diff options
| -rw-r--r-- | .gitattributes | 3 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 18175-8.txt | 11161 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 18175-8.zip | bin | 0 -> 224807 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 18175-h.zip | bin | 0 -> 232889 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | 18175-h/18175-h.htm | 14769 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 18175.txt | 11161 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | 18175.zip | bin | 0 -> 224787 bytes | |||
| -rw-r--r-- | LICENSE.txt | 11 | ||||
| -rw-r--r-- | README.md | 2 |
9 files changed, 37107 insertions, 0 deletions
diff --git a/.gitattributes b/.gitattributes new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6833f05 --- /dev/null +++ b/.gitattributes @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +* text=auto +*.txt text +*.md text diff --git a/18175-8.txt b/18175-8.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..26515bf --- /dev/null +++ b/18175-8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11161 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorksher Puddin', by John Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Yorksher Puddin' + A Collection of the Most Popular Dialect Stories from the + Pen of John Hartley + +Author: John Hartley + +Release Date: April 14, 2006 [EBook #18175] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHER PUDDIN' *** + + + + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + + + + + + + Yorksher Puddin' + + A collection of the most popular dialect stories + From the pen of John Hartley. Born 1839 Died 1915. + +Author of "Yorkshire ditties," "Clock Almanack," "Seets i' london," etc. + + + "This life, sae far's I understand, + is an enchanted fairy land, + where pleasure is the magic wand, that weilded right, + maks hours like minutes, hand in hand dance by fir' light." + _Burns._ + + +The Copyright of this Book is entirely the property of W. Nicholson and +Sons, and no one will be allowed to print any portion of it without +their permission. + + + + +Preface + +The numerous applications for the productions of Mr. Hartley's pen, the +majority of which have been out of print for many years, warrants us in +believing that this collection of Yorkshire Stories, will be welcomed to +a large circle of his admirers. + + +Dedication + +To my Dear Sister Hannah, to whose love and motherly care I owe more +than I can ever repay, I dedicate this little book as a token of sincere +affection. John Hartley Christmas 1876. + + + + +Contents + +Frozen to Death Or the Cottage on the Hill. +Pill Jim's Progress Wi' Johns Bunion. +Moravian Knight's Entertainment. +Sperrit Rappin. +Ther's a Mule I' th' Garden. +A Neet at "Widup's Rest." +Tinklin' Tom. +Th' New Schooil Booard. +Tha Caps me Nah! +Nay Fer Sewer! +Th' Battle o' Tawkin. +"Owd Tommy." (A Yorkshire Sketch.) +It Mud ha' been War. +Ha a Dead Donkey Towt a Lesson. +One, Two, Three. +Sammy Bewitched. +Hard to Pleeas. +Ratcatchin'. +Owd Moorcock. +Peace Makkin. +Awr Emma--A False Alarm. +Niver Judge by Appearances. +Mi First Testimonial. +Five Paand Nooat. +Silly Billy. +Put up wi' it. +A Queer Dream. +The Mystery of Burt's Babby +Mak th' best on't. +Mrs Spaiktruth's Pairty. +Why Tommy isn't a Deacon. +One Amang th' Rest. +What's yor Hurry? +Ha Owd Stooansnatch's Dowter gate Wed. +Th' New Railrooad. +Mose Hart's Twelvth Mess. +Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill Statty. +Owd Dawdles. +Property Huntin'. +Abraham's Sparrib. +A Run ovver th' Year. + + + + +Frozen to Death + +Or the Cottage on the Hill. + +A Christmas Story. + + +CHAPTER I. + +The last strain of the grand old Christmas hymn had just been warbled +forth from the throats and hearts of a number of happy folks, who were +seated around the blazing log one Christmas eve; and on the face of each +one of that family circle the cheering light revealed the look of +happiness; the young--happy in the present, and indulging in hopeful +anticipations for the future; the old,--equally happy as the young, and +revelling in many a darling memory of the past. + +"Come, Uncle John!" said a bright-eyed, flaxen-haired beauty, over whose +head not more than ten Christmas days had passed,--"Come, uncle, _do_ +tell us a story; you know that we always expect one from you." + +"Well, my pretty little niece," he replied, "I fear that I have +exhausted all my store of ghosts and hobgoblins, and if I tell you a +story now, it must be from the cold, stern world of fact, which, I fear, +will be less interesting to you than the romantic fictions I have +rehearsed on former occasions." + +"Oh dear, no! tell us a story, a true story--we shall be all the more +delighted to know that we are listening to an account of what has really +occurred. Do begin at once, please". + +Knocking the ashes from the bowl of his pipe, and having carefully +reared it against the hob, he commenced:-- + +"The factory bells had just ceased ringing, and the whistles had given +out their last shrieks, like the expiring yells of some agonized demon, +as the old church clock drowsily tolled the hour of six, on one of the +most miserable of December mornings. High on a bleak hill stood a little +whitewashed cottage, from the door of which issued two children, +apparently about ten years of age. As they stept into the cold morning +air they shuddered, and drew their scanty garments closer around them. + +"Nah, yo'll ha' to luk sharp! yond's th' last whew!--yo've nobbut +fifteen minutes," cried a voice from within. + +It was with great difficulty that the little couple succeeded in +reaching the high road, for the ground was covered with ice, on which a +continual sleet fell, and the wind, in fitful blasts, howled about them, +threatening at almost every step to overthrow them. But they had no time +to think of these things; slipping and running, giving each other all +the aid in their power, they pressed on in the direction of the +factory--the fear of being too late over-whelming every other +consideration. + +"Come on, Susy!" said the little lad, whom we should take to be the +older of the two. "Come on, we shall niver be thear i' time; come on! +stand up! tha hasn't hurt thi, has ta?" he said, as she fell for the +third time upon the slippery pavement. + +Tenderly he helped her to rise, but poor Susy had hurt herself, and +although she strove to keep back her tears and smother her sobs, Tom saw +that she had sustained a severe injury. + +"Whisht!" he said, "tha munnot cry; whear ar ta hurt? Come, lain o' me, +an' aw'l hug thi basket." + +"O, Tom, aw've hurt mi leg--aw cannot bide to goa any farther; tha'd +better leave me, for aw'm sure we'st be too lat." + +"Happen net--tha'll be better in a bit,--put thi arm raand mi shoulder, +tha'rt nobbut leet; aw could ommost hug thi if it worn't soa slippy. Sup +o' this tea, si thee, it's warm yet, an' then tha'll feel better: an' if +we are a bit too lat, aw should think they'll let us in this mornin'." + +Susy drank of the tea, and, revived by its warmth, she made another +attempt to pursue her way. But it was slow work; Tom did his best to +help her, and tried to cheer her as well as he could, though now an' +then a tear fell silently from his eyes, for his little fingers were +numbed with cold, and he felt the rain had already penetrated to his +skin, and the dreadful prospect of being late, and having to remain in +the cold for two hours, was in itself sufficient to strike dread into +the heart of one older and stronger than he. Even the watchman as he +passed, turned his light upon them for a moment, and sighed. It was no +business of his,--but under his waterproof cape there beat a father's +heart, and he murmured as he paced the solitary street, "Thank God, they +arn't mine." + +But we must leave them to pursue as best they can, their miserable way, +whilst we return to have a glance at the occupants of the cottage from +which we saw them start. It is a one storied building, with but one room +and a small out-kitchen; in one corner is a bed, on which is laid a +pale, emaciated young man, to all appearance not yet thirty years of +age: he is asleep, but from the quick short breath, it is not difficult +to infer that his best days are over. In another corner, a number of +boxes are arranged so as to extemporize a bed, now unoccupied, but from +which the two little factory-workers have but lately arisen. A jug of +herb tea is on the table. The fire is very low, and the light from it is +only sufficient to render all indistinctly visible. In a chair opposite +is a young woman with such a mournful, careworn face, that a glance +inspires you with sorrow; and from a bundle of clothes on her knee +issues the fretful wail of a restless child. The monotonous tick of an +old clock is the only sound, saving the longdrawn sigh of that young +mother, or the quick, hollow breathing of the sleeping man. Now and then +the wind whistles more shrilly through the crevices of the door, and the +rain beats with greater force against the little window. The mother +draws still nearer to the few red embers, and turns a timid glance to +the window and then to the bed: another sigh, and then the overburdened +heart overflows at her eyes, and the large bright drops fall quickly on +that dearly loved infant. + +The church clock chimes a quarter after six--this rouses the mother once +more to set aside her own griefs; the wind still howls, and the rain +beats with unabated fury against the glass: her thoughts are of those +little ones, and a tremor passes over her as she fears lest they should +be shut out. The man moves wearily in his bed, and opening his eyes, he +looks towards his wife. She is at his side in an instant. + +"Have they gooan, Bessy?" he asks. + +"Eea, they've gooan, an' aw hooap ther thear before nah." + +"It saands vary wild. We ne'er thowt it ud come to this twelve year sin, +Bess,--an' it's all along o' me!" + +"Nay, Jim, tha munnot say soa--tha knows we can nooan on us help bein +poorly sometimes, but when spring comes tha'll pick up thi crumbs agean, +an' things 'll be different." + +"That's true, lass,--aw feel that's true--things _will_ be different +when spring comes, an' afoor it comes, aw'm feeard. Has ta iver been i' +bed to-neet?" + +"Nay, aw couldn't come to bed, 'coss th' child wor cross, but aw've +slept a bit i' th' cheer: dooant thee bother, aw'l look after mi sen. +Will ta have a sup o' this teah?" + +"Whisht!" he said, "that's awr Susy callin, aw'm sure it is! Oppen th' +door!" + +She flew to oppen th' door, and the storm rushed in with fury; the snow +had begun to fall thickly: she strained her eyes and called, "Susy! +Susy!" but she heard no response: yet her heart misgave her, for the +thoughts of her darlings being exposed to such a storm made her shudder; +but necessity knows no law, and on the slender earnings of these two +children depended the subsistence of herself and husband. + +"Aw think tha wor mistakken, Jim: aw con see nowt," she said, as she +returned and closed the door. + +"Well, happen aw wor; but it's a sorry mornin to turn aght two little +lambs like them. Bessy," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper, "aw +know aw'm i'th' gate,--aw con do nowt but lig i' bed, an' aw know 'at +thee an' th' childer have to goa short mony a time for what aw get, but +it willn't be for long. Dooant rooar! tha knows it's summat 'at we've +nowt to do wi; an' tha heeard what th' parson said, 'Ther's One aboon at +'ll work all things together for gooid,' an' aw feel my time's commin' +varry near; but aw'm nooan freetened like aw used to be; aw think it's +gooin to be a change for th' better--an' He'll luk after thee an' th' +little ens." + +"O! Jim! tha munnot talk abaght leavin us yet; tha'll be better in a +bit." + +"Niver i' this world, Bessy! Come, put thi heead o' th' pillow here +beside me, aw think aw want to rest." + +She placed the little babe upon the coverlet, laid her head upon the +pillow, and worn out with watching, she wept herself asleep. + +The church clock had chimed the half-hour before Tom and his little +sister landed at the mill yard, and it was closed. The storm was still +raging, but to his repeated entreaties for admission the same answer was +returned, "Tha'rt too lat! tha connot come in afoor th' braikfast." +Experience had taught him how vain his endeavours would be to obtain +admission; and had it been himself alone that was shut out, he would +have gone quietly away and spent the time as best he might; but he felt +emboldened by the responsibility that was upon him on his sister's +account, and he redoubled his efforts, but the timekeeper was +inexorable:--"My orders iz, az nubdy mun come in after a quarter past, +an' if tha doesn't goa away aw'l warm thi Jacket for thi; tha should ha +come i' time same as other fowk." Poor Tom! there had still lingered +some little faith in the goodness of human nature in his breast, but as +he turned away, the last spark died out. To attempt to go home he knew +would be useless, and therefore he sought as the only alternative, some +place where he might find shelter. At a short distance from the gate, +but within the sound of the whirling wheels, he sat down with his +uncomplaining sister upon his knee. The snow began to fall gently at +first, and he watched it as the feathery flakes grew larger and larger. +He did not feel cold now; he wrapped his little scarf around his +sister's neck. The snow fell still thicker: he felt so weary, so very +weary; his little sister too had fallen asleep on his breast;--he laid +his head against the cold stone wall, and the snow still fell, so +softly, so very gently, that he dozed away and dreamed of sunny lands +where all was bright and warm: and in a short time the passer-by could +not have told that a brother and sister lay quietly slumbering there, +wrapped in their shroud of snow. + +The hum of wheels has ceased; the crowd of labourers hurry out to their +morning's meal; a few short minutes, and the discordant whistles again +shriek out their call to work. Tom and Susy, where are they? The gates +will soon be closed again! + +Well, let them close! other gates have opened for those little suffering +ones. The gates of pearl have swung upon their golden hinges; no harsh +voice of unkind taskmaster greets them on their entrance, but that +glorious welcome. + +"Come, ye blessed!" and their unloosed tongues join in the loud +"Hosannah." + +But those pearly gates are not for ever open. The time may come when +those shall stand before them unto whom the words, "Inasmuch as ye did +it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me," shall sound +the death-knell of all hopes throughout an inconceivable eternity. + + +CHAPTER II. + +It is night, and the wind is sighing itself away. The snow has ceased to +fall, and the moon looks down upon the hills in their spotless covering, +shedding her soft, mild light upon all. The little cottage on the hill +side would be imperceptible, were it not for the light that streams +through the window and the open door. The church clock has just struck +eight, and for nearly an hour a woman has stood looking towards the +town, her anxiety increasing every moment. She listens to the sound of +feet on the crisp snow--they come nearer--they are opposite the turn +that leads to the cottage: but they pass on. Again and again she +listens:--once or twice she fancies she sees two children in the +distance--but they come not. Passersby become less frequent; again the +church clock chimes, and all is still. Her husband and her babe are +asleep. Quickly putting on her bonnet and shawl, she runs to her nearest +rleighbour to ask if she will sit with them until she returns, for she +must go and learn how it is that her children have not come home. She +fears no denial, and she meets with none; as soon as she has stated her +case, the good woman replies, "Sit wi' 'em lass! aw'm sure aw will! an' +thee," she said, turning to her husband, "put on thi hat an' coit an' +goa wi' her." + +"O, they're nobbut laikin at snowball, or else slurrin a bit," he +said;--at the same time he put on his hat and coat, and showed as +much alacrity to join in the search as the mother herself. + +Owd Becca thrust into her capacious pocket a tea cake and two eggs, and +taking the teapot into which she put a good supply of tea, she prepared +for starting off; but suddenly recollecting herself, she returned and +called in loud tones to her daughter: "Sarah I get that sucking bottle, +an' fill it wi' milk for th' little en, an' nah, if yo two 'll nobbut +bring th' childer back, aw'l see 'at all gooas on reight at hooam." + +Bessy began to express her thanks, but Becca was determined not to hear +her, and drowned all she said in exhorting her husband to "luk sharp." +Bessy and Old Abe directed their steps to the factory, but often paused +to ask passers-by if they had seen the two lost ones, but as there had +so many children passed whose outward appearance corresponded with +theirs of whom they were in search, they thought it best to go at once +to the works and ascertain at what time they left. + +Bessy's heart misgave her as she knocked at the gatekeeper's house; an +indefinable dread came over her, and she scarce knew how to state her +case. Little did she think that within sound of her voice lay the dear +objects of her search; hundreds of feet had passed them during the day, +but none had disturbed them; the whistles had screamed for them in vain, +for they had gone to that lasting "rest prepared for the weary and heavy +laden." From the gatekeeper they learned that the two had arrived too +late in the morning and gone away somewhere, but had not returned or +been seen afterwards. Bessy stood transfixed for a moment, scarce +knowing what to do, but Old Abe could look at the case more calmly; and +taking hold of her hand, he led her gently away, and proceeded forthwith +to the police station, where he gave as full an account and as correct a +description of the missing ones as he was able. It took but a short time +to accomplish this much, but the journey homewards was not so speedily +performed. Every dark corner was explored, and every alley and by-lane +had to be traversed, and the morning was far advanced when they reached +home after their unsuccessful search. + +The husband and babe were still sleeping, for Becca had ministered to +all their wants. She had buoyed herself with the hope that they would be +successful: but when she saw them return alone, her spirits sank as low +as those of the mother, and although she was silent, yet the frequent +application of the apron to her eyes showed that she felt as a mother +for one so sorrowfully placed. + +Promising to "luk in i' th' morn'," they left the disconsolate Bessy +to her grief. + +Who shall attempt to describe the anguish of that bereaved parent? +Statuelike she sat, nursing a sorrow too deep for tears. Hours passed, +and the first faint streak of dawn found her still sitting, with her +eyes intently fixed on vacancy. Her husband's voice was the first thing +that roused her from the state of despondency into which she had sunk. +He spoke with difficulty, and his voice was feeble as a child's. +"Bessy," he gasped, "tha munnot leave me ony moor. It's drawin varry +near. Awr little Tom an' Susy have been here wol tha's been off; aw +heeard 'em calling for me, but aw could'nt goa until aw'd had a word wi' +thee. Aw'm feeard tha'll tak it hard, lass, but if tha finds tha cannot +bide it, ax th' parson to tell thee what he tell'd to me, an' it'll +comfort thee." Bessy was unable to reply. Sorrows had been heaped upon +her so heavily that her feelings were benumbed; she scarcely +comprehended what was said, but in the bitterness of her soul she fell +upon her knees and sobbed--"Lord, help me!" + +Her husband feebly took her hand and drew her towards him. "He will help +thee, lassie, niver fear. One kiss, Bessy; gooid bye! Tom! Susy!--It's +varry dark.--Aw think aw want to sleep."-- + + "And ere that hour departed. + All death reveals, he knew." + + +CHAPTER III. + +A change had taken place in the atmosphere since Bessy and Abe had +returned. Here and there green patches could be seen on the hill side, +and the distant town presented a view of smoke-blackened roofs that +shone, dripping with wet as the sickly' sun glanced over them. Little or +no snow was to be found in the streets, and all the hideous sights stood +out once more rejoicing in their naked deformities. + +The giant engine--the factory's heart--was ceasing to beat once more, in +order to allow the workers time to swallow the food necessary to enable +them to bear up until noon. The gates were opened, and the crowd swarmed +forth, but all seemed instinctively directed to a group at a short +distance, whose pallid faces reflected the ghastly sight before them. +The group soon swelled to a vast crowd. Enquiries were made on every +hand by those in the outer circle--"What is it? what is it?" "_Frozen +to death._" Tenderly those rough handed, rough-spoken men raised the +death-frozen little ones. Some there were who knew them and had heard of +their loss. It was to them an easy task to account for their deaths, and +curses low but deep were cast on them, at whose doors the blood of those +innocents must lie. + +The bodies were taken to the nearest inn to wait an inquest. Those in +authority were quickly on the alert; whilst some who were acquainted +with the parents prepared to carry them the sorrowful tidings.--Poor +Bessy! thy cup of bitterness is nearly full! + +Old Becca had come according to promise, and found Bessy laid partially +upon the bed in a swoon, her arm around the neck of him who had been her +faithful partner for a dozen years. She raised her, bathed her forehead, +and used all means in her power to promote her recovery. After a short +time she was successful; and having prepared the other bed and placed +Bessy upon it, she hastily left to get some assistance. + +The poor have but the poor on whom they can depend in an emergency; and +it is a blessing that the request for help to each other is rarely if +ever made in vain. + +She soon returned with plenty of willing hands--one took the babe, and +others remained to perform the last sad offices to the remains of him +who had gone "a little while before." Soon the men arrived with the +mournful account of the discovery of the children, but Bessy knew it +not. God had had compassion upon her, and to save her heart from +breaking, had thrown a cloud over her reason. + +Silently they stood for a moment in that house of death; and as they +turned to go, one after another placed what money each had, noiselessly +upon the table: the whole perhaps did not amount to much, but who shall +say that it was not a welcome loan to the Lord--an investment in heaven +that should in after time yield to them an interest outweighing the +wealth of the whole world? + +As the day advanced, numbers gathered round the inn where the coroner +and jury were assembled. The usual form of viewing the bodies was gone +through; and, with the exception of the girl's ancle, which was found to +be dislocated, there appeared nothing to account for death save exposure +to the cold. + +The coroner quickly summed up, and addressing the jury said--"he did not +see how they could bring in any other verdict than 'died from natural +causes.'" With one exception all acquiesced, and this one refused to +agree to such a verdict, saying that death had been caused by unnatural +causes! At last the verdict was altered to "Found frozen to death." To +this a juryman wished to add something about arbitrary laws and +inhumanity, but he was overruled. + +It needed nothing now but to put them in the earth, and cover them up. + +The following morning the whistles shrieked as fiercely, the wheels went +round as merrily as ever; two other children were in the places of the +lost ones, and it was as if they had never been. + +The day for the funeral arrived--the father and children were to be +interred together. There was a large gathering of sympathising friends. +Poor Bessy! had partially recovered, but seemed like one just waking +from a dream; the mournful cortege gained the church yard. The coffins +were slowly lowered into the grave. The grey-haired pastor's voice was +at times almost inaudible--every heart was touched, for all took the +case home to themselves, and asked the question, "How if they were +mine?" "Dust to dust, and ashes to ashes," and the ceremony was +completed. + +Few of them had failed to remark the presence of a strange mourner--one +whose dress bespoke him to be a gentleman; and as the widow turned to +leave the grave, he stept up to her and offered her his arm for support. +She took it mechanically, and wended her way to her desolate home. He +was the only one, with the exception of Old Becca, who entered with +Bessy. + +He looked around the forlorn room, gazing now here, now there, to hide +his emotion. He seemed about to speak when a knock at the door +interrupted him. + +Becca opened it, and returned with a letter stating that the bearer +required an answer. The stranger took it with an air of authority and +broke the seal; as he did so, a five pound note fluttered to the ground. +While he read the letter his eyes flashed with a strange fire, and his +quivering nostril showed the strength of the passion raging within. + +Turning to the boy, he thrust the letter into his hand, and bade him +pick up the note. "Take this answer to your master, boy," he said; "we +return the letter and his money with disdain, and tell him that Bessy +Green is not so desolate and friendless that she needs accept five +pounds as the price of two innocent lives. The debt is one that no man +can cancel: but the reckoning day is sure to come! tell him that, boy, +from the brother of Bessy Green, from the uncle of Tom and Susy." + +The boy hurried away with the message; and Bessy, who had been aroused +by the stranger's vehemence, at the word "brother," threw herself upon +his neck, crying--"It is George!" What follows is quickly told: Bessy's +grief was deep, and it took long long months before she was fitted to +engage in the ordinary occupations of life; but change of scene and +cheerful company, together with the daily expanding beauties of her only +child, partially healed her lacerated heart. Her generous brother, who +had returned from a distant land,--where fortune had smiled upon his +labours--took her to live with him, and adopted her child as his son. +Becca and Abe became also installed in the house as helpers; and now, +far away from the regions of factory whews, they are all living amicably +together. + +"That is my story for this; Christmas. How do you like it?" + +It is very sorrowful, uncle John, but we are much obliged to you for +telling it us, but it is surely wrong for children so young to be +compelled to go to work at such an early hour? + +"It may not be wrong to require them so to do, but it would at least +show a desire on the part of the employers to ameliorate the hardness of +their lot if, while endeavouring to enforce strict punctuality, they +would provide some shelter for those who, having come from a distance, +fail to arrive in time for admission." + +"Hark, the village Waits!" + + + + +Pill Jim's Progress Wi' Johns Bunion. + + +It wor a varry wild day when John set off to see Pill Jim, as he wor +called, but as it wor varry particklar business, he didn't let th' +weather stop him. + +Nah, Pill Jim wor a varry nooated chap i' some pairts o' Yorkshire. He +wor an old chap, an' lived in a little haase to hissen, an' gate a +livin' wi' quack-docterin' a bit; an' whativer anybody ailed, he'd some +pills at wor sure to cure 'em; soa, as John had been sufferin' a long' +time, he thought he'd goa an' have a bit o' tawk wi' him, an' see if he +could get any gooid done. + +It chonced, as luck let, at Jim wor at hooam, an' he invited him in, but +as he'd nobbut one cheer, John had to sit o'th' edge o'th' long table. + +"Well, John," he sed, "an' what's browt thee here this mornin'?" + +"Nay, nowt 'at means mich, Jim; but aw've heeard a gooid deal o' tawk +abaght thy pills, an' aw thowt they'd happen do me a bit o' gooid; but +aw wanted to have a bit o' tawk to thee th' first abaght it, for tha +knows one sooart o' physic doesn't do for iverybody." + +"Tha'rt just mistakken abaght that, John, for my pills cure owt; they're +oppenin' pills, an' although aw'm a chap 'at doesn't like to crack +abaght misen, aw con just tell thee a thing or two 'at'll mak thee +stare." + +"Well, that's what aw want, Jim, s'oa get on wi' thy tellin'." + +"Aw hardly know whear to begin, but, hasumiver, aw'll tell thee one +thing: ther's lots o' fowk livin' raand abaght here 'at's been oppen'd +by em, an' to some tune too; an' although aw consider physic an evil at +all times, still my pills must be regarded as a necessary evil. A chap +once coom to see me, an' browt a lot o' oysters, but he wor fast ha to +get into 'em; aw made noa moor to do but just put two or three pills +amang 'em, an' they wor oppen'd in a minit. He sed he'd niver seen sich +a thing afoor. An' if tha con keep a secret, aw'll tell thi summat else +but tha munnot split. One neet just at th' end o' last summer, a +queer-lukkin' chap coom an' sed he didn't feel vary weel, an' he'd come +to me becoss he didn't want tother doctors to know; soa aw axed him who +he wor. He didn't like to tell me for a bit, but at last he sed' he wor +th' Clerk o'th' Weather Office, an' he'd just getten a day off, bi th' +way ov a leetnin'.' 'Well,' aw says, 'aw'll gie yo a box o' pills, an' +yo mun tak two ivery neet.' He thanked me an' went away, an' aw've +niver seen a wink on him sin, but tha may be sure it's them pills 'at we +have to thank for sich a oppen winter as we've had, for as aw sed +befoor, they'll oppen owt." + +"Well, Jim, tha fair caps me! Aw wonder tha hasn't made a fortun befoor +nah! But aw dooant think aw want ony pills, tho' aw'm badly enough." + +"Why, what does ta ail? Has ta getten th' backwark, or th' heeadwark, or +does ta feel wamly sometimes an' cannot ait?" + +"Nawther, John; it's summat else nor that." + +"Why, is it summat 'at tha has o' thi mind!" + +"Noa, it isn't mi mind, it's mi understandin' 'at's 'sufferin'. Th' +fact is, Jim, aw'm troubled wi' a bunion." + +"Let's luk at it," says Jim, "ther's nowt easier to cure nor a bunion." + +John took off his shoe an' stockin', an' when Jim saw it he sed, "Oh, aw +see what it wants; it wants bringin' to a heead." + +"Well, aw think bi th' rate it's growin', it'll be a heead afoor long, +for it's as big as mi neive already." + +"Nah, aw'll tell thee what tha mun do. Tak five or six o' thease pills +ivery neet till tha feels a bit ov a difference, an' when tha gooas to +bed tha mun put thi fooit into a pooltice, an' tha'll find it'll get +better as it mends." + +"Well, aw think ther's some sense i' what tha says, soa aw think aw'll +try some; ha does ta sell 'em?" + +"If tha buys a box they're a penny, but they corne in cheaper to buy 'em +bi weight, an' as its thee aw'll let thi have a pund for a shillin'; if +it wor onybody else, they'd be sixteen pence." + +"Well, aw'll tak a pund, onyway. An' if aw can't tak 'em all misen, +they'll happen be useful to somdy else." + +"Tha mun tak 'em all thisen, an' then tha'll feel th' benefit on em," +sed Jim. + +"Well," sed John, when he'd getten 'em teed up in his hankerchy, "aw +wish yo gooid day, an aw'll come an' see yo in a bit to repoort +progress." + +John limped hooam as weel as he could, an' after puttin' th' pills into +a pint basin i'th' cubbard, he went to bed. His wife axed him what he +could like to his supper, but he sed he worn't particklar, soa shoo went +daanstairs, an' when shoo luk'd i'th' cubbard, shoo saw this basin o' +pills, but shoo thowt they wor pays; soa shoo gate a bit o' mutton an' +made a sup o' broth an' put 'em in; an' when they'd been boilin' awhile +shoo couldn't find 'em hardly. "Why," shoo sed, "aw niver saw sich pays +as theease i' all mi life; they've all boiled to smush." Shoo tuk him a +basinful upstairs, an' after a spooinful or two, he sed he thowt they +tasted rayther queer. "Oh! it's thi maath at's aght o' order, mun," +shoo sed; "get 'em into thee, they're sure to do thee gooid." + +John tew'd hard wi' 'em an' at last he finished 'em. "Niver buy ony moor +pays at that shop," he sed, "for aw'm sure they're nooan reight. + +"Aw didn't buy 'em," shoo sed, "they're what wor i'th' cubbard; aw thowt +tha'd put 'em thear thisen." + +When John heeard that, he knew in a minit what shoo'd done, an' he +stared at her. + +"What are ta staring at, wi' thi een an' thi maath wide oppen like +that?" sed his wife. + +"Tha'd ha' thi een an' thi maath oppen if tha'd swallowed what aw have," +he said, "for they'll oppen ewt." + +John gate up an' dressed an' went aght, an' as he didn't offer to come +back, his wife an' two or three ov his mates went to seek him; an' a few +yards off th' door they fan his clooas an' hat an' a pair o' booits, an' +in one o'th' booits they fan a bunion,--an' that wor all ther wor left +o' John. + +It wor rayther a awkard thing to swear to, but his wife sed shoo +couldn't be mistakken, for shoo knew it soa weel wol shoo'd be bun to be +able to pick it aght ov a looad o' new puttates. Ov cooarse, they'd a +inquest, but as ther wor noa evidence, an' sich a case had niver been +known befoor, they returned a oppen verdict. + +A few days after, as Pill Jim wor gooin' past th' church yard, he saw a +chap oppenin' a grave, an' axed him who he wor oppenin' it for; an' when +he heeard it wor for th' remains o' poor John, he muttered to hissen, +"Noa wonder! noa wonder! them pills, they'll oppen owt. Aw wor sure +they'd awther drive th' bunion away throo John, or John away throo th' +bunion, which wor for th' best aw connot tell; its an oppen question-- +them pills leeave ivery--thing oppen." + + + + +Moravian Knight's Entertainment. + + +If yo want to know owt abaght me, let me tell yo 'at they called mi +father Knight, an' when aw wor born he had me kursend Moravian; but noa +sooiner did aw begin to laik wi' th' lads abaght ner aw began to be +called Morry Neet. Soa mich abaght misen. + +Aw oft think 'at fowk mak a sad mistak, i' spendin all ther time +leearnin. Aw think if them 'at know soa mich had to spend part o' ther +time taichin other fowk what they know, th' world mud ha' fewer +philosophers, but it 'ud have fewer fooils. As that's my nooation, awve +detarmined to let yo know ha aw gate on th' furst time aw went to a +penny readin, an' may be somdy 'll leearn summat bi that. + +Awd seen a lot o' bills stuck up for mony a day, statin' at th' 16th +select penny readin' wor to tak place i'th' Jimmy Loin National Schooil, +an' aw thowt awd goa. Soa when th' neet coom aw went to th' door aw +clap daan mi penny like a mon, an' wor walkin in-- + +"Stop! Stop!" shaated aght th' brass takker, "Tha mun come back, tha's +nobbut gien me a penny." + +"Aw know aw've nobbut gien thee a penny," aw says; "Ha mich moor does ta +want? Its a penny readin, isn't it?" + +"Eea, its a penny readin, but its thrippince to goa in," he sed. + +"Well, if that's it," aw says, "here's tother tuppince, but awm blowed +if aw see it." But aw went in, an' a rare hoilful ther wor. In a bit +Alderman Nonowt wor vooated into th' cheer, an' then he made a speech-- + +"Ladies and Gentlemen--(then he coughed two or three times, an' supt o' +watter),--I can assure you 'at nothink gives me greater pleasure, or +greater enjoyment, or I might say greater satisfaction, (a varry deal o' +clappin i'th' front seeats--supt twice), when I look around me, ladies +and gentlemen, and see so many old and familiar faces that I have never +seen before, and when I see so many strangers that I have passed long +years of social intercourse amongst, I feel, ladies and gentlemen, I +feel moved, very much moved, and when I gaze again I begin to feel +removed. Our object which we have in view, in keeping agate of giving +these here readings, are to throw open the doors of knowledge, so that +all may come and drink from the inexhaustible bottle, so to speak, +ladies and gentleman, which says 'drink and thirst no more' (great +cheering--women wi' cleean pocket hankerchies blow ther nooases). These +meetings have also another himportant object, a nobject noble and great, +which is namely, to draw people out of the public houses, and create a +thirst in them for wisdom. How many men, after a hard day's work, go and +sit in the public house, or what is still worse, often spend their time +at some thripny concert room until nine or ten o'clock, whereas now they +can come here and sit until 10 or 11 o'clock, where they are not only +hentertained, but hedicated and hedified. With thease few remarks, I +call upon the first reader for a solo on the German concertina." + +An' it wor a solo! It reminded me o' being in a bazaar at Fair time, +an' abaght a thaasand childer blowin penny trumpets; an' he whewd his +arms abaght like a windmill; an' aw wor nooan sooary when he'd done. +But fowk clapt an' stamped wol he coom back agean; an' he bow'd an' sed +he'd give 'em an immitation o'th' backpipe, an' awve noa daat it wor +varry like it, for awm sure noa frontpipe iver made as faal a din. +After that th' cheerman made a few remarks an' sed, music had charms to +soothe the savage beast, an' he'd no doubt we all felt soothed with what +we had heard. He had now the pleasure to call for something of a more +elevating nature still. The next reading would be a comic song. "Up in +a balloon boys." + +Th' chap 'at gave that wor varry wise, for as sooin as he'd begun +singin' he shut his een an' niver oppened 'em agean till he'd done, an' +if he'd kept his maath shut aw should ha' been better suited still. Ov +coorse he wor honcored, an' he coom back an' sang "Be--e--eutifool oil +of the Se--e--e--he!" wol he fair fooamd at th' maath, but awl wave mi +opinion o' that. Then coom th' gem o'th' evening, an' th' chap wor a gem +'at sang it. Th' cheerman sed he was always proud to be able to sit an' +listen to such like, for it show'd what a deal better world ther might +be if we all did our best for one another. + +Th' peanner struck up, an' a chap in a big white hat an' longlapp'd coit +sang "What aw did for Hannah," an' afoor he'd finished aw thowt if he'd +done hauf as mich for Hannah as he'd done for us he owt to be shot. But +when a chap's i' favor he con do owt, an' when he'd done an' been called +back three times, th' cheerman sed it wor now his duty to introduce the +Rev'd Dowell to read a selection from Heenuck Harden. + +As sooin as he'd sed this ivery body began to walk aght, an' soa as aw +thowt they must be gooin into another raam to hear it, aw went aght too. +But when awd getten aghtside aw saw they wor all awther leetin ther +pipes or laikin at soddin one another. Aw axed one on 'em if it wor all +over. "Net it," he sed, "we've nobbut come aght wol yond dry old stick +has done talking. Th' best pairt o'th' entertainment has to come off +yet! Ther's three single step doncers gooin to contest for a copy ov +'Baxter's Saint's Rest,' bun up wi' gilt edges." + +When aw heeard that aw ihowt, well, awm nooa saint misel, but if awm a +sinner awl have a bit o' rest, whether it's Baxter's or net. Soa aw +walked quitely off hooam, thinkin ha thankful we owt to be at fowk 'll +labor as they do to improve an elevate poor workin' fowk. That wor th' +end o' my entertainment. + + + + +Sperrit Rappin. + + +Did yo iver goa to a sperrit rappin' doo? Aw did once, but aw can't say +it wor mich i' my line. + +It happen'd one Setterdy neet 'at aw'd been to have a pint at th' "Rompin +Kittlin," an' aw heeard some chaps say 'at ther wor baan to be a meetin +i'th' owd wayvin shop o'th' Sundy afternooin, an' iver so mony mediums wor +commin to tell all 'at wor gooin on i'th' tother world, soa as awd nowt +else to do, aw went, an' after a bit o' thrustin aw managed to get into a +front seat: but they wor varry particlar who they let in. As aw wor set, +waitin for th' performance to begin, aw thowt it luk'd varry mich like a +inquest, for ther wor one chap set o'th' end o't' table, an' six daan each +side; an' they wor a lot o'th' rummest lukkin fowk aw'd seen for a long +time. They all seem'd as if they wanted sendin aght to grass, for ther +faces wor th' color ov a lot o' tallow craps. In a bit they started, an' +we all sang a hymn, an' varry weel it wor sung too, considerin 'at that +radical gravestoan letterer joined in it; for if ther is ony body 'at can +throw a whole congregation aght o' tune, its owd Cinnamon, for he owt +niver to oppen his maath onywhear unless all th' fowk is booath deeaf an' +blind, for th' seet o' his chowl is enuff to drive all th' harmony aght ov +a meetin. Aw dar wager a trifle 'at he'd be able to spoil th' Jubilee. +But as aw wor sayin, we did varry weel considerin, an' then th' cheerman +gate up an' addressed a few words to us. He sed he'd noa daat 'at ther wor +a goaid many amang us 'at didn't believe i' sperrits, but he could assure +us 'at ther wor moor i' sperrits sometimes nor what we imagined. He sed he +knew one man 'at had been under th' influence ov a sperit, 'at went hooam +an' tell'd his wife sich things 'at made her hair stand ov an end, an' when +he gate up next mornin he knew nowt abaat it till he saw his wife wor i'th' +sulks, an' he ax'd her "what ther wor to do." "Ther's plenty to do, aw +think," shoo says; "ha can ta fashion to put thi heead aght o'th' door? +But tha can have yond nasty gooid-for-nawt as soain as tha likes, for awst +leeave thi if aw live wol awm an haar older! It's a bonny come off, 'at me +at's barn ommoss a duzzen children to thi should be shoved o' one side far +a thing like yond!" "Why, lass, aw doant know what tha'rt talking abaat," +he sed, "tell me what tha meeans!" "Aw've noa need to tell thi," shoo sed, +"tha knows weel enuff, an' aw believe ivery word 'at tha sed, for they say +'at druffen chaps an' childer allus spaik th' truth, an' awve suspicioned +yond Betty for a long time! What reight has shoo to be dawdlin abaat other +fowks husbands for? If shoo wants a felly, let her get one ov her own! +But tha may tak her an' welcome, an' mich gooid may shoo do thi, an' may yo +allus be as happy together as aw wish vo--an' noa happier! drot her!" +"Why, did aw say owt abaat Betty? Tha mun tak noa nooatice o' owt aw say +when aw come hooam throo a meetin, tha sees, sin aw wor made a medium, aw +ammot allus just i' mi reight senses, an' it isn't me 'at spaiks, it's +what's in me." "Eea, an' it wor what wor in thi 'at spaik last neet! +Tha's noa need to tell me 'at tha worn't i' thi reight wit, for tha hasn't +been that for a long time but aw can tell thi one thing--if tha'rt a +medium, awm net gooin to be made one! aw'll awther be one thing or tother, +soa if tha'd rayther have yond mucky trolly, tak her; an' may yo booath +have a seed i' yor tooith an' corns o' yor tooas, an' be fooarsed to walk +daan th' hill, all th' days o' yor lives; that's what aw wish." He talked +to her for a long time, but it wor noa use, for yo see shoo'd niver been +enlightened, an' all he could say didn't convince her 'at he worn't +answerable for all he'd sed an' done; but ov cooarse it's weel known 'at +mediums arn't responsible for owt. After a few moor remarks, an' relatin a +few moor incidents, he sed "it wor abaat time to begin the serious business +'at had called us together, an' he sed he hooap'd 'at if ony had came to +scoff, they'd remain to pay, for they wor sadly i' need o' funds, an' he +hooap'd 'at iverybody wod respond liberally, for sperits sich as they dealt +in could not be getten o' trust, although they had to be takken that way." +Then he knock'd th' table three times wi' his knuckles, an' two o'th' +fiddle-faced chaps 'at wor set one o' each side on him, began to wriggle +abaat as if they'd getten th' murly grubs. "Stop! stop!" he sed, "one at +once, if yo pleease! Brother Sawny had better give his sperit backward for +a few minutes, wol we've done wi' Brother Titus's." Soa Sawny gave ovver +shakkin hissen, exceptin his heead, an' jumpin onto his feet, he sed, "If +awve allus to give way to Titus, awm blow'd if awl come to edify yor lot +ony longer." "Husht, husht!" says th' cheerman, "the sperit has takken +possession o' Titus already. Will ony o'th' unbelievers ax it a few +questions?" Soa aw thowt aw mud as weel be forrad as onybody else, soa aw +stood up an' ax'd it furst-- + +"What did they use to call thi?" + +"Mary Jane Wittering." + +"Ha long is it since tha deed?" + +(Noa answer; soa th' cheerman sed it wor a varry frivolous an' improper +question, an' aw mud ax summat else.) + +"Wor ta iver wed?" + +"Nobbut three times." + +"Wor ta allus true to 'em when tha had 'em?" + +(No answer; th' cheerman shook his neive at me.) + +"Are they livin or deead?" + +"One's deead, one's livin, an' one's a medium." + +"Has ta met anybody tha knows up i' yor pairts?" + +"Monny a scoor." + +"Are they happy or miserable?" + +"Some one way an' some another." + +"Has ta seen onybody at's come latly?" + +"Nubdy but a chap they call 'Profit." + +"What did they call him 'Profit' for?" + +"Aw doant know, unless it's becoss he did soa weel aght o' collectin th' +rates afoor he coom here." + +"Is he happy?" + +"Nut exactly, he's undergooin his punishment, poor chap." + +"What is it?" + +"He's shut up i'th dark for as monny year as he's charged fowk for feet o' +gas 'at they've niver burned; an' bi what awve heeard some o'th older end +o'th sperits say, it seems varry likely 'at eternity will ha getten farish +in, befoor he sees leet agean." + +"Is he tormented wi' owt?" + +"Nowt but his conscience." + +"Ha's that?" + +"He hadn't one when he coom, soa he's had to tak one at's been left bi +somdy else, an' it pricks him sadly." + +"Then it seems his brass willn't save him?" + +"Noa, for yo know, 'Wi whatsoever metre yo measure, to yo it'll be measured +agean." + +"Is ther owt to ait an' drink i' yor quarter?" + +"Noa, they've shut all th' shops up, an' it's time they shut thine up, for +aw'm stall'd o' tawkin to thi?" + +Aw wor baan to ax him summat else, but he began to wriggle agean, an' th' +cheerman sed th' sperit wor takkin its departure, an' in a minute he +oppened his een, an luk'd raand as sackless as if he had nobbut just +wakken'd. "Nah, my dear friend," sed th' cheerman, turnin an' spaikin to +me, "aw hooap yo're satisfied. Does ta believe i' what this sperit has +communicated?" + +"Well," aw says, "to tell the th' truth, aw can't say 'at aw awther believe +in it or net, for aw've noa proof, but if aw sed owt aw should be inclined +to say 'net'--but still it saands varry likely what one might expect, an' +that's all aw can say abaat it at present." + +"Be sure tha comes to awr meetin next Sundy," he sed, "an' aw can see 'at +tha'll sooin be one on us." An' for that reason aw niver went agean, for +aw couldn't help thinkin 'at if aw wanted to be a medium for sperits, 'at +awd rayther get a owd licensed haase an' start reight. + +Wol this had been gooin on, awd heeard a chap an' his wife, 'at sat cloise +to me, talkin a gooid deal, an' aw varry sooin fan aght 'at shoo wor tryin +to mak him believe as mich i' sperits as shoo did, an' ivery time th' +medium answered one o' my questions shoo nudged him, an' sed "Does ta hear +that? Its ivery word as true as gospel? Does ta believe it nah?" After +shoo'd axed him two or three times, he sed, "Well, its varry wonderful, an' +aw do begin to think 'at there's summat in it." "A'a!" shoo sed, "aw knew +tha'd believe if aw could get thi to come." It wor Sawney's turn next to +be entranced, as they call it, an' as sooin as th' sperit had takken +possession on him (which seemed to be a varry hard task, an' aw dooant know +wether it went in at his maath or whear), this woman 'at set aside o' me +jumped up an' axed if shoo mud be allowed to put a few questions. + +Th' cheerman sed shoo mud an' welcome, soa shoo began-- + +"Ha old am aw?"--"Fifty-two." + +"Am aw married or single?"--"Married." + +"Ha monny childer have aw?"--"Four." + +"Nah," shoo says, turning to her husband, "isn't it true?" + +"Yos, its true enuff," he sed, "aw believe there's summat in it, but aw +should like to ax a question or two misen." + +"Why, jump up, then, an' luk sharp an' start," shoo sed. + +So he started-- + +"Ha old am aw?"--"Fifty-three." + +"Nah then! didn't aw tell thi! does ta believe it nah?" shoo sed. + +"Am aw married or single?"--"Married." + +"True agean, tha sees," sed his wife. + +"Ha monny childer have aw?"--"Two." + +"Two! Then if my wife's four whose, is tother two?" + +As sooin as shoo heeard that, an' befoor th' medium had time to spaik, shoo +seized hold ov her umbrella, an'lauped off her seat towards whear th' +medium wor set, an' aw fancy if th' umbrella nop had made acquaintance wi' +his heead i'th' way shoo'd intended, 'at it wodn't ha taen long to +untrance that chap. But th' cheerman saw her comin, an' managed to stop +it, but it wor noa easy job to quieten her. "A'a, tha lyin gooid-for- +nowt!" shoo sed, "has ta come here slanderin daycent wimmin? Aw defy +awther onybody i' this world or onybody i'th' tother to say owt agean my +karractur! Yor a lot o' himposters, ivery one on yo, that's what yo are! +Come on, Jim," shoo sed to her husband, as shoo seized hold ov his arm, +"let us goa, its nooan a fit place for gradely fowk." + +"Dooant be i' sich a hurry," he sed, "aw begin to think ther's summat +in it." + +"Summat in it! Has ta noa moor sense nor to believe in a lot o' lyin +vagabones like thease? Let's get hooam, they're nooan fit spots for +daycent fowk, an' aw hooap awst niver catch thi i' one agean! Come on!" + +"Why, tha browt me, didn't ta? an' tha seemd to believe in it." + +"Eea, aw believed' em soa long as aw knew what they tell'd me wor true, but +as sooin as they start lyin, aw can't believe 'em then; but aw wish awd +hold o' that chap's toppin, an' awd shake th' truth aght on him, or else +awd rive his heead off--nasty low-lived sneak as he is! But come on +hooam, an if tha waits wol aw bring thi agean, tha'll wait wol tha'rt a +thaasand year old, an moor ner that." + +They went aght, an in a bit quietness wor restored. + +After a few moor remarks, th' cheerman sed 'at it wor too far on i'th' day +for ony moor sperits to be sent for, for th' mediums had another meeting to +attend that neet, soa he read aght another hymn, an' we tried to sing it to +th' tune ov "Sweet spirit, hear mi prayer," but we couldn't, for Cinnamon +wor too mich for us all--he wor a deal better brayer nor prayer, an' after +one or two moor tries, th' cheerman sed "'at unless that gentleman (lukkin +at Cinnamon) wod awther swallow a scaarin--stooan an' a pund o' sweet sooap +to clear his voice, or else keep his maath shut, we should have to leave +singin aght o'th' question altogether." But Cinnamon worn't to be put +daan; an' he tell'd th' cheerman 'at if he didn't know what singin wor he +did, an' when he wor in Horstraly (A voice--"What does ta know abaat +Horstraly, tupheead, tha niver went noa farther ner Burtonheead i' all thi +life"). This ryled Cim, an' he up wi' a stooil an' whew'd it slap at th' +cheerman. Aw saw ther wor likely to be a row, for whativer other sperit +wor thear, aw could see plain enuff 'at th' sperit o' mischief wor i' some +on 'em, soa aw crept up beside th' door an' pop'd aght, an' left 'em +to settle it as they could. + +Aw met Cinnamon th' next mornin, an' aw saw 'at he'd a gurt plaister ov +his nooas, an' aw couldn't help thinkin what a blessin it wod ha been to +some fowk if it had been stuck ovver his maath asteead. + + + + +Ther's a Mule I' th' Garden. + + +(This expression is one that I have often heard used in Yorkshire to +some unpleasantness being afoot.) + +A Christmas Story. + +Hark thi lass, what a wind! it's a long time sin we had sich a storm. +Folk ought to be thankful 'at's getten a warm hearthstooan to put ther +feet on, sich weather as this:--unless it alters it'll be a dree +Kursmiss-day. If ony poor body has to cross this moor to neet, they'll +be lost, as sure as sure con be. + +It's a fearful neet reight enuff, lad, an' it maks me creep cloiser to +th' range,--but it's th' sooart o' weather we mun expect at this time o' +th' year. It's a rare gooid job tha gate them peats in, for we stand i' +need ov a bit o' fire nah. Does ta mean to sit up all th' neet same as +usual? + +Eea, aw think ther's nowt like keep in up th' owd customs, an' we've +niver missed watchin Kursmiss in sin we wor wed, an' that'll be nearly +forty year sin; weant it? Shift that canel, sithee' ha it sweals! +Does'nt to think tha'd better ligg summat to th' dooar bottom? Hark thi +what a wind! Aw niver heeard th' likes; it maks th' winders fair gender +agean. Soa, soa; lend me owd o' that pooaker, aw shall niver be able to +taich thee ha to mend a fire aw do think. Tha should never bray it in +at th' top;--use it kindly mun, tha'll find it'll thrive better; it's +th' same wi' a fire as it is wi' a child--if you're allus brayin' at it +you'll mak it a sad un at th' last, an' niver get nowt but black luks. +But its net mich use talkin' to thee aw con see, for tha'rt ommost +asleep; aw believe if th' thack ud to be blown off tha couldn't keep thi +e'en oppen after ten o'clock; but use is second natur ommost, an' aw +feel rayther sleepy mysen, aw allus do when ther's a wind." + + * * * * * * * + +In two or three minutes they wor booath hard asleep, but they had't to +sleep long, for ther coom a knock at th' door laad enuff to wakken deeaf +Debra (an shoo couldn't hear thunner). Th' owd man started up an flew +to oppen th' door, an' in stawped a walkin' snow-drift. + +"Aw wish yo a merry Kursmiss," he said. + +"Thank thi lad; come a bit nearer th' leet. If tha's browt noa better +luk nor tha's browt weather, tha'd better ha stopped at hooam. Who art +ta?" + +"Well, its a bonny come off," said th' chap, "when my own uncle connot +own me." + +"Its nooan Ezra, is it?" said th' owd woman. + +"That's my name, aw believe, aunt," he said. + +"Waw, do come an' sit thi daan. Set that kettle on lad, and mak him a +drop o' summat warm; he'll do wi' it." + +It worn't long afoor th' new comer wor sat i'th' front o'th' fire, +smookin' a long pipe an' weetin' his whistle ivery nah an then wi' a +drop o' whiskey an' watter. + +"Nah lad," said th' owd man, "what news has ta browt? Tha's generally +summut new." + +"Aw've nowt mich uts likely to be fresh, aw dooant think," said Ezra. +"Yo'd hear tell abaght that do o' Slinger's aw reckon?" + +"Niver a word, lad; what's th' chuffin heead been doin?" + +"Well, aw'd better start at th' beginnin' o' my tale, an' as it's +rayther a longish en, you mun draw up to th' fire and mak up yor mind to +harken a bit." + +"Yo happen niver knew Molly Momooin? Shoo lived at Coldedge, an' used +to keep one o' them sooart o' spots known i' thease pairts as a whist +shop; yo'll know what that is? Shoo worn't a bad-like woman, +considerin' her age (for shoo wor aboon fifty, an' had been a widdy for +a dozen year), an iver sin her felly deed, shoo'd sell'd small drink +o'th sly (they dooant think its wrang up i' them pairts), an ther wor at +said it wor nooan of a bad sooart, tho shoo used to booast at ther wor +niver a chap gate druffen i' her haas, tho ther'd been one or two +brussen. Like monny a widdy beside, at's getten a bit o' brass +together, shoo wor pestered wi' chaps at wanted to hing ther hats up, an +put ther feet o' th' hearthstooan, an' call thersen th' maister o' what +they'd niver helped to haddle. But shoo wornt a waik-minded en, wornt +Molly:--an shoo tell'd em all at th' chap at gate her ud have to have a +willin' hand as well as a warm heart, for shoo'd enuff to do to keep +hersen, withaat workin' her fingers to th' booan for a lump o' lumber +ith' nook. + +Soa one after another they all left off botherin' her except one, an +that wor Jim o' long Joan's, throo Wadsworth, an he seemed detarmined to +get her to change her mind if he could. As sooin as iver shoo oppened +th' shuts in a mornin', he used to laumer in an' call for a quart (that +cost him three-awpence, an used to fit him varry weel woll nooin). +Well, things nother seemed to get farther nor nearer, for a long time, +but one day summat happened at made a change ith' matter. It wor just +abaght th' time at th' new police wor put on, an Slinger wor made into +one. Nah Slinger thowt he ought to be made into a sargent, an he said +"he wor determined to extinguish hissen i' sich a way woll they couldn't +be off promotionin' him, an if they didn't he'd nobscond." Soa th' +furst thing he did wor to goa an ligg information agen owd Molly sellin' +ale baght license. Th' excise chaps sooin had him an two or three moor +off to cop th' owd lass ith' act, for they said, "unless they could see +it thersen they could mak nowt aght." It wor a varry nice day, an' off +they set o' ther eearand. + +Nah it just soa happened at Jim o' long Joans (they used to call him +Jimmy-long for short), wor lukin' aght oth' winder, an' saw em comin'; +ther wor noabody ith' haas drinkin' but hissen, soa emptyin' his quart +daan th' sink, he tell'd Molly to be aware, for ther wor mischief +brewin'; an then he bob'd under th' seat. In abaght a minit three on em +coom in,--not i' ther blue clooas an silver buttons, but i' ther reglar +warty duds. + +"Nah, owd lass," said one, "let's have hauf-a-gallon o' stiff-shackle, +an luk sharp." + +"What do yo want, maister? I think yo've come to th' rang haase; do yo +tak this to be a jerry-hoil; or ha?" said Molly. (They'd ta'en care to +leave Slinger aghtside, cos they knew he'd be owned.) + +"Nay, nah come," they said, "its all reight mun, here's th' brass, +sithee, fotch a soop up, for we're all three as dry as a assmidden." + +"Why, if yo are reight dry," shoo says (an bith' mass they wor, for +they'd been walkin' a bit o' ther best), "ther's lots o' watter ith' pot +under th' table, but be as careful as yo con, for it bides a deal o' +fotchin'--but aw wodn't advise yo to fill yor bellies o' cold watter +when yo're sweatin', its nooan a gooid thing mun. Have yo come fur? Yo +luk as if yo'd been runnin' aght oth' gate o' summut, but aw hope yo've +been i' noa sooart o' mischief: hasumever, sit yo daan an cooil a bit." + +They set em daan, for they wor fessened what to do, an at last one on +em whispered, "aw believe Slinger's been havin' us on, seekin' th' +fiddle, but if he has, we'll repoort him an get him discharged like a +shot." + +"Why," said another, "ha is it he isn't here? Where's he gooan?" + +"He's hid hissen ith' pigcoit just aghtside. Aw expect he'll be ommost +stoled o' waitin' bi this, but let him wait, he desarves it for bringin' +folk o' sich eearands as theease, We'st nobbut get laft at when we get +back, soa what think yo if we goa an say nowt abaght it? He'll nooan +stop long aw'll warrant." + +"Well, nowt but reight," they said; soa biddin' th' owd woman gooid day, +they set off back. When they went aght, Jimmy crope throo under th' +langsettle, an' lukin' at Molly, he said, "Nah, have aw done thi a gooid +turn this time owd craytur?" + +"Tha has, Jim, an aw'm varry mich obleeged to thi, lad," shoo says, "an +tha shall have another quart at my expense." + +"Net yet, thank thi, Molly. Aw havn't done wi this--ther's a bit ov a +spree to be had aght on it yet mun, aw heeard ivery word at they said, +an what does ta think! They've left Slinger ith' pigcoit waitin', an aw +meean to keep him theear for a bit." Soa sayin,' he quietly crept aght, +an went raand to th' back o' th' pigcoit. + +"Slinger! are ta thear?" + +"All reight, lad; have yo fun ought?" + +"Nut yet, but we're just gooin to do; tha munnat stir, whativer tha +does. Its a rare do is this. It'll be th' makin' on us, mun." + +"Does ta think we shall get made into sargents?" axed Slinger. + +"I lad, an corporals too, aw'll be bun; but bowd thi whisht, whatever +tha does--we'll come for thi as sooin as we want thi; does ta think tha +could sup a drop o' summat if tha had it?" + +"Aw wish aw'd chonce, that's all.'" + +"Well, bide thi time, an aw'll send thi some." + +Jim then walked away, an leavin' Slinger screwed up like a dishclaat, he +went into th' haase, and call'd for a quart. + +"Well, what's come o' Slinger?" said Molly. + +"Oh, he's all reight--he's gooin through his degrees to get made into a +sargent or a corporal or some other sort ov a ral, but aw'll bet he'll +wish it wor his funeral afoor aw've done wi' him." + +Jimmy sat comfortably suppin' his stiffshackle an smokin' a bit o' +bacca, an tried by all th' means in his power to wheedle th' owd woman +into his way o' thinkin'. + +"Tha mud do wor nor ha' me mun" he said, "aw'm nut ovver handsome aw +know, but ther's nowt abaght me to flay onybody." + +"Ther'll nubby be freetened o' thee lad, tha need'nt think," shoo says, +"for tha reminds me ov a walkin' cloaas peg--if tha'd been split a bit +heigher up tha'd ha' done for a pair o' cart shafts." + +"Well tha knows beauty's i'th eye o'th beholder," says Jim. + +"They'd be able to put all thy beauty i' ther e'e an see noa war for +it," shoo says. + +"Well, aw'm willin' to work an keep thi a lady as far as th' brass 'll +gaa." + +"What mack ov a lady aw should like to know? Th' same as aw am nah aw +reckon, up to th' elbows i' soap suds. But once for all aw want thi to +understand at aw'm nooan i'th weddin' vein at present." + +"Well tha'rt a hard-hearted woman, that's what tha art--an nooan as +gooid ith' bottom as tha mud be, or else tha'd niver live here chaitin' +th' excise for a livin', astead o' being th' wife ov a daycent chap. Aw +ommost wish aw'd letten them chaps catch thi; it ud nobbut ha sarved thi +reight." + +"Sarved me reight, wod it? Well tha con goa an fotch Slinger aght o' +th' pigcoit (for aw reckon he's thear yet), but ha mich better ar ta, at +sits thear suppin' it? But whether aw'm as gooid as aw should be or +net, aw'm sure tha'rt a gooid-for-nowt, an th' sooiner tha taks thi hook +aght o' this haase an' th' better, for aw've studden thy nonsense woll +aw'm fair staled. Are ta baan? For if tha doesn't tha'll get this +poaker abaght thi heead." + +"Nay! Nay! tha doesn't mean it?" said Jim, jumpin' aght o'th gate, "tha +wodn't hurt me surelee?" + +"Hurt thi! drabbit thi up, tha's spun me to th' length--ger aght o' that +door." + +Jimmy kept backin' aght step by step, an' Molly wor flourishin' th' +poaker, but nother on em saw at th' peggy-tub wor fair i'th gate woll +Jim backed slap into it. Splash went th' watter o' ivery side, an' +Molly skriked, "A'a dear! sarved thi reight, as if tha could'nt see a +whole tub! What are ta splashin' like that for?" + +But poor Jimmy couldn't spaik, for he wor wedged as fast as a thief in a +miln, an' nowt but his legs an' his arms could be seen. Molly catched +howd on his legs an' tried to pool him aght, but th' heigher shoo lifted +his feet an' th' lower sank his heead, soa ther wor noa way to do but to +roll it over an' teem him aght. + +"This beats all," says Molly, as shoo helped him up, "couldn't ta see +it?" + +"Does ta think aw've a e'e i' th' back o' my heead?" he said, "it's all +long o' thee, an' dang it that watters whoot." + +"It's like to be whoot," shoo says, "did ta iver know folk wesh i' cold +watter, tha lumphead?" + +"Well, what shall aw have to do? Aw'm as weet as a sop, to say nowt ov a +blister or two. + +"Tha mun goa thi ways to bed an' throw thi clooas daan th' stairs an, +aw'll see if aw connot dry 'em off for thi." + +Soa up stairs he went an' flang his weet things daan, sayin' at th' same +time, "If tha finds any buttons off tha can suit thisen whether tha puts +'em on or net." + +"Aw've summat else to do nor sew for thee, tha's made we wark enuff," +shoo said. + +It did'nt tak long for Molly to dry th' cloas an' shoo raylee felt +sooary for him after all, soa shoo set too an' stitched him a button or +two on, an' as shoo said, "mensened him up a bit for he wor somebody's +poor lad." + +He wor sooin drest nice an' comfortable agean an' then he thowt it wor +time to goa an' see what had come o' Slinger. + +As sooin as he coom near th' coit he could hear him snoaring away ommost +as laad as a trombone. "Well tha'rt a bonny en" he said "to be paid +aght o'th rates for keeping a sharp luk aght. Aw did think to bring thi +summat to sup but its a pity to disturb thi. Aw'll try another dodge an +see ha' that'll act." + +Away he went an' in a minit or two coom back wi a huggin o' strea, an' +quietly oppenin th' door he shoved it in,--he then walked off mutterin +"tha'll be capp'd when tha wackens owd lad." + +As th' day began to grow shorter a few owd faces began to peep in to see +ha Molly wor gettin on an' to taste ov her drink. When ther'd getten +abaght a hauf a duzzen on em Jim slipped aght an' sammed up all he +could find i'th' shape o' buckets an' had em filled wi watter an' not o' +th' cleanest sooart,--then he lit a wisp o' strea just aghtside o'th' +pighoil door an' waited wall th' smook had begun to curl nicely up:-- +then he darted into th' haase an' bawled aght "Heigh lads! do come,-- +somdy's set th' pighoil o' fire." + +Aght they flew an' sure enuff thear it wor reekin away' like a brick +kiln. + +"Sleck th' inside first," says Jim, an' in a twinklin one pailful after +another wor splashed in. Slinger sooin wacken'd but he wor fast what to +mak on it,--he thowt he must be dreamin ov a storm at sea or summat. + +"Howd on! Howd on!" he yell'd aght "what have yo agate?" + +"Do luk sharp lads," says Jim, "ther's somdy inside they'll be burnt to +th' deeath. Bring some watter some on yo." + +"Ther is noan," they says, "its all done." + +"Why mucky watter 'll sleck as weel as clean, give us howd of a pailful +o' swill. We munnot have th' poor body burnt to th' deeath." + +Just as Slinger was rushin aght o'th' door he gate a reglar dooas 'at +ommost floor'd him. + +"Nah lads, lets stop a bit, says Jim, aw think th' dangers ommost +ovver,--lets see who this chap is. It's happen somdy at wanted to burn +owd Molly aght o' haase an' harbor." + +Slinger brast aght o'th' door like a roarin lion,--but he wor sooin +collard, an' he wor soa bedisend with soft cake an' puttaty pillins at +his own mother could'nt ha owned him. + +"Dooant yo know who aw am," he sputtered aght, "Awm Slinger, yo know +me." + +"Bith mass it is Slinger," said Jim,--"its noabdy else," whativer has ta +been dooin to get into a mess like this? Tha may thank thy stars tha +worn't burnt to th' deeath." + +"Well aw dooant know 'at it means mich whether a chap's burnt or draand, +but awther on 'em befoor being smoord,--did iver ony body see sich a +seet as aw am?" + +"Why tha luks like a sheep heead wi brain sauce tem'd over it, said +one." + +"He needn't carry a scent bottle wi' him, they'll be able to smell him +withaat," said another. + +"Ha shall aw have to get clean," says Slinger. "Aw can't goa hooam this +pictur?" + +"Tha'll have to get sombdy to scrape thi daan, unless tha thinks tha's +getten enuff o'th' scrape tha'rt in already;--but aw think tha'd better +goa hooam to th' wife an' tell her tha's comed." + +"He's noa need to do that, if shoo's ought of a nooas sho'll find it +aght. + +"Well if this is what comes o' being a bobby aw'll drop it, but for +gooidness sake lads, niver split for aw'st niver hear th' last o' this +do." + +At last they persuaded Slinger to goa hooam. What he said to th' wife +or what shoo said to him folk niver knew, but certain it is 'at shoo +went an' left him an' lived wi her mother for aboon a wick at after. + +When he turned aght next mornin to goa see th' superintendent, he luked +like a gate-post 'at's studden in a rookery for six months. He'd to +wait a bit afoor he could see him, but when he did he said "Maister!" +aw've comed to get turned off for awm sick o' this job--no moor +cunstublin for me, aw've had enuff." + +"Why my good man," he said, "what's up? Have yo dropt in for summat yo +dooant like?" + +"Aw have,--an' summat's been dropt onto me at aw dooant like, an aw've +made up my mind to throw up th' drumsticks an' tak to honest hard wark +for a livin." + +"Well young man, yo seem dissatisfied, but yo should remember 'at we're +like soldiers in a war, we're feightin agean things 'at isn't reight, +its nut allus straight forrard, it seems yors has'nt been this time, but +its one o'th chances o' war' at yo mun expect." + +"It may be a chance o' war, but it'll be a chance o' better afoor yo +catch me at it agean, so gooid mornin." + +When he'd getten into th' street he langed to goa up to owd Molly's +agean, but thowts o'th' neet afoor kept him back, and varry weel it wor +soa, for Jim o' Long wor dooin his best to flay th' owd woman woll +shoo'd be glad to have him and shut up th' wisht shop,--an' be shot he +managed, for shoo promised shoo'd wed him in a month, an' shoo wor as +gooid as her word. + +Jimmy settled daan to his cobblin (for he reckoned to do a bit at that +when he did ought), an' he worked away varry weel for a bit, an' Molly +took a pride i'th' garden aghtside an' th' haase inside, an' they were +varry comfortable. But ther wor just an odd booan somewhear abaght Jim +'at did'nt like wark, an' aw think it must 'ha' been a wopper, for it +used to stop all t'other ivery nah and then for two or three days +together. He liked to goa an' sit i'th' beershop opposite, an' have a +pint or two, an' Molly knew it wor her bit o' brass at wor gooin, for +shoo said "he hardly haddled as mich sometimes as he cost i' wax." + +One day he'd been rayther longer nor usual, an' shoo wor just ready for +him. + +"Aw thowt tha used to tell me at it wornt th' ale tha wanted, it wor me; +but na it is'nt me ta wants, it's the ale." + +"Why, woll a chap lives he con alter his mind, connot he?" said Jim. + +"Oh! soa tha's altered thi mind, has ta? Tha's noa need to tell me that, +aw can see it, an' aw've altered mine too, an' aw've a gooid mind to +pail my heead agean th' jawm when aw think on it." + +"Why, lass, it's a pity to spoil a gooid mind, but aw'st advise thi to +tak thi cap off for fear o' crushin it." + +"An' if aw did crush it, whose brass wor it at bought it, aw should like +to know? Tha's taen moor brass across th' rooad this wick nor what ud ha +bought booath a cap an a bonnet, an' tha'rt staring across nah as if tha +langed to be gooin agean. What are ta starin at?" + +"Nay nowt, but aw think ther's a mule i'th' garden," said Jim. + +"He'd hardly getten th' words aght ov his maath, when Molly seizes th' +besom, an' flies aght, saying, "It's just what yo mun expect when folk +come hooam hauf druffen, an' leeav th' gate oppen." + +"Whativer has th' owd craytur up," says Jim. "Shoo surely doesn't think +aw mean ther wor a mule i'th' garden? Aw nobbut meant ther wor a bit ov +a row i'th' hoil; but aw'll niver be trusted if shoo is'nt lukkin under +th' rhubub leaves, as if shoo thowt a mule could get thear, but shoo'll +be war mad at ther isn't one nor what shoo wod ha been if shoo'd fun +hauf a duzzen." + +Molly coom back in a awful temper. "Soa tha thowt tha couldn't do enuff +to aggravate me but tha mun mak a fooil on me?" + +"Why, wornt ther one?" + +"Noa, ther worn't, an' tha knew that." + +"Ther wor summat 'at luk'd as faal as one, daatless, when tha wor +thear." + +"Come, tha's noa room to talk. Aw think aw'm as handsom as thee, ony +end up. Folk may weel wonder what aw could see i' thee, and aw niver +should ha had thee if aw had'nt been varry cloise seeted." + +"Tha'rt booath cloise seeted and cloise fisted, aw think, and if tha wor +cloiser maathed sometimes ther'd be less din." + +"Thear tha goaas agean. Aw've spakken, have aw. Aw'll tell thi what +it is, tha can't bide to be tell'd o' thi faults, but aw'm nooan gooin +to be muzzled to suit thee." + +"Why, lass, it isn't oft tha oppens thi maath for nowt, tha generally +lets summat aght." + +"Well, an' when tha oppens thine, tha generally lets summat in, soa +we're abaght straight." + +"Aw wish we wor, lass, for aw'm stoled o' this bother, an' if ther isn't +a mule i'th' garden nah, ther's summat else, for if that isn't Slinger, +aw wor niver soa capt i' my life. Why, he looks as fat as a pig. Oppen +th' door, an' ax him in, for it's th' first time aw've seen him sin he'd +his heead in a pooltice." + +"Gooid day, Slinger; ha ta gettin on?" + +"Oh, meeterly just. Aw thowt a callin when aw went past afoor, but ther +wor sich a din, aw thowt ther mud be a mule i' th'"-- + +"What does ta say," says Molly. "Has ta come here to taunt me? "Aw've +been tell'd abaght that mule afoor this afternooin." + +"Molly," said Jim, "tha caps me. Doesn't ta know what folk mean when +they say there's a mule i' th' garden? They mean there's a bit of a +dust i' th' hoil, that's all mun." + +"Oh! is that it!" says Molly. "Aw see nah. Yo know aw'm to be excused +if aw dooant understand iverything, for aw'm not mich of a scholard; +ther worn't schooils like there is nah when aw wor a lass; but aw'd a +brother once 'at wor as cliver as onybody--he used to be able to rule +th' planets; but he wor draaned at last, an' aw declare aw've niver been +able to bide th' seet o' watter sin'. Aw believe that wor what made me +start o' brewin." + +"Why yo happen have a sup left, said Slinger?" + +"Ea lad, ther's some i' that pewter sithee--tak howd an sup." + +"Thank thi' "he said, an' here's wishing at ther may niver be a 'mule i' +th' garden' but what 'll be as easy getten shut on as this has been this +afternooin." + +"Gooid lad Slinger! Tha talks like a book. Aw believe if tha'd had a +better bringin up tha'd ha' made a philosipher says Molly." + +"Tha had a fancy once to be a police ossifer hadn't ta said Jim? But aw +think tha's getten that nooation purged aght on thi nah?" + +"Well, aw gate it swill'd aght on me ony way. But aw think some times' +at it towt me a bit o' sense, an' whoiver he is 'at wants to raise +hissen up, by poolin somdy else daan, aw hope he'll get sarved ith' same +way; for when a chap shuts his een to ivery body's interests but his own +he desarves to be dropt on--but if we'd all to strive to lend one +another a hand, things ud go on a deal smoother, an' as nooan on us is +perfect, we ought to try by kindness an' gooid natur an by practisin a +bit o' patience to mak one another's rooad as pleasant as we con, an if +we stuck to that we should find fewer mules i' th' garden." + + * * * * * * * + +"O! an' soa that's th' tale abaght Slinger, is it Ezra?" + +"That's it uncle, its done nah." + +"Its abaght time it wor, an' th' next time tha comes here an' brings a +tale wi' thi mak it hauf as long an' it'll be twice as welcome." + + + + +A Neet at "Widup's Rest." + + +We've mooast on us, at one 'time or another, accidentally dropt amang +company withaat havin ony idea o' spendin mich time wi' em, an' yet +we've kept stoppin an' stoppin, feelin as happy as con be, an' niver +thinkin for a minit what a blowin-up we should get when we landed hooam. +An' aw've mony a time thowt 'at a body enjoys a bit ov a doo o' that +sooart a deal better nor a grand set affair, becoss when a body expects +nowt it's hardly likely he'll be disappointed. Well, it wor one day last +winter 'at aw'd walked monny a weary mile, an' it wor commin dark, when +aw called at "Widdup's Rest," to see if aw could get owt to comfort me +old inside, for aw wor feelin varry wamley. As sooin as th' lonlady saw +me shoo ax'd me to step forrads into another raam, which aw did, an' fan +a few chaps set raand a fire fit to rooast a bull, an' lukkin varry +jolly. As sooin as they saw me they made raam for me at th' hob end, +an' began talkin to me as friendly as if they'd known me all ther life. +Aw sooin began to feel varry mich at hooam wi' em, an' as th' lonlady +browt in some basins o' hot stew 'at shoo wodn't be paid for, (an old +trick to get fowk to spend twice as mich another rooad) an' as another +chap wod pay for all we had to sup an' smook, aw thowt aw mud ha gone +farther an' fared worse. It worn't long befoor some moor coom droppin +in (ha that happens aw dooant know, but aw darsay you'll ha nooaticed it +monny a time yorsen, 'at if ther's owt stirrin 'at's cheap ther's allus +a certain class o' fowk 'at drop in accidentally). + +After a bit, we mustered a varry nice pairty ov abaat a dozen, an' as +iverybody wor tawkin at once we managed to mak a fairish din. But at +last one o'th' chaps proposed 'at we should have a cheerman, an' see if +we couldn't conduct business in a moor sensible manner. Ivery body sed, +"hear, hear!" an' ov cooarse th' chap 'at wor standin sam wor voated in, +which seemed to give him mich satisfaction, an aw couldn't help thinking +'at he worn't th' furst chap 'at had getten put i' sich a position for +his brass an' net his brains. + +After "order" had been called two or three times bi every body i'th' +place, th' cheerman stood up an' sed, "Gentlemen, aw feel varry praad to +okkipy this cheer, an' aw'll do mi best to discharge the duties that +disolves upon me at this important crikus, an' aw think if ony body +wants to order owt they'd better do it at once, soas we shalln't have +ony interruptions." We all shaated, "hear, hear!" agean, an' th' +lonlady wor i'th' raam befoor we'd time to ring th' bell. When we'd all +getten supplied th' cheerman stood up agean, an' knockin th' table wi' a +empty ale bottle, sed, "silence!" + +We ivery one shaated "silence!" an' luk'd daggers at one another for +makkin sich a din, an' then he went on to say, "Gentlemen, as aw'm a +stranger amang yo, ov coorse aw dooant know mich abaat yo, but aw should +be varry mich pleeased if one on yo wod oblige bi singing a song." + +"Nah ther's a chonce for thee, Cocky," sed one. + +"Tha knows aw connot sing," sed Cocky, "aw think Ike ud do better nor +me." + +"Nay, aw can sing nooan," sed Ike, "aw niver sang owt i' mi life but' +Rock-a-boo-babby,' an' it's soa long sin aw've forgetten that, but +ther's old Mosslump thear, happen he'll give us one, we all know he can +sing." "Dooant thee pitch onto me," sed Mosslump, "it'll be time enuf +for thee to start o' orderin when we mak thi into th' cheerman, what +can't yo start wi' Standhen for, we know he can sing?" + +"O, Standhen!" they sed, "we'd forgetten Standhen! He can give us a owd +Tory touch we know." + +Up jumpt th' cheerman, an befoor Standhen had time to spaik he called +aght, "Mr. Standhen! We're all waitin for thy song, an as cheerman o' +this assembly aw expect thee to do what tha con to entertain this +compny, or otherwise aw shall vacate this cheer." + +As all th' glasses wor beginnin to get low, they felt this to be an +appeal to ther inmost sowl, soa they all began, perswadin Standhen, an' +after a deeal to do he promised to try. "Aw know awst braik daan befoor +aw start," he sed. "Nay, tha'll have to start furst," sed one, "but +we'll excuse thi if tha does; if tha tries it'll show willin." After +coughin once an' suppin twice, he shut his e'en an' oppened his maath, +an' this is what coom aght:-- + + Thou grand old Church of England! + Though others raise their voice, + And try to stain thy spotless name, + Thou still shall be my choice; + Just as thou art, I love thee thus, + And freely I confess, + I'd have thee not one jot the more, + Nor yet one tittle less. + + Those who would rob thee of thy rights, + And urge with specious tongue, + That theft by Act of Parliament + Can surely not be wrong. + I'd have them leave thy sheltering wing, + And nevermore to dare + To stand within thy courts of praise, + Or taint thy house of prayer. + + Oh! dear old Church of England, + That points the way to Heaven! + Amid a sad, sad world of sin + The truly, only leaven. + We leave thee to our Father's care, + Who knows thy needs the best, + Convinced that He, by aid of thee, + Will leaven all the rest. + +When he'd finished they all knocked ther glasses on th' table bi way ov +applaudin, which th' lonlady hearin, at once coom in an' ax'd if they +wor "callin?" an' as all wor empty, shoo luk'd varry hard at th' +cheerman, an' he nodded "as befoor," soa shoo gethered up th' empties, +an' called for Liza "to bring in them glasses," which wor at once done, +an' showd a gooid deal o' foreseet on her part i' havin 'em ready. + +When all had getten sarved wi' hot watter, an' given ovver crushin +sugar, th' cheerman announced 'at it wor Mr. Standhen's call, soa up +jumped Standhen, an' said "he couldn't do better nor call owd Mosslump +for a song." Some moor applause followed this, but they didn't knock +th' tables wi' ther glasses this time, becoss they wor too full. +Mosslump stood up, wiped his maath wi' th' corners ov his necktie, +turned up his e'en as if he wor gooin to depart this life i' peace, an' +in a voice, time, an' manner peculiarly his own he sung-- + + Mistress Moore is Johnny's wife, + An' Johnny is a druffen sot; + He spends th' best portion ov his life + I'th beershop wi' a pipe an' pot. + At schooil together John an' me + Set side by side like trusty chums, + An' niver did we disagree + Till furst we met sweet Lizzy Lumbs. + At John shoo smiled, + An' aw wor riled; + Shoo showed shoo loved him moor nor me + Her bonny e'en + Aw've seldom seen + Sin' that sad day shoo slighted me. + + Aw've heeard fowk say shoo has to want, + For Johnny ofttimes gets o'th spree; + He spends his wages in a rant, + An' leeaves his wife to pine or dee. + An' monny a time aw've ligged i' bed, + An' cursed my fate for bein poor, + An' monny a bitter tear aw've shed, + When thinkin ov sweet Mistress Moore. + For shoo's mi life + Is Johnny's wife, + An' tho' to love her isn't reet, + What con aw do, + When all th' neet throo + Aw'm dreeamin ov her e'en soa breet. + + Aw'll goa away an' leeave this spot, + For fear 'at we should iver meet, + For if we did, as sure as shot + Awst throw me daan anent her feet. + Aw know shoo'd think aw wor a fooil, + To love a woman when shoo's wed, + But sin' aw saw her furst at schooil, + It's been a wretched life aw've led. + But th' time has come + To leeave mi hooam, + An' th' sea between us sooin shall roar, + Yet still mi heart + Will niver part + Wi' th' image ov sweet Mistress Moore. + +Long befoor he'd done th' chaps had begun tawkin, some abaat politics an +some abaat Knursticks, an' when he sat daan th' cheerman wor th' only +quiet chap i' th' lot, an' he wor ommost asleep; but Mosslump comforted +hissen wi' whisperin to me 'at classical mewsic wor varry little thowt +on, an' after a sigh, a sup, a shake ov his head, an' another leet for +his pipe, he sat daan evidently detarmined not to be suited wi' owt i' +th' singin way that neet. After th' cheerman had wakken'd up, two or +three called for "Cocky," an' this time he gate up withaat ony excuses, +an' although he did rock backards an' forrads like a clock pendlum th' +wrang end up, yet aw must say he entered life an' soul into what he had +to do, an' in a voice 'at seemed three times too big for the size ov his +carcass he sang-- + + Lord John and John Lord were both born on a day, + But their fortunes were different quite; + Lord John was decked out in most gorgeous array, + As soon as he first saw the light. + But poor Johnny Lord, it's true on my word, + He'd no clothes to step into at all; + He'd no flannel to wrap, he'd no nightgown or cap, + But was rolled in his poor mother's shawl. + Now, it seems very strange, yet it's true what I say + And I hope you're not doubting my word; + And I'll tell what took place in a general way, + With Lord John and with poor Johnny Lord + + The nurse took Lord John, and the doctors stood round, + And examined the child and his clothes; + Whilst a fussy physician, with looks most profound, + Wiped his aristocratical nose. + "It is, I declare, most uncommonly fair, + And its voice, oh! how sweet when it cries; + It really would seem like the child of a dream, + Or an angel just dropt from the skies." + Now, it seems very strange, &c. + + Now, poor Johnny Lord and his mother were laid, + Both fainting and cold on the straw; + No doctors would come there unless they were paid, + Or compelled to be there by the law. + No comforting word heard poor Mistress Lord, + As o'er her babe bending she sat, + And each one who saw it cried with one accord, + "What a little detestable brat." + Now, it seems very strange, &c. + + The two babes became men as the years rolled away. + And Lord John sported carriage and pair, + Whilst poor Johnny Lord working hard for poor pay, + Was content with what fell to his share. + Lord John went to races, to balls and to routs, + And squandered his wealth with the gay, + Till at last came the reaper, and sought them both out, + And took Lord John and John Lord away. + Now, it seems very strange, &c. + + Very soon a grand monument stood o'er Lord John, + To show where the great man was laid, + But over John Lord was no mark and no stone, + It was left as when left by the spade. + But the time yet shall come when John Lord and Lord John + Shall meet in the realms far away, + When the riches and titles of earth are all gone, + Then which will be greatest, friends, say? + Then, though it seems strange, yet it's true what you've heard, + And a lesson throughout it is cast, + Which should comfort the poor working men like John Lord, + For we all shall be equal at last. + +As sooin as he'd finished quaverin on th' last noat but one, ther wor +sich a knockin o' glasses an' thump in o' fists, wol th' lonlady coom in +agean, an' th' cheerman felt it his duty to order "as befoor," which +order th' lonlady worn't long i' executin. "Gooid lad! Cocky!" sed Ike, +"if aw'd a voice like thee aw'd travel! Tawk abaat Sims Reeves! He +niver sang a song like that sin he wor creddled! Nah Maister Cheerman, +keep up th' harmony, we're mendin on it aw'm sure. 'Gow, aw'll have +another pipe o' bacca o' th' heead on it' nay, raylee, aw niver did hear +sich a song," savin which he sat daan an' hid his astonishment behund a +claad o' reek. + +"Well," sed th' cheerman, "as Ike seems soa anxious, aw think he'd +better try an' let's see what he con do." "Hear, hear!" on all sides, +an' two or three pulled him up whether he wod or net, an' after a gooid +deal o' sidelin abaat, he axed if he mud have his cap on, for he could +niver sing withaat cap. "That's to keep th' mewsic throo flyin aght +o'th' top ov his heead," sed one. "Order!" sed th' cheerman, "if Ike +wants his cap on let him have it, may be he'll loise th' air withaat +it." + +Ike luk'd very solid for a minit, an' then he struck a lively tune in a +voice abaat as musical as a saw sharpener. + + Let us have a jolly spree, + An' wi' joy an' harmonie, + Let the merry moments flee, + For mi love's come back. + O, the days did slowly pass, + When aw'd lost mi little lass, + But nah we'll have a glass, + For mi love's come back. + + O, shoo left me in a hig, + An' shoo didn't care a fig, + But nah aw'll donce a jig, + For mi love's come back. + An' aw know though far away, + 'At her heart neer went astray, + An' awst iver bless the day, + For mi love's come back. + + When shoo ax'd me yesterneet + What made mi heart so leet, + Aw says, "why can't ta see it's + 'Coss mi love's come back." + Then aw gave her just a kiss, + An' shoo tuk it noan amiss + An' aw'm feear'd aw'st brust wi' bliss, + For mi love's come back. + + Nah aw'm gooin to buy a ring, + An' a creddle an' a swing, + Ther's noa tellin what may spring, + For mi' love's come back. + O, aw niver thowt befoor + 'At sich joy could be i' stoor, + But nah aw'l grieve noa moor, + For mi love's come back. + +As mud ha been expected, they applauded Ike famously, but th' cheerman +wor hard asleep agean, an' it tuk a gooid shakkin to wakken him, an' +then he didn't seem to be altogether thear, an' as sooin as they left +him aloan he dropt on agean. + +"Aw think th' cheerman's ommost sewed up," sed Ike. "Net he! he's noan +sewed up," sed Mosslump, "it's that song o' thine 'at's sent him to +sleep! who the shames does ta think could keep wakken for sich a song as +that? aw knew tha'd do it as sooin as aw heeard thi begin." "Come, +aw'll sing thee for a quairt any day," sed Ike, "tha fancies coss tha'd +once a uncle 'at could sing a bit, 'at ther's some mewsic born i' thee; +but if aw'd a public haase aw wodn't let thee sing in it for a paand, +for aw'll bet tha'd turn all th' ale saar." "Tha am't worth tawkin to, +Ike, an' as for thee havin a voice, Why! tha arn't fit to hawk cockles +an' mussels." "Well, an if aw did hawk 'em aw'd tak gooid care aw didn't +sell thee ony unless aw gate th' brass befoorhand, soa tha can crack +that nut." "Does ta mean to say 'at aw dooant pay mi way? aw've moor +brass commin in ivery day nor tha can addle in a wick." Aw saw it luk'd +likely for a row brewin, soa aw sed, "nah chaps, we've had a verry nice +evening soa far, an' aw shouldn't like ony unpleasantness, for yo see +th' cheerman's had a drop too much, an' aw think we owt to try to get +him hooam if ony body knows wheear he lives." "Eea!" sed one chap 'at +had been varry quite all th' neet, "aw dooant think he'll pay for owt +ony moor, soa we mud as weel get shut on him." "Ther's Frank standin' +at th' corner," sed another "aw dar say he'll tak him." "Who's Frank, +aw asked." "O, it's a donkey 'at they call Frank," sed Ike, "th' chap +'at bowt him had him kursened Frank i' honor o' Frank Crossley bein made +a member o' parliment." "Varry weel," aw sed, "then let's get him onto +it." One or two came to give a lift, an' wi' a bit o' trouble we gate +him aghtside. Th' donkey wor thear, but as ther wor a gurt milk can o' +each side on it, aw couldn't see exactly ha to put this chap on. "O," +sed Ike, "he'll ride nicely between' em," soa we hoisted him up, an' +gave th' chap 'at belang'd donkey a shilling to see him safe hooam. Off +they went at a jog trot, an' aw fancy if he'd niver known owt abaat th' +can can befoor, 'at he'd have a varry lively noation o' what it meant +befoor he'd gooan two mile daan th' hill. When we'd getten him away, +some o'th chaps went back into th' haase, but aw thowt my wisest plan +wor to steer straight for hooam, which aw did, an' although aw believe +my old woman had prepared a dish o' tongue for mi supper, as aw went +straight to bed an' fell asleep, aw'm net exactly sure whether aw gate +it or net. When aw wakken'd next mornin, aw began thinking abaat th' +neet befoor, an' aw coom to th' conclusion, 'at "Widdop's Rest" might be +all varry weel once in a way, but if a chap had weary booans, he'd be +able to rest a deal better in a comfortable bed at hooam. + + + + +Tinklin' Tom. + + +Some time ago I was accidentally thrown into the im company of a number +of workmen, who were just wondering how to pass the remainder of the +dinner hour agreeably; and, as they were all indulging in the favourite +after dinner pipe, with one exception, it was proposed that this one, +whom they called Amos, should tell them one of his stories. Amos, +nothing loth, and, evidently accustomed to occupy the position of a +story teller, without any apology commenced:-- + +"Nah, aw dooan't think for a minit, 'at yo all knew this tinklin' Tommy, +'at aw'm gooin to tell yo abaght. Nowt o'th' soort! Its net to be +expected! But aw dar say yo've all known a tinklin chap o' some +sooart--one o' them 'ats allus boddin an' doin jobs they niver sarved +ther time to--a sooart o' jack-o'-all-trades, one 'at con turn his hand +to owt ommost. Nah, aw like a chap o' that sooart, if he doesn't carry +things too far: but when he begins to say 'at he con build a haase as +weel as a mason, an' mak a kist o' drawers as weel as a joiner, or +praich a sarmon as weel as th' parson--or playa bazzoon, or spetch a +pair o' clogs better nor ony man breathin--then, aw say, tak care an' +ha' nowt to do wi' him. It isn't i'th' natur ov ony body to be able to +do ivery thing, an' yo 'll oft find 'at them 'at con do all bi ther +tawk, con varry seldom do owt reight. + +This Tinklin Tom, 'at aw knew, lived at Northaaram, an' he'd managed to +mak fowk believe 'at he wor a varry cliver chap, an' whoiver wanted owt +doin they wor sure to send for Tom; an' varry oft he did better nor +like, to say 'at he had to do it aght ov his own heead; an' if iver he +made a mess o' owt, it wor sure to be th' fault o' th' stuff, or else +them 'at held th' leet: it wor niver Tommy's. + +It happened one time 'at Tom had a bit o' spare time ov his hands, soa +he went up to th' aleus to get a pint o' drink, singing as he went, "Ye +lads an' lasses so blithe an' gay, come to the 'Woodlands,' come away." +"Hallo, Tom," said th' landlord, "tha'rt just th' chicken aw wor wantin! +Tha mun gi' us a lift, wi' ta?" + +"A lift! What does ta mean? What is it tha wants liftin? Aw dar say aw +con do mi share, for aw've seen th' time when ther worn't a chap i' +Awrram 'at could lift as mich as me." + +Why, Tom! aw'm capt tha hasn't heeard! Doesn't ta knaw 'at we're goin to +have a grand tea-drinkin up stairs to neet, an' a grand ball ta finish +off wi'?" + +"Noa, ther's niver noabdy tells me owt," says Tom. + +"Well, aw thowt tha knew all abaght it--its to be a furst rate doo; +tickets to be a shillin a piece, an' them 'at taks two con have' em for +one an' ninepence; an' we're gooin to have a peanner, for tha knaws noa +beershop's thowt respectable nah, unless ther's a peanner i' th' chamer +an' an ale pump i'th' bar, soa as aw dooan't want to be behund other +fowk, aw've borrowed one ov a musichener 'at keeps a shop, an' a grand +un it is as iver tha clapt thi een on." + +"What is it made on?" says Tom. + +"Aw dooan't knaw reightly, but aw think its awther mogny or wallmuck--aw +forget whether; but there it is. Luk! Sithee!" he sed, runnin to th' +winder, "come help us to get it in." + +They booath ran aght to help th' lads at bad browt it, to get it off th' +spring cart, an' they varry sooin had it inside. As sooin as Tom an' th' +landlord wor left to thersen, they began to try to get it upstairs; but +they'd a job; they gat it up a step or two, an' thear it stuck. + +"Nah, then!" sed Tom, for he wor at th' top side, "nab then, lift! howd +on! lift! lift! howd on! lift! What th' shames are ta dooin?" + +"Aw'm liftin," sed th' landlord, "what should aw be dooin, thinks ta?" + +"Well, try agean," says Tom, "nah then, lift! lift! Oh-h-h! Howd on! +what the hangmit are ta doin?" + +"What's up?" says th' landlord. + +"Can't ta see, lumpheead! tha's ommost brokken mi fingers ageean that +step!" + +"Tha should keep thi fingers aght o'th' gate, an' then they willn't get +brokken." + +"If tha doesn't mind what tha'rt saying, aw 'll pitch booath thee an' it +to th' botham; an' it will ha' to goa thear yet, for it'll niver come up +this way. They must be fooils 'at mak stuff ta big ta get up th' steps. +Aw once made a mangel 'at aw could tak up steps hauf this width." + +"Well, its net gooin up, that's plain enuff, Tom, soa what mun we do +nah?" + +"We mun get it back, an' try to pull it in 'at th' charner winder, but +we shall want a stee." + +"Oh, we can sooin get that," says th' landlord, "just thee stop an' see +'at noabdy touches it, an' aw'll goa borrow one." + +Off he went, an' wor sooin back wi' th' stee; an' they reared it up +agean th' charner winder an' teed a roap raand th' middle o'th' peanner, +an' wol th' landlord went up th' stairs to pool, Tom stopt daan to put +it on an' shove, an' it began to goa up varry nicely, an' Tom followed +to steady it. When it had getten abaght hauf way, th' stee began to bend +a gooid bit. "Steady fair," says th' landlord, "tha munnot come ony +farther, Tom: if tha does, it'll smash! Aw think awst be able to manage +nah." Soa Tom went back, an' th' landlord kept poolin it up a bit at a +time. As it kept gooin up an' up, it kept gettin a bit moor to one side. +"Ha is it nah, Tom?" + +"Oh, its all serene--th' centre o' gravitum's all reight up to nah," +says Tom. + +Up it went--little an' little--an' ivery time it stirr'd it gat a bit +moor off th' edge, an' just as he'd getten it to th' winder bottom, +ovver it went an' daan it fell wi' a crash an' a buzz, like a volley o' +donce music shot aght ov a cannon, an' aght coom all th' neighbors to +see what wor up. + +An' it did luk a seet, reight enuff. Th' top had flown off, an' one leg +stuck aght one way an tother stuck aght another. It wodn't ha' luk'd +hauf as ill if it had been an owd deal box o' some sooart; but a grand +mogny peanner--it luk'd just awful. Its like a druffen chap 'ats dressed +i' black cloath--he allus luks war nor one 'ats dress'd i' fushten. + +"Well, what's to be done nah?" says th' landlord, when he'd getten daan +ta Tom agean, "tha reckons to knaw a bit o' summat abaght music, doesn't +ta? What mun wi' do wi' this lot?" + +"Well," says Tom, "aw've put a hanel or two on to a box organ an' +polished a flute or two i' mi time, soa aw owt to knaw summat, but aw've +niver had owt to do wi' peanners; but aw dar say if we had it inside, aw +could do a bit o' summat wi' it." + +"We can easy manage that," said th' landlord, "for we can tak it up i' +numbers!" + +In a short time they had it carried up an' put together, but what +bothered Tom wor, all th' strings wor in a lump, for th' wood 'at they +wor screw'd to had brokken lawse an' tumelled into th' bottom. + +"Nah, if we could nobbut get this wood wi' all thease pegs in, an' all +thease wires fesend to it, lifted up into th' reight spot, aw think +ther'd be a chonce o' gettin some mewsic aght on it--soa seize hold an' +lift," said Tom. An' they did lift I for they lifted th' peanner clean +off th' floor. + +"A'a dear! this'll never do," says Tom, "aw niver saw ony body frame wor +i' mi life; we mun ha' somdy to sit on it to hold it daan. Connot th' +mistress spare time, thinks ta? Shoo's a tidy weight. + +"Sally, come here!" shaated aght th' landlord, an' shoo wor up in a +minit. "Nah, we want thee to sit daan o' this article wol we lift." + +"What, sit me daan o'th' kays, does ta mean? Tha doesn't think at aw con +play, does ta lad?" + +"Sit thee daan! says th' landlord, varry cross; tha's noa need to be +feeard o' been blown up--its nooan a wind instrument." + +Shoo set daan, tho' shoo didn't seem mich to like it, an after a gooid +deal o' tuggin an' poolin, th' chaps managed to get it up within abaght +an inch o' whear it had been befoor. + +"Thear!" said Tom, "that begins to luk moor like summat." "Eea, it +does," says th' landlord, "aw shouldn't be daan abaght makin a peanner +after this; but if aw did mak one, aw'd mak one 'at wodn't braik wi' +fallin an odd stoory. Aw dooant think him aw borrowed it on 'll be able +to find owt aght." + +"Well, aw dooant knaw," says Tom, "aw'm th' fastest what to do wi' +thease thingams 'at waggles abaght soa; tha sees they owt to hit thease +wires, but they're all too long someha." + +"Why, doesn't ta think 'at tha could shorten 'em a bit? It luks to me +as if it 'll do if them gets shortened, Sally! get up! Are ta baan to +sit thear all th' day? Go an' borrow yond butcher's saig, an' then Tom +can cut thease foldedols." + +Sally went an' left' em booath starin at th' music box, as shoo called +it, an' when shoo'd gooan th' landlord walked raand it two or three +times, an' then stoppin i' front o' Tom, he said, "Well, Tom, aw allus +thowt 'at tha wor fond o' tinklin at all sooarts o' jobs, but aw didn't +gie thee credit for being able to do owt like this." + +"Why, yo' see, maister, its born i' some fowk,' replied Tom. "Nah when +aw wor a lad aw once made a tin whistle aght ov a brass canel-stick, an' +they could ha' played on it too, but it tuk sich a deal o' wind, but +ther wor a chap 'at used to come to awr haase 'at blew it mony a time." + +"Tha doesn't say soa! A'a, what a thing it is to be born wi' sich a +heead as thine; aw wonder tha doesn't crack thi brain wi' studdyin soa +mich abaght things. Aw've thowt mony a time when aw've heeard fowk tawk +abaght thee 'at its a thaasand pities thi mother hadn't twins." + +"Why," said Tom, "aw think sometimes 'at if aw'd been edicated aw should +happen a capt somdy; but that's Sally's fooit, aw think." + +Sally browt th' saig, an' after a gooid deal o' squarin abaght, Tom said +"Aw think th' best plan 'll be to cut th' lot off to start wi', an' then +we can mak 'em what length we want 'em." + +"Suit thi sen, tha owt to knaw," said th' landlord, an' Tom began to +saig away. He'd getten th' hauf on 'em cut, when up comes th' chap at +they'd borrowed it on. "I understand you've had an accident," he said, +"but I hope its not much worse?" + +"Well, it has getten a bit ov a shake," says Tom, "but aw think we'll be +able to mak it all square agean in a bit." + +"Why, my dear fellow, what are you doing? You are destroying the whole +affair--you are cutting the action!" + +"Action! What action? What does ta mean?" says Tom. + +"Why, you are cutting the working part all to pieces!" + +"Warkin pairt! Aw'm dooin nowt o' th' sooart--its th' playing pairt 'at +aw'm cuttin; but if aw ammot dooin reight, tak th' saig an' lets see ha +tha'll do it." + +"No, indeed--I shall have nothing to do with it--the whole thing is +ruined; and the landlord will have to pay me for it, so I wish you a +very good day." + +Tom an' th' landlord watched him aght o'th' seet, an' for a minit or two +nawther on 'em spake, but 'at th' last th' landlord says, "What's to be +done, Tom? what's to be done?" + +Tom seemed as dumb as th' peanner an' dived his hands into his britches +pockets varry near up to th' elbows. + +"If aw wor yo maister," he said, "aw wodn't bother ony moor wi' this to +day, for ther's a deal o' tinklin wark to be done at it afoor its fit +for mich; aw'd shove it into a corner an' say nowt abaght it for fear it +might stop th' tickets for sellin, an' when fowk have getten ther tea +an' want to donce, ther's sure some music to turn up throo somewhear." + +Th' landlord seemed convinced ther wor some truth i' what he said, soa +they lifted it carefully into a corner an' left it. + +Ther wor a rare sale o' tickets that day, an' when tea time coom they +wor as mony as three sittins daan, but th' pots were noa sooiner sided +nor they began to ax abaght th' mewsic. Tom had set varry still wol he +saw all ready--then standing up wi' his cap i' his hand, he coff'd an' +began, "Ladies an' gents--its a vary unfortunate affair, is this; but yo +see troubles are niver to seek: th' landlord said he'd have a peanner to +neet, an' he's getten one, but its aght o' tune; but rayther nor yo +should be disappointed aw'll whistle a tune for yo misen, an' aw think +ther's two or three moor at '11 be able to help me a bit." + +Withaat moor adoo he struck up a tune: th' lasses giggled an th' lads +luk'd soft; but in a bit one or two gate up, an' began turnin raand, an' +it worn't long afoor they wor all whirlin away like a lot o' scopperils, +an' as happy as happy could be. Tom sooin fun two or three moor to help +him at whistling, an' afoor it wor ovver they all agreed 'at they'd +niver enjoyed thersen hauf as weel at ony ball they'd iver been at +afoor, as they had that neet; but th' best o' friends mun pairt, an' th' +time coom when they mud goa hooam, soa just bith' way ov a wind up, Tom +stood ov a bench an' then made a varry nice soort ov a speech, an' ended +bi sayin "ha sorry he felt for th' landlord: for he'd have a deal o' +brass to pay to mak up for th' accident 'at's happened, an' as they'd +all enjoy'd thersen soa weel, he thowt they wodn't object to mak a +collection ov a trifle to help him, an' he should have mich pleasure i' +gooin raand wi' th' hat." + +After this speech they all began fumlin i' ther pockets an' declaring +they'd do what they could for him; an' when th' hat went raand they +worn't one but what gave summat an' as ther wor twenty-three on 'em, it +coom to eleven-pence-hawpny. Tom handed it ovver to th' landlord, who +thanked' em in a varry neat an affectin way, an' begged on 'em to have a +shillin oth' o' warm ale at his expense, which they had. After that they +separated, thankful to think' at they'd been able to do a trifle towards +helpin a chap aght ov his troubles. + +Th' landlord had to pay for th' peanner at last, an' as they couldn't +mak it play, Tinklin Tom an' a plumber turned it into a ale pump, an' it +stands i'th' bar to this day, an' they say its th' handsomest machine +o'th' sooart i' Northaaram. Th' landlord's studied music a bit sin' +then, an' as sooin as he hears th' kay nooat ov a chap's voice, he can +tell whether to draw him flat ale or sharp ale, as natural as con be. +An' they're gooin to kursen th' haase a "music ale haase;" an soa mony +fowk goa to see it, 'at th' landlord says he "fell i' luck for th' furst +time in his life when th' peanner fell aght o'th' winder." + +"Ha! ha! ha! Well, that's a stunner, Amos! Tha's done that a gooid en, +but yond's th' whew, soa we mun goa an' do another bit for th' maister. +Ha! ha! ha!" + + + + +Th' New Schooil Booard. + + +In a village not very far from where I am now sitting, and in the +principal street, (for it was the only one,) was situated an +old-fashioned hostelry where nightly all the Solomons of the district +used to congregate. The room they occupied was a large kitchen, the +floor of which was scoured and sanded; and all the furniture, which was +immovable, was brushed as white as it was possible to be. Here they held +their political discussions, and showed how Gladstone had missed it, and +clearly demonstrated that had their advice been acted upon, the world +would very soon have become so regenerated that soldiers, sailors, +parliaments, and policemen, would be things altogether useless, and we +should soon be in such a position that pleasure would be the only +business of life. On the night of which I write, the conversation turned +upon the question of School Boards. Old Michael, who was a great +authority on the question of education, owing to his daughter being a +pupil teacher, was at once appealed to for his opinion. + +"Well," he said, "awve net gooan soa deeply into this matter as some +things, but aw should think 'at they'res gooin to be a mistak all th' +way through. If aw understand it reight, iverybody's to be eddicated to +sich a pitch, wol they'll be able to tak a sitiwation awther as a clark +at a bank or a clark at a chapel, an' yo know as weel as aw do 'at +ther's some fowk yo connot eddicate. My dowter has tell'd me monny a +time, 'at ther's a deeal o' fowk 'at's born withaat heeads. Yo may think +it saands strange but aw believe it's true--they've nobbut getten lumps, +an' they're like blind boils, yo may pooltice 'em as long as yo like, +an' yo can niver draw 'em to a heead, an' that bein th' case aw think +'at Forster's made a mess on it. Nah if he'd ha takken my advice, he'd +ha letten it alooan until sich times as fowk had getten sense enuff to +understand things." + +"But Michael," said Dick Dardust, "aw must say at aw dooant agree +exactly wi' all tha says, an' aw connot help thinkin 'at thy dowter may +happen be mistakken abaat fowks' heeads." + +"Nah, if tha'rt gooin to set thisen up as superior to my dowter, ov +coorse aw've done at once. If somdy 'at's spent soa monny year i' +improvin ther intellectul an' morbid sensibleness is to be questioned bi +a ninkumpoop like thee, it's time to drop it." + +"Aw dooant want to set misen up at all, Michael, all aw have to say is +'at th' best on us may be mistakken, an' aw've heeard a chap say, an' yo +may tak his word for it, for he comes throo London, 'at this Schooil +Booard an' this technical eddication is baan to revolutionize this +country." + +"God forbid! 'at we should iver have ony revolution i' this country as +long as aw live," said Simon o' th' Lee, who had been listening, 'for +ther's been blooid enuff shed latly.' + +"Nay," said Michael, "tha doesn't understand what he meeans, he doesn't +meean wars, he meeans 'at things will ha to be turned raand. Nah my +dowter tells me 'at th' world's in a revolution allus, that is, it keeps +turnin raand ov its own axle tree throo morn to neet an' niver stops." + +"A'a Michael,' said Simon, 'aw think thy dowter is tryin to cram thi a +bit; nah did ta iver catch th' world th' wrang side up, for aw niver +did, an' aw've lived a year or two?" + +"Well, awm net able to argify it, all aw know is 'at awm tell'd soa. But +to come back to th' old point, abaat this Schooil Booard, and technical +eddication? nah what do yo call technical eddication? Come, aat wi' it +some o' yo 'at reckon to be soa weel up." + +"Wel," said Dick, "technical eddication is, aw suppooas, summat 'at fowk +leearns to do 'em some gooid, an' if aw understand it reight, it's +summat 'at fowk leearns withaat ony books or owt o' that sooart." + +"Nay," said Simon, "tha'rt wrang this time,--if aw understand it, +technical eddication meeans leearnin th' names o' things sich as stars +an' plants an' joints o' mait, an' iverything o' that sooart; isn't that +it, Michael?" + +"Aw dooant think it is, aw think Dick's nearer th' mark nor thee, for aw +believe it's as he says, yo leearn it withaat ony books; in fact it's +that sooart o' eddication at fowk have 'at niver went to th' schooil, +it's a sooart o' common sense view o' things,--a sooart o' beein able to +invent a way to do owt yo want ommost. Nah, aw'll gie yo a sample o' +what aw call technical eddication. My gronfayther wor booath deeaf an' +dumb an' laim, aw can just recollect him, tho he deed when aw wor a lad; +he wor born deeaf an' dumb but he wornt born laim, that happened after +he gate to be a man. Well, he niver went to th' schooil, but yet he wor +one o' th' mooast genius chaps 'at iver yo met i' yor life; he'd a way +ov his own o' dooin iverything. Aw've heeard mi fayther tell 'at when he +wor a lad, ther wor a family o' five on 'em, an' they all worked at th' +factory, an' as lads will, they sometimes stopt aat soa lat ov a neet +'at they fan it varry hard wark to get up next mornin; an' they had to +be up at five o'clock 'coss they'd a long way to walk. Nah, mi +gronfayther could nawther get up nor call aat, but ha do yo think he +managed to get' 'em aat o' bed? He used to allus keep abaat a barro +looad o' brokken bricks at his bedside, an' th' lads used to know as +sooin as they felt 'em flyin abaat ther heeads 'at it wor time to be +stirrin: one used to be enuff in a general way, but th' second wor sure +to do it, even if he wor a hard sleeper, an' if th' third didn't wakken +him, yo could book him for a tombstooan ony minit. Nah that's what aw +call technical eddication." + +"Well, if throwin bricks at a chaps heead is technical eddication, aw +dooant see 'at we want a Schooil Booard to taich us that," said Jabez, +"for ther's lots 'at can manage that job withaat. Nah awl tell yo what +technical eddication is as yo all seem fast amang it." + +"Well, if tha can lawse us, we desarve putting in a pooak an' shakkin +up," said Michael, low down, but just loud enough to be heard. + +"Aw heeard thi what tha sed Michael, but technical eddication is that +sooart 'at taiches 'em a trade, an aw think its a varry sensible thing, +'an aw for one am i' favor ov a Schooil Board, 'an if we dooant get one +up, ther's sure to be some o' them local board chaps at will, an' aw +consider this to be a varry gooid time to consider th' subject, 'an +depend on it, them 'at start it will have th' best chonce o' being +vooated in members; an' as nooan on us but Michael has ony public +office, aw beg to propooas 'at we form ussen into a quorum an mak +application for a Schooil Booard, an' aw beg also to propooas 'at +Michael is th' cheerman." + +This last proposition was a varry good hit, for he knew that if Michael +had the chance to be chairman, that he would not care a farthing what +the object might be,--and there are a many like Michael in that +particular. + +Michael hum'd and ha'd a few times, but at last he overcame his scruples +and said, "he didn't know but what it wor for th' best, and if it wornt, +if it had to be done they might as weel have th' honor o' doin it as +onybody else." + +They held a meeting, but it would be useless for me to attempt to make +you understand their arguments, for I did not, and I am pretty well +convinced that they were similarly situated; but at last it was +unanimously resolved that they should have a School Board, and Simon +called for pen, ink, and paper to draw up a petition, and he began in a +very promising manner, and proceeded very well until he came to the word +technical, then he scratched his head. + +"What's to do nah?" said Michael. + +"Ha do yo spell technical?" said Simon, "is there a K in it?" + +"Ho eea! ther must be a K in it," said Dick, "let's see, teck, neck, +peck, reck, check, deck, leck;--hi! ther must be a K in it, ther's a K +i' all words o' that sooart." + +"Well, but aw believe ther isn't a K in it for all that," said Simon, +"but whear's ther an old newspaper, we can happen find it mentioned +thear." + +So he got an old paper, and whilst he was running down the columns, the +rest of the members were arranging when they could have th' furst feed +at th' heead o' th' Booard. + +"Nah," he said, "awve fun it." + +"An' ther's a K in it ov coarse," sed Michael. + +"As it happens tha'rt wrang for once," said Simon, "for ther isn't." + +"Then ther owt to be, that's all, but aw dooant put ony faith i' +newspapers, for when aw wor wed, they put in my name Michael withaat a +K." + +"Well, that wor reight enough, ther isnt a K i' Michael." + +"Oh, isnt ther?--varry gooid,--aw know 'at my dowter spells it wi' a K +an' shoo's a pupil taicher, soa shoo owt to know," said Michael. + +"Thy dowter be blowed! tha wants to ram thy dowter daan ivery body's +throit." + +"Do aw?--Awd be looath to ram her daan thy throit anyway, tho it wodnt +be sich a varry hard job, for thi maath's ommost big enuff." + +"If its ony bigger accordingly nor thy nooas awl be smoored; but tha con +tak th' Schooil Board an thi dowter too for what aw care, an' mich gooid +may shoo do thi, for awl niver be under a cheerman at spells Michael wi' +a K. + +"Nah chaps," said Dick Dardust, "dont yo fratch." + +"Simon does reight to fratch," said another, "Michael has noa business +allus to be draggin in his dowter if shoo is a schooil mistress. My +wife's sister-i'-law had a hont 'at wor a schooil mistress, an' aw +dooant keep reapin it up." + +As each of them had had their pints replenished a number of times during +the discussion, the old saying that "when drink's in wit is out," began +to be illustrated; and there was such an uproar in the place that the +landlord was compelled to send for some policemen to assist him in +turning them out, and when they had gone he muttered to himself, as he +picked up the broken pints, "Schooil Booards! its time they'd summat. +What do they want wi' Schooil Booards? Aw niver went to th' schooil an' +luk at me! why aw could sup a 18 gallon to mi own cheek an net mak soa +mich bother." + +Whilst all this had been going on, a few of the quiet and unassuming +people of the village had met at the school room for the purpose of +considering the same subject. The clergyman was in the chair, and as +might be expected, the business was carried on in a very different +manner, and they decided to hold a public meeting, and give all an +opportunity to express their opinions. Judge the dismay of the pot house +Solomons, when they saw the village placarded with announcements on +which the words "School Board," were in very large letters. They at once +set about raising some opposition, for they felt themselves aggrieved. + +Michael and Simon o'th' Lee happened to meet as they were going to work. +"Nah Simon, tha sees what a mess thy stupid wark's getten us into. If +tha hadn't sed ther wornt a K i' technical it ud niver ha' come to +this." + +"If tha hadn't sed 'at ther wor a K i' Michael it would niver ha +happened, an' ther isnt a K i' technical." + +"Well, happen net, but ther is a K i' Michael, becoss my dowter says--" + +"Thy dowter's a fooil! shoo taks after her faither!" said Simon, as he +walked away. + +"Ha ha, ha! Well shoo hasnt lived to thy age withaat leearnin to know at +ther's a K i' Michael," he shouted after him. + +But the public meeting was held, and there was some very strong +opposition, and Michael made a very long speech against School Boards, +for he said that "his dowter wor a pupil taicher, an' shoo sed 'at +Schooil Booards wor nobbut necessary i' them places whear they required +'em, an' he should propooas 'at this meetin wor ov opinion 'at this +question should stand ovver until his dowter wor old enuff to have a +schooil ov her own, an' if shoo couldn't eddicate fowk up to th' mark, +it wod be time enuff to have a Schooil Booard then." + +"Gooid lad, Michael!" said one. + +"Michael wi' a K!" said another. + +"Goa home to thi dowter, an' tell her to give thi brains a soap lather!" +shouted a voice that was verry like unto Simon's. + +There was a good deal of uproar for a time, but the meeting at length +decided by a vote of ten to one in favour of a school board, so the +opposition did no good after all, and Michael's daughter will have to +take her chance. + + + + +Tha Caps me Nah! + + +"Has ta heeard th' news?" + +"Niver a word! What's up?" + +"Old Duke's getten wed." + +"Nay, tha caps me nah! An' who's th' gurt maddlin getten wed to? Awst ha +thowt he'd gettin to old to do that." + +"He's wed Mary o' Nathan's o'th' Sludge Hoil." + +"Well, tha does cap me nah! Why, he's old enuff to be her gronfayther +ommost. A'a dear, A'a dear! Whativer wor shoo thinkin on? But I reckon +shoo mud have a felly o' some sooart; but awd ha waited a bit longer if +awd been her befoor awd ha' taen up wi' old Duke; besides he's a peg +leg." + +"Well shoo may'nt like him ony war for that, an' tha sees it'll save her +a bit o' trouble, for shoo'll nobbut have one booit to black. But shoo's +a trimmer, an' if he doesn't live to rue his bargain, awst be chaited. +Shoo play'd him one o'th' nicest tricks, th' day after they gate wed 'at +awve heeard tell on for a long time." + +"Ha wor that?" + +"Well, tha sees he gate rayther fresh o'th' weddin day, an' he wor varry +dry when he wakken'd next mornin, soa he sed he'd get up an' goa as far +as 'Th' Quiet Corner,' for a leck on; but shoo tell'd him he'd ha to do +nowt o'th' sooart, for it wor ill enough to have a druffen chap at neet +withaat havin one 'at started as sooin as he gate up. But he sed he +should goa, an' shoo said he should'nt, an' they started o' threapin, +but what does shoo do when he worn't lukkin, but shoves his peg leg up +th' flue, an' he sowt it all ovver but couldn't find it?" + +"That wor a cunnin trick onyway, but what sed Duke?" + +"He had to stop at hooam ov cooarse, for shoo wod'nt tell him whear it +wor until he promised net to goa near th' alehouse that day, an it had +getten towards neet when he promised and as shoo'd kept a gooid fire all +th' time it had getten a fairish warmin, and' old Duke noa sooiner gate +it on an' wor walkin abaat a bit, nor it mashed like a pot, an' he fell +his whoallength on to th' floor with his heead i'th' coilskep." + +"Nay, tha does cap me nah! Ther'd be a bonny rumpus awl bet. Did ta +hear?" + +"Aw heeard nowt noa farther, nobbut some ov his chums gate to know, an +soa they made a subscription, an' bowt him another, an' they had it +painted red, white and blue, an' sent it lapt up i' silk paper. Old Duke +wor ommost malancholy when he saw it, but Mary nobbut laft, an started +on an' blackleeaded it, an' in a varry little time he wor set i'th' +'Quiet Corner,' wi as handsome a peg leg as tha'd wish to see. They +chaff him a gooid bit abaat weddin Mary, but he taks it all i' gooid +part, an' they've sent all sooarts o' presents to him. One day last week +they sent him a creddle, an' Mary wor soa mad wol shoo gate th' blocker +an' wor baan to chop it into chips, and wol shoo wor stormin on, a +little lad coom to th' door an' sed, 'please aw've browt a pair o' +specteckels for old Duke to rock th' creddle in.' An' shoo catched him a +drive at side o'th' heead, wol his een fair blazed, an th' specteckels +flew into th' middle o'th' rooad." + +"Well, but it wor hardly reight on her to claat th' lad, coss he knew +nowt abaat it." + +"Why tha sees shoo didn't just think abaat it, but shoo made it all +reight at after an gave him a butter cake, an' old Duke sam'd up th' +specs, an' after saigin th' heead off, he turned th' creddle into a +manger for his donkey." + +"Well, tha caps me! But has ta heeard abaat that barrel o' ale runnin +away throo old Nipsomes tother wick?" + +"Noa, ha wor that? Aw hardly thowt he'd ony ale 'at had strength to run +away." + +"O but he has, for th' last gill awe gate fit three on us, an' we left +some then. But it wor sellable stuff, awve had war:--net mich. But awl +tell thi abaat this barrel. Th' brewery cart wor liverin some, an' tha +knows their ale-cellar door is just at th' top o'th' old hill, an th' +cartdriver let a barrel slip, an' away it roll'd daan th' hill slap +agean th' gas lamp, an' it braik th' pooast i' two, an off it went till +it coom to th' wall at th' bottom, when th' barrel end brast aat an' all +th' ale wor wasted. Soa tha sees ther must ha been some strength in it +if it could braik a iron lamp pooast; an' it wor nobbut common ale." + +"Well th' loss wodn't be soa varry mich after all, they'll get ovver it. +But has ta heeard they're gooin to turn Bill Summerscales' tripe shop +into a limited liability company?" + +"Nay, it's niver true, is it?" + +"Its true enuff, for aw've been tell'd all abaat it bi a chap 'ats had +it throo Bill hissen, but its a saycret tha knows, soa tha munnot tell +onybody; but what does ta think on it?" + +"Well aw hardly know what to think, but it seems to me 'at ther'll be +noa limit to th' limited's in a bit. But what's th' shares to be, has ta +heeard?" + +"Ho e'ea! Ther's to be two hundred shares at a shillin a piece; nineteen +twentieths he's baan to keep for hissen, an' his relations are to have +th' furst chonce o'th' other, so as it'll be as mich a family affair as +possible. Does ta see, that's done soa as if ivery thing doesn't work as +it should, or ther should be ony fallin off i'th' quality o'th' tripe, +they'll keep it quiet for ther own sakes." + +"Well, aw cannot see what iver he's turnin it into a company consarn +for?" + +"Does ta see, he's rayther fast for that stuff fowk buys pigs wi, an' +he's niver been able to pay for yon shuts painting yet, an' tha sees if +theas shares are all taen up, it'll put him into a bit o' ready brass; +an' th' dividend is to be declared once a year, an' th' shareholders can +have ther choice whether they tak it aat i' tripe or trotters; an if th' +first years' profit doesn't run to as mich as'll be a meal a piece, +it'll be carried to a presarve fund, though what presarved tripe 'll be +like aw cant tell." + +"Well, tha caps me nah! Does ta think o' takkin up a share or two?" + +"Aw hardly know yet. If aw tummel ovver as mich on mi way hooam as'll +pay th' deposit, aw happen shall, but net else." + +"Well, they'll net be mich i' my line. Who does ta think aw met to-day? +Try to guess." + +"Net aw marry! Awm noa hand at guessin." + +"It wor Jim Wilkins, don'd up like a gentleman. It licks me whear he +gets his brass; if ther isn't a smash up thear some day awst be capt. +But he ows me nowt." + +"Aw suppose his wife's a varry highty tighty sooart ov a body. Shoo's +been browt up at th' boardin schooil." + +"Why then, shoo'll be a poor dowdy in a haase. It's a queer thing, but +eddication seems to mar as mony as it maks. Aw dooant know what Foster's +bill may do." + +"Is he baan to get wed?" + +"Who?" + +"Bill Foster." + +"Aw ne'er sed owt abaat Bill Foster, aw mean Foster, M. P. for +Bradforth. He's browt in a bill to eddicate fowks childer." + +"Ho has he, aw niver heeard on it." + +"Why tha'rt awfully behund hand." + +"Aw may be i' mi politics, but net i' me payments, an' that's what monny +a thaasand connot say. Aw wonder sometimes ha it wod ha been if +iverybody 'at owed owt had been foorced to put it o'th' census paper. +But what does ta think abaat old Strap puttin daan all his five childer +musicianers?" + +"Nay aw dooant know, but he wor allus a foxy sooart ov a chap an' he'd +have some reason for it. But ha does ta mak it aat 'at they are all +musicians?" + +"Why, ther's two bellringers, two drummers, an' one drum hugger, an they +all play off nooats, an' a varry long way off 'em sometimes. Did ta hear +tell abaat them two lads o' his havin that do i'th' church steeple?" + +"Noa, indeed aw! Let's have it." + +"Well tha knows it happened to be practice neet an' as Ike wor gooin to +th' church he bowt a sheep's pluck an' tuk it wi him, intendin to tak it +hooam an have it cooked for ther supper. He happened to be th' furst 'at +gate into th' bell chamer, soa he hung th' sheep pluck up agean th' +wall, an' then went daan agean, leavin a little lamp burnin i'th' +steeple. He'd hardly getten off th' step when his brother coom, an' +findin th' door oppen he went up; but befoor he gate thear, a gust o' +wind blew aat th' leet an' all wor as dark as pitch. He thowt it wor +varry strange for he knew Ike had come before him, soa he bawled aat +'Ike!' but nobody spaik. 