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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/19094-8.txt b/19094-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..348bab4 --- /dev/null +++ b/19094-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2723 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Magic, by G.K. Chesterton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Magic + A Fantastic Comedy + +Author: G.K. Chesterton + +Release Date: August 21, 2006 [EBook #19094] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAGIC *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger, Brian Janes, Melissa Er-Raqabi +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +MAGIC +A FANTASTIC COMEDY + + + + +[Illustration: G.K. Chesterton +From a photograph] + + + + +MAGIC +A FANTASTIC COMEDY + +BY +G.K. CHESTERTON + + + + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK AND LONDON +The Knickerbocker Press +1913 + + + + +COPYRIGHT, 1913 +BY +G.K. CHESTERTON + + +The Knickerbocker Press, New York + + + + +THE CHARACTERS + +THE DUKE +DOCTOR GRIMTHORPE +THE REV. CYRIL SMITH +MORRIS CARLEON +HASTINGS, _the Duke's Secretary_ +THE STRANGER +PATRICIA CARLEON + +_The action takes place in the Duke's Drawing-room._ + + + + +NOTE + +THIS play was presented under the management of Kenelm Foss at The +Little Theatre, London, on November 7, 1913, with the following cast: + +THE STRANGER FRANKLIN DYALL +PATRICIA CARLEON MISS GRACE CROFT +THE REV. CYRIL SMITH O.P. HEGGIE +DR. GRIMTHORPE WILLIAM FARREN +THE DUKE FRED LEWIS +HASTINGS FRANK RANDELL +MORRIS CARLEON LYONEL WATTS + + + + +THE PRELUDE + + + SCENE: _A plantation of thin young trees, in a misty and rainy + twilight; some woodland blossom showing the patches on the earth + between the stems._ + + THE STRANGER _is discovered, a cloaked figure with a pointed hood. + His costume might belong to modern or any other time, and the + conical hood is so drawn over the head that little can be seen of + the face._ + + _A distant voice, a woman's, is heard, half-singing, half-chanting, + unintelligible words. The cloaked figure raises its head and + listens with interest. The song draws nearer and_ PATRICIA CARLEON + _enters. She is dark and slight, and has a dreamy expression. + Though she is artistically dressed, her hair is a little wild. She + has a broken branch of some flowering tree in her hand. She does + not notice the stranger, and though he has watched her with + interest, makes no sign. Suddenly she perceives him and starts + back._ + +PATRICIA. Oh! Who are you? + +STRANGER. Ah! Who am I? [_Commences to mutter to himself, and maps out +the ground with his staff._] + + I have a hat, but not to wear; + I wear a sword, but not to slay, + And ever in my bag I bear + A pack of cards, but not to play. + +PATRICIA. What are you? What are you saying? + +STRANGER. It is the language of the fairies, O daughter of Eve. + +PATRICIA. But I never thought fairies were like you. Why, you are taller +than I am. + +STRANGER. We are of such stature as we will. But the elves grow small, +not large, when they would mix with mortals. + +PATRICIA. You mean they are beings greater than we are. + +STRANGER. Daughter of men, if you would see a fairy as he truly is, look +for his head above all the stars and his feet amid the floors of the +sea. Old women have taught you that the fairies are too small to be +seen. But I tell you the fairies are too mighty to be seen. For they are +the elder gods before whom the giants were like pigmies. They are the +Elemental Spirits, and any one of them is larger than the world. And you +look for them in acorns and on toadstools and wonder that you never see +them. + +PATRICIA. But you come in the shape and size of a man? + +STRANGER. Because I would speak with a woman. + +PATRICIA. [_Drawing back in awe._] I think you are growing taller as you +speak. + + [_The scene appears to fade away, and give place to the milieu of_ + ACT ONE, _the Duke's drawing-room, an apartment with open French + windows or any opening large enough to show a garden and one house + fairly near. It is evening, and there is a red lamp lighted in the + house beyond. The_ REV. CYRIL SMITH _is sitting with hat and + umbrella beside him, evidently a visitor. He is a young man with + the highest of High Church dog-collars and all the qualities of a + restrained fanatic. He is one of the Christian Socialist sort and + takes his priesthood seriously. He is an honest man, and not an + ass._ + +[_To him enters_ MR. HASTINGS _with papers in his hand._ + +HASTINGS. Oh, good evening. You are Mr. Smith. [_Pause._] I mean you are +the Rector, I think. + +SMITH. I am the Rector. + +HASTINGS. I am the Duke's secretary. His Grace asks me to say that he +hopes to see you very soon; but he is engaged just now with the Doctor. + +SMITH. Is the Duke ill? + +HASTINGS. [_Laughing._] Oh, no; the Doctor has come to ask him to help +some cause or other. The Duke is never ill. + +SMITH. Is the Doctor with him now? + +HASTINGS. Why, strictly speaking, he is not. The Doctor has gone over +the road to fetch a paper connected with his proposal. But he hasn't far +to go, as you can see. That's his red lamp at the end of his grounds. + +SMITH. Yes, I know. I am much obliged to you. I will wait as long as is +necessary. + +HASTINGS. [_Cheerfully._] Oh, it won't be very long. + + [_Exit._ + + [_Enter by the garden doors_ DR. GRIMTHORPE _reading an open paper. + He is an old-fashioned practitioner, very much of a gentleman and + very carefully dressed in a slightly antiquated style. He is about + sixty years old and might have been a friend of Huxley's._ + +DOCTOR. [_Folding up the paper._] I beg your pardon, sir, I did not +notice there was anyone here. + +SMITH. [_Amicably._] I beg yours. A new clergyman cannot expect to be +expected. I only came to see the Duke about some local affairs. + +DOCTOR. [_Smiling._] And so, oddly enough, did I. But I suppose we +should both like to get hold of him by a separate ear. + +SMITH. Oh, there's no disguise as far as I'm concerned. I've joined this +league for starting a model public-house in the parish; and in plain +words, I've come to ask his Grace for a subscription to it. + +DOCTOR. [_Grimly._] And, as it happens, I have joined in the petition +against the erection of a model public-house in this parish. The +similarity of our position grows with every instant. + +SMITH. Yes, I think we must have been twins. + +DOCTOR. [_More good-humouredly._] Well, what is a model public-house? Do +you mean a toy? + +SMITH. I mean a place where Englishmen can get decent drink and drink it +decently. Do you call that a toy? + +DOCTOR. No; I should call that a conjuring trick. Or, in apology to your +cloth, I will say a miracle. + +SMITH. I accept the apology to my cloth. I am doing my duty as a priest. +How can the Church have a right to make men fast if she does not allow +them to feast? + +DOCTOR. [_Bitterly._] And when you have done feasting them, you will +send them to me to be cured. + +SMITH. Yes; and when you've done curing them you'll send them to me to +be buried. + +DOCTOR. [_After a pause, laughing._] Well, you have all the old +doctrines. It is only fair you should have all the old jokes too. + +SMITH. [_Laughing also._] By the way, you call it a conjuring trick that +poor people should drink moderately. + +DOCTOR. I call it a chemical discovery that alcohol is not a food. + +SMITH. You don't drink wine yourself? + +DOCTOR. [_Mildly startled._] Drink wine! Well--what else is there to +drink? + +SMITH. So drinking decently is a conjuring trick that you can do, +anyhow? + +DOCTOR. [_Still good-humouredly._] Well, well, let us hope so. Talking +about conjuring tricks, there is to be conjuring and all kinds of things +here this afternoon. + +SMITH. Conjuring? Indeed? Why is that? + + _Enter_ HASTINGS _with a letter in each hand._ + +HASTINGS. His Grace will be with you presently. He asked me to deal with +the business matter first of all. + + [_He gives a note to each of them._ + +SMITH. [_Turning eagerly to the_ DOCTOR.] But this is rather splendid. +The Duke's given £50 to the new public-house. + +HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal. + + [_Collects papers._ + +DOCTOR. [_Examining his cheque._] Very. But this is rather curious. He +has also given £50 to the league for opposing the new public-house. + +HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal-minded. + + [_Exit._ + +SMITH. [_Staring at his cheque._] Liberal-minded!... Absent-minded, I +should call it. + +DOCTOR. [_Sitting down and lighting a cigar._] Well, yes. The Duke does +suffer a little from absence [_puts his cigar in his mouth and pulls +during the pause_] of mind. He is all for compromise. Don't you know the +kind of man who, when you talk to him about the five best breeds of dog, +always ends up by buying a mongrel? The Duke is the kindest of men, and +always trying to please everybody. He generally finishes by pleasing +nobody. + +SMITH. Yes; I think I know the sort of thing. + +DOCTOR. Take this conjuring, for instance. You know the Duke has two +wards who are to live with him now? + +SMITH. Yes. I heard something about a nephew and niece from Ireland. + +DOCTOR. The niece came from Ireland some months ago, but the nephew +comes back from America to-night. [_He gets up abruptly and walks about +the room._] I think I will tell you all about it. In spite of your +precious public-house you seem to me to be a sane man. And I fancy I +shall want all the sane men I can get to-night. + +SMITH. [_Rising also._] I am at your service. Do you know, I rather +guessed you did not come here only to protest against my precious +public-house. + +DOCTOR. [_Striding about in subdued excitement._] Well, you guessed +right. I was family physician to the Duke's brother in Ireland. I knew +the family pretty well. + +SMITH. [_Quietly._] I suppose you mean you knew something odd about the +family? + +DOCTOR. Well, they saw fairies and things of that sort. + +SMITH. And I suppose, to the medical mind, seeing fairies means much the +same as seeing snakes? + +DOCTOR. [_With a sour smile._] Well, they saw them in Ireland. I suppose +it's quite correct to see fairies in Ireland. It's like gambling at +Monte Carlo. It's quite respectable. But I do draw the line at their +seeing fairies in England. I do object to their bringing their ghosts +and goblins and witches into the poor Duke's own back garden and within +a yard of my own red lamp. It shows a lack of tact. + +SMITH. But I do understand that the Duke's nephew and niece see witches +and fairies between here and your lamp. + + [_He walks to the garden window and looks out._ + +DOCTOR. Well, the nephew has been in America. It stands to reason you +can't see fairies in America. But there is this sort of superstition in +the family, and I am not easy in my mind about the girl. + +SMITH. Why, what does she do? + +DOCTOR. Oh, she wanders about the park and the woods in the evenings. +Damp evenings for choice. She calls it the Celtic twilight. I've no use +for the Celtic twilight myself. It has a tendency to get on the chest. +But what is worse, she is always talking about meeting somebody, some +elf or wizard or something. I don't like it at all. + +SMITH. Have you told the Duke? + +DOCTOR. [_With a grim smile._] Oh, yes, I told the Duke. The result was +the conjurer. + +SMITH. [_With amazement._] The _conjurer_? + +DOCTOR. [_Puts down his cigar in the ash-tray._] The Duke is +indescribable. He will be here presently, and you shall judge for +yourself. Put two or three facts or ideas before him, and the thing he +makes out of them is always something that seems to have nothing to do +with it. Tell any other human being about a girl dreaming of the fairies +and her practical brother from America, and he would settle it in some +obvious way and satisfy some one: send her to America or let her have +her fairies in Ireland. Now the Duke thinks a conjurer would just meet +the case. I suppose he vaguely thinks it would brighten things up, and +somehow satisfy the believers' interest in supernatural things and the +unbelievers' interest in smart things. As a matter of fact the +unbeliever thinks the conjurer's a fraud, and the believer thinks he's a +fraud, too. The conjurer satisfies nobody. That is why he satisfies the +Duke. + + [_Enter the_ DUKE, _with_ HASTINGS, _carrying papers. The_ DUKE _is + a healthy, hearty man in tweeds, with a rather wandering eye. In + the present state of the peerage it is necessary to explain that + the_ DUKE, _though an ass, is a gentleman._ + +DUKE. Good-morning, Mr. Smith. So sorry to have kept you waiting, but +we're rather in a rush to-day. [_Turns to_ HASTINGS, _who has gone over +to a table with the papers._] You know Mr. Carleon is coming this +afternoon? + +HASTINGS. Yes, your Grace. His train will be in by now. I have sent the +trap. + +DUKE. Thank you. [_Turning to the other two._] My nephew, Dr. +Grimthorpe, Morris, you know, Miss Carleon's brother from America. I +hear he's been doing great things out there. Petrol, or something. Must +move with the times, eh? + +DOCTOR. I'm afraid Mr. Smith doesn't always agree with moving with the +times. + +DUKE. Oh, come, come! Progress, you know, progress! Of course I know how +busy you are; you mustn't overwork yourself, you know. Hastings was +telling me you laughed over those subscriptions of mine. Well, well, I +believe in looking at both sides of a question, you know. Aspects, as +old Buffle called them. Aspects. [_With an all-embracing gesture of the +arm._] You represent the tendency to drink in moderation, and you do +good in _your_ way. The Doctor represents the tendency not to drink at +all; and he does good in _his_ way. We can't be Ancient Britons, you +know. + + [_A prolonged and puzzled silence, such as always follows the more + abrupt of the_ DUKE'S _associations or disassociations of thought._ + +SMITH. [_At last, faintly._] Ancient Britons.... + +DOCTOR. [_To_ SMITH _in a low voice._] Don't bother. It's only his +broad-mindedness. + +DUKE. [_With unabated cheerfulness._] I saw the place you're putting up +for it, Mr. Smith. Very good work. Very good work, indeed. Art for the +people, eh? I particularly liked that woodwork over the west door--I'm +glad to see you're using the new sort of graining ... why, it all +reminds one of the French Revolution. + + [_Another silence. As the_ DUKE _lounges alertly about the room_, + SMITH _speaks to the_ DOCTOR _in an undertone._ + +SMITH. Does it remind you of the French Revolution? + +DOCTOR. As much as of anything else. His Grace never reminds me of +anything. + + [_A young and very high American voice is heard calling in the + garden. "Say, could somebody see to one of these trunks?"_ + + [MR. HASTINGS _goes out into the garden. He returns with_ MORRIS + CARLEON, _a very young man: hardly more than a boy, but with very + grown-up American dress and manners. He is dark, smallish, and + active; and the racial type under his Americanism is Irish._ + +MORRIS. [_Humorously, as he puts in his head at the window._] See here, +does a Duke live here? + +DOCTOR. [_Who is nearest to him, with great gravity._] Yes, only one. + +MORRIS. I reckon he's the one I want, anyhow. I'm his nephew. + + [_The_ DUKE, _who is ruminating in the foreground, with one eye + rather off, turns at the voice and shakes_ MORRIS _warmly by the + hand._ + +DUKE. Delighted to see you, my dear boy. I hear you've been doing very +well for yourself. + +MORRIS. [_Laughing._] Well, pretty well, Duke; and better still for Paul +T. Vandam, I guess. I manage the old man's mines out in Arizona, you +know. + +DUKE. [_Shaking his head sagaciously._] Ah, very go-ahead man! Very +go-ahead methods, I'm told. Well, I dare say he does a great deal of +good with his money. And we can't go back to the Spanish Inquisition. + + [_Silence, during which the three men look at each other._ + +MORRIS. [_Abruptly._] And how's Patricia? + +DUKE. [_A little hazily._] Oh, she's very well, I think. She.... + + [_He hesitates slightly._ + +MORRIS. [_Smiling._] Well, then, where's Patricia? + + [_There is a slightly embarrassed pause, and the_ DOCTOR _speaks._ + +DOCTOR. Miss Carleon is walking about the grounds, I think. + + [MORRIS _goes to the garden doors and looks out._ + +MORRIS. It's a mighty chilly night to choose. Does my sister commonly +select such evenings to take the air--and the damp? + +DOCTOR. [_After a pause._] If I may say so, I quite agree with you. I +have often taken the liberty of warning your sister against going out in +all weathers like this. + +DUKE. [_Expansively waving his hands about._] The artist temperament! +What I always call the artistic temperament! Wordsworth, you know, and +all that. + + [_Silence._ + +MORRIS. [_Staring._] All what? + +DUKE. [_Continuing to lecture with enthusiasm._] Why, everything's +temperament, you know! It's her temperament to see the fairies. It's my +temperament not to see the fairies. Why, I've walked all round the +grounds twenty times and never saw a fairy. Well, it's like that about +this wizard or whatever she calls it. For her there is somebody there. +For us there would not be somebody there. Don't you see? + +MORRIS. [_Advancing excitedly._] Somebody there! What do you mean? + +DUKE. [_Airily._] Well, you can't quite call it a man. + +MORRIS. [_Violently._] A man! + +DUKE. Well, as old Buffle used to say, what is a man? + +MORRIS. [_With a strong rise of the American accent._] With your +permission, Duke, I eliminate old Buffle. Do you mean that anybody has +had the tarnation coolness to suggest that some man.... + +DUKE. Oh, not a _man_, you know. A magician, something mythical, you +know. + +SMITH. Not a _man_, but a medicine man. + +DOCTOR. [_Grimly._] I am a medicine man. + +MORRIS. And you don't look mythical, Doc. + + [_He bites his finger and begins to pace restlessly up and down the + room._ + +DUKE. Well, you know, the artistic temperament.... + +MORRIS. [_Turning suddenly._] See here, Duke! In most commercial ways +we're a pretty forward country. In these moral ways we're content to be +a pretty backward country. And if you ask me whether I like my sister +walking about the woods on a night like this! Well, I don't. + +DUKE. I am afraid you Americans aren't so advanced as I'd hoped. Why! as +old Buffle used to say.... + + [_As he speaks a distant voice is heard singing in the garden; it + comes nearer and nearer, and_ SMITH _turns suddenly to the_ DOCTOR. + +SMITH. Whose voice is that? + +DOCTOR. It is no business of mine to decide! + +MORRIS. [_Walking to the window._] You need not trouble. I know who it +is. + + _Enter_ PATRICIA CARLEON + +[_Still agitated._] Patricia, where have you been? + +PATRICIA. [_Rather wearily._] Oh! in Fairyland. + +DOCTOR. [_Genially._] And whereabouts is that? + +PATRICIA. It's rather different from other places. It's either nowhere +or it's wherever you are. + +MORRIS. [_Sharply._] Has it any inhabitants? + +PATRICIA. Generally only two. Oneself and one's shadow. But whether he +is my shadow or I am his shadow is never found out. + +MORRIS. He? Who? + +PATRICIA. [_Seeming to understand his annoyance for the first time, and +smiling._] Oh, you needn't get conventional about it, Morris. He is not +a mortal. + +MORRIS. What's his name? + +PATRICIA. We have no names there. You never really know anybody if you +know his name. + +MORRIS. What does he look like? + +PATRICIA. I have only met him in the twilight. He seems robed in a long +cloak, with a peaked cap or hood like the elves in my nursery stories. +Sometimes when I look out of the window here, I see him passing round +this house like a shadow; and see his pointed hood, dark against the +sunset or the rising of the moon. + +SMITH. What does he talk about? + +PATRICIA. He tells me the truth. Very many true things. He is a wizard. + +MORRIS. How do you know he's a wizard? I suppose he plays some tricks on +you. + +PATRICIA. I should know he was a wizard if he played no tricks. But once +he stooped and picked up a stone and cast it into the air, and it flew +up into God's heaven like a bird. + +MORRIS. Was that what first made you think he was a wizard? + +PATRICIA. Oh, no. When I first saw him he was tracing circles and +pentacles in the grass and talking the language of the elves. + +MORRIS. [_Sceptically._] Do you know the language of the elves? + +PATRICIA. Not until I heard it. + +MORRIS. [_Lowering his voice as if for his sister, but losing patience +so completely that he talks much louder than he imagines._] See here, +Patricia, I reckon this kind of thing is going to be the limit. I'm just +not going to have you let in by some blamed tramp or fortune-teller +because you choose to read minor poetry about the fairies. If this gipsy +or whatever he is troubles you again.... + +DOCTOR. [_Putting his hand on_ MORRIS'S _shoulder._] Come, you must +allow a little more for poetry. We can't all feed on nothing but petrol. + +DUKE. Quite right, quite right. And being Irish, don't you know, Celtic, +as old Buffle used to say, charming songs, you know, about the Irish +girl who has a plaid shawl--and a Banshee. [_Sighs profoundly._] Poor +old Gladstone! + + [_Silence as usual._ + +SMITH. [_Speaking to_ DOCTOR.] I thought you yourself considered the +family superstition bad for the health? + +DOCTOR. I consider a family superstition is better for the health than a +family quarrel. [_He walks casually across to_ PATRICIA.] Well, it must +be nice to be young and still see all those stars and sunsets. We old +buffers won't be too strict with you if your view of things sometimes +gets a bit--mixed up, shall we say? If the stars get loose about the +grass by mistake; or if, once or twice, the sunset gets into the east. +We should only say, "Dream as much as you like. Dream for all mankind. +Dream for us who can dream no longer. But do not quite forget the +difference." + +PATRICIA. What difference? + +DOCTOR. The difference between the things that are beautiful and the +things that are there. That red lamp over my door isn't beautiful; but +it's there. You might even come to be glad it is there, when the stars +of gold and silver have faded. I am an old man now, but some men are +still glad to find my red star. I do not say they are the wise men. + +PATRICIA. [_Somewhat affected._] Yes, I know you are good to everybody. +But don't you think there may be floating and spiritual stars which will +last longer than the red lamps? + +SMITH. [_With decision._] Yes. But they are fixed stars. + +DOCTOR. The red lamp will last my time. + +DUKE. Capital! Capital! Why, it's like Tennyson. [_Silence._] I remember +when I was an undergrad.... + + [_The red light disappears; no one sees it at first except_ + PATRICIA, _who points excitedly._ + +MORRIS. What's the matter? + +PATRICIA. The red star is gone. + +MORRIS. Nonsense! [_Rushes to the garden doors._] It's only somebody +standing in front of it. Say, Duke, there's somebody standing in the +garden. + +PATRICIA. [_Calmly._] I told you he walked about the garden. + +MORRIS. If it's that fortune-teller of yours.... + + [_Disappears into the garden, followed by the_ DOCTOR. + +DUKE. [_Staring._] Somebody in the garden! Really, this Land +Campaign.... + + [_Silence._ + + [MORRIS _reappears rather breathless._ + +MORRIS. A spry fellow, your friend. He slipped through my hands like a +shadow. + +PATRICIA. I told you he was a shadow. + +MORRIS. Well, I guess there's going to be a shadow hunt. Got a lantern, +Duke? + +PATRICIA. Oh, you need not trouble. He will come if I call him. + + [_She goes out into the garden and calls out some half-chanted and + unintelligible words, somewhat like the song preceding her + entrance. The red light reappears; and there is a slight sound as + of fallen leaves shuffled by approaching feet. The cloaked_ + STRANGER _with the pointed hood is seen standing outside the garden + doors._ + +PATRICIA. You may enter all doors. + + [_The figure comes into the room_ + +MORRIS. [_Shutting the garden doors behind him._] Now, see here, wizard, +we've got you. And we know you're a fraud. + +SMITH. [_Quietly._] Pardon me, I do not fancy that we know that. For +myself I must confess to something of the Doctor's agnosticism. + +MORRIS. [_Excited, and turning almost with a snarl._] I didn't know you +parsons stuck up for any fables but your own. + +SMITH. I stick up for the thing every man has a right to. Perhaps the +only thing that every man has a right to. + +MORRIS. And what is that? + +SMITH. The benefit of the doubt. Even your master, the petroleum +millionaire, has a right to that. And I think he needs it more. + +MORRIS. I don't think there's much doubt about the question, Minister. +I've met this sort of fellow often enough--the sort of fellow who +wheedles money out of girls by telling them he can make stones +disappear. + +DOCTOR. [_To the_ STRANGER.] Do you say you can make stones disappear? + +STRANGER. Yes. I can make stones disappear. + +MORRIS. [_Roughly._] I reckon you're the kind of tough who knows how to +make a watch and chain disappear. + +STRANGER. Yes; I know how to make a watch and chain disappear. + +MORRIS. And I should think you were pretty good at disappearing +yourself. + +STRANGER. I have done such a thing. + +MORRIS. [_With a sneer._] Will you disappear now? + +STRANGER. [_After reflection._] No, I think I'll appear instead. [_He +throws back his hood, showing the head of an intellectual-looking man, +young but rather worn. Then he unfastens his cloak and throws it off, +emerging in complete modern evening dress. He advances down the room +towards the_ DUKE, _taking out his watch as he does so._] Good-evening, +your Grace. I'm afraid I'm rather too early for the performance. But +this gentleman [_with a gesture towards_ MORRIS] seemed rather impatient +for it to begin. + +DUKE. [_Rather at a loss._] Oh, good-evening. Why, really--are you +the...? + +STRANGER. [_Bowing._] Yes. I am the Conjurer. + + [_There is general laughter, except from_ PATRICIA. _As the others + mingle in talk, the_ STRANGER _goes up to her._ + +STRANGER. [_Very sadly._] I am very sorry I am not a wizard. + +PATRICIA. I wish you were a thief instead. + +STRANGER. Have I committed a worse crime than thieving? + +PATRICIA. You have committed the cruellest crime, I think, that there +is. + +STRANGER. And what is the cruellest crime? + +PATRICIA. Stealing a child's toy. + +STRANGER. And what have I stolen? + +PATRICIA. A fairy tale. + + + CURTAIN + + + + +ACT II + + + _The same room lighted more brilliantly an hour later in the + evening. On one side a table covered with packs of cards, pyramids, + etc., at which the_ CONJURER _in evening dress is standing quietly + setting out his tricks. A little more in the foreground the_ DUKE; + _and_ HASTINGS _with a number of papers._ + +HASTINGS. There are only a few small matters. Here are the programmes of +the entertainment your Grace wanted. Mr. Carleon wishes to see them very +much. + +DUKE. Thanks, thanks. [_Takes the programmes._] + +HASTINGS. Shall I carry them for your Grace? + +DUKE. No, no; I shan't forget, I shan't forget. Why, you've no idea how +businesslike I am. We have to be, you know. [_Vaguely._] I know you're a +bit of a Socialist; but I assure you there's a good deal to do--stake +in the country, and all that. Look at remembering faces now! The King +never forgets faces. [_Waves the programmes about._] I never forget +faces. [_Catches sight of the_ CONJURER _and genially draws him into the +discussion._] Why, the Professor here who performs before the King +[_puts down the programmes_]--you see it on the caravans, you +know--performs before the King almost every night, I suppose.... + +CONJURER. [_Smiling._] I sometimes let his Majesty have an evening off. +And turn my attention, of course, to the very highest nobility. But +naturally I have performed before every sovereign potentate, white and +black. There never was a conjurer who hadn't. + +DUKE. That's right, that's right! And you'll say with me that the great +business for a King is remembering people? + +CONJURER. I should say it was remembering which people to remember. + +DUKE. Well, well, now.... [_Looks round rather wildly for something._] +Being really businesslike.... + +HASTINGS. Shall I take the programmes for your Grace? + +DUKE. [_Picking them up._] No, no, I shan't forget. Is there anything +else? + +HASTINGS. I have to go down the village about the wire to Stratford. The +only other thing at all urgent is the Militant Vegetarians. + +DUKE. Ah! The Militant Vegetarians! You've heard of them, I'm sure. +Won't obey the law [_to the_ CONJURER] so long as the Government serves +out meat. + +CONJURER. Let them be comforted. There are a good many people who don't +get much meat. + +DUKE. Well, well, I'm bound to say they're very enthusiastic. Advanced, +too--oh, certainly advanced. Like Joan of Arc. + + [_Short silence, in which the_ CONJURER _stares at him._] + +CONJURER. _Was_ Joan of Arc a Vegetarian? + +DUKE. Oh, well, it's a very high ideal, after all. The Sacredness of +Life, you know--the Sacredness of Life. [_Shakes his head._] But they +carry it too far. They killed a policeman down in Kent. + +CONJURER. Killed a policeman? How Vegetarian! Well, I suppose it was, so +long as they didn't eat him. + +HASTINGS. They are asking only for small subscriptions. Indeed, they +prefer to collect a large number of half-crowns, to prove the popularity +of their movement. But I should advise.... + +DUKE. Oh, give them three shillings, then. + +HASTINGS. If I might suggest.... + +DUKE. Hang it all! We gave the Anti-Vegetarians three shillings. It +seems only fair. + +HASTINGS. If I might suggest anything, I think your Grace will be wise +not to subscribe in this case. The Anti-Vegetarians have already used +their funds to form gangs ostensibly to protect their own meetings. And +if the Vegetarians use theirs to break up the meetings--well, it will +look rather funny that we have paid roughs on both sides. It will be +rather difficult to explain when it comes before the magistrate. + +DUKE. But I shall be the magistrate. [CONJURER _stares at him again._] +That's the system, my dear Hastings, that's the advantage of the system. +Not a logical system--no Rousseau in it--but see how well it works! I +shall be the very best magistrate that could be on the Bench. The others +would be biassed, you know. Old Sir Lawrence is a Vegetarian himself; +and might be hard on the Anti-Vegetarian roughs. Colonel Crashaw would +be sure to be hard on the Vegetarian roughs. But if I've paid both of +'em, of course I shan't be hard on either of 'em--and there you have it. +Just perfect impartiality. + +HASTINGS. [_Restrainedly._] Shall I take the programmes, your Grace? + +DUKE. [_Heartily._] No, no; I won't forget 'em. [_Exit_ HASTINGS.] Well, +Professor, what's the news in the conjuring world? + +CONJURER. I fear there is never any news in the conjuring world. + +DUKE. Don't you have a newspaper or something? Everybody has a newspaper +now, you know. The--er--Daily Sword-Swallower or that sort of thing? + +CONJURER. No, I have been a journalist myself; but I think journalism +and conjuring will always be incompatible. + +DUKE. Incompatible--Oh, but that's where I differ--that's where I take +larger views! Larger laws, as old Buffle said. Nothing's _incompatible_, +you know--except husband and wife and so on; you must talk to Morris +about that. It's wonderful the way incompatibility has gone forward in +the States. + +CONJURER. I only mean that the two trades rest on opposite principles. +The whole point of being a conjurer is that you won't explain a thing +that has happened. + +DUKE. Well, and the journalist? + +CONJURER. Well, the whole point of being a journalist is that you do +explain a thing that hasn't happened. + +DUKE. But you'll want somewhere to discuss the new tricks. + +CONJURER. There are no new tricks. And if there were we shouldn't want +'em discussed. + +DUKE. I'm afraid you're not _really_ advanced. Are you interested in +modern progress? + +CONJURER. Yes. We are interested in all tricks done by illusion. + +DUKE. Well, well, I must go and see how Morris is. Pleasure of seeing +you later. + + [_Exit_ DUKE, _leaving the programmes._ + +CONJURER. Why are nice men such asses? [_Turns to arrange the table._] +That seems all right. The pack of cards that is a pack of cards. And the +pack of cards that isn't a pack of cards. The hat that looks like a +gentleman's hat. But which, in reality, is no gentleman's hat. Only my +hat; and I am not a gentleman. I am only a conjurer, and this is only a +conjurer's hat. I could not take off this hat to a lady. I can take +rabbits out of it, goldfish out of it, snakes out of it. Only I mustn't +take my own head out of it. I suppose I'm a lower animal than a rabbit +or a snake. Anyhow they can get out of the conjurer's hat; and I can't. +I am a conjurer and nothing else but a conjurer. Unless I could show I +was something else, and that would be worse. + + [_He begins to dash the cards rather irregularly about the table. + Enter_ PATRICIA. + +PATRICIA. [_Coldly_] I beg your pardon. I came to get some programmes. +My uncle wants them. + + [_She walks swiftly across and takes up the programmes._ + +CONJURER. [_Still dashing cards about the table._] Miss Carleon, might I +speak to you a moment? [_He puts his hands in his pockets, stares at the +table; and his face assumes a sardonic expression._] The question is +purely practical. + +PATRICIA. [_Pausing at the door._] I can hardly imagine what the +question can be. + +CONJURER. I am the question. + +PATRICIA. And what have I to do with that? + +CONJURER. You have everything to do with it. I am the question: you.... + +PATRICIA. [_Angrily._] Well, what am I? + +CONJURER. You are the answer. + +PATRICIA. The answer to what? + +CONJURER. [_Coming round to the front of the table and sitting against +it._] The answer to me. You think I'm a liar because I walked about the +fields with you and said I could make stones disappear. Well, so I can. +I'm a conjurer. In mere point of fact, it wasn't a lie. But if it had +been a lie I should have told it just the same. I would have told twenty +such lies. You may or may not know why. + +PATRICIA. I know nothing about such lies. + + [_She puts her hand on the handle of the door, but the_ CONJURER, + _who is sitting on the table and staring at his boots, does not + notice the action, and goes on as in a sincere soliloquy._ + +CONJURER. I don't know whether you have any notion of what it means to a +man like me to talk to a lady like you, even on false pretences. I am an +adventurer. I am a blackguard, if one can earn the title by being in all +the blackguard societies of the world. I have thought everything out by +myself, when I was a guttersnipe in Fleet Street, or, lower still, a +journalist in Fleet Street. Before I met you I never guessed that rich +people ever thought at all. Well, that is all I have to say. We had some +good conversations, didn't we? I am a liar. But I told you a great deal +of the truth. + + [_He turns and resumes the arrangement of the table._ + +PATRICIA. [_Thinking._] Yes, you did tell me a great deal of the truth. +You told me hundreds and thousands of truths. But you never told me the +truth that one wants to know. + +CONJURER. And what is that? + +PATRICIA. [_Turning back into the room._] You never told me the truth +about yourself. You never told me you were only the Conjurer. + +CONJURER. I did not tell you that because I do not even know it. I do +not know whether I am only the Conjurer.... + +PATRICIA. What do you mean? + +CONJURER. Sometimes I am afraid I am something worse than the Conjurer. + +PATRICIA. [_Seriously._] I cannot think of anything worse than a +conjurer who does not call himself a conjurer. + +CONJURER. [_Gloomily._] There is something worse. [_Rallying himself._] +But that is not what I want to say. Do you really find that very +unpardonable? Come, let me put you a case. Never mind about whether it +is our case. A man spends his time incessantly in going about in +third-class carriages to fifth-rate lodgings. He has to make up new +tricks, new patter, new nonsense, sometimes every night of his life. +Mostly he has to do it in the beastly black cities of the Midlands and +the North, where he can't get out into the country. Now and again he +does it at some gentleman's country-house, where he can get out into the +country. Well, you know that actors and orators and all sorts of people +like to rehearse their effects in the open air if they can. [_Smiles._] +You know that story of the great statesman who was heard by his own +gardener saying, as he paced the garden, "Had I, Mr. Speaker, received +the smallest intimation that I could be called upon to speak this +evening...." [PATRICIA _controls a smile, and he goes on with +overwhelming enthusiasm._] Well, conjurers are just the same. It takes +some time to prepare an impromptu. A man like that walks about the +woods and fields doing all his tricks beforehand, and talking all sorts +of gibberish because he thinks he is alone. One evening this man found +he was not alone. He found a very beautiful child was watching him. + +PATRICIA. A child? + +CONJURER. Yes. That was his first impression. He is an intimate friend +of mine. I have known him all my life. He tells me he has since +discovered she is not a child. She does not fulfil the definition. + +PATRICIA. What is the definition of a child? + +CONJURER. Somebody you can play with. + +PATRICIA. [_Abruptly._] Why did you wear