diff options
| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:54:56 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:54:56 -0700 |
| commit | 2b711cc2f1f12eaea37e1e75c97dd56f983f8d24 (patch) | |
| tree | ea86c38f7ad811b0cd37b3a7c3f6bd79b87724dc /19105-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '19105-h')
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/19105-h.htm | 3828 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/421-600.png | bin | 0 -> 39929 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/421.png | bin | 0 -> 152746 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/423-356.png | bin | 0 -> 29381 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/423.png | bin | 0 -> 655857 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/424-600.png | bin | 0 -> 42639 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/424.png | bin | 0 -> 374244 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/425-332.png | bin | 0 -> 29191 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/425.png | bin | 0 -> 377565 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/427-1-600.png | bin | 0 -> 13700 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/427-2-600.png | bin | 0 -> 13535 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/427-3-600.png | bin | 0 -> 15137 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/427.png | bin | 0 -> 255210 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/428-600.png | bin | 0 -> 42419 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/428.png | bin | 0 -> 153691 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/429-600.png | bin | 0 -> 53579 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/429.png | bin | 0 -> 428671 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/430-600.png | bin | 0 -> 34099 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/430.png | bin | 0 -> 279503 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/431-357.png | bin | 0 -> 28009 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/431.png | bin | 0 -> 543274 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/433-1-250.png | bin | 0 -> 21107 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/433-1.png | bin | 0 -> 72281 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/433-2-250.png | bin | 0 -> 6753 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/433-2.png | bin | 0 -> 35865 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/434-250.png | bin | 0 -> 9783 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/434.png | bin | 0 -> 36932 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/435-1-300.png | bin | 0 -> 10105 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/435-2-300.png | bin | 0 -> 13256 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/435.png | bin | 0 -> 174307 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/436-304.png | bin | 0 -> 21938 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/436.png | bin | 0 -> 321719 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/437-600.png | bin | 0 -> 39380 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/437.png | bin | 0 -> 355541 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/439-600.png | bin | 0 -> 32043 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/439.png | bin | 0 -> 284419 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/440-600.png | bin | 0 -> 36390 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 19105-h/images/440.png | bin | 0 -> 218895 bytes |
38 files changed, 3828 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/19105-h/19105-h.htm b/19105-h/19105-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..ff97c1b --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/19105-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,3828 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Transitional//EN" + "http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-transitional.dtd"> + + <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml"> + <head> + <meta name="generator" content="HTML Tidy, see www.w3.org" /> + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" + content="text/html; charset=ISO-8859-1" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Punch, December 1st, 1920.</title> +<style type="text/css"> + +body { + margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; +} +p { + text-align: justify; +} +p.center { + text-align: center; +} +p.center1 { + text-align: center; + line-height: 40%; +} +p.author { + margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 5%; text-align: right; +} +p.author1 { + margin-top: -1em; margin-right: 25%; text-align: right; +} + +.note { + font-size: 0.8em; + margin-left: 15%; + margin-right: 15%; +} + +p.right { +text-align: right; +} + +p.indent { + text-indent: 1.5em; +} +blockquote { + text-align: justify; +} +h1, h2, h3, h4, h5, h6 { + text-align: center; +} +td { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding-left: 1em; + padding-right: 1em; +} + +td.left { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: left; + padding-left: 1em; + padding-right: 1em; +} + +td.left1 { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: left; + padding: 0; +} + +td.right { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: right; + padding: 0; +} + +td.inset { + font-size: 0.9em; + text-align: center; + padding: 1em; + border: 2px solid black; +} + +td.note { + text-align: left; + font-size: 0.9em; + font-weight: normal; + border: 1px dashed; + padding: 1em; + } + +td.bigbrace { + font-size: 2.5em; + font-weight: normal; + padding: 0; + } + +ul { + margin-left: 8%; + list-style-type: none; + } +ul.left { + margin-left: 7%; + list-style-type: none; + } + +pre { + font-size: 0.7em; +} +hr { + width: 50%; text-align: center; +} +hr.full { + width: 100%; +} +hr.short { + width: 20%; text-align: center; +} + +span.pagenum { + font-size: 8pt; right: 91%; left: 1%; position: absolute; +} +.sc { + font-variant: small-caps; + font-weight: normal; +} + +.sc1 { + font-variant: small-caps; + font-weight: bold; +} + +span.outdent { + text-align: left; + margin-left: -2em; + font-size: 1.0em; + font-weight: normal; +} +span.outdent1 { + text-align: left; + margin-left: -2.5em; + font-size: 1.0em; + font-weight: normal; +} + +.poem { + margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 20%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left; +} +.poem .stanza { + margin: 1em 0em; +} +.poem p { + padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em; +} +.poem p.i2 { + margin-left: 1em; +} +.poem p.i4 { + margin-left: 2em; +} +.poem p.i6 { + margin-left: 3em +} +.poem p.i8 { + margin-left: 4em +} +.poem p.i10 { + margin-left: 5em +} +.poem p.i12 { + margin-left: 6em +} +.poem p.i16 { + margin-left: 8em +} +.poem p.i24 { + margin-left: 12em +} +.poem p.i32 { + margin-left: 16em +} +.poem p.i40 { + margin-left: 20em +} + +.poem1 { + margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 30%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: left; +} +.poem1 .stanza { + margin: 1em 0em; +} +.poem1 p { + padding-left: 3em; margin: 0px; text-indent: -3em; +} +.poem1 p.i2 { + margin-left: 1em; +} +.poem1 p.i4 { + margin-left: 2em; +} +.poem1 p.i6 { + margin-left: 3em +} +.poem1 p.i8 { + margin-left: 4em +} +.poem1 p.i10 { + margin-left: 5em +} +.poem1 p.i12 { + margin-left: 6em +} +.poem1 p.i16 { + margin-left: 8em +} +.poem1 p.i24 { + margin-left: 12em +} +.poem1 p.i32 { + margin-left: 16em +} +.poem1 p.i40 { + margin-left: 20em +} + + +.figure { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figcenter { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figright { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figleft { + padding-right: 1em; padding-left: 1em; font-size: 0.8em; padding-bottom: 1em; margin: 0px; padding-top: 1em; text-align: center; +} +.figure img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figcenter img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figright img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figleft img { + border-top-style: none; border-right-style: none; border-left-style: none; border-bottom-style: none; +} +.figure p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figcenter p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figright p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figleft p { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 1em; +} +.figure p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figcenter p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figright p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figleft p.in { + margin: 0px; text-indent: 8em; +} +.figcenter { + margin: auto; +} +.figright { + float: right; +} +.figleft { + float: left; +} + + a:link { + color: #3300ff; + background: #ffffff; + text-decoration: none; + } + + a:visited { + color: #3300ff; + background: #ffffff; + text-decoration: none; + } + + a:active { + color: #3300ff; + background: #ffffff; + text-decoration: none; + } + + +</style> + +<meta content="mshtml 6.00.2800.1515" name="generator" /></head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, +December 1, 1920, by Various + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, December 1, 1920 + +Author: Various + +Editor: Owen Seaman + +Release Date: August 23, 2006 [EBook #19105] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + + + + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1>PUNCH,<br />OR THE LONDON CHARIVARI.</h1> +<h2>Vol. 159.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> + +<h2>December 1st, 1920.</h2> +<hr class="full" /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page421" id="page421"></a>[pg 421]</span> +<h2>CHARIVARIA.</h2> + +<p><span class="sc">According</span> to <i>The Evening News</i>, +lambs have already put in an appearance +in Dorset. People who expect +the <span class="sc">Poet Laureate</span> to rush to the +spot will be bitterly disappointed.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"What was a golden eagle doing in +Lincolnshire?" asks "L.G.M." in <i>The +Daily Mail</i>. We never answer these +personal questions.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Public Libraries Committee of +West Ham has declined to purchase +<i>The Autobiography of Margot Asquith.</i> +It would just serve them right if the +publisher sent them a copy.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Sir R. <span class="sc">Baden-Powell</span> +recently declared that +men contemplating +matrimony would do +well to notice whether +their prospective brides +gave an inside or an +outside tread. We still +maintain that the safest +course is to remain single +and not be trodden +on either way.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>The report that a +British soldier has recently +discovered a genuine +specimen of a +small war, in which Mr. +<span class="sc">Winston Churchill</span> +had no hand whatever, +is now regarded as untrustworthy.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A Scotsman knocked +down by a car in New +York was given a glass +of water and quickly +regained consciousness. He is now +making inquiries concerning the number +of times one has to be knocked +down in order to get a drop of spirit.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Sea-gulls have been observed near the +Willesden public parks. It is assumed +that they didn't know it was Willesden.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A clothing firm advertises suits to fit +any figure. It is not known what +eventually happened to the man who +asked them to supply him with a suit +for a figure round about thirty shillings.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>An express train recently crashed +through the closed gates of a level-crossing +in Yorkshire. As the driver +did not pull up in order to see what +damage he had done, it is supposed +that he was originally a motorist.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Another walk from London to Brighton +is being organised. It is hoped that +this habit will ultimately bring down +the high cost of travelling.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>The Hammersmith Council, says a +news item, has placed an order for tiles +in Belgium. Another shrewd stroke +at the Sandringham hat.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Trade combinations," declares Sir +<span class="sc">Robert Horne</span>, "are not responsible +for the increased cost of living." We +agree. The struggle for our last shilling +between the dogged-as-does-it +butcher and the grocer who never knows +when he is beaten is <i>à outrance</i>.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Next year is Census year, and people +are kindly requested to be born early +in order to avoid the rush at the last +moment.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A new bathing-suit invented by an +official of the Royal Army Clothing +Department is claimed to make drowning +impossible. It is said to fill a long-felt +want among young kittens.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Should this bathing-suit fail to save +any person from drowning he can call +at the office and have his money back.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>We are asked to deny the rumour +said to be current in Manchester to the +effect that the <span class="sc">Prime Minister</span> was +contemplating publishing a Northern +edition of his New World.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"To be happy, marry a brown-eyed +girl," says <i>The Daily Graphic</i>. A correspondent +writes to say that he invariably +does.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"My lodger," said a complainant at +Clerkenwell Police Court, "threatens +to tear me up into pieces." It was +pointed out to him that this would be +a breach of the law.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>During a duel on the cliffs near +Boulogne one of the combatants deliberately +fired his revolver into the sea, +whereupon the other immediately fired +into the air. There seems to be no end +to the dangers which beset submarine-sailors +and airmen.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>A few days ago an angler at Southend-on-Sea +fished up a silver chain purse +containing four one-pound notes. His +claim that a large leather wallet containing +several fivers and a diamond +ring broke the line and +got away after a terrific +struggle is being received +with the usual +caution.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>The many critics of +the <span class="sc">Postmaster-General</span> +should remember +that telephones are all +right if people would +only let them alone.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Our heart goes out +to the veteran philosopher +who, when caught +climbing apple-trees in +a farmer's orchard, +pleaded that he had +been tampering with a +thyroid gland.