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diff --git a/19105-8.txt b/19105-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..5abc3f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2413 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +December 1, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, December 1, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: August 23, 2006 [EBook #19105] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +PUNCH, OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI. + +VOL. 159. + + + +December 1st, 1920. + + + + +CHARIVARIA. + + +ACCORDING to _The Evening News_, lambs have already put in an +appearance in Dorset. People who expect the POET LAUREATE to rush to +the spot will be bitterly disappointed. + + * * * + +"What was a golden eagle doing in Lincolnshire?" asks "L.G.M." in _The +Daily Mail_. We never answer these personal questions. + + * * * + +The Public Libraries Committee of West Ham has declined to purchase +_The Autobiography of Margot Asquith_. It would just serve them right +if the publisher sent them a copy. + + * * * + +Sir R. BADEN-POWELL recently declared that men contemplating matrimony +would do well to notice whether their prospective brides gave an +inside or an outside tread. We still maintain that the safest course +is to remain single and not be trodden on either way. + + * * * + +The report that a British soldier has recently discovered a genuine +specimen of a small war, in which Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL had no hand +whatever, is now regarded as untrustworthy. + + * * * + +A Scotsman knocked down by a car in New York was given a glass of +water and quickly regained consciousness. He is now making inquiries +concerning the number of times one has to be knocked down in order to +get a drop of spirit. + + * * * + +Sea-gulls have been observed near the Willesden public parks. It is +assumed that they didn't know it was Willesden. + + * * * + +A clothing firm advertises suits to fit any figure. It is not known +what eventually happened to the man who asked them to supply him with +a suit for a figure round about thirty shillings. + + * * * + +An express train recently crashed through the closed gates of a +level-crossing in Yorkshire. As the driver did not pull up in order to +see what damage he had done, it is supposed that he was originally a +motorist. + + * * * + +Another walk from London to Brighton is being organised. It is +hoped that this habit will ultimately bring down the high cost of +travelling. + + * * * + +The Hammersmith Council, says a news item, has placed an order for +tiles in Belgium. Another shrewd stroke at the Sandringham hat. + + * * * + +"Trade combinations," declares Sir ROBERT HORNE, "are not responsible +for the increased cost of living." We agree. The struggle for our last +shilling between the dogged-as-does-it butcher and the grocer who +never knows when he is beaten is _à outrance_. + + * * * + +Next year is Census year, and people are kindly requested to be born +early in order to avoid the rush at the last moment. + + * * * + +A new bathing-suit invented by an official of the Royal Army Clothing +Department is claimed to make drowning impossible. It is said to fill +a long-felt want among young kittens. + + * * * + +Should this bathing-suit fail to save any person from drowning he can +call at the office and have his money back. + + * * * + +We are asked to deny the rumour said to be current in Manchester to +the effect that the PRIME MINISTER was contemplating publishing a +Northern edition of his New World. + + * * * + +"To be happy, marry a brown-eyed girl," says _The Daily Graphic_. A +correspondent writes to say that he invariably does. + + * * * + +"My lodger," said a complainant at Clerkenwell Police Court, +"threatens to tear me up into pieces." It was pointed out to him that +this would be a breach of the law. + + * * * + +During a duel on the cliffs near Boulogne one of the combatants +deliberately fired his revolver into the sea, whereupon the other +immediately fired into the air. There seems to be no end to the +dangers which beset submarine-sailors and airmen. + + * * * + +A few days ago an angler at Southend-on-Sea fished up a silver chain +purse containing four one-pound notes. His claim that a large leather +wallet containing several fivers and a diamond ring broke the line and +got away after a terrific struggle is being received with the usual +caution. + + * * * + +The many critics of the POSTMASTER-GENERAL should remember that +telephones are all right if people would only let them alone. + + * * * + +Our heart goes out to the veteran philosopher who, when caught +climbing apple-trees in a farmer's orchard, pleaded that he had been +tampering with a thyroid gland. + + * * * + +Five million typhoid germs, the property of Mr. JOHN GIBBON, are said +to be at large in Philadelphia, according to _The Daily Express_. One +of them is said to have got away disguised as a measle. + + * * * + +According to _The Daily Mail_ a panic was recently caused in a +Manchester tea-room by a rat which took refuge in the leg of a +gentleman's trousers. This may not mean that the need of a new style +of rat-proof trouser has attracted the interest of Carmelite House +publicity agents, but we have our apprehensions. + + * * * + +"Hard work will kill no one," declares a literary editor. Most people, +of course, prefer an occupation with a spice of danger about it. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Son._ "MUVVER, TELL ME 'OW FARVER GOT TER KNOW YER." + +_Mother._ "ONE DYE I FELL INTO THE WATER AN' 'E JUMPED IN AN' FISHED +ME AHT." + +_Son_ (_thoughtfully_). "H'M, THET'S FUNNY; 'E WON'T LET ME LEARN TER +SWIM."] + + * * * * * + +"Madame ----, Dressmaker, Milliner, and Ladies' making paths, tree +lifting; planting; would suit nursery."--_Provincial Paper._ + +But would she do plain sowing? + + * * * * * + + +=THE STANDARD GOLF-BALL.= + + I do not want a standard ball, + So many to the pound; + Whether its girth is trim and svelte + Or built to take an out-size belt, + I hardly seem to care at all + So long as it is round. + + But it appears to my poor wit + That we might well contrive + A means by which the merest babe + Would hold his own with MITCHELL (ABE), + If we could have a standard _hit_ + (Especially the drive). + + I want a limit made to bar + The unrestricted whack + (A hundred yards I think should be + The length on which we might agree), + And if you pushed the ball too far + You'd have to bring it back. + + And I should love a standard _lie_. + A ball inside a cup + Or latent under sand or whin + Hampers my progress toward the pin; + It would improve my game if I + Could lift and tee it up. + + But most, when tongues of golfers wag, + Talking their dreadful shop + Of rotten luck and stymies laid + And chip-approaches, TAYLOR-made-- + Oh, then I want a standard _gag_ + To make the blighters stop. + + O. S. + + * * * * * + +=THE LANGUAGE FOR LOGIC.= + +"Very well," I said, "if Jones is laid up I'll go round myself." + +Our French visitor chuckled quietly and then shrugged his shoulders by +way of apology. + +"Pardon," he murmured with the most disarming politeness, "but your +English language it is so veray funny, and I 'ave not yet become quite +used to it. Is it not that it lack the accuracy, what you call the +logic, of the French?" + +"Indeed," I said, without the least interest. + +But my wife was all enthusiasm. She clapped her hands in delighted +agreement. "M. du Val is quite right, Dickie," she said. "We are a +frightfully illogical lot, aren't we? I mean, the French are able to +say just exactly what they mean." + +"Your reinforcement, Madame, it completes my victory," replied the +Frenchman with a graceful gesture. "_Voyez, M'sieu'_," he added, +turning to me, "you 'ave just said zat your friend is laid _up_, when +the unfortunate truth is zat he is laid _down_, and because of zat you +will encircle, surround, make a tour of your person." + +"There, you see," said my wife flatly, "it's all utterly illogical. +Think how logical the French are." + +"Well, let us work it out," I said in hearty agreement. "As a start +I solemnly declare that the French are not so logical as they don't +think." + +"As they _don't_ think?" repeated my wife in surprise. + +"Ah!" I retorted, "you are not so observant as you might not be. I was +merely giving you a little French idiom, 'logically' and 'accurately +done into English.'" + +"Mister," I next asked our ally, "your visit to England, will she be +prolonged?" + +"Who's the lady?" interrupted my wife. + +"M. du Val's visit, of course, dear," I informed her. "You forget that +the French are particularly logical with their genders." + +"M'sieu'!" murmured the guest, rather puzzled. + +"I asked," I went on for M. du Val's edification, "because if you +stay long enough you may have the pleasure of meeting the parents of +Mistress my wife. They are coming to the house of us next month. His +father is extremely anxious to see her daughter, whom he has not seen +since his wedding--" + +"Whom in the world are you talking about?" muttered my wife. + +"Monsieur will readily understand," I said wickedly, "that I allude +to my wife and their parents. I hope they will bring his brother with +them." + +"'Her,' you should say," my wife put in with the suspicion of a snap. +"There's only Johnny and me." + +"It was of Johnny I spoke," I assured her. "And, by the way, if you +haven't heard the latest gossip it may interest you to hear that +the young rascal has formed an attachment, and is very proud of +her _fiancée_. She is an awfully pretty girl and quite athletic as +well--in fact, his arm is not nearly so small as Johnny's isn't, and +his carriage is perfect. Their eyes are lovely, while a poet would +rave about his sweet nose, her rosebud mouth and their longs blacks +hairs. Their shoes--" + +"Oh, stop!" cried my wife. "You're muddling me all up. Are you talking +about Johnny or--" + +"Name of a pipe, my cabbage," I said, determined to give her logic +with swear-words and endearments as well, "where has your reasoning +gone to? Any logical Frenchman would tell you at once that I wasn't +talking about Johnny, but about her girl. As I was saying, their shoes +have each a dinky Gibson bow on her." + +"M'sieu'," reflected M. du Val in his polite way, "I begin to think +zat you are getting ze advantage over me." + +"Don't take any notice of him, Mosseer," pleaded my wife indignantly; +"he's only pulling your leg." + +"Pulling my--?" The Frenchman cogitated for a minute; then he +understood and smiled in a superior way again. "All the same," he +murmured quietly, "we French 'ave not _all_ ze illogicalness, _n'est +ce pas_?" + +"Not quite all," I cheerfully agreed. "By the way, would you like to +come with us this afternoon to the great Review in Hyde Park? Her +Majesty the KING will be there, also the QUEEN and very likely His +Royal Highness Princess MARY--" + +"I come wiz muchness of pleasure," assented our guest very hurriedly. +Then, being a thorough little sportsman, he added with a bow:-- + +"If M'sieu' could persuade _'er_ wife to wear _'is_ new 'at, so veray +charming?" + + * * * * * + + =Another Apology Wanted.