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diff --git a/old/gsgrl10.txt b/old/gsgrl10.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..198f702 --- /dev/null +++ b/old/gsgrl10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2383 @@ +Project Gutenberg Etext of The Diary of a Goose Girl, by Wiggin +#11 in our series by Kate Douglas Wiggin + + +Copyright laws are changing all over the world, be sure to check +the copyright laws for your country before posting these files!! + +Please take a look at the important information in this header. +We encourage you to keep this file on your own disk, keeping an +electronic path open for the next readers. Do not remove this. + + +**Welcome To The World of Free Plain Vanilla Electronic Texts** + +**Etexts Readable By Both Humans and By Computers, Since 1971** + +*These Etexts Prepared By Hundreds of Volunteers and Donations* + +Information on contacting Project Gutenberg to get Etexts, and +further information is included below. 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FOR PUBLIC DOMAIN ETEXTS*Ver.04.29.93*END* + + + + + +This etext was prepared by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk +from the 1902 Gay and Bird edition. + + + + + +The Diary of a Goose Girl + +by Kate Douglas Wiggin + + + + +THORNYCROFT FARM, near Barbury Green, July 1, 190-. + +In alluding to myself as a Goose Girl, I am using only the most +modest of my titles; for I am also a poultry-maid, a tender of +Belgian hares and rabbits, and a shepherdess; but I particularly +fancy the role of Goose Girl, because it recalls the German fairy +tales of my early youth, when I always yearned, but never hoped, to +be precisely what I now am. + +As I was jolting along these charming Sussex roads the other day, a +fat buff pony and a tippy cart being my manner of progression, I +chanced upon the village of Barbury Green. + +One glance was enough for any woman, who, having eyes to see, could +see with them; but I made assurance doubly sure by driving about a +little, struggling to conceal my new-born passion from the stable- +boy who was my escort. Then, it being high noon of a cloudless +day, I descended from the trap and said to the astonished yokel: +"You may go back to the Hydropathic; I am spending a month or two +here. Wait a moment--I'll send a message, please!" + +I then scribbled a word or two to those having me in custody. + +"I am very tired of people," the note ran, "and want to rest myself +by living a while with things. Address me (if you must) at Barbury +Green post-office, or at all events send me a box of simple +clothing there--nothing but shirts and skirts, please. I cannot +forget that I am only twenty miles from Oxenbridge (though it might +be one hundred and twenty, which is the reason I adore it), but I +rely upon you to keep an honourable distance yourselves, and not to +divulge my place of retreat to others, especially to--you know +whom! Do not pursue me. I will never be taken alive!" + +Having cut, thus, the cable that bound me to civilisation, and +having seen the buff pony and the dazed yokel disappear in a cloud +of dust, I looked about me with what Stevenson calls a "fine, +dizzy, muddle-headed joy," the joy of a successful rebel or a +liberated serf. Plenty of money in my purse--that was unromantic, +of course, but it simplified matters--and nine hours of daylight +remaining in which to find a lodging. + +The village is one of the oldest, and I am sure it must be one of +the quaintest, in England. It is too small to be printed on the +map (an honour that has spoiled more than one Arcadia), so pray do +not look there, but just believe in it, and some day you may be +rewarded by driving into it by chance, as I did, and feel the same +Columbus thrill running, like an electric current, through your +veins. I withhold specific geographical information in order that +you may not miss that Columbus thrill, which comes too seldom in a +world of railroads. + +The Green is in the very centre of Barbury village, and all civic, +political, family, and social life converges there, just at the +public duck-pond--a wee, sleepy lake with a slope of grass-covered +stones by which the ducks descend for their swim. + +The houses are set about the Green like those in a toy village. +They are of old brick, with crumpled, up-and-down roofs of deep- +toned red, and tufts of stonecrop growing from the eaves. Diamond- +paned windows, half open, admit the sweet summer air; and as for +the gardens in front, it would seem as if the inhabitants had +nothing to do but work in them, there is such a riotous profusion +of colour and bloom. To add to the effect, there are always pots +of flowers hanging from the trees, blue flax and yellow myrtle; and +cages of Java sparrows and canaries singing joyously, as well they +may in such a paradise. + +The shops are idyllic, too, as if Nature had seized even the man of +trade and made him subservient to her designs. The general +draper's, where I fitted myself out for a day or two quite easily, +is set back in a tangle of poppies and sweet peas, Madonna lilies +and Canterbury bells. The shop itself has a gay awning, and what +do you think the draper has suspended from it, just as a +picturesque suggestion to the passer-by? Suggestion I call it, +because I should blush to use the word advertisement in describing +anything so dainty and decorative. Well, then, garlands of shoes, +if you please! Baby bootlets of bronze; tiny ankle-ties in yellow, +blue, and scarlet kid; glossy patent-leather pumps shining in the +sun, with festoons of slippers at the corners, flowery slippers in +imitation Berlin wool-work. If you make this picture in your +mind's-eye, just add a window above the awning, and over the fringe +of marigolds in the window-box put the draper's wife dancing a +rosy-cheeked baby. Alas! my words are only black and white, I +fear, and this picture needs a palette drenched in primary colours. + +Along the street, a short distance, is the old watchmaker's. Set +in the hedge at the gate is a glass case with Multum in Parvo +painted on the woodwork. Within, a little stand of trinkets +revolves slowly; as slowly, I imagine, as the current of business +in that quiet street. The house stands a trifle back and is +covered thickly with ivy, while over the entrance-door of the shop +is a great round clock set in a green frame of clustering vine. +The hands pointed to one when I passed the watchmaker's garden with +its thicket of fragrant lavender and its murmuring bees; so I went +in to the sign of the "Strong i' the Arm" for some cold luncheon, +determining to patronise "The Running Footman" at the very next +opportunity. Neither of these inns is starred by Baedeker, and +this fact adds the last touch of enchantment to the picture. + +The landlady at the "Strong i' the Arm" stabbed me in the heart by +telling me that there were no apartments to let in the village, and +that she had no private sitting-room in the inn; but she speedily +healed the wound by saying that I might be accommodated at one of +the farm-houses in the vicinity. Did I object to a farm-'ouse? +Then she could cheerfully recommend the Evan's farm, only 'alf a +mile away. She 'ad understood from Miss Phoebe Evan, who sold her +poultry, that they would take one lady lodger if she didn't wish +much waiting upon. + +In my present mood I was in search of the strenuous life, and eager +to wait, rather than to be waited upon; so I walked along the edge +of the Green, wishing that some mentally unbalanced householder +would take a sudden fancy to me and ask me to come in and lodge +awhile. I suppose these families live under their roofs of peach- +blow tiles, in the midst of their blooming gardens, for a guinea a +week or thereabouts; yet if they "undertook" me (to use their own +phrase), the bill for my humble meals and bed would be at least +double that. I don't know that I blame them; one should have +proper compensation for admitting a world-stained lodger into such +an Eden. + +When I was searching for rooms a week ago, I chanced upon a pretty +cottage where the woman had sometimes let apartments. She showed +me the premises and asked me if I would mind taking my meals in her +own dining-room, where I could be served privately at certain +hours: and, since she had but the one sitting-room, would I allow +her to go on using it occasionally? also, if I had no special +preference, would I take the second-sized bedroom and leave her in +possession of the largest one, which permitted her to have the +baby's crib by her bedside? She thought I should be quite as +comfortable, and it was her opinion that in making arrangements +with lodgers, it was a good plan not to "bryke up the 'ome any more +than was necessary." + +"Bryke up the 'ome!" That is seemingly the malignant purpose with +which I entered Barbury Green. + + + +CHAPTER II + + + +July 4th. + +Enter the family of Thornycroft Farm, of which I am already a +member in good and regular standing. + +I introduce Mrs. Heaven first, for she is a self-saturated person +who would never forgive the insult should she receive any lower +place. + +She welcomed me with the statement: "We do not take lodgers here, +nor boarders; no lodgers, nor boarders, but we do occasionally +admit paying guests, those who look as if they would appreciate the +quietude of the plyce and be willing as you might say to remunerate +according." + +I did not mind at this particular juncture what I was called, so +long as the epithet was comparatively unobjectionable, so I am a +paying guest, therefore, and I expect to pay handsomely for the +handsome appellation. Mrs. Heaven is short and fat; she fills her +dress as a pin-cushion fills its cover; she wears a cap and apron, +and she is so full of platitudes that she would have burst had I +not appeared as a providential outlet for them. Her accent is not +of the farm, but of the town, and smacks wholly of the marts of +trade. She is repetitious, too, as well as platitudinous. "I 'ope +if there's anythink you require you will let us know, let us know," +she says several times each day; and whenever she enters my +sitting-room she prefaces her conversation with the remark: "I +trust you are finding it quiet here, miss? It's the quietude of +the plyce that is its charm, yes, the quietude. And yet" (she +dribbles on) "it wears on a body after a while, miss. I often go +into Woodmucket to visit one of my sons just for the noise, simply +for the noise, miss, for nothink else in the world but the noise. +There's nothink like noise for soothing nerves that is worn +threadbare with the quietude, miss, or at least that's my +experience; and yet to a strynger the quietude of the plyce is its +charm, undoubtedly its chief charm; and that is what our paying +guests always say, although our charges are somewhat higher than +other plyces. If there's anythink you require, miss, I 'ope you'll +mention it. There is not a commodious assortment in Barbury Green, +but we can always send the pony to Woodmucket in case of urgency. +Our paying guest last summer was a Mrs. Pollock, and she was by way +of having sudden fancies. Young and unmarried though you are, +miss, I think you will tyke my meaning without my speaking plyner? +Well, at six o'clock of a rainy afternoon, she was seized with an +unaccountable desire for vegetable marrows, and Mr. 