might say that when the Germans were demolarised at the Battle + of Jutland ..." + + _Scottish Paper._ + +This confirms our impression that, whatever happened at Jutland, we +certainly drew the German Navy's teeth. + + * * * * * + +QUESTIONS. + +How did mankind get to all corners of the earth? and what is the cause +of exploding suns? These are among the questions put by Professor A. +W. BICKERTON, of the London Astronomical Society, and they would +be solved, it seems, if our learned men would only band themselves +together. I have no wish to hamper the good work, but a moment's +reflection suggests a number of other questions simply asking to be +answered. + +For instance, what happens when an irresistible force meets Sir ERIC +GEDDES? + +And why is it that while we hear of thousands of people losing their +umbrellas we have never yet heard of a single case where a man openly +admitted that he had found one? + +And is there any reason why the modern novel should not end happily, +instead of the hero and heroine always marrying at the last moment. + +And how does it happen that Thanet is the best holiday-place in this +country and enjoys more sunshine than any other resort? + +And could not _The Daily Mail_ extend the same sunshine privilege to +other parts? + +And what makes a music-hall audience laugh when a comedian changes his +hat and mutters the mystic word, "Winston"? + +And who is the gentleman referred to? + +And why is it that nine-tenths of the coon-singers on the halls +are always wanting to get back to their dear old homes? And who is +stopping them in their noble desire? And is there any explanation why +all these singers seem to have their homes in distant Alabam, where +the roses keep on climbing round the door, just close to where the +cotton and the corn are growing all the year round, only later in life +to leave the dear old place to take up music-hall work here, and then +spend the remainder of their lives telling us of their passionate +determination to get away back to the old folks? + +And would I be right in my surmise that very few homes in Wigan have +roses round the door or stand in fields of growing cotton and corn or +reek of new-mown hay? + +And why is it that, when you tell a man there are so many million +stars in the skies, he will believe you, but the moment he sees a +notice on a gate bearing the words "Wet Paint" he puts his finger upon +it just to find out for himself? + +And why did Mrs. ASQUITH----But perhaps that will be enough for the +Professor to be going on with. + + * * * * * + + +=Commercial Candour.= + + "My Studio is the most up-to-date and my methods of photography + just a little bit different."--_Canadian Paper._ + + * * * * * +[Illustration: _Hostess._ "WHAT--GOING ALREADY? WHY, IT'S ONLY THREE +O'CLOCK." + +_Guest._ "I KNOW. BUT I'M DEAD TIRED, AND I'VE GOT TO BE UP EARLY FOR +A '_DEJEUNER DANSANT_.'"] + + + * * * * * + + +A NOTE ON THE DRAMA. + +["_Hamlet_ was not a business man."--Mr. A. B. WALKLEY.] + + Had he but learned the useful knowledge + And that essential grasp of things + Which training at a business college + (If diligently followed) brings, + We should have had, no doubt, + A _Hamlet_ with the "moody" Dane left out. + + He'd not have stalked in gloomy fashion + Nor wanted to soliloquise, + But rather, undisturbed by passion, + He would have sat Napoleon-wise, + Chewing an unlit weed + And talking down the telephone (full speed). + + Planning a "book" to suit his players, + He would have sought a theme less grim, + For tragedies are doubtful payers; + Revue would be the stuff for him, + Scanty in dress and plot, + With dancers featuring the Hammy Trot. + + He missed one glorious proposition-- + The money would have come in stacks + If he had shown the Apparition + For half-a-crown (including tax), + And, though 'twas after eight, + Added a side-line trade in chocolate. + + At other stunts we find him lacking; + Thus, when he met _Laertes_, he + Did not secure a proper backing + Nor nominate the referee; + And, what was even worse, + Did no finessing for a bigger purse. + + Had _Hamlet_ made it his endeavour + To seize each chance of lawful gain, + Certain it is that there would never + Have been a doubt that he was sane; + And then perhaps Act Five + Had left some people--one or two--alive. + + * * * * * + +=Christmas and the Children.= + +With the approach of a Festival that is dedicated to the joy of +children, Mr. Punch makes bold to plead the cause of the less +fortunate among them. The Queen's Hospital for Children, once known as +the North-Eastern Hospital for Children, is the only one of its kind +in this part of London and serves a poor district with a population +of half-a-million. Its claim upon the generosity of more favoured +Londoners is as strong as its lack of funds at the present moment is +serious. It has one hundred-and-seventy beds, and during the last +year has cared for eighteen hundred in-patients and sixty thousand +out-patients. Mr. Punch is certain that, if the children of the +West-end understood the suffering and needs of these other children of +Bethnal Green, they would want to help them by forgoing some of +their Christmas toys. Gifts should be addressed to the Secretary, +T. GLENTON-KERR, Esq., Queen's Hospital for Children, Hackney Road, +Bethnal Green, E.2. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: THE ROAD TO ECONOMY. + +THE SHEPHERD. "I WONDER IF ANY OF YOU SHEEP COULD SHOW ME THE WAY." + +("Let the Nation set the example [in economy] to the +Government."--_Mr. LLOYD GEORGE._)] + + * * * * * + +=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.