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diff --git a/old/18934.txt b/old/18934.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..117fbc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/18934.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5596 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of My Lady Nicotine, by J. M. Barrie + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: My Lady Nicotine + A Study in Smoke + +Author: J. M. Barrie + +Illustrator: M. B. Prendergast + +Release Date: July 29, 2006 [EBook #18934] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY LADY NICOTINE *** + + + + +Produced by Ted Garvin, David Garcia and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + + + + +[Illustration] + + + + + + MY LADY NICOTINE + + =A Study in Smoke= + + + BY J. M. BARRIE + + AUTHOR OF "SENTIMENTAL TOMMY," ETC. + + + _ILLUSTRATED BY_ + M. B. PRENDERGAST + + + + BOSTON + KNIGHT AND MILLET + PUBLISHERS + + + + + + + + +CONTENTS + +[Illustration] + + + CHAP. PAGE + + I. MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED 1 + II. MY FIRST CIGAR 11 + III. THE ARCADIA MIXTURE 18 + IV. MY PIPES 27 + V. MY TOBACCO-POUCH 38 + VI. MY SMOKING-TABLE 45 + VII. GILRAY 52 + VIII. MARRIOT 60 + IX. JIMMY 70 + X. SCRYMGEOUR 78 + XI. HIS WIFE'S CIGARS 87 + XII. GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT 94 + XIII. THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY 103 + XIV. MY BROTHER HENRY 116 + XV. HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA" 124 + XVI. THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN 133 + XVII. THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER 143 + XXVIII. WHAT COULD HE DO? 151 + XIX. PRIMUS 159 + XX. PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE 168 + XXI. ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO 177 + XXII. HOW HEROES SMOKE 186 + XXIII. THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE 194 + XXIV. NOT THE ARCADIA 202 + XXV. A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT 209 + XXVI. ARCADIANS AT BAY 216 + XXVII. JIMMY'S DREAM 223 + XXVIII. GILRAY'S DREAM 231 + XXIX. PETTIGREW'S DREAM 239 + XXX. THE MURDER IN THE INN 247 + XXXI. THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING 252 + XXXII. MY LAST PIPE 260 + XXXIII. WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL 269 + + + +[Illustration] + + +[Illustration] + + + + +Illustrations + + + PAGE + + Half-Title i + Frontispiece iv + Title-Page v + Headpiece to Table of Contents vii + Tailpiece to Table of Contents viii + Headpiece to List of Illustrations ix + Tailpiece to List of Illustrations xiii + Headpiece to Chap. I. 1 + "As well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress" 6 + "There are the Japanese fans on the wall" 7 + Tailpiece Chap. I. "My wife puts her hand on my shoulder" 10 + Headpiece Chap. II. 11 + "At last he jumped up" 14 + Box of cigars 15 + Tailpiece Chap. II. "I firmly lighted my first cigar" 17 + Headpiece Chap. III. "Jimmy pins a notice on his door" 18 + "We are only to be distinguished by our pipes" 20 + The Arcadia Mixture 21 + Tailpiece Chap. III. 26 + Headpiece Chap. IV. "Oh, see what I have done" 27 + "I fell in love with two little meerschaums" 33 + Pipes and pouch 36 + Tailpiece Chap. IV. 37 + Headpiece Chap. V. "They ... made tongs of their + knitting-needles to lift it" 38 + "I ... cast my old pouch out at the window" 40, 41 + "It never quite recovered from its night in the rain" 43 + Tailpiece Chap. V. 44 + Headpiece Chap VI. "My Smoking-Table" 45 + "Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally" 48 + Tailpiece Chap. VI. 51 + Headpiece Chap. VII. "We met first in the Merediths' house-boat" 52 + "He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the air,'" 57 + Tailpiece Chap. VII. "The Arcadia had him for its own" 59 + Headpiece Chap. VIII. "I let him talk on" 60 + Pipes and jar of spills 62, 63 + Tray of pipes and cigars 64 + "I would ... light him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill" 68 + Tailpiece Chap. VIII. 69 + Headpiece Chap. IX. "The stem was a long cherry-wood" 70 + "In time ... the Arcadia Mixture made him more and more + like the rest of us" 71 + "A score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet" 74 + Tailpiece Chap. IX. "Mothers' pets" 77 + Headpiece Chap. X. "Scrymgeour was an artist" 78 + "With shadowy reptiles crawling across the panels" 81 + "Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a Japanese + dressing-gown" 84 + Tailpiece Chap. X. 86 + Headpiece Chap. XI. "His wife's cigars" 87 + "A packet of Celebros alighted on my head" 88 + "I told her the cigars were excellent" 90 + Tailpiece Chap. XI. 93 + Headpiece Chap. XII. "Gilray's flower-pot" 94 + "Then Arcadians would drop in" 97 + "I wrote to him" 99 + Tailpiece Chap. XII. "The can nearly fell from my hand" 102 + Headpiece Chap. XIII. 103 + "Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country" 105 + The Arcadia Mixture 111 + "Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern picking out his men" 113 + Tailpiece Chap. XIII. 115 + Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new Cabanas" 116 + "A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder" 118 + "Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to + talk about Henry" 120 + Tailpiece Chap. XIV. 123 + Headpiece Chap. XV. "House-boat Arcadia" 124 + "I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind" 126 + "It was the boy come back with the vegetables" 129 + Tailpiece Chap. XV. "There was a row all round, + which resulted in our division into five parties" 132 + Headpiece Chap. XVI. "The Arcadia Mixture again" 133 + "On the open window ... stood a round tin of tobacco" 135 + "A pipe of the Mixture" 138 + "The lady was making pretty faces with a cigarette in + her mouth" 139 + Tailpiece Chap. XVI. 142 + Headpiece Chap. XVII. "He was in love again" 143 + "I heard him walking up and down the deck" 145 + Tailpiece Chap. XVII. "He took the wire off me and used it + to clean his pipe" 150 + Headpiece Chap. XVIII. "I had walked from Spondinig + to Franzenshohe" 151 + "On the middle of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand" 152 + "Then she burst into tears" 157 + Tailpiece Chap. XVIII. "A wall has risen up between us" 158 + Headpiece Chap. XIX. "Primus" 159 + "Many tall hats struck, to topple in the dust" 161 + "Running after sheep, from which ladies were flying" 163 + "I should like to write you a line" 165 + Tailpiece Chap. XIX. "I am, respected sir, your diligent pupil" 167 + Headpiece Chap. XX. 168 + "Reading Primus's letters" 171 + Tailpiece Chap. XX. 176 + Headpiece Chap. XXI. "English-grown tobacco" 177 + "I smoked my third cigar very slowly" 182 + Tailpiece Chap. XXI. 185 + Headpiece Chap. XXII. "How heroes smoke" 186 + "Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a good cigar" 189 + "A half-smoked cigar" 190 + "The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the door" 192 + Tailpiece Chap. XXII. 193 + Headpiece Chap. XXIII. 194 + "The ghost of Christmas eve" 195 + "My pipe" 199 + "My brier, which I found beneath my pillow" 200 + Tailpiece Chap. XXIII. 201 + Headpiece Chap. XXIV. "But the pipes were old friends" 202 + "It had the paper in its mouth" 205 + Tailpiece Chap. XXIV. "I was pleased that I had lost" 208 + Headpiece Chap. XXV. "A face that haunted Marriot" 209 + "There was the French girl at Algiers" 212 + Tailpiece Chap. XXV. 215 + Headpiece Chap. XXVI. "Arcadians at bay" 216 + Pipes and tobacco-jar 220 + Tailpiece Chap. XXVI. "Jimmy began as follows" 222 + Headpiece Chap. XXVII. "Jimmy's dream" 223 + Pipes 226 + "Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's + high and unblemished character" 229 + Tailpiece Chap. XXVII. 230 + Headpiece Chap. XXVIII. 231 + "These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet" 235 + A friendly favor 237 + Tailpiece Chap. XXVIII. 238 + Headpiece Chap. XXIX. "Pettigrew's dream" 239 + "He went round the morning-room" 241 + "His wife ... filled his pipe for him" 243 + "Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to the study" 244 + Tailpiece Chap. XXIX. "I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew" 246 + Headpiece Chap. XXX. "Sometimes I think it is all a dream" 247 + Tailpiece Chap. XXX. 251 + Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had weakly yielded" 252 + "They went one night in a body to Pettigrew's" 254 + Tailpiece Chap. XXXI. 259 + Headpiece Chap. XXXII. 260 + "Then we began to smoke" 262 + "I conjured up the face of a lady" 265 + "Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me" 267 + Tailpiece Chap. XXXII. 268 + Headpiece Chap. XXXIII. "When my wife is asleep and all + the house is still" 269 + "The man through the wall" 272 + Pipes 275 + Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII. 276 + + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + + + + +MY LADY NICOTINE. + + +CHAPTER I. + +MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED. + + +The circumstances in which I gave up smoking were these: + +I was a mere bachelor, drifting toward what I now see to be a tragic +middle age. I had become so accustomed to smoke issuing from my mouth +that I felt incomplete without it; indeed, the time came when I could +refrain from smoking if doing nothing else, but hardly during the hours +of toil. To lay aside my pipe was to find myself soon afterward +wandering restlessly round my table. No blind beggar was ever more +abjectly led by his dog, or more loath to cut the string. + +I am much better without tobacco, and already have a difficulty in +sympathizing with the man I used to be. Even to call him up, as it were, +and regard him without prejudice is a difficult task, for we forget the +old selves on whom we have turned our backs, as we forget a street that +has been reconstructed. Does the freed slave always shiver at the crack +of a whip? I fancy not, for I recall but dimly, and without acute +suffering, the horrors of my smoking days. There were nights when I +awoke with a pain at my heart that made me hold my breath. I did not +dare move. After perhaps ten minutes of dread, I would shift my position +an inch at a time. Less frequently I felt this sting in the daytime, +and believed I was dying while my friends were talking to me. I never +mentioned these experiences to a human being; indeed, though a medical +man was among my companions, I cunningly deceived him on the rare +occasions when he questioned me about the amount of tobacco I was +consuming weekly. Often in the dark I not only vowed to give up smoking, +but wondered why I cared for it. Next morning I went straight from +breakfast to my pipe, without the smallest struggle with myself. +Latterly I knew, while resolving to break myself of the habit, that +I would be better employed trying to sleep. I had elaborate ways of +cheating myself, but it became disagreeable to me to know how many +ounces of tobacco I was smoking weekly. Often I smoked cigarettes to +reduce the number of my cigars. + +On the other hand, if these sharp pains be excepted, I felt quite well. +My appetite was as good as it is now, and I worked as cheerfully and +certainly harder. To some slight extent, I believe, I experienced the +same pains in my boyhood, before I smoked, and I am not an absolute +stranger to them yet. They were most frequent in my smoking days, but I +have no other reason for charging them to tobacco. Possibly a doctor who +was himself a smoker would have pooh-poohed them. Nevertheless, I have +lighted my pipe, and then, as I may say, hearkened for them. At the +first intimation that they were coming I laid the pipe down and ceased +to smoke--until they had passed. + +I will not admit that, once sure it was doing me harm, I could not, +unaided, have given up tobacco. But I was reluctant to make sure. I +should like to say that I left off smoking because I considered it a +mean form of slavery, to be condemned for moral as well as physical +reasons; but though now I clearly see the folly of smoking, I was blind +to it for some months after I had smoked my last pipe. I gave up my +most delightful solace, as I regarded it, for no other reason than that +the lady who was willing to fling herself away on me said that I must +choose between it and her. This deferred our marriage for six months. + +I have now come, as those who read will see, to look upon smoking with +my wife's eyes. My old bachelor friends complain because I do not allow +smoking in the house, but I am always ready to explain my position, and +I have not an atom of pity for them. If I cannot smoke here neither +shall they. When I visit them in the old inn they take a poor revenge by +blowing rings of smoke almost in my face. This ambition to blow rings +is the most ignoble known to man. Once I was a member of a club for +smokers, where we practised blowing rings. The most successful got a box +of cigars as a prize at the end of the year. Those were days! Often I +think wistfully of them. We met in a cozy room off the Strand. How well +I can picture it still. Time-tables lying everywhere, with which we +could light our pipes. Some smoked clays, but for the Arcadia Mixture +give me a brier. My brier was the sweetest ever known. It is strange +now to recall a time when a pipe seemed to be my best friend. + +My present state is so happy that I can only look back with wonder at +my hesitation to enter upon it. Our house was taken while I was still +arguing that it would be dangerous to break myself of smoking all at +once. At that time my ideal of married life was not what it is now, and +I remember Jimmy's persuading me to fix on this house, because the large +room upstairs with the three windows was a smoker's dream. He pictured +himself and me there in the summer-time blowing rings, with our coats +off and our feet out at the windows; and he said that the closet at the +back looking on to a blank wall would make a charming drawing-room for +my wife. For the moment his enthusiasm carried me away, but I see now +how selfish it was, and I have before me the face of Jimmy when he paid +us his first visit and found that the closet was not the drawing-room. +Jimmy is a fair specimen of a man, not without parts, destroyed by +devotion to his pipe. To this day he thinks that mantelpiece vases are +meant for holding pipe-lights in. We are almost certain that when he +stays with us he smokes in his bedroom--a detestable practice that +I cannot permit. + +[Illustration] + +Two cigars a day at ninepence apiece come to _L27 7s. 6d._ yearly, +and four ounces of tobacco a week at nine shillings a pound come to +_L5 17s._ yearly. That makes _L33 4s. 6d._ When we calculate +the yearly expense of tobacco in this way, we are naturally taken aback, +and our extravagance shocks us more after we have considered how much +more satisfactorily the money might have been spent. With _L33 4s. +6d._ you can buy new Oriental rugs for the drawing-room, as well as +a spring bonnet and a nice dress. These are things that give permanent +pleasure, whereas you have no interest in a cigar after flinging away +the stump. Judging by myself, I should say that it was want of thought +rather than selfishness that makes heavy smokers of so many bachelors. +Once a man marries, his eyes are opened to many things that he was quite +unaware of previously, among them being the delight of adding an article +of furniture to the drawing-room every month, and having a bedroom in +pink and gold, the door of which is always kept locked. If men would +only consider that every cigar they smoke would buy part of a new +piano-stool in terra-cotta plush, and that for every pound tin of tobacco +purchased away goes a vase for growing dead geraniums in, they would +surely hesitate. They do not consider, however, until they marry, and +then they are forced to it. For my own part, I fail to see why bachelors +should be allowed to smoke as much as they like, when we are debarred +from it. + +[Illustration] + +The very smell of tobacco is abominable, for one cannot get it out of +the curtains, and there is little pleasure in existence unless the +curtains are all right. As for a cigar after dinner, it only makes +you dull and sleepy and disinclined for ladies' society. A far more +delightful way of spending the evening is to go straight from dinner to +the drawing-room and have a little music. It calms the mind to listen to +your wife's niece singing, "Oh, that we two were Maying!" Even if you +are not musical, as is the case with me, there is a great deal in the +drawing-room to refresh you. There are the Japanese fans on the wall, +which are things of beauty, though your artistic taste may not be +sufficiently educated to let you know it except by hearsay; and it is +pleasant to feel that they were bought with money which, in the foolish +old days, would have been squandered on a box of cigars. In like manner +every pretty trifle in the room reminds you how much wiser you are now +than you used to be. It is even gratifying to stand in summer at the +drawing-room window and watch the very cabbies passing with cigars in +their mouths. At the same time, if I had the making of the laws I would +prohibit people's smoking in the street. If they are married men, they +are smoking drawing-room fire-screens and mantelpiece borders for the +pink-and-gold room. If they are bachelors, it is a scandal that +bachelors should get the best of everything. + +Nothing is more pitiable than the way some men of my acquaintance +enslave themselves to tobacco. + +Nay, worse, they make an idol of some one particular tobacco. I know a +man who considers a certain mixture so superior to all others that he +will walk three miles for it. Surely every one will admit that this +is lamentable. It is not even a good mixture, for I used to try it +occasionally; and if there is one man in London who knows tobaccoes it +is myself. There is only one mixture in London deserving the adjective +superb. I will not say where it is to be got, for the result would +certainly be that many foolish men would smoke more than ever; but I +never knew anything to compare to it. It is deliciously mild yet full of +fragrance, and it never burns the tongue. If you try it once you smoke +it ever afterward. It clears the brain and soothes the temper. When +I went away for a holiday anywhere I took as much of that exquisite +health-giving mixture as I thought would last me the whole time, but +I always ran out of it. Then I telegraphed to London for more, and was +miserable until it arrived. How I tore the lid off the canister! That +is a tobacco to live for. But I am better without it. + +Occasionally I feel a little depressed after dinner still, without being +able to say why, and if my wife has left me, I wander about the room +restlessly, like one who misses something. Usually, however, she takes +me with her to the drawing-room, and reads aloud her delightfully long +home-letters or plays soft music to me. If the music be sweet and sad it +takes me away to a stair in an inn, which I climb gayly, and shake open +a heavy door on the top floor, and turn up the gas. It is a little room +I am in once again, and very dusty. A pile of papers and magazines +stands as high as a table in the corner furthest from the door. The cane +chair shows the exact shape of Marriot's back. What is left (after +lighting the fire) of a frame picture lies on the hearth-rug. Gilray +walks in uninvited. He has left word that his visitors are to be sent on +to me. The room fills. My hand feels along the mantelpiece for a brown +jar. The jar is between my knees; I fill my pipe.... + +After a time the music ceases, and my wife puts her hand on my shoulder. +Perhaps I start a little, and then she says I have been asleep. This is +the book of my dreams. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER II. + +MY FIRST CIGAR. + + +[Illustration] + +It was not in my chambers, but three hundred miles further north, that +I learned to smoke. I think I may say with confidence that a first cigar +was never smoked in such circumstances before. + +At that time I was a school-boy, living with my brother, who was a man. +People mistook our relations, and thought I was his son. They would ask +me how my father was, and when he heard of this he scowled at me. Even +to this day I look so young that people who remember me as a boy now +think I must be that boy's younger brother. I shall tell presently of +a strange mistake of this kind, but at present I am thinking of the +evening when my brother's eldest daughter was born--perhaps the most +trying evening he and I ever passed together. So far as I knew, the +affair was very sudden, and I felt sorry for my brother as well as for +myself. + +We sat together in the study, he on an arm-chair drawn near the fire and +I on the couch. I cannot say now at what time I began to have an inkling +that there was something wrong. It came upon me gradually and made +me very uncomfortable, though of course I did not show this. I heard +people going up and down stairs, but I was not at that time naturally +suspicious. Comparatively early in the evening I felt that my brother +had something on his mind. As a rule, when we were left together, he +yawned or drummed with his fingers on the arm of his chair to show that +he did not feel uncomfortable, or I made a pretence of being at ease by +playing with the dog or saying that the room was close. Then one of us +would rise, remark that he had left his book in the dining-room, and +go away to look for it, taking care not to come back till the other +had gone. In this crafty way we helped each other. On that occasion, +however, he did not adopt any of the usual methods, and though I went +up to my bedroom several times and listened through the wall, I heard +nothing. At last some one told me not to go upstairs, and I returned +to the study, feeling that I now knew the worst. He was still in the +arm-chair, and I again took to the couch. I could see by the way he +looked at me over his pipe that he was wondering whether I knew +anything. I don't think I ever liked my brother better than on that +night; and I wanted him to understand that, whatever happened, it would +make no difference between us. But the affair upstairs was too delicate +to talk of, and all I could do was to try to keep his mind from brooding +on it, by making him tell me things about politics. This is the kind of +man my brother is. He is an astonishing master of facts, and I suppose +he never read a book yet, from a Blue Book to a volume of verse, +without catching the author in error about something. He reads books +for that purpose. As a rule I avoided argument with him, because he was +disappointed if I was right and stormed if I was wrong. It was therefore +a dangerous thing to begin on politics, but I thought the circumstances +warranted it. To my surprise he answered me in a rambling manner, +occasionally breaking off in the middle of a sentence and seeming to +listen for something. I tried him on history, and mentioned 1822 as the +date of the battle of Waterloo, merely to give him his opportunity. But +he let it pass. After that there was silence. By and by he rose from +his chair, apparently to leave the room, and then sat down again, as if +he had thought better of it. He did this several times, always eying me +narrowly. Wondering how I could make it easier for him, I took up a book +and pretended to read with deep attention, meaning to show him that he +could go away if he liked without my noticing it. At last he jumped up, +and, looking at me boldly, as if to show that the house was his and +he could do what he liked in it, went heavily from the room. As soon +as he was gone I laid down my book. I was now in a state of nervous +excitement, though outwardly I was quite calm. I took a look at him as +he went up the stairs, and noticed that he had slipped off his shoes +on the bottom step. All haughtiness had left him now. + +[Illustration] + +In a little while he came back. He found me reading. He lighted his pipe +and pretended to read too. I shall never forget that my book was "Anne +Judge, Spinster," while his was a volume of "Blackwood." Every five +minutes his pipe went out, and sometimes the book lay neglected on his +knee as he stared at the fire. Then he would go out for five minutes and +come back again. It was late now, and I felt that I should like to go to +my bedroom and lock myself in. That, however, would have been selfish; +so we sat on defiantly. At last he started from his chair as some one +knocked at the door. I heard several people talking, and then loud above +their voices a younger one. + +[Illustration] + +When I came to myself, the first thing I thought was that they would ask +me to hold it. Then I remembered, with another sinking at the heart, +that they might want to call it after me. These, of course, were selfish +reflections; but my position was a trying one. The question was, what +was the proper thing for me to do? I told myself that my brother might +come back at any moment, and all I thought of after that was what I +should say to him. I had an idea that I ought to congratulate him, but +it seemed a brutal thing to do. I had not made up my mind when I heard +him coming down. He was laughing and joking in what seemed to me a +flippant kind of way, considering the circumstances. When his hand +touched the door I snatched at my book and read as hard as I could. He +was swaggering a little as he entered, but the swagger went out of him +as soon as his eye fell on me. I fancy he had come down to tell me, +and now he did not know how to begin. He walked up and down the room +restlessly, looking at me as he walked the one way, while I looked at +him as he walked the other way. At length he sat down again and took up +his book. He did not try to smoke. The silence was something terrible; +nothing was to be heard but an occasional cinder falling from the grate. +This lasted, I should say, for twenty minutes, and then he closed his +book and flung it on the table. I saw that the game was up, and closed +"Anne Judge, Spinster." Then he said, with affected jocularity: "Well, +young man, do you know that you are an uncle?" There was silence again, +for I was still trying to think out some appropriate remark. After a +time I said, in a weak voice. "Boy or girl?" "Girl," he answered. Then +I thought hard again, and all at once remembered something. "Both doing +well?" I whispered. "Yes," he said sternly. I felt that something great +was expected of me, but I could not jump up and wring his hand. I was an +uncle. I stretched out my arm toward the cigar-box, and firmly lighted +my first cigar. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER III. + +THE ARCADIA MIXTURE. + +[Illustration] + + +Darkness comes, and with it the porter to light our stair gas. He +vanishes into his box. Already the inn is so quiet that the tap of a +pipe on a window-sill startles all the sparrows in the quadrangle. The +men on my stair emerged from their holes. Scrymgeour, in a +dressing-gown, pushes open the door of the boudoir on the first floor, +and climbs lazily. The sentimental face and the clay with a crack in it +are Marriot's. Gilray, who has been rehearsing his part in the new +original comedy from the Icelandic, ceases muttering and feels his way +along his dark lobby. Jimmy pins a notice on his door, "Called away on +business," and crosses to me. Soon we are all in the old room again, +Jimmy on the hearth-rug, Marriot in the cane chair; the curtains are +pinned together with a pen-nib, and the five of us are smoking the +Arcadia Mixture. + +Pettigrew will be welcomed if he comes, but he is a married man, and we +seldom see him nowadays. Others will be regarded as intruders. If they +are smoking common tobaccoes, they must either be allowed to try ours +or requested to withdraw. One need only put his head in at my door to +realize that tobaccoes are of two kinds, the Arcadia and others. No +one who smokes the Arcadia would ever attempt to describe its delights, +for his pipe would be certain to go out. When he was at school, Jimmy +Moggridge smoked a cane chair, and he has since said that from cane to +ordinary mixtures was not so noticeable as the change from ordinary +mixtures to the Arcadia. I ask no one to believe this, for the confirmed +smoker in Arcadia detests arguing with anybody about anything. Were I +anxious to prove Jimmy's statement, I would merely give you the only +address at which the Arcadia is to be had. But that I will not do. It +would be as rash as proposing a man with whom I am unacquainted for +my club. You may not be worthy to smoke the Arcadia Mixture. + +[Illustration] + +Even though I became attached to you, I might not like to take the +responsibility of introducing you to the Arcadia. This mixture has an +extraordinary effect upon character, and probably you want to remain as +you are. Before I discovered the Arcadia, and communicated it to the +other five--including Pettigrew--we had all distinct individualities, +but now, except in appearance--and the Arcadia even tells on that--we +are as like as holly leaves. We have the same habits, the same ways of +looking at things, the same satisfaction in each other. No doubt we are +not yet absolutely alike, indeed I intend to prove this, but in given +circumstances we would probably do the same thing, and, furthermore, it +would be what other people would not do. Thus when we are together we +are only to be distinguished by our pipes; but any one of us in the +company of persons who smoke other tobaccoes would be considered highly +original. He would be a pigtail in Europe. + +[Illustration] + +If you meet in company a man who has ideas and is not shy, yet refuses +absolutely to be drawn into talk, you may set him down as one of us. +Among the first effects of the Arcadia is to put an end to jabber. +Gilray had at one time the reputation of being such a brilliant talker +that Arcadians locked their doors on him, but now he is a man that can +be invited anywhere. The Arcadia is entirely responsible for the change. +Perhaps I myself am the most silent of our company, and hostesses +usually think me shy. They ask ladies to draw me out, and when the +ladies find me as hopeless as a sulky drawer, they call me stupid. The +charge may be true, but I do not resent it, for I smoke the Arcadia +Mixture, and am consequently indifferent to abuse. + +I willingly gibbet myself to show how reticent the Arcadia makes us. +It happens that I have a connection with Nottingham, and whenever a +man mentions Nottingham to me, with a certain gleam in his eye, I know +that he wants to discuss the lace trade. But it is a curious fact that +the aggressive talker constantly mixes up Nottingham and Northampton. +"Oh, you know Nottingham," he says, interestedly; "and how do you like +Labouchere for a member?" Do you think I put him right? Do you imagine +me thirsting to tell that Mr. Labouchere is the Christian member for +Northampton? Do you suppose me swift to explain that Mr. Broadhurst +is one of the Nottingham members, and that the "Nottingham lambs" +are notorious in the history of political elections? Do you fancy me +explaining that he is quite right in saying that Nottingham has a large +market-place? Do you see me drawn into half an hour's talk about Robin +Hood? That is not my way. I merely reply that we like Mr. Labouchere +pretty well. It may be said that I gain nothing by this; that the talker +will be as curious about Northampton as he would have been about +Nottingham, and that Bradlaugh and Labouchere and boots will serve his +turn quite as well as Broadhurst and lace and Robin Hood. But that is +not so. Beginning on Northampton in the most confident manner, it +suddenly flashes across him that he has mistaken Northampton for +Nottingham. "How foolish of me!" he says. I maintain a severe silence. +He is annoyed. My experience of talkers tells me that nothing annoys +them so much as a blunder of this kind. From the coldly polite way in +which I have taken the talker's remarks, he discovers the value I put +upon them, and after that, if he has a neighbor on the other side, he +leaves me alone. + +Enough has been said to show that the Arcadian's golden rule is to +be careful about what he says. This does not mean that he is to say +nothing. As society is at present constituted you are bound to make an +occasional remark. But you need not make it rashly. It has been said +somewhere that it would be well for talkative persons to count twenty, +or to go over the alphabet, before they let fall the observation that +trembles on their lips. The non-talker has no taste for such an +unintellectual exercise. At the same time he must not hesitate too +long, for, of course, it is to his advantage to introduce the subject. +He ought to think out a topic of which his neighbor will not be able +to make very much. To begin on the fall of snow, or the number of +tons of turkeys consumed on Christmas Day, as stated in the _Daily +Telegraph_, is to deserve your fate. If you are at a dinner-party +of men only, take your host aside, and in a few well-considered +sentences find out from him what kind of men you are to sit between +during dinner. Perhaps one of them is an African traveller. A knowledge +of this prevents your playing into his hands, by remarking that the +papers are full of the relief of Emin Pasha. These private inquiries +will also save you from talking about Mr. Chamberlain to a neighbor who +turns out to be the son of a Birmingham elector. Allow that man his +chance, and he will not only give you the Birmingham gossip, but what +individual electors said about Mr. Chamberlain to the banker or the +tailor, and what the grocer did the moment the poll was declared, with +particulars about the antiquity of Birmingham and the fishing to be had +in the neighborhood. What you ought to do is to talk about Emin Pasha +to this man, and to the traveller about Mr. Chamberlain, taking care, of +course, to speak in a low voice. In that way you may have comparative +peace. Everything, however, depends on the calibre of your neighbors. If +they agree to look upon you as an honorable antagonist, and so to fight +fair, the victory will be to him who deserves it; that is to say, to the +craftier man of the two. But talkers, as a rule, do not fight fair. They +consider silent men their prey. It will thus be seen that I distinguish +between talkers, admitting that some of them are worse than others. The +lowest in the social scale is he who stabs you in the back, as it were, +instead of crossing swords. If one of the gentlemen introduced to you is +of that type, he will not be ashamed to say, "Speaking of Emin Pasha, +I wonder if Mr. Chamberlain is interested in the relief expedition. +I don't know if I told you that my father----" and there he is, fairly +on horseback. It is seldom of any use to tempt him into other channels. +Better turn to your traveller and let him describe the different routes +to Egyptian Equatorial Provinces, with his own views thereon. Allow him +even to draw a map of Africa with a fork on the table-cloth. A talker of +this kind is too full of his subject to insist upon answering questions, +so that he does not trouble you much. It is his own dinner that is +spoiled rather than yours. Treat in the same way as the Chamberlain +talker the man who sits down beside you and begins, "Remarkable man, +Mr. Gladstone." + +There was a ventilator in my room, which sometimes said "Crik-crik!" +reminding us that no one had spoken for an hour. Occasionally, however, +we had lapses of speech, when Gilray might tell over again--though not +quite as I mean to tell it--the story of his first pipeful of the +Arcadia, or Scrymgeour, the travelled man, would give us the list of +famous places in Europe where he had smoked. But, as a rule, none of us +paid much attention to what the others said, and after the last pipe the +room emptied--unless Marriot insisted on staying behind to bore me with +his scruples--by first one and then another putting his pipe into his +pocket and walking silently out of the room. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER IV. + +MY PIPES. + + +In a select company of scoffers my brier was known as the Mermaid. The +mouth-piece was a cigarette-holder, and months of unwearied practice +were required before you found the angle at which the bowl did not drop +off. + +[Illustration] + +This brings me to one of the many advantages that my brier had over +all other pipes. It has given me a reputation for gallantry, to which +without it I fear I could lay no claim. I used to have a passion for +repartee, especially in the society of ladies. But it is with me as with +many other men of parts whose wit has ever to be fired by a long fuse: +my best things strike me as I wend my way home. This embittered my early +days; and not till the pride of youth had been tamed could I stop to lay +in a stock of repartee on likely subjects the night before. Then my +pipe helped me. It was the apparatus that carried me to my prettiest +compliment. Having exposed my pipe in some prominent place where it +could hardly escape notice, I took measures for insuring a visit from +a lady, young, graceful, accomplished. Or I might have it ready for a +chance visitor. On her arrival, I conducted her to a seat near my pipe. +It is not good to hurry on to the repartee at once; so I talked for +a time of the weather, the theatres, the new novel. I kept my eye +on her; and by and by she began to look about her. She observed the +strange-looking pipe. Now is the critical moment. It is possible that +she may pass it by without remark, in which case all is lost; but +experience has shown me that four times out of six she touches it in +assumed horror, to pass some humorous remark. Off tumbles the bowl. +"Oh," she exclaims, "see what I have done! I am so sorry!" I pull myself +together. "Madame," I reply calmly, and bowing low, "what else was to be +expected? You came near my pipe--and it lost its head." She blushes, but +cannot help being pleased; and I set my pipe for the next visitor. By +the help of a note-book, of course, I guarded myself against paying this +very neat compliment to any person more than once. However, after I +smoked the Arcadia the desire to pay ladies compliments went from me. + +Journeying back into the past, I come to a time when my pipe had a +mouth-piece of fine amber. The bowl and the rest of the stem were of +brier, but it was a gentlemanly pipe, without silver mountings. Such +tobacco I revelled in as may have filled the pouch of Pan as he lay +smoking on the mountain-sides. Once I saw a beautiful woman with +brown hair, in and out of which the rays of a morning sun played +hide-and-seek, that might not unworthily have been compared to it. +Beguiled by the exquisite Arcadia, the days and the years passed from me +in delicate rings of smoke, and I contentedly watched them sailing to +the skies. How continuous was the line of those lovely circles, and how +straight! One could have passed an iron rod through them from end to +end. But one day I had a harsh awakening. I bit the amber mouth-piece +of my pipe through, and life was never the same again. + +It is strange how attached we become to old friends, though they be but +inanimate objects. The old pipe put aside, I turned to a meerschaum, +which had been presented to me years before, with the caution that I +must not smoke it unless I wore kid gloves. There was no savor in that +pipe for me. I tried another brier, and it made me unhappy. Clays would +not keep in with me. It seemed as if they knew I was hankering after the +old pipe, and went out in disgust. Then I got a new amber mouth-piece +for my first love. In a week I had bitten that through too, and in an +over-anxious attempt to file off the ragged edges I broke the screw. +Moralists have said that the smoker who has no thought but for his pipe +never breaks it; that it is he only who while smoking concentrates his +mind on some less worthy object that sends his teeth through the amber. +This may be so; for I am a philosopher, and when working out new +theories I may have been careless even of that which inspired them most. + +After this second accident nothing went well with me or with my pipe. +I took the mouthpieces out of other pipes and fixed them on to the +Mermaid. In a little while one of them became too wide; another broke as +I was screwing it more firmly in. Then the bowl cracked at the rim and +split at the bottom. This was an annoyance until I found out what was +wrong and plugged up the fissures with sealing-wax. The wax melted and +dropped upon my clothes after a time; but it was easily renewed. + +It was now that I had the happy thought of bringing a cigarette-holder +to my assistance. But of course one cannot make a pipe-stem out of a +cigarette-holder all at once. The thread you wind round the screw has +a disappointing way of coming undone, when down falls the bowl, with +an escape of sparks. Twisting a piece of paper round the screw is an +improvement; but, until you have acquired the knack, the operation has +to be renewed every time you relight your pipe. This involves a sad loss +of time, and in my case it afforded a butt for the dull wit of visitors. +Otherwise I found it satisfactory, and I was soon astonishingly adept +at making paper screws. Eventually my brier became as serviceable as +formerly, though not, perhaps, so handsome. I fastened on the holder +with sealing-wax, and often a week passed without my having to renew the +joint. + +It was no easy matter lighting a pipe like mine, especially when I had +no matches. I always meant to buy a number of boxes, but somehow I put +off doing it. Occasionally I found a box of vestas on my mantelpiece, +which some caller had left there by mistake, or sympathizing, perhaps, +with my case; but they were such a novelty that I never felt quite at +home with them. Generally I remembered they were there just after my +pipe was lighted. + + +When I kept them in mind and looked forward to using them, they were +at the other side of the room, and it would have been a pity to get +up for them. Besides, the most convenient medium for lighting one's +pipe is paper, after all; and if you have not an old envelope in your +pocket, there is probably a photograph standing on the mantelpiece. +It is convenient to have the magazines lying handy; or a page from a +book--hand-made paper burns beautifully--will do. To be sure, there is +the lighting of your paper. For this your lamp is practically useless, +standing in the middle of the table, while you are in an easy-chair +by the fireside; and as for the tape-and-spark contrivance, it is the +introduction of machinery into the softest joys of life. The fire is +best. It is near you, and you drop your burning spill into it with a +minimum waste of energy. The proper fire for pipes is one in a cheerful +blaze. If your spill is carelessly constructed the flame runs up into +your fingers before you know what you are doing, so that it is as well +to marry and get your wife to make spills for you. Before you begin to +smoke, scatter these about the fireplace. Then you will be able to reach +them without rising. The irritating fire is the one that has burned +low--when the coals are more than half cinders, and cling to each other +in fear of death. With such a fire it is no use attempting to light a +pipe all at once. Your better course now is to drop little bits of paper +into the likely places in the fire, and have a spill ready to apply to +the one that lights first. It is an anxious moment, for they may merely +shrivel up sullenly without catching fire, and in that case some men +lose their tempers. Bad to lose your temper over your pipe---- + +[Illustration] + +No pipe really ever rivalled the brier in my affections, though I can +recall a mad month when I fell in love with two little meerschaums, +which I christened Romulus and Remus. They lay together in one case in +Regent Street, and it was with difficulty that I could pass the shop +without going in. Often I took side streets to escape their glances, but +at last I asked the price. It startled me, and I hurried home to the +brier. + +I forget when it was that a sort of compromise struck me. This was +that I should present the pipes to my brother as a birthday gift. Did +I really mean to do this, or was I only trying to cheat my conscience? +Who can tell? I hurried again into Regent Street. There they were, more +beautiful than ever. I hovered about the shop for quite half an hour +that day. My indecision and vacillation were pitiful. Buttoning up my +coat, I would rush from the window, only to find myself back again in +five minutes. Sometimes I had my hand on the shop door. Then I tore it +away and hurried into Oxford Street. Then I slunk back again. Self +whispered, "Buy them--for your brother." Conscience said, "Go home." +At last I braced myself up for a magnificent effort, and jumped into +a 'bus bound for London Bridge. This saved me for the time. + +[Illustration] + +I now began to calculate how I could become owner of the +meerschaums--prior to dispatching them by parcel-post to my +brother--without paying for them. That was my way of putting it. +I calculated that by giving up my daily paper I should save thirteen +shillings in six months. After all, why should I take in a daily paper? +To read through columns of public speeches and police cases and murders +in Paris is only to squander valuable time. Now, when I left home I +promised my father not to waste my time. My father had been very good +to me; why, then, should I do that which I had promised him not to +do? Then, again, there were the theatres. During the past six months +I had spent several pounds on theatres. Was this right? My mother, who +has never, I think, been in a theatre, strongly advised me against +frequenting such places. I did not take this much to heart at the time. +Theatres did not seem to me to be immoral. But, after all, my mother +is older than I am; and who am I, to set my views up against hers? By +avoiding the theatres for the next six months, I am (already), say, +three pounds to the good. I had been frittering away my money, too, +on luxuries; and luxuries are effeminate. Thinking the matter over +temperately and calmly in that way, I saw that I should be thoughtfully +saving money, instead of spending it, by buying Romulus and Remus, as I +already called them. At the same time, I should be gratifying my father +and my mother, and leading a higher and a nobler life. Even then I do +not know that I should have bought the pipes until the six months were +up, had I not been driven to it by jealousy. On my life, love for a pipe +is ever like love for a woman, though they say it is not so acute. Many +a man thinks there is no haste to propose until he sees a hated rival +approaching. Even if he is not in a hurry for the lady himself, he +loathes the idea of her giving herself, in a moment of madness, to +that other fellow. Rather than allow that, he proposes himself, and so +insures her happiness. It was so with me. Romulus and Remus were taken +from the window to show to a black-bearded, swarthy man, whom I +suspected of designs upon them the moment he entered the shop. Ah, the +agony of waiting until he came out! He was not worthy of them. I never +knew how much I loved them until I had nearly lost them. As soon as he +was gone I asked if he had priced them, and was told that he had. He was +to call again to-morrow. I left a deposit of a guinea, hurried home for +more money, and that night Romulus and Remus were mine. But I never +really loved them as I loved my brier. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER V. + +MY TOBACCO-POUCH. + + +[Illustration] + +I once knew a lady who said of her husband that he looked nice when +sitting with a rug over him. My female relatives seemed to have the +same opinion of my tobacco-pouch; for they never saw it, even in my own +room, without putting a book or pamphlet over it. They called it "that +thing," and made tongs of their knitting-needles to lift it; and when I +indignantly returned it to my pocket, they raised their hands to signify +that I would not listen to reason. It seemed to come natural to other +persons to present me with new tobacco-pouches, until I had nearly a +score lying neglected in drawers. But I am not the man to desert an old +friend that has been with me everywhere and thoroughly knows my ways. +Once, indeed, I came near to being unfaithful to my tobacco-pouch, and +I mean to tell how--partly as a punishment to myself. + +[Illustration] + +The incident took place several years ago. Gilray and I had set out on a +walking tour of the Shakespeare country; but we separated at Stratford, +which was to be our starting-point, because he would not wait for me. I +am more of a Shakespearian student than Gilray, and Stratford affected +me so much that I passed day after day smoking reverently at the hotel +door; while he, being of the pure tourist type (not that I would say +a word against Gilray), wanted to rush from one place of interest to +another. He did not understand what thoughts came to me as I strolled +down the Stratford streets; and in the hotel, when I lay down on the +sofa, he said I was sleeping, though I was really picturing to myself +Shakespeare's boyhood. Gilray even went the length of arguing that it +would not be a walking tour at all if we never made a start; so, upon +the whole, I was glad when he departed alone. The next day was a +memorable one to me. In the morning I wrote to my London tobacconist for +more Arcadia. I had quarrelled with both of the Stratford tobacconists. +The one of them, as soon as he saw my tobacco-pouch, almost compelled +me to buy a new one. The second was even more annoying. I paid with a +half-sovereign for the tobacco I had got from him; but after gazing at +the pouch he became suspicious of the coin, and asked if I could not pay +him in silver. An insult to my pouch I considered an insult to myself; +so I returned to those shops no more. The evening of the day on which +I wrote to London for tobacco brought me a letter from home saying that +my sister was seriously ill. I had left her in good health, so that the +news was the more distressing. Of course I returned home by the first +train. Sitting alone in a dull railway compartment, my heart was filled +with tenderness, and I recalled the occasions on which I had carelessly +given her pain. Suddenly I remembered that more than once she had +besought me with tears in her eyes to fling away my old tobacco-pouch. +She had always said that it was not respectable. In the bitterness of +self-reproach I pulled the pouch from my pocket, asking myself whether, +after all, the love of a good woman was not a far more precious +possession. Without giving myself time to hesitate, I stood up and +firmly cast my old pouch out at the window. I saw it fall at the foot +of a fence. The train shot on. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +By the time I reached home my sister had been pronounced out of danger. +Of course I was much relieved to hear it, but at the same time this was +a lesson to me not to act rashly. The retention of my tobacco-pouch +would not have retarded her recovery, and I could not help picturing my +pouch, my oldest friend in the world, lying at the foot of that fence. +I saw that I had done wrong in casting it from me. I had not even the +consolation of feeling that if any one found it he would cherish it, for +it was so much damaged that I knew it could never appeal to a new owner +as it appealed to me. I had intended telling my sister of the sacrifice +made for her sake; but after seeing her so much better, I left the room +without doing so. There was Arcadia Mixture in the house, but I had not +the heart to smoke. I went early to bed, and fell into a troubled sleep, +from which I awoke with a shiver. The rain was driving against my +window, tapping noisily on it as if calling on me to awake and go back +for my tobacco-pouch. It rained far on into the morning, and I lay +miserably, seeing nothing before me but a wet fence, and a tobacco-pouch +among the grass at the foot of it. + +On the following afternoon I was again at Stratford. So far as I could +remember, I had flung away the pouch within a few miles of the station; +but I did not look for it until dusk. I felt that the porters had their +eyes on me. By crouching along hedges I at last reached the railway a +mile or two from the station, and began my search. It may be thought +that the chances were against my finding the pouch; but I recovered it +without much difficulty. The scene as I flung my old friend out at the +window had burned itself into my brain, and I could go to the spot +to-day as readily as I went on that occasion. There it was, lying among +the grass, but not quite in the place where it had fallen. Apparently +some navvy had found it, looked at it, and then dropped it. It was +half-full of water, and here and there it was sticking together; but +I took it up tenderly, and several times on the way back to the station +I felt in my pocket to make sure that it was really there. + +[Illustration] + +I have not described the appearance of my pouch, feeling that to be +unnecessary. It never, I fear, quite recovered from its night in the +rain, and as my female relatives refused to touch it, I had to sew it +together now and then myself. Gilray used to boast of a way of mending +a hole in a tobacco-pouch that was better than sewing. You put the two +pieces of gutta-percha close together and then cut them sharply with +scissors. This makes them run together, he says, and I believed him +until he experimented upon my pouch. However, I did not object to a hole +here and there. Wherever I laid that pouch it left a small deposit of +tobacco, and thus I could generally get together a pipeful at times +when other persons would be destitute. I never told my sister that my +pouch was once all but lost, but ever after that, when she complained +that I had never even tried to do without it, I smiled tenderly. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER VI. + +MY SMOKING-TABLE. + + +[Illustration] + +Had it not been for a bootblack at Charing Cross I should probably never +have bought the smoking-table. I had to pass that boy every morning. In +vain did I scowl at him, or pass with my head to the side. He always +pointed derisively (as I thought) at my boots. Probably my boots were +speckless, but that made no difference; he jeered and sneered. I have +never hated any one as I loathed that boy, and to escape him I took to +going round by the Lowther Arcade. It was here that my eye fell on the +smoking-table. In the Lowther Arcade, if the attendants catch you +looking at any article for a fraction of a second, it is done up in +brown paper, you have paid your money, and they have taken down your +address before you realize that you don't want anything. In this way I +became the owner of my smoking-table, and when I saw it in a brown-paper +parcel on my return to my chambers I could not think what it was until +I cut the strings. Such a little gem of a table no smokers should be +without; and I am not ashamed to say that I was in love with mine +as soon as I had fixed the pieces together. It was of walnut, and +consisted mainly of a stalk and two round slabs not much bigger than +dinner-plates. There were holes in the centre of these slabs for the +stalk to go through, and the one slab stood two feet from the floor, the +other a foot higher. The lower slab was fitted with a walnut tobacco-jar +and a pipe-rack, while on the upper slab were exquisite little recesses +for cigars, cigarettes, matches, and ashes. These held respectively +three cigars, two cigarettes, and four wax vestas. The smoking-table +was an ornament to any room; and the first night I had it I raised my +eyes from my book to look at it every few minutes. I got all my pipes +together and put them in the rack; I filled the jar with tobacco, the +recesses with three cigars, two cigarettes, and four matches; and then +I thought I would have a smoke. I swept my hand confidently along the +mantelpiece, but it did not stop at a pipe. I rose and looked for a +pipe. I had half a dozen, but not one was to be seen--none on the +mantelpiece, none on the window-sill, none on the hearth-rug, none being +used as book-markers. I tugged at the bell till William John came in +quaking, and then I asked him fiercely what he had done with my pipes. I +was so obviously not to be trifled with that William John, as we called +him, because some thought his name was William, while others thought it +was John, very soon handed me my favorite pipe, which he found in the +rack on the smoking-table. This incident illustrates one of the very few +drawbacks of smoking-tables. Not being used to them, you forget about +them. William John, however, took the greatest pride in the table, and +whenever he saw a pipe lying on the rug he pounced upon it and placed +it, like a prisoner, in the rack. He was also most particular about the +three cigars, the two cigarettes, and the four wax vestas, keeping them +carefully in the proper compartments, where, unfortunately, I seldom +thought of looking for them. + +[Illustration] + +The fatal defect of the smoking-table, however, was that it was +generally rolling about the floor--the stalk in one corner, the slabs +here and there, the cigars on the rug to be trampled on, the lid of the +tobacco-jar beneath a chair. Every morning William John had to put the +table together. Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally. I would +fling a crumpled piece of paper into the waste-paper basket. It missed +the basket but hit the smoking-table, which went down like a wooden +soldier. When my fire went out, just because I had taken my eyes off it +for a moment, I called it names and flung the tongs at it. There was a +crash--the smoking-table again. In time I might have remedied this; but +there is one weakness which I could not stand in any smoking-table. A +smoking-table ought to be so constructed that from where you are sitting +you can stretch out your feet, twist them round the stalk, and so lift +the table to the spot where it will be handiest. This my smoking-table +would never do. The moment I had it in the air it wanted to stand on its +head. + +Though I still admired smoking-tables as much as ever, I began to want +very much to give this one away. The difficulty was not so much to know +whom to give it to as how to tie it up. My brother was the very person, +for I owed him a letter, and this, I thought, would do instead. For a +month I meant to pack the table up and send it to him; but I always put +off doing it, and at last I thought the best plan would be to give it to +Scrymgeour, who liked elegant furniture. As a smoker, Scrymgeour seemed +the very man to appreciate a pretty, useful little table. Besides, all +I had to do was to send William John down with it. Scrymgeour was out +at the time; but we left it at the side of his fireplace as a pleasant +surprise. Next morning, to my indignation, it was back at the side of +my fireplace, and in the evening Scrymgeour came and upbraided me for +trying, as he most unworthily expressed it, "to palm the thing off on +him." He was no sooner gone than I took the table to pieces to send it +to my brother. I tied the stalk up in brown paper, meaning to get a box +for the other parts. William John sent off the stalk, and for some days +the other pieces littered the floor. My brother wrote me saying he had +received something from me, for which his best thanks; but would I tell +him what it was, as it puzzled everybody? This was his impatient way; +but I made an effort, and sent off the other pieces to him in a hat-box. + +That was a year ago, and since then I have only heard the history of +the smoking-table in fragments. My brother liked it immensely; but +he thought it was too luxurious for a married man, so he sent it to +Reynolds, in Edinburgh. Not knowing Reynolds, I cannot say what his +opinion was; but soon afterward I heard of its being in the possession +of Grayson, who was charmed with it, but gave it to Pelle, because it +was hardly in its place in a bachelor's establishment. Later a town man +sent it to a country gentleman as just the thing for the country; and it +was afterward in Liverpool as the very thing for a town. There I thought +it was lost, so far as I was concerned. One day, however, Boyd, a friend +of mine who lives in Glasgow, came to me for a week, and about six hours +afterward he said that he had a present for me. He brought it into my +sitting-room--a bulky parcel--and while he was undoing the cords he told +me it was something quite novel; he had bought it in Glasgow the day +before. When I saw a walnut leg I started; in another two minutes I was +trying to thank Boyd for my own smoking-table. I recognized it by the +dents. I was too much the gentleman to insist on an explanation from +Boyd; but, though it seems a harsh thing to say, my opinion is that +these different persons gave the table away because they wanted to get +rid of it. William John has it now. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER VII. + +GILRAY. + + +[Illustration] + +Gilray is an actor, whose life I may be said to have strangely +influenced, for it was I who brought him and the Arcadia Mixture +together. After that his coming to live on our stair was only a matter +of rooms being vacant. + +We met first in the Merediths' house-boat, the _Tawny Owl_, which +was then lying at Molesey. Gilray, as I soon saw, was a man trying to be +miserable, and finding it the hardest task in life. It is strange that +the philosophers have never hit upon this profound truth. No man ever +tried harder to be unhappy than Gilray; but the luck was against him, +and he was always forgetting himself. Mark Tapley succeeded in being +jolly in adverse circumstances; Gilray failed, on the whole, in being +miserable in a delightful house-boat. It is, however, so much more +difficult to keep up misery than jollity that I like to think of his +attempt as what the dramatic critics call a _succes d'estime_. + +The _Tawny Owl_ lay on the far side of the island. There were +ladies in it; and Gilray's misery was meant to date from the moment when +he asked one of them a question, and she said "No." Gilray was strangely +unlucky during the whole of his time on board. His evil genius was +there, though there was very little room for him, and played sad pranks. +Up to the time of his asking the question referred to, Gilray meant to +create a pleasant impression by being jolly, and he only succeeded in +being as depressing as Jaques. Afterward he was to be unutterably +miserable; and it was all he could do to keep himself at times from +whirling about in waltz tune. But then the nearest boat had a piano on +board, and some one was constantly playing dance music. Gilray had an +idea that it would have been the proper thing to leave Molesey when +she said "No;" and he would have done so had not the barbel-fishing +been so good. The barbel-fishing was altogether unfortunate--at least +Gilray's passion for it was. I have thought--and so sometimes has +Gilray--that if it had not been for a barbel she might not have said +"No." He was fishing from the house-boat when he asked the question. You +know how you fish from a house-boat. The line is flung into the water +and the rod laid down on deck. You keep an eye on it. Barbel-fishing, in +fact, reminds one of the independent sort of man who is quite willing to +play host to you, but wishes you clearly to understand at the same time +that he can do without you. "Glad to see you with us if you have nothing +better to do; but please yourself," is what he says to his friends. This +is also the form of invitation to barbel. Now it happened that she and +Gilray were left alone in the house-boat. It was evening; some Chinese +lanterns had been lighted, and Gilray, though you would not think it +to look at him, is romantic. He cast his line, and, turning to his +companion, asked her the question. From what he has told me he asked it +very properly, and all seemed to be going well. She turned away her head +(which is said not to be a bad sign) and had begun to reply, when a +woful thing happened. The line stiffened, and there was a whirl of the +reel. Who can withstand that music? You can ask a question at any time, +but, even at Molesey, barbel are only to be got now and then. Gilray +rushed to his rod and began playing the fish. He called to his companion +to get the landing-net. She did so; and after playing his barbel for ten +minutes Gilray landed it. Then he turned to her again, and she said, "No." + +Gilray sees now that he made a mistake in not departing that night by +the last train. He overestimated his strength. However, we had something +to do with his staying on, and he persuaded himself that he remained +just to show her that she had ruined his life. Once, I believe, he +repeated his question; but in reply she only asked him if he had caught +any more barbel. Considering the surprisingly fine weather, the +barbel-fishing, and the piano on the other boat, Gilray was perhaps +as miserable as could reasonably have been expected. Where he ought to +have scored best, however, he was most unlucky. She had a hammock swung +between two trees, close to the boat, and there she lay, holding a novel +in her hand. From the hammock she had a fine view of the deck, and this +was Gilray's chance. As soon as he saw her comfortably settled, he +pulled a long face and climbed on deck. There he walked up and down, +trying to look the image of despair. When she made some remark to +him, his plan was to show that, though he answered cordially, his +cheerfulness was the result of a terrible inward struggle. He did +contrive to accomplish this if he was waiting for her observation; but +she sometimes took him unawares, starting a subject in which he was +interested. Then, forgetting his character, he would talk eagerly +or jest with her across the strip of water, until with a start he +remembered what he had become. He would seek to recover himself after +that; but of course it was too late to create a really lasting +impression. Even when she left him alone, watching him, I fear, over +the top of her novel, he disappointed himself. For five minutes or so +everything would go well; he looked as dejected as possible; but as he +fell he was succeeding he became so self-satisfied that he began to +strut. A pleased expression crossed his face, and instead of allowing +his head to hang dismally, he put it well back. Sometimes, when we +wanted to please him, we said he looked as glum as a mute at a funeral. +Even that, however, defeated his object, for it flattered him so much +that he smiled with gratification. + +[Illustration] + +Gilray made one great sacrifice by giving up smoking, though not indeed +such a sacrifice as mine, for up to this time he did not know the +Arcadia Mixture. Perhaps the only time he really did look as miserable +as he wished was late at night when we men sat up for a second last pipe +before turning in. He looked wistfully at us from a corner. Yet as She +had gone to rest, cruel fate made this of little account. His gloomy +face saddened us too, and we tried to entice him to shame by promising +not to mention it to the ladies. He almost yielded, and showed us that +while we smoked he had been holding his empty brier in his right hand. +For a moment he hesitated, then said fiercely that he did not care for +smoking. Next night he was shown a novel, the hero of which had been +"refused." Though the lady's hard-heartedness had a terrible effect on +this fine fellow, he "strode away blowing great clouds into the air." +"Standing there smoking in the moonlight," the authoress says in her +next chapter, "De Courcy was a strangely romantic figure. He looked like +a man who had done everything, who had been through the furnace and had +not come out of it unscathed." This was precisely what Gilray wanted to +look like. Again he hesitated, and then put his pipe in his pocket. + +It was now that I approached him with the Arcadia Mixture. I seldom +recommend the Arcadia to men whom I do not know intimately, lest in +the after-years I should find them unworthy of it. But just as Aladdin +doubtless rubbed his lamp at times for show, there were occasions when +I was ostentatiously liberal. If, after trying the Arcadia, the lucky +smoker to whom I presented it did not start or seize my hand, or +otherwise show that something exquisite had come into his life, I at +once forgot his name and his existence. I approached Gilray, then, +and without a word handed him my pouch, while the others drew nearer. +Nothing was to be heard but the water oozing out and in beneath the +house-boat. Gilray pushed the tobacco from him, as he might have pushed +a bag of diamonds that he mistook for pebbles. I placed it against his +arm, and motioned to the others not to look. Then I sat down beside +Gilray, and almost smoked into his eyes. Soon the aroma reached him, +and rapture struggled into his face. Slowly his fingers fastened on the +pouch. He filled his pipe without knowing what he was doing, and I +handed him a lighted spill. He took perhaps three puffs, and then gave +me a look of reverence that I know well. It only comes to a man once in +all its glory--the first time he tries the Arcadia Mixture--but it never +altogether leaves him. + +"Where do you get it?" Gilray whispered, in hoarse delight. + +The Arcadia had him for its own. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER VIII. + +MARRIOT. + + +[Illustration] + +I have hinted that Marriot was our sentimental member. He was seldom +sentimental until after midnight, and then only when he and I were +alone. Why he should have chosen me as the pail into which to pour his +troubles I cannot say. I let him talk on, and when he had ended I showed +him plainly that I had been thinking most of the time about something +else. Whether Marriot was entirely a humbug or the most conscientious +person on our stair, readers may decide. He was fond of argument if you +did not answer him, and often wanted me to tell him if I thought he was +in love; if so, why did I think so; if not, why not. What makes me on +reflection fancy that he was sincere is that in his statements he would +let his pipe go out. + +Of course I cannot give his words, but he would wait till all my other +guests had gone, then softly lock the door, and returning to the cane +chair empty himself in some such way as this: + +"I have something I want to talk to you about. Pass me a spill. Well, it +is this. Before I came to your rooms to-night I was cleaning my pipe, +when all at once it struck me that I might be in love. This is the kind +of shock that pulls a man up and together. My first thought was, if it +be love, well and good; I shall go on. As a gentleman I know my duty +both to her and to myself. At present, however, I am not certain which +she is. In love there are no degrees; of that at least I feel positive. +It is a tempestuous, surging passion, or it is nothing. The question for +me, therefore, is, Is this the beginning of a tempestuous, surging +passion? But stop; does such a passion have a beginning? Should it not +be in flood before we know what we are about? I don't want you to +answer. + +[Illustration] + +"One of my difficulties is that I cannot reason from experience. I +cannot say to myself, During the spring of 1886, and again in October, +1888, your breast has known the insurgence of a tempestuous passion. Do +you now note the same symptoms? Have you experienced a sudden sinking +at the heart, followed by thrills of exultation? Now I cannot even say +that my appetite has fallen off, but I am smoking more than ever, and it +is notorious that I experience sudden chills and thrills. Is this +passion? No, I am not done; I have only begun. + +[Illustration] + +"In 'As You Like It,' you remember, the love symptoms are described at +length. But is _Rosalind_ to be taken seriously? Besides, though +she wore boy's clothes, she had only the woman's point of view. I have +consulted Stevenson's chapters on love in his delightful 'Virginibus +Puerisque,' and one of them says, 'Certainly, if I could help it, I +would never marry a wife who wrote.' Then I noticed a book published +after that one, and entitled 'The New Arabian Nights, by Mr. and Mrs. +Robert Louis Stevenson.' I shut 'Virginibus Puerisque' with a sigh, and +put it away. + +[Illustration] + +"But this inquiry need not, I feel confident, lead to nothing. +Negatively I know love; for I do not require to be told what it is not, +and I have my ideal. Putting my knowledge together and surveying it +dispassionately in the mass, I am inclined to think that this is really +love. + +[Illustration] + +"I may lay down as Proposition I. that surging, tempestuous passion +comes involuntarily. You are heart-whole, when, as it were, the gates +of your bosom open, in she sweeps, and the gates close. So far this is +a faithful description of my case. Whatever it is, it came without any +desire or volition on my part, and it looks as if it meant to stay. What +I ask myself is--first, What is it? secondly, Where is it? thirdly, Who +is it? and fourthly, What shall I do with it? I have thus my work cut +out for me. + +[Illustration] + +"What is it? I reply that I am stumped at once, unless I am allowed to +fix upon an object definitely and precisely. This, no doubt, is arguing +in a circle; but Descartes himself assumed what he was to try to prove. +This, then, being permitted, I have chosen my object, and we can now go +on again. What is it? Some might evade the difficulty by taking a middle +course. You are not, they might say, in love as yet, but you are on +the brink of it. The lady is no idol to you at present, but neither is +she indifferent. You would not walk four miles in wet weather to get +a rose from her; but if she did present you with a rose, you would not +wittingly drop it down an area. In short, you have all but lost your +heart. To this I reply simply, love is not a process, it is an event. +You may unconsciously be on the brink of it, when all at once the ground +gives way beneath you, and in you go. The difference between love and +not-love, if I may be allowed the word, being so wide, my inquiry should +produce decisive results. On the whole, therefore, and in the absence of +direct proof to the contrary, I believe that the passion of love does +possess me. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +"Where is it? This is the simplest question of the four. It is in the +heart. It fills the heart to overflowing, so that if there were one drop +more the heart would run over. Love is thus plainly a liquid: which +accounts to some extent for its well-recognized habit of surging. Among +its effects this may be noted: that it makes you miserable if you be +not by the loved one's side. To hold her hand is ecstasy, to press it, +rapture. The fond lover--as it might be myself--sees his beloved depart +on a railway journey with apprehension. He never ceases to remember that +engines burst and trains run off the line. In an agony he awaits the +telegram that tells him she has reached Shepherd's Bush in safety. +When he sees her talking, as if she liked it, to another man, he is +torn, he is rent asunder, he is dismembered by jealousy. He walks beneath +her window till the policeman sees him home; and when he wakes in the +morning, it is to murmur her name to himself until he falls asleep again +and is late for the office. Well, do I experience such sensations, or do +I not? Is this love, after all? Where are the spills? + +"I have been taking for granted that I know who it is. But is this +wise? Nothing puzzles me so much as the way some men seem to know, by +intuition, as it were, which is the woman for whom they have a passion. +They take a girl from among their acquaintance, and never seem to +understand that they may be taking the wrong one. However, with certain +reservations, I do not think I go too far in saying that I know who she +is. There is one other, indeed, that I have sometimes thought--but it +fortunately happens that they are related, so that in any case I cannot +go far wrong. After I have seen them again, or at least before I +propose, I shall decide definitely on this point. + +"We have now advanced as far as Query IV. Now, what is to be done? Let +us consider this calmly. In the first place, have I any option in the +matter, or is love a hurricane that carries one hither and thither as +a bottle is tossed in a chopping sea? I reply that it all depends on +myself. Rosalind would say no; that we are without control over love. +But Rosalind was a woman. It is probably true that a woman cannot +conquer love. Man, being her ideal in the abstract, is irresistible to +her in the concrete. But man, being an intellectual creature, can make +a magnificent effort and cast love out. Should I think it advisable, +I do not question my ability to open the gates of my heart and bid her +go. That would be a serious thing for her; and, as man is powerful, so, +I think, should he be merciful. She has, no doubt, gained admittance, +as it were, furtively; but can I, as a gentleman, send away a weak, +confiding woman who loves me simply because she cannot help it? +Nay, more, in a pathetic case of this kind, have I not a certain +responsibility? Does not her attachment to me give her a claim upon me? +She saw me, and love came to her. She looks upon me as the noblest and +best of my sex. I do not say I am; it may be that I am not. But I have +the child's happiness in my hands; can I trample it beneath my feet? It +seems to be my plain duty to take her to me. + +"But there are others to consider. For me, would it not be the better +part to show her that the greatest happiness of the greatest number +should be my first consideration? Certainly there is nothing in a man I +despise more than conceit in affairs of this sort. When I hear one of my +sex boasting of his 'conquests,' I turn from him in disgust. 'Conquest' +implies effort; and to lay one's self out for victories over the other +sex always reminds me of pigeon-shooting. On the other hand, we must +make allowances for our position of advantage. These little ones +come into contact with us; they see us, athletic, beautiful, in the +hunting-field or at the wicket; they sit beside us at dinner and listen +to our brilliant conversation. They have met us, and the mischief is +done. Every man--except, perhaps, yourself and Jimmy--knows the names +of a few dear girls who have lost their hearts to him--some more, some +less. I do not pretend to be in a different position from my neighbors, +or in a better one. To some slight extent I may be to blame. But, after +all, when a man sees cheeks redden and eyes brighten at his approach, +he loses prudence. At the time he does not think what may be the +consequences. But the day comes when he sees that he must take heed what +he is about. He communes with himself about the future, and if he be a +man of honor he maps out in his mind the several courses it is allowed +him to follow, and chooses that one which he may tread with least pain +to others. May that day for introspection come to few as it has come to +me. Love is, indeed, a madness in the brain. Good-night." + +[Illustration] + +When he finished I would wake up, open the door for Marriot, and light +him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER IX. + +JIMMY. + + +With the exception of myself, Jimmy Moggridge was no doubt the most +silent of the company that met so frequently in my rooms. Just as +Marriot's eyebrows rose if the cane chair was not empty when he strode +in, Jimmy held that he had a right to the hearth-rug, on which he loved +to lie prone, his back turned to the company and his eyes on his pipe. +The stem was a long cherry-wood, but the bowl was meerschaum, and Jimmy, +as he smoked, lay on the alert, as it were, to see the meerschaum +coloring. So one may strain his eyes with intent eagerness until he can +catch the hour-hand of a watch in action. With tobacco in his pocket +Jimmy could refill his pipe without moving, but sometimes he crawled +along the hearth-rug to let the fire-light play more exquisitely on his +meerschaum bowl. In time, of course, the Arcadia Mixture made him more +and more like the rest of us, but he retained his individuality until he +let his bowl fall off. Otherwise he only differed from us in one way. +When he saw a match-box he always extracted a few matches and put them +dreamily into his pocket. There were times when, with a sharp blow on +Jimmy's person, we could doubtless have had him blazing like a +chandelier. + +[Illustration] + +Jimmy was a barrister--though this is scarcely worth mentioning--and +it had been known to us for years that he made a living by contributing +to the _Saturday Review_. How the secret leaked out I cannot say with +certainty. Jimmy never forced it upon us, and I cannot remember any +paragraphs in the London correspondence of the provincial papers +coupling his name with _Saturday_ articles. On the other hand, I +distinctly recall having to wait one day in his chambers while Jimmy was +shaving, and noticing accidentally a long, bulky envelope on his table, +with the _Saturday Review's_ mystic crest on it. It was addressed +to Jimmy, and contained, I concluded, a bundle of proofs. That was +so long ago as 1885. If further evidence is required, there is the +undoubted fact, to which several of us could take oath, that, at Oxford, +Jimmy was notorious for his sarcastic pen--nearly being sent down, +indeed, for the same. Again, there was the certainty that for years +Jimmy had been engaged upon literary work of some kind. We had been +with him buying the largest-sized scribbling paper in the market; we +had heard him muttering to himself as if in pain: and we had seen him +correcting proof-sheets. When we caught him at them he always thrust the +proofs into a drawer which he locked by putting his leg on it--for the +ordinary lock was broken--and remaining in that position till we had +retired. Though he rather shunned the subject as a rule, he admitted +to us that the work was journalism and not a sarcastic history of the +nineteenth century, on which we felt he would come out strong. Lastly, +Jimmy had lost the brightness of his youth, and was become silent and +moody, which is well known to be the result of writing satire. + +[Illustration] + +Were it not so notorious that the thousands who write regularly for the +_Saturday_ have reasons of their own for keeping it dark and merely +admitting the impeachment with a nod or smile, we might have marvelled +at Jimmy's reticence. There were, however, moments when he thawed so +far as practically to allow, and every one knows what that means, that +the _Saturday_ was his chief source of income. "Only," he would +add, "should you be acquainted with the editor, don't mention my +contributions to him." From this we saw that Jimmy and the editor had an +understanding on the subject, though we were never agreed which of them +it was who had sworn the other to secrecy. We were proud of Jimmy's +connection with the press, and every week we discussed his latest +article. Jimmy never told us, except in a roundabout way, which were his +articles; but we knew his style, and it was quite exhilarating to pick +out his contributions week by week. We were never baffled, for "Jimmy's +touches" were unmistakable; and "Have you seen Jimmy this week in +the _Saturday_ on Lewis Morris?" or, "I say, do you think Buchanan +knows it was Jimmy who wrote that?" was what we said when we had lighted +our pipes. + +Now I come to the incident that drew from Jimmy his extraordinary +statement. I was smoking with him in his rooms one evening, when a +clatter at his door was followed by a thud on the floor. I knew as +well as Jimmy what had happened. In his pre-_Saturday_ days he had +no letter-box, only a slit in the door; and through this we used to +denounce him on certain occasions when we called and he would not let us +in. Lately, however, he had fitted up a letter-box himself, which kept +together if you opened the door gently, but came clattering to the floor +under the weight of heavy letters. The letter to which it had succumbed +this evening was quite a package, and could even have been used as a +missile. Jimmy snatched it up quickly, evidently knowing the contents +by their bulk; and I was just saying to myself, "More proofs from the +_Saturday_," when the letter burst at the bottom, and in a moment a +score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet. In vain did +Jimmy entreat me to let him gather them up. I helped, and saw, to my +bewilderment, that all the letters were addressed in childish hands +to "Uncle Jim, care of Editor of _Mothers Pets_." It was impossible +that Jimmy could have so many nephews and nieces. + +Seeing that I had him, Jimmy advanced to the hearth-rug as if about to +make his statement; then changed his mind and, thrusting a dozen of the +letters into my hands, invited me to read. The first letter ran: +"Dearest Uncle Jim,--I must tell you about my canary. I love my canary +very much. It is a yellow canary, and it sings so sweetly. I keep it in +a cage, and it is so tame. Mamma and me wishes you would come and see us +and our canary. Dear Uncle Jim, I love you.--Your little friend, Milly +(aged four years)." Here is the second: "Dear Uncle Jim,--You will want +to know about my blackbird. It sits in a tree and picks up the crumbs +on the window, and Thomas wants to shoot it for eating the cherries; +but I won't let Thomas shoot it, for it is a nice blackbird, and I have +wrote all this myself.--Your loving little Bobby (aged five years)." +In another, Jacky (aged four and a half) described his parrot, and I +have also vague recollections of Harry (aged six) on his chaffinch, and +Archie (five) on his linnet. "What does it mean?" I demanded of Jimmy, +who, while I read, had been smoking savagely. "Don't you see that they +are in for the prize?" he growled. Then he made his statement. + +"I have never," Jimmy said, "contributed to the _Saturday_, nor, +indeed, to any well-known paper. That, however, was only because the +editors would not meet me half-way. After many disappointments, +fortune--whether good or bad I cannot say--introduced me to the +editor of _Mothers Pets_, a weekly journal whose title sufficiently +suggests its character. Though you may never have heard of it, +_Mothers Pets_ has a wide circulation and is a great property. I +was asked to join the staff under the name of 'Uncle Jim,' and did not +see my way to refuse. I inaugurated a new feature. Mothers' pets were +cordially invited to correspond with me on topics to be suggested week +by week, and prizes were to be given for the best letters. This feature +has been an enormous success, and I get the most affectionate letters +from mothers, consulting me about teething and the like, every week. +They say that I am dearer to their children than most real uncles, and +they often urge me to go and stay with them. There are lots of kisses +awaiting me. I also get similar invitations from the little beasts +themselves. Pass the Arcadia." + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER X. + +SCRYMGEOUR. + + +Scrymgeour was an artist and a man of means, so proud of his profession +that he gave all his pictures fancy prices, and so wealthy that he could +have bought them. To him I went when I wanted money--though it must not +be thought that I borrowed. In the days of the Arcadia Mixture I had +no bank account. As my checks dribbled in I stuffed them into a torn +leather case that was kept together by a piece of twine, and when Want +tapped at my chamber door, I drew out the check that seemed most willing +to come, and exchanged with Scrymgeour. In his detestation of argument +Scrymgeour resembled myself, but otherwise we differed as much as men +may differ who smoke the Arcadia. He read little, yet surprised us by a +smattering of knowledge about all important books that had been out for +a few months, until we discovered that he got his information from a +friend in India. He had also, I remember, a romantic notion that Africa +might be civilized by the Arcadia Mixture. As I shall explain presently, +his devotion to the Arcadia very nearly married him against his will; +but first I must describe his boudoir. + +We always called it Scrymgeour's boudoir after it had ceased to deserve +the censure, just as we called Moggridge Jimmy because he was Jimmy to +some of us as a boy. Scrymgeour deserted his fine rooms in Bayswater for +the inn some months after the Arcadia Mixture had reconstructed him, but +his chambers were the best on our stair, and with the help of a workman +from the Japanese Village he converted them into an Oriental dream. Our +housekeeper thought little of the rest of us while the boudoir was +there to be gazed at, and even William John would not spill the coffee +in it. When the boudoir was ready for inspection, Scrymgeour led me to +it, and as the door opened I suddenly remembered that my boots were +muddy. The ceiling was a great Japanese Christmas card representing the +heavens; heavy clouds floated round a pale moon, and with the dusk the +stars came out. The walls, instead of being papered, were hung with a +soft Japanese cloth, and fantastic figures frolicked round a fireplace +that held a bamboo fan. There was no mantelpiece. The room was very +small; but when you wanted a blue velvet desk to write on, you had only +to press a spring against the wall; and if you leaned upon the desk the +Japanese workmen were ready to make you a new one. There were springs +everywhere, shaped like birds and mice and butterflies; and when you +touched one of them something was sure to come out. Blood-colored +curtains separated the room from the alcove where Scrymgeour was to rest +by night, and his bed became a bath by simply turning it upside down. On +one side of the bed was a wine-bin, with a ladder running up to it. The +door of the sitting-room was a symphony in gray, with shadowy reptiles +crawling across the panels; and the floor--dark, mysterious--presented +a fanciful picture of the infernal regions. Scrymgeour said hopefully +that the place would look cozier after he had his pictures in it; but he +stopped me when I began to fill my pipe. He believed, he said, that +smoking was not a Japanese custom; and there was no use taking Japanese +chambers unless you lived up to them. Here was a revelation. Scrymgeour +proposed to live his life in harmony with these rooms. I felt too sad at +heart to say much to him then, but, promising to look in again soon, I +shook hands with my unhappy friend and went away. + +[Illustration] + +It happened, however, that Scrymgeour had been several times in my rooms +before I was able to visit him again. My hand was on his door-bell when +I noticed a figure I thought I knew lounging at the foot of the stair. +It was Scrymgeour himself, and he was smoking the Arcadia. We greeted +each other languidly on the doorstep, Scrymgeour assuring me that "Japan +in London" was a grand idea. It gave a zest to life, banishing the poor, +weary conventionalities of one's surroundings. This was said while we +still stood at the door, and I began to wonder why Scrymgeour did not +enter his rooms. "A beautiful night," he said, rapturously. A cruel east +wind was blowing. He insisted that evening was the time for thinking, +and that east winds brace you up. Would I have a cigar? I would if he +asked me inside to smoke it. My friend sighed. "I thought I told you," +he said, "that I don't smoke in my chambers. It isn't the thing." Then +he explained, hesitatingly, that he hadn't given up smoking. "I come +down here," he said, "with my pipe, and walk up and down. I assure you +it is quite a new sensation, and I much prefer it to lolling in an +easy-chair." The poor fellow shivered as he spoke, and I noticed that +his great-coat was tightly buttoned up to the throat. He had a hacking +cough and his teeth were chattering. "Let us go in," I said; "I don't +want to smoke." He knocked the ashes out of his pipe, and opened his +door with an affectation of gayety. + +The room looked somewhat more home-like now, but it was very cold. +Scrymgeour had no fire yet. He had been told that the smoke would +blacken his moon. Besides, I question if he would have dared to remove +the fan from the fireplace without consulting a Japanese authority. He +did not even know whether the Japanese burned coal. I missed a number of +the articles of furniture that had graced his former rooms. The easels +were gone; there were none of the old canvases standing against the +wall, and he had exchanged his comfortable, plain old screen for one +with lizards crawling over it. "It would never have done," he explained, +"to spoil the room with English things, so I got in some more Japanese +furniture." + +I asked him if he had sold his canvases; whereupon he signed me +to follow him to the wine-bin. It was full of them. There were no +newspapers lying about; but Scrymgeour hoped to manage to take one in +by and by. He was only feeling his way at present, he said. In the dim +light shed by a Japanese lamp, I tripped over a rainbow-colored slipper +that tapered to the heel and turned up at the toe. "I wonder you can get +into these things," I whispered, for the place depressed me; and he +answered, with similar caution, that he couldn't. "I keep them lying +about," he said, confidentially; "but after I think nobody is likely +to call I put on an old pair of English ones." At this point the +housekeeper knocked at the door, and Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat +into a Japanese dressing-gown before he cried "Come in!" As I left I +asked him how he felt now, and he said that he had never been so happy +in his life. But his hand was hot, and he did not look me in the face. + +[Illustration] + +Nearly a month elapsed before I looked in again. The unfortunate man had +now a Japanese rug over his legs to keep out the cold, and he was gazing +dejectedly at an outlandish mess which he called his lunch. He insisted +that it was not at all bad; but it had evidently been on the table some +time when I called, and he had not even tasted it. He ordered coffee for +my benefit, but I do not care for coffee that has salt in it instead of +sugar. I said that I had merely looked in to ask him to an early dinner +at the club, and it was touching to see how he grasped at the idea. So +complete, however, was his subjection to that terrible housekeeper, who +believed in his fad, that he dared not send back her dishes untasted. +As a compromise I suggested that he could wrap up some of the stuff +in paper and drop it quietly into the gutter. We sallied forth, and +I found him so weak that he had to be assisted into a hansom. He still +maintained, however, that Japanese chambers were worth making some +sacrifice for; and when the other Arcadians saw his condition they had +the delicacy not to contradict him. They thought it was consumption. + +If we had not taken Scrymgeour in hand I dare not think what his craze +might have reduced him to. A friend asked him into the country for ten +days, and of course he was glad to go. As it happened, my chambers were +being repapered at the time, and Scrymgeour gave me permission to occupy +his rooms until his return. The other Arcadians agreed to meet me there +nightly, and they were indefatigable in their efforts to put the boudoir +to rights. Jimmy wrote letters to editors, of a most cutting nature, on +the moon, breaking the table as he stepped on and off it, and we gave +the butterflies to William John. The reptiles had to crawl off the door, +and we made pipe-lights of the Japanese fans. Marriot shot the candles +at the mice and birds; and Gilray, by improvising an entertainment +behind the blood-red curtains, contrived to give them the dilapidated +appearance without which there is no real comfort. In short, the boudoir +soon assumed such a homely aspect that Scrymgeour on his return did not +recognize it. When he realized where he was he lighted up at once. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XI. + +HIS WIFE'S CIGARS. + + +[Illustration] + +Though Pettigrew, who is a much more successful journalist than Jimmy, +says pointedly of his wife that she encourages his smoking instead of +putting an end to it, I happen to know that he has cupboard skeletons. +Pettigrew has been married for years, and frequently boasted of his +wife's interest in smoking, until one night an accident revealed the +true state of matters to me. Late in the night, when traffic is hushed +and the river has at last a chance of making itself heard, Pettigrew's +window opens cautiously, and he casts something wrapped in newspaper +into the night. The window is then softly closed, and all is again +quiet. At other times Pettigrew steals along the curb-stone, dropping his +skeletons one by one. Nevertheless, his cupboard beneath the bookcase is +so crammed that he dreams the lock has given way. The key is always in +his pocket, yet when his children approach the cupboard he orders them +away, so fearful is he of something happening. When his wife has retired +he sometimes unlocks the cupboard with nervous hand, when the door +bursts gladly open, and the things roll on to the carpet. They are the +cigars his wife gives him as birthday presents, on the anniversary of +his marriage, and at other times, and such a model wife is she that he +would do anything for her except smoke them. They are Celebros, Regalia +Rothschilds, twelve and six the hundred. I discovered Pettigrew's secret +one night, when, as I was passing his house, a packet of Celebros +alighted on my head. I demanded an explanation, and I got it on the +promise that I would not mention the matter to the other Arcadians. + +[Illustration] + +"Several years having elapsed," said Pettigrew, "since I pretended to +smoke and enjoy my first Celebro, I could not now undeceive my wife--it +would be such a blow to her. At the time it could have been done easily. +She began by making trial of a few. There were seven of them in an +envelope; and I knew at once that she had got them for a shilling. She +had heard me saying that eightpence is a sad price to pay for a cigar--I +prefer them at tenpence--and a few days afterward she produced her first +Celebros. Each of them had, and has, a gold ribbon round it, bearing the +legend, 'Non plus ultra.' She was shy and timid at that time, and I +thought it very brave of her to go into the shop herself and ask for +the Celebros, as advertised; so I thanked her warmly. When she saw me +slipping them into my pocket she looked disappointed, and said that she +would like to see me smoking one. My reply would have been that I never +cared to smoke in the open air, if she had not often seen me do so. +Besides, I wanted to please her very much; and if what I did was weak I +have been severely punished for it. The pocket into which I had thrust +the Celebros also contained my cigar-case; and with my hand in the +pocket I covertly felt for a Villar y Villar and squeezed it into the +envelope. This I then drew forth, took out the cigar, as distinguished +from the Celebros, and smoked it with unfeigned content. My wife watched +me eagerly, asking six or eight times how I liked it. From the way she +talked of fine rich bouquet and nutty flavor I gathered that she had +been in conversation with the tobacconist, and I told her the cigars +were excellent. Yes, they were as choice a brand as I had ever smoked. +She clapped her hands joyously at that, and said that if she had not +made up her mind never to do so she would tell me what they cost. Next +she asked me to guess the price; I answered eighty shillings a hundred; +and then she confessed that she got the seven for a shilling. On our way +home she made arch remarks about men who judged cigars simply by their +price. I laughed gayly in reply, begging her not to be too hard on me; +and I did not even feel uneasy when she remarked that of course I would +never buy those horridly expensive Villar y Villars again. When I left +her I gave the Celebros to an acquaintance against whom I had long had +a grudge--we have not spoken since--but I preserved the envelope as a +pretty keepsake. This, you see, happened shortly before our marriage. + +[Illustration] + +"I have had a consignment of Celebros every month or two since then, +and, dispose of them quietly as I may, they are accumulating in the +cupboard. I despise myself; but my guile was kindly meant at first, +and every thoughtful man will see the difficulties in the way of a +confession now. Who can say what might happen if I were to fling that +cupboard door open in presence of my wife? I smoke less than I used +to do; for if I were to buy my cigars by the box I could not get them +smuggled into the house. Besides, she would know--I don't say how, I +merely make the statement--that I had been buying cigars. So I get half +a dozen at a time. Perhaps you will sympathize with me when I say that +I have had to abandon my favorite brand. I cannot get Villar y Villars +that look like Celebros, and my wife is quicker in those matters than +she used to be. One day, for instance, she noticed that the cigars in +my case had not the gold ribbon round them, and I almost fancied she +became suspicious. I explained that the ribbon was perhaps a little +ostentatious; but she said it was an intimation of nutty flavor: and +now I take ribbons off the Celebros and put them on the other cigars. +The boxes in which the Celebros arrive have a picturesque design on the +lid and a good deal of lace frilling round the edge, and she likes to +have a box lying about. The top layer of that box is cigars in gold +ribbons, placed there by myself, and underneath are the Celebros. I +never get down to the Celebros. + +"For a long time my secret was locked in my breast as carefully as I +shall lock my next week's gift away in the cupboard, if I can find room +for it; but a few of my most intimate friends have an inkling of it now. +When my friends drop in I am compelled to push the Celebro box toward +them, and if they would simply take a cigar and ask no questions all +would be well; for, as I have said, there are cigars on the top. But +they spoil everything by remarking that they have not seen the brand +before. Should my wife not be present this is immaterial, for I have +long had a reputation of keeping good cigars. Then I merely remark that +it is a new brand; and they smoke, probably observing that it reminds +them of a Cabana, which is natural, seeing that it is a Cabana in +disguise. If my wife is present, however, she comes forward smiling, and +remarks, with a fond look in my direction, that they are her birthday +present to her Jack. Then they start back and say they always smoke +a pipe. These Celebros were making me a bad name among my friends, so +I have given a few of them to understand--I don't care to put it more +plainly--that if they will take a cigar from the top layer they will +find it all right. One of them, however, has a personal ill-will to me +because my wife told his wife that I preferred Celebro cigars at twelve +and six a hundred to any other. Now he is expected to smoke the same; +and he takes his revenge by ostentatiously offering me a Celebro when +I call on him." + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XII. + +GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT. + + +I charge Gilray's unreasonableness to his ignoble passion for +cigarettes; and the story of his flower-pot has therefore an obvious +moral. The want of dignity he displayed about that flower-pot, on his +return to London, would have made any one sorry for him. I had my own +work to look after, and really could not be tending his chrysanthemum +all day. After he came back, however, there was no reasoning with him, +and I admit that I never did water his plant, though always intending +to do so. + +The great mistake was in not leaving the flower-pot in charge of William +John. No doubt I readily promised to attend to it, but Gilray deceived +me by speaking as if the watering of a plant was the merest pastime. He +had to leave London for a short provincial tour, and, as I see now, took +advantage of my good nature. + +As Gilray had owned his flower-pot for several months, during which time +(I take him at his word) he had watered it daily, he must have known +he was misleading me. He said that you got into the way of watering +a flower-pot regularly just as you wind up your watch. That certainly +is not the case. I always wind up my watch, and I never watered the +flower-pot. Of course, if I had been living in Gilray's rooms with the +thing always before my eyes I might have done so. I proposed to take it +into my chambers at the time, but he would not hear of that. Why? How +Gilray came by this chrysanthemum I do not inquire; but whether, in the +circumstances, he should not have made a clean breast of it to me is +another matter. Undoubtedly it was an unusual thing to put a man to +the trouble of watering a chrysanthemum daily without giving him its +history. My own belief has always been that he got it in exchange for a +pair of boots and his old dressing-gown. He hints that it was a present; +but, as one who knows him well, I may say that he is the last person a +lady would be likely to give a chrysanthemum to. Besides, if he was so +proud of the plant he should have stayed at home and watered it himself. + +[Illustration] + +He says that I never meant to water it, which is not only a mistake, but +unkind. My plan was to run downstairs immediately after dinner every +evening and give it a thorough watering. One thing or another, however, +came in the way. I often remembered about the chrysanthemum while I was +in the office; but even Gilray could hardly have expected me to ask +leave of absence merely to run home and water his plant. You must draw +the line somewhere, even in a government office. When I reached home I +was tired, inclined to take things easily, and not at all in a proper +condition for watering flower-pots. Then Arcadians would drop in. I put +it to any sensible man or woman, could I have been expected to give up +my friends for the sake of a chrysanthemum? Again, it was my custom of +an evening, if not disturbed, to retire with my pipe into my cane chair, +and there pass the hours communing with great minds, or, when the mood +was on me, trifling with a novel. Often when I was in the middle of a +chapter Gilray's flower-pot stood up before my eyes crying for water. +He does not believe this, but it is the solemn truth. At those moments +it was touch and go, whether I watered his chrysanthemum or not. Where +I lost myself was in not hurrying to his rooms at once with a tumbler. +I said to myself that I would go when I had finished my pipe, but by that +time the flower-pot had escaped my memory. This may have been weakness; +all I know is that I should have saved myself much annoyance if I had +risen and watered the chrysanthemum there and then. But would it not +have been rather hard on me to have had to forsake my books for the sake +of Gilray's flowers and flower-pots and plants and things? What right +has a man to go and make a garden of his chambers? + +[Illustration] + +All the three weeks he was away, Gilray kept pestering me with letters +about his chrysanthemum. He seemed to have no faith in me--a detestable +thing in a man who calls himself your friend. I had promised to water +his flower-pot; and between friends a promise is surely sufficient. It +is not so, however, when Gilray is one of them. I soon hated the sight +of my name in his handwriting. It was not as if he had said outright +that he wrote entirely to know whether I was watering his plant. +His references to it were introduced with all the appearance of +afterthoughts. Often they took the form of postscripts: "By the way, +are you watering my chrysanthemum?" or, "The chrysanthemum ought to be +a beauty by this time;" or, "You must be quite an adept now at watering +plants." Gilray declares now that, in answer to one of these ingenious +epistles, I wrote to him saying that "I had just been watering his +chrysanthemum." My belief is that I did no such thing; or, if I did, +I meant to water it as soon as I had finished my letter. He has never +been able to bring this home to me, he says, because he burned my +correspondence. As if a business man would destroy such a letter. +It was yet more annoying when Gilray took to post-cards. To hear the +postman's knock and then discover, when you are expecting an important +communication, that it is only a post-card about a flower-pot--that is +really too bad. And then I consider that some of the post-cards bordered +upon insult. One of them said, "What about chrysanthemum?