'Eaven put the +pony in the cart and went to Woodmucket for them, which is a great +advantage to be so near a town and yet 'ave the quietude." + +Mr. Heaven is merged, like Mr. Jellyby, in the more shining +qualities of his wife. A line of description is too long for him. +Indeed, I can think of no single word brief enough, at least in +English. The Latin "nil" will do, since no language is rich in +words of less than three letters. He is nice, kind, bald, timid, +thin, and so colourless that he can scarcely be discerned save in a +strong light. When Mrs. Heaven goes out into the orchard in search +of him, I can hardly help calling from my window, "Bear a trifle to +the right, Mrs. Heaven--now to the left--just in front of you now-- +if you put out your hands you will touch him." + +Phoebe, aged seventeen, is the daughter of the house. She is +virtuous, industrious, conscientious, and singularly destitute of +physical charm. She is more than plain; she looks as if she had +been planned without any definite purpose in view, made of the +wrong materials, been badly put together, and never properly +finished off; but "plain" after all is a relative word. Many a +plain girl has been married for her beauty; and now and then a +beauty, falling under a cold eye, has been thought plain. + +Phoebe has her compensations, for she is beloved by, and +reciprocates the passion of, the Woodmancote carrier, Woodmucket +being the English manner of pronouncing the place of his abode. If +he "carries" as energetically for the great public as he fetches +for Phoebe, then he must be a rising and a prosperous man. He +brings her daily, wild strawberries, cherries, birds' nests, +peacock feathers, sea-shells, green hazel-nuts, samples of hens' +food, or bouquets of wilted field flowers tied together tightly and +held with a large, moist, loving hand. He has fine curly hair of +sandy hue, which forms an aureole on his brow, and a reddish beard, +which makes another inverted aureole to match, round his chin. One +cannot look at him, especially when the sun shines through him, +without thinking how lovely he would be if stuffed and set on +wheels, with a little string to drag him about. + +Phoebe confided to me that she was on the eve of loving the postman +when the carrier came across her horizon. + +"It doesn't do to be too hysty, does it, miss?" she asked me as we +were weeding the onion bed. "I was to give the postman his answer +on the Monday night, and it was on the Monday morning that Mr. +Gladwish made his first trip here as carrier. I may say I never +wyvered from that moment, and no more did he. When I think how +near I came to promising the postman it gives me a turn." (I can +understand that, for I once met the man I nearly promised years +before to marry, and we both experienced such a sense of relief at +being free instead of bound that we came near falling in love for +sheer joy.) + +The last and most important member of the household is the Square +Baby. His name is Albert Edward, and he is really five years old +and no baby at all; but his appearance on this planet was in the +nature of a complete surprise to all parties concerned, and he is +spoiled accordingly. He has a square head and jaw, square +shoulders, square hands and feet. He is red and white and solid +and stolid and slow-witted, as the young of his class commonly are, +and will make a bulwark of the nation in course of time, I should +think; for England has to produce a few thousand such square babies +every year for use in the colonies and in the standing army. +Albert Edward has already a military gait, and when he has acquired +a habit of obedience at all comparable with his power of command, +he will be able to take up the white man's burden with +distinguished success. Meantime I can never look at him without +marvelling how the English climate can transmute bacon and eggs, +tea and the solid household loaf into such radiant roses and lilies +as bloom upon his cheeks and lips. + + + +CHAPTER III + + + +July 8th. + +Thornycroft is by way of being a small poultry farm. + +In reaching it from Barbury Green, you take the first left-hand +road, go till you drop, and there you are. + +It reminds me of my "grandmother's farm at Older." Did you know +the song when you were a child? - + + +My grandmother had a very fine farm +'Way down in the fields of Older. +With a cluck-cluck here, +And a cluck-cluck there, +Here and there a cluck-cluck, +Cluck-cluck here and there, +Down in the fields at Older. + + +It goes on for ever by the simple subterfuge of changing a few +words in each verse. + + +My grandmother had a very fine farm +'Way down in the fields of Older. +With a quack-quack here, +And a quack-quack there, +Here and there a quack-quack, +Quack-quack here and there, +Down in the fields at Older. + + +This is followed by the gobble-gobble, moo-moo, baa-baa, etc., as +long as the laureate's imagination and the infant's breath hold +good. The tune is pretty, and I do not know, or did not, when I +was young, a more fascinating lyric. + +Thornycroft House must have belonged to a country gentleman once +upon a time, or to more than one; men who built on a bit here and +there once in a hundred years, until finally we have this +charmingly irregular and dilapidated whole. You go up three steps +into Mrs. Heaven's room, down two into mine, while Phoebe's is up +in a sort of turret with long, narrow lattices opening into the +creepers. There are crooked little stair-cases, passages that +branch off into other passages and lead nowhere in particular; I +can't think of a better house in which to play hide and seek on a +wet day. In front, what was once, doubtless, a green, is cut up +into greens; to wit, a vegetable garden, where the onions, turnips, +and potatoes grow cosily up to the very door-sill; the utilitarian +aspect of it all being varied by some scarlet-runners and a +scattering of poppies on either side of the path. + +The Belgian hares have their habitation in a corner fifty feet +distant; one large enclosure for poultry lies just outside the +sweetbrier hedge; the others, with all the houses and coops, are in +the meadow at the back, where also our tumbler pigeons are kept. + +Phoebe attends to the poultry; it is her department. Mr. Heaven +has neither the force nor the finesse required, and the gentle +reader who thinks these qualities unneeded in so humble a calling +has only to spend a few days at Thornycroft to be convinced. Mrs. +Heaven would be of use, but she is dressing the Square Baby in the +morning and putting him to bed at night just at the hours when the +feathered young things are undergoing the same operation. + +A Goose Girl, like a poet, is sometimes born, sometimes otherwise. +I am of the born variety. No training was necessary; I put my head +on my pillow as a complicated product of modern civilisation on a +Tuesday night, and on a Wednesday morning I awoke as a Goose Girl. + +My destiny slumbered during the day, but at eight o'clock I heard a +terrific squawking in the direction of the duck-ponds, and, +aimlessly drifting in that direction, I came upon Phoebe trying to +induce ducks and drakes, geese and ganders, to retire for the +night. They have to be driven into enclosures behind fences of +wire netting, fastened into little rat-proof boxes, or shut into +separate coops, so as to be safe from their natural enemies, the +rats and foxes; which, obeying, I suppose, the law of supply and +demand, abound in this neighbourhood. The old ganders are allowed +their liberty, being of such age, discretion, sagacity, and +pugnacity that they can be trusted to fight their own battles. + +The intelligence of hens, though modest, is of such an order that +it prompts them to go to bed at a virtuous hour of their own +accord; but ducks and geese have to be materially assisted, or I +believe they would roam till morning. Never did small boy detest +and resist being carried off to his nursery as these dullards, +young and old, detest and resist being driven to theirs. Whether +they suffer from insomnia, or nightmare, or whether they simply +prefer the sweet air of liberty (and death) to the odour of +captivity and the coop, I have no means of knowing. + +Phoebe stood by one of the duck-ponds, a long pole in her hand, and +a helpless expression in that doughlike countenance of hers, where +aimless contours and features unite to make a kind of facial blur. +(What does the carrier see in it?) The pole was not long enough to +reach the ducks, and Phoebe's method lacked spirit and adroitness, +so that it was natural, perhaps, that they refused to leave the +water, the evening being warm, with an uncommon fine sunset. + +I saw the situation at once and ran to meet it with a glow of +interest and anticipation. If there is anything in the world I +enjoy, it is making somebody do something that he doesn't want to +do; and if, when victory perches upon my banner, the somebody can +be brought to say that he ought to have done it without my making +him, that adds the unforgettable touch to pleasure, though seldom, +alas! does it happen. Then ensued the delightful and stimulating +hour that has now become a feature of the day; an hour in which the +remembrance of the table-d'hote dinner at the Hydro, going on at +identically the same time, only stirs me to a keener joy and +gratitude. + +The ducks swim round in circles, hide under the willows, and +attempt to creep into the rat-holes in the banks, a stupidity so +crass that it merits instant death, which it somehow always +escapes. Then they come out in couples and waddle under the wrong +fence into the lower meadow, fly madly under the tool-house, pitch +blindly in with the sitting hens, and out again in short order, all +the time quacking and squawking, honking and hissing like a +bewildered orchestra. By dint of splashing the water with poles, +throwing pebbles, beating the shrubs at the pond's edges, "shooing" +frantically with our skirts, crawling beneath bars to head them +off, and prodding them from under bushes to urge them on, we +finally get the older ones out of the water and the younger ones +into some sort of relation to their various retreats; but, owing to +their lack of geography, hatred of home, and general recalcitrancy, +they none of them turn up in the right place and have to be sorted +out. We uncover the top of the little house, or the enclosure as +it may be, or reach in at the door, and, seizing the struggling +victim, drag him forth and take him where he should have had the +wit to go in the first instance. The weak ones get in with the +strong and are in danger of being trampled; two May goslings that +look almost full-grown have run into a house with a brood of +ducklings a week old. There are twenty-seven crowded into one +coop, five in another, nineteen in another; the gosling with one +leg has to come out, and the duckling threatened with the gapes; +their place is with the "invaleeds," as Phoebe calls them, but they +never learn the location of the hospital, nor have the slightest +scruple about spreading contagious diseases. + +Finally, when we have separated and sorted exhaustively, an +operation in which Phoebe shows a delicacy of discrimination and a +fearlessness of attack amounting to genius, we count the entire +number and find several missing. Searching for their animate or +inanimate bodies, we "scoop" one from under the tool-house, chance +upon two more who are being harried and pecked by the big geese in +the lower meadow, and discover one sailing by himself in solitary +splendour in the middle of the deserted pond, a look of evil +triumph in his bead-like eye. Still we lack one young duckling, +and he at length is found dead by the hedge. A rat has evidently +seized him and choked him at a single throttle, but in such haste +that he has not had time to carry away the tiny body. + +"Poor think!" says Phoebe tearfully; "it looks as if it was 'it +with some kind of a wepping. I don't know whatever to do with the +rats, they're gettin' that fearocious!" + +Before I was admitted into daily contact with the living goose (my +previous intercourse with him having been carried on when gravy and +stuffing obscured his true personality), I thought him a very +Dreyfus among fowls, a sorely slandered bird, to whom justice had +never been done; for even the gentle Darwin is hard upon him. My +opinion is undergoing some slight modifications, but I withhold +judgment at present, hoping that some of the follies, faults, +vagaries, and limitations that I observe in Phoebe's geese may be +due to Phoebe's educational methods, which were, before my advent, +those of the darkest ages. + + + +CHAPTER IV + + + +July 9th. + +By the time the ducks and geese are incarcerated for the night, the +reasonable, sensible, practical-minded hens--especially those whose +mentality is increased and whose virtue is heightened by the +responsibilities of motherhood--have gone into their own particular +rat-proof boxes, where they are waiting in a semi-somnolent state +to have the wire doors closed, the bricks set against them, and the +bits of sacking flung over the tops to keep out the draught. We +have a great many young families, both ducklings and chicks, but we +have no duck mothers at present. The variety of bird which Phoebe +seems to have bred during the past year may be called the New Duck, +with certain radical ideas about woman's sphere. What will happen +to Thornycroft if we develop a New Hen and a New Cow, my +imagination fails to conceive. There does not seem to be the +slightest danger for the moment, however, and our hens lay and sit +and sit and lay as if laying and sitting were the twin purposes of +life. + +The nature of the hen seems to broaden with the duties of +maternity, but I think myself that we presume a little upon her +amiability and natural motherliness. It is one thing to desire a +family of one's own, to lay eggs with that idea in view, to sit +upon them three long weeks and hatch out and bring up a nice brood +of chicks. It must be quite another to have one's eggs abstracted +day by day and eaten by a callous public, the nest filled with +deceitful substitutes, and at the end of a dull and weary period of +hatching to bring into the world another person's children-- +children, too, of the wrong size, the wrong kind of bills and feet, +and, still more subtle grievance, the wrong kind of instincts, +leading them to a dangerous aquatic career, one which the mother +may not enter to guide, guard, and teach; one on the brink of which +she must ever stand, uttering dryshod warnings which are never +heeded. They grow used to this strange order of things after a +bit, it is true, and are less anxious and excited. When the duck- +brood returns safely again and again from what the hen-mother +thinks will prove a watery grave, she becomes accustomed to the +situation, I suppose. I find that at night she stands by the pond +for what she considers a decent, self-respecting length of time, +calling the ducklings out of the water; then, if they refuse to +come, the mother goes off to bed and leaves them to Providence, or +Phoebe. + +The brown hen