= + +_Monday, November 29th._--Some time ago Lord NEWTON was appointed +Chairman of a Committee on Smoke Abatement. It took enough evidence to +fill a Blue-book a couple of inches thick, and, at the request of the +Government, furnished an interim report. Supposing, not unnaturally, +that its valuable recommendations would be adopted in the Government's +housing schemes the Committee was disgusted to find that, save for an +emasculated summary in "a dismal journal called _Housing_," no notice +was taken of its report. Lord NEWTON is not a man who can safely be +invited to consume his own smoke, and he made indignant protest this +afternoon. A soft answer from Lord SANDHURST, who assured him that the +Government, far from being unmindful of the Committee's labours, +had already equipped some thousands of houses with central heating, +temporarily diverted his wrath. + +Thanks to the Sinn Feiners, the Public Galleries of the House of +Commons were closed. Thus deprived of all audience save themselves and +the reporters the most loquacious Members were depressed. _Bombinantes +in gurgite vasto_, their arguments sounded hollow even to themselves. +With an obvious effort they tried to carry on what the SPEAKER +described--and deprecated--as "the usual Monday fiscal debate." This +time it turned upon the large imports from Russia in 1913. One side +seemed to think that similar imports would be forthcoming to-day but +for the obstructiveness of the British Government, while the other +was confident that Russia had nothing to export save propaganda. The +controversy was beginning to pall when by a happy inspiration Mr. +RONALD MCNEILL, with mock solemnity, inquired if the last egg in +Russia had not been eaten by a relation of the SECRETARY OF STATE FOR +WAR. + +[Illustration: "His conscience now quite clear." + +SIR J. T. AGG-GARDNER.] + +A long-standing Parliamentary tradition enjoins that the reply to any +Question addressed to the CHAIRMAN OF THE KITCHEN COMMITTEE should be +greeted with laughter. By virtue of his office he holds, as it were, +the "pass-the-mustard" prerogative. Members laughed accordingly when +he replied to a question relating to the number of ex-Service men +employed by his Committee; but they laughed much more loudly when the +hon. Member who put the original Question proceeded to inquire "if his +conscience is now quite clear," and Sir J. T. AGG-GARDNER, looking as +respectable as if he were _Mrs. Grundy's_ second husband, declared, +hand on heart, that it was. + +[Illustration: THE DEFENDER OF KUT--WITH ESCORT. + +SIR CHARLES TOWNSHEND.] + +The House gave a rather less stentorian welcome than might have been +expected to Sir CHARLES TOWNSHEND, who was escorted up to the Table +by Mr. BOTTOMLEY and Colonel CROFT. Perhaps it was afraid that cheers +intended for the defender of Kut might be appropriated by the Editor +of _John Bull_. + +Encouraged, I suppose, by the emptiness of the Ladies' Gallery, it +then proceeded with great freedom to discuss a proposal for the +employment of women and young persons "in shifts." + +[Illustration: THE FAT BOY OF DULWICH. + +SIR FREDERICK HALL.] + +_Tuesday, November 30th._--The EX-CROWN PRINCE OF PRUSSIA will be +tremendously bucked when he reads the report of to-day's proceedings, +and discovers that there is one person in the world who takes him +seriously. Sir FREDERICK HALL has been much disturbed by the reports +of Hohenzollern intrigues for a restoration, and begged the Government +to send a protest to the Dutch Government. But the Fat Boy of Dulwich +quite failed to make Mr. BONAR LAW'S flesh creep. + +Mr. BALDWIN is the least perturbable of Ministers. Even when Major +EDWARDS invited him to elucidate the phrase "a working knowledge of +the Welsh language"--"Does it mean having an intimate acquaintance +with the literary works of DAFYDD AP GWILYM or the forgeries of 'Iolo +Morganwg'?"--he never turned a hair. + +Modesty not having hitherto been regarded as one of Mr. CHURCHILL'S +most salient characteristics I feel it my duty to record that, on +being asked when he would introduce the Supplementary Army Estimates, +he replied, "I am entirely in the hands of my superiors." + +_Wednesday, December 1st._--That Hebrew should be one of the official +languages of Palestine seems, on the face of it, not unreasonable. +But, according to Lord TREOWEN, to compel the average Palestinian Jew, +who speaks either Spanish or Yiddish, to use classical Hebrew, will +be like obliging a user of pidgin English to adopt the language +of ADDISON. He failed, however, to make any impression upon Lord +CRAWFORD, who expressed the hope that the Government's action would +help to purify the language. Sir HERBERT SAMUEL is determined, I +gather, to make Palestine a country fit for rabbis to live in. + +The Government of Ireland Bill had a very rough time in Committee. The +LORD CHANCELLOR managed to ward off Lord MIDLETON's proposal to have +one Parliament instead of two--"a blow at the heart of the Bill"--but +was less successful when Lord ORANMORE AND BROWNE moved that the +Southern Parliament should be furnished with a Senate. The Peers' +natural sentiment in favour of Second Chambers triumphed, and the +Government were defeated by a big majority. + +The Office of Works has been lending a hand to local authorities in +difficulties with their housing schemes. But when Sir ALFRED MOND +brought up a Supplementary Estimate in respect of these transactions +he met with a storm of indignation that surprised him. "The road to +bankruptcy," "Nationalisation