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>Five million typhoid +germs, the property of +Mr. <span class="sc">John Gibbon</span>, are +said to be at large in +Philadelphia, according +to <i>The Daily Express</i>. One of them is +said to have got away disguised as a +measle.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>According to <i>The Daily Mail</i> a panic +was recently caused in a Manchester +tea-room by a rat which took refuge in +the leg of a gentleman's trousers. This +may not mean that the need of a new +style of rat-proof trouser has attracted +the interest of Carmelite House publicity +agents, but we have our apprehensions.</p> + + <hr class="short" /> + +<p>"Hard work will kill no one," declares +a literary editor. Most people, +of course, prefer an occupation with a +spice of danger about it.</p> + + <hr /> + + <div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/421.png"><img src="images/421-600.png" width="600" height="435" alt="Muvver, tell me 'ow farver got ter know yer." /></a> +<p><i>Son</i>. "<span class="sc">Muvver, tell me 'ow farver got ter know yer</span>."</p> +<p><i>Mother</i>. "<span class="sc">One dye I fell into the water an' 'e jumped in an' +fished me aht</span>."</p> +<p><i>Son</i> (<i>thoughtfully</i>). "<span class="sc">H'm, thet's funny; 'e won't let me +learn ter swim</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p>"Madame ——, Dressmaker, Milliner, and +Ladies' making paths, tree lifting; planting; +would suit nursery."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i></p> + +<p>But would she do plain sowing?</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page422" id="page422"></a>[pg 422]</span> + + +<h3>THE STANDARD GOLF-BALL</h3>. + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>I do not want a standard ball,</p> + <p class="i2">So many to the pound;</p> + <p class="i4">Whether its girth is trim and svelte</p> + <p class="i4">Or built to take an out-size belt,</p> + <p>I hardly seem to care at all</p> + <p class="i2">So long as it is round.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>But it appears to my poor wit</p> + <p class="i2">That we might well contrive</p> + <p class="i4">A means by which the merest babe</p> + <p class="i4">Would hold his own with <span class="sc">Mitchell</span> (<span class="sc">Abe</span>),</p> + <p>If we could have a standard <i>hit</i></p> + <p class="i2">(Especially the drive).</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>I want a limit made to bar</p> + <p class="i2">The unrestricted whack</p> + <p class="i4">(A hundred yards I think should be</p> + <p class="i4">The length on which we might agree),</p> + <p>And if you pushed the ball too far</p> + <p class="i2">You'd have to bring it back.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>And I should love a standard <i>lie</i>.</p> + <p class="i2">A ball inside a cup</p> + <p class="i4">Or latent under sand or whin</p> + <p class="i4">Hampers my progress toward the pin;</p> + <p>It would improve my game if I</p> + <p class="i2">Could lift and tee it up.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>But most, when tongues of golfers wag,</p> + <p class="i2">Talking their dreadful shop</p> + <p class="i4">Of rotten luck and stymies laid</p> + <p class="i4">And chip-approaches, <span class="sc">Taylor</span>-made—</p> + <p>Oh, then I want a standard <i>gag</i></p> + <p class="i2">To make the blighters stop.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24">O.S.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE LANGUAGE FOR LOGIC.</h3> + +<p>"Very well," I said, "if Jones is laid up I'll go round +myself."</p> + +<p>Our French visitor chuckled quietly and then shrugged +his shoulders by way of apology.</p> + +<p>"Pardon," he murmured with the most disarming politeness, +"but your English language it is so veray funny, and +I 'ave not yet become quite used to it. Is it not that it +lack the accuracy, what you call the logic, of the French?"</p> + +<p>"Indeed," I said, without the least interest.</p> + +<p>But my wife was all enthusiasm. She clapped her hands +in delighted agreement. "M. du Val is quite right, Dickie," +she said. "We are a frightfully illogical lot, aren't we? I +mean, the French are able to say just exactly what they +mean."</p> + +<p>"Your reinforcement, Madame, it completes my victory," +replied the Frenchman with a graceful gesture. "<i>Voyez, +M'sieu'</i>," he added, turning to me, "you 'ave just said zat +your friend is laid <i>up</i>, when the unfortunate truth is zat +he is laid <i>down</i>, and because of zat you will encircle, surround, +make a tour of your person."</p> + +<p>"There, you see," said my wife flatly, "it's all utterly +illogical. Think how logical the French are."</p> + +<p>"Well, let us work it out," I said in hearty agreement. +"As a start I solemnly declare that the French are not +so logical as they don't think."</p> + +<p>"As they <i>don't</i> think?" repeated my wife in surprise.</p> + +<p>"Ah!" I retorted, "you are not so observant as you +might not be. I was merely giving you a little French +idiom, 'logically' and 'accurately done into English.'"</p> + +<p>"Mister," I next asked our ally, "your visit to England, +will she be prolonged?"</p> + +<p>"Who's the lady?" interrupted my wife.</p> + +<p>"M. du Val's visit, of course, dear," I informed her. "You +forget that the French are particularly logical with their +genders."</p> + +<p>"M'sieu'!" murmured the guest, rather puzzled.</p> + +<p>"I asked," I went on for M. du Val's edification, "because +if you stay long enough you may have the pleasure of +meeting the parents of Mistress my wife. They are coming +to the house of us next month. His father is extremely +anxious to see her daughter, whom he has not seen since +his wedding—"</p> + +<p>"Whom in the world are you talking about?" muttered +my wife.</p> + +<p>"Monsieur will readily understand," I said wickedly, +"that I allude to my wife and their parents. I hope they +will bring his brother with them."</p> + +<p>"'Her,' you should say," my wife put in with the suspicion +of a snap. "There's only Johnny and me."</p> + +<p>"It was of Johnny I spoke," I assured her. "And, by +the way, if you haven't heard the latest gossip it may interest +you to hear that the young rascal has formed an +attachment, and is very proud of her <i>fiancée</i>. She is an +awfully pretty girl and quite athletic as well—in fact, his +arm is not nearly so small as Johnny's isn't, and his carriage +is perfect. Their eyes are lovely, while a poet would rave +about his sweet nose, her rosebud mouth and their longs +blacks hairs. Their shoes—"</p> + +<p>"Oh, stop!" cried my wife. "You're muddling me all +up. Are you talking about Johnny or—"</p> + +<p>"Name of a pipe, my cabbage," I said, determined to +give her logic with swear-words and endearments as well, +"where has your reasoning gone to? Any logical Frenchman +would tell you at once that I wasn't talking about +Johnny, but about her girl. As I was saying, their shoes +have each a dinky Gibson bow on her."</p> + +<p>"M'sieu'," reflected M. du Val in his polite way, "I begin +to think zat you are getting ze advantage over me."</p> + +<p>"Don't take any notice of him, Mosseer," pleaded my +wife indignantly; "he's only pulling your leg."</p> + +<p>"Pulling my—?" The Frenchman cogitated for a +minute; then he understood and smiled in a superior way +again. "All the same," he murmured quietly, "we French +'ave not <i>all</i> ze illogicalness, <i>n'est ce pas</i>?"</p> + +<p>"Not quite all," I cheerfully agreed. "By the way, +would you like to come with us this afternoon to the great +Review in Hyde Park? Her Majesty the <span class="sc">King</span> will be +there, also the <span class="sc">Queen</span> and very likely His Royal Highness +Princess <span class="sc">Mary</span>—"</p> + +<p>"I come wiz muchness of pleasure," assented our guest +very hurriedly. Then, being a thorough little sportsman, +he added with a bow:—</p> + +<p>"If M'sieu' could persuade <i>'er</i> wife to wear <i>'is</i> new 'at, +so veray charming?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Another Apology Wanted.</h4> +<blockquote><p> +"AN ATTRACTIVE EVENT AT —— CHAPEL.<br /> +<span class="sc">Lady Absent for First Time for Fifty Years</span>."</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>Provincial Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Dogs frequently go straight to destruction in this way, but an +official of the Royal Society for the Prevention of Animals told an +<i>Evening News</i> representative he did not think they had suicidal +intentions."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Evening News.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>If they had there would be less need for the Society.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Persian Rugs for Sale by gentleman recently returned from Persia; +various designs, old and modern; no dealers; preferably after six +evenings."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>This gentleman seems to have brought back with him the +methods of the Oriental bazaar. Six evenings is about the +average time for adjusting a bargain.</p> + +<hr /> + +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page423" id="page423"></a>[pg 423]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 430px;"> +<a href="images/423.png"><img src="images/423-356.png" width="356" height="450" alt="BALM FOR THE SICK MAN." /></a> + +<h4>BALM FOR THE SICK MAN.</h4> +<p><span class="sc">The Turk</span> (<i>after reading report from Greece</i>). "WELL DID THE +INFIDEL SAY, 'WHEN ROGUES FALL OUT HONEST MEN COME BY THEIR OWN'!"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page424" id="page424"></a>[pg 424]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/424.png"><img src="images/424-600.png" width="600" height="431" alt="I'll send my daughter here. Your ventilation seems good." /></a> +<p><i>Parent (after tour of inspection of Art school).</i> +"<span class="sc">Yes, I think this will do. I'll send my daughter here. Your +ventilation seems good.</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>UNAUTHENTIC IMPRESSIONS</h3>. + +<h4>IV.—<span class="sc">Dr. Addison</span>.</h4> + +<p>The ridiculous tradition of government +by K. C.'s has for some time past +been broken down, and quite a number +of our present Ministers have never +taken silk in their lives, except from +cocoons in a match-box. There is at +least one business man in the Cabinet, +and even the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span>, great +lawyer though he is, is almost equally +renowned as a horseman. "He sits +the Woolsack," a hard-riding Peer has +said of him, "almost as though he were +part of it."</p> + +<p>Of this tendency to break away from +the Bar Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span> is one of the pleasantest +examples. We Englishmen +surely owe as much to our great physicians +as to our great lawyers, and in +some cases indeed the fees are even +higher. After the Demosthenic periods +and Ciceronian verbosity of some of our +previous rulers Dr. <span class="sc">Addison's</span> bright +bedside manner with an ailing or moribund +Bill is a refreshing spectacle. The +shrewd face under the shock of white +hair is too well known to need description. +The small black bag and the slight +bulge in the top-hat, caused by the +stethoscope, are equally familiar. Nor +is there wanting in Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span> that +touch of firmness which is so necessary +to a good practitioner and in his case +comes partly, no doubt, from his Lincolnshire +origin, for he was born in the +county which has already produced such +men as Sir <span class="sc">Isaac Newton</span>, the late +Lord <span class="sc">Tennyson</span>, M. <span class="sc">Worth</span> of Paris, +the present Governor of South Australia +and <span class="sc">Hereward the Wake</span>.</p> + +<p>None but the robustest of officials is +allowed to direct the affairs of the new +Ministry of Health. The patron saint +of its Chief is St. Pancreas and his eupepsia +is reflected in his subordinates. +His junior clerks whistle continuously, +his liftmen yodel, his typists sing. Of his +own official methods I have been privileged +to obtain the report of an eye-witness. +Let us suppose that, as frequently +happens, a deputation of disappointed +house-hunters has arrived to see him.</p> + +<p><i>Leader of Deputation.</i> We want houses +and we won't wait.</p> + +<p><i>Dr. Addison (tapping his forehead and +glancing significantly at his Private Secretary).</i> +Tck, tck! That's very serious. +Shall we feel the pulse?</p> + +<p class="author"> +[<i>Leader of Deputation puts his hand<br /> +out. Private Secretary takes out<br /> +his watch. Sixty seconds elapse.</i> +</p> + +<p><i>Dr. Addison.</i> Do you take much +walking exercise?</p> + +<p><i>Leader of Deputation.</i> No.</p> + +<p><i>Dr. Addison.</i> Ah, I thought as much.</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>"After breakfast walk a mile,</p> +<p>After dinner rest awhile."</p> + </div> + </div> + +<p>What you need is a good sound constitutional +every morning. If you <i>see</i> any +houses, of course there is no objection +to your <i>looking</i> at them. But keep on +walking, mind; don't loiter. And come +back to me in a month's time and we'll +see how you are then.</p> + +<p class="author"> +[<i>Exit Deputation, looking slightly +dazed.</i> +</p> + +<p>Almost equally successful is Dr. <span class="sc">Addison's</span> +professional method in dealing +with representatives of the Building +Trades Unions. A bricklayers' leader, +let us say, has expounded at great length +the technical difficulties which prevent +rapidity of construction.</p> + +<p><i>Dr. Addison</i> (<i>softly and suddenly</i>). +Take a deep breath. (<i>Bricklayer takes</i> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page425" id="page425"></a>[pg 425]</span> +<i>it.</i>) Say ninety-nine! (<i>Bricklayer tries +hard.</i>) Where do you feel the pain?</p> + +<p><i>Bricklayer.</i> In the shoulders and +arms.</p> + +<p><i>Dr. Addison.</i> Tck, tck, we must go +easy. Don't take it too quickly, and +we'll have you right again before the +year's out. Try three bricks a day and +come and see me in a month's time.</p> + +<p>These, however, are not the only +methods by which Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span> has +attempted to remedy the crisis. At his +suggestion a permanent sub-committee +of the Cabinet, called "The Happy +Homes for Heroes' Panel," was appointed, +and it was during one of its +sessions that the bright idea of Housing +Bonds was originated, I believe by +Sir <span class="sc">Alfred Mond</span>. If the campaign +has not met with the success which it +deserves, the cause is probably to be +found in the slightly unfortunate title +whose assonance suggests to the public +mind the "House of Bondage" in the +Psalms. It would have been better, I +think, to adopt Mr. <span class="sc">Austen Chamberlain's</span> +suggestion, which was "The +Cosy Cot Combine."