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+The Project Gutenberg eBook of Extracts From Adam’s Diary by Mark Twain
+
+This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere in the United States and
+most other parts of the world at no cost and with almost no restrictions
+whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or re-use it under the terms
+of the Project Gutenberg License included with this eBook or online at
+www.gutenberg.org. If you are not located in the United States, you
+will have to check the laws of the country where you are located before
+using this eBook.
+
+Title: Extracts From Adam’s Diary
+
+Author: Mark Twain (Samuel Clemens)
+
+Release Date: September 15, 2004 [eBook #1892]
+[Most recently updated: September 6, 2021]
+
+Language: English
+
+Character set encoding: UTF-8
+
+Produced by: Kirk Pearson
+
+*** START OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY ***
+
+
+
+
+[Illustration]
+
+Extracts From Adam’s Diary
+
+Translated from the original MS.
+
+by Mark Twain
+
+
+
+
+[NOTE.—I translated a portion of this diary some years ago, and a
+friend of mine printed a few copies in an incomplete form, but the
+public never got them. Since then I have deciphered some more of Adam’s
+hieroglyphics, and think he has now become sufficiently important as a
+public character to justify this publication.—M. T.]
+
+
+
+
+Monday
+
+
+This new creature with the long hair is a good deal in the way. It is
+always hanging around and following me about. I don’t like this; I am
+not used to company. I wish it would stay with the other animals.
+Cloudy to-day, wind in the east; think we shall have rain…. Where did I
+get that word?… I remember now—the new creature uses it.
+
+
+
+
+Tuesday
+
+
+Been examining the great waterfall. It is the finest thing on the
+estate, I think. The new creature calls it Niagara Falls—why, I am sure
+I do not know. Says it looks like Niagara Falls. That is not a reason;
+it is mere waywardness and imbecility. I get no chance to name anything
+myself. The new creature names everything that comes along, before I
+can get in a protest. And always that same pretext is offered—it looks
+like the thing. There is the dodo, for instance. Says the moment one
+looks at it one sees at a glance that it “looks like a dodo.” It will
+have to keep that name, no doubt. It wearies me to fret about it, and
+it does no good, anyway. Dodo! It looks no more like a dodo than I do.
+
+
+
+
+Wednesday
+
+
+Built me a shelter against the rain, but could not have it to myself in
+peace. The new creature intruded. When I tried to put it out it shed
+water out of the holes it looks with, and wiped it away with the back
+of its paws, and made a noise such as some of the other animals make
+when they are in distress. I wish it would not talk; it is always
+talking. That sounds like a cheap fling at the poor creature, a slur;
+but I do not mean it so. I have never heard the human voice before, and
+any new and strange sound intruding itself here upon the solemn hush of
+these dreaming solitudes offends my ear and seems a false note. And
+this new sound is so close to me; it is right at my shoulder, right at
+my ear, first on one side and then on the other, and I am used only to
+sounds that are more or less distant from me.
+
+
+
+
+Friday
+
+
+The naming goes recklessly on, in spite of anything I can do. I had a
+very good name for the estate, and it was musical and pretty
+—GARDEN-OF-EDEN. Privately, I continue to call it that, but not any
+longer publicly. The new creature says it is all woods and rocks and
+scenery, and therefore has no resemblance to a garden. Says it looks
+like a park, and does not look like anything but a park. Consequently,
+without consulting me, it has been new-named —NIAGARA FALLS PARK. This
+is sufficiently high-handed, it seems to me. And already there is a
+sign up:
+
+KEEP OFF THE GRASS
+
+My life is not as happy as it was.
+
+
+
+
+Saturday
+
+
+The new creature eats too much fruit. We are going to run short, most
+likely. “We” again—that is its word; mine too, now, from hearing it so
+much. Good deal of fog this morning. I do not go out in the fog myself.
+The new creature does. It goes out in all weathers, and stumps right in
+with its muddy feet. And talks. It used to be so pleasant and quiet
+here.
+
+
+
+
+Sunday
+
+
+Pulled through. This day is getting to be more and more trying. It was
+selected and set apart last November as a day of rest. I already had
+six of them per week, before. This morning found the new creature
+trying to clod apples out of that forbidden tree.
