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diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/18176-h.zip b/18176-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..68c294c --- /dev/null +++ b/18176-h.zip diff --git a/18176-h/18176-h.htm b/18176-h/18176-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..7c12216 --- /dev/null +++ b/18176-h/18176-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,6153 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Yorkshire Tales, Third +Series, by John Hartley</title> + + +</head> + + +<body> + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorkshire Tales. Third Series, by John Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Yorkshire Tales. Third Series + Amusing sketches of Yorkshire Life in the Yorkshire Dialect + +Author: John Hartley + +Release Date: April 14, 2006 [EBook #18176] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHIRE TALES. THIRD SERIES *** + + + + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1 style="text-align: center;"> Yorkshire Tales. Third +Series</h1> + +<h2 style="text-align: center;">Amusing Sketches +of Yorkshire Life in the Yorkshire Dialect.</h2> + +<h2 style="text-align: center;">John Hartley, + Born 1839, Died 1915.<br> + +</h2> + +<h3 style="text-align: center;">Author of "Clock +Almanack," "Yorkshire Ditties," "Yorksher Puddin," +"Mally an Me," etc.</h3> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther's sunshine an storm +as we travel along,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Throo life's journey whear +ivver we be;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An its wiser to leeten +yor heart wi' a song,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Nor to freeat at wbat fate +may decree;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yo'll find gooid an bad +amang th' fowk 'at yo meet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' form friendships maybe +yo'll regret;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But tho' some may +deceive an lay snares for yor feet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Pass 'em by,—an' +Forgive an' Forget.<br> + +<br> + +</span> +<p>London: William Nicholson & Sons Limited, 26, +Paternoster Square, E.C.</p> + +<p></p> + +<h2>Contents</h2> + +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --> +<p><a href="#Grimes_New_Hat"><b>Grimes' New +Hat.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Sammywell_Sweeps_th_Chimley"><b>Sammywell +Sweeps th' Chimley.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Hepsabahs_Hat"><b>Hepsabah's Hat.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Old_Dave_to_th_New_Parson"><b>Old Dave to +th' New Parson.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Sammywells_Eggsperiment"><b>Sammywell's +Eggsperiment.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#What_came_of_a_Clock_Almanac"><b>What came +of a Clock Almanac.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Sammywells_Reformation"><b>Sammywell's +Reformation.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Sheffield_Smook"><b>Sheffield Smook.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Awr_Lad"><b>Awr Lad.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Grimes_Galloway"><b>Grimes' Galloway.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#True_Blue_A_Romance_of_Factory_Life"><b>True +Blue; A Romance of Factory Life.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#If_aw_wor_a_Woman"><b>"If aw wor a Woman."</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Sammywells_Soft_Snap"><b>Sammywell's Soft +Snap.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#A_Bashful_Bradfordian"><b>A Bashful +Bradfordian.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Th_Owd_Owd_Story"><b>Th' Owd, Owd Story.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Jim_Nations_Fish-shop"><b>Jim Nation's +Fish-shop.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Bob_Brierleys_Bull_Pup"><b>Bob Brierley's +Bull Pup.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Troubles_and_Trials"><b>Troubles and +Trials.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Earnin_a_Honest_Penny"><b>Earnin' a Honest +Penny.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Th_Next_Mornin"><b>Th' Next Mornin'.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Christmas_Oysters"><b>Christmas Oysters.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Chairleys_Coortin"><b>Chairley's Coortin.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#What_a_Gallus_Button_did"><b>What a Gallus +Button did.</b></a><br> + +</p> + +<br> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Grimes_New_Hat" id="Grimes_New_Hat"></a>Grimes' +New Hat.</h2> + +<p>"Sammywell, has ta seen Swindle latly?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, Mally, aw havn't seen him for a matter ov two or three +wick."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw wish tha'd been at chapel yesterdy mornin."</p> + +<p>"Wor ther summat extra like."</p> + +<p>"Eah, ther wor summat extra; an summat at wod ha made thee +oppen thi +e'en. Aw wor nivver so surprised i' mi life. Swindle an his wife wor +thear,—an tho' it isn't oft aw tak noatice o' fowk, aw +couldn't help +dooin soa, an it wor a treeat to see em."</p> + +<p>"Aw can believe thi weel enuff; ther's net monny wimmen as +hansome as +Mistress Swindle."</p> + +<p>"Awm not tawkin abaat Mistress Swindle; tha knows better nor +that, awd +like to know what ther is hansome abaat her? Shoo's noa style abaat +her. +Shoo's a gurt brussen thing! But Swindle is a gooid-lukkin chap, an awm +sewer onnybody could ha mistakken him for a real gentleman. He'd a +grand +suit o' clooas on, as hansome as onny man need wear at his wife's +funeral, an noa sign o' muck under his fingernails, an he'd a silk top +hat on at shane like a lukkin glass!"</p> + +<p>"Why, what bi that? Aw've a silk top hat, but aw nivver wear +it."</p> + +<p>"Noa, an tha nivver will wear it, unless tha walks aght bi +thisen! It +isn't fit to be seen at a hen race. Aw wodn't be seen walkin aght wi +thi +wi sich a thing on thi heead. But aw meean thi to ha one an aw'll pay +for it aght o' mi own pocket, but aw'll goa wi' thi to buy it, for if +tha went bi thisen tha'd let em shove onny sooart ov a oldfashioned +thing onto thi, but they'll find they've a different body to deal wi +when awm thear."</p> + +<p>"It's varry gooid o' thee, Mally, to offer to buy me a new +hat, but aw +railly dooant want one. Yond hat o' mine is as gooid as new for aw +havn't had it on a duzzen times. Tha knows aw nivver wear it nobbut +when +aw goa to th' chapel. It isn't aboon twelve month sin aw gave ten +shilling for it."</p> + +<p>"It's soa much bigger shame for thi to tell it. It shows ha +oft tha goes +to a place o' worship. A fine example tha sets to Jerrymier an th' rest +o' thi gron-childer. But awd have thee to know at tha'rt net as young +as +tha used to be, an its abaat time tha wor thinkin o' thi latter end. +Tha +may be deead an burried befoor long an tha owt to prepare."</p> + +<p>"Why, tha sewerly doesn't meean to bury me in a silk hat?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, aw dooant think awst ivver have th' luck to bury thi at +all! But +aw want thi to begin an goa to th' chapel reglar, an let Mistress +Swindle see at her husband isn't th' only one at can turn aght like a +gentleman."</p> + +<p>"Tha'll be like to pleeas thisen abaat it, but aw thowt it wor +me tha +wor praad on an net mi hat."</p> + +<p>"Tha gets some strange nooations into thi heead, Sammywell. If +ther's +owt abaat thi for onny woman to be praad on awm sewer aw dooant know +whear it is. But as sooin as tha's finished thi pipe aw want thi to get +shaved, an put on thi best Sundy suit an goa wi me into Westgate an get +a new hat—one o'th best ther is i'th shop, if it taks all th' +brass aw +have i' mi pocket. Aw'll let Mistress Swindle see at shoo connot crow +ovver me!"</p> + +<p>Soa Sammywell went aght to be shaved, an Mally began to get +ready to goa +wi him, as sooin as he should be all fixed up to suit her.</p> + +<p>"Nah, Sammywell," sed Mally, as sooin as they wor ready to set +off, "Aw +dunnot want thee to say a word when we get to th' shop. Aw'll do what +tawkin has to be done, an if aw connot get thee a better hat nor that +tha has on thi heead, and one to seem thi better, aw shall know th' +reason why. Aw can hardly fashion to walk daan th' street wi thi, but +it +isn't varry far an we happen shalln't meet onnybody we know."</p> + +<p>When they walked into th' shop, Mally went up to th' caanter +and sed, +"Young man,—aw want to buy a new silk top hat, latest +fashion, best +quality, price noa object, if its under ten shillin, to suit this +elderly gentleman, an luk sharp abaat it, for we're prepared to pay +ready brass."</p> + +<p>"Certainly, maam," an he sooin had two or three ready for him +to try on. +"How will this suit?—latest style."</p> + +<p>"That willn't do at all. It maks him luk like a pill doctor. +He wants a +chapel-gooin hat."</p> + +<p>"Well, here's the very thing. Just the style for an old man."</p> + +<p>"Then aw dooant want it! He's net an old man! He's noa older +nor yo'll +be if yo live as long. Why, that maks him luk like a local praicher +aght +o' wark!"</p> + +<p>"How will this suit? This style is very much worn."</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant want one at's been worn. Noa second hand hats for +me."</p> + +<p>Th' shopman didn't loise his patience, but tried one after +another wol +th' caanter wor piled up wi hats, but nooan on em suited.</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know ha it is," sed Mally, "a big shop like this an +cant get +a daycent lukkin hat! Awm sewer there must be one if onnybody'd sense +to +find it. Here's one, try this."</p> + +<p>Sammywell put it on. "That's the ticket! That luks like +summat! Aw knew +aw could find one! Ha does it feel? Is it comfortable?" an shoo twisted +it to one side and then twisted it back agean. "Nah, what do yo want +for +that,—an remember,—ready brass?"</p> + +<p>"I cannot charge for that, because that's the hat he came in."</p> + +<p>"Is that soa, Sammywell?"</p> + +<p>"Eah, this is my own hat."</p> + +<p>"Why, then, its what aw've tell'd thi monny a +time,—its thee at doesn't +know ha to put it on. Th' hat ails nowt if ther wor some sense i'th +heead. Tha couldn't have a better. Its a blessin aw coomed wi thi or +else tha'd just ha thrown ten shillin away. Awm varry mich obliged to +yo, young man, for all th' trubble yo've takken to suit him, an aw +hardly like to goa aght withaat buyin summat. Yo happen dooant have +onny +pooastage stamps?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, yes."</p> + +<p>"Then yo can let me have threehaupoth."</p> + +<p>"Certainly shall I send them?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, awm nooan to praad to hug mi own bundles. Gooid +afternooin."</p> + +<p>"Good afternoon, Mrs. Grimes, glad to serve you at any time."</p> + +<p>"He's a varry civil chap is yond. Be sewer Sammywell tha allus +gooas to +his shop when tha wants a pooastage stamp."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Sammywell_Sweeps_th_Chimley" id="Sammywell_Sweeps_th_Chimley"></a>Sammywell Sweeps +th' Chimley.</h2> + +<p>"Tha'rt booan idle, Sammywell, that's what's th' matter wi' +thee!"</p> + +<p>"Mally, tha knows tha doesn't spaik trewth when tha says sich +a thing; +for aw havn't a lazy booan i' mi skin an nivver had! Aw'll admit ther +are times when aw should be thankful for a bit ov a rest, but ther's no +rest whear tha art, tha taks care o' that."</p> + +<p>"Rest! It'll be time enuff to tawk abaat rest when tha's done +summat! +Th' hardest wark tha ivver does is aitin an drinkin, an tha does'nt +hawf +chew thi mait as tha should. When do aw get onny rest? Con ta tell me +that?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, aw connot. Aw wish aw could; but tha knows 'ther's noa +rest for +the wicked,' soa what can ta expect."</p> + +<p>"Dooant let me hev onny o' thy back-handed tawk or aw'll let +thee see +whear th' wickedness comes in! Are ta baan to goa an see after a Sweep +to come to this chimley, or are we to be smoored an have all th' bits +o' +furnitur ruinated?"</p> + +<p>"Aw'll fotch thee hawf-a-duzzen sweeps if tha wants em, but +why the +dickens could'nt ta say what tha wanted asteead o' startin blaghardin +me?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant want hawf-a-duzzen sweeps;—one'll be +enuff for what ther is +to do, an aw shouldn't want one at all if awd a felly 'at wor worth his +salt, but tha can do nowt. Whativver sich shiftless fowk wor created +for +licks me!"</p> + +<p>"Why tha doesn't think ivverybody should be born sweeps, does +ta?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, ther's noa need for that. But when a chap isn't clivver +enuff to +be a sweep, he owt still to have sense enuff to luk for one when ther's +one wanted. But aw know one thing, an that is, aw'll put on mi things, +an set off an leeav thi to it, an tha can awther sweep it, or get it +swept, or caar ith' haase wol tha gets sufficated, soa tha knows!"</p> + +<p>An wi that, Mally went upstairs to get don'd, leavin Sammywell +to mak +th' best he could on it. In a varry few minnits, shoo wor daan agean, +an +flingin a shillin on th' table shoo sed, "Thear's th' brass to pay th' +sweep if tha gets one, and be sewer to tell him net to mak onny moor +muck nor he can help, an aw'll cleean an fettle all up ith' mornin; an +if tha wants owt to ait, tha knows whear it is, an as for owt to sup, +tha'rt better baght, an tha knows tha spends sadly to mich," an away +shoo went.</p> + +<p>Sammywell set varry quiet for a minnit or two, studyin things, +an then +he sed, "Ho! Soa that's it! Well, we shall see! Shoo's left a shillin +for th' sweep but nowt for me. Varry gooid.—Then it just +comes to +this;—If aw fotch a sweep, he gets th' shillin an aw sit +drymaath, but +if aw sweep it misen aw'st have a shillin to spend, soa here gooas!" an +he seized th' pooaker an varry sooin had th' foir scaled aght.</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant think it'll tak me aboon five minnits when aw +start, an if aw +dooant mak sich a gooid job on it shoo'll nivver know unless shoo gooas +up to see, an' if shoo tries that trick it's sewer to be weel swept +bith' time shoo comes daan agean," an he put on his hat an went aght, +lockin' th' door after him.</p> + +<p>Wol he wor suppin his second two penoth, who should come in +but his old +chum Parker.</p> + +<p>"Halloa, Sammy!" he sed, "What's up? Aw've just met th' +mistress and +shoo sed shoo'd left thee at hooam, varry thrang."</p> + +<p>"Did shoo? Well, tha sees aw havn't started yet, but aw'st ha +to mak a +beginnin varry sooin, tho aw must say its a job at's a bit aght o' my +line."</p> + +<p>"Why, whativver is it?"</p> + +<p>"Its nobbut th' chimley wants sweepin, an aw doant fairly know +ha to set +abaat it."</p> + +<p>"Oh, if that's all, aw can tell thi ha to manage that. It +willn't tak +thi aboon five minnits."</p> + +<p>"Thar't just th' chap aw wanted to see. Call for twopenoth for +thisen an +then tell me ha to goa on."</p> + +<p>Parker didn't need axin twice, an when he'd getten it, he sed,</p> + +<p>"Tha doesn't keep hens, does ta?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, aw keep nowt but Mally an misen, an awr Hepsabah's +childer th' +mooast oth' time."</p> + +<p>"Well, but some oth' naybors do; an tha could borrow one for a +few +minnits. A gooid old cock wod be th' best."</p> + +<p>"Eeah, aw could get one at belangs th' chap at lives th' next +door but +one. They're all off at their wark but aw could get one aght o' their +yard withaat axin."</p> + +<p>"Well, then, its easy enuff. All tha wants is a long piece o' +string, an +a stooan teed at one end. Then tha mun get on top oth' haase an drop +th' +stooan daan th' chimley, an it'll roll daan into th' +foir-grate,—then +tee tother end oth' string to chicken's legs, and shove it, tail furst, +daan th' chimley pot, an then goa into th' haase an pool it daan th' +flue, an all th' sooit will come wi it, an it'll be a cleeaner job nor +if all th' sweeps ith' taan had been at it."</p> + +<p>"Bith' heart! Parker, aw'st nivver ha thowt o' that. Aw'll goa +an do it +at once. Aw could do wi a job like this ivvery day ith' wick."</p> + +<p>Sammywell went hooam i' famous glee. He sooin gate some string +an teed a +nice cobble stooan to th' end on it, an then he gate up onto th' +wesh-haase an easily climb'd onto th' thack. He made sewer which wor +th' +reight chimley pot and dropt th' stooan daan as Parker had tell'd him +an +daan it went till he could hear it rattle ith' empty foir-grate quite +plainly, an then he went daan agean to get th' chicken.</p> + +<p>It couldn't ha happened better, for thear wor th' old +cock—a girt big +white en,—carr'd up in a corner whear th' sun wor shinin, +fast asleep. +Sammywell had it under his arm in a twinklin, but it wornt quite as +easy +gettin up on th' thack agean, but he managed it, an after a deeal o' +flutterin an squawkin, he teed it fast to tother end oth' string. But +shovin it daan th' Chimney pot wor noa easy matter, for it wor a varry +tight fit. Daan he went agean, as fast as he could, an as sooin as he +gate into th' haase he began to pull.</p> + +<p>My! but it wor a job! For a varry long time he couldn't stir +it, but at +last he felt it wor commin, an then th' sooit began to roll daan i' +claads an he wor ommost smoored, but ther wor nowt for it but to keep +poolin at it even if he wor burried under it.</p> + +<p>It wor a varry unfortnat curcumstance at th' woman Mally had +gooan to +see should be away throo hooam, for it caused her to turn back, thinkin +to hersen, at after all it wod happen be better for her to be at hooam +to superintend things if Sammywell had getten a sweep,—an +shoo just +oppened th' door at th' same instant as th' cock flew into th' kitchen. +Shoo couldn't see Sammywell, for th' place wor full o' sooit, but shoo +could hear summat flyin raand, makkin a moast awful din, an pots an +tins +smashin abaat i' all directions.</p> + +<p>Th' owd cock, seein th' door oppen, flew aght, catchin poor +Mally fair +ith' face wi' its wings as it passed, an sendin her onto her back ith' +gutter, wi' her bonnet off, an her face blackened like a female christy +minstrel!</p> + +<p>Th' woman 'at lived opposite wor hingin aght some clooas, an +th' cock +tried to fly ovver 'em, but th' string bein fast to its legs, browt it +daan fair i'th' middle on 'em, an what wi' th' din th' cock made, an +th' +skrikes shoo made—for shoo thowt for sewer it wor th' owd +dule +hissen—an Mally's grooans, it sooin browt aght Hepsabah an +all th' +naybors, an it worn't till a poleeceman coom at onnybody could tell +what +wor to do.</p> + +<p>Ov coarse, th' furst thing th' poleeceman did wor to arrest +Mally for +bein drunk an disorderly, an ther's noa daat shoo lukt it; an then they +all made a rush to th' haase, for th' sooit wor rollin aght oth' door +as +if th' place wor afire. Sittin on th' floor, ith' middle ov a cart +looad +o' sooit, wor a poor human crayter, coffin an spittin,—(an +some sed, +swearin,) an when he wor browt into th' dayleet, it wor Sammywell.</p> + +<p>As sooin as he could get his breeath, he started to shak +hissen,—when +th' woman 'at belanged th' clooas hit him on th' heead wi a prop, an +wod +ha done moor but Mally interfered. When th' scare wor ovver, th' naybor +wimmen did nowt but laff, an Sammywell and Mally went into th' haase an +shut th' door.</p> + +<p>"Whativver has ta been doing?" axt Mally.</p> + +<p>"Aw've been sweepin th' chimley," sed Sammywell.</p> + +<p>"An a bonny job tha's made on it. If tha can find onny sooap +an watter +onnywhear, goa and gie thisen a gooid swill an then change thi' clooas, +an leeav me to tackle this mess. Aw dooant blame thee a bit moor nor aw +blame misen, for knowin what a fooil tha art, and what a mullock tha +allus maks ov ivverything tha offers to do, aw owt to ha had moor sense +nor mention sich a thing to thi."</p> + +<p>Sammywell thowt th' less he sed an th' better, an he went at +once to do +as he wor tell'd. He wor as anxious to get away as shoo wor to be shut +on him, an as he wor gooin aght, Mally sed,—</p> + +<p>"Whear are ta gooin an what are ta gooin to do?"</p> + +<p>"Awm gooin to a funeral befoor tha sees me agean."</p> + +<p>"Aw didn't know onnybody wor deead. Who's funeral will it be?"</p> + +<p>"Parker's."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Hepsabahs_Hat" id="Hepsabahs_Hat"></a>Hepsabah's +Hat.</h2> + +<p>"Some fowk are nivver satisfied! Aw've noa patience wi' sich +like! Th' +moor some fowk have an th' moor they want. Ther wor noa sich stinkin +pride when aw wor young; but young folk nah dooant know what ails em. +When aw wor a lass it wor thowt to be quite enuff if one wor plainly an +respectably donned, an if they had onny pride, it wor to know at ther +underclooas wor cleean an sweet an fit to be seen, but nah it's all top +finery an fluff they think abaat; but if they'd darn ther stockins an +wesh ther shifts a bit ofter, asteead o' wantin to spooart new gaons an +hats ivvery few days it ud seem em better. At onnyrate, them's my +sentiments."</p> + +<p>"Why, Mally lass, what's set thi off agean? Has somdy been +sayin at tha +doesn't darn thi stockins an keep thi clooas cleean?"</p> + +<p>"Noa ther hasn't, an tha knows nubdy could ivver say such a +thing abaat +me. It's awr Hepsabah at's started me, if tha wants to know!"</p> + +<p>"What's shoo been up to agean? Sewerly tha's moor sense not to +tak +nooatice o' owt shoo says."</p> + +<p>"Aw connot help bein worritted when shoo's put abaght, an +shoo's full o' +trubble,—an aw connot say at aw wonder at it."</p> + +<p>"Why if th' lass is full o' trubble shoo's to be sympathised +wi. Has her +husband come hooam druffen or what?"</p> + +<p>"Tha knows better nor that! Her husband has summat else to do +wi his +brass nor to teem it daan his throit. He's net like some fowk as aw +could mention. But tha knows they've hard to scrat to pay ther way an +keep up his club, an awr Hepsabah has a gooid deeal o' pride, an yond +hat o' hers is hardly fit to be seen in at warty, nivver name Sundy, an +shoo connot affoord another, an th' poor child's ommost heartbrokken."</p> + +<p>"Bless mi life! That's easy to set straight! Connot ta lend +her one o' +thy bonnets?"</p> + +<p>"Tha artn't worth tawkin to! Does ta think a young lass, (for +shoo's +little moor,) wod goa to th' chapel in an old woman's bonnet? If shoo'd +had lot's o' father's they'd ha bowt her one."</p> + +<p>"Happen soa;—but tha sees shoo hasn't a lot o' +father's,—shoo's nobbut +getten me,—but if buyin her a bit ov a bonnet will set +matters straight +aw could sewerly manage that."</p> + +<p>"Nah tha'rt tawkin sense. Aw tell'd her if shoo'd nobbut ax +thi tha'd +nooan see her kept i'th haase for th' want ov a hat. But shoo sed tha'd +allus been soa gooid to her at shoo couldn't for shame to mention it. +But, tha knows, tha cannot buy her a hat unless shoo gooas wi thi."</p> + +<p>"W ell,—tell her to put her things on an we'll goa +an get her messured +for one at once."</p> + +<p>"Tha tawks as if tha wor gooin to get her a coffin asteead ov +a hat. +Wimmen dooant get messured for hats."</p> + +<p>"Oh, dooant they. Well, tell her to get ready an luk sharp."</p> + +<p>Mally left Sammywell smookin his pipe an went to carry gooid +news to +Hepsabah.</p> + +<p>"Nah, Hepsabah lass,—aw've managed to tawk thi +father into th' humour +to buy thi a hat. A'a! but aw've had a job! Come this minnit for fear +he +changes his mind; an see tha gets a gooid en wol tha's th' chonce." +Sammywell wor capt to see em back soa sooin, but tellin em to sit daan +a +bit wol he went up stairs, he left em an went to put summat into his +purse, an wor rayther surprised at Mally didn't follow to see ha mich +he +tuk, for he had to goa into a box whear they kept ther savins at wor +nivver suppooased to be touched except on special occasions.</p> + +<p>"Aw shalln't need mich for a job o' this sooart," he sed, "if +aw +remember reightly that straw hat aw bowt last summer nobbut cost me +eighteen pence, an shoo willn't want one as big as that; but awst nooan +be to two-a-three penoth o' copper; an aw mud as weel have a bit extra +to swagger wi." Soa he tuk a couple o' soverins,—ov coarse +intendin to +bring em back, an then hurried off wi Hepsabah as fast as he could for +fear Mally wod ax some questions he didn't want to answer.</p> + +<p>"Whear are we to goa?" he axt as soon as they wor aght o'th +seet o'th +haase.</p> + +<p>"Aw think Pinchems an Twitchems will be th' best place," sed +Hepsabah.</p> + +<p>"Just whearivver tha likes, an be sewer tha gets one to suit +thi."</p> + +<p>When they gate to th' shop, Sammywell felt like holdin back, +for he'd +nivver been i' sich a place befoor, but he screwed his courage up, an +tellin' Hepsabah to lead th' way he follered, feelin like a fish aght +o' +watter.</p> + +<p>Hepsabah walked in as if shoo owned th' shop, an spaikin to a +gentleman, +they wor shown up stairs whear ther wor sich a lot o' wimmin tryin hats +on, an sich a lot o' young lasses fussin abaat an attendin to em, wol +Sammywell wor fairly flammergasted amang it. One nice young woman browt +him a cheer to sit on, but he darn't ventur 'on it, for it lukt as if +it +wor made o' black sealin wax, but Hepsabah flopt daan on it as if +shoo'd +been used to sittin o' sich articles all her life. Sammywell whispered +to her to be as sharp as shoo could, an stood watchin what wor gooin +on. +Then th' young woman coom agean wi her armful o' what lukt to be flaars +an feathers an ribbins all jumbled in a lump, but which proved to be +what they called hats, an as shoo put furst one an then another on to +Hepsabah, he wor fairly surprised to discover what a bonny lukkin woman +his dowter wor; an when shoo axt him which he liked best, he could +nobbut say, "onny on em! suit thisen, lass!" an th' young woman smiled +at him an sed, "It's nice when a gentleman likes to see his wife well +dressed," an Sammywell blushed an sed "Hem! hem!" but didn't undeceive +her. After tryin on abaat a scoor, nooan seemin to exactly suit +Hepsabah, th' young woman browt another, an Sammywell's e'en fairly +sparkled. "By th' heart!" he sed, "but that's what aw call a Bobby +Dazzler!" an it wor plain to be seen at Hepsabah thowt soa too. "Aw +should like it," shoo sed, "but awm feeared it'll cost a lot."</p> + +<p>"Tha's nowt to do wi that. It's me at's to pay for it!" soa in +a few +minnits it wor packt in a box, an handed to her, an Sammywell tell'd +her +to tak it an get aghtside an wait for him an he'd bi wi her as sooin as +he'd sattled for it. Hepsabah's face wor all smiles, tho' ther wor just +a glisten o' tears in her een as shoo went away.</p> + +<p>"An nah, young woman," sed Sammywell, as he held his purse in +his hand, +"ha mich do yo want?"</p> + +<p>Shoo handed him th' bill, but he seemed as if he couldn't mak +it aght, +soa he put on his spectacles. "This is a mistak, Miss," he sed, "aw've +nobbut agreed to pay for one."</p> + +<p>"That's quite right, sir," shoo sed, "One +hat,—twenty two and six."</p> + +<p>"Twenty two fiddlesticks!"</p> + +<p>"No, sir, twenty two shillings and six pence. That's not much +for a +gentleman to pay for his wife's hat."</p> + +<p>"But shoo isn't mi wife! Shoo's nobbut mi dowter!"</p> + +<p>"No one would think you had a daughter so old;—you +must have married +very young," sed th' young woman smilin at him in a way at made him +feel +funny all ovver.</p> + +<p>He sed noa moor but handed her two soverins; shoo gave him his +change, +an he made th' best ov his way into th' street where Hepsabah wor +waitin +for him; then he lained his back agean a lamp-pooast as if he wor too +waik to stand.</p> + +<p>"Do yo feel sick, father?" sed Hepsabah.</p> + +<p>"Eeah, aw think aw've getten a bit ov a sickener."</p> + +<p>"It wor varry warm i' that shop."</p> + +<p>"Eeah,—its th' hottest shop aw've ivver been in."</p> + +<p>"Yo see, yo arn't used to buyin hats."</p> + +<p>"Noa, an awm net likely to get used to it. Aw hooap thar't +suited."</p> + +<p>"O, father,—its a beauty! If aw can nobbut get my +chap to buy me a +costume to match it!"</p> + +<p>"Tha'll nivver do that, Hepsabah, becoss he connot. If he'd to +buy thee +a costoom, as tha calls it, to match that, an pay for it at th' same +rate as aw've paid for that hat, it ud cost him aboon a thaasand paand! +What does to think it's cost me?"</p> + +<p>"Aw can't guess."</p> + +<p>"Twenty two shillin an sixpence! That's true whether tha +believes it or +net."</p> + +<p>"Is that all! Why its as cheap as muck."</p> + +<p>"Well, mak th' best on it, for tha'll get noa moor muck at th' +same +price aght o' me. But promise me at tha'll nivver tell thi mother! If +shoo'd to get to know shoo wodn't be able to sleep for a wick. It's a +scandlus shame, an aw've been swindled! Why, tha owt to ha getten a hat +as big as a umbrella for that price."</p> + +<p>"Well, if yo hadn't wanted me to have it yo shouldn't ha sed +soa."</p> + +<p>"Aw did want thi to have it, but it's price aw connot get +ovver. Why it +weighs nowt hardly. Its cost aboon five shillin an aance. Thee goa in +an +show it to thi mother an aw'll goa an get summat to steady mi narves."</p> + +<p>Sammywell tried to keep his spirits up wi puttin some spirits +daan, but +he couldn't manage it, an it wor wi fear an tremblin at he lifted th' +sneck when he went hooam. All lukt breet an cheerful an th' supper wor +on th' table, an Mally's face showed noa sign o' ill temper. "Thank +gooidness," he sed to hissen, "shoo hasn't been upstairs to caant th' +brass yet."</p> + +<p>"Come thi ways to thi supper, Sammywell, aw wor gettin uneasy +abaat +thi."</p> + +<p>"Has Hepsabah been?" he axt.</p> + +<p>"Eeah. An shoo's shown me her new hat, an aw must say aw +didn't gie thi +credit for havin sich gooid taste. Shoo's famously suited, an awm +pleeased to think tha's acted as a father should act for once. Aw do +believe if tha could nobbut live long enuff aw should be able to mak a +daycent chap on thi at th' finish."</p> + +<p>"Did shoo say owt abaght what it cost?"</p> + +<p>"Nay shoo didn't, an aw nivver axt her, for aw know tha'd +nooan be +likely to give mich; but if aw thowt aw could get one like it for owt +under five an twenty shillin awd be after one i'th mornin."</p> + +<p>"Well, but tha connot,—for ther's nivver been but +one made o' that +pattern."</p> + +<p>"Ther'd happen be one ov another pattern to suit me."</p> + +<p>"Ther's noa moor ov onny sooart whativver; for th' chap at +keeps that +shop is gooin to retire from business to-neet an start a bank i'th +mornin,—an noa wonder."</p> + +<p>"Onnybody'd think to listen to thi at tha didn't thoil it. Aw +know ha +mich brass tha tuk wi thi an if tha's spent it all, what bi that! Tha +doesn't buy thi dowter a hat ivvery wick! an its far cheaper to buy a +daycent article nor to squander yor brass on a lot o' rubbish. Shoo's +varry careful ov her clooas is Hepsabah, an tha'll see it'll ha lasted +weel bi th' time tha gooas to buy her another."</p> + +<p>"That's a moral sartainty. If that hat lasts her wol aw buy +her another +it'll last a long time."</p> + +<p>"Say noa moor abaat it. Tha's suited us an if tha hasn't +suited thisen +its thi own fault. Aw thowt tha desarved a bit ov a treeat soa aw +fotched thi a drop o' thi favourite, an if tha doesn't want it all +thisen aw dooant mind havin a drop."</p> + +<p>"That's all reight, Mally, an awm glad tha'rt soa thowtful, +but aw +connot help thinkin tha'rt a varry inconsistent woman."</p> + +<p>"Nah then! If tha'rt gooin to start callin me names aw willn't +have a +drop!"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant want to call thi names, but facts are stubborn +things. If aw +happen to goa an get two-penoth into mi heead tha praiches at me for a +full clockhaar abaat th' sin ov extravagance an th' blessins ov +economy; +but awr Hepsabah can wear a hat at's cost as mich as aw could buy a +distillary for, an that's all reight."</p> + +<p>"If tha bowt a distillery, Sammywell, nawther thee nor it wod +last as +long as awr Hepsabah's hat, soa things are better as they are. Hand +ovver what change tha's getten i' thi pocket an then sup up an let's +get +off to bed, an be thankful tha's getten a dowter to buy a hat for, an a +wife at advises thee allus for th' best."</p> + +<p>"All reight, lass,—awm ready,—but aw +connot for th' life o' me see +what awr Hepsabah's hat has to do wi young wimmen darnin ther stockins +an weshin ther shifts."</p> + +<p>"A'a, Sammywell! Ther's a deeal o' things abaat wimmen at tha +has to +leearn yet."</p> + +<p>"Aw believe there is,—but twenty two an sixpence a +lesson is a trifle +aboon my cut."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Old_Dave_to_th_New_Parson" id="Old_Dave_to_th_New_Parson"></a>Old Dave to th' New +Parson.</h2> + +"Soa, yo're th' new parson, are yo?<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Well, awm fain to see +yo've come;</span><br> + +Yo'll feel a trifle strange at furst,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But mak yorsen at hooam.</span><br> + +Aw hooap yo'll think nor war o' me,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">If aw tell what's in mi +noddle,</span><br> + +Remember, if we dooant agree,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It's but an old man's +twaddle.</span><br> + +But aw might happen drop a hint,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At may start yo to +thinkin;</span><br> + +Awd help yo if aw saw mi way,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An do it too, like +winkin.</span><br> + +Awm net mich up o' parsons,—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther's some daycent ens +aw know;</span><br> + +They're smart enuff at praichin,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But at practice they're +too slow.</span><br> + +For dooin gooid nooan can deny<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther chonces are mooast +ample;</span><br> + +If they'd give us fewer precepts,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An rayther moor example.</span><br> + +We need a friend to help waik sheep,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Oe'r life's rough ruts +an boulders;—</span><br> + +Ther's a big responsibility<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Rests on a parson's +shoulders.</span><br> + +But oft ther labor's all in vain,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Noa matter ha persistent;</span><br> + +Becoss ther taichin an ther lives<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Are hardly quite +consistent.</span><br> + +Ther's nowt can shake ther faith in God,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When bad is growing +worse;</span><br> + +An nowt abate ther trust, unless<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It chonce to touch ther +purse.</span><br> + +They say, "Who giveth to the poor,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Lends to the Lord," but +yet,</span><br> + +They all seem varry anxious,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Net to get the Lord in +debt.</span><br> + +But wi my fooilish nooations<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Mayhap yo'll net +agree,—</span><br> + +Its like enuff 'at awm mistaen,—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But it seems that way to +me.</span><br> + +If yo hear a clivver sarmon,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yor attention it +command's,</span><br> + +If yo know at th' praicher's heart's as white<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">As what he keeps his +hands.</span><br> + +Ther's too mich love ov worldly ways,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An too mich affectation;</span><br> + +They work i'th' vinyard a few days,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then hint abaat vacation.</span><br> + +He has to have a holiday<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Because he's worked soa +hard;—</span><br> + +Well, aw allus think 'at labor<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Is desarvin ov reward.</span><br> + +What matters, tho' his little flock<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A shepherd's care is +wantin:</span><br> + +Old Nick may have his run o'th' fold<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Wol he's off galavantin.</span><br> + +Aw dooant say 'at yo're sich a one,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yo seem a gradely sooart;</span><br> + +But if yo' th' Gospel armour don,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yo'll find it isn't +spooart.</span><br> + +Dooant sell yor heavenly birthright,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For a mess ov worldly +pottage:</span><br> + +But spend less time i'th' squire's hall<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An moor i'th' poor man's +cottage.</span><br> + +Point aght the way an walk in it,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They'll follow, one bi +one,</span><br> + +An when yo've gained yor journey's end,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yo'll hear them words, +"Well done."</span><br> + +A Christian soldier has to be,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Endurin, bold an brave;</span><br> + +Strong in his faith he'll sewerly win,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">As sewer as my name's +Dave."</span><br> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Sammywells_Eggsperiment" id="Sammywells_Eggsperiment"></a>Sammywell's +Eggsperiment.</h2> + +<p>"If my memory sarves me reightly, Mally, its abaght forty year +sin aw +tell'd thee at aw liked a boil'd egg for mi braikfast, an it seems +tha's +nivver forgetten it, for it seems to me at tha's nivver gein me owt +else, an awm just abaat sick o'th seet on em."</p> + +<p>"Ther's nivver onny suitin thee, Sammywell, what aw do for +thi, an as to +givin thi eggs to thi braikfast for forty year, tha knows it isn't +true, +for aw dooant think tha's had em moor nor once a month, if that. But +tha +needn't freeat abaat that, for at th' price eggs is nah, its just like +aitin brass. Aw've gien em to thi a time or two latly becoss tha +complained abaat feelin waik, an ther's nowt at's moor strength nor +eggs."</p> + +<p>"If this is a sample aw believe tha'rt reight, for this is +strong enuff +to drive me aght o'th haase. Eggs is nivver fit to ait unless they're +fresh, and tha owt to know that."</p> + +<p>"It's a queer thing if that isn't fresh, for aw nobbut bowt a +duzzen off +Judy Jooans yesterdy, an shoo declared shoo laid em hersen."</p> + +<p>"Then that accaants for it, for its just th' soort ov a egg at +aw should +fancy Judy wod lay. When tha buys onny moor, be sewer they've been laid +wi a nice young pullet an then they willn't poison a chap. That's +ommost +browt mi heart up."</p> + +<p>"If that's all tha hadn't mich to bring up, but if tha wor +like other +husbands tha'd set to wark an fix that cellar up, an buy some hens an +then tha'd know who laid em. But tha'll do nowt nobbut sit o' thi +backside an smook or else spend thi time i' some public wi a glass +anent +thi. Aw wonder sometimes ha tha can fashion to pool up to th' table an +ait at all. But ther's nowt trubbles thee soa long as tha gets thi +belly +full an has a shillin i' thi pocket an a gooid bed to come to at neet."</p> + +<p>"Why, when aw mentioned keepin hens last spring, tha flew up +in a +tantrum, an sed tha'd have nooan sich powse abaat th' haase, but if tha +thinks we could do wi some aw'll get some to-day. This is Setterdy an +ther's allus plenty to be had i'th market. Aw think it ud be a gooid +idea for ther's nowt awm fonder on nor a fresh egg in a drop o' rum in +a +mornin."</p> + +<p>"Rum agean! It's th' topmost thowt i' thi mind. If aw live +longer nor +thee, aw'll put a bottle into thi coffin. Tho' if aw did, aw do believe +tha'd get up an sup it. But if tha likes to goa an buy a couple o' nice +hens an fix a place up for em, tha can tak this five shillin an see +what +tha can do. An if tha brings me mi reight change an doesn't stop long, +aw'll see if aw cannot have summat for thi at tha'll like."</p> + +<p>"Aw'll hunt up old blind Billy, an get a couple off him, +becoss aw know +he's honest, an ther's net monny honest fowk i'th hen trade."</p> + +<p>Sammywell worn't long befoor he wor off, an as he wor passin +th' Market +Tavern, he saw blind Billy commin aght. He tell'd him just what he +wanted, an Billy sed, "As far as aw can see, tha's just come at th' +reight time, for aw've three grand young pullets at's all ready for +layin, an aw'll let thi have em cheap. Six shillin for three; and +they're cheap at seven an sixpence."</p> + +<p>"Nay, tha axes too much, they're sich little ens."</p> + +<p>"Aw nivver saw three bigger at that price," he sed, an as he +wor born +stooan blind that wor true.</p> + +<p>"Aw'll gie thi five shillin, an strike th' bargain just nah," +sed +Sammywell.</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt a hard customer, but as we've had monny a drink +together, tha +shall have em."</p> + +<p>Soa th' brass an th' chickens changed hands an Sammywell wor +sooin back +hooam wi his bargain.</p> + +<p>"Tha hasn't been long," sed Mally, as shoo lukt at th' hens, +"an whear's +mi change?"</p> + +<p>"Ha mich change did ta expect aght o' five shillin, when aw've +browt thi +three layin pullets?"</p> + +<p>"If awd gien thi ten it ud just ha been th' same an aw owt to +ha had +moor sense nor to ax. But nah tha's getten em, whear does ta intend to +put em?"</p> + +<p>"Aw'll put em i' yond old hamper 'at's i'th' cellar. Aw cannot +fix a +place for em befoor Monday."</p> + +<p>"Noa, but tha can beg an old box or two or a few booards wol +tha'rt aght +to-day an then tha'll have all ready for a start."</p> + +<p>Sundy mornin saw Sammywell up i' gooid time, an his first job +wor to +feed his chickens. He felt quite like a farmer in a small way. Then +Mally had to goa an peep at em. "Sammywell! come hither this minnit!" +shoo called aght, an he ran daan fit to braik his neck. "Peep into that +corner," shoo sed, as shoo raised th' hamper lid. An thear sewer enuff; +ther wor a nice white egg. He picked it aght gently an they booath +examined it, an they thowt they'd nivver seen one as nice befoor.</p> + +<p>"What mun we do wi it?" sed Mally.</p> + +<p>"Aw think th' best thing to do wi it will be to ait it."</p> + +<p>"It ommost luks a shame, but still aw suppooas that's what its +for. Aw +wonder which laid it. Does ta think it wor th' black en or th' braan +en? +Aw fancy it wor th' white en."</p> + +<p>"Eeah, aw think it must ha been th' white en," sed Sammywell, +"but get +it boiled an we'll share it."</p> + +<p>They wor as pleeased as two childer ovver ther braikfast, an +it had +seldom happened at they'd booath been in sich a gooid temper as they +wor +when they started for th' chapel. Sammywell had oppened th' cellar +winder to let some air in, an after lockin th' door they wor just +startin off, when what should they see but that white chicken pickin +away i'th fould.</p> + +<p>"Nah, tha sees what tha's done! Tha's left th' lid off that +hamper! Aw +wish tha'd let things alooan at tha doesn't understand. Tha knows nowt +abaat chickens."</p> + +<p>"It's thi own fault for leeavin th' cellar winder oppen! Onny +fooil mud +ha known better nor that. But let's drive it back, if we leeav it aght +it'll be lost."</p> + +<p>"Shoo shoo," went Sammy, an "Shoo shoo," went Mally, but th' +chicken +seemed to tak varry little nooatice, until Sammywell made a click at +it, +then it gave a scream an ran between his legs, an seemed detarmined to +goa onnywhear except to th' cellar winder. Hepsabah wor lukkin aght +o'th +winder an saw what they wor tryin to do, soa shoo coom aght wi th' long +brush to help em, an little Jerrymier coom to help too. "Nah, gently +does it," sed Sammywell, an they gethered raand in a ring an it lukt as +if they wor just gooin to nab it, when Jerrymier sed "Shoo, shoo" an +away it flew, clean ovver ther heeads, daan th' ginnel an aght into +Westgate.</p> + +<p>"Tha young taistrel!" sed Sammywell, but he off after it as +hard as he +could, an a fine race it gave him. Up one street an daan another they +went, but Sammywell's blooid wor up an he worn't gooin to be lickt wi a +bit ov a chicken. Th' streets wor lined wi fowk gooin to chapel or +church, an they shook ther heeads in a varry meeanin way, an some on em +turned up th' whites o' ther een as if they wor tryin to see th' inside +o' ther heeads, but Sammywell went on an nivver lost seet o'th chicken. +They'd ommost getten to th' taan hall, when they coom to a spice shop +an +th' door wor oppen, an in it popt. "Nah, aw've getten thi!" he sed, an +he follered it in an shut th' door.</p> + +<p>Th' young woman i'th shop wor capt when it jumpt onto th' +caanter. +"Catch it, mistress!" sed Sammy, an shoo clickt at it, but it flew i'th +winder, an nivver mind if it didn't mak th' mint drops fly! Then it +gate +aght an swept all th' glass ornaments off th' shelf an peearked up on +th' shandileer; Sammy struck at it wi his umberell, but he missed it, +an +gave th' young woman's heead sich a crack wol it rang like a pot. Then +he oppened th' door an as luck wod have it, it flew aght. Sammy flew +aght too, an th' woman ran after him, holdin booath hands to her heead +an cryin "Murder!"</p> + +<p>That wor enough to start all th' lads 'at should ha been at +Sundy +schooil after Sammywell, but he didn't care. After it he ran an at last +it flew into a ass-middin, an nah he felt sewer on it. It tried to fly +aght but it couldn't, but ther wor noa way to get it but to goa in +after +it. He wished he hadn't had on his best Sundy suit, but ther wor no +help +for it. He managed to crawl in, an in a minnit he wor up to his knees +i' +ass an puttaty pillins. Th' chicken raised sich a dust wi flutterin +abaat wol he wor ommost chooaked an blinded, but he grabbed it an wor +sooin aght, lukkin as if somedy'd been shakin a flaar seck ovver his +heead. Th' lads set up a shaat, but he tuk noa nooatice, an made th' +best of his way towards hooam, takkin care net to goa past th' spice +shop, for he didn't think it wor a proper day for business like that +'at +wod be waitin for him. Mally an Hepsabah follered bi a lot o'th +naybors, +wor commin to see what had become on him, an when they saw what a +pictur +he'd made ov hissen, they fairly skriked wi laffin—all but +Mally. Shoo +wor soa mad wol shoo couldn't spaik.</p> + +<p>Just as they'd getten to th' end o'th ginnel, old Zekil saw +him, and +sed—"Heigh up, thear! What are ta dooin wi that chicken?"</p> + +<p>"Awm takkin it whear it belangs."</p> + +<p>"That's my chicken, put it daan an mell on it agean at thi +peril."</p> + +<p>"Nay, Zekil," sed Mally, "it's awr chicken, for Sammywell bowt +it +yesterdy an its laid us a egg this mornin."</p> + +<p>"Aw tell yo it's mine! It's nivver laid onny eggs, for it's a +cock. Aw +can own it becoss its tail feathers is brokken."</p> + +<p>Sammywell lukt at it, "aw wish its neck had been brokken," he +sed.</p> + +<p>Zekil tuk it an made off wi it, an Sammywell an Mally went +hooam; "Goa +into th' cellar an see for thisen," sed Mally, "Awm as sewer yond's awr +chicken as aw've a nooas o' my face."</p> + +<p>He went to see, and there wor his three chickens just as he'd +left em.</p> + +<p>"Nah, what am aw to do? Theas clooas'll nivver be like thersen +agean, an +awm wellny choaked."</p> + +<p>"Tha desarves twice as mich as tha's getten! To think at a +chap has +lived to thy time o' life an connot tell th' difference between a cock +an a hen. Tha must be daft."</p> + +<p>"Daft! Soa are ta daft! Tha knew noa moor nor me. But tha can +tak thi +chickens, an goa to blazes wi em for owt aw care! It wor thee at wanted +em, it wor nooan o' me!"</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt net spaikin trewth—"</p> + +<p>"Well, tha'rt another! If it hadn't been for thee awst ha been +i'th +chapel this minnit."</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt happen as weel at hooam, for tha'rt nooan in a fit +state o' mind +for th' chapel."</p> + +<p>"Awm nooan in a fit state o' body nawther aw think. Just luk +at theas +clooas!"</p> + +<p>"Goa upstairs an change em, an aw'll see what aw can do wi em. +Tha'rt +th' biggest fool aw ivver met i' my life."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="What_came_of_a_Clock_Almanac" id="What_came_of_a_Clock_Almanac"></a>What came of a +Clock Almanac.</h2> + +<p>Rosa and Louisa Mellit wor dressmakkers—they'd +nawther father nor +mother, an nowt to live on but what they could addle wi ther fingers, +an +that worn't mich; for tho' they'd had a bit ov a shop for ten year, +asteead o'th' customers gettin mooar, they gate steadily +less—nah an +then they'd a dress to mak for a sarvant lass or some o'th naybors' +wives or dowters, but when th' dresses wor made an sent hooam, monny a +time they didn't get paid for em for months an months, an often enuff +they nivver finger'd th' brass at all.</p> + +<p>Soa as th' years went on things went from bad to worse, an +asteead o' +payin ready money for jock as they bowt, they'd to get it on th' strap, +until ther worn't a place near whear they'd trust em onny mooar. They'd +selled as much o' ther furnitur as they could till they'd nowt else +left +at onnybody wod buy; an they'd popt bits o' things, sich as books an +odds an ends, till they'd nowt else left to pop. An nah th' rent day +wor +next mornin, an barrin abaat hawf a soverin they hadn't onnythin to pay +it wi.</p> + +<p>"If we could nobbut get us own debts paid," sed Louisa one +neet, when +th' shutters were up an they wor talkin things ovver, "we could do +nicely—awm sewer Missis Rhodes could pay that three paand +shoo owes us +easy enuff if shoo wod."</p> + +<p>"Aw ax'd her to-day," sed Rosa, "an shoo sed shoo'd try an let +us have +five shillin at Midsummer."</p> + +<p>"What's five shillin then, when we've eight paand ten to pay +to morn?"</p> + +<p>They booath sat ovver a handful o' coils ther wor i'th grate +an sed nowt +for a bit, then Rosa sed,</p> + +<p>"Ther's yond length o' black silk we've had soa long, that +piece Missis +Jackson ordered an then wod'nt tak; we mun sell that, it cost fower +paand, happen we can get three for it. Whear is it?"</p> + +<p>Louisa gate up an fotch'd it off a shelf—it wor tied +up in a piece o' +paper, an when shoo oppened it aght, it must ha getten damp somehah, +for +it wor all i' patches o' white mowd, an fairly ruinated.</p> + +<p>Then booath on em burst into tears when they saw it, and sat +daan ageean +an sobbed for long enuff.</p> + +<p>"Ther's nowt for it but to be turn'd aght o'th haase an goa an +work i' a +mill," sed Louisa.</p> + +<p>"Eeah! dear-a-me, to think o' us commin to that." An they +booath cried +ageean.</p> + +<p>"We must have summat at we can sell," Rosa sobbed in a bit, +"what's +getten mother's brooach?"</p> + +<p>"We sell'd that to pay th' doctor's bill when poor owd Hamer +next door +had th' fever soa long." "So we did, awd forgetten."