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| author | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:54:30 -0700 |
|---|---|---|
| committer | Roger Frank <rfrank@pglaf.org> | 2025-10-15 04:54:30 -0700 |
| commit | 281c01155d86191fb961923e76b2d1a556a07d22 (patch) | |
| tree | 1ecf3e38ed97faa11a0d280c2d0a5d2b83a40eca /18934-h | |
Diffstat (limited to '18934-h')
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diff --git a/18934-h/18934-h.htm b/18934-h/18934-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c70ea6 --- /dev/null +++ b/18934-h/18934-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,8872 @@ +<!DOCTYPE html PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD XHTML 1.0 Strict//EN" +"http://www.w3.org/TR/xhtml1/DTD/xhtml1-strict.dtd"> +<html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en"> +<head> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html;charset=utf-8" /> +<meta http-equiv="Content-Style-Type" content="text/css" /> +<title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of My Lady Nicotine, by J. M. Barrie</title> + +<style type="text/css" xml:space="preserve"> + +body { margin-left: 20%; + margin-right: 20%; + text-align: justify; } +p {text-indent: 1em; + margin-top: 0.25em; + margin-bottom: 0.25em; } + h1,h2,h3,h4,h5,h6 { text-align: center; text-indent: 0;} + hr { width: 50%; text-align:center; } + hr.full { width: 100%; text-align:center;} + img { border: none; padding: 0; } + .foot { margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; text-align: justify; text-indent: -3em; font-size: 85%; } + .poem { margin-left: 10%; margin-right: 10%; margin-bottom: 1em; text-align: left; } + .poem .stanza { margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em; } + .poem p { margin: 0; padding-left: 3em; text-indent: -3em; } + .poem p.i2 { margin-left: 1.5em; } + .quote { margin-left: 6%; margin-right: 6%; text-indent: 0em; font-size: 90%; } + .toc { margin-left: 15%; font-size: 80%; margin-bottom: 0em;} + span.pagenum {text-indent: 0em; position: absolute; left: 1%; font-size: 8pt; margin: 0em; float:left; background-color: inherit; color: #888888; } + center { padding: 0.8em;} + .figure { padding: 0em; padding-top: 0.5em; text-align: center; font-size: 0.8em; margin: 0;} + .figcenter { margin: auto; text-indent: 0em; text-align: center; font-size: 90%; clear:both; } + .figinset { margin: auto; text-indent: 0em; clear:both; font-size:120%;} + + td { vertical-align: top; } + .sc { font-variant: small-caps; } + a { text-decoration: none; border: none; } + + .illref { padding:0; margin:0;font-size: 100%; clear: right; font-size: 90%; } + div.a { padding:0 3em 0em 0em; margin:0em 0em 0em 3em; text-align:left; text-indent: -1em; font-size: 90%; } + div.b { padding-left:10%; margin-left:10%;margin-top: -1.25em; text-align:right; + text-indent: 0; float:right; clear:right; width:10%; font-size: 90%;} + +</style> + </head> + <body> + +<div style='text-align:center; font-size:1.2em; font-weight:bold'>The Project Gutenberg eBook of My Lady Nicotine, by J. M. Barrie</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and +most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions +whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms +of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online +at <a href="https://www.gutenberg.org">www.gutenberg.org</a>. If you +are not located in the United States, you will have to check the laws of the +country where you are located before using this eBook. +</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Title: My Lady Nicotine<br /> + A Study in Smoke</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Author: J. M. Barrie</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-top:1em; margin-bottom:1em; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Illustrator: M. B. Prendergast</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Release Date: July 29, 2006 [eBook #18934]<br /> +[Most recently updated: October 17, 2021]</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Language: English</div> +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'>Character set encoding: UTF-8</div> +<div style='display:block; margin-left:2em; text-indent:-2em'>Produced by: Ted Garvin, David Garcia and the Online Distributed Proofreading Team</div> +<div style='margin-top:2em; margin-bottom:4em'>*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY LADY NICOTINE ***</div> + + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagei" name="pagei"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-halftitle" id="image-halftitle"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/halftitle.png" style="width:500px;height:873px;" + alt="Half-Title" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageii" name="pageii"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageiii" name="pageiii"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageiv" name="pageiv"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-frontis" id="image-frontis"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/frontis.jpg" style="width:500px; height:798px;" + alt="Frontispiece" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagev" name="pagev"></a></span> <a + name="h2H_4_0001" id="h2H_4_0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <div style="border: .75em double black; "> + <h1 style="border-width: .25em; border-color: black; border-style: none none double none; padding-bottom:1em; line-height: 2em;"> + MY LADY<br /> NICOTINE + </h1> + <h2> + A Study in Smoke + </h2> + <h3> + BY J. M. BARRIE <br /> <br /> <span style="font-size: 80%!important;"> + AUTHOR OF "SENTIMENTAL TOMMY," ETC. </span> + </h3> + <p> + + </p> + <h4> + <i>ILLUSTRATED BY</i><br /> M. B. PRENDERGAST + </h4> + <hr /> + <p style="font-size: 70%; text-indent: 0; text-align: center;"> + <br /> <br /> BOSTON <br /> KNIGHT AND MILLET <br /> PUBLISHERS + </p> + </div> + <p> + <a name="h2H_4_0002" id="h2H_4_0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagevi" name="pagevi"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pagevii" name="pagevii"></a></span> + </p> + <h2> + CONTENTS + </h2> + <table style="width:500px;" summary="Table of Contents"> + <tr> + <td colspan="3"> + <div class="figure"> + <a name="image-cont-h" id="image-cont-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/contents-h.png" + style="width:500px; height: 479px;" + alt="Headpiece to Table of Contents" /> + </div> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td class="sc" style="text-align: right;"> + chap. + </td> + <td></td> + <td class="sc" style="text-align: right;"> + page + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + I. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0001" class="sc">Matrimony and Smoking compared</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 1 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + II. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0002" class="sc">My First Cigar</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 11 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + III. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0003" class="sc">The Arcadia Mixture</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 18 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + IV. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0004" class="sc">My Pipes</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 27 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + V. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0005" class="sc">My Tobacco-Pouch</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 38 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + VI. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0006" class="sc">My Smoking-Table</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 45 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + VII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0007" class="sc">Gilray</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 52 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + VIII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0008" class="sc">Marriot</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 60 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + IX. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0009" class="sc">Jimmy</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 70 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageviii" name="pageviii"></a></span> + X. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0010" class="sc">Scrymgeour</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 78 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XI. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0011" class="sc">His Wife's Cigars</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 87 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0012" class="sc">Gilray's Flower-Pot</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 94 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XIII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0013" class="sc">The Grandest Scene in History</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 103 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XIV. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0014" class="sc">My Brother Henry</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 116 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XV. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0015" class="sc">House-Boat "Arcadia"</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 124 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XVI. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0016" class="sc">The Arcadia Mixture Again</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 133 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XVII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0017" class="sc">The Romance of a Pipe-Cleaner</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 143 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXVIII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0018" class="sc">What could he do?</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 151 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XIX. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0019" class="sc">Primus</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 159 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XX. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0020" class="sc">Primus to his Uncle</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 168 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXI. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0021" class="sc">English-grown Tobacco</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 177 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0022" class="sc">How Heroes smoke</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 186 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXIII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0023" class="sc">The Ghost of Christmas Eve</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 194 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXIV. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0024" class="sc">Not the Arcadia</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 202 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXV. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0025" class="sc">A Face that haunted Marriot</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 209 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXVI. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0026" class="sc">Arcadians at Bay</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 216 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXVII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0027" class="sc">Jimmy's Dream</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 223 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXVIII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0028" class="sc">Gilray's Dream</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 231 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXIX. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0029" class="sc">Pettigrew's Dream</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 239 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXX. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0030" class="sc">The Murder in the Inn</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 247 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXXI. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0031" class="sc">The Perils of not Smoking</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 252 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXXII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0032" class="sc">My Last Pipe</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 260 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + XXXIII. + </td> + <td> + <a href="#h2HCH0033" class="sc">When my Wife is Asleep and all the + House is Still</a> + </td> + <td style="text-align: right;"> + 269 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="3"> + <a name="image-cont-t" id="image-cont-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/contents-t.png" style="width:400px; height: 220px;" + alt="Tailpiece to Table of Contents" /> + </div> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="pageix" name="pageix"></a></span> <a + name="h2H_ILL" id="h2H_ILL"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + Illustrations + </h2> + <div style="width:500px!important; margin: auto;"> + <a name="image-illu-h" id="image-illu-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/illust-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:both;width:500px; height:78px; margin-right:1em;" + alt="Headpiece to List of Illustrations" /> <img src="images/illust-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:169px;height:734px; margin-right:1em;" + alt="Headpiece to List of Illustrations" /> + <!-- <div style="padding:0;padding:100px 0 0 0;; text-indent:0;"></div> --> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-halftitle">Half-Title </a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + i + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-frontis">Frontispiece</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + iv + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#h2H_4_0001">Title-Page </a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + v + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-cont-h">Headpiece to Table of Contents </a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + vii + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-cont-t">Tailpiece to Table of Contents </a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + viii + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-illu-h">Headpiece to List of Illustrations</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + ix + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-illu-t">Tailpiece to List of Illustrations</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + xiii + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch01-h">Headpiece to Chap. I.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 1 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch01-1">"As well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 6 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch01-2">"There are the Japanese fans on the wall"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 7 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch01-t">Tailpiece Chap. I. "My wife puts her hand on + my shoulder"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 10 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch02-h">Headpiece Chap. II.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 11 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch02-1">"At last he jumped up"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 14 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch02-2">Box of cigars</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 15 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch02-t">Tailpiece Chap. II. "I firmly lighted my first + cigar"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 17 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch03-h">Headpiece Chap. III. "Jimmy pins a notice on + his door"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 18 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch03-1">"We are only to be distinguished by our pipes"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 20 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch03-2">The Arcadia Mixture</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 21 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch03-t">Tailpiece Chap. III.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 26 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch04-h">Headpiece Chap. IV. "Oh, see what I have done"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 27 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch04-1">"I fell in love with two little meerschaums"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 33 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch04-2">Pipes and pouch</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 36 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch04-t">Tailpiece Chap. IV.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 37 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch05-h">Headpiece Chap. V. "They ... made tongs of + their knitting-needles to lift it"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 38 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch05-1">"I ... cast my old pouch out at the window"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 40, 41 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch05-2">"It never quite recovered from its night in + the rain"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 43 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch05-t">Tailpiece Chap. V.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 44 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch06-h">Headpiece Chap VI. "My Smoking-Table"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 45 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch06-1">"Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 48 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch06-t">Tailpiece Chap. VI.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 51 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch07-h">Headpiece Chap. VII. "We met first in the + Merediths' house-boat"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 52 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch07-1">"He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the + air,'"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 57 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch07-t">Tailpiece Chap. VII. "The Arcadia had him for + its own"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 59 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch08-h">Headpiece Chap. VIII. "I let him talk on"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 60 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch08-1">Pipes and jar of spills</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 62, 63 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch08-7">Tray of pipes and cigars</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 64 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch08-8">"I would ... light him to his sleeping-chamber + with a spill"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 68 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch08-t">Tailpiece Chap. VIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 69 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch09-h">Headpiece Chap. IX. "The stem was a long + cherry-wood"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 70 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch09-1">"In time ... the Arcadia Mixture made him more + and more like the rest of us"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 71 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch09-2">"A score of smaller letters were tumbling + about my feet"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 74 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch09-t">Tailpiece Chap. IX. "Mothers' pets"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 77 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch10-h">Headpiece Chap. X. "Scrymgeour was an artist"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 78 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch10-1">"With shadowy reptiles crawling across the + panels"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 81 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch10-2">"Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a + Japanese dressing-gown"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 84 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch10-t">Tailpiece Chap. X.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 86 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch11-h">Headpiece Chap. XI. "His wife's cigars"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 87 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch11-1">"A packet of Celebros alighted on my head"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 88 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch11-2">"I told her the cigars were excellent"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 90 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch11-t">Tailpiece Chap. XI.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 93 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch12-h">Headpiece Chap. XII. "Gilray's flower-pot"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 94 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch12-1">"Then Arcadians would drop in"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 97 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch12-2">"I wrote to him"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 99 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch12-t">Tailpiece Chap. XII. "The can nearly fell from + my hand"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 102 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch13-h">Headpiece Chap. XIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 103 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch13-1">"Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this + country"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 105 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch13-2">The Arcadia Mixture</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 111 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch13-3">"Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern picking + out his men"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 113 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch13-t">Tailpiece Chap. XIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 115 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch14-h">Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new + Cabanas"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 116 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch14-1">"A few weeks later some one tapped me on the + shoulder"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 118 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch14-2">"Naturally in the circumstances you did not + want to talk about Henry"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 120 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch14-t">Tailpiece Chap. XIV.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 123 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch15-h">Headpiece Chap. XV. "House-boat Arcadia"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 124 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch15-1">"I caught my straw hat disappearing on the + wings of the wind"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 126 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch15-2">"It was the boy come back with the vegetables"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 129 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch15-t">Tailpiece Chap. XV. "There was a row all + round, which resulted in our division into five parties"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 132 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch16-h">Headpiece Chap. XVI. "The Arcadia Mixture + again"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 133 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch16-1">"On the open window ... stood a round tin of + tobacco"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 135 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch16-2">"A pipe of the Mixture"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 138 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch16-3">"The lady was making pretty faces with a + cigarette in her mouth"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 139 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch16-t">Tailpiece Chap. XVI.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 142 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch17-h">Headpiece Chap. XVII. "He was in love again"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 143 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch17-1">"I heard him walking up and down the deck"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 145 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch17-t">Tailpiece Chap. XVII. "He took the wire off me + and used it to clean his pipe"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 150 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch18-h">Headpiece Chap. XVIII. "I had walked from + Spondinig to Franzenshohe"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 151 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch18-1">"On the middle of the plank she had turned to + kiss her hand"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 152 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch18-2">"Then she burst into tears"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 157 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch18-t">Tailpiece Chap. XVIII. "A wall has risen up + between us"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 158 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch19-h">Headpiece Chap. XIX. "Primus"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 159 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch19-1">"Many tall hats struck, to topple in the dust"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 161 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch19-2">"Running after sheep, from which ladies were + flying"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 163 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch19-3">"I should like to write you a line"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 165 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch19-t">Tailpiece Chap. XIX. "I am, respected sir, + your diligent pupil"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 167 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch20-h">Headpiece Chap. XX.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 168 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch20-1">"Reading Primus's letters"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 171 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch20-t">Tailpiece Chap. XX.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 176 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch21-h">Headpiece Chap. XXI. "English-grown tobacco"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 177 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch21-1">"I smoked my third cigar very slowly"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 182 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch21-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXI.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 185 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch22-h">Headpiece Chap. XXII. "How heroes smoke"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 186 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch22-1">"Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a + good cigar"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 189 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch22-2">"A half-smoked cigar"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 190 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch22-3">"The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily + against the door"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 192 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch22-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 193 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch23-h">Headpiece Chap. XXIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 194 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch23-1">"The ghost of Christmas eve"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 195 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch23-2">"My pipe"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 199 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch23-3">"My brier, which I found beneath my pillow"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 200 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch23-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 201 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch24-h">Headpiece Chap. XXIV. "But the pipes were old + friends"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 202 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch24-1">"It had the paper in its mouth"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 205 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch24-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXIV. "I was pleased that I + had lost"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 208 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch25-h">Headpiece Chap. XXV. "A face that haunted + Marriot"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 209 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch25-1">"There was the French girl at Algiers"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 212 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch25-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXV.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 215 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch26-h">Headpiece Chap. XXVI. "Arcadians at bay"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 216 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch26-1">Pipes and tobacco-jar</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 220 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch26-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXVI. "Jimmy began as follows"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 222 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch27-h">Headpiece Chap. XXVII. "Jimmy's dream"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 223 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch27-1">Pipes</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 226 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch27-2">"Council for defence calls attention to the + prisoner's high and unblemished character"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 229 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch27-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXVII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 230 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch28-h">Headpiece Chap. XXVIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 231 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch28-1">"These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a + minuet"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 235 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch28-2">A friendly favor</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 237 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch28-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXVIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 238 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch29-h">Headpiece Chap. XXIX. "Pettigrew's dream"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 239 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch29-1">"He went round the morning-room"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 241 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch29-2">"His wife ... filled his pipe for him"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 243 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch29-3">"Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to + the study"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 244 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch29-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXIX. "I awarded the tin of + Arcadia to Pettigrew"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 246 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch30-h">Headpiece Chap. XXX. "Sometimes I think it is + all a dream"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 247 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch30-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXX.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 251 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch31-h">Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had + weakly yielded"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 252 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch31-1">"They went one night in a body to Pettigrew's"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 254 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch31-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXXI.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 259 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch32-h">Headpiece Chap. XXXII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 260 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch32-1">"Then we began to smoke"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 262 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch32-2">"I conjured up the face of a lady"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 265 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch32-3">"Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had + been to me"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 267 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch32-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXXII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 268 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch33-h">Headpiece Chap. XXXIII. "When my wife is + asleep and all the house is still"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 269 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch33-1">"The man through the wall"</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 272 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch33-2">Pipes</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 275 + </div> + </div> + <div class="illref"> + <div class="a"> + <a href="#image-ch33-t">Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII.</a> + </div> + <div class="b"> + 276 + </div> + </div> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-illu-t" id="image-illu-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/illust-t.png" style="width:400px;height:262px;" + alt="Tailpiece to List of Illustrations" /> + </div> + <p> + + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page1" name="page1"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0001" id="h2HCH0001"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <div class="figcenter"> + <a name="image-ch01-h" id="image-ch01-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch01-h.png" + style="width:500px;height:210px;" alt="Headpiece to Chap. I." /> + </div> + <h1> + MY LADY NICOTINE. + </h1> + <h2> + CHAPTER I. + </h2> + <h3> + MATRIMONY AND SMOKING COMPARED. + </h3> + <p> + The circumstances in which I gave up smoking were these: + </p> + <p> + I was a mere bachelor, drifting toward what I now see to be a tragic + middle age. I had become so accustomed to smoke issuing from my mouth that + I felt incomplete without it; indeed, the time came when I could refrain + from smoking if doing nothing else, but hardly during the hours of toil. + To lay aside my pipe was to find myself soon afterward wandering + restlessly round my table. No blind beggar was ever more abjectly led by + his dog, or more loath to cut the string. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page2" name="page2"></a></span> I am + much better without tobacco, and already have a difficulty in sympathizing + with the man I used to be. Even to call him up, as it were, and regard him + without prejudice is a difficult task, for we forget the old selves on + whom we have turned our backs, as we forget a street that has been + reconstructed. Does the freed slave always shiver at the crack of a whip? + I fancy not, for I recall but dimly, and without acute suffering, the + horrors of my smoking days. There were nights when I awoke with a pain at + my heart that made me hold my breath. I did not dare move. After perhaps + ten minutes of dread, I would shift my position an inch at a time. Less + frequently I felt this sting in the daytime, and believed I was dying + while my friends were talking to me. I never mentioned these experiences + to a human being; indeed, though a medical man was among my companions, I + cunningly deceived him on the rare occasions when he questioned me about + the amount of tobacco I was consuming weekly. Often in the dark I not only + vowed to give up smoking, but wondered why I cared for it. Next morning I + went straight from breakfast to my pipe, without the smallest struggle + with myself. Latterly I knew, while resolving to break myself of the + habit, that I would be better <span class="pagenum"><a id="page3" + name="page3"></a></span> employed trying to sleep. I had elaborate + ways of cheating myself, but it became disagreeable to me to know how many + ounces of tobacco I was smoking weekly. Often I smoked cigarettes to + reduce the number of my cigars. + </p> + <p> + On the other hand, if these sharp pains be excepted, I felt quite well. My + appetite was as good as it is now, and I worked as cheerfully and + certainly harder. To some slight extent, I believe, I experienced the same + pains in my boyhood, before I smoked, and I am not an absolute stranger to + them yet. They were most frequent in my smoking days, but I have no other + reason for charging them to tobacco. Possibly a doctor who was himself a + smoker would have pooh-poohed them. Nevertheless, I have lighted my pipe, + and then, as I may say, hearkened for them. At the first intimation that + they were coming I laid the pipe down and ceased to smoke—until they + had passed. + </p> + <p> + I will not admit that, once sure it was doing me harm, I could not, + unaided, have given up tobacco. But I was reluctant to make sure. I should + like to say that I left off smoking because I considered it a mean form of + slavery, to be condemned for moral as well as physical reasons; but though + now I clearly see the folly of smoking, I was blind to it for some months + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page4" name="page4"></a></span> after I + had smoked my last pipe. I gave up my most delightful solace, as I + regarded it, for no other reason than that the lady who was willing to + fling herself away on me said that I must choose between it and her. This + deferred our marriage for six months. + </p> + <p> + I have now come, as those who read will see, to look upon smoking with my + wife's eyes. My old bachelor friends complain because I do not allow + smoking in the house, but I am always ready to explain my position, and I + have not an atom of pity for them. If I cannot smoke here neither shall + they. When I visit them in the old inn they take a poor revenge by blowing + rings of smoke almost in my face. This ambition to blow rings is the most + ignoble known to man. Once I was a member of a club for smokers, where we + practised blowing rings. The most successful got a box of cigars as a + prize at the end of the year. Those were days! Often I think wistfully of + them. We met in a cozy room off the Strand. How well I can picture it + still. Time-tables lying everywhere, with which we could light our pipes. + Some smoked clays, but for the Arcadia Mixture give me a brier. My brier + was the sweetest ever known. It is strange now to recall a time when a + pipe seemed to be my best friend. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page5" name="page5"></a></span> My + present state is so happy that I can only look back with wonder at my + hesitation to enter upon it. Our house was taken while I was still arguing + that it would be dangerous to break myself of smoking all at once. At that + time my ideal of married life was not what it is now, and I remember + Jimmy's persuading me to fix on this house, because the large room + upstairs with the three windows was a smoker's dream. He pictured himself + and me there in the summer-time blowing rings, with our coats off and our + feet out at the windows; and he said that the closet at the back looking + on to a blank wall would make a charming drawing-room for my wife. For the + moment his enthusiasm carried me away, but I see now how selfish it was, + and I have before me the face of Jimmy when he paid us his first visit and + found that the closet was not the drawing-room. Jimmy is a fair specimen + of a man, not without parts, destroyed by devotion to his pipe. To this + day he thinks that mantelpiece vases are meant for holding pipe-lights in. + We are almost certain that when he stays with us he smokes in his bedroom—a + detestable practice that I cannot permit. + </p> + <p> + Two cigars a day at ninepence apiece come to <i>£</i>27 7<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> + yearly, and four ounces of tobacco a week at nine shillings a pound come + to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page6" name="page6"></a></span> <a + name="image-ch01-1" id="image-ch01-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch01-1.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:290px;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em; padding-right: 0;" + alt=""As well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress"" /> <i>£</i>5 + 17<i>s.</i> yearly. That makes <i>£</i>33 4<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> When we + calculate the yearly expense of tobacco in this way, we are naturally + taken aback, and our extravagance shocks us more after we have considered + how much more satisfactorily the money might have been spent. With <i>£</i>33 + 4<i>s.</i> 6<i>d.</i> you can buy new Oriental rugs for the drawing-room, + as well as a spring bonnet and a nice dress. These are things that give + permanent pleasure, whereas you have no interest in a cigar after flinging + away the stump. Judging by myself, I should say that it was want of + thought rather than selfishness that makes heavy smokers of so many + bachelors. Once a man marries, his eyes are opened to many things that he + was quite unaware of previously, among them being the delight of adding an + article of furniture to the drawing-room every month, and having a bedroom + in pink and gold, the door of which is always kept locked. If men would + only consider that every cigar they smoke would buy part of a new + piano-stool in terra-cotta plush, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page7" + name="page7"></a></span> and that for every pound tin of tobacco + purchased away goes a vase for growing dead geraniums in, they would + surely hesitate. They do not consider, however, until they marry, and then + they are forced to it. For my own part, I fail to see why bachelors should + be allowed to smoke as much as they like, when we are debarred from it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch01-2" id="image-ch01-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figure" style="clear: both;"> + <img src="images/ch01-2.png" + style="width:500px; height:127px; clear: both;" + alt=""There are the Japanese fans on the wall"" /> + </div> + <p> + The very smell of tobacco is abominable, for one cannot get it out of the + curtains, and there is little pleasure in existence unless the curtains + are all right. As for a cigar after dinner, it only makes you dull and + sleepy and disinclined for ladies' society. A far more delightful way of + spending the evening is to go straight from dinner to the drawing-room and + have a little music. It calms the mind to listen to your wife's niece + singing, "Oh, that we two were Maying!" Even if you are not musical, as is + the case with me, there is a great deal in the drawing-room to refresh + you. There are the Japanese fans on the wall, which are things of beauty, + though your artistic taste may not be <span class="pagenum"><a id="page8" + name="page8"></a></span> sufficiently educated to let you know it + except by hearsay; and it is pleasant to feel that they were bought with + money which, in the foolish old days, would have been squandered on a box + of cigars. In like manner every pretty trifle in the room reminds you how + much wiser you are now than you used to be. It is even gratifying to stand + in summer at the drawing-room window and watch the very cabbies passing + with cigars in their mouths. At the same time, if I had the making of the + laws I would prohibit people's smoking in the street. If they are married + men, they are smoking drawing-room fire-screens and mantelpiece borders + for the pink-and-gold room. If they are bachelors, it is a scandal that + bachelors should get the best of everything. + </p> + <p> + Nothing is more pitiable than the way some men of my acquaintance enslave + themselves to tobacco. + </p> + <p> + Nay, worse, they make an idol of some one particular tobacco. I know a man + who considers a certain mixture so superior to all others that he will + walk three miles for it. Surely every one will admit that this is + lamentable. It is not even a good mixture, for I used to try it + occasionally; and if there is one man in London who knows tobaccoes it is + myself. There <span class="pagenum"><a id="page9" name="page9"></a></span> + is only one mixture in London deserving the adjective superb. I will not + say where it is to be got, for the result would certainly be that many + foolish men would smoke more than ever; but I never knew anything to + compare to it. It is deliciously mild yet full of fragrance, and it never + burns the tongue. If you try it once you smoke it ever afterward. It + clears the brain and soothes the temper. When I went away for a holiday + anywhere I took as much of that exquisite health-giving mixture as I + thought would last me the whole time, but I always ran out of it. Then I + telegraphed to London for more, and was miserable until it arrived. How I + tore the lid off the canister! That is a tobacco to live for. But I am + better without it. + </p> + <p> + Occasionally I feel a little depressed after dinner still, without being + able to say why, and if my wife has left me, I wander about the room + restlessly, like one who misses something. Usually, however, she takes me + with her to the drawing-room, and reads aloud her delightfully long + home-letters or plays soft music to me. If the music be sweet and sad it + takes me away to a stair in an inn, which I climb gayly, and shake open a + heavy door on the top floor, and turn up the gas. It is a little room I am + in once again, and very dusty. A pile of papers <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page10" name="page10"></a></span> and magazines stands as high + as a table in the corner furthest from the door. The cane chair shows the + exact shape of Marriot's back. What is left (after lighting the fire) of a + frame picture lies on the hearth-rug. Gilray walks in uninvited. He has + left word that his visitors are to be sent on to me. The room fills. My + hand feels along the mantelpiece for a brown jar. The jar is between my + knees; I fill my pipe.... + </p> + <p> + After a time the music ceases, and my wife puts her hand on my shoulder. + Perhaps I start a little, and then she says I have been asleep. This is + the book of my dreams. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch01-t" id="image-ch01-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch01-t.png" width="400" height="330" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. I. "My wife puts her hand on my shoulder"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page11" name="page11"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0002" id="h2HCH0002"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER II. + </h2> + <h3> + MY FIRST CIGAR. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch02-h" id="image-ch02-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch02-h.png" + style="width:150px;height:412px;float: right; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em; padding: 0;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. II." /> + </p> + <p> + It was not in my chambers, but three hundred miles further north, that I + learned to smoke. I think I may say with confidence that a first cigar was + never smoked in such circumstances before. + </p> + <p> + At that time I was a school-boy, living with my brother, who was a man. + People mistook our relations, and thought I was his son. They would ask me + how my father was, and when he heard of this he scowled at me. Even to + this day I look so young that people who remember me as a boy now think I + must be that boy's younger brother. I shall tell presently of a strange + mistake of this kind, but at present I am thinking of the evening when my + brother's eldest daughter was born—perhaps the most trying evening + he and I ever passed together. So far as I knew, the affair was very + sudden, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page12" name="page12"></a></span> + and I felt sorry for my brother as well as for myself. + </p> + <p> + We sat together in the study, he on an arm-chair drawn near the fire and I + on the couch. I cannot say now at what time I began to have an inkling + that there was something wrong. It came upon me gradually and made me very + uncomfortable, though of course I did not show this. I heard people going + up and down stairs, but I was not at that time naturally suspicious. + Comparatively early in the evening I felt that my brother had something on + his mind. As a rule, when we were left together, he yawned or drummed with + his fingers on the arm of his chair to show that he did not feel + uncomfortable, or I made a pretence of being at ease by playing with the + dog or saying that the room was close. Then one of us would rise, remark + that he had left his book in the dining-room, and go away to look for it, + taking care not to come back till the other had gone. In this crafty way + we helped each other. On that occasion, however, he did not adopt any of + the usual methods, and though I went up to my bedroom several times and + listened through the wall, I heard nothing. At last some one told me not + to go upstairs, and I returned to the study, feeling that I now knew the + worst. He <span class="pagenum"><a id="page13" name="page13"></a></span> + was still in the arm-chair, and I again took to the couch. I could see by + the way he looked at me over his pipe that he was wondering whether I knew + anything. I don't think I ever liked my brother better than on that night; + and I wanted him to understand that, whatever happened, it would make no + difference between us. But the affair upstairs was too delicate to talk + of, and all I could do was to try to keep his mind from brooding on it, by + making him tell me things about politics. This is the kind of man my + brother is. He is an astonishing master of facts, and I suppose he never + read a book yet, from a Blue Book to a volume of verse, without catching + the author in error about something. He reads books for that purpose. As a + rule I avoided argument with him, because he was disappointed if I was + right and stormed if I was wrong. It was therefore a dangerous thing to + begin on politics, but I thought the circumstances warranted it. To my + surprise he answered me in a rambling manner, occasionally breaking off in + the middle of a sentence and seeming to listen for something. I tried him + on history, and mentioned 1822 as the date of the battle of Waterloo, + merely to give him his opportunity. But he let it pass. After that there + was silence. By and by he <span class="pagenum"><a id="page14" + name="page14"></a></span> <a name="image-ch02-1" id="image-ch02-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch02-1.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:327px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;" + alt=""At last he jumped up"" /> rose from his chair, apparently + to leave the room, and then sat down again, as if he had thought better of + it. He did this several times, always eying me narrowly. Wondering how I + could make it easier for him, I took up a book and pretended to read with + deep attention, meaning to show him that he could go away if he liked + without my noticing it. At last he jumped up, and, looking at me boldly, + as if to show that the house was his and he could do what he liked in it, + went heavily from the room. As soon as he was gone I laid down my book. I + was now in a state of nervous excitement, though outwardly I was quite + calm. I took a look at him as he went up the stairs, and noticed that he + had slipped off his shoes on the bottom step. All haughtiness had left him + now. + </p> + <p> + In a little while he came back. He found me reading. He lighted his pipe + and pretended to read too. I shall never forget that my book was "Anne + Judge, Spinster," while his was a volume of "Blackwood." Every five + minutes his pipe went out, and sometimes <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page15" name="page15"></a></span> the book lay neglected on his + knee as he stared at the fire. Then he would go out for five minutes and + come back again. It was late now, and I felt that I should like to go to + my bedroom and lock myself in. That, however, would have been selfish; so + we sat on defiantly. At last he started from his chair as some one knocked + at the door. I heard several people talking, and then loud above their + voices a younger one. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch02-2" id="image-ch02-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch02-2.png" style="width:400px;height:169px;" + alt="Box of cigars" /> + </div> + <p> + When I came to myself, the first thing I thought was that they would ask + me to hold it. Then I remembered, with another sinking at the heart, that + they might want to call it after me. These, of course, were selfish + reflections; but my position was a trying one. The question was, what was + the proper thing for me to do? I told myself that my brother might come + back at any moment, and all I thought of after that was what I should say + to him. I had an <span class="pagenum"><a id="page16" name="page16"></a> + </span> idea that I ought to congratulate him, but it seemed a brutal + thing to do. I had not made up my mind when I heard him coming down. He + was laughing and joking in what seemed to me a flippant kind of way, + considering the circumstances. When his hand touched the door I snatched + at my book and read as hard as I could. He was swaggering a little as he + entered, but the swagger went out of him as soon as his eye fell on me. I + fancy he had come down to tell me, and now he did not know how to begin. + He walked up and down the room restlessly, looking at me as he walked the + one way, while I looked at him as he walked the other way. At length he + sat down again and took up his book. He did not try to smoke. The silence + was something terrible; nothing was to be heard but an occasional cinder + falling from the grate. This lasted, I should say, for twenty minutes, and + then he closed his book and flung it on the table. I saw that the game was + up, and closed "Anne Judge, Spinster." Then he said, with affected + jocularity: "Well, young man, do you know that you are an uncle?" There + was silence again, for I was still trying to think out some appropriate + remark. After a time I said, in a weak voice. "Boy or girl?" "Girl," he + answered. Then <span class="pagenum"><a id="page17" name="page17"></a> + </span> I thought hard again, and all at once remembered something. + "Both doing well?" I whispered. "Yes," he said sternly. I felt that + something great was expected of me, but I could not jump up and wring his + hand. I was an uncle. I stretched out my arm toward the cigar-box, and + firmly lighted my first cigar. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch02-t" id="image-ch02-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch02-t.png" style="width:400px;height:497px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. II. "I firmly lighted my first cigar"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page18" name="page18"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0003" id="h2HCH0003"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER III. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ARCADIA MIXTURE. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch03-h" id="image-ch03-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch03-ha.png" + style="float:left;width:200px;height:143px;padding:0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. III. "Jimmy pins a notice on his door"" /> + <img src="images/ch03-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:both;width:129px;height:216px;padding: 0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. III. "Jimmy pins a notice on his door"" /> + </p> + <p> + Darkness comes, and with it the porter to light our stair gas. He vanishes + into his box. Already the inn is so quiet that the tap of a pipe on a + window-sill startles all the sparrows in the quadrangle. The men on my + stair emerged from their holes. Scrymgeour, in a dressing-gown, pushes + open the door of the boudoir on the first floor, and climbs lazily. The + sentimental face and the clay with a crack in it are Marriot's. Gilray, + who has been rehearsing his part in the new original comedy from the + Icelandic, ceases muttering and feels his way along his dark lobby. Jimmy + pins a notice on his door, "Called away on business," <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page19" name="page19"></a></span> and crosses to me. Soon we + are all in the old room again, Jimmy on the hearth-rug, Marriot in the + cane chair; the curtains are pinned together with a pen-nib, and the five + of us are smoking the Arcadia Mixture. + </p> + <p> + Pettigrew will be welcomed if he comes, but he is a married man, and we + seldom see him nowadays. Others will be regarded as intruders. If they are + smoking common tobaccoes, they must either be allowed to try ours or + requested to withdraw. One need only put his head in at my door to realize + that tobaccoes are of two kinds, the Arcadia and others. No one who smokes + the Arcadia would ever attempt to describe its delights, for his pipe + would be certain to go out. When he was at school, Jimmy Moggridge smoked + a cane chair, and he has since said that from cane to ordinary mixtures + was not so noticeable as the change from ordinary mixtures to the Arcadia. + I ask no one to believe this, for the confirmed smoker in Arcadia detests + arguing with anybody about anything. Were I anxious to prove Jimmy's + statement, I would merely give you the only address at which the Arcadia + is to be had. But that I will not do. It would be as rash as proposing a + man with whom I am unacquainted for my club. You may not be worthy to + smoke the Arcadia Mixture. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page20" name="page20"></a></span> <a + name="image-ch03-1" id="image-ch03-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch03-1.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:125px;height:658px;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;" + alt=""We are only to be distinguished by our pipes"" /> Even + though I became attached to you, I might not like to take the + responsibility of introducing you to the Arcadia. This mixture has an + extraordinary effect upon character, and probably you want to remain as + you are. Before I discovered the Arcadia, and communicated it to the other + five—including Pettigrew—we had all distinct individualities, + but now, except in appearance—and the Arcadia even tells on that—we + are as like as holly leaves. We have the same habits, the same ways of + looking at things, the same satisfaction in each other. No doubt we are + not yet absolutely alike, indeed I intend to prove this, but in given + circumstances we would probably do the same thing, and, furthermore, it + would be what other people would not do. Thus when we are together we are + only to be distinguished by <span class="pagenum"><a id="page21" + name="page21"></a></span> our pipes; but any one of us in the + company of persons who smoke other tobaccoes would be considered highly + original. He would be a pigtail in Europe. + </p> + <p> + If you meet in company a man who has ideas and is not shy, yet refuses + absolutely to be drawn into talk, you may set him down as one <a + name="image-ch03-2" id="image-ch03-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch03-2.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:311px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding: 0;" + alt="The Arcadia Mixture" /> of us. Among the first effects of the Arcadia + is to put an end to jabber. Gilray had at one time the reputation of being + such a brilliant talker that Arcadians locked their doors on him, but now + he is a man that can be invited anywhere. The Arcadia is entirely + responsible for the change. Perhaps I myself am the most silent of our + company, and hostesses usually think me shy. They ask ladies to draw me + out, and when the ladies find me as hopeless as a sulky drawer, they call + me stupid. The charge may be true, but I do not resent it, for I smoke the + Arcadia Mixture, and am consequently indifferent to abuse. + </p> + <p> + I willingly gibbet myself to show how reticent the Arcadia makes us. It + happens that I have <span class="pagenum"><a id="page22" name="page22"></a> + </span> a connection with Nottingham, and whenever a man mentions + Nottingham to me, with a certain gleam in his eye, I know that he wants to + discuss the lace trade. But it is a curious fact that the aggressive + talker constantly mixes up Nottingham and Northampton. "Oh, you know + Nottingham," he says, interestedly; "and how do you like Labouchere for a + member?" Do you think I put him right? Do you imagine me thirsting to tell + that Mr. Labouchere is the Christian member for Northampton? Do you + suppose me swift to explain that Mr. Broadhurst is one of the Nottingham + members, and that the "Nottingham lambs" are notorious in the history of + political elections? Do you fancy me explaining that he is quite right in + saying that Nottingham has a large market-place? Do you see me drawn into + half an hour's talk about Robin Hood? That is not my way. I merely reply + that we like Mr. Labouchere pretty well. It may be said that I gain + nothing by this; that the talker will be as curious about Northampton as + he would have been about Nottingham, and that Bradlaugh and Labouchere and + boots will serve his turn quite as well as Broadhurst and lace and Robin + Hood. But that is not so. Beginning on Northampton in the most confident + manner, it suddenly flashes across him that <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page23" name="page23"></a></span> he has mistaken Northampton + for Nottingham. "How foolish of me!" he says. I maintain a severe silence. + He is annoyed. My experience of talkers tells me that nothing annoys them + so much as a blunder of this kind. From the coldly polite way in which I + have taken the talker's remarks, he discovers the value I put upon them, + and after that, if he has a neighbor on the other side, he leaves me + alone. + </p> + <p> + Enough has been said to show that the Arcadian's golden rule is to be + careful about what he says. This does not mean that he is to say nothing. + As society is at present constituted you are bound to make an occasional + remark. But you need not make it rashly. It has been said somewhere that + it would be well for talkative persons to count twenty, or to go over the + alphabet, before they let fall the observation that trembles on their + lips. The non-talker has no taste for such an unintellectual exercise. At + the same time he must not hesitate too long, for, of course, it is to his + advantage to introduce the subject. He ought to think out a topic of which + his neighbor will not be able to make very much. To begin on the fall of + snow, or the number of tons of turkeys consumed on Christmas Day, as + stated in the <i>Daily Telegraph</i>, is to deserve your fate. If you are + at a dinner-party <span class="pagenum"><a id="page24" name="page24"></a> + </span> of men only, take your host aside, and in a few well-considered + sentences find out from him what kind of men you are to sit between during + dinner. Perhaps one of them is an African traveller. A knowledge of this + prevents your playing into his hands, by remarking that the papers are + full of the relief of Emin Pasha. These private inquiries will also save + you from talking about Mr. Chamberlain to a neighbor who turns out to be + the son of a Birmingham elector. Allow that man his chance, and he will + not only give you the Birmingham gossip, but what individual electors said + about Mr. Chamberlain to the banker or the tailor, and what the grocer did + the moment the poll was declared, with particulars about the antiquity of + Birmingham and the fishing to be had in the neighborhood. What you ought + to do is to talk about Emin Pasha to this man, and to the traveller about + Mr. Chamberlain, taking care, of course, to speak in a low voice. In that + way you may have comparative peace. Everything, however, depends on the + calibre of your neighbors. If they agree to look upon you as an honorable + antagonist, and so to fight fair, the victory will be to him who deserves + it; that is to say, to the craftier man of the two. But talkers, as a + rule, do not fight fair. They consider <span class="pagenum"><a id="page25" + name="page25"></a></span> silent men their prey. It will thus be + seen that I distinguish between talkers, admitting that some of them are + worse than others. The lowest in the social scale is he who stabs you in + the back, as it were, instead of crossing swords. If one of the gentlemen + introduced to you is of that type, he will not be ashamed to say, + "Speaking of Emin Pasha, I wonder if Mr. Chamberlain is interested in the + relief expedition. I don't know if I told you that my father——" + and there he is, fairly on horseback. It is seldom of any use to tempt him + into other channels. Better turn to your traveller and let him describe + the different routes to Egyptian Equatorial Provinces, with his own views + thereon. Allow him even to draw a map of Africa with a fork on the + table-cloth. A talker of this kind is too full of his subject to insist + upon answering questions, so that he does not trouble you much. It is his + own dinner that is spoiled rather than yours. Treat in the same way as the + Chamberlain talker the man who sits down beside you and begins, + "Remarkable man, Mr. Gladstone." + </p> + <p> + There was a ventilator in my room, which sometimes said "Crik-crik!" + reminding us that no one had spoken for an hour. Occasionally, however, we + had lapses of speech, when Gilray <span class="pagenum"><a id="page26" + name="page26"></a></span> might tell over again—though not + quite as I mean to tell it—the story of his first pipeful of the + Arcadia, or Scrymgeour, the travelled man, would give us the list of + famous places in Europe where he had smoked. But, as a rule, none of us + paid much attention to what the others said, and after the last pipe the + room emptied—unless Marriot insisted on staying behind to bore me + with his scruples—by first one and then another putting his pipe + into his pocket and walking silently out of the room. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch03-t" id="image-ch03-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch03-t.png" style="width:400px;height:335px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. III." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page27" name="page27"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0004" id="h2HCH0004"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IV. + </h2> + <h3> + MY PIPES. + </h3> + <p> + In a select company of scoffers my brier was known as the Mermaid. The + mouth-piece was a cigarette-holder, and months of unwearied practice were + required before you found the angle at which the bowl did not drop off. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch04-h" id="image-ch04-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch04-h.png" + style="float: right; width:225px;height:364px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. IV. "Oh, see what I have done"" /> This + brings me to one of the many advantages that my brier had over all other + pipes. It has given me a reputation for gallantry, to which without it I + fear I could lay no claim. I used to have a passion for repartee, + especially in the society of ladies. But it is with me as with many other + men of parts whose wit has ever to be fired by a long fuse: my best things + strike me as I wend my way home. This embittered my early days; and not + till the pride of youth had been tamed could I stop to lay in a stock of + repartee on likely subjects the night before. <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page28" name="page28"></a></span> Then my pipe helped me. It + was the apparatus that carried me to my prettiest compliment. Having + exposed my pipe in some prominent place where it could hardly escape + notice, I took measures for insuring a visit from a lady, young, graceful, + accomplished. Or I might have it ready for a chance visitor. On her + arrival, I conducted her to a seat near my pipe. It is not good to hurry + on to the repartee at once; so I talked for a time of the weather, the + theatres, the new novel. I kept my eye on her; and by and by she began to + look about her. She observed the strange-looking pipe. Now is the critical + moment. It is possible that she may pass it by without remark, in which + case all is lost; but experience has shown me that four times out of six + she touches it in assumed horror, to pass some humorous remark. Off + tumbles the bowl. "Oh," she exclaims, "see what I have done! I am so + sorry!" I pull myself together. "Madame," I reply calmly, and bowing low, + "what else was to be expected? You came near my pipe—and it lost its + head." She blushes, but cannot help being pleased; and I set my pipe for + the next visitor. By the help of a note-book, of course, I guarded myself + against paying this very neat compliment to any person more than once. + However, after I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page29" name="page29"></a> + </span> smoked the Arcadia the desire to pay ladies compliments went + from me. + </p> + <p> + Journeying back into the past, I come to a time when my pipe had a + mouth-piece of fine amber. The bowl and the rest of the stem were of + brier, but it was a gentlemanly pipe, without silver mountings. Such + tobacco I revelled in as may have filled the pouch of Pan as he lay + smoking on the mountain-sides. Once I saw a beautiful woman with brown + hair, in and out of which the rays of a morning sun played hide-and-seek, + that might not unworthily have been compared to it. Beguiled by the + exquisite Arcadia, the days and the years passed from me in delicate rings + of smoke, and I contentedly watched them sailing to the skies. How + continuous was the line of those lovely circles, and how straight! One + could have passed an iron rod through them from end to end. But one day I + had a harsh awakening. I bit the amber mouth-piece of my pipe through, and + life was never the same again. + </p> + <p> + It is strange how attached we become to old friends, though they be but + inanimate objects. The old pipe put aside, I turned to a meerschaum, which + had been presented to me years before, with the caution that I must not + smoke it unless I wore kid gloves. There was no savor <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page30" name="page30"></a></span> in that pipe for me. I tried + another brier, and it made me unhappy. Clays would not keep in with me. It + seemed as if they knew I was hankering after the old pipe, and went out in + disgust. Then I got a new amber mouth-piece for my first love. In a week I + had bitten that through too, and in an over-anxious attempt to file off + the ragged edges I broke the screw. Moralists have said that the smoker + who has no thought but for his pipe never breaks it; that it is he only + who while smoking concentrates his mind on some less worthy object that + sends his teeth through the amber. This may be so; for I am a philosopher, + and when working out new theories I may have been careless even of that + which inspired them most. + </p> + <p> + After this second accident nothing went well with me or with my pipe. I + took the mouthpieces out of other pipes and fixed them on to the Mermaid. + In a little while one of them became too wide; another broke as I was + screwing it more firmly in. Then the bowl cracked at the rim and split at + the bottom. This was an annoyance until I found out what was wrong and + plugged up the fissures with sealing-wax. The wax melted and dropped upon + my clothes after a time; but it was easily renewed. + </p> + <p> + It was now that I had the happy thought of <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page31" name="page31"></a></span> bringing a cigarette-holder + to my assistance. But of course one cannot make a pipe-stem out of a + cigarette-holder all at once. The thread you wind round the screw has a + disappointing way of coming undone, when down falls the bowl, with an + escape of sparks. Twisting a piece of paper round the screw is an + improvement; but, until you have acquired the knack, the operation has to + be renewed every time you relight your pipe. This involves a sad loss of + time, and in my case it afforded a butt for the dull wit of visitors. + Otherwise I found it satisfactory, and I was soon astonishingly adept at + making paper screws. Eventually my brier became as serviceable as + formerly, though not, perhaps, so handsome. I fastened on the holder with + sealing-wax, and often a week passed without my having to renew the joint. + </p> + <p> + It was no easy matter lighting a pipe like mine, especially when I had no + matches. I always meant to buy a number of boxes, but somehow I put off + doing it. Occasionally I found a box of vestas on my mantelpiece, which + some caller had left there by mistake, or sympathizing, perhaps, with my + case; but they were such a novelty that I never felt quite at home with + them. Generally I remembered they were there just after my pipe was + lighted. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page32" name="page32"></a></span> When + I kept them in mind and looked forward to using them, they were at the + other side of the room, and it would have been a pity to get up for them. + Besides, the most convenient medium for lighting one's pipe is paper, + after all; and if you have not an old envelope in your pocket, there is + probably a photograph standing on the mantelpiece. It is convenient to + have the magazines lying handy; or a page from a book—hand-made + paper burns beautifully—will do. To be sure, there is the lighting + of your paper. For this your lamp is practically useless, standing in the + middle of the table, while you are in an easy-chair by the fireside; and + as for the tape-and-spark contrivance, it is the introduction of machinery + into the softest joys of life. The fire is best. It is near you, and you + drop your burning spill into it with a minimum waste of energy. The proper + fire for pipes is one in a cheerful blaze. If your spill is carelessly + constructed the flame runs up into your fingers before you know what you + are doing, so that it is as well to marry and get your wife to make spills + for you. Before you begin to smoke, scatter these about the fireplace. + Then you will be able to reach them without rising. The irritating fire is + the one that has burned low—when the coals are more than half + cinders, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page33" name="page33"></a></span> + <a name="image-ch04-1" id="image-ch04-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch04-1.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:653px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""I fell in love with two little meerschaums"" /> cling to + each other in fear of death. With such a fire it is no use attempting to + light a pipe all at once. Your better course now is to drop little bits of + paper into the likely places in the fire, and have a spill ready to apply + to the one that lights first. It is an anxious moment, for they may merely + shrivel up sullenly without catching fire, and in that case some men lose + their tempers. Bad to lose your temper over your pipe—— + </p> + <p> + No pipe really ever rivalled the brier in my affections, though I can + recall a mad month when I fell in love with two little meerschaums, which + I christened Romulus and Remus. They lay together in one case in Regent + Street, and it was with difficulty that I could pass <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page34" name="page34"></a></span> the shop without going in. + Often I took side streets to escape their glances, but at last I asked the + price. It startled me, and I hurried home to the brier. + </p> + <p> + I forget when it was that a sort of compromise struck me. This was that I + should present the pipes to my brother as a birthday gift. Did I really + mean to do this, or was I only trying to cheat my conscience? Who can + tell? I hurried again into Regent Street. There they were, more beautiful + than ever. I hovered about the shop for quite half an hour that day. My + indecision and vacillation were pitiful. Buttoning up my coat, I would + rush from the window, only to find myself back again in five minutes. + Sometimes I had my hand on the shop door. Then I tore it away and hurried + into Oxford Street. Then I slunk back again. Self whispered, "Buy them—for + your brother." Conscience said, "Go home." At last I braced myself up for + a magnificent effort, and jumped into a 'bus bound for London Bridge. This + saved me for the time. + </p> + <p> + I now began to calculate how I could become owner of the meerschaums—prior + to dispatching them by parcel-post to my brother—without paying for + them. That was my way of putting it. I calculated that by giving up my + daily <span class="pagenum"><a id="page35" name="page35"></a></span> + paper I should save thirteen shillings in six months. After all, why + should I take in a daily paper? To read through columns of public speeches + and police cases and murders in Paris is only to squander valuable time. + Now, when I left home I promised my father not to waste my time. My father + had been very good to me; why, then, should I do that which I had promised + him not to do? Then, again, there were the theatres. During the past six + months I had spent several pounds on theatres. Was this right? My mother, + who has never, I think, been in a theatre, strongly advised me against + frequenting such places. I did not take this much to heart at the time. + Theatres did not seem to me to be immoral. But, after all, my mother is + older than I am; and who am I, to set my views up against hers? By + avoiding the theatres for the next six months, I am (already), say, three + pounds to the good. I had been frittering away my money, too, on luxuries; + and luxuries are effeminate. Thinking the matter over temperately and + calmly in that way, I saw that I should be thoughtfully saving money, + instead of spending it, by buying Romulus and Remus, as I already called + them. At the same time, I should be gratifying my father and my mother, + and leading a higher and a nobler life. <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page36" name="page36"></a></span> <a name="image-ch04-2" + id="image-ch04-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch04-2.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:300px;padding:0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Pipes and pouch" /> Even then I do not know that I should have bought + the pipes until the six months were up, had I not been driven to it by + jealousy. On my life, love for a pipe is ever like love for a woman, + though they say it is not so acute. Many a man thinks there is no haste to + propose until he sees a hated rival approaching. Even if he is not in a + hurry for the lady himself, he loathes the idea of her giving herself, in + a moment of madness, to that other fellow. Rather than allow that, he + proposes himself, and so insures her happiness. It was so with me. Romulus + and Remus were taken from the window to show to a black-bearded, swarthy + man, whom I suspected of designs upon them the moment he entered the shop. + Ah, the agony of waiting until he came out! He was not worthy of them. I + never knew how much I loved them until I had nearly lost them. As soon as + he was gone I asked if <span class="pagenum"><a id="page37" name="page37"></a> + </span> he had priced them, and was told that he had. He was to call + again to-morrow. I left a deposit of a guinea, hurried home for more + money, and that night Romulus and Remus were mine. But I never really + loved them as I loved my brier. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch04-t" id="image-ch04-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch04-t.png" style="width:400px;height:307px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. IV." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page38" name="page38"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0005" id="h2HCH0005"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER V. + </h2> + <h3> + MY TOBACCO-POUCH. + </h3> + <p> + I once knew a lady who said of her husband that he looked nice when + sitting with a rug over him. My female relatives seemed to have the same + opinion of my tobacco-pouch; for they <a name="image-ch05-h" + id="image-ch05-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch05-h.png" + style="float:left;width:250px;height:405px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. V. "They ... made tongs of their knitting-needles to lift it"" /> + never saw it, even in my own room, without putting a book or pamphlet over + it. They called it "that thing," and made tongs of their knitting-needles + to lift it; and when I indignantly returned it to my pocket, they raised + their hands to signify that I would not listen to reason. It seemed to + come natural to other persons to present me with new tobacco-pouches, + until I had nearly a score lying neglected in drawers. But I am not the + man to desert an old friend that has been with me everywhere and + thoroughly knows my ways. Once, indeed, <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page39" name="page39"></a></span> I came near to being + unfaithful to my tobacco-pouch, and I mean to tell how—partly as a + punishment to myself. + </p> + <p> + The incident took place several years ago. Gilray and I had set out on a + walking tour of the Shakespeare country; but we separated at Stratford, + which was to be our starting-point, because he would not wait for me. I am + more of a Shakespearian student than Gilray, and Stratford affected me so + much that I passed day after day smoking reverently at the hotel door; + while he, being of the pure tourist type (not that I would say a word + against Gilray), wanted to rush from one place of interest to another. He + did not understand what thoughts came to me as I strolled down the + Stratford streets; and in the hotel, when I lay down on the sofa, he said + I was sleeping, though I was really picturing to myself Shakespeare's + boyhood. Gilray even went the length of arguing that it would not be a + walking tour at all if we never made a start; so, upon the whole, I was + glad when he departed alone. The next day was a memorable one to me. In + the morning I wrote to my London tobacconist for more Arcadia. I had + quarrelled with both of the Stratford tobacconists. The one of them, as + soon as he saw my tobacco-pouch, almost compelled me to buy <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page40" name="page40"></a></span> a new one. + The second was even more annoying. I paid with a half-sovereign for the + tobacco I had got from him; but after gazing at the pouch he became + suspicious of the coin, and asked if I could not pay him in silver. An + insult to my pouch I considered an insult to myself; so I returned to + those shops no more. The evening of the day on which I wrote to London for + tobacco brought me a letter from home saying that my sister was seriously + ill. I had left her in good health, so that the news was the more + distressing. Of course I returned home by the first train. Sitting alone + in a dull railway compartment, my heart was filled with tenderness, and I + recalled the occasions on which I had carelessly given her pain. Suddenly + I remembered that more than once she had besought me with tears in her + eyes to fling away my old tobacco-pouch. She had always said that it was + not respectable. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page41" name="page41"></a> + </span> In the bitterness of self-reproach I pulled the pouch from my + pocket, asking myself whether, after all, the love of a good woman was not + a far more precious possession. Without giving myself time to hesitate, I + stood up and firmly cast my old pouch out at the window. I saw it fall at + the foot of a fence. The train shot on. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch05-1" id="image-ch05-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter" style="padding: 0em; margin: 1em 0em 1em 0em;"> + <img src="images/ch05-1.png" style="width: 100%;clear:both;" + alt=""I ... cast my old pouch out at the window"" /> + </div> + <p> + By the time I reached home my sister had been pronounced out of danger. Of + course I was much relieved to hear it, but at the same time this was a + lesson to me not to act rashly. The retention of my tobacco-pouch would + not have retarded her recovery, and I could not help picturing my pouch, + my oldest friend in the world, lying at the foot of that fence. I saw that + I had done wrong in casting it from me. I had not even the consolation of + feeling that if any one found it he would cherish it, for it was so much + damaged that I knew it could never appeal to a new owner as it appealed to + me. I had intended telling my sister of the sacrifice <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page42" name="page42"></a></span> made for her sake; but after + seeing her so much better, I left the room without doing so. There was + Arcadia Mixture in the house, but I had not the heart to smoke. I went + early to bed, and fell into a troubled sleep, from which I awoke with a + shiver. The rain was driving against my window, tapping noisily on it as + if calling on me to awake and go back for my tobacco-pouch. It rained far + on into the morning, and I lay miserably, seeing nothing before me but a + wet fence, and a tobacco-pouch among the grass at the foot of it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch05-2" id="image-ch05-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch05-2.png" + style="float: left; width:150px;height:189px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Pouch" /> On the following afternoon I was again at Stratford. So far + as I could remember, I had flung away the pouch within a few miles of the + station; but I did not look for it until dusk. I felt that the porters had + their eyes on me. By crouching along hedges I at last reached the railway + a mile or two from the station, and began my search. It may be thought + that the chances were against my finding the pouch; but I recovered it + without much difficulty. The scene as I flung my old friend out at the + window had burned itself into my brain, and I could go to the spot to-day + as readily as I went on that occasion. There it was, lying among the + grass, but not quite in the place where it had fallen. Apparently some + navvy had found <span class="pagenum"><a id="page43" name="page43"></a> + </span> it, looked at it, and then dropped it. It was half-full of + water, and here and there it was sticking together; but I took it up + tenderly, and several times on the way back to the station I felt in my + pocket to make sure that it was really there. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch05-3" id="image-ch05-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch05-3a.png" + style="float:right;width:200px;height:219px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""It never quite recovered from its night in the rain"" /> + <img src="images/ch05-3b.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:133px;height:125px;padding:0;margin:0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""It never quite recovered from its night in the rain"" /> I + have not described the appearance of my pouch, feeling that to be + unnecessary. It never, I fear, quite recovered from its night in the rain, + and as my female relatives refused to touch it, I had to sew it together + now and then myself. Gilray used to boast of a way of mending a hole in a + tobacco-pouch that was better than sewing. You put the two pieces of + gutta-percha close together and then cut them sharply with scissors. This + makes them run together, he says, and I believed him until he experimented + upon my pouch. However, I did not object to a hole here and there. + Wherever I laid that pouch it left a small deposit of tobacco, and thus I + could <span class="pagenum"><a id="page44" name="page44"></a></span> + generally get together a pipeful at times when other persons would be + destitute. I never told my sister that my pouch was once all but lost, but + ever after that, when she complained that I had never even tried to do + without it, I smiled tenderly. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch05-t" id="image-ch05-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch05-t.png" style="width:400px;height:103px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. V." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page45" name="page45"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0006" id="h2HCH0006"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VI. + </h2> + <h3> + MY SMOKING-TABLE. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch06-h" id="image-ch06-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch06-h.png" + style="float: right;width:150px;height:442px;padding:0; margin:0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap VI. "My Smoking-Table"" /> Had it not been + for a bootblack at Charing Cross I should probably never have bought the + smoking-table. I had to pass that boy every morning. In vain did I scowl + at him, or pass with my head to the side. He always pointed derisively (as + I thought) at my boots. Probably my boots were speckless, but that made no + difference; he jeered and sneered. I have never hated any one as I loathed + that boy, and to escape him I took to going round by the Lowther Arcade. + It was here that my eye fell on the smoking-table. In the Lowther Arcade, + if the attendants catch you looking <span class="pagenum"><a id="page46" + name="page46"></a></span> at any article for a fraction of a + second, it is done up in brown paper, you have paid your money, and they + have taken down your address before you realize that you don't want + anything. In this way I became the owner of my smoking-table, and when I + saw it in a brown-paper parcel on my return to my chambers I could not + think what it was until I cut the strings. Such a little gem of a table no + smokers should be without; and I am not ashamed to say that I was in love + with mine as soon as I had fixed the pieces together. It was of walnut, + and consisted mainly of a stalk and two round slabs not much bigger than + dinner-plates. There were holes in the centre of these slabs for the stalk + to go through, and the one slab stood two feet from the floor, the other a + foot higher. The lower slab was fitted with a walnut tobacco-jar and a + pipe-rack, while on the upper slab were exquisite little recesses for + cigars, cigarettes, matches, and ashes. These held respectively three + cigars, two cigarettes, and four wax vestas. The smoking-table was an + ornament to any room; and the first night I had it I raised my eyes from + my book to look at it every few minutes. I got all my pipes together and + put them in the rack; I filled the jar with tobacco, the recesses with + three cigars, two cigarettes, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page47" + name="page47"></a></span> and four matches; and then I thought I + would have a smoke. I swept my hand confidently along the mantelpiece, but + it did not stop at a pipe. I rose and looked for a pipe. I had half a + dozen, but not one was to be seen—none on the mantelpiece, none on + the window-sill, none on the hearth-rug, none being used as book-markers. + I tugged at the bell till William John came in quaking, and then I asked + him fiercely what he had done with my pipes. I was so obviously not to be + trifled with that William John, as we called him, because some thought his + name was William, while others thought it was John, very soon handed me my + favorite pipe, which he found in the rack on the smoking-table. This + incident illustrates one of the very few drawbacks of smoking-tables. Not + being used to them, you forget about them. William John, however, took the + greatest pride in the table, and whenever he saw a pipe lying on the rug + he pounced upon it and placed it, like a prisoner, in the rack. He was + also most particular about the three cigars, the two cigarettes, and the + four wax vestas, keeping them carefully in the proper compartments, where, + unfortunately, I seldom thought of looking for them. + </p> + <p> + The fatal defect of the smoking-table, however, <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page48" name="page48"></a></span> <a name="image-ch06-1" + id="image-ch06-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch06-1.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:418px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally"" /> was that + it was generally rolling about the floor—the stalk in one corner, + the slabs here and there, the cigars on the rug to be trampled on, the lid + of the tobacco-jar beneath a chair. Every morning William John had to put + the table together. Sometimes I had knocked it over accidentally. I would + fling a crumpled piece of paper into the waste-paper basket. It missed the + basket but hit the smoking-table, which went down like a wooden soldier. + When my fire went out, just because I had taken my eyes off it for a + moment, I called it names and flung the tongs at it. There was a crash—the + smoking-table again. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page49" name="page49"></a> + </span> In time I might have remedied this; but there is one weakness + which I could not stand in any smoking-table. A smoking-table ought to be + so constructed that from where you are sitting you can stretch out your + feet, twist them round the stalk, and so lift the table to the spot where + it will be handiest. This my smoking-table would never do. The moment I + had it in the air it wanted to stand on its head. + </p> + <p> + Though I still admired smoking-tables as much as ever, I began to want + very much to give this one away. The difficulty was not so much to know + whom to give it to as how to tie it up. My brother was the very person, + for I owed him a letter, and this, I thought, would do instead. For a + month I meant to pack the table up and send it to him; but I always put + off doing it, and at last I thought the best plan would be to give it to + Scrymgeour, who liked elegant furniture. As a smoker, Scrymgeour seemed + the very man to appreciate a pretty, useful little table. Besides, all I + had to do was to send William John down with it. Scrymgeour was out at the + time; but we left it at the side of his fireplace as a pleasant surprise. + Next morning, to my indignation, it was back at the side of my fireplace, + and in the evening Scrymgeour came and upbraided me for trying, <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page50" name="page50"></a></span> as he most + unworthily expressed it, "to palm the thing off on him." He was no sooner + gone than I took the table to pieces to send it to my brother. I tied the + stalk up in brown paper, meaning to get a box for the other parts. William + John sent off the stalk, and for some days the other pieces littered the + floor. My brother wrote me saying he had received something from me, for + which his best thanks; but would I tell him what it was, as it puzzled + everybody? This was his impatient way; but I made an effort, and sent off + the other pieces to him in a hat-box. + </p> + <p> + That was a year ago, and since then I have only heard the history of the + smoking-table in fragments. My brother liked it immensely; but he thought + it was too luxurious for a married man, so he sent it to Reynolds, in + Edinburgh. Not knowing Reynolds, I cannot say what his opinion was; but + soon afterward I heard of its being in the possession of Grayson, who was + charmed with it, but gave it to Pelle, because it was hardly in its place + in a bachelor's establishment. Later a town man sent it to a country + gentleman as just the thing for the country; and it was afterward in + Liverpool as the very thing for a town. There I thought it was lost, so + far as I was concerned. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page51" name="page51"></a> + </span> One day, however, Boyd, a friend of mine who lives in Glasgow, + came to me for a week, and about six hours afterward he said that he had a + present for me. He brought it into my sitting-room—a bulky parcel—and + while he was undoing the cords he told me it was something quite novel; he + had bought it in Glasgow the day before. When I saw a walnut leg I + started; in another two minutes I was trying to thank Boyd for my own + smoking-table. I recognized it by the dents. I was too much the gentleman + to insist on an explanation from Boyd; but, though it seems a harsh thing + to say, my opinion is that these different persons gave the table away + because they wanted to get rid of it. William John has it now. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch06-t" id="image-ch06-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch06-t.png" style="width:400px;height:290px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. VI." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page52" name="page52"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0007" id="h2HCH0007"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER VII. + </h2> + <h3> + GILRAY. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch07-h" id="image-ch07-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch07-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:424px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="|Headpiece Chap. VII. "We met first in the Merediths' house-boat"" /> + <img src="images/ch07-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:341px;height:119px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="|Headpiece Chap. VII. "We met first in the Merediths' house-boat"" /> + Gilray is an actor, whose life I may be said to have strangely influenced, + for it was I who brought him and the Arcadia Mixture together. After that + his coming to live on our stair was only a matter of rooms being vacant. + </p> + <p> + We met first in the Merediths' house-boat, the <i>Tawny Owl</i>, which was + then lying at Molesey. Gilray, as I soon saw, was a man trying to be + miserable, and finding it the hardest task in life. It is strange that the + philosophers have never hit upon this profound truth. No man ever tried + harder to be unhappy than Gilray; but the luck was <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page53" name="page53"></a></span> against him, and he was + always forgetting himself. Mark Tapley succeeded in being jolly in adverse + circumstances; Gilray failed, on the whole, in being miserable in a + delightful house-boat. It is, however, so much more difficult to keep up + misery than jollity that I like to think of his attempt as what the + dramatic critics call a <i>succès d'estime</i>. + </p> + <p> + The <i>Tawny Owl</i> lay on the far side of the island. There were ladies + in it; and Gilray's misery was meant to date from the moment when he asked + one of them a question, and she said "No." Gilray was strangely unlucky + during the whole of his time on board. His evil genius was there, though + there was very little room for him, and played sad pranks. Up to the time + of his asking the question referred to, Gilray meant to create a pleasant + impression by being jolly, and he only succeeded in being as depressing as + Jaques. Afterward he was to be unutterably miserable; and it was all he + could do to keep himself at times from whirling about in waltz tune. But + then the nearest boat had a piano on board, and some one was constantly + playing dance music. Gilray had an idea that it would have been the proper + thing to leave Molesey when she said "No;" and he would have done so had + not the barbel-fishing been <span class="pagenum"><a id="page54" + name="page54"></a></span> so good. The barbel-fishing was + altogether unfortunate—at least Gilray's passion for it was. I have + thought—and so sometimes has Gilray—that if it had not been + for a barbel she might not have said "No." He was fishing from the + house-boat when he asked the question. You know how you fish from a + house-boat. The line is flung into the water and the rod laid down on + deck. You keep an eye on it. Barbel-fishing, in fact, reminds one of the + independent sort of man who is quite willing to play host to you, but + wishes you clearly to understand at the same time that he can do without + you. "Glad to see you with us if you have nothing better to do; but please + yourself," is what he says to his friends. This is also the form of + invitation to barbel. Now it happened that she and Gilray were left alone + in the house-boat. It was evening; some Chinese lanterns had been lighted, + and Gilray, though you would not think it to look at him, is romantic. He + cast his line, and, turning to his companion, asked her the question. From + what he has told me he asked it very properly, and all seemed to be going + well. She turned away her head (which is said not to be a bad sign) and + had begun to reply, when a woful thing happened. The line stiffened, and + there was a whirl of the reel. Who can withstand <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page55" name="page55"></a></span> that music? You can ask a + question at any time, but, even at Molesey, barbel are only to be got now + and then. Gilray rushed to his rod and began playing the fish. He called + to his companion to get the landing-net. She did so; and after playing his + barbel for ten minutes Gilray landed it. Then he turned to her again, and + she said, "No." + </p> + <p> + Gilray sees now that he made a mistake in not departing that night by the + last train. He overestimated his strength. However, we had something to do + with his staying on, and he persuaded himself that he remained just to + show her that she had ruined his life. Once, I believe, he repeated his + question; but in reply she only asked him if he had caught any more + barbel. Considering the surprisingly fine weather, the barbel-fishing, and + the piano on the other boat, Gilray was perhaps as miserable as could + reasonably have been expected. Where he ought to have scored best, + however, he was most unlucky. She had a hammock swung between two trees, + close to the boat, and there she lay, holding a novel in her hand. From + the hammock she had a fine view of the deck, and this was Gilray's chance. + As soon as he saw her comfortably settled, he pulled a long face and + climbed on deck. There he walked up and <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page56" name="page56"></a></span> down, trying to look the + image of despair. When she made some remark to him, his plan was to show + that, though he answered cordially, his cheerfulness was the result of a + terrible inward struggle. He did contrive to accomplish this if he was + waiting for her observation; but she sometimes took him unawares, starting + a subject in which he was interested. Then, forgetting his character, he + would talk eagerly or jest with her across the strip of water, until with + a start he remembered what he had become. He would seek to recover himself + after that; but of course it was too late to create a really lasting + impression. Even when she left him alone, watching him, I fear, over the + top of her novel, he disappointed himself. For five minutes or so + everything would go well; he looked as dejected as possible; but as he + fell he was succeeding he became so self-satisfied that he began to strut. + A pleased expression crossed his face, and instead of allowing his head to + hang dismally, he put it well back. Sometimes, when we wanted to please + him, we said he looked as glum as a mute at a funeral. Even that, however, + defeated his object, for it flattered him so much that he smiled with + gratification. + </p> + <p> + Gilray made one great sacrifice by giving up <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page57" name="page57"></a></span> smoking, though not indeed + such a sacrifice as mine, for up to this time he did not know the Arcadia + Mixture. Perhaps the only time he really did look as miserable as he + wished was <a name="image-ch07-1" id="image-ch07-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch07-1a.png" + style="float: right; width:137px; padding: 0; margin:.5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the air,'"" /> + <img src="images/ch07-1b.png" + style="float: right; clear:right; width:200px; padding:0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""He 'strode away blowing great clouds into the air,'"" /> + late at night when we men sat up for a second last pipe before turning in. + He looked wistfully at us from a corner. Yet as She had gone to rest, + cruel fate made this of little account. His gloomy face saddened us too, + and we tried to entice him to shame by promising not to mention it to the + ladies. He almost yielded, and showed us that while we smoked he had been + holding his empty brier in his right hand. For a moment he hesitated, then + said fiercely that he did not care for smoking. Next night he was shown a + novel, the hero of which had been "refused." Though the lady's + hard-heartedness had a terrible effect on this fine fellow, he "strode + away blowing great clouds into the air." "Standing there smoking in the + moonlight," the authoress says in her next chapter, "De Courcy was a + strangely romantic figure. He looked like a man who had done everything, + who had been through the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page58" name="page58"></a> + </span> furnace and had not come out of it unscathed." This was + precisely what Gilray wanted to look like. Again he hesitated, and then + put his pipe in his pocket. + </p> + <p> + It was now that I approached him with the Arcadia Mixture. I seldom + recommend the Arcadia to men whom I do not know intimately, lest in the + after-years I should find them unworthy of it. But just as Aladdin + doubtless rubbed his lamp at times for show, there were occasions when I + was ostentatiously liberal. If, after trying the Arcadia, the lucky smoker + to whom I presented it did not start or seize my hand, or otherwise show + that something exquisite had come into his life, I at once forgot his name + and his existence. I approached Gilray, then, and without a word handed + him my pouch, while the others drew nearer. Nothing was to be heard but + the water oozing out and in beneath the house-boat. Gilray pushed the + tobacco from him, as he might have pushed a bag of diamonds that he + mistook for pebbles. I placed it against his arm, and motioned to the + others not to look. Then I sat down beside Gilray, and almost smoked into + his eyes. Soon the aroma reached him, and rapture struggled into his face. + Slowly his fingers fastened on the pouch. He filled his pipe without + knowing <span class="pagenum"><a id="page59" name="page59"></a></span> + what he was doing, and I handed him a lighted spill. He took perhaps three + puffs, and then gave me a look of reverence that I know well. It only + comes to a man once in all its glory—the first time he tries the + Arcadia Mixture—but it never altogether leaves him. + </p> + <p> + "Where do you get it?" Gilray whispered, in hoarse delight. + </p> + <p> + The Arcadia had him for its own. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch07-t" id="image-ch07-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch07-t.png" style="width:400px;height:407px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. VII. "The Arcadia had him for its own"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page60" name="page60"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0008" id="h2HCH0008"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch08-h" id="image-ch08-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:left; width:322px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. VIII. "I let him talk on"" /> <img + src="images/ch08-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left; width:150px; padding:0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. VIII. "I let him talk on"" /> + </p> + <p> + + </p> + <h2> + CHAPTER VIII. + </h2> + <h3> + MARRIOT. + </h3> + <p> + + </p> + <p> + I have hinted that Marriot was our sentimental member. He was seldom + sentimental until after midnight, and then only when he and I were alone. + Why he should have chosen me as the pail into which to pour his troubles I + cannot say. I let him talk on, and when he had ended I showed him plainly + that I had been thinking most of the time about something else. Whether + Marriot was entirely a humbug or the most conscientious person on our + stair, readers may decide. He was fond of argument if you did not answer + him, and often wanted me to tell him if I thought he was in love; if so, + why did I think so; if not, why not. What makes me on reflection fancy + that he was sincere is that in his statements he would let his pipe go + out. + </p> + <p> + Of course I cannot give his words, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page61" + name="page61"></a></span> but he would wait till all my other + guests had gone, then softly lock the door, and returning to the cane + chair empty himself in some such way as this: + </p> + <p> + "I have something I want to talk to you about. Pass me a spill. Well, it + is this. Before I came to your rooms to-night I was cleaning my pipe, when + all at once it struck me that I might be in love. This is the kind of + shock that pulls a man up and together. My first thought was, if it be + love, well and good; I shall go on. As a gentleman I know my duty both to + her and to myself. At present, however, I am not certain which she is. In + love there are no degrees; of that at least I feel positive. It is a + tempestuous, surging passion, or it is nothing. The question for me, + therefore, is, Is this the beginning of a tempestuous, surging passion? + But stop; does such a passion have a beginning? Should it not be in flood + before we know what we are about? I don't want you to answer. + </p> + <p> + "One of my difficulties is that I cannot reason from experience. I cannot + say to myself, During the spring of 1886, and again in October, 1888, your + breast has known the insurgence of a tempestuous passion. Do you now note + the same symptoms? Have you experienced a <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page62" name="page62"></a></span> sudden sinking at the heart, + followed by thrills of exultation? Now I cannot even say that my appetite + has fallen off, but I am smoking <a name="image-ch08-1" id="image-ch08-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-1.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:59px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> more than ever, and it is notorious that I + experience sudden chills and thrills. Is this passion? No, I am not done; + I have only begun. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch08-2" id="image-ch08-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-2.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:74px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> "In 'As You Like It,' you remember, the + love symptoms are described at length. But is <i>Rosalind</i> to be taken + seriously? Besides, though she wore boy's clothes, she had only the + woman's point of view. I have consulted Stevenson's chapters on love in + his delightful 'Virginibus Puerisque,' and one of them says, 'Certainly, + if I could help it, I would never marry a wife who wrote.' Then I noticed + a book published after that one, and entitled 'The New Arabian Nights, by + Mr. and Mrs. Robert Louis Stevenson.' I shut 'Virginibus Puerisque' with a + sigh, and put it away. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch08-3" id="image-ch08-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-3.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:124px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> "But this inquiry need not, I feel + confident, lead to nothing. Negatively I know love; for I do not require + to be told what it is not, and I have my ideal. Putting my knowledge <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page63" name="page63"></a></span> together + and surveying it dispassionately in the mass, I am inclined to think that + this is really love. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch08-4" id="image-ch08-4"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-4.png" + style="float:right;width:50px;height:225px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> "I may lay down as Proposition I. that + surging, tempestuous passion comes involuntarily. You are heart-whole, + when, as it were, the gates of your bosom open, in she sweeps, and the + gates close. So far this is a faithful description of my case. Whatever it + is, it came without any desire or volition on my part, and it looks as if + it meant to stay. What I ask myself is—first, What is it? secondly, + Where is it? thirdly, Who is it? and fourthly, What shall I do with it? I + have thus my work cut out for me. + </p> + <p> + "What is it? I reply that I am stumped at once, unless I am allowed to <a + name="image-ch08-5" id="image-ch08-5"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-5.png" + style="float:left;width:200px;height:34px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> fix upon an object definitely and + precisely. This, no doubt, is arguing in a circle; but Descartes himself + assumed what he was to try to prove. This, then, being permitted, I have + chosen my object, and we can now go on again. What is it? Some might <a + name="image-ch08-6" id="image-ch08-6"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-6.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:55px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Pipes and jar of spills" /> evade the difficulty by taking a middle + course. You are not, they might say, in love <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page64" name="page64"></a></span> as yet, but you are on the + brink of it. The lady is no idol to you at present, but neither is she + indifferent. You would not walk four miles in wet weather to get a rose + from her; but if she did present you with a rose, you would not wittingly + drop it down an area. In short, you have all but lost your heart. To this + I reply simply, love is not a process, it is an event. You may + unconsciously be on the brink of it, when all at once the ground gives way + beneath you, and in you go. The difference between love and not-love, if I + may be allowed the word, being so wide, my inquiry should produce decisive + results. On the whole, therefore, and in the absence of direct proof to + the contrary, I believe that the passion of love does possess me. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch08-7" id="image-ch08-7"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch08-7.png" style="width:400px;height:152px;" + alt="Tray of pipes and cigars" /> + </div> + <p> + "Where is it? This is the simplest question of the four. It is in the + heart. It fills the heart to overflowing, so that if there were one drop + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page65" name="page65"></a></span> more + the heart would run over. Love is thus plainly a liquid: which accounts to + some extent for its well-recognized habit of surging. Among its effects + this may be noted: that it makes you miserable if you be not by the loved + one's side. To hold her hand is ecstasy, to press it, rapture. The fond + lover—as it might be myself—sees his beloved depart on a + railway journey with apprehension. He never ceases to remember that + engines burst and trains run off the line. In an agony he awaits the + telegram that tells him she has reached Shepherd's Bush in safety. When he + sees her talking, as if she liked it, to another man, he is torn, he is + rent asunder, he is dismembered by jealousy. He walks beneath her window + till the policeman sees him home; and when he wakes in the morning, it is + to murmur her name to himself until he falls asleep again and is late for + the office. Well, do I experience such sensations, or do I not? Is this + love, after all? Where are the spills? + </p> + <p> + "I have been taking for granted that I know who it is. But is this wise? + Nothing puzzles me so much as the way some men seem to know, by intuition, + as it were, which is the woman for whom they have a passion. They take a + girl from among their acquaintance, and never seem to understand that they + may be taking <span class="pagenum"><a id="page66" name="page66"></a> + </span> the wrong one. However, with certain reservations, I do not + think I go too far in saying that I know who she is. There is one other, + indeed, that I have sometimes thought—but it fortunately happens + that they are related, so that in any case I cannot go far wrong. After I + have seen them again, or at least before I propose, I shall decide + definitely on this point. + </p> + <p> + "We have now advanced as far as Query IV. Now, what is to be done? Let us + consider this calmly. In the first place, have I any option in the matter, + or is love a hurricane that carries one hither and thither as a bottle is + tossed in a chopping sea? I reply that it all depends on myself. Rosalind + would say no; that we are without control over love. But Rosalind was a + woman. It is probably true that a woman cannot conquer love. Man, being + her ideal in the abstract, is irresistible to her in the concrete. But + man, being an intellectual creature, can make a magnificent effort and + cast love out. Should I think it advisable, I do not question my ability + to open the gates of my heart and bid her go. That would be a serious + thing for her; and, as man is powerful, so, I think, should he be + merciful. She has, no doubt, gained admittance, as it were, furtively; but + can I, as a gentleman, send away a weak, confiding woman who loves me + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page67" name="page67"></a></span> + simply because she cannot help it? Nay, more, in a pathetic case of this + kind, have I not a certain responsibility? Does not her attachment to me + give her a claim upon me? She saw me, and love came to her. She looks upon + me as the noblest and best of my sex. I do not say I am; it may be that I + am not. But I have the child's happiness in my hands; can I trample it + beneath my feet? It seems to be my plain duty to take her to me. + </p> + <p> + "But there are others to consider. For me, would it not be the better part + to show her that the greatest happiness of the greatest number should be + my first consideration? Certainly there is nothing in a man I despise more + than conceit in affairs of this sort. When I hear one of my sex boasting + of his 'conquests,' I turn from him in disgust. 'Conquest' implies effort; + and to lay one's self out for victories over the other sex always reminds + me of pigeon-shooting. On the other hand, we must make allowances for our + position of advantage. These little ones come into contact with us; they + see us, athletic, beautiful, in the hunting-field or at the wicket; they + sit beside us at dinner and listen to our brilliant conversation. They + have met us, and the mischief is done. Every man—except, perhaps, + yourself and Jimmy—knows <span class="pagenum"><a id="page68" + name="page68"></a></span> the names of a few dear girls who have + lost their hearts to him—some more, some less. I do not pretend to + be in a different position from my neighbors, or in a better one. To some + <a name="image-ch08-8" id="image-ch08-8"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch08-8.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:273px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""I would ... light him to his sleeping-chamber with a spill"" /> + slight extent I may be to blame. But, after all, when a man sees cheeks + redden and eyes brighten at his approach, he loses prudence. At the time + he does not think what may be the consequences. But the day comes when he + sees that he must take heed what he is about. He communes with himself + about the future, and if he be a man of honor he maps out in his mind the + several courses it is allowed him to follow, and chooses that one which he + may tread with least pain to others. May that day for introspection come + to few as it has <span class="pagenum"><a id="page69" name="page69"></a> + </span> come to me. Love is, indeed, a madness in the brain. + Good-night." + </p> + <p> + When he finished I would wake up, open the door for Marriot, and light him + to his sleeping-chamber with a spill. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch08-t" id="image-ch08-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch08-t.png" style="width:400px;height:102px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. VIII." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page70" name="page70"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0009" id="h2HCH0009"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch09-h" id="image-ch09-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch09-h.png" style="width:400px;height:260px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. IX. "The stem was a long cherry-wood"" /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER IX. + </h2> + <h3> + JIMMY. + </h3> + <p> + With the exception of myself, Jimmy Moggridge was no doubt the most silent + of the company that met so frequently in my rooms. Just as Marriot's + eyebrows rose if the cane chair was not empty when he strode in, Jimmy + held that he had a right to the hearth-rug, on which he loved to lie + prone, his back turned to the company and his eyes on his pipe. The stem + was a long cherry-wood, but the bowl was meerschaum, and Jimmy, as he + smoked, lay on the alert, as it were, to see the meerschaum coloring. + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page71" name="page71"></a></span> So + one may strain his eyes with intent eagerness until he can catch the + hour-hand of a watch in action. With tobacco in his pocket Jimmy could + refill his pipe without moving, <a name="image-ch09-1" id="image-ch09-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch09-1.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:262px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""In time ... the Arcadia Mixture made him more and more like the rest of us"" /> + but sometimes he crawled along the hearth-rug to let the fire-light play + more exquisitely on his meerschaum bowl. In time, of course, the Arcadia + Mixture made him more and more like the rest of us, but he retained his + individuality until he let his bowl fall off. Otherwise he only differed + from us in one way. When he saw a match-box he always extracted a few + matches and put them dreamily into his pocket. There were times when, with + a sharp blow on Jimmy's person, we could doubtless have had him blazing + like a chandelier. + </p> + <p> + Jimmy was a barrister—though this is scarcely worth mentioning—and + it had been known to us for years that he made a living by <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page72" name="page72"></a></span> + contributing to the <i>Saturday Review</i>. How the secret leaked out I + cannot say with certainty. Jimmy never forced it upon us, and I cannot + remember any paragraphs in the London correspondence of the provincial + papers coupling his name with <i>Saturday</i> articles. On the other hand, + I distinctly recall having to wait one day in his chambers while Jimmy was + shaving, and noticing accidentally a long, bulky envelope on his table, + with the <i>Saturday Review's</i> mystic crest on it. It was addressed to + Jimmy, and contained, I concluded, a bundle of proofs. That was so long + ago as 1885. If further evidence is required, there is the undoubted fact, + to which several of us could take oath, that, at Oxford, Jimmy was + notorious for his sarcastic pen—nearly being sent down, indeed, for + the same. Again, there was the certainty that for years Jimmy had been + engaged upon literary work of some kind. We had been with him buying the + largest-sized scribbling paper in the market; we had heard him muttering + to himself as if in pain: and we had seen him correcting proof-sheets. + When we caught him at them he always thrust the proofs into a drawer which + he locked by putting his leg on it—for the ordinary lock was broken—and + remaining in that position till we had retired. Though he rather <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page73" name="page73"></a></span> shunned + the subject as a rule, he admitted to us that the work was journalism and + not a sarcastic history of the nineteenth century, on which we felt he + would come out strong. Lastly, Jimmy had lost the brightness of his youth, + and was become silent and moody, which is well known to be the result of + writing satire. + </p> + <p> + Were it not so notorious that the thousands who write regularly for the <i>Saturday</i> + have reasons of their own for keeping it dark and merely admitting the + impeachment with a nod or smile, we might have marvelled at Jimmy's + reticence. There were, however, moments when he thawed so far as + practically to allow, and every one knows what that means, that the <i>Saturday</i> + was his chief source of income. "Only," he would add, "should you be + acquainted with the editor, don't mention my contributions to him." From + this we saw that Jimmy and the editor had an understanding on the subject, + though we were never agreed which of them it was who had sworn the other + to secrecy. We were proud of Jimmy's connection with the press, and every + week we discussed his latest article. Jimmy never told us, except in a + roundabout way, which were his articles; but we knew his style, and it was + quite exhilarating to pick out his contributions week by week. We were + never baffled, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page74" name="page74"></a> + </span> <a name="image-ch09-2" id="image-ch09-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch09-2.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:470px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;" + alt=""A score of smaller letters were tumbling about my feet"" /> + for "Jimmy's touches" were unmistakable; and "Have you seen Jimmy this + week in the <i>Saturday</i> on Lewis Morris?" or, "I say, do you think + Buchanan knows it was Jimmy who wrote that?" was what we said when we had + lighted our pipes. + </p> + <p> + Now I come to the incident that drew from Jimmy his extraordinary + statement. I was smoking with him in his rooms one evening, when a clatter + at his door was followed by a thud on the floor. I knew as well as Jimmy + what had happened. In his pre-<i>Saturday</i> days he had no letter-box, + only a slit in the door; and through this we used to denounce him on + certain occasions when we called and he would not let us in. Lately, + however, he had fitted up a letter-box himself, which kept together if you + opened the door gently, but came clattering to the floor under <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page75" name="page75"></a></span> the weight + of heavy letters. The letter to which it had succumbed this evening was + quite a package, and could even have been used as a missile. Jimmy + snatched it up quickly, evidently knowing the contents by their bulk; and + I was just saying to myself, "More proofs from the <i>Saturday</i>," when + the letter burst at the bottom, and in a moment a score of smaller letters + were tumbling about my feet. In vain did Jimmy entreat me to let him + gather them up. I helped, and saw, to my bewilderment, that all the + letters were addressed in childish hands to "Uncle Jim, care of Editor of + <i>Mothers Pets</i>." It was impossible that Jimmy could have so many + nephews and nieces. + </p> + <p> + Seeing that I had him, Jimmy advanced to the hearth-rug as if about to + make his statement; then changed his mind and, thrusting a dozen of the + letters into my hands, invited me to read. The first letter ran: "Dearest + Uncle Jim,—I must tell you about my canary. I love my canary very + much. It is a yellow canary, and it sings so sweetly. I keep it in a cage, + and it is so tame. Mamma and me wishes you would come and see us and our + canary. Dear Uncle Jim, I love you.—Your little friend, Milly (aged + four years)." Here is the second: "Dear Uncle Jim,—You will want to + know <span class="pagenum"><a id="page76" name="page76"></a></span> + about my blackbird. It sits in a tree and picks up the crumbs on the + window, and Thomas wants to shoot it for eating the cherries; but I won't + let Thomas shoot it, for it is a nice blackbird, and I have wrote all this + myself.—Your loving little Bobby (aged five years)." In another, + Jacky (aged four and a half) described his parrot, and I have also vague + recollections of Harry (aged six) on his chaffinch, and Archie (five) on + his linnet. "What does it mean?" I demanded of Jimmy, who, while I read, + had been smoking savagely. "Don't you see that they are in for the prize?" + he growled. Then he made his statement. + </p> + <p> + "I have never," Jimmy said, "contributed to the <i>Saturday</i>, nor, + indeed, to any well-known paper. That, however, was only because the + editors would not meet me half-way. After many disappointments, fortune—whether + good or bad I cannot say—introduced me to the editor of <i>Mothers + Pets</i>, a weekly journal whose title sufficiently suggests its + character. Though you may never have heard of it, <i>Mothers Pets</i> has + a wide circulation and is a great property. I was asked to join the staff + under the name of 'Uncle Jim,' and did not see my way to refuse. I + inaugurated a new feature. Mothers' pets were cordially invited to + correspond with me on <span class="pagenum"><a id="page77" name="page77"></a> + </span> topics to be suggested week by week, and prizes were to be + given for the best letters. This feature has been an enormous success, and + I get the most affectionate letters from mothers, consulting me about + teething and the like, every week. They say that I am dearer to their + children than most real uncles, and they often urge me to go and stay with + them. There are lots of kisses awaiting me. I also get similar invitations + from the little beasts themselves. Pass the Arcadia." + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch09-t" id="image-ch09-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch09-t.png" style="width:400px;height:555px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. IX. "Mothers' pets"" /> + </div> + <!-- <hr class="full" /> --> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page78" name="page78"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0010" id="h2HCH0010"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch10-h" id="image-ch10-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch10-h.png" style="width:400px;height:537px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. X. "Scrymgeour was an artist"" /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER X. + </h2> + <h3> + SCRYMGEOUR. + </h3> + <p> + Scrymgeour was an artist and a man of means, so proud of his profession + that he gave all his pictures fancy prices, and so wealthy that he could + have bought them. To him I went when I wanted money—though it must + not be thought that I borrowed. In the days of the Arcadia Mixture I had + no bank account. As <span class="pagenum"><a id="page79" name="page79"></a> + </span> my checks dribbled in I stuffed them into a torn leather case + that was kept together by a piece of twine, and when Want tapped at my + chamber door, I drew out the check that seemed most willing to come, and + exchanged with Scrymgeour. In his detestation of argument Scrymgeour + resembled myself, but otherwise we differed as much as men may differ who + smoke the Arcadia. He read little, yet surprised us by a smattering of + knowledge about all important books that had been out for a few months, + until we discovered that he got his information from a friend in India. He + had also, I remember, a romantic notion that Africa might be civilized by + the Arcadia Mixture. As I shall explain presently, his devotion to the + Arcadia very nearly married him against his will; but first I must + describe his boudoir. + </p> + <p> + We always called it Scrymgeour's boudoir after it had ceased to deserve + the censure, just as we called Moggridge Jimmy because he was Jimmy to + some of us as a boy. Scrymgeour deserted his fine rooms in Bayswater for + the inn some months after the Arcadia Mixture had reconstructed him, but + his chambers were the best on our stair, and with the help of a workman + from the Japanese Village he converted them into an Oriental dream. Our + housekeeper <span class="pagenum"><a id="page80" name="page80"></a></span> + thought little of the rest of us while the boudoir was there to be gazed + at, and even William John would not spill the coffee in it. When the + boudoir was ready for inspection, Scrymgeour led me to it, and as the door + opened I suddenly remembered that my boots were muddy. The ceiling was a + great Japanese Christmas card representing the heavens; heavy clouds + floated round a pale moon, and with the dusk the stars came out. The + walls, instead of being papered, were hung with a soft Japanese cloth, and + fantastic figures frolicked round a fireplace that held a bamboo fan. + There was no mantelpiece. The room was very small; but when you wanted a + blue velvet desk to write on, you had only to press a spring against the + wall; and if you leaned upon the desk the Japanese workmen were ready to + make you a new one. There were springs everywhere, shaped like birds and + mice and butterflies; and when you touched one of them something was sure + to come out. Blood-colored curtains separated the room from the alcove + where Scrymgeour was to rest by night, and his bed became a bath by simply + turning it upside down. On one side of the bed was a wine-bin, with a + ladder running up to it. The door of the sitting-room was a symphony in + gray, with shadowy reptiles crawling across the <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page81" name="page81"></a></span> panels; and the floor—dark, + mysterious—presented a fanciful picture of the infernal regions. + Scrymgeour said hopefully that the place would look cozier after he had + his pictures in it; but he stopped me when I began to fill my pipe. <a + name="image-ch10-1" id="image-ch10-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch10-1.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:337px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""With shadowy reptiles crawling across the panels"" /> He + believed, he said, that smoking was not a Japanese custom; and there was + no use taking Japanese chambers unless you lived up to them. Here was a + revelation. Scrymgeour proposed to live his life in harmony with these + rooms. I felt too sad at heart to say much to him then, but, promising to + look in again soon, I shook hands with my unhappy friend and went away. + </p> + <p> + It happened, however, that Scrymgeour had been several times in my rooms + before I was able to visit him again. My hand was on his door-bell when I + noticed a figure I thought I knew lounging at the foot of the stair. It + was Scrymgeour <span class="pagenum"><a id="page82" name="page82"></a> + </span> himself, and he was smoking the Arcadia. We greeted each other + languidly on the doorstep, Scrymgeour assuring me that "Japan in London" + was a grand idea. It gave a zest to life, banishing the poor, weary + conventionalities of one's surroundings. This was said while we still + stood at the door, and I began to wonder why Scrymgeour did not enter his + rooms. "A beautiful night," he said, rapturously. A cruel east wind was + blowing. He insisted that evening was the time for thinking, and that east + winds brace you up. Would I have a cigar? I would if he asked me inside to + smoke it. My friend sighed. "I thought I told you," he said, "that I don't + smoke in my chambers. It isn't the thing." Then he explained, + hesitatingly, that he hadn't given up smoking. "I come down here," he + said, "with my pipe, and walk up and down. I assure you it is quite a new + sensation, and I much prefer it to lolling in an easy-chair." The poor + fellow shivered as he spoke, and I noticed that his great-coat was tightly + buttoned up to the throat. He had a hacking cough and his teeth were + chattering. "Let us go in," I said; "I don't want to smoke." He knocked + the ashes out of his pipe, and opened his door with an affectation of + gayety. + </p> + <p> + The room looked somewhat more home-like <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page83" name="page83"></a></span> now, but it was very cold. + Scrymgeour had no fire yet. He had been told that the smoke would blacken + his moon. Besides, I question if he would have dared to remove the fan + from the fireplace without consulting a Japanese authority. He did not + even know whether the Japanese burned coal. I missed a number of the + articles of furniture that had graced his former rooms. The easels were + gone; there were none of the old canvases standing against the wall, and + he had exchanged his comfortable, plain old screen for one with lizards + crawling over it. "It would never have done," he explained, "to spoil the + room with English things, so I got in some more Japanese furniture." + </p> + <p> + I asked him if he had sold his canvases; whereupon he signed me to follow + him to the wine-bin. It was full of them. There were no newspapers lying + about; but Scrymgeour hoped to manage to take one in by and by. He was + only feeling his way at present, he said. In the dim light shed by a + Japanese lamp, I tripped over a rainbow-colored slipper that tapered to + the heel and turned up at the toe. "I wonder you can get into these + things," I whispered, for the place depressed me; and he answered, with + similar caution, that he couldn't. "I keep them lying about," he said, + confidentially; "but after <span class="pagenum"><a id="page84" + name="page84"></a></span> I think nobody is likely to call I put on + an old pair of English ones." At this point the housekeeper knocked at the + door, and Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a Japanese dressing-gown + before he cried "Come in!" As I left I <a name="image-ch10-2" + id="image-ch10-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch10-2.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:386px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding: 0;" + alt=""Scrymgeour sprang like an acrobat into a Japanese dressing-gown"" /> + asked him how he felt now, and he said that he had never been so happy in + his life. But his hand was hot, and he did not look me in the face. + </p> + <p> + Nearly a month elapsed before I looked in again. The unfortunate man had + now a Japanese rug over his legs to keep out the cold, and he was gazing + dejectedly at an outlandish mess which he called his lunch. He insisted + that it was not at all bad; but it had evidently been on the table some + time when I called, and he had not even tasted it. He ordered coffee for + my benefit, but I do not care for coffee that has salt in it instead of + sugar. I said that I had merely looked in to ask him to an early dinner at + the club, and it was touching to see how he <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page85" name="page85"></a></span> grasped at the idea. So + complete, however, was his subjection to that terrible housekeeper, who + believed in his fad, that he dared not send back her dishes untasted. As a + compromise I suggested that he could wrap up some of the stuff in paper + and drop it quietly into the gutter. We sallied forth, and I found him so + weak that he had to be assisted into a hansom. He still maintained, + however, that Japanese chambers were worth making some sacrifice for; and + when the other Arcadians saw his condition they had the delicacy not to + contradict him. They thought it was consumption. + </p> + <p> + If we had not taken Scrymgeour in hand I dare not think what his craze + might have reduced him to. A friend asked him into the country for ten + days, and of course he was glad to go. As it happened, my chambers were + being repapered at the time, and Scrymgeour gave me permission to occupy + his rooms until his return. The other Arcadians agreed to meet me there + nightly, and they were indefatigable in their efforts to put the boudoir + to rights. Jimmy wrote letters to editors, of a most cutting nature, on + the moon, breaking the table as he stepped on and off it, and we gave the + butterflies to William John. The reptiles had to crawl off the door, and + we made pipe-lights of the Japanese <span class="pagenum"><a id="page86" + name="page86"></a></span> fans. Marriot shot the candles at the + mice and birds; and Gilray, by improvising an entertainment behind the + blood-red curtains, contrived to give them the dilapidated appearance + without which there is no real comfort. In short, the boudoir soon assumed + such a homely aspect that Scrymgeour on his return did not recognize it. + When he realized where he was he lighted up at once. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch10-t" id="image-ch10-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch10-t.png" style="width:400px;height:385px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. X." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page87" name="page87"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0011" id="h2HCH0011"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + <a name="image-ch11-h" id="image-ch11-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch11-h.