in the building trade," "Socialistic +proposals"--these were some of the phrases that assailed his ears. +Fortified, however, by the support of the Labour Party--Mr. MYERS +declared that his action had been "the one bright spot in the whole of +the housing policy"--Sir ALFRED challenged his critics to go and tell +their constituents that they had voted to prevent houses being built, +and got his Estimate through by 190 to 64. + +_Thursday, December 2nd._--Thanks to the free-and-easy procedure of +the House of Lords the Government began the day with a victory. Lord +SHANDON had moved an amendment, to which the LORD CHANCELLOR objected. +But he did not challenge a division when the question was put. Lord +DONOUGHMORE, most expeditious of Chairmen, announced "the Contents +have it," and the matter seemed over. But then the LORD CHANCELLOR +woke up, and said he had meant to ask for a division. "All right," +said the CHAIRMAN; "clear the Bar," and when the white-wanded tellers +had counted their flocks it appeared that the Government had a +majority of three. + +I do not suppose anyone will say of Lord BIRKENHEAD, as a celebrated +judge is reported to have said of one of his predecessors, "'Ere comes +that 'oly 'umbug 'umming 'is 'orrid 'ymns;" but he is evidently a +student of hymnology, for he referred to the Government victory as +this "scanty triumph" and for a long time did not challenge any more +divisions. + +In the House of Commons an attack upon the new liquor +regulations--"pieces of gross impertinence" according to Mr. +MACQUISTEN--found no favour with the PRIME MINISTER. Mr. MCCURDY +announced that he had reduced the price of wheat to the millers and +hoped that "in a few weeks" the consumer might begin to receive +the benefit. The CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER excused the delay in +publishing the Economy Committee's reports on the ground that the +MINISTER OF MUNITIONS was "at sea," and elicited the inevitable gibe +that he was not the only one. Sir ERIC GEDDES, with a judicious +compliment to the motorists for setting "an extraordinary example of +voluntary taxation," got a Second Reading for his Roads Bill; and Sir +GORDON HEWART with some difficulty induced the House to accept +his assurance that the Official Secrets Bill was meant for the +discomfiture of spies and not the harassing of honest journalists. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Golfer._ "HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A WORSE PLAYER?" [No +answer.] "I SAID, 'HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A WORSE PLAYER?'" _Aged Caddie._ +"I HEERD YE VERRA WEEL THE FURRST TIME. I WAS JEST THENKIN' ABOOT +IT."] + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Margaret_ (_not satisfied with the parental +explanation of the recent disappearance of a pet rabbit_). "MUMMY, +IS--IS _THIS_ GLADYS?"] + + * * * * * + +TO A CLERICAL GOLFING FRIEND. + + Fine is your temper as your hand-forged iron! + Even should you hack the ball from out the spherical, + Or find it near the pin with lumps of mire on, + Your language is not otherwise than clerical. + Once only, when your toe received the niblick, + The word I saw your lips frame was not biblic. + + Upon the links as perfect in address + As in the pulpit, just as you are seen + In life to play according to the Book, + So too, mid all the hazards of the green, + You teach us by example not to press + And how to shun the faults of slice and hook. + + Treating the ball as if it had a soul, + Imparting safe direction, you determine + How best it may keep up its given _role_; + Indeed your daily round's a model sermon. + + So, till life's course is traversed, I'll await + Your well-timed counsel. If I have you by me + I'll laugh at all the baffling strokes of Fate + And lay the bogie of Despair a stymie. + + + * * * * * + +TWO HUNDRED YEARS AGONE. + +DEAR MR. PUNCH,--You are fond, in "Charivaria," of poking some of +your gentle fun at the leisurely bricklayer, and indeed at all the +"ca-canny" brigade; but the bricklayer has come in for the thickest of +your fire. I hope, however, that you don't think you have discovered +his and his fellow-workers' deliberate processes yourself. If so, +permit me to draw your attention to NED WARD'S _London Spy_, which was +published as long ago as 1699. In that work is the description of a +visit to St. Paul's Cathedral when it was building. A passage in this +description runs thus: + + "We went a little further, where we observed ten men in a corner + very busie about two men's work, taking so much care that everyone + should have his due proportion of the labours as so many thieves + in making an exact division of their booty. The wonderful piece + of difficulty the whole number had to perform was to drag along a + stone of about three hundredweight in a carriage, in order to be + hoisted upon the moldings of the cupola, but they were so fearful + of despatching this facile undertaking with too much expedition + that they were longer in hauling about half the length of the + church than a couple of lusty porters, I am certain, would have + been carrying it to Paddington without resting of their burthen." + +Shall I refrain from remarking that there is nothing new under the +sun? I will. + +Yours, etc., L. V. E. + + * * * * * + +NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN. + +THE BARNACLE. + +(_A Sort of Sea Shanty._) + + Old Bill Barnacle sticks to his ship, + He never is ill on the stormiest trip; + Upside down he crosses the ocean-- + If you do that you _enjoy_ the