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diff --git a/18807.txt b/18807.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..767871c --- /dev/null +++ b/18807.txt @@ -0,0 +1,1375 @@ +Project Gutenberg's He Walked Around the Horses, by Henry Beam Piper + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: He Walked Around the Horses + +Author: Henry Beam Piper + +Illustrator: Cartier + +Release Date: July 11, 2006 [EBook #18807] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HE WALKED AROUND THE HORSES *** + + + + +Produced by Greg Weeks, William Woods and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + + + + + +Transcriber's note: +This etext was produced from Astounding Science Fiction April 1948. +Extensive research did not uncover any evidence that the copyright +on this publication was renewed. + + + + +[Illustration] + +HE WALKED +AROUND THE HORSES + +BY H. BEAM PIPER + +Illustrated by Cartier + +_This tale is based on an authenticated, +documented fact. A man vanished--right +out of this world. And where he went--_ + + +_In November 1809, an Englishman named Benjamin Bathurst vanished, +inexplicably and utterly._ + +_He was en route to Hamburg from Vienna, where he had been serving +as his government's envoy to the court of what Napoleon had left +of the Austrian Empire. At an inn in Perleburg, in Prussia, while +examining a change of horses for his coach, he casually stepped +out of sight of his secretary and his valet. He was not seen to +leave the inn yard. He was not seen again, ever._ + +_At least, not in this continuum...._ + + + +(From Baron Eugen von Krutz, Minister of Police, to His Excellency +the Count von Berchtenwald, Chancellor to His Majesty Friedrich +Wilhelm III of Prussia.) + +25 November, 1809 + +Your Excellency: + +A circumstance has come to the notice of this Ministry, the +significance of which I am at a loss to define, but, since it +appears to involve matters of State, both here and abroad, I am +convinced that it is of sufficient importance to be brought to +your personal attention. Frankly, I am unwilling to take any +further action in the matter without your advice. + +Briefly, the situation is this: We are holding, here at the +Ministry of Police, a person giving his name as Benjamin Bathurst, +who claims to be a British diplomat. This person was taken into +custody by the police at Perleburg yesterday, as a result of a +disturbance at an inn there; he is being detained on technical +charges of causing disorder in a public place, and of being a +suspicious person. When arrested, he had in his possession a +dispatch case, containing a number of papers; these are of such an +extraordinary nature that the local authorities declined to assume +any responsibility beyond having the man sent here to Berlin. + +After interviewing this person and examining his papers, I am, +I must confess, in much the same position. This is not, I am +convinced, any ordinary police matter; there is something very +strange and disturbing here. The man's statements, taken alone, +are so incredible as to justify the assumption that he is mad. I +cannot, however, adopt this theory, in view of his demeanor, +which is that of a man of perfect rationality, and because of the +existence of these papers. The whole thing is mad; incomprehensible! + +The papers in question accompany, along with copies of the +various statements taken at Perleburg, a personal letter to me +from my nephew, Lieutenant Rudolf von Tarlburg. This last is +deserving of your particular attention; Lieutenant von Tarlburg +is a very level-headed young officer, not at all inclined to be +fanciful or imaginative. It would take a good deal to affect him +as he describes. + +The man calling himself Benjamin Bathurst is now lodged in an +apartment here at the Ministry; he is being treated with every +consideration, and, except for freedom of movement, accorded +every privilege. + +I am, most anxiously awaiting your advice, et cetera, et cetera, + +Krutz + + + +(Report of Traugott Zeller, _Oberwachtmeister_, _Staatspolizei_, +made at Perleburg, 25 November, 1809.) + +At about ten minutes past two of the afternoon of Saturday, 25 +November, while I was at the police station, there entered a man +known to me as Franz Bauer, an inn servant employed by Christian +Hauck, at the sign of the Sword & Scepter, here in Perleburg. +This man Franz Bauer made complaint to _Staatspolizeikapitan_ +Ernst Hartenstein, saying that there was a madman making trouble +at the inn where he, Franz Bauer, worked. I was, therefore, +directed, by _Staatspolizeikapitan_ Hartenstein, to go to the +Sword & Scepter Inn, there to act at discretion to maintain the +peace. + +Arriving at the inn in company with the said Franz Bauer, I found +a considerable crowd of people in the common room, and, in the +midst of them, the innkeeper, Christian Hauck, in altercation with +a stranger. This stranger was a gentlemanly-appearing person, +dressed in traveling clothes, who had under his arm a small +leather dispatch case. As I entered, I could hear him, speaking in +German with a strong English accent, abusing the innkeeper, the +said Christian Hauck, and accusing him of having drugged his, the +stranger's, wine, and of having stolen his, the stranger's, +coach-and-four, and of having abducted his, the stranger's, +secretary and servants. This the said Christian Hauck was loudly +denying, and the other people in the inn were taking the +innkeeper's part, and mocking the stranger for a madman. + +On entering, I commanded everyone to be silent, in the king's name, +and then, as he appeared to be the complaining party of the dispute, +I required the foreign gentleman to state to me what was the +trouble. He then repeated his accusations against the innkeeper, +Hauck, saying that Hauck, or, rather, another man who resembled +Hauck and who had claimed to be the innkeeper, had drugged his wine +and stolen his coach and made off with his secretary and his +servants. At this point, the innkeeper and the bystanders all began +shouting denials and contradictions, so that I had to pound on a +table with my truncheon to command silence. + +I then required the innkeeper, Christian Hauck, to answer the +charges which the stranger had made; this he did with a complete +denial of all of them, saying that the stranger had had no wine +in his inn, and that he had not been inside the inn until a few +minutes before, when he had burst in shouting accusations, and +that there had been no secretary, and no valet, and no coachman, +and no coach-and-four, at the inn, and that the gentleman was +raving mad. To all this, he called the people who were in the +common room to witness. + +I then required the stranger to account for himself. He said +that his name was Benjamin Bathurst, and that he was a British +diplomat, returning to England from Vienna. To prove this, he +produced from his dispatch case sundry papers. One of these was +a letter of safe-conduct, issued by the Prussian Chancellery, in +which he was named and described as Benjamin Bathurst. The other +papers were English, all bearing seals, and appearing to be +official documents. + +Accordingly, I requested him to accompany me to the police station, +and also the innkeeper, and three men whom the innkeeper wanted to +bring as witnesses. + +Traugott Zeller +_Oberwachtmeister_ + +Report approved, + +Ernst Hartenstein +_Staatspolizeikapitan_ + + + +(Statement of the self-so-called Benjamin Bathurst, taken at the +police station at Perleburg, 25 November, 1809.) + +My name is Benjamin Bathurst, and I am Envoy Extraordinary and +Minister Plenipotentiary of the government of His Britannic Majesty +to the court of His Majesty Franz I, Emperor of Austria, or, at +least, I was until the events following the Austrian surrender +made necessary my return to London. I left Vienna on the morning +of Monday, the 20th, to go to Hamburg to take ship home; I was +traveling in my own coach-and-four, with my secretary, Mr. Bertram +Jardine, and my valet, William Small, both British subjects, and +a coachman, Josef Bidek, an Austrian subject, whom I had hired +for the trip. Because of the presence of French troops, whom I +was anxious to avoid, I was forced to make a detour west as far +as Salzburg before turning north toward Magdeburg, where I +crossed the Elbe. I was unable to get a change of horses for my +coach after leaving Gera, until I reached Perleburg, where I +stopped at the Sword & Scepter Inn. + +Arriving there, I left my coach in the inn yard, and I and my +secretary, Mr. Jardine, went into the inn. A man, not this fellow +here, but another rogue, with more beard and less paunch, and +more shabbily dressed, but as like him as though he were his +brother, represented himself as the innkeeper, and I dealt with +him for a change of horses, and ordered a bottle of wine for +myself and my secretary, and also a pot of beer apiece for my +valet and the coachman, to be taken outside to them. Then Jardine +and I sat down to our wine, at a table in the common room, until +the man who claimed to be the innkeeper came back and told us +that the fresh horses were harnessed to the coach and ready to +go. Then we went outside again. + +I looked at the two horses on the off side, and then walked around +in front of the team to look at the two nigh-side horses, and as I +did I felt giddy, as though I were about to fall, and everything +went black before my eyes. I thought I was having a fainting +spell, something I am not at all subject to, and I put out my hand +to grasp the hitching bar, but could not find it. I am sure, now, +that I was unconscious for some time, because when my head +cleared, the coach and horses were gone, and in their place was a +big farm wagon, jacked up in front, with the right front wheel +off, and two peasants were greasing the detached wheel. + +I looked at them for a moment, unable to credit my eyes, and +then I spoke to them in German, saying, "Where the devil's my +coach-and-four?" + +They both straightened, startled: the one who was holding the wheel +almost dropped it. + +"Pardon, excellency," he said, "there's been no coach-and-four here, +all the time we've been here." + +"Yes," said his mate, "and we've been here since just after noon." + +I did not attempt to argue with them. It occurred to me--and +it is still my opinion--that I was the victim of some plot; that +my wine had been drugged, that I had been unconscious for some +time, during which my coach had been removed and this wagon +substituted for it, and that these peasants had been put to work +on it and instructed what to say if questioned. If my arrival at +the inn had been anticipated, and everything put in readiness, +the whole business would not have taken ten minutes. + +I therefore entered the inn, determined to have it out with +this rascally innkeeper, but when I returned to the common room, +he was nowhere to be seen, and this other fellow, who has given +his name as Christian Hauck, claimed to be the innkeeper and +denied knowledge of any of the things I have just stated. +Furthermore, there were four cavalrymen, Uhlans, drinking beer +and playing cards at the table where Jardine and I had had our +wine, and they claimed to have been there for several hours. + +I have no idea why such an elaborate prank, involving the +participation of many people, should be played on me, except at +the instigation of the French. In that case, I cannot understand +why Prussian soldiers should lend themselves to it. + +Benjamin Bathurst + + + +(Statement of Christian Hauck, innkeeper, taken at the police +station at Perleburg, 25 November, 1809.) + +May it please your honor, my name is Christian Hauck, and I keep +an inn at the sign of the Sword & Scepter, and have these past +fifteen years, and my father, and his father, before me, for the +past fifty years, and never has there been a complaint like this +against my inn. Your honor, it is a hard thing