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:347px;padding: 0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XI. "His wife's cigars"" /> CHAPTER XI. + </h2> + <h3> + HIS WIFE'S CIGARS. + </h3> + <p> + Though Pettigrew, who is a much more successful journalist than Jimmy, + says pointedly of his wife that she encourages his smoking instead of + putting an end to it, I happen to know that he has cupboard skeletons. + Pettigrew has been married for years, and frequently boasted of his wife's + interest in smoking, until one night an accident revealed the true state + of matters to me. Late in the night, when traffic is hushed and the river + has at last a chance of making itself heard, Pettigrew's window opens + cautiously, and he casts something wrapped in newspaper into the night. + The window is then softly closed, and all is again quiet. At other times + Pettigrew steals along the curb-stone, dropping his skeletons one by one. + Nevertheless, his cupboard beneath the bookcase is <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page88" name="page88"></a></span> <a name="image-ch11-1" + id="image-ch11-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch11-1.png" + style="float:left;width:150px;height:729px;padding: 0; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""A packet of Celebros alighted on my head"" /> so crammed + that he dreams the lock has given way. The key is always in his pocket, + yet when his children approach the cupboard he orders them away, so + fearful is he of something happening. When his wife has retired he + sometimes unlocks the cupboard with nervous hand, when the door bursts + gladly open, and the things roll on to the carpet. They are the cigars his + wife gives him as birthday presents, on the anniversary of his marriage, + and at other times, and such a model wife is she that he would do anything + for her except smoke them. They are Celebros, Regalia Rothschilds, twelve + and six the hundred. I discovered Pettigrew's secret one night, when, as I + was passing his house, a packet of Celebros alighted on my head. I + demanded an explanation, and I got it on the promise that I would not + mention the matter to the other Arcadians. + </p> + <p> + "Several years having elapsed," said Pettigrew, "since I pretended <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page89" name="page89"></a></span> to smoke + and enjoy my first Celebro, I could not now undeceive my wife—it + would be such a blow to her. At the time it could have been done easily. + She began by making trial of a few. There were seven of them in an + envelope; and I knew at once that she had got them for a shilling. She had + heard me saying that eightpence is a sad price to pay for a cigar—I + prefer them at tenpence—and a few days afterward she produced her + first Celebros. Each of them had, and has, a gold ribbon round it, bearing + the legend, 'Non plus ultra.' She was shy and timid at that time, and I + thought it very brave of her to go into the shop herself and ask for the + Celebros, as advertised; so I thanked her warmly. When she saw me slipping + them into my pocket she looked disappointed, and said that she would like + to see me smoking one. My reply would have been that I never cared to + smoke in the open air, if she had not often seen me do so. Besides, I + wanted to please her very much; and if what I did was weak I have been + severely punished for it. The pocket into which I had thrust the Celebros + also contained my cigar-case; and with my hand in the pocket I covertly + felt for a Villar y Villar and squeezed it into the envelope. This I then + drew forth, took out the cigar, as distinguished <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page90" name="page90"></a></span> from the Celebros, and smoked + it with unfeigned content. My wife watched me eagerly, asking six or eight + times how I liked it. From the way she talked of fine rich bouquet and + nutty flavor I gathered that she had been in conversation <a + name="image-ch11-2" id="image-ch11-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch11-2.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:467px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding: 0;" + alt=""I told her the cigars were excellent"" /> with the + tobacconist, and I told her the cigars were excellent. Yes, they were as + choice a brand as I had ever smoked. She clapped her hands joyously at + that, and said that if she had not made up her mind never to do so she + would tell me what they cost. Next she asked me to guess the price; I + answered eighty shillings a hundred; and then she confessed that she got + the seven for a shilling. On our way home she made arch remarks about men + who judged cigars simply by their price. I laughed gayly in reply, begging + her not to be too hard on me; and I did not even feel uneasy when she + remarked that of course I would never buy those horridly expensive Villar + y Villars again. When I left her I gave the Celebros to an acquaintance + against whom I had long had a grudge—we have not spoken since—but + I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page91" name="page91"></a></span> + preserved the envelope as a pretty keepsake. This, you see, happened + shortly before our marriage. + </p> + <p> + "I have had a consignment of Celebros every month or two since then, and, + dispose of them quietly as I may, they are accumulating in the cupboard. I + despise myself; but my guile was kindly meant at first, and every + thoughtful man will see the difficulties in the way of a confession now. + Who can say what might happen if I were to fling that cupboard door open + in presence of my wife? I smoke less than I used to do; for if I were to + buy my cigars by the box I could not get them smuggled into the house. + Besides, she would know—I don't say how, I merely make the statement—that + I had been buying cigars. So I get half a dozen at a time. Perhaps you + will sympathize with me when I say that I have had to abandon my favorite + brand. I cannot get Villar y Villars that look like Celebros, and my wife + is quicker in those matters than she used to be. One day, for instance, + she noticed that the cigars in my case had not the gold ribbon round them, + and I almost fancied she became suspicious. I explained that the ribbon + was perhaps a little ostentatious; but she said it was an intimation of + nutty flavor: and now I take ribbons off the <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page92" name="page92"></a></span> Celebros and put them on the + other cigars. The boxes in which the Celebros arrive have a picturesque + design on the lid and a good deal of lace frilling round the edge, and she + likes to have a box lying about. The top layer of that box is cigars in + gold ribbons, placed there by myself, and underneath are the Celebros. I + never get down to the Celebros. + </p> + <p> + "For a long time my secret was locked in my breast as carefully as I shall + lock my next week's gift away in the cupboard, if I can find room for it; + but a few of my most intimate friends have an inkling of it now. When my + friends drop in I am compelled to push the Celebro box toward them, and if + they would simply take a cigar and ask no questions all would be well; + for, as I have said, there are cigars on the top. But they spoil everything + by remarking that they have not seen the brand before. Should my wife not + be present this is immaterial, for I have long had a reputation of keeping + good cigars. Then I merely remark that it is a new brand; and they smoke, + probably observing that it reminds them of a Cabana, which is natural, + seeing that it is a Cabana in disguise. If my wife is present, however, + she comes forward smiling, and remarks, with a fond look in my direction, + that they are her birthday present to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page93" + name="page93"></a></span> her Jack. Then they start back and say + they always smoke a pipe. These Celebros were making me a bad name among + my friends, so I have given a few of them to understand—I don't care + to put it more plainly—that if they will take a cigar from the top + layer they will find it all right. One of them, however, has a personal + ill-will to me because my wife told his wife that I preferred Celebro + cigars at twelve and six a hundred to any other. Now he is expected to + smoke the same; and he takes his revenge by ostentatiously offering me a + Celebro when I call on him." + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch11-t" id="image-ch11-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch11-t.png" style="width: 400px; height: 719px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XI." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page94" name="page94"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0012" id="h2HCH0012"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch12-h" id="image-ch12-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch12-h.png" style="width:400px;height:341px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XII. "Gilray's flower-pot"" /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XII. + </h2> + <h3> + GILRAY'S FLOWER-POT. + </h3> + <p> + I charge Gilray's unreasonableness to his ignoble passion for cigarettes; + and the story of his flower-pot has therefore an obvious moral. The want + of dignity he displayed about that flower-pot, on his return to London, + would have made any one sorry for him. I had my own work to look after, + and really could not be tending his chrysanthemum all day. After he came + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page95" name="page95"></a></span> + back, however, there was no reasoning with him, and I admit that I never + did water his plant, though always intending to do so. + </p> + <p> + The great mistake was in not leaving the flower-pot in charge of William + John. No doubt I readily promised to attend to it, but Gilray deceived me + by speaking as if the watering of a plant was the merest pastime. He had + to leave London for a short provincial tour, and, as I see now, took + advantage of my good nature. + </p> + <p> + As Gilray had owned his flower-pot for several months, during which time + (I take him at his word) he had watered it daily, he must have known he + was misleading me. He said that you got into the way of watering a + flower-pot regularly just as you wind up your watch. That certainly is not + the case. I always wind up my watch, and I never watered the flower-pot. + Of course, if I had been living in Gilray's rooms with the thing always + before my eyes I might have done so. I proposed to take it into my + chambers at the time, but he would not hear of that. Why? How Gilray came + by this chrysanthemum I do not inquire; but whether, in the circumstances, + he should not have made a clean breast of it to me is another matter. + Undoubtedly it was an unusual thing to put a man to <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page96" name="page96"></a></span> the trouble of watering a + chrysanthemum daily without giving him its history. My own belief has + always been that he got it in exchange for a pair of boots and his old + dressing-gown. He hints that it was a present; but, as one who knows him + well, I may say that he is the last person a lady would be likely to give + a chrysanthemum to. Besides, if he was so proud of the plant he should + have stayed at home and watered it himself. + </p> + <p> + He says that I never meant to water it, which is not only a mistake, but + unkind. My plan was to run downstairs immediately after dinner every + evening and give it a thorough watering. One thing or another, however, + came in the way. I often remembered about the chrysanthemum while I was in + the office; but even Gilray could hardly have expected me to ask leave of + absence merely to run home and water his plant. You must draw the line + somewhere, even in a government office. When I reached home I was tired, + inclined to take things easily, and not at all in a proper condition for + watering flower-pots. Then Arcadians would drop in. I put it to any + sensible man or woman, could I have been expected to give up my friends + for the sake of a chrysanthemum? Again, it was my custom of an evening, if + not disturbed, <a name="image-ch12-1" id="image-ch12-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch12-1a.png" + style="width:400px:height:244px;float:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""Then Arcadians would drop in"" /> <img + src="images/ch12-1b.png" + style="width:281px:height:50px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""Then Arcadians would drop in"" /> <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page97" name="page97"></a></span> to retire with my pipe into + my cane chair, and there pass the hours communing with great minds, or, + when the mood was on me, trifling with a novel. Often when I was in the + middle of a chapter Gilray's flower-pot stood up before my eyes crying for + water. He does not believe this, but it is the solemn truth. At those + moments it was touch and go, whether I watered his chrysanthemum or not. + Where I lost myself was in not hurrying to his rooms at once with a + tumbler. I said to myself that I would go when I had finished my pipe, but + by that time the flower-pot had escaped my memory. This may have been + weakness; all I know is that I should have saved myself much annoyance + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page98" name="page98"></a></span> if I + had risen and watered the chrysanthemum there and then. But would it not + have been rather hard on me to have had to forsake my books for the sake + of Gilray's flowers and flower-pots and plants and things? What right has + a man to go and make a garden of his chambers? + </p> + <p> + All the three weeks he was away, Gilray kept pestering me with letters + about his chrysanthemum. He seemed to have no faith in me—a + detestable thing in a man who calls himself your friend. I had promised to + water his flower-pot; and between friends a promise is surely sufficient. + It is not so, however, when Gilray is one of them. I soon hated the sight + of my name in his handwriting. It was not as if he had said outright that + he wrote entirely to know whether I was watering his plant. His references + to it were introduced with all the appearance of afterthoughts. Often they + took the form of postscripts: "By the way, are you watering my + chrysanthemum?" or, "The chrysanthemum ought to be a beauty by this time;" + or, "You must be quite an adept now at watering plants." Gilray declares + now that, in answer to one of these ingenious epistles, I wrote to him + saying that "I had just been watering his chrysanthemum." My belief is + that I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page99" name="page99"></a></span> + did no such thing; or, if I did, I meant to water it as soon as I had + finished my letter. He has never been able to bring this home to me, he + says, because he burned my correspondence. As if a business man would + destroy such a letter. <a name="image-ch12-2" id="image-ch12-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <span class="figcenter" style="display:block;"> <img + src="images/ch12-2.png" style="width:400px;height:481px;" + alt=""I wrote to him"" /> </span> It was yet more annoying when + Gilray took to post-cards. To hear the postman's knock and then discover, + when you are expecting an important communication, that it is only a + post-card about a flower-pot—that is really <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page100" name="page100"></a></span> too bad. And then I + consider that some of the post-cards bordered upon insult. One of them + said, "What about chrysanthemum?—reply at once." This was just like + Gilray's overbearing way; but I answered politely, and so far as I knew, + truthfully, "Chrysanthemum all right." + </p> + <p> + Knowing that there was no explaining things to Gilray, I redoubled my + exertions to water his flower-pot as the day for his return drew near. + Once, indeed, when I rang for water, I could not for the life of me + remember what I wanted it for when it was brought. Had I had any + forethought I should have left the tumbler stand just as it was to show it + to Gilray on his return. But, unfortunately, William John had + misunderstood what I wanted the water for, and put a decanter down beside + it. Another time I was actually on the stair rushing to Gilray's door, + when I met the housekeeper, and, stopping to talk to her, lost my + opportunity again. To show how honestly anxious I was to fulfil my + promise, I need only add that I was several times awakened in the watches + of the night by a haunting consciousness that I had forgotten to water + Gilray's flower-pot. On these occasions I spared no trouble to remember + again in the morning. I reached out of bed to a chair and turned it upside + down, so that the sight of it when I rose <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page101" name="page101"></a></span> might remind me that I had + something to do. With the same object I crossed the tongs and poker on the + floor. Gilray maintains that instead of playing "fool's tricks" like these + ("fool's tricks!") I should have got up and gone at once to his rooms with + my water-bottle. What? and disturbed my neighbors? Besides, could I + reasonably be expected to risk catching my death of cold for the sake of a + wretched chrysanthemum? One reads of men doing such things for young + ladies who seek lilies in dangerous ponds or edelweiss on overhanging + cliffs. But Gilray was not my sweetheart, nor, I feel certain, any other + person's. + </p> + <p> + I come now to the day prior to Gilray's return. I had just reached the + office when I remembered about the chrysanthemum. It was my last chance. + If I watered it once I should be in a position to state that, whatever + condition it might be in, I had certainly been watering it. I jumped into + a hansom, told the cabby to drive to the inn, and twenty minutes afterward + had one hand on Gilray's door, while the other held the largest water-can + in the house. Opening the door I rushed in. The can nearly fell from my + hand. There was no flower-pot! I rang the bell. "Mr. Gilray's + chrysanthemum!" I cried. What do you think William John said? He <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page102" name="page102"></a></span> coolly + told me that the plant was dead, and had been flung out days ago. I went + to the theatre that night to keep myself from thinking. All next day I + contrived to remain out of Gilray's sight. When we met he was stiff and + polite. He did not say a word about the chrysanthemum for a week, and then + it all came out with a rush. I let him talk. With the servants flinging + out the flower-pots faster than I could water them, what more could I have + done? A coolness between us was inevitable. This I regretted, but my mind + was made up on one point: I would never do Gilray a favor again. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch12-t" id="image-ch12-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch12-t.png" style="width:400px;height:660px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XII. "The can nearly fell from my hand"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page103" name="page103"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0013" id="h2HCH0013"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE GRANDEST SCENE IN HISTORY. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch13-h" id="image-ch13-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-h.png" + style="float:right; width:150px;height:372px;padding: 0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XIII." /> + </p> + <p> + Though Scrymgeour only painted in watercolors, I think—I never + looked at his pictures—he had one superb idea, which we often + advised him to carry out. When he first mentioned it the room became + comparatively animated, so much struck were we all, and we entreated him + to retire to Stratford for a few months, before beginning the picture. His + idea was to paint Shakespeare smoking his first pipe of the Arcadia + Mixture. + </p> + <p> + Many hundreds of volumes have been written about the glories of the + Elizabethan age, the sublime period in our history. Then were Englishmen + on fire to do immortal deeds. High aims and noble ambitions became their + birthright. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page104" name="page104"></a> + </span> There was nothing they could not or would not do for England. + Sailors put a girdle round the world. Every captain had a general's + capacity; every fighting-man could have been a captain. All the women, + from the queen downward, were heroines. Lofty statesmanship guided the + conduct of affairs, a sublime philosophy was in the air. The period of + great deeds was also the period of our richest literature. London was + swarming with poetic geniuses. Immortal dramatists wandered in couples + between stage doors and taverns. + </p> + <p> + All this has been said many times; and we read these glowing outbursts + about the Elizabethan age as if to the beating of a drum. But why was this + period riper for magnificent deeds and noble literature than any other in + English history? We all know how the thinkers, historians, and critics of + yesterday and to-day answer that question; but our hearts and brains tell + us that they are astray. By an amazing oversight they have said nothing of + the Influence of Tobacco. The Elizabethan age might be better named the + beginning of the smoking era. No unprejudiced person who has given thought + to the subject can question the propriety of dividing our history into two + periods—the pre-smoking and the smoking. When <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page105" name="page105"></a></span> <a name="image-ch13-1" + id="image-ch13-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-1a.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:84px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country"" /> + Raleigh, in honor of whom England should have changed its name, introduced + tobacco into this country, the glorious Elizabethan age began. I am aware + that those hateful persons called Original Researchers now maintain that + Raleigh was not the man; but to them I turn a deaf ear. I know, I feel, + that with the introduction of tobacco England woke up from a long sleep. + <a name="image-ch13-1bcd" id="image-ch13-1bcd"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-1b.png" + style="float:right; width:130px;height:148px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country"" /> + <img src="images/ch13-1c.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:200px;height:190px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country"" /> + <img src="images/ch13-1d.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:133px;height:122px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""Raleigh ... introduced tobacco into this country"" /> + Suddenly a new zest had been given to life. The glory of existence became + a thing to speak of. Men who had hitherto only concerned themselves with + the narrow things of home put a pipe into their mouths and became + philosophers. Poets and dramatists smoked until all ignoble ideas were + driven from them, and into their place rushed such high thoughts as the + world had not known before. Petty jealousies no longer had hold of + statesmen, who smoked, and agreed to work together for the public weal. + Soldiers and sailors felt, when engaged with a foreign foe, <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page106" name="page106"></a></span> that + they were fighting for their pipes. The whole country was stirred by the + ambition to live up to tobacco. Every one, in short, had now a lofty ideal + constantly before him. Two stories of the period, never properly told + hitherto, illustrate this. We all know that Gabriel Harvey and Spenser lay + in bed discussing English poetry and the forms it ought to take. This was + when tobacco was only known to a select few, of whom Spenser, the friend + of Raleigh, was doubtless one. That the two friends smoked in bed I cannot + doubt. Many poets have done the same thing since. Then there is the + beautiful Armada story. In a famous Armada picture the English sailors are + represented smoking; which makes it all the more surprising that the story + to which I refer has come down to us in an incorrect form. According to + the historians, when the Armada hove in sight the English captains were + playing at bowls. Instead of rushing off to their ships on receipt of the + news, they observed, "Let us first finish our game." I cannot believe that + this is what they said. My conviction is that what was really said was, + "Let us first finish our pipes"—surely a far more impressive and + memorable remark. + </p> + <p> + This afternoon Marlowe's "Jew of Malta" <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page107" name="page107"></a></span> was produced for the first + time; and of the two men who have just emerged from the Blackfriars + Theatre one is the creator of <i>Barabas</i>. A marvel to all the "piperly + make-plaies and make-bates," save one, is "famous Ned Alleyn;" for when + money comes to him he does not drink till it be done, and already he is + laying by to confound the ecclesiastics, who say hard things of him, by + founding Dulwich College. "Not Roscius nor Æsope," said Tom Nash, + who was probably in need of a crown at the time, "ever performed more in + action." A good fellow he is withal; for it is Ned who gives the supper + to-night at the "Globe," in honor of the new piece, if he can get his + friends together. The actor-manager shakes his head, for Marlowe, who was + to meet him here, must have been seduced into a tavern by the way; but his + companion, Robin Greene, is only wondering if that is a bailiff at the + corner. Robin of the "ruffianly haire," <i>utriusque academiæ + artibus magister</i>, is nearing the end of his tether, and might call + to-night at shoemaker Islam's house near Dowgate, to tell a certain + "bigge, fat, lusty wench" to prepare his last bed and buy a garland of + bays. Ned must to the sign of the "Saba" in Gracious Street, where Burbage + and "honest gamesom Armin" are sure to be found; <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page108" name="page108"></a></span> but Greene durst not show + himself in the street without Cutting Ball and other choice ruffians as a + body-guard. Ned is content to leave them behind; for Robin has refused to + be of the company to-night if that "upstart Will" is invited too, and the + actor is fond of Will. There is no more useful man in the theatre, he has + said to "Signior Kempino" this very day, for touching up old plays; and + Will is a plodding young fellow, too, if not over-brilliant. + </p> + <p> + Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern, picking out his men. There is an + ale-house in Sea-coal Lane—the same where lady-like George Peele was + found by the barber, who had subscribed an hour before for his decent + burial, "all alone with a peck of oysters"—and here Ned is detained + an unconscionable time. Just as he is leaving with Kempe and Cowley, Armin + and Will Shakespeare burst in with a cry for wine. It is Armin who gives + the orders, but his companion pays. They spy Alleyn, and Armin must tell + his news. He is the bearer of a challenge from some merry souls at the + "Saba" to the actor-manager; and Ned Alleyn turns white and red when he + hears it. Then he laughs a confident laugh, and accepts the bet. Some + theatre-goers, flushed with wine, have dared him to attempt certain parts + in which <span class="pagenum"><a id="page109" name="page109"></a></span> + Bentley and Knell vastly please them. Ned is incredulous that men should + be so willing to fling away their money; yet here is Will a witness, and + Burbage is staying on at the "Saba" not to let the challengers escape. + </p> + <p> + The young man of twenty-four, at the White Horse in Friday Street, is Tom + Nash; and it is Peele who is swearing that he is a monstrous clever + fellow, and helping him to finish his wine. But Peele is glad to see Ned + and Cowley in the doorway, for Tom has a weakness for reading aloud the + good things from his own manuscripts. There is only one of the company who + is not now sick to death of Nash's satires on Martin Marprelate; and + perhaps even he has had enough of them, only he is as yet too obscure a + person to say so. That is Will; and Nash detains him for a moment just to + listen to his last words on the Marprelate controversy. Marprelate now + appears "with a wit worn into the socket, twingling and pinking like the + snuff of a candle; <i>quantum mutatus ab illo!</i> how unlike the knave he + was before, not for malice but for sharpness. The hogshead was even come + to the hauncing, and nothing could be drawne from him but the dregs." Will + says it is very good; and Nash smiles to himself as he puts the papers in + his pockets and thinks vaguely that he <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page110" name="page110"></a></span> might do something for + Will. Shakespeare is not a university man, and they say he held horses at + the doors of the Globe not long ago; but he knows a good thing when he + hears it. + </p> + <p> + All this time Marlowe is at the Globe, wondering why the others are so + long in coming; but not wondering very much—for it is good wine they + give you at the Globe. Even before the feast is well begun Kit's eyes are + bloodshot and his hands unsteady. Death is already seeking for him at a + tavern in Deptford, and the last scene in a wild, brief life starts up + before us. A miserable ale-house, drunken words, the flash of a knife, and + a man of genius has received his death-blow. What an epitaph for the + greatest might-have-been in English literature: "Christopher Marlowe, + slain by a serving-man in a drunken brawl, aged twenty-nine!" But by the + time Shakespeare had reached his fortieth birthday every one of his + fellow-playwrights round that table had rushed to his death. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch13-2" id="image-ch13-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch13-2.png" + style="float:right;width:125px;height:619px;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;padding: 0;" + alt="The Arcadia Mixture" /> The short stout gentleman who is fond of + making jokes, and not particular whom he confides them to, has heard + another good story about Tarleton. This is the low comedian Kempe, who + stepped into the shoes of flat-nosed, squinting Tarleton the other day, + but never quite manages to fill them. He whispers the <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page111" name="page111"></a></span> tale across Will's back to + Cowley, before it is made common property; and little fancies, as he does + so, that any immortality he and his friend may gain will be owing to their + having played, before the end of the sixteenth century, the parts of <i>Dogberry</i> + and <i>Verges</i> in a comedy by Shakespeare, whom they are at present + rather in the habit of patronizing. The story is received with boisterous + laughter, for it suits the time and place. + </p> + <p> + Peele is in the middle of a love-song when Kit stumbles across the room to + say a kind word to Shakespeare. That is a sign that George is not yet so + very tipsy; for he is a gallant and a squire of dames so long as he is + sober. There is not a maid in any tavern in Fleet Street who does not + think George Peele the properest man in London. And yet, Greene being + absent, scouring the street <span class="pagenum"><a id="page112" + name="page112"></a></span> with Cutting Ball—whose sister is + mother of poor Fortunatus Greene—Peele is the most dissolute man in + the Globe to-night. There is a sad little daughter sitting up for him at + home, and she will have to sit wearily till morning. Marlowe's praises + would sink deeper into Will's heart if the author of the "Jew of Malta" + were less unsteady on his legs. And yet he takes Kit's words kindly, and + is glad to hear that "Titus Andronicus," produced the other day, pleases + the man whose praise is most worth having. Will Shakespeare looks up to + Kit Marlowe, and "Titus Andronicus" is the work of a young playwright who + has tried to write like Kit. Marlowe knows it, and he takes it as + something of a compliment, though he does not believe in imitation + himself. He would return now to his seat beside Ned Alleyn; but the floor + of the room is becoming unsteady, and Ned seems a long way off. Besides, + Shakespeare's cup would never require refilling if there were not some one + there to help him drink. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch13-3" id="image-ch13-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch13-3.jpg" style="width:400px;height:834px;" + alt=""Ned Alleyn goes from tavern to tavern picking out his men"" /> + </div> + <p> + The fun becomes fast and furious; and the landlord of the Globe puts in an + appearance, ostensibly to do his guests honor by serving them himself. But + he is fearful of how the rioting may end, and, if he dared, he would turn + Nash into the street. Tom is the only man there <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page113" name="page113"></a></span> + <!-- Full page image ch13-3 moved up from here --> <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page114" name="page114"></a></span> whom the landlord—if + that man had only been a Boswell—personally dislikes; indeed, Nash + is no great favorite even with his comrades. He has a bitter tongue, and + his heart is not to be mellowed by wine. The table roars over his sallies, + of which the landlord himself is dimly conscious that he is the butt, and + Kempe and Cowley wince under his satire. Those excellent comedians fall + out over a trifling difference of opinion; and handsome Nash—he + tells us himself that he was handsome, so there can be no doubt about it—maintains + that they should decide the dispute by fist-cuffs without further loss of + time. While Kempe and Cowley threaten to break each other's heads—which, + indeed, would be no great matter if they did it quietly—Burbage is + reciting vehemently, with no one heeding him; and Marlowe insists on + quarrelling with Armin about the existence of a Deity. For when Kit is + drunk he is an infidel. Armin will not quarrel with anybody, and Marlowe + is exasperated. + </p> + <p> + But where is Shakespeare all this time? He has retired to a side table + with Alleyn, who has another historical play that requires altering. Their + conversation is of comparatively little importance; what we are to note + with bated breath is that Will is filling a pipe. His face is <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page115" name="page115"></a></span> placid, + for he does not know that the tobacco Ned is handing him is the Arcadia + Mixture. I love Ned Alleyn, and like to think that Shakespeare got the + Arcadia from him. + </p> + <p> + For a moment let us turn from Shakespeare at this crisis in his life. + Alleyn has left him and is paying the score. Marlowe remains where he + fell. Nash has forgotten where he lodges, and so sets off with Peele to an + ale-house in Pye Corner, where George is only too well known. Kempe and + Cowley are sent home in baskets. + </p> + <p> + Again we turn to the figure in the corner, and there is such a light on + his face that we shade our eyes. He is smoking the Arcadia, and as he + smokes the tragedy of Hamlet takes form in his brain. + </p> + <p> + This is the picture that Scrymgeour will never dare to paint. I know that + there is no mention of tobacco in Shakespeare's plays, but those who smoke + the Arcadia tell their secret to none, and of other mixtures they scorn to + speak. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch13-t" id="image-ch13-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch13-t.png" style="width:400px;height:674px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XIII." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page116" name="page116"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0014" id="h2HCH0014"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch14-h" id="image-ch14-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div style="clear:both; padding:0; margin:0;"> + <img src="images/ch14-ha.png" + style="float: left; clear:left; width:229px;height:147px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new Cabanas"" /> + <img src="images/ch14-hb.png" + style="float: left; clear:both; width:400px;height:60px; margin:0;padding:0;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new Cabanas"" /> + <img src="images/ch14-hc.png" + style="float: left; clear:left; width:77px;height:478px; margin:0; padding:0;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XIV. "I was testing some new Cabanas"" /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XIV. + </h2> + <h3> + MY BROTHER HENRY. + </h3> + <p style="clear:right; margin:150px 0 0 0; padding:0;"> + Strictly speaking I never had a brother Henry, and yet I cannot say that + Henry was an impostor. He came into existence in a curious way, and I can + think of him now without malice as a child of smoke. The first I heard of + Henry was at Pettigrew's house, which is in a London suburb, so + conveniently situated that I can go there and back in one day. I was + testing some new Cabanas, I remember, when Pettigrew remarked that he had + been lunching with a man who knew my brother Henry. Not having any brother + but Alexander, I felt that Pettigrew had mistaken the name. "Oh, no," + Pettigrew said; "he spoke of Alexander too." Even this did not convince + me, and I asked my host for his friend's name. Scudamour was the name of + the man, and he had met my brothers Alexander and Henry years <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page117" name="page117"></a></span> before + in Paris. Then I remembered Scudamour, and I probably frowned, for I + myself was my own brother Henry. I distinctly recalled Scudamour meeting + Alexander and me in Paris, and calling me Henry, though my name begins + with a J. I explained the mistake to Pettigrew, and here, for the time + being, the matter rested. However, I had by no means heard the last of + Henry. + </p> + <p> + Several times afterward I heard from various persons that Scudamour wanted + to meet me because he knew my brother Henry. At last we did meet, in + Jimmy's chambers; and, almost as soon as he saw me, Scudamour asked where + Henry was now. This was precisely what I feared. I am a man who always + looks like a boy. There are few persons of my age in London who retain + their boyish appearance as long as I have done; indeed, this is the curse + of my life. Though I am approaching the age of thirty, I pass for twenty; + and I have observed old gentlemen frown at my precocity when I said a good + thing or helped myself to a second glass of wine. There was, therefore, + nothing surprising in Scudamour's remark, that, when he had the pleasure + of meeting Henry, Henry must have been about the age that I had now + reached. All would have been well had I explained the real <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page118" name="page118"></a></span> state + of affairs to this annoying man; but, unfortunately for myself, I loathe + entering upon explanations to anybody about anything. This it is to smoke + the Arcadia. When I ring for a time-table and William John brings coals + instead, I accept the coals as a substitute. Much, then, did I dread a + discussion with Scudamour, his <a name="image-ch14-1" id="image-ch14-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch14-1a.png" + style="float:left; clear:left;width:400px;height:163px;padding:0;margin:.5em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt=""A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder"" /> + <img src="images/ch14-1b.png" + style="float:left; clear:left;width:262px;height:154px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder"" /> + surprise when he heard that I was Henry, and his comments on my youthful + appearance. Besides, I was smoking the best of all mixtures. There was no + likelihood of my meeting Scudamour again, so the easiest way to get rid of + him seemed to be to humor him. I therefore told him that Henry was in + India, married, and doing well. "Remember me to Henry when you write to + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page119" name="page119"></a></span> + him," was Scudamour's last remark to me that evening. + </p> + <p> + A few weeks later some one tapped me on the shoulder in Oxford Street. It + was Scudamour. "Heard from Henry?" he asked. I said I had heard by the + last mail. "Anything particular in the letter?" I felt it would not do to + say that there was nothing particular in a letter which had come all the + way from India, so I hinted that Henry was having trouble with his wife. + By this I meant that her health was bad; but he took it up in another way, + and I did not set him right. "Ah, ah!" he said, shaking his head + sagaciously; "I'm sorry to hear that. Poor Henry!" "Poor old boy!" was all + I could think of replying. "How about the children?" Scudamour asked. "Oh, + the children," I said, with what I thought presence of mind, "are coming + to England." "To stay with Alexander?" he asked. My answer was that + Alexander was expecting them by the middle of next month; and eventually + Scudamour went away muttering, "Poor Henry!" In a month or so we met + again. "No word of Henry's getting leave of absence?" asked Scudamour. I + replied shortly that Henry had gone to live in Bombay, and would not be + home for years. He saw that I was brusque, so what does he do but <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page120" name="page120"></a></span> draw me + aside for a quiet explanation. "I suppose," he said, "you are annoyed + because I told Pettigrew that Henry's wife had run away from him. The fact + is, I did it for your good. You see, I happened to make a remark to + Pettigrew <a name="image-ch14-2" id="image-ch14-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch14-2.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:707px;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;padding:0;" + alt=""Naturally in the circumstances you did not want to talk about Henry"" /> + about your brother Henry, and he said that there was no such person. Of + course I laughed at that, and pointed out not only that I had the pleasure + of Henry's acquaintance, but that you and I had talked about the old + fellow every time we met. 'Well,' Pettigrew said, 'this is a most + remarkable thing; for he,' meaning you, 'said to me in this very room, + sitting in that very chair, that Alexander was his only brother.' I saw + that Pettigrew resented your concealing the existence of your brother + Henry from him, so I thought the most friendly thing I could do was to + tell him that your reticence was doubtless due to the unhappy state of + poor Henry's private affairs. Naturally in the circumstances you did not + want to talk about Henry." I shook Scudamour by the hand, telling him that + he had acted judiciously; but if I could have stabbed <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page121" name="page121"></a></span> him in the back at that + moment I dare say I would have done it. + </p> + <p> + I did not see Scudamour again for a long time, for I took care to keep out + of his way; but I heard first from him and then of him. One day he wrote + to me saying that his nephew was going to Bombay, and would I be so good + as to give the youth an introduction to my brother Henry? He also asked me + to dine with him and his nephew. I declined the dinner, but I sent the + nephew the required note of introduction to Henry. The next I heard of + Scudamour was from Pettigrew. "By the way," said Pettigrew, "Scudamour is + in Edinburgh at present." I trembled, for Edinburgh is where Alexander + lives. "What has taken him there?" I asked, with assumed carelessness. + Pettigrew believed it was business; "but," he added, "Scudamour asked me + to tell you that he meant to call on Alexander, as he was anxious to see + Henry's children." A few days afterward I had a telegram from Alexander, + who generally uses this means of communication when he corresponds with + me. + </p> + <p> + "Do you know a man, Scudamour? Reply," was what Alexander said. I thought + of answering that we had met a man of that name when we were in Paris; but + after consideration, I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page122" name="page122"></a> + </span> replied boldly: "Know no one of name of Scudamour." + </p> + <p> + About two months ago I passed Scudamour in Regent Street, and he scowled + at me. This I could have borne if there had been no more of Henry; but I + knew that Scudamour was now telling everybody about Henry's wife. + </p> + <p> + By and by I got a letter from an old friend of Alexander's asking me if + there was any truth in a report that Alexander was going to Bombay. Soon + afterward Alexander wrote to me saying he had been told by several persons + that I was going to Bombay. In short, I saw that the time had come for + killing Henry. So I told Pettigrew that Henry had died of fever, deeply + regretted; and asked him to be sure to tell Scudamour, who had always been + interested in the deceased's welfare. Pettigrew afterward told me that he + had communicated the sad intelligence to Scudamour. "How did he take it?" + I asked. "Well," Pettigrew said, reluctantly, "he told me that when he was + up in Edinburgh he did not get on well with Alexander. But he expressed + great curiosity as to Henry's children." "Ah," I said, "the children were + both drowned in the Forth; a sad affair—we can't bear to talk of + it." I am not likely to see much of Scudamour again, nor is Alexander. + Scudamour <span class="pagenum"><a id="page123" name="page123"></a></span> + now goes about saying that Henry was the only one of us he really liked. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch14-t" id="image-ch14-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch14-t.png" style="width:400px;height:347px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XIV." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page124" name="page124"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0015" id="h2HCH0015"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch15-h" id="image-ch15-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch15-ha.png" + style="float:left; width:400px;height:335px;padding:0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XV. "House-boat Arcadia"" /> <img + src="images/ch15-hb.png" + style="float:left; clear:left; width:239px;height:151px;padding:0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XV. "House-boat Arcadia"" /> + </p> + <h2 style="margin-top:60px;"> + CHAPTER XV. + </h2> + <h3> + HOUSE-BOAT "ARCADIA." + </h3> + <p> + Scrymgeour had a house-boat called, of course, the <i>Arcadia</i>, to + which he was so ill-advised as to invite us all at once. He was at that + time lying near Cookham, attempting to catch the advent of summer on a + canvas, and we were all, unhappily, able to accept his invitation. Looking + back to this nightmare of a holiday, I <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page125" name="page125"></a></span> am puzzled at our not + getting on well together, for who should be happy in a house-boat if not + five bachelors, well known to each other, and all smokers of the same + tobacco? Marriot says now that perhaps we were happy without knowing it; + but that is nonsense. We were miserable. + </p> + <p> + I have concluded that we knew each other too well. Though accustomed to + gather together in my rooms of an evening in London, we had each his + private chambers to retire to, but in the <i>Arcadia</i> solitude was + impossible. There was no escaping from each other. + </p> + <p> + Scrymgeour, I think, said that we were unhappy because each of us acted as + if the house-boat was his own. We retorted that the boy—by no means + a William John—was at the bottom of our troubles, and then + Scrymgeour said that he had always been against having a boy. We had been + opposed to a boy at first, too, fancying that we should enjoy doing our + own cooking. Seeing that there were so many of us, this should not have + been difficult, but the kitchen was small, and we were always striking + against each other and knocking things over. We had to break a window-pane + to let the smoke out; then Gilray, in kicking the stove because he had + burned his fingers on it, upset the thing, <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page126" name="page126"></a></span> and, before we had time to + intervene, a leg of mutton jumped out and darted into the coal-bunk. Jimmy + foolishly placed our six tumblers on the window-sill to dry, and a gust of + wind toppled them into the river. The draughts were a nuisance. This was + owing to windows facing each other being left open, and as a result + articles of clothing disappeared so mysteriously that we thought there + must be a thief or a somnambulist on board. + </p> + <div class="figinset" style="width:500px!important; margin:auto; clear:both; height:100%;"> + <a name="image-ch15-1" id="image-ch15-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch15-1a.png" + style="width:400px;height:164px; float:left;clear:both;margin:0px 50px 0px 50px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind"" /> + <img src="images/ch15-1bl.png" + style="width: 11px;height:380px;float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 15px 0px 50px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind"" /> + <img src="images/ch15-1br.png" + style="width: 11px;height:380px;float:right; margin:0px 50px 0px 15px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind"" /> + <img src="images/ch15-1c.png" + style="width:400px;height:181px; float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 50px 50px 50px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind"" /> + <!