= "AN ATTRACTIVE EVENT AT ---- CHAPEL. + LADY ABSENT FOR FIRST TIME FOR FIFTY YEARS." _Provincial Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "Dogs frequently go straight to destruction in this way, but an + official of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Animals + told an _Evening News_ representative he did not think they had + suicidal intentions."--_Evening News._ + +If they had there would be less need for the Society. + + * * * * * + + "Persian Rugs for Sale by gentleman recently returned from Persia; + various designs, old and modern; no dealers; preferably after six + evenings."--_Daily Paper._ + +This gentleman seems to have brought back with him the methods of the +Oriental bazaar. Six evenings is about the average time for adjusting +a bargain. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: =BALM FOR THE SICK MAN.= + +THE TURK (_after reading report from Greece_). "WELL DID THE INFIDEL +SAY, 'WHEN ROGUES FALL OUT HONEST MEN COME BY THEIR OWN'!"] + + * * * * * +[Illustration: _Parent (after tour of inspection of Art school)._ +"YES, I THINK THIS WILL DO. I'LL SEND MY DAUGHTER HERE. YOUR +VENTILATION SEEMS GOOD."] + + * * * * * + +=UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS.= + +=IV.--DR. ADDISON.= + +The ridiculous tradition of government by K. C.'s has for some time +past been broken down, and quite a number of our present Ministers +have never taken silk in their lives, except from cocoons in a +match-box. There is at least one business man in the Cabinet, and even +the LORD CHANCELLOR, great lawyer though he is, is almost equally +renowned as a horseman. "He sits the Woolsack," a hard-riding Peer has +said of him, "almost as though he were part of it." + +Of this tendency to break away from the Bar Dr. ADDISON is one of the +pleasantest examples. We Englishmen surely owe as much to our great +physicians as to our great lawyers, and in some cases indeed the +fees are even higher. After the Demosthenic periods and Ciceronian +verbosity of some of our previous rulers Dr. ADDISON'S bright bedside +manner with an ailing or moribund Bill is a refreshing spectacle. The +shrewd face under the shock of white hair is too well known to need +description. The small black bag and the slight bulge in the top-hat, +caused by the stethoscope, are equally familiar. Nor is there wanting +in Dr. ADDISON that touch of firmness which is so necessary to a +good practitioner and in his case comes partly, no doubt, from his +Lincolnshire origin, for he was born in the county which has already +produced such men as Sir ISAAC NEWTON, the late Lord TENNYSON, M. +WORTH of Paris, the present Governor of South Australia and HEREWARD +THE WAKE. + +None but the robustest of officials is allowed to direct the affairs +of the new Ministry of Health. The patron saint of its Chief is St. +Pancreas and his eupepsia is reflected in his subordinates. His junior +clerks whistle continuously, his liftmen yodel, his typists sing. Of +his own official methods I have been privileged to obtain the report +of an eye-witness. Let us suppose that, as frequently happens, a +deputation of disappointed house-hunters has arrived to see him. + +_Leader of Deputation._ We want houses and we won't wait. + +_Dr. Addison (tapping his forehead and glancing significantly at his +Private Secretary)._ Tck, tck! That's very serious. Shall we feel the +pulse? + + [_Leader of Deputation puts his hand out. Private Secretary + takes out his watch. Sixty seconds elapse._ + +_Dr. Addison._ Do you take much walking exercise? + +_Leader of Deputation._ No. + +_Dr. Addison._ Ah, I thought as much. + + "After breakfast walk a mile, + After dinner rest awhile." + +What you need is a good sound constitutional every morning. If you +_see_ any houses, of course there is no objection to your _looking_ at +them. But keep on walking, mind; don't loiter. And come back to me in +a month's time and we'll see how you are then. + + [_Exit Deputation, looking slightly dazed._ + +Almost equally successful is Dr. ADDISON'S professional method +in dealing with representatives of the Building Trades Unions. A +bricklayers' leader, let us say, has expounded at great length the +technical difficulties which prevent rapidity of construction. + +_Dr. Addison_ (_softly and suddenly_). Take a deep breath. +(_Bricklayer takes it._) Say ninety-nine! (_Bricklayer tries hard._) +Where do you feel the pain? + +_Bricklayer._ In the shoulders and arms. + +_Dr. Addison._ Tck, tck, we must go easy. Don't take it too quickly, +and we'll have you right again before the year's out. Try three bricks +a day and come and see me in a month's time. + +These, however, are not the only methods by which Dr. ADDISON has +attempted to remedy the crisis. At his suggestion a permanent +sub-committee of the Cabinet, called "The Happy Homes for Heroes' +Panel," was appointed, and it was during one of its sessions that the +bright idea of Housing Bonds was originated, I believe by Sir ALFRED +MOND. If the campaign has not met with the success which it deserves, +the cause is probably to be found in the slightly unfortunate title +whose assonance suggests to the public mind the "House of Bondage" in +the Psalms. It would have been better, I think, to adopt Mr. AUSTEN +CHAMBERLAIN'S suggestion, which was "The Cosy Cot Combine." + +However, things are not as bad as they might seem, and outside one +large suburb the other day I observed a gang of bricklayers actually +in operation, anxiously hovered over by a clerk from the Ministry, +thermometer in hand. + +I think I have forgotten to mention in this brief sketch that Dr. +ADDISON has a frame of iron. Since I have said it of all the other +Cabinet Ministers of whom I have spoken, I ought certainly to say it +of Dr. ADDISON too. Like Mr. LLOYD GEORGE, like Mr. WINSTON CHURCHILL, +like Sir ERIC GEDDES, the MINISTER OF HEALTH AND HOUSING has a frame +of iron. All that he really needs is the concrete. + +K. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Wealthy Parvenu_ (_showing acquaintance his house, +"ancestors," etc_.). "AH! AN' THEY'RE ALL TIP-TOP AN' PRE-WAR, MIND +YER."] + + * * * * * + +=ELEGIA MACCHERONICA.= + + [We print as it reaches us this strange incoherent ejaculatory + effusion, signed "A Lover of the Old Italian Opera." With the + general spirit of this valediction it is possible to feel a + certain amount of sympathy, but the author is clearly inaccurate + in including amongst the bygone glories of the institution which + he deplores places, persons, musical and even culinary features + which are by no means obsolete. We confess also to grave misgiving + as to the purity of the writer's style, which in some lines seems + to smack more of the debased Anglo-Italian of Soho than the + crystal-clarity of the Tuscan of Carducci.] + + O TEMPI passati!-- + PAGANI, FRASCATI, + MASCAGNI, SGAMBATI-- + O Asti spumante! + O scena cantante! + Polenta, risotto, + O contra-fagotto! + Sordini, spaghetti, + BELLINI, confetti. + O cioppo dal grillo! + TARTINI del "trillo," + _Barbière_, "Di tanti," + O fiaschi di Chianti! + O dolce solfeggio! + O caro arpeggio! + Salsiccia con veggio! + O lingua Toscana! + O bocca Romana! + O voce di petto! + _Rigoletto_, _Masetto_, + Stringendo e stretto, + O notte di festa! + E poi mal di testa. + O Caffè di GATTI! + O PASTA! O PATTI! + O PATTI! O PASTA! + O Brava! O Basta! + O danza San VITO! + _Clemenza di Tito_, + CAMILLO BOÏTO, + _Sarastro_, "Qui sdegno," + Da capo, dal segno, + ALBANI, ALBONI! + TREBELLI, GARDONI! + O coloratura! + O bella bravura! + O "Salve dimora!" + O _Norma_, _Dinorah!_ + O lunga cadenza + Senza desinenza, + O tempo rubato! + Strumenti a fiato! + O pingue contralto! + O ponte di Rialto! + O basso profondo! + O fine del mondo! + O "voi che sapete!"-- + PER SEMPRE VALETE! + + * * * * * +=RACING AS A BUSINESS.= + +[The kind of article which one may confidently look for in the +sporting columns of a penny newspaper at this time of the year.] + +From the very beginning of the season I have insisted that our +objective should be "the winter's keep." Those who have stuck to me +all along and played my system are on velvet. + +During the flat-racing year I have given a hundred-and-fourteen +selections. Let me just tabulate the results; I like tabulating, for +it fills my column in no time. + +Selections. Won. Second. Third. Unplaced. + 114 5 8 1 100 + + N.B.