'Aw know tha'rt up here,' he sed, 'soa let's ha +nooan o' thi tricks. Spaik, wi' ta?" but nowt spaik. Sid felt rayther +freetened, but he began to grope all raand th' walls, bein sure his +brother wor thear i'th' dark. All at once his hand coom agean a piece o' +liver, an' it felt soa cold, an' soa mich like a face, 'at he started +back, an' as sooin as he could find th' step, he ran daan as fast as he +could, an' when he gate to th' bottom he luk'd at his hand an' it wor +all blooidy. 'Awr Ike's cut his throit,' he sed, 'Whativer mun aw do?' +An he wor just gooin to yell aat 'Police!' when who should come up but +his brother. Th' seet on him tuk a gurt looard off Sid's mind, but yet +he wor varry freetened. 'What's th' matter, Sid,' sed his brother, 'tha +luks ill; Isn't th' pluck all reight?' 'Th' pluck's gooan,' sed Sid, +shakkin his heead an' puttin his hand on his heart. 'Gooan!--Aw'll niver +goa into that bell-chamer ageean as long as aw live! Aw've allus sed, if +a chap 'll rob another ov his livin, he'll rob him ov his life if he's a +chonce.'" + +"'Well aw wor just thinkin a gooin for th' police,' sed Sid, 'but we +dooant know who it is.' Its one o'th' ringers as sure as we're here.' +'Hi, its one o'th' ringers noa daat, but aw hooap he hasn't a wife an' a +lot o' childer.' 'Well,' sed Ike, 'if he has, an taks it hooam for 'em +to ait, aw hooap it'll chooak th' lot on 'em.' Just as he sed this, all +th' rest o'th' ringers coom up, an' were capt to find Ike an' Sid soa +excited, soa pairt cluthered raand one an' pairt raand tother, an' Sid +tell'd one lot 'at a chap had cut his throit i'th' bell chamer, an' Ike +tell'd tother 'at somdy'd stown his sheep's pluck. 'Well we mun goa an +see,' sed some on 'em, an they gate some leets an away they went up. Ike +wor th' first an' Sid th' last. When they gate into th' chamer, Ike saw +th' pluck hung up just whear he'd left it, an' he turned raand an' saw +Sid peepin off th' corner o'th' door. 'This is one o' thy tricks, Sid,' +sed Ike, but th' words wor hardly aat ov his maath befoor Sid wor on his +knees declaring, 'at he'd niver harmed onybody i' all his life. 'Tha's +noa need to goa onto thi knees abaat it onyway,' sed Ike, 'haiver, hear +it is, soa all's reight, tha con hug it up hooam for me; an' he gave it +him. Sid wor soa taen, wol he put up his hands to mak sure 'at he worn't +asleep; an' th' chaps 'at he'd been tellin his tale to, began to smell a +rat, an' at last it wor all explained, an' niver mind if ther worn't +some laffin an' chaffin. Poor Sid gets plagued abaat it yet, for ommost +ivery body's getten to know, an' if onnybody, livin abaat that church, +wants a sheep's heead an' a pluck, they order th' butcher to send 'em a +New-Taan Boggard." + +"Well tha caps me nah!" + +"Gooid neet.--Awr Mally 'll think aw'm niver comin." + +"Gooid neet.--But is it true?" + +"True!--It's just as true as all sich like." + +"A'a, well,--tha caps me nah!" + + + + +Nay Fer Sewer! + + +Nay fer sewer!" sed Betty Longtongue, as Sally Jibjab had finished +tellin her 'at one o' th' neighbor's husband's had getten turned off. +"Well, awm capt he didn't get seck'd long sin, for they tell me he wor +niver liked amang th' work fowk, an' awm sure aw've seen him go in to +his wark monny a time a full clock haar after awr lot's had to be thear. +But aw thawt he'd find his level at last, an' awm net oft mistakken, far +aw can see a hoil in a stee as weel as th' maaast." + +"Why but it has'nt been owt abaat his wark 'at he's been seck'd for, but +him an' two or three moor have been playin a trick o' Jane Sucksmith's +husband, an' its getten to th' maister's ears, an' soa they seck'd him +thear an' then." + +"Nay fer sewer! whatever will ta say! Why what has he been dooin? Same +mak o' pousement aw'll be bun for't." + +"Well, aw can nobbut tell th' tale as it wor tell'd to me tha knows; but +her 'at tell'd me, had it tell'd bi somdy 'at had heeard it throo one +'at owt to know, soa its true enuff. It seems old Sucksmith had been +drinkin tother day, an' he must ha getten moor nor he could carry, an' +tha knows as weel as me 'at he can sup moor nor what ud mak some fowk +druffen, an' walk as steady as if he'd swallow'd a church, steeple an' +all; an' he ligg'd him daan o' some sheets o' wool 'at wor bi th' rooad +side, an' as Musty wor goain past he saw him, an' soa he thowt he'd have +a marlock, an' he went an' fun up some ov his chums an' they gate sooit +an' daub'd his face wol he luk'd war nor old Scrat hissen." + +"Nay fer sewer! Why they mud easily do that aw believe, for he's nooan a +gooid favvor'd chap at th' best hand." + +"Noa he isn't, but they worn't content wi' that but Musty went an' gate +some sooart o' paader 'at they use to dye red worset an' sich like stuff +wi', an he tuk off his cap an' sprinkled it all amang his toppin, an +then they left him, an' in a bit he wakken'd up, for all th' childer ith +district wor gethered raand him, starin at him. Just then Musty, 'at had +been waiting abaat, reckoned to come past in a great hurry, an' as sooin +as he saw Sucksmith, he set up a gurt shaat o' laffin, an says, +"Whativer has ta been doain, aw niver saw sich a freet i' mi life." +Sucksmith wor reight gaumless for a while, but he says, "What is ther to +laff at? Did ta niver see me befoor thinks ta?" "Well aw niver saw thi +luk like that affoar onnyway. Whoiver is it 'at's been playin thee this +trick?" + +"What trick does ta meean?" he sed. + +"Why doesn't ta know at thi face is all daubed wi sooit?" + +Sucksmith put up his hand to feel, an' when he saw his fingers all +grimed, he sed, "Aw wish aw knew who'd done this, Musty; awd be straight +wi' him, an sooin too. To think 'at a chap connot fall asleep in a +Kristine country withaat havin his face painted war nor a paysayger, but +awst find it aght someday." + +"Well, aw think its th' best plan to goa wi' me to th' "Blue Dunnock," +sed Musty, an' gie thisen a gooid wesh." + +Soa they went an' all Musty's mates wor set waitin in another raam. + +Th' landlady wor varry gooid i' findin him some sooap an' watter, o'th' +sinkstooan, an' he started to give hissen a reight gooid swill, an as +sooin as th' watter gate to this stuff 'at they'd put ov his heead, it +began to roll daan th' color o' blooid, an' as sooin as he oppen'd his +e'en he saw it, an' he thowt at first it must be his nooas 'at wor +bleedin, an' as th' landlady worn't abaat, he blew his nooase oth towel +to see, but it worn't, then he put up his hand to his heead an' thear it +wor sure enuff. He ommost fell sick when he saw it, an' he called for +Musty as laad as he could, to see what wor to do. "Whativer's th' matter +wi me thinks ta, Musty? Just Iuk, awm bleedin like a pig." + +"A'a, dear, A'a dear! Why tha must ha brokken a blooid vessel." + +"Aw think awve brokken two or three," sed Sucksmith "but what mun aw +do?" + +"Sewse thi heead wi cold watter; ther's nowt stops bleedin like cold +watter. Why, if tha gooas on tha'll bleed to th' deeath." + +"Aw begin to feel faint already," sed Sucksmith, as he started o' +throwin moor watter on his heead; but th' moor he put on an' th' moor +blooid seemed to come, an' he sed, "Oh, dear! aw believe awm done for +this time, Musty; doesn't ta think tha'd better send for a doctor?" + +When he lifted up his heead, Musty wor foorced to turn away for a minit +to get a straight face, for Sucksmith's wor dyed th' color ov a raw beef +steak, an' his heead luk'd like one o' them red door mats 'at tha's +seen. But Musty advised him to goa on wi' th' watter, an' he did, an' in +a while it begun to have less colour in it, an' Sucksmith's mind began +to feel a bit easier. + +"Aw think its ommost gien ovver nah," he sed, but luk at mi hands! why +they're like a piece o' scarlet cloath." + +"Eea, an thi face is th' same; tha luks to me as if tha'd getten th' +scarlet-fayvor, an' awm sure ther's summat nooan reight wi' thi; but +wipe thisen an' come into tother hoil, ther's some o' thi mates thear, +an' we'll see what they say." + +Sucksmith did as he wor tell'd, an' went into tother raam with Musty, +but ther wor sich a crack o' laffin as sooin as he showed his heead, wol +they mud ha fell'd him wi' a bean. "Nah lads," sed Musty, "yo shouldn't +laff at a chap's misfortunes, an' awm sure ther's Summat matter wi awr +friend Sucksmith, aw tell him it must be th' scarlet fayvor.' + +"Well aw niver saw sich a heead i' mi life," sed another, "but its nooan +th' scarlet fayvor; my belief is its th' cattle plague, an if it is, +an' th' police gets to know they'll have him shot, bi th' heart will +they, for they've orders to destroy ivery livin thing 'at shows ony +signs o' havin it. But whear has ta been to get it thinks ta?" + +"Nay, awve been nowhere 'at aw know on," sed Sucksmith, "aw felt all +reight a bit sin, an' aw ligg'd daan o' some sheets o' wool an' fell +asleep, an' aw niver knew aw ail'd owt wol aw coom in here to wesh me." + +"Why then it will be th' cattle plague, its nowt else, ther's a deal o' +sheep had it lately; an' varry likely that's some o' ther wool 'at tha's +been sleepin on. But ha does ta feel?" + +"Oh, aw feel varry mich alike all ovver,--awm feeared its up we me +ommost, an' this has come for a warnin, for aw havn't behaved misen +reight latly. But if awm spared to get ovver this awl alter." + +"Why tha luks as if tha'd awther getten a warnin or a warmin, bith color +o' thi face," sed one, "but aw think tha'd do wi' a glass o' summat to +cooil thi daan a bit,--a red Indian's a fooil to thi." + +"It must be summat serious," sed another, "are ta th' same color all +ovver?" + +"Aw dooant know awm sure, an'. aw havn't strength to luk," he sed. + +But one o'th' chaps roll'd up his briches slop to see; "Nay, thi leg is +all reight." "Well," sed Musty, "tha knows it may be soa, for we've +heeard tell o' th' fooit and maath desease, an' this may be th' heead +an' hand complaint. But what do yo think it'll be th' best for him to +do?" + +"I shuild advise him to goa hooam at once, but if ony body should see +him they'll varry likely tak him for a literary chap becoss he's so +deeply red." "Well, whether they tak him for a little-hairy chap or +net, he'll pass for a red hairy chap an' noa mistak," sed Hiram. + +But Sucksmith fancied he felt soa waik wol he didn't think he'd be able +to walk hooam, soa after all biddin him "gooid bye," for fear they mud +niver see him agean an one chap axin him to be sure an' tell his first +wife if he met her up aboon, 'at he'd getten wed to her sister, they +sent him hooam in a cab. + +"Nay fer sewer! Whativer wi ta say? An' whativer did their Margit say +when shoo saw him? He must ha luk'd a pictur." + +"Nay, aw dooant know what shoo sed, but ther wor a rare racket ith' hoil +awl a-warrant thi. But th' gurt softheead stuck in it, 'at he wor +poorly, an' as shoo saw he wornt sober shoo humoured him wi lettin him +goa to bed. Next mornin he'd come to his senses a bit, soa shoo let him +have sich a bit o' tongue as he hadn't had latly, for tha knows shoo's a +glaid when shoo starts, for if awd to say quarter as mich to my felly as +shoo says to him sometimes, he'd niver darken th' door agean. He began +to see what a fooil they'd been makkin on him, an' he gate up intendin +to goa to his wark, but when he saw hissen ith' seamin glass, he +couldn't fashion, an' soa he began o' weshin hissen first i' cold watter +an' then i' hot; but it wor what they call a fast color, an' he couldn't +get it to stir do what he wod. + +"What mun aw do, Margit?" he sed, when he'd swill'd his heead wi' hot +watter wol it wor hauf boiled; "th' moor aw wesh it an' th' breeter it +seems to get. If iver aw get all reight agean ther's somdy'll want a new +suit o' clooas, but it'll be a wooden en." + +"Hold thi noise, lumpheead," shoo sed, "an' get thi braikfast an awl see +if aw connot do summat for thi. Aw expect it'll have to be scaar'd off." + +Soa after th' braikfast shoo made him ligg daan o' th' hearthstooan, an' +shoo gate some wire scale an' started o' scrubbin one side ov his head, +as if shoo'd been polishin th' fender; but he couldn't stand that, an' +he laup'd up, an' donced up an' daan th' hoil, sayin all sooarts o' +awkward things. + +"What the dickens are ta thinkin on," he sed, "does ta fancy awm made o' +cast-iron?" + +"Aw dooan't know what tha'rt made on, but aw know tha artn't made o'th' +reight sooart o' stuff for a fayther ov a family to be made on; but if +tha connot get it off thisen, an' tha weant let me, tha'll be forced to +stop as tha art, that's all." An' away shoo flew aat o' th' haase and +left him. + +"Nay fer sewer! An' whativer did he do?" + +Well, he set daan and studied a bit, then he sent for a doctor, net +becoss he felt poorly, but becoss he wanted to know what to do to get it +off. Soa th' doctor coom, an' they say he couldn't spaik for iver soa +long, for laffin at him; an' he tell'd him he'd be monny a week befoor +he gate reight, an' it wod have to wear off by degrees; but his hair, he +sed, wod niver be reight, soa he mud as weel have it shaved off sooin as +lat. Soa he sent for Timmy, th' barber, an' had it done, an' when his +wife coom back, thear he wor set, lukkin for all th' world like a lot o' +old clooas wi' a ball o' red seealin wax stuck at th' top; an' thear he +is i'th' haase nah, whear he'll ha to stop wol his hair grows agean. + +"Nay fer sewer! An does he niver goa aat?" + +"Niver,--he did goa to th' door one day when Hiram's little lass went to +borrow th' looaf tins, but shoo wor soa freetened, wol shoo ran hooam, +an' her mother says shoo believes shoo's gooin to have soor een; mun, +he's flaysome to luk at, an' th' child has niver been like hersen sin, +an' shoo connot sleep ov a neet for dreamin abaat it." + +"Nay fer sewer! An what says Musty?" + +"Awve niver heeard what he's sed sin he lost his shop, but Sucksmith +says he's noan gooin to let it rest, for he'll send 'em some law if it +costs him a paand--An' Musty says he doesn't care ha sooin for he wod be +sure ov a bit o' summat to ait if he wor sent daan th' rails--but aw +think it'll get made up agean. But awve left yond child ith' creddle bi +hersen, soa aw mun be off." Away shoo went an' Sally watched her aat +o'th seet, an' then sank into a cheer, roll'd up her arms in her appron, +stared into th' fire, an' sed, "Nay fer sewer! Well ov all!--Nay fer +sewer!" + + + + +Th' Battle o' Tawkin. + + +"Tha'rt a liar if iver ther wor one! An' that's a hard thing to say, but +aw wodn't hang a cat o' thi word! It's as sure yor Alick 'at's brokken +awr winder, as awm standin here, an' tha knows it too!" + +"Aw say it isn't awr Alick, for he's niver been aat 'oth' haase this +blessed day! Tha's awther brokken it thisen or' else one o' thi own's +done it,--an' they are a lot 'oth' warst little imps 'at iver lived; an' +if aw mud ha' mi mind on 'em, awd thresh' em to within an inch o' ther +lives! But yo can expect nowt noa better when yo know what a bringin up +they've had." + +"They've had a different bringin up to what ony o' thine's likely to +have, but whativer comes o' ther bringin up, yo'll have to pay for that +winder, for it isn't th' first he's brokken, an' if yo dooant, next time +I catch him, awl have it aat ov his booans.' + +"Let me catch thee ligging a finger o' one o' mine, an' awl mak this +fold too little for thee, an' sharply too; ha can ta fashion! A gurt +strappin woman like thee, to mell ov a child? Tha owt to be 'shamed o' +thi face! But tha has noa shame an' niver had." + +"Well if tha's ony its nobbut latly come to thi! Awve too much shame to +come hooam druffen of a neet after th' neighbors has getten to bed." + +"Whoas come hooam druffen? Does ta mean to say 'at aw wor iver druffen? +Aw'll mak thee prove thi words if ther's a law 'ith land 'at can do it! +Aw'll let thee see 'at my keracter is as gooid as onybody's, an' a deal +better nor sich as thine." + +"Aw niver sed who it wor 'at coom hooam druffen, but aw dar say tha can +guess." + +"If its onnybody its thisen! gurt brussen thing 'at tha art! Who is it +'at sends ther poor husband to his wark wi' a sup o' teah an' dry cake, +an' then cooks a beefsteak to ther own breakfast? Can ta tell me that?" + +"If aw connot, tha can, an' that isn't all;--can ta tell me who it is +'at invites th' neighbors to rum and teah 'ith' after nooin, when they +know th' husband's gooin to work ovver? Can ta tell me that?" + +"Well, if ther's been onny rum an' teah stirrin, tha's allus takken +gooid care to have thi share on it, but they've allus been wimmen 'ats' +come to awr haase when th' maister's been aat, that's one blessin." + +"Does ta meean to say 'at ther's onny fellies been to awr haase when th' +husband's been off? Tha'd better mind what tha says or else that cap o' +thine ul suffer!" + +"Aw dooant say onny fellies has been;--tha should know th' best, but awm +nawther blind nor gaumless. But aw'll tell th' what tha art;--Tha'rt a +nasty, ill contrived gooid-for-nowt, an' all th' neighbors say soa, an' +they wish to gooidness tha'd flit, an' all at belangs to thi, for ther's +niver onny peace whear tha ar't." + +"Noa, an' ther niver will be onny peace wol tha pays for yond winder! +Does ta think fowk's nowt else to do wi' ther brass, but to put in +winders for yor Alick to mash?" + +"Aw tell thi he hasn't mash'd it, for he's niver cross'd th' doorstun +sin he gate up. Th' fact is he's niver getten up yet, for he isn't at +hooam, for he's aboon twenty miles off, at his gronmothers." + +"Dooant tell me that! Ther's awr Vaynus comin, he knows who mash'd it. +Vaynus! Who wor it 'at mash'd yond winder? Nah tell a lie at thi +peril,--did ta see it brokken?" + +"Eea, aw saw Topsy jump up at th' birdcage, an' it missed it click an' +tumbled throo th' winder." + +"A'a I drabbit that cat! Aw'll as sure screw its neck raand as awm +livin!" + +"Nah tha sees, aw tell'd thi it worn't awr Aleck!" + +"Noa, it couldn't ha been! Are ta sure tha saw yond cat do it, Vaynus?" + +"Eea awm sure aw saw it." + +"Why then it wornt yor Alick! An aw hardly thowt it wor, for he's abaat +as quiet a lad an' as daycent a one as ther is abaat here. Aw oft tell +awrs to tak a lesson throo him." + +"Ther's noa better lad iver breathed nor awr Alick;--aw dooant say'at +he's better nor onnybody's else, but he's as gooid. An' awm sure tha's a +lot ov as fine childer as onnybody need set e'en on, an' if they are a +bit wild, what can yo expect when ther's soa monny on 'em. But aw mun +get these clooas dried wol ther's a bit o' druft. Wi' ta leean me that +clooas prop o' thine agean?" + +"Vaynus! What are ta dooin? Goa fetch that prop this minit, an' see 'at +tha allus brings it when tha sees her weshin, withaat lettin her allus +have to ax for it." + +"Well, awm soa glad it worn't awr Alick 'at mashed that winder." + +"Soa am aw, awd rayther it had been one o' mi own bi th' hauf. What time +does ta think tha'll ha done weshin?" + +"Abaat four o'clock if awm lucky." + +"Well, wi ta step across an' have a cup o' teah wi us?" + +"Eea, aw dooant mind if aw do." + + + + +"Owd Tommy." + +(A Yorkshire Sketch.) + + +Of all the seasons of the year,--that portion when winter treads upon +the skirts of the retiring autumn, always seems to me to be most deeply +fraught with sorrowful associations. A few short weeks before, one has +beheld the year in stately pride, loaded with blessings, and adorned in +nature's most luxurious garb, waters in silvery streams have lightly +leaped and bounded in the shadow of the waving ferns,--and little +flowers have nodded on the brink and peered into the crystal depths, as +though in love with their reflected loveliness;--the little hills have +decked their verdant breasts with floral gems, and the frowning crags +have seemed to smile, and from their time-worn crevices have thrust some +wandering weed, whose emerald tints have lent a soothing softness to the +hard outline of their rugged fronts. The feathered songsters on untiring +wing, have flitted in the sunny sky, pouring forth melodious sounds in +thankfulness and joy, as though their little hearts were filled too full +of happiness and overflowed in drops of harmony. + +Light fleecy cloud's like floating heaps of down have sailed along the +azure sky, casting their changing shadows on the earth, whilst sighing +winds have whispered soothing songs amongst the rustling leaves, and +ripened fruits have hung in tempting show their sun-burnt fronts, +courting the thirsty lip, to tell us in their silent eloquence that the +year has gained its prime. + +Even when the ice-king reigns, and howlling storms drive with remorseless +fury o'er the plains, or wreck their vengeance on the sturdy +woods,--roaring amongst the pliant branches, and entwining around the +knarled trunks, uprooting some as though in sport to show its giant +strength. And the cascade which formerly leaped forth from sylvan nooks +where the wild flowers half hid its source, and bathed themselves in the +ascending mist,--now roaring down in sullied swollen force, bearing +along the wrecks of summer beauties,--tumbling and hissing through its +frost bordered bed,--growling in foaming rage around the rocks which +here and there protrude their sullen face to check its mad career;--even +this has much of majesty and beauty, and claims our admiration. But when +some glories of the autumn yet remain, and e'er stern winter has usurped +the sway,--one wide-wide field of death and desolation is all that's +left for man to ponder over;--fading flowers, trembling and shrinking in +the raw cold blast;--half naked trees, that day by day present a more +weird aspect--fields still green, but stripped of every gem;--whilst +still some russet warbler may be heard chirping in sorrow and distress, +and heavy looking clouds anxious to screen the cheering ray, which now +and then bursts forth with sickly smile, that seems like ill-timed mirth +amongst the dead. + +On such a time as this, and in the early Sabbath morning, might be seen +a stalwart farmer strolling o'er the hills which command a view of the +little but interesting village of Luddenden. + +I do not think that the dreary look of decaying beauties had much effect +upon him,--the pale blue smoke that issued from his mouth, in measured +time, seemed to afford him every consolation. He evidently saw some one +approaching in whom he was interested. Having satisfied himself that he +was not mistaken, he began talking aloud:-- + +"Oi! that's him sure enough; nah whativer can owd Tommy want laumering +over thease hills at this time o'th' morning? He's a queer chap, takkin +him all i' all; an' still if ought should happen him aw doant know where +they'd find his marrow; he's been th' same owd Tommy iver sin aw wor a +lad, an' aw'm noa chicken nah--he said--stroking a few grey hairs, +which, like a tuft of frosted grass, adorned his ruddy cheeks. Aw sud +think he's saved a bit o' brass bi this time, for he wor allus a nipper; +but he wor allus honest, an' it isn't ivery man yo meet i'th world 'at's +honest; but aw doant think Tommy ud wrang ony body aght o'th' vally o' +that;"--saying which, he snapped his finger and thumb together to denote +its worthlessness. + +A few minutes more and Tommy might be plainly seen slowly ascending the +somewhat rugged road toward the spot where stood the farmer leaning +against the wall awaiting him. I could not better occupy the time that +intervenes than endeavour to picture the approaching traveller. His age +I would not dare to guess, he might be 60, or he might be 90. He was a +short thick-set man, and rather bent, but evidently more from habit than +from weight of years. He wore a long blue coat which plainly spoke of +years gone by, and bore in many places unmistakable evidence that Tommy +was no friend to tailors; beneath this an old crimson plush waistcoat, +that had long since done its duty, some drab knee-breeches, and a pair +of dark grey stockings which hid their lower extremities in a pair of +shoes about large enough to make two leather cradles; on his head a hat +that scorned to shine, and in his hand he carried an oaken staff; his +small grey eyes glistened with a spark of latent wit, whilst on his face +was stamped in unequivocal characters some quaint originality. + +"Gooid morning, Tommy," said the farmer. + +"Gooid morning Dick," replied Tommy, "it's a nice day ower th' head but +fearful heavy under th' fooit." + +"You're reight," said Dick, "but where are yo trapesing to this +morning?" + +"Waw, aw'm gooin as far as Dick's o' Tom's at th' Durham, to get my tooa +nails cut," said Tommy. + +"Well, yo'll happen bait a bit and ha a wiff o' bacca wi' me, for its a +long time sin aw saw yo afoor," said Dick. + +"Waw, aw dooant mind if aw have a rick or two, but aw munnot stop long, +for it luks rayther owercussen up i'th' element; but ha's that lad o' +thine getting on sin he wed quiet Hannah lass? Aw've wondered sometimes +if he wod'nt rue his bargain,--is shoo as fat as sho wor?" + +"Eea, shoo keeps i' varry gooid order, shoo puts her mait into a better +skin nor th' mooast; they didn't hit it soa well at th' furst, for shoo +wor varry waspish, an' tha knows awr Joa's as queer as Dick's hatband, +when he's put aght a bit. One morning, abaght a wick after they wor wed, +Joa woran't varry weel, an' had to ligg i' bed a bit,--shoo gate up to +muck th' beeas,--(for shoo can do a job like that, tha knows, when +shoo's a mind.)" + +"Eea! eea!" said Tommy, "noabody better,--shoo's a pair o' gooid +end,--shoo's nooan afeared o' dipping her finger i' water, nut shoo." + +"Well, aw tell thi, shoo gate up, an' in a while shoo call'd aght 'at +his porridge wor ready when he liked to come daan, an' then shoo went +aght. Soa in a bit, he gate up, an' th' pan wor stood o' th' rib +flopping away rarely. Well, he gate a plate, an' thowt he'd tern' em +aght to cooil, when asteead o' porrige, aght come th' dish claat slap on +to his fooit;--talk abaght single step doncing!--tha should just ha seen +him; he ommost lauped clean ower th' breead flaik;--an' thear shoo stood +grinning at him throo th' winder, an' he wor soa mad--he wuthered th' +pan fair at her head;--he miss'd his aim an' knock'd th' canary cage to +smithereens, th' cat gate th' burd, an' th' pan fell into th' churn. +Nah, what wod ta think ov a thing like that?" + +"Waw, its just loike one ov her tricks;-tha knows shoo wor allus a +trimmer o' one, Dick." + +"Shoo wor, Tommy, an shoo allus will be to her deeing day. It put awr +Joa into a awful passhian, but shoo didn't care a pin, shoo said shoo'd +lived too long near a wood' to be fear'd ov a hullet,--but they're as +reight as Dick and Liddy nah. Aw'll tell thi ha that happens. Tha knows, +awr Joa allus thowt a deeal ov his mother, an he wanted th' wife to do +i'th' same way; an one morning shoo' wor neighding th' dooaf, when Joa +says, 'Mally', that isn't th' way to neighd, my mother allus 'used to do +soa;'--an' he wor baan to show' haa; Shoo made noa mooar to do, but +lauped into th' middle o'th' bowl wi' her clogs on, an' started o' +traiding it wi' her feet, an' shoo says, 'does thi mother do soa?' After +that, he let her have it mooastly to her own way, an' they seem to get +on varry weel amang it nah--an' if he keeps steady they're putting it +together nicely. An' what have yo fresh, Tommy?" + +"Nay, nowt 'at means ought aw think, Dick--but aw'd like to been +pooisened t'other wick, but as luck let, aw wor noa war." + +"Pooisened! Tommy, nay, surelee nut." + +"Yos, but aw had--tha sees aw live at th' Ee'Gurnard, an' aw'd just been +into th' mistal wi' young maister William, an' he'd been holding th' +canel for me whol aw siled th' milk, an' he wor full ov his marlocks an' +bluzzed th' canel up mi nooas an' put it aght,--he's a shocker." + +"Waw, Tommy, yo wodn't be pooisened wi' a canel, aw'll niver believe?" + +"Noa, but as aw wor telling thi, aw'd been i'th' mistal, an' aw went +into th' kitchen for a bit o' summat to ait. Aw saw some fat o'th' ooven +top in a pot, soa aw gate some breead an' ait it up. Aw thowt it wor +fearful gooid an' savored summat aw'd niver had afoor; but just when +aw'd finished it, one o'th' young mistresses come daan an' axed me what +aw'd done wi' what wor i'th' pot? Soa aw tell'd her aw'd etten it. Etten +it!!' shoo skriked. 'Etten it!! Why,' shoo says, 'yo'll be pooisened, +Tommy, its pumatum!' Well, aw says, 'pumatum or net, aw've etten +it,'--an' away shoo ran an' browt th' maister an' th' mistress, an' all +t'other fowk i'th' haase, an' rarely they laffed tha minds; but maister +made me a glass o' rum to settle it, an' aw felt noa mooar on it." + +"Well," said Dick, "tha mayn't feel it nah, but aw shouldn't be capped +if thi inside wor to grow full o' ringlets." + +"Niver heed that, they'll keep mi belly warm," said Tommy, "but th' +bacca's done, soa aw mun be making mi way shorter. Gooid day, Dick." + +"Gooid day, Tommy. Aw hope tha'll have a fine day for thi walk." + +"Eea, eea, aw hope aw shall, but if it rains aw sholl'n't melt." + +"Nooah, but its rayther coolish." + +"It'll be warmer as it gets ooater, Dick. Gooid day." + +And thus the two friends parted; each smiling at the quaint humor of the +other;--the one to climb seven miles of rough and heavy road to get his +toe nails cut, and the other to pay an early visit to his son, and rest +his limbs, which by six days of willing toil had earned a Sabbath's +rest. He walked slowly, musing as he went, and every now and again +making audible the current of his thoughts. + +"Its monny a long year sin aw saw owd Tommy before, an' it may be monny +a long year before aw see his face agean; aw think owd Time must use him +wi' a gentler hand nor he uses me. Aw remember th' first time aw saw +him, he wor coming past th' churn milk Joan, wi' a lump o' parkin in his +hand as big as awr ooven top; an' that wor th' day 'at Jenny an' me wor +wed. It seems like a dream to me nah. Poor Jenny!--if there's a better +place, tha'rt nooan soa far off thear!" And then he paused to wipe the +heavy drops from off his cheeks. "Aw thowt aw'd getten ower this sooart +o' thing, nah he sed, but aw believe aw niver shall. Its just five year +come Easter sin aw laid her low, an awve niver been able to aford a +grave stooan for her yet, but aw can find that bit o' rising graand +withaat a mark, an prize it nooan the less. But its noa gooid freating +abaght things we cannot help. Aw'll have another reek or two an' goa an' +see awr Joa." So filling his little black clay pipe with the fragrant +weed (which for convenience he carried loose in his waistcoat pocket), +he puffed his cloud of incense in the air and hastened on to gain his +journey's end. A walk of a few minutes brought him to the door of a low +whitewashed farm-house, around which the cans were reared, ready to be +filled with the morning's milk. He ventured in, (first carefully +removing all the mire from his shoes, lest he should soil the nicely +sanded floor,) and drawing up the old arm chair which shone like +polished ebony,--he looked around the strange apartment. "Its a queer +fancy (he said at last) at Mally should be soa fond o' pots,--what +ther's mooar here nor what ud start a shop; it saves th' expense of +slapdashing onyway." And he was right, for, from floor, to ceiling, and +along the old oak beams, appeared one medley of crockery--pots of all +sizes--cups and plates of all shapes and patterns were hung or reared +against the wall until it was impossible to find another place where one +might be displayed; and on the mantle shelf, a long array of china +images of fortune-telling gipsies, guarded at each end by what was +supposed to represent a dog--they might resemble dogs, but surely such a +breed exists not now, for if there was a point about them to recommend, +it was what Mally often said, "They ait nowt." In a short time both Joe +and Mally made their apperance--health bloom on their cheeks, and with +a hearty welcome prepared the morning's meal. A clean white cloth spread +on as clean a table, the requisite pots, the fresh churned butter, and +the wheaten bread was all that was displayed to tempt them to the meal; +but it was all that was required, for appetite gave relish to the plain +repast, and many a wealthy man in stately rooms, with every luxury +around, might well have envied them their simple fare, sweetened by +labor, and so well enjoyed--whilst savory meats, of which they never +knew, in vain invited him whose satiated tastes loathed every dish. But +the old farmer did not seem at ease, and when the meal was over--after a +short conversation, he bade them both good day, and turned his steps +towards his lonely home. Perhaps it was the son who called up in the old +man's mind some thoughts of former days--or perhaps the train of thought +he had indulged in previously might have laid a load of gloom upon him; +but, be it as it may, he seemed inclined to spend the day under his own +roof tree. + +The winter came and spread its spotless snows o'er hills and dales; the +wild winds wailed; the woodman's axe echoed amidst the woods; the song +birds fled; the dauntless redbreast twittered on the window sills; the +cawing rooks wended their weary way in solemn flight. The spring again, +like a young bashful maid, came smiling upon old Winter's track; the +field's looked gay again; and trees seemed vieing which could first be +drest in verdant green. The Summer followed on, the sun shone o'er the +fields of ripening grass; the mowers scythe was dipped in fragrant dews, +and Flora bounteously bestowed her favorite flowers. Autumn succeeded, +and once more the' eye was gladdened with the bearded grain, waving in +golden splendour in the breeze;--again the luscious fruits are tempting +one to pluck; and soon again the year,--weary with its labors, prepares +to sleep, and desolation reigns. + +'Tis Sunday morning, and the sun looks down through murky mists;--the +ground is slightly hardened with the nipping frost; here and there some +hardy flower endeavours to look gay:--the tolling bell rings out its +morning call, and straggling groups wend their way to worship in the +village church. But on the hill, which rises high above, was stood a man +in deep and earnest thought. One could scarcely have believed that the +pale, aged looking man, who dressed in sombre black was standing and +looking over the quiet scene, was the stalwart farmer, who just one year +before was holding converse with old Tommy;--but he begins to speak. + +"Its just twelve months to day," he said, "sin aw wor talking to him o' +this varry spot, an nah he's gooan, an awm left to attend his funeral: +ther's nowt to feel sorry for 'at aw know on, but when an owd face is +noa mooar, 'at one's been used to see--it tells a tale 'at's easy +understood;--it leaves a gap i'th' world 'at's never shut--it bids us to +prepare an reckon up awr life to see if all's as we could like it to +be,--an' use what time's left to square accounts,--soa's when we're +called to 'liver up, we may be ready. Jenny wor ready, an soa wor Tommy. +It isn't ivery man yo meet i'th world 'at's honest." + + + + +It Mud ha' been War. + + +If iver onybody had th' luck to get off th' wrang side o'th' bed ivery +mornin, an' to allus be gettin into scrapes all th' day long, it 'wor +Jack throo' th' Jumpels. It seemed as if some evil genius wor allus +abaat makkin spooart on him. If he gate mezzured for a suit o' clooas, +th' tailor wor sure to tak th' length ov his coit sleeves for his +britches slops, or else mak 'em after another mezzur altogether; awther +soa mich too big wol he luk'd like a wanderin bedtick seekin th' flocks, +or else soa mich too little wol he used to send his arm's an' legs soa +far throo, till yo'd fancy he'd niver be able to get 'em back. But wi' +all his bad luck, an' i' spite o' all th' scrapes he gate into, he wor a +varry gooid-hearted chap, an' iverybody 'at knew him gave him a gooid +word. He went to see a hont o' his one day, an' he'd donned his best +duds, an' he couldn't help thinkin as he wor gooin whether be should be +able to keep aght ov a mess or net, an' as he knew his hont wor a varry +particlar body, he detarmined to do his varry best. When he gate to th' +door he saw' at shoo'd nobbut just scarr'd th' steps, an' he luk'd at +his feet an' thowt it wod be a pity to put sich mucky booits on to sich +nice wark, soa he went raand to th' back yard; but when he gate thear +th' door wor fesand, soa he thowt th' best plan wod be to climb over th' +wall, for as it wor th' middle o'th' day, an' all th' fowk i'th' tother +haases could see what wor gooin' on, he knew shoo'd niver forgive him +for callin her aght if shoo didn't happen to be weshed an' tidied; soa +up he climbed, an' as it wor twice as deep o'th' tother side he worn't +disappointed to see a big tub just standin nicely ready to step on to; +soa ovver he jumpt, an' as might be expected, th' top gave way, an' he +varry sooin fan hissen up to th' middle i' pig-mait. But he nawther +stamped nor sware nor made a din like mooast fowk wod ha' done--for he'd +getten soa use to messes o' one sooart an' another wol he'd begun to tak +'em as a matter o' cooarse. + +"Well, here's another bit o' my luk," he sed; "this is another mullock +aw've getten into, soa aw mun get aght on it someway; it's noa use +freeatin' abaat what cannot be helped, an' ther's one consolation, it +mud ha' been war." Just as he wor scramlin' aght, his hont coom to see +what wor to do, but shoo didn't fly into a pashon as yo might fancy. +"Hallo, Jack!" shoo says, "aw thowt it must be thee; tha's dropt in for +it another time, has ta?" + +"Eea, aw reckon aw have, but if aw havn't spoilt th' swill aw dooant +care." + +"Oh, aw'll forgie thi that, lad; tha's'made a nice pictur o' thisen, +reight enuff; aw could just like thi fottagraff takkin nah, but come thi +ways in." + +"Nay, hont aw'll nooan come in i' this state; aw'll call agean some +other day, for awst mak nowt but muck." + +"Niver heed th' muck; come thi ways in, for tha lukes like a hauf-draand +ratten; tha'll catch thi deeath o' cold if tha hasn't summat warm. Come +in an doff them clooas, an' aw'll see if aw connot find some o' thi +uncles 'at'll fit thi wol thine's fit to put on agean. Aw niver did see +sich a mess i' all my life. Th' idea ov a chap fallin' up to' th' middle +in a swill-tub!" + +"Why, its net varry nice, reight enuff, but it mud ha' been war, hont." + +"Aw wonder ha," shoo sed. + +"Why, if aw'd gooan ovver th' heead." + +"Well, that wodn't ha' made, things ony better, truly; but th' next time +'at tha'rt comin' ovver that way just let me know, an' aw'll have that +tub aght o'th' gate. Goa thi ways into th' chamer an' change them +stinkin' things, an' then come an' sit thi daan an' let's tawk to thi a +bit, an' see if aw can get ony sense aght on thi, for aw'm sure nubdy +can put ony in." + +"All serene," sed Jack, an he went an' changed his clooas, an' when he'd +getten donned afresh he coom daan stairs an' sat daan i'th' arm-cheer +beside th' fire. "Yea-a-aw! yea-a-aw!" went summat, an' up he sprang as +if th' cheer-bottom wor redwoot. "A'a, tha gurt gaumless fooil!" sed his +hont, "couldn't ta see a cat an' three kittens? Aw do believe tha's +killed 'em ivery one! Poor little things!" Nay, nay, aw niver did see +sich a thing i' all my life! tha's killed 'em all three, an' it's a +wonder tha hasn't killed th' old cat an' all. Dear-a-me, aw did intend +draandin 'em to-morn, an' to think 'at they should be squeezed to deeath +this way, Aw shalln't get ovver it for monny a day." + +"Well, aw'm varry sooary, hont; but aw niver saw' em, iw'm sure. Whoiver +expected to find a cat an' three kittens in a arm-cheer? But let's be +thankful, for it mud ha' been war." + +"Nay, net it! it couldn't ha' been war nor it is: tha's killed em, an' +tha couldn't do ony moor if tha'd to try." "Well, but aw mud ha' killed +th' old cat as weel, yo know." + +"What does ta say? Killed awr Tibby? Tha'd better keep thi heels this +rooad as long as iver tha lives nor think o' sich a thing, for aw browt +her up wi a spooin throo being blind, an' aw wodn't swap her for all th' +cats i'th' world. An' if it had been anybody else nor thee 'at had done +this, they'd ha' heeard a bit o' my tongue, aw con tell thi; but, +haiver, it is as it is, soa sit thi daan. Tha's noa need to luk soa +jaylus, mun, ther's nowt under thi nah but a wish in; tha luks as white +as a gooast; aw expect tha's getten thi deeath o' cold, but aw'll get +thi a sup o' whiskey, an' see if that'll warm thi a bit." + +Shoo went to th' cubbard an' browt aght a bottle, an' put it onto th' +table, teld him to help hissen. "Tha's noa need to be flaid on it," shoo +sed, "it's some o'th' reight sooart; it's what thi uncle allus taks when +he ails owt, an' aw believe if th' time iver comes when a sup o' that +willn't cure him, it'll be a case o' curran cake an slow walkin: for aw +believe its saved his life manny a scoor times already, an' it's a deeal +cheeaper nor doctor's physic." + +Jack tem'd some into a glass an gate a gooid swig; an' if yo could ha' +seen his face yo'd niver ha' done ony moor gooid. If it had been +stricknine he couldn't ha' pooled a faaler mug. "What's th' matter," +shoo says, "is it to strong?" + +"Aw dooant know whether it's to strong or net," he said, "but it's aght +ov a different tap to what aw'm used to; just yo taste, an' lets see ha +yo like it." + +"It's thi maath 'at's aght o' order, mun; it's a drop o' old Slicer's +best, an' aw'm sure ther's noa better to be getten abaat this quarter. +Aw dooant reckon to tak owt to sup misen," shoo sed, "but aw'll just +taste wi' thi." + +"Eea, do, sup it up, aw'm sure tha'rt welcome, for aw've had enuff." + +Shoo gate a drop into her maath, but it coom aght agean sharper nor it +went in; aw thowt her heart ud come up. "A'a dear! a'a dear!" shoo says, +"it's Harryget watter! it's Harryget watter! aw've made a t'mistak!' +aw've made a mistak! but it's just thi luck." + +"Eea, aw expected yo'd say soa; it's allus put daan to my luck, whether +it's my mistak or somdy else's; but it mud ha' been war." + +"Thear, tha'rt at it agean; aw believe if it h'ad been pooisen tha'd +say soa; but, here, sithee, try this bottle; aw fancy tha'll find +this'll run daan better nor th' last." Soa he made hissen a drop, an' +after tawkin' a bit abaat ha things wor gooin on in a reglar way, he +axed if his uncle wor varry weel. + +"Yos, he's varry weel, aw think; at ony rate, he wor all, reight when he +left here at braikfast time. Aw'm just gettin his dinner ready, an' tha +con tak it him if tha's a mind; tha'll find him up i'th' brickfield +yonder, doom summat at th' old well." + +Jack sed he'd be glad to goa, for he wanted to see him befoor he went +back, soa as sooin as all wor ready he set off an' went towards th' +well, but befoor he gate up to it he 'heeard his uncle shaatin an' +bawlin an' gooin on as it he wor mad. "What's to do, uncle?" he sed as +sooin as he gate up to him, "whativer's to do?" + +"Do! it's enuff to drive me cracked, aw do declare! Here have aw had a +lot o' chaps leadin watter to this old well for monny an' monnya day, so +as we can pump it as we want it into that long field, an' aw'm blowed if +summat hasn't getten to th' valve or summat, an' ther willn't a drop +come." + +"Why what will yo have to do nah!" sed Jack. + +"Do I what can aw do? Ther's nowt for it nah but for somdy to goa daan +an' set it reight, an' aw'm far to old for sich a job'." + +"If that's all," sed Jack, "aw think aw con scrammel daan that pipe; ha +deep is is it?" + +"It's nobbut abaat fifty feet, an' ther's a gooid flange to rest on at +ivery two yards, but aw hardly dar let thi try, for tha maks si'ch a +mess o' iverything." + +"Dooant yo freeat abaat that; aw'll goa daan, just see." + +"Well, mind what tha'rt dooin', for ther's a gooid deeal o' watter in +nah." Jack began to slide daan, one length at a time, an in a bit he +called aght "all reight." + +"C'an ta raik th' valve," sed his uncle. + +"Eea, but aw cannot stir it unless yo send me a hammer daan." + +"Well, stop thear wol aw fotch one, an' aw'll lower it daan wi' a bit o' +band." An' away he ran to th' bottom o'th' next held for a hammer. He'd +getten abaaf hauf way daan, when up comes another looad o' watter, drawn +bi two horses, an' two men wi' em. + +"This'll be my last looad to-day, Jeffry," sed one to his mate. + +"An' aw'm glad on it," sed Jeffry; "aw wonder if th' gaffer's getten th' +valve altered yet; he wor sayin' summat abaat it when aw coom wi' th' +last barrel." + +"Aw can't say, aw'm sure; but another barrelful can't mak soa mich +difference, whether he has or net, soa here goas." As sooin as he sed +that, he knocked a gurt bung aght o'th' back o'th' barrel, an a stream +as thick as mi leg began paarin daan th' well. It wor a gooid job for +Jack 'at he happened to be claspin his arms raand th' pipe, for if he +hadn't he'd ha' been swum ovver th' heead, an' noa mistak; an' as it +wor, he could hardly get a bit o' breeath, for th' watter seemed to +spreead aght like a sheet, an drive all th' air aght. He did try to +shaat once or twice, but it wor noa use, for th' watter made sich a din +wol nubdy could hear him. + +It didn't tak th' uncle aboon three or four minits to fotch th' hammer, +an' as he war comin with it he saw this wattercart bein emptied into th' +well, an' his heart gave ovver beeatin for abaat a minit; then he set up +sich a shaat, an' ran at sich a speed, wol th' chaps wondered what could +be to do. "Hold on!" he sed, "for goodness sake, hold on! Didn't yo know +'at my neffy wor i'th' well?" "Noa bi th' heart did we!" an' th' barrel +wor bunged up in a crack, an' th' uncle bawled daan th' well as laad as +he could, "Jack, if tha'rt draanded spaik! He's deead sure enuff," he +said; "one on yo goa daan an' see if yo con bring up his body." Just +then coom a saand o' summat knockin th' pipe at th' bottom, an' th' +uncle called aght, "Jack, whear are ta?" + +"Aw should think yo've a gooid nooation whear aw am," sed Jack, "aw've +managed th' job, soa nah aw'm comin up; luk aght an' give me a lift." As +sooin as his heead wor within th' raich ov his uncle's fist, he collared +hold ov his toppin, an niver let goa agean wol he stood o' safe graand. +"By gow, Jack, tha's given me a shock; awst be some time afoor aw get +ovver this; tha owt to manage better nor soa; it's like as if ivery +thing tha touches tha maks a mess on it." + +"That's reight, uncle, lig it o' me! But aw wonder whether yo or me gate +th' mooast ov a shock. Aw should fancy it wor me." + +"Well, reight enuff, lad, it wor'nt a nice place to be in, an' that suit +o' clooas 'll niver be fit to be seen agean." + +"Noa, aw dooant think they will," sed Jack; "but it mud ha' been war, +for they arn't mine." + +"Why, whoa's are they? aw thowt as tha coom up 'at tha luk'd varry +respectable." + +"Aw dooant know whoa's ther reightful owner, uncle, but mi hont has lent +'em me to put on wol mine gate dried, for, yo know, aw've been i'th' +swill-tub once today." + +"Why, then, that's my best Sundy suit 'at tha's gooan an spoiled! aw +wonder 'at thi hont had noa moor sense nor to leean 'em to thee." + +"Aw wonder aw'd noa moor sense nor to goa daan that well to spoil 'em, +for it's nooan a nice hoil to be in, an' when aw've a shaar-bath, aw'd +rayther have it withaat onybody's clooas." + +"Well, let's lig away, an' get hooam as fast as we can, for thi hont'll +mak a noise aw'll bet, soa we mud as weel get it ovver as sooin as +possible." + +They went hooam an' tuk th' uncle's dinner back wi 'em, an' as sooin as +shoo saw Jack shoo rested her neives on her huggens, an lukkin at him +throo heead to fooit sed, "What's ta been doin nah; can't ta stur +withaat gettin into a scrape?" + +"Well it seems net, for if aw dooant get into a mess misen, ther's somdy +gets me into one." + +"Tha'll keep me dryin cloas for thee, aw can see that; but goa upstairs +an' put on thi own duds, an' awl see if aw can fettle them up at tha has +on." + +"Awm sooary to give yo soa mich trouble, but then it mud ha been war, if +awd gooan daan an' niver come up." + +"Tha'd ha been noa loss, lad, tha needn't think; but luk as sharp as tha +con, for aw've begun to get th' teah ready." + +"Awl net be long," he sed, an' wol he wor changin his clooas th' uncle +tell'd her all 'at had happen'd, on shoo laff'd wol her face wor as red +as a turkey cock. + +When Jack coom daan th' table wor set an' all ready for th' teah, an' +th' uncle an' hont had takken ther places at th' table. + +"Come sit thi daan," sed his hont; "but before tha +does, just hand me th' tea pot off th' rib; an' mind, for th' +hanel's hot." + +"Awl mind," he sed; an' as he began to think he'd had mishaps enuff for +one day, he thowt he'd steer clear ov ony moor, an' soa as he'd been +wan'd th' hanel wor hot, he tuk hold o'th' spaat, an' he'd hardly getten +a yard away throo th' fire wi' it, when a streeam o' boilin teah began +to run daan th' inside ov his jacket sleeve; but he held on like a man, +an' he wor detarmined he'd land it on to th' table, soa he ran wi' it +an' bang'd it into th' middle o'th' tea things, smashin cups an' saucers +an' upsettin th' sugar basin an' th; creeam jug, an' makkin sich a mash +as yo niver saw. + +Up jumpt booath hont and uncle. "Just luk at my yollo satin dress," sed +his hont; "it'll niver be fit to be seen agean!" + +"If tha doesn't tak thysen aght o' this haase," sed his uncle, "awl +pawse thi aght, for tha's made moor bother sin tha coom in nor enuff." + +But poor Jack wor sufferin badly, which his hont (woman like) noa +sooiner saw nor shoo forgave him all th' damage he'd done, an' went to +sympathise with him. His arm wor varry badly scalded, an' soa shoo put +some traitle an' flaar on it, an' lapp'd it up, an' then he sed he thowt +it wor time he trudged hooam. "Aw wish tha'd trudged long sin," sed his +uncle, "an' if tha doesn't come here agean wol aw send for thi, tha +willn't come yet a bit." + +Jack gate his hat an' wor just gooin aght, when they discovered 'at it +wor rainin varry fast. "Awl leean thi a umberella," said his hont, "but +aw dooant think awst iver see it agean, but as tha's been wet throo +twice to-day aw think tha's had baat enuff." + +He took th' umberella an' went to th' door, an' they follow'd him to bid +him gooid day. + +He shoved th' umbrella under his arm, an' held aght his hand, "Gooid bye +hont, wol aw see yo agean." "Confaand thy stupid heead!" shaated aght +th' uncle. + +"What's up nah?" sed Jack. + +"Can't ta see? Tha's shoved th' end o' that umberella stick reight into +mi e'e." + +"Why, awm varry sooary," sed Jack, "but it mud ha' been war!" + +"Ha could it ha' been war, softheead?" + +"Why if awd shoved it into' em booath," sed Jack as he hooked it, for he +thowt he'd better be goin. + +Whether he landed hooam withaat ony moor mishaps or net aw cannot say; +but varry likely net. But aw think, we've follow'd him far enuff for +once, an' yo can form yor own opinion ov what sooart ov a chap he wor, +but altho we're inclined to laugh at sich a chap, yet they've happen as +mich wisdom as some 'at think they've moor; an' a chap's moor to be +envied nor pitied 'at can console hissen wi' thinkin 'at haiver bad +things are, 'at they mud hai been war. + + + + +Ha a Dead Donkey Towt a Lesson. + + +Respectfully dedicated to my ill-used long-eared friend, + +Neddy Bray + + Some fowk choose one thing, some another, + To grace ther prose or rhyme; + Some sneerin say 'at tha'lot my brother, + Maks me choose thee for mine; + Well, let 'em sneer owd Neddy lad, + Or laff at my selection, + Who fail to see ther type i' thee + Are void o' mich perception.-- + Ther's things more stupid nor an ass, + An things more badly treated, + Tho' we ait beef, an' tha aits grass, + May be we're just related. + Throo toil an' trouble on tha jogs, + An' then like ony sinner, + Tha dees, an' finds a meal for th' dogs;-- + We furnish th' worms ther dinner. + +Deemas an' 'Becka used to keep th "Cock an' Bottle," i' awr street. +They'd lived thear iver sin th' haase wor built, an' won iverybody's +gooid word, at worn't particlar abaght a sup o' drink. One day they sent +aght invitashuns to all ther neighbors an' friends to come to a tea +drinkin. Niver mind if ther wornt a rumpus i' that district! Th' chaps +winked when they met one another, an' said "Aw reckon tha'll be at yond +doo?" "Aw mean to be nowt else," they'd reply; an' away they'd trudge i' +joyful anticipation of a reight spree! + +But th' women! Hi! that's it! It's th' women 'ats th' life an' soul ov a +jollificashun yet. They wor buzzin aght o' one door into another just +like a lot o' bees, to see what soa an soa wor gooin in. "What sooart ov +a bonnet art ta baan in Zantippa?" said Susan Stooanthrow; (or rayther +aw should, say, Miss Stooanthrow, for shoo reckoned hersen th' lady o'th +ginnel). + +"Well, aw've nut made up mi mind yet," shoo says; "but aw have thowt aw +should goa, aw hardly know ha'; but what does ta think o' gooin in?" + +"Well, aw suppooas it's ta be a varry spicy affair, soa aw have thowt aw +should goa i' full dress. Yo' see, being a single woman, an' rayther a +stylish shape, aw think it 'ud just suit me. What do yo' think?" + +"Just the varry ticket, lass! Tha' couldn't do better! For, as aw've +mony a time said to Betty Wagstang, ther's noabody con mak up a moor +lady-liker appearance nor what tha con, when tha's a mind! But talkin' +abaght Betty, has ta seen that new cap o' hers?" + +"Do yo' mean that shoo bowt up th' street t'other wick?" + +"Th' same! Did ta iver see onybody luk sich a flaycrow i' all thi life? +Her heead reminds me ov a gurt pickled cabbage. Shoo doesn't keep up her +colour wi' nowt, tha may depend on't. Awther shoo can mak brass goa +farther nor other fowk, or else summat else; but they tell me 'at thers +nut mony shopkeepers abaght here but what has her name daan ofter nor +they like. But that's noa business o' mine." + +"Aw shouldn't be at all apprised at that, for aw've heeard fowk say 'at +her family wor allus fond o' summat to sup afoor shoo wor born, an' they +niver had a gooid word at th' shops. Is she gooin' ta be at this swarry? + +"At this what does ta say, Susy?" + +"Aw said swarry, some fowk call it sooary. It means a pairty like yo' +know; it's th' French for a sooart ov a dooment, that's all." + +"Oh, well, awm sooary to say 'at booath her an' her felly gate a invite, +but tha knows we've noa need ta mix up wi' sich like unless we've a +mind. Aw'm capt whativer made Becka ax her, for ther's hardly a woman +i'th ginnel but what had leever goa a' mile another rooad nor meet her; +but aw declare shoo's comin' sailin' daan like a fifty-gun ship! Talk +abaght owd Nick, an' he'll show his horns." + +"Well, Zantippa I aw do declare shoo is! Soa we mun stand it aght, but +aw shall be varry reverse i' my talk, yo'll see." + +"Gooid morning, lasses!" said Betty, burstin' in. "Aw thowt awd just +come daan to see what yo' thowt o' doing abaght this doo at th' Cock." +"Are ta baan Susy?" + +"Yes, aw expect soa, for aw received a 'billy duck' the t'other day, a +askin' ov me to be present, if nothing didn't interspect my 'rangements +no otherwise." + +"Why, Susy! hang it up! sin' tha began o' dressmakin' an' wearin' thi +hair like th' Empress Uginny, wi' all them twists an' twines, aw con +hardly tell what tha means. Are ta studdyin' for a skooilmistress?" + +"Nut exactualy, but yo' see aw' begun to talk a bit moor propperer; for +when aw've to do wi' th' quality fowk, gooid talk an' a gooid redress is +one o'th requirations 'at yo' connot disperse wi'; but aw mun goa mi +departure, for aw've soa mich to execute afoor neet, woll awm fair +consternationed when aw think on it,--for aw've noabody to help me nah, +for my 'prentice has to stop at hooam wi' her fayther." + +"Ho, eea! Why, what's th' matter wi' him, is he badly?" + +"He is; for he hurt his leg a month or two sin', an' he's had to goa to +th' infirmary to get it anticipated." + +"Why, whativer's that, Susy?" + +"To get it cut off, yo' know. But aw munnot stop, soa, gooid day." + +An away Susy flew daan th' ginnel, famously suited wi' th' way shoo'd +capt 'em wi' her scholarship. + +"Well, if iver aw saw sich a flybysky as yond Susy i' all my life, aw'll +niver be trusted. Guy, hang it! shoo mud be as handsome as wax work, +shoo thinks soa mich ov her' sen! But aw fancy shoo'll ha' to dee an owd +maid, for its nooan her sooarts 'at fellies wants. It's all varry weel +to sit nigglin' away wi' a needle an' threed, stickin' bits o' poasies +into cap screeds, an' stich in' mooinshine, but when a chap wants a +wife, he wants somdy 'at con brew, an' bake, an' scaar th' floor. Why, +aw could whip raand hauf a duzzen sich like to my thinkin'! An' when aw +see her screwin' up her maath an' dutchin, an' settin' her cap at ivery +chap shoo sees, it maks mi blooid fair boil in me; an' awm sure, if ther +is a young chap abaght, shoo's wor nor a worm ov a whoot bakstull. Odd +drott it! it caps me 'at fowk should have noa moor sense nor ax sich +like to a party. But ha are ta off for clooas Zantippa? Con ta leean me +a under coit? Aw've all else ready." + +"Nay lass, aw connot; for th' last doo 'at aw wor at aw had to borrow +one o' Susy. Aw've getten one nah, but aw'st want it.' + +"Aw wonder if Susy 'ud leean it me," said Betty, "Aw hardly like to ax +her, for tha sees aw didn't give her the job o' makin' yond cap Tha's +seen mi new cap, hasn't ta?" + +"Eea! aw saw thi have it on t'other day." + +"Well, it's what aw call a nobby un; but awd better net waste ony time, +soa aw'll goa an' see if Susy 'll leean me yond coit. Shoo can nobbut +say noa." An' away went Betty. + +'An' it's to be hooapt shoo will say' Noa, 'for if tha gets it, shoo'll +ha' to luk sharp if iver shoo sees th' edge on it agean,' said Zantippa +"Aw'd leean thee nowt unless awd made up mi mind to pairt wi' it. Aw +dooan't mak' mich o' Susy, but shoo's worth a barrow-looad sich like as +thee. Bith heart! tha'd ma' a daycent looad for a barrow thisen! An' if +all's true aw've heeard, it's nut long sin' tha' wor one, an' had a +bobby for a cooachman. But that's nowt ta me He! gow! it's turned o' +twelve o'clock, an' my chap an' th' childer ul be here to ther dinner! +Consarn it! Aw hate to live amang a lot o' gossippin' fowk sich as ther +is abaght here, noabody con get to do owt. Be hanged, if th' fire isn't +aght! an' aw expect it'll tak' me as long ageean to leet it, coss a'wm +in a hurry. There's niver nowt done reight when a body's in a fullock. +Aw wish ther tea drinkins wor far enuff. Aw'd rayther sail across th' +salt seea nor be put i' sich a mooild as this. Yond's th' bell! An' +they'll be here in a minnit! A'a dear! A woman's wark is niver done!" + +"Aw think it niver is done, bi'th luk on it!" said Dick, as he stept +into th' haase. "Ha' is it thers noa dinner ready? It's as ill as th' +weshin' day, or else war!" + +"Dinner! tha may weel ax abaght th' dinner," said Zantippa, "doesn't ta +see 'at th' place is ful o' reik? Aw dooan't know what tha means to do, +but if we connot have that chimley altered aw know one 'ats baan to +flit." + +"Why, aw niver knew it smook'd afoor; but this fire's nobbut just lit." + +"What's ta been dooin' baght fire?" + +"Fire? does ta want me to be smoord? It's grand for yo' 'at con walk +aght to yo're wark as sooin as yo' get up, an' just come in to yo're +meals an' aght ageean, but yo' niver think o' what's to come o' me 'ats +ta tew amang it throo morn ta neet." + +"Why lass, ha' is it 'at it niver smooks ov a Sunday?" + +"Ha con I tell? tha mun ax it! Can't one o' yo' childer get th' bellus +an' blow a bit, or are yo' baan to stand thear wi' yo're fingers i' +yo're maath woll aw fair drop? But it'll nut allus be soa, yo'll get me +ligg'd low some day, an' then yo'll have ta shift for yoursen." + +After a gooid deal o' botherin' an' grummelin', an' a varry deal o' +wangin' th' cubbord doors, an' clatterin' th' pots abaght, Zantippa +managed to mak' a sup o' coffee an' butter a bit o' bread. Dick didn't +like this, but as he saw his wife wor th' wrang side aght, he thowt, for +th' sake o' peace, he'd say nowt; soa he swallow'd his coffee an' cake +(if nut wi' thankfulness, at least i' quietness), an' then him an' th' +childer budged off. + +"Thear!" said Zantippa, as shoo watched 'em aght o'th seet, "Aw've +managed that varry weel. Aw wod'nt ha' let him know for all th' brass +i'th bank 'at aw'd been talkin' woll aw'd letten th' fire goa aght. Aw +do hooap 'at ther'll nut a wick soul come an' bother me agean to-day, +for aw've niver had time to tak' th' cowks up yet, an' aw've all th' +stockins ta mend' at should ha' been done last wick, an' aw know Dick +hasn't a button left on his halliday shirt, it's time somdy stirred +thersen. Aw dooant know ha' fowk manage 'ats allus gaddin' abaght, aw +declare if aw ammut' allus slavin' at it, aw connot keep things +nowt-bit-like straight. Drabbit it! ('at aw should say sich a word) +ther's Betty comin' agean! Aw'd rayther be stranspoorted to Botny Bay +nor be as aw am. Ther's hardly a minnit but what ther's somdy o' th' +doorstun!" + +Betty coom in smilin' all over her face. "Nah!" shoo says, "aw've +managed, an' aw've come ta see if tha'll goa wi' us, for Susy's baan up +th' street to buy a staylace, an' aw thowt aw'd just goa an' get th' +stink blown off, for aw've cawered i' this yard woll aw'm feear'd awst +grow maald. Put thi bonnet on, an' goa wi' us, we'st be back i' gooid +time." + +"Aw could like to goa, but aw've soa mich to do woll aw hardly dar, for +woll aw wor talkin' to thee an' Susy this fornooin, th' fire went aght, +an' when Dick an' th' childer coom hooam ther wornt a bit o' dinner for +'em." + +"Well, awm capt, 'at tha'll bother wi' cookin' 'em dinners. Aw allus let +awrs tak' ther jock wi' em, it saves a deal o' trouble, an' aw say a +woman's wark enuff, shoo haddles owt shoo gets, an' if we dunnot luk +aght for ussen noabody else will for us. But please thisen, if tha +doesn't tha darn't." + +"Oh! as to that, aw dar goa, but aw've nowt to goa for, an' lots o' wark +at hooam. Aw think aw'd rayther nut." + +"Well, tha'll get noa better on for cawering ith' haase like a moldwarp. +But aw mun goa, for Susy's waitin'." Away went Betty, an' Zantippa +ommost rued 'at shoo hadn't goan too: but it wor nobbut for a minit, for +shoo teed her apron string a bit tighter, tuck'd up her sleeves, pooled +in a long breath, an' as shoo said, "began ta make a sidashun." + +Nah, if iver yo' want a chap to study a bit, an' resolve to mend his +ways, let him be quiet; but if iver yo' want a woman to start o' +thinkin' an' resolvin', let her have summat to do. If a woman sits quiet +shoo begins to mump. Aw niver hardly met a woman 'at could sit daan +quietly for five minits withaat sighin' two or three times; they think +an' think, an' sigh, an' shake ther heeads, an' if they're let alooan +they manage to wark thersen inta a bad temper abaght summat, but what +that is, aw've never met one 'at could tell. Zantippa didn't sit daan +an' mump, but up stairs shoo went an' made th' beds, an' a rare shakin' +they gat, for shoo wor just ful o' summat an' shoo mud vent her feelins +someway. + +Women have a deal better way o'managin' that sooart o' thing nor what +men have. Ther are times when we're all brimful o' summat, th' steam's +up, an' if we connot find a safety valve we shall brust. Nah, a woman +drives up to th' elbows i'th' weshin' tub, or rives all th' carpets up, +or pools all th' pots aght o'th' cubboard an' puts 'em back agean. Shoo +lets her tongue have full liberty, an' what wi' talkin', an' sweatin', +an' scrub bin', an' brushin', shoo finds hersen reight daan tired, an' +after a bit ov a wesh an' snoddenin' her toppin', shoo sits daan to her +knittin' or sewin', as cooil as a cucumber, an' as ful o' gooid natur as +an egg's ful o' mait, an' her een sparkle wi' pleasure, like dewdrops +sparkle on a rose in a summer's mornin'. But wi' a chap it's different, +nine times aght o' ten he flies to th' ale pot, or else he begins +growlin' at hooam. "Th' tea's hot," or "th' muffin's cold," or "th' +butter's wor nor cart grease." "Th' childer's noisy," or "th' wife's +quiet," an' noa matter what's done for him it's all wrang. Sometimes bi +th' way ov a change, he'll pawse th' table ower, an' braik as mony pots +as it'll tak a gooid part ov a week's wage to replace, an' at last, +after makin' iverybody abaght him miserable, he'll goa to bed lukin' as +black as a mule an' sleep woll mornin', when (unless he's ova bad +sooart) he'll feel reight daan shamed ov hissel, an' set to wark to put +things reight agean. Nah, Zantippa wor just i' one o' these moods; an' +shoo made th' beds, coom daan stairs, an' weshed all th' pots, scaled +th' fire an' took the ass aght, gave th' hearthstun another dooas o' +idleback, scattered a bit ov fresh sand o' th' floor, an' after weshin' +hersen, an' donin' a clean print dress, shoo laid th' table ready for +th' teah, gate th' kettle onto th' rib, an' sat daan wi' her bag ful o' +worset an' a heap o' stockins, an', as shoo luk'd raand shoo felt as +pleased as Punch to see what a difference shoo'd been able ta mak in an +haar or two. "Aw'm nooan sooary 'at aw stopt at hooam," shoo said to +hersen. "Aw know Dick'll be suited when he sees all fettled up, an' if +aw get theas stockins done ta neet the'll be aght o'th gate. Aw wonder +ha it wor 'at he tuk things sooa quietly this nooin; aw dooant think +it's reight when a chap's been work in' iver sin six o'clock ov a +mornin' for him to come hooam an' find noa dinner ready. Reight enuff, a +woman's plenty to do to follow her haase, an' cook, an' mend, but if +ther wor noa wage comin' in, ther'd be less cookin' an' moor mendin', +aw've a noation. Aw've made up mi mind woll aw've been sidin' up 'at +aw'll nut waste mi time as aw have done, talkin' an' gossippin', for +ther's noa gooid comes on it, an' altho' aw want to keep thick wi' mi +neighbors, aw'm determined aw'll chop that sooart o' thing off at once; +for my mother used to tell me, 'If ther were noa listeners, ther'd be +noa taletellers;' an' th' time 'at one spends is war nor wasted, for it +oft leads ta 'fendin' an' provin', for them 'at come an' tell yo summat +abaght somdy else will just as sooin tell somdy else summat abaght yo. +An' luk what scrapes one gets into wi' it. Nah, aw made Dick believe 'at +th' chimley smookd, that wor a lie to say th' least on it, an' he'll be +sure ta noatice 'at it doesn't smook ta-neet, but if he names it aw'll +tell th' truth, for, aw'm sure noa gooid comes o' lying." + +When Zantippa had just made this resolve, th' door opened, an' Dick au' +three childer coom in throo th' miln. He saw th' difference in a minnit. +"Wipe them clogs," he said as th' childer wor walkin' in. "Tha's been +fettlin' a bit, lass, aw think. Are ta baan to ax some o'th' neighbors +to ther drinkin'?" + +"Noa!" shoo says, "aw'm baan to ax noabody but thee an' th' childer. +Does ta want me to ax somdy?" + +"Nay, nooan soa! Aw'd as gooid as promised to goa as far as 'Th' Cock' +ta neet, to talk ovver this bit ov a doo, but aw think aw'll stop at +hooam, what says ta?" Zantippa smiled, nay even blushed, shoo knew what +he ment an' shoo felt pleased. It wor a bit ov a compliment, an' paid +her for all her trouble. + +"Please thisen," shoo said, as shoo poured aght a cup o' teah for him, +an' lifted a pile o' tooast aght o' th' oven, "but aw think th'rt as +weel at hooam." + +"Well, an' aw think aw'm better," he said, as he luk'd raand, "aw think +th' chimley doesn't smook as ill as it did, does it?" + +Shoo hung her heead, an' stooped ta pick a pin off th' floor, but shoo +couldn't find one, an' when shoo luk'd up ther een met. Shoo didn't +spaik, nor moor did he; it worn't needed. It wor a long time sin they'd +sich a comfortable teah, an' when they'd done they sat some time at th' +table i' silence. Ha' long they might have sat aw connot tell, hadn't +th' door oppened, an' Betty come runnin' in wi' a pot to beg a sup o' +hot watter, for shoo said "Her chap had coom hooam, an' shoo'd been +rayther longer nor shoo expected, an' he wor playin' th' varry hangment +for his drinkin'." + +Shoo gate her hot water, an' went away. Dick luk'd at his wife, an' +takkin' howd ov her hand, said, "Aw'm glad 'at tha hasn't to goa seekin' +hot water, an' aw hooap tha niver may have." + +"Aw hooap nut," shoo said, an' sat daan evidently varry ill set ta see +her stockins. Nah, what a little con make fowk happy or miserable. Dick +wor as content as a king, becoss all th' haas wor tidy. He saw at somdy +had been tryin' to mak' him comfortable; an shoo wor as delighted as if +shoo'd getten a fortin left, becoss what shoo'd done had suited him. + +When th' childer had getten all put ta bed, Dick said, "Lass, aw've been +thinkin' 'at aw dooant care soa mich abaght gooin to this teadrinkin' +for aw've a noation 'at we connot goa ta th' tea withaat stoppin' an' +spendin' a lot o' brass at after, an' aw've heeard thee say as thar't +fast for some flannel. Nah, if we stop at hooam an' spend th' brass o' +what it is tha wants, it'll do us moor gooid nor th' ale, what says ta?" + +"Just thee please thisen, Dick. Aw had thowt o' gooin, but as tha says +it's sure to cost summat, an' awr Billy wants some new clogs, for yond +tak watter varry ill, an' aw dooant know what we could do better wi' th' +brass, an' aw think we con have as comfortable a teah at hooam." + +"Aw'm sure, an' moor soa, an' as tha's decided nut to goa, aw'll tell +thi ov a marlock some o'th' chaps has been playin' but tha munnat split, +for it hasn't to get aght woll after th' pairty. Tha knows Hungary at +works wi' us?" + +"Does ta meean him 'at once ait a pailful o' draff?" + +"Th' same chap! An' he declared 'at if he gate aside o'th steaks at this +doo, he'd polish th' lot (an' aw believe he can ait owt less nor a +bullock), soa some o'th chaps made it up 'at he should have a dish to +his own cheek; but they'd ta be donkey steaks--for owd Labon ('at hawks +cockles an' mussels) had let his donkey catch cold or summat, at ony +rate it dee'd, an' soa they thowt if they could get some steaks off that +they'd just come in, but they knew 'at owd Labon had rayther part wi' +his heead nor let onybody mell o'th donkey, for he thowt as mich on it +as if it wor a Christian. But they determined to scheme some way to get +it, soa Joe Longfooit offered to go into th' yard where it wor, an' cut +off one hinder leg an' tak it hooam ta cook, if Sam Sniggle 'ud watch +aght to see 'at noabody coom. Labon kept his donkey, tha knows, in a +place at th' top o'th long stepses, an' used ta goa raand th' back rooad +wi' it, soa one dinner time they'd watch'd Labon aght o'th' yard, (where +he'd been standin' rubbin' his een, an' strokin' his owd favourite,) an' +when he'd getten nicely off they ventured to try ther luck. Joe +Longfooit went up wi' a gurt carvin' knife, an' left Sam at th' bottom +to whistle if he saw onnybody comin', an' he stood thear for a while, +but he wanted a bit o' bacca, an' ther wor sich a wind i'th' steps 'at +he couldn't get a leet, soa he went across the rooad into a doorhoil for +shelter. He worn't aboon a minnit or two away, but when he coom back +what should he see but owd Labon within a few steps o'th' top. He hardly +knew what ta do, but he managed as mich wind as made a whistle, an' +stood watchin' for th' next move. Joa heeard the signal, but it wor too +lat, for he couldn't get aght withaat th' owd chap seein' him, an' he'd +getten th' leg cut off ready for huggin' away, soa seizin' hold o'th' +shank, he watched for owd Labon's hat showin' aboon th' wall top, when +he gave it sich a clencher wi' th' thick end o'th' leg, woll he forced +th' brewards reight onto his sholder, then he laup'd ovver th' wall an' +ran hooam wi' his prize as fast as his legs could carry him, leavin' +Laban to find his way into dayleet ageean as weel as he could. Sam met +him at th' haase an' they worn't long i' cutting some grand lukkin' +steaks off, an' puttin' 'em ov a dish i'th cubboard, an' bith' time +they'd done that, th' bell rang an' they'd ta goa back ta ther wark. +When Labon gate his hat, once more onto th' top ov his heead, he went ta +see his owd deead friend, an' when he saw it ligged thear wi' nobbut +three legs, he vow'd vengeance agean them 'at had done it, an' declared +'at if iver he fan it aght, he'd mak 'em pay for it, for it wor nowt noa +less nor robbin' th' deead, an' he'd have' em tried for assasination. +Joa's wife wor aght when they took th' leg hooam, an' after they cut th' +steaks off they'd hid t' other part under th' coils. But they hadn't +been gooan soa varry long when shoo coom in, an' as shoo wor gettin' th' +pots aght o'th cubbord, shoo saw this dish' ful o' steaks. "A'a!" shoo +says, "it's just like yond chap to put thease in here an' say nowt +abaght it, but aw con just relish one o' thease to my drinkin', an' aw +dar say he'll want one, an' awm sure th' childer 'll do wi' a bit. We +hav'nt had as mich fleshmait i' awr haase afoor for many a wick. Fotch +that gridiron, Polly! We'st ha to do it o'th' top o'th' coil, for ther +isn't fat enuff to fry it." + +Shoo worn't long afoor shoo had it nicely cooked, an' the tea made, an' +a thowt struck her' at shoo'd ax Sam's wife to her tea, for shoo knew +'at they didn't oft get steak at their haase, so Polly went an' browt +Mistress Sniggle an' all th' childer to ther tea, an' as ther wor eight +on' em, they varry sooin put thersen o'th' aghtside o'th' steak. They +set to wark then to get some clean pots ready for Joa, an' sent one +o'th' childer ta watch th' miln loise, ta tell Sam ta come wi' him. When +they come all wor nicely ready for' em, but ther minds worn't easy, for +ther'd been a policeman axing abaght 'em at ther wark, for Labon had +seen Sam at th' bottom o'th' steps, an' he thowt he knew summat abaght +it, soa they declared they'd niver own to it to a wick soul. As sooin as +they gate in they smell'd what wor up, for Joa knew ther wor noa mait i' +th' haase else, an' his wife had no brass to buy ony. He looked at Sam, +an' thear they stooid i' th' middle o' th' floor as white as two ghosts, +staring at one another, but they darn't spaik, an' booath waited to see +what t'other did. + +"Come on to your drinkin'," said th' women. + +"A'a! tha'rt a grand un, Joa," said his wife, "to put them steaks i' th' +cubbord an' niver say a word abaght it, an' tha knows ha fond aw am ov a +bit o' steak, an' it's a bit o' nice mait too, tho' it isn't as tender +as some. We've savvor'd it, aw con tell thi, for considerin' th' price +o' mait nah, a gooid steak's hardly within th' raich o' workin' fowk." + +Joa wor dumb struck, he stirred his tea, but he couldn't tak his een off +th' steak. Sam rested his head on his hand an' complained abaght bein' +poorly. + +"It's for want o' some gooid support, mun," said his wife, "get some o' +that mait into thi. It's made me feel a different body, awm as frisky as +a young foil, an' luk at th' childer, they're wrastlin' thear like young +bullocks. Mun, it puts a bit o'th' natur o'th' beast into 'em." + +But Sam declared he felt poorly, an' couldn't touch mait; but Joa +couldn't spaik at all. As he sat starin' at th' dish, old Laban went +past th' door, wi' a basket o' awther arm shaatin' aght "Cockles alive! +Mussels alive, oh!" As sooin as Joa heard that he seized a fork, an' +stuck it into th' mait wi' sich a force, 'at he smashed th' dish an' +pinned it fast to th' table top. "Woa, up!" he said, "stop thee thear!" + +"A'a! gaumless! tha's been having summat to sup this afternooin, aw can +see," said his wife. "Tha mud ha' thowt owd Labon wor callin o'th' steak +to goa wi' him!" But poor Joa couldn't get a word off. Drops o' sweat +stood ov his foreheead as big as pays, an' he couldn't tak his een off +th' mait. "Is ther summat th' matter wi' that steak, makes thi 'at tha +connot touch it?" said his wife; "awm sure it's nicely enuff; what is +ther to do wi' thi?" + +"Oh, th' steak's reight enuff," said Joa, raisin' courage to spaik, "th' +steaks all reight, but aw'm nut i'th' knife an' fork line to-neet. +What's that noise i'th' cellar?" he said, starting aght ov his chear, +wi' his hair ommost studden ov an end, an' his een starin', an' his +teeth girnin', like a sheepheead between a pair o' tangs! + +"What noise! Does ta mean that rawtin' daan i'th' cellar?" + +"Eea!" + +"Oh, it's nobbut th' childer 'at's laikin, some on 'em's recknin' to be +donkeys an' t'other's drivin' 'em; they've been at it iver sin they'd +ther drinkin'; it's that mait 'at's suited 'em soa, mun, woll they +dunnot know what to do." + +"Aw mun goa hooam," said Sam, "aw can't bide, aw'm varry poorly." + +"Why yo booath luk awther poorly or summat," said his wife. "An' aw +think th' sooner yo get to bed an' th' better." + +Sam an' his wife and childer went hooam, an' it wornt long afoor Joa wor +burrying his heead under th' blankets, an' tryin' to fall asleep; but he +couldn't, for as sooin as he began to dooaz off, he began dreamin' 'at +he wor tryin 'to swallow a donkey an' wakkened wi' it stickin' in his +throit. + +Th' next mornin' when they met ther faces luk'd moor like two dazed +cakes nor owt, for they'd hardly a mite o' color left. "We're reight in +for it this time, Sam," said Joa. "Aw believe this job 'll tell ov +itsel'. Does ta think 'at it makes ony difference wi' fowk aiting donkey +beef?" + +"Well, aw dooant know; but aw did once know a chap 'at wor a reglar cauf +heead, an' he hardly iver ait owt but veal, an' tha knows th' bass +singer at awr church gets bacon to ommost ivery meal, an' he grunts as +ill as a pig, bi'th' heart does he;--an', awm sure, my childer's ears +luk'd longer to me this mornin', or else aw thowt soa!" + +"Well, an aw'm sure my wife snoor'd i'th neet moor like a donkey rawtin +nor owt else, an' th' fust thing awr Isaac axed me this marnin' wor to +buy him some panniers so as he could be a mule. But what are we to do +wi' yond t'other pairt o'th' leg?" + +"Oh, we mun burry that, we'll ha' noa moor truck wi' that, an' aw think +we'd better ax some advice abaght some o' them 'at's etten th' other; +for it wod be a doo if they'd to start o' growin' tails or summat! +ther's noa tellin'." + +They were boath soa terrified woll they left their wark, an' they went +to see an owd chap 'at's varry skilful o' heearbs, an' they tell'd him +all abaght it, an' axed him "if he thowt it 'ud mak ony difference to +them 'at had etten it?" + +"Well," he said, "considerin' what sooart o' fathers they have aw dooant +think it will mak mich difference to th' childer, it hardly con, an' if +th' wives get rayther unruly, yo mun try an' bridle 'em a bit. But if +yo'll tak my advice for't future, yo'll let that alooan 'at doesn't +belang to yo, for yo'll allus find ought dishonestly getten, will breed +moor trouble to yo nor what th' loss 'll mak to them yo've ta'en it +throo,--soa goa hooam, an' bear i' mind 'at "Honesty is th' best +policy," an' if 'owd Labon's donkey has towt yo that lesson, it hasn't +dee'd for nowt." + +They went back to their wark, but someha' or other it's getten wind, an' +aw fancy 'at th' doctor's tell'd, but be that as it may, aw consider +they wor reight sarved, an' aw dooant think they'll show up at this +tea-drinkin'. + +"Well, aw niver heard sich a tale i' my life," said Zantippa. "An' aw +should think they'll never see a donkey withaght thinkin' on it, an' if +soa it'll noa daat be for th' best. Noabody owt to be aboon learnin' +when they've a chonce, an' aw think aw've lent a lesson to-day." + +"Does ta lass, an' what is it?" + +"Why, 'at to mak hooam comfortable owt to be a woman's furst duty, for a +clean hearth an' a cheerful fire do a deal towards makin' a cheerful +heart; for when a haase is upset a chap's temper gets upset, an' it's a +deal better to prevent a few cross words nor to try an' mak things up +agean." + +"Tha'rt a gooid lass, Zantippa! God bless thi! Let's goa to bed!" + + + + +One, Two, Three. + + +Nah number one is onybody an' iverybody; for we're all number one to +ussen. Ther's an old sayin, an' it must be true, for ommost iverybody +seems to believe it, 'at we should all remember number one--that is, +it's set daan to be iverybody's duty to do th' best they can for +thersen, an' it's becoss this doctrine is soa well acted up to, 'at maks +me think 'at ther may be a bit ov amusement an' profit i' studying abaat +it at this time--yo can tak th' amusement an' let me have th' profit. +Nah, if you act up to my advice, aw think yo may be happen better nor yo +are, an' if yo dooant aw dooant think yo'l be ony war, an' that's one +comfort. Ther's nowt like startin at th' faandation ov a subject, if yo +want to deal wi' it in a reight way, an' aw intend to goa to th' rooit, +an' as money is th' rooit ov all evil, an' th' number one doctrine is i' +my opinion an evil, aw shall start wi' brass. We mun awther believe +money to be th' rooit ov all evil, or else we daat th' wisdom o' him at +sed it, but at th' same time my experience taiches me at it's a varry +useful thing to have i' yor pocket when yo goa to market, an' it's a +wonderful thing for stiffenin a chap's back booan. Allus remember this, +at th' heigher yo hold yor heead an' lower other fowk 'll bow theirs. +Ther are exceptions to this rule, for ther are 'at think a honest man +has as mich reight to hold up his heead, even if he hasn't a penny in +his pocket, as one 'at's thaasands o' paands. Ov coorse, yo know better +nor that; for a empty heead an' a full purse can pass muster even i'th' +Parliament. Then, whativer yo do, yo mun get hold o' this brass, an' +niver heed, if becoss your gettin moor nor yo want causes some others to +goa short--that's nowt to yo--yor number one an' luk to that. If yo can +nobbut get a fortune, yo'll find friends come withaat seekin. But mind +whativer yo do to get yor brass honestly-that is, get it i' some way 'at +th' law cannot touch yo. Dooant knock a chap daan an' tak it throo him, +but start some sooart ov a society wi' a long name, get some offices in +a garret in a grand street, get some chap wi' a hannel to his name to be +president, an' a lot o' directors 'at nawther yo nor onybody else iver +knew, pay a poor begger fourteen shillin a week to be scratchetary, mak +yorsen into th' treasurer, an' then advertise. Somdy'll be sure to tak +shares, an' as sooin as ther's ony brass to goa on wi,' vooat yor sen a +salary ov two thaasand a year,--mak sure to get it--an' then, if ther's +ony claims at yo connot meet wind up th' business. Fowk'll be sure to +sympathise wi' yo, and yo'll have as mich as 'll keep yo respectable for +a bit, an' then yo can luk aght for another chonce o' turnin a honest +penny. Yor belly'll be full an' your back weel clooathed, your +conscience--well, tak noa noatice o' that,--an' if yo can get a front +seeat in a chapel yo'll stand a gooid chonce o' been made a taan +caancillor or a member o'th schooil booard. This number one doctrine has +another advantage, a chap 'at follows it aght has nubdy's else interests +to bother abaat; he doesn't care who dees soa long as he lives, nor who +sinks soa long as he can swim. But allus tak care net to let other fowk +know 'at yo live up to this system; for although iverybody thinks a +gooid deeal o' ther own number one, nubdy seems fond ov another's. Some +even goa soa far as to call a number one chap selfish. Well, worn't we +born into th' world to be selfish? What have we nails for if we munnot +scrat? What have we teeth for but to bite? What have we een for but to +look after awr own interests? What have we ears for but to listen for +iverything to us own advantage? What have we bodies for but to serve? +This is number one doctrine. Its varry popular, an' does varry weel for +this world; ther's a deal o' hansom gravestooans stand ovver once +successful number ones. What ther number is i'th' next world is moor nor +aw can tell, but aw know they'll have to start afresh, for all they iver +gained they've left behund. + +Fowk 'at niver loise seet o' 'number one,' are a hard workin set as a +rule, but even they have to amuse thersen a bit sometimes, an' they find +it a nice change to luk after 'number two.' To a chap o' this sooart, +iverybody's 'number two,' 'at's a bit better awther i' luks, position, +or pocket. Nah if yo want ony fun o' this sooart aw'll tell yo ha to get +it. Furst ov all, find aght sombdy 'at yo fancy yore mates think moor on +nor they think o' yo--watch him ivery time yo get a chonce, an' see if +yo connot pick aght a hoil in his coit. Dooant be disheartened if yo +have to luk a long time before yo can find a fault--be sure ther is one +somewhear, an' if yo can't see it at a distance, hutch cloiser up, mak a +gurt fuss on him, niver say owt contrary to what he says; if he says +summat funny, laff fit to split yor sides, an' if he says owt serious, +luk solemn an' shak yor heead. Watch him carefully, an' it's a thaasand +to one but some day yo'll catch him trippin. If, when yo've fun a hoil, +it's soa little as to be hardly worth noaticing, dooant despair, wol yor +clappin him on his back an' smilin in his face, yo can happen get yor +finger in, an then rive it a bit bigger. Do it gently at furst, just a +little bit at a time, and then when yo've getten a chonce, rip it as far +as yo can. But be sure yo have nowt ony moor to do with him after that. +If yo see him comin, cross on t'other side o' th' rooad, niver let on +'at yo've seen him, but as sooin as he's getten past, shak yor heead +sorrowfully an' sigh; if yo happen to have a clean hankerchy i' yor +pocket, yo may tak it aght and mak believe to wipe off a tear--niver +heed if ther isn't one, fowk'll think better o' yo, an' all the war o' +him. If onybody should come an' ask yo if yo've heeard that sad tale +abaat him, say. 'God forbid at yo should hear owt war nor what yo've +heeard before.' Dooant seem inclined to listen, but when they've done, +say, 'Well, well it's a thaasand pities, but if that wor th' warst it +wodn't matter mich.' He's sure to go away wi' th' noation 'at yo know +summot abaat th' same chap 'at's ten times war nor owt he's heeard, but +yo've too mich gooid natur to tell it. Nah this is all varry gooid fun +for' number one;' an when yo see poor' number two' loise his shop, or +shunned, or luked shyly at wi' them at wor once his admirers, an' yo +know 'at it's allowing to yo, then yo can goa hooam an' shut yorsen up +all bi yorsen, an' laff, an rejoice to yor heart's content. But dooant +be surprised if, when yo chuckle, yo should hear another chuckle cloise +to yor elbow, for haiver yo lock an' bolt th' door, yo connot keep th' +devil aght. He enjoys a bit o' fun o' this sooart as weel as yo, an' +he's nobbut come to show yo ha pleased he is. If yo dooant like his +compny sarve him th' same way --remember yo're 'number one,' an he's +nobbut 'number two' to yo. Pool as long a face, an' luk as sanctimonious +as yo can, an' wheniver yo've a chonce, tell fowk to shun him an' all +his works, tell 'em 'at he's prowlin raand like a lion seekin who to +make a meal on th' next. Yo needn't be mailly-maathed abaat him, becoss +he's net suppooased to have ony friends. He willn't care a button what +yo say, 'coss he knows yo cannot injure _his_ character, an' he laffs to +hissen as he sees yo sighin, an lyin, an scheamin, all for 'number one,' +an he puts a mark opposite yor name to show 'at he's noa need to luk +after yo ony moor--yo're all safe--an' then he turns his attention to +some 'number twos.' It's gooid spooart, isn't it? May be yo think it's a +spooart 'at's niver entered onybody's heead but mine, but yor mistakken. +It's a varry common spoart. Mind yo dooant catch yorsen indulging in it +some day. + +Number three reminds a body ov a deeal o' things, but nowt as mitch as a +pop shop. Them three gold balls 'at hing aght to show whear th' poor +fowk's bankers live, if they could nobbot spaik, could tell a tale 'at +wod cap some o' them wiseacres 'at reckon to know all poor fowk's +troubles, an' th' way to cure' em. Nah, it's a puzzle to me to accaant +for one o' these things, an' that is, 'at fowk's actions should be +regarded through a different standpoint to owt else i' th' world. A +little tree is a tree, an' it's nobbut a tree ha big it is--a puttate is +nobbut a puttate if it grows as big as a churn-an' a man considers +hissen a man whether he's a Goliah or a Tom Thumb. But actions are +different altogether. Whether they're to be considered gooid or bad +depends entirely o' th' bugth on 'em. A chap 'at can chait somdy aght ov +twenty thaasand paands is considered smart: but a poor begger 'at stails +a looaf is a thief. A chap 'at walks into th' joint stock bank, an'. +leaves th' title deeds ov his property for th' loan ov five or six +hundred paands, is an honerable tradesman, 'an it's considered a +business--like act; but a poor woman' at taks her fiat-iron to th' pop +shop, an' borrows sixpence on it, commits a sin--it's a disgrace. Aw +wonder what th' mooast o' th' banks are but pop shops. What difference +is ther between a pop ticket an' a check book? Varry little nobbut th' +bugth. I' my opinion it's noa moor a disgrace for a chap to pop a paper +coller nor for another to morgage a property. Ther's a gooid deal o' +speculation sometimes i' booath cases. Nah, aw once knew a chap at popt +a haufacraan for two-an-four-pence, an then sell'd th' ticket for a +shillin: soa he didn't loise owt. They're useful places i' ther way, +though aw dooant mean to say at ther's noa evils connected wi' 'em. Nah, +aw once knew a woman 'at popt her husband's Sunday clooas so as shoo +could buy a new dress for hersen, 'an when he fan it aght he gave her a +lickin an' had to goa befoor th' magistrates, an' they fined him ten +shillin or to goa to quad for a month, soa his wife popt her dress to' +pay th' fine. Nah, it isn't ivery evil 'at can reighten itsen like that; +an' varry likely bith time they've getten 'em aght agean they'll have +lernt moor wit. + +Ther's summat else 'at number three reminds me on, an' that's th' three +things at we all owt to have--Faith, Hope, an' Charity. As to Faith, +ther's awther a gooid deeal on it i' th' world, or else fowk dooant +spaik truth. Hope we've all enuff on, an' some fowk moor nor what does' +em ony gooid, for they're ofter hopin nor strivin. But when it comes to +Charity, then aw'm a sooart o' fast amang it. It's a nice word, a bonny +word aw think; it luks nice in a church or a bazaar. It's a nice word to +tak for a text, it saands nice onytime unless it's at a meetin o' th' +poor law guardians, then it saands harder an' harsher someway. For mi +own part, aw've niver been able to understand exactly what it meeans. I +have an opinion o' mi own; but then aw know it must be wrong, becoss +it's so different to other fowk's. Aw wor once walkin aght wi' a chap +'at wor chock full o' charity. He wor soa full on it 'at it used to roll +aght ov his maath ivery two or three minutes, and we hadn't gone far +when we met a little lad, wi' hardly a bit o' clooas on him, an' he +luk'd as if he'd been livin o' th' smell ov a cook shop for a wick, an' +he coom beggin a hawpney. Well, to tell th' truth aw wor gooin to pass +him, for aw hadn't a fardin, but my charitable friend did stop, an' he +patted him on his heead, and axed if he he'd a father an' mother, an' if +he went to th' Sunday schooil, an if he knew his Catichism, an' then he +sed, Well, be a good boy, an' sometime when aw've a hawpny aw'l give it +thi,' an' we went away. When we'd gooan a two or three yards he sed, +'Let's have a glass o' ale, for aw'm dry--aw feel sooary for yond lad, +but yo connot allus be givin. + + + + +Sammy Bewitched. + + +Aw shall niver forget Sammy Sawney. He's deead nah an' it's a pity at +owt like him iver should dee, for he wor net only t' first but aw +believe t'last o' 'tsooart. Aw niver remember him as a lad, for he wor a +gooid age when aw wor born, but aw've heeard enuff abaat him to mak me +feel as if aw'd known him at that time, an' judgin' bi what aw knew on +him as an old man aw can believe it ivery word true. + +Sammy's mother wor a widdy, an' he wor her only child. Shoo wor worth a +little bit o' brass, an' his fayther had been considered varry weel to +do, for he'd abaat twenty hand-loom weyvers workin for him, an' his +bumbazines wor allus considered t'best i' t'market. When Sammy wor four +year old shoo detarmined to send him to t'schooil an' have him eddicated +for a banker's clerk, for to be handlin brass all t'day long wor to her +t'happiest condition i' life. + +It wor easy enough to send Sammy to t'schooil but to get him eddicated +wor another matter, an' whether it wor as t'schooil-maister sed, 'at his +heead wor too thick iver to drive owt into it, or, as his mother said, +'at t'schooilmaister knew nowt an' soa he could taich nowt, aw dooant +pretend to say. + +Little Sammy hadn't a varry easy time on it, for he wor shifted abaat +throo one schooil to another, wol he hadn't mich o' a chonce o' +leearnin' even if he had some brains, an' ther' wor at sed he hadn't. + +But his mother had faith ther wor summat in him, an' varry likely ther +wor, for nowt iver coom aght, an' what some fowk called +wrangheeadedness, shoo considered to be genius badly directed. + +One day he wor at t'beckside, an' shoo went to see what he wor dooin', +an' as shoo saw he'd nobbut one clog, shoo axed him what he'd done wi' +tother, an' he sed he'd made it into a booat, an' it had sailed away +down t'beck, soa shoo tawked nicely, an' tell'd him he shouldn't do soa, +for it wor lost, an' he mud allus remember 'at if he put owt into +t'beck, he'd niver see it ony moor, for t'watter ran daan at sich a +rate; but he sed he'd fun aght a better way o' dooin' it next time, for +he'd put t'furst in wi' t'toa pointin daan t'hill, but when he put +t'next in, he'd point t'toa up t'hill, an' it wouldn't find it quite soa +easy gooin. + +"A'a, Sammy lad," sed his mother, as shoo stroked his heead, "tha's a +deal moor i' this nop nor ivver thi fayther had, or me awther, for aw +should niver ha' thowt o' that." Sammy put tother in, takkin care to +point t'toe t'contrary way to what t'watter wor runnin, but as sooin as +he left lawse it turned raand an' foller'd tother, an' wor sooin aght o' +seet. + +"Nah, then!" he sed "didn't aw tell yo? If it hadn't turned raand, it +'ud ha' been goin' up t'hill, but t'chap 'at made them clogs didn't mak' +'em reights an' lefts. Yo see they're booath left, an' aw believe that's +the reason aw've allus been lat to t'schooil." + +"Niver heed, Sammy, tha shalln't go to t'school ony moor, for aw believe +tha'rt better able to taich t'maisters nor they are to taich thee." + +"Awm sewer on it mother; for t'last maister aw had sed awd towt him +patience, an' awm sartin he niver towt me owt." + +"Come thi ways, lad, an' awl buy thee some new clogs at another shop, +but dooant put any moor into that beck, unless tha tees a string to 'em, +if tha does awst ha' to give thee a lickin, soa tha knows; for even +knowledge can be bowt too dear." + +After gettin his new clogs, shoo tuk him into a spice shop to buy a +penorth o' owt he liked, soa he ax'd t'old woman for a penorth o' +humbugs; but as sooin as he'd getten 'em, he altered his mind an' thowt +he'd have acid drops, soa shoo changed em'; but he'd hardly getten 'em +when he changed his mind, an' said he'd rayther have a rockstick, an' +when he'd gate that, he wor walkin' aght, an' shoo sang aght after him +'at he'd niver paid her for it. + +"Why, aw gave yo t'acid drops for it." + +"Eea, but tha niver paid for t'acid drops." + +"A'a, what a tale I didn't aw give yo t'humbugs?" + +"But tha niver paid for t'humbugs." + +"Why, aw havn't etten t'humbugs, have aw? Didn't aw give' em yo agean? +Yo dooant want payin' twice, sewerlee?" + +"Well aw dooant know hah it is, what tha says saands reight enuff; but +what aw do know is, at tha's getten a rockstick, an' aw havn't getten a +penny." + +"You see what it is to be a scholar," sed his mother; "but yo'st loise +nowt bi a child o' mine," soa shoo gave her t'penny an' coom away. + +As they wor walkin on, Sammy put t'last bit into his maath an' sed, +"mother, can yo tell me why is old Sally like that rockstick?" + +"Nay lad, awm sewer aw cannot." + +"Becoss they've booath getten suckt." + +"A'a, lad, dooant study soa mich, awm feeard strainin thi brain, but can +ta spell brain?" + +"Brane." + +"Nay, lad, ther's a I in it." + +"Then aw must have three, if aw've two i' mi heead an' one i' mi brain." + +"Aw niver thowt o' that, but tha'rt far too clivver for me, an' awst +nivver rest until aw get thi into a bank." + +Now it soa happened 'at ther wor a man 'at had done business wi' Sammy's +fayther i' former days, an' after a bit o' persuadin he consented to +tak' him into his office, an' t'lad wor soa praad ov his place, 'at, +strange as it seems, he did begin to leearn a bit o' summate T'chap tuk +a deeal o' pains wi him, an' his mother's heart wor oft made glad wi' +hearin a gooid accaant of his gooins on. When he used to goa to his +dinner wi' a pen stuck behind his ear, an' his finger daubed wi' ink, as +if he'd been cleeanin' aght t'ink bottles, shoo could hardly keep her +arms off his neck, an' monny a time shoo'd sit watchin him as he put +t'puddin aght o' t'seet, wi' tears in her een, an' wish his farther wor +thear to see him. But his face grew whiter an' he didn't seem to have as +mich life in him as he used to have, an' this caused her a deeal ov +uneasiness, an' at last shoo decided to goa an' have a word wi' his +maister. Shoo went to t'office, an' they made a gurt fuss o' t'old woman +an' ax'd her into a private raam to sit daan. + +"Aw've come," shoo sed, "to have a word or two abaat ahr Sammy; aw +should like to know hah yo think he gets on?" + +"Better than we expected," he said; "he runs errands very well and his +writing is better than it was, but his spelling wants improving, yet we +think we shall be able to make a man of him." + +"Well, if that's all aw think he'll get better on it, an' as for spellin +a word wrang nah an' then aw dooant see 'at that maks mich difference +soa long as yo know what it meeans. But what do yo think troubles him +t'mooast?" + +"Well at the present time it's with the which's, but you must excuse me +just now for a very important customer has called and I must see him." +Soa he jumpt up an' left her. It didn't tak her long to get hooam, an' +as shoo'd allus been ov a superstitious way o' thinkin, her mind wor +filled wi' anxiety abaat her lad. + +"Just to think," shoo sed, as shoo trudged along, "'at he should be +bewitched! A grand lad like him-but it's somdy at's done it just aght o' +spite, an' aw've a varry gooid noation who's done it. It's that nasty +gooid-for-nowt 'at lives at t'back o' awr haase,--shoo's niver been able +to bide t'seet on him sin' he cut her cat tail off, an' shoo knew well +enuff he nobbut did it for fun. But awl see if aw connot braik t'spell." +As shoo had to pass a smithy on her way hooam shoo went in, an' axed if +they'd an old horseshoe to give her, for shoo knew that wor a thing 'at +witches couldn't bide t'seet on. + +"Why, Meary, what dun yo want it for. Are yo freetened o' t'boggards?" + +"Awst nooan be freetened o' thee if tha wor a boggard," shoo sed, "but +has ta getten one?" + +"Well, aw dooant know, but aw've a pair o' donkey shooin here, if tha +thinks they'll fit yor Sammy tha can have' em an' welcome." + +"Aw think they'd be a deeal moor likely to fit thee, judgin bi t'length +o' thi ears," shoo sed; "but aw want a horseshoe if tha's getten one, +an' if tha hasn't say soa, an' dooant keep me waitin here." + +He hunted abaat till he rooited one aght, an' he gave it her, an' shoo +put it in her pocket an' went off withaat iver stoppin to thank him for +it. When Sammy had getten his supper shoo sent him to bed, an' tell'd +him to leave her his waistcoit, as shoo wanted to do summat at it. As +sooin as shoo wor bi hersen shoo pool'd t'horseshoe aght ov her pocket +an' began to plan hah shoo could fasten it to t'back ov his waistcoit, +for shoo thowt that wod be t'best place for it, an' although it wor a +nasty thing to hug up an daan, yet it wor a deeal better nor havin to +live under t'influence ov a evil eye. It tuk her a bit o' seheamin +befoor shoo gate it stitched on to her fancy, but patience won t'battle, +an' when shoo went to bed she felt easier in her mind. + +T'next mornin shoo'd a deal o' trouble to get Sammy to put it on, for he +couldn't tell t'meanin on it, but his mother lukt soa serious abaat it +'at he didn't like to say he wodn't wear it. + +He went to his wark, but his jacket didn't fit quite as well as usual, +an' as for keep in his waistcoat i' ony-bit-like shape, he couldn't do +it, for t'weight behind wor soa heavy wol it pool'd t'buttons ommost up +to his chin, an' when he sat on his stooil i' t'front o' t'desk, he felt +as if somdy wor tryin' to upset him backards. When he went to his +dinner, he felt as if he wor huggin a pack, an' he begged hard ov his +mother to let him goa withaat it, but shoo sed shoo darn't trust him +aght ov her seet if he hadn't it on, for it wor to shield him. "It's a +queer place for a shield," he sed, "but awl try it this afternooin, an' +if it doesn't feel easier awst niver put it on agean." + +When he coom hooam at neet, he wor booath tired an' cross; an' after his +Supper he gat a slate an' pencil an' sat daan to write, lukkin' varry +glum. His mother watched him varry anxiously for a while, an' then shoo +sed quietly, "Tha doesn't look varry weel to-neet, Sammy, does ta think +tha'rt goin' to have a spell o' sickness?" "Noa, but awm sick o' +spellin', for t'gaffer's allus agate on me becoss aw connot spell +'which.' Aw've spell'd it wich-whitch-witch-an' which-du' awl goa to +hummer if aw can tell which is which even nah. Aw wish ther worn't a +which." + +"Which witch does ta mean, Sammy?" + +"Aw can't tell which which, aw wish aw could." + +"A'a Sammy," shoo sed, an shoo threw her arms raand his neck, "tha's +taen a load offmy mind!" + +"Well, you've putten me one on to mi waistcoit." + +"Tak it off, lad, for tha doesn't need it! Tha doesn't know hah thankful +aw am, for when aw wor tawkin' to thi maister yesterday he sed tha wor +troubled wi' witches, an' aw sewed t'horseshoe on to scare 'em." + +"Which whiches did he mean?" + +"Which witches witch?" + +"Aw can't tell which is which." + +"Nivver heed which it is, Sammy, soa long as it isn't a witch. If it's +nobbut a difference ov a letter or two aw can't see 'at it means owt. +Goa thi ways to bed, an' dooant let me have to call on thee for a clock +haar before tha frames to get up." + + + + +Hard to Pleeas. + + +"Aa, well! Wonders'll nivver cease! Come thi ways in! Whativver's browt +thee here ov a day like this? It isn't fit to turn a dog aght ot door." + +"Noa lass, an' if awd been a dog aw dooant think awst ha turned aght, +but bein' a poor widdy woman my life's war nor a dog's life onny day ith +wick." + +"Tak thi bonnet an shawl off an creep up to th' range. Awm sure awm fain +tha's com'd, for aw wor gettin' reight looansum, for my felly an booath +oth lads have gooan to th' taan, an they'll nooan be back afoor neet. +But what is it 'at's made thee turn aght ov a day like this?" + +"Tha may weel ax, but aw hardly dar tell thee Nanny, for aw knaw varry +weel 'at them 'at goa a borrowin' goa a sorrowin', an to mak a long +stooary short, awve come to see if tha can leean me ten shillin' wol awr +Harriet Ann's next draw day, for awm behund hand wi mi rent, an tha +knows what sooart ov a chap awr landlord is, for although we've lived i' +yond haase aboon twenty year, he'd think noa moor abaat puttin' th' bums +in, if we were an haar behund wi th' rent, nor he wod o' spittin' aght." + +"Why, Jenny, tha knows hah awm fixed, Aw've nooan too mich to stir on, +for yond lads' bellies tak moor fillin' nor onnybody'd believe, an' that +felly o' mine smooks moor bacca nor aw do believe ud fill a seck. He's +nivver th' pipe aght ov his maath nobbut when he's aitin or else asleep, +an not allus then, an as times is it's ommost a wonder to see a shillin' +or two, an' aw've nivver had a new cap sin last Mikelmas, an ther's noa +signs 'at aw see on, for awr Alick's naggin' at me ivvery day for a new +this or a new that, wol mi life's a looad to me; but awl see what aw can +do for thee, but goodness knaws awm poor enuff." + +Soa Nanny went to th' little corner cubbord, an after clatterin' th' +cups an plates abaat, shoo managed to find ten shillin', an shoo caanted +'em aght one bi one, an' then wi a sigh 'at wor ommost a sob, shoo sed, +"Thear it is, an aw hooap tha'll net forget to let me have it back as +sooin as tha can. But hah is it tha's managed to run short?" + +"A'a, lass! It's th' same old tale. It matters little what yo do for a +child at this day, yo're niver onny better thowt on, and when they've +takken th' bit aght o' yer maath, they'd have yor teeth if they could +mak onny use on 'em. Aw think awr Harriet Ann 'll bring mi grey hairs wi +sorrow to th' grave." + +"Why, awm capt to hear thee say soa abaat her, for aw allus thowt 'at +yor Harriet Ann wor one oth nicest lasses awd iver met. But what's th' +matter? Shoo hasn't started o' gooin to th' doncin' classes or owt o' +that sooart, surelee?" + +"Nay, nowt o' that sooart; it's war nor that. Shoo's net to be called a +ill en, but shoo's sich a fooil, an if shoo sets her mind o' owt shoo'll +do it if shoo has to wade throo fire and watter. But it maks me fair +poorly to think on it, to say nowt abaat tellin' it." + +"Why, tak hold o' that teah pot an sup aght oth spaat, it'll cheer thee +up a bit; for if there is owt 'at's heartsluftin, it is what mothers +have to put up wi throo undutiful bairns." + +"A'a, aw want noa teah, lass; awd mi braikfast just afoor aw started +aght." + +"Thee taste o' that an tha'll find it'll do thee gooid." + +"Eea, an it is gooid too! That warms me reight daan to mi tooas. Ther's +nivver nowt seems to settle my stummock like a drop o' gin an watter. +But whativer maks thee keep it ith teapot?" + +"Why, tha sees, it doesn't allus do to have a bottle an a glass oth +table, for yo niver know who may pop in, an aw dooant like to set it +befoor th' childer for fear it mud tempt 'em to tak it befoor they've +getten sense to know hah to use it, an awm sewer aw should nivver think +o' lukkin t'side it wor on throo one year's end to another if it worn't +for theas pains i' mi inside, for it's phisick to me an noa mistak." + +"Aw can believe thee weel enuff, for ther's nowt seems to do as weel for +me." + +"Well, tha hasn't tell'd me thi trubble yet, an awd like to know, an may +be aw can help thee a bit, for two heeads is better nor one, if one is +nobbut--tha knows what." + +"Tha sees, awr Harriet Ann wor as gooid a lass as iver stept till shoo +began o' coortin', an th' furst warnin' aw had wor th' last draw day, +for asteead o' givin' me two paand ten, shoo nobbut gave me thirty +shillin', an when aw axed her hah it wor shoo sed aw mud try an mak it +do, for shoo wanted to buy a two-o'-three bits o' things, for shoo'd +made up her mind to get wed. Tha could ha fell'd me wi a bean when shoo +sed that, for if ther wor owt i' this world 'at aw wor anxious abaat it +wor 'at shoo'd ha moor sense nor to get wed, soa aw axed her who it wor, +but shoo nobbut laft an sed aw should varry likely know him when aw saw +him. Nah, tha knows, Nanny, it wor nivver my way to goa abaat pryin' +into other fowks' consarns, but aw couldn't do but ax one or two ov her +comrades an try to get to know who he wor, but all awve fun aght soa far +is 'at he's a young gooid-fer-nowt, 'at nawther is owt nor nivver will +be, an he wants her for nowt i' this world but to work to keep him, wol +he spends his days drinkin' an dog feightin an pidgeon flyin', an' after +all th' trouble 'at aw've been at to bring her up in a respectable way, +awm sewer it's enuff to braik th' heart ov a stooan. Shove that teah pot +on here agean, for awm reight daan faint." + +"Sup lass, for aw can sympathise wi thee, an if it 'ad been a paand +tha'd wanted to borra tha should ha had it. But tha hasn't all th' +trouble to thisen, for aw've getten a share as weel as thee. Awl tak a +drop o' that if tha'll hand th' teah pot this way. But mine's a deeal +war nor thine, for awr Alick (a better lad nivver wor born--aw used to +say when he wor a babby 'at he'd nivver live, for when he wor varry near +doubled up wi th' ballywark he'd ligg in his creddle an hardly mak a +muff) he's gooin to mak a fooil ov hissen an all, for he's pickt up some +idle trolly, an he's savin' up his brass to ware it o' her, an he's aght +two or three neets ith wick, an _if_ aw ax him owt he says, "Yo'll find +it aght in a bit," an if he doesn't find it aght it'll cap me, for his +fayther tell'd me 'at he saw him walkin' abaat last Horton Tide wi a +woman hook'd ov his arm, an what maks it war is aw've heeard at shoo's +nooan to gooid, an he's as simple as a cauf, an shoo can just twist him +raand her little finger. When aw wor puttin' his Sunday clooas away last +wick aw fan a thimmel an a hairpin, an a mintdrop 'at had been hauf +suckt (an aw know awr Alick niver aits spice) in his britches pocket, an +when he coom hooam he wor ommost ranty wol he knew what had come on 'em, +an when aw gave 'em him he lapt 'em up i' paper an lukt as suited as if +he'd fun a fortun." + +"Th' teah-pot's empty if it means owt, but aw wor just gooin to say 'at +tha knows we can nivver put old heeads onto young shoolders, an awm +sooary to hear 'at yor Alick's noa moor wit, but still it isn't as bad a +case as mine, for tha sees if a chap gets wed he's th' maister, but a +lass has to do as shoo can." + +"Nay, net it! It's th' wimmen 'at's th' maisters oth men, aw know that +mysen. Whear wod that felly o' mine ha been if it hadn't been for me? +Why he'd ha been ith warkus long sin, if he hadn't been in his grave. +Try this, sithee, it's sweeter nor th' last." + +"Eea, it's sweeter, but it 'ud do wi a drop moor gin in it if it's all +th' same to thee." + +"It is rayther waik, but as aw wor sayin', tha sees awr Alick's allus +lived at hooam, an he's nivver known what it's been to want for owt, +even to his booits bein' blackened for Sunday, an if he gets hold o' +that nasty powse (for shoo's nowt else who shoo is), whativver mun come +on him." + +"Eea, an whativer mun come o' awr Harriet Ann? Did ta put owt into th' +teah-pot, Nanny?" + +"Aw filled it nobbut a minnit sin, an if it's empty tha must ha supt +it." + +"Nay, awve nobbut tasted abaat twice. Happen it runs." + +"Awm sure it runs, but it's aght oth spaat. Put it aght oth seet. Ther's +awr Alick comin' up th' gate, an yor Harriet Ann follerin' him. It's +reight fair wearisome. If a body gets set daan for a bit ov a talk +ther's sure somebdy to come. What's browt yo two here at this time aw +should like to know?" "Whear's ta left thi fayther, Alick?" + +"He's gooan to luk at some pigs aw believe. He said he'd be hooam i' +gooid time, an yo hadn't to get him onny drinkin' ready, for he'd have +some o' that cold broth." + +"Then he's baan drinkin'! Aw know as weel as can be, for he allus taks +some wrang-heeaded noation when he's baan to get a bellyful o' ale. A'a! +It caps me what fowk can see i' gooin an makkin a swill tub o' ther +guts! If aw mud ha my mind ther shouldn't be a drop for onybody unless +they wor poorly! But whear's ta been, Harriet Ann? Aw thowt tha wor at +thi wark?" + +"Shoo wod ha been but for me," sed Alick; "but aw chonced to meet her, +an as we'd a bit o' bizness we gate that done, an then we went on to +Jenny's, but th' door wor lockt, soa aw sed varry likely shoo'd be up +here, an it seems aw wor abaat reight, an aw persuaded Harriet Ann to +come up wi me, for it isn't fit weather for noa Christian to be aght +in." + +"Come on an sit thee daan, Alick. Awm sooary to hear sich a bad accaant +on thee, but tha art better nor awr Harriet Ann, for shoo knows awm +behund wi mi rent, an shoo couldn't do but waste another day." + +"Dooant yo bother yersen, Jenny, we've just com'd to keep yo company a +bit. Aw say, mother! dooant yo think yo've a drop o' summat short, 'at +yo could mak Harriet Ann a sup to keep her throo catchin' cowld?" + +"Tha knows ther's nowt 'short' i' this haase nobbut a drop o' gin 'at's +kept o' purpose for thi fayther when he's th' backwark, but as it's +Harriet Ann awl mak her a little drop." + +"A'a, aw cannot sup all that, Nanny, aw nobbut want a tooithful," sed +Harriet. + +"Ther's happen somdy else wants th' cold keepin' aght as weel as thee," +sed Jenny. + +"Awve been hearin' some sad tales abaat thee Harriet Ann," sed Nanny. +"Awve allus thowt as mich o' thee as if tha wor one o' mi own, an' thi +mother's been tellin' me abaat some sad gooins on; but aw hooap 'at +tha'll allus remember 'at tha's coine ov a daycent stock, an awm sewer +yon gooid-for-nowt 'at's allus hankerin' after thee meeans thee noa +gooid. Bi all aw can hear he's a low-lived offal'd scamp, an' if tha +gets wed to him tha'll have to sup sorrow bi spooinsful." + +"Dooant keep that gin all to thisen. Basta noa manners?" sed Jenny. + +"Aw dooant know what yo're tawkin abaat," sed Harriet. + +"Yi tha does; aw meean that chap 'at's reckonin' to cooart thee! When aw +wor thy age awd moor sense nor to believe ivvery lyin' lumpheead 'at +coom i' mi way, but lasses dooant seem to care who get's 'em nah. If +it's owt ith shape ov a felly it'll do." + +"Why, awm sewer yo must be mistakken, Nanny, for ther's nubdy cooartin' +me." + +"Nah it's noa gooid denyin' it 'coss awr Alick's here, for yo're both +ith same box! He's as big a fooil as thee! Net 'at awve owt ageean him +gettin' wed, net aw! Aw shall be rare an' glad to be shut on him, but aw +did think he'd have gumshun enuff to luk aght for somdy 'at wodn't +disgrace booath him an' all 'at belangs to him. But he Wor allus a +strackle brain, an' he will be till he's bowt his wit, an' it'll be +varry weel for him if he doesn't buy it too dear. But if he does wed a +trolly like her, he mun keep her, an' aw hooap he'll nivver let me see +her, that's all; for shoo shall nivver enter my door nor have a bite nor +a sup in a haase o' mine! Here, Harriet Ann, lass, taste o' this for awm +Sure tha luks as if tha'd do wi' summat." + +"Aw dooant know what yo meean, mother," said Alick, "for awm sewer my +cooartin days is ovver." + +"If aw thowt they wor aw should be th' happiest woman under th' sun, but +tha must ha dropt it varry suddenly." + +"Well, it's true, an awl promise yo 'at awl nivver start agean till +ther's a death ith family." + +"What wor aw tellin' thee, Jenny, before he come in? Isn't he a gooid +lad thinks ta? He'll nivver get wed wol his old mother's alive, he's too +mich sense." + +"He's a lad to be praad on, Nanny; aw wish awr Harriet Ann could say +like him." + +"Awl promise yo 'at awl nivver cooart agean whether ther's a deeath ith +family or net." + +"You've booath turned varry gooid all ov a sudden, aw should like to +know what it all meeans?" + +"It means nowt, mother, nobbut this-'at Harriet Ann an me thowt we could +be varry comfortable together, an soa we've getten wed this mornin'." + +"Yo desarve to be horsewipt! Awm in a gooid mind to thresh thee Alick as +long as aw can bide to stand ovver thee! Had ta noa more sense nor' to +throw thisen away after a thing like Harriet Ann." + +"Does ta meean ta tell me 'at tha'd noa more respect for thisen nor to +wed a haufthick like Alick. A'a, Harriet Ann, what wod thi fayther ha +sed if he'd been here?" + +"Awr Alick's noa fooil Jenny I dooant thee say that. Yor Harriet Ann +knew what shoo wor dooin." + +"Awr Harriet Ann's as gooid as yor Alick!" + +"Well, awr Alick's as gooid as yor Harriet Ann!" + +"Noa daat we're one as gooid as t'other, an as we're satisfied aw think +yo owt to be, an' here's yor varry gooid health," sed Alick, seizin hold +oth teah-pot to sup. + +"Put that daan! Tha doesn't want onny teah!" sed Nanny. + +"It's geoid teah is this; aw've monny a time ta'en a gooid swig aght o' +that teah-pot before to-day." + +"O, soa that's where thi fayther's physic go as is it. Tha's allus been +a bad lad Alick, an' awve had to put up wi' thee, but dooant say owt +abaat th' teah-pot to thi fayther." + +"It's ommost time mi fayther wor here, isn't it?" + +"Well, aw dooant know ha yo can fashion to luk him ith face when he does +come, but it's done nah, so we shall have to mak th' best on it, but +awst niver forgie Harriet Ann for deceivin' me. Here's thi fayther! Nah +for it! Aw wish aw wor a thaasand mile away throo here this minit." + +"Hallo! Are yo havin' a teah-drinkin'. What's to do, Jenny?" + +"Nay, yo mun ax yor Nanny." + +"What's up, Nanny lass?" + +"Can't ta see what's up? Tha must be blind aw think or else druffen! Aw +could see what wor to do as sooin as aw dapt mi een on 'em! Awr Alick +an' Harriet Ann's gooan an getten wed, that's what's to do!" + +"Why, an' a gradely pair they mak! Aw nivver thowt tha wor hawf sich a +judge ov a lass as tha's proved thisen. Aw allus sed aw thowt Harriet +Ann wor th' bonniest lass i' Yorksher. Awm soa suited wol awd ommost +forgetten awd th' backwark. Is there a drop o' gin i' that bottle, +Nanny?" + +"Tha gets a deal more gin than does thee onny gooid, an aw think that +backwark is oft an excuse." + +"Dooant lets have onny grumlin' o'th' weddin' day, for Alick's suited me +to nowt, an awm sewer shoo's th' lass awve heeard thee say tha could +like him to have." + +"Awve nowt agean th' match 'at aw know on, nobbut they should ha been +content to wait a year or two. They're both on 'em sadly to young." + +"Why, thee an' me started when we wor monny a year younger nor them. Awr +Alick wor born before tha wor as old as Harriet Ann. Awve wondered monny +a time if Alick wor iver baan to start.' + +"Has ta noa moor sense nor to talk like that afoor bits o' childer. If +shoo's as mich bother wi' him as awve had wi' thee, shoo'l wish shoo'd +nivver set een on him." + +"But whear do yo meean to live? Yo'll want a haase somewhear." + +"We've takken yond little cottage 'at yo can see o'th' hill-side yonder, +an' we've getten a bit o' furniture into it for a start." + +"Why, that's the varry haase aw allus sed aw should like to live in if +ivver awd to flit," sed Jenny. + +"Well, yo can come as sooin as yo like an' keep for Harriet Ann company, +an' if yo'll nobbut behave yorsen awl buy yo a teah-pot like that o' mi +mother's, an' yo can have it oth hob end throo morn to neet." + +"That's reight enuff Alick, but aw should ha been better satisfied if-- + +"That's what aw say Jenny, aw should ha been better satisfied if-- + +"Caar ye daan, an' let th' young ens alooan, for for like all old +wimmen, for hard to pleeas." + + + + +Ratcatchin'. + + +Ther's roguery i' ivvery trade but awrs, awve' heeard fowk say, an +"ivverybody's honest till they're fun aght." That white hen at' nivver +lays away hasn't been hatched yet. It taks all sooarts to mak a world an +aw suppooas if they wornt ratcatchers ther'd be summat short. Sam +Sniffle wor a karacter in his way, he seemed to have a bit ov a +smatterin' o' iverything, but what he professed to know th' mooast abaat +wor dogs an rats. Noa daat he had a bit o' knowledge, but what wor far +more sarviceable to him nor owt else wor a simple luk 'at he could put +on, an' a bit ov a lisp 'at he had, made him seem soa harmless an simple +'at yo wodn't believe it possible for him to do owt wrang. He worn't +varry big, but he wor varry wiry, an as full o' pluck as a gamcock. + +Aw remember one neet as he wor gooin hooam (net becoss he thowt it wor +time, but becoss his brass wor done), he happened to hear a bobby comin' +as he turned th' street corner. It wor varry dark, soa he just stept +back an waited for him comin', an as sooin as his heead popt past th' +corner, he gave him what he called a cauf-knock an sent him sprawlin' +his whoal length ith middle oth rooad. He wor hardly daan befoor Sam ran +to help him up. "A'a! whativver's to do mister poleeceman?" he sed. "Are +yo hurt? Do tell me," an he helpt him up an began to wipe th' muck off +his clooas wi' his pocket hankerchy. Th' poleeceman turned his +bull's-eye onto his face, but nubdy could suspect Sam. "Did ta see it +done?" he axd. "Eea, aw saw it as fair as could be. It's a burnin' shame +'at sich like fowk cannot be stransported! it is act'ly. Awm sewer aw +could ommost roar mi een up when aw see onnybody ill used like that." +"Does ta think tha'd know him if tha'd to see him agean?" axd th' bobby. +"Awm sewer aw' could, an' th' furst time he passes me awl bring him up +to th' poleece office if aw have to wheel him in a barro." "Well, here's +a shillin' for helpin' me up, an be sewer an keep thi een oppen." "Nay, +nay, keep yor brass," sed Sam, "awm naoan one a' that sooart 'at wants +payin' for dooin a kindness 'at costs me nowt, but awl tak it, tho' awst +nivver have th' heart to spend it, but awm mich obleeged to yo, an aw +wish yo gooid neet, an hooap yo'll meet wi noa moor misfortunes." "Aw +hooap net, an' if they wor all like thee th' poleece ud have a easy time +on it." "Why, maister, if they wor all like me ther wodn't be onny +poleece, for aw havn't a heart i' mi belly big enuff for sich a job." +Sam left him, an th' furst public haase he coome to he went in an had a +rare spree wi' th' shillin', but when he coom aght, if onnybody'd met +him they'd ha been just as likely to think he'd been to a teetotal +meetin' an' signed th' pledge. + +But if yo'd wanted to see him when he put on his varry simple smile, yo +should ha seen him when a lady browt him a pet dog 'at wor poorly. He +wor noated