motion. + + Barnacle's family grows and grows; + Little relations arrive in rows; + And the quicker the barnacles grow, you know, + The slower the ship doth go--yo ho! + + Thousands of barnacles, small and great, + Stick to the jolly old ship of State; + So we mustn't be cross if she seems to crawl-- + It's rather a marvel she goes at all. + + A. P. H. + + * * * * * + + "Priests preach the want of brotherhood in the Anglican Church, + but many, I am sorry to say, do not practise what they preach." + + _Letter to Daily Paper._ + +Is not this carrying the reactionary spirit a little too far? + + * * * * * + +AT THE PLAY. + +"THE DRAGON." + +Some day, no doubt, plays like _Mr. Wu_ and _The Dragon_ (by R. E. +JEFFREY) will be forbidden by the League of Nations. Meanwhile let us +allow ourselves to be diverted by the motiveless villainies of crooked +cruel "Chinks" like _Wang Fu Chang_, who sold opium at a terrific +profit in Mayfair, hung his servants up by their thumbs and belonged +to a Society of Elder Brethren, as to whose activities we were given +no clue, unless indeed their job was the kidnapping of Younger Sisters +for Wicked Mandarins. + +For _Jack Stacey_, who opened the Prologue in Loolong with head in +hands and moaned invocations of the Deity (a version doubtless of +the well-known gambit, "'Hell!' said the Duchess"), had his little +daughter kidnapped at birth or thereabouts (by _Wang Fu_, as it +happened), and never saw her again till, after eighteen years of +opium-doping--between the Prologue and the First Act--he called upon +the same _Wang Fu_ (just before dinner) with a peremptory message from +a very bad and powerful mandarin that if little Miss _Che Fu_ were not +packed off to China by eleven that same evening the Elder Brethren +would be one short by midnight. _Che Fu_, I ought to say, passed as +_Wang's_ daughter, but was so English, you know, to look at that +nobody could really believe it. + +Of course _Jack_ didn't recognise her as his own daughter, but equally +of course we did, and knew that she would be rescued by her impetuous +boy-lover and restored to her real father; but not before great +business with opium pipes, pivoting statues of goddesses, inoperative +revolvers, gongs, strangulations (with gurgles), detectives, rows of +Chinese servants each more rascally (and less Chinese, if possible) +than the last, and over all the polished villainy of the inscrutable +_Wang Fu Chang_. + +Mr. JEFFREY'S technique was quite adequate for this ingenuous kind of +thing. He achieved what I take to be the supreme compliment of noisy +hushings sibilated from the pit and gallery when the later curtains +rose. Perhaps action halted a little to allow of rather too much +display of pidgin-English and (I suppose) authentic elementary Chinese +and comic reliefs which filled the spaces between the salient episodes +of the slender and naive plot. I couldn't help wondering how _Jack +Stacey_, whom we left at 10.45 in a horrible stupor, shut away in a +gilded alcove of _Wang Fu's_ opium den, could appear at 11.30 at _Lady +Handley's_ in immaculate evening dress and with entirely unruffled +hair, having in the meantime cut down and restored to consciousness +two tortured Chinese and heard the true story of his daughter's +adventures. This seems to be overdoing the unities. And I wondered +whether the puzzled look on young _Handley's_ face was due to this +same wonder or to the reflection that if he had shed one undesirable +father-in-law he had let himself in for another. For, needless to say, +they had all met in the famous opium scene when _Stacey_ was naturally +not at his best. + +Mr. D. LEWIN MANNERING was suitably sinister as _Wang Fu_; Mr. TARVER +PENNA'S _Ah Fong_, the heroine's champion, made some very pleasant +faces and gestures and was less incurably Western than some of his +colleagues; Mr. CRONIN WILSON'S _Jack Stacey_ seemed a meritorious +performance. The part of _Che Fu_ made no particular demand on Miss +CHRISTINE SILVER'S talent, and Miss EVADNE PRICE faithfully earned +the laughter she was expected to make as _Sua Se_, the opium-den +attendant. Leave your critical faculty at home and you will be able to +derive considerable entertainment from this unambitious show. + +T. + + [Illustration: THE MODEL FLAPPER (CHINESE STYLE). + _Wang Fu Chang_ MR. D.L. MANNERING. + _Che Fu_ MISS CHRISTINE SILVER.] + + * * * * * + +Fashions in Hand-wear. + + "Amusing contrast is seen in the Riviera and winter sports outfits + now on view, with filmy lace, shimmering silks, and glowing + velvets on the one hand and thick wool and the stoutest of boots + on the other." + + _Weekly Paper._ + + * * * * * + +From a _feuilleton_:-- + + "... She was startled by a low sibilant whisper, 'I've caught you, + my girl!'" + + _Daily Paper._ + +Try and hiss this for yourself. + + * * * * * + +THE BARREL OF BEEF. + +We were dawdling home from the westward on the flood. Astern of us, +knee-deep in foam, stood the slim column of the Bishop lighthouse, a +dark pencil mark on the cloudless sky. To the south the full Atlantic +piled the black reefs with hills of snow. Ahead the main islands +humped out of the blue sea like a school of basking whales. I had the +tiller and Uncle Billy John Polsue was forward picking up the marks +and carrying on a running commentary, punctuated by expectorations +of dark fluid. Suddenly something away on the port bow attracted his +attention. He rolled to his feet, stared for some seconds and shouted, +"Hold 'er on the corner o' Great Minalte!" a tremor of excitement in +his voice. + +I did as I was bid and