--Non-starters neglected. + +The above is a statement of which I may well be proud. I assert with +confidence that few sporting journalists can show anything like this +record. + +Certain captious correspondents like "O. T." and "Disgusted" have +pointed out that my selections during this period show a loss of £104 +9s. 11-1/2d. on a _flat stake_ of £1. All I can say is that people who +bet increasing stakes are increasing, while people who bet flat stakes +are---- Well, that disposes of "Disgusted" and "O. T." My readers know +that my system is to have the minimum stake on the losers and the +maximum stake on the winners. We shall never attain that abstract +perfection, but we should keep this ideal before us. I believe in +idealism; it pays. + +Take yesterday's selections, for instance. Here they are, with results +tabulated:-- + + 1.00 Breathing Time _Unplaced._ + 1.30 Taddenham _Unplaced._ + 2.00 Aminta I. _Unplaced._ + 2.30 Giddy Gertie _Non-starter._ + 3.00 Transformation _Unplaced._ + 3.30 Likely Case _Won--20 to 1 on._ + +That I consider a highly successful day's racing, provided your +stakes were proportionally placed; and here again I must insist on my +principle of maximum and minimum stakes. + +Let us suppose, as naturally most of my readers did, that a backer +went to the course with a bookmaker's credit of twenty thousand pounds +and a thousand or so spare cash in his pocket. Being a shrewd man he +would place £1 on Breathing Time to win. (I daresay even "O. T." and +"Disgusted" did me the honour of following me so far.) On Taddenham, +true to my principles, our backer would raise his stake to £1 10s. +Aminta I. would carry £2, or £2 10s. if he were punting. But I cannot +too strongly discourage this habit of making violent increases in +stake; it is almost gambling. Much better put on only £2 with a +safe bookmaker, such as Mr. Bob Mowbray, of Conduit Street, whose +advertisement appears elsewhere in our columns. + +To proceed, our backer finds to his relief that Giddy Gertie is a +non-starter and retires to the refreshment bar for a bracer. The 2.30 +race being run off he returns to the Ring for the serious business of +the day. After examining Transformation in the paddock and listening +to the comments of the knowing ones--"Too thick in the barrel," "Too +long in the pastern," "Too moth-eaten in the coat"--he will exercise +caution and, instead of "putting his shirt" on Transformation and +plunging to the extent of, say, £5, will put up not more than £3 10s. +and await the result with calmness. When Transformation is returned +unplaced (or, as "O. T." and "Disgusted" would say, "also ran") our +backer is not abashed. Taking full advantage of his credit he places +his twenty thousand on Likely Case, together perhaps with the odd +thousand or so in his pocket, being careful, however, to ascertain +that his return ticket is still safely in his possession. + +Our backer is shrewd enough to understand that this is a case for the +maximum stake. Strong in his faith in my principle he sees Likely Case +win with little surprise. + +Returning to Town that evening he records his day's dealings in this +manner: + + Lost. Won. + _£ s. d. £ s. d._ +Breathing Time 1 0 0 -- +Taddenham 1 10 0 -- +Aminta I. 2 0 0 -- +Giddy Gertie -- -- +Transformation 3 10 0 -- +Likely Case -- 1,000 0 0 +Expenses: Return + ticket, entrances, + three double + b. & s., etc. 2 0 4 -- + --------- ----------- + 10 0 4 1,000 0 0 + 10 0 4 + ------------ + Balance £989 19 8 + +I may mention that the official s.p. of 20 to 1 on Likely Case is +distinctly cramped. On the course it was possible to obtain more +generous terms and lay only 19 to 1 on. + +Thus one sportsman by careful observance of my principle has stacked +up a goodly array of chips towards his winter's keep. All this goes to +show that if a man will bet sanely and avoid "going for the gloves" he +can make a modest competence on the Turf. + +This afternoon the Vale Selling Plate of 300 sovs. is down for +decision. To fill my space I cannot do better than give a list of + + PROBABLE STARTERS AND JOCKEYS. + + st. lb. + MAYANA 9 7 Digby. + AVIGNON 9 3 Harris. + WISE UNCLE 8 7 Holmes (O.) + PERIWIG 7 7 Benny. + BEATUS 7 0 Peters. + +In Nurseries, Weight-for-age races and so on I make it a rule to give +only one selection, but in a struggle of this importance I expect to +receive a little more latitude. Of these, then, I take Mayana and +Periwig to beat the field. At the same time I feel strongly that Wise +Uncle's form at Kempton was not correct, and that he will nearly win, +if he can beat Beatus, who seems to be let in nicely at 7 st. All the +above will be triers, but it is doubtful whether any amount of trying +will enable them to beat Avignon, whose chances I am content to +support. I conclude by wishing my readers a good time over this race. + + * * * * * + + +=NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.= + +THE WORM. + + The worms, the worms, the wriggly worms, + They keep on eating earth, + And always in the grossest terms + Complain about their birth; + They have no eyes, they have no eyes, + They cannot read a book; + I wonder if they realise + What dreadful things they look. + + The trowel cuts them quite in half, + It is a bitter cup; + They give a sour sardonic laugh + And sew the pieces up; + They sew them up and wind away + With seeming unconcern, + But oh, be careful! one fine day + I hear the worm will turn. + + And though I don't know what it means, + I know what reptiles are; + They love to make unpleasant scenes + When people go too far; + However calm he seems to be + When only cut in two, + If you go cutting him in three + I don't know _what_ he'd do! + + A. P. H. + + * * * * * + +=Effect of the Greek Imbroglio.= + + "Asked why _The Daily Mail_ had been asked to send a + representative, Mr. MacSweeney stated that Mr. MacCormack + had cancelled an agreement with his agent, which meant the + cancellatino of a number of provincial engagements."--_Daily + Paper._ + + * * * * * + + "AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF } + MARGOT ASQUITH. } POLY. PRICE 25/- + + With 43 Illustrations. + + A NOAH'S ARK + + With a real educational interest. Education + without effort. Containing 25 animals, all + perfectly drawn."--_Advt. in Glasgow Paper._ + +Not at all a bad description. + + * * * * * + + "The Oxford University forwards created a very favourable + impression against Major Stanley's XV. at Oxford yesterday, and + were not to blame for the defeat of the University by 2 placed + girls...."--_Daily Paper._ + +Here's to the maidens of STANLEY'S XV.! + + * * * * * +[Illustration: =THE HANDY LITTLE CAR.=] + + * * * * * +THE PLACE OF THE TROMBONE IN THE BAND. + +When I speak of the place of the trombone in the band I am not +referring to his site or locality. That is for the conductor to +settle. My purpose is to give an intelligent reply to the oft-quoted +query, "Why the trombone?" + +Everybody knows that it is not in the band for musical purposes. It +is not a musical instrument. The man who could extract music from a +trombone could get grapes out of a coal-mine. + +No, its _raison d'être_ is mostly critical and punitive. It is there +to see that the orchestra does its job and to put the fear of a +hectic hereafter into the man who is out of step with his +fellow-conspirators. + +The uninformed have a vague idea that the conductor should do that +with his little stick. But I put it to you, what use would a little +stick be against a man like the big drum? A meat-axe would have some +point, but the difficulties of conducting with a meat-axe will be +obvious to even the least musical. + +When the French horn, in the throes of a liver attack, sees +supplementary spots on the score and plays them with abandon, or when +the clarionet (or clarinet), having inadvertently sucked down a fly +which in an adventurous mood has strolled into one of those little +holes in the instrument, coughs himself half out of his evening +clothes, does the conductor forsake his air of austerity and +use language unbefitting a solemn occasion? Does he pick up his +music-stand and hurl it at the offender? He does not. It would be a +breach of etiquette. + +He simply signals to the trombone, who promptly turns the exit part +of his instrument on the culprit and gives a bray that makes the +unfortunate man's shirt-front crumple up like a concertina. That is +discipline. + +Then again the trombone is employed as a sort of brake when in a +moment of excitement the rest of the orchestra has a tendency to +overdo things. + +For example, all will remember the throbbing moment at the end of the +drama, where the hero and heroine, murmuring "At last!" fall into each +other's arms and move slowly off the stage whilst the band starts +up MENDELSSOHN'S or GLÜCKSTEIN'S "Wedding March." The effect on an +orchestra is immediate and immense. Somewhere behind each of these +stiff shirt-fronts beats a heart that thrills at every suggestion of +romance. It is well known that, when at intervals during a performance +they retire through the man-hole under the stage, it is to imbibe +another chapter of ETHEL M. DELL or of "Harried Hannah, the Bloomsbury +Bride." And so the lingering embrace of the lovers sets them tingling +and they tackle the "Wedding March" at the double. The clarionet +(or clarinet) wipes the tears from his eyes and puts a sob in his +rendering; the cornet unswallows his mouthpiece and, getting his +under-jaw well jutted out, decides to put a jerk in it; the piccolo +pickles with furious enthusiasm; the 'cello puts his instrument in +top-gear with his left hand and saws away violently with the other; +the triangle, who has fallen perhaps into a Euclidian dream, sits +up and gets a move on; the stevedore--no, no, that is the next +chapter--the oboe, the French horn, the kettledrum, the euphonium, the +proscenium, the timbrel, the hautboy, the sackbut-and-ashes--all get a +grip of the ground with both feet and let her go. + +They try to depict golden lands of radiant sunshine, where beautiful +couples stroll hand-in-hand for ever and the voice of the turtle +replaces that of the raucous vendor of the racing edition. + +If they were allowed to have their way the effect on the unmarried +portion of the audience would be to send them rushing out of the +theatres and dragging registrars out of a sick-bed in order to perform +the marriage ceremony there and then. + +But the trombone introduces the hard practical note, the necessary +corrective. His monotonous grunt is used to remind the audience of +marriage as it is lived in real life, of the girl at breakfast in +unmarcelled hair, of the man dropping cigarette-ash on the best +carpet, of double income-tax, of her family, of his, of her bills for +frocks, of his wandering off to golf or the club, and a host of other +incidentals. + +A reaction takes place among the audience. Men who had been a moment +before estimating the price of a diamond-ring turn their thoughts to +two-stroke motor-bicycles, and girls decide that love in a cottage is +an overrated pastime--especially when you can't get the cottage--and +decide to wait a few years till a house or two has been built. + +That is the chief function of the trombone--to pursue those who are +wandering in the clouds and bring them to earth with a crash. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Press Photographer_ (_to perfect stranger while +arranging group on departure of popular personage_). "HOLD YOUR HAT UP +AND CHEER."] + + * * * * * + + =The Triumphs of Art.= + + "WOMAN SCULPTOR IN THE KREMLIN. + BOLSHEVIST BUSTS." + + _"Times" headlines._ + + * * * * * + + "Rhodes bowled Ryder for a duck, and off his very next ball he got + Moyes smartly stumped by Dolphin at point." + + _Irish Paper._ + +DOLPHIN must have acquired "the long arm of coincidence." + + * * * * * + + "LETTS CLASH WITH POLES." + + _Japan Gazette._ + +No, don't let's. + + * * * * * + + "Autumn made a lightning spring into winter yesterday."--_Daily + Paper._ + +England's seasons seem to be getting hopelessly intermingled. + + * * * * * + + "---- Htl.--S. asp. Magnificently equipped."--_Daily Paper._ + +Patronized by the late QUEEN CLEOPATRA. + + * * * * * + + "TO LET, Furnished Bedroom, beard optional, terms + moderate."--_Local Paper._ + +Would suit almost any young shaver. + + * * * * * + + "A telephone call office has been opened at Mumps Post + Office."--_Official notice._ + +SUBSCRIBER.--Can you give me Mumps? + +OPERATOR.--No, but I have got a bad cold if that is any use to you. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: "WELL, AND WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AGAIN?" + +"FORCE OF 'ABIT."] + + * * * * * + +MY WEATHER-GUIDE. + +I was admiring Cripstock's barometer. + +"Take it," he said. + +"My dear Cripstock!" I exclaimed, as I pulled it from the wall. + +"My dear fellow!" he replied, in tones more of gratitude than of +generosity. + +I have fastened it in my hall at the regulation distance from the +hat-rack and between the assegais. It will be nice company for the +dinner-gong, which it faces. I purposely did not place them side by +side, for fear of any error in tapping. + +These delicate contrivances do not readily settle down in a new +home, and for a week I ignored the barometer. This may have seemed +unfriendly to a newcomer, yet surely it was kind not to observe any +faults it might display during its novitiate. When on the Saturday +morning I scrutinised it for the first time I saw it pointed to +"Stormy." I hastened over breakfast in order to get into the garden in +time to fix up the starboard fence. After working feverishly for three +hours, glancing at the sky at frequent intervals, I heard the "All +clear" signalled from a back window, the needle having swung round to +"Set Fair." + +There it remained for several days, a marvel of accuracy. My poor +umbrella began to wear a look of neglect, but my walking-stick was +jubilant. "Set Fair" it was again on the Friday, and again I set out +with my happy malacca. + +On my return wet through I had another proof of the excellence of my +faithful aneroid. Its needle pointed imperatively to "Change." This, +in fact, I had already decided to do, but to a less careful man the +instruction must have been of inestimable advantage. + + * * * * * + +OUR "PROMISED" LAND. + +(_An "explanation" of another of the PREMIER'S election "promises."_) + + My emotion I well can remember + O'er a "promise" that somewhere I'd seen + One night, away back in December + Anno Domini 1918. + Happy tears in my orbs began wellin' + As I read how the England-to-be + Would become a fit messuage to dwell in + For heroes like me. + + Refreshed by an access of ardour + I returned to my business in town; + But, as life seemed each day to grow harder, + I despaired of its joy and its crown; + Till, fed up with a "tale" for poor Tommies, + My temper I finally lost, + And pronounced that oracular "promise" + A palpable frost. + + But I've tumbled at last to my error; + For, although I am far from content, + I know that this era of terror + Is just what the Government meant; + When through England so bell-like and clear rose + That eager, that passionate vow; + Since none but a race of real heroes + Can live in it now. + + * * * * * + + =Commercial Candour.= + + "SITUATIONS WANTED. Housemaid, unscrupulously clean." + + _Melbourne Argus._ + + * * * * * + + "Mr. Arthur Henderson, M.P., has added 2-1/2 stones to his stature + since he left the nursing home in Leeds."--_Daily Mail._ + +And three cubits to his weight. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: MORE HINTS TO SOCIAL CLIMBERS: HOW TO ATTRACT NOTICE.] + + * * * * * + +THE BROWN LADY. + + +We were talking of the sex, the dark and the fair, and "Give me," he +said, "a brunette every time. But how seldom one meets them now!" + +I expressed surprise at this. + +"Yes," he said, "it is so. Plenty of women with dark hair, but not +dark skins. The true brunette is very rare." + +"I know one," I said; "probably the most perfect brunette in London." + +"Young?" he asked. + +"Yes," I said. + +"Could I--would you take me to see her?" he asked. + +"Certainly," I said. + +"When?" he asked. + +"Now," I said; "this afternoon. But we must hurry. Her servants have +orders not to let anyone in after four." + +"You're sure she won't mind?" he asked. + +"Absolutely," I said. "My friends are hers. I've introduced lots of +people to her and she's delighted." + +He smiled blissfully. + +Having obtained a taxi I gave an address in Regent's Park, but +told the driver to stop at a shop on the way "She loves sweets," I +explained. + +"They all do," he replied, with the sententiousness of gallantry, as +though speaking from abysmal depths of knowledge. + +"Yes, but she has a more catholic taste than most," I said. "She's the +only brunette--or, if it comes to that, the only blonde--I ever knew +with a weakness for--well, I'll make you guess." + +"Preserved ginger?" he suggested. + +"No," I said. + +"American pop-corn?" + +"Not that I know," I said. + +"Tell me," he replied. + +"Condensed milk," I said. + +"Good Heavens!" he exclaimed. "Condensed milk? That's the oddest thing +I've ever heard." + +"That's what I'm getting," I said; "and it won't injure your chances +with her if you take her a pot of honey." + +"But I don't know her," he submitted. + +"It doesn't matter," I said; "she's the most unconventional creature +in the world--just a child of nature." + +"Delicious!" he murmured. + +"She's a Canadian, you see," I added. + +"Oh, a Canadian," he replied, as though that explained everything. +"And, by the way, what's her name?" + +"She lets me call her Winnie," I said. + +"And what do I call her?" he asked. + +"Well," I said, "if I were you I'd call her Winnie too. She'd love +it." + +"This is extraordinarily interesting," he replied. "But you know I'm +far too shy to do a thing like that." + +When, however, the time came and we were shown into Winnie's +drawing-room in Mappin Terrace and the most adorable brown bear in +captivity came lumbering towards us, he called her Winnie as naturally +as her keeper does or any of the Canadian soldiers whose mascot she +was, and he held the honey-pot for her until her tongue had extracted +every drop. She then clawed at his pocket for more. + +"I told you she'd like you," I said. + +"Isn't she a pet? And a brunette all right? I didn't deceive you." + +"She's perfect," he said. "Absolutely _the_ Queen of She-Bears." + +And so say all good Zoologicians. + +E. V. L. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: =A GERMAN INVASION.= + +HERR NOAH (_to Frau Noah_). "HERE WE ARE AGAIN--JUST AS IF NOTHING HAD +HAPPENED!"] + + * * * * * + +=ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.