far an wide as a dog doctor, an ladies used to come throo all +pairts wi ther pet's to ax Sam's advice. Hahivver ugly a little brute +chonced to be brawt, Sam had his nomony ready. "A'a, that is a little +beauty, mum, aw havn't seen one like that, mum, aw can't say when, mum. +Aw dooant think yo'd like to pairt wi' it mum?" + +"Oh, no! I would not part with it for its weight in gold I It's such a +faithful little dear!" + +"Awm sewer on it, mum, yo can see it in it. It's the varry picture o' +faithfulishness. If yo leeav it wi' me it'll be weel takken care on, +mum. An what name might yo call it, mum?" + +"We call it Lion." + +"That's just th' name for a little pet like this, it is fer sewer." + +"What do you think is the matter with the little darling?" + +Then Sam ud tak it in his hands, an after strokin' it an smellin' at its +breath, he'd give it a nip 'at ud mak it yelp aght ten thaasand murders, +then he'd shake his heead an say, "Aw thowt what wor th' matter as sooin +as aw saw it, mum; yo see it's soa varry tender it can hardly bide +touchin'. It's sufferin wi' enflimashun ov its liver. It's a strange +thing, but it's a disease 'at's gooin abaat amang dogs just at present. +Ther's monny a scoor dee ivvery wick, for yo see ther's net monny 'at +know hah to doctor 'em for it. It's a pratty little thing. It'll have to +have some castor hoil an a paather, mum. Aw think aw can cure it in a +wick, mum." + +"Well, then, I must leave it with you, and be sure to treat the little +thing kindly." + +"Kindly! Why, mum, awd give it th' bit aght o' mi maath. It owt to have +some warm milk an a paather th' furst thing, but aw dooant happen to +have onny ith haase, an my lad willn't be hooam befoor dark, an it's +been awr rent day to-day, but as sooin: as ivver he comes wi his wage +awl get it some, tho' it's a pity, poor thing, 'at it connot have it +nah, but yo see aw didn't know 'at it wor comin'." + +After this speech he wor sewer to get a shillin', an sometimes +hauf-a-craan, an as he nivver reckoned owt off his doctor's bill, he +called that "extra bunce." + +As sooin as shoo'd getten nicely aght oth gate he'd give it a claat oth +side oth heead, to let it know at th' beginnin' what it might expect if +it didn't behave, an then he'd tak it into th' cellar an tee some band +raand it neck an festen it to th' wall, an throw it a bit o' strea to +lig on, an after chuckin' it a crust o' breead an' givin' it some +watter, he'd leeav it tellin' it 'at as sooin as it had browt its +stummack daan to that it ud noa daat feel better. It ud be pratty sewer +to freat a bit but Sam ud tak noa noatice wol th' next day, an when he +went to luk at it, if he fan th' breead an waiter untouched he'd leeav +it agean. Abaht th' third day he says they generally begin to nibble a +bit, an as sooin as he saw that he used to give 'em a bit o' sop or +summat, but he took gooid care net to give 'em too mich. Bi th' end oth +wick they wor cured, an' he used to wesh 'em an cooam 'em, an tee a bit +a blue ribbon raand ther neck, an' tak 'em hooam, an' when ther +mistresses saw 'em jumpin' an' caperin' abaat, an ommost fit to ait th' +fire iron's, they paid him what he charged withaat a word, an gave him +credit for being th' best dog doctor ith country. + +He made a gooid deal o' brass i' that way, but that didn't pay him as +weel as ratcatchin'. Ther wor nivver onnybody could equal Sam at catch +in' a rat, for he wor nivver known to fail. At all th' big haases ith +district he wor as weel known! as th' pooastman. He's gien up th' trade +nah, or else aw wodn't let yo into th' saycret. This is th' way he used +to do. Th' cooachman or th' buttler throo Some hall wod come to tell Sam +'at he wor wanted as sooin as ivver he could spare time, to goa up to +th' hall to catch a rat 'at one oth sarvents had seen ith pantry, for +they wor all soa freetened 'at they darn't goa in. + +Sam wod promise to be up directly, an he'd put a net into his coit +pocket, an a two-o-three breead crumbs in a bit o' paper, an a rat, +ommost as big as a kittlin, but withaat a tooith in its heead, into his +inside brast pocket, an then he'd set off. When he gate thear all th' +sarvent lasses ud cluther raand him an tell him whear th' rat had been +seen an all particulars. "Well, they're a nasty thing to have abaat a +haase, an a varry dangerous thing; but awl do mi best to catch it if +yo'll give me a sup o' ale if yo have it, an if net, pooarter'll do. Aw +want it to mix up summat to tice it aght." They seldom browt less nor a +quairt, an after takkin abaat a thimbleful to mix up his breead crumbs, +he swallow'd t'other for fear on it bein wasted. Then he'd tak a cannel +an goa to whear th' rat had been last seen, an all th' lasses followin +at a distance. After puttin his bait on th' floor an th' cannel ith far +corner, he'd begin chirpin an huntin under th' barrels an all abaat to +see if ther wor a rat, but as he seldom fan one, when he thowt he'd +carried it on long enuff, he'd set up a gurt shaat, "It's here! it's +here!" an pawse th' cannel ovver with his fooit, an as they couldn't +tell where it might be they all flew off skrikin, leavin' Sam to quietly +pool his "owd forrester," as he called him, aght ov his pocket an lap it +up ith net an come aght holdin' it at arms' length. Then away went th' +haasekeeper to tell th' mistress, an th' mistress to tell th' maister, +an in a varry few minits ivverybody abaat th' place wor ith kitchen, +standin in a ring wi Sam an th' rat ith middle. Sam wor a hero just +then, but to luk at his face yo'd fancy he hadn't sense enuff to know +it. Ov coorse ther wor nowt to gooid for Sam after that, an he'd allus +as mich to ait an drink as he could tuck into him an a hauf-a-craan +beside. Aw dooant know hah monny times he catched that rat, but aw do +know 'at he catched it three times i' one haase, an he tell'd me he made +as mich brass on it as monnya chap could mak wi a horse an cart. He'd a +deeal more queer tricks, but as he gate older he gave it up, for he said +it wor all vanity; an as he wanted to settle daan an leead a quiet life, +he tuk a beershop, an nah he amuses hiss en an his customers wi sittin' +at th' end oth langsettle an tellin' his experience, an if one hawf o' +what he says is true, when he dees he owt to be put under a glass shade +an stuck ith Halifax museum. + + + + +Owd Moorcock. + + +It's monny a long year sin what awm gooin to tell tuk place, but aw +remember it as weel as if it wor yesterday. He wor a queer sooart ov a +chap, wor owd Drake, an although some laft at him, an considered him an +oddity, ther wor a gooid deeal moor 'at believed him to be a born +genius. He wor a cobbler bi trade, an a varry gooid cobbler too, tho' +he'd nivver sarved his time to it; an altho' he'd had two or three gooid +chonces o' startin' business ith' taan, yet he allus shook his heead, an +sed he'd rayther goa on as he wor a bit longer. Th' fact wor he loved +his liberty, an he'd getten a noashun 'at if he left his little hooam i' +th' country, he'd leeav his freedom wi it. An it's hardly to be wondered +at, for his snug cot lukt th' pictur' o' comfort. It wor a one-stooary +buildin' wi a straw thack, an all th' walls wor covered wi honeysuckle +an' jessamine, an th' windows could hardly be seen for th' green leaves +'at hung as a veil i' th' front on 'em. Stooan-crop an haaseleek had +takken up a hooam i' th' gutter, an th' chimley wor ommost hid wi ivy. +It wor a queer-shaped place altogether--all nucks an corners--But it +wor just what suited David. They called him David Drake, tho' he wor +known best as Owd Moorcock. I' th' front wor a nice bit o' garden, allus +kept trim, an seldom withaat a show o' bloom o' one sooart or another; +an away to one side wor what he called his farm--a bit o' land abaat ten +yards wide, an twenty long--whear he grew his cabbages an puttates an +sich like; an all araand for miles wor moorland covered wi heather, an +stockt wi game, except at th' back ov his cot, whear a bluff-lukkin hill +sprang ommost straight up, makkin' a stranger feel afeeard lest it +should tak a fancy to topple over an' bury booath th' cot an all in it. +But if th' aghtside wor curious, th' inside wor a deal moor soa; an it +wornt to be wondered at if a gooid monny fowk paid David a visit when +they'd hauf a day to spare. He'd a wife--geniuses generally manage to +get a wife if they get nowt else, an it isn't allus 'at they mak th' +wisest choice; but David mud ha done war, for Dolly-o'-Dick's-o'-th'- +Dike, as shoo wor called, wor as queer a customer as her husband, an if +we're to believe what shoo says, if it hadn't ha been for her, Dave wod +ha been a poor lost craytur. Shoo didn't appreciate his genius that's +true, but wives as a rule niver do; but shoo let him have his own way, +an sometimes, when her wark wor done, shoo'd even help him wi some of +his fooilery. Aw'd heeard a gooid deal abaat 'em, soa one day aw +detarmined aw'd pay 'em a visit, soa, after gettin' off at th' Copley +Station, aw started to climb a rough, steep loin, moor like th' bed of a +beck nor owt else, but trees o' awther side hung over wol they met at +th' top, an made a cooil shade 'at wor varry welcome, for aw wor ommost +sweltered. After a long scramel aw fan misen o Norland Moor--an it wor a +seet worth tewing for, for th' heather wor i' bloom, an it lukt as if a +purple carpet had been laid for th' buzzards an bees to frolic on; an +ther wor sich a hum raand wol it saanded as if they wor playin' bass to +th' skylarks 'at wor warblin' up aboon. Aw struck aght in as straight a +line as aw could for David's, an havin come to th' garden gate, aw stopt +a minnit to admire th' flaars 'at covered th' graand an th' walls, an +even stretched far onto th' thack. Aw hadn't stood long when a voice +claise to my ear sed-- + +"Might yo be lukkin' for somdy?" + +"Are yo Mistress Drake?" aw axed. + +"Eea, aw believe aw am; but what might yo be wantin'? If yo've owt to +sell yo've comed to th' wrang shop, for brass is varry scarce here?" + +"Aw've nobbut comed to see yor maister," aw sed; "is he in?" + +"Nay, he isn't, an aw dooant know whear yo'll find him, for aw've niver +met him yet; but if it's awr Dave yo meean, he's inside, soa yo can walk +forrad, an if it's onny shoes yo want mendin', aw can see to that as +weel as him, for he's reckonin' to be thrang this afternoon?" + +"Aw've nobbut come to have a bit o' tawk," aw sed. + +"Oh, if that's all yo can come in; there's a deeal moor fowk come to +tawk to him nor what brings him any wark; but it's happen as weel, for +if it worn't for me bein' allus naggin' at him, he'd nivver get done th' +bit he does; an as it is, he's hammerin' away when he owt to be i' bed, +an' keepin' ivverybody else wakken; but aw've tried to taich him sense +wol aw'm fair stall'd, soa he mun goa his own gate an tak th' +consequences. Come yor ways; we's find him i' th' far raam makkin marks +an' spoilin' cleean paper." + +We went up a narrow passage, an as th' door wor oppen aw'd a gooid luk +at David an his raam befoor he saw me. It wor a varry little place, wi a +varry little winder, an hardly heigh enuff for a chap to stand up in, +and all th' walls wor covered wi picturs, an he wor set cloise to th' +winder hard at wark at another. He wor a short, fat +gooid-tempered-lukkin chap, wi a bald heead an just a bit o' white hair +hingin' daan like a fringe all raand, an his cheeks wor as red as a ripe +apple, an his hands, brooad an braan, show'd they'd had to face booath +wark an weather. As Dolly went in he lukt up an saw me. + +"Come in," he sed, "come in do, it's varry whut, sit yo daan. Whativer +browt ye up here to-day? Why, yo'll be ommost melted. Can yo sup some +buttermilk?" An he filled a glass 'at stood o' th' table, an handed it +to me. Aw swollered it, an then aw sed, "Aw thowt as aw'd a bit o' spare +time awd just come up an mak yor acquaintance, for awve heeard a gooid +deeal abaat yo, an happen yo'll nooan think onny war o' me for comin' bi +misel'." + +"Tha's done reight to come, lad; aw'm allus glad to see anybody pop in. +Aw wor just thrang makkin marks, as awr Dolly calls it, but, as awd +nivver onybody to taich me, awm feeared aw havn't getten th' reight way +o' gooin abaat it yet. Yo see all theeas picturs? Well, yo'll not think +mich on 'em, but sich as they are, they please me, an they niver ait +owt." + +"An what are ta shappin at nah?" sed Dolly. + +"This is to be th' erupshun o' Maant Vesuvius." + +"Why, what is it eruptin' for?" sed Dolly. "Aw guess it's like thee, +it's nowt better to do? Is that th' reason tha's put so mich brimston' +colour abaat it? Ther's nowt better nor brimston' an traitle for curin' +erupshuns." + +"Dolly, aw've tell'd thee for aboon twenty year 'at tha's noa taste +nobbut for summut to ait, an yond lad tak's after thee. Aw'd allus a +fancy for my lad to be an artist," he sed, turnin' to me, "but he seems +to care moor abaat hawkin' bits o' garden stuff; but then we am't all +born alike, an aw made up mi mind nivver to try to foorce him to owt 'at +he'd noa hankerin' after, for if aw'd had two trades to pick aght on, an +one on 'em had been cobblin, awst ha takken t'other whativver it had +been; but aw could ha liked mi lad to ha been summut better, for aw gave +him a gooid name when he wor kursened; but yo cannot order theeas things +as yo wod." + +"Noa; an it's a gooid job yo cannot, for aw've quite enuff to put up wi +to have thee messin' abaat as tha does; but aw know varry weel that lad +wod ha been a painter if tha'd had patience to taich him. But whear's +that pictur' he did paint? Tha'rt fond enuff o' shewin' thi own wark; +let's luk at somdy's else." + +"He nivver tried his hand but once, an it wor this," he sed, as he' +pooled one aght o' th' corner, "an when he showed it me aw'd to luk at +it for a long time befoor aw could tell what to mak on it, but at last +aw decided it wor a camel; but he wor soa mad 'at he sed he'd nivver +paint another so long as he lived, for it wor a drake. Soa, to prevent +onybody else makkin sich another mistak, aw've written on th' bottom' +This is a drake." + +"Tha can say what tha likes, David, but hawf a bad en, an if yo can +nobbut catch leets, aw'm sewer ther's monny a thing less like a drake +nor that. Dooant yo think soa?" shoo sed, turnin' to me. + +Aw sed aw thowt soa, too: an then David axed me to goa into his study, +"For yo mun know," he sed, "aw've a study, an a studio, an a museum, an +a wild beast show i, this haase, as little as it is." + +He led the way into another raam abaat as big as that we'd left, an +showed me a row o' shelves filled wi books, an a little table covered wi +papers; an aw tell'd him aw thowt he wor quite a literary sooart ov a +chap. + +"Why," he sed, "aw've allus been fond o' readin' sin aw wor a bit ov a +lad, an sometimes aw string a line or two together 'at jingles varry +nicely, an two or three times aw've had some printed i'th' papers. Mun, +it's varry nice to be able to sit daan an eease yor mind wi writin' a +bit, even if nubdy reads it. That lad o' mine cares nowt abaat it; aw +wish he did, for aw believe if he'd takken to study he'd ha been a +wonder, for he's a rare heead--it tak's a hat ommost as big as a +coil-skep to fit it. Aw gate him to try one time, an he wor a whole day +i' gettin' theeas four lines, aw allus keep 'em by me, for aw know he'll +nivver write ony moor.":-- + + 'Aw once wor lost on Norland Moor, + An' if aw'd ne'er been fun, + Mooast likely aw'st a been thear yet, + An nah mi tale is done.' + +"Tha'rt varry fond o' runnin daan them 'at belangs to thee," sed Dolly, +"an to hear thee tawk fowk ud think he could nivver do owt reight; but +if that isn't poetry, aw should like to know what is, for awm sewer +ther's a deeal more common sense in it nor ther is i' lots o' thine. But +thear he is gooin past th' winder, an he knows ther isn't a drop o' +watter i' th' haase, an aw can't bide to fotch ony. If he's like his +fayther i' nowt else he is i' leavin' ivverything for me to do; but +aw'll let him see different!" an throwing th' winder oppen, shoo yell'd +aght, "Rubensrembrandtvandyke Drake! Tha'll come in this minit, or else +aw'll warm thee!" An away shoo flew aght. + +"Whativver made yo call him sich a name as that?" aw axed. + +"Why, aw'd a fancy he'd be a cliver chap if he lived, an soa aw gave him +a cliver name; but if aw had it to do nah, aw think summat less wad ha +to fit him. But let's have a luk at th' museum." + +"Aw should like to hear one o' yor pieces," aw sed, "if yo'd be soa +gooid as to reead one." + +If that'll suit thee, aw'll reead one, an welcome. Ther's one here 'at +aw wor felterin' mi brain wi' last neet: + + 'Aw'm havin' a smook bi misel', + Net a soul here to spaik a word to, + Aw've noa gossip to hear nor to tell, + An ther's nowt I feel anxious to do. + + Aw've noa noashun o' writin' a line, + Tho' aw've jist dipt mi pen into th' ink, + Towards wor kin aw don't mich incline, + An aw'm ommost to lazy to think. + + Aw've noa riches to mak me feel vain, + An yet aw've as mich as aw need; + Aw've noa sickness to cause me a pain, + An noa troubles to mak mi heart bleed, + + Awr Dolly's crept off to her bed, + An aw hear shoo's beginnin' to snoor; + (That upset me when furst we wor wed, + But nah it disturbs me noa moor.) + + Like me, shoo taks things as they come, + Makkin th' best o' what falls to her lot, + Shoo's content wi her own humble hooam, + For her world's i' this snug little cot. + + We know 'at we're both growin' old, + But Time's traces we hardly can see; + An tho' fifty years o'er us have roll'd, + Shoo's still th same young Dolly to me. + + Her face may be wrinkled an grey, + An her een may be losin' ther shine, + But her heart's just as leetsum to-day + As it wor when aw first made her mine. + + Aw've mi hobbies to keep mi i' toit, + Aw've noa whistle nor bell to obey, + Aw've mi wark when aw like to goa to it, + An mi time's all mi own, neet an day. + + An tho' some pass mi by wi a sneer, + An some pity mi lowly estate, + Aw think aw've a deealless to fear + Nor them 'at's soa wealthy an great. + + When th' sky stretches aght blue an breet, + An th' heather's i' blossom all raand, + Makkin th' mornin's cooi! breezes smell sweet, + As they rustle along ovver th' graand. + + When aw listen to th' lark as he sings + Far aboon, ommost lost to mi view, + Aw lang for a pair ov his wings, + To fly wi him, an sing like him, too. + + When aw sit under th' shade ov a tree, + Wi mi book, or mi pipe, or mi pen, + Aw think them 'at's sooary for me + Had far better pitty thersen. + + When wintry storms howl ovver th' moor, + An snow covers all, far an wide, + Aw carefully festen mi door, + An creep claise up to th' fire inside. + + A basin o' porridge may be, + To some a despisable dish, + But it allus comes welcome to me, + If aw've nobbut as mich as aw wish + + Mi cloas are old-fashioned, they say, + An aw havn't a daat but it's true; + Yet they answer ther purpose to-day + Just as weel as if th' fashion wor new. + + Let them 'at think joys nobbut dwell + Wheear riches are piled up i' stoor, + Try to get a gooid share for thersel', + But leave me mi snug cot up o' th' moor + + Mi 'bacca's all done, soa aw'll creep + Off to bed, just as quiet as a maase + For if Dolly's disturbed ov her sleep, + Ther'n be a fine racket i' th' haase. + + Aw mun keep th' band i' th' nick if aw can, + For if shoo gets her temper once crost, + All comforts an joys aw may plan + Is just soa mich labour 'at's lost. + +"Weel, aw call that a varry nice piece; an if yo're aullus soa +contented, yo must have a happy time on it." + +"Awm happy enuff as things goa, an aw dar say aw'm as contented as th' +mooast; but it isn't allus safe to judge ov a chap bi what he writes, +for fowk often pen what they'd like things to be nor what they find 'em +to be." + +He led th' way into another raam 'at wor filled wi boxes full o' +butterflies, an buzzards, an twitch clocks, an rare an praad he wor on +'em; an then he showed me what he called his wild beeasts, but they wor +tame enuff, for they wor nowt but catterpillers, but aw believe ther wor +thaasands on 'em, all alive an feedin o' one sooart o' stuff or another; +an he tell'd me they ait a barraload o' greens ivvery day. He said he +kept 'em till they come into butterflies, an then he cured 'em an sent +'em away to London an sometimes to Paris. Th' year befoor he sent 15,000 +to one man. "Soa, yo see, awm a butterfly merchant as weel as a +cobbler," he sed. + +As we wor lukkin at 'em Dolly coom up to tell us we'd better goa to us +drinkin' if we wanted ony, for, as Rubensrembrantvandyke had started, +ther'd varry sooin be nooan left. We tuk her advice, an awm thankful to +say ther wor plenty for us all, an when we'd finished we went an sat ith +garden, an David filled his pipe an sed if awd noa objections he'd tell +me hah it happened 'at he coom to live oth moor, an th' reason fowk +called him Owd Moorcock. Aw sed nowt could suit me better, soa he began. + +"Yo mun know," sed David, "'at befoor aw gate wed an coom to live here, +aw lived in a little haase in a fold cloise to Halifax Parish +Church,--it isn't thear nah, for it's been pool'd daan to mak way for +improvements o' differernt sooarts,--an awd an idea at that time 'at aw +should like to live thear all mi life, an awd noa thowts aw should iver +get wed." + +"Its a pity tha ivver altered thi mind," said Dolly. + +"Well, happen soa,--but let me tell mi tale i' mi awn way an it'll be +finished soa mich sooiner. One Setterdy aw donn'd misen up i' mi Sundy +clooas an went for a walk throo th' market, an when aw coom to th' +butter-cross aw saw a chap 'at had a cock an two hens in a basket for +sale, an he offered 'em to me for ten shillin'. 'Ten fiddlesticks!' aw +sed, 'awl gie thee five,' an he put on a luk as if awd stab'd him to th' +heart, an begun tellin' me hah mich they'd cost him, an 'at he'd nivver +ha tried to sell 'em but he wor behund wi his rent, an wor foorced to +pairt wi 'em to keep th' bums aght, an he assured me they wor layin' +ivvery day. But th' fact wor, aw didn't want 'em at onny price, for aw'd +noa place to put 'em, an aw tell'd him soa. 'Well,' he sed, 'gie me +three hawf craans an tha shall have 'em, for aw think tha'll luk weel +after 'em an aw wodn't like 'em to be ooined.' 'Nay,' aw sed, 'aw weant +gie aboon five shillin', for awm nooan i' want on 'em.' 'If tha weant, +tha weant,' he sed, soa that settles it, but awd rayther let th' bums +tak away nearly ivvery stick aght o'th' haase nor awd take a farden less +nor seven shillin'; that's th' lowest aw ivver will tak, an if tha +doesn't buy'em at that price tha'll rue, for tha'll niver have sich a +chonce ageean.' 'Well, then, awst be like to rue,' aw sed, 'for aw weant +gie thee a hawpny moor nor five shilin'.' 'Tha'rt a hard un,' he sed, +'but If tha'll promise me tha'll treat 'em weel, an at tha'll nivver +tell anybody what tha's gien for 'em, tha shall have 'em for six +shillin'; nah, tha cannot say noa to that. Two hens an' a cock! Why it's +nobbut two shillin' a-piece, an they're as cheap as muck at hawf a +sovrin' aw think tha doesn't understand th' hen trade. Awm fair sham'd +to offer' em at sich a price, an awm sewer aw hardly dar goa hooam wi +th' brass." 'Nay,' aw sed, 'one word's just as gooid as a thaasand wi +me, an awl stick to what aw sed, an if yo like to tak five shillin' awl +buy' em, an if net yo can keep' em.' 'Tak' em wi thee,' he sed; soa aw +pottered aght five shillin', an he began bawlin' 'Sowld agean' an aw had +'em under mi arms ommost afoor aw knew what aw wor dooin, an as aw wor +walkin' away he pool'd me to one side to luk at another basketful. +'Nah,' he sed, 'yo'd better buy theeas, yo can have 'em at th' same +price, an they're better nor them. Wod yo like a two-or-three ducks or a +couple o' pigeons?' 'Aw want noa moor to-day,' aw sed, 'but awst like to +know if all theeas belang to yo?' 'All tha sees i' this row belangs to +me,' he sed, 'an if tha wants onny tha'll finnd me here ivery Setterdy, +an awl sell thee owt aw have at thi own price,' 'Well aw should think +yo'll be able to keep th' bums off if yo sell all them,' aw sed, an aw +started for hooam, but somehah aw didn't feel just as weel suited wi mi +bargain as aw thowt aw should, an aw wor bothered aboon a bit wi +wonderin' whear to put 'em, for awd noa room for 'em nobbut ith cellar, +an that wor as dark as a booit, but, hahivver, aw thowt they'd be a bit +o' company for me, for aw wor oft varry looansome, an aw should be able +to have a fresh egg for mi braikfast whenivver aw liked. As sooin as aw +gate hooam aw lit a cannel an went into th' cellar, takkin care to shut +th' door after me, an then aw unteed ther legs an set 'em at liberty. +They worn't a varry prime lot, but aw didn't care for that, for it wor +th' eggs aw wanted. Th' cock gave hissen a shak, an set up sich a +cock-a-doodle-doo wol aw wor ommost deeafened--aw nivver heeard sich a +voice i' mi life--if he'd been trained he'd ha been a rare leeader for a +rorytory--an wol aw wor wonderin' if it ud be safe to leeav 'em as they +wor wol aw went to fotch 'em some screenins, one oth hens flew onto th' +shelf whear aw kept all mi jock an stuff. 'That'll niver do,' aw thowt, +soa aw went towards it to tak it off, when th' cock tried to foller, an +wafted th' cannel aght wi his wings an let fair at th' top o' my heead, +so aw grabbed at th' shelf to steady misen, when daan it coom wi all th' +plates an pots, an sich a clatter an crash yo'd ha thowt th' haase had +tummeld. Th' milk wor all spilt, an th' breead an cheese wor rollin' +amang th' coils, an a bowl o' broth had emptied itsen onto th' front o' +mi clean shirt, an aw wor sylin weet throo mi neck to mi feet. Th' hens +wor chuckin' i' different corners, an th' cock started crowin' laader bi +th' hawff, an aw tried mi best to groap mi way up th' steps into th' +haase. Aw managed at last, an if yo could ha seen me as' aw lukt just +then, yo'd ha believed aw should niver be able 'to get cleean agean. Mi +heead wor covered wi mail, an mi clooas wor sooaked wi broth an +ornamented wi bits o' chopt carrots, an turnips, an onion skins, an hawf +a pund o' butter wor stickin' to one booit heel an pairt ov a suet +dumplin' to t'other, an as aw wor standin' wonderin' which end to begin +at to set things straight, a young woman 'at lived next door coom in to +ax me if awd been buyin' some hens, for shoo'd heeard th' cock crowin', +an when shoo saw me i' sich a pickle shoo held up her hands an skriked +as if awd getten mi throit cut. 'Whativver has ta been dooin?' shoo sed. +'Tha'rt fair flaysum to luk at.' Shut th' door, Dorothy,' aw sed, 'an +come in an see if yo can help me aght o' this mess;' soa she put th' +door to, an aw tell'd her all hah it had happened. 'Why,' shoo sed, 'tha +mun tak all thi clooase off, for they'll have to goa into th' +tub-ther'll nowt ivver get that greeas off but bailin' watter an weshin +licker; goa upstairs an get 'em all off an fling 'em daan to me, an awl +see if aw can do owt wi 'em.' 'Awl pay yo whativver yo charge,' aw sed, +'an if aw dooant screw yond cock an hens' necks raand it'll be becoss +awve changed mi mind!' 'O tha'll manage weel enuff wi 'em after this,' +shoo sed, 'tha knows th' hen trade is like ivverything else, it wants +sombdy 'at understands it; but that cock's a rare voice; is it a young +un? Sithee, th' childer's standin' ith middle oth yard wonderin' wheal +th' noise comes throo.' + +Aw went up stairs an tuk off all mi clooas an threw' em daan to +Dorothy, an a grand lot they lukt, an awd just pool'd on mi warty +britches when shoo called aght, 'David, David! I come this minnit! Th' +childer's oppend th' cellar winder an letten th' cock aght!' Daan stairs +aw flew withaat stoppin' to festen mi gallowses or put mi booits on, an +as sooin as aw went aght th' lads set up a shaat an th' cock flew into a +chamber winder at t'other side o' th' yard. Th' naybors all coom runnin' +aght, an Dorothy foller'd me wi mi clooas tukt under her arm, an a shirt +sleeve an a britches slop trailin' behund her. Aw ran into th' haase +after th' cock, an' withaat spaikin a word to Sam or his dowter, 'at wor +just at ther dinner, aw baanced upstairs and shut th' winder to mak sure +'at it couldn't get aght, an then aw called aght, 'It's nobbut me, Sam, +my new cock's flown into your window, an awve coom'd for it, wi ta help +me to catch it?' 'Why, has ta nobbut just getten aght o' bed? Aw think +it ud seem thee better to put thi clooas on befoor tha cooms runnin' +into a body's haase this fashion, scarin' ivverybbody aght o' ther +wits.' + +'Yo mun excuse me this time,' aw sed, 'its noa fault o' mine. Come an +help me to catch this chap.' Soa they booath coom up, but that cock had +made up his mind net to be catched, an he'd peearkt up fair at top oth +bed heead, an he set up another crow wi as mich impudence as if he'd +been on his own middin. Sam made a grab at it, an it flew to th' +winder-bottom, upsettin two plant-pots, an we all made a rush for it, +but it slipt past an swept all th' chany ornaments off th' mantel-shelf +an made a dive at th' chimley, an away it went aght oth seet. Th' lass +skrikt wi all her might, an Sam shaated, an aw made as mich din as aw +could tryin' to keep 'em quiet, an th' cock screamed ith chimley wor nor +a railway whistle. Bi this time ther wor a craad o' thirty or forty fowk +aghtside, an they wor callin aght for th' police, for they seemed to +think ther wor one or two gettin' murdered at least, an things began to +luk serious. 'Tha'll have a bonny penny to pay for this,' sed Sam. 'Ha +can ta feshun? Just luk at all them ornaments brokken to bits, an th' +plants an stuff destroyed! Tak that cock aght oth chimley an get aght o' +here as sharp as tha can, an nivver let me see thee nor owt belangin to +thee agean!' Aw sed nowt, for aw saw he wor riled, an aw didn't wonder +at it, soa aw put mi hand up th' flue, an aw could feel its legs, but it +seemed to be wedged fast. 'It's here,' aw sed, 'but awm feeard aw can't +get it withaat hurtin' it.' + +'Ger aght oth gate,' he sed, 'aw care nowt abaat hurtin' it! Awl stir +it, or else awl rive it's legs off!' an he shov'd his arm up, an daan it +coom an browt all th' sooit wi it, an flapt it into us faces wol we wor +ommost smoored. + +Aw seized hoid oth burd an made th' best o' my way aghtside, an as +sooin as aw showed mi face ther wor a reglar yell, an they all +squandered to let me pass. Th' chaps had getten pooakers an tangs, an +th' wimmen wor armed wi umbrellas an tooastin forks, an then aw turned +raand an axed 'em whot ther wor to do. Just then Sam an his dowter coom +aght, an when they saw me ommost undrest, wi mi face grimed wi sooit an +mi heead whitened wi mail, an Sam an his lass lukkin varry little +better, it set some oth chaps laffin, an aw went inside an festened th' +door, an puffin' an blowin' like a brokken-winded horse, aw sat daan +convinced 'at that chap wor reight when he sed aw knew nowt abaat th' +hen trade. + +But th' noise aghtslde gate laader, an th' wimmen's voices wor raised +to th' screamin' pitch, soa aw ventured to luk aght, an' thear wor poor +Dorothy ith middle ov a duzzen wimmen 'at wor shakkin ther umbrellas an +tooastin forks ovver her heead, wol one on em wor holdin' up mi Sundy +shirt, an other two wor tryin' to divide mi breeches between 'em, an +ther wor sich a hullaballoo as yo nivver heeard. 'Tha's war nor him bi +th' hawf!' sed one. 'What business as shoo wi his dooas under her arm, +aw should like to know. It's a disgrace to ivvery woman ith fold, that's +what it is!' sed another; an aw began to see 'at that cock had been th' +meeans o' gettin' her into trouble as well as me. + +Aw thowt th' best thing aw could do wor to leeave 'em to settle it +amang thersen, soa aw went an gate weshed an donned, an it seems bi th' +time aw wor ready to goa aght they'd managed to get hold oth reight end +oth tale, an aw wor met wi a shaat o' laffin throo th' men, an even th' +wimmen smiled, tho' some on 'em shook ther heeads in a mysterious sooart +ov a way, as mich as to gie me to understand 'at they'd let me off that +once, but if awd onny desire to keep ther gooid opinion awd better net +get into another scrape oth same sooart. Aw knew they threw a gooid deal +o' blame onto poor Dorothy, an aw wor varry sooary it wor soa, for shoo +wor a nice quiet young woman, an tewed hard to keep hersen respectable, +an noabdy hed a word to say agean her, nobbut shoo kept a tom-cat 'at +worn't partiklar whooas dish he put his nooas in. + +Aw nivver went near them hens agean wol Mundy mornin'. Aw knew they wor +in a land flowing wi broth an breead, but ther wor noa fear on me +forgettin' 'em, for that cock crowed wol he wor hooarse. Ther wornt one +chap i' that fold 'at worn't up i' time for his wark o' Mundy mornin', +an as for misen awd hardly a wink o' sleep all th' neet. + +Aw wor foorced to stop in all th' day o' Sundy, becoss o' mi clooas +bein' at Dorothy's, an when Mundy coom aw went daan ith cellar an cut' +em all their heeads off, an detarmined to cook 'em all three an invite +th' wimmen to ther drinkin', an see if aw couldn't mak things pleasant +ageean. Aw saw a nay bar hingin' up some clooas, soa aw tell'd her what +aw intended to do, an awd noa need to mention it to onnybody else, for +th' news hed flown to ivvery haase i' less nor five minnits. + +Dorothy browt me mi clooas back o' Tuesdy, an they luk'd ommost as +gooid as new, an aw invited' em all to ther drinkin' for Fridy neet, an +then aw went an bowt two pot dogs an a stag for Sam's dowter, an aw wor +luk'd on as th' king oth fold. It wor a varry little haase for abaat +twenty fowk, but aw cleared all aght, an put tables ith middle an cheers +raand th' sides, an contrived raam for 'em all. Aw dooant think yo ivver +hed onny experience i' cookin' for yorsen, nivver name cookin' for other +fowk, but aw considered misen a varry gooid hand, an aw can assure yo +when aw stewed them hens an rooasted th' cock, an boiled some puttates, +an made a pile o' tooast, an some strong teah flavored wi rum, 'at it +wor a set aght net to be despised. + +All wor ready an promised for a success, an aw could see th' wimmen +bobbin' aght o' one door into another wi ther new caps on, an aw saw bi +th' clock 'at it nobbut wanted a quarter ov an haar befoor they'd be all +thear, sea aw tuk a can an went to th' pump for some clean watter, so as +we could keep th' kettle filled up, an aw left th' door oppen. Aw wornt +aboon a minnit away, but as aw wor comin' back, what should aw see but +that tom-cat o' Dorothy's comin' aght oth door wi abaat hawf a hen in +his maath. Away it ran hooam an me after it; net 'at aw cared soa mich +abaat th' loss oth mait, for aw knew we should hey enuff, but aw wor mad +to think 'at after all mi trouble to cook it aw should be served i' sich +a way. + +Dorothy wor upstairs, an away it went to her, but aw didn't foller, for +awd net forgetten th' bother awd been in at Sam's; but wimmen's all +alike, they can nivver keep ther maath shut, an noa sooiner did shoo see +it nor shoo set up a screeam an, ov coarse, that wor th' signal for +ivvery woman ith fold to fly aght, for they wor all set waitin' for th' +time for ther drinkin'. 'Ger aght wi thee! Tha nasty thief!' shoo sed, +an aw could hear her chasin' it raand an raand, singin' aght, 'Ha can ta +fashion, tha nasty gooid-fer-nowt? Awl hey thee hung for it befoor +tha'rt a day older!' Daanstairs it coom ageean, an aw oppen'd th' door +an ran it aght, an as aw foller'd it th' wimmen rushed past me in a body +an all cried aght at once, 'What's he been dooin to thee, Dorothy? Shame +on him!' Aw went into mi awn haase, an left Dorothy to mak what +explanation shoo thowt best, for aw felt sewer aw should mak matters war +if aw stopt. Aw dooant know what shoo sed, but they sooin all coom in +laffiin an tawkin, tho' nah an then throwin' aght a sly hint at Dorothy +an me, but aw wor too thrang to tak mich noatice, an' shoo'd moor sense. +As they wor all wed fowk but her an me, it wor agreed 'at shoo should +sarve aght th' teah, an' awd to sarve th' mait an stuff. They made a +gooid deal o' fun, an th' braan creeam helpt th' teah daan famously, th' +tooast seem'd ommost to melt away, an th' stewed hens didn't last long, +but th' cock didn't seem to be in as mich favor. Noabdy wanted helpin' +twice, an as awd taen a deeal a' pains to cook it aw felt rayther +disappointed. 'Nan get on an mak a gooid drinkin',' aw says; 'does +onnybody say a bit moor o' this cock?' But it wor all noa use, aw axd +'em an axd 'em wol aw wor fair stalled, an th moor aw tried to persuade' +em an th' moor they laft. + +'Just thee try a bit thisen,' sed one, 'an then tha'll see hah it is we +want noa moor: Soa aw tried a bit, an awl be blest if it wornt like +gutty percha. Awd some varry gooid teeth, but they could do nowt wi it. +Aw wor varry soary abaat it, but it couldn't be helpt, an they all sed +they'd nivver had a better drinkin' i' ther life, soa one or two helpt +me to side th' table an straighten up a bit, for ther husbands wor all +ta coom an hey a smook an a drop o' summat short after they'd eoom throo +ther wark. + +'What mun aw do wi what's left o' this rooast cock?' aw sed. + +'Give it to Dorothy's tom-cat!' sed Sam's dowter. + +'If it gets its teeth fast it'll pull its heead off!' sed another. + +'An mich matters if it did,' sed owd Sarah; 'for it's a plague i' this +fold, for yo can keep nowt aght ov it's rooad.' + +'Aw think th' best plan ud be,' sed Sam, as he popp'd in his heead, 'for +David an Dorothy to mak it up between' em, an then we'll all join an +give' em a weddin' dinner, for awm sewer ther booath looansome, an as +David's hed noa luck wi his poultry, an Dorothy's cat's allus getten her +i' trouble, aw think nah as yo've swallered th' poultry shoo should hang +th' cat, an then they could mak a fair start ith world, an aw believe +ther isn't a nayhor 'at willn't gladly give 'em a lift.' + +'This seemed to fall in wi ivverybody's ideas except mine and Dorothy's, +an we sed nowt. Th' chaps coom in a bit, an a reight jolly lot they wor, +an when th' wimmen tell'd 'em what a toff owd customer th' cock hed +turned aght, they sed it ud be a gooid name for me, soa they kursened me +Moorcock, an awve been known bi that name ivver sin. Yo'd hardly think' +at Dorothy wod have agreed to become Dolly Drake, but shoo did, an th' +naybors wor as gooid as ther word, an when we gate wed we sat daan to as +grand a dinner as ivver yo'd wish to see, an monny a little thing we +have nah 'at wor gein to us then towards haasekeepin'. + +"But some way or other soa monny fowk gate to know abaat her tom-cat, an +they used to come ta Iuk at it, far shoo wadn't hang it, an they made +sich gam abaat it wol we coom up to this quiet corner, pairtly to get +aght oth gate on 'em, an pairtly becoss aw anlls liked th' country best, +soa here we are, just as yo see us, an here it's varry likely we shall +stop till one on us is fotched away in a black box. Th' owd tom-cat's +deead, an aw stuffed it, an yo can see it at top oth clock, so nah 'Yo +know th' reason awm called 'Owd Moorcock.'" + +"Ther's nivver noa end to thy tongue when it gets runnin'," sed Dolly: +"th' supper's been ready for long enuff, an if tha hasn't tawkt him +booath hungry an dry bi this time he's able to stand it better nor me." + +We knocked th' ashes aght ov us pipes an went in to supper. It did'nt +last long, an after thankin' 'em for ther hospitality an information aw +shook hands an bid 'em gooid neet, an it'll be a long time befoor aw +forget mi visit to, "Owd Moorcock." + + + + +Peace Makkin. + + +"Honest confession is gooid for th' soul," they say, an aw may as weel +confess at once 'at awve been a fooil. Happen yo'll say "that's nowt +fresh," but beggin' for pardon this is summat fresh. Yo'll happen think +'at awve been bettin' at Donkeystir Races, or 'at awve been bun for a +chap in a money club, or 'at awve bowt a share in a manufacturin' +company, limited, or 'at awve started th' newspaper business, or takken +a hotel, or 'at awve joined th' Mormons, or 'at awve getten into a law +suit. But whichivver yo'd guessed yo'd be sewer to be 'wrang. All awve +been tryin' to do has been to act as a peeace makker, an if awd carried +it on for onny length o' time, aw should ha been made into sich a lot o' +pieces misen 'at it wod ha takken a besom to sweep me up. + +Just anent awr haase lives a old cross-grained chap 'at's getten wed to +a varry nice lass, an' as he's a bit o' brass an' shoo's a lump o' +beauty, yo'd think they should live together as happy as two turtle +doves. But awm sooary to say 'at sich isn't th' case, for they generally +get up abaat hawf-past eight an have a feight befoor nine. Awm a varry +tender-hearted sooart ov a customer, an awm sewer it's monny a time made +mi heart bleed to see an hear ther goins on. Somehah or other awd allus +sided wi th' wife, tho' aw nivver knew what th' rows have been abaat, an +ov coorse soa long as they kept 'em i' ther own haase aw couldn't +interfere. But t'other day, abaat a wick sin, they wor gooin it war an +war, an shoo coom runnin' into th' street wi her hair all daan an her +gaon ommost riven off her back, an he rushed aght after her wi a +umbrella in his hand, strikin' at her reight an left, all all shoo had +to protect hersen wi wor th' rollin' pin. Thinks aw to misen, this +sooart o' thing has gooan far enuff, an as awd just been readin' abaat +th' "atrocities," aw fancied misen England an him Turkey an her a poor +Bulgarian, an aw determined awr wodn't see a poor inoffensive young +woman ill-treated bi a brute like that, soa just as he wor gettin' ready +to strike her daan into th' eearth, aw stept behund him an planted mi +naive at th' back ov his ear, an he rolled ovver like a skittle pin. +Just as he fell awd an idea 'at awd been struck wi leetnin or else ther +wor an eearthquake, for a summat dropped onto mi heead wi sich a foorce +'at aw saw some oth grandest fireworks awd ivver seen, an aw sat daan wi +sich a bang 'at awm sewer aw must ha left mi impression pratty deep +somewhear. When aw began to collect mi scattered thowts aw saw her +standin' ovver me quaverin' th' rollin' pin aboon mi heead to prevent +onnybody hittin' me ageean. When aw gate up aw began to reason wi misen +as to what had been to do, an aw couldn't help thinkin' 'at that rollin' +pin hed summat to do wi th' lump o' mi heead. Aw felt sooary then 'at +awd been soa rash as to knock th' old chap daan, an aw went to beg his +pardon an sympathise wi him. + +"Shoo's a shocker," he sed, "ther's nubdy knows what aw have to put up +wi. Shoo ill-uses me throo morn to neet, an awm feeard o' mi life." Just +then shoo made a dash at him as if shood made up her mind to knock his +heead cleean off, soa aw catched hold ov her arm an gave her a swing +raand 'at landed her just abaat th' same spot 'at awd left a minit +befoor. Aw dooant know whether ivver yo've been hit at top oth heead wi +a old-fashioned umbrella or net, but if yo have, yo know it's nooan a +varry pleasant thing, for it seems to strike you i' three or four places +at once. Whether th' owd chap hit me in a mistak or he did it o' purpose +awve niver had th' chance to find aght, for things seem'd to get a gooid +deeal mixt just abaat that that time, an all aw know is 'at awve been i' +bed for ommost a wick, an awm soa stiff yet wol aw can hardly stir. One +hawf o' mi heead is covered wi stickin' plaister, an awm covered wi +black an blue marks throo mi neck to mi knees. As aw sit at th' winder +suppin' mi gruel, aw can hear th' rows gooin on across th' street just +as usual, an if they keep at it wol aw interfere agean they willn't have +to drop it just yet, for it's towt me 'at it's best to let fowk feight +ther own battles, for when it's nobbut one to one they've booath a +chonce, but when it's two to one it's vary oft rough for th' one. + + + + +Awr Emma--A False Alarm. + + +"Aw dooan't know what tha thinks abaat it, Isaac, but aw know ther's +summat nooan reight. Aw went to see awr Emma last neet, an' shoo doesn't +luk a bit like hersen: an' if shoo hadn't been rooarin' awl nivver trust +mi een agean. It's some sooart o' bother shoo's havin' wi' yond felly o' +hers, depend on't. Aw warned her enuff befoar shoo gate wed, an' tawk'd +to her wol aw wor fair stall'd, but nowt 'ud do but shoo mud have him, +an' if shoo hasn't getten her hands full aw'm capt." + +"Why, lass, aw dooan't know what reason tha has for sayin' soa, for aw'm +sewer they seem varry comfortable together, an' aw've nivver heeard her +say a word agean him, an' he seems as steady as old gold. Shoo wor +happen low spirited last neet, or had a bit o' th' heead wark." + +"Tha needn't try to lap it up; aw can guess eggs when aw see shells, an' +aw know as well as if shoo'd tell'd me wi' her own lips 'at ther's +summat at's nooan reight. Shoo's far too gooid for him, an' aw all us +sed soa, an' if shoo'd ha' ta'en my advice shoo'd ha' waited wol shoo'd +met wi' som'dy fitter for her. But shoo's thy temper to nowt, an' if +shoo sets her mind on a thing, it's noa moor use tawkin' to her nor +spittin' aght. Aw'm nooan soa mich up o' theas chaps 'at's as steady as +old gold: they're varry oft moor decaitful bi th' hauf, an' when aw come +to think on it, aw remember he didn't behave just as aw could ha' liked +him if he'd just been wed to me, th' first day they wor wed, for he'd +hardly a word to say to awr Emma at dinner time, but he could gabble +fast enuff to that lass o' Amos's, an' if shoo wor a child o' mine aw'd +awther tak' some o' that consait aght on her or else aw'd tak' th' skin +off her back." + +"Tha'rt too perticlar bi hauf. Tha allus luks at th' black side o' +ivverything. Tha may depend on't awr Emma knows what shoo's dooin', an' +tha'd far better leave 'em to feight it aght thersen if ther's owt +wrang, for tha knows it nivver does to interfere between man an' wife, +tha tell'd me that monny a year sin' when mi mother sed a word to thee." + +"Eea, but that wor a varry different matter, for thi mother knew tha'd +getten a wife wi' a deeal moor sense nor thee, an' a deeal moor feelin' +too, for aw believe tha cares noa moor for yond lass o' thine nor if +shoo wor nowt related to thi': but aw'm different, an' if that +gooid-fer-nowt 'at shoo's thrown hersen away on, doesn't treat her as he +owt to do, aw'l mak this taan too hot for him, or my' name isn't +Angelina!" + +"Why, lass, tha can do as tha likes, but aw think tha'll find it best to +let 'em manage ther own affairs, an' aw dooan't suppooas awr Emma 'll +get throo this life withaat a bit o' trubble nah an' then same as other +fowk. Aw'm sewer aw connot; an' shoo's noa better nor me." + +"Isn't shoo? But if aw thowt shoo worn't, aw'd nivver own her as one o' +mine! But aw'd like to know what trubble tha's ivver had except what +tha's browt o' thisen wi' thi own contraryness an' fooilishness? If +ivver ther wor a chap 'at went throo' this world wi' silver slippers +it's thee, for tha's ivverything done to thi hand, an' aw've been a +slave to thee ever sin aw gat thee, an' nivver had ony thanks for it +nawther; but aw dooan't want awr Emma to be trampled into th' earth as +aw've been, an' shoo shalln't be, if aw know on it, for aw'l fotch her +back hooam an' sharply too." + +"Aw tell thi tha can do just as tha's a mind, an' aw'm sewer aw didn't +know tha had been trampled on, for tha's been booath maister and +mistress i' this shop ivver sin aw knew thi." + +"Eea an' aw meean to be booath maister an' mistress, an' if tha'd a +heart i' thi belly as big as a beean tha wodn't sit daan quietly as tha +does, when tha hears 'at one o' thi own flesh an' blooid is pining +away." + +"Aw didn't know shoo wor pining away, for aw'm sewwer shoo's gettin' as +fat as a pig, an' aw think it'll be time enuff to interfere when shoo +grummels hersen." + +"Tha tawks like a fooil, Isaac, an' aw've tell'd thi so over an' over +agean. Tha knows shoo isn't like thee, at cries aght befoar tha'rt hurt, +but aw'l waste noa moor wind o' thee for aw'l put on mi bonnet an' shawl +an' goa up to their haase this minit, an' see if aw can't find aght +what's to do, an' try to put things into a reight shap'." Soa shoo put +on her things an' leavin' Isaac to luk after th' stew 'at wor i' th' +oven, shoo sailed off in a famous flurry to have a tawk wi' Emma. It +wor'nt monny minits walk, an' as shoo put th' speed on shoo managed to +get thear befoar her temper cooiled, an' oppenin' th' door shoo stept in +an' sed, "Nah, Emma, lass, aw've come to see ha' tha art this mornin'?" + +"Aw'm first rate, mother," sed Emma, "Aw'm rare an' glad to see yo', but +what's browt yo' here this mornin'?" + +"Aw know tha artn't furst rate, an' it's noa use thee tellin' me 'at tha +art, for aw've com'd here to know th' truth, an' aw'm detarmined tha +shall tell me, for aw've hardly been able to sleep a wink sin aw wor +here last neet, an' aw've been tawkin' to thi father this mornin', but +one mud just as well whistle jigs to a mile-stoop an' expect it to dance +as tawk to him an' expect to get ony sense aght on him, but aw want to +know what bother tha's been havin' wi' that felly o' thine an' what he'd +been dooin' to thi 'at made thee soa sorrowful last neet? Nah, dooan't +goa raand th' corners, but come straight to th' point. Aw've nooan been +wed all theas years but what aw know what poor wives have to put up wi'. +Has he been drinkin'?" + +"Nay, mother, yo' munnot tawk like that, for aw'm sewer ther' wor nivver +a better man tied to a woman nor my Bob, an' yo' know he's a +teetotaller, soa ther's noa fear on him gooin' on th' spree." + +"Aw'm nooan soa sewer abaat that, an' if he doesn't drink he varry +likely does war. Mun, aw know what men are, an' tha has it to leearn +yet. Tha'n screen him all tha can, aw know that, just same as aw have to +do thi father, but tha connot deceive me, aw've lived to' long to be +easily chaited." + +"Aw dooan't want to chait yo', mother, an' aw've nought to screen Bob +for, for aw dooan't know 'at he's a fault, unless it is his thinkin' soa +mich o' me." + +"A'a, poor fooilish 'child! He thinks nooan too mich o' thee, net he +marry! He doesn't think hauf enuff, or else he'd nooan goa on as he +does! Aw tak' noa noatice o' ther coaxin' an' fondlin'; it's all +mak'-believe, an' as long as they can manage to get all they want for a +soft word or two they'll give yo' plenty on 'em, but aw know' em, an' +they can't come ovver me. Ther' isn't a pin to choose amang th' best on +'em, for they're all as full o' decait as an egg's full o' mait. But aw +want to know what wor th' reason tha wor lukkin' soa cut-up and +daan-trodden last neet?" + +"Why, mother, you're altogether wrang this time. Aw wor raythur low +spirited last neet, but it's nowt yo' can blame him for, for aw'm sewer +he works hard ivvery day, an' if he doesn't haddle as mich as he did +it's noa fault o' his. An' this last two or three wicks his wage has +been less bi five shillin' nor it used to be, an' at th' price o' mait +an' stuff nah, it's hard wark to mak' ends meet, an' what aw wor +trubbled abaat last neet wor becoss aw'd nowt to set him for his supper +except a basin o' porrige, an' that isn't mich for a chap 'at's been +tewin' all th' day, tho' he nivver says a wrang word what ther' is." + +"An' what should he grummel for, aw'st like to know? Bless mi life if he +had to goa withaat for a time or two what bi that? Ther's better fowk +nor him had to goa baaht supper befoor to-day! He gets as gooid stuff as +thee, an' better too, aw'l be bun' for't! But aw should like to know ha' +it is 'at his wage is five shillin' a wick less nor it wor, for aw've +heeard nowt abaat ony on 'em bein' bated, an' aw should ha' done if they +had, for ther's two or three lives i' awr street 'at works at th' same +shop, an' they'd ha' been safe to tell me. But what does he say abaat +it?" + +"He's nivver sed nowt, an' aw've nivver ax'd him, for he allus gives me +all he has ov a Friday neet, an' aw mak' it do as weel as aw can." + +"Raillee! Emma! aw think tha gets less wit ivvery day! Ha' can ta' tell +what he's dooin' wi that five shillin' a wick if tha nivver axes him? +But tha mun ax him! It's thi duty! Depend on't he's spendin' it i' some +way 'at's nooan too gooid, or else he'd let thee know. But it's thy +affair, net mine; aw've nowt to do wi' it, an' aw've net com'd to +interfere; but aw should like to know if tha's seen Amos's dowter +lately?" + +"Shoo wor here this mornin' befoor yo' coom. Shoo luks in for a minit or +two nab an' then." + +"Oh! Has ta' noaticed whether shoo's getten owt new latly?" + +"Eea, shoo'd a new bonnet on this mornin', an' varry weel shoo luk't in +it!" + +"Aw wonder whear shoo gets her new bonnets an' stuff, it's cappin' to +me, but aw've a nooashun shoo doesn't buy 'em wi' her own brass. Let's +see. Bob used to lodge wi' Amos befoor yo' gate wed, didn't he?" + +"Eea, they thowt as mich on him as one o' ther own, an aw know nowt +abaat whose brass shoo buys her things wi', but aw nivver heeard 'at +shoo wor i' debt for owt, an' aw can't see' at we've owt to do wi' it." + +"N'oa, an' tha can see nowt! But ther' is 'at can see if tha cannot, but +as tha says it's nowt to us; but if aw wor a wife aw should want to know +whear my husband tuk his five shillin' a wick." + +"Ther's mi father commin', he's seekin' yo' aw expect." + +"Aw'l be bun' for't! If aw stir off th' doorstun he's after me! What's +browt thee here?" + +"Th' childer's come hooam to ther dinner an' they're all waitin'." + +"Couldn't ta tell' em to get that stew aght o' th' oven?" + +"Aw know nowt abaat th' stew." + +"Hasn't ta stirred it up an' put some moor watter in as aw tell'd thi?" + +"Aw nivver heeard thi say nowt abaat it." + +"A'a tha art a lumpheead if ivver ther' wor one i' this world! Why, +it'll be burnt as dry as a chip! Aw mun be off! Gooid mornin', lass, an' +see' at tha taks care o' thisen whativver comes o' other fowk, an' when +aw've a bit moor time aw'l slip up to comfort thee a bit agean. Tha's +noa need to come for ony dinner, Isaac, for ther'll be nooan for thi." + +"All reight lass, aw'm nooan langin', for aw gate that bit o' pie 'at +wor i'th' cubbord." + +"An' tha'd ha' etten th' cubbord too, if it had been pie! Come stir +thi!" + + +Chapter II. + +A few wicks passed by, an' Angelina couldn't find aght what became ov +her son-i'-law's five shillin's, an' tho' shoo kept een an' ears wide +oppen to catch a whisper agean him, shoo saw, nor heeard newt. But her +mind wor ill at ease, for shoo'd managed to convince hersen 'at ther wor +summat nooan reight, an' becoss shoo couldn't find owt shoo put it daan +to his decait, an' shoo generally finished up wi' sayin' 'at her dowter +wor a fooil an' Bob wor a deep 'en. At last th' mystery had to be +unveiled an' her mind set at rest. + +One neet a little lass knock'd at th' door, an' sed 'at Emma had sent +her to tell her an' Isaac to go a to see her as sooin as ivver they +could. + +"Nah then! What did aw tell thi? It's come at last, an' aw knew it wad I +But if he's raised a finger o' his to hurt a hair ov her heead aw'l +fotch law on him if aw have to sell up dish an' spooin! put this +stickin' plaister i' thi pocket, an' theas cammomile flaars, an' poppy +heeads, an' let's be off this minit!" + +"What's th' stickin' plaister an' all this stuff for?". sed Isaac. + +"Tha'll see what it's for sooin enuff! A'a, aw wish sometimes aw'd +flivver been born! It's a bonny come off to bring childer into th' world +an' keep' em an' luk after' em till they grow up to be treated war nor +dogs!" + +Isaac shov'd th' stuff into his pockets an' wor off after her as sooin +as he could, for shoo'd stirred him up a bit, an' he gript his walkin' +stick an' pooled his hat ovver his een as mich as to say he thowt it +high time to let fowk know what they wor abaat. As sooin as they gate +i'th' seet o'th' haase he sed, "Ther's noa fowk abaat that's one +blessin'; if ther's been a row they must ha' been varry quite abaat it." + +"Shoo'd niver utter a word if shoo wor to be riven i' bits, shoo's too +mich like me for that, A'a, aw little thowt aw should ivver have to come +o' sich o' eearand as this!" + +They didn't stop to knock, but oppen'd th' door, an' thear they saw Bob +an' Emma sittin' at th' teah-table lukkin' as cheerful an' as happy as +could be. + +"Come in, booath on yo'," sed Emma, "Yo'r just i' time for a cup o' +teah. We didn't expect yo' quite as sooin, but yo'r allus welcome." + +"Why yond lass tha sent coom wi' sich a tale wol we wor sewer ther' munt +be summat serious to do, an' we started off withaat wastin' a minit." + +"Aw'm glad yo've com'd," sed Bob, "We've getten summat to show yo', but +yo' mun have a cup o' teah furst." + +"What have aw to do wi' all this stickin' plaister an' stuff?" sed +Isaac. + +"Can't ta keep it i' thi pocket an' say nowt apaat it, softheead! Tha +wants a piece on it across thi macth." + +"Whativver made yo' bring stickin' plaister, mother, yo' sewerly didn't +think ther'd been ony feightin'?" + +"Does fowk nivver want ony stickin' plaister nobbut when they've been +feightin'? Ha could aw tell but what one o' yo' had tummel'd onto th' +foire, or getten scalded or summat? Thi father browt it, it wor nooan o' +me." + +"Eea, aw browt it, but--" + +"But--Tha can hold thi noise an' tak' it back, for if ther'd been ony +use for it tha'd ha' been sewer to ha' forgetten it. But let's +see what this thing is 'at tha's sent for us to luk at, for aw can get +noa drinkin' unless aw know what it is." + +"Well, come yo're ways into this raam," sed Emma, "Here it is, an' tell +me what yo' think on it." + +"Why aw'l be shot if it isn't a sewin' machine! An' a grand en it is; +but ha' mich have yo' to give for it?" + +"Ther's nowt to give for it, becoss it's all paid for. Bob's bowt it me +aght o'th' brass he's been savin'." + +"Then that's whear his five shillin' a wick has been gooin'?" + +"Eea, an' moor nor that, for he'd getten a raise of hauf a craan, an' he +nivver tell'd me, becoss he wanted to buy this for mi birthday." + +"What did aw tell thi, Emma? Didn't aw say 'at tha could trust Bob? They +can't deceive me. Aw can tell a straightforrad chap as sooin as aw see +him." + +"Nah, tha sees Angelina," sed Isaac, "Things isn't just as black as tha +thowt they wor, an' aw tell'd thi--" + +"Tha tell'd me nowt, an' aw dooan't want thi to tell me owt; goa sit thi +daan to thi drinkin' an' let thi mait stop thi maath.'" + + + + +Niver Judge by Appearances. + + +If yo niver heeard tell o' that doo 'at Broddington an Clarkson once +had, aw'll tell yo abaat it; for when aw heeard on it aw lafft wol my +bally wark'd, aw did forshure. Yo mun understand at Broddington kept a +butcher's shop i' Snicket loin an Clarkson kept a puttaty shop ith same +row. Well, it soa happen'd 'at Broddington's shop wor too big for him, +an Clarkson's wor too little for him, soa they had a bit o' tawk +together, an after a deeal o' bargainin, an boath swearin 'at it ud be a +loss o' monny a paand, they agreed to swap. Broddington wor a single +chap an lived bi hissen, but Clarkson had a wife an some bairns, an shoo +wor a wife an noa mistak! for shoo'd tongue enuff for hauf a duzzen. +Ther wor a sign ovver each shop wi th' name painted on, but as one +wodn't fit t' other they agreed to swap signs as weel an to get' em +repainted, each wi thee own name. Well, one day they set abaat flittin, +an a varry hard day they had, but at last all wor comfortably arranged +an nowt moor wanted dooin but names changin. + +After a hard job like that, Broddington thowt he'd give hissen a bit ov +a treat, an goa off on a cheap trip to Liverpool, for as it wor varry +hot weather he hadn't mich to do--butchers niver have--but as he lived +bi hissen, an wor a varry hard sleeper, he couldn't tell ha to manage to +get up to be ready for four o'clock, an' he didn't like th' idea o' +sittin up all th' neet, coss he knew if he did 'at he'd be fit for nowt +all th' day. After studdin abaat it a bit an idea struck him, an' off he +set to seek th' policeman 'at wor o' that beat, an get him to wakken +him. + +He wornt long afoor he fan him, soa he says, "Jim, aw want thee to do me +a bit ov a faver if tha will." "Well, lad," he sed, "awl do it if aw can +awl promise thi; what is it tha wants me to do?" "Aw want to set off o' +that cheap trip tomorn 'at leaves here at four o'clock, an as awm a +varry saand sleeper, aw want thee to wakken me abaat hauf-past three." +"O, if that's all, awl do that an' welcome." "But tha knows," sed +Broddington, "its nooan sich a easy task as tha seems to fancy, for when +awm i' bed aw sleep like a stooan, an soa if aw dooant get up at once +tha mun pawse th' door wol aw do." "O, awl pawse it niver fear, awl +wakken thi afoor aw leave off, tha may bet thi front teeth o' that." +"Well, aw darsay tha may, an awve made up mi mind to goa, but awm sich a +sleepy-head 'at if aw get up its a thaasand to one aw shall goa to bed +agean as sooin as iver tha turns thi back, so tha mun stop wol aw come +daan stairs, an then tha shall tell me what tha thinks abaat some whisky +'at awve getten." "Leave that to me," sed Jim, "awl bet tha'll come daan +afoor aw stur; if ther's ony whisky inside awl find mi way to it." +"That's all right," sed Broddington, "nah awl goa hooam an' get to bed +an' have a few haars sleep afoor tha comes." Soa off he went hooam, but +unfortunately he'd forgetten to tell th' policeman 'at he'd flitted. + +Well, old Clarkson stuck to his puttaty shop wol abaat ten o'clock an +then when he'd getten shut up, he thowt he'd just goa an' spend an' haar +or two wi a friend, so a as th' wife wor aght oth seet he snig'd off, +an' it seems he faand ther company soa varry agreeable wol it wor ommost +three o'clock when he landed hooam. He knew what a blowin up he'd be +sure to get, but as his wife liked a drop o' whisky to goa to bed on, he +bowt a bottle to tak hooam as a bit ov a sweetner. He crept in as quiet +as he could, for he thowt if th' wife wor asleep it wad be a shame to +wakken her. He tuk his booits off an' went ov his tiptooas into th' +bedroom. + +"O, soa tha's landed hooam agean has ta? Couldn't ta find ony body 'at +ud have thi ony longer? If awd been thee awd ha done t'other bit aght. +Awm capt 'at a wed chap 'at's a wife an' childer at hooam rakin aght i' +this way! But ther's one thing certain, it's noa daycent place wheer tha +wor wol this time oth' mornin! Niver heed! It willn't last long, aw feel +awm gettin waiker ivery day--waiker ivery day; tha'll nooan ha me soa +long, an' then tha can spree an' drink thi fill. Aw do, aw feel awm +gettin waiker ivery day," shoo sed agean. But old Clarkson made noa +reply, for he'd heeard th' same tale monny a time befoor, an' he knew if +he sed he wor sooary, shoo'd say he wor a liar, an' praich him a sarmon +as long as his leg abaat what he'd do if he wor sooary; an' if he sed he +didn't think shoo wor waiker, shoo'd say, "Noa, aw ail nowt; ther's +nivver any sympathy for me! aw mun slave mi soul aght for owt tha +cares--nasty unfeelin wretch!" Well, Jim didn't spaik for he thowt "the +leeast sed an th' soonest mended." But shoo wornt to be done, shoo at it +ageean in another tone--"Eea, aw feel awm gettin waiker--Waiker ivery +day; does ta hear what aw say?" "Hear thi," he sed, "mi ears are hoof'd +wi harkenin to thi." "Eea, an they shall be hoof'd," shoo sed, "for as +long as awve breath i' my body awl tell thi o' thi faults. Ha can ta +fashion; but if tha doesn't alter awl niver put legs daan i' bed wi' +thee agean I Shame o' thisen! but tha has na shame; tha'rt as brazzen as +brass, that's what tha art!" "Nah, hold thi noise," he sed. "Sithee, +aw've browt thi a bottle o' whisky; mun, awm allus thinkin on thi." +"Dooant tell me sich like tales as them, for aw dooant believe thi," +shoo says, "tha thinks tha can get ovver me wi a bottle o' whisky aw +daresay, but tha'rt mistakken; an' aw dooant know whear tha's getten +that at this time oth' mornin." + +Jim kept a still tongue in his bead an' crept quietly into bed, an' it +worn't long befoor they wor booath asleep. + +Nah, it wor varry near time for th' polieeman to come to wakken +Broddington, an' as he knew nowt abaat th' flittin he luck'd up at th' +sign, an' feelin sure at he wor at th' reight shop he gave a varry gooid +rat-a-tat at Clarkson's door. + +"What's that?" sed his wife, jumpin up; "go daan and see." + +"Net aw," sed Clarkson, "its nobbut some druffen chaps 'at's on for a +spree." + +"Eea, an they know whear to come it seems! A'a, if aw wor a man aw +should shame to have sich like followin me." + +Another rat-a-tat followed, but Clarkson wor detarmined not to get up, +an' th' policeman wor just as detarmined to pail at th' door till he did +get up. Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat! went his stick time after time, wol at +last old Clarkson baanced aght o' bed an threw up his winder, an' axed +what he wanted; but when he saw a blue coat an' shinin buttons, he +turned raand to his wife an' sed, "It's a bobby." + +"Why," shoo says, "ax him what he wants." + +"What does ta want?" sed Clarkson. + +"Nah, then, is noa gooid tryin' to mak it strange; tha knows aw've come +here for that whisky, an' awmean to have it befoor aw goa." + +"O, that's it, is it?" sed his wife. "That's thee 'at's browt me th' +whisky? It's grand to bring a wife whisky an' ax a policeman to come sup +it." + +"Aw niver ax'd onybody to come, aw dooant know what he wants." + +"That's a varry nice tale, lad, but tha willn't mak me believe it; aw +know better nor a policeman comin toa haase at hauf-past three ith +mornin if he hadn't been sent for." + +Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat-tat! went th' policeman's stick, an old Clarkson +flew to th' winder an shaats aght, "What th' d---- does ta want?" + +"Nah, it's noa gooid thee puttin on an' makkin it all strange; tha mud +as weel come daan sooin as lat, for tha'll ha to goa wi me an' th' +whisky an' all, soa on wi them britches an come daan stairs." + +"Nah, Clarkson," sed his wife, sittin up i' bed, "tell me th' truth at +once; has ta getten that whisky honestly or net? If tha hasn't say so, +an then awst know what to expect. Aw allus sed 'at tha'd bring me an th' +childer to some end if this rakin aght ov a neet went on. A'a 'at ivver +aw should ha lived to see this day!" An then shoo began rockin hersen +backards an forrads, an moppin up her tears wi th' corner oth sheet. + +Yo may guess what a din th' policeman made when it wakkened Broddington +'at lived six or eight doors off, an aght o' ommust ivvery winder ith +row ther wor neetcaps bobbin in an aght, an some on 'em shook ther +heeads an sed, "It's nobbut what aw expected; awve thowt many a time 'at +if Clarkson could afford to dress his wife 'i silks an satins, 'at it +didn't all come aght o' th' puttaty trade," an after that feelin remark +they went back to bed. + +Broddington gate up an dressed an went daan stairs to see what wor up. +All at once he bethowt him abaat th' policeman, an th' fact a' th' wrang +sign being ovver th' door, an he saw at once what a mistak had been +made. "Well, it can't be helped," he sed, "but poor Clarkson 'll catch +it aw'll bet." Soa he went daan an oppened th' door just at th' same +time at Clarkson wor comin aght. When th' policeman saw Clarkson come +aght an Broddington abaat twenty yards off, he luk'd a trifle soft, an +after starin furst at one an then at t'other, he gave vent to his +astonishment bi sarin, "Blow me tight!" Just then Mrs. Clarkson's heead +show'd aght o' th' chamber winder, "O, it's all varry fine," shoo sed, +"aw see ha it is; it's a made up doo throo th' beginin to th' endin; but +awl have an alteration as sure as my name's Liddy:" After sayin this +shoo popt back agean an went to bed, noa daat thinkin 'at shoo wor a +varry ill used woman. As matters had getten to this pitch, Broddington +tuk th' policeman an' Clarkson on to his haase, an after a gooid deeal a +explanation, ivery body seem'd to be satisfied, an Broddington browt +aght a bottle an put it i' th' middle o' th' table an invited 'em to +help thersen. They did, an readily too, for th' policeman worn't a +teetotaler, (an ther's summat abaat that 'at aw could nivver understand, +for teetotal lecterers tell us 'at if all th' world wor teetotal 'at we +should have noa murders, noa robberies, noa rows, all wod be peace an +happiness an th' millenium be ushered in, an yet aw nivver met a +teetotal policeman, tho ther may be sich like things, th' same as aw've +heeard on ther bein white blackburds, an we know 'at policemen are th' +varry chaps 'at have to keep th' peace.) + +Well, glass followed glass, an Broddington decided net to set off at +all, but to spend a friendly haar wi 'em, as he'd been th' cause ov a +deeal o' bother, an he thowt th' best thing he could do wod be to +apologize like a man an set things straight agean. Soa they all turned +aght together at about a quarter to ten to goa to Clarkson's, but when +they gate aght o' th' door what should they see but a lot o' furniture +aghtside, an all th' appearances ov another flittin. "What's up nah, +Clarkson?" sed Broddington. "Nay, aw dooant know," he sed, "but it seems +to me 'at th' wife's sellin up, an shoo's sed shoo wod do monny a time; +but awl put a stop to that, an sharply too." Away he went in a reglar +tiff, an wanted to know who'd fotch'd his stuff aght o' th' haase, an +sed he'd let' em see who wor th' maister thear. When his wife coom shoo +wor fair maddled, an wanted to know what wor up. "Who's tell'd thee to +sell th' furniture," he sed. "Sell th' furniture! Who is selling th' +furniture, fooil! It's nobbut me 'at had it taen aght to cleean, becoss +aw thowt tha wor off for th' day, an aw thowt awd do it before tha come +back, sea as tha wodn't be put abaat wi th' bustle." "O, that's all +reight," he sed. "Aw see nah; aw hardly thowt tha'd do as ill as that, +though tha wor awful crusty this mornin; but ther's Broddington an th' +policeman aghtside 'at want to come in an explain matters a bit." +"Dooant bring' em here," shoo sed, "tha's been wi them to oft; it's sich +like as them 'at's leeadin thee off." + +"Well, we'd better have 'em in aw think, an hear what they've to say," +he sed. Soa they went in, an when they'd tell'd th' tale shoo laff'd as +hard as any on 'em, for shoo worn't a bad bottom'd woman though she had +a tongue; soa after makkin all things straight shoo ax'd' em to have a +drop o' summat, which they had, an as shoo sed, "Drink o' ony sooart wor +a thing 'at shoo seldom or iver touched, though th' doctors had ordered +it for her, time after time, yet considerin 'at Broddington had missed +his cheap trip, an 'at all matters had been put to reights, shoo made +hersen a drop o' whisky an hot watter, an as they sat tawkin an smookin +they coom to th' conclusion 'at it wor nivver safe to judge bi +appearances. Clarkson wor soa pleased at his wite takkin it i' sich a +philosophical way, wol he bowt her a new gaan, an when th' naybors saw +her turn aght in it th' next Sunday, they nodded an smiled at her as if +they could like to put her into ther pockets, but as sooin as shoo'd +turned her back they curl'd ther nooas an turned up th' whites o' ther +eyes, an sed, in a varry mysterious way, "It'll do woll it lasts." + +A'a dear I tak my advice an nivver trust to appearances. + + + + +Mi First Testimonial. + + +Young Gawthorp lived at t'Cat-i-t'well; some on yo may know him, he used +to come to Halifax twice i' th' wick to buy his greens and stuff to +hawk, an' he allus call'd at t'Tabor to get a pint as he went hooam. + +Nah Chairley (his mother had kursen'd him Chairley becoss shoo wor +sittin in a chair th' furst time shoo saw him); well, Chairley worn't +like some country hawbucks at fancied' coss he sell'd puttates an +turnips, 'at he needed no mooar knowledge nor to be able to tell th' +difference between a parsnip an' a manglewurzell. Noa, Chairley had an +inquirin' mind, an' if it hadn't been at one leg wor shorter nor +t'other, he'd a been a sowdger, for his heart wor as brave as any +greengrocer's heart cud be expected to be. + +One neet he'd been to th' taan, an' wor trudgin hooam beside owd +Testy--that's his donkey's name, an' aw owt to tell yo hah it happen'd +to be call'd Testy; ther's nowt like explainin' things as we goa on. +Chairley used to goa to th' Sunday Skooil, an' he wor allus soa weel +behaved, an' hardly ivver missed a Sunday withaat bringin' his taicher +awther a apple or toffy or summat, wol th' Superintendant took sich a +fancy to him, 'at he determined to get up a testimonial for him; soa one +day he call'd him to one side, an' strokin' his heead as tenderley as if +it wor a whin bush, he sed, "Chairley tha's been a gooid lad, an' we ar +detarmin'd to get up a testimonial for thi. Aw've mentioned it to th' +taichers, an' they've all agreed to subscribe, an aw want thee to say +what shape it shall tak." "Well," said Chairley, "if aw'm to pick, aw +should like it to be as near th' shape o' Tim Hardy's as yo can get." + +"What dusta meean?" sed th' Superintendent. + +"Aw mean Tim Hardy's donkey." + +"Nay Chairley, that'll nivver do for a Sundy skooil to give a donkey for +a testimonial; that wodn't spaik weel for th' skooil--think ageean lad." + +"Ther's nowt else at aw'd like, soa if yo cannot gie me that, it matters +little to me what aw get; an' as for net spaikin weel for th' skooil, aw +dooan't see that; Balaam's ass spake varry weel for him, an' aw dooan't +see but what one mud spaik varry weel for th' taichers." + +"Well lad, that's soa, an awm glad to see at tha hasn't studied thi +scriptur for nowt, soa a donkey it shall be. But ther's just one thing +awd like to mention, an that is; tha sees aw'm a poor workin' chap +mysen, an aw'm hardly in a position to afford to give owt towards it, +but it wodn't luk weel for me net to put daan mi name for summat, soa +aw'! subscribe five shillings to help to buy it, an' when tha's getten +it tha can pay me back i' puttates, kidney puttates, an' noa demiked +ens. If tha'll agree to that, awl work this thing up for thi sharp." + +"Aw'l agree." sed Chairley, soa th' thing wor all settled, an th' next +Wednesday neet after th' special prayer meeting, Chairley wor called up +to th' desk, an' after listenin' to a long speech, th' donkey wor browt +in an presented to him, together wi' a beautiful address, painted an' +illuminated on glass, wi a tollow cannel, soa's to be useful to him when +hawkin' cockles an' mussels i' winter time. + +Chairley wor famosly delited wi th' donkey, an when it stretched aght +one hind leg, just to feel whoa it wor at stood behind it, he fairly +shed tears, an' it wor some time befooar he cud get his wind back to +thank' em. He tell'd 'em at that wor th' first testimonial he'd ivver +had gien, an' on that accaant he should name it "Testy"; he thanked 'em +one an' all, an' thowt it wor abaaght time nah for him to goa. Th' +Superintendant sed he thowt soa too, an' he should advise him net to let +Testy have soa many beeans for th' future, as they made his breath smell +soa bad. + +Soa Chairley an' Testy went hooam, an t'next morning they started aght +hawkin, but it wor th' warst days bizniss he ivver had. He gate shut a +mooar stuff nor ivver he'd getten shut on afooar in a wick, but his +purse wor varry little heavier at neet nor it wor i'th' morning, for as +t'mooast ov his customers wor connected wi th' Sunday skoal, an' they +all wanted sarvin' that day, he discovered at Testy worn't likely to +prove all profit after all. If a woman wanted a penny stick a ruburb +shoo'd be sure to ax for a cabbage thrown in, an shoo'd say: "Tha knows +tha'd nivver ha getten that donkey but for awr Simon givin' soa mich +to'ards it." + +When Chairley reckon'd up at neet he stud lukkin at t'donkey for a +minnit an' then he sed--"Testy owd lad, aw dooant want to hurt thi +feelins, but aw mun say, at if ivvery body's testimonial cost' em as +mich as tha's cost me to-day, ther isn't quite as mich profit in 'em as +some fowk think; an' unless ther's a lot ov Annani-asses amang my +customers, th'aft abaat th' warst bargain i'th' donkey line at aw've +seen for some time, for aw cud a bowt a horse wi' th' brass at wor +subscribed for thee." + +After that Chairley had to leeave th' Sunday skooil, for he sed if he +didn't they'd ruin booath him an' Testy. Well, as aw wor sayin' Chairley +an' Testy wor gooin' hooam an' bed just getten to th' Tabor, when they +booath stopt for a drink. He teed up his donkey an' then went into th' +tapraam for a pint a fourpny, (yo can get varry gooid fourpny at +t'Tabor, ther's some body in it an noa sperrit, hah they brew it is a +saycret, an' it's noa use tryin' to see throo it.) Just anent Chairley +sat an owd sowdger tellin' tales abaaght different battles he'd been in, +an' Chairley lizened to ivvery word as if it wor gospel, for ov cooarse +he knew at noa man 'ats been in a battle wad say owt at worn't true, an' +at last he sed, "Captin' aw've oft thowt aw should like to be sowdger, +but yo see mi legs isn't booath just t'same length." + +"That'll mak little difference," he sed, "tha'd be all th' better for +that, it wodn't be as easy to put a bullet throo thi heead when it wor +bobbin' up and daan, as it wod a chap at walk'd straight; but aw should +advise thee to join th' artillery, that's th' regiment for thee; horse +artillery, that's the ticket, tha'd just doo for that." + +"Dun yo think aw should?" + +"To be sewer, tha'rt just made for it." + +This set Chairley a thinkin', an after treatin' th' owd sowdger wi' a +pint, he set off hooam. + +As he'd noab'dy else to tawk to' he tawk'd to th' donkey. + +"Well Testy, what dus ta think abaaght it? Dus ta think aw should doo +for a hartillery chap? They dooant have donkeys i'th' horse hartillery, +or else awd tak thee. What are ta shakin' thi heead at? Well if aw doo +goa, iwl mak a present o' thee to th' Sunday skooil, for aw cudn't tell +what price to put on thi if aw wanted to sell thi. Hahivver, aw think it +ud be a gooid thing for me to practiss a bit, an' awve two owd muskets +at hooam at can be made come in, an' awl get up it' mornin' i' gooid +time an practiss for an haar or soa befooar we start for bizness. It'll +doo us booath gooid." + +Chairley gate hooam, an' after stablin' Testy an' makkin him +cumfortable, he gave him a bit o' extra corn to mak him lively next +mornin'. He left t'stable sayin, "Well Testy, aw nivver thowt a makkin a +war-horse aght o' thee, tho' awve seen war horses nor thee; but to morn +tha'll have to be a chairger, an' if tha'rt hauf as gooid a chairger as +t'chap wor at sell'd thi to th' Superintendent, tha'll doo to practiss +on." + +T'next mornin' Chairley gate his two muskets, an havin' teed one on th' +top o' each pannier, he maanted Testy, an' rooad him to a croft at back +o' th' haase. + +"Nah," he says to hissen, "hah can aw pull these triggers when aw'm set +up here? It caan't be done; but if aw lig on my belly on th' top of his +back, aw can raich 'em then, an that'll be a better position to escape +th' enemy." Soa he ligg'd his full length o' Testy's back, an tuk hold +o' booath muskets wi' his fingers on th' triggers. "Nah Testy, see tha +behaves thisen' for this may be a turnin' point i' thy life as weel as +mine. Tha'll ha' to get used to th' smell o' paather, same as me. Nah +for it," he sed, an' he shut his een an' whisper'd, "one, two, +three--off!" He pooled booath triggers, booath muskets went off, an' +Chairley went off at th' same time, an' soa did one o' Testy's ears, an' +when Chairley lukk'd up Testy wor stanin' on his fore legs, sparrin' +away wi' his heels, as lively as yo'd wish to see. Chairley maniged to +sam hissen together, an' findin' at he worn't killed, he went to mak +friends ageean wi' Testy; an' if ivver ther wor two disconsolate lukkin' +jackasses i' this world, it wor them two. + +"Well, this is a bonny come off," he sed, "tha'rt a bigger donkey nor aw +tuk thi for. Had ta noa mooar sense nor to put thi ear i'th' front ova +gun. Tha cud a heeard it goa off withaat lizenin' soa clois? + +"Well, aw wish tha wor nicely aght o' mi hands. What to do wi thi nah aw +connot tell, unless aw cut off t'other ear to match, an' tee a bunch o' +horsehair to thi tail an' see if aw connot mak a galloway aght on thi; +an' if aw doo that, aw expect tha willn't be able to keep thi maath +shut, an' that voice o' thine 'll let ivvery body know. But hahivver aw +mun try an' bandage that heead o' thine up an' then see what aw can do, +for ther'll be noa hawkin' to-day, an' noa mooar hartillery practiss." + +Chairley weshed th' donkey's heead, an' put some sauve on to his ear, +an' teed it up as weel as he cud, an' then turned him inta th' croft an' +sat daan wonderin' hah to spend th' day. + +Nah ther wor nowt Chairley wor fonder on nor kite flyin', an' as he had +a kite ommost as big as hissen, he thowt he mud as weel amuse hissen a +bit; soa he fotched it, an' befooar monny minnits it wor sailin' away up +i'th' air. He kept givin' it mooar band wol it wor ommost aght o' seet, +an' beein' a breezy day, it pooled soa hard at he cud hardly hold it. + +To mak matters war, Testy wor varry restless, an' kept wanderin abaaght, +an' as ther wor noa gate to th' croft, Chairley had to follow him for +feeard on him gettin' away. In a while it began to be rayther hard wark, +he darn't let t'kite goa, an' ther wor nowt handy to tee it too, soa he +thowt his best plan 'ud be to pull it in, but just then a thowt struck +him, as he saw Testy trottin' off whiskin his tail, an' he went after +him. As sooin as he'd catched him, he teed his kite band to th' donkey's +tail, sayin' as he did soa, "Nah aw can watch yo booath at once." But yo +shud a seen that donkey! At first he ran backards for abaaght a dozzen +yards, then he shot aght his heels wi' twenty donkey paar; but it wor +noa use tryin' to kick that kite, he cud just as easy ha' kicked +t'mooin. He tried to turn raand, but that ommost twisted his tail off, +then he planted his feet firmly i' t'graand, wi his tail stickkin' +straight aght like a brooish stail, an' luk'd at Chairley, as if for +some explanation. + +"Well, hah dusta like kite flyin', Testy? tha'd a rooar'd thi 'een up +afooar tha'd thowt a that. It's plain to be seen at tha connot run away +wi' that kite, an' th' kite connot flyaway wi' thee, soa awl leeave yo +an' goa get a bit a dinner." + +He worn't long away, but when he coom back, noa kite cud he see, but +theear wor Testy stud just as he'd left him. As Chairley walked to him +he nivver sturd, but, fancy his surprise when he saw at th' donkey's +tail wor missin'. It had dissolved partnership wi' Testy an' gooan to +realms aboon. Maybe it'll fessen it sen on to some little star an' mak a +comet on't. + +Chairley an Testy stud lukkin' at one another for a gooid five minnits, +an' at last Chairley sed, "Well Testy, tha caan't blame me; aw dooant +think thi appearance is mich improved, but still, tha must admit at tha +arn't as mich of a donkey nah as tha wor when aw gate tha. It seems to +me we'd better pairt, for we dooan't get on soa weel together; awl sell +mi stock an't panniers, an' thee an ivverything; aw shall ha' to sell' +em wholesale though, for aw cannot re-tail thee. But awl promise tha one +thing, whenivver aw fly a kite ageean, awl remember mi donkey's tail." + +Just then, Testy's knees begun to tremmle, his body rock'd from side to +side; he luk'd at Chairley as mich as to say, "assassin," an rowled +ovver brokkenhearted; an', withaght a struggle, he breathed his last +sigh to th' tune of "Good bye, Chairley, when aw'm away, dunnot forget +your Testimonial." + + + + +Five Paand Nooat. + + +Aw remember th' first time at aw iver had a five paand nooat, an' awm +like as if aw can see it yet. It worn't a new en, it wor one 'at had +gooan throo a gooid monny hands,--it wor soft an' silky to th' touch, +an' it wor yeller wi age, an' th' edges wor riven a bit, an it had a +split up th' middle, whear it had been cut i' two at some time an' stuck +together agean wi a bit o' postage stamp paper. Aw remember at that time +aw used to sleep up in a garret, all bi mysen, an' th' walls wor covered +wi bits o' pictures, an' shelves wor stuck up here an' thear, filled wi +bottles o' all maks o' stuff, an' aw'd an old box 'at aw could lock up +whear aw kept some pipes an bacca, an' owt else at aw darn't let awr +fowk know 'at aw had, an' carefully put away under th' bed wor another +little box whear aw kept cannels. Awm just th' same as if aw can see +mysen nah, as aw wor then, sat daan oth edge oth bed an' th' five paand +nooat on th' table anent me, studdyin what to buy. Aw varily believe 'at +aw bowt one hauf oth taan o' Halifax, i' mi mind, before aw went +to sleep; an aw didn't goa to sleep soa easily that neet as usual, +for after aw'd put th' cannel aght, aw bethowt me 'at skyleet mud be +left unfastened, an' soa aw had to get up an see. When aw'd getten to +bed agean aw felt sewer aw could hear summat stir under th' bed, an' aw +listened for a long time an' then aw felt sure ther wor somdy tryin to +breik into th' haase, for aw could hear' em sawin away as if to cut a +pannel aght oth door. At last aw thowt awd wakken up some o' awr fowk an +let 'em know, but as sooin as aw oppened th' door aw heeard it wor mi +father snorin, soa a crept back to bed. Aw wor just droppin off to sleep +when a thowt struck me, 'at maybe some on 'em ud be comin up stairs ith +mornin before aw wakkened, an' they'd be sure to see that five paand +nooat, an' then aw should have to give an' accaant on it, an' mi +father'd be sure to say he'd tak care on it for me, an' aw know what +that meant, soa aw jumped up age an an' put it under th' piller. Aw did +fall asleep in a while, but aw wakkened i' gooid time ith mornin an' th' +furst thing aw luk'd for wor that nooat, an' thear it wor, all reight. +Then aw gate up an walked aght a bit wol th' braikfast wor ready. Aw +hadn't gooan far when aw met a chap smokin a cigar, an' thinks aw, awl +have a cigar. Soa aw went into a shop an' axed far a gaoid cigar. 'Do yo +want it very mild?' he axed. 'Noa,' aw sed, 'let me have it as strong as +owt yo have.' For, thinks aw, aw'l let him see at awm noa new +beginner,--tho to spaik th' truth aw dooant think aw'd iver smok'd hauf +a duzzen i'mi life. 'That's the best and strongest cigar you can buy,' +he sed, holdin one up between his finger an thumb, but keepin a gooid +distance off. 'Weel,' aw sed, 'aw'l tak that.' 'But these cigars are +sixpence each.' Is that all?' aw sed, as aw threw daan mi five +paand nooat. As sooin as he saw that he picked it up an' held it up to +th' leet, an stroked it, and luk'd at me an' smiled; and he seemed to +tak a fancy to me all at once, an' axed m'e whear aw lived, an what they +call'd me, an' a lot o' things beside. Then he gave me a leet for mi +cigar, an' he sed he thowt aw wor a judge ov a cigar as sooin as he saw +me, an' he had just one box 'at he'd like me to give my opinion on. +Weel, aw worn't gooin to say at aw didn't know th' difference between a +penny cigar an' one worth a shillin, soa he showed me a box, an' aw +luk'd at 'em an' smel'd at 'em, an' tried to luk wise, an then aw sed, +they did seem a varry nice cigar. 'You are right, sir,' he sed, 'I see +you understand them,--I wish there were a few more like you.' An then he +sed in a whisper, 'at that wor th' only box he had o' that sooart, in +fact ther'd niver nobbut been that an' another, a'n t'other wor sent as +a present to th' Duke o' Wellington, but th' Duke, he sed wornt hauf as +gooid a judge as aw wor; an' he'd sell me that box for two paand, an' it +wor worth three. Aw wor beginnin to feel a bit sickly wi that aw wor +smokin, an' aw didn't care to tawk mich, an' as he hadn't given me onny +change, aw just nodded mi heead, and he had lapped up th' box in a +crack, and handed it me, an three soverings, an' wished me gooid day an +hoped aw'd call agean, and bowed me aght oth shop i' less time nor it +taks to tell it. As sooin as awd getten a few yards away, aw threw mi +cigar into th' street an' detarmined aw'd niver smook agean befoore +braikfast. Them cigars didn't last long, for ov coarse aw allus carried +a lot i' mi pocket, an' as that used to spoil' em a friend o' mine +persuaded me to buy a cigar case. He sell'd it me varry cheap, nobbut +ten shillin; an' then another gate me to subscribe a guinea to a cricket +club, an' aw wondered ha it wor 'at aw'd niver made friends wi' +some o'th' members befoor, for they wor a nice lot. At th' end of +three days mi cigars wor all done, an' soa wor mi five paand nooat. All +aw had wor a empty cigar box, a pastboard cigar case worth abaat +sixpence, a ticket 'at entitled me to visit all th' cricket matches +free,--but as th' season wor just endin it wor o' noa use,--an' had a +sooart ov an inklin 'at ther wor some truth i'mi father's words 'at aw +worn't old enuff to be trusted wi' brass. + +Aw went to bed, an' fell asleep withaat once thinkin abaat thieves; an' +ther's noa daat 'at what yo loise i' brass yo oft tinles gain i' +knowledge, for aw niver forgate th' fate o mi furst five paand nooat. + + + + +Silly Billy. + + +He wor a queer sooart of a chap wor Billy--allus makkin a fooil ov +hissen or else somedy wor makkin a fooil o' him. He wor a very quiet +chap too tho ivery nah an' then he gave hissen a bit ov a leetnin' i'th' +shap ov a rant, or as he used to call it, a 'gooid brust.' It woint oft +he did that sooart o' thing, but when he did he carried it on for a wick +or a fortnit, an' altho' his father had left a nice little farm for him +an' his mother, yet it sooin dwindled to nowt, for what wi' neglectin +his wark, an' spendin a bit o' brass, it wor like a cannel lit at booath +ends, it sooin swealed up. Aw remember one day when he'd been drinkin +till his brass wor done, he coom hooam to ax his mother to give him some +moor, an' coss shoo said shoo wod'nt he declared he'd set th' lathe o' +fire; but sho wodn't give him onny, soa he went into th' lathe, an' in a +bit one o'th' neighbors saw him gaping at tother side o'th' street an' +went up to ax him what he wor starin at? + +"It'll tinkle tip in a bit," sed Billy an' in a bit it did 'tinkle up,' +for he'd set th' haymoo o' fire, an' in abaght an haar, booath th' lathe +an' all 'at wor in it wor burned to th' graand. "Aw tell'd her aw'd do +it," he sed, "an' aw'm nooan to be licked when aw start." + +Th' poor owd woman wor sadly troubled, but what could shoo do, for what +could ony body expect throo Silly Billy? + +Shoo used to have some queer ways did Nancy; an' one system o' her's wor +allus to do iverything like clock wark. When Billy wor having one ov his +bits o' sprees, an' stoped away for two or three days, shoo allus made +him his porrige ivery marnin, an' if he worn't thear to ait 'em shoo +put' em i'th' cupbord, all in a row, an' when he did come, he could'nt +get a bite o' owt else till he'd finished' em all, soa he used to start +at th' oldest furst, an' as th' owd woman kept on makkin moor ivery +mornin, it wor noa easy job to ovettak 'em, an' be able to sit daan to a +warm meal. But like monny a one beside, altho' he wor soa mich put +abaght, it did'nt cure him; but when he'd had a doo, an' been two or +three days at cold poltices; as he call'd em, he used to say, "Niver noa +moor! If aw once get ovver this, yo'll niver catch me at that bat agean! +It's towt me a lesson 'as this." An' noa daat it had, but he varry sooin +forgate it. + +Ov coarse, when th' brass wor all done, he had to work a bit, an' aw +recollect when he started business ov his own hook, fowk used to plague +him sadly, an' weel they mud, for he gate a donkey an panniers an' +started to sell puttates an' greehs; but it soa happened, 'at one mornin +he'd nobbut as monny puttates as ud fill one pannier, an' as he put' em +i' one it made it side heavy, soa he gate a lot o' big stooans an' put +'em i'th' tother to balance it a bit, an' then he started off. But he +hadn't gooan far when a chap met him an' sed, "what are ta sellin, +Billy?" "Aw'm hawkin puttates," he sed. "Why, what's all thease stooans +for, has ta started o' leeadin balder?" "Noa," he sed, (an' then gave +him a sly wink as mich as to say aw'l let thee into a secret), "but does +ta see, aw'd nobbut as mich brass as ud buy one pannier full, soa aw wor +foorced to put stooans it th' tother to mak it balance." "Why, +lumphead!" sed th' chap, "couldn't ta put one hauf into one, an' tother +into tother?" Billy scratched his heead for a minit an' then sed, "e'ea! +but aw see a better road nor that--aw'l put hauf o'th' stooans amang th' +puttates, an' hauf o'th' puttates, amang th' stooans, an' then aw'st be +sure to have it." "Why but cannot ta mak 'em balance baght stooans, tup +heead?" sed th' chap. "Ov coorse aw con! aw niver thowt o' that," sed +Billy, an' he started an' squared 'em aght. But he niver made mich aght +o' hawkin, for he could niver leearn th' difference between six dozen +dozens and hauf a dozen dozens, an fowk 'at wor sharper used to chait +him mony a bit. + +One queer thing abaght him wor he delighted i' singing, an' if he heeard +a song 'at took his fancy he could remember it word for word. His mother +says 'at he's tramped mony a scoor mile to hear a song at pleased him, +an' if ony body'd sing for him he'd give' em owt he had. One day, as he +wor gooin his raands he met wi a chap 'at wor hummin a bit ov a tune, +an' he hearken'd to him for a bit, an' at last he sed, "Maister, aw +should like to know that song, ha mich will yo taich it me for?" "Oh, +it's a patent is that, lad, aw should want a gooid deal if aw towt thee +that." "Why," he said, "aw'l gie thi a bunch o' turnips an' four pund o' +puttates if tha'll sing it me twice ovver." "Nay," he sed, "wheniver aw +engage to sing, aw allus charge double, if aw'm honcoord; but I'll sing +it' once if tha'll throw a rooap o' onions into th' bargain." "Well, +tha'rt rather up i' thi price," he sed, "but aw'l agree soa start off." +They booath set daan o'th' rooad side, an' th' chap (he luk'd like a +gipsy), began: + + Aw'm as rich as a Jew, tho aw hav'nt a meg, + But aw'm free as a burd, an' aw shak a loise leg; + Aw've noa haase, an' noa barns, soa aw niver pay rent, + But still aw feel rich, for aw'm bless'd wi content, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, + An' if it is folly, + Let others be wise, but aw'l follow mi bent. + + Mi kitchen aw find amang th' rocks up o'th' moor, + An' at neet under th' edge ov a haystack aw snoor, + An' a wide spreeadin branch keeps th' cold rain off mi nop, + Wol aw listen to th' stormcock 'at pipes up o'th top; + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + + Aw niver fear thieves, for aw've nowt they can tak, + Unless it's thease tatters' at hing o' mi back; + An' if they prig them, they'lt get suck'd do yo see, + They'll be noa use to them, for they're little to me, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + + Fowk may turn up ther nooas as they pass me i'th' road, + An' get aght o'th' gate as if feear'd ov a tooad, + But aw laff i' mi sleeve, like a snail in its shell, + For th' less room they tak up, ther's all th' moor for misel, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + + Tho philosiphers tawk, an' church parsons may praich, + An' tell us true joy is far aght ov us raich; + Yet aw niver tak heed o' ther cant o' ther noise, + For he's nowt to be fear'd on 'at's nowt he can loise, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + +"By th' heart!" sed Billy, "aw nivver heeard sich a song as that i' all +mi life! Tha mun sing it ageean for me, wi' ta?" "Nay lad, aw'm nooan +soa fond o' singin as that comes to." "By gow, but tha mun!" "Well if aw +do aw'st want all th' puttates tha has left an' th' donkey an' all." +"Nay, Maister, that's rayther too hard, yo willn't want all th' lot aw'l +niver believe, yo'l throw me summat off?" "Well, aw dooant want to be +hard o' ony body, but tha knows it's net to be expected aw shall taich +thee a song like that for nowt, but as tha seems to be a daycent sooart +ov a chap, if tha'll gie me th' donkey an' th' puttates aw'l mak thee a +present o'th' panniers." "An' is that th' lowest hawpenny tha'll tak? Aw +wodn't bate a hair off th' donkey's tail at that price; tha knows if tha +wants to hear some reglar classified music tha'll ha to pay." "Well, +blaze into it," sed Billy, "an' aw'l hug th' panniers mysel." "They're +net a gurt weight." sed th' chap, "an' aw dar say they'll luk as weel o' +thee as o' it." An' wol Billy wor takkin 'em off th' donkey an' puttin +'em on to hissen, th' chap sang th' song ovver ageean, an' when he'd +done he walked off wi' th' donkey an' as mony puttates as he could hug, +an' Billy started off hooam wi his panniers ov his rig, singin, "Aw +live, an' aw'm jolly," wi such gusto wol th' fowk coom aght to see +whativer ther wor to do, an' when they saw him huggin th' panniers they +guessed what wor up, an' shook ther heeads, sarin, "Silly Billy!" Ov +coorse when he gate hooam he tell'd his mother abaght it, an' wad have +her listen to this new song. "Song, be hanged!" shoo sed, "aw'd a deal +rather hear that donkey rant nor all th' songs at iha con cram into thi +empty heead." An' away shoo went to get some fowk to follow th' chap an' +get th' donkey back agean. + +Two or three sooin set off an' within a few yards o' where Billy sed +he'd been, they fan it quietly nibblin a bit o' grass bith' side o' th' +gutter, for it seems th' chap had nobbut been havin a bit ov a joak, an' +left it behund. They gate it hooam agean an'after Billy's mother had +given him a gooid tawkin to, th' thing dropt. + +But aw think aw'st niver forget a marlock some chaps played him one day: +ther wor abaat six on 'em, an' they made it up to freeten him a bit, an' +mak him believe he wor baan to dee; soa just as he coom off th' corner +o' one o' th' streets, a chap steps up to him.--"Gooid mornin, Billy! ha +does ta feel this mornin, lad?" "Oh! Furst rate!" "Why aw'm fain to hear +it," he sed, "but, by th' heart! lad! tha luk's ill'!" "Does ta think aw +do?" "Eea, aw'm sure tha does!" "Why aw dooant feel to ail owt 'at aw +know on,' but aw dooant think 'at this hawkin agrees wi me so weel." +"Happen net, Billy! it doesn't agree wi ivery body, but tha mun tak care +o' thisen, nah do!" When he'd getten a bit farther another chap met +him:--"Well Billy!" he sed, "ha's trade lukkin this mornin lad?" "Things +is lukkin rayther black this mornin." "Tha luks white enuff onyway, has +ta been havin another wick o' 'cold porrige aitin?" "Nay aw hav'nt! but +aw dooant feel quite as weel as aw do sometimes, for aw fancy this job +doesn't agree wi me." "Aw dooant think it does bi' th' luk on thi, if +tha gooas on tha'll be able ta tak a lodger i' that suit o' clooas, +tha'll ha room enuff,--but tak care o' thisen, lad." Poor Billy wor +beginnin to feel poorly already, but when another met him an' axed him +if it wor h' furst time he'd been aght latly, it knock'd th' breeath +reig aght on him. He tried to shaat "puttates!" but he nobbut gate hauf +way throo, for when he'd sed "put!" he had'nt breeath left to say +"tates." "This'll niver do," he said, "aw mun goa hooam an' to bed, its +noa gooid trailin abaat th' streets this fashion, a'a, ha badly aw do +feel! an' all's come on soa sudden! A'a, man! man! what are ta?--as +sooin as th' organ strings get aght o' tune, tha'rt noa moor fit for nor +a barrel baght bottom, nor as mich! for they could turn a barrel tother +end up; but man! a'a dear a me!" "Gee up, Neddy, aw'm feeard tha'll +sooin have to luk aght for a new maister." + +When Billy gate hooam wi' his donkey, his mother wor fair capt. "What's +up, Billy," shoo sed, "Has ta sell'd up?" "Nay, mother, aw've nooan +sell'd up, but aw'm ommost done up: get that bed ready an' let me lig me +daan a bit." "Why what's th' matter? Has ta hurt thi or summat?" "Noa, +but aw'm varry poorly." "Where does ta feel to ail owt, lad!" "Aw dooant +know, aw think it's all ovver me, dooant yo think aw luk ill, mother?" +"Luk ill! why tha knows lad, aw dooant think it's allus safe to judge +fowk bi ther luks, but aw mun say aw nivver saw thi lookin better i' mi +life." "Why but aw must be poorly, mother, for two or three fowk has +tell'd me soa this marnin." Just then three or four heeads pop'd off th' +side o' th' jawm an' set up a gurt laff. Billy luk'd an' saw it wor th' +same chaps 'at had been tell in him ha ill he luk'd. "A'a Billy!" sed +his mother, "aw wonder when tha'll leearn a bit o' wit, tha sees they've +nobbut been makkin gam on thee." "Aw see," he sed, "but they've nooan +chaited me soa varry far after all, for aw'm blow'd if aw iver did +believe it! Gee up, Neddy!" an' away he went to his wark. + +But like monny a chap 'at's considered rayther soft, he worn't all soft, +an' one bit ov a trick he did is worth tellin. He'd been aght one day +tryin to sell some red yearin, but it seemed as if noabdy wanted owt o' +that sooart that day, an' as he wor commin back, a lot o' chaps wor +stood at th' corner o' th' fold, an' one on 'em stop'd him an says, "Ha +is it tha'rt bringin thi yearin back agean?" "Coss ther's noabdy 'll +buy' em," sed Billy. "Well what does ta want for em?" "Aw'l tak owt aw +can get, if aw can find a customer, but aw'st net find one here aw +know." "Come dooant tawk so fast, Billy!" sed th' chap, winkin at his +mates, "ha mich are they worth?" "They should be worth ninepence." "Well +aw'l bet thee hauf a crown 'at aw can find thee a customer, if tha'll +take what he offers thee for em." "Well aw dooant oft bet," sed Billy, +"but aw'l bet thee haulf a craan if tha offers me a price aw'l tak it." +"Done," sed th' chap, an' th' stakes wor put into a friend's hand to +hold. "Nah then!" he sed, "aw'! gie thee a penny for th' lot." "They're +thine," sed Billy, an' he handed 'em ovver. "That's nooan a bad trade," +he sed, "a penny an' hauf-a-craan for ninepennorth o' yearin." Th' chap +sa'w 'at he wor done, an' he luk'd rayther dropt on, an' ov coarse his +mates wor suited. "Niver heed," sed Billy "aw dooant like to be hard o' +anybody, soa if tha doesn't want 'em aw'l buy' em back at th' same +price." "By gow, Billy! tha'rt a trump," sed th' chap, "tak th' yearins +an' gie me hold o'th' brass." Billy took th' yearings, an' handed him a +penny. "Nay! gieme th' hauf-craan an' all," sed th' chap. "Nooan soa, +sed Billy, aw've gien thee th' same price for' em as tha gave me, an' aw +know aw'm net as sharp as some, but as aw've ninepenorth o' yearin left, +an a hauf-a-craan moor i' mi pocket, aw fancy aw've made a profit. An' +th' next time tha wants to mak a fooil ov a chap, start o' somdy 'at's +less wit nor this en, an' then tha weant be dropt on." + +That wornt a bad move ov a chap they call Silly Billy. + + + + +Put up wi' it. + + +Aw think aw could tell what day it wor th o' aw didn't know if aw could +see a lot o' factry fowk gooin to ther wark. Mondy's easy to tell, +becoss th' lasses have all clean approns on, an' ther hair hasn't lost +its Sundy twists, an' twines ther faces luk ruddier an' ther een +breeter. Tuesdy, ther's a change; they're not quite as prim lukkin! ther +topping luk fruzzier, an' ther's net as monny shignons as ther wor th' +day before. Wednesday,--they just luk like hard-workin fowk 'at live to +wark an' wark to live. Ther's varry few faces have a smile on 'em, an' +th' varry way they set daan ther clogs seems to say, "Wark-a-day, +Live-a-day, Laik-a-day, Get-noa-pay; Rain-or-noa, Bun-to-goa." +Thursdy.--They luk cross, an' ther heeads are abaat hauf-a-yard i' +advance o' ther tooas. Ther clogs seem to ha made up ther mind net to +goa unless they're made. Friday.--That's pay day. Noa matter ha full +ther belly may be, ther's a hungry luk abaat ther een; an'ther's a lot +on 'em huggin baskets; an' yo can see it written i' ther faces 'at if +they dar leeave as sooin as they've getten ther bit o' brass they wod. +Then comes Setterday --Short day--an' yo can tell th' difference as +sooin as yo clap een on' em. They're all i' gooid spirits. They luk at +th' church clock as they pass, an' think it'll sooin be nooin, an' +then!--An' then what? Why, then they'll have a day an' a hauf for +thersen--abaat one fifth o' ther life--one fifth o' ther health an' +strength for thersen. That doesn't luk mich, but ther fain on it. They +owt to be thankful becoss they live in a free country. They can suit +thersen's whether they do that, or go to th' workhaase. Justice, they +say, is blind, an' if Freedom isn't, shoo must be put to th' blush +sometimes. + + Who'd be a slave, when Freedom smiling stands, + To strike the gyves from of his fettered hands? + Who'd be a slave, and cringe, and bow the knee, + And kiss the hand that steals his liberty? + Behold the bird that flits from bough to bough; + What though at times the wintry blasts may blow,-- + Happier it feels, half frozen in its nest, + Than caged, though fed and fondled and caressed. + 'Tis said, 'on Briton's shore no slave shall dwell,' + But have you heard not the harsh clanging bell, + Or the discordant whistles' yelling voice, + That says, 'Work slave, or starve! That is your choice!' + And have you never seen the aged and grey, + Panting along its summons to obey; + Whilst little children run scarce half awake, + Sobbing as tho' ther little hearts would break + And stalwart men, with features stern and grave, + That seem to say, "I scorn to be a slave." + He is no slave;--he is a Briton free, + A noble sample of humanity. + This may be liberty,--the ass, the horse, + Wear out their lives in routine none the worse. + They only toil all day,--then eat and sleep, + They have no wife or children dear to keep. + Better, far better, is the tattered lout, + Who, tho' all so-called luxuries without, + Can stand upon the hill-side in the morn, + And watch the shadows flee as day is born. + Tho' with a frugal meal his fast he breaks, + And from the spring his crystal draught he takes, + Better, far better, seems that man to mel + For he owns Heaven's best gift,--his liberty. + +Aw dooant believe i' idleness--aw hate a chap 'at's too lazy to do his +share--but what aw dooant like is 'at he should have to wark just +exactly when, an' whear, an' for just soa mich (or, aw owt to say, just +soa little) as another chap thinks fit. They'll say, if he doesn't like +it he can leave it. Happen net--may be he can't get owt else, an' he's a +haase an' family to luk after. Then they'll say, 'if he can't better +hissen he mun _put up wi' it._' That's what he is dooin, an' it's +_puttin up wi' it_ 'at's makkin him soa raand shouldered. It's +_puttin up wi' it_ 'at's made them hollow cheeks an' dull heavy een. + + + + +A Queer Dream. + + +Eight haars wark, eight haars play, eight haars sleep, an' eight shillin +a day.--That saands nice; but them 'at live to see it will live to see +moor nor aw it expect to see. Patience is a varty, soa let's have +patience. Things are better nor they wor, an' they're bun to improve. +Th' thin end o' th' wedge has getten under th' faandation o' that idol +'at tyranny an' fraud set up long sin, an' although fowk bow to it yet, +they dooant do it wi' th' same reverence. Give it a drive wheniver +you've a chonce, an' some day yo'll see it topple ovver, an' once daan +it'll crumble to bits, an' can niver be put up agean. I' th' paper +t'other day, aw saw a report ov a speech whear a chap kept mentionin his +three thaasand hands. He sed nowt abaat three thasand men an' +wimmen--they wor his 'hands'--his three thaasand human machines, an' aw +couldn't help thinkin 'at it wor a pity 'at they'd iver been born wi' +heads an' hearts, they owt to ha been all _hands,_ an' then they'd ha +suited him better. An' he seemed to think bi th' way he tawk'd, 'at but +for him theas three thaasand _hands_ wad ha had to starve, but +Providence had raised him up o' purpose to find 'em summat to do. He +didn't throw aght a hint 'at but for his three thaasand _hands_ he'd a +niver ha been i' Parliament. He didn't think he owed' em owt, net he! +What wor he born for? Why, ov coarse, he wor born to have three thaasand +_hands_. An' what wor th' hands born for? To work for him. It's simple +enuff if you can nobbut see it. Aw had a dream t'other neet, aw'l tell +yo abaat it. Aw thowt ther wor a little chap, he didn't stand moor nor +abaat six or seven inches heigh, but he wor dress'd like a king, an' he +had a sceptre in his hand, an' he had hundreds, may be thaasands, for aw +couldn't caan't 'em, ov _hands_ (aw should call 'em men an' wimmen, +but he call'd 'em _hands_), an' they each stood abaat six feet. Some +wor daycently clooathed, an' some wor hardly clooathed at all, an' they +wor all working to build him a palace; but they wor building it as big +as if a thaasand giants wor to live in it, an' th' stooans an' timbers +wor soa heavy wol they ommost sank under ther looads; an' at times they +seemed soa worn aght 'at aw thowt they'd be foorced to give it up. But +th' little king coom strutting raand wi' his sceptre, an' they lifted +him up i' ther arms, one bi' one, an' he patted' em o' ther cheeks, an' +then they set him daan agean an' went on wi' ther wark, an' he went back +to his velvet cushions an' ligged daan an' laff'd. But ther Iooads kept +gettin heavier, an' at last they wor soa worn aght 'at they detarmined +to goa an' ax him to ease 'em a bit or to give 'em a rest; but when they +spake to him he jumpt up an' shook his sceptre at 'em, an' as sooin as +they saw that they all ran back to ther wark terrified aght o' ther wit, +an' he ordered ther looads to be made heavier still, an' if one on em +offered to complain he shook his sceptre, an' he ran back to his labour. +Aw wondered to mysen whativer this sceptre could be made on 'at should +mak it be such a terror to 'em, an' aw crept behund him wol he wor +asleep, an' put it i' mi pocket, an' then aw hid behund a pillar to +watch 'em. In a bit some on' em grew tired an' luk'd towards th' king, +an' he jumpt up an' felt for his sceptre, but it had gooan, an' then +they rubbed ther een an' luk'd at him, an' then they laff'd an' call'd +all t'others to join' em. Then they picked up th' little king to luk at, +an' they all laff'd, an' th' moor he stormed an' th' better it suited +'em, an' they put him on a square stooan an' made him donce a jig, an' +wol he wor dancing aw tuk aght th' septre to Iuk at, an' aw saw it wor a +ten paand nooat rolled up like a piece o' pipe stopper, an' a hauf a +sovereign at th' end on it. Then they all set up a gurt shaat an' went +off, leavin him to build his own palace, an' as they hustled past me aw +wakkened. + + + + +The Mystery of Burt's Babby + + +Chapter I. + +It sets me thinkin', sometimes, when aw tak a rammel abaat th' hills an' +valleys o' mi own neighborhood, what i' th' name o' fortun' maks ivvery +body lang to get as far away throo hooam as they can to enjoy thersens. +Change o' air may be gooid nah an' then; but as aw've travelled a bit +misen, an' visited all them spots 'at they favour mooast, an' seen ha +fowk conduct thersens 'at goa for th' benefit o' ther health, it strikes +me 'at change o' air is a varry poor excuse, for it's just a spree 'at +they goa for, an' nowt else, nine times aght o' ten. + +Last June, aw had two or three days to call mi own (an', by gow! if yo +nivver worked in a miln, yo dooant knaw what a blessing that is), an' aw +tuk a walk as far as Pellon, an' then dahn throo Birks Hall an' ovver +th' Shrogs to Ovenden, then throo Illingworth to Keighley, an' on as far +as Steeton. (Ony body 'at thinks that isn't fur enuff for one day can +try it thersen, an' see ha they like it.) + +When aw gets to th' Gooat's Heead, aw wor fain to sit daan an' rest a +bit. A pint o' ale ran daan mi throit just like teemin it daan a sink +pipe, an' when aw set daan to th' cold roast beef an' pickled cabbage; +well, yo' may think aw did it justice, but aw didn't, for that mait had +nivver done me ony harm, an' th' way aw punished it was disgraceful, +tho' I say it misen; an' when th' landlady coom in to tak away th' bit +ther wor left (an' it worn't mich), aw saw her luk raand to mak sure 'at +ther wor nobbut one 'at had been pickin' off that. Aw felt soa shamed +'at aw wor ivver so long befor' aw dar ax her ha much aw owed, an' when +shoo said eightpence, aw blushed like a pyannet, and paid it, but aw +knew varry weel 'at aw wor a shillin' i' debt then if ivverybody had +ther own. Hasumivver shoo were satisfied; in fact, shoos allus +satisfied, shoo'd nivver ha' been as big as shoo is if shoo let little +things bother her (an shoo has lots o' bonny little things running +abaat). Well, aw went to bed, an' slept till mornin'. Aw can't say +whether all were quiet or not, for nowt could ha' disturbed me, aw +believe aw should ha' slept saandly if ther'd been Sowerby Brig Local +Booard o' one side, an' th' Stainland School Booard o' t'other, an' th' +Haley Hill bell ringers playin' "Hail, smilin' morn." at th' bed feet. +But all this has nowt to do wi what aw intended tell in' yo abaat. + +Next mornin aw gate up, an' after braikfast (sich a braikfast! aw nivver +felt soa stuck up i' all mi life as aw felt after gettin' that +braikfast, aw couldn't even bend to see if mi shoes were blackened) aw +set aght agean, an' went as far as Silsden. Nah, for th' information o' +fowk at wor nivver thear, aw may as weel tell yo a thing or two. Silsden +wor nivver planned, it grew, just like th' brackens i' th' woods, +throwin' aght a branch one way or another, as it thowt fit. Thers one or +two fact'rys, a nail shop or two, two or three brigs, some nice chapels, +an' th' rummest owd pile for a church' at yo'll meet in a day's march; a +lot o' nice, clean cottages, tenanted wi strong men an' hearty lukkin +women, wi hearts i' ther breasts as big as bullocks, an' as monny +childer raand th' doors as if they wor all infant schooils; an' a varry +fair sprinklin' o' public haases. + +Nah monny a one would wonder ha soa monny fowks could live an' thrive i' +sich a place--aw wonder misen; an' some wod wonder whear all th' fowk +coom throo to fill ther chapels an' church: but aw doant wonder at that, +for wheriver there's a lot o' wimmen an' lasses 'at can spooart nice +Sunday clooas there's sure to be a lot 'at'll goa to places o' worship +to show' em; an' whear th' lasses, are, there will th' lads be also. (Aw +believe that's a quotation, but awm net sure.) An' th' publics--they +tell me they niver wod ha' been able to get on at all if it hadn't been +for th' Sunday closin', but as sooin as fowk see th' doors shut they +begin to feel dry, an' as th' constable is a chap' at wodn't lower his +dignity bi goin' to see if fowks back doors wor oppen, things wark +pratty weel. It wor at th' Red Lion aw thawt aw'd stop this time (that's +whear iverybody stops 'at knows what gooid grub is; an' it's worth +sixpence any time to see Tommy's face when he's mad, an' a shillin to +see his wife's an' hear her laff when shoo's suited). It wor here 'at +this tale wor tell'd to me--its's rayther sorrowful, but then it may +happen to be relished bi some 'at read it. + +Sally Bray worn't a beauty, but shoo wor what yo'd call a nice lass. Her +hair an' een wor black as sloes, an' her cheeks wor ommost as red as her +lips, an' they wor like cherries; her teeth wor as white as a china cup, +but her noas worn't mich to crack on. Shoo wor rayther short an' dumpy, +but ther wor allus sich a pleasant smile abaat her face, an' shoo wor +soa gooid tempered at ivvery body liked her an' had a kind word for "awr +Sal," as they called her. Nah Sally worn't like other lasses in one +respect, shoo nivver tawked abaat having a felly, an' if others sed owt +abaat sweethearts an' trolled her for net havin' one, shoo'd luk at 'em +wi her een blazin' like two fireballs, but nivver a word could they get +her to say. Shoo had noa father or mother, nor any relation i' th' +world, unless it wor a brother, an' shoo didn't know whether he wor +livin' or net, for he'd run away to sea when a little lad, an' shoo'd +nivver heeard on him agean; but it wor noaticed 'at when once a sailor +happened to call at th' Lion one day, 'at shoo showed him moor favor nor +shoo'd showed any body else, an' even sat beside him for an haar, to +hear him tell abaat ships an' storms. Well, he wor th' only one shoo +ivver had showed any fancy for, an' he wor th' last, for little moor nor +a year after that Sally had gooan. + + +Chapter II. + +One mornin', about eight or nine months after that sailor's visit, a +young farmer happened to be walkin' across one o' th' fields 'at formed +a part o' th' Crow Tree Farm, when he saw a little hillock wi' fresh +gathered wildflowers, an' bending daan wondering at sich a thing should +be i' sich a place, all lonely an' barren, he noticed some fresh soil +scattered raand it. Rooting wi his fingers, he sooin com to a little +bundle, an' what should he see when he oppened it, but a bonny little +babby, lukkin' as sweet an' pure as th' flaars 'at had been strewed ower +it. + +He wor a rough sooart ov a young chap, but noabody could ha handled that +little thing more tenderly nor he did. "That's noa place to bury the +likes o' thee," he sed; "aw dooant know who or what tha art, but tha +shall have a better burying place nor that, if aw have to pay for it +misen." + +He folded it up carefully, an' carried it to th' farmhouse cloise by, +an' when he entered it, slowly an' solemnly, an' laid his strange bundle +on th' table, th' farmer's wife and dowters gethered raand an' eagerly +axed "What's to do, Burt? What has to getten thear? Thou luks as if +tha'd stown summat." "Aw've stown nowt, but aw've fun summat, an' aw've +browt it here to be takken care on, wol aw cun tell what to do wi' it." +He unteed his kertchey, an' when they saw what were in it th' lasses +shriked an' ran away, declaring they'd ha' nowt to do wi' it; but th' +owd woman luked at it a minit, and then turnin' to Burt, shoo sed, +"Burt, is this some o' thy work, or what is it? Tell me all abaat it, +an' mind tha spaiks truth." + +Burt telled all he knew, an' wol he wor repeatin' ivvery thing just as +it happened, owd Mary (that's what th' farmer's wife wor allus called) +wor examinin' th' little thing, an' handlin' it as noabody but an owd +mother can handle sich tender things, "Why, Burt," shoo sed, "it cannot +ha' been thear monny minits, for it's warm yet." "Here, lasses," shoo +cried, "get me some warm water. Luk sharp, aw'm blessed if aw believe +th' little thing's deead." An' th' owd woman wor reight, for it, hadn't +been long i' th' warm watter when it opened its little peepers. An' if +onybody can say 'at Burt cannot dance a single step, Heelan' fling, a +hornpipe, an' owt else, all at once, aw say they lie, for th' way he +capered raand that kitchen wor a caution. + +"Aw fun it, an' it belangs to me," he sed; "get aght o' th' gate, +there's noabody nowt to do wi' that but me." + +"Hold thi din, tha gurt maddlin', are ta wrang i' thi head? Does ta +think tha can suckle a child?" This sooart o' sobered him. "Aw nivver +thowt o' that," he sed, "cannot yo' suckle it for me, Mary?" "If tha +tawks sich tawk to me, aw'll mash thi head wi th' rollin' pin; my +suckling days wor ower twenty years sin." + +"Well, one o' th' lasses 'll happen suckle it for me," he sed. At this +t'dowters flew at him like two wild cats, an' wanted to know "if he'd +owt to say agen their karracters?" + +"Awve nowt to say agean noboddy's karracters," he sed, "but aw know this +mich, 'at if aw wor a gurt young woman like one o' yo, aw could suckle a +bit o' a thing like that. Why it doesn't weigh four pund." "Burt," said +owd Mary, "tha doesn't know what tha'art tawkin' abaat, aw'll luk after +this if tha'll goa an' fotch a cunstable as sharp as tha con." + +"What mun aw fotch a cunstable for? yo' ain't going to have it locked +up, are yo'?" + +"Noa, but aw want to find th' woman that belangs to it." + +"Ther isn't noa woman at belangs to it," sed Burt, "it belangs to me, aw +fun it. Aw'm blowed if it isn't trying to tawk, did ta hear it, Mary?" + +"A'a soft-heead, that's th' wind 'at its gettin' off its stummack. Away +wi thi an' fotch th' cunstable, as aw tell thi. But befoor tha gooas, +bring me a drop o' new milk aght o' th' mistal, an' get me a bit o' +breead, an' awl see if it'll tak some sops." + +Burt hurried off, an' in a minit wor back wi a can holdin' abaat two +gallons, an' a looaf ommast as big as th' faandation stooan for a +church. + +"Nay, Burt, what will ta do next, aw'm sure tha's gooan clean off thi +side. Tha's browt moor milk nor ud feed all th' childer i' Silsden for a +month." + +"Doant yo' be feeared abaat th' milk," sed Burt, "awl pay for it; let it +have summat to ait. Tun summat into it. Aw wonder if it ud like a drop +o' hooam-brewed?" "If tha doesn't mak thisen scarce aw'll break ivvery +booan i' thi skin. Haven't aw getten enuff to do wi' this brat, withaat +been bothered wi' thee! Go and fetch that cunstable when aw tell thi." + +"Well, if aw mun goa, aw'll goa, but mind what yo're doing with that +thing, an' dooant squeeze it." After lukkin' at it once moor, an' seeing +it sneeze, he started off to th' village happier nor any man within a +hundred mile. + +It didn't tak Burt long to find th' cunstable, for he knew th' haase +where he slept most ov his time, and they wor sooin up at owd Mary's. +They'd a fine time when they gat there too, for th' child wer asleep, +and Mary refused to let onybody disturb it. Burt declared it wor his, an +he'd a reight to see it when he liked; an'th' cunstable sed he wor armed +wi law an' should tak it into custody whether it wor asleep or net. +Mary's husband wor upstairs confined to bed wi rhumatics, but th' +dowters had tell'd him all abaat Burt's adventure, an' as he could hear +all 'at wor sed, he furst began to feel uneasy, an' then to loise his +temper, soa he seized his crutch an' ran daan stairs like a lad o' +sixteen, an' laid abaat him reight an' left, an' i' less nor a minit +Burt, th' cunstable, an' owd Mary wor aghtside. + +"Nah," he sed, as he stood i' th' doorhoil, puffin' an' blowin', wi' his +crutch ovver his shoulder, like a musket, "Aw'll let yo see whose child +that is! It wor fun i' my field, an' it belangs to me. What my land +produces belangs to me, noa matter whether it's childer or chicken +weed!" Things wor i' this state when one o' th' dowters showed her heead +aght o' th' winder an' cried, "Mother, it's wakkened, an' it's suckin' +it's thumb as if it wor clammed to deeath." "Mary," sed th' owd man, +"does ta mean to starve that child to deeath? coss if tha cannot luk +after it, aw'll luk after it mysel'." This wor th' signal for all to goa +inside, an' a bonnier pictur' yo nivver saw nor that war when owd Mary +sat wi' that little thing on her lap, givin' it sops, an' three big, +strong, but kind-hearted fellows, sat raand, watchin' ivvery bit it tuk +as if ther own livin' depended on it. Ther war a gooid deeal o' 'fendin' +an' provin', but whear that child coom fra an' who wor it's mother +noabody could tell. Time passed, an' as Mary sed th' child thrived like +wood, an' ivverybody called it "Burt's Babby." Burt wor a decent, +hard-workin' lad, an' had for a long time luk'd longin'ly at one o' +Mary's dowters, an' one day ther wor a stir i' th' village, an' Burt war +seen donned up like a dummy at a cloas shop, an' wi' a young woman +linked to his arm as if shoo thowt he wor goin' to flyaway, an' it +wanted all her weight to keep him daan, an' claise behind, wor th' owd +farmer an' his wife, owd Mary Muggin, an' th' little babby. + +It didn't tak th' parson monny minits to tee' em together for better an' +for worse, an' then Burt took th' babby an' gave it to his bride, +sayin', "Here's summat towards haase keepin' anyway." An' shoo tuk it +an' kussed it as if it had been ther own. They went to live at a nice +little farm, an' th' owd fowk gave' em a gooid start. Sally Bray had +allus shown a fondness for Burt's babby, 'at fowk could hardly accaant +for, an' shoo went an' offered her sarvices as sarvant an' nurse, an' +nivver did ony body seem soa fond of a child as Sally did o' that. + +Things went on nicely for a while, an' then th' scarlet fever coom; +every day saw long sorrowful processions follerin' little coffins, an' +ivery body luk'd sad an' spake low. + +At last, Burt's babby wor takken sick, an' all they could do couldn't +save it, an' early one mornin' it shut it's een, an' went its way to +join those 'at had gone before. + +Burt an' his wife wor varry mich troubled, but it war Sally Bray 'at +suffered mooast. They couldn't get her to leave that cold still form, +soa they left her with it till her grief should be softened; an' when +some time had passed, they went to call her, but it wor no use, for her +spirit had goan to tend Burt's babby. + +After shoo wor buried, some papers were picked aght o' one o' Sally's +boxes, and it were sed' at they explained all, but what they were Burt +an' his wife nivver telled, so it still remains a mystery. + +At th' grave side stood a fine young chap, who dropt monny a tear as th' +coffin wor lowered. He wor sed to be verry like that strange sailor 'at +had once before visited th' village. When Burt passed him he gave him a +purse, sayin' "for a gravestone," and went away noabody knew whear. Some +sed it was Sally's brother, but noabody seems to know. + +Anybody 'at likes to tak a walk an' call at that little graveyard can +see a plain stoan 'at says + + SALLY BRAY, + AN' + BURT'S BABBY. + + + + +Mak th' best on't. + + +They say it taks nine tailors to mak a man. Weel, all aw have to say +abaat it is, 'at aw've known some men i' mi time, 'at it ud tak nineteen +to mak a tailor. Why some simpletons seem to think 'at they've a right +to mak fun ova chap becoss he's a tailor, aw can't see. They're +generally praad enuff o' ther clooas--then why not be praad o' th' fowk +'at mak 'em. Ther's a deal o' fowk 'at wodn't be as weel off as they are +if it worn't for th' tailors. But it's noa use tawkin, for ther's some +'at couldn't live if they didn't find summat to say a word agean. + + A little word 'at's easy sed, + Sometimes may heal a smart; + A cruel word or luk instead, + May help to braik a heart. + + Men hang together like a chain, + Tho' varied be ther plan; + Each link hangs by another link, + Man hangs to brother man. + +But a gooid word throo some is as scarce as a white crow. They're +iverlastingly lukking aght for faults an' failins, an' gooid words an' +gooid deeds are things they niver think are due to onnybody but thersen. + + Life's pathway could oft be made pleasant, + If fowk wor to foller this plan; + Throo a prince ov the throne to a peasant, + To do a gooid turn when they can. + +But they'll nawther do a gooid turn thersen nor let onybody else do one +if they can help it. They seem to be born wi' soa mich eliker i' ther +blooid 'at if they come i' contact wi' ony sweet milk o' human kindness, +'at it curdles it. Whether it's ther own fault or th' fault o' ther +mother aitin too many saar gooisberries before they wor born aw can't +tell. Aw've met some soa ill contrived 'at they wodn't let th' sun shine +on onybody's puttaty patch but ther own if they could help it. + +Nah this class o' fowk have generally one or two noations o' ther own +'at they think iverybody else owt to be ruled by. One'll be a strict +teetotaller, an' consider 'at onybody 'at taks a drop o' drink is gooin +to a place whear top coits wiln't be needed. Another belangs to some +sect, an' doesn't hesitate to say 'at onybody 'at gooas to a Concert +Hall has signed a contract wi' that dark complexioned owd snoozer 'at +wears horns an' wags a tail. They've been at th' trouble to chalk aght a +line for iverybody else to walk on, tho' they know varry weel 'at they +dooant allus keep to it thersen when ther's nubdy lukkin. + +Well, let them 'at relish th' saars have' em to ther hearts' content, +but dooant try to prevent other fowk havin some o' th' sweets. Aw'm one +o' them 'at likes th' sweets best, an' if they'll nobbut let me alooan +aw'll promise niver to mell o' them. + +Grooanin, mooanin, an' grummelin, is abaat th' warst way o' spendin +one's time. If yo come in for a lot o' gooid things, enjoy 'em wol yo've +th' chance, an' dooant pass by ivery flaar 'at smiles along yor path for +fear yo may find a twitch-clock i' one. An' if things dooant turn aght +just as gooid as yo'd like' em, try to mak th' best o' th' bit o' gooid +ther is in 'em. + + They tell me this world's full o' trouble, + An' each one comes in for a share; + An' pleasure they say is a bubble, + 'At gooas floating away up in th' air. + But aw'll niver give way to repinin, + Tho' th' claads may luk gloomy an' black, + For they all have a silvery linin, + An' some day shall breeten awr track. + Let other fowk brood o'er ther sorrow, + From each day enjoyment we'll borrow, + Let to-morrow tak care ov to-morrow, + An strive to be happy to-day. + + + + +Mrs Spaiktruth's Pairty. + + +It ud be a gooid thing if somdy could find a remedy for backbitin an' +gossipin:--for lyin an' stailin an' a lot moor things o'th' same sooart +'at's varry common. Last year aw gate an invitation to a woman's tea +drinkin, an' ov coarse aw went, for aw niver miss a chonce o' enjoyin +mysen if aw can do it withaat mich expense. Th' warst o' this do wor' at +ther wor noa man amang, em but me, an' aw shouldn't a been thear, but +Mistress Spaiktruth wanted me to repoart th' speeches, an' as shoo wor +givin th' pairty shoo set at th' end o'th' table an' teem'd aght th' +teah an' Mistress Snipenooas put th' rum in. After iverybody had getten +supplied ther wor quietness for abaat five minutes, an' altho' nobdy +wanted owt to ait, fatty cakes an' buttered muffins went aght o'th' seet +like winkin. After th' second cup one or two began whisperin a bit, an' +after th' third, it wor like being i' th' middle ov a lot o' geese; they +wor all cacklin at once, an' judging bi th' smiles o' ther faces they +felt very happy. When th' pots wor sided (an' they'd takken gooid care +to leave nowt but th' pots to side), they drew up in a ring raand th' +fire, an' Mrs. Spaiktruth wor put i'th' rockin chair to rule th' +proceedins. + +'Nah, lasses,' shoo sed, 'aw havnt mich to say nobbut to tell yo all at +yor varry welcome, an' aw hooap yo've all made a gooid drinkin ('we have +lass!') 