that cloak with the hood up? + +CONJURER. [_Smiling._] I think it escaped your notice that it was +raining. + +PATRICIA. [_Smiling faintly._] And what did this friend of yours do? + +CONJURER. You have already told me what he did. He destroyed a fairy +tale, for he created a fairy tale that he was bound to destroy. +[_Swinging round suddenly on the table._] But do you blame a man very +much, Miss Carleon, if he enjoyed the only fairy tale he had had in his +life? Suppose he said the silly circles he was drawing for practice +were really magic circles? Suppose he said the bosh he was talking was +the language of the elves? Remember, he has read fairy tales as much as +you have. Fairy tales are the only democratic institutions. All the +classes have heard all the fairy tales. Do you blame him very much if +he, too, tried to have a holiday in fairyland? + +PATRICIA. [_Simply._] I blame him less than I did. But I still say there +can be nothing worse than false magic. And, after all, it was he who +brought the false magic. + +CONJURER. [_Rising from his seat._] Yes. It was she who brought the real +magic. + + [_Enter_ MORRIS, _in evening-dress. He walks straight up to the + conjuring-table; and picks up one article after another, putting + each down with a comment._ + +MORRIS. I know that one. I know that. I know that. Let's see, that's the +false bottom, I think. That works with a wire. I know that; it goes up +the sleeve. That's the false bottom again. That's the substituted pack +of cards--that.... + +PATRICIA. Really, Morris, you mustn't talk as if you knew everything. + +CONJURER. Oh, I don't mind anyone knowing everything, Miss Carleon. +There is something that is much more important than knowing how a thing +is done. + +MORRIS. And what's that? + +CONJURER. Knowing how to do it. + +MORRIS. [_Becoming nasal again in anger._] That's so, eh? Being the +high-toned conjurer because you can't any longer take all the sidewalk +as a fairy. + +PATRICIA. [_Crossing the room and speaking seriously to her brother._] +Really, Morris, you are very rude. And it's quite ridiculous to be rude. +This gentleman was only practising some tricks by himself in the garden. +[_With a certain dignity._] If there was any mistake, it was mine. Come, +shake hands, or whatever men do when they apologize. Don't be silly. He +won't turn you into a bowl of goldfish. + +MORRIS. [_Reluctantly._] Well, I guess that's so. [_Offering his hand._] +Shake. [_They shake hands._] And you won't turn me into a bowl of +goldfish anyhow, Professor. I understand that when you do produce a +bowl of goldfish, they are generally slips of carrot. That is so, +Professor? + +CONJURER. [_Sharply._] Yes. [_Produces a bowl of goldfish from his tail +pockets and holds it under the other's nose._] Judge for yourself. + +MORRIS. [_In monstrous excitement._] Very good! Very good! But I know +how that's done--I know how that's done. You have an india-rubber cap, +you know, or cover.... + +CONJURER. Yes. + + [_Goes back gloomily to his table and sits on it, picking up a pack + of cards and balancing it in his hand._ + +MORRIS. Ah, most mysteries are tolerably plain if you know the +apparatus. [_Enter_ DOCTOR _and_ SMITH, _talking with grave faces, but +growing silent as they reach the group._] I guess I wish we had all the +old apparatus of all the old Priests and Prophets since the beginning of +the world. I guess most of the old miracles and that were a matter of +just panel and wires. + +CONJURER. I don't quite understand you. What old apparatus do you want +so much? + +MORRIS. [_Breaking out with all the frenzy of the young free-thinker._] +Well, sir, I just want that old apparatus that turned rods into snakes. +I want those smart appliances, sir, that brought water out of a rock +when old man Moses chose to hit it. I guess it's a pity we've lost the +machinery. I would like to have those old conjurers here that called +themselves Patriarchs and Prophets in your precious Bible.... + +PATRICIA. Morris, you mustn't talk like that. + +MORRIS. Well, I don't believe in religion.... + +DOCTOR. [_Aside._] Hush, hush. Nobody but women believe in religion. + +PATRICIA. [_Humorously._] I think this is a fitting opportunity to show +you another ancient conjuring trick. + +DOCTOR. Which one is that? + +PATRICIA. The Vanishing Lady! + + [_Exit_ PATRICIA. + +SMITH. There is one part of their old apparatus I regret especially +being lost. + +MORRIS. [_Still excited._] Yes! + +SMITH. The apparatus for writing the Book of Job. + +MORRIS. Well, well, they didn't know everything in those old times. + +SMITH. No, and in those old times they knew they didn't. [_Dreamily._] +Where shall wisdom be found, and what is the place of understanding? + +CONJURER. Somewhere in America, I believe. + +SMITH. [_Still dreamily._] Man knoweth not the price thereof; neither is +it found in the land of the living. The deep sayeth it is not in me, the +sea sayeth it is not with me. Death and destruction say we have heard +tell of it. God understandeth the way thereof and He knoweth the place +thereof. For He looketh to the ends of the earth and seeth under the +whole Heaven. But to man He hath said: Behold the fear of the Lord that +is wisdom, and to depart from evil is understanding. [_Turns suddenly to +the_ DOCTOR.] How's that for Agnosticism, Dr. Grimthorpe? What a pity +that apparatus is lost. + +MORRIS. Well, you may just smile how you choose, I reckon. But I say the +Conjurer here could be the biggest man in the big blessed centuries if +he could just show us how the Holy old tricks were done. We must say +this for old man Moses, that he was in advance of his time. When he did +the old tricks they were new tricks. He got the pull on the public. He +could do his tricks before grown men, great bearded fighting men who +could win battles and sing Psalms. But this modern conjuring is all +behind the times. That's why they only do it with schoolboys. There +isn't a trick on that table I don't know. The whole trade's as dead as +mutton; and not half so satisfying. Why he [_pointing to the_ CONJURER] +brought out a bowl of goldfish just now--an old trick that anybody could +do. + +CONJURER. Oh, I quite agree. The apparatus is perfectly simple. By the +way, let me have a look at those goldfish of yours, will you? + +MORRIS. [_Angrily._] I'm not a paid play-actor come here to conjure. I'm +not here to do stale tricks; I'm here to see through 'em. I say it's an +old trick and.... + +CONJURER. True. But as you said, we never show it except to schoolboys. + +MORRIS. And may I ask you, Professor Hocus Pocus, or whatever your name +is, whom you are calling a schoolboy? + +CONJURER. I beg your pardon. Your sister will tell you I am sometimes +mistaken about children. + +MORRIS. I forbid you to appeal to my sister. + +CONJURER. That is exactly what a schoolboy would do. + +MORRIS. [_With abrupt and dangerous calm._] I am not a schoolboy, +Professor. I am a quiet business man. But I tell you in the country I +come from, the hand of a quiet business man goes to his hip pocket at an +insult like that. + +CONJURER. [_Fiercely._] Let it go to his pocket! I thought the hand of a +quiet business man more often went to someone else's pocket. + +MORRIS. You.... + + [_Puts his hand to his hip. The_ DOCTOR _puts his hand on his + shoulder._ + +DOCTOR. Gentlemen, I think you are both forgetting yourselves. + +CONJURER. Perhaps. [_His tone sinks suddenly to weariness._] I ask +pardon for what I said. It was certainly in excess of the young +gentleman's deserts. [_Sighs._] I sometimes rather wish I could forget +myself. + +MORRIS. [_Sullenly, after a pause._] Well, the entertainment's coming +on; and you English don't like a scene. I reckon I'll have to bury the +blamed old hatchet too. + +DOCTOR. [_With a certain dignity, his social type shining through his +profession._] Mr. Carleon, you will forgive an old man, who knew your +father well, if he doubts whether you are doing yourself justice in +treating yourself as an American Indian, merely because you have lived +in America. In my old friend Huxley's time we of the middle classes +disbelieved in reason and all sorts of things. But we did believe in +good manners. It is a pity if the aristocracy can't. I don't like to +hear you say you are a savage and have buried a tomahawk. I would rather +hear you say, as your Irish ancestors would have said, that you have +sheathed your sword with the dignity proper to a gentleman. + +MORRIS. Very well. I've sheathed my sword with the dignity proper to a +gentleman. + +CONJURER. And I have sheathed my sword with the dignity proper to a +conjurer. + +MORRIS. How does the Conjurer sheath a sword? + +CONJURER. Swallows it. + +DOCTOR. Then we all agree there shall be no quarrel. + +SMITH. May I say a word? I have a great dislike of a quarrel, for a +reason quite beyond my duty to my cloth. + +MORRIS. And what is that? + +SMITH. I object to a quarrel because it always interrupts an argument. +May I bring you back for a moment to the argument? You were saying that +these modern conjuring tricks are simply the old miracles when they have +once been found out. But surely another view is possible. When we speak +of things being sham, we generally mean that they are imitations of +things that are genuine. Take that Reynolds over there of the Duke's +great-grandfather. [_Points to a picture on the wall._] If I were to say +it was a copy.... + +MORRIS. Wal, the Duke's real amiable; but I reckon you'd find what you +call the interruption of an argument. + +SMITH. Well, suppose I did say so, you wouldn't take it as meaning that +Sir Joshua Reynolds never lived. Why should sham miracles prove to us +that real Saints and Prophets never lived. There may be sham magic and +real magic also. + + [_The_ CONJURER _raises his head and listens with a strange air of + intentness._ + +SMITH. There may be turnip ghosts precisely because there are real +ghosts. There may be theatrical fairies precisely because there are real +fairies. You do not abolish the Bank of England by pointing to a forged +bank-note. + +MORRIS. I hope the Professor enjoys being called a forged bank-note. + +CONJURER. Almost as much as being called the Prospectus of some American +Companies. + +DOCTOR. Gentlemen! Gentlemen! + +CONJURER. I am sorry. + +MORRIS. Wal, let's have the argument first, then I guess we can have the +quarrel afterwards. I'll clean this house of some encumbrances. See +here, Mr. Smith, I'm not putting anything on your real miracle notion. I +say, and Science says, that there's a cause for everything. Science will +find out that cause, and sooner or later your old miracle will look +mighty mean. Sooner or later Science will botanise a bit on your turnip +ghosts; and make you look turnips yourselves for having taken any. I +say.... + +DOCTOR. [_In a low voice to_ SMITH.] I don't like this peaceful argument +of yours. The boy is getting much too excited. + +MORRIS. You say old man Reynolds lived; and Science don't say no. [_He +turns excitedly to the picture._] But I guess he's dead now; and you'll +no more raise your Saints and Prophets from the dead than you'll raise +the Duke's great-grandfather to dance on that wall. + + [_The picture begins to sway slightly to and fro on the wall._ + +DOCTOR. Why, the picture is moving! + +MORRIS. [_Turning furiously on the_ CONJURER.] You were in the room +before us. Do you reckon that will take us in? You can do all that with +wires. + +CONJURER. [_Motionless and without looking up from the table._] Yes, I +could do all that with wires. + +MORRIS. And you reckoned I shouldn't know. [_Laughs with a high crowing +laugh._] That's how the derned dirty Spiritualists do all their tricks. +They say they can make the furniture move of itself. If it does move +they move it; and we mean to know how. + + [_A chair falls over with a slight crash._ + + [MORRIS _almost staggers and momentarily fights for breath and + words._ + +MORRIS. You ... why ... that ... every one knows that ... a sliding +plank. It can be done with a sliding plank. + +CONJURER. [_Without looking up._] Yes. It can be done with a sliding +plank. + + [_The_ DOCTOR _draws nearer to_ MORRIS, _who faces about, + addressing him passionately._ + +MORRIS. You were right on the spot, Doc, when you talked about that red +lamp of yours. That red lamp is the light of science that will put out +all the lanterns of your turnip ghosts. It's a consuming fire, Doctor, +but it is the red light of the morning. [_Points at it in exalted +enthusiasm._] Your priests can no more stop that light from shining or +change its colour and its radiance than Joshua could stop the sun and +moon. [_Laughs savagely._] Why, a real fairy in an elfin cloak strayed +too near the lamp an hour or two ago; and it turned him into a common +society clown with a white tie. + + [_The lamp at the end of the garden turns blue. They all look at it + in silence._ + +MORRIS. [_Splitting the silence on a high unnatural note._] Wait a bit! +Wait a bit! I've got you! I'll have you!... [_He strides wildly up and +down the room, biting his finger._] You put a wire ... no, that can't be +it.... + +DOCTOR. [_Speaking to him soothingly._] Well, well, just at this moment +we need not inquire.... + +MORRIS. [_Turning on him furiously._] You call yourself a man of +science, and you dare to tell me not to inquire! + +SMITH. We only mean that for the moment you might let it alone. + +MORRIS. [_Violently._] No, Priest, I will not let it alone. [_Pacing the +room again._] Could it be done with mirrors? [_He clasps his brow._] You +have a mirror.... [_Suddenly, with a shout._] I've got it! I've got it! +Mixture of lights! Why not? If you throw a green light on a red +light.... + + [_Sudden silence._ + +SMITH. [_Quietly to the_ DOCTOR.] You don't get blue. + +DOCTOR. [_Stepping across to the_ CONJURER.] If you have done this +trick, for God's sake undo it. + + [_After a silence, the light turns red again._ + +MORRIS. [_Dashing suddenly to the glass doors and examining them._] It's +the glass! You've been doing something to the glass! + + [_He stops suddenly and there is a long silence._ + +CONJURER. [_Still without moving._] I don't think you will find anything +wrong with the glass. + +MORRIS. [_Bursting open the glass doors with a crash._] Then I'll find +out what's wrong with the lamp. + + [_Disappears into the garden._ + +DOCTOR. It is still a wet night, I am afraid. + +SMITH. Yes. And somebody else will be wandering about the garden now. + + [_Through the broken glass doors_ MORRIS _can be seen marching + backwards and forwards with swifter and swifter steps._ + +SMITH. I suppose in this case the Celtic twilight will not get on the +chest. + +DOCTOR. Oh, if it were only the chest! + + _Enter_ PATRICIA. + +PATRICIA. Where is my brother? + + [_There is an embarrassed silence, in which the_ CONJURER + _answers._ + +CONJURER. I am afraid he is walking about in Fairyland. + +PATRICIA. But he mustn't go out on a night like this; it's very +dangerous! + +CONJURER. Yes, it is very dangerous. He might meet a fairy. + +PATRICIA. What do you mean? + +CONJURER. You went out in this sort of weather and you met this sort of +fairy, and so far it has only brought you sorrow. + +PATRICIA. I am going out to find my brother. + + [_She goes out into the garden through the open doors._ + +SMITH. [_After a silence, very suddenly._] What is that noise? She is +not singing those songs to him, is she? + +CONJURER. No. He does not understand the language of the elves. + +SMITH. But what are all those cries and gasps I hear? + +CONJURER. The normal noises, I believe, of a quiet business man. + +DOCTOR. Sir, I can understand your being bitter, for I admit you have +been uncivilly received; but to speak like that just now.... + + [PATRICIA _reappears at the garden doors, very pale._ + +PATRICIA. Can I speak to the Doctor? + +DOCTOR. My dear lady, certainly. Shall I fetch the Duke? + +PATRICIA. I would prefer the Doctor. + +SMITH. Can I be of any use? + +PATRICIA. I only want the Doctor. + + [_She goes out again, followed by_ DR. GRIMTHORPE. _The others look + at each other._ + +SMITH. [_Quietly._] That last was a wonderful trick of yours. + +CONJURER. Thank you. I suppose you mean it was the only one you didn't +see through. + +SMITH. Something of the kind, I confess. Your last trick was the best +trick I have ever seen. It is so good that I wish you had not done it. + +CONJURER. And so do I. + +SMITH. How do you mean? Do you wish you had never been a conjurer? + +CONJURER. I wish I had never been born. + + [_Exit_ CONJURER. + + [_A silence. The_ DOCTOR _enters, very grave._ + +DOCTOR. It is all right so far. We have brought him back. + +SMITH. [_Drawing near to him._] You told me there was mental trouble +with the girl. + +DOCTOR. [_Looking at him steadily._] No. I told you there was mental +trouble in the family. + +SMITH. [_After a silence._] Where is Mr. Morris Carleon? + +DOCTOR. I have got him into bed in the next room. His sister is looking +after him. + +SMITH. His sister! Oh, then do you believe in fairies? + +DOCTOR. Believe in fairies? What do you mean? + +SMITH. At least you put the person who does believe in them in charge of +the person who doesn't. + +DOCTOR. Well, I suppose I do. + +SMITH. You don't think she'll keep him awake all night with fairy tales? + +DOCTOR. Certainly not. + +SMITH. You don't think she'll throw the medicine-bottle out of window +and administer--er--a dewdrop, or anything of that sort? Or a +four-leaved clover, say? + +DOCTOR. No; of course not. + +SMITH. I only ask because you scientific men are a little hard on us +clergymen. You don't believe in a priesthood; but you'll admit I'm more +really a priest than this Conjurer is really a magician. You've been +talking a lot about the Bible and the Higher Criticism. But even by the +Higher Criticism the Bible is older than the language of the +elves--which was, as far as I can make out, invented this afternoon. But +Miss Carleon believed in the wizard. Miss Carleon believed in the +language of the elves. And you put her in charge of an invalid without +a flicker of doubt: because you trust women. + +DOCTOR. [_Very seriously._] Yes, I trust women. + +SMITH. You trust a woman with the practical issues of life and death, +through sleepless hours when a shaking hand or an extra grain would +kill. + +DOCTOR. Yes. + +SMITH. But if the woman gets up to go to early service at my church, you +call her weak-minded and say that nobody but women can believe in +religion. + +DOCTOR. I should never call this woman weak-minded--no, by God, not even +if she went to church. + +SMITH. Yet there are many as strong-minded who believe passionately in +going to church. + +DOCTOR. Weren't there as many who believed passionately in Apollo? + +SMITH. And what harm came of believing in Apollo? And what a mass of +harm may have come of not believing in Apollo? Does it never strike you +that doubt can be a madness, as well be faith? That asking questions may +be a disease, as well as proclaiming doctrines? You talk of religious +mania! Is there no such thing as irreligious mania? Is there no such +thing in the house at this moment? + +DOCTOR. Then you think no one should question at all. + +SMITH. [_With passion, pointing to the next room._] I think _that_ is +what comes of questioning! Why can't you leave the universe alone and +let it mean what it likes? Why shouldn't the thunder be Jupiter? More +men have made themselves silly by wondering what the devil it was if it +wasn't Jupiter. + +DOCTOR. [_Looking at him._] Do you believe in your own religion? + +SMITH. [_Returning the look equally steadily._] Suppose I don't: I +should still be a fool to question it. The child who doubts about Santa +Claus has insomnia. The child who believes has a good night's rest. + +DOCTOR. You are a Pragmatist. + + _Enter_ DUKE, _absent-mindedly._ + +SMITH. That is what the lawyers call vulgar abuse. But I do appeal to +practise. Here is a family over which you tell me a mental calamity +hovers. Here is the boy who questions everything and a girl who can +believe anything. Upon which has the curse fallen? + +DUKE. Talking about the Pragmatists. I'm glad to hear.... Ah, very +forward movement! I suppose Roosevelt now.... [_Silence._] Well, we move +you know, we move! First there was the Missing Link. [_Silence._] No! +_First_ there was Protoplasm--and _then_ there was the Missing Link; and +Magna Carta and so on. [_Silence._] Why, look at the Insurance Act! + +DOCTOR. I would rather not. + +DUKE. [_Wagging a playful finger at him._] Ah, prejudice, prejudice! You +doctors, you know! Well, I never had any myself. + + [_Silence._ + +DOCTOR. [_Breaking the silence in unusual exasperation._] Any what? + +DUKE. [_Firmly._] Never had any Marconis myself. Wouldn't touch 'em. +[_Silence._] Well, I must speak to Hastings. + + [_Exit_ DUKE, _aimlessly._ + +DOCTOR. [_Exploding._] Well, of all the.... [_Turns to_ SMITH.] You +asked me just now which member of the family had inherited the family +madness. + +SMITH. Yes; I did. + +DOCTOR. [_In a low, emphatic voice._] On my living soul, I believe it +must be the Duke. + + + CURTAIN + + + + +ACT III + + + _Room partly darkened, a table with a lamp on it, and an empty + chair. From room next door faint and occasional sounds of the + tossing or talking of the invalid._ + + _Enter_ DOCTOR GRIMTHORPE _with a rather careworn air, and a + medicine bottle in his hand. He puts it on the table, and sits down + in the chair as if keeping a vigil._ + + _Enter_ CONJURER, _carrying his bag, and cloaked for departure. As he + crosses the room the_ DOCTOR _rises and calls after him._ + +DOCTOR. Forgive me, but may I detain you for one moment? I suppose you +are aware that--[_he hesitates_] that there have been rather grave +developments in the case of illness which happened after your +performance. I would not say, of course, because of your performance. + +CONJURER. Thank you. + +DOCTOR. [_Slightly encouraged, but speaking very carefully._] +Nevertheless, mental excitement is necessarily an element of importance +in physiological troubles, and your triumphs this evening were really so +extraordinary that I cannot pretend to dismiss them from my patient's +case. He is at present in a state somewhat analogous to delirium, but in +which he can still partially ask and answer questions. The question he +continually asks is how you managed to do your last trick. + +CONJURER. Ah! My last trick! + +DOCTOR. Now I was wondering whether we could make any arrangement which +would be fair to you in the matter. Would it be possible for you to give +me in confidence the means of satisfying this--this fixed idea he seems +to have got. [_He hesitates again, and picks his words more slowly._] +This special condition of semi-delirious disputation is a rare one, and +connected in my experience with rather unfortunate cases. + +CONJURER. [_Looking at him steadily._] Do you mean he is going mad? + +DOCTOR. [_Rather taken aback for the first time._] Really, you ask me an +unfair question. I could not explain the fine shades of these things to +a layman. And even if--if what you suggest were so, I should have to +regard it as a professional secret. + +CONJURER. [_Still looking at him._] And don't you think you ask me a +rather unfair question, Dr. Grimthorpe? If yours is a professional +secret, is not mine a professional secret too? If you may hide truth +from the world, why may not I? You don't tell your tricks. I don't tell +my tricks. + +DOCTOR. [_With some heat._] Ours are not tricks. + +CONJURER. [_Reflectively._] Ah, no one can be sure of that till the +tricks are told. + +DOCTOR. But the public can see a doctor's cures as plain as.... + +CONJURER. Yes. As plain as they saw the red lamp over his door this +evening. + +DOCTOR. [_After a pause._] Your secret, of course, would be strictly +kept by every one involved. + +CONJURER. Oh, of course. People in delirium always keep secrets +strictly. + +DOCTOR. No one sees the patient but his sister and myself. + +CONJURER. [_Starts slightly._] Yes, his sister. Is she very anxious? + +DOCTOR. [_In a lower voice._] What would you suppose? + + [CONJURER _throws himself into the chair, his cloak slipping back + from his evening dress. He ruminates for a short space and then + speaks._ + +CONJURER. Doctor, there are about a thousand reasons why I should not +tell you how I really did that trick. But one will suffice, because it +is the most practical of all. + +DOCTOR. Well? And why shouldn't you tell me? + +CONJURER. Because you wouldn't believe me if I did. + + [_A silence, the_ DOCTOR _looking at him curiously._ + + [_Enter the_ DUKE _with papers in his hand. His usual gaiety of + manner has a rather forced air, owing to the fact that by some + vague sick-room associations he walks as if on tip-toe and begins + to speak in a sort of loud or shrill whisper. This he fortunately + forgets and falls into his more natural voice._ + +DUKE. [_To_ CONJURER.] So very kind of you to have waited, Professor. I +expect Dr. Grimthorpe has explained the little difficulty we are in +much better than I could. Nothing like the medical mind for a scientific +statement. [_Hazily._] Look at Ibsen. + + [_Silence._ + +DOCTOR. Of course the Professor feels considerable reluctance in the +matter. He points out that his secrets are an essential part of his +profession. + +DUKE. Of course, of course. Tricks of the trade, eh? Very proper, of +course. Quite a case of _noblesse oblige_ [_Silence._] But I dare say we +shall be able to find a way out of the matter. [_He turns to the_ +CONJURER.] Now, my dear sir, I hope you will not be offended if I say +that this ought to be a business matter. We are asking you for a piece +of your professional work and knowledge, and if I may have the pleasure +of writing you a cheque.... + +CONJURER. I thank your Grace, I have already received my cheque from +your secretary. You will find it on the counterfoil just after the +cheque you so kindly gave to the Society for the Suppression of +Conjuring. + +DUKE. Now I don't want you to take it in that way. I want you to take +it in a broader way. Free, you know. [_With an expansive gesture._] +Modern and all that! Wonderful man, Bernard Shaw! + + [_Silence._ + +DOCTOR. [_With a slight cough, resuming._] If you feel any delicacy the +payment need not be made merely to you. I quite respect your feelings in +the matter. + +DUKE. [_Approvingly._] Quite so, quite so. Haven't you got a Cause or +something? Everybody has a cause now, you know. Conjurers' widows or +something of that kind. + +CONJURER. [_With restraint._] No; I have no widows. + +DUKE. Then something like a pension or annuity for any widows you +may--er--procure. [_Gaily opening his cheque-book and talking slang to +show there is no ill-feeling._] Come, let me call it a couple of thou. + + [_The_ CONJURER _takes the cheque and looks at it in a grave and + doubtful way. As he does so the_ RECTOR _comes slowly into the + room._ + +CONJURER. You would really be willing to pay a sum like this to know +the way I did that trick? + +DUKE. I would willingly pay much more. + +DOCTOR. I think I explained to you that the case is serious. + +CONJURER. [_More and more thoughtful._] You would pay much more.... +[_Suddenly._] But suppose I tell you the secret and you find there's +nothing in it? + +DOCTOR. You mean that it's really quite simple? Why, I should say that +that would be the best thing that could possibly happen. A little +healthy laughter is the best possible thing for convalescence. + +CONJURER. [_Still looking gloomily at the cheque._] I do not think you +will laugh. + +DUKE. [_Reasoning genially._] But as you say it is something quite +simple. + +CONJURER. It is the simplest thing there is in the world. That is why +you will not laugh. + +DOCTOR. [_Almost nervously._] Why, what do you mean? What shall we do? + +CONJURER. [_Gravely._] You will disbelieve it. + +DOCTOR. And why? + +CONJURER. Because it is so simple. [_He springs suddenly to his feet, +the cheque still in his hand._] You ask me how I really did the last +trick. I will tell you how I did the last trick. I did it by magic. + + [_The_ DUKE _and_ DOCTOR _stare at him motionless; but the_ REV. + SMITH _starts and takes a step nearer the table. The_ CONJURER + _pulls his cloak round his shoulders. This gesture, as of + departure, brings the_ DOCTOR _to his feet._ + +DOCTOR. [_Astonished and angry._] Do you really mean that you take the +cheque and then tell us it was only magic? + +CONJURER. [_Pulling the cheque to pieces._] I tear the cheque, and I +tell you it was only magic. + +DOCTOR. [_With violent sincerity._] But hang it all, there's no such +thing. + +CONJURER. Yes there is. I wish to God I did not know that there is. + +DUKE. [_Rising also._] Why, really, magic.... + +CONJURER. [_Contemptuously._] Yes, your Grace, one of those larger laws +you were telling us about. + + [_He buttons his cloak up at his throat and takes up his bag. As he + does so the_ REV. SMITH _steps between him and the door and stops + him for a moment._ + +SMITH. [_In a low voice._] One moment, sir. + +CONJURER. What do you want? + +SMITH. I want to apologize to you. I mean on behalf of the company. I +think it was wrong to offer you money. I think it was more wrong to +mystify you with medical language and call the thing delirium. I have +more respect for conjurer's patter than for doctor's patter. They are +both meant to stupify; but yours only to stupify for a moment. Now I put +it to you in plain words and on plain human Christian grounds. Here is a +poor boy who may be going mad. Suppose you had a son in such a position, +would you not expect people to tell you the whole truth if it could help +you? + +CONJURER. Yes. And I have told you the whole truth. Go and find out if +it helps you. + + [_Turns again to go, but more irresolutely._ + +SMITH. You know quite well it will not help us. + +CONJURER. Why not? + +SMITH. You know quite well why not. You are an honest man; and you have +said it yourself. Because he would not believe it. + +CONJURER. [_With a sort of fury._] Well, does anybody believe it? Do you +believe it? + +SMITH. [_With great restraint._] Your question is quite fair. Come, let +us sit down and talk about it. Let me take your cloak. + +CONJURER. I will take off my cloak when you take off your coat. + +SMITH. [_Smiling._] Why? Do you want me to fight? + +CONJURER. [_Violently._] I want you to be martyred. I want you to _bear_ +witness to your own creed. I say these things are supernatural. I say +this was done by a spirit. The Doctor does not believe me. He is an +agnostic; and he knows everything. The Duke does not believe me; he +cannot believe anything so plain as a miracle. But what the devil are +you for, if you don't believe in a miracle? What does your coat mean, if +it doesn't mean that there is such a thing as the supernatural? What +does your cursed collar mean if it doesn't mean that there is such a +thing as a spirit? [_Exasperated._] Why the devil do you dress up like +that if you don't believe in it? [_With violence._] Or perhaps you don't +believe in devils? + +SMITH. I believe.... [_After a pause._] I wish I could believe. + +CONJURER. Yes. I wish I could disbelieve. + + [_Enter_ PATRICIA _pale and in the slight négligée of the amateur + nurse._ + +PATRICIA. May I speak to the Conjurer? + +SMITH. [_Hastening forward._] You want the Doctor? + +PATRICIA. No, the Conjurer. + +DOCTOR. Are there any developments? + +PATRICIA. I only want to speak to the Conjurer. + + [_They all withdraw, either at the garden or the other doors._ + PATRICIA _walks up to_ CONJURER. + +PATRICIA. You must tell me how you did the trick. You will. I know you +will. O, I know my poor brother was rude to you. He's rude to everybody! +[_Breaks down._] But he's such a little, little boy! + +CONJURER. I suppose you know there are things men never tell to women. +They are too horrible. + +PATRICIA. Yes. And there are things women never tell to men. They also +are too horrible. I am here to hear them all. + +CONJURER. Do you really mean I may say anything I like? However dark it +is? However dreadful it is? However damnable it is? + +PATRICIA. I have gone through too much to be terrified now. Tell me the +very worst. + +CONJURER. I will tell you the very worst. I fell in love with you when I +first saw you. + + [_Sits down and crosses his legs._ + +PATRICIA. [_Drawing back._] You told me I looked like a child and.... + +CONJURER. I told a lie. + +PATRICIA. O; this is terrible. + +CONJURER. I was in love, I took an opportunity. You believed quite +simply that I was a magician? but I.... + +PATRICIA. It is terrible. It is terrible. I never believed you were a +magician. + +CONJURER. [_Astounded._] Never believed I was a magician...! + +PATRICIA. I always knew you were a man. + +CONJURER. [_Doing whatever passionate things people do on the stage._] I +am a man. And you are a woman. And all the elves have gone to elfland, +and all the devils to hell. And you and I will walk out of this great +vulgar house and be married.... Every one is crazy in this house +to-night, I think. What am I saying? As if _you_ could marry _me_! O my +God! + +PATRICIA. This is the first time you have failed in courage. + +CONJURER. What do you mean? + +PATRICIA. I mean to draw your attention to the fact that you have +recently made an offer, I accept it. + +CONJURER. Oh, it's nonsense, it's nonsense. How can a man marry an +archangel, let alone a lady. My mother was a lady and she married a +dying fiddler who tramped the roads; and the mixture plays the cat and +banjo with my body and soul. I can see my mother now cooking food in +dirtier and dirtier lodgings, darning socks with weaker and weaker eyes +when she might have worn pearls by consenting to be a rational person. + +PATRICIA. And she might have grown pearls, by consenting to be an +oyster. + +CONJURER. [_Seriously._] There was little pleasure in her life. + +PATRICIA. There is little, a very little, in everybody's. The question +is, what kind? We can't turn life into a pleasure. But we can choose +such pleasures as are worthy of us and our immortal souls. Your mother +chose and I have chosen. + +CONJURER. [_Staring._] Immortal souls!... And I suppose if I knelt down +to worship you, you and every one else would laugh. + +PATRICIA. [_With a smile of perversity._] Well, I think this is a more +comfortable way. [_She sits down suddenly beside him in a sort of +domestic way and goes on talking._] Yes. I'll do everything your mother +did, not so well, of course; I'll darn that conjurer's hat--does one +darn hats?