</p> + +<p>However, things are not as bad as +they might seem, and outside one large +suburb the other day I observed a gang +of bricklayers actually in operation, +anxiously hovered over by a clerk from +the Ministry, thermometer in hand.</p> + +<p>I think I have forgotten to mention in +this brief sketch that Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span> has +a frame of iron. Since I have said it +of all the other Cabinet Ministers of +whom I have spoken, I ought certainly +to say it of Dr. <span class="sc">Addison</span> too. Like +Mr. <span class="sc">Lloyd George</span>, like Mr. <span class="sc">Winston +Churchill</span>, like Sir <span class="sc">Eric Geddes</span>, the +<span class="sc">Minister of Health and Housing</span> has +a frame of iron. All that he really +needs is the concrete.</p> + +<p class="author">K.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 340px;"> +<a href="images/425.png"><img src="images/425-332.png" width="332" height="450" alt="Ah! an' they're all tip-top an' pre-war, mind yer." /></a> +<p><i>Wealthy Parvenu</i> (<i>showing acquaintance his house, +"ancestors," etc</i>.). "<span class="sc">Ah! an' they're +all tip-top an' pre-war, mind yer</span>."</p> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h3>ELEGIA MACCHERONICA.</h3> + +<blockquote class="note"><p> +[We print as it reaches us this strange incoherent +ejaculatory effusion, signed "A Lover +of the Old Italian Opera." With the general +spirit of this valediction it is possible to feel a +certain amount of sympathy, but the author +is clearly inaccurate in including amongst the +bygone glories of the institution which he +deplores places, persons, musical and even +culinary features which are by no means +obsolete. We confess also to grave misgiving +as to the purity of the writer's style, which in +some lines seems to smack more of the debased +Anglo-Italian of Soho than the crystal-clarity +of the Tuscan of Carducci.] +</p></blockquote> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>O <span class="sc">tempi</span> passati!—</p> +<p><span class="sc">Pagani</span>, <span class="sc">Frascati</span>,</p> +<p><span class="sc">Mascagni</span>, <span class="sc">Sgambati</span>—</p> +<p>O Asti spumante!</p> +<p>O scena cantante!</p> +<p>Polenta, risotto,</p> +<p>O contra-fagotto!</p> +<p>Sordini, spaghetti,</p> +<p><span class="sc">Bellini</span>, confetti.</p> +<p>O cioppo dal grillo!</p> +<p><span class="sc">Tartini</span> del "trillo,"</p> +<p><i>Barbière</i>, "Di tanti,"</p> +<p>O fiaschi di Chianti!</p> +<p>O dolce solfeggio!</p> +<p>O caro arpeggio!</p> +<p>Salsiccia con veggio!</p> +<p>O lingua Toscana!</p> +<p>O bocca Romana!</p> +<p>O voce di petto!</p> +<p><i>Rigoletto</i>, <i>Masetto</i>,</p> +<p>Stringendo e stretto,</p> +<p>O notte di festa!</p> +<p>E poi mal di testa.</p> +<p>O Caffè di <span class="sc">Gatti</span>!</p> +<p>O <span class="sc">Pasta</span>! O <span class="sc">Patti</span>!</p> +<p>O <span class="sc">Patti</span>! O <span class="sc">Pasta</span>!</p> +<p>O Brava! O Basta!</p> +<p>O danza San <span class="sc">Vito</span>!</p> +<p><i>Clemenza di Tito</i>,</p> +<p><span class="sc">Camillo Boïto</span>,</p> +<p><i>Sarastro</i>, "Qui sdegno,"</p> +<p>Da capo, dal segno,</p> +<p><span class="sc">Albani</span>, <span class="sc">Alboni</span>!</p> +<p><span class="sc">Trebelli</span>, <span class="sc">Gardoni</span>!</p> +<p>O coloratura!</p> +<p>O bella bravura!</p> +<p>O "Salve dimora!"</p> +<p>O <i>Norma</i>, <i>Dinorah!</i></p> +<p>O lunga cadenza</p> +<p>Senza desinenza,</p> +<p>O tempo rubato!</p> +<p>Strumenti a fiato!</p> +<p>O pingue contralto!</p> +<p>O ponte di Rialto!</p> +<p>O basso profondo!</p> +<p>O fine del mondo!</p> +<p>O "voi che sapete!"—</p> +<p><span class="sc">Per Sempre Valete</span>!</p> + </div> </div> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page426" id="page426"></a>[pg 426]</span> +<h3>RACING AS A BUSINESS.</h3> + +<p class="note">[The kind of article which one may confidently +look for in the sporting columns of a +penny newspaper at this time of the year.]</p> + +<p>From the very beginning of the season +I have insisted that our objective should +be "the winter's keep." Those who +have stuck to me all along and played +my system are on velvet.</p> + +<p>During the flat-racing year I have +given a hundred-and-fourteen selections. +Let me just tabulate the results; I like +tabulating, for it fills my column in no +time.</p> + +<table align="center" summary="list" border="0"> +<tr> + <td>Selections.</td> + <td>Won.</td> + <td> Second.</td> + <td>Third.</td> + <td>Unplaced.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td>114</td> + <td>5</td> + <td>8</td> + <td>1</td> + <td>100</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p class="center"> +N.B.—Non-starters neglected.</p> + + +<p>The above is a statement of which I +may well be proud. I assert with confidence +that few sporting journalists +can show anything like this record.</p> + +<p>Certain captious correspondents like +"O. T." and "Disgusted" have pointed +out that my selections during this +period show a loss of £104 9<i>s.</i> 11½<i>d.</i> on +a <i>flat stake</i> of £1. All I can say is +that people who bet increasing stakes +are increasing, while people who bet +flat stakes are—— Well, that disposes +of "Disgusted" and "O. T." My +readers know that my system is to +have the minimum stake on the losers +and the maximum stake on the winners. +We shall never attain that abstract perfection, +but we should keep this ideal +before us. I believe in idealism; it pays.</p> + +<p>Take yesterday's selections, for instance. +Here they are, with results +tabulated:—</p> + + +<table align="center" summary="list" border="0"> +<tr> + <td class="left">1.00</td> + <td class="left">Breathing Time </td> + <td class="left"><i>Unplaced</i>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">1.30</td> + <td class="left">Taddenham</td> + <td class="left"><i>Unplaced</i>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">2.00</td> + <td class="left">Aminta I.</td> + <td class="left"><i>Unplaced</i>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">2.30</td> + <td class="left">Giddy Gertie</td> + <td class="left"><i>Non-starter</i>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">3.00</td> + <td class="left">Transformation</td> + <td class="left"><i>Unplaced</i>.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left">3.30</td> + <td class="left">Likely Case</td> + <td class="left"><i>Won—20 to 1 on</i>.</td> +</tr> +</table> + +<p>That I consider a highly successful +day's racing, provided your stakes were +proportionally placed; and here again +I must insist on my principle of maximum +and minimum stakes.</p> + +<p>Let us suppose, as naturally most of +my readers did, that a backer went to +the course with a bookmaker's credit +of twenty thousand pounds and a thousand +or so spare cash in his pocket. +Being a shrewd man he would place £1 +on Breathing Time to win. (I daresay +even "O. T." and "Disgusted" did me +the honour of following me so far.) On +Taddenham, true to my principles, our +backer would raise his stake to £1 10<i>s.</i> +Aminta I. would carry £2, or £2 10<i>s.</i> +if he were punting. But I cannot too +strongly discourage this habit of making +violent increases in stake; it is almost +gambling. Much better put on only +£2 with a safe bookmaker, such as Mr. +Bob Mowbray, of Conduit Street, whose +advertisement appears elsewhere in our +columns.</p> + +<p>To proceed, our backer finds to his +relief that Giddy Gertie is a non-starter +and retires to the refreshment bar for +a bracer. The 2.30 race being run off +he returns to the Ring for the serious +business of the day. After examining +Transformation in the paddock and listening +to the comments of the knowing +ones—"Too thick in the barrel," "Too +long in the pastern," "Too moth-eaten +in the coat"—he will exercise caution +and, instead of "putting his shirt" on +Transformation and plunging to the +extent of, say, £5, will put up not more +than £3 10<i>s.</i> and await the result with +calmness. When Transformation is returned +unplaced (or, as "O. T." and +"Disgusted" would say, "also ran") +our backer is not abashed. Taking full +advantage of his credit he places his +twenty thousand on Likely Case, together +perhaps with the odd thousand +or so in his pocket, being careful, however, +to ascertain that his return ticket +is still safely in his possession.</p> + +<p>Our backer is shrewd enough to understand +that this is a case for the maximum +stake. Strong in his faith in my principle +he sees Likely Case win with little +surprise.</p> + +<p>Returning to Town that evening he records +his day's dealings in this manner:</p> + +<table align="center" summary="list" border="0"> +<tr> + <th> </th> + <th colspan="3">Lost.</th> + <th colspan="3">Won.</th> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> <i>£</i></td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> <i>s.</i></td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> <i>d.</i></td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> <i>£</i></td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> <i>s.</i></td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> <i>d.</i></td> + +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Breathing Time</td> + <td class="right" valign="top">1 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Taddenham</td> + <td class="right" valign="top">1 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">10 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> +</tr> + <tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Aminta I.</td> + <td class="right" valign="top">2 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Giddy Gertie</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Transformation</td> + <td class="right" valign="top">3 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Likely Case</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> 1,000 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> +</tr> + <tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Expenses: Return<br /> +ticket, entrances,<br /> +three double<br /> +b. & s., etc.</td> + <td class="right" valign="top">2 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">4 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">—</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="left" valign="top"></td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" colspan="3" valign="top"><span style="line-height: 50%">_____________</span></td> + + <td class="right" colspan="3" valign="top"><span style="line-height: 50%">____________</span></td> + +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">10 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">4 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> 1,000 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> +</tr> + <tr> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">10 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">0 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">4 </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="left" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" colspan="3" valign="top"><span style="line-height: 50%">____________</span></td> + +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left" valign="top">Balance</td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top"> </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">£989 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">19 </td> + <td class="right" valign="top">8 </td> +</tr> +</table> + + + +<p>I may mention that the official s.p. +of 20 to 1 on Likely Case is distinctly +cramped. On the course it was possible +to obtain more generous terms and lay +only 19 to 1 on.</p> + +<p>Thus one sportsman by careful observance +of my principle has stacked +up a goodly array of chips towards his +winter's keep. All this goes to show +that if a man will bet sanely and avoid +"going for the gloves" he can make a +modest competence on the Turf.</p> + +<p>This afternoon the Vale Selling Plate +of 300 sovs. is down for decision. To +fill my space I cannot do better than +give a list of</p> + + + <h4><span class="sc">Probable Starters and Jockeys.</span></h4> + + <table align="center" summary="list" border="0"> + +<tr> + <td> </td> + <td>st.</td> + <td>lb.</td> + <td> </td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left"><span class="sc">Mayana</span></td> + <td>9</td> + <td>7</td> + <td class="left">Digby.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left"><span class="sc">Avignon</span></td> + <td>9</td> + <td>3</td> + <td class="left">Harris.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left"><span class="sc">Wise Uncle</span></td> + <td>8</td> + <td>7</td> + <td class="left">Holmes (O.)</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left"><span class="sc">Periwig</span></td> + <td>7</td> + <td>7</td> + <td class="left">Benny.</td> +</tr> +<tr> + <td class="left"><span class="sc">Beatus</span></td> + <td>7</td> + <td>0</td> + <td class="left">Peters.</td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<p>In Nurseries, Weight-for-age races +and so on I make it a rule to give only +one selection, but in a struggle of this +importance I expect to receive a little +more latitude. Of these, then, I take +Mayana and Periwig to beat the field. +At the same time I feel strongly that +Wise Uncle's form at Kempton was not +correct, and that he will nearly win, if +he can beat Beatus, who seems to be +let in nicely at 7 st. All the above will +be triers, but it is doubtful whether any +amount of trying will enable them to +beat Avignon, whose chances I am content +to support. I conclude by wishing +my readers a good time over this race.</p> + +<hr /> + + +<h3>NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.</h3> + +<h3><span class="sc">The Worm</span>.</h3> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>The worms, the worms, the wriggly worms,</p> +<p class="i2">They keep on eating earth,</p> +<p>And always in the grossest terms</p> +<p class="i2">Complain about their birth;</p> +<p>They have no eyes, they have no eyes,</p> +<p class="i2">They cannot read a book;</p> +<p>I wonder if they realise</p> +<p class="i2">What dreadful things they look.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>The trowel cuts them quite in half,</p> +<p class="i2">It is a bitter cup;</p> +<p>They give a sour sardonic laugh</p> +<p class="i2">And sew the pieces up;</p> +<p>They sew them up and wind away</p> +<p class="i2">With seeming unconcern,</p> +<p>But oh, be careful! one fine day</p> +<p class="i2">I hear the worm will turn.