</p> + +<p>Ageean nawther on em spake for a bit, an th' wind howl'd raaad +th' +haase, an rain beat ageean th' panes, an all on a sudden Rosa jump'd up +an sed—</p> + +<p>"Louisa, dooan't yo' remember when mother wor deein, shoo sed +ther wor a +little tin box i' her trunk, an at if ivver we wor i' onny trouble we +wor to look inside ov it."</p> + +<p>"Aw think aw do, but aw nivver saw th' box, whear is it?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooan't know, unless its i'th trunk still, let's hev a +look for it."</p> + +<p>They gate a cannel an went upstairs, an varry sooin coom daan +ageean wi +a owd tin trunk at they put on th' hearthstun. Louisa oppened it, an +start'd rummagin abaat amang a whole lot o' odds an ends o' wearin +apparel, an reight daan i'th bottom corner her hand coom agean summat +hard.</p> + +<p>"Here it is," shoo sed, as shoo pool'd aght a little flat tin +box, abaat +eight inches long an six inches wide an appen hawf an inch thick.</p> + +<p>One end ov it wor made to slide off, but it wor soa rusty for +want o' +use 'at it tuk a bit o' bother to loise it, but at last off it coom, an +Louisa put in her finger and pool'd aght—not a savins bank +book wi a +gooid raand sum o' money on its pages—but three owd numbers +o'th Clock +Almanack.</p> + +<p>Poor lasses, they'd been expectin sich things aght o' this +box, at when +they saw what it contain'd they booath started o' cryin agean.</p> + +<p>"Poor mother," sed Rosa, "shoo allus used to say 'at if shoo +wor low +spirit'd or i' trubble th' "Clock Almanack" allus cheer'd her up, an +shoo must ha thowt it wod cheer us up too."</p> + +<p>An then they cried agean, for nawther on em felt at all +inclin'd for +readin noa comic stooaries, or thowt at they'd find much comfort i'th +Yorksher dialect that neet; soa Louisa put em back into th' box an +nivver oppen'd em—but as th' box wor rayther thin, shoo had +to slide em +in one at a time, an as shoo wor puttin in th' second one, th' remainin +almanac slipt off her knee onto th' floor, an tho' shoo didn't see it, +a +bit o' white paper fell aght ov it an lay under th' table.</p> + +<p>When th' box wor put away they went to bed withaat supper, an +cried +thersens to sleep, an th' paper laid thear under th' table all neet, an +a couple o' braan mice play'd all raand it, an used it insteead ov a +table cloth to eat ther supper off.</p> + +<p>I'th mornin when Rosa coom daan to leet th' fire th' piece o' +paper wor +th' furst thing shoo saw when shoo took th' shut daan; shoo picked it +up +an turn'd it ovver, an thear if it worn't a Ten Paand Bank o' England +Nooat. Tawk abaat rejoicins, jewbilee days is nowt to that mornin. +Louisa nearly went off her chump an they'd th' best braikfast they'd +had +for years.</p> + +<p>They hadn't noa daat as to whear it had come thro' for it wor +dated th' +year at ther mother deed, they knew at it must ha been hers, an it had +no daat been i'th trunk an tummell'd aght when they wor turnin things +ovver—they had another look but ther wor noa mooar. It wor +Rosa at +look'd, but as shoo knew ther were nowt i'th little tin box but Clock +Almanacks, shoo didn't oppen it.</p> + +<p>As sooin as th' banks oppen'd Louisa went an gate th' nooat +chang'd soa +as to be ready for th' lanlord when he coom, an when shoo gate back +Rosa +met her at th' door wi a smillin face, and sed, at Missis Rhodes had +browt th' three paand shoo owed em, an ordered a new black silk dress +beside; soa they gate daan th' mouldy piece at they'd look'd at th' +neet +befooar, an to ther joy they faand aght at th' stains wor only on th' +two aghtside folds, an inside it wor all reight an wod mak th' dress +weel enuff.</p> + +<p>They'd a happy day as yo can guess, an at dinner time they +sent a bit o' +beef an Yorksher puddin to a poorly woman at liv'd daan th' yard, an +like all fowk at does a gooid turn to them at's war off nor thersens, +they felt better for it. That neet when th' shop wor shut, they sat +daan +beside th' assnook an began o' tawkin ha different things seemed thro' +what they had done th' neet befooar.</p> + +<p>"Just to think," sed Rosa, "last neet we'd nobbut ten shillin +an th' +rent to pay; an naah we've th' rent paid, an nearly five paand beside, +an a dress to mak into th' bargain."</p> + +<p>"Eah!" Louisa went on, "an just fancy sellin yond owd bonnet +at we've +had soa long, to that owd woman at sed shoo couldn't bide new fashioned +things."</p> + +<p>"Well we've had bad luck long enuff, aw hope it'll turn +nah—if we could +nobbut get a bit o' brass, we'd buy Miss Simpson's shop i' front +street." An soa they tawked on poor lasses i'th gladness o' ther +hearts, +for it wor wi them as it is wi a seet o' others i' this cowd hard +world, +they'd had soa mich claady weather at a bit o' sunshine wor ommost +mooar +nor they could understand. After they'd had ther supper, Louisa sed, +"Rosa, last neet aw felt as if aw couldn't bear to read in them owd +Clock Almanacs o' mothers, but aw feel to-neet as if a gooid stooary +wodn't come amiss."</p> + +<p>"Aw'll read one," sed Rosa, an shoo gate up an gate th' little +tin case +aght o'th box, an took th' Almanacs aght:—</p> + +<p>"Ther's eighteen seventy fower, an five, an six, which shall +aw read +aght on?"</p> + +<p>"Th' owdest one," Louisa answered, "tho' noa daat they'll all +be gooid."</p> + +<p>Rosa pickt seventy fower aght, an oppen'd it, an as shoo did +soa a crisp +bit o' white paper fell aght, Louisa catcht it befooar it gate to th' +floor, an thear it wor a five paand nooat.</p> + +<p>"Turn ovver th' leeaves," Louisa cried, "Quick! Quick!"</p> + +<p>Rosa did soa, an a reglar little shaar o' nooats fell +aght—it wor th +same i'th t'other Almanacs, an when they'd gooan throo all th' pages +they'd quite a little pile on em—some wor fivers, some +tenners, an ther +wor one for twenty paand. "Aw see wot dear, dear mother meant when shoo +sed if ivver we wor i' onny trubble, we wor to luk into th' little tin +box."</p> + +<p>Ther wor nearly three hundred paand altogether, an poor lasses +they +nivver went to bed all neet, for fear o' theives braikin in an +stailin—an next mornin they nivver oppen'd th' shop, but went +straight +away to Miss Simpson's and bowt her shop, stock an gooid will, an all, +an paid brass daan for it.</p> + +<p>They've nivver luk'd behund em since, tho' its mooar nor two +year sin +this happened; tho' Rosa's gooan aght o' bisniss, becoss shoo's wed a +clerk in a bank; an Louisa's baan to be married at Kursmiss to a chap +at +has a shop next door, an they're baan to break a door thro' an roll +both +shops into one.</p> + +<p>On th' furst ov October ivvery year as sooin as th' Clock +Almanack comes +aght, they booath on em run an buy th' first copy at ivver they can lig +ther hands on, for th' varry seet ov th' red an yoller cover maks em +think o'th happiest moment at ivver they had i' ther lives.</p> + +<p>It isn't often at ther's soa mich brass faand inside a Clock +Almanack, +but ther's monny an monny a paands worth ov innocent amusement to be +faand in its pages, an they're odd kind o' fowk at connot thoil to +spend +a threepeny bit on one, or think ther brass is wasted.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Sammywells_Reformation" id="Sammywells_Reformation"></a>Sammywell's +Reformation.</h2> + +<p>"Mally! If tha cannot scale th' foir baght makkin that din, +let it +alooan!"</p> + +<p>"When aw want thee to tell me ha to scale a foir aw'll ax thi! +Aw should +think aw've lived long enuff to know that mich. It mun awther be scaled +or it'll goa aght."</p> + +<p>"Then let it goa aght! If tha maks a racket like that agean +tha'll goa +aght whativver comes o'th foir, or if tha doesn't aw'll pitch thi on +th' +top on it! Oh my poor heead! aw wish tha had it for hawf an haar, then +tha'd know summat."</p> + +<p>"Awm nooan soa sewer abaat that! Tha's had it ivver sin aw +knew thi an +its varry little at tha knows!"</p> + +<p>"Aw know it'll drive me aght o' mi senses if it doesn't stop."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha willn't have far to goa, that's one blessin. Bless +mi life! +its nobbut a touch o'th tooithwark."</p> + +<p>"Nobbut a touch isn't it? If tha'd to be touched i'th same way +tha +wodn't live five minnits. As it happens, it isn't th' tooithwark at +all, +it's th' newralgy aw've getten into mi heead."</p> + +<p>"Well, be thankful at tha's getten summat in it at last, for +its been +empty long enuff, an that owt to be fain whether its newralgy or +oldralgy. Aw've noa patience wi thi, for if ther's th' leeast thing +ails +thi tha upsets all th' haase. When awr Hepsabah's Jerrymier had it he +hardly made a muff, an he did have it wi a vengence, poor child."</p> + +<p>"Awd like to know if ther's owt i' this world at Jerrymier +hasn't had? +If awd to come hooam wi mi neck brokken tha'd declare at Jerrymier had +had his brokken monny a time, an seemed to enjoy it! Aw wish he'd +nivver +been born for he's th' plague o' my life!"</p> + +<p>"It mud ha been a gooid job for him if he nivver had been +born, an th' +same could be sed abaat moor nor him, soa tha can crack that nut."</p> + +<p>"Tha'd tawk abaat crackin nuts if tha'd th' face ache like me. +O-o-o-o-h! aw believe th' top o' mi heead's commin off! Aw dooant +expect +onny sympathy, but connot ta gie me summat to ease me a bit? If tha +doesn't awst goa ravin mad." "Onny body to lissen to thi ud fancy tha +wor that already. Which side is it on?"</p> + +<p>"It isn't th' aghtside tha may be sewer. O-o-o-o-h! its like +drivin a +nail into mi heead."</p> + +<p>"Tha mun goa an get it pool'd."</p> + +<p>"Pool'd! what pool'd? They can do me noa gooid wi poolin +unless they +pool mi heead off, an aw dooant think tha'd shed a tear if tha'd to see +me come walkin hooam wi it under mi arm!"</p> + +<p>"Why, aw dooant know what use it ud be to thi under thi arm, +but it's +been varry little use to thi under thi hat. But aw'll see what aw can +do +for thi if tha'll have a bit o' patience."</p> + +<p>"Patience! All reight, lass. Aw'll ha patience. Dooant hurry +thysen +whativver tha does. Tha'd better goa an have a bit ov a tawk wi awr +Hepsabah, an tak Jerrymier for a walk befoor tha starts. It may be th' +deeath ov his gronfather, but that meeans nowt."</p> + +<p>"Ther's nubdy wants thee to dee, for tha'd be worth less then +nor tha +art nah, if sich a thing could be. Nah, here sithee,—ther's a +nice +little oonion aw've rooasted, an tha mun let mi put it i' thi earhoil."</p> + +<p>"Will that do onny gooid thinks ta?"</p> + +<p>"We can nobbut try. Tha knows a sheepheead an oonion is allus +gooid."</p> + +<p>"Mally,—when tha wor poorly aw shed tears ovver +thee."</p> + +<p>"Well, if tha did, ammot aw sheddin tears?"</p> + +<p>"Eeah, but its pillin that oonion at's made em come. Tha'll be +sooary +for this someday. Ooooh!"</p> + +<p>"Nah, tha'll see that'll gie thi a bit o' ease. Keep this warm +flannel +to th' side o' thi face wol aw mak thi a pooltice."</p> + +<p>"Doesn't ta think aw owt to have summat i'th inside as weel?"</p> + +<p>"Aw've heeard say at a dooas o' oppenin physic is a varry +gooid thing, +an aw've some tincture o' rewbub at aw gate for Jerrymier."</p> + +<p>"Then let Jerrymier have it! aw'll have nooan sich like muck! +Can't ta +think o' summat else?—summat warm an comfortin like."</p> + +<p>"Aw can mak thi a sup o' mint teah. That's a varry gooid thing +aw +believe."</p> + +<p>"Tha knows mint teah nivver does for me. Ha does ta think a +drop o' warm +whisky an watter, withaat sewger ud do? It isn't nice takkin, but when +its for physic aw can put up wi it."</p> + +<p>"If tha thinks it'll do thi onny gooid aw'll slip aght an get +thi a +tooithful."</p> + +<p>"If it wor nobbut a tooith at wor botherin me, tha might gie +me a +tooithful, but when its mi whooal heead, a pint 'll be little enuff."</p> + +<p>"Keep still just whear tha art, an aw'll fotch thi some, for +unless aw +do aw dooant think tha'll let me have a bit o' sleep."</p> + +<p>Sammywell sat varry still an Mally wornt varry long befoor +shoo wor +back, an as sooin as shoo could shoo made him a glass booath strong an +hot, an considerin at it wor baght sewger, he tuk it varry weel, tho' +he +did pool a faal face after he'd getten it daan.</p> + +<p>"Nah, aw'll mak thi a gooid big bran pooltice at'll goa all +ovver thi +heead, an then tha mun get to bed, an then aw'll tak a drop o' whisky +to +awr Hepsabah's husband, for he's fair made up wi a cold."</p> + +<p>"Tha mun do nowt o'th sooart. Ther isn't a war thing for a +cold nor +whisky; all th' doctor's 'll tell thi that. If he's getten a bad cold +mak him some mint tea. Ther's nowt better for gettin him onto a sweeat. +An aw think if aw wor thee aw wodn't bother abaat that bran pooltice +wol +we see ha th' whisky goas on. Awm sewer aw feel a bit easier bi nah. Aw +think aw'll creep up to bed, an awd better tak th' bottle up wi me for +fear it should come on agean, an aw'll leeav thee to mak th' mint teah, +an be sewer tha doesn't stop long, for aw connot rest withaat thi."</p> + +<p>He went to bed an Mally made a jugful o' strong mint teah an +tuk it to +Hepsabah's, an when shoo coom back an went up to bed, Sammywell wor +asleep.</p> + +<p>"He must ha had another tarrible pain," sed Mally, "for th' +bottle's +empty, but he's saand asleep nah."</p> + +<p>When Mally wakkened i'th mornin, Sammywell wor still asleep, +soa shoo +gate up as quietly as shoo could, an tuckt him in nice an comfortable, +an went daan-stairs to get a bit o' braikfast ready.</p> + +<p>"Aw know he likes a sup a teah,—an aw'll mak him a +bit o' nice buttered +tooast an cook him a Yarmoth Blooater, an may-be he'll feel a bit +better +after he's getten that into him, tho' sometimes aw think he hardly +desarves it, for he does try me sometimes wol aw think he's ommost spun +me to th' length. But what can aw do? He's nooan what yo call an ill +en, +but he's soa aggravatin. But aw've nubdy to blame but misen, for aw've +spoilt him ivver sin aw had him an awst ha to tak th' consequences. If +ivver aw get wed ageean aw'll begin as aw meean to go on. But, A'a dear +o' me! whativver am aw tawkin abaat! An old gronmother like me thinkin +abaat gettin wed ageean! But ther are times when sich thowts will get +into a body's noddle, for aw once heeard a chap say, at a chap does +live +sometimes till he's to old to be wed, but a woman nivver. But aw +needn't +trouble misen wi thinkin abaat sich things for he's nooan deead yet nor +likely to be; an if he wor aw dooant know whear aw could ivver get +another to suit me as weel. If aw could nobbut taich him a bit o' +sense, +an get him to behave as a chap ov his years owt to do it ud be +different, tho' aw do believe aw should feel lost withaat him."</p> + +<p>"His braikfast's all ready nah, an aw'll tak it to bed to him, +an if +he's wakkened up in a daycent temper aw'll have a tawk to him."</p> + +<p>Sammywell had just wakkened when shoo went in wi it. "A'a! +Mally, lass," +he sed when he saw his braikfast, "Aw dooan't know whativver aw mud do +but for thee!"</p> + +<p>"Is thi heead onny better?"</p> + +<p>"Aw nivver felt better i' mi life. It's a shame to put thee to +all this +trubble, for aw could ha getten up to it."</p> + +<p>"It's noa trubble, Sammywell, an aw wodn't care owt abaat +trubble if +tha'd nobbut try an behave thisen, an net spaik to me i'th way tha +does. +Awm sewer sometimes, when tha gets into one o' thi tantrums aw feel as +if ther wor nowt left for me to live for. If tha'd nobbut try to reform +a bit,—if tha'd be as tha used to be forty or fifty year sin, +aw should +be th' happyest woman within saand o'th taan hall chimes. Get that into +thi an tha'll happen feel better. Aw mun goa becoss its weshin day, an +aw've an extra wesh, for awr Hepsabah's sent all Jerrymier's clooas at +he's worn for this last fortnit, an he does mucky a seet o' brats an +stuff."</p> + +<p>"Jerrymier agean! What the duce has ta to do wi weshin +Jerrymier's +clooas! Let her wesh em hersen. Aw've just studden this wol awm +stall'd!"</p> + +<p>"Thear tha goas agean! If onnybody says a word to thee tha +flies off in +a passhion. Aw know what awr poor Hepsabah has to do an tha doesn't. +Tha'd nivver ha gooan on like that when we wor wed at furst."</p> + +<p>"Noa! but ther wor noa Jerrymier then!"</p> + +<p>"Ther'd ha been noa Jerrymier nah if it hadn't ha been for +thee. Tha +cannot get ovver th' fact 'at tha'rt his gronfather. But aw mun be off +for standin tawkin to thee willn't get th' clooas weshed."</p> + +<p>"It's a drop o' rare gooid teah is this,—aw wonder +if shoo's mixed it +hersen, if net shoo should allus buy at that shop. Aw dooant think +ther's a chap onnywhear 'at's a better wife nor aw've getten, an aw +can't help thinkin sometimes at aw dooant treeat her just as aw owt to +do. Aw think it's abaat time aw altered things. Shoo wants me to +reform, +an do as aw used to do when we wor wed at furst. Well, aw can hardly +manage that, but aw remember th' time 'at aw used to mak a gooid bit a +fuss on her, an used to spaik moor lovinly like. Awm blessed if aw +dooant try it on agean! If a little thing like that'll suit her, shoo's +worthy on it an shoo shall have it. Aw've had a gooid braikfast, an aw +could ha supt a gallon o' that teah if awd had it.—It's th' +weshin day, +an aw used to give her a help sometimes, an aw'll do it agean."</p> + +<p>When Sammywell gate daan staars th' place wor full o' steeam +an th' +smell o' sooapsuds, but he didn't put on his hat an goa aght, but he +crept up cloise beside her an slippin his arm raand her waiste, he sed, +"Mally, lass, connot aw help thi a bit?"</p> + +<p>"What are ta up to nah! Aw know thy tricks ov old! Tha thinks +tha can +put thi hand i' mi pocket an tak th' last shillin we have i'th haase! +But awm too old fashioned for thi. Ger aght o' this hoil or aw'll claat +thi ovver thi heead wi this blanket!"</p> + +<p>"Nay, lass, aw dooant like to see thee tewin like this an me +dooin nowt, +let's help thi a bit."</p> + +<p>"It's little aw'll gie for sich help as thine! If tha comes +here to +reckon to help me, tha'll want payin for it twice ovver."</p> + +<p>"Why, Mally love, if tha'll gie me a kuss aw'll turn th' +wringin machine +for thi wol tha's done."</p> + +<p>"Sammywell,—aw want thee to luk me straight i'th +face an tell me what +tha's had to sup this mornin an whear tha's getten it?"</p> + +<p>"Aw've had nowt but that drop o' teah tha browt up stairs."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw dooant want to say tha'rt a stooary teller, but aw +can think +what aw like."</p> + +<p>"Nah, Mally love——"</p> + +<p>"Ger aght o' this hoil, gurt softheead! If tha comes near me +wi onny o' +thi 'Mally loves,' aw'll throw this bucket o' watter ovver thi! Tha'rt +a +fooil thisen an tha thinks awm one, but tha'll find thisen mistaen. +After been called 'Old Towel' an 'Blow Broth' an 'Old Nivversweeat,' to +say nowt abaat names at awd be ashamed to mention—it's +rayther too lat +i'th day to try an come ovver me wi thi 'Mally loves.'"</p> + +<p>"But awm baan to reform, awm net gooin to call thi sich names +onny moor, +an if tha'll nobbut let me help thi, Mally love——"</p> + +<p>"Aw'll gie thi 'Mally love!' Aw suppooas tha thinks aw havn't +enuff to +do, soa tha mun come here to aggravate an hinder me all tha can!"</p> + +<p>"Tha shouldn't ha claated me across th' chops wi that weet +hippen,—that's noa way to help a chap's reformation."</p> + +<p>"Aw'll hit thi wi summat harder nor that if tha doesn't put on +thi hat +an ger aght. It's noa use thee tawkin' to me abaat reformin', for it's +too lat on i'th day. If it wor possible to mak thi into a daycent chap +ther's nubdy'd know thi. Even little Jerrymier coom in tother day to ax +for thi becoss he wanted to goa for a walk, an when aw tell'd him tha +wor up stairs, he sed, 'Is mi grondad reight in his heead to-day?' Even +he knows thi!"</p> + +<p>"Aw've done wi Jerrymier for ivver an aw hooap tha'll nivver +mention his +name agean in a haase o' mine."</p> + +<p>"This haase is mine as it happens, an awst nivver ax thee +whose name +aw've to mention. A'a! awd be ashamed o' misen if aw wor like thee, +comin an makkin a bother like this th' furst thing in a mornin."</p> + +<p>"Aw didn't want to mak onny bother,—aw wanted to +help thi, Mally love, +but——"</p> + +<p>"Ger aght o' this hoil or' aw'll mash th' peggy ovver thi +heead! Tha +gurt maddlin! Tak this shillin an goa an see if tha can mak thisen a +bigger fooil nor tha art!"</p> + +<p>"Well, aw'll tak it, tho' aw had meant to help thi a bit, but +it seems +tha'rt too thrang to help a chap wi his reformation. Gooid bye, Mally +love, an——" But he just managed so slip aght o'th +door i' time to miss +th' foir shool at shoo flung at his heead.</p> + +<p>"Aw'll put off reformin an tryin to act like aw used to do; +for aw get +noa encouragement. Its noa use tryin to suit a woman for it cannot be +done. Aw see nowt for it but to goa on i'th same old way, an after all, +old fowk can nivver be young agean. Well, ther's one +comfort,—shoo's +gein me a shillin. Vartue is its own reward."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Sheffield_Smook" id="Sheffield_Smook"></a>Sheffield +Smook.</h2> + +<p>Mister Sydney Algernon Horne, wor a weel to do chap, as yo'll +gather +thro' his name, for parents dooant give ther child sich fine names +unless thers a bit o' brass behind em. If owd Horne, Sydney's feyther, +had been a poor warkin man, he'd ha called th' lad Tom, or Bill, or +happen Mike; but as he wor a gentleman, wi Bank shares, an Cottage +haase +property, he dubbed th' lad Sydney Algernon as aw've telled yo. Aw +think +its nobbut reight at aw should tell yo at this rewl abaat names doesn't +allus hold gooid, for ther's a mucky, dirty nooased, draggle-tail'd +lass +lives up awr yard, wi frowsy hair at couldn't be straightened wi nowt +short ov a cooambin machine; shoo hasn't a hawpney to bless hersen wi, +an yet shoo's called Victoria Hujaney, after th' Queen o' these lands, +an Ex-Empress o'th French.</p> + +<p>But aw must get on wi mi tale, or else yo'll happen be thinkin +'at awm +nivver baan to tell it. Mister Sydney Algernon Horne faand hissen an +orphan at three an twenty year owd, an th' owner o' all th' Bank Shares +an th' Cottages, besides th' haase he lived in, which wor a varry nice +one wi a big garden, an situated, as th' advertisements says, in the +mooast salubrious pairt o' Sheffield.</p> + +<p>He knew a deal o' fowk at Sheffield—fowk like him wi +a heap o' brass; +an bein a single man, an furst-rate company, he wor welcomed i' all th' +big haases, a deeal moor heartily nor mooast o'th' readers o'th' Clock +Almanac wod ha been. Young men made him welcome, becoss he could tell a +gooid stooary an sing a song wi onny on em. Faythers an mothers o' +marriageable dowters wor fain to see him, i' hopes at he'd be smitten +wi +th' charms o' Matilda Charlotte or Ethel Maude,—but th' +lasses thersens +wor fainest to see him, becoss he wor nice lukkin, an could tawk soft +to +em, an he used to squeeze ther hands when he wor sayin "gooid bye," soa +gently, at he used to mak em ivvery one think at he wor dyin ov love +for +em.</p> + +<p>But Sydney wor too wide awake to be catched easy; he wor varry +happy an +comfortable as a bachelor, an as he'd a gooid idea at i' mooast cases +it +wor his brass an not him at they wanted, he steered clear o' all th' +traps at they set for him; an when th' Kursmis parties wor all ovver, +he +wor still single—an they'd none on em getten noa forrader wi +him when +winter coom agean, an put a stop to Lawn Tennis an Croquet Parties.</p> + +<p>But yo know it says i' th' gooid owd Book at it isn't "gooid +for a man +to dwell alooan"—an aw suppoas it isn't, for someha or other, +sooiner +or later mooast young chaps get dropt on, an Sydney wor noa excepshun +to +th' rewl. Aw'll tell yo hah it wor.</p> + +<p>One snowy neet, at abaat six o'clock he wor gooin hooam to his +dinner, +(for swells yo must know ha ther dinners at th' time at respectable +warkin fowk ha ther teahs)—He wor just passin a dark lane +end, when he +heard a woman's voice singin aght "Help! Help!"</p> + +<p>He cut up th' rooad as fast as he could, an abaat twenty yards +thro' th' +corner, he seed a regular offal lukkin feller strugglin wi a young lady +under a gas pooast.—As sooin as th' ruffian seed Sydney +commin, he +bolted ovver a wall, in a way at showed at it worn't th' furst time at +he'd takken to his heels to save hissen a thrashin.</p> + +<p>Ov cooarse as sooin as th' danger wor ovver, an ther wor noa +need o' owt +o't sooart, th' young lady swooned away—an it tuk Sydney all +his time +to bring her raand, in fact it worn't until he'd kissed her two or +three +times, at shoo begun o' commin to her senses.</p> + +<p>As sooin as shoo wor able to walk, he assisted her hooam, or +at least to +th' haase wher shoo wor visitin. On th' way shoo tell'd him at they +call'd her Mabel Mothersdale, that shoo wor stayin a wick or two wi +some +friends, an that shoo'd just slip aght to pop a letter into th' pillar +box, when th' tramp attack'd her.</p> + +<p>Sydney went next day to ax hah shoo wor.—Shoo wor +varry fain to see +him—an th' friends shoo wor stayin wi made a big fuss ov him, +an axd +him to stay dinner. He stayed ov cooarse.</p> + +<p>Th' next day he called wi a piece o' music 'at he'd been +tellin em +abaat—th' day after he went wi some tickets for a grand +concert ther +wor baan to be i' Sheffield—an what wi one excuse or another, +he seed +her ivvery day—an ivvery neet when he doffed his clooas an +gate into +bed, he felt moor i' love wi Mabel nor he had done th' neet befoor.</p> + +<p>At last th' day coom for her to goa back hooam to Brummagem, +where her +father lived, an when Sydney called to say "gooid bye" to her, he tuk +th' opportunity when they wor left aloan for abaat five minutes, to ax +her to marry him. Mabel wor a sensible lass, ho knew a reight chap when +shoo seed one, soa shoo sed at shoo'd wed him wi pleasur if he'd get +her +father's consent.</p> + +<p>"Mother's been deead these six years," shoo sed, "but befoor +shoo deed +aw promised her faithful at aw'd nivver marry nubdy withaat mi father +wor agreeable."</p> + +<p>Sydney kussed her an sed he wor quite content an he'd goa daan +to +Brummagem next Tuesday, an ax her father on th' Wednesday mornin, an as +he wor weel to do i' money matters, noa daat ther'd be noa difficulty +i' +gettin th' owd feller to have him for a son i' law.</p> + +<p>Soa Mabel went hooam wi a happy heart, an caanted th' haars +wol next +Wednesday, when shoo'd see her dear Sydney Algernon ageean.</p> + +<p>Nah as aw tell'd yo befooar, Sydney wor a reight nice young +feller—he +wor as steady as a clock, an nubdy couldn't say nowt ageean him, nobbut +for one thing, an that wor he'd getten an idea into his heead, at he +couldn't possibly live baat bacca—mornin, nooin an neet, he +wor hardly +ivver withaat awther a pipe or a cigar in his maath, an tho' fowk +tell'd +him at he smooked a deeal too mich, it wor noa gooid.</p> + +<p>"Aw couldn't live baat a bit o' bacca," he used to say, "an +when th' day +cooms 'at aw may'nt smook, aw shall'nt care ha sooin they shut me up in +a box, an cart me off to th' burryin graand."</p> + +<p>Soa yo can easy imagine 'at wi sich sentiments as these, he +didn't +leeave off smookin as ha fowk tawked. At last Tuesdy coom, an as th' +best train for Brummagem left at five o'clock in th' afternooin, Sydney +decided he'd goa by that; an as its a longish gait, ov cooarse he tuk +jolly gooid care to have plenty o' smookin materials wi him.</p> + +<p>When he gate to th' stashun, he faand aght to his disgust, 'at +th' only +reekin hoil on all th' train wor full, soa he gate into another +carriage +an decided to mak that into one, for he'd getten some slips o' paper in +his pocket wi "_Smookin_" on, soa as he could stick one on if it wor +required, haivver has nubdy else got in wi him, he didn't bother abaat +puttin th' slip up. At last th' train started an glided aght o' th' +leeted stashun into th' darkness aghtside, for it wor winter time, an a +thick muggy afternooin, soa he lit his pipe an started readin a "Clock +Almanac" at he'd bowt—an what wi readin th' stories, an +thinkin abaat +ha sooin he'd see Mabel, an fillin his pipe, he didn't nooatice where +he'd getten too; when all ov a sudden th' train started gooin slower an +slower, an finally stopt at a bit ov a road-side stashun, abaat as big +as one o' them hot pay hoils whear lads caar ov a neet to spend ther +coppers in.</p> + +<p>As it wor a express he knew it didn't owt to stop there, an +just as he +wor wonderin what ther wor to do, th' door wor oppened an a little owd +gentleman wi spectacles on, wor tumbled into th' same compartment whear +he wor, an a leather bag wor shoved in after him—a porter +touched his +hat an shaated aght "All reet!" th' door wor slammed too, th' whistle +blew, an th' train started off agean.</p> + +<p>"Phew! Yor smookin, sir!" sed th' owd chap as sooin as he'd +getten his +breeath an lukt raand.</p> + +<p>"Eah!" sed Sydney, showin a cigar at he'd leeted not a minnit +befooar.</p> + +<p>"Aw insist on yor puttin it aght instantly," sed th' owd +feller.</p> + +<p>Sydney wornt used to bein ordered abaat like this, soa he sed:</p> + +<p>"Oh, yo insist on it, do yo, owd buffer, but suppooas aw +dooant put it +aght, what then?"</p> + +<p>"But you shall put it aght, an at once too," he went on, +gettin varry +red i' th' face, "do yo think at aw shall submit to be poisoned wi yor +vile, disgustin tobacca smook? sich men as yo should ride in a cattle +truck or a dog box—tho' if yo wor in there yo'd be taichin +th' cawves +an puppies bad habbits—Owd buffer, indeed! I'll have yo +fined, sir."</p> + +<p>"Nah dooan't yo get raggy," sed Sydney, poolin aght his cigar +case, an +leetin another; "if aw have to be fined aw mud as weel have summat for +my brass," an he moved an sat on a seat in front o'th owd chap, an +puffed aght o' both cigars as fast as he could, wol he made sich a reek +i'th hoil at th' lamp up aboon lukk'd like a full mooin on a misty neet.</p> + +<p>"Awm a director on this line," th' owd beggar gasped, "an aw +insist on +yor desistin the smookin at once, sir."</p> + +<p>"A director are yo? awm fain to see yo, aw've often wanted to +ax one o' +ye gentry ha it is at th' trains is soa unpunctual on this line?"</p> + +<p>Th' owd chap jumped up an run to th' winder, an let it daan, +an started +tryin to find th' cord to stop th' train, but bi gooid luck he'd getten +to th' wrang side o'th carriage, an while he wor botherin to find th' +rope, Sydney opened th' t'other winder an stuck one o'th' slips wi +"Smookin" on it, on th' aghtside oth' pane, an then he sed:</p> + +<p>"Aw insist on yo closin that winder, sir, th' draught annoys +me, as +aw've getten a bad cowd."</p> + +<p>Haivver th' owd chap wodn't shut it, he kept his heead aght an +cought, +an it worn't till he catched seet o' Sydney sharpenin a gurt jack-knife +on his booit, at he wor flayed into cloisin it. Nah it soa happened at +only that varry afternooin, th' owd feller had been readin ith' paper, +abaat a man havin escaped throo a mad haase somwhear or other, an it +struck him at Sydney must be th' varry chap, soa he wor in sich a funk +'at he didn't know whativver to do, but he thowt th' best thing wod be +to keep as still as he could, an not vex Sydney, soa he sat daan as +quiet as owt an sed nowt.</p> + +<p>"Are yo fond o' mewsic?" Sydney axt.</p> + +<p>"Varry," sed th' owd chap.</p> + +<p>Soa Sydney started wavin his jack knife abaat, an bellowin a +song aght +o' tune, abaat Buffalo Bill, an huntin buffalos in th' wilds o' +Kensington, an he stuck a verse in abaat scalpin Railway directors. In +th' meeantime th' train wor gooin along at a gooid rattle, for they wor +lat, an th' driver wor makkin up time, soa th' carriage started o' +swingin a bit. Th' owd feller thowt he mud say summat to try an mak +Sydney forget abaat scalpin directors, soa he sed:</p> + +<p>"Dooant yo think this trains gooin quickly, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Aw wish it wod goa twenty times faster, aw wish it wod goa a +thaasand +times faster," sed Sydney, wavin his arms abaat, "aw wish it wod goa +bang into another train an smash this carriage all inter smithereens."</p> + +<p>"Why, if it did yo'd be killed!"</p> + +<p>"Awd dee gladly ony day," Sydney answered, "if aw could only +know at a +Director wor killed too."</p> + +<p>An soa they went on, Sydney dooin all kind o' mad things, he +even +insisted on th' Director smookin three whiffs ov a cigar; but at last, +like ivverything i' this world, th' journey coom to an end, an they +glided into th' station at Brummagem.</p> + +<p>As sooin as ivver th' train stopt, th' Director jumpt aght, an +called +for a porter, "Get that gentleman's name," he sed, "he's been smookin +in +this carriage."</p> + +<p>Sydney wor sittin quite calmly, wi' hawf a cigar in his maath, +an th' +porter sed,—</p> + +<p>"Have yo been smookin, sir?"</p> + +<p>"Ov coorse aw have, cannot yo see mi cigar, this is a smookin +carriage, +luk thear"—an he pointed to th' label on th' winder.</p> + +<p>Th' porter couldn't do anything when he seed that, but th' +Director sent +for th' stashun maister, an made an awful shindy; he sed 'at Sydney wor +mad, an ha he'd threatened him wi' a knife, an aw dooant know what +beside—but Sydney wor soa polite, an whispered to th' Stashun +maister, +"at he thowt th' owd feller had had too mich to sup, for he'd been +smookin hissen as they could easy find aght if they smell'd his +breeath."</p> + +<p>Soa th' Stashun maister sed he couldn't do owt, as it wor a +smookin +carriage, soa Sydney wor allowed to goa to th' Hotel, leeavin 'em to +feight it aght as they liked.</p> + +<p>Th' last thing he thowt ov that neet befooar he fell asleep +wor, ha +Mabel wod laugh next day when he telled her abaat it.</p> + +<p>Next mornin when he'd had his braikfast, he donned hissen up +smart as a +chap owt to do when he's gooin a cooartin, an set off in a cab to +Mabel's father's haase.</p> + +<p>Th' lass wor lukkin aght for him, an after a bit o' kussin an +huggin (as +is suitable at sich times) Sydney sed he mud as weel see her father an +get it ovver.</p> + +<p>"He's in th' library," sed Mabel.</p> + +<p>"Nah for it," Sydney sed, as they stood aghtside th' door, +"gie me +another kuss, lass, to keep me up to th' mark, an eh! aw've sich a joke +to tell thi abaat afterwards."</p> + +<p>Mabel kussed him ageean, an then shoo oppen'd th' door an +walked in, wi +Sydney followin behund feelin varry uncumfortable, for its noa joke aw +can tell yo axin an owd gentleman to gie yo his dowter.</p> + +<p>Mister Mothersdale wor sittin at a table, writin a letter, +when they +went in an he didn't luk up till Mabel sed:—"Papa, dear, this +is Mister +Horne, th' gentleman I told yo abaat, who protected me from that +ruffian +i' Sheffield, who tried to rob me."</p> + +<p>He lukked up, and Sydney felt like to sink into his booits, +for if it +worn't th' varry owd chap at he'd travelled in th' train wi' th' neet +befooar.</p> + +<p>Nah tho' Sydney knew th' owd chap in a crack, by gooid luck +Mabel's +father hadn't his glasses on, soa he didn't mak him aght at furst.</p> + +<p>"Awm varry fain to mak yor acquaintance, sir," he sed, "my +dowter has +towd me ha kind yo wor i' Sheffield, an aw wish to thank yo for it."</p> + +<p>Sydney wor soa flayed ov th' owd feller rememberin his voice, +'at he +shoved a hawpny into his maath befooar he spake, an then he +sed:—"Aw +didn't do much awm sewer, Sir. It wor nowt at all."</p> + +<p>"Have aw ivver met yo befooar," Mister Mothersdale axt, "aw +seem to know +yor voice?"</p> + +<p>"Net as aw know on," Sydney answered, feelin at he wor in for +a +thunderin lot o' lyin.</p> + +<p>"Mister Horne's niver been i' Brummagem befooar," Mabel sed.</p> + +<p>"It's varry strange," th' owd man went on, as he put his specs +on, "aw +seem to know yor voice soa weel, an dear-a-me yor face reminds me ov +sumdy but aw cannot tell who."</p> + +<p>Nah Sydney wor dressed quite different thro what he had th' +neet +befooar, an while Mabel's father wor puzzlin his heead abaat it, Mabel +sed "Aw showed yo a photograph o' Mister Horne, papa, praps that's it?"</p> + +<p>"That must be it," Sydney sed, jumpin at th' idea soa sharp, +at in spite +o'th hawpny he had in his maath, he spoke quite nateral like; an though +th' owd feller couldn't believe 'at this nice gradely lukkin young man, +could be th' same as th' madman he'd travelled wi' th' neet befooar, +th' +idea coom into his heead, an th' moor he lukked, th' moor certain he +grew.</p> + +<p>"Can yo sing," he axed.</p> + +<p>"Awm a varry poor singer," Sydney sed.</p> + +<p>"Soa wor th' chap last neet," thowt owd Mothersdale, but Mabel +put in, +"Oh! Papa he sings as beautifully as Sims Reeves."</p> + +<p>"Then it couldn't ha been him," thowt her father, an then he +axt:</p> + +<p>"Do yo know a comic song at awm varry fond ov, abaat Buffalo +Bill +scalpin Railway Directors in th' Wilds o' Kensington?"</p> + +<p>Mabel laft, an Sydney tried to laff too, as he sed:—</p> + +<p>"Aw nivver heeard ov it befooar, but if yor fond ov it, aw'll +try an get +it an sing it for yo."</p> + +<p>Th' owd man wor baan to ax some mooar questions when Sydney +thinkin it +wor time to change th' subject, sed:—"Aw've come, Mr. +Mothersdale, to +ax if yo've onny objections to"—he'd quite forgetten abaat +his voice +ageean, an when he gate that far, Mabel's father begun o' beein quite +sewer i' wor th' madman, an he stuck in wi:—"Do yo happen, +Mr. Horne, +to have a big knife abaat yo, for aw want one for abaat hawf a minnit?"</p> + +<p>Sydney wor just baan to bring aght his Jack knife, but he +remembered +just i' time, soa he sed, "Noa, awm sorry aw haven't, but Mister +Mothersdale wod yo have onny objections to Mabel an me keepin company? +Awm weel off, aw've a gooid hooam to tak her to, an awm sewer aw can +mak +her happy."</p> + +<p>Nah ivvery word at Sydney sed made owd Mothersdale mooar sewer +at he wor +th' chap at he'd coom daan i'th train wi th' neet afooar. He wor +awfully +riled abaat it yo may be sewer, for if ther wor one thing on earth at +he +couldn't abide it wor th' stink o' bacca, an he'd been varry near +smooared i' that railway carriage. But wol he wor as mad as a hatter +abaat it, he remembered at he'd heeard Mabel say 'at this Mister Horne +had heaps o' brass, soa he thowt he'd say no mooar abaat th' neet +afooar, but let him wed th' lass, an tak a revenge aght ov him some +other way.</p> + +<p>Soa he started jawin away, as these better class fathers does, +abaat ha +he couldn't bide to part wi his dear Mabel, an soa on; but when Sydney +tell'd him abaat his Bank shares, an th' cottage haase property, he +sooin gave in.</p> + +<p>"Well," he sed wi a sniff, as if he'd getten a bad cowd in his +heead, +"if yo booath on yo love each other soa mich, aw willn't stand in th' +road o' yor happiness, but ther's one little request aw must ask yo to +grant me, Mr. Horne, in return for my dowter?"</p> + +<p>Sydney wor soa sewted at th' way things wor gooin, at he +blurted aght, +"awst be glad to promise owt yo like to ask, sir."</p> + +<p>"Awm a member o' th' Anti-tobacca Society," sed th' owd beggar +chucklin +to hissen, "an aw hooap yo dooant indulge i' smookin or snufftakkin?"</p> + +<p>"Aw do smook a little, sir, but varry little."</p> + +<p>"Then, ov cooarse as its soa little, yo willn't object to give +it up in +order to win Mabel's hand?"</p> + +<p>Poor Sydney, he'd nobbut had three cigars that mornin, an he +wor fair +deein to get aght an have a smook, but ther didn't seem noa escape, soa +wi a sigh, he sed:—"Varry weel, sir, aw'll give it up."</p> + +<p>Owd Mothersdale grinned, an thowt ha nicely he wor payin him +off for th' +neet befoor, then he shoved a sheet o' paper across th' table, an +Sydney +wrote on it that he promised nivver to smook no mooar wol th' owd chap +consented.</p> + +<p>"Aw shall nivver consent," sed Mr. Mothersdale, "haivver it +doesn't +matter. Nah, Mabel, gie me a kiss, an then yo an Mister Horne can run +away an talk things ovver."</p> + +<p>Mabel kissed him, an went away wi Sydney, but when shoo axed +him +afterwards what th' joke wor he'd promised to tell her, he pretended +he'd forgetten.</p> + +<p>They wor wed at Midsummer, an Sydney kept his word abaat +smookin—he +started chewin, an suckin owd empty pipes, but it worn't like smookin, +an whenivver he smelt th' reek ov a cigar it fair set him longin, but +like a man owt to do, he didn't braik his promise.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 12.5em;">————————</span><br> + +<p>Abaat a year after, when they wor baan to cursen th' babby, +Mabel's +father wor ax'd to th' ceremony. Mabel wor vexed at Sydney couldn't +smook, becoss shoo knew ha fond he wor on it, soa th' afternooin her +father wor expected, shoo sed, "we'll cure papa ov his dislike to bacca +smook, or else we'll get him to let yo smook ageean."</p> + +<p>"Hah'll yo do it, lass?"</p> + +<p>"Wait an see," shoo sed, "yo shall smook a pipe to-neet."</p> + +<p>He wondered ha it wor to be done, an at fower o'clock shoo +sent him off +to th' stashun to meet her father.</p> + +<p>When they gate back th' whole haase wor full o' bacca smook, +in bedrooms +an passages, on th' steps, in th' sittin rooms, ther wor thick white +claads ov it.</p> + +<p>"Oh, dear-a-me," sed Mr. Mothersdale, "whativvers this? Sydney +yo've +brokken yor promise, an been smookin?"</p> + +<p>"Aw haven't," Sidney sed, "nivver a whif hav aw smook'd sin +th' day aw +promised."</p> + +<p>"Noa," Mabel sed, "we've faand a better way nor that, we're +booath fond +o'th reek o' bacca, soa we get a fumigatin thing aght o'th greenhaase, +and burn bacca in it, it sents all th' haase i' noa time, an saves +Sydney all th' trubble o' puffin away at pipes an cigars."</p> + +<p>He felt he wor done—he couldn't live i' sich a smook +as that, soa he +tell'd Sydney at if he'd keep his smookin aght o'th raich o' his nooas, +he could start when he liked, providin they wodn't use th' fumigator +noa +mooar.</p> + +<p>Sidney slipt aght into th' back garden, an smook'd what he +thowt wor th' +best cigar he'd ivver had in his life; an as it says in stooary books +"they all lived varry happy ivver afterwards."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Awr_Lad" id="Awr_Lad"></a>Awr +Lad.</h2> + +Beautiful babby! Beautiful lad!<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Pride o' thi mother and +joy o' thi dad!</span><br> + +Full ov sly tricks an sweet winnin ways;—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Two cherry lips whear a +smile ivver plays;</span><br> + +Two little een ov heavenly blue,—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Wonderinly starin at +ivverything new,</span><br> + +Two little cheeks like leaves of a rooas,—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An planted between em a +wee little nooas,</span><br> + +A chin wi a dimple 'at tempts one to kiss;—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Nivver wor bonnier babby +nor this.</span><br> + +Two little hands 'at are seldom at rest,—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Except when asleep in +thy snug little nest.</span><br> + +Two little feet 'at are kickin all day,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Up an daan, in an aght, +like two kittens at play.</span><br> + +Welcome as dewdrops 'at freshen the flaars,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Soa has thy commin +cheered this life ov awrs.</span><br> + +What tha may come to noa mortal can tell;—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We hooap an we pray 'at +all may be well.</span><br> + +We've other young taistrels, one, two an three,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But net one ith' bunch +is moor welcome nor thee.</span><br> + +Sometimes we are tempted to grummel an freeat,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Becoss we goa short ov +what other fowk get.</span><br> + +Poverty sometimes we have as a guest,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But tha needn't fear, +tha shall share ov the best.</span><br> + +What are fowks' riches to mother an me?<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All they have wodn't buy +sich a babby as thee.</span><br> + +Aw wor warned i' mi young days 'at weddin browt woe,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At labor an worry wod +keep a chap low,—</span><br> + +'At love aght o' th' winder wod varry sooin flee,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When poverty coom in at +th' door,—but aw see</span><br> + +Old fowk an old sayins sometimes miss ther mark,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For love shines aght +breetest when all raand is dark.</span><br> + +Ther's monny a nobleman, wed an hawf wild,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At wod give hawf his +fortun to have sich a child.</span><br> + +Then why should we envy his wealth an his lands,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tho' sarvents attend to +obey his commands?</span><br> + +For we have the treasures noa riches can buy,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An aw think we can keep +em,—at leeast we can try;</span><br> + +An if it should pleeas Him who orders all things,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To call yo away to rest +under His wings,—</span><br> + +Tho to part wod be hard, yet this comfort is giv'n,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We shall know 'at awr +treasures are safe up i' Heaven</span><br> + +Whear no moth an noa rust can corrupt or destroy,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Nor thieves can braik +in, nor troubles annoy.</span><br> + +Blessins on thi! wee thing,—an whativver thi lot,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tha'rt promised a +mansion, tho born in a cot,</span><br> + +What fate is befoor thi noa mortal can see,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But Christ coom to call +just sich childer as thee.</span><br> + +An this thowt oft cheers me, tho' fortun may fraan,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tha may yet be a jewel +to shine in His craan.</span><br> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Grimes_Galloway" id="Grimes_Galloway"></a>Grimes' +Galloway.</h2> + +<p>"It's noa use, Sammywell,—aw dooant knaw ha tha +feels, but aw can +assure thee 'at aw dooant feel so young as aw used to do. When aw wor +twenty years younger tha allus set off bi thisen an left me to mooild +amang it th' best way aw could; but nah, when tha knows 'at aw can +hardly put one fooit afoor tother tha wants me to goa for a walk. Its +weel enuff for thee to climb ovver hills an daan dales, becoss thi +limbs +are limber—thanks to me for takkin care on thi as aw have +done. It's +miserable for me to caar ith' haase all bi misen, an thee wanderin +abaat +as tha does, an hardly ivver turns up except at meal times, an net +allus +then. If tha'd ha takken moor nooatice ov what aw've sed to thi i' +years +gooan by, we could ha been ridin in a carriage ov us own nah. It is'nt +at aw've onny desire to show off, but aw think when fowk get to my age, +an have tew'd as aw've done, they're entitled to some ease an comfort. +But aw suppooas aw'st nivver know what rest is until awm under th' sod."</p> + +<p>"Aw think tha must ha been aitin summat 'at's disagreed wi +thi, owd +lass, for tha's done nowt but grummel this last two-o'-three days. Tha +caars i'th' haase too mich. Tha sees tha connot ride a bicycle, an +tha'd +hardly like to be seen ridin in a wheelbarro, or else awd trundle thee +abaat for an hour or two ivvery day, an awr Hepsabah's peramberlater +wod'nt hold thi, if it wod it ud find Jerrymier summat to do an keep +him +aght o' mischief. Then ther's plenty o' tram-cars, but tha allus says +tha feels smoor'd when tha rides i' one o' them, soa awm fast what to +do +amang it."</p> + +<p>"Dooant bother thisen.—Aw'st get a ride one o' theas +days as far as th' +cemetary, an aw shall'nt hav long to wait unless things alter pretty +sooin."</p> + +<p>"Well, what wod ta advise me to do?"</p> + +<p>"It's too lat on ith' day for thee to come to me for advice. +Do thi own +way, but when tha's lost me tha'll miss me,—mark that. Tha'll +nivver +find another to do for thi as aw've done."</p> + +<p>"Aw hooap net,—but aw hav'nt lost thi yet, an aw +dooant want to. But +aw've just getten a nooation! Awm capt aw nivver thowt on it befoor! +Aw'll goa see abaat it this varry minnit! Tha shall be reight set up +this time. Just have a bit o' patience, an aw'll be back in an haar's +time."</p> + +<p>"Thear tha gooas agean! If aw say a word to thee tha flies off +after +some wild goois eearand an manages to mak thisen into a bigger fooil +nor +tha art. Tell me what tha meeans to do?"</p> + +<p>"Aw'll tell thi all abaat it when aw come back, an aw weant +belong."</p> + +<p>"Well dooant goa an get owt to sup. If tha'rt detarmined to +have it, buy +some an bring it hooam wi thi, for aw believe tha spaiks trewth when +tha +sed aw'd getten summat at disagreed wi me, for mi stummack's been varry +kittle for a day or two."</p> + +<p>"All reight, lass! Keep thi pecker up, an aw'll bring thi +raand all +reight." An Sammywell set off.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 13.5em;">——————</span><br> + +<p>"Aw wish aw'd nivver spokken," sed Mally, as shoo watched him +pass th' +winder. "He's getten that bankbook in his pocket, an he'll as sewer goa +an squander some moor brass as he's livin. He isn't fit to be trusted. +He meeans weel enuff, but he's soa simple. Net but what ther's war nor +him if yo knew whear to find 'em, an aw believe he tries to do his +best, +but that isn't mich to crack on. Hasumivver, aw mun put up wi it, soa +aw'll get thi drinkin ready, for he sed he wod'nt be long."</p> + +<p>It didn't tak her long befoor shoo'd made as temptin an +comfortable a +meal as onny reasonable chap could desire, an then shoo set daan to +wait +wi as mich patience as shoo could. Darkness wor creepin on an shoo'd +ommost getten stall'd o' watchin th' clock, when ther wor a queer +grindin sooart ov a noise aghtside, an in another minnit Sammywell come +in.</p> + +<p>"Nah, lass! Tha sees aw hav'nt been varry long an aw've browt +thi +summat. Bring a leet an have a luk at it."</p> + +<p>"Whativver is it?" shoo sed, as shoo coom to th' door wi a +cannel in her +hand. "Whativver has ta getten?" shoo sed, as shoo walked raand it.</p> + +<p>"Aw've bowt this galloway an little carriage soas aw can drive +thi aght +whenivver th' weather's fine."</p> + +<p>"Whativver wrangheeaded trick will ta be guilty on next!"</p> + +<p>"Why, tha wor grummelin abaat net bein able to get aght o' +door, an aw +bethowt me at old Swindle had this for sale, soa aw've bowt it."</p> + +<p>"An nicely he's swindled thee aw've noa daat. But are ta sewer +it is a +galloway? Becoss aw wodn't believe what he says if he went onto his +bended knees."</p> + +<p>"Well, what does ta think it is? Tha can see at it's nawther a +elefant +nor a camel."</p> + +<p>"Well, lad,—it may be all reight, but aw should want +somdy else to say +soa. It luks varry poorly aw think, luk ha white it is ith' face."