sheeted home. + +Billy John fished the conger gaff from under the blue and silver heap +of mackerel in the well and climbed laboriously on to the little +half-deck. So we were after some sort of flotsam, I could not see +what, because Billy John's expansive back-view obscured the prospect +ahead, but from his tense attitude I judged that it appeared +interesting. He signed to me to come up another couple of points, took +a firm grasp of the gaff and leaned over the bows. Then with a creak +of straining tackle and a hiss of riven water a gig was on us. She +swooped out of the blue, swept by not two fathoms to windward and with +a boat-hook snapped up the treasure trove (it looked suspiciously like +a small keg) right under our very noses as adroitly as a lurcher snaps +a hare. She ran on a cable's length, spun on her heel and slipped away +down the sound, a long lean craft, leaping like a live thing under her +press of canvas. She seemed full of redheaded men of all ages and was +steered by a brindled patriarch who wagged his vermilion beard at us +and cackled loudly. I roared with laughter; I had seldom seen anything +so consummately slick in my life. + +Billy John roared too, but from other influences. He bellowed, he +spat, he danced with rage. He cursed the gig's company collectively +and singly, said they were nothing better than common pirates and that +they lured ships to destruction and devoured the crews--raw. + +The gig's company were delighted; they jeered and waved their caps. +Billy John trembled with passion. + +"Who stole the bar'l o' beef?" he trumpeted through his palms. +"Who--stole--the--bar'l--o'--beef? Hoo hoo!" + +This last sally had a subduing effect on the gig's company; they +turned their faces away and became absorbed in the view ahead. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: CHILDREN'S PRESENTS. CHRISTMAS, 1920. + +_Mother._ "ISN'T IT A PERFECT GEM, DARLING?" + +_Son._ "WOULDN'T BE SEEN DEAD WITH IT. I ASK YOU, WHERE'S THE H.P. +CYLINDER THAT DRIVES THE CRANK-PINS ON THE TRAILING WHEELS?"] + + * * * * * + +Billy John sat down with a grunt of satisfaction. "That settled 'em," +he grinned. "They dunno who did steal the bar'l to this day, and each +wan do suspect t'other." + +"St. Martin's islanders?" I queried. + +Billy John shook his head. "Naw, from St. Helen's, o' course; deddn' +you see their red 'eads? They 're all red-'eaded over on Helen's--take +after their great-grandfather the Devil." + +"They're pretty smart, anyhow," said I. + +Billy John threw up both hands. "Smart! By dang you've said it! +Anythin' in the way o' honest work they do leave to us poor mainland +grabbers; they don't unnerstand it; but come a bit o' easy money in +the way of wreckage and we might as well stop bed as try to compete +with they; we eddn but children to 'em." + +"What about this barrel of beef?" I asked. + +Billy John chuckled. "Comed to pass years ago, Sir. There was a party +of us over 'ere crabbin'. My brother Zackariah 'ad married a Helen's +wumman, and a brear great piece she were too. They was livin' on +Helen's upon Lower Town beach, and we lodged with 'em. + +"Wan mornin' before dawn along comes great Susan in her stockined +feet. 'Whist!' says she, 'rouse thee out an' don't make no noise; I +think I heerd a gun from Carnebiggal Ledges.' + +"We sneaked out like shadows, got the boat afloat and pulled away, +mufflin' the oars with our caps. We got a fair start; nobody heerd us +go. It weren't yet light and the fog were like a bag, but we got there +somehow, and sure enough there were a big steamer fast on the rocks. +Great Susan were right. Oh, I tell you t'eddn guesswork with they St. +Helen's folk; male or female they got a nose for a wreck, same as cats +for mice. There was a couple o' ship's boats standing by on her port +side full o' men. + +"'Where in 'ell are we?' shouts 'er skipper as we comed nosing through +the fog. 'I ain't seen the sun for two days.' + +"We told en and lay by chattin' and wonderin' 'ow we was to plunder +she, with them in the road. Time went by and there we was still +chattin' about the weather an' suchlike damfoolery. Every minute I was +expectin' to see the Helen's gigs swarmin' out, and then it wouldn't +be pickin's we'd get but leavin's. + +"''Ere,' whispers I to Zakky, 'scare 'im off for God's sake.' + +"'I'll 'ave a try,' says 'e. 'Say, Mr. Captain, the tide's makin'. She +do come through 'ere like a river and you'll be swamped for certain. +Pull for the shore, sailor.' + +"'Will you pilot me in?' says the captain. + +"'Naw,' says Zakky. 'I got to be after my crab-pots; but I'll send my +nephew wid 'e.' + +"'Keep 'em lost out in the Sound for a couple of hours, son,' he +whispers to the boy, and the lad takes 'em off into the fog. 'Now for +the plunder, my dears,' says Zakky; and we makes for the ship. + +"But Lor' bless you, Sir, she were already plundered. While we was +chattin' away on her port side four Helen's gigs' crews had boarded +her quietly from starboard and was eatin' through her like a pest +o' ants. They'd come staggering on deck--fathers, sons and +grandfathers--with bundles twice as big nor themselves, toss 'em into +the gigs and go back for more. As for us, we stood like men mazed. I +tell you, Sir, a God-fearing man can't make a livin' 'mong that lot; +they'll turn a vessel inside out while he's thinkin' how to begin. + +"By-'m-by they comed on the prize o' the lot--a bar'l o' beef. My +word, what an outcry! 'I seed 'en first!' 'Naw, you deddn': hands +off!' 