</p> + </div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>And though I don't know what it means,</p> +<p class="i2">I know what reptiles are;</p> +<p>They love to make unpleasant scenes</p> +<p class="i2">When people go too far;</p> +<p>However calm he seems to be</p> +<p class="i2">When only cut in two,</p> +<p>If you go cutting him in three</p> +<p class="i2">I don't know <i>what</i> he'd do!</p> + </div> +<div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24">A. P. H.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Effect of the Greek Imbroglio.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Asked why <i>The Daily Mail</i> had been asked +to send a representative, Mr. MacSweeney +stated that Mr. MacCormack had cancelled an +agreement with his agent, which meant the +cancellatino of a number of provincial engagements."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<table align="center" summary="" border="0"> +<tr> + <td class="left1">"AUTOBIOGRAPHY OF<br /> +MARGOT ASQUITH.</td> + <td class="bigbrace">}</td> + <td class="left1" valign="middle">POLY. PRICE 25/-</td> +</tr> +</table> + + +<blockquote> +<p class="center">With 43 Illustrations.</p> + +<h4><span class="sc">A Noah's Ark</span></h4> + +<p>With a real educational interest. Education +without effort. Containing 25 animals, all +perfectly drawn."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Advt. in Glasgow Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Not at all a bad description.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"The Oxford University forwards created a +very favourable impression against Major +Stanley's XV. at Oxford yesterday, and were +not to blame for the defeat of the University +by 2 placed girls...."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Here's to the maidens of <span class="sc">Stanley's</span> +XV.!</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page427" id="page427"></a>[pg 427]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/427.png"><img src="images/427-1-600.png" width="600" height="265" alt="HELLO SMITH - YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY" border="0" /></a> +<p>HELLO SMITH - YOU DON'T MEAN TO SAY——</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/427.png"><img src="images/427-2-600.png" width="600" height="261" alt="YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THOSE" border="0" /></a><br /><br /> +<p class="center">YOU'VE GOT ONE OF THOSE</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/427.png"><img src="images/427-3-600.png" width="600" height="268" alt="BEASTLY LITTLE THINGS !" border="0" /></a> +<p class="right">BEASTLY LITTLE THINGS !</p> +<h4>THE HANDY LITTLE CAR.</h4> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page428" id="page428"></a>[pg 428]</span> + +<h3>THE PLACE OF THE TROMBONE IN THE BAND.</h3> + +<p>When I speak of the place of the +trombone in the band I am not referring +to his site or locality. That is for the +conductor to settle. My purpose is to +give an intelligent reply to the oft-quoted +query, "Why the trombone?"</p> + +<p>Everybody knows that it is not in the +band for musical purposes. It is not a +musical instrument. The man who could +extract music from a trombone could get +grapes out of a coal-mine.</p> + +<p>No, its <i>raison d'être</i> is mostly critical +and punitive. It is there to see that +the orchestra does its job and to put the +fear of a hectic hereafter into the man +who is out of step with his fellow-conspirators.</p> + +<p>The uninformed +have a vague idea that +the conductor should +do that with his little +stick. But I put it to +you, what use would a +little stick be against a +man like the big drum? +A meat-axe would +have some point, but +the difficulties of conducting +with a meat-axe +will be obvious to +even the least musical.</p> + +<p>When the French +horn, in the throes of +a liver attack, sees supplementary +spots on +the score and plays +them with abandon, +or when the clarionet +(or clarinet), having +inadvertently sucked +down a fly which in +an adventurous mood +has strolled into one of those little holes +in the instrument, coughs himself half +out of his evening clothes, does the conductor +forsake his air of austerity and +use language unbefitting a solemn occasion? +Does he pick up his music-stand +and hurl it at the offender? He does +not. It would be a breach of etiquette.</p> + +<p>He simply signals to the trombone, +who promptly turns the exit part of his +instrument on the culprit and gives a +bray that makes the unfortunate man's +shirt-front crumple up like a concertina. +That is discipline.</p> + +<p>Then again the trombone is employed +as a sort of brake when in a moment +of excitement the rest of the orchestra +has a tendency to overdo things.</p> + +<p>For example, all will remember the +throbbing moment at the end of the +drama, where the hero and heroine, +murmuring "At last!" fall into each +other's arms and move slowly off the +stage whilst the band starts up <span class="sc">Mendelssohn's</span> +or <span class="sc">Glückstein's</span> "Wedding +March." The effect on an orchestra is +immediate and immense. Somewhere +behind each of these stiff shirt-fronts +beats a heart that thrills at every suggestion +of romance. It is well known +that, when at intervals during a performance +they retire through the man-hole +under the stage, it is to imbibe +another chapter of <span class="sc">Ethel M. Dell</span> or +of "Harried Hannah, the Bloomsbury +Bride." And so the lingering embrace +of the lovers sets them tingling and +they tackle the "Wedding March" at +the double. The clarionet (or clarinet) +wipes the tears from his eyes and puts +a sob in his rendering; the cornet unswallows +his mouthpiece and, getting +his under-jaw well jutted out, decides +to put a jerk in it; the piccolo pickles +with furious enthusiasm; the 'cello puts +his instrument in top-gear with his left +hand and saws away violently with the +other; the triangle, who has fallen +perhaps into a Euclidian dream, sits +up and gets a move on; the stevedore—no, +no, that is the next chapter—the +oboe, the French horn, the kettledrum, +the euphonium, the proscenium, the +timbrel, the hautboy, the sackbut-and-ashes—all +get a grip of the ground +with both feet and let her go.</p> + +<p>They try to depict golden lands of +radiant sunshine, where beautiful +couples stroll hand-in-hand for ever +and the voice of the turtle replaces +that of the raucous vendor of the racing +edition.</p> + +<p>If they were allowed to have their +way the effect on the unmarried portion +of the audience would be to send them +rushing out of the theatres and dragging +registrars out of a sick-bed in order to +perform the marriage ceremony there +and then.</p> + +<p>But the trombone introduces the +hard practical note, the necessary corrective. +His monotonous grunt is used +to remind the audience of marriage as +it is lived in real life, of the girl at +breakfast in unmarcelled hair, of the +man dropping cigarette-ash on the best +carpet, of double income-tax, of her +family, of his, of her bills for frocks, of +his wandering off to golf or the club, +and a host of other incidentals.</p> + +<p>A reaction takes place among the +audience. Men who had been a moment +before estimating the price of a diamond-ring +turn their thoughts to two-stroke +motor-bicycles, and girls decide that +love in a cottage is an overrated pastime—especially +when +you can't get the cottage—and +decide to +wait a few years till a +house or two has been +built.</p> + +<p>That is the chief +function of the trombone—to +pursue those +who are wandering in +the clouds and bring +them to earth with a +crash.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/428.png"><img src="images/428-600.png" width="600" height="431" alt="Hold your hat up and cheer." /></a> +<p><i>Press Photographer</i> (<i>to perfect stranger while +arranging group on departure of +popular personage</i>). "<span class="sc">Hold your hat up and cheer.</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h4>The Triumphs of Art.</h4> + +<h4><span class="sc">"Woman Sculptor In +The Kremlin.</span></h4> +<h4><span class="sc">Bolshevist Busts."</span></h4> +<p class="author"> +<i>"Times" headlines.</i></p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Rhodes bowled Ryder +for a duck, and off his +very next ball he got +Moyes smartly stumped +by Dolphin at point."</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>Irish Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Dolphin</span> must have +acquired "the long arm of coincidence."</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<h4><span class="sc">"Letts Clash with Poles."</span></h4> +<p class="author"> +<i>Japan Gazette.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>No, don't let's.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Autumn made a lightning spring into +winter yesterday."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>England's seasons seem to be getting +hopelessly intermingled.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"—— Htl.—S. asp. Magnificently equipped."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Patronized by the late <span class="sc">Queen Cleopatra</span>.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">To Let</span>, Furnished Bedroom, beard +optional, terms moderate."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Would suit almost any young shaver.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"A telephone call office has been opened at +Mumps Post Office."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Official notice.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p><span class="sc">Subscriber</span>.—Can you give me +Mumps?</p> + +<p><span class="sc">Operator</span>.—No, but I have got a +bad cold if that is any use to you.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page429" id="page429"></a>[pg 429]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/429.png"><img src="images/429-600.png" width="600" height="430" alt="Well, and what brings you here again?" /></a> +<p>"<span class="sc">Well, and what brings you here again</span>?"</p> +<p>"<span class="sc">Force of 'abit</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MY WEATHER-GUIDE.</h3> + +<p>I was admiring Cripstock's barometer.</p> + +<p>"Take it," he said.</p> + +<p>"My dear Cripstock!" I exclaimed, +as I pulled it from the wall.</p> + +<p>"My dear fellow!" he replied, in tones +more of gratitude than of generosity.</p> + +<p>I have fastened it in my hall at the +regulation distance from the hat-rack +and between the assegais. It will be +nice company for the dinner-gong, +which it faces. I purposely did not +place them side by side, for fear of any +error in tapping.</p> + +<p>These delicate contrivances do not +readily settle down in a new home, and +for a week I ignored the barometer. +This may have seemed unfriendly to a +newcomer, yet surely it was kind not +to observe any faults it might display +during its novitiate. When on the Saturday +morning I scrutinised it for the first +time I saw it pointed to "Stormy." I +hastened over breakfast in order to get +into the garden in time to fix up the +starboard fence. After working feverishly +for three hours, glancing at the +sky at frequent intervals, I heard the +"All clear" signalled from a back +window, the needle having swung round +to "Set Fair."</p> + +<p>There it remained for several days, a +marvel of accuracy. My poor umbrella +began to wear a look of neglect, but +my walking-stick was jubilant. "Set +Fair" it was again on the Friday, and +again I set out with my happy malacca.</p> + +<p>On my return wet through I had +another proof of the excellence of my +faithful aneroid. Its needle pointed +imperatively to "Change." This, in +fact, I had already decided to do, but to +a less careful man the instruction must +have been of inestimable advantage.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>OUR "PROMISED" LAND.</h3> + +<p class="center">(<i>An "explanation" of another of the +<span class="sc">Premier's</span> election "promises."</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>My emotion I well can remember</p> + <p class="i2">O'er a "promise" that somewhere I'd seen</p> + <p>One night, away back in December</p> + <p class="i2">Anno Domini 1918.</p> + <p>Happy tears in my orbs began wellin'</p> + <p class="i2">As I read how the England-to-be</p> + <p>Would become a fit messuage to dwell in</p> + <p class="i6">For heroes like me.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>Refreshed by an access of ardour</p> + <p class="i2">I returned to my business in town;</p> + <p>But, as life seemed each day to grow harder,</p> + <p class="i2">I despaired of its joy and its crown;</p> + <p>Till, fed up with a "tale" for poor Tommies,</p> + <p class="i2">My temper I finally lost,</p> + <p>And pronounced that oracular "promise"</p> + <p class="i6">A palpable frost.</p></div> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>But I've tumbled at last to my error;</p> + <p class="i2">For, although I am far from content,</p> + <p>I know that this era of terror</p> + <p class="i2">Is just what the Government meant;</p> + <p>When through England so bell-like and clear rose</p> + <p class="i2">That eager, that passionate vow;</p> + <p>Since none but a race of real heroes</p> + <p class="i6">Can live in it now.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote> +<h4>Commercial Candour.</h4> + +<p>"<span class="sc">Situations Wanted</span>. +Housemaid, unscrupulously clean."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Melbourne Argus.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. Arthur Henderson, M.P., has added +2½ stones to his stature since he left the +nursing home in Leeds."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Mail.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>And three cubits to his weight.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page430" id="page430"></a>[pg 430]</span> + + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/430.png"><img src="images/430-600.png" width="600" height="439" alt="MORE HINTS TO SOCIAL CLIMBERS: HOW TO ATTRACT NOTICE." /></a> +<h4>MORE HINTS TO SOCIAL CLIMBERS: HOW TO ATTRACT NOTICE.</h4> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h3>THE BROWN LADY.</h3> + + +<p>We were talking of the sex, the dark +and the fair, and "Give me," he said, +"a brunette every time. But how +seldom one meets them now!"</p> + +<p>I expressed surprise at this.</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said, "it is so. Plenty of +women with dark hair, but not dark +skins. The true brunette is very rare."