</p> + +<p>"That's th' color on it. It ails nowt an tha'll say soa when +aw drive +thi aght ith' mornin."</p> + +<p>"Thee drive me aght, does ta say? Nay, lad, aw've moor respect +for misen +nor that! What does ta think awr Hepsabah an th' naybors wod say. But +it'll do for Jerrymier. But whear are ta baan to put it?"</p> + +<p>"Aw've getten a place to keep it, an if awther Jerrymier or +his mother +dar to mell on it, they'll know abaat it."</p> + +<p>"Tha need'nt freeat,—ther'll nubdy be ovver anxious +to mell ov a thing +like that. If tha'd bowt a donkey an cart an started hawkin cockles and +muscles or else leadin coils ther mud ha been some sense in it. But tak +it away an come in an get thi drinkin an dooant stand thear lukkin as +gawmless as that article. Off tha gooas an tak it wi thi, an if it +lives +wol mornin tha can show it to Jerrymier an ax him whether it is a +galloway or net. It luks as if it had coom aght o' Noah's Ark, tho if +awed been Noah aw should ha let that thing have a swim for it."</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt th' mooast provokin, dissatisfied, ungrateful woman aw +ivver +met! Awm in a gooid mind to drive away an nivver coom back!"</p> + +<p>"If tha depends on that whiteweshed umberella-stand tha wodn't +be far to +seek. But tha'd better hand me that bankbook, for fear tha should leet +o' onny moor curosities, an we're nooan gooin to goa into th' show +trade. Nah away wi thi."</p> + +<p>Grimes drove off an Mally went into th' haase.</p> + +<p>"What a silly owd maddlin he is. Just to think at he should +goa an wear +all that brass o' me. Awr Hepsabah 'll be fair ranty. But then it's his +own brass an he's a reight to spend it as he thinks fit, an aw know +ther +isn't another body ith' world but me at he'd ha bowt it for. Aw think +aw +nivver saw a bonnier little thing, but it'll be time enuff to tell him +soa when he's cooild daan a bit. Aw have to keep him daan a bit or else +he'd sooin be too big for his booits. That's his fooit. When he's had a +cup o' this teah, an had theas muffins (aw bowt em a purpose for him) +he'll leet his pipe an sattle daan, an aw can sooin bring him raand if +he's as mad as a wasp. Aw'st nivver be able to sleep to-neet for +thinkin +abaat yon'd pony an th' drive aght ith' mornin."</p> + +<p>When Grimes coom in he wor lukkin varry glumpy.</p> + +<p>"Come thi ways, an get theas muffins wol they're +hot,—they're fresh off +th' beckstun an that butter's come reight off th' farm an its as sweet +as a nut."</p> + +<p>Sammywell sed nowt, but as th' teah began to warm him an th' +muffins wor +just to his likin his face seemed to clear a bit, an when shoo handed +him his second cup, he wink'd at her, (he couldn't help it.) "This is a +drop o' gooid teah, lass, an aw think aw nivver had grander muffins."</p> + +<p>"Aw've tried to suit thi. Has ta fed that galloway an left it +comfortable for th' neet?"</p> + +<p>"As comfortable as it desarves! But aw did'nt know 'at a +whiteweshed +umberella-stand wanted makkin comfortable."</p> + +<p>"Aw know its all reight for tha hasn't a heart i' thi belly to +hurt a +flee. What time does ta intend to start off i'th mornin."</p> + +<p>"Mak thi own time. But aw thowt tha didn't care to goa."</p> + +<p>"It's what aw've been langin for for years, an tha knows, +Sammywell, if +aw do say a word nah an agean at doesn't just suit thi, its becoss tha +aggravates me. If tha'd treeat me as a wife owt to be treated, aw +should +nivver utter a wrang word."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha artn't th' only one i' this haase at gets +aggravated +sometimes, but we'll say noa moor abaat it. Try an bi ready bi ten +o'clock i'th mornin, an we'll start aght if its fine."</p> + +<p>"But tha doesn't feel cross abaat it, does ta lad."</p> + +<p>"Cross, behanged! If aw tuk onny nooatice o' what tha says, aw +should +allus be cross. Let's get to bed."</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 14.5em;">——————</span><br> + +<p>Next mornin Mally wor soa flustered wol when Grimes coom in to +his +braikfast after lukkin to th' galloway, her hands tremmeld soa at shoo +could hardly teem aght his teah.</p> + +<p>But shoo managed to get donned at last, an Sammywell browt th' +galloway +an th' little trap to th' door, an he felt a bit narvous too, for it +wor +th' furst time he'd ivver driven aght wi his wife, but he wor praad to +do it, an his pride kept him up.</p> + +<p>They wor i' hooaps o' gettin off withaat Hepsabah an th' +naybors gettin +to know, but it wor noa use. Sombd'y seen th' galloway, an when +Sammywell helpt Mally into her seat, they wor all aght.</p> + +<p>Hepsabah stood thear, wi a babby o' awther arm, an Jerrymier +at her +side, an as they rode past, shoo put on as humble a luk as shoo knew +ha, +an dropt a curtsey, an sed "Gooid mornin, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes, +Esquire." +Then shoo brast aght laffin an all th' naybor wimmen waved ther approns +or towels or owt else they could snatch howd on, an cheered em wol they +gate aght o'th bottom o'th fold.</p> + +<p>They tuk th' shortest cut to get aght o'th busy streets, an +they worn't +long befoor they coom to whear ther wor green fields on booath sides +o'th rooad. It wor a grand day, an they sed little for a while, for +they +wor booath feelin varry happy, an they lukt it.</p> + +<p>Old as they wor, an i' spite ov all th' ups an daans they'd +had, they +felt like sweethearts agean, an if they couldn't luk forrad to th' long +enjoyment ov monny pleasures, they could luk back wi few regrets, an +hearts full ov thankfulness for all th' blessins they'd had an +possessed.</p> + +<p>"Aw nivver thowt, Sammywell," sed Mally, after a bit, "at aw +should +ivver live to ride i' mi own carriage an pair."</p> + +<p>"Why, lass, awm pleased if tha'rt suited. But tha can hardly +call it a +carriage an pair."</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant see why net. Its a varry nice little carriage is +this an awm +sewer th' galloway an thee mak a gooid pair, for aw should tak yo to be +booath abaat th' same age, an th' same complection to nowt, except for +thi nooas; an yo nawther on yi ivver hurried yorsen mich or seem likely +to do; but aw think if aw wor thee awd get aght an shove behind a bit, +its a pity to see it tewin up this hill, an its puffin like all that."</p> + +<p>"Well, let it puff! If ther's onny shovin to be done tha'll ha +to tak +thi share on it. We'll stop at yond haase at top o'th hill an then wol +we get a bite an a sup, Fanny can rest a bit."</p> + +<p>"Who's Fanny?"</p> + +<p>"That's th' galloway's name."</p> + +<p>"Then it'll have to be kursend ovver agean."</p> + +<p>"Ha's that?"</p> + +<p>"Dooant thee think 'at aw forget. It wor Fanny Hebblethwaite +at wor +allus hankerin after thee until we wor wed, an for some time after. +Aw've had enuff o' Fannys. We'll call it Jerrymier."</p> + +<p>"But its a mare tha sees."</p> + +<p>"Well then, we'll call it Jimmima."</p> + +<p>"Let's mak it Jenny an ha done wi it."</p> + +<p>"Owt'll do but Fanny. Shoo wor a impotent hussy. Aw wonder +what becoom +on her?"</p> + +<p>"Aa! shoo's been deead aboon a duzzen year?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, well then—tha can call it Fanny."</p> + +<p>They did enjoy thersen that day an noa mistak, an monny a day +after, an +they're lukkin forrad to monny a pleasant little time.</p> + +<p>Th' naybors have getten used to seein em nah an have noa +desire to poak +fun at em.</p> + +<p>Jerrymier has takken a big fancy to th' galloway, an oft gooas +an +gethers it a basket full ov sweet clover, an when Grimes an Mally arn't +using it, Hepsabah an her babbies have a drive throo th' park, +Jerrymier +acting as th' cooachman.</p> + +<p>Th' galloway knows its getten a gooid hooam. It wants for +nowt,—Mally +taks gooid care o' that. It's one to be trusted an it knows its way +abaat. Some day yo may see an old galloway, pullin a little carriage +containin an old man an woman;—all three on em saand asleep, +an yo can +rest assured at that's Grime's an Mally an ther Galloway.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="True_Blue_A_Romance_of_Factory_Life" id="True_Blue_A_Romance_of_Factory_Life"></a>True +Blue; A Romance of Factory Life.</h2> + +<p>Susy was only twenty-two, and she had been a widow for over +twelve +months. She had married when only nineteen, a honest hard working man +who was more than twice her age. There had been no love in the match, +so +far as she was concerned;—she was an +orphan,—poor,—lonely, and +pretty.</p> + +<p>She was only a weaver, and not very expert, yet she managed to +make +sufficient to pay her board and to keep herself well dressed, for the +position she occupied, and her beauty,—for she was very +beautiful, and +her natural taste enabled her to present an appearance so much superior +to those with whom she was in daily contact, that many envied her, and +some looked askance at her, and shook their heads, and predicted evil +to +come.</p> + +<p>Some one had dubbed her 'the Factory Belle,' but she never +resented what +many would have considered insults or slights, but kept on in her own +innocent, yet attractive and attentive way, and commanded a certain +amount of respect even from those who were secretly her enemies.</p> + +<p>No one would for a single moment suspect that she was a widow, +for not +only was she so young, but looked even younger. That her husband had +worshipped her was not difficult of belief, and that she had been to +him +a kind, fond wife was indisputable;—her gratitude for his +kindness and +his self-sacrifices to secure her happiness had been such, that if she +did not love him with the blind infatuation of youth's fond dream, she +respected him, and he was first in her then unawakened affections.</p> + +<p>When he was suddenly stricken down with a fell disease which +was at that +time ravaging many of the towns in the West Riding, she nursed him +faithfully, and when he died,—holding her little white hand +in his +brown, brawny fist, she shed the bitterest tears that had ever dimmed +her beautiful blue grey eyes.</p> + +<p>After the last sad rites were over, she had disposed of the +household +furniture, which was all he had been able to leave her, and paid every +claim that was presented, finding herself once more alone, and +dependent +on her own exertions for a living.</p> + +<p>She had plenty of sympathizing friends, and more than one +would +willingly have provided for her in the hope that at some future time +they might win her for themselves, but she was of a very independent +spirit and preferred to depend on her own efforts to provide for her +wants.</p> + +<p>She had no difficulty in obtaining employment at the weaving +shed where +she had worked before her marriage; and right welcome did her fellow +workers make her, and the look of sadness which for a time clouded her +face, though it did not detract her from her beauty,—by +degrees cleared +off,—her eyes sparkled as before,—the bloom came +back to her velvet +cheeks and her lips curled again into the bewitching smile that suited +them so well, and with her added years, were developed charms that she +had not possessed before.</p> + +<p>Her swelling bust accentuated her tapering waist, and her +beautifully +rounded arms, her well shaped, small hands,—her graceful +carriage, all +combined to produce a perfect specimen of Yorkshire female lovliness.</p> + +<p>Where hundreds were employed, it was not to be expected she +would lack +admirers. She had many,—many more than she even imagined.</p> + +<p>Though almost faultless in face and figure, yet she was not +without some +faults.</p> + +<p>She knew she was beautiful, and she was vain. Much of her +apparent +artlessness was assumed. She was pleased to be admired, and felt +gratified to see the effect of her glance, as she favoured one with a +languishing look, and another with a haughty stare, or a wicked, +sparkling, mischief loving gleam,—transient on her part but +fatally +permanent on susceptible hearts.</p> + +<p>In her own heart she had never felt love,—she had +never sounded the +depths of her own nature;—she was as yet a stranger to +herself.</p> + +<p>Amongst others, who were ever ready at her beck and call were +two young +men,—both about her own age.—They are both dead now +or this story +would not have been written. We will simply speak of them as Dick and +Jack. One was the overlooker under whom she worked, this was Dick, a +prime favourite with the masters, and a clever, honest chap he was.</p> + +<p>Jack was known as "Th' oiler," his duty being to attend to the +long +lines of shafting and revolving pullies. Much of his work, especially +the more dangerous part of it, had to be performed whilst the engine +was +stopped.</p> + +<p>Never were known two truer friends than Dick and Jack. After +working +hours they were seldom separated. They worked together in the little +allotment garden which they jointly rented. Even the pig was a +partnership concern. Although they were friendly with all they came in +contact with, they never made any other special friendships. They were +satisfied to be with each other and so confidential were they, that +they +each lived in the other's life.</p> + +<p>Nicknames were common at that day, and Dick was generally +spoken of as +"True Blue," because of his unswerving integrity. Jack had to be +content +with the less euphonious title "Th' oiler."</p> + +<p>They were neither of them blind to Susy's charms, and +admiration blended +with pity, and pity, where a beautiful woman is concerned, is likely to +lead to something else. They often spoke of her to each other, but it +was the only subject on which they ever conversed, that they were not +entirely open and honest about. Dick's position gave him many +opportunities to be near Susy, and it was remarked that her loom seemed +to require more attention than any other under his surveillance.</p> + +<p>Susy, with that quick instinct which all women seem to be +possessed, saw +that he was at her mercy. But she loved her liberty. She had tasted +such +bliss as married life could offer,—so she thought, and she +preferred to +feel free to smile on whom she pleased. She was virtuous, and kind, +after a fashion, but she was fast becoming a coquet,—a flirt. +In her +little world she was a queen, and the homage of one did not satisfy +her. +Hearts were her playthings,—they amused her, and she liked to +be +amused.</p> + +<p>One day, during the dinner hour;—she had brought her +dinner to the +mill, which was her invariable custom, as the house where she lodged +was +a considerable distance from the works;—she was sitting in a +retired +corner in an adjoining room, when looking up she saw Dick standing +close +by her and regarding her with such a longing, yet troubled look, that +although she laughed, and was about to make some flippant remark, she +checked herself, and made room on the little bench for him to sit.</p> + +<p>"Why, Dick," she said, as he took his place beside her, +"what's to do? +Has th' boiler brussen, or are we going on strike?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, Susy, its summat moor serious nor that. Aw thowt aw +should find +thee here. Aw hope tha arn't mad at aw've come."</p> + +<p>"What should aw be mad for? Tha's as mich reight to be here as +me,—an +if it comes to that aw suppooas we've nawther on us onny business here +an aw think aw'll be gooin."</p> + +<p>"Net just yet, Susy;—stop a minnit,—aw've +summat to say. Its varry +particlar. Can't ta guess what it is?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know unless tha'rt gooin to find fault abaat mi +piece, an awm +sewer aw've done mi best wi it, but yond warp's rotten."</p> + +<p>"Its nowt abaat thi wark, its moor important to me nor all th' +wark i'th +shed. O, Susy, awm sewer tha must know what aw want to say. Tha connot +be blind, an tha must know at awm fonder on thi nor o' onnybody i' all +this world. Tha knows ha bonny tha art, an tha knows tha's nobbut to +put +up thi finger an tha can have onny single chap i'th shop, but, believe +me, Susy,—ther isn't one at can ivver love thi as aw love +thi. Aw'll +work for thi throo morn to neet, an tha shall be th' happiest woman +i'th +world if its i' my paar to mak thi soa. What says ta? Aw willn't hurry +thee if tha wants time to think abaat it,—but tell +me,—is ther +onnybody at tha likes better?"</p> + +<p>"Why, Dick, tha's fairly knockt th' wind aght o' me. Tha +sewerly forgets +at awm a widdy. A young chap like thee doesn't owt to be lukkin after +widdys, when ther's soa monny single young lasses abaat waitin for +chaps."</p> + +<p>"It'd mak noa difference to me if tha wor a widdy twenty times +ovver. +Tha'rt th' grandest woman aw ivver met, an if aw ivver do wed it'll be +thee. Come, nah, tell me,—we havn't mich time befoor th' +engine starts. +Is ther onnybody tha likes better nor me. Spaik aght. If ther is aw'll +bide it as weel as aw can, an aw'll nivver trubble thi agean."</p> + +<p>"Noa, Dick, ther isn't. That's gospel trewth. Ther's nubdy +livin at aw +like better nor thee, an aw dooant know another aw like as weel, but +tha +knows when it comes to weddin, it mun be summat moor nor likin th' next +time. It'll have to be lovin. An aw dooant love thee weel enuff, but aw +may leearn to do, but tha mun gie me time."</p> + +<p>"Yond's th' engine startin, aw mun be off;—an bless +thi for what tha's +sed. Aw'll mak misen worthy on thi, an tha shall love me at th' finish."</p> + +<p>That afternoon Dick seemed to be walking on air. His face was +flushed, +and his heart beat until his voice was so unsteady that those who had +to +speak with him eyed him curiously. As he passed Susy's loom she gave +him +a look so full of love and sympathy that it required an effort to pass +on to his other duties.</p> + +<p>When the day's work was ended, he waited, as was his custom, +for Jack, +though he would much rather have gone home alone. He felt selfishly +happy, and he wanted to nurse his secret where no eye could read his +exultation. It was a something sacred,—too sacred to be +shared even +with Jack.</p> + +<p>As they walked along, they saw Susy tripping away, some +distance in +advance.</p> + +<p>"Yond's Susy, aw see," said Jack. "Aw could tell her +onnywhear. Shoo +doesn't walk like th' rest on em. Aw wonder if shoo'll ivver think +abaat +gettin wed agean."</p> + +<p>"That's a matter at we've nowt to do wi. Aw suppooas shoo'll +pleas +hersen," said Dick, in a tone that fairly startled Jack.</p> + +<p>"Summat must ha gooan wrang wi' him at his wark," thought +Jack, and they +walked along, only now and then giving utterance to some common place +remark. Dick's conscience accused him. He felt that he possessed a +secret that Jack could not share. There was a rift in the lute. Perfect +confidence had ceased to exist between them. Why should it be so? he +asked himself. Jack has committed no fault. Had the case been reversed +he felt sure that Jack would have confided in him. Ah, but Jack could +never love her as he loved her! Nobody could ever love her as he loved +her! Nobody! Days and weeks went by, and it was a hard time for Dick. +Sometimes he was in the seventh heaven of delight, and again he was +plunged in the depths of misery and despair.</p> + +<p>Susy seemed just as frivolous as ever. His declaration made no +difference in her. She dispensed her smiles as impartially as ever, to +all appearance unconscious that every favour bestowed on another was a +stab to Dick, but however full of resentment he might feel, a sidelong +glance which seemed so full of meaning to him banished his discontent +and he accused himself of unreasonable jealousy.</p> + +<p>The coldness between the two friends seemed to increase, yet +they went +to work together as usual, but conversation flagged and only +indifferent +subjects were touched upon. Dick had still unbounded faith in Susy, and +although he could not but see that she avoided him, he accounted for it +owing to the respect she still felt for the husband she had lost, and +to +the seriousness of making a second matrimonial venture.</p> + +<p>One day, during the dinner hour, something seemed to impel him +to see +her and plead with her once more. He knew where she was to be found, +and +was proceeding to the place, when he heard her voice. He was screened +by +some huge bales of yarn, and he could hear what she said distinctly.</p> + +<p>"Its varry kind o' thee, Jack, to tak pity on me,—aw +like thee weel +enuff, in fact ther's nubdy aw like better, but when aw wed agean it +mun +be moor nor likin, it will have to be love. Aw may leearn to love thi +yet, but tha mun gie me time."</p> + +<p>Dick could wait to hear no more. Retracing his steps +noiselessly, he +went out into the open air. Could it be true? Had his ears deceived +him? +Was it possible that the beautiful woman on whom he had lavished all +the +first love of his life could be capable of playing with him in such a +fashion? Jack was his rival! He was a sycophant! a hypocrite! a villian!</p> + +<p>How the afternoon passed he could not tell. He kept as far +away from +Susy as his duties would allow, and at night he walked home alone.</p> + +<p>Next day he met Jack at the entrance to the works, but he gave +him such +a look of hatred that he stepped aside and he passed without a word.</p> + +<p>Jack was quite unconscious of having done anything to merit +such +treatment, but by degrees, as he reviewed the incidents of the past few +weeks, a light broke upon him;—he saw it all. They were +rivals.</p> + +<p>From that time all intercourse ceased between the two who had +been +deemed inseparable. This gave rise to many remarks from their +acquaintances, not a few of whom guessed the cause.</p> + +<p>Susy seemed quite unconcerned, and smiled as sweetly as ever. +Dick +furtively watched her, and the more he looked, the stronger grew his +mad +infatuation and the deeper became his determination to be revenged.</p> + +<p>He never again intruded himself on Susy's dinner hour, but he +knew that +Jack took every opportunity of seeing her, and the work that he should +have done during the time the machine was standing, he had to hurry +over +when it was in motion. It was a hazardous work;—a single slip +might +lead to a certain and horrible death. But he was experienced and +cautious, and he felt no fear.</p> + +<p>The fire of revenge, always smouldering, was almost daily +fanned into +flame by real or fancied causes.</p> + +<p>Jack went calmly on his way. He regretted the break in their +friendship, +but he could not resign Susy. He hoped all things would come out right +at last.</p> + +<p>A day came, when, as the engine began to set in motion the +innumerable +shafts and wheels and pulleys, which in turn transmitted their mighty +strength over the hundreds of looms,—Dick stood at the end of +the row +of machines that were under his charge. His eyes had a strange light in +them and his face was unnaturally pale, and his hands wandered +unmeaningly over the loom nearest him.</p> + +<p>A scream reverberated through the shed, above all the clatter +of +shuttles and whirr of wheels, and was repeated again, and again. There +was a rush towards one point. The mighty engine stopped with a groan, +and all the wheels were motionless. All the workers had deserted their +posts,—nay,—not all. Dick stood shivering, grasping +an iron bar for +support.</p> + +<p>Susy, stood confronting him. The look in her wonderful eyes +was one that +he had never before seen. No word was spoken. She passed on to join the +throng, and Dick followed like one in a dream.</p> + +<p>"Poor Jack!" "poor lad!" was heard on every hand. The crowd +divided, and +four strong men bore the battered and bleeding form into the private +office. Dick saw it,—he followed close behind it. Outside the +very +sunshine seemed red. He seemed to awake from a dream. There was his +friend,—the friend he had +loved,—nay,—more,—the friend he did love +still. And he? what was he? A murderer:</p> + +<p>No one had accused him;—no one even suspected him. +Yes there was one. +Her eyes still seemed to glare at him with their mute accusation.</p> + +<p>What did he care? She had caused it all. He inwardly cursed +her; and +cursing her loved her more madly than ever. There was no revenge in his +breast now.</p> + +<p>Hastily throwing on his jacket, he followed the ambulance on +which lay +the unconcious body, covered with a sheet through which the blood had +already penetrated. A doctor had been summoned and he said life was not +extinct.</p> + +<p>When the Infirmary was reached, Dick entered, no one attempted +to +intercept him. But when the body was placed in the accident ward, all +but the doctors and nurses were ordered out. Dick paced the corridor +from end to end incessantly. He could not leave until he knew the worst.</p> + +<p>He had long to wait, but at last the doctors appeared.</p> + +<p>"He still lives, but there is no hope."</p> + +<p>And with that terrible sentence ringing in his ear, he had to +leave him.</p> + +<p>When he reached the works again, he found them closed, but a +crowd of +workers were gathered there. He joined them. They were discussing the +terrible accident.</p> + +<p>"Aw saw it," sed one, "aw wor standin cloise to him when th' +ladder +smashed an threw him onto th' shaft. His smock wor catched in a second, +an he wor whirled raand an raand until th' engine wor stopt, and then +he +dropt to th' graand battered to bits."</p> + +<p>"Its ten thaasand pities," sed another, "an aw connot help +thinkin +ther's been some foul play somewhear. Who can ha takken th' brokken +ladder away? That ladder should be examined. Somdy may ha been foolin +wi +it."</p> + +<p>"It does seem strange," said several, "but mooast likely it'll +turn up."</p> + +<p>They soon began to scatter, and Dick went homewards. The +ladder! Who +could have taken the ladder? The tell tale ladder, that bore the +evidence of his guilt.</p> + +<p>Arrived at home, he shut himself in his room and there he sat +through +what appeared to him an eternity of night. He felt no desire to sleep. +Early in the morning found him again at the Infirmary. He questioned a +nurse who was passing.</p> + +<p>"He is quite conscious now, but he cannot hold out many hours. +It is +better he should die, than live a helpless cripple all the rest of his +days."</p> + +<p>"Aw mun see him," he sed, "Do let me see him."</p> + +<p>"That cannot be without the doctor's permission," she said, +but seeing +the frantic grief of the man, she went and brought the doctor's consent.</p> + +<p>Dick was soon at the bedside. He saw only the bandaged head. +The face +was scarcely disfigured, but there was a look upon it that could not be +misunderstood.</p> + +<p>A faint smile played over his pale features, as he recognised +his +visitor. Dick could not speak, but sank on his knees by the bedside and +sobbed as only a strong man can sob.</p> + +<p>"Jack," he sed at last, "can ta forgie me, lad? Aw did it. But +aw wor +mad! The devil had me in his clutches. Awm willin to suffer for it, but +do forgie me. Forgie me for old times sake."</p> + +<p>"Aw knew tha did it, but aw forgie thi freely, for tha didn't +know it +wod end like this. Aw wor to blame for net dooin mi wark when aw should +ha done. Dunnot blame Susy. Shoo's worthy on thi. Shoo tell'd me 'at +all +her heart wor thine, an aw did all aw could to mak thi jaylus. An shoo +wor praad, an when tha seemed to slight her it cut her up, but pride +wodn't let her tell thi what aw've tell'd thi nah. It's hard to leeav +th' world when young, but its mi own fault. Forgie me, Dick, an let me +dee, an may thee an Susy be happy."</p> + +<p>"That can nivver be, Jack. Thear's noa mooar happiness for me."</p> + +<p>There was no response. The eyelids drooped,—the jaw +fell. The nurse who +had stood at a distance, drew near and spread a white napkin over his +face.</p> + +<p>"He's gone. 'Tis better so."</p> + +<p>An inquest was held. "Accidental death" was the verdict.</p> + +<p>The ladder could not be found. Neither Dick nor Susy ever +entered those +works again. They were both sadly altered. After Jack's funeral, months +passed before they met again. What took place when they did meet can +only be surmised. Some short time afterwards their was a quiet wedding, +and they moved to another town. But Dick never recovered his old +spirits, and it was not long before she was a second time a widow.</p> + +<p>When Dick was in his coffin and the men stood by to close it +for the +last time, she placed in it a parcel. It contained two pieces of a +broken ladder, showing where it had been sawn almost in two. This is +all +the story, Susy is living yet. The secret rests with her and me.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="If_aw_wor_a_Woman" id="If_aw_wor_a_Woman"></a>"If +aw wor a Woman."</h2> + +<p>"If aw wor a woman awd——"</p> + +<p>"If tha wor a woman tha'd be a disgrace to ivverybody belangin +to thi, +an thar't little else nah," sed Mally.</p> + +<p>"Aw wor gooin to remark, 'at if aw wor a +woman——"</p> + +<p>"Eah! but tha arn't a woman, an if tha wor tha'd wish thisen a +man +agean, varry sharply. But if aw wor a man awd set a different example +to +what tha does. Aw wonder sometimes what thar't thinkin on, if tha ivver +does think, which awm inclined to daat, unless its thinkin ha tha can +contrive to be awkard an aggravatin."</p> + +<p>"Well, but as aw wor gooin to say, If aw wor +a——"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant want to hear owt tha has to say abaat it. A fine +woman tha'd +mak! But aw wish tha wor foorced to swap places wi me for a wick. Aw +should like to see ha tha'd fancy gettin up befoor dayleet ov a Mondy +mornin an start o' sich a weshin o' clooas as aw have to face ivvery +wick; to say nowt abaat starchin an manglin an ironin. An then to start +an brew a barrel o' ale for other fowk to sup; an then to bake for sich +a family as we've getten,—nivver to mention makkin th' beds +an cleanin +th' hearthstun,—an' th' meals to get ready, an then to cleean +th' haase +throo top to bottom ivvery wick,—an darn th' stockins an put +a claat on +here an a patch on thear, an fifty moor things beside,—an +nivver get a +word o' thanks for it. Aw just wish tha wor a woman for an odd wick. Aw +do, truly."</p> + +<p>"As aw sed befoor, If aw wor a——"</p> + +<p>"Awm capt tha hasn't moor sense nor to keep tawkin sich +foolishness. Tha +knows tha arn't a woman an tha nivver can be,—moor's pity. +But if aw +wor a man awd awther tawk sense or keep mi maath shut. Aw think +sometimes 'at summat 'll happen to thi as a judgment for bein sich an +ungrateful tyke as tha art. Tha gets up in a mornin an finds thi +braikfast ready, an if ther's owt i'th haase at's nice an tasty tha +gets +it; an then tha walks aght to what tha calls thi wark, an comes to thi +dinner, an off agean wol drinkin time, an after that tha awther gooas +an +caars i' some Jerryhoil, or else tha sits rockin thisen i'th front o'th +fair, smokin thi bacca an enjoyin thisen wol bedtime. Ther's some fowk +dooant know when they're weel done to. But aw know who it is 'at has to +tew an slave all th' day, wi hardly a chonce to wipe th' sweeat off mi +face."</p> + +<p>"But, if tha'll lissen, aw wor gooin to remark, If aw +wor——"</p> + +<p>"Tha maks a deeal too monny remarks. Tha'll sit thear, +remarkin an +praichin bi th' haar together, an nivver give me a chonce to get in a +word edgeways. But awm just sick an stall'd o' harkenin to thi. They +wor +a time, years sin nah,—but aw can remember it tho' tha's +forgetten +it,—when tha used to sit an lissen to owt aw had to say, an +my word wor +law then. An if mi little finger warked tha'd hardly be able to sleep +ov +a neet for trubblin abaat it. But it's different nah. Aw dooant believe +it ud disturb thi if mi heead had to tummel off mi shoolders. Aw've +studden a gooid deeal sin aw wor wed to thee, an aw expect aw'st ha to +stand a lot moor; but one thing aw willn't put up wi, an that is, +sittin +an listenin to thee, an havin to keep mi tongue still. Soa tha knows."</p> + +<p>"Well, but if aw wor——"</p> + +<p>"Nah, let it stop just whear it is. Tha's getten a tawkin fit +on aw +know,—aw wonder thi jaws dooant wark. But aw willn't hear +another word! +Noa, net a word!"</p> + +<p>"But if——"</p> + +<p>"Ther's noa 'buts' abaat it! Hold thi noise, do! Tha'd tawk a +hen an +chickens to deeath. Tha wod. Aw wonder if aw shall ivver have a bit o' +peace?—Net befoor awm laid low, aw reckon."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Sammywells_Soft_Snap" id="Sammywells_Soft_Snap"></a>Sammywell's Soft Snap.</h2> + +<p>"What wor yond clatter, Mally? Has somdy been smashin summat?"</p> + +<p>"Nowt 'at meeans mich. It wor a accident an couldn't be helpt."</p> + +<p>"Well, what wor it? Can't ta spaik?"</p> + +<p>"It's nowt at's owt to do wi thee, soa tha needn't let it +bother thi +heead; but if tha'rt soa crazy to know aw can tell thi.—It's +awr +Hepsabah's Jerrymiah at's brokken th' winder i'th weshus. Nah, arta +satisfied?"</p> + +<p>"Satisfied! Now! Satisfied bi gum! Does ta think aw've nowt +else to do +wi mi brass but to buy winders for Jerrymiah to smash? Ha is it awr +Hepsabah can't keep her childer at hooam? When we'd childer we nivver +sent em raand to ther gronfather's to smash winders! An if aw catch +hold +o' that young taistrel aw'll tak th' skin off him!"</p> + +<p>"Hold thi din, gert softheead! Onnybody to hear thi tawk, 'ud +think +tha'd gooan cleean wrang i' thi heead! Bless mi life! tha dosn't think +'at th' child did it on purpose, does ta? He wor nobbut tryin his best +to catch a blue-bottle-fly, an it went into th' winder whear be +couldn't +raik it, soa he sammed up a teacup an flang it at it,—nivver +thinkin +owt abaat th' winder, becoss he knew ha tha hated sich things buzzin +abaat thi heead; but whativver that child does it seems to be wrang. +Aw'd be shamed o' misen to start grumblin abaat a bit ov a tupny-hawpny +winder!"</p> + +<p>"Tupny-hawpny winder! Why, it'll cost a shillin to get that +winder put +in! An what abaat th' teahcup?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, that's nowt. It wor nobbut an owd crackt en. Awd meant +throwin it +away monny a wick sin. Th' child wor sadly trubbled when he saw what +he'd done, for he wor feeard tha'd be cross wi him, but aw tell'd him +to +whisht, for tha wornt to a winder or two, soa tha can give him a hawpny +for spice, (tha knows he thinks a deeal moor on it when it comes throo +thee,) an tha can call at glazers shop an tell em to send a chap up to +put another pane in, an here's sixpence for thisen, sithee, for aw know +thi bacca's ommost done."</p> + +<p>"That's all reight. Ov cooarse th' child didn't meean to braik +th' +winder, nor the teacup nawther,—but he owt to be towt +different; an aw +dooant believe awr Hepsabah knows owt abaat trainin childer as they owt +to be trained. But aw'st send noa chap up here to put that winder in. +Aw've getten nowt else to do an aw meean to put that in misen. Aw can +buy a square o' glass that size, for abaat thrippence, an better glass +nor that wor too. But, Mally, nah this is a bargain;—If aw +get th' +glass an th' putty, and put it in, tha gies me th' shillin th' same as +tha'd gie it onnybody else."</p> + +<p>"Tha can have th' shillin! Aw'm nooan grumblin abaat th' +shillin,—but +aw connot see wot tha wants wi soa mich brass day after day. Ther's +hardly ivver a day passes ovver thi heead 'at tha dosen't ax me for +awther sixpince or a shillin, an awm sewer ther's all tha needs to ait +an drink at hooam, an tha's as gooid clooas to don as onny man need +wish,—an nobbut th' last Sundy, tha axt me for sixpince for +th' +collection, an tha nobbut put in a hawpny, for aw wor watchin +thi.—A'a, +well! but hasumivver, here's another shillin, soa if tha thinks tha can +put it in, goa an get a square a glass an ha dun wi it."</p> + +<p>"'Think aw can put it in?' Aw dooant think owt abaat it! Aw +know aw can +put it in! What does ta tak me for? Does ta think aw havn't th' +strength +an brains enuff to wrastle wi' a bit o' glass like that?"</p> + +<p>"Tha's wrastled wi too monny glasses, Sammywell, sin aw knew +thi, an +they've getten thi daan moor noa once. It's gettin lat i'th' day, nah, +to expect thi to mend mich, but if tha'd nobbut sign teetotal an join +th' chapel, an buy Jerrymier a new Sundy suit, aw think aw mun see +summat to admire in thi even yet."</p> + +<p>"Ther's as mich to admire abaat me as ther is abaat some other +fowk aw +could mention, but aw'll bi off just nah, for when aw've a job to do aw +want to get it done, an net stand hummin an haain abaat it like thee."</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 14.5em;">—————</span><br> + +<p>"Nah, Mally lass. If awd had as mich sense when aw wor young +as aw have +nah, we'st ha been ridin in us carriage. Sithee—aw've nobbut +gien +thrippence for this glass an aw've getten putty for nowt an when that +winder's mended it'll be better nor new an ninepence saved, soa tha +sees +we'st be soa mich i' pocket."</p> + +<p>"Then that's ninepence tha'd nivver ha saved if it hadn't ha +been for +Jerrymier, soa tha connot say he's gooid for nowt onny moor."</p> + +<p>"Ger aght o' mi gate, an lets do summat. Bring me a cheer to +stand on an +a knife an a hammer an a chissel an aw'll show thi ha to put a winder +in, in abaat two or three ticktacks. This is what aw call a soft snap. +Ninepence,—that's threepenoths for abaat three minnits wark. +Nah, thee +stand thear an steady th' cheer. Here gooas!—-- Aw wonder +what dang'd +sooart o' putty that lumpheead used 'at put this winder in. It's as +hard +as iron—Jer-rer-ruselem!"</p> + +<p>"What's to do, Sammywell? Has ta takken th' skin off?"</p> + +<p>"Skin off! Oooo! Aw've ommost takken mi finger off! Get us +some claat an +a length o' threed to lap it up. If aw knew th' chap 'at put that +winder +in, he'd nivver put another in."</p> + +<p>"Ther nah,—be moor careful,—it mud ha been +war,—but tha sees that's +what comes ov a chap startin to do summat 'at he doesn't understand."</p> + +<p>"Understand! What the dickens is ther to understand abaat +puttin a +winder in? It's nooan puttin a winder in at's trubble! it's gettin this +dang'd owd glass aght 'at tother chap put in. But awm nooan gooin to be +likt bi a winder. Stick fast to that cheer. +One,—two,—three——"</p> + +<p>"Nah, tha's done it! Tha's gooan an brokken another pane! Ah +knew tha'd +mak a mullock on it when tha started!"</p> + +<p>"Did ta! Well, aw'll mak a mullock o' thee i' two minnits if +tha doesn't +shut up! Tha sees awm dooin mi best to try to save a penny or two an +tha +does nowt but try to aggravate me. Braikin another pane doesn't amaant +to mich;—they're nobbut thrippence a piece; aw think th' best +plan 'll +be to tak th' sash aght an put it on th' table, an then it'll be easier +to get at. What says ta!"</p> + +<p>"Do as tha likes, but aw think tha'd better let a chap come an +put em in +an ha done wi' it."</p> + +<p>"If aw connot put a winder in we'll do baat. Nah, tha'll see +it's just +as simple as suckin spice, nah 'at aw've getten it whear aw can get to +it. A'a, ther's noa wonder 'at them glazeners gettin rich! Chargin a +shillin for a bit ov a job like this. Awm moor nor hawf inclined to goa +into this trade, as old as aw am. Nah, tha sees, that's all ready for +puttin th' glass in. Umph!—th' chap 'at cut this must ha been +cross +ee'd. Well, nivverheed,—aw guess aw can just squ-e-e-e-e-ze +it in—. +Dang it! it's allus alike! If awd ha cut that glass misen it ud ha just +been reight. Nah it's crackt reight across! But it'll ha to +do,—crackt +or net crackt! Consarn it! aw dooant see what fowk want wi winders in a +wesh haase! awm i' two minds to board th' hoil up an let em wesh i'th +dark. Hasumivver, that's nooan sich a bad job if it'll nobbut stick. If +aw hadn't brokken this tother pane aw'st had done nah. Nah, Mally, +lass, +aw'st want another shillin for this tother winder."</p> + +<p>"Tha'll get noa moor aght o' me. Tha mun buy another square +aght o' thi +ninepence tha's saved."</p> + +<p>"What ninepence?—Does ta expect a chap to goa +trailin abaat th' taan +for a hawf a day buyin glass an stuff, an nivver spendin nowt. These +winders ud cost thi a shillin a piece if onny body else put em in, but +aw willn't be hard on thi,—gie me another sixpence an aw'll +finish th' +job."</p> + +<p>"Aw wish tha'd nivver started it. But this is th' last penny +tha'll get +aght o' me, soa tha knows! Aw nivver saw nubdy frame war i' mi life! +Why, if awd gien awr Hepsabah's Jerrymier th' job he'd ha done it +better +nor that."</p> + +<p>"Wod he?—Well, suppooas tha does give him th' job! +Aw'll tell thi what +it is.—Aw've just studden this sooart o' thing as long as awm +gooin +to.—Ther's awr Hepsabah an her Jerrymiar, an thee, 'at know +ivverything an can do ivverything,—an aw know nowt an can do +nowt, an +awm treeated war nor nowt, an soa yo can just tak them winders an stick +em up as they are, or mend em, or do what the daggers yo like wi em, +but +aw tell thi this, once for all,—'at as long as ivver thy +name's Mally, +tha'll nivver catch me slavin an plannin as aw have done for thee an +thine. If tha'd nivver ha interfered, them winders ud ha been in, but +tha'll nawther put em in thisen nor let me do it—soa awm +gooin aght."</p> + +<p>"Gooid shutness! Th' longer he lives an th' war he gets."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="A_Bashful_Bradfordian" id="A_Bashful_Bradfordian"></a>A Bashful Bradfordian.</h2> + +<p>One wod hardly expect to find a bashful young chap in a +Bradforth +printin office. But ther is one; but aght o' consideration for his +tender feelins aw willn't tell his real name, but call him James +Fearnly. If yo're varry anxious to find aght who it really is, this is +th' way to do it. When yo've a bit o' spare time, if yo connot manage +to +get 'em all together at once, tak 'em one bi one, as yo can catch 'em, +an read this stooary to em. Th' furst one 'at blushes, yo may safely +tak +to be him.</p> + +<p>James fell i' love wi a young woman 'at lived up Manningham +loin, an its +allus been suppooased, bi them 'at know 'em, 'at shoo must ha fell i' +love wi him at th' same time, or sooiner; but hasumivver, to th' +surprise o' ivverybody 'at knew James, they gate wed. Ha they spent +ther +honeymooin aw cannot tell, an aw wodn't if aw could, but after a bit +they gate nicely sattled in a little haase on Thornton Road.</p> + +<p>Angelina was his wife's name, but he cut it short an called +her Angel, +which he varry likely thowt shoo wor. But if he wor bashful, shoo +worn't. Shoo'd a bonny face, an a shape 'at made ivvery old chap 'at +saw +her wish he wor young ageean; an when owt tickled her shoo laft like a +locomotive whistle in a fit; an as for bein +bashful,—why—shoo didn't +know what it meant.</p> + +<p>Shoo'd a sister,—A'a! but shoo wor a grand en! To +tell the trewth, +James had fallen i' love wi her furst, but he wor too bashful to tell +her soa, an he'd nivver ha had pluck to pop th' question to Angelina if +it hadn't been 'at they wor lost at th' back o'th Taan Hall, an he had +to borrow a lantern to prevent 'em runnin agean lamppooasts.</p> + +<p>But when they'd getten sattled, Maude Blanche, (that wor th' +sister's +name,) coom to pay em a visit. Nah, Maude Blanche wor just as fond o' +fun as James wor feeared on it, an shoo kept jabbin him between th' +ribs, an sayin all sooarts o' queer things, an axin him questions 'at +he +couldn't answer an he blushed until Angelina had to tell her to stop, +for fear all his blooid wod be in his heead.</p> + +<p>Well, they went to bed. James an his wife i' one raam and +Maude Blanche +i'th next. James wor sooin i'th land o' nod, an Angelina felt disgusted +when shoo heeard him snoorin an turned raand an followed his example.</p> + +<p>Ha long they had slept they didn't know, but Angelina oppen'd +her e'en, +an what should shoo see, but th' drawers oppen, an all th' stuff +scattered raand. Shoo gave a skrike, an jam'd her elbow between James's +ribs wi' sich a foorce 'at he fell on th' floor like a log o' wood.</p> + +<p>"Murder! police! thieves!" shoo skriked. "A'a, dear! what +ivver shall we +do! drive 'em aght!"</p> + +<p>"Angelina, aw cannot do it! It's impossible!" an he stood +shivverin an +shakin and tryin to lap his legs up in his shirt tail.</p> + +<p>"Aw've been robbed! That solid goold brooch aw gave fifteen +pence for is +missin, an all mi hair pins an a bobbin o' black threead, and gooidness +knows what else! Maude Blanche! come here! Maude Blanche! does ta hear?"</p> + +<p>"Gooid gracious! tha arn't callin thi sister in here an me i' +this +state!" sed James, an he dived under th' bed.</p> + +<p>"Maude Blanche! _do_ come! Th' hasse is full o' robbers!"</p> + +<p>"For God's sake, Angelina, dunnot let her come in here till +awm donned. +Aw've nowt on but mi shirt, and if shoo comes an sees me aw shall faint +reight off."</p> + +<p>"Shirt be hanged! what does it matter if shoo sees it! shoo'll +have it +to wesh next wick! Tha owt to be 'shamed o' thisen!"</p> + +<p>"Aw am, an aw'st be moor soa if shoo comes in. Does ta know +aw've noa +stockins on, an mi britches is hung ovver th' bed fooit; an this shirt +is a quarter ov a yard to short! Dunnot let her come in whativver tha +does!"</p> + +<p>Just then th' door oppened, an a smilin face peep'd in.</p> + +<p>"What's to do?" axt Maude Blanche.</p> + +<p>"We've been robbed! an that softheead is caarin under th' bed +asteead o' +runnin after th' robbers!"</p> + +<p>"Turn her aght, Angelina! If tha doesn't aw shall sink throo +th' floor. +Gie me mi britches if tha'll do nowt else, an then aw'll see what aw +can +do. Maude Blanche! If tha hasn't forgetten all tha's ivver been towt at +th' Sundy schooil, get aght o' this hoil as sharp as tha can! If tha +doesn't tha'll see what tha'll be sorry for as long as tha lives, for +aw +cannot stand it!"</p> + +<p>Angelina wor soa upset 'at shoo hardly knew what shoo wor +dooin, but +shoo pitched James's britches under th' bed, and Maude Blanche wor +laffin wol shoo had to rest ageean th' bed fooit to steady hersen.</p> + +<p>James tried to put on his britches, but it wor noa easy +matter, but in a +bit he did get his legs into 'em, altho' they wor th' wrang side +before, +an then he crept aght, moor deead nor alive, an a deeal war freetened +wi' Maude Blanche nor he wor abaat th' robbers.</p> + +<p>"Whear's th' robbers?" he sed, lukkin daan at th' slack ov his +britches +an fumblin after th' buttons.</p> + +<p>"Ther's noa robbers," sed Maude Blanche, "it's nobbut a bit o' +my fun. +Aw heeard yo booath snooarin an aw thowt it ud be a gooid jooak to mak +yo fancy somedy'd brokken into th' haase."</p> + +<p>"A'a! did ta ivver!" sed Angelina, turnin to James; "did ta +ivver see +one like her i' all thi life?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant think aw ivver did, an aw nivver want to see owt +like her +agean. Aw wonder if shoo ivver saw owt like me? Aw should think shoo'll +nivver forget it as long as shoo lives."</p> + +<p>"A'a, hold thi wisht! Little things mak noa impression on awr +Maude +Blanche."</p> + +<p>They all went to bed agean, but James couldn't sleep, his +narves had +getten sich a shock. As sooin as it wor dayleet he gat up an dressed an +went to his wark, but he couldn't think o' owt else, an ivvery time he +did think, he blushed soa, wol th' foreman sed he wor sewer he'd getten +scarlet fayver, and advised him to goa hooam an get a hot posset.</p> + +<p>He's workin steady nah, but he's nivver getten ovver th' scare +'at heed +had that neet, an he nivver gooas to bed withaat his britches, or else +he has a newspaper pinned raand th' hem ov his shirt.</p> + +<p>Angelina tells him 'at he maks a deeal o' fuss abaat nowt, but +he +considers it a varry serious matter.</p> + +<p>Last time 'at Maude Blanche paid 'em a visit, shoo wor wearin +a pair o' +green spectacles, an when Angelina axt her what shoo wore 'em for, shoo +sed 'at shoo did it becoss shoo wor feared if shoo lukt at James wi' +th' +naked eye 'at it mud send him into a fit.</p> + +<p>If th' young chaps whear he worked had getten to know abaat +it, they'd +ha plagued his life aght, but they kept it to thersen. It wor Angelina +'at tell'd me abaat it, for shoo sed shoo knew aw could keep a saycret, +an it didn't matter whether aw could or net, for if aw tell'd it, +ther'd +nubdy believe it.</p> + +<p>Well, aw've tell'd it, an it's true an all.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Th_Owd_Owd_Story" id="Th_Owd_Owd_Story"></a>Th' +Owd, Owd Story.</h2> + +It wor th' owd, owd story he towd her,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Th' story, 'at's owder +nor time;</span><br> + +Nowt ivver chap whisper'd wor owder,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Nowt ivver soa grand an +sublime.</span><br> + +For man nivver towd ither story,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Soa chock full ov magic +as this,</span><br> + +For, it shraaded th' young chaps i' glory,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' filled her 'at +listened wi' bliss.</span><br> + +Th' story had wrought sich a wonder<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Noa ither tale ivver has +done—</span><br> + +Two hearts, that afooar wor assunder,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Wor knit i' a crack into +one.</span><br> + +An' still he kept tellin' her th' story,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Which mooar an' mooar +wonderful grew,</span><br> + +(Soa oft its been tell'd its grown hoary,)<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But shoo could hav sworn +it wor new.</span><br> + +Shoo thowt of th' angels above 'em,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Wor jealous o' her, an' +him, then—</span><br> + +For angels has noa chaps to love 'em,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Love's nobbut for wimmin +an' men.</span><br> + +But th' love i' her heart ovvercame her,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' shoo pitied th' +whole angel thrang,</span><br> + +Aw know what love is, an' dooant blame her,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' aw dooant think her +pity wor wrang.</span><br> + +Th' story wor towd, an' for ever<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It wor noa gurt shakes +what might befall;</span><br> + +Nowt but deeath, these two hearts could sever,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' that nobbut partly, +net awl:</span><br> + +For love like one's soul is immortal,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">If its love, it wont +vanish away—</span><br> + +Its birth wor inside o' th' breet portal<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ov Eden, it knows noa +decay.</span><br> + +Sin' then it has lived on, while th' ages<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Has rowled on wi' +uniform flow,</span><br> + +As young, an as fresh, as when sages<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Towd ther sweethearts it +cent'ries ago—</span><br> + +An' chaps 'll be tellin th' story,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Th' breet, owd, owd +story ov love,</span><br> + +When time, an' love, fade inter th' glory<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At streams thro' th' +manshuns above.