--reply at +once." This was just like Gilray's overbearing way; but I answered +politely, and so far as I knew, truthfully, "Chrysanthemum all right." + +Knowing that there was no explaining things to Gilray, I redoubled my +exertions to water his flower-pot as the day for his return drew near. +Once, indeed, when I rang for water, I could not for the life of me +remember what I wanted it for when it was brought. Had I had any +forethought I should have left the tumbler stand just as it was to +show it to Gilray on his return. But, unfortunately, William John had +misunderstood what I wanted the water for, and put a decanter down +beside it. Another time I was actually on the stair rushing to Gilray's +door, when I met the housekeeper, and, stopping to talk to her, lost +my opportunity again. To show how honestly anxious I was to fulfil +my promise, I need only add that I was several times awakened in the +watches of the night by a haunting consciousness that I had forgotten +to water Gilray's flower-pot. On these occasions I spared no trouble +to remember again in the morning. I reached out of bed to a chair and +turned it upside down, so that the sight of it when I rose might remind +me that I had something to do. With the same object I crossed the tongs +and poker on the floor. Gilray maintains that instead of playing "fool's +tricks" like these ("fool's tricks!") I should have got up and gone +at once to his rooms with my water-bottle. What? and disturbed my +neighbors? Besides, could I reasonably be expected to risk catching my +death of cold for the sake of a wretched chrysanthemum? One reads of men +doing such things for young ladies who seek lilies in dangerous ponds or +edelweiss on overhanging cliffs. But Gilray was not my sweetheart, nor, +I feel certain, any other person's. + +I come now to the day prior to Gilray's return. I had just reached the +office when I remembered about the chrysanthemum. It was my last chance. +If I watered it once I should be in a position to state that, whatever +condition it might be in, I had certainly been watering it. I jumped +into a hansom, told the cabby to drive to the inn, and twenty minutes +afterward had one hand on Gilray's door, while the other held the +largest water-can in the house. Opening the door I rushed in. The can +nearly fell from my hand. There was no flower-pot! I rang the bell. "Mr. +Gilray's chrysanthemum!" I cried. What do you think William John said? +He coolly told me that the plant was dead, and had been flung out days +ago. I went to the theatre that night to keep myself from thinking. All +next day I contrived to remain out of Gilray's sight. When we met he was +stiff and polite. He did not say a word about the chrysanthemum for a +week, and then it all came out with a rush. I let him talk. With the +servants flinging out the flower-pots faster than I could water them, +what more could I have done? A coolness between us was inevitable. This +I regretted, but my mind was made up on one point: I would never do +Gilray a favor again. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XIII. + +THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY. + + +[Illustration] + +Though Scrymgeour only painted in watercolors, I think--I never looked +at his pictures--he had one superb idea, which we often advised him to +carry out. When he first mentioned it the room became comparatively +animated, so much struck were we all, and we entreated him to retire to +Stratford for a few months, before beginning the picture. His idea was +to paint Shakespeare smoking his first pipe of the Arcadia Mixture. + +Many hundreds of volumes have been written about the glories of the +Elizabethan age, the sublime period in our history. Then were Englishmen +on fire to do immortal deeds. High aims and noble ambitions became their +birthright. There was nothing they could not or would not do for England. +Sailors put a girdle round the world. Every captain had a general's +capacity; every fighting-man could have been a captain. All the women, +from the queen downward, were heroines. Lofty statesmanship guided the +conduct of affairs, a sublime philosophy was in the air. The period of +great deeds was also the period of our richest literature. London was +swarming with poetic geniuses. Immortal dramatists wandered in couples +between stage doors and taverns. + +[Illustration] + +All this has been said many times; and we read these glowing outbursts +about the Elizabethan age as if to the beating of a drum. But why was +this period riper for magnificent deeds and noble literature than any +other in English history? We all know how the thinkers, historians, and +critics of yesterday and to-day answer that question; but our hearts and +brains tell us that they are astray. By an amazing oversight they have +said nothing of the Influence of Tobacco. The Elizabethan age might be +better named the beginning of the smoking era. No unprejudiced person +who has given thought to the subject can question the propriety of +dividing our history into two periods--the pre-smoking and the smoking. +When Raleigh, in honor of whom England should have changed its name, +introduced tobacco into this country, the glorious Elizabethan age +began. I am aware that those hateful persons called Original Researchers +now maintain that Raleigh was not the man; but to them I turn a deaf +ear. I know, I feel, that with the introduction of tobacco England woke +up from a long sleep. Suddenly a new zest had been given to life. The +glory of existence became a thing to speak of. Men who had hitherto only +concerned themselves with the narrow things of home put a pipe into +their mouths and became philosophers. Poets and dramatists smoked until +all ignoble ideas were driven from them, and into their place rushed +such high thoughts as the world had not known before. Petty jealousies +no longer had hold of statesmen, who smoked, and agreed to work together +for the public weal. Soldiers and sailors felt, when engaged with a +foreign foe, that they were fighting for their pipes. The whole country +was stirred by the ambition to live up to tobacco. Every one, in short, +had now a lofty ideal constantly before him. Two stories of the period, +never properly told hitherto, illustrate this. We all know that Gabriel +Harvey and Spenser lay in bed discussing English poetry and the forms +it ought to take. This was when tobacco was only known to a select few, +of whom Spenser, the friend of Raleigh, was doubtless one. That the +two friends smoked in bed I cannot doubt. Many poets have done the same +thing since. Then there is the beautiful Armada story. In a famous +Armada picture the English sailors are represented smoking; which makes +it all the more surprising that the story to which I refer has come +down to us in an incorrect form. According to the historians, when the +Armada hove in sight the English captains were playing at bowls. Instead +of rushing off to their ships on receipt of the news, they observed, +"Let us first finish our game." I cannot believe that this is what they +said. My conviction is that what was really said was, "Let us first +finish our pipes"--surely a far more impressive and memorable remark. + +[Illustration] + +This afternoon Marlowe's "Jew of Malta" was produced for the first +time; and of the two men who have just emerged from the Blackfriars +Theatre one is the creator of _Barabas_. A marvel to all the +"piperly make-plaies and make-bates," save one, is "famous Ned Alleyn;" +for when money comes to him he does not drink till it be done, and +already he is laying by to confound the ecclesiastics, who say hard +things of him, by founding Dulwich College. "Not Roscius nor AEsope," +said Tom Nash, who was probably in need of a crown at the time, "ever +performed more in action." A good fellow he is withal; for it is Ned who +gives the supper to-night at the "Globe," in honor of the new piece, if +he can get his friends together. The actor-manager shakes his head, for +Marlowe, who was to meet him here, must have been seduced into a tavern +by the way; but his companion, Robin Greene, is only wondering if that +is a bailiff at the corner. Robin of the "ruffianly haire," _utriusque +academiae artibus magister_, is nearing the end of his tether, and +might call to-night at shoemaker Islam's house near Dowgate, to tell +a certain "bigge, fat, lusty wench" to prepare his last bed and buy a +garland of bays. Ned must to the sign of the "Saba" in Gracious Street, +where Burbage and "honest gamesom Armin" are sure to be found; but +Greene durst not show himself in the street without Cutting Ball and +other choice ruffians as a body-guard. Ned is content to leave them +behind; for Robin has refused to be of the company to-night if that +"upstart Will" is invited too, and the actor is fond of Will. There is +no more useful man in the theatre, he has said to "Signior Kempino" +this very day, for touching up old plays; and Will is a plodding young +fellow, too, if not over-brilliant. + +Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern, picking out his men. There is an +ale-house in Sea-coal Lane--the same where lady-like George Peele was +found by the barber, who had subscribed an hour before for his decent +burial, "all alone with a peck of oysters"--and here Ned is detained an +unconscionable time. Just as he is leaving with Kempe and Cowley, Armin +and Will Shakespeare burst in with a cry for wine. It is Armin who gives +the orders, but his companion pays. They spy Alleyn, and Armin must tell +his news. He is the bearer of a challenge from some merry souls at the +"Saba" to the actor-manager; and Ned Alleyn turns white and red when he +hears it. Then he laughs a confident laugh, and accepts the bet. Some +theatre-goers, flushed with wine, have dared him to attempt certain +parts in which Bentley and Knell vastly please them. Ned is incredulous +that men should be so willing to fling away their money; yet here is +Will a witness, and Burbage is staying on at the "Saba" not to let the +challengers escape. + +The young man of twenty-four, at the White Horse in Friday Street, is +Tom Nash; and it is Peele who is swearing that he is a monstrous clever +fellow, and helping him to finish his wine. But Peele is glad to see Ned +and Cowley in the doorway, for Tom has a weakness for reading aloud the +good things from his own manuscripts. There is only one of the company +who is not now sick to death of Nash's satires on Martin Marprelate; and +perhaps even he has had enough of them, only he is as yet too obscure a +person to say so. That is Will; and Nash detains him for a moment just +to listen to his last words on the Marprelate controversy. Marprelate +now appears "with a wit worn into the socket, twingling and pinking like +the snuff of a candle; _quantum mutatus ab illo!_ how unlike the +knave he was before, not for malice but for sharpness. The hogshead was +even come to the hauncing, and nothing could be drawne from him but the +dregs." Will says it is very good; and Nash smiles to himself as he puts +the papers in his pockets and thinks vaguely that he might do something +for Will. Shakespeare is not a university man, and they say he held +horses at the doors of the Globe not long ago; but he knows a good thing +when he hears it. + +All this time Marlowe is at the Globe, wondering why the others are so +long in coming; but not wondering very much--for it is good wine they +give you at the Globe. Even before the feast is well begun Kit's eyes +are bloodshot and his hands unsteady. Death is already seeking for him +at a tavern in Deptford, and the last scene in a wild, brief life starts +up before us. A miserable ale-house, drunken words, the flash of a +knife, and a man of genius has received his death-blow. What an epitaph +for the greatest might-have-been in English literature: "Christopher +Marlowe, slain by a serving-man in a drunken brawl, aged twenty-nine!" +But by the time Shakespeare had reached his fortieth birthday every one +of his fellow-playwrights round that table had rushed to his death. + +The short stout gentleman who is fond of making jokes, and not +particular whom he confides them to, has heard another good story about +Tarleton. This is the low comedian Kempe, who stepped into the shoes of +flat-nosed, squinting Tarleton the other day, but never quite manages +to fill them. He whispers the tale across Will's back to Cowley, before +it is made common property; and little fancies, as he does so, that any +immortality he and his friend may gain will be owing to their having +played, before the end of the sixteenth century, the parts of _Dogberry_ +and _Verges_ in a comedy by Shakespeare, whom they are at present +rather in the habit of patronizing. The story is received with +boisterous laughter, for it suits the time and place. + +[Illustration] + +Peele is in the middle of a love-song when Kit stumbles across the room +to say a kind word to Shakespeare. That is a sign that George is not yet +so very tipsy; for he is a gallant and a squire of dames so long as he +is sober. There is not a maid in any tavern in Fleet Street who does not +think George Peele the properest man in London. And yet, Greene being +absent, scouring the street with Cutting Ball--whose sister is mother of +poor Fortunatus Greene--Peele is the most dissolute man in the Globe +to-night. There is a sad little daughter sitting up for him at home, and +she will have to sit wearily till morning. Marlowe's praises would sink +deeper into Will's heart if the author of the "Jew of Malta" were less +unsteady on his legs. And yet he takes Kit's words kindly, and is glad +to hear that "Titus Andronicus," produced the other day, pleases the man +whose praise is most worth having. Will Shakespeare looks up to Kit +Marlowe, and "Titus Andronicus" is the work of a young playwright who +has tried to write like Kit. Marlowe knows it, and he takes it as +something of a compliment, though he does not believe in imitation +himself. He would return now to his seat beside Ned Alleyn; but the +floor of the room is becoming unsteady, and Ned seems a long way off. +Besides, Shakespeare's cup would never require refilling if there were +not some one there to help him drink. + +[Illustration] + +The fun becomes fast and furious; and the landlord of the Globe puts +in an appearance, ostensibly to do his guests honor by serving them +himself. But he is fearful of how the rioting may end, and, if he +dared, he would turn Nash into the street. Tom is the only man there +whom the landlord--if that man had only been a Boswell--personally +dislikes; indeed, Nash is no great favorite even with his comrades. He +has a bitter tongue, and his heart is not to be mellowed by wine. The +table roars over his sallies, of which the landlord himself is dimly +conscious that he is the butt, and Kempe and Cowley wince under his +satire. Those excellent comedians fall out over a trifling difference +of opinion; and handsome Nash--he tells us himself that he was handsome, +so there can be no doubt about it--maintains that they should decide +the dispute by fist-cuffs without further loss of time. While Kempe and +Cowley threaten to break each other's heads--which, indeed, would be +no great matter if they did it quietly--Burbage is reciting vehemently, +with no one heeding him; and Marlowe insists on quarrelling with Armin +about the existence of a Deity. For when Kit is drunk he is an infidel. +Armin will not quarrel with anybody, and Marlowe is exasperated. + +[Illustration] + +But where is Shakespeare all this time? He has retired to a side table +with Alleyn, who has another historical play that requires altering. +Their conversation is of comparatively little importance; what we are +to note with bated breath is that Will is filling a pipe. His face is +placid, for he does not know that the tobacco Ned is handing him is the +Arcadia Mixture. I love Ned Alleyn, and like to think that Shakespeare +got the Arcadia from him. + +For a moment let us turn from Shakespeare at this crisis in his life. +Alleyn has left him and is paying the score. Marlowe remains where he +fell. Nash has forgotten where he lodges, and so sets off with Peele to +an ale-house in Pye Corner, where George is only too well known. Kempe +and Cowley are sent home in baskets. + +Again we turn to the figure in the corner, and there is such a light on +his face that we shade our eyes. He is smoking the Arcadia, and as he +smokes the tragedy of Hamlet takes form in his brain. + +This is the picture that Scrymgeour will never dare to paint. I know +that there is no mention of tobacco in Shakespeare's plays, but those +who smoke the Arcadia tell their secret to none, and of other mixtures +they scorn to speak. + + + + +CHAPTER XIV. + +MY BROTHER HENRY. + + +[Illustration] + +Strictly speaking I never had a brother Henry, and yet I cannot say that +Henry was an impostor. He came into existence in a curious way, and I +can think of him now without malice as a child of smoke. The first I +heard of Henry was at Pettigrew's house, which is in a London suburb, +so conveniently situated that I can go there and back in one day. I was +testing some new Cabanas, I remember, when Pettigrew remarked that he +had been lunching with a man who knew my brother Henry. Not having any +brother but Alexander, I felt that Pettigrew had mistaken the name. +"Oh, no," Pettigrew said; "he spoke of Alexander too." Even this did not +convince me, and I asked my host for his friend's name. Scudamour was +the name of the man, and he had met my brothers Alexander and Henry +years before in Paris. Then I remembered Scudamour, and I probably +frowned, for I myself was my own brother Henry. I distinctly recalled +Scudamour meeting Alexander and me in Paris, and calling me Henry, +though my name begins with a J. I explained the mistake to Pettigrew, +and here, for the time being, the matter rested. However, I had by no +means heard the last of Henry. + +[Illustration] + +Several times afterward I heard from various persons that Scudamour +wanted to meet me because he knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet, +in Jimmy's chambers; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked +where Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who +always looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who +retain their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is +the curse of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass +for twenty; and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when +I said a good thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There +was, therefore, nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark, that, when he +had the pleasure of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age +that I had now reached. All would have been well had I explained the +real state of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for +myself, I loathe entering upon explanations to anybody about anything. +This it is to smoke the Arcadia. When I ring for a time-table and +William John brings coals instead, I accept the coals as a substitute. +Much, then, did I dread a discussion with Scudamour, his surprise when +he heard that I was Henry, and his comments on my youthful appearance. +Besides, I was smoking the best of all mixtures. There was no likelihood +of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get rid of him +seemed to be to humor him. I therefore told him that Henry was in India, +married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you write to him," +was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening. + +[Illustration] + +A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street. +It was Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by +the last mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not +do to say that there was nothing particular in a letter which had come +all the way from India, so I hinted that Henry was having trouble with +his wife. By this I meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in +another way, and I did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his +head sagaciously; "I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!" +was all I could think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour +asked. "Oh, the children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind, +"are coming to England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked. My answer +was that Alexander was expecting them by the middle of next month; and +eventually Scudamour went away muttering, "Poor Henry!" In a month or so +we met again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of absence?" asked +Scudamour. I replied shortly that Henry had gone to live in Bombay, and +would not be home for years. He saw that I was brusque, so what does he +do but draw me aside for a quiet explanation. "I suppose," he said, +"you are annoyed because I told Pettigrew that Henry's wife had run away +from him. The fact is, I did it for your good. You see, I happened to +make a remark to Pettigrew about your brother Henry, and he said that +there was no such person. Of course I laughed at that, and pointed out +not only that I had the pleasure of Henry's acquaintance, but that +you and I had talked about the old fellow every time we met. 'Well,' +Pettigrew said, 'this is a most remarkable thing; for he,' meaning +you, 'said to me in this very room, sitting in that very chair, that +Alexander was his only brother.' I saw that Pettigrew resented your +concealing the existence of your brother Henry from him, so I thought +the most friendly thing I could do was to tell him that your reticence +was doubtless due to the unhappy state of poor Henry's private affairs. +Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to talk about Henry." I +shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that he had acted judiciously; +but if I could have stabbed him in the back at that moment I dare say +I would have done it. + +I did not see Scudamour again for a long time, for I took care to keep +out of his way; but I heard first from him and then of him. One day he +wrote to me saying that his nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be +so good as to give the youth an introduction to my brother Henry? He +also asked me to dine with him and his nephew. I declined the dinner, +but I sent the nephew the required note of introduction to Henry. +The next I heard of Scudamour was from Pettigrew. "By the way," said +Pettigrew, "Scudamour is in Edinburgh at present." I trembled, for +Edinburgh is where Alexander lives. "What has taken him there?" I +asked, with assumed carelessness. Pettigrew believed it was business; +"but," he added, "Scudamour asked me to tell you that he meant to call +on Alexander, as he was anxious to see Henry's children." A few days +afterward I had a telegram from Alexander, who generally uses this means +of communication when he corresponds with me. + +"Do you know a man, Scudamour? Reply," was what Alexander said. I +thought of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were +in Paris; but after consideration, I replied boldly: "Know no one of +name of Scudamour." + +About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street, and he scowled +at me. This I could have borne if there had been no more of Henry; but I +knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody about Henry's wife. + +By and by I got a letter from an old friend of Alexander's asking me +if there was any truth in a report that Alexander was going to Bombay. +Soon afterward Alexander wrote to me saying he had been told by several +persons that I was going to Bombay. In short, I saw that the time had +come for killing Henry. So I told Pettigrew that Henry had died of +fever, deeply regretted; and asked him to be sure to tell Scudamour, +who had always been interested in the deceased's welfare. Pettigrew +afterward told me that he had communicated the sad intelligence to +Scudamour. "How did he take it?" I asked. "Well," Pettigrew said, +reluctantly, "he told me that when he was up in Edinburgh he did not get +on well with Alexander. But he expressed great curiosity as to Henry's +children." "Ah," I said, "the children were both drowned in the Forth; a +sad affair--we can't bear to talk of it." I am not likely to see much of +Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. Scudamour now goes about saying that +Henry was the only one of us he really liked. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XV. + +HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA." + + +Scrymgeour had a house-boat called, of course, the _Arcadia_, to +which he was so ill-advised as to invite us all at once. He was at that +time lying near Cookham, attempting to catch the advent of summer on a +canvas, and we were all, unhappily, able to accept his invitation. +Looking back to this nightmare of a holiday, I am puzzled at our not +getting on well together, for who should be happy in a house-boat if not +five bachelors, well known to each other, and all smokers of the same +tobacco? Marriot says now that perhaps we were happy without knowing it; +but that is nonsense. We were miserable. + +I have concluded that we knew each other too well. Though accustomed to +gather together in my rooms of an evening in London, we had each his +private chambers to retire to, but in the _Arcadia_ solitude was +impossible. There was no escaping from each other. + +[Illustration] + +Scrymgeour, I think, said that we were unhappy because each of us acted +as if the house-boat was his own. We retorted that the boy--by no means +a William John--was at the bottom of our troubles, and then Scrymgeour +said that he had always been against having a boy. We had been opposed +to a boy at first, too, fancying that we should enjoy doing our own +cooking. Seeing that there were so many of us, this should not have +been difficult, but the kitchen was small, and we were always striking +against each other and knocking things over. We had to break a +window-pane to let the smoke out; then Gilray, in kicking the stove +because he had burned his fingers on it, upset the thing, and, before +we had time to intervene, a leg of mutton jumped out and darted into the +coal-bunk. Jimmy foolishly placed our six tumblers on the window-sill to +dry, and a gust of wind toppled them into the river. The draughts were a +nuisance. This was owing to windows facing each other being left open, +and as a result articles of clothing disappeared so mysteriously that we +thought there must be a thief or a somnambulist on board. The third or +fourth day, however, going into the saloon unexpectedly, I caught my +straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind. When last seen it was +on its way to Maidenhead, bowling along at the rate of several miles +an hour. So we thought it would be as well to have a boy. As far as I +remember, this was the only point unanimously agreed upon during the +whole time we were aboard. They told us at the Ferry Hotel that boys +were rather difficult to get in Cookham; but we instituted a vigorous +house-to-house search, and at last we ran a boy to earth and carried +him off. + +It was most unfortunate for all concerned that the boy did not sleep +on board. There was, however, no room for him; so he came at seven in +the morning, and retired when his labors were over for the day. I say +he came; but in point of fact that was the difficulty with the boy. He +couldn't come. He came as far as he could: that is to say, he walked up +the tow-path until he was opposite the house-boat, and then he hallooed +to be taken on board, whereupon some one had to go in the dingy for him. +All the time we were in the house-boat that boy was never five minutes +late. Wet or fine, calm or rough, 7 A.M. found the boy on the tow-path +hallooing. No sooner were we asleep than the dewy morn was made hideous +by the boy. Lying in bed with the blankets over our heads to deaden his +cries, his fresh, lusty young voice pierced wood-work, blankets, sheets, +everything. "Ya-ho, ahoy, ya-ho, aho, ahoy!" So he kept it up. What +followed may easily be guessed. We all lay as silent as the grave, each +waiting for some one else to rise and bring the impatient lad across. +At last the stillness would be broken by some one's yelling out that he +would do for that boy. A second would mutter horribly in his sleep; a +third would make himself a favorite for the moment by shouting through +the wooden partition that it was the fifth's turn this morning. The +fifth would tell us where he would see the boy before he went across for +him. Then there would be silence again. Eventually some one would put an +ulster over his night-shirt, and sternly announce his intention of going +over and taking the boy's life. Hearing this, the others at once dropped +off to sleep. For a few days we managed to trick the boy by pulling up +our blinds and so conveying to his mind the impression that we were +getting up. Then he had not our breakfast ready when we did get up, +which naturally enraged us. + +As soon as he got on board that boy made his presence felt. He was very +strong and energetic in the morning, and spent the first half-hour or so +in flinging coals at each other. This was his way of breaking them; and +he was by nature so patient and humble that he rather flattered himself +when a coal broke at the twentieth attempt. We used to dream that he was +breaking coals on our heads. Often one of us dashed into the kitchen, +threatening to drop him into the river if he did not sit quite still +on a chair for the next two hours. Under these threats he looked +sufficiently scared to satisfy anybody; but as soon as all was quiet +again he crept back to the coal-bunk and was at his old games. + +[Illustration] + +It didn't matter what we did, the boy put a stop to it. We tried whist, +and in ten minutes there was a "Hoy, hie, ya-ho!" from the opposite +shore. It was the boy come back with the vegetables. If we were reading, +"Ya-ho, hie!" and some one had to cross for that boy and the water-can. +The boy was on the tow-path just when we had fallen into a snooze; he had +to be taken across for the milk immediately we had lighted our pipes. On +the whole, it is an open question whether it was not even more annoying +to take him over than to go for him. Two or three times we tried to be +sociable and went into the village together; but no sooner had we begun +to enjoy ourselves than we remembered that we must go back and let the +boy ashore. Tennyson speaks of a company making believe to be merry +while all the time the spirit of a departed one haunted them in their +play. That was exactly the effect of the boy on us. + +Even without the boy I hardly think we should have been a sociable +party. The sight of so much humanity gathered in one room became a +nuisance. We resorted to all kinds of subterfuge to escape from each +other; and the one who finished breakfast first generally managed to +make off with the dingy. The others were then at liberty to view him in +the distance, in midstream, lying on his back in the bottom of the boat; +and it was almost more than we could stand. The only way to bring him +back was to bribe the boy into saying that he wanted to go across to the +village for bacon or black lead or sardines. Thus even the boy had his +uses. + +Things gradually got worse and worse. I remember only one day when +as many as four of us were on speaking terms. Even this temporary +sociability was only brought about in order that we might combine and +fall upon Jimmy with the more crushing force. Jimmy had put us in an +article, representing himself as a kind of superior person who was +making a study of us. The thing was such a gross caricature, and so +dull, that it was Jimmy we were sorry for rather than ourselves. Still, +we gathered round him in a body and told him what we thought of the +matter. Affairs might have gone more smoothly after this if we four had +been able to hold together. Unfortunately, Jimmy won Marriot over, and +next day there was a row all round, which resulted in our division into +five parties. + +One day Pettigrew visited us. He brought his Gladstone bag with him, but +did not stay over night. He was glad to go; for at first none of us, I +am afraid, was very civil to him, though we afterward thawed a little. +He returned to London and told every one how he found us. I admit we +were not prepared to receive company. The house-boat consisted of five +apartments--a saloon, three bedrooms, and a kitchen. When he boarded us +we were distributed as follows: I sat smoking in the saloon, Marriot sat +smoking in the first bedroom, Gilray in the second, Jimmy in the third, +and Scrymgeour in the kitchen. The boy did not keep Scrymgeour company. +He had been ordered on deck, where he sat with his legs crossed, the +picture of misery because he had no coals to break. A few days after +Pettigrew's visit we followed him to London, leaving Scrymgeour behind, +where we soon became friendly again. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XVI. + +THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN. + + +[Illustration] + +One day, some weeks after we left Scrymgeour's house-boat, I was +alone in my rooms, very busy smoking, when William John entered with +a telegram. It was from Scrymgeour, and said, "You have got me into +a dreadful mess. Come down here first train." + +Wondering what mess I could have got Scrymgeour into, I good-naturedly +obeyed his summons, and soon I was smoking placidly on the deck of the +house-boat, while Scrymgeour, sullen and nervous, tramped back and +forward. I saw quickly that the only tobacco had something to do with +his troubles, for he began by announcing that one evening soon after +we left him he found that we had smoked all his Arcadia. He would have +dispatched the boy to London for it, but the boy had been all day in the +village buying a loaf, and would not be back for hours. Cookham cigars +Scrymgeour could not smoke; cigarettes he only endured if made from the +Arcadia. + +At Cookham he could only get tobacco that made him uncomfortable. Having +recently begun to use a new pouch, he searched his pockets in vain for +odd shreds of the Mixture to which he had so contemptibly become a +slave. In a very bad temper he took to his dingy, vowing for a little +while that he would violently break the chains that bound him to one +tobacco, and afterward, when he was restored to his senses that he would +jilt the Arcadia gradually. He had pulled some distance down the river, +without regarding the Cliveden Woods, when he all but ran into a blaze +of Chinese lanterns. It was a house-boat called--let us change its name +to the _Heathen Chinee_. Staying his dingy with a jerk, Scrymgeour +looked up, when a wonderful sight met his eyes. On the open window of an +apparently empty saloon stood a round tin of tobacco, marked "Arcadia +Mixture." + +[Illustration] + +Scrymgeour sat gaping. The only sound to be heard, except a soft splash +of water under the house-boat, came from the kitchen, where a servant +was breaking crockery for supper. The romantic figure in the dingy +stretched out his hand and then drew it back, remembering that there was +a law against this sort of thing. He thought to himself, "If I were to +wait until the owner returns, no doubt a man who smokes the Arcadia +would feel for me." Then his fatal horror of explanations whispered to +him, "The owner may be a stupid, garrulous fellow who will detain you +here half the night explaining your situation." Scrymgeour, I want to +impress upon the reader, was, like myself, the sort of a man who, if +asked whether he did not think "In Memoriam" Mr. Browning's greatest +poem, would say Yes, as the easiest way of ending the conversation. +Obviously he would save himself trouble by simply annexing the tin. +He seized it and rowed off. + +Smokers, who know how tobacco develops the finer feelings, hardly +require to be told what happened next. Suddenly Scrymgeour remembered +that he was probably leaving the owner of the _Heathen Chinee_ +without any Arcadia Mixture. He at once filled his pouch, and, pulling +softly back to the house-boat, replaced the tin on the window, his bosom +swelling with the pride of those who give presents. At the same moment a +hand gripped him by the neck, and a girl, somewhere on deck, screamed. + +Scrymgeour's captor, who was no other than the owner of the _Heathen +Chinee_, dragged him fiercely into the house-boat and stormed at him +for five minutes. My friend shuddered as he thought of the explanations +to come when he was allowed to speak, and gradually he realized that he +had been mistaken for someone else--apparently for some young blade who +had been carrying on a clandestine flirtation with the old gentleman's +daughter. It will take an hour, thought Scrymgeour, to convince him that +I am not that person, and another hour to explain why I am really here. +Then the weak creature had an idea: "Might not the simplest plan be to +say that his surmises are correct, promise to give his daughter up, and +row away as quickly as possible?" He began to wonder if the girl was +pretty; but saw it would hardly do to say that he reserved his defence +until he could see her. + +"I admit," he said, at last, "that I admire your daughter; but she +spurned my advances, and we parted yesterday forever." + +"Yesterday!" + +"Or was it the day before?" + +"Why, sir, I have caught you red-handed!" + +"This is an accident," Scrymgeour explained, "and I promise never to +speak to her again." Then he added, as an after-thought, "however +painful that may be to me." + +Before Scrymgeour returned to his dingy he had been told that he would +be drowned if he came near that house-boat again. As he sculled away he +had a glimpse of the flirting daughter, whom he described to me briefly +as being of such engaging appearance that six yards was a trying +distance to be away from her. + +"Here," thought Scrymgeour that night over a pipe of the Mixture, "the +affair ends; though I dare say the young lady will call me terrible +names when she hears that I have personated her lover. I must take care +to avoid the father now, for he will feel that I have been following +him. Perhaps I should have made a clean breast of it; but I do loathe +explanations." + +[Illustration] + +Two days afterward Scrymgeour passed the father and daughter on the +river. The lady said "Thank you" to him with her eyes, and, still more +remarkable, the old gentleman bowed. + +Scrymgeour thought it over. "She is grateful to me," he concluded, "for +drawing away suspicion from the other man, but what can have made the +father so amiable? Suppose she has not told him that I am an impostor, +he should still look upon me as a villain; and if she has told him, he +should be still more furious. It is curious, but no affair of mine." +Three times within the next few days he encountered the lady on the +tow-path or elsewhere with a young gentleman of empty countenance, who, +he saw must be the real Lothario. Once they passed him when he was in +the shadow of a tree, and the lady was making pretty faces with a +cigarette in her mouth. The house-boat _Heathen Chinee_ lay but a +short distance off, and Scrymgeour could see the owner gazing after his +daughter placidly, a pipe between his lips. + +[Illustration] + +"He must be approving of her conduct now," was my friend's natural +conclusion. Then one forenoon Scrymgeour travelled to town in the same +compartment as the old gentleman, who was exceedingly frank, and made +sly remarks about romantic young people who met by stealth when there +was no reason why they should not meet openly. "What does he mean?" +Scrymgeour asked himself, uneasily. He saw terribly elaborate +explanations gathering and shrank from them. + +Then Scrymgeour was one day out in a punt, when he encountered the old +gentleman in a canoe. The old man said, purple with passion, that he +was on his way to pay Mr. Scrymgeour a business visit. "Oh, yes," he +continued, "I know who you are; if I had not discovered you were a man +of means I would not have let the thing go on, and now I insist on an +explanation." + +Explanations! + +They made for Scrymgeour's house-boat, with almost no words on the young +man's part; but the father blurted out several things--as that his +daughter knew where he was going when he left the _Heathen Chinee_, +and that he had an hour before seen Scrymgeour making love to another +girl. + +"Don't deny it!" cried the indignant father; "I recognized you by your +velvet coat and broad hat." + +Then Scrymgeour began to see more clearly. The girl had encouraged +the deception, and had been allowed to meet her lover because he was +supposed to be no adventurer but the wealthy Mr. Scrymgeour. She must +have told the fellow to get a coat and hat like his to help the plot. +At the time the artist only saw all this in a jumble. + +Scrymgeour had bravely resolved to explain everything now; but his +bewilderment may be conceived when, on entering his saloon with the +lady's father, the first thing they saw was the lady herself. The old +gentleman gasped, and his daughter looked at Scrymgeour imploringly. + +"Now," said the father fiercely, "explain." + +The lady's tears became her vastly. Hardly knowing what he did, +Scrymgeour put his arm around her. + +"Well, go on," I said, when at this point Scrymgeour stopped. + +"There is no more to tell," he replied; "you see the girl allowed me +to--well, protect her--and--and the old gentleman thinks we are +engaged." + +"I don't wonder. What does the lady say?" + +"She says that she ran along the bank and got into my house-boat by the +plank, meaning to see me before her father arrived and to entreat me to +run away." + +"With her?" + +"No, without her." + +"But what does she say about explaining matters to her father?" + +"She says she dare not, and as for me, I could not. That was why I +telegraphed to you." + + +"You want me to be intercessor? No, Scrymgeour; your only honorable +course is marriage." + +"But you must help me. It is all your fault, teaching me to like the +Arcadia Mixture." + +I thought this so impudent of Scrymgeour that I bade him good-night at +once. All the men on the stair are still confident that he would have +married her, had the lady not cut the knot by eloping with Scrymgeour's +double. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XVII. + +THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER. + + +[Illustration] + +We continued to visit the _Arcadia_, though only one at a time now, +and Gilray, who went most frequently, also remained longest. In other +words, he was in love again, and this time she lived at Cookham. +Marriot's love affairs I pushed from me with a wave of my pipe, but +Gilray's second case was serious. + +In time, however, he returned to the Arcadia Mixture, though not until +the house-boat was in its winter quarters. I witnessed his complete +recovery, the scene being his chambers. Really it is rather a pathetic +story, and so I give the telling of it to a rose, which the lady once +presented to Gilray. Conceive the rose lying, as I saw it, on Gilray's +hearth-rug, and then imagine it whispering as follows: + +"A wire was round me that white night on the river when she let him take +me from her. Then I hated the wire. Alas! hear the end. + +"My moments are numbered; and if I would expose him with my dying sigh, +I must not sentimentalize over my own decay. They were in a punt, her +hand trailing in the water, when I became his. When they parted that +night at Cookham Lock, he held her head in his hands, and they gazed in +each other's eyes. Then he turned away quickly; when he reached the punt +again he was whistling. Several times before we came to the house-boat +in which he and another man lived, he felt in his pocket to make sure +that I was still there. At the house-boat he put me in a tumbler of +water out of sight of his friend, and frequently he stole to the spot +like a thief to look at me. Early next morning he put me in his +buttonhole, calling me sweet names. When his friend saw me, he too +whistled, but not in the same way. Then my owner glared at him. This +happened many months ago. + +[Illustration] + +"Next evening I was in a garden that slopes to the river. I was on his +breast, and so for a moment was she. His voice was so soft and low as +he said to her the words he had said to me the night before, that I +slumbered in a dream. When I awoke suddenly he was raging at her, and +she cried. I know not why they quarrelled so quickly, but it was about +some one whom he called 'that fellow,' while she called him a 'friend of +papa's.' He looked at her for a long time again, and then said coldly +that he wished her a very good-evening. She bowed and went toward a +house, humming a merry air, while he pretended to light a cigarette made +from a tobacco of which he was very fond. Till very late that night I +heard him walking up and down the deck of the house-boat, his friend +shouting to him not to be an ass. Me he had flung fiercely on the floor +of the house-boat. About midnight he came downstairs, his face white, +and, snatching me up, put me in his pocket. Again we went into the punt, +and he pushed it within sight of the garden. There he pulled in his pole +and lay groaning in the punt, letting it drift, while he called her his +beloved and a little devil. Suddenly he took me from his pocket, kissed +me, and cast me down from him into the night. I fell among reeds, head +downward; and there I lay all through the cold, horrid night. The gray +morning came at last, then the sun, and a boat now and again. I thought +I had found my grave, when I saw his punt coming toward the reeds. He +searched everywhere for me, and at last he found me. So delighted and +affectionate was he that I forgave him my sufferings, only I was jealous +of a letter in his other pocket, which he read over many times, +murmuring that it explained everything. + +"Her I never saw again, but I heard her voice. He kept me now in a +leather case in an inner pocket, where I was squeezed very flat. What +they said to each other I could not catch; but I understood afterward, +for he always repeated to me what he had been saying to her, and many +times he was loving, many times angry, like a bad man. At last came a +day when he had a letter from her containing many things he had given +her, among them a ring on which she had seemed to set great store. +What it all meant I never rightly knew, but he flung the ring into +the Thames, calling her all the old wicked names and some new ones. +I remember how we rushed to her house, along the bank this time, and +that she asked him to be her brother; but he screamed denunciations at +her, again speaking of 'that fellow,' and saying that he was going +to-morrow to Manitoba. + +"So far as I know, they saw each other no more. He walked on the deck +so much now that his friend went back to London, saying he could get +no sleep. Sometimes we took long walks alone; often we sat for hours +looking at the river, for on those occasions he would take me out of the +leather case and put me on his knee. One day his friend came back and +told him that he would soon get over it, he himself having once had +a similar experience; but my master said no one had ever loved as he +loved, and muttered 'Vixi, vixi' to himself till the other told him not +to be a fool, but to come to the hotel and have something to eat. Over +this they quarrelled, my master hinting that he would eat no more; but +he ate heartily after his friend was gone. + +"After a time we left the house-boat, and were in chambers in a great +inn. I was still in his pocket, and heard many conversations between him +and people who came to see him, and he would tell them that he loathed +the society of women. When they told him, as one or two did, that they +were in love, he always said that he had gone through that stage ages +ago. Still, at nights he would take me out of my case, when he was +alone, and look at me; after which he walked up and down the room in +an agitated manner and cried 'Vixi.' + +"By and by he left me in a coat that he was no longer wearing. Before +this he had always put me into whatever coat he had on. I lay neglected, +I think, for a month, until one day he felt the pockets of the coat for +something else, and pulled me out. I don't think he remembered what was +in the leather case at first; but as he looked at me his face filled +with sentiment, and next day he took me with him to Cookham. The winter +was come, and it was a cold day. There were no boats on the river. He +walked up the bank to the garden where was the house in which she had +lived; but the place was now deserted. On the garden gate he sat down, +taking me from his pocket; and here, I think, he meant to recall the +days that were dead. But a cold, piercing wind was blowing, and many +times he looked at his watch, putting it to his ear as if he thought it +had stopped. After a little he took to flinging stones into the water, +for something to do; and then he went to the hotel and stayed there +till he got a train back to London. We were home many hours before he +meant to be back, and that night he went to a theatre. + +"That was my last day in the leather case. He keeps something else in +it now. He flung me among old papers, smoking-caps, slippers, and other +odds and ends into a box, where I have remained until to-night. A month +or more ago he rummaged in the box for some old letters, and coming upon +me unexpectedly, he jagged his finger on the wire. 'Where on earth did +you come from?' he asked me. Then he remembered, and flung me back among +the papers with a laugh. Now we come to to-night. An hour ago I heard +him blowing down something, then stamping his feet. From his words I +knew that his pipe was stopped. I heard him ring a bell and ask angrily +who had gone off with his pipe-cleaners. He bustled through the room +looking for them or for a substitute, and after a time he cried aloud, +'I have it; that would do; but where was it I saw the thing last?' He +pulled out several drawers, looked through his desk, and then opened the +box in which I lay. He tumbled its contents over until he found me, and +then he pulled me out, exclaiming, 'Eureka!' My heart sank, for I +understood all as I fell leaf by leaf on the hearth-rug where I now lie. +He took the wire off me and used it to clean his pipe." + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XVIII. + +WHAT COULD HE DO? + + +This was another of Marriot's perplexities of the heart. He had been on +the Continent, and I knew from his face, the moment he returned, that I +would have a night of him. + +[Illustration] + +"On the 4th of September," he began, playing agitatedly with my +tobacco-pouch, which was not for hands like his, "I had walked from +Spondinig to Franzenshohe, which is a Tyrolese inn near the top of +Stelvio Pass. From the inn to a very fine glacier is only a stroll of a +few minutes; but the path is broken by a roaring stream. The only bridge +across this stream is a plank, which seemed to give way as I put my foot +on it. I drew back, for the stream would be called one long waterfall in +England. Though a passionate admirer of courage, I easily lose my head +myself, and I did not dare to venture across the plank. I walked up the +stream, looking in vain for another crossing, and finally sat down on a +wilderness of stones, from which I happened to have a good view of the +plank. In parties of two and three a number of tourists strolled down +the path; but they were all afraid to cross the bridge. I saw them test +it with their alpenstocks; but none would put more than one foot on it. +They gathered there at their wit's end. Suddenly I saw that there was +some one on the plank. It was a young lady. I stood up and gazed. She +was perhaps a hundred yards away from me; but I could distinctly make +out her swaying, girlish figure, her deer-stalker cap, and the ends of +her boa (as, I think, those long, furry things are called) floating in +the wind. In a moment she was safe on the other side; but on the middle +of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand to some of her more timid +friends, and it was then that I fell in love with her. No doubt it was +the very place for romance, if one was sufficiently clad; but I am not +'susceptible,' as it is called, and I had never loved before. On the +other hand, I was always a firm believer in love at first sight, which, +as you will see immediately, is at the very root of my present +sufferings. + +"The other tourists, their fears allayed, now crossed the plank, but I +hurried away anywhere; and found myself an hour afterward on a hillside, +surrounded by tinkling cows. All that time I had been thinking of a +plank with a girl on it. I returned hastily to the inn, to hear that +the heroine of the bridge and her friends had already driven off up the +pass. My intention had been to stay at Franzenshohe over night, but of +course I at once followed the line of carriages which could be seen +crawling up the winding road. It was no difficult matter to overtake +them, and in half an hour I was within a few yards of the hindmost +carriage. It contained her of whom I was in pursuit. Her back was +toward me, but I recognized the cap and the boa. I confess that I was +nervous about her face, which I had not yet seen. So often had I been +disappointed in ladies when they showed their faces, that I muttered +Jimmy's aphorism to myself: 'The saddest thing in life is that most +women look best from the back.' But when she looked round all anxiety +was dispelled. So far as your advice is concerned, it cannot matter +to you what she was like. Briefly, she was charming. + +"I am naturally shy, and so had more difficulty in making her +acquaintance than many travellers would have had. It was at the baths of +Bormio that we came together. I had bribed a waiter to seat me next her +father at dinner; but, when the time came, I could say nothing to him, +so anxious was I to create a favorable impression. In the evening, +however, I found the family gathered round a pole, with skittles at the +foot of it. They were wondering how Italian skittles was played, and, +though I had no idea, I volunteered to teach them. Fortunately none of +them understood Italian, and consequently the expostulations of the boy +in charge were disregarded. It is not my intention to dwell upon the +never-to-be-forgotten days--ah, and still more the evenings--we spent +at the baths of Bormio. I had loved her as she crossed the plank; but +daily now had I more cause to love her, and it was at Bormio that she +learned--I say it with all humility--to love me. The seat in the garden +on which I proposed is doubtless still to be seen, with the chair near +it on which her papa was at that very moment sitting, with one of his +feet on a small table. During the three sunny days that followed, my +life was one delicious dream, with no sign that the awakening was at +hand. + +"So far I had not mentioned the incident at Franzenshohe to her. Perhaps +you will call my reticence contemptible; but the fact is, I feared to +fall in her esteem. I could not have spoken of the plank without +admitting that I was afraid to cross it; and then what would she, who +was a heroine, think of a man who was so little of a hero? Thus, though +I had told her many times that I fell in love with her at first sight, +she thought I referred to the time when she first saw me. She liked to +hear me say that I believed in no love but love at first sight; and, +looking back, I can recall saying it at least once on every seat in the +garden at the baths of Bormio. + +"Do you know Tirano, a hamlet in a nest of vines, where Italian soldiers +strut and women sleep in the sun beside baskets of fruit? How happily we +entered it; were we the same persons who left it within an hour? I was +now travelling with her party; and at Tirano, while the others rested, +she and I walked down a road between vines and Indian corn. Why I should +then have told her that I loved her for a whole day before she saw me +I cannot tell. It may have been something she said, perhaps only an +irresistible movement of her head; for her grace was ever taking me by +surprise, and she was a revelation a thousand times a day. But whatever +it was that made me speak out, I suddenly told her that I fell in love +with her as she stood upon the plank at Franzenshohe. I remember her +stopping short at a point where there had probably once been a gate to +the vineyard, and I thought she was angry with me for not having told +her of the Franzenshohe incident before. Soon the pallor of her face +alarmed me. She entreated me to say it was not at Franzenshohe that I +first loved her, and I fancied she was afraid lest her behavior on the +bridge had seemed a little bold. I told her it was divine, and pictured +the scene as only an anxious lover could do. Then she burst into tears, +and we went back silently to her relatives. She would not say a word +to me. + +[Illustration] + +"We drove to Sondrio, and before we reached it I dare say I was as pale +as she. A horrible thought had flashed upon me. At Sondrio I took her +papa aside, and, without telling him what had happened, questioned him +about his impressions of Franzenshohe. 'You remember the little bridge,' +he said, 'that we were all afraid to cross; by Jove! I have often +wondered who that girl was that ventured over it first.' + +"I hastened away from him to think. My fears had been confirmed. It was +not she who had first crossed the plank. Therefore it was not she with +whom I had fallen in love. Nothing could be plainer than that I was in +love with the wrong person. All the time I had loved another. But who +was she? Besides, did I love her? Certainly not. Yes, but why did I love +this one? The whole foundation of my love had been swept away. Yet the +love remained. Which is absurd. + +"At Colico I put the difficulty to her father; but he is stout, and did +not understand its magnitude. He said he could not see how it mattered. +As for her, I have never mentioned it to her again; but she is always +thinking of it, and so am I. A wall has risen up between us, and how to +get over it or whether I have any right to get over it, I know not. Will +you help me--and her?" + +"Certainly not," I said. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XIX. + +PRIMUS. + + +Primus is my brother's eldest son, and he once spent his Easter +holidays with me. I did not want him, nor was he anxious to come, but +circumstances were too strong for us, and, to be just to Primus, he did +his best to show me that I was not in his way. He was then at the age +when boys begin to address each other by their surnames. + +I have said that I always took care not to know how much tobacco I +smoked in a week, and therefore I may be hinting a libel on Primus when +I say that while he was with me the Arcadia disappeared mysteriously. +Though he spoke respectfully of the Mixture--as became my nephew--he +tumbled it on to the table, so that he might make a telephone out of +the tins, and he had a passion for what he called "snipping cigars." +Scrymgeour gave him a cigar-cutter which was pistol-shaped. You put the +cigar end in a hole, pull the trigger, and the cigar was snipped. The +simplicity of the thing fascinated Primus, and after his return to +school I found that he had broken into my Cabana boxes and snipped +nearly three hundred cigars. + +[Illustration] + +As soon as he arrived Primus laid siege to the heart of William John, +captured it in six hours, and demoralized it in twenty-four. We, who had +known William John for years, considered him very practical, but Primus +fired him with tales of dark deeds at "old Poppy's"--which was Primus's +handy name for his preceptor--and in a short time William John was so +full of romance that we could not trust him to black our boots. He and +Primus had a scheme for seizing a lugger and becoming pirates, when +Primus was to be captain, William John first lieutenant, and old Poppy a +prisoner. To the crew was added a boy with a catapult, one Johnny Fox, +who was another victim of the tyrant Poppy, and they practised walking +the plank at Scrymgeour's window. The plank was pushed nearly half-way +out at the window, and you walked up it until it toppled and you were +flung into the quadrangle. Such was the romance of William John that he +walked the plank with his arms tied, shouting scornfully, by request, +"Captain Kidd, I defy you! ha, ha! the buccaneer does not live who +will blanch the cheeks of Dick, the Doughty Tar!" Then William John +disappeared, and had to be put in poultices. + +While William John was in bed slowly recovering from his heroism, the +pirate captain and Johnny Fox got me into trouble by stretching a string +across the square, six feet from the ground, against which many tall +hats struck, to topple in the dust. An improved sling from the Lowther +Arcade kept the glazier constantly in the inn. Primus and Johnny Fox +strolled into Holborn, knocked a bootblack's cap off, and returned with +lumps on their foreheads. They were observed one day in Hyde Park--whither +it may be feared they had gone with cigarettes--running after sheep, +from which ladies were flying, while street-arabs chased the pirates, +and a policeman chased the street-arabs. The only book they read was the +"Comic History of Rome," the property of Gilray. This they liked so much +that Primus papered the inside of his box with pictures from it. The +only authors they consulted me about were "two big swells" called +Descartes and James Payn, of whom Primus discovered that the one could +always work best in bed, while the other thought Latin and Greek a +mistake. It was the intention of the pirates to call old Poppy's +attention to these gentlemen's views. + +[Illustration] + +Soon after Primus came to me I learned that his schoolmaster had given +him a holiday task. All the "fellows" in his form had to write an essay +entitled "My Holidays, and How I Turned Them to Account," and to send +it to their preceptor. Primus troubled his head little about the task +while the composition of it was yet afar off; but as his time drew +near he referred to it with indignation, and to his master's action +in prescribing it as a "low trick." He frightened the housekeeper into +tears by saying that he would not write a line of the task, and, what +was more, he would "cheek" his master for imposing it; and I also +heard that he and Johnny had some thought of writing the essay in +a form suggested by their perusal of the "Comic History of Rome." +One day I found a paper in my chambers which told me that the task was +nevertheless receiving serious consideration. It was the instructions +given by Primus's master with regard to the essay, which was to be "in +the form of a letter," and "not less than five hundred words in length." +The writer, it was suggested, should give a general sketch of how he was +passing his time, what books he was reading, and "how he was making the +home brighter." I did not know that Primus had risen equal to the +occasion until one day after his departure, when I received his epistle +from the schoolmaster, who wanted me to say whether it was a true +statement. Here is Primus's essay on his holidays and how he made the +home brighter: + +[Illustration] + +"RESPECTED SIR:--I venture to address you on a subject of jeneral +interest to all engaged in education, and the subject I venture to +address you on is, 'My Hollidays and How I Turned Them to Account.' +Three weeks and two days has now elapsed since I quitted your scholastic +establishment, and I quitted your scholastic establishment with tears +in my eyes, it being the one of all the scholastic establishments I +have been at that I loved to reside in, and everybody was of an amiable +disposition. Hollidays is good for making us renew our studdies with +redoubled vigor, the mussels needing to be invigorated, and I have not +overworked mind and body in my hollidays. I found my uncle well, and +drove in a handsome to the door, and he thought I was much improved both +in appearance and manners; and I said it was jew to the loving care +of my teacher making improvement in appearance and manners a pleasure +to the youth of England. My uncle was partiklarly pleased with the +improvement I had made, not only in my appearance and manners, but also +in my studies; and I told him Casear was the Latin writer I liked best, +and quoted '_veni, vidi, vici_,' and some others which I regret I +cannot mind at present. With your kind permission I should like to write +you a line about how I spend my days during the hollidays; and my first +way of spending my days during the hollidays is whatsoever my hands find +to do doing it with all my might; also setting my face nobly against +hurting the fealings of others, and minding to say, before I go to +sleep, 'Something attempted, something done, to earn a night's repose,' +as advised by you, my esteemed communicant. I spend my days during the +hollidays getting up early, so as to be down in time for breakfast, and +not to give no trouble. At breakfast I behave like a model, so as to set +a good example; and then I go out for a walk with my esteemed young +friend, John Fox, whom I chose carefully for a friend, fearing to +corrupt my morals by holding communications with rude boys. The J. Fox +whom I mentioned is esteemed by all who knows him as of a unusually +gentle disposition; and you know him, respected sir, yourself, he being +in my form, and best known in regretble slang as 'Foxy.' We walks in +Hyde Park admiring the works of nature, and keeps up our classics +when we see a tree by calling it 'arbor' and then going through the +declensions; but we never climbs trees for fear of messing the clothes +bestowed upon us by our beloved parents in the sweat of their brow; +and we scorns to fling stones at the beautiful warblers which fill the +atmosfere with music. In the afternoons I spend my days during the +hollidays talking with the housekeeper about the things she understands, +like not taking off my flannels till June 15, and also praising the +matron at the school for seeing about the socks. In the evening I devote +myself to whatever good cause I can think of; and I always take off my +boots and put on my slippers, so as not to soil the carpet. I should +like, respected sir, to inform you of the books I read when my duties +does not call me elsewhere; and the books I read are the works of +William Shakespeare, John Milton, Albert Tennyson, and Francis Bacon. +Me and John Fox also reads the 'History of Rome,' so as to prime +ourselves with the greatness of the past; and we hopes the glorious +examples of Romulus and Remus, but especially Hannibal, will sink into +our