'an aw hooap we shall have some gooid speeches throo some on +yo', for aw know thers some gooid tawkers amang yo, but this year's +meetin is to be conducted on a different plan to onny we've had befoor. +Ther hasn't to be ony gossipin or backbitin, an' them 'at cannot say a +few words withaat scandalizin ther neighbours, blagardin ther own +husbands, or throwin aght hints likely to injure sombdy's else, munnot +spaik at all.' + +When Mrs. Spaiktruth had finished, th' wimmen luk'd one at another, fast +what to mak on it. Two or three o'th' older end settled thersen daan for +a sleep, an' th' rest luk'd as faal as a mule i' th' sulks. Aw pooled +aght mi book to tak daan th' speeches, an' this is my repooart.-- + + _1st Speech._--'Let's goa lasses.' + _2nd Speech._--'Ther's nowt to stop here for.' + _3rd Speech._--'Aw'll goa too, awm feard o' goin bi mysen i' th' + dark.' + _4th Speech._--'Awr childer'll be waitin for me.' + _5th Speech._--'It's my weshin day to morn, soa aw want to get to + bed i' daycent time.' + _6th Speech._--(Five or six at once) 'Come on.' + +Th' meetin braik up varry early, an' as sooin as they'd getten aght +side, aw heeard 'em sayin 'at Mistress Spaiktruth wor naa better nor +shoo should be, an' if shoo thowt shoo could put on airs wi' them shoo +wor varry mich mistakken, an' as for gossipin, shoo wor th' longest +tongued woman i' th' neighbourhood, an' they declared they'd niver enter +a haase shoo kept agean. Aw saw Mrs. Spaiktruth next day, an' aw sed, +'ther worn't mich tawkin at yor teah drinkin last neet,' shoo smiled, +but all shoo sed wor 'Silence is better nor slander.' + + + + +Why Tommy isn't a Deacon. + + +Tommy wor allus considered to be th' tip top in his trade. His worn't a +common sooart ov a callin like wayvin, or spinnin, or coil leeadin. He +nobbut had to deal wi'th' heeads o'th' community. Th' fact is he wor a +barber; an' ther's monny a chap at awd moor o' thear gooid fortun to th' +way he fixed up th' aghtside o' thear heeads, nor what they did to th' +fixin i'th' inside. + +Aw've monny a time thowt when aw've seen him thrang 'at his trade wor +just a reight schooil for a chap to gaa to, to leearn to have contempt +for wod-be gurt fowk, for aw've seen chaps come in lukkin as fierce as a +pot-lion, an ommost makkin yo tremel wi' th' way they sed' gooid +mornin,' but as sooin as they've getten set daan, an' a gurt print +table-cloth tucked under ther chin, an' lathered up to ther een, they've +sat as quiet an' luk'd as sheepish as a chap' at's just been to see his +sweetheart get wed. + +Well, ther wor nobbut one thing 'at Tommy aspired to, moor nor what he +had, an' that wor to be a deacon. Net 'at he knew owt abaat what a +deacon owt to be, or owt to do, but becoss a chap 'at used to goa to th' +same schooil when they wor lads, had getten made a deacon at th' +Starvhoil Baptists' Chapel, an' Tommy didn't like to be behund hand; an' +then agean ther wor a woman in th' case. + +Tommy had allus been a pretty regular attender at auther one chapel or +another, but he'd niver stuck to one i' particular, for he liked to hear +different preachers, an' he didn't feel varry anxious to pay pew rent. +But just abaat this time summat happened 'at made a change in him. + +Cloise to whear he lived ther wor a chap 'at kept a sausage shop, an' he +wor takken sick an' deed, an' his widder sent for Tommy to come an' +shave him befoor he wor burrid, an' he did it i' sich a nice an' +considerate way, an' tawked soa solemn, an' pooled sich a long face, 'at +he gate invited to th' funeral, an wor axed to be one o'th' bearers an' +as he nobbut stood abaat four feet in his booits, he consented at once, +for as t'other five chaps all stood abaat six feet, he knew he wodn't +have mich to carry. + +When th' funeral wor nicely ovver, an' they gate back to th' haase, they +wor all invited to stop an' have a bit o' summat to ait, an' as sausage +wor th' handiest o' owt to cook, shoo axed 'em if they'd have some. +Nubdy'd owt to say agean it, but Tommy didn't seem satisfied, an' when +th' widder saw it shoo sed, 'may be, Tommy sausage doesn't agree wi' +yo,--is thear owt else yo'd like?' + +"Well," he sed, "aw've nowt agean sausage, but aw think 'at black +pudding wad be moor appropriate for a burrin." + +"Tha'd happen like black beer to swill it daan," sed one. "Nah, yo 'at +want sausage can have it, an' them 'at likes black puddin can have +that," shoo sed.' An' varry sooin ther wor a dish o' booath befoor' em, +but nubdy seemed to fancy th' black pudding nobbut Tommy, an aw dooant +think he enjoyed' em mich, for they worn't varry fresh. + +'Get some moor, Tommy,' shoo sed, 'it does me gooid to see you ait 'em, +for they wor the last thing awr Jack made i' this world, an' aw like to +see some respect paid to him. He little thowt when he wor makkin them +'at he'd be deead wi' th' small-pox an' burrid in a wick.' Wi' this shoo +began to cry, an' as th' mourners kept leavin one bi one, ther wor sooin +nubdy left but Tommy to sympathise wi' her, an' as ivery time he sed owt +shoo shoved him another black puddin on his plate, he began to think it +time he went hooam, for if shoo kept on at that rate it wodn't tak long +to mak another burrin. In a bit he wor forced to stop, an' he sed he +thowt it wor time for him to goa; but shoo put her hand on his heead an' +luk'd daan at him soa sorrowful like, as shoo lifted daan a black bottle +aght o'th' cubbord, wol he couldn't find in his heart to leave her, soa +sittin daan they had a drop o' gin an' watter together, for shoo wanted +some to draand her sorrow, an he wanted summat to settle his stummack. +Then he began lukkin raand, an' he wor capt to find what a nice +comfortable haase shoo had, an' all th' furniture as gooid as new; and +ivery glass he tuk he fancied shoo wor better lukkin nor he'd seen her +befoor, an' as he didn't offer to leave as long as th' gin lasted, bi +th'time it wor done he thowt he'd niver seen a widder 'at suited him as +weel, an' as he wanted a wife he couldn't help thinkin 'at he mud do wor +nor try to find room thear to hing his hat up. + +He knew at shoo wor varry nicely off an' could affoord to live withaat +th' sausage shop, an' although shoo wor big enuff to mak two sich chaps +as him, he didn't think that wor onny objection. + +He niver knew exactly ha he gate hooam that neet, but he went to bed an' +dreamt 'at he wor riding in a hearse to get wed to th' widder, an' th' +trees on booath sides o'th' road wor hung wi' garlands o' black pudding. + +Two months had passed, an' Tommy hadn't let his sympathy stop wi' th' +funeral, but used to call regularly once a wick to see her, an' allus +went to the same chapel ov a Sunday, an' tuk care to dress all i' black, +an' had a black band raand his hat, which coom in varry weel to cover up +th' grease spots; an' one neet as they wor gooin hooam together, he +screwed up his courage an' ax'd her if shoo didn't think, as shoo wor +soa lonely, an' he wor lonely too 'at they'd better join? + +'Tha'rt to lat,' shoo sed, 'for aw joined long sin, an' wor made a +member directly after aw burrid awr poor Jack.' + +'But that isn't what aw mean,' sed Tommy, 'aw mean, hadn't we better +join an' get wed, for awm sure we could get on varry nicely together.' + +'Well, aw think we can get on varry nicely separate,' shoo sed, 'but +anyway, if iver aw do get wed agean it'll have to be a member o'th' +chapel; for awr Jack, deead an' gooan as he is, an' ther wor niver a +better chap teed to a woman nor he wor, yet he had his faults, an' he +knew a deeal moor abaat sausages an' puddins nor he knew abaat sarmons +an' prayers, an' he'd rayther ha gooan to a dog feight nor a deacons' +meetin ony day, an' as he left me varry nicely provided for, though +aw've nubdy to thank for that but misen, aw can affoord to wait wol aw +get suited.' + +'Well, Hannah Maria,' he sed, 'but suppoas aw wor a deacon do yo think +aw should suit?' + +'That aw connot tell,' shoo sed, 'but if tha iver gets to be a deacon +tha can ax me then.' + +Soa Tommy bade her gooid neet; an' nah he wor detarmined to be a deacon +come what wod. + +Next Sunday he joined th' Sunday Schooil as a taicher, tho' he knew noa +moor abaat taichin nor th' powl 'at hung o' th' aghtside ov his shop +door. Then he tuk a sittin in a pew reight anent th' parson, tho' he had +to pay well for it, an' when they made a collection, which wor pratty +oft, an' th' chaps used to goa raand wi' th' box allus when they wor +singin th' last hymn, he used to be soa takken up wi' th' singin wol th' +chap had to nudge him two or three times; then he'd throw daan his book +an' fidget in his pocket as if he'd forgetten all abaat it, an' bring +aght sixpenoth ov hawpneys, an' put 'em in wi' sich a rattle wol ivery +body'd knew 'at he'd gien summat. + +He wor allus th' furst in his seeat an' one o'th' last to leeav, an' +ivery Sunday he managed to have summat to say awther to th' parson or +one o'th' deacon's, wol befoor he'd been thear a month he'd getten to be +quite a nooated chap. + +Wheniver one o'th' congregation called in to get shaved, they allus +faand him readin th' Evangelical Magazine, or else repooarts o'th' +Liberation Society, an' it worn't long befoor sombdy tell'd him in a +saycret 'at he wor baan to be propoased for a deacon. He tried to luk as +if he cared nowt abaat it, but as sooin as the chap went aght, he flang +his lather brush under th' table, threw his razor an' white appron into +a corner, upset his lather box on to th' Evangelical, an' ran up stairs +two steps at a time, an' seized a bottle off th' shelf, an' sayin, +'Here's to th' deacon!' swallowed hauf a pint o' neat, an' what else he +might ha done aw dooant know if he hadn't ommost brokken his neck wi' +tryin to turn a summerset. + +This browt him to his senses a bit, an' then he sat daan to reckon up ha +mich a wick he'd have comin in when he'd getten wed to th' widder. + +Nah aw hardly like to say it, but it's true, Tommy wor rayther fond ov a +drop o' summat strong, but he niver let monny fowk see him tak it after +he'd joined th' chapel. But he had just one confidential friend, an' he +allus tell'd him iverything, an' ov coarse he'd let him know all abaat +th' widder, an' being made a deacon; soa he sent for him, an' they'd a +fine time on it that neet, for they shut up th' shop an' gate as full as +they could carry, an' just as they wor gooin to pairt, a letter coom to +tell Tommy 'at he'd to be voted for as a deacon after th' Thursday's +meetin; an' as that day wor Tuesday they hadn't long to wait, soa they +detarmined to have another glass or two on th' heead on it, an' they +kept it up soa long wol at last they both fell asleep. + +When they wakkened it wor broad dayleet, an' they felt rayther seedy; +soa they agreed to separate, an' Tommy made his friend promise to be +sure to call on him to tak him to th' meetin. + +Alick promised, an' then left him. Nah Alick wor a man ov his word, soa +he decided net to goa hooam for fear o' forgettin, but he hadn't been +sat long i'th' 'Tattered Rag Tap,' befoor he fell asleep' 'When he +wakken'd it wor cloise on six o' clock, an' th' furst thowt 'at struck +him wor 'at that wor th' time for th' meetin;--for he didn't think 'at +it worn't wol the day after; soa swallowin daan another stiff glass o' +rum, he set off to fotch Tommy. + +When he gate thear he saw Tommy sittin nursin his heead an' lukkin as +sanctimonious as if he'd niver done owt wrang in his life. + +'Come on!' he sed, 'if tha doesn't luk sharp tha'll be to lat!' + +'What does ta mean, Alick,' he sed, 'th' meetin isn't till to morn at +neet.' + +'Aw tell thi it's to neet, an' it's time tha wor thear nah. Aw promised +tha should be i' time an' tha'll ha to goa.' + +'Aw tell th' meetin isn't wol Thursday!' + +'Well, this is Thursday.' + +'Tha'rt drunk, Alick; tha doesn't know what tha'rt talking abaat.' + +Alick wor just drunk enuff to have his own rooad, an' wodn't listen to +reason, soa he says, 'Awl let thi see who it is 'at's druffen! Awl +awther ha thee made a deacon or a deead en afoor tha gooas to bed to +neet!' an' sayin soa, he seized hold on him, an' tuckin him under his +arm as if he'd been a umbereller he started off aght o' door. Tommy +begged an' prayed, an' kicked an' fittered, but all to noa use. Alick +wor three times as big as him, an' held him like a vice. + +Just as they'd getten into th' street they met all th' miln fowk, an' as +they wor booath weel known, fowk laffed rarely, for they thowt it a +gooid spree. Th' rooads wor varry mucky an' sloppy, an' as Alick worn't +varry steady on his pins they hadn't gooan far befoor they wor booath +rollin i'th' sludge, but Alick niver left goa; he scramel'd up, an' off +agean, an' wor varry sooin at th' chapel door. Th' only consolation 'at +poor Tommy had wor thinkin 'at th' chapel wodn't be oppen, an' then +Alick wod find aght his mistak; but it unfortunately happened' at ther +wor a meetin that neet i'th vestry abaat establishing a Band o' Hope, +soa th' chapel doors wor oppen. Alick rushed in wi' poor Tommy, moor +deead nor alive. Th' noise they made sooin browt all th' fowk aght o'th' +vestry, an' th' parson coom fussin to see what wor to do, an' as ther +wor nobbut one or two leets i'th' chapel bottom, an' nooan up stairs, he +could hardly see what it all meant. Just then Alick let goa, an' Tommy +flew up stairs like a shot, hooapin 'at as it wor ommost dark he'd be +able to find his way aghtside befoor he wor seen. + +Alick luk'd varry solid an' tried to balance hissen by holdin to one +o'th' gas fixtures. + +'What's the meaning of this?' sed th' parson. + +'Please yor reverence, hic,--aw've browt yo th' new deacon, hic,--an' a +d---l ov a job aw've had to mak him come, but awm a man o' mi word, an' +aw promised he should bi here i' time, an' aw'd ha browt him if aw'd had +to being him in his coffin. That's th' sooart ov chap aw am old cock!' + +Bi this time all th' fowk wor gethered raand, an' th' parson luk'd throo +one to another, to see if they could explain matters, but they wor all +fast amang it. + +Alick wor standin lukkin raand in a sackless sooart ov a way, when all +at once he spied th' widder amang 'em, soa ponitin her aght he sed, +'Jack's widder thear can tell yo all abaat it, it's been made up between +them two, an' a varry gooid pair they'll mak, an' if he cannot shave +her, shoo'll be able to lather him. Tha knows awm a man o' mi word, +Hannah Maria, an' aw sed aw'd bring him.' + +All th' nooatice th' widder tuk wor to shak her neive in his face, an' +as they all could see ha drunk Alick wor, they left him standin wol they +locked all th' doors an' prepared to have a hunt for th' chap 'at had +run up stairs. But Tommy wor detarmined net to be catched if he could +help' it, an' a fine race he led' em, for he flew ovver th' pews like a +cat, an' as th' door-keeper, an' pew oppener, an' th' parson ran after +him, th' wimmen kept gettin into ther rooad, an' ovver they tummeld +knockin th' cannels aght as they fell, an' of all th' skrikin an' +screamin yo iver heeard, it licked all. + +Alick wor bi hissen daan stairs, an' wor feelin rayther misty amahg it, +but when he heard all th' noise he bethowt him 'at it must be a pairt +o'th' ceremony, an' he began to feel excited. + +'Keep it up owd lad! Gooid lad Tommy! Thar't a cock burd! By gow I tha +niver should ha been a barber! Two hauf-craans to one on th' little en!' + +But they catched him at last; an' as they didn't know who it wor, an' he +wor soa covered wi' muck an dust wol it wor hard to tell, they browt him +daan stairs whear ther wor a better leet. + +When th' parson saw who it wor he could hardly believe his een, an' all +t' others put ther hands as if they thowt th' roof worn't safe. + +'Thomas,' sed th' parson solemnly, 'I'm sorry to see thou hast fallen. +Thy race here is run.' + +'Well, he ran weel didn't he?' sed Alick. Ther wor moor nor him fell i' +that race, or else ther wor a deeal o' skrikin for nowt. But it just +suits me, aw wodn't ha missed it for a shillin! aw wor niver at th' +makkin ov a deacon afoor, it's three times as mich fun as makkin a free +mason.' + +Tommy tried to spaik, but he wor soa aght o' wind wol he couldn't say a +word, an' as sooin as th' doors wor oppened he made a bolt for hooam. +Alick follerd him, but fan th' door locked, soa he went hooam too. + +Next mornin, nawt her on 'em could exactly tell what had happened th' +neet afoor, but Alick went to pay Tommy a visit. What wor sed aw dooant +know, but they tell me 'at Alick's shaved hissen iver sin, for he +doesn't seem to like th' idea o' Tommy bein soa varry near him wi' a +razor. + +Ov course Tommy worn't made a deacon, an' what wor war nor all he lost +th' widder into th' bargain. + +They did try to get him to join th' Good Templars; an' Alick sed if he +wanted to be a member he'd promise to see' at he wor thear i' time if he +had to sit up another neet for it; 'an tha knows awm a man o' mi word, +doesn't ta, Tommy?' + +But someha or other Tommy seems content to stop as he is, but if yo +should iver give him a call, aw wodn't advise yo to say owt abaat him +bein made deacon, for th' thowts on it seems to be like th' black +pudding he had at th' burrin drinkin,--varry heavy on his stummack, an' +all th' gin an' watter he's been able to get has niver swilled it daan. + +Hannah Maria's getten wed agean; shoo wor as gooid as her word.--shoo +wed a local praicher; but as his labours didn't seem to profit him mich, +he left th' connexion, an' wi' Hannah Maria's bit o' brass he bowt th' +valiation o'th 'Purrin Pussycat' public haase, an' shoo tends th' bar +wi' as mich red ribbon flyin raand her heead as ud mak reins for a +six-horse team. Tommy called once, but when he saw th' picture frame 'at +he'd taen soa mich pains wi' for Jack's funeral card hung up wi' a +ticket in it sayin 'prime pop,' he supt up his rum an' walked +sorrowfully aght, withaat payin for it, an' he's niver been seen thear +sin. + + + + +One Amang th' Rest. + + +I cannot say that the birth of Sally Green was heralded with many joyful +anticipations. Her father was one of those unfortunate men who have +never had any trade taught to them, and his income, always small, was +also very precarious. One day you might find him distributing circulars, +another, acting as porter; at times he got a stray job as gardener, and +was always willing to undertake almost any thing by which to earn an +honest penny. His wife had for many years been a sickly woman, yet she +was fruitful, as was proved by the six children who with laughter or +tears, as the case might be, welcomed their father home. + +"Old Tip," as he was familiarly called both at home and abroad, was +sitting opposite the fire, smoking an old clay pipe, when the news was +brought that little Sally was born, and both mother and babe were doing +well. He answered simply, "Ho!" "An' is that all tha has to say when +tha's getten another dowter, an' one o' th' grandest childer aw think' +at wor iver born?" + +"Well, what am aw to say? It's all reight, isn't it? Shoo'll be one +amang th' rest." + +Although Tip appeared to treat the event with such indifference, yet his +mind was ill at ease, for he well knew that his scanty means had barely +sufficed to find food for those dependent upon him before time, and an +additional mouth to provide for was by no means a thing to be desired. + +There is an old saying, that God never sends a mouth without sending +something to put in it, and that is very true, but it is just possible +that the food sent to put in it is appropriated to some other mouth, +that has already got above its share. If this was not so, we should be +spared the pain of reading the heartrending accounts that are so +frequently brought under our notice of people being "starved to death." + +It is not my intention to detail all the little incidents connected with +Sally's early years; suffice it to say that she was dragged up somehow, +along with her brothers and sisters, who as they got older and able to +work and earn a wage sufficient to support themselves, left one by one +to depend upon their own exertions, but never once giving a thought to +the debt of gratitude they owed to those, who had laboured so long, and +endured so many troubles for their sakes. + +In time Sally was old enough to be put to some business, and as she had +all along been of a weaker constitution than her sisters, it was deemed +advisable to select some occupation for her of a lighter description. +Accordingly she soon found herself placed with a shopkeeper in the town, +to learn the mysteries of concocting bonnets, caps, &c. The money she +received at the commencement was very little, but doubtless was a just +equivalent for her labours; but her parents, whose income had decreased +with their increasing years, had often to suffer privations, in order to +dress Sally as became her position. Sally was naturally quick of +apprehension, and the old folks' hearts were often cheered by the +reports of her advancement. + +"It maks me thankful monny a time i'th' day, Tip, to think ha Sally taks +to her wark; an' tha sees shoo's soa steady an' niver braiks ony time, +an' aw connot help thinkin, 'at may be, shoo'll net only be a comfort to +us in old age, but a varry gurt help." + +"Shoo's steady enough," said Tip, "but aw dooant think its wise to build +ony castles i'th' air abaat her helpin us mich. Th' kitten seldom brings +th' old cat a maase. Nooan o' th' brothers has iver done owt for +us,--net 'at aw want owt, net aw; but aw know 'at we've had to do a +deeal for them, an' it luks rayther hard, at they should niver think +abaat payin a trifle back; an' awm feeared Sally 'll be one amang th' +rest." + +"Happen net. Tha wor allus fond o' lukkin o'th' dark side." + +"Aw may weel be fond o' lukkin at it, for awve seen varry little o'th' +breet en." + +Sally continued to progress, and her employer was not slow to recognize +her abilities and increase her wages in proportion. She often indulged +in dreams of what she would do for her parents, as soon as she was able, +but as yet her own wants were so very pressing, that it took all her +money to satisfy them. She saw and admired her fellow-workers, as they +entered or left the place of business, dressed in such clothes as she +had never had, and such as it must be some time before she could hope to +obtain. But she clung to the hope that the time would come, and she +strained every nerve to hasten its approach. Though by no means vain, +yet it was quite evident, Sally was aware she was as much her +companions' superior, in personal attractions, as they were her +superiors in point of dress, and it is to be feared, that there were +times when she consulted her mirror with exultation, and painted in her +imagination pictures how she could outshine them all when the time came. + +By degrees almost imperceptible, crept in a dislike to her home;--not to +those who owned it, far from it. To her parents she was still loving and +dutiful, but she began to conceive that her own attempts to improve her +appearance, her manner of speaking, and her general carriage, were +strangely at variance with her humble home and its belongings. Happily, +those precepts most potent to restrain any waywardness or wickedness, +had been early instilled into her by her mother, whose quiet christian +life had been her daily example. Her religion was pure and simple, and +she never failed to impress upon Sally the happiness to be derived from +an adherence to the truth, and a faith in the goodness of God. + +Years rolled on, and the slightly built girl was developed into the +beautiful woman. She occupied the second position in the work-room, and +her love of dress she was enabled to gratify to its full extent. Many a +young man lingered about the door of the shop at night, in hopes of +catching a smile or some mark of encouragement, but Sally's heart was +free, respectful to all, but showing partiality to none, she passed on +scathless through many temptations that might have proved too strong for +many older than herself. + +One night a strange event occurred. As she was hurrying home, and had +arrived within a few yards of the door, she stumbled over some object in +her path, and it was with much difficulty she succeeded in saving +herself from an awkward fall. It was too dark to see what the object +was, but she ran into the house, acquainted her parents with the event, +and accompanied by them bearing a light she returned to see what the +obstacle was. Across the pavement was laid a young man, about her own +age, in a helpless, perhaps a dying state. + +"Poor thing! what's th' matter wi' him?" sed her mother; "Tip, lift him +up an' hug him in th' haase, an' see what's to do! He's somebody's poor +lad." + +Tip was not quite so strong as he had been, but he was yet strong enough +for the emergency: and lifting up the slim young man, he bore him into +the house and laid him on the longsettle. + +"What does ta think is th' matter wi' him?" asked the mother; "Is he +hurt?" + +"Noa." + +"Why, has he had a fit thinks ta?" + +"Aw think he has, an' it'll be some time befoor he comes aat on it, for +its a druffen fit." + +"A'a, tha doesn't say soa, Tip! does ta?" "Its ten thaasand pities to +see him i' that state!" + +Sally approached him half in fear and half in anxiety, and after +scanning his features, which in spite of the dirt and the drink were yet +handsome, she turned to her father and asked, "What shall we do with +him?" + +"We shall be like to tak care on him, lass, wol he sleeps it off aw +expect, for we connot turn him aat, an' if we did th' police wod lock +him up. Awve suffered a deeal i' mi lifetime wi' my lads, but awve niver +seen one on 'em i' that state, an' awd rayther follow 'em to th' grave +nor iver do it." + +For hours they sat beside the sleeping man, and when it was far past +their usual time of retiring to rest, they looked at each other, mutely +asking what would be best to do. + +"Father and mother," said Sally, "it is time you went to bed; I know you +cannot bear to miss your accustomed rest. I will watch by this young man +until he awakes, and so soon as he is fit to leave the house he shall do +so, and then I can get an hour's sleep before the shop opens in the +morning; I do not think he will sleep long now." + +The old couple did not like to leave her sitting up, but seeing no +reason why they too should watch, they left her with their blessing and +retired to rest. + +The light from the candle fell full on the face of the sleeper, and +although Sally often tried to read one of her favourite books, yet as +oft she found her eyes rivetted upon the countenance of the man before +her. At times he moaned as though in pain; again he smiled a sweet, +sweet smile so innocent and childlike, as if no care had ever crossed +his path; then a deep, deep sigh heaved his breast, as though all hope +had died within it. Sally leaned over him, and tears rolled down her +cheeks as she gazed on him, and with her hand she gently parted his +curly locks, exposing a brow that rivalled her own for whiteness. She +was thus occupied when his eyes slowly opened, and she started back. He +looked around him with a listlessness that showed the stupor had not yet +worn off. Presently he aroused himself, and in a husky voice asked, +"Where am I?" + +"You are in the house of those who have endeavoured to befriend you," +she replied; "you are quite safe, perhaps you had better try to sleep +again." + +"No! sleep! no! Let me have something to drink I Bring me some beer, I'm +choaking." + +"That I cannot do, and would not if I could; but here is some tea made +nice and warm, that will do you much more good." And as she said this +she handed him the jug. + +He took it from her, with a half-amused, half-astonished expression on +his face, and drank the contents at a draught. "There, there!" he +muttered and reseated himself. + +He looked for a short time at Sally, as she sat opposite him, but there +was such an air of dignity, mingled with compassion, imprinted on her +face, that it was only after one or two ineffectual attempts that he +could articulate another word. At length he said, "Will you kindly tell +me, miss, where I am and how I came here?" + +"You are in my father's house in--------street, and he carried you here. +I stumbled over something on my way home, and on going back with my +parents, we found you laid helpless on the pavement. They have gone to +bed, and I am waiting until you feel able to resume your walk home." + +"It must have been quite evident to you that I was in liquor, and I must +have caused you great inconvenience. I did not think there was a person +in the world who would have taken so much trouble on my behalf, but I +am glad to say that I am in a position to pay for it, and you are at +liberty to help yourself," saying which, he threw a wellfilled purse +upon the table. + +"I beg that you will replace the purse in your pocket, sir. To any +kindness you have received you are welcome, and you would only insult my +parents by offering to pay." + +"Not a very enviable looking home," he muttered, "but it seems pride can +dwell in a cottage." "Just pride can dwell in the cottage as well as in +the mansion I hope," she replied, rising to open the door. "The morning +is cold yet fine," she said, "and as you are, doubtless, expected home, +it may be advisable not to delay your departure." + +"I will act upon your hint," he said, "but I have one favour yet to ask, +Will you grant it?" + +"That depends upon the nature of it." + +"It is that I may be allowed to call here again, to express the +gratitude I feel for the kind manner in which you have acted towards me. +At present I am not in a fit state to do so. Will you grant me that +privilege?" + +"We do not seek for your thanks, sir, you are a perfect stranger to us, +and we have but done that, which we felt it our duty to do, but if it +will afford you any pleasure, I am quite sure my father will grant your +request." + +With a hasty "good morning," he hurried off, passing through the quiet +streets as quickly as he could, still wondering how he had got into such +strange company. + +Sally sought her bed, to snatch a few hours of sleep, but all desire +seemed to have flown. She could think of nothing but the young man's +face as she had seen him as he slept. His dress and manners bespoke the +gentleman; but he had left no name, and she vainly endeavoured to +discover who he was. + +The next day brought the young man once more to the cottage door, but in +a very different state. Sally was not at home, but the old woman invited +him forward, and requested him to be seated. "Give my best thanks to +your daughter," he said, as they conversed together, "and tell her I +shall be for ever grateful to her, for she has proved as good as she is +beautiful; and she is beautiful." + +"Ther's lots o' nice young wimmen ith' world," said Tip, "an shoo's one +amang th' rest." + +After sitting for a few minutes whilst the old woman warned him of the +danger he placed himself in by giving way to such evil habits, and +having promised never again to forget himself so far, he shook hands +with the worthy couple and departed, leaving behind him a handsome sum +of money, unknown to them. + +Not long after, Sally was returning home, when she met the same young +man. The recognition was mutual, and he at once joined her and strolled +along by her side, pouring forth his thanks for her kindness, and +begging that she would not look upon him with disgust on account of the +unfavourable circumstances under which their first meeting took place. +His manners were so easy, and his conversation so entertaining, that +they reached the end of the street in which she lived, almost before she +was aware. He bade her "good night," and struck off in an opposite +direction. + +Sally's heart palpitated more quickly than usual, as she entered the +house, and for some reason, unknown even to herself, she did not +acquaint her parents with the interview. She endeavoured to occupy her +mind by busying herself with the little household affairs, but her +manner was abstracted, so feigning exhaustion she went to her room, at +an earlier hour than usual. She slept, but not that deep, quiet, +undisturbed slumber that wraps in oblivion all the senses. She dreamed +strange dreams, in which she saw strange faces, but the one face was +ever there, and in the morning she arose, feverish and unrefreshed. + + +CHAPTER II. + +Some months had elapsed since Sally's first interview with young Arthur +Grafton, (for such his name proved to be,) and during that time matters +had assumed a very different character. One or two meetings seemingly +accidental, led to an intimacy growing between them, which was not +easily to be mistaken. + +Arthur was a young man possessing great advantages, not only in personal +attractions, but as the possessor of an ample fortune. His father had +been dead many years and his mother resided in the neighbourhood of +London. No sooner, however, did Arthur attain his majority, and find +himself in such a favoured position, than he gave way to those excesses +which are generally somewhat lightly styled, youthful indiscretions. His +mother had done all that lay in her to prevail upon him to alter his +course of conduct, but he being headstrong, yet affectionate, and not +wishing to cause her pain, at the same time being disinclined to follow +her advice, left home in order to be free from all restraint. Thus it +happened that he was spending a porportion of his time in Y------. +Sally's parents were not blind to the state of their daughter's feelings +towards Arthur, but they were full of fear. Once or twice he had called +at the cottage, and they had marked the unnatural sparkle of his eye, +that told of a too great indulgence in drink. On one or two occasions he +had openly scoffed at religion, and treated as jests, things they held +to be most sacred. They often spoke to Sally and warned her, but her +usual reply was a light laugh, or an assurance that she knew what she +was doing. + +Little by little she ceased to think there was anything very wrong in a +young man becoming intoxicated, if he only did it occasionally. Her +attendance at church was not so regular, and in a short time it ceased +altogether, and she looked forward to the sabbath only as a day of +recreation, and one on which she could spend more time with him who was +day by day leading her farther from the path of duty. + +Many a friend warned her of her danger, but her whole soul had become so +wrapped up in him, that his very vices appeared as virtues, in her eyes. +Sally had not forgotten her early teachings, and many a night when all +was hushed, the still small voice of conscience whispered, 'Beware, +--Beware,' But she would not listen to it, she had set her heart upon +him, and although she could not but admit he had many faults, yet she +strove to believe that she had the power to wean him from his evil ways. + +One night the old couple and their daughter were sat by their cheerful +fire. Tip, as was his wont, smoking his pipe,--the old woman bending +over the oft consulted bible, and Sally with her elbow resting upon the +table and her head leaned upon her hand, gazing at the kitten sleeping +on the hearth, although she saw it note Arthur had failed to keep his +appointment and she was sad in consequence. A loud knock at the door +disturbed them,--Sally hastened to open it, and Arthur in a state of +wild intoxication rushed in. Even Sally shuddered and shrank from his +attempted caresses. Her mother shook her head, and looking upward seemed +to implore help from Him of whose death she had just been +reading:--whilst old Tip rose to his feet, took the pipe from his mouth, +and angrily pointed towards the door. + +Drunk as Arthur was, he comprehended his meaning, but advancing towards +him with uncertain gait, he placed a hand upon each shoulder and forced +him back into his seat, uttering a fearful oath. + +Sally strove to quiet him, and implored her father to excuse him, at the +same time begging of Arthur to leave the house. The consternation and +excitement of those about him, seemed to add fuel to the fire already +within him, and tearing the bible from the old woman's lap, he hurled it +on the fire. Tip rushed to save it, but Arthur seized the poker and +stood threatening death to any who dared to touch it. Tip, undaunted, +made another effort. The dreadful weapon fell upon his unprotected head, +and in another instant he was stretched upon the floor. The sight of +poor Tip in such a state, together with the wailing and weeping of Sally +and her mother, seemed to have the effect of sobering him a little; he +threw down the poker, opened the door, and, without a word, passed out. + + +CHAPTER III. + +A bright spring morning succeeded the night on which the commotion had +taken place in Tip's usually quiet home. He was stirring about the house +as was his custom, a bandage over his brow being the only indication of +the recent unpleasant event. The wound was not a dangerous one, and the +unceasing attention of his daughter had enabled him to rally much sooner +than might have been expected. Sally and her mother were also bustling +about. Not a word escaped from any of them in reference to what had +taken place. Old Tip looked more than usually morose, the mother, more +than usually sorrowful, and Sally's brow was contracted and her lips +compressed, and her eyes spoke of fixed determination. She dressed +herself with more than usual care, and lingered over many little things +before she bade her usual good morning; and when she closed the door she +gazed a moment at the old familiar structure, wiped the tears from her +eyes, that in spite or all she could do, would come to testify that her +heart was not so callous as she fain would make it appear; and then she +walked rapidly away--but not to her work. No! she sought the home of him +who had come like a blight on their domestic peace. She carried with her +no feeling of resentment--her heart was full of love and compassion. She +had undergone a dreadful struggle. The climax had arrived. She must +choose between her parents and her lover. It was a hard, hard task, but +it was over. House and parents, all that had been associated with her +early and happy years, sacrificed for one whose past life had brought to +her so much misery. + +She reached the door, rang the bell, and was ushered into the room in +which Arthur sat vainly endeavouring to recall the circumstances of the +preceding night. He was pleased yet astonished to see her, and they were +quickly engaged in an earnest and hurried conversation. In a few minutes +Arthur rang the bell, and gave orders for all his boxes to be packed and +conveyed to the nearest railway station. He called for his bill which he +discharged with alacrity, a hired carriage was at the door, Arthur and +Sally entered it and she returned home no more. + +The grief of her parents was very great when they knew that she had left +them, and they anxiously waited for some tidings of her whereabouts, but +no tidings came. For a time remittances of money came regularly, but +these suddenly stopped, and their only means of subsistence was gone. + +The articles of furniture were disposed of one by one, to supply the +cravings of appetite, but they were soon exhausted, and one morning saw +them placed in a cart and taken to the workhouse. They had both been +gradually sinking since Sally's flight, and it was but a short time +after the removal from their home, that the parish hearse removed them +to the last home of all flesh in this world. The fact of their ever +having existed seemed to be almost forgotten, when a painful tragedy +revived it in the minds of those who had known them. When newspapers +gave the distressing account of a young woman having leaped from London +Bridge into the river, bearing in her arms a little babe. They were +taken out quite dead, and on being searched, a piece of paper with the +following words written upon it was all that was found. + +'Let my dreadful fate be a warning to the young. I was young and +beautiful,--I became proud and ambitious,--I ceased to lend an ear to +the kind counsel of my parents,--I ceased to look upon sin with +abhorence,--I sought pleasure in iniquity,--the torments of hell can be +no worse than those I have endured, my seducer lives to make other +victims,--my babe dies with me, lest it should ever live to know its +parent's shame,--I go to meet my God,--a Murderess and a Suicide. My +only hope is in His unbounded mercy, and the intercession of His Son. +SALLY GREEN. + +Reader, does not this little story teach a moral? I think it does. Be +not proud of the personal attractions with which nature has blessed you. +Shun evil company,--obey your parents, and fear God always. Sally +Green's case is not an isolated one. There are thousands at the present +moment, who are pressing on in the same path that terminated so +dreadfully for her. Watch and pray, lest it should be your unhappy lot +to be described in old Tip's expressive words, as 'One amang th' rest.' + + + + +What's yor Hurry? + + +Ther's nowt done weel 'ud's done in a hurry, unless its catchin a flea, +aw've heeard sed, but Joa Trailer wod'nt ha believed 'at that should be +done in a hurry, for he hurried for nowt. It wor allus sed 'at he wor +born to th' tune o'th' Deead March, an suckled wi' Slowman's Soothin +Syrup. His mother declared a better child nivver lived, for he hardly +ivver cried, net even for his sops, for if he showed signs o' startin, +ther wor allus time enuff to get' em made befoor he'd getten fairly off. +He began cuttin his teeth when he wor six months old, an' he'd nobbut +getten two when his birthday coom, an' when th' old wimmen used to rub +his gums wi ther fingers he used to oppen his een an' stare at 'em as if +he wondered what they wor i' sich a hurry for. His mother wor forty-five +year old when he wor born, an' shoo anlls sed he wor born sadly too lat, +an' if that's th' case ther's noa wonder 'at he's allus behund hand, for +ther's nowt can ivver mak him hurry to mak up for lost time. + +They sent him to a schooil an' paid tuppince a wick for him, but they +mud as weel ha saved ther brass, for if they managed to get him to start +i' time, he just contrived to get thear when it wor lowsin. He nivver +leearned owt but he sed he meant to do sometime, but ther wor time enuff +yet: soa he grew up to be a big ovvergrown ignoramus, an' his mother +could'nt tell what to do wi him. Shoo put him 'prentice to a cobbler, +but his maister sent him hooam when he'd been thear a month, for he sed +he'd been tryin to spetch a pair o' child's clogs ivver sin he went, an' +'at th' rate he wor gettin on wi 'em he'd have' em thrown on his hands, +for th' child ud be grown up befoor they wor finished. + +"What am aw to do wi' thi," sed his mother, "aw can't afford to keep thi +to laik?" + +"Wait a bit," he said, "'an give a chap a chonce. Yor i' sich a hurry +abaat iverything. Rome worn't built in a day." + +"Noa, an' if it had depended o' sich as thee it nivver wod ha been +built, awm thinkin!" + +One day, as he wor sittin on a stoop at th' loin end, a chap com ridin +up to him, an' ax'd him if he'd hold his horse for him a minit or two. +"Eea," he said, "tak for time a bit an awl hold it." + +It tuk him some time to sydle up an tak hold o'th' reins, an then th' +chap left him, tellin him whativver else to stand thear an' net run away +wi' it. + +"Awst nooan run far," he sed, an' in abaat ten minits he laft all over +his face at th' idea o' sich a thing. It wor a varry quiet horse, an' +Joa thowt 'at he'd getten th' reight seoart ov a job at last, an' When +th' chap coom back he gave him a shillin. If he'd been slow i' other +things, he had'nt been vany slow i' leearnin th' vally o' brass, an' as +it wor th' furst time he'd ivver had a shillin he wor soa excited 'at he +started off hooam at a jog trot, an' th' fowk 'at knew him wor soa capt +wol they could'nt tell what to mak on it, but they thowt he must be +havin' a race wi' some sooapsuds at wor runnin daan th' gutter; but that +wornt it, for he'd getten a noashun at noa trade ud suit him as weel as +fishin, for he could tak his own time wi' that, an' he felt sewer he'd +be lucky, for if they wor'nt inclined to nibble he'd caar thear wol +they'd be glad to bite to get shut on him; an' he'd seen a fishin rod to +sell for a shillin, soa he thowt he'd goa hooam an' as sooin as he'd +getten his dinner he'd buy it. + +When he gate in, his mother said, "Whear's ta been, an' whativer is ther +to do 'at maks thi come in puffin an' blowin like that?" + +"Aw've been to th' end o'th' loin," he sed, "an' wol aw wor thear a chap +coom an' ax'd me to hold his horse for him, an' he's glen me a shillin." + +"Well, tha's been sharp for once, an' awm fain to see it, for its a +comfort to know at owt can stir thi. Gie me' that shillin, its just come +i' time, for aw wor at my wits end what to do for a bit o' dinner, an' +that'll just come in to get a bit o' summat." + +Joa pottered it aght, an' as shoo took' it shoo sed, "Nah, tha sees what +it is to be sharp.--Tha's done rarely this' mornin." + +"Eea, aw see what it is to be sharp, an' if ivver yo catch me sharp +agean yo may call me sharp, for if aw had'nt run hooam 'fit to braik me +neck aw should ha had that shillin.--But it sarves me reight to loise it +for bein i' sich a hurry." + +He wor as gooid as his word, an' he's nivver been known to hurry sin. + +When he gate to be a man he fancied he wor i' love wi' a young woman 'at +lived claise to his mother's,--one at wor just as queer a karacter as +hissen, wi this difference, shoo could haddle her own livin wi weshin. + +He tell'd his mother 'at he meant to ax her to have him somday, an' shoo +sed shoo wor feeared he'd think abaat it wol they'd be booath too old; +but he did'nt, for he met her one day an' he ax'd her if shoo'd nivver +thowt o' sich a thing? + +"Nay," shoo sed, "sich a thowt's nivver entered mi heead, an' if it had +aw should nivver ha' thawt o' thee,--but awm i' noa hurry to get wed." + +"Noa moor am aw," he sed, "but aw thawt awd mention it, an' tha can tak +thi own time,--all aw want to know is, if tha'll have me when tha's made +up thi mind?" + +"Tha'd suit me weel enuff Joa, if tha'd owt to do, but aw can't wesh to +keep misen an' have thee sittin o' th' harstun for a ornament, thar't +hardly gooid lukkin enuff for that;--if tha'll stir thisen an' get some +wark awl tawk to thi." + +Soa Joa left her to consider on it, an' he determined to try if he +could'nt find summat to do. As he wor creepin on a chap ovvertuk him an +says, "What are ta up to nah, Joa?" + +"Awm seekin wark!" + +"Why, if tha keeps on at that speed awm feeard tha'll nivver find ony, +for if it wur anent thi tha could'nt ovvertak it. + +"Awm nooan tryin to ovvertak it,--but tha sees if ther's ony comin +behund it'll have a chonce o' overtakkin me, an' if aw wor go in faster +it might think aw wor tryin to get aght o'th' way on it: an' whativer +fowk may say, awm net one o' them 'ats feeard o' wark, for aw nivver put +misen aght oth' way to shirk owt yet." + +"Noa, nor to seek owt nawther; but aw heeard ov a job this mornin at'll +just suit thi." + +"What wor it?" + +"Old Rodger wants a chap to drive his heears, an' its just the job for +thee, for th' horse knows th' way to th' Cemetary, an' tha'll have nowt +to do but sit o'th box. Tha'd better see after it." + +"Aw think aw will sometime this afternooin," he sed, "aw could just +manage that sooart o' wark." + +"Tha'd better goa nah if tha meeans to luk after it, or tha may be too +lat,--but gooid mornin, aw hav'nt time to stand here ony longer." + +"Aw doant know whether to believe him or net," he sed, "for aw think +he's nooan reight in his heead, or he'd nivver ha' spokken abaat +standin' here when we've been walkin' all th' time. But ther can be noa +harm i' gooin to see after it, an' if aw get it, Abergil can have noa +excuse for refusin' me." + +It tuk him a long time to get to Rodger's tho' it wor'nt aboon hauf a +mile, an' when he tell'd what he'd come for, Rodger lukt at him an' sed +"Well, tha'll do varry weel as far as thi face an' figger's consarned, +for tha luks as solid as a tombstun, but if aw gie thi th' job tha mun +promise to drive as a'w tell thi, for aw seckt th' last chap aw had +becoss he wod drive ta fast when he wor aght o' mi seet; an' tha knows +ther's nowt luks wor nor a gallopin funeral, an' aw want somdyaw can +trust." + +"Yo, can trust me, an if yo'll gie me th' job aw warrant awl, drive just +as slow as yo want. But what's th'wage?" + +"Ten shillin a wick, an' tha'll have as mich curran cake an' warm ale as +tha can teim into thi, an' thi clooas all fun for nowt." + +"Awl tak it, an' yo can let me know when awm to start." + +"Tha'l have to start to-day, for old. Nancy has to be buried this +afternooin, soa tha can stop an' have a bit o' dinner an' wesh thi face, +an' put on thi black clooas an' start off." + +"Awm nooan in a hurry to start, but if yo'd rayther I did, why, ov +coorse awl do as yo say." Soa he did as he wor ordered, an' in a varry +short time Rodger gate him all ready an' th' heears browt aght, an' they +booath gate onto th' box, an' Rodger set off to th' haase drivin varry +slowly. "Nah," he said, "tha mun watch me ha aw drive, an' tha mun drive +th' same way, or slower if owt. Aw know tha'rt nooan fonda' fussin +thisen, an' aw dooant want thi to hurry th' horse." + +"Awl hurry nowt," he sed. When they gate to th' haase Rodger waited wal +he saw all ready and then he left him. Ther wor noa danger o' anybody +gettin that horse to goa at maar nor three miles i'th' haar, for it wor +booath laim an' blind, an' seem'd varry mich inclined to drop on its +knees at ivvery step. It started off at snail pace, but even that wor +too mich for Joa. + +"Wo, gently!" he sed, an' it stood stock still. + +"When are ta gooin to start?" sed one o'th' mourners, "if tha does'nt +mind we'st be too lat to get into th' Cemetary." + +"Thee mind thi' own business,--aw've getten mi orders." + +"Tha'll have to hurry up or else we'st be to lat aw tell thi! We're all +stall'd o' waitin!" + +"Its nooan thee at we're baan to bury or tha wodn't be i' sich a hurry. +Awst tak noa orders nobbut throo Rodger or Nancy, soa tha can shut up." + +Th' old horse started off agean, an' at last they gate to th' far end, +but it wor ommost dark, an' when they'd taen th' coffin aght o'th' +heears he drew up to one side to wait wol th' ceremony wor ovver, an' +when th' fowk caom throo th' grave side Joa wor fast asleep, an' th' +horse too, soa they left' em whear they wor an' went hooam. + +Some chaps i'th' village gate to hear abaat Joa's drivin an' fallin +asleep, soa they thowt they'd have a bit ov a marlock on, an abaat a +duzzen on' em went to th' Cemetary gates, an tho' it wor dark they faand +th' heears an' th' horse just as it had been drawn up, and Joa fast +asleep. One on 'em at had an old white hat changed it varry gently for +Joa's black 'en, an' then they hid thersen at tother side o'th' wall. +One on 'em set up a whistle at wakkened Joa, an' as sooin as he began to +rub his een an' wonder whear he wor, they begun singin th' Old Hundred. +"Bith' heart!" he said, "they tell'd me at tha'd a varry hard deeath +Nancy, an' it seems tha'rt having a varry hard burrin. Aw declare awve +been asleep, an' its as dark as a booit. Awm hauf starved stiff wi +caarin here, but aw should think they'll nooan be long nah, for they +sewerly dooant mean to stop thear singin all th' neet." Th' chaps waited +vary still for a while wol he began grumblin agean. "Aw dooant see ony +use i'me caarin here ony longer. Ther'll nubdy want to ride inside. Aw +may as weel be off hooam." Just then th' chaps sang another verse, an' +he thowt he'd better stop a bit longer, soa he put up his coit collar to +keep th' wind aght of his neck, an' wor sooin fast asleep agean. As +sooin as they fun it aght they varry quitely tuk th' horse aght o'th' +shafts an' turned it into a field cloise by, an' lifted th' gate off th' +hinges an' propt it up between th' shafts asteead o'th' horse, an' hung +th' harness ovver it; then they teed th' appron strings fast soa as he +could'nt get off his seeat, an' waited wol he wakkened agean. They +hadn't long to wait before he gave a gape or two, an' then he sed, "Awm +nooan baan to caar here ony longer! Aw nobbut agreed to come to th' +burrin, aw didn't bargain to stop wol they lettered th' gravestooan! Gee +up!" An' he started floggin th' horse for owt he knew, but it nivver +stirred. "Ger on wi' thi! or else awl bury thee an' all!" an' he slashed +away wi' th' whip, but th' heears nivver moved. Next he tried to get +daan to see if he could leead it, but he couldn't lause th' appron at +wor across his legs, soa he had to creep aght as he could an' climb onto +th' top, an' as th' top wor smooth an' polished he slipt off, an' sat +daan ith' middle o'th' rooad wi' sich a bang at if he worn't wakkened +befoor ther wor noa fear on him bein' asleep after that. + +"Tha'rt a bigger fooil nor aw tuk thi for Joa," he said to hissen, as he +sam'd hissen up, "aw thowt tha'd sense enuff to tak thi time an' net +come off th' top ov a thing like that i' sich a hurry. It ommost knockt +th' wind aght o' me, an' if aw dooant knock th' wind aght o' that horse +awl see." It wor nobbut leet enuff to see th' glimmer oth' harness, tho' +th' mooin wor just risin, an' he laid his whip on wi' a vengence, but as +it did'nt offer to stir he went up to it. "What's th' matter wi' thi?" +an' he put aght his hand to find it. "Well, awl be shot! Tha worn't mich +when we set off, but tha seems to ha gooan to nowt! Aw could caant thi +ribs befoor, but aw can feel 'em nah. Ther's nowt left but a skeleton!" + +Th' meoin began to show a bit breeter, an' after grooapin abaat for a +while he sed, "It strikes me it isn't a horse at all. Ther's somdy been +playin me a trick. Awm nooan mich ov a driver at th' best hand, an' awd +as mich as aw could manage to drive comin, but awm blest if aw can drive +a five barr'd gate goo in back! Awm fast what to do wi' this lot." + +"Why, what's th' matter, Joa?" sed one o'th' chaps, comin' up as if he +knew nowt abaat it. "What are ta dooin wi' th' heears here at this time +o' neet?" + +"That's what aw want to know," he sed, an' he tell'd him all he knew +abaat it. + +"Well, th' horse can't be far off," th' chap sed, "they'd nivver tak th' +horse, for it isn't worth stailin. It'll be i' one o' theas fields sewer +enuff. We can find it bi mooin leet." + +Joa an him went to seek it, an' as he knew just whear to find it they +had'nt long to luk. As sooin as ther backs wor turned, tother chaps +oppened th' heears an' filled it wi' th' biggest topstooans off th' wall +'at they could lift, an' when it wor fairly looadened they shut it up +agean, an' left it as if it had nivver been touched. + +Joa an' his friend coom back wi' th' horse, an' had it harnessed up all +right, but altho' it tugged an' pooled as hard as it could, it did'nt +stir th' heears. + +"Its studden soa long wol aw think it must ha' takken rooit," sed Joa. + +"O, nay, its nobbut settled a bit wi' th' graand bein soft. It'll goa +reight enuff when it gets off. Tak hold o' one o'th' wheels an' let's +give it a start." + +Th' old horse pooled its hardest, an' wi' th' help they gave at th' +wheels they set it movin, an' as sooin as th' chap saw that, he bid Joa +geoid neet an' left him, tellin him at if it stuck fast he mud get +behund an' thrust a bit. It hadn't gooan monny yards when Joa saw he mud +awther thrust or stop thear all th' neet, an' altho' th' rate they wor +gooin at wor slow enuff to suit even one a' Joa's disposition, yet th' +sweeat rolled off him, for he'd quite as mich to do as th' horse. Once +or twice he stopt to consider whether he hadn't better tak th' horse +aght an' get into th' shafts hissen. + +Abaat two o'clock i'th' mornin they gate back hooam, an' old Rodger wor +waitin for him in a ragin temper, an' when he saw his favorite horse, +"Old Pickle," blowin an' steamin as if it had just come aght ov a mash +tub, an' Joa wi' a white hat on, he wor sewer he'd been on th' spree. He +didn't give him a chance to spaik, but set to an' called him ivverything +he could lig his tongue to Joa tried to explain matters, but it wor noa +use. + +"Its th' last time tha'll ivver drive for me! Tha's been ommost twelve +haars away!" + +"Why, yo sed aw hadn't to hurry,--but if my drivin doesn't suit yo, yo +can drive yorsen, an' welcome; for that horse o' yor's wants huggin, net +drivin,--yo did reight to call it 'Old Pickle,' for its getten me into a +bonny pickle!" + +"An what are ta dooin wi' that white hat? An' whears th' hat aw lent +thi?" + +"This is th' hat yo lent me, for aw've nivver touched it sin aw set off, +an' if its changed color aw can't help it--if it weant do for a burrin +it'll do for a weddin." + +"Dooant tell me nooan o' thi lies! Awm ommast fit to give thi a gooid +hidin whear tha stands!" + +"Yo'd better think twice abaat that!" + +"Aw will'nt think once," he sed, an' made a rush at him but Joa held his +fist aght, an' Rodger ran agean it wi' sich a force wol he flew back an' +messured his whole length ith' street. + +"What's th' meanin o' that," he sed, as he sam'd hissen up,--"Isn't it +enuff, thinks ta, to goa on th' spree an' ommost kill a horse, but tha +mun come an' start o' illusin me? But awl mak thi smart for this as +sewer as my name is what it is!" + +"Aw nivver touched yo," sed Joa, "all aw did wor to hold mi' neive aght; +an' if yo had'nt run agean it i' sich a hurry it wod'nt ha harmed yo." + +"Awl let thi see whether it wod'nt or net! Goa into th' haase an' change +them clooas, an' nivver let mi' see thi face agean!" + +Joa wor as anxious to change his clooas an' get off hooam as Rodger wor +to be shut on him, for his shirt wor wet throo wi' sweeatin, an' his +shoulder had th' skin off wi' thrustin, to say nowt abaat th' knocks +he'd getten when he tummeld off th' heears. He didn't loise any time, +an' when he coom back Rodger had just oppened th' heears an' fun all th' +stooans. "What the degger's th' fooil been doin?" he sed, as he held a +Ieet to luk inside. "What's ta fill'd th' heears wi' stooans for, +lumpheead? Why, ther's a looad big enuff for a elephant." + +"They're just as yo put 'em in," sed Joa, "aw nivver touched ony on 'em; +an' if yo'll gie me mi wage awl be off hooam." + +"Here's two shillin! goa an' buy a rooap to hang thisen, for tha arn't +fit to live!" + +"When awm deead yo'll happen bury me for nowt, considerin 'at aw've +worked for yo?" + +"Eea, an' welcome! Th' sooiner an' th' better!" + +"Awm varry mich obliged to yo, an' awl send yo word when yore wanted, +but dooant be in a hurry.--Ther's nowt like takkin yer time. Gooid +neet." + +As that wor th' last job Joa ivver hed, Abergil did'nt mak up her mind +to have him, but that does'nt trouble him, for he says "Gettin wed is a +job a chap can do ony time, an' ther's noa need to be in a hurry." + +His mother's ommost fast what to do wi' him, an' hardly a day passes but +what shoo axes him "if he ivver meeans to get owt to do?" an' he allus +says, "Awm thinkin abaat it. Give a chap a bit o' time! What's yor +hurry?" + + + + +Ha Owd Stooansnatch's Dowter gate Wed. + + +He wor a reight hard-hearted sooart ov a chap wor owd Stooansnatch; ther +wor hardly a child 'at lived i'th' seet o'th' smook ov his chimley but +what ran away when they saw him coming, an' ther mothers, when they +wanted to freeten 'em a bit used to say, 'aw'll fotch owd Stooansnatch +if tha doesn't alter.' + +He wor worth a gooid bit o' brass, 'at he'd scraped together someway, +but like moor sich like it didn't mak him a jot happier, an' he lived as +miserly as if he hadn't a penny. Even th' sparrows knew what sooart ov a +chap he wor, for they'd goa into iverybody's back yard for two or three +crumbs but his, an' if one wor iver seen abaat his door, it wor set daan +to be a young en 'at wor leearnin wit. Fowk sed 'at he clam'd his wife +to deeath, for he wodn't pairt wi' th' smook off his porrige if he could +help it. Th' cowdest day i' winter ther wor hardly a bit o' fire i'th' +grate, an' sich a thing as a cannel ov a neet wor quite aght o' +question. Th' fowk 'at kept th' shop at th' yard end, sed he did buy a +pund when his wife wor laid deead i'th' haase, but it wor becoss he +darn't stop wi' a deead body at neet i'th' dark. But he'd a dowter, as +grand a lass 'as iver a star pept throo a skyleet at; shoo wor a beauty, +an' shoo wor as gooid as shoo wor bonny. When aw used to see her, shoo +used to remind me ov a lily in a assmidden. Shoo'd noa grand clooas to +her back, but what shoo had shoo lined 'em i' sich a nice style wol they +allus luk'd weel. Monny a chap wished he'd niver seen her, an' monny a +one made up ther mind if shoo wor to be had to get her. Some tried one +way an' some another, but owd Stooansnatch wor ready for 'em. Them 'at +went honor bright up to th' door an' axed, he ordered abaght ther +business, an' them 'at went creepin abaght th' haase after dark, he used +to nawp wi' his stick if he could catch' em. But ther wor one, a reglar +blade, he used to be allus playin some sooarts o' marlocks, but +iverybody liked him except owd Stooansnatch. He'd gooan wi' a donkey +hawkin puttates an' turnips an' stuff for a year or two, an' as he'd +gooan his raand he'd seen Bessy,--'Bonny Bessy,' as fowk called her--an' +th' neighbors nooaticed 'at if shoo wanted owt, 'at he allus picked th' +grandest bit he had for her, an' used to give her far moor bumpin weight +nor what he gave them. + +He'd gooan as far as to give her a wink once or twice, an' shoo'd gooan +as far as to give him a smile, but that wor all they'd getten to. But +one neet when he'd getten hooam, an' th' donkey wor put i'th' stable, +an' all his wark done, he sat daan ov a stooil an' stared into th' fire. + +'What's th' matter wi' thi, Joa?' sed his owd mother; 'aw see tha's +summat o' thi mind, hasn't ta had a gooid day?' + +'Yi! aw've had a gooid enuff day, mother, it isn't that.' + +'Why what is it lad? Tha luks a wantin.' + +'Yo say reight, an' aw am a wantin, but aw dooan't meean to be long. +Aw've made up mi mind to get wed, an' sooin an' all; for awm sure yo +arn't fit to be tewin as yor forced to be nah.' + +'A'a, Joa, tha'rt tryin to fooil thi owd mother awm feeard! But aw wish +aw may live to see that day, for aw think if aw saw thi nicely settled +aw could leave this world better content. But who does ta think o' +havin? Aw didn't know tha wor cooartin.' + +'Well, aw dooant think yo did, for aw havn't begun yet, but awve made up +mi mind to start, an that sooin.' + +'Waw, ther'll be a bit ov a sign when tha does begin, but if tha luks +soa yonderly afoor startin, aw dooant know what tha'll luk like afoor +th' weddin day. But let's be knowin who's th' lass.' + +'Well, aw know yo'll be capt when aw tell yo; but it's owd Stooansnatch +dowter.' + +'Th' grandest lass aw iver clapt mi een on, but if that's her tha's made +choice on awm feeard tha'll be disappointed. Owd Stooansnatch 'll want a +different chap throo bi thee for his son i'-law; waw, mun, when owt +happens th' owd man, shoo'll be worth her weight i' gold.' + +'Hi! fowk say soa, an' aw've been thinkin 'at that's nooan a bad thing! +Aw'll drop hawkin then, mother. If aw get aw'll that brass aw'll have +suet dumplins to ivery meal. But putting all that i'th' back graand, if +shoo hadn't a rag to her back nor a penny in her pocket, shoo's th' lass +for me; an' aw connot rest for thinkin abaat her, an' awm just studdyin +abaat gooin to see her to neet.' + +'Why, lad, art ta reight i' thi heead, thinks ta? Doesn't ta know what +sooart ov a chap her fayther is?' + +'Aw should think aw do! Aw've nooan traded wi' him soa long withaat +findin him aght.' + +'Well, awm nowt agean thi cooartin, but aw think tha mud ha fun sumdy +likelier nor Bessy; for tha'll nobbut be wastin thi time, tha may depend +on't. They'll have to be sumdy better nor thee 'at gets Bessy.' + +'Better nor me! Waw, aw wonder whean yo'll find him! For aw can wrastle +ony chap mi own weight, an' aw'll set misen agean th' world for bein a +judge ov a gooid maily puttate. Nah, if yo think awm gooin a beggin for +her to owd Stooansnatch yo're off yor horse, for awm net. Awm baan to ax +her th' furst, an' if shoo says 'Eea,' aw'l sooin work owd Stooansnatch +into th' mind.' + +'Why, lad, aw dooan't know what's getten into thi heead, but ther niver +wor one o' awr family went cracked afoor, an' aw hooap tha'll come +raand.' + +'Nah, mother, yo dooant know all 'at aw know, but aw'l just let yo into +a bit ov a saycret. Nah, aw've nooaticed 'at Bessy allus blushes when +shoo comes to buy owt o' me, an' shoo luks onywhear else rayther nor +shoo'll luk at me; an' shoo strokes th' owd donkey's nooas an' maks a +fuss on him, an' even gies him th' carrot tops, an' he munches' em up +an' luks at me as mich as to say--'This is her Joa; spaik up like a man +an' tha'll win;' an' latly he's begun to rawt as sooin as iver we've +getten into th' end o' th' street, an' aw tak that for a gooid sign, for +yo know Jerusalem wod do owt for me. An' nah as aw've finished mi supper +aw'll be off.' + +'Well, lad, aw wish thi weel, but awm feeard. Aw think if aw wor thee aw +should want summat moor nor a donkey rawtin to set me off o' sich a +eearand as that. Listen! does ta hear it nah? It's a rawtin agean. Can +ta tell me what that means?' + +'Nay, by gow, aw dooant know. Aw think it must meean 'luk sharp.'' + +'Aw think it meeans tha'rt a choolter heead, that's what aw think.' + +'Neer heed, mother; yo'll see when aw come back.' + +Soa off Joa went, full o' faith. When he gate aghtside, th' mooin wor +just risin, an' th' stars wor sparklin up i'th' sky, an' all wor clear +an' still. It wor a gooid two miles to Bessy's, an' he'd time to think a +bit; an' he kept turnin over in his mind what his mother had sed abaght +gooin cracked, an' he began to have some daats as to whether he wor +altogether square or net. 'A'a,' he sed, 'aw've missed it this time, for +aw mud ha browt her a heearin or some oonions for her supper, but it's +just like me, aw allus think o' thease things when it's too lat--aw must +ha been born a bit to lat; but what awm to do, or what awm to say when +aw get to owd Stooansnatche's aw connot tell. But fortune favors th' +brave,' an' aw have been lucky befoor, soa aw'll hooap to be lucky +agean.' + +Joa wor fast lessenin th' distance between hissen an' th' haase whear +owd Stooansnatch lived, an' it worn't long befoor he stood peepin in at +th' winder. He couldn't see owt, for all wor as dark as a booit inside. +He then began tryin to mak up a speech, or frame some mak ov excuse for +comin, but he wor clean lick'd, for moor he tried, an' th' farther off +he seemed to get, an he began to think 'at if he went on studdyin mich +longer it ud end in him gooin back baght dooin owt, soa he screwed up +his pluck an' knocked at th' door. He could hear a mumblin an' scufflin +inside, an' somdy strike a match, an' in a bit he heeard somdy unlock +two or three locks, an' shooit five or six bolts, an' then th' door +oppened abaght two inch, an' a nooas 'at iverybody knew belang'd to owd +Stooansnatch bobbed aght. + +'What does ta want at this time o'th' neet?' sed th' owd man. + +'Nay, nowt particlar; but didn't yo give me hauf-a-craan amang that +copper this mornin, think yo? Aw shouldn't like to wrang onybody, an' aw +did get hauf-a-craan somewhere.' + +Th' door oppened in a minit, an' Joa went in. He knew weel enuff 'at th' +hauf craan didn't belang to th' owd sinner, but he didn't care as he'd +getten in an' Bessy wor sittin bi th' side o'th' fire lukkin bonnier, he +thowt nor iver. + +Owd Stooansnatch wor reckonin to caant up his brass, an' in a bit he +says,--'Tha'rt reight, Joa, lad, it's mine; awm just hauf-a-craan short, +soa tha can give it me.' + +Joa hadn't heeard a word o' this speech, for his een wor fixed o' Bessy. +an' his maath wor oppen as if he wor gooin to swallow her. Bessy wor +blushin, an' seemed varry mich takken up wi' her toa 'at had popt throo +th' end ov her slipper. + +'Does ta hear me?' he sed sharply, 'aw tell thi it's mine, an' tha mun +give it me, an' dooant stand starin thear! Gi me that brass, an' then +tak thisen off hooam! aw connot affooard to keep a cannel burnin this +rooad for nowt.' + +'Why, thear's th' brass,' sed Joa, flinging it on to th' table. 'Aw +should think it owt to pay for a cannel or two.' + +'It's nowt to thee what it'll pay for! but tha's noa need to sit daan +thear for we're gooin to bed, an' soa tha mun goa.' + +'Well dooan't bi i' sich a hurry abbat it, awm net goin to stop all th' +neet yo needn't think, but aw've another bit o' business to see yo +abaat, 'at'll be moor i' yer way nor that hauf-craan's been.' + +'Well if that's th' case tha con stop a bit an' aw'll put th' cannel +aght, for we can tawk i'th' dark. An' nah tell me what it is.' + +'Yo see,' sed Joa, 'aw've been thinkin 'at it ud be a trouble to yo to +loise yor dowter, for aw know shoo's a gooid lass.' + +'Shoo's a extravagant hussey, that's what shoo is,' sed Stooansnatch, +'for shoo's just gien a booan away 'at's niver been stew'd nobbut once.' + +'Why shoo mayn't be just as careful as yo, shoo's young yet; but then aw +dooant think if her an' me gate wed withaat iver lettin yo know 'at yo'd +be altogether suited.' + +'Wed! Wed! Who says shoo's gooin to get wed? Wed! what to a bit ov a +puttaty hawker? If tha mentions sich a thing to me aw'll bundle thi aght +o'th' door i' quick sticks.' + +'Well, aw have mentioned it, an' aw'st mention it agean if aw like; an' +as for shovin me aght o'th' door, aw'll forgi yo if yo do that.' An Joa +quietly gate up an' locked th' door an' put th' key in his pocket. + +When owd Stooansnatch saw that he lauped aght of his cheer, fooamin at +th' maath like a mad dog. 'What are ta baan to do? Does ta want to rob +me? Aw'll mak thee pay for this!' + +'Yo can call it robbin if yo like, but what aw've coom for is yor +dowter, an' aw mean to have her unless shoo says noa, an' aw dooant +think her heart's hard enuff for that,' sed Joa lukkin at her. But Bessy +niver spaik, an' shoo seemed as if shoo could see nowt but th' toa aght +o'th' end ov her slipper. + +'Tha nasty ragamuffin! Tha impident scamp! Oppen that door! If tha +doesn't aw'll fetch th' perleece! Aw'd rayther bury her alive nor tha +should have her!' + +'Why yo needn't get into sich a fit abaat it fayther (for aw suppooas aw +may call yo fayther nah), yo know sich things--' + +'Fayther! Fayther! Whose fayther? Awm nooan thy fayther nor likely to +be! Aw'd rayther pairt wi' ivery hawpeny aw have nor iver think 'at tha +wor owt to me!' + +'Well, Bessy's fayther'll be my fayther when we get wed, an' aw dooan't +see what ther is to be 'shamed on i' that. But aw think yo'd better put +a bit o' coil on th' foir for it's rayther a cooil neet.' + +'Awst put noa coil on th' foir, aw con tell thi that. Aw havn't getten +my brass wi' burnin coil at this time o'th' neet. Aw hooap tha'll be +frozzen to th' deeath if tha doesn't goa.' + +'Noa fear abaat me bein frozzen, becoss if yo d'ooant put some on aw +will, soa crack that nut, fayther.' + +'Aw'll crack thy nut if tha touches ony coils here!' sed Stooansnatch, +seizin hold o'th' pooaker, 'aw'll do that for thee an' sharply if tha +doesn't hook it.' + +'If yo cannot keep yor temper better nor that aw should advise yo to goa +to bed an' leave Bessy an' me to talk matters ovver a bit; an' awm net +gooin to caar here an' get mi deeath o' cold for th' sake ov a bit ov +coil aw can tell yo,' an' Joa tuk th' coil basket an' emptied it onto +th' foir. 'Nah then just leearn me that pooaker, or else scale it yorsen +fayther, an' then we shall have a bit o' leet.' But Stooansnatch kept +fast hold o'th' pooaker, soa Joa scaled it wi' th' tongs. + +'Yo happen havn't owt to sup i'th' haase Bessy, have yo?' he sed, +spaikin to her for th' first time since he'd takken possession. But +still Bessy seem'd altogether takken up wi th' toa 'at wor peepin aght +ov her slipper. + +'Dooan't be 'shamed lass, dooan't be 'shamed, thi fayther'll be all +reight in a bit. Come an' let's gie thi a kuss,' he sed, stoopin ovver +her an' puttin his arm raand her waist. + +This wor moor nor owd Stooansnatch could stand, soa swingin th' pooaker +aboon his heead, he browt it daan wi' a fearful crack onto th' heead o' +poor Joa, who at once reel'd ovver an fell insensible to th' graand. + +Terrified when he saw what he'd done, Stooansnatch let th' pooaker fall, +an' Bessy jump'd up wringin her hands an' cryin 'Oh, fayther! yo've +killed him! yo've killed him! Oh, Joa, Joa, spaik to me! What shall we +do? Fayther bring a leet sharp!' + +But that wor aght o'th' question, for his hand tremeld soa 'at he +couldn't leet a cannel, soa Bessy had to leet it, an' then shoo bent +ovver th' form ov poor Joa. A little crimson stream wor slowly formin a +pool abaat his heead, an' his pale face luk'd soa awful wi' his jet +black hair araand his brow, 'at Bessy seemed ommast as terrified as her +fayther. But tho' shoo wor scared for a minnit shoo sooin gate ovver it, +an' set to bind up his heead an' place it carefully on a cushion. Then +shoo bathed his face wi' watter, but still ther wor noa sign o' life. + +'Aw didn't mean to hit him soa hard, Bessy, awm sure aw didn't.' + +'Yo'll be hung for it as sure as yor standin thear, an' then what's to +come o' me, left withaat onybody to care for me?' + +Owd Stooansnatch could say nowt for a long time, but at last he sed, +'Bessy, put thi hand in his pocket for th' door kay. Aw think aw'd +better fotch a doctor.' + +Bessy felt backward at putting her hand i' his pocket, but shoo did soa, +an' handed th' kay to her fayther, an' in a varry short time he wor +hobblin off for a doctor. + +Bessy kept bathing his heead, an' in a while he slowly oppened his een +an' luk'd raand. 'Ha does ta feel, Joa?' axed Bessy, in a voice as +tender as if shoo'd been talkin to a babby. 'Whativer will thi mother +say?' + +This sooart o' tawk browt Joa to his senses. 'Well, Bessy,' he sed, 'my +mother tell'd me aw wor gooin cracked bat aw think awm brokken nah. +Whear's thi fayther?' + +'Gooan for a doctor; he thinks tha'rt killed, an' he's terrified aght ov +his wits.' + +'Well, if my heead worn't pratty thick, aw should ha done sellin +puttates. But, Bessy, if aw come raand all reight will ta be mi wife? +Tell me that?' + +'Hold thi noise; tha munnot talk--sithee ha thi heead's bleedin.' + +'Neer heed it! My heart'll bleed too if tha willn't ha me;--nah, lass, +what says ta?' + +'Tha knows mi fayther'll niver agree to it, soa what's th' use o' +talkin.' + +'But will ta agree to it if he does? That's what aw want to know?' + +'If tha'll nobbut hold thi noise aw'll agree to owt;--tha luks moor like +burryin nor weddin.' + +'Well, that's settled, an' aw'll tell thi ha aw con get top-side o'th' +old man. Dunnot say a word abaat me havin come raand, an' when th' +doctor comes aw'll put him up to a thing.' + +Just then th' door oppen'd, an' Stooansnatch an' th' doctor coom in. Joa +shut his een an' tried to luk as deead as he could. Th' doctor felt his +pulse, an' luk'd at his heead, an' sed, 'we must get this man to bed, it +seems to me that his skull is fractured.' + +'Do yo think he's likely to dee?' axed Stooansnatch. + +'Well, it's very doubtful; it's a bad case, but we must make the best of +it, so help me to get him to bed.' + +They all three tuk hold on him, an' wi' a deeal o' trouble managed to +get him into Bessy's room, an' to bed. 'Now then, get some brandy an' +some stickin plaister,--Bessy can fetch it.' + +'Na, aw'll fotch it; aw con get it cheaper,' sed Stooansnatch. An' off +he went, wonderin ha mich he could save aght o'th' hauf craan Joa'd gien +him. + +As sooin as he'd gooan, Joa oppened his een, an' raisin hissen up on his +elbow an' winkin at th' doctor, he sed, 'doctor, con yo keep a saycret?' + +Th' doctor wor soa capt wol he ommost fell into th' assnuck, an' withaat +waitin for him to spaik, Joa sed, 'yo see aw've had a nasty knock, an aw +mean to mak owd Stooansnatch pay for it.' + +'Certainly! Quite proper! Sue him for £100 damages. I'll attend as a +witness.' + +'But that isn't th' way aw want to mak him pay for it. Aw dooan't want +his brass, aw want his dowter, an' it's becoss aw axed him for her 'at +he crack'd mi heead. Nah, if yo can nobbut mak him believe 'at this is a +varry bad case, an' freeten him wi' makkin him believe 'at aw shall +niver get better, aw think we can manage it.' + +'Capital! capital!' sed th' doctor, rubbin his hands wi' glee (for he +wor noa fonder o' Stooansnatch nor th' rest o' fowk) 'th' very thing! +You can depend on me. Ah! here he comes.' + +Joa shut his een, an th' doctor lained ovver him as if he wor examinin +his heead, an' Bessy stood wi' her apron up to her face as if shoo wor +cryin, but shoo wor laughin fit to split, for shoo could enjoy a joke at +th' owd man's expense as weel as onybody. + +Owd Stooansnatch coom in traidin of his tip tooas, holdin a roll o' +plaister i' one hand an' sixpenoth o' brandy i'th' tother. + +Th' doctor luk'd at him an' pool'd a long face an' sed, 'I'm afraid its +of no use, Mr. Stooansnatch; this is a bad case, and had better be taken +to the hospital.' + +'Will it be cheaper to have him thear nor at home?' sed Stooansnatch. + +'That I can't tell, but I shall be compelled to give you into custody. +Murder is a sad thing, Mr. Stooansnatch--a terrible thing, sir; and the +hanging of an old man is an awful thing to contemplate.' + +'Murder? hanging? Aw didn't do it! They'll niver hang me for it, will +they? A'a dear, what'll come o' Bessy an' all my bit o' brass? Keep him +here, doctor, an' try to cure him; aw dooant care if it costs a paand,' +an th' old man trembled wol he had to steady hissen agean th' bed +pooast. + +Joa had kept quiet as long as he could, an for fear o' spoilin it all +wi' laffin, he set up a groan laad enuff to wakken a deead en. + +'Poor fellow,' sed th' doctor, givin him a drop o' brandy, 'that's a +fearful groan.' He then cut a lot o' hair, an' put on abaat six inch +square o' plaister, an' leavin him, went into th' next room wi' owd +Stooansnatch, leavin Bessy an' Joa together, an' yo may bet Joa made +gooid use of his time, for he'd begun his cooartin i' hard earnest, an' +he meant to goa throo wi' it. What they sed to one another aw dooant +know, but aw suppoas they talk'd th' same sooart o' fooilery as other +fowk, an' believed it. Haiver, ther's one thing sartin, they coom to +understand one another varry weel, or if they didn't, they thowt they +did. + +When th' doctor an' th' owd man wor i'th' next room, an' th' door shut, +th' doctor sed, 'Tell me all about this affair,--how it happened, and +tell me the truth, for if he dies, the law will require me to state all +I know, and perhaps it might be possible to have the sentence commuted +to transportation for life instead of hanging.' + +'Oh, doctor, do get me aght o' this scrape if yo can. Aw'll tell yo all +abaat it, an' yo tell me what to do.' + +Soa he tell'd him all just as it happened, an' when he'd finished th' +doctor luk'd wise for a minit or two, an' then he sed, varry slowly an' +solemnly, 'so you spilt a fellow creature's blood because he wanted to +marry your daughter. The case looks very bad--very bad.' + +'What mun aw do, doctor? Connot you tell me what to do?' + +'I can only see one way, and that is, if we could bring him to +consciousness, and get a minister to marry them before he dies, then you +see he would be your son-in-law, and his mother would never like to have +it said that her daughter-in-law's father had been hanged, and the thing +might be hushed up; the only difference would be that your daughter +would be a widow.' + +'A widow! an' then shoo could claim his donkey, an puttates, an' all his +clooas, couldn't shoo?' 'Yes, certainly.' + +'Well, they'll be worth summat, for he's some varry gooid clooas, an' +they'd just abaat fit me. Aw think that's th' best way to do.' + +'Well if it has to be done it must be done quickly. If you will get a +marriage license and a minister, I will endeavour to restore him to +consciousness, so you had better be off.' + +Off went old Stooansnatch, tho' it wor nobbut four o'clock i'th' mornin. + +When he'd gooan, th' doctor tell'd all 'at had happened. Bessy begged +hard to have it put off for a wick, but Joa tawk'd soa weel, an' th' +doctor backed him i' all he sed, wol at last shoo consented. + +In abaat two haars, th' old man coom back, an browt th' license an' th' +parson wi' him. + +'Is he livin yet?' he axed in a whisper. + +'Hush! yes, he still survives and is quite conscious,' an' withaat any +moor to do he led' em into th' room an' motioned th' parson to waste noa +time; an' he walked up to th' bedside an' takkin hold o' one o' each o' +ther hands began his nomony, an' wor varry sooin throo wi' it, an' +pronounced 'em man an' wife. + +It wor a gooid job at Stooansnatch turned his back wol it wor gooin on, +for if he hadn't he mud ha smell'd a rat, an' a big en too. + +As sooin as it wor ovver th' doctor went to Joa an' axed him ha he felt. + +'Aw think awm gettin on gradely thank yo; ha's mi fayther gettin on?' he +sed, in a voice as laad as if he wor hawkin his greens. + +Th' parson wor soa takken wol he let his book tummel, an owd +Stooansnatch jumpt ommost aght ov his booits, an' turned raand to see if +it wor possible to be Joa 'at had spokken; an when he saw him sittin up, +winking one e'e, an' a grin all ovver his face, he luk'd at him for a +minit an then he sed, 'Joa aw allus thowt thee a daycent sooart ov a +lad, but aw niver gave thi credit for havin mich wit, but tha's getten +th' best on me this time. Tha's played thi cards pratty weel for that +lass, an' tha hasn't wasted mich time ovver th' gam, but tha's ommost +brokken mi heart.' + +'Well, yo've ommost brokken my heead, soa we're straight.' + +'Tha thinks tha's done summat clivver, but aw'll fix yo all, for aw +willn't leave yo a hawpeny, noa net a hawpeny.' + +'Yo can keep all yor brass an' welcome, an' mich gooid may it do yo, +aw've getten all yo had at aw hankered after, an soa nah aw'll get up +an' tak her wi' me, for shoo's mine nah, an' aw think that old donkey +an' me will be able to find her summat to ait, at any rate we'll try.' + +Joa jumpt up (for he wor varry little warse for his hurt,) an' tellin +Bessy to put on her duds prepared to leeave. + +'Well, Mr. Stooansnatch,' sed th' doctor, 'a weddin is better than a +hangin after all, isn't it?' + +'Hangin be hanged! yo've been just as deep i'th' muck as they've been +i'th' mire, an' if awd my way awd hang yo all. But aw say, luk here, aw +dooant want to be made a laffin-stock on, an soa if yo'll promise niver +to mention this affair, maybe aw shall do summat for' em yet, an' if +anybody axes owt abaat it, say it wor done wi' my consent.' + +They all promised, an' as they wor leeavin Joa sed, 'gooid mornin +fayther, yo mun come up an' see _awr_ Bessy as oft as yo can, we'll mak +yo welcome.' + +'Joa tha'rt a scaandrel if iver ther wor one, an' thee Bess, see at tha +behaves thisen, an let' em see at tha hasn't been brought up wi' +extravagant ways; save a penny wheariver tha can, th' time may come when +yo'll need it. Here's a bit o' summat to start wi',' he sed, an' gave +her an old bacca box an' shut th' door. + +They all laffed, an' as they wor goin up th' street Joa oppen'd th' box, +an' inside wor a little bit o' paper, an' written on it thease words. +'For Bessy's wedding if she weds with my consent.' They all luk'd +curiously to see what wor in it as he slowly oppen'd it, an they could +hardly believe ther een when they saw a Bank o' England note for £500. + +Well, yo may think ha capt Joa's mother wor when shoo saw him come in +wi' Bessy on his arm, for it wor nobbut th' neet befoor 'at he'd goan +aght cooartin, an' when he saw her he sed, 'Well, mother, yo sed aw wor +gooin cracked, an' sin' aw saw yo aw've been cracked an' getten spliced, +an' aw've browt yo a dowter; an' as aw've axed some friends o' mine to +come to ther drinkin, yo mun side all them tubs an' buy some rum, an' +let us have some rum an' teah, an' owt else yo can get us, for we want a +gooid blowout. An' wol yo do that, Bessy an' me 'll goa to bed a bit, +for we've been up all th' neet an' awm sure shoo must be sleepy.' + +'Nay awm nooan sleepy Joa, thee goa to bed an' aw'll help thi mother.' + +'That's reight lass,' sed his mother, 'aw mak nowt o' fowk sleepin i'th' +day time, thee help me an' tak noa notice o' him, he isn't reight in his +heead, aw cannot tell ha iver he caanselled thee to have him.' + +'Nah mother, dooant yo interfere between a man an' his wife; yo forget +at aw've had my heead smashed sin aw saw yo, an' aw want a bit o' rest.' + +'Thee goa to bed an' get all th' rest tha wants, tha'll sleep better bi +thisen 'coss tha'rt moor used to it, an' aw'll see at Bessy doesn't run +away.' + +'But, mother, yo see'-- + +'Aw see nowt abaat it, an' unless tha clears aght o' this hoil ther'll +nawther be rum an' teah nor nowt else! Bless mi life lad! does ta think +at ther wor niver onybody wed afoor thee? tha'rt war nor a child wi' a +new laikon.' + +Joa saw it wor noa use tawkin, soa he went aght to feed his donkey, an' +luk after th' pigs an' poultry, an' mak believe he wor iver soa thrang. + +At last drinkin time coom, an' a few friends coom up, an' a jolly time +they had. Joa luk'd joyous an' Bessy luk'd bonny, an' just befoor they +separated for th' neet an' wor all standin up to drink long life an' +prosperity to th' newly married couple, th' door oppen'd an' in coom owd +Stooansnatch. 'Well,' he sed, 'awm just i' time,' soa seizing hold ov a +glass o' rum he says here's a toast; + + 'May thease young ens to-day has seen joined, + Find all th' pleasure ther hearts are now cravin; + An' when spendin my brass may they find, + As mich pleasure as aw fun i' savin.' + +Ov coorse this tooast wor drunk i' bumpers, an' sooin after they brake +up, an' all went to ther hooams. + +Joa an' Bessy seem to get on varry weel together; an Joa's mother says +'at all shoo wants to mak her happy is to be a granmother. + +Stooansnatch seems to be altered famously sin Bessy gate wed, an' it is +sed (but for th' truth on it aw willn't pledge misen), 'at one day he +gave a little lad a penny to buy spice wi'. If its true, he isn't past +hooap yet. + +He spends th' mooast ov his time up at Joa's, but he's niver had a +pooaker in his hand sin that neet, an' if yo want to see him mad, just +say a word abaat hangin. + + + + +Th' New Railrooad. + + +Yo've heeard tell abaat th new railrooad aw dar say? It's an age o' +steeam is this! Smook nuisance and boilers brustin are ivery-day +affairs, an' ivery thing an' ivery body seem to be on at full speed. Aw +wonder 'at noabdy invents a man wi a drivin pulley at his back soa's +they could speed him up as they do a loom to soa mony picks a minit; th' +chap 'at get's a patent for that ul mak a fortune. + +But after all, they dooant seem in a varry gurt hurry abaat th' new +railroad; but we mun remember Rome wor'nt built in a day, nor a neet +nawther, an' soa we mun have patience. They've nobbut been agate two or +three year, an' although it's hardly likely at' we shall live to see it +finished, happen somedy else will, an' that's a comfort. But bi what aw +hear, ther's some fowk at Ovenden fancy it'll be finished befoor soa +varry long, an' they've started what they call "a railway trainin +class," to taich some oth' young chaps to be railway porters, soa's +they'll be ready when th' time comes. They meet in a cottage haase twice +a wick to practice, an' they say they're gettin on furst rate. Ther's +owd Billy 'at wor once a firer-up for a veal pie shop, an' he's th' +president, an he's getten th' asthma soa bad wol if he sturs he puffs +war nor a broken winded horse, soa they call him puffin Billy. When +they're practisin', they stand o'th' side o'th' oven door i' ther turns, +an' when Billy whistles one on 'em oppens it an' shaats aght "Change +here for Bradford Beck, Halifax, Hull and t'other shops!" then he bangs +it too ageean an shaats "All reight!" an another comes an' does th' +same. When they began at th' furst they borrowed a Tom cat o' th' old +woman, an' used to put it i' th' oven for a passenger, but one o'th' +chaps wor soa fussy, 'at he bang'd th' door too befoor it had getten +reight aght, an' chopped its tail clean off. Niver mind if th' owd woman +didn't mak a crack--shoo declared shoo'd sue' em for condemnation. Billy +tell'd her it ud be a Manx cat after that, but shoo sooin tell'd him +shoo wanted nooan sich lik manx; soa they have to tak ther lessons nah +withaat passenger. Two on 'em 'at's passed ther examination are studdyin +nah for ticket collectors, an' they promise to mak varry gooid uns. When +they practise that, they call th' haase door th' furst class, th' +cubbord th' second class, an' th' oven door th' third class, an' they +start at th' haase door furst, "Gentlemen, your tickets please," then +they goa to th' cubbord door, "Tickets," an' then to th' oven door, "Nah +then, luk sharp wi' them tickets." + +But they'd a sad mishap one neet, for it seems th' owd woman had been +bakin, and shoo forgate to mention it, soa when th' furst chap gate hold +o' th' oven door hannel he burn'd his fingers, an' becos tother students +lafft he sed they'd done it o' purpose; an' it led to a reglar fratch, +an' he gate into sich a rage 'at he sed he'd swallow one on em, if he +did'nt hold his din, an' it wod'nt be th' furst porter he'd swallow'd +nawther! Soa th' taicher tell'd him 'at sich like carryin on wor varry +unporterish, an' if he brake th' rules that way he'd have to be taken +before th' inspector. But nowt could quieten him till he gate his +fingers rubb'd wi sooap an' they gave ovver smartin, soa as th' oven +door wor hot they had to practice another pairt. One on 'em borrowed a +wheelbarrow, as they could'nt get a luggage lurry, an' they had to wheel +it up an' daan th' haase floor i' ther turns, callin aght "By leave!" +An' them 'at could manage to run ovver one o' th' tother's tooas, an' +goa on as if nowt wor, gate one gooid mark, but him at could run buzz +agean a chap an' fell him wor th' next on th' list for a guard. It used +to be warm wark boath for him at wor wheelin' an' for tothers, but they +wor all on 'em bent o' bein' porters, soa they tew'd at it, detarmined +to maister all th' ins an' aghts abaat it. Whether all ther trouble will +be thrown away or net aw connot tell, but ther's one gooid thing, it +keeps' em aght ov a war turn an' saves th' police a deal o' bother. + +But th' owd fowk dooant like th' idea; they see noa use i' bringin sich +gurt stinkin things into their district, an' they've detarmined to do +all they con to stop it; when a body's been able to live 60 or 70 year +withaat sich like nonsense, they see noa reason why they shouldn't be +let finish their bit o' time aght quietly. Ther wor one young lad went +to ax his gronfayther if he mud join th' class, an' th' owd chap went +varry near into a fit, he luk'd at him for a minit, an' then he says, + + A'a, Johnny! a'a, Johnny! aw'm sooary for thee! + But come thi ways to me, an' sit o' mi knee. + For it's shockin' to hearken to th' words 'at tha says;-- + Ther wor nooan sich like things i' thi gronfayther's days. + + When aw wor a lad, lads wor lads, tha knows, then, + But nahdays they owt to be 'shamed o' thersen; + For they smook, an' they drink, an' get other bad ways; + Things wor different once i'thi gronfayther's days. + + Aw remember th' furst day aw went coortin' a bit, + An' walked aght thi gronny;--awst niver forget; + For we blushed wol us faces wor all in a blaze;-- + It wor nooa sin to blush i' thi gronfayther's days. + + Ther's nooa lasses nah, John, 'at's fit to be wed; + They've false teeth i' ther maath, an' false hair o' ther heead: + They're a make-up o' buckram, an' waddin', an' stays, + But a lass wor a lass i' thi gronfayther's days. + + At that time a tradesman dealt fairly wi th' poor, + But nah a fair dealer can't keep oppen th' door; + He's a fooil if he fails, he's a scamp if he pays; + Ther wor honest men lived i' thi gronfayther's days. + + Ther's chimleys an' factrys i' ivery nook nah, + But ther's varry few left 'at con fodder a caah; + An' ther's telegraff poles all o'th' edge o'th' highways, + Whear grew bonny green trees i' thi gronfayther's days. + + We're teld to be thankful for blessin's 'ats sent, + An' aw hooap 'at tha'll allus be blessed wi content: + Tha mun mak th' best tha con o' this world wol tha stays, + But aw wish tha'd been born i' thi gronfayther's days. + + + + +Mose Hart's Twelvth Mess. + + +'Holloa! whear ta for, Dick? Tha'rt donned up fearful grand.' + +'Nay, aw nobbut wish aw knew whear aw wor, but aw connot tell for th' +life on me; but tha can happen put me into th' end, for awm seekin "Th' +Fiddle Brig an' Blow Pipe Music Saloon," for aw've getten two tickets +for a grand consart 'at's gooin to be gien bi some Morpheus Musical +Society, an' aw've rammel'd abaat for a gooid clock haar, an' awm blow'd +if aw can find th' shop.' + +'Why, if tha's getten two tickets tha mud as weel gie me one, an' aw'll +goa hooam an' get donned, an' we'st be company.' + +'Bith' heart, lad, aw wish tha wod; aw dooant care bein my share towards +a quairt if tha'll goa, but awm feeard we'st be lat; doesn't ta think +them clooas tha has on'll do?' + +'Nay, tha sees mi britches knee is brussen.' + +'Ne'er heed, aw'l leearn thi mi kerchy, an' then as sooin as tha's +getten set daan tha can spreead it ovver thi knees, an' nobdy'll iver +know owt abaat it.' + +'Well, if tha doesn't mind aw dooant, for a chap had better have a hoil +in his clooas nor a hoil in his karracter, soa let's try to find this +place. Sithee! what does that sign say 'at's hingin' aght o' th' charmer +winder?' + +'Nay, Seth, tha knows awm noa reader, an' besides aw havn't mi specks, +but what does ta mak it into?' + +'Well, ther's a Hess, an' a Hay, an' a Hell, an' two Hoes, an' a Hen, +what does that spell?' + +'Nay, aw connot tell, but it'll nooan be what we want awm sewer o' that, +for thear's noa hens abaat thear.' + +'Ha hens, lumpheead! It's th' letter N aw sed.' + +'Litter hen! why aw nivver heeard o' sich o' thing; aw've heeard o' pigs +havin litters but nivver hens, we call 'em cletches.' + +'Tha gets less sense, Dick, ivvery day, aw do think. Doesn't ta +understand? Ther's a Hess, an' a Hay, an' a Hell, an' two Hoes, an' a +Hen, an' that spells saloon, or else aw've forgetten my algibra.' + +'Well, well, happen it does; tha's noa need to get soa cross-grained +abaat it; if tha goes on like that aw'll gie th' ticket to somdy else, +nah mark that.' + +'Tha can gie it to who the duce tha's a mind, Dick; awm nawther beholden +to thee nor to thi ticket, soa crack that nut!' + +'Well, tha's noa need to be soa chuff. Here's th' ticket an' mi kerchy, +an' nah tha con follow clois to me an' we'll goa up stairs. Aw con hear +some mewsic bi nah, come on.' + +Just as they oppened th' door all th' singers wor standin up to begin. + +'Dooant stand up for th' sake o' us,' sed Dick, 'get on wi' yer mewsic, +we can caar daan onywhear.' Iverybody laff'd when Dick sed soa, an' as +they didn't know what they wor laffin at they thowt it wor at Seth's +britches. + +'Yo've noa need to laff,' sed Seth, 'aw've some better at hooam.' + +'Silence! silence!' bawled aght a lot o' fowk; an' when all wor quiet, +th' chap at th' far end began shakkin a bit ov a stick 'at he had, an' +Seth sed, 'Tha's noa need to shak thi stick at me,' but what he sed +beside wor lost, for all th' singers struck up, an' Dick an' Seth set +daan o' th' edge ov a big drum 'at ther wor in th' nook. In a bit Seth +axed th' chap 'at set next to him what they wor singin. + +'It's Mozart's Twelfth Mass,' he sed. + +'Why, what dooant they turn him aght for?' + +'Turn who aght?' sed th' chap lukkin raand. + +'Why, Mose Hart. If he worked at awr shop he'd be secked for one mess, +niver tawk abaat twelve.' + +'Whisht!' sed th' chap, an' gave Seth a drive wi' his elbow just between +his brace buttons, an' Seth went daan wi' a soss onto th' drum end, an' +throo it he went wi' a crack as laad as a pistol gooin off. + +'Thear, tha's done it,' sed Dick; 'Tha's letten all th' mewsic aght o' +that, onyway; they owt to ha made a drum major o' thee.' + +'It's noa fawt o' mine,' he sed, as he tried to scramel aght. 'Let me +catch hold o' that chap' at knocked th' wind aght o' me, an' if aw +dooant drum him it'll be becoss aw connot.' + +When he gate to his feet he luk'd raand, but th' chap had mizel'd, but +all th' singers wor standin raand laffin fit to split. + +'Are yo laffin becoss mi britches knees is brussen or becose th' drum +end's brussen, aw'd like to know?' + +'What's th' matter wi' thi? tha'rt as mad as if tha'd swoller'd th' drum +asteead o'th' drum swollerin thee; tha mud ha getten thi bally brussen,' +sed Dick. + +'It's very plain to me that there will be no more harmony here this +ev'ning,' sed th' little man 'at wor shakkin th' stick, 'and so I shall +leave you, an' I hope those who have tickets to dispose of, will in +future give them to persons who can appreciate music.' + +'Aw'll mak thee sick for two pins,' sed Seth, 'if tha says owt agean me, +aw'll sing thee for glasses raand ony day.' + +The conductor sed no more but went home. + +'Who is yond leckterin fooil?' sed Seth, to a chap 'at stood near. + +'That's th' conductor.' + +'Corn doctor, is he? Why, what does he want at a singing doo? Connot yo +cut yor own corns?' + +'Tha doesn't understand, he's th' leeader.' + +'Well, if he's th' leeader, what dooant yo follow him for? But nah luk +here! aw'll tell yo what aw'll do. Aw've been th' cause o' braikin up +yor spree, soa suppoas yo all stop an' have a bit ov a doo wi' me; aw've +getten a shillin or two an' we'll send for some ale an' mak a reglar +free-an-easy on it.' + +'Hear! hear!' sed one. + +'Ov course we'll have it here, whear else does ta want it!' Soa they all +agreed to sit daan, and Seth sent for two gallon o' ale an' some bacca, +an' nooan on 'em seemed to be sooary 'at things had turned aght as they +had. + +When they'd all had a second tot, an' getten ther pipes let, they made +Seth into th' cheerman, an' he sed they'd have to excuse him for net +knowin ther names, but when he wanted to call anybody up he'd do his +best to mak 'em understand who he meant, an' to begin wi, he should mak +bould to ax that chap wi' th' big nooas to sing a song. + +Nubdy stirred, soa Seth pointed him aght an' sed, 'Will that chap wi' +th' red peg i'th' middle ov his face oblige the company with a song?' + +Th' chap couldn't mistak who wor meant this time, so he gate up. + +'Mister cheerman,' he sed, 'aw doant know 'at my nooas owes yo or +onybody else owt, an' why it should be remarked aw can't tell.' + +'Aw should think it owes thee a gooid deal,' sed th' cheerman. 'If tha +doesn't want it to be remarked tha shouldn't paint it sich a bright +colour; but get on wi' th' singing.' + +'Awm noa singer, aw play a offerclyde, but awm thinkin' o' changin, an' +leearnin th' fiddle.' + +'That's reight, lad, do. Awm sure it'll tak all th' wind tha has to blow +that peg o' thine i' cold weather; a fiddle 'll suit thee better, an' +tha'll niver be fast for a spot to hing up thi stick. But it's a song we +want, an' not a speech, an' if tha doesn't sing tha'll be fined a +quairt.' + +That settled it; soa, clearin his voice, he began-- + + Tho' the sober shake the head, + And drink water, boys, instead, + And the foolish all strong liquors do decry; + Yet the foaming glass for me, + May we never, never see + A friend without a draught when dry. + + Then quaff, boys, quaff, and let's be merry; + Why should dull care be crowned a king? + Let us have another drain, till the night begins to wane, + And the bonny, bonny morn peeps in. + + Let us drown each selfish soul + Deep in the flowing bowl; + Let the rosy god of wine take the throne; + And he who cannot boast + Some good humour in his toast, + Let him wander in the world alone. + Then quaff, boys, &c. + + O, I love a jolly face, + And I love a pretty lass, + And I love to see the young and old around; + Then with frolic and with fun + Let both wine and moments run, + And the hearty, hearty laugh resound. + Then quaff, boys, &c. + + When man was placed on earth + He was naked at his birth, + But God a robe of reason round him threw; + First he learned to blow his nose, + Then he learned to make his clothes, + And then he learned to bake and brew. + Then, quaff, boys, &c. + + If it's wrong to press the vine-- + Thus to make the rosy wine, + Then it must be wrong to crush the wheaten grain; + But we'll laugh such things to scorn, + And although it's coming morn, + Just join me in another drain. + Then quaff, boys, &c. + +'E'e gow, lad! that's a rare song. Aw'll say nowt noa moor abaat thy +nooas after that, but tha munnot sing that amang teetotallers. It's thy +call nah, let's keep it movin, call for who or what tha likes.' + +'Well, if awm to call, aw shall call th' landlord to fill this pitcher, +for this pipe o' mine's varry dry.' + +'All reight, lad, order it to be filled, aw'll pay for it, an wol +they're fotchin it call o' somdy for a song or summat.' + +'Well, aw call o'th' cheerman for a song.' + +'Nay, lad, tha munnot call o' me, for if awd to start ony mak ov mewsic +aw should niver get throo it.' + +'Yo went throo th' drum easy enuff,' said one. + +'Eea, an' he brag'd he could sing better ner awr conductor,' sed +another. + +'Nah chaps, aw'll do my best to mak it a pleasant neet, an' as th' ale +has just come up aw'll give yo a tooast an' a sentiment booath i' one.' + + Hold up yer heads, tho' at poor workin men + Simple rich ens may laff an' may scorn; + May be they ne'er haddled ther riches thersen, + Somdy else lived afoor they wor born, + As noble a heart may be fun in a man + 'At's a poor fusten coit for his best, + An 'at knows he mun work or else he mun clam, + As yo'll find i' one mich better drest. + + Soa, here's to all th' workers wheariver they be, + I'th' land, or i'th' loom, or i'th' saddle; + And the dule tak all them 'at wod mak us less free, + Or rob us o'th' wages we haddle. + +'Them's just my sentiment,' sed one o'th' singers, 'an' +aw dooant care who hears me say it, for aw dooant care +whether a chap's coit is aght o'th' elbows or his britches +knees brussen, noa matter if he's----' + +'Thee shut up,' sed Seth, 'it's my call next, an' aw want +thee to know, owd fiddle-face, 'at tha can give ovver talking +abaat fowks clooas, an' sing as sooin an tha likes.' + +'Mr. Cheerman, aw nobbut know one, but as sooin as +aw've supt aw'll start, shove th' ale this rooad.' + +'Get supt then, it taks more bother to start thee singin +nor what it taks to start th' Dyke Engin.' + + All kinds of songs I've heard folks sing, + Of things in every nation; + Of Queen's Road swells, and Clarehall belles, + And every new sensation. + But I've a song you never heard, + Although the music's ancient; + It's all about one Doctor Bird, + And his fascinating patient. + So list to me + And I'll tell you all the story of this Doctor B. + + One day he sat within his room, + By draughts and pills surrounded; + Strange pictures hanging on the walls + Which timid folks confounded. + He heard the bell, and strange to tell, + He quickly changed his manner, + And in there came his bosom's flame + His darling Mary Hannah. + So list to me, &c. + + 'Sweet Mary Hannah!' 'Doctor dear'-- + Such was their salutation; + 'I've come,' sed she, 'for much I fear, + I've got the palpitation.' + 'O never mind,' says Doctor B., + 'You need not long endure it; + Just come a little nearer me, + I fancy I can cure it.' + But list to me, &c. + + He took a loving, long embrace, + Cries she, 'Oh, dear, that's shocking!' + When the doctor's boy, to mar their joy, + Just entered without knocking. + And when he saw the state o' things, + Then down the stairs he hurried, + And ran to tell the Doctor's wife,-- + For Doctor B. was married. + So list to me, &c. + + The Doctor seized his hat and cane, + And cried, 'Dear Mary, hook it!' + Then down he ran, and found a cab, + And in an instant took it-- + 'Drive for your life and fetch my wife, + And need no second telling!' + And in a very little time + They reached the Doctor's dwelling. + So list to me, &c. + + His wife was there, said he, 'My dear + Come with me to the city, + I'm lonely when you are not near,' + Says she, 'Why that's a pity.' + He took her to the self same room, + And in the self same manner; + He kissed and coaxed his lawful wife, + As he'd just kissed Mary Hannah. + So list to me, &c. + + In loving talk some time they spent, + Says she, 'now I'll go shopping;' + He kissed her and as out she went, + The Doctor's boy came hopping; + He saw her and he quickly cried, + 'O, please excuse me missus, + But Doctor's got a girl inside, + And he's smothering her with kisses. + So list to me, &c. + + 'You little sneaking cur,' she cried, + 'That shows that you've been peeping.' + She boxed his ears from side to side + And quickly sent him weeping. + The Doctor rubbed his hands and smiled, + To think how well he'd plan'd it, + And Mrs. B.'s quite reconciled, + But the boy don't understand it. + So you all see + What a very cunning fellow was this Doctor B. + + Now all you married men so gay, + Just listen to my moral; + Indulge your wives in every way, + And thus avoid a quarrel. + Pray do your best to settle down, + Nor with the fair ones frisk it; + You might not fare like Doctor B., + It isn't safe to risk it. + For you can see + How very near in trouble was this Doctor B. + +'Is that th' only song tha knows young man?' + +'That's all aw know, Mr. Cheerman.' + +'Why, tak my advice an' forget it as sooin as tha can, +for aw niver heeard a war, an' see if tha cannot find a better. +Nah tha can call for th' next.' + +'Well, aw'll call o' owd Miles, an' if he con do ony better +aw'll pay for th' next gallon.' + +Old Miles stood up, an' crossed his hands i' front an +turned up his een as if he wor gooin to relate his experience +at a prayer-meetin, an' began: + + They may talk of pure love but its fleeting at best; + Let them ridicule gold if they will; + But money's the thing that has long stood the test, + And is longed for and sought after still. + Love must kick the balance against a full purse, + And you'll find if you live to four score, + That whativer your troubles the heaviest curse, + Is to drag on your life and be poor. + + If you sigh after titles and long for high rank, + Let this be your aim night and day, + To increase the small balance you have at your bank, + And to honors' 't will soon point the way. + For you'll find that men bow to the glittering dross, + Whate'er its possessor may be; + And if obstacles rise they will help you across, + If you only can boast £. s. d. + + See that poor man in rags, bending under his load, + He passes unnoticed along: + No one lends him a hand as he goes on his road, + He must toil as he can through the throng. + But if he was wealthy, how many would fly + To assist him and offer the hand; + But he's poor, so they leave him to toil or to die, + That's the rule in this Christian land. + +'Nah, that's summat like a song; aw could lizzen to that all th' neet, +an' aw think yo'll all agree 'at owd fiddle face has lost his gallon. +Nah, lad, does ta hear? Tak to payin.' + +But he didn't hear, for he'd quietly slipped away an' left 'em wi' a +empty pitcher. 'Well, he's a mean owd stick, onyway; but aw'll pay for +it fillin once moor. An' nah, Miles, it's yor turn to call.' + +'Mr. Cheerman, aw'll call o' yor friend for th' next.' + +'A'a, lad,' sed Dick, 'tha should pass by me, for aw niver sang a song +i' mi life, an' awm to old to start, but if yo've noa objections aw'll +give yo a recitation.' + +'Gooid lad, Dick, goa on! Tha'rt gam, aw know.' + + Ov all th' enjoyments' at sweeten man's life, + Ther's nooan can come up to a sweet tempered wife; + An' he must be lonesome, an' have little pleasure, + 'At doesn't possess sich a woman to treasure. + But them 'at expect when they tak hooam a bride, + 'At nowt nobbut sunshine wi' them will abide, + An' think 'at noa sorrow will iver oppress, + They'll find ther mistak aght, yo'll easily guess. + For th' mooast fascinatin an' lovable elves, + Are all on 'em mortal, just th' same as ussels, + An' show tempers 'at sometimes are net ovver pleasant, + They find fault whear ther's room, an' sometimes whear ther isn't, + An' to get there own way, why they'll kiss, coax, or cavil, + They'll smile like an angel, or storm like the devil. + But aw've monny times sed, an' aw say it ageean, + 'At women are ofter i'th' reight nor are th' men, + Just fancy gooin hooam to a bachelor's bed, + All shudderin an' shakkin yo lig daan yor heead. + There's a summat a wantin, 'at fills yo wi' fear, + Yo can turn as yo like, but you find it's not thear, + An' yo freeat an' yo fitter, or weep like a willow; + An' for want o' owt better, mak love to a pillow. + But him 'at's been blessed wi' a wife he can love, + Liggs his heead on her breast pure as snow from above, + An' ther's nubdy could buy it for silver or gold, + An' he wodn't exchange it for Abrahams of old. + An' he falls hard asleep, wi' her arm raand his neck, + An' gets up lik a lark, an' then works like a brick. + +'Nah, friends, aw wish to say a few words befoor aw goa. Awm varry sorry +'at aw brack that drum, but yo see it wor an accident, an' aw've done my +best to mak it up, an' as Dick's recitation maks me think awd better be +gettin hooam, or aw shall happen find it varry warm when aw get thear. +Aw'll nobbut call o' one moor befoor sayin gooid neet, an' that's Mose +Hart. If he's hear aw should like him to try agean; ther's nowt like +perseverance, an' if a chap fails twelve times th' thirteenth may pay +for all.' + +'Mr. Cheerman, Mozart wor deead long befoor yo wor born or thowt on.' + +'Then that chap 'at dug his elbow into my guts tell'd me a lie, for he +sed he'd just made a mess for th' twelfth time when aw come in.' + +Ther wor a crack o' laffin when he sed that, for th' chaps saw his +mistak, an' soa one on 'em went quietly up to him an' explained it. 'O, +then,' he sed, 'if he's deead we may as weel goa hooam, an' all aw've +getten to say is 'at ony time yo chonce to come by awr haase, just luk +in an' aw'll mak yo welcome, an' my owd lass'll mak yo a mess o' some +sooart 'at'll do yo some gooid. Yo'll find it easy, for aw live th' next +door to th' Pig an' Whistle, an' soa aw wish yo all a varry gooid +neet--Come on Dick.' + + + + +Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill Statty. + + +CHAPTER I. + +Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill Fowld wor a quiet little place; ther wor sixteen +haases altogether, four on each side ov a big square yard, an' a pump +i'th' middle. Th' fowk 'at lived thear had mooast on 'em been born +thear, an' ther'd been soa monny weddin's amang 'em wol they wor all +summat moor or less akin. Niver i'th' memory o'th' oldest on 'em had +ther been ony change i'th' fowld, except nah an' then a bit o' fresh +paint wor put on th' doors an' winders, until one day th' landlord coom +and browt two or three smart lukkin chaps' at begun to messure hear an' +thear, an' all th' wimmen an' th' childer watched' em wi' as mich +anxiety as if they wor gooin to pool all th' haases daan. + +Th' chaps wor all off at ther wark, but when they coom hooam at neet +they wor sooin made acquainted wi' all 'at had gooan on, an' when they'd +getten ther drinkins, one after another walked aght, wol they wor all +met together raand th' pump. + +'What does ta mak on it, Jacob?' sed one o'th' younger end, spaikin to +an owd man wi' a grey heead. 'What does ta think they meean to do?' + +'Nay aw connot tell, unless it's some o' them wrang-heeaded fowk 'at th' +maister wor tawkin abaat, 'at want to start a schooil booard or some +new-fangled noation.' + +'Why, what mak o' schooils is them schooil board consarns?' + +'Aw dooant know, nobbut it's a schooil whear yo send childer to leearn +ther letters, an' they booard 'em at same time.' + +'Why, that's nooan a bad thing if they give 'em owt daycent to ait.' + +'Does ta think they'll have owt at we shalln't have to pay for? Did ta +iver know th' Corporation give owt for nowt? All aw wish is 'at they'd +let us alooan. We've getten on here for aboon fifty year withaat ony o' +ther bother, an' aw could like to finish my bit o' time aght as we are.' + +They all agreed wi' this, an th' wimmen 'at had gethered raand to harken +sed they thowt soa too, an' it ud seem 'em better if they'd luk after +ther own wives an' childer a bit moor, and net come botherin thear. + +When th' bacca wor done, they went back into ther haases, one bi one, +an' went to bed, but ther wor a sooart ov a claad hung ovver 'em all, +and they didn't sleep varry weel. + +Next mornin, as they started off for th' day, they each gave a luk +raand, as if to fix iverything i' ther mind, for fear when they coom +back they'd niver be able to own th' spot. + +Sooin after they'd gooan, a lot o' navvies coom an' started o' diggin. +Wor'nt th' wimmin aght in a crack! 'What are yo baan to do?' they sed. + +'We're gooin to put yo all watter in,' sed th' gaffer, 'soas yo can do +withaat this pump.' + +'We dooant want ony watter puttin in; when we want watter we can fotch +it,--goa abaat yor business!' + +But he tell'd 'em they'd getten orders to do it, an th' landlord had +agreed, soa they went on wi ther wark. + +Nah, th' chap 'at had takken this job to do, hadn't takken it bi th' +day; he'd agreed to do it for soa mich, soa yo may bet he kept' em all +at it, an' it tuk varry little time to dig an' get th' pipes laid; an' +then th' plumbers wor waitin to start, an' iverybody wor as thrang as if +ther lives depended on it bein finished that day,--an' it wor +finished,--an' as sooin as it wor done they set to wark an' pool'd daan +th' owd pump, an' laid some flags ovver th' well, an' went hooam. + +Th' wimmin didn't know whether to be pleased wi' th' new taps or mad +abaat th' loss o'th' pump, an' soa they sed nowt until ther fellies coom +back. It worn't monny minits afoor they began to coom hooam, an' as +sooin as they saw th' pump ligged o'th' graand an' th' well covered up, +they luk'd like--weel, it's noa use me tryin to tell what they luk'd +like, for they luk'd so monny different ways 'at aw should be fast amang +it; but ther worn't one on 'em suited, an' net one 'em had patience to +luk at th' new taps. + +Owd Jacob spit his teah aght ov his maath as sooin as he tasted it. 'Aw +knew ha it ud be,' he sed, 'if iver we lost that pump.' + +'Why, what's th' matter?' sed his dowter. + +'Matter! connot ta taste th' difference between that watter an' th' +watter tha used to get aght o'th' pump?' + +'Why, father,' shoo sed, 'that is pump watter, for aw pump'd it mysen +befoor they pool'd it daan.' + +'Oh, did ta. It wor happen a bit o' bacca aw had i' mi maath. But allus +bear this i' mind, if iver tha gets wed an' should leave this fowld +niver go to live whear ther isn't a pump.' + +After th' drinkin all th' chaps could be seen standin i'th' door hoils, +leeanin agean th' jawm, for they felt lost, an' didn't know whear to +goa. They'd allus been i'th' habit o' getherin raand th' owd pump, an' +it seemed nah as if they couldn't tell whear to stand for th' pump had +acted as cheerman for' em when they had ther argyfyin meetins,--an' a +varry gooid cheerman too. + +At last one on 'em screwed up courage to goa an' luk at th' owd pump +case as it ligged i'th' muk, an' then one an' another joined him, wol it +luk'd for all th' world as if they wor holdin an inquest. + +'That's been a gooid friend to us all,' sed Jacob, 'an' aw dooant like +to see it liggin thear.' + +'Noa, moor do aw,' sed another, 'an' it luks a sooart o' desolate, sin +they tuk th' guts aght.' + +'Aw wish somdy'd tak their guts aght,' sed Levi, 'it ud sarve 'em +reight. But what mun we do wi' it! Th' fowld luks lost withaat it. +Suppooas we put it up agean just to luk at?' + +'Aw propooas we bury it,' sed Jacob, 'an' then raise a monement ovver +it. It desarves one better nor lots 'at get 'em. It wor allus sober, an' +minded its own business, an' niver refused to give owt it had if yo +shook it bi th' hand.' + +'Well, but whear mun we bury it?' sed Jonas. + +'Aw think,' sed Jacob, ''at as it's had a wattery life, it owt to have a +wattery grave. Let's pool them flags up an' drop it into th' well.' + +They all agreed to this, soa it worn't monny minits befoor they had th' +well oppened, an' wor ready to drop it in, but one o'th' women happened +to ax 'who wor gooin to read ovver it.' Nah this had n ver struck nooan +on' em befoor, an' they saw at once 'at it should be attended to. + +'Whear's Elkanah?' sed Jacob. 