= + +_Monday, November 22nd._--Fortunately or unfortunately, according to +one's point of view, this deponent was not a spectator of the fight in +the House of Commons this afternoon, having been himself previously +knocked out by a catarrhal microbe possessing, as the sporting +journals say, "a remarkable punch." He therefore gives the fracas an +honourable miss. + +The Tariff Reformers were horrified to hear from Sir ROBERT HORNE that +nearly four hundred thousand pounds' worth of clocks had been imported +from Germany this year. They were quite under the impression that when +we wound up the Watch on the Rhine clocks were included. + +They were still more surprised to learn that without further +legislation it is impossible for British parents, when purchasing toys +for their children, to be sure that they are not the productions of +our late enemies. It would appear that the famous label, "Made +in Germany," which did so much to advertise the products of the +Fatherland before the War, has now outlived its usefulness; but the +goods are coming along just the same. + +[Illustration: A LECTURE TO THE UPPER SCHOOL. LORD BIRKENHEAD.] + +_Tuesday, November 23rd._--Lord BIRKENHEAD'S complete recovery from +his recent ear-trouble was attested by the ease and mastery of his +speech in moving the Second Reading of the Government of Ireland Bill. +Some men in this situation might have been a little embarrassed by +their past. But Sir EDWARD CARSON'S erstwhile "galloper" neither +forgot nor apologised for his daring feats of horsemanship, and +triumphantly produced a letter from his former chief assuring "my dear +Lord Chancellor" that "Ulster" had come round to the view that "the +best and only solution of the question is to accept the present Bill +and to endeavour to work it loyally." + +For the rest he minimised the temporary partition of Ireland and laid +stress on the ultimate union to be effected by the Council of Ireland; +magnified the financial advantages--seven millions is the sum he +reckons Southern Ireland will ultimately have to play with--and hinted +that they might be further stretched "if peace were offered to us by +any body which was qualified to speak for Irish opinion." + +For a time little encouragement came from the Irish Peers. Lord +DUNRAVEN moved the rejection of the Bill, on the ground that there +could never be permanent peace in Ireland until moderate opinion was +behind the law, and that moderate opinion would not be satisfied +without full financial control. Lord WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE spoke as an +unrepentant Unionist, and Lord CLANWILLIAM bluntly declared that the +Irish were one of those peoples who were unfit to govern themselves +and who had got to be governed. + +[Illustration: "The balance step without advancing." LORD HALDANE.] + +The Duke of ABERCORN, as an Ulsterman, supported the Bill, and Lord +HALDANE gave an elegant exhibition of the military exercise known as +"the balance step without advancing." It was not the Bill he +would have drafted, and the Government must pass it on their own +responsibility. Still he thought it should be given a chance. + +In the Commons Sir ARCHIBALD WILLIAMSON gave an account of the +remarkable transmigrations of the Egyptian G.H.Q., which within a few +weeks was located at the Savoy Hotel, the Abbassiah Barracks and the +Eden Hotel. "Each move was made from motives of economy." Sir ALFRED +MOND is understood to be most anxious to know how this game is played. +He can manage the first moves all right, but never achieves a winning +position. + +_Wednesday, November 24th._--Those who were fortunate enough to hear +Viscount GREY'S speech on the Government of Ireland Bill speak of +it as on a par with that which he delivered as the spokesman of the +nation on August 3rd, 1914. To me it did not appear quite so plain and +coherent; but who can be plain and coherent about the Irish Question? +Lord GREY thinks, for example, that if the Government made a more +liberal offer to Nationalist Ireland the pressure of moderate opinion +would put an end to murders and outrages. But how would that moderate +opinion be able to overcome the terrorism of the secret societies, +which, as Lord BRYCE told the Peers, have dogged every Irish patriotic +movement since the eighteenth century and which will admit no +compromise with the hated invader? + +The debate was neatly summarised by Lord RIBBLESDALE, who said, "We +are all Home Rulers, but each of us thinks the other fellow's brand is +wrong." + +The state of Ireland was at that moment being debated in the Commons, +when Mr. ASQUITH found himself saddled with the introduction of a +motion which, while nominally blaming the Irish Executive, really +accused the soldiers and police of attacking the lives and property of +innocent people. The awkwardness of the situation was reflected in the +terms of his indictment. At one moment the charge was that houses and +creameries were destroyed "without discrimination" between innocent +and guilty; at the next the House was asked to note "overwhelming +evidence of organisation." His only suggestion for a remedy was that +we should get into touch with "the real opinion of the great bulk of +the Irish people," but he did not indicate how it was to be done or +what the opinion would be when you got to it. + +Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD is quite clear that you won't get to it until you +have crushed the murder-gang which is terrorising the great mass of +the Southern Irish people, not excluding "the intellectual leaders of +Sinn Fein." + +Colonel JOHN WARD cleverly remodelled the resolution into a vote of +thanks to the servants of the Crown in Ireland for their courage and +devotion, and this was eventually adopted by 303 votes to 83. + +_Thursday, November 25th._--For the first time in its history the +House of Lords gave a Second Reading to a Home Rule Bill for Ireland. +Up to the very last the issue was in doubt, for Lord MIDLETON'S motion +that the debate should be adjourned for a fortnight, in order that +a more generous financial scheme might be produced, attracted two +classes of Peers--those who are resigned to Home Rule, but want a +better brand, and those who won't have it at any price or in any +shape. + +On the steps of the Throne sat the PRIME MINISTER, whose humility in +going no higher will doubtless receive favourable comment in Welsh +pulpits. He was accompanied--I will not say shepherded--by Sir HAMAR +GREENWOOD and Sir EDWARD CARSON. What signals, if any, passed between +this triumvirate and the Woolsack I cannot say, but the fact remains +that, after a brief chat with the LORD CHANCELLOR, Lord CURZON came +down heavily against the motion. An adjournment would be useless +unless it produced peace. But could Lord MIDLETON guarantee that even +the most complete fiscal autonomy would satisfy Sinn Fein? If later +on, when the Irish Parliaments were in operation, a demand came from a +united Ireland, the Government would give it friendly consideration. +Lord MIDLETON'S motion having been rejected by eighty-six votes, and +Lord DUNRAVEN'S by ninety, the Second Reading was agreed to without a +division. + +[Illustration: _Lord Curzon._ "Lord WILLOUGHBY DE BROKE still remained +a magnificent relic of the Old Guard."] + +In the Commons a final attempt to defeat the Agricultural Bill was +made by the Farmers' Party. Mr. COURTHOPE declared that the Bill +would produce only doubt and uncertainty, whereas the farmer needed +confidence, a plant of slow growth (as we know on the authority of +another statesman), which would not flourish under bureaucratic +supervision. Sir F. BANBURY said the measure must end in +nationalisation, and he would prefer nationalisation--_cum_ proper +compensation, of course--straight away. The surprising statement by +a Labour Member, that the farmers had subsidised the nation to the +extent of forty millions a year by selling at less than world-prices, +may have helped to placate their champions, who had not quite realised +what generous fellows they were, for only a dozen stalwarts carried +their protest into the Division Lobby. + + * * * * * + + "Learn to be independent of domestics. In four months I undertake + to train any young girl of good family, and willing to learn, as a + thoroughly competent and economical Plain Cook. Live in as one of + family. Three maids kept. Mrs. ----."--_Church Times._ + +The advertiser seems to fight shy of her own medicine. + + * * * * * + +IMPROVING "HANSARD." + +If _Hansard_ would only introduce a little brightness into its bald +and unconvincing narrative of Parliamentary procedure it would provide +reading-matter which would grip the heart and stir the emotions, +winning many new readers from the students of fiction and other light +literature. _Hansard_ will otherwise never find it worth while to +organise sand-castle competitions for the little ones about its +certified net sales. + +It suffers under the disadvantage of having no sporting expert, no +front-rank descriptive writer and no specialist in the humanities +(sometimes known as a sob-artist) on its staff. That is why it reports +a soul-stirring incident in the following terms?-- + +"Mr. X. struck out, and unintentionally hit an hon. member (Mr. Y.), +who was sitting in close proximity. Grave disorder having thus arisen, +Mr. Speaker rose and ordered the suspension of the sitting under +Standing Order No. 21." + +How differently the thing might have been done if put into competent +hands. Would not something like the following (though far short +of perfection, we admit) have been more acceptable to the general +reader?-- + +Mr. X's erstwhile florid face paled. An ugly look invaded his features +of normally classic beauty. Flinging off his braided morning-coat he +flew at his opponent. Parrying with his right he brought his left well +home with a middle-and-off jab, tapping the claret--a pretty blow, +whose only defect was that it struck the wrong face. + +Other honourable Members hastened to join the _mêlée_. Pince-nez flew +in every direction, toupées were disarranged, dental plates shook to +their very foundations. The opposition pack worked well, displaying +brilliant footwork, tackling low and dodging neatly the dangerous +cross-kicks of their opponents. The heel-work, while above the +average, was too often below the belt. + +Meanwhile the only lady Member present sat pale and bright-eyed, a +silent spectator. Her mind, working rapidly, sensed an impending +catastrophe. What could she do to emphasise the woman's point of view? +At the sight of blood she nerved herself with a supreme effort to +remain in her place. Then, springing to action, she tore her dainty +handkerchief into strips with which to provide the bandages which it +seemed would inevitably be needed. + +At last silence reigned. The collar-studs were collected from the +floor of the House and the few remaining Members breathlessly awaited +the resumption of the sitting. + +As the hon. Member apologised every throat was dry, but most of the +eyes were moist. The gracious acceptance of the apology moved strong +men to weep aloud until called to order. And there, in the background, +sat she whose woman's wit had shown the better way. + + * * * * * + +=Commercial Menace.