--and cook the Conjurer's dinner. By the way, what is a +Conjurer's dinner? There's always the goldfish, of course.... + +CONJURER. [_With a groan._] Carrots. + +PATRICIA. And, of course, now I come to think of it, you can always take +rabbits out of the hat. Why, what a cheap life it must be! How do you +cook rabbits? The Duke is always talking about poached rabbits. Really, +we shall be as happy as is good for us. We'll have confidence in each +other at least, and no secrets. I insist on knowing all the tricks. + +CONJURER. I don't think I know whether I'm on my head or my heels. + +PATRICIA. And now, as we're going to be so confidential and comfortable, +you'll just tell me the real, practical, tricky little way you did that +last trick. + +CONJURER. [_Rising, rigid with horror._] How I did that trick? I did it +by devils. [_Turning furiously on_ PATRICIA.] You could believe in +fairies. Can't you believe in devils? + +PATRICIA. [_Seriously._] No, I can't believe in devils. + +CONJURER. Well, this room is full of them. + +PATRICIA. What does it all mean? + +CONJURER. It only means that I have done what many men have done; but +few, I think, have thriven by. [_He sits down and talks thoughtfully._] +I told you I had mixed with many queer sets of people. Among others, I +mixed with those who pretend, truly and falsely, to do our tricks by the +aid of spirits. I dabbled a little in table-rapping and table-turning. +But I soon had reason to give it up. + +PATRICIA. Why did you give it up? + +CONJURER. It began by giving me headaches. And I found that every +morning after a Spiritualist _séance_ I had a queer feeling of lowness +and degradation, of having been soiled; much like the feeling, I +suppose, that people have the morning after they have been drunk. But I +happen to have what people call a strong head; and I have never been +really drunk. + +PATRICIA. I am glad of that. + +CONJURER. It hasn't been for want of trying. But it wasn't long before +the spirits with whom I had been playing at table-turning, did what I +think they generally do at the end of all such table-turning. + +PATRICIA. What did they do? + +CONJURER. They turned the tables. They turned the tables upon me. I +don't wonder at your believing in fairies. As long as these things were +my servants they seemed to me like fairies. When they tried to be my +masters.... I found they were not fairies. I found the spirits with whom +I at least had come in contact were evil ... awfully, unnaturally evil. + +PATRICIA. Did they say so? + +CONJURER. Don't talk of what they said. I was a loose fellow, but I had +not fallen so low as such things. I resisted them; and after a pretty +bad time, psychologically speaking, I cut the connexion. But they were +always tempting me to use the supernatural power I had got from them. +It was not very great, but it was enough to move things about, to alter +lights, and so on. I don't know whether you realize that it's rather a +strain on a man to drink bad coffee at a coffee-stall when he knows he +has just enough magic in him to make a bottle of champagne walk out of +an empty shop. + +PATRICIA. I think you behaved very well. + +CONJURER. [_Bitterly._] And when I fell at last it was for nothing half +so clean and Christian as champagne. In black blind pride and anger and +all kinds of heathenry, because of the impudence of a schoolboy, I +called on the fiends and they obeyed. + +PATRICIA. [_Touches his arm._] Poor fellow! + +CONJURER. Your goodness is the only goodness that never goes wrong. + +PATRICIA. And what _are_ we to do with Morris? I--I believe you now, my +dear. But he--he will never believe. + +CONJURER. There is no bigot like the atheist. I must think. + + [_Walks towards the garden windows. The other men reappear to + arrest his movement._ + +DOCTOR. Where are you going? + +CONJURER. I am going to ask the God whose enemies I have served if I am +still worthy to save a child. + + [_Exit into garden. He paces up and down exactly as_ MORRIS _has + done. As he does so_, PATRICIA _slowly goes out; and a long silence + follows, during which the remaining men stir and stamp very + restlessly. The darkness increases. It is long before anyone + speaks._ + +DOCTOR. [_Abruptly._] Remarkable man that Conjurer. Clever man. Curious +man. Very curious man. A kind of man, you know.... Lord bless us! What's +that? + +DUKE. What's what, eh? What's what? + +DOCTOR. I swear I heard a footstep. + + _Enter_ HASTINGS _with papers._ + +DUKE. Why, Hastings--Hastings--we thought you were a ghost. You must +be--er--looking white or something. + +HASTINGS. I have brought back the answer of the Anti-Vegetarians ... I +mean the Vegetarians. + + [_Drops one or two papers._ + +DUKE. Why, Hastings, you _are_ looking white. + +HASTINGS. I ask your Grace's pardon. I had a slight shock on entering +the room. + +DOCTOR. A shock? What shock? + +HASTINGS. It is the first time, I think, that your Grace's work has been +disturbed by any private feelings of mine. I shall not trouble your +Grace with them. It will not occur again. + + [_Exit_ HASTINGS. + +DUKE. What an extraordinary fellow. I wonder if.... + + [_Suddenly stops speaking._ + +DOCTOR. [_After a long silence, in a low voice to_ SMITH.] How do you +feel? + +SMITH. I feel I must have a window shut or I must have it open, and I +don't know which it is. + + [_Another long silence._ + +SMITH. [_Crying out suddenly in the dark._] In God's name, go! + +DOCTOR. [_Jumping up rather in a tremble._] Really, sir, I am not used +to being spoken to.... + +SMITH. It was not you whom I told to go. + +DOCTOR. No. [_Pause._] But I think I will go. This room is simply +horrible. + + [_He marches towards the door._ + +DUKE. [_Jumping up and bustling about, altering cards, papers, etc., on +tables._] Room horrible? Room horrible? No, no, no. [_Begins to run +quicker round the room, flapping his hands like fins._] Only a little +crowded. A little crowded. And I don't seem to know all the people. We +can't like everybody. These large at-homes.... + + [_Tumbles on to a chair._ + +CONJURER. [_Reappearing at the garden doors._] Go back to hell from +which I called you. It is the last order I shall give. + +DOCTOR. [_Rising rather shakily._] And what are you going to do? + +CONJURER. I am going to tell that poor little lad a lie. I have found +in the garden what he did not find in the garden. I have managed to +think of a natural explanation of that trick. + +DOCTOR. [_Warmly moved._] I think you are something like a great man. +Can I take your explanation to him now? + +CONJURER. [_Grimly._] No thank you. I will take it myself. + + [_Exit into the other room._ + +DUKE. [_Uneasily._] We all felt devilish queer just now. Wonderful +things there are in the world. [_After a pause._] I suppose it's all +electricity. + + [_Silence as usual._ + +SMITH. I think there has been more than electricity in all this. + + _Enter_ PATRICIA, _still pale, but radiant._ + +PATRICIA. Oh, Morris is ever so much better! The Conjurer has told him +such a good story of how the trick was done. + + _Enter_ CONJURER. + +DUKE. Professor, we owe you a thousand thanks! + +DOCTOR. Really, you have doubled your claim to originality! + +SMITH. It is much more marvellous to explain a miracle than to work a +miracle. What was your explanation, by the way? + +CONJURER. I shall not tell you. + +SMITH. [_Starting._] Indeed? Why not? + +CONJURER. Because God and the demons and that Immortal Mystery that you +deny has been in this room to-night. Because you know it has been here. +Because you have felt it here. Because you know the spirits as well as I +do and fear them as much as I do. + +SMITH. Well? + +CONJURER. Because all this would not avail. If I told you the lie I told +Morris Carleon about how I did that trick.... + +SMITH. Well? + +CONJURER. YOU would believe it as he believed it. You cannot think +[_pointing to the lamp_] how that trick could be done naturally. I alone +found out how it could be done--after I had done it by magic. But if I +tell you a natural way of doing it.... + +SMITH. Well?... + +CONJURER. Half an hour after I have left this house you will be all +saying how it was done. + + [CONJURER _buttons up his cloak and advances to_ PATRICIA. + +CONJURER. Good-bye. + +PATRICIA. I shall not say good-bye. + +PATRICIA. Yes. That fairy tale has really and truly come to an end. +[_Looks at him a little in the old mystical manner._] It is very hard +for a fairy tale to come to an end. If you leave it alone it lingers +everlastingly. Our fairy tale has come to an end in the only way a fairy +tale can come to an end. The only way a fairy tale can leave off being a +fairy tale. + +CONJURER. I don't understand you. + +PATRICIA. It has come true. + + + CURTAIN + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +_A Selection from the +Catalogue of_ + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS + +[Illustration: Publisher's Mark] + +Complete Catalogue sent +on application + + + + +New Comedies +By +LADY GREGORY + + +The Bogie Men--The Full Moon--Coats Damer's Gold--McDonough's Wife + +_8^o. With Portrait in Photogravure. $1.50 net. By mail, $1.65_ + +The plays have been acted with great success by the Abbey Company, and +have been highly extolled by appreciative audiences and an enthusiastic +press. They are distinguished by a humor of unchallenged originality. + +One of the plays in the collection, "Coats," depends for its plot upon +the rivalry of two editors, each of whom has written an obituary notice +of the other. The dialogue is full of crisp humor. "McDonough's Wife," +another drama that appears in the volume, is based on a legend, and +explains how a whole town rendered honor against its will. "The Bogie +Men" has as its underlying situation an amusing misunderstanding of two +chimney-sweeps. The wit and absurdity of the dialogue are in Lady +Gregory's best vein. "Damer's Gold" contains the story of a miser beset +by his gold-hungry relations. Their hopes and plans are upset by one +they had believed to be of the simple of the world, but who confounds +the Wisdom of the Wise. "The Full Moon" presents a little comedy enacted +on an Irish railway station. It is characterized by humor of an original +and delightful character and repartee that is distinctly clever. + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK LONDON + + + + +Irish Plays +By +LADY GREGORY + + +Lady Gregory's name has become a household word in America and her works +should occupy an exclusive niche in every library. Mr. George Bernard +Shaw, in a recently published interview, said Lady Gregory "is the +greatest living Irishwoman.... Even in the plays of Lady Gregory, +penetrated as they are by that intense love of Ireland which is +unintelligible to the many drunken blackguards with Irish names who make +their nationality an excuse for their vices and their worthlessness, +there is no flattery of the Irish; she writes about the Irish as Molière +wrote about the French, having a talent curiously like Molière." + +"The witchery of Yeats, the vivid imagination of Synge, the amusing +literalism mixed with the pronounced romance of their imitators, have +their place and have been given their praise without stint. But none of +these can compete with Lady Gregory for the quality of universality. The +best beauty in Lady Gregory's art is its spontaneity. It is never +forced.... She has read and dreamed and studied, and slept and wakened +and worked, and the great ideas that have come to her have been +nourished and trained till they have grown to be of great +stature."--_Chicago Tribune._ + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK LONDON + + + + +Irish Folk-History Plays +By +LADY GREGORY + + +_First Series. The Tragedies_ +GRANIA +KINCORA +DERVORGILLA + +_Second Series. The Tragic Comedies_ +THE CANAVANS +THE WHITE COCKADE +THE DELIVERER + +_2 vols. Each, $1.50 net. By mail, $1.65_ + +Lady Gregory has preferred going for her material to the traditional +folk-history rather than to the authorized printed versions, and she has +been able, in so doing, to make her plays more living. One of these, +=Kincora=, telling of Brian Boru, who reigned in the year 1000, evoked +such keen local interest that an old farmer travelled from the +neighborhood of Kincora to see it acted in Dublin. + +The story of =Grania=, on which Lady Gregory has founded one of these +plays, was taken entirely from tradition. Grania was a beautiful young +woman and was to have been married to Finn, the great leader of the +Fenians; but before the marriage, she went away from the bridegroom with +his handsome young kinsman, Diarmuid. After many years, when Diarmuid +had died (and Finn had a hand in his death), she went back to Finn and +became his queen. + +Another of Lady Gregory's plays, =The Canavans= dealt with the stormy +times of Queen Elizabeth, whose memory is a horror in Ireland second +only to that of Cromwell. + +=The White Cockade= is founded on a tradition of King James having escaped +from Ireland after the battle of the Boyne in a wine barrel. + +The choice of folk history rather than written history gives a freshness +of treatment and elasticity of material which made the late J.M. Synge +say that "Lady Gregory's method had brought back the possibility of +writing historic plays." + +All these plays, except =Grania=, which has not yet been staged, have been +very successfully performed in Ireland. They are written in the dialect +of Kiltartan, which had already become familiar to leaders of Lady +Gregory's books. + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK LONDON + + + + +_Dramas of Importance_ + + +Plays +The Silver Box--Joy--Strife +By John Galsworthy +Author of "The Country House," etc. +Crown 8vo. $1.35 net + +"By common consent, London has witnessed this week a play of serious +importance, not approached by any other book or drama of the season, +John Galsworthy's 'The Strife.' It is regarded not merely as a +remarkable social document of significance, but as a creation which, +while of the most modern realism, is yet classic in its pronounced art +and exalted philosophy. The play shows the types of the strongest men as +victims of comical events and of weaker men. It will be produced in +America, where, on account of its realistic treatment of the subject of +labor union, it is sure to be a sensation."--_Special cable dispatch to +N.Y. Times._ + + +The Nun of Kent +A Drama +By Grace Denio Litchfield +Author of "Baldur the Beautiful," etc. +Crown 8vo. $1.00 net + +"In this drama the pure essentials of dramatic writing are rarely +blended.... The foundation for the stirring play is a pathetic episode +given in Froude's Henry VIII.... + +"The lines of the poem, while full of thought, are also characterized by +fervor and beauty. The strength of the play is centred upon a few +characters.... 'The Nun of Kent' may be described as a fascinating +dramatic story."--_Baltimore News._ + + +Yzdra +A Tragedy in Three Acts +By Louis V. Ledoux +Crown 8vo. Cloth. $1.25 net + +"There are both grace and strength in this drama and it also possesses +the movement and spirit needed for presentation upon the stage. Some of +the figures used are striking and beautiful, quite free from excess, and +sometimes almost austere in their restraint. The characters are clearly +individualized and a just balance is preserved in the action."--_The +Outlook, New York._ + +New York G.P. Putnam's Sons London + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Magic, by G.K. Chesterton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAGIC *** + +***** This file should be named 19094-8.txt or 19094-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/0/9/19094/ + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger, Brian Janes, Melissa Er-Raqabi +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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Chesterton. + </title> + <style type="text/css"> +/*<![CDATA[ XML blockout */ +<!-- + p { margin-top: .75em; + text-align: justify; + margin-bottom: .75em; + } + + + h1 { letter-spacing: .8em; + text-align: center; + } + + + h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { + text-align: center; /* all headings centered */ + clear: both; + } + hr { width: 33%; + margin-top: 2em; + margin-bottom: 2em; + margin-left: auto; + margin-right: auto; + clear: both; + } + + table {margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;} + + body{margin-left: 15%; + margin-right: 15%; + } + + .pagenum { /* uncomment the next line for invisible page numbers */ + /* visibility: hidden; */ + position: absolute; + left: 92%; + font-size: smaller; + text-align: right; + } /* page numbers */ + + .blockquot{margin-left: 5%; margin-right: 10%;} + + + .bb {border-bottom: solid 2px;} + .bl {border-left: solid 2px;} + .bt {border-top: solid 2px;} + .br {border-right: solid 2px;} + .bbox {border: solid 1px; padding-bottom: 1em; padding-top: 1em; + padding-left: 1em; padding-right: 1em; } + + .center {text-align: center;} + .right {text-align: right; margin-left: 20%; text-indent: -5%;} + + .smcap {font-variant: small-caps;} + .u {text-decoration: underline;} + + .hanging {margin-left: 20%; text-indent: -5%; + text-align:justify;} + + .hanging2 {margin-left: 5%; text-indent: -5%; + text-align:justify;} + + + .caption {font-weight: bold;} + + .figcenter {margin: auto; text-align: center;} + + .figleft {float: left; clear: left; margin-left: 0; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-top: + 1em; margin-right: 1em; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .figright {float: right; clear: right; margin-left: 1em; margin-bottom: 1em; + margin-top: 1em; margin-right: 0; padding: 0; text-align: center;} + + .poem {margin-left:10%; margin-right:10%; text-align: left;} + .poem br {display: none;} + .poem .stanza {margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;} + .poem span.i0 {display: block; margin-left: 0em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i2 {display: block; margin-left: 2em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + .poem span.i4 {display: block; margin-left: 4em; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em;} + // --> + /* XML end ]]>*/ + </style> + </head> +<body> + + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Magic, by G.K. Chesterton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Magic + A Fantastic Comedy + +Author: G.K. Chesterton + +Release Date: August 21, 2006 [EBook #19094] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAGIC *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger, Brian Janes, Melissa Er-Raqabi +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +</pre> + + + + + + + + +<h1> MAGIC</h1> +<h3>A FANTASTIC COMEDY</h3> + + + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/image004.jpg" +alt="G.K. Chesterton - From a photograph" title="G.K. Chesterton - From a photograph" /> +<span class="caption">G.K. Chesterton<br /><small>From a photograph</small></span> +<br /><br /><br /><br /></div> + + +<h2>MAGIC</h2> +<h3>A FANTASTIC COMEDY</h3> + +<h4>BY</h4> +<h3>G.K. CHESTERTON</h3> + + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/006.png" +alt="Mark" title="Mark" /> +</div> + +<p class="center">G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS<br /> +NEW YORK AND LONDON<br /> +The Knickerbocker Press<br /> +1913 +<br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + + +<p class="center"><span class="smcap">Copyright</span>, 1913<br /> +<small>BY</small><br /> +G.K. CHESTERTON +<br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + +<p class="center">The Knickerbocker Press, New York +<br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="The Characters"> +<tr><td align='center'><span class="smcap">THE CHARACTERS</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center'><span class="smcap"> </span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Duke</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Doctor Grimthorpe</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Rev. Cyril Smith</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Morris Carleon</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Hastings</span>, <i>the Duke's Secretary</i></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Stranger</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Patricia Carleon</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center'><span class="smcap"> </span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='center'><i>The action takes place in the Duke's Drawing-room.</i></td></tr> +</table></div> + + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="NOTE" id="NOTE"></a>NOTE</h2> + +<p><span class="smcap">This</span> play was presented under the management of +Kenelm Foss at The Little Theatre, London, on +November 7, 1913, with the following cast:</p> + + + +<div class='center'> +<table border="0" cellpadding="2" cellspacing="0" summary="Cast List"> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Stranger</span></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Franklin Dyall</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Patricia Carleon</span></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Miss Grace Croft</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Rev. Cyril Smith </span></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">O.P. Heggie</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Dr. Grimthorpe</span></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">William Farren</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">The Duke</span></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Fred Lewis</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Hastings</span></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Frank Randell</span></td></tr> +<tr><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Morris Carleon</span></td><td align='left'><span class="smcap">Lyonel Watts</span></td></tr> +</table></div> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="THE_PRELUDE" id="THE_PRELUDE"></a>THE PRELUDE</h2> + + +<div class="hanging2"><p><span class="smcap">Scene</span>: <i>A plantation of thin young trees, in a misty +and rainy twilight; some woodland blossom showing +the patches on the earth between the stems.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging2"><p><span class="smcap">The Stranger</span> <i>is discovered, a cloaked figure with +a pointed hood. His costume might belong to +modern or any other time, and the conical hood +is so drawn over the head that little can be seen +of the face.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging2"><p><i>A distant voice, a woman's, is heard, half-singing, +half-chanting, unintelligible words. The +cloaked figure raises its head and listens with +interest. The song draws nearer and</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia +Carleon</span> <i>enters. She is dark and slight, and +has a dreamy expression. Though she is +artistically dressed, her hair is a little wild. +She has a broken branch of some flowering tree +in her hand. She does not notice the stranger, +and though he has watched her with interest, +makes no sign. Suddenly she perceives him +and starts back.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Oh! Who are you?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> Ah! Who am I? [<i>Commences to mutter +to himself, and maps out the ground with his staff.</i>]</p> + +<div class="poem"><div class="stanza"> +<span class="i0">I have a hat, but not to wear;<br /></span> +<span class="i0">I wear a sword, but not to slay,<br /></span> +<span class="i0">And ever in my bag I bear<br /></span> +<span class="i0">A pack of cards, but not to play.<br /></span> +</div></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> What are you? What are you +saying?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> It is the language of the fairies, O +daughter of Eve.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> But I never thought fairies were +like you. Why, you are taller than I am.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> We are of such stature as we will. +But the elves grow small, not large, when they +would mix with mortals.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> You mean they are beings greater +than we are.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> Daughter of men, if you would see +a fairy as he truly is, look for his head above all +the stars and his feet amid the floors of the sea. +Old women have taught you that the fairies are +too small to be seen. But I tell you the fairies +are too mighty to be seen. For they are the elder +gods before whom the giants were like pigmies. +They are the Elemental Spirits, and any one of +them is larger than the world. And you look for +them in acorns and on toadstools and wonder that +you never see them.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> But you come in the shape and size +of a man?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> Because I would speak with a +woman.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Drawing back in awe.</i>] I think +you are growing taller as you speak.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The scene appears to fade away, and give +place to the milieu of</i> <span class="smcap">Act One</span>, <i>the +Duke's drawing-room, an apartment with +open French windows or any opening +large enough to show a garden and one +house fairly near. It is evening, and +there is a red lamp lighted in the house +beyond. The</i> <span class="smcap">Rev. Cyril Smith</span> <i>is +sitting with hat and umbrella beside him, +evidently a visitor. He is a young man +with the highest of High Church dog-collars +and all the qualities of a restrained +fanatic. He is one of the Christian +Socialist sort and takes his priesthood +seriously. He is an honest man, and +not an ass.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>To him enters</i> <span class="smcap">Mr. Hastings</span> <i>with papers +in his hand.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> Oh, good evening. You are Mr. +Smith. [<i>Pause.</i>] I mean you are the Rector, I +think.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I am the Rector.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> I am the Duke's secretary. His +Grace asks me to say that he hopes to see you very +soon; but he is engaged just now with the Doctor.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Is the Duke ill?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> [<i>Laughing.</i>] Oh, no; the Doctor +has come to ask him to help some cause or +other. The Duke is never ill.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Is the Doctor with him now?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> Why, strictly speaking, he is not. +The Doctor has gone over the road to fetch a paper +connected with his proposal. But he hasn't far +to go, as you can see. That's his red lamp at the +end of his grounds.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yes, I know. I am much obliged to +you. I will wait as long as is necessary.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> [<i>Cheerfully.</i>] Oh, it won't be very +long. </p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Enter by the garden doors</i> <span class="smcap">Dr. Grimthorpe</span> +<i>reading an open paper. He is an old-fashioned +practitioner, very much of a +gentleman and very carefully dressed in +a slightly antiquated style. He is about +sixty years old and might have been a +friend of Huxley's.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Folding up the paper.</i>] I beg your +pardon, sir, I did not notice there was anyone +here.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Amicably.</i>] I beg yours. A new +clergyman cannot expect to be expected. I only +came to see the Duke about some local affairs.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Smiling.</i>] And so, oddly enough, +did I. But I suppose we should both like to get +hold of him by a separate ear.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Oh, there's no disguise as far as I'm +concerned. I've joined this league for starting a +model public-house in the parish; and in plain +words, I've come to ask his Grace for a subscription +to it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Grimly.</i>] And, as it happens, I have +joined in the petition against the erection of a +model public-house in this parish. The similarity +of our position grows with every instant.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yes, I think we must have been twins.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>More good-humouredly.</i>] Well, what +is a model public-house? Do you mean a toy?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I mean a place where Englishmen can +get decent drink and drink it decently. Do you +call that a toy?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> No; I should call that a conjuring trick. +Or, in apology to your cloth, I will say a miracle.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I accept the apology to my cloth. I +am doing my duty as a priest. How can the +Church have a right to make men fast if she does +not allow them to feast?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Bitterly.</i>] And when you have done +feasting them, you will send them to me to be +cured.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yes; and when you've done curing +them you'll send them to me to be buried.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>After a pause, laughing.</i>] Well, you +have all the old doctrines. It is only fair you +should have all the old jokes too.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Laughing also.</i>] By the way, you call +it a conjuring trick that poor people should drink +moderately.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> I call it a chemical discovery that +alcohol is not a food.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> You don't drink wine yourself?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Mildly startled.</i>] Drink wine! Well—what +else is there to drink?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> So drinking decently is a conjuring +trick that you can do, anyhow?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Still good-humouredly.</i>] Well, well, +let us hope so. Talking about conjuring tricks, +there is to be conjuring and all kinds of things +here this afternoon.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Conjuring? Indeed? Why is that?</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Hastings</span> <i>with a letter in each hand.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> His Grace will be with you presently. +He asked me to deal with the business matter +first of all.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He gives a note to each of them.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Turning eagerly to the</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor.</span>] But +this is rather splendid. The Duke's given £50 to +the new public-house.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> The Duke is very liberal.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Collects papers.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Examining his cheque.</i>] Very. But +this is rather curious. He has also given £50 to +the league for opposing the new public-house.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> The Duke is very liberal-minded. </p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Staring at his cheque.</i>] Liberal-minded!... +Absent-minded, I should call it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Sitting down and lighting a cigar.</i>] +Well, yes. The Duke does suffer a little from +absence [<i>puts his cigar in his mouth and pulls during +the pause</i>] of mind. He is all for compromise. +Don't you know the kind of man who, when you +talk to him about the five best breeds of dog, always +ends up by buying a mongrel? The Duke is the +kindest of men, and always trying to please +everybody. He generally finishes by pleasing +nobody.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yes; I think I know the sort of thing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Take this conjuring, for instance. +You know the Duke has two wards who are to +live with him now?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yes. I heard something about a +nephew and niece from Ireland.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> The niece came from Ireland some +months ago, but the nephew comes back from +America to-night. [<i>He gets up abruptly and walks +about the room.</i>] I think I will tell you all about +it. In spite of your precious public-house you +seem to me to be a sane man. And I fancy I shall +want all the sane men I can get to-night.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Rising also.</i>] I am at your service. +Do you know, I rather guessed you did not come +here only to protest against my precious public-house.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Striding about in subdued excitement.</i>] +Well, you guessed right. I was family +physician to the Duke's brother in Ireland. I +knew the family pretty well.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Quietly.</i>] I suppose you mean you +knew something odd about the family?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Well, they saw fairies and things of +that sort.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> And I suppose, to the medical mind, seeing +fairies means much the same as seeing snakes?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>With a sour smile.</i>] Well, they saw +them in Ireland. I suppose it's quite correct to +see fairies in Ireland. It's like gambling at Monte +Carlo. It's quite respectable. But I do draw +the line at their seeing fairies in England. I do +object to their bringing their ghosts and goblins +and witches into the poor Duke's own back garden +and within a yard of my own red lamp. It shows +a lack of tact.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> But I do understand that the Duke's +nephew and niece see witches and fairies between +here and your lamp.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He walks to the garden window and looks out.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Well, the nephew has been in America. +It stands to reason you can't see fairies in +America. But there is this sort of superstition +in the family, and I am not easy in my mind about +the girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Why, what does she do?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Oh, she wanders about the park and +the woods in the evenings. Damp evenings for +choice. She calls it the Celtic twilight. I've no +use for the Celtic twilight myself. It has a tendency +to get on the chest. But what is worse, she +is always talking about meeting somebody, some +elf or wizard or something. I don't like it at all.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Have you told the Duke?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>With a grim smile.</i>] Oh, yes, I told +the Duke. The result was the conjurer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>With amazement.</i>] The <i>conjurer</i>?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Puts down his cigar in the ash-tray.</i>] +The Duke is indescribable. He will be here presently, +and you shall judge for yourself. Put two +or three facts or ideas before him, and the thing +he makes out of them is always something that +seems to have nothing to do with it. Tell any +other human being about a girl dreaming of the +fairies and her practical brother from America, +and he would settle it in some obvious way and +satisfy some one: send her to America or let her +have her fairies in Ireland. Now the Duke thinks +a conjurer would just meet the case. I suppose +he vaguely thinks it would brighten things up, +and somehow satisfy the believers' interest in +supernatural things and the unbelievers' interest +in smart things. As a matter of fact the unbeliever +thinks the conjurer's a fraud, and the +believer thinks he's a fraud, too. The conjurer +satisfies nobody. That is why he satisfies the +Duke.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span>, <i>with</i> <span class="smcap">Hastings</span>, <i>carrying +papers. The</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span> <i>is a healthy, hearty +man in tweeds, with a rather wandering +eye. In the present state of the peerage +it is necessary to explain that the</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span>, +<i>though an ass, is a gentleman.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. Good-morning, Mr. Smith. So sorry +to have kept you waiting, but we're rather in a +rush to-day. [<i>Turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Hastings</span>, <i>who has gone +over to a table with the papers.</i>] You know Mr. +Carleon is coming this afternoon?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings</span>. Yes, your Grace. His train will +be in by now. I have sent the trap.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. Thank you. [<i>Turning to the other two.</i>] +My nephew, Dr. Grimthorpe, Morris, you know, +Miss Carleon's brother from America. I hear +he's been doing great things out there. Petrol, +or something. Must move with the times, eh?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>. I'm afraid Mr. Smith doesn't always +agree with moving with the times.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. Oh, come, come! Progress, you know, +progress! Of course I know how busy you are; +you mustn't overwork yourself, you know. Hastings +was telling me you laughed over those subscriptions +of mine. Well, well, I believe in looking +at both sides of a question, you know. Aspects, +as old Buffle called them. Aspects. [<i>With an +all-embracing gesture of the arm.</i>] You represent +the tendency to drink in moderation, and you do +good in <i>your</i> way. The Doctor represents the +tendency not to drink at all; and he does good in +<i>his</i> way. We can't be Ancient Britons, you know.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>A prolonged and puzzled silence, such as +always follows the more abrupt of the</i> +<span class="smcap">Duke's</span> <i>associations or disassociations +of thought.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith</span>. [<i>At last, faintly.</i>] Ancient Britons....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>. [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span> <i>in a low voice</i>.] Don't +bother. It's only his broad-mindedness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. [<i>With unabated cheerfulness.</i>] I saw +the place you're putting up for it, Mr. Smith. +Very good work. Very good work, indeed. Art +for the people, eh? I particularly liked that woodwork +over the west door—I'm glad to see you're +using the new sort of graining ... why, it all +reminds one of the French Revolution.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Another silence. As the</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span> <i>lounges +alertly about the room</i>, <span class="smcap">Smith</span> <i>speaks to +the</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> <i>in an undertone.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith</span>. Does it remind you of the French +Revolution?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>. As much as of anything else. His +Grace never reminds me of anything.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>A young and very high American voice is +heard calling in the garden. "Say, could +somebody see to one of these trunks?"</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<span class="smcap">Mr. Hastings</span> <i>goes out into the garden. He +returns with</i> <span class="smcap">Morris Carleon</span>, <i>a very +young man: hardly more than a boy, but +with very grown-up American dress and +manners. He is dark, smallish, and +active; and the racial type under his +Americanism is Irish.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris</span>. [<i>Humorously, as he puts in his head +at the window.</i>] See here, does a Duke live here?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>. [<i>Who is nearest to him, with great +gravity.