</p> + +<p>"I know one," I said; "probably the +most perfect brunette in London."</p> + +<p>"Young?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said.</p> + +<p>"Could I—would you take me to +see her?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Certainly," I said.</p> + +<p>"When?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Now," I said; "this afternoon. But +we must hurry. Her servants have +orders not to let anyone in after four."</p> + +<p>"You're sure she won't mind?" he +asked.</p> + +<p>"Absolutely," I said. "My friends +are hers. I've introduced lots of people +to her and she's delighted."</p> + +<p>He smiled blissfully.</p> + +<p>Having obtained a taxi I gave an +address in Regent's Park, but told the +driver to stop at a shop on the way +"She loves sweets," I explained.</p> + +<p>"They all do," he replied, with the +sententiousness of gallantry, as though +speaking from abysmal depths of knowledge.</p> + +<p>"Yes, but she has a more catholic +taste than most," I said. "She's the +only brunette—or, if it comes to that, +the only blonde—I ever knew with a +weakness for—well, I'll make you +guess."</p> + +<p>"Preserved ginger?" he suggested.</p> + +<p>"No," I said.</p> + +<p>"American pop-corn?"</p> + +<p>"Not that I know," I said.</p> + +<p>"Tell me," he replied.</p> + +<p>"Condensed milk," I said.</p> + +<p>"Good Heavens!" he exclaimed. +"Condensed milk? That's the oddest +thing I've ever heard."</p> + +<p>"That's what I'm getting," I said; +"and it won't injure your chances with +her if you take her a pot of honey."</p> + +<p>"But I don't know her," he submitted.</p> + +<p>"It doesn't matter," I said; "she's +the most unconventional creature in the +world—just a child of nature."</p> + +<p>"Delicious!" he murmured.</p> + +<p>"She's a Canadian, you see," I added.</p> + +<p>"Oh, a Canadian," he replied, as +though that explained everything. "And, +by the way, what's her name?"</p> + +<p>"She lets me call her Winnie," I said.</p> + +<p>"And what do I call her?" he asked.</p> + +<p>"Well," I said, "if I were you I'd +call her Winnie too. She'd love it."</p> + +<p>"This is extraordinarily interesting," +he replied. "But you know I'm far +too shy to do a thing like that."</p> + +<p>When, however, the time came and +we were shown into Winnie's drawing-room +in Mappin Terrace and the most +adorable brown bear in captivity came +lumbering towards us, he called her +Winnie as naturally as her keeper does +or any of the Canadian soldiers whose +mascot she was, and he held the honey-pot +for her until her tongue had extracted +every drop. She then clawed +at his pocket for more.</p> + +<p>"I told you she'd like you," I said.</p> + +<p>"Isn't she a pet? And a brunette +all right? I didn't deceive you."</p> + +<p>"She's perfect," he said. "Absolutely +<i>the</i> Queen of She-Bears."</p> + +<p>And so say all good Zoologicians.</p> + +<p class="author">E. V. L.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page431" id="page431"></a>[pg 431]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 400px;"> +<a href="images/431.png"><img src="images/431-357.png" width="357" height="450" alt="A GERMAN INVASION." /></a> +<h4>A GERMAN INVASION.</h4> +<p><span class="sc">Herr Noah </span> (<i>to Frau Noah</i>). "HERE WE ARE AGAIN—JUST AS IF +NOTHING HAD HAPPENED!"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page433" id="page433"></a>[pg 433]</span> + +<h3>ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT</h3>. + +<p><i>Monday, November 22nd.</i>—Fortunately +or unfortunately, according to +one's point of view, this deponent was +not a spectator of the fight in the +House of Commons this afternoon, +having been himself previously knocked +out by a catarrhal microbe possessing, +as the sporting journals say, "a remarkable +punch." He therefore gives the +fracas an honourable miss.</p> + +<p>The Tariff Reformers were horrified +to hear from Sir <span class="sc">Robert Horne</span> that +nearly four hundred thousand pounds' +worth of clocks had been imported from +Germany this year. They were quite +under the impression that when we +wound up the Watch on the Rhine +clocks were included.</p> + +<p>They were still more surprised to +learn that without further legislation +it is impossible for British parents, +when purchasing toys for their children, +to be sure that they are not the productions +of our late enemies. It would +appear that the famous label, "Made in +Germany," which did so much to advertise +the products of the Fatherland +before the War, has now outlived its +usefulness; but the goods are coming +along just the same.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"> +<a href="images/433-1.png"><img src="images/433-1-250.png" width="250" height="336" alt="Lord Birkenhead" /></a> +<h4>A LECTURE TO THE UPPER SCHOOL.</h4> +<p class="center"><span class="sc">Lord Birkenhead</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p><i>Tuesday, November 23rd.</i>—Lord <span class="sc">Birkenhead's</span> +complete recovery from his +recent ear-trouble was attested by the +ease and mastery of his speech in moving +the Second Reading of the Government +of Ireland Bill. Some men in this situation +might have been a little embarrassed +by their past. But Sir <span class="sc">Edward +Carson's</span> erstwhile "galloper" neither +forgot nor apologised for his daring +feats of horsemanship, and triumphantly +produced a letter from his former +chief assuring "my dear Lord Chancellor" +that "Ulster" had come round +to the view that "the best and only +solution of the question is to accept +the present Bill and to endeavour to +work it loyally."</p> + +<p>For the rest he minimised the temporary +partition of Ireland and laid stress +on the ultimate union to be effected by +the Council of Ireland; magnified the +financial advantages—seven millions is +the sum he reckons Southern Ireland +will ultimately have to play with—and +hinted that they might be further +stretched "if peace were offered to us +by any body which was qualified to +speak for Irish opinion."</p> + +<p>For a time little encouragement came +from the Irish Peers. Lord <span class="sc">Dunraven</span> +moved the rejection of the Bill, on the +ground that there could never be permanent +peace in Ireland until moderate +opinion was behind the law, and that +moderate opinion would not be satisfied +without full financial control. Lord +<span class="sc">Willoughby de Broke</span> spoke as an +unrepentant Unionist, and Lord <span class="sc">Clanwilliam</span> +bluntly declared that the Irish +were one of those peoples who were +unfit to govern themselves and who +had got to be governed.</p> + +<div class="figright" style="width: 300px;"> +<a href="images/433-2.png"><img src="images/433-2-250.png" width="250" height="307" alt="Lord Haldane." /></a> +<p>"The balance step without advancing."</p> +<p><span class="sc">Lord Haldane</span>.</p> +</div> + +<p>The Duke of <span class="sc">Abercorn</span>, as an Ulsterman, +supported the Bill, and Lord <span class="sc">Haldane</span> +gave an elegant exhibition of the +military exercise known as "the balance +step without advancing." It was not +the Bill he would have drafted, and the +Government must pass it on their own +responsibility. Still he thought it +should be given a chance.</p> + +<p>In the Commons Sir <span class="sc">Archibald +Williamson</span> gave an account of the remarkable +transmigrations of the Egyptian +G.H.Q., which within a few weeks +was located at the Savoy Hotel, the +Abbassiah Barracks and the Eden Hotel. +"Each move was made from motives +of economy." Sir <span class="sc">Alfred Mond</span> is +understood to be most anxious to know +how this game is played. He can +manage the first moves all right, but +never achieves a winning position.</p> + +<p><i>Wednesday, November 24th.</i>—Those +who were fortunate enough to hear +Viscount <span class="sc">Grey's</span> speech on the Government +of Ireland Bill speak of it as on +a par with that which he delivered +as the spokesman of the nation on +August 3rd, 1914. To me it did not +appear quite so plain and coherent; but +who can be plain and coherent about +the Irish Question? Lord <span class="sc">Grey</span> thinks, +for example, that if the Government +made a more liberal offer to Nationalist +Ireland the pressure of moderate opinion +would put an end to murders and outrages. +But how would that moderate +opinion be able to overcome the terrorism +of the secret societies, which, as +Lord <span class="sc">Bryce</span> told the Peers, have dogged +every Irish patriotic movement since +the eighteenth century and which will +admit no compromise with the hated +invader?</p> + +<p>The debate was neatly summarised +by Lord <span class="sc">Ribblesdale</span>, who said, "We +are all Home Rulers, but each of us +thinks the other fellow's brand is +wrong."</p> + +<p>The state of Ireland was at that +moment being debated in the Commons, +when Mr. <span class="sc">Asquith</span> found himself saddled +with the introduction of a motion +which, while nominally blaming the +Irish Executive, really accused the soldiers +and police of attacking the lives +and property of innocent people. The +awkwardness of the situation was reflected +in the terms of his indictment. +At one moment the charge was that +houses and creameries were destroyed +"without discrimination" between innocent +and guilty; at the next the +House was asked to note "overwhelming +evidence of organisation." His +only suggestion for a remedy was that +we should get into touch with "the +real opinion of the great bulk of the +Irish people," but he did not indicate +how it was to be done or what the +opinion would be when you got to it.</p> + +<p>Sir <span class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</span> is quite clear +that you won't get to it until you have +crushed the murder-gang which is terrorising +the great mass of the Southern +Irish people, not excluding "the intellectual +leaders of Sinn Fein."</p> + +<p>Colonel <span class="sc">John Ward</span> cleverly remodelled +the resolution into a vote of +thanks to the servants of the Crown in +Ireland for their courage and devotion, +and this was eventually adopted by 303 +votes to 83.</p> + +<p><i>Thursday, November 25th.</i>—For the +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page434" id="page434"></a>[pg 434]</span> +first time in its history the House of +Lords gave a Second Reading to a +Home Rule Bill for Ireland. Up to +the very last the issue was in doubt, +for Lord <span class="sc">Midleton's</span> motion that the +debate should be adjourned for a fortnight, +in order that a more generous +financial scheme might be produced, +attracted two classes of Peers—those +who are resigned to Home Rule, but +want a better brand, and those who +won't have it at any price or in any +shape.</p> + +<div class="figleft" style="width: 300px;"> +<a href="images/434.png"><img src="images/434-250.png" width="250" height="360" alt="Lord Curzon. 'Lord Willoughby de Broke still remained a magnificent relic of the Old Guard.'" /></a> +<p><i>Lord Curzon.</i> "Lord <span class="sc">Willoughby de Broke</span> +still remained a magnificent relic of the Old +Guard."</p> +</div> + +<p>On the steps of the Throne sat the +<span class="sc">Prime Minister</span>, whose humility in +going no higher will doubtless receive +favourable comment in Welsh pulpits. +He was accompanied—I will not say +shepherded—by Sir <span class="sc">Hamar Greenwood</span> +and Sir <span class="sc">Edward Carson</span>. What signals, +if any, passed between this triumvirate +and the Woolsack I cannot say, but +the fact remains that, after a brief chat +with the <span class="sc">Lord Chancellor</span>, Lord +<span class="sc">Curzon</span> came down heavily against the +motion. An adjournment would be +useless unless it produced peace. But +could Lord <span class="sc">Midleton</span> guarantee that +even the most complete fiscal autonomy +would satisfy Sinn Fein? If later on, +when the Irish Parliaments were in +operation, a demand came from a united +Ireland, the Government would give it +friendly consideration. Lord <span class="sc">Midleton's</span> +motion having been rejected by +eighty-six votes, and Lord <span class="sc">Dunraven's</span> +by ninety, the Second Reading was +agreed to without a division.</p> + +<p>In the Commons a final attempt to +defeat the Agricultural Bill was made +by the Farmers' Party. Mr. <span class="sc">Courthope</span> +declared that the Bill would +produce only doubt and uncertainty, +whereas the farmer needed confidence, +a plant of slow growth (as we know on +the authority of another statesman), +which would not flourish under bureaucratic +supervision. Sir F. <span class="sc">Banbury</span> +said the measure must end in nationalisation, +and he would prefer nationalisation—<i>cum</i> +proper compensation, of +course—straight away. The surprising +statement by a Labour Member, that +the farmers had subsidised the nation +to the extent of forty millions a year +by selling at less than world-prices, +may have helped to placate their +champions, who had not quite realised +what generous fellows they were, for +only a dozen stalwarts carried their +protest into the Division Lobby.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Learn to be independent of domestics. In +four months I undertake to train any young +girl of good family, and willing to learn, as a +thoroughly competent and economical Plain +Cook. Live in as one of family. Three maids +kept. Mrs. ——."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Church Times.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The advertiser seems to fight shy of +her own medicine.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>IMPROVING "HANSARD."</h3> + +<p>If <i>Hansard</i> would only introduce a +little brightness into its bald and unconvincing +narrative of Parliamentary +procedure it would provide reading-matter +which would grip the heart and +stir the emotions, winning many new +readers from the students of fiction and +other light literature. <i>Hansard</i> will +otherwise never find it worth while to +organise sand-castle competitions for +the little ones about its certified net +sales.</p> + +<p>It suffers under the disadvantage of +having no sporting expert, no front-rank +descriptive writer and no specialist +in the humanities (sometimes known as +a sob-artist) on its staff. That is why +it reports a soul-stirring incident in the +following terms?—</p> + +<p>"Mr. X. struck out, and unintentionally +hit an hon. member (Mr. Y.), +who was sitting in close proximity. +Grave disorder having thus arisen, Mr. +Speaker rose and ordered the suspension +of the sitting under Standing Order +No. 21."</p> + +<p>How differently the thing might have +been done if put into competent hands. +Would not something like the following +(though far short of perfection, we +admit) have been more acceptable to +the general reader?