</span><br> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Jim_Nations_Fish-shop" id="Jim_Nations_Fish-shop"></a>Jim Nation's Fish-shop.</h2> + +<p>Sammywell Grimes an his wife, Mally, wor set anent th' +foir,—Sammywell +seemingly varry mich interested ith' newspaper, an Mally, showin signs +ov impatience, wor darnin stockins. All wor silent except for th' +tickin +oth' clock, wi nah an then a long-drawn-aght sigh throo Mally an an +occasional grunt throo Grimes. At last Mally couldn't stand it onny +longer, an shoo pitched th' stockins on th' table an sed,—</p> + +<p>"Dost know, its just cloise on an haar an a hawf sin tha set +daan wi +that paper, an tha's nivver oppened thi lips to me durin that time? Aw +remember when things wor different. Ther wor a time when tha tuk a +delight i' tellin me all th' news, but latterly tha tells me nowt, an +if +it worn't for Hepsabah an some oth' naybors aw shouldn't know whether +th' world wor gooin on as usual, or it had come to an end."</p> + +<p>"Why, lass,—th' fact oth' matter is ther's nowt to +tell. Aw nivver saw +th' like. Aw dooant know what papers are gooin into, for ther isn't a +bit o' news in em. Aw've just glanced ovver this an aw can find nowt +worth readin."</p> + +<p>"It doesen't tak thee an haar an a hawf to find that aght. Is +ther owt +in abaat th' war?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, war! Aw believe it does say summat abaat th' war. It's +still gooin +on, an one chap has sprained his ankle an another has had a narrow +escape an De Wet is expected to be captured as sooin as they get hold +on +him, an a lot moor sich tales, but they arn't worth thinkin abaat coss +they'll all be contradicted ith' mornin."</p> + +<p>"An does it say nowt abaat that butcher at's run away an left +his wife? +Awr Hepsabah wor sayin shoo believed they'd catched him."</p> + +<p>"Hi! They've catched him, an he wor browt up at th' Taan Hall +this +mornin an he pleaded 'guilty,' soa th' magistrate sed as he'd allus +borne a gooid character he'd give him his choice, an he could awther +goa +back hooam an live wi his wife or goa to quod for three months wi hard +labour."</p> + +<p>"They've let him off easier nor he desarved, but aw should +think his +wife's gien him a bit ov her mind."</p> + +<p>"Nay, net shoo! Shoo's nivver had th' chonce, for he tuk three +months. +Shoo's a tartar aw believe."</p> + +<p>"Shoo must be if that's th' case. A'a, Sammywell,—a +chap at's blessed +wi a gooid wife owt to goa daan on his knees i' gratitude for they're +varry scarce."</p> + +<p>"Aw believe they are;—a chap wod have to goa a far +way to find one at +this day."</p> + +<p>"He'd have to travel a deeal farther to find a gooid +husband,—aw can +tell thi that! An if tha arn't satisfied wi thi wife tha's getten +tha'rt +at liberty to goa an find a better. It's noa use a woman tryin to be a +gooid wife at this day, for they get noa better thowt on. If they did, +tha'd think moor o' me nor tha does!"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant see ha aw could do that, lass, for tha nivver gives +me a +chonce to forget thi unless its when awm asleep, an net oft then, for +if +tha doesn't want one thing tha wants another, an awm allus fain to do +what aw con for thi, but tha'rt nivver satisfied for long together. Aw +wonder sometimes what aw gate wed for."</p> + +<p>"Aw've been wonderin that for a deal o' years. Th' fact is aw +dooant +know what sich chaps live for. If aw wor a man aw should like to be +able +to luk back an think awd done a gooid turn to mi fellow-man."</p> + +<p>"Aw think aw did that when aw wed thee."</p> + +<p>"It wor th' best thing tha ivver did for thisen, an tha knows +it! But +awm net gooin to waste mi time tawkin to thee for tha arn't worth it. +Has ta made up thi mind what tha'rt baan to have for thi supper?"</p> + +<p>"Owt 'll do for me."</p> + +<p>"As tha seems to care soa little abaat it, suppooas tha gooas +withaat +for a change."</p> + +<p>"All reight, lass. Just do as tha likes."</p> + +<p>"Aw connot do as aw like, if aw could aw should have summat to +ait, for +aw've hardly put a bite into mi heead this day, an ther's nowt ith' +haase aw can touch, an awm too tired to goa aght for owt, an aw've +nubdy +to send, soa aw'st ha to do withaat as usual."</p> + +<p>"If tha'll nobbut say what tha wants aw'll fotch it for thi if +its to be +had; tha knows that."</p> + +<p>"Well, if tha doesn't mind. Aw think we could booath enjoy a +bowlful o' +mussles,—but they mun be gooid ens an aw dooant think tha +knows th' +shop. They call th' chap 'at keeps it Jim Nation, but aw dooant know +whear it is, but tha can easy find aght."</p> + +<p>"Willn't onny other shop do just as weel?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, another shop willn't do becoss aw want th' best. We +allus pay +ready brass for awr stuff an aw dooant like to think at other fowk get +better sarved; an when aw went for th' milk this mornin aw heeard +Mistress Whitin tawkin to Widdy Baystey an shoo sed, 'my husband's +getten mussels twice as big sin he went to Jim Nation's shop,' an aw +want some oth' same sooart."</p> + +<p>"Gie me summat to put 'em in," sed Grimes, "aw'st sooin find +it for ther +isn't monny fish-shops i' Bradforth."</p> + +<p>"Well, luk as sharp as tha can," sed Mally, "an be sewer +they're fresh."</p> + +<p>Grimes set off an Mally began at once to get th' table laid +for th' +supper.</p> + +<p>Befoor Grimes had gooan varry far he thowt his wisest plan wod +be to ax +somdy. Soa seein a poleeceman he made enquiries.</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know exactly," sed th' bobby, "but aw fancy ther's +a chap o' +that name keeps a shop somewhere up Manningham way."</p> + +<p>Soa Sammywell set off i' that direction, keepin his een oppen +for a fish +shop. After he'd gooan ommost a mile he sed,</p> + +<p>"Awm a fooil for commin all this way, for if awd nobbut gien +it a thowt +aw'st ha known ther wor noa shop o' that sooart up here. Mi best plan +wod ha been to goa to th' market an enquire thear. They'd be sewer to +know," soa he walked back agean, but he made a few enquiries as he went +along, but nubdy seemed to know.</p> + +<p>Just as he'd getten to Westgate he saw Tom Taggart an he felt +sewer he'd +know, for he seemed to spend his time trailin abaat th' streets.</p> + +<p>"Hallo, Tom!" he sed, "tha'rt just th' chap aw wanted to see! +Can ta +tell me whear Jim Nation keeps his fish shop?"</p> + +<p>"Jim Nation?" sed Tom, rubbin his chin,—"Let me see. +Are ta sewer it's +a fish shop?"</p> + +<p>"Aw should think it is for he sells mussels."</p> + +<p>"O,—hi, tha'rt reight. It is a fish shop. What did +ta say wor th' +chap's name?"</p> + +<p>"Jim Nation."</p> + +<p>"O,—Jim is it? Tha'rt sewer it isn't 'Tom'?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, it's Jim."</p> + +<p>"It isn't Sam Shackleton tha meeans, is it? He sells fish +sometimes."</p> + +<p>"Aw tell thi his name's Jim Nation."</p> + +<p>"O,—well,—then it willn't be Sam +Shackleton. Awm like as if aw know +th' chap tha meeans but aw connot spot him this minnit. Let's goa into +th' 'Star' an mak some enquirements, ther's sewer to be somdy 'll know +him."</p> + +<p>Soa into th' 'Star' they went, an Tom called for a pint for +hissen an +axt Grimes what he wor gooing to have. "We connot come in an goa aght +drymaath, tha knows," sed Tom, soa Grimes ordered twopenoth an paid for +booath. Then they axt ivverybody if they knew whear Jim Nation's fish +shop wor, but altho two or three on em believed they'd seen it, nubdy +could tell whear.</p> + +<p>"We'd better have another drink an sit daan a bit," sed Tom, +"ther'll be +sewer for somdy to come in at'll know."</p> + +<p>But Sammywell worn't havin onny moor o' that sooart, so he +left em. When +he wor aght ith' street ageean, he scrat his heead an sed summat he +shouldn't.</p> + +<p>"What a lumpheead aw am! Why didn't aw goa to ax Mistress +Whitin at +furst, an save misen all this bother?" an he started at once for her +haase.</p> + +<p>He faand her sittin sewin,—for ther's little or noa +trade dooin in a +milk shop after drinkin time.</p> + +<p>"Wod yo be soa gooid, Mistress Whitin, as to tell me whear Jim +Nation +has his fish shop?"</p> + +<p>"Fish shop.—Jim Nation.—Nay, Mr. Grimes, +awm sooary to say aw connot. +It's nowhear abaat here, that awm sewer on. Has he been ith' trade +long?"</p> + +<p>"Well, this is the degger! Aw've happen getten th' wrang name; +but awm +sewer that's what Mally tell'd me. But yo happen willn't mind tellin me +whear yo're husband buys his mussels?"</p> + +<p>"Mussels! My husband nivver buys onny mussels. If he does he +taks em +somewhear else to cook, for we havn't had sich a thing i' awr haase aw +couldn't tell th' time when. Awm feeard on 'em. Yo must be mistakken."</p> + +<p>"Well, ther's a mistak somewhear,—that's a sartanty. +My best plan will +be to goa back hooam an see if aw can get some better information."</p> + +<p>"Tha's been a long time, Sammywell;—had ta onny +trubble to find th' +shop?"</p> + +<p>"Shop! Ther isn't sich a shop! Aw've walked monny a mile an +axt scoors +o' fowk, an my belief is at tha's just been makkin a laffinstock on me. +Mistress Whitin says shoo nivver heeard tell o' sich a chap nor shop +nawther."</p> + +<p>"Then hasn't ta browt onny?"</p> + +<p>"Ha the dickens could aw bring onny when aw tell thi aw +couldn't find +th' shop!"</p> + +<p>"A child o' four year old could goa a eearand better nor thee! +If awd +sent Jerrymier he'd ha browt em an they'd ha been cook't an etten +befoor +nah."</p> + +<p>"Well, it isn't too lat to send Jerrymier yet. But aw tell thi +Mistress +Whitin says ther isn't sich a shop, an they nivver had a mussel i' ther +haase sin they wor born nor for years befoor that!"</p> + +<p>"Ov course shoo'd say soa! That shows th' depth on her. Shoo +wants to +have th' best o' ivverything for hersen. But aw'll goa an see if +shoo'll +tell sich a tale to me. Her's isn't th' only milk shop i' Bradforth, an +aw'll nivver buy another drop on her as long as aw live. An if shoo +doesn't mind what shoo's dooin aw'll put th' inspector onto her, for +its +moor watter nor milk at aw've been gettin thear for a long time."</p> + +<p>Mally threw a shawl ovver her heead an tuk th' basket, an +called for +Jerrymier, so as he could carry it for her, an away they went.</p> + +<p>Mistress Whitin wor sittin just as Sammywell had left her, an +wor runnin +ovver in her mind th' names ov all th' fowk she knew at kept fish +shops. +When Mally stept in shoo didn't nooatice at shoo wor varry excited soa +shoo sed,</p> + +<p>"Come in, Mally;—awm just studyin abaat what yo're +Grimes wor axin me +two-or-three minnits sin."</p> + +<p>"It needs noa studyin abaat. Yo know what he axt yo weel +enuff, but yo +dooant want to tell. Aw've allus takken yo to be a varry different +sooart ov a woman. Didn't aw hear yo, wi mi own ears, tellin owd Widdy +Baystey,—noa longer sin nor this mornin, at sin yor husband +began gooin +to Jim Nations at he gate mussels twice as big as at onny other shop? +Nah, deny it if yo can. Aw dooant see what ther is to laff at nawther."</p> + +<p>"Why, Mistress Grimes, yo've made a sad mistak. Aw wor nobbut +advisin +Mistress Baystey to let her lad,—him at's so +waikly,—to goa th' +Gymnasium. Sin my husband started o' gooin he's twice as strong as he +wor, an th' muscles ov his arms are twice th' size they used to be. Yo +see its been all a mistak."</p> + +<p>It tuk Mally a minnit or two befoor shoo could reckon things +up fairly, +but as sooin as shoo did shoo laft too, an then takkin Jerrymier bith +arm started off to find th' nearest fish shop.</p> + +<p>They hadn't far to goa, but when shoo axt th' chap ha he wor +sellin his +mussels, he stared at her wi' all th' een in his heead.</p> + +<p>"Mussels! Ther's noa mussels at this time oth' year," he sed.</p> + +<p>Mally lukt flummuxt for a minnit, then givin Jerrymier a +shillin to goa +to th' pooarkshop for a duzzen sheep trotters, they sooin landed safely +hooam.</p> + +<p>"Noa wonder tha didn't bring onny mussels, Sammywell, for they +arn't i' +season, but aw've browt summat aw know tha likes. Here Jerrymier, tak +these for thisen, an dooant be long befoor tha'rt i' bed."</p> + +<p>Ha they enjoyed ther supper aw can nobbut guess, an what +explanation +shoo gave Grimes aw dooant know, but Jerrymier an his gronfather wor +laffin fit to split th' next mornin, at th' yard botham.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Bob_Brierleys_Bull_Pup" id="Bob_Brierleys_Bull_Pup"></a>Bob Brierley's Bull +Pup.</h2> + +<p>Bob Brierley had been wed three months. He wor a book-keeper +an a varry +daycent chap for owt aw knaw to th' contrary. His wife wor a nice young +thing, an blest wi a gooid share o' common sense. It seems strange, but +yo'll find its generally th' case, at th' best lasses wed th' biggest +fooils. But this isn't allus soa, for aw wed one o'th best misen.</p> + +<p>Hasumivver, Bob an his wife wor varry happy, at leeast they +thowt soa, +but they had to have a taste o' trubble like th' rest o' fowk.</p> + +<p>They'd noa childer, nor onny signs o' onny, but they had a +bull pup. It +wor a gooid job i' one respect at they had this pup, for if they hadn't +aw should ha been short ov a subject to write abaat.</p> + +<p>Whether it had etten summat at upset it stummack, or whether +it grew +sick o' seein them fondlin an messin wi one another aw dooant know, but +ther's noa daat abaat it bein sick.</p> + +<p>This didn't bother Bob varry mich;—men havn't sich +tender feelins as +wimmin, but Angelina, (that wor wife's name, but her husband called her +Angel) wor i' sooar trubble. Shoo gave it castor oil, an +hippi-kick-yor-Anna, an coddled it up i' flannel, an cried ovver it, an +when Bob coom hooam to his drinkin, an grumeld becoss it worn't ready, +shoo called him a hard hearted infidel.</p> + +<p>Bob didn't quite like it, but seein at shoo wor soa put +abaght, he made +shift wi sich things as wor handy, an then tuk his share o' nursin wol +Angel cook'd a beefsteak for hersen.</p> + +<p>But i' spite ov all they could do, it just fittered once an +gave a +farewell yelp, and deed. It wor a sorrowful neet. Whether they lost +onny +sleep ovver it aw dooan't know, but next mornin Angelina sed shoo'd +"had +its voice ringin in her ears all th' neet, an shoo thowt shoo'd nivver +get ovver th' loss on it."</p> + +<p>"Oh, we'st get ovver it i' time," sed Bob, "it nobbut cost ten +an +sixpence, an when aw get mi wage advanced aw'll buy another."</p> + +<p>Angelina made noa reply to what shoo considered a varry +unfeelin remark, +an for th' furst time durin ther wedded life shoo began to suspect at +Bob wor noa better nor th' rest o' fowk.</p> + +<p>"What mun we do wi th' little darlin?" shoo axt.</p> + +<p>"Why, chuck it i'th middin," sed Bob, an then seein a luk ov +horror coom +ovver her face, "unless tha intends to have it stuffed, or mak sawsiges +on it."</p> + +<p>This wor moor nor Angelina could stand, an sinkin into th' +rockin cheer, +shoo wod ha fainted reight away, but happenin to see th' clock, shoo +saw +it wor time for Bob to start for his wark, an he couldn't stop to bring +her raand, soa shoo had to pospone faintin till another time.</p> + +<p>"Happen awd better bury it i'th garden," he sed, "it willn't +tak a +minnit."</p> + +<p>"E'e! nay!" shoo sed, "aw'll lap it up i' some nice clean +newspaper, an +tha mun tak it wi thi, an when tha finds a nice secluded spot, whear it +can rest peacefully, lay it to rest."</p> + +<p>"All reight, lass! put it on th' table wol aw goa for mi hat +an coit," +sed Bob, "an dunnot freeat."</p> + +<p>Angelina lapt it carefully up, an sat daan to have a gooid +cry, an Bob +coom rushin daan, feeard he'd be lat, tuckt th' bundle under his arm an +set off intendin to drop it into th' furst ashpit he coom to.</p> + +<p>He passed monny a one, but ther wor allus somdy abaat, an he +couldn't +get a chonce o' gettin shut on it, an he wor foorced to tak it to th' +office wi him. This didn't trubble him varry mich, for he'd allus a +hawf +an haar for his lunch at twelve o'clock, soa he detarmined he'd +dispooas +on it then, an i'th meantime, he put it in a cubboard i'th office, +whear +it wodn't be seen.</p> + +<p>It seem'd to Bob at moor fowk went to th' cubboard that mornin +nor had +ivver been to it befoor.</p> + +<p>"Its time this cubboard had a clean aght," sed th' manager as +he wor +huntin for a book, "it smells like a vault."</p> + +<p>Bob tremeld, but all passed off safely. Twenty times during +that mornin +he wor put in a sweeat wi' furst one an another, but twelve o'clock +coom +at last, an waitin till tother clarks had gooan, he grabbed his parcel, +an jumpt in th' furst tramcar he saw,—luckily ther wor nobbut +one man +inside an he wor readin a paper,—soa puttin his parcel i'th +opposite +corner, he jumpt off at the next stoppin place. He started off at full +speed an wor just beginnin to smile at his own clivverness, when somdy +shaated.</p> + +<p>"Hi! Hi, thear!" an turning to luk, he saw a man rushin +towards him +holdin his parcel.</p> + +<p>"You forgot your parcel, young man," he said, puffin an +blowin, "it was +lucky I happened to see it!"</p> + +<p>Bob sed "thank yo" as weel as he could, an then sed summat +else, which +aw willn't repeat, an tuckin it under his arm, he went to th' place +whear he usually gat his breead an cheese an his glass o' bitter.</p> + +<p>He sat in a quiet corner, an one bi one th' customers went +aght, an +thinkin he saw a favourable chonce, he put his bundle on th' seeat, and +threw a newspaper carelessly ovver it, supt up—an when he +thowt nubdy +wor lukkin he quietly left it an wor sooin back in his office, feelin +wonderfully relieved. But he hadn't seen th' last on it even then.</p> + +<p>All wor quiet except for th' scratchin o' pens, for th' +maister wor +sittin at his private desk, when a redheeaded lad,—Bob thowt +he wor th' +ugliest lad he'd ivver seen in his life,—coom in grinnin, an +sydlin up +to him, an holdin th' parcel at arms length, as if he wor feeared o' +bein bitten, he sed, "th' lanlord o'th 'Slip Inn' has sent +this,—he +says yo left it on th' seeat."</p> + +<p>Bob snatched it aght ov his hand an put it in his desk, but +th' lad +still stood grinnin.</p> + +<p>"Dooan't aw get owt for bringin it? Aw know what it is, an aw +should +think its worth summat."</p> + +<p>Bob's face wor as red as a hep, an th' sweeat wor like dew on +his +forheead,—th' leeast coin he had wor a shillin, but he put it +into his +hand an bundled him aght, wol th' maister gave him a luk at made him +uncomfortable for th' balance o'th day.</p> + +<p>When five o'clock set him at liberty, he tuk his parcel once +moor an +started for hooam; but ther wor a grim luk ov determination on his face.</p> + +<p>"Aw'll get rid o' thee this time, if aw have to walk twenty +mile to find +a place," he sed. "Th' chap aw bowt thee on, sed ther wor nowt like a +bull pup for stickin, an tha's stuck to me wi a vengence. Aw wodn't goa +throo another day like this for all th' bull pups i' Bulgaria! An if +Angelina ivver perswades me to buy another aw hooap they'll call me +bull +pup for th' rest o' mi days!"</p> + +<p>He'd nearly getten hooam, when he coom to th' corner ov a +small croft, +an as ther wor nubdy abaat he dropt it ovver th' wall; an mutterin +summat throo his teeth, an shakkin his fists, he went hooam, but net +i'th sweetest o' tempers.</p> + +<p>Angelina lukt him up an daan, an in a surprised voice axt, +"Hasn't ta +browt it back?"</p> + +<p>"Browt it back! Browt what back? Does ta think awm daft?"</p> + +<p>"Why, then what's to be done? Ther's nowt to cook for thi +drinkin!"</p> + +<p>"Drinkin! What's that to do wi it? Tha sewerly didn't think o' +cookin—"</p> + +<p>"Aw thowt when tha fan aght th' mistak tha'd ha sent it back."</p> + +<p>"Mistak! What are ta drivin at? What wi th' bull pup an thee +yu'll send +me wrang i' mi heead!"</p> + +<p>"Why, didn't ta know at tha'd taen th' wrang parcel? Tha tuk +th' leg o' +lamb at th' butcher's lad had just browt, an left th' poor dog on th' +table!"</p> + +<p>"Th' deuce aw did? What's ta done wi it?"</p> + +<p>"Aw gave a man sixpence to tak it away. But whear's th' leg o' +lamb?"</p> + +<p>"Hold on a minnit! It's nooan far off."</p> + +<p>An withaat another word he started off, an as luck let, it wor +just +whear he dropt it. He oppened th' parcel to mak sewer it wor all +reight, +an then he set off back.</p> + +<p>"Well, if onnybody had tell'd me at aw wor sich a fooil as net +to be +able to tell th' difference between a leg o' lamb an a bull pup aw +wodn't ha believed em;—but th' best on us are fooils +sometimes."</p> + +<p>"Here it is, Angelina,—cut off a steak or two an +let's have summat to +get th' taste o' that bull pup aght o' mi maath! Awm sooary at tha's +lost thi pet, but tha munnot tak it too mich to heart."</p> + +<p>"Me! Net aw marry! Awm rare an fain its gooan for little dogs +mak a deal +o' muck:—An somtime,—ther's noa knowin, ov +coarse—but it may +be,—mind, nobbut say it may,—we may have summat +else to nurse at'll +suit us better nor a bull pup."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Troubles_and_Trials" id="Troubles_and_Trials"></a>Troubles and Trials.</h2> + +<p>Did it ivver occur to yo 'at if it wor as easy to shake off +unpleasant +acquaintences as it is to shak a carpet, what a dust ther'd be i'th +world?</p> + +<p>It doesn't do to want to get rid ov a thing just becoss it +isn't to yor +likin. Its advisable sometimes to have disagreeable things handy to +give +a relish to what's moor appreciated, tho less sowt after. Ivverybody +will admit th' advantages ov gooid health, but nubdy can appreciate it +like one 'at's been sick. It's th' circumstances 'at surraand th' cases +'at accant for th' opinions we form.</p> + +<p>If rich fowk sympathised as mich wi poor fowk, as poor fowk +envy rich +fowk, ther'd be noa poverty. We all know that. But then it's what will +nivver happen.</p> + +<p>A chap 'at's worried to deeath becoss his stocks or shares +have dropt +fifty per cent connot enter into a poor woman's anxiety abaat flaar or +mait gooan up a penny a paand. What's nobbut an inconvenience to one is +starvation to another.</p> + +<p>Ther's a deeal o' difference between poetry an philosophy, an +aw connot +help thinkin 'at if poor fowk had less poetry an moor philosophy, an +rich fowk had visa versa, we should get nearer level an all be better +for it. If we could nobbut get ovver that waikness ov worshipin a chap +for what he has raythur nor for what he is we could simplyfy th' social +problem.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Riches may depart,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Hopes dissolve in air,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But an honest heart</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Still may laugh at care."</span><br> + +<p>But ther's monny an honest heart 'at hasn't getten a laff left +in it. +They know bi bitter experience, 'at</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"The smiling lips +decieve us,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">With words that woo and +win;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Our friends betray and +leave us</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">When darker days begin."</span><br> + +<p>But haivver dark th' prospect may be he's a fooil 'at gives +way to +despair. Haivver bad things are, they mud be war; an when a chap ends +his life to get rid ov his trubbles, th' chonces are at th' tide wor +just abaat to turn if he could nobbut ha had pluck to wait.</p> + +<p>Th' trubbles we have are seldom soa heavy 'at we connot bear +em, tho it +may be hard wark, but when we're a bit cast daan, we dooant freeat hawf +as mich abaat what we have to put up wi, as to what's gooin to happen. +Imaginary evils are allus war to bide nor th' trubbles we railly have.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"Let to-morrow take care +of to-morrow,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Leave things of the future +to fate,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What's the use to +anticipate sorrow?</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Life's troubles come never +too late.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">If to hope over much be +an error</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">'Tis one that the wise +have preferred</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And how often have +hearts been in terror</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Of evils that never +occurred?"</span><br> + +<p>Ther's summat for yo to think abaat, an let th' July sunshine +enter into +yor hearts. It'll help to chase away th' claads o' care, an maybe, +buried hooaps may yet blossom into a harvest ov happiness an joy.</p> + +<p>Fortun, they say knocks once at ivvery man's door, but varry +oft th' man +doesn't happen to be in, an i' that case he sends his dowter, but +ther's +nubdy getten a welcome for Miss Fortun, but once shoo gets in, shoo's a +beggar to stick. Better try to mak friends wi th' old man.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Earnin_a_Honest_Penny" id="Earnin_a_Honest_Penny"></a>Earnin' a Honest Penny.</h2> + +<p>Sarah's that agravatin' sometimes, wol aw feel as if it wod do +me gooid +to hav a reight swear at her—an' aw should do it, if it wornt +for th' +fact at awr Tom's wed a lass at has a uncle 'at's a deacon at a chapil, +an' when a chaps respectably connected like that, aw think its as weel +to be a bit careful ov his tawk.</p> + +<p>Nah aw'll gie yo a' instance, awd had a five bob bet on wi' a +chap +called Uriah Lodge, it wor abaat hah mich a pig he wor baan to kill wod +weigh when it wor dressed, an' aw won. Uriah promised to pay mi o' +Sundy +mornin', but insteead o' th' brass, ther coom'd a letter throo him to +say 'at he'd been havin' a tawk wi' a district visitor abaat it, an +this +chap had soa convinced him o' th' evils o' bettin', 'at he'd decided at +he wodn't pay me, for if he did it wod do violence to his conshuns, but +if aw liked he'd send mi a fry o' pigs livver asteead. "Conshuns," aw +sed, "it's mooar like at it'll do violence to his britches pockets, aw +willn't have onny ov his muky pigs livver."</p> + +<p>"What's to do nah," Sarah axed.</p> + +<p>Soa aw tell'd her all abaat it, an ov cooarse aw expected at +shoo'd side +wi' me,—but noa, shoo sed,</p> + +<p>"Awm sewer aw respect Uriah for th' cooarse he's pursuin', aw +hooap +it'll be a lesson to yo—what wor yo baan to do wi' th' brass?"</p> + +<p>"Aw wor baan to buy a paand o' bacca wi' it," aw sed. Then +shoo started +abaat bettin', an' horse racin', an' smookin', an' aw dooant know what +moor—yo'd a thowt aw wor th' warst chap i' all Maant Pleasant +if yo'd +heeard her: an' shoo ended up wi' sayin' 'at shoo wished awd be a bit +mooar like a chap 'at lives next door to us called Martin Robertshaw.</p> + +<p>"He doesn't bet," shoo sed, "he doesn't smook, hes a daycent +gradely lad +is Martin, he wor off at hawf past eight this mornin' daan to th' Sundy +Schooil—yo'll nivver catch him drinkin' at public haases an' +bettin' +abaat deead pigs—his missis is a lucky woman if ivver ther +wor one."</p> + +<p>Its noa use i' th' world tawkin' to Sarah when shoo gets +reight on, soa +aw nivver spake a word wol shoo'd finished, an' then aw sed,</p> + +<p>"Have yo finished yor sarmon, missis?"</p> + +<p>"Yes," shoo went on, "it's noa gooid tawkin' to sich as yo, +it's nobbut +wastin' breeath, yo'll goa yor own gate aw expect i' spite o' all aw +can +say."</p> + +<p>"Well," says I, "it's hawf past twelve, lets have us dinners +for awm dry +after this storm, an' as its a fine day we'll goa up to th' top o' +Beacon Hill for a walk an' see th' view o' th' taan."</p> + +<p>Soa we had us dinner an set off.</p> + +<p>Beacon Hill's weel known i' Halifax, it soars up at th' bottom +o' th' +taan as bare an' bald as a duck egg; ther's norther a tree, nor a +shrub, +an' aw dooant think thers a blade o' grass that even a moke wod ait, +unless it belanged to a Irishman an' wor hawf clammed. It lets th' east +wind on to th' taan throo a hoil at one end, an it keeps th' mornin' +sun +off, an' hides th' evenin' mooin. It grows nowt nobbut stooans covered +wi' sooit, an' smook throo th' gas haase hangs ovver it all day long +like a claad. But up at th' top thers some stooan delves, an' a field +or +two whear they say reeal grass grows, an' i' support o' this noashun +somdy's had th' cheek to turn hawf a dozen cows aght, an' let 'em +pretend to graze,—of cooarse its all mak believe, for they +mun gie th' +poor brewts summat to ait beside, or else th' inspector for crewelty to +annimals wod have been daan on em befoor nah.</p> + +<p>It's a long gate up Beacon Hill—yo goa up New Bank +an' ovver Godly +Brig, in between th' Bloody Field an' Saint Joseph's Schooil, an' then +reight up to th' top, an' if it wornt for th' fact at thears a gooid +few +public haases o'th road aw dooant think 'at Sarah wod ivver have getten +to th' top at all; for shoo wor tuk bad wi' th' spasms jist at th' side +o' th' Pine Apple, an shoo had attacks ivvery few minnits wol we gate +to +th' Albion, which is th' last licensed haase; but bi gooid luck they +didn't coom on after that, for as thers noawhear to get her onny thing +comfortin' if shoo'd been tuk agean, aw dooant know whativver aw should +ha done.</p> + +<p>Well, we gate to th' top at last, an' sat daan to luk at th' +view. It's +reight grand, an them at hasn't seen it should goa bi all means at +once. +Yo can see all ovver th' taan—monny a thaasand chimleys all +smokin' at +once, an' scoars o' mill's, an' ivvery nah an' then when th' wind blows +th' reek away, yo can see th' Bastile as plain as owt.</p> + +<p>As we wor sittin' daan to rest we heeard sumdy tawkin' jist +ovver th' +wall, soa we kept still a bit, an' varry sooin we heeard as mich +cursin' +an' swearin' as owt to have filled a faandry for a wick.</p> + +<p>"Whativver is ther to do," sed Sarah, "lets have a luck?"</p> + +<p>We gate up, an' went an' luk'd throo a hoil i' th' wall, an' +thear daan +in a bit ov a holler, soa 'at they couldn't be seen, wor abaat twenty +gurt strappin' young fellers tossin' coppers.</p> + +<p>We hadn't been lukkin' moor nor a minnit or two, when a man +wi' a red +beeard coom runnin' daan th' hill an' stopt abaat ten yards throo whear +th' chaps wor laikin' at pitch an' toss, an' he started o' writin' +summat daan in a book.</p> + +<p>"Bobbies!" a chap shaated aght, an i' hawf a minnit ther wor +nubdy to be +seen, nobbut th' new comer, for ivvery one on 'em had hooked it as fast +as if th' owd chap wor after 'em.</p> + +<p>Then th' feller sammed up th' coppers, an' coom'd reight to +whear we +wor, an' climbed ovver th' wall. He wor laffin like owt. When he'd +getten on to th' side whear we wor, he luk'd a bit surprised to see us, +but he sed nowt—soa Sarah axd him if be wor a poleeceman, an' +if he wor +baan to report 'em at th' Taans Hall?</p> + +<p>"Net aw," he sed, "awm noa bobby awm not, aw nobbut did it to +flay 'em."</p> + +<p>"But yo gate ther brass," aw sed.</p> + +<p>"For sewer aw did," says he, "aw mak a day's wage at this +trade ivvery +Sundy, it's th' best payin' professhun aght—aw gate seventeen +pence +this mornin' at Ringby, an ther's eighteen pence here, that's three bob +nobbut a penny. Last Sundy aw addled three an' ninepence, at Siddal an' +Whitegate. Ther soa flayed if onnybody starts o' writin', 'at they hook +it like a express train, for they think yor takkin ther names daan."</p> + +<p>When he'd sed this he brust aght laffin agean, an' sed to me, +"Dooant +yo' knaw me?"</p> + +<p>"Noa," aw sed, "but aw seem to knaw yor voice."</p> + +<p>Then he ax'd Sarah if shoo didn't knaw him nawther?</p> + +<p>"Aw've nivver clapt een on yo' befooar," Sarah sed.</p> + +<p>He laft as if he wor baan to split for a bit, an' then he sed, +"Luk +here, but yo' munnot split," an' he pull'd off his gurt red beard, an' +awm blow'd if it worn't Martin Robertshaw, th' chap 'at lives next door +to us.</p> + +<p>Aw wor soa capt yo' could ha' shoov'd him ovver wi' yor little +finger, +an' Sarah leaned up agean th' wall, an' aw thowt th' spasms wor comin' +on agean; but aw wor mista'an, for they didn't, at least not wol we +gate +daan to th' Albion once mooar.</p> + +<p>"Aw promised my missis a sewin' machine," Martin went on, "an' +as brass +is soa hard to addle just nah, aw've had to start i' this line, an' it +pays weel to, an' ther's noa danger abaat it. A chap has to put his +hand +to owt nah days to earn a honest penny—aw doan't call it +chaitin' to +ease sich as yond on ther brass. But aw mun be off, aw've to goa daan +to +Shibden yet, an' bizness befoor pleashur's my motto. An' he run daan +th' +hill callin' aght 'at we worn't to tell his missis 'at we'd seen him.</p> + +<p>"Nah then, lass," aw sed, "yo' wor sayin' a bit sin' 'at yo' +wished aw +wor a bit mooar like yon chap,—what do yo' say nah?"</p> + +<p>"Well," Sarah sed, "aw willn't say at aw exactly approve ov +his goins +on, but onnyhah, yo'll admit at he's gettin' th' brass for a gooid +purpose; aw tell'd yo' at his wife wor a lucky woman, an' aw stick to +mi +words."</p> + +<p>"Then aw suppooas if awd sed aw wor baan to buy yo' a new +bonnet wi' +Uriah Lodge's five bob, it 'ud hey been awl reet?"</p> + +<p>"Circumstances alters cases as th' sayin' says," Sarah went +on, "but yo' +wor baan to spend it i' baccy, an' aw shall still stick to what aw sed +this morn, 'at bettin's reeal wicked; but coom on, for aw feel as if +th' +spasms wor comin' on mi agean, awm awl ov a tremmel, an' tawkin maks mi +war."</p> + +<p>So we went daan to th' Albion, an' then hooam.</p> + +<p>We wor just gooin to bed that neet, when Missis Robertshaw +coom in, to +ax Sarah to lend her a rubbin bottle.</p> + +<p>"Is somdy hurt?" Sarah ax'd.</p> + +<p>"It's Martin," shoo sed, "he wor gooin daan to Shibden this +afternooin, +to visit one ov his Sundy skollards 'ats badly; an' he happened bi ill +luck to coom on a reg'lar lot o' idle young fellers at wor laikin at +pitch an' toss. Martin connot bide wickedness o' noa sooart, soa he +stopt to tell 'em hah sinful gamblin' wor, 'specially on a Sundy, an' +hah mich better for 'em it 'ud be, if they'd put ther hard-addled brass +into th' Savins Bank, but asteead o' takkin his gooid advice, they set +on him an' beat him black an blue, an' robbed him o' three bob 'at he +had in his pockit, 'at had been subscribed for th' missionarys at th' +Sundy skooil."</p> + +<p>"Is he mich war?" aw axed.</p> + +<p>"His Sundy coit's all tore to ribbons, an his ankles sprained; +one o' +his front teeth is knocked clean aght, an' his watch is gooan. Aw shall +be only too thankful if he gets to his wark in a fortneet."</p> + +<p>"Hev yo' telled th' perleece?" Sarah sed.</p> + +<p>"Noa," shoo sed, "it wodn't be noa sooart o' use tellin' them +chaps, +they're too lazy to do owt nobbut draw ther wage,—besides, +Martin's +that forgivin', 'at he says he'd rayther suffer i' silence nor let +onnybody be punished on his accant—but aw mun be off." An' +shoo went +aght wi' th' bottle.</p> + +<p>"Ther's a deal o' humbug i' this world," Sarah sed, when th' +woman wor +gooan, "awm glad he's getten catched at last, aw mak nowt o' sich +decaitful fowk, robbin' poor people o' ther brass,—it's +little enuff +'at we can finger honestly nah a days. Aw've been wantin a new bonnet +monny a week—Missis Lupton's getten one, an' shoo's getten a +faal face +to put inside ov it two, an aw dooant like to be bet bi a woman like +that,—soa if yo' can get that five bob thro' Uriah, it'll +come in +handy. Aw've sed times an times agean, 'at them Lodges wor th' nearest +fowk i' all Maant Pleasant, an' fowk owt to pay ther debts, whether +it's +bettin or whether it isn't."</p> + +<p>"Aw'll see him to morn."</p> + +<p>"That's reight, lad, do, an' let's goa to bed nah, for we +shall have a +rare gas nooat this quarter if we sit up like this."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Th_Next_Mornin" id="Th_Next_Mornin"></a>Th' +Next Mornin'.</h2> + +Aw'll nivver get druffen noa mooar,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It's th' last time is +this, an that's trew,—</span><br> + +For mi booans is all shakkin an sooar,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Throo th' craan o' mi +hat, to mi shoe.</span><br> + +An mi skin, it's all cover'd wi' marks,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Some's blue, an some's +black, an some's red;</span><br> + +Yo connot think ha mi heead warks,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An it feels just as +heavy as lead.</span><br> + +Aw connot tell ha' aw gate fresh,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For aw didn't sup ovver +mich drink,—</span><br> + +It's mi stummack 'at's weakly, aw guess,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It couldn't be nowt else +aw' think,</span><br> + +For aw'd nobbut a gallon o' beer,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A couple o' +whiskeys,—a rum,—</span><br> + +Happen two—for awm net varry clear<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Hah monny—aw +knaw aw hed some.</span><br> + +That's all, tho' aw'd happen a drop<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Lat on, 'at aw knaw nowt +abaat;</span><br> + +For th' lanlord he tell'd mi to stop,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When th' brass i' mi +pocket runn'd aght,</span><br> + +Aw remember beein chuckt into th' street<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">At cloisin time, nothin +noa mooar,—</span><br> + +An mi mates set mi up o' mi feet,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An propt me agean a +hasse door.</span><br> + +All th' rest o' last neet is a blank,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw wonder who put mi to +bed?</span><br> + +Awm sewer aw dooant knaw who to thank,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An aw connot reet think, +for mi head—</span><br> + +Besides aw feel terrible sick,—<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">This drinkin, it isn't +all bliss;</span><br> + +Aw expect aw'st be seedy a wick,<br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It's towt mi a lesson +'as this.</span><br> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Christmas_Oysters" id="Christmas_Oysters"></a>Christmas +Oysters.</h2> + +<p>They tell me 'at in Orstralia they have Kursmas Day in th' +middle o' +summer,—aw dooant knaw whether it's trew or net, for someha' +them 'at's +been i' furrin pairts are varry mich addicted to th' practiss o' tellin +lies,—but if they hey ther Kursmiss i' summer, all aw con say +is, 'at +it's a mistak; ov cooarse furriners can do as they like, but it allus +seems to me at th' best ov Kursmiss is at it cooms i'th middle o' +winter +to cheer poor fowks' hearts when th' days is dark an gloomy. It's a +wonderful time is Kursmiss—all th' shops as ther winders +dressed aght +wi' th' best things they hev, to mak a show, an gas leets shinin all up +an daan, an ther's geese an turkeys hangin up aghtside,—an +yo' see +ivverybody lukkin as gooid humoured as if they'd getten some brass +gi'en.</p> + +<p>Aw know nowt mooar pleasant nor to goa throo th' markits on +th' neet +befoor Kursmiss, an luk at th' stawls an th' smilin faces all up an +daan.</p> + +<p>Aw heeard a bit ov a stoary abaat Kursmiss a bit sin' 'at +aw'll tell yo.</p> + +<p>Ther wor a young lad at Dewsbury an he wor varry fond o' gooid +aitin,—it's net a varry uncommon complaint amang +lads,—but this chap +wor mooar nor usual fond o' gooid things, an if ivver he gate hold ov +onny brass, he allus used to spend it awther at a pie shop, or on fish +fried wi' chipt puttates, or some other daintes o' that sooart.</p> + +<p>It wor Kursmiss Eve last year, an he'd getten howd o' some +copper bi +sweepin snaw off th' doorstuns for th' nabers, soa after he'd hed his +teah, he set off to fill hissen full o' summat tasty.</p> + +<p>"Aw'll ha' summat reeal gooid to-neet," he sed, "as it's +Kursmiss time."</p> + +<p>He lukt into shops at tarts, an penny ducks, an blood puddins, +an all +sooarts o' things; but he'd hed them all monny a time, an he wanted +summat fresh.</p> + +<p>At last he went into th' markit place, an after he'd luk'd +raand, wi' +th' brass fair burnin a hoil in his pocket for want o' spendin, he coom +to a stawl whear a chap wor shaatin aght:</p> + +<p>"Hoisters! reeal natives! a penny apiece!"</p> + +<p>Nah he'd nivver tasted a hoister i' all his life, it wor +summat new, soa +he went up to th' chap an axt for one.</p> + +<p>Th' man gate hold o' one an started o' oppenin it wi' his +knife, but th' +lad sed—</p> + +<p>"Howd on, aw say, that's a varry little en, aw want a reight +daan big +un—th' biggest one yo' hev i'th place."</p> + +<p>"If yo' want a reight big un," th' man sed, "aw con sewt yo' +up to th' +mark," an he went behund th' stawl, an in a hawf minnit he coom back +wi' +one abaat as big as a pan lid. It wor oppened, an th' fish wor liggin +on +th' shell i'th center, abaat three inches across.</p> + +<p>"Will this sewt yo'," he sed.</p> + +<p>"That'll do," th' lad sed, "aw like a fair sized un."</p> + +<p>He put some pepper an vinegar on it, an handed it to th' lad +an sed, "Aw +dooant think yo' can manage it, sir."</p> + +<p>He nivver spake, but tuk th' shell in his hand, an oppen'd his +maath an +sukt it in. He'd to try two or three times befoor it went daan his +throit, an it nearly choakt him, but at last it went.</p> + +<p>"Aw've done it," he sed wi' tears in his een, "Hah mich is +ther to pay?"</p> + +<p>"Nah, aw willn't mak noa charge," th' man answered, "yo've +done weel, aw +didn't think yo' could ha' managed it, ther's three fowk tried at that +hoister to-neet, an a dog beside, but it lickt 'em all."</p> + +<p>Th' lad turned away, an slipt behind a row o' stawls, an aw +willn't say +onny mooar abaat what happened after.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Chairleys_Coortin" id="Chairleys_Coortin"></a>Chairley's +Coortin.</h2> + +<p>Chairley Dempster wor nobbut a little chap but he'd a varry +big opinion +ov hissen. He'd consait enuff for hawf a duzzen. His mother wor a widdy +an he wor th' only child shoo'd ivver had an shoo set a deeal o' stoor +on him, an firmly believed at ther wornt another at wor fit to hold th' +cannel to him.</p> + +<p>Noa daat this accanted for him havin sich a gooid opinion ov +hissen. +They wornt varry weel to do, for when her husband deed, he'd nowt he +could leeav her except th' bit o' furnitur an th' babby.</p> + +<p>Fowk thowt shoo'd be wed agean, but they wor mistaen. If it +hadn't been +for havin Chairley happen shoo wod ha done, for shoo wor young an +strong, an varry gooidlukkin i'th bargain' an lots o' chaps wod ha +thowt +thersen lucky if they could ha 'ticed her to buckle on wi 'em. But shoo +kept em all at a distance, an managed, wi weshin an cleeanin for fowk, +to mak as mich as kept her an her lad.</p> + +<p>Shoo spoilt him, as wor to be expected, an denied hersen lots +o' things +shoo badly needed to keep him weel donned, an shoo wor nivver as praad +as when shoo heeard somdy say at he lukt 'like a little gentleman.'</p> + +<p>Shoo kept him at Schooil wol he wor fourteen, an he didn't +shame his +taichers, an when he left he wor cliverer nor mooast lads ov his age.</p> + +<p>Dooant run away wi th' idea at he wor a fine young gentleman, +for he wor +nobbut a country lad, for he'd been browt up in a country place amang +country fowk, but he wor one o'th better sooart, an amang th' naybors +wor considered a bit ov a swell.</p> + +<p>What trade to put him to bothered his mother aboon o' bit. +Shoo could ha +liked to ha made him into a doctor or a parson, or shoo wodn't have +objected to startin him as th' president ov a bank, but sich things +cost +brass an shoo wor varry poor. He could ha liked to ha been a sowger, +but +he worn't big enuff, an sailerin didn't suit his stummack. At last he +had to be content to get into a grocer's shop as a lad abaat, and he +wor +sixteen bi this time.</p> + +<p>Th' maister sooin tuk a fancy to him, for he worked hard an +steady, an +befoor he'd been thear a month he wor put behind th' caanter to wait on +customers. His mother wor ovverjoyed at this, an altho shoo wornt one +o'th biggest or best customers, ther wor nubdy went ofter to th' shop. +If shoo nobbut wanted two articles shoo went twice for em, an shoo wor +nivver in a hurry to get sarved, for the biggest pleasur shoo'd ivver +known wor to watch Chairley deal aght punds o' sewgar an cakes o' sooap.</p> + +<p>But ther's noa pleasur i' this world at isn't mixt wi some +pain, an it +wor soa i' her case. One day as shoo wor watchin him sarve a lass wi a +rasher o' bacon, an saw th' way he smiled at her an shoo tittered back +at him, struck her for th' furst time, at th' day might come when he'd +be somdy else's Chairley, an shoo'd hay to tak a back seeat.</p> + +<p>When shoo went hooam shoo could think abaat nowt else, an shoo +set +studyin abaat it soa long, at when he coom hooam to his supper ther wor +nowt ready for him, an th' foir wor aght.</p> + +<p>"What's to do, mother?" he sed, "arn't yo weel or have yo +nobbut just +getten hooam?"</p> + +<p>"A'a, lad," shoo sed,—lukkin raand suspiciously, as +if shoo wor feeard +he'd browt some lass wi him,—"aw dooant know what's to do. Aw +just set +me daan to think a bit at time's flown by withaat me nooaticin it. Has +ta come straight hooam?"</p> + +<p>"Hi,—aw allus coom straight hooam when mi wark's +done."</p> + +<p>"An did ta coom bi thisen all th' way?"</p> + +<p>"Ov coorse aw coom bi misen. Did yo want me to fotch somdy wi +mi?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, lad. Aw hooap that day's far distant when tha'll bring +onnybody +here to tak thi mother's place. Who wor that forrad young thing at tha +wor sellin that rasher o' bacon to when aw wor i'th shop?"</p> + +<p>"Aw nobbut know her furst name. They call her Minnie, shoo's a +sarvent +at that big haase at th' street corner."</p> + +<p>"Minnie, do they call her? aw think Ninny wod be a name to +suit her +better. Aw nivver saw her befoor i' mi life, but shoo's noa gooid, aw +saw that as sooin as aw clapt mi een on her. Aw hooap tha'll mind what +tha'rt dooin an have noa truck wi sichlike."</p> + +<p>"Why, mother, aw've allus thowt her a varry gooid lass, an awm +sewer +shoo's a bonny en."</p> + +<p>"That's just whear it is. They allus are bonny are sich like +as her. But +next time shoo cooms into th' shop just order her off abaat her +business. An see at tha does as aw tell thi. Shoo can get what shoo +wants at another shop at's nearer their haase. Its nooan yor bacon shoo +wants;—its thee shoo's after, but tha'rt sich a ninnyhammer +at tha +can't see it."</p> + +<p>"Yo must know, mother, 'at aw can't order her aght o'th shop. +Awm sewer +shoo thinks nowt abaat me. Ther's nooan sich luck. Shoo's older nor me +bi ivver soa mich, an shoo could have onny chap i'th street if shoo'd +to +put her finger up. Awm sewer aw dooant know what's put sich a nooation +into yor heead. But aw'll have mi supper if its ready."</p> + +<p>"Come thi ways;—awm sooary aw've kept thi waitin, +but tuk it into thi. +Tha'll get moor gooid aght o' that nor sich as her. Ther owt to be a +law +to punish sichlike."</p> + +<p>Chairley sed nowt noa moor, but he thowt a lot. To tell +trewth, sich +thowts had nivver befoor entered into his heead. An if his mother had +nivver sed owt abaat it, it's possible they nivver wod. It wor Setterdy +neet, an as he wor anxious to be up i' gooid time at Sundy, he sed, +"Gooid neet," an went to bed. For th' furst time in his life he tossed +an roll'd abaat, an couldn't fall asleep. His mother had put that lass +into his heead an he couldn't get her aght. He'd allus thowt her a nice +lass, but he'd nivver known ha bonny shoo wor till then.</p> + +<p>"A'a!" he sighed, "awd goa throo foir an watter for sich a +lass as her."</p> + +<p>An th' upshot on it wor, at when at last he did fall asleep, +it wor to +dream at he'd wed an angel just like her, an he wakkened to find th' +bolster cuddled up in his arms. Sundy passed someway, but nawther +schooil nor sarmon did him onny gooid. Unconsciously he'd set up an +idol +an wor worshippin it wi all th' strength ov his young heart.</p> + +<p>As he went to his wark next mornin, he happened to catch th' +seet ov +hissen as he passed a shop winder, an for th' furst time he felt ha +little he wor.</p> + +<p>Ommost fust customer to enter th' shop wor Minnie. Shoo wanted +a duzzen +fresh eggs. Chairley's face went as red as a pickled cabbage, an when +he +went to get em his hands tremeled soa at he smashed two.</p> + +<p>"Oh, what a pity," sed Minnie.</p> + +<p>"Oh, net at all, awm quite used to it," he stammered. Then +Minnie stared +at him an laft, an he tried to laff to, an one oth' shop lads gave a +guffaw an this soa nettled Chairley 'at he samd th' bag wi th' eggs in +an sent it flyin at his heead, an gave it sich a crack at th' bag wor +brussen, an th' eggs all smashed wor sylin daan throo his heead to his +feet, an just then th' maister walked in.</p> + +<p>Minnie stood stupified an Chairley seized his hat an ran aght +at th' +back door. Wol th' lad wor splutterin an slobberin, an th' maister +doncin mad, Minnie slipt aght an bowt her eggs at another shop. But +shoo +couldn't get Chairley aght of her mind. Shoo'd allus admired him, an +thowt what a gooid husband he'd mak for somdy when he gate a bit older; +an nah shoo saw as plainly as could be ha matters stood, an guessed as +near trewth as if Chairley had tell'd her all abaat it.</p> + +<p>It wor lat on ith' day when Chairley slunk into th' shop, an +th' maister +mooationed for him to step into th' private office. What tuk place aw +dooan't exactly know, but when they coom aght Chairley lukt varry warm, +an th' maister had a grin on his face at wor a gooid sign.</p> + +<p>Three or four days passed, an Minnie nivver entered that shop. +Chairley +tried to feel thankful, for he didn't know ha to face her, an yet he +wor +miserable, for he felt as if he couldn't live withaat her.</p> + +<p>Just as he wor turnin th' corner oth' street on his way +hooam,—it wor +ommost dark an he wor in a varry low kay;—a voice cloise to +him sed, +"What's the price of fresh eggs to-day, Chairley?"</p> + +<p>Chairley felt like jumpin aght ov his skin, as he turned raand +an saw +Minnie, laffin all ovver her face an lukkin moor bewitchinly bonny nor +ivver.</p> + +<p>"A'a, Minnie! Miss Minnie, aw meean;—Aw have to beg +yo pardon. Aw'll +nivver do it agean as long as aw live. Will yo forgie me this time, an +coom to th' shop as usual?"</p> + +<p>"Has the shop-boy forgiven you?"</p> + +<p>"Aw care nowt abaat him."</p> + +<p>"But the master?"</p> + +<p>"Oh' he's all reight, but when aw gate to know who yo wor, +they could ha +fell'd me wi a feather."</p> + +<p>Minnie had stept back into th' shadder oth' porch an wor +sittin on th' +step. Chairley wor ith' shadder o'th' porch too. All wor varry quiet +for +a long time an when th' mooin peept aght an sent a mild soft leet into +that same porch, it showed a couple sittin varry cloise together.