</i>] Yes, only one.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris</span>. I reckon he's the one I want, anyhow. +I'm his nephew.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span>, <i>who is ruminating in the foreground, +with one eye rather off, turns at +the voice and shakes</i> <span class="smcap">Morris</span> <i>warmly by +the hand.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. Delighted to see you, my dear boy. +I hear you've been doing very well for yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris</span>. [<i>Laughing.</i>] Well, pretty well, Duke; +and better still for Paul T. Vandam, I guess. I +manage the old man's mines out in Arizona, you +know.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. [<i>Shaking his head sagaciously.</i>] Ah, +very go-ahead man! Very go-ahead methods, +I'm told. Well, I dare say he does a great deal +of good with his money. And we can't go back +to the Spanish Inquisition.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Silence, during which the three men look at +each other</i>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris</span>. [<i>Abruptly</i>.] And how's Patricia?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. [<i>A little hazily</i>.] Oh, she's very well, +I think. She.... </p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He hesitates slightly</i>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris</span>. [<i>Smiling</i>.] Well, then, where's Patricia?</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>There is a slightly embarrassed pause, and +the</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> <i>speaks</i>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>. Miss Carleon is walking about the +grounds, I think.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<span class="smcap">Morris</span> <i>goes to the garden doors and looks +out</i>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris</span>. It's a mighty chilly night to choose. +Does my sister commonly select such evenings to +take the air—and the damp?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>. [<i>After a pause</i>.] If I may say so, I +quite agree with you. I have often taken the +liberty of warning your sister against going out +in all weathers like this.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. [<i>Expansively waving his hands about</i>.] +The artist temperament! What I always call the +artistic temperament! Wordsworth, you know, +and all that. </p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Silence</i>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris</span>. [<i>Staring</i>.] All what?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Continuing to lecture with enthusiasm.</i>] +Why, everything's temperament, you know! It's +her temperament to see the fairies. It's my temperament +not to see the fairies. Why, I've walked +all round the grounds twenty times and never saw +a fairy. Well, it's like that about this wizard or +whatever she calls it. For her there is somebody +there. For us there would not be somebody +there. Don't you see?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Advancing excitedly.</i>] Somebody +there! What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Airily.</i>] Well, you can't quite call it +a man.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Violently.</i>] A man!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Well, as old Buffle used to say, what is +a man?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>With a strong rise of the American +accent.</i>] With your permission, Duke, I eliminate +old Buffle. Do you mean that anybody has had +the tarnation coolness to suggest that some man....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Oh, not a <i>man</i>, you know. A magician, +something mythical, you know.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Not a <i>man</i>, but a medicine man.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Grimly.</i>] I am a medicine man.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> And you don't look mythical, Doc.</p> + +<div class="hanging">[<i>He bites his finger and begins to pace restlessly +up and down the room</i>.</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Well, you know, the artistic temperament....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Turning suddenly.</i>] See here, Duke! +In most commercial ways we're a pretty forward +country. In these moral ways we're content to +be a pretty backward country. And if you ask +me whether I like my sister walking about the +woods on a night like this! Well, I don't.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> I am afraid you Americans aren't so +advanced as I'd hoped. Why! as old Buffle used +to say....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>As he speaks a distant voice is heard singing +in the garden; it comes nearer and nearer, +and</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span> <i>turns suddenly to the</i> +<span class="smcap">Doctor</span>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Whose voice is that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> It is no business of mine to decide!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Walking to the window.</i>] You need +not trouble. I know who it is.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia Carleon</span></p> + +<p>[<i>Still agitated.</i>] Patricia, where have you been?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Rather wearily.</i>] Oh! in Fairyland.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Genially.</i>] And whereabouts is that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> It's rather different from other +places. It's either nowhere or it's wherever you +are.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Sharply.</i>] Has it any inhabitants?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Generally only two. Oneself and +one's shadow. But whether he is my shadow or +I am his shadow is never found out.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> He? Who?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Seeming to understand his annoyance +for the first time, and smiling.</i>] Oh, you needn't +get conventional about it, Morris. He is not a +mortal.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> What's his name?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> We have no names there. You +never really know anybody if you know his +name.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> What does he look like?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I have only met him in the twilight. +He seems robed in a long cloak, with a peaked cap +or hood like the elves in my nursery stories. +Sometimes when I look out of the window here, +I see him passing round this house like a shadow; +and see his pointed hood, dark against the sunset +or the rising of the moon.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> What does he talk about?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> He tells me the truth. Very many +true things. He is a wizard.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> How do you know he's a wizard? I +suppose he plays some tricks on you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I should know he was a wizard if he +played no tricks. But once he stooped and picked +up a stone and cast it into the air, and it flew up +into God's heaven like a bird.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Was that what first made you think +he was a wizard?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Oh, no. When I first saw him he +was tracing circles and pentacles in the grass and +talking the language of the elves.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Sceptically.</i>] Do you know the language +of the elves?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Not until I heard it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Lowering his voice as if for his sister, +but losing patience so completely that he talks much +louder than he imagines.</i>] See here, Patricia, I +reckon this kind of thing is going to be the limit. +I'm just not going to have you let in by some +blamed tramp or fortune-teller because you choose +to read minor poetry about the fairies. If this +gipsy or whatever he is troubles you again....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Putting his hand on</i> <span class="smcap">Morris's</span> <i>shoulder.</i>] +Come, you must allow a little more for +poetry. We can't all feed on nothing but petrol.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Quite right, quite right. And being +Irish, don't you know, Celtic, as old Buffle used +to say, charming songs, you know, about the Irish +girl who has a plaid shawl—and a Banshee. +[<i>Sighs profoundly.</i>] Poor old Gladstone!</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Silence as usual.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Speaking to</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor.</span>] I thought you +yourself considered the family superstition bad +for the health?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> I consider a family superstition is +better for the health than a family quarrel. [<i>He +walks casually across to</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia.</span>] Well, it must +be nice to be young and still see all those stars and +sunsets. We old buffers won't be too strict with +you if your view of things sometimes gets a bit—mixed +up, shall we say? If the stars get loose +about the grass by mistake; or if, once or twice, +the sunset gets into the east. We should only +say, "Dream as much as you like. Dream for all +mankind. Dream for us who can dream no longer. +But do not quite forget the difference."</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> What difference?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> The difference between the things +that are beautiful and the things that are there. +That red lamp over my door isn't beautiful; but +it's there. You might even come to be glad it is +there, when the stars of gold and silver have +faded. I am an old man now, but some men are +still glad to find my red star. I do not say they +are the wise men.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Somewhat affected.</i>] Yes, I know +you are good to everybody. But don't you think +there may be floating and spiritual stars which +will last longer than the red lamps?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>With decision.</i>] Yes. But they are +fixed stars.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> The red lamp will last my time.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Capital! Capital! Why, it's like +Tennyson. [<i>Silence.</i>] I remember when I was +an undergrad....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The red light disappears; no one sees it at +first except</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia</span>, <i>who points excitedly.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> What's the matter?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> The red star is gone.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Nonsense! [<i>Rushes to the garden +doors.</i>] It's only somebody standing in front of +it. Say, Duke, there's somebody standing in the +garden.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Calmly.</i>] I told you he walked +about the garden.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> If it's that fortune-teller of yours....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Disappears into the garden, followed by the</i> +<span class="smcap">Doctor.</span></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Staring.</i>] Somebody in the garden! +Really, this Land Campaign.... </p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Silence.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<span class="smcap">Morris</span> <i>reappears rather breathless.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> A spry fellow, your friend. He +slipped through my hands like a shadow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I told you he was a shadow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Well, I guess there's going to be a +shadow hunt. Got a lantern, Duke?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Oh, you need not trouble. He will +come if I call him.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>She goes out into the garden and calls out +some half-chanted and unintelligible +words, somewhat like the song preceding +her entrance. The red light reappears; +and there is a slight sound as of fallen +leaves shuffled by approaching feet. The +cloaked</i> <span class="smcap">Stranger</span> <i>with the pointed hood +is seen standing outside the garden +doors</i>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> You may enter all doors.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The figure comes into the room</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Shutting the garden doors behind him.</i>] +Now, see here, wizard, we've got you. And we +know you're a fraud.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Quietly.</i>] Pardon me, I do not fancy +that we know that. For myself I must confess +to something of the Doctor's agnosticism.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Excited, and turning almost with a +snarl.</i>] I didn't know you parsons stuck up for +any fables but your own.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I stick up for the thing every man has +a right to. Perhaps the only thing that every +man has a right to.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> And what is that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> The benefit of the doubt. Even your +master, the petroleum millionaire, has a right to +that. And I think he needs it more.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> I don't think there's much doubt +about the question, Minister. I've met this sort +of fellow often enough—the sort of fellow who +wheedles money out of girls by telling them he +can make stones disappear.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>To the</i> <span class="smcap">Stranger.</span>] Do you say +you can make stones disappear?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> Yes. I can make stones disappear.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Roughly.</i>] I reckon you're the kind +of tough who knows how to make a watch and +chain disappear.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> Yes; I know how to make a watch +and chain disappear.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> And I should think you were pretty +good at disappearing yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> I have done such a thing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>With a sneer.</i>] Will you disappear +now?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> [<i>After reflection.</i>] No, I think I'll +appear instead. [<i>He throws back his hood, showing +the head of an intellectual-looking man, young but +rather worn. Then he unfastens his cloak and +throws it off, emerging in complete modern evening +dress. He advances down the room towards the</i> +<span class="smcap">Duke</span>, <i>taking out his watch as he does so.</i>] Good-evening, +your Grace. I'm afraid I'm rather too +early for the performance. But this gentleman +[<i>with a gesture towards</i> <span class="smcap">Morris</span>] seemed rather +impatient for it to begin.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Rather at a loss.</i>] Oh, good-evening. +Why, really—are you the...?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> [<i>Bowing.</i>] Yes. I am the Conjurer.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>There is general laughter, except from</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> +<i>As the others mingle in talk, the</i> +<span class="smcap">Stranger</span> <i>goes up to her.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> [<i>Very sadly.</i>] I am very sorry I +am not a wizard.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I wish you were a thief instead.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> Have I committed a worse crime +than thieving?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> You have committed the cruellest +crime, I think, that there is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> And what is the cruellest crime?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Stealing a child's toy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Stranger.</span> And what have I stolen?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> A fairy tale.</p> + + +<p class="center">CURTAIN</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="ACT_II" id="ACT_II"></a>ACT II</h2> + + +<div class="hanging2"><p><i>The same room lighted more brilliantly an hour later +in the evening. On one side a table covered with +packs of cards, pyramids, etc., at which the</i> +<span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> <i>in evening dress is standing quietly +setting out his tricks. A little more in the foreground +the</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span>; <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Hastings</span> <i>with a number +of papers.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> There are only a few small matters. +Here are the programmes of the entertainment +your Grace wanted. Mr. Carleon wishes to see +them very much.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Thanks, thanks. [<i>Takes the programmes.</i>]</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> Shall I carry them for your Grace?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> No, no; I shan't forget, I shan't forget. +Why, you've no idea how businesslike I am. We +have to be, you know. [<i>Vaguely.</i>] I know you're +a bit of a Socialist; but I assure you there's a good +deal to do—stake in the country, and all that. +Look at remembering faces now! The King never +forgets faces. [<i>Waves the programmes about.</i>] I +never forget faces. [<i>Catches sight of the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> +<i>and genially draws him into the discussion.</i>] Why, +the Professor here who performs before the King +[<i>puts down the programmes</i>]—you see it on the +caravans, you know—performs before the King +almost every night, I suppose....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Smiling.</i>] I sometimes let his +Majesty have an evening off. And turn my +attention, of course, to the very highest nobility. +But naturally I have performed before every +sovereign potentate, white and black. There +never was a conjurer who hadn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> That's right, that's right! And you'll +say with me that the great business for a King is +remembering people?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I should say it was remembering +which people to remember.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Well, well, now.... [<i>Looks round +rather wildly for something.</i>] Being really businesslike....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> Shall I take the programmes for +your Grace?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Picking them up.</i>] No, no, I shan't +forget. Is there anything else?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> I have to go down the village about +the wire to Stratford. The only other thing at all +urgent is the Militant Vegetarians.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Ah! The Militant Vegetarians! You've +heard of them, I'm sure. Won't obey the law +[<i>to the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span>] so long as the Government serves +out meat.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Let them be comforted. There +are a good many people who don't get much meat.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Well, well, I'm bound to say they're +very enthusiastic. Advanced, too—oh, certainly +advanced. Like Joan of Arc.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Short silence, in which the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> <i>stares +at him.</i>]</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> <i>Was</i> Joan of Arc a Vegetarian?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Oh, well, it's a very high ideal, after all. +The Sacredness of Life, you know—the Sacredness +of Life. [<i>Shakes his head.</i>] But they carry it too +far. They killed a policeman down in Kent.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Killed a policeman? How Vegetarian! +Well, I suppose it was, so long as they +didn't eat him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> They are asking only for small subscriptions. +Indeed, they prefer to collect a large +number of half-crowns, to prove the popularity of +their movement. But I should advise....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Oh, give them three shillings, then.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> If I might suggest....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Hang it all! We gave the Anti-Vegetarians +three shillings. It seems only fair.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> If I might suggest anything, I +think your Grace will be wise not to subscribe in +this case. The Anti-Vegetarians have already +used their funds to form gangs ostensibly to protect +their own meetings. And if the Vegetarians +use theirs to break up the meetings—well, it will +look rather funny that we have paid roughs on +both sides. It will be rather difficult to explain +when it comes before the magistrate.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> But I shall be the magistrate. [<span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> +<i>stares at him again</i>.] That's the system, my +dear Hastings, that's the advantage of the system. +Not a logical system—no Rousseau in it—but see +how well it works! I shall be the very best magistrate +that could be on the Bench. The others +would be biassed, you know. Old Sir Lawrence is +a Vegetarian himself; and might be hard on the +Anti-Vegetarian roughs. Colonel Crashaw would +be sure to be hard on the Vegetarian roughs. But +if I've paid both of 'em, of course I shan't be hard +on either of 'em—and there you have it. Just +perfect impartiality.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> [<i>Restrainedly.</i>] Shall I take the +programmes, your Grace?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Heartily.</i>] No, no; I won't forget 'em. +[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Hastings</span>.] Well, Professor, what's the +news in the conjuring world?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I fear there is never any news in +the conjuring world.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Don't you have a newspaper or something? +Everybody has a newspaper now, you +know. The—er—Daily Sword-Swallower or that +sort of thing?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> No, I have been a journalist +myself; but I think journalism and conjuring will +always be incompatible.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Incompatible—Oh, but that's where I +differ—that's where I take larger views! Larger +laws, as old Buffle said. Nothing's <i>incompatible</i>, +you know—except husband and wife and so on; +you must talk to Morris about that. It's wonderful +the way incompatibility has gone forward in +the States.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I only mean that the two trades +rest on opposite principles. The whole point of +being a conjurer is that you won't explain a thing +that has happened.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Well, and the journalist?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Well, the whole point of being a +journalist is that you do explain a thing that +hasn't happened.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> But you'll want somewhere to discuss +the new tricks.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> There are no new tricks. And if +there were we shouldn't want 'em discussed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> I'm afraid you're not <i>really</i> advanced. +Are you interested in modern progress?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes. We are interested in all +tricks done by illusion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Well, well, I must go and see how +Morris is. Pleasure of seeing you later.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span>, +<i>leaving the programmes.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Why are nice men such asses? +[<i>Turns to arrange the table.</i>] That seems all right. +The pack of cards that is a pack of cards. And the +pack of cards that isn't a pack of cards. The hat +that looks like a gentleman's hat. But which, in +reality, is no gentleman's hat. Only my hat; and +I am not a gentleman. I am only a conjurer, and +this is only a conjurer's hat. I could not take off +this hat to a lady. I can take rabbits out of it, +goldfish out of it, snakes out of it. Only I mustn't +take my own head out of it. I suppose I'm a +lower animal than a rabbit or a snake. Anyhow +they can get out of the conjurer's hat; and I can't. +I am a conjurer and nothing else but a conjurer. +Unless I could show I was something else, and that +would be worse.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He begins to dash the cards rather irregularly +about the table. Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia</span>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Coldly</i>] I beg your pardon. I came +to get some programmes. My uncle wants them.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>She walks swiftly across and takes up the +programmes.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Still dashing cards about the table.</i>] +Miss Carleon, might I speak to you a moment? +[<i>He puts his hands in his pockets, stares at the table; +and his face assumes a sardonic expression.</i>] The +question is purely practical.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Pausing at the door.</i>] I can hardly +imagine what the question can be.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I am the question.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> And what have I to do with that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> You have everything to do with it. +I am the question: you....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Angrily.</i>] Well, what am I?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> You are the answer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> The answer to what?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Coming round to the front of the +table and sitting against it.</i>] The answer to me. +You think I'm a liar because I walked about the +fields with you and said I could make stones disappear. +Well, so I can. I'm a conjurer. In +mere point of fact, it wasn't a lie. But if it had +been a lie I should have told it just the same. I +would have told twenty such lies. You may or +may not know why.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I know nothing about such lies.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>She puts her hand on the handle of the door, +but the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span>, <i>who is sitting on the +table and staring at his boots, does not +notice the action, and goes on as in a +sincere soliloquy.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I don't know whether you have any +notion of what it means to a man like me to talk to +a lady like you, even on false pretences. I am an +adventurer. I am a blackguard, if one can earn +the title by being in all the blackguard societies of +the world. I have thought everything out by +myself, when I was a guttersnipe in Fleet Street, or, +lower still, a journalist in Fleet Street. Before I +met you I never guessed that rich people ever +thought at all. Well, that is all I have to say. +We had some good conversations, didn't we? I +am a liar. But I told you a great deal of the +truth.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He turns and resumes the arrangement of the +table.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Thinking.</i>] Yes, you did tell me a +great deal of the truth. You told me hundreds +and thousands of truths. But you never told me +the truth that one wants to know.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> And what is that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Turning back into the room.</i>] You +never told me the truth about yourself. You +never told me you were only the Conjurer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I did not tell you that because I do +not even know it. I do not know whether I am +only the Conjurer....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Sometimes I am afraid I am something +worse than the Conjurer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Seriously.</i>] I cannot think of anything +worse than a conjurer who does not call +himself a conjurer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Gloomily.</i>] There is something +worse. [<i>Rallying himself.</i>] But that is not what +I want to say. Do you really find that very +unpardonable? Come, let me put you a case. +Never mind about whether it is our case. A man +spends his time incessantly in going about in +third-class carriages to fifth-rate lodgings. He has +to make up new tricks, new patter, new nonsense, +sometimes every night of his life. Mostly he has +to do it in the beastly black cities of the Midlands +and the North, where he can't get out into the +country. Now and again he does it at some +gentleman's country-house, where he can get out +into the country. Well, you know that actors +and orators and all sorts of people like to rehearse +their effects in the open air if they can. [<i>Smiles.</i>] +You know that story of the great statesman who +was heard by his own gardener saying, as he paced +the garden, "Had I, Mr. Speaker, received the +smallest intimation that I could be called upon to +speak this evening...." [<span class="smcap">Patricia</span> <i>controls a +smile, and he goes on with overwhelming enthusiasm.</i>] +Well, conjurers are just the same. It takes some +time to prepare an impromptu. A man like that +walks about the woods and fields doing all his +tricks beforehand, and talking all sorts of gibberish +because he thinks he is alone. One evening this +man found he was not alone. He found a very +beautiful child was watching him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> A child?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes. That was his first impression. +He is an intimate friend of mine. I have known +him all my life. He tells me he has since discovered +she is not a child. She does not fulfil the definition.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> What is the definition of a child?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Somebody you can play with.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Abruptly.</i>] Why did you wear that +cloak with the hood up?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Smiling.</i>] I think it escaped your +notice that it was raining.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Smiling faintly.</i>] And what did +this friend of yours do?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> You have already told me what he +did. He destroyed a fairy tale, for he created a +fairy tale that he was bound to destroy. [<i>Swinging +round suddenly on the table.</i>] But do you blame +a man very much, Miss Carleon, if he enjoyed the +only fairy tale he had had in his life? Suppose he +said the silly circles he was drawing for practice +were really magic circles? Suppose he said the +bosh he was talking was the language of the elves? +Remember, he has read fairy tales as much as you +have. Fairy tales are the only democratic institutions. +All the classes have heard all the fairy tales. +Do you blame him very much if he, too, tried to +have a holiday in fairyland?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Simply.</i>] I blame him less than I +did. But I still say there can be nothing worse +than false magic. And, after all, it was he who +brought the false magic.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Rising from his seat.</i>] Yes. It +was she who brought the real magic.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Morris</span>, <i>in evening-dress. He walks +straight up to the conjuring-table; and +picks up one article after another, putting +each down with a comment.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> I know that one. I know that. I +know that. Let's see, that's the false bottom, I +think. That works with a wire. I know +that; it goes up the sleeve. That's the false bottom +again. That's the substituted pack of cards—that....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Really, Morris, you mustn't talk as +if you knew everything.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Oh, I don't mind anyone knowing +everything, Miss Carleon. There is something +that is much more important than knowing how +a thing is done.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> And what's that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Knowing how to do it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Becoming nasal again in anger.</i>] That's +so, eh? Being the high-toned conjurer because +you can't any longer take all the sidewalk as a +fairy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Crossing the room and speaking +seriously to her brother.</i>] Really, Morris, you are +very rude. And it's quite ridiculous to be rude. +This gentleman was only practising some tricks by +himself in the garden. [<i>With a certain dignity.</i>] +If there was any mistake, it was mine. Come, +shake hands, or whatever men do when they +apologize. Don't be silly. He won't turn you +into a bowl of goldfish.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Reluctantly.</i>] Well, I guess that's +so. [<i>Offering his hand.</i>] Shake. [<i>They shake +hands.</i>] And you won't turn me into a bowl of +goldfish anyhow, Professor. I understand that +when you do produce a bowl of goldfish, they are +generally slips of carrot. That is so, Professor?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Sharply.</i>] Yes. [<i>Produces a bowl +of goldfish from his tail pockets and holds it under +the other's nose.</i>] Judge for yourself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>In monstrous excitement.</i>] Very +good! Very good! But I know how that's done—I +know how that's done. You have an india-rubber +cap, you know, or cover....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Goes back gloomily to his table and sits on it, +picking up a pack of cards and balancing +it in his hand.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Ah, most mysteries are tolerably +plain if you know the apparatus. [<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> +<i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>, <i>talking with grave faces, but growing +silent as they reach the group.</i>] I guess I wish we +had all the old apparatus of all the old Priests and +Prophets since the beginning of the world. I +guess most of the old miracles and that were a +matter of just panel and wires.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I don't quite understand you. +What old apparatus do you want so much?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Breaking out with all the frenzy of the +young free-thinker.</i>] Well, sir, I just want that old +apparatus that turned rods into snakes. I want +those smart appliances, sir, that brought water out +of a rock when old man Moses chose to hit it. I +guess it's a pity we've lost the machinery. I would +like to have those old conjurers here that called +themselves Patriarchs and Prophets in your +precious Bible....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Morris, you mustn't talk like that.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Well, I don't believe in religion....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Aside.</i>] Hush, hush. Nobody but +women believe in religion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Humorously.</i>] I think this is a +fitting opportunity to show you another ancient +conjuring trick.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Which one is that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> The Vanishing Lady!</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia.</span></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> There is one part of their old apparatus +I regret especially being lost.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Still excited.</i>] Yes!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> The apparatus for writing the Book of +Job.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Well, well, they didn't know everything +in those old times.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> No, and in those old times they knew +they didn't. [<i>Dreamily.