that we have named Cornelia is the best mother, the +one who waits longest and most patiently for the web-footed Gracchi +to finish their swim. + +When a chick is taken out of the incubytor (as Phoebe calls it) and +refused by all the other hens, Cornelia generally accepts it, +though she had twelve of her own when we began using her as an +orphan asylum. "Wings are made to stretch," she seems to say +cheerfully, and with a kind glance of her round eye she welcomes +the wanderer and the outcast. She even tended for a time the +offspring of an absent-minded, light-headed pheasant who flew over +a four-foot wall and left her young behind her to starve; it was +not a New Pheasant, either; for the most conservative and old- +fashioned of her tribe occasionally commits domestic solecisms of +this sort. + +There is no telling when, where, or how the maternal instinct will +assert itself. Among our Thornycroft cats is a certain Mrs. +Greyskin. She had not been seen for many days, and Mrs. Heaven +concluded that she had hidden herself somewhere with a family of +kittens; but as the supply of that article with us more than equals +the demand, we had not searched for her with especial zeal. + +The other day Mrs. Greyskin appeared at the dairy door, and when +she had been fed Phoebe and I followed her stealthily, from a +distance. She walked slowly about as if her mind were quite free +from harassing care, and finally approached a deserted cow-house +where there was a great mound of straw. At this moment she caught +sight of us and turned in another direction to throw us off the +scent. We persevered in our intention of going into her probable +retreat, and were cautiously looking for some sign of life in the +haymow, when we heard a soft cackle and a ruffling of plumage. +Coming closer to the sound we saw a black hen brooding a nest, her +bright bead eyes turning nervously from side to side; and, coaxed +out from her protecting wings by youthful curiosity, came four +kittens, eyes wide open, warm, happy, ready for sport! + +The sight was irresistible, and Phoebe ran for Mr. and Mrs. Heaven +and the Square Baby. Mother Hen was not to be embarrassed or +daunted, even if her most sacred feelings were regarded in the +light of a cheap entertainment. She held her ground while one of +the kits slid up and down her glossy back, and two others, more +timid, crept underneath her breast, only daring to put out their +pink noses! We retired then for very shame and met Mrs. Greyskin +in the doorway. This should have thickened the plot, but there is +apparently no rivalry nor animosity between the co-mothers. We +watch them every day now, through a window in the roof. Mother +Greyskin visits the kittens frequently, lies down beside the home +nest, and gives them their dinner. While this is going on Mother +Blackwing goes modestly away for a bite, a sup, and a little +exercise, returning to the kittens when the cat leaves them. It is +pretty to see her settle down over the four, fat, furry dumplings, +and they seem to know no difference in warmth or comfort, whichever +mother is brooding them; while, as their eyes have been open for a +week, it can no longer be called a blind error on their part. + +When we have closed all our small hen-nurseries for the night, +there is still the large house inhabited by the thirty-two full- +grown chickens which Phoebe calls the broilers. I cannot endure +the term, and will not use it. "Now for the April chicks," I say +every evening. + +"Do you mean the broilers?" asks Phoebe. + +"I mean the big April chicks," say I. + +"Yes, them are the broilers," says she. + +But is it not disagreeable enough to be a broiler when one's time +comes, without having the gridiron waved in one's face for weeks +beforehand? + +The April chicks are all lively and desirous of seeing the world as +thoroughly as possible before going to roost or broil. As a +general thing, we find in the large house sixteen young fowls of +the contemplative, flavourless, resigned-to-the-inevitable variety; +three more (the same three every night) perch on the roof and are +driven down; four (always the same four) cling to the edge of the +open door, waiting to fly off, but not in, when you attempt to +close it; nine huddle together on a place in the grass about forty +feet distant, where a small coop formerly stood in the prehistoric +ages. This small coop was one in which they lodged for a fortnight +when they were younger, and when those absolutely indelible +impressions are formed of which we read in educational maxims. It +was taken away long since, but the nine loyal (or stupid) +Casabiancas cling to the sacred spot where its foundations rested; +they accordingly have to be caught and deposited bodily in the +house, and this requires strategy, as they note our approach from a +considerable distance. + +Finally all are housed but two, the little white cock and the black +pullet, who are still impish and of a wandering mind. Though +headed off in every direction, they fly into the hedges and hide in +the underbrush. We beat the hedge on the other side, but with no +avail. We dive into the thicket of wild roses, sweetbrier, and +thistles on our hands and knees, coming out with tangled hair, +scratched noses, and no hens. Then, when all has been done that +human ingenuity can suggest, Phoebe goes to her late supper and I +do sentry-work. I stroll to a safe distance, and, sitting on one +of the rat-proof boxes, watch the bushes with an eagle eye. Five +minutes go by, ten, fifteen; and then out steps the white cock, +stealthily tiptoeing toward the home into which he refused to go at +our instigation. In a moment out creeps the obstinate little beast +of a black pullet from the opposite clump. The wayward pair meet +at their own door, which I have left open a few inches. When all +is still I walk gently down the field, and, warned by previous +experiences, approach the house from behind. I draw the door to +softly and quickly; but not so quickly that the evil-minded and +suspicious black pullet hasn't time to spring out, with a make- +believe squawk of fright--that induces three other blameless +chickens to fly down from their perches and set the whole flock in +a flutter. Then I fall from grace and call her a Broiler; and +when, after some minutes of hot pursuit, I catch her by falling +over her in the corner by the goose-pen, I address her as a fat, +juicy Broiler with parsley butter and a bit of bacon. + + + +CHAPTER V + + + +July 10th. + +At ten thirty or so in the morning the cackling begins. I wonder +exactly what it means! Have the forest-lovers who listen so +respectfully to, and interpret so exquisitely, the notes of birds-- +have none of them made psychological investigations of the hen +cackle? Can it be simple elation? One could believe that of the +first few eggs, but a hen who has laid two or three hundred can +hardly feel the same exuberant pride and joy daily. Can it be the +excitement incident to successful achievement? Hardly, because the +task is so extremely simple. Eggs are more or less alike; a little +larger or smaller, a trifle whiter or browner; and almost sure to +be quite right as to details; that is, the big end never gets +confused with the little end, they are always ovoid and never +spherical, and the yolk is always inside of the white. As for a +soft-shelled egg, it is so rare an occurrence that the fear of +laying one could not set the whole race of hens in a panic; so +there really cannot be any intellectual or emotional agitation in +producing a thing that might be made by a machine. Can it be +simply "fussiness"; since the people who have the least to do +commonly make the most flutter about doing it? + +Perhaps it is merely conversation. "Cut-cut-cut-cut-cut-DAHcut! . +. . I have finished my strictly fresh egg, have you laid yours? +Make haste, then, for the cock has found a gap in the wire-fence +and wants us to wander in the strawberry-bed. . . . Cut-cut-cut- +cut-cut-DAHcut . . . Every moment is precious, for the Goose Girl +will find us, when she gathers the strawberries for her luncheon . +. . Cut-cut-cut-cut! On the way out we can find sweet places to +steal nests . . . Cut-cut-cut! . . . I am so glad I am not sitting +this heavenly morning; it IS a dull life. + +A Lancashire poultry-man drifted into Barbury Green yesterday. He +is an old acquaintance of Mr. Heaven, and spent the night and part +of the next day at Thornycroft Farm. He possessed a deal of fowl +philosophy, and tells many a good hen story, which, like fish +stories, draw rather largely on the credulity of the audience. We +were sitting in the rickyard talking comfortably about laying and +cackling and kindred matters when he took his pipe from his mouth +and told us the following tale--not a bad one if you can translate +the dialect:- + +'Aw were once towd as, if yo' could only get th' hen's egg away +afooar she hed sin it, th' hen 'ud think it hed med a mistek an' +sit deawn ageean an' lay another. + +'An' it seemed to me it were a varra sensible way o' lukkin' at it. +Sooa aw set to wark to mek a nest as 'ud tek a rise eawt o' th' +hens. An' aw dud it too. Aw med a nest wi' a fause bottom, th' +idea bein' as when a hen hed laid, th' egg 'ud drop through into a +box underneyth. + +'Aw felt varra preawd o' that nest, too, aw con tell yo', an' aw +remember aw felt quite excited when aw see an awd black Minorca, +th' best layer as aw hed, gooa an' settle hersel deawn i' th' nest +an' get ready for wark. Th' hen seemed quite comfortable enough, +aw were glad to see, an' geet through th' operation beawt ony +seemin' trouble. + +"Well, aw darsay yo' know heaw a hen carries on as soon as it's +laid a egg. It starts "chuckin'" away like a showman's racket, an' +after tekkin' a good Ink at th' egg to see whether it's a big 'un +or a little 'un, gooas eawt an' tells all t'other hens abeawt it. + +"Neaw, this black Minorca, as aw sed, were a owdish bird, an' maybe +knew mooar than aw thowt. Happen it hed laid on a nest wi' a fause +bottom afooar, an' were up to th' trick, but whether or not, aw +never see a hen luk mooar disgusted i' mi life when it lukked i' +th' nest an' see as it hed hed all that trouble fer nowt. + +"It woked reawnd th' nest as if it couldn't believe its own eyes. + +"But it dudn't do as aw expected. Aw expected as it 'ud sit deawn +ageean an' lay another. + +"But it just gi'e one wonderin' sooart o' chuck, an then, after a +long stare reawnd th' hen-coyt, it woked eawt, as mad a hen as +aw've ever sin. Aw fun' eawt after, what th' long stare meant. It +were tekkin' farewell! For if yo'll believe me that hen never laid +another egg i' ony o' my nests. + +"Varra like it laid away in a spot wheear it could hev summat to +luk at when it hed done wark for th' day. + +"Sooa aw lost mi best layer through mi actin', an' aw've never +invented owt sen." + + + +CHAPTER VI + + + +One learns to be modest by living on a poultry farm, for there are +constant expositions of the most deplorable vanity among the cocks. +We have a couple of pea-fowl who certainly are an addition to the +landscape, as they step mincingly along the square of turf we +dignify by the name of lawn. The head of the house has a most +languid and self-conscious strut, and his microscopic mind is fixed +entirely on his splendid trailing tail. If I could only master his +language sufficiently to tell him how hideously ugly the back view +of this gorgeous fan is, when he spreads it for the edification of +the observer in front of him, he would of course retort that there +is a "congregation side" to everything, but I should at least force +him into a defence of his tail and a confession of its limitations. +This would be new and unpleasant, I fancy; and if it produced no +perceptible effect upon his super-arrogant demeanour, I might +remind him that he is likely to be used, eventually, for a feather +duster, unless, indeed, the Heavens are superstitious and prefer to +throw his tail away, rather than bring ill luck and the evil eye +into the house. + +The longer I study the cock, whether Black Spanish, White Leghorn, +Dorking, or the common barnyard fowl, the more intimately I am +acquainted with him, the less I am impressed with his character. +He has more pride of bearing, and less to be proud of, than any +bird I know. He is indolent, though he struts pompously over the +grass as if the day were all too short for his onerous duties. He +calls the hens about him when I throw corn from the basket, but +many a time I have seen him swallow hurriedly, and in private, some +dainty titbit he has found unexpectedly. He has no particular +chivalry. He gives no special encouragement to his hen when he +becomes a prospective father, and renders little assistance when +the responsibilities become actualities. His only personal message +or contribution to the world is his raucous cock-a-doodle-doo, +which, being uttered most frequently at dawn, is the most ill-timed +and offensive of all musical notes. It is so unnecessary too, as +if the day didn't come soon enough without his warning; but I +suppose he is anxious to waken his hens and get them at their daily +task, and so he disturbs the entire community. In short, I dislike +him; his swagger, his autocratic