</p> + +<p>When Chairley went hooam that neet, he wor th' mooast +important chap, in +his own estimation, at lived i' that taan. His mother had been uneasy +for th' past few days, for shoo saw ther wor summat wrang, an shoo +nooaticed th' change in him as sooin as he went in. "Has things gooan +reight wi thi to-day, Chairley?" shoo ventured to ax him.</p> + +<p>"Nivver better, Mother;—Nivver better!"</p> + +<p>But shoo felt sewer ther wor summat undernaith, an shoo wor +detarmined +to find it aght. Shoo knew at Chairley wodn't be at th' shop next +mornin, as it wor his day to goa seekin orders, soa shoo waited till +he'd getten off, an then shoo went to see his maister.</p> + +<p>"Come this way, Mrs. Dempster," he sed when he saw her, "what +can we do +for you this morning?"</p> + +<p>"Aw wanted to spaik to yo if yo pleeas. Awd like to know if my +son has +been havin onny trubble latly?"</p> + +<p>"Well, my dear Madam, troubles come to all on us at times. I +dare say +Charley has had a little trouble,—just a minimum."</p> + +<p>"Aw mud ha known it! But if yond Minnie doesn't let my lad +alooan aw'll +mak this taan too hot for her. Shoo owt to be smoored an all sichlike."</p> + +<p>"Excuse me, Mrs. Dempster, but if you are alluding to my niece +Minnie, I +must ask you to speak with more respect, for she is as good as she is +good-looking, and that is saying a great deal."</p> + +<p>"Yo dooan't meean to say shoo's yor neese sewerly."</p> + +<p>"She is my niece and your boy's sweetheart. They were engaged +last night +with my full consent, and a nice young couple they are. If all goes +well, they are to be married when Charley comes of age, and will then +succeed me in this business."</p> + +<p>"Laws-a-mercy on us! Well,—well. An a nice lass shoo +is too," an off +shoo set to think things ovver agean.</p> + +<p>Shoo nivver agean interfered wi his coortin. They're wed nah. +Shoo lives +wi em, but shoo can't understand why they allus laff if shoo sets em +fresh eggs for ther braikfast.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="What_a_Gallus_Button_did" id="What_a_Gallus_Button_did"></a>What a Gallus Button +did.</h2> + +<p>One Friday neet last summer, ther wor a braik daan at th' shop +'at Dick +Taylor worked at, just befoor stoppin time, soa th' ovverlukker telled +him 'at it wor noa use his comin i'th mornin, as they wodn't be able to +start th' engine agean wol Mundy.</p> + +<p>Dick worn't sorry, for it wor fine weather, an' he thowt a +day's +halliday ud be varry pleasant. When he gate hooam, he telled his missis +'at he wor baan to laik th' next day, an' shoo sed,</p> + +<p>"Naah, Dick, ther's a chonce for yo to pleeas me—yo +know aw've axed yo +all th' summer to tak me raand to see th' parks i' Bradforth, for aw've +nivver seen one on em, exceptin Lister's, an' that's becoss it's soa +near—they tell me 'at th' flaars i' Peel's park, an' up at +Horton, are +reeal beautiful."</p> + +<p>"We'll goa, Mary," Dick sed, "an' up to Bowlin Park too."</p> + +<p>Shoo gave him a kuss, an' gate him his teah, an' let him keep +a shillin +aght o' his wage, to get some cigars wi' for him to smook when they wor +aght th' next day. After braikfast i'th mornin they set off.</p> + +<p>They lived near th' Stashun at Manningham, in a haase off +Valley Road, +soa they cut across, an' ovver th' canal, an' up bi Spinkwell, into th' +main road for Peel Park. It wor varry hot, soa bi th' time they gate +into th' park, an' lukt at th' flaar beds daan bi th' lake, an' climbed +up on to th' terrace, they wor varry glad to sit daan on a seeat near +to +whear th' band stand is.</p> + +<p>Ther's a grand view thro' thear, yo can see reight ovver +Bradforth as +far as Lister's Milns, an' Queensbury—th' sun wor shinin, an' +Dick wor +just leetin one o'th cigars when a young man abaat two or three an' +twenty coom daan th' walk, huggin' a basket—when he seed em +he stopt, +an' sed:—</p> + +<p>"Can yo give me a match, mate?"</p> + +<p>"Eah," Dick sed, "hear's a box, help thisen,"—when +he'd leeted his +pipe, Mary sed, "This is a varry nice park, sir."</p> + +<p>"I," he answered, "an' it's a nice place for coortin in, on a +neet when +th' band isn't playin—you cannot coom here ov a evenin +withaat findin +abaat hawf a scooar o' cupples—yo see it's net too near th' +taan, wol +it's nice an' quiet—but it's net too lonely nawther, a decent +lass can +coom here wi' her sweetheart, an' nawther her mother nor nubdy else can +say owt agean it, for ther's allus somdy awther commin or gooin."</p> + +<p>"Yo seem to know it well?" Dick sed to th' young feller.</p> + +<p>He wor nobbut a ugly chap, but when Dick sed this, he smiled +wol he wor +nearly nice lukkin, an' his een twinkled wi' fun, as he sed,</p> + +<p>"Aw should think aw do know it, an' aboon a bit too, why aw +wor +rewinated net hawf a yard thro' whear yor missis is sittin."</p> + +<p>Mary jumped up as if th' seat wor baan to bite her, an' her +nelly +tummeld reight thro' th' railin, an' ligged among th' shrubs on the +slope abaat ten feet below.</p> + +<p>When th' young feller seed that, he fair skriked aght wi' +laffin, but +befoor Dick could do owt, he wor ovver th' railin, an had getten her +umberel up agean.</p> + +<p>"It wor a nelly tumblin daan like that at did for me," says +he, "but aw +see yor maized, soa aw'll tell yo all abaat it;" soa he sat daan on th' +seat beside me, an' he began.</p> + +<p>"When aw furst coom a workin to Bradforth, abaat three year +sin, aw +lodged wi' a young feller 'at lived i' Otley Road—we slept +i'th same +room; an' one Sundy mornin as we wor dressin, aw sed to him, 'at aw wor +flayed aw should have to buy a new pair o' Sundy britches, for them aw +hed getten wor wore varry shabby.</p> + +<p>"'Aw'll sell yo a pair,' he sed; an' he pulled a pair aght ov +a box, 'aw +bowt em off th' pegs, an' gave fifteen bob for em, noa mooar nor a year +sin—but aw nivver liked em—aw wor em when mi sister +wor wed, an when +aw went to Blackpool for a wick last July, an' that's all, yo shall +have +em for eight bob, an it's a bargain sich as yo willn't get ivvery day.'</p> + +<p>"They wor reeal smart traasers, an' to mak a long stooary +short, aw bowt +em; an' that evenin, aw wor gooin aght a walkin wi' a lass 'at aw knew, +soa aw wore em to luk smart like. Aw wor thinner then than aw am nah, +for aw've filled aght a bit sin aw wor wed; but this chap 'at aw bowt +em +off, wor hawf as fat agean as aw wor, a reglar porker, fit for killin; +an' when aw coom to put th' britches on, aw fun aght, 'at they wor +ivver +soa mich to wide for me raand th' waist—that worn't th' warst +o' it, +for aw fun aght also 'at fower aght o'th six gallus buttons wor +off—but +aw hadn't time to sew onnymooar on, soa wi' a bit a bother aw made em +do.</p> + +<p>"Well, aw set off wi' th' new traasers on—it's trew +'at they wor +hitched up that high 'at aw worn't a bit comfortable, an' ther wor as +mich room in em as wod nearly have done for two like me, but as me tail +coit hid it aw didn't mind that, an' aw felt a reeal swell, aw can tell +yo, for they wor th' leetest coloured pair 'at ivver awd ivver had i' +my +life. Amy wor waitin o' me, an' we walked daan here to Peel's Park, an' +sat on this varry seeat."</p> + +<p>"Awm gettin varry interested," Mary sed, when he stopt to leet +his pipe +'at had gooan aght, "goa on wi' yor tale."</p> + +<p>He puffed away for a minnit, an then went +on:—"Someha or other Amy's +nelly slipt in between th' railins like yor's did a bit sin, an aw wor +ovver th' fence after it like a shot,—but when aw wor climbin +up agean, +my golly, if one o'th two remainin buttons didn't snap cleean off, aw +think th' thread mun ha' been as rotten as apples,—luckily aw +wor just +on th' top o'th rail, or aw dooan't knaw what aw should ha done, but aw +managed to get on to th' seat, an thear aw sat."</p> + +<p>Mary an Dick booath started o' laffin, an Dick sed, "Well, an +ha did yo' +goa on?"</p> + +<p>"It wor noa laffin matter for me aw con tell yo',—it +wor summer time, +an not dark wol nearly ten o'clock, an it wor nobbut eight then. Amy +faand aght in a minnit 'at summat wor wrang, but shoo sed nowt, an aw +kept it quiet as long as aw could, wishin at th' sun 'ud luk sharp an +goa daan, but asteead o' that, it seemed to me 'at it wor gooin higher +up ivvery minnit. Soa when shoo'd sed at shoo wor chilly, an wanted to +walk a bit, abaat hawf a duzzen times, aw wor forced to tell her th' +truth. Aw expected shoo'd a made fun o' me, but shoo didn't; shoo +lukked +reeal consarned abaat it, an sed shoo wor varry sorry for th' mishap, +but we'd stop whear we wor till it wor dark. Soa we sat thear for a +bit, +an then shoo sed,</p> + +<p>"'It ud be a deeal better for yo if yo hed sumdy to luk after +yor clooas +far yo.'</p> + +<p>"Mi mother lives up at Keighley," aw sed, "an it's soa far +shoo connot, +an th' lanlady's hawf blind."</p> + +<p>"'Well,' Amy went on, 'but if yo'd hed a wife, shoo'd do all +sich things +as that for yo.'</p> + +<p>"Someha' or other mi arm slipt raand her waist, an aw willn't +tell yo' +noa mooar; long befoor th' sun hed set, an it went daan sooin enuff +nah, +it wor all sattled."</p> + +<p>"'All's weel at ends weel,'" Dick sed.</p> + +<p>"Eeah," th' young feller sed, "but aw'll tak mi solem Alfred +Davey 'at +when aw put them thear britches on, aw'd noa mooar thowts o' bein wed, +nor aw hed o' be in hang'd. Aw'd nobbut gooan aght walkin wi' Amy to +pass th' time away, as young fellers will do."</p> + +<p>"Awm sewer aw hooap shoo's made yo a gooid wife," sed Mary.</p> + +<p>"Nivver a chap hed a better wife i' all th' world nor aw hev," +sed he, +"but yo' shall coom in an see her, we live i' them haases at th' end +o'th Corperashun Quarries daan thear. Coom on."</p> + +<p>Dick explained 'at they wor gooin to see th' other Parks, but +he wodn't +ha' noa refusal.</p> + +<p>"Yo' con goa to-morn to Horton,—coom on, an me an +Amy 'll goa wi' yo' +to Bowlin Park this afternooin, we've nivver been sin it wor oppened."</p> + +<p>He wor soa pressin 'at they went an hed ther drinkins wi him +an Amy,—an +he show'd 'em th' britches 'at hed been the cause ov it all. They went +to Bowlin i'th afternooin, an sin' then they've oftens had a bit ov a +aght together.</p> + +<pre> + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorkshire Tales. 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Third Series + Amusing sketches of Yorkshire Life in the Yorkshire Dialect + +Author: John Hartley + +Release Date: April 14, 2006 [EBook #18176] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHIRE TALES. THIRD SERIES *** + + + + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + + + + + + + Yorkshire Tales. Third Series + + + Amusing Sketches of Yorkshire Life in the Yorkshire Dialect. + + John Hartley, + + Author of "Clock Almanack," "Yorkshire Ditties," "Yorksher Puddin," + "Mally an Me," etc. + + Ther's sunshine an storm as we travel along, + Throo life's journey whear ivver we be; + An its wiser to leeten yor heart wi' a song, + Nor to freeat at wbat fate may decree; + Yo'll find gooid an bad amang th' fowk 'at yo meet, + An' form friendships maybe yo'll regret; + But tho' some may deceive an lay snares for yor feet, + Pass 'em by,--an' Forgive an' Forget. + + + +London: William Nicholson & Sons Limited, 26, Paternoster Square, E.C. + + +Contents + +Grimes' New Hat. +Sammywell Sweeps th' Chimley. +Hepsabah's Hat. +Old Dave to th' New Parson. +Sammywell's Eggsperiment. +What came of a Clock Almanac. +Sammywell's Reformation. +Sheffield Smook. +Awr Lad. +Grimes' Galloway. +True Blue; A Romance of Factory Life. +"If aw wor a Woman." +Sammywell's Soft Snap. +A Bashful Bradfordian. +Th' Owd, Owd Story. +Jim Nation's Fish-shop. +Bob Brierley's Bull Pup. +Troubles and Trials. +Earnin' a Honest Penny. +Th' Next Mornin'. +Christmas Oysters. +Chairley's Coortin. +What a Gallus Button did. + + + + +Grimes' New Hat. + + +"Sammywell, has ta seen Swindle latly?" + +"Nay, Mally, aw havn't seen him for a matter ov two or three wick." + +"Well, aw wish tha'd been at chapel yesterdy mornin." + +"Wor ther summat extra like." + +"Eah, ther wor summat extra; an summat at wod ha made thee oppen thi +e'en. Aw wor nivver so surprised i' mi life. Swindle an his wife wor +thear,--an tho' it isn't oft aw tak noatice o' fowk, aw couldn't help +dooin soa, an it wor a treeat to see em." + +"Aw can believe thi weel enuff; ther's net monny wimmen as hansome as +Mistress Swindle." + +"Awm not tawkin abaat Mistress Swindle; tha knows better nor that, awd +like to know what ther is hansome abaat her? Shoo's noa style abaat her. +Shoo's a gurt brussen thing! But Swindle is a gooid-lukkin chap, an awm +sewer onnybody could ha mistakken him for a real gentleman. He'd a grand +suit o' clooas on, as hansome as onny man need wear at his wife's +funeral, an noa sign o' muck under his fingernails, an he'd a silk top +hat on at shane like a lukkin glass!" + +"Why, what bi that? Aw've a silk top hat, but aw nivver wear it." + +"Noa, an tha nivver will wear it, unless tha walks aght bi thisen! It +isn't fit to be seen at a hen race. Aw wodn't be seen walkin aght wi thi +wi sich a thing on thi heead. But aw meean thi to ha one an aw'll pay +for it aght o' mi own pocket, but aw'll goa wi' thi to buy it, for if +tha went bi thisen tha'd let em shove onny sooart ov a oldfashioned +thing onto thi, but they'll find they've a different body to deal wi +when awm thear." + +"It's varry gooid o' thee, Mally, to offer to buy me a new hat, but aw +railly dooant want one. Yond hat o' mine is as gooid as new for aw +havn't had it on a duzzen times. Tha knows aw nivver wear it nobbut when +aw goa to th' chapel. It isn't aboon twelve month sin aw gave ten +shilling for it." + +"It's soa much bigger shame for thi to tell it. It shows ha oft tha goes +to a place o' worship. A fine example tha sets to Jerrymier an th' rest +o' thi gron-childer. But awd have thee to know at tha'rt net as young as +tha used to be, an its abaat time tha wor thinkin o' thi latter end. Tha +may be deead an burried befoor long an tha owt to prepare." + +"Why, tha sewerly doesn't meean to bury me in a silk hat?" + +"Noa, aw dooant think awst ivver have th' luck to bury thi at all! But +aw want thi to begin an goa to th' chapel reglar, an let Mistress +Swindle see at her husband isn't th' only one at can turn aght like a +gentleman." + +"Tha'll be like to pleeas thisen abaat it, but aw thowt it wor me tha +wor praad on an net mi hat." + +"Tha gets some strange nooations into thi heead, Sammywell. If ther's +owt abaat thi for onny woman to be praad on awm sewer aw dooant know +whear it is. But as sooin as tha's finished thi pipe aw want thi to get +shaved, an put on thi best Sundy suit an goa wi me into Westgate an get +a new hat--one o'th best ther is i'th shop, if it taks all th' brass aw +have i' mi pocket. Aw'll let Mistress Swindle see at shoo connot crow +ovver me!" + +Soa Sammywell went aght to be shaved, an Mally began to get ready to goa +wi him, as sooin as he should be all fixed up to suit her. + +"Nah, Sammywell," sed Mally, as sooin as they wor ready to set off, "Aw +dunnot want thee to say a word when we get to th' shop. Aw'll do what +tawkin has to be done, an if aw connot get thee a better hat nor that +tha has on thi heead, and one to seem thi better, aw shall know th' +reason why. Aw can hardly fashion to walk daan th' street wi thi, but it +isn't varry far an we happen shalln't meet onnybody we know." + +When they walked into th' shop, Mally went up to th' caanter and sed, +"Young man,--aw want to buy a new silk top hat, latest fashion, best +quality, price noa object, if its under ten shillin, to suit this +elderly gentleman, an luk sharp abaat it, for we're prepared to pay +ready brass." + +"Certainly, maam," an he sooin had two or three ready for him to try on. +"How will this suit?--latest style." + +"That willn't do at all. It maks him luk like a pill doctor. He wants a +chapel-gooin hat." + +"Well, here's the very thing. Just the style for an old man." + +"Then aw dooant want it! He's net an old man! He's noa older nor yo'll +be if yo live as long. Why, that maks him luk like a local praicher aght +o' wark!" + +"How will this suit? This style is very much worn." + +"Aw dooant want one at's been worn. Noa second hand hats for me." + +Th' shopman didn't loise his patience, but tried one after another wol +th' caanter wor piled up wi hats, but nooan on em suited. + +"Aw dooant know ha it is," sed Mally, "a big shop like this an cant get +a daycent lukkin hat! Awm sewer there must be one if onnybody'd sense to +find it. Here's one, try this." + +Sammywell put it on. "That's the ticket! That luks like summat! Aw knew +aw could find one! Ha does it feel? Is it comfortable?" an shoo twisted +it to one side and then twisted it back agean. "Nah, what do yo want for +that,--an remember,--ready brass?" + +"I cannot charge for that, because that's the hat he came in." + +"Is that soa, Sammywell?" + +"Eah, this is my own hat." + +"Why, then, its what aw've tell'd thi monny a time,--its thee at doesn't +know ha to put it on. Th' hat ails nowt if ther wor some sense i'th +heead. Tha couldn't have a better. Its a blessin aw coomed wi thi or +else tha'd just ha thrown ten shillin away. Awm varry mich obliged to +yo, young man, for all th' trubble yo've takken to suit him, an aw +hardly like to goa aght withaat buyin summat. Yo happen dooant have onny +pooastage stamps?" + +"Oh, yes." + +"Then yo can let me have threehaupoth." + +"Certainly shall I send them?" + +"Nay, awm nooan to praad to hug mi own bundles. Gooid afternooin." + +"Good afternoon, Mrs. Grimes, glad to serve you at any time." + +"He's a varry civil chap is yond. Be sewer Sammywell tha allus gooas to +his shop when tha wants a pooastage stamp." + + + + +Sammywell Sweeps th' Chimley. + + +"Tha'rt booan idle, Sammywell, that's what's th' matter wi' thee!" + +"Mally, tha knows tha doesn't spaik trewth when tha says sich a thing; +for aw havn't a lazy booan i' mi skin an nivver had! Aw'll admit ther +are times when aw should be thankful for a bit ov a rest, but ther's no +rest whear tha art, tha taks care o' that." + +"Rest! It'll be time enuff to tawk abaat rest when tha's done summat! +Th' hardest wark tha ivver does is aitin an drinkin, an tha does'nt hawf +chew thi mait as tha should. When do aw get onny rest? Con ta tell me +that?" + +"Nay, aw connot. Aw wish aw could; but tha knows 'ther's noa rest for +the wicked,' soa what can ta expect." + +"Dooant let me hev onny o' thy back-handed tawk or aw'll let thee see +whear th' wickedness comes in! Are ta baan to goa an see after a Sweep +to come to this chimley, or are we to be smoored an have all th' bits o' +furnitur ruinated?" + +"Aw'll fotch thee hawf-a-duzzen sweeps if tha wants em, but why the +dickens could'nt ta say what tha wanted asteead o' startin blaghardin +me?" + +"Aw dooant want hawf-a-duzzen sweeps;--one'll be enuff for what ther is +to do, an aw shouldn't want one at all if awd a felly 'at wor worth his +salt, but tha can do nowt. Whativver sich shiftless fowk wor created for +licks me!" + +"Why tha doesn't think ivverybody should be born sweeps, does ta?" + +"Noa, ther's noa need for that. But when a chap isn't clivver enuff to +be a sweep, he owt still to have sense enuff to luk for one when ther's +one wanted. But aw know one thing, an that is, aw'll put on mi things, +an set off an leeav thi to it, an tha can awther sweep it, or get it +swept, or caar ith' haase wol tha gets sufficated, soa tha knows!" + +An wi that, Mally went upstairs to get don'd, leavin Sammywell to mak +th' best he could on it. In a varry few minnits, shoo wor daan agean, an +flingin a shillin on th' table shoo sed, "Thear's th' brass to pay th' +sweep if tha gets one, and be sewer to tell him net to mak onny moor +muck nor he can help, an aw'll cleean an fettle all up ith' mornin; an +if tha wants owt to ait, tha knows whear it is, an as for owt to sup, +tha'rt better baght, an tha knows tha spends sadly to mich," an away +shoo went. + +Sammywell set varry quiet for a minnit or two, studyin things, an then +he sed, "Ho! Soa that's it! Well, we shall see! Shoo's left a shillin +for th' sweep but nowt for me. Varry gooid.--Then it just comes to +this;--If aw fotch a sweep, he gets th' shillin an aw sit drymaath, but +if aw sweep it misen aw'st have a shillin to spend, soa here gooas!" an +he seized th' pooaker an varry sooin had th' foir scaled aght. + +"Aw dooant think it'll tak me aboon five minnits when aw start, an if aw +dooant mak sich a gooid job on it shoo'll nivver know unless shoo gooas +up to see, an' if shoo tries that trick it's sewer to be weel swept +bith' time shoo comes daan agean," an he put on his hat an went aght, +lockin' th' door after him. + +Wol he wor suppin his second two penoth, who should come in but his old +chum Parker. + +"Halloa, Sammy!" he sed, "What's up? Aw've just met th' mistress and +shoo sed shoo'd left thee at hooam, varry thrang." + +"Did shoo? Well, tha sees aw havn't started yet, but aw'st ha to mak a +beginnin varry sooin, tho aw must say its a job at's a bit aght o' my +line." + +"Why, whativver is it?" + +"Its nobbut th' chimley wants sweepin, an aw doant fairly know ha to set +abaat it." + +"Oh, if that's all, aw can tell thi ha to manage that. It willn't tak +thi aboon five minnits." + +"Thar't just th' chap aw wanted to see. Call for twopenoth for thisen an +then tell me ha to goa on." + +Parker didn't need axin twice, an when he'd getten it, he sed, + +"Tha doesn't keep hens, does ta?" + +"Noa, aw keep nowt but Mally an misen, an awr Hepsabah's childer th' +mooast oth' time." + +"Well, but some oth' naybors do; an tha could borrow one for a few +minnits. A gooid old cock wod be th' best." + +"Eeah, aw could get one at belangs th' chap at lives th' next door but +one. They're all off at their wark but aw could get one aght o' their +yard withaat axin." + +"Well, then, its easy enuff. All tha wants is a long piece o' string, an +a stooan teed at one end. Then tha mun get on top oth' haase an drop th' +stooan daan th' chimley, an it'll roll daan into th' foir-grate,--then +tee tother end oth' string to chicken's legs, and shove it, tail furst, +daan th' chimley pot, an then goa into th' haase an pool it daan th' +flue, an all th' sooit will come wi it, an it'll be a cleeaner job nor +if all th' sweeps ith' taan had been at it." + +"Bith' heart! Parker, aw'st nivver ha thowt o' that. Aw'll goa an do it +at once. Aw could do wi a job like this ivvery day ith' wick." + +Sammywell went hooam i' famous glee. He sooin gate some string an teed a +nice cobble stooan to th' end on it, an then he gate up onto th' +wesh-haase an easily climb'd onto th' thack. He made sewer which wor th' +reight chimley pot and dropt th' stooan daan as Parker had tell'd him an +daan it went till he could hear it rattle ith' empty foir-grate quite +plainly, an then he went daan agean to get th' chicken. + +It couldn't ha happened better, for thear wor th' old cock--a girt big +white en,--carr'd up in a corner whear th' sun wor shinin, fast asleep. +Sammywell had it under his arm in a twinklin, but it wornt quite as easy +gettin up on th' thack agean, but he managed it, an after a deeal o' +flutterin an squawkin, he teed it fast to tother end oth' string. But +shovin it daan th' Chimney pot wor noa easy matter, for it wor a varry +tight fit. Daan he went agean, as fast as he could, an as sooin as he +gate into th' haase he began to pull. + +My! but it wor a job! For a varry long time he couldn't stir it, but at +last he felt it wor commin, an then th' sooit began to roll daan i' +claads an he wor ommost smoored, but ther wor nowt for it but to keep +poolin at it even if he wor burried under it. + +It wor a varry unfortnat curcumstance at th' woman Mally had gooan to +see should be away throo hooam, for it caused her to turn back, thinkin +to hersen, at after all it wod happen be better for her to be at hooam +to superintend things if Sammywell had getten a sweep,--an shoo just +oppened th' door at th' same instant as th' cock flew into th' kitchen. +Shoo couldn't see Sammywell, for th' place wor full o' sooit, but shoo +could hear summat flyin raand, makkin a moast awful din, an pots an tins +smashin abaat i' all directions. + +Th' owd cock, seein th' door oppen, flew aght, catchin poor Mally fair +ith' face wi' its wings as it passed, an sendin her onto her back ith' +gutter, wi' her bonnet off, an her face blackened like a female christy +minstrel! + +Th' woman 'at lived opposite wor hingin aght some clooas, an th' cock +tried to fly ovver 'em, but th' string bein fast to its legs, browt it +daan fair i'th' middle on 'em, an what wi' th' din th' cock made, an th' +skrikes shoo made--for shoo thowt for sewer it wor th' owd dule +hissen--an Mally's grooans, it sooin browt aght Hepsabah an all th' +naybors, an it worn't till a poleeceman coom at onnybody could tell what +wor to do. + +Ov coarse, th' furst thing th' poleeceman did wor to arrest Mally for +bein drunk an disorderly, an ther's noa daat shoo lukt it; an then they +all made a rush to th' haase, for th' sooit wor rollin aght oth' door as +if th' place wor afire. Sittin on th' floor, ith' middle ov a cart looad +o' sooit, wor a poor human crayter, coffin an spittin,--(an some sed, +swearin,) an when he wor browt into th' dayleet, it wor Sammywell. + +As sooin as he could get his breeath, he started to shak hissen,--when +th' woman 'at belanged th' clooas hit him on th' heead wi a prop, an wod +ha done moor but Mally interfered. When th' scare wor ovver, th' naybor +wimmen did nowt but laff, an Sammywell and Mally went into th' haase an +shut th' door. + +"Whativver has ta been doing?" axt Mally. + +"Aw've been sweepin th' chimley," sed Sammywell. + +"An a bonny job tha's made on it. If tha can find onny sooap an watter +onnywhear, goa and gie thisen a gooid swill an then change thi' clooas, +an leeav me to tackle this mess. Aw dooant blame thee a bit moor nor aw +blame misen, for knowin what a fooil tha art, and what a mullock tha +allus maks ov ivverything tha offers to do, aw owt to ha had moor sense +nor mention sich a thing to thi." + +Sammywell thowt th' less he sed an th' better, an he went at once to do +as he wor tell'd. He wor as anxious to get away as shoo wor to be shut +on him, an as he wor gooin aght, Mally sed,-- + +"Whear are ta gooin an what are ta gooin to do?" + +"Awm gooin to a funeral befoor tha sees me agean." + +"Aw didn't know onnybody wor deead. Who's funeral will it be?" + +"Parker's." + + + + +Hepsabah's Hat. + + +"Some fowk are nivver satisfied! Aw've noa patience wi' sich like! Th' +moor some fowk have an th' moor they want. Ther wor noa sich stinkin +pride when aw wor young; but young folk nah dooant know what ails em. +When aw wor a lass it wor thowt to be quite enuff if one wor plainly an +respectably donned, an if they had onny pride, it wor to know at ther +underclooas wor cleean an sweet an fit to be seen, but nah it's all top +finery an fluff they think abaat; but if they'd darn ther stockins an +wesh ther shifts a bit ofter, asteead o' wantin to spooart new gaons an +hats ivvery few days it ud seem em better. At onnyrate, them's my +sentiments." + +"Why, Mally lass, what's set thi off agean? Has somdy been sayin at tha +doesn't darn thi stockins an keep thi clooas cleean?" + +"Noa ther hasn't, an tha knows nubdy could ivver say such a thing abaat +me. It's awr Hepsabah at's started me, if tha wants to know!" + +"What's shoo been up to agean? Sewerly tha's moor sense not to tak +nooatice o' owt shoo says." + +"Aw connot help bein worritted when shoo's put abaght, an shoo's full o' +trubble,--an aw connot say at aw wonder at it." + +"Why if th' lass is full o' trubble shoo's to be sympathised wi. Has her +husband come hooam druffen or what?" + +"Tha knows better nor that! Her husband has summat else to do wi his +brass nor to teem it daan his throit. He's net like some fowk as aw +could mention. But tha knows they've hard to scrat to pay ther way an +keep up his club, an awr Hepsabah has a gooid deeal o' pride, an yond +hat o' hers is hardly fit to be seen in at warty, nivver name Sundy, an +shoo connot affoord another, an th' poor child's ommost heartbrokken." + +"Bless mi life! That's easy to set straight! Connot ta lend her one o' +thy bonnets?" + +"Tha artn't worth tawkin to! Does ta think a young lass, (for shoo's +little moor,) wod goa to th' chapel in an old woman's bonnet? If shoo'd +had lot's o' father's they'd ha bowt her one." + +"Happen soa;--but tha sees shoo hasn't a lot o' father's,--shoo's nobbut +getten me,--but if buyin her a bit ov a bonnet will set matters straight +aw could sewerly manage that." + +"Nah tha'rt tawkin sense. Aw tell'd her if shoo'd nobbut ax thi tha'd +nooan see her kept i'th haase for th' want ov a hat. But shoo sed tha'd +allus been soa gooid to her at shoo couldn't for shame to mention it. +But, tha knows, tha cannot buy her a hat unless shoo gooas wi thi." + +"W ell,--tell her to put her things on an we'll goa an get her messured +for one at once." + +"Tha tawks as if tha wor gooin to get her a coffin asteead ov a hat. +Wimmen dooant get messured for hats." + +"Oh, dooant they. Well, tell her to get ready an luk sharp." + +Mally left Sammywell smookin his pipe an went to carry gooid news to +Hepsabah. + +"Nah, Hepsabah lass,--aw've managed to tawk thi father into th' humour +to buy thi a hat. A'a! but aw've had a job! Come this minnit for fear he +changes his mind; an see tha gets a gooid en wol tha's th' chonce." +Sammywell wor capt to see em back soa sooin, but tellin em to sit daan a +bit wol he went up stairs, he left em an went to put summat into his +purse, an wor rayther surprised at Mally didn't follow to see ha mich he +tuk, for he had to goa into a box whear they kept ther savins at wor +nivver suppooased to be touched except on special occasions. + +"Aw shalln't need mich for a job o' this sooart," he sed, "if aw +remember reightly that straw hat aw bowt last summer nobbut cost me +eighteen pence, an shoo willn't want one as big as that; but awst nooan +be to two-a-three penoth o' copper; an aw mud as weel have a bit extra +to swagger wi." Soa he tuk a couple o' soverins,--ov coarse intendin to +bring em back, an then hurried off wi Hepsabah as fast as he could for +fear Mally wod ax some questions he didn't want to answer. + +"Whear are we to goa?" he axt as soon as they wor aght o'th seet o'th +haase. + +"Aw think Pinchems an Twitchems will be th' best place," sed Hepsabah. + +"Just whearivver tha likes, an be sewer tha gets one to suit thi." + +When they gate to th' shop, Sammywell felt like holdin back, for he'd +nivver been i' sich a place befoor, but he screwed his courage up, an +tellin' Hepsabah to lead th' way he follered, feelin like a fish aght o' +watter. + +Hepsabah walked in as if shoo owned th' shop, an spaikin to a gentleman, +they wor shown up stairs whear ther wor sich a lot o' wimmin tryin hats +on, an sich a lot o' young lasses fussin abaat an attendin to em, wol +Sammywell wor fairly flammergasted amang it. One nice young woman browt +him a cheer to sit on, but he darn't ventur 'on it, for it lukt as if it +wor made o' black sealin wax, but Hepsabah flopt daan on it as if shoo'd +been used to sittin o' sich articles all her life. Sammywell whispered +to her to be as sharp as shoo could, an stood watchin what wor gooin on. +Then th' young woman coom agean wi her armful o' what lukt to be flaars +an feathers an ribbins all jumbled in a lump, but which proved to be +what they called hats, an as shoo put furst one an then another on to +Hepsabah, he wor fairly surprised to discover what a bonny lukkin woman +his dowter wor; an when shoo axt him which he liked best, he could +nobbut say, "onny on em! suit thisen, lass!" an th' young woman smiled +at him an sed, "It's nice when a gentleman likes to see his wife well +dressed," an Sammywell blushed an sed "Hem! hem!" but didn't undeceive +her. After tryin on abaat a scoor, nooan seemin to exactly suit +Hepsabah, th' young woman browt another, an Sammywell's e'en fairly +sparkled. "By th' heart!" he sed, "but that's what aw call a Bobby +Dazzler!" an it wor plain to be seen at Hepsabah thowt soa too. "Aw +should like it," shoo sed, "but awm feeared it'll cost a lot." + +"Tha's nowt to do wi that. It's me at's to pay for it!" soa in a few +minnits it wor packt in a box, an handed to her, an Sammywell tell'd her +to tak it an get aghtside an wait for him an he'd bi wi her as sooin as +he'd sattled for it. Hepsabah's face wor all smiles, tho' ther wor just +a glisten o' tears in her een as shoo went away. + +"An nah, young woman," sed Sammywell, as he held his purse in his hand, +"ha mich do yo want?" + +Shoo handed him th' bill, but he seemed as if he couldn't mak it aght, +soa he put on his spectacles. "This is a mistak, Miss," he sed, "aw've +nobbut agreed to pay for one." + +"That's quite right, sir," shoo sed, "One hat,--twenty two and six." + +"Twenty two fiddlesticks!" + +"No, sir, twenty two shillings and six pence. That's not much for a +gentleman to pay for his wife's hat." + +"But shoo isn't mi wife! Shoo's nobbut mi dowter!" + +"No one would think you had a daughter so old;--you must have married +very young," sed th' young woman smilin at him in a way at made him feel +funny all ovver. + +He sed noa moor but handed her two soverins; shoo gave him his change, +an he made th' best ov his way into th' street where Hepsabah wor waitin +for him; then he lained his back agean a lamp-pooast as if he wor too +waik to stand. + +"Do yo feel sick, father?" sed Hepsabah. + +"Eeah, aw think aw've getten a bit ov a sickener." + +"It wor varry warm i' that shop." + +"Eeah,--its th' hottest shop aw've ivver been in." + +"Yo see, yo arn't used to buyin hats." + +"Noa, an awm net likely to get used to it. Aw hooap thar't suited." + +"O, father,--its a beauty! If aw can nobbut get my chap to buy me a +costume to match it!" + +"Tha'll nivver do that, Hepsabah, becoss he connot. If he'd to buy thee +a costoom, as tha calls it, to match that, an pay for it at th' same +rate as aw've paid for that hat, it ud cost him aboon a thaasand paand! +What does to think it's cost me?" + +"Aw can't guess." + +"Twenty two shillin an sixpence! That's true whether tha believes it or +net." + +"Is that all! Why its as cheap as muck." + +"Well, mak th' best on it, for tha'll get noa moor muck at th' same +price aght o' me. But promise me at tha'll nivver tell thi mother! If +shoo'd to get to know shoo wodn't be able to sleep for a wick. It's a +scandlus shame, an aw've been swindled! Why, tha owt to ha getten a hat +as big as a umbrella for that price." + +"Well, if yo hadn't wanted me to have it yo shouldn't ha sed soa." + +"Aw did want thi to have it, but it's price aw connot get ovver. Why it +weighs nowt hardly. Its cost aboon five shillin an aance. Thee goa in an +show it to thi mother an aw'll goa an get summat to steady mi narves." + +Sammywell tried to keep his spirits up wi puttin some spirits daan, but +he couldn't manage it, an it wor wi fear an tremblin at he lifted th' +sneck when he went hooam. All lukt breet an cheerful an th' supper wor +on th' table, an Mally's face showed noa sign o' ill temper. "Thank +gooidness," he sed to hissen, "shoo hasn't been upstairs to caant th' +brass yet." + +"Come thi ways to thi supper, Sammywell, aw wor gettin uneasy abaat +thi." + +"Has Hepsabah been?" he axt. + +"Eeah. An shoo's shown me her new hat, an aw must say aw didn't gie thi +credit for havin sich gooid taste. Shoo's famously suited, an awm +pleeased to think tha's acted as a father should act for once. Aw do +believe if tha could nobbut live long enuff aw should be able to mak a +daycent chap on thi at th' finish." + +"Did shoo say owt abaght what it cost?" + +"Nay shoo didn't, an aw nivver axt her, for aw know tha'd nooan be +likely to give mich; but if aw thowt aw could get one like it for owt +under five an twenty shillin awd be after one i'th mornin." + +"Well, but tha connot,--for ther's nivver been but one made o' that +pattern." + +"Ther'd happen be one ov another pattern to suit me." + +"Ther's noa moor ov onny sooart whativver; for th' chap at keeps that +shop is gooin to retire from business to-neet an start a bank i'th +mornin,--an noa wonder." + +"Onnybody'd think to listen to thi at tha didn't thoil it. Aw know ha +mich brass tha tuk wi thi an if tha's spent it all, what bi that! Tha +doesn't buy thi dowter a hat ivvery wick! an its far cheaper to buy a +daycent article nor to squander yor brass on a lot o' rubbish. Shoo's +varry careful ov her clooas is Hepsabah, an tha'll see it'll ha lasted +weel bi th' time tha gooas to buy her another." + +"That's a moral sartainty. If that hat lasts her wol aw buy her another +it'll last a long time." + +"Say noa moor abaat it. Tha's suited us an if tha hasn't suited thisen +its thi own fault. Aw thowt tha desarved a bit ov a treeat soa aw +fotched thi a drop o' thi favourite, an if tha doesn't want it all +thisen aw dooant mind havin a drop." + +"That's all reight, Mally, an awm glad tha'rt soa thowtful, but aw +connot help thinkin tha'rt a varry inconsistent woman." + +"Nah then! If tha'rt gooin to start callin me names aw willn't have a +drop!" + +"Aw dooant want to call thi names, but facts are stubborn things. If aw +happen to goa an get two-penoth into mi heead tha praiches at me for a +full clockhaar abaat th' sin ov extravagance an th' blessins ov economy; +but awr Hepsabah can wear a hat at's cost as mich as aw could buy a +distillary for, an that's all reight." + +"If tha bowt a distillery, Sammywell, nawther thee nor it wod last as +long as awr Hepsabah's hat, soa things are better as they are. Hand +ovver what change tha's getten i' thi pocket an then sup up an let's get +off to bed, an be thankful tha's getten a dowter to buy a hat for, an a +wife at advises thee allus for th' best." + +"All reight, lass,--awm ready,--but aw connot for th' life o' me see +what awr Hepsabah's hat has to do wi young wimmen darnin ther stockins +an weshin ther shifts." + +"A'a, Sammywell! Ther's a deeal o' things abaat wimmen at tha has to +leearn yet." + +"Aw believe there is,--but twenty two an sixpence a lesson is a trifle +aboon my cut." + + + + +Old Dave to th' New Parson. + + +"Soa, yo're th' new parson, are yo? + Well, awm fain to see yo've come; +Yo'll feel a trifle strange at furst, + But mak yorsen at hooam. + +Aw hooap yo'll think nor war o' me, + If aw tell what's in mi noddle, +Remember, if we dooant agree, + It's but an old man's twaddle. + +But aw might happen drop a hint, + 'At may start yo to thinkin; +Awd help yo if aw saw mi way, + An do it too, like winkin. + +Awm net mich up o' parsons,-- + Ther's some daycent ens aw know; +They're smart enuff at praichin, + But at practice they're too slow. + +For dooin gooid nooan can deny + Ther chonces are mooast ample; +If they'd give us fewer precepts, + An rayther moor example. + +We need a friend to help waik sheep, + Oe'r life's rough ruts an boulders;-- +Ther's a big responsibility + Rests on a parson's shoulders. + +But oft ther labor's all in vain, + Noa matter ha persistent; +Becoss ther taichin an ther lives + Are hardly quite consistent. + +Ther's nowt can shake ther faith in God, + When bad is growing worse; +An nowt abate ther trust, unless + It chonce to touch ther purse. + +They say, "Who giveth to the poor, + Lends to the Lord," but yet, +They all seem varry anxious, + Net to get the Lord in debt. + +But wi my fooilish nooations + Mayhap yo'll net agree,-- +Its like enuff 'at awm mistaen,-- + But it seems that way to me. + +If yo hear a clivver sarmon, + Yor attention it command's, +If yo know at th' praicher's heart's as white + As what he keeps his hands. + +Ther's too mich love ov worldly ways, + An too mich affectation; +They work i'th' vinyard a few days, + Then hint abaat vacation. + +He has to have a holiday + Because he's worked soa hard;-- +Well, aw allus think 'at labor + Is desarvin ov reward. + +What matters, tho' his little flock + A shepherd's care is wantin: +Old Nick may have his run o'th' fold + Wol he's off galavantin. + +Aw dooant say 'at yo're sich a one, + Yo seem a gradely sooart; +But if yo' th' Gospel armour don, + Yo'll find it isn't spooart. + +Dooant sell yor heavenly birthright, + For a mess ov worldly pottage: +But spend less time i'th' squire's hall + An moor i'th' poor man's cottage. + +Point aght the way an walk in it, + They'll follow, one bi one, +An when yo've gained yor journey's end, + Yo'll hear them words, "Well done." + +A Christian soldier has to be, + Endurin, bold an brave; +Strong in his faith he'll sewerly win, + As sewer as my name's Dave." + + + + +Sammywell's Eggsperiment. + + +"If my memory sarves me reightly, Mally, its abaght forty year sin aw +tell'd thee at aw liked a boil'd egg for mi braikfast, an it seems tha's +nivver forgetten it, for it seems to me at tha's nivver gein me owt +else, an awm just abaat sick o'th seet on em." + +"Ther's nivver onny suitin thee, Sammywell, what aw do for thi, an as to +givin thi eggs to thi braikfast for forty year, tha knows it isn't true, +for aw dooant think tha's had em moor nor once a month, if that. But tha +needn't freeat abaat that, for at th' price eggs is nah, its just like +aitin brass. Aw've gien em to thi a time or two latly becoss tha +complained abaat feelin waik, an ther's nowt at's moor strength nor +eggs." + +"If this is a sample aw believe tha'rt reight, for this is strong enuff +to drive me aght o'th haase. Eggs is nivver fit to ait unless they're +fresh, and tha owt to know that." + +"It's a queer thing if that isn't fresh, for aw nobbut bowt a duzzen off +Judy Jooans yesterdy, an shoo declared shoo laid em hersen." + +"Then that accaants for it, for its just th' soort ov a egg at aw should +fancy Judy wod lay. When tha buys onny moor, be sewer they've been laid +wi a nice young pullet an then they willn't poison a chap. That's ommost +browt mi heart up." + +"If that's all tha hadn't mich to bring up, but if tha wor like other +husbands tha'd set to wark an fix that cellar up, an buy some hens an +then tha'd know who laid em. But tha'll do nowt nobbut sit o' thi +backside an smook or else spend thi time i' some public wi a glass anent +thi. Aw wonder sometimes ha tha can fashion to pool up to th' table an +ait at all. But ther's nowt trubbles thee soa long as tha gets thi belly +full an has a shillin i' thi pocket an a gooid bed to come to at neet." + +"Why, when aw mentioned keepin hens last spring, tha flew up in a +tantrum, an sed tha'd have nooan sich powse abaat th' haase, but if tha +thinks we could do wi some aw'll get some to-day. This is Setterdy an +ther's allus plenty to be had i'th market. Aw think it ud be a gooid +idea for ther's nowt awm fonder on nor a fresh egg in a drop o' rum in a +mornin." + +"Rum agean! It's th' topmost thowt i' thi mind. If aw live longer nor +thee, aw'll put a bottle into thi coffin. Tho' if aw did, aw do believe +tha'd get up an sup it. But if tha likes to goa an buy a couple o' nice +hens an fix a place up for em, tha can tak this five shillin an see what +tha can do. An if tha brings me mi reight change an doesn't stop long, +aw'll see if aw cannot have summat for thi at tha'll like." + +"Aw'll hunt up old blind Billy, an get a couple off him, becoss aw know +he's honest, an ther's net monny honest fowk i'th hen trade." + +Sammywell worn't long befoor he wor off, an as he wor passin th' Market +Tavern, he saw blind Billy commin aght. He tell'd him just what he +wanted, an Billy sed, "As far as aw can see, tha's just come at th' +reight time, for aw've three grand young pullets at's all ready for +layin, an aw'll let thi have em cheap. Six shillin for three; and +they're cheap at seven an sixpence." + +"Nay, tha axes too much, they're sich little ens." + +"Aw nivver saw three bigger at that price," he sed, an as he wor born +stooan blind that wor true. + +"Aw'll gie thi five shillin, an strike th' bargain just nah," sed +Sammywell. + +"Tha'rt a hard customer, but as we've had monny a drink together, tha +shall have em." + +Soa th' brass an th' chickens changed hands an Sammywell wor sooin back +hooam wi his bargain. + +"Tha hasn't been long," sed Mally, as shoo lukt at th' hens, "an whear's +mi change?" + +"Ha mich change did ta expect aght o' five shillin, when aw've browt thi +three layin pullets?" + +"If awd gien thi ten it ud just ha been th' same an aw owt to ha had +moor sense nor to ax. But nah tha's getten em, whear does ta intend to +put em?" + +"Aw'll put em i' yond old hamper 'at's i'th' cellar. Aw cannot fix a +place for em befoor Monday." + +"Noa, but tha can beg an old box or two or a few booards wol tha'rt aght +to-day an then tha'll have all ready for a start." + +Sundy mornin saw Sammywell up i' gooid time, an his first job wor to +feed his chickens. He felt quite like a farmer in a small way. Then +Mally had to goa an peep at em. "Sammywell! come hither this minnit!" +shoo called aght, an he ran daan fit to braik his neck. "Peep into that +corner," shoo sed, as shoo raised th' hamper lid. An thear sewer enuff; +ther wor a nice white egg. He picked it aght gently an they booath +examined it, an they thowt they'd nivver seen one as nice befoor. + +"What mun we do wi it?" sed Mally. + +"Aw think th' best thing to do wi it will be to ait it." + +"It ommost luks a shame, but still aw suppooas that's what its for. Aw +wonder which laid it. Does ta think it wor th' black en or th' braan en? +Aw fancy it wor th' white en." + +"Eeah, aw think it must ha been th' white en," sed Sammywell, "but get +it boiled an we'll share it." + +They wor as pleeased as two childer ovver ther braikfast, an it had +seldom happened at they'd booath been in sich a gooid temper as they wor +when they started for th' chapel. Sammywell had oppened th' cellar +winder to let some air in, an after lockin th' door they wor just +startin off, when what should they see but that white chicken pickin +away i'th fould. + +"Nah, tha sees what tha's done! Tha's left th' lid off that hamper! Aw +wish tha'd let things alooan at tha doesn't understand. Tha knows nowt +abaat chickens." + +"It's thi own fault for leeavin th' cellar winder oppen! Onny fooil mud +ha known better nor that. But let's drive it back, if we leeav it aght +it'll be lost." + +"Shoo shoo," went Sammy, an "Shoo shoo," went Mally, but th' chicken +seemed to tak varry little nooatice, until Sammywell made a click at it, +then it gave a scream an ran between his legs, an seemed detarmined to +goa onnywhear except to th' cellar winder. Hepsabah wor lukkin aght o'th +winder an saw what they wor tryin to do, soa shoo coom aght wi th' long +brush to help em, an little Jerrymier coom to help too. "Nah, gently +does it," sed Sammywell, an they gethered raand in a ring an it lukt as +if they wor just gooin to nab it, when Jerrymier sed "Shoo, shoo" an +away it flew, clean ovver ther heeads, daan th' ginnel an aght into +Westgate. + +"Tha young taistrel!" sed Sammywell, but he off after it as hard as he +could, an a fine race it gave him. Up one street an daan another they +went, but Sammywell's blooid wor up an he worn't gooin to be lickt wi a +bit ov a chicken. Th' streets wor lined wi fowk gooin to chapel or +church, an they shook ther heeads in a varry meeanin way, an some on em +turned up th' whites o' ther een as if they wor tryin to see th' inside +o' ther heeads, but Sammywell went on an nivver lost seet o'th chicken. +They'd ommost getten to th' taan hall, when they coom to a spice shop an +th' door wor oppen, an in it popt. "Nah, aw've getten thi!" he sed, an +he follered it in an shut th' door. + +Th' young woman i'th shop wor capt when it jumpt onto th' caanter. +"Catch it, mistress!" sed Sammy, an shoo clickt at it, but it flew i'th +winder, an nivver mind if it didn't mak th' mint drops fly! Then it gate +aght an swept all th' glass ornaments off th' shelf an peearked up on +th' shandileer; Sammy struck at it wi his umberell, but he missed it, an +gave th' young woman's heead sich a crack wol it rang like a pot. Then +he oppened th' door an as luck wod have it, it flew aght. Sammy flew +aght too, an th' woman ran after him, holdin booath hands to her heead +an cryin "Murder!" + +That wor enough to start all th' lads 'at should ha been at Sundy +schooil after Sammywell, but he didn't care. After it he ran an at last +it flew into a ass-middin, an nah he felt sewer on it. It tried to fly +aght but it couldn't, but ther wor noa way to get it but to goa in after +it. He wished he hadn't had on his best Sundy suit, but ther wor no help +for it. He managed to crawl in, an in a minnit he wor up to his knees i' +ass an puttaty pillins. Th' chicken raised sich a dust wi flutterin +abaat wol he wor ommost chooaked an blinded, but he grabbed it an wor +sooin aght, lukkin as if somedy'd been shakin a flaar seck ovver his +heead. Th' lads set up a shaat, but he tuk noa nooatice, an made th' +best of his way towards hooam, takkin care net to goa past th' spice +shop, for he didn't think it wor a proper day for business like that 'at +wod be waitin for him. Mally an Hepsabah follered bi a lot o'th naybors, +wor commin to see what had become on him, an when they saw what a pictur +he'd made ov hissen, they fairly skriked wi laffin--all but Mally. Shoo +wor soa mad wol shoo couldn't spaik. + +Just as they'd getten to th' end o'th ginnel, old Zekil saw him, and +sed--"Heigh up, thear! What are ta dooin wi that chicken?" + +"Awm takkin it whear it belangs." + +"That's my chicken, put it daan an mell on it agean at thi peril." + +"Nay, Zekil," sed Mally, "it's awr chicken, for Sammywell bowt it +yesterdy an its laid us a egg this mornin." + +"Aw tell yo it's mine! It's nivver laid onny eggs, for it's a cock. Aw +can own it becoss its tail feathers is brokken." + +Sammywell lukt at it, "aw wish its neck had been brokken," he sed. + +Zekil tuk it an made off wi it, an Sammywell an Mally went hooam; "Goa +into th' cellar an see for thisen," sed Mally, "Awm as sewer yond's awr +chicken as aw've a nooas o' my face." + +He went to see, and there wor his three chickens just as he'd left em. + +"Nah, what am aw to do? Theas clooas'll nivver be like thersen agean, an +awm wellny choaked." + +"Tha desarves twice as mich as tha's getten! To think at a chap has +lived to thy time o' life an connot tell th' difference between a cock +an a hen. Tha must be daft." + +"Daft! Soa are ta daft! Tha knew noa moor nor me. But tha can tak thi +chickens, an goa to blazes wi em for owt aw care! It wor thee at wanted +em, it wor nooan o' me!" + +"Tha'rt net spaikin trewth--" + +"Well, tha'rt another! If it hadn't been for thee awst ha been i'th +chapel this minnit." + +"Tha'rt happen as weel at hooam, for tha'rt nooan in a fit state o' mind +for th' chapel." + +"Awm nooan in a fit state o' body nawther aw think. Just luk at theas +clooas!" + +"Goa upstairs an change em, an aw'll see what aw can do wi em. Tha'rt +th' biggest fool aw ivver met i' my life." + + + + +What came of a Clock Almanac. + + +Rosa and Louisa Mellit wor dressmakkers--they'd nawther father nor +mother, an nowt to live on but what they could addle wi ther fingers, an +that worn't mich; for tho' they'd had a bit ov a shop for ten year, +asteead o'th' customers gettin mooar, they gate steadily less--nah