-- 317 --> + <p style="font-size:90%;"> + The third or fourth day, however, going into the saloon unexpectedly, + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page127" name="page127"></a></span> + I caught my straw hat disappearing on the wings of the wind. When last + seen it was on its way to Maidenhead, bowling along at the rate of + several miles an hour. So we thought it would be as well to have a boy. + As far as I remember, this was the only point unanimously agreed upon + during the whole time we were aboard. They told us at the Ferry Hotel + that boys were rather difficult to get in Cookham; but we instituted a + vigorous house-to-house search, and at last we ran a boy to earth and + carried him off. + </p> + </div> + <p style="clear:both;"> + It was most unfortunate for all concerned that the boy did not sleep on + board. There was, however, no room for him; so he came at seven in the + morning, and retired when his labors were over for the day. I say he came; + but in point of fact that was the difficulty with the boy. He couldn't + come. He came as far as he could: that is to say, he walked up the + tow-path until he was opposite the house-boat, and then he hallooed to be + taken on board, whereupon some one had to go in the dingy for him. All the + time we were in the house-boat that boy was never five minutes late. Wet + or fine, calm or rough, 7 A.M. found the boy on the tow-path hallooing. No + sooner were we asleep than the dewy morn was made hideous <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page128" name="page128"></a></span> by the + boy. Lying in bed with the blankets over our heads to deaden his cries, + his fresh, lusty young voice pierced wood-work, blankets, sheets, + everything. "Ya-ho, ahoy, ya-ho, aho, ahoy!" So he kept it up. What + followed may easily be guessed. We all lay as silent as the grave, each + waiting for some one else to rise and bring the impatient lad across. At + last the stillness would be broken by some one's yelling out that he would + do for that boy. A second would mutter horribly in his sleep; a third + would make himself a favorite for the moment by shouting through the + wooden partition that it was the fifth's turn this morning. The fifth + would tell us where he would see the boy before he went across for him. + Then there would be silence again. Eventually some one would put an ulster + over his night-shirt, and sternly announce his intention of going over and + taking the boy's life. Hearing this, the others at once dropped off to + sleep. For a few days we managed to trick the boy by pulling up our blinds + and so conveying to his mind the impression that we were getting up. Then + he had not our breakfast ready when we did get up, which naturally enraged + us. + </p> + <p> + As soon as he got on board that boy made his presence felt. He was very + strong and energetic <span class="pagenum"><a id="page129" name="page129"></a> + </span> in the morning, and spent the first half-hour or so in + flinging coals at each other. This <a name="image-ch15-2" id="image-ch15-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch15-2.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:150px;height:520px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;" + alt=""It was the boy come back with the vegetables"" /> was his + way of breaking them; and he was by nature so patient and humble that he + rather flattered himself when a coal broke at the twentieth attempt. We + used to dream that he was breaking coals on our heads. Often one of us + dashed into the kitchen, threatening to drop him into the river if he did + not sit quite still on a chair for the next two hours. Under these threats + he looked sufficiently scared to satisfy anybody; but as soon as all was + quiet again he crept back to the coal-bunk and was at his old games. + </p> + <p> + It didn't matter what we did, the boy put a stop to it. We tried whist, + and in ten minutes there was a "Hoy, hie, ya-ho!" from the opposite shore. + It was the boy come back with the vegetables. If we were reading, "Ya-ho, + hie!" and some one had to cross for that boy and the water-can. The boy + was on the tow-path <span class="pagenum"><a id="page130" name="page130"></a> + </span> just when we had fallen into a snooze; he had to be taken + across for the milk immediately we had lighted our pipes. On the whole, it + is an open question whether it was not even more annoying to take him over + than to go for him. Two or three times we tried to be sociable and went + into the village together; but no sooner had we begun to enjoy ourselves + than we remembered that we must go back and let the boy ashore. Tennyson + speaks of a company making believe to be merry while all the time the + spirit of a departed one haunted them in their play. That was exactly the + effect of the boy on us. + </p> + <p> + Even without the boy I hardly think we should have been a sociable party. + The sight of so much humanity gathered in one room became a nuisance. We + resorted to all kinds of subterfuge to escape from each other; and the one + who finished breakfast first generally managed to make off with the dingy. + The others were then at liberty to view him in the distance, in midstream, + lying on his back in the bottom of the boat; and it was almost more than + we could stand. The only way to bring him back was to bribe the boy into + saying that he wanted to go across to the village for bacon or black lead + or sardines. Thus even the boy had his uses. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page131" name="page131"></a></span> + Things gradually got worse and worse. I remember only one day when as many + as four of us were on speaking terms. Even this temporary sociability was + only brought about in order that we might combine and fall upon Jimmy with + the more crushing force. Jimmy had put us in an article, representing + himself as a kind of superior person who was making a study of us. The + thing was such a gross caricature, and so dull, that it was Jimmy we were + sorry for rather than ourselves. Still, we gathered round him in a body + and told him what we thought of the matter. Affairs might have gone more + smoothly after this if we four had been able to hold together. + Unfortunately, Jimmy won Marriot over, and next day there was a row all + round, which resulted in our division into five parties. + </p> + <p> + One day Pettigrew visited us. He brought his Gladstone bag with him, but + did not stay over night. He was glad to go; for at first none of us, I am + afraid, was very civil to him, though we afterward thawed a little. He + returned to London and told every one how he found us. I admit we were not + prepared to receive company. The house-boat consisted of five apartments—a + saloon, three bedrooms, and a kitchen. When he boarded us we were + distributed <span class="pagenum"><a id="page132" name="page132"></a> + </span> as follows: I sat smoking in the saloon, Marriot sat smoking + in the first bedroom, Gilray in the second, Jimmy in the third, and + Scrymgeour in the kitchen. The boy did not keep Scrymgeour company. He had + been ordered on deck, where he sat with his legs crossed, the picture of + misery because he had no coals to break. A few days after Pettigrew's + visit we followed him to London, leaving Scrymgeour behind, where we soon + became friendly again. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch15-t" id="image-ch15-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch15-t.png" style="width:400px;height:250px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XV. "There was a row all round, which resulted in our division into five parties"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page133" name="page133"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0016" id="h2HCH0016"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVI. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ARCADIA MIXTURE AGAIN. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch16-h" id="image-ch16-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-ha.png" + style="float: right; clear: right; width: 150px;height:149px; margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XVI. "The Arcadia Mixture again"" /> <img + src="images/ch16-hb.png" + style="float: right; clear: right; width: 121px;height:68px; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;padding:0;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XVI. "The Arcadia Mixture again"" /> + </p> + <p> + One day, some weeks after we left Scrymgeour's house-boat, I was alone in + my rooms, very busy smoking, when William John entered with a telegram. It + was from Scrymgeour, and said, "You have got me into a dreadful mess. Come + down here first train." + </p> + <p> + Wondering what mess I could have got Scrymgeour into, I good-naturedly + obeyed his summons, and soon I was smoking placidly on the deck of the + house-boat, while Scrymgeour, sullen and nervous, tramped back and + forward. I saw quickly that the only tobacco had something to do with his + troubles, for he began by announcing that one evening soon after we left + him he found that we had <span class="pagenum"><a id="page134" + name="page134"></a></span> smoked all his Arcadia. He would have + dispatched the boy to London for it, but the boy had been all day in the + village buying a loaf, and would not be back for hours. Cookham cigars + Scrymgeour could not smoke; cigarettes he only endured if made from the + Arcadia. + </p> + <p> + At Cookham he could only get tobacco that made him uncomfortable. Having + recently begun to use a new pouch, he searched his pockets in vain for odd + shreds of the Mixture to which he had so contemptibly become a slave. In a + very bad temper he took to his dingy, vowing for a little while that he + would violently break the chains that bound him to one tobacco, and + afterward, when he was restored to his senses that he would jilt the + Arcadia gradually. He had pulled some distance down the river, without + regarding the Cliveden Woods, when he all but ran into a blaze of Chinese + lanterns. It was a house-boat called—let us change its name to the + <i>Heathen Chinee</i>. Staying his dingy with a jerk, Scrymgeour looked + up, when a wonderful sight met his eyes. On the open window of an + apparently empty saloon stood a round tin of tobacco, marked "Arcadia + Mixture." + </p> + <p> + Scrymgeour sat gaping. The only sound to be heard, except a soft splash of + water under <span class="pagenum"><a id="page135" name="page135"></a> + </span> <a name="image-ch16-1" id="image-ch16-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-1a.png" + style="float: right; clear: right; width: 400px;height:289px; margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em; padding:0;" + alt=""On the open window ... stood a round tin of tobacco"" /> + <img src="images/ch16-1b.png" + style="float: right; clear: right; width: 192px;height:355px; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;" + alt=""On the open window ... stood a round tin of tobacco"" /> + the house-boat, came from the kitchen, where a servant was breaking + crockery for supper. The romantic figure in the dingy stretched out his + hand and then drew it back, remembering that there was a law against this + sort of thing. He thought to himself, "If I were to wait until the owner + returns, no doubt a man who smokes the Arcadia <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page136" name="page136"></a></span> would feel for me." Then + his fatal horror of explanations whispered to him, "The owner may be a + stupid, garrulous fellow who will detain you here half the night + explaining your situation." Scrymgeour, I want to impress upon the reader, + was, like myself, the sort of a man who, if asked whether he did not think + "In Memoriam" Mr. Browning's greatest poem, would say Yes, as the easiest + way of ending the conversation. Obviously he would save himself trouble by + simply annexing the tin. He seized it and rowed off. + </p> + <p> + Smokers, who know how tobacco develops the finer feelings, hardly require + to be told what happened next. Suddenly Scrymgeour remembered that he was + probably leaving the owner of the <i>Heathen Chinee</i> without any + Arcadia Mixture. He at once filled his pouch, and, pulling softly back to + the house-boat, replaced the tin on the window, his bosom swelling with + the pride of those who give presents. At the same moment a hand gripped + him by the neck, and a girl, somewhere on deck, screamed. + </p> + <p> + Scrymgeour's captor, who was no other than the owner of the <i>Heathen + Chinee</i>, dragged him fiercely into the house-boat and stormed at him + for five minutes. My friend shuddered as he thought of the explanations to + come when he <span class="pagenum"><a id="page137" name="page137"></a> + </span> was allowed to speak, and gradually he realized that he had + been mistaken for someone else—apparently for some young blade who + had been carrying on a clandestine flirtation with the old gentleman's + daughter. It will take an hour, thought Scrymgeour, to convince him that I + am not that person, and another hour to explain why I am really here. Then + the weak creature had an idea: "Might not the simplest plan be to say that + his surmises are correct, promise to give his daughter up, and row away as + quickly as possible?" He began to wonder if the girl was pretty; but saw + it would hardly do to say that he reserved his defence until he could see + her. + </p> + <p> + "I admit," he said, at last, "that I admire your daughter; but she spurned + my advances, and we parted yesterday forever." + </p> + <p> + "Yesterday!" + </p> + <p> + "Or was it the day before?" + </p> + <p> + "Why, sir, I have caught you red-handed!" + </p> + <p> + "This is an accident," Scrymgeour explained, "and I promise never to speak + to her again." Then he added, as an after-thought, "however painful that + may be to me." + </p> + <p> + Before Scrymgeour returned to his dingy he had been told that he would be + drowned if he came near that house-boat again. As he sculled away he had a + glimpse of the flirting daughter, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page138" + name="page138"></a></span> whom he described to me briefly as + being of such engaging appearance that six yards was a trying distance to + be away from her. + </p> + <p> + "Here," thought Scrymgeour that night over a pipe of the Mixture, "the + affair ends; though I dare say the young lady will call me terrible names + when she hears that I have personated her lover. I must take care to avoid + the father now, for he will feel that I have been following <a + name="image-ch16-2" id="image-ch16-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-2a.png" + style="float: left; clear: left; width: 70px;height:47px; margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em; padding:0;" + alt=""A pipe of the Mixture"" /> <img src="images/ch16-2b.png" + style="float: left; clear: left; width: 150px;height:52px; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em; padding:0;" + alt=""A pipe of the Mixture"" /> <img src="images/ch16-2c.png" + style="float: left; clear: left; width: 98px;height:72px; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0;" + alt=""A pipe of the Mixture"" /> him. Perhaps I should have made + a clean breast of it; but I do loathe explanations." + </p> + <p> + Two days afterward Scrymgeour passed the father and daughter on the river. + The lady said "Thank you" to him with her eyes, and, still more + remarkable, the old gentleman bowed. + </p> + <p> + Scrymgeour thought it over. "She is grateful to me," he concluded, "for + drawing away suspicion from the other man, but what can have made the + father so amiable? Suppose she has not told him that I am an impostor, he + should still look upon me as a villain; and if she has told him, he should + be still more furious. It is <span class="pagenum"><a id="page139" + name="page139"></a></span> curious, but no affair of mine." Three + times within the next few days he encountered the lady on the tow-path or + elsewhere with a young gentleman of empty countenance, who, he saw must be + the real Lothario. Once they passed him when he was in the shadow of a + tree, and the lady was making pretty faces with a cigarette <a + name="image-ch16-3" id="image-ch16-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch16-3.png" + style="float: right; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; width:200px;height:202px;padding:0;" + alt=""The lady was making pretty faces with a cigarette in her mouth"" /> + in her mouth. The house-boat <i>Heathen Chinee</i> lay but a short + distance off, and Scrymgeour could see the owner gazing after his daughter + placidly, a pipe between his lips. + </p> + <p> + "He must be approving of her conduct now," was my friend's natural + conclusion. Then one forenoon Scrymgeour travelled to town in the same + compartment as the old gentleman, who was exceedingly frank, and made sly + remarks about romantic young people who met by stealth when there was no + reason why they should not meet openly. "What does <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page140" name="page140"></a></span> he mean?" Scrymgeour asked + himself, uneasily. He saw terribly elaborate explanations gathering and + shrank from them. + </p> + <p> + Then Scrymgeour was one day out in a punt, when he encountered the old + gentleman in a canoe. The old man said, purple with passion, that he was + on his way to pay Mr. Scrymgeour a business visit. "Oh, yes," he + continued, "I know who you are; if I had not discovered you were a man of + means I would not have let the thing go on, and now I insist on an + explanation." + </p> + <p> + Explanations! + </p> + <p> + They made for Scrymgeour's house-boat, with almost no words on the young + man's part; but the father blurted out several things—as that his + daughter knew where he was going when he left the <i>Heathen Chinee</i>, + and that he had an hour before seen Scrymgeour making love to another + girl. + </p> + <p> + "Don't deny it!" cried the indignant father; "I recognized you by your + velvet coat and broad hat." + </p> + <p> + Then Scrymgeour began to see more clearly. The girl had encouraged the + deception, and had been allowed to meet her lover because he was supposed + to be no adventurer but the wealthy Mr. Scrymgeour. She must have told the + fellow to get a coat and hat like his to help the <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page141" name="page141"></a></span> plot. At the time the + artist only saw all this in a jumble. + </p> + <p> + Scrymgeour had bravely resolved to explain everything now; but his + bewilderment may be conceived when, on entering his saloon with the lady's + father, the first thing they saw was the lady herself. The old gentleman + gasped, and his daughter looked at Scrymgeour imploringly. + </p> + <p> + "Now," said the father fiercely, "explain." + </p> + <p> + The lady's tears became her vastly. Hardly knowing what he did, Scrymgeour + put his arm around her. + </p> + <p> + "Well, go on," I said, when at this point Scrymgeour stopped. + </p> + <p> + "There is no more to tell," he replied; "you see the girl allowed me to—well, + protect her—and—and the old gentleman thinks we are engaged." + </p> + <p> + "I don't wonder. What does the lady say?" + </p> + <p> + "She says that she ran along the bank and got into my house-boat by the + plank, meaning to see me before her father arrived and to entreat me to + run away." + </p> + <p> + "With her?" + </p> + <p> + "No, without her." + </p> + <p> + "But what does she say about explaining matters to her father?" + </p> + <p> + "She says she dare not, and as for me, I could not. That was why I + telegraphed to you." + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page142" name="page142"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + "You want me to be intercessor? No, Scrymgeour; your only honorable course + is marriage." + </p> + <p> + "But you must help me. It is all your fault, teaching me to like the + Arcadia Mixture." + </p> + <p> + I thought this so impudent of Scrymgeour that I bade him good-night at + once. All the men on the stair are still confident that he would have + married her, had the lady not cut the knot by eloping with Scrymgeour's + double. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch16-t" id="image-ch16-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch16-t.png" style="width:300px;height:480px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XVI." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page143" name="page143"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0017" id="h2HCH0017"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE ROMANCE OF A PIPE-CLEANER. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch17-h" id="image-ch17-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch17-ha.png" + style="width: 400px;height:113px; float:left; clear:left; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XVII. "He was in love again"" /> <img + src="images/ch17-hb.png" + style="width: 257px;height:465px; float:left; clear:left; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XVII. "He was in love again"" /> + </p> + <p> + We continued to visit the <i>Arcadia</i>, though only one at a time now, + and Gilray, who went most frequently, also remained longest. In other + words, he was in love again, and this time she lived at Cookham. Marriot's + love affairs I pushed from me with a wave of my pipe, but Gilray's second + case was serious. + </p> + <p> + In time, however, he returned to the Arcadia Mixture, though not until the + house-boat was in its winter quarters. I witnessed his complete recovery, + the scene being his chambers. Really it is rather a pathetic story, and so + I give the telling of it to a rose, which the <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page144" name="page144"></a></span> lady once presented to + Gilray. Conceive the rose lying, as I saw it, on Gilray's hearth-rug, and + then imagine it whispering as follows: + </p> + <p> + "A wire was round me that white night on the river when she let him take + me from her. Then I hated the wire. Alas! hear the end. + </p> + <p> + "My moments are numbered; and if I would expose him with my dying sigh, I + must not sentimentalize over my own decay. They were in a punt, her hand + trailing in the water, when I became his. When they parted that night at + Cookham Lock, he held her head in his hands, and they gazed in each + other's eyes. Then he turned away quickly; when he reached the punt again + he was whistling. Several times before we came to the house-boat in which + he and another man lived, he felt in his pocket to make sure that I was + still there. At the house-boat he put me in a tumbler of water out of + sight of his friend, and frequently he stole to the spot like a thief to + look at me. Early next morning he put me in his buttonhole, calling me + sweet names. When his friend saw me, he too whistled, but not in the same + way. Then my owner glared at him. This happened many months ago. + </p> + <p> + "Next evening I was in a garden that slopes to the river. I was on his + breast, and so for a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page145" name="page145"></a> + </span> moment was she. His voice was so soft and low as he said to + her the words he had said to me the night before, that I slumbered in a + dream. When I awoke suddenly he was raging at her, and she cried. I know + not why they <a name="image-ch17-1" id="image-ch17-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch17-1.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:400px;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em; padding:0;" + alt=""I heard him walking up and down the deck"" /> quarrelled so + quickly, but it was about some one whom he called 'that fellow,' while she + called him a 'friend of papa's.' He looked at her for a long time again, + and then said coldly that he wished her a very good-evening. She bowed and + went toward a house, humming a merry air, while he pretended to light a + cigarette made from a tobacco of which he was very fond. Till very late + that night I heard him walking up and down the deck of the house-boat, his + friend shouting to him not to be an ass. Me he had flung fiercely on the + floor of the house-boat. About midnight he came downstairs, his face + white, and, snatching me up, put me in his pocket. Again we went into the + punt, and he pushed it within sight of the garden. There he pulled in his + pole and lay <span class="pagenum"><a id="page146" name="page146"></a> + </span> groaning in the punt, letting it drift, while he called her + his beloved and a little devil. Suddenly he took me from his pocket, + kissed me, and cast me down from him into the night. I fell among reeds, + head downward; and there I lay all through the cold, horrid night. The + gray morning came at last, then the sun, and a boat now and again. I + thought I had found my grave, when I saw his punt coming toward the reeds. + He searched everywhere for me, and at last he found me. So delighted and + affectionate was he that I forgave him my sufferings, only I was jealous + of a letter in his other pocket, which he read over many times, murmuring + that it explained everything. + </p> + <p> + "Her I never saw again, but I heard her voice. He kept me now in a leather + case in an inner pocket, where I was squeezed very flat. What they said to + each other I could not catch; but I understood afterward, for he always + repeated to me what he had been saying to her, and many times he was + loving, many times angry, like a bad man. At last came a day when he had a + letter from her containing many things he had given her, among them a ring + on which she had seemed to set great store. What it all meant I never + rightly knew, but he flung the ring into the Thames, calling her all the + old <span class="pagenum"><a id="page147" name="page147"></a></span> + wicked names and some new ones. I remember how we rushed to her house, + along the bank this time, and that she asked him to be her brother; but he + screamed denunciations at her, again speaking of 'that fellow,' and saying + that he was going to-morrow to Manitoba. + </p> + <p> + "So far as I know, they saw each other no more. He walked on the deck so + much now that his friend went back to London, saying he could get no + sleep. Sometimes we took long walks alone; often we sat for hours looking + at the river, for on those occasions he would take me out of the leather + case and put me on his knee. One day his friend came back and told him + that he would soon get over it, he himself having once had a similar + experience; but my master said no one had ever loved as he loved, and + muttered 'Vixi, vixi' to himself till the other told him not to be a fool, + but to come to the hotel and have something to eat. Over this they + quarrelled, my master hinting that he would eat no more; but he ate + heartily after his friend was gone. + </p> + <p> + "After a time we left the house-boat, and were in chambers in a great inn. + I was still in his pocket, and heard many conversations between him and + people who came to see him, and he would tell them that he loathed the + society <span class="pagenum"><a id="page148" name="page148"></a></span> + of women. When they told him, as one or two did, that they were in love, + he always said that he had gone through that stage ages ago. Still, at + nights he would take me out of my case, when he was alone, and look at me; + after which he walked up and down the room in an agitated manner and cried + 'Vixi.' + </p> + <p> + "By and by he left me in a coat that he was no longer wearing. Before this + he had always put me into whatever coat he had on. I lay neglected, I + think, for a month, until one day he felt the pockets of the coat for + something else, and pulled me out. I don't think he remembered what was in + the leather case at first; but as he looked at me his face filled with + sentiment, and next day he took me with him to Cookham. The winter was + come, and it was a cold day. There were no boats on the river. He walked + up the bank to the garden where was the house in which she had lived; but + the place was now deserted. On the garden gate he sat down, taking me from + his pocket; and here, I think, he meant to recall the days that were dead. + But a cold, piercing wind was blowing, and many times he looked at his + watch, putting it to his ear as if he thought it had stopped. After a + little he took to flinging stones into the water, for something to do; and + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page149" name="page149"></a></span> + then he went to the hotel and stayed there till he got a train back to + London. We were home many hours before he meant to be back, and that night + he went to a theatre. + </p> + <p> + "That was my last day in the leather case. He keeps something else in it + now. He flung me among old papers, smoking-caps, slippers, and other odds + and ends into a box, where I have remained until to-night. A month or more + ago he rummaged in the box for some old letters, and coming upon me + unexpectedly, he jagged his finger on the wire. 'Where on earth did you + come from?' he asked me. Then he remembered, and flung me back among the + papers with a laugh. Now we come to to-night. An hour ago I heard him + blowing down something, then stamping his feet. From his words I knew that + his pipe was stopped. I heard him ring a bell and ask angrily who had gone + off with his pipe-cleaners. He bustled through the room looking for them + or for a substitute, and after a time he cried aloud, 'I have it; that + would do; but where was it I saw the thing last?' He pulled out several + drawers, looked through his desk, and then opened the box in which I lay. + He tumbled its contents over until he found me, and then he pulled me out, + exclaiming, 'Eureka!' My heart sank, for I understood all as I fell <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page150" name="page150"></a></span> leaf by + leaf on the hearth-rug where I now lie. He took the wire off me and used + it to clean his pipe." + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch17-t" id="image-ch17-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch17-t.png" style="width:400px;height:579px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XVII. "He took the wire off me and used it to clean his pipe"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page151" name="page151"></a></span> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0018" id="h2HCH0018"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <h2> + CHAPTER XVIII. + </h2> + <h3> + WHAT COULD HE DO? + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch18-h" id="image-ch18-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch18-ha.png" + style="width: 400px;height:171px; float:left; clear:left;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XVIII. "I had walked from Spondinig to Franzenshohe"" /> + <img src="images/ch18-hb.png" + style="width: 173px;height:251px; float:left; clear:left;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XVIII. "I had walked from Spondinig to Franzenshohe"" /> + </p> + <p style="margin-top:190px;"> + This was another of Marriot's perplexities of the heart. He had been on + the Continent, and I knew from his face, the moment he returned, that I + would have a night of him. + </p> + <p> + "On the 4th of September," he began, playing agitatedly with my + tobacco-pouch, which was not for hands like his, "I had walked from + Spondinig to Franzenshohe, which is a Tyrolese inn near the top of Stelvio + Pass. From the inn to a very fine glacier is only a stroll of a few + minutes; but the path is broken by a roaring stream. The only bridge + across this stream is a plank, which seemed to give way as I put <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page152" name="page152"></a></span> my foot + on it. I drew back, for the stream would be called one long waterfall in + England. Though a passionate admirer of courage, I easily lose my head + myself, and I did not dare to venture across the plank. I walked up the + stream, looking in vain for another crossing, and finally sat down on a + wilderness of stones, from which I happened to have a good view of the <a + name="image-ch18-1" id="image-ch18-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch18-1.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:459px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""On the middle of the plank she had turned to kiss her hand"" /> + plank. In parties of two and three a number of tourists strolled down the + path; but they were all afraid to cross the bridge. I saw them test it + with their alpenstocks; but none would put more than one foot on it. They + gathered there at their wit's end. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page153" + name="page153"></a></span> Suddenly I saw that there was some one + on the plank. It was a young lady. I stood up and gazed. She was perhaps a + hundred yards away from me; but I could distinctly make out her swaying, + girlish figure, her deer-stalker cap, and the ends of her boa (as, I + think, those long, furry things are called) floating in the wind. In a + moment she was safe on the other side; but on the middle of the plank she + had turned to kiss her hand to some of her more timid friends, and it was + then that I fell in love with her. No doubt it was the very place for + romance, if one was sufficiently clad; but I am not 'susceptible,' as it + is called, and I had never loved before. On the other hand, I was always a + firm believer in love at first sight, which, as you will see immediately, + is at the very root of my present sufferings. + </p> + <p> + "The other tourists, their fears allayed, now crossed the plank, but I + hurried away anywhere; and found myself an hour afterward on a hillside, + surrounded by tinkling cows. All that time I had been thinking of a plank + with a girl on it. I returned hastily to the inn, to hear that the heroine + of the bridge and her friends had already driven off up the pass. My + intention had been to stay at Franzenshohe over night, but of course I at + once followed the line of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page154" + name="page154"></a></span> carriages which could be seen crawling + up the winding road. It was no difficult matter to overtake them, and in + half an hour I was within a few yards of the hindmost carriage. It + contained her of whom I was in pursuit. Her back was toward me, but I + recognized the cap and the boa. I confess that I was nervous about her + face, which I had not yet seen. So often had I been disappointed in ladies + when they showed their faces, that I muttered Jimmy's aphorism to myself: + 'The saddest thing in life is that most women look best from the back.' + But when she looked round all anxiety was dispelled. So far as your advice + is concerned, it cannot matter to you what she was like. Briefly, she was + charming. + </p> + <p> + "I am naturally shy, and so had more difficulty in making her acquaintance + than many travellers would have had. It was at the baths of Bormio that we + came together. I had bribed a waiter to seat me next her father at dinner; + but, when the time came, I could say nothing to him, so anxious was I to + create a favorable impression. In the evening, however, I found the family + gathered round a pole, with skittles at the foot of it. They were + wondering how Italian skittles was played, and, though I had no idea, I + volunteered to teach them. Fortunately <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page155" name="page155"></a></span> none of them understood + Italian, and consequently the expostulations of the boy in charge were + disregarded. It is not my intention to dwell upon the + never-to-be-forgotten days—ah, and still more the evenings—we + spent at the baths of Bormio. I had loved her as she crossed the plank; + but daily now had I more cause to love her, and it was at Bormio that she + learned—I say it with all humility—to love me. The seat in the + garden on which I proposed is doubtless still to be seen, with the chair + near it on which her papa was at that very moment sitting, with one of his + feet on a small table. During the three sunny days that followed, my life + was one delicious dream, with no sign that the awakening was at hand. + </p> + <p> + "So far I had not mentioned the incident at Franzenshohe to her. Perhaps + you will call my reticence contemptible; but the fact is, I feared to fall + in her esteem. I could not have spoken of the plank without admitting that + I was afraid to cross it; and then what would she, who was a heroine, + think of a man who was so little of a hero? Thus, though I had told her + many times that I fell in love with her at first sight, she thought I + referred to the time when she first saw me. She liked to hear me say that + I believed in no love but love at <span class="pagenum"><a id="page156" + name="page156"></a></span> first sight; and, looking back, I can + recall saying it at least once on every seat in the garden at the baths of + Bormio. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch18-2" id="image-ch18-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch18-2.png" + style="float:right;width:150px;height:466px;padding:0;margin:.5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""Then she burst into tears"" /> "Do you know Tirano, a + hamlet in a nest of vines, where Italian soldiers strut and women sleep in + the sun beside baskets of fruit? How happily we entered it; were we the + same persons who left it within an hour? I was now travelling with her + party; and at Tirano, while the others rested, she and I walked down a + road between vines and Indian corn. Why I should then have told her that I + loved her for a whole day before she saw me I cannot tell. It may have + been something she said, perhaps only an irresistible movement of her + head; for her grace was ever taking me by surprise, and she was a + revelation a thousand times a day. But whatever it was that made me speak + out, I suddenly told her that I fell in love with her as she stood upon + the plank at Franzenshohe. I remember her stopping short at a point where + there had probably once been a gate to the vineyard, and I thought she was + angry with me for not having told her of the Franzenshohe incident before. + Soon the pallor of her face alarmed me. She entreated me to say it was not + at Franzenshohe that I first loved her, and I fancied she was afraid lest + her behavior on the bridge had <span class="pagenum"><a id="page157" + name="page157"></a></span> seemed a little bold. I told her it was + divine, and pictured the scene as only an anxious lover could do. Then she + burst into tears, and we went back silently to her relatives. She would + not say a word to me. + </p> + <p> + "We drove to Sondrio, and before we reached it I dare say I was as pale as + she. A horrible thought had flashed upon me. At Sondrio I took her papa + aside, and, without telling him what had happened, questioned him about + his impressions of Franzenshohe. 'You remember the little bridge,' he + said, 'that we were all afraid to cross; by Jove! I have often wondered + who that girl was that ventured over it first.' + </p> + <p> + "I hastened away from him to think. My fears had been confirmed. It was + not she who had first crossed the plank. Therefore it was not she with + whom I had fallen in love. Nothing could be plainer than that I was in + love with the wrong person. All the time I had loved <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page158" name="page158"></a></span> another. But who was she? + Besides, did I love her? Certainly not. Yes, but why did I love this one? + The whole foundation of my love had been swept away. Yet the love + remained. Which is absurd. + </p> + <p> + "At Colico I put the difficulty to her father; but he is stout, and did + not understand its magnitude. He said he could not see how it mattered. As + for her, I have never mentioned it to her again; but she is always + thinking of it, and so am I. A wall has risen up between us, and how to + get over it or whether I have any right to get over it, I know not. Will + you help me—and her?" + </p> + <p> + "Certainly not," I said. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch18-t" id="image-ch18-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch18-t.png" style="width:400px;height:227px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XVIII. "A wall has risen up between us"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page159" name="page159"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0019" id="h2HCH0019"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch19-h" id="image-ch19-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-ha.png" + style="width: 400px;height:309px; float:left; clear:left; padding: 0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XIX. "Primus"" /> <img + src="images/ch19-hb.png" + style="width: 181px;height:153px; float:left; clear:left; padding: 0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XIX. "Primus"" /> + </p> + <h2 style="margin-top: 325px;"> + CHAPTER XIX. + </h2> + <h3> + PRIMUS. + </h3> + <p> + Primus is my brother's eldest son, and he once spent his Easter holidays + with me. I did not want him, nor was he anxious to come, but circumstances + were too strong for us, and, to be just to Primus, he did his best to show + me that I was not in his way. He was then at the age when boys begin to + address each other by their surnames. + </p> + <p> + I have said that I always took care not to know how much tobacco I smoked + in a week, and therefore I may be hinting a libel on Primus <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page160" name="page160"></a></span> when I + say that while he was with me the Arcadia disappeared mysteriously. Though + he spoke respectfully of the Mixture—as became my nephew—he + tumbled it on to the table, so that he might make a telephone out of the + tins, and he had a passion for what he called "snipping cigars." + Scrymgeour gave him a cigar-cutter which was pistol-shaped. You put the + cigar end in a hole, pull the trigger, and the cigar was snipped. The + simplicity of the thing fascinated Primus, and after his return to school + I found that he had broken into my Cabana boxes and snipped nearly three + hundred cigars. + </p> + <p> + As soon as he arrived Primus laid siege to the heart of William John, + captured it in six hours, and demoralized it in twenty-four. We, who had + known William John for years, considered him very practical, but Primus + fired him with tales of dark deeds at "old Poppy's"—which was + Primus's handy name for his preceptor—and in a short time William + John was so full of romance that we could not trust him to black our + boots. He and Primus had a scheme for seizing a lugger and becoming + pirates, when Primus was to be captain, William John first lieutenant, and + old Poppy a prisoner. To the crew was added a boy with a catapult, one + Johnny Fox, who was another victim of the <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page161" name="page161"></a></span> <a name="image-ch19-1" + id="image-ch19-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-1.png" + style="float:left; clear:left; width:150px;height:698px; padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""Many tall hats struck, to topple in the dust"" /> tyrant + Poppy, and they practised walking the plank at Scrymgeour's window. The + plank was pushed nearly half-way out at the window, and you walked up it + until it toppled and you were flung into the quadrangle. Such was the + romance of William John that he walked the plank with his arms tied, + shouting scornfully, by request, "Captain Kidd, I defy you! ha, ha! the + buccaneer does not live who will blanch the cheeks of Dick, the Doughty + Tar!" Then William John disappeared, and had to be put in poultices. + </p> + <p> + While William John was in bed slowly recovering from his heroism, the + pirate captain and Johnny Fox got me into trouble by stretching a string + across the square, six feet from the ground, against which many tall hats + struck, to topple in the dust. An improved sling from the Lowther Arcade + kept the glazier constantly in the inn. Primus and Johnny Fox strolled + into Holborn, knocked a bootblack's cap off, and returned with lumps on + their foreheads. They <span class="pagenum"><a id="page162" name="page162"></a> + </span> were observed one day in Hyde Park—whither it may be + feared they had gone with cigarettes—running after sheep, from which + ladies were flying, while street-arabs chased the pirates, and a policeman + chased the street-arabs. The only book they read was the "Comic History of + Rome," the property of Gilray. This they liked so much that Primus papered + the inside of his box with pictures from it. The only authors they + consulted me about were "two big swells" called Descartes and James Payn, + of whom Primus discovered that the one could always work best in bed, + while the other thought Latin and Greek a mistake. It was the intention of + the pirates to call old Poppy's attention to these gentlemen's views. + </p> + <p> + Soon after Primus came to me I learned that his schoolmaster had given him + a holiday task. All the "fellows" in his form had to write an essay + entitled "My Holidays, and How I Turned Them to Account," and to send it + to their preceptor. Primus troubled his head little about the task while + the composition of it was yet afar off; but as his time drew near he + referred to it with indignation, and to his master's action in prescribing + it as a "low trick." He frightened the housekeeper into tears by saying + that he would not write a line of the task, and, what <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page163" name="page163"></a></span> <a name="image-ch19-2" + id="image-ch19-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-2a.png" + style="width: 400px;height:149px; float:right; clear:right; padding:0; margin: .5em 0em 0 1em;" + alt=""Running after sheep, from which ladies were flying"" /> + <img src="images/ch19-2b.png" + style="width: 131px;height:441px; float:right; clear:right; padding:0; margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""Running after sheep, from which ladies were flying"" /> was + more, he would "cheek" his master for imposing it; and I also heard that + he and Johnny had some thought of writing the essay in a form suggested by + their perusal of the "Comic History of Rome." One day I found a paper in + my chambers which told me that the task was nevertheless receiving serious + consideration. It was the instructions given by Primus's master with + regard to the essay, which was to be "in the form of a letter," and "not + less than five hundred words in length." The writer, it was suggested, + should give a general sketch of how he was passing his time, what books he + was reading, and "how he was making the home brighter." I did not know + that Primus had risen equal to the occasion until one day after his + departure, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page164" name="page164"></a> + </span> when I received his epistle from the schoolmaster, who wanted + me to say whether it was a true statement. Here is Primus's essay on his + holidays and how he made the home brighter: + </p> + <p> + "<span class="sc">Respected Sir</span>:—I venture to address you on + a subject of jeneral interest to all engaged in education, and the subject + I venture to address you on is, 'My Hollidays and How I Turned Them to + Account.' Three weeks and two days has now elapsed since I quitted your + scholastic establishment, and I quitted your scholastic establishment with + tears in my eyes, it being the one of all the scholastic establishments I + have been at that I loved to reside in, and everybody was of an amiable + disposition. Hollidays is good for making us renew our studdies with + redoubled vigor, the mussels needing to be invigorated, and I have not + overworked mind and body in my hollidays. I found my uncle well, and drove + in a handsome to the door, and he thought I was much improved both in + appearance and manners; and I said it was jew to the loving care of my + teacher making improvement in appearance and manners a pleasure to the + youth of England. My uncle was partiklarly pleased with the improvement I + had made, not only in my appearance and manners, but also in my studies; + and I told him Casear was the Latin <span class="pagenum"><a id="page165" + name="page165"></a></span> writer I liked best, and quoted '<i>veni, + vidi, vici</i>,' and some others which I regret I cannot mind at present. + With your kind permission I should like to write you a line about how I + spend my <a name="image-ch19-3" id="image-ch19-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch19-3a.png" + style="float:right; clear:right; width: 150px; margin:.5em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;" + alt=""I should like to write you a line"" /> <img + src="images/ch19-3b.png" + style="float:right; clear:right; width: 106px; margin:0em 0em .5em 1em;padding:0;" + alt=""I should like to write you a line"" /> days during the + hollidays; and my first way of spending my days during the hollidays is + whatsoever my hands find to do doing it with all my might; also setting my + face nobly against hurting the fealings of others, and minding to say, + before I go to sleep, 'Something attempted, something done, to earn a + night's repose,' as advised by you, my esteemed communicant. I spend my + days during the hollidays getting up early, so as to be down in time for + breakfast, and not to give no trouble. At breakfast I behave like a model, + so as to set a good example; and then I go out for a walk with my esteemed + young friend, John Fox, whom I chose carefully for a friend, fearing to + corrupt my morals by holding communications with rude boys. The J. Fox + whom I mentioned is esteemed by all who knows him as of a unusually gentle + disposition; <span class="pagenum"><a id="page166" name="page166"></a> + </span> and you know him, respected sir, yourself, he being in my + form, and best known in regretble slang as 'Foxy.' We walks in Hyde Park + admiring the works of nature, and keeps up our classics when we see a tree + by calling it 'arbor' and then going through the declensions; but we never + climbs trees for fear of messing the clothes bestowed upon us by our + beloved parents in the sweat of their brow; and we scorns to fling stones + at the beautiful warblers which fill the atmosfere with music. In the + afternoons I spend my days during the hollidays talking with the + housekeeper about the things she understands, like not taking off my + flannels till June 15, and also praising the matron at the school for + seeing about the socks. In the evening I devote myself to whatever good + cause I can think of; and I always take off my boots and put on my + slippers, so as not to soil the carpet. I should like, respected sir, to + inform you of the books I read when my duties does not call me elsewhere; + and the books I read are the works of William Shakespeare, John Milton, + Albert Tennyson, and Francis Bacon. Me and John Fox also reads the + 'History of Rome,' so as to prime ourselves with the greatness of the + past; and we hopes the glorious examples of Romulus and Remus, but + especially Hannibal, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page167" name="page167"></a> + </span> will sink into our minds to spur us along. I am desirous to + acquaint you with the way I make my uncle's home brighter; but the 500 + words is up. So looking forward eagerly to resume my studdies, I am, + respected sir, your dilligent pupil." + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch19-t" id="image-ch19-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch19-t.png" style="width:400px;height:405px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XIX. "I am, respected sir, your diligent pupil"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page168" name="page168"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0020" id="h2HCH0020"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XX. + </h2> + <h3> + PRIMUS TO HIS UNCLE. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch20-h" id="image-ch20-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch20-h.png" + style="float: left; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0; width:150px;height:406px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XX." /> + </p> + <p> + Though we all pretended to be glad when Primus went, we spoke of him + briefly at times, and I read his letters aloud at our evening meetings. + Here is a series of them from my desk. Primus was now a year and a half + older and his spelling had improved. + </p> + <p> + I. + </p> + <p> + <i>November 16th.</i> + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—Though I have not written to you + for a long time I often think about you and Mr. Gilray and the rest and + the Arcadia Mixture, and I beg to state that my mother will have informed + you I am well and happy but a little overworked, as I am desirous of + pleasing my preceptor by obtaining a credible position in the exams, and + we breakfast at 7:30 sharp. I suppose you are to give me a six-shilling + thing again as a Christmas present, so I drop you a <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page169" name="page169"></a></span> line not to buy something + I don't want, as it is only thirty-nine days to Christmas. I think I'll + have a book again, but not a fairy tale or any of that sort, nor the + "Swiss Family Robinson," nor any of the old books. There is a rattling + story called "Kidnapped," by H. Rider Haggard, but it is only five + shillings, so if you thought of it you could make up the six shillings by + giving me a football belt. Last year you gave me "The Formation of + Character," and I read it with great mental improvement and all that, but + this time I want a change, namely, (1) not a fairy tale, (2) not an old + book, (3) not mental improvement book. Don't fix on anything without + telling me first what it is. Tell William John I walked into Darky and + settled him in three rounds. Best regards to Mr. Gilray and the others. + </p> + <p> + II. + </p> + <p> + <i>November 19th</i>. + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—Our preceptor is against us + writing letters he doesn't see, so I have to carry the paper to the + dormitory up my waistcoat and write there, and I wish old Poppy smoked the + Arcadia Mixture to make him more like you. Never mind about the football + belt, as I got Johnny Fox's for two white mice; so I don't <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page170" name="page170"></a></span> want + "Kidnapped," which I wrote about to you, as I want you to stick to + six-shilling book. There is one called "Dead Man's Rock" that Dickson + Secundus has heard about, and it sounds well; but it is never safe to go + by the name, so don't buy it till I hear more about it. If you see + biographies of it in the newspapers you might send them to me, as it + should be about pirates by the title, but the author does not give his + name, which is rather suspicious. So, remember, don't buy it yet, and also + find out price, whether illustrated, and how many pages. Ballantyne's + story this year is about the fire-brigade; but I don't think I'll have it, + as he is getting rather informative, and I have one of his about the + fire-brigade already. Of course I don't fix not to have it, only don't buy + it at present. Don't buy "Dead Man's Rock" either. I am working + diligently, and tell the housekeeper my socks is all right. We may fix on + "Dead Man's Rock," but it is best not to be in a hurry. + </p> + <p> + III. + </p> + <p> + <i>November 24th</i>. + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—I don't think I'll have "Dead + Man's Rock," as Hope has two stories out this year, and he is a safe man + to go to. The <span class="pagenum"><a id="page171" name="page171"></a> + </span> worst of it is that they are three-and-six each, and Dickson + Secundus says they are continuations of each other, so it is best to have + them both or neither. The two at three-and-six would make seven shillings, + and I wonder if you would care to go that length this year. I am getting + on first rate with my Greek, and will do capital <a name="image-ch20-1" + id="image-ch20-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch20-1a.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:400px;height:229px; padding:0;margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em ;" + alt=""Reading Primus's letters"" /> <img src="images/ch20-1b.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width: 87px;height: 99px; padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""Reading Primus's letters"" /> if my health does not break + down with overpressure. Perhaps if you bought the two you would get them + for 6s. 6d. Or what do you say to the housekeeper's giving me a shilling + of it, and not sending the neckties? + </p> + <p> + IV. + </p> + <p> + <i>November 26th.</i> + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—I was disappointed at not + hearing from you this morning, but conclude <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page172" name="page172"></a></span> you are very busy. I don't + want Hope's books, but I think I'll rather have a football. We played + Gloucester on Tuesday and beat them all to sticks (five goals two tries to + one try!!!). It would cost 7s. 6d., and I'll make up the one-and-six + myself out of my pocket-money; but you can pay it all just now, and then + I'll pay you later when I am more flush than I am at present. I'd better + buy it myself, or you might not get the right kind, so you might send the + money in a postal order by return. You get the postal orders at the + nearest postoffice, and inclose them in a letter. I want the football at + once. (1) Not a book of any kind whatever; (2) a football, but I'll buy it + myself; (3) price 7s. 6d.; (4) send postal order. + </p> + <p> + V. + </p> + <p> + <i>November 29th.</i> + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—Kindly inform William John that + I am in receipt of his favor of yesterday prox., and also your message, + saying am I sure it is a football I want. I have to inform you that I have + changed my mind and think I'll stick to a book (or two books according to + price), after all. Dickson Secundus has seen a newspaper biography of + "Dead Man's Rock" and it is ripping, but, unfortunately, there is a lot in + it about a girl. So don't buy "Dead Man's Rock" for <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page173" name="page173"></a></span> me. I told Fox about + Hope's two books and he advises me to get one of them (3s. 6d.), and to + take the rest of the money (2s. 6d.) in cash, making in all six shillings. + I don't know if I should like that plan, though fair to both parties, as + Dickson Secundus once took money from his father instead of a book and it + went like winking with nothing left to show for it; but I'll think it over + between my scholastic tasks and write to you again, so do nothing till you + hear from me, and mind I don't want football. + </p> + <p> + VI. + </p> + <p> + <i>December 3d</i>. + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—Don't buy Hope's books. There is + a grand story out by Jules Verne about a man who made a machine that + enabled him to walk on his head through space with seventy-five + illustrations; but the worst of it is it costs half a guinea. Of course I + don't ask you to give so much as that; but it is a pity it cost so much, + as it is evidently a ripping book, and nothing like it. Ten-and-six is a + lot of money. What do you think? I inclose for your consideration a + newspaper account of it, which says it will fire the imagination and teach + boys to be manly and self-reliant. Of course you could not give it to me; + but I think it would do me good, and am working so hard that I have no + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page174" name="page174"></a></span> + time for physical exercise. It is to be got at all booksellers. P.S.—Fox + has read "Dead Man's Rock," and likes it A 1. + </p> + <p> + VII. + </p> + <p> + <i>December 4th.</i> + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—I was thinking about Jules + Verne's book last night after I went to bed, and I see a way of getting it + which both Dickson Secundus and Fox consider fair. I want you to give it + to me as my Christmas present for both this year and next year. Thus I + won't want a present from you next Christmas; but I don't mind that so + long as I get this book. One six-shilling book this year and another next + year would come to 12s., and Jules Verne's book is only 10s. 6d., so this + plan will save you 1s. 6d. in the long run. I think you should buy it at + once, in case they are all sold out before Christmas. + </p> + <p> + VIII. + </p> + <p> + <i>December 5th.</i> + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">My Dear Uncle</span>:—I hope you haven't bought the + book yet, as Dickson Secundus has found out that there is a shop in the + Strand where all the books are sold cheap. You get threepence off every + shilling, so you would get a ten-and-six book for 7s. 10-½d. That + will let <span class="pagenum"><a id="page175" name="page175"></a></span> + you get me a cheapish one next year, after all. I inclose the address. + </p> + <p> + IX. + </p> + <p> + <i>December 7th</i>. + </p> + <p> + <span class="sc">Dear Uncle</span>:—Dickson Secundus was looking + to-day at "The Formation of Character," which you gave me last year, and + he has found out that it was bought in the shop in the Strand that I wrote + you about, so you got it for 4s. 6d. We have been looking up the books I + got from you at other Christmases, and they all have the stamp on them + which shows they were bought at that shop. Some of them I got when I was a + kid, and that was the time you gave me 2s. and 3s. 6d. books; but Dickson + Secundus and Fox have been helping me to count up how much you owe me as + follows: + </p> + <table border="0" summary="Books and their prices" cellspacing="1" cellpadding="0"> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td colspan="3"> + <i>Nominal<br /> Price.</i> + </td> + <td colspan="2"> + <i>Price<br /> Paid.</i> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td> + <i>£</i> + </td> + <td> + <i>s.</i> + </td> + <td> + <i>d.</i> + </td> + <td> + <i>s.</i> + </td> + <td> + <i>d.</i> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + 1850 "Sunshine and Shadow" ... + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 2 + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 1 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + 1881 "Honesty Jack" ... + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 2 + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 1 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + 1882 "The Boy Makes the Man" ... + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 3 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + <td> + 2 + </td> + <td> + 7½ + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + 1883 "Great Explorers" ... + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 3 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + <td> + 2 + </td> + <td> + 7½ + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + 1884 "Shooting the Rapids" ... + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 3 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + <td> + 2 + </td> + <td> + 7½ + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + 1885 "The Boy Voyagers" ... + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 5 + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 3 + </td> + <td> + 9 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + 1886 "The Formation of Character"... + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 4 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td colspan="3"> + <hr class="full" /> + </td> + <td colspan="2"> + <hr class="full" /> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td> + 1 + </td> + <td> + 5 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + <td> + 19 + </td> + <td> + 1½ + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 19 + </td> + <td> + 1½ + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td colspan="3"> + <hr class="full" /> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td></td> + <td> + 0 + </td> + <td> + 6 + </td> + <td> + 4½ + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page176" name="page176"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + Thus 6s. 4½d. is the exact sum. The best plan will be for you not + to buy anything for me till I get my holidays, when my father is to bring + me to London. Tell William John I am coming. + </p> + <p> + P.S.—I told my father about the Arcadia Mixture, and that is why he + is coming to London. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch20-t" id="image-ch20-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch20-t.jpg" style="width:400px;height:726px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XX." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page177" name="page177"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0021" id="h2HCH0021"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXI. + </h2> + <h3> + ENGLISH-GROWN TOBACCO. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch21-h" id="image-ch21-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch21-ha.png" + style="width: 400px;height:187px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXI. "English-grown tobacco"" /> <img + src="images/ch21-hb.png" + style="width: 195px;height:339px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXI. "English-grown tobacco"" /> + </p> + <p> + Pettigrew asked me to come to his house one evening and test some tobacco + that had been grown in his brother's Devonshire garden. I had so far had + no opportunity of judging for myself whether this attempt to grow tobacco + on English soil was to succeed. Very complimentary was Pettigrew's + assertion that he had restrained himself from trying the tobacco until we + could test it in company. At the dinner-table while Mrs. Pettigrew was + present we managed to talk for a time of other matters; but the tobacco + was on our minds, and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page178" name="page178"></a> + </span> I was glad to see that, despite her raillery, my hostess had a + genuine interest in the coming experiment. She drew an amusing picture, no + doubt a little exaggerated, of her husband's difficulty in refraining from + testing the tobacco until my arrival, declaring that every time she + entered the smoking-room she found him staring at it. Pettigrew took this + in good part, and informed me that she had carried the tobacco several + times into the drawing-room to show it proudly to her friends. He was very + delighted, he said, that I was to remain over night, as that would give us + a long evening to test the tobacco thoroughly. A neighbor of his had also + been experimenting; and Pettigrew, who has a considerable sense of humor, + told me a diverting story about this gentleman and his friends having + passed judgment on home-grown tobacco after smoking one pipe of it! We + were laughing over the ridiculously unsatisfactory character of this test + (so called) when we adjourned to the smoking-room. Before we did so Mrs. + Pettigrew bade me good-night. She had also left strict orders with the + servants that we were on no account to be disturbed. + </p> + <p> + As soon as we were comfortably seated in our smoking-chairs, which takes + longer than some people think, Pettigrew offered me a <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page179" name="page179"></a></span> Cabana. I would have + preferred to begin at once with the tobacco; but of course he was my host, + and I put myself entirely in his hands. I noticed that, from the moment + his wife left us, he was a little excited, talking more than is his wont. + He seemed to think that he was not doing his duty as a host if the + conversation flagged for a moment, and what was still more curious, he + spoke of everything except his garden tobacco. I emphasize this here at + starting, lest any one should think that I was in any way responsible for + the manner in which our experiment was conducted. If fault there was, it + lies at Pettigrew's door. I remember distinctly asking him—not in a + half-hearted way, but boldly—to produce his tobacco. I did this at + an early hour of the proceedings, immediately after I had lighted a second + cigar. The reason I took that cigar will be obvious to every gentleman who + smokes. Had I declined it, Pettigrew might have thought that I disliked + the brand, which would have been painful to him. However, he did not at + once bring out the tobacco; indeed, his precise words, I remember, were + that we had lots of time. As his guest I could not press him further. + </p> + <p> + Pettigrew smokes more quickly than I do, and he had reached the end of his + second cigar <span class="pagenum"><a id="page180" name="page180"></a> + </span> when there was still five minutes of mine left. It distresses + me to have to say what followed. He hastily lighted a third cigar, and + then, unlocking a cupboard, produced about two ounces of his garden + tobacco. His object was only too plain. Having just begun a third cigar he + could not be expected to try the tobacco at present, but there was nothing + to prevent my trying it. I regarded Pettigrew rather contemptuously, and + then I looked with much interest at the tobacco. It was of an inky color. + When I looked up I caught Pettigrew's eye on me. He withdrew it hurriedly, + but soon afterward I saw him looking in the same sly way again. There was + a rather painful silence for a time, and then he asked me if I had + anything to say. I replied firmly that I was looking forward to trying the + tobacco with very great interest. By this time my cigar was reduced to a + stump, but, for reasons that Pettigrew misunderstood, I continued to smoke + it. Somehow our chairs had got out of position now, and we were sitting + with our backs to each other. I felt that Pettigrew was looking at me + covertly over his shoulder, and took a side glance to make sure of this. + Our eyes met, and I bit my lip. If there is one thing I loathe, it is to + be looked at in this shame-faced manner. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page181" name="page181"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + I continued to smoke the stump of my cigar until it scorched my under-lip, + and at intervals Pettigrew said, without looking round, that my cigar + seemed everlasting. I treated his innuendo with contempt; but at last I + had to let the cigar-end go. Not to make a fuss, I dropped it very + quietly; but Pettigrew must have been listening for the sound. He wheeled + round at once, and pushed the garden tobacco toward me. Never, perhaps, + have I thought so little of him as at that moment. My indignation probably + showed in my face, for he drew back, saying that he thought I "wanted to + try it." Now I had never said that I did not want to try it. The reader + has seen that I went to Pettigrew's house solely with the object of trying + the tobacco. Had Pettigrew, then, any ground for insinuating that I did + not mean to try it? Restraining my passion, I lighted a third cigar, and + then put the question to him bluntly. Did he, or did he not, mean to try + that tobacco? I dare say I was a little brusque; but it must be remembered + that I had come all the way from the inn, at considerable inconvenience, + to give the tobacco a thorough trial. + </p> + <p> + As is the way with men of Pettigrew's type, when you corner them, he + attempted to put the blame on me. "Why had I not tried the tobacco," <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page182" name="page182"></a></span> <a + name="image-ch21-1" id="image-ch21-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch21-1a.png" + style="width: 400px;height:128px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt=""I smoked my third cigar very slowly"" /> <img + src="images/ch21-1b.png" + style="width: 165px;height:550px; float:left; clear:left; padding:0; margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""I smoked my third cigar very slowly"" /> he asked, "instead + of taking a third cigar?" For reply, I asked bitingly if that was not his + third cigar. He admitted it was, but said that he smoked more quickly than + I did, as if that put his behavior in a more favorable light. I smoked my + third cigar very slowly, not because I wanted to put off the experiment; + for, as every one must have noted, I was most anxious to try it, but just + to see what would happen. When Pettigrew had finished his cigar—and + I thought he would never be done with it—he gazed at the garden + tobacco for a time, and then took a pipe from the mantelpiece. He held it + first in one hand, then in the other, and then he brightened up and said + he would clean his pipes. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page183" + name="page183"></a></span> This he did very slowly. When he had + cleaned all his pipes he again looked at the garden tobacco, which I + pushed toward him. He glared at me as if I had not been doing a friendly + thing, and then said, in an apologetic manner, that he would smoke a pipe + until my cigar was finished. I said "All right" cordially, thinking that + he now meant to begin the experiment; but conceive my feelings when he + produced a jar of the Arcadia Mixture. He filled his pipe with this and + proceeded to light it, looking at me defiantly. His excuse about waiting + till I had finished was too pitiful to take notice of. I finished my cigar + in a few minutes, and now was the time when I would have liked to begin + the experiment. As Pettigrew's guest, however, I could not take that + liberty, though he impudently pushed the garden tobacco toward me. I + produced my pipe, my intention being only to half fill it with Arcadia, so + that Pettigrew and I might finish our pipes at the same time. Custom, + however, got the better of me, and inadvertently I filled my pipe, only + noticing this when it was too late to remedy the mistake. Pettigrew thus + finished before me; and though I advised him to begin on the garden + tobacco without waiting for me, he insisted on smoking half a pipeful of + Arcadia, just to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page184" name="page184"></a> + </span> keep me company. It was an extraordinary thing that, try as we + might, we could not finish our pipes at the same time. + </p> + <p> + About 2 A.M. Pettigrew said something about going to bed; and I rose and + put down my pipe. We stood looking at the fireplace for a time, and he + expressed regret that I had to leave so early in the morning. Then he put + out two of the lights, and after that we both looked at the garden + tobacco. He seemed to have a sudden idea; for rather briskly he tied the + tobacco up into a neat paper parcel and handed it to me, saying that I + would perhaps give it a trial at the inn. I took it without a word, but + opening my hand suddenly I let it fall. My first impulse was to pick it + up; but then it struck me that Pettigrew had not noticed what had + happened, and that, were he to see me pick it up, he might think that I + had not taken sufficient care of it. So I let it lie, and, bidding him + good-night, went off to bed. I was at the foot of the stair when I thought + that, after all, I should like the tobacco, so I returned. I could not see + the package anywhere, but something was fizzing up the chimney, and + Pettigrew had the tongs in his hand. He muttered something about his wife + taking up wrong notions. Next morning that lady was very satirical <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page185" name="page185"></a></span> about + our having smoked the whole two ounces. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch21-t" id="image-ch21-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch21-t.png" style="width:400px;height:467px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXI." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page186" name="page186"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0022" id="h2HCH0022"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch22-h" id="image-ch22-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch22-h.png" style="width:400px;height:371px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXII. "How heroes smoke"" /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXII. + </h2> + <h3> + HOW HEROES SMOKE. + </h3> + <p> + On a tiger-skin from the ice-clad regions of the sunless north recline the + heroes of Ouida, rose-scented cigars in their mouths; themselves + gloriously indolent and disdainful, but perhaps huddled a little too + closely together on account of the limited accommodation. Strathmore is + here. But I never felt sure of Strathmore. Was there not less in him than + met the eye? <span class="pagenum"><a id="page187" name="page187"></a> + </span> His place, Whiteladies, was a home for kings and queens; but + he was not the luxurious, magnanimous creature he feigned to be. A host + may be known by the cigars he keeps; and, though it is perhaps a startling + thing to say, we have good reason for believing that Strathmore did not + buy good cigars. I question very much whether he had many Havanas, even of + the second quality, at Whiteladies; if he had, he certainly kept them + locked up. Only once does he so much as refer to them when at his own + place, and then in the most general and suspicious way. "Bah!" he exclaims + to a friend; "there is Phil smoking these wretched musk-scented cigarettes + again! they are only fit for Lady Georgie or Eulalie Papellori. What + taste, when there are my Havanas and cheroots!" The remark, in whatever + way considered, is suggestive. In the first place, it is made late in the + evening, after Strathmore and his friend have left the smoking-room. Thus + it is a safe observation. I would not go so far as to say that he had no + Havanas in the house; the likelihood is that he had a few in his + cigar-case, kept there for show rather than use. These, if I understand + the man, would be a good brand, but of small size—perhaps Reinas—and + they would hardly be of a well-known crop. In <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page188" name="page188"></a></span> color they would be dark—say + maduro—and he would explain that he bought them because he liked + full-flavored weeds. Possibly he had a Villar y Villar box with six or + eight in the bottom of it; but boxes are not cigars. What he did provide + his friends with was Manillas. He smoked them himself, and how careful he + was of them is seen on every other page. He is constantly stopping in the + middle of his conversation to "curl a loose leaf round his Manilla;" when + one would have expected a hero like Strathmore to fling away a cigar when + its leaves began to untwist, and light another. So thrifty is Strathmore + that he even laboriously "curls the leaves round his cigarettes"—he + does not so much as pretend that they are Egyptian; nay, even when + quarrelling with Errol, his beloved friend (whom he shoots through the + heart), he takes a cigarette from his mouth and "winds a loosened leaf" + round it. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch22-1" id="image-ch22-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch22-1.png" + style="float:right;width: 150px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a good cigar"" /> + If Strathmore's Manillas were Capitan Generals they would cost him about + 24s. a hundred. The probability, however, is that they were of inferior + quality; say, 17s. 6d. It need hardly be said that a good Manilla does not + constantly require to have its leaves "curled." When Errol goes into the + garden to smoke, he has every other minute to "strike a fusee;" from <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page189" name="page189"></a></span> which + it may be inferred that his cigar frequently goes out. This is in itself + suspicious. Errol, too, is more than once seen by his host wandering in + the grounds at night, with a cigar between his teeth. Strathmore thinks + his susceptible friend has a love affair on hand; but is it not at least + as probable an explanation that Errol had a private supply of cigars at + Whiteladies, and from motives of delicacy did not like to smoke them in + his host's presence? Once, indeed, we do see Strathmore smoking a good + cigar, though we are not told how he came by it. When talking of the + Vavasour, he "sticks his penknife through his Cabana," with the object, + obviously, of smoking it to the bitter end. Another lady novelist, who is + also an authority on tobacco, Miss Rhoda Broughton, contemptuously + dismisses a claimant for the heroship of one of her stories, as the kind + of man who turns up his trousers at the foot. It would have been just as + withering to say that he stuck a penknife through his cigars. + </p> + <p> + There is another true hero with me, whose <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page190" name="page190"></a></span> <a name="image-ch22-2" + id="image-ch22-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch22-2a.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height: 38px;margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em; padding:0;" + alt=""A half-smoked cigar"" /> <img src="images/ch22-2b.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height:402px;margin: 0em 1.5em 0em 0em; padding:0;" + alt=""A half-smoked cigar"" /> <img src="images/ch22-2c.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height: 38px;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0;" + alt=""A half-smoked cigar"" /> creator has unintentionally + misrepresented him. It is he of "Comin' thro' the Rye," a gentleman whom + the maidens of the nineteenth century will not willingly let die. He is + grand, no doubt; and yet, the more one thinks about him, the plainer it + becomes that had the heroine married him she would have been bitterly + disenchanted. In her company he was magnanimous; god-like, prodigal; but + in his smoking-room he showed himself in his true colors. Every lady will + remember the scene where he rushes to the heroine's home and implores her + to return with him to the bedside of his dying wife. The sudden + announcement that his wife—whom he had thought in a good state of + health—is dying, is surely enough to startle even a miser out of his + niggardliness, much less a hero; and yet what do we find Vasher doing? The + heroine, in frantic excitement, has to pass through his smoking room, and + on the table she sees—what? "A half-smoked cigar." He was in the + middle of it when a servant came to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page191" + name="page191"></a></span> tell him of his wife's dying request; + and, before hastening to execute her wishes, he carefully laid what was + left of his cigar upon the table—meaning, of course, to relight it + when he came back. Though she did not think so, our heroine's father was a + much more remarkable man than Vasher. He "blew out long, comfortable + clouds" that made the whole of his large family "cough and wink again." No + ordinary father could do that. + </p> + <p> + Among my smoking-room favorites is the hero of Miss Adeline Sergeant's + story, "Touch and Go." He is a war correspondent; and when he sees a body + of the enemy bearing down upon him and the wounded officer whom he has + sought to save, he imperturbably offers his companion a cigar. They calmly + smoke on while the foe gallop up. There is something grand in this, even + though the kind of cigar is not mentioned. + </p> + <p> + I see a bearded hero, with slouch hat and shepherd's crook, a clay pipe in + his mouth. He is a Bohemian—ever a popular type of hero; and the + Bohemian is to be known all the world over by the pipe, which he prefers + to a cigar. The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the + door, "blowing great clouds of smoke into the air," is the hero of a + hundred novels. <span class="pagenum"><a id="page192" name="page192"></a> + </span> <a name="image-ch22-3" id="image-ch22-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <span style=""> <img src="images/ch22-3.png" + style="width: 100px;clear:left; float: left; margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em; padding:0;" + alt=""The tall, scornful gentleman who leans lazily against the door"" /> + </span> That is how he is always standing when the heroine, having need of + something she has left in the drawing-room, glides down the stairs at + night in her dressing-gown (her beautiful hair, released from its ribbons, + streaming down her neck and shoulders), and comes most unexpectedly upon + him. He is young. The senior, over whose face "a smile flickers for a + moment" when the heroine says something naïve, and whom she (entirely + misunderstanding her feelings) thinks she hates, smokes unostentatiously; + but though a little inclined to quiet "chaff," he is a man of deep + feeling. By and by he will open out and gather her up in his arms. The + scorner's chair is filled. I see him, shadow-like, a sad-eyed, <i>blasé</i> + gentleman, who has been adored by all the beauties of fifteen seasons, and + yet speaks of woman with a contemptuous sneer. Great, however, is love; + and the vulgar little girl who talks slang will prove to him in our next + volume that there is still one peerless beyond all others of her sex. Ah, + a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page193" name="page193"></a></span> + wondrous thing is love! On every side of me there are dark, handsome men, + with something sinister in their smile, "casting away their cigars with a + muffled curse." No novel would be complete without them. When they are + foiled by the brave girl of the narrative, it is the recognized course + with them to fling away their cigars with a muffled curse. Any kind of + curse would do, but muffled ones are preferred. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch22-t" id="image-ch22-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch22-t.png" style="width:300px;height:798px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXII." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page194" name="page194"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0023" id="h2HCH0023"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIII. + </h2> + <h3> + THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS EVE. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch23-h" id="image-ch23-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch23-h.png" + style="width: 150px; float:left; margin-right: 1em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIII." /> + </p> + <p> + A few years ago, as some may remember, a startling ghost-paper appeared in + the monthly organ of the Society for Haunting Houses. The writer + guaranteed the truth of his statement, and even gave the name of the + Yorkshire manor-house in which the affair took place. The article and the + discussion to which it gave rise agitated me a good deal, and I consulted + Pettigrew about the advisability of clearing up the mystery. The writer + wrote that he "distinctly saw his arm pass through the apparition and come + out at the other side," and indeed I still remember his saying so next + morning. He had a scared face, but I had presence of mind to continue + eating my rolls and marmalade as if my brier had nothing to do with the + miraculous affair. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page195" name="page195"></a></span> + </p> + <div style="height:2em; clear:both;"> + + </div> + <div class="figinset" style="width:500px!important; margin:auto; clear:both;"> + <a name="image-ch23-1" id="image-ch23-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch23-1a.png" + style="width:400px;height:169px;float:left;clear:both;margin:0px 50px 0px 50px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""The ghost of Christmas eve"" /> <img + src="images/ch23-1b.png" + style="width:106px;height:535px;float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 5px 0px 50px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""The ghost of Christmas eve"" /> <img + src="images/ch23-1c.png" + style="width: 85px;height:535px;float:right;margin:0px 50px 0px 5px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""The ghost of Christmas eve"" /> <img + src="images/ch23-1d.png" + style="width:400px;height: 80px;float:left;clear:left;margin:0px 50px 50px 50px!important;padding:0;" + alt=""The ghost of Christmas eve"" /> <span + style="text-indent:1em; text-align:justify;font-size:120%;"> Seeing that + he made a "paper" of it, I suppose he is justified in touching up the + incidental details. He says, for instance, that we were told the story of + the ghost which is said to haunt the house, just before going to bed. As + far as I remember, it was only mentioned at luncheon, and then + sceptically. Instead of there being snow falling outside and an eerie wind + wailing through the skeleton trees, the night was still and muggy.</span> + </div> + <p style="text-indent:0em; text-align:justify;font-size:120%;clear:both;"> + Lastly, I did not know, until the journal reached my hands, that he was + put <span class="pagenum"><a id="page196" name="page196"></a></span> + into the room known as the Haunted Chamber, nor that in that room the fire + is noted for casting weird shadows upon the walls. This, however, may be + so. The legend of the manor-house ghost he tells precisely as it is known + to me. The tragedy dates back to the time of Charles I., and is led up to + by a pathetic love-story, which I need not give. Suffice it that for seven + days and nights the old steward had been anxiously awaiting the return of + his young master and mistress from their honeymoon. On Christmas eve, + after he had gone to bed, there was a great clanging of the door-bell. + Flinging on a dressing-gown, he hastened downstairs. According to the + story, a number of servants watched him, and saw by the light of his + candle that his face was an ashy white. He took off the chains of the + door, unbolted it, and pulled it open. What he saw no human being knows; + but it must have been something awful, for, without a cry, the old steward + fell dead in the hall. Perhaps the strangest part of the story is this: + that the shadow of a burly man, holding a pistol in his hand, entered by + the open door, stepped over the steward's body, and, gliding up the + stairs, disappeared, no one could say where. Such is the legend. I shall + not tell the many ingenious explanations of it that <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page197" name="page197"></a></span> have been offered. Every + Christmas eve, however, the silent scene is said to be gone through again; + and tradition declares that no person lives for twelve months at whom the + ghostly intruder points his pistol. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch23-2" id="image-ch23-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch23-2a.png" + style="float:right;clear:both;width:70px;height:389px;padding:0; margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""My pipe"" /> <img src="images/ch23-2b.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:150px;height:39px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""My pipe"" /> + </p> + <p> + On Christmas Day the gentleman who tells the tale in a scientific journal + created some sensation at the breakfast-table by solemnly asserting that + he had seen the ghost. Most of the men present scouted his story, which + may be condensed into a few words. He had retired to his bedroom at a + fairly early hour, and as he opened the door his candle-light was blown + out. He tried to get a light from the fire, but it was too low, and + eventually he went to bed in the semi-darkness. He was wakened—he + did not know at what hour—by the clanging of a bell. He sat up in + bed, and the ghost-story came in a rush to his mind. His fire was dead, + and the room was consequently dark; yet by and by he knew, though he heard + no sound, that his door had opened. He cried out, "Who is that?" but got + no answer. By an effort he jumped up and went to the door, which was ajar. + His bedroom was on the first floor, and looking up the stairs he could see + nothing. He felt a cold sensation at his heart, however, when he looked + the other way. Going slowly and without a <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page198" name="page198"></a></span> sound down the stairs, was + an old man in a dressing-gown. He carried a candle. From the top of the + stairs only part of the hall is visible, but as the apparition disappeared + the watcher had the courage to go down a few steps after him. At first + nothing was to be seen, for the candle-light had vanished. A dim light, + however, entered by the long, narrow windows which flank the hall door, + and after a moment the on-looker could see that the hall was empty. He was + marvelling at this sudden disappearance of the steward, when, to his + horror, he saw a body fall upon the hall floor within a few feet of the + door. The watcher cannot say whether he cried out, nor how long he stood + there trembling. He came to himself with a start as he realized that + something was coming up the stairs. Fear prevented his taking flight, and + in a moment the thing was at his side. Then he saw indistinctly that it + was not the figure he had seen descend. He saw a younger man, in a heavy + overcoat, but with no hat on his head. He wore on his face a look of + extravagant triumph. The guest boldly put out his hand toward the figure. + To his amazement his arm went through it. The ghost paused for a moment + and looked behind it. It was then the watcher realized that it carried a + pistol in its <span class="pagenum"><a id="page199" name="page199"></a> + </span> right hand. He was by this time in a highly strung condition, + and he stood trembling lest the pistol should be pointed at him. The + apparition, however, rapidly glided up the stairs and was soon lost to + sight. Such are the main facts of the story, none of which I contradicted + at the time. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch23-3" id="image-ch23-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch23-3.png" style="width:400px;height:240px;" + alt=""My brier, which I found beneath my pillow"" /> + </div> + <p> + I cannot say absolutely that I can clear up + <!-- ch23-2 image moved up from here --> this mystery, but my suspicions + are confirmed by a good deal of circumstantial evidence. This will not be + understood unless I explain my strange infirmity. Wherever I went I used + to be troubled with a presentiment that I had left my pipe behind. Often, + even at the dinner-table, I paused in the middle of a sentence as if + stricken with sudden pain. Then my hand went down to my pocket. Sometimes + even after I felt my pipe, I had a conviction that it was stopped, and + only by a desperate effort did I keep myself from producing it and blowing + down it. I distinctly remember once dreaming three nights in succession + that I was on the Scotch express without it. More than once, I know, I + have <span class="pagenum"><a id="page200" name="page200"></a></span> + wandered in my sleep, looking for it in all sorts of places, and after I + went to bed I generally jumped out, just to make sure of it. My strong + belief, then, is that I was the ghost seen by the writer of the paper. I + fancy that I rose in my sleep, lighted a candle, and wandered down to the + hall to feel if my pipe was safe in my coat, which was hanging there. + <!-- ch23-3 image moved up from here --> The light had gone out when I + was in the hall. Probably the body seen to fall on the hall floor was some + other coat which I had flung there to get more easily at my own. I cannot + account for the bell; but perhaps the gentleman in the Haunted Chamber + dreamed that part of the affair. I had put on the overcoat before + reascending; indeed I may say that next morning <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page201" name="page201"></a></span> I was surprised to find it + on a chair in my bedroom, also to notice that there were several long + streaks of candle-grease on my dressing-gown. I conclude that the pistol, + which gave my face such a look of triumph, was my brier, which I found in + the morning beneath my pillow. The strangest thing of all, perhaps, is + that when I awoke there was a smell of tobacco-smoke in the bedroom. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch23-t" id="image-ch23-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch23-t.png" style="width:400px;height:202px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXIII." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page202" name="page202"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0024" id="h2HCH0024"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIV. + </h2> + <h3> + NOT THE ARCADIA. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch24-h" id="image-ch24-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch24-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:200px;height:146px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIV. "But the pipes were old friends"" /> + <img src="images/ch24-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:113px;height:105px;padding:0;margin:0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIV. "But the pipes were old friends"" /> + </p> + <p> + Those who do not know the Arcadia may have a mixture that their uneducated + palate loves, but they are always ready to try other mixtures. The + Arcadian, however, will never help himself from an outsider's pouch. + Nevertheless, there was one black week when we all smoked the ordinary + tobaccoes. Owing to a terrible oversight on the part of our purveyor, + there was no Arcadia to smoke. + </p> + <p> + We ought to have put our pipes aside and existed on cigars; but the pipes + were old friends, and desert them we could not. Each of us bought a + different mixture, but they tasted alike and were equally abominable. I + fell ill. Doctor Southwick, knowing no better, called my malady <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page203" name="page203"></a></span> by a + learned name, but I knew to what I owed it. Never shall I forget my + delight when Jimmy broke into my room one day with a pound-tin of the + Arcadia. Weak though I was, I opened my window and, seizing the half-empty + packet of tobacco that had made me ill, hurled it into the street. The + tobacco scattered before it fell, but I sat at the window gloating over + the packet, which lay a dirty scrap of paper, where every cab might pass + over it. What I call the street is more strictly a square, for my windows + were at the back of the inn, and their view was somewhat plebeian. The + square is the meeting-place of five streets, and at the corner of each the + paper was caught up in a draught that bore it along to the next. + </p> + <p> + Here, it may be thought, I gladly forgot the cause of my troubles, but I + really watched the paper for days. My doctor came in while I was still + staring at it, and instead of prescribing more medicine, he made a bet + with me. It was that the scrap of paper would disappear before the + dissolution of the government. I said it would be fluttering around after + the government was dissolved, and if I lost, the doctor was to get a new + stethoscope. If I won, my bill was to be accounted discharged. Thus, + strange as it seemed, I had now cause to take a friendly <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page204" name="page204"></a></span> + interest in paper that I had previously loathed. Formerly the sight of it + made me miserable; now I dreaded losing it. But I looked for it when I + rose in the morning, and I could tell at once by its appearance what kind + of night it had passed. Nay, more: I believed I was able to decide how the + wind had been since sundown, whether there had been much traffic, and if + the fire-engine had been out. There is a fire-station within view of the + windows, and the paper had a specially crushed appearance, as if the heavy + engine ran over it. However, though I felt certain that I could pick my + scrap of paper out of a thousand scraps, the doctor insisted on making + sure. The bet was consigned to writing on the very piece of paper that + suggested it. The doctor went out and captured it himself. On the back of + it the conditions of the wager were formally drawn up and signed by both + of us. Then we opened the window and the paper was cast forth again. The + doctor solemnly promised not to interfere with it, and I gave him a + convalescent's word of honor to report progress honestly. + </p> + <p> + Several days elapsed, and I no longer found time heavy on my hands. My + attention was divided between two papers, the scrap in the square and my + daily copy of the <i>Times</i>. Any <span class="pagenum"><a id="page205" + name="page205"></a></span> morning the one might tell me that I + had lost my bet, or the other that I had won it; and I hurried to the + window fearing that the paper had migrated to another square, and hoping + my <i>Times</i> might contain the information that the government was out. + I felt that neither could last very much longer. It was remarkable how + much my interest in politics had increased since I made this wager. + </p> + <p> + The doctor, I believe, relied chiefly on the <a name="image-ch24-1" + id="image-ch24-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch24-1.png" + style="float:right;width:200px;height:179px; padding:0; margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""It had the paper in its mouth"" /> scavengers. He thought + they were sure to pounce upon the scrap soon. I did not, however, see why + I should fear them. They came into the square so seldom, and stayed so + short a time when they did come, that I disregarded them. If the doctor + knew how much they kept away he might say I bribed them. But perhaps he + knew their ways. I got a fright one day from a dog. It was one of those + low-looking animals that infest the square occasionally in half-dozens, + but seldom alone. It ran up one of the side streets, and before I realized + what had happened it had the paper in its mouth. Then it stood still and + looked <span class="pagenum"><a id="page206" name="page206"></a></span> + around. For me that was indeed a trying moment. I stood at the window. + </p> + <p> + The impulse seized me to fling open the sash and shake my fist at the + brute; but luckily I remembered in time my promise to the doctor. I + question if man was ever so interested in mongrel before. At one of the + street corners there was a house to let, being meantime, as I had reason + to believe, in the care of the wife of a police constable. A cat was often + to be seen coming up from the area to lounge in the doorway. To that cat I + firmly believe I owe it that I did not then lose my wager. Faithful + animal! it came up to the door, it stretched itself; in the act of doing + so it caught sight of the dog, and put up its back. The dog, resenting + this demonstration of feeling, dropped the scrap of paper and made for the + cat. I sank back into my chair. + </p> + <p> + There was a greater disaster to be recorded next day. A workingman in the + square, looking about him for a pipe-light, espied the paper frisking near + the curb-stone. He picked it up with the obvious intention of lighting it + at the stove of a wandering vender of hot chestnuts who had just crossed + the square. The workingman followed, twisting the paper as he went, when—good + luck again—a young butcher <span class="pagenum"><a id="page207" + name="page207"></a></span> almost ran into him, and the loafer, + with true presence of mind, at once asked him for a match. At any rate a + match passed between them; and, to my infinite relief, the paper was flung + away. + </p> + <p> + I concealed the cause of my excitement from William John. He nevertheless + wondered to see me run to the window every time the wind seemed to be + rising, and getting anxious when it rained. Seeing that my health + prevented my leaving the house, he could not make out why I should be so + interested in the weather. Once I thought he was fairly on the scent. A + sudden blast of wind had caught up the paper and whirled it high in the + air. I may have uttered an ejaculation, for he came hurrying to the + window. He found me pointing unwittingly to what was already a white speck + sailing to the roof of the fire-station. "Is it a pigeon?" he asked. I + caught at the idea. "Yes, a carrier-pigeon," I murmured in reply; "they + sometimes, I believe, send messages to the fire-stations in that way." + Coolly as I said this, I was conscious of grasping the window-sill in pure + nervousness till the scrap began to flutter back into the square. + </p> + <p> + Next it was squeezed between two of the bars of a drain. That was the last + I saw of it, <span class="pagenum"><a id="page208" name="page208"></a> + </span> and the following morning the doctor had won his stethoscope—only + by a few hours, however, for the government's end was announced in the + evening papers. My defeat discomfited me for a little, but soon I was + pleased that I had lost. I would not care to win a bet over any mixture + but the Arcadia. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch24-t" id="image-ch24-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch24-t.png" style="width:400px;height:548px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXIV. "I was pleased that I had lost"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page209" name="page209"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0025" id="h2HCH0025"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch25-h" id="image-ch25-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch25-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:400px;height:372px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXV. "A face that haunted Marriot"" /> + <img src="images/ch25-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:280px;height:233px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXV. "A face that haunted Marriot"" /> + </p> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXV. + </h2> + <h3> + A FACE THAT HAUNTED MARRIOT. + </h3> + <p> + "This is not a love affair," Marriot shouted, apologetically. + </p> + <p> + He had sat the others out again, but when I saw his intention I escaped + into my bedroom, and now refused to come out. + </p> + <p> + "Look here," he cried, changing his tone, "if you don't come out I'll tell + you all about it through the keyhole. It is the most extraordinary story, + and I can't keep it to myself. On <span class="pagenum"><a id="page210" + name="page210"></a></span> my word of honor it isn't a love affair—at + least not exactly." + </p> + <p> + I let him talk after I had gone to bed. + </p> + <p> + "You must know," he said, dropping cigarette ashes onto my pillow every + minute, "that some time ago I fell in with Jack Goring's father, Colonel + Goring. Jack and I had been David and Jonathan at Cambridge, and though we + had not met for years, I looked forward with pleasure to meeting him + again. He was a widower, and his father and he kept joint house. But the + house was dreary now, for the colonel was alone in it. Jack was off on a + scientific expedition to the Pacific; all the girls had been married for + years. After dinner my host and I had rather a dull hour in the + smoking-room. I could not believe that Jack had grown very stout. 'I'll + show you his photograph,' said the colonel. An album was brought down from + a dusty shelf, and then I had to admit that my old friend had become + positively corpulent. But it is not Jack I want to speak about. I turned + listlessly over the pages of the album, stopping suddenly at the face of a + beautiful girl. You are not asleep, are you? + </p> + <p> + "I am not naturally sentimental, as you know, and even now I am not + prepared to admit that I fell in love with this face. It was not, I think, + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page211" name="page211"></a></span> + that kind of attraction. Possibly I should have passed the photograph by + had it not suggested old times to me—old times with a veil over + them, for I could not identify the face. That I had at some period of my + life known the original I felt certain, but I tapped my memory in vain. + The lady was a lovely blonde, with a profusion of fair hair, and delicate + features that were Roman when they were not Greek. To describe a beautiful + woman is altogether beyond me. No doubt this face had faults. I fancy, for + instance, that there was little character in the chin, and that the eyes + were 'melting' rather than expressive. It was a vignette, the hands being + clasped rather fancifully at the back of the head. My fingers drummed on + the album as I sat there pondering; but when or where I had met the + original I could not decide. The colonel could give me no information. The + album was Jack's, he said, and probably had not been opened for years. The + photograph, too, was an old one; he was sure it had been in the house long + before his son's marriage, so that (and here the hard-hearted old + gentleman chuckled) it could no longer be like the original. As he seemed + inclined to become witty at my expense, I closed the album, and soon + afterward I went away. I say, wake up! + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page212" name="page212"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch25-1" id="image-ch25-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch25-1a.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:107px;height: 69px;padding:0;margin: 1em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt=""There was the French girl at Algiers"" /> <img + src="images/ch25-1b.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width: 55px;height:130px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt=""There was the French girl at Algiers"" /> <img + src="images/ch25-1c.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height: 60px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt=""There was the French girl at Algiers"" /> <img + src="images/ch25-1d.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:195px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""There was the French girl at Algiers"" /> + </p> + <p> + "From that evening the face haunted me. I do not mean that it possessed me + to the exclusion of everything else, but at odd moments it would rise + before me, and then I fell into a revery. You must have noticed my + thoughtfulness of late. Often I have laid down my paper at the club and + tried to think back to the original. She was probably better known to Jack + Goring than to myself. All I was sure of was that she had been known to + both of us. Jack and I had first met at Cambridge. I thought over the + ladies I had known there, especially those who had been friends of + Goring's. Jack had never been a 'lady's man' precisely; but, as he used to + say, comparing himself with me, 'he had a heart.' The annals of our + Cambridge days were searched in vain. I tried the country house in which + he and I had spent a good many of <span class="pagenum"><a id="page213" + name="page213"></a></span> our vacations. Suddenly I remembered + the reading-party in Devonshire—but no, she was dark. Once Jack and + I had a romantic adventure in Glencoe in which a lady and her daughter + were concerned. We tried to make the most of it; but in our hearts we + knew, after we had seen her by the morning light, that the daughter was + not beautiful. Then there was the French girl at Algiers. Jack had kept me + hanging on in Algiers a week longer than we meant to stay. The pose of the + head, the hands clasped behind it, a trick so irritatingly familiar to me—was + that the French girl? No, the lady I was struggling to identify was + certainly English. I'm sure you're asleep. + </p> + <p> + "A month elapsed before I had an opportunity of seeing the photograph + again. An idea had struck me which I meant to carry out. This was to trace + the photograph by means of the photographer. I did not like, however, to + mention the subject to Colonel Goring again, so I contrived to find the + album while he was out of the smoking-room. The number of the photograph + and the address of the photographer were all I wanted; but just as I had + got the photograph out of the album my host returned. I slipped the thing + quickly into my pocket, and he gave me no chance of replacing it. Thus it + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page214" name="page214"></a></span> + was owing to an accident that I carried the photograph away. My theft + rendered me no assistance. True, the photographer's name and address were + there; but when I went to the place mentioned it had disappeared to make + way for 'residential chambers.' I have a few other Cambridge friends here, + and I showed some of these the photograph. One, I am now aware, is under + the impression that I am to be married soon, but the others were rational. + Grierson, of the War Office, recognized the portrait at once. 'She is + playing small parts at the Criterion,' he said. Finchley, who is a + promising man at the bar, also recognized her. 'Her portraits were in all + the illustrated papers five years ago,' he told me, 'at the time when she + got twelve months.' They contradicted each other about her, however, and I + satisfied myself that she was neither an actress at the Criterion nor the + adventuress of 1883. It was, of course, conceivable that she was an + actress, but if so her face was not known in the fancy stationers' + windows. Are you listening ? + </p> + <p> + "I saw that the mystery would remain unsolved until Jack's return home; + and when I had a letter from him a week ago, asking me to dine with him + to-night, I accepted eagerly. He was just home, he said, and I would meet + an <span class="pagenum"><a id="page215" name="page215"></a></span> + old Cambridge man. We were to dine at Jack's club, and I took the + photograph with me. I recognized Jack as soon as I entered the + waiting-room of the club. A very short, very fat, smooth-faced man was + sitting beside him, with his hands clasped behind his head. I believe I + gasped. 'Don't you remember Tom Rufus,' Jack asked, 'who used to play the + female part at the Cambridge A.D.C.? Why, you helped me to choose his wig + at Fox's. I have a photograph of him in costume somewhere at home. You + might recall him by his trick of sitting with his hands clasped behind his + head.' I shook Rufus's hand. I went in to dinner, and probably behaved + myself. Now that it is over I cannot help being thankful that I did not + ask Jack for the name of the lady before I saw Rufus. Good-night. I think + I've burned a hole in the pillow." + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch25-t" id="image-ch25-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch25-t.png" style="width:400px;height:163px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXV." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page216" name="page216"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0026" id="h2HCH0026"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch26-h" id="image-ch26-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch26-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:400px;height:243px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVI. "Arcadians at bay"" /> <img + src="images/ch26-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:170px;height:124px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVI. "Arcadians at bay"" /> + </p> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVI. + </h2> + <h3> + ARCADIANS AT BAY. + </h3> + <p> + I have said that Jimmy spent much of his time in contributing to various + leading waste-paper baskets, and that of an evening he was usually to be + found prone on my hearth-rug. When he entered my room he was ever willing + to tell us what he thought of editors, but his meerschaum with the + cherry-wood stem gradually drove all passion from his breast, and instead + of upbraiding more successful men than himself, he then lazily scribbled + letters to them on my wall-paper. The wall to the right of the fireplace + was thick with these <span class="pagenum"><a id="page217" name="page217"></a> + </span> epistles, which seemed to give Jimmy relief, though William + John had to scrape and scrub at them next morning with india-rubber. + Jimmy's sarcasm—to which that wall-paper can probably still speak—generally + took this form: + </p> + <p> + <i>To G. Buckle, Esq., Columbia Road, Shoreditch</i>. + </p> + <p> + SIR:—I am requested by Mr. James Moggridge, editor of the <i>Times</i>, + to return you the inclosed seven manuscripts, and to express his regret + that there is at present no vacancy in the sub-editorial department of the + <i>Times</i> such as Mr. Buckle kindly offers to fill. + </p> + <p> + Yours faithfully, + </p> + <p> + P. R. (for J. Moggridge, Ed. <i>Times</i>). + </p> + <p> + <i>To Mr. James Knowles, Brick Lane, Spitalfields</i>. + </p> + <p> + DEAR SIR:—I regret to have to return the inclosed paper, which is + not quite suitable for the <i>Nineteenth Century</i>. I find that articles + by unknown men, however good in themselves, attract little attention. I + inclose list of contributors for next month, including, as you will + observe, seven members of upper circles, and remain your obedient servant, + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Nineteenth Century</i>. + </p> + <p> + <i>To Mr. W Pollock, Mile-End Road, Stepney</i>. + </p> + <p> + SIR:—I have on two previous occasions begged you to cease sending + daily articles to <span class="pagenum"><a id="page218" name="page218"></a> + </span> the <i>Saturday</i>. Should this continue we shall be + reluctantly compelled to take proceedings against you. Why don't you try + the <i>Sporting Times?</i> Yours faithfully, + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Saturday Review.</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>To Messrs. Sampson, Low & Co., Peabody Buildings, Islington.</i> + </p> + <p> + DEAR SIRS:—The manuscript which you forwarded for our consideration + has received careful attention; but we do not think it would prove a + success, and it is therefore returned to you herewith. We do not care to + publish third-rate books. We remain yours obediently, + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE & CO.<br /> (late Sampson, Low & Co.). + </p> + <p> + <i>To H. Quilter, Esq., P.O. Bethnal Green.</i> + </p> + <p> + SIR:—I have to return your paper on Universal Art. It is not without + merit; but I consider art such an important subject that I mean to deal + with it exclusively myself. With thanks for kindly appreciation of my new + venture, I am yours faithfully, + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Universal Review.</i> + </p> + <p> + <i>To John Morley, Esq., Smith Street, Blackwall.</i> + </p> + <p> + SIR:—Yes, I distinctly remember meeting you on the occasion to which + you refer, and it <span class="pagenum"><a id="page219" name="page219"></a> + </span> is naturally gratifying to me to hear that you enjoy my + writing so much. Unfortunately, however, I am unable to accept your + generous offer to do Lord Beaconsfield for the "English Men of Letters" + series, as the volume has been already arranged for. Yours sincerely, + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE,<br /> Ed. "English Men of Letters" series. + </p> + <p> + <i>To F. C. Burnand, Esq., Peebles, N.B.</i> + </p> + <p> + SIR:—The jokes which you forwarded to <i>Punch</i> on Monday last + are so good that we used them three years ago. Yours faithfully, + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE, Ed. <i>Punch</i>. + </p> + <p> + <i>To Mr. D'Oyley Carte, Cross Stone Buildings, Westminster Bridge Road.</i> + </p> + <p> + DEAR SIR:—The comic opera by your friends Messrs. Gilbert and + Sullivan, which you have submitted to me, as sole lessee and manager of + the Savoy Theatre, is now returned to you unread. The little piece, judged + from its title-page, is bright and pleasing, but I have arranged with two + other gentlemen to write my operas for the next twenty-one years. + Faithfully yours, + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE,<br /> Sole Lessee and Manager Savoy Theatre. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page220" name="page220"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch26-1" id="image-ch26-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch26-1a.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:148px;height:573px;padding:0;margin: 1.5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt="Pipes and tobacco-jar" /> <img src="images/ch26-1b.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:400px;height: 41px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Pipes and tobacco-jar" /> + </p> + <p> + <i>To James Ruskin, Esq., Railway Station Hotel, Willisden.</i> + </p> + <p> + SIR: — I warn you that I will not accept any more copies of your + books. I do not know the individual named Tennyson to whom you refer; but + if he is the scribbler who is perpetually sending me copies of his verses, + please tell him that I read no poetry except my own. Why can't you leave + me alone? + </p> + <p> + J. MOGGRIDGE, Poet Laureate. + </p> + <p> + These letters of Jimmy's remind me of our famous competition, which took + place on the night of the Jubilee celebrations. When all the rest of + London (including William John) was in the streets, the Arcadians met as + usual, and Scrymgeour, at my request, put on the shutters to keep out the + din. It so happened that Jimmy and Gilray were that night in wicked moods, + for Jimmy, who was so anxious to be a journalist, had just had his <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page221" name="page221"></a></span> + seventeenth article returned from the <i>St. John's Gazette</i>, and + Gilray had been "slated" for his acting of a new part, in all the leading + papers. They were now disgracing the tobacco they smoked by quarrelling + about whether critics or editors were the more disreputable class, when in + walked Pettigrew, who had not visited us for months. Pettigrew is as + successful a journalist as Jimmy is unfortunate, and the pallor of his + face showed how many Jubilee articles he had written during the past two + months. Pettigrew offered each of us a Splendidad (his wife's new brand), + which we dropped into the fireplace. Then he filled my little Remus with + Arcadia, and sinking weariedly into a chair, said: + </p> + <p> + "My dear Jimmy, the curse of journalism is not that editors won't accept + our articles, but that they want too many from us." + </p> + <p> + This seemed such monstrous nonsense to Jimmy that he turned his back on + Pettigrew, and Gilray broke in with a diatribe against critics. + </p> + <p> + "Critics," said Pettigrew, "are to be pitied rather than reviled." + </p> + <p> + Then Gilray and Jimmy had a common foe. Whether it was Pettigrew's + appearance among us or the fireworks outside that made us unusually + talkative that night I cannot say, but we <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page222" name="page222"></a></span> became quite brilliant, + and when Jimmy began to give us his dream about killing an editor, Gilray + said that he had a dream about criticising critics; and Pettigrew, not to + be outdone, said that he had a dream of what would become of him if he had + to write any more Jubilee articles. Then it was that Marriot suggested a + competition. "Let each of the grumblers," he said, "describe his dream, + and the man whose dream seems the most exhilarating will get from the + judges a Jubilee pound-tin of the Arcadia." The grumblers agreed, but each + wanted the others to dream first. At last Jimmy began as follows: + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch26-t" id="image-ch26-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch26-t.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXVI. "Jimmy began as follows"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page223" name="page223"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0027" id="h2HCH0027"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch27-h" id="image-ch27-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch27-h.png" style="width:400px;height:282px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVII. "Jimmy's dream"" /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVII. + </h2> + <h3> + JIMMY'S DREAM. + </h3> + <p> + I see before me (said Jimmy, savagely) a court, where I, James Moggridge, + am arraigned on a charge of assaulting the editor of the <i>St. John's + Gazette</i> so as to cause death. Little interest is manifested in the + case. On being arrested I had pleaded guilty, and up to to-day it had been + anticipated that the matter would be settled out of court. No apology, + however, being forthcoming, the law has to take its course. The defence is + that the assault was <span class="pagenum"><a id="page224" name="page224"></a> + </span> fair comment on a matter of public interest, and was warranted + in substance and in fact. On making his appearance in the dock the + prisoner is received with slight cheering. + </p> + <p> + Mr. John Jones is the first witness called for the prosecution. He says: I + am assistant editor of the <i>St. John's Gazette</i>. It is an evening + newspaper of pronounced Radical views. I never saw the prisoner until + to-day, but I have frequently communicated with him. It was part of my + work to send him back his articles. This often kept me late. + </p> + <p> + In cross-examination the witness denies that he has ever sent the prisoner + other people's articles by mistake. Pressed, he says, he may have done so + once. The defendant generally inclosed letters with his articles, in which + he called attention to their special features. Sometimes these letters + were of a threatening nature, but there was nothing unusual in that. + </p> + <p> + Cross-examined: The letters were not what he would call alarming. He had + not thought of taking any special precautions himself. Of course, in his + position, he had to take his chance. So far as he could remember, it was + not for his own sake that the prisoner wanted his articles published, but + in the interests of the public. He, the prisoner, was vexed, he said, to + see the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page225" name="page225"></a></span> + paper full of such inferior matter. Witness had frequently seen letters to + the editor from other disinterested contributors couched in similar + language. If he was not mistaken, he saw a number of these gentlemen in + court. (Applause from the persons referred to.) + </p> + <p> + Mr. Snodgrass says: I am a poet. I do not compose during the day. The + strain would be too great. Every evening I go out into the streets and buy + the latest editions of the evening journals. If there is anything in them + worthy commemoration in verse, I compose. There is generally something. I + cannot say to which paper I send most of my poems, as I send to all. One + of the weaknesses of the <i>St. John's Gazette</i> is its poetry. It is + not worthy of the name. It is doggerel. I have sought to improve it, but + the editor rejected my contributions. I continued to send them, hoping + that they would educate his taste. One night I had sent him a very long + poem which did not appear in the paper next day. I was very indignant, and + went straight to the office. That was on Jubilee Day. I was told that the + editor had left word that he had just gone into the country for two days. + (Hisses.) I forced my way up the stairs, however, and when I reached the + top I did not know which way to go. There <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page226" name="page226"></a></span> <a name="image-ch27-1" + id="image-ch27-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch27-1.png" + style="width:100px;height:535px;float:left;clear:left;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Pipes" /> were a number of doors with "No admittance" printed on them. + (More hissing.) I heard voices in altercation in a room near me. I thought + that was likely to be the editor's. I opened the door and went in. The + prisoner was in the room. He had the editor on the floor and was jumping + on him. I said, "Is that the editor?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Have you + killed him?" He said, "Yes," again. I said, "Oh!" and went away. That is + all I remember of the affair. + </p> + <p> + Cross-examined: It did not occur to me to interfere. I thought very little + of the affair at the time. I think I mentioned it to my wife in the + evening; but I will not swear to that. I am not the Herr Bablerr who + compelled his daughter to marry a man she did not love, so that I might + write an ode in celebration of the nuptials. I have no daughter. I am a + poet. + </p> + <p> + The foreman printer deposed to having had his attention called to <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page227" name="page227"></a></span> the + murder of the editor about three o'clock. He was very busy at the time. + About an hour afterward he saw the body and put a placard over it. He + spoke of the matter to the assistant editor, who suggested that they had + better call in the police. That was done. + </p> + <p> + A clerk in the counting-house says: I distinctly remember the afternoon of + the murder. I can recall it without difficulty, as it was on the following + evening that I went to the theatre—a rare occurrence with me. I was + running up the stairs when I met a man coming down. I recognized the + prisoner as that man. He said, "I have killed your editor." I replied, + "Then you ought to be ashamed of yourself." We had no further + conversation. + </p> + <p> + J. O'Leary is next called. He says: I am an Irishman by birth. I had to + fly my country when an iniquitous Coercion Act was put in force. At + present I am a journalist, and I write Fenian letters for the <i>St. Johns + Gazette</i>. I remember the afternoon of the murder. It was the sub-editor + who told me of it. He asked me if I would write a "par" on the subject for + the fourth edition. I did so; but as I was in a hurry to catch a train it + was only a few lines. We did him fuller justice next day. + </p> + <p> + Cross-examined: Witness denies that he felt <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page228" name="page228"></a></span> any elation on hearing + that a new topic had been supplied for writing on. He was sorry rather. + </p> + <p> + A policeman gives evidence that about half-past four on Jubilee Day he saw + a small crowd gather round the entrance to the offices of the <i>St. + John's Gazette</i>. He thought it his duty to inquire into the matter. He + went inside and asked an office-boy what was up. The boy said he thought + the editor had been murdered, but advised him to inquire upstairs. He did + so, and the boy's assertion was confirmed. He came down again and told the + crowd that it was the editor who had been killed. The crowd then + dispersed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch27-2" id="image-ch27-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch27-2a.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:107px;height:101px;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;" + alt=""Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's high and unblemished character"" /> + <img src="images/ch27-2b.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:200px;height:72px;margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;padding:0;" + alt=""Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's high and unblemished character"" /> + <img src="images/ch27-2c.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:153px;height:127px;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;padding:0;" + alt=""Council for defence calls attention to the prisoner's high and unblemished character"" /> + </p> + <p> + A detective from Scotland Yard explains the method of the prisoner's + capture. Moggridge wrote to the superintendent saying that he would be + passing Scotland Yard on the following Wednesday on business. Three + detectives, including witness, were told off to arrest him, and they + succeeded in doing so. (Loud and prolonged applause.) + </p> + <p> + The judge interposes here. He fails, he says, to see that this evidence is + relevant. So far as he can see, the question is not whether a murder has + been committed, but whether, under the circumstances, it is a criminal + offence. The <span class="pagenum"><a id="page229" name="page229"></a> + </span> prisoner should never have been tried here at all. It was a + case for the petty sessions. If the counsel cannot give some weighty + reason for proceeding with further evidence, he will now put it to the + jury. + </p> + <p> + After a few remarks from the counsel for the prosecution and the counsel + for the defence, who calls attention to the prisoner's high and + unblemished character, the judge sums up. It is for the jury, he says, to + decide whether the prisoner has committed a criminal offence. That was the + point; and in deciding it the jury should bear in mind the desirability of + suppressing merely vexatious cases. People should not go to law over + trifles. Still, the jury must remember that, without exception, all human + life was sacred. After some further remarks from the judge, the jury (who + deliberate for rather more than three-quarters <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page230" name="page230"></a></span> of an hour) return a + verdict of guilty. The prisoner is sentenced to a fine of five florins, or + three days' imprisonment. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch27-t" id="image-ch27-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch27-t.png" style="width:400px;height:630px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXVII." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page231" name="page231"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0028" id="h2HCH0028"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch28-h" id="image-ch28-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch28-h.png" style="width:400px;height:236px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXVIII." /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXVIII. + </h2> + <h3> + GILRAY'S DREAM. + </h3> + <p> + Conceive me (said Gilray, with glowing face) invited to write a criticism + of the Critics' Dramatic Society for the <i>Standard</i>. I select the <i>Standard</i>, + because that paper has treated me most cruelly. However, I loathe them + all. My dream is the following criticism: + </p> + <p> + What is the Critics' Dramatic Society? We found out on Wednesday + afternoon, and, as we went to Drury Lane in the interests of the public, + it is only fair that the public should know too. Besides, in that case we + can all bear it together. Be it known, then, that this Dramatic Society is + composed of "critics" who gave "The School for Scandal" at a matinée on + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page232" name="page232"></a></span> + Wednesday just to show how the piece should be played. Mr. Augustus Harris + had "kindly put the theatre at their disposal," for which he will have to + answer when he joins Sheridan in the Elysian Fields. As the performance + was by far the worst ever perpetrated, it would be a shame to deprive the + twentieth century of the programme. Some of the players, as will be seen, + are too well known to escape obloquy. The others may yet be able to sink + into oblivion. + </p> + <table summary="cast of characters"> + <tr> + <td> + Sir Peter Teazle + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. John Ruskin.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Joseph Surface + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. W. E. Henley.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Charles Surface + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. Harry Labouchere.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Crabtree + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. W. Archer.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Sir Benjamin Backbite + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. Clement Scott.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Moses + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. Walter Sichel.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Old Rowley + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. Joseph Knight.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Sir Oliver + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. W. H. Pollock.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Trip + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. G. A. Sala.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Snake + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. Moy Thomas.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Sir Harry Bumper (with song) + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Mr. George Moore.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Servants, Guests, etc. + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Messrs. Saville Clarke, Joseph Hatton, Percy + Fitzgerald</span>, etc. + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td colspan="2" align="center"> + Assisted by + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Lady Teazle + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Miss Rosie Le Dene.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Mrs. Candour + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Miss Jenny Montalban.</span> + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Lady Sneerwell + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Miss Rosalind Labelle</span><br /> (The Hon. Mrs. + Major <span class="sc">Turnley</span>). + </td> + </tr> + <tr> + <td> + Maria + </td> + <td align="right"> + <span class="sc"> Miss Jones.</span> + </td> + </tr> + </table> + <p> + <a name="image-ch28-1" id="image-ch28-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch28-1a.png" + style="float:right;clear:both;width:267px;height:287px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet"" /> + <img src="images/ch28-1b.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:107px;height:143px;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""These indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet"" /> + </p> + <p> + It was a sin of omission on the part of the Critics' Dramatic Society not + to state that the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page233" name="page233"></a> + </span> piece played was "a new and original comedy" in many acts. Had + they had the courage to do this, and to change the title, no one would + even have known. On the other hand, it was a sin of commission to allow + that Professor Henry Morley was responsible for the stage management; Mr. + Morley being a man of letters whom some worthy people respect. But perhaps + sins of omission and commission counterbalance. The audience was put in a + bad humor before the performance began, owing to the curtain's rising + fifteen minutes late. However, once the curtain did rise, it was an + unconscionable time in falling. What is known as the "business" of the + first act, including the caterwauling of Sir Benjamin Backbite and + Crabtree in their revolutions round Joseph, was gone through with a + deliberation that was cruelty to the audience, and just when the act + seemed over at last these indefatigable amateurs began to dance a minuet. + A sigh ran round the theatre at this—a sigh as full of suffering as + when a minister, having finished his thirdly and lastly, starts off again, + with, "I cannot allow this opportunity to pass." Possibly the Critics' + Dramatic Society are congratulating themselves on the undeniable fact that + the sighs and hisses grew beautifully less as the performance proceeded. + But that was because <span class="pagenum"><a id="page234" name="page234"></a> + </span> the audience diminished too. One man cannot be expected to + sigh like twenty; though, indeed, some of the audience of Wednesday sighed + like at least half a dozen. + </p> + <p> + If it be true that all men—even critics—have their redeeming + points and failings, then was there no Charles and no Joseph Surface at + this unique matinée. For the ungainly gentleman who essayed the part of + Charles made, or rather meant to make, him spotless; and Mr. Henley's + Joseph was twin-brother to Mr. Irving's Mephistopheles. Perhaps the idea + of Mr. Labouchere and his friend, Mr. Henley, was that they would make one + young man between them. They found it hard work. Mr. Labouchere has yet to + learn that buffoonery is not exactly wit, and that Charles Surfaces who + dig their uncle Olivers in the ribs, and then turn to the audience for + applause, are among the things that the nineteenth century can do without. + According to the programme, Mr. George Moore—the Sir Harry Bumper—was + to sing the song, "Here's to the Maiden of Bashful Fifteen." Mr. Moore did + not sing it, but Mr. Labouchere did. The explanation of this, we + understand, was not that Sir Harry's heart failed him at the eleventh + hour, but that Mr. Labouchere threatened to fling up his part <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page235" name="page235"></a></span> unless + the song was given to him. However, Mr. Moore heard Mr. Labouchere singing + the song, and that was revenge enough for any man. To Mr. Henley the part + of Joseph evidently presented no serious difficulties. In his opinion, + Joseph is a <span class="pagenum"><a id="page236" name="page236"></a> + </span> whining hypocrite who rolls his eyes when he wishes to look + natural. Obviously he is a slavish admirer of Mr. Irving. If Joseph had + taken his snuff as this one does, Lady Sneerwell would have sent him to + the kitchen. If he had made love to Lady Teazle as this one does, she + would have suspected him of weak intellect. Sheridan's Joseph was a man of + culture: Mr. Henley's is a buffoon. It is not, perhaps, so much this + gentleman's fault as his misfortune that his acting is without either art + or craft; but then he was not compelled to play Joseph Surface. Indeed, we + may go further, and say that if he is a man with friends he must have been + dissuaded from it. The Sir Peter Teazle of Mr. Ruskin reminded us of other + Sir Peter Teazles—probably because Sir Peter is played nowadays with + his courtliness omitted. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch28-2" id="image-ch28-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch28-2.png" + style="float:right;clear:both;width:200px;height:332px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="A friendly favor" /> + </p> + <p> + Mr. William Archer was the Crabtree, or rather Mr. Archer and the prompter + between them. Until we caught sight of the prompter we had credited Mr. + Archer with being a ventriloquist given to casting his voice to the wings. + Mr. Clement Scott—their Benjamin Backbite—was a ventriloquist + too, but not in such a large way as Mr. Archer. His voice, so far as we + could make out from an occasional rumble, <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page237" name="page237"></a></span> was in his boots, where + his courage kept it company. There was no more ambitious actor in the cast + than Mr. Pollock. Mr. Pollock was Sir Oliver, and he gave a highly + original reading of that old gentleman. What Mr. Pollock's private opinion + of the character of Sir Oliver may be we cannot say; it would be worth an + interviewer's while to find out. But if he thinks Sir Oliver was a + windmill, we can inform him at once that he is mistaken. Of Mr. Sichel's + Moses all that occurs to us to say is that when he let his left arm hang + down and raised the other aloft, he looked very like a tea-pot. Mr. Joseph + Knight was Old Rowley. In that character all we saw of him was his back; + and we <span class="pagenum"><a id="page238" name="page238"></a></span> + are bound to admit that it was unexceptional. Sheridan calls one of his + servants Snake, and the other Trip. Mr. Moy Thomas tried to look as like a + snake as he could, and with some success. The Trip of Mr. Sala, however, + was a little heavy, and when he came between the audience and the other + actors there was a temporary eclipse. As for the minor parts, the + gentlemen who personated them gave a capital rendering of supers suffering + from stage-fever. Wednesday is memorable in the history of the stage, but + we would forget it if we could. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch28-t" id="image-ch28-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch28-t.png" style="width:400px;height:192px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXVIII." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page239" name="page239"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0029" id="h2HCH0029"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <p> + <a name="image-ch29-h" id="image-ch29-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch29-h.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXIX. "Pettigrew's dream"" /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXIX. + </h2> + <h3> + PETTIGREW'S DREAM. + </h3> + <p> + My dream (said Pettigrew) contrasts sadly with those of my young friends. + They dream of revenge, but my dream is tragic. I see my editor writing my + obituary notice. This is how it reads: + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch29-1" id="image-ch29-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch29-1.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:100px;height:600px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""He went round the morning-room"" /> + </p> + <p> + Mr. Pettigrew, M.A., whose sad death is recorded in another column, was in + his forty-second <span class="pagenum"><a id="page240" name="page240"></a> + </span> year (not his forty-fourth, as stated in the evening papers), + and had done a good deal of Jubilee work before he accepted the commission + that led to his death. It is an open secret that he wrote seventy of the + Jubilee sketches which have appeared in this paper. The pamphlet now + selling in the streets for a penny, entitled "Jubilees of the Past," was + his. He wrote the introductory chapter to "Fifty Years of Progress," and + his "Jubilee Statesmen" is now in a second edition. The idea of a + collection of Jubilee odes was not his, but the publisher's. At the same + time, his friends and relatives attach no blame to them. Mr. Pettigrew + shivered when the order was given to him, but he accepted it, and the + general impression among those who knew him was that a man who had + survived "Jubilee Statesmen" could do anything. As it turns out, we had + overestimated Mr. Pettigrew's powers of endurance. + </p> + <p> + As "The Jubilee Odes" will doubtless yet be collected by another hand, + little need be said here of the work. Mr. Pettigrew was to make his + collection as complete as the limited space at his disposal (two volumes) + would allow; the only original writing in the book being a sketch of the + various schemes suggested for the celebration of the Jubilee. It was this + sketch that <span class="pagenum"><a id="page241" name="page241"></a> + </span> killed him. On the morning of the 27th, when he intended + beginning it, he rose at an unusually early hour, and was seen from the + windows of the house pacing the garden in an apparently agitated state of + mind. He ate no breakfast. One of his daughters states that she noticed a + wild look in his eyes during the morning meal; but, as she did not remark + on it at the time, much stress need not be laid on this. The others say + that he was unusually quiet and silent. All, however, noticed one thing. + Generally, when he had literary work to do, he was anxious to begin upon + his labors, and spent little time at the breakfast-table. On this occasion + he sat on. Even after the breakfast things were removed he seemed + reluctant to adjourn to the study. His wife asked him several times if he + meant to begin "The Jubilee Odes" that day, and he always replied in the + affirmative. But he talked nervously of other things; and, to her surprise—though + she thought comparatively little of it <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page242" name="page242"></a></span> at the time—drew her + on to a discussion on summer bonnets. As a rule, this was a subject which + he shunned. At last he rose, and, going slowly to the window, looked out + for a quarter of an hour. His wife asked him again about "The Jubilee + Odes," and he replied that he meant to begin directly. Then he went round + the morning-room, looking at the pictures on the walls as if for the first + time. After that he leaned for a little while against the mantelpiece, and + then, as if an idea had struck him, began to wind up the clock. He went + through the house winding up the clocks, though this duty was usually left + to a servant; and when that was over he came back to the breakfast-room + and talked about Waterbury watches. His wife had to go to the kitchen, and + he followed her. On their way back they passed the nursery, and he said he + thought he would go in and talk to the nurse. This was very unlike him. At + last his wife said that it would soon be luncheon-time, and then he went + to the study. Some ten minutes afterward he wandered into the dining-room, + where she was arranging some flowers. He seemed taken aback at seeing her, + but said, after a moment's thought, that the study door was locked and he + could not find the key. This astonished her, as she had dusted <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page243" name="page243"></a></span> the + room herself that morning. She went to see, and found the study door + standing open. When she returned to the dining-room he had disappeared. + They searched for him everywhere, and eventually discovered him in the + drawing-room, turning over a photograph album. He then went back to the + study. His wife accompanied <a name="image-ch29-2" id="image-ch29-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch29-2.png" + style="float:right;clear:right;width:150px;height:340px;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""His wife ... filled his pipe for him"" /> him, and, as was + her custom, filled his pipe for him. He smoked a mixture to which he was + passionately attached. He lighted his pipe several times, but it always + went out. His wife put a new nib into his pen, placed some writing + material on the table, and then retired, shutting the door behind her. + </p> + <p> + About half an hour afterward Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to + the study on a trifling errand. As he did not return she followed him. She + found him sitting on his father's knee, where she did not remember ever + having seen him before. Mr. Pettigrew was holding his watch to the boy's + ears. The study table was littered with several hundreds of Jubilee odes. + Other odes had slipped to the floor. Mrs. Pettigrew asked how he was + getting on, and her unhappy <span class="pagenum"><a id="page244" + name="page244"></a></span> husband replied that he was just going + to begin. His hands were trembling, and he had given up trying to smoke. + He sought to detain her by talking about the boy's curls; but she went + away, taking the child with her. As she closed the door he groaned + heavily, and she reopened it to ask if he felt unwell. He answered in the + negative, and she left him. The last <a name="image-ch29-3" + id="image-ch29-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch29-3.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:150px;height:391px;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""Mrs. Pettigrew sent one of the children to the study"" /> + person to see Mr. Pettigrew alive was Eliza Day, the housemaid. She took a + letter to him between twelve and one o'clock. Usually he disliked being + disturbed at his writing; but this time, in answer to her knock, he cried + eagerly, "Come in!" When she entered he insisted on her taking a chair, + and asked her how all her people were, and if there was anything he could + do for them. Several times she rose to leave, but he would not allow her + to do so. Eliza mentioned this in the kitchen when she returned to it. Her + master was naturally a reserved man who seldom spoke to his servants, + which rendered his behavior on this occasion the more remarkable. + </p> + <p> + As announced in the evening papers yesterday, the servant sent to the + study at half-past one to see why Mr. Pettigrew was not coming to <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page245" name="page245"></a></span> lunch, + found him lifeless on the floor. The knife clutched in his hand showed + that he had done the fatal deed himself; and Dr. Southwick, of Hyde Park, + who was on the spot within ten minutes of the painful discovery, is of + opinion that life had been extinct for about half an hour. The body was + lying among Jubilee odes. On the table were a dozen or more sheets of + "copy," which, though only spoiled pages, showed that the deceased had not + succumbed without a struggle. On one he had begun, "Fifty years have come + and gone since a fair English maiden ascended the throne of England." + Another stopped short at, "To every loyal Englishman the Jubil——" + A third sheet commenced with, "Though there have been a number of royal + Jubilees in the history of the world, probably none has awakened the same + interest as ——" and a fourth began, "1887 will be known to all + future ages as the year of Jub——" One sheet bore the sentence, + "Heaven help me!" and it is believed that these were the last words the + deceased ever penned. + </p> + <p> + Mr. Pettigrew was a most estimable man in private life, and will be + greatly missed in the circles to which he had endeared himself. He leaves + a widow and a small family. It may be <span class="pagenum"><a id="page246" + name="page246"></a></span> worth adding that when discovered dead, + there was a smile upon his face, as if he had at last found peace. He must + have suffered great agony that forenoon, and his death is best looked upon + as a happy release. + </p> + <hr /> + <p> + Marriot, Scrymgeour and I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew, because + he alone of the competitors seemed to believe that his dream might be + realized. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch29-t" id="image-ch29-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch29-t.png" style="width:400px;height:397px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXIX. "I awarded the tin of Arcadia to Pettigrew"" /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page247" name="page247"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0030" id="h2HCH0030"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXX. + </h2> + <h3> + THE MURDER IN THE INN. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch30-h" id="image-ch30-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch30-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:both;width:400px;height:111px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXX. "Sometimes I think it is all a dream"" /> + <img src="images/ch30-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:122px;height:512px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXX. "Sometimes I think it is all a dream"" /> + </p> + <p> + Sometimes I think it is all a dream, and that I did not really murder the + waits. Perhaps they are living still. Yet the scene is very vivid before + me, though the affair took place—if it ever did take place—so + long ago that I cannot be expected to remember the details. The time when + I must give up smoking was drawing near, so that I may have been unusually + irritable, and determined, whatever the cost, to smoke my last pound-tin + of the Arcadia in peace. I think my brier was in my mouth when I did it, + but after the lapse of months I cannot say whether there were three of + them or <span class="pagenum"><a id="page248" name="page248"></a></span> + only two. So far as I can remember, I took the man with the beard first. + </p> + <p> + The incident would have made more impression on me had there been any talk + about it. So far as I could discover, it never got into the papers. The + porters did not seem to think it any affair of theirs, though one of them + must have guessed why I invited the waits upstairs. He saw me open the + door to them; he was aware that this was their third visit in a week; and + only the night before he had heard me shout a warning to them from my inn + window. But of course the porters must allow themselves a certain + discretion in the performance of their duties. Then there was the pleasant + gentleman of the next door but two, who ran against me just as I was + toppling the second body over the railing. We were not acquainted, but I + knew him as the man who had flung a water-jug at the waits the night + before. He stopped short when he saw the body (it had rolled out of the + sofa-rug), and looked at me suspiciously. "He is one of the waits," I + said. "I beg your pardon," he replied, "I did not understand." When he had + passed a few yards he turned round. "Better cover him up," he said; "our + people will talk." Then he strolled away, an air from "The Grand Duchess" + lightly trolling <span class="pagenum"><a id="page249" name="page249"></a> + </span> from his lips. We still meet occasionally, and nod if no one + is looking. + </p> + <p> + I am going too fast, however. What I meant to say was that the murder was + premeditated. In the case of a reprehensible murder I know this would be + considered an aggravation of the offence. Of course, it is an open + question whether all the murders are not reprehensible; but let that pass. + To my own mind I should have been indeed deserving of punishment had I + rushed out and slain the waits in a moment of fury. If one were to give + way to his passion every time he is interrupted in his work or his sleep + by bawlers our thoroughfares would soon be choked with the dead. No one + values human life or understands its sacredness more than I do. I merely + say that there may be times when a man, having stood a great deal and + thought it over calmly, is justified in taking the law into his own hands—always + supposing he can do it decently, quietly, and without scandal. The + epidemic of waits broke out early in December, and every other night or so + these torments came in the still hours and burst into song beneath my + windows. They made me nervous. I was more wretched on the nights they did + not come than on the nights they came; for I had begun to listen for them, + and was never sure <span class="pagenum"><a id="page250" name="page250"></a> + </span> they had gone into another locality before four o'clock in the + morning. As for their songs, they were more like music-hall ditties than + Christmas carols. So one morning—it was, I think, the 23d of + December—I warned them fairly, fully, and with particulars, of what + would happen if they disturbed me again. Having given them this warning, + can it be said that I was to blame—at least, to any considerable + extent? + </p> + <p> + Christmas eve had worn into Christmas morning before the waits arrived on + that fateful occasion. I opened the window—if my memory does not + deceive me—at once, and looked down at them. I could not swear to + their being the persons whom I had warned the night before. Perhaps I + should have made sure of this. But in any case these were practised waits. + Their whine rushed in at my open window with a vigor that proved them no + tyros. Besides, the night was a cold one, and I could not linger at an + open casement. I nodded pleasantly to the waits and pointed to my door. + Then I ran downstairs and let them in. They came up to my chambers with + me. As I have said, the lapse of time prevents my remembering how many of + them there were; three, I fancy. At all events, I took them into my + bedroom and <span class="pagenum"><a id="page251" name="page251"></a> + </span> strangled them one by one. They went off quite peaceably; the + only difficulty was in the disposal of the bodies. I thought of laying + them on the curb-stone in different passages; but I was afraid the police + might not see that they were waits, in which case I might be put to + inconvenience. So I took a spade and dug two (or three) large holes in the + quadrangle of the inn. Then I carried the bodies to the place in my rug, + one at a time, shoved them in, and covered them up. A close observer might + have noticed in that part of the quadrangle, for some time after, a small + mound, such as might be made by an elbow under the bed-clothes. Nobody, + however, seems to have descried it, and yet I see it often even now in my + dreams. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch30-t" id="image-ch30-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch30-t.png" style="width:400px;height:403px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXX." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page252" name="page252"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0031" id="h2HCH0031"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXI. + </h2> + <h3> + THE PERILS OF NOT SMOKING. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch31-h" id="image-ch31-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch31-ha.png" + style="float:left;clear:both;width:173px;height:172px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had weakly yielded"" /> + <img src="images/ch31-hb.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:206px;height: 81px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had weakly yielded"" /> + <img src="images/ch31-hc.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:239px;height: 39px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had weakly yielded"" /> + <img src="images/ch31-hd.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:300px;height: 84px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXI. "They thought I had weakly yielded"" /> + </p> + <p> + When the Arcadians heard that I had signed an agreement to give up smoking + they were first incredulous, then sarcastic, then angry. Instead of + coming, as usual, to my room, they went one night in a body to + Pettigrew's, and there, as I afterward discovered, a scheme for "saving + me" was drawn up. So little did they understand the firmness of my + character, that they thought I had weakly yielded to the threats of the + lady referred to in my first chapter, when, of course, I had only yielded + to her arguments, and they agreed to make an appeal on my behalf to her. + Pettigrew, as a married man himself, was appointed intercessor, and I + understand that the others not only accompanied <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page253" name="page253"></a></span> him to her door, but + waited in an alley until he came out. I never knew whether the reasoning + brought to bear on the lady was of Pettigrew's devising, or suggested by + Jimmy and the others, but it was certainly unselfish of Pettigrew to lie + so freely on my account. At the time, however, the plot enraged me, for + the lady conceived the absurd idea that I had sent Pettigrew to her. + Undoubtedly it was a bold stroke. Pettigrew's scheme was to play upon his + hostess's attachment for me by hinting to her that if I gave up smoking I + would probably die. Finding her attentive rather than talkative, he soon + dared to assure her that he himself loathed tobacco and only took it for + his health. + </p> + <p> + "By the doctor's orders, mark you," he said, impressively; "Dr. Southwick, + of Hyde Park." + </p> + <p> + She expressed polite surprise at this, and then Pettigrew, believing he + had made an impression, told his story as concocted. + </p> + <p> + "My own case," he said, "is one much in point. I suffered lately from sore + throat, accompanied by depression of spirits and loss of appetite. The + ailment was so unusual with me that I thought it prudent to put myself in + Dr. Southwick's hands. As far as possible I shall give you his exact + words: + </p> + <p> + "'When did you give up smoking?' he asked, abruptly, after examining my + throat. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page254" name="page254"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch31-1" id="image-ch31-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch31-1.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height:475px;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""They went one night in a body to Pettigrew's"" /> + </p> + <p> + "'Three months ago,' I replied, taken by surprise; 'but how did you know I + had given it up?' + </p> + <p> + "'Never mind how I know,' he said, severely; 'I told you that, however + much you might desire to do so, you were not to take to not smoking. This + is how you carry out my directions.' + </p> + <p> + "'Well,' I answered sulkily, 'I have been feeling so healthy for the last + two years that I thought I could indulge myself a little. You are aware + how I abominate tobacco.' + </p> + <p> + "'Quite so,' he said, 'and now you see the result of this miserable + self-indulgence. Two years ago I prescribed tobacco for you, to be taken + three times a day, and you yourself admit that it made a new man of you. + Instead of feeling thankful you complain of the brief unpleasantness <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page255" name="page255"></a></span> that + accompanies its consumption, and now, in the teeth of my instructions, you + give it up. I must say the ways of patients are a constant marvel to me.' + </p> + <p> + "'But how,' I asked, 'do you know that my reverting to the pleasant habit + of not smoking is the cause of my present ailment?' + </p> + <p> + "'Oh!' he said, 'you are not sure of that yourself, are you?' + </p> + <p> + "'I thought,' I replied, 'there might be a doubt about it; though of + course I have forgotten what you told me two years ago.' + </p> + <p> + "'It matters very little,' he said, 'whether you remember what I tell you + if you do not follow my orders. But as for knowing that indulgence in not + smoking is what has brought you to this state, how long is it since you + noticed these symptoms?' + </p> + <p> + "'I can hardly say,' I answered. 'Still, I should be able to think back. I + had my first sore throat this year the night I saw Mr. Irving at the + Lyceum, and that was on my wife's birthday, the 3d of October. How long + ago is that?' + </p> + <p> + "'Why, that is more than three months ago. Are you sure of the date?'" + </p> + <p> + "'Quite certain,' I told him; 'so, you see, I had my first sore throat + before I risked not smoking again.'" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page256" name="page256"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + "'I don't understand this,' he said. 'Do you mean to say that in the + beginning of May you were taking my prescription daily? You were not + missing a day now and then—forgetting to order a new stock of cigars + when the others were done, or flinging them away before they were half + smoked? Patients do such things.' + </p> + <p> + "'No, I assure you I compelled myself to smoke. At least——' + </p> + <p> + "'At least what? Come, now, if I am to be of any service to you, there + must be no reserve.' + </p> + <p> + "'Well, now that I think of it, I was only smoking one cigar a day at that + time.' + </p> + <p> + "'Ah! we have it now,' he cried. 'One cigar a day, when I ordered you + three? I might have guessed as much. When I tell non-smokers that they + must smoke or I will not be answerable for the consequences, they entreat + me to let them break themselves of the habit of not smoking gradually. One + cigarette a day to begin with, they beg of me, promising to increase the + dose by degrees. Why, man, one cigarette a day is poison; it is worse than + not smoking.' + </p> + <p> + "'But that is not what I did.' + </p> + <p> + "'The idea is the same,' he said. 'Like the others, you make all this moan + about giving up completely a habit you should never have acquired. <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page257" name="page257"></a></span> For my + own part, I cannot even understand where the subtle delights of not + smoking come in. Compared with health, they are surely immaterial.' + </p> + <p> + "'Of course, I admit that.' + </p> + <p> + "'Then, if you admit it, why pamper yourself?' + </p> + <p> + "'I suppose because one is weak in matters of habit. You have many cases + like mine?' + </p> + <p> + "'I have such cases every week,' he told me; 'indeed, it was having so + many cases of the kind that made me a specialist in the subject. When I + began practice I had not the least notion how common the non-tobacco + throat, as I call it, is.' + </p> + <p> + "'But the disease has been known, has it not, for a long time?' + </p> + <p> + "'Yes,' he said;' but the cause has only been discovered recently. I could + explain the malady to you scientifically, as many medical men would prefer + to do, but you are better to have it in plain English.' + </p> + <p> + "'Certainly; but I should like to know whether the symptoms in other cases + have been in every way similar to mine.' + </p> + <p> + "'They have doubtless differed in degree, but not otherwise,' he answered. + 'For instance, you say your sore throat is accompanied by depression of + spirits.' + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page258" name="page258"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + "'Yes; indeed, the depression sometimes precedes the sore throat.' + </p> + <p> + "'Exactly. I presume, too, that you feel most depressed in the evening—say, + immediately after dinner?' + </p> + <p> + "'That is certainly the time I experience the depression most.' + </p> + <p> + "'The result,' he said, 'if I may venture on somewhat delicate matters, is + that your depression of spirits infects your wife and family, even your + servants?' + </p> + <p> + "'That is quite true,' I answered. 'Our home has by no means been so happy + as formerly. When a man is out of spirits, I suppose, he tends to be + brusque and undemonstrative to his wife, and to be easily irritated by his + children. Certainly that has been the case with me of late.' + </p> + <p> + "'Yes,' he exclaimed, 'and all because you have not carried out my + directions. Men ought to see that they have no right to indulge in not + smoking, if only for the sake of their wives and families. A bachelor has + more excuse, perhaps; but think of the example you set your children in + not making an effort to shake this self-indulgence off. In short, smoke + for the sake of your wife and family, if you won't smoke for the sake of + your health.'" + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page259" name="page259"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + I think this is pretty nearly the whole of Pettigrew's story, but I may + add that he left the house in depression of spirits, and then infected + Jimmy and the others with the same ailment, so that they should all have + hurried in a cab to the house of Dr. Southwick. + </p> + <p> + "Honestly," Pettigrew said, "I don't think she believed a word I told + her." + </p> + <p> + "If she had only been a man," Marriot sighed, "we could have got round + her." + </p> + <p> + "How?" asked Pettigrew. + </p> + <p> + "Why, of course," said Marriot, "we could have sent her a tin of the + Arcadia." + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch31-t" id="image-ch31-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch31-t.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXI." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page260" name="page260"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0032" id="h2HCH0032"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXII. + </h2> + <h3> + MY LAST PIPE. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch32-h" id="image-ch32-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch32-h.png" + style="float:left;clear:left;width:100px;height:593px;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXII." /> + </p> + <p> + The night of my last smoke drew near without any demonstration on my part + or on that of my friends. I noticed that none of them was now comfortable + if left alone with me, and I knew, I cannot tell how, that though they had + too much delicacy to refer in my presence to my coming happiness, they + often talked of it among themselves. They smoked hard and looked covertly + at me, and had an idea that they were helping me. They also addressed me + in a low voice, and took their seats noiselessly, as if some one were ill + in the next room. + </p> + <p> + "We have a notion," Scrymgeour said, with an effort, on my second night, + "that you would rather we did not feast you to-morrow evening?" + </p> + <p> + "Oh, I want nothing of that kind," I said. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page261" name="page261"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + "So I fancied," Jimmy broke in. "Those things are rather a mockery, but of + course if you thought it would help you in any way——" + </p> + <p> + "Or if there is anything else we could do for you," interposed Gilray, + "you have only to mention it." + </p> + <p> + Though they irritated rather than soothed me, I was touched by their + kindly intentions, for at one time I feared my friends would be sarcastic. + The next night was my last, and I found that they had been looking forward + to it with genuine pain. As will have been seen, their custom was to + wander into my room one by one, but this time they came together. They had + met in the boudoir, and came up the stair so quietly that I did not hear + them. They all looked very subdued, and Marriot took the cane chair so + softly that it did not creak. I noticed that after a furtive glance at me + each of them looked at the centre-table, on which lay my brier, Romulus + and Remus, three other pipes that all had their merits, though they never + touched my heart until now, my clay tobacco-jar, and my old pouch. I had + said good-by to these before my friends came in, and I could now speak + with a comparatively firm voice. Marriot and Gilray and Scrymgeour signed + to Jimmy, as if some plan of action had been arranged, <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page262" name="page262"></a></span> and + Jimmy said huskily, sitting upon the hearth-rug: + </p> + <p> + "Pettigrew isn't coming. He was afraid he would break down." + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch32-1" id="image-ch32-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch32-1.png" style="width:400px;height:310px;" + alt=""Then we began to smoke"" /> + </div> + <p> + Then we began to smoke. It was as yet too early in the night for my last + pipe, but soon I regretted that I had not arranged to spend this night + alone. Jimmy was the only one of the Arcadians who had been at school with + me, and he was full of reminiscences which he addressed to the others just + as if I were not present. + </p> + <p> + "He was the life of the old school," Jimmy said, referring to me, "and + when I shut my eyes <span class="pagenum"><a id="page263" name="page263"></a> + </span> I can hear his merry laugh as if we were both in + knickerbockers still." + </p> + <p> + "What sort of character did he have among the fellows?" Gilray whispered. + </p> + <p> + "The very best. He was the soul of honor, and we all anticipated a great + future for him. Even the masters loved him; indeed, I question if he had + an enemy." + </p> + <p> + "I remember my first meeting with him at the university," said Marriot, + "and that I took to him at once. He was speaking at the debating society + that night, and his enthusiasm quite carried me away." + </p> + <p> + "And how we shall miss him here," said Scrymgeour, "and in my house-boat! + I think I had better sell the house-boat. Do you remember his favorite + seat at the door of the saloon?" + </p> + <p> + "Do you know," said Marriot, looking a little scared, "I thought I would + be the first of our lot to go. Often I have kept him up late in this very + room talking of my own troubles, and little guessing why he sometimes + treated them a little testily." + </p> + <p> + So they talked, meaning very well, and by and by it struck one o'clock. A + cold shiver passed through me, and Marriot jumped from his chair. It had + been agreed that I should begin my last pipe at one precisely. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page264" name="page264"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + Whatever my feelings were up to this point I had kept them out of my face, + but I suppose a change came over me now. I tried to lift my brier from the + table, but my hand shook and the pipe tapped, tapped on the deal like an + auctioneer's hammer. + </p> + <p> + "Let me fill it," Jimmy said, and he took my old brier from me. He scraped + it energetically so that it might hold as much as possible, and then he + filled it. Not one of them, I am glad to remember, proposed a cigar for my + last smoke, or thought it possible that I would say farewell to tobacco + through the medium of any other pipe than my brier. I liked my brier best. + I have said this already, but I must say it again. Jimmy handed the brier + to Gilray, who did not surrender it until it reached my mouth. Then + Scrymgeour made a spill, and Marriot lighted it. In another moment I was + smoking my last pipe. The others glanced at one another, hesitated, and + put their pipes into their pockets. + </p> + <p> + There was little talking, for they all gazed at me as if something + astounding might happen at any moment. The clock had stopped, but the + ventilator was clicking. Although Jimmy and the others saw only me, I + tried not to see only them. I conjured up the face of a lady, and she + smiled encouragingly, and then I felt safer. <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page265" name="page265"></a></span> But at times her face was + lost in smoke, or suddenly it was Marriot's face, eager, doleful, wistful. + </p> + <p> + At first I puffed vigorously and wastefully, <a name="image-ch32-2" + id="image-ch32-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch32-2.png" + style="width:150px;height:410px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""I conjured up the face of a lady"" /> then I became + scientific and sent out rings of smoke so strong and numerous that half a + dozen of them were in the air at a time. In past days I had often followed + a ring over the table, across chairs, and nearly out at the window, but + that was when I blew one by accident and was loath to let it go. Now I + distributed them among my friends, who let them slip away into the + looking-glass. I think I had almost forgotten what I was doing and where I + was when an awful thing happened. My pipe went out! + </p> + <p> + "There are remnants in it yet," Jimmy cried, with forced cheerfulness, + while Gilray blew the ashes off my sleeve, Marriot slipped a cushion + behind my back, and Scrymgeour made another spill. Again I smoked, but no + longer recklessly. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page266" name="page266"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + It is revealing no secret to say that a drowning man sees his whole past + unfurl before him like a panorama. So little, however, was I, now on the + eve of a great happiness, like a drowning man, that nothing whatever + passed before me. I lost sight even of my friends, and though Jimmy was on + his knees at my feet, his hand clasping mine, he disappeared as if his + open mouth had swallowed the rest of his face. I had only one thought—that + I was smoking my last pipe. Unconsciously I crossed my legs, and one of my + slippers fell off; Jimmy, I think, slipped it on to my foot. Marriot stood + over me, gazing into the bowl of my pipe, but I did not see him. + </p> + <p> + Now I was puffing tremendously, but no smoke came. The room returned to + me, I saw Jimmy clearly, I felt Marriot overhead, and I heard them all + whispering. Still I puffed; I knew that my pipe was empty, but still I + puffed. Gilray's fingers tried to draw my brier from my mouth, but I bit + into it with my teeth, and still I puffed. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch32-3" id="image-ch32-3"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch32-3a.png" + style="width:123px;height: 88px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me"" /> + <img src="images/ch32-3b.png" + style="width:200px;height:141px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt=""Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me"" /> + <img src="images/ch32-3c.png" + style="width:125px;height: 82px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt=""Not even Scrymgeour knew what my pouch had been to me"" /> + </p> + <p> + When I came to I was alone. I had a dim consciousness of having been + shaken by several hands, of a voice that I think was Scrymgeour's saying + that he would often write to me—though my new home was to be within + the four-mile <span class="pagenum"><a id="page267" name="page267"></a> + </span> radius—and of another voice that I think was Jimmy's, + telling Marriot not to let me see him breaking down. But though I had + ceased to puff, my brier was still in my mouth; and, indeed, I found it + there when William John shook me into life next morning. + </p> + <p> + My parting with William John was almost sadder than the scene of the + previous night. I rang for him when I had tied up all my treasures in + brown paper, and I told him to give the tobacco-jar to Jimmy, Romulus to + Marriot, Remus to Gilray, and the pouch to Scrymgeour. William John bore + up till I came to the pouch, when he fairly blubbered. I had to hurry into + my bedroom, but I mean to do something yet for William John. Not even + Scrymgeour knew so well as he what my pouch had <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page268" name="page268"></a></span> been to me, and till I die + I shall always regret that I did not give it to William John. I kept my + brier. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch32-t" id="image-ch32-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> + </p> + <div class="figcenter"> + <img src="images/ch32-t.png" style="width:400px;height:400px;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXII." /> + </div> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page269" name="page269"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + <a name="h2HCH0033" id="h2HCH0033"> + <!-- H2 anchor --> </a> + </p> + <div style="height: 4em;"> + <br /><br /><br /><br /> + </div> + <h2> + CHAPTER XXXIII. + </h2> + <h3> + WHEN MY WIFE IS ASLEEP AND ALL THE HOUSE IS STILL. + </h3> + <p> + <a name="image-ch33-h" id="image-ch33-h"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-h.png" + style="width:200px;height:200px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Headpiece Chap. XXXIII. "When my wife is asleep and all the house is still"" /> + </p> + <p> + Perhaps the heading of this paper will deceive some readers into thinking + that I smoke nowadays in camera. It is, I know, a common jest among + smokers that such a promise as mine is seldom kept, and I allow that the + Arcadians tempt me still. But never shall it be said of me with truth that + I have broken my word. I smoke no more, and, indeed, though the scenes of + my bachelorhood frequently rise before me in dreams, painted as Scrymgeour + could not paint them, I am glad, when I wake up, that they are only + dreams. Those selfish days are done, and I see that though they were happy + days, the happiness was a mistake. As for the struggle that is supposed to + take place between a man and tobacco, after he sees smoking in its true + colors, I never experienced it. I have not even <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page270" name="page270"></a></span> any craving for the + Arcadia now, though it is a tobacco that should only be smoked by our + greatest men. Were we to present a tin of it to our national heroes, + instead of the freedom of the city, they would probably thank us more. + Jimmy and the others are quite unworthy to smoke it; indeed, if I had my + way they would give up smoking altogether. Nothing, perhaps, shows more + completely how I have severed my bonds than this: that my wife is willing + to let our friends smoke in the study, but I will not hear of it. There + shall be no smoking in my house; and I have determined to speak to Jimmy + about smoking out at our spare bedroom window. It is a mere contemptible + pretence to say that none of the smoke comes back into the room. The + curtains positively reek of it, and we must have them washed at once. I + shall speak plainly to Jimmy because I want him to tell the others. They + must understand clearly on what terms they are received in this house, and + if they prefer making chimneys of themselves to listening to music, by all + means let them stay at home. + </p> + <p> + But when my wife is asleep and all the house is still, I listen to the man + through the wall. At such times I have my brier in my mouth, but there is + no harm in that, for it is empty. I <span class="pagenum"><a id="page271" + name="page271"></a></span> did not like to give away my brier, + knowing no one who understood it, and I always carry it about with me now + to remind me of my dark past. When the man through the wall lights up I + put my cold pipe in my mouth and we have a quiet hour together. + </p> + <p> + I have never, to my knowledge, seen the man through the wall, for his door + is round the corner, and, besides, I have no interest in him until + half-past eleven P.M. We begin then. I know him chiefly by his pipes, and + them I know by his taps on the wall as he knocks the ashes out of them. He + does not smoke the Arcadia, for his temper is hasty, and he breaks the + coals with his foot. Though I am compelled to say that I do not consider + his character very lovable, he has his good points, and I like his + attachment to his brier. He scrapes it, on the whole, a little roughly, + but that is because he is so anxious to light up again, and I discovered + long ago that he has signed an agreement with his wife to go to bed at + half-past twelve. For some time I could not understand why he had a silver + rim put on the bowl. I noticed the change in the tap at once, and the + natural conclusion would have been that the bowl had cracked. But it never + had the tap of a cracked bowl. I was reluctant to believe that the man + through the <span class="pagenum"><a id="page272" name="page272"></a> + </span> wall was merely some vulgar fellow, and I felt that he could + not be so, or else he would have smoked his meerschaum more. At last I + understood. The bowl had worn away on one side, <a name="image-ch33-1" + id="image-ch33-1"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-1a.png" + style="width:250px;height:239px;float:left;clear:left;padding:0;margin: .5em 1em 0em 0em;" + alt=""The man through the wall"" /> <img src="images/ch33-1b.png" + style="width:190px;height:127px;float:left;clear:left;padding:0;margin: 0em 1em .5em 0em;" + alt=""The man through the wall"" /> and the silver rim had been + needed to keep the tobacco in. Undoubtedly this was the explanation, for + even before the rim came I was a little puzzled by the taps of the brier. + He never seemed to hit the wall with the whole mouth of the bowl, but of + course the reason was that he could not. At the same time I do not + exonerate him from blame. He is a clumsy smoker to burn his bowl at one + side, and I am afraid he lets the stem slip round in his teeth. Of course, + I see that the mouth-piece is loose, but a piece of blotting-paper would + remedy that. + </p> + <p> + <span class="pagenum"><a id="page273" name="page273"></a></span> + </p> + <p> + His meerschaum is not such a good one as Jimmy's. Though Jimmy's + boastfulness about his meerschaum was hard to bear, none of us ever denied + the pipe's worth. The man through the wall has not a cherry-wood stem to + his meerschaum, and consequently it is too light. A ring has been worn + into the palm of his left hand, owing to his tapping the meerschaum there, + and it is as marked as Jimmy's ring, for, though Jimmy tapped more + strongly, the man through the wall has to tap oftener. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch33-2" id="image-ch33-2"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-2a.png" + style="width:350px;height:265px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: .5em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt="Pipes" /> <img src="images/ch33-2b.png" + style="width:127px;height:295px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Pipes" /> + </p> + <p> + What I chiefly dislike about the man through the wall is his treatment of + his clay. A clay, I need scarcely say, has an entirely different tap from + a meerschaum, but the man through the wall does not treat these two pipes + as if they were on an equality. He ought to tap his clay on the palm of + his hand, but he seldom does so, and I am strongly of opinion that when he + does, it is only because he has forgotten that this is not the meerschaum. + Were he to tap the clay on the walls or on the ribs of the fireplace he + would smash it, so he taps it on a coal. About this there is something + contemptible. I am not complaining because he has little affection for his + clay. In face of all that has been said in honor of clays, and knowing + that this statement will occasion an outcry against me, I <span + class="pagenum"><a id="page274" name="page274"></a></span> admit + that I never cared for clays myself. A rank tobacco is less rank through a + church-warden, but to smoke the Arcadia through a clay is to incur my + contempt, and even my resentment. But to disbelieve in clays is one thing + and to treat them badly is another. If the man through the wall has + decided, after reflection and experiment, that his clay is a mistake, I + say let him smoke it no more; but so long as he does smoke it I would have + it receive consideration from him. I very much question whether, if he + reads his heart, he could learn from it that he loves his meerschaum more + than his clay, yet because the meerschaum cost more he taps it on his + palm. This is a serious charge to bring against any man, but I do not make + it lightly. + </p> + <p> + The man through the wall smokes each of these three pipes nightly, + beginning with the brier. Thus he does not like a hot pipe. Some will hold + that he ought to finish with the brier, as it is his favorite, but I am + not of that opinion. Undoubtedly, I think, the first pipe is the sweetest; + indeed, I feel bound to make a statement here. I have an uneasy feeling + that I never did justice to meerschaums, and for this reason: I only + smoked them after my brier was hot, so that I never gave them a fair + chance. If <span class="pagenum"><a id="page275" name="page275"></a> + </span> I had begun the day with a meerschaum, might it not have shown + itself in a new light? That is a point I shall never be able to decide + now, but I often think of it, and I leave the verdict to others. + </p> + <p> + <a name="image-ch33-t" id="image-ch33-t"> + <!-- IMG --></a> <img src="images/ch33-ta.png" + style="width:205px;height:447px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 1em 0em 0em 1em;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII." /> <img src="images/ch33-tb.png" + style="width:400px;height:115px;float:right;clear:right;padding:0;margin: 0em 0em .5em 1em;" + alt="Tailpiece Chap. XXXIII." /> Even though I did not know that the man + through the wall must retire at half-past twelve, his taps at that hour + would announce it. He then gives each of his pipes <span class="pagenum"><a + id="page276" name="page276"></a></span> a final tap, not briskly + as before, but slowly, as if he was thinking between each tap. I have + sometimes decided to send him a tin of the only tobacco to smoke, but on + the whole I could not undertake the responsibility of giving a man whom I + have only studied for a few months such a testimonial. Therefore when his + last tap says good-night to me, <span + style="display:block;text-align:center;text-indent:0;"> I take my cold + brier out of <br /> my mouth, tap it on the<br /> mantelpiece, smile<br /> + sadly, and<br /> go to<br /> bed.</span> + </p> + +<div style='display:block; margin-top:4em'>*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK MY LADY NICOTINE ***</div> +<div style='text-align:left'> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Updated editions will replace the previous one—the old editions will +be renamed. +</div> + +<div style='display:block; margin:1em 0'> +Creating the works from print editions not protected by U.S. copyright +law means that no one owns a United States copyright in these works, +so the Foundation (and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United +States without permission and without paying copyright +royalties. 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