</i>] Where shall wisdom be +found, and what is the place of understanding?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Somewhere in America, I believe.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Still dreamily.</i>] Man knoweth not the +price thereof; neither is it found in the land of the +living. The deep sayeth it is not in me, the sea +sayeth it is not with me. Death and destruction +say we have heard tell of it. God understandeth +the way thereof and He knoweth the place thereof. +For He looketh to the ends of the earth and seeth +under the whole Heaven. But to man He hath +said: Behold the fear of the Lord that is wisdom, +and to depart from evil is understanding. +[<i>Turns suddenly to the</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span>.] How's that for +Agnosticism, Dr. Grimthorpe? What a pity that +apparatus is lost.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Well, you may just smile how you +choose, I reckon. But I say the Conjurer here +could be the biggest man in the big blessed centuries +if he could just show us how the Holy old +tricks were done. We must say this for old man +Moses, that he was in advance of his time. When +he did the old tricks they were new tricks. He got +the pull on the public. He could do his tricks +before grown men, great bearded fighting men who +could win battles and sing Psalms. But this +modern conjuring is all behind the times. That's +why they only do it with schoolboys. There isn't +a trick on that table I don't know. The whole +trade's as dead as mutton; and not half so satisfying. +Why he [<i>pointing to the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span>] brought +out a bowl of goldfish just now—an old trick that +anybody could do.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Oh, I quite agree. The apparatus +is perfectly simple. By the way, let me have a +look at those goldfish of yours, will you?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Angrily.</i>] I'm not a paid play-actor +come here to conjure. I'm not here to do stale +tricks; I'm here to see through 'em. I say it's an +old trick and....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> True. But as you said, we never +show it except to schoolboys.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> And may I ask you, Professor Hocus +Pocus, or whatever your name is, whom you are +calling a schoolboy?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I beg your pardon. Your sister will +tell you I am sometimes mistaken about children.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> I forbid you to appeal to my sister.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> That is exactly what a schoolboy +would do.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>With abrupt and dangerous calm.</i>] +I am not a schoolboy, Professor. I am a quiet +business man. But I tell you in the country I +come from, the hand of a quiet business man goes +to his hip pocket at an insult like that.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Fiercely.</i>] Let it go to his pocket! +I thought the hand of a quiet business man more +often went to someone else's pocket.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> You....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Puts his hand to his hip. The</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> <i>puts +his hand on his shoulder.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Gentlemen, I think you are both +forgetting yourselves.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Perhaps. [<i>His tone sinks suddenly +to weariness.</i>] I ask pardon for what I said. It +was certainly in excess of the young gentleman's +deserts. [<i>Sighs.</i>] I sometimes rather wish I +could forget myself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Sullenly, after a pause.</i>] Well, the +entertainment's coming on; and you English don't +like a scene. I reckon I'll have to bury the +blamed old hatchet too.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>With a certain dignity, his social +type shining through his profession.</i>] Mr. Carleon, +you will forgive an old man, who knew your father +well, if he doubts whether you are doing yourself +justice in treating yourself as an American Indian, +merely because you have lived in America. In +my old friend Huxley's time we of the middle +classes disbelieved in reason and all sorts of things. +But we did believe in good manners. It is a pity +if the aristocracy can't. I don't like to hear you +say you are a savage and have buried a tomahawk. +I would rather hear you say, as your +Irish ancestors would have said, that you have +sheathed your sword with the dignity proper to a +gentleman.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Very well. I've sheathed my sword +with the dignity proper to a gentleman.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> And I have sheathed my sword +with the dignity proper to a conjurer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> How does the Conjurer sheath a sword?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Swallows it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Then we all agree there shall be no +quarrel.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> May I say a word? I have a great +dislike of a quarrel, for a reason quite beyond +my duty to my cloth.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> And what is that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I object to a quarrel because it always +interrupts an argument. May I bring you back +for a moment to the argument? You were saying +that these modern conjuring tricks are simply the +old miracles when they have once been found out. +But surely another view is possible. When we +speak of things being sham, we generally mean +that they are imitations of things that are genuine. +Take that Reynolds over there of the Duke's +great-grandfather. [<i>Points to a picture on the +wall.</i>] If I were to say it was a copy....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Wal, the Duke's real amiable; but I +reckon you'd find what you call the interruption +of an argument.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Well, suppose I did say so, you wouldn't +take it as meaning that Sir Joshua Reynolds never +lived. Why should sham miracles prove to us +that real Saints and Prophets never lived. There +may be sham magic and real magic also.</p> + +<div class="hanging"> +<p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> <i>raises his head and listens +with a strange air of intentness.</i></p> +</div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> There may be turnip ghosts precisely +because there are real ghosts. There may be +theatrical fairies precisely because there are real +fairies. You do not abolish the Bank of England +by pointing to a forged bank-note.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> I hope the Professor enjoys being +called a forged bank-note.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Almost as much as being called the +Prospectus of some American Companies.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Gentlemen! Gentlemen!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I am sorry.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> Wal, let's have the argument first, +then I guess we can have the quarrel afterwards. +I'll clean this house of some encumbrances. See +here, Mr. Smith, I'm not putting anything on your +real miracle notion. I say, and Science says, that +there's a cause for everything. Science will find out +that cause, and sooner or later your old miracle will +look mighty mean. Sooner or later Science will botanise +a bit on your turnip ghosts; and make you look +turnips yourselves for having taken any. I say....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>In a low voice to</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.] I don't like +this peaceful argument of yours. The boy is +getting much too excited.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> You say old man Reynolds lived; and +Science don't say no. [<i>He turns excitedly to the +picture.</i>] But I guess he's dead now; and you'll +no more raise your Saints and Prophets from the +dead than you'll raise the Duke's great-grandfather +to dance on that wall.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The picture begins to sway slightly to and fro +on the wall.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Why, the picture is moving!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Turning furiously on the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span>] +You were in the room before us. Do you reckon +that will take us in? You can do all that with +wires.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Motionless and without looking up +from the table.</i>] Yes, I could do all that with wires.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> And you reckoned I shouldn't know. +[<i>Laughs with a high crowing laugh.</i>] That's how +the derned dirty Spiritualists do all their tricks. +They say they can make the furniture move of +itself. If it does move they move it; and we mean +to know how.</p> + +<div class="hanging"> +<p>[<i>A chair falls over with a slight crash.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<span class="smcap">Morris</span> <i>almost staggers and momentarily +fights for breath and words.</i></p></div> + + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> You ... why ... that ... every +one knows that ... a sliding plank. It can be +done with a sliding plank.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Without looking up.</i>] Yes. It +can be done with a sliding plank.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> <i>draws nearer to</i> <span class="smcap">Morris</span>, <i>who +faces about, addressing him passionately.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> You were right on the spot, Doc, +when you talked about that red lamp of yours. +That red lamp is the light of science that will put +out all the lanterns of your turnip ghosts. It's +a consuming fire, Doctor, but it is the red light of +the morning. [<i>Points at it in exalted enthusiasm.</i>] +Your priests can no more stop that light from +shining or change its colour and its radiance than +Joshua could stop the sun and moon. [<i>Laughs +savagely.</i>] Why, a real fairy in an elfin cloak +strayed too near the lamp an hour or two ago; and +it turned him into a common society clown with a +white tie.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The lamp at the end of the garden turns blue. +They all look at it in silence.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Splitting the silence on a high unnatural +note.</i>] Wait a bit! Wait a bit! I've +got you! I'll have you!... [<i>He strides wildly up +and down the room, biting his finger.</i>] You put a +wire ... no, that can't be it....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Speaking to him soothingly.</i>] Well, +well, just at this moment we need not inquire....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Turning on him furiously.</i>] You call +yourself a man of science, and you dare to tell me +not to inquire!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> We only mean that for the moment you +might let it alone.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Violently.</i>] No, Priest, I will not +let it alone. [<i>Pacing the room again.</i>] Could it be +done with mirrors? [<i>He clasps his brow.</i>] You +have a mirror.... [<i>Suddenly, with a shout.</i>] +I've got it! I've got it! Mixture of lights! Why +not? If you throw a green light on a red light....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Sudden silence</i>.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Quietly to the</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span>.] You don't get +blue.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Stepping across to the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span>.] +If you have done this trick, for God's sake undo it.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>After a silence, the light turns red again.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Dashing suddenly to the glass doors +and examining them.</i>] It's the glass! You've +been doing something to the glass!</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He stops suddenly and there is a long silence.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Still without moving.</i>] I don't +think you will find anything wrong with the glass.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Morris.</span> [<i>Bursting open the glass doors with a +crash.</i>] Then I'll find out what's wrong with the +lamp. </p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Disappears into the garden.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> It is still a wet night, I am +afraid.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yes. And somebody else will be wandering +about the garden now.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Through the broken glass doors</i> <span class="smcap">Morris</span> <i>can +be seen marching backwards and forwards +with swifter and swifter steps.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I suppose in this case the Celtic twilight +will not get on the chest.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Oh, if it were only the chest!</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia</span>.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Where is my brother?</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>There is an embarrassed silence, in which the</i> +<span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> <i>answers.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I am afraid he is walking about in +Fairyland.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> But he mustn't go out on a night +like this; it's very dangerous!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes, it is very dangerous. He +might meet a fairy.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> You went out in this sort of +weather and you met this sort of fairy, and so +far it has only brought you sorrow.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I am going out to find my brother.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>She goes out into the garden through the open +doors.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>After a silence, very suddenly.</i>] What +is that noise? She is not singing those songs to +him, is she?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> No. He does not understand the +language of the elves.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> But what are all those cries and gasps +I hear?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> The normal noises, I believe, of a +quiet business man.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Sir, I can understand your being +bitter, for I admit you have been uncivilly received; +but to speak like that just now....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<span class="smcap">Patricia</span> <i>reappears at the garden doors, very +pale.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Can I speak to the Doctor?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> My dear lady, certainly. Shall I +fetch the Duke?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I would prefer the Doctor.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Can I be of any use?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I only want the Doctor.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[Quietly.] That last was a wonderful trick of yours.</p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Quietly.</i>] That last was a wonderful +trick of yours.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Thank you. I suppose you mean +it was the only one you didn't see through.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Something of the kind, I confess. +Your last trick was the best trick I have ever seen. +It is so good that I wish you had not done it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> And so do I.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> How do you mean? Do you wish you +had never been a conjurer?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I wish I had never been born.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span>.</p></div> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>A silence. The</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> +<i>enters, very grave.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> It is all right so far. We have +brought him back.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Drawing near to him.</i>] You told me +there was mental trouble with the girl.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Looking at him steadily.</i>] No. I +told you there was mental trouble in the family.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>After a silence.</i>] Where is Mr. Morris +Carleon?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> I have got him into bed in the next +room. His sister is looking after him.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> His sister! Oh, then do you believe +in fairies?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Believe in fairies? What do you +mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> At least you put the person who does +believe in them in charge of the person who +doesn't.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Well, I suppose I do.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> You don't think she'll keep him awake +all night with fairy tales?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Certainly not.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> You don't think she'll throw the +medicine-bottle out of window and administer—er—a +dewdrop, or anything of that sort? Or a +four-leaved clover, say?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> No; of course not.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I only ask because you scientific men +are a little hard on us clergymen. You don't +believe in a priesthood; but you'll admit I'm more +really a priest than this Conjurer is really a magician. +You've been talking a lot about the Bible +and the Higher Criticism. But even by the Higher +Criticism the Bible is older than the language of +the elves—which was, as far as I can make out, +invented this afternoon. But Miss Carleon believed +in the wizard. Miss Carleon believed in the +language of the elves. And you put her in charge +of an invalid without a flicker of doubt: because +you trust women.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Very seriously.</i>] Yes, I trust +women.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> You trust a woman with the practical +issues of life and death, through sleepless hours +when a shaking hand or an extra grain would kill.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Yes.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> But if the woman gets up to go to +early service at my church, you call her weak-minded +and say that nobody but women can +believe in religion.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> I should never call this woman weak-minded—no, +by God, not even if she went to +church.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yet there are many as strong-minded +who believe passionately in going to church.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Weren't there as many who believed +passionately in Apollo?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> And what harm came of believing in +Apollo? And what a mass of harm may have +come of not believing in Apollo? Does it never +strike you that doubt can be a madness, as well be +faith? That asking questions may be a disease, +as well as proclaiming doctrines? You talk of +religious mania! Is there no such thing as irreligious +mania? Is there no such thing in the house +at this moment?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Then you think no one should question +at all.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>With passion, pointing to the next +room.</i>] I think <i>that</i> is what comes of questioning! +Why can't you leave the universe alone and let it +mean what it likes? Why shouldn't the thunder +be Jupiter? More men have made themselves +silly by wondering what the devil it was if it wasn't +Jupiter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Looking at him.</i>] Do you believe in +your own religion?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Returning the look equally steadily.</i>] +Suppose I don't: I should still be a fool to question +it. The child who doubts about Santa Claus has +insomnia. The child who believes has a good +night's rest.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> You are a Pragmatist.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span>, <i>absent-mindedly.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> That is what the lawyers call vulgar +abuse. But I do appeal to practise. Here is a +family over which you tell me a mental calamity +hovers. Here is the boy who questions everything +and a girl who can believe anything. Upon which +has the curse fallen?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Talking about the Pragmatists. I'm +glad to hear.... Ah, very forward movement! +I suppose Roosevelt now.... [<i>Silence.</i>] Well, +we move you know, we move! First there was the +Missing Link. [<i>Silence.</i>] No! <i>First</i> there was +Protoplasm—and <i>then</i> there was the Missing Link; +and Magna Carta and so on. [<i>Silence.</i>] Why, +look at the Insurance Act!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> I would rather not.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Wagging a playful finger at him.</i>] Ah, +prejudice, prejudice! You doctors, you know! +Well, I never had any myself. [<i>Silence.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Breaking the silence in unusual +exasperation.</i>] Any what?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Firmly.</i>] Never had any Marconis +myself. Wouldn't touch 'em. [<i>Silence.</i>] Well, +I must speak to Hastings.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span>, <i>aimlessly.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Exploding.</i>] Well, of all the.... +[<i>Turns to</i> <span class="smcap">Smith</span>.] You asked me just now which +member of the family had inherited the family +madness.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Yes; I did.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>In a low, emphatic voice.</i>] On my +living soul, I believe it must be the Duke.</p> + + +<p class="center">CURTAIN</p> + + + +<hr style="width: 65%;" /> +<h2><a name="ACT_III" id="ACT_III"></a>ACT III</h2> + + +<div class="hanging2"><p><i>Room partly darkened, a table with a lamp on it, and +an empty chair. From room next door faint +and occasional sounds of the tossing or talking +of the invalid.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging2"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor Grimthorpe</span> <i>with a rather careworn +air, and a medicine bottle in his hand. He puts +it on the table, and sits down in the chair as if +keeping a vigil.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging2"><p><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span>, <i>carrying his bag, and cloaked for +departure. As he crosses the room the</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> +<i>rises and calls after him.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Forgive me, but may I detain you for +one moment? I suppose you are aware that—[<i>he +hesitates</i>] that there have been rather grave developments +in the case of illness which happened +after your performance. I would not say, of +course, because of your performance.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Thank you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Slightly encouraged, but speaking very +carefully.</i>] Nevertheless, mental excitement is +necessarily an element of importance in physiological +troubles, and your triumphs this evening +were really so extraordinary that I cannot pretend +to dismiss them from my patient's case. He is at +present in a state somewhat analogous to delirium, +but in which he can still partially ask and answer +questions. The question he continually asks is +how you managed to do your last trick.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Ah! My last trick!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Now I was wondering whether we +could make any arrangement which would be fair +to you in the matter. Would it be possible for you +to give me in confidence the means of satisfying +this—this fixed idea he seems to have got. [<i>He +hesitates again, and picks his words more slowly.</i>] +This special condition of semi-delirious disputation +is a rare one, and connected in my experience +with rather unfortunate cases.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Looking at him steadily.</i>] Do you +mean he is going mad?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Rather taken aback for the first time.</i>] +Really, you ask me an unfair question. I could +not explain the fine shades of these things to a +layman. And even if—if what you suggest were +so, I should have to regard it as a professional +secret.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Still looking at him.</i>] And don't +you think you ask me a rather unfair question, +Dr. Grimthorpe? If yours is a professional secret, +is not mine a professional secret too? If you may +hide truth from the world, why may not I? You +don't tell your tricks. I don't tell my tricks.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>With some heat.</i>] Ours are not tricks.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Reflectively.</i>] Ah, no one can be +sure of that till the tricks are told.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> But the public can see a doctor's +cures as plain as....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes. As plain as they saw the red +lamp over his door this evening.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>After a pause.</i>] Your secret, of +course, would be strictly kept by every one +involved.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Oh, of course. People in delirium +always keep secrets strictly.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> No one sees the patient but his sister +and myself.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Starts slightly.</i>] Yes, his sister. Is +she very anxious?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>In a lower voice.</i>] What would you +suppose?</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> <i>throws himself into the chair, his +cloak slipping back from his evening +dress. He ruminates for a short space +and then speaks.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Doctor, there are about a thousand +reasons why I should not tell you how I really did +that trick. But one will suffice, because it is the +most practical of all.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Well? And why shouldn't you tell me?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Because you wouldn't believe me +if I did.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>A silence, the</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> <i>looking at him +curiously.</i></p></div> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Enter the</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span> <i>with papers in his hand. +His usual gaiety of manner has a rather +forced air, owing to the fact that by some +vague sick-room associations he walks as if +on tip-toe and begins to speak in a sort of +loud or shrill whisper. This he fortunately +forgets and falls into his more +natural voice.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>To</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span>] So very kind of you +to have waited, Professor. I expect Dr. Grimthorpe +has explained the little difficulty we are in +much better than I could. Nothing like the medical +mind for a scientific statement. [<i>Hazily.</i>] +Look at Ibsen.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Silence.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Of course the Professor feels considerable +reluctance in the matter. He points out +that his secrets are an essential part of his profession.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Of course, of course. Tricks of the +trade, eh? Very proper, of course. Quite a case +of <i>noblesse oblige</i> [<i>Silence.</i>] But I dare say we +shall be able to find a way out of the matter. [<i>He +turns to the</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span>] Now, my dear sir, I hope +you will not be offended if I say that this ought to +be a business matter. We are asking you for a +piece of your professional work and knowledge, +and if I may have the pleasure of writing you a +cheque....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I thank your Grace, I have already +received my cheque from your secretary. You will +find it on the counterfoil just after the cheque you +so kindly gave to the Society for the Suppression +of Conjuring.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Now I don't want you to take it in that +way. I want you to take it in a broader way. +Free, you know. [<i>With an expansive gesture.</i>] +Modern and all that! Wonderful man, Bernard +Shaw!</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Silence.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>With a slight cough, resuming.</i>] If +you feel any delicacy the payment need not be +made merely to you. I quite respect your feelings +in the matter.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Approvingly.</i>] Quite so, quite so. +Haven't you got a Cause or something? Everybody +has a cause now, you know. Conjurers' +widows or something of that kind.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>With restraint.</i>] No; I have no +widows.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Then something like a pension or +annuity for any widows you may—er—procure. +[<i>Gaily opening his cheque-book and talking slang to +show there is no ill-feeling.</i>] Come, let me call it a +couple of thou.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> <i>takes the cheque and looks at +it in a grave and doubtful way. As he +does so the</i> <span class="smcap">Rector</span> <i>comes slowly into the +room.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> You would really be willing to pay +a sum like this to know the way I did that +trick?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> I would willingly pay much more.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> I think I explained to you that the +case is serious.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>More and more thoughtful.</i>] You +would pay much more.... [<i>Suddenly.</i>] But suppose +I tell you the secret and you find there's +nothing in it?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> You mean that it's really quite +simple? Why, I should say that that would be the +best thing that could possibly happen. A little +healthy laughter is the best possible thing for +convalescence.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Still looking gloomily at the cheque.</i>] +I do not think you will laugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Reasoning genially.</i>] But as you say it +is something quite simple.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> It is the simplest thing there is in +the world. That is why you will not laugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Almost nervously.</i>] Why, what do +you mean? What shall we do?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Gravely.</i>] You will disbelieve it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> And why?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Because it is so simple. [<i>He springs +suddenly to his feet, the cheque still in his hand.</i>] You +ask me how I really did the last trick. I will tell +you how I did the last trick. I did it by magic.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>The</i> <span class="smcap">Duke</span> <i>and</i> <span class="smcap">Doctor</span> <i>stare at him motionless; +but the</i> <span class="smcap">Rev. Smith</span> <i>starts and takes +a step nearer the table. The</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> +<i>pulls his cloak round his shoulders. This +gesture, as of departure, brings the</i> +<span class="smcap">Doctor</span> <i>to his feet.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Astonished and angry.</i>] Do you really +mean that you take the cheque and then tell us it +was only magic?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Pulling the cheque to pieces.</i>] I +tear the cheque, and I tell you it was only magic.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>With violent sincerity.</i>] But hang it +all, there's no such thing.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes there is. I wish to God I did +not know that there is.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Rising also.</i>] Why, really, magic....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Contemptuously.</i>] Yes, your Grace, +one of those larger laws you were telling us about.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He buttons his cloak up at his throat and +takes up his bag. As he does so the</i> +<span class="smcap">Rev. Smith</span> <i>steps between him and the +door and stops him for a moment.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>In a low voice.</i>] One moment, sir.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> What do you want?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I want to apologize to you. I mean on +behalf of the company. I think it was wrong to +offer you money. I think it was more wrong to +mystify you with medical language and call the +thing delirium. I have more respect for conjurer's +patter than for doctor's patter. They are both +meant to stupify; but yours only to stupify for a +moment. Now I put it to you in plain words and +on plain human Christian grounds. Here is a poor +boy who may be going mad. Suppose you had a +son in such a position, would you not expect people +to tell you the whole truth if it could help you?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes. And I have told you the +whole truth. Go and find out if it helps you.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Turns again to go, but more irresolutely.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> You know quite well it will not help us.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Why not?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> You know quite well why not. You are +an honest man; and you have said it yourself. +Because he would not believe it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>With a sort of fury.</i>] Well, does +anybody believe it? Do you believe it?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>With great restraint.</i>] Your question is +quite fair. Come, let us sit down and talk about +it. Let me take your cloak.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I will take off my cloak when you +take off your coat.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Smiling.</i>] Why? Do you want me to +fight?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Violently.</i>] I want you to be +martyred. I want you to <i>bear</i> witness to your own +creed. I say these things are supernatural. I say +this was done by a spirit. The Doctor does not +believe me. He is an agnostic; and he knows +everything. The Duke does not believe me; he +cannot believe anything so plain as a miracle. +But what the devil are you for, if you don't believe +in a miracle? What does your coat mean, if +it doesn't mean that there is such a thing as +the supernatural? What does your cursed collar +mean if it doesn't mean that there is such a thing +as a spirit? [<i>Exasperated.</i>] Why the devil do +you dress up like that if you don't believe in +it? [<i>With violence.</i>] Or perhaps you don't believe +in devils?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I believe.... [<i>After a pause.</i>] I wish I +could believe.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Yes. I wish I could disbelieve.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia</span> <i>pale and in the slight +négligée of the amateur nurse.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> May I speak to the Conjurer?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Hastening forward.</i>] You want the +Doctor?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> No, the Conjurer.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Are there any developments?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I only want to speak to the Conjurer.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>They all withdraw, either at the garden or the +other doors.