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diff --git a/old/xadam10.txt b/old/xadam10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..8398c27 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/xadam10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,766 @@ +The Project Gutenberg Etext Extracts From Adam's Diary, by Twain +#15 in our series by Mark Twain [Samuel Clemens] + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This Etext prepared by Kirk Pearson, kpearson@nyx.net + + + + + +Extracts From Adam's Diary + +Translated from the original MS. + +by Mark Twain + + + + +[NOTE.--I translated a portion of this diary some years ago, and +a friend of mine printed a few copies in an incomplete form, but +the public never got them. Since then I have deciphered some more +of Adam's hieroglyphics, and think he has now become sufficiently +important as a public character to justify this publication.--M. T.] + + +Monday + +This new creature with the long hair is a good deal in the way. +It is always hanging around and following me about. I don't like +this; I am not used to company. I wish it would stay with the +other animals. Cloudy to-day, wind in the east; think we shall +have rain. ... Where did I get that word? ... I remember now-- +the new creature uses it. + +Tuesday + +Been examining the great waterfall. It is the finest thing on the +estate, I think. The new creature calls it Niagara Falls--why, +I am sure I do not know. Says it looks like Niagara Falls. That +is not a reason; it is mere waywardness and imbecility. I get no +chance to name anything myself. The new creature names everything +that comes along, before I can get in a protest. And always that +same pretext is offered--it looks like the thing. There is the +dodo, for instance. Says the moment one looks at it one sees at +a glance that it "looks like a dodo." It will have to keep that +name, no doubt. It wearies me to fret about it, and it does no +good, anyway. Dodo! It looks no more like a dodo than I do. + +Wednesday + +Built me a shelter against the rain, but could not have it to +myself in peace. The new creature intruded. When I tried to put +it out it shed water out of the holes it looks with, and wiped it +away with the back of its paws, and made a noise such as some of +the other animals make when they are in distress. I wish it would +not talk; it is always talking. That sounds like a cheap fling +at the poor creature, a slur; but I do not mean it so. I have never +heard the human voice before, and any new and strange sound +intruding itself here upon the solemn hush of these dreaming +solitudes offends my ear and seems a false note. And this new +sound is so close to me; it is right at my shoulder, right at my +ear, first on one side and then on the other, and I am used only +to sounds that are more or less distant from me. + +Friday + +The naming goes recklessly on, in spite of anything I can do. I +had a very good name for the estate, and it was musical and pretty-- +GARDEN-OF-EDEN. Privately, I continue to call it that, but not +any longer publicly. The new creature says it is all woods and +rocks and scenery, and therefore has no resemblance to a garden. +Says it looks like a park, and does not look like anything but a +park. Consequently, without consulting me, it has been new-named-- +NIAGARA FALLS PARK. This is sufficiently high-handed, it seems to +me. And already there is a sign up: + + KEEP OFF + THE GRASS + +My life is not as happy as it was. + +Saturday + +The new creature eats too much fruit. We are going to run short, +most likely. "We" again--that is its word; mine too, now, from +hearing it so much. Good deal of fog this morning. I do not go +out in the fog myself. The new creature does. It goes out in +all weathers, and stumps right in with its muddy feet. And talks. +It used to be so pleasant and quiet here. + +Sunday + +Pulled through. This day is getting to be more and more trying. +It was selected and set apart last November as a day of rest. I +already had six of them per week, before. This morning found the +new creature trying to clod apples out of that forbidden tree. + +Monday + +The new creature says its name is Eve. That is all right, I have +no objections. Says it is to call it by when I want it to come. +I said it was superfluous, then. The word evidently raised me in +its respect; and indeed it is a large, good word, and will bear +repetition. It says it is not an It, it is a She. This is probably +doubtful; yet it is all one to me; what she is were nothing to me +if she would but go by herself and not talk. + +Tuesday + +She has littered the whole estate with execrable names and offensive +signs: + +THIS WAY TO THE WHIRLPOOL. + +THIS WAY TO GOAT ISLAND. + +CAVE