'Leggo; 's mine!' Quarrellin' 'mong themselves now, mark you, +beef bein' as scarce as diamonds in them hard times. Old Hosea--the +old toad that you seed steerin' that gig just now--he puts a stop to +et. + +"'Avast ragin', thou fools,' says 'e; "coastguards will be along in a +minute and then there'll be nothin' for nobody. Set en in my boat an' +I'll divide it up equal on the beach.' + +"They done as they were told, and away goes old Hosea for the shore, +followed by the other gigs loaded that deep they could hardly swim. +Seein' they hadn't left us nothin' but the bare bones we pulled in +ourselves shortly after, and my dear life what a sight we did behold! +Fellows runnin' about in the fog on the beach, for all the world like +shadows on a blind, cursin', shoutin', fightin', tumblin' over each +other, huntin' high and low, and in the middle of 'em all old Hosea +crying out for his bar'l o' beef like a wumman after her first-born. +Somebody'd stole it! Mercy me! we mainlanders lay on our oars and +laughed till the tears rolled out of us in streams." + +"Who did steal it? Do you know?" I asked. + +Billy John nodded. "I do, Sir. Why, great Susan, o' course. They'd +forgotten she, livin' right upon the beach--wan o' their own breed. +Susan stalked en through the fog an' had en locked in her own house +before they could turn round. And many a full meal we poor honest +mainlanders had off it, Sir, take it from me." + +PATLANDER. + + * * * * * + +=Our Cynical Municipalities.= + + "Schemes for the relief of the unemployed at ---- include the + extension of the cemetery." + + _Daily Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "The constable went to the warehouse doorway and found two men, + who, when asked to account for their movements, suddenly bolted in + different directions, pursued by the constable."--_Welsh Paper._ + +A worthy colleague of the Irish policeman who in a somewhat similar +dilemma "surrounded the crowd." + + * * * * * + +VIGNETTES OF SCOTTISH SPORT. + +(_By a Peckham Highlander._) + + O brawly sklents the break o' day + On far Lochaber's bank and brae, + And briskly bra's the Hielan' burn + Where day by day the Southron kern + Comes busking through the bonnie brake + Wi' rod and creel o' finest make, + And gars the artfu' trouties rise + Wi' a' the newest kinds o' flies, + Nor doots that ere the sun's at rest + He'll catch a basket o' the best. + For what's so sweet to nose o' man + As trouties skirrlin' in the pan + Wi' whiles a nip o' mountain dew + Tae warm the chilly Saxon through, + And hold the balance fair and right + Twixt intellect and appetite? + But a' in vain the Southron throws + Abune each trout's suspectfu' nose + His gnats and coachmen, greys and brouns, + And siclike gear that's sold in touns, + And a' in vain the burn he whups + Frae earliest sunrise till the tups + Wi' mony a wean-compelling "meeeh!" + Announce the punctual close of day. + Then hameward by the well-worn track + Gangs the disgruntled Sassenach, + And, having dined off mountain sheep, + Betakes him moodily to sleep. + And "Ah!" he cries, "would I micht be + A clansman kilted to the knee, + Wi' sporran, plaid and buckled shoe, + And Caledonian whuskers too! + Would I could wake the pibroch's throes + And live on parritch and peas brose + And spurn the ling wi' knotty knees, + The dourest Scot fra Esk tae Tees! + For only such, I'll answer for 't, + Are rightly built for Hielan' sport, + Can stalk Ben Ledi's antlered stag + Frae scaur to scaur and crag tae crag, + Cra'ing like serrpents through the grass + On waumies bound wi' triple brass; + Can find themselves at set o' sun, + Wi' sandwiches and whusky gone, + And twenty miles o' scaur and fell + Fra Miss McOstrich's hotel, + Yet utter no revilin' word + Against the undiminished herd + Of antlered monarchs of the glen + That never crossed their eagle ken: + But a' unfrettit turn and say, + 'Hoots, but the sport's been grand the day!' + For none but Scotsmen born and bred, + When ither folk lie snug in bed, + Would face yon cauld and watery pass, + The eerie peat-hag's dark morass, + Where wails the whaup wi' mournful screams, + Tae wade a' day in icy streams + An' flog the burn wi' feckless flies + Though ilka trout declines tae rise, + Then hameward crunch wi' empty creel + Tae sit and hark wi' unquenched zeal + Tae dafties' tales o' lonesome tarns + Cramfu' o' trout as big as barns." + + E'en thus the envious Southron girds + Complainin' fate wi' bitter words + For a' the virtues she allots + Unto the hardy race o' Scots. + And when the sun the brae's abune + He taks the train to London toun, + Vowing he ne'er again will turn + Tae Scottish crag or Hielan' burn, + But hire a punt and fish for dace + At Goring or some ither place. + + ALGOL. + + * * * * * + +EFFECT AND CAUSE. + +The bell was knelling: dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong, dong. + +Inside the Hall there was nothing but gloom. + +Suddenly the echoes were startled by a loud knocking on the door: rat, +tat, tat, tat, tat, tat, ratta, tatta, tatta, tatta, tat, tat. + +Who could it be? + +The old servitor shambled to undo the bolts. As he opened the door the +wind rushed in, carrying great flakes of snow with it and an icy blast +penetrated to every corner of the house. + +There followed a man muffled up to the eyes in a vast red scarf--or +not so much red as pink, salmon colour--which he proceeded gradually +to unwind, revealing at length the features of Mr. James Tod Brown, +the senior partner of the firm of Brown, Brown & Brown, of Little +Britain. Save for a curious nervousness of speech which caused him to +repeat every remark several times, Mr. James