an +then they'd a dress to mak for a sarvant lass or some o'th naybors' +wives or dowters, but when th' dresses wor made an sent hooam, monny a +time they didn't get paid for em for months an months, an often enuff +they nivver finger'd th' brass at all. + +Soa as th' years went on things went from bad to worse, an asteead o' +payin ready money for jock as they bowt, they'd to get it on th' strap, +until ther worn't a place near whear they'd trust em onny mooar. They'd +selled as much o' ther furnitur as they could till they'd nowt else left +at onnybody wod buy; an they'd popt bits o' things, sich as books an +odds an ends, till they'd nowt else left to pop. An nah th' rent day wor +next mornin, an barrin abaat hawf a soverin they hadn't onnythin to pay +it wi. + +"If we could nobbut get us own debts paid," sed Louisa one neet, when +th' shutters were up an they wor talkin things ovver, "we could do +nicely--awm sewer Missis Rhodes could pay that three paand shoo owes us +easy enuff if shoo wod." + +"Aw ax'd her to-day," sed Rosa, "an shoo sed shoo'd try an let us have +five shillin at Midsummer." + +"What's five shillin then, when we've eight paand ten to pay to morn?" + +They booath sat ovver a handful o' coils ther wor i'th grate an sed nowt +for a bit, then Rosa sed, + +"Ther's yond length o' black silk we've had soa long, that piece Missis +Jackson ordered an then wod'nt tak; we mun sell that, it cost fower +paand, happen we can get three for it. Whear is it?" + +Louisa gate up an fotch'd it off a shelf--it wor tied up in a piece o' +paper, an when shoo oppened it aght, it must ha getten damp somehah, for +it wor all i' patches o' white mowd, an fairly ruinated. + +Then booath on em burst into tears when they saw it, and sat daan ageean +an sobbed for long enuff. + +"Ther's nowt for it but to be turn'd aght o'th haase an goa an work i' a +mill," sed Louisa. + +"Eeah! dear-a-me, to think o' us commin to that." An they booath cried +ageean. + +"We must have summat at we can sell," Rosa sobbed in a bit, "what's +getten mother's brooach?" + +"We sell'd that to pay th' doctor's bill when poor owd Hamer next door +had th' fever soa long." "So we did, awd forgetten." + +Ageean nawther on em spake for a bit, an th' wind howl'd raaad th' +haase, an rain beat ageean th' panes, an all on a sudden Rosa jump'd up +an sed-- + +"Louisa, dooan't yo' remember when mother wor deein, shoo sed ther wor a +little tin box i' her trunk, an at if ivver we wor i' onny trouble we +wor to look inside ov it." + +"Aw think aw do, but aw nivver saw th' box, whear is it?" + +"Aw dooan't know, unless its i'th trunk still, let's hev a look for it." + +They gate a cannel an went upstairs, an varry sooin coom daan ageean wi +a owd tin trunk at they put on th' hearthstun. Louisa oppened it, an +start'd rummagin abaat amang a whole lot o' odds an ends o' wearin +apparel, an reight daan i'th bottom corner her hand coom agean summat +hard. + +"Here it is," shoo sed, as shoo pool'd aght a little flat tin box, abaat +eight inches long an six inches wide an appen hawf an inch thick. + +One end ov it wor made to slide off, but it wor soa rusty for want o' +use 'at it tuk a bit o' bother to loise it, but at last off it coom, an +Louisa put in her finger and pool'd aght--not a savins bank book wi a +gooid raand sum o' money on its pages--but three owd numbers o'th Clock +Almanack. + +Poor lasses, they'd been expectin sich things aght o' this box, at when +they saw what it contain'd they booath started o' cryin agean. + +"Poor mother," sed Rosa, "shoo allus used to say 'at if shoo wor low +spirit'd or i' trubble th' "Clock Almanack" allus cheer'd her up, an +shoo must ha thowt it wod cheer us up too." + +An then they cried agean, for nawther on em felt at all inclin'd for +readin noa comic stooaries, or thowt at they'd find much comfort i'th +Yorksher dialect that neet; soa Louisa put em back into th' box an +nivver oppen'd em--but as th' box wor rayther thin, shoo had to slide em +in one at a time, an as shoo wor puttin in th' second one, th' remainin +almanac slipt off her knee onto th' floor, an tho' shoo didn't see it, a +bit o' white paper fell aght ov it an lay under th' table. + +When th' box wor put away they went to bed withaat supper, an cried +thersens to sleep, an th' paper laid thear under th' table all neet, an +a couple o' braan mice play'd all raand it, an used it insteead ov a +table cloth to eat ther supper off. + +I'th mornin when Rosa coom daan to leet th' fire th' piece o' paper wor +th' furst thing shoo saw when shoo took th' shut daan; shoo picked it up +an turn'd it ovver, an thear if it worn't a Ten Paand Bank o' England +Nooat. Tawk abaat rejoicins, jewbilee days is nowt to that mornin. +Louisa nearly went off her chump an they'd th' best braikfast they'd had +for years. + +They hadn't noa daat as to whear it had come thro' for it wor dated th' +year at ther mother deed, they knew at it must ha been hers, an it had +no daat been i'th trunk an tummell'd aght when they wor turnin things +ovver--they had another look but ther wor noa mooar. It wor Rosa at +look'd, but as shoo knew ther were nowt i'th little tin box but Clock +Almanacks, shoo didn't oppen it. + +As sooin as th' banks oppen'd Louisa went an gate th' nooat chang'd soa +as to be ready for th' lanlord when he coom, an when shoo gate back Rosa +met her at th' door wi a smillin face, and sed, at Missis Rhodes had +browt th' three paand shoo owed em, an ordered a new black silk dress +beside; soa they gate daan th' mouldy piece at they'd look'd at th' neet +befooar, an to ther joy they faand aght at th' stains wor only on th' +two aghtside folds, an inside it wor all reight an wod mak th' dress +weel enuff. + +They'd a happy day as yo can guess, an at dinner time they sent a bit o' +beef an Yorksher puddin to a poorly woman at liv'd daan th' yard, an +like all fowk at does a gooid turn to them at's war off nor thersens, +they felt better for it. That neet when th' shop wor shut, they sat daan +beside th' assnook an began o' tawkin ha different things seemed thro' +what they had done th' neet befooar. + +"Just to think," sed Rosa, "last neet we'd nobbut ten shillin an th' +rent to pay; an naah we've th' rent paid, an nearly five paand beside, +an a dress to mak into th' bargain." + +"Eah!" Louisa went on, "an just fancy sellin yond owd bonnet at we've +had soa long, to that owd woman at sed shoo couldn't bide new fashioned +things." + +"Well we've had bad luck long enuff, aw hope it'll turn nah--if we could +nobbut get a bit o' brass, we'd buy Miss Simpson's shop i' front +street." An soa they tawked on poor lasses i'th gladness o' ther hearts, +for it wor wi them as it is wi a seet o' others i' this cowd hard world, +they'd had soa mich claady weather at a bit o' sunshine wor ommost mooar +nor they could understand. After they'd had ther supper, Louisa sed, +"Rosa, last neet aw felt as if aw couldn't bear to read in them owd +Clock Almanacs o' mothers, but aw feel to-neet as if a gooid stooary +wodn't come amiss." + +"Aw'll read one," sed Rosa, an shoo gate up an gate th' little tin case +aght o'th box, an took th' Almanacs aght:-- + +"Ther's eighteen seventy fower, an five, an six, which shall aw read +aght on?" + +"Th' owdest one," Louisa answered, "tho' noa daat they'll all be gooid." + +Rosa pickt seventy fower aght, an oppen'd it, an as shoo did soa a crisp +bit o' white paper fell aght, Louisa catcht it befooar it gate to th' +floor, an thear it wor a five paand nooat. + +"Turn ovver th' leeaves," Louisa cried, "Quick! Quick!" + +Rosa did soa, an a reglar little shaar o' nooats fell aght--it wor th +same i'th t'other Almanacs, an when they'd gooan throo all th' pages +they'd quite a little pile on em--some wor fivers, some tenners, an ther +wor one for twenty paand. "Aw see wot dear, dear mother meant when shoo +sed if ivver we wor i' onny trubble, we wor to luk into th' little tin +box." + +Ther wor nearly three hundred paand altogether, an poor lasses they +nivver went to bed all neet, for fear o' theives braikin in an +stailin--an next mornin they nivver oppen'd th' shop, but went straight +away to Miss Simpson's and bowt her shop, stock an gooid will, an all, +an paid brass daan for it. + +They've nivver luk'd behund em since, tho' its mooar nor two year sin +this happened; tho' Rosa's gooan aght o' bisniss, becoss shoo's wed a +clerk in a bank; an Louisa's baan to be married at Kursmiss to a chap at +has a shop next door, an they're baan to break a door thro' an roll both +shops into one. + +On th' furst ov October ivvery year as sooin as th' Clock Almanack comes +aght, they booath on em run an buy th' first copy at ivver they can lig +ther hands on, for th' varry seet ov th' red an yoller cover maks em +think o'th happiest moment at ivver they had i' ther lives. + +It isn't often at ther's soa mich brass faand inside a Clock Almanack, +but ther's monny an monny a paands worth ov innocent amusement to be +faand in its pages, an they're odd kind o' fowk at connot thoil to spend +a threepeny bit on one, or think ther brass is wasted. + + + + +Sammywell's Reformation. + + +"Mally! If tha cannot scale th' foir baght makkin that din, let it +alooan!" + +"When aw want thee to tell me ha to scale a foir aw'll ax thi! Aw should +think aw've lived long enuff to know that mich. It mun awther be scaled +or it'll goa aght." + +"Then let it goa aght! If tha maks a racket like that agean tha'll goa +aght whativver comes o'th foir, or if tha doesn't aw'll pitch thi on th' +top on it! Oh my poor heead! aw wish tha had it for hawf an haar, then +tha'd know summat." + +"Awm nooan soa sewer abaat that! Tha's had it ivver sin aw knew thi an +its varry little at tha knows!" + +"Aw know it'll drive me aght o' mi senses if it doesn't stop." + +"Well, tha willn't have far to goa, that's one blessin. Bless mi life! +its nobbut a touch o'th tooithwark." + +"Nobbut a touch isn't it? If tha'd to be touched i'th same way tha +wodn't live five minnits. As it happens, it isn't th' tooithwark at all, +it's th' newralgy aw've getten into mi heead." + +"Well, be thankful at tha's getten summat in it at last, for its been +empty long enuff, an that owt to be fain whether its newralgy or +oldralgy. Aw've noa patience wi thi, for if ther's th' leeast thing ails +thi tha upsets all th' haase. When awr Hepsabah's Jerrymier had it he +hardly made a muff, an he did have it wi a vengence, poor child." + +"Awd like to know if ther's owt i' this world at Jerrymier hasn't had? +If awd to come hooam wi mi neck brokken tha'd declare at Jerrymier had +had his brokken monny a time, an seemed to enjoy it! Aw wish he'd nivver +been born for he's th' plague o' my life!" + +"It mud ha been a gooid job for him if he nivver had been born, an th' +same could be sed abaat moor nor him, soa tha can crack that nut." + +"Tha'd tawk abaat crackin nuts if tha'd th' face ache like me. +O-o-o-o-h! aw believe th' top o' mi heead's commin off! Aw dooant expect +onny sympathy, but connot ta gie me summat to ease me a bit? If tha +doesn't awst goa ravin mad." "Onny body to lissen to thi ud fancy tha +wor that already. Which side is it on?" + +"It isn't th' aghtside tha may be sewer. O-o-o-o-h! its like drivin a +nail into mi heead." + +"Tha mun goa an get it pool'd." + +"Pool'd! what pool'd? They can do me noa gooid wi poolin unless they +pool mi heead off, an aw dooant think tha'd shed a tear if tha'd to see +me come walkin hooam wi it under mi arm!" + +"Why, aw dooant know what use it ud be to thi under thi arm, but it's +been varry little use to thi under thi hat. But aw'll see what aw can do +for thi if tha'll have a bit o' patience." + +"Patience! All reight, lass. Aw'll ha patience. Dooant hurry thysen +whativver tha does. Tha'd better goa an have a bit ov a tawk wi awr +Hepsabah, an tak Jerrymier for a walk befoor tha starts. It may be th' +deeath ov his gronfather, but that meeans nowt." + +"Ther's nubdy wants thee to dee, for tha'd be worth less then nor tha +art nah, if sich a thing could be. Nah, here sithee,--ther's a nice +little oonion aw've rooasted, an tha mun let mi put it i' thi earhoil." + +"Will that do onny gooid thinks ta?" + +"We can nobbut try. Tha knows a sheepheead an oonion is allus gooid." + +"Mally,--when tha wor poorly aw shed tears ovver thee." + +"Well, if tha did, ammot aw sheddin tears?" + +"Eeah, but its pillin that oonion at's made em come. Tha'll be sooary +for this someday. Ooooh!" + +"Nah, tha'll see that'll gie thi a bit o' ease. Keep this warm flannel +to th' side o' thi face wol aw mak thi a pooltice." + +"Doesn't ta think aw owt to have summat i'th inside as weel?" + +"Aw've heeard say at a dooas o' oppenin physic is a varry gooid thing, +an aw've some tincture o' rewbub at aw gate for Jerrymier." + +"Then let Jerrymier have it! aw'll have nooan sich like muck! Can't ta +think o' summat else?--summat warm an comfortin like." + +"Aw can mak thi a sup o' mint teah. That's a varry gooid thing aw +believe." + +"Tha knows mint teah nivver does for me. Ha does ta think a drop o' warm +whisky an watter, withaat sewger ud do? It isn't nice takkin, but when +its for physic aw can put up wi it." + +"If tha thinks it'll do thi onny gooid aw'll slip aght an get thi a +tooithful." + +"If it wor nobbut a tooith at wor botherin me, tha might gie me a +tooithful, but when its mi whooal heead, a pint 'll be little enuff." + +"Keep still just whear tha art, an aw'll fotch thi some, for unless aw +do aw dooant think tha'll let me have a bit o' sleep." + +Sammywell sat varry still an Mally wornt varry long befoor shoo wor +back, an as sooin as shoo could shoo made him a glass booath strong an +hot, an considerin at it wor baght sewger, he tuk it varry weel, tho' he +did pool a faal face after he'd getten it daan. + +"Nah, aw'll mak thi a gooid big bran pooltice at'll goa all ovver thi +heead, an then tha mun get to bed, an then aw'll tak a drop o' whisky to +awr Hepsabah's husband, for he's fair made up wi a cold." + +"Tha mun do nowt o'th sooart. Ther isn't a war thing for a cold nor +whisky; all th' doctor's 'll tell thi that. If he's getten a bad cold +mak him some mint tea. Ther's nowt better for gettin him onto a sweeat. +An aw think if aw wor thee aw wodn't bother abaat that bran pooltice wol +we see ha th' whisky goas on. Awm sewer aw feel a bit easier bi nah. Aw +think aw'll creep up to bed, an awd better tak th' bottle up wi me for +fear it should come on agean, an aw'll leeav thee to mak th' mint teah, +an be sewer tha doesn't stop long, for aw connot rest withaat thi." + +He went to bed an Mally made a jugful o' strong mint teah an tuk it to +Hepsabah's, an when shoo coom back an went up to bed, Sammywell wor +asleep. + +"He must ha had another tarrible pain," sed Mally, "for th' bottle's +empty, but he's saand asleep nah." + +When Mally wakkened i'th mornin, Sammywell wor still asleep, soa shoo +gate up as quietly as shoo could, an tuckt him in nice an comfortable, +an went daan-stairs to get a bit o' braikfast ready. + +"Aw know he likes a sup a teah,--an aw'll mak him a bit o' nice buttered +tooast an cook him a Yarmoth Blooater, an may-be he'll feel a bit better +after he's getten that into him, tho' sometimes aw think he hardly +desarves it, for he does try me sometimes wol aw think he's ommost spun +me to th' length. But what can aw do? He's nooan what yo call an ill en, +but he's soa aggravatin. But aw've nubdy to blame but misen, for aw've +spoilt him ivver sin aw had him an awst ha to tak th' consequences. If +ivver aw get wed ageean aw'll begin as aw meean to go on. But, A'a dear +o' me! whativver am aw tawkin abaat! An old gronmother like me thinkin +abaat gettin wed ageean! But ther are times when sich thowts will get +into a body's noddle, for aw once heeard a chap say, at a chap does live +sometimes till he's to old to be wed, but a woman nivver. But aw needn't +trouble misen wi thinkin abaat sich things for he's nooan deead yet nor +likely to be; an if he wor aw dooant know whear aw could ivver get +another to suit me as weel. If aw could nobbut taich him a bit o' sense, +an get him to behave as a chap ov his years owt to do it ud be +different, tho' aw do believe aw should feel lost withaat him." + +"His braikfast's all ready nah, an aw'll tak it to bed to him, an if +he's wakkened up in a daycent temper aw'll have a tawk to him." + +Sammywell had just wakkened when shoo went in wi it. "A'a! Mally, lass," +he sed when he saw his braikfast, "Aw dooan't know whativver aw mud do +but for thee!" + +"Is thi heead onny better?" + +"Aw nivver felt better i' mi life. It's a shame to put thee to all this +trubble, for aw could ha getten up to it." + +"It's noa trubble, Sammywell, an aw wodn't care owt abaat trubble if +tha'd nobbut try an behave thisen, an net spaik to me i'th way tha does. +Awm sewer sometimes, when tha gets into one o' thi tantrums aw feel as +if ther wor nowt left for me to live for. If tha'd nobbut try to reform +a bit,--if tha'd be as tha used to be forty or fifty year sin, aw should +be th' happyest woman within saand o'th taan hall chimes. Get that into +thi an tha'll happen feel better. Aw mun goa becoss its weshin day, an +aw've an extra wesh, for awr Hepsabah's sent all Jerrymier's clooas at +he's worn for this last fortnit, an he does mucky a seet o' brats an +stuff." + +"Jerrymier agean! What the duce has ta to do wi weshin Jerrymier's +clooas! Let her wesh em hersen. Aw've just studden this wol awm +stall'd!" + +"Thear tha goas agean! If onnybody says a word to thee tha flies off in +a passhion. Aw know what awr poor Hepsabah has to do an tha doesn't. +Tha'd nivver ha gooan on like that when we wor wed at furst." + +"Noa! but ther wor noa Jerrymier then!" + +"Ther'd ha been noa Jerrymier nah if it hadn't ha been for thee. Tha +cannot get ovver th' fact 'at tha'rt his gronfather. But aw mun be off +for standin tawkin to thee willn't get th' clooas weshed." + +"It's a drop o' rare gooid teah is this,--aw wonder if shoo's mixed it +hersen, if net shoo should allus buy at that shop. Aw dooant think +ther's a chap onnywhear 'at's a better wife nor aw've getten, an aw +can't help thinkin sometimes at aw dooant treeat her just as aw owt to +do. Aw think it's abaat time aw altered things. Shoo wants me to reform, +an do as aw used to do when we wor wed at furst. Well, aw can hardly +manage that, but aw remember th' time 'at aw used to mak a gooid bit a +fuss on her, an used to spaik moor lovinly like. Awm blessed if aw +dooant try it on agean! If a little thing like that'll suit her, shoo's +worthy on it an shoo shall have it. Aw've had a gooid braikfast, an aw +could ha supt a gallon o' that teah if awd had it.--It's th' weshin day, +an aw used to give her a help sometimes, an aw'll do it agean." + +When Sammywell gate daan staars th' place wor full o' steeam an th' +smell o' sooapsuds, but he didn't put on his hat an goa aght, but he +crept up cloise beside her an slippin his arm raand her waiste, he sed, +"Mally, lass, connot aw help thi a bit?" + +"What are ta up to nah! Aw know thy tricks ov old! Tha thinks tha can +put thi hand i' mi pocket an tak th' last shillin we have i'th haase! +But awm too old fashioned for thi. Ger aght o' this hoil or aw'll claat +thi ovver thi heead wi this blanket!" + +"Nay, lass, aw dooant like to see thee tewin like this an me dooin nowt, +let's help thi a bit." + +"It's little aw'll gie for sich help as thine! If tha comes here to +reckon to help me, tha'll want payin for it twice ovver." + +"Why, Mally love, if tha'll gie me a kuss aw'll turn th' wringin machine +for thi wol tha's done." + +"Sammywell,--aw want thee to luk me straight i'th face an tell me what +tha's had to sup this mornin an whear tha's getten it?" + +"Aw've had nowt but that drop o' teah tha browt up stairs." + +"Well, aw dooant want to say tha'rt a stooary teller, but aw can think +what aw like." + +"Nah, Mally love----" + +"Ger aght o' this hoil, gurt softheead! If tha comes near me wi onny o' +thi 'Mally loves,' aw'll throw this bucket o' watter ovver thi! Tha'rt a +fooil thisen an tha thinks awm one, but tha'll find thisen mistaen. +After been called 'Old Towel' an 'Blow Broth' an 'Old Nivversweeat,' to +say nowt abaat names at awd be ashamed to mention--it's rayther too lat +i'th day to try an come ovver me wi thi 'Mally loves.'" + +"But awm baan to reform, awm net gooin to call thi sich names onny moor, +an if tha'll nobbut let me help thi, Mally love----" + +"Aw'll gie thi 'Mally love!' Aw suppooas tha thinks aw havn't enuff to +do, soa tha mun come here to aggravate an hinder me all tha can!" + +"Tha shouldn't ha claated me across th' chops wi that weet +hippen,--that's noa way to help a chap's reformation." + +"Aw'll hit thi wi summat harder nor that if tha doesn't put on thi hat +an ger aght. It's noa use thee tawkin' to me abaat reformin', for it's +too lat on i'th day. If it wor possible to mak thi into a daycent chap +ther's nubdy'd know thi. Even little Jerrymier coom in tother day to ax +for thi becoss he wanted to goa for a walk, an when aw tell'd him tha +wor up stairs, he sed, 'Is mi grondad reight in his heead to-day?' Even +he knows thi!" + +"Aw've done wi Jerrymier for ivver an aw hooap tha'll nivver mention his +name agean in a haase o' mine." + +"This haase is mine as it happens, an awst nivver ax thee whose name +aw've to mention. A'a! awd be ashamed o' misen if aw wor like thee, +comin an makkin a bother like this th' furst thing in a mornin." + +"Aw didn't want to mak onny bother,--aw wanted to help thi, Mally love, +but----" + +"Ger aght o' this hoil or' aw'll mash th' peggy ovver thi heead! Tha +gurt maddlin! Tak this shillin an goa an see if tha can mak thisen a +bigger fooil nor tha art!" + +"Well, aw'll tak it, tho' aw had meant to help thi a bit, but it seems +tha'rt too thrang to help a chap wi his reformation. Gooid bye, Mally +love, an----" But he just managed so slip aght o'th door i' time to miss +th' foir shool at shoo flung at his heead. + +"Aw'll put off reformin an tryin to act like aw used to do; for aw get +noa encouragement. Its noa use tryin to suit a woman for it cannot be +done. Aw see nowt for it but to goa on i'th same old way, an after all, +old fowk can nivver be young agean. Well, ther's one comfort,--shoo's +gein me a shillin. Vartue is its own reward." + + + + +Sheffield Smook. + + +Mister Sydney Algernon Horne, wor a weel to do chap, as yo'll gather +thro' his name, for parents dooant give ther child sich fine names +unless thers a bit o' brass behind em. If owd Horne, Sydney's feyther, +had been a poor warkin man, he'd ha called th' lad Tom, or Bill, or +happen Mike; but as he wor a gentleman, wi Bank shares, an Cottage haase +property, he dubbed th' lad Sydney Algernon as aw've telled yo. Aw think +its nobbut reight at aw should tell yo at this rewl abaat names doesn't +allus hold gooid, for ther's a mucky, dirty nooased, draggle-tail'd lass +lives up awr yard, wi frowsy hair at couldn't be straightened wi nowt +short ov a cooambin machine; shoo hasn't a hawpney to bless hersen wi, +an yet shoo's called Victoria Hujaney, after th' Queen o' these lands, +an Ex-Empress o'th French. + +But aw must get on wi mi tale, or else yo'll happen be thinkin 'at awm +nivver baan to tell it. Mister Sydney Algernon Horne faand hissen an +orphan at three an twenty year owd, an th' owner o' all th' Bank Shares +an th' Cottages, besides th' haase he lived in, which wor a varry nice +one wi a big garden, an situated, as th' advertisements says, in the +mooast salubrious pairt o' Sheffield. + +He knew a deal o' fowk at Sheffield--fowk like him wi a heap o' brass; +an bein a single man, an furst-rate company, he wor welcomed i' all th' +big haases, a deeal moor heartily nor mooast o'th' readers o'th' Clock +Almanac wod ha been. Young men made him welcome, becoss he could tell a +gooid stooary an sing a song wi onny on em. Faythers an mothers o' +marriageable dowters wor fain to see him, i' hopes at he'd be smitten wi +th' charms o' Matilda Charlotte or Ethel Maude,--but th' lasses thersens +wor fainest to see him, becoss he wor nice lukkin, an could tawk soft to +em, an he used to squeeze ther hands when he wor sayin "gooid bye," soa +gently, at he used to mak em ivvery one think at he wor dyin ov love for +em. + +But Sydney wor too wide awake to be catched easy; he wor varry happy an +comfortable as a bachelor, an as he'd a gooid idea at i' mooast cases it +wor his brass an not him at they wanted, he steered clear o' all th' +traps at they set for him; an when th' Kursmis parties wor all ovver, he +wor still single--an they'd none on em getten noa forrader wi him when +winter coom agean, an put a stop to Lawn Tennis an Croquet Parties. + +But yo know it says i' th' gooid owd Book at it isn't "gooid for a man +to dwell alooan"--an aw suppoas it isn't, for someha or other, sooiner +or later mooast young chaps get dropt on, an Sydney wor noa excepshun to +th' rewl. Aw'll tell yo hah it wor. + +One snowy neet, at abaat six o'clock he wor gooin hooam to his dinner, +(for swells yo must know ha ther dinners at th' time at respectable +warkin fowk ha ther teahs)--He wor just passin a dark lane end, when he +heard a woman's voice singin aght "Help! Help!" + +He cut up th' rooad as fast as he could, an abaat twenty yards thro' th' +corner, he seed a regular offal lukkin feller strugglin wi a young lady +under a gas pooast.--As sooin as th' ruffian seed Sydney commin, he +bolted ovver a wall, in a way at showed at it worn't th' furst time at +he'd takken to his heels to save hissen a thrashin. + +Ov cooarse as sooin as th' danger wor ovver, an ther wor noa need o' owt +o't sooart, th' young lady swooned away--an it tuk Sydney all his time +to bring her raand, in fact it worn't until he'd kissed her two or three +times, at shoo begun o' commin to her senses. + +As sooin as shoo wor able to walk, he assisted her hooam, or at least to +th' haase wher shoo wor visitin. On th' way shoo tell'd him at they +call'd her Mabel Mothersdale, that shoo wor stayin a wick or two wi some +friends, an that shoo'd just slip aght to pop a letter into th' pillar +box, when th' tramp attack'd her. + +Sydney went next day to ax hah shoo wor.--Shoo wor varry fain to see +him--an th' friends shoo wor stayin wi made a big fuss ov him, an axd +him to stay dinner. He stayed ov cooarse. + +Th' next day he called wi a piece o' music 'at he'd been tellin em +abaat--th' day after he went wi some tickets for a grand concert ther +wor baan to be i' Sheffield--an what wi one excuse or another, he seed +her ivvery day--an ivvery neet when he doffed his clooas an gate into +bed, he felt moor i' love wi Mabel nor he had done th' neet befoor. + +At last th' day coom for her to goa back hooam to Brummagem, where her +father lived, an when Sydney called to say "gooid bye" to her, he tuk +th' opportunity when they wor left aloan for abaat five minutes, to ax +her to marry him. Mabel wor a sensible lass, ho knew a reight chap when +shoo seed one, soa shoo sed at shoo'd wed him wi pleasur if he'd get her +father's consent. + +"Mother's been deead these six years," shoo sed, "but befoor shoo deed +aw promised her faithful at aw'd nivver marry nubdy withaat mi father +wor agreeable." + +Sydney kussed her an sed he wor quite content an he'd goa daan to +Brummagem next Tuesday, an ax her father on th' Wednesday mornin, an as +he wor weel to do i' money matters, noa daat ther'd be noa difficulty i' +gettin th' owd feller to have him for a son i' law. + +Soa Mabel went hooam wi a happy heart, an caanted th' haars wol next +Wednesday, when shoo'd see her dear Sydney Algernon ageean. + +Nah as aw tell'd yo befooar, Sydney wor a reight nice young feller--he +wor as steady as a clock, an nubdy couldn't say nowt ageean him, nobbut +for one thing, an that wor he'd getten an idea into his heead, at he +couldn't possibly live baat bacca--mornin, nooin an neet, he wor hardly +ivver withaat awther a pipe or a cigar in his maath, an tho' fowk tell'd +him at he smooked a deeal too mich, it wor noa gooid. + +"Aw couldn't live baat a bit o' bacca," he used to say, "an when th' day +cooms 'at aw may'nt smook, aw shall'nt care ha sooin they shut me up in +a box, an cart me off to th' burryin graand." + +Soa yo can easy imagine 'at wi sich sentiments as these, he didn't +leeave off smookin as ha fowk tawked. At last Tuesdy coom, an as th' +best train for Brummagem left at five o'clock in th' afternooin, Sydney +decided he'd goa by that; an as its a longish gait, ov cooarse he tuk +jolly gooid care to have plenty o' smookin materials wi him. + +When he gate to th' stashun, he faand aght to his disgust, 'at th' only +reekin hoil on all th' train wor full, soa he gate into another carriage +an decided to mak that into one, for he'd getten some slips o' paper in +his pocket wi "_Smookin_" on, soa as he could stick one on if it wor +required, haivver has nubdy else got in wi him, he didn't bother abaat +puttin th' slip up. At last th' train started an glided aght o' th' +leeted stashun into th' darkness aghtside, for it wor winter time, an a +thick muggy afternooin, soa he lit his pipe an started readin a "Clock +Almanac" at he'd bowt--an what wi readin th' stories, an thinkin abaat +ha sooin he'd see Mabel, an fillin his pipe, he didn't nooatice where +he'd getten too; when all ov a sudden th' train started gooin slower an +slower, an finally stopt at a bit ov a road-side stashun, abaat as big +as one o' them hot pay hoils whear lads caar ov a neet to spend ther +coppers in. + +As it wor a express he knew it didn't owt to stop there, an just as he +wor wonderin what ther wor to do, th' door wor oppened an a little owd +gentleman wi spectacles on, wor tumbled into th' same compartment whear +he wor, an a leather bag wor shoved in after him--a porter touched his +hat an shaated aght "All reet!" th' door wor slammed too, th' whistle +blew, an th' train started off agean. + +"Phew! Yor smookin, sir!" sed th' owd chap as sooin as he'd getten his +breeath an lukt raand. + +"Eah!" sed Sydney, showin a cigar at he'd leeted not a minnit befooar. + +"Aw insist on yor puttin it aght instantly," sed th' owd feller. + +Sydney wornt used to bein ordered abaat like this, soa he sed: + +"Oh, yo insist on it, do yo, owd buffer, but suppooas aw dooant put it +aght, what then?" + +"But you shall put it aght, an at once too," he went on, gettin varry +red i' th' face, "do yo think at aw shall submit to be poisoned wi yor +vile, disgustin tobacca smook? sich men as yo should ride in a cattle +truck or a dog box--tho' if yo wor in there yo'd be taichin th' cawves +an puppies bad habbits--Owd buffer, indeed! I'll have yo fined, sir." + +"Nah dooan't yo get raggy," sed Sydney, poolin aght his cigar case, an +leetin another; "if aw have to be fined aw mud as weel have summat for +my brass," an he moved an sat on a seat in front o'th owd chap, an +puffed aght o' both cigars as fast as he could, wol he made sich a reek +i'th hoil at th' lamp up aboon lukk'd like a full mooin on a misty neet. + +"Awm a director on this line," th' owd beggar gasped, "an aw insist on +yor desistin the smookin at once, sir." + +"A director are yo? awm fain to see yo, aw've often wanted to ax one o' +ye gentry ha it is at th' trains is soa unpunctual on this line?" + +Th' owd chap jumped up an run to th' winder, an let it daan, an started +tryin to find th' cord to stop th' train, but bi gooid luck he'd getten +to th' wrang side o'th carriage, an while he wor botherin to find th' +rope, Sydney opened th' t'other winder an stuck one o'th' slips wi +"Smookin" on it, on th' aghtside oth' pane, an then he sed: + +"Aw insist on yo closin that winder, sir, th' draught annoys me, as +aw've getten a bad cowd." + +Haivver th' owd chap wodn't shut it, he kept his heead aght an cought, +an it worn't till he catched seet o' Sydney sharpenin a gurt jack-knife +on his booit, at he wor flayed into cloisin it. Nah it soa happened at +only that varry afternooin, th' owd feller had been readin ith' paper, +abaat a man havin escaped throo a mad haase somwhear or other, an it +struck him at Sydney must be th' varry chap, soa he wor in sich a funk +'at he didn't know whativver to do, but he thowt th' best thing wod be +to keep as still as he could, an not vex Sydney, soa he sat daan as +quiet as owt an sed nowt. + +"Are yo fond o' mewsic?" Sydney axt. + +"Varry," sed th' owd chap. + +Soa Sydney started wavin his jack knife abaat, an bellowin a song aght +o' tune, abaat Buffalo Bill, an huntin buffalos in th' wilds o' +Kensington, an he stuck a verse in abaat scalpin Railway directors. In +th' meeantime th' train wor gooin along at a gooid rattle, for they wor +lat, an th' driver wor makkin up time, soa th' carriage started o' +swingin a bit. Th' owd feller thowt he mud say summat to try an mak +Sydney forget abaat scalpin directors, soa he sed: + +"Dooant yo think this trains gooin quickly, sir?" + +"Aw wish it wod goa twenty times faster, aw wish it wod goa a thaasand +times faster," sed Sydney, wavin his arms abaat, "aw wish it wod goa +bang into another train an smash this carriage all inter smithereens." + +"Why, if it did yo'd be killed!" + +"Awd dee gladly ony day," Sydney answered, "if aw could only know at a +Director wor killed too." + +An soa they went on, Sydney dooin all kind o' mad things, he even +insisted on th' Director smookin three whiffs ov a cigar; but at last, +like ivverything i' this world, th' journey coom to an end, an they +glided into th' station at Brummagem. + +As sooin as ivver th' train stopt, th' Director jumpt aght, an called +for a porter, "Get that gentleman's name," he sed, "he's been smookin in +this carriage." + +Sydney wor sittin quite calmly, wi' hawf a cigar in his maath, an th' +porter sed,-- + +"Have yo been smookin, sir?" + +"Ov coorse aw have, cannot yo see mi cigar, this is a smookin carriage, +luk thear"--an he pointed to th' label on th' winder. + +Th' porter couldn't do anything when he seed that, but th' Director sent +for th' stashun maister, an made an awful shindy; he sed 'at Sydney wor +mad, an ha he'd threatened him wi' a knife, an aw dooant know what +beside--but Sydney wor soa polite, an whispered to th' Stashun maister, +"at he thowt th' owd feller had had too mich to sup, for he'd been +smookin hissen as they could easy find aght if they smell'd his +breeath." + +Soa th' Stashun maister sed he couldn't do owt, as it wor a smookin +carriage, soa Sydney wor allowed to goa to th' Hotel, leeavin 'em to +feight it aght as they liked. + +Th' last thing he thowt ov that neet befooar he fell asleep wor, ha +Mabel wod laugh next day when he telled her abaat it. + +Next mornin when he'd had his braikfast, he donned hissen up smart as a +chap owt to do when he's gooin a cooartin, an set off in a cab to +Mabel's father's haase. + +Th' lass wor lukkin aght for him, an after a bit o' kussin an huggin (as +is suitable at sich times) Sydney sed he mud as weel see her father an +get it ovver. + +"He's in th' library," sed Mabel. + +"Nah for it," Sydney sed, as they stood aghtside th' door, "gie me +another kuss, lass, to keep me up to th' mark, an eh! aw've sich a joke +to tell thi abaat afterwards." + +Mabel kussed him ageean, an then shoo oppen'd th' door an walked in, wi +Sydney followin behund feelin varry uncumfortable, for its noa joke aw +can tell yo axin an owd gentleman to gie yo his dowter. + +Mister Mothersdale wor sittin at a table, writin a letter, when they +went in an he didn't luk up till Mabel sed:--"Papa, dear, this is Mister +Horne, th' gentleman I told yo abaat, who protected me from that ruffian +i' Sheffield, who tried to rob me." + +He lukked up, and Sydney felt like to sink into his booits, for if it +worn't th' varry owd chap at he'd travelled in th' train wi' th' neet +befooar. + +Nah tho' Sydney knew th' owd chap in a crack, by gooid luck Mabel's +father hadn't his glasses on, soa he didn't mak him aght at furst. + +"Awm varry fain to mak yor acquaintance, sir," he sed, "my dowter has +towd me ha kind yo wor i' Sheffield, an aw wish to thank yo for it." + +Sydney wor soa flayed ov th' owd feller rememberin his voice, 'at he +shoved a hawpny into his maath befooar he spake, an then he sed:--"Aw +didn't do much awm sewer, Sir. It wor nowt at all." + +"Have aw ivver met yo befooar," Mister Mothersdale axt, "aw seem to know +yor voice?" + +"Net as aw know on," Sydney answered, feelin at he wor in for a +thunderin lot o' lyin. + +"Mister Horne's niver been i' Brummagem befooar," Mabel sed. + +"It's varry strange," th' owd man went on, as he put his specs on, "aw +seem to know yor voice soa weel, an dear-a-me yor face reminds me ov +sumdy but aw cannot tell who." + +Nah Sydney wor dressed quite different thro what he had th' neet +befooar, an while Mabel's father wor puzzlin his heead abaat it, Mabel +sed "Aw showed yo a photograph o' Mister Horne, papa, praps that's it?" + +"That must be it," Sydney sed, jumpin at th' idea soa sharp, at in spite +o'th hawpny he had in his maath, he spoke quite nateral like; an though +th' owd feller couldn't believe 'at this nice gradely lukkin young man, +could be th' same as th' madman he'd travelled wi' th' neet befooar, th' +idea coom into his heead, an th' moor he lukked, th' moor certain he +grew. + +"Can yo sing," he axed. + +"Awm a varry poor singer," Sydney sed. + +"Soa wor th' chap last neet," thowt owd Mothersdale, but Mabel put in, +"Oh! Papa he sings as beautifully as Sims Reeves." + +"Then it couldn't ha been him," thowt her father, an then he axt: + +"Do yo know a comic song at awm varry fond ov, abaat Buffalo Bill +scalpin Railway Directors in th' Wilds o' Kensington?" + +Mabel laft, an Sydney tried to laff too, as he sed:-- + +"Aw nivver heeard ov it befooar, but if yor fond ov it, aw'll try an get +it an sing it for yo." + +Th' owd man wor baan to ax some mooar questions when Sydney thinkin it +wor time to change th' subject, sed:--"Aw've come, Mr. Mothersdale, to +ax if yo've onny objections to"--he'd quite forgetten abaat his voice +ageean, an when he gate that far, Mabel's father begun o' beein quite +sewer i' wor th' madman, an he stuck in wi:--"Do yo happen, Mr. Horne, +to have a big knife abaat yo, for aw want one for abaat hawf a minnit?" + +Sydney wor just baan to bring aght his Jack knife, but he remembered +just i' time, soa he sed, "Noa, awm sorry aw haven't, but Mister +Mothersdale wod yo have onny objections to Mabel an me keepin company? +Awm weel off, aw've a gooid hooam to tak her to, an awm sewer aw can mak +her happy." + +Nah ivvery word at Sydney sed made owd Mothersdale mooar sewer at he wor +th' chap at he'd coom daan i'th train wi th' neet afooar. He wor awfully +riled abaat it yo may be sewer, for if ther wor one thing on earth at he +couldn't abide it wor th' stink o' bacca, an he'd been varry near +smooared i' that railway carriage. But wol he wor as mad as a hatter +abaat it, he remembered at he'd heeard Mabel say 'at this Mister Horne +had heaps o' brass, soa he thowt he'd say no mooar abaat th' neet +afooar, but let him wed th' lass, an tak a revenge aght ov him some +other way. + +Soa he started jawin away, as these better class fathers does, abaat ha +he couldn't bide to part wi his dear Mabel, an soa on; but when Sydney +tell'd him abaat his Bank shares, an th' cottage haase property, he +sooin gave in. + +"Well," he sed wi a sniff, as if he'd getten a bad cowd in his heead, +"if yo booath on yo love each other soa mich, aw willn't stand in th' +road o' yor happiness, but ther's one little request aw must ask yo to +grant me, Mr. Horne, in return for my dowter?" + +Sydney wor soa sewted at th' way things wor gooin, at he blurted aght, +"awst be glad to promise owt yo like to ask, sir." + +"Awm a member o' th' Anti-tobacca Society," sed th' owd beggar chucklin +to hissen, "an aw hooap yo dooant indulge i' smookin or snufftakkin?" + +"Aw do smook a little, sir, but varry little." + +"Then, ov cooarse as its soa little, yo willn't object to give it up in +order to win Mabel's hand?" + +Poor Sydney, he'd nobbut had three cigars that mornin, an he wor fair +deein to get aght an have a smook, but ther didn't seem noa escape, soa +wi a sigh, he sed:--"Varry weel, sir, aw'll give it up." + +Owd Mothersdale grinned, an thowt ha nicely he wor payin him off for th' +neet befoor, then he shoved a sheet o' paper across th' table, an Sydney +wrote on it that he promised nivver to smook no mooar wol th' owd chap +consented. + +"Aw shall nivver consent," sed Mr. Mothersdale, "haivver it doesn't +matter. Nah, Mabel, gie me a kiss, an then yo an Mister Horne can run +away an talk things ovver." + +Mabel kissed him, an went away wi Sydney, but when shoo axed him +afterwards what th' joke wor he'd promised to tell her, he pretended +he'd forgetten. + +They wor wed at Midsummer, an Sydney kept his word abaat smookin--he +started chewin, an suckin owd empty pipes, but it worn't like smookin, +an whenivver he smelt th' reek ov a cigar it fair set him longin, but +like a man owt to do, he didn't braik his promise. + + ---------------- + +Abaat a year after, when they wor baan to cursen th' babby, Mabel's +father wor ax'd to th' ceremony. Mabel wor vexed at Sydney couldn't +smook, becoss shoo knew ha fond he wor on it, soa th' afternooin her +father wor expected, shoo sed, "we'll cure papa ov his dislike to bacca +smook, or else we'll get him to let yo smook ageean." + +"Hah'll yo do it, lass?" + +"Wait an see," shoo sed, "yo shall smook a pipe to-neet." + +He wondered ha it wor to be done, an at fower o'clock shoo sent him off +to th' stashun to meet her father. + +When they gate back th' whole haase wor full o' bacca smook, in bedrooms +an passages, on th' steps, in th' sittin rooms, ther wor thick white +claads ov it. + +"Oh, dear-a-me," sed Mr. Mothersdale, "whativvers this? Sydney yo've +brokken yor promise, an been smookin?" + +"Aw haven't," Sidney sed, "nivver a whif hav aw smook'd sin th' day aw +promised." + +"Noa," Mabel sed, "we've faand a better way nor that, we're booath fond +o'th reek o' bacca, soa we get a fumigatin thing aght o'th greenhaase, +and burn bacca in it, it sents all th' haase i' noa time, an saves +Sydney all th' trubble o' puffin away at pipes an cigars." + +He felt he wor done--he couldn't live i' sich a smook as that, soa he +tell'd Sydney at if he'd keep his smookin aght o'th raich o' his nooas, +he could start when he liked, providin they wodn't use th' fumigator noa +mooar. + +Sidney slipt aght into th' back garden, an smook'd what he thowt wor th' +best cigar he'd ivver had in his life; an as it says in stooary books +"they all lived varry happy ivver afterwards." + + + + +Awr Lad. + + +Beautiful babby! Beautiful lad! + Pride o' thi mother and joy o' thi dad! +Full ov sly tricks an sweet winnin ways;-- + Two cherry lips whear a smile ivver plays; +Two little een ov heavenly blue,-- + Wonderinly starin at ivverything new, +Two little cheeks like leaves of a rooas,-- + An planted between em a wee little nooas, +A chin wi a dimple 'at tempts one to kiss;-- + Nivver wor bonnier babby nor this. +Two little hands 'at are seldom at rest,-- + Except when asleep in thy snug little nest. +Two little feet 'at are kickin all day, + Up an daan, in an aght, like two kittens at play. +Welcome as dewdrops 'at freshen the flaars, + Soa has thy commin cheered this life ov awrs. +What tha may come to noa mortal can tell;-- + We hooap an we pray 'at all may be well. +We've other young taistrels, one, two an three, + But net one ith' bunch is moor welcome nor thee. +Sometimes we are tempted to grummel an freeat, + Becoss we goa short ov what other fowk get. +Poverty sometimes we have as a guest, + But tha needn't fear, tha shall share ov the best. +What are fowks' riches to mother an me? + All they have wodn't buy sich a babby as thee. +Aw wor warned i' mi young days 'at weddin browt woe, + 'At labor an worry wod keep a chap low,-- +'At love aght o' th' winder wod varry sooin flee, + When poverty coom in at th' door,--but aw see +Old fowk an old sayins sometimes miss ther mark, + For love shines aght breetest when all raand is dark. +Ther's monny a nobleman, wed an hawf wild, + 'At wod give hawf his fortun to have sich a child. +Then why should we envy his wealth an his lands, + Tho' sarvents attend to obey his commands? +For we have the treasures noa riches can buy, + An aw think we can keep em,--at leeast we can try; +An if it should pleeas Him who orders all things, + To call yo away to rest under His wings,-- +Tho to part wod be hard, yet this comfort is giv'n, + We shall know 'at awr treasures are safe up i' Heaven +Whear no moth an noa rust can corrupt or destroy, + Nor thieves can braik in, nor troubles annoy. +Blessins on thi! wee thing,--an whativver thi lot, + Tha'rt promised a mansion, tho born in a cot, +What fate is befoor thi noa mortal can see, + But Christ coom to call just sich childer as thee. +An this thowt oft cheers me, tho' fortun may fraan, + Tha may yet be a jewel to shine in His craan. + + + + +Grimes' Galloway. + + +"It's noa use, Sammywell,--aw dooant knaw ha tha feels, but aw can +assure thee 'at aw dooant feel so young as aw used to do. When aw wor +twenty years younger tha allus set off bi thisen an left me to mooild +amang it th' best way aw could; but nah, when tha knows 'at aw can +hardly put one fooit afoor tother tha wants me to goa for a walk. Its +weel enuff for thee to climb ovver hills an daan dales, becoss thi limbs +are limber--thanks to me for takkin care on thi as aw have done. It's +miserable for me to caar ith' haase all bi misen, an thee wanderin abaat +as tha does, an hardly ivver turns up except at meal times, an net allus +then. If tha'd ha takken moor nooatice ov what aw've sed to thi i' years +gooan by, we could ha been ridin in a carriage ov us own nah. It is'nt +at aw've onny desire to show off, but aw think when fowk get to my age, +an have tew'd as aw've done, they're entitled to some ease an comfort. +But aw suppooas aw'st nivver know what rest is until awm under th' sod." + +"Aw think tha must ha been aitin summat 'at's disagreed wi thi, owd +lass, for tha's done nowt but grummel this last two-o'-three days. Tha +caars i'th' haase too mich. Tha sees tha connot ride a bicycle, an tha'd +hardly like to be seen ridin in a wheelbarro, or else awd trundle thee +abaat for an hour or two ivvery day, an awr Hepsabah's peramberlater +wod'nt hold thi, if it wod it ud find Jerrymier summat to do an keep him +aght o' mischief. Then ther's plenty o' tram-cars, but tha allus says +tha feels smoor'd when tha rides i' one o' them, soa awm fast what to do +amang it." + +"Dooant bother thisen.