for a man who +keeps a decent house, and pays his taxes, and obeys the laws, +to be accused of crimes of this sort. + +I know nothing of this gentleman, nor of his coach, nor his +secretary, nor his servants; I never set eyes on him before he +came bursting into the inn from the yard, shouting and raving +like a madman, and crying out, "Where the devil's that rogue of +an innkeeper?" + +I said to him, "I am the innkeeper; what cause have you to +call me a rogue, sir?" + +The stranger replied: + +"You're not the innkeeper I did business with a few minutes ago, +and he's the rascal I want to see. I want to know what the devil's +been done with my coach, and what's happened to my secretary and +my servants." + +I tried to tell him that I knew nothing of what he was talking +about, but he would not listen, and gave me the lie, saying that +he had been drugged and robbed, and his people kidnaped. He even +had the impudence to claim that he and his secretary had been +sitting at a table in that room, drinking wine, not fifteen +minutes before, when there had been four noncommissioned officers +of the Third Uhlans at that table since noon. Everybody in the +room spoke up for me, but he would not listen, and was shouting +that we were all robbers, and kidnapers, and French spies, and I +don't know what all, when the police came. + +Your honor, the man is mad. What I have told you about this is the +truth, and all that I know about this business, so help me God. + +Christian Hauck + + + +(Statement of Franz Bauer, inn servant, taken at the police station +at Perleburg, 25 November, 1809.) + +May it please your honor, my name is Franz Bauer, and I am a +servant at the Sword & Scepter Inn, kept by Christian Hauck. + +This afternoon, when I went into the inn yard to empty a bucket of +slops on the dung heap by the stables, I heard voices and turned +around, to see this gentleman speaking to Wilhelm Beick and Fritz +Herzer, who were greasing their wagon in the yard. He had not been +in the yard when I had turned away to empty the bucket, and I +thought that he must have come in from the street. This gentleman +was asking Beick and Herzer where was his coach, and when they +told him they didn't know, he turned and ran into the inn. + +Of my own knowledge, the man had not been inside the inn before +then, nor had there been any coach, or any of the people he spoke +of, at the inn, and none of the things he spoke of happened there, +for otherwise I would know, since I was at the inn all day. + +When I went back inside, I found him in the common room shouting +at my master, and claiming that he had been drugged and robbed. I +saw that he was mad and was afraid that he would do some mischief, +so I went for the police. + +Franz Bauer +his (x) mark + + + +(Statements of Wilhelm Beick and Fritz Herzer, peasants, taken at +the police station at Perleburg, 25 November, 1809.) + +May it please your honor, my name is Wilhelm Beick, and I am +a tenant on the estate of the Baron von Hentig. On this day, I +and Fritz Herzer were sent into Perleburg with a load of potatoes +and cabbages which the innkeeper at the Sword & Scepter had +bought from the estate superintendent. After we had unloaded +them, we decided to grease our wagon, which was very dry, before +going back, so we unhitched and began working on it. We took +about two hours, starting just after we had eaten lunch, and in +all that time, there was no coach-and-four in the inn yard. We +were just finishing when this gentleman spoke to us, demanding to +know where his coach was. We told him that there had been no +coach in the yard all the time we had been there, so he turned +around and ran into the inn. At the time, I thought that he had +come out of the inn before speaking to us, for I know that he +could not have come in from the street. Now I do not know where +he came from, but I know that I never saw him before that moment. + +Wilhelm Beick +his (x) mark + +I have heard the above testimony, and it is true to my own +knowledge, and I have nothing to add to it. + +Fritz Herzer +his (x) mark + + + +(From _Staatspolizeikapitan_ Ernst Hartenstein, to His Excellency, +the Baron von Krutz, Minister of Police.) + +25 November, 1809 + +Your Excellency: + +The accompanying copies of statements taken this day will explain +how the prisoner, the self-so-called Benjamin Bathurst, came into +my custody. I have charged him with causing disorder and being a +suspicious person, to hold him until more can be learned about +him. However, as he represents himself to be a British diplomat, +I am unwilling to assume any further responsibility, and am +having him sent to your excellency, in Berlin. + +In the first place, your excellency, I have the strongest doubts +of the man's story. The statement which he made before me, and +signed, is bad enough, with a coach-and-four turning into a farm +wagon, like Cinderella's coach into a pumpkin, and three people +vanishing as though swallowed by the earth. But all this is +perfectly reasonable and credible, beside the things he said to +me, of which no record was made. + +Your excellency will have noticed, in his statement, certain +allusions to the Austrian surrender, and to French troops in +Austria. After his statement had been taken down, I noticed these +allusions, and I inquired, what surrender, and what were French +troops doing in Austria. The man looked at me in a pitying +manner, and said: + +"News seems to travel slowly, hereabouts; peace was concluded +at Vienna on the 14th of last month. And as for what French +troops are doing in Austria, they're doing the same things +Bonaparte's brigands are doing everywhere in Europe." + +"And who is Bonaparte?" I asked. + +He stared at me as though I had asked him, "Who is the Lord Jehovah?" +Then, after a moment, a look of comprehension came into his face. + +"So, you Prussians concede him the title of Emperor, and refer +to him as Napoleon," he said. "Well, I can assure you that His +Britannic Majesty's government haven't done so, and never will; +not so long as one Englishman has a finger left to pull a trigger. +General Bonaparte is a usurper; His Britannic Majesty's government +do not recognize any sovereignty in France except the House of +Bourbon." This he said very sternly, as though rebuking me. + +[Illustration] + +It took me a moment or so to digest that, and to appreciate all its +implications. Why, this fellow evidently believed, as a matter of +fact, that the French Monarchy had been overthrown by some military +adventurer named Bonaparte, who was calling himself the Emperor +Napoleon, and who had made war on Austria and forced a surrender. I +made no attempt to argue with him--one wastes time arguing with +madmen--but if this man could believe that, the transformation of a +coach-and-four into a cabbage wagon was a small matter indeed. So, +to humor him, I asked him if he thought General Bonaparte's agents +were responsible for his trouble at the inn. + +"Certainly," he replied. "The chances are they didn't know me +to see me, and took Jardine for the minister, and me for the +secretary, so they made off with poor Jardine. I wonder, though, +that they left me my dispatch case. And that reminds me; I'll +want that back. Diplomatic papers, you know." + +I told him, very seriously, that we would have to check his +credentials. I promised him I would make every effort to locate +his secretary and his servants and his coach, took a complete +description of all of them, and persuaded him to go into an +upstairs room, where I kept him under guard. I did start +inquiries, calling in all my informers and spies, but, as I +expected, I could learn nothing. I could not find anybody, even, +who had seen him anywhere in Perleburg before he appeared at the +Sword & Scepter, and that rather surprised me, as somebody should +have seen him enter the town, or walk along the street. + +In this connection, let me remind your excellency of the +discrepancy in the statements of the servant, Franz Bauer, and of +the two peasants. The former is certain the man entered the inn +yard from the street; the latter are just as positive that he did +not. Your excellency, I do not like such puzzles, for I am sure +that all three were telling the truth to the best of their +knowledge. They are ignorant common folk, I admit, but they +should know what they did or did not see. + +After I got the prisoner into safekeeping, I fell to examining his +papers, and I can assure your excellency that they gave me a shock. +I had paid little heed to his ravings about the King of France +being dethroned, or about this General Bonaparte who called himself +the Emperor Napoleon, but I found all these things mentioned in his +papers and dispatches, which had every appearance of being official +documents. There was repeated mention of the taking, by the French, +of Vienna, last May, and of the capitulation of the Austrian +Emperor to this General Bonaparte, and of battles being fought all +over Europe, and I don't know what other fantastic things. Your +excellency, I have heard of all sorts of madmen--one believing +himself to be the Archangel Gabriel, or Mohammed, or a werewolf, +and another convinced that his bones are made of glass, or that he +is pursued and tormented by devils--but so help me God, this is the +first time I have heard of a madman who had documentary proof for +his delusions! Does your excellency wonder, then, that I want no +part of this business? + +But the matter of his credentials was even worse. He had papers, +sealed with the seal of the British Foreign Office, and to every +appearance genuine--but they were signed, as Foreign Minister, by +one George Canning, and all the world knows that Lord Castlereagh +has been Foreign Minister these last five years. And to cap it +all, he had a safe-conduct, sealed with the seal of the Prussian +Chancellery--the very seal, for I compared it, under a strong +magnifying glass, with one that I knew to be genuine, and they +were identical!--and yet, this letter was signed, as Chancellor, +not by Count von Berchtenwald, but by Baron Stein, the Minister of +Agriculture, and the signature, as far as I could see, appeared to +be genuine! This is too much for me, your excellency; I must ask +to be excused from dealing with this matter, before I become as +mad as my prisoner! + +I made arrangements, accordingly, with Colonel Keitel, of the +Third Uhlans, to furnish an officer to escort this man into +Berlin. The coach in which they come belongs to this police +station, and the driver is one of my men. He should be furnished +expense money to get back to Perleburg. The guard is a corporal +of Uhlans, the orderly of the officer. He will stay with the +_Herr Oberleutnant_, and both of them will return here at their +own convenience and expense. + +I have the honor, your excellency, to be, et cetera, et cetera. + +Ernst Hartenstein +_Staatspolizeikapitan_ + + + +(From _Oberleutnant_ Rudolf von Tarlburg, to Baron Eugen von Krutz.) + +26 November, 1809 + +Dear Uncle Eugen; + +This is in no sense a formal report; I made that at the Ministry, +when I turned the Englishman and his papers over to one of your +officers--a fellow with red hair and a face like a bulldog. But +there are a few things which you should be told, which wouldn't +look well in an official report, to let you know just what sort +of a rare fish has got into your net. + +I had just come in from drilling my platoon, yesterday, when +Colonel Keitel's orderly told me that the colonel wanted to see +me in his quarters. I found the old fellow in undress in his +sitting room, smoking his big pipe. + +"Come in, lieutenant; come in and sit down, my boy!" he greeted +me, in that bluff, hearty manner which he always adopts with his +junior officers when he has some particularly nasty job to be +done. "How would you like to take a little trip in to Berlin? I +have an errand, which won't take half an hour, and you can stay +as long as you like, just so you're back by Thursday, when your +turn comes up for road patrol." + +Well, I thought, this is the bait. I waited to see what the hook +would look like, saying that it was entirely agreeable with me, +and asking what his errand was. + +"Well, it isn't for myself, Tarlburg," he said. "It's for this +fellow Hartenstein, the _Staatspolizeikapitan_ here. He has +something he wants done at the Ministry of Police, and I thought +of you because I've heard you're related to the Baron von Krutz. +You are, aren't you?" he asked, just as though he didn't know all +about who all his officers are related to. + +"That's right, colonel; the baron is my uncle," I said. "What +does Hartenstein want done?" + +"Why, he has a prisoner whom he wants taken to Berlin and turned +over at the Ministry. All you have to do is to take him in, in a +coach, and see he doesn't escape on the way, and get a receipt +for him, and for some papers. This is a very important prisoner; +I don't think Hartenstein has anybody he can trust to handle him. +The prisoner claims to be some sort of a British diplomat, and +for all Hartenstein knows, maybe he is. Also, he is a madman." + +"A madman?" I echoed. + +"Yes, just so. At least, that's what Hartenstein told me. I wanted +to know what sort of a madman--there are various kinds of madmen, +all of whom must be handled differently--but all Hartenstein would +tell me was that he had unrealistic beliefs about the state of +affairs in Europe." + +"Ha! What diplomat hasn't?" I asked. + +Old Keitel gave a laugh, somewhere between the bark of a dog and +the croaking of a raven. + +"Yes, exactly! The unrealistic beliefs of diplomats are what +soldiers die of," he said. "I said as much to Hartenstein, but he +wouldn't tell me anything more. He seemed to regret having said +even that much. He looked like a man who's seen a particularly +terrifying ghost." The old man puffed hard at his famous pipe for +a while, blowing smoke through his mustache. "Rudi, Hartenstein +has pulled a hot potato out of the ashes, this time, and he wants +to toss it to your uncle, before he burns his fingers. I think +that's one reason why he got me to furnish an escort for his +Englishman. Now, look; you must take this unrealistic diplomat, +or this undiplomatic madman, or whatever in blazes he is, in to +Berlin. And understand this." He pointed his pipe at me as though +it were a pistol. "Your orders are to take him there and turn him +over at the Ministry of Police. Nothing has been said about +whether you turn him over alive, or dead, or half one and half +the other. I know nothing about this business, and want to know +nothing; if Hartenstein wants us to play gaol warders for him, +then he must be satisfied with our way of doing it!" + +Well, to cut short the story, I looked at the coach Hartenstein +had placed at my disposal, and I decided to chain the left door +shut on the outside, so that it couldn't be opened from within. +Then, I would put my prisoner on my left, so that the only way out +would be past me. I decided not to carry any weapons which he +might be able to snatch from me, so I took off my saber and locked +it in the seat box, along with the dispatch case containing the +Englishman's papers. It was cold enough to wear a greatcoat in +comfort, so I wore mine, and in the right side pocket, where my +prisoner couldn't reach, I put a little leaded bludgeon, and also +a brace of pocket pistols. Hartenstein was going to furnish me a +guard as well as a driver, but I said that I would take a servant, +who could act as guard. The servant, of course, was my orderly, +old Johann; I gave him my double hunting gun to carry, with a big +charge of boar shot in one barrel and an ounce ball in the other. + +In addition, I armed myself with a big bottle of cognac. I thought +that if I could shoot my prisoner often enough with that, he would +give me no trouble. + +As it happened, he didn't, and none of my precautions--except +the cognac--were needed. The man didn't look like a lunatic to +me. He was a rather stout gentleman, of past middle age, with a +ruddy complexion and an intelligent face. The only unusual thing +about him was his hat, which was a peculiar contraption, looking +like a pot. I put him in the carriage, and then offered him a +drink out of my bottle, taking one about half as big myself. He +smacked his lips over it and said, "Well, that's real brandy; +whatever we think of their detestable politics, we can't +criticize the French for their liquor." Then, he said, "I'm glad +they're sending me in the custody of a military gentleman, +instead of a confounded gendarme. Tell me the truth, lieutenant; +am I under arrest for anything?" + +"Why," I said, "Captain Hartenstein should have told you about +that. All I know is that I have orders to take you to the Ministry +of Police, in Berlin, and not to let you escape on the way. These +orders I will carry out; I hope you don't hold that against me." + +He assured me that he did not, and we had another drink on +it--I made sure, again, that he got twice as much as I did--and +then the coachman cracked his whip and we were off for Berlin. + +Now, I thought, I am going to see just what sort of a madman this +is, and why Hartenstein is making a State affair out of a squabble +at an inn. So I decided to explore his unrealistic beliefs about +the state of affairs in Europe. + +After guiding the conversation to where I wanted it, I asked him: + +"What, _Herr_ Bathurst, in your belief, is the real, underlying +cause of the present tragic situation in Europe?" + +That, I thought, was safe enough. Name me one year, since the +days of Julius Caesar, when the situation in Europe hasn't been +tragic! And it worked, to perfection. + +"In my belief," says this Englishman, "the whole mess is the +result of the victory of the rebellious colonists in North +America, and their blasted republic." + +Well, you can imagine, that gave me a start. All the