Tod Brown was a typical +lawyer, in the matter of ability far in advance of either of his +partners, Brown or Brown. + +"Dear me," he said, "dear me, dear me! This is very sad, very +sad--very sudden too, very sudden. And what--tut, tut, dear, dear, let +me see--what was the cause of--ah! What was the cause--what was it +that occasioned the--how did your master come to die? Yes, how did +your master come to die?" + + * * * * * + +"What is it all about?" asks the reader. + +Well, it is not quite so meaningless as it may appear; there is method +in the madness; for this is a passage from a story by one of the most +popular English authors in America, to whom an American editor has +offered twenty cents a word. At the present rate of exchange such +commissions are not to be trifled with. + + * * * * * + + "Wanted, experienced Parlourmaid for a good home, where the + household does not change."--_Local Paper._ + +Apparently "no washing." + + * * * * * +[Illustration _Cheerful Sportsman._ "HULLO, PADRE! I SEE YOUR LATE +COLLEAGUE HAS GONE ON AHEAD."] + + * * * * * + + + + +OUR BOOKING-OFFICE. + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +MR. JOSEPH HERGESHEIMER, for whose work as a novelist I have more +than once expressed high admiration, has now brought together seven +long-short stories under the collective title of _The Happy End_ +(HEINEMANN). Lest however this name and the little preface, in which +the writer asserts that his wares "have but one purpose--to give +pleasure," should lead you to expect that species of happy ending in +which Jack shall have Jill and naught shall go ill, I think a word of +warning may not be wasted. In only three of the tales is the finish +a matter of conventional happiness. Elsewhere you have a deserted +husband, who has tracked his betrayer to a nigger saloon in Atlantic +City, wrested from his purpose of murder by a revivalist hymn; a young +lad, having avenged the destruction of his home, returning to his +widowed mother to await, one supposes, the process of the law; or an +over-fed war profiteer stricken with apoplexy at sight of a boat full +of the starved victims of a submarine outrage. You observe perhaps +that the epithet "happy" is one to which the artist and the casual +reader may attach a different significance. But let not anything I +have said be considered as reflecting upon the tales themselves, which +indeed seem to me to be masterpieces of their kind. Personally my +choice would rest on the last, "The Thrush in the Hedge," a simple +history of how the voice of a young tramp was revealed by his chance +meeting with a blind and drug-sodden fiddler who had once played in +opera--a thing of such unforced art that its concluding pages, when +the discovery is put to a final test, shake the mind with apprehension +and hope. A writer who can make a short story do that comes near to +genius. + + * * * * * + +If you wish to play the now fashionable game of +newspaper-proprietor-baiting you can, with Miss ROSE MACAULAY, create +a possible but not actual figure like _Potter_ and, using it for +stalking-horse, duly point your moral; or, with Mr. W. L. GEORGE in +_Caliban_ (METHUEN), you can begin by mentioning all the well-known +figures in the journalistic world by way of easy camouflage, so as to +evade the law of libel, call your hero-villain _Bulmer_, attach to +him all the legends about actual newspaper kings, add some malicious +distortion to make them more exciting and impossible, and thoroughly +let yourself go. Good taste alone will decide which is the cleaner +sport, and good taste does not happen to be the fashion in certain +literary circles at the moment. Of course Mr. GEORGE, being a novelist +of some skill, has provided a background out of his imagination. The +most interesting episode, excellently conceived and worked out, is +the only unsuccessful passage in _Lord Bulmer's_ life, the wooing of +_Janet Willoughby_. The awkward thing for Mr. GEORGE is that he has so +splashed the yellow over _Bulmer_ in the office that there is no +use in his pretending that the _Bulmer_ in _Mrs. Willoughby's_ +drawing-room is the same man in another mood. He just isn't. +Incidentally the author gives us the best defence of the saffron +school of journalism I've read--a defence that's a little too good +to believe; and some shrewd blows above (and, as I have hinted, +occasionally below) the belt. + + * * * * * + +I want to give the epithet "lush" to _The Breathless Moment_ (LANE), +and, although the dictionary asks me as far as in me lies to reserve +that adjective for grass, I really don't see why, just for once, I +shouldn't do what I like with it. Lush grass is generally long and +brightly coloured--"luxuriant and succulent," the dictionary says--and +that is exactly what MISS MURIEL HINE'S book is. She tells the story +of _Sabine Fane_, who, loving _Mark Vallance_, persuaded him to pass +a honeymoon month with her before he went to the Front, though his +undesirable wife was still alive. In allowing her heroine to suffer +the penalty of this action Miss HINE would appear, as far as plot is +concerned, to discourage such adventures. But _Sabine_ is so charming, +her troubles end so happily and the setting of West Country scenery is +so beautiful that, taken as a whole, I should expect the book to have +the opposite effect. The picture of a tall green wave propelling +a very solid rainbow, which adorns the paper wrapper and as an +advertisement has cheered travellers on the Tube for some weeks past, +has no real connection with the story, but perhaps is meant to be +symbolical