'He's allus ready wi' a speech, let's see +what he can find to say.' Soa one on 'em whistled, an' Elkanah coom, an' +they tell'd him what they wanted. + +'All reight,' he sed, 'but if yor baan to bury it like that aw think +ther owt to be a burryin drinkin.' + +'That's reight, Kana!' shaated th' wimmin, 'let's have it reight if we +have it at all.' + +'That's my noation,' sed Elkanah, 'an aw'll see what aw con collect +befoor we bury it,--aw'll be a shillin.' + +'Soa will aw,' 'soa will aw,' 'aw'll be another,' an ther wor sooin +thirteen shillin an' sixpence sam'd up. 'Nah, awm ready,' he sed, 'tak +off yor hats, an' handle it gently for its rayther rotten.' They all did +as they wor tell'd, an' havin getten ready Elkanah spake,-- + + 'Into this well soa deep, + We put thee daan to sleep, + Farewell owd pump. + Tho' some may thee despise, + We know tha'rt sure to rise + Up wi' a jump. + 'Tha's sarved thi purpose weel, + An' all thi neighbors feel + Sad at thi fate. + But as tha's had thi day, + This is all we've to say, + Ger aght o'th' gate.' + +After this one on 'em struck up a temperance hymn, an' bi th' time +they'd getten through an' th' owd pump wor sent to its restin place two +o'th' wimmen wor ready wi' a gallon o' rum an' ale mixed, an' they +totted it aght i' pint pots. This didn't go far amang th' lot, soa they +fotched another an another wol ther brass wor done, an' then separated +wi' heavy hearts an' rayther leet heeads an' went to bed, feelin glad to +know 'at they'd done all they could towards payin a fittin tribute to an +owd friend. + + +CHAPTER II. + +Next day wor a gloomy day i'th' Hoil-i'th'-Fowld; whether it wor grief +for th' loss o'th' pump, or th' effects o'th' rum an' ale, aw connot +say, but all th' chaps stopt at hooam, an' it wor ommost dinner time +when they mustered i'th' middle o'th' yard, an' owd Jacob, who'd been +puffin at a empty pipe for a long time, luk'd up an' spake. + +'Lads,' he sed, 'it seems to me 'at this yard will niver luk like itsen +agean, unless we have summat standin up i'th' middle i'th' place ov th' +owd pump; an' aw've been tryin to think what it had better be, but aw +can't mak up mi mind abaat it. What do yo think?' + +'Suppooas we put a tombstun ovver th' pump,' sed Elkanah. + +'Tha wants th' job o' writin th' hepitaf, does ta?' sed Jonas. + +'Well, aw dooant think that ud do, for a tombstun is nobbut a varry +gloomy sooart ov a thing at th' best hand. Nah, what do you say if we +have a statty? Aw think a statty ud look noble an' inspirin like.' + +'Eea, aw think soa too,' sed Simeon, 'but who mun we have a statty on? +Mun it be th' landlord?' + +'Landlord be blow'd! What mun we have a statty o' him for? We see enuff +o' him ivery month when he comes for his rent.' + +'Well, who mun it be?' + +'Aw dooant know 'at it matters mich who it is, for they put up stattys +to onybody nah days, nobbut we mun pick aght somdy 'at gets a daycent +wage, 'coss he'll have to find pairt o'th' brass. Nah, ther's Kana +thear; he isn't baat a two or three paand. Suppooas we put one up to +Kana?' + +'Why, what's Kana iver done 'at he should have a statty?' + +'What difference does that mak? What's lots o' fowk done 'at get +stattys? Worn't his fayther th' bell-man for monny a year? an' didn't +owd Sally his mother, bake the best havvercake 'at yo could get i'th' +district? An' a statty's a statty noa matter who's it is? What says ta +Kana?' + +'Well aw dooant know ha mich it'll cost. What is it to be made on?' + +'Oh, we'll have it made o' wood,--th' pump wor a wooden un, an' Simeon's +a wood turner, an' he'll turn it cheap, willn't ta Simeon?' + +'Aw'll do it as reasonable as aw con. Aw think aw could get up a varry +gooid en for abaat thirty shillin.' + +'Well, aw'll be ten shillin,' sed Kana, 'an' tother can be subscribed +for at a penny a wick a piece.' + +'Why, that's fair enuff, lads, what do yo say?' + +'We'll all agree to that,' sed Jonas, 'but whear mun we put it? May be +'as th' Corporation's taen away th' pump they may want to shift th' +statty.' + +'Corporation be hanged! we'll put it up thear an' let them mell on it +'at dar.' + +'Well' sed Simeon, 'aw'll start it reight away, but aw'st want Kana to +sit aside o'th' lathe wol awm turnin, or else awst niver be able to get +a likeness on him.' + +'Oh, th' likeness matters nowt; tha can paint his name on it an' then +iverybody'll know whose it is.' + +'After a bit moor tawk they sauntered off, some one way an' some +another, an' amused thersens as weel as they could wol bed time, an' +then went to sleep, all except Simeon; he could'nt sleep, for he didn't +like to admit 'at he couldn't turn a statty, an' still he didn't know ha +to start; but he wor bent o' having th' thirty shillin ony way. + +Next mornin he made a beginnin, an' he thowt he'd turn th' body pairt +first, an' he made a varry daycent job on it he thowt, an' when they +ax'd him at neet ha he wor gettin on, he tell'd 'em th' belly piece wor +all reight, an' he'd have it all done bi Setterdy neet; an' he kept his +word, an' when they all coom hooam thear it wor, wi' a gurt bedquilt +ovver it, waitin to be unveiled, an' yo con bet it worn't long befoor +they'd all swallow'd ther drinkin an' wor waitin--all except Kana, he +felt a sooart o' modest abaat it an' had to be fotched aght. + +Jacob wor th' cheerman, an' they maanted him on a peggytub turned upside +daan; but he wor a sooart o' fast what to say, soa he ax'd Simeon. +'Why,' he sed, tha mun praise th' statty, an' say it's a life-like +portrait, an' then tha mun tell all th' gooid things tha knows abaat +Kana.' + +'Why, but aw dooant know nowt varry gooid abaat him, nobbut he can cure +a bit o' bacon dacently.' + +'Niver heed, tha mun say all tha thinks he owt to ha done, it'll do just +as weel.' + +Kana wor wonderin all th' time what he'd have to say, soa he called +Jonas o' one side an' axed him. + +'Oh, thy pairt's easy enuff. Tha mun thank 'em all, an' say it's th' +praadest day o' thi life; but dooant say owt abaat thi own ten shillin, +coss it willn't do for iverybody to know that; an' then as tha's nowt to +booast on thisen, put in a word or two abaat thi father. Owt tha says +obaat thi father is sure to goa daan.' + +'Order! order!' shaated two or three as Jacob gate ready to spaik. +'Feller citizens, an' citizenesses, under this bed quilt is a statty +erected to th' memory of Kana, an' it's put here asteead o'th' pump. You +all know Kana. He's a daycent sooart ov a chap, an' we thowt he owt to +have a statty. At onyrate, we wanted a statty, an' it mud as weel be +Kana's as onybody's else. He's a varry daycent chap, as aw sed befoor, +an' upright--varry upright--as upright--as upright as a yard o' pump +watter. An' aw've noa daat he's honest; aw niver knew him trusted wi' +owt, but varry likely if he wor he'd stick to it. He's a gentleman, th' +bit ther is on him, an' he allus pays his rent. Aw could say a gooid +deeal moor, but th' least sed is th' sooinest mended, an' as yo all want +to see what's under this quilt, aw'll say no moor but show yo at once.' + +Off coom th' quilt, an' ther wor th' statty, but it didn't stand on its +feet, for it wor raised on a powl, an' turned raand like a weathercock. +Worn't ther a shaat when they saw it! Didn't they swing ther hats raand! +Niver mind! + +'Well,' sed Jacob, 'tha's made a gooid job o' that, Simeon; it's as nice +a bit o' wood as aw've seen for a long time, but what made thi have it +to turn raand?' + +'Eea, it's a bit o' nice wood, an' them buttons 'at aw put in for his +een cost me sixpence a-piece. Aw thowt it wor noa use puttin a nooas on, +for tha sees it ud be sure to get brokken off, an' th' reason aw made it +to turn raand is becoss aw thowt it wor hardly fair 'at fowk 'at live o' +one side o' th' fowld should have his face to luk at allus, an' tother +side his back; soa nah we con have it lukkin one way one day an' another +th' next. But whisht! Kana's baan to spaik.' + +'Kind friends, aw just stand up to spaik a few words hopin to find yo +all weel as aw am at present. If onybody had tell'd my fayther 'at his +son wod iver have a statty like that, aw think it wod ha brokken his +heart. This is a praad day for me, an' aw shall niver see this work o' +art withaat thinkin abaat what it cost. My father wor a gooid man, an' +awm his son, an' this is my statty, an' aw thank yo one an' all, soa noa +moor at present, throo yours truly, Elkanah.' + +When he'd done ther wor some moor shaatin, an' then one o'th' wimmen sed +shoo'd a word or two to say. + +'Silence for Mary o' Sarah's!' + +'Me an' tother wimmen has been tawkin it ovver,' shoo sed, 'an' we think +'at if ther wor a gooid strong hook driven in th' top of its heead, 'at +we could fessen a clooas line to, 'at it wod be varry useful, an' we'd +ommost as sooin have it as th' pump.' + +'That's a gooid idea,' sed Simeon, 'aw'll drive one in, for ther's no +brains in it.' + +'Its soa mich moor like Kana,' sed Jonas, but nubdy tuk ony noatice. + +They all kept waitin abaat after th' ceremony wor ovver, expectin 'at +Kana wod ax 'em to have summat to sup at th' heead on it, but he didn't +seem to understand things, soa Simeon went up to him an' whispered. + +'Net another hawpney,' he sed, 'it's cost me enuff.' + +When they heeard this they all turned agean him at once. 'If tha doesn't +stand treat,' sed Jacob, 'we'll rub thi name off an' put on somdy's else +at will.' + +'Yo can put whose yo like on,' sed Kana. + +An' one o'th' wimmen coom wi' a dishclaat an' wiped it off, for shoo sed +'it wor far to handsome a statty for sich a skinflint as him, as +flaysome as it wor.' + +Then Jacob gate on to th' tub agean an' ax'd who'd stand a gallon to +have their name put on, but they all sed they wor hard up an' couldn't +affoord owt, soa thear it stands, an' th' first chap 'at'll pay for a +gallon o' ale con have his name put on whether he's a subscriber or net. + +Ther's a chonce for some o' yo 'at wants a statty. + + + + +Owd Dawdles. + + +Ther's a deeal o' tawkin abaat owd-fashioned kursmisses, an' my belief +is 'at moor nor one hauf 'at tawk or write abaat 'em know nowt but what +they've heeard or read. Aw'm gien to understand 'at a owd-fashioned +kursmiss wor one whear iverything we admire an' think comfortable wor +despised, an' iverything we have a fear on wor sowt after. Awm net sewer +whether ther wor ivver an owd-fashioned kursmiss withaat a snowstorm, +but aw should think net; but as aw have to tell yo what happened one +kursmiss when ther wor nawther frost nor snow, but when th' sun wor +shinin, an' th' fields wor lukkin as fresh an' green as if it wer May +asteead o' December, aw shall be foorced to call this a tale ov a +new-fashioned kursmiss. Kursmiss Day wor passed an' ommost forgotten, +but still th' fowk 'at live i' th' neighborhood o' Bingly or Keighly +nivver think it's ovver until th' new year's getten a start. Abaat a +duzzen sich like had been to Bradforth (as ther wives had been gien to +understand on business, but as yo'd ha fancied if yo'd seen 'em, on +pleasure), an' they'd set off to walk hooam, but they called so oft on +th' way, wol what wi' th' distance an' what wi' th' drink they wor rare +an' fain to rest thersens when they gate to th' Bingley Market Cross. It +wor a grand neet, an' th' mooin wor shinin ommost as breet as if it wor +harvest time; an' as ther purses wor empty an' ther pipes full, they +argyfied it wor a deeal moor sensible to caar thear an' have a quiet +smook nor to waste ther time in a public haase. Th' warst on it is wi' +sich like, 'at they know soa mich abaat one another an' soa little abaat +onybody else 'at it isn't oft 'at when they oppen ther maath owt new +falls aght, an' unless ther's a stranger i' th' company things are apt +to grow varry dull. + +Amang this lot 'at aw'm tellin abaat ther didn't happen to be a +stranger, an' soa th' owd tales wor tell'd ovver agean, an' altho' some +on 'em wor ommost asleep, they allus laft at th' reight spot, for if +they didn't hear a word 'at wor sed, they knew th' time when it owt to +come in. In a bit one on 'em let his pipe tummel an' mashed it all i' +bits, an' as nubdy had one to lend him, an' he'd nowt else to do, he +sed: 'Did any on yo ivver hear tell abaat Owd Dawdles?' + +'Nay,' they sed, 'they didn't know 'at they had.' + +'Why, but he wor a queer owd chap, wor Owd Dawdles, an' they didn't call +him Dawdles for nowt, soa aw'l tell yo summat abaat him wol yo finish +yor bacca. He wor a chap 'at thowt he wor full o' sense, an' th' way he +winked his left e'e after givin vent to one o' his cliver speeches, +showed plain enuff 'at whether it wor satisfactory to other fowk or net, +it wor quite soa to him. But if he hadn't a varry heigh opinion o' th' +fowk he met, yet he worn't withaat pity for 'em, an' he generally ended +up wi' sayin 'at it wor hardly reight to blame 'em for bein short o' wit +when they'd had no orderation on it. But tho' he wor varry liberal wi' +his advice, ther wor nubdy could charge him wi' bein too liberal wi' his +brass, for he'd pairt wi' nowt if he could help it; yet he'd one +waikness in his disposition, an' that wor 'at he couldn't say 'Noa' if +onybody offered to treat him. Fowk wodn't ha thowt mich abaat that if it +hadn't been for him allus draggin in his friend Michael for a share, an' +it wor weel known 'at Michael had nivver existed except in his own +imagination. If ivver he gate ax'd to a supper or a bit ova feed o' ony +sooart, he used to stuff hissen wol he wor foorced to lawse his +wayscoit, an' then if ther wor owt left, he'd say: 'If yo'll excuse me, +ther's a bit thear 'at aw should like to tak for Michael,' an' he used +to fill his pockets wi' th' best o' th' stuff, an' mony a rare blow aght +he gate aght o' what wor supposed to be Michael's share. He used to goa +to Bradforth market two or three times in a wick, an' he allus kept his +een skinned to luk aght for a bargain; an' he didn't care what it wor, +owt throo a cabbage to a cartwheel, if he could turn a penny into +three-awpence. But he didn't allus mak a gooid spec, for strange to say +ther wor other fowk 'at wor quite as wise an' even sharper nor hissen. +One day he bowt a white bull cauf, an' he wor sewer he'd getten it as +cheap as muck, an' happen he had, but haivver cheap yo buy sich a thing, +it's varry likely to cause yo some bother unless yo've somewhear to put +it. It wor a varry weet day, an' throo Bradford to Keighley is a long +walk, but ther wor nowt else for it unless he tuk it with him on th' +train, an' that ud be extra expense, soa he teed a rooap raand its neck +an' they started off. It's an' owd sayin' 'at youth will have its +fling,' an' this cauf wor detarmined to goa in for its share. Th' rooads +worn't i' th' best order, yet they mud ha' managed to wade throo but for +th' cauf seemin' to have a strong desire to find aght if Owd Dawdles +could swim, an' whenivver it coom to a pond or a puddle it gave him a +chonce to try, but like all young caufs it hadn't mich patience, an' th' +way it jurk'd him in an' aght worn't varry pleasant for one on 'em. When +they'd gooan a mile or two Dawdles wor inclined to think it would ha +been cheaper to ha taen it bi rail, to say nowt abaat th' extra comfort. +At ony rate it gave him noa troble to drive it, for it seemed to know +ivvery step o' th' rooad, an' it seem'd a deeal moor like th' cauf +takkin Dawdles nor him takkin th' cauf. He couldn't help but think 'at +it had a deeal moor strength nor sense; but altho' he tried to pity it +'coss it hadn't had th' orderation ov it's own heead, he couldn't help +blamin it for bein soa detarmined to have th' orderation o' th' way +they'd to goa. When they'd getten to th' Bull's Heead he wor ommost +finished, an' he thowt as he'd getten soa weet aghtside he'd better get +a drop in, an' as he made towards th' door th' cauf went an' backed into +th' passage, an' wodn't let him enter a yard. He tried his best to get +it to stir, but all to noa use. Wol he wor tewin with it th' landlord +wor scalin th' foir i' th' kitchen, an' he thowt he heard sumdy makkin a +noise, an' he went to see; an' when he saw Dawdles tryin to pool th' +cauf aght o' th' passage he thowt he'd help him, soa he gave it a prod +behind wi' th' foir point, an' it flew aght o' th' door as if it had +been shot aght ov a cannon, an' its heead happenin to leet i' th' middle +o' Dawdles' wayscoit, he tummeld a backard summerset, an' ligged him +daan i' th' middle o' th' rooad, an' th' cauf laup'd ovver th' wall o' +t'other side an' gallop'd away, whiskin its tail abaat as if it wanted +to cast it. Th' landlord went to see Dawdles. 'What's ta dooin thear?' +he sed. 'Aw'm waitin' wol sumdy comes to help me up,' he sed. Soa th' +landlord helpt him up, an' then sed: 'Come inside an' sit thi daan a +bit.' 'Nay, lad, aw've been i' th' Bull's Heead monny a time, but tha's +ommust sent th' bull's heead into me to-day. Ther's lots o' young caufs +come to yor haase beside yond o' mine, an' yo've a deeal o' bother wi' +'em sometimes aw know, but if yo'll just tickle up wi' th' red wut foir +point aw'll bet yo'll get shut on 'em in as little time as yo did that +o' mine. All aw wish is 'at tha wor th' cauf an' me th' landlord for +five minutes.' + +'Well, tha has dropt in for it pretty rough, an' aw think tha's getten +aboon thi share, tha mun see if tha cannot give a trifle to Michael.' + +Dawdles wodn't answer him, but set off to catch his white bull cauf, an' +after chasin it raand for a whole clock haar he gate hold o' th' rooap +another time, an' they made another start for hooam. It went varry +quietly on nah, an' th' owd chap thowt it ud be a gooid idea, as he wor +soa tired, an' as ther wor nobody abaat, to get astride on it an' have a +ride. Th' thowt had hardly entered his heead befoor it wor put into +practice, but if you could ha seen that cauf yo'd ha been fit to split. +It stood stock still for abaat a minit, an' then it started off, gently +at furst, but it kept gettin faster an' faster, wol at last it gate into +a two up an' two daan gallop, an' Dawdles began to find aght 'at altho' +veal wor a nice tender soft sooart o' mait when it wor deead, it grew on +varry hard booans when it wor wick, an' he wor twice as anxious to get +off an' walk as he had been to get up to ride. He managed to twist th' +rooap raand its heead an' he pooled for his life, but it didn't mak a +bit o' difference. 'Wo up! connot ta?' he sed, 'tha'rt as heeadstrong as +tha'rt strong i'th' heead. If ivver aw have th' orderation o' thee agean +aw'll bet aw tak some o' that nowtiness aght on thee.' He'd hardly +getten th' words aght ov his maath when, as they wor passin some +pighoils 'at stood o' th' roadside, th' cauf made a dash at th' door o' +one 'at wor nobbut just heigh enuff for it get in at, brast it oppen, +gooin in an' strippin off Dawdles, left him sittin i' th' middle o' th' +rooad, wonderin who'd hit him wi a looad o' bricks. Trubbles nivver come +singly, an' to mak matters war aght rushed a lot o' pigs 'at rolled him +ovver an' ovver wol he couldn't tell when he put up his hand whether it +wor on his heead or his hat. Th' furst thing 'at browt him to his senses +wor sumdy shakkin him an' shaatin aght, 'What business has ta to let out +my pigs? Aw'll ha thi lock'd up!' 'Maister! maister! do let me spaik! +Aw've had nowt to do wi' th' orderation o' this mullock, an' if ther's +owt lost aw'll pay for it. Hah mony wor ther? Ther's my bull cauf i' th' +pighoil an' if yo'll tak care on it for a bit aw'll goa an' see if aw +can find th' pigs.' + +Th' chap, thowt that wor fair enuff, soa he let him goa, tellin him ther +wor six on 'em, an' he must find' em all. Owd Dawdles had nivver had +sich a job in his life, it tuk him aboon an haar, an' when he coom back +it wor droppin dark. + +'Well, has ta fun 'em?' + +'Eea, they're all here.' + +'Why, whear did ta find 'em?' + +'Aw fan one together, an' two bi thersen, an' three amang one o' +Amos's.' + +'Well, that's all reight, tak thi cauf an' be off hooam. It luks a varry +nice en; it's just such a one as aw wor intendin to buy.' + +'Yo can have this at yor own price, or aw'll trade wi' yo.' + +'Nay, it luks too quiet for my brass, aw'd rayther ha one 'at's a' bit +life in it.' + +'Well, then, to be honest, aw dooan't think this will suit yo, for aw'm +blessed if aw think ther can be much life left i' this considerin what +it's let aght sin aw bowt it. Gooid neet.' + +'Gooid neet, owd chap. Cannot ta walk i' th' front an' let it suck thi +fingers? It ud be sewer to follow.' + +'Happen it wod; but th' chap aw bowt it on suckt me quite enuff withaat +lettin th' cauf suck me.' + +After that he managed to get hooam wi' it withaat ony moor mishaps. It +wor varry lat, an' all th' family wor i' bed, but he detarmined he +wodn't goa huntin up an' daan for a stable at that time o' neet, soa he +unlocked th' door an' tuk it into th' haase an' teed it fast to th' +wringin machine i' th' back kitchen, an' then he went upstairs to bed. + +'Tha'rt varry lat, Dawdles,' sed his wife, 'has ta ridden or walked?' + +'Aw walked pairt o' th' way.' + +'Has ta browt owt wi' thee?' + +'Eea, aw browt a bit o' mait an' aw've left it daan stairs.' + +He crept into bed as well as he could, an' in a minit he wor asleep. As +th' cauf had had nowt to ait nor drink all th' day it did not feel varry +oomfortable, an' in a bit it went 'B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h!' + + +'Dawdles! Dawdles!' shoo screamed, an' gave him a dig i' th' ribs 'at +made him jump agean. + +'What's th' matter wi' thee?' he sed. + +'Matter enuff! Didn't ta hear yond din? Ther's summat flaysome getten +into th' haase.' + +'Aw heeard noa din; it's thee 'at's been dreeamin.' + +'Dreeamin! Aw've nooan been dreeamin! Ger up an' see what ther is to do! +Thear's a boggard i' th' haase as sewer as aw'm here!' + +'Ne'er heed it! goa to sleep an' it'll nooan mell on thee.' + +'Sleep! Awst sleep nooan! Awst lig wakken o' purpose to listen. A'a! men +havn't a spark o' feelin! Thear, he's snoarin agean.' + +'B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h! B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h!' + +'Dawdles! Dawdles! wakken, lad; do wakken! It's th' dule hissen an' +nubdy else. A'a! whativver mun we do, an' ther hasn't one o' th' childer +been to th' Sunday schooil for a fortnit! Do get up lad, do!' + +'Aw tell thee aw shalln't get up as what it is; but aw hooap if he's +comed for onybody 'at he'll tak thee furst, an' then aw can get a bit o' +sleep.' + +'Tha'rt a brute! an' mi mother allus sed aw should find it aght! But +aw'm baan to have yond childer aght o' bed.' + +Up shoo jumpt an' went to wakken 'em, an' he wor soa worn aght 'at he +dropt off to sleep agean. Sich a hullaballoo as ther wor i' that shop +when all th' eight childer wor up, yo nivver heeard, for th' cauf kept +at it, an' ther worn't one i' th' lot dar goa to see what it wor. At +last they threw up th' chamer winder and skriked wi' all ther might. Th' +neighbours wor up in a crack, an' th' poleese coom runnin to see what +ther wor to do. + +'Ther's a boggard i' th' haase!' they cried aght. 'Do see what it is, +poleeseman, if yo pleeas.' + +But as th' door wor lockt, an' nooan on 'em dar goa daan stairs to oppen +it, ther wor noa way to do but to braik a winder pane, soa th' poleese +smashed one ank stuck his heead an' his lantern in an' lewkt all raand, +but ov coorse he could see nowt. But just as he wor baan to back aght +th' cauf gave another 'B-o-o-h!' Daan dropt his lantern inside, an' away +flew his heead aghtside, an' all th' fowk cluthered raand him an' ax'd +him what he'd seen. + +'Aw've seen nowt,' he sed, 'but aw've heeard summat.' + +One o' th' childer upstairs shaats aght, 'Aw believe it's i'th' back +kitchen.' An' away they all ran raand to see if they could see it thear. +Another poleese had come up, soa he gate his lantern an' held it cloise +to th' winder, an' ther wor sich a skrike an' a skutter as yo nivver +heeard nor saw. Ther wor noa mistak abaat it nah, for they'd all seen +it; them 'at hadn't seen th' een had seen th' horns, an' ther wor one or +two 'at declared they'd seen a tail. Then they held a long confab as to +what they'd better do, an' th' wimmen sed they thowt it wor th' duty o' +th' poleese to goa in an' tak him up whativver he wor; but th' poleese +didn't see it, for, sed one on 'em, 'If he's th' chap aw think he is he +might tak us daan wol we wor tryin to tak him up.' At last a chap says, +'Aw've a gun, let's shooit him.' They all agreed wi' that, an' he went +an' fotched his gun. Ther wor a gooid deeal o' squarin abaat when he +coom back, befoor he could get fair aim; but at last th' poleese gate +his bull's eye on th' bull's eyes. Bang! it went, an' th' boggard +disappeared. Owd Dawdles wor varry saand asleep, but when th' gun went +off he wakkened, an' wonderin what could be to do, he pooled on his +britches an' ran daan stairs an' oppened th' door just as all th' fowk +wor comin raand to try an' get in, for they hadn't a back door. + +'We've peppered him his nut whoivver he is,' sed th' poleese. + +'Peppered whose nut? What docs ta mean?' sed Owd Dawdles. + +'We've shot th' boggard i'th' back kitchen.' + +'Boggard be hang'd! Ther's noa boggard i'th' kitchen. It's nowt, nobbut +a white bull cauf! Hev yo all lost yor wit?' + +Dawdles went to see what wor th' matter an' t'others followed him; but +when they saw what a mistak they'd made, the mooast on 'em slink'd off +for fear they wud hev to pay for some o'th' damage. Dawdles wor ommost +ranty abaat it when he saw it ligged deead, but he said as little as he +could, for his furst thowt wor hah mich brass he could mak on it as it +war. 'Well,' he sed, 'it's deead enuff, soa ther's nowt for it but to +send for a butcher an' hey it killed, for aw knaw it'll be a bit ov as +nice mait as ivver wor etten.' Soa he fotched a butcher an' had it +skinned an' dressed, an' as he lukt at it he thowt it happen wodn't turn +aght so varry bad after all, an' as th' poleese paid for th' winder, an' +th' wife an' th' childer fettled up withaat sayin' a word, he decided to +be as quiet as he could an' mak th' best of his bargain. Th' fact is he +thowt it had nobbut sarved it reight, considerin' what a life it had led +him th' day befoor. After a bit o' braikfast he set off to see if he +could find a customer for it, but th' tale had flown all ovver th' +district, an' whearivver he went he gate soa chaffed abaat it wol he wor +fain to go back hooam. + +'Nah, lass,' he sed to his wife, 'aw've tried all ovver, an' aw cannot +sell a pund o' that cauf, so ther's nowt for it but to set to an ait it, +for aw'm detarmined it shalln't be wasted.' + +'Why, Dawdles, tha knows we can nivver ait it wol it's sweet.' + +'Aw dooan't care whether it's sweet or saar, it'll have to be etten, soa +tha'd better set to an' salt it, for ther isn't another aance o' mait +comes into this haase till that's etten.' + +Shoo did as shoo wor tell'd, an' shoo stew'd th' heead an' made some +cauf-heead broth, an' rare an' nice it wor. Next day they had a rooast, +an' th' childer sed they wished ther fayther'd buy another cauf when +that wor done. It went on varry weel for th' furst wick, but towards th' +end o'th' second they'd rayther ha' seen a boggard walk into th' haase +nor another piece o' that cauf walk on to th' table. But Dawdles wor as +gooid as his word, an' long befoor it wor done he declared it wor th' +cheapest mait he ivver bowt. But aitin soa mich o' one sooart o' stuff +seemed to have a strange-effect o'th' childer, for they fair seem'd to +grow gaumless an' th' hair o' ther heead stood up like a caah toppin, +an' Dawdles hissen wor terrified if one on 'em complained ov a pain i' +ther heead, for fear th' horns should be buddin'. + +'Nah, then, hah long are ta baan to praich,' sed one o'th' chaps 'at had +been lissenin' to this tale, 'does ta know 'at it's ommost twelve +o'clock?' + +'Why, nivver heed! It's th' last day i'th' year, an' we'st all have +halliday to-morn. Aw havn't tell'd yo hauf o'th' queer tricks he's +noated for yet. Did yo ivver hear tell abaat that umbrella o' his 'at he +lost at Bradforth market?' + +'Noa an' we dooan't want to hear ony moor to neet,' they sed, as they +gate up an' knockt th' ash aght o' ther pipes, 'tha's tell'd us quite +enough for a Kursmiss stoary, an' tha mun save th' rest for th' New +Year.' + +Soa they all trudged off to ther hooams to get a warm supper an' let +ther wives sympathise wi' 'em, for havin' to tramp an' tew wol past +twelve o'clock at neet to mak a bit ov a livin' for them 'at wor caar'd +warm an' comfortable at hooam. + + + + +Property Huntin'. + + +Ther's soa monny different sooarts o' fooils 'at it's hard to tell which +is th' warst, an' th' best on us do fooilish things at times. It's varry +fooilish for a young chap at's a paand a wick to live at th' rate o' +twenty-five shillin', for hahivver clivver he may be at figures he'll be +sure to find hissen in a hobble befoor long. Aw once knew a chap they +called "Gentleman Dick:" he wor nobbut a warp dresser, but to see him ov +a neet, when he wor donned up an' walking throo th' streets twirlin' his +cane, yo'd ha' taen him to be a gentleman's son at th' varry leeast. +Fowk 'at knew him sed he had to live o' mail porrige all th' wick, an' a +red yearin for a treeat on a Sunday, to enable him to get new clooas, +an', as it wor, he owed soa monny tailors' bills 'at when he heeard a +knock at th' door he allus had to luk aght o'th' chamer winder to see +who it wor befoor he dar oppen it. But whativver he had to put up wi he +nivver grummeld, an' Setterdy neet an Sundy wor th' time 'at he enjoyed +hissen to his heart's content. One day when he wor aght dooin the grand, +he met wi a young woman i'th' train gooin to Briggus, an' he showed her +soa mich attention wol shoo tuk quite a fancy to him, an' when he ax'd +her if he might see her hooam, shoo blushed an' sed shoo didn't mind if +he did. Shoo wor a varry nice lass an' dressed as grand as yo'd wish to +see an' Dick sed such nice things to her, an' shoo smiled an' luk'd soa +delighted wi him wol he hardly knew what ailed him. When they coom to +some gates leeadin to a varry big hall shoo held aght her hand to bid +him gooid-bye, for shoo sed, 'I'm at home now.' Dick begged hard on her +to promise to meet him agean, an' at last it wor arranged shoo'd see him +next Sundy neet on th' canal bank at Brookfooit. All th' next wick +Dick's mates couldn't tell what to mak on him; he gave ovver singin' +'Slap Bang' an' 'Champagne Charlie,' an' tuk to practisin' 'Gooid-bye, +Sweetheart' an' 'Bonny Jean,' an' whenivver he'd a minit or two to spare +he wor scrapin' his finger nails or twistin' th' two or three hairs 'at +he wor tryin to coax into a mustash. Sundy coom at last, an' what wi +curlin' his hair, an' practisin' all sooarts o' nods an' bows i'th' +front o'th' lukkin'-glass it filled up th' furst pairt o'th' day. He +started off i' gooid time an' wor at th' meetin' place to a minit, an' +shoo worn't long after him. + +It's a gooid job at happiness is short-lived, for if his had lasted long +he'd ha gooan cleean off th' side. Ivvery Sundy neet he tuk her for a +walk, an' what delighted him moor nor all wor to find 'at shoo worn't a +bit stuck up--real ladies nivver are. He gate to know 'at her name wor +Matilda, an' 'at shoo wor nobbut twenty-five year old, an' had two nice +little properties ov her own, an' he tell'd her 'at he had a share in a +big consarn, an' after they'd met an' walked an' tawk'd a few times he +began ta be varry anxious for her to name th' happy day. Shoo made a lot +o' excuses an' sed shoo didn't know what her father 'd say, but Dick +sooin showed her 'at it wor a varry easy thing ta manage it withaht +lettin' him know, an' he begged soa hard wol, after a deeal o' sobbin' +an' gettin' him to sware 'at he'd allus love her as weel as he did just +then, an' 'at come what wod he'd nivver forsake her, shoo gave her +consent. + +When Dick bid her gooid neet an' had watched her in at th' gate, he +couldn't help turnin' raand an' smilin' at th' idea 'at in a few days +he'd be son-in-law to a gentleman 'at lived i' sich a style as that. +Ther wor nowt for it but to be wed bi licence, an' hah to get th' brass +Dick couldn't tell, but at last he detarmined to tell one ov his +shopmates all abaht it, an' ax him to advance him twenty paand, to be +paid back as sooin as he gate th' properties. Th' chap agreed to let him +have it if he'd give him five paand for interest, an' th' bargain wor +sooin struck. Dick lost noa time i' gettin' th' licence, an' they met +one mornin' an' went to th' church, an' wor teed as fast as th' law +o'th' land could do it. He didn't know what shoo'd say when he tuk her +to his hooam, for it wor nobbut a haase an' chamer an' varry little +furnitur, tho' he'd fettled it up an' made it lewk as smart as he could. +They went to a public-haase to ther dinner, an' then they tuk a long +raand abaat way hooam, an' as they kept callin' for a refresher it wor +neet when they landed. + +As sooin as ivver they entered th' door he began to mak all sooarts o' +excuses abaat it bein' humble, but shoo stopt him in a minit, for shoo +sed 'shoo didn't care hah little it wor soa long as shoo wor th' +mistress, for shoo'd getten reight daan stall'd o' sarvice.' 'Why,' he +sed, 'tha knaws nowt abaat sarvice Matilda, dear?' 'Aw should think aw +owt to do,' shoo sed, 'for aw've been i' place ivver sin aw could walk +ommost.' Dick stared like a throttled cat for a minit, for he couldn't +believe his awn ears. 'Aren't ta thi father's dowter?' he sed. 'Why aw +should think soa--whose dowter does ta think aw am?' 'But isn't that thi +father 'at lives i' yond big haase?' 'What are ta tawkin abaat?' shoo +sed, 'why th' chap 'at lives i' that haase is one o'th' richest chaps i' +Briggus--aw wor nobbut th' haasemaid thear--my father lives at +Salterhebble, an' hawks watter cress.' 'Why then, whear did ta get thi +two properties 'at tha tell'd me tha had?' Matilda sat daan in a cheer, +an' covered her face wi her handkertchy, an' began cryin' as if her +heart wor braikin. + +This touched Dick, for he wor ov a tender sooart, an' he did like her +after all, soa he drew his cheer to her side, an' put his arm raand her +waist an' tawk'd pratly to her an' tell'd her shoo shouldn't ha sed shoo +had 'em if shoo hadn't. 'But it's true eniff,' shoo sed; 'aw wish it +worn't, for that's what causes me to have sich an uneasy mind.' 'Why +what's th' reason on it? Is ther some daat as to who's th' reight owner? +Or is ther a morgage on 'em? Give ower freeatin', an if it's a fine day +to-morn we'll goa an' luk at 'em.' 'Ther's noa daat who belangs to 'em; +a woman has 'em aght at nurse at Sowerby Brig.' 'At nurse? At nurse? +What does ta mean? An' is that what tha ment bi thi two properties? +Tha'rt a deceitful gooid-for-nowt! To think 'at aw should wed a woman wi +two childer!' 'Why, tha didn't expect aw should have two elephans, did +ta? But tha needn't let it bother thee mich, for one 'em's a varry +little en.' 'Awst nivver be able to put mi heead aght o'th' door ageean +as long as aw live.' 'Nivver heed, lad, awl stop at hooam an' keep thee +cumpny.' 'Well, but awl tell thee, tha'll be suckt, for aw hevn't a +penny i'th' world, an' awm nowt but a warp dresser, an' cannot addle +aboon two-an'-twenty shillin' a wick, an' awm ovver heead an' heels i' +debt, soa tha'll be capt abaat that!' 'Nay awm nooan capt, coss aw knew +it all monny a wick sin, for aw made it i' mi way to mak a few +enquiries, an' if tha'rt satisfied aw am, an' ther's nubdy else owt to +do wi it.' 'Aw've getten quite enuff to satisfy me, but tha can bet thi +booits if it's ivver my luck to goa coortin ageean, awl mak it i' my way +to mak a few enquiries.' 'Well, it's allus safer but aw dooant think +tha'll ivver have th' chonce for nooan o' awr family dee young, but +here's a two-a-three paand aw've managed to save, an' it'll happen help +to pay some o' thi debts. What time is it? aw feel sleepy.' 'Aw think +it's time to lock up.' Two days after, Dick sell'd up an' they went to +America; he's been thear monny a year nah, an' th' last time aw heeard +on him he'd getten some moor properties. + + + + +Abraham's Sparrib. + + +Old Abraham wor a jolly sooart ov a chap, an' he luk'd like it, for he'd +a face ommost as big as a warmin pan, and it tuk ommost as mich stuff to +mak him a waistcoit as wod mak some chaps a suit o' clooas, an' fowk 'at +knew him varry weel sed he wor as fond ov his guts as he wor praad on +'em. Be that as it may, ther wor seldom a feed onywhear for two or three +miles raand but what Abe wor sure to be thear, an' ther wornt a place +within a day's march, whear they made a gooid meal for little brass, but +what he knew it. When he wor young he wor put 'prentice to a cook-shop, +but befoor he'd been a year th' chap failed, an' when th' bums had +fetched aat all th' bits o' furniture, the maister stood opposite young +Abe, wi tears in his een, an' he sed, 'Abraham, if tha'd been livin when +thi name-sake wor, it wod ha been a bad job for th' Israelities. Awve +tewd hard for monny a year, an' after all, awve nowt to see for it but +thee.' 'Well,' sed Abe, 'its a bitter pill, noa daat, but yo mun swallow +it as weel as yo can.' 'Swallow it! if it wor thee tha mud swallow it, +for tha's swallowed all ther wor, an thart all ther is left for mi +pains.' + +'Well, maister, yo cannot charge me wi ingratitude for awve stuck to yo +to th' last, an if yo like to start another shop, yo'll find me to +depend on.' 'Aw dooant daat thi for a minnit, lad, but to be plain wi' +thi, it'll be noa use me oppenin another shop unless tha shuts thine +up.' Soa they parted, an Abe grew into a man, an wheariver he wor fed he +didn't disgrace his pastur. At th' time awm tellin abaat he worked in a +warehaase wi two or three moor, an' one mornin when th' waggon coom ther +wor a big parcel for Abe, an' one o' thease chaps couldn't do but luk +what wor in it, an' yo may fancy ha suited they wor when they saw a side +o' sparrib. It wor sooin decided to have a lark, an' one o'th' chaps +propooased to send it to th' 'Three Doves,' wi orders to cook it for th' +supper, and to provide puttates &c. for a duzzen. Abe wornt long befoor +he coom, soa one on 'em tell'd him 'at they'd been tawkin abaat having a +bit ov a doo, an' they should be varry glad if he'd join 'em. Abe sed he +had an engagement, but he'd put it off, an' they mud expect him. + +They knew a few chums 'at could enjoy a spree an' soa they invited 'em +to mak up th' number, an' let' em into th' secret. At eight o' clock +they wor all i' ther places, an' in coom a big dish wi' this sparrib +nicely rooasted. Abe wor vooated into th' cheer to cut it up an' deeal +it aat, an' he did it wi' a willin hand. After sarvin 'em all he helped +hissen, an' it began to disappear like magic. Abe thowt he'd niver been +at sich a jolly do in his life, ivery body seemed i' sich gooid spirits, +an' they laft wol he feeared they'd chooak. He wor as jolly as ony on +'em, but he didn't let it interfere wi' his business. Come lads,' he +sed, 'pass up yor plates! let's see if we connot finish it, for awm sure +its grand.' They wornt at all backward at bein helpt a second time, and +rare gooid suppers they made. When th' aitin stuff wor sided, glasses o' +hot punch coom in, for which ivery body paid a share, an' then one o'th' +chaps propooased th' health o'th' gentleman 'at had given em' sich a +treat. Another seconded it an' it wor carried. Abraham called for th' +name, but they sed that wor a secret, but as he didn't get up to +respond, they'd be mich obliged if Abe wod do so for him. Abe wor allus +fond o' makkin a speech, soa he wor up in a minit. 'Gentlemen,' he sed, +'awm glad to see yo,--yo've done justice to what's been provided, an' +awm sure yo're varry welcome.' When he sed this ther wor sich clappin +an' stampin wol he wor foorced to drop it an' sit daan, an' he couldn't +help thinkin 'at noa speech o' his had made sich an impression befoor. + +After gettin warmed up wi punch, he tell'd 'em 'at he expected some +sparrib comin th' next day, an' it had been his intention to mak a bit +ov a doo an' invite 'em all, but as they'd had sich a supper that neet, +he knew they wodn't enjoy another off th' same sooart o' mait, soa he +shouldn't ax 'em. They all sed they'd had enuff for a week, but they +thanked him all th' same, an' after singing 'For he's a jolly gooid +fellow,' they went hooam.--Next day Abraham wor lukkin aght for his +sparrib, but it didn't come, an' day after day he wor disappointed, an +as th' chaps laft ivery time he mentioned it, a thowt began to creep +into his noddle, 'at he'd been done.--He niver grumbled, but he's takken +care to have his parcels 'livered at hooam sin then. + + + + +A Run ovver th' Year. + + +"A gooid beginin maks a gooid endin," fowk say, soa let's mak a gooid +beginnin o'th year. But aw dooant altogether agree wi' thease old +sayins, for aw've known monny a gooid beginnin 'at's come to a fearful +bad endin, an' my advice to ony body 'at's startin owt is, niver crow +till th' finish. Aw once heeard tell ov a young woman at wor a reglar +glaid; one o' them sooart 'at nubdy could do owt wi'; tawk abaat taming +a shrew! why, net all th' shrews in Shrewsbury wor a match for her. But +a chap 'at lived net far off, thowt shoo wor a varry bonny lass, an' he +felt sure he could manage her, soa he went an' made love in his best +fashion, an' ivery time shoo call'd him a nasty offald scamp, he sed he +lov'd hur moor an' moor; soa at last shoo cooil'd daan, an' all things +were made sweet, an' befoor long they gate wed. Ov coorse they'd a few +friends to ther drinkin, an' a bit ov a donce at after, an' then a drop +o' whisky an' hot water, an' when th' husband had getten a glass or two +into him, he began to tell th' cumpany ha he'd tamed hur. 'Why,' he sed, +'aw can do owt aw like wi' her nah, shoo's as gentle as a lamb.' 'If +that's thy noation,' shoo says, 'th' sooiner tha gets shut on it an' th' +better!' Soa shoo made noa moor to do, but gave him a crack ovver th' +nooas wi' her naive, an' in abaat a minit it wor swell'd as big as a +cauf blether. He made a gurt din an' quavered abaat a bit, but it wor +noa use for shoo wor th' maister on him, an' ivver after that he let her +do as shoo liked, for he sed 'nowt suited him as mich as to see her suit +hersen.' But ther wor fowk 'at used to wink an say, 'poor beggar!' + +Th' next comes Valentine's day, an' 'On Valentine's day will a gooid +gooise lay,' is a varry old sayin, an' aw dar say a varry gooid en; an' +if all th' geese wod nobbut lay o' that day ther'd be moor chonce o' +eggs bein cheap. But it isn't th' geese we think on at th' fourteenth o' +this month, it's th' little ducks, an' th' billy dux. A'a aw wish aw'd +all th' brass 'at's spent o' valentines for one year; aw wodn't thank +th' Queen to be mi aunt. Ther's nubdy sends me valentines nah. Aw've +known th' time when they did, but aw'm like a old stage cooach, aw'm +aght o' date. Aw'st niver forget th' furst valentine aw had sent; th +pooastman browt it afoor aw'd getten aght o' bed, an' it happen'd to be +Sunday mornin. Aw read it ovver and ovver agean, an' aw luk'd at th' +directions an' th' pooast mark, but aw cudn't mak aght for mi life who'd +sent it; but whoiver it wor aw wor detarmined to fall i' love wi her as +sooin as aw gate to know. Then aw shov'd it under th' piller an' shut mi +een an' tried to fancy what sooart ov a lass shoo must be, an' someha aw +fell asleep, an' aw dremt,--but aw will'nt tell yo what aw dremt for +fear yo laaf. But when aw wakken'd aw sowt up an' daan, but nowhear +could aw find th' valentine. Aw wor ommost heart-broken, an' aw pool'd +all th' cloas off th' bed an' aw luk'd under it, an' ovver it, but net a +bit on it could aw see, an at last aw began to fancy 'at aw must ha +dremt all th' lot, an' 'at aw'd niver had one sent at all; but when aw +wor gettin' mi breeches on, blow me! if it worn't stuck fast wi a wafer +to mi shirt lap. What her 'at sent it ud a sed if shoo'd seen it, aw +can't tell, an' aw wodn't if aw could; but aw know one thing, aw wor +niver i' sich a muck sweat afoor sin aw wor born, an when aw went to mi +breakfast aw wor soa maddled wol aw couldn't tell which wor th' reight +end o'th' porridge spooin, but aw comforted misen at last wi' thinking +at aw worn't th' furst at had turned ther back ov a valentine. + +Nah, th' vally ov a thing depends oft o'th' use ov a thing; her's an old +sayin 'A peck o' March dust is worth a king's ransom,' but aw should +think 'at th' vally o'th' ransom owt to depend o'th' vally o'th' king. +It's oft capt me ha it is 'at becos one chap is son ov a king, an' +another is son ov a cart-driver, 'at one should be soa mich moor thowt +on nor tother. Noa daat we should all be sons an' dowters o' kings an' +queens if we could, but then ther'd have to be a deal moor kings an' +queens, or else they'd niver be able to keep th' stock up. Net 'at awm +findin fault wi' awr Queen, net aw marry! shoo's done her best noa daat, +an' her childer seem tryin to follow her example. But then, when princes +an' princesses get moor plentyful they'll be less thowt on; it'll be th' +same wi' them as it wor wi' th' umbrellas at one time, for th' chap 'at +had th' furst wor run after wi' ivery body, an' when ther were nobbut +two or three, fowk allus ran to th' winder to have a luk at 'em; but +whoiver runs to luk at umbrellas nah? It wor th' same wi' steam engines, +it's getten th' same wi' velosipeeds, an it'll be th' same wi' princes, +princesses, or owt else, as sooin as they get common, unless they've +summat moor to depend on nor a grand title, fowk ull tak but little +noatice. We cannot all be fine fowk, but we may all be gooid fowk, if we +try, an' a gooid cart-driver ull be better nor a bad king at th' finish. +Rich fowk ha troubles as weel as poor, but ther's noa need for onybody +to be troubled long; for if its summat they can't help its fooilish to +freeat, an' if its summat they can help, why the deuce don't they? + +Its fooilish to freeat, but fowk will freeat sometimes. Well, nivver +heed! 'April shaars bring May flowers,' soa we willn't grumel if we get +catched i' one nah an' then an' get a gooid sooaking, for ther's nowt +i'th' world bonnier nor flaars, even cauliflaars. Ther's lots o' bonny +things i'th' world besides flaars; ther's bonny words, an' if fowk wod +nobbut use 'em we should all get on a deeal better. Aw remember once +bein in a public haase, an' ther wor two chaps sat quietly suppin ther +pints o' fourpenny, when all at once one o' ther wives coom in, an her +een fair blazed when shoo saw him. 'O, soa tha'rt here are ta?' shoo +began, 'soa this is th' way th' brass gooas is it! tha nasty +gooid-for-nowt! Aw could like to smash thi face! sittin thear throo morn +to neet sossin like a pig, an' leavin me an' th' childer to do as we +con! Ha con ta fashion? Tha desarves teein to a cart tail an' hidin' +throo th' streets, tha low-lived villain! All th' time shoo wor talkin +shoo wor shakin her neive in his face, an' when he could edge in a word +he sed. 'Aw'l tell thee what it is, this is nobbut mi third pint to-day, +an' aw wor just commin hooam, but tha can hook it, for aw shall come +when aw'm ready, an net before, an' that will'nt be yet a bit.' Just wol +they wor fratchin tother chap's wife coom seekin him, an' as sooin as +shoo saw him shoo smiled an' sed, 'O, aw've fun thi, come lad, aw want +thee at hooam, awr little Jack has getten his new clogs on an' he +will'nt let me put him to bed till tha's seen 'em, tha'll be like to +come.' 'Howd a minit,' he sed, as he emptied his pint, then he went away +wi' her. Tother stopt. Soa mich for kindness. + +An' ther's moor ways nor one o' bein kind. Nah, yo've oft heeard fowk +say, 'Niver cast a claot till May goas aght.' That's all varry gooid as +far as regards top coits an' flannel shirts an sich like. But ther's +another thing, its just abaat th' time for fowk to get new clooas an' +throw off th' old ens; an' aw've a word or two to say abaat that, for +ther's some poor fowk aw see sometimes 'at cannot cast a claot; th' fact +is, they've nowt else to put on. Ha monny scoor fowk do we meet as we +walk abaat, 'ats hardly a rag to ther back, or aw should say they've +nowt but rags, an' that's what prevents 'em havin a chonce to addle +brass to buy ony fresh ens. Ha monny have to creep aght o'th' seet, into +ony sooart ov a low hoil, mix up wi bad compny,--first pine, then beg, +then stail--an' all this becoss they've had th' misfortun to be ragged. +If ther's one thing moor nor another 'at fowk mak a mistak in, it's +_sellin_ ther old clooas. Some may say they can't affoord to give 'em: +Then aw say, wear 'em a bit longer till yo can; ther'll somdy be +thankful for 'em after then. Ivery body can affoord to be charitable to +a certain extent, an' ther's noa charity does as mich gooid wi as little +cost as givin yor old clooas. Luk what comfort yo give a chap; then as +sooin as he sees his sen luk respectable, he begins to want to be soa, +he feels to have moor pluck, he doesn't hing daan his heead, he's a +better chonce to win a honest livin, an' yo may safely think yo've gien +a chap a lift on his way, when yo've gien him yor old clooas. + +'If the 8th of June is a rainy day, it foretells a wet harvest, so men +say,' but whether it does or it doesn't aw cannot tell: if it does we +mun mak th' best on it, that's all; but we've one bit o' comfort left +even then, for its sure to be fair at Halifax o'th' 24th. It's grand to +goa to th' Fair an' see fowk starin at th' pictures; an' its cappin to +harken to th' show fowk shaatin an' bawlin an' tellin all sooarts o' +tales to draw th' brass aght o' yor pockets. Then ther's th' swingin +booats, them's for cooarters: they're a grand institution for young +fowk, for if a chap can get his young woman to get in, he's sure of a +chonce to get his arm raand her waist, an' give her a bit of a squeeze. +Then ther's th' flyin' horses, whear a chap can get made mazy for a +penny: wheniver aw see 'em they allus remind me ov a chap aw knew; he +stood abaat six foot two in his stockin feet, an' weighed abaat six +stooan an' a hauf; an' one day he'd been poorly a bit, soa he thowt he'd +ax a friend 'at had a donkey if he'd lend it him. 'Tha can have it an' +welcome,' th' chap said, 'but aw'm feeard thi legs is too long.' 'Oh +ne'er heed that,' he sed, 'if aw find 'em to trail aw'l hold 'em up.' +Soa he gate it, an as he wor varry leet they went on nicely for a bit, +but just as he wor comin on Charlestaan, a chap stopt him to ax him what +they called that old church, soa he dropt daan his feet on to'th floor +and began to explain an' as sooin as he'd done that, th' donkey walked +away leavin him thear striddlin like a clooas peg. As sooin as he'd +finished he sed 'gie up!' an he thowt o' sittin daan; an' he did, but it +wor soa mich lower daan wol he thowt his back wor brokken; when he luk'd +raand he saw Neddy trottin up th' Haley Hill. 'Tha's tow't me a lesson,' +he sed, 'an' for th' futur, as long as iver aw can do for misen, aw'l +niver seek onybody's ass istance. + +Ther's nowt like bein independent, an mooast fowk have a chonce if +they'll nobbut 'mak hay wol th' sun shines,' an' if yo dooant mak it +then yo'll niver be able to mak it at ony other time. If yo want to mak +love, yo can mak that when th' mooin shines, but it will'nt do for hay. +Aw remember a queer tale 'at they used to tell ov a chap 'at had some +strange nooations, an' allus thowt his own way best. An' one day as some +chaps were gooin past his farm, they saw him runnin up an' daan i' th' +front o' th' lathe, wi' a empty wheelbarro, and then rush in, an' upset +it, and aght agean. 'Why,' says one, 'aw'm sure Ike must be crack'd, +whativer can he be dooin?' Soa they went to ax him. 'What's up nah Ike?' +said one, 'tha'll kill thisen if tha gooas on like that, are ta trainin +for a match or summat?' 'Yo dooant know,' sed Ike, 'but aw'l let yo into +a saycret; yo see aw'd getten all th' grass cut yesterday, an' aw +fancied it wor baan to rain, soa aw haased it just green as it wor, an' +nah aw'm wheelin sunshine in to dry it wi.' 'Well, tha'rt a bigger fooil +nor aw tuk thi for! Does ta think tha can wheel sunshine into th' lathe, +same as horse-muck?' 'Thee mind thi own business,' says Ike, 'aw should +think aw've lived long enuff to know what aw'm dooin, an' when aw want +taichin aw'll send for thee.' Soa they left him to his wheelin, but ha +long he kept at it they didn't know, but in a few days they saw him +agean an' axed him ha he fan his system to answer? An' he says 'Why, aw +dooant get on varry weel, but it is'nt th' fault o' th' system, th' fact +is, aw connot do it till aw get a bigger barro. But he wod'nt give in. +An' ther's lots o' th' same sooart. + +Perseverance is a grand thing. If it wornt for tewin, an' sewin, an' +plowin whear wod th' harvest be? An ther's noa greater blessin nor a +gooid harvest. Ther's a deal o' fowk have a harvest abaat this time. +Flaar shows reap a benefit if th' weather be fine. Ther's nowt aw like +better nor to goa to a flaar show, moor especially sich as th' Haley +Hill, Ovenden, Siddal, or Elland, or ony other, whear th' mooast o' th' +stuff has been grown bi workin fowk. Th' plants may'nt be as bonny, but +they luk bonnier to me, an' they tell a tale 'at yo cannot mistak. Ha +monny haars' enjoyment have they gien to th' fowk 'ats growin 'em? An' +ha oft have they kept chaps aght o' th' alehaase? An' then see ha praad +prize winners are! Aw allus feel sooary 'at they cannot all win th' +furst prize, for aw'm sure they desarve it for ther trouble. An' if yo +nooatice, yo're sure to see a nice cheerful woman or two, stood cloise +aside o'th' plants 'at's wun owt, an' if yo wait a bit yo'll see her +ivery nah an' then, touch somdy o'th' elbow as they're gooin past, an' +point at th' ticket an' say, 'sithee, them's awr's!' 'What them 'at's +won th' prize?' 'Eea.' 'Why they're grand uns!' An' then shoo'l whisper +in her ear, 'Ther's nubdy can touch aw'r Simon 'at growin thease, tha +sees he understands it.' A'a Simon! shoo's a deeal o' faith i' thee, an' +if tha's made muck wi thi clogs sometimes when tha's trailed in withaat +wipin thi feet, shoo forgives thi nah. Wimmen's varry soft after all an' +its as weel it is soa, for ther's monny a gooid harvest a' happiness +been gethered in at wod ha been lost but for a soft word or two. + +Another old sayin', 'September blow soft, till the fruit's i'th' loft,' +for if strong winds blow nah it'll spoil all th' apples an' stuff, an' +it'll be soa mich war for fowk 'at has to addle ther livin for whativer +else fowk differ abaat, aw think they're all agreed o' one point, an' +that is, ther's noa livin long withaat aitin. But it's hard wark gettin +a livin nah days, an' them 'at's comfortably off owt to be thankful. But +it's cappin i' what queer ways some fowk do get a livin! Aw knew a chap +once 'at stood abaat seven feet, an' he wor soa small he luk'd like a +walkin clooas prop. Talk abaat skin and grief! aw niver did see sich a +chap, an' his face luk'd to be all teeth an' een. He used to waive a bit +at one time, but he gate seck'd becos his maister catched him asleep in +a stove pipe. But one day he wor wanderin abaat, an' wonderin ha to get +a livin, an' in a bit a chap comes up to him, an' says, 'Does ta want a +job?' 'Aw do that, can yo find me one, maister?' he sed. 'Well,' says +th' chap, 'tha'rt just th' lad 'at aw want if tha'll goa, for aw keep a +druggist's shop at Sowerby Brig, an' if tha'll stand i'th' winder an' +flay fowk into fits as they goa past, aw'll gie thee a paand a wick.' +'It's a bargain,' he sed, 'an' he went wi' him, an' aw've been tell'd +'at that druggist made a fortun i' twelve months wi nowt but sellin fit +physic. Whether that's true or net aw will'nt say, but aw'm sure ther's +some fowk at Sowerby Brig 'at dooant seem altogether reight even yet. + +An' its hardly to be wondered at, for one hauf o'th' fowk we meet i'th' +streets on a neet, seem to be druffen. Aw hear some queer tales +sometimes, but aw dooant tell all aw know. 'Ale sellers shouldn't be +tale tellers.' But aw'm sooary to say at th' mooast ale sellers at' aw +know are varry fond o' taletellin. Ther's nowt shows a chap's littleness +as mich as to be allus talkin abaat his own or somdy else's private +affairs; an' ther's nowt likely to produce moor bother nor that system +o' tittle tattlin abaat other fowk's consarns. Ther's a deal o' blame +ligg'd o' th' wimmen sometimes, for gossipin ovver a sup o' rum an' tea: +an' noa daat its true enuff, but aw think some o' th' men hav'nt mich +room to talk, for they gossip as mich ovver ther ale as ivver wimmen do +ovver ther tea. Little things 'at's sed in a thowtless way sometimes +cause noa end o' bother, an' it's as weel to be careful for ther's +trouble enuff. A chap an' his wife 'at lived neighbors to me, had a word +or two one neet, an' soa shoo went up stairs to sulk; an' when he sat +daan to his supper he thowt he'd have her on a bit, soa he cut all th' +mait off a booan, an' then he sed to' his oldest lass. 'Here, Mary! Tak +this up stairs to thi mother an' tell her 'at thi father has sent her a +booan to pick.' Th' lass tuk it up to her mother an' tell'd her 'at her +father'd sent it, an' as sooin as shoo saw it, shoo says, 'Tak it him +back, an' tell him 'at he isn't thi father, an' that'll be a booan for +him to pick.'--An' it wor an' all, an' it's stuck in his throit to this +day, soa yo see what bother that's caused. + +It's nivver wise to be rackless naythur i' word nor deed, for whativver +yo plot an plan agean other fowk it's ommost sewer to roll back on +yorsens an' trap yor tooas if it does nowt else; 'Fowk 'at laik wi' fire +mun expect a burn.' An soa all yo 'at intend to keep up Gunpaader plot +munnot grummel if yo get warmed a bit. But gunpaader plot isn't th' only +plot 'at gets browt to a finish this month; ther's lots o' plottin an' +planin besides that. Ther's monny a chap 'at's been langin for a year or +two to be made a taan caancillor 'at's been havin all his friends to +ther supper, an' 'at for th' last month or two has been stoppin fowk 'at +he's met, an' shakin hands wi 'em, an' axin all abaat ha ther wives an' +childer are gettin on, tho' he's passed th' same fowk monny a hundred +times befoor an' nivver spokken to 'em at all. It's all plottin. A'a +this little bit o' pride! A'a this desire to be summat thowt on! Aw +dooant know ha we should get on withaat it! Ther's a gooid deeal o' +califudge i'th' world after all, but aw dooant think it does mich harm, +for mooast fowk can see throo it. But it allus maks me smile when aw goa +to a ward meetin, an' hear furst one an' then another get up an' thank a +caancillor for dooin soa mich for 'em, an' prayin 'at he'll suffer +hissen to be re-elected; when at th' same time they know 'at he's ready +to fall ov his knees to beg on 'em to send him agean. Well, aw dooant +know why a chap shouldn't be thanked for dooin that 'at's a pleasure to +hissen an' a benefit to others! It's nobbut th' same as me writin this, +it suits me to write it, an' it suits others to read it, yet aw think +aw'm entitled to some thanks after all. + +But one munnot expect to get all they're entitled to, an' its a jolly +gooid job we dooant, for if we did ther'd be a lot on us 'at ud have to +be burried at th' public expense. We're nooan on us too gooid, but 'It's +niver too late to mend,' an' it's niver too sooin to begin, soa nah 'at +we've getten to th' end ov another year, let us carefully reckon up an +see ha we stand. Aw fancy we shall all find 'at ther's lots o' room for +improvement yet, an' ther's nowt at yo can do 'at's likely to give yo +moor satisfaction nor to detarmine to do better for th' future. A chap's +allus awther better or war at th' end o'th' year nor what he wor at th' +beginnin, an aw'm sure iverybody'll feel pleased to know at they're all +o'th' mendin hand. It's a pity to think ivery time Christmas comes raand +'at ther's soa mony fowk 'at will'nt be able to have a merry un. Aw'm +sooary it is soa, an' aw wod help it if aw could. Ther's nubdy enjoys a +bit ov a spree better nor aw do, but ther's one thing aw dooant like, an +that is to be pestered off my life booath at hooam an abroad wi fowk +commin an sayin, 'Aw wish yo a merry Christmas an' a happy New Year,' +when all th' time aw know weel enuff they wish nowt at sooart, but just +come for what they can get. Nah if sich-like wod nobbut come an' say +plain aght, 'we come to see what yo'll give us, an' we dooant care a +button whether yo've a merry Christmas or net,' why, then yo'd know what +to mak on 'em. Ony body at's ony gooid wishes to give, let 'em give 'em, +but aw'm blow'd if aw care to buy' em, becoss they arn't genuine at's to +sell. Th' price may be low enuff--a glass o' whisky or a shillin, but +unless they come free gratis, for nowt, aw'd rather net be bothered wi' +'em. Shoolers, please tak nooatice. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorksher Puddin', by John Hartley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHER PUDDIN' *** + +***** This file should be named 18175-8.txt or 18175-8.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/1/7/18175/ + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** + diff --git a/18175-8.zip b/18175-8.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..be11606 --- /dev/null +++ b/18175-8.zip diff --git a/18175-h.zip b/18175-h.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..a9a8ef6 --- /dev/null +++ b/18175-h.zip diff --git a/18175-h/18175-h.htm b/18175-h/18175-h.htm new file mode 100644 index 0000000..21ad48c --- /dev/null +++ b/18175-h/18175-h.htm @@ -0,0 +1,14769 @@ +<!DOCTYPE HTML PUBLIC "-//W3C//DTD HTML 4.01 Transitional//EN"> +<html> +<head> + + <meta http-equiv="Content-Type" content="text/html; charset=us-ascii"> + <title>The Project Gutenberg eBook of Yorksher Puddin' +by John Hartley</title> + + +</head> + + +<body> + +<pre> + +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorksher Puddin', by John Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Yorksher Puddin' + A Collection of the Most Popular Dialect Stories from the + Pen of John Hartley + +Author: John Hartley + +Release Date: May 8, 2006 [EBook #18175] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ISO-8859-1 + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHER PUDDIN' *** + + + + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + + + + + + + +</pre> + +<h1 style="text-align: center;">Yorksher Puddin'</h1> + +<div style="text-align: center;">A collection of the most +popular +dialect stories<br> + +</div> + +<div style="text-align: center;">From the pen of John +Hartley. Born 1839 Died 1915.<br> + +</div> + +<p style="text-align: center;">Author of "Yorkshire +ditties," "Clock Almanack," "Seets i' london," etc.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"This life, sae far's I +understand,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">is an enchanted fairy +land,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 2em;">where pleasure is the +magic wand, that weilded right,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">maks hours like minutes, +hand in hand dance by fir' light."</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 26em;"><i>Burns</i>.</span><br> + +<p>The Copyright of this Book is entirely the property of W. +Nicholson and +Sons, and no one will be allowed to print any portion of it without +their permission.</p> + +<p>Preface</p> + +<p>The numerous applications for the productions of Mr. Hartley's +pen, the +majority of which have been out of print for many years, warrants us in +believing that this collection of Yorkshire Stories, will be welcomed +to +a large circle of his admirers.</p> + +<p>Dedication</p> + +<p>To my Dear Sister Hannah, to whose love and motherly care I +owe more +than I can ever repay, I dedicate this little book as a token of +sincere +affection. John Hartley Christmas 1876.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Contents" id="Contents"></a>Contents</h2> + +<!-- Autogenerated TOC. Modify or delete as required. --><br> + +<p> +<a href="#Frozen_to_Death"><b>Frozen to Death</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Pill_Jims_Progress_Wi_Johns_Bunion"><b>Pill +Jim's Progress Wi' Johns Bunion.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Moravian_Knights_Entertainment"><b>Moravian +Knight's Entertainment.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Sperrit_Rappin"><b>Sperrit Rappin.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Thers_a_Mule_I_th_Garden"><b>Ther's a Mule +I' th' Garden.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#A_Neet_at_Widups_Rest"><b>A Neet at +"Widup's Rest."</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Tinklin_Tom"><b>Tinklin' Tom.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Th_New_Schooil_Booard"><b>Th' New Schooil +Booard.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Tha_Caps_me_Nah"><b>Tha Caps me Nah!</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Nay_Fer_Sewer"><b>Nay Fer Sewer!</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Th_Battle_o_Tawkin"><b>Th' Battle o' +Tawkin.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Owd_Tommy"><b>"Owd Tommy."</b></a><br> + +<a href="#It_Mud_ha_been_War"><b>It Mud ha' been War.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Ha_a_Dead_Donkey_Towt_a_Lesson"><b>Ha a +Dead Donkey Towt a Lesson.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#One_Two_Three"><b>One, Two, Three.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Sammy_Bewitched"><b>Sammy Bewitched.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Hard_to_Pleeas"><b>Hard to Pleeas.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Ratcatchin"><b>Ratcatchin'.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Owd_Moorcock"><b>Owd Moorcock.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Peace_Makkin"><b>Peace Makkin.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Awr_Emma_A_False_Alarm"><b>Awr +Emma—A False Alarm.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Niver_Judge_by_Appearances"><b>Niver Judge +by Appearances.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Mi_First_Testimonial"><b>Mi First +Testimonial.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Five_Paand_Nooat"><b>Five Paand Nooat.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Silly_Billy"><b>Silly Billy.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Put_up_wi_it"><b>Put up wi' it.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#A_Queer_Dream"><b>A Queer Dream.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#The_Mystery_of_Burts_Babby"><b>The Mystery +of Burt's Babby</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Mak_th_best_ont"><b>Mak th' best on't.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Mrs_Spaiktruths_Pairty"><b>Mrs +Spaiktruth's Pairty.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Why_Tommy_isnt_a_Deacon"><b>Why Tommy +isn't a Deacon.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#One_Amang_th_Rest"><b>One Amang th' Rest.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Whats_yor_Hurry"><b>What's yor Hurry?</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Ha_Owd_Stooansnatchs_Dowter_gate_Wed"><b>Ha +Owd Stooansnatch's Dowter gate Wed.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Th_New_Railrooad"><b>Th' New Railrooad.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Mose_Harts_Twelvth_Mess"><b>Mose Hart's +Twelvth Mess.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Th_Hoil-ith-Hill_Statty"><b>Th' +Hoil-i'th'-Hill Statty.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Owd_Dawdles"><b>Owd Dawdles.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Property_Huntin"><b>Property Huntin'.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#Abrahams_Sparrib"><b>Abraham's Sparrib.</b></a><br> + +<a href="#A_Run_ovver_th_Year"><b>A Run ovver th' +Year.</b></a></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Frozen_to_Death" id="Frozen_to_Death"></a>Frozen +to Death</h2> + +<p>Or the Cottage on the Hill.</p> + +<p>A Christmas Story.</p> + +<p>CHAPTER I.</p> + +<p>The last strain of the grand old Christmas hymn had just been +warbled +forth from the throats and hearts of a number of happy folks, who were +seated around the blazing log one Christmas eve; and on the face of +each +one of that family circle the cheering light revealed the look of +happiness; the young—happy in the present, and indulging in +hopeful +anticipations for the future; the old,—equally happy as the +young, and +revelling in many a darling memory of the past.</p> + +<p>"Come, Uncle John!" said a bright-eyed, flaxen-haired beauty, +over whose +head not more than ten Christmas days had passed,—"Come, +uncle, <i>do</i> +tell us a story; you know that we always expect one from you."</p> + +<p>"Well, my pretty little niece," he replied, "I fear that I +have +exhausted all my store of ghosts and hobgoblins, and if I tell you a +story now, it must be from the cold, stern world of fact, which, I +fear, +will be less interesting to you than the romantic fictions I have +rehearsed on former occasions."</p> + +<p>"Oh dear, no! tell us a story, a true story—we shall +be all the more +delighted to know that we are listening to an account of what has +really +occurred. Do begin at once, please".</p> + +<p>Knocking the ashes from the bowl of his pipe, and having +carefully +reared it against the hob, he commenced:—</p> + +<p>"The factory bells had just ceased ringing, and the whistles +had given +out their last shrieks, like the expiring yells of some agonized demon, +as the old church clock drowsily tolled the hour of six, on one of the +most miserable of December mornings. High on a bleak hill stood a +little +whitewashed cottage, from the door of which issued two children, +apparently about ten years of age. As they stept into the cold morning +air they shuddered, and drew their scanty garments closer around them.</p> + +<p>"Nah, yo'll ha' to luk sharp! yond's th' last +whew!—yo've nobbut +fifteen minutes," cried a voice from within.</p> + +<p>It was with great difficulty that the little couple succeeded +in +reaching the high road, for the ground was covered with ice, on which a +continual sleet fell, and the wind, in fitful blasts, howled about +them, +threatening at almost every step to overthrow them. But they had no +time +to think of these things; slipping and running, giving each other all +the aid in their power, they pressed on in the direction of the +factory—the fear of being too late over-whelming every other +consideration.</p> + +<p>"Come on, Susy!" said the little lad, whom we should take to +be the +older of the two. "Come on, we shall niver be thear i' time; come on! +stand up! tha hasn't hurt thi, has ta?" he said, as she fell for the +third time upon the slippery pavement.</p> + +<p>Tenderly he helped her to rise, but poor Susy had hurt +herself, and +although she strove to keep back her tears and smother her sobs, Tom +saw +that she had sustained a severe injury.</p> + +<p>"Whisht!" he said, "tha munnot cry; whear ar ta hurt? Come, +lain o' me, +an' aw'l hug thi basket."</p> + +<p>"O, Tom, aw've hurt mi leg—aw cannot bide to goa any +farther; tha'd +better leave me, for aw'm sure we'st be too lat."</p> + +<p>"Happen net—tha'll be better in a bit,—put +thi arm raand mi shoulder, +tha'rt nobbut leet; aw could ommost hug thi if it worn't soa slippy. +Sup +o' this tea, si thee, it's warm yet, an' then tha'll feel better: an' +if +we are a bit too lat, aw should think they'll let us in this mornin'."</p> + +<p>Susy drank of the tea, and, revived by its warmth, she made +another +attempt to pursue her way. But it was slow work; Tom did his best to +help her, and tried to cheer her as well as he could, though now an' +then a tear fell silently from his eyes, for his little fingers were +numbed with cold, and he felt the rain had already penetrated to his +skin, and the dreadful prospect of being late, and having to remain in +the cold for two hours, was in itself sufficient to strike dread into +the heart of one older and stronger than he. Even the watchman as he +passed, turned his light upon them for a moment, and sighed. It was no +business of his,—but under his waterproof cape there beat a +father's +heart, and he murmured as he paced the solitary street, "Thank God, +they +arn't mine."</p> + +<p>But we must leave them to pursue as best they can, their +miserable way, +whilst we return to have a glance at the occupants of the cottage from +which we saw them start. It is a one storied building, with but one +room +and a small out-kitchen; in one corner is a bed, on which is laid a +pale, emaciated young man, to all appearance not yet thirty years of +age: he is asleep, but from the quick short breath, it is not difficult +to infer that his best days are over. In another corner, a number of +boxes are arranged so as to extemporize a bed, now unoccupied, but from +which the two little factory-workers have but lately arisen. A jug of +herb tea is on the table. The fire is very low, and the light from it +is +only sufficient to render all indistinctly visible. In a chair opposite +is a young woman with such a mournful, careworn face, that a glance +inspires you with sorrow; and from a bundle of clothes on her knee +issues the fretful wail of a restless child. The monotonous tick of an +old clock is the only sound, saving the longdrawn sigh of that young +mother, or the quick, hollow breathing of the sleeping man. Now and +then +the wind whistles more shrilly through the crevices of the door, and +the +rain beats with greater force against the little window. The mother +draws still nearer to the few red embers, and turns a timid glance to +the window and then to the bed: another sigh, and then the overburdened +heart overflows at her eyes, and the large bright drops fall quickly on +that dearly loved infant.</p> + +<p>The church clock chimes a quarter after six—this +rouses the mother once +more to set aside her own griefs; the wind still howls, and the rain +beats with unabated fury against the glass: her thoughts are of those +little ones, and a tremor passes over her as she fears lest they should +be shut out. The man moves wearily in his bed, and opening his eyes, he +looks towards his wife. She is at his side in an instant.</p> + +<p>"Have they gooan, Bessy?" he asks.</p> + +<p>"Eea, they've gooan, an' aw hooap ther thear before nah."</p> + +<p>"It saands vary wild. We ne'er thowt it ud come to this twelve +year sin, +Bess,—an' it's all along o' me!"</p> + +<p>"Nay, Jim, tha munnot say soa—tha knows we can nooan +on us help bein +poorly sometimes, but when spring comes tha'll pick up thi crumbs +agean, +an' things 'll be different."</p> + +<p>"That's true, lass,—aw feel that's +true—things <i>will</i> be different +when spring comes, an' afoor it comes, aw'm feeard. Has ta iver been i' +bed to-neet?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, aw couldn't come to bed, 'coss th' child wor cross, but +aw've +slept a bit i' th' cheer: dooant thee bother, aw'l look after mi sen. +Will ta have a sup o' this teah?"</p> + +<p>"Whisht!" he said, "that's awr Susy callin, aw'm sure it is! +Oppen th' +door!"</p> + +<p>She flew to oppen th' door, and the storm rushed in with fury; +the snow +had begun to fall thickly: she strained her eyes and called, "Susy! +Susy!" but she heard no response: yet her heart misgave her, for the +thoughts of her darlings being exposed to such a storm made her +shudder; +but necessity knows no law, and on the slender earnings of these two +children depended the subsistence of herself and husband.</p> + +<p>"Aw think tha wor mistakken, Jim: aw con see nowt," she said, +as she +returned and closed the door.</p> + +<p>"Well, happen aw wor; but it's a sorry mornin to turn aght two +little +lambs like them. Bessy," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper, "aw +know aw'm i'th' gate,—aw con do nowt but lig i' bed, an' aw +know 'at +thee an' th' childer have to goa short mony a time for what aw get, but +it willn't be for long. Dooant rooar! tha knows it's summat 'at we've +nowt to do wi; an' tha heeard what th' parson said, 'Ther's One aboon +at +'ll work all things together for gooid,' an' aw feel my time's commin' +varry near; but aw'm nooan freetened like aw used to be; aw think it's +gooin to be a change for th' better—an' He'll luk after thee +an' th' +little ens."</p> + +<p>"O! Jim! tha munnot talk abaght leavin us yet; tha'll be +better in a +bit."</p> + +<p>"Niver i' this world, Bessy! Come, put thi heead o' th' pillow +here +beside me, aw think aw want to rest."</p> + +<p>She placed the little babe upon the coverlet, laid her head +upon the +pillow, and worn out with watching, she wept herself asleep.</p> + +<p>The church clock had chimed the half-hour before Tom and his +little +sister landed at the mill yard, and it was closed. The storm was still +raging, but to his repeated entreaties for admission the same answer +was +returned, "Tha'rt too lat! tha connot come in afoor th' braikfast." +Experience had taught him how vain his endeavours would be to obtain +admission; and had it been himself alone that was shut out, he would +have gone quietly away and spent the time as best he might; but he felt +emboldened by the responsibility that was upon him on his sister's +account, and he redoubled his efforts, but the timekeeper was +inexorable:—"My orders iz, az nubdy mun come in after a +quarter past, +an' if tha doesn't goa away aw'l warm thi Jacket for thi; tha should ha +come i' time same as other fowk." Poor Tom! there had still lingered +some little faith in the goodness of human nature in his breast, but as +he turned away, the last spark died out. To attempt to go home he knew +would be useless, and therefore he sought as the only alternative, some +place where he might find shelter. At a short distance from the gate, +but within the sound of the whirling wheels, he sat down with his +uncomplaining sister upon his knee. The snow began to fall gently at +first, and he watched it as the feathery flakes grew larger and larger. +He did not feel cold now; he wrapped his little scarf around his +sister's neck. The snow fell still thicker: he felt so weary, so very +weary; his little sister too had fallen asleep on his +breast;—he laid +his head against the cold stone wall, and the snow still fell, so +softly, so very gently, that he dozed away and dreamed of sunny lands +where all was bright and warm: and in a short time the passer-by could +not have told that a brother and sister lay quietly slumbering there, +wrapped in their shroud of snow.</p> + +<p>The hum of wheels has ceased; the crowd of labourers hurry out +to their +morning's meal; a few short minutes, and the discordant whistles again +shriek out their call to work. Tom and Susy, where are they? The gates +will soon be closed again!</p> + +<p>Well, let them close! other gates have opened for those little +suffering +ones. The gates of pearl have swung upon their golden hinges; no harsh +voice of unkind taskmaster greets them on their entrance, but that +glorious welcome.</p> + +<p>"Come, ye blessed!" and their unloosed tongues join in the +loud +"Hosannah."</p> + +<p>But those pearly gates are not for ever open. The time may +come when +those shall stand before them unto whom the words, "Inasmuch as ye did +it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me," shall sound +the death-knell of all hopes throughout an inconceivable eternity.</p> + +<p>CHAPTER II.</p> + +<p>It is night, and the wind is sighing itself away. The snow has +ceased to +fall, and the moon looks down upon the hills in their spotless +covering, +shedding her soft, mild light upon all. The little cottage on the hill +side would be imperceptible, were it not for the light that streams +through the window and the open door. The church clock has just struck +eight, and for nearly an hour a woman has stood looking towards the +town, her anxiety increasing every moment. She listens to the sound of +feet on the crisp snow—they come nearer—they are +opposite the turn +that leads to the cottage: but they pass on. Again and again she +listens:—once or twice she fancies she sees two children in +the +distance—but they come not. Passersby become less frequent; +again the +church clock chimes, and all is still. Her husband and her babe are +asleep. Quickly putting on her bonnet and shawl, she runs to her +nearest +rleighbour to ask if she will sit with them until she returns, for she +must go and learn how it is that her children have not come home. She +fears no denial, and she meets with none; as soon as she has stated her +case, the good woman replies, "Sit wi' 'em lass! aw'm sure aw will! an' +thee," she said, turning to her husband, "put on thi hat an' coit an' +goa wi' her."</p> + +<p>"O, they're nobbut laikin at snowball, or else slurrin a bit," +he +said;—at the same time he put on his hat and coat, and showed +as +much alacrity to join in the search as the mother herself.</p> + +<p>Owd Becca thrust into her capacious pocket a tea cake and two +eggs, and +taking the teapot into which she put a good supply of tea, she prepared +for starting off; but suddenly recollecting herself, she returned and +called in loud tones to her daughter: "Sarah I get that sucking bottle, +an' fill it wi' milk for th' little en, an' nah, if yo two 'll nobbut +bring th' childer back, aw'l see 'at all gooas on reight at hooam."</p> + +<p>Bessy began to express her thanks, but Becca was determined +not to hear +her, and drowned all she said in exhorting her husband to "luk sharp." +Bessy and Old Abe directed their steps to the factory, but often paused +to ask passers-by if they had seen the two lost ones, but as there had +so many children passed whose outward appearance corresponded with +theirs of whom they were in search, they thought it best to go at once +to the works and ascertain at what time they left.</p> + +<p>Bessy's heart misgave her as she knocked at the gatekeeper's +house; an +indefinable dread came over her, and she scarce knew how to state her +case. Little did she think that within sound of her voice lay the dear +objects of her search; hundreds of feet had passed them during the day, +but none had disturbed them; the whistles had screamed for them in +vain, +for they had gone to that lasting "rest prepared for the weary and +heavy +laden." From the gatekeeper they learned that the two had arrived too +late in the morning and gone away somewhere, but had not returned or +been seen afterwards. Bessy stood transfixed for a moment, scarce +knowing what to do, but Old Abe could look at the case more calmly; and +taking hold of her hand, he led her gently away, and proceeded +forthwith +to the police station, where he gave as full an account and as correct +a +description of the missing ones as he was able. It took but a short +time +to accomplish this much, but the journey homewards was not so speedily +performed. Every dark corner was explored, and every alley and by-lane +had to be traversed, and the morning was far advanced when they reached +home after their unsuccessful search.</p> + +<p>The husband and babe were still sleeping, for Becca had +ministered to +all their wants. She had buoyed herself with the hope that they would +be +successful: but when she saw them return alone, her spirits sank as low +as those of the mother, and although she was silent, yet the frequent +application of the apron to her eyes showed that she felt as a mother +for one so sorrowfully placed.</p> + +<p>Promising to "luk in i' th' morn'," they left the disconsolate +Bessy +to her grief.</p> + +<p>Who shall attempt to describe the anguish of that bereaved +parent? +Statuelike she sat, nursing a sorrow too deep for tears. Hours passed, +and the first faint streak of dawn found her still sitting, with her +eyes intently fixed on vacancy. Her husband's voice was the first thing +that roused her from the state of despondency into which she had sunk. +He spoke with difficulty, and his voice was feeble as a child's. +"Bessy," he gasped, "tha munnot leave me ony moor. It's drawin varry +near. Awr little Tom an' Susy have been here wol tha's been off; aw +heeard 'em calling for me, but aw could'nt goa until aw'd had a word +wi' +thee. Aw'm feeard tha'll tak it hard, lass, but if tha finds tha cannot +bide it, ax th' parson to tell thee what he tell'd to me, an' it'll +comfort thee." Bessy was unable to reply. Sorrows had been heaped upon +her so heavily that her feelings were benumbed; she scarcely +comprehended what was said, but in the bitterness of her soul she fell +upon her knees and sobbed—"Lord, help me!"</p> + +<p>Her husband feebly took her hand and drew her towards him. "He +will help +thee, lassie, niver fear. One kiss, Bessy; gooid bye! Tom! +Susy!—It's +varry dark.—Aw think aw want to sleep."—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"And ere that hour +departed.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All death reveals, he +knew."</span><br> + +<p>CHAPTER III.</p> + +<p>A change had taken place in the atmosphere since Bessy and Abe +had +returned. Here and there green patches could be seen on the hill side, +and the distant town presented a view of smoke-blackened roofs that +shone, dripping with wet as the sickly' sun glanced over them. Little +or +no snow was to be found in the streets, and all the hideous sights +stood +out once more rejoicing in their naked deformities.</p> + +<p>The giant engine—the factory's heart—was +ceasing to beat once more, in +order to allow the workers time to swallow the food necessary to enable +them to bear up until noon. The gates were opened, and the crowd +swarmed +forth, but all seemed instinctively directed to a group at a short +distance, whose pallid faces reflected the ghastly sight before them. +The group soon swelled to a vast crowd. Enquiries were made on every +hand by those in the outer circle—"What is it? what is it?" +"<i>Frozen +to death.</i>" Tenderly those rough handed, rough-spoken men +raised the +death-frozen little ones. Some there were who knew them and had heard +of +their loss. It was to them an easy task to account for their deaths, +and +curses low but deep were cast on them, at whose doors the blood of +those +innocents must lie.</p> + +<p>The bodies were taken to the nearest inn to wait an inquest. +Those in +authority were quickly on the alert; whilst some who were acquainted +with the parents prepared to carry them the sorrowful +tidings.—Poor +Bessy! thy cup of bitterness is nearly full!</p> + +<p>Old Becca had come according to promise, and found Bessy laid +partially +upon the bed in a swoon, her arm around the neck of him who had been +her +faithful partner for a dozen years. She raised her, bathed her +forehead, +and used all means in her power to promote her recovery. After a short +time she was successful; and having prepared the other bed and placed +Bessy upon it, she hastily left to get some assistance.</p> + +<p>The poor have but the poor on whom they can depend in an +emergency; and +it is a blessing that the request for help to each other is rarely if +ever made in vain.</p> + +<p>She soon returned with plenty of willing hands—one +took the babe, and +others remained to perform the last sad offices to the remains of him +who had gone "a little while before." Soon the men arrived with the +mournful account of the discovery of the children, but Bessy knew it +not. God had had compassion upon her, and to save her heart from +breaking, had thrown a cloud over her reason.</p> + +<p>Silently they stood for a moment in that house of death; and +as they +turned to go, one after another placed what money each had, noiselessly +upon the table: the whole perhaps did not amount to much, but who shall +say that it was not a welcome loan to the Lord—an investment +in heaven +that should in after time yield to them an interest outweighing the +wealth of the whole world?</p> + +<p>As the day advanced, numbers gathered round the inn where the +coroner +and jury were assembled. The usual form of viewing the bodies was gone +through; and, with the exception of the girl's ancle, which was found +to +be dislocated, there appeared nothing to account for death save +exposure +to the cold.</p> + +<p>The coroner quickly summed up, and addressing the jury +said—"he did not +see how they could bring in any other verdict than 'died from natural +causes.'" With one exception all acquiesced, and this one refused to +agree to such a verdict, saying that death had been caused by unnatural +causes! At last the verdict was altered to "Found frozen to death." To +this a juryman wished to add something about arbitrary laws and +inhumanity, but he was overruled.</p> + +<p>It needed nothing now but to put them in the earth, and cover +them up.</p> + +<p>The following morning the whistles shrieked as fiercely, the +wheels went +round as merrily as ever; two other children were in the places of the +lost ones, and it was as if they had never been.</p> + +<p>The day for the funeral arrived—the father and +children were to be +interred together. There was a large gathering of sympathising friends. +Poor Bessy! had partially recovered, but seemed like one just waking +from a dream; the mournful cortege gained the church yard. The coffins +were slowly lowered into the grave. The grey-haired pastor's voice was +at times almost inaudible—every heart was touched, for all +took the +case home to themselves, and asked the question, "How if they were +mine?" "Dust to dust, and ashes to ashes," and the ceremony was +completed.</p> + +<p>Few of them had failed to remark the presence of a strange +mourner—one +whose dress bespoke him to be a gentleman; and as the widow turned to +leave the grave, he stept up to her and offered her his arm for +support. +She took it mechanically, and wended her way to her desolate home. He +was the only one, with the exception of Old Becca, who entered with +Bessy.</p> + +<p>He looked around the forlorn room, gazing now here, now there, +to hide +his emotion. He seemed about to speak when a knock at the door +interrupted him.</p> + +<p>Becca opened it, and returned with a letter stating that the +bearer +required an answer. The stranger took it with an air of authority and +broke the seal; as he did so, a five pound note fluttered to the +ground. +While he read the letter his eyes flashed with a strange fire, and his +quivering nostril showed the strength of the passion raging within.</p> + +<p>Turning to the boy, he thrust the letter into his hand, and +bade him +pick up the note. "Take this answer to your master, boy," he said; "we +return the letter and his money with disdain, and tell him that Bessy +Green is not so desolate and friendless that she needs accept five +pounds as the price of two innocent lives. The debt is one that no man +can cancel: but the reckoning day is sure to come! tell him that, boy, +from the brother of Bessy Green, from the uncle of Tom and Susy."</p> + +<p>The boy hurried away with the message; and Bessy, who had been +aroused +by the stranger's vehemence, at the word "brother," threw herself upon +his neck, crying—"It is George!" What follows is quickly +told: Bessy's +grief was deep, and it took long long months before she was fitted to +engage in the ordinary occupations of life; but change of scene and +cheerful company, together with the daily expanding beauties of her +only +child, partially healed her lacerated heart. Her generous brother, who +had returned from a distant land,—where fortune had smiled +upon his +labours—took her to live with him, and adopted her child as +his son. +Becca and Abe became also installed in the house as helpers; and now, +far away from the regions of factory whews, they are all living +amicably +together.</p> + +<p>"That is my story for this; Christmas. How do you like it?"</p> + +<p>It is very sorrowful, uncle John, but we are much obliged to +you for +telling it us, but it is surely wrong for children so young to be +compelled to go to work at such an early hour?</p> + +<p>"It may not be wrong to require them so to do, but it would at +least +show a desire on the part of the employers to ameliorate the hardness +of +their lot if, while endeavouring to enforce strict punctuality, they +would provide some shelter for those who, having come from a distance, +fail to arrive in time for admission."</p> + +<p>"Hark, the village Waits!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Pill_Jims_Progress_Wi_Johns_Bunion" id="Pill_Jims_Progress_Wi_Johns_Bunion"></a>Pill Jim's +Progress Wi' Johns Bunion.</h2> + +<p>It wor a varry wild day when John set off to see Pill Jim, as +he wor +called, but as it wor varry particklar business, he didn't let th' +weather stop him.</p> + +<p>Nah, Pill Jim wor a varry nooated chap i' some pairts o' +Yorkshire. He +wor an old chap, an' lived in a little haase to hissen, an' gate a +livin' wi' quack-docterin' a bit; an' whativer anybody ailed, he'd some +pills at wor sure to cure 'em; soa, as John had been sufferin' a long' +time, he thought he'd goa an' have a bit o' tawk wi' him, an' see if he +could get any gooid done.</p> + +<p>It chonced, as luck let, at Jim wor at hooam, an' he invited +him in, but +as he'd nobbut one cheer, John had to sit o'th' edge o'th' long table.</p> + +<p>"Well, John," he sed, "an' what's browt thee here this +mornin'?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, nowt 'at means mich, Jim; but aw've heeard a gooid deal +o' tawk +abaght thy pills, an' aw thowt they'd happen do me a bit o' gooid; but +aw wanted to have a bit o' tawk to thee th' first abaght it, for tha +knows one sooart o' physic doesn't do for iverybody."</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt just mistakken abaght that, John, for my pills cure +owt; they're +oppenin' pills, an' although aw'm a chap 'at doesn't like to crack +abaght misen, aw con just tell thee a thing or two 'at'll mak thee +stare."</p> + +<p>"Well, that's what aw want, Jim, s'oa get on wi' thy tellin'."</p> + +<p>"Aw hardly know whear to begin, but, hasumiver, aw'll tell +thee one +thing: ther's lots o' fowk livin' raand abaght here 'at's been oppen'd +by em, an' to some tune too; an' although aw consider physic an evil at +all times, still my pills must be regarded as a necessary evil. A chap +once coom to see me, an' browt a lot o' oysters, but he wor fast ha to +get into 'em; aw made noa moor to do but just put two or three pills +amang 'em, an' they wor oppen'd in a minit. He sed he'd niver seen sich +a thing afoor. An' if tha con keep a secret, aw'll tell thi summat else +but tha munnot split. One neet just at th' end o' last summer, a +queer-lukkin' chap coom an' sed he didn't feel vary weel, an' he'd come +to me becoss he didn't want tother doctors to know; soa aw axed him who +he wor. He didn't like to tell me for a bit, but at last he sed' he wor +th' Clerk o'th' Weather Office, an' he'd just getten a day off, bi th' +way ov a leetnin'.' 'Well,' aw says, 'aw'll gie yo a box o' pills, an' +yo mun tak two ivery neet.' He thanked me an' went away, an' aw've +niver seen a wink on him sin, but tha may be sure it's them pills 'at +we +have to thank for sich a oppen winter as we've had, for as aw sed +befoor, they'll oppen owt."</p> + +<p>"Well, Jim, tha fair caps me! Aw wonder tha hasn't made a +fortun befoor +nah! But aw dooant think aw want ony pills, tho' aw'm badly enough."</p> + +<p>"Why, what does ta ail? Has ta getten th' backwark, or th' +heeadwark, or +does ta feel wamly sometimes an' cannot ait?"</p> + +<p>"Nawther, John; it's summat else nor that."</p> + +<p>"Why, is it summat 'at tha has o' thi mind!"</p> + +<p>"Noa, it isn't mi mind, it's mi understandin' 'at's +'sufferin'. Th' +fact is, Jim, aw'm troubled wi' a bunion."</p> + +<p>"Let's luk at it," says Jim, "ther's nowt easier to cure nor a +bunion."</p> + +<p>John took off his shoe an' stockin', an' when Jim saw it he +sed, "Oh, aw +see what it wants; it wants bringin' to a heead."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw think bi th' rate it's growin', it'll be a heead +afoor long, +for it's as big as mi neive already."</p> + +<p>"Nah, aw'll tell thee what tha mun do. Tak five or six o' +thease pills +ivery neet till tha feels a bit ov a difference, an' when tha gooas to +bed tha mun put thi fooit into a pooltice, an' tha'll find it'll get +better as it mends."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw think ther's some sense i' what tha says, soa aw +think aw'll +try some; ha does ta sell 'em?"</p> + +<p>"If tha buys a box they're a penny, but they corne in cheaper +to buy 'em +bi weight, an' as its thee aw'll let thi have a pund for a shillin'; if +it wor onybody else, they'd be sixteen pence."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw'll tak a pund, onyway. An' if aw can't tak 'em all +misen, +they'll happen be useful to somdy else."</p> + +<p>"Tha mun tak 'em all thisen, an' then tha'll feel th' benefit +on em," +sed Jim.</p> + +<p>"Well," sed John, when he'd getten 'em teed up in his +hankerchy, "aw +wish yo gooid day, an aw'll come an' see yo in a bit to repoort +progress."</p> + +<p>John limped hooam as weel as he could, an' after puttin' th' +pills into +a pint basin i'th' cubbard, he went to bed. His wife axed him what he +could like to his supper, but he sed he worn't particklar, soa shoo +went +daanstairs, an' when shoo luk'd i'th' cubbard, shoo saw this basin o' +pills, but shoo thowt they wor pays; soa shoo gate a bit o' mutton an' +made a sup o' broth an' put 'em in; an' when they'd been boilin' awhile +shoo couldn't find 'em hardly. "Why," shoo sed, "aw niver saw sich pays +as theease i' all mi life; they've all boiled to smush." Shoo tuk him a +basinful upstairs, an' after a spooinful or two, he sed he thowt they +tasted rayther queer. "Oh! it's thi maath at's aght o' order, mun," +shoo sed; "get 'em into thee, they're sure to do thee gooid."</p> + +<p>John tew'd hard wi' 'em an' at last he finished 'em. "Niver +buy ony moor +pays at that shop," he sed, "for aw'm sure they're nooan reight.</p> + +<p>"Aw didn't buy 'em," shoo sed, "they're what wor i'th' +cubbard; aw thowt +tha'd put 'em thear thisen."</p> + +<p>When John heeard that, he knew in a minit what shoo'd done, +an' he +stared at her.</p> + +<p>"What are ta staring at, wi' thi een an' thi maath wide oppen +like +that?" sed his wife.</p> + +<p>"Tha'd ha' thi een an' thi maath oppen if tha'd swallowed what +aw have," +he said, "for they'll oppen ewt."</p> + +<p>John gate up an' dressed an' went aght, an' as he didn't offer +to come +back, his wife an' two or three ov his mates went to seek him; an' a +few +yards off th' door they fan his clooas an' hat an' a pair o' booits, +an' +in one o'th' booits they fan a bunion,—an' that wor all ther +wor left +o' John.</p> + +<p>It wor rayther a awkard thing to swear to, but his wife sed +shoo +couldn't be mistakken, for shoo knew it soa weel wol shoo'd be bun to +be +able to pick it aght ov a looad o' new puttates. Ov cooarse, they'd a +inquest, but as ther wor noa evidence, an' sich a case had niver been +known befoor, they returned a oppen verdict.</p> + +<p>A few days after, as Pill Jim wor gooin' past th' church yard, +he saw a +chap oppenin' a grave, an' axed him who he wor oppenin' it for; an' +when +he heeard it wor for th' remains o' poor John, he muttered to hissen, +"Noa wonder! noa wonder! them pills, they'll oppen owt. Aw wor sure +they'd awther drive th' bunion away throo John, or John away throo th' +bunion, which wor for th' best aw connot tell; its an oppen +question— +them pills leeave ivery—thing oppen."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Moravian_Knights_Entertainment" id="Moravian_Knights_Entertainment"></a>Moravian +Knight's Entertainment.</h2> + +<p>If yo want to know owt abaght me, let me tell yo 'at they +called mi +father Knight, an' when aw wor born he had me kursend Moravian; but noa +sooiner did aw begin to laik wi' th' lads abaght ner aw began to be +called Morry Neet. Soa mich abaght misen.</p> + +<p>Aw oft think 'at fowk mak a sad mistak, i' spendin all ther +time +leearnin. Aw think if them 'at know soa mich had to spend part o' ther +time taichin other fowk what they know, th' world mud ha' fewer +philosophers, but it 'ud have fewer fooils. As that's my nooation, awve +detarmined to let yo know ha aw gate on th' furst time aw went to a +penny readin, an' may be somdy 'll leearn summat bi that.</p> + +<p>Awd seen a lot o' bills stuck up for mony a day, statin' at +th' 16th +select penny readin' wor to tak place i'th' Jimmy Loin National +Schooil, +an' aw thowt awd goa. Soa when th' neet coom aw went to th' door aw +clap daan mi penny like a mon, an' wor walkin in—</p> + +<p>"Stop! Stop!" shaated aght th' brass takker, "Tha mun come +back, tha's +nobbut gien me a penny."</p> + +<p>"Aw know aw've nobbut gien thee a penny," aw says; "Ha mich +moor does ta +want? Its a penny readin, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, its a penny readin, but its thrippince to goa in," he +sed.</p> + +<p>"Well, if that's it," aw says, "here's tother tuppince, but +awm blowed +if aw see it." But aw went in, an' a rare hoilful ther wor. In a bit +Alderman Nonowt wor vooated into th' cheer, an' then he made a +speech—</p> + +<p>"Ladies and Gentlemen—(then he coughed two or three +times, an' supt o' +watter),—I can assure you 'at nothink gives me greater +pleasure, or +greater enjoyment, or I might say greater satisfaction, (a varry deal +o' +clappin i'th' front seeats—supt twice), when I look around +me, ladies +and gentlemen, and see so many old and familiar faces that I have never +seen before, and when I see so many strangers that I have passed long +years of social intercourse amongst, I feel, ladies and gentlemen, I +feel moved, very much moved, and when I gaze again I begin to feel +removed. Our object which we have in view, in keeping agate of giving +these here readings, are to throw open the doors of knowledge, so that +all may come and drink from the inexhaustible bottle, so to speak, +ladies and gentleman, which says 'drink and thirst no more' (great +cheering—women wi' cleean pocket hankerchies blow ther +nooases). These +meetings have also another himportant object, a nobject noble and +great, +which is namely, to draw people out of the public houses, and create a +thirst in them for wisdom. How many men, after a hard day's work, go +and +sit in the public house, or what is still worse, often spend their time +at some thripny concert room until nine or ten o'clock, whereas now +they +can come here and sit until 10 or 11 o'clock, where they are not only +hentertained, but hedicated and hedified. With thease few remarks, I +call upon the first reader for a solo on the German concertina."</p> + +<p>An' it wor a solo! It reminded me o' being in a bazaar at Fair +time, +an' abaght a thaasand childer blowin penny trumpets; an' he whewd his +arms abaght like a windmill; an' aw wor nooan sooary when he'd done. +But fowk clapt an' stamped wol he coom back agean; an' he bow'd an' sed +he'd give 'em an immitation o'th' backpipe, an' awve noa daat it wor +varry like it, for awm sure noa frontpipe iver made as faal a din. +After that th' cheerman made a few remarks an' sed, music had charms to +soothe the savage beast, an' he'd no doubt we all felt soothed with +what +we had heard. He had now the pleasure to call for something of a more +elevating nature still. The next reading would be a comic song. "Up in +a balloon boys."</p> + +<p>Th' chap 'at gave that wor varry wise, for as sooin as he'd +begun +singin' he shut his een an' niver oppened 'em agean till he'd done, an' +if he'd kept his maath shut aw should ha' been better suited still. Ov +coorse he wor honcored, an' he coom back an' sang +"Be—e—eutifool oil +of the Se—e—e—he! wol he fair fooamd at +th' maath, but awl wave mi +opinion o' that. Then coom th' gem o'th' evening, an' th' chap wor a +gem +'at sang it. Th' cheerman sed he was always proud to be able to sit +an' +listen to such like, for it show'd what a deal better world ther might +be if we all did our best for one another.</p> + +<p>Th' peanner struck up, an' a chap in a big white hat an' +longlapp'd coit +sang "What aw did for Hannah," an' afoor he'd finished aw thowt if he'd +done hauf as mich for Hannah as he'd done for us he owt to be shot. But +when a chap's i' favor he con do owt, an' when he'd done an' been +called +back three times, th' cheerman sed it wor now his duty to introduce the +Rev'd Dowell to read a selection from Heenuck Harden.</p> + +<p>As sooin as he'd sed this ivery body began to walk aght, an' +soa as aw +thowt they must be gooin into another raam to hear it, aw went aght +too. +But when awd getten aghtside aw saw they wor all awther leetin ther +pipes or laikin at soddin one another. Aw axed one on 'em if it wor all +over. "Net it," he sed, "we've nobbut come aght wol yond dry old stick +has done talking. Th' best pairt o'th' entertainment has to come off +yet! Ther's three single step doncers gooin to contest for a copy ov +'Baxter's Saint's Rest,' bun up wi' gilt edges."</p> + +<p>When aw heeard that aw ihowt, well, awm nooa saint misel, but +if awm a +sinner awl have a bit o' rest, whether it's Baxter's or net. Soa aw +walked quitely off hooam, thinkin ha thankful we owt to be at fowk 'll +labor as they do to improve an elevate poor workin' fowk. That wor th' +end o' my entertainment.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Sperrit_Rappin" id="Sperrit_Rappin"></a>Sperrit +Rappin.</h2> + +<p>Did yo iver goa to a sperrit rappin' doo? Aw did once, but aw +can't say +it wor mich i' my line.</p> + +<p>It happen'd one Setterdy neet 'at aw'd been to have a pint at +th' "Rompin +Kittlin," an' aw heeard some chaps say 'at ther wor baan to be a meetin +i'th' owd wayvin shop o'th' Sundy afternooin, an' iver so mony mediums +wor +commin to tell all 'at wor gooin on i'th' tother world, soa as awd nowt +else to do, aw went, an' after a bit o' thrustin aw managed to get into +a +front seat: but they wor varry particlar who they let in. As aw wor +set, +waitin for th' performance to begin, aw thowt it luk'd varry mich like +a +inquest, for ther wor one chap set o'th' end o't' table, an' six daan +each +side; an' they wor a lot o'th' rummest lukkin fowk aw'd seen for a long +time. They all seem'd as if they wanted sendin aght to grass, for ther +faces wor th' color ov a lot o' tallow craps. In a bit they started, +an' +we all sang a hymn, an' varry weel it wor sung too, considerin 'at that +radical gravestoan letterer joined in it; for if ther is ony body 'at +can +throw a whole congregation aght o' tune, its owd Cinnamon, for he owt +niver to oppen his maath onywhear unless all th' fowk is booath deeaf +an' +blind, for th' seet o' his chowl is enuff to drive all th' harmony aght +ov +a meetin. Aw dar wager a trifle 'at he'd be able to spoil th' Jubilee. +But as aw wor sayin, we did varry weel considerin, an' then th' +cheerman +gate up an' addressed a few words to us. He sed he'd noa daat 'at ther +wor +a goaid many amang us 'at didn't believe i' sperrits, but he could +assure +us 'at ther wor moor i' sperrits sometimes nor what we imagined. He sed +he +knew one man 'at had been under th' influence ov a sperit, 'at went +hooam +an' tell'd his wife sich things 'at made her hair stand ov an end, an' +when +he gate up next mornin he knew nowt abaat it till he saw his wife wor +i'th' +sulks, an' he ax'd her "what ther wor to do." "Ther's plenty to do, aw +think," shoo says; "ha can ta fashion to put thi heead aght o'th' door? +But tha can have yond nasty gooid-for-nawt as soain as tha likes, for +awst +leeave thi if aw live wol awm an haar older! It's a bonny come off, 'at +me +at's barn ommoss a duzzen children to thi should be shoved o' one side +far +a thing like yond!" "Why, lass, aw doant know what tha'rt talking +abaat," +he sed, "tell me what tha meeans!" "Aw've noa need to tell thi," shoo +sed, +"tha knows weel enuff, an' aw believe ivery word 'at tha sed, for they +say +'at druffen chaps an' childer allus spaik th' truth, an' awve +suspicioned +yond Betty for a long time! What reight has shoo to be dawdlin abaat +other +fowks husbands for? If shoo wants a felly, let her get one ov her own! +But tha may tak her an' welcome, an' mich gooid may shoo do thi, an' +may yo +allus be as happy together as aw wish vo—an' noa happier! +drot her!" +"Why, did aw say owt abaat Betty? Tha mun tak noa nooatice o' owt aw +say +when aw come hooam throo a meetin, tha sees, sin aw wor made a medium, +aw +ammot allus just i' mi reight senses, an' it isn't me 'at spaiks, it's +what's in me." "Eea, an' it wor what wor in thi 'at spaik last neet! +Tha's noa need to tell me 'at tha worn't i' thi reight wit, for tha +hasn't +been that for a long time but aw can tell thi one thing—if +tha'rt a +medium, awm net gooin to be made one! aw'll awther be one thing or +tother, +soa if tha'd rayther have yond mucky trolly, tak her; an' may yo booath +have a seed i' yor tooith an' corns o' yor tooas, an' be fooarsed to +walk +daan th' hill, all th' days o' yor lives; that's what aw wish." He +talked +to her for a long time, but it wor noa use, for yo see shoo'd niver +been +enlightened, an' all he could say didn't convince her 'at he worn't +answerable for all he'd sed an' done; but ov cooarse it's weel known +'at +mediums arn't responsible for owt. After a few moor remarks, an' +relatin a +few moor incidents, he sed "it wor abaat time to begin the serious +business +'at had called us together, an' he sed he hooap'd 'at if ony had came +to +scoff, they'd remain to pay, for they wor sadly i' need o' funds, an' +he +hooap'd 'at iverybody wod respond liberally, for sperits sich as they +dealt +in could not be getten o' trust, although they had to be takken that +way." +Then he knock'd th' table three times wi' his knuckles, an' two o'th' +fiddle-faced chaps 'at wor set one o' each side on him, began to +wriggle +abaat as if they'd getten th' murly grubs. "Stop! stop!" he sed, "one +at +once, if yo pleease! Brother Sawny had better give his sperit backward +for +a few minutes, wol we've done wi' Brother Titus's." Soa Sawny gave +ovver +shakkin hissen, exceptin his heead, an' jumpin onto his feet, he sed, +"If +awve allus to give way to Titus, awm blow'd if awl come to edify yor +lot +ony longer." "Husht, husht!" says th' cheerman, "the sperit has takken +possession o' Titus already. Will ony o'th' unbelievers ax it a few +questions?" Soa aw thowt aw mud as weel be forrad as onybody else, soa +aw +stood up an' ax'd it furst—</p> + +<p>"What did they use to call thi?"</p> + +<p>"Mary Jane Wittering."</p> + +<p>"Ha long is it since tha deed?"</p> + +<p>(Noa answer; soa th' cheerman sed it wor a varry frivolous an' +improper +question, an' aw mud ax summat else.)</p> + +<p>"Wor ta iver wed?"</p> + +<p>"Nobbut three times."</p> + +<p>"Wor ta allus true to 'em when tha had 'em?"</p> + +<p>(No answer; th' cheerman shook his neive at me.)</p> + +<p>"Are they livin or deead?"</p> + +<p>"One's deead, one's livin, an' one's a medium."</p> + +<p>"Has ta met anybody tha knows up i' yor pairts?"</p> + +<p>"Monny a scoor."</p> + +<p>"Are they happy or miserable?"</p> + +<p>"Some one way an' some another."</p> + +<p>"Has ta seen onybody at's come latly?"</p> + +<p>"Nubdy but a chap they call 'Profit."</p> + +<p>"What did they call him 'Profit' for?"</p> + +<p>"Aw doant know, unless it's becoss he did soa weel aght o' +collectin th' +rates afoor he coom here."</p> + +<p>"Is he happy?"</p> + +<p>"Nut exactly, he's undergooin his punishment, poor chap."</p> + +<p>"What is it?"</p> + +<p>"He's shut up i'th dark for as monny year as he's charged fowk +for feet o' +gas 'at they've niver burned; an' bi what awve heeard some o'th older +end +o'th sperits say, it seems varry likely 'at eternity will ha getten +farish +in, befoor he sees leet agean."</p> + +<p>"Is he tormented wi' owt?"</p> + +<p>"Nowt but his conscience."</p> + +<p>"Ha's that?"</p> + +<p>"He hadn't one when he coom, soa he's had to tak one at's been +left bi +somdy else, an' it pricks him sadly."</p> + +<p>"Then it seems his brass willn't save him?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, for yo know, 'Wi whatsoever metre yo measure, to yo +it'll be measured +agean."</p> + +<p>"Is ther owt to ait an' drink i' yor quarter?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, they've shut all th' shops up, an' it's time they shut +thine up, for +aw'm stall'd o' tawkin to thi?"</p> + +<p>Aw wor baan to ax him summat else, but he began to wriggle +agean, an' th' +cheerman sed th' sperit wor takkin its departure, an' in a minute he +oppened his een, an luk'd raand as sackless as if he had nobbut just +wakken'd. "Nah, my dear friend," sed th' cheerman, turnin an' spaikin +to +me, "aw hooap yo're satisfied. Does ta believe i' what this sperit has +communicated?"</p> + +<p>"Well," aw says, "to tell the th' truth, aw can't say 'at aw +awther believe +in it or net, for aw've noa proof, but if aw sed owt aw should be +inclined +to say 'net'—but still it saands varry likely what one might +expect, an' +that's all aw can say abaat it at present."</p> + +<p>"Be sure tha comes to awr meetin next Sundy," he sed, "an' aw +can see 'at +tha'll sooin be one on us." An' for that reason aw niver went agean, +for +aw couldn't help thinkin 'at if aw wanted to be a medium for sperits, +'at +awd rayther get a owd licensed haase an' start reight.</p> + +<p>Wol this had been gooin on, awd heeard a chap an' his wife, +'at sat cloise +to me, talkin a gooid deal, an' aw varry sooin fan aght 'at shoo wor +tryin +to mak him believe as mich i' sperits as shoo did, an' ivery time th' +medium answered one o' my questions shoo nudged him, an' sed "Does ta +hear +that? Its ivery word as true as gospel? Does ta believe it nah?" After +shoo'd axed him two or three times, he sed, "Well, its varry wonderful, +an' +aw do begin to think 'at there's summat in it." "A'a!" shoo sed, "aw +knew +tha'd believe if aw could get thi to come." It wor Sawney's turn next +to +be entranced, as they call it, an' as sooin as th' sperit had takken +possession on him (which seemed to be a varry hard task, an' aw dooant +know +wether it went in at his maath or whear), this woman 'at set aside o' +me +jumped up an' axed if shoo mud be allowed to put a few questions.</p> + +<p>Th' cheerman sed shoo mud an' welcome, soa shoo +began—</p> + +<p>"Ha old am aw?"—"Fifty-two."</p> + +<p>"Am aw married or single?"—"Married."</p> + +<p>"Ha monny childer have aw?"—"Four."</p> + +<p>"Nah," shoo says, turning to her husband, "isn't it true?"</p> + +<p>"Yos, its true enuff," he sed, "aw believe there's summat in +it, but aw +should like to ax a question or two misen."</p> + +<p>"Why, jump up, then, an' luk sharp an' start," shoo sed.</p> + +<p>So he started—</p> + +<p>"Ha old am aw?"—"Fifty-three."</p> + +<p>"Nah then! didn't aw tell thi! does ta believe it nah?" shoo +sed.</p> + +<p>"Am aw married or single?"—"Married."</p> + +<p>"True agean, tha sees," sed his wife.</p> + +<p>"Ha monny childer have aw?"—"Two."</p> + +<p>"Two! Then if my wife's four whose, is tother two?"</p> + +<p>As sooin as shoo heeard that, an' befoor th' medium had time +to spaik, shoo +seized hold ov her umbrella, an'lauped off her seat towards whear th' +medium wor set, an' aw fancy if th' umbrella nop had made acquaintance +wi' +his heead i'th' way shoo'd intended, 'at it wodn't ha taen long to +untrance that chap. But th' cheerman saw her comin, an' managed to stop +it, but it wor noa easy job to quieten her. "A'a, tha lyin gooid-for- +nowt!" shoo sed, "has ta come here slanderin daycent wimmin? Aw defy +awther onybody i' this world or onybody i'th' tother to say owt agean +my +karractur! Yor a lot o' himposters, ivery one on yo, that's what yo +are! +Come on, Jim," shoo sed to her husband, as shoo seized hold ov his arm, +"let us goa, its nooan a fit place for gradely fowk."</p> + +<p>"Dooant be i' sich a hurry," he sed, "aw begin to think ther's +summat +in it."</p> + +<p>"Summat in it! Has ta noa moor sense nor to believe in a lot +o' lyin +vagabones like thease? Let's get hooam, they're nooan fit spots for +daycent fowk, an' aw hooap awst niver catch thi i' one agean! Come on!"</p> + +<p>"Why, tha browt me, didn't ta? an' tha seemd to believe in it."</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw believed' em soa long as aw knew what they tell'd me +wor true, but +as sooin as they start lyin, aw can't believe 'em then; but aw wish awd +hold o' that chap's toppin, an' awd shake th' truth aght on him, or +else +awd rive his heead off—nasty low-lived sneak as he is! But +come on +hooam, an if tha waits wol aw bring thi agean, tha'll wait wol tha'rt a +thaasand year old, an moor ner that."</p> + +<p>They went aght, an in a bit quietness wor restored.</p> + +<p>After a few moor remarks, th' cheerman sed 'at it wor too far +on i'th' day +for ony moor sperits to be sent for, for th' mediums had another +meeting to +attend that neet, soa he read aght another hymn, an' we tried to sing +it to +th' tune ov "Sweet spirit, hear mi prayer," but we couldn't, for +Cinnamon +wor too mich for us all—he wor a deal better brayer nor +prayer, an' after +one or two moor tries, th' cheerman sed "'at unless that gentleman +(lukkin +at Cinnamon) wod awther swallow a scaarin—stooan an' a pund +o' sweet sooap +to clear his voice, or else keep his maath shut, we should have to +leave +singin aght o'th' question altogether." But Cinnamon worn't to be put +daan; an' he tell'd th' cheerman 'at if he didn't know what singin wor +he +did, an' when he wor in Horstraly (A voice—"What does ta know +abaat +Horstraly, tupheead, tha niver went noa farther ner Burtonheead i' all +thi +life"). This ryled Cim, an' he up wi' a stooil an' whew'd it slap at +th' +cheerman. Aw saw ther wor likely to be a row, for whativer other sperit +wor thear, aw could see plain enuff 'at th' sperit o' mischief wor i' +some +on 'em, soa aw crept up beside th' door an' pop'd aght, an' left 'em +to settle it as they could.</p> + +<p>Aw met Cinnamon th' next mornin, an' aw saw 'at he'd a gurt +plaister ov +his nooas, an' aw couldn't help thinkin what a blessin it wod ha been +to +some fowk if it had been stuck ovver his maath asteead.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Thers_a_Mule_I_th_Garden" id="Thers_a_Mule_I_th_Garden"></a>Ther's a Mule I' th' +Garden.</h2> + +<p>(This expression is one that I have often heard used in +Yorkshire to +some unpleasantness being afoot.)</p> + +<p>A Christmas Story.</p> + +<p>Hark thi lass, what a wind! it's a long time sin we had sich a +storm. +Folk ought to be thankful 'at's getten a warm hearthstooan to put ther +feet on, sich weather as this:—unless it alters it'll be a +dree +Kursmiss-day. If ony poor body has to cross this moor to neet, they'll +be lost, as sure as sure con be.</p> + +<p>It's a fearful neet reight enuff, lad, an' it maks me creep +cloiser to +th' range,—but it's th' sooart o' weather we mun expect at +this time o' +th' year. It's a rare gooid job tha gate them peats in, for we stand i' +need ov a bit o' fire nah. Does ta mean to sit up all th' neet same as +usual?</p> + +<p>Eea, aw think ther's nowt like keep in up th' owd customs, an' +we've +niver missed watchin Kursmiss in sin we wor wed, an' that'll be nearly +forty year sin; weant it? Shift that canel, sithee' ha it sweals! +Does'nt to think tha'd better ligg summat to th' dooar bottom? Hark thi +what a wind! Aw niver heeard th' likes; it maks th' winders fair gender +agean. Soa, soa; lend me owd o' that pooaker, aw shall niver be able to +taich thee ha to mend a fire aw do think. Tha should never bray it in +at th' top;—use it kindly mun, tha'll find it'll thrive +better; it's +th' same wi' a fire as it is wi' a child—if you're allus +brayin' at it +you'll mak it a sad un at th' last, an' niver get nowt but black luks. +But its net mich use talkin' to thee aw con see, for tha'rt ommost +asleep; aw believe if th' thack ud to be blown off tha couldn't keep +thi +e'en oppen after ten o'clock; but use is second natur ommost, an' aw +feel rayther sleepy mysen, aw allus do when ther's a wind."</p> + +<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: 3em;">* + * + * + * + * * + *</span><br> + +</div> + +<p>In two or three minutes they wor booath hard asleep, but they +had't to +sleep long, for ther coom a knock at th' door laad enuff to wakken +deeaf +Debra (an shoo couldn't hear thunner). Th' owd man started up an flew +to oppen th' door, an' in stawped a walkin' snow-drift.</p> + +<p>"Aw wish yo a merry Kursmiss," he said.</p> + +<p>"Thank thi lad; come a bit nearer th' leet. If tha's browt noa +better +luk nor tha's browt weather, tha'd better ha stopped at hooam. Who art +ta?"</p> + +<p>"Well, its a bonny come off," said th' chap, "when my own +uncle connot +own me."</p> + +<p>"Its nooan Ezra, is it?" said th' owd woman.</p> + +<p>"That's my name, aw believe, aunt," he said.</p> + +<p>"Waw, do come an' sit thi daan. Set that kettle on lad, and +mak him a +drop o' summat warm; he'll do wi' it."</p> + +<p>It worn't long afoor th' new comer wor sat i'th' front o'th' +fire, +smookin' a long pipe an' weetin' his whistle ivery nah an then wi' a +drop o' whiskey an' watter.</p> + +<p>"Nah lad," said th' owd man, "what news has ta browt? Tha's +generally +summut new."</p> + +<p>"Aw've nowt mich uts likely to be fresh, aw dooant think," +said Ezra. +"Yo'd hear tell abaght that do o' Slinger's aw reckon?"</p> + +<p>"Niver a word, lad; what's th' chuffin heead been doin?"</p> + +<p>"Well, aw'd better start at th' beginnin' o' my tale, an' as +it's +rayther a longish en, you mun draw up to th' fire and mak up yor mind +to +harken a bit."</p> + +<p>"Yo happen niver knew Molly Momooin? Shoo lived at Coldedge, +an' used +to keep one o' them sooart o' spots known i' thease pairts as a whist +shop; yo'll know what that is? Shoo worn't a bad-like woman, +considerin' her age (for shoo wor aboon fifty, an' had been a widdy for +a dozen year), an iver sin her felly deed, shoo'd sell'd small drink +o'th sly (they dooant think its wrang up i' them pairts), an ther wor +at +said it wor nooan of a bad sooart, tho shoo used to booast at ther wor +niver a chap gate druffen i' her haas, tho ther'd been one or two +brussen. Like monny a widdy beside, at's getten a bit o' brass +together, shoo wor pestered wi' chaps at wanted to hing ther hats up, +an +put ther feet o' th' hearthstooan, an' call thersen th' maister o' what +they'd niver helped to haddle. But shoo wornt a waik-minded en, wornt +Molly:—an shoo tell'd em all at th' chap at gate her ud have +to have a +willin' hand as well as a warm heart, for shoo'd enuff to do to keep +hersen, withaat workin' her fingers to th' booan for a lump o' lumber +ith' nook.