= + + "Taxis for Hire. Boats and Trains met. Picnic and Wedding Parties + promptly attended to and executed with reliability." + + * * * * * + + "There were only 67 persons enjoying annual incomes of £200,000 + or over in 1918, upon whom a tax of about £28,000,000 was + levied."--_Daily Paper._ + +What are we coming to! + + * * * * * + +"THE GARDEN. + + VIOLINS.--For sale, several second-hand Violins."--_Local Paper._ + +They should harmonize well with the violas in the next bed. + + * * * * * + + "Mr. ---- (the bride's brother) was at the organ, and played the + 'Bridle March' (Lohengrin)."--_Local Paper._ + +While the happy pair were on their way to the halter. + + * * * * * + + "An advertisement in a morning paper for 20 laborers to do store + work resulted in 400 applicants assembling in front of the + Petersham P.O., where the advertiser had promised to meet them. + To their intense disgust he failed to materialise. The general + opinion is that the advertisement was a hoar." + + _Australian Paper._ + +A frost anyway. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: =THE USES OF GESTURE.= + +A sixpenny-bit--plain. + +One penny--with aplomb.] + + * * * * * + + +"G.B.R.L." + + +G.B.R.L.'s are an old-established convention in my family. Joan and +Pauline ("Porgie" _libentius audit_) are exceptional authorities on +the animal world in general; exceptional, at any rate, for their +years, which respectively total four-spot-six and two-spot-five. They +confound their parents daily with questions relating to the habits of +marmots or the language of kiwis. But they never talk about +"lions," _tout court_. A lion is, _ex-officio_ and _ipso facto_, a +Great-Big-Roarin'-Lion--always has been: in short, a G.B.R.L. + +It reminds me of a man I know who was made a G.B.E.; but that's +another story, and Joan wouldn't see the joke of it anyhow, though I +know she would smile politely. + +But in this matter of lions, from which I am tending to digress, the +old G.B.R. convention has just been weighed in the balance and found +wanting. It came about in this wise. Joan's and Porgie's Uncle Barney +(his nose is _retroussé_, if anything, only he had the misfortune to +be born on St. Barnabas' Day) departed the other day for Afric's sunny +shores--for Algiers, in fact--to nurse a tedious trench legacy. This, +of course, was a matter of great concern to his nieces, in whose eyes +he is distinctly _persona grata_, owing to his command of persiflage +and taste in confectionery. + +I went into the nursery on the fateful morning to break the sad news. +My daughters were at breakfast and I was just in time to hear Joan's +grace, "Thank God for our b'ekfas'--and _do_ make us good." The +extremely sanctimonious tone in which this was delivered, combined +with the melodramatic scowl which marred the usual serenity of +Porgie's countenance, convinced me that the morning had commenced +inauspiciously and that it would be well to gild the pill which I had +to administer. + +"Hallo, stout women," I said cheerfully. Joan looked politely bored +but made no reply. + +"Not 'tout wimmin," said Porgie heavily and uncompromisingly. +Obviously it was too early in the day for any of that sparkling +back-chat for which my daughters are so justly famed. So I got down to +hard tacks at once. + +"Your Uncle Barney," I said, "is going to Algiers to-day." + +I explained that Algiers was in Africa, where the black men come from. +Joan was mildly intrigued. She opined that her Uncle Barney would +follow the local customs (as she understood them) and wear no clothes. +I said I doubted if his medical adviser would approve of his +carrying international courtesy to such an extreme. Joan was frankly +disappointed. So I tried again. + +"I expect he'll see some lions in Africa," I suggested. + +Joan's interest revived. "Great-big-roarin'-lions," she corrected me. +Porgie expressed herself, as usual, in precisely similar terms. + +"Yes," I said feelingly, "great big roarers. I expect they'll eat him +up quite soon." + +Joan looked deeply concerned at this callous prediction, and the +corners of Porgie's mouth drooped ominously. + +"I don't like roarin' lions," said Joan. + +"Don't nike roarin' nions," said Porgie. + +"Are they in cages?" suggested Joan hopefully. This was an excellent +idea. + +"Of course they are," I said with great heartiness. + +Joan was not satisfied. "Will they roar when they see Uncle Barney?" +she inquired. + +This gave me my chance most unexpectedly. "I should just think they +will," I said. "If they see him dressed like your black men, they'll +roar till the tears pour down their cheeks." + +"I 'spect they'd be laughing at him," said Joan, gracefully helping me +out. + +"I 'spect so," I replied. + +"_I_ see," said Joan comfortably. + +"_I_ see," said Porgie. + + * * * * * + +So G.B.R.L. has come to have a new and a more genial significance, +thanks to Uncle Barney. + + * * * * * + + "Vacant Possession, through sickness.--Capital Chop, with good + living accommodation, in best business position."--_Daily Paper._ + +Purchaser will acquire a steak in the country. + + * * * * * +[Illustration: =ANOTHER CHILD ACTRESS.= + +_Mrs. Bluff_ (_a popular pauper_). "NOW, FANNY, WHAT'LL YER SAY WHEN I +TAKES YER INTO THE KIND LADY'S DRORIN'-ROOM?" + +_Fanny_ (_thoroughly proficient_). "OH, THAT'S AN EASY ONE. I'LL PUT +ON A BEWTIFUL LORST LOOK AN' SAY, 'MUVVER, THIS IS 'EAVEN!'"] + + * * * * * + + +=Mr. Punch's Misquotations.= + +Of a prima donna who sang in a private drawing-room: "At a party she +gave what was meant for mankind." (GOLDSMITH). + + * * * * * + + "FAR-FETCHED HERRING. + + "The steam drifter Bruces landed at Buckie to-day the + furthest-fetched catch of herrings on record. The herrings were + caught on the Yarmouth grounds, over 4000 miles distant." + + _Scotch Paper._ + +The last detail seems as far-fetched as the fish. + + * * * * * + + "Lost, in Paragon Street or Station, Black Dog with purse, money, + eyeglass and papers; name and address inside.--Reward returning + same."--_Daily Paper._ + +But suppose the finder is an anti-vivisectionist? + + * * * * * + + There was a young lady named Janet, + Who committed high treason in Thanet; + She dressed up her cat + In a _D**ly M**l_ hat, + And was promptly fired out of this planet. + + * * * * * + + + +ONE TOUCH OF DICKENS. + + +Knowing that there was everything in my appearance to command respect, +I went into the manager's room with confidence. Lean and brown and +middle-aged, in a tweed coat and grey flannel trousers, which, though +not new, were well cut, I felt that I looked like one accustomed to +put in and take out sums from banks. There was no trying for effect, +no effort, no tie-pin. The stick I carried was a plain ash. The pipe, +which I removed from my mouth, had no silver mounting. Ah, but it +showed the tiny mother-of-pearl star which stamped it as a Bungknoll. +There was going to be no difficulty here. + +"Good morning," I said. "I regret to trouble a busy man over a small +matter, but I wish to cash a cheque for ten pounds." + +He was a quiet, capable-looking man with a rather tired expression. + +"The cashing of cheques," he said, laying down his pipe, "is one item +of our duties." + +"Unfortunately," I continued, "I have run short of money. I bought a +rather good print in a shop down the road and it has left me without +any. I can give a cheque on Bilson's, but the banks in town close +to-morrow and it would mean waiting three days, so I hope that you +will be able to--" + +"You can bring someone to identify you, of course?" he said, reaching +for a bell. + +"I am sorry to say that I am unknown here. I am all right at the +hotel, but I don't like to ask the people for money. I have brought +only a small bag, and what with the races and so forth I might expose +myself to a disagreeable refusal." + +"Yes," he said, "you might. But I'm afraid I can't cash a cheque for +you without an identification. I'll send it for collection if you +like." + +"But that means waiting for days, and I haven't a shilling left. +I came here for a week to look at the country about your town--a +beautiful little town." I added this diplomatically. + +"Do you think so? I consider it a hole. But I don't know much about +it as I'm only here for a week. However, I'm sorry I can't help you +except in the way I mentioned." + +"But look here--do I look like the kind of man who plays tricks? Here +is my card and my club address. And letters"--I tore one out of an +envelope, but it was the one from Mosbyson's reminding me that they +had already applied twice for payment--"but letters are of little use +to identify one." + +"They are," he agreed. + +"The fact is, among other things, I want to buy another print which I +have just caught sight of. It may be snapped up at any moment, like +the one I snapped up yesterday." + +"Let it go. It's probably a fake." + +"Which one?" I said hotly. "The one I bought yesterday or the one I'm +going to buy?" + +"Both. But I can't cash your cheque." + +"But look at the mess I'll be in. Would you have me pawn my watch?" + +"I would not; neither would I have you not do so, if you take my +meaning." + +"I see," I said bitterly. "In plain words you are indifferent to my +fate." + +He smiled slightly and reached for a match to re-light his pipe. + +My blood was up. I would not be defied by this man; at least, not +completely. "Very well," I said coldly, "I will leave my cheque for +ten pounds with you and take only a couple on account." + +"I couldn't do that either." + +"Well, a pound will have to do then." + +"No." + +"Then," I