OF THE WINDS THIS WAY. + +She says this park would make a tidy summer resort, if there was +any custom for it. Summer resort--another invention of hers--just +words, without any meaning. What is a summer resort? But it is +best not to ask her, she has such a rage for explaining. + +Friday + +She has taken to beseeching me to stop going over the Falls. What +harm does it do? Says it makes her shudder. I wonder why. I have +always done it--always liked the plunge, and the excitement, and +the coolness. I supposed it was what the Falls were for. They +have no other use that I can see, and they must have been made for +something. She says they were only made for scenery--like the +rhinoceros and the mastodon. + +I went over the Falls in a barrel--not satisfactory to her. Went +over in a tub--still not satisfactory. Swam the Whirlpool and the +Rapids in a fig-leaf suit. It got much damaged. Hence, tedious +complaints about my extravagance. I am too much hampered here. +What I need is change of scene. + +Saturday + +I escaped last Tuesday night, and travelled two days, and built +me another shelter, in a secluded place, and obliterated my tracks +as well as I could, but she hunted me out by means of a beast which +she has tamed and calls a wolf, and came making that pitiful noise +again, and shedding that water out of the places she looks with. +I was obliged to return with her, but will presently emigrate again, +when occasion offers. She engages herself in many foolish things: +among others, trying to study out why the animals called lions and +tigers live on grass and flowers, when, as she says, the sort of +teeth they wear would indicate that they were intended to eat each +other. This is foolish, because to do that would be to kill each +other, and that would introduce what, as I understand it, is called +"death;" and death, as I have been told, has not yet entered the +Park. Which is a pity, on some accounts. + +Sunday + +Pulled through. + +Monday + +I believe I see what the week is for: it is to give time to rest +up from the weariness of Sunday. It seems a good idea. ... She +has been climbing that tree again. Clodded her out of it. She +said nobody was looking. Seems to consider that a sufficient +justification for chancing any dangerous thing. Told her that. +The word justification moved her admiration--and envy too, I +thought. It is a good word. + +Thursday + +She told me she was made out of a rib taken from my body. This +is at least doubtful, if not more than that. I have not missed +any rib. ... She is in much trouble about the buzzard; says +grass does not agree with it; is afraid she can't raise it; thinks +it was intended to live on decayed flesh. The buzzard must get +along the best it can with what is provided. We cannot overturn +the whole scheme to accommodate the buzzard. + +Saturday + +She fell in the pond yesterday, when she was looking at herself +in it, which she is always doing. She nearly strangled, and said +it was most uncomfortable. This made her sorry for the creatures +which live in there, which she calls fish, for she continues to +fasten names on to things that don't need them and don't come when +they are called by them, which is a matter of no consequence to +her, as she is such a numskull anyway; so she got a lot of them +out and brought them in last night and put them in my bed to keep +warm, but I have noticed them now and then all day, and I don't +see that they are any happier there than they were before, only +quieter. When night comes I shall throw them out-doors. I will +not sleep with them again, for I find them clammy and unpleasant +to lie among when a person hasn't anything on. + +Sunday + +Pulled through. + +Tuesday + +She has taken up with a snake now. The other animals are glad, +for she was always experimenting with them and bothering them; +and I am glad, because the snake talks, and this enables me to +get a rest. + +Friday + +She says the snake advises her to try the fruit of that tree, and +says the result will be a great and fine and noble education. I +told her there would be another result, too--it would introduce +death into the world. That was a mistake--it had been better to +keep the remark to myself; it only gave her an idea--she could +save the sick buzzard, and furnish fresh meat to the despondent +lions and tigers. I advised her to keep away from the tree. She +said she wouldn't. I foresee trouble. Will emigrate. + +Wednesday + +I have had a variegated time. I escaped that night, and rode a +horse all night as fast as he could go, hoping to get clear out of +the Park and hide in some other country before the trouble should +begin; but it was not to be. About an hour after sunup, as I was +riding through a flowery plain