—</p> + +<p>Mr. X's erstwhile florid face paled. +An ugly look invaded his features of +normally classic beauty. Flinging off +his braided morning-coat he flew +at his opponent. Parrying with his +right he brought his left well home +with a middle-and-off jab, tapping the +claret—a pretty blow, whose only defect +was that it struck the wrong face.</p> + +<p>Other honourable Members hastened +to join the <i>mêlée</i>. Pince-nez flew in +every direction, toupées were disarranged, +dental plates shook to their +very foundations. The opposition pack +worked well, displaying brilliant footwork, +tackling low and dodging neatly +the dangerous cross-kicks of their +opponents. The heel-work, while above +the average, was too often below the +belt.</p> + +<p>Meanwhile the only lady Member +present sat pale and bright-eyed, a silent +spectator. Her mind, working rapidly, +sensed an impending catastrophe. What +could she do to emphasise the woman's +point of view? At the sight of blood +she nerved herself with a supreme +effort to remain in her place. Then, +springing to action, she tore her dainty +handkerchief into strips with which to +provide the bandages which it seemed +would inevitably be needed.</p> + +<p>At last silence reigned. The collar-studs +were collected from the floor of +the House and the few remaining +Members breathlessly awaited the resumption +of the sitting.</p> + +<p>As the hon. Member apologised every +throat was dry, but most of the eyes +were moist. The gracious acceptance of +the apology moved strong men to weep +aloud until called to order. And there, +in the background, sat she whose +woman's wit had shown the better way.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Commercial Menace.</h4> + +<blockquote><p> +"Taxis for Hire. Boats and Trains met. +Picnic and Wedding Parties promptly attended +to and executed with reliability." +</p></blockquote> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"There were only 67 persons enjoying +annual incomes of £200,000 or over in 1918, +upon whom a tax of about £28,000,000 was +levied."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>What are we coming to!</p> + +<hr /> + +<p class="center">"THE GARDEN.</p> + +<blockquote><p> +<span class="sc">Violins</span>.—For sale, several second-hand +Violins."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Local Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>They should harmonize well with the +violas in the next bed.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Mr. —— (the bride's brother) was at the +organ, and played the 'Bridle March' (Lohengrin)."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Local +Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>While the happy pair were on their +way to the halter.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"An advertisement in a morning paper for +20 laborers to do store work resulted in 400 +applicants assembling in front of the Petersham +P.O., where the advertiser had promised +to meet them. To their intense disgust he +failed to materialise. The general opinion is +that the advertisement was a hoar."</p> + +<p class="author"><i>Australian Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>A frost anyway.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page435" id="page435"></a>[pg 435]</span> + +<table width="90%" align="center" summary="cartoon" border="0"> +<tr> + <td width="50%"><a href="images/435.png"><img src="images/435-1-300.png" width="300" height="318" alt="A sixpenny-bit - plain." border="0" /></a></td> + <td width="50%"><a href="images/435.png"><img src="images/435-2-300.png" width="300" height="318" alt="One penny - with aplomb." border="0" /></a></td> +</tr></table> + + <h4>THE USES OF GESTURE.</h4> + + +<table width="90%" align="center" summary="caption" border="0"> +<tr> + <td width="50%" valign="top"><span class="sc">A sixpenny bit—plain.</span></td> + <td width="50%" valign="top"><span class="sc">One penny—with aplomb.</span></td> +</tr> +</table> + +<hr /> + + +<h3>"G.B.R.L."</h3> + + +<p>G.B.R.L.'s are an old-established +convention in my family. Joan and +Pauline ("Porgie" <i>libentius audit</i>) are +exceptional authorities on the animal +world in general; exceptional, at any +rate, for their years, which respectively +total four-spot-six and two-spot-five. +They confound their parents daily with +questions relating to the habits of marmots +or the language of kiwis. But +they never talk about "lions," <i>tout +court</i>. A lion is, <i>ex-officio</i> and <i>ipso facto</i>, +a Great-Big-Roarin'-Lion—always has +been: in short, a G.B.R.L.</p> + +<p>It reminds me of a man I know who +was made a G.B.E.; but that's another +story, and Joan wouldn't see the joke +of it anyhow, though I know she would +smile politely.</p> + +<p>But in this matter of lions, from which +I am tending to digress, the old G.B.R. +convention has just been weighed in the +balance and found wanting. It came +about in this wise. Joan's and Porgie's +Uncle Barney (his nose is <i>retroussé</i>, if +anything, only he had the misfortune +to be born on St. Barnabas' Day) departed +the other day for Afric's sunny +shores—for Algiers, in fact—to nurse a +tedious trench legacy. This, of course, +was a matter of great concern to his +nieces, in whose eyes he is distinctly +<i>persona grata</i>, owing to his command +of persiflage and taste in confectionery.</p> + +<p>I went into the nursery on the fateful +morning to break the sad news. My +daughters were at breakfast and I was +just in time to hear Joan's grace, "Thank +God for our b'ekfas'—and <i>do</i> make us +good." The extremely sanctimonious +tone in which this was delivered, combined +with the melodramatic scowl +which marred the usual serenity of +Porgie's countenance, convinced me +that the morning had commenced inauspiciously +and that it would be well +to gild the pill which I had to administer.</p> + +<p>"Hallo, stout women," I said cheerfully. +Joan looked politely bored but +made no reply.</p> + +<p>"Not 'tout wimmin," said Porgie +heavily and uncompromisingly. Obviously +it was too early in the day for +any of that sparkling back-chat for +which my daughters are so justly +famed. So I got down to hard tacks +at once.</p> + +<p>"Your Uncle Barney," I said, "is +going to Algiers to-day."</p> + +<p>I explained that Algiers was in Africa, +where the black men come from. Joan +was mildly intrigued. She opined that +her Uncle Barney would follow the +local customs (as she understood them) +and wear no clothes. I said I doubted +if his medical adviser would approve of +his carrying international courtesy to +such an extreme. Joan was frankly disappointed. +So I tried again.</p> + +<p>"I expect he'll see some lions in +Africa," I suggested.</p> + +<p>Joan's interest revived. "Great-big-roarin'-lions," +she corrected me. Porgie +expressed herself, as usual, in precisely +similar terms.</p> + +<p>"Yes," I said feelingly, "great big +roarers. I expect they'll eat him up +quite soon."</p> + +<p>Joan looked deeply concerned at this +callous prediction, and the corners of +Porgie's mouth drooped ominously.</p> + +<p>"I don't like roarin' lions," said Joan.</p> + +<p>"Don't nike roarin' nions," said +Porgie.</p> + +<p>"Are they in cages?" suggested Joan +hopefully. This was an excellent idea.</p> + +<p>"Of course they are," I said with +great heartiness.</p> + +<p>Joan was not satisfied. "Will they +roar when they see Uncle Barney?" +she inquired.</p> + +<p>This gave me my chance most unexpectedly. +"I should just think they +will," I said. "If they see him dressed +like your black men, they'll roar till +the tears pour down their cheeks."</p> + +<p>"I 'spect they'd be laughing at him," +said Joan, gracefully helping me out.</p> + +<p>"I 'spect so," I replied.</p> + +<p>"<i>I</i> see," said Joan comfortably.</p> + +<p>"<i>I</i> see," said Porgie.</p> + +<p class="center">* * * * *</p> + +<p>So G.B.R.L. has come to have a new +and a more genial significance, thanks +to Uncle Barney.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Vacant Possession, through sickness.—Capital +Chop, with good living accommodation, +in best business position."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Purchaser will acquire a steak in the +country.</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page436" id="page436"></a>[pg 436]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 500px;"> +<a href="images/436.png"><img src="images/436-304.png" width="304" height="450" alt="ANOTHER CHILD ACTRESS." /></a> +<h4>ANOTHER CHILD ACTRESS.</h4> +<p><i>Mrs. Bluff</i> (<i>a popular pauper</i>). "<span class="sc">Now, Fanny, what'll yer +say when I takes yer into the kind lady's drorin'-room</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Fanny</i> (<i>thoroughly proficient</i>). "<span class="sc">Oh, that's an easy one. +I'll put on a bewtiful lorst look an' say, 'Muvver, this is 'eaven!'</span>"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<h4>Mr. Punch's Misquotations.</h4> + +<p>Of a prima donna who sang in a +private drawing-room: "At a party she +gave what was meant for mankind."</p> +<p class="author"> +(<span class="sc">Goldsmith</span>).</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"<span class="sc">Far-Fetched Herring</span>.</p> + +<p>"The steam drifter Bruces landed at Buckie +to-day the furthest-fetched catch of herrings +on record. The herrings were caught on the +Yarmouth grounds, over 4000 miles distant."</p> +<p class="author"> +<i>Scotch Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>The last detail seems as far-fetched as +the fish.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Lost, in Paragon Street or Station, Black +Dog with purse, money, eyeglass and papers; +name and address inside.—Reward returning +same."</p> +<p class="author"> +—<i>Daily Paper</i>. +</p></blockquote> + +<p>But suppose the finder is an anti-vivisectionist?</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> + <p>There was a young lady named Janet,</p> + <p>Who committed high treason in Thanet;</p> + <p class="i6">She dressed up her cat</p> + <p class="i6">In a <i>D**ly M**l</i> hat,</p> + <p>And was promptly fired out of this planet.</p> +</div> +</div> + +<hr /> + + + +<h3>ONE TOUCH OF DICKENS.</h3> + + +<p>Knowing that there was everything +in my appearance to command respect, +I went into the manager's room with +confidence. Lean and brown and middle-aged, +in a tweed coat and grey flannel +trousers, which, though not new, were +well cut, I felt that I looked like one +accustomed to put in and take out sums +from banks. There was no trying for +effect, no effort, no tie-pin. The stick +I carried was a plain ash. The pipe, +which I removed from my mouth, had +no silver mounting. Ah, but it showed +the tiny mother-of-pearl star which +stamped it as a Bungknoll. There was +going to be no difficulty here.</p> + +<p>"Good morning," I said. "I regret +to trouble a busy man over a small +matter, but I wish to cash a cheque +for ten pounds."</p> + +<p>He was a quiet, capable-looking man +with a rather tired expression.</p> + +<p>"The cashing of cheques," he said, +laying down his pipe, "is one item of +our duties."</p> + +<p>"Unfortunately," I continued, "I +have run short of money. I bought a +rather good print in a shop down the +road and it has left me without any. I +can give a cheque on Bilson's, but the +banks in town close to-morrow and it +would mean waiting three days, so I +hope that you will be able to—"</p> + +<p>"You can bring someone to identify +you, of course?" he said, reaching for +a bell.</p> + +<p>"I am sorry to say that I am unknown +here. I am all right at the hotel, +but I don't like to ask the people for +money. I have brought only a small +bag, and what with the races and so +forth I might expose myself to a disagreeable +refusal."</p> + +<p>"Yes," he said, "you might. But +I'm afraid I can't cash a cheque for +you without an identification. I'll send +it for collection if you like."</p> + +<p>"But that means waiting for days, +and I haven't a shilling left. I came +here for a week to look at the country +about your town—a beautiful little +town." I added this diplomatically.</p> + +<p>"Do you think so? I consider it a +hole. But I don't know much about it +as I'm only here for a week. However, +I'm sorry I can't help you except in +the way I mentioned."</p> + +<p>"But look here—do I look like the +kind of man who plays tricks? Here +is my card and my club address. And +letters"—I tore one out of an envelope, +but it was the one from Mosbyson's +reminding me that they had already +applied twice for payment—"but letters +are of little use to identify one."</p> + +<p>"They are," he agreed.</p> + +<p>"The fact is, among other things, I +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page437" id="page437"></a>[pg 437]</span> +want to buy another print which I +have just caught sight of. It may be +snapped up at any moment, like the +one I snapped up yesterday."</p> + +<p>"Let it go. It's probably a fake."</p> + +<p>"Which one?" I said hotly. "The +one I bought yesterday or the one I'm +going to buy?"</p> + +<p>"Both. But I can't cash your cheque."</p> + +<p>"But look at the mess I'll be in. +Would you have me pawn my watch?"</p> + +<p>"I would not; neither would I have +you not do so, if you take my meaning."</p> + +<p>"I see," I said bitterly. "In plain +words you are indifferent to my fate."</p> + +<p>He smiled slightly and reached for a +match to re-light his pipe.</p> + +<p>My blood was up. I would not be +defied by this man; at least, not completely. +"Very well," I said coldly, "I +will leave my cheque for ten pounds +with you and take only a couple on +account."</p> + +<p>"I couldn't do that either."</p> + +<p>"Well, a pound will have to do then."</p> + +<p>"No."</p> + +<p>"Then," I said in despair, "we come +to the ridiculously small amount of +eighteenpence. Ha, ha!"</p> + +<p>"And that," he answered, "would +be equally objectionable."</p> + +<p>I started. "Come," I said, "you are +human after all. You can quote at +random from <span class="sc">Dickens</span>. You read him?"</p> + +<p>"I do. When not engaged in business +pursuits." He looked anxiously +at the clock.</p> + +<p>"Who was <i>Mrs. Chickenstalker</i>?" I +asked sternly.</p> + +<p>"She kept a shop. In <i>The Haunted +Man</i>."</p> + +<p>"Whom did <i>Mr. Wopsle</i> marry?"</p> + +<p>"Nobody. But hadn't you better see +about your watch?"</p> + +<p>"Not yet. How many glasses of +punch did <i>Mr. Pickwick</i> drink on One +Tree Hill?"</p> + +<p>"Depends on how you count them. +I make it eight."</p> + +<p>"Correct. Look here—have you +thought about the bagman's story—the +first one? He says it is eighty years +since the events he relates took place, +and that would carry it back to 1747. +And yet the traveller damns his straps +and whiskers. Why, if he'd worn +strapped trousers and whiskers in those +days he'd have had a mob after him."