of the book, which, clever and well written as it is, is +almost as little like what happens in real life. + + * * * * * + +_The Uses of Diversity_ (METHUEN) is the title of a little volume in +which Mr. G. K. CHESTERTON has reprinted a selection of his shorter +essays, fugitive pieces of journalism, over which indeed the casual +reader may experience some natural bewilderment at finding, what is +inevitable in such work, the trivialities of the day before yesterday +treated with the respect of contemporary regard. Many of the papers +are inspired by the appearance of a particular book or play. I can +best illustrate what I have said above by a quotation from one of +them, in which the author wrote (_a propos_ of the silver goblets in +_Henry VIII._ at His Majesty's) that he supposed such realism might +be extended to include "a real Jew to act _Shylock_." For those who +recall a recent triumph, this flight of imagination will now have an +oddly archaic effect. It is by no means the only passage to remind us +sharply that much canvas has gone over the stage rollers since these +appreciations were written. Unquestionably Mr. CHESTERTON, with the +unstaled entertainment of his verbal acrobatics, stands the ordeal of +such revival better than most. Even when he is upon a theme so outworn +as the "Pageants that have adorned England of late," he can always +astonish with some grave paradox. But for all that I still doubt +whether journalism so much of the moment as this had not more fitly +been left for the pleasure of casual rediscovery in its original home +than served up with the slightly overweighting dignity of even so +small a volume. + + * * * * * + +In _A Tale That Is Told_ (COLLINS), Mr. FREDERICK NIVEN throws himself +into the personality of _Harold Grey_, who is the youngest son of an +"eminent Scottish divine," and constitutes himself the annalist of +the family, its private affairs and its professional business in the +commerce of literature and art. The right of the family to its annals, +notwithstanding that its members are little involved in furious +adventures or thrilling romance, is established at once by the very +remarkable character of the _Reverend Thomas Grey_. The duty upon you +to read them depends, as the prologue hints, upon whether you are +greatly interested in life and not exclusively intent on fiction. When +I realised that I must expect no more than an account, without climax, +of years spent as a tale that is told, I accepted the conditions +subject to certain terms of my own. The family must be an interesting +one and not too ordinary; the sons, _Thomas_ (whose creed was "Give +yourself," and whose application of it was such that it usually +wrecked the person to whom the gift was made), _Dick_ the artist, and +_John_ the novelist, must be very much alive; if the big adventures +were missing the little problems must be faced; the question of sex +must not be overlooked; and of humour none of the characters must be +devoid, and the historian himself must be full. Mr. NIVEN failed me in +no particular. + + * * * * * + +Miss F. E. MILLS YOUNG, in _Imprudence_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON), is not +at the top of her form, but a neat and effective finish makes some +amends for a performance which is, like the wind in a weather report, +mainly moderate or light. The heroine, _Prudence Graynor_, was the +child of her father's second marriage, and she was afflicted with +a battalion of elderly half-sisters and one quite detestable +half-brother. This battalion was commanded by one _Agatha_, and it +submitted to her orders and caprices in a way incomprehensible to +_Prudence_--and incidentally to me. The _Graynors_ and also the +_Morgans_ were of "influential commercial stock," and both families +were so essentially Victorian in their outlook and manner of living +that I was surprised when 1914 was announced. The trouble with this +story is that too many of the characters are drawn from the stock-pot. +But I admit that, before we have done with them, they acquire a +certain distinction from the adroitness with which the author +extricates them from apparently hopeless situations. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: MORE WORRIES OF THE MIDDLE AGES. + +_The Goat._ "WHO ARE YOU?" + +_The Man_ (_greatly disturbed_). "WHO? ME? I--I'M THE NEW GAMEKEEPER." + +_The Goat._ "WELL, I'M THE LATE GAMEKEEPER. YOU SEE, OLD BILKS THE +SORCERER TOOK TO POACHING LATELY, AND I WAS FOOL ENOUGH TO CATCH HIM +AT IT."] + + * * * * * + +=Praise from "The Times."= + + "The Chancellor of the Exchequer, with that absence of commercial + training which is essential to one occupying such a position..." + + * * * * * + +=Another Sex-Problem=. + + "WANTED.--Six White Leghorn Cockerels; 6 Black Minorca Cockerels. + Must lay eggs."--_Times of Ceylon._ + + * * * * * + + "A dreamy professor in a dim romantic laboratory may light upon + a placid formula and, like Aladdin, roll back the portals of the + enchanted fastness with a tranquil open sesame."--_Magazine._ + +But why should his laboratory be dim when he has _Ali Baba's_ +wonderful lamp to light it? + + * * * * * + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, December 8, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 19127.txt or 19127.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/1/2/19127/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, +Jonathan Ingram and the Online Distributed Proofreading +Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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