said in despair, "we come to the ridiculously small amount +of eighteenpence. Ha, ha!" + +"And that," he answered, "would be equally objectionable." + +I started. "Come," I said, "you are human after all. You can quote at +random from DICKENS. You read him?" + +"I do. When not engaged in business pursuits." He looked anxiously at +the clock. + +"Who was _Mrs. Chickenstalker_?" I asked sternly. + +"She kept a shop. In _The Haunted Man_." + +"Whom did _Mr. Wopsle_ marry?" + +"Nobody. But hadn't you better see about your watch?" + +"Not yet. How many glasses of punch did _Mr. Pickwick_ drink on One +Tree Hill?" + +"Depends on how you count them. I make it eight." + +"Correct. Look here--have you thought about the bagman's story--the +first one? He says it is eighty years since the events he relates took +place, and that would carry it back to 1747. And yet the traveller +damns his straps and whiskers. Why, if he'd worn strapped trousers and +whiskers in those days he'd have had a mob after him." + +"Yes, and he wouldn't have been driving a gig on Marlborough downs. +He'd have been riding with pistols in his holsters, wrapped in a +horseman's cloak and wearing a plain bobwig. I've thought of that +too." + +"I see you have. But there's another--" + +"Let me. Can you account for this? _Martin Chuzzlewit_ left _Mr. +Pecksniff's_ house in the late autumn--say the last of November to +be on the safe side. He stays five weeks in London and then goes +to America--say another five weeks. Then, after a week in _Major +Pawkins_' boarding-house, he goes to a place which is identified as +the original site of Cairo, Illinois--say another week. This would +land him there at the end of February, when everything is frozen +stiff. But they travelled down the river in a heat that blistered +everything it touched." + +"No," I said jealously, "I have not thought of that. Wonderful, isn't +it, how one likes to catch DICKENS in a mistake? Like having a joke on +a good old friend." + +"Exactly," he said ardently, "I wish I had more time--" + +"If you're free this evening come and dine with me at the 'Bull.' At +about eight, if you can." + +"I'd like to very much. Thanks. I'll come." + +"I've thought of two more," I said; "but I'll go now, as you must be +busy, so good-bye for the present. A bit before eight." + +"I'll be there. I am rather busy just now. Good morning." He rang the +bell. "Oh, Mr. Jounce," he said to the underling who appeared, "will +you please cash this gentleman's cheque?" + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _Lady (to applicant for situation as cook)._ "HAVE YOU +BEEN ACCUSTOMED TO HAVE A KITCHEN-MAID UNDER YOU?" + +_Cook._ "IN THESE DAYS WE NEVER SPEAK OF HAVING PEOPLE 'UNDER US.' BUT +I HAVE HAD COLLEAGUES."] + + * * * * * + + +=AN UNLIKELY STORY.= + +I am hoping very much that this story will, as Agony Column +advertisements put it, meet the eye of a certain Professor at a +certain Academy of Music. Of course I might tell it to him myself, +as he happens to be my Professor, at least from 7 to 7.45 on Friday +evenings; but it is a story which involves a great deal of explanation +and, well--things on the whole get believed better in print. + +To be quite frank I did begin telling him at the time, but I saw that +the first two words had destroyed his faith in the rest of it. I don't +really blame him, for it began with "my cleaner," and I don't suppose +that he has the ghost of an idea that, if you teach cooking, as I do, +under the London County Council, they kindly keep a charlady to wash +up for you and so on, and they call her a "cleaner." + +The Professor is a very bad listener. I might have managed to explain +to him what a cleaner is, but I never could have made him see why she +was having tea with me, so I gave it up. + +Really it is so simple. She lives at Cambridge Heath; I live at +Croydon, which doesn't sound as countrified but is really so much +nicer that no Croydon people who knew Cambridge Heathers could help +asking them to tea at least once a year, when the garden was at its +best. My cleaner's visit is always very delightful, because she +makes the garden seem at least four times its usual size by sheer +admiration; but this year, just as she was getting into her stride, it +began to rain, and we had to seek refuge by the piano. + +We sang "Where the Bee Sucks" and "Annie Laurie" very successfully, +and she at last unthawed to the extent of remarking that she would +give us a "chune," though she "hadn't stood up" to sing by herself +"for donkey's ears." Stipulating that someone should help her out if +the need arose, she investigated the inside of the piano-stool where +the music lives, looking for a suitable song, and made, to her horror, +the discovery that among all the odd pages it contained there was not +one that had ever adhered to a piece called "The Maxeema," nor yet to +a song which asks how someone is "Goin' to keep 'em down on the farm +now they've seen gay Paree?" + +The painful incident was passed over at the time, "The Long Trail" +being discovered at the bottom of the pile and satisfactorily +negotiated, and I forgot all about it until the next Friday evening, +when, just as I was about to shake the dust of Cambridge Heath off my +shoes, my cleaner, rising from her scrubbing, wiped her hands on her +apron, produced two large limp sheets of white paper which resolved +themselves into the music I ought to have had and hadn't, and pressed +them upon me with all the eagerness of a more than cheerful giver. + +A kind of panic seized me, for on Friday evenings I make the Academy +of Music as it were a half-way house on my way home. Under the +cleaner's kind and beaming glance there was nothing to do but put them +into the attaché case in which I carry my music and try to believe +that, wonderful man as he is, even my Professor wouldn't be able to +see inside it when it was shut, in fact that it only rested with me to +be quite sure that in his presence I only took out Chopin and not the +gentleman who was interested in farming. + +And I managed nicely. I took out the "Nocturnes" and shut the case +up again before the cleverest (and nicest) of Professors could have +guessed the company they were keeping, and he was graciously pleased +to nod, instead of shaking his head, for most of the three-quarters of +an hour. He really must have been pleased with me, for at 7.45 he told +me that I showed marked improvement, and then kept me till 7.49 while +he explained that a _flair_ for the best of music such as I exhibited +was both uncommon and, from a Professor's point of view, exceeding +enjoyable. At 7.50--he, benign, I blushful--we approached the +attaché-case. + +"Allow me," said my Professor, reaching for it to replace Chopin; but +I snatched it up before he could get it. Like most truly great men he +is a little absent-minded, and he didn't seem to notice anything, but +just held out his hand in farewell. But when my Professor shakes +hands it means more than that; it means benediction, recognition, +salutation--lots of things; for it is rumoured at the Academy that he +never bestows that honour on any save those whom he regards as kindred +spirits, acolytes at the altar of Music, personalities, not pupils. + +And then my attaché-case opened itself quietly, after the manner of +attaché-cases, and laid "'Ow're you goin' to keep 'em?" and "The +Maxeema" right side up, and their names in such large print too, like +an offering at his wonderful feet. Trembling at the knees I said:-- + +"My cleaner gave them to me." + +But he looked at me and went on looking, and that is why I hope so +very much that he will read this very unlikely story. + + * * * * * + +MORE PAY FOR M.P.'S. + +(_A perfectly horrible prospect._) + + If I were a Member of Parliament[A] + On a most inadequate stipend, + Up in an attic and worn and spent + And wondering how to pay my rent, + And sucking an old clay pipe end, + + I'd write to BONAR and Mr. GEORGE, + Or the party Whips that ran 'em, + "Unless you want me to steal or forge + You must make those Treasury blokes disgorge + A thousand at least per annum. + + "Put it at that and make it free + From AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN'S taxes, + For the glory withers that used to be + The sole reward of a stout M.P. + As the cost of everything waxes. + + "What-not and Coalitionist + Equally crave the shilling + For a pot of beer or an ounce of twist + As they trudge to their homes through the mire and mist + From the long day's lobby-filling. + + "Radical joins Conservative + In a concord wholly hearty, + Wanting to know if the State will give + An adequate wage upon which to live, + And so does the National Party. + + "And the boots of the Labour Members creak + And a terrible ghastly pallor is + On the Wee Free face as it tries to speak; + But ah! what a change to each sunken cheek + If you put a bit more on our salaries! + + "Shibboleths old to the wind we'd fling + And turn to the task that presses; + Sound reforms would go with a swing + And we might have a chance of lengthening + Those fearfully short recesses. + + "There'd be the chance to show your tact + In welding the hostile sections; + Sworn and sealed in a mighty pact + We'd put on the books the world's best Act + Abolishing all elections." + + EVOE. + +[Footnote A: This beautiful opening line is not original. It is +borrowed, with due acknowledgments, from a once famous music-hall +song.] + + * * * * * + +From an article on "History without Tears":-- + + "There is no book that gives one a more comprehensive idea of the + character of the Byzantine Empire, of the reasons for its decline + and its disappearance, than Scott's 'Count Robert of Sicily.'" + +Except perhaps Wrongfellow's "King Robert of Paris." + + * * * * * +[Illustration: _Sportsman (who has mounted boy for his first hunt in +Ireland_). "WELL, HOW DID YOU GET ON?" + +_Boy._ "FIRST-RATE, THANK YOU. I'LL GO IN A HARD HAT NEXT TIME, +THOUGH. A FELLOW CAME UP TO ME AT THE MEET AND SAID, 'CAP, +HALF-A-CROWN, PLEASE.'"] + + * * * * * + + +=OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.