world knows +that the American Patriots lost their war for independence from +England; that their army was shattered, that their leaders were +either killed or driven into exile. How many times, when I was a +little boy, did I not sit up long past my bedtime, when old +Baron von Steuben was a guest at Tarlburg-Schloss, listening +open-mouthed and wide-eyed to his stories of that gallant lost +struggle! How I used to shiver at his tales of the terrible +winter camp, or thrill at the battles, or weep as he told how he +held the dying Washington in his arms, and listened to his noble +last words, at the Battle of Doylestown! And here, this man was +telling me that the Patriots had really won, and set up the +republic for which they had fought! I had been prepared for some +of what Hartenstein had called unrealistic beliefs, but nothing +as fantastic as this. + +"I can cut it even finer than that," Bathurst continued. "It was +the defeat of Burgoyne at Saratoga. We made a good bargain when +we got Benedict Arnold to turn his coat, but we didn't do it soon +enough. If he hadn't been on the field that day, Burgoyne would +have gone through Gates' army like a hot knife through butter." + +But Arnold hadn't been at Saratoga. I know; I have read much of +the American War. Arnold was shot dead on New Year's Day of 1776, +during the storming of Quebec. And Burgoyne had done just as +Bathurst had said; he had gone through Gates like a knife, and +down the Hudson to join Howe. + +"But, _Herr_ Bathurst," I asked, "how could that affect the +situation in Europe? America is thousands of miles away, across +the ocean." + +"Ideas can cross oceans quicker than armies. When Louis XVI +decided to come to the aid of the Americans, he doomed himself +and his regime. A successful resistance to royal authority in +America was all the French Republicans needed to inspire them. Of +course, we have Louis's own weakness to blame, too. If he'd given +those rascals a whiff of grapeshot, when the mob tried to storm +Versailles in 1790, there'd have been no French Revolution." + +But he had. When Louis XVI ordered the howitzers turned on the +mob at Versailles, and then sent the dragoons to ride down the +survivors, the Republican movement had been broken. That had been +when Cardinal Talleyrand, who was then merely Bishop of Autun, +had came to the fore and become the power that he is today in +France; the greatest King's Minister since Richelieu. + +"And, after that, Louis's death followed as surely as night after +day," Bathurst was saying. "And because the French had no experience +in self-government, their republic was foredoomed. If Bonaparte +hadn't seized power, somebody else would have; when the French +murdered their king, they delivered themselves to dictatorship. +And a dictator, unsupported by the prestige of royalty, has no +choice but to lead his people into foreign war, to keep them from +turning upon him." + +It was like that all the way to Berlin. All these things seem +foolish, by daylight, but as I sat in the darkness of that +swaying coach, I was almost convinced of the reality of what he +told me. I tell you, Uncle Eugen, it was frightening, as though +he were giving me a view of Hell. _Gott im Himmel_, the things +that man talked of! Armies swarming over Europe; sack and +massacre, and cities burning; blockades, and starvation; kings +deposed, and thrones tumbling like tenpins; battles in which the +soldiers of every nation fought, and in which tens of thousands +were mowed down like ripe grain; and, over all, the Satanic +figure of a little man in a gray coat, who dictated peace to the +Austrian Emperor in Schoenbrunn, and carried the Pope away a +prisoner to Savona. + +Madman, eh? Unrealistic beliefs, says Hartenstein? Well, give +me madmen who drool spittle, and foam at the mouth, and shriek +obscene blasphemies. But not this pleasant-seeming gentleman who +sat beside me and talked of horrors in a quiet, cultured voice, +while he drank my cognac. + +But not all my cognac! If your man at the Ministry--the one +with red hair and the bulldog face--tells you that I was drunk +when I brought in that Englishman, you had better believe him! + +Rudi. + + + +(From Count von Berchtenwald, to the British Minister.) + +28 November, 1809 + +Honored Sir: + +The accompanying dossier will acquaint you with the problem +confronting this Chancellery, without needless repetition on my +part. Please to understand that it is not, and never was, any +part of the intentions of the government of His Majesty Friedrich +Wilhelm III to offer any injury or indignity to the government of +His Britannic Majesty George III. We would never contemplate +holding in arrest the person, or tampering with the papers, of an +accredited envoy of your government. However, we have the gravest +doubt, to make a considerable understatement, that this person +who calls himself Benjamin Bathurst is any such envoy, and we do +not think that it would be any service to the government of His +Britannic Majesty to allow an impostor to travel about Europe in +the guise of a British diplomatic representative. We certainly +should not thank the government of His Britannic Majesty for +failing to take steps to deal with some person who, in England, +might falsely represent himself to be a Prussian diplomat. + +This affair touches us as closely as it does your own government; +this man had in his possession a letter of safe-conduct, which +you will find in the accompanying dispatch case. It is of the +regular form, as issued by this Chancellery, and is sealed with +the Chancellery seal, or with a very exact counterfeit of it. +However, it has been signed, as Chancellor of Prussia, with a +signature indistinguishable from that of the Baron Stein, who is +the present Prussian Minister of Agriculture. Baron Stein was +shown the signature, with the rest of the letter covered, and +without hesitation acknowledged it for his own writing. However, +when the letter was uncovered