</p> + +<p>"Yes, and he wouldn't have been +driving a gig on Marlborough downs. +He'd have been riding with pistols in +his holsters, wrapped in a horseman's +cloak and wearing a plain bobwig. +I've thought of that too."</p> + +<p>"I see you have. But there's +another—"</p> + +<p>"Let me. Can you account for this? +<i>Martin Chuzzlewit</i> left <i>Mr. Pecksniff's</i> +house in the late autumn—say the last +of November to be on the safe side. +He stays five weeks in London and +then goes to America—say another five +weeks. Then, after a week in <i>Major +Pawkins</i>' boarding-house, he goes to a +place which is identified as the original +site of Cairo, Illinois—say another +week. This would land him there at +the end of February, when everything +is frozen stiff. But they travelled down +the river in a heat that blistered everything +it touched."</p> + +<p>"No," I said jealously, "I have not +thought of that. Wonderful, isn't it, +how one likes to catch <span class="sc">Dickens</span> in a +mistake? Like having a joke on a +good old friend."</p> + +<p>"Exactly," he said ardently, "I wish +I had more time—"</p> + +<p>"If you're free this evening come +and dine with me at the 'Bull.' At +about eight, if you can."</p> + +<p>"I'd like to very much. Thanks. +I'll come."</p> + +<p>"I've thought of two more," I said; +"but I'll go now, as you must be busy, +so good-bye for the present. A bit +before eight."</p> + +<p>"I'll be there. I am rather busy +just now. Good morning." He rang +the bell. "Oh, Mr. Jounce," he said to +the underling who appeared, "will you +please cash this gentleman's cheque?"</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/437.png"><img src="images/437-600.png" width="600" height="376" alt="Cook. 'In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' But I have had colleagues'." /></a> +<p><i>Lady (to applicant for situation as cook).</i> "<span class="sc">Have +you been accustomed to have a kitchen-maid under you</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Cook.</i> "<span class="sc">In these days we never speak of having people 'under us.' +But I have had colleagues</span>."</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page438" id="page438"></a>[pg 438]</span> + + +<h3>AN UNLIKELY STORY</h3>. + +<p>I am hoping very much that this +story will, as Agony Column advertisements +put it, meet the eye of a certain +Professor at a certain Academy of Music. +Of course I might tell it to him myself, +as he happens to be my Professor, at +least from 7 to 7.45 on Friday evenings; +but it is a story which involves a +great deal of explanation and, well—things +on the whole get believed better +in print.</p> + +<p>To be quite frank I did begin telling +him at the time, but I saw that the +first two words had destroyed his faith +in the rest of it. I don't really blame +him, for it began with "my cleaner," +and I don't suppose that he has the +ghost of an idea that, if you teach +cooking, as I do, under the London +County Council, they kindly keep a +charlady to wash up for you and so on, +and they call her a "cleaner."</p> + +<p>The Professor is a very bad listener. +I might have managed to explain to +him what a cleaner is, but I never could +have made him see why she was having +tea with me, so I gave it up.</p> + +<p>Really it is so simple. She lives at +Cambridge Heath; I live at Croydon, +which doesn't sound as countrified +but is really so much nicer that no +Croydon people who knew Cambridge +Heathers could help asking them to +tea at least once a year, when the +garden was at its best. My cleaner's +visit is always very delightful, because +she makes the garden seem at least +four times its usual size by sheer admiration; +but this year, just as she +was getting into her stride, it began to +rain, and we had to seek refuge by the +piano.</p> + +<p>We sang "Where the Bee Sucks" +and "Annie Laurie" very successfully, +and she at last unthawed to the extent +of remarking that she would give us a +"chune," though she "hadn't stood up" +to sing by herself "for donkey's ears." +Stipulating that someone should help +her out if the need arose, she investigated +the inside of the piano-stool where +the music lives, looking for a suitable +song, and made, to her horror, the discovery +that among all the odd pages it +contained there was not one that had +ever adhered to a piece called "The +Maxeema," nor yet to a song which +asks how someone is "Goin' to keep +'em down on the farm now they've +seen gay Paree?"</p> + +<p>The painful incident was passed over +at the time, "The Long Trail" being +discovered at the bottom of the pile +and satisfactorily negotiated, and I +forgot all about it until the next Friday +evening, when, just as I was about to +shake the dust of Cambridge Heath off +my shoes, my cleaner, rising from her +scrubbing, wiped her hands on her +apron, produced two large limp sheets +of white paper which resolved themselves +into the music I ought to have +had and hadn't, and pressed them upon +me with all the eagerness of a more +than cheerful giver.</p> + +<p>A kind of panic seized me, for on +Friday evenings I make the Academy of +Music as it were a half-way house on +my way home. Under the cleaner's +kind and beaming glance there was +nothing to do but put them into the +attaché case in which I carry my music +and try to believe that, wonderful man +as he is, even my Professor wouldn't +be able to see inside it when it was +shut, in fact that it only rested with +me to be quite sure that in his presence +I only took out Chopin and not the +gentleman who was interested in farming.</p> + +<p>And I managed nicely. I took out +the "Nocturnes" and shut the case up +again before the cleverest (and nicest) +of Professors could have guessed the +company they were keeping, and he +was graciously pleased to nod, instead +of shaking his head, for most of the +three-quarters of an hour. He really +must have been pleased with me, for +at 7.45 he told me that I showed +marked improvement, and then kept +me till 7.49 while he explained that a +<i>flair</i> for the best of music such as I exhibited +was both uncommon and, from +a Professor's point of view, exceeding +enjoyable. At 7.50—he, benign, I +blushful—we approached the attaché-case.</p> + +<p>"Allow me," said my Professor, +reaching for it to replace Chopin; but +I snatched it up before he could get it. +Like most truly great men he is a +little absent-minded, and he didn't seem +to notice anything, but just held out his +hand in farewell. But when my Professor +shakes hands it means more than +that; it means benediction, recognition, +salutation—lots of things; for it is +rumoured at the Academy that he never +bestows that honour on any save those +whom he regards as kindred spirits, +acolytes at the altar of Music, personalities, +not pupils.</p> + +<p>And then my attaché-case opened +itself quietly, after the manner of +attaché-cases, and laid "'Ow're you +goin' to keep 'em?" and "The Maxeema" +right side up, and their names in such +large print too, like an offering at his +wonderful feet. Trembling at the knees +I said:—</p> + +<p>"My cleaner gave them to me."</p> + +<p>But he looked at me and went on +looking, and that is why I hope so very +much that he will read this very unlikely +story.</p> + +<hr /> + +<h3>MORE PAY FOR M.P.'S.</h3><a name="rfootnote1" id="rfootnote1"></a> + +<p class="center">(<i>A perfectly horrible prospect.</i>)</p> + +<div class="poem"> +<div class="stanza"> +<p>If I were a Member of Parliament<a href="#footnote1"><sup>*</sup></a></p> +<p class="i2">On a most inadequate stipend,</p> +<p>Up in an attic and worn and spent</p> +<p>And wondering how to pay my rent,</p> +<p class="i2">And sucking an old clay pipe end,</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>I'd write to <span class="sc">Bonar</span> and Mr. <span class="sc">George</span>,</p> +<p class="i2">Or the party Whips that ran 'em,</p> +<p>"Unless you want me to steal or forge</p> +<p>You must make those Treasury blokes disgorge</p> +<p class="i2">A thousand at least per annum.</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Put it at that and make it free</p> +<p class="i2">From <span class="sc">Austen Chamberlain's</span> taxes,</p> +<p>For the glory withers that used to be</p> +<p>The sole reward of a stout M.P.</p> +<p class="i2">As the cost of everything waxes.</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>"What-not and Coalitionist</p> +<p class="i2">Equally crave the shilling</p> +<p>For a pot of beer or an ounce of twist</p> +<p>As they trudge to their homes through the mire and mist</p> +<p class="i2">From the long day's lobby-filling.</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Radical joins Conservative</p> +<p class="i2">In a concord wholly hearty,</p> +<p>Wanting to know if the State will give</p> +<p>An adequate wage upon which to live,</p> +<p class="i2">And so does the National Party.</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>"And the boots of the Labour Members creak</p> +<p class="i2">And a terrible ghastly pallor is</p> +<p>On the Wee Free face as it tries to speak;</p> +<p>But ah! what a change to each sunken cheek</p> +<p class="i2">If you put a bit more on our salaries!</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>"Shibboleths old to the wind we'd fling</p> +<p class="i2">And turn to the task that presses;</p> +<p>Sound reforms would go with a swing</p> +<p>And we might have a chance of lengthening</p> +<p class="i2">Those fearfully short recesses.</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p>"There'd be the chance to show your tact</p> +<p class="i2">In welding the hostile sections;</p> +<p>Sworn and sealed in a mighty pact</p> +<p>We'd put on the books the world's best Act</p> +<p>Abolishing all elections."</p></div> + <div class="stanza"> +<p class="i24"><span class="sc">Evoe</span>.</p> + </div> + </div> + +<a id="footnote1" name="footnote1"></a> +<p class="note"><b><sup>*</sup></b> This beautiful opening line is not original. +It is borrowed, with due acknowledgments, +from a once famous music-hall song. <a href="#rfootnote1"> (return) </a></p> + +<hr /> + +<p>From an article on "History without +Tears":—</p> + +<blockquote><p> +"There is no book that gives one a more +comprehensive idea of the character of the +Byzantine Empire, of the reasons for its decline +and its disappearance, than Scott's 'Count +Robert of Sicily.'" +</p></blockquote> + +<p>Except perhaps Wrongfellow's "King +Robert of Paris."</p> + +<hr /> +<span class="pagenum"><a name="page439" id="page439"></a>[pg 439]</span> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/439.png"><img src="images/439-600.png" width="600" height="400" alt="A fellow came up to me at the meet and said, 'Cap, half-a-crown, please." /></a> +<p><i>Sportsman (who has mounted boy for his first hunt in +Ireland</i>). "<span class="sc">Well, how did you get on</span>?"</p> +<p><i>Boy.</i> "<span class="sc">First-rate, thank you. I'll go in a hard hat next time, +though. A fellow came up to me at the meet and +said, 'Cap, half-a-crown, please</span>.'"</p> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + + +<h3>OUR BOOKING-OFFICE.</h3> + +<h4>(<i>By Mr. Punch's Staff of Learned Clerks.</i>)</h4> + +<p>A new novel by <span class="sc">Anthony Hope</span> certainly deserves in +these days to be considered a literary event of some importance. +His <i>Lucinda</i> (<span class="sc">Hutchinson</span>) seems to me both +in plot and treatment equal to the best of his work; as +dignified and yet as lightly handled as anything he has +given us in the past. The plot (which I must not betray) +is excellent. From the moment when <i>Julius</i>, the narrator, +making his leisurely way to the wedding of <i>Lucinda</i>, is +passed by her alone in a taxicab going in an opposite +direction, the interest of the intrigue never slackens. Into +an epoch of rather "over-ripe" and messy fiction this +essentially clean and well-ordered tale comes with an effect +very refreshing and tonic. <span class="sc">Anthony Hope's</span> characters +as ever are vigorously alive; in <i>Lucinda</i> herself he has +drawn a heroine as charming as any in that long gallery +that now stretches between her and the immortal <i>Dolly</i>. +In short, those novel-readers who are (shall I say?) beginning +to demand the respect due to middle age will enjoy in +these pages the threefold reward of present interest, retrospection +and a comforting sense that the literary judgment +of their generation is here triumphantly vindicated in the +eyes of unbelieving youth. What could be more pleasant?</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>It is a delight to welcome the <i>Life of Mrs. R. L. +Stevenson</i> (<span class="sc">Chatto and Windus</span>), not only for the exceptional +attraction of the environment in which she lived +for many years, but because under any circumstances she +would have been a remarkable woman. Once, when asked +to write her own life, she refused because it seemed to her +like "a dazed rush on a railroad express;" she despaired +of recovering "the incidental memories." So it fell to her +sister, Mrs. <span class="sc">Van De Grift Sanchez</span>, to undertake the task. +A difficult one, for there was always the fear that the personality +of Mrs. <span class="sc">Stevenson</span> might seem to be overshadowed +by that of her husband. But the author, in giving us many +interesting details about <span class="sc">Robert Louis Stevenson</span>, has been +careful to select for the most part only those in which his +wife was closely concerned. "In my sister's character," +she writes, "there were many strange contradictions, and +I think sometimes this was a part of her attraction, for +even after knowing her for years one could always count +on some surprise, some unexpected contrast which went far +in making up her fascinating personality." Contradictions +undoubtedly were to be found in her; thus during her +later years Mrs. <span class="sc">Stevenson</span> intensely desired quietness and +peace, and yet her love for change of scene never seemed +to abate; but she was constant in her devotion as a wife and +in her staunchness as a friend. Some excellent illustrations +are included in this volume, and the only fault I have to +find with it is that it lacks an index.