strut, his greed, his irritating +self-consciousness, his endless parading of himself up and down in +a procession of one. + +Of course his character is largely the result of polygamy. His +weaknesses are only what might be expected; and as for the hens, I +have considerable respect for the patience, sobriety, and dignity +with which they endure an institution particularly offensive to all +women. In their case they do not even have the sustaining thought +of its being an article of religion, so they are to be complimented +the more. + +There is nothing on earth so feminine as a hen--not womanly, simply +feminine. Those men of insight who write the Woman's Page in the +Sunday newspapers study hens more than women, I sometimes think; at +any rate, their favourite types are all present on this poultry +farm. + +Some families of White Leghorns spend most of their time in the +rickyard, where they look extremely pretty, their slender white +shapes and red combs and wattles well set off by the background of +golden hayricks. There is a great oak-tree in one corner, with a +tall ladder leaning against its trunk, and a capital roosting-place +on a long branch running at right angles with the ladder. I try to +spend a quarter of an hour there every night before supper, just +for the pleasure of seeing the feathered "women-folks" mount that +ladder. + +A dozen of them surround the foot, waiting restlessly for their +turn. One little white lady flutters up on the lowest round and +perches there until she reviews the past, faces the present, and +forecasts the future; during which time she is gathering courage +for the next jump. She cackles, takes up one foot and then the +other, tilts back and forth, holds up her skirts and drops them +again, cocks her head nervously to see whether they are all staring +at her below, gives half a dozen preliminary springs which mean +nothing, declares she can't and won't go up any faster, unties her +bonnet strings and pushes back her hair, pulls down her dress to +cover her toes, and finally alights on the next round, swaying to +and fro until she gains her equilibrium, when she proceeds to enact +the same scene over again. + +All this time the hens at the foot of the ladder are criticising +her methods and exclaiming at the length of time she requires in +mounting; while the cocks stroll about the yard keeping one eye on +the ladder, picking up a seed here and there, and giving a +masculine sneer now and then at the too-familiar scene. They +approach the party at intervals, but only to remark that it always +makes a man laugh to see a woman go up a ladder. The next hen, +stirred to the depths by this speech, flies up entirely too fast, +loses her head, tumbles off the top round, and has to make the +ascent over again. Thus it goes on and on, this petite comedie +humaine, and I could enjoy it with my whole heart if Mr. Heaven did +not insist on sharing the spectacle with me. He is so +inexpressibly dull, so destitute of humour, that I did not think it +likely he would see in the performance anything more than a flock +of hens going up a ladder to roost. But he did; for there is no +man so blind that he cannot see the follies of women; and, when he +forgot himself so far as to utter a few genial, silly, well-worn +reflections upon femininity at large, I turned upon him and +revealed to him some of the characteristics of his own sex, gained +from an exhaustive study of the barnyard fowl of the masculine +gender. He went into the house discomfited, though chuckling a +little at my vehemence; but at least I have made it for ever +impossible for him to watch his hens without an occasional glance +at the cocks. + + + +CHAPTER VII + + + +July 12th. + +O the pathos of a poultry farm! Catherine of Aragon, the black +Spanish hen that stole her nest, brought out nine chicks this +morning, and the business-like and marble-hearted Phoebe has taken +them away and given them to another hen who has only seven. Two +mothers cannot be wasted on these small families--it would not be +profitable; and the older mother, having been tried and found +faithful over seven, has been given the other nine and accepted +them. What of the bereft one? She is miserable and stands about +moping and forlorn, but it is no use fighting against the +inevitable; hens' hearts must obey the same laws that govern the +rotation of crops. Catherine of Aragon feels her lot a bitter one +just now, but in time she will succumb, and lay, which is more to +the point. + +We have had a very busy evening, beginning with the rats' supper-- +delicate sandwiches of bread-and-butter spread with Paris green. + +We have a new brood of seventeen ducklings just hatched this +afternoon. When we came to the nest the yellow and brown bunches +of down and fluff were peeping out from under the hen's wings in +the prettiest fashion in the world. + +"It's a noble hen!" I said to Phoebe. + +"She ain't so nowble as she looks," Phoebe answered grimly. "It +was another 'en that brooded these eggs for near on three weeks and +then this big one come along with a fancy she'd like a family +'erself if she could steal one without too much trouble; so she +drove the rightful 'en off the nest, finished up the last few days, +and 'ere she is in possession of the ducklings!" + +"Why don't you take them away from her and give them back to the +first hen, who did most of the work?" I asked, with some spirit. + +"Like as not she wouldn't tyke them now," said Phoebe, as she +lifted the hen off the broken egg-shells and moved her gently into +a clean box, on a bed of fresh hay. We put food and drink within +reach of the family, and very proud and handsome that highway +robber of a hen looked, as she stretched her wings over the +seventeen easily-earned ducklings. + +Going back to the old nesting-box, I found one egg forgotten among +the shells. It was still warm, and I took it up to run across the +field with it to Phoebe. It was heavy, and the carrying of it was +a queer sensation, inasmuch as it squirmed and "yipped" +vociferously in transit, threatening so unmistakably to hatch in my +hand that I was decidedly nervous. The intrepid little youngster +burst his shell as he touched Phoebe's apron, and has become the +strongest and handsomest of the brood. + +All this tending of downy young things, this feeding and putting to +bed, this petting and nursing and rearing, is such pretty, +comforting woman's work. I am sure Phoebe will make a better wife +to the carrier for having been a poultry-maid, and though good +enough for most practical purposes when I came here, I am an +infinitely better woman now. I am afraid I was not particularly +nice the last few days at the Hydro. Such a lot of dull, prosy, +inquisitive, bothering old tabbies! Aunt Margaret furnishing +imaginary symptoms enough to keep a fond husband and two trained +nurses distracted; a man I had never encouraged in my life coming +to stay in the neighbourhood and turning up daily for rejection; +another man taking rooms at the very hotel with the avowed purpose +of making my life a burden; and on the heels of both, a widow of +thirty-five in full chase! Small wonder I thought it more +dignified to retire than to compete, and so I did. + +I need not, however, have cut the threads that bound me to +Oxenbridge with such particularly sharp scissors, nor given them +such a vicious snap; for, so far as I can observe, the little world +of which I imagined myself the sun continues to revolve, and, +probably, about some other centre. I can well imagine who has +taken up that delightful but somewhat exposed and responsible +position--it would be just like her! + +I am perfectly happy where I am; it is not that; but it seems so +strange that they can be perfectly happy without me, after all that +they--after all that was said on the subject not many days ago. +Nothing turns out as one expects. There have been no hot pursuits, +no rewards offered, no bills posted, no printed placards issued +describing the beauty and charms of a young person who supposed +herself the cynosure of every eye. Heigh-ho! What does it matter, +after all? One can always be a Goose Girl! + +* * * + +I wonder if the hen mother is quite, quite satisfied with her +ducklings! Do you suppose the fact of hatching and brooding them +breaks down all the sense of difference? Does she not sometimes +reflect that if her children were the ordinary sort, and not these +changelings, she would be enjoying certain pretty little attentions +dear to a mother's heart? The chicks would be pecking the food off +her broad beak with their tiny ones, and jumping on her back to +slide down her glossy feathers. They would be far nicer to cuddle, +too, so small and graceful and light; the changelings are a trifle +solid and brawny. And personally, just as a matter of taste, would +she not prefer wee, round, glancing heads, and pointed beaks, +peeping from under her wings, to these teaspoon-shaped things +larger than her own? I wonder! + +We are training fourteen large young chickens to sit on the perches +in their new house, instead of huddling together on the floor as +has been their habit, because we discover rat-holes under the wire +flooring occasionally, and fear that toes may be bitten. At nine +o'clock Phoebe and I lift the chickens one by one, and, as it were, +glue them to their perches, squawking. Three nights have we gone +patiently through with this performance, but they have not learned +the lesson. The ducks and geese are, however, greatly improved by +the application of advanced educational methods, and the regime of +perfect order and system instituted by Me begins to show results. + +There is no more violent splashing and pebbling, racing, chasing, +separating. The pole, indeed, still has to be produced, but at the +first majestic wave of my hand they scuttle toward the shore. The +geese turn to the right, cross the rickyard, and go to their pen; +the May ducks turn to the left for their coops, the June ducks +follow the hens to the top meadow, and even the idiot gosling has +an inspiration now and then and stumbles on his own habitation. + +Mrs. Heaven has no reverence for the principles of Comenius, +Pestalozzi, or Herbert Spencer as applied to poultry, and when the +ducks and geese came out of the pond badly the other night and went +waddling and tumbling and hissing all over creation, did not +approve of my sending them back into the pond to start afresh. + +"I consider it a great waste of time, of good time, miss," she +said; "and, after all, do you consider that educated poultry will +be any better eating, or that it will lay more than one egg a day, +miss?" + +I have given the matter some attention, and I fear Mrs. Heaven is +right. A duck, a goose, or a hen in which I have developed a +larger brain, implanted a sense of duty, or instilled an idea of +self-government, is likely, on the whole, to be leaner, not fatter. +There is nothing like obeying the voice of conscience for taking +the flesh off one's bones; and, speaking of conscience, Phoebe, +whose metaphysics are of the farm farmy, says that hers "felt like +a hunlaid hegg for dyes" after she had jilted the postman. + +As to the eggs, I am sure the birds will go on laying one a day for +'tis their nature to. Whether the product of the intelligent, +conscious, logical fowl, will be as rich in quality as that of the +uneducated and barbaric bird, I cannot say; but it ought at least +to be equal to the Denmark egg eaten now by all Londoners; and if, +perchance, left uneaten, it is certain to be a very superior wife +and mother. + +While we are discussing the subject of educating poultry, I confess +that the case of Cannibal Ann gives me much anxiety. Twice in her +short career has she been under suspicion of eating her own eggs, +but Phoebe has never succeeded in catching her in flagrante +delicto. That eminent detective service was reserved for me, and I +have been haunted by the picture ever since. It is an awful sight +to witness a hen gulp her own newly-laid fresh egg, yolk, white, +shell, and all; to realise that you have fed, sheltered, chased, +and occasionally run in, a being possessed of no moral sense, a +being likely to set a bad example, inculcate vicious habits among +her innocent sisters, and lower the standard of an entire poultry- +yard. The Young Poultry Keeper's Friend gives us no advice on this +topic, and we do not know whether to treat Cannibal Ann as the +victim of a disease, or as a confirmed criminal; whether to +administer remedies or cut her off in the flower of her youth. + +We have had a sad scene to-night. A chick has been ailing all day, +and when we shut up the brood we found him dead in a corner. + +Phoebe put him on the ground while she busied herself about the +coop. The other chicks came out and walked about the dead one +again and again, eyeing him curiously. + +"Poor little chap!" said Phoebe. "E's never 'ad a mother! 