minds to spur us along. I am desirous to acquaint you with the way +I make my uncle's home brighter; but the 500 words is up. So looking +forward eagerly to resume my studdies, I am, respected sir, your +dilligent pupil." + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XX. + +PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE. + + +[Illustration] + +Though we all pretended to be glad when Primus went, we spoke of him +briefly at times, and I read his letters aloud at our evening meetings. +Here is a series of them from my desk. Primus was now a year and a half +older and his spelling had improved. + + +I. + +_November 16th._ + +DEAR UNCLE:--Though I have not written to you for a long time I often +think about you and Mr. Gilray and the rest and the Arcadia Mixture, and +I beg to state that my mother will have informed you I am well and happy +but a little overworked, as I am desirous of pleasing my preceptor by +obtaining a credible position in the exams, and we breakfast at 7:30 +sharp. I suppose you are to give me a six-shilling thing again as a +Christmas present, so I drop you a line not to buy something I don't +want, as it is only thirty-nine days to Christmas. I think I'll have a +book again, but not a fairy tale or any of that sort, nor the "Swiss +Family Robinson," nor any of the old books. There is a rattling story +called "Kidnapped," by H. Rider Haggard, but it is only five shillings, +so if you thought of it you could make up the six shillings by giving me +a football belt. Last year you gave me "The Formation of Character," and +I read it with great mental improvement and all that, but this time I +want a change, namely, (1) not a fairy tale, (2) not an old book, (3) +not mental improvement book. Don't fix on anything without telling me +first what it is. Tell William John I walked into Darky and settled him +in three rounds. Best regards to Mr. Gilray and the others. + + +II. + +_November 19th_. + +DEAR UNCLE:--Our preceptor is against us writing letters he doesn't see, +so I have to carry the paper to the dormitory up my waistcoat and write +there, and I wish old Poppy smoked the Arcadia Mixture to make him more +like you. Never mind about the football belt, as I got Johnny Fox's for +two white mice; so I don't want "Kidnapped," which I wrote about to you, +as I want you to stick to six-shilling book. There is one called "Dead +Man's Rock" that Dickson Secundus has heard about, and it sounds well; +but it is never safe to go by the name, so don't buy it till I hear more +about it. If you see biographies of it in the newspapers you might send +them to me, as it should be about pirates by the title, but the author +does not give his name, which is rather suspicious. So, remember, don't +buy it yet, and also find out price, whether illustrated, and how many +pages. Ballantyne's story this year is about the fire-brigade; but I +don't think I'll have it, as he is getting rather informative, and I +have one of his about the fire-brigade already. Of course I don't fix +not to have it, only don't buy it at present. Don't buy "Dead Man's +Rock" either. I am working diligently, and tell the housekeeper my socks +is all right. We may fix on "Dead Man's Rock," but it is best not to be +in a hurry. + + +III. + +_November 24th_. + +DEAR UNCLE:--I don't think I'll have "Dead Man's Rock," as Hope has two +stories out this year, and he is a safe man to go to. The worst of it is +that they are three-and-six each, and Dickson Secundus says they are +continuations of each other, so it is best to have them both or neither. +The two at three-and-six would make seven shillings, and I wonder if you +would care to go that length this year. I am getting on first rate with +my Greek, and will do capital if my health does not break down with +overpressure. Perhaps if you bought the two you would get them for 6s. +6d. Or what do you say to the housekeeper's giving me a shilling of it, +and not sending the neckties? + +[Illustration] + + +IV. + +_November 26th._ + +DEAR UNCLE:--I was disappointed at not hearing from you this morning, +but conclude you are very busy. I don't want Hope's books, but I think +I'll rather have a football. We played Gloucester on Tuesday and beat +them all to sticks (five goals two tries to one try!!!). It would cost +7s. 6d., and I'll make up the one-and-six myself out of my pocket-money; +but you can pay it all just now, and then I'll pay you later when I am +more flush than I am at present. I'd better buy it myself, or you might +not get the right kind, so you might send the money in a postal order by +return. You get the postal orders at the nearest postoffice, and inclose +them in a letter. I want the football at once. (1) Not a book of any +kind whatever; (2) a football, but I'll buy it myself; (3) price 7s. +6d.; (4) send postal order. + + +V. + +_November 29th._ + +DEAR UNCLE:--Kindly inform William John that I am in receipt of his +favor of yesterday prox., and also your message, saying am I sure it is +a football I want. I have to inform you that I have changed my mind and +think I'll stick to a book (or two books according to price), after all. +Dickson Secundus has seen a newspaper biography of "Dead Man's Rock" and +it is ripping, but, unfortunately, there is a lot in it about a girl. So +don't buy "Dead Man's Rock" for me. I told Fox about Hope's two books +and he advises me to get one of them (3s. 6d.), and to take the rest of +the money (2s. 6d.) in cash, making in all six shillings. I don't know +if I should like that plan, though fair to both parties, as Dickson +Secundus once took money from his father instead of a book and it went +like winking with nothing left to show for it; but I'll think it over +between my scholastic tasks and write to you again, so do nothing till +you hear from me, and mind I don't want football. + + + +VI. + +_December 3d_. + +DEAR UNCLE:--Don't buy Hope's books. There is a grand story out by +Jules Verne about a man who made a machine that enabled him to walk on +his head through space with seventy-five illustrations; but the worst of +it is it costs half a guinea. Of course I don't ask you to give so much +as that; but it is a pity it cost so much, as it is evidently a ripping +book, and nothing like it. Ten-and-six is a lot of money. What do you +think? I inclose for your consideration a newspaper account of it, +which says it will fire the imagination and teach boys to be manly and +self-reliant. Of course you could not give it to me; but I think it +would do me good, and am working so hard that I have no time for +physical exercise. It is to be got at all booksellers. P.S.--Fox has +read "Dead Man's Rock," and likes it A 1. + + +VII. + +_December 4th._ + +DEAR UNCLE:--I was thinking about Jules Verne's book last night after I +went to bed, and I see a way of getting it which both Dickson Secundus +and Fox consider fair. I want you to give it to me as my Christmas +present for both this year and next year. Thus I won't want a present +from you next Christmas; but I don't mind that so long as I get this +book. One six-shilling book this year and another next year would come +to 12s., and Jules Verne's book is only 10s. 6d., so this plan will save +you 1s. 6d. in the long run. I think you should buy it at once, in case +they are all sold out before Christmas. + + +VIII. + +_December 5th._ + +MY DEAR UNCLE:--I hope you haven't bought the book yet, as Dickson +Secundus has found out that there is a shop in the Strand where all the +books are sold cheap. You get threepence off every shilling, so you +would get a ten-and-six book for 7s. 10-1/2d. That will let you get me +a cheapish one next year, after all. I inclose the address. + + + +IX. + +_December 7th_. + + +DEAR UNCLE:--Dickson Secundus was looking to-day at "The Formation of +Character," which you gave me last year, and he has found out that it +was bought in the shop in the Strand that I wrote you about, so you got +it for 4s. 6d. We have been looking up the books I got from you at other +Christmases, and they all have the stamp on them which shows they were +bought at that shop. Some of them I got when I was a kid, and that was +the time you gave me 2s. and 3s. 6d. books; but Dickson Secundus and Fox +have been helping me to count up how much you owe me as follows: + + _Nominal_ _Price_ + _Price_ _Paid_ + + _L_ _s._ _d._ _s._ _d._ + 1850 "Sunshine and Shadow" 0 2 0 1 6 + 1881 "Honesty Jack" 0 2 0 1 6 + 1882 "The Boy Makes the Man" 0 3 6 2 7-1/2 + 1883 "Great Explorers" 0 3 6 2 7-1/2 + 1884 "Shooting the Rapids" 0 3 6 2 7-1/2 + 1885 "The Boy Voyagers" 0 5 0 3 9 + 1886 "The Formation of Character" 0 6 0 4 6 + ____________ ___________ + 1 5 6 19 1-1/2 + 0 19 1-1/2 + _____________ + 0 6 4-1/2 + + +Thus 6s. 4-1/2d. is the exact sum. The best plan will be for you not to +buy anything for me till I get my holidays, when my father is to bring +me to London. Tell William John I am coming. + +P.S.--I told my father about the Arcadia Mixture, and that is why he is +coming to London. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXI. + +ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO. + + +Pettigrew asked me to come to his house one evening and test some +tobacco that had been grown in his brother's Devonshire garden. I had +so far had no opportunity of judging for myself whether this attempt +to grow tobacco on English soil was to succeed. Very complimentary was +Pettigrew's assertion that he had restrained himself from trying the +tobacco until we could test it in company. At the dinner-table while +Mrs. Pettigrew was present we managed to talk for a time of other +matters; but the tobacco was on our minds, and I was glad to see that, +despite her raillery, my hostess had a genuine interest in the coming +experiment. She drew an amusing picture, no doubt a little exaggerated, +of her husband's difficulty in refraining from testing the tobacco until +my arrival, declaring that every time she entered the smoking-room she +found him staring at it. Pettigrew took this in good part, and informed +me that she had carried the tobacco several times into the drawing-room +to show it proudly to her friends. He was very delighted, he said, that +I was to remain over night, as that would give us a long evening to test +the tobacco thoroughly. A neighbor of his had also been experimenting; +and Pettigrew, who has a considerable sense of humor, told me a +diverting story about this gentleman and his friends having passed +judgment on home-grown tobacco after smoking one pipe of it! We were +laughing over the ridiculously unsatisfactory character of this test +(so called) when we adjourned to the smoking-room. Before we did so Mrs. +Pettigrew bade me good-night. She had also left strict orders with the +servants that we were on no account to be disturbed. + +As soon as we were comfortably seated in our smoking-chairs, which takes +longer than some people think, Pettigrew offered me a Cabana. I would +have preferred to begin at once with the tobacco; but of course he was +my host, and I put myself entirely in his hands. I noticed that, from +the moment his wife left us, he was a little excited, talking more than +is his wont. He seemed to think that he was not doing his duty as a +host if the conversation flagged for a moment, and what was still more +curious, he spoke of everything except his garden tobacco. I emphasize +this here at starting, lest any one should think that I was in any way +responsible for the manner in which our experiment was conducted. If +fault there was, it lies at Pettigrew's door. I remember distinctly +asking him--not in a half-hearted way, but boldly--to produce his +tobacco. I did this at an early hour of the proceedings, immediately +after I had lighted a second cigar. The reason I took that cigar will +be obvious to every gentleman who smokes. Had I declined it, Pettigrew +might have thought that I disliked the brand, which would have been +painful to him. However, he did not at once bring out the tobacco; +indeed, his precise words, I remember, were that we had lots of time. +As his guest I could not press him further. + +Pettigrew smokes more quickly than I do, and he had reached the end of +his second cigar when there was still five minutes of mine left. It +distresses me to have to say what followed. He hastily lighted a third +cigar, and then, unlocking a cupboard, produced about two ounces of +his garden tobacco. His object was only too plain. Having just begun a +third cigar he could not be expected to try the tobacco at present, but +there was nothing to prevent my trying it. I regarded Pettigrew rather +contemptuously, and then I looked with much interest at the tobacco. It +was of an inky color. When I looked up I caught Pettigrew's eye on me. +He withdrew it hurriedly, but soon afterward I saw him looking in the +same sly way again. There was a rather painful silence for a time, and +then he asked me if I had anything to say. I replied firmly that I was +looking forward to trying the tobacco with very great interest. By this +time my cigar was reduced to a stump, but, for reasons that Pettigrew +misunderstood, I continued to smoke it. Somehow our chairs had got out +of position now, and we were sitting with our backs to each other. +I felt that Pettigrew was looking at me covertly over his shoulder, +and took a side glance to make sure of this. Our eyes met, and I bit +my lip. If there is one thing I loathe, it is to be looked at in this +shame-faced manner. + +I continued to smoke the stump of my cigar until it scorched my +under-lip, and at intervals Pettigrew said, without looking round, that +my cigar seemed everlasting. I treated his innuendo with contempt; but +at last I had to let the cigar-end go. Not to make a fuss, I dropped +it very quietly; but Pettigrew must have been listening for the sound. +He wheeled round at once, and pushed the garden tobacco toward me. +Never, perhaps, have I thought so little of him as at that moment. My +indignation probably showed in my face, for he drew back, saying that he +thought I "wanted to try it." Now I had never said that I did not want +to try it. The reader has seen that I went to Pettigrew's house solely +with the object of trying the tobacco. Had Pettigrew, then, any ground +for insinuating that I did not mean to try it? Restraining my passion, +I lighted a third cigar, and then put the question to him bluntly. Did +he, or did he not, mean to try that tobacco? I dare say I was a little +brusque; but it must be remembered that I had come all the way from the +inn, at considerable inconvenience, to give the tobacco a thorough trial. + +[Illustration] + +As is the way with men of Pettigrew's type, when you corner them, he +attempted to put the blame on me. "Why had I not tried the tobacco," +he asked, "instead of taking a third cigar?" For reply, I asked bitingly +if that was not his third cigar. He admitted it was, but said that he +smoked more quickly than I did, as if that put his behavior in a more +favorable light. I smoked my third cigar very slowly, not because I +wanted to put off the experiment; for, as every one must have noted, +I was most anxious to try it, but just to see what would happen. When +Pettigrew had finished his cigar--and I thought he would never be done +with it--he gazed at the garden tobacco for a time, and then took a pipe +from the mantelpiece. He held it first in one hand, then in the other, +and then he brightened up and said he would clean his pipes. This he did +very slowly. When he had cleaned all his pipes he again looked at the +garden tobacco, which I pushed toward him. He glared at me as if I had +not been doing a friendly thing, and then said, in an apologetic manner, +that he would smoke a pipe until my cigar was finished. I said "All +right" cordially, thinking that he now meant to begin the experiment; +but conceive my feelings when he produced a jar of the Arcadia Mixture. +He filled his pipe with this and proceeded to light it, looking at me +defiantly. His excuse about waiting till I had finished was too pitiful +to take notice of. I finished my cigar in a few minutes, and now was the +time when I would have liked to begin the experiment. As Pettigrew's +guest, however, I could not take that liberty, though he impudently +pushed the garden tobacco toward me. I produced my pipe, my intention +being only to half fill it with Arcadia, so that Pettigrew and I might +finish our pipes at the same time. Custom, however, got the better of +me, and inadvertently I filled my pipe, only noticing this when it was +too late to remedy the mistake. Pettigrew thus finished before me; and +though I advised him to begin on the garden tobacco without waiting for +me, he insisted on smoking half a pipeful of Arcadia, just to keep me +company. It was an extraordinary thing that, try as we might, we could +not finish our pipes at the same time. + +About 2 A.M. Pettigrew said something about going to bed; and I rose and +put down my pipe. We stood looking at the fireplace for a time, and he +expressed regret that I had to leave so early in the morning. Then he +put out two of the lights, and after that we both looked at the garden +tobacco. He seemed to have a sudden idea; for rather briskly he tied the +tobacco up into a neat paper parcel and handed it to me, saying that I +would perhaps give it a trial at the inn. I took it without a word, but +opening my hand suddenly I let it fall. My first impulse was to pick +it up; but then it struck me that Pettigrew had not noticed what had +happened, and that, were he to see me pick it up, he might think that +I had not taken sufficient care of it. So I let it lie, and, bidding +him good-night, went off to bed. I was at the foot of the stair when +I thought that, after all, I should like the tobacco, so I returned. +I could not see the package anywhere, but something was fizzing up the +chimney, and Pettigrew had the tongs in his hand. He muttered something +about his wife taking up wrong notions. Next morning that lady was very +satirical about our having smoked the whole two ounces. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXII. + +HOW HEROES SMOKE. + + +On a tiger-skin from the ice-clad regions of the sunless north recline +the heroes of Ouida, rose-scented cigars in their mouths; themselves +gloriously indolent and disdainful, but perhaps huddled a little too +closely together on account of the limited accommodation. Strathmore is +here. But I never felt sure of Strathmore. Was there not less in him +than met the eye? His place, Whiteladies, was a home for kings and +queens; but he was not the luxurious, magnanimous creature he feigned +to be. A host may be known by the cigars he keeps; and, though it is +perhaps a startling thing to say, we have good reason for believing that +Strathmore did not buy good cigars. I question very much whether he had +many Havanas, even of the second quality, at Whiteladies; if he had, he +certainly kept them locked up. Only once does he so much as refer to +them when at his own place, and then in the most general and suspicious +way. "Bah!" he exclaims to a friend; "there is Phil smoking these +wretched musk-scented cigarettes again! they are only fit for Lady +Georgie or Eulalie Papellori. What taste, when there are my Havanas and +cheroots!" The remark, in whatever way considered, is suggestive. In the +first place, it is made late in the evening, after Strathmore and his +friend have left the smoking-room. Thus it is a safe observation. I +would not go so far as to say that he had no Havanas in the house; the +likelihood is that he had a few in his cigar-case, kept there for show +rather than use. These, if I understand the man, would be a good brand, +but of small size--perhaps Reinas--and they would hardly be of a +well-known crop. In color they would be dark--say maduro--and he would +explain that he bought them because he liked full-flavored weeds. +Possibly he had a Villar y Villar box with six or eight in the bottom of +it; but boxes are not cigars. What he did provide his friends with was +Manillas. He smoked them himself, and how careful he was of them is seen +on every other page. He is constantly stopping in the middle of his +conversation to "curl a loose leaf round his Manilla;" when one would +have expected a hero like Strathmore to fling away a cigar when its +leaves began to untwist, and light another. So thrifty is Strathmore +that he even laboriously "curls the leaves round his cigarettes"--he +does not so much as pretend that they are Egyptian; nay, even when +quarrelling with Errol, his beloved friend (whom he shoots through the +heart), he takes a cigarette from his mouth and "winds a loosened leaf" +round it. + +[Illustration] + +If Strathmore's Manillas were Capitan Generals they would cost him about +24s. a hundred. The probability, however, is that they were of inferior +quality; say, 17s. 6d. It need hardly be said that a good Manilla does +not constantly require to have its leaves "curled." When Errol goes into +the garden to smoke, he has every other minute to "strike a fusee;" from +which it may be inferred that his cigar frequently goes out. This is +in itself suspicious. Errol, too, is more than once seen by his host +wandering in the grounds at night, with a cigar between his teeth. +Strathmore thinks his susceptible friend has a love affair on hand; but +is it not at least as probable an explanation that Errol had a private +supply of cigars at Whiteladies, and from motives of delicacy did not +like to smoke them in his host's presence? Once, indeed, we do see +Strathmore smoking a good cigar, though we are not told how he came by +it. When talking of the Vavasour, he "sticks his penknife through his +Cabana," with the object, obviously, of smoking it to the bitter end. +Another lady novelist, who is also an authority on tobacco, Miss Rhoda +Broughton, contemptuously dismisses a claimant for the heroship of one +of her stories, as the kind of man who turns up his trousers at the +foot. It would have been just as withering to say that he stuck a +penknife through his cigars. + +[Illustration] + +There is another true hero with me, whose creator has unintentionally +misrepresented him. It is he of "Comin' thro' the Rye," a gentleman whom +the maidens of the nineteenth century will not willingly let die. He is +grand, no doubt; and yet, the more one thinks about him, the plainer it +becomes that had the heroine married him she would have been bitterly +disenchanted. In her company he was magnanimous; god-like, prodigal; +but in his smoking-room he showed himself in his true colors. Every +lady will remember the scene where he rushes to the heroine's home and +implores her to return with him to the bedside of his dying wife. The +sudden announcement that his wife--whom he had thought in a good state +of health--is dying, is surely enough to startle even a miser out of his +niggardliness, much less a hero; and yet what do we find Vasher doing? +The heroine, in frantic excitement, has to pass through his smoking +room, and on the table she sees--what? "A half-smoked cigar." He was in +the middle of it when a servant came to tell him of his wife's dying +request; and, before hastening to execute her wishes, he carefully +laid what was left of his cigar upon the table--meaning, of course, to +relight it when he came back. Though she did not think so, our heroine's +father was a much more remarkable man than Vasher. He "blew out long, +comfortable clouds" that made the whole of his large family "cough and +wink again." No ordinary father could do that. + +Among my smoking-room favorites is the hero of Miss Adeline Sergeant's +story, "Touch and Go." He is a war correspondent; and when he sees a +body of the enemy bearing down upon him and the wounded officer whom he +has sought to save, he imperturbably offers his companion a cigar. They +calmly smoke on while the foe gallop up. There is something grand in +this, even though the kind of cigar is not mentioned. + +[Illustration] + +I see a bearded hero, with slouch hat and shepherd's crook, a clay pipe +in his mouth. He is a Bohemian--ever a popular type of hero; and the +Bohemian is to be known all the world over by the pipe, which he prefers +to a cigar. The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the +door, "blowing great clouds of smoke into the air," is the hero of a +hundred novels. That is how he is always standing when the heroine, +having need of something she has left in the drawing-room, glides down +the stairs at night in her dressing-gown (her beautiful hair, released +from its ribbons, streaming down her neck and shoulders), and comes most +unexpectedly upon him. He is young. The senior, over whose face "a smile +flickers for a moment" when the heroine says something naive, and whom +she (entirely misunderstanding her feelings) thinks she hates, smokes +unostentatiously; but though a little inclined to quiet "chaff," he is a +man of deep feeling. By and by he will open out and gather her up in his +arms. The scorner's chair is filled. I see him, shadow-like, a sad-eyed, +_blase_ gentleman, who has been adored by all the beauties of +fifteen seasons, and yet speaks of woman with a contemptuous sneer. +Great, however, is love; and the vulgar little girl who talks slang will +prove to him in our next volume that there is still one peerless beyond +all others of her sex. Ah, a wondrous thing is love! On every side of +me there are dark, handsome men, with something sinister in their smile, +"casting away their cigars with a muffled curse." No novel would be +complete without them. When they are foiled by the brave girl of the +narrative, it is the recognized course with them to fling away their +cigars with a muffled curse. Any kind of curse would do, but muffled +ones are preferred. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIII. + +THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE. + + +[Illustration] + +A few years ago, as some may remember, a startling ghost-paper appeared +in the monthly organ of the Society for Haunting Houses. The writer +guaranteed the truth of his statement, and even gave the name of the +Yorkshire manor-house in which the affair took place. The article and +the discussion to which it gave rise agitated me a good deal, and I +consulted Pettigrew about the advisability of clearing up the mystery. +The writer wrote that he "distinctly saw his arm pass through the +apparition and come out at the other side," and indeed I still remember +his saying so next morning. He had a scared face, but I had presence of +mind to continue eating my rolls and marmalade as if my brier had +nothing to do with the miraculous affair. + +[Illustration] + +Seeing that he made a "paper" of it, I suppose he is justified in +touching up the incidental details. He says, for instance, that we were +told the story of the ghost which is said to haunt the house, just +before going to bed. As far as I remember, it was only mentioned at +luncheon, and then sceptically. Instead of there being snow falling +outside and an eerie wind wailing through the skeleton trees, the night +was still and muggy. Lastly, I did not know, until the journal reached +my hands, that he was put into the room known as the Haunted Chamber, +nor that in that room the fire is noted for casting weird shadows upon +the walls. This, however, may be so. The legend of the manor-house ghost +he tells precisely as it is known to me. The tragedy dates back to the +time of Charles I., and is led up to by a pathetic love-story, which I +need not give. Suffice it that for seven days and nights the old steward +had been anxiously awaiting the return of his young master and mistress +from their honeymoon. On Christmas eve, after he had gone to bed, there +was a great clanging of the door-bell. Flinging on a dressing-gown, +he hastened downstairs. According to the story, a number of servants +watched him, and saw by the light of his candle that his face was an +ashy white. He took off the chains of the door, unbolted it, and pulled +it open. What he saw no human being knows; but it must have been +something awful, for, without a cry, the old steward fell dead in the +hall. Perhaps the strangest part of the story is this: that the shadow +of a burly man, holding a pistol in his hand, entered by the open +door, stepped over the steward's body, and, gliding up the stairs, +disappeared, no one could say where. Such is the legend. I shall not +tell the many ingenious explanations of it that have been offered. +Every Christmas eve, however, the silent scene is said to be gone +through again; and tradition declares that no person lives for twelve +months at whom the ghostly intruder points his pistol. + +On Christmas Day the gentleman who tells the tale in a scientific +journal created some sensation at the breakfast-table by solemnly +asserting that he had seen the ghost. Most of the men present scouted +his story, which may be condensed into a few words. He had retired +to his bedroom at a fairly early hour, and as he opened the door his +candle-light was blown out. He tried to get a light from the fire, but +it was too low, and eventually he went to bed in the semi-darkness. He +was wakened--he did not know at what hour--by the clanging of a bell. +He sat up in bed, and the ghost-story came in a rush to his mind. His +fire was dead, and the room was consequently dark; yet by and by he knew, +though he heard no sound, that his door had opened. He cried out, "Who +is that?" but got no answer. By an effort he jumped up and went to the +door, which was ajar. His bedroom was on the first floor, and looking up +the stairs he could see nothing. He felt a cold sensation at his heart, +however, when he looked the other way. Going slowly and without a +sound down the stairs, was an old man in a dressing-gown. He carried +a candle. From the top of the stairs only part of the hall is visible, +but as the apparition disappeared the watcher had the courage to go +down a few steps after him. At first nothing was to be seen, for the +candle-light had vanished. A dim light, however, entered by the long, +narrow windows which flank the hall door, and after a moment the +on-looker could see that the hall was empty. He was marvelling at this +sudden disappearance of the steward, when, to his horror, he saw a body +fall upon the hall floor within a few feet of the door. The watcher +cannot say whether he cried out, nor how long he stood there trembling. +He came to himself with a start as he realized that something was coming +up the stairs. Fear prevented his taking flight, and in a moment the +thing was at his side. Then he saw indistinctly that it was not the +figure he had seen descend. He saw a younger man, in a heavy overcoat, +but with no hat on his head. He wore on his face a look of extravagant +triumph. The guest boldly put out his hand toward the figure. To his +amazement his arm went through it. The ghost paused for a moment and +looked behind it. It was then the watcher realized that it carried +a pistol in its right hand. He was by this time in a highly strung +condition, and he stood trembling lest the pistol should be pointed at +him. The apparition, however, rapidly glided up the stairs and was soon +lost to sight. Such are the main facts of the story, none of which I +contradicted at the time. + +[Illustration] + +[Illustration] + +I cannot say absolutely that I can clear up this mystery, but my +suspicions are confirmed by a good deal of circumstantial evidence. This +will not be understood unless I explain my strange infirmity. Wherever +I went I used to be troubled with a presentiment that I had left my pipe +behind. Often, even at the dinner-table, I paused in the middle of a +sentence as if stricken with sudden pain. Then my hand went down to my +pocket. Sometimes even after I felt my pipe, I had a conviction that it +was stopped, and only by a desperate effort did I keep myself from +producing it and blowing down it. I distinctly remember once dreaming +three nights in succession that I was on the Scotch express without it. +More than once, I know, I have wandered in my sleep, looking for it +in all sorts of places, and after I went to bed I generally jumped out, +just to make sure of it. My strong belief, then, is that I was the +ghost seen by the writer of the paper. I fancy that I rose in my sleep, +lighted a candle, and wandered down to the hall to feel if my pipe was +safe in my coat, which was hanging there. The light had gone out when +I was in the hall. Probably the body seen to fall on the hall floor was +some other coat which I had flung there to get more easily at my own. +I cannot account for the bell; but perhaps the gentleman in the Haunted +Chamber dreamed that part of the affair. I had put on the overcoat +before reascending; indeed I may say that next morning I was surprised +to find it on a chair in my bedroom, also to notice that there were +several long streaks of candle-grease on my dressing-gown. I conclude +that the pistol, which gave my face such a look of triumph, was my +brier, which I found in the morning beneath my pillow. The strangest +thing of all, perhaps, is that when I awoke there was a smell of +tobacco-smoke in the bedroom. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXIV. + +NOT THE ARCADIA. + + +[Illustration] + +Those who do not know the Arcadia may have a mixture that their +uneducated palate loves, but they are always ready to try other +mixtures. The Arcadian, however, will never help himself from an +outsider's pouch. Nevertheless, there was one black week when we all +smoked the ordinary tobaccoes. Owing to a terrible oversight on the part +of our purveyor, there was no Arcadia to smoke. + +We ought to have put our pipes aside and existed on cigars; but the +pipes were old friends, and desert them we could not. Each of us bought +a different mixture, but they tasted alike and were equally abominable. +I fell ill. Doctor Southwick, knowing no better, called my malady by +a learned name, but I knew to what I owed it. Never shall I forget +my delight when Jimmy broke into my room one day with a pound-tin of +the Arcadia. Weak though I was, I opened my window and, seizing the +half-empty packet of tobacco that had made me ill, hurled it into the +street. The tobacco scattered before it fell, but I sat at the window +gloating over the packet, which lay a dirty scrap of paper, where every +cab might pass over it. What I call the street is more strictly a +square, for my windows were at the back of the inn, and their view was +somewhat plebeian. The square is the meeting-place of five streets, and +at the corner of each the paper was caught up in a draught that bore it +along to the next. + +Here, it may be thought, I gladly forgot the cause of my troubles, but +I really watched the paper for days. My doctor came in while I was still +staring at it, and instead of prescribing more medicine, he made a bet +with me. It was that the scrap of paper would disappear before the +dissolution of the government. I said it would be fluttering around +after the government was dissolved, and if I lost, the doctor was to get +a new stethoscope. If I won, my bill was to be accounted discharged. +Thus, strange as it seemed, I had now cause to take a friendly interest +in paper that I had previously loathed. Formerly the sight of it made me +miserable; now I dreaded losing it. But I looked for it when I rose in +the morning, and I could tell at once by its appearance what kind of +night it had passed. Nay, more: I believed I was able to decide how the +wind had been since sundown, whether there had been much traffic, and if +the fire-engine had been out. There is a fire-station within view of the +windows, and the paper had a specially crushed appearance, as if the +heavy engine ran over it. However, though I felt certain that I could +pick my scrap of paper out of a thousand scraps, the doctor insisted on +making sure. The bet was consigned to writing on the very piece of paper +that suggested it. The doctor went out and captured it himself. On the +back of it the conditions of the wager were formally drawn up and signed +by both of us. Then we opened the window and the paper was cast forth +again. The doctor solemnly promised not to interfere with it, and I gave +him a convalescent's word of honor to report progress honestly. + +Several days elapsed, and I no longer found time heavy on my hands. My +attention was divided between two papers, the scrap in the square and my +daily copy of the _Times_. Any morning the one might tell me that I had +lost my bet, or the other that I had won it; and I hurried to the window +fearing that the paper had migrated to another square, and hoping my +_Times_ might contain the information that the government was out. +I felt that neither could last very much longer. It was remarkable how +much my interest in politics had increased since I made this wager. + +[Illustration] + +The doctor, I believe, relied chiefly on the scavengers. He thought they +were sure to pounce upon the scrap soon. I did not, however, see why +I should fear them. They came into the square so seldom, and stayed so +short a time when they did come, that I disregarded them. If the doctor +knew how much they kept away he might say I bribed them. But perhaps he +knew their ways. I got a fright one day from a dog. It was one of those +low-looking animals that infest the square occasionally in half-dozens, +but seldom alone. It ran up one of the side streets, and before I +realized what had happened it had the paper in its mouth. Then it stood +still and looked around. For me that was indeed a trying moment. I stood +at the window. + +The impulse seized me to fling open the sash and shake my fist at +the brute; but luckily I remembered in time my promise to the doctor. +I question if man was ever so interested in mongrel before. At one of the +street corners there was a house to let, being meantime, as I had reason +to believe, in the care of the wife of a police constable. A cat was +often to be seen coming up from the area to lounge in the doorway. To +that cat I firmly believe I owe it that I did not then lose my wager. +Faithful animal! it came up to the door, it stretched itself; in the act +of doing so it caught sight of the dog, and put up its back. The dog, +resenting this demonstration of feeling, dropped the scrap of paper and +made for the cat. I sank back into my chair. + +There was a greater disaster to be recorded next day. A workingman +in the square, looking about him for a pipe-light, espied the paper +frisking near the curb-stone. He picked it up with the obvious intention +of lighting it at the stove of a wandering vender of hot chestnuts who +had just crossed the square. The workingman followed, twisting the paper +as he went, when--good luck again--a young butcher almost ran into him, +and the loafer, with true presence of mind, at once asked him for a +match. At any rate a match passed between them; and, to my infinite +relief, the paper was flung away. + +I concealed the cause of my excitement from William John. He +nevertheless wondered to see me run to the window every time the wind +seemed to be rising, and getting anxious when it rained. Seeing that my +health prevented my leaving the house, he could not make out why I +should be so interested in the weather. Once I thought he was fairly on +the scent. A sudden blast of wind had caught up the paper and whirled it +high in the air. I may have uttered an ejaculation, for he came hurrying +to the window. He found me pointing unwittingly to what was already a +white speck sailing to the roof of the fire-station. "Is it a pigeon?" +he asked. I caught at the idea. "Yes, a carrier-pigeon," I murmured in +reply; "they sometimes, I believe, send messages to the fire-stations in +that way." Coolly as I said this, I was conscious of grasping the +window-sill in pure nervousness till the scrap began to flutter back +into the square. + +Next it was squeezed between two of the bars of a drain. That was the +last I saw of it, and the following morning the doctor had won his +stethoscope--only by a few hours, however, for the government's end was +announced in the evening papers. My defeat discomfited me for a little, +but soon I was pleased that I had lost. I would not care to win a bet +over any mixture but the Arcadia. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXV. + +A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT. + + +"This is not a love affair," Marriot shouted, apologetically. + +He had sat the others out again, but when I saw his intention I escaped +into my bedroom, and now refused to come out. + +"Look here," he cried, changing his tone, "if you don't come out I'll +tell you all about it through the keyhole. It is the most extraordinary +story, and I can't keep it to myself. On my word of honor it isn't a +love affair--at least not exactly." + +I let him talk after I had gone to bed. + +"You must know," he said, dropping cigarette ashes onto my pillow every +minute, "that some time ago I fell in with Jack Goring's father, Colonel +Goring. Jack and I had been David and Jonathan at Cambridge, and though +we had not met for years, I looked forward with pleasure to meeting him +again. He was a widower, and his father and he kept joint house. But the +house was dreary now, for the colonel was alone in it. Jack was off on +a scientific expedition to the Pacific; all the girls had been married +for years. After dinner my host and I had rather a dull hour in the +smoking-room. I could not believe that Jack had grown very stout. 'I'll +show you his photograph,' said the colonel. An album was brought down +from a dusty shelf, and then I had to admit that my old friend had +become positively corpulent. But it is not Jack I want to speak about. +I turned listlessly over the pages of the album, stopping suddenly at +the face of a beautiful girl. You are not asleep, are you? + +"I am not naturally sentimental, as you know, and even now I am not +prepared to admit that I fell in love with this face. It was not, I +think, that kind of attraction. Possibly I should have passed the +photograph by had it not suggested old times to me--old times with a +veil over them, for I could not identify the face. That I had at some +period of my life known the original I felt certain, but I tapped my +memory in vain. The lady was a lovely blonde, with a profusion of fair +hair, and delicate features that were Roman when they were not Greek. +To describe a beautiful woman is altogether beyond me. No doubt this +face had faults. I fancy, for instance, that there was little character +in the chin, and that the eyes were 'melting' rather than expressive. +It was a vignette, the hands being clasped rather fancifully at the back +of the head. My fingers drummed on the album as I sat there pondering; +but when or where I had met the original I could not decide. The colonel +could give me no information. The album was Jack's, he said, and +probably had not been opened for years. The photograph, too, was an +old one; he was sure it had been in the house long before his son's +marriage, so that (and here the hard-hearted old gentleman chuckled) it +could no longer be like the original. As he seemed inclined to become +witty at my expense, I closed the album, and soon afterward I went away. +I say, wake up! + +[Illustration] + +"From that evening the face haunted me. I do not mean that it possessed +me to the exclusion of everything else, but at odd moments it would +rise before me, and then I fell into a revery. You must have noticed +my thoughtfulness of late. Often I have laid down my paper at the club +and tried to think back to the original. She was probably better known +to Jack Goring than to myself. All I was sure of was that she had been +known to both of us. Jack and I had first met at Cambridge. I thought +over the ladies I had known there, especially those who had been friends +of Goring's. Jack had never been a 'lady's man' precisely; but, as he +used to say, comparing himself with me, 'he had a heart.' The annals of +our Cambridge days were searched in vain. I tried the country house in +which he and I had spent a good many of our vacations. Suddenly I +remembered the reading-party in Devonshire--but no, she was dark. Once +Jack and I had a romantic adventure in Glencoe in which a lady and her +daughter were concerned. We tried to make the most of it; but in our +hearts we knew, after we had seen her by the morning light, that the +daughter was not beautiful. Then there was the French girl at Algiers. +Jack had kept me hanging on in Algiers a week longer than we meant to +stay. The pose of the head, the hands clasped behind it, a trick so +irritatingly familiar to me--was that the French girl? No, the lady +I was struggling to identify was certainly English. I'm sure you're +asleep. + +"A month elapsed before I had an opportunity of seeing the photograph +again. An idea had struck me which I meant to carry out. This was to +trace the photograph by means of the photographer. I did not like, +however, to mention the subject to Colonel Goring again, so I contrived +to find the album while he was out of the smoking-room. The number of +the photograph and the address of the photographer were all I wanted; +but just as I had got the photograph out of the album my host returned. +I slipped the thing quickly into my pocket, and he gave me no chance +of replacing it. Thus it was owing to an accident that I carried +the photograph away. My theft rendered me no assistance. True, the +photographer's name and address were there; but when I went to the place +mentioned it had disappeared to make way for 'residential chambers.' I +have a few other Cambridge friends here, and I showed some of these the +photograph. One, I am now aware, is under the impression that I am to be +married soon, but the others were rational. Grierson, of the War Office, +recognized the portrait at once. 'She is playing small parts at the +Criterion,' he said. Finchley, who is a promising man at the bar, also +recognized her. 'Her portraits were in all the illustrated papers five +years ago,' he told me, 'at the time when she got twelve months.' They +contradicted each other about her, however, and I satisfied myself that +she was neither an actress at the Criterion nor the adventuress of 1883. +It was, of course, conceivable that she was an actress, but if so her +face was not known in the fancy stationers' windows. Are you listening? + +"I saw that the mystery would remain unsolved until Jack's return home; +and when I had a letter from him a week ago, asking me to dine with him +to-night, I accepted eagerly. He was just home, he said, and I would +meet an old Cambridge man. We were to dine at Jack's club, and I took +the photograph with me. I recognized Jack as soon as I entered the +waiting-room of the club. A very short, very fat, smooth-faced man was +sitting beside him, with his hands clasped behind his head. I believe I +gasped. 'Don't you remember Tom Rufus,' Jack asked, 'who used to play +the female part at the Cambridge A.D.C.? Why, you helped me to choose +his wig at Fox's. I have a photograph of him in costume somewhere at +home. You might recall him by his trick of sitting with his hands +clasped behind his head.' I shook Rufus's hand. I went in to dinner, +and probably behaved myself. Now that it is over I cannot help being +thankful that I did not ask Jack for the name of the lady before I saw +Rufus. Good-night. I think I've burned a hole in the pillow." + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXVI. + +ARCADIANS AT BAY. + + +I have said that Jimmy spent much of his time in contributing to various +leading waste-paper baskets, and that of an evening he was usually to +be found prone on my hearth-rug. When he entered my room he was ever +willing to tell us what he thought of editors, but his meerschaum with +the cherry-wood stem gradually drove all passion from his breast, and +instead of upbraiding more successful men than himself, he then lazily +scribbled letters to them on my wall-paper. The wall to the right of the +fireplace was thick with these epistles, which seemed to give Jimmy +relief, though William John had to scrape and scrub at them next morning +with india-rubber. Jimmy's sarcasm--to which that wall-paper can probably +still speak--generally took this form: + + +_To G. Buckle, Esq., Columbia Road, Shoreditch_. + +SIR:--I am requested by Mr. James Moggridge, editor of the _Times_, +to return you the inclosed seven manuscripts, and to express his regret +that there is at present no vacancy in the sub-editorial department of +the _Times_ such as Mr. Buckle kindly offers to fill. + +Yours faithfully, + +P. R. (for J. Moggridge, Ed. _Times_). + + + +_To Mr. James Knowles, Brick Lane, Spitalfields_. + +DEAR SIR:--I regret to have to return the inclosed paper, which is +not quite suitable for the _Nineteenth Century_. I find that articles +by unknown men, however good in themselves, attract little attention. +I inclose list of contributors for next month, including, as you will +observe, seven members of upper circles, and remain your obedient +servant, + +J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Nineteenth Century_. + + + +_To Mr. W Pollock, Mile-End Road, Stepney_. + +SIR:--I have on two previous occasions begged you to cease sending daily +articles to the _Saturday_. Should this continue we shall be reluctantly +compelled to take proceedings against you. Why don't you try the _Sporting +Times?_ Yours faithfully, + +J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Saturday Review._ + + + +_To Messrs. Sampson, Low & Co., Peabody Buildings, Islington._ + +DEAR SIRS:--The manuscript which you forwarded for our consideration +has received careful attention; but we do not think it would prove a +success, and it is therefore returned to you herewith. We do not care +to publish third-rate books. We remain yours obediently, + +J. MOGGRIDGE & CO. +(late Sampson, Low & Co.). + + + +_To H. Quilter, Esq., P.O. Bethnal Green._ + +SIR:--I have to return your paper on Universal Art. It is not without +merit; but I consider art such an important subject that I mean to deal +with it exclusively myself. With thanks for kindly appreciation of my +new venture, I am yours faithfully, + +J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Universal Review._ + + + +_To John Morley, Esq., Smith Street, Blackwall._ + +SIR:--Yes, I distinctly remember meeting you on the occasion to which +you refer, and it is naturally gratifying to me to hear that you enjoy +my writing so much. Unfortunately, however, I am unable to accept your +generous offer to do Lord Beaconsfield for the "English Men of Letters" +series, as the volume has been already arranged for. Yours sincerely, + +J. MOGGRIDGE, +Ed. "English Men of Letters" series. + + + +_To F. C. Burnand, Esq., Peebles, N.B._ + +SIR:--The jokes which you forwarded to _Punch_ on Monday last are +so good that we used them three years ago. Yours faithfully, + +J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. _Punch_. + + + +_To Mr. D'Oyley Carte, Cross Stone Buildings, Westminster Bridge Road._ + +DEAR SIR:--The comic opera by your friends Messrs. Gilbert and Sullivan, +which you have submitted to me, as sole lessee and manager of the Savoy +Theatre, is now returned to you unread. The little piece, judged from +its title-page, is bright and pleasing, but I have arranged with two +other gentlemen to write my operas for the next twenty-one years. +Faithfully yours, + +J. MOGGRIDGE, +Sole Lessee and Manager Savoy Theatre. + + + +[Illustration] + + +_To James Ruskin, Esq., Railway Station Hotel, Willisden._ + +SIR:--I warn you that I will not accept any more copies of your books. +I do not know the individual named Tennyson to whom you refer; but if +he is the scribbler who is perpetually sending me copies of his verses, +please tell him that I read no poetry except my own. Why can't you leave +me alone? + +J. MOGGRIDGE, Poet Laureate. + + + +These letters of Jimmy's remind me of our famous competition, which took +place on the night of the Jubilee celebrations. When all the rest of +London (including William John) was in the streets, the Arcadians met as +usual, and Scrymgeour, at my request, put on the shutters to keep out +the din. It so happened that Jimmy and Gilray were that night in wicked +moods, for Jimmy, who was so anxious to be a journalist, had just had +his seventeenth article returned from the _St. John's Gazette_, and +Gilray had been "slated" for his acting of a new part, in all the +leading papers. They were now disgracing the tobacco they smoked by +quarrelling about whether critics or editors were the more disreputable +class, when in walked Pettigrew, who had not visited us for months. +Pettigrew is as successful a journalist as Jimmy is unfortunate, and +the pallor of his face showed how many Jubilee articles he had written +during the past two months. Pettigrew offered each of us a Splendidad +(his wife's new brand), which we dropped into the fireplace. Then he +filled my little Remus with Arcadia, and sinking weariedly into a chair, +said: + +"My dear Jimmy, the curse of journalism is not that editors won't accept +our articles, but that they want too many from us." + +This seemed such monstrous nonsense to Jimmy that he turned his back on +Pettigrew, and Gilray broke in with a diatribe against critics. + +"Critics," said Pettigrew, "are to be pitied rather than reviled." + +Then Gilray and Jimmy had a common foe. Whether it was Pettigrew's +appearance among us or the fireworks outside that made us unusually +talkative that night I cannot say, but we became quite brilliant, and +when Jimmy began to give us his dream about killing an editor, Gilray +said that he had a dream about criticising critics; and Pettigrew, not +to be outdone, said that he had a dream of what would become of him if +he had to write any more Jubilee articles. Then it was that Marriot +suggested a competition. "Let each of the grumblers," he said, "describe +his dream, and the man whose dream seems the most exhilarating will +get from the judges a Jubilee pound-tin of the Arcadia." The grumblers +agreed, but each wanted the others to dream first. At last Jimmy began +as follows: + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXVII. + +JIMMY'S DREAM. + + +I see before me (said Jimmy, savagely) a court, where I, James +Moggridge, am arraigned on a charge of assaulting the editor of +the _St. John's Gazette_ so as to cause death. Little interest is +manifested in the case. On being arrested I had pleaded guilty, and up +to to-day it had been anticipated that the matter would be settled out +of court. No apology, however, being forthcoming, the law has to take +its course. The defence is that the assault was fair comment on a +matter of public interest, and was warranted in substance and in fact. +On making his appearance in the dock the prisoner is received with +slight cheering. + +Mr. John Jones is the first witness called for the prosecution. He says: +I am assistant editor of the _St. John's Gazette_. It is an evening +newspaper of pronounced Radical views. I never saw the prisoner until +to-day, but I have frequently communicated with him. It was part of my +work to send him back his articles. This often kept me late. + +In cross-examination the witness denies that he has ever sent the +prisoner other people's articles by mistake. Pressed, he says, he may +have done so once. The defendant generally inclosed letters with his +articles, in which he called attention to their special features. +Sometimes these letters were of a threatening nature, but there was +nothing unusual in that. + +Cross-examined: The letters were not what he would call alarming. He had +not thought of taking any special precautions himself. Of course, in his +position, he had to take his chance. So far as he could remember, it was +not for his own sake that the prisoner wanted his articles published, +but in the interests of the public. He, the prisoner, was vexed, he +said, to see the paper full of such inferior matter. Witness had +frequently seen letters to the editor from other disinterested +contributors couched in similar language. If he was not mistaken, he +saw a number of these gentlemen in court. (Applause from the persons +referred to.) + +Mr. Snodgrass says: I am a poet. I do not compose during the day. The +strain would be too great. Every evening I go out into the streets and +buy the latest editions of the evening journals. If there is anything +in them worthy commemoration in verse, I compose. There is generally +something. I cannot say to which paper I send most of my poems, as +I send to all. One of the weaknesses of the _St. John's Gazette_ is +its poetry. It is not worthy of the name. It is doggerel. I have sought +to improve it, but the editor rejected my contributions. I continued to +send them, hoping that they would educate his taste. One night I had +sent him a very long poem which did not appear in the paper next day. I +was very indignant, and went straight to the office. That was on Jubilee +Day. I was told that the editor had left word that he had just gone into +the country for two days. (Hisses.) I forced my way up the stairs, +however, and when I reached the top I did not know which way to go. +There were a number of doors with "No admittance" printed on them. +(More hissing.) I heard voices in altercation in a room near me. I +thought that was likely to be the editor's. I opened the door and went +in. The prisoner was in the room. He had the editor on the floor and was +jumping on him. I said, "Is that the editor?" He said, "Yes." I said, +"Have you killed him?" He said, "Yes," again. I said, "Oh!" and went +away. That is all I remember of the affair. + +[Illustration] + +Cross-examined: It did not occur to me to interfere. I thought very +little of the affair at the time. I think I mentioned it to my wife in +the evening; but I will not swear to that. I am not the Herr Bablerr who +compelled his daughter to marry a man she did not love, so that I might +write an ode in celebration of the nuptials. I have no daughter. I am a +poet. + +The foreman printer deposed to having had his attention called to the +murder of the editor about three o'clock. He was very busy at the time. +About an hour afterward he saw the body and put a placard over it. He +spoke of the matter to the assistant editor, who suggested that they had +better call in the police. That was done. + +A clerk in the counting-house says: I distinctly remember the afternoon +of the murder. I can recall it without difficulty, as it was on the +following evening that I went to the theatre--a rare occurrence with me. +I was running up the stairs when I met a man coming down. I recognized +the prisoner as that man. He said, "I have killed your editor." I +replied, "Then you ought to be ashamed of yourself." We had no further +conversation. + +J. O'Leary is next called. He says: I am an Irishman by birth. I had +to fly my country when an iniquitous Coercion Act was put in force. +At present I am a journalist, and I write Fenian letters for the _St. +Johns Gazette_. I remember the afternoon of the murder. It was the +sub-editor who told me of it. He asked me if I would write a "par" on +the subject for the fourth edition. I did so; but as I was in a hurry +to catch a train it was only a few lines. We did him fuller justice +next day. + +Cross-examined: Witness denies that he felt any elation on hearing that +a new topic had been supplied for writing on. He was sorry rather. + +A policeman gives evidence that about half-past four on Jubilee Day he +saw a small crowd gather round the entrance to the offices of the _St. +John's Gazette_. He thought it his duty to inquire into the matter. +He went inside and asked an office-boy what was up. The boy said he +thought the editor had been murdered, but advised him to inquire +upstairs. He did so, and the boy's assertion was confirmed. He came down +again and told the crowd that it was the editor who had been killed. The +crowd then dispersed. + +A detective from Scotland Yard explains the method of the prisoner's +capture. Moggridge wrote to the superintendent saying that he would be +passing Scotland Yard on the following Wednesday on business. Three +detectives, including witness, were told off to arrest him, and they +succeeded in doing so. (Loud and prolonged applause.) + +The judge interposes here. He fails, he says, to see that this evidence +is relevant. So far as he can see, the question is not whether a murder +has been committed, but whether, under the circumstances, it is a +criminal offence. The prisoner should never have been tried here at all. +It was a case for the petty sessions. If the counsel cannot give some +weighty reason for proceeding with further evidence, he will now put it +to the jury. + +[Illustration] + +After a few remarks from the counsel for the prosecution and the +counsel for the defence, who calls attention to the prisoner's high and +unblemished character, the judge sums up. It is for the jury, he says, +to decide whether the prisoner has committed a criminal offence. That +was the point; and in deciding it the jury should bear in mind the +desirability of suppressing merely vexatious cases. People should not +go to law over trifles. Still, the jury must remember that, without +exception, all human life was sacred. After some further remarks from +the judge, the jury (who deliberate for rather more than three-quarters +of an hour) return a verdict of guilty. The prisoner is sentenced to a +fine of five florins, or three days' imprisonment. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXVIII. + +GILRAY'S DREAM. + + +Conceive me (said Gilray, with glowing face) invited to write a +criticism of the Critics' Dramatic Society for the _Standard_. +I select the _Standard_, because that paper has treated me most +cruelly. However, I loathe them all. My dream is the following +criticism: + +What is the Critics' Dramatic Society? We found out on Wednesday +afternoon, and, as we went to Drury Lane in the interests of the public, +it is only fair that the public should know too. Besides, in that case +we can all bear it together. Be it known, then, that this Dramatic +Society is composed of "critics" who gave "The School for Scandal" at +a matinee on Wednesday just to show how the piece should be played. +Mr. Augustus Harris had "kindly put the theatre at their disposal," +for which he will have to answer when he joins Sheridan in the Elysian +Fields. As the performance was by far the worst ever perpetrated, it +would be a shame to deprive the twentieth century of the programme. Some +of the players, as will be seen, are too well known to escape obloquy. +The others may yet be able to sink into oblivion. + + + Sir Peter Teazle MR. JOHN RUSKIN. + Joseph Surface MR. W. E. HENLEY. + Charles Surface MR. HARRY LABOUCHERE. + Crabtree MR. W. ARCHER. + Sir Benjamin Backbite MR. CLEMENT SCOTT. + Moses MR. WALTER SICHEL. + Old Rowley MR. JOSEPH KNIGHT. + Sir Oliver MR. W.H. POLLOCK. + Trip MR. G. A. SALA. + Snake MR. MOY THOMAS. + Sir Harry Bumper (with song) MR. GEORGE MOORE. + Servants, Guests, etc. MESSRS. SAVILLE CLARKE, + JOSEPH HATTON, PERCY FITZGERALD, etc. + + Assisted by + + Lady Teazle MISS ROSIE LE DENE. + Mrs. Candour MISS JENNY MONTALBAN. + Lady Sneerwell MISS ROSALIND LABELLE + (The Hon. Mrs. Major TURNLEY). + Maria MISS JONES. + + +It was a sin of omission on the part of the Critics' Dramatic Society +not to state that the piece played was "a new and original comedy" +in many acts. Had they had the courage to do this, and to change the +title, no one would even have known. On the other hand, it was a sin +of commission to allow that Professor Henry Morley was responsible +for the stage management; Mr. Morley being a man of letters whom some +worthy people respect. But perhaps sins of omission and commission +counterbalance. The audience was put in a bad humor before the +performance began, owing to the curtain's rising fifteen minutes late. +However, once the curtain did rise, it was an unconscionable time in +falling. What is known as the "business" of the first act, including the +caterwauling of Sir Benjamin Backbite and Crabtree in their revolutions +round Joseph, was gone through with a deliberation that was cruelty +to the audience, and just when the act seemed over at last these +indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet. A sigh ran round the +theatre at this--a sigh as full of suffering as when a minister, having +finished his thirdly and lastly, starts off again, with, "I cannot allow +this opportunity to pass." Possibly the Critics' Dramatic Society are +congratulating themselves on the undeniable fact that the sighs and +hisses grew beautifully less as the performance proceeded. But that was +because the audience diminished too. One man cannot be expected to sigh +like twenty; though, indeed, some of the audience of Wednesday sighed +like at least half a dozen. + +[Illustration] + +If it be true that all men--even critics--have their redeeming points +and failings, then was there no Charles and no Joseph Surface at this +unique matinee. For the ungainly gentleman who essayed the part of +Charles made, or rather meant to make, him spotless; and Mr. Henley's +Joseph was twin-brother to Mr. Irving's Mephistopheles. Perhaps the idea +of Mr. Labouchere and his friend, Mr. Henley, was that they would make +one young man between them. They found it hard work. Mr. Labouchere +has yet to learn that buffoonery is not exactly wit, and that Charles +Surfaces who dig their uncle Olivers in the ribs, and then turn to the +audience for applause, are among the things that the nineteenth century +can do without. According to the programme, Mr. George Moore--the Sir +Harry Bumper--was to sing the song, "Here's to the Maiden of Bashful +Fifteen." Mr. Moore did not sing it, but Mr. Labouchere did. The +explanation of this, we understand, was not that Sir Harry's heart +failed him at the eleventh hour, but that Mr. Labouchere threatened to +fling up his part unless the song was given to him. However, Mr. Moore +heard Mr. Labouchere singing the song, and that was revenge enough for +any man. To Mr. Henley the part of Joseph evidently presented no serious +difficulties. In his opinion, Joseph is a whining hypocrite who rolls +his eyes when he wishes to look natural. Obviously he is a slavish +admirer of Mr. Irving. If Joseph had taken his snuff as this one does, +Lady Sneerwell would have sent him to the kitchen. If he had made love +to Lady Teazle as this one does, she would have suspected him of weak +intellect. Sheridan's Joseph was a man of culture: Mr. Henley's is a +buffoon. It is not, perhaps, so much this gentleman's fault as his +misfortune that his acting is without either art or craft; but then he +was not compelled to play Joseph Surface. Indeed, we may go further, and +say that if he is a man with friends he must have been dissuaded from +it. The Sir Peter Teazle of Mr. Ruskin reminded us of other Sir Peter +Teazles--probably because Sir Peter is played nowadays with his +courtliness omitted. + +[Illustration] + +Mr. William Archer was the Crabtree, or rather Mr. Archer and the +prompter between them. Until we caught sight of the prompter we had +credited Mr. Archer with being a ventriloquist given to casting his +voice to the wings. Mr. Clement Scott--their Benjamin Backbite--was a +ventriloquist too, but not in such a large way as Mr. Archer. His voice, +so far as we could make out from an occasional rumble, was in his boots, +where his courage kept it company. There was no more ambitious actor +in the cast than Mr. Pollock. Mr. Pollock was Sir Oliver, and he gave +a highly original reading of that old gentleman. What Mr. Pollock's +private opinion of the character of Sir Oliver may be we cannot say; it +would be worth an interviewer's while to find out. But if he thinks Sir +Oliver was a windmill, we can inform him at once that he is mistaken. Of +Mr. Sichel's Moses all that occurs to us to say is that when he let his +left arm hang down and raised the other aloft, he looked very like a +tea-pot. Mr. Joseph Knight was Old Rowley. In that character all we saw +of him was his back; and we are bound to admit that it was unexceptional. +Sheridan calls one of his servants Snake, and the other Trip. Mr. Moy +Thomas tried to look as like a snake as he could, and with some success. +The Trip of Mr. Sala, however, was a little heavy, and when he came +between the audience and the other actors there was a temporary eclipse. +As for the minor parts, the gentlemen who personated them gave a capital +rendering of supers suffering from stage-fever. Wednesday is memorable +in the history of the stage, but we would forget it if we could. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXIX. + +PETTIGREW'S DREAM. + + +My dream (said Pettigrew) contrasts sadly with those of my young +friends. They dream of revenge, but my dream is tragic. I see my editor +writing my obituary notice. This is how it reads: + +Mr. Pettigrew, M.A., whose sad death is recorded in another column, was +in his forty-second year (not his forty-fourth, as stated in the evening +papers), and had done a good deal of Jubilee work before he accepted the +commission that led to his death. It is an open secret that he wrote +seventy of the Jubilee sketches which have appeared in this paper. The +pamphlet now selling in the streets for a penny, entitled "Jubilees of +the Past," was his. He wrote the introductory chapter to "Fifty Years of +Progress," and his "Jubilee Statesmen" is now in a second edition. The +idea of a collection of Jubilee odes was not his, but the publisher's. +At the same time, his friends and relatives attach no blame to them. Mr. +Pettigrew shivered when the order was given to him, but he accepted it, +and the general impression among those who knew him was that a man who +had survived "Jubilee Statesmen" could do anything. As it turns out, we +had overestimated Mr. Pettigrew's powers of endurance. + +[Illustration] + +As "The Jubilee Odes" will doubtless yet be collected by another hand, +little need be said here of the work. Mr. Pettigrew was to make his +collection as complete as the limited space at his disposal (two +volumes) would allow; the only original writing in the book being a +sketch of the various schemes suggested for the celebration of the +Jubilee. It was this sketch that killed him. On the morning of the 27th, +when he intended beginning it, he rose at an unusually early hour, +and was seen from the windows of the house pacing the garden in an +apparently agitated state of mind. He ate no breakfast. One of his +daughters states that she noticed a wild look in his eyes during the +morning meal; but, as she did not remark on it at the time, much stress +need not be laid on this. The others say that he was unusually quiet and +silent. All, however, noticed one thing. Generally, when he had literary +work to do, he was anxious to begin upon his labors, and spent little +time at the breakfast-table. On this occasion he sat on. Even after the +breakfast things were removed he seemed reluctant to adjourn to the +study. His wife asked him several times if he meant to begin "The +Jubilee Odes" that day, and he always replied in the affirmative. But +he talked nervously of other things; and, to her surprise--though she +thought comparatively little of it at the time--drew her on to a +discussion on summer bonnets. As a rule, this was a subject which he +shunned. At last he rose, and, going slowly to the window, looked out +for a quarter of an hour. His wife asked him again about "The Jubilee +Odes," and he replied that he meant to begin directly. Then he went +round the morning-room, looking at the pictures on the walls as if for +the first time. After that he leaned for a little while against the +mantelpiece, and then, as if an idea had struck him, began to wind up +the clock. He went through the house winding up the clocks, though this +duty was usually left to a servant; and when that was over he came back +to the breakfast-room and talked about Waterbury watches. His wife had +to go to the kitchen, and he followed her. On their way back they passed +the nursery, and he said he thought he would go in and talk to the +nurse. This was very unlike him. At last his wife said that it would +soon be luncheon-time, and then he went to the study. Some ten minutes +afterward he wandered into the dining-room, where she was arranging some +flowers. He seemed taken aback at seeing her, but said, after a moment's +thought, that the study door was locked and he could not find the key. +This astonished her, as she had dusted the room herself that morning. +She went to see, and found the study door standing open. When she +returned to the dining-room he had disappeared. They searched for him +everywhere, and eventually discovered him in the drawing-room, turning +over a photograph album. He then went back to the study. His wife +accompanied him, and, as was her custom, filled his pipe for him. He +smoked a mixture to which he was passionately attached. He lighted his +pipe several times, but it always went out. His wife put a new nib into +his pen, placed some writing material on the table, and then retired, +shutting the door behind her. + +[Illustration] + +About half an hour afterward Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to +the study on a trifling errand. As he did not return she followed him. +She found him sitting on his father's knee, where she did not remember +ever having seen him before. Mr. Pettigrew was holding his watch to +the boy's ears. The study table was littered with several hundreds of +Jubilee odes. Other odes had slipped to the floor. Mrs. Pettigrew asked +how he was getting on, and her unhappy husband replied that he was just +going to begin. His hands were trembling, and he had given up trying to +smoke. He sought to detain her by talking about the boy's curls; but she +went away, taking the child with her. As she closed the door he groaned +heavily, and she reopened it to ask if he felt unwell. He answered in +the negative, and she left him. The last person to see Mr. Pettigrew +alive was Eliza Day, the housemaid. She took a letter to him between +twelve and one o'clock. Usually he disliked being disturbed at his +writing; but this time, in answer to her knock, he cried eagerly, "Come +in!" When she entered he insisted on her taking a chair, and asked her +how all her people were, and if there was anything he could do for them. +Several times she rose to leave, but he would not allow her to do so. +Eliza mentioned this in the kitchen when she returned to it. Her master +was naturally a reserved man who seldom spoke to his servants, which +rendered his behavior on this occasion the more remarkable. + +[Illustration] + +As announced in the evening papers yesterday, the servant sent to +the study at half-past one to see why Mr. Pettigrew was not coming to +lunch, found him lifeless on the floor. The knife clutched in his hand +showed that he had done the fatal deed himself; and Dr. Southwick, +of Hyde Park, who was on the spot within ten minutes of the painful +discovery, is of opinion that life had been extinct for about half an +hour. The body was lying among Jubilee odes. On the table were a dozen +or more sheets of "copy," which, though only spoiled pages, showed that +the deceased had not succumbed without a struggle. On one he had begun, +"Fifty years have come and gone since a fair English maiden ascended the +throne of England." Another stopped short at, "To every loyal Englishman +the Jubil----" A third sheet commenced with, "Though there have been a +number of royal Jubilees in the history of the world, probably none has +awakened the same interest as----" and a fourth began, "1887 will be +known to all future ages as the year of Jub----" One sheet bore the +sentence, "Heaven help me!" and it is believed that these were the last +words the deceased ever penned. + +Mr. Pettigrew was a most estimable man in private life, and will be +greatly missed in the circles to which he had endeared himself. He +leaves a widow and a small family. It may be worth adding that when +discovered dead, there was a smile upon his face, as if he had at last +found peace. He must have suffered great agony that forenoon, and his +death is best looked upon as a happy release. + + * * * * * + +Marriot, Scrymgeour and I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew, +because he alone of the competitors seemed to believe that his dream +might be realized. + +[Illustration] + + + + +[Illustration] + +CHAPTER XXX. + +THE MURDER IN THE INN. + + +Sometimes I think it is all a dream, and that I did not really murder +the waits. Perhaps they are living still. Yet the scene is very vivid +before me, though the affair took place--if it ever did take place--so +long ago that I cannot be expected to remember the details. The time +when I must give up smoking was drawing near, so that I may have been +unusually irritable, and determined, whatever the cost, to smoke my last +pound-tin of the Arcadia in peace. I think my brier was in my mouth when +I did it, but after the lapse of months I cannot say whether there were +three of them or only two. So far as I can remember, I took the man with +the beard first. + +The incident would have made more impression on me had there been any +talk about it. So far as I could discover, it never got into the papers. +The porters did not seem to think it any affair of theirs, though one of +them must have guessed why I invited the waits upstairs. He saw me open +the door to them; he was aware that this was their third visit in a +week; and only the night before he had heard me shout a warning to them +from my inn window. But of course the porters must allow themselves a +certain discretion in the performance of their duties. Then there was +the pleasant gentleman of the next door but two, who ran against me +just as I was toppling the second body over the railing. We were not +acquainted, but I knew him as the man who had flung a water-jug at the +waits the night before. He stopped short when he saw the body (it had +rolled out of the sofa-rug), and looked at me suspiciously. "He is one +of the waits," I said. "I beg your pardon," he replied, "I did not +understand." When he had passed a few yards he turned round. "Better +cover him up," he said; "our people will talk." Then he strolled away, +an air from "The Grand Duchess" lightly trolling from his lips. We +still meet occasionally, and nod if no one is looking. + +I am going too fast, however. What I meant to say was that the murder +was premeditated. In the case of a reprehensible murder I know this +would be considered an aggravation of the offence. Of course, it is +an open question whether all the murders are not reprehensible; but +let that pass. To my own mind I should have been indeed deserving of +punishment had I rushed out and slain the waits in a moment of fury. If +one were to give way to his passion every time he is interrupted in his +work or his sleep by bawlers our thoroughfares would soon be choked with +the dead. No one values human life or understands its sacredness more +than I do. I merely say that there may be times when a man, having stood +a great deal and thought it over calmly, is justified in taking the law +into his own hands--always supposing he can do it decently, quietly, and +without scandal. The epidemic of waits broke out early in December, and +every other night or so these torments came in the still hours and burst +into song beneath my windows. They made me nervous. I was more wretched +on the nights they did not come than on the nights they came; for I had +begun to listen for them, and was never sure they had gone into another +locality before four o'clock in the morning. As for their songs, they +were more like music-hall ditties than Christmas carols. So one +morning--it was, I think, the 23d of December--I warned them fairly, +fully, and with particulars, of what would happen if they disturbed me +again. Having given them this warning, can it be said that I was to +blame--at least, to any considerable extent? + +Christmas eve had worn into Christmas morning before the waits arrived +on that fateful occasion. I opened the window--if my memory does not +deceive me--at once, and looked down at them. I could not swear to their +being the persons whom I had warned the night before. Perhaps I should +have made sure of this. But in any case these were practised waits. +Their whine rushed in at my open window with a vigor that proved them no +tyros. Besides, the night was a cold one, and I could not linger at an +open casement. I nodded pleasantly to the waits and pointed to my door. +Then I ran downstairs and let them in. They came up to my chambers with +me. As I have said, the lapse of time prevents my remembering how many +of them there were; three, I fancy. At all events, I took them into my +bedroom and strangled them one by one. They went off quite peaceably; +the only difficulty was in the disposal of the bodies. I thought of +laying them on the curb-stone in different passages; but I was afraid +the police might not see that they were waits, in which case I might be +put to inconvenience. So I took a spade and dug two (or three) large +holes in the quadrangle of the inn. Then I carried the bodies to the +place in my rug, one at a time, shoved them in, and covered them up. +A close observer might have noticed in that part of the quadrangle, for +some time after, a small mound, such as might be made by an elbow under +the bed-clothes. Nobody, however, seems to have descried it, and yet +I see it often even now in my dreams. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXI. + +THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING. + + +[Illustration] + +When the Arcadians heard that I had signed an agreement to give up +smoking they were first incredulous, then sarcastic, then angry. Instead +of coming, as usual, to my room, they went one night in a body to +Pettigrew's, and there, as I afterward discovered, a scheme for "saving +me" was drawn up. So little did they understand the firmness of my +character, that they thought I had weakly yielded to the threats of +the lady referred to in my first chapter, when, of course, I had only +yielded to her arguments, and they agreed to make an appeal on my behalf +to her. Pettigrew, as a married man himself, was appointed intercessor, +and I understand that the others not only accompanied him to her door, +but waited in an alley until he came out. I never knew whether the +reasoning brought to bear on the lady was of Pettigrew's devising, or +suggested by Jimmy and the others, but it was certainly unselfish of +Pettigrew to lie so freely on my account. At the time, however, the +plot enraged me, for the lady conceived the absurd idea that I had sent +Pettigrew to her. Undoubtedly it was a bold stroke. Pettigrew's scheme +was to play upon his hostess's attachment for me by hinting to her that +if I gave up smoking I would probably die. Finding her attentive rather +than talkative, he soon dared to assure her that he himself loathed +tobacco and only took it for his health. + +"By the doctor's orders, mark you," he said, impressively; "Dr. +Southwick, of Hyde Park." + +She expressed polite surprise at this, and then Pettigrew, believing he +had made an impression, told his story as concocted. + +"My own case," he said, "is one much in point. I suffered lately from +sore throat, accompanied by depression of spirits and loss of appetite. +The ailment was so unusual with me that I thought it prudent to put +myself in Dr. Southwick's hands. As far as possible I shall give you his +exact words: + +"'When did you give up smoking?' he asked, abruptly, after examining my +throat. + +[Illustration] + +"'Three months ago,' I replied, taken by surprise; 'but how did you know +I had given it up?' + +"'Never mind how I know,' he said, severely; 'I told you that, however +much you might desire to do so, you were not to take to not smoking. +This is how you carry out my directions.' + +"'Well,' I answered sulkily, 'I have been feeling so healthy for the +last two years that I thought I could indulge myself a little. You are +aware how I abominate tobacco.' + +"'Quite so,' he said, 'and now you see the result of this miserable +self-indulgence. Two years ago I prescribed tobacco for you, to be taken +three times a day, and you yourself admit that it made a new man of you. +Instead of feeling thankful you complain of the brief unpleasantness +that accompanies its consumption, and now, in the teeth of my +instructions, you give it up. I must say the ways of patients are a +constant marvel to me.' + +"'But how,' I asked, 'do you know that my reverting to the pleasant +habit of not smoking is the cause of my present ailment?' + +"'Oh!' he said, 'you are not sure of that yourself, are you?' + +"'I thought,' I replied, 'there might be a doubt about it; though of +course I have forgotten what you told me two years ago.' + +"'It matters very little,' he said, 'whether you remember what I tell +you if you do not follow my orders. But as for knowing that indulgence +in not smoking is what has brought you to this state, how long is it +since you noticed these symptoms?' + +"'I can hardly say,' I answered. 'Still, I should be able to think back. +I had my first sore throat this year the night I saw Mr. Irving at the +Lyceum, and that was on my wife's birthday, the 3d of October. How long +ago is that?' + +"'Why, that is more than three months ago. Are you sure of the date?'" + +"'Quite certain,' I told him; 'so, you see, I had my first sore throat +before I risked not smoking again.'" + +"'I don't understand this,' he said. 'Do you mean to say that in the +beginning of May you were taking my prescription daily? You were not +missing a day now and then--forgetting to order a new stock of cigars +when the others were done, or flinging them away before they were half +smoked? Patients do such things.' + +"'No, I assure you I compelled myself to smoke. At least----' + +"'At least what? Come, now, if I am to be of any service to you, there +must be no reserve.' + +"'Well, now that I think of it, I was only smoking one cigar a day at +that time.' + +"'Ah! we have it now,' he cried. 'One cigar a day, when I ordered you +three? I might have guessed as much. When I tell non-smokers that they +must smoke or I will not be answerable for the consequences, they +entreat me to let them break themselves of the habit of not smoking +gradually. One cigarette a day to begin with, they beg of me, promising +to increase the dose by degrees. Why, man, one cigarette a day is +poison; it is worse than not smoking.' + +"'But that is not what I did.' + +"'The idea is the same,' he said. 'Like the others, you make all this +moan about giving up completely a habit you should never have acquired. +For my own part, I cannot even understand where the subtle delights of +not smoking come in. Compared with health, they are surely immaterial.' + +"'Of course, I admit that.' + +"'Then, if you admit it, why pamper yourself?' + +"'I suppose because one is weak in matters of habit. You have many cases +like mine?' + +"'I have such cases every week,' he told me; 'indeed, it was having so +many cases of the kind that made me a specialist in the subject. When +I began practice I had not the least notion how common the non-tobacco +throat, as I call it, is.' + +"'But the disease has been known, has it not, for a long time?' + +"'Yes,' he said;' but the cause has only been discovered recently. +I could explain the malady to you scientifically, as many medical men +would prefer to do, but you are better to have it in plain English.' + +"'Certainly; but I should like to know whether the symptoms in other +cases have been in every way similar to mine.' + +"'They have doubtless differed in degree, but not otherwise,' he +answered. 'For instance, you say your sore throat is accompanied by +depression of spirits.' + +"'Yes; indeed, the depression sometimes precedes the sore throat.' + +"'Exactly. I presume, too, that you feel most depressed in the +evening--say, immediately after dinner?' + +"'That is certainly the time I experience the depression most.' + +"'The result,' he said, 'if I may venture on somewhat delicate matters, +is that your depression of spirits infects your wife and family, even +your servants?' + +"'That is quite true,' I answered. 'Our home has by no means been so +happy as formerly. When a man is out of spirits, I suppose, he tends to +be brusque and undemonstrative to his wife, and to be easily irritated +by his children. Certainly that has been the case with me of late.' + +"'Yes,' he exclaimed, 'and all because you have not carried out my +directions. Men ought to see that they have no right to indulge in not +smoking, if only for the sake of their wives and families. A bachelor +has more excuse, perhaps; but think of the example you set your children +in not making an effort to shake this self-indulgence off. In short, +smoke for the sake of your wife and family, if you won't smoke for the +sake of your health.'" + +I think this is pretty nearly the whole of Pettigrew's story, but I may +add that he left the house in depression of spirits, and then infected +Jimmy and the others with the same ailment, so that they should all have +hurried in a cab to the house of Dr. Southwick. + +"Honestly," Pettigrew said, "I don't think she believed a word I told +her." + +"If she had only been a man," Marriot sighed, "we could have got round +her." + +"How?" asked Pettigrew. + +"Why, of course," said Marriot, "we could have sent her a tin of the +Arcadia." + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXII. + +MY LAST PIPE. + + +[Illustration] + +The night of my last smoke drew near without any demonstration on my +part or on that of my friends. I noticed that none of them was now +comfortable if left alone with me, and I knew, I cannot tell how, that +though they had too much delicacy to refer in my presence to my coming +happiness, they often talked of it among themselves. They smoked hard +and looked covertly at me, and had an idea that they were helping me. +They also addressed me in a low voice, and took their seats noiselessly, +as if some one were ill in the next room. + +"We have a notion," Scrymgeour said, with an effort, on my second night, +"that you would rather we did not feast you to-morrow evening?" + +"Oh, I want nothing of that kind," I said. + +"So I fancied," Jimmy broke in. "Those things are rather a mockery, but +of course if you thought it would help you in any way----" + +"Or if there is anything else we could do for you," interposed Gilray, +"you have only to mention it." + +Though they irritated rather than soothed me, I was touched by their +kindly intentions, for at one time I feared my friends would be +sarcastic. The next night was my last, and I found that they had been +looking forward to it with genuine pain. As will have been seen, their +custom was to wander into my room one by one, but this time they came +together. They had met in the boudoir, and came up the stair so quietly +that I did not hear them. They all looked very subdued, and Marriot took +the cane chair so softly that it did not creak. I noticed that after +a furtive glance at me each of them looked at the centre-table, on +which lay my brier, Romulus and Remus, three other pipes that all had +their merits, though they never touched my heart until now, my clay +tobacco-jar, and my old pouch. I had said good-by to these before my +friends came in, and I could now speak with a comparatively firm voice. +Marriot and Gilray and Scrymgeour signed to Jimmy, as if some plan of +action had been arranged, and Jimmy said huskily, sitting upon the +hearth-rug: + +"Pettigrew isn't coming. He was afraid he would break down." + +[Illustration] + +Then we began to smoke. It was as yet too early in the night for my last +pipe, but soon I regretted that I had not arranged to spend this night +alone. Jimmy was the only one of the Arcadians who had been at school +with me, and he was full of reminiscences which he addressed to the +others just as if I were not present. + +"He was the life of the old school," Jimmy said, referring to me, "and +when I shut my eyes I can hear his merry laugh as if we were both in +knickerbockers still." + +"What sort of character did he have among the fellows?" Gilray +whispered. + +"The very best. He was the soul of honor, and we all anticipated a great +future for him. Even the masters loved him; indeed, I question if he had +an enemy." + +"I remember my first meeting with him at the university," said Marriot, +"and that I took to him at once. He was speaking at the debating society +that night, and his enthusiasm quite carried me away." + +"And how we shall miss him here," said Scrymgeour, "and in my +house-boat! I think I had better sell the house-boat. Do you remember +his favorite seat at the door of the saloon?" + +"Do you know," said Marriot, looking a little scared, "I thought I would +be the first of our lot to go. Often I have kept him up late in this +very room talking of my own troubles, and little guessing why he +sometimes treated them a little testily." + +So they talked, meaning very well, and by and by it struck one o'clock. +A cold shiver passed through me, and Marriot jumped from his chair. +It had been agreed that I should begin my last pipe at one precisely. +Whatever my feelings were up to this point I had kept them out of my +face, but I suppose a change came over me now. I tried to lift my brier +from the table, but my hand shook and the pipe tapped, tapped on the +deal like an auctioneer's hammer. + +"Let me fill it," Jimmy said, and he took my old brier from me. He +scraped it energetically so that it might hold as much as possible, +and then he filled it. Not one of them, I am glad to remember, proposed +a cigar for my last smoke, or thought it possible that I would say +farewell to tobacco through the medium of any other pipe than my brier. +I liked my brier best. I have said this already, but I must say it +again. Jimmy handed the brier to Gilray, who did not surrender it until +it reached my mouth. Then Scrymgeour made a spill, and Marriot lighted +it. In another moment I was smoking my last pipe. The others glanced at +one another, hesitated, and put their pipes into their pockets. + +There was little talking, for they all gazed at me as if something +astounding might happen at any moment. The clock had stopped, but the +ventilator was clicking. Although Jimmy and the others saw only me, I +tried not to see only them. I conjured up the face of a lady, and she +smiled encouragingly, and then I felt safer. But at times her face was +lost in smoke, or suddenly it was Marriot's face, eager, doleful, wistful. + +At first I puffed vigorously and wastefully, then I became scientific +and sent out rings of smoke so strong and numerous that half a dozen +of them were in the air at a time. In past days I had often followed +a ring over the table, across chairs, and nearly out at the window, but +that was when I blew one by accident and was loath to let it go. Now +I distributed them among my friends, who let them slip away into the +looking-glass. I think I had almost forgotten what I was doing and where +I was when an awful thing happened. My pipe went out! + +[Illustration] + +"There are remnants in it yet," Jimmy cried, with forced cheerfulness, +while Gilray blew the ashes off my sleeve, Marriot slipped a cushion +behind my back, and Scrymgeour made another spill. Again I smoked, but +no longer recklessly. + +It is revealing no secret to say that a drowning man sees his whole past +unfurl before him like a panorama. So little, however, was I, now on the +eve of a great happiness, like a drowning man, that nothing whatever +passed before me. I lost sight even of my friends, and though Jimmy +was on his knees at my feet, his hand clasping mine, he disappeared as +if his open mouth had swallowed the rest of his face. I had only one +thought--that I was smoking my last pipe. Unconsciously I crossed my +legs, and one of my slippers fell off; Jimmy, I think, slipped it on +to my foot. Marriot stood over me, gazing into the bowl of my pipe, but +I did not see him. + +Now I was puffing tremendously, but no smoke came. The room returned to +me, I saw Jimmy clearly, I felt Marriot overhead, and I heard them all +whispering. Still I puffed; I knew that my pipe was empty, but still I +puffed. Gilray's fingers tried to draw my brier from my mouth, but I bit +into it with my teeth, and still I puffed. + +When I came to I was alone. I had a dim consciousness of having been +shaken by several hands, of a voice that I think was Scrymgeour's saying +that he would often write to me--though my new home was to be within the +four-mile radius--and of another voice that I think was Jimmy's, telling +Marriot not to let me see him breaking down. But though I had ceased to +puff, my brier was still in my mouth; and, indeed, I found it there +when William John shook me into life next morning. + +[Illustration] + +My parting with William John was almost sadder than the scene of the +previous night. I rang for him when I had tied up all my treasures in +brown paper, and I told him to give the tobacco-jar to Jimmy, Romulus to +Marriot, Remus to Gilray, and the pouch to Scrymgeour. William John bore +up till I came to the pouch, when he fairly blubbered. I had to hurry +into my bedroom, but I mean to do something yet for William John. Not +even Scrymgeour knew so well as he what my pouch had been to me, and +till I die I shall always regret that I did not give it to William John. +I kept my brier. + +[Illustration] + + + + +CHAPTER XXXIII. + +WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL. + + +[Illustration] + +Perhaps the heading of this paper will deceive some readers into +thinking that I smoke nowadays in camera. It is, I know, a common jest +among smokers that such a promise as mine is seldom kept, and I allow +that the Arcadians tempt me still. But never shall it be said of me with +truth that I have broken my word. I smoke no more, and, indeed, though +the scenes of my bachelorhood frequently rise before me in dreams, +painted as Scrymgeour could not paint them, I am glad, when I wake up, +that they are only dreams. Those selfish days are done, and I see that +though they were happy days, the happiness was a mistake. As for the +struggle that is supposed to take place between a man and tobacco, after +he sees smoking in its true colors, I never experienced it. I have not +even any craving for the Arcadia now, though it is a tobacco that should +only be smoked by our greatest men. Were we to present a tin of it to +our national heroes, instead of the freedom of the city, they would +probably thank us more. Jimmy and the others are quite unworthy to smoke +it; indeed, if I had my way they would give up smoking altogether. +Nothing, perhaps, shows more completely how I have severed my bonds than +this: that my wife is willing to let our friends smoke in the study, but +I will not hear of it. There shall be no smoking in my house; and I have +determined to speak to Jimmy about smoking out at our spare bedroom +window. It is a mere contemptible pretence to say that none of the smoke +comes back into the room. The curtains positively reek of it, and we +must have them washed at once. I shall speak plainly to Jimmy because I +want him to tell the others. They must understand clearly on what terms +they are received in this house, and if they prefer making chimneys of +themselves to listening to music, by all means let them stay at home. + +But when my wife is asleep and all the house is still, I listen to the +man through the wall. At such times I have my brier in my mouth, but +there is no harm in that, for it is empty. I did not like to give away +my brier, knowing no one who understood it, and I always carry it about +with me now to remind me of my dark past. When the man through the wall +lights up I put my cold pipe in my mouth and we have a quiet hour +together. + +[Illustration] + +I have never, to my knowledge, seen the man through the wall, for his +door is round the corner, and, besides, I have no interest in him until +half-past eleven P.M. We begin then. I know him chiefly by his pipes, +and them I know by his taps on the wall as he knocks the ashes out of +them. He does not smoke the Arcadia, for his temper is hasty, and he +breaks the coals with his foot. Though I am compelled to say that I do +not consider his character very lovable, he has his good points, and I +like his attachment to his brier. He scrapes it, on the whole, a little +roughly, but that is because he is so anxious to light up again, and I +discovered long ago that he has signed an agreement with his wife to go +to bed at half-past twelve. For some time I could not understand why +he had a silver rim put on the bowl. I noticed the change in the tap +at once, and the natural conclusion would have been that the bowl had +cracked. But it never had the tap of a cracked bowl. I was reluctant +to believe that the man through the wall was merely some vulgar fellow, +and I felt that he could not be so, or else he would have smoked his +meerschaum more. At last I understood. The bowl had worn away on one +side, and the silver rim had been needed to keep the tobacco in. +Undoubtedly this was the explanation, for even before the rim came I was +a little puzzled by the taps of the brier. He never seemed to hit the +wall with the whole mouth of the bowl, but of course the reason was that +he could not. At the same time I do not exonerate him from blame. He is +a clumsy smoker to burn his bowl at one side, and I am afraid he lets +the stem slip round in his teeth. Of course, I see that the mouth-piece +is loose, but a piece of blotting-paper would remedy that. + +His meerschaum is not such a good one as Jimmy's. Though Jimmy's +boastfulness about his meerschaum was hard to bear, none of us ever +denied the pipe's worth. The man through the wall has not a cherry-wood +stem to his meerschaum, and consequently it is too light. A ring has +been worn into the palm of his left hand, owing to his tapping the +meerschaum there, and it is as marked as Jimmy's ring, for, though Jimmy +tapped more strongly, the man through the wall has to tap oftener. + +What I chiefly dislike about the man through the wall is his treatment +of his clay. A clay, I need scarcely say, has an entirely different tap +from a meerschaum, but the man through the wall does not treat these two +pipes as if they were on an equality. He ought to tap his clay on the +palm of his hand, but he seldom does so, and I am strongly of opinion +that when he does, it is only because he has forgotten that this is not +the meerschaum. Were he to tap the clay on the walls or on the ribs of +the fireplace he would smash it, so he taps it on a coal. About this +there is something contemptible. I am not complaining because he has +little affection for his clay. In face of all that has been said in +honor of clays, and knowing that this statement will occasion an outcry +against me, I admit that I never cared for clays myself. A rank tobacco +is less rank through a church-warden, but to smoke the Arcadia through a +clay is to incur my contempt, and even my resentment. But to disbelieve +in clays is one thing and to treat them badly is another. If the man +through the wall has decided, after reflection and experiment, that his +clay is a mistake, I say let him smoke it no more; but so long as he +does smoke it I would have it receive consideration from him. I very +much question whether, if he reads his heart, he could learn from +it that he loves his meerschaum more than his clay, yet because the +meerschaum cost more he taps it on his palm. This is a serious charge +to bring against any man, but I do not make it lightly. + +The man through the wall smokes each of these three pipes nightly, +beginning with the brier. Thus he does not like a hot pipe. Some will +hold that he ought to finish with the brier, as it is his favorite, but +I am not of that opinion. Undoubtedly, I think, the first pipe is the +sweetest; indeed, I feel bound to make a statement here. I have an +uneasy feeling that I never did justice to meerschaums, and for this +reason: I only smoked them after my brier was hot, so that I never gave +them a fair chance. If I had begun the day with a meerschaum, might it +not have shown itself in a new light? That is a point I shall never be +able to decide now, but I often think of it, and I leave the verdict +to others. + +[Illustration] + +Even though I did not know that the man through the wall must retire at +half-past twelve, his taps at that hour would announce it. He then gives +each of his pipes a final tap, not briskly as before, but slowly, as if +he was thinking between each tap. I have sometimes decided to send him a +tin of the only tobacco to smoke, but on the whole I could not undertake +the responsibility of giving a man whom I have only studied for a few +months such a testimonial. Therefore when his last tap says good-night +to me, I take my cold brier out of my mouth, tap it on the mantelpiece, +smile sadly, and go to bed. + +[Illustration] + + + + + + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of My Lady Nicotine, by J. M. 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