</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia</span> <i>walks up to</i> +<span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> You must tell me how you did the +trick. You will. I know you will. O, I know my +poor brother was rude to you. He's rude to everybody! +[<i>Breaks down.</i>] But he's such a little, little +boy!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I suppose you know there are +things men never tell to women. They are too +horrible.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Yes. And there are things women +never tell to men. They also are too horrible. I +am here to hear them all.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Do you really mean I may say +anything I like? However dark it is? However +dreadful it is? However damnable it is?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I have gone through too much to be +terrified now. Tell me the very worst.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I will tell you the very worst. I +fell in love with you when I first saw you.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Sits down and crosses his legs.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Drawing back.</i>] You told me I +looked like a child and....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I told a lie.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> O; this is terrible.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I was in love, I took an opportunity. +You believed quite simply that I was a +magician? but I....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> It is terrible. It is terrible. I never +believed you were a magician.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Astounded.</i>] Never believed I was +a magician...!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I always knew you were a man.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Doing whatever passionate things +people do on the stage.</i>] I am a man. And you are a +woman. And all the elves have gone to elfland, +and all the devils to hell. And you and I will walk +out of this great vulgar house and be married.... +Every one is crazy in this house to-night, I think. +What am I saying? As if <i>you</i> could marry <i>me</i>! O +my God!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> This is the first time you have failed +in courage.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> What do you mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I mean to draw your attention to the +fact that you have recently made an offer, I accept +it.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Oh, it's nonsense, it's nonsense. +How can a man marry an archangel, let alone a +lady. My mother was a lady and she married a +dying fiddler who tramped the roads; and the +mixture plays the cat and banjo with my body and +soul. I can see my mother now cooking food in +dirtier and dirtier lodgings, darning socks with +weaker and weaker eyes when she might have worn +pearls by consenting to be a rational person.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> And she might have grown pearls, by +consenting to be an oyster.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Seriously.</i>] There was little +pleasure in her life.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> There is little, a very little, in everybody's. +The question is, what kind? We can't +turn life into a pleasure. But we can choose +such pleasures as are worthy of us and our +immortal souls. Your mother chose and I have +chosen.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Staring.</i>] Immortal souls!... +And I suppose if I knelt down to worship you, you +and every one else would laugh.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>With a smile of perversity.</i>] Well, I +think this is a more comfortable way. [<i>She sits +down suddenly beside him in a sort of domestic way +and goes on talking.</i>] Yes. I'll do everything your +mother did, not so well, of course; I'll darn that +conjurer's hat—does one darn hats?—and cook +the Conjurer's dinner. By the way, what is a +Conjurer's dinner? There's always the goldfish, of +course....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>With a groan.</i>] Carrots.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> And, of course, now I come to think +of it, you can always take rabbits out of the hat. +Why, what a cheap life it must be! How do +you cook rabbits? The Duke is always talking +about poached rabbits. Really, we shall be as +happy as is good for us. We'll have confidence in +each other at least, and no secrets. I insist on +knowing all the tricks.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I don't think I know whether I'm +on my head or my heels.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> And now, as we're going to be so +confidential and comfortable, you'll just tell me +the real, practical, tricky little way you did that +last trick.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Rising, rigid with horror.</i>] How I +did that trick? I did it by devils. [<i>Turning furiously +on</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia</span>.] You could believe in fairies. +Can't you believe in devils?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Seriously.</i>] No, I can't believe in +devils.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Well, this room is full of them.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> What does it all mean?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> It only means that I have done +what many men have done; but few, I think, have +thriven by. [<i>He sits down and talks thoughtfully.</i>] +I told you I had mixed with many queer sets of +people. Among others, I mixed with those who +pretend, truly and falsely, to do our tricks by the +aid of spirits. I dabbled a little in table-rapping +and table-turning. But I soon had reason to give +it up.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Why did you give it up?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> It began by giving me headaches. +And I found that every morning after a Spiritualist +<i>séance</i> I had a queer feeling of lowness and degradation, +of having been soiled; much like the feeling, +I suppose, that people have the morning after they +have been drunk. But I happen to have what +people call a strong head; and I have never been +really drunk.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I am glad of that.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> It hasn't been for want of trying. +But it wasn't long before the spirits with whom I +had been playing at table-turning, did what I +think they generally do at the end of all such +table-turning.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> What did they do?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> They turned the tables. They +turned the tables upon me. I don't wonder at your +believing in fairies. As long as these things were +my servants they seemed to me like fairies. When +they tried to be my masters.... I found they +were not fairies. I found the spirits with whom I at +least had come in contact were evil ... awfully, +unnaturally evil.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Did they say so?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Don't talk of what they said. I +was a loose fellow, but I had not fallen so low as +such things. I resisted them; and after a pretty +bad time, psychologically speaking, I cut the +connexion. But they were always tempting me +to use the supernatural power I had got from them. +It was not very great, but it was enough to move +things about, to alter lights, and so on. I don't +know whether you realize that it's rather a strain +on a man to drink bad coffee at a coffee-stall when +he knows he has just enough magic in him to make +a bottle of champagne walk out of an empty shop.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I think you behaved very well.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Bitterly.</i>] And when I fell at last it +was for nothing half so clean and Christian as +champagne. In black blind pride and anger and +all kinds of heathenry, because of the impudence +of a schoolboy, I called on the fiends and they +obeyed.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> [<i>Touches his arm.</i>] Poor fellow!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Your goodness is the only goodness +that never goes wrong.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> And what <i>are</i> we to do with Morris? +I—I believe you now, my dear. But he—he will +never believe.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> There is no bigot like the atheist. +I must think.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Walks towards the garden windows. The +other men reappear to arrest his movement.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Where are you going?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I am going to ask the God whose +enemies I have served if I am still worthy to save +a child.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit into garden. He paces up and down +exactly as</i> <span class="smcap">Morris</span> <i>has done. As he does +so</i>, <span class="smcap">Patricia</span> <i>slowly goes out; and a long +silence follows, during which the remaining +men stir and stamp very restlessly. +The darkness increases. It is long before +anyone speaks.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Abruptly.</i>] Remarkable man that +Conjurer. Clever man. Curious man. Very +curious man. A kind of man, you know.... +Lord bless us! What's that?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke</span>. What's what, eh? What's what?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor</span>. I swear I heard a footstep.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Hastings</span> <i>with papers.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Why, Hastings—Hastings—we thought +you were a ghost. You must be—er—looking +white or something.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> I have brought back the answer of +the Anti-Vegetarians ... I mean the Vegetarians.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Drops one or two papers.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Why, Hastings, you <i>are</i> looking white.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> I ask your Grace's pardon. I had a +slight shock on entering the room.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> A shock? What shock?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Hastings.</span> It is the first time, I think, that +your Grace's work has been disturbed by any +private feelings of mine. I shall not trouble your +Grace with them. It will not occur again.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit</i> <span class="smcap">Hastings.</span></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> What an extraordinary fellow. I +wonder if....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Suddenly stops speaking.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>After a long silence, in a low voice to</i> +<span class="smcap">Smith.</span>] How do you feel?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I feel I must have a window shut or I +must have it open, and I don't know which it is.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Another long silence.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Crying out suddenly in the dark.</i>] In +God's name, go!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Jumping up rather in a tremble.</i>] +Really, sir, I am not used to being spoken to....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> It was not you whom I told to go.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> No. [<i>Pause.</i>] But I think I will go. +This room is simply horrible.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>He marches towards the door.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Jumping up and bustling about, altering +cards, papers, etc., on tables.</i>] Room horrible? +Room horrible? No, no, no. [<i>Begins to run +quicker round the room, flapping his hands like fins.</i>] +Only a little crowded. A little crowded. And I +don't seem to know all the people. We can't like +everybody. These large at-homes....</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Tumbles on to a chair.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Reappearing at the garden doors.</i>] +Go back to hell from which I called you. It is the +last order I shall give.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Rising rather shakily.</i>] And what are +you going to do?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I am going to tell that poor little +lad a lie. I have found in the garden what he did +not find in the garden. I have managed to think +of a natural explanation of that trick.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> [<i>Warmly moved.</i>] I think you are +something like a great man. Can I take your +explanation to him now?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> [<i>Grimly.</i>] No thank you. I will +take it myself. </p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Exit into the other room.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> [<i>Uneasily.</i>] We all felt devilish queer +just now. Wonderful things there are in the +world. [<i>After a pause.</i>] I suppose it's all electricity.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<i>Silence as usual.</i></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> I think there has been more than +electricity in all this.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia</span>, <i>still pale, but radiant.</i></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Oh, Morris is ever so much better! +The Conjurer has told him such a good story of +how the trick was done.</p> + +<p class="center"><i>Enter</i> <span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span></p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Duke.</span> Professor, we owe you a thousand +thanks!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Doctor.</span> Really, you have doubled your claim +to originality!</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> It is much more marvellous to explain a +miracle than to work a miracle. What was your +explanation, by the way?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I shall not tell you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> [<i>Starting.</i>] Indeed? Why not?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Because God and the demons and +that Immortal Mystery that you deny has been +in this room to-night. Because you know it has +been here. Because you have felt it here. Because +you know the spirits as well as I do and fear them +as much as I do.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Well?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Because all this would not avail. +If I told you the lie I told Morris Carleon about +how I did that trick....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Well?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer. You</span> would believe it as he believed +it. You cannot think [<i>pointing to the lamp</i>] how +that trick could be done naturally. I alone found +out how it could be done—after I had done it by +magic. But if I tell you a natural way of doing +it....</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Smith.</span> Well?...</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Half an hour after I have left this +house you will be all saying how it was done.</p> + +<div class="hanging"><p>[<span class="smcap">Conjurer</span> <i>buttons up his cloak and advances +to</i> <span class="smcap">Patricia.</span></p></div> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> Good-bye.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> I shall not say good-bye.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> You are great as well as good. But +a saint can be a temptress as well as a sinner. I +put my honour in your hands ... oh, yes, I have +a little left. We began with a fairy tale. Have I +any right to take advantage of that fairy tale? +Has not that fairy tale really and truly come to an +end?</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> Yes. That fairy tale has really and +truly come to an end. [<i>Looks at him a little in the +old mystical manner.</i>] It is very hard for a fairy +tale to come to an end. If you leave it alone it +lingers everlastingly. Our fairy tale has come to +an end in the only way a fairy tale can come to an +end. The only way a fairy tale can leave off being +a fairy tale.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Conjurer.</span> I don't understand you.</p> + +<p><span class="smcap">Patricia.</span> It has come true.</p> + + +<p class="center">CURTAIN</p> + + + + +<hr style='width: 95%;' /> + + +<p><br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + + +<h3><i>A Selection from the +Catalogue of</i></h3> + +<h3>G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS</h3> + +<div class="figcenter"> +<img src="images/092.png" +alt="Publisher's Mark" title="Publisher's Mark" /> +</div> + +<h4>Complete Catalogue sent +on application</h4> + + +<p><br /><br /><br /><br /></p> + +<div class="bbox"><h2>New Comedies</h2> +<h3>By<br /> +LADY GREGORY</h3> + + +<h4>The Bogie Men—The Full Moon—Coats<br />Damer's Gold—McDonough's Wife</h4> + +<h4><i>8°. With Portrait in Photogravure. $1.50 net. By mail, $1.65</i></h4> + +<p>The plays have been acted with great success by the Abbey Company, and +have been highly extolled by appreciative audiences and an enthusiastic +press. They are distinguished by a humor of unchallenged originality.</p> + +<p>One of the plays in the collection, "Coats," depends for its plot upon +the rivalry of two editors, each of whom has written an obituary notice +of the other. The dialogue is full of crisp humor. "McDonough's Wife," +another drama that appears in the volume, is based on a legend, and +explains how a whole town rendered honor against its will. "The Bogie +Men" has as its underlying situation an amusing misunderstanding of two +chimney-sweeps. The wit and absurdity of the dialogue are in Lady +Gregory's best vein. "Damer's Gold" contains the story of a miser beset +by his gold-hungry relations. Their hopes and plans are upset by one +they had believed to be of the simple of the world, but who confounds +the Wisdom of the Wise. "The Full Moon" presents a little comedy enacted +on an Irish railway station. It is characterized by humor of an original +and delightful character and repartee that is distinctly clever.</p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + +<h4>G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS<br /> +NEW YORK LONDON</h4> +</div> + +<p><br /><br /></p> + +<div class="bbox"><h2>Irish Plays</h2> +<h3>By<br /> +LADY GREGORY</h3> + + +<p>Lady Gregory's name has become a household word in America and her works +should occupy an exclusive niche in every library. Mr. George Bernard +Shaw, in a recently published interview, said Lady Gregory "is the +greatest living Irishwoman.... Even in the plays of Lady Gregory, +penetrated as they are by that intense love of Ireland which is +unintelligible to the many drunken blackguards with Irish names who make +their nationality an excuse for their vices and their worthlessness, +there is no flattery of the Irish; she writes about the Irish as Molière +wrote about the French, having a talent curiously like Molière."</p> + +<p>"The witchery of Yeats, the vivid imagination of Synge, the amusing +literalism mixed with the pronounced romance of their imitators, have +their place and have been given their praise without stint. But none of +these can compete with Lady Gregory for the quality of universality. The +best beauty in Lady Gregory's art is its spontaneity. It is never +forced.... She has read and dreamed and studied, and slept and wakened +and worked, and the great ideas that have come to her have been +nourished and trained till they have grown to be of great +stature."—<i>Chicago Tribune.</i></p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + +<h4>G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS<br /> +NEW YORK LONDON</h4> +</div> + +<p><br /><br /></p> + +<div class="bbox"> +<h2>Irish Folk-History Plays</h2> +<h3>By<br /> +LADY GREGORY</h3> + + +<p class="center"><big><span class="u"><i>First Series. The Tragedies</i></span><br /> +GRANIA +KINCORA +DERVORGILLA</big></p> + +<p class="center"><big><span class="u"><i>Second Series. The Tragic Comedies</i></span><br /> +THE CANAVANS +THE WHITE COCKADE<br /> +THE DELIVERER</big></p> + +<p class="center"><big><i>2 vols. Each, $1.50 net. By mail, $1.65</i></big></p> + +<p>Lady Gregory has preferred going for her material to the traditional +folk-history rather than to the authorized printed versions, and she has +been able, in so doing, to make her plays more living. One of these, +<b>Kincora</b>, telling of Brian Boru, who reigned in the year 1000, evoked +such keen local interest that an old farmer travelled from the +neighborhood of Kincora to see it acted in Dublin.</p> + +<p>The story of <b>Grania</b>, on which Lady Gregory has founded one of these +plays, was taken entirely from tradition. Grania was a beautiful young +woman and was to have been married to Finn, the great leader of the +Fenians; but before the marriage, she went away from the bridegroom with +his handsome young kinsman, Diarmuid. After many years, when Diarmuid +had died (and Finn had a hand in his death), she went back to Finn and +became his queen.</p> + +<p>Another of Lady Gregory's plays, <b>The Canavans</b> dealt with the stormy +times of Queen Elizabeth, whose memory is a horror in Ireland second +only to that of Cromwell.</p> + +<p><b>The White Cockade</b> is founded on a tradition of King James having escaped +from Ireland after the battle of the Boyne in a wine barrel.</p> + +<p>The choice of folk history rather than written history gives a freshness +of treatment and elasticity of material which made the late J.M. Synge +say that "Lady Gregory's method had brought back the possibility of +writing historic plays."</p> + +<p>All these plays, except <b>Grania</b>, which has not yet been staged, have been +very successfully performed in Ireland. They are written in the dialect +of Kiltartan, which had already become familiar to leaders of Lady +Gregory's books.</p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + +<h4>G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS<br /> +NEW YORK LONDON</h4> +</div> + +<p><br /><br /></p> + +<div class="bbox"> + + +<h3><i>Dramas of Importance</i></h3> + + +<h2>Plays</h2> +<h4>The Silver Box—Joy—Strife</h4> +<h3>By John Galsworthy</h3> +<h4>Author of "The Country House," etc.<br /> +Crown 8vo. $1.35 net</h4> + +<p>"By common consent, London has witnessed this week a play of serious +importance, not approached by any other book or drama of the season, +John Galsworthy's 'The Strife.' It is regarded not merely as a +remarkable social document of significance, but as a creation which, +while of the most modern realism, is yet classic in its pronounced art +and exalted philosophy. The play shows the types of the strongest men as +victims of comical events and of weaker men. It will be produced in +America, where, on account of its realistic treatment of the subject of +labor union, it is sure to be a sensation."—<i>Special cable dispatch to +N.Y. Times.</i></p> + + +<h2>The Nun of Kent</h2> +<h4>A Drama</h4> +<h3>By Grace Denio Litchfield</h3> +<h4>Author of "Baldur the Beautiful," etc.<br /> +Crown 8vo. $1.00 net</h4> + +<p>"In this drama the pure essentials of dramatic writing are rarely +blended.... The foundation for the stirring play is a pathetic episode +given in Froude's Henry VIII....</p> + +<p>"The lines of the poem, while full of thought, are also characterized by +fervor and beauty. The strength of the play is centred upon a few +characters.... 'The Nun of Kent' may be described as a fascinating +dramatic story."—<i>Baltimore News.</i></p> + + +<h2>Yzdra</h2> +<h4>A Tragedy in Three Acts</h4> +<h3>By Louis V. Ledoux</h3> +<h4>Crown 8vo. Cloth. $1.25 net</h4> + +<p>"There are both grace and strength in this drama and it also possesses +the movement and spirit needed for presentation upon the stage. Some of +the figures used are striking and beautiful, quite free from excess, and +sometimes almost austere in their restraint. The characters are clearly +individualized and a just balance is preserved in the action."—<i>The +Outlook, New York.</i></p> + +<hr style="width: 95%;" /> + +<h3>New York G.P. Putnam's Sons London</h3> + +</div> + + + + + + + + + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Magic, by G.K. 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Chesterton + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Magic + A Fantastic Comedy + +Author: G.K. Chesterton + +Release Date: August 21, 2006 [EBook #19094] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAGIC *** + + + + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger, Brian Janes, Melissa Er-Raqabi +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + +MAGIC +A FANTASTIC COMEDY + + + + +[Illustration: G.K. Chesterton +From a photograph] + + + + +MAGIC +A FANTASTIC COMEDY + +BY +G.K. CHESTERTON + + + + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK AND LONDON +The Knickerbocker Press +1913 + + + + +COPYRIGHT, 1913 +BY +G.K. CHESTERTON + + +The Knickerbocker Press, New York + + + + +THE CHARACTERS + +THE DUKE +DOCTOR GRIMTHORPE +THE REV. CYRIL SMITH +MORRIS CARLEON +HASTINGS, _the Duke's Secretary_ +THE STRANGER +PATRICIA CARLEON + +_The action takes place in the Duke's Drawing-room._ + + + + +NOTE + +THIS play was presented under the management of Kenelm Foss at The +Little Theatre, London, on November 7, 1913, with the following cast: + +THE STRANGER FRANKLIN DYALL +PATRICIA CARLEON MISS GRACE CROFT +THE REV. CYRIL SMITH O.P. HEGGIE +DR. GRIMTHORPE WILLIAM FARREN +THE DUKE FRED LEWIS +HASTINGS FRANK RANDELL +MORRIS CARLEON LYONEL WATTS + + + + +THE PRELUDE + + + SCENE: _A plantation of thin young trees, in a misty and rainy + twilight; some woodland blossom showing the patches on the earth + between the stems._ + + THE STRANGER _is discovered, a cloaked figure with a pointed hood. + His costume might belong to modern or any other time, and the + conical hood is so drawn over the head that little can be seen of + the face._ + + _A distant voice, a woman's, is heard, half-singing, half-chanting, + unintelligible words. The cloaked figure raises its head and + listens with interest. The song draws nearer and_ PATRICIA CARLEON + _enters. She is dark and slight, and has a dreamy expression. + Though she is artistically dressed, her hair is a little wild. She + has a broken branch of some flowering tree in her hand. She does + not notice the stranger, and though he has watched her with + interest, makes no sign. Suddenly she perceives him and starts + back._ + +PATRICIA. Oh! Who are you? + +STRANGER. Ah! Who am I? [_Commences to mutter to himself, and maps out +the ground with his staff._] + + I have a hat, but not to wear; + I wear a sword, but not to slay, + And ever in my bag I bear + A pack of cards, but not to play. + +PATRICIA. What are you? What are you saying? + +STRANGER. It is the language of the fairies, O daughter of Eve. + +PATRICIA. But I never thought fairies were like you. Why, you are taller +than I am. + +STRANGER. We are of such stature as we will. But the elves grow small, +not large, when they would mix with mortals. + +PATRICIA. You mean they are beings greater than we are. + +STRANGER. Daughter of men, if you would see a fairy as he truly is, look +for his head above all the stars and his feet amid the floors of the +sea. Old women have taught you that the fairies are too small to be +seen. But I tell you the fairies are too mighty to be seen. For they are +the elder gods before whom the giants were like pigmies. They are the +Elemental Spirits, and any one of them is larger than the world. And you +look for them in acorns and on toadstools and wonder that you never see +them. + +PATRICIA. But you come in the shape and size of a man? + +STRANGER. Because I would speak with a woman. + +PATRICIA. [_Drawing back in awe._] I think you are growing taller as you +speak. + + [_The scene appears to fade away, and give place to the milieu of_ + ACT ONE, _the Duke's drawing-room, an apartment with open French + windows or any opening large enough to show a garden and one house + fairly near. It is evening, and there is a red lamp lighted in the + house beyond. The_ REV. CYRIL SMITH _is sitting with hat and + umbrella beside him, evidently a visitor. He is a young man with + the highest of High Church dog-collars and all the qualities of a + restrained fanatic. He is one of the Christian Socialist sort and + takes his priesthood seriously. He is an honest man, and not an + ass._ + +[_To him enters_ MR. HASTINGS _with papers in his hand._ + +HASTINGS. Oh, good evening. You are Mr. Smith. [_Pause._] I mean you are +the Rector, I think. + +SMITH. I am the Rector. + +HASTINGS. I am the Duke's secretary. His Grace asks me to say that he +hopes to see you very soon; but he is engaged just now with the Doctor. + +SMITH. Is the Duke ill? + +HASTINGS. [_Laughing._] Oh, no; the Doctor has come to ask him to help +some cause or other. The Duke is never ill. + +SMITH. Is the Doctor with him now? + +HASTINGS. Why, strictly speaking, he is not. The Doctor has gone over +the road to fetch a paper connected with his proposal. But he hasn't far +to go, as you can see. That's his red lamp at the end of his grounds. + +SMITH. Yes, I know. I am much obliged to you. I will wait as long as is +necessary. + +HASTINGS. [_Cheerfully._] Oh, it won't be very long. + + [_Exit._ + + [_Enter by the garden doors_ DR. GRIMTHORPE _reading an open paper. + He is an old-fashioned practitioner, very much of a gentleman and + very carefully dressed in a slightly antiquated style. He is about + sixty years old and might have been a friend of Huxley's._ + +DOCTOR. [_Folding up the paper._] I beg your pardon, sir, I did not +notice there was anyone here. + +SMITH. [_Amicably._] I beg yours. A new clergyman cannot expect to be +expected. I only came to see the Duke about some local affairs. + +DOCTOR. [_Smiling._] And so, oddly enough, did I. But I suppose we +should both like to get hold of him by a separate ear. + +SMITH. Oh, there's no disguise as far as I'm concerned. I've joined this +league for starting a model public-house in the parish; and in plain +words, I've come to ask his Grace for a subscription to it. + +DOCTOR. [_Grimly._] And, as it happens, I have joined in the petition +against the erection of a model public-house in this parish. The +similarity of our position grows with every instant. + +SMITH. Yes, I think we must have been twins. + +DOCTOR. [_More good-humouredly._] Well, what is a model public-house? Do +you mean a toy? + +SMITH. I mean a place where Englishmen can get decent drink and drink it +decently. Do you call that a toy? + +DOCTOR. No; I should call that a conjuring trick. Or, in apology to your +cloth, I will say a miracle. + +SMITH. I accept the apology to my cloth. I am doing my duty as a priest. +How can the Church have a right to make men fast if she does not allow +them to feast? + +DOCTOR. [_Bitterly._] And when you have done feasting them, you will +send them to me to be cured. + +SMITH. Yes; and when you've done curing them you'll send them to me to +be buried. + +DOCTOR. [_After a pause, laughing._] Well, you have all the old +doctrines. It is only fair you should have all the old jokes too. + +SMITH. [_Laughing also._] By the way, you call it a conjuring trick that +poor people should drink moderately. + +DOCTOR. I call it a chemical discovery that alcohol is not a food. + +SMITH. You don't drink wine yourself? + +DOCTOR. [_Mildly startled._] Drink wine! Well--what else is there to +drink? + +SMITH. So drinking decently is a conjuring trick that you can do, +anyhow? + +DOCTOR. [_Still good-humouredly._] Well, well, let us hope so. Talking +about conjuring tricks, there is to be conjuring and all kinds of things +here this afternoon. + +SMITH. Conjuring? Indeed? Why is that? + + _Enter_ HASTINGS _with a letter in each hand._ + +HASTINGS. His Grace will be with you presently. He asked me to deal with +the business matter first of all. + + [_He gives a note to each of them._ + +SMITH. [_Turning eagerly to the_ DOCTOR.] But this is rather splendid. +The Duke's given L50 to the new public-house. + +HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal. + + [_Collects papers._ + +DOCTOR. [_Examining his cheque._] Very. But this is rather curious. He +has also given L50 to the league for opposing the new public-house. + +HASTINGS. The Duke is very liberal-minded. + + [_Exit._ + +SMITH. [_Staring at his cheque._] Liberal-minded!... Absent-minded, I +should call it. + +DOCTOR. [_Sitting down and lighting a cigar._] Well, yes. The Duke does +suffer a little from absence [_puts his cigar in his mouth and pulls +during the pause_] of mind. He is all for compromise. Don't you know the +kind of man who, when you talk to him about the five best breeds of dog, +always ends up by buying a mongrel? The Duke is the kindest of men, and +always trying to please everybody. He generally finishes by pleasing +nobody. + +SMITH. Yes; I think I know the sort of thing. + +DOCTOR. Take this conjuring, for instance. You know the Duke has two +wards who are to live with him now? + +SMITH. Yes. I heard something about a nephew and niece from Ireland. + +DOCTOR. The niece came from Ireland some months ago, but the nephew +comes back from America to-night. [_He gets up abruptly and walks about +the room._] I think I will tell you all about it. In spite of your +precious public-house you seem to me to be a sane man. And I fancy I +shall want all the sane men I can get to-night. + +SMITH. [_Rising also._] I am at your service. Do you know, I rather +guessed you did not come here only to protest against my precious +public-house. + +DOCTOR. [_Striding about in subdued excitement._] Well, you guessed +right. I was family physician to the Duke's brother in Ireland. I knew +the family pretty well. + +SMITH. [_Quietly._] I suppose you mean you knew something odd about the +family? + +DOCTOR. Well, they saw fairies and things of that sort. + +SMITH. And I suppose, to the medical mind, seeing fairies means much the +same as seeing snakes? + +DOCTOR. [_With a sour smile._] Well, they saw them in Ireland. I suppose +it's quite correct to see fairies in Ireland. It's like gambling at +Monte Carlo. It's quite respectable. But I do draw the line at their +seeing fairies in England. I do object to their bringing their ghosts +and goblins and witches into the poor Duke's own back garden and within +a yard of my own red lamp. It shows a lack of tact. + +SMITH. But I do understand that the Duke's nephew and niece see witches +and fairies between here and your lamp. + + [_He walks to the garden window and looks out._ + +DOCTOR. Well, the nephew has been in America. It stands to reason you +can't see fairies in America. But there is this sort of superstition in +the family, and I am not easy in my mind about the girl. + +SMITH. Why, what does she do? + +DOCTOR. Oh, she wanders about the park and the woods in the evenings. +Damp evenings for choice. She calls it the Celtic twilight. I've no use +for the Celtic twilight myself. It has a tendency to get on the chest. +But what is worse, she is always talking about meeting somebody, some +elf or wizard or something. I don't like it at all. + +SMITH. Have you told the Duke? + +DOCTOR. [_With a grim smile._] Oh, yes, I told the Duke. The result was +the conjurer. + +SMITH. [_With amazement._] The _conjurer_? + +DOCTOR. [_Puts down his cigar in the ash-tray._] The Duke is +indescribable. He will be here presently, and you shall judge for +yourself. Put two or three facts or ideas before him, and the thing he +makes out of them is always something that seems to have nothing to do +with it. Tell any other human being about a girl dreaming of the fairies +and her practical brother from America, and he would settle it in some +obvious way and satisfy some one: send her to America or let her have +her fairies in Ireland. Now the Duke thinks a conjurer would just meet +the case. I suppose he vaguely thinks it would brighten things up, and +somehow satisfy the believers' interest in supernatural things and the +unbelievers' interest in smart things. As a matter of fact the +unbeliever thinks the conjurer's a fraud, and the believer thinks he's a +fraud, too. The conjurer satisfies nobody. That is why he satisfies the +Duke. + + [_Enter the_ DUKE, _with_ HASTINGS, _carrying papers. The_ DUKE _is + a healthy, hearty man in tweeds, with a rather wandering eye. In + the present state of the peerage it is necessary to explain that + the_ DUKE, _though an ass, is a gentleman._ + +DUKE. Good-morning, Mr. Smith. So sorry to have kept you waiting, but +we're rather in a rush to-day. [_Turns to_ HASTINGS, _who has gone over +to a table with the papers._] You know Mr. Carleon is coming this +afternoon? + +HASTINGS. Yes, your Grace. His train will be in by now. I have sent the +trap. + +DUKE. Thank you. [_Turning to the other two._] My nephew, Dr. +Grimthorpe, Morris, you know, Miss Carleon's brother from America. I +hear he's been doing great things out there. Petrol, or something. Must +move with the times, eh? + +DOCTOR. I'm afraid Mr. Smith doesn't always agree with moving with the +times. + +DUKE. Oh, come, come! Progress, you know, progress! Of course I know how +busy you are; you mustn't overwork yourself, you know. Hastings was +telling me you laughed over those subscriptions of mine. Well, well, I +believe in looking at both sides of a question, you know. Aspects, as +old Buffle called them. Aspects. [_With an all-embracing gesture of the +arm._] You represent the tendency to drink in moderation, and you do +good in _your_ way. The Doctor represents the tendency not to drink at +all; and he does good in _his_ way. We can't be Ancient Britons, you +know. + + [_A prolonged and puzzled silence, such as always follows the more + abrupt of the_ DUKE'S _associations or disassociations of thought._ + +SMITH. [_At last, faintly._] Ancient Britons.... + +DOCTOR. [_To_ SMITH _in a low voice._] Don't bother. It's only his +broad-mindedness. + +DUKE. [_With unabated cheerfulness._] I saw the place you're putting up +for it, Mr. Smith. Very good work. Very good work, indeed. Art for the +people, eh? I particularly liked that woodwork over the west door--I'm +glad to see you're using the new sort of graining ... why, it all +reminds one of the French Revolution. + + [_Another silence. As the_ DUKE _lounges alertly about the room_, + SMITH _speaks to the_ DOCTOR _in an undertone._ + +SMITH. Does it remind you of the French Revolution? + +DOCTOR. As much as of anything else. His Grace never reminds me of +anything. + + [_A young and very high American voice is heard calling in the + garden. "Say, could somebody see to one of these trunks?"