'E was +an incubytor chicken, and wherever I took 'im 'e was picked at. +There was somethink wrong with 'im; 'e never was a fyvorite!" + +I put the fluffy body into a hole in the turf, and strewed a +handful of grass over him. "Sad little epitaph!" I thought. "He +never was a fyvorite!" + + + +CHAPTER VIII + + + +July 13th. + +I like to watch the Belgian hares eating their trifolium or pea- +pods or grass; graceful, gentle things they are, crowding about Mr. +Heaven, and standing prettily, not greedily, on their hind legs, to +reach for the clover, their delicate nostrils and whiskers all a- +quiver with excitement. + +As I look out of my window in the dusk I can see one of the mothers +galloping across the enclosure, the soft white lining of her tail +acting as a beacon-light to the eight infant hares following her, a +quaint procession of eight white spots in it glancing line. In the +darkest night those baby creatures could follow their mother +through grass or hedge or thicket, and she would need no warning +note to show them where to flee in case of danger. "All you have +to do is to follow the white night-light that I keep in the lining +of my tail," she says, when she is giving her first maternal +lectures; and it seems a beneficent provision of Nature. To be +sure, Mr. Heaven took his gun and went out to shoot wild rabbits +to-day, and I noted that he marked them by those same self- +betraying tails, as they scuttled toward their holes or leaped +toward the protecting cover of the hedge; so it does not appear +whether Nature is on the side of the farmer or the rabbit . . . + +There is as much comedy and as much tragedy in poultry life as +anywhere, and already I see rifts within lutes. We have in a cage +a French gentleman partridge married to a Hungarian lady of +defective sight. He paces back and forth in the pen restlessly, +anything but content with the domestic fireside. One can see +plainly that he is devoted to the Boulevards, and that if left to +his own inclinations he would never have chosen any spouse but a +thorough Parisienne. + +The Hungarian lady is blind of one eye, from some stray shot, I +suppose. She is melancholy at all times, and occasionally goes so +far as to beat her head against the wire netting. If liberated, +Mr. Heaven says that her blindness would only expose her to death +at the hands of the first sportsman, and it always seems to me as +if she knows this, and is ever trying to decide whether a loveless +marriage is any better than the tomb. + +Then, again, the great, grey gander is, for some mysterious reason, +out of favour with the entire family. He is a noble and amiable +bird, by far the best all-round character in the flock, for dignity +of mien and large-minded common-sense. What is the treatment +vouchsafed to this blameless husband and father? One that puts +anybody out of sorts with virtue and its scant rewards. To begin +with, the others will not allow him to go into the pond. There is +an organised cabal against it, and he sits solitary on the bank, +calm and resigned, but, naturally, a trifle hurt. His favourite +retreat is a tiny sort of island on the edge of the pool under the +alders, where with his bent head, and red-rimmed philosophic eyes +he regards his own breast and dreams of happier days. When the +others walk into the country twenty-three of them keep together, +and Burd Alane (as I have named him from the old ballad) walks by +himself. The lack of harmony is so evident here, and the slight so +intentional and direct, that it almost moves me to tears. The +others walk soberly, always in couples, but even Burd Alane's +rightful spouse is on the side of the majority, and avoids her +consort. + +What is the nature of his offence? There can be no connubial +jealousies, I judge, as geese are strictly monogamous, and having +chosen a partner of their joys and sorrows they cleave to each +other until death or some other inexorable circumstance does them +part. If they are ever mistaken in their choice, and think they +might have done better, the world is none the wiser. Burd Alane +looks in good condition, but Phoebe thinks he is not quite himself, +and that some day when he is in greater strength he will turn on +his foes and rend them, regaining thus his lost prestige, for +formerly he was king of the flock. + +* * * + +Phoebe has not a vestige of sentiment. She just asked me if I +would have a duckling or a gosling for dinner; that there were two +quite ready--the brown and yellow duckling, that is the last to +leave the water at night, and the white gosling that never knows +his own 'ouse. Which would I 'ave, and would I 'ave it with sage +and onion? + +Now, had I found a duckling on the table at dinner I should have +eaten it without thinking at all, or with the thought that it had +come from Barbury Green. But eat a duckling that I have stoned out +of the pond, pursued up the bank, chased behind the wire netting, +caught, screaming, in a corner, and carried struggling to his bed? +Feed upon an idiot gosling that I have found in nine different +coops on nine successive nights--in with the newly-hatched chicks, +the half-grown pullets, the setting hen, the "invaleed goose," the +drake with the gapes, the old ducks in the pen?--Eat a gosling that +I have caught and put in with his brothers and sisters (whom he +never recognises) so frequently and regularly that I am familiar +with every joint in his body? + +In the first place, with my own small bump of locality and lack of +geography, I would never willingly consume a creature who might, by +some strange process of assimilation, make me worse in this +respect; in the second place, I should have to be ravenous indeed +to sit down deliberately and make a meal of an intimate friend, no +matter if I had not a high opinion of his intelligence. I should +as soon think of eating the Square Baby, stuffed with sage and +onion and garnished with green apple-sauce, as the yellow duckling +or the idiot gosling. + +Mrs. Heaven has just called me into her sitting-room, ostensibly to +ask me to order breakfast, but really for the pleasure of +conversation. Why she should inquire whether I would relish some +gammon of bacon with eggs, when she knows that there has not been, +is not now, and never will be, anything but gammon of bacon with +eggs, is more than I can explain. + +"Would you like to see my flowers, miss?" she asks, folding her +plump hands over her white apron. "They are looking beautiful this +morning. I am so fond of potted plants, of plants in pots. Look +at these geraniums! Now, I consider that pink one a perfect bloom; +yes, a perfect bloom. This is a fine red one, is it not, miss? +Especially fine, don't you think? The trouble with the red variety +is that they're apt to get "bobby" and have to be washed regularly; +quite bobby they do get indeed, I assure you. That white one has +just gone out of blossom, and it was really wonderful. You could +'ardly have told it from a paper flower, miss, not from a white +paper flower. My plants are my children nowadays, since Albert +Edward is my only care. I have been the mother of eleven children, +miss, all of them living, so far as I know; I know nothing to the +contrary. I 'ope you are not wearying of this solitary place, +miss? It will grow upon you, I am sure, as it did upon Mrs. +Pollock, with all her peculiar fancies, and as it 'as grown upon +us.--We formerly had a butcher's shop in Buffington, and it was +naturally a great responsibility. Mr. Heaven's nerves are not +strong, and at last he wanted a life of more quietude, more +quietude was what he craved. The life of a retail butcher is a +most exciting and wearying one. Nobody satisfied with their meat; +as if it mattered in a world of change! Everybody complaining of +too much bone or too little fat; nobody wishing tough chops or +cutlets, but always seeking after fine joints, when it's against +reason and nature that all joints should be juicy and all cutlets +tender; always complaining if livers are not sent with every fowl, +always asking you to remember the trimmin's, always wanting their +beef well 'ung, and then if you 'ang it a minute too long, it's +left on your 'ands! I often used to say to Mr. Heaven, yes many's +the time I've said it, that if people would think more of the great +'ereafter and less about their own little stomachs, it would be a +deal better for them, yes, a deal better, and make it much more +comfortable for the butchers!" + +* * * + +Burd Alane has had a good quarter of an hour to-day. + +His spouse took a brief promenade with him. To be sure, it was +during an absence of the flock on the other side of the hedge so +that the moral effect of her spasm of wifely loyalty was quite lost +upon them. I strongly suspect that she would not have granted +anything but a secret interview. What a petty, weak, ignoble +character! I really don't like to think so badly of any fellow- +creature as I am forced to think of that politic, time-serving, +pusillanimous goose. I believe she laid the egg that produced the +idiot gosling! + + + +CHAPTER IX + + + +Here follows the true story of Sir Muscovy Drake, the Lady Blanche, +and Miss Malardina Crippletoes. + +Phoebe's flock consisted at first mostly of Brown Mallards, but a +friend gave her a sitting of eggs warranted to produce a most +beautiful variety of white ducks. They were hatched in due time, +but proved hard to raise, till at length there was only one +survivor, of such uncommon grace and beauty that we called her the +Lady Blanche. Presently a neighbour sold Phoebe his favourite +Muscovy drake, and these two splendid creatures by "natural +selection" disdained to notice the rest of the flock, but forming a +close friendship, wandered in the pleasant paths of duckdom +together, swimming and eating quite apart from the others. + +In the brown flock there was one unfortunate, misshapen from the +egg, quite lame, and with no smoothness of plumage; but on that +very account, apparently, or because she was too weak to resist +them, the others treated her cruelly, biting her and pushing her +away from the food. + +One day it happened that the two ducks--Sir Muscovy and Lady +Blanche--had come up from the water before the others, and having +taken their repast were sitting together under the shade of a +flowering currant-bush, when they chanced to see poor Miss +Crippletoes very badly used and crowded away from the dish. Sir +Muscovy rose to his feet; a few rapid words seemed to pass between +him and his mate, and then he fell upon the other drake and the +heartless minions who had persecuted the helpless one, drove them +far away out of sight, and, returning, went to the corner where the +victim was cowering, her face to the wall. He seemed to whisper to +her, or in some way to convey to her a sense of protection; for +after a few moments she tremblingly went with him to the dish, and +hurriedly ate her dinner while he stood by, repulsing the advances +of the few brown ducks who remained near and seemed inclined to +attack her. + +When she had eaten enough Lady Blanche joined them, and they went +down the hill together to their favourite swimming-place. After +that Miss Crippletoes always followed a little behind her +protectors, and thus shielded and fed she grew stronger and well- +feathered, though she was always smaller than she should have been +and had a lowly manner, keeping a few steps in the rear of her +superiors and sitting at some distance from their noon resting- +place. + +Phoebe noticed after a while that Lady Blanche was seldom to be +seen, and Sir Muscovy and Miss Crippletoes often came to their +meals without her. The would-be mother refused to inhabit the +house Phoebe had given her, and for a long time the place she had +chosen for her sitting could not be found. At length the Square +Baby discovered her in a most ideal spot. A large boulder had +dropped years ago into the brook that fills our duck-pond; dropped +and split in halves with the two smooth walls leaning away from +each other. A grassy bank towered behind, and on either side of +the opening, tall bushes made a miniature forest where the romantic +mother could brood her treasures while her two guardians enjoyed +the water close by her retreat. + +All this happened before my coming to Thornycroft Farm, but it was +I who named the hero and heroines of the romance when Phoebe had +told me all the particulars. Yesterday morning I was sitting by my +open window. It was warm, sunny, and still, but in the country +sounds travel far, and I could hear fowl conversation in various +parts of the poultry-yard as well as in all the outlying bits of +territory occupied by our feathered friends. Hens have only three +words and a scream in their language, but ducks, having more +thoughts to express, converse quite fluently, so fluently, in fact, +that it reminds me of dinner at the Hydropathic Hotel. I fancy I +have learned to distinguish seven separate sounds, each varied by +degrees of intensity, and with upward or downward inflections like +the Chinese tongue. + +In the distance, then, I heard the faint voice of a duck calling as +if breathless and excited. While I wondered what was happening, I +saw Miss Crippletoes struggling up the steep bank above the duck- +pond. It was the quickest way from the water to the house, but +difficult for the little lame webbed feet. When she reached the +level grass sward she sank down a moment, exhausted; but when she +could speak again she cried out, a sharp staccato call, and ran +forward. + +Instantly she was answered from a distant knoll, where