where thousands of animals were +grazing, slumbering, or playing with each other, according to their +wont, all of a sudden they broke into a tempest of frightful noises, +and in one moment the plain was in a frantic commotion and every +beast was destroying its neighbor. I knew what it meant--Eve had +eaten that fruit, and death was come into the world. ... The +tigers ate my horse, paying no attention when I ordered them to +desist, and they would even have eaten me if I had stayed--which +I didn't, but went away in much haste. ... I found this place, +outside the Park, and was fairly comfortable for a few days, but +she has found me out. Found me out, and has named the place +Tonawanda--says it looks like that. In fact, I was not sorry she +came, for there are but meagre pickings here, and she brought some +of those apples. I was obliged to eat them, I was so hungry. It +was against my principles, but I find that principles have no real +force except when one is well fed. ... She came curtained in +boughs and bunches of leaves, and when I asked her what she meant +by such nonsense, and snatched them away and threw them down, she +tittered and blushed. I had never seen a person titter and blush +before, and to me it seemed unbecoming and idiotic. She said I +would soon know how it was myself. This was correct. Hungry as +I was, I laid down the apple half eaten--certainly the best one I +ever saw, considering the lateness of the season--and arrayed +myself in the discarded boughs and branches, and then spoke to her +with some severity and ordered her to go and get some more and not +make such a spectacle of herself. She did it, and after this we +crept down to where the wild-beast battle had been, and collected +some skins, and I made her patch together a couple of suits proper +for public occasions. They are uncomfortable, it is true, but +stylish, and that is the main point about clothes. ... I find +she is a good deal of a companion. I see I should be lonesome and +depressed without her, now that I have lost my property. Another +thing, she says it is ordered that we work for our living hereafter. +She will be useful. I will superintend. + +Ten Days Later + +She accuses me of being the cause of our disaster! She says, with +apparent sincerity and truth, that the Serpent assured her that +the forbidden fruit was not apples, it was chestnuts. I said I +was innocent, then, for I had not eaten any chestnuts. She said +the Serpent informed her that "chestnut" was a figurative term +meaning an aged and mouldy joke. I turned pale at that, for I +have made many jokes to pass the weary time, and some of them could +have been of that sort, though I had honestly supposed that they +were new when I made them. She asked me if I had made one just +at the time of the catastrophe. I was obliged to admit that I had +made one to myself, though not aloud. It was this. I was thinking +about the Falls, and I said to myself, "How wonderful it is to see +that vast body of water tumble down there!" Then in an instant a +bright thought flashed into my head, and I let it fly, saying, "It +would be a deal more wonderful to see it tumble up there!"--and I +was just about to kill myself with laughing at it when all nature +broke loose in war and death, and I had to flee for my life. +"There," she said, with triumph, "that is just it; the Serpent +mentioned that very jest, and called it the First Chestnut, and +said it was coeval with the creation." Alas, I am indeed to blame. +Would that I were not witty; oh, would that I had never had that +radiant thought! + +Next Year + +We have named it Cain. She caught it while I was up country +trapping on the North Shore of the Erie; caught it in the timber +a couple of miles from our dug-out--or it might have been four, +she isn't certain which. It resembles us in some ways, and may +be a relation. That is what she thinks, but this is an error, +in my judgment. The difference in size warrants the conclusion +that it is a different and new kind of animal--a fish, perhaps, +though when I put it in the water to see, it sank, and she plunged +in and snatched it out before there was opportunity for the +experiment to determine the matter. I still think it is a fish, +but she is indifferent about what it is, and will not let me have +it to try. I do not understand this. The coming of the creature +seems to have changed her whole nature and made her unreasonable +about experiments. She thinks more of it than she does of any of +the other animals, but is not able to explain why. Her mind is +disordered--everything shows it. Sometimes she carries the fish +in her arms half the night when it complains and wants to get to +the water. At such times the water comes out of the places