_ + + [MR. HASTINGS _goes out into the garden. He returns with_ MORRIS + CARLEON, _a very young man: hardly more than a boy, but with very + grown-up American dress and manners. He is dark, smallish, and + active; and the racial type under his Americanism is Irish._ + +MORRIS. [_Humorously, as he puts in his head at the window._] See here, +does a Duke live here? + +DOCTOR. [_Who is nearest to him, with great gravity._] Yes, only one. + +MORRIS. I reckon he's the one I want, anyhow. I'm his nephew. + + [_The_ DUKE, _who is ruminating in the foreground, with one eye + rather off, turns at the voice and shakes_ MORRIS _warmly by the + hand._ + +DUKE. Delighted to see you, my dear boy. I hear you've been doing very +well for yourself. + +MORRIS. [_Laughing._] Well, pretty well, Duke; and better still for Paul +T. Vandam, I guess. I manage the old man's mines out in Arizona, you +know. + +DUKE. [_Shaking his head sagaciously._] Ah, very go-ahead man! Very +go-ahead methods, I'm told. Well, I dare say he does a great deal of +good with his money. And we can't go back to the Spanish Inquisition. + + [_Silence, during which the three men look at each other._ + +MORRIS. [_Abruptly._] And how's Patricia? + +DUKE. [_A little hazily._] Oh, she's very well, I think. She.... + + [_He hesitates slightly._ + +MORRIS. [_Smiling._] Well, then, where's Patricia? + + [_There is a slightly embarrassed pause, and the_ DOCTOR _speaks._ + +DOCTOR. Miss Carleon is walking about the grounds, I think. + + [MORRIS _goes to the garden doors and looks out._ + +MORRIS. It's a mighty chilly night to choose. Does my sister commonly +select such evenings to take the air--and the damp? + +DOCTOR. [_After a pause._] If I may say so, I quite agree with you. I +have often taken the liberty of warning your sister against going out in +all weathers like this. + +DUKE. [_Expansively waving his hands about._] The artist temperament! +What I always call the artistic temperament! Wordsworth, you know, and +all that. + + [_Silence._ + +MORRIS. [_Staring._] All what? + +DUKE. [_Continuing to lecture with enthusiasm._] Why, everything's +temperament, you know! It's her temperament to see the fairies. It's my +temperament not to see the fairies. Why, I've walked all round the +grounds twenty times and never saw a fairy. Well, it's like that about +this wizard or whatever she calls it. For her there is somebody there. +For us there would not be somebody there. Don't you see? + +MORRIS. [_Advancing excitedly._] Somebody there! What do you mean? + +DUKE. [_Airily._] Well, you can't quite call it a man. + +MORRIS. [_Violently._] A man! + +DUKE. Well, as old Buffle used to say, what is a man? + +MORRIS. [_With a strong rise of the American accent._] With your +permission, Duke, I eliminate old Buffle. Do you mean that anybody has +had the tarnation coolness to suggest that some man.... + +DUKE. Oh, not a _man_, you know. A magician, something mythical, you +know. + +SMITH. Not a _man_, but a medicine man. + +DOCTOR. [_Grimly._] I am a medicine man. + +MORRIS. And you don't look mythical, Doc. + + [_He bites his finger and begins to pace restlessly up and down the + room._ + +DUKE. Well, you know, the artistic temperament.... + +MORRIS. [_Turning suddenly._] See here, Duke! In most commercial ways +we're a pretty forward country. In these moral ways we're content to be +a pretty backward country. And if you ask me whether I like my sister +walking about the woods on a night like this! Well, I don't. + +DUKE. I am afraid you Americans aren't so advanced as I'd hoped. Why! as +old Buffle used to say.... + + [_As he speaks a distant voice is heard singing in the garden; it + comes nearer and nearer, and_ SMITH _turns suddenly to the_ DOCTOR. + +SMITH. Whose voice is that? + +DOCTOR. It is no business of mine to decide! + +MORRIS. [_Walking to the window._] You need not trouble. I know who it +is. + + _Enter_ PATRICIA CARLEON + +[_Still agitated._] Patricia, where have you been? + +PATRICIA. [_Rather wearily._] Oh! in Fairyland. + +DOCTOR. [_Genially._] And whereabouts is that? + +PATRICIA. It's rather different from other places. It's either nowhere +or it's wherever you are. + +MORRIS. [_Sharply._] Has it any inhabitants? + +PATRICIA. Generally only two. Oneself and one's shadow. But whether he +is my shadow or I am his shadow is never found out. + +MORRIS. He? Who? + +PATRICIA. [_Seeming to understand his annoyance for the first time, and +smiling._] Oh, you needn't get conventional about it, Morris. He is not +a mortal. + +MORRIS. What's his name? + +PATRICIA. We have no names there. You never really know anybody if you +know his name. + +MORRIS. What does he look like? + +PATRICIA. I have only met him in the twilight. He seems robed in a long +cloak, with a peaked cap or hood like the elves in my nursery stories. +Sometimes when I look out of the window here, I see him passing round +this house like a shadow; and see his pointed hood, dark against the +sunset or the rising of the moon. + +SMITH. What does he talk about? + +PATRICIA. He tells me the truth. Very many true things. He is a wizard. + +MORRIS. How do you know he's a wizard? I suppose he plays some tricks on +you. + +PATRICIA. I should know he was a wizard if he played no tricks. But once +he stooped and picked up a stone and cast it into the air, and it flew +up into God's heaven like a bird. + +MORRIS. Was that what first made you think he was a wizard? + +PATRICIA. Oh, no. When I first saw him he was tracing circles and +pentacles in the grass and talking the language of the elves. + +MORRIS. [_Sceptically._] Do you know the language of the elves? + +PATRICIA. Not until I heard it. + +MORRIS. [_Lowering his voice as if for his sister, but losing patience +so completely that he talks much louder than he imagines._] See here, +Patricia, I reckon this kind of thing is going to be the limit. I'm just +not going to have you let in by some blamed tramp or fortune-teller +because you choose to read minor poetry about the fairies. If this gipsy +or whatever he is troubles you again.... + +DOCTOR. [_Putting his hand on_ MORRIS'S _shoulder._] Come, you must +allow a little more for poetry. We can't all feed on nothing but petrol. + +DUKE. Quite right, quite right. And being Irish, don't you know, Celtic, +as old Buffle used to say, charming songs, you know, about the Irish +girl who has a plaid shawl--and a Banshee. [_Sighs profoundly._] Poor +old Gladstone! + + [_Silence as usual._ + +SMITH. [_Speaking to_ DOCTOR.] I thought you yourself considered the +family superstition bad for the health? + +DOCTOR. I consider a family superstition is better for the health than a +family quarrel. [_He walks casually across to_ PATRICIA.] Well, it must +be nice to be young and still see all those stars and sunsets. We old +buffers won't be too strict with you if your view of things sometimes +gets a bit--mixed up, shall we say? If the stars get loose about the +grass by mistake; or if, once or twice, the sunset gets into the east. +We should only say, "Dream as much as you like. Dream for all mankind. +Dream for us who can dream no longer. But do not quite forget the +difference." + +PATRICIA. What difference? + +DOCTOR. The difference between the things that are beautiful and the +things that are there. That red lamp over my door isn't beautiful; but +it's there. You might even come to be glad it is there, when the stars +of gold and silver have faded. I am an old man now, but some men are +still glad to find my red star. I do not say they are the wise men. + +PATRICIA. [_Somewhat affected._] Yes, I know you are good to everybody. +But don't you think there may be floating and spiritual stars which will +last longer than the red lamps? + +SMITH. [_With decision._] Yes. But they are fixed stars. + +DOCTOR. The red lamp will last my time. + +DUKE. Capital! Capital! Why, it's like Tennyson. [_Silence._] I remember +when I was an undergrad.... + + [_The red light disappears; no one sees it at first except_ + PATRICIA, _who points excitedly._ + +MORRIS. What's the matter? + +PATRICIA. The red star is gone. + +MORRIS. Nonsense! [_Rushes to the garden doors._] It's only somebody +standing in front of it. Say, Duke, there's somebody standing in the +garden. + +PATRICIA. [_Calmly._] I told you he walked about the garden. + +MORRIS. If it's that fortune-teller of yours.... + + [_Disappears into the garden, followed by the_ DOCTOR. + +DUKE. [_Staring._] Somebody in the garden! Really, this Land +Campaign.... + + [_Silence._ + + [MORRIS _reappears rather breathless._ + +MORRIS. A spry fellow, your friend. He slipped through my hands like a +shadow. + +PATRICIA. I told you he was a shadow. + +MORRIS. Well, I guess there's going to be a shadow hunt. Got a lantern, +Duke? + +PATRICIA. Oh, you need not trouble. He will come if I call him. + + [_She goes out into the garden and calls out some half-chanted and + unintelligible words, somewhat like the song preceding her + entrance. The red light reappears; and there is a slight sound as + of fallen leaves shuffled by approaching feet. The cloaked_ + STRANGER _with the pointed hood is seen standing outside the garden + doors._ + +PATRICIA. You may enter all doors. + + [_The figure comes into the room_ + +MORRIS. [_Shutting the garden doors behind him._] Now, see here, wizard, +we've got you. And we know you're a fraud. + +SMITH. [_Quietly._] Pardon me, I do not fancy that we know that. For +myself I must confess to something of the Doctor's agnosticism. + +MORRIS. [_Excited, and turning almost with a snarl._] I didn't know you +parsons stuck up for any fables but your own. + +SMITH. I stick up for the thing every man has a right to. Perhaps the +only thing that every man has a right to. + +MORRIS. And what is that? + +SMITH. The benefit of the doubt. Even your master, the petroleum +millionaire, has a right to that. And I think he needs it more. + +MORRIS. I don't think there's much doubt about the question, Minister. +I've met this sort of fellow often enough--the sort of fellow who +wheedles money out of girls by telling them he can make stones +disappear. + +DOCTOR. [_To the_ STRANGER.] Do you say you can make stones disappear? + +STRANGER. Yes. I can make stones disappear. + +MORRIS. [_Roughly._] I reckon you're the kind of tough who knows how to +make a watch and chain disappear. + +STRANGER. Yes; I know how to make a watch and chain disappear. + +MORRIS. And I should think you were pretty good at disappearing +yourself. + +STRANGER. I have done such a thing. + +MORRIS. [_With a sneer._] Will you disappear now? + +STRANGER. [_After reflection._] No, I think I'll appear instead. [_He +throws back his hood, showing the head of an intellectual-looking man, +young but rather worn. Then he unfastens his cloak and throws it off, +emerging in complete modern evening dress. He advances down the room +towards the_ DUKE, _taking out his watch as he does so._] Good-evening, +your Grace. I'm afraid I'm rather too early for the performance. But +this gentleman [_with a gesture towards_ MORRIS] seemed rather impatient +for it to begin. + +DUKE. [_Rather at a loss._] Oh, good-evening. Why, really--are you +the...? + +STRANGER. [_Bowing._] Yes. I am the Conjurer. + + [_There is general laughter, except from_ PATRICIA. _As the others + mingle in talk, the_ STRANGER _goes up to her._ + +STRANGER. [_Very sadly._] I am very sorry I am not a wizard. + +PATRICIA. I wish you were a thief instead. + +STRANGER. Have I committed a worse crime than thieving? + +PATRICIA. You have committed the cruellest crime, I think, that there +is. + +STRANGER. And what is the cruellest crime? + +PATRICIA. Stealing a child's toy. + +STRANGER. And what have I stolen? + +PATRICIA. A fairy tale. + + + CURTAIN + + + + +ACT II + + + _The same room lighted more brilliantly an hour later in the + evening. On one side a table covered with packs of cards, pyramids, + etc., at which the_ CONJURER _in evening dress is standing quietly + setting out his tricks. A little more in the foreground the_ DUKE; + _and_ HASTINGS _with a number of papers._ + +HASTINGS. There are only a few small matters. Here are the programmes of +the entertainment your Grace wanted. Mr. Carleon wishes to see them very +much. + +DUKE. Thanks, thanks. [_Takes the programmes._] + +HASTINGS. Shall I carry them for your Grace? + +DUKE. No, no; I shan't forget, I shan't forget. Why, you've no idea how +businesslike I am. We have to be, you know. [_Vaguely._] I know you're a +bit of a Socialist; but I assure you there's a good deal to do--stake +in the country, and all that. Look at remembering faces now! The King +never forgets faces. [_Waves the programmes about._] I never forget +faces. [_Catches sight of the_ CONJURER _and genially draws him into the +discussion._] Why, the Professor here who performs before the King +[_puts down the programmes_]--you see it on the caravans, you +know--performs before the King almost every night, I suppose.... + +CONJURER. [_Smiling._] I sometimes let his Majesty have an evening off. +And turn my attention, of course, to the very highest nobility. But +naturally I have performed before every sovereign potentate, white and +black. There never was a conjurer who hadn't. + +DUKE. That's right, that's right! And you'll say with me that the great +business for a King is remembering people? + +CONJURER. I should say it was remembering which people to remember. + +DUKE. Well, well, now.... [_Looks round rather wildly for something._] +Being really businesslike.... + +HASTINGS. Shall I take the programmes for your Grace? + +DUKE. [_Picking them up._] No, no, I shan't forget. Is there anything +else? + +HASTINGS. I have to go down the village about the wire to Stratford. The +only other thing at all urgent is the Militant Vegetarians. + +DUKE. Ah! The Militant Vegetarians! You've heard of them, I'm sure. +Won't obey the law [_to the_ CONJURER] so long as the Government serves +out meat. + +CONJURER. Let them be comforted. There are a good many people who don't +get much meat. + +DUKE. Well, well, I'm bound to say they're very enthusiastic. Advanced, +too--oh, certainly advanced. Like Joan of Arc. + + [_Short silence, in which the_ CONJURER _stares at him._] + +CONJURER. _Was_ Joan of Arc a Vegetarian? + +DUKE. Oh, well, it's a very high ideal, after all. The Sacredness of +Life, you know--the Sacredness of Life. [_Shakes his head._] But they +carry it too far. They killed a policeman down in Kent. + +CONJURER. Killed a policeman? How Vegetarian! Well, I suppose it was, so +long as they didn't eat him. + +HASTINGS. They are asking only for small subscriptions. Indeed, they +prefer to collect a large number of half-crowns, to prove the popularity +of their movement. But I should advise.... + +DUKE. Oh, give them three shillings, then. + +HASTINGS. If I might suggest.... + +DUKE. Hang it all! We gave the Anti-Vegetarians three shillings. It +seems only fair. + +HASTINGS. If I might suggest anything, I think your Grace will be wise +not to subscribe in this case. The Anti-Vegetarians have already used +their funds to form gangs ostensibly to protect their own meetings. And +if the Vegetarians use theirs to break up the meetings--well, it will +look rather funny that we have paid roughs on both sides. It will be +rather difficult to explain when it comes before the magistrate. + +DUKE. But I shall be the magistrate. [CONJURER _stares at him again._] +That's the system, my dear Hastings, that's the advantage of the system. +Not a logical system--no Rousseau in it--but see how well it works! I +shall be the very best magistrate that could be on the Bench. The others +would be biassed, you know. Old Sir Lawrence is a Vegetarian himself; +and might be hard on the Anti-Vegetarian roughs. Colonel Crashaw would +be sure to be hard on the Vegetarian roughs. But if I've paid both of +'em, of course I shan't be hard on either of 'em--and there you have it. +Just perfect impartiality. + +HASTINGS. [_Restrainedly._] Shall I take the programmes, your Grace? + +DUKE. [_Heartily._] No, no; I won't forget 'em. [_Exit_ HASTINGS.] Well, +Professor, what's the news in the conjuring world? + +CONJURER. I fear there is never any news in the conjuring world. + +DUKE. Don't you have a newspaper or something? Everybody has a newspaper +now, you know. The--er--Daily Sword-Swallower or that sort of thing? + +CONJURER. No, I have been a journalist myself; but I think journalism +and conjuring will always be incompatible. + +DUKE. Incompatible--Oh, but that's where I differ--that's where I take +larger views! Larger laws, as old Buffle said. Nothing's _incompatible_, +you know--except husband and wife and so on; you must talk to Morris +about that. It's wonderful the way incompatibility has gone forward in +the States. + +CONJURER. I only mean that the two trades rest on opposite principles. +The whole point of being a conjurer is that you won't explain a thing +that has happened. + +DUKE. Well, and the journalist? + +CONJURER. Well, the whole point of being a journalist is that you do +explain a thing that hasn't happened. + +DUKE. But you'll want somewhere to discuss the new tricks. + +CONJURER. There are no new tricks. And if there were we shouldn't want +'em discussed. + +DUKE. I'm afraid you're not _really_ advanced. Are you interested in +modern progress? + +CONJURER. Yes. We are interested in all tricks done by illusion. + +DUKE. Well, well, I must go and see how Morris is. Pleasure of seeing +you later. + + [_Exit_ DUKE, _leaving the programmes._ + +CONJURER. Why are nice men such asses? [_Turns to arrange the table._] +That seems all right. The pack of cards that is a pack of cards. And the +pack of cards that isn't a pack of cards. The hat that looks like a +gentleman's hat. But which, in reality, is no gentleman's hat. Only my +hat; and I am not a gentleman. I am only a conjurer, and this is only a +conjurer's hat. I could not take off this hat to a lady. I can take +rabbits out of it, goldfish out of it, snakes out of it. Only I mustn't +take my own head out of it. I suppose I'm a lower animal than a rabbit +or a snake. Anyhow they can get out of the conjurer's hat; and I can't. +I am a conjurer and nothing else but a conjurer. Unless I could show I +was something else, and that would be worse. + + [_He begins to dash the cards rather irregularly about the table. + Enter_ PATRICIA. + +PATRICIA. [_Coldly_] I beg your pardon. I came to get some programmes. +My uncle wants them. + + [_She walks swiftly across and takes up the programmes._ + +CONJURER. [_Still dashing cards about the table._] Miss Carleon, might I +speak to you a moment? [_He puts his hands in his pockets, stares at the +table; and his face assumes a sardonic expression._] The question is +purely practical. + +PATRICIA. [_Pausing at the door._] I can hardly imagine what the +question can be. + +CONJURER. I am the question. + +PATRICIA. And what have I to do with that? + +CONJURER. You have everything to do with it. I am the question: you.... + +PATRICIA. [_Angrily._] Well, what am I? + +CONJURER. You are the answer. + +PATRICIA. The answer to what? + +CONJURER. [_Coming round to the front of the table and sitting against +it._] The answer to me. You think I'm a liar because I walked about the +fields with you and said I could make stones disappear. Well, so I can. +I'm a conjurer. In mere point of fact, it wasn't a lie. But if it had +been a lie I should have told it just the same. I would have told twenty +such lies. You may or may not know why. + +PATRICIA. I know nothing about such lies. + + [_She puts her hand on the handle of the door, but the_ CONJURER, + _who is sitting on the table and staring at his boots, does not + notice the action, and goes on as in a sincere soliloquy._ + +CONJURER. I don't know whether you have any notion of what it means to a +man like me to talk to a lady like you, even on false pretences. I am an +adventurer. I am a blackguard, if one can earn the title by being in all +the blackguard societies of the world. I have thought everything out by +myself, when I was a guttersnipe in Fleet Street, or, lower still, a +journalist in Fleet Street. Before I met you I never guessed that rich +people ever thought at all. Well, that is all I have to say. We had some +good conversations, didn't we? I am a liar. But I told you a great deal +of the truth. + + [_He turns and resumes the arrangement of the table._ + +PATRICIA. [_Thinking._] Yes, you did tell me a great deal of the truth. +You told me hundreds and thousands of truths. But you never told me the +truth that one wants to know. + +CONJURER. And what is that? + +PATRICIA. [_Turning back into the room._] You never told me the truth +about yourself. You never told me you were only the Conjurer. + +CONJURER. I did not tell you that because I do not even know it. I do +not know whether I am only the Conjurer.... + +PATRICIA. What do you mean? + +CONJURER. Sometimes I am afraid I am something worse than the Conjurer. + +PATRICIA. [_Seriously._] I cannot think of anything worse than a +conjurer who does not call himself a conjurer. + +CONJURER. [_Gloomily._] There is something worse. [_Rallying himself._] +But that is not what I want to say. Do you really find that very +unpardonable? Come, let me put you a case. Never mind about whether it +is our case. A man spends his time incessantly in going about in +third-class carriages to fifth-rate lodgings. He has to make up new +tricks, new patter, new nonsense, sometimes every night of his life. +Mostly he has to do it in the beastly black cities of the Midlands and +the North, where he can't get out into the country. Now and again he +does it at some gentleman's country-house, where he can get out into the +country. Well, you know that actors and orators and all sorts of people +like to rehearse their effects in the open air if they can. [_Smiles._] +You know that story of the great statesman who was heard by his own +gardener saying, as he paced the garden, "Had I, Mr. Speaker, received +the smallest intimation that I could be called upon to speak this +evening...." [PATRICIA _controls a smile, and he goes on with +overwhelming enthusiasm._] Well, conjurers are just the same. It takes +some time to prepare an impromptu. A man like that walks about the +woods and fields doing all his tricks beforehand, and talking all sorts +of gibberish because he thinks he is alone. One evening this man found +he was not alone. He found a very beautiful child was watching him. + +PATRICIA. A child? + +CONJURER. Yes. That was his first impression. He is an intimate friend +of mine. I have known him all my life. He tells me he has since +discovered she is not a child. She does not fulfil the definition. + +PATRICIA. What is the definition of a child? + +CONJURER. Somebody you can play with. + +PATRICIA. [_Abruptly._] Why did you wear that cloak with the hood up? + +CONJURER. [_Smiling._] I think it escaped your notice that it was +raining. + +PATRICIA. [_Smiling faintly._] And what did this friend of yours do? + +CONJURER. You have already told me what he did. He destroyed a fairy +tale, for he created a fairy tale that he was bound to destroy. +[_Swinging round suddenly on the table._] But do you blame a man very +much, Miss Carleon, if he enjoyed the only fairy tale he had had in his +life? Suppose he said the silly circles he was drawing for practice +were really magic circles? Suppose he said the bosh he was talking was +the language of the elves? Remember, he has read fairy tales as much as +you have. Fairy tales are the only democratic institutions. All the +classes have heard all the fairy tales. Do you blame him very much if +he, too, tried to have a holiday in fairyland? + +PATRICIA. [_Simply._] I blame him less than I did. But I still say there +can be nothing worse than false magic. And, after all, it was he who +brought the false magic. + +CONJURER. [_Rising from his seat._] Yes. It was she who brought the real +magic. + + [_Enter_ MORRIS, _in evening-dress. He walks straight up to the + conjuring-table; and picks up one article after another, putting + each down with a comment._ + +MORRIS. I know that one. I know that. I know that. Let's see, that's the +false bottom, I think. That works with a wire. I know that; it goes up +the sleeve. That's the false bottom again. That's the substituted pack +of cards--that.... + +PATRICIA. Really, Morris, you mustn't talk as if you knew everything. + +CONJURER. Oh, I don't mind anyone knowing everything, Miss Carleon. +There is something that is much more important than knowing how a thing +is done. + +MORRIS. And what's that? + +CONJURER. Knowing how to do it. + +MORRIS. [_Becoming nasal again in anger._] That's so, eh? Being the +high-toned conjurer because you can't any longer take all the sidewalk +as a fairy. + +PATRICIA. [_Crossing the room and speaking seriously to her brother._] +Really, Morris, you are very rude. And it's quite ridiculous to be rude. +This gentleman was only practising some tricks by himself in the garden. +[_With a certain dignity._] If there was any mistake, it was mine. Come, +shake hands, or whatever men do when they apologize. Don't be silly. He +won't turn you into a bowl of goldfish. + +MORRIS. [_Reluctantly._] Well, I guess that's so. [_Offering his hand._] +Shake. [_They shake hands._] And you won't turn me into a bowl of +goldfish anyhow, Professor. I understand that when you do produce a +bowl of goldfish, they are generally slips of carrot. That is so, +Professor? + +CONJURER. [_Sharply._] Yes. [_Produces a bowl of goldfish from his tail +pockets and holds it under the other's nose._] Judge for yourself. + +MORRIS. [_In monstrous excitement._] Very good! Very good! But I know +how that's done--I know how that's done. You have an india-rubber cap, +you know, or cover.... + +CONJURER. Yes. + + [_Goes back gloomily to his table and sits on it, picking up a pack + of cards and balancing it in his hand._ + +MORRIS. Ah, most mysteries are tolerably plain if you know the +apparatus. [_Enter_ DOCTOR _and_ SMITH, _talking with grave faces, but +growing silent as they reach the group._] I guess I wish we had all the +old apparatus of all the old Priests and Prophets since the beginning of +the world. I guess most of the old miracles and that were a matter of +just panel and wires. + +CONJURER. I don't quite understand you. What old apparatus do you want +so much? + +MORRIS. [_Breaking out with all the frenzy of the young free-thinker._] +Well, sir, I just want that old apparatus that turned rods into snakes. +I want those smart appliances, sir, that brought water out of a rock +when old man Moses chose to hit it. I guess it's a pity we've lost the +machinery. I would like to have those old conjurers here that called +themselves Patriarchs and Prophets in your precious Bible.... + +PATRICIA. Morris, you mustn't talk like that. + +MORRIS. Well, I don't believe in religion.... + +DOCTOR. [_Aside._] Hush, hush. Nobody but women believe in religion. + +PATRICIA. [_Humorously._] I think this is a fitting opportunity to show +you another ancient conjuring trick. + +DOCTOR. Which one is that? + +PATRICIA. The Vanishing Lady! + + [_Exit_ PATRICIA. + +SMITH. There is one part of their old apparatus I regret especially +being lost. + +MORRIS. [_Still excited._] Yes! + +SMITH. The apparatus for writing the Book of Job. + +MORRIS. Well, well, they didn't know everything in those old times. + +SMITH. No, and in those old times they knew they didn't. [_Dreamily._] +Where shall wisdom be found, and what is the place of understanding? + +CONJURER. Somewhere in America, I believe. + +SMITH. [_Still dreamily._] Man knoweth not the price thereof; neither is +it found in the land of the living. The deep sayeth it is not in me, the +sea sayeth it is not with me. Death and destruction say we have heard +tell of it. God understandeth the way thereof and He knoweth the place +thereof. For He looketh to the ends of the earth and seeth under the +whole Heaven. But to man He hath said: Behold the fear of the Lord that +is wisdom, and to depart from evil is understanding. [_Turns suddenly to +the_ DOCTOR.] How's that for Agnosticism, Dr. Grimthorpe? What a pity +that apparatus is lost. + +MORRIS. Well, you may just smile how you choose, I reckon. But I say the +Conjurer here could be the biggest man in the big blessed centuries if +he could just show us how the Holy old tricks were done. We must say +this for old man Moses, that he was in advance of his time. When he did +the old tricks they were new tricks. He got the pull on the public. He +could do his tricks before grown men, great bearded fighting men who +could win battles and sing Psalms. But this modern conjuring is all +behind the times. That's why they only do it with schoolboys. There +isn't a trick on that table I don't know. The whole trade's as dead as +mutton; and not half so satisfying. Why he [_pointing to the_ CONJURER] +brought out a bowl of goldfish just now--an old trick that anybody could +do. + +CONJURER. Oh, I quite agree. The apparatus is perfectly simple. By the +way, let me have a look at those goldfish of yours, will you? + +MORRIS. [_Angrily._] I'm not a paid play-actor come here to conjure. I'm +not here to do stale tricks; I'm here to see through 'em. I say it's an +old trick and.... + +CONJURER. True. But as you said, we never show it except to schoolboys. + +MORRIS. And may I ask you, Professor Hocus Pocus, or whatever your name +is, whom you are calling a schoolboy? + +CONJURER. I beg your pardon. Your sister will tell you I am sometimes +mistaken about children. + +MORRIS. I forbid you to appeal to my sister. + +CONJURER. That is exactly what a schoolboy would do. + +MORRIS. [_With abrupt and dangerous calm._] I am not a schoolboy, +Professor. I am a quiet business man. But I tell you in the country I +come from, the hand of a quiet business man goes to his hip pocket at an +insult like that. + +CONJURER. [_Fiercely._] Let it go to his pocket! I thought the hand of a +quiet business man more often went to someone else's pocket. + +MORRIS. You.... + + [_Puts his hand to his hip. The_ DOCTOR _puts his hand on his + shoulder._ + +DOCTOR. Gentlemen, I think you are both forgetting yourselves. + +CONJURER. Perhaps. [_His tone sinks suddenly to weariness._] I ask +pardon for what I said. It was certainly in excess of the young +gentleman's deserts. [_Sighs._] I sometimes rather wish I could forget +myself. + +MORRIS. [_Sullenly, after a pause._] Well, the entertainment's coming +on; and you English don't like a scene. I reckon I'll have to bury the +blamed old hatchet too. + +DOCTOR. [_With a certain dignity, his social type shining through his +profession._] Mr. Carleon, you will forgive an old man, who knew your +father well, if he doubts whether you are doing yourself justice in +treating yourself as an American Indian, merely because you have lived +in America. In my old friend Huxley's time we of the middle classes +disbelieved in reason and all sorts of things. But we did believe in +good manners. It is a pity if the aristocracy can't. I don't like to +hear you say you are a savage and have buried a tomahawk. I would rather +hear you say, as your Irish ancestors would have said, that you have +sheathed your sword with the dignity proper to a gentleman. + +MORRIS. Very well. I've sheathed my sword with the dignity proper to a +gentleman. + +CONJURER. And I have sheathed my sword with the dignity proper to a +conjurer. + +MORRIS. How does the Conjurer sheath a sword? + +CONJURER. Swallows it. + +DOCTOR. Then we all agree there shall be no quarrel. + +SMITH. May I say a word? I have a great dislike of a quarrel, for a +reason quite beyond my duty to my cloth. + +MORRIS. And what is that? + +SMITH. I object to a quarrel because it always interrupts an argument. +May I bring you back for a moment to the argument? You were saying that +these modern conjuring tricks are simply the old miracles when they have +once been found out. But surely another view is possible. When we speak +of things being sham, we generally mean that they are imitations of +things that are genuine. Take that Reynolds over there of the Duke's +great-grandfather. [_Points to a picture on the wall._] If I were to say +it was a copy.... + +MORRIS. Wal, the Duke's real amiable; but I reckon you'd find what you +call the interruption of an argument. + +SMITH. Well, suppose I did say so, you wouldn't take it as meaning that +Sir Joshua Reynolds never lived. Why should sham miracles prove to us +that real Saints and Prophets never lived. There may be sham magic and +real magic also. + + [_The_ CONJURER _raises his head and listens with a strange air of + intentness._ + +SMITH. There may be turnip ghosts precisely because there are real +ghosts. There may be theatrical fairies precisely because there are real +fairies. You do not abolish the Bank of England by pointing to a forged +bank-note. + +MORRIS. I hope the Professor enjoys being called a forged bank-note. + +CONJURER. Almost as much as being called the Prospectus of some American +Companies. + +DOCTOR. Gentlemen! Gentlemen! + +CONJURER. I am sorry. + +MORRIS. Wal, let's have the argument first, then I guess we can have the +quarrel afterwards. I'll clean this house of some encumbrances. See +here, Mr. Smith, I'm not putting anything on your real miracle notion. I +say, and Science says, that there's a cause for everything. Science will +find out that cause, and sooner or later your old miracle will look +mighty mean. Sooner or later Science will botanise a bit on your turnip +ghosts; and make you look turnips yourselves for having taken any. I +say.... + +DOCTOR. [_In a low voice to_ SMITH.] I don't like this peaceful argument +of yours. The boy is getting much too excited. + +MORRIS. You say old man Reynolds lived; and Science don't say no. [_He +turns excitedly to the picture._] But I guess he's dead now; and you'll +no more raise your Saints and Prophets from the dead than you'll raise +the Duke's great-grandfather to dance on that wall. + + [_The picture begins to sway slightly to and fro on the wall._ + +DOCTOR. Why, the picture is moving! + +MORRIS. [_Turning furiously on the_ CONJURER.] You were in the room +before us. Do you reckon that will take us in? You can do all that with +wires. + +CONJURER. [_Motionless and without looking up from the table._] Yes, I +could do all that with wires. + +MORRIS. And you reckoned I shouldn't know. [_Laughs with a high crowing +laugh._] That's how the derned dirty Spiritualists do all their tricks. +They say they can make the furniture move of itself. If it does move +they move it; and we mean to know how. + + [_A chair falls over with a slight crash._ + + [MORRIS _almost staggers and momentarily fights for breath and + words._ + +MORRIS. You ... why ... that ... every one knows that ... a sliding +plank. It can be done with a sliding plank. + +CONJURER. [_Without looking up._] Yes. It can be done with a sliding +plank. + + [_The_ DOCTOR _draws nearer to_ MORRIS, _who faces about, + addressing him passionately._ + +MORRIS. You were right on the spot, Doc, when you talked about that red +lamp of yours. That red lamp is the light of science that will put out +all the lanterns of your turnip ghosts. It's a consuming fire, Doctor, +but it is the red light of the morning. [_Points at it in exalted +enthusiasm._] Your priests can no more stop that light from shining or +change its colour and its radiance than Joshua could stop the sun and +moon. [_Laughs savagely._] Why, a real fairy in an elfin cloak strayed +too near the lamp an hour or two ago; and it turned him into a common +society clown with a white tie. + + [_The lamp at the end of the garden turns blue. They all look at it + in silence._ + +MORRIS. [_Splitting