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>In selecting his hero for <i>No Defence</i> (<span class="sc">Hodder and +Stoughton</span>) from the mutineers at the Nore, it may be +admitted that Sir <span class="sc">Gilbert Parker</span> displayed a certain +originality. With regard, to the <i>clou</i> of his plot, however, +I can hardly say so much. Melodramatic young lovers +have (in fiction) gone to prison and worse rather than +employ a defence involving distress to the ladies of their +choice, from ages untold. <i>Dyck Calhoon</i> did it when he was<span class="pagenum"><a name="page440" id="page440"></a>[pg 440]</span> +wrongly indicted for the killing of <i>Erris Boyne</i>, who was a +traitor in the pay of France and incidentally the father of +the heroine <i>Sheila</i>; though she knew nothing of this and +would have been badly worried if the hazards of a defended +murder case had brought it to light. Do you call the +motive sufficient? No more do I. However, <i>Dyck</i> goes +to prison, emerging just in time to join the fleet and +became a successful rebel under the Naval soviets established +by <span class="sc">Richard Parker</span>. Subsequently he takes his +ship into action on the legitimate side, earns the quasi-pardon +of exile on parole in Jamaica, finds a fortune of +Spanish treasure, quells a black rising, is cleared of the +murder charge (by the wholly preposterous arrival in the +island of the now aged lady who had really done the deed—exactly +like the <i>finale</i> of a <span class="sc">Gilbert</span> and Sullivan opera) +and marries the heroine. A breathless plot, by which, +however, my own pulse remained +unquickened. To +be brutally frank, indeed, +the telling seemed to me +wholly lacking in precisely +the qualities of dash and +crescendo required to carry +off such a tale. Costume romance +that halts and looks +backward soon loses my +following.</p> + +<hr /> + +<div class="figcenter" style="width: 600px;"> +<a href="images/440.png"><img src="images/440-600.png" width="400" height="450" alt="LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI." /></a> +<h4><i>LA BELLE DAME SANS MERCI.</i></h4> +</div><br /><br /> + +<hr /> + +<p>Airedales and collies, according +to Lieut.-Colonel <span class="sc">E. H. +Richardson</span>, are notable +for a truly remarkable and +admirable characteristic. +They would honestly rather +be at work than just playing +round. All the same, no one +guessed before the War what +they, and many other kinds +of dogs, were able and willing +to do for their country +in emergency on guard and +sentry duty, and, most of all, +as battle-field messengers. +Moreover it took the genius +of the man who of all the +world knows most of their +mind to discover it. His +book, <i>British War Dogs</i> +(<span class="sc">Skeffington</span>), is neither very brilliantly written nor +particularly well arranged (it contains quite a lot of repetitions and +a system of punctuation all its own), but it is of more than +average interest. The author details the training of war-dogs—literally +"all done by kindness"—and records many thrilling +exploits and heroisms of his friends. Further, he states +at some length some rather attractive views on dog metaphysics, +of which one need say no more than that, if you +wish to believe that your four-footed pal has a soul to be +saved as well as a body to be patted, here is high authority +to support you. I think what one misses all through these +pages is the dog's own story. Without it one never seems +to get quite to grips with the subject. What were <i>Major's</i> +thoughts and feelings, for instance, when carrying a message +twelve miles in an hour over all obstacles, dodging the shells +as he ran? Not even Colonel <span class="sc">Richardson</span> can find a way +to get a personal interview out of him.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>All the Scandinavian countries have in the last twenty-five +years produced novel-writers of power and distinction, +but with the single exception of the Swedish authoress, +<span class="sc">Selma Lagerlöf</span>, whose great novel, <i>Gosta Berling</i>, was +awarded the Nobel Prize, and the Norwegian, <span class="sc">Knut +Hamsun</span>, whose extremely unpleasant book, <i>Hunger</i>, was +published in this country a score of years ago, few if any of +them have been made accessible to the average English +reader. Now the Gyldendal Publishing Company of Copenhagen +has undertaken the neglected task of producing +English translations of the best Scandinavian fiction, the +latest of which is <i>Guest the One-Eyed</i>, by the Icelandic +novelist, <span class="sc">Gunnar Gunnarsson</span>. It is not a particularly +powerful narrative, and is marked by the characteristic +inconsequence that tends to convert the Scandinavian novel +into a mélange of family biographies; yet the author has +been successful in weaving into his chapters some of the +beauty and magic of his native land, lovely and forbidding +by turns, and the charm and simplicity of its people. So +when he makes <i>Ormarr +Orlygsson</i> fling away the +strenuous work of ten years +and a promising career as a +great violinist to return to +a pastoral life on his father's +Iceland estates, the step +seems neither strange nor +unnatural. So with the perfectly +villainous <i>Sera Ketill</i>, +who at the culmination of +unparalleled infamies suddenly +repents and becomes +the far-wandering and well-beloved +<i>Guest</i>, we do not +feel anything strained in the +author's assumption that in +Iceland, at any rate, such +things easily happen. <i>Guest +the One-Eyed</i> is not a noteworthy +novel in the sense +that <i>Gosta Berling</i> was. +Yet one would not have +missed reading it.</p> + +<hr /> + +<p>It is interesting to watch +heredity at play. Given +the inclination to write, +what kind of a first book +should we get from the son +of one of the most cultured +and sensitive classical +scholars and translators of this or any day and from +the grandson of the painter of the Legend of the Briar Rose? +The question is answered by Mr. <span class="sc">Denis Mackail's</span> <i>What +Next?</i> (<span class="sc">John Murray</span>), which on examination turns out to +be a farcical novel. The story has certain technical weaknesses, +but these are forgotten in the excitements of the +chase, for the main theme is the tracking down of a coarse +capitalist who defrauded the hero of his fortune and did +something very low against England. With the assistance +of a new character in fiction, a super-valet, justice is done +and we are all (except the coarse capitalist and his son) +extremely happy. Mr. <span class="sc">Mackail</span> has invented some excellent +scenes and he carries them off with gaiety and spirit. In his +second book (and for the answer to <i>What Next?</i> we shall +not, I imagine, have long to wait) he will amend certain +little faults, not the least of which is a tendency to give us +the most significant events in the form of retrospective narrative +instead of letting us see them as they occur.</p> + +<hr /> + +<blockquote><p> +"Bedroom Suite and a reasonable Piano Wanted."—<i>Provincial Paper.</i> +</p></blockquote> + +<p>It mustn't be "overstrung."</p> + +<hr /> + +<br /> + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume +159, December 1, 1920, by Various + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK PUNCH *** + +***** This file should be named 19105-h.htm or 19105-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/1/0/19105/ + +Produced by Lesley Halamek, Jonathan Ingram and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> + + + + + diff --git a/19105-h/images/421-600.png b/19105-h/images/421-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..e991703 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/421-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/421.png b/19105-h/images/421.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..de159a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/421.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/423-356.png b/19105-h/images/423-356.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d0fade5 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/423-356.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/423.png b/19105-h/images/423.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..424820f --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/423.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/424-600.png b/19105-h/images/424-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ae3f48d --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/424-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/424.png b/19105-h/images/424.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..823ba42 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/424.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/425-332.png b/19105-h/images/425-332.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..5d6e050 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/425-332.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/425.png b/19105-h/images/425.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3369b66 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/425.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/427-1-600.png b/19105-h/images/427-1-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c6509b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/427-1-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/427-2-600.png b/19105-h/images/427-2-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..d68fb6a --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/427-2-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/427-3-600.png b/19105-h/images/427-3-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..7ad78a2 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/427-3-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/427.png b/19105-h/images/427.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f13acca --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/427.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/428-600.png b/19105-h/images/428-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..70ac709 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/428-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/428.png b/19105-h/images/428.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..3464b7b --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/428.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/429-600.png b/19105-h/images/429-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0063f6e --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/429-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/429.png b/19105-h/images/429.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f25be28 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/429.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/430-600.png b/19105-h/images/430-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..1e274bd --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/430-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/430.png b/19105-h/images/430.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..0ac2a8f --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/430.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/431-357.png b/19105-h/images/431-357.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..712b82c --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/431-357.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/431.png b/19105-h/images/431.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..12f0290 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/431.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/433-1-250.png b/19105-h/images/433-1-250.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..435a197 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/433-1-250.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/433-1.png b/19105-h/images/433-1.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c42edd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/433-1.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/433-2-250.png b/19105-h/images/433-2-250.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..aaf0028 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/433-2-250.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/433-2.png b/19105-h/images/433-2.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c921cb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/433-2.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/434-250.png b/19105-h/images/434-250.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..22637bc --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/434-250.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/434.png b/19105-h/images/434.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..c5fe744 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/434.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/435-1-300.png b/19105-h/images/435-1-300.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6bcf65b --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/435-1-300.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/435-2-300.png b/19105-h/images/435-2-300.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..9de32fa --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/435-2-300.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/435.png b/19105-h/images/435.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..bc22a98 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/435.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/436-304.png b/19105-h/images/436-304.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3bbb32 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/436-304.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/436.png b/19105-h/images/436.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..73d1df3 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/436.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/437-600.png b/19105-h/images/437-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..589c100 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/437-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/437.png b/19105-h/images/437.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..36450e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/437.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/439-600.png b/19105-h/images/439-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..f3ecbef --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/439-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/439.png b/19105-h/images/439.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..6391e6e --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/439.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/440-600.png b/19105-h/images/440-600.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..ed5a840 --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/440-600.png diff --git a/19105-h/images/440.png b/19105-h/images/440.png Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..fa952be --- /dev/null +++ b/19105-h/images/440.png |