in +her face that she looks out of, and she pats the fish on the back +and makes soft sounds with her mouth to soothe it, and betrays +sorrow and solicitude in a hundred ways. I have never seen her +do like this with any other fish, and it troubles me greatly. She +used to carry the young tigers around so, and play with them, +before we lost our property; but it was only play; she never took +on about them like this when their dinner disagreed with them. + +Sunday + +She doesn't work Sundays, but lies around all tired out, and likes +to have the fish wallow over her; and she makes fool noises to +amuse it, and pretends to chew its paws, and that makes it laugh. +I have not seen a fish before that could laugh. This makes me +doubt. ... I have come to like Sunday myself. Superintending +all the week tires a body so. There ought to be more Sundays. +In the old days they were tough, but now they come handy. + +Wednesday + +It isn't a fish. I cannot quite make out what it is. It makes +curious, devilish noises when not satisfied, and says "goo-goo" +when it is. It is not one of us, for it doesn't walk; it is not +a bird, for it doesn't fly; it is not a frog, for it doesn't hop; +it is not a snake, for it doesn't crawl; I feel sure it is not a +fish, though I cannot get a chance to find out whether it can swim +or not. It merely lies around, and mostly on its back, with its +feet up. I have not seen any other animal do that before. I said +I believed it was an enigma, but she only admired the word without +understanding it. In my judgment it is either an enigma or some +kind of a bug. If it dies, I will take it apart and see what its +arrangements are. I never had a thing perplex me so. + +Three Months Later + +The perplexity augments instead of diminishing. I sleep but little. +It has ceased from lying around, and goes about on its four legs +now. Yet it differs from the other four-legged animals in that +its front legs are unusually short, consequently this causes the +main part of its person to stick up uncomfortably high in the air, +and this is not attractive. It is built much as we are, but its +method of travelling shows that it is not of our breed. The short +front legs and long hind ones indicate that it is of the kangaroo +family, but it is a marked variation of the species, since the +true kangaroo hops, whereas this one never does. Still, it is a +curious and interesting variety, and has not been catalogued before. +As I discovered it, I have felt justified in securing the credit +of the discovery by attaching my name to it, and hence have called +it Kangaroorum Adamiensis. ... It must have been a young one +when it came, for it has grown exceedingly since. It must be five +times as big, now, as it was then, and when discontented is able +to make from twenty-two to thirty-eight times the noise it made +at first. Coercion does not modify this, but has the contrary +effect. For this reason I discontinued the system. She reconciles +it by persuasion, and by giving it things which she had previously +told it she wouldn't give it. As already observed, I was not at +home when it first came, and she told me she found it in the woods. +It seems odd that it should be the only one, yet it must be so, +for I have worn myself out these many weeks trying to find another +one to add to my collection, and for this one to play with; for +surely then it would be quieter, and we could tame it more easily. +But I find none, nor any vestige of any; and strangest of all, no +tracks. It has to live on the ground, it cannot help itself; +therefore, how does it get about without leaving a track? I have +set a dozen traps, but they do no good. I catch all small animals +except that one; animals that merely go into the trap out of +curiosity, I think, to see what the milk is there for. They never +drink it. + +Three Months Later + +The kangaroo still continues to grow, which is very strange and +perplexing. I never knew one to be so long getting its growth. +It has fur on its head now; not like kangaroo fur, but exactly +like our hair, except that it is much finer and softer, and instead +of being black is red. I am like to lose my mind over the capricious +and harassing developments of this unclassifiable zoological freak. +If I could catch another one--but that is hopeless; it is a new +variety, and the only sample; this is plain. But I caught a true +kangaroo and brought it in, thinking that this one, being lonesome, +would rather have that for company than have no kin at all, or any +animal it could feel a nearness to or get sympathy from in its +forlorn condition here among strangers who do not know its ways +or habits, or what to do to make it feel that it is among friends; +but it was a mistake--it went into such fits at the sight of the +kangaroo that I was convinced it had never seen one before. I +pity the poor noisy little animal, but there is nothing I can do +to make it happy. If I could tame it--but that is out of the +question; the more I try, the worse I seem to make it. It grieves +me to the heart to see it in its little storms of sorrow and +passion. I wanted to let it go, but she wouldn't hear of it. That +seemed cruel and not like her; and yet she may be right. It might +be lonelier than ever; for since I cannot find another one, how +could it? + +Five Months Later + +It is not a kangaroo. No, for it supports itself by holding to +her finger, and thus goes a few steps on its hind legs, and then +falls down. It is probably some kind of a bear; and yet it has +no tail--as yet--and no fur, except on its head. It still keeps +on growing--that is a curious circumstance, for bears get their +growth earlier than this. Bears are dangerous--since our +catastrophe--and I shall not be satisfied to have this one prowling +about the place much longer without a muzzle on. I have offered +to get her a kangaroo if she would let this one go, but it did no +good--she is determined to run us into all sorts of foolish risks, +I think. She was not like this before she lost her mind. + +A Fortnight Later + +I examined its mouth. There is no danger yet; it has only one +tooth. It has no tail yet. It makes more noise now than it ever +did before--and mainly at night. I have moved out. But I shall +go over, mornings, to breakfast, and to see if it has more teeth. +If it gets a mouthful of teeth, it will be time for it to go, tail +or no tail, for a bear does not need a tail in order to be +dangerous. + +Four Months Later + +I have been off hunting and fishing a month, up in the region that +she calls Buffalo; I don't know why, unless it is because there +are not any buffaloes there. Meantime the bear has learned to +paddle around all by itself on its hind legs, and says "poppa" +and "momma." It is certainly a new species. This resemblance to +words may be purely accidental, of course, and may have no purpose +or meaning; but even in that case it is still extraordinary, and +is a thing which no other bear can do. This imitation of speech, +taken together with general absence of fur and entire absence of +tail, sufficiently indicates that this is a new kind of bear. The +further study of it will be exceedingly interesting. Meantime I +will go off on a far expedition among the forests of the North and +make an exhaustive search. There must certainly be another one +somewhere, and this one will be less dangerous when it has company +of its own species. I will go straightway; but I will muzzle this +one first. + +Three Months Later + +It has been a weary, weary hunt, yet I have had no success. In +the mean time, without stirring from the home estate, she has +caught another one! I never saw such luck. I might have hunted +these woods a hundred years, I never should have run across that +thing. + +Next Day + +I have been comparing the new one with the old one, and it is +perfectly plain that they are the same breed. I was going to stuff +one of them for my collection, but she is prejudiced against it +for some reason or other; so I have relinquished the idea, though +I think it is a mistake. It would be an irreparable loss to science +if they should get away. The old one is tamer than it was, and +can laugh and talk like the parrot, having learned this, no doubt, +from being with the parrot so much, and having the imitative faculty +in a highly developed degree. I shall be astonished if it turns +out to be a new kind of parrot, and yet I ought not to be astonished, +for it has already been everything else it could think of, since +those first days when it was a fish. The new one is as ugly now +as the old one was at first; has the same sulphur-and-raw-meat +complexion and the same singular head without any fur on it. She +calls it Abel. + +Ten Years Later + +They are boys; we found it out long ago. It was their coming in +that small, immature shape that puzzled us; we were not used to it. +There are some girls now. Abel is a good boy, but if Cain had +stayed a bear it would have improved him. After all these years, +I see that I was mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better +to live outside the Garden with her than inside it without her. +At first I thought she talked too much; but now I should be sorry +to have that voice fall silent and pass out of my life. Blessed +be the chestnut that brought us near together and taught me to +know the goodness of her heart and the sweetness of her spirit! + + + + + +End of The Project Gutenberg Etext Extracts From Adam's Diary, by Twain + |