--Aw'st get a ride one o' theas days as far as th' +cemetary, an aw shall'nt hav long to wait unless things alter pretty +sooin." + +"Well, what wod ta advise me to do?" + +"It's too lat on ith' day for thee to come to me for advice. Do thi own +way, but when tha's lost me tha'll miss me,--mark that. Tha'll nivver +find another to do for thi as aw've done." + +"Aw hooap net,--but aw hav'nt lost thi yet, an aw dooant want to. But +aw've just getten a nooation! Awm capt aw nivver thowt on it befoor! +Aw'll goa see abaat it this varry minnit! Tha shall be reight set up +this time. Just have a bit o' patience, an aw'll be back in an haar's +time." + +"Thear tha gooas agean! If aw say a word to thee tha flies off after +some wild goois eearand an manages to mak thisen into a bigger fooil nor +tha art. Tell me what tha meeans to do?" + +"Aw'll tell thi all abaat it when aw come back, an aw weant belong." + +"Well dooant goa an get owt to sup. If tha'rt detarmined to have it, buy +some an bring it hooam wi thi, for aw believe tha spaiks trewth when tha +sed aw'd getten summat at disagreed wi me, for mi stummack's been varry +kittle for a day or two." + +"All reight, lass! Keep thi pecker up, an aw'll bring thi raand all +reight." An Sammywell set off. + + ------------ + +"Aw wish aw'd nivver spokken," sed Mally, as shoo watched him pass th' +winder. "He's getten that bankbook in his pocket, an he'll as sewer goa +an squander some moor brass as he's livin. He isn't fit to be trusted. +He meeans weel enuff, but he's soa simple. Net but what ther's war nor +him if yo knew whear to find 'em, an aw believe he tries to do his best, +but that isn't mich to crack on. Hasumivver, aw mun put up wi it, soa +aw'll get thi drinkin ready, for he sed he wod'nt be long." + +It didn't tak her long befoor shoo'd made as temptin an comfortable a +meal as onny reasonable chap could desire, an then shoo set daan to wait +wi as mich patience as shoo could. Darkness wor creepin on an shoo'd +ommost getten stall'd o' watchin th' clock, when ther wor a queer +grindin sooart ov a noise aghtside, an in another minnit Sammywell come +in. + +"Nah, lass! Tha sees aw hav'nt been varry long an aw've browt thi +summat. Bring a leet an have a luk at it." + +"Whativver is it?" shoo sed, as shoo coom to th' door wi a cannel in her +hand. "Whativver has ta getten?" shoo sed, as shoo walked raand it. + +"Aw've bowt this galloway an little carriage soas aw can drive thi aght +whenivver th' weather's fine." + +"Whativver wrangheeaded trick will ta be guilty on next!" + +"Why, tha wor grummelin abaat net bein able to get aght o' door, an aw +bethowt me at old Swindle had this for sale, soa aw've bowt it." + +"An nicely he's swindled thee aw've noa daat. But are ta sewer it is a +galloway? Becoss aw wodn't believe what he says if he went onto his +bended knees." + +"Well, what does ta think it is? Tha can see at it's nawther a elefant +nor a camel." + +"Well, lad,--it may be all reight, but aw should want somdy else to say +soa. It luks varry poorly aw think, luk ha white it is ith' face." + +"That's th' color on it. It ails nowt an tha'll say soa when aw drive +thi aght ith' mornin." + +"Thee drive me aght, does ta say? Nay, lad, aw've moor respect for misen +nor that! What does ta think awr Hepsabah an th' naybors wod say. But +it'll do for Jerrymier. But whear are ta baan to put it?" + +"Aw've getten a place to keep it, an if awther Jerrymier or his mother +dar to mell on it, they'll know abaat it." + +"Tha need'nt freeat,--ther'll nubdy be ovver anxious to mell ov a thing +like that. If tha'd bowt a donkey an cart an started hawkin cockles and +muscles or else leadin coils ther mud ha been some sense in it. But tak +it away an come in an get thi drinkin an dooant stand thear lukkin as +gawmless as that article. Off tha gooas an tak it wi thi, an if it lives +wol mornin tha can show it to Jerrymier an ax him whether it is a +galloway or net. It luks as if it had coom aght o' Noah's Ark, tho if +awed been Noah aw should ha let that thing have a swim for it." + +"Tha'rt th' mooast provokin, dissatisfied, ungrateful woman aw ivver +met! Awm in a gooid mind to drive away an nivver coom back!" + +"If tha depends on that whiteweshed umberella-stand tha wodn't be far to +seek. But tha'd better hand me that bankbook, for fear tha should leet +o' onny moor curosities, an we're nooan gooin to goa into th' show +trade. Nah away wi thi." + +Grimes drove off an Mally went into th' haase. + +"What a silly owd maddlin he is. Just to think at he should goa an wear +all that brass o' me. Awr Hepsabah 'll be fair ranty. But then it's his +own brass an he's a reight to spend it as he thinks fit, an aw know ther +isn't another body ith' world but me at he'd ha bowt it for. Aw think aw +nivver saw a bonnier little thing, but it'll be time enuff to tell him +soa when he's cooild daan a bit. Aw have to keep him daan a bit or else +he'd sooin be too big for his booits. That's his fooit. When he's had a +cup o' this teah, an had theas muffins (aw bowt em a purpose for him) +he'll leet his pipe an sattle daan, an aw can sooin bring him raand if +he's as mad as a wasp. Aw'st nivver be able to sleep to-neet for thinkin +abaat yon'd pony an th' drive aght ith' mornin." + +When Grimes coom in he wor lukkin varry glumpy. + +"Come thi ways, an get theas muffins wol they're hot,--they're fresh off +th' beckstun an that butter's come reight off th' farm an its as sweet +as a nut." + +Sammywell sed nowt, but as th' teah began to warm him an th' muffins wor +just to his likin his face seemed to clear a bit, an when shoo handed +him his second cup, he wink'd at her, (he couldn't help it.) "This is a +drop o' gooid teah, lass, an aw think aw nivver had grander muffins." + +"Aw've tried to suit thi. Has ta fed that galloway an left it +comfortable for th' neet?" + +"As comfortable as it desarves! But aw did'nt know 'at a whiteweshed +umberella-stand wanted makkin comfortable." + +"Aw know its all reight for tha hasn't a heart i' thi belly to hurt a +flee. What time does ta intend to start off i'th mornin." + +"Mak thi own time. But aw thowt tha didn't care to goa." + +"It's what aw've been langin for for years, an tha knows, Sammywell, if +aw do say a word nah an agean at doesn't just suit thi, its becoss tha +aggravates me. If tha'd treeat me as a wife owt to be treated, aw should +nivver utter a wrang word." + +"Well, tha artn't th' only one i' this haase at gets aggravated +sometimes, but we'll say noa moor abaat it. Try an bi ready bi ten +o'clock i'th mornin, an we'll start aght if its fine." + +"But tha doesn't feel cross abaat it, does ta lad." + +"Cross, behanged! If aw tuk onny nooatice o' what tha says, aw should +allus be cross. Let's get to bed." + + ------------ + +Next mornin Mally wor soa flustered wol when Grimes coom in to his +braikfast after lukkin to th' galloway, her hands tremmeld soa at shoo +could hardly teem aght his teah. + +But shoo managed to get donned at last, an Sammywell browt th' galloway +an th' little trap to th' door, an he felt a bit narvous too, for it wor +th' furst time he'd ivver driven aght wi his wife, but he wor praad to +do it, an his pride kept him up. + +They wor i' hooaps o' gettin off withaat Hepsabah an th' naybors gettin +to know, but it wor noa use. Sombd'y seen th' galloway, an when +Sammywell helpt Mally into her seat, they wor all aght. + +Hepsabah stood thear, wi a babby o' awther arm, an Jerrymier at her +side, an as they rode past, shoo put on as humble a luk as shoo knew ha, +an dropt a curtsey, an sed "Gooid mornin, Mr. and Mrs. Grimes, Esquire." +Then shoo brast aght laffin an all th' naybor wimmen waved ther approns +or towels or owt else they could snatch howd on, an cheered em wol they +gate aght o'th bottom o'th fold. + +They tuk th' shortest cut to get aght o'th busy streets, an they worn't +long befoor they coom to whear ther wor green fields on booath sides +o'th rooad. It wor a grand day, an they sed little for a while, for they +wor booath feelin varry happy, an they lukt it. + +Old as they wor, an i' spite ov all th' ups an daans they'd had, they +felt like sweethearts agean, an if they couldn't luk forrad to th' long +enjoyment ov monny pleasures, they could luk back wi few regrets, an +hearts full ov thankfulness for all th' blessins they'd had an +possessed. + +"Aw nivver thowt, Sammywell," sed Mally, after a bit, "at aw should +ivver live to ride i' mi own carriage an pair." + +"Why, lass, awm pleased if tha'rt suited. But tha can hardly call it a +carriage an pair." + +"Aw dooant see why net. Its a varry nice little carriage is this an awm +sewer th' galloway an thee mak a gooid pair, for aw should tak yo to be +booath abaat th' same age, an th' same complection to nowt, except for +thi nooas; an yo nawther on yi ivver hurried yorsen mich or seem likely +to do; but aw think if aw wor thee awd get aght an shove behind a bit, +its a pity to see it tewin up this hill, an its puffin like all that." + +"Well, let it puff! If ther's onny shovin to be done tha'll ha to tak +thi share on it. We'll stop at yond haase at top o'th hill an then wol +we get a bite an a sup, Fanny can rest a bit." + +"Who's Fanny?" + +"That's th' galloway's name." + +"Then it'll have to be kursend ovver agean." + +"Ha's that?" + +"Dooant thee think 'at aw forget. It wor Fanny Hebblethwaite at wor +allus hankerin after thee until we wor wed, an for some time after. +Aw've had enuff o' Fannys. We'll call it Jerrymier." + +"But its a mare tha sees." + +"Well then, we'll call it Jimmima." + +"Let's mak it Jenny an ha done wi it." + +"Owt'll do but Fanny. Shoo wor a impotent hussy. Aw wonder what becoom +on her?" + +"Aa! shoo's been deead aboon a duzzen year?" + +"Oh, well then--tha can call it Fanny." + +They did enjoy thersen that day an noa mistak, an monny a day after, an +they're lukkin forrad to monny a pleasant little time. + +Th' naybors have getten used to seein em nah an have noa desire to poak +fun at em. + +Jerrymier has takken a big fancy to th' galloway, an oft gooas an +gethers it a basket full ov sweet clover, an when Grimes an Mally arn't +using it, Hepsabah an her babbies have a drive throo th' park, Jerrymier +acting as th' cooachman. + +Th' galloway knows its getten a gooid hooam. It wants for nowt,--Mally +taks gooid care o' that. It's one to be trusted an it knows its way +abaat. Some day yo may see an old galloway, pullin a little carriage +containin an old man an woman;--all three on em saand asleep, an yo can +rest assured at that's Grime's an Mally an ther Galloway. + + + + +True Blue; A Romance of Factory Life. + + +Susy was only twenty-two, and she had been a widow for over twelve +months. She had married when only nineteen, a honest hard working man +who was more than twice her age. There had been no love in the match, so +far as she was concerned;--she was an orphan,--poor,--lonely, and +pretty. + +She was only a weaver, and not very expert, yet she managed to make +sufficient to pay her board and to keep herself well dressed, for the +position she occupied, and her beauty,--for she was very beautiful, and +her natural taste enabled her to present an appearance so much superior +to those with whom she was in daily contact, that many envied her, and +some looked askance at her, and shook their heads, and predicted evil to +come. + +Some one had dubbed her 'the Factory Belle,' but she never resented what +many would have considered insults or slights, but kept on in her own +innocent, yet attractive and attentive way, and commanded a certain +amount of respect even from those who were secretly her enemies. + +No one would for a single moment suspect that she was a widow, for not +only was she so young, but looked even younger. That her husband had +worshipped her was not difficult of belief, and that she had been to him +a kind, fond wife was indisputable;--her gratitude for his kindness and +his self-sacrifices to secure her happiness had been such, that if she +did not love him with the blind infatuation of youth's fond dream, she +respected him, and he was first in her then unawakened affections. + +When he was suddenly stricken down with a fell disease which was at that +time ravaging many of the towns in the West Riding, she nursed him +faithfully, and when he died,--holding her little white hand in his +brown, brawny fist, she shed the bitterest tears that had ever dimmed +her beautiful blue grey eyes. + +After the last sad rites were over, she had disposed of the household +furniture, which was all he had been able to leave her, and paid every +claim that was presented, finding herself once more alone, and dependent +on her own exertions for a living. + +She had plenty of sympathizing friends, and more than one would +willingly have provided for her in the hope that at some future time +they might win her for themselves, but she was of a very independent +spirit and preferred to depend on her own efforts to provide for her +wants. + +She had no difficulty in obtaining employment at the weaving shed where +she had worked before her marriage; and right welcome did her fellow +workers make her, and the look of sadness which for a time clouded her +face, though it did not detract her from her beauty,--by degrees cleared +off,--her eyes sparkled as before,--the bloom came back to her velvet +cheeks and her lips curled again into the bewitching smile that suited +them so well, and with her added years, were developed charms that she +had not possessed before. + +Her swelling bust accentuated her tapering waist, and her beautifully +rounded arms, her well shaped, small hands,--her graceful carriage, all +combined to produce a perfect specimen of Yorkshire female lovliness. + +Where hundreds were employed, it was not to be expected she would lack +admirers. She had many,--many more than she even imagined. + +Though almost faultless in face and figure, yet she was not without some +faults. + +She knew she was beautiful, and she was vain. Much of her apparent +artlessness was assumed. She was pleased to be admired, and felt +gratified to see the effect of her glance, as she favoured one with a +languishing look, and another with a haughty stare, or a wicked, +sparkling, mischief loving gleam,--transient on her part but fatally +permanent on susceptible hearts. + +In her own heart she had never felt love,--she had never sounded the +depths of her own nature;--she was as yet a stranger to herself. + +Amongst others, who were ever ready at her beck and call were two young +men,--both about her own age.--They are both dead now or this story +would not have been written. We will simply speak of them as Dick and +Jack. One was the overlooker under whom she worked, this was Dick, a +prime favourite with the masters, and a clever, honest chap he was. + +Jack was known as "Th' oiler," his duty being to attend to the long +lines of shafting and revolving pullies. Much of his work, especially +the more dangerous part of it, had to be performed whilst the engine was +stopped. + +Never were known two truer friends than Dick and Jack. After working +hours they were seldom separated. They worked together in the little +allotment garden which they jointly rented. Even the pig was a +partnership concern. Although they were friendly with all they came in +contact with, they never made any other special friendships. They were +satisfied to be with each other and so confidential were they, that they +each lived in the other's life. + +Nicknames were common at that day, and Dick was generally spoken of as +"True Blue," because of his unswerving integrity. Jack had to be content +with the less euphonious title "Th' oiler." + +They were neither of them blind to Susy's charms, and admiration blended +with pity, and pity, where a beautiful woman is concerned, is likely to +lead to something else. They often spoke of her to each other, but it +was the only subject on which they ever conversed, that they were not +entirely open and honest about. Dick's position gave him many +opportunities to be near Susy, and it was remarked that her loom seemed +to require more attention than any other under his surveillance. + +Susy, with that quick instinct which all women seem to be possessed, saw +that he was at her mercy. But she loved her liberty. She had tasted such +bliss as married life could offer,--so she thought, and she preferred to +feel free to smile on whom she pleased. She was virtuous, and kind, +after a fashion, but she was fast becoming a coquet,--a flirt. In her +little world she was a queen, and the homage of one did not satisfy her. +Hearts were her playthings,--they amused her, and she liked to be +amused. + +One day, during the dinner hour;--she had brought her dinner to the +mill, which was her invariable custom, as the house where she lodged was +a considerable distance from the works;--she was sitting in a retired +corner in an adjoining room, when looking up she saw Dick standing close +by her and regarding her with such a longing, yet troubled look, that +although she laughed, and was about to make some flippant remark, she +checked herself, and made room on the little bench for him to sit. + +"Why, Dick," she said, as he took his place beside her, "what's to do? +Has th' boiler brussen, or are we going on strike?" + +"Nay, Susy, its summat moor serious nor that. Aw thowt aw should find +thee here. Aw hope tha arn't mad at aw've come." + +"What should aw be mad for? Tha's as mich reight to be here as me,--an +if it comes to that aw suppooas we've nawther on us onny business here +an aw think aw'll be gooin." + +"Net just yet, Susy;--stop a minnit,--aw've summat to say. Its varry +particlar. Can't ta guess what it is?" + +"Aw dooant know unless tha'rt gooin to find fault abaat mi piece, an awm +sewer aw've done mi best wi it, but yond warp's rotten." + +"Its nowt abaat thi wark, its moor important to me nor all th' wark i'th +shed. O, Susy, awm sewer tha must know what aw want to say. Tha connot +be blind, an tha must know at awm fonder on thi nor o' onnybody i' all +this world. Tha knows ha bonny tha art, an tha knows tha's nobbut to put +up thi finger an tha can have onny single chap i'th shop, but, believe +me, Susy,--ther isn't one at can ivver love thi as aw love thi. Aw'll +work for thi throo morn to neet, an tha shall be th' happiest woman i'th +world if its i' my paar to mak thi soa. What says ta? Aw willn't hurry +thee if tha wants time to think abaat it,--but tell me,--is ther +onnybody at tha likes better?" + +"Why, Dick, tha's fairly knockt th' wind aght o' me. Tha sewerly forgets +at awm a widdy. A young chap like thee doesn't owt to be lukkin after +widdys, when ther's soa monny single young lasses abaat waitin for +chaps." + +"It'd mak noa difference to me if tha wor a widdy twenty times ovver. +Tha'rt th' grandest woman aw ivver met, an if aw ivver do wed it'll be +thee. Come, nah, tell me,--we havn't mich time befoor th' engine starts. +Is ther onnybody tha likes better nor me. Spaik aght. If ther is aw'll +bide it as weel as aw can, an aw'll nivver trubble thi agean." + +"Noa, Dick, ther isn't. That's gospel trewth. Ther's nubdy livin at aw +like better nor thee, an aw dooant know another aw like as weel, but tha +knows when it comes to weddin, it mun be summat moor nor likin th' next +time. It'll have to be lovin. An aw dooant love thee weel enuff, but aw +may leearn to do, but tha mun gie me time." + +"Yond's th' engine startin, aw mun be off;--an bless thi for what tha's +sed. Aw'll mak misen worthy on thi, an tha shall love me at th' finish." + +That afternoon Dick seemed to be walking on air. His face was flushed, +and his heart beat until his voice was so unsteady that those who had to +speak with him eyed him curiously. As he passed Susy's loom she gave him +a look so full of love and sympathy that it required an effort to pass +on to his other duties. + +When the day's work was ended, he waited, as was his custom, for Jack, +though he would much rather have gone home alone. He felt selfishly +happy, and he wanted to nurse his secret where no eye could read his +exultation. It was a something sacred,--too sacred to be shared even +with Jack. + +As they walked along, they saw Susy tripping away, some distance in +advance. + +"Yond's Susy, aw see," said Jack. "Aw could tell her onnywhear. Shoo +doesn't walk like th' rest on em. Aw wonder if shoo'll ivver think abaat +gettin wed agean." + +"That's a matter at we've nowt to do wi. Aw suppooas shoo'll pleas +hersen," said Dick, in a tone that fairly startled Jack. + +"Summat must ha gooan wrang wi' him at his wark," thought Jack, and they +walked along, only now and then giving utterance to some common place +remark. Dick's conscience accused him. He felt that he possessed a +secret that Jack could not share. There was a rift in the lute. Perfect +confidence had ceased to exist between them. Why should it be so? he +asked himself. Jack has committed no fault. Had the case been reversed +he felt sure that Jack would have confided in him. Ah, but Jack could +never love her as he loved her! Nobody could ever love her as he loved +her! Nobody! Days and weeks went by, and it was a hard time for Dick. +Sometimes he was in the seventh heaven of delight, and again he was +plunged in the depths of misery and despair. + +Susy seemed just as frivolous as ever. His declaration made no +difference in her. She dispensed her smiles as impartially as ever, to +all appearance unconscious that every favour bestowed on another was a +stab to Dick, but however full of resentment he might feel, a sidelong +glance which seemed so full of meaning to him banished his discontent +and he accused himself of unreasonable jealousy. + +The coldness between the two friends seemed to increase, yet they went +to work together as usual, but conversation flagged and only indifferent +subjects were touched upon. Dick had still unbounded faith in Susy, and +although he could not but see that she avoided him, he accounted for it +owing to the respect she still felt for the husband she had lost, and to +the seriousness of making a second matrimonial venture. + +One day, during the dinner hour, something seemed to impel him to see +her and plead with her once more. He knew where she was to be found, and +was proceeding to the place, when he heard her voice. He was screened by +some huge bales of yarn, and he could hear what she said distinctly. + +"Its varry kind o' thee, Jack, to tak pity on me,--aw like thee weel +enuff, in fact ther's nubdy aw like better, but when aw wed agean it mun +be moor nor likin, it will have to be love. Aw may leearn to love thi +yet, but tha mun gie me time." + +Dick could wait to hear no more. Retracing his steps noiselessly, he +went out into the open air. Could it be true? Had his ears deceived him? +Was it possible that the beautiful woman on whom he had lavished all the +first love of his life could be capable of playing with him in such a +fashion? Jack was his rival! He was a sycophant! a hypocrite! a villian! + +How the afternoon passed he could not tell. He kept as far away from +Susy as his duties would allow, and at night he walked home alone. + +Next day he met Jack at the entrance to the works, but he gave him such +a look of hatred that he stepped aside and he passed without a word. + +Jack was quite unconscious of having done anything to merit such +treatment, but by degrees, as he reviewed the incidents of the past few +weeks, a light broke upon him;--he saw it all. They were rivals. + +From that time all intercourse ceased between the two who had been +deemed inseparable. This gave rise to many remarks from their +acquaintances, not a few of whom guessed the cause. + +Susy seemed quite unconcerned, and smiled as sweetly as ever. Dick +furtively watched her, and the more he looked, the stronger grew his mad +infatuation and the deeper became his determination to be revenged. + +He never again intruded himself on Susy's dinner hour, but he knew that +Jack took every opportunity of seeing her, and the work that he should +have done during the time the machine was standing, he had to hurry over +when it was in motion. It was a hazardous work;--a single slip might +lead to a certain and horrible death. But he was experienced and +cautious, and he felt no fear. + +The fire of revenge, always smouldering, was almost daily fanned into +flame by real or fancied causes. + +Jack went calmly on his way. He regretted the break in their friendship, +but he could not resign Susy. He hoped all things would come out right +at last. + +A day came, when, as the engine began to set in motion the innumerable +shafts and wheels and pulleys, which in turn transmitted their mighty +strength over the hundreds of looms,--Dick stood at the end of the row +of machines that were under his charge. His eyes had a strange light in +them and his face was unnaturally pale, and his hands wandered +unmeaningly over the loom nearest him. + +A scream reverberated through the shed, above all the clatter of +shuttles and whirr of wheels, and was repeated again, and again. There +was a rush towards one point. The mighty engine stopped with a groan, +and all the wheels were motionless. All the workers had deserted their +posts,--nay,--not all. Dick stood shivering, grasping an iron bar for +support. + +Susy, stood confronting him. The look in her wonderful eyes was one that +he had never before seen. No word was spoken. She passed on to join the +throng, and Dick followed like one in a dream. + +"Poor Jack!" "poor lad!" was heard on every hand. The crowd divided, and +four strong men bore the battered and bleeding form into the private +office. Dick saw it,--he followed close behind it. Outside the very +sunshine seemed red. He seemed to awake from a dream. There was his +friend,--the friend he had loved,--nay,--more,--the friend he did love +still. And he? what was he? A murderer: + +No one had accused him;--no one even suspected him. Yes there was one. +Her eyes still seemed to glare at him with their mute accusation. + +What did he care? She had caused it all. He inwardly cursed her; and +cursing her loved her more madly than ever. There was no revenge in his +breast now. + +Hastily throwing on his jacket, he followed the ambulance on which lay +the unconcious body, covered with a sheet through which the blood had +already penetrated. A doctor had been summoned and he said life was not +extinct. + +When the Infirmary was reached, Dick entered, no one attempted to +intercept him. But when the body was placed in the accident ward, all +but the doctors and nurses were ordered out. Dick paced the corridor +from end to end incessantly. He could not leave until he knew the worst. + +He had long to wait, but at last the doctors appeared. + +"He still lives, but there is no hope." + +And with that terrible sentence ringing in his ear, he had to leave him. + +When he reached the works again, he found them closed, but a crowd of +workers were gathered there. He joined them. They were discussing the +terrible accident. + +"Aw saw it," sed one, "aw wor standin cloise to him when th' ladder +smashed an threw him onto th' shaft. His smock wor catched in a second, +an he wor whirled raand an raand until th' engine wor stopt, and then he +dropt to th' graand battered to bits." + +"Its ten thaasand pities," sed another, "an aw connot help thinkin +ther's been some foul play somewhear. Who can ha takken th' brokken +ladder away? That ladder should be examined. Somdy may ha been foolin wi +it." + +"It does seem strange," said several, "but mooast likely it'll turn up." + +They soon began to scatter, and Dick went homewards. The ladder! Who +could have taken the ladder? The tell tale ladder, that bore the +evidence of his guilt. + +Arrived at home, he shut himself in his room and there he sat through +what appeared to him an eternity of night. He felt no desire to sleep. +Early in the morning found him again at the Infirmary. He questioned a +nurse who was passing. + +"He is quite conscious now, but he cannot hold out many hours. It is +better he should die, than live a helpless cripple all the rest of his +days." + +"Aw mun see him," he sed, "Do let me see him." + +"That cannot be without the doctor's permission," she said, but seeing +the frantic grief of the man, she went and brought the doctor's consent. + +Dick was soon at the bedside. He saw only the bandaged head. The face +was scarcely disfigured, but there was a look upon it that could not be +misunderstood. + +A faint smile played over his pale features, as he recognised his +visitor. Dick could not speak, but sank on his knees by the bedside and +sobbed as only a strong man can sob. + +"Jack," he sed at last, "can ta forgie me, lad? Aw did it. But aw wor +mad! The devil had me in his clutches. Awm willin to suffer for it, but +do forgie me. Forgie me for old times sake." + +"Aw knew tha did it, but aw forgie thi freely, for tha didn't know it +wod end like this. Aw wor to blame for net dooin mi wark when aw should +ha done. Dunnot blame Susy. Shoo's worthy on thi. Shoo tell'd me 'at all +her heart wor thine, an aw did all aw could to mak thi jaylus. An shoo +wor praad, an when tha seemed to slight her it cut her up, but pride +wodn't let her tell thi what aw've tell'd thi nah. It's hard to leeav +th' world when young, but its mi own fault. Forgie me, Dick, an let me +dee, an may thee an Susy be happy." + +"That can nivver be, Jack. Thear's noa mooar happiness for me." + +There was no response. The eyelids drooped,--the jaw fell. The nurse who +had stood at a distance, drew near and spread a white napkin over his +face. + +"He's gone. 'Tis better so." + +An inquest was held. "Accidental death" was the verdict. + +The ladder could not be found. Neither Dick nor Susy ever entered those +works again. They were both sadly altered. After Jack's funeral, months +passed before they met again. What took place when they did meet can +only be surmised. Some short time afterwards their was a quiet wedding, +and they moved to another town. But Dick never recovered his old +spirits, and it was not long before she was a second time a widow. + +When Dick was in his coffin and the men stood by to close it for the +last time, she placed in it a parcel. It contained two pieces of a +broken ladder, showing where it had been sawn almost in two. This is all +the story, Susy is living yet. The secret rests with her and me. + + + + +"If aw wor a Woman." + + +"If aw wor a woman awd----" + +"If tha wor a woman tha'd be a disgrace to ivverybody belangin to thi, +an thar't little else nah," sed Mally. + +"Aw wor gooin to remark, 'at if aw wor a woman----" + +"Eah! but tha arn't a woman, an if tha wor tha'd wish thisen a man +agean, varry sharply. But if aw wor a man awd set a different example to +what tha does. Aw wonder sometimes what thar't thinkin on, if tha ivver +does think, which awm inclined to daat, unless its thinkin ha tha can +contrive to be awkard an aggravatin." + +"Well, but as aw wor gooin to say, If aw wor a----" + +"Aw dooant want to hear owt tha has to say abaat it. A fine woman tha'd +mak! But aw wish tha wor foorced to swap places wi me for a wick. Aw +should like to see ha tha'd fancy gettin up befoor dayleet ov a Mondy +mornin an start o' sich a weshin o' clooas as aw have to face ivvery +wick; to say nowt abaat starchin an manglin an ironin. An then to start +an brew a barrel o' ale for other fowk to sup; an then to bake for sich +a family as we've getten,--nivver to mention makkin th' beds an cleanin +th' hearthstun,--an' th' meals to get ready, an then to cleean th' haase +throo top to bottom ivvery wick,--an darn th' stockins an put a claat on +here an a patch on thear, an fifty moor things beside,--an nivver get a +word o' thanks for it. Aw just wish tha wor a woman for an odd wick. Aw +do, truly." + +"As aw sed befoor, If aw wor a----" + +"Awm capt tha hasn't moor sense nor to keep tawkin sich foolishness. Tha +knows tha arn't a woman an tha nivver can be,--moor's pity. But if aw +wor a man awd awther tawk sense or keep mi maath shut. Aw think +sometimes 'at summat 'll happen to thi as a judgment for bein sich an +ungrateful tyke as tha art. Tha gets up in a mornin an finds thi +braikfast ready, an if ther's owt i'th haase at's nice an tasty tha gets +it; an then tha walks aght to what tha calls thi wark, an comes to thi +dinner, an off agean wol drinkin time, an after that tha awther gooas an +caars i' some Jerryhoil, or else tha sits rockin thisen i'th front o'th +fair, smokin thi bacca an enjoyin thisen wol bedtime. Ther's some fowk +dooant know when they're weel done to. But aw know who it is 'at has to +tew an slave all th' day, wi hardly a chonce to wipe th' sweeat off mi +face." + +"But, if tha'll lissen, aw wor gooin to remark, If aw wor----" + +"Tha maks a deeal too monny remarks. Tha'll sit thear, remarkin an +praichin bi th' haar together, an nivver give me a chonce to get in a +word edgeways. But awm just sick an stall'd o' harkenin to thi. They wor +a time, years sin nah,--but aw can remember it tho' tha's forgetten +it,--when tha used to sit an lissen to owt aw had to say, an my word wor +law then. An if mi little finger warked tha'd hardly be able to sleep ov +a neet for trubblin abaat it. But it's different nah. Aw dooant believe +it ud disturb thi if mi heead had to tummel off mi shoolders. Aw've +studden a gooid deeal sin aw wor wed to thee, an aw expect aw'st ha to +stand a lot moor; but one thing aw willn't put up wi, an that is, sittin +an listenin to thee, an havin to keep mi tongue still. Soa tha knows." + +"Well, but if aw wor----" + +"Nah, let it stop just whear it is. Tha's getten a tawkin fit on aw +know,--aw wonder thi jaws dooant wark. But aw willn't hear another word! +Noa, net a word!" + +"But if----" + +"Ther's noa 'buts' abaat it! Hold thi noise, do! Tha'd tawk a hen an +chickens to deeath. Tha wod. Aw wonder if aw shall ivver have a bit o' +peace?--Net befoor awm laid low, aw reckon." + + + + +Sammywell's Soft Snap. + + +"What wor yond clatter, Mally? Has somdy been smashin summat?" + +"Nowt 'at meeans mich. It wor a accident an couldn't be helpt." + +"Well, what wor it? Can't ta spaik?" + +"It's nowt at's owt to do wi thee, soa tha needn't let it bother thi +heead; but if tha'rt soa crazy to know aw can tell thi.--It's awr +Hepsabah's Jerrymiah at's brokken th' winder i'th weshus. Nah, arta +satisfied?" + +"Satisfied! Now! Satisfied bi gum! Does ta think aw've nowt else to do +wi mi brass but to buy winders for Jerrymiah to smash? Ha is it awr +Hepsabah can't keep her childer at hooam? When we'd childer we nivver +sent em raand to ther gronfather's to smash winders! An if aw catch hold +o' that young taistrel aw'll tak th' skin off him!" + +"Hold thi din, gert softheead! Onnybody to hear thi tawk, 'ud think +tha'd gooan cleean wrang i' thi heead! Bless mi life! tha dosn't think +'at th' child did it on purpose, does ta? He wor nobbut tryin his best +to catch a blue-bottle-fly, an it went into th' winder whear be couldn't +raik it, soa he sammed up a teacup an flang it at it,--nivver thinkin +owt abaat th' winder, becoss he knew ha tha hated sich things buzzin +abaat thi heead; but whativver that child does it seems to be wrang. +Aw'd be shamed o' misen to start grumblin abaat a bit ov a tupny-hawpny +winder!" + +"Tupny-hawpny winder! Why, it'll cost a shillin to get that winder put +in! An what abaat th' teahcup?" + +"Oh, that's nowt. It wor nobbut an owd crackt en. Awd meant throwin it +away monny a wick sin. Th' child wor sadly trubbled when he saw what +he'd done, for he wor feeard tha'd be cross wi him, but aw tell'd him to +whisht, for tha wornt to a winder or two, soa tha can give him a hawpny +for spice, (tha knows he thinks a deeal moor on it when it comes throo +thee,) an tha can call at glazers shop an tell em to send a chap up to +put another pane in, an here's sixpence for thisen, sithee, for aw know +thi bacca's ommost done." + +"That's all reight. Ov cooarse th' child didn't meean to braik th' +winder, nor the teacup nawther,--but he owt to be towt different; an aw +dooant believe awr Hepsabah knows owt abaat trainin childer as they owt +to be trained. But aw'st send noa chap up here to put that winder in. +Aw've getten nowt else to do an aw meean to put that in misen. Aw can +buy a square o' glass that size, for abaat thrippence, an better glass +nor that wor too. But, Mally, nah this is a bargain;--If aw get th' +glass an th' putty, and put it in, tha gies me th' shillin th' same as +tha'd gie it onnybody else." + +"Tha can have th' shillin! Aw'm nooan grumblin abaat th' shillin,--but +aw connot see wot tha wants wi soa mich brass day after day. Ther's +hardly ivver a day passes ovver thi heead 'at tha dosen't ax me for +awther sixpince or a shillin, an awm sewer ther's all tha needs to ait +an drink at hooam, an tha's as gooid clooas to don as onny man need +wish,--an nobbut th' last Sundy, tha axt me for sixpince for th' +collection, an tha nobbut put in a hawpny, for aw wor watchin thi.--A'a, +well! but hasumivver, here's another shillin, soa if tha thinks tha can +put it in, goa an get a square a glass an ha dun wi it." + +"'Think aw can put it in?' Aw dooant think owt abaat it! Aw know aw can +put it in! What does ta tak me for? Does ta think aw havn't th' strength +an brains enuff to wrastle wi' a bit o' glass like that?" + +"Tha's wrastled wi too monny glasses, Sammywell, sin aw knew thi, an +they've getten thi daan moor noa once. It's gettin lat i'th' day, nah, +to expect thi to mend mich, but if tha'd nobbut sign teetotal an join +th' chapel, an buy Jerrymier a new Sundy suit, aw think aw mun see +summat to admire in thi even yet." + +"Ther's as mich to admire abaat me as ther is abaat some other fowk aw +could mention, but aw'll bi off just nah, for when aw've a job to do aw +want to get it done, an net stand hummin an haain abaat it like thee." + + ---------- + +"Nah, Mally lass. If awd had as mich sense when aw wor young as aw have +nah, we'st ha been ridin in us carriage. Sithee--aw've nobbut gien +thrippence for this glass an aw've getten putty for nowt an when that +winder's mended it'll be better nor new an ninepence saved, soa tha sees +we'st be soa mich i' pocket." + +"Then that's ninepence tha'd nivver ha saved if it hadn't ha been for +Jerrymier, soa tha connot say he's gooid for nowt onny moor." + +"Ger aght o' mi gate, an lets do summat. Bring me a cheer to stand on an +a knife an a hammer an a chissel an aw'll show thi ha to put a winder +in, in abaat two or three ticktacks. This is what aw call a soft snap. +Ninepence,--that's threepenoths for abaat three minnits wark. Nah, thee +stand thear an steady th' cheer. Here gooas!---- Aw wonder what dang'd +sooart o' putty that lumpheead used 'at put this winder in. It's as hard +as iron--Jer-rer-ruselem!" + +"What's to do, Sammywell? Has ta takken th' skin off?" + +"Skin off! Oooo! Aw've ommost takken mi finger off! Get us some claat an +a length o' threed to lap it up. If aw knew th' chap 'at put that winder +in, he'd nivver put another in." + +"Ther nah,--be moor careful,--it mud ha been war,--but tha sees that's +what comes ov a chap startin to do summat 'at he doesn't understand." + +"Understand! What the dickens is ther to understand abaat puttin a +winder in? It's nooan puttin a winder in at's trubble! it's gettin this +dang'd owd glass aght 'at tother chap put in. But awm nooan gooin to be +likt bi a winder. Stick fast to that cheer. One,--two,--three----" + +"Nah, tha's done it! Tha's gooan an brokken another pane! Ah knew tha'd +mak a mullock on it when tha started!" + +"Did ta! Well, aw'll mak a mullock o' thee i' two minnits if tha doesn't +shut up! Tha sees awm dooin mi best to try to save a penny or two an tha +does nowt but try to aggravate me. Braikin another pane doesn't amaant +to mich;--they're nobbut thrippence a piece; aw think th' best plan 'll +be to tak th' sash aght an put it on th' table, an then it'll be easier +to get at. What says ta!" + +"Do as tha likes, but aw think tha'd better let a chap come an put em in +an ha done wi' it." + +"If aw connot put a winder in we'll do baat. Nah, tha'll see it's just +as simple as suckin spice, nah 'at aw've getten it whear aw can get to +it. A'a, ther's noa wonder 'at them glazeners gettin rich! Chargin a +shillin for a bit ov a job like this. Awm moor nor hawf inclined to goa +into this trade, as old as aw am. Nah, tha sees, that's all ready for +puttin th' glass in. Umph!--th' chap 'at cut this must ha been cross +ee'd. Well, nivverheed,--aw guess aw can just squ-e-e-e-e-ze it in--. +Dang it! it's allus alike! If awd ha cut that glass misen it ud ha just +been reight. Nah it's crackt reight across! But it'll ha to do,--crackt +or net crackt! Consarn it! aw dooant see what fowk want wi winders in a +wesh haase! awm i' two minds to board th' hoil up an let em wesh i'th +dark. Hasumivver, that's nooan sich a bad job if it'll nobbut stick. If +aw hadn't brokken this tother pane aw'st had done nah. Nah, Mally, lass, +aw'st want another shillin for this tother winder." + +"Tha'll get noa moor aght o' me. Tha mun buy another square aght o' thi +ninepence tha's saved." + +"What ninepence?--Does ta expect a chap to goa trailin abaat th' taan +for a hawf a day buyin glass an stuff, an nivver spendin nowt. These +winders ud cost thi a shillin a piece if onny body else put em in, but +aw willn't be hard on thi,--gie me another sixpence an aw'll finish th' +job." + +"Aw wish tha'd nivver started it. But this is th' last penny tha'll get +aght o' me, soa tha knows! Aw nivver saw nubdy frame war i' mi life! +Why, if awd gien awr Hepsabah's Jerrymier th' job he'd ha done it better +nor that." + +"Wod he?--Well, suppooas tha does give him th' job! Aw'll tell thi what +it is.--Aw've just studden this sooart o' thing as long as awm gooin +to.--Ther's awr Hepsabah an her Jerrymiar, an thee, 'at know +ivverything an can do ivverything,--an aw know nowt an can do nowt, an +awm treeated war nor nowt, an soa yo can just tak them winders an stick +em up as they are, or mend em, or do what the daggers yo like wi em, but +aw tell thi this, once for all,--'at as long as ivver thy name's Mally, +tha'll nivver catch me slavin an plannin as aw have done for thee an +thine. If tha'd nivver ha interfered, them winders ud ha been in, but +tha'll nawther put em in thisen nor let me do it--soa awm gooin aght." + +"Gooid shutness! Th' longer he lives an th' war he gets." + + + + +A Bashful Bradfordian. + + +One wod hardly expect to find a bashful young chap in a Bradforth +printin office. But ther is one; but aght o' consideration for his +tender feelins aw willn't tell his real name, but call him James +Fearnly. If yo're varry anxious to find aght who it really is, this is +th' way to do it. When yo've a bit o' spare time, if yo connot manage to +get 'em all together at once, tak 'em one bi one, as yo can catch 'em, +an read this stooary to em. Th' furst one 'at blushes, yo may safely tak +to be him. + +James fell i' love wi a young woman 'at lived up Manningham loin, an its +allus been suppooased, bi them 'at know 'em, 'at shoo must ha fell i' +love wi him at th' same time, or sooiner; but hasumivver, to th' +surprise o' ivverybody 'at knew James, they gate wed. Ha they spent ther +honeymooin aw cannot tell, an aw wodn't if aw could, but after a bit +they gate nicely sattled in a little haase on Thornton Road. + +Angelina was his wife's name, but he cut it short an called her Angel, +which he varry likely thowt shoo wor. But if he wor bashful, shoo +worn't. Shoo'd a bonny face, an a shape 'at made ivvery old chap 'at saw +her wish he wor young ageean; an when owt tickled her shoo laft like a +locomotive whistle in a fit; an as for bein bashful,--why--shoo didn't +know what it meant. + +Shoo'd a sister,--A'a! but shoo wor a grand en! To tell the trewth, +James had fallen i' love wi her furst, but he wor too bashful to tell +her soa, an he'd nivver ha had pluck to pop th' question to Angelina if +it hadn't been 'at they wor lost at th' back o'th Taan Hall, an he had +to borrow a lantern to prevent 'em runnin agean lamppooasts. + +But when they'd getten sattled, Maude Blanche, (that wor th' sister's +name,) coom to pay em a visit. Nah, Maude Blanche wor just as fond o' +fun as James wor feeared on it, an shoo kept jabbin him between th' +ribs, an sayin all sooarts o' queer things, an axin him questions 'at he +couldn't answer an he blushed until Angelina had to tell her to stop, +for fear all his blooid wod be in his heead. + +Well, they went to bed. James an his wife i' one raam and Maude Blanche +i'th next. James wor sooin i'th land o' nod, an Angelina felt disgusted +when shoo heeard him snoorin an turned raand an followed his example. + +Ha long they had slept they didn't know, but Angelina oppen'd her e'en, +an what should shoo see, but th' drawers oppen, an all th' stuff +scattered raand. Shoo gave a skrike, an jam'd her elbow between James's +ribs wi' sich a foorce 'at he fell on th' floor like a log o' wood. + +"Murder! police! thieves!" shoo skriked. "A'a, dear! what ivver shall we +do! drive 'em aght!" + +"Angelina, aw cannot do it! It's impossible!" an he stood shivverin an +shakin and tryin to lap his legs up in his shirt tail. + +"Aw've been robbed! That solid goold brooch aw gave fifteen pence for is +missin, an all mi hair pins an a bobbin o' black threead, and gooidness +knows what else! Maude Blanche! come here! Maude Blanche! does ta hear?" + +"Gooid gracious! tha arn't callin thi sister in here an me i' this +state!" sed James, an he dived under th' bed. + +"Maude Blanche! _do_ come! Th' hasse is full o' robbers!" + +"For God's sake, Angelina, dunnot let her come in here till awm donned. +Aw've nowt on but mi shirt, and if shoo comes an sees me aw shall faint +reight off." + +"Shirt be hanged! what does it matter if shoo sees it! shoo'll have it +to wesh next wick! Tha owt to be 'shamed o' thisen!" + +"Aw am, an aw'st be moor soa if shoo comes in. Does ta know aw've noa +stockins on, an mi britches is hung ovver th' bed fooit; an this shirt +is a quarter ov a yard to short! Dunnot let her come in whativver tha +does!" + +Just then th' door oppened, an a smilin face peep'd in. + +"What's to do?" axt Maude Blanche. + +"We've been robbed! an that softheead is caarin under th' bed asteead o' +runnin after th' robbers!" + +"Turn her aght, Angelina! If tha doesn't aw shall sink throo th' floor. +Gie me mi britches if tha'll do nowt else, an then aw'll see what aw can +do. Maude Blanche! If tha hasn't forgetten all tha's ivver been towt at +th' Sundy schooil, get aght o' this hoil as sharp as tha can! If tha +doesn't tha'll see what tha'll be sorry for as long as tha lives, for aw +cannot stand it!" + +Angelina wor soa upset 'at shoo hardly knew what shoo wor dooin, but +shoo pitched James's britches under th' bed, and Maude Blanche wor +laffin wol shoo had to rest ageean th' bed fooit to steady hersen. + +James tried to put on his britches, but it wor noa easy matter, but in a +bit he did get his legs into 'em, altho' they wor th' wrang side before, +an then he crept aght, moor deead nor alive, an a deeal war freetened +wi' Maude Blanche nor he wor abaat th' robbers. + +"Whear's th' robbers?" he sed, lukkin daan at th' slack ov his britches +an fumblin after th' buttons. + +"Ther's noa robbers," sed Maude Blanche, "it's nobbut a bit o' my fun. +Aw heeard yo booath snooarin an aw thowt it ud be a gooid jooak to mak +yo fancy somedy'd brokken into th' haase." + +"A'a! did ta ivver!" sed Angelina, turnin to James; "did ta ivver see +one like her i' all thi life?" + +"Aw dooant think aw ivver did, an aw nivver want to see owt like her +agean. Aw wonder if shoo ivver saw owt like me? Aw should think shoo'll +nivver forget it as long as shoo lives." + +"A'a, hold thi wisht! Little things mak noa impression on awr Maude +Blanche." + +They all went to bed agean, but James couldn't sleep, his narves had +getten sich a shock. As sooin as it wor dayleet he gat up an dressed an +went to his wark, but he couldn't think o' owt else, an ivvery time he +did think, he blushed soa, wol th' foreman sed he wor sewer he'd getten +scarlet fayver, and advised him to goa hooam an get a hot posset. + +He's workin steady nah, but he's nivver getten ovver th' scare 'at heed +had that neet, an he nivver gooas to bed withaat his britches, or else +he has a newspaper pinned raand th' hem ov his shirt. + +Angelina tells him 'at he maks a deeal o' fuss abaat nowt, but he +considers it a varry serious matter. + +Last time 'at Maude Blanche paid 'em a visit, shoo wor wearin a pair o' +green spectacles, an when Angelina axt her what shoo wore 'em for, shoo +sed 'at shoo did it becoss shoo wor feared if shoo lukt at James wi' th' +naked eye 'at it mud send him into a fit. + +If th' young chaps whear he worked had getten to know abaat it, they'd +ha plagued his life aght, but they kept it to thersen. It wor Angelina +'at tell'd me abaat it, for shoo sed shoo knew aw could keep a saycret, +an it didn't matter whether aw could or net, for if aw tell'd it, ther'd +nubdy believe it. + +Well, aw've tell'd it, an it's true an all. + + + + +Th' Owd, Owd Story. + + +It wor th' owd, owd story he towd her, + Th' story, 'at's owder nor time; +Nowt ivver chap whisper'd wor owder, + Nowt ivver soa grand an sublime. +For man nivver towd ither story, + Soa chock full ov magic as this, +For, it shraaded th' young chaps i' glory, + An' filled her 'at listened wi' bliss. + +Th' story had wrought sich a wonder + Noa ither tale ivver has done-- +Two hearts, that afooar wor assunder, + Wor knit i' a crack into one. +An' still he kept tellin' her th' story, + Which mooar an' mooar wonderful grew, +(Soa oft its been tell'd its grown hoary,) + But shoo could hav sworn it wor new. + +Shoo thowt of th' angels above 'em, + Wor jealous o' her, an' him, then-- +For angels has noa chaps to love 'em, + Love's nobbut for wimmin an' men. +But th' love i' her heart ovvercame her, + An' shoo pitied th' whole angel thrang, +Aw know what love is, an' dooant blame her, + An' aw dooant think her pity wor wrang. + +Th' story wor towd, an' for ever + It wor noa gurt shakes what might befall; +Nowt but deeath, these two hearts could sever, + An' that nobbut partly, net awl: +For love like one's soul is immortal, + If its love, it wont vanish away-- +Its birth wor inside o' th' breet portal + Ov Eden, it knows noa decay. + +Sin' then it has lived on, while th' ages + Has rowled on wi' uniform flow, +As young, an as fresh, as when sages + Towd ther sweethearts it cent'ries ago-- +An' chaps 'll be tellin th' story, + Th' breet, owd, owd story ov love, +When time, an' love, fade inter th' glory + 'At streams thro' th' manshuns above. + + + + +Jim Nation's Fish-shop. + + +Sammywell Grimes an his wife, Mally, wor set anent th' foir,--Sammywell +seemingly varry mich interested ith' newspaper, an Mally, showin signs +ov impatience, wor darnin stockins. All wor silent except for th' tickin +oth' clock, wi nah an then a long-drawn-aght sigh throo Mally an an +occasional grunt throo Grimes. At last Mally couldn't stand it onny +longer, an shoo pitched th' stockins on th' table an sed,-- + +"Dost know, its just cloise on an haar an a hawf sin tha set daan wi +that paper, an tha's nivver oppened thi lips to me durin that time? Aw +remember when things wor different. Ther wor a time when tha tuk a +delight i' tellin me all th' news, but latterly tha tells me nowt, an if +it worn't for Hepsabah an some oth' naybors aw shouldn't know whether +th' world wor gooin on as usual, or it had come to an end." + +"Why, lass,--th' fact oth' matter is ther's nowt to tell. Aw nivver saw +th' like. Aw dooant know what papers are gooin into, for ther isn't a +bit o' news in em. Aw've just glanced ovver this an aw can find nowt +worth readin." + +"It doesen't tak thee an haar an a hawf to find that aght. Is ther owt +in abaat th' war?" + +"Oh, war! Aw believe it does say summat abaat th' war. It's still gooin +on, an one chap has sprained his ankle an another has had a narrow +escape an De Wet is expected to be captured as sooin as they get hold on +him, an a lot moor sich tales, but they arn't worth thinkin abaat coss +they'll all be contradicted ith' mornin." + +"An does it say nowt abaat that butcher at's run away an left his wife? +Awr Hepsabah wor sayin shoo believed they'd catched him." + +"Hi! They've catched him, an he wor browt up at th' Taan Hall this +mornin an he pleaded 'guilty,' soa th' magistrate sed as he'd allus +borne a gooid character he'd give him his choice, an he could awther goa +back hooam an live wi his wife or goa to quod for three months wi hard +labour." + +"They've let him off easier nor he desarved, but aw should think his +wife's gien him a bit ov her mind." + +"Nay, net shoo! Shoo's nivver had th' chonce, for he tuk three months. +Shoo's a tartar aw believe." + +"Shoo must be if that's th' case. A'a, Sammywell,--a chap at's blessed +wi a gooid wife owt to goa daan on his knees i' gratitude for they're +varry scarce." + +"Aw believe they are;--a chap wod have to goa a far way to find one at +this day." + +"He'd have to travel a deeal farther to find a gooid husband,--aw can +tell thi that! An if tha arn't satisfied wi thi wife tha's getten tha'rt +at liberty to goa an find a better. It's noa use a woman tryin to be a +gooid wife at this day, for they get noa better thowt on. If they did, +tha'd think moor o' me nor tha does!" + +"Aw dooant see ha aw could do that, lass, for tha nivver gives me a +chonce to forget thi unless its when awm asleep, an net oft then, for if +tha doesn't want one thing tha wants another, an awm allus fain to do +what aw con for thi, but tha'rt nivver satisfied for long together. Aw +wonder sometimes what aw gate wed for." + +"Aw've been wonderin that for a deal o' years. Th' fact is aw dooant +know what sich chaps live for. If aw wor a man aw should like to be able +to luk back an think awd done a gooid turn to mi fellow-man." + +"Aw think aw did that when aw wed thee." + +"It wor th' best thing tha ivver did for thisen, an tha knows it! But +awm net gooin to waste mi time tawkin to thee for tha arn't worth it. +Has ta made up thi mind what tha'rt baan to have for thi supper?" + +"Owt 'll do for me." + +"As tha seems to care soa little abaat it, suppooas tha gooas withaat +for a change." + +"All reight, lass. Just do as tha likes." + +"Aw connot do as aw like, if aw could aw should have summat to ait, for +aw've hardly put a bite into mi heead this day, an ther's nowt ith' +haase aw can touch, an awm too tired to goa aght for owt, an aw've nubdy +to send, soa aw'st ha to do withaat as usual." + +"If tha'll nobbut say what tha wants aw'll fotch it for thi if its to be +had; tha knows that." + +"Well, if tha doesn't mind. Aw think we could booath enjoy a bowlful o' +mussles,--but they mun be gooid ens an aw dooant think tha knows th' +shop. They call th' chap 'at keeps it Jim Nation, but aw dooant know +whear it is, but tha can easy find aght." + +"Willn't onny other shop do just as weel?" + +"Noa, another shop willn't do becoss aw want th' best. We allus pay +ready brass for awr stuff an aw dooant like to think at other fowk get +better sarved; an when aw went for th' milk this mornin aw heeard +Mistress Whitin tawkin to Widdy Baystey an shoo sed, 'my husband's +getten mussels twice as big sin he went to Jim Nation's shop,' an aw +want some oth' same sooart." + +"Gie me summat to put 'em in," sed Grimes, "aw'st sooin find it for ther +isn't monny fish-shops i' Bradforth." + +"Well, luk as sharp as tha can," sed Mally, "an be sewer they're fresh." + +Grimes set off an Mally began at once to get th' table laid for th' +supper. + +Befoor Grimes had gooan varry far he thowt his wisest plan wod be to ax +somdy. Soa seein a poleeceman he made enquiries. + +"Aw dooant know exactly," sed th' bobby, "but aw fancy ther's a chap o' +that name keeps a shop somewhere up Manningham way." + +Soa Sammywell set off i' that direction, keepin his een oppen for a fish +shop. After he'd gooan ommost a mile he sed, + +"Awm a fooil for commin all this way, for if awd nobbut gien it a thowt +aw'st ha known ther wor noa shop o' that sooart up here. Mi best plan +wod ha been to goa to th' market an enquire thear. They'd be sewer to +know," soa he walked back agean, but he made a few enquiries as he went +along, but nubdy seemed to know. + +Just as he'd getten to Westgate he saw Tom Taggart an he felt sewer he'd +know, for he seemed to spend his time trailin abaat th' streets. + +"Hallo, Tom!" he sed, "tha'rt just th' chap aw wanted to see! Can ta +tell me whear Jim Nation keeps his fish shop?" + +"Jim Nation?" sed Tom, rubbin his chin,--"Let me see. Are ta sewer it's +a fish shop?" + +"Aw should think it is for he sells mussels." + +"O,--hi, tha'rt reight. It is a fish shop. What did ta say wor th' +chap's name?" + +"Jim Nation." + +"O,--Jim is it? Tha'rt sewer it isn't 'Tom'?" + +"Noa, it's Jim." + +"It isn't Sam Shackleton tha meeans, is it? He sells fish sometimes." + +"Aw tell thi his name's Jim Nation." + +"O,--well,--then it willn't be Sam Shackleton. Awm like as if aw know +th' chap tha meeans but aw connot spot him this minnit. Let's goa into +th' 'Star' an mak some enquirements, ther's sewer to be somdy 'll know +him." + +Soa into th' 'Star' they went, an Tom called for a pint for hissen an +axt Grimes what he wor gooing to have. "We connot come in an goa aght +drymaath, tha knows," sed Tom, soa Grimes ordered twopenoth an paid for +booath. Then they axt ivverybody if they knew whear Jim Nation's fish +shop wor, but altho two or three on em believed they'd seen it, nubdy +could tell whear. + +"We'd better have another drink an sit daan a bit," sed Tom, "ther'll be +sewer for somdy to come in at'll know." + +But Sammywell worn't havin onny moor o' that sooart, so he left em. When +he wor aght ith' street ageean, he scrat his heead an sed summat he +shouldn't. + +"What a lumpheead aw am! Why didn't aw goa to ax Mistress Whitin at +furst, an save misen all this bother?" an he started at once for her +haase. + +He faand her sittin sewin,--for ther's little or noa trade dooin in a +milk shop after drinkin time. + +"Wod yo be soa gooid, Mistress Whitin, as to tell me whear Jim Nation +has his fish shop?" + +"Fish shop.