</p> + +<p>Soa one after another they all left off botherin' her except +one, an +that wor Jim o' long Joan's, throo Wadsworth, an he seemed detarmined +to +get her to change her mind if he could. As sooin as iver shoo oppened +th' shuts in a mornin', he used to laumer in an' call for a quart (that +cost him three-awpence, an used to fit him varry weel woll nooin). +Well, things nother seemed to get farther nor nearer, for a long time, +but one day summat happened at made a change ith' matter. It wor just +abaght th' time at th' new police wor put on, an Slinger wor made into +one. Nah Slinger thowt he ought to be made into a sargent, an he said +"he wor determined to extinguish hissen i' sich a way woll they +couldn't +be off promotionin' him, an if they didn't he'd nobscond." Soa th' +furst thing he did wor to goa an ligg information agen owd Molly +sellin' +ale baght license. Th' excise chaps sooin had him an two or three moor +off to cop th' owd lass ith' act, for they said, "unless they could see +it thersen they could mak nowt aght." It wor a varry nice day, an' off +they set o' ther eearand.</p> + +<p>Nah it just soa happened at Jim o' long Joans (they used to +call him +Jimmy-long for short), wor lukin' aght oth' winder, an' saw em comin'; +ther wor noabody ith' haas drinkin' but hissen, soa emptyin' his quart +daan th' sink, he tell'd Molly to be aware, for ther wor mischief +brewin'; an then he bob'd under th' seat. In abaght a minit three on em +coom in,—not i' ther blue clooas an silver buttons, but i' +ther reglar +warty duds.</p> + +<p>"Nah, owd lass," said one, "let's have hauf-a-gallon o' +stiff-shackle, +an luk sharp."</p> + +<p>"What do yo want, maister? I think yo've come to th' rang +haase; do yo +tak this to be a jerry-hoil; or ha?" said Molly. (They'd ta'en care to +leave Slinger aghtside, cos they knew he'd be owned.)</p> + +<p>"Nay, nah come," they said, "its all reight mun, here's th' +brass, +sithee, fotch a soop up, for we're all three as dry as a assmidden."</p> + +<p>"Why, if yo are reight dry," shoo says (an bith' mass they +wor, for +they'd been walkin' a bit o' ther best), ther's lots o' watter ith' pot +under th' table, but be as careful as yo con, for it bides a deal o' +fotchin'—but aw wodn't advise yo to fill yor bellies o' cold +watter +when yo're sweatin', its nooan a gooid thing mun. Have yo come fur? Yo +luk as if yo'd been runnin' aght oth' gate o' summut, but aw hope yo've +been i' noa sooart o' mischief: hasumever, sit yo daan an cooil a bit."</p> + +<p>They set em daan, for they wor fessened what to do, an at last +one on +em whispered, "aw believe Slinger's been havin' us on, seekin' th' +fiddle, but if he has, we'll repoort him an get him discharged like a +shot."</p> + +<p>"Why," said another, "ha is it he isn't here? Where's he +gooan?"</p> + +<p>"He's hid hissen ith' pigcoit just aghtside. Aw expect he'll +be ommost +stoled o' waitin' bi this, but let him wait, he desarves it for +bringin' +folk o' sich eearands as theease, We'st nobbut get laft at when we get +back, soa what think yo if we goa an say nowt abaght it? He'll nooan +stop long aw'll warrant."</p> + +<p>"Well, nowt but reight," they said; soa biddin' th' owd woman +gooid day, +they set off back. When they went aght, Jimmy crope throo under th' +langsettle, an' lukin' at Molly, he said, "Nah, have aw done thi a +gooid +turn this time owd craytur?"</p> + +<p>"Tha has, Jim, an aw'm varry mich obleeged to thi, lad," shoo +says, "an +tha shall have another quart at my expense."</p> + +<p>"Net yet, thank thi, Molly. Aw havn't done wi +this—ther's a bit ov a +spree to be had aght on it yet mun, aw heeard ivery word at they said, +an what does ta think! They've left Slinger ith' pigcoit waitin', an aw +meean to keep him theear for a bit." Soa sayin,' he quietly crept aght, +an went raand to th' back o' th' pigcoit.</p> + +<p>"Slinger! are ta thear?"</p> + +<p>"All reight, lad; have yo fun ought?"</p> + +<p>"Nut yet, but we're just gooin to do; tha munnat stir, +whativer tha +does. Its a rare do is this. It'll be th' makin' on us, mun."</p> + +<p>"Does ta think we shall get made into sargents?" axed Slinger.</p> + +<p>"I lad, an corporals too, aw'll be bun; but bowd thi whisht, +whatever +tha does—we'll come for thi as sooin as we want thi; does ta +think tha +could sup a drop o' summat if tha had it?"</p> + +<p>"Aw wish aw'd chonce, that's all.'"</p> + +<p>"Well, bide thi time, an aw'll send thi some."</p> + +<p>Jim then walked away, an leavin' Slinger screwed up like a +dishclaat, he +went into th' haase, and call'd for a quart.</p> + +<p>"Well, what's come o' Slinger?" said Molly.</p> + +<p>"Oh, he's all reight—he's gooin through his degrees +to get made into a +sargent or a corporal or some other sort ov a ral, but aw'll bet he'll +wish it wor his funeral afoor aw've done wi' him."</p> + +<p>Jimmy sat comfortably suppin' his stiffshackle an smokin' a +bit o' +bacca, an tried by all th' means in his power to wheedle th' owd woman +into his way o' thinkin'.</p> + +<p>"Tha mud do wor nor ha' me mun" he said, "aw'm nut ovver +handsome aw +know, but ther's nowt abaght me to flay onybody."</p> + +<p>"Ther'll nubby be freetened o' thee lad, tha need'nt think," +shoo says, +"for tha reminds me ov a walkin' cloaas peg—if tha'd been +split a bit +heigher up tha'd ha' done for a pair o' cart shafts."</p> + +<p>"Well tha knows beauty's i'th eye o'th beholder," says Jim.</p> + +<p>"They'd be able to put all thy beauty i' ther e'e an see noa +war for +it," shoo says.</p> + +<p>"Well, aw'm willin' to work an keep thi a lady as far as th' +brass 'll +gaa."</p> + +<p>"What mack ov a lady aw should like to know? Th' same as aw am +nah aw +reckon, up to th' elbows i' soap suds. But once for all aw want thi to +understand at aw'm nooan i'th weddin' vein at present."</p> + +<p>"Well tha'rt a hard-hearted woman, that's what tha +art—an nooan as +gooid ith' bottom as tha mud be, or else tha'd niver live here chaitin' +th' excise for a livin', astead o' being th' wife ov a daycent chap. Aw +ommost wish aw'd letten them chaps catch thi; it ud nobbut ha sarved +thi +reight."</p> + +<p>"Sarved me reight, wod it? Well tha con goa an fotch Slinger +aght o' +th' pigcoit (for aw reckon he's thear yet), but ha mich better ar ta, +at +sits thear suppin' it? But whether aw'm as gooid as aw should be or +net, aw'm sure tha'rt a gooid-for-nowt, an th' sooiner tha taks thi +hook +aght o' this haase an' th' better, for aw've studden thy nonsense woll +aw'm fair staled. Are ta baan? For if tha doesn't tha'll get this +poaker abaght thi heead."</p> + +<p>"Nay! Nay! tha doesn't mean it?" said Jim, jumpin' aght o'th +gate, "tha +wodn't hurt me surelee?"</p> + +<p>"Hurt thi! drabbit thi up, tha's spun me to th' +length—ger aght o' that +door."</p> + +<p>Jimmy kept backin' aght step by step, an' Molly wor +flourishin' th' +poaker, but nother on em saw at th' peggy-tub wor fair i'th gate woll +Jim backed slap into it. Splash went th' watter o' ivery side, an' +Molly skriked, "A'a dear! sarved thi reight, as if tha could'nt see a +whole tub! What are ta splashin' like that for?"</p> + +<p>But poor Jimmy couldn't spaik, for he wor wedged as fast as a +thief in a +miln, an' nowt but his legs an' his arms could be seen. Molly catched +howd on his legs an' tried to pool him aght, but th' heigher shoo +lifted +his feet an' th' lower sank his heead, soa ther wor noa way to do but +to +roll it over an' teem him aght.</p> + +<p>"This beats all," says Molly, as shoo helped him up, "couldn't +ta see +it?"</p> + +<p>"Does ta think aw've a e'e i' th' back o' my heead?" he said, +"it's all +long o' thee, an' dang it that watters whoot."</p> + +<p>"It's like to be whoot," shoo says, "did ta iver know folk +wesh i' cold +watter, tha lumphead?"</p> + +<p>"Well, what shall aw have to do? Aw'm as weet as a sop, to say +nowt ov a +blister or two.</p> + +<p>"Tha mun goa thi ways to bed an' throw thi clooas daan th' +stairs an, +aw'll see if aw connot dry 'em off for thi."</p> + +<p>Soa up stairs he went an' flang his weet things daan, sayin' +at th' same +time, "If tha finds any buttons off tha can suit thisen whether tha +puts +'em on or net."</p> + +<p>"Aw've summat else to do nor sew for thee, tha's made we wark +enuff," +shoo said.</p> + +<p>It did'nt tak long for Molly to dry th' cloas an' shoo raylee +felt +sooary for him after all, soa shoo set too an' stitched him a button or +two on, an' as shoo said, "mensened him up a bit for he wor somebody's +poor lad."</p> + +<p>He wor sooin drest nice an' comfortable agean an' then he +thowt it wor +time to goa an' see what had come o' Slinger.</p> + +<p>As sooin as he coom near th' coit he could hear him snoaring +away ommost +as laad as a trombone. "Well tha'rt a bonny en" he said "to be paid +aght o'th rates for keeping a sharp luk aght. Aw did think to bring thi +summat to sup but its a pity to disturb thi. Aw'll try another dodge an +see ha' that'll act."</p> + +<p>Away he went an' in a minit or two coom back wi a huggin o' +strea, an' +quietly oppenin th' door he shoved it in,—he then walked off +mutterin +"tha'll be capp'd when tha wackens owd lad."</p> + +<p>As th' day began to grow shorter a few owd faces began to peep +in to see +ha Molly wor gettin on an' to taste ov her drink. When ther'd getten +abaght a hauf a duzzen on em Jim slipped aght an' sammed up all he +could find i'th' shape o' buckets an' had em filled wi watter an' not +o' +th' cleanest sooart,—then he lit a wisp o' strea just +aghtside o'th' +pighoil door an' waited wall th' smook had begun to curl nicely +up:— +then he darted into th' haase an' bawled aght "Heigh lads! do +come,— +somdy's set th' pighoil o' fire."</p> + +<p>Aght they flew an' sure enuff thear it wor reekin away' like a +brick +kiln.</p> + +<p>"Sleck th' inside first," says Jim, an' in a twinklin one +pailful after +another wor splashed in. Slinger sooin wacken'd but he wor fast what to +mak on it,—he thowt he must be dreamin ov a storm at sea or +summat.</p> + +<p>"Howd on! Howd on!" he yell'd aght "what have yo agate?"</p> + +<p>"Do luk sharp lads," says Jim, "ther's somdy inside they'll be +burnt to +th' deeath. Bring some watter some on yo."</p> + +<p>"Ther is noan," they says, "its all done."</p> + +<p>"Why mucky watter 'll sleck as weel as clean, give us howd of +a pailful +o' swill. We munnot have th' poor body burnt to th' deeath."</p> + +<p>Just as Slinger was rushin aght o'th' door he gate a reglar +dooas 'at +ommost floor'd him.</p> + +<p>"Nah lads, lets stop a bit, says Jim, aw think th' dangers +ommost +ovver,—lets see who this chap is. It's happen somdy at wanted +to burn +owd Molly aght o' haase an' harbor."</p> + +<p>Slinger brast aght o'th' door like a roarin +lion,—but he wor sooin +collard, an' he wor soa bedisend with soft cake an' puttaty pillins at +his own mother could'nt ha owned him.</p> + +<p>"Dooant yo know who aw am," he sputtered aght, "Awm Slinger, +yo know +me."</p> + +<p>"Bith mass it is Slinger," said Jim,—"its noabdy +else," whativer has ta +been dooin to get into a mess like this? Tha may thank thy stars tha +worn't burnt to th' deeath."</p> + +<p>"Well aw dooant know 'at it means mich whether a chap's burnt +or draand, +but awther on 'em befoor being smoord,—did iver ony body see +sich a +seet as aw am?"</p> + +<p>"Why tha luks like a sheep heead wi brain sauce tem'd over it, +said +one."</p> + +<p>"He needn't carry a scent bottle wi' him, they'll be able to +smell him +withaat," said another.</p> + +<p>"Ha shall aw have to get clean," says Slinger. "Aw can't goa +hooam this +pictur?"</p> + +<p>"Tha'll have to get sombdy to scrape thi daan, unless tha +thinks tha's +getten enuff o'th' scrape tha'rt in already;—but aw think +tha'd better +goa hooam to th' wife an' tell her tha's comed."</p> + +<p>"He's noa need to do that, if shoo's ought of a nooas sho'll +find it +aght.</p> + +<p>"Well if this is what comes o' being a bobby aw'll drop it, +but for +gooidness sake lads, niver split for aw'st niver hear th' last o' this +do."</p> + +<p>At last they persuaded Slinger to goa hooam. What he said to +th' wife +or what shoo said to him folk niver knew, but certain it is 'at shoo +went an' left him an' lived wi her mother for aboon a wick at after.</p> + +<p>When he turned aght next mornin to goa see th' superintendent, +he luked +like a gate-post 'at's studden in a rookery for six months. He'd to +wait a bit afoor he could see him, but when he did he said "Maister!" +aw've comed to get turned off for awm sick o' this job—no +moor +cunstublin for me, aw've had enuff."</p> + +<p>"Why my good man," he said, "what's up? Have yo dropt in for +summat yo +dooant like?"</p> + +<p>"Aw have,—an' summat's been dropt onto me at aw +dooant like, an aw've +made up my mind to throw up th' drumsticks an' tak to honest hard wark +for a livin."</p> + +<p>"Well young man, yo seem dissatisfied, but yo should remember +'at we're +like soldiers in a war, we're feightin agean things 'at isn't reight, +its nut allus straight forrard, it seems yors has'nt been this time, +but +its one o'th chances o' war' at yo mun expect."</p> + +<p>"It may be a chance o' war, but it'll be a chance o' better +afoor yo +catch me at it agean, so gooid mornin."</p> + +<p>When he'd getten into th' street he langed to goa up to owd +Molly's +agean, but thowts o'th' neet afoor kept him back, and varry weel it wor +soa, for Jim o' Long wor dooin his best to flay th' owd woman woll +shoo'd be glad to have him and shut up th' wisht shop,—an' be +shot he +managed, for shoo promised shoo'd wed him in a month, an' shoo wor as +gooid as her word.</p> + +<p>Jimmy settled daan to his cobblin (for he reckoned to do a bit +at that +when he did ought), an' he worked away varry weel for a bit, an' Molly +took a pride i'th' garden aghtside an' th' haase inside, an' they were +varry comfortable. But ther wor just an odd booan somewhear abaght Jim +'at did'nt like wark, an' aw think it must 'ha' been a wopper, for it +used to stop all t'other ivery nah and then for two or three days +together. He liked to goa an' sit i'th' beershop opposite, an' have a +pint or two, an' Molly knew it wor her bit o' brass at wor gooin, for +shoo said "he hardly haddled as mich sometimes as he cost i' wax."</p> + +<p>One day he'd been rayther longer nor usual, an' shoo wor just +ready for +him.</p> + +<p>"Aw thowt tha used to tell me at it wornt th' ale tha wanted, +It wor me; +but na it is'nt me ta wants, it's the ale."</p> + +<p>"Why, woll a chap lives he con alter his mind, connot he?" +said Jim.</p> + +<p>"Oh! soa tha's altered thi mind, has ta? Tha's noa need to +tell me that, +aw can see it, an' aw've altered mine too, an' aw've a gooid mind to +pail my heead agean th' jawm when aw think on it."</p> + +<p>"Why, lass, it's a pity to spoil a gooid mind, but aw'st +advise thi to +tak thi cap off for fear o' crushin it."</p> + +<p>"An' if aw did crush it, whose brass wor it at bought it, aw +should like +to know? Tha's taen moor brass across th' rooad this wick nor what ud +ha +bought booath a cap an a bonnet, an' tha'rt staring across nah as if +tha +langed to be gooin agean. What are ta starin at?"</p> + +<p>"Nay nowt, but aw think ther's a mule i'th' garden," said Jim.</p> + +<p>"He'd hardly getten th' words aght ov his maath, when Molly +seizes th' +besom, an' flies aght, saying, "It's just what yo mun expect when folk +come hooam hauf druffen, an' leeav th' gate oppen."</p> + +<p>"Whativer has th' owd craytur up," says Jim. "Shoo surely +doesn't think +aw mean ther wor a mule i'th' garden? Aw nobbut meant ther wor a bit ov +a row i'th' hoil; but aw'll niver be trusted if shoo is'nt lukkin under +th' rhubub leaves, as if shoo thowt a mule could get thear, but shoo'll +be war mad at ther isn't one nor what shoo wod ha been if shoo'd fun +hauf a duzzen."</p> + +<p>Molly coom back in a awful temper. "Soa tha thowt tha couldn't +do enuff +to aggravate me but tha mun mak a fooil on me?"</p> + +<p>"Why, wornt ther one?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, ther worn't, an' tha knew that."</p> + +<p>"Ther wor summat 'at luk'd as faal as one, daatless, when tha +wor +thear."</p> + +<p>"Come, tha's noa room to talk. Aw think aw'm as handsom as +thee, ony +end up. Folk may weel wonder what aw could see i' thee, and aw niver +should ha had thee if aw had'nt been varry cloise seeted."</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt booath cloise seeted and cloise fisted, aw think, and +if tha wor +cloiser maathed sometimes ther'd be less din."</p> + +<p>"Thear tha goaas agean. Aw've spakken, have aw. Aw'll tell thi +what +it is, tha can't bide to be tell'd o' thi faults, but aw'm nooan gooin +to be muzzled to suit thee."</p> + +<p>"Why, lass, it isn't oft tha oppens thi maath for nowt, tha +generally +lets summat aght."</p> + +<p>"Well, an' when tha oppens thine, tha generally lets summat +in, soa +we're abaght straight."</p> + +<p>"Aw wish we wor, lass, for aw'm stoled o' this bother, an' if +ther isn't +a mule i'th' garden nah, ther's summat else, for if that isn't Slinger, +aw wor niver soa capt i' my life. Why, he looks as fat as a pig. Oppen +th' door, an' ax him in, for it's th' first time aw've seen him sin +he'd +his heead in a pooltice."</p> + +<p>"Gooid day, Slinger; ha ta gettin on?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, meeterly just. Aw thowt a callin when aw went past afoor, +but ther +wor sich a din, aw thowt ther mud be a mule i' th'"—</p> + +<p>"What does ta say," says Molly. "Has ta come here to taunt me? +"Aw've +been tell'd abaght that mule afoor this afternooin."</p> + +<p>"Molly," said Jim, "tha caps me. Doesn't ta know what folk +mean when +they say there's a mule i' th' garden? They mean there's a bit of a +dust i' th' hoil, that's all mun."</p> + +<p>"Oh! is that it!" says Molly. "Aw see nah. Yo know aw'm to be +excused +if aw dooant understand iverything, for aw'm not mich of a scholard; +ther worn't schooils like there is nah when aw wor a lass; but aw'd a +brother once 'at wor as cliver as onybody—he used to be able +to rule +th' planets; but he wor draaned at last, an' aw declare aw've niver +been +able to bide th' seet o' watter sin'. Aw believe that wor what made me +start o' brewin."</p> + +<p>"Why yo happen have a sup left, said Slinger?"</p> + +<p>"Ea lad, ther's some i' that pewter sithee—tak howd +an sup."</p> + +<p>"Thank thi' "he said, an' here's wishing at ther may niver be +a 'mule i' +th' garden' but what 'll be as easy getten shut on as this has been +this +afternooin."</p> + +<p>"Gooid lad Slinger! Tha talks like a book. Aw believe if tha'd +had a +better bringin up tha'd ha' made a philosipher says Molly."</p> + +<p>"Tha had a fancy once to be a police ossifer hadn't ta said +Jim? But aw +think tha's getten that nooation purged aght on thi nah?"</p> + +<p>"Well, aw gate it swill'd aght on me ony way. But aw think +some times' +at it towt me a bit o' sense, an' whoiver he is 'at wants to raise +hissen up, by poolin somdy else daan, aw hope he'll get sarved ith' +same +way; for when a chap shuts his een to ivery body's interests but his +own +he desarves to be dropt on—but if we'd all to strive to lend +one +another a hand, things ud go on a deal smoother, an' as nooan on us is +perfect, we ought to try by kindness an' gooid natur an by practisin a +bit o' patience to mak one another's rooad as pleasant as we con, an if +we stuck to that we should find fewer mules i' th' garden."</p> + +<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: 3em;">* + * + * + * + * * + *</span><br> + +</div> + +<p>"O! an' soa that's th' tale abaght Slinger, is it Ezra?"</p> + +<p>"That's it uncle, its done nah."</p> + +<p>"Its abaght time it wor, an' th' next time tha comes here an' +brings a +tale wi' thi mak it hauf as long an' it'll be twice as welcome.'</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="A_Neet_at_Widups_Rest" id="A_Neet_at_Widups_Rest"></a>A Neet at "Widup's +Rest."</h2> + +<p>We've mooast on us, at one 'time or another, accidentally +dropt amang +company withaat havin ony idea o' spendin mich time wi' em, an' yet +we've kept stoppin an' stoppin, feelin as happy as con be, an' niver +thinkin for a minit what a blowin-up we should get when we landed +hooam. +An' aw've mony a time thowt 'at a body enjoys a bit ov a doo o' that +sooart a deal better nor a grand set affair, becoss when a body expects +nowt it's hardly likely he'll be disappointed. Well, it wor one day +last +winter 'at aw'd walked monny a weary mile, an' it wor commin dark, when +aw called at "Widdup's Rest," to see if aw could get owt to comfort me +old inside, for aw wor feelin varry wamley. As sooin as th' lonlady saw +me shoo ax'd me to step forrads into another raam, which aw did, an' +fan +a few chaps set raand a fire fit to rooast a bull, an' lukkin varry +jolly. As sooin as they saw me they made raam for me at th' hob end, +an' began talkin to me as friendly as if they'd known me all ther life. +Aw sooin began to feel varry mich at hooam wi' em, an' as th' lonlady +browt in some basins o' hot stew 'at shoo wodn't be paid for, (an old +trick to get fowk to spend twice as mich another rooad) an' as another +chap wod pay for all we had to sup an' smook, aw thowt aw mud ha gone +farther an' fared worse. It worn't long befoor some moor coom droppin +in (ha that happens aw dooant know, but aw darsay you'll ha nooaticed +it +monny a time yorsen, 'at if ther's owt stirrin 'at's cheap ther's allus +a certain class o' fowk 'at drop in accidentally).</p> + +<p>After a bit, we mustered a varry nice pairty ov abaat a dozen, +an' as +iverybody wor tawkin at once we managed to mak a fairish din. But at +last one o'th' chaps proposed 'at we should have a cheerman, an' see if +we couldn't conduct business in a moor sensible manner. Ivery body sed, +"hear, hear!" an' ov cooarse th' chap 'at wor standin sam wor voated +in, +which seemed to give him mich satisfaction, an aw couldn't help +thinking +'at he worn't th' furst chap 'at had getten put i' sich a position for +his brass an' net his brains.</p> + +<p>After "order" had been called two or three times bi every body +i'th' +place, th' cheerman stood up an' sed, "Gentlemen, aw feel varry praad +to +okkipy this cheer, an' aw'll do mi best to discharge the duties that +disolves upon me at this important crikus, an' aw think if ony body +wants to order owt they'd better do it at once, soas we shalln't have +ony interruptions." We all shaated, "hear, hear!" agean, an' th' +lonlady wor i'th' raam befoor we'd time to ring th' bell. When we'd all +getten supplied th' cheerman stood up agean, an' knockin th' table wi' +a +empty ale bottle, sed, "silence!"</p> + +<p>We ivery one shaated "silence!" an' luk'd daggers at one +another for +makkin sich a din, an' then he went on to say, "Gentlemen, as aw'm a +stranger amang yo, ov coorse aw dooant know mich abaat yo, but aw +should +be varry mich pleeased if one on yo wod oblige bi singing a song."</p> + +<p>"Nah ther's a chonce for thee, Cocky," sed one.</p> + +<p>"Tha knows aw connot sing," sed Cocky, "aw think Ike ud do +better nor +me."</p> + +<p>"Nay, aw can sing nooan," sed Ike, "aw niver sang owt i' mi +life but' +Rock-a-boo-babby,' an' it's soa long sin aw've forgetten that, but +ther's old Mosslump thear, happen he'll give us one, we all know he can +sing." "Dooant thee pitch onto me," sed Mosslump, "it'll be time enuf +for thee to start o' orderin when we mak thi into th' cheerman, what +can't yo start wi' Standhen for, we know he can sing?"</p> + +<p>"O, Standhen!" they sed, "we'd forgetten Standhen! He can give +us a owd +Tory touch we know."</p> + +<p>Up jumpt th' cheerman, an befoor Standhen had time to spaik he +called +aght, "Mr. Standhen! We're all waitin for thy song, an as cheerman o' +this assembly aw expect thee to do what tha con to entertain this +compny, or otherwise aw shall vacate this cheer."</p> + +<p>As all th' glasses wor beginnin to get low, they felt this to +be an +appeal to ther inmost sowl, soa they all began, perswadin Standhen, an' +after a deeal to do he promised to try. "Aw know awst braik daan befoor +aw start," he sed. "Nay, tha'll have to start furst," sed one, "but +we'll excuse thi if tha does; if tha tries it'll show willin." After +coughin once an' suppin twice, he shut his e'en an' oppened his maath, +an' this is what coom aght:—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Thou grand old Church of +England!</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Though others raise their +voice,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And try to stain thy +spotless name,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Thou still shall be my +choice;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Just as thou art, I love +thee thus,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And freely I confess,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I'd have thee not one +jot the more,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Nor yet one tittle less.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Those who would rob thee +of thy rights,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And urge with specious +tongue,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">That theft by Act of +Parliament</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Can surely not be wrong.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I'd have them leave thy +sheltering wing,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And nevermore to dare</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To stand within thy +courts of praise,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Or taint thy house of +prayer.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Oh! dear old Church of +England,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That points the way to +Heaven!</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Amid a sad, sad world of +sin</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">The truly, only leaven.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We leave thee to our +Father's care,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Who knows thy needs the +best,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Convinced that He, by +aid of thee,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Will leaven all the rest.</span><br> + +<p>When he'd finished they all knocked ther glasses on th' table +bi way ov +applaudin, which th' lonlady hearin, at once coom in an' ax'd if they +wor "callin?" an' as all wor empty, shoo luk'd varry hard at th' +cheerman, an' he nodded "as befoor," soa shoo gethered up th' empties, +an' called for Liza "to bring in them glasses," which wor at once done, +an' showd a gooid deal o' foreseet on her part i' havin 'em ready.</p> + +<p>When all had getten sarved wi' hot watter, an' given ovver +crushin +sugar, th' cheerman announced 'at it wor Mr. Standhen's call, soa up +jumped Standhen, an' said "he couldn't do better nor call owd Mosslump +for a song." Some moor applause followed this, but they didn't knock +th' tables wi' ther glasses this time, becoss they wor too full. +Mosslump stood up, wiped his maath wi' th' corners ov his necktie, +turned up his e'en as if he wor gooin to depart this life i' peace, an' +in a voice, time, an' manner peculiarly his own he sung—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Mistress Moore is +Johnny's wife,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' Johnny is a druffen +sot;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He spends th' best +portion ov his life</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">I'th beershop wi' a pipe +an' pot.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">At schooil together John +an' me</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Set side by side like +trusty chums,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' niver did we disagree</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Till furst we met sweet +Lizzy Lumbs.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">At John shoo smiled,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">An' aw wor riled;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Shoo showed shoo loved +him moor nor me</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Her bonny e'en</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Aw've seldom seen</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Sin' that sad day shoo +slighted me.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw've heeard fowk say +shoo has to want,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For Johnny ofttimes gets +o'th spree;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He spends his wages in a +rant,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' leeaves his wife to +pine or dee.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' monny a time aw've +ligged i' bed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' cursed my fate for +bein poor,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' monny a bitter tear +aw've shed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">When thinkin ov sweet +Mistress Moore.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">For shoo's mi life</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Is Johnny's wife,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' tho' to love her +isn't reet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">What con aw do,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">When all th' neet throo</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw'm dreeamin ov her +e'en soa breet.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw'll goa away an' +leeave this spot,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For fear 'at we should +iver meet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For if we did, as sure +as shot</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Awst throw me daan anent +her feet.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw know shoo'd think aw +wor a fooil,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To love a woman when +shoo's wed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But sin' aw saw her +furst at schooil,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">It's been a wretched life +aw've led.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">But th' time has come</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">To leeave mi hooam,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' th' sea between us +sooin shall roar,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Yet still mi heart</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Will niver part</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Wi' th' image ov sweet +Mistress Moore.</span><br> + +<p>Long befoor he'd done th' chaps had begun tawkin, some abaat +politics an +some abaat Knursticks, an' when he sat daan th' cheerman wor th' only +quiet chap i' th' lot, an' he wor ommost asleep; but Mosslump comforted +hissen wi' whisperin to me 'at classical mewsic wor varry little thowt +on, an' after a sigh, a sup, a shake ov his head, an' another leet for +his pipe, he sat daan evidently detarmined not to be suited wi' owt i' +th' singin way that neet. After th' cheerman had wakken'd up, two or +three called for "Cocky," an' this time he gate up withaat ony excuses, +an' although he did rock backards an' forrads like a clock pendlum th' +wrang end up, yet aw must say he entered life an' soul into what he had +to do, an' in a voice 'at seemed three times too big for the size ov +his +carcass he sang—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Lord John and John Lord +were both born on a day,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But their fortunes were +different quite;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Lord John was decked out +in most gorgeous array,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As soon as he first saw +the light.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But poor Johnny Lord, +it's true on my word,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">He'd no clothes to step +into at all;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He'd no flannel to wrap, +he'd no nightgown or cap,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But was rolled in his poor +mother's shawl.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Now, it seems very +strange, yet it's true what I say</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">And I hope you're not +doubting my word;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">And I'll tell what took +place in a general way,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 6em;">With Lord John and with +poor Johnny Lord</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The nurse took Lord +John, and the doctors stood round,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And examined the child and +his clothes;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Whilst a fussy +physician, with looks most profound,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Wiped his aristocratical +nose.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">"It is, I declare, most +uncommonly fair,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And its voice, oh! how +sweet when it cries;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It really would seem +like the child of a dream,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Or an angel just dropt +from the skies."</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Now, it seems very +strange, &c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Now, poor Johnny Lord +and his mother were laid,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Both fainting and cold +on the straw;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">No doctors would come +there unless they were paid,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Or compelled to be there +by the law.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">No comforting word heard +poor Mistress Lord,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As o'er her babe bending +she sat,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And each one who saw it +cried with one accord,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">"What a little detestable +brat."</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Now, it seems very +strange, &c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The two babes became men +as the years rolled away.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And Lord John sported +carriage and pair,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Whilst poor Johnny Lord +working hard for poor pay,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Was content with what fell +to his share.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Lord John went to races, +to balls and to routs,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And squandered his wealth +with the gay,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Till at last came the +reaper, and sought them both out,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And took Lord John and +John Lord away.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Now, it seems very +strange, &c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Very soon a grand +monument stood o'er Lord John,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To show where the great +man was laid,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But over John Lord was +no mark and no stone,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">It was left as when left +by the spade.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But the time yet shall +come when John Lord and Lord John</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Shall meet in the realms +far away,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When the riches and +titles of earth are all gone,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Then which will be +greatest, friends, say?</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Then, though it seems +strange, yet it's true what you've heard,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 6.5em;">And a lesson throughout +it is cast,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Which should comfort the +poor working men like John Lord,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">For we all shall be +equal at last.</span><br> + +<p>As sooin as he'd finished quaverin on th' last noat but one, +ther wor +sich a knockin o' glasses an' thump in o' fists, wol th' lonlady coom +in +agean, an' th' cheerman felt it his duty to order "as befoor," which +order th' lonlady worn't long i' executin. "Gooid lad! Cocky!" sed Ike, +"if aw'd a voice like thee aw'd travel! Tawk abaat Sims Reeves! He +niver sang a song like that sin he wor creddled! Nah Maister Cheerman, +keep up th' harmony, we're mendin on it aw'm sure. 'Gow, aw'll have +another pipe o' bacca o' th' heead on it' nay, raylee, aw niver did +hear +sich a song," savin which he sat daan an' hid his astonishment behund a +claad o' reek.</p> + +<p>"Well," sed th' cheerman, "as Ike seems soa anxious, aw think +he'd +better try an' let's see what he con do." "Hear, hear!" on all sides, +an' two or three pulled him up whether he wod or net, an' after a gooid +deal o' sidelin abaat, he axed if he mud have his cap on, for he could +niver sing withaat cap. "That's to keep th' mewsic throo flyin aght +o'th' top ov his heead," sed one. "Order!" sed th' cheerman, "if Ike +wants his cap on let him have it, may be he'll loise th' air withaat +it."</p> + +<p>Ike luk'd very solid for a minit, an' then he struck a lively +tune in a +voice abaat as musical as a saw sharpener.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Let us have a jolly +spree,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' wi' joy an' harmonie,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Let the merry moments +flee,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For mi love's come back.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">O, the days did slowly +pass,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When aw'd lost mi little +lass,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But nah we'll have a +glass,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For mi love's come back.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">O, shoo left me in a hig,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' shoo didn't care a +fig,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But nah aw'll donce a +jig,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For mi love's come back.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' aw know though far +away,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At her heart neer went +astray,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' awst iver bless the +day,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For mi love's come back.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When shoo ax'd me +yesterneet</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What made mi heart so +leet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw says, "why can't ta +see it's</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">'Coss mi love's come back."</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then aw gave her just a +kiss,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' shoo tuk it noan +amiss</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' aw'm feear'd aw'st +brust wi' bliss,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For mi love's come back.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Nah aw'm gooin to buy a +ring,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' a creddle an' a +swing,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther's noa tellin what +may spring,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For mi' love's come back.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">O, aw niver thowt befoor</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At sich joy could be i' +stoor,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But nah aw'l grieve noa +moor,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For mi love's come back.</span><br> + +<p>As mud ha been expected, they applauded Ike famously, but th' +cheerman +wor hard asleep agean, an' it tuk a gooid shakkin to wakken him, an' +then he didn't seem to be altogether thear, an' as sooin as they left +him aloan he dropt on agean.</p> + +<p>"Aw think th' cheerman's ommost sewed up," sed Ike. "Net he! +he's noan +sewed up," sed Mosslump, "it's that song o' thine 'at's sent him to +sleep! who the shames does ta think could keep wakken for sich a song +as +that? aw knew tha'd do it as sooin as aw heeard thi begin." "Come, +aw'll sing thee for a quairt any day," sed Ike, "tha fancies coss tha'd +once a uncle 'at could sing a bit, 'at ther's some mewsic born i' thee; +but if aw'd a public haase aw wodn't let thee sing in it for a paand, +for aw'll bet tha'd turn all th' ale saar." "Tha am't worth tawkin to, +Ike, an' as for thee havin a voice, Why! tha arn't fit to hawk cockles +an' mussels." "Well, an if aw did hawk 'em aw'd tak gooid care aw +didn't +sell thee ony unless aw gate th' brass befoorhand, soa tha can crack +that nut." "Does ta mean to say 'at aw dooant pay mi way? aw've moor +brass commin in ivery day nor tha can addle in a wick." Aw saw it luk'd +likely for a row brewin, soa aw sed, "nah chaps, we've had a verry nice +evening soa far, an' aw shouldn't like ony unpleasantness, for yo see +th' cheerman's had a drop too much, an' aw think we owt to try to get +him hooam if ony body knows wheear he lives." "Eea!" sed one chap 'at +had been varry quite all th' neet, "aw dooant think he'll pay for owt +ony moor, soa we mud as weel get shut on him." "Ther's Frank standin' +at th' corner," sed another "aw dar say he'll tak him." "Who's Frank, +aw asked." "O, it's a donkey 'at they call Frank," sed Ike, "th' chap +'at bowt him had him kursened Frank i' honor o' Frank Crossley bein +made +a member o' parliment." "Varry weel," aw sed, "then let's get him onto +it." One or two came to give a lift, an' wi' a bit o' trouble we gate +him aghtside. Th' donkey wor thear, but as ther wor a gurt milk can o' +each side on it, aw couldn't see exactly ha to put this chap on. "O," +sed Ike, "he'll ride nicely between' em," soa we hoisted him up, an' +gave th' chap 'at belang'd donkey a shilling to see him safe hooam. Off +they went at a jog trot, an' aw fancy if he'd niver known owt abaat th' +can can befoor, 'at he'd have a varry lively noation o' what it meant +befoor he'd gooan two mile daan th' hill. When we'd getten him away, +some o'th chaps went back into th' haase, but aw thowt my wisest plan +wor to steer straight for hooam, which aw did, an' although aw believe +my old woman had prepared a dish o' tongue for mi supper, as aw went +straight to bed an' fell asleep, aw'm net exactly sure whether aw gate +it or net. When aw wakken'd next mornin, aw began thinking abaat th' +neet befoor, an' aw coom to th' conclusion, 'at "Widdop's Rest" might +be +all varry weel once in a way, but if a chap had weary booans, he'd be +able to rest a deal better in a comfortable bed at hooam".</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Tinklin_Tom" id="Tinklin_Tom"></a>Tinklin' +Tom.</h2> + +<p>Some time ago I was accidentally thrown into the im company of +a number +of workmen, who were just wondering how to pass the remainder of the +dinner hour agreeably; and, as they were all indulging in the favourite +after dinner pipe, with one exception, it was proposed that this one, +whom they called Amos, should tell them one of his stories. Amos, +nothing loth, and, evidently accustomed to occupy the position of a +story teller, without any apology commenced:—</p> + +<p>"Nah, aw dooan't think for a minit, 'at yo all knew this +tinklin' Tommy, +'at aw'm gooin to tell yo abaght. Nowt o'th' soort! Its net to be +expected! But aw dar say yo've all known a tinklin chap o' some +sooart—one o' them 'ats allus boddin an' doin jobs they niver +sarved +ther time to—a sooart o' jack-o'-all-trades, one 'at con turn +his hand +to owt ommost. Nah, aw like a chap o' that sooart, if he doesn't carry +things too far: but when he begins to say 'at he con build a haase as +weel as a mason, an' mak a kist o' drawers as weel as a joiner, or +praich a sarmon as weel as th' parson—or playa bazzoon, or +spetch a +pair o' clogs better nor ony man breathin—then, aw say, tak +care an' +ha' nowt to do wi' him. It isn't i'th' natur ov ony body to be able to +do ivery thing, an' yo 'll oft find 'at them 'at con do all bi ther +tawk, con varry seldom do owt reight.</p> + +<p>This Tinklin Tom, 'at aw knew, lived at Northaaram, an' he'd +managed to +mak fowk believe 'at he wor a varry cliver chap, an' whoiver wanted owt +doin they wor sure to send for Tom; an' varry oft he did better nor +like, to say 'at he had to do it aght ov his own heead; an' if iver he +made a mess o' owt, it wor sure to be th' fault o' th' stuff, or else +them 'at held th' leet: it wor niver Tommy's.</p> + +<p>It happened one time 'at Tom had a bit o' spare time ov his +hands, soa +he went up to th' aleus to get a pint o' drink, singing as he went, "Ye +lads an' lasses so blithe an' gay, come to the 'Woodlands,' come away." +"Hallo, Tom," said th' landlord, "tha'rt just th' chicken aw wor +wantin! +Tha mun gi' us a lift, wi' ta?"</p> + +<p>"A lift! What does ta mean? What is it tha wants liftin? Aw +dar say aw +con do mi share, for aw've seen th' time when ther worn't a chap i' +Awrram 'at could lift as mich as me."</p> + +<p>Why, Tom! aw'm capt tha hasn't heeard! Doesn't ta knaw 'at +we're goin to +have a grand tea-drinkin up stairs to neet, an' a grand ball ta finish +off wi'?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, ther's niver noabdy tells me owt," says Tom.</p> + +<p>"Well, aw thowt tha knew all abaght it—its to be a +furst rate doo; +tickets to be a shillin a piece, an' them 'at taks two con have' em for +one an' ninepence; an' we're gooin to have a peanner, for tha knaws noa +beershop's thowt respectable nah, unless ther's a peanner i' th' chamer +an' an ale pump i'th' bar, soa as aw dooan't want to be behund other +fowk, aw've borrowed one ov a musichener 'at keeps a shop, an' a grand +un it is as iver tha clapt thi een on."</p> + +<p>"What is it made on?" says Tom.</p> + +<p>"Aw dooan't knaw reightly, but aw think its awther mogny or +wallmuck—aw +forget whether; but there it is. Luk! Sithee!" he sed, runnin to th' +winder, "come help us to get it in."</p> + +<p>They booath ran aght to help th' lads at bad browt it, to get +it off th' +spring cart, an' they varry sooin had it inside. As sooin as Tom an' +th' +landlord wor left to thersen, they began to try to get it upstairs; but +they'd a job; they gat it up a step or two, an' thear it stuck.</p> + +<p>"Nah, then!" sed Tom, for he wor at th' top side, "nab then, +lift! howd +on! lift! lift! howd on! lift! What th' shames are ta dooin?"</p> + +<p>"Aw'm liftin," sed th' landlord, "what should aw be dooin, +thinks ta?"</p> + +<p>"Well, try agean," says Tom, "nah then, lift! lift! Oh-h-h! +Howd on! +what the hangmit are ta doin?"</p> + +<p>"What's up?" says th' landlord.</p> + +<p>"Can't ta see, lumpheead! tha's ommost brokken mi fingers +ageean that +step!"</p> + +<p>"Tha should keep thi fingers aght o'th' gate, an' then they +willn't get +brokken."</p> + +<p>"If tha doesn't mind what tha'rt saying, aw 'll pitch booath +thee an' it +to th' botham; an' it will ha' to goa thear yet, for it'll niver come +up +this way. They must be fooils 'at mak stuff ta big ta get up th' steps. +Aw once made a mangel 'at aw could tak up steps hauf this width."</p> + +<p>"Well, its net gooin up, that's plain enuff, Tom, soa what mun +we do +nah?"</p> + +<p>"We mun get it back, an' try to pull it in 'at th' charner +winder, but +we shall want a stee."</p> + +<p>"Oh, we can sooin get that," says th' landlord, "just thee +stop an' see +'at noabdy touches it, an' aw'll goa borrow one."</p> + +<p>Off he went, an' wor sooin back wi' th' stee; an' they reared +it up +agean th' charner winder an' teed a roap raand th' middle o'th' +peanner, +an' wol th' landlord went up th' stairs to pool, Tom stopt daan to put +it on an' shove, an' it began to goa up varry nicely, an' Tom followed +to steady it. When it had getten abaght hauf way, th' stee began to +bend +a gooid bit. "Steady fair," says th' landlord, "tha munnot come ony +farther, Tom: if tha does, it'll smash! Aw think awst be able to manage +nah." Soa Tom went back, an' th' landlord kept poolin it up a bit at a +time. As it kept gooin up an' up, it kept gettin a bit moor to one +side. +"Ha is it nah, Tom?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, its all serene—th' centre o' gravitum's all +reight up to nah," +says Tom.</p> + +<p>Up it went—little an' little—an' ivery +time it stirr'd it gat a bit +moor off th' edge, an' just as he'd getten it to th' winder bottom, +ovver it went an' daan it fell wi' a crash an' a buzz, like a volley o' +donce music shot aght ov a cannon, an' aght coom all th' neighbors to +see what wor up.</p> + +<p>An' it did luk a seet, reight enuff. Th' top had flown off, +an' one leg +stuck aght one way an tother stuck aght another. It wodn't ha' luk'd +hauf as ill if it had been an owd deal box o' some sooart; but a grand +mogny peanner—it luk'd just awful, Its like a druffen chap +'ats dressed +i' black cloath—he allus luks war nor one 'ats dress'd i' +fushten.</p> + +<p>"Well, what's to be done nah?" says th' landlord, when he'd +getten daan +ta Tom agean, "tha reckons to knaw a bit o' summat abaght music, +doesn't +ta? What mun wi' do wi' this lot?"</p> + +<p>"Well," says Tom, "aw've put a hanel or two on to a box organ +an' +polished a flute or two i' mi time, soa aw owt to knaw summat, but +aw've +niver had owt to do wi' peanners; but aw dar say if we had it inside, +aw +could do a bit o' summat wi' it."</p> + +<p>"We can easy manage that," said th' landlord, "for we can tak +it up i' +numbers!"</p> + +<p>In a short time they had it carried up an' put together, but +what +bothered Tom wor, all th' strings wor in a lump, for th' wood 'at they +wor screw'd to had brokken lawse an' tumelled into th' bottom.</p> + +<p>"Nah, if we could nobbut get this wood wi' all thease pegs in, +an' all +thease wires fesend to it, lifted up into th' reight spot, aw think +ther'd be a chonce o' gettin some mewsic aght on it—soa seize +hold an' +lift," said Tom. An' they did lift I for they lifted th' peanner clean +off th' floor.</p> + +<p>"A'a dear! this'll never do," says Tom, "aw niver saw ony body +frame wor +i' mi life; we mun ha' somdy to sit on it to hold it daan. Connot th' +mistress spare time, thinks ta? Shoo's a tidy weight.</p> + +<p>"Sally, come here!" shaated aght th' landlord, an' shoo wor up +in a +minit. "Nah, we want thee to sit daan o' this article wol we lift."</p> + +<p>"What, sit me daan o'th' kays, does ta mean? Tha doesn't think +at aw con +play, does ta lad?"</p> + +<p>"Sit thee daan! says th' landlord, varry cross; tha's noa need +to be +feeard o' been blown up—its nooan a wind instrument."</p> + +<p>Shoo set daan, tho' shoo didn't seem mich to like it, an after +a gooid +deal o' tuggin an' poolin, th' chaps managed to get it up within abaght +an inch o' whear it had been befoor.</p> + +<p>"Thear!" said Tom, "that begins to luk moor like summat." +"Eea, it +does," says th' landlord, "aw shouldn't be daan abaght makin a peanner +after this; but if aw did mak one, aw'd mak one 'at wodn't braik wi' +fallin an odd stoory. Aw dooant think him aw borrowed it on 'll be able +to find owt aght."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw dooant knaw," says Tom, "aw'm th' fastest what to do +wi' +thease thingams 'at waggles abaght soa; tha sees they owt to hit thease +wires, but they're all too long someha."</p> + +<p>"Why, doesn't ta think 'at tha could shorten 'em a bit? It +luks to me +as if it 'll do if them gets shortened, Sally! get up! Are ta baan to +sit thear all th' day? Go an' borrow yond butcher's saig, an' then Tom +can cut thease foldedols."</p> + +<p>Sally went an' left' em booath starin at th' music box, as +shoo called +it, an' when shoo'd gooan th' landlord walked raand it two or three +times, an' then stoppin i' front o' Tom, he said, "Well, Tom, aw allus +thowt 'at tha wor fond o' tinklin at all sooarts o' jobs, but aw didn't +gie thee credit for being able to do owt like this."</p> + +<p>"Why, yo' see, maister, its born i' some fowk,' replied Tom. +"Nah when +aw wor a lad aw once made a tin whistle aght ov a brass canel-stick, +an' +they could ha' played on it too, but it tuk sich a deal o' wind, but +ther wor a chap 'at used to come to awr haase 'at blew it mony a time."</p> + +<p>"Tha doesn't say soa! A'a, what a thing it is to be born wi' +sich a +heead as thine; aw wonder tha doesn't crack thi brain wi' studdyin soa +mich abaght things. Aw've thowt mony a time when aw've heeard fowk tawk +abaght thee 'at its a thaasand pities thi mother hadn't twins."</p> + +<p>"Why," said Tom, "aw think sometimes 'at if aw'd been edicated +aw should +happen a capt somdy; but that's Sally's fooit, aw think."</p> + +<p>Sally browt th' saig, an' after a gooid deal o' squarin +abaght, Tom said +"Aw think th' best plan 'll be to cut th' lot off to start wi', an' +then +we can mak 'em what length we want 'em."</p> + +<p>"Suit thi sen, tha owt to knaw," said th' landlord, an' Tom +began to +saig away. He'd getten th' hauf on 'em cut, when up comes th' chap at +they'd borrowed it on. "I understand you've had an accident," he said, +"but I hope its not much worse?"</p> + +<p>"Well, it has getten a bit ov a shake," says Tom, "but aw +think we'll be +able to mak it all square agean in a bit."</p> + +<p>"Why, my dear fellow, what are you doing? You are destroying +the whole +affair—you are cutting the action!"</p> + +<p>"Action! What action? What does ta mean?" says Tom.</p> + +<p>"Why, you are cutting the working part all to pieces!"</p> + +<p>"Warkin pairt! Aw'm dooin nowt o' th' sooart—its th' +playing pairt 'at +aw'm cuttin; but if aw ammot dooin reight, tak th' saig an' lets see ha +tha'll do it."</p> + +<p>"No, indeed—I shall have nothing to do with +it—the whole thing is +ruined; and the landlord will have to pay me for it, so I wish you a +very good day."</p> + +<p>Tom an' th' landlord watched him aght o'th' seet, an' for a +minit or two +nawther on 'em spake, but 'at th' last th' landlord says, "What's to be +done, Tom? what's to be done?"</p> + +<p>Tom seemed as dumb as th' peanner an' dived his hands into his +britches +pockets varry near up to th' elbows.</p> + +<p>"If aw wor yo maister," he said, "aw wodn't bother ony moor +wi' this to +day, for ther's a deal o' tinklin wark to be done at it afoor its fit +for mich; aw'd shove it into a corner an' say nowt abaght it for fear +it +might stop th' tickets for sellin, an' when fowk have getten ther tea +an' want to donce, ther's sure some music to turn up throo somewhear."</p> + +<p>Th' landlord seemed convinced ther wor some truth i' what he +said, soa +they lifted it carefully into a corner an' left it.</p> + +<p>Ther wor a rare sale o' tickets that day, an' when tea time +coom they +wor as mony as three sittins daan, but th' pots were noa sooiner sided +nor they began to ax abaght th' mewsic. Tom had set varry still wol he +saw all ready—then standing up wi' his cap i' his hand, he +coff'd an' +began, "Ladies an' gents—its a vary unfortunate affair, is +this; but yo +see troubles are niver to seek: th' landlord said he'd have a peanner +to +neet, an' he's getten one, but its aght o' tune; but rayther nor yo +should be disappointed aw'll whistle a tune for yo misen, an' aw think +ther's two or three moor at '11 be able to help me a bit."</p> + +<p>Withaat moor adoo he struck up a tune: th' lasses giggled an +th' lads +luk'd soft; but in a bit one or two gate up, an' began turnin raand, +an' +it worn't long afoor they wor all whirlin away like a lot o' +scopperils, +an' as happy as happy could be. Tom sooin fun two or three moor to help +him at whistling, an' afoor it wor ovver they all agreed 'at they'd +niver enjoyed thersen hauf as weel at ony ball they'd iver been at +afoor, as they had that neet; but th' best o' friends mun pairt, an' +th' +time coom when they mud goa hooam, soa just bith' way ov a wind up, Tom +stood ov a bench an' then made a varry nice soort ov a speech, an' +ended +bi sayin "ha sorry he felt for th' landlord: for he'd have a deal o' +brass to pay to mak up for th' accident 'at's happened, an' as they'd +all enjoy'd thersen soa weel, he thowt they wodn't object to mak a +collection ov a trifle to help him, an' he should have mich pleasure i' +gooin raand wi' th' hat."</p> + +<p>After this speech they all began fumlin i' ther pockets an' +declaring +they'd do what they could for him; an' when th' hat went raand they +worn't one but what gave summat an' as ther wor twenty-three on 'em, it +coom to eleven-pence-hawpny. Tom handed it ovver to th' landlord, who +thanked' em in a varry neat an affectin way, an' begged on 'em to have +a +shillin oth' o' warm ale at his expense, which they had. After that +they +separated, thankful to think' at they'd been able to do a trifle +towards +helpin a chap aght ov his troubles.</p> + +<p>Th' landlord had to pay for th' peanner at last, an' as they +couldn't +mak it play, Tinklin Tom an' a plumber turned it into a ale pump, an' +it +stands i'th' bar to this day, an' they say its th' handsomest machine +o'th' sooart i' Northaaram. Th' landlord's studied music a bit sin' +then, an' as sooin as he hears th' kay nooat ov a chap's voice, he can +tell whether to draw him flat ale or sharp ale, as natural as con be. +An' they're gooin to kursen th' haase a "music ale haase;" an soa mony +fowk goa to see it, 'at th' landlord says he "fell i' luck for th' +furst +time in his life when th' peanner fell aght o'th' winder."</p> + +<p>"Ha! ha! ha! Well, that's a stunner, Amos! Tha's done that a +gooid en, +but yond's th' whew, soa we mun goa an' do another bit for th' maister. +Ha! ha! ha!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Th_New_Schooil_Booard" id="Th_New_Schooil_Booard"></a>Th' New Schooil Booard.</h2> + +<p>In a village not very far from where I am now sitting, and in +the +principal street, (for it was the only one,) was situated an +old-fashioned hostelry where nightly all the Solomons of the district +used to congregate. The room they occupied was a large kitchen, the +floor of which was scoured and sanded; and all the furniture, which was +immovable, was brushed as white as it was possible to be. Here they +held +their political discussions, and showed how Gladstone had missed it, +and +clearly demonstrated that had their advice been acted upon, the world +would very soon have become so regenerated that soldiers, sailors, +parliaments, and policemen, would be things altogether useless, and we +should soon be in such a position that pleasure would be the only +business of life. On the night of which I write, the conversation +turned +upon the question of School Boards. Old Michael, who was a great +authority on the question of education, owing to his daughter being a +pupil teacher, was at once appealed to for his opinion.</p> + +<p>"Well," he said, "awve net gooan soa deeply into this matter +as some +things, but aw should think 'at they'res gooin to be a mistak all th' +way through. If aw understand it reight, iverybody's to be eddicated to +sich a pitch, wol they'll be able to tak a sitiwation awther as a clark +at a bank or a clark at a chapel, an' yo know as weel as aw do 'at +ther's some fowk yo connot eddicate. My dowter has tell'd me monny a +time, 'at ther's a deeal o' fowk 'at's born withaat heeads. Yo may +think +it saands strange but aw believe it's true—they've nobbut +getten lumps, +an' they're like blind boils, yo may pooltice 'em as long as yo like, +an' yo can niver draw 'em to a heead, an' that bein th' case aw think +'at Forster's made a mess on it. Nah if he'd ha takken my advice, he'd +ha letten it alooan until sich times as fowk had getten sense enuff to +understand things."</p> + +<p>"But Michael," said Dick Dardust, "aw must say at aw dooant +agree +exactly wi' all tha says, an' aw connot help thinkin 'at thy dowter may +happen be mistakken abaat fowks' heeads."</p> + +<p>"Nah, if tha'rt gooin to set thisen up as superior to my +dowter, ov +coorse aw've done at once. If somdy 'at's spent soa monny year i' +improvin ther intellectul an' morbid sensibleness is to be questioned +bi +a ninkumpoop like thee, it's time to drop it."</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant want to set misen up at all, Michael, all aw have +to say is +'at th' best on us may be mistakken, an' aw've heeard a chap say, an' +yo +may tak his word for it, for he comes throo London, 'at this Schooil +Booard an' this technical eddication is baan to revolutionize this +country."</p> + +<p>"God forbid! 'at we should iver have ony revolution i' this +country as +long as aw live," said Simon o' th' Lee, who had been listening, 'for +ther's been blooid enuff shed latly.'</p> + +<p>"Nay," said Michael, "tha doesn't understand what he meeans, +he doesn't +meean wars, he meeans 'at things will ha to be turned raand. Nah my +dowter tells me 'at th' world's in a revolution allus, that is, it +keeps +turnin raand ov its own axle tree throo morn to neet an' niver stops."</p> + +<p>"A'a Michael,' said Simon, 'aw think thy dowter is tryin to +cram thi a +bit; nah did ta iver catch th' world th' wrang side up, for aw niver +did, an' aw've lived a year or two?"</p> + +<p>"Well, awm net able to argify it, all aw know is 'at awm +tell'd soa. But +to come back to th' old point, abaat this Schooil Booard, and technical +eddication? nah what do yo call technical eddication? Come, aat wi' it +some o' yo 'at reckon to be soa weel up."</p> + +<p>"Wel," said Dick, "technical eddication is, aw suppooas, +summat 'at fowk +leearns to do 'em some gooid, an' if aw understand it reight, it's +summat 'at fowk leearns withaat ony books or owt o' that sooart."</p> + +<p>"Nay," said Simon, "tha'rt wrang this time,—if aw +understand it, +technical eddication meeans leearnin th' names o' things sich as stars +an' plants an' joints o' mait, an' iverything o' that sooart; isn't +that +it, Michael?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant think it is, aw think Dick's nearer th' mark nor +thee, for aw +believe it's as he says, yo leearn it withaat ony books; in fact it's +that sooart o' eddication at fowk have 'at niver went to th' schooil, +it's a sooart o' common sense view o' things,—a sooart o' +beein able to +invent a way to do owt yo want ommost. Nah, aw'll gie yo a sample o' +what aw call technical eddication. My gronfayther wor booath deeaf an' +dumb an' laim, aw can just recollect him, tho he deed when aw wor a +lad; +he wor born deeaf an' dumb but he wornt born laim, that happened after +he gate to be a man. Well, he niver went to th' schooil, but yet he wor +one o' th' mooast genius chaps 'at iver yo met i' yor life; he'd a way +ov his own o' dooin iverything. Aw've heeard mi fayther tell 'at when +he +wor a lad, ther wor a family o' five on 'em, an' they all worked at th' +factory, an' as lads will, they sometimes stopt aat soa lat ov a neet +'at they fan it varry hard wark to get up next mornin; an' they had to +be up at five o'clock 'coss they'd a long way to walk. Nah, mi +gronfayther could nawther get up nor call aat, but ha do yo think he +managed to get' 'em aat o' bed? He used to allus keep abaat a barro +looad o' brokken bricks at his bedside, an' th' lads used to know as +sooin as they felt 'em flyin abaat ther heeads 'at it wor time to be +stirrin: one used to be enuff in a general way, but th' second wor sure +to do it, even if he wor a hard sleeper, an' if th' third didn't wakken +him, yo could book him for a tombstooan ony minit. Nah that's what aw +call technical eddication."</p> + +<p>"Well, if throwin bricks at a chaps heead is technical +eddication, aw +dooant see 'at we want a Schooil Booard to taich us that," said Jabez, +"for ther's lots 'at can manage that job withaat. Nah awl tell yo what +technical eddication is as yo all seem fast amang it."</p> + +<p>"Well, if tha can lawse us, we desarve putting in a pooak an' +shakkin +up," said Michael, low down, but just loud enough to be heard.</p> + +<p>"Aw heeard thi what tha sed Michael, but technical eddication +is that +sooart 'at taiches 'em a trade, an aw think its a varry sensible thing, +'an aw for one am i' favor ov a Schooil Board, 'an if we dooant get one +up, ther's sure to be some o' them local board chaps at will, an' aw +consider this to be a varry gooid time to consider th' subject, 'an +depend on it, them 'at start it will have th' best chonce o' being +vooated in members; an' as nooan on us but Michael has ony public +office, aw beg to propooas 'at we form ussen into a quorum an mak +application for a Schooil Booard, an' aw beg also to propooas 'at +Michael is th' cheerman."</p> + +<p>This last proposition was a varry good hit, for he knew that +if Michael +had the chance to be chairman, that he would not care a farthing what +the object might be,—and there are a many like Michael in +that +particular.</p> + +<p>Michael hum'd and ha'd a few times, but at last he overcame +his scruples +and said, "he didn't know but what it wor for th' best, and if it +wornt, +if it had to be done they might as weel have th' honor o' doin it as +onybody else."</p> + +<p>They held a meeting, but it would be useless for me to attempt +to make +you understand their arguments, for I did not, and I am pretty well +convinced that they were similarly situated; but at last it was +unanimously resolved that they should have a School Board, and Simon +called for pen, ink, and paper to draw up a petition, and he began in a +very promising manner, and proceeded very well until he came to the +word +technical, then he scratched his head.</p> + +<p>"What's to do nah?" said Michael.</p> + +<p>"Ha do yo spell technical?" said Simon, "is there a K in it?"</p> + +<p>"Ho eea! ther must be a K in it," said Dick, "let's see, teck, +neck, +peck, reck, check, deck, leck;—hi! ther must be a K in it, +ther's a K +i' all words o' that sooart."</p> + +<p>"Well, but aw believe ther isn't a K in it for all that," said +Simon, +"but whear's ther an old newspaper, we can happen find it mentioned +thear."</p> + +<p>So he got an old paper, and whilst he was running down the +columns, the +rest of the members were arranging when they could have th' furst feed +at th' heead o' th' Booard.</p> + +<p>"Nah," he said, "awve fun it."</p> + +<p>"An' ther's a K in it ov coarse," sed Michael.</p> + +<p>"As it happens tha'rt wrang for once," said Simon, "for ther +isn't."</p> + +<p>"Then ther owt to be, that's all, but aw dooant put ony faith +i' +newspapers, for when aw wor wed, they put in my name Michael withaat a +K."</p> + +<p>"Well, that wor reight enough, ther isnt a K i' Michael."</p> + +<p>"Oh, isnt ther?—varry gooid,—aw know 'at +my dowter spells it wi' a K +an' shoo's a pupil taicher, soa shoo owt to know," said Michael.</p> + +<p>"Thy dowter be blowed! tha wants to ram thy dowter daan ivery +body's +throit."</p> + +<p>"Do aw?—Awd be looath to ram her daan thy throit +anyway, tho it wodnt +be sich a varry hard job, for thi maath's ommost big enuff."</p> + +<p>"If its ony bigger accordingly nor thy nooas awl be smoored; +but tha con +tak th' Schooil Board an thi dowter too for what aw care, an' mich +gooid +may shoo do thi, for awl niver be under a cheerman at spells Michael +wi' +a K.</p> + +<p>"Nah chaps," said Dick Dardust, "dont yo fratch."</p> + +<p>"Simon does reight to fratch," said another, "Michael has noa +business +allus to be draggin in his dowter if shoo is a schooil mistress. My +wife's sister-i'-law had a hont 'at wor a schooil mistress, an' aw +dooant keep reapin it up."</p> + +<p>As each of them had had their pints replenished a number of +times during +the discussion, the old saying that "when drink's in wit is out," began +to be illustrated; and there was such an uproar in the place that the +landlord was compelled to send for some policemen to assist him in +turning them out, and when they had gone he muttered to himself, as he +picked up the broken pints, "Schooil Booards! its time they'd summat. +What do they want wi' Schooil Booards? Aw niver went to th' schooil an' +luk at me! why aw could sup a 18 gallon to mi own cheek an net mak soa +mich bother."</p> + +<p>Whilst all this had been going on, a few of the quiet and +unassuming +people of the village had met at the school room for the purpose of +considering the same subject. The clergyman was in the chair, and as +might be expected, the business was carried on in a very different +manner, and they decided to hold a public meeting, and give all an +opportunity to express their opinions. Judge the dismay of the pot +house +Solomons, when they saw the village placarded with announcements on +which the words "School Board," were in very large letters. They at +once +set about raising some opposition, for they felt themselves aggrieved.</p> + +<p>Michael and Simon o'th' Lee happened to meet as they were +going to work. +"Nah Simon, tha sees what a mess thy stupid wark's getten us into. If +tha hadn't sed ther wornt a K i' technical it ud niver ha' come to +this."</p> + +<p>"If tha hadn't sed 'at ther wor a K i' Michael it would niver +ha +happened, an' ther isnt a K i' technical."</p> + +<p>"Well, happen net, but ther is a K i' Michael, becoss my +dowter says—"</p> + +<p>"Thy dowter's a fooil! shoo taks after her faither!" said +Simon, as he +walked away.</p> + +<p>"Ha ha, ha! Well shoo hasnt lived to thy age withaat leearnin +to know at +ther's a K i' Michael," he shouted after him.</p> + +<p>But the public meeting was held, and there was some very +strong +opposition, and Michael made a very long speech against School Boards, +for he said that "his dowter wor a pupil taicher, an' shoo sed 'at +Schooil Booards wor nobbut necessary i' them places whear they required +'em, an' he should propooas 'at this meetin wor ov opinion 'at this +question should stand ovver until his dowter wor old enuff to have a +schooil ov her own, an' if shoo couldn't eddicate fowk up to th' mark, +it wod be time enuff to have a Schooil Booard then."</p> + +<p>"Gooid lad, Michael!" said one.</p> + +<p>"Michael wi' a K!" said another.</p> + +<p>"Goa home to thi dowter, an' tell her to give thi brains a +soap lather!" +shouted a voice that was verry like unto Simon's.</p> + +<p>There was a good deal of uproar for a time, but the meeting at +length +decided by a vote of ten to one in favour of a school board, so the +opposition did no good after all, and Michael's daughter will have to +take her chance.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Tha_Caps_me_Nah" id="Tha_Caps_me_Nah"></a>Tha +Caps me Nah!</h2> + +<p>"Has ta heeard th' news?"</p> + +<p>"Niver a word! What's up?"</p> + +<p>"Old Duke's getten wed."</p> + +<p>"Nay, tha caps me nah! An' who's th' gurt maddlin getten wed +to? Awst ha +thowt he'd gettin to old to do that."</p> + +<p>"He's wed Mary o' Nathan's o'th' Sludge Hoil."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha does cap me nah! Why, he's old enuff to be her +gronfayther +ommost. A'a dear, A'a dear! Whativer wor shoo thinkin on? But I reckon +shoo mud have a felly o' some sooart; but awd ha waited a bit longer if +awd been her befoor awd ha' taen up wi' old Duke; besides he's a peg +leg."</p> + +<p>"Well shoo may'nt like him ony war for that, an' tha sees +it'll save her +a bit o' trouble, for shoo'll nobbut have one booit to black. But +shoo's +a trimmer, an' if he doesn't live to rue his bargain, awst be chaited. +Shoo play'd him one o'th' nicest tricks, th' day after they gate wed +'at +awve heeard tell on for a long time."</p> + +<p>"Ha wor that?"</p> + +<p>"Well, tha sees he gate rayther fresh o'th' weddin day, an' he +wor varry +dry when he wakken'd next mornin, soa he sed he'd get up an' goa as far +as 'Th' Quiet Corner,' for a leck on; but shoo tell'd him he'd ha to do +nowt o'th' sooart, for it wor ill enough to have a druffen chap at neet +withaat havin one 'at started as sooin as he gate up. But he sed he +should goa, an' shoo said he should'nt, an' they started o' threapin, +but what does shoo do when he worn't lukkin, but shoves his peg leg up +th' flue, an' he sowt it all ovver but couldn't find it?"</p> + +<p>"That wor a cunnin trick onyway, but what sed Duke?"</p> + +<p>"He had to stop at hooam ov cooarse, for shoo wod'nt tell him +whear it +wor until he promised net to goa near th' alehouse that day, an it had +getten towards neet when he promised and as shoo'd kept a gooid fire +all +th' time it had getten a fairish warmin, and' old Duke noa sooiner gate +it on an' wor walkin abaat a bit, nor it mashed like a pot, an' he fell +his whoallength on to th' floor with his heead i'th' coilskep."</p> + +<p>"Nay, tha does cap me nah! Ther'd be a bonny rumpus awl bet. +Did ta +hear?"</p> + +<p>"Aw heeard nowt noa farther, nobbut some ov his chums gate to +know, an +soa they made a subscription, an' bowt him another, an' they had it +painted red, white and blue, an' sent it lapt up i' silk paper. Old +Duke +wor ommost malancholy when he saw it, but Mary nobbut laft, an started +on an' blackleeaded it, an' in a varry little time he wor set i'th' +'Quiet Corner,' wi as handsome a peg leg as tha'd wish to see. They +chaff him a gooid bit abaat weddin Mary, but he taks it all i' gooid +part, an' they've sent all sooarts o' presents to him. One day last +week +they sent him a creddle, an' Mary wor soa mad wol shoo gate th' blocker +an' wor baan to chop it into chips, and wol shoo wor stormin on, a +little lad coom to th' door an' sed, 'please aw've browt a pair o' +specteckels for old Duke to rock th' creddle in.' An' shoo catched him +a +drive at side o'th' heead, wol his een fair blazed, an th' specteckels +flew into th' middle o'th' rooad."</p> + +<p>"Well, but it wor hardly reight on her to claat th' lad, coss +he knew +nowt abaat it."</p> + +<p>"Why tha sees shoo didn't just think abaat it, but shoo made +it all +reight at after an gave him a butter cake, an' old Duke sam'd up th' +specs, an' after saigin th' heead off, he turned th' creddle into a +manger for his donkey."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha caps me! But has ta heeard abaat that barrel o' ale +runnin +away throo old Nipsomes tother wick?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, ha wor that? Aw hardly thowt he'd ony ale 'at had +strength to run +away."</p> + +<p>"O but he has, for th' last gill awe gate fit three on us, an' +we left +some then. But it wor sellable stuff, awve had war:—net mich. +But awl +tell thi abaat this barrel. Th' brewery cart wor liverin some, an' tha +knows their ale-cellar door is just at th' top o'th' old hill, an th' +cartdriver let a barrel slip, an' away it roll'd daan th' hill slap +agean th' gas lamp, an' it braik th' pooast i' two, an off it went till +it coom to th' wall at th' bottom, when th' barrel end brast aat an' +all +th' ale wor wasted. Soa tha sees ther must ha been some strength in it +if it could braik a iron lamp pooast; an' it wor nobbut common ale."</p> + +<p>"Well th' loss wodn't be soa varry mich after all, they'll get +ovver it. +But has ta heeard they're gooin to turn Bill Summerscales' tripe shop +into a limited liability company?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, it's niver true, is it?"</p> + +<p>"Its true enuff, for aw've been tell'd all abaat it bi a chap +'ats had +it throo Bill hissen, but its a saycret tha knows, soa tha munnot tell +onybody; but what does ta think on it?"</p> + +<p>"Well aw hardly know what to think, but it seems to me 'at +ther'll be +noa limit to th' limited's in a bit. But what's th' shares to be, has +ta +heeard?"</p> + +<p>"Ho e'ea! Ther's to be two hundred shares at a shillin a +piece; nineteen +twentieths he's baan to keep for hissen, an' his relations are to have +th' furst chonce o'th' other, so as it'll be as mich a family affair as +possible. Does ta see, that's done soa as if ivery thing doesn't work +as +it should, or ther should be ony fallin off i'th' quality o'th' tripe, +they'll keep it quiet for ther own sakes."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw cannot see what iver he's turnin it into a company +consarn +for?"</p> + +<p>"Does ta see, he's rayther fast for that stuff fowk buys pigs +wi, an' +he's niver been able to pay for yon shuts painting yet, an' tha sees if +theas shares are all taen up, it'll put him into a bit o' ready brass; +an' th' dividend is to be declared once a year, an' th' shareholders +can +have ther choice whether they tak it aat i' tripe or trotters; an if +th' +first years' profit doesn't run to as mich as'll be a meal a piece, +it'll be carried to a presarve fund, though what presarved tripe 'll be +like aw cant tell."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha caps me nah! Does ta think o' takkin up a share or +two?"</p> + +<p>"Aw hardly know yet. If aw tummel ovver as mich on mi way +hooam as'll +pay th' deposit, aw happen shall, but net else."</p> + +<p>"Well, they'll net be mich i' my line. Who does ta think aw +met to-day? +Try to guess."</p> + +<p>"Net aw marry! Awm noa hand at guessin."</p> + +<p>"It wor Jim Wilkins, don'd up like a gentleman. It licks me +whear he +gets his brass; if ther isn't a smash up thear some day awst be capt. +But he ows me nowt."</p> + +<p>"Aw suppose his wife's a varry highty tighty sooart ov a body. +Shoo's +been browt up at th' boardin schooil."</p> + +<p>"Why then, shoo'll be a poor dowdy in a haase. It's a queer +thing, but +eddication seems to mar as mony as it maks. Aw dooant know what +Foster's +bill may do."</p> + +<p>"Is he baan to get wed?"</p> + +<p>"Who?"</p> + +<p>"Bill Foster."</p> + +<p>"Aw ne'er sed owt abaat Bill Foster, aw mean Foster, M. P. for +Bradforth. He's browt in a bill to eddicate fowks childer."</p> + +<p>"Ho has he, aw niver heeard on it."</p> + +<p>"Why tha'rt awfully behund hand."</p> + +<p>"Aw may be i' mi politics, but net i' me payments, an' that's +what monny +a thaasand connot say. Aw wonder sometimes ha it wod ha been if +iverybody 'at owed owt had been foorced to put it o'th' census paper. +But what does ta think abaat old Strap puttin daan all his five childer +musicianers?"</p> + +<p>"Nay aw dooant know, but he wor allus a foxy sooart ov a chap +an' he'd +have some reason for it. But ha does ta mak it aat 'at they are all +musicians?"</p> + +<p>"Why, ther's two bellringers, two drummers, an' one drum +hugger, an they +all play off nooats, an' a varry long way off 'em sometimes. Did ta +hear +tell abaat them two lads o' his havin that do i'th' church steeple?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, indeed aw! Let's have it."</p> + +<p>"Well tha knows it happened to be practice neet an' as Ike wor +gooin to +th' church he bowt a sheep's pluck an' tuk it wi him, intendin to tak +it +hooam an have it cooked for ther supper. He happened to be th' furst +'at +gate into th' bell chamer, soa he hung th' sheep pluck up agean th' +wall, an' then went daan agean, leavin a little lamp burnin i'th' +steeple. He'd hardly getten off th' step when his brother coom, an' +findin th' door oppen he went up; but befoor he gate thear, a gust o' +wind blew aat th' leet an' all wor as dark as pitch. He thowt it wor +varry strange for he knew Ike had come before him, soa he bawled aat +'Ike!' but nobody spaik. 'Aw know tha'rt up here,' he sed, 'soa let's +ha +nooan o' thi tricks. Spaik, wi' ta?" but nowt spaik. Sid felt rayther +freetened, but he began to grope all raand th' walls, bein sure his +brother wor thear i'th' dark. All at once his hand coom agean a piece +o' +liver, an' it felt soa cold, an' soa mich like a face, 'at he started +back, an' as sooin as he could find th' step, he ran daan as fast as he +could, an' when he gate to th' bottom he luk'd at his hand an' it wor +all blooidy. 'Awr Ike's cut his throit,' he sed, 'Whativer mun aw do?' +An he wor just gooin to yell aat 'Police!' when who should come up but +his brother. Th' seet on him tuk a gurt looard off Sid's mind, but yet +he wor varry freetened. 'What's th' matter, Sid,' sed his brother, 'tha +luks ill; Isn't th' pluck all reight?' 'Th' pluck's gooan,' sed Sid, +shakkin his heead an' puttin his hand on his heart. +'Gooan!—Aw'll niver +goa into that bell-chamer ageean as long as aw live! Aw've allus sed, +if +a chap 'll rob another ov his livin, he'll rob him ov his life if he's +a +chonce.'"</p> + +<p>"'Well aw wor just thinkin a gooin for th' police,' sed Sid, +'but we +dooant know who it is.' Its one o'th' ringers as sure as we're here.' +'Hi, its one o'th' ringers noa daat, but aw hooap he hasn't a wife an' +a +lot o' childer.' 'Well,' sed Ike, 'if he has, an taks it hooam for 'em +to ait, aw hooap it'll chooak th' lot on 'em.' Just as he sed this, all +th' rest o'th' ringers coom up, an' were capt to find Ike an' Sid soa +excited, soa pairt cluthered raand one an' pairt raand tother, an' Sid +tell'd one lot 'at a chap had cut his throit i'th' bell chamer, an' Ike +tell'd tother 'at somdy'd stown his sheep's pluck. 'Well we mun goa an +see,' sed some on 'em, an they gate some leets an away they went up. +Ike +wor th' first an' Sid th' last. When they gate into th' chamer, Ike saw +th' pluck hung up just whear he'd left it, an' he turned raand an' saw +Sid peepin off th' corner o'th' door. 'This is one o' thy tricks, Sid,' +sed Ike, but th' words wor hardly aat ov his maath befoor Sid wor on +his +knees declaring, 'at he'd niver harmed onybody i' all his life. 'Tha's +noa need to goa onto thi knees abaat it onyway,' sed Ike, 'haiver, hear +it is, soa all's reight, tha con hug it up hooam for me; an' he gave it +him. Sid wor soa taen, wol he put up his hands to mak sure 'at he +worn't +asleep; an' th' chaps 'at he'd been tellin his tale to, began to smell +a +rat, an' at last it wor all explained, an' niver mind if ther worn't +some laffin an' chaffin. Poor Sid gets plagued abaat it yet, for ommost +ivery body's getten to know, an' if onnybody, livin abaat that church, +wants a sheep's heead an' a pluck, they order th' butcher to send 'em a +New-Taan Boggard."</p> + +<p>"Well tha caps me nah!"</p> + +<p>"Gooid neet.—Awr Mally 'll think aw'm niver comin."</p> + +<p>"Gooid neet.—But is it true?"</p> + +<p>"True!—It's just as true as all sich like."</p> + +<p>"A'a, well,—tha caps me nah!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Nay_Fer_Sewer" id="Nay_Fer_Sewer"></a>Nay +Fer Sewer!</h2> + +<p>Nay fer sewer!" sed Betty Longtongue, as Sally Jibjab had +finished +tellin her 'at one o' th' neighbor's husband's had getten turned off. +"Well, awm capt he didn't get seck'd long sin, for they tell me he wor +niver liked amang th' work fowk, an' awm sure aw've seen him go in to +his wark monny a time a full clock haar after awr lot's had to be +thear. +But aw thawt he'd find his level at last, an' awm net oft mistakken, +far +aw can see a hoil in a stee as weel as th' maaast."</p> + +<p>"Why but it has'nt been owt abaat his wark 'at he's been +seck'd for, but +him an' two or three moor have been playin a trick o' Jane Sucksmith's +husband, an' its getten to th' maister's ears, an' soa they seck'd him +thear an' then."</p> + +<p>"Nay fer sewer! whatever will ta say! Why what has he been +dooin? Same +mak o' pousement aw'll be bun for't."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw can nobbut tell th' tale as it wor tell'd to me tha +knows; but +her 'at tell'd me, had it tell'd bi somdy 'at had heeard it throo one +'at owt to know, soa its true enuff. It seems old Sucksmith had been +drinkin tother day, an' he must ha getten moor nor he could carry, an' +tha knows as weel as me 'at he can sup moor nor what ud mak some fowk +druffen, an' walk as steady as if he'd swallow'd a church, steeple an' +all; an' he ligg'd him daan o' some sheets o' wool 'at wor bi th' rooad +side, an' as Musty wor goain past he saw him, an' soa he thowt he'd +have +a marlock, an' he went an' fun up some ov his chums an' they gate sooit +an' daub'd his face wol he luk'd war nor old Scrat hissen."</p> + +<p>"Nay fer sewer! Why they mud easily do that aw believe, for +he's nooan a +gooid favvor'd chap at th' best hand."</p> + +<p>"Noa he isn't, but they worn't content wi' that but Musty went +an' gate +some sooart o' paader 'at they use to dye red worset an' sich like +stuff +wi', an he tuk off his cap an' sprinkled it all amang his toppin, an +then they left him, an' in a bit he wakken'd up, for all th' childer +ith +district wor gethered raand him, starin at him. Just then Musty, 'at +had +been waiting abaat, reckoned to come past in a great hurry, an' as +sooin +as he saw Sucksmith, he set up a gurt shaat o' laffin, an says, +"Whativer has ta been doain, aw niver saw sich a freet i' mi life." +Sucksmith wor reight gaumless for a while, but he says, "What is ther +to +laff at? Did ta niver see me befoor thinks ta?" "Well aw niver saw thi +luk like that affoar onnyway. Whoiver is it 'at's been playin thee this +trick?"</p> + +<p>"What trick does ta meean?" he sed.</p> + +<p>"Why doesn't ta know at thi face is all daubed wi sooit?"</p> + +<p>Sucksmith put up his hand to feel, an' when he saw his fingers +all +grimed, he sed, "Aw wish aw knew who'd done this, Musty; awd be +straight +wi' him, an sooin too. To think 'at a chap connot fall asleep in a +Kristine country withaat havin his face painted war nor a paysayger, +but +awst find it aght someday."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw think its th' best plan to goa wi' me to th' "Blue +Dunnock," +sed Musty, an' gie thisen a gooid wesh."</p> + +<p>Soa they went an' all Musty's mates wor set waitin in another +raam.</p> + +<p>Th' landlady wor varry gooid i' findin him some sooap an' +watter, o'th' +sinkstooan, an' he started to give hissen a reight gooid swill, an as +sooin as th' watter gate to this stuff 'at they'd put ov his heead, it +began to roll daan th' color o' blooid, an' as sooin as he oppen'd his +e'en he saw it, an' he thowt at first it must be his nooas 'at wor +bleedin, an' as th' landlady worn't abaat, he blew his nooase oth towel +to see, but it worn't, then he put up his hand to his heead an' thear +it +wor sure enuff. He ommost fell sick when he saw it, an' he called for +Musty as laad as he could, to see what wor to do. "Whativer's th' +matter +wi me thinks ta, Musty? Just Iuk, awm bleedin like a pig."</p> + +<p>"A'a, dear, A'a dear! Why tha must ha brokken a blooid vessel."</p> + +<p>"Aw think awve brokken two or three," sed Sucksmith "but what +mun aw +do?"</p> + +<p>"Sewse thi heead wi cold watter; ther's nowt stops bleedin +like cold +watter. Why, if tha gooas on tha'll bleed to th' deeath."</p> + +<p>"Aw begin to feel faint already," sed Sucksmith, as he started +o' +throwin moor watter on his heead; but th' moor he put on an' th' moor +blooid seemed to come, an' he sed, "Oh, dear! aw believe awm done for +this time, Musty; doesn't ta think tha'd better send for a doctor?"</p> + +<p>When he lifted up his heead, Musty wor foorced to turn away +for a minit +to get a straight face, for Sucksmith's wor dyed th' color ov a raw +beef +steak, an' his heead luk'd like one o' them red door mats 'at tha's +seen. But Musty advised him to goa on wi' th' watter, an' he did, an' +in +a while it begun to have less colour in it, an' Sucksmith's mind began +to feel a bit easier.</p> + +<p>"Aw think its ommost gien ovver nah," he sed, but luk at mi +hands! why +they're like a piece o' scarlet cloath."</p> + +<p>"Eea, an thi face is th' same; tha luks to me as if tha'd +getten th' +scarlet-fayvor, an' awm sure ther's summat nooan reight wi' thi; but +wipe thisen an' come into tother hoil, ther's some o' thi mates thear, +an' we'll see what they say."</p> + +<p>Sucksmith did as he wor tell'd, an' went into tother raam with +Musty, +but ther wor sich a crack o' laffin as sooin as he showed his heead, +wol +they mud ha fell'd him wi' a bean. "Nah lads," sed Musty, "yo shouldn't +laff at a chap's misfortunes, an' awm sure ther's Summat matter wi awr +friend Sucksmith, aw tell him it must be th' scarlet fayvor.'</p> + +<p>"Well aw niver saw sich a heead i' mi life," sed another, "but +its nooan +th' scarlet fayvor; my belief is its th' cattle plague, an if it is, +an' th' police gets to know they'll have him shot, bi th' heart will +they, for they've orders to destroy ivery livin thing 'at shows ony +signs o' havin it. But whear has ta been to get it thinks ta?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, awve been nowhere 'at aw know on," sed Sucksmith, "aw +felt all +reight a bit sin, an' aw ligg'd daan o' some sheets o' wool an' fell +asleep, an' aw niver knew aw ail'd owt wol aw coom in here to wesh me."</p> + +<p>"Why then it will be th' cattle plague, its nowt else, ther's +a deal o' +sheep had it lately; an' varry likely that's some o' ther wool 'at +tha's +been sleepin on. But ha does ta feel?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, aw feel varry mich alike all ovver,—awm feeared +its up we me +ommost, an' this has come for a warnin, for aw havn't behaved misen +reight latly. But if awm spared to get ovver this awl alter."</p> + +<p>"Why tha luks as if tha'd awther getten a warnin or a warmin, +bith color +o' thi face," sed one, "but aw think tha'd do wi' a glass o' summat to +cooil thi daan a bit,—a red Indian's a fooil to thi."</p> + +<p>"It must be summat serious," sed another, "are ta th' same +color all +ovver?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know awm sure, an'. aw havn't strength to luk," he +sed.</p> + +<p>But one o'th' chaps roll'd up his briches slop to see; "Nay, +thi leg is +all reight." "Well," sed Musty, "tha knows it may be soa, for we've +heeard tell o' th' fooit and maath desease, an' this may be th' heead +an' hand complaint. But what do yo think it'll be th' best for him to +do?"</p> + +<p>"I shuild advise him to goa hooam at once, but if ony body +should see +him they'll varry likely tak him for a literary chap becoss he's so +deeply red." "Well, whether they tak him for a little-hairy chap or +net, he'll pass for a red hairy chap an' noa mistak," sed Hiram.</p> + +<p>But Sucksmith fancied he felt soa waik wol he didn't think +he'd be able +to walk hooam, soa after all biddin him "gooid bye," for fear they mud +niver see him agean an one chap axin him to be sure an' tell his first +wife if he met her up aboon, 'at he'd getten wed to her sister, they +sent him hooam in a cab.</p> + +<p>"Nay fer sewer! Whativer wi ta say? An' whativer did their +Margit say +when shoo saw him? He must ha luk'd a pictur."</p> + +<p>"Nay, aw dooant know what shoo sed, but ther wor a rare racket +ith' hoil +awl a-warrant thi. But th' gurt softheead stuck in it, 'at he wor +poorly, an' as shoo saw he wornt sober shoo humoured him wi lettin him +goa to bed. Next mornin he'd come to his senses a bit, soa shoo let him +have sich a bit o' tongue as he hadn't had latly, for tha knows shoo's +a +glaid when shoo starts, for if awd to say quarter as mich to my felly +as +shoo says to him sometimes, he'd niver darken th' door agean. He began +to see what a fooil they'd been makkin on him, an' he gate up intendin +to goa to his wark, but when he saw hissen ith' seamin glass, he +couldn't fashion, an' soa he began o' weshin hissen first i' cold +watter +an' then i' hot; but it wor what they call a fast color, an' he +couldn't +get it to stir do what he wod.</p> + +<p>"What mun aw do, Margit?" he sed, when he'd swill'd his heead +wi' hot +watter wol it wor hauf boiled; "th' moor aw wesh it an' th' breeter it +seems to get. If iver aw get all reight agean ther's somdy'll want a +new +suit o' clooas, but it'll be a wooden en."</p> + +<p>"Hold thi noise, lumpheead," shoo sed, "an' get thi braikfast +an awl see +if aw connot do summat for thi. Aw expect it'll have to be scaar'd off."</p> + +<p>Soa after th' braikfast shoo made him ligg daan o' th' +hearthstooan, an' +shoo gate some wire scale an' started o' scrubbin one side ov his head, +as if shoo'd been polishin th' fender; but he couldn't stand that, an' +he laup'd up, an' donced up an' daan th' hoil, sayin all sooarts o' +awkward things.</p> + +<p>"What the dickens are ta thinkin on," he sed, "does ta fancy +awm made o' +cast-iron?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooan't know what tha'rt made on, but aw know tha artn't +made o'th' +reight sooart o' stuff for a fayther ov a family to be made on; but if +tha connot get it off thisen, an' tha weant let me, tha'll be forced to +stop as tha art, that's all." An' away shoo flew aat o' th' haase and +left him.</p> + +<p>"Nay fer sewer! An' whativer did he do?"</p> + +<p>Well, he set daan and studied a bit, then he sent for a +doctor, net +becoss he felt poorly, but becoss he wanted to know what to do to get +it +off. Soa th' doctor coom, an' they say he couldn't spaik for iver soa +long, for laffin at him; an' he tell'd him he'd be monny a week befoor +he gate reight, an' it wod have to wear off by degrees; but his hair, +he +sed, wod niver be reight, soa he mud as weel have it shaved off sooin +as +lat. Soa he sent for Timmy, th' barber, an' had it done, an' when his +wife coom back, thear he wor set, lukkin for all th' world like a lot +o' +old clooas wi' a ball o' red seealin wax stuck at th' top; an' thear he +is i'th' haase nah, whear he'll ha to stop wol his hair grows agean.</p> + +<p>"Nay fer sewer! An does he niver goa aat?"</p> + +<p>"Niver,—he did goa to th' door one day when Hiram's +little lass went to +borrow th' looaf tins, but shoo wor soa freetened, wol shoo ran hooam, +an' her mother says shoo believes shoo's gooin to have soor een; mun, +he's flaysome to luk at, an' th' child has niver been like hersen sin, +an' shoo connot sleep ov a neet for dreamin abaat it."</p> + +<p>"Nay fer sewer! An what says Musty?"</p> + +<p>"Awve niver heeard what he's sed sin he lost his shop, but +Sucksmith +says he's noan gooin to let it rest, for he'll send 'em some law if it +costs him a paand—An' Musty says he doesn't care ha sooin for +he wod be +sure ov a bit o' summat to ait if he wor sent daan th' +rails—but aw +think it'll get made up agean. But awve left yond child ith' creddle bi +hersen, soa aw mun be off." Away shoo went an' Sally watched her aat +o'th seet, an' then sank into a cheer, roll'd up her arms in her +appron, +stared into th' fire, an' sed, "Nay fer sewer! Well ov +all!—Nay fer +sewer!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Th_Battle_o_Tawkin" id="Th_Battle_o_Tawkin"></a>Th' +Battle o' Tawkin.</h2> + +<p>"Tha'rt a liar if iver ther wor one! An' that's a hard thing +to say, but +aw wodn't hang a cat o' thi word! It's as sure yor Alick 'at's brokken +awr winder, as awm standin here, an' tha knows it too!"</p> + +<p>"Aw say it isn't awr Alick, for he's niver been aat 'oth' +haase this +blessed day! Tha's awther brokken it thisen or' else one o' thi own's +done it,—an' they are a lot 'oth' warst little imps 'at iver +lived; an' +if aw mud ha' mi mind on 'em, awd thresh' em to within an inch o' ther +lives! But yo can expect nowt noa better when yo know what a bringin up +they've had."</p> + +<p>"They've had a different bringin up to what ony o' thine's +likely to +have, but whativer comes o' ther bringin up, yo'll have to pay for that +winder, for it isn't th' first he's brokken, an' if yo dooant, next +time +I catch him, awl have it aat ov his booans.'</p> + +<p>"Let me catch thee ligging a finger o' one o' mine, an' awl +mak this +fold too little for thee, an' sharply too; ha can ta fashion! A gurt +strappin woman like thee, to mell ov a child? Tha owt to be 'shamed o' +thi face! But tha has noa shame an' niver had."</p> + +<p>"Well if tha's ony its nobbut latly come to thi! Awve too much +shame to +come hooam druffen of a neet after th' neighbors has getten to bed."</p> + +<p>"Whoas come hooam druffen? Does ta mean to say 'at aw wor iver +druffen? +Aw'll mak thee prove thi words if ther's a law 'ith land 'at can do it! +Aw'll let thee see 'at my keracter is as gooid as onybody's, an' a deal +better nor sich as thine."</p> + +<p>"Aw niver sed who it wor 'at coom hooam druffen, but aw dar +say tha can +guess."</p> + +<p>"If its onnybody its thisen! gurt brussen thing 'at tha art! +Who is it +'at sends ther poor husband to his wark wi' a sup o' teah an' dry cake, +an' then cooks a beefsteak to ther own breakfast? Can ta tell me that?"</p> + +<p>"If aw connot, tha can, an' that isn't all;—can ta +tell me who it is +'at invites th' neighbors to rum and teah 'ith' after nooin, when they +know th' husband's gooin to work ovver? Can ta tell me that?"</p> + +<p>"Well, if ther's been onny rum an' teah stirrin, tha's allus +takken +gooid care to have thi share on it, but they've allus been wimmen 'ats' +come to awr haase when th' maister's been aat, that's one blessin."</p> + +<p>"Does ta meean to say 'at ther's onny fellies been to awr +haase when th' +husband's been off? Tha'd better mind what tha says or else that cap o' +thine ul suffer!"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant say onny fellies has been;—tha should +know th' best, but awm +nawther blind nor gaumless. But aw'll tell th' what tha +art;—Tha'rt a +nasty, ill contrived gooid-for-nowt, an' all th' neighbors say soa, an' +they wish to gooidness tha'd flit, an' all at belangs to thi, for +ther's +niver onny peace whear tha ar't."</p> + +<p>"Noa, an' ther niver will be onny peace wol tha pays for yond +winder! +Does ta think fowk's nowt else to do wi' ther brass, but to put in +winders for yor Alick to mash?"</p> + +<p>"Aw tell thi he hasn't mash'd it, for he's niver cross'd th' +doorstun +sin he gate up. Th' fact is he's niver getten up yet, for he isn't at +hooam, for he's aboon twenty miles off, at his gronmothers."</p> + +<p>"Dooant tell me that! Ther's awr Vaynus comin, he knows who +mash'd it. +Vaynus! Who wor it 'at mash'd yond winder? Nah tell a lie at thi +peril,—did ta see it brokken?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw saw Topsy jump up at th' birdcage, an' it missed it +click an' +tumbled throo th' winder."</p> + +<p>"A'a I drabbit that cat! Aw'll as sure screw its neck raand as +awm +livin!"</p> + +<p>"Nah tha sees, aw tell'd thi it worn't awr Aleck!"</p> + +<p>"Noa, it couldn't ha been! Are ta sure tha saw yond cat do it, +Vaynus?"</p> + +<p>"Eea awm sure aw saw it."</p> + +<p>"Why then it wornt yor Alick! An aw hardly thowt it wor, for +he's abaat +as quiet a lad an' as daycent a one as ther is abaat here. Aw oft tell +awrs to tak a lesson throo him."</p> + +<p>"Ther's noa better lad iver breathed nor awr +Alick;—aw dooant say'at +he's better nor onnybody's else, but he's as gooid. An' awm sure tha's +a +lot ov as fine childer as onnybody need set e'en on, an' if they are a +bit wild, what can yo expect when ther's soa monny on 'em. But aw mun +get these clooas dried wol ther's a bit o' druft. Wi' ta leean me that +clooas prop o' thine agean?"</p> + +<p>"Vaynus! What are ta dooin? Goa fetch that prop this minit, +an' see 'at +tha allus brings it when tha sees her weshin, withaat lettin her allus +have to ax for it."</p> + +<p>"Well, awm soa glad it worn't awr Alick 'at mashed that +winder,"</p> + +<p>"Soa am aw, awd rayther it had been one o' mi own bi th' hauf. +What time +does ta think tha'll ha done weshin?"</p> + +<p>"Abaat four o'clock if awm lucky."</p> + +<p>"Well, wi ta step across an' have a cup o' teah wi us?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw dooant mind if aw do."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Owd_Tommy" id="Owd_Tommy"></a>"Owd +Tommy."</h2> + +<p>(A Yorkshire Sketch.)</p> + +<p>Of all the seasons of the year,—that portion when +winter treads upon +the skirts of the retiring autumn, always seems to me to be most deeply +fraught with sorrowful associations. A few short weeks before, one has +beheld the year in stately pride, loaded with blessings, and adorned in +nature's most luxurious garb, waters in silvery streams have lightly +leaped and bounded in the shadow of the waving ferns,—and +little +flowers have nodded on the brink and peered into the crystal depths, as +though in love with their reflected loveliness;—the little +hills have +decked their verdant breasts with floral gems, and the frowning crags +have seemed to smile, and from their time-worn crevices have thrust +some +wandering weed, whose emerald tints have lent a soothing softness to +the +hard outline of their rugged fronts. The feathered songsters on +untiring +wing, have flitted in the sunny sky, pouring forth melodious sounds in +thankfulness and joy, as though their little hearts were filled too +full +of happiness and overflowed in drops of harmony.</p> + +<p>Light fleecy cloud's like floating heaps of down have sailed +along the +azure sky, casting their changing shadows on the earth, whilst sighing +winds have whispered soothing songs amongst the rustling leaves, and +ripened fruits have hung in tempting show their sun-burnt fronts, +courting the thirsty lip, to tell us in their silent eloquence that the +year has gained its prime.</p> + +<p>Even when the ice-king reigns, and howlling storms drive with +remorseless +fury o'er the plains, or wreck their vengeance on the sturdy +woods,—roaring amongst the pliant branches, and entwining +around the +knarled trunks, uprooting some as though in sport to show its giant +strength. And the cascade which formerly leaped forth from sylvan nooks +where the wild flowers half hid its source, and bathed themselves in +the +ascending mist,—now roaring down in sullied swollen force, +bearing +along the wrecks of summer beauties,—tumbling and hissing +through its +frost bordered bed,—growling in foaming rage around the rocks +which +here and there protrude their sullen face to check its mad +career;—even +this has much of majesty and beauty, and claims our admiration. But +when +some glories of the autumn yet remain, and e'er stern winter has +usurped +the sway,—one wide-wide field of death and desolation is all +that's +left for man to ponder over;—fading flowers, trembling and +shrinking in +the raw cold blast;—half naked trees, that day by day present +a more +weird aspect—fields still green, but stripped of every +gem;—whilst +still some russet warbler may be heard chirping in sorrow and distress, +and heavy looking clouds anxious to screen the cheering ray, which now +and then bursts forth with sickly smile, that seems like ill-timed +mirth +amongst the dead.</p> + +<p>On such a time as this, and in the early Sabbath morning, +might be seen +a stalwart farmer strolling o'er the hills which command a view of the +little but interesting village of Luddenden.</p> + +<p>I do not think that the dreary look of decaying beauties had +much effect +upon him,—the pale blue smoke that issued from his mouth, in +measured +time, seemed to afford him every consolation. He evidently saw some one +approaching in whom he was interested. Having satisfied himself that he +was not mistaken, he began talking aloud:—</p> + +<p>"Oi! that's him sure enough; nah whativer can owd Tommy want +laumering +over thease hills at this time o'th' morning? He's a queer chap, takkin +him all i' all; an' still if ought should happen him aw doant know +where +they'd find his marrow; he's been th' same owd Tommy iver sin aw wor a +lad, an' aw'm noa chicken nah—he said—stroking a +few grey hairs, +which, like a tuft of frosted grass, adorned his ruddy cheeks. Aw sud +think he's saved a bit o' brass bi this time, for he wor allus a +nipper; +but he wor allus honest, an' it isn't ivery man yo meet i'th world +'at's +honest; but aw doant think Tommy ud wrang ony body aght o'th' vally o' +that;"—saying which, he snapped his finger and thumb together +to denote +its worthlessness.</p> + +<p>A few minutes more and Tommy might be plainly seen slowly +ascending the +somewhat rugged road toward the spot where stood the farmer leaning +against the wall awaiting him. I could not better occupy the time that +intervenes than endeavour to picture the approaching traveller. His age +I would not dare to guess, he might be 60, or he might be 90. He was a +short thick-set man, and rather bent, but evidently more from habit +than +from weight of years. He wore a long blue coat which plainly spoke of +years gone by, and bore in many places unmistakable evidence that Tommy +was no friend to tailors; beneath this an old crimson plush waistcoat, +that had long since done its duty, some drab knee-breeches, and a pair +of dark grey stockings which hid their lower extremities in a pair of +shoes about large enough to make two leather cradles; on his head a hat +that scorned to shine, and in his hand he carried an oaken staff; his +small grey eyes glistened with a spark of latent wit, whilst on his +face +was stamped in unequivocal characters some quaint originality.</p> + +<p>"Gooid morning, Tommy," said the farmer.</p> + +<p>"Gooid morning Dick," replied Tommy, "it's a nice day ower th' +head but +fearful heavy under th' fooit."</p> + +<p>"You're reight," said Dick, "but where are yo trapesing to +this +morning?"</p> + +<p>"Waw, aw'm gooin as far as Dick's o' Tom's at th' Durham, to +get my tooa +nails cut," said Tommy.</p> + +<p>"Well, yo'll happen bait a bit and ha a wiff o' bacca wi' me, +for its a +long time sin aw saw yo afoor," said Dick.</p> + +<p>"Waw, aw dooant mind if aw have a rick or two, but aw munnot +stop long, +for it luks rayther owercussen up i'th' element; but ha's that lad o' +thine getting on sin he wed quiet Hannah lass? Aw've wondered sometimes +if he wod'nt rue his bargain,—is shoo as fat as sho wor?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, shoo keeps i' varry gooid order, shoo puts her mait into +a better +skin nor th' mooast; they didn't hit it soa well at th' furst, for shoo +wor varry waspish, an' tha knows awr Joa's as queer as Dick's hatband, +when he's put aght a bit. One morning, abaght a wick after they wor +wed, +Joa woran't varry weel, an' had to ligg i' bed a bit,—shoo +gate up to +muck th' beeas,—(for shoo can do a job like that, tha knows, +when +shoo's a mind.)"</p> + +<p>"Eea! eea!" said Tommy, "noabody better,—shoo's a +pair o' gooid +end,—shoo's nooan afeared o' dipping her finger i' water, nut +shoo."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw tell thi, shoo gate up, an' in a while shoo call'd +aght 'at +his porridge wor ready when he liked to come daan, an' then shoo went +aght. Soa in a bit, he gate up, an' th' pan wor stood o' th' rib +flopping away rarely. Well, he gate a plate, an' thowt he'd tern' em +aght to cooil, when asteead o' porrige, aght come th' dish claat slap +on +to his fooit;—talk abaght single step doncing!—tha +should just ha seen +him; he ommost lauped clean ower th' breead flaik;—an' thear +shoo stood +grinning at him throo th' winder, an' he wor soa mad—he +wuthered th' +pan fair at her head;—he miss'd his aim an' knock'd th' +canary cage to +smithereens, th' cat gate th' burd, an' th' pan fell into th' churn. +Nah, what wod ta think ov a thing like that?"</p> + +<p>"Waw, its just loike one ov her tricks;-tha knows shoo wor +allus a +trimmer o' one, Dick."</p> + +<p>"Shoo wor, Tommy, an shoo allus will be to her deeing day. It +put awr +Joa into a awful passhian, but shoo didn't care a pin, shoo said shoo'd +lived too long near a wood' to be fear'd ov a hullet,—but +they're as +reight as Dick and Liddy nah. Aw'll tell thi ha that happens. Tha +knows, +awr Joa allus thowt a deeal ov his mother, an he wanted th' wife to do +i'th' same way; an one morning shoo' wor neighding th' dooaf, when Joa +says, 'Mally', that isn't th' way to neighd, my mother allus 'used to +do +soa;'—an' he wor baan to show' haa; Shoo made noa mooar to +do, but +lauped into th' middle o'th' bowl wi' her clogs on, an' started o' +traiding it wi' her feet, an' shoo says, 'does thi mother do soa?' +After +that, he let her have it mooastly to her own way, an' they seem to get +on varry weel amang it nah—an' if he keeps steady they're +putting it +together nicely. An' what have yo fresh, Tommy?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, nowt 'at means ought aw think, Dick—but aw'd +like to been +pooisened t'other wick, but as luck let, aw wor noa war."</p> + +<p>"Pooisened! Tommy, nay, surelee nut."</p> + +<p>"Yos, but aw had—tha sees aw live at th' Ee'Gurnard, +an' aw'd just been +into th' mistal wi' young maister William, an' he'd been holding th' +canel for me whol aw siled th' milk, an' he wor full ov his marlocks +an' +bluzzed th' canel up mi nooas an' put it aght,—he's a +shocker."</p> + +<p>"Waw, Tommy, yo wodn't be pooisened wi' a canel, aw'll niver +believe?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, but as aw wor telling thi, aw'd been i'th' mistal, an' +aw went +into th' kitchen for a bit o' summat to ait. Aw saw some fat o'th' +ooven +top in a pot, soa aw gate some breead an' ait it up. Aw thowt it wor +fearful gooid an' savored summat aw'd niver had afoor; but just when +aw'd finished it, one o'th' young mistresses come daan an' axed me what +aw'd done wi' what wor i'th' pot? Soa aw tell'd her aw'd etten it. +Etten +it!!' shoo skriked. 'Etten it!! Why,' shoo says, 'yo'll be pooisened, +Tommy, its pumatum!' Well, aw says, 'pumatum or net, aw've etten +it,'—an' away shoo ran an' browt th' maister an' th' +mistress, an' all +t'other fowk i'th' haase, an' rarely they laffed tha minds; but maister +made me a glass o' rum to settle it, an' aw felt noa mooar on it."</p> + +<p>"Well," said Dick, "tha mayn't feel it nah, but aw shouldn't +be capped +if thi inside wor to grow full o' ringlets."</p> + +<p>"Niver heed that, they'll keep mi belly warm," said Tommy, +"but th' +bacca's done, soa aw mun be making mi way shorter. Gooid day, Dick."</p> + +<p>"Gooid day, Tommy. Aw hope tha'll have a fine day for thi +walk."</p> + +<p>"Eea, eea, aw hope aw shall, but if it rains aw sholl'n't +melt."</p> + +<p>"Nooah, but its rayther coolish."</p> + +<p>"It'll be warmer as it gets ooater, Dick. Gooid day."</p> + +<p>And thus the two friends parted; each smiling at the quaint +humor of the +other;—the one to climb seven miles of rough and heavy road +to get his +toe nails cut, and the other to pay an early visit to his son, and rest +his limbs, which by six days of willing toil had earned a Sabbath's +rest. He walked slowly, musing as he went, and every now and again +making audible the current of his thoughts.</p> + +<p>"Its monny a long year sin aw saw owd Tommy before, an' it may +be monny +a long year before aw see his face agean; aw think owd Time must use +him +wi' a gentler hand nor he uses me. Aw remember th' first time aw saw +him, he wor coming past th' churn milk Joan, wi' a lump o' parkin in +his +hand as big as awr ooven top; an' that wor th' day 'at Jenny an' me wor +wed. It seems like a dream to me nah. Poor Jenny!—if there's +a better +place, tha'rt nooan soa far off thear!" And then he paused to wipe the +heavy drops from off his cheeks. "Aw thowt aw'd getten ower this sooart +o' thing, nah he sed, but aw believe aw niver shall. Its just five year +come Easter sin aw laid her low, an awve niver been able to aford a +grave stooan for her yet, but aw can find that bit o' rising graand +withaat a mark, an prize it nooan the less. But its noa gooid freating +abaght things we cannot help. Aw'll have another reek or two an' goa +an' +see awr Joa." So filling his little black clay pipe with the fragrant +weed (which for convenience he carried loose in his waistcoat pocket), +he puffed his cloud of incense in the air and hastened on to gain his +journey's end. A walk of a few minutes brought him to the door of a low +whitewashed farm-house, around which the cans were reared, ready to be +filled with the morning's milk. He ventured in, (first carefully +removing all the mire from his shoes, lest he should soil the nicely +sanded floor,) and drawing up the old arm chair which shone like +polished ebony,—he looked around the strange apartment. "Its +a queer +fancy (he said at last) at Mally should be soa fond o' +pots,—what +ther's mooar here nor what ud start a shop; it saves th' expense of +slapdashing onyway." And he was right, for, from floor, to ceiling, and +along the old oak beams, appeared one medley of crockery—pots +of all +sizes—cups and plates of all shapes and patterns were hung or +reared +against the wall until it was impossible to find another place where +one +might be displayed; and on the mantle shelf, a long array of china +images of fortune-telling gipsies, guarded at each end by what was +supposed to represent a dog—they might resemble dogs, but +surely such a +breed exists not now, for if there was a point about them to recommend, +it was what Mally often said, "They ait nowt." In a short time both Joe +and Mally made their apperance—health bloom on their cheeks, +and with +a hearty welcome prepared the morning's meal. A clean white cloth +spread +on as clean a table, the requisite pots, the fresh churned butter, and +the wheaten bread was all that was displayed to tempt them to the meal; +but it was all that was required, for appetite gave relish to the plain +repast, and many a wealthy man in stately rooms, with every luxury +around, might well have envied them their simple fare, sweetened by +labor, and so well enjoyed—whilst savory meats, of which they +never +knew, in vain invited him whose satiated tastes loathed every dish. But +the old farmer did not seem at ease, and when the meal was +over—after a +short conversation, he bade them both good day, and turned his steps +towards his lonely home. Perhaps it was the son who called up in the +old +man's mind some thoughts of former days—or perhaps the train +of thought +he had indulged in previously might have laid a load of gloom upon him; +but, be it as it may, he seemed inclined to spend the day under his own +roof tree.</p> + +<p>The winter came and spread its spotless snows o'er hills and +dales; the +wild winds wailed; the woodman's axe echoed amidst the woods; the song +birds fled; the dauntless redbreast twittered on the window sills; the +cawing rooks wended their weary way in solemn flight. The spring again, +like a young bashful maid, came smiling upon old Winter's track; the +field's looked gay again; and trees seemed vieing which could first be +drest in verdant green. The Summer followed on, the sun shone o'er the +fields of ripening grass; the mowers scythe was dipped in fragrant +dews, +and Flora bounteously bestowed her favorite flowers. Autumn succeeded, +and once more the' eye was gladdened with the bearded grain, waving in +golden splendour in the breeze;—again the luscious fruits are +tempting +one to pluck; and soon again the year,—weary with its labors, +prepares +to sleep, and desolation reigns.</p> + +<p>'Tis Sunday morning, and the sun looks down through murky +mists;—the +ground is slightly hardened with the nipping frost; here and there some +hardy flower endeavours to look gay:—the tolling bell rings +out its +morning call, and straggling groups wend their way to worship in the +village church. But on the hill, which rises high above, was stood a +man +in deep and earnest thought. One could scarcely have believed that the +pale, aged looking man, who dressed in sombre black was standing and +looking over the quiet scene, was the stalwart farmer, who just one +year +before was holding converse with old Tommy;—but he begins to +speak.</p> + +<p>"Its just twelve months to day," he said, "sin aw wor talking +to him o' +this varry spot, an nah he's gooan, an awm left to attend his funeral: +ther's nowt to feel sorry for 'at aw know on, but when an owd face is +noa mooar, 'at one's been used to see—it tells a tale 'at's +easy +understood;—it leaves a gap i'th' world 'at's never +shut—it bids us to +prepare an reckon up awr life to see if all's as we could like it to +be,—an' use what time's left to square +accounts,—soa's when we're +called to 'liver up, we may be ready. Jenny wor ready, an soa wor +Tommy. +It isn't ivery man yo meet i'th world 'at's honest."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="It_Mud_ha_been_War" id="It_Mud_ha_been_War"></a>It +Mud ha' been War.</h2> + +<p>If iver onybody had th' luck to get off th' wrang side o'th' +bed ivery +mornin, an' to allus be gettin into scrapes all th' day long, it 'wor +Jack throo' th' Jumpels. It seemed as if some evil genius wor allus +abaat makkin spooart on him. If he gate mezzured for a suit o' clooas, +th' tailor wor sure to tak th' length ov his coit sleeves for his +britches slops, or else mak 'em after another mezzur altogether; awther +soa mich too big wol he luk'd like a wanderin bedtick seekin th' +flocks, +or else soa mich too little wol he used to send his arm's an' legs soa +far throo, till yo'd fancy he'd niver be able to get 'em back. But wi' +all his bad luck, an' i' spite o' all th' scrapes he gate into, he wor +a +varry gooid-hearted chap, an' iverybody 'at knew him gave him a gooid +word. He went to see a hont o' his one day, an' he'd donned his best +duds, an' he couldn't help thinkin as he wor gooin whether be should be +able to keep aght ov a mess or net, an' as he knew his hont wor a varry +particlar body, he detarmined to do his varry best. When he gate to th' +door he saw' at shoo'd nobbut just scarr'd th' steps, an' he luk'd at +his feet an' thowt it wod be a pity to put sich mucky booits on to sich +nice wark, soa he went raand to th' back yard; but when he gate thear +th' door wor fesand, soa he thowt th' best plan wod be to climb over +th' +wall, for as it wor th' middle o'th' day, an' all th' fowk i'th' tother +haases could see what wor gooin' on, he knew shoo'd niver forgive him +for callin her aght if shoo didn't happen to be weshed an' tidied; soa +up he climbed, an' as it wor twice as deep o'th' tother side he worn't +disappointed to see a big tub just standin nicely ready to step on to; +soa ovver he jumpt, an' as might be expected, th' top gave way, an' he +varry sooin fan hissen up to th' middle i' pig-mait. But he nawther +stamped nor sware nor made a din like mooast fowk wod ha' +done—for he'd +getten soa use to messes o' one sooart an' another wol he'd begun to +tak +'em as a matter o' cooarse.</p> + +<p>"Well, here's another bit o' my luk," he sed; "this is another +mullock +aw've getten into, soa aw mun get aght on it someway; it's noa use +freeatin' abaat what cannot be helped, an' ther's one consolation, it +mud ha' been war." Just as he wor scramlin' aght, his hont coom to see +what wor to do, but shoo didn't fly into a pashon as yo might fancy. +"Hallo, Jack!" shoo says, "aw thowt it must be thee; tha's dropt in for +it another time, has ta?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw reckon aw have, but if aw havn't spoilt th' swill aw +dooant +care."</p> + +<p>"Oh, aw'll forgie thi that, lad; tha's'made a nice pictur o' +thisen, +reight enuff; aw could just like thi fottagraff takkin nah, but come +thi +ways in."</p> + +<p>"Nay, hont aw'll nooan come in i' this state; aw'll call agean +some +other day, for awst mak nowt but muck."</p> + +<p>"Niver heed th' muck; come thi ways in, for tha lukes like a +hauf-draand +ratten; tha'll catch thi deeath o' cold if tha hasn't summat warm. Come +in an doff them clooas, an' aw'll see if aw connot find some o' thi +uncles 'at'll fit thi wol thine's fit to put on agean. Aw niver did see +sich a mess i' all my life. Th' idea ov a chap fallin' up to' th' +middle +in a swill-tub!"</p> + +<p>"Why, its net varry nice, reight enuff, but it mud ha' been +war, hont."</p> + +<p>"Aw wonder ha," shoo sed.</p> + +<p>"Why, if aw'd gooan ovver th' heead."</p> + +<p>"Well, that wodn't ha' made, things ony better, truly; but th' +next time +'at tha'rt comin' ovver that way just let me know, an' aw'll have that +tub aght o'th' gate. Goa thi ways into th' chamer an' change them +stinkin' things, an' then come an' sit thi daan an' let's tawk to thi a +bit, an' see if aw can get ony sense aght on thi, for aw'm sure nubdy +can put ony in."</p> + +<p>"All serene," sed Jack, an he went an' changed his clooas, an' +when he'd +getten donned afresh he coom daan stairs an' sat daan i'th' arm-cheer +beside th' fire. "Yea-a-aw! yea-a-aw!" went summat, an' up he sprang as +if th' cheer-bottom wor redwoot. "A'a, tha gurt gaumless fooil!" sed +his +hont, "couldn't ta see a cat an' three kittens? Aw do believe tha's +killed 'em ivery one! Poor little things!" Nay, nay, aw niver did see +sich a thing i' all my life! tha's killed 'em all three, an' it's a +wonder tha hasn't killed th' old cat an' all. Dear-a-me, aw did intend +draandin 'em to-morn, an' to think 'at they should be squeezed to +deeath +this way, Aw shalln't get ovver it for monny a day."</p> + +<p>"Well, aw'm varry sooary, hont; but aw niver saw' em, iw'm +sure. Whoiver +expected to find a cat an' three kittens in a arm-cheer? But let's be +thankful, for it mud ha' been war."</p> + +<p>"Nay, net it! it couldn't ha' been war nor it is: tha's killed +em, an' +tha couldn't do ony moor if tha'd to try." "Well, but aw mud ha' killed +th' old cat as weel, yo know."</p> + +<p>"What does ta say? Killed awr Tibby? Tha'd better keep thi +heels this +rooad as long as iver tha lives nor think o' sich a thing, for aw browt +her up wi a spooin throo being blind, an' aw wodn't swap her for all +th' +cats i'th' world. An' if it had been anybody else nor thee 'at had done +this, they'd ha' heeard a bit o' my tongue, aw con tell thi; but, +haiver, it is as it is, soa sit thi daan. Tha's noa need to luk soa +jaylus, mun, ther's nowt under thi nah but a wish in; tha luks as white +as a gooast; aw expect tha's getten thi deeath o' cold, but aw'll get +thi a sup o' whiskey, an' see if that'll warm thi a bit."</p> + +<p>Shoo went to th' cubbard an' browt aght a bottle, an' put it +onto th' +table, teld him to help hissen. "Tha's noa need to be flaid on it," +shoo +sed, "it's some o'th' reight sooart; it's what thi uncle allus taks +when +he ails owt, an' aw believe if th' time iver comes when a sup o' that +willn't cure him, it'll be a case o' curran cake an slow walkin: for aw +believe its saved his life manny a scoor times already, an' it's a +deeal +cheeaper nor doctor's physic."</p> + +<p>Jack tem'd some into a glass an gate a gooid swig; an' if yo +could ha' +seen his face yo'd niver ha' done ony moor gooid. If it had been +stricknine he couldn't ha' pooled a faaler mug. "What's th' matter," +shoo says, "is it to strong?"