= + +(_By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks._) + +A new novel by ANTHONY HOPE certainly deserves in these days to +be considered a literary event of some importance. His _Lucinda_ +(HUTCHINSON) seems to me both in plot and treatment equal to the best +of his work; as dignified and yet as lightly handled as anything +he has given us in the past. The plot (which I must not betray) is +excellent. From the moment when _Julius_, the narrator, making his +leisurely way to the wedding of _Lucinda_, is passed by her alone in a +taxicab going in an opposite direction, the interest of the intrigue +never slackens. Into an epoch of rather "over-ripe" and messy fiction +this essentially clean and well-ordered tale comes with an effect very +refreshing and tonic. ANTHONY HOPE'S characters as ever are vigorously +alive; in _Lucinda_ herself he has drawn a heroine as charming as any +in that long gallery that now stretches between her and the immortal +_Dolly_. In short, those novel-readers who are (shall I say?) +beginning to demand the respect due to middle age will enjoy in these +pages the threefold reward of present interest, retrospection and a +comforting sense that the literary judgment of their generation is +here triumphantly vindicated in the eyes of unbelieving youth. What +could be more pleasant? + + * * * * * + +It is a delight to welcome the _Life of Mrs. R. L. Stevenson_ +(CHATTO AND WINDUS), not only for the exceptional attraction of the +environment in which she lived for many years, but because under any +circumstances she would have been a remarkable woman. Once, when asked +to write her own life, she refused because it seemed to her like "a +dazed rush on a railroad express;" she despaired of recovering "the +incidental memories." So it fell to her sister, Mrs. VAN DE GRIFT +SANCHEZ, to undertake the task. A difficult one, for there was always +the fear that the personality of Mrs. STEVENSON might seem to be +overshadowed by that of her husband. But the author, in giving us many +interesting details about ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON, has been careful +to select for the most part only those in which his wife was closely +concerned. "In my sister's character," she writes, "there were many +strange contradictions, and I think sometimes this was a part of her +attraction, for even after knowing her for years one could always +count on some surprise, some unexpected contrast which went far in +making up her fascinating personality." Contradictions undoubtedly +were to be found in her; thus during her later years Mrs. STEVENSON +intensely desired quietness and peace, and yet her love for change of +scene never seemed to abate; but she was constant in her devotion as a +wife and in her staunchness as a friend. Some excellent illustrations +are included in this volume, and the only fault I have to find with it +is that it lacks an index. + + * * * * * + +In selecting his hero for _No Defence_ (HODDER AND STOUGHTON) from +the mutineers at the Nore, it may be admitted that Sir GILBERT PARKER +displayed a certain originality. With regard, to the _clou_ of his +plot, however, I can hardly say so much. Melodramatic young lovers +have (in fiction) gone to prison and worse rather than employ a +defence involving distress to the ladies of their choice, from ages +untold. _Dyck Calhoon_ did it when he was wrongly indicted for the +killing of _Erris Boyne_, who was a traitor in the pay of France and +incidentally the father of the heroine _Sheila_; though she knew +nothing of this and would have been badly worried if the hazards of a +defended murder case had brought it to light. Do you call the motive +sufficient? No more do I. However, _Dyck_ goes to prison, emerging +just in time to join the fleet and became a successful rebel under the +Naval soviets established by RICHARD PARKER. Subsequently he takes his +ship into action on the legitimate side, earns the quasi-pardon of +exile on parole in Jamaica, finds a fortune of Spanish treasure, +quells a black rising, is cleared of the murder charge (by the wholly +preposterous arrival in the island of the now aged lady who had really +done the deed--exactly like the _finale_ of a GILBERT and Sullivan +opera) and marries the heroine. A breathless plot, by which, however, +my own pulse remained unquickened. To be brutally frank, indeed, the +telling seemed to me wholly lacking in precisely the qualities of dash +and crescendo required to carry off such a tale. Costume romance that +halts and looks backward soon loses my following. + + * * * * * + +[Illustration: _LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI._] + + * * * * * + +Airedales and collies, according to Lieut.-Colonel E. H. RICHARDSON, +are notable for a truly remarkable and admirable characteristic. They +would honestly rather be at work than just playing round. All the +same, no one guessed before the War what they, and many other kinds of +dogs, were able and willing to do for their country in emergency on +guard and sentry duty, and, most of all, as battle-field messengers. +Moreover it took the genius of the man who of all the world knows +most of their mind to discover it. His book, _British War Dogs_ +(SKEFFINGTON), is neither very brilliantly written nor particularly +well arranged (it contains quite a lot of repetitions and a system of +punctuation all its own), but it is of more than average interest. +The author details the training of war-dogs--literally "all done by +kindness"--and records many thrilling exploits and heroisms of his +friends. Further, he states at some length some rather attractive +views on dog metaphysics, of which one need say no more than that, if +you wish to believe that your four-footed pal has a soul to be saved +as well as a body to be patted, here is high authority to support +you. I think what one misses all through these pages is the dog's +own story. Without it one never seems to get quite to grips with the +subject. What were _Major's_ thoughts and feelings, for instance, when +carrying a message twelve miles in an hour over all obstacles, dodging +the shells as he ran? Not even Colonel RICHARDSON can find a way to +get a personal interview out of him. + + * * * * * + +All the Scandinavian countries have in the last twenty-five years +produced novel-writers of power and distinction, but with the single +exception of the Swedish authoress, SELMA LAGERLÖF, whose great novel, +_Gosta Berling_, was awarded the Nobel Prize, and the Norwegian, KNUT +HAMSUN, whose extremely unpleasant book, _Hunger_, was published in +this country a score of years ago, few if any of them have been made +accessible to the average English reader. Now the Gyldendal Publishing +Company of Copenhagen has undertaken the neglected task of producing +English translations of the best Scandinavian fiction, the latest +of which is _Guest the One-Eyed_, by the Icelandic novelist, GUNNAR +GUNNARSSON. It is not a particularly powerful narrative, and is +marked by the characteristic inconsequence that tends to convert the +Scandinavian novel into a mélange of family biographies; yet the +author has been successful in weaving into his chapters some of the +beauty and magic of his native land, lovely and forbidding by turns, +and the charm and simplicity of its people. So when he makes _Ormarr +Orlygsson_ fling away the strenuous work of ten years and a promising +career as a great violinist to return to a pastoral life on his +father's Iceland estates, the step seems neither strange nor +unnatural. So with the perfectly villainous _Sera Ketill_, who at the +culmination of unparalleled infamies suddenly repents and becomes +the far-wandering and well-beloved _Guest_, we do not feel anything +strained in the author's assumption that in Iceland, at any rate, such +things easily happen. _Guest the One-Eyed_ is not a noteworthy novel +in the sense that _Gosta Berling_ was. Yet one would not have missed +reading it. + + * * * * * + +It is interesting to watch heredity at play. Given the inclination to +write, what kind of a first book should we get from the son of one of +the most cultured and sensitive classical scholars and translators of +this or any day and from the grandson of the painter of the Legend of +the Briar Rose? The question is answered by Mr. DENIS MACKAIL'S _What +Next?_ (JOHN MURRAY), which on examination turns out to be a farcical +novel. The story has certain technical weaknesses, but these are +forgotten in the excitements of the chase, for the main theme is the +tracking down of a coarse capitalist who defrauded the hero of +his fortune and did something very low against England. With the +assistance of a new character in fiction, a super-valet, justice +is done and we are all (except the coarse capitalist and his son) +extremely happy. Mr. MACKAIL has invented some excellent scenes and he +carries them off with gaiety and spirit. In his second book (and for +the answer to _What Next?_ we shall not, I imagine, have long to wait) +he will amend certain little faults, not the least of which is a +tendency to give us the most significant events in the form of +retrospective narrative instead of letting us see them as they occur. + + * * * * * + + "Bedroom Suite and a reasonable Piano Wanted."--_Provincial + Paper._ + +It mustn't be "overstrung." + + * * * * * + +END. + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, December 1, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 19105-8.txt or 19105-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/1/0/19105/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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