the silence on a high unnatural note._] Wait a bit! +Wait a bit! I've got you! I'll have you!... [_He strides wildly up and +down the room, biting his finger._] You put a wire ... no, that can't be +it.... + +DOCTOR. [_Speaking to him soothingly._] Well, well, just at this moment +we need not inquire.... + +MORRIS. [_Turning on him furiously._] You call yourself a man of +science, and you dare to tell me not to inquire! + +SMITH. We only mean that for the moment you might let it alone. + +MORRIS. [_Violently._] No, Priest, I will not let it alone. [_Pacing the +room again._] Could it be done with mirrors? [_He clasps his brow._] You +have a mirror.... [_Suddenly, with a shout._] I've got it! I've got it! +Mixture of lights! Why not? If you throw a green light on a red +light.... + + [_Sudden silence._ + +SMITH. [_Quietly to the_ DOCTOR.] You don't get blue. + +DOCTOR. [_Stepping across to the_ CONJURER.] If you have done this +trick, for God's sake undo it. + + [_After a silence, the light turns red again._ + +MORRIS. [_Dashing suddenly to the glass doors and examining them._] It's +the glass! You've been doing something to the glass! + + [_He stops suddenly and there is a long silence._ + +CONJURER. [_Still without moving._] I don't think you will find anything +wrong with the glass. + +MORRIS. [_Bursting open the glass doors with a crash._] Then I'll find +out what's wrong with the lamp. + + [_Disappears into the garden._ + +DOCTOR. It is still a wet night, I am afraid. + +SMITH. Yes. And somebody else will be wandering about the garden now. + + [_Through the broken glass doors_ MORRIS _can be seen marching + backwards and forwards with swifter and swifter steps._ + +SMITH. I suppose in this case the Celtic twilight will not get on the +chest. + +DOCTOR. Oh, if it were only the chest! + + _Enter_ PATRICIA. + +PATRICIA. Where is my brother? + + [_There is an embarrassed silence, in which the_ CONJURER + _answers._ + +CONJURER. I am afraid he is walking about in Fairyland. + +PATRICIA. But he mustn't go out on a night like this; it's very +dangerous! + +CONJURER. Yes, it is very dangerous. He might meet a fairy. + +PATRICIA. What do you mean? + +CONJURER. You went out in this sort of weather and you met this sort of +fairy, and so far it has only brought you sorrow. + +PATRICIA. I am going out to find my brother. + + [_She goes out into the garden through the open doors._ + +SMITH. [_After a silence, very suddenly._] What is that noise? She is +not singing those songs to him, is she? + +CONJURER. No. He does not understand the language of the elves. + +SMITH. But what are all those cries and gasps I hear? + +CONJURER. The normal noises, I believe, of a quiet business man. + +DOCTOR. Sir, I can understand your being bitter, for I admit you have +been uncivilly received; but to speak like that just now.... + + [PATRICIA _reappears at the garden doors, very pale._ + +PATRICIA. Can I speak to the Doctor? + +DOCTOR. My dear lady, certainly. Shall I fetch the Duke? + +PATRICIA. I would prefer the Doctor. + +SMITH. Can I be of any use? + +PATRICIA. I only want the Doctor. + + [_She goes out again, followed by_ DR. GRIMTHORPE. _The others look + at each other._ + +SMITH. [_Quietly._] That last was a wonderful trick of yours. + +CONJURER. Thank you. I suppose you mean it was the only one you didn't +see through. + +SMITH. Something of the kind, I confess. Your last trick was the best +trick I have ever seen. It is so good that I wish you had not done it. + +CONJURER. And so do I. + +SMITH. How do you mean? Do you wish you had never been a conjurer? + +CONJURER. I wish I had never been born. + + [_Exit_ CONJURER. + + [_A silence. The_ DOCTOR _enters, very grave._ + +DOCTOR. It is all right so far. We have brought him back. + +SMITH. [_Drawing near to him._] You told me there was mental trouble +with the girl. + +DOCTOR. [_Looking at him steadily._] No. I told you there was mental +trouble in the family. + +SMITH. [_After a silence._] Where is Mr. Morris Carleon? + +DOCTOR. I have got him into bed in the next room. His sister is looking +after him. + +SMITH. His sister! Oh, then do you believe in fairies? + +DOCTOR. Believe in fairies? What do you mean? + +SMITH. At least you put the person who does believe in them in charge of +the person who doesn't. + +DOCTOR. Well, I suppose I do. + +SMITH. You don't think she'll keep him awake all night with fairy tales? + +DOCTOR. Certainly not. + +SMITH. You don't think she'll throw the medicine-bottle out of window +and administer--er--a dewdrop, or anything of that sort? Or a +four-leaved clover, say? + +DOCTOR. No; of course not. + +SMITH. I only ask because you scientific men are a little hard on us +clergymen. You don't believe in a priesthood; but you'll admit I'm more +really a priest than this Conjurer is really a magician. You've been +talking a lot about the Bible and the Higher Criticism. But even by the +Higher Criticism the Bible is older than the language of the +elves--which was, as far as I can make out, invented this afternoon. But +Miss Carleon believed in the wizard. Miss Carleon believed in the +language of the elves. And you put her in charge of an invalid without +a flicker of doubt: because you trust women. + +DOCTOR. [_Very seriously._] Yes, I trust women. + +SMITH. You trust a woman with the practical issues of life and death, +through sleepless hours when a shaking hand or an extra grain would +kill. + +DOCTOR. Yes. + +SMITH. But if the woman gets up to go to early service at my church, you +call her weak-minded and say that nobody but women can believe in +religion. + +DOCTOR. I should never call this woman weak-minded--no, by God, not even +if she went to church. + +SMITH. Yet there are many as strong-minded who believe passionately in +going to church. + +DOCTOR. Weren't there as many who believed passionately in Apollo? + +SMITH. And what harm came of believing in Apollo? And what a mass of +harm may have come of not believing in Apollo? Does it never strike you +that doubt can be a madness, as well be faith? That asking questions may +be a disease, as well as proclaiming doctrines? You talk of religious +mania! Is there no such thing as irreligious mania? Is there no such +thing in the house at this moment? + +DOCTOR. Then you think no one should question at all. + +SMITH. [_With passion, pointing to the next room._] I think _that_ is +what comes of questioning! Why can't you leave the universe alone and +let it mean what it likes? Why shouldn't the thunder be Jupiter? More +men have made themselves silly by wondering what the devil it was if it +wasn't Jupiter. + +DOCTOR. [_Looking at him._] Do you believe in your own religion? + +SMITH. [_Returning the look equally steadily._] Suppose I don't: I +should still be a fool to question it. The child who doubts about Santa +Claus has insomnia. The child who believes has a good night's rest. + +DOCTOR. You are a Pragmatist. + + _Enter_ DUKE, _absent-mindedly._ + +SMITH. That is what the lawyers call vulgar abuse. But I do appeal to +practise. Here is a family over which you tell me a mental calamity +hovers. Here is the boy who questions everything and a girl who can +believe anything. Upon which has the curse fallen? + +DUKE. Talking about the Pragmatists. I'm glad to hear.... Ah, very +forward movement! I suppose Roosevelt now.... [_Silence._] Well, we move +you know, we move! First there was the Missing Link. [_Silence._] No! +_First_ there was Protoplasm--and _then_ there was the Missing Link; and +Magna Carta and so on. [_Silence._] Why, look at the Insurance Act! + +DOCTOR. I would rather not. + +DUKE. [_Wagging a playful finger at him._] Ah, prejudice, prejudice! You +doctors, you know! Well, I never had any myself. + + [_Silence._ + +DOCTOR. [_Breaking the silence in unusual exasperation._] Any what? + +DUKE. [_Firmly._] Never had any Marconis myself. Wouldn't touch 'em. +[_Silence._] Well, I must speak to Hastings. + + [_Exit_ DUKE, _aimlessly._ + +DOCTOR. [_Exploding._] Well, of all the.... [_Turns to_ SMITH.] You +asked me just now which member of the family had inherited the family +madness. + +SMITH. Yes; I did. + +DOCTOR. [_In a low, emphatic voice._] On my living soul, I believe it +must be the Duke. + + + CURTAIN + + + + +ACT III + + + _Room partly darkened, a table with a lamp on it, and an empty + chair. From room next door faint and occasional sounds of the + tossing or talking of the invalid._ + + _Enter_ DOCTOR GRIMTHORPE _with a rather careworn air, and a + medicine bottle in his hand. He puts it on the table, and sits down + in the chair as if keeping a vigil._ + + _Enter_ CONJURER, _carrying his bag, and cloaked for departure. As he + crosses the room the_ DOCTOR _rises and calls after him._ + +DOCTOR. Forgive me, but may I detain you for one moment? I suppose you +are aware that--[_he hesitates_] that there have been rather grave +developments in the case of illness which happened after your +performance. I would not say, of course, because of your performance. + +CONJURER. Thank you. + +DOCTOR. [_Slightly encouraged, but speaking very carefully._] +Nevertheless, mental excitement is necessarily an element of importance +in physiological troubles, and your triumphs this evening were really so +extraordinary that I cannot pretend to dismiss them from my patient's +case. He is at present in a state somewhat analogous to delirium, but in +which he can still partially ask and answer questions. The question he +continually asks is how you managed to do your last trick. + +CONJURER. Ah! My last trick! + +DOCTOR. Now I was wondering whether we could make any arrangement which +would be fair to you in the matter. Would it be possible for you to give +me in confidence the means of satisfying this--this fixed idea he seems +to have got. [_He hesitates again, and picks his words more slowly._] +This special condition of semi-delirious disputation is a rare one, and +connected in my experience with rather unfortunate cases. + +CONJURER. [_Looking at him steadily._] Do you mean he is going mad? + +DOCTOR. [_Rather taken aback for the first time._] Really, you ask me an +unfair question. I could not explain the fine shades of these things to +a layman. And even if--if what you suggest were so, I should have to +regard it as a professional secret. + +CONJURER. [_Still looking at him._] And don't you think you ask me a +rather unfair question, Dr. Grimthorpe? If yours is a professional +secret, is not mine a professional secret too? If you may hide truth +from the world, why may not I? You don't tell your tricks. I don't tell +my tricks. + +DOCTOR. [_With some heat._] Ours are not tricks. + +CONJURER. [_Reflectively._] Ah, no one can be sure of that till the +tricks are told. + +DOCTOR. But the public can see a doctor's cures as plain as.... + +CONJURER. Yes. As plain as they saw the red lamp over his door this +evening. + +DOCTOR. [_After a pause._] Your secret, of course, would be strictly +kept by every one involved. + +CONJURER. Oh, of course. People in delirium always keep secrets +strictly. + +DOCTOR. No one sees the patient but his sister and myself. + +CONJURER. [_Starts slightly._] Yes, his sister. Is she very anxious? + +DOCTOR. [_In a lower voice._] What would you suppose? + + [CONJURER _throws himself into the chair, his cloak slipping back + from his evening dress. He ruminates for a short space and then + speaks._ + +CONJURER. Doctor, there are about a thousand reasons why I should not +tell you how I really did that trick. But one will suffice, because it +is the most practical of all. + +DOCTOR. Well? And why shouldn't you tell me? + +CONJURER. Because you wouldn't believe me if I did. + + [_A silence, the_ DOCTOR _looking at him curiously._ + + [_Enter the_ DUKE _with papers in his hand. His usual gaiety of + manner has a rather forced air, owing to the fact that by some + vague sick-room associations he walks as if on tip-toe and begins + to speak in a sort of loud or shrill whisper. This he fortunately + forgets and falls into his more natural voice._ + +DUKE. [_To_ CONJURER.] So very kind of you to have waited, Professor. I +expect Dr. Grimthorpe has explained the little difficulty we are in +much better than I could. Nothing like the medical mind for a scientific +statement. [_Hazily._] Look at Ibsen. + + [_Silence._ + +DOCTOR. Of course the Professor feels considerable reluctance in the +matter. He points out that his secrets are an essential part of his +profession. + +DUKE. Of course, of course. Tricks of the trade, eh? Very proper, of +course. Quite a case of _noblesse oblige_ [_Silence._] But I dare say we +shall be able to find a way out of the matter. [_He turns to the_ +CONJURER.] Now, my dear sir, I hope you will not be offended if I say +that this ought to be a business matter. We are asking you for a piece +of your professional work and knowledge, and if I may have the pleasure +of writing you a cheque.... + +CONJURER. I thank your Grace, I have already received my cheque from +your secretary. You will find it on the counterfoil just after the +cheque you so kindly gave to the Society for the Suppression of +Conjuring. + +DUKE. Now I don't want you to take it in that way. I want you to take +it in a broader way. Free, you know. [_With an expansive gesture._] +Modern and all that! Wonderful man, Bernard Shaw! + + [_Silence._ + +DOCTOR. [_With a slight cough, resuming._] If you feel any delicacy the +payment need not be made merely to you. I quite respect your feelings in +the matter. + +DUKE. [_Approvingly._] Quite so, quite so. Haven't you got a Cause or +something? Everybody has a cause now, you know. Conjurers' widows or +something of that kind. + +CONJURER. [_With restraint._] No; I have no widows. + +DUKE. Then something like a pension or annuity for any widows you +may--er--procure. [_Gaily opening his cheque-book and talking slang to +show there is no ill-feeling._] Come, let me call it a couple of thou. + + [_The_ CONJURER _takes the cheque and looks at it in a grave and + doubtful way. As he does so the_ RECTOR _comes slowly into the + room._ + +CONJURER. You would really be willing to pay a sum like this to know +the way I did that trick? + +DUKE. I would willingly pay much more. + +DOCTOR. I think I explained to you that the case is serious. + +CONJURER. [_More and more thoughtful._] You would pay much more.... +[_Suddenly._] But suppose I tell you the secret and you find there's +nothing in it? + +DOCTOR. You mean that it's really quite simple? Why, I should say that +that would be the best thing that could possibly happen. A little +healthy laughter is the best possible thing for convalescence. + +CONJURER. [_Still looking gloomily at the cheque._] I do not think you +will laugh. + +DUKE. [_Reasoning genially._] But as you say it is something quite +simple. + +CONJURER. It is the simplest thing there is in the world. That is why +you will not laugh. + +DOCTOR. [_Almost nervously._] Why, what do you mean? What shall we do? + +CONJURER. [_Gravely._] You will disbelieve it. + +DOCTOR. And why? + +CONJURER. Because it is so simple. [_He springs suddenly to his feet, +the cheque still in his hand._] You ask me how I really did the last +trick. I will tell you how I did the last trick. I did it by magic. + + [_The_ DUKE _and_ DOCTOR _stare at him motionless; but the_ REV. + SMITH _starts and takes a step nearer the table. The_ CONJURER + _pulls his cloak round his shoulders. This gesture, as of + departure, brings the_ DOCTOR _to his feet._ + +DOCTOR. [_Astonished and angry._] Do you really mean that you take the +cheque and then tell us it was only magic? + +CONJURER. [_Pulling the cheque to pieces._] I tear the cheque, and I +tell you it was only magic. + +DOCTOR. [_With violent sincerity._] But hang it all, there's no such +thing. + +CONJURER. Yes there is. I wish to God I did not know that there is. + +DUKE. [_Rising also._] Why, really, magic.... + +CONJURER. [_Contemptuously._] Yes, your Grace, one of those larger laws +you were telling us about. + + [_He buttons his cloak up at his throat and takes up his bag. As he + does so the_ REV. SMITH _steps between him and the door and stops + him for a moment._ + +SMITH. [_In a low voice._] One moment, sir. + +CONJURER. What do you want? + +SMITH. I want to apologize to you. I mean on behalf of the company. I +think it was wrong to offer you money. I think it was more wrong to +mystify you with medical language and call the thing delirium. I have +more respect for conjurer's patter than for doctor's patter. They are +both meant to stupify; but yours only to stupify for a moment. Now I put +it to you in plain words and on plain human Christian grounds. Here is a +poor boy who may be going mad. Suppose you had a son in such a position, +would you not expect people to tell you the whole truth if it could help +you? + +CONJURER. Yes. And I have told you the whole truth. Go and find out if +it helps you. + + [_Turns again to go, but more irresolutely._ + +SMITH. You know quite well it will not help us. + +CONJURER. Why not? + +SMITH. You know quite well why not. You are an honest man; and you have +said it yourself. Because he would not believe it. + +CONJURER. [_With a sort of fury._] Well, does anybody believe it? Do you +believe it? + +SMITH. [_With great restraint._] Your question is quite fair. Come, let +us sit down and talk about it. Let me take your cloak. + +CONJURER. I will take off my cloak when you take off your coat. + +SMITH. [_Smiling._] Why? Do you want me to fight? + +CONJURER. [_Violently._] I want you to be martyred. I want you to _bear_ +witness to your own creed. I say these things are supernatural. I say +this was done by a spirit. The Doctor does not believe me. He is an +agnostic; and he knows everything. The Duke does not believe me; he +cannot believe anything so plain as a miracle. But what the devil are +you for, if you don't believe in a miracle? What does your coat mean, if +it doesn't mean that there is such a thing as the supernatural? What +does your cursed collar mean if it doesn't mean that there is such a +thing as a spirit? [_Exasperated._] Why the devil do you dress up like +that if you don't believe in it? [_With violence._] Or perhaps you don't +believe in devils? + +SMITH. I believe.... [_After a pause._] I wish I could believe. + +CONJURER. Yes. I wish I could disbelieve. + + [_Enter_ PATRICIA _pale and in the slight negligee of the amateur + nurse._ + +PATRICIA. May I speak to the Conjurer? + +SMITH. [_Hastening forward._] You want the Doctor? + +PATRICIA. No, the Conjurer. + +DOCTOR. Are there any developments? + +PATRICIA. I only want to speak to the Conjurer. + + [_They all withdraw, either at the garden or the other doors._ + PATRICIA _walks up to_ CONJURER. + +PATRICIA. You must tell me how you did the trick. You will. I know you +will. O, I know my poor brother was rude to you. He's rude to everybody! +[_Breaks down._] But he's such a little, little boy! + +CONJURER. I suppose you know there are things men never tell to women. +They are too horrible. + +PATRICIA. Yes. And there are things women never tell to men. They also +are too horrible. I am here to hear them all. + +CONJURER. Do you really mean I may say anything I like? However dark it +is? However dreadful it is? However damnable it is? + +PATRICIA. I have gone through too much to be terrified now. Tell me the +very worst. + +CONJURER. I will tell you the very worst. I fell in love with you when I +first saw you. + + [_Sits down and crosses his legs._ + +PATRICIA. [_Drawing back._] You told me I looked like a child and.... + +CONJURER. I told a lie. + +PATRICIA. O; this is terrible. + +CONJURER. I was in love, I took an opportunity. You believed quite +simply that I was a magician? but I.... + +PATRICIA. It is terrible. It is terrible. I never believed you were a +magician. + +CONJURER. [_Astounded._] Never believed I was a magician...! + +PATRICIA. I always knew you were a man. + +CONJURER. [_Doing whatever passionate things people do on the stage._] I +am a man. And you are a woman. And all the elves have gone to elfland, +and all the devils to hell. And you and I will walk out of this great +vulgar house and be married.... Every one is crazy in this house +to-night, I think. What am I saying? As if _you_ could marry _me_! O my +God! + +PATRICIA. This is the first time you have failed in courage. + +CONJURER. What do you mean? + +PATRICIA. I mean to draw your attention to the fact that you have +recently made an offer, I accept it. + +CONJURER. Oh, it's nonsense, it's nonsense. How can a man marry an +archangel, let alone a lady. My mother was a lady and she married a +dying fiddler who tramped the roads; and the mixture plays the cat and +banjo with my body and soul. I can see my mother now cooking food in +dirtier and dirtier lodgings, darning socks with weaker and weaker eyes +when she might have worn pearls by consenting to be a rational person. + +PATRICIA. And she might have grown pearls, by consenting to be an +oyster. + +CONJURER. [_Seriously._] There was little pleasure in her life. + +PATRICIA. There is little, a very little, in everybody's. The question +is, what kind? We can't turn life into a pleasure. But we can choose +such pleasures as are worthy of us and our immortal souls. Your mother +chose and I have chosen. + +CONJURER. [_Staring._] Immortal souls!... And I suppose if I knelt down +to worship you, you and every one else would laugh. + +PATRICIA. [_With a smile of perversity._] Well, I think this is a more +comfortable way. [_She sits down suddenly beside him in a sort of +domestic way and goes on talking._] Yes. I'll do everything your mother +did, not so well, of course; I'll darn that conjurer's hat--does one +darn hats?--and cook the Conjurer's dinner. By the way, what is a +Conjurer's dinner? There's always the goldfish, of course.... + +CONJURER. [_With a groan._] Carrots. + +PATRICIA. And, of course, now I come to think of it, you can always take +rabbits out of the hat. Why, what a cheap life it must be! How do you +cook rabbits? The Duke is always talking about poached rabbits. Really, +we shall be as happy as is good for us. We'll have confidence in each +other at least, and no secrets. I insist on knowing all the tricks. + +CONJURER. I don't think I know whether I'm on my head or my heels. + +PATRICIA. And now, as we're going to be so confidential and comfortable, +you'll just tell me the real, practical, tricky little way you did that +last trick. + +CONJURER. [_Rising, rigid with horror._] How I did that trick? I did it +by devils. [_Turning furiously on_ PATRICIA.] You could believe in +fairies. Can't you believe in devils? + +PATRICIA. [_Seriously._] No, I can't believe in devils. + +CONJURER. Well, this room is full of them. + +PATRICIA. What does it all mean? + +CONJURER. It only means that I have done what many men have done; but +few, I think, have thriven by. [_He sits down and talks thoughtfully._] +I told you I had mixed with many queer sets of people. Among others, I +mixed with those who pretend, truly and falsely, to do our tricks by the +aid of spirits. I dabbled a little in table-rapping and table-turning. +But I soon had reason to give it up. + +PATRICIA. Why did you give it up? + +CONJURER. It began by giving me headaches. And I found that every +morning after a Spiritualist _seance_ I had a queer feeling of lowness +and degradation, of having been soiled; much like the feeling, I +suppose, that people have the morning after they have been drunk. But I +happen to have what people call a strong head; and I have never been +really drunk. + +PATRICIA. I am glad of that. + +CONJURER. It hasn't been for want of trying. But it wasn't long before +the spirits with whom I had been playing at table-turning, did what I +think they generally do at the end of all such table-turning. + +PATRICIA. What did they do? + +CONJURER. They turned the tables. They turned the tables upon me. I +don't wonder at your believing in fairies. As long as these things were +my servants they seemed to me like fairies. When they tried to be my +masters.... I found they were not fairies. I found the spirits with whom +I at least had come in contact were evil ... awfully, unnaturally evil. + +PATRICIA. Did they say so? + +CONJURER. Don't talk of what they said. I was a loose fellow, but I had +not fallen so low as such things. I resisted them; and after a pretty +bad time, psychologically speaking, I cut the connexion. But they were +always tempting me to use the supernatural power I had got from them. +It was not very great, but it was enough to move things about, to alter +lights, and so on. I don't know whether you realize that it's rather a +strain on a man to drink bad coffee at a coffee-stall when he knows he +has just enough magic in him to make a bottle of champagne walk out of +an empty shop. + +PATRICIA. I think you behaved very well. + +CONJURER. [_Bitterly._] And when I fell at last it was for nothing half +so clean and Christian as champagne. In black blind pride and anger and +all kinds of heathenry, because of the impudence of a schoolboy, I +called on the fiends and they obeyed. + +PATRICIA. [_Touches his arm._] Poor fellow! + +CONJURER. Your goodness is the only goodness that never goes wrong. + +PATRICIA. And what _are_ we to do with Morris? I--I believe you now, my +dear. But he--he will never believe. + +CONJURER. There is no bigot like the atheist. I must think. + + [_Walks towards the garden windows. The other men reappear to + arrest his movement._ + +DOCTOR. Where are you going? + +CONJURER. I am going to ask the God whose enemies I have served if I am +still worthy to save a child. + + [_Exit into garden. He paces up and down exactly as_ MORRIS _has + done. As he does so_, PATRICIA _slowly goes out; and a long silence + follows, during which the remaining men stir and stamp very + restlessly. The darkness increases. It is long before anyone + speaks._ + +DOCTOR. [_Abruptly._] Remarkable man that Conjurer. Clever man. Curious +man. Very curious man. A kind of man, you know.... Lord bless us! What's +that? + +DUKE. What's what, eh? What's what? + +DOCTOR. I swear I heard a footstep. + + _Enter_ HASTINGS _with papers._ + +DUKE. Why, Hastings--Hastings--we thought you were a ghost. You must +be--er--looking white or something. + +HASTINGS. I have brought back the answer of the Anti-Vegetarians ... I +mean the Vegetarians. + + [_Drops one or two papers._ + +DUKE. Why, Hastings, you _are_ looking white. + +HASTINGS. I ask your Grace's pardon. I had a slight shock on entering +the room. + +DOCTOR. A shock? What shock? + +HASTINGS. It is the first time, I think, that your Grace's work has been +disturbed by any private feelings of mine. I shall not trouble your +Grace with them. It will not occur again. + + [_Exit_ HASTINGS. + +DUKE. What an extraordinary fellow. I wonder if.... + + [_Suddenly stops speaking._ + +DOCTOR. [_After a long silence, in a low voice to_ SMITH.] How do you +feel? + +SMITH. I feel I must have a window shut or I must have it open, and I +don't know which it is. + + [_Another long silence._ + +SMITH. [_Crying out suddenly in the dark._] In God's name, go! + +DOCTOR. [_Jumping up rather in a tremble._] Really, sir, I am not used +to being spoken to.... + +SMITH. It was not you whom I told to go. + +DOCTOR. No. [_Pause._] But I think I will go. This room is simply +horrible. + + [_He marches towards the door._ + +DUKE. [_Jumping up and bustling about, altering cards, papers, etc., on +tables._] Room horrible? Room horrible? No, no, no. [_Begins to run +quicker round the room, flapping his hands like fins._] Only a little +crowded. A little crowded. And I don't seem to know all the people. We +can't like everybody. These large at-homes.... + + [_Tumbles on to a chair._ + +CONJURER. [_Reappearing at the garden doors._] Go back to hell from +which I called you. It is the last order I shall give. + +DOCTOR. [_Rising rather shakily._] And what are you going to do? + +CONJURER. I am going to tell that poor little lad a lie. I have found +in the garden what he did not find in the garden. I have managed to +think of a natural explanation of that trick. + +DOCTOR. [_Warmly moved._] I think you are something like a great man. +Can I take your explanation to him now? + +CONJURER. [_Grimly._] No thank you. I will take it myself. + + [_Exit into the other room._ + +DUKE. [_Uneasily._] We all felt devilish queer just now. Wonderful +things there are in the world. [_After a pause._] I suppose it's all +electricity. + + [_Silence as usual._ + +SMITH. I think there has been more than electricity in all this. + + _Enter_ PATRICIA, _still pale, but radiant._ + +PATRICIA. Oh, Morris is ever so much better! The Conjurer has told him +such a good story of how the trick was done. + + _Enter_ CONJURER. + +DUKE. Professor, we owe you a thousand thanks! + +DOCTOR. Really, you have doubled your claim to originality! + +SMITH. It is much more marvellous to explain a miracle than to work a +miracle. What was your explanation, by the way? + +CONJURER. I shall not tell you. + +SMITH. [_Starting._] Indeed? Why not? + +CONJURER. Because God and the demons and that Immortal Mystery that you +deny has been in this room to-night. Because you know it has been here. +Because you have felt it here. Because you know the spirits as well as I +do and fear them as much as I do. + +SMITH. Well? + +CONJURER. Because all this would not avail. If I told you the lie I told +Morris Carleon about how I did that trick.... + +SMITH. Well? + +CONJURER. YOU would believe it as he believed it. You cannot think +[_pointing to the lamp_] how that trick could be done naturally. I alone +found out how it could be done--after I had done it by magic. But if I +tell you a natural way of doing it.... + +SMITH. Well?... + +CONJURER. Half an hour after I have left this house you will be all +saying how it was done. + + [CONJURER _buttons up his cloak and advances to_ PATRICIA. + +CONJURER. Good-bye. + +PATRICIA. I shall not say good-bye. + +PATRICIA. Yes. That fairy tale has really and truly come to an end. +[_Looks at him a little in the old mystical manner._] It is very hard +for a fairy tale to come to an end. If you leave it alone it lingers +everlastingly. Our fairy tale has come to an end in the only way a fairy +tale can come to an end. The only way a fairy tale can leave off being a +fairy tale. + +CONJURER. I don't understand you. + +PATRICIA. It has come true. + + + CURTAIN + + + + + * * * * * + + + + +_A Selection from the +Catalogue of_ + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS + +[Illustration: Publisher's Mark] + +Complete Catalogue sent +on application + + + + +New Comedies +By +LADY GREGORY + + +The Bogie Men--The Full Moon--Coats Damer's Gold--McDonough's Wife + +_8^o. With Portrait in Photogravure. $1.50 net. By mail, $1.65_ + +The plays have been acted with great success by the Abbey Company, and +have been highly extolled by appreciative audiences and an enthusiastic +press. They are distinguished by a humor of unchallenged originality. + +One of the plays in the collection, "Coats," depends for its plot upon +the rivalry of two editors, each of whom has written an obituary notice +of the other. The dialogue is full of crisp humor. "McDonough's Wife," +another drama that appears in the volume, is based on a legend, and +explains how a whole town rendered honor against its will. "The Bogie +Men" has as its underlying situation an amusing misunderstanding of two +chimney-sweeps. The wit and absurdity of the dialogue are in Lady +Gregory's best vein. "Damer's Gold" contains the story of a miser beset +by his gold-hungry relations. Their hopes and plans are upset by one +they had believed to be of the simple of the world, but who confounds +the Wisdom of the Wise. "The Full Moon" presents a little comedy enacted +on an Irish railway station. It is characterized by humor of an original +and delightful character and repartee that is distinctly clever. + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK LONDON + + + + +Irish Plays +By +LADY GREGORY + + +Lady Gregory's name has become a household word in America and her works +should occupy an exclusive niche in every library. Mr. George Bernard +Shaw, in a recently published interview, said Lady Gregory "is the +greatest living Irishwoman.... Even in the plays of Lady Gregory, +penetrated as they are by that intense love of Ireland which is +unintelligible to the many drunken blackguards with Irish names who make +their nationality an excuse for their vices and their worthlessness, +there is no flattery of the Irish; she writes about the Irish as Moliere +wrote about the French, having a talent curiously like Moliere." + +"The witchery of Yeats, the vivid imagination of Synge, the amusing +literalism mixed with the pronounced romance of their imitators, have +their place and have been given their praise without stint. But none of +these can compete with Lady Gregory for the quality of universality. The +best beauty in Lady Gregory's art is its spontaneity. It is never +forced.... She has read and dreamed and studied, and slept and wakened +and worked, and the great ideas that have come to her have been +nourished and trained till they have grown to be of great +stature."--_Chicago Tribune._ + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK LONDON + + + + +Irish Folk-History Plays +By +LADY GREGORY + + +_First Series. The Tragedies_ +GRANIA +KINCORA +DERVORGILLA + +_Second Series. The Tragic Comedies_ +THE CANAVANS +THE WHITE COCKADE +THE DELIVERER + +_2 vols. Each, $1.50 net. By mail, $1.65_ + +Lady Gregory has preferred going for her material to the traditional +folk-history rather than to the authorized printed versions, and she has +been able, in so doing, to make her plays more living. One of these, +=Kincora=, telling of Brian Boru, who reigned in the year 1000, evoked +such keen local interest that an old farmer travelled from the +neighborhood of Kincora to see it acted in Dublin. + +The story of =Grania=, on which Lady Gregory has founded one of these +plays, was taken entirely from tradition. Grania was a beautiful young +woman and was to have been married to Finn, the great leader of the +Fenians; but before the marriage, she went away from the bridegroom with +his handsome young kinsman, Diarmuid. After many years, when Diarmuid +had died (and Finn had a hand in his death), she went back to Finn and +became his queen. + +Another of Lady Gregory's plays, =The Canavans= dealt with the stormy +times of Queen Elizabeth, whose memory is a horror in Ireland second +only to that of Cromwell. + +=The White Cockade= is founded on a tradition of King James having escaped +from Ireland after the battle of the Boyne in a wine barrel. + +The choice of folk history rather than written history gives a freshness +of treatment and elasticity of material which made the late J.M. Synge +say that "Lady Gregory's method had brought back the possibility of +writing historic plays." + +All these plays, except =Grania=, which has not yet been staged, have been +very successfully performed in Ireland. They are written in the dialect +of Kiltartan, which had already become familiar to leaders of Lady +Gregory's books. + +G.P. PUTNAM'S SONS +NEW YORK LONDON + + + + +_Dramas of Importance_ + + +Plays +The Silver Box--Joy--Strife +By John Galsworthy +Author of "The Country House," etc. +Crown 8vo. $1.35 net + +"By common consent, London has witnessed this week a play of serious +importance, not approached by any other book or drama of the season, +John Galsworthy's 'The Strife.' It is regarded not merely as a +remarkable social document of significance, but as a creation which, +while of the most modern realism, is yet classic in its pronounced art +and exalted philosophy. The play shows the types of the strongest men as +victims of comical events and of weaker men. It will be produced in +America, where, on account of its realistic treatment of the subject of +labor union, it is sure to be a sensation."--_Special cable dispatch to +N.Y. Times._ + + +The Nun of Kent +A Drama +By Grace Denio Litchfield +Author of "Baldur the Beautiful," etc. +Crown 8vo. $1.00 net + +"In this drama the pure essentials of dramatic writing are rarely +blended.... The foundation for the stirring play is a pathetic episode +given in Froude's Henry VIII.... + +"The lines of the poem, while full of thought, are also characterized by +fervor and beauty. The strength of the play is centred upon a few +characters.... 'The Nun of Kent' may be described as a fascinating +dramatic story."--_Baltimore News._ + + +Yzdra +A Tragedy in Three Acts +By Louis V. Ledoux +Crown 8vo. Cloth. $1.25 net + +"There are both grace and strength in this drama and it also possesses +the movement and spirit needed for presentation upon the stage. Some of +the figures used are striking and beautiful, quite free from excess, and +sometimes almost austere in their restraint. The characters are clearly +individualized and a just balance is preserved in the action."--_The +Outlook, New York._ + +New York G.P. Putnam's Sons London + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Magic, by G.K. Chesterton + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MAGIC *** + +***** This file should be named 19094.txt or 19094.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/9/0/9/19094/ + +Produced by Suzanne Lybarger, Brian Janes, Melissa Er-Raqabi +and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team at +http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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