for some +reason Sir Muscovy loved to retire for meditation. The cries grew +lower and softer as the birds approached each other, and they met +at the corner just under my window. Instantly they put their two +bills together and the loud cries changed to confiding murmurs. +Evidently some hurried questions and answers passed between them, +and then Sir Muscovy waddled rapidly by the quickest path, Miss +Crippletoes following him at a slower pace, and both passed out of +sight, using their wings to help their feet down the steep +declivity. The next morning, when I wakened early, my first +thought was to look out, and there on the sunny greensward where +they were accustomed to be fed, Sir Muscovy, Lady Blanche, and +their humble maid, Malardina Crippletoes, were scattering their own +breakfast before the bills of twelve beautiful golden balls of +ducklings. The little creatures could never have climbed the bank, +but must have started from their nest at dawn, coming round by the +brook to the level at the foot of the garden, and so by slow +degrees up to the house. + +Judging from what I heard and knew of their habits, I am sure the +excitement of the previous morning was occasioned by the hatching +of the eggs, and that Lady Blanche had hastily sent her friend to +call Sir Muscovy, the family remaining together until they could +bring the babies with them and display their beauty to Phoebe and +me. + + + +CHAPTER X + + + +July 14th. + +We are not wholly without the pleasures of the town in Barbury +Green. Once or twice in a summer, late on a Saturday afternoon, a +procession of red and yellow vans drives into a field near the +centre of the village. By the time the vans are unpacked all the +children in the community are surrounding the gate of entrance. +There is rifle-shooting, there is fortune-telling, there are games +of pitch and toss, and swings, and French bagatelle; and, to crown +all, a wonderful orchestrion that goes by steam. The water is +boiled for the public's tea, and at the same time thrilling strains +of melody are flung into the air. There is at present only one +tune in the orchestrion's repertory, but it is a very good tune; +though after hearing it three hundred and seven times in a single +afternoon, it pursues one, sleeping and waking, for the next week. +Phoebe and I took the Square Baby and went in to this diversified +entertainment. There was a small crowd of children at the +entrance, but as none of them seemed to be provided with pennies, +and I felt in a fairy godmother mood, I offered them the freedom of +the place at my expense. + +I never purchased more radiant good-will for less money, but the +combined effect of the well-boiled tea and the boiling orchestrion +produced many village nightmares, so the mothers told me at chapel +next morning. + +* * * + +I have many friends in Barbury Green, and often have a pleasant +chat with the draper, and the watch-maker, and the chemist. + +The last house on the principal street is rather an ugly one, with +especially nice window curtains. As I was taking my daily walk to +the post-office (an entirely unfruitful expedition thus far, as +nobody has taken the pains to write to me) I saw a nursemaid coming +out of the gate, wheeling a baby in a perambulator. She was going +placidly away from the Green when, far in the distance, she espied +a man walking rapidly toward us, a heavy Gladstone bag in one hand. +She gazed fixedly for a moment, her eyes brightening and her cheeks +flushing with pleasure,--whoever it was, it was an unexpected +arrival;--then she retraced her steps and, running up the garden- +path, opened the front door and held an excited colloquy with +somebody; a slender somebody in a nice print gown and neatly- +dressed hair, who came to the gate and peeped beyond the hedge +several times, drawing back between peeps with smiles and +heightened colour. She did not run down the road, even when she +had satisfied herself of the identity of the traveller; perhaps +that would not have been good form in an English village, for there +were houses on the opposite side of the way. She waited until he +opened the gate, the nursemaid took the bag and looked discreetly +into the hedge, then the mistress slipped her hand through the +traveller's arm and walked up the path as if she had nothing else +in the world to wish for. The nurse had a part in the joy, for she +lifted the baby out of the perambulator and showed proudly how much +he had grown. + +It was a dear little scene, and I, a passer-by, had shared in it +and felt better for it. I think their content was no less because +part of it had enriched my life, for happiness, like mercy, is +twice blessed; it blesses those who are most intimately associated +in it, and it blesses all those who see it, hear it, feel it, touch +it, or breathe the same atmosphere. A laughing, crowing baby in a +house, one cheerful woman singing about her work, a boy whistling +at the plough, a romance just suspected, with its miracle of two +hearts melting into one--the wind's always in the west when you +have any of these wonder-workers in your neighbourhood. + +I have talks too, sometimes, with the old parson, who lives in a +quaint house with "Parva Domus Magna Quies" cut into the stone over +the doorway. He is not a preaching parson, but a retired one, +almost the nicest kind, I often think. + +He has been married thirty years, he tells me; thirty years, spent +in the one little house with the bricks painted red and grey +alternately, and the scarlet holly-hocks growing under the windows. +I am sure they have been sweet, true, kind years, and that his +heart must be a quiet, peaceful place just like his house and +garden. + +"I was only eleven years old when I fell in love with my wife," he +told me as we sat on the seat under the lime-tree; he puffing +cosily at his pipe, I plaiting grasses for a hatband. + +"It was just before Sunday-school. Her mother had dressed her all +in white muslin like a fairy, but she had stepped on the edge of a +puddle, and some of the muddy water had bespattered her frock. A +circle of children had surrounded her, and some of the motherly +little girls were on their knees rubbing at the spots anxiously, +while one of them wiped away the tears that were running down her +pretty cheeks. I looked! It was fatal! I did not look again, but +I was smitten to the very heart! I did not speak to her for six +years, but when I did, it was all right with both of us, thank God! +and I've been in love with her ever since, when she behaves +herself!" + +That is the way they speak of love in Barbury Green, and oh! how +much sweeter and more wholesome it is than the language of the +town! Who would not be a Goose Girl, "to win the secret of the +weed's plain heart"? It seems to me that in society we are always +gazing at magic-lantern shows, but here we rest our tired eyes with +looking at the stars. + + + +CHAPTER XI + + + +July 16th. + +Phoebe and I have been to a Hen Conference at Buffington. It was +for the purpose of raising the standard of the British Hen, and our +local Countess, who is much interested in poultry, was in the +chair. + +It was a very learned body, but Phoebe had coached me so well that +at the noon recess I could talk confidently with the members, +discussing the various advantages of True and Crossed Minorcas, +Feverels, Andalusians, Cochin Chinas, Shanghais, and the White +Leghorn. (Phoebe, when she pronounces this word, leaves out the +"h" and bears down heavily on the last syllable, so that it rhymes +with begone!) + +As I was sitting under the trees waiting for Phoebe to finish some +shopping in the village, a travelling poultry-dealer came along and +offered to sell me a silver Wyandotte pullet and cockerel. This +was a new breed to me and I asked the price, which proved to be +more than I should pay for a hat in Bond Street. I hesitated, +thinking meantime what a delightful parting gift they would be for +Phoebe; I mean if we ever should part, which seems more and more +unlikely, as I shall never leave Thornycroft until somebody comes +properly to fetch me; indeed, unless the "fetching" is done +somewhat speedily I may decline to go under any circumstances. My +indecision as to the purchase was finally banished when the +poultryman asserted that the fowls had clear open centres all over, +black lacing entirely round the white centres, were free from white +edging, and each had a cherry-red eye. This catalogue of charms +inflamed my imagination, though it gave me no mental picture of a +silver Wyandotte fowl, and I paid the money while the dealer +crammed the chicks, squawking into my five-o'clock tea-basket. + +The afternoon session of the conference was most exciting, for we +reached the subject of imported eggs, an industry that is assuming +terrifying proportions. The London hotel egg comes from Denmark, +it seems,--I should think by sailing vessel, not steamer, but I may +be wrong. After we had settled that the British Hen should be +protected and encouraged, and agreed solemnly to abstain from +Danish eggs in any form, and made a resolution stating that our +loyalty to Queen Alexandra would remain undiminished, we argued the +subject of hen diet. There was a great difference of opinion here +and the discussion was heated; the honorary treasurer standing for +pulped mangold and flint grit, the chair insisting on barley meal +and randans, while one eloquent young woman declared, to loud cries +of "'Ear, 'ear!" that rice pudding and bone chips produce more eggs +to the square hen than any other sort of food. Impassioned orators +arose here and there in the audience demanding recognition for beef +scraps, charcoal, round corn or buckwheat. Foods were regarded +from various standpoints: as general invigorators, growth +assisters, and egg producers. A very handsome young farmer carried +off final honours, and proved to the satisfaction of all the +feminine poultry-raisers that green young hog bones fresh cut in +the Banner Bone Breaker (of which he was the agent) possessed a +nutritive value not to be expressed in human language. + +Phoebe was distinctly nervous when I rose to say a few words on +poultry breeding, announcing as my topic "Mothers, Stepmothers, +Foster-Mothers, and Incubators." Protected by the consciousness +that no one in the assemblage could possibly know me, I made a +distinct success in my maiden speech; indeed, I somewhat overshot +the mark, for the Countess in the chair sent me a note asking me to +dine with her that evening. I suppressed the note and took Phoebe +away before the proceedings were finished, vanishing from the scene +of my triumphs like a veiled prophet. + +Just as we were passing out the door we paused to hear the report +of a special committee whose chairman read the following +resolutions:- + +WHEREAS,--It has pleased the Almighty to remove from our midst our +greatest Rose Comb Buff Orpington fancier and esteemed friend, +Albert Edward Sheridain; therefore be it + +RESOLVED,--That the next edition of our catalogue contain an +illustrated memorial page in his honour and + +RESOLVED,--That the Rose Comb Buff Orpington Club extend to the +bereaved family their heartfelt sympathy. + +The handsome young farmer followed us out to our trap, invited us +to attend the next meeting of the R. C. B. O. Club, of which he was +the secretary, and asked if I were intending to "show." I +introduced Phoebe as the senior partner, and she concealed the fact +that we possessed but one Buff Orpington, and he was a sad +"invaleed" not suitable for exhibition. The farmer's expression as +he looked at me was almost lover-like, and when he pressed a bit of +paper into my hand I was sure it must be an offer of marriage. It +was in fact only a circular describing the Banner Bone Breaker. It +closed with an appeal to Buff Orpington breeders to raise and ever +raise the standard, bidding them remember, in the midst of a low- +minded and sordid civilisation, that the rose comb should be small +and neat, firmly set on, with good working, a nice spike at the +back lying well down to head, and never, under any circumstances, +never sticking up. This adjuration somewhat alarmed us as Phoebe +and I had been giving our Buff Orpington cockerel the most drastic +remedies for his languid and prostrate comb. + +Coming home we alighted from the trap to gather hogweed for the +rabbits. I sat by the wayside lazily and let Phoebe gather the +appetising weed, which grows along the thorniest hedges in close +proximity to nettles and thistles. + +Workmen were trudging along with their luncheon-baskets of woven +bulrushes slung over their shoulders. Fields of ripening grain lay +on either hand, the sun shining on their every shade of green and +yellow, bronze and orange, while the breeze stirred the bearded +barley into a rippling golden sea. + +Phoebe asked me if the people I had left behind at the Hydropathic +were my relatives. + +"Some of them are of remote consanguinity," I responded evasively, +and the next question was hushed upon her awe-stricken tongue, as I +intended. + +"They are obeying my wish to be let alone, there's no doubt of +that," I was thinking. "For my part, I like a little more spirit, +and a little less "letter"!" + +As the word "letter" flitted through my thoughts, I pulled one from +my pocket and glanced through it carelessly. It arrived, somewhat +tardily, only last night, or I should not have had it with me. I +wore the same dress to the post-office yesterday that I wore to the +Hen Conference to-day, and so it chanced to be still in the pocket. +If it had been anything I valued, of course I should have lost or +destroyed it by mistake; it is only silly, worthless little things +like this that keep turning up and turning up after one has +forgotten their existence. + + +"You are a mystery!" [it ran.] "I can apprehend, but not +comprehend you. I know you in part. I understand various bits of +your nature; but my knowledge is always fragmentary and +disconnected, and when I attempt to make a whole of the mosaics I +merely get a kaleidoscopic effect. Do you know those geographical +dissected puzzles that they give to children? You remind me of one +of them. + +"I have spent many charming (and dangerous) hours trying to "put +you together"; but I find, when I examine my picture closely, that +after all I've made a purple mountain grow out of a green tree; +that my river is running up a steep hillside; and that the pretty +milkmaid, who should be wandering in the forest, is standing on her +head with her pail in the air + +"Do you understand yourself clearly? Or is it just possible that +when you dive to the depths of your own consciousness, you +sometimes find the pretty milkmaid standing on her head? I +wonder!" . . . + + +Ah, well, it is no wonder that he wonders! So do I, for that +matter! + + + +CHAPTER XII + + + +July 17th. + +Thornycroft Farm seems to be the musical centre of the universe. + +When I wake very early in the morning I lie in a drowsy sort of +dream, trying to disentangle, one from the other, the various bird +notes, trills, coos, croons, chirps, chirrups, and warbles. +Suddenly there falls on the air a delicious, liquid, finished song; +so pure, so mellow, so joyous, that I go to the window and look out +at the morning world, half awakened, like myself. + +There is I know not what charm in a window that does not push up, +but opens its lattices out into the greenness. And mine is like a +little jewelled door, for the sun is shining from behind the +chimneys and lighting the tiny diamond panes with amber flashes. + +A faint delicate haze lies over the meadow, and rising out of it, +and soaring toward the blue is the lark, flinging out that +matchless matin song, so rich, so thrilling, so lavish! As the +blithe melody fades away, I hear the plaintive ballad-fragments of +the robin on a curtsying branch near my window; and there is always +the liquid pipe of the thrush, who must quaff a fairy goblet of dew +between his songs, I should think, so fresh and eternally young is +his note. + +There is another beautiful song that I follow whenever I hear it, +straining my eyes to the treetops, yet never finding a bird that I +can identify as the singer. Can it be the - + + +"Ousel-cock so black of hue, +With orange-tawny bill"? + + +He is called the poet-laureate of the primrose time, but I don't +know whether he sings in midsummer, and I have not seen him +hereabouts. I must write and ask my dear Man of the North. The +Man of the North, I sometimes think, had a Fairy Grandmother who +was a robin; and perhaps she made a nest of fresh moss and put him +in the green wood when he was a wee bairnie, so that he waxed wise +in bird-lore without knowing it. At all events, describe to him +the cock of a head, the glance of an eye, the tip-up of a tail, or +the sheen of a feather, and he will name you the bird. Near- +sighted he is, too, the Man of the North, but that is only for +people. + +The Square Baby and I have a new game. + +I bought a doll's table and china tea-set in Buffington. We put it +under an apple-tree in the side garden, where the scarlet lightning +grows so tall and the Madonna lilies stand so white against the +flaming background. We built a little fence around it, and every +afternoon at tea-time we sprinkle seeds and crumbs in the dishes, +water in the tiny cups, drop a cherry in each of the fruit-plates, +and have a the chantant for the birdies. We sometimes invite an +"invaleed" duckling, or one of the baby rabbits, or the peacock, in +which case the cards read:- + + +Thornycroft Farm. +The pleasure of your company is requested +at a +The Chantant +Under the Apple Tree. +Music at five. + + +It is a charming game, as I say, but I'd far rather play it with +the Man of the North; he is so much younger than the Square Baby, +and so much more responsive, too. + +Thornycroft Farm is a sweet place, too, of odours as well as +sounds. The scent of the hay is for ever in the nostrils, the +hedges are thick with wild honeysuckle, so deliciously fragrant, +the last of the June roses are lingering to do their share, and +blackberry blossoms and ripening fruit as well. + +I have never known a place in which it is so easy to be good. I +have not said a word, nor scarcely harboured a thought, that was +not lovely and virtuous since I entered these gates, and yet there +are those who think me fantastic, difficult, hard to please, +unreasonable! + +I believe the saints must have lived in the country mostly (I am +certain they never tried Hydropathic hotels), and why anybody with +a black heart and natural love of wickedness should not simply buy +a poultry farm and become an angel, I cannot understand. + +Living with animals is really a very improving and wholesome kind +of life, to the person who will allow himself to be influenced by +their sensible and high-minded ideals. When you come to think +about it, man is really the only animal that ever makes a fool of +himself; the others are highly civilised, and never make mistakes. +I am going to mention this when I write to somebody, sometime; I +mean if I ever do. To be sure, our human life is much more +complicated than theirs, and I believe when the other animals +notice our errors of judgment they make allowances. The bee is as +busy as a bee, and the beaver works like a beaver, but there their +responsibility ends. The bee doesn't have to go about seeing that +other bees are not crowded into unsanitary tenements or victimised +by the sweating system. When the beaver's day of toil is over he +doesn't have to discuss the sphere, the rights, or the voting +privileges of beaveresses; all he has to do is to work like a +beaver, and that is comparatively simple. + + + +CHAPTER XIII + + + +I have been studying The Young Poultry Keeper's Friend of late. If +there is anything I dislike and deplore, it is the possession of +knowledge which I cannot put to practical use. Having discovered +an interesting disease called Scaly Leg in the July number, I took +the magazine out into the poultry-yard and identified the malady on +three hens and a cock. Phoebe joined me in the diagnosis and we +treated the victims with a carbolic lotion and scrubbed them with +vaseline. + +As Phoebe and I grow wise in medical lore the case of Cannibal Ann +assumes a different aspect. As the bibulous man quaffs more and +more flagons of beer and wine when his daily food is ham, salt +fish, and cabbage, so does the hen avenge her wrongs of diet and +woes of environment. Cannibal Ann, herself, has, so far as we +know, been raised in a Christian manner and enjoyed all the +advantages of modern methods; but her maternal parent may have +lived in some heathen poultry-yard which was asphalted or bricked +or flagged, so that she was debarred from scratching in Mother +Earth and was forced to eat her own shells in self-defence. + +* * * + +The Square Baby is not particularly attracted by the poultry as a +whole, save when it is boiled with bacon or roasted with bread- +sauce; but he is much interested in the "invaleeds." Whenever +Phoebe and I start for the hospital with the tobacco-pills, the tin +of paraffin, and the bottle of oil, he is very much in evidence. +Perhaps he has a natural leaning toward the medical profession; at +any rate, when pain and anguish wring the brow, he is in close +attendance upon the ministering angels. + +Now it is necessary for the physician to have practice as well as +theory, so the Square Baby, being left to himself this afternoon, +proceeded to perfect himself in some of the healing arts used by +country practitioners. + +When discovered, he was seated in front of the wire-covered "run" +attached to a coop occupied by the youngest goslings. A couple of +bottles and a box stood by his side, and I should think he had +administered a cup of sweet oil, a pint of paraffin, and a quarter +of a pound of tobacco during his clinic. He had used the remedies +impartially, sometimes giving the paraffin internally and rubbing +the patient's head with tobacco or oil, sometimes the reverse. + +Several goslings leaned languidly against the netting, or supported +themselves by the edge of the water-dish, while others staggered +and reeled about with eyes half closed. + +It was Mrs. Heaven who caught her son red-handed, so to speak. She +was dressed in her best, and just driving off to Woodmucket to +spend a day or two with her married daughter, and soothe her nerves +with the uproar incident to a town of six hundred inhabitants. She +delayed her journey a half-hour--long enough, in fact, to change +her black silk waist for a loose sacque which would give her arms +full and comfortable play. The joy and astonishment that greeted +the Square Baby on his advent, five years ago, was forgotten for +the first time in his brief life, and he was treated precisely as +any ordinary wrongdoer would have been treated under the same +circumstances, summarily and smartly; the "wepping," as Phoebe +would say, being Mrs. Heaven's hand. + +All but one of the goslings lived, like thousands of others who +recover in spite of the doctors, but the Square Baby's interest in +the healing art is now perceptibly lessened. + + + +CHAPTER XIV + + + +July 18th. + +The day was Friday; Phoebe's day to go to Buffington with eggs and +chickens and rabbits; her day to solicit orders for ducklings and +goslings. The village cart was ready in the stable; Mr. and Mrs. +Heaven were in Woodmucket; I was eating my breakfast (which I +remember was an egg and a rasher) when Phoebe came in, a figure of +woe. + +The Square Baby was ill, very ill, and would not permit her to +leave him and go to market. Would I look at him? For he must have +dowsed 'imself as well as the goslings yesterday; anyways he was +strong of paraffin and tobacco, though he 'ad 'ad a good barth. + +I prescribed for Albert Edward, who was as uncomfortable and +feverish as any little sinner in the county of Sussex, and I then +promptly proposed going to Buffington in Phoebe's place. + +She did not think it at all proper, and said that, notwithstanding +my cotton gown and sailor hat, I looked quite, quite the lydy, and +it would never do. + +"I cannot get any new orders," said I, "but I can certainly leave +the rabbits and eggs at the customary places. I know Argent's +Dining Parlours, and Songhurst's Tea Rooms, and the Six Bells Inn, +as well as you do." + +So, donning a pair of Phoebe's large white cotton gloves with open- +work wrists (than which I always fancy there is no one article that +so disguises the perfect lydy), I set out upon my travels, upborne +by a lively sense of amusement that was at least equal to my +feeling that I was doing Phoebe Heaven a good turn. + +Prices in dressed poultry were fluctuating, but I had a copy of The +Trade Review, issued that very day, and was able to get some idea +of values and the state of the market as I jogged along. The +general movement, I learned, was moderate and of a "selective" +character. Choice large capons and ducks were in steady demand, +but I blushed for my profession when I read that roasting chickens +were running coarse, staggy, and of irregular value. Old hens were +held firmly at sixpence, and it is my experience that they always +have to be, at whatever price. Geese were plenty, dull, and weak. +Old cocks,--why don't they say roosters?--declined to threepence +ha'penny on Thursday in sympathy with fowls,--and who shall say +that chivalry is dead? Turkeys were a trifle steadier, and there +was a speculative movement in limed eggs. All this was +illuminating, and I only wished I were quite certain whether the +sympathetic old roosters were threepence ha'penny apiece, or a +pound. + +Everything happened as it should, on this first business journey of +my life, which is equivalent to saying that nothing happened at +all. Songhurst's Tea Rooms took five dozen eggs and told me to +bring six dozen the next week. Argent's Dining Parlours purchased +three pairs of chickens and four rabbits. The Six Bells found the +last poultry somewhat tough and tasteless; whereupon I said that +our orders were more than we could possibly fill, still I hoped we +could go on "selling them," as we never liked to part with old +customers, no matter how many new ones there were. Privately, I +understood the complaint only too well, for I knew the fowls in +question very intimately. Two of them were the runaway rooster and +the gadabout hen that never wanted to go to bed with the others. +The third was Cannibal Ann. I should have expected them to be +tough, but I cannot believe they were lacking in flavour. + +The only troublesome feature of the trip was that Mrs. Sowerbutt's +lodgers had suddenly left for London and she was unable to take the +four rabbits as she had hoped; but as an offset to that piece of +ill-fortune the Coke and Coal Yard and the Bicycle Repairing Rooms +came out into the street, and, stepping up to the trap, requested +regular weekly deliveries of eggs and chickens, and hoped that I +would be able to bring them myself. And so, in a happy frame of +mind, I turned out of the Buffington main street, and was jogging +along homeward, when a very startling thing happened; namely, a +whole verse of the Bailiff's Daughter of Islington:- + + +"And as she went along the high road, +The weather being hot and dry, +She sat her down upon a green bank, +And her true love came riding by." + + +That true lovers are given to riding by, in ballads, I know very +well, but I hardly supposed they did so in real life, especially +when every precaution had been taken to avert such a catastrophe. +I had told the Barbury Green postmistress, on the morning of my +arrival, not to give the Thornycroft address to anybody whatsoever, +but finding, as the days passed, that no one was bold enough or +sensible enough to ask for it, I haughtily withdrew my prohibition. +About this time I began sending envelopes, carefully addressed in a +feigned hand, to a certain person at the Oxenbridge Hydro. These +envelopes contained no word of writing, but held, on one day, only +a bit of down from a hen's breast, on another, a goose-quill, on +another, a glossy tail-feather, on another, a grain of corn, and so +on. These trifles were regarded by me not as degrading or +unmaidenly hints and suggestions, but simply as tests of +intelligence. Could a man receive tokens of this sort and fail to +put two and two together? I feel that I might possibly support +life with a domineering and autocratic husband,--and there is every +prospect that I shall be called upon to do so,--but not with a +stupid one. Suppose one were linked for ever to a man capable of +asking,--"Did YOU send those feathers? . . . How was I to guess? . +. . How was a fellow to know they came from you? . . . What on +earth could I suppose they meant? . . . What clue did they offer me +as to your whereabouts? . . . Am I a Sherlock Holmes?"--No, better +eternal celibacy than marriage with such a being! + +These were the thoughts that had been coursing through my goose- +girl mind while I had been selling dressed poultry, but in some way +they had not prepared me for the appearance of the aforesaid true +love. + +To see the very person whom one has left civilisation to avoid is +always more or less surprising, and to make the meeting less +likely, Buffington is even farther from Oxenbridge than Barbury +Green. The creature was well mounted (ominous, when he came to +override my caprice!) and he looked bigger, and, yes, handsomer, +though that doesn't signify, and still more determined than when I +saw him last; although goodness knows that timidity and feebleness +of purpose were not in striking evidence on that memorable +occasion. I had drawn up under the shade of a tree ostensibly to +eat some cherries, thinking that if I turned my face away I might +pass unrecognised. It was a stupid plan, for if I had whipped up +the mare and driven on, he of course, would have had to follow, and +he has too much dignity and self-respect to shriek recriminations +into a woman's ear from a distance. + +He approached with deliberation, reined in his horse, and lifted +his hat ceremoniously. He has an extremely shapely head, but I did +not show that the sight of it melted in the least the ice of my +resolve; whereupon we talked, not very freely at first,--men are so +stiff when they consider themselves injured. However, silence is +even more embarrassing than conversation, so at length I begin:- + + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"It is a lovely day." + +True Love.--"Yes, but the drought is getting rather oppressive, +don't you think?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"The crops certainly need rain, and the feed +is becoming scarce." + +True Love.--"Are you a farmer's wife?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Oh no! that is a promotion to look forward +to; I am now only a Goose Girl." + +True Love.--"Indeed! If I wished to be severe I might remark: +that I am sure you have found at last your true vocation!" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"It was certainly through no desire to please +YOU that I chose it." + +True Love.--"I am quite sure of that! Are you staying in this +part?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Oh no! I live many miles distant, over an +extremely rough road. And you?" + +True Love.--"I am still at the Hydropathic; or at least my luggage +is there." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"It must be very pleasant to attract you so +long." + +True Love.--"Not so pleasant as it was." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"No? A new proprietor, I suppose." + +True Love.--"No; same proprietor; but the house is empty." + +Bailiff's Daughter (yawning purposely).--"That is strange; the +hotels are usually so full at this season. Why did so many leave?" + +True Love.--"As a matter of fact, only one left. "Full" and +"empty" are purely relative terms. I call a hotel full when it has +you in it, empty when it hasn't." + +Bailiff's Daughter (dying to laugh, but concealing her feelings).-- +"I trust my bulk does not make the same impression on the general +public! Well, I won't detain you longer; good afternoon; I must go +home to my evening work." + +True Love.--"I will accompany you." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"If you are a gentleman you will remain where +you are." + +True Love.--"In the road? Perhaps; but if I am a man I shall +follow you; they always do, I notice. What are those foolish +bundles in the back of that silly cart?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Feed for the pony, please, sir; fish for +dinner; randans and barley meal for the poultry; and four unsold +rabbits. Wouldn't you like them? Only one and sixpence apiece. +Shot at three o'clock this morning." + +True Love.--"Thanks; I don't like mine shot so early." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Oh, well! doubtless I shall be able to +dispose of them on my way home, though times is 'ard!" + +True Love.--"Do you mean that you will "peddle" them along the +road?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"You understand me better than usual,--in fact +to perfection." + +He dismounts and strides to the back of the cart, lifts the covers, +seizes the rabbits, flings some silver contemptuously into the +basket, and looks about him for a place to bury his bargain. A +small boy approaching in the far distance will probably bag the +game. + +Bailiff's Daughter (modestly).--"Thanks for your trade, sir, rather +ungraciously bestowed, and we 'opes for a continuance of your past +fyvors." + +True Love (leaning on the wheel of the trap).--"Let us stop this +nonsense. What did you hope to gain by running away?" + +Bailiff 's Daughter.--"Distance and absence." + +True Love.--"You knew you couldn't prevent my offering myself to +you sometime or other." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Perhaps not; but I could at least defer it, +couldn't I?" + +True Love.--"Why postpone the inevitable?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Doubtless I shrank from giving you the pain +of a refusal." + +True Love.--"Perhaps; but do you know what I suspect?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"I'm not a suspicious person, thank goodness!" + +True Love.--"That, on the contrary, you are wilfully withholding +from me the joy of acceptance." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"If I intended to accept you, why did I run +away?" + +True Love.--"To make yourself more desirable and precious, I +suppose." + +Bailiff's Daughter (with the most confident coquetry).--"Did I +succeed?" + +True Love.--"No; you failed utterly." + +Bailiff's Daughter (secretly piqued).--"Then I am glad I tried it." + +True Love.--"You couldn't succeed because you were superlatively +desirable and precious already; but you should never have +experimented. Don't you know that Love is a high explosive?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Is it? Then it ought always to be labelled +"dangerous," oughtn't it? But who thought of suggesting matches? +I'm sure I didn't!" + +True Love.--"No such luck; I wish you would." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"According to your theory, if you apply a +match to Love it is likely to 'go off.'" + +True Love.--"I wish you would try it on mine and await the result. +Come now, you'll have to marry somebody, sometime." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"I confess I don't see the necessity." + +True Love (morosely).--"You're the sort of woman men won't leave in +undisturbed spinsterhood; they'll keep on badgering you." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Oh, I don't mind the badgering of a number of +men; it's rather nice. It's the one badger I find obnoxious." + +True Love (impatiently).--"That's just the perversity of things. I +could put a stop to the protestations of the many; I should like +nothing better--but the pertinacity of the one! Ah, well! I can't +drop that without putting an end to my existence." + +Bailiff's Daughter (politely).--"I shouldn't think of suggesting +anything so extreme." + +True Love (quoting).--"'Mrs. Hauksbee proceeded to take the conceit +out of Pluffles as you remove the ribs of an umbrella before re- +covering.' However, you couldn't ask me anything seriously that I +wouldn't do, dear Mistress Perversity." + +Bailiff's Daughter (yielding a point).--"I'll put that boldly to +the proof. Say you don't love me!" + +True Love (seizing his advantage).--"I don't! It's imbecile and +besotted devotion! Tell me, when may I come to take you away?" + +Bailiff's Daughter (sighing).--"It's like asking me to leave +Heaven." + +True Love.--"I know it; she told me where to find you,--Thornycroft +is the seventh poultry-farm I've visited,--but you could never +leave Heaven, you can't be happy without poultry, why that is a +wish easily gratified. I'll get you a farm to-morrow; no, it's +Saturday, and the real estate offices close at noon, but on Monday, +without fail. Your ducks and geese, always carrying it along with +you. All you would have to do is to admit me; Heaven is full of +twos. If you shall swim on a crystal lake--Phoebe told me what a +genius you have for getting them out of the muddy pond; she was +sitting beside it when I called, her hand in that of a straw- +coloured person named Gladwish, and the ground in her vicinity +completely strewn with votive offerings. You shall splash your +silver sea with an ivory wand; your hens shall have suburban +cottages, each with its garden; their perches shall be of satin- +wood and their water dishes of mother-of-pearl. You shall be the +Goose Girl and I will be the Swan Herd--simply to be near you--for +I hate live poultry. Dost like the picture? It's a little like +Claude Melnotte's, I confess. The fact is I am not quite sane; +talking with you after a fortnight of the tabbies at the Hydro is +like quaffing inebriating vodka after Miffin's Food! May I come +to-morrow?" + +Bailiffs Daughter (hedging).--"I shall be rather busy; the Crossed +Minorca hen comes off to-morrow." + +True Love.--"Oh, never mind! I'll take her off to-night when I +escort you to the farm; then she'll get a day's advantage." + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"And rob fourteen prospective chicks of a +mother; nay, lose the chicks themselves? Never!" + +True Love.--"So long as you are a Goose Girl, does it make any +difference whose you are? Is it any more agreeable to be Mrs. +Heaven's Goose Girl than mine?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"Ah! but in one case the term of service is +limited; in the other, permanent." + +True Love.--"But in the one case you are the slave of the employer, +in the other the employer of the slave. Why did you run away?" + +Bailiff's Daughter.--"A man's mind is too dull an instrument to +measure a woman's reason; even my own fails sometimes to deal with +all its delicate shades; but I think I must have run away chiefly +to taste the pleasure of being pursued and brought back. If it is +necessary to your happiness that you should explore all the +Bluebeard chambers of my being, I will confess further that it has +taken you nearly three weeks to accomplish what I supposed you +would do in three days!" + +True Love (after a well-spent interval).--"To-morrow, then; shall +we say before breakfast? All, do! Why not? Well, then, +immediately after breakfast, and I breakfast at seven nowadays, and +sometimes earlier. Do take off those ugly cotton gloves, dear; +they are five sizes too large for you, and so rough and baggy to +the touch!" + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg Etext of The Diary of a Goose Girl, by Wiggin + |