</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know whether it's to strong or net," he said, "but +it's aght +ov a different tap to what aw'm used to; just yo taste, an' lets see ha +yo like it."</p> + +<p>"It's thi maath 'at's aght o' order, mun; it's a drop o' old +Slicer's +best, an' aw'm sure ther's noa better to be getten abaat this quarter. +Aw dooant reckon to tak owt to sup misen," shoo sed, "but aw'll just +taste wi' thi."</p> + +<p>"Eea, do, sup it up, aw'm sure tha'rt welcome, for aw've had +enuff."</p> + +<p>Shoo gate a drop into her maath, but it coom aght agean +sharper nor it +went in; aw thowt her heart ud come up. "A'a dear! a'a dear!" shoo +says, +"it's Harryget watter! it's Harryget watter! aw've made a t'mistak!' +aw've made a mistak! but it's just thi luck."</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw expected yo'd say soa; it's allus put daan to my +luck, whether +it's my mistak or somdy else's; but it mud ha' been war."</p> + +<p>"Thear, tha'rt at it agean; aw believe if it h'ad been pooisen +tha'd +say soa; but, here, sithee, try this bottle; aw fancy tha'll find +this'll run daan better nor th' last." Soa he made hissen a drop, an' +after tawkin' a bit abaat ha things wor gooin on in a reglar way, he +axed if his uncle wor varry weel.</p> + +<p>"Yos, he's varry weel, aw think; at ony rate, he wor all, +reight when he +left here at braikfast time. Aw'm just gettin his dinner ready, an' tha +con tak it him if tha's a mind; tha'll find him up i'th' brickfield +yonder, doom summat at th' old well."</p> + +<p>Jack sed he'd be glad to goa, for he wanted to see him befoor +he went +back, soa as sooin as all wor ready he set off an' went towards th' +well, but befoor he gate up to it he 'heeard his uncle shaatin an' +bawlin an' gooin on as it he wor mad. "What's to do, uncle?" he sed as +sooin as he gate up to him, "whativer's to do?"</p> + +<p>"Do! it's enuff to drive me cracked, aw do declare! Here have +aw had a +lot o' chaps leadin watter to this old well for monny an' monnya day, +so +as we can pump it as we want it into that long field, an' aw'm blowed +if +summat hasn't getten to th' valve or summat, an' ther willn't a drop +come."</p> + +<p>"Why what will yo have to do nah!" sed Jack.</p> + +<p>"Do I what can aw do? Ther's nowt for it nah but for somdy to +goa daan +an' set it reight, an' aw'm far to old for sich a job'."</p> + +<p>"If that's all," sed Jack, "aw think aw con scrammel daan that +pipe; ha +deep is is it?"</p> + +<p>"It's nobbut abaat fifty feet, an' ther's a gooid flange to +rest on at +ivery two yards, but aw hardly dar let thi try, for tha maks si'ch a +mess o' iverything."</p> + +<p>"Dooant yo freeat abaat that; aw'll goa daan, just see."</p> + +<p>"Well, mind what tha'rt dooin', for ther's a gooid deeal o' +watter in +nah." Jack began to slide daan, one length at a time, an in a bit he +called aght "all reight."</p> + +<p>"C'an ta raik th' valve," sed his uncle.</p> + +<p>"Eea, but aw cannot stir it unless yo send me a hammer daan."</p> + +<p>"Well, stop thear wol aw fotch one, an' aw'll lower it daan +wi' a bit o' +band." An' away he ran to th' bottom o'th' next held for a hammer. He'd +getten abaaf hauf way daan, when up comes another looad o' watter, +drawn +bi two horses, an' two men wi' em.</p> + +<p>"This'll be my last looad to-day, Jeffry," sed one to his mate.</p> + +<p>"An' aw'm glad on it," sed Jeffry; "aw wonder if th' gaffer's +getten th' +valve altered yet; he wor sayin' summat abaat it when aw coom wi' th' +last barrel."</p> + +<p>"Aw can't say, aw'm sure; but another barrelful can't mak soa +mich +difference, whether he has or net, soa here goas." As sooin as he sed +that, he knocked a gurt bung aght o'th' back o'th' barrel, an a stream +as thick as mi leg began paarin daan th' well. It wor a gooid job for +Jack 'at he happened to be claspin his arms raand th' pipe, for if he +hadn't he'd ha' been swum ovver th' heead, an' noa mistak; an' as it +wor, he could hardly get a bit o' breeath, for th' watter seemed to +spreead aght like a sheet, an drive all th' air aght. He did try to +shaat once or twice, but it wor noa use, for th' watter made sich a din +wol nubdy could hear him.</p> + +<p>It didn't tak th' uncle aboon three or four minits to fotch +th' hammer, +an' as he war comin with it he saw this wattercart bein emptied into +th' +well, an' his heart gave ovver beeatin for abaat a minit; then he set +up +sich a shaat, an' ran at sich a speed, wol th' chaps wondered what +could +be to do. "Hold on!" he sed, "for goodness sake, hold on! Didn't yo +know +'at my neffy wor i'th' well?" "Noa bi th' heart did we!" an' th' barrel +wor bunged up in a crack, an' th' uncle bawled daan th' well as laad as +he could, "Jack, if tha'rt draanded spaik! He's deead sure enuff," he +said; "one on yo goa daan an' see if yo con bring up his body." Just +then coom a saand o' summat knockin th' pipe at th' bottom, an' th' +uncle called aght, "Jack, whear are ta?"</p> + +<p>"Aw should think yo've a gooid nooation whear aw am," sed +Jack, "aw've +managed th' job, soa nah aw'm comin up; luk aght an' give me a lift." +As +sooin as his heead wor within th' raich ov his uncle's fist, he +collared +hold ov his toppin, an niver let goa agean wol he stood o' safe graand. +"By gow, Jack, tha's given me a shock; awst be some time afoor aw get +ovver this; tha owt to manage better nor soa; it's like as if ivery +thing tha touches tha maks a mess on it."</p> + +<p>"That's reight, uncle, lig it o' me! But aw wonder whether yo +or me gate +th' mooast ov a shock. Aw should fancy it wor me."</p> + +<p>"Well, reight enuff, lad, it wor'nt a nice place to be in, an' +that suit +o' clooas 'll niver be fit to be seen agean."</p> + +<p>"Noa, aw dooant think they will," sed Jack; "but it mud ha' +been war, +for they arn't mine."</p> + +<p>"Why, whoa's are they? aw thowt as tha coom up 'at tha luk'd +varry +respectable."</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know whoa's ther reightful owner, uncle, but mi +hont has lent +'em me to put on wol mine gate dried, for, yo know, aw've been i'th' +swill-tub once today."</p> + +<p>"Why, then, that's my best Sundy suit 'at tha's gooan an +spoiled! aw +wonder 'at thi hont had noa moor sense nor to leean 'em to thee."</p> + +<p>"Aw wonder aw'd noa moor sense nor to goa daan that well to +spoil 'em, +for it's nooan a nice hoil to be in, an' when aw've a shaar-bath, aw'd +rayther have it withaat onybody's clooas."</p> + +<p>"Well, let's lig away, an' get hooam as fast as we can, for +thi hont'll +mak a noise aw'll bet, soa we mud as weel get it ovver as sooin as +possible."</p> + +<p>They went hooam an' tuk th' uncle's dinner back wi 'em, an' as +sooin as +shoo saw Jack shoo rested her neives on her huggens, an lukkin at him +throo heead to fooit sed, "What's ta been doin nah; can't ta stur +withaat gettin into a scrape?"</p> + +<p>"Well it seems net, for if aw dooant get into a mess misen, +ther's somdy +gets me into one."</p> + +<p>"Tha'll keep me dryin cloas for thee, aw can see that; but goa +upstairs +an' put on thi own duds, an' awl see if aw can fettle them up at tha +has +on."</p> + +<p>"Awm sooary to give yo soa mich trouble, but then it mud ha +been war, if +awd gooan daan an' niver come up."</p> + +<p>"Tha'd ha been noa loss, lad, tha needn't think; but luk as +sharp as tha +con, for aw've begun to get th' teah ready."</p> + +<p>"Awl net be long," he sed, an' wol he wor changin his clooas +th' uncle +tell'd her all 'at had happen'd, on shoo laff'd wol her face wor as red +as a turkey cock.</p> + +<p>When Jack coom daan th' table wor set an' all ready for th' +teah, an' +th' uncle an' hont had takken ther places at th' table.</p> + +<p>"Come sit thi daan," sed his hont; "but before tha +does, just hand me th' tea pot off th' rib; an' mind, for th' +hanel's hot."</p> + +<p>"Awl mind," he sed; an' as he began to think he'd had mishaps +enuff for +one day, he thowt he'd steer clear ov ony moor, an' soa as he'd been +wan'd th' hanel wor hot, he tuk hold o'th' spaat, an' he'd hardly +getten +a yard away throo th' fire wi' it, when a streeam o' boilin teah began +to run daan th' inside ov his jacket sleeve; but he held on like a man, +an' he wor detarmined he'd land it on to th' table, soa he ran wi' it +an' bang'd it into th' middle o'th' tea things, smashin cups an' +saucers +an' upsettin th' sugar basin an' th; creeam jug, an' makkin sich a mash +as yo niver saw.</p> + +<p>Up jumpt booath hont and uncle. "Just luk at my yollo satin +dress," sed +his hont; "it'll niver be fit to be seen agean!"</p> + +<p>"If tha doesn't tak thysen aght o' this haase," sed his uncle, +"awl +pawse thi aght, for tha's made moor bother sin tha coom in nor enuff."</p> + +<p>But poor Jack wor sufferin badly, which his hont (woman like) +noa +sooiner saw nor shoo forgave him all th' damage he'd done, an' went to +sympathise with him. His arm wor varry badly scalded, an' soa shoo put +some traitle an' flaar on it, an' lapp'd it up, an' then he sed he +thowt +it wor time he trudged hooam. "Aw wish tha'd trudged long sin," sed his +uncle, "an' if tha doesn't come here agean wol aw send for thi, tha +willn't come yet a bit."</p> + +<p>Jack gate his hat an' wor just gooin aght, when they +discovered 'at it +wor rainin varry fast. "Awl leean thi a umberella," said his hont, "but +aw dooant think awst iver see it agean, but as tha's been wet throo +twice to-day aw think tha's had baat enuff."</p> + +<p>He took th' umberella an' went to th' door, an' they follow'd +him to bid +him gooid day.</p> + +<p>He shoved th' umbrella under his arm, an' held aght his hand, +"Gooid bye +hont, wol aw see yo agean." "Confaand thy stupid heead!" shaated aght +th' uncle.</p> + +<p>"What's up nah?" sed Jack.</p> + +<p>"Can't ta see? Tha's shoved th' end o' that umberella stick +reight into +mi e'e."</p> + +<p>"Why, awm varry sooary," sed Jack, "but it mud ha' been war!"</p> + +<p>"Ha could it ha' been war, softheead?"</p> + +<p>"Why if awd shoved it into' em booath," sed Jack as he hooked +it, for he +thowt he'd better be goin.</p> + +<p>Whether he landed hooam withaat ony moor mishaps or net aw +cannot say; +but varry likely net. But aw think, we've follow'd him far enuff for +once, an' yo can form yor own opinion ov what sooart ov a chap he wor, +but altho we're inclined to laugh at sich a chap, yet they've happen as +mich wisdom as some 'at think they've moor; an' a chap's moor to be +envied nor pitied 'at can console hissen wi' thinkin 'at haiver bad +things are, 'at they mud hai been war.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Ha_a_Dead_Donkey_Towt_a_Lesson" id="Ha_a_Dead_Donkey_Towt_a_Lesson"></a>Ha a Dead +Donkey Towt a Lesson.</h2> + +<p>Respectfully dedicated to my ill-used long-eared friend,</p> + +<p>Neddy Bray</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Some fowk choose one +thing, some another,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To grace ther prose or +rhyme;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Some sneerin say 'at +tha'lot my brother,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Maks me choose thee for +mine;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Well, let 'em sneer owd +Neddy lad,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Or laff at my selection,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Who fail to see ther +type i' thee</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Are void o' mich +perception.—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther's things more +stupid nor an ass,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An things more badly +treated,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tho' we ait beef, an' +tha aits grass,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">May be we're just related.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Throo toil an' trouble +on tha jogs,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' then like ony sinner,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tha dees, an' finds a +meal for th' dogs;—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">We furnish th' worms ther +dinner.</span><br> + +<p>Deemas an' 'Becka used to keep th "Cock an' Bottle," i' awr +street. +They'd lived thear iver sin th' haase wor built, an' won iverybody's +gooid word, at worn't particlar abaght a sup o' drink. One day they +sent +aght invitashuns to all ther neighbors an' friends to come to a tea +drinkin. Niver mind if ther wornt a rumpus i' that district! Th' chaps +winked when they met one another, an' said "Aw reckon tha'll be at yond +doo?" "Aw mean to be nowt else," they'd reply; an' away they'd trudge +i' +joyful anticipation of a reight spree!</p> + +<p>But th' women! Hi! that's it! It's th' women 'ats th' life an' +soul ov a +jollificashun yet. They wor buzzin aght o' one door into another just +like a lot o' bees, to see what soa an soa wor gooin in. "What sooart +ov +a bonnet art ta baan in Zantippa?" said Susan Stooanthrow; (or rayther +aw should, say, Miss Stooanthrow, for shoo reckoned hersen th' lady +o'th +ginnel).</p> + +<p>"Well, aw've nut made up mi mind yet," shoo says; "but aw have +thowt aw +should goa, aw hardly know ha'; but what does ta think o' gooin in?"</p> + +<p>"Well, aw suppooas it's ta be a varry spicy affair, soa aw +have thowt aw +should goa i' full dress. Yo' see, being a single woman, an' rayther a +stylish shape, aw think it 'ud just suit me. What do yo' think?"</p> + +<p>"Just the varry ticket, lass! Tha' couldn't do better! For, as +aw've +mony a time said to Betty Wagstang, ther's noabody con mak up a moor +lady-liker appearance nor what tha con, when tha's a mind! But talkin' +abaght Betty, has ta seen that new cap o' hers?"</p> + +<p>"Do yo' mean that shoo bowt up th' street t'other wick?"</p> + +<p>"Th' same! Did ta iver see onybody luk sich a flaycrow i' all +thi life? +Her heead reminds me ov a gurt pickled cabbage. Shoo doesn't keep up +her +colour wi' nowt, tha may depend on't. Awther shoo can mak brass goa +farther nor other fowk, or else summat else; but they tell me 'at thers +nut mony shopkeepers abaght here but what has her name daan ofter nor +they like. But that's noa business o' mine."</p> + +<p>"Aw shouldn't be at all apprised at that, for aw've heeard +fowk say 'at +her family wor allus fond o' summat to sup afoor shoo wor born, an' +they +niver had a gooid word at th' shops. Is she gooin' ta be at this swarry?</p> + +<p>"At this what does ta say, Susy?"</p> + +<p>"Aw said swarry, some fowk call it sooary. It means a pairty +like yo' +know; it's th' French for a sooart ov a dooment, that's all."</p> + +<p>"Oh, well, awm sooary to say 'at booath her an' her felly gate +a invite, +but tha knows we've noa need ta mix up wi' sich like unless we've a +mind. Aw'm capt whativer made Becka ax her, for ther's hardly a woman +i'th ginnel but what had leever goa a' mile another rooad nor meet her; +but aw declare shoo's comin' sailin' daan like a fifty-gun ship! Talk +abaght owd Nick, an' he'll show his horns."</p> + +<p>"Well, Zantippa I aw do declare shoo is! Soa we mun stand it +aght, but +aw shall be varry reverse i' my talk, yo'll see."</p> + +<p>"Gooid morning, lasses!" said Betty, burstin' in. "Aw thowt +awd just +come daan to see what yo' thowt o' doing abaght this doo at th' Cock." +"Are ta baan Susy?"</p> + +<p>"Yes, aw expect soa, for aw received a 'billy duck' the +t'other day, a +askin' ov me to be present, if nothing didn't interspect my 'rangements +no otherwise."</p> + +<p>"Why, Susy! hang it up! sin' tha began o' dressmakin' an' +wearin' thi +hair like th' Empress Uginny, wi' all them twists an' twines, aw con +hardly tell what tha means. Are ta studdyin' for a skooilmistress?"</p> + +<p>"Nut exactualy, but yo' see aw' begun to talk a bit moor +propperer; for +when aw've to do wi' th' quality fowk, gooid talk an' a gooid redress +is +one o'th requirations 'at yo' connot disperse wi'; but aw mun goa mi +departure, for aw've soa mich to execute afoor neet, woll awm fair +consternationed when aw think on it,—for aw've noabody to +help me nah, +for my 'prentice has to stop at hooam wi' her fayther."</p> + +<p>"Ho, eea! Why, what's th' matter wi' him, is he badly?"</p> + +<p>"He is; for he hurt his leg a month or two sin', an' he's had +to goa to +th' infirmary to get it anticipated."</p> + +<p>"Why, whativer's that, Susy?"</p> + +<p>"To get it cut off, yo' know. But aw munnot stop, soa, gooid +day."</p> + +<p>An away Susy flew daan th' ginnel, famously suited wi' th' way +shoo'd +capt 'em wi' her scholarship.</p> + +<p>"Well, if iver aw saw sich a flybysky as yond Susy i' all my +life, aw'll +niver be trusted. Guy, hang it! shoo mud be as handsome as wax work, +shoo thinks soa mich ov her' sen! But aw fancy shoo'll ha' to dee an +owd +maid, for its nooan her sooarts 'at fellies wants. It's all varry weel +to sit nigglin' away wi' a needle an' threed, stickin' bits o' poasies +into cap screeds, an' stich in' mooinshine, but when a chap wants a +wife, he wants somdy 'at con brew, an' bake, an' scaar th' floor. Why, +aw could whip raand hauf a duzzen sich like to my thinkin'! An' when aw +see her screwin' up her maath an' dutchin, an' settin' her cap at ivery +chap shoo sees, it maks mi blooid fair boil in me; an' awm sure, if +ther +is a young chap abaght, shoo's wor nor a worm ov a whoot bakstull. Odd +drott it! it caps me 'at fowk should have noa moor sense nor ax sich +like to a party. But ha are ta off for clooas Zantippa? Con ta leean me +a under coit? Aw've all else ready."</p> + +<p>"Nay lass, aw connot; for th' last doo 'at aw wor at aw had to +borrow +one o' Susy. Aw've getten one nah, but aw'st want it.'</p> + +<p>"Aw wonder if Susy 'ud leean it me," said Betty, "Aw hardly +like to ax +her, for tha sees aw didn't give her the job o' makin' yond cap Tha's +seen mi new cap, hasn't ta?"</p> + +<p>"Eea! aw saw thi have it on t'other day."</p> + +<p>"Well, it's what aw call a nobby un; but awd better net waste +ony time, +soa aw'll goa an' see if Susy 'll leean me yond coit. Shoo can nobbut +say noa." An' away went Betty.</p> + +<p>'An' it's to be hooapt shoo will say' Noa, 'for if tha gets +it, shoo'll +ha' to luk sharp if iver shoo sees th' edge on it agean,' said Zantippa +"Aw'd leean thee nowt unless awd made up mi mind to pairt wi' it. Aw +dooan't mak' mich o' Susy, but shoo's worth a barrow-looad sich like as +thee. Bith heart! tha'd ma' a daycent looad for a barrow thisen! An' if +all's true aw've heeard, it's nut long sin' tha' wor one, an' had a +bobby for a cooachman. But that's nowt ta me He! gow! it's turned o' +twelve o'clock, an' my chap an' th' childer ul be here to ther dinner! +Consarn it! Aw hate to live amang a lot o' gossippin' fowk sich as ther +is abaght here, noabody con get to do owt. Be hanged, if th' fire isn't +aght! an' aw expect it'll tak' me as long ageean to leet it, coss a'wm +in a hurry. There's niver nowt done reight when a body's in a fullock. +Aw wish ther tea drinkins wor far enuff. Aw'd rayther sail across th' +salt seea nor be put i' sich a mooild as this. Yond's th' bell! An' +they'll be here in a minnit! A'a dear! A woman's wark is niver done!"</p> + +<p>"Aw think it niver is done, bi'th luk on it!" said Dick, as he +stept +into th' haase. "Ha' is it thers noa dinner ready? It's as ill as th' +weshin' day, or else war!"</p> + +<p>"Dinner! tha may weel ax abaght th' dinner," said Zantippa, +"doesn't ta +see 'at th' place is ful o' reik? Aw dooan't know what tha means to do, +but if we connot have that chimley altered aw know one 'ats baan to +flit."</p> + +<p>"Why, aw niver knew it smook'd afoor; but this fire's nobbut +just lit."</p> + +<p>"What's ta been dooin' baght fire?"</p> + +<p>"Fire? does ta want me to be smoord? It's grand for yo' 'at +con walk +aght to yo're wark as sooin as yo' get up, an' just come in to yo're +meals an' aght ageean, but yo' niver think o' what's to come o' me 'ats +ta tew amang it throo morn ta neet."</p> + +<p>"Why lass, ha' is it 'at it niver smooks ov a Sunday?"</p> + +<p>"Ha con I tell? tha mun ax it! Can't one o' yo' childer get +th' bellus +an' blow a bit, or are yo' baan to stand thear wi' yo're fingers i' +yo're maath woll aw fair drop? But it'll nut allus be soa, yo'll get me +ligg'd low some day, an' then yo'll have ta shift for yoursen."</p> + +<p>After a gooid deal o' botherin' an' grummelin', an' a varry +deal o' +wangin' th' cubbord doors, an' clatterin' th' pots abaght, Zantippa +managed to mak' a sup o' coffee an' butter a bit o' bread. Dick didn't +like this, but as he saw his wife wor th' wrang side aght, he thowt, +for +th' sake o' peace, he'd say nowt; soa he swallow'd his coffee an' cake +(if nut wi' thankfulness, at least i' quietness), an' then him an' th' +childer budged off.</p> + +<p>"Thear!" said Zantippa, as shoo watched 'em aght o'th seet, +"Aw've +managed that varry weel. Aw wod'nt ha' let him know for all th' brass +i'th bank 'at aw'd been talkin' woll aw'd letten th' fire goa aght. Aw +do hooap 'at ther'll nut a wick soul come an' bother me agean to-day, +for aw've niver had time to tak' th' cowks up yet, an' aw've all th' +stockins ta mend' at should ha' been done last wick, an' aw know Dick +hasn't a button left on his halliday shirt, it's time somdy stirred +thersen. Aw dooant know ha' fowk manage 'ats allus gaddin' abaght, aw +declare if aw ammut' allus slavin' at it, aw connot keep things +nowt-bit-like straight. Drabbit it! ('at aw should say sich a word) +ther's Betty comin' agean! Aw'd rayther be stranspoorted to Botny Bay +nor be as aw am. Ther's hardly a minnit but what ther's somdy o' th' +doorstun!"</p> + +<p>Betty coom in smilin' all over her face. "Nah!" shoo says, +"aw've +managed, an' aw've come ta see if tha'll goa wi' us, for Susy's baan up +th' street to buy a staylace, an' aw thowt aw'd just goa an' get th' +stink blown off, for aw've cawered i' this yard woll aw'm feear'd awst +grow maald. Put thi bonnet on, an' goa wi' us, we'st be back i' gooid +time."</p> + +<p>"Aw could like to goa, but aw've soa mich to do woll aw hardly +dar, for +woll aw wor talkin' to thee an' Susy this fornooin, th' fire went aght, +an' when Dick an' th' childer coom hooam ther wornt a bit o' dinner for +'em."</p> + +<p>"Well, awm capt, 'at tha'll bother wi' cookin' 'em dinners. Aw +allus let +awrs tak' ther jock wi' em, it saves a deal o' trouble, an' aw say a +woman's wark enuff, shoo haddles owt shoo gets, an' if we dunnot luk +aght for ussen noabody else will for us. But please thisen, if tha +doesn't tha darn't."</p> + +<p>"Oh! as to that, aw dar goa, but aw've nowt to goa for, an' +lots o' wark +at hooam. Aw think aw'd rayther nut."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha'll get noa better on for cawering ith' haase like a +moldwarp. +But aw mun goa, for Susy's waitin'." Away went Betty, an' Zantippa +ommost rued 'at shoo hadn't goan too: but it wor nobbut for a minit, +for +shoo teed her apron string a bit tighter, tuck'd up her sleeves, pooled +in a long breath, an' as shoo said, "began ta make a sidashun."</p> + +<p>Nah, if iver yo' want a chap to study a bit, an' resolve to +mend his +ways, let him be quiet; but if iver yo' want a woman to start o' +thinkin' an' resolvin', let her have summat to do. If a woman sits +quiet +shoo begins to mump. Aw niver hardly met a woman 'at could sit daan +quietly for five minits withaat sighin' two or three times; they think +an' think, an' sigh, an' shake ther heeads, an' if they're let alooan +they manage to wark thersen inta a bad temper abaght summat, but what +that is, aw've never met one 'at could tell. Zantippa didn't sit daan +an' mump, but up stairs shoo went an' made th' beds, an' a rare shakin' +they gat, for shoo wor just ful o' summat an' shoo mud vent her feelins +someway.</p> + +<p>Women have a deal better way o'managin' that sooart o' thing +nor what +men have. Ther are times when we're all brimful o' summat, th' steam's +up, an' if we connot find a safety valve we shall brust. Nah, a woman +drives up to th' elbows i'th' weshin' tub, or rives all th' carpets up, +or pools all th' pots aght o'th' cubboard an' puts 'em back agean. Shoo +lets her tongue have full liberty, an' what wi' talkin', an' sweatin', +an' scrub bin', an' brushin', shoo finds hersen reight daan tired, an' +after a bit ov a wesh an' snoddenin' her toppin', shoo sits daan to her +knittin' or sewin', as cooil as a cucumber, an' as ful o' gooid natur +as +an egg's ful o' mait, an' her een sparkle wi' pleasure, like dewdrops +sparkle on a rose in a summer's mornin'. But wi' a chap it's different, +nine times aght o' ten he flies to th' ale pot, or else he begins +growlin' at hooam. "Th' tea's hot," or "th' muffin's cold," or "th' +butter's wor nor cart grease." "Th' childer's noisy," or "th' wife's +quiet," an' noa matter what's done for him it's all wrang. Sometimes bi +th' way ov a change, he'll pawse th' table ower, an' braik as mony pots +as it'll tak a gooid part ov a week's wage to replace, an' at last, +after makin' iverybody abaght him miserable, he'll goa to bed lukin' as +black as a mule an' sleep woll mornin', when (unless he's ova bad +sooart) he'll feel reight daan shamed ov hissel, an' set to wark to put +things reight agean. Nah, Zantippa wor just i' one o' these moods; an' +shoo made th' beds, coom daan stairs, an' weshed all th' pots, scaled +th' fire an' took the ass aght, gave th' hearthstun another dooas o' +idleback, scattered a bit ov fresh sand o' th' floor, an' after weshin' +hersen, an' donin' a clean print dress, shoo laid th' table ready for +th' teah, gate th' kettle onto th' rib, an' sat daan wi' her bag ful o' +worset an' a heap o' stockins, an', as shoo luk'd raand shoo felt as +pleased as Punch to see what a difference shoo'd been able ta mak in an +haar or two. "Aw'm nooan sooary 'at aw stopt at hooam," shoo said to +hersen. "Aw know Dick'll be suited when he sees all fettled up, an' if +aw get theas stockins done ta neet the'll be aght o'th gate. Aw wonder +ha it wor 'at he tuk things sooa quietly this nooin; aw dooant think +it's reight when a chap's been work in' iver sin six o'clock ov a +mornin' for him to come hooam an' find noa dinner ready. Reight enuff, +a +woman's plenty to do to follow her haase, an' cook, an' mend, but if +ther wor noa wage comin' in, ther'd be less cookin' an' moor mendin', +aw've a noation. Aw've made up mi mind woll aw've been sidin' up 'at +aw'll nut waste mi time as aw have done, talkin' an' gossippin', for +ther's noa gooid comes on it, an' altho' aw want to keep thick wi' mi +neighbors, aw'm determined aw'll chop that sooart o' thing off at once; +for my mother used to tell me, 'If ther were noa listeners, ther'd be +noa taletellers;' an' th' time 'at one spends is war nor wasted, for it +oft leads ta 'fendin' an' provin', for them 'at come an' tell yo summat +abaght somdy else will just as sooin tell somdy else summat abaght yo. +An' luk what scrapes one gets into wi' it. Nah, aw made Dick believe +'at +th' chimley smookd, that wor a lie to say th' least on it, an' he'll be +sure ta noatice 'at it doesn't smook ta-neet, but if he names it aw'll +tell th' truth, for, aw'm sure noa gooid comes o' lying."</p> + +<p>When Zantippa had just made this resolve, th' door opened, an' +Dick au' +three childer coom in throo th' miln. He saw th' difference in a +minnit. +"Wipe them clogs," he said as th' childer wor walkin' in. "Tha's been +fettlin' a bit, lass, aw think. Are ta baan to ax some o'th' neighbors +to ther drinkin'?"</p> + +<p>"Noa!" shoo says, "aw'm baan to ax noabody but thee an' th' +childer. +Does ta want me to ax somdy?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, nooan soa! Aw'd as gooid as promised to goa as far as +'Th' Cock' +ta neet, to talk ovver this bit ov a doo, but aw think aw'll stop at +hooam, what says ta?" Zantippa smiled, nay even blushed, shoo knew what +he ment an' shoo felt pleased. It wor a bit ov a compliment, an' paid +her for all her trouble.</p> + +<p>"Please thisen," shoo said, as shoo poured aght a cup o' teah +for him, +an' lifted a pile o' tooast aght o' th' oven, "but aw think th'rt as +weel at hooam."</p> + +<p>"Well, an' aw think aw'm better," he said, as he luk'd raand, +"aw think +th' chimley doesn't smook as ill as it did, does it?"</p> + +<p>Shoo hung her heead, an' stooped ta pick a pin off th' floor, +but shoo +couldn't find one, an' when shoo luk'd up ther een met. Shoo didn't +spaik, nor moor did he; it worn't needed. It wor a long time sin they'd +sich a comfortable teah, an' when they'd done they sat some time at th' +table i' silence. Ha' long they might have sat aw connot tell, hadn't +th' door oppened, an' Betty come runnin' in wi' a pot to beg a sup o' +hot watter, for shoo said "Her chap had coom hooam, an' shoo'd been +rayther longer nor shoo expected, an' he wor playin' th' varry hangment +for his drinkin'."</p> + +<p>Shoo gate her hot water, an' went away. Dick luk'd at his +wife, an' +takkin' howd ov her hand, said, "Aw'm glad 'at tha hasn't to goa +seekin' +hot water, an' aw hooap tha niver may have."</p> + +<p>"Aw hooap nut," shoo said, an' sat daan evidently varry ill +set ta see +her stockins. Nah, what a little con make fowk happy or miserable. Dick +wor as content as a king, becoss all th' haas wor tidy. He saw at somdy +had been tryin' to mak' him comfortable; an shoo wor as delighted as if +shoo'd getten a fortin left, becoss what shoo'd done had suited him.</p> + +<p>When th' childer had getten all put ta bed, Dick said, "Lass, +aw've been +thinkin' 'at aw dooant care soa mich abaght gooin to this teadrinkin' +for aw've a noation 'at we connot goa ta th' tea withaat stoppin' an' +spendin' a lot o' brass at after, an' aw've heeard thee say as thar't +fast for some flannel. Nah, if we stop at hooam an' spend th' brass o' +what it is tha wants, it'll do us moor gooid nor th' ale, what says ta?"</p> + +<p>"Just thee please thisen, Dick. Aw had thowt o' gooin, but as +tha says +it's sure to cost summat, an' awr Billy wants some new clogs, for yond +tak watter varry ill, an' aw dooant know what we could do better wi' +th' +brass, an' aw think we con have as comfortable a teah at hooam."</p> + +<p>"Aw'm sure, an' moor soa, an' as tha's decided nut to goa, +aw'll tell +thi ov a marlock some o'th' chaps has been playin' but tha munnat +split, +for it hasn't to get aght woll after th' pairty. Tha knows Hungary at +works wi' us?"</p> + +<p>"Does ta meean him 'at once ait a pailful o' draff?"</p> + +<p>"Th' same chap! An' he declared 'at if he gate aside o'th +steaks at this +doo, he'd polish th' lot (an' aw believe he can ait owt less nor a +bullock), soa some o'th chaps made it up 'at he should have a dish to +his own cheek; but they'd ta be donkey steaks—for owd Labon +('at hawks +cockles an' mussels) had let his donkey catch cold or summat, at ony +rate it dee'd, an' soa they thowt if they could get some steaks off +that +they'd just come in, but they knew 'at owd Labon had rayther part wi' +his heead nor let onybody mell o'th donkey, for he thowt as mich on it +as if it wor a Christian. But they determined to scheme some way to get +it, soa Joe Longfooit offered to go into th' yard where it wor, an' cut +off one hinder leg an' tak it hooam ta cook, if Sam Sniggle 'ud watch +aght to see 'at noabody coom. Labon kept his donkey, tha knows, in a +place at th' top o'th long stepses, an' used ta goa raand th' back +rooad +wi' it, soa one dinner time they'd watch'd Labon aght o'th' yard, +(where +he'd been standin' rubbin' his een, an' strokin' his owd favourite,) +an' +when he'd getten nicely off they ventured to try ther luck. Joe +Longfooit went up wi' a gurt carvin' knife, an' left Sam at th' bottom +to whistle if he saw onnybody comin', an' he stood thear for a while, +but he wanted a bit o' bacca, an' ther wor sich a wind i'th' steps 'at +he couldn't get a leet, soa he went across the rooad into a doorhoil +for +shelter. He worn't aboon a minnit or two away, but when he coom back +what should he see but owd Labon within a few steps o'th' top. He +hardly +knew what ta do, but he managed as mich wind as made a whistle, an' +stood watchin' for th' next move. Joa heeard the signal, but it wor too +lat, for he couldn't get aght withaat th' owd chap seein' him, an' he'd +getten th' leg cut off ready for huggin' away, soa seizin' hold o'th' +shank, he watched for owd Labon's hat showin' aboon th' wall top, when +he gave it sich a clencher wi' th' thick end o'th' leg, woll he forced +th' brewards reight onto his sholder, then he laup'd ovver th' wall an' +ran hooam wi' his prize as fast as his legs could carry him, leavin' +Laban to find his way into dayleet ageean as weel as he could. Sam met +him at th' haase an' they worn't long i' cutting some grand lukkin' +steaks off, an' puttin' 'em ov a dish i'th cubboard, an' bith' time +they'd done that, th' bell rang an' they'd ta goa back ta ther wark. +When Labon gate his hat, once more onto th' top ov his heead, he went +ta +see his owd deead friend, an' when he saw it ligged thear wi' nobbut +three legs, he vow'd vengeance agean them 'at had done it, an' declared +'at if iver he fan it aght, he'd mak 'em pay for it, for it wor nowt +noa +less nor robbin' th' deead, an' he'd have' em tried for assasination. +Joa's wife wor aght when they took th' leg hooam, an' after they cut +th' +steaks off they'd hid t' other part under th' coils. But they hadn't +been gooan soa varry long when shoo coom in, an' as shoo wor gettin' +th' +pots aght o'th cubbord, shoo saw this dish' ful o' steaks. "A'a!" shoo +says, "it's just like yond chap to put thease in here an' say nowt +abaght it, but aw con just relish one o' thease to my drinkin', an' aw +dar say he'll want one, an' awm sure th' childer 'll do wi' a bit. We +hav'nt had as mich fleshmait i' awr haase afoor for many a wick. Fotch +that gridiron, Polly! We'st ha to do it o'th' top o'th' coil, for ther +isn't fat enuff to fry it."</p> + +<p>Shoo worn't long afoor shoo had it nicely cooked, an' the tea +made, an' +a thowt struck her' at shoo'd ax Sam's wife to her tea, for shoo knew +'at they didn't oft get steak at their haase, so Polly went an' browt +Mistress Sniggle an' all th' childer to ther tea, an' as ther wor eight +on' em, they varry sooin put thersen o'th' aghtside o'th' steak. They +set to wark then to get some clean pots ready for Joa, an' sent one +o'th' childer ta watch th' miln loise, ta tell Sam ta come wi' him. +When +they come all wor nicely ready for' em, but ther minds worn't easy, for +ther'd been a policeman axing abaght 'em at ther wark, for Labon had +seen Sam at th' bottom o'th' steps, an' he thowt he knew summat abaght +it, soa they declared they'd niver own to it to a wick soul. As sooin +as +they gate in they smell'd what wor up, for Joa knew ther wor noa mait +i' +th' haase else, an' his wife had no brass to buy ony. He looked at Sam, +an' thear they stooid i' th' middle o' th' floor as white as two +ghosts, +staring at one another, but they darn't spaik, an' booath waited to see +what t'other did.</p> + +<p>"Come on to your drinkin'," said th' women.</p> + +<p>"A'a! tha'rt a grand un, Joa," said his wife, "to put them +steaks i' th' +cubbord an' niver say a word abaght it, an' tha knows ha fond aw am ov +a +bit o' steak, an' it's a bit o' nice mait too, tho' it isn't as tender +as some. We've savvor'd it, aw con tell thi, for considerin' th' price +o' mait nah, a gooid steak's hardly within th' raich o' workin' fowk."</p> + +<p>Joa wor dumb struck, he stirred his tea, but he couldn't tak +his een off +th' steak. Sam rested his head on his hand an' complained abaght bein' +poorly.</p> + +<p>"It's for want o' some gooid support, mun," said his wife, +"get some o' +that mait into thi. It's made me feel a different body, awm as frisky +as +a young foil, an' luk at th' childer, they're wrastlin' thear like +young +bullocks. Mun, it puts a bit o'th' natur o'th' beast into 'em."</p> + +<p>But Sam declared he felt poorly, an' couldn't touch mait; but +Joa +couldn't spaik at all. As he sat starin' at th' dish, old Laban went +past th' door, wi' a basket o' awther arm shaatin' aght "Cockles alive! +Mussels alive, oh!" As sooin as Joa heard that he seized a fork, an' +stuck it into th' mait wi' sich a force, 'at he smashed th' dish an' +pinned it fast to th' table top. "Woa, up!" he said, "stop thee thear!"</p> + +<p>"A'a! gaumless! tha's been having summat to sup this +afternooin, aw can +see," said his wife. "Tha mud ha' thowt owd Labon wor callin o'th' +steak +to goa wi' him!" But poor Joa couldn't get a word off. Drops o' sweat +stood ov his foreheead as big as pays, an' he couldn't tak his een off +th' mait. "Is ther summat th' matter wi' that steak, makes thi 'at tha +connot touch it?" said his wife; "awm sure it's nicely enuff; what is +ther to do wi' thi?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, th' steak's reight enuff," said Joa, raisin' courage to +spaik, "th' +steaks all reight, but aw'm nut i'th' knife an' fork line to-neet. +What's that noise i'th' cellar?" he said, starting aght ov his chear, +wi' his hair ommost studden ov an end, an' his een starin', an' his +teeth girnin', like a. sheepheead between a pair o' tangs!</p> + +<p>"What noise! Does ta mean that rawtin' daan i'th' cellar?"</p> + +<p>"Eea!"</p> + +<p>"Oh, it's nobbut th' childer 'at's laikin, some on 'em's +recknin' to be +donkeys an' t'other's drivin' 'em; they've been at it iver sin they'd +ther drinkin'; it's that mait 'at's suited 'em soa, mun, woll they +dunnot know what to do."</p> + +<p>"Aw mun goa hooam," said Sam, "aw can't bide, aw'm varry +poorly."</p> + +<p>"Why yo booath luk awther poorly or summat," said his wife. +"An' aw +think th' sooner yo get to bed an' th' better."</p> + +<p>Sam an' his wife and childer went hooam, an' it wornt long +afoor Joa wor +burrying his heead under th' blankets, an' tryin' to fall asleep; but +he +couldn't, for as sooin as he began to dooaz off, he began dreamin' 'at +he wor tryin 'to swallow a donkey an' wakkened wi' it stickin' in his +throit.</p> + +<p>Th' next mornin' when they met ther faces luk'd moor like two +dazed +cakes nor owt, for they'd hardly a mite o' color left. "We're reight in +for it this time, Sam," said Joa. "Aw believe this job 'll tell ov +itsel'. Does ta think 'at it makes ony difference wi' fowk aiting +donkey +beef?"</p> + +<p>"Well, aw dooant know; but aw did once know a chap 'at wor a +reglar cauf +heead, an' he hardly iver ait owt but veal, an' tha knows th' bass +singer at awr church gets bacon to ommost ivery meal, an' he grunts as +ill as a pig, bi'th' heart does he;—an', awm sure, my +childer's ears +luk'd longer to me this mornin', or else aw thowt soa!"</p> + +<p>"Well, an aw'm sure my wife snoor'd i'th neet moor like a +donkey rawtin +nor owt else, an' th' fust thing awr Isaac axed me this marnin' wor to +buy him some panniers so as he could be a mule. But what are we to do +wi' yond t'other pairt o'th' leg?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, we mun burry that, we'll ha' noa moor truck wi' that, an' +aw think +we'd better ax some advice abaght some o' them 'at's etten th' other; +for it wod be a doo if they'd to start o' growin' tails or summat! +ther's noa tellin'."</p> + +<p>They were boath soa terrified woll they left their wark, an' +they went +to see an owd chap 'at's varry skilful o' heearbs, an' they tell'd him +all abaght it, an' axed him "if he thowt it 'ud mak ony difference to +them 'at had etten it?"</p> + +<p>"Well," he said, "considerin' what sooart o' fathers they have +aw dooant +think it will mak mich difference to th' childer, it hardly con, an' if +th' wives get rayther unruly, yo mun try an' bridle 'em a bit. But if +yo'll tak my advice for't future, yo'll let that alooan 'at doesn't +belang to yo, for yo'll allus find ought dishonestly getten, will breed +moor trouble to yo nor what th' loss 'll mak to them yo've ta'en it +throo,—soa goa hooam, an' bear i' mind 'at "Honesty is th' +best +policy," an' if 'owd Labon's donkey has towt yo that lesson, it hasn't +dee'd for nowt."</p> + +<p>They went back to their wark, but someha' or other it's getten +wind, an' +aw fancy 'at th' doctor's tell'd, but be that as it may, aw consider +they wor reight sarved, an' aw dooant think they'll show up at this +tea-drinkin'.</p> + +<p>"Well, aw niver heard sich a tale i' my life," said Zantippa. +"An' aw +should think they'll never see a donkey withaght thinkin' on it, an' if +soa it'll noa daat be for th' best. Noabody owt to be aboon learnin' +when they've a chonce, an' aw think aw've lent a lesson to-day."</p> + +<p>"Does ta lass, an' what is it?"</p> + +<p>"Why, 'at to mak hooam comfortable owt to be a woman's furst +duty, for a +clean hearth an' a cheerful fire do a deal towards makin' a cheerful +heart; for when a haase is upset a chap's temper gets upset, an' it's a +deal better to prevent a few cross words nor to try an' mak things up +agean."</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt a gooid lass, Zantippa! God bless thi! Let's goa to +bed!"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="One_Two_Three" id="One_Two_Three"></a>One, +Two, Three.</h2> + +<p>Nah number one is onybody an' iverybody; for we're all number +one to +ussen. Ther's an old sayin, an' it must be true, for ommost iverybody +seems to believe it, 'at we should all remember number +one—that is, +it's set daan to be iverybody's duty to do th' best they can for +thersen, an' it's becoss this doctrine is soa well acted up to, 'at +maks +me think 'at ther may be a bit ov amusement an' profit i' studying +abaat +it at this time—yo can tak th' amusement an' let me have th' +profit. +Nah, if you act up to my advice, aw think yo may be happen better nor +yo +are, an' if yo dooant aw dooant think yo'l be ony war, an' that's one +comfort. Ther's nowt like startin at th' faandation ov a subject, if yo +want to deal wi' it in a reight way, an' aw intend to goa to th' rooit, +an' as money is th' rooit ov all evil, an' th' number one doctrine is +i' +my opinion an evil, aw shall start wi' brass. We mun awther believe +money to be th' rooit ov all evil, or else we daat th' wisdom o' him at +sed it, but at th' same time my experience taiches me at it's a varry +useful thing to have i' yor pocket when yo goa to market, an' it's a +wonderful thing for stiffenin a chap's back booan. Allus remember this, +at th' heigher yo hold yor heead an' lower other fowk 'll bow theirs. +Ther are exceptions to this rule, for ther are 'at think a honest man +has as mich reight to hold up his heead, even if he hasn't a penny in +his pocket, as one 'at's thaasands o' paands. Ov coorse, yo know better +nor that; for a empty heead an' a full purse can pass muster even i'th' +Parliament. Then, whativer yo do, yo mun get hold o' this brass, an' +niver heed, if becoss your gettin moor nor yo want causes some others +to +goa short—that's nowt to yo—yor number one an' luk +to that. If yo can +nobbut get a fortune, yo'll find friends come withaat seekin. But mind +whativer yo do to get yor brass honestly-that is, get it i' some way +'at +th' law cannot touch yo. Dooant knock a chap daan an' tak it throo him, +but start some sooart ov a society wi' a long name, get some offices in +a garret in a grand street, get some chap wi' a hannel to his name to +be +president, an' a lot o' directors 'at nawther yo nor onybody else iver +knew, pay a poor begger fourteen shillin a week to be scratchetary, mak +yorsen into th' treasurer, an' then advertise. Somdy'll be sure to tak +shares, an' as sooin as ther's ony brass to goa on wi,' vooat yor sen a +salary ov two thaasand a year,—mak sure to get +it—an' then, if ther's +ony claims at yo connot meet wind up th' business. Fowk'll be sure to +sympathise wi' yo, and yo'll have as mich as 'll keep yo respectable +for +a bit, an' then yo can luk aght for another chonce o' turnin a honest +penny. Yor belly'll be full an' your back weel clooathed, your +conscience—well, tak noa noatice o' that,—an' if yo +can get a front +seeat in a chapel yo'll stand a gooid chonce o' been made a taan +caancillor or a member o'th schooil booard. This number one doctrine +has +another advantage, a chap 'at follows it aght has nubdy's else +interests +to bother abaat; he doesn't care who dees soa long as he lives, nor who +sinks soa long as he can swim. But allus tak care net to let other fowk +know 'at yo live up to this system; for although iverybody thinks a +gooid deeal o' ther own number one, nubdy seems fond ov another's. Some +even goa soa far as to call a number one chap selfish. Well, worn't we +born into th' world to be selfish? What have we nails for if we munnot +scrat? What have we teeth for but to bite? What have we een for but to +look after awr own interests? What have we ears for but to listen for +iverything to us own advantage? What have we bodies for but to serve? +This is number one doctrine. Its varry popular, an' does varry weel for +this world; ther's a deal o' hansom gravestooans stand ovver once +successful number ones. What ther number is i'th' next world is moor +nor +aw can tell, but aw know they'll have to start afresh, for all they +iver +gained they've left behund.</p> + +<p>Fowk 'at niver loise seet o' 'number one,' are a hard workin +set as a +rule, but even they have to amuse thersen a bit sometimes, an' they +find +it a nice change to luk after 'number two.' To a chap o' this sooart, +iverybody's 'number two,' 'at's a bit better awther i' luks, position, +or pocket. Nah if yo want ony fun o' this sooart aw'll tell yo ha to +get +it. Furst ov all, find aght sombdy 'at yo fancy yore mates think moor +on +nor they think o' yo—watch him ivery time yo get a chonce, +an' see if +yo connot pick aght a hoil in his coit. Dooant be disheartened if yo +have to luk a long time before yo can find a fault—be sure +ther is one +somewhear, an' if yo can't see it at a distance, hutch cloiser up, mak +a +gurt fuss on him, niver say owt contrary to what he says; if he says +summat funny, laff fit to split yor sides, an' if he says owt serious, +luk solemn an' shak yor heead. Watch him carefully, an' it's a thaasand +to one but some day yo'll catch him trippin. If, when yo've fun a hoil, +it's soa little as to be hardly worth noaticing, dooant despair, wol +yor +clappin him on his back an' smilin in his face, yo can happen get yor +finger in, an then rive it a bit bigger. Do it gently at furst, just a +little bit at a time, and then when yo've getten a chonce, rip it as +far +as yo can. But be sure yo have nowt ony moor to do with him after that. +If yo see him comin, cross on t'other side o' th' rooad, niver let on +'at yo've seen him, but as sooin as he's getten past, shak yor heead +sorrowfully an' sigh; if yo happen to have a clean hankerchy i' yor +pocket, yo may tak it aght and mak believe to wipe off a +tear—niver +heed if ther isn't one, fowk'll think better o' yo, an' all the war o' +him. If onybody should come an' ask yo if yo've heeard that sad tale +abaat him, say. 'God forbid at yo should hear owt war nor what yo've +heeard before.' Dooant seem inclined to listen, but when they've done, +say, 'Well, well it's a thaasand pities, but if that wor th' warst it +wodn't matter mich.' He's sure to go away wi' th' noation 'at yo know +summot abaat th' same chap 'at's ten times war nor owt he's heeard, but +yo've too mich gooid natur to tell it. Nah this is all varry gooid fun +for' number one;' an when yo see poor' number two' loise his shop, or +shunned, or luked shyly at wi' them at wor once his admirers, an' yo +know 'at it's allowing to yo, then yo can goa hooam an' shut yorsen up +all bi yorsen, an' laff, an rejoice to yor heart's content. But dooant +be surprised if, when yo chuckle, yo should hear another chuckle cloise +to yor elbow, for haiver yo lock an' bolt th' door, yo connot keep th' +devil aght. He enjoys a bit o' fun o' this sooart as weel as yo, an' +he's nobbut come to show yo ha pleased he is. If yo dooant like his +compny sarve him th' same way —remember yo're 'number one,' +an he's +nobbut 'number two' to yo. Pool as long a face, an' luk as +sanctimonious +as yo can, an' wheniver yo've a chonce, tell fowk to shun him an' all +his works, tell 'em 'at he's prowlin raand like a lion seekin who to +make a meal on th' next. Yo needn't be mailly-maathed abaat him, becoss +he's net suppooased to have ony friends. He willn't care a button what +yo say, 'coss he knows yo cannot injure <i>his</i> +character, an' he laffs +to +hissen as he sees yo sighin, an lyin, an scheamin, all for 'number +one,' +an he puts a mark opposite yor name to show 'at he's noa need to luk +after yo ony moor—yo're all safe—an' then he turns +his attention to +some 'number twos.' It's gooid spooart, isn't it? May be yo think it's +a +spooart 'at's niver entered onybody's heead but mine, but yor +mistakken. +It's a varry common spoart. Mind yo dooant catch yorsen indulging in it +some day.</p> + +<p>Number three reminds a body ov a deeal o' things, but nowt as +mitch as a +pop shop. Them three gold balls 'at hing aght to show whear th' poor +fowk's bankers live, if they could nobbot spaik, could tell a tale 'at +wod cap some o' them wiseacres 'at reckon to know all poor fowk's +troubles, an' th' way to cure' em. Nah, it's a puzzle to me to accaant +for one o' these things, an' that is, 'at fowk's actions should be +regarded through a different standpoint to owt else i' th' world. A +little tree is a tree, an' it's nobbut a tree ha big it is—a +puttate is +nobbut a puttate if it grows as big as a churn-an' a man considers +hissen a man whether he's a Goliah or a Tom Thumb. But actions are +different altogether. Whether they're to be considered gooid or bad +depends entirely o' th' bugth on 'em. A chap 'at can chait somdy aght +ov +twenty thaasand paands is considered smart: but a poor begger 'at +stails +a looaf is a thief. A chap 'at walks into th' joint stock bank, an'. +leaves th' title deeds ov his property for th' loan ov five or six +hundred paands, is an honerable tradesman, 'an it's considered a +business—like act; but a poor woman' at taks her fiat-iron to +th' pop +shop, an' borrows sixpence on it, commits a sin—it's a +disgrace. Aw +wonder what th' mooast o' th' banks are but pop shops. What difference +is ther between a pop ticket an' a check book? Varry little nobbut th' +bugth. I' my opinion it's noa moor a disgrace for a chap to pop a paper +coller nor for another to morgage a property. Ther's a gooid deal o' +speculation sometimes i' booath cases. Nah, aw once knew a chap at popt +a haufacraan for two-an-four-pence, an then sell'd th' ticket for a +shillin: soa he didn't loise owt. They're useful places i' ther way, +though aw dooant mean to say at ther's noa evils connected wi' 'em. +Nah, +aw once knew a woman 'at popt her husband's Sunday clooas so as shoo +could buy a new dress for hersen, 'an when he fan it aght he gave her a +lickin an' had to goa befoor th' magistrates, an' they fined him ten +shillin or to goa to quad for a month, soa his wife popt her dress to' +pay th' fine. Nah, it isn't ivery evil 'at can reighten itsen like +that; +an' varry likely bith time they've getten 'em aght agean they'll have +lernt moor wit.</p> + +<p>Ther's summat else 'at number three reminds me on, an' that's +th' three +things at we all owt to have—Faith, Hope, an' Charity. As to +Faith, +ther's awther a gooid deeal on it i' th' world, or else fowk dooant +spaik truth. Hope we've all enuff on, an' some fowk moor nor what does' +em ony gooid, for they're ofter hopin nor strivin. But when it comes to +Charity, then aw'm a sooart o' fast amang it. It's a nice word, a bonny +word aw think; it luks nice in a church or a bazaar. It's a nice word +to +tak for a text, it saands nice onytime unless it's at a meetin o' th' +poor law guardians, then it saands harder an' harsher someway. For mi +own part, aw've niver been able to understand exactly what it meeans. I +have an opinion o' mi own; but then aw know it must be wrong, becoss +it's so different to other fowk's. Aw wor once walkin aght wi' a chap +'at wor chock full o' charity. He wor soa full on it 'at it used to +roll +aght ov his maath ivery two or three minutes, and we hadn't gone far +when we met a little lad, wi' hardly a bit o' clooas on him, an' he +luk'd as if he'd been livin o' th' smell ov a cook shop for a wick, an' +he coom beggin a hawpney. Well, to tell th' truth aw wor gooin to pass +him, for aw hadn't a fardin, but my charitable friend did stop, an' he +patted him on his heead, and axed if he he'd a father an' mother, an' +if +he went to th' Sunday schooil, an if he knew his Catichism, an' then he +sed, Well, be a good boy, an' sometime when aw've a hawpny aw'l give it +thi,' an' we went away. When we'd gooan a two or three yards he sed, +'Let's have a glass o' ale, for aw'm dry—aw feel sooary for +yond lad, +but yo connot allus be givin.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Sammy_Bewitched" id="Sammy_Bewitched"></a>Sammy +Bewitched.</h2> + +<p>Aw shall niver forget Sammy Sawney. He's deead nah an' it's a +pity at +owt like him iver should dee, for he wor net only t' first but aw +believe t'last o' 'tsooart. Aw niver remember him as a lad, for he wor +a +gooid age when aw wor born, but aw've heeard enuff abaat him to mak me +feel as if aw'd known him at that time, an' judgin' bi what aw knew on +him as an old man aw can believe it ivery word true.</p> + +<p>Sammy's mother wor a widdy, an' he wor her only child. Shoo +wor worth a +little bit o' brass, an' his fayther had been considered varry weel to +do, for he'd abaat twenty hand-loom weyvers workin for him, an' his +bumbazines wor allus considered t'best i' t'market. When Sammy wor four +year old shoo detarmined to send him to t'schooil an' have him +eddicated +for a banker's clerk, for to be handlin brass all t'day long wor to her +t'happiest condition i' life.</p> + +<p>It wor easy enough to send Sammy to t'schooil but to get him +eddicated +wor another matter, an' whether it wor as t'schooil-maister sed, 'at +his +heead wor too thick iver to drive owt into it, or, as his mother said, +'at t'schooilmaister knew nowt an' soa he could taich nowt, aw dooant +pretend to say.</p> + +<p>Little Sammy hadn't a varry easy time on it, for he wor +shifted abaat +throo one schooil to another, wol he hadn't mich o' a chonce o' +leearnin' even if he had some brains, an' ther' wor at sed he hadn't.</p> + +<p>But his mother had faith ther wor summat in him, an' varry +likely ther +wor, for nowt iver coom aght, an' what some fowk called +wrangheeadedness, shoo considered to be genius badly directed.</p> + +<p>One day he wor at t'beckside, an' shoo went to see what he wor +dooin', +an' as shoo saw he'd nobbut one clog, shoo axed him what he'd done wi' +tother, an' he sed he'd made it into a booat, an' it had sailed away +down t'beck, soa shoo tawked nicely, an' tell'd him he shouldn't do +soa, +for it wor lost, an' he mud allus remember 'at if he put owt into +t'beck, he'd niver see it ony moor, for t'watter ran daan at sich a +rate; but he sed he'd fun aght a better way o' dooin' it next time, for +he'd put t'furst in wi' t'toa pointin daan t'hill, but when he put +t'next in, he'd point t'toa up t'hill, an' it wouldn't find it quite +soa +easy gooin.</p> + +<p>"A'a, Sammy lad," sed his mother, as shoo stroked his heead, +"tha's a +deal moor i' this nop nor ivver thi fayther had, or me awther, for aw +should niver ha' thowt o' that." Sammy put tother in, takkin care to +point t'toe t'contrary way to what t'watter wor runnin, but as sooin as +he left lawse it turned raand an' foller'd tother, an' wor sooin aght +o' +seet.</p> + +<p>"Nah, then!" he sed "didn't aw tell yo? If it hadn't turned +raand, it +'ud ha' been goin' up t'hill, but t'chap 'at made them clogs didn't +mak' +'em reights an' lefts. Yo see they're booath left, an' aw believe +that's +the reason aw've allus been lat to t'schooil."</p> + +<p>"Niver heed, Sammy, tha shalln't go to t'school ony moor, for +aw believe +tha'rt better able to taich t'maisters nor they are to taich thee."</p> + +<p>"Awm sewer on it mother; for t'last maister aw had sed awd +towt him +patience, an' awm sartin he niver towt me owt."</p> + +<p>"Come thi ways, lad, an' awl buy thee some new clogs at +another shop, +but dooant put any moor into that beck, unless tha tees a string to +'em, +if tha does awst ha' to give thee a lickin, soa tha knows; for even +knowledge can be bowt too dear."</p> + +<p>After gettin his new clogs, shoo tuk him into a spice shop to +buy a +penorth o' owt he liked, soa he ax'd t'old woman for a penorth o' +humbugs; but as sooin as he'd getten 'em, he altered his mind an' thowt +he'd have acid drops, soa shoo changed em'; but he'd hardly getten 'em +when he changed his mind, an' said he'd rayther have a rockstick, an' +when he'd gate that, he wor walkin' aght, an' shoo sang aght after him +'at he'd niver paid her for it.</p> + +<p>"Why, aw gave yo t'acid drops for it."</p> + +<p>"Eea, but tha niver paid for t'acid drops."</p> + +<p>"A'a, what a tale I didn't aw give yo t'humbugs?"</p> + +<p>"But tha niver paid for t'humbugs."</p> + +<p>"Why, aw havn't etten t'humbugs, have aw? Didn't aw give' em +yo agean? +Yo dooant want payin' twice, sewerlee?",</p> + +<p>"Well aw dooant know hah it is, what tha says saands reight +enuff; but +what aw do know is, at tha's getten a rockstick, an' aw havn't getten a +penny."</p> + +<p>"You see what it is to be a scholar," sed his mother; "but +yo'st loise +nowt bi a child o' mine," soa shoo gave her t'penny an' coom away.</p> + +<p>As they wor walkin on, Sammy put t'last bit into his maath an' +sed, +"mother, can yo tell me why is old Sally like that rockstick?"</p> + +<p>"Nay lad, awm sewer aw cannot."</p> + +<p>"Becoss they've booath getten suckt."</p> + +<p>"A'a, lad, dooant study soa mich, awm feeard strainin thi +brain, but can +ta spell brain?"</p> + +<p>"Brane."</p> + +<p>"Nay, lad, ther's a I in it."</p> + +<p>"Then aw must have three, if aw've two i' mi heead an' one i' +mi brain."</p> + +<p>"Aw niver thowt o' that, but tha'rt far too clivver for me, +an' awst +nivver rest until aw get thi into a bank."</p> + +<p>Now it soa happened 'at ther wor a man 'at had done business +wi' Sammy's +fayther i' former days, an' after a bit o' persuadin he consented to +tak' him into his office, an' t'lad wor soa praad ov his place, 'at, +strange as it seems, he did begin to leearn a bit o' summate T'chap tuk +a deeal o' pains wi him, an' his mother's heart wor oft made glad wi' +hearin a gooid accaant of his gooins on. When he used to goa to his +dinner wi' a pen stuck behind his ear, an' his finger daubed wi' ink, +as +if he'd been cleeanin' aght t'ink bottles, shoo could hardly keep her +arms off his neck, an' monny a time shoo'd sit watchin him as he put +t'puddin aght o' t'seet, wi' tears in her een, an' wish his farther wor +thear to see him. But his face grew whiter an' he didn't seem to have +as +mich life in him as he used to have, an' this caused her a deeal ov +uneasiness, an' at last shoo decided to goa an' have a word wi' his +maister. Shoo went to t'office, an' they made a gurt fuss o' t'old +woman +an' ax'd her into a private raam to sit daan.</p> + +<p>"Aw've come," shoo sed, "to have a word or two abaat ahr +Sammy; aw +should like to know hah yo think he gets on?"</p> + +<p>"Better than we expected," he said; "he runs errands very well +and his +writing is better than it was, but his spelling wants improving, yet we +think we shall be able to make a man of him."</p> + +<p>"Well, if that's all aw think he'll get better on it, an' as +for spellin +a word wrang nah an' then aw dooant see 'at that maks mich difference +soa long as yo know what it meeans. But what do yo think troubles him +t'mooast?"</p> + +<p>"Well at the present time it's with the which's, but you must +excuse me +just now for a very important customer has called and I must see him." +Soa he jumpt up an' left her. It didn't tak her long to get hooam, an' +as shoo'd allus been ov a superstitious way o' thinkin, her mind wor +filled wi' anxiety abaat her lad.</p> + +<p>"Just to think," shoo sed, as shoo trudged along, "'at he +should be +bewitched! A grand lad like him-but it's somdy at's done it just aght +o' +spite, an' aw've a varry gooid noation who's done it. It's that nasty +gooid-for-nowt 'at lives at t'back o' awr haase,—shoo's niver +been able +to bide t'seet on him sin' he cut her cat tail off, an' shoo knew well +enuff he nobbut did it for fun. But awl see if aw connot braik +t'spell." +As shoo had to pass a smithy on her way hooam shoo went in, an' axed if +they'd an old horseshoe to give her, for shoo knew that wor a thing 'at +witches couldn't bide t'seet on.</p> + +<p>"Why, Meary, what dun yo want it for. Are yo freetened o' +t'boggards?"</p> + +<p>"Awst nooan be freetened o' thee if tha wor a boggard," shoo +sed, "but +has ta getten one?"</p> + +<p>"Well, aw dooant know, but aw've a pair o' donkey shooin here, +if tha +thinks they'll fit yor Sammy tha can have' em an' welcome."</p> + +<p>"Aw think they'd be a deeal moor likely to fit thee, judgin bi +t'length +o' thi ears," shoo sed; "but aw want a horseshoe if tha's getten one, +an' if tha hasn't say soa, an' dooant keep me waitin here."</p> + +<p>He hunted abaat till he rooited one aght, an' he gave it her, +an' shoo +put it in her pocket an' went off withaat iver stoppin to thank him for +it. When Sammy had getten his supper shoo sent him to bed, an' tell'd +him to leave her his waistcoit, as shoo wanted to do summat at it. As +sooin as shoo wor bi hersen shoo pool'd t'horseshoe aght ov her pocket +an' began to plan hah shoo could fasten it to t'back ov his waistcoit, +for shoo thowt that wod be t'best place for it, an' although it wor a +nasty thing to hug up an daan, yet it wor a deeal better nor havin to +live under t'influence ov a evil eye. It tuk her a bit o' seheamin +befoor shoo gate it stitched on to her fancy, but patience won +t'battle, +an' when shoo went to bed she felt easier in her mind.</p> + +<p>T'next mornin shoo'd a deal o' trouble to get Sammy to put it +on, for he +couldn't tell t'meanin on it, but his mother lukt soa serious abaat it +'at he didn't like to say he wodn't wear it.</p> + +<p>He went to his wark, but his jacket didn't fit quite as well +as usual, +an' as for keep in his waistcoat i' ony-bit-like shape, he couldn't do +it, for t'weight behind wor soa heavy wol it pool'd t'buttons ommost up +to his chin, an' when he sat on his stooil i' t'front o' t'desk, he +felt +as if somdy wor tryin' to upset him backards. When he went to his +dinner, he felt as if he wor huggin a pack, an' he begged hard ov his +mother to let him goa withaat it, but shoo sed shoo darn't trust him +aght ov her seet if he hadn't it on, for it wor to shield him. "It's a +queer place for a shield," he sed, "but awl try it this afternooin, an' +if it doesn't feel easier awst niver put it on agean."</p> + +<p>When he coom hooam at neet, he wor booath tired an' cross; an' +after his +Supper he gat a slate an' pencil an' sat daan to write, lukkin' varry +glum. His mother watched him varry anxiously for a while, an' then shoo +sed quietly, "Tha doesn't look varry weel to-neet, Sammy, does ta think +tha'rt goin' to have a spell o' sickness?" "Noa, but awm sick o' +spellin', for t'gaffer's allus agate on me becoss aw connot spell +'which.' Aw've spell'd it wich-whitch-witch-an' which-du' awl goa to +hummer if aw can tell which is which even nah. Aw wish ther worn't a +which."</p> + +<p>"Which witch does ta mean, Sammy?"</p> + +<p>"Aw can't tell which which, aw wish aw could."</p> + +<p>"A'a Sammy," shoo sed, an shoo threw her arms raand his neck, +"tha's +taen a load offmy mind!"</p> + +<p>"Well, you've putten me one on to mi waistcoit."</p> + +<p>"Tak it off, lad, for tha doesn't need it! Tha doesn't know +hah thankful +aw am, for when aw wor tawkin' to thi maister yesterday he sed tha wor +troubled wi' witches, an' aw sewed t'horseshoe on to scare 'em."</p> + +<p>"Which whiches did he mean?"</p> + +<p>"Which witches witch?"</p> + +<p>"Aw can't tell which is which."</p> + +<p>"Nivver heed which it is, Sammy, soa long as it isn't a witch. +If it's +nobbut a difference ov a letter or two aw can't see 'at it means owt. +Goa thi ways to bed, an' dooant let me have to call on thee for a clock +haar before tha frames to get up."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Hard_to_Pleeas" id="Hard_to_Pleeas"></a>Hard +to Pleeas.</h2> + +<p>"Aa, well! Wonders'll nivver cease! Come thi ways in! +Whativver's browt +thee here ov a day like this? It isn't fit to turn a dog aght ot door."</p> + +<p>"Noa lass, an' if awd been a dog aw dooant think awst ha +turned aght, +but bein' a poor widdy woman my life's war nor a dog's life onny day +ith +wick."</p> + +<p>"Tak thi bonnet an shawl off an creep up to th' range. Awm +sure awm fain +tha's com'd, for aw wor gettin' reight looansum, for my felly an booath +oth lads have gooan to th' taan, an they'll nooan be back afoor neet. +But what is it 'at's made thee turn aght ov a day like this?"</p> + +<p>"Tha may weel ax, but aw hardly dar tell thee Nanny, for aw +knaw varry +weel 'at them 'at goa a borrowin' goa a sorrowin', an to mak a long +stooary short, awve come to see if tha can leean me ten shillin' wol +awr +Harriet Ann's next draw day, for awm behund hand wi mi rent, an tha +knows what sooart ov a chap awr landlord is, for although we've lived +i' +yond haase aboon twenty year, he'd think noa moor abaat puttin' th' +bums +in, if we were an haar behund wi th' rent, nor he wod o' spittin' aght."</p> + +<p>"Why, Jenny, tha knows hah awm fixed, Aw've nooan too mich to +stir on, +for yond lads' bellies tak moor fillin' nor onnybody'd believe, an' +that +felly o' mine smooks moor bacca nor aw do believe ud fill a seck. He's +nivver th' pipe aght ov his maath nobbut when he's aitin or else +asleep, +an not allus then, an as times is it's ommost a wonder to see a +shillin' +or two, an' aw've nivver had a new cap sin last Mikelmas, an ther's noa +signs 'at aw see on, for awr Alick's naggin' at me ivvery day for a new +this or a new that, wol mi life's a looad to me; but awl see what aw +can +do for thee, but goodness knaws awm poor enuff."</p> + +<p>Soa Nanny went to th' little corner cubbord, an after +clatterin' th' +cups an plates abaat, shoo managed to find ten shillin', an shoo +caanted +'em aght one bi one, an' then wi a sigh 'at wor ommost a sob, shoo sed, +"Thear it is, an aw hooap tha'll net forget to let me have it back as +sooin as tha can. But hah is it tha's managed to run short?"</p> + +<p>"A'a, lass! It's th' same old tale. It matters little what yo +do for a +child at this day, yo're niver onny better thowt on, and when they've +takken th' bit aght o' yer maath, they'd have yor teeth if they could +mak onny use on 'em. Aw think awr Harriet Ann 'll bring mi grey hairs +wi +sorrow to th' grave."</p> + +<p>"Why, awm capt to hear thee say soa abaat her, for aw allus +thowt 'at +yor Harriet Ann wor one oth nicest lasses awd iver met. But what's th' +matter? Shoo hasn't started o' gooin to th' doncin' classes or owt o' +that sooart, surelee?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, nowt o' that sooart; it's war nor that. Shoo's net to be +called a +ill en, but shoo's sich a fooil, an if shoo sets her mind o' owt +shoo'll +do it if shoo has to wade throo fire and watter. But it maks me fair +poorly to think on it, to say nowt abaat tellin' it."</p> + +<p>"Why, tak hold o' that teah pot an sup aght oth spaat, it'll +cheer thee +up a bit; for if there is owt 'at's heartsluftin, it is what mothers +have to put up wi throo undutiful bairns."</p> + +<p>"A'a, aw want noa teah, lass; awd mi braikfast just afoor aw +started +aght."</p> + +<p>"Thee taste o' that an tha'll find it'll do thee gooid."</p> + +<p>"Eea, an it is gooid too! That warms me reight daan to mi +tooas. Ther's +nivver nowt seems to settle my stummock like a drop o' gin an watter. +But whativer maks thee keep it ith teapot?"</p> + +<p>"Why, tha sees, it doesn't allus do to have a bottle an a +glass oth +table, for yo niver know who may pop in, an aw dooant like to set it +befoor th' childer for fear it mud tempt 'em to tak it befoor they've +getten sense to know hah to use it, an awm sewer aw should nivver think +o' lukkin t'side it wor on throo one year's end to another if it worn't +for theas pains i' mi inside, for it's phisick to me an noa mistak."</p> + +<p>"Aw can believe thee weel enuff, for ther's nowt seems to do +as weel for +me."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha hasn't tell'd me thi trubble yet, an awd like to +know, an may +be aw can help thee a bit, for two heeads is better nor one, if one is +nobbut—tha knows what."</p> + +<p>"Tha sees, awr Harriet Ann wor as gooid a lass as iver stept +till shoo +began o' coortin', an th' furst warnin' aw had wor th' last draw day, +for asteead o' givin' me two paand ten, shoo nobbut gave me thirty +shillin', an when aw axed her hah it wor shoo sed aw mud try an mak it +do, for shoo wanted to buy a two-o'-three bits o' things, for shoo'd +made up her mind to get wed. Tha could ha fell'd me wi a bean when shoo +sed that, for if ther wor owt i' this world 'at aw wor anxious abaat it +wor 'at shoo'd ha moor sense nor to get wed, soa aw axed her who it +wor, +but shoo nobbut laft an sed aw should varry likely know him when aw saw +him. Nah, tha knows, Nanny, it wor nivver my way to goa abaat pryin' +into other fowks' consarns, but aw couldn't do but ax one or two ov her +comrades an try to get to know who he wor, but all awve fun aght soa +far +is 'at he's a young gooid-fer-nowt, 'at nawther is owt nor nivver will +be, an he wants her for nowt i' this world but to work to keep him, wol +he spends his days drinkin' an dog feightin an pidgeon flyin', an' +after +all th' trouble 'at aw've been at to bring her up in a respectable way, +awm sewer it's enuff to braik th' heart ov a stooan. Shove that teah +pot +on here agean, for awm reight daan faint."</p> + +<p>"Sup lass, for aw can sympathise wi thee, an if it 'ad been a +paand +tha'd wanted to borra tha should ha had it. But tha hasn't all th' +trouble to thisen, for aw've getten a share as weel as thee. Awl tak a +drop o' that if tha'll hand th' teah pot this way. But mine's a deeal +war nor thine, for awr Alick (a better lad nivver wor born—aw +used to +say when he wor a babby 'at he'd nivver live, for when he wor varry +near +doubled up wi th' ballywark he'd ligg in his creddle an hardly mak a +muff) he's gooin to mak a fooil ov hissen an all, for he's pickt up +some +idle trolly, an he's savin' up his brass to ware it o' her, an he's +aght +two or three neets ith wick, an <i>if</i> aw ax him owt he +says, "Yo'll find +it aght in a bit," an if he doesn't find it aght it'll cap me, for his +fayther tell'd me 'at he saw him walkin' abaat last Horton Tide wi a +woman hook'd ov his arm, an what maks it war is aw've heeard at shoo's +nooan to gooid, an he's as simple as a cauf, an shoo can just twist him +raand her little finger. When aw wor puttin' his Sunday clooas away +last +wick aw fan a thimmel an a hairpin, an a mintdrop 'at had been hauf +suckt (an aw know awr Alick niver aits spice) in his britches pocket, +an +when he coom hooam he wor ommost ranty wol he knew what had come on +'em, +an when aw gave 'em him he lapt 'em up i' paper an lukt as suited as if +he'd fun a fortun."</p> + +<p>"Th' teah-pot's empty if it means owt, but aw wor just gooin +to say 'at +tha knows we can nivver put old heeads onto young shoolders, an awm +sooary to hear 'at yor Alick's noa moor wit, but still it isn't as bad +a +case as mine, for tha sees if a chap gets wed he's th' maister, but a +lass has to do as shoo can."</p> + +<p>"Nay, net it! It's th' wimmen 'at's th' maisters oth men, aw +know that +mysen. Whear wod that felly o' mine ha been if it hadn't been for me? +Why he'd ha been ith warkus long sin, if he hadn't been in his grave. +Try this, sithee, it's sweeter nor th' last."</p> + +<p>"Eea, it's sweeter, but it 'ud do wi a drop moor gin in it if +it's all +th' same to thee."</p> + +<p>"It is rayther waik, but as aw wor sayin', tha sees awr +Alick's allus +lived at hooam, an he's nivver known what it's been to want for owt, +even to his booits bein' blackened for Sunday, an if he gets hold o' +that nasty powse (for shoo's nowt else who shoo is), whativver mun come +on him."</p> + +<p>"Eea, an whativer mun come o' awr Harriet Ann? Did ta put owt +into th' +teah-pot, Nanny?"</p> + +<p>"Aw filled it nobbut a minnit sin, an if it's empty tha must +ha supt +it."</p> + +<p>"Nay, awve nobbut tasted abaat twice. Happen it runs."</p> + +<p>"Awm sure it runs, but it's aght oth spaat. Put it aght oth +seet. Ther's +awr Alick comin' up th' gate, an yor Harriet Ann follerin' him. It's +reight fair wearisome. If a body gets set daan for a bit ov a talk +ther's sure somebdy to come. What's browt yo two here at this time aw +should like to know?" "Whear's ta left thi fayther, Alick?"</p> + +<p>"He's gooan to luk at some pigs aw believe. He said he'd be +hooam i' +gooid time, an yo hadn't to get him onny drinkin' ready, for he'd have +some o' that cold broth."</p> + +<p>"Then he's baan drinkin'! Aw know as weel as can be, for he +allus taks +some wrang-heeaded noation when he's baan to get a bellyful o' ale. +A'a! +It caps me what fowk can see i' gooin an makkin a swill tub o' ther +guts! If aw mud ha my mind ther shouldn't be a drop for onybody unless +they wor poorly! But whear's ta been, Harriet Ann? Aw thowt tha wor at +thi wark?"</p> + +<p>"Shoo wod ha been but for me," sed Alick; "but aw chonced to +meet her, +an as we'd a bit o' bizness we gate that done, an then we went on to +Jenny's, but th' door wor lockt, soa aw sed varry likely shoo'd be up +here, an it seems aw wor abaat reight, an aw persuaded Harriet Ann to +come up wi me, for it isn't fit weather for noa Christian to be aght +in."</p> + +<p>"Come on an sit thee daan, Alick. Awm sooary to hear sich a +bad accaant +on thee, but tha art better nor awr Harriet Ann, for shoo knows awm +behund wi mi rent, an shoo couldn't do but waste another day."</p> + +<p>"Dooant yo bother yersen, Jenny, we've just com'd to keep yo +company a +bit. Aw say, mother! dooant yo think yo've a drop o' summat short, 'at +yo could mak Harriet Ann a sup to keep her throo catchin' cowld?"</p> + +<p>"Tha knows ther's nowt 'short' i' this haase nobbut a drop o' +gin 'at's +kept o' purpose for thi fayther when he's th' backwark, but as it's +Harriet Ann awl mak her a little drop."</p> + +<p>"A'a, aw cannot sup all that, Nanny, aw nobbut want a +tooithful," sed +Harriet.</p> + +<p>"Ther's happen somdy else wants th' cold keepin' aght as weel +as thee," +sed Jenny.</p> + +<p>"Awve been hearin' some sad tales abaat thee Harriet Ann," sed +Nanny. +"Awve allus thowt as mich o' thee as if tha wor one o' mi own, an' thi +mother's been tellin' me abaat some sad gooins on; but aw hooap 'at +tha'll allus remember 'at tha's coine ov a daycent stock, an awm sewer +yon gooid-for-nowt 'at's allus hankerin' after thee meeans thee noa +gooid. Bi all aw can hear he's a low-lived offal'd scamp, an' if tha +gets wed to him tha'll have to sup sorrow bi spooinsful."</p> + +<p>"Dooant keep that gin all to thisen. Basta noa manners?" sed +Jenny.</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know what yo're tawkin abaat," sed Harriet.</p> + +<p>"Yi tha does; aw meean that chap 'at's reckonin' to cooart +thee! When aw +wor thy age awd moor sense nor to believe ivvery lyin' lumpheead 'at +coom i' mi way, but lasses dooant seem to care who get's 'em nah. If +it's owt ith shape ov a felly it'll do."</p> + +<p>"Why, awm sewer yo must be mistakken, Nanny, for ther's nubdy +cooartin' +me."</p> + +<p>"Nah it's noa gooid denyin' it 'coss awr Alick's here, for +yo're both +ith same box! He's as big a fooil as thee! Net 'at awve owt ageean him +gettin' wed, net aw! Aw shall be rare an' glad to be shut on him, but +aw +did think he'd have gumshun enuff to luk aght for somdy 'at wodn't +disgrace booath him an' all 'at belangs to him. But he Wor allus a +strackle brain, an' he will be till he's bowt his wit, an' it'll be +varry weel for him if he doesn't buy it too dear. But if he does wed a +trolly like her, he mun keep her, an' aw hooap he'll nivver let me see +her, that's all; for shoo shall nivver enter my door nor have a bite +nor +a sup in a haase o' mine! Here, Harriet Ann, lass, taste o' this for +awm +Sure tha luks as if tha'd do wi' summat."</p> + +<p>"Aw dooant know what yo meean, mother," said Alick, "for awm +sewer my +cooartin days is ovver."</p> + +<p>"If aw thowt they wor aw should be th' happiest woman under +th' sun, but +tha must ha dropt it varry suddenly."</p> + +<p>"Well, it's true, an awl promise yo 'at awl nivver start agean +till +ther's a death ith family."</p> + +<p>"What wor aw tellin' thee, Jenny, before he come in? Isn't he +a gooid +lad thinks ta? He'll nivver get wed wol his old mother's alive, he's +too +mich sense."</p> + +<p>"He's a lad to be praad on, Nanny; aw wish awr Harriet Ann +could say +like him."</p> + +<p>"Awl promise yo 'at awl nivver cooart agean whether ther's a +deeath ith +family or net."</p> + +<p>"You've booath turned varry gooid all ov a sudden, aw should +like to +know what it all meeans?"</p> + +<p>"It means nowt, mother, nobbut this-'at Harriet Ann an me +thowt we could +be varry comfortable together, an soa we've getten wed this mornin'."</p> + +<p>"Yo desarve to be horsewipt! Awm in a gooid mind to thresh +thee Alick as +long as aw can bide to stand ovver thee! Had ta noa more sense nor' to +throw thisen away after a thing like Harriet Ann."</p> + +<p>"Does ta meean ta tell me 'at tha'd noa more respect for +thisen nor to +wed a haufthick like Alick. A'a, Harriet Ann, what wod thi fayther ha +sed if he'd been here?"</p> + +<p>"Awr Alick's noa fooil Jenny I dooant thee say that. Yor +Harriet Ann +knew what shoo wor dooin."</p> + +<p>"Awr Harriet Ann's as gooid as yor Alick!"</p> + +<p>"Well, awr Alick's as gooid as yor Harriet Ann!"</p> + +<p>"Noa daat we're one as gooid as t'other, an as we're satisfied +aw think +yo owt to be, an' here's yor varry gooid health," sed Alick, seizin +hold +oth teah-pot to sup.</p> + +<p>"Put that daan! Tha doesn't want onny teah!" sed Nanny.</p> + +<p>"It's geoid teah is this; aw've monny a time ta'en a gooid +swig aght o' +that teah-pot before to-day."</p> + +<p>"O, soa that's where thi fayther's physic go as is it. Tha's +allus been +a bad lad Alick, an' awve had to put up wi' thee, but dooant say owt +abaat th' teah-pot to thi fayther."</p> + +<p>"It's ommost time mi fayther wor here, isn't it?"</p> + +<p>"Well, aw dooant know ha yo can fashion to luk him ith face +when he does +come, but it's done nah, so we shall have to mak th' best on it, but +awst niver forgie Harriet Ann for deceivin' me. Here's thi fayther! Nah +for it! Aw wish aw wor a thaasand mile away throo here this minit."</p> + +<p>"Hallo! Are yo havin' a teah-drinkin'. What's to do, Jenny?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, yo mun ax yor Nanny."</p> + +<p>"What's up, Nanny lass?"</p> + +<p>"Can't ta see what's up? Tha must be blind aw think or else +druffen! Aw +could see what wor to do as sooin as aw dapt mi een on 'em! Awr Alick +an' Harriet Ann's gooan an getten wed, that's what's to do!"</p> + +<p>"Why, an' a gradely pair they mak! Aw nivver thowt tha wor +hawf sich a +judge ov a lass as tha's proved thisen. Aw allus sed aw thowt Harriet +Ann wor th' bonniest lass i' Yorksher. Awm soa suited wol awd ommost +forgetten awd th' backwark. Is there a drop o' gin i' that bottle, +Nanny?"</p> + +<p>"Tha gets a deal more gin than does thee onny gooid, an aw +think that +backwark is oft an excuse."</p> + +<p>"Dooant lets have onny grumlin' o'th' weddin' day, for Alick's +suited me +to nowt, an awm sewer shoo's th' lass awve heeard thee say tha could +like him to have."</p> + +<p>"Awve nowt agean th' match 'at aw know on, nobbut they should +ha been +content to wait a year or two. They're both on 'em sadly to young."</p> + +<p>"Why, thee an' me started when we wor monny a year younger nor +them. Awr +Alick wor born before tha wor as old as Harriet Ann. Awve wondered +monny +a time if Alick wor iver baan to start.'</p> + +<p>"Has ta noa moor sense nor to talk like that afoor bits o' +childer. If +shoo's as mich bother wi' him as awve had wi' thee, shoo'l wish shoo'd +nivver set een on him."</p> + +<p>"But whear do yo meean to live? Yo'll want a haase somewhear."</p> + +<p>"We've takken yond little cottage 'at yo can see o'th' +hill-side yonder, +an' we've getten a bit o' furniture into it for a start."</p> + +<p>"Why, that's the varry haase aw allus sed aw should like to +live in if +ivver awd to flit," sed Jenny.</p> + +<p>"Well, yo can come as sooin as yo like an' keep for Harriet +Ann company, +an' if yo'll nobbut behave yorsen awl buy yo a teah-pot like that o' mi +mother's, an' yo can have it oth hob end throo morn to neet."</p> + +<p>"That's reight enuff Alick, but aw should ha been better +satisfied if—</p> + +<p>"That's what aw say Jenny, aw should ha been better satisfied +if—</p> + +<p>"Caar ye daan, an' let th' young ens alooan, for for like all +old +wimmen, for hard to pleeas."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Ratcatchin" id="Ratcatchin"></a>Ratcatchin'.</h2> + +<p>Ther's roguery i' ivvery trade but awrs, awve' heeard fowk +say, an +"ivverybody's honest till they're fun aght." That white hen at' nivver +lays away hasn't been hatched yet. It taks all sooarts to mak a world +an +aw suppooas if they wornt ratcatchers ther'd be summat short. Sam +Sniffle wor a karacter in his way, he seemed to have a bit ov a +smatterin' o' iverything, but what he professed to know th' mooast +abaat +wor dogs an rats. Noa daat he had a bit o' knowledge, but what wor far +more sarviceable to him nor owt else wor a simple luk 'at he could put +on, an' a bit ov a lisp 'at he had, made him seem soa harmless an +simple +'at yo wodn't believe it possible for him to do owt wrang. He worn't +varry big, but he wor varry wiry, an as full o' pluck as a gamcock.</p> + +<p>Aw remember one neet as he wor gooin hooam (net becoss he +thowt it wor +time, but becoss his brass wor done), he happened to hear a bobby +comin' +as he turned th' street corner. It wor varry dark, soa he just stept +back an waited for him comin', an as sooin as his heead popt past th' +corner, he gave him what he called a cauf-knock an sent him sprawlin' +his whoal length ith middle oth rooad. He wor hardly daan befoor Sam +ran +to help him up. "A'a! whativver's to do mister poleeceman?" he sed. +"Are +yo hurt? Do tell me," an he helpt him up an began to wipe th' muck off +his clooas wi' his pocket hankerchy. Th' poleeceman turned his +bull's-eye onto his face, but nubdy could suspect Sam. "Did ta see it +done?" he axd. "Eea, aw saw it as fair as could be. It's a burnin' +shame +'at sich like fowk cannot be stransported! it is act'ly. Awm sewer aw +could ommost roar mi een up when aw see onnybody ill used like that." +"Does ta think tha'd know him if tha'd to see him agean?" axd th' +bobby. +"Awm sewer aw' could, an' th' furst time he passes me awl bring him up +to th' poleece office if aw have to wheel him in a barro." "Well, +here's +a shillin' for helpin' me up, an be sewer an keep thi een oppen." "Nay, +nay, keep yor brass," sed Sam, "awm naoan one a' that sooart 'at wants +payin' for dooin a kindness 'at costs me nowt, but awl tak it, tho' +awst +nivver have th' heart to spend it, but awm mich obleeged to yo, an aw +wish yo gooid neet, an hooap yo'll meet wi noa moor misfortunes." "Aw +hooap net, an' if they wor all like thee th' poleece ud have a easy +time +on it." "Why, maister, if they wor all like me ther wodn't be onny +poleece, for aw havn't a heart i' mi belly big enuff for sich a job." +Sam left him, an th' furst public haase he coome to he went in an had a +rare spree wi' th' shillin', but when he coom aght, if onnybody'd met +him they'd ha been just as likely to think he'd been to a teetotal +meetin' an' signed th' pledge.</p> + +<p>But if yo'd wanted to see him when he put on his varry simple +smile, yo +should ha seen him when a lady browt him a pet dog 'at wor poorly. He +wor noated far an wide as a dog doctor, an ladies used to come throo +all +pairts wi ther pet's to ax Sam's advice. Hahivver ugly a little brute +chonced to be brawt, Sam had his nomony ready. "A'a, that is a little +beauty, mum, aw havn't seen one like that, mum, aw can't say when, mum. +Aw dooant think yo'd like to pairt wi' it mum?"</p> + +<p>"Oh, no! I would not part with it for its weight in gold I +It's such a +faithful little dear!"</p> + +<p>"Awm sewer on it, mum, yo can see it in it. It's the varry +picture o' +faithfulishness. If yo leeav it wi' me it'll be weel takken care on, +mum. An what name might yo call it, mum?"</p> + +<p>"We call it Lion."</p> + +<p>"That's just th' name for a little pet like this, it is fer +sewer."</p> + +<p>"What do you think is the matter with the little darling?"</p> + +<p>Then Sam ud tak it in his hands, an after strokin' it an +smellin' at its +breath, he'd give it a nip 'at ud mak it yelp aght ten thaasand +murders, +then he'd shake his heead an say, "Aw thowt what wor th' matter as +sooin +as aw saw it, mum; yo see it's soa varry tender it can hardly bide +touchin'. It's sufferin wi' enflimashun ov its liver. It's a strange +thing, but it's a disease 'at's gooin abaat amang dogs just at present. +Ther's monny a scoor dee ivvery wick, for yo see ther's net monny 'at +know hah to doctor 'em for it. It's a pratty little thing. It'll have +to +have some castor hoil an a paather, mum. Aw think aw can cure it in a +wick, mum."</p> + +<p>"Well, then, I must leave it with you, and be sure to treat +the little +thing kindly."</p> + +<p>"Kindly! Why, mum, awd give it th' bit aght o' mi maath. It +owt to have +some warm milk an a paather th' furst thing, but aw dooant happen to +have onny ith haase, an my lad willn't be hooam befoor dark, an it's +been awr rent day to-day, but as sooin: as ivver he comes wi his wage +awl get it some, tho' it's a pity, poor thing, 'at it connot have it +nah, but yo see aw didn't know 'at it wor comin'."</p> + +<p>After this speech he wor sewer to get a shillin', an sometimes +hauf-a-craan, an as he nivver reckoned owt off his doctor's bill, he +called that "extra bunce."</p> + +<p>As sooin as shoo'd getten nicely aght oth gate he'd give it a +claat oth +side oth heead, to let it know at th' beginnin' what it might expect if +it didn't behave, an then he'd tak it into th' cellar an tee some band +raand it neck an festen it to th' wall, an throw it a bit o' strea to +lig on, an after chuckin' it a crust o' breead an' givin' it some +watter, he'd leeav it tellin' it 'at as sooin as it had browt its +stummack daan to that it ud noa daat feel better. It ud be pratty sewer +to freat a bit but Sam ud tak noa noatice wol th' next day, an when he +went to luk at it, if he fan th' breead an waiter untouched he'd leeav +it agean. Abaht th' third day he says they generally begin to nibble a +bit, an as sooin as he saw that he used to give 'em a bit o' sop or +summat, but he took gooid care net to give 'em too mich. Bi th' end oth +wick they wor cured, an' he used to wesh 'em an cooam 'em, an tee a bit +a blue ribbon raand ther neck, an' tak 'em hooam, an' when ther +mistresses saw 'em jumpin' an' caperin' abaat, an ommost fit to ait th' +fire iron's, they paid him what he charged withaat a word, an gave him +credit for being th' best dog doctor ith country.</p> + +<p>He made a gooid deal o' brass i' that way, but that didn't pay +him as +weel as ratcatchin'. Ther wor nivver onnybody could equal Sam at catch +in' a rat, for he wor nivver known to fail. At all th' big haases ith +district he wor as weel known! as th' pooastman. He's gien up th' trade +nah, or else aw wodn't let yo into th' saycret. This is th' way he used +to do. Th' cooachman or th' buttler throo Some hall wod come to tell +Sam +'at he wor wanted as sooin as ivver he could spare time, to goa up to +th' hall to catch a rat 'at one oth sarvents had seen ith pantry, for +they wor all soa freetened 'at they darn't goa in.</p> + +<p>Sam wod promise to be up directly, an he'd put a net into his +coit +pocket, an a two-o-three breead crumbs in a bit o' paper, an a rat, +ommost as big as a kittlin, but withaat a tooith in its heead, into his +inside brast pocket, an then he'd set off. When he gate thear all th' +sarvent lasses ud cluther raand him an tell him whear th' rat had been +seen an all particulars. "Well, they're a nasty thing to have abaat a +haase, an a varry dangerous thing; but awl do mi best to catch it if +yo'll give me a sup o' ale if yo have it, an if net, pooarter'll do. Aw +want it to mix up summat to tice it aght." They seldom browt less nor a +quairt, an after takkin abaat a thimbleful to mix up his breead crumbs, +he swallow'd t'other for fear on it bein wasted. Then he'd tak a cannel +an goa to whear th' rat had been last seen, an all th' lasses followin +at a distance. After puttin his bait on th' floor an th' cannel ith far +corner, he'd begin chirpin an huntin under th' barrels an all abaat to +see if ther wor a rat, but as he seldom fan one, when he thowt he'd +carried it on long enuff, he'd set up a gurt shaat, "It's here! it's +here!" an pawse th' cannel ovver with his fooit, an as they couldn't +tell where it might be they all flew off skrikin, leavin' Sam to +quietly +pool his "owd forrester," as he called him, aght ov his pocket an lap +it +up ith net an come aght holdin' it at arms' length. Then away went th' +haasekeeper to tell th' mistress, an th' mistress to tell th' maister, +an in a varry few minits ivverybody abaat th' place wor ith kitchen, +standin in a ring wi Sam an th' rat ith middle. Sam wor a hero just +then, but to luk at his face yo'd fancy he hadn't sense enuff to know +it. Ov coorse ther wor nowt to gooid for Sam after that, an he'd allus +as mich to ait an drink as he could tuck into him an a hauf-a-craan +beside. Aw dooant know hah monny times he catched that rat, but aw do +know 'at he catched it three times i' one haase, an he tell'd me he +made +as mich brass on it as monnya chap could mak wi a horse an cart. He'd a +deeal more queer tricks, but as he gate older he gave it up, for he +said +it wor all vanity; an as he wanted to settle daan an leead a quiet +life, +he tuk a beershop, an nah he amuses hiss en an his customers wi sittin' +at th' end oth langsettle an tellin' his experience, an if one hawf o' +what he says is true, when he dees he owt to be put under a glass shade +an stuck ith Halifax museum.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Owd_Moorcock" id="Owd_Moorcock"></a>Owd +Moorcock.</h2> + +<p>It's monny a long year sin what awm gooin to tell tuk place, +but aw +remember it as weel as if it wor yesterday. He wor a queer sooart ov a +chap, wor owd Drake, an although some laft at him, an considered him an +oddity, ther wor a gooid deeal moor 'at believed him to be a born +genius. He wor a cobbler bi trade, an a varry gooid cobbler too, tho' +he'd nivver sarved his time to it; an altho' he'd had two or three +gooid +chonces o' startin' business ith' taan, yet he allus shook his heead, +an +sed he'd rayther goa on as he wor a bit longer. Th' fact wor he loved +his liberty, an he'd getten a noashun 'at if he left his little hooam +i' +th' country, he'd leeav his freedom wi it. An it's hardly to be +wondered +at, for his snug cot lukt th' pictur' o' comfort. It wor a one-stooary +buildin' wi a straw thack, an all th' walls wor covered wi honeysuckle +an' jessamine, an th' windows could hardly be seen for th' green leaves +'at hung as a veil i' th' front on 'em. Stooan-crop an haaseleek had +takken up a hooam i' th' gutter, an th' chimley wor ommost hid wi ivy. +It wor a queer-shaped place altogether—all nucks an +corners—But it +wor just what suited David. They called him David Drake, tho' he wor +known best as Owd Moorcock. I' th' front wor a nice bit o' garden, +allus +kept trim, an seldom withaat a show o' bloom o' one sooart or another; +an away to one side wor what he called his farm—a bit o' land +abaat ten +yards wide, an twenty long—whear he grew his cabbages an +puttates an +sich like; an all araand for miles wor moorland covered wi heather, an +stockt wi game, except at th' back ov his cot, whear a bluff-lukkin +hill +sprang ommost straight up, makkin' a stranger feel afeeard lest it +should tak a fancy to topple over an' bury booath th' cot an all in it. +But if th' aghtside wor curious, th' inside wor a deal moor soa; an it +wornt to be wondered at if a gooid monny fowk paid David a visit when +they'd hauf a day to spare. He'd a wife—geniuses generally +manage to +get a wife if they get nowt else, an it isn't allus 'at they mak th' +wisest choice; but David mud ha done war, for Dolly-o'-Dick's-o'-th'- +Dike, as shoo wor called, wor as queer a customer as her husband, an if +we're to believe what shoo says, if it hadn't ha been for her, Dave wod +ha been a poor lost craytur. Shoo didn't appreciate his genius that's +true, but wives as a rule niver do; but shoo let him have his own way, +an sometimes, when her wark wor done, shoo'd even help him wi some of +his fooilery. Aw'd heeard a gooid deal abaat 'em, soa one day aw +detarmined aw'd pay 'em a visit, soa, after gettin' off at th' Copley +Station, aw started to climb a rough, steep loin, moor like th' bed of +a +beck nor owt else, but trees o' awther side hung over wol they met at +th' top, an made a cooil shade 'at wor varry welcome, for aw wor ommost +sweltered. After a long scramel aw fan misen o Norland +Moor—an it wor a +seet worth tewing for, for th' heather wor i' bloom, an it lukt as if a +purple carpet had been laid for th' buzzards an bees to frolic on; an +ther wor sich a hum raand wol it saanded as if they wor playin' bass to +th' skylarks 'at wor warblin' up aboon. Aw struck aght in as straight a +line as aw could for David's, an havin come to th' garden gate, aw +stopt +a minnit to admire th' flaars 'at covered th' graand an th' walls, an +even stretched far onto th' thack. Aw hadn't stood long when a voice +claise to my ear sed—</p> + +<p>"Might yo be lukkin' for somdy?"</p> + +<p>"Are yo Mistress Drake?" aw axed.</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw believe aw am; but what might yo be wantin'? If yo've +owt to +sell yo've comed to th' wrang shop, for brass is varry scarce here?"</p> + +<p>"Aw've nobbut comed to see yor maister," aw sed; "is he in?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, he isn't, an aw dooant know whear yo'll find him, for +aw've niver +met him yet; but if it's awr Dave yo meean, he's inside, soa yo can +walk +forrad, an if it's onny shoes yo want mendin', aw can see to that as +weel as him, for he's reckonin' to be thrang this afternoon?"</p> + +<p>"Aw've nobbut come to have a bit o' tawk," aw sed.</p> + +<p>"Oh, if that's all yo can come in; there's a deeal moor fowk +come to +tawk to him nor what brings him any wark; but it's happen as weel, for +if it worn't for me bein' allus naggin' at him, he'd nivver get done +th' +bit he does; an as it is, he's hammerin' away when he owt to be i' bed, +an' keepin' ivverybody else wakken; but aw've tried to taich him sense +wol aw'm fair stall'd, soa he mun goa his own gate an tak th' +consequences. Come yor ways; we's find him i' th' far raam makkin marks +an' spoilin' cleean paper."</p> + +<p>We went up a narrow passage, an as th' door wor oppen aw'd a +gooid luk +at David an his raam befoor he saw me. It wor a varry little place, wi +a +varry little winder, an hardly heigh enuff for a chap to stand up in, +and all th' walls wor covered wi picturs, an he wor set cloise to th' +winder hard at wark at another. He wor a short, fat +gooid-tempered-lukkin chap, wi a bald heead an just a bit o' white hair +hingin' daan like a fringe all raand, an his cheeks wor as red as a +ripe +apple, an his hands, brooad an braan, show'd they'd had to face booath +wark an weather. As Dolly went in he lukt up an saw me.</p> + +<p>"Come in," he sed, "come in do, it's varry whut, sit yo daan. +Whativer +browt ye up here to-day? Why, yo'll be ommost melted. Can yo sup some +buttermilk?" An he filled a glass 'at stood o' th' table, an handed it +to me. Aw swollered it, an then aw sed, "Aw thowt as aw'd a bit o' +spare +time awd just come up an mak yor acquaintance, for awve heeard a gooid +deeal abaat yo, an happen yo'll nooan think onny war o' me for comin' +bi +misel'."</p> + +<p>"Tha's done reight to come, lad; aw'm allus glad to see +anybody pop in. +Aw wor just thrang makkin marks, as awr Dolly calls it, but, as awd +nivver onybody to taich me, awm feeared aw havn't getten th' reight way +o' gooin abaat it yet. Yo see all theeas picturs? Well, yo'll not think +mich on 'em, but sich as they are, they please me, an they niver ait +owt."</p> + +<p>"An what are ta shappin at nah?" sed Dolly.</p> + +<p>"This is to be th' erupshun o' Maant Vesuvius."</p> + +<p>"Why, what is it eruptin' for?" sed Dolly. "Aw guess it's like +thee, +it's nowt better to do? Is that th' reason tha's put so mich brimston' +colour abaat it? Ther's nowt better nor brimston' an traitle for curin' +erupshuns."</p> + +<p>"Dolly, aw've tell'd thee for aboon twenty year 'at tha's noa +taste +nobbut for summut to ait, an yond lad tak's after thee. Aw'd allus a +fancy for my lad to be an artist," he sed, turnin' to me, "but he seems +to care moor abaat hawkin' bits o' garden stuff; but then we am't all +born alike, an aw made up mi mind nivver to try to foorce him to owt +'at +he'd noa hankerin' after, for if aw'd had two trades to pick aght on, +an +one on 'em had been cobblin, awst ha takken t'other whativver it had +been; but aw could ha liked mi lad to ha been summut better, for aw +gave +him a gooid name when he wor kursened; but yo cannot order theeas +things +as yo wod."</p> + +<p>"Noa; an it's a gooid job yo cannot, for aw've quite enuff to +put up wi +to have thee messin' abaat as tha does; but aw know varry weel that lad +wod ha been a painter if tha'd had patience to taich him. But whear's +that pictur' he did paint? Tha'rt fond enuff o' shewin' thi own wark; +let's luk at somdy's else."</p> + +<p>"He nivver tried his hand but once, an it wor this," he sed, +as he' +pooled one aght o' th' corner, "an when he showed it me aw'd to luk at +it for a long time befoor aw could tell what to mak on it, but at last +aw decided it wor a camel; but he wor soa mad 'at he sed he'd nivver +paint another so long as he lived, for it wor a drake. Soa, to prevent +onybody else makkin sich another mistak, aw've written on th' bottom' +This is a drake."</p> + +<p>"Tha can say what tha likes, David, but hawf a bad en, an if +yo can +nobbut catch leets, aw'm sewer ther's monny a thing less like a drake +nor that. Dooant yo think soa?" shoo sed, turnin' to me.</p> + +<p>Aw sed aw thowt soa, too: an then David axed me to goa into +his study, +"For yo mun know," he sed, "aw've a study, an a studio, an a museum, an +a wild beast show i, this haase, as little as it is."</p> + +<p>He led the way into another raam abaat as big as that we'd +left, an +showed me a row o' shelves filled wi books, an a little table covered +wi +papers; an aw tell'd him aw thowt he wor quite a literary sooart ov a +chap.</p> + +<p>"Why," he sed, "aw've allus been fond o' readin' sin aw wor a +bit ov a +lad, an sometimes aw string a line or two together 'at jingles varry +nicely, an two or three times aw've had some printed i'th' papers. Mun, +it's varry nice to be able to sit daan an eease yor mind wi writin' a +bit, even if nubdy reads it. That lad o' mine cares nowt abaat it; aw +wish he did, for aw believe if he'd takken to study he'd ha been a +wonder, for he's a rare heead—it tak's a hat ommost as big as +a +coil-skep to fit it. Aw gate him to try one time, an he wor a whole day +i' gettin' theeas four lines, aw allus keep 'em by me, for aw know +he'll +nivver write ony moor.":—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Aw once wor lost on +Norland Moor,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">An' if aw'd ne'er been +fun,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Mooast likely aw'st a +been thear yet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3.5em;">An nah mi tale is done.'</span><br> + +<p>"Tha'rt varry fond o' runnin daan them 'at belangs to thee," +sed Dolly, +"an to hear thee tawk fowk ud think he could nivver do owt reight; but +if that isn't poetry, aw should like to know what is, for awm sewer +ther's a deeal more common sense in it nor ther is i' lots o' thine. +But +thear he is gooin past th' winder, an he knows ther isn't a drop o' +watter i' th' haase, an aw can't bide to fotch ony. If he's like his +fayther i' nowt else he is i' leavin' ivverything for me to do; but +aw'll let him see different!" an throwing th' winder oppen, shoo yell'd +aght, "Rubensrembrandtvandyke Drake! Tha'll come in this minit, or else +aw'll warm thee!" An away shoo flew aght.</p> + +<p>"Whativver made yo call him sich a name as that?" aw axed.</p> + +<p>"Why, aw'd a fancy he'd be a cliver chap if he lived, an soa +aw gave him +a cliver name; but if aw had it to do nah, aw think summat less wad ha +to fit him. But let's have a luk at th' museum."</p> + +<p>"Aw should like to hear one o' yor pieces," aw sed, "if yo'd +be soa +gooid as to reead one."</p> + +<p>If that'll suit thee, aw'll reead one, an welcome. Ther's one +here 'at +aw wor felterin' mi brain wi' last neet:</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Aw'm havin' a smook bi +misel',</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Net a soul here to spaik a +word to,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw've noa gossip to hear +nor to tell,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An ther's nowt I feel +anxious to do.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw've noa noashun o' +writin' a line,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Tho' aw've jist dipt mi +pen into th' ink,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Towards wor kin aw don't +mich incline,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An aw'm ommost to lazy to +think.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw've noa riches to mak +me feel vain,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An yet aw've as mich as aw +need;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw've noa sickness to +cause me a pain,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An noa troubles to mak mi +heart bleed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Awr Dolly's crept off to +her bed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An aw hear shoo's +beginnin' to snoor;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">(That upset me when +furst we wor wed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But nah it disturbs me noa +moor.)</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Like me, shoo taks +things as they come,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Makkin th' best o' what +falls to her lot,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Shoo's content wi her +own humble hooam,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For her world's i' this +snug little cot.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We know 'at we're both +growin' old,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But Time's traces we +hardly can see;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An tho' fifty years o'er +us have roll'd,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Shoo's still th same young +Dolly to me.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Her face may be wrinkled +an grey,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An her een may be losin' +ther shine,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But her heart's just as +leetsum to-day</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As it wor when aw first +made her mine.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw've mi hobbies to keep +mi i' toit,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Aw've noa whistle nor bell +to obey,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw've mi wark when aw +like to goa to it,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An mi time's all mi own, +neet an day.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An tho' some pass mi by +wi a sneer,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An some pity mi lowly +estate,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw think aw've a +deealless to fear</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Nor them 'at's soa wealthy +an great.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When th' sky stretches +aght blue an breet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An th' heather's i' +blossom all raand,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Makkin th' mornin's +cooi! breezes smell sweet,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As they rustle along ovver +th' graand.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When aw listen to th' +lark as he sings</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Far aboon, ommost lost to +mi view,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw lang for a pair ov +his wings,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To fly wi him, an sing +like him, too.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When aw sit under th' +shade ov a tree,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Wi mi book, or mi pipe, or +mi pen,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw think them 'at's +sooary for me</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Had far better pitty +thersen.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When wintry storms howl +ovver th' moor,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An snow covers all, far an +wide,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw carefully festen mi +door,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An creep claise up to th' +fire inside.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A basin o' porridge may +be,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To some a despisable dish,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But it allus comes +welcome to me,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">If aw've nobbut as mich as +aw wish</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Mi cloas are +old-fashioned, they say,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An aw havn't a daat but +it's true;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yet they answer ther +purpose to-day</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Just as weel as if th' +fashion wor new.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Let them 'at think joys +nobbut dwell</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Wheear riches are piled up +i' stoor,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Try to get a gooid share +for thersel',</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But leave me mi snug cot +up o' th' moor</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Mi 'bacca's all done, +soa aw'll creep</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Off to bed, just as quiet +as a maase</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For if Dolly's disturbed +ov her sleep,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Ther'n be a fine racket i' +th' haase.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw mun keep th' band i' +th' nick if aw can,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For if shoo gets her +temper once crost,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All comforts an joys aw +may plan</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Is just soa mich labour +'at's lost.</span><br> + +<p>"Weel, aw call that a varry nice piece; an if yo're aullus soa +contented, yo must have a happy time on it."</p> + +<p>"Awm happy enuff as things goa, an aw dar say aw'm as +contented as th' +mooast; but it isn't allus safe to judge ov a chap bi what he writes, +for fowk often pen what they'd like things to be nor what they find 'em +to be."</p> + +<p>He led th' way into another raam 'at wor filled wi boxes full +o' +butterflies, an buzzards, an twitch clocks, an rare an praad he wor on +'em; an then he showed me what he called his wild beeasts, but they wor +tame enuff, for they wor nowt but catterpillers, but aw believe ther +wor +thaasands on 'em, all alive an feedin o' one sooart o' stuff or +another; +an he tell'd me they ait a barraload o' greens ivvery day. He said he +kept 'em till they come into butterflies, an then he cured 'em an sent +'em away to London an sometimes to Paris. Th' year befoor he sent +15,000 +to one man. "Soa, yo see, awm a butterfly merchant as weel as a +cobbler," he sed.</p> + +<p>As we wor lukkin at 'em Dolly coom up to tell us we'd better +goa to us +drinkin' if we wanted ony, for, as Rubensrembrantvandyke had started, +ther'd varry sooin be nooan left. We tuk her advice, an awm thankful to +say ther wor plenty for us all, an when we'd finished we went an sat +ith +garden, an David filled his pipe an sed if awd noa objections he'd tell +me hah it happened 'at he coom to live oth moor, an th' reason fowk +called him Owd Moorcock. Aw sed nowt could suit me better, soa he began.</p> + +<p>"Yo mun know," sed David, "'at befoor aw gate wed an coom to +live here, +aw lived in a little haase in a fold cloise to Halifax Parish +Church,—it isn't thear nah, for it's been pool'd daan to mak +way for +improvements o' differernt sooarts,—an awd an idea at that +time 'at aw +should like to live thear all mi life, an awd noa thowts aw should iver +get wed."</p> + +<p>"Its a pity tha ivver altered thi mind," said Dolly.</p> + +<p>"Well, happen soa,—but let me tell mi tale i' mi awn +way an it'll be +finished soa mich sooiner. One Setterdy aw donn'd misen up i' mi Sundy +clooas an went for a walk throo th' market, an when aw coom to th' +butter-cross aw saw a chap 'at had a cock an two hens in a basket for +sale, an he offered 'em to me for ten shillin'. 'Ten fiddlesticks!' aw +sed, 'awl gie thee five,' an he put on a luk as if awd stab'd him to +th' +heart, an begun tellin' me hah mich they'd cost him, an 'at he'd nivver +ha tried to sell 'em but he wor behund wi his rent, an wor foorced to +pairt wi 'em to keep th' bums aght, an he assured me they wor layin' +ivvery day. But th' fact wor, aw didn't want 'em at onny price, for +aw'd +noa place to put 'em, an aw tell'd him soa. 'Well,' he sed, 'gie me +three hawf craans an tha shall have 'em, for aw think tha'll luk weel +after 'em an aw wodn't like 'em to be ooined.' 'Nay,' aw sed, 'aw weant +gie aboon five shillin', for awm nooan i' want on 'em.' 'If tha weant, +tha weant,' he sed, soa that settles it, but awd rayther let th' bums +tak away nearly ivvery stick aght o'th' haase nor awd take a farden +less +nor seven shillin'; that's th' lowest aw ivver will tak, an if tha +doesn't buy'em at that price tha'll rue, for tha'll niver have sich a +chonce ageean.' 'Well, then, awst be like to rue,' aw sed, 'for aw +weant +gie thee a hawpny moor nor five shilin'.' 'Tha'rt a hard un,' he sed, +'but If tha'll promise me tha'll treat 'em weel, an at tha'll nivver +tell anybody what tha's gien for 'em, tha shall have 'em for six +shillin'; nah, tha cannot say noa to that. Two hens an' a cock! Why +it's +nobbut two shillin' a-piece, an they're as cheap as muck at hawf a +sovrin' aw think tha doesn't understand th' hen trade. Awm fair sham'd +to offer' em at sich a price, an awm sewer aw hardly dar goa hooam wi +th' brass." 'Nay,' aw sed, 'one word's just as gooid as a thaasand wi +me, an awl stick to what aw sed, an if yo like to tak five shillin' awl +buy' em, an if net yo can keep' em.' 'Tak' em wi thee,' he sed; soa aw +pottered aght five shillin', an he began bawlin' 'Sowld agean' an aw +had +'em under mi arms ommost afoor aw knew what aw wor dooin, an as aw wor +walkin' away he pool'd me to one side to luk at another basketful. +'Nah,' he sed, 'yo'd better buy theeas, yo can have 'em at th' same +price, an they're better nor them. Wod yo like a two-or-three ducks or +a +couple o' pigeons?' 'Aw want noa moor to-day,' aw sed, 'but awst like +to +know if all theeas belang to yo?' 'All tha sees i' this row belangs to +me,' he sed, 'an if tha wants onny tha'll finnd me here ivery Setterdy, +an awl sell thee owt aw have at thi own price,' 'Well aw should think +yo'll be able to keep th' bums off if yo sell all them,' aw sed, an aw +started for hooam, but somehah aw didn't feel just as weel suited wi mi +bargain as aw thowt aw should, an aw wor bothered aboon a bit wi +wonderin' whear to put 'em, for awd noa room for 'em nobbut ith cellar, +an that wor as dark as a booit, but, hahivver, aw thowt they'd be a bit +o' company for me, for aw wor oft varry looansome, an aw should be able +to have a fresh egg for mi braikfast whenivver aw liked. As sooin as aw +gate hooam aw lit a cannel an went into th' cellar, takkin care to shut +th' door after me, an then aw unteed ther legs an set 'em at liberty. +They worn't a varry prime lot, but aw didn't care for that, for it wor +th' eggs aw wanted. Th' cock gave hissen a shak, an set up sich a +cock-a-doodle-doo wol aw wor ommost deeafened—aw nivver +heeard sich a +voice i' mi life—if he'd been trained he'd ha been a rare +leeader for a +rorytory—an wol aw wor wonderin' if it ud be safe to leeav +'em as they +wor wol aw went to fotch 'em some screenins, one oth hens flew onto th' +shelf whear aw kept all mi jock an stuff. 'That'll niver do,' aw thowt, +soa aw went towards it to tak it off, when th' cock tried to foller, an +wafted th' cannel aght wi his wings an let fair at th' top o' my heead, +so aw grabbed at th' shelf to steady misen, when daan it coom wi all +th' +plates an pots, an sich a clatter an crash yo'd ha thowt th' haase had +tummeld. Th' milk wor all spilt, an th' breead an cheese wor rollin' +amang th' coils, an a bowl o' broth had emptied itsen onto th' front o' +mi clean shirt, an aw wor sylin weet throo mi neck to mi feet. Th' hens +wor chuckin' i' different corners, an th' cock started crowin' laader +bi +th' hawff, an aw tried mi best to groap mi way up th' steps into th' +haase. Aw managed at last, an if yo could ha seen me as' aw lukt just +then, yo'd ha believed aw should niver be able 'to get cleean agean. Mi +heead wor covered wi mail, an mi clooas wor sooaked wi broth an +ornamented wi bits o' chopt carrots, an turnips, an onion skins, an +hawf +a pund o' butter wor stickin' to one booit heel an pairt ov a suet +dumplin' to t'other, an as aw wor standin' wonderin' which end to begin +at to set things straight, a young woman 'at lived next door coom in to +ax me if awd been buyin' some hens, for shoo'd heeard th' cock crowin', +an when shoo saw me i' sich a pickle shoo held up her hands an skriked +as if awd getten mi throit cut. 'Whativver has ta been dooin?' shoo +sed. +'Tha'rt fair flaysum to luk at.', Shut th' door, Dorothy,' aw sed, 'an +come in an see if yo can help me aght o' this mess;' soa she put th' +door to, an aw tell'd her all hah it had happened. 'Why,' shoo sed, +'tha +mun tak all thi clooase off, for they'll have to goa into th' +tub-ther'll nowt ivver get that greeas off but bailin' watter an weshin +licker; goa upstairs an get 'em all off an fling 'em daan to me, an awl +see if aw can do owt wi 'em.' 'Awl pay yo whativver yo charge,' aw sed, +'an if aw dooant screw yond cock an hens' necks raand it'll be becoss +awve changed mi mind!' 'O tha'll manage weel enuff wi 'em after this,' +shoo sed, 'tha knows th' hen trade is like ivverything else, it wants +sombdy 'at understands it; but that cock's a rare voice; is it a young +un? Sithee, th' childer's standin' ith middle oth yard wonderin' wheal +th' noise comes throo.'</p> + +<p>Aw went up stairs an tuk off all mi clooas an threw' em daan +to +Dorothy, an a grand lot they lukt, an awd just pool'd on mi warty +britches when shoo called aght, 'David, David! I come this minnit! Th' +childer's oppend th' cellar winder an letten th' cock aght!' Daan +stairs +aw flew withaat stoppin' to festen mi gallowses or put mi booits on, an +as sooin as aw went aght th' lads set up a shaat an th' cock flew into +a +chamber winder at t'other side o' th' yard. Th' naybors all coom +runnin' +aght, an Dorothy foller'd me wi mi clooas tukt under her arm, an a +shirt +sleeve an a britches slop trailin' behund her. Aw ran into th' haase +after th' cock, an' withaat spaikin a word to Sam or his dowter, 'at +wor +just at ther dinner, aw baanced upstairs and shut th' winder to mak +sure +'at it couldn't get aght, an then aw called aght, 'It's nobbut me, Sam, +my new cock's flown into your window, an awve coom'd for it, wi ta help +me to catch it?' 'Why, has ta nobbut just getten aght o' bed? Aw think +it ud seem thee better to put thi clooas on befoor tha cooms runnin' +into a body's haase this fashion, scarin' ivverybbody aght o' ther +wits.'</p> + +<p>'Yo mun excuse me this time,' aw sed, 'its noa fault o' mine. +Come an +help me to catch this chap.' Soa they booath coom up, but that cock had +made up his mind net to be catched, an he'd peearkt up fair at top oth +bed heead, an he set up another crow wi as mich impudence as if he'd +been on his own middin. Sam made a grab at it, an it flew to th' +winder-bottom, upsettin two plant-pots, an we all made a rush for it, +but it slipt past an swept all th' chany ornaments off th' mantel-shelf +an made a dive at th' chimley, an away it went aght oth seet. Th' lass +skrikt wi all her might, an Sam shaated, an aw made as mich din as aw +could tryin' to keep 'em quiet, an th' cock screamed ith chimley wor +nor +a railway whistle. Bi this time ther wor a craad o' thirty or forty +fowk +aghtside, an they wor callin aght for th' police, for they seemed to +think ther wor one or two gettin' murdered at least, an things began to +luk serious. 'Tha'll have a bonny penny to pay for this,' sed Sam. 'Ha +can ta feshun? Just luk at all them ornaments brokken to bits, an th' +plants an stuff destroyed! Tak that cock aght oth chimley an get aght +o' +here as sharp as tha can, an nivver let me see thee nor owt belangin to +thee agean!' Aw sed nowt, for aw saw he wor riled, an aw didn't wonder +at it, soa aw put mi hand up th' flue, an aw could feel its legs, but +it +seemed to be wedged fast. 'It's here,' aw sed, 'but awm feeard aw can't +get it withaat hurtin' it.'</p> + +<p>'Ger aght oth gate,' he sed, 'aw care nowt abaat hurtin' it! +Awl stir +it, or else awl rive it's legs off!' an he shov'd his arm up, an daan +it +coom an browt all th' sooit wi it, an flapt it into us faces wol we wor +ommost smoored.</p> + +<p>Aw seized hoid oth burd an made th' best o' my way aghtside, +an as +sooin as aw showed mi face ther wor a reglar yell, an they all +squandered to let me pass. Th' chaps had getten pooakers an tangs, an +th' wimmen wor armed wi umbrellas an tooastin forks, an then aw turned +raand an axed 'em whot ther wor to do. Just then Sam an his dowter coom +aght, an when they saw me ommost undrest, wi mi face grimed wi sooit an +mi heead whitened wi mail, an Sam an his lass lukkin varry little +better, it set some oth chaps laffin, an aw went inside an festened th' +door, an puffin' an blowin' like a brokken-winded horse, aw sat daan +convinced 'at that chap wor reight when he sed aw knew nowt abaat th' +hen trade.</p> + +<p>But th' noise aghtslde gate laader, an th' wimmen's voices wor +raised +to th' screamin' pitch, soa aw ventured to luk aght, an' thear wor poor +Dorothy ith middle ov a duzzen wimmen 'at wor shakkin ther umbrellas an +tooastin forks ovver her heead, wol one on em wor holdin' up mi Sundy +shirt, an other two wor tryin' to divide mi breeches between 'em, an +ther wor sich a hullaballoo as yo nivver heeard. 'Tha's war nor him bi +th' hawf!' sed one. 'What business as shoo wi his dooas under her arm, +aw should like to know. It's a disgrace to ivvery woman ith fold, +that's +what it is!' sed another; an aw began to see 'at that cock had been th' +meeans o' gettin' her into trouble as well as me.</p> + +<p>Aw thowt th' best thing aw could do wor to leeave 'em to +settle it +amang thersen, soa aw went an gate weshed an donned, an it seems bi th' +time aw wor ready to goa aght they'd managed to get hold oth reight end +oth tale, an aw wor met wi a shaat o' laffin throo th' men, an even th' +wimmen smiled, tho' some on 'em shook ther heeads in a mysterious +sooart +ov a way, as mich as to gie me to understand 'at they'd let me off that +once, but if awd onny desire to keep ther gooid opinion awd better net +get into another scrape oth same sooart. Aw knew they threw a gooid +deal +o' blame onto poor Dorothy, an aw wor varry sooary it wor soa, for shoo +wor a nice quiet young woman, an tewed hard to keep hersen respectable, +an noabdy hed a word to say agean her, nobbut shoo kept a tom-cat 'at +worn't partiklar whooas dish he put his nooas in.</p> + +<p>Aw nivver went near them hens agean wol Mundy mornin'. Aw knew +they wor +in a land flowing wi broth an breead, but ther wor noa fear on me +forgettin' 'em, for that cock crowed wol he wor hooarse. Ther wornt one +chap i' that fold 'at worn't up i' time for his wark o' Mundy mornin', +an as for misen awd hardly a wink o' sleep all th' neet.</p> + +<p>Aw wor foorced to stop in all th' day o' Sundy, becoss o' mi +clooas +bein' at Dorothy's, an when Mundy coom aw went daan ith cellar an cut' +em all their heeads off, an detarmined to cook 'em all three an invite +th' wimmen to ther drinkin', an see if aw couldn't mak things pleasant +ageean. Aw saw a nay bar hingin' up some clooas, soa aw tell'd her what +aw intended to do, an awd noa need to mention it to onnybody else, for +th' news hed flown to ivvery haase i' less nor five minnits.</p> + +<p>Dorothy browt me mi clooas back o' Tuesdy, an they luk'd +ommost as +gooid as new, an aw invited' em all to ther drinkin' for Fridy neet, an +then aw went an bowt two pot dogs an a stag for Sam's dowter, an aw wor +luk'd on as th' king oth fold. It wor a varry little haase for abaat +twenty fowk, but aw cleared all aght, an put tables ith middle an +cheers +raand th' sides, an contrived raam for 'em all. Aw dooant think yo +ivver +hed onny experience i' cookin' for yorsen, nivver name cookin' for +other +fowk, but aw considered misen a varry gooid hand, an aw can assure yo +when aw stewed them hens an rooasted th' cock, an boiled some puttates, +an made a pile o' tooast, an some strong teah flavored wi rum, 'at it +wor a set aght net to be despised.</p> + +<p>All wor ready an promised for a success, an aw could see th' +wimmen +bobbin' aght o' one door into another wi ther new caps on, an aw saw bi +th' clock 'at it nobbut wanted a quarter ov an haar befoor they'd be +all +thear, sea aw tuk a can an went to th' pump for some clean watter, so +as +we could keep th' kettle filled up, an aw left th' door oppen. Aw wornt +aboon a minnit away, but as aw wor comin' back, what should aw see but +that tom-cat o' Dorothy's comin' aght oth door wi abaat hawf a hen in +his maath. Away it ran hooam an me after it; net 'at aw cared soa mich +abaat th' loss oth mait, for aw knew we should hey enuff, but aw wor +mad +to think 'at after all mi trouble to cook it aw should be served i' +sich +a way.