--Jim Nation.--Nay, Mr. Grimes, awm sooary to say aw connot. +It's nowhear abaat here, that awm sewer on. Has he been ith' trade +long?" + +"Well, this is the degger! Aw've happen getten th' wrang name; but awm +sewer that's what Mally tell'd me. But yo happen willn't mind tellin me +whear yo're husband buys his mussels?" + +"Mussels! My husband nivver buys onny mussels. If he does he taks em +somewhear else to cook, for we havn't had sich a thing i' awr haase aw +couldn't tell th' time when. Awm feeard on 'em. Yo must be mistakken." + +"Well, ther's a mistak somewhear,--that's a sartanty. My best plan will +be to goa back hooam an see if aw can get some better information." + +"Tha's been a long time, Sammywell;--had ta onny trubble to find th' +shop?" + +"Shop! Ther isn't sich a shop! Aw've walked monny a mile an axt scoors +o' fowk, an my belief is at tha's just been makkin a laffinstock on me. +Mistress Whitin says shoo nivver heeard tell o' sich a chap nor shop +nawther." + +"Then hasn't ta browt onny?" + +"Ha the dickens could aw bring onny when aw tell thi aw couldn't find +th' shop!" + +"A child o' four year old could goa a eearand better nor thee! If awd +sent Jerrymier he'd ha browt em an they'd ha been cook't an etten befoor +nah." + +"Well, it isn't too lat to send Jerrymier yet. But aw tell thi Mistress +Whitin says ther isn't sich a shop, an they nivver had a mussel i' ther +haase sin they wor born nor for years befoor that!" + +"Ov course shoo'd say soa! That shows th' depth on her. Shoo wants to +have th' best o' ivverything for hersen. But aw'll goa an see if shoo'll +tell sich a tale to me. Her's isn't th' only milk shop i' Bradforth, an +aw'll nivver buy another drop on her as long as aw live. An if shoo +doesn't mind what shoo's dooin aw'll put th' inspector onto her, for its +moor watter nor milk at aw've been gettin thear for a long time." + +Mally threw a shawl ovver her heead an tuk th' basket, an called for +Jerrymier, so as he could carry it for her, an away they went. + +Mistress Whitin wor sittin just as Sammywell had left her, an wor runnin +ovver in her mind th' names ov all th' fowk she knew at kept fish shops. +When Mally stept in shoo didn't nooatice at shoo wor varry excited soa +shoo sed, + +"Come in, Mally;--awm just studyin abaat what yo're Grimes wor axin me +two-or-three minnits sin." + +"It needs noa studyin abaat. Yo know what he axt yo weel enuff, but yo +dooant want to tell. Aw've allus takken yo to be a varry different +sooart ov a woman. Didn't aw hear yo, wi mi own ears, tellin owd Widdy +Baystey,--noa longer sin nor this mornin, at sin yor husband began gooin +to Jim Nations at he gate mussels twice as big as at onny other shop? +Nah, deny it if yo can. Aw dooant see what ther is to laff at nawther." + +"Why, Mistress Grimes, yo've made a sad mistak. Aw wor nobbut advisin +Mistress Baystey to let her lad,--him at's so waikly,--to goa th' +Gymnasium. Sin my husband started o' gooin he's twice as strong as he +wor, an th' muscles ov his arms are twice th' size they used to be. Yo +see its been all a mistak." + +It tuk Mally a minnit or two befoor shoo could reckon things up fairly, +but as sooin as shoo did shoo laft too, an then takkin Jerrymier bith +arm started off to find th' nearest fish shop. + +They hadn't far to goa, but when shoo axt th' chap ha he wor sellin his +mussels, he stared at her wi' all th' een in his heead. + +"Mussels! Ther's noa mussels at this time oth' year," he sed. + +Mally lukt flummuxt for a minnit, then givin Jerrymier a shillin to goa +to th' pooarkshop for a duzzen sheep trotters, they sooin landed safely +hooam. + +"Noa wonder tha didn't bring onny mussels, Sammywell, for they arn't i' +season, but aw've browt summat aw know tha likes. Here Jerrymier, tak +these for thisen, an dooant be long befoor tha'rt i' bed." + +Ha they enjoyed ther supper aw can nobbut guess, an what explanation +shoo gave Grimes aw dooant know, but Jerrymier an his gronfather wor +laffin fit to split th' next mornin, at th' yard botham. + + + + +Bob Brierley's Bull Pup. + + +Bob Brierley had been wed three months. He wor a book-keeper an a varry +daycent chap for owt aw knaw to th' contrary. His wife wor a nice young +thing, an blest wi a gooid share o' common sense. It seems strange, but +yo'll find its generally th' case, at th' best lasses wed th' biggest +fooils. But this isn't allus soa, for aw wed one o'th best misen. + +Hasumivver, Bob an his wife wor varry happy, at leeast they thowt soa, +but they had to have a taste o' trubble like th' rest o' fowk. + +They'd noa childer, nor onny signs o' onny, but they had a bull pup. It +wor a gooid job i' one respect at they had this pup, for if they hadn't +aw should ha been short ov a subject to write abaat. + +Whether it had etten summat at upset it stummack, or whether it grew +sick o' seein them fondlin an messin wi one another aw dooant know, but +ther's noa daat abaat it bein sick. + +This didn't bother Bob varry mich;--men havn't sich tender feelins as +wimmin, but Angelina, (that wor wife's name, but her husband called her +Angel) wor i' sooar trubble. Shoo gave it castor oil, an +hippi-kick-yor-Anna, an coddled it up i' flannel, an cried ovver it, an +when Bob coom hooam to his drinkin, an grumeld becoss it worn't ready, +shoo called him a hard hearted infidel. + +Bob didn't quite like it, but seein at shoo wor soa put abaght, he made +shift wi sich things as wor handy, an then tuk his share o' nursin wol +Angel cook'd a beefsteak for hersen. + +But i' spite ov all they could do, it just fittered once an gave a +farewell yelp, and deed. It wor a sorrowful neet. Whether they lost onny +sleep ovver it aw dooan't know, but next mornin Angelina sed shoo'd "had +its voice ringin in her ears all th' neet, an shoo thowt shoo'd nivver +get ovver th' loss on it." + +"Oh, we'st get ovver it i' time," sed Bob, "it nobbut cost ten an +sixpence, an when aw get mi wage advanced aw'll buy another." + +Angelina made noa reply to what shoo considered a varry unfeelin remark, +an for th' furst time durin ther wedded life shoo began to suspect at +Bob wor noa better nor th' rest o' fowk. + +"What mun we do wi th' little darlin?" shoo axt. + +"Why, chuck it i'th middin," sed Bob, an then seein a luk ov horror coom +ovver her face, "unless tha intends to have it stuffed, or mak sawsiges +on it." + +This wor moor nor Angelina could stand, an sinkin into th' rockin cheer, +shoo wod ha fainted reight away, but happenin to see th' clock, shoo saw +it wor time for Bob to start for his wark, an he couldn't stop to bring +her raand, soa shoo had to pospone faintin till another time. + +"Happen awd better bury it i'th garden," he sed, "it willn't tak a +minnit." + +"E'e! nay!" shoo sed, "aw'll lap it up i' some nice clean newspaper, an +tha mun tak it wi thi, an when tha finds a nice secluded spot, whear it +can rest peacefully, lay it to rest." + +"All reight, lass! put it on th' table wol aw goa for mi hat an coit," +sed Bob, "an dunnot freeat." + +Angelina lapt it carefully up, an sat daan to have a gooid cry, an Bob +coom rushin daan, feeard he'd be lat, tuckt th' bundle under his arm an +set off intendin to drop it into th' furst ashpit he coom to. + +He passed monny a one, but ther wor allus somdy abaat, an he couldn't +get a chonce o' gettin shut on it, an he wor foorced to tak it to th' +office wi him. This didn't trubble him varry mich, for he'd allus a hawf +an haar for his lunch at twelve o'clock, soa he detarmined he'd dispooas +on it then, an i'th meantime, he put it in a cubboard i'th office, whear +it wodn't be seen. + +It seem'd to Bob at moor fowk went to th' cubboard that mornin nor had +ivver been to it befoor. + +"Its time this cubboard had a clean aght," sed th' manager as he wor +huntin for a book, "it smells like a vault." + +Bob tremeld, but all passed off safely. Twenty times during that mornin +he wor put in a sweeat wi' furst one an another, but twelve o'clock coom +at last, an waitin till tother clarks had gooan, he grabbed his parcel, +an jumpt in th' furst tramcar he saw,--luckily ther wor nobbut one man +inside an he wor readin a paper,--soa puttin his parcel i'th opposite +corner, he jumpt off at the next stoppin place. He started off at full +speed an wor just beginnin to smile at his own clivverness, when somdy +shaated. + +"Hi! Hi, thear!" an turning to luk, he saw a man rushin towards him +holdin his parcel. + +"You forgot your parcel, young man," he said, puffin an blowin, "it was +lucky I happened to see it!" + +Bob sed "thank yo" as weel as he could, an then sed summat else, which +aw willn't repeat, an tuckin it under his arm, he went to th' place +whear he usually gat his breead an cheese an his glass o' bitter. + +He sat in a quiet corner, an one bi one th' customers went aght, an +thinkin he saw a favourable chonce, he put his bundle on th' seeat, and +threw a newspaper carelessly ovver it, supt up--an when he thowt nubdy +wor lukkin he quietly left it an wor sooin back in his office, feelin +wonderfully relieved. But he hadn't seen th' last on it even then. + +All wor quiet except for th' scratchin o' pens, for th' maister wor +sittin at his private desk, when a redheeaded lad,--Bob thowt he wor th' +ugliest lad he'd ivver seen in his life,--coom in grinnin, an sydlin up +to him, an holdin th' parcel at arms length, as if he wor feeared o' +bein bitten, he sed, "th' lanlord o'th 'Slip Inn' has sent this,--he +says yo left it on th' seeat." + +Bob snatched it aght ov his hand an put it in his desk, but th' lad +still stood grinnin. + +"Dooan't aw get owt for bringin it? Aw know what it is, an aw should +think its worth summat." + +Bob's face wor as red as a hep, an th' sweeat wor like dew on his +forheead,--th' leeast coin he had wor a shillin, but he put it into his +hand an bundled him aght, wol th' maister gave him a luk at made him +uncomfortable for th' balance o'th day. + +When five o'clock set him at liberty, he tuk his parcel once moor an +started for hooam; but ther wor a grim luk ov determination on his face. + +"Aw'll get rid o' thee this time, if aw have to walk twenty mile to find +a place," he sed. "Th' chap aw bowt thee on, sed ther wor nowt like a +bull pup for stickin, an tha's stuck to me wi a vengence. Aw wodn't goa +throo another day like this for all th' bull pups i' Bulgaria! An if +Angelina ivver perswades me to buy another aw hooap they'll call me bull +pup for th' rest o' mi days!" + +He'd nearly getten hooam, when he coom to th' corner ov a small croft, +an as ther wor nubdy abaat he dropt it ovver th' wall; an mutterin +summat throo his teeth, an shakkin his fists, he went hooam, but net +i'th sweetest o' tempers. + +Angelina lukt him up an daan, an in a surprised voice axt, "Hasn't ta +browt it back?" + +"Browt it back! Browt what back? Does ta think awm daft?" + +"Why, then what's to be done? Ther's nowt to cook for thi drinkin!" + +"Drinkin! What's that to do wi it? Tha sewerly didn't think o' cookin--" + +"Aw thowt when tha fan aght th' mistak tha'd ha sent it back." + +"Mistak! What are ta drivin at? What wi th' bull pup an thee yu'll send +me wrang i' mi heead!" + +"Why, didn't ta know at tha'd taen th' wrang parcel? Tha tuk th' leg o' +lamb at th' butcher's lad had just browt, an left th' poor dog on th' +table!" + +"Th' deuce aw did? What's ta done wi it?" + +"Aw gave a man sixpence to tak it away. But whear's th' leg o' lamb?" + +"Hold on a minnit! It's nooan far off." + +An withaat another word he started off, an as luck let, it wor just +whear he dropt it. He oppened th' parcel to mak sewer it wor all reight, +an then he set off back. + +"Well, if onnybody had tell'd me at aw wor sich a fooil as net to be +able to tell th' difference between a leg o' lamb an a bull pup aw +wodn't ha believed em;--but th' best on us are fooils sometimes." + +"Here it is, Angelina,--cut off a steak or two an let's have summat to +get th' taste o' that bull pup aght o' mi maath! Awm sooary at tha's +lost thi pet, but tha munnot tak it too mich to heart." + +"Me! Net aw marry! Awm rare an fain its gooan for little dogs mak a deal +o' muck:--An somtime,--ther's noa knowin, ov coarse--but it may +be,--mind, nobbut say it may,--we may have summat else to nurse at'll +suit us better nor a bull pup." + + + + +Troubles and Trials. + + +Did it ivver occur to yo 'at if it wor as easy to shake off unpleasant +acquaintences as it is to shak a carpet, what a dust ther'd be i'th +world? + +It doesn't do to want to get rid ov a thing just becoss it isn't to yor +likin. Its advisable sometimes to have disagreeable things handy to give +a relish to what's moor appreciated, tho less sowt after. Ivverybody +will admit th' advantages ov gooid health, but nubdy can appreciate it +like one 'at's been sick. It's th' circumstances 'at surraand th' cases +'at accant for th' opinions we form. + +If rich fowk sympathised as mich wi poor fowk, as poor fowk envy rich +fowk, ther'd be noa poverty. We all know that. But then it's what will +nivver happen. + +A chap 'at's worried to deeath becoss his stocks or shares have dropt +fifty per cent connot enter into a poor woman's anxiety abaat flaar or +mait gooan up a penny a paand. What's nobbut an inconvenience to one is +starvation to another. + +Ther's a deeal o' difference between poetry an philosophy, an aw connot +help thinkin 'at if poor fowk had less poetry an moor philosophy, an +rich fowk had visa versa, we should get nearer level an all be better +for it. If we could nobbut get ovver that waikness ov worshipin a chap +for what he has raythur nor for what he is we could simplyfy th' social +problem. + + "Riches may depart, + Hopes dissolve in air, + But an honest heart + Still may laugh at care." + +But ther's monny an honest heart 'at hasn't getten a laff left in it. +They know bi bitter experience, 'at + + "The smiling lips decieve us, + With words that woo and win; + Our friends betray and leave us + When darker days begin." + +But haivver dark th' prospect may be he's a fooil 'at gives way to +despair. Haivver bad things are, they mud be war; an when a chap ends +his life to get rid ov his trubbles, th' chonces are at th' tide wor +just abaat to turn if he could nobbut ha had pluck to wait. + +Th' trubbles we have are seldom soa heavy 'at we connot bear em, tho it +may be hard wark, but when we're a bit cast daan, we dooant freeat hawf +as mich abaat what we have to put up wi, as to what's gooin to happen. +Imaginary evils are allus war to bide nor th' trubbles we railly have. + + "Let to-morrow take care of to-morrow, + Leave things of the future to fate, + What's the use to anticipate sorrow? + Life's troubles come never too late. + + If to hope over much be an error + 'Tis one that the wise have preferred + And how often have hearts been in terror + Of evils that never occurred?" + +Ther's summat for yo to think abaat, an let th' July sunshine enter into +yor hearts. It'll help to chase away th' claads o' care, an maybe, +buried hooaps may yet blossom into a harvest ov happiness an joy. + +Fortun, they say knocks once at ivvery man's door, but varry oft th' man +doesn't happen to be in, an i' that case he sends his dowter, but ther's +nubdy getten a welcome for Miss Fortun, but once shoo gets in, shoo's a +beggar to stick. Better try to mak friends wi th' old man. + + + + +Earnin' a Honest Penny. + + +Sarah's that agravatin' sometimes, wol aw feel as if it wod do me gooid +to hav a reight swear at her--an' aw should do it, if it wornt for th' +fact at awr Tom's wed a lass at has a uncle 'at's a deacon at a chapil, +an' when a chaps respectably connected like that, aw think its as weel +to be a bit careful ov his tawk. + +Nah aw'll gie yo a' instance, awd had a five bob bet on wi' a chap +called Uriah Lodge, it wor abaat hah mich a pig he wor baan to kill wod +weigh when it wor dressed, an' aw won. Uriah promised to pay mi o' Sundy +mornin', but insteead o' th' brass, ther coom'd a letter throo him to +say 'at he'd been havin' a tawk wi' a district visitor abaat it, an this +chap had soa convinced him o' th' evils o' bettin', 'at he'd decided at +he wodn't pay me, for if he did it wod do violence to his conshuns, but +if aw liked he'd send mi a fry o' pigs livver asteead. "Conshuns," aw +sed, "it's mooar like at it'll do violence to his britches pockets, aw +willn't have onny ov his muky pigs livver." + +"What's to do nah," Sarah axed. + +Soa aw tell'd her all abaat it, an ov cooarse aw expected at shoo'd side +wi' me,--but noa, shoo sed, + +"Awm sewer aw respect Uriah for th' cooarse he's pursuin', aw hooap +it'll be a lesson to yo--what wor yo baan to do wi' th' brass?" + +"Aw wor baan to buy a paand o' bacca wi' it," aw sed. Then shoo started +abaat bettin', an' horse racin', an' smookin', an' aw dooant know what +moor--yo'd a thowt aw wor th' warst chap i' all Maant Pleasant if yo'd +heeard her: an' shoo ended up wi' sayin' 'at shoo wished awd be a bit +mooar like a chap 'at lives next door to us called Martin Robertshaw. + +"He doesn't bet," shoo sed, "he doesn't smook, hes a daycent gradely lad +is Martin, he wor off at hawf past eight this mornin' daan to th' Sundy +Schooil--yo'll nivver catch him drinkin' at public haases an' bettin' +abaat deead pigs--his missis is a lucky woman if ivver ther wor one." + +Its noa use i' th' world tawkin' to Sarah when shoo gets reight on, soa +aw nivver spake a word wol shoo'd finished, an' then aw sed, + +"Have yo finished yor sarmon, missis?" + +"Yes," shoo went on, "it's noa gooid tawkin' to sich as yo, it's nobbut +wastin' breeath, yo'll goa yor own gate aw expect i' spite o' all aw can +say." + +"Well," says I, "it's hawf past twelve, lets have us dinners for awm dry +after this storm, an' as its a fine day we'll goa up to th' top o' +Beacon Hill for a walk an' see th' view o' th' taan." + +Soa we had us dinner an set off. + +Beacon Hill's weel known i' Halifax, it soars up at th' bottom o' th' +taan as bare an' bald as a duck egg; ther's norther a tree, nor a shrub, +an' aw dooant think thers a blade o' grass that even a moke wod ait, +unless it belanged to a Irishman an' wor hawf clammed. It lets th' east +wind on to th' taan throo a hoil at one end, an it keeps th' mornin' sun +off, an' hides th' evenin' mooin. It grows nowt nobbut stooans covered +wi' sooit, an' smook throo th' gas haase hangs ovver it all day long +like a claad. But up at th' top thers some stooan delves, an' a field or +two whear they say reeal grass grows, an' i' support o' this noashun +somdy's had th' cheek to turn hawf a dozen cows aght, an' let 'em +pretend to graze,--of cooarse its all mak believe, for they mun gie th' +poor brewts summat to ait beside, or else th' inspector for crewelty to +annimals wod have been daan on em befoor nah. + +It's a long gate up Beacon Hill--yo goa up New Bank an' ovver Godly +Brig, in between th' Bloody Field an' Saint Joseph's Schooil, an' then +reight up to th' top, an' if it wornt for th' fact at thears a gooid few +public haases o'th road aw dooant think 'at Sarah wod ivver have getten +to th' top at all; for shoo wor tuk bad wi' th' spasms jist at th' side +o' th' Pine Apple, an shoo had attacks ivvery few minnits wol we gate to +th' Albion, which is th' last licensed haase; but bi gooid luck they +didn't coom on after that, for as thers noawhear to get her onny thing +comfortin' if shoo'd been tuk agean, aw dooant know whativver aw should +ha done. + +Well, we gate to th' top at last, an' sat daan to luk at th' view. It's +reight grand, an them at hasn't seen it should goa bi all means at once. +Yo can see all ovver th' taan--monny a thaasand chimleys all smokin' at +once, an' scoars o' mill's, an' ivvery nah an' then when th' wind blows +th' reek away, yo can see th' Bastile as plain as owt. + +As we wor sittin' daan to rest we heeard sumdy tawkin' jist ovver th' +wall, soa we kept still a bit, an' varry sooin we heeard as mich cursin' +an' swearin' as owt to have filled a faandry for a wick. + +"Whativver is ther to do," sed Sarah, "lets have a luck?" + +We gate up, an' went an' luk'd throo a hoil i' th' wall, an' thear daan +in a bit ov a holler, soa 'at they couldn't be seen, wor abaat twenty +gurt strappin' young fellers tossin' coppers. + +We hadn't been lukkin' moor nor a minnit or two, when a man wi' a red +beeard coom runnin' daan th' hill an' stopt abaat ten yards throo whear +th' chaps wor laikin' at pitch an' toss, an' he started o' writin' +summat daan in a book. + +"Bobbies!" a chap shaated aght, an i' hawf a minnit ther wor nubdy to be +seen, nobbut th' new comer, for ivvery one on 'em had hooked it as fast +as if th' owd chap wor after 'em. + +Then th' feller sammed up th' coppers, an' coom'd reight to whear we +wor, an' climbed ovver th' wall. He wor laffin like owt. When he'd +getten on to th' side whear we wor, he luk'd a bit surprised to see us, +but he sed nowt--soa Sarah axd him if be wor a poleeceman, an' if he wor +baan to report 'em at th' Taans Hall? + +"Net aw," he sed, "awm noa bobby awm not, aw nobbut did it to flay 'em." + +"But yo gate ther brass," aw sed. + +"For sewer aw did," says he, "aw mak a day's wage at this trade ivvery +Sundy, it's th' best payin' professhun aght--aw gate seventeen pence +this mornin' at Ringby, an ther's eighteen pence here, that's three bob +nobbut a penny. Last Sundy aw addled three an' ninepence, at Siddal an' +Whitegate. Ther soa flayed if onnybody starts o' writin', 'at they hook +it like a express train, for they think yor takkin ther names daan." + +When he'd sed this he brust aght laffin agean, an' sed to me, "Dooant +yo' knaw me?" + +"Noa," aw sed, "but aw seem to knaw yor voice." + +Then he ax'd Sarah if shoo didn't knaw him nawther? + +"Aw've nivver clapt een on yo' befooar," Sarah sed. + +He laft as if he wor baan to split for a bit, an' then he sed, "Luk +here, but yo' munnot split," an' he pull'd off his gurt red beard, an' +awm blow'd if it worn't Martin Robertshaw, th' chap 'at lives next door +to us. + +Aw wor soa capt yo' could ha' shoov'd him ovver wi' yor little finger, +an' Sarah leaned up agean th' wall, an' aw thowt th' spasms wor comin' +on agean; but aw wor mista'an, for they didn't, at least not wol we gate +daan to th' Albion once mooar. + +"Aw promised my missis a sewin' machine," Martin went on, "an' as brass +is soa hard to addle just nah, aw've had to start i' this line, an' it +pays weel to, an' ther's noa danger abaat it. A chap has to put his hand +to owt nah days to earn a honest penny--aw doan't call it chaitin' to +ease sich as yond on ther brass. But aw mun be off, aw've to goa daan to +Shibden yet, an' bizness befoor pleashur's my motto. An' he run daan th' +hill callin' aght 'at we worn't to tell his missis 'at we'd seen him. + +"Nah then, lass," aw sed, "yo' wor sayin' a bit sin' 'at yo' wished aw +wor a bit mooar like yon chap,--what do yo' say nah?" + +"Well," Sarah sed, "aw willn't say at aw exactly approve ov his goins +on, but onnyhah, yo'll admit at he's gettin' th' brass for a gooid +purpose; aw tell'd yo' at his wife wor a lucky woman, an' aw stick to mi +words." + +"Then aw suppooas if awd sed aw wor baan to buy yo' a new bonnet wi' +Uriah Lodge's five bob, it 'ud hey been awl reet?" + +"Circumstances alters cases as th' sayin' says," Sarah went on, "but yo' +wor baan to spend it i' baccy, an' aw shall still stick to what aw sed +this morn, 'at bettin's reeal wicked; but coom on, for aw feel as if th' +spasms wor comin' on mi agean, awm awl ov a tremmel, an' tawkin maks mi +war." + +So we went daan to th' Albion, an' then hooam. + +We wor just gooin to bed that neet, when Missis Robertshaw coom in, to +ax Sarah to lend her a rubbin bottle. + +"Is somdy hurt?" Sarah ax'd. + +"It's Martin," shoo sed, "he wor gooin daan to Shibden this afternooin, +to visit one ov his Sundy skollards 'ats badly; an' he happened bi ill +luck to coom on a reg'lar lot o' idle young fellers at wor laikin at +pitch an' toss. Martin connot bide wickedness o' noa sooart, soa he +stopt to tell 'em hah sinful gamblin' wor, 'specially on a Sundy, an' +hah mich better for 'em it 'ud be, if they'd put ther hard-addled brass +into th' Savins Bank, but asteead o' takkin his gooid advice, they set +on him an' beat him black an blue, an' robbed him o' three bob 'at he +had in his pockit, 'at had been subscribed for th' missionarys at th' +Sundy skooil." + +"Is he mich war?" aw axed. + +"His Sundy coit's all tore to ribbons, an his ankles sprained; one o' +his front teeth is knocked clean aght, an' his watch is gooan. Aw shall +be only too thankful if he gets to his wark in a fortneet." + +"Hev yo' telled th' perleece?" Sarah sed. + +"Noa," shoo sed, "it wodn't be noa sooart o' use tellin' them chaps, +they're too lazy to do owt nobbut draw ther wage,--besides, Martin's +that forgivin', 'at he says he'd rayther suffer i' silence nor let +onnybody be punished on his accant--but aw mun be off." An' shoo went +aght wi' th' bottle. + +"Ther's a deal o' humbug i' this world," Sarah sed, when th' woman wor +gooan, "awm glad he's getten catched at last, aw mak nowt o' sich +decaitful fowk, robbin' poor people o' ther brass,--it's little enuff +'at we can finger honestly nah a days. Aw've been wantin a new bonnet +monny a week--Missis Lupton's getten one, an' shoo's getten a faal face +to put inside ov it two, an aw dooant like to be bet bi a woman like +that,--soa if yo' can get that five bob thro' Uriah, it'll come in +handy. Aw've sed times an times agean, 'at them Lodges wor th' nearest +fowk i' all Maant Pleasant, an' fowk owt to pay ther debts, whether it's +bettin or whether it isn't." + +"Aw'll see him to morn." + +"That's reight, lad, do, an' let's goa to bed nah, for we shall have a +rare gas nooat this quarter if we sit up like this." + + + + +Th' Next Mornin'. + + +Aw'll nivver get druffen noa mooar, + It's th' last time is this, an that's trew,-- +For mi booans is all shakkin an sooar, + Throo th' craan o' mi hat, to mi shoe. + +An mi skin, it's all cover'd wi' marks, + Some's blue, an some's black, an some's red; +Yo connot think ha mi heead warks, + An it feels just as heavy as lead. + +Aw connot tell ha' aw gate fresh, + For aw didn't sup ovver mich drink,-- +It's mi stummack 'at's weakly, aw guess, + It couldn't be nowt else aw' think, +For aw'd nobbut a gallon o' beer, + A couple o' whiskeys,--a rum,-- +Happen two--for awm net varry clear + Hah monny--aw knaw aw hed some. + +That's all, tho' aw'd happen a drop + Lat on, 'at aw knaw nowt abaat; +For th' lanlord he tell'd mi to stop, + When th' brass i' mi pocket runn'd aght, +Aw remember beein chuckt into th' street + At cloisin time, nothin noa mooar,-- +An mi mates set mi up o' mi feet, + An propt me agean a hasse door. + +All th' rest o' last neet is a blank, + Aw wonder who put mi to bed? +Awm sewer aw dooant knaw who to thank, + An aw connot reet think, for mi head-- +Besides aw feel terrible sick,-- + This drinkin, it isn't all bliss; +Aw expect aw'st be seedy a wick, + It's towt mi a lesson 'as this. + + + + +Christmas Oysters. + + +They tell me 'at in Orstralia they have Kursmas Day in th' middle o' +summer,--aw dooant knaw whether it's trew or net, for someha' them 'at's +been i' furrin pairts are varry mich addicted to th' practiss o' tellin +lies,--but if they hey ther Kursmiss i' summer, all aw con say is, 'at +it's a mistak; ov cooarse furriners can do as they like, but it allus +seems to me at th' best ov Kursmiss is at it cooms i'th middle o' winter +to cheer poor fowks' hearts when th' days is dark an gloomy. It's a +wonderful time is Kursmiss--all th' shops as ther winders dressed aght +wi' th' best things they hev, to mak a show, an gas leets shinin all up +an daan, an ther's geese an turkeys hangin up aghtside,--an yo' see +ivverybody lukkin as gooid humoured as if they'd getten some brass +gi'en. + +Aw know nowt mooar pleasant nor to goa throo th' markits on th' neet +befoor Kursmiss, an luk at th' stawls an th' smilin faces all up an +daan. + +Aw heeard a bit ov a stoary abaat Kursmiss a bit sin' 'at aw'll tell yo. + +Ther wor a young lad at Dewsbury an he wor varry fond o' gooid +aitin,--it's net a varry uncommon complaint amang lads,--but this chap +wor mooar nor usual fond o' gooid things, an if ivver he gate hold ov +onny brass, he allus used to spend it awther at a pie shop, or on fish +fried wi' chipt puttates, or some other daintes o' that sooart. + +It wor Kursmiss Eve last year, an he'd getten howd o' some copper bi +sweepin snaw off th' doorstuns for th' nabers, soa after he'd hed his +teah, he set off to fill hissen full o' summat tasty. + +"Aw'll ha' summat reeal gooid to-neet," he sed, "as it's Kursmiss time." + +He lukt into shops at tarts, an penny ducks, an blood puddins, an all +sooarts o' things; but he'd hed them all monny a time, an he wanted +summat fresh. + +At last he went into th' markit place, an after he'd luk'd raand, wi' +th' brass fair burnin a hoil in his pocket for want o' spendin, he coom +to a stawl whear a chap wor shaatin aght: + +"Hoisters! reeal natives! a penny apiece!" + +Nah he'd nivver tasted a hoister i' all his life, it wor summat new, soa +he went up to th' chap an axt for one. + +Th' man gate hold o' one an started o' oppenin it wi' his knife, but th' +lad sed-- + +"Howd on, aw say, that's a varry little en, aw want a reight daan big +un--th' biggest one yo' hev i'th place." + +"If yo' want a reight big un," th' man sed, "aw con sewt yo' up to th' +mark," an he went behund th' stawl, an in a hawf minnit he coom back wi' +one abaat as big as a pan lid. It wor oppened, an th' fish wor liggin on +th' shell i'th center, abaat three inches across. + +"Will this sewt yo'," he sed. + +"That'll do," th' lad sed, "aw like a fair sized un." + +He put some pepper an vinegar on it, an handed it to th' lad an sed, "Aw +dooant think yo' can manage it, sir." + +He nivver spake, but tuk th' shell in his hand, an oppen'd his maath an +sukt it in. He'd to try two or three times befoor it went daan his +throit, an it nearly choakt him, but at last it went. + +"Aw've done it," he sed wi' tears in his een, "Hah mich is ther to pay?" + +"Nah, aw willn't mak noa charge," th' man answered, "yo've done weel, aw +didn't think yo' could ha' managed it, ther's three fowk tried at that +hoister to-neet, an a dog beside, but it lickt 'em all." + +Th' lad turned away, an slipt behind a row o' stawls, an aw willn't say +onny mooar abaat what happened after. + + + + +Chairley's Coortin. + + +Chairley Dempster wor nobbut a little chap but he'd a varry big opinion +ov hissen. He'd consait enuff for hawf a duzzen. His mother wor a widdy +an he wor th' only child shoo'd ivver had an shoo set a deeal o' stoor +on him, an firmly believed at ther wornt another at wor fit to hold th' +cannel to him. + +Noa daat this accanted for him havin sich a gooid opinion ov hissen. +They wornt varry weel to do, for when her husband deed, he'd nowt he +could leeav her except th' bit o' furnitur an th' babby. + +Fowk thowt shoo'd be wed agean, but they wor mistaen. If it hadn't been +for havin Chairley happen shoo wod ha done, for shoo wor young an +strong, an varry gooidlukkin i'th bargain' an lots o' chaps wod ha thowt +thersen lucky if they could ha 'ticed her to buckle on wi 'em. But shoo +kept em all at a distance, an managed, wi weshin an cleeanin for fowk, +to mak as mich as kept her an her lad. + +Shoo spoilt him, as wor to be expected, an denied hersen lots o' things +shoo badly needed to keep him weel donned, an shoo wor nivver as praad +as when shoo heeard somdy say at he lukt 'like a little gentleman.' + +Shoo kept him at Schooil wol he wor fourteen, an he didn't shame his +taichers, an when he left he wor cliverer nor mooast lads ov his age. + +Dooant run away wi th' idea at he wor a fine young gentleman, for he wor +nobbut a country lad, for he'd been browt up in a country place amang +country fowk, but he wor one o'th better sooart, an amang th' naybors +wor considered a bit ov a swell. + +What trade to put him to bothered his mother aboon o' bit. Shoo could ha +liked to ha made him into a doctor or a parson, or shoo wodn't have +objected to startin him as th' president ov a bank, but sich things cost +brass an shoo wor varry poor. He could ha liked to ha been a sowger, but +he worn't big enuff, an sailerin didn't suit his stummack. At last he +had to be content to get into a grocer's shop as a lad abaat, and he wor +sixteen bi this time. + +Th' maister sooin tuk a fancy to him, for he worked hard an steady, an +befoor he'd been thear a month he wor put behind th' caanter to wait on +customers. His mother wor ovverjoyed at this, an altho shoo wornt one +o'th biggest or best customers, ther wor nubdy went ofter to th' shop. +If shoo nobbut wanted two articles shoo went twice for em, an shoo wor +nivver in a hurry to get sarved, for the biggest pleasur shoo'd ivver +known wor to watch Chairley deal aght punds o' sewgar an cakes o' sooap. + +But ther's noa pleasur i' this world at isn't mixt wi some pain, an it +wor soa i' her case. One day as shoo wor watchin him sarve a lass wi a +rasher o' bacon, an saw th' way he smiled at her an shoo tittered back +at him, struck her for th' furst time, at th' day might come when he'd +be somdy else's Chairley, an shoo'd hay to tak a back seeat. + +When shoo went hooam shoo could think abaat nowt else, an shoo set +studyin abaat it soa long, at when he coom hooam to his supper ther wor +nowt ready for him, an th' foir wor aght. + +"What's to do, mother?" he sed, "arn't yo weel or have yo nobbut just +getten hooam?" + +"A'a, lad," shoo sed,--lukkin raand suspiciously, as if shoo wor feeard +he'd browt some lass wi him,--"aw dooant know what's to do. Aw just set +me daan to think a bit at time's flown by withaat me nooaticin it. Has +ta come straight hooam?" + +"Hi,--aw allus coom straight hooam when mi wark's done." + +"An did ta coom bi thisen all th' way?" + +"Ov coorse aw coom bi misen. Did yo want me to fotch somdy wi mi?" + +"Nay, lad. Aw hooap that day's far distant when tha'll bring onnybody +here to tak thi mother's place. Who wor that forrad young thing at tha +wor sellin that rasher o' bacon to when aw wor i'th shop?" + +"Aw nobbut know her furst name. They call her Minnie, shoo's a sarvent +at that big haase at th' street corner." + +"Minnie, do they call her? aw think Ninny wod be a name to suit her +better. Aw nivver saw her befoor i' mi life, but shoo's noa gooid, aw +saw that as sooin as aw clapt mi een on her. Aw hooap tha'll mind what +tha'rt dooin an have noa truck wi sichlike." + +"Why, mother, aw've allus thowt her a varry gooid lass, an awm sewer +shoo's a bonny en." + +"That's just whear it is. They allus are bonny are sich like as her. But +next time shoo cooms into th' shop just order her off abaat her +business. An see at tha does as aw tell thi. Shoo can get what shoo +wants at another shop at's nearer their haase. Its nooan yor bacon shoo +wants;--its thee shoo's after, but tha'rt sich a ninnyhammer at tha +can't see it." + +"Yo must know, mother, 'at aw can't order her aght o'th shop. Awm sewer +shoo thinks nowt abaat me. Ther's nooan sich luck. Shoo's older nor me +bi ivver soa mich, an shoo could have onny chap i'th street if shoo'd to +put her finger up. Awm sewer aw dooant know what's put sich a nooation +into yor heead. But aw'll have mi supper if its ready." + +"Come thi ways;--awm sooary aw've kept thi waitin, but tuk it into thi. +Tha'll get moor gooid aght o' that nor sich as her. Ther owt to be a law +to punish sichlike." + +Chairley sed nowt noa moor, but he thowt a lot. To tell trewth, sich +thowts had nivver befoor entered into his heead. An if his mother had +nivver sed owt abaat it, it's possible they nivver wod. It wor Setterdy +neet, an as he wor anxious to be up i' gooid time at Sundy, he sed, +"Gooid neet," an went to bed. For th' furst time in his life he tossed +an roll'd abaat, an couldn't fall asleep. His mother had put that lass +into his heead an he couldn't get her aght. He'd allus thowt her a nice +lass, but he'd nivver known ha bonny shoo wor till then. + +"A'a!" he sighed, "awd goa throo foir an watter for sich a lass as her." + +An th' upshot on it wor, at when at last he did fall asleep, it wor to +dream at he'd wed an angel just like her, an he wakkened to find th' +bolster cuddled up in his arms. Sundy passed someway, but nawther +schooil nor sarmon did him onny gooid. Unconsciously he'd set up an idol +an wor worshippin it wi all th' strength ov his young heart. + +As he went to his wark next mornin, he happened to catch th' seet ov +hissen as he passed a shop winder, an for th' furst time he felt ha +little he wor. + +Ommost fust customer to enter th' shop wor Minnie. Shoo wanted a duzzen +fresh eggs. Chairley's face went as red as a pickled cabbage, an when he +went to get em his hands tremeled soa at he smashed two. + +"Oh, what a pity," sed Minnie. + +"Oh, net at all, awm quite used to it," he stammered. Then Minnie stared +at him an laft, an he tried to laff to, an one oth' shop lads gave a +guffaw an this soa nettled Chairley 'at he samd th' bag wi th' eggs in +an sent it flyin at his heead, an gave it sich a crack at th' bag wor +brussen, an th' eggs all smashed wor sylin daan throo his heead to his +feet, an just then th' maister walked in. + +Minnie stood stupified an Chairley seized his hat an ran aght at th' +back door. Wol th' lad wor splutterin an slobberin, an th' maister +doncin mad, Minnie slipt aght an bowt her eggs at another shop. But shoo +couldn't get Chairley aght of her mind. Shoo'd allus admired him, an +thowt what a gooid husband he'd mak for somdy when he gate a bit older; +an nah shoo saw as plainly as could be ha matters stood, an guessed as +near trewth as if Chairley had tell'd her all abaat it. + +It wor lat on ith' day when Chairley slunk into th' shop, an th' maister +mooationed for him to step into th' private office. What tuk place aw +dooan't exactly know, but when they coom aght Chairley lukt varry warm, +an th' maister had a grin on his face at wor a gooid sign. + +Three or four days passed, an Minnie nivver entered that shop. Chairley +tried to feel thankful, for he didn't know ha to face her, an yet he wor +miserable, for he felt as if he couldn't live withaat her. + +Just as he wor turnin th' corner oth' street on his way hooam,--it wor +ommost dark an he wor in a varry low kay;--a voice cloise to him sed, +"What's the price of fresh eggs to-day, Chairley?" + +Chairley felt like jumpin aght ov his skin, as he turned raand an saw +Minnie, laffin all ovver her face an lukkin moor bewitchinly bonny nor +ivver. + +"A'a, Minnie! Miss Minnie, aw meean;--Aw have to beg yo pardon. Aw'll +nivver do it agean as long as aw live. Will yo forgie me this time, an +coom to th' shop as usual?" + +"Has the shop-boy forgiven you?" + +"Aw care nowt abaat him." + +"But the master?" + +"Oh' he's all reight, but when aw gate to know who yo wor, they could ha +fell'd me wi a feather." + +Minnie had stept back into th' shadder oth' porch an wor sittin on th' +step. Chairley wor ith' shadder o'th' porch too. All wor varry quiet for +a long time an when th' mooin peept aght an sent a mild soft leet into +that same porch, it showed a couple sittin varry cloise together. + +When Chairley went hooam that neet, he wor th' mooast important chap, in +his own estimation, at lived i' that taan. His mother had been uneasy +for th' past few days, for shoo saw ther wor summat wrang, an shoo +nooaticed th' change in him as sooin as he went in. "Has things gooan +reight wi thi to-day, Chairley?" shoo ventured to ax him. + +"Nivver better, Mother;--Nivver better!" + +But shoo felt sewer ther wor summat undernaith, an shoo wor detarmined +to find it aght. Shoo knew at Chairley wodn't be at th' shop next +mornin, as it wor his day to goa seekin orders, soa shoo waited till +he'd getten off, an then shoo went to see his maister. + +"Come this way, Mrs. Dempster," he sed when he saw her, "what can we do +for you this morning?" + +"Aw wanted to spaik to yo if yo pleeas. Awd like to know if my son has +been havin onny trubble latly?" + +"Well, my dear Madam, troubles come to all on us at times. I dare say +Charley has had a little trouble,--just a minimum." + +"Aw mud ha known it! But if yond Minnie doesn't let my lad alooan aw'll +mak this taan too hot for her. Shoo owt to be smoored an all sichlike." + +"Excuse me, Mrs. Dempster, but if you are alluding to my niece Minnie, I +must ask you to speak with more respect, for she is as good as she is +good-looking, and that is saying a great deal." + +"Yo dooan't meean to say shoo's yor neese sewerly." + +"She is my niece and your boy's sweetheart. They were engaged last night +with my full consent, and a nice young couple they are. If all goes +well, they are to be married when Charley comes of age, and will then +succeed me in this business." + +"Laws-a-mercy on us! Well,--well. An a nice lass shoo is too," an off +shoo set to think things ovver agean. + +Shoo nivver agean interfered wi his coortin. They're wed nah. Shoo lives +wi em, but shoo can't understand why they allus laff if shoo sets em +fresh eggs for ther braikfast. + + + + +What a Gallus Button did. + + +One Friday neet last summer, ther wor a braik daan at th' shop 'at Dick +Taylor worked at, just befoor stoppin time, soa th' ovverlukker telled +him 'at it wor noa use his comin i'th mornin, as they wodn't be able to +start th' engine agean wol Mundy. + +Dick worn't sorry, for it wor fine weather, an' he thowt a day's +halliday ud be varry pleasant. When he gate hooam, he telled his missis +'at he wor baan to laik th' next day, an' shoo sed, + +"Naah, Dick, ther's a chonce for yo to pleeas me--yo know aw've axed yo +all th' summer to tak me raand to see th' parks i' Bradforth, for aw've +nivver seen one on em, exceptin Lister's, an' that's becoss it's soa +near--they tell me 'at th' flaars i' Peel's park, an' up at Horton, are +reeal beautiful." + +"We'll goa, Mary," Dick sed, "an' up to Bowlin Park too." + +Shoo gave him a kuss, an' gate him his teah, an' let him keep a shillin +aght o' his wage, to get some cigars wi' for him to smook when they wor +aght th' next day. After braikfast i'th mornin they set off. + +They lived near th' Stashun at Manningham, in a haase off Valley Road, +soa they cut across, an' ovver th' canal, an' up bi Spinkwell, into th' +main road for Peel Park. It wor varry hot, soa bi th' time they gate +into th' park, an' lukt at th' flaar beds daan bi th' lake, an' climbed +up on to th' terrace, they wor varry glad to sit daan on a seeat near to +whear th' band stand is. + +Ther's a grand view thro' thear, yo can see reight ovver Bradforth as +far as Lister's Milns, an' Queensbury--th' sun wor shinin, an' Dick wor +just leetin one o'th cigars when a young man abaat two or three an' +twenty coom daan th' walk, huggin' a basket--when he seed em he stopt, +an' sed:-- + +"Can yo give me a match, mate?" + +"Eah," Dick sed, "hear's a box, help thisen,"--when he'd leeted his +pipe, Mary sed, "This is a varry nice park, sir." + +"I," he answered, "an' it's a nice place for coortin in, on a neet when +th' band isn't playin--you cannot coom here ov a evenin withaat findin +abaat hawf a scooar o' cupples--yo see it's net too near th' taan, wol +it's nice an' quiet--but it's net too lonely nawther, a decent lass can +coom here wi' her sweetheart, an' nawther her mother nor nubdy else can +say owt agean it, for ther's allus somdy awther commin or gooin." + +"Yo seem to know it well?" Dick sed to th' young feller. + +He wor nobbut a ugly chap, but when Dick sed this, he smiled wol he wor +nearly nice lukkin, an' his een twinkled wi' fun, as he sed, + +"Aw should think aw do know it, an' aboon a bit too, why aw wor +rewinated net hawf a yard thro' whear yor missis is sittin." + +Mary jumped up as if th' seat wor baan to bite her, an' her nelly +tummeld reight thro' th' railin, an' ligged among th' shrubs on the +slope abaat ten feet below. + +When th' young feller seed that, he fair skriked aght wi' laffin, but +befoor Dick could do owt, he wor ovver th' railin, an had getten her +umberel up agean. + +"It wor a nelly tumblin daan like that at did for me," says he, "but aw +see yor maized, soa aw'll tell yo all abaat it;" soa he sat daan on th' +seat beside me, an' he began. + +"When aw furst coom a workin to Bradforth, abaat three year sin, aw +lodged wi' a young feller 'at lived i' Otley Road--we slept i'th same +room; an' one Sundy mornin as we wor dressin, aw sed to him, 'at aw wor +flayed aw should have to buy a new pair o' Sundy britches, for them aw +hed getten wor wore varry shabby. + +"'Aw'll sell yo a pair,' he sed; an' he pulled a pair aght ov a box, 'aw +bowt em off th' pegs, an' gave fifteen bob for em, noa mooar nor a year +sin--but aw nivver liked em--aw wor em when mi sister wor wed, an when +aw went to Blackpool for a wick last July, an' that's all, yo shall have +em for eight bob, an it's a bargain sich as yo willn't get ivvery day.' + +"They wor reeal smart traasers, an' to mak a long stooary short, aw bowt +em; an' that evenin, aw wor gooin aght a walkin wi' a lass 'at aw knew, +soa aw wore em to luk smart like. Aw wor thinner then than aw am nah, +for aw've filled aght a bit sin aw wor wed; but this chap 'at aw bowt em +off, wor hawf as fat agean as aw wor, a reglar porker, fit for killin; +an' when aw coom to put th' britches on, aw fun aght, 'at they wor ivver +soa mich to wide for me raand th' waist--that worn't th' warst o' it, +for aw fun aght also 'at fower aght o'th six gallus buttons wor off--but +aw hadn't time to sew onnymooar on, soa wi' a bit a bother aw made em +do. + +"Well, aw set off wi' th' new traasers on--it's trew 'at they wor +hitched up that high 'at aw worn't a bit comfortable, an' ther wor as +mich room in em as wod nearly have done for two like me, but as me tail +coit hid it aw didn't mind that, an' aw felt a reeal swell, aw can tell +yo, for they wor th' leetest coloured pair 'at ivver awd ivver had i' my +life. Amy wor waitin o' me, an' we walked daan here to Peel's Park, an' +sat on this varry seeat." + +"Awm gettin varry interested," Mary sed, when he stopt to leet his pipe +'at had gooan aght, "goa on wi' yor tale." + +He puffed away for a minnit, an then went on:--"Someha or other Amy's +nelly slipt in between th' railins like yor's did a bit sin, an aw wor +ovver th' fence after it like a shot,--but when aw wor climbin up agean, +my golly, if one o'th two remainin buttons didn't snap cleean off, aw +think th' thread mun ha' been as rotten as apples,--luckily aw wor just +on th' top o'th rail, or aw dooan't knaw what aw should ha done, but aw +managed to get on to th' seat, an thear aw sat." + +Mary an Dick booath started o' laffin, an Dick sed, "Well, an ha did yo' +goa on?" + +"It wor noa laffin matter for me aw con tell yo',--it wor summer time, +an not dark wol nearly ten o'clock, an it wor nobbut eight then. Amy +faand aght in a minnit 'at summat wor wrang, but shoo sed nowt, an aw +kept it quiet as long as aw could, wishin at th' sun 'ud luk sharp an +goa daan, but asteead o' that, it seemed to me 'at it wor gooin higher +up ivvery minnit. Soa when shoo'd sed at shoo wor chilly, an wanted to +walk a bit, abaat hawf a duzzen times, aw wor forced to tell her th' +truth. Aw expected shoo'd a made fun o' me, but shoo didn't; shoo lukked +reeal consarned abaat it, an sed shoo wor varry sorry for th' mishap, +but we'd stop whear we wor till it wor dark. Soa we sat thear for a bit, +an then shoo sed, + +"'It ud be a deeal better for yo if yo hed sumdy to luk after yor clooas +far yo.' + +"Mi mother lives up at Keighley," aw sed, "an it's soa far shoo connot, +an th' lanlady's hawf blind." + +"'Well,' Amy went on, 'but if yo'd hed a wife, shoo'd do all sich things +as that for yo.' + +"Someha' or other mi arm slipt raand her waist, an aw willn't tell yo' +noa mooar; long befoor th' sun hed set, an it went daan sooin enuff nah, +it wor all sattled." + +"'All's weel at ends weel,'" Dick sed. + +"Eeah," th' young feller sed, "but aw'll tak mi solem Alfred Davey 'at +when aw put them thear britches on, aw'd noa mooar thowts o' bein wed, +nor aw hed o' be in hang'd. Aw'd nobbut gooan aght walkin wi' Amy to +pass th' time away, as young fellers will do." + +"Awm sewer aw hooap shoo's made yo a gooid wife," sed Mary. + +"Nivver a chap hed a better wife i' all th' world nor aw hev," sed he, +"but yo' shall coom in an see her, we live i' them haases at th' end +o'th Corperashun Quarries daan thear. Coom on." + +Dick explained 'at they wor gooin to see th' other Parks, but he wodn't +ha' noa refusal. + +"Yo' con goa to-morn to Horton,--coom on, an me an Amy 'll goa wi' yo' +to Bowlin Park this afternooin, we've nivver been sin it wor oppened." + +He wor soa pressin 'at they went an hed ther drinkins wi him an Amy,--an +he show'd 'em th' britches 'at hed been the cause ov it all. They went +to Bowlin i'th afternooin, an sin' then they've oftens had a bit ov a +aght together. + + + + + + + + +End of Project Gutenberg's Yorkshire Tales. Third Series, by John Hartley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHIRE TALES. 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