and shown to him, his surprise and +horror were such as would require the pen of a Goethe or a +Schiller to describe, and he denied categorically ever having +seen the document before. + +I have no choice but to believe him. It is impossible to think +that a man of Baron Stein's honorable and serious character would +be party to the fabrication of a paper of this sort. Even aside +from this, I am in the thing as deeply as he; if it is signed +with his signature, it is also sealed with my seal, which has not +been out of my personal keeping in the ten years that I have been +Chancellor here. In fact, the word "impossible" can be used to +describe the entire business. It was impossible for the man +Benjamin Bathurst to have entered the inn yard--yet he did. It +was impossible that he should carry papers of the sort found in +his dispatch case, or that such papers should exist--yet I am +sending them to you with this letter. It is impossible that Baron +von Stein should sign a paper of the sort he did, or that it +should be sealed by the Chancellery--yet it bears both Stein's +signature and my seal. + +You will also find in the dispatch case other credentials, +ostensibly originating with the British Foreign Office, of the +same character, being signed by persons having no connection with +the Foreign Office, or even with the government, but being sealed +with apparently authentic seals. If you send these papers to +London, I fancy you will find that they will there create the same +situation as that caused here by this letter of safe-conduct. + +I am also sending you a charcoal sketch of the person who calls +himself Benjamin Bathurst. This portrait was taken without its +subject's knowledge. Baron von Krutz's nephew, Lieutenant von +Tarlburg, who is the son of our mutual friend Count von Tarlburg, +has a little friend, a very clever young lady who is, as you will +see, an expert at this sort of work: she was introduced into a +room at the Ministry of Police and placed behind a screen, where +she could sketch our prisoner's face. If you should send this +picture to London, I think that there is a good chance that it +might be recognized. I can vouch that it is an excellent likeness. + +To tell the truth, we are at our wits' end about this affair. +I cannot understand how such excellent imitations of these +various seals could be made, and the signature of the Baron von +Stein is the most expert forgery that I have ever seen, in thirty +years' experience as a statesman. This would indicate careful and +painstaking work on the part of somebody; how, then, do we +reconcile this with such clumsy mistakes, recognizable as such by +any schoolboy, as signing the name of Baron Stein as Prussian +Chancellor, or Mr. George Canning, who is a member of the +opposition party and not connected with your government, as +British Foreign secretary. + +[Illustration: 25 NOVEMBER 1808] + +These are mistakes which only a madman would make. There are those +who think our prisoner is mad, because of his apparent delusions +about the great conqueror, General Bonaparte, alias the Emperor +Napoleon. Madmen have been known to fabricate evidence to support +their delusions, it is true, but I shudder to think of a madman +having at his disposal the resources to manufacture the papers you +will find in this dispatch case. Moreover, some of our foremost +medical men, who have specialized in the disorders of the mind, +have interviewed this man Bathurst and say that, save for his +fixed belief in a nonexistent situation, he is perfectly sane. + +Personally, I believe that the whole thing is a gigantic hoax, +perpetrated for some hidden and sinister purpose, possibly to +create confusion, and to undermine the confidence existing +between your government and mine, and to set against one another +various persons connected with both governments, or else as a +mask for some other conspiratorial activity. Only a few months +ago, you will recall, there was a Jacobin plot unmasked at Koeln. + +But, whatever this business may portend, I do not like it. I +want to get to the bottom of it as soon as possible, and I will +thank you, my dear sir, and your government, for any assistance +you may find possible. + +I have the honor, sir, to be, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, + +Berchtenwald + + + +FROM BARON VON KRUTZ, TO THE COUNT VON BERCHTENWALD. MOST URGENT; +MOST IMPORTANT. TO BE DELIVERED IMMEDIATELY AND IN PERSON +REGARDLESS OF CIRCUMSTANCES. + +28 November, 1809 + +Count von Berchtenwald: + +Within the past half hour, that is, at about eleven o'clock +tonight, the man calling himself Benjamin Bathurst was shot and +killed by a sentry at the Ministry of Police, while attempting to +escape from custody. + +A sentry on duty in the rear courtyard of the Ministry observed +a man attempting to leave the building in a suspicious and furtive +manner. This sentry, who was under the strictest orders to allow +no one to enter or leave without written authorization, challenged +him; when he attempted to run, the sentry fired his musket at him, +bringing him down. At the shot, the Sergeant of the Guard rushed +into the courtyard with his detail, and the man whom the sentry +had shot was found to be the Englishman, Benjamin Bathurst. He had +been hit in the chest with an ounce ball, and died before the +doctor could arrive, and without recovering consciousness. + +An investigation revealed that the prisoner, who was confined +on the third floor of the building, had fashioned a rope from his +bedding, his bed cord, and the leather strap of his bell pull. +This rope was only long enough to reach to the window of the +office on the second floor, directly below, but he managed to +enter this by kicking the glass out of the window. I am trying to +find out how he could do this without being heard. I can assure +you that somebody is going to smart for this night's work. As for +the sentry, he acted within his orders; I have commended him for +doing his duty, and for good shooting, and I assume full +responsibility for the death of the prisoner at his hands. + +I have no idea why the self-so-called Benjamin Bathurst, who, +until now, was well-behaved and seemed to take his confinement +philosophically, should suddenly make this rash and fatal attempt, +unless it was because of those infernal dunderheads of madhouse +doctors who have been bothering him. Only this afternoon they +deliberately handed him a bundle of newspapers--Prussian, Austrian, +French, and English--all dated within the last month. They wanted +they said, to see how he would react. Well, God pardon them, +they've found out! + +What do you think should be done about giving the body burial? + +Krutz + + + +(From the British Minister, to the Count von Berchtenwald.) + +December 20th, 1809 + +My dear Count von Berchtenwald: + +Reply from London to my letter of the 28th, which accompanied the +dispatch case and the other papers, has finally come to hand. The +papers which you wanted returned--the copies of the statements +taken at Perleburg, the letter to the Baron von Krutz from the +police captain, Hartenstein, and the personal letter of Krutz's +nephew, Lieutenant von Tarlburg, and the letter of safe-conduct +found in the dispatch case--accompany herewith. I don't know what +the people at Whitehall did with the other papers; tossed them +into the nearest fire, for my guess. Were I in your place, that's +where the papers I am returning would go. + +I have heard nothing, yet, from my dispatch of the 29th concerning +the death of the man who called himself Benjamin Bathurst, but I +doubt very much if any official notice will ever be taken of it. +Your government had a perfect right to detain the fellow, and, +that being the case, he attempted to escape at his own risk. After +all, sentries are not required to carry loaded muskets in order to +discourage them from putting their hands in their pockets. + +To hazard a purely unofficial opinion, I should not imagine that +London is very much dissatisfied with this denouement. His Majesty's +government are a hard-headed and matter-of-fact set of gentry who do +not relish mysteries, least of all mysteries whose solution may be +more disturbing than the original problem. + +This is entirely confidential, but those papers which were in +that dispatch case kicked up the devil's own row in London, with +half the government bigwigs protesting their innocence to high +Heaven, and the rest accusing one another of complicity in the +hoax. If that was somebody's intention, it was literally a +howling success. For a while, it was even feared that there would +be questions in Parliament, but eventually, the whole vexatious +business was hushed. + +You may tell Count Tarlburg's son that his little friend is a +most talented young lady; her sketch was highly commended by no +less an authority than Sir Thomas Lawrence, and here comes the +most bedeviling part of a thoroughly bedeviled business. The +picture was instantly recognized. It is a very fair likeness of +Benjamin Bathurst, or, I should say, Sir Benjamin Bathurst, who +is King's lieutenant governor for the Crown Colony of Georgia. As +Sir Thomas Lawrence did his portrait a few years back, he is in +an excellent position to criticize the work of Lieutenant von +Tarlburg's young lady. However, Sir Benjamin Bathurst was known +to have been in Savannah, attending to the duties of his office, +and in the public eye, all the while that his double was in +Prussia. Sir Benjamin does not have a twin brother. It has been +suggested that this fellow might be a half-brother, but, as far +as I know, there is no justification for this theory. + +The General Bonaparte, alias the Emperor Napoleon, who is given so +much mention in the dispatches, seems also to have a counterpart +in actual life; there is, in the French army, a Colonel of +Artillery by that name, a Corsican who Gallicized his original +name of Napolione Buonaparte. He is a most brilliant military +theoretician; I am sure some of your own officers, like General +Scharnhorst, could tell you about him. His loyalty to the French +monarchy has never been questioned. + +This same correspondence to fact seems to crop up everywhere in +that amazing collection of pseudo-dispatches and pseudo-State +papers. The United States of America, you will recall, was the +style by which the rebellious colonies referred to themselves, in +the Declaration of Philadelphia. The James Madison who is +mentioned as the current President of the United States is now +living, in exile, in Switzerland. His alleged predecessor in +office, Thomas Jefferson, was the author of the rebel Declaration; +after the defeat of the rebels, he escaped to Havana, and died, +several years ago, in the Principality of Lichtenstein. + +I was quite amused to find our old friend Cardinal +Talleyrand--without the ecclesiastical title--cast in the role of +chief adviser to the usurper, Bonaparte. His Eminence, I have +always thought, is the sort of fellow who would land on his feet +on top of any heap, and who would as little scruple to be Prime +Minister to His Satanic Majesty as to His Most Christian Majesty. + +I was baffled, however, by one name, frequently mentioned in +those fantastic papers. This was the English general, Wellington. +I haven't the least idea who this person might be. + +I have the honor, your excellency, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera, + +Sir Arthur Wellesley + + +THE END. + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's He Walked Around the Horses, by Henry Beam Piper + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK HE WALKED AROUND THE HORSES *** + +***** This file should be named 18807.txt or 18807.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/8/0/18807/ + +Produced by Greg Weeks, William Woods and the Online +Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. 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