+
+
+
+
+Monday
+
+
+The new creature says its name is Eve. That is all right, I have no
+objections. Says it is to call it by when I want it to come. I said it
+was superfluous, then. The word evidently raised me in its respect; and
+indeed it is a large, good word, and will bear repetition. It says it
+is not an It, it is a She. This is probably doubtful; yet it is all one
+to me; what she is were nothing to me if she would but go by herself
+and not talk.
+
+
+
+
+Tuesday
+
+
+She has littered the whole estate with execrable names and offensive
+signs:
+
+THIS WAY TO THE WHIRLPOOL.
+
+THIS WAY TO GOAT ISLAND.
+
+CAVE OF THE WINDS THIS WAY.
+
+She says this park would make a tidy summer resort, if there was any
+custom for it. Summer resort—another invention of hers—just words,
+without any meaning. What is a summer resort? But it is best not to ask
+her, she has such a rage for explaining.
+
+
+
+
+Friday
+
+
+She has taken to beseeching me to stop going over the Falls. What harm
+does it do? Says it makes her shudder. I wonder why. I have always done
+it—always liked the plunge, and the excitement, and the coolness. I
+supposed it was what the Falls were for. They have no other use that I
+can see, and they must have been made for something. She says they were
+only made for scenery—like the rhinoceros and the mastodon.
+
+I went over the Falls in a barrel—not satisfactory to her. Went over in
+a tub—still not satisfactory. Swam the Whirlpool and the Rapids in a
+fig-leaf suit. It got much damaged. Hence, tedious complaints about my
+extravagance. I am too much hampered here. What I need is change of
+scene.
+
+
+
+
+Saturday
+
+
+I escaped last Tuesday night, and travelled two days, and built me
+another shelter, in a secluded place, and obliterated my tracks as well
+as I could, but she hunted me out by means of a beast which she has
+tamed and calls a wolf, and came making that pitiful noise again, and
+shedding that water out of the places she looks with. I was obliged to
+return with her, but will presently emigrate again, when occasion
+offers. She engages herself in many foolish things: among others,
+trying to study out why the animals called lions and tigers live on
+grass and flowers, when, as she says, the sort of teeth they wear would
+indicate that they were intended to eat each other. This is foolish,
+because to do that would be to kill each other, and that would
+introduce what, as I understand it, is called “death;” and death, as I
+have been told, has not yet entered the Park. Which is a pity, on some
+accounts.
+
+
+
+
+Sunday
+
+
+Pulled through.
+
+
+
+
+Monday
+
+
+I believe I see what the week is for: it is to give time to rest up
+from the weariness of Sunday. It seems a good idea…. She has been
+climbing that tree again. Clodded her out of it. She said nobody was
+looking. Seems to consider that a sufficient justification for chancing
+any dangerous thing. Told her that. The word justification moved her
+admiration—and envy too, I thought. It is a good word.
+
+
+
+
+Thursday
+
+
+She told me she was made out of a rib taken from my body. This is at
+least doubtful, if not more than that. I have not missed any rib…. She
+is in much trouble about the buzzard; says grass does not agree with
+it; is afraid she can’t raise it; thinks it was intended to live on
+decayed flesh. The buzzard must get along the best it can with what is
+provided. We cannot overturn the whole scheme to accommodate the
+buzzard.
+
+
+
+
+Saturday
+
+
+She fell in the pond yesterday, when she was looking at herself in it,
+which she is always doing. She nearly strangled, and said it was most
+uncomfortable. This made her sorry for the creatures which live in
+there, which she calls fish, for she continues to fasten names on to
+things that don’t need them and don’t come when they are called by
+them, which is a matter of no consequence to her, as she is such a
+numskull anyway; so she got a lot of them out and brought them in last
+night and put them in my bed to keep warm, but I have noticed them now
+and then all day, and I don’t see that they are any happier there than
+they were before, only quieter. When night comes I shall throw them
+out-doors. I will not sleep with them again, for I find them clammy and
+unpleasant to lie among when a person hasn’t anything on.
+
+
+
+
+Sunday
+
+
+Pulled through.
+
+
+
+
+Tuesday
+
+
+She has taken up with a snake now. The other animals are glad, for she
+was always experimenting with them and bothering them; and I am glad,
+because the snake talks, and this enables me to get a rest.
+
+
+
+
+Friday
+
+
+She says the snake advises her to try the fruit of that tree, and says
+the result will be a great and fine and noble education. I told her
+there would be another result, too—it would introduce death into the
+world. That was a mistake—it had been better to keep the remark to
+myself; it only gave her an idea—she could save the sick buzzard, and
+furnish fresh meat to the despondent lions and tigers. I advised her to
+keep away from the tree. She said she wouldn’t. I foresee trouble. Will
+emigrate.
+
+
+
+
+Wednesday
+
+
+I have had a variegated time. I escaped that night, and rode a horse
+all night as fast as he could go, hoping to get clear out of the Park
+and hide in some other country before the trouble should begin; but it
+was not to be. About an hour after sunup, as I was riding through a
+flowery plain where thousands of animals were grazing, slumbering, or
+playing with each other, according to their wont, all of a sudden they
+broke into a tempest of frightful noises, and in one moment the plain
+was in a frantic commotion and every beast was destroying its neighbor.
+I knew what it meant—Eve had eaten that fruit, and death was come into
+the world…. The tigers ate my horse, paying no attention when I ordered
+them to desist, and they would even have eaten me if I had stayed—which
+I didn’t, but went away in much haste…. I found this place, outside the
+Park, and was fairly comfortable for a few days, but she has found me
+out. Found me out, and has named the place Tonawanda—says it looks like
+that. In fact, I was not sorry she came, for there are but meagre
+pickings here, and she brought some of those apples. I was obliged to
+eat them, I was so hungry. It was against my principles, but I find
+that principles have no real force except when one is well fed…. She
+came curtained in boughs and bunches of leaves, and when I asked her
+what she meant by such nonsense, and snatched them away and threw them
+down, she tittered and blushed. I had never seen a person titter and
+blush before, and to me it seemed unbecoming and idiotic. She said I
+would soon know how it was myself. This was correct. Hungry as I was, I
+laid down the apple half eaten—certainly the best one I ever saw,
+considering the lateness of the season—and arrayed myself in the
+discarded boughs and branches, and then spoke to her with some severity
+and ordered her to go and get some more and not make such a spectacle
+of herself. She did it, and after this we crept down to where the
+wild-beast battle had been, and collected some skins, and I made her
+patch together a couple of suits proper for public occasions. They are
+uncomfortable, it is true, but stylish, and that is the main point
+about clothes. … I find she is a good deal of a companion. I see I
+should be lonesome and depressed without her, now that I have lost my
+property. Another thing, she says it is ordered that we work for our
+living hereafter. She will be useful. I will superintend.
+
+
+
+
+Ten Days Later
+
+
+She accuses me of being the cause of our disaster! She says, with
+apparent sincerity and truth, that the Serpent assured her that the
+forbidden fruit was not apples, it was chestnuts. I said I was
+innocent, then, for I had not eaten any chestnuts. She said the Serpent
+informed her that “chestnut” was a figurative term meaning an aged and
+mouldy joke. I turned pale at that, for I have made many jokes to pass
+the weary time, and some of them could have been of that sort, though I
+had honestly supposed that they were new when I made them. She asked me
+if I had made one just at the time of the catastrophe. I was obliged to
+admit that I had made one to myself, though not aloud. It was this. I
+was thinking about the Falls, and I said to myself, “How wonderful it
+is to see that vast body of water tumble down there!” Then in an
+instant a bright thought flashed into my head, and I let it fly,
+saying, “It would be a deal more wonderful to see it tumble up
+there!”—and I was just about to kill myself with laughing at it when
+all nature broke loose in war and death, and I had to flee for my life.
+“There,” she said, with triumph, “that is just it; the Serpent
+mentioned that very jest, and called it the First Chestnut, and said it
+was coeval with the creation.” Alas, I am indeed to blame. Would that I
+were not witty; oh, would that I had never had that radiant thought!
+
+
+
+
+Next Year
+
+
+We have named it Cain. She caught it while I was up country trapping on
+the North Shore of the Erie; caught it in the timber a couple of miles
+from our dug-out—or it might have been four, she isn’t certain which.
+It resembles us in some ways, and may be a relation. That is what she
+thinks, but this is an error, in my judgment. The difference in size
+warrants the conclusion that it is a different and new kind of animal—a
+fish, perhaps, though when I put it in the water to see, it sank, and
+she plunged in and snatched it out before there was opportunity for the
+experiment to determine the matter. I still think it is a fish, but she
+is indifferent about what it is, and will not let me have it to try. I
+do not understand this. The coming of the creature seems to have
+changed her whole nature and made her unreasonable about experiments.
+She thinks more of it than she does of any of the other animals, but is
+not able to explain why. Her mind is disordered—everything shows it.
+Sometimes she carries the fish in her arms half the night when it
+complains and wants to get to the water. At such times the water comes
+out of the places in her face that she looks out of, and she pats the
+fish on the back and makes soft sounds with her mouth to soothe it, and
+betrays sorrow and solicitude in a hundred ways. I have never seen her
+do like this with any other fish, and it troubles me greatly. She used
+to carry the young tigers around so, and play with them, before we lost
+our property; but it was only play; she never took on about them like
+this when their dinner disagreed with them.
+
+
+
+
+Sunday
+
+
+She doesn’t work Sundays, but lies around all tired out, and likes to
+have the fish wallow over her; and she makes fool noises to amuse it,
+and pretends to chew its paws, and that makes it laugh. I have not seen
+a fish before that could laugh. This makes me doubt…. I have come to
+like Sunday myself. Superintending all the week tires a body so. There
+ought to be more Sundays. In the old days they were tough, but now they
+come handy.
+
+
+
+
+Wednesday
+
+
+It isn’t a fish. I cannot quite make out what it is. It makes curious,
+devilish noises when not satisfied, and says “goo-goo” when it is. It
+is not one of us, for it doesn’t walk; it is not a bird, for it doesn’t
+fly; it is not a frog, for it doesn’t hop; it is not a snake, for it
+doesn’t crawl; I feel sure it is not a fish, though I cannot get a
+chance to find out whether it can swim or not. It merely lies around,
+and mostly on its back, with its feet up. I have not seen any other
+animal do that before. I said I believed it was an enigma, but she only
+admired the word without understanding it. In my judgment it is either
+an enigma or some kind of a bug. If it dies, I will take it apart and
+see what its arrangements are. I never had a thing perplex me so.
+
+
+
+
+Three Months Later
+
+
+The perplexity augments instead of diminishing. I sleep but little. It
+has ceased from lying around, and goes about on its four legs now. Yet
+it differs from the other four-legged animals in that its front legs
+are unusually short, consequently this causes the main part of its
+person to stick up uncomfortably high in the air, and this is not
+attractive. It is built much as we are, but its method of travelling
+shows that it is not of our breed. The short front legs and long hind
+ones indicate that it is of the kangaroo family, but it is a marked
+variation of the species, since the true kangaroo hops, whereas this
+one never does. Still, it is a curious and interesting variety, and has
+not been catalogued before. As I discovered it, I have felt justified
+in securing the credit of the discovery by attaching my name to it, and
+hence have called it Kangaroorum Adamiensis…. It must have been a young
+one when it came, for it has grown exceedingly since. It must be five
+times as big, now, as it was then, and when discontented is able to
+make from twenty-two to thirty-eight times the noise it made at first.
+Coercion does not modify this, but has the contrary effect. For this
+reason I discontinued the system. She reconciles it by persuasion, and
+by giving it things which she had previously told it she wouldn’t give
+it. As already observed, I was not at home when it first came, and she
+told me she found it in the woods. It seems odd that it should be the
+only one, yet it must be so, for I have worn myself out these many
+weeks trying to find another one to add to my collection, and for this
+one to play with; for surely then it would be quieter, and we could
+tame it more easily. But I find none, nor any vestige of any; and
+strangest of all, no tracks. It has to live on the ground, it cannot
+help itself; therefore, how does it get about without leaving a track?
+I have set a dozen traps, but they do no good. I catch all small
+animals except that one; animals that merely go into the trap out of
+curiosity, I think, to see what the milk is there for. They never drink
+it.
+
+
+
+
+Three Months Later
+
+
+The kangaroo still continues to grow, which is very strange and
+perplexing. I never knew one to be so long getting its growth. It has
+fur on its head now; not like kangaroo fur, but exactly like our hair,
+except that it is much finer and softer, and instead of being black is
+red. I am like to lose my mind over the capricious and harassing
+developments of this unclassifiable zoological freak. If I could catch
+another one—but that is hopeless; it is a new variety, and the only
+sample; this is plain. But I caught a true kangaroo and brought it in,
+thinking that this one, being lonesome, would rather have that for
+company than have no kin at all, or any animal it could feel a nearness
+to or get sympathy from in its forlorn condition here among strangers
+who do not know its ways or habits, or what to do to make it feel that
+it is among friends; but it was a mistake—it went into such fits at the
+sight of the kangaroo that I was convinced it had never seen one
+before. I pity the poor noisy little animal, but there is nothing I can
+do to make it happy. If I could tame it—but that is out of the
+question; the more I try, the worse I seem to make it. It grieves me to
+the heart to see it in its little storms of sorrow and passion. I
+wanted to let it go, but she wouldn’t hear of it. That seemed cruel and
+not like her; and yet she may be right. It might be lonelier than ever;
+for since I cannot find another one, how could it?
+
+
+
+
+Five Months Later
+
+
+It is not a kangaroo. No, for it supports itself by holding to her
+finger, and thus goes a few steps on its hind legs, and then falls
+down. It is probably some kind of a bear; and yet it has no tail—as
+yet—and no fur, except on its head. It still keeps on growing—that is a
+curious circumstance, for bears get their growth earlier than this.
+Bears are dangerous—since our catastrophe—and I shall not be satisfied
+to have this one prowling about the place much longer without a muzzle
+on. I have offered to get her a kangaroo if she would let this one go,
+but it did no good—she is determined to run us into all sorts of
+foolish risks, I think. She was not like this before she lost her mind.
+
+
+
+
+A Fortnight Later
+
+
+I examined its mouth. There is no danger yet; it has only one tooth. It
+has no tail yet. It makes more noise now than it ever did before—and
+mainly at night. I have moved out. But I shall go over, mornings, to
+breakfast, and to see if it has more teeth. If it gets a mouthful of
+teeth, it will be time for it to go, tail or no tail, for a bear does
+not need a tail in order to be dangerous.
+
+
+
+
+Four Months Later
+
+
+I have been off hunting and fishing a month, up in the region that she
+calls Buffalo; I don’t know why, unless it is because there are not any
+buffaloes there. Meantime the bear has learned to paddle around all by
+itself on its hind legs, and says “poppa” and “momma.” It is certainly
+a new species. This resemblance to words may be purely accidental, of
+course, and may have no purpose or meaning; but even in that case it is
+still extraordinary, and is a thing which no other bear can do. This
+imitation of speech, taken together with general absence of fur and
+entire absence of tail, sufficiently indicates that this is a new kind
+of bear. The further study of it will be exceedingly interesting.
+Meantime I will go off on a far expedition among the forests of the
+North and make an exhaustive search. There must certainly be another
+one somewhere, and this one will be less dangerous when it has company
+of its own species. I will go straightway; but I will muzzle this one
+first.
+
+
+
+
+Three Months Later
+
+
+It has been a weary, weary hunt, yet I have had no success. In the mean
+time, without stirring from the home estate, she has caught another
+one! I never saw such luck. I might have hunted these woods a hundred
+years, I never should have run across that thing.
+
+
+
+
+Next Day
+
+
+I have been comparing the new one with the old one, and it is perfectly
+plain that they are the same breed. I was going to stuff one of them
+for my collection, but she is prejudiced against it for some reason or
+other; so I have relinquished the idea, though I think it is a mistake.
+It would be an irreparable loss to science if they should get away. The
+old one is tamer than it was, and can laugh and talk like the parrot,
+having learned this, no doubt, from being with the parrot so much, and
+having the imitative faculty in a highly developed degree. I shall be
+astonished if it turns out to be a new kind of parrot, and yet I ought
+not to be astonished, for it has already been everything else it could
+think of, since those first days when it was a fish. The new one is as
+ugly now as the old one was at first; has the same sulphur-and-raw-meat
+complexion and the same singular head without any fur on it. She calls
+it Abel.
+
+
+
+
+Ten Years Later
+
+
+They are boys; we found it out long ago. It was their coming in that
+small, immature shape that puzzled us; we were not used to it. There
+are some girls now. Abel is a good boy, but if Cain had stayed a bear
+it would have improved him. After all these years, I see that I was
+mistaken about Eve in the beginning; it is better to live outside the
+Garden with her than inside it without her. At first I thought she
+talked too much; but now I should be sorry to have that voice fall
+silent and pass out of my life. Blessed be the chestnut that brought us
+near together and taught me to know the goodness of her heart and the
+sweetness of her spirit!
+
+
+
+
+*** END OF THE PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK EXTRACTS FROM ADAM’S DIARY ***
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