</p> + +<p>Dorothy wor upstairs, an away it went to her, but aw didn't +foller, for +awd net forgetten th' bother awd been in at Sam's; but wimmen's all +alike, they can nivver keep ther maath shut, an noa sooiner did shoo +see +it nor shoo set up a screeam an, ov coarse, that wor th' signal for +ivvery woman ith fold to fly aght, for they wor all set waitin' for th' +time for ther drinkin'. 'Ger aght wi thee! Tha nasty thief!' shoo sed, +an aw could hear her chasin' it raand an raand, singin' aght, 'Ha can +ta +fashion, tha nasty gooid-fer-nowt? Awl hey thee hung for it befoor +tha'rt a day older!' Daanstairs it coom ageean, an aw oppen'd th' door +an ran it aght, an as aw foller'd it th' wimmen rushed past me in a +body +an all cried aght at once, 'What's he been dooin to thee, Dorothy? +Shame +on him!' Aw went into mi awn haase, an left Dorothy to mak what +explanation shoo thowt best, for aw felt sewer aw should mak matters +war +if aw stopt. Aw dooant know what shoo sed, but they sooin all coom in +laffiin an tawkin, tho' nah an then throwin' aght a sly hint at Dorothy +an me, but aw wor too thrang to tak mich noatice, an' shoo'd moor +sense. +As they wor all wed fowk but her an me, it wor agreed 'at shoo should +sarve aght th' teah, an' awd to sarve th' mait an stuff. They made a +gooid deal o' fun, an th' braan creeam helpt th' teah daan famously, +th' +tooast seem'd ommost to melt away, an th' stewed hens didn't last long, +but th' cock didn't seem to be in as mich favor. Noabdy wanted helpin' +twice, an as awd taen a deeal a' pains to cook it aw felt rayther +disappointed. 'Nan get on an mak a gooid drinkin',' aw says; 'does +onnybody say a bit moor o' this cock?' But it wor all noa use, aw axd +'em an axd 'em wol aw wor fair stalled, an th moor aw tried to +persuade' +em an th' moor they laft.</p> + +<p>'Just thee try a bit thisen,' sed one, 'an then tha'll see hah +it is we +want noa moor: Soa aw tried a bit, an awl be blest if it wornt like +gutty percha. Awd some varry gooid teeth, but they could do nowt wi it. +Aw wor varry soary abaat it, but it couldn't be helpt, an they all sed +they'd nivver had a better drinkin' i' ther life, soa one or two helpt +me to side th' table an straighten up a bit, for ther husbands wor all +ta coom an hey a smook an a drop o' summat short after they'd eoom +throo +ther wark.</p> + +<p>'What mun aw do wi what's left o' this rooast cock?' aw sed.</p> + +<p>'Give it to Dorothy's tom-cat!' sed Sam's dowter.</p> + +<p>'If it gets its teeth fast it'll pull its heead off!' sed +another.</p> + +<p>'An mich matters if it did,' sed owd Sarah; 'for it's a plague +i' this +fold, for yo can keep nowt aght ov it's rooad.'</p> + +<p>'Aw think th' best plan ud be,' sed Sam, as he popp'd in his +heead, 'for +David an Dorothy to mak it up between' em, an then we'll all join an +give' em a weddin' dinner, for awm sewer ther booath looansome, an as +David's hed noa luck wi his poultry, an Dorothy's cat's allus getten +her +i' trouble, aw think nah as yo've swallered th' poultry shoo should +hang +th' cat, an then they could mak a fair start ith world, an aw believe +ther isn't a nayhor 'at willn't gladly give 'em a lift.'</p> + +<p>'This seemed to fall in wi ivverybody's ideas except mine and +Dorothy's, +an we sed nowt. Th' chaps coom in a bit, an a reight jolly lot they +wor, +an when th' wimmen tell'd 'em what a toff owd customer th' cock hed +turned aght, they sed it ud be a gooid name for me, soa they kursened +me +Moorcock, an awve been known bi that name ivver sin. Yo'd hardly think' +at Dorothy wod have agreed to become Dolly Drake, but shoo did, an th' +naybors wor as gooid as ther word, an when we gate wed we sat daan to +as +grand a dinner as ivver yo'd wish to see, an monny a little thing we +have nah 'at wor gein to us then towards haasekeepin'.</p> + +<p>"But some way or other soa monny fowk gate to know abaat her +tom-cat, an +they used to come ta Iuk at it, far shoo wadn't hang it, an they made +sich gam abaat it wol we coom up to this quiet corner, pairtly to get +aght oth gate on 'em, an pairtly becoss aw anlls liked th' country +best, +soa here we are, just as yo see us, an here it's varry likely we shall +stop till one on us is fotched away in a black box. Th' owd tom-cat's +deead, an aw stuffed it, an yo can see it at top oth clock, so nah 'Yo +know th' reason awm called 'Owd Moorcock.'"</p> + +<p>"Ther's nivver noa end to thy tongue when it gets runnin'," +sed Dolly: +"th' supper's been ready for long enuff, an if tha hasn't tawkt him +booath hungry an dry bi this time he's able to stand it better nor me."</p> + +<p>We knocked th' ashes aght ov us pipes an went in to supper. It +did'nt +last long, an after thankin' 'em for ther hospitality an information aw +shook hands an bid 'em gooid neet, an it'll be a long time befoor aw +forget mi visit to, "Owd Moorcock."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Peace_Makkin" id="Peace_Makkin"></a>Peace +Makkin.</h2> + +<p>"Honest confession is gooid for th' soul," they say, an aw may +as weel +confess at once 'at awve been a fooil. Happen yo'll say "that's nowt +fresh," but beggin' for pardon this is summat fresh. Yo'll happen think +'at awve been bettin' at Donkeystir Races, or 'at awve been bun for a +chap in a money club, or 'at awve bowt a share in a manufacturin' +company, limited, or 'at awve started th' newspaper business, or takken +a hotel, or 'at awve joined th' Mormons, or 'at awve getten into a law +suit. But whichivver yo'd guessed yo'd be sewer to be 'wrang. All awve +been tryin' to do has been to act as a peeace makker, an if awd carried +it on for onny length o' time, aw should ha been made into sich a lot +o' +pieces misen 'at it wod ha takken a besom to sweep me up.</p> + +<p>Just anent awr haase lives a old cross-grained chap 'at's +getten wed to +a varry nice lass, an' as he's a bit o' brass an' shoo's a lump o' +beauty, yo'd think they should live together as happy as two turtle +doves. But awm sooary to say 'at sich isn't th' case, for they +generally +get up abaat hawf-past eight an have a feight befoor nine. Awm a varry +tender-hearted sooart ov a customer, an awm sewer it's monny a time +made +mi heart bleed to see an hear ther goins on. Somehah or other awd allus +sided wi th' wife, tho' aw nivver knew what th' rows have been abaat, +an +ov coorse soa long as they kept 'em i' ther own haase aw couldn't +interfere. But t'other day, abaat a wick sin, they wor gooin it war an +war, an shoo coom runnin' into th' street wi her hair all daan an her +gaon ommost riven off her back, an he rushed aght after her wi a +umbrella in his hand, strikin' at her reight an left, all all shoo had +to protect hersen wi wor th' rollin' pin. Thinks aw to misen, this +sooart o' thing has gooan far enuff, an as awd just been readin' abaat +th' "atrocities," aw fancied misen England an him Turkey an her a poor +Bulgarian, an aw determined awr wodn't see a poor inoffensive young +woman ill-treated bi a brute like that, soa just as he wor gettin' +ready +to strike her daan into th' eearth, aw stept behund him an planted mi +naive at th' back ov his ear, an he rolled ovver like a skittle pin. +Just as he fell awd an idea 'at awd been struck wi leetnin or else ther +wor an eearthquake, for a summat dropped onto mi heead wi sich a foorce +'at aw saw some oth grandest fireworks awd ivver seen, an aw sat daan +wi +sich a bang 'at awm sewer aw must ha left mi impression pratty deep +somewhear. When aw began to collect mi scattered thowts aw saw her +standin' ovver me quaverin' th' rollin' pin aboon mi heead to prevent +onnybody hittin' me ageean. When aw gate up aw began to reason wi misen +as to what had been to do, an aw couldn't help thinkin' 'at that +rollin' +pin hed summat to do wi th' lump o' mi heead. Aw felt sooary then 'at +awd been soa rash as to knock th' old chap daan, an aw went to beg his +pardon an sympathise wi him.</p> + +<p>"Shoo's a shocker," he sed, "ther's nubdy knows what aw have +to put up +wi. Shoo ill-uses me throo morn to neet, an awm feeard o' mi life." +Just +then shoo made a dash at him as if shood made up her mind to knock his +heead cleean off, soa aw catched hold ov her arm an gave her a swing +raand 'at landed her just abaat th' same spot 'at awd left a minit +befoor. Aw dooant know whether ivver yo've been hit at top oth heead wi +a old-fashioned umbrella or net, but if yo have, yo know it's nooan a +varry pleasant thing, for it seems to strike you i' three or four +places +at once. Whether th' owd chap hit me in a mistak or he did it o' +purpose +awve niver had th' chance to find aght, for things seem'd to get a +gooid +deeal mixt just abaat that that time, an all aw know is 'at awve been +i' +bed for ommost a wick, an awm soa stiff yet wol aw can hardly stir. One +hawf o' mi heead is covered wi stickin' plaister, an awm covered wi +black an blue marks throo mi neck to mi knees. As aw sit at th' winder +suppin' mi gruel, aw can hear th' rows gooin on across th' street just +as usual, an if they keep at it wol aw interfere agean they willn't +have +to drop it just yet, for it's towt me 'at it's best to let fowk feight +ther own battles, for when it's nobbut one to one they've booath a +chonce, but when it's two to one it's vary oft rough for th' one.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Awr_Emma_A_False_Alarm" id="Awr_Emma_A_False_Alarm"></a>Awr Emma—A +False Alarm.</h2> + +<p>"Aw dooan't know what tha thinks abaat it, Isaac, but aw know +ther's +summat nooan reight. Aw went to see awr Emma last neet, an' shoo +doesn't +luk a bit like hersen: an' if shoo hadn't been rooarin' awl nivver +trust +mi een agean. It's some sooart o' bother shoo's havin' wi' yond felly +o' +hers, depend on't. Aw warned her enuff befoar shoo gate wed, an' tawk'd +to her wol aw wor fair stall'd, but nowt 'ud do but shoo mud have him, +an' if shoo hasn't getten her hands full aw'm capt."</p> + +<p>"Why, lass, aw dooan't know what reason tha has for sayin' +soa, for aw'm +sewer they seem varry comfortable together, an' aw've nivver heeard her +say a word agean him, an' he seems as steady as old gold. Shoo wor +happen low spirited last neet, or had a bit o' th' heead wark."</p> + +<p>"Tha needn't try to lap it up; aw can guess eggs when aw see +shells, an' +aw know as well as if shoo'd tell'd me wi' her own lips 'at ther's +summat at's nooan reight. Shoo's far too gooid for him, an' aw all us +sed soa, an' if shoo'd ha' ta'en my advice shoo'd ha' waited wol shoo'd +met wi' som'dy fitter for her. But shoo's thy temper to nowt, an' if +shoo sets her mind on a thing, it's noa moor use tawkin' to her nor +spittin' aght. Aw'm nooan soa mich up o' theas chaps 'at's as steady as +old gold: they're varry oft moor decaitful bi th' hauf, an' when aw +come +to think on it, aw remember he didn't behave just as aw could ha' liked +him if he'd just been wed to me, th' first day they wor wed, for he'd +hardly a word to say to awr Emma at dinner time, but he could gabble +fast enuff to that lass o' Amos's, an' if shoo wor a child o' mine aw'd +awther tak' some o' that consait aght on her or else aw'd tak' th' skin +off her back."</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt too perticlar bi hauf. Tha allus luks at th' black +side o' +ivverything. Tha may depend on't awr Emma knows what shoo's dooin', an' +tha'd far better leave 'em to feight it aght thersen if ther's owt +wrang, for tha knows it nivver does to interfere between man an' wife, +tha tell'd me that monny a year sin' when mi mother sed a word to thee."</p> + +<p>"Eea, but that wor a varry different matter, for thi mother +knew tha'd +getten a wife wi' a deeal moor sense nor thee, an' a deeal moor feelin' +too, for aw believe tha cares noa moor for yond lass o' thine nor if +shoo wor nowt related to thi': but aw'm different, an' if that +gooid-fer-nowt 'at shoo's thrown hersen away on, doesn't treat her as +he +owt to do, aw'l mak this taan too hot for him, or my' name isn't +Angelina!"</p> + +<p>"Why, lass, tha can do as tha likes, but aw think tha'll find +it best to +let 'em manage ther own affairs, an' aw dooan't suppooas awr Emma 'll +get throo this life withaat a bit o' trubble nah an' then same as other +fowk. Aw'm sewer aw connot; an' shoo's noa better nor me."</p> + +<p>"Isn't shoo? But if aw thowt shoo worn't, aw'd nivver own her +as one o' +mine! But aw'd like to know what trubble tha's ivver had except what +tha's browt o' thisen wi' thi own contraryness an' fooilishness? If +ivver ther wor a chap 'at went throo' this world wi' silver slippers +it's thee, for tha's ivverything done to thi hand, an' aw've been a +slave to thee ever sin aw gat thee, an' nivver had ony thanks for it +nawther; but aw dooan't want awr Emma to be trampled into th' earth as +aw've been, an' shoo shalln't be, if aw know on it, for aw'l fotch her +back hooam an' sharply too."</p> + +<p>"Aw tell thi tha can do just as tha's a mind, an' aw'm sewer +aw didn't +know tha had been trampled on, for tha's been booath maister and +mistress i' this shop ivver sin aw knew thi."</p> + +<p>"Eea an' aw meean to be booath maister an' mistress, an' if +tha'd a +heart i' thi belly as big as a beean tha wodn't sit daan quietly as tha +does, when tha hears 'at one o' thi own flesh an' blooid is pining +away."</p> + +<p>"Aw didn't know shoo wor pining away, for aw'm sewwer shoo's +gettin' as +fat as a pig, an' aw think it'll be time enuff to interfere when shoo +grummels hersen."</p> + +<p>"Tha tawks like a fooil, Isaac, an' aw've tell'd thi so over +an' over +agean. Tha knows shoo isn't like thee, at cries aght befoar tha'rt +hurt, +but aw'l waste noa moor wind o' thee for aw'l put on mi bonnet an' +shawl +an' goa up to their haase this minit, an' see if aw can't find aght +what's to do, an' try to put things into a reight shap'." Soa shoo put +on her things an' leavin' Isaac to luk after th' stew 'at wor i' th' +oven, shoo sailed off in a famous flurry to have a tawk wi' Emma. It +wor'nt monny minits walk, an' as shoo put th' speed on shoo managed to +get thear befoar her temper cooiled, an' oppenin' th' door shoo stept +in +an' sed, "Nah, Emma, lass, aw've come to see ha' tha art this mornin'?"</p> + +<p>"Aw'm first rate, mother," sed Emma, "Aw'm rare an' glad to +see yo', but +what's browt yo' here this mornin'?"</p> + +<p>"Aw know tha artn't furst rate, an' it's noa use thee tellin' +me 'at tha +art, for aw've com'd here to know th' truth, an' aw'm detarmined tha +shall tell me, for aw've hardly been able to sleep a wink sin aw wor +here last neet, an' aw've been tawkin' to thi father this mornin', but +one mud just as well whistle jigs to a mile-stoop an' expect it to +dance +as tawk to him an' expect to get ony sense aght on him, but aw want to +know what bother tha's been havin' wi' that felly o' thine an' what +he'd +been dooin' to thi 'at made thee soa sorrowful last neet? Nah, dooan't +goa raand th' corners, but come straight to th' point. Aw've nooan been +wed all theas years but what aw know what poor wives have to put up +wi'. +Has he been drinkin'?"</p> + +<p>"Nay, mother, yo' munnot tawk like that, for aw'm sewer ther' +wor nivver +a better man tied to a woman nor my Bob, an' yo' know he's a +teetotaller, soa ther's noa fear on him gooin' on th' spree."</p> + +<p>"Aw'm nooan soa sewer abaat that, an' if he doesn't drink he +varry +likely does war. Mun, aw know what men are, an' tha has it to leearn +yet. Tha'n screen him all tha can, aw know that, just same as aw have +to +do thi father, but tha connot deceive me, aw've lived to' long to be +easily chaited."</p> + +<p>"Aw dooan't want to chait yo', mother, an' aw've nought to +screen Bob +for, for aw dooan't know 'at he's a fault, unless it is his thinkin' +soa +mich o' me."</p> + +<p>"A'a, poor fooilish 'child! He thinks nooan too mich o' thee, +net he +marry! He doesn't think hauf enuff, or else he'd nooan goa on as he +does! Aw tak' noa noatice o' ther coaxin' an' fondlin'; it's all +mak'-believe, an' as long as they can manage to get all they want for a +soft word or two they'll give yo' plenty on 'em, but aw know' em, an' +they can't come ovver me. Ther' isn't a pin to choose amang th' best on +'em, for they're all as full o' decait as an egg's full o' mait. But aw +want to know what wor th' reason tha wor lukkin' soa cut-up and +daan-trodden last neet?"</p> + +<p>"Why, mother, you're altogether wrang this time. Aw wor +raythur low +spirited last neet, but it's nowt yo' can blame him for, for aw'm sewer +he works hard ivvery day, an' if he doesn't haddle as mich as he did +it's noa fault o' his. An' this last two or three wicks his wage has +been less bi five shillin' nor it used to be, an' at th' price o' mait +an' stuff nah, it's hard wark to mak' ends meet, an' what aw wor +trubbled abaat last neet wor becoss aw'd nowt to set him for his supper +except a basin o' porrige, an' that isn't mich for a chap 'at's been +tewin' all th' day, tho' he nivver says a wrang word what ther' is."</p> + +<p>"An' what should he grummel for, aw'st like to know? Bless mi +life if he +had to goa withaat for a time or two what bi that? Ther's better fowk +nor him had to goa baaht supper befoor to-day! He gets as gooid stuff +as +thee, an' better too, aw'l be bun' for't! But aw should like to know +ha' +it is 'at his wage is five shillin' a wick less nor it wor, for aw've +heeard nowt abaat ony on 'em bein' bated, an' aw should ha' done if +they +had, for ther's two or three lives i' awr street 'at works at th' same +shop, an' they'd ha' been safe to tell me. But what does he say abaat +it?"</p> + +<p>"He's nivver sed nowt, an' aw've nivver ax'd him, for he allus +gives me +all he has ov a Friday neet, an' aw mak' it do as weel as aw can."</p> + +<p>"Raillee! Emma! aw think tha gets less wit ivvery day! Ha' can +ta' tell +what he's dooin' wi that five shillin' a wick if tha nivver axes him? +But tha mun ax him! It's thi duty! Depend on't he's spendin' it i' some +way 'at's nooan too gooid, or else he'd let thee know. But it's thy +affair, net mine; aw've nowt to do wi' it, an' aw've net com'd to +interfere; but aw should like to know if tha's seen Amos's dowter +lately?"</p> + +<p>"Shoo wor here this mornin' befoor yo' coom. Shoo luks in for +a minit or +two nab an' then."</p> + +<p>"Oh! Has ta' noaticed whether shoo's getten owt new latly?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, shoo'd a new bonnet on this mornin', an' varry weel shoo +luk't in +it!"</p> + +<p>"Aw wonder whear shoo gets her new bonnets an' stuff, it's +cappin' to +me, but aw've a nooashun shoo doesn't buy 'em wi' her own brass. Let's +see. Bob used to lodge wi' Amos befoor yo' gate wed, didn't he?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, they thowt as mich on him as one o' ther own, an aw know +nowt +abaat whose brass shoo buys her things wi', but aw nivver heeard 'at +shoo wor i' debt for owt, an' aw can't see' at we've owt to do wi' it."</p> + +<p>"N'oa, an' tha can see nowt! But ther' is 'at can see if tha +cannot, but +as tha says it's nowt to us; but if aw wor a wife aw should want to +know +whear my husband tuk his five shillin' a wick."</p> + +<p>"Ther's mi father commin', he's seekin' yo' aw expect."</p> + +<p>"Aw'l be bun' for't! If aw stir off th' doorstun he's after +me! What's +browt thee here?"</p> + +<p>"Th' childer's come hooam to ther dinner an' they're all +waitin'."</p> + +<p>"Couldn't ta tell' em to get that stew aght o' th' oven?"</p> + +<p>"Aw know nowt abaat th' stew."</p> + +<p>"Hasn't ta stirred it up an' put some moor watter in as aw +tell'd thi?"</p> + +<p>"Aw nivver heeard thi say nowt abaat it."</p> + +<p>"A'a tha art a lumpheead if ivver ther' wor one i' this world! +Why, +it'll be burnt as dry as a chip! Aw mun be off! Gooid mornin', lass, +an' +see' at tha taks care o' thisen whativver comes o' other fowk, an' when +aw've a bit moor time aw'l slip up to comfort thee a bit agean. Tha's +noa need to come for ony dinner, Isaac, for ther'll be nooan for thi."</p> + +<p>"All reight lass, aw'm nooan langin', for aw gate that bit o' +pie 'at +wor i'th' cubbord."</p> + +<p>"An' tha'd ha' etten th' cubbord too, if it had been pie! Come +stir +thi!"</p> + +<p>Chapter II.</p> + +<p>A few wicks passed by, an' Angelina couldn't find aght what +became ov +her son-i'-law's five shillin's, an' tho' shoo kept een an' ears wide +oppen to catch a whisper agean him, shoo saw, nor heeard newt. But her +mind wor ill at ease, for shoo'd managed to convince hersen 'at ther +wor +summat nooan reight, an' becoss shoo couldn't find owt shoo put it daan +to his decait, an' shoo generally finished up wi' sayin' 'at her dowter +wor a fooil an' Bob wor a deep 'en. At last th' mystery had to be +unveiled an' her mind set at rest.</p> + +<p>One neet a little lass knock'd at th' door, an' sed 'at Emma +had sent +her to tell her an' Isaac to go a to see her as sooin as ivver they +could.</p> + +<p>"Nah then! What did aw tell thi? It's come at last, an' aw +knew it wad I +But if he's raised a finger o' his to hurt a hair ov her heead aw'l +fotch law on him if aw have to sell up dish an' spooin! put this +stickin' plaister i' thi pocket, an' theas cammomile flaars, an' poppy +heeads, an' let's be off this minit!"</p> + +<p>"What's th' stickin' plaister an' all this stuff for?". sed +Isaac.</p> + +<p>"Tha'll see what it's for sooin enuff! A'a, aw wish sometimes +aw'd +flivver been born! It's a bonny come off to bring childer into th' +world +an' keep' em an' luk after' em till they grow up to be treated war nor +dogs!"</p> + +<p>Isaac shov'd th' stuff into his pockets an' wor off after her +as sooin +as he could, for shoo'd stirred him up a bit, an' he gript his walkin' +stick an' pooled his hat ovver his een as mich as to say he thowt it +high time to let fowk know what they wor abaat. As sooin as they gate +i'th' seet o'th' haase he sed, "Ther's noa fowk abaat that's one +blessin'; if ther's been a row they must ha' been varry quite abaat it."</p> + +<p>"Shoo'd niver utter a word if shoo wor to be riven i' bits, +shoo's too +mich like me for that, A'a, aw little thowt aw should ivver have to +come +o' sich o' eearand as this!"</p> + +<p>They didn't stop to knock, but oppen'd th' door, an' thear +they saw Bob +an' Emma sittin' at th' teah-table lukkin' as cheerful an' as happy as +could be.</p> + +<p>"Come in, booath on yo'," sed Emma, "Yo'r just i' time for a +cup o' +teah. We didn't expect yo' quite as sooin, but yo'r allus welcome."</p> + +<p>"Why yond lass tha sent coom wi' sich a tale wol we wor sewer +ther' munt +be summat serious to do, an' we started off withaat wastin' a minit."</p> + +<p>"Aw'm glad yo've com'd," sed Bob, "We've getten summat to show +yo', but +yo' mun have a cup o' teah furst."</p> + +<p>"What have aw to do wi' all this stickin' plaister an' stuff?" +sed +Isaac.</p> + +<p>"Can't ta keep it i' thi pocket an' say nowt apaat it, +softheead! Tha +wants a piece on it across thi macth."</p> + +<p>"Whativver made yo' bring stickin' plaister, mother, yo' +sewerly didn't +think ther'd been ony feightin'?"</p> + +<p>"Does fowk nivver want ony stickin' plaister nobbut when +they've been +feightin'? Ha could aw tell but what one o' yo' had tummel'd onto th' +foire, or getten scalded or summat? Thi father browt it, it wor nooan +o' +me."</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw browt it, but—"</p> + +<p>"But—Tha can hold thi noise an' tak' it back, for if +ther'd been ony +use for it tha'd ha' been sewer to ha' forgetten it. But let's +see what this thing is 'at tha's sent for us to luk at, for aw can get +noa drinkin' unless aw know what it is."</p> + +<p>"Well, come yo're ways into this raam," sed Emma, "Here it is, +an' tell +me what yo' think on it."</p> + +<p>"Why aw'l be shot if it isn't a sewin' machine! An' a grand en +it is; +but ha' mich have yo' to give for it?"</p> + +<p>"Ther's nowt to give for it, becoss it's all paid for. Bob's +bowt it me +aght o'th' brass he's been savin'."</p> + +<p>"Then that's whear his five shillin' a wick has been gooin'?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, an' moor nor that, for he'd getten a raise of hauf a +craan, an' he +nivver tell'd me, becoss he wanted to buy this for mi birthday."</p> + +<p>"What did aw tell thi, Emma? Didn't aw say 'at tha could trust +Bob? They +can't deceive me. Aw can tell a straightforrad chap as sooin as aw see +him."</p> + +<p>"Nah, tha sees Angelina," sed Isaac, "Things isn't just as +black as tha +thowt they wor, an' aw tell'd thi—"</p> + +<p>"Tha tell'd me nowt, an' aw dooan't want thi to tell me owt; +goa sit thi +daan to thi drinkin' an' let thi mait stop thi maath.'"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Niver_Judge_by_Appearances" id="Niver_Judge_by_Appearances"></a>Niver Judge by +Appearances.</h2> + +<p>If yo niver heeard tell o' that doo 'at Broddington an +Clarkson once +had, aw'll tell yo abaat it; for when aw heeard on it aw lafft wol my +bally wark'd, aw did forshure. Yo mun understand at Broddington kept a +butcher's shop i' Snicket loin an Clarkson kept a puttaty shop ith same +row. Well, it soa happen'd 'at Broddington's shop wor too big for him, +an Clarkson's wor too little for him, soa they had a bit o' tawk +together, an after a deeal o' bargainin, an boath swearin 'at it ud be +a +loss o' monny a paand, they agreed to swap. Broddington wor a single +chap an lived bi hissen, but Clarkson had a wife an some bairns, an +shoo +wor a wife an noa mistak! for shoo'd tongue enuff for hauf a duzzen. +Ther wor a sign ovver each shop wi th' name painted on, but as one +wodn't fit t' other they agreed to swap signs as weel an to get' em +repainted, each wi thee own name. Well, one day they set abaat flittin, +an a varry hard day they had, but at last all wor comfortably arranged +an nowt moor wanted dooin but names changin.</p> + +<p>After a hard job like that, Broddington thowt he'd give hissen +a bit ov +a treat, an goa off on a cheap trip to Liverpool, for as it wor varry +hot weather he hadn't mich to do—butchers niver +have—but as he lived +bi hissen, an wor a varry hard sleeper, he couldn't tell ha to manage +to +get up to be ready for four o'clock, an' he didn't like th' idea o' +sittin up all th' neet, coss he knew if he did 'at he'd be fit for nowt +all th' day. After studdin abaat it a bit an idea struck him, an' off +he +set to seek th' policeman 'at wor o' that beat, an get him to wakken +him.</p> + +<p>He wornt long afoor he fan him, soa he says, "Jim, aw want +thee to do me +a bit ov a faver if tha will." "Well, lad," he sed, "awl do it if aw +can +awl promise thi; what is it tha wants me to do?" "Aw want to set off o' +that cheap trip tomorn 'at leaves here at four o'clock, an as awm a +varry saand sleeper, aw want thee to wakken me abaat hauf-past three." +"O, if that's all, awl do that an' welcome." "But tha knows," sed +Broddington, "its nooan sich a easy task as tha seems to fancy, for +when +awm i' bed aw sleep like a stooan, an soa if aw dooant get up at once +tha mun pawse th' door wol aw do." "O, awl pawse it niver fear, awl +wakken thi afoor aw leave off, tha may bet thi front teeth o' that." +"Well, aw darsay tha may, an awve made up mi mind to goa, but awm sich +a +sleepy-head 'at if aw get up its a thaasand to one aw shall goa to bed +agean as sooin as iver tha turns thi back, so tha mun stop wol aw come +daan stairs, an then tha shall tell me what tha thinks abaat some +whisky +'at awve getten." "Leave that to me," sed Jim, "awl bet tha'll come +daan +afoor aw stur; if ther's ony whisky inside awl find mi way to it." +"That's all right," sed Broddington, "nah awl goa hooam an' get to bed +an' have a few haars sleep afoor tha comes." Soa off he went hooam, but +unfortunately he'd forgetten to tell th' policeman 'at he'd flitted.</p> + +<p>Well, old Clarkson stuck to his puttaty shop wol abaat ten +o'clock an +then when he'd getten shut up, he thowt he'd just goa an' spend an' +haar +or two wi a friend, so a as th' wife wor aght oth seet he snig'd off, +an' it seems he faand ther company soa varry agreeable wol it wor +ommost +three o'clock when he landed hooam. He knew what a blowin up he'd be +sure to get, but as his wife liked a drop o' whisky to goa to bed on, +he +bowt a bottle to tak hooam as a bit ov a sweetner. He crept in as quiet +as he could, for he thowt if th' wife wor asleep it wad be a shame to +wakken her. He tuk his booits off an' went ov his tiptooas into th' +bedroom.</p> + +<p>"O, soa tha's landed hooam agean has ta? Couldn't ta find ony +body 'at +ud have thi ony longer? If awd been thee awd ha done t'other bit aght. +Awm capt 'at a wed chap 'at's a wife an' childer at hooam rakin aght i' +this way! But ther's one thing certain, it's noa daycent place wheer +tha +wor wol this time oth' mornin! Niver heed! It willn't last long, aw +feel +awm gettin waiker ivery day—waiker ivery day; tha'll nooan ha +me soa +long, an' then tha can spree an' drink thi fill. Aw do, aw feel awm +gettin waiker ivery day," shoo sed agean. But old Clarkson made noa +reply, for he'd heeard th' same tale monny a time befoor, an' he knew +if +he sed he wor sooary, shoo'd say he wor a liar, an' praich him a sarmon +as long as his leg abaat what he'd do if he wor sooary; an' if he sed +he +didn't think shoo wor waiker, shoo'd say, "Noa, aw ail nowt; ther's +nivver any sympathy for me! aw mun slave mi soul aght for owt tha +cares—nasty unfeelin wretch!" Well, Jim didn't spaik for he +thowt "the +leeast sed an th' soonest mended." But shoo wornt to be done, shoo at +it +ageean in another tone—"Eea, aw feel awm gettin +waiker—Waiker ivery +day; does ta hear what aw say?" "Hear thi," he sed, "mi ears are hoof'd +wi harkenin to thi." "Eea, an they shall be hoof'd," shoo sed, "for as +long as awve breath i' my body awl tell thi o' thi faults. Ha can ta +fashion; but if tha doesn't alter awl niver put legs daan i' bed wi' +thee agean I Shame o' thisen! but tha has na shame; tha'rt as brazzen +as +brass, that's what tha art!" "Nah, hold thi noise," he sed. "Sithee, +aw've browt thi a bottle o' whisky; mun, awm allus thinkin on thi." +"Dooant tell me sich like tales as them, for aw dooant believe thi," +shoo says, "tha thinks tha can get ovver me wi a bottle o' whisky aw +daresay, but tha'rt mistakken; an' aw dooant know whear tha's getten +that at this time oth' mornin."</p> + +<p>Jim kept a still tongue in his bead an' crept quietly into +bed, an' it +worn't long befoor they wor booath asleep.</p> + +<p>Nah, it wor varry near time for th' polieeman to come to +wakken +Broddington, an' as he knew nowt abaat th' flittin he luck'd up at th' +sign, an' feelin sure at he wor at th' reight shop he gave a varry +gooid +rat-a-tat at Clarkson's door.</p> + +<p>"What's that?" sed his wife, jumpin up; "go daan and see."</p> + +<p>"Net aw," sed Clarkson, "its nobbut some druffen chaps 'at's +on for a +spree."</p> + +<p>"Eea, an they know whear to come it seems! A'a, if aw wor a +man aw +should shame to have sich like followin me."</p> + +<p>Another rat-a-tat followed, but Clarkson wor detarmined not to +get up, +an' th' policeman wor just as detarmined to pail at th' door till he +did +get up. Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat! went his stick time after time, wol at +last old Clarkson baanced aght o' bed an threw up his winder, an' axed +what he wanted; but when he saw a blue coat an' shinin buttons, he +turned raand to his wife an' sed, "It's a bobby."</p> + +<p>"Why," shoo says, "ax him what he wants."</p> + +<p>"What does ta want?" sed Clarkson.</p> + +<p>"Nah, then, is noa gooid tryin' to mak it strange; tha knows +aw've come +here for that whisky, an' awmean to have it befoor aw goa."</p> + +<p>"O, that's it, is it?" sed his wife. "That's thee 'at's browt +me th' +whisky? It's grand to bring a wife whisky an' ax a policeman to come +sup +it."</p> + +<p>"Aw niver ax'd onybody to come, aw dooant know what he wants."</p> + +<p>"That's a varry nice tale, lad, but tha willn't mak me believe +it; aw +know better nor a policeman comin toa haase at hauf-past three ith +mornin if he hadn't been sent for."</p> + +<p>Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat-tat! went th' policeman's stick, an old +Clarkson +flew to th' winder an shaats aght, "What th' d—— +does ta want?"</p> + +<p>"Nah, it's noa gooid thee puttin on an' makkin it all strange; +tha mud +as weel come daan sooin as lat, for tha'll ha to goa wi me an' th' +whisky an' all, soa on wi them britches an come daan stairs."</p> + +<p>"Nah, Clarkson," sed his wife, sittin up i' bed, "tell me th' +truth at +once; has ta getten that whisky honestly or net? If tha hasn't say so, +an then awst know what to expect. Aw allus sed 'at tha'd bring me an +th' +childer to some end if this rakin aght ov a neet went on. A'a 'at ivver +aw should ha lived to see this day!" An then shoo began rockin hersen +backards an forrads, an moppin up her tears wi th' corner oth sheet.</p> + +<p>Yo may guess what a din th' policeman made when it wakkened +Broddington +'at lived six or eight doors off, an aght o' ommust ivvery winder ith +row ther wor neetcaps bobbin in an aght, an some on 'em shook ther +heeads an sed, "It's nobbut what aw expected; awve thowt many a time +'at +if Clarkson could afford to dress his wife 'i silks an satins, 'at it +didn't all come aght o' th' puttaty trade," an after that feelin remark +they went back to bed.</p> + +<p>Broddington gate up an dressed an went daan stairs to see what +wor up. +All at once he bethowt him abaat th' policeman, an th' fact a' th' +wrang +sign being ovver th' door, an he saw at once what a mistak had been +made. "Well, it can't be helped," he sed, "but poor Clarkson 'll catch +it aw'll bet." Soa he went daan an oppened th' door just at th' same +time at Clarkson wor comin aght. When th' policeman saw Clarkson come +aght an Broddington abaat twenty yards off, he luk'd a trifle soft, an +after starin furst at one an then at t'other, he gave vent to his +astonishment bi sarin, "Blow me tight!" Just then Mrs. Clarkson's heead +show'd aght o' th' chamber winder, "O, it's all varry fine," shoo sed, +"aw see ha it is; it's a made up doo throo th' beginin to th' endin; +but +awl have an alteration as sure as my name's Liddy:" After sayin this +shoo popt back agean an went to bed, noa daat thinkin 'at shoo wor a +varry ill used woman. As matters had getten to this pitch, Broddington +tuk th' policeman an' Clarkson on to his haase, an after a gooid deeal +a +explanation, ivery body seem'd to be satisfied, an Broddington browt +aght a bottle an put it i' th' middle o' th' table an invited 'em to +help thersen. They did, an readily too, for th' policeman worn't a +teetotaler, (an ther's summat abaat that 'at aw could nivver +understand, +for teetotal lecterers tell us 'at if all th' world wor teetotal 'at we +should have noa murders, noa robberies, noa rows, all wod be peace an +happiness an th' millenium be ushered in, an yet aw nivver met a +teetotal policeman, tho ther may be sich like things, th' same as aw've +heeard on ther bein white blackburds, an we know 'at policemen are th' +varry chaps 'at have to keep th' peace.)</p> + +<p>Well, glass followed glass, an Broddington decided net to set +off at +all, but to spend a friendly haar wi 'em, as he'd been th' cause ov a +deeal o' bother, an he thowt th' best thing he could do wod be to +apologize like a man an set things straight agean. Soa they all turned +aght together at about a quarter to ten to goa to Clarkson's, but when +they gate aght o' th' door what should they see but a lot o' furniture +aghtside, an all th' appearances ov another flittin. "What's up nah, +Clarkson?" sed Broddington. "Nay, aw dooant know," he sed, "but it +seems +to me 'at th' wife's sellin up, an shoo's sed shoo wod do monny a time; +but awl put a stop to that, an sharply too." Away he went in a reglar +tiff, an wanted to know who'd fotch'd his stuff aght o' th' haase, an +sed he'd let' em see who wor th' maister thear. When his wife coom shoo +wor fair maddled, an wanted to know what wor up. "Who's tell'd thee to +sell th' furniture," he sed. "Sell th' furniture! Who is selling th' +furniture, fooil! It's nobbut me 'at had it taen aght to cleean, becoss +aw thowt tha wor off for th' day, an aw thowt awd do it before tha come +back, sea as tha wodn't be put abaat wi th' bustle." "O, that's all +reight," he sed. "Aw see nah; aw hardly thowt tha'd do as ill as that, +though tha wor awful crusty this mornin; but ther's Broddington an th' +policeman aghtside 'at want to come in an explain matters a bit." +"Dooant bring' em here," shoo sed, "tha's been wi them to oft; it's +sich +like as them 'at's leeadin thee off."</p> + +<p>"Well, we'd better have 'em in aw think, an hear what they've +to say," +he sed. Soa they went in, an when they'd tell'd th' tale shoo laff'd as +hard as any on 'em, for shoo worn't a bad bottom'd woman though she had +a tongue; soa after makkin all things straight shoo ax'd' em to have a +drop o' summat, which they had, an as shoo sed, "Drink o' ony sooart +wor +a thing 'at shoo seldom or iver touched, though th' doctors had ordered +it for her, time after time, yet considerin 'at Broddington had missed +his cheap trip, an 'at all matters had been put to reights, shoo made +hersen a drop o' whisky an hot watter, an as they sat tawkin an smookin +they coom to th' conclusion 'at it wor nivver safe to judge bi +appearances. Clarkson wor soa pleased at his wite takkin it i' sich a +philosophical way, wol he bowt her a new gaan, an when th' naybors saw +her turn aght in it th' next Sunday, they nodded an smiled at her as if +they could like to put her into ther pockets, but as sooin as shoo'd +turned her back they curl'd ther nooas an turned up th' whites o' ther +eyes, an sed, in a varry mysterious way, "It'll do woll it lasts."</p> + +<p>A'a dear I tak my advice an nivver trust to appearances.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Mi_First_Testimonial" id="Mi_First_Testimonial"></a>Mi First Testimonial.</h2> + +<p>Young Gawthorp lived at t'Cat-i-t'well; some on yo may know +him, he used +to come to Halifax twice i' th' wick to buy his greens and stuff to +hawk, an' he allus call'd at t'Tabor to get a pint as he went hooam.</p> + +<p>Nah Chairley (his mother had kursen'd him Chairley becoss shoo +wor +sittin in a chair th' furst time shoo saw him); well, Chairley worn't +like some country hawbucks at fancied' coss he sell'd puttates an +turnips, 'at he needed no mooar knowledge nor to be able to tell th' +difference between a parsnip an' a manglewurzell. Noa, Chairley had an +inquirin' mind, an' if it hadn't been at one leg wor shorter nor +t'other, he'd a been a sowdger, for his heart wor as brave as any +greengrocer's heart cud be expected to be.</p> + +<p>One neet he'd been to th' taan, an' wor trudgin hooam beside +owd +Testy—that's his donkey's name, an' aw owt to tell yo hah it +happen'd +to be call'd Testy; ther's nowt like explainin' things as we goa on. +Chairley used to goa to th' Sunday Skooil, an' he wor allus soa weel +behaved, an' hardly ivver missed a Sunday withaat bringin' his taicher +awther a apple or toffy or summat, wol th' Superintendant took sich a +fancy to him, 'at he determined to get up a testimonial for him; soa +one +day he call'd him to one side, an' strokin' his heead as tenderley as +if +it wor a whin bush, he sed, "Chairley tha's been a gooid lad, an' we ar +detarmin'd to get up a testimonial for thi. Aw've mentioned it to th' +taichers, an' they've all agreed to subscribe, an aw want thee to say +what shape it shall tak." "Well," said Chairley, "if aw'm to pick, aw +should like it to be as near th' shape o' Tim Hardy's as yo can get."</p> + +<p>"What dusta meean?" sed th' Superintendent.</p> + +<p>"Aw mean Tim Hardy's donkey."</p> + +<p>"Nay Chairley, that'll nivver do for a Sundy skooil to give a +donkey for +a testimonial; that wodn't spaik weel for th' skooil—think +ageean lad."</p> + +<p>"Ther's nowt else at aw'd like, soa if yo cannot gie me that, +it matters +little to me what aw get; an' as for net spaikin weel for th' skooil, +aw +dooan't see that; Balaam's ass spake varry weel for him, an' aw dooan't +see but what one mud spaik varry weel for th' taichers."</p> + +<p>"Well lad, that's soa, an awm glad to see at tha hasn't +studied thi +scriptur for nowt, soa a donkey it shall be. But ther's just one thing +awd like to mention, an that is; tha sees aw'm a poor workin' chap +mysen, an aw'm hardly in a position to afford to give owt towards it, +but it wodn't luk weel for me net to put daan mi name for summat, soa +aw'! subscribe five shillings to help to buy it, an' when tha's getten +it tha can pay me back i' puttates, kidney puttates, an' noa demiked +ens. If tha'll agree to that, awl work this thing up for thi sharp."</p> + +<p>"Aw'l agree." sed Chairley, soa th' thing wor all settled, an +th' next +Wednesday neet after th' special prayer meeting, Chairley wor called up +to th' desk, an' after listenin' to a long speech, th' donkey wor browt +in an presented to him, together wi' a beautiful address, painted an' +illuminated on glass, wi a tollow cannel, soa's to be useful to him +when +hawkin' cockles an' mussels i' winter time.</p> + +<p>Chairley wor famosly delited wi th' donkey, an when it +stretched aght +one hind leg, just to feel whoa it wor at stood behind it, he fairly +shed tears, an' it wor some time befooar he cud get his wind back to +thank' em. He tell'd 'em at that wor th' first testimonial he'd ivver +had gien, an' on that accaant he should name it "Testy"; he thanked 'em +one an' all, an' thowt it wor abaaght time nah for him to goa. Th' +Superintendant sed he thowt soa too, an' he should advise him net to +let +Testy have soa many beeans for th' future, as they made his breath +smell +soa bad.</p> + +<p>Soa Chairley an' Testy went hooam, an t'next morning they +started aght +hawkin, but it wor th' warst days bizniss he ivver had. He gate shut a +mooar stuff nor ivver he'd getten shut on afooar in a wick, but his +purse wor varry little heavier at neet nor it wor i'th' morning, for as +t'mooast ov his customers wor connected wi th' Sunday skoal, an' they +all wanted sarvin' that day, he discovered at Testy worn't likely to +prove all profit after all. If a woman wanted a penny stick a ruburb +shoo'd be sure to ax for a cabbage thrown in, an shoo'd say: "Tha knows +tha'd nivver ha getten that donkey but for awr Simon givin' soa mich +to'ards it."</p> + +<p>When Chairley reckon'd up at neet he stud lukkin at t'donkey +for a +minnit an' then he sed—"Testy owd lad, aw dooant want to hurt +thi +feelins, but aw mun say, at if ivvery body's testimonial cost' em as +mich as tha's cost me to-day, ther isn't quite as mich profit in 'em as +some fowk think; an' unless ther's a lot ov Annani-asses amang my +customers, th'aft abaat th' warst bargain i'th' donkey line at aw've +seen for some time, for aw cud a bowt a horse wi' th' brass at wor +subscribed for thee."</p> + +<p>After that Chairley had to leeave th' Sunday skooil, for he +sed if he +didn't they'd ruin booath him an' Testy. Well, as aw wor sayin' +Chairley +an' Testy wor gooin' hooam an' bed just getten to th' Tabor, when they +booath stopt for a drink. He teed up his donkey an' then went into th' +tapraam for a pint a fourpny, (yo can get varry gooid fourpny at +t'Tabor, ther's some body in it an noa sperrit, hah they brew it is a +saycret, an' it's noa use tryin' to see throo it.) Just anent Chairley +sat an owd sowdger tellin' tales abaaght different battles he'd been +in, +an' Chairley lizened to ivvery word as if it wor gospel, for ov cooarse +he knew at noa man 'ats been in a battle wad say owt at worn't true, +an' +at last he sed, "Captin' aw've oft thowt aw should like to be sowdger, +but yo see mi legs isn't booath just t'same length."</p> + +<p>"That'll mak little difference," he sed, "tha'd be all th' +better for +that, it wodn't be as easy to put a bullet throo thi heead when it wor +bobbin' up and daan, as it wod a chap at walk'd straight; but aw should +advise thee to join th' artillery, that's th' regiment for thee; horse +artillery, that's the ticket, tha'd just doo for that."</p> + +<p>"Dun yo think aw should?"</p> + +<p>"To be sewer, tha'rt just made for it."</p> + +<p>This set Chairley a thinkin', an after treatin' th' owd +sowdger wi' a +pint, he set off hooam.</p> + +<p>As he'd noab'dy else to tawk to' he tawk'd to th' donkey.</p> + +<p>"Well Testy, what dus ta think abaaght it? Dus ta think aw +should doo +for a hartillery chap? They dooant have donkeys i'th' horse hartillery, +or else awd tak thee. What are ta shakin' thi heead at? Well if aw doo +goa, iwl mak a present o' thee to th' Sunday skooil, for aw cudn't tell +what price to put on thi if aw wanted to sell thi. Hahivver, aw think +it +ud be a gooid thing for me to practiss a bit, an' awve two owd muskets +at hooam at can be made come in, an' awl get up it' mornin' i' gooid +time an practiss for an haar or soa befooar we start for bizness. It'll +doo us booath gooid."</p> + +<p>Chairley gate hooam, an' after stablin' Testy an' makkin him +cumfortable, he gave him a bit o' extra corn to mak him lively next +mornin'. He left t'stable sayin, "Well Testy, aw nivver thowt a makkin +a +war-horse aght o' thee, tho' awve seen war horses nor thee; but to morn +tha'll have to be a chairger, an' if tha'rt hauf as gooid a chairger as +t'chap wor at sell'd thi to th' Superintendent, tha'll doo to practiss +on."</p> + +<p>T'next mornin' Chairley gate his two muskets, an havin' teed +one on th' +top o' each pannier, he maanted Testy, an' rooad him to a croft at back +o' th' haase.</p> + +<p>"Nah," he says to hissen, "hah can aw pull these triggers when +aw'm set +up here? It caan't be done; but if aw lig on my belly on th' top of his +back, aw can raich 'em then, an that'll be a better position to escape +th' enemy." Soa he ligg'd his full length o' Testy's back, an tuk hold +o' booath muskets wi' his fingers on th' triggers. "Nah Testy, see tha +behaves thisen' for this may be a turnin' point i' thy life as weel as +mine. Tha'll ha' to get used to th' smell o' paather, same as me. Nah +for it," he sed, an' he shut his een an' whisper'd, "one, two, +three—off!" He pooled booath triggers, booath muskets went +off, an' +Chairley went off at th' same time, an' soa did one o' Testy's ears, +an' +when Chairley lukk'd up Testy wor stanin' on his fore legs, sparrin' +away wi' his heels, as lively as yo'd wish to see. Chairley maniged to +sam hissen together, an' findin' at he worn't killed, he went to mak +friends ageean wi' Testy; an' if ivver ther wor two disconsolate +lukkin' +jackasses i' this world, it wor them two.</p> + +<p>"Well, this is a bonny come off," he sed, "tha'rt a bigger +donkey nor aw +tuk thi for. Had ta noa mooar sense nor to put thi ear i'th' front ova +gun. Tha cud a heeard it goa off withaat lizenin' soa clois?</p> + +<p>"Well, aw wish tha wor nicely aght o' mi hands. What to do wi +thi nah aw +connot tell, unless aw cut off t'other ear to match, an' tee a bunch o' +horsehair to thi tail an' see if aw connot mak a galloway aght on thi; +an' if aw doo that, aw expect tha willn't be able to keep thi maath +shut, an' that voice o' thine 'll let ivvery body know. But hahivver aw +mun try an' bandage that heead o' thine up an' then see what aw can do, +for ther'll be noa hawkin' to-day, an' noa mooar hartillery practiss."</p> + +<p>Chairley weshed th' donkey's heead, an' put some sauve on to +his ear, +an' teed it up as weel as he cud, an' then turned him inta th' croft +an' +sat daan wonderin' hah to spend th' day.</p> + +<p>Nah ther wor nowt Chairley wor fonder on nor kite flyin', an' +as he had +a kite ommost as big as hissen, he thowt he mud as weel amuse hissen a +bit; soa he fotched it, an' befooar monny minnits it wor sailin' away +up +i'th' air. He kept givin' it mooar band wol it wor ommost aght o' seet, +an' beein' a breezy day, it pooled soa hard at he cud hardly hold it.</p> + +<p>To mak matters war, Testy wor varry restless, an' kept +wanderin abaaght, +an' as ther wor noa gate to th' croft, Chairley had to follow him for +feeard on him gettin' away. In a while it began to be rayther hard +wark, +he darn't let t'kite goa, an' ther wor nowt handy to tee it too, soa he +thowt his best plan 'ud be to pull it in, but just then a thowt struck +him, as he saw Testy trottin' off whiskin his tail, an' he went after +him. As sooin as he'd catched him, he teed his kite band to th' +donkey's +tail, sayin' as he did soa, "Nah aw can watch yo booath at once." But +yo +shud a seen that donkey! At first he ran backards for abaaght a dozzen +yards, then he shot aght his heels wi' twenty donkey paar; but it wor +noa use tryin' to kick that kite, he cud just as easy ha' kicked +t'mooin. He tried to turn raand, but that ommost twisted his tail off, +then he planted his feet firmly i' t'graand, wi his tail stickkin' +straight aght like a brooish stail, an' luk'd at Chairley, as if for +some explanation.</p> + +<p>"Well, hah dusta like kite flyin', Testy? tha'd a rooar'd thi +'een up +afooar tha'd thowt a that. It's plain to be seen at tha connot run away +wi' that kite, an' th' kite connot flyaway wi' thee, soa awl leeave yo +an' goa get a bit a dinner."</p> + +<p>He worn't long away, but when he coom back, noa kite cud he +see, but +theear wor Testy stud just as he'd left him. As Chairley walked to him +he nivver sturd, but, fancy his surprise when he saw at th' donkey's +tail wor missin'. It had dissolved partnership wi' Testy an' gooan to +realms aboon. Maybe it'll fessen it sen on to some little star an' mak +a +comet on't.</p> + +<p>Chairley an Testy stud lukkin' at one another for a gooid five +minnits, +an' at last Chairley sed, "Well Testy, tha caan't blame me; aw dooant +think thi appearance is mich improved, but still, tha must admit at tha +arn't as mich of a donkey nah as tha wor when aw gate tha. It seems to +me we'd better pairt, for we dooan't get on soa weel together; awl sell +mi stock an't panniers, an' thee an ivverything; aw shall ha' to sell' +em wholesale though, for aw cannot re-tail thee. But awl promise tha +one +thing, whenivver aw fly a kite ageean, awl remember mi donkey's tail."</p> + +<p>Just then, Testy's knees begun to tremmle, his body rock'd +from side to +side; he luk'd at Chairley as mich as to say, "assassin," an rowled +ovver brokkenhearted; an', withaght a struggle, he breathed his last +sigh to th' tune of "Good bye, Chairley, when aw'm away, dunnot forget +your Testimonial."</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Five_Paand_Nooat" id="Five_Paand_Nooat"></a>Five +Paand Nooat.</h2> + +<p>Aw remember th' first time at aw iver had a five paand nooat, +an' awm +like as if aw can see it yet. It worn't a new en, it wor one 'at had +gooan throo a gooid monny hands,—it wor soft an' silky to th' +touch, +an' it wor yeller wi age, an' th' edges wor riven a bit, an it had a +split up th' middle, whear it had been cut i' two at some time an' +stuck +together agean wi a bit o' postage stamp paper. Aw remember at that +time +aw used to sleep up in a garret, all bi mysen, an' th' walls wor +covered +wi bits o' pictures, an' shelves wor stuck up here an' thear, filled wi +bottles o' all maks o' stuff, an' aw'd an old box 'at aw could lock up +whear aw kept some pipes an bacca, an' owt else at aw darn't let awr +fowk know 'at aw had, an' carefully put away under th' bed wor another +little box whear aw kept cannels. Awm just th' same as if aw can see +mysen nah, as aw wor then, sat daan oth edge oth bed an' th' five paand +nooat on th' table anent me, studdyin what to buy. Aw varily believe +'at +aw bowt one hauf oth taan o' Halifax, i' mi mind, before aw +went to sleep; an aw didn't goa to sleep soa easily that neet as usual, +for after aw'd put th' cannel aght, aw bethowt me 'at skyleet mud be +left unfastened, an' soa aw had to get up an see. When aw'd getten to +bed agean aw felt sewer aw could hear summat stir under th' bed, an' aw +listened for a long time an' then aw felt sure ther wor somdy tryin to +breik into th' haase, for aw could hear' em sawin away as if to cut a +pannel aght oth door. At last aw thowt awd wakken up some o' awr fowk +an +let 'em know, but as sooin as aw oppened th' door aw heeard it wor mi +father snorin, soa a crept back to bed. Aw wor just droppin off to +sleep +when a thowt struck me, 'at maybe some on 'em ud be comin up stairs ith +mornin before aw wakkened, an' they'd be sure to see that five paand +nooat, an' then aw should have to give an' accaant on it, an' mi +father'd be sure to say he'd tak care on it for me, an' aw know what +that meant, soa aw jumped up age an an' put it under th' piller. Aw did +fall asleep in a while, but aw wakkened i' gooid time ith mornin an' +th' +furst thing aw luk'd for wor that nooat, an' thear it wor, all reight. +Then aw gate up an walked aght a bit wol th' braikfast wor ready. Aw +hadn't gooan far when aw met a chap smokin a cigar, an' thinks aw, awl +have a cigar. Soa aw went into a shop an' axed far a gaoid cigar. 'Do +yo +want it very mild?' he axed. 'Noa,' aw sed, 'let me have it as strong +as +owt yo have.' For, thinks aw, aw'l let him see at awm noa new +beginner,—tho to spaik th' truth aw dooant think aw'd iver +smok'd hauf +a duzzen i'mi life. 'That's the best and strongest cigar you can buy,' +he sed, holdin one up between his finger an thumb, but keepin a gooid +distance off. 'Weel,' aw sed, 'aw'l tak that.' 'But these cigars are +sixpence each.' Is that all?' aw sed, as aw threw daan mi five +paand nooat. As sooin as he saw that he picked it up an' held it up to +th' leet, an stroked it, and luk'd at me an' smiled; and he seemed to +tak a fancy to me all at once, an' axed m'e whear aw lived, an what +they +call'd me, an' a lot o' things beside. Then he gave me a leet for mi +cigar, an' he sed he thowt aw wor a judge ov a cigar as sooin as he saw +me, an' he had just one box 'at he'd like me to give my opinion on. +Weel, aw worn't gooin to say at aw didn't know th' difference between a +penny cigar an' one worth a shillin, soa he showed me a box, an' aw +luk'd at 'em an' smel'd at 'em, an' tried to luk wise, an then aw sed, +they did seem a varry nice cigar. 'You are right, sir,' he sed, 'I see +you understand them,—I wish there were a few more like you.' +An then he +sed in a whisper, 'at that wor th' only box he had o' that sooart, in +fact ther'd niver nobbut been that an' another, a'n t'other wor sent as +a present to th' Duke o' Wellington, but th' Duke, he sed wornt hauf as +gooid a judge as aw wor; an' he'd sell me that box for two paand, an' +it +wor worth three. Aw wor beginnin to feel a bit sickly wi that aw wor +smokin, an' aw didn't care to tawk mich, an' as he hadn't given me onny +change, aw just nodded mi heead, and he had lapped up th' box in a +crack, and handed it me, an three soverings, an' wished me gooid day an +hoped aw'd call agean, and bowed me aght oth shop i' less time nor it +taks to tell it. As sooin as awd getten a few yards away, aw threw mi +cigar into th' street an' detarmined aw'd niver smook agean befoore +braikfast. Them cigars didn't last long, for ov coarse aw allus carried +a lot i' mi pocket, an' as that used to spoil' em a friend o' mine +persuaded me to buy a cigar case. He sell'd it me varry cheap, nobbut +ten shillin; an' then another gate me to subscribe a guinea to a +cricket +club, an' aw wondered ha it wor 'at aw'd niver made friends +wi' some o'th' members befoor, for they wor a nice lot. At th' end of +three days mi cigars wor all done, an' soa wor mi five paand nooat. All +aw had wor a empty cigar box, a pastboard cigar case worth abaat +sixpence, a ticket 'at entitled me to visit all th' cricket matches +free,—but as th' season wor just endin it wor o' noa +use,—an' had a +sooart ov an inklin 'at ther wor some truth i'mi father's words 'at aw +worn't old enuff to be trusted wi' brass.</p> + +<p>Aw went to bed, an' fell asleep withaat once thinkin abaat +thieves; an' +ther's noa daat 'at what yo loise i' brass yo oft tinles gain i' +knowledge, for aw niver forgate th' fate o mi furst five paand nooat.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Silly_Billy" id="Silly_Billy"></a>Silly +Billy.</h2> + +<p>He wor a queer sooart of a chap wor Billy—allus +makkin a fooil ov +hissen or else somedy wor makkin a fooil o' him. He wor a very quiet +chap too tho ivery nah an' then he gave hissen a bit ov a leetnin' +i'th' +shap ov a rant, or as he used to call it, a 'gooid brust.' It woint oft +he did that sooart o' thing, but when he did he carried it on for a +wick +or a fortnit, an' altho' his father had left a nice little farm for him +an' his mother, yet it sooin dwindled to nowt, for what wi' neglectin +his wark, an' spendin a bit o' brass, it wor like a cannel lit at +booath +ends, it sooin swealed up. Aw remember one day when he'd been drinkin +till his brass wor done, he coom hooam to ax his mother to give him +some +moor, an' coss shoo said shoo wod'nt he declared he'd set th' lathe o' +fire; but sho wodn't give him onny, soa he went into th' lathe, an' in +a +bit one o'th' neighbors saw him gaping at tother side o'th' street an' +went up to ax him what he wor starin at?</p> + +<p>"It'll tinkle tip in a bit," sed Billy an' in a bit it did +'tinkle up,' +for he'd set th' haymoo o' fire, an' in abaght an haar, booath th' +lathe +an' all 'at wor in it wor burned to th' graand. "Aw tell'd her aw'd do +it," he sed, "an' aw'm nooan to be licked when aw start."</p> + +<p>Th' poor owd woman wor sadly troubled, but what could shoo do, +for what +could ony body expect throo Silly Billy?</p> + +<p>Shoo used to have some queer ways did Nancy; an' one system o' +her's wor +allus to do iverything like clock wark. When Billy wor having one ov +his +bits o' sprees, an' stoped away for two or three days, shoo allus made +him his porrige ivery marnin, an' if he worn't thear to ait 'em shoo +put' em i'th' cupbord, all in a row, an' when he did come, he could'nt +get a bite o' owt else till he'd finished' em all, soa he used to start +at th' oldest furst, an' as th' owd woman kept on makkin moor ivery +mornin, it wor noa easy job to ovettak 'em, an' be able to sit daan to +a +warm meal. But like monny a one beside, altho' he wor soa mich put +abaght, it did'nt cure him; but when he'd had a doo, an' been two or +three days at cold poltices; as he call'd em, he used to say, "Niver +noa +moor! If aw once get ovver this, yo'll niver catch me at that bat +agean! +It's towt me a lesson 'as this." An' noa daat it had, but he varry +sooin +forgate it.</p> + +<p>Ov coarse, when th' brass wor all done, he had to work a bit, +an' aw +recollect when he started business ov his own hook, fowk used to plague +him sadly, an' weel they mud, for he gate a donkey an panniers an' +started to sell puttates an' greehs; but it soa happened, 'at one +mornin +he'd nobbut as monny puttates as ud fill one pannier, an' as he put' em +i' one it made it side heavy, soa he gate a lot o' big stooans an' put +'em i'th' tother to balance it a bit, an' then he started off. But he +hadn't gooan far when a chap met him an' sed, "what are ta sellin, +Billy?" "Aw'm hawkin puttates," he sed. "Why, what's all thease stooans +for, has ta started o' leeadin balder?" "Noa," he sed, (an' then gave +him a sly wink as mich as to say aw'l let thee into a secret), "but +does +ta see, aw'd nobbut as mich brass as ud buy one pannier full, soa aw +wor +foorced to put stooans it th' tother to mak it balance." "Why, +lumphead!" sed th' chap, "couldn't ta put one hauf into one, an' tother +into tother?" Billy scratched his heead for a minit an' then sed, +"e'ea! +but aw see a better road nor that—aw'l put hauf o'th' stooans +amang th' +puttates, an' hauf o'th' puttates, amang th' stooans, an' then aw'st be +sure to have it." "Why but cannot ta mak 'em balance baght stooans, tup +heead?" sed th' chap. "Ov coorse aw con! aw niver thowt o' that," sed +Billy, an' he started an' squared 'em aght. But he niver made mich aght +o' hawkin, for he could niver leearn th' difference between six dozen +dozens and hauf a dozen dozens, an fowk 'at wor sharper used to chait +him mony a bit.</p> + +<p>One queer thing abaght him wor he delighted i' singing, an' if +he heeard +a song 'at took his fancy he could remember it word for word. His +mother +says 'at he's tramped mony a scoor mile to hear a song at pleased him, +an' if ony body'd sing for him he'd give' em owt he had. One day, as he +wor gooin his raands he met wi a chap 'at wor hummin a bit ov a tune, +an' he hearken'd to him for a bit, an' at last he sed, "Maister, aw +should like to know that song, ha mich will yo taich it me for?" "Oh, +it's a patent is that, lad, aw should want a gooid deal if aw towt thee +that." "Why," he said, "aw'l gie thi a bunch o' turnips an' four pund +o' +puttates if tha'll sing it me twice ovver." "Nay," he sed, "wheniver aw +engage to sing, aw allus charge double, if aw'm honcoord; but I'll sing +it' once if tha'll throw a rooap o' onions into th' bargain." "Well, +tha'rt rather up i' thi price," he sed, "but aw'l agree soa start off." +They booath set daan o'th' rooad side, an' th' chap (he luk'd like a +gipsy), began:</p> + +<p>Aw'm as rich as a Jew, tho aw hav'nt a meg, But aw'm free as a +burd, an' +aw shak a loise leg; Aw've noa haase, an' noa barns, soa aw niver pay +rent, But still aw feel rich, for aw'm bless'd wi content, Aw live, an' +aw'm jolly, An' if it is folly, Let others be wise, but aw'l follow mi +bent.</p> + +<p>Mi kitchen aw find amang th' rocks up o'th' moor, An' at neet +under th' +edge ov a haystack aw snoor, An' a wide spreeadin branch keeps th' cold +rain off mi nop, Wol aw listen to th' stormcock 'at pipes up o'th top; +Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c.</p> + +<p>Aw niver fear thieves, for aw've nowt they can tak, Unless +it's thease +tatters' at hing o' mi back; An' if they prig them, they'lt get suck'd +do yo see, They'll be noa use to them, for they're little to me, Aw +live, an' aw'm jolly, &c.</p> + +<p>Fowk may turn up ther nooas as they pass me i'th' road, An' +get aght +o'th' gate as if feear'd ov a tooad, But aw laff i' mi sleeve, like a +snail in its shell, For th' less room they tak up, ther's all th' moor +for misel, Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c.</p> + +<p>Tho philosiphers tawk, an' church parsons may praich, An' tell +us true +joy is far aght ov us raich; Yet aw niver tak heed o' ther cant o' ther +noise, For he's nowt to be fear'd on 'at's nowt he can loise, Aw live, +an' aw'm jolly, &c.</p> + +<p>"By th' heart!" sed Billy, "aw nivver heeard sich a song as +that i' all +mi life! Tha mun sing it ageean for me, wi' ta?" "Nay lad, aw'm nooan +soa fond o' singin as that comes to." "By gow, but tha mun!" "Well if +aw +do aw'st want all th' puttates tha has left an' th' donkey an' all." +"Nay, Maister, that's rayther too hard, yo willn't want all th' lot +aw'l +niver believe, yo'l throw me summat off?" "Well, aw dooant want to be +hard o' ony body, but tha knows it's net to be expected aw shall taich +thee a song like that for nowt, but as tha seems to be a daycent sooart +ov a chap, if tha'll gie me th' donkey an' th' puttates aw'l mak thee a +present o'th' panniers." "An' is that th' lowest hawpenny tha'll tak? +Aw +wodn't bate a hair off th' donkey's tail at that price; tha knows if +tha +wants to hear some reglar classified music tha'll ha to pay." "Well, +blaze into it," sed Billy, "an' aw'l hug th' panniers mysel." "They're +net a gurt weight." sed th' chap, "an' aw dar say they'll luk as weel +o' +thee as o' it." An' wol Billy wor takkin 'em off th' donkey an' puttin +'em on to hissen, th' chap sang th' song ovver ageean, an' when he'd +done he walked off wi' th' donkey an' as mony puttates as he could hug, +an' Billy started off hooam wi his panniers ov his rig, singin, "Aw +live, an' aw'm jolly," wi such gusto wol th' fowk coom aght to see +whativer ther wor to do, an' when they saw him huggin th' panniers they +guessed what wor up, an' shook ther heeads, sarin, "Silly Billy!" Ov +coorse when he gate hooam he tell'd his mother abaght it, an' wad have +her listen to this new song. "Song, be hanged!" shoo sed, "aw'd a deal +rather hear that donkey rant nor all th' songs at iha con cram into thi +empty heead." An' away shoo went to get some fowk to follow th' chap +an' +get th' donkey back agean.</p> + +<p>Two or three sooin set off an' within a few yards o' where +Billy sed +he'd been, they fan it quietly nibblin a bit o' grass bith' side o' th' +gutter, for it seems th' chap had nobbut been havin a bit ov a joak, +an' +left it behund. They gate it hooam agean an'after Billy's mother had +given him a gooid tawkin to, th' thing dropt.</p> + +<p>But aw think aw'st niver forget a marlock some chaps played +him one day: +ther wor abaat six on 'em, an' they made it up to freeten him a bit, +an' +mak him believe he wor baan to dee; soa just as he coom off th' corner +o' one o' th' streets, a chap steps up to him.—"Gooid mornin, +Billy! ha +does ta feel this mornin, lad?" "Oh! Furst rate!" "Why aw'm fain to +hear +it," he sed, "but, by th' heart! lad! tha luk's ill'!" "Does ta think +aw +do?" "Eea, aw'm sure tha does!" "Why aw dooant feel to ail owt 'at aw +know on,' but aw dooant think 'at this hawkin agrees wi me so weel." +"Happen net, Billy! it doesn't agree wi ivery body, but tha mun tak +care +o' thisen, nah do!" When he'd getten a bit farther another chap met +him:—"Well Billy!" he sed, "ha's trade lukkin this mornin +lad?" "Things +is lukkin rayther black this mornin." "Tha luks white enuff onyway, has +ta been havin another wick o' 'cold porrige aitin?" "Nay aw hav'nt! but +aw dooant feel quite as weel as aw do sometimes, for aw fancy this job +doesn't agree wi me." "Aw dooant think it does bi' th' luk on thi, if +tha gooas on tha'll be able ta tak a lodger i' that suit o' clooas, +tha'll ha room enuff,—but tak care o' thisen, lad." Poor +Billy wor +beginnin to feel poorly already, but when another met him an' axed him +if it wor h' furst time he'd been aght latly, it knock'd th' breeath +reig aght on him. He tried to shaat "puttates!" but he nobbut gate hauf +way throo, for when he'd sed "put!" he had'nt breeath left to say +"tates." "This'll niver do," he said, "aw mun goa hooam an' to bed, its +noa gooid trailin abaat th' streets this fashion, a'a, ha badly aw do +feel! an' all's come on soa sudden! A'a, man! man! what are +ta?—as +sooin as th' organ strings get aght o' tune, tha'rt noa moor fit for +nor +a barrel baght bottom, nor as mich! for they could turn a barrel tother +end up; but man! a'a dear a me!" "Gee up, Neddy, aw'm feeard tha'll +sooin have to luk aght for a new maister."</p> + +<p>When Billy gate hooam wi' his donkey, his mother wor fair +capt. "What's +up, Billy," shoo sed, "Has ta sell'd up?" "Nay, mother, aw've nooan +sell'd up, but aw'm ommost done up: get that bed ready an' let me lig +me +daan a bit." "Why what's th' matter? Has ta hurt thi or summat?" "Noa, +but aw'm varry poorly." "Where does ta feel to ail owt, lad!" "Aw +dooant +know, aw think it's all ovver me, dooant yo think aw luk ill, mother?" +"Luk ill! why tha knows lad, aw dooant think it's allus safe to judge +fowk bi ther luks, but aw mun say aw nivver saw thi lookin better i' mi +life." "Why but aw must be poorly, mother, for two or three fowk has +tell'd me soa this marnin." Just then three or four heeads pop'd off +th' +side o' th' jawm an' set up a gurt laff. Billy luk'd an' saw it wor th' +same chaps 'at had been tell in him ha ill he luk'd. "A'a Billy!" sed +his mother, "aw wonder when tha'll leearn a bit o' wit, tha sees +they've +nobbut been makkin gam on thee." "Aw see," he sed, "but they've nooan +chaited me soa varry far after all, for aw'm blow'd if aw iver did +believe it! Gee up, Neddy!" an' away he went to his wark.</p> + +<p>But like monny a chap 'at's considered rayther soft, he worn't +all soft, +an' one bit ov a trick he did is worth tellin. He'd been aght one day +tryin to sell some red yearin, but it seemed as if noabdy wanted owt o' +that sooart that day, an' as he wor commin back, a lot o' chaps wor +stood at th' corner o' th' fold, an' one on 'em stop'd him an says, "Ha +is it tha'rt bringin thi yearin back agean?" "Coss ther's noabdy 'll +buy' em," sed Billy. "Well what does ta want for em?" "Aw'l tak owt aw +can get, if aw can find a customer, but aw'st net find one here aw +know." "Come dooant tawk so fast, Billy!" sed th' chap, winkin at his +mates, "ha mich are they worth?" "They should be worth ninepence." +"Well +aw'l bet thee hauf a crown 'at aw can find thee a customer, if tha'll +take what he offers thee for em." "Well aw dooant oft bet," sed Billy, +"but aw'l bet thee haulf a craan if tha offers me a price aw'l tak it." +"Done," sed th' chap, an' th' stakes wor put into a friend's hand to +hold. "Nah then!" he sed, "aw'! gie thee a penny for th' lot." "They're +thine," sed Billy, an' he handed 'em ovver. "That's nooan a bad trade," +he sed, "a penny an' hauf-a-craan for ninepennorth o' yearin." Th' chap +sa'w 'at he wor done, an' he luk'd rayther dropt on, an' ov coarse his +mates wor suited. "Niver heed," sed Billy "aw dooant like to be hard o' +anybody, soa if tha doesn't want 'em aw'l buy' em back at th' same +price." "By gow, Billy! tha'rt a trump," sed th' chap, "tak th' yearins +an' gie me hold o'th' brass." Billy took th' yearings, an' handed him a +penny. "Nay! gieme th' hauf-craan an' all," sed th' chap. "Nooan soa, +sed Billy, aw've gien thee th' same price for' em as tha gave me, an' +aw +know aw'm net as sharp as some, but as aw've ninepenorth o' yearin +left, +an a hauf-a-craan moor i' mi pocket, aw fancy aw've made a profit. An' +th' next time tha wants to mak a fooil ov a chap, start o' somdy 'at's +less wit nor this en, an' then tha weant be dropt on."</p> + +<p>That wornt a bad move ov a chap they call Silly Billy.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Put_up_wi_it" id="Put_up_wi_it"></a>Put +up wi' it.</h2> + +<p>Aw think aw could tell what day it wor th o' aw didn't know if +aw could +see a lot o' factry fowk gooin to ther wark. Mondy's easy to tell, +becoss th' lasses have all clean approns on, an' ther hair hasn't lost +its Sundy twists, an' twines ther faces luk ruddier an' ther een +breeter. Tuesdy, ther's a change; they're not quite as prim lukkin! +ther +topping luk fruzzier, an' ther's net as monny shignons as ther wor th' +day before. Wednesday,—they just luk like hard-workin fowk +'at live to +wark an' wark to live. Ther's varry few faces have a smile on 'em, an' +th' varry way they set daan ther clogs seems to say, "Wark-a-day, +Live-a-day, Laik-a-day, Get-noa-pay; Rain-or-noa, Bun-to-goa." +Thursdy.—They luk cross, an' ther heeads are abaat +hauf-a-yard i' +advance o' ther tooas. Ther clogs seem to ha made up ther mind net to +goa unless they're made. Friday.—That's pay day. Noa matter +ha full +ther belly may be, ther's a hungry luk abaat ther een; an'ther's a lot +on 'em huggin baskets; an' yo can see it written i' ther faces 'at if +they dar leeave as sooin as they've getten ther bit o' brass they wod. +Then comes Setterday —Short day—an' yo can tell th' +difference as +sooin as yo clap een on' em. They're all i' gooid spirits. They luk at +th' church clock as they pass, an' think it'll sooin be nooin, an' +then!—An' then what? Why, then they'll have a day an' a hauf +for +thersen—abaat one fifth o' ther life—one fifth o' +ther health an' +strength for thersen. That doesn't luk mich, but ther fain on it. They +owt to be thankful becoss they live in a free country. They can suit +thersen's whether they do that, or go to th' workhaase. Justice, they +say, is blind, an' if Freedom isn't, shoo must be put to th' blush +sometimes.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Who'd be a slave, when +Freedom smiling stands,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To strike the gyves from +of his fettered hands?</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Who'd be a slave, and +cringe, and bow the knee,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And kiss the hand that +steals his liberty?</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Behold the bird that +flits from bough to bough;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">What though at times the +wintry blasts may blow,—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Happier it feels, half +frozen in its nest,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Than caged, though fed +and fondled and caressed.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Tis said, 'on Briton's +shore no slave shall dwell,'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But have you heard not +the harsh clanging bell,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Or the discordant +whistles' yelling voice,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">That says, 'Work slave, +or starve! That is your choice!'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And have you never seen +the aged and grey,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Panting along its +summons to obey;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Whilst little children +run scarce half awake,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Sobbing as tho' ther +little hearts would break</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And stalwart men, with +features stern and grave,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">That seem to say, "I +scorn to be a slave."</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He is no +slave;—he is a Briton free,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A noble sample of +humanity.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">This may be +liberty,—the ass, the horse,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Wear out their lives in +routine none the worse.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They only toil all +day,—then eat and sleep,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They have no wife or +children dear to keep.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Better, far better, is +the tattered lout,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Who, tho' all so-called +luxuries without,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Can stand upon the +hill-side in the morn,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And watch the shadows +flee as day is born.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tho' with a frugal meal +his fast he breaks,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And from the spring his +crystal draught he takes,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Better, far better, +seems that man to mel</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For he owns Heaven's +best gift,—his liberty.</span><br> + +<p>Aw dooant believe i' idleness—aw hate a chap 'at's +too lazy to do his +share—but what aw dooant like is 'at he should have to wark +just +exactly when, an' whear, an' for just soa mich (or, aw owt to say, just +soa little) as another chap thinks fit. They'll say, if he doesn't like +it he can leave it. Happen net—may be he can't get owt else, +an' he's a +haase an' family to luk after. Then they'll say, 'if he can't better +hissen he mun <i>put up wi' it.</i>' That's what he is +dooin, an' it's +<i>puttin up wi' it</i> 'at's makkin him soa raand +shouldered. It's +<i>puttin up wi' it</i> 'at's made them hollow cheeks an' +dull heavy een.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="A_Queer_Dream" id="A_Queer_Dream"></a>A +Queer Dream.</h2> + +<p>Eight haars wark, eight haars play, eight haars sleep, an' +eight shillin +a day.—That saands nice; but them 'at live to see it will +live to see +moor nor aw it expect to see. Patience is a varty, soa let's have +patience. Things are better nor they wor, an' they're bun to improve. +Th' thin end o' th' wedge has getten under th' faandation o' that idol +'at tyranny an' fraud set up long sin, an' although fowk bow to it yet, +they dooant do it wi' th' same reverence. Give it a drive wheniver +you've a chonce, an' some day yo'll see it topple ovver, an' once daan +it'll crumble to bits, an' can niver be put up agean. I' th' paper +t'other day, aw saw a report ov a speech whear a chap kept mentionin +his +three thaasand hands. He sed nowt abaat three thasand men an' +wimmen—they wor his 'hands'—his three thaasand +human machines, an' aw +couldn't help thinkin 'at it wor a pity 'at they'd iver been born wi' +heads an' hearts, they owt to ha been all <i>hands,</i> +an' then they'd ha +suited him better. An' he seemed to think bi th' way he tawk'd, 'at but +for him theas three thaasand <i>hands</i> wad ha had to +starve, but +Providence had raised him up o' purpose to find 'em summat to do. He +didn't throw aght a hint 'at but for his three thaasand <i>hands</i> +he'd a +niver ha been i' Parliament. He didn't think he owed' em owt, net he! +What wor he born for? Why, ov coarse, he wor born to have three +thaasand +<i>hands</i>. An' what wor th' hands born for? To work for +him. It's simple +enuff if you can nobbut see it. Aw had a dream t'other neet, aw'l tell +yo abaat it. Aw thowt ther wor a little chap, he didn't stand moor nor +abaat six or seven inches heigh, but he wor dress'd like a king, an' he +had a sceptre in his hand, an' he had hundreds, may be thaasands, for +aw +couldn't caan't 'em, ov <i>hands</i> (aw should call 'em +men an' wimmen, +but he call'd 'em <i>hands</i>), an' they each stood abaat +six feet. Some +wor daycently clooathed, an' some wor hardly clooathed at all, an' they +wor all working to build him a palace; but they wor building it as big +as if a thaasand giants wor to live in it, an' th' stooans an' timbers +wor soa heavy wol they ommost sank under ther looads; an' at times they +seemed soa worn aght 'at aw thowt they'd be foorced to give it up. But +th' little king coom strutting raand wi' his sceptre, an' they lifted +him up i' ther arms, one bi' one, an' he patted' em o' ther cheeks, an' +then they set him daan agean an' went on wi' ther wark, an' he went +back +to his velvet cushions an' ligged daan an' laff'd. But ther Iooads kept +gettin heavier, an' at last they wor soa worn aght 'at they detarmined +to goa an' ax him to ease 'em a bit or to give 'em a rest; but when +they +spake to him he jumpt up an' shook his sceptre at 'em, an' as sooin as +they saw that they all ran back to ther wark terrified aght o' ther +wit, +an' he ordered ther looads to be made heavier still, an' if one on em +offered to complain he shook his sceptre, an' he ran back to his +labour. +Aw wondered to mysen whativer this sceptre could be made on 'at should +mak it be such a terror to 'em, an' aw crept behund him wol he wor +asleep, an' put it i' mi pocket, an' then aw hid behund a pillar to +watch 'em. In a bit some on' em grew tired an' luk'd towards th' king, +an' he jumpt up an' felt for his sceptre, but it had gooan, an' then +they rubbed ther een an' luk'd at him, an' then they laff'd an' call'd +all t'others to join' em. Then they picked up th' little king to luk +at, +an' they all laff'd, an' th' moor he stormed an' th' better it suited +'em, an' they put him on a square stooan an' made him donce a jig, an' +wol he wor dancing aw tuk aght th' septre to Iuk at, an' aw saw it wor +a +ten paand nooat rolled up like a piece o' pipe stopper, an' a hauf a +sovereign at th' end on it. Then they all set up a gurt shaat an' went +off, leavin him to build his own palace, an' as they hustled past me aw +wakkened.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="The_Mystery_of_Burts_Babby" id="The_Mystery_of_Burts_Babby"></a>The Mystery of +Burt's Babby</h2> + +<p>Chapter I.</p> + +<p>It sets me thinkin', sometimes, when aw tak a rammel abaat th' +hills an' +valleys o' mi own neighborhood, what i' th' name o' fortun' maks ivvery +body lang to get as far away throo hooam as they can to enjoy thersens. +Change o' air may be gooid nah an' then; but as aw've travelled a bit +misen, an' visited all them spots 'at they favour mooast, an' seen ha +fowk conduct thersens 'at goa for th' benefit o' ther health, it +strikes +me 'at change o' air is a varry poor excuse, for it's just a spree 'at +they goa for, an' nowt else, nine times aght o' ten.</p> + +<p>Last June, aw had two or three days to call mi own (an', by +gow! if yo +nivver worked in a miln, yo dooant knaw what a blessing that is), an' +aw +tuk a walk as far as Pellon, an' then dahn throo Birks Hall an' ovver +th' Shrogs to Ovenden, then throo Illingworth to Keighley, an' on as +far +as Steeton. (Ony body 'at thinks that isn't fur enuff for one day can +try it thersen, an' see ha they like it.)</p> + +<p>When aw gets to th' Gooat's Heead, aw wor fain to sit daan an' +rest a +bit. A pint o' ale ran daan mi throit just like teemin it daan a sink +pipe, an' when aw set daan to th' cold roast beef an' pickled cabbage; +well, yo' may think aw did it justice, but aw didn't, for that mait had +nivver done me ony harm, an' th' way aw punished it was disgraceful, +tho' I say it misen; an' when th' landlady coom in to tak away th' bit +ther wor left (an' it worn't mich), aw saw her luk raand to mak sure +'at +ther wor nobbut one 'at had been pickin' off that. Aw felt soa shamed +'at aw wor ivver so long befor' aw dar ax her ha much aw owed, an' when +shoo said eightpence, aw blushed like a pyannet, and paid it, but aw +knew varry weel 'at aw wor a shillin' i' debt then if ivverybody had +ther own. Hasumivver shoo were satisfied; in fact, shoos allus +satisfied, shoo'd nivver ha' been as big as shoo is if shoo let little +things bother her (an shoo has lots o' bonny little things running +abaat). Well, aw went to bed, an' slept till mornin'. Aw can't say +whether all were quiet or not, for nowt could ha' disturbed me, aw +believe aw should ha' slept saandly if ther'd been Sowerby Brig Local +Booard o' one side, an' th' Stainland School Booard o' t'other, an' th' +Haley Hill bell ringers playin' "Hail, smilin' morn." at th' bed feet. +But all this has nowt to do wi what aw intended tell in' yo abaat.</p> + +<p>Next mornin aw gate up, an' after braikfast (sich a braikfast! +aw nivver +felt soa stuck up i' all mi life as aw felt after gettin' that +braikfast, aw couldn't even bend to see if mi shoes were blackened) aw +set aght agean, an' went as far as Silsden. Nah, for th' information o' +fowk at wor nivver thear, aw may as weel tell yo a thing or two. +Silsden +wor nivver planned, it grew, just like th' brackens i' th' woods, +throwin' aght a branch one way or another, as it thowt fit. Thers one +or +two fact'rys, a nail shop or two, two or three brigs, some nice +chapels, +an' th' rummest owd pile for a church' at yo'll meet in a day's march; +a +lot o' nice, clean cottages, tenanted wi strong men an' hearty lukkin +women, wi hearts i' ther breasts as big as bullocks, an' as monny +childer raand th' doors as if they wor all infant schooils; an' a varry +fair sprinklin' o' public haases.</p> + +<p>Nah monny a one would wonder ha soa monny fowks could live an' +thrive i' +sich a place—aw wonder misen; an' some wod wonder whear all +th' fowk +coom throo to fill ther chapels an' church: but aw doant wonder at +that, +for wheriver there's a lot o' wimmen an' lasses 'at can spooart nice +Sunday clooas there's sure to be a lot 'at'll goa to places o' worship +to show' em; an' whear th' lasses, are, there will th' lads be also. +(Aw +believe that's a quotation, but awm net sure.) An' th' +publics—they +tell me they niver wod ha' been able to get on at all if it hadn't been +for th' Sunday closin', but as sooin as fowk see th' doors shut they +begin to feel dry, an' as th' constable is a chap' at wodn't lower his +dignity bi goin' to see if fowks back doors wor oppen, things wark +pratty weel. It wor at th' Red Lion aw thawt aw'd stop this time +(that's +whear iverybody stops 'at knows what gooid grub is; an' it's worth +sixpence any time to see Tommy's face when he's mad, an' a shillin to +see his wife's an' hear her laff when shoo's suited). It wor here 'at +this tale wor tell'd to me—its's rayther sorrowful, but then +it may +happen to be relished bi some 'at read it.</p> + +<p>Sally Bray worn't a beauty, but shoo wor what yo'd call a nice +lass. Her +hair an' een wor black as sloes, an' her cheeks wor ommost as red as +her +lips, an' they wor like cherries; her teeth wor as white as a china +cup, +but her noas worn't mich to crack on. Shoo wor rayther short an' dumpy, +but ther wor allus sich a pleasant smile abaat her face, an' shoo wor +soa gooid tempered at ivvery body liked her an' had a kind word for +"awr +Sal," as they called her. Nah Sally worn't like other lasses in one +respect, shoo nivver tawked abaat having a felly, an' if others sed owt +abaat sweethearts an' trolled her for net havin' one, shoo'd luk at 'em +wi her een blazin' like two fireballs, but nivver a word could they get +her to say. Shoo had noa father or mother, nor any relation i' th' +world, unless it wor a brother, an' shoo didn't know whether he wor +livin' or net, for he'd run away to sea when a little lad, an' shoo'd +nivver heeard on him agean; but it wor noaticed 'at when once a sailor +happened to call at th' Lion one day, 'at shoo showed him moor favor +nor +shoo'd showed any body else, an' even sat beside him for an haar, to +hear him tell abaat ships an' storms. Well, he wor th' only one shoo +ivver had showed any fancy for, an' he wor th' last, for little moor +nor +a year after that Sally had gooan.</p> + +<p>Chapter II.</p> + +<p>One mornin', about eight or nine months after that sailor's +visit, a +young farmer happened to be walkin' across one o' th' fields 'at formed +a part o' th' Crow Tree Farm, when he saw a little hillock wi' fresh +gathered wildflowers, an' bending daan wondering at sich a thing should +be i' sich a place, all lonely an' barren, he noticed some fresh soil +scattered raand it. Rooting wi his fingers, he sooin com to a little +bundle, an' what should he see when he oppened it, but a bonny little +babby, lukkin' as sweet an' pure as th' flaars 'at had been strewed +ower +it.</p> + +<p>He wor a rough sooart ov a young chap, but noabody could ha +handled that +little thing more tenderly nor he did. "That's noa place to bury the +likes o' thee," he sed; "aw dooant know who or what tha art, but tha +shall have a better burying place nor that, if aw have to pay for it +misen."</p> + +<p>He folded it up carefully, an' carried it to th' farmhouse +cloise by, +an' when he entered it, slowly an' solemnly, an' laid his strange +bundle +on th' table, th' farmer's wife and dowters gethered raand an' eagerly +axed "What's to do, Burt? What has to getten thear? Thou luks as if +tha'd stown summat." "Aw've stown nowt, but aw've fun summat, an' aw've +browt it here to be takken care on, wol aw cun tell what to do wi' it." +He unteed his kertchey, an' when they saw what were in it th' lasses +shriked an' ran away, declaring they'd ha' nowt to do wi' it; but th' +owd woman luked at it a minit, and then turnin' to Burt, shoo sed, +"Burt, is this some o' thy work, or what is it? Tell me all abaat it, +an' mind tha spaiks truth."</p> + +<p>Burt telled all he knew, an' wol he wor repeatin' ivvery thing +just as +it happened, owd Mary (that's what th' farmer's wife wor allus called) +wor examinin' th' little thing, an' handlin' it as noabody but an owd +mother can handle sich tender things, "Why, Burt," shoo sed, "it cannot +ha' been thear monny minits, for it's warm yet." "Here, lasses," shoo +cried, "get me some warm water. Luk sharp, aw'm blessed if aw believe +th' little thing's deead." An' th' owd woman wor reight, for it, hadn't +been long i' th' warm watter when it opened its little peepers. An' if +onybody can say 'at Burt cannot dance a single step, Heelan' fling, a +hornpipe, an' owt else, all at once, aw say they lie, for th' way he +capered raand that kitchen wor a caution.</p> + +<p>"Aw fun it, an' it belangs to me," he sed; "get aght o' th' +gate, +there's noabody nowt to do wi' that but me."</p> + +<p>"Hold thi din, tha gurt maddlin', are ta wrang i' thi head? +Does ta +think tha can suckle a child?" This sooart o' sobered him. "Aw nivver +thowt o' that," he sed, "cannot yo' suckle it for me, Mary?" "If tha +tawks sich tawk to me, aw'll mash thi head wi th' rollin' pin; my +suckling days wor ower twenty years sin."</p> + +<p>"Well, one o' th' lasses 'll happen suckle it for me," he sed. +At this +t'dowters flew at him like two wild cats, an' wanted to know "if he'd +owt to say agen their karracters?"</p> + +<p>"Awve nowt to say agean noboddy's karracters," he sed, "but aw +know this +mich, 'at if aw wor a gurt young woman like one o' yo, aw could suckle +a +bit o' a thing like that, Why it doesn't weigh four pund." "Burt," said +owd Mary, "tha doesn't know what tha'art tawkin' abaat, aw'll luk after +this if tha'll goa an' fotch a cunstable as sharp as tha con."</p> + +<p>"What mun aw fotch a cunstable for? yo' ain't going to have it +locked +up, are yo'?"</p> + +<p>"Noa, but aw want to find th' woman that belangs to it."</p> + +<p>"Ther isn't noa woman at belangs to it," sed Burt, "it belangs +to me, aw +fun it. Aw'm blowed if it isn't trying to tawk, did ta hear it, Mary?"</p> + +<p>"A'a soft-heead, that's th' wind 'at its gettin' off its +stummack. Away +wi thi an' fotch th' cunstable, as aw tell thi. But befoor tha gooas, +bring me a drop o' new milk aght o' th' mistal, an' get me a bit o' +breead, an' awl see if it'll tak some sops."</p> + +<p>Burt hurried off, an' in a minit wor back wi a can holdin' +abaat two +gallons, an' a looaf ommast as big as th' faandation stooan for a +church.</p> + +<p>"Nay, Burt, what will ta do next, aw'm sure tha's gooan clean +off thi +side. Tha's browt moor milk nor ud feed all th' childer i' Silsden for +a +month."</p> + +<p>"Doant yo' be feeared abaat th' milk," sed Burt, "awl pay for +it; let it +have summat to ait. Tun summat into it. Aw wonder if it ud like a drop +o' hooam-brewed?" "If tha doesn't mak thisen scarce aw'll break ivvery +booan i' thi skin. Haven't aw getten enuff to do wi' this brat, withaat +been bothered wi' thee! Go and fetch that cunstable when aw tell thi."</p> + +<p>"Well, if aw mun goa, aw'll goa, but mind what yo're doing +with that +thing, an' dooant squeeze it." After lukkin' at it once moor, an' +seeing +it sneeze, he started off to th' village happier nor any man within a +hundred mile.</p> + +<p>It didn't tak Burt long to find th' cunstable, for he knew th' +haase +where he slept most ov his time, and they wor sooin up at owd Mary's. +They'd a fine time when they gat there too, for th' child wer asleep, +and Mary refused to let onybody disturb it. Burt declared it wor his, +an +he'd a reight to see it when he liked; an'th' cunstable sed he wor +armed +wi law an' should tak it into custody whether it wor asleep or net. +Mary's husband wor upstairs confined to bed wi rhumatics, but th' +dowters had tell'd him all abaat Burt's adventure, an' as he could hear +all 'at wor sed, he furst began to feel uneasy, an' then to loise his +temper, soa he seized his crutch an' ran daan stairs like a lad o' +sixteen, an' laid abaat him reight an' left, an' i' less nor a minit +Burt, th' cunstable, an' owd Mary wor aghtside.</p> + +<p>"Nah," he sed, as he stood i' th' doorhoil, puffin' an' +blowin', wi' his +crutch ovver his shoulder, like a musket, "Aw'll let yo see whose child +that is! It wor fun i' my field, an' it belangs to me. What my land +produces belangs to me, noa matter whether it's childer or chicken +weed!" Things wor i' this state when one o' th' dowters showed her +heead +aght o' th' winder an' cried, "Mother, it's wakkened, an' it's suckin' +it's thumb as if it wor clammed to deeath." "Mary," sed th' owd man, +"does ta mean to starve that child to deeath? coss if tha cannot luk +after it, aw'll luk after it mysel'." This wor th' signal for all to +goa +inside, an' a bonnier pictur' yo nivver saw nor that war when owd Mary +sat wi' that little thing on her lap, givin' it sops, an' three big, +strong, but kind-hearted fellows, sat raand, watchin' ivvery bit it tuk +as if ther own livin' depended on it. Ther war a gooid deeal o' +'fendin' +an' provin', but whear that child coom fra an' who wor it's mother +noabody could tell. Time passed, an' as Mary sed th' child thrived like +wood, an' ivverybody called it "Burt's Babby." Burt wor a decent, +hard-workin' lad, an' had for a long time luk'd longin'ly at one o' +Mary's dowters, an' one day ther wor a stir i' th' village, an' Burt +war +seen donned up like a dummy at a cloas shop, an' wi' a young woman +linked to his arm as if shoo thowt he wor goin' to flyaway, an' it +wanted all her weight to keep him daan, an' claise behind, wor th' owd +farmer an' his wife, owd Mary Muggin, an' th' little babby.</p> + +<p>It didn't tak th' parson monny minits to tee' em together for +better an' +for worse, an' then Burt took th' babby an' gave it to his bride, +sayin', "Here's summat towards haase keepin' anyway.", An' shoo tuk it +an' kussed it as if it had been ther own. They went to live at a nice +little farm, an' th' owd fowk gave' em a gooid start. Sally Bray had +allus shown a fondness for Burt's babby, 'at fowk could hardly accaant +for, an' shoo went an' offered her sarvices as sarvant an' nurse, an' +nivver did ony body seem soa fond of a child as Sally did o' that.</p> + +<p>Things went on nicely for a while, an' then th' scarlet fever +coom; +every day saw long sorrowful processions follerin' little coffins, an' +ivery body luk'd sad an' spake low.</p> + +<p>At last, Burt's babby wor takken sick, an' all they could do +couldn't +save it, an' early one mornin' it shut it's een, an' went its way to +join those 'at had gone before.</p> + +<p>Burt an' his wife wor varry mich troubled, but it war Sally +Bray 'at +suffered mooast. They couldn't get her to leave that cold still form, +soa they left her with it till her grief should be softened; an' when +some time had passed, they went to call her, but it wor no use, for her +spirit had goan to tend Burt's babby.</p> + +<p>After shoo wor buried, some papers were picked aght o' one o' +Sally's +boxes, and it were sed' at they explained all, but what they were Burt +an' his wife nivver telled, so it still remains a mystery.</p> + +<p>At th' grave side stood a fine young chap, who dropt monny a +tear as th' +coffin wor lowered. He wor sed to be verry like that strange sailor 'at +had once before visited th' village. When Burt passed him he gave him a +purse, sayin' "for a gravestone," and went away noabody knew whear. +Some +sed it was Sally's brother, but noabody seems to know.</p> + +<p style="text-align: left;">Anybody 'at likes to tak a +walk an' call at that little graveyard can +see a plain stoan 'at says<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><br> + +</span></p> + +<div style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"> +SALLY BRAY, AN' BURT'S BABBY. +</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"> +</span></div> + +<p style="text-align: left;"><span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"></span></p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Mak_th_best_ont" id="Mak_th_best_ont"></a>Mak +th' best on't.</h2> + +<p>They say it taks nine tailors to mak a man. Weel, all aw have +to say +abaat it is, 'at aw've known some men i' mi time, 'at it ud tak +nineteen +to mak a tailor. Why some simpletons seem to think 'at they've a right +to mak fun ova chap becoss he's a tailor, aw can't see. They're +generally praad enuff o' ther clooas—then why not be praad o' +th' fowk +'at mak 'em. Ther's a deal o' fowk 'at wodn't be as weel off as they +are +if it worn't for th' tailors. But it's noa use tawkin, for ther's some +'at couldn't live if they didn't find summat to say a word agean.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A little word 'at's easy +sed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Sometimes may heal a smart;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A cruel word or luk +instead,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">May help to braik a heart.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Men hang together like a +chain,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Tho' varied be ther plan;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Each link hangs by +another link,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">Man hangs to brother man.</span><br> + +<p>But a gooid word throo some is as scarce as a white crow. +They're +iverlastingly lukking aght for faults an' failins, an' gooid words an' +gooid deeds are things they niver think are due to onnybody but thersen.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Life's pathway could oft +be made pleasant,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">If fowk wor to foller this +plan;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Throo a prince ov the +throne to a peasant,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To do a gooid turn when +they can.</span><br> + +<p>But they'll nawther do a gooid turn thersen nor let onybody +else do one +if they can help it. They seem to be born wi' soa mich eliker i' ther +blooid 'at if they come i' contact wi' ony sweet milk o' human +kindness, +'at it curdles it. Whether it's ther own fault or th' fault o' ther +mother aitin too many saar gooisberries before they wor born aw can't +tell. Aw've met some soa ill contrived 'at they wodn't let th' sun +shine +on onybody's puttaty patch but ther own if they could help it.</p> + +<p>Nah this class o' fowk have generally one or two noations o' +ther own +'at they think iverybody else owt to be ruled by. One'll be a strict +teetotaller, an' consider 'at onybody 'at taks a drop o' drink is gooin +to a place whear top coits wiln't be needed. Another belangs to some +sect, an' doesn't hesitate to say 'at onybody 'at gooas to a Concert +Hall has signed a contract wi' that dark complexioned owd snoozer 'at +wears horns an' wags a tail. They've been at th' trouble to chalk aght +a +line for iverybody else to walk on, tho' they know varry weel 'at they +dooant allus keep to it thersen when ther's nubdy lukkin.</p> + +<p>Well, let them 'at relish th' saars have' em to ther hearts' +content, +but dooant try to prevent other fowk havin some o' th' sweets. Aw'm one +o' them 'at likes th' sweets best, an' if they'll nobbut let me alooan +aw'll promise niver to mell o' them.</p> + +<p>Grooanin, mooanin, an' grummelin, is abaat th' warst way o' +spendin +one's time. If yo come in for a lot o' gooid things, enjoy 'em wol +yo've +th' chance, an' dooant pass by ivery flaar 'at smiles along yor path +for +fear yo may find a twitch-clock i' one. An' if things dooant turn aght +just as gooid as yo'd like' em, try to mak th' best o' th' bit o' gooid +ther is in 'em.</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They tell me this +world's full o' trouble,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' each one comes in for +a share;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' pleasure they say is +a bubble,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">'At gooas floating away up +in th' air.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But aw'll niver give way +to repinin,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Tho' th' claads may luk +gloomy an' black,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For they all have a +silvery linin,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">An' some day shall breeten +awr track.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Let other fowk brood +o'er ther sorrow,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">From each day enjoyment +we'll borrow,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">Let to-morrow tak care +ov to-morrow,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">An strive to be happy +to-day.<br> + +<br> + +</span> +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Mrs_Spaiktruths_Pairty" id="Mrs_Spaiktruths_Pairty"></a>Mrs Spaiktruth's +Pairty.</h2> + +<p>It ud be a gooid thing if somdy could find a remedy for +backbitin an' +gossipin:—for lyin an' stailin an' a lot moor things o'th' +same sooart +'at's varry common. Last year aw gate an invitation to a woman's tea +drinkin, an' ov coarse aw went, for aw niver miss a chonce o' enjoyin +mysen if aw can do it withaat mich expense. Th' warst o' this do wor' +at +ther wor noa man amang, em but me, an' aw shouldn't a been thear, but +Mistress Spaiktruth wanted me to repoart th' speeches, an' as shoo wor +givin th' pairty shoo set at th' end o'th' table an' teem'd aght th' +teah an' Mistress Snipenooas put th' rum in. After iverybody had getten +supplied ther wor quietness for abaat five minutes, an' altho' nobdy +wanted owt to ait, fatty cakes an' buttered muffins went aght o'th' +seet +like winkin. After th' second cup one or two began whisperin a bit, an' +after th' third, it wor like being i' th' middle ov a lot o' geese; +they +wor all cacklin at once, an' judging bi th' smiles o' ther faces they +felt very happy. When th' pots wor sided (an' they'd takken gooid care +to leave nowt but th' pots to side), they drew up in a ring raand th' +fire, an' Mrs. Spaiktruth wor put i'th' rockin chair to rule th' +proceedins.</p> + +<p>'Nah, lasses,' shoo sed, 'aw havnt mich to say nobbut to tell +yo all at +yor varry welcome, an' aw hooap yo've all made a gooid drinkin ('we +have +lass!') 'an aw hooap we shall have some gooid speeches throo some on +yo', for aw know thers some gooid tawkers amang yo, but this year's +meetin is to be conducted on a different plan to onny we've had befoor. +Ther hasn't to be ony gossipin or backbitin, an' them 'at cannot say a +few words withaat scandalizin ther neighbours, blagardin ther own +husbands, or throwin aght hints likely to injure sombdy's else, munnot +spaik at all.'</p> + +<p>When Mrs. Spaiktruth had finished, th' wimmen luk'd one at +another, fast +what to mak on it. Two or three o'th' older end settled thersen daan +for +a sleep, an' th' rest luk'd as faal as a mule i' th' sulks. Aw pooled +aght mi book to tak daan th' speeches, an' this is my +repooart.—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><i>1st +Speech.</i>—'Let's goa lasses.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><i>2nd +Speech.</i>—'Ther's nowt to stop here for.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><i>3rd +Speech.</i>—'Aw'll goa too, awm feard o' goin bi mysen +i' th'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">dark.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><i>4th +Speech.</i>—'Awr childer'll be waitin for me.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><i>5th +Speech.</i>—'It's my weshin day to morn, soa aw want to +get to</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">bed i' daycent time.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;"><i>6th +Speech.</i>—(Five or six at once) 'Come on.'</span><br> + +<p>Th' meetin braik up varry early, an' as sooin as they'd getten +aght +side, aw heeard 'em sayin 'at Mistress Spaiktruth wor naa better nor +shoo should be, an' if shoo thowt shoo could put on airs wi' them shoo +wor varry mich mistakken, an' as for gossipin, shoo wor th' longest +tongued woman i' th' neighbourhood, an' they declared they'd niver +enter +a haase shoo kept agean. Aw saw Mrs. Spaiktruth next day, an' aw sed, +'ther worn't mich tawkin at yor teah drinkin last neet,' shoo smiled, +but all shoo sed wor 'Silence is better nor slander.'</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Why_Tommy_isnt_a_Deacon" id="Why_Tommy_isnt_a_Deacon"></a>Why Tommy isn't a +Deacon.</h2> + +<p>Tommy wor allus considered to be th' tip top in his trade. His +worn't a +common sooart ov a callin like wayvin, or spinnin, or coil leeadin. He +nobbut had to deal wi'th' heeads o'th' community. Th' fact is he wor a +barber; an' ther's monny a chap at awd moor o' thear gooid fortun to +th' +way he fixed up th' aghtside o' thear heeads, nor what they did to th' +fixin i'th' inside.</p> + +<p>Aw've monny a time thowt when aw've seen him thrang 'at his +trade wor +just a reight schooil for a chap to gaa to, to leearn to have contempt +for wod-be gurt fowk, for aw've seen chaps come in lukkin as fierce as +a +pot-lion, an ommost makkin yo tremel wi' th' way they sed' gooid +mornin,' but as sooin as they've getten set daan, an' a gurt print +table-cloth tucked under ther chin, an' lathered up to ther een, +they've +sat as quiet an' luk'd as sheepish as a chap' at's just been to see his +sweetheart get wed.</p> + +<p>Well, ther wor nobbut one thing 'at Tommy aspired to, moor nor +what he +had, an' that wor to be a deacon. Net 'at he knew owt abaat what a +deacon owt to be, or owt to do, but becoss a chap 'at used to goa to +th' +same schooil when they wor lads, had getten made a deacon at th' +Starvhoil Baptists' Chapel, an' Tommy didn't like to be behund hand; +an' +then agean ther wor a woman in th' case.</p> + +<p>Tommy had allus been a pretty regular attender at auther one +chapel or +another, but he'd niver stuck to one i' particular, for he liked to +hear +different preachers, an' he didn't feel varry anxious to pay pew rent. +But just abaat this time summat happened 'at made a change in him.</p> + +<p>Cloise to whear he lived ther wor a chap 'at kept a sausage +shop, an' he +wor takken sick an' deed, an' his widder sent for Tommy to come an' +shave him befoor he wor burrid, an' he did it i' sich a nice an' +considerate way, an' tawked soa solemn, an' pooled sich a long face, +'at +he gate invited to th' funeral, an wor axed to be one o'th' bearers an' +as he nobbut stood abaat four feet in his booits, he consented at once, +for as t'other five chaps all stood abaat six feet, he knew he wodn't +have mich to carry.</p> + +<p>When th' funeral wor nicely ovver, an' they gate back to th' +haase, they +wor all invited to stop an' have a bit o' summat to ait, an' as sausage +wor th' handiest o' owt to cook, shoo axed 'em if they'd have some. +Nubdy'd owt to say agean it, but Tommy didn't seem satisfied, an' when +th' widder saw it shoo sed, 'may be, Tommy sausage doesn't agree wi' +yo,—is thear owt else yo'd like?'</p> + +<p>"Well," he sed, "aw've nowt agean sausage, but aw think 'at +black +pudding wad be moor appropriate for a burrin."</p> + +<p>"Tha'd happen like black beer to swill it daan," sed one. +"Nah, yo 'at +want sausage can have it, an' them 'at likes black puddin can have +that," shoo sed.' An' varry sooin ther wor a dish o' booath befoor' em, +but nubdy seemed to fancy th' black pudding nobbut Tommy, an aw dooant +think he enjoyed' em mich, for they worn't varry fresh.</p> + +<p>'Get some moor, Tommy,' shoo sed, 'it does me gooid to see you +ait 'em, +for they wor the last thing awr Jack made i' this world, an' aw like to +see some respect paid to him. He little thowt when he wor makkin them +'at he'd be deead wi' th' small-pox an' burrid in a wick.' Wi' this +shoo +began to cry, an' as th' mourners kept leavin one bi one, ther wor +sooin +nubdy left but Tommy to sympathise wi' her, an' as ivery time he sed +owt +shoo shoved him another black puddin on his plate, he began to think it +time he went hooam, for if shoo kept on at that rate it wodn't tak long +to mak another burrin. In a bit he wor forced to stop, an' he sed he +thowt it wor time for him to goa; but shoo put her hand on his heead +an' +luk'd daan at him soa sorrowful like, as shoo lifted daan a black +bottle +aght o'th' cubbord, wol he couldn't find in his heart to leave her, soa +sittin daan they had a drop o' gin an' watter together, for shoo wanted +some to draand her sorrow, an he wanted summat to settle his stummack. +Then he began lukkin raand, an' he wor capt to find what a nice +comfortable haase shoo had, an' all th' furniture as gooid as new; and +ivery glass he tuk he fancied shoo wor better lukkin nor he'd seen her +befoor, an' as he didn't offer to leave as long as th' gin lasted, bi +th'time it wor done he thowt he'd niver seen a widder 'at suited him as +weel, an' as he wanted a wife he couldn't help thinkin 'at he mud do +wor +nor try to find room thear to hing his hat up.</p> + +<p>He knew at shoo wor varry nicely off an' could affoord to live +withaat +th' sausage shop, an' although shoo wor big enuff to mak two sich chaps +as him, he didn't think that wor onny objection.</p> + +<p>He niver knew exactly ha he gate hooam that neet, but he went +to bed an' +dreamt 'at he wor riding in a hearse to get wed to th' widder, an' th' +trees on booath sides o'th' road wor hung wi' garlands o' black pudding.</p> + +<p>Two months had passed, an' Tommy hadn't let his sympathy stop +wi' th' +funeral, but used to call regularly once a wick to see her, an' allus +went to the same chapel ov a Sunday, an' tuk care to dress all i' +black, +an' had a black band raand his hat, which coom in varry weel to cover +up +th' grease spots; an' one neet as they wor gooin hooam together, he +screwed up his courage an' ax'd her if shoo didn't think, as shoo wor +soa lonely, an' he wor lonely too 'at they'd better join?</p> + +<p>'Tha'rt to lat,' shoo sed, 'for aw joined long sin, an' wor +made a +member directly after aw burrid awr poor Jack.'</p> + +<p>'But that isn't what aw mean,' sed Tommy, 'aw mean, hadn't we +better +join an' get wed, for awm sure we could get on varry nicely together.'</p> + +<p>'Well, aw think we can get on varry nicely separate,' shoo +sed, 'but +anyway, if iver aw do get wed agean it'll have to be a member o'th' +chapel; for awr Jack, deead an' gooan as he is, an' ther wor niver a +better chap teed to a woman nor he wor, yet he had his faults, an' he +knew a deeal moor abaat sausages an' puddins nor he knew abaat sarmons +an' prayers, an' he'd rayther ha gooan to a dog feight nor a deacons' +meetin ony day, an' as he left me varry nicely provided for, though +aw've nubdy to thank for that but misen, aw can affoord to wait wol aw +get suited.'</p> + +<p>'Well, Hannah Maria,' he sed, 'but suppoas aw wor a deacon do +yo think +aw should suit?'</p> + +<p>'That aw connot tell,' shoo sed, 'but if tha iver gets to be a +deacon +tha can ax me then.'</p> + +<p>Soa Tommy bade her gooid neet; an' nah he wor detarmined to be +a deacon +come what wod.</p> + +<p>Next Sunday he joined th' Sunday Schooil as a taicher, tho' he +knew noa +moor abaat taichin nor th' powl 'at hung o' th' aghtside ov his shop +door. Then he tuk a sittin in a pew reight anent th' parson, tho' he +had +to pay well for it, an' when they made a collection, which wor pratty +oft, an' th' chaps used to goa raand wi' th' box allus when they wor +singin th' last hymn, he used to be soa takken up wi' th' singin wol +th' +chap had to nudge him two or three times; then he'd throw daan his book +an' fidget in his pocket as if he'd forgetten all abaat it, an' bring +aght sixpenoth ov hawpneys, an' put 'em in wi' sich a rattle wol ivery +body'd knew 'at he'd gien summat.</p> + +<p>He wor allus th' furst in his seeat an' one o'th' last to +leeav, an' +ivery Sunday he managed to have summat to say awther to th' parson or +one o'th' deacon's, wol befoor he'd been thear a month he'd getten to +be +quite a nooated chap.</p> + +<p>Wheniver one o'th' congregation called in to get shaved, they +allus +faand him readin th' Evangelical Magazine, or else repooarts o'th' +Liberation Society, an' it worn't long befoor sombdy tell'd him in a +saycret 'at he wor baan to be propoased for a deacon. He tried to luk +as +if he cared nowt abaat it, but as sooin as the chap went aght, he flang +his lather brush under th' table, threw his razor an' white appron into +a corner, upset his lather box on to th' Evangelical, an' ran up stairs +two steps at a time, an' seized a bottle off th' shelf, an' sayin, +'Here's to th' deacon!' swallowed hauf a pint o' neat, an' what else he +might ha done aw dooant know if he hadn't ommost brokken his neck wi' +tryin to turn a summerset.</p> + +<p>This browt him to his senses a bit, an' then he sat daan to +reckon up ha +mich a wick he'd have comin in when he'd getten wed to th' widder.</p> + +<p>Nah aw hardly like to say it, but it's true, Tommy wor rayther +fond ov a +drop o' summat strong, but he niver let monny fowk see him tak it after +he'd joined th' chapel. But he had just one confidential friend, an' he +allus tell'd him iverything, an' ov coarse he'd let him know all abaat +th' widder, an' being made a deacon; soa he sent for him, an' they'd a +fine time on it that neet, for they shut up th' shop an' gate as full +as +they could carry, an' just as they wor gooin to pairt, a letter coom to +tell Tommy 'at he'd to be voted for as a deacon after th' Thursday's +meetin; an' as that day wor Tuesday they hadn't long to wait, soa they +detarmined to have another glass or two on th' heead on it, an' they +kept it up soa long wol at last they both fell asleep.</p> + +<p>When they wakkened it wor broad dayleet, an' they felt rayther +seedy; +soa they agreed to separate, an' Tommy made his friend promise to be +sure to call on him to tak him to th' meetin.</p> + +<p>Alick promised, an' then left him. Nah Alick wor a man ov his +word, soa +he decided net to goa hooam for fear o' forgettin, but he hadn't been +sat long i'th' 'Tattered Rag Tap,' befoor he fell asleep' 'When he +wakken'd it wor cloise on six o' clock, an' th' furst thowt 'at struck +him wor 'at that wor th' time for th' meetin;—for he didn't +think 'at +it worn't wol the day after; soa swallowin daan another stiff glass o' +rum, he set off to fotch Tommy.</p> + +<p>When he gate thear he saw Tommy sittin nursin his heead an' +lukkin as +sanctimonious as if he'd niver done owt wrang in his life.</p> + +<p>'Come on!' he sed, 'if tha doesn't luk sharp tha'll be to lat!'</p> + +<p>'What does ta mean, Alick,' he sed, 'th' meetin isn't till to +morn at +neet.'</p> + +<p>'Aw tell thi it's to neet, an' it's time tha wor thear nah. Aw +promised +tha should be i' time an' tha'll ha to goa.'</p> + +<p>'Aw tell th' meetin isn't wol Thursday!'</p> + +<p>'Well, this is Thursday.'</p> + +<p>'Tha'rt drunk, Alick; tha doesn't know what tha'rt talking +abaat.'</p> + +<p>Alick wor just drunk enuff to have his own rooad, an' wodn't +listen to +reason, soa he says, 'Awl let thi see who it is 'at's druffen! Awl +awther ha thee made a deacon or a deead en afoor tha gooas to bed to +neet!' an' sayin soa, he seized hold on him, an' tuckin him under his +arm as if he'd been a umbereller he started off aght o' door. Tommy +begged an' prayed, an' kicked an' fittered, but all to noa use. Alick +wor three times as big as him, an' held him like a vice.</p> + +<p>Just as they'd getten into th' street they met all th' miln +fowk, an' as +they wor booath weel known, fowk laffed rarely, for they thowt it a +gooid spree. Th' rooads wor varry mucky an' sloppy, an' as Alick worn't +varry steady on his pins they hadn't gooan far befoor they wor booath +rollin i'th' sludge, but Alick niver left goa; he scramel'd up, an' off +agean, an' wor varry sooin at th' chapel door. Th' only consolation 'at +poor Tommy had wor thinkin 'at th' chapel wodn't be oppen, an' then +Alick wod find aght his mistak; but it unfortunately happened' at ther +wor a meetin that neet i'th vestry abaat establishing a Band o' Hope, +soa th' chapel doors wor oppen. Alick rushed in wi' poor Tommy, moor +deead nor alive. Th' noise they made sooin browt all th' fowk aght +o'th' +vestry, an' th' parson coom fussin to see what wor to do, an' as ther +wor nobbut one or two leets i'th' chapel bottom, an' nooan up stairs, +he +could hardly see what it all meant. Just then Alick let goa, an' Tommy +flew up stairs like a shot, hooapin 'at as it wor ommost dark he'd be +able to find his way aghtside befoor he wor seen.</p> + +<p>Alick luk'd varry solid an' tried to balance hissen by holdin +to one +o'th' gas fixtures.</p> + +<p>'What's the meaning of this?' sed th' parson.</p> + +<p>'Please yor reverence, hic,—aw've browt yo th' new +deacon, hic,—an' a +d—-l ov a job aw've had to mak him come, but awm a man o' mi +word, an' +aw promised he should bi here i' time, an' aw'd ha browt him if aw'd +had +to being him in his coffin. That's th' sooart ov chap aw am old cock!'</p> + +<p>Bi this time all th' fowk wor gethered raand, an' th' parson +luk'd throo +one to another, to see if they could explain matters, but they wor all +fast amang it.</p> + +<p>Alick wor standin lukkin raand in a sackless sooart ov a way, +when all +at once he spied th' widder amang 'em, soa ponitin her aght he sed, +'Jack's widder thear can tell yo all abaat it, it's been made up +between +them two, an' a varry gooid pair they'll mak, an' if he cannot shave +her, shoo'll be able to lather him. Tha knows awm a man o' mi word, +Hannah Maria, an' aw sed aw'd bring him.'</p> + +<p>All th' nooatice th' widder tuk wor to shak her neive in his +face, an' +as they all could see ha drunk Alick wor, they left him standin wol +they +locked all th' doors an' prepared to have a hunt for th' chap 'at had +run up stairs. But Tommy wor detarmined net to be catched if he could +help' it, an' a fine race he led' em, for he flew ovver th' pews like a +cat, an' as th' door-keeper, an' pew oppener, an' th' parson ran after +him, th' wimmen kept gettin into ther rooad, an' ovver they tummeld +knockin th' cannels aght as they fell, an' of all th' skrikin an' +screamin yo iver heeard, it licked all.</p> + +<p>Alick wor bi hissen daan stairs, an' wor feelin rayther misty +amahg it, +but when he heard all th' noise he bethowt him 'at it must be a pairt +o'th' ceremony, an' he began to feel excited.</p> + +<p>'Keep it up owd lad! Gooid lad Tommy! Thar't a cock burd! By +gow I tha +niver should ha been a barber! Two hauf-craans to one on th' little en!'</p> + +<p>But they catched him at last; an' as they didn't know who it +wor, an' he +wor soa covered wi' muck an dust wol it wor hard to tell, they browt +him +daan stairs whear ther wor a better leet.</p> + +<p>When th' parson saw who it wor he could hardly believe his +een, an' all +t' others put ther hands as if they thowt th' roof worn't safe.</p> + +<p>'Thomas,' sed th' parson solemnly, 'I'm sorry to see thou hast +fallen. +Thy race here is run.'</p> + +<p>'Well, he ran weel didn't he?' sed Alick. Ther wor moor nor +him fell i' +that race, or else ther wor a deeal o' skrikin for nowt. But it just +suits me, aw wodn't ha missed it for a shillin! aw wor niver at th' +makkin ov a deacon afoor, it's three times as mich fun as makkin a free +mason.'</p> + +<p>Tommy tried to spaik, but he wor soa aght o' wind wol he +couldn't say a +word, an' as sooin as th' doors wor oppened he made a bolt for hooam. +Alick follerd him, but fan th' door locked, soa he went hooam too.</p> + +<p>Next mornin, nawt her on 'em could exactly tell what had +happened th' +neet afoor, but Alick went to pay Tommy a visit. What wor sed aw dooant +know, but they tell me 'at Alick's shaved hissen iver sin, for he +doesn't seem to like th' idea o' Tommy bein soa varry near him wi' a +razor.</p> + +<p>Ov course Tommy worn't made a deacon, an' what wor war nor all +he lost +th' widder into th' bargain.</p> + +<p>They did try to get him to join th' Good Templars; an' Alick +sed if he +wanted to be a member he'd promise to see' at he wor thear i' time if +he +had to sit up another neet for it; 'an tha knows awm a man o' mi word, +doesn't ta, Tommy?'</p> + +<p>But someha or other Tommy seems content to stop as he is, but +if yo +should iver give him a call, aw wodn't advise yo to say owt abaat him +bein made deacon, for th' thowts on it seems to be like th' black +pudding he had at th' burrin drinkin,—varry heavy on his +stummack, an' +all th' gin an' watter he's been able to get has niver swilled it daan.</p> + +<p>Hannah Maria's getten wed agean; shoo wor as gooid as her +word.—shoo +wed a local praicher; but as his labours didn't seem to profit him +mich, +he left th' connexion, an' wi' Hannah Maria's bit o' brass he bowt th' +valiation o'th 'Purrin Pussycat' public haase, an' shoo tends th' bar +wi' as mich red ribbon flyin raand her heead as ud mak reins for a +six-horse team. Tommy called once, but when he saw th' picture frame +'at +he'd taen soa mich pains wi' for Jack's funeral card hung up wi' a +ticket in it sayin 'prime pop,' he supt up his rum an' walked +sorrowfully aght, withaat payin for it, an' he's niver been seen thear +sin.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="One_Amang_th_Rest" id="One_Amang_th_Rest"></a>One +Amang th' Rest.</h2> + +<p>I cannot say that the birth of Sally Green was heralded with +many joyful +anticipations. Her father was one of those unfortunate men who have +never had any trade taught to them, and his income, always small, was +also very precarious. One day you might find him distributing +circulars, +another, acting as porter; at times he got a stray job as gardener, and +was always willing to undertake almost any thing by which to earn an +honest penny. His wife had for many years been a sickly woman, yet she +was fruitful, as was proved by the six children who with laughter or +tears, as the case might be, welcomed their father home.</p> + +<p>"Old Tip," as he was familiarly called both at home and +abroad, was +sitting opposite the fire, smoking an old clay pipe, when the news was +brought that little Sally was born, and both mother and babe were doing +well. He answered simply, "Ho!" "An' is that all tha has to say when +tha's getten another dowter, an' one o' th' grandest childer aw think' +at wor iver born?"</p> + +<p>"Well, what am aw to say? It's all reight, isn't it? Shoo'll +be one +amang th' rest."</p> + +<p>Although Tip appeared to treat the event with such +indifference, yet his +mind was ill at ease, for he well knew that his scanty means had barely +sufficed to find food for those dependent upon him before time, and an +additional mouth to provide for was by no means a thing to be desired.</p> + +<p>There is an old saying, that God never sends a mouth without +sending +something to put in it, and that is very true, but it is just possible +that the food sent to put in it is appropriated to some other mouth, +that has already got above its share. If this was not so, we should be +spared the pain of reading the heartrending accounts that are so +frequently brought under our notice of people being "starved to death."</p> + +<p>It is not my intention to detail all the little incidents +connected with +Sally's early years; suffice it to say that she was dragged up somehow, +along with her brothers and sisters, who as they got older and able to +work and earn a wage sufficient to support themselves, left one by one +to depend upon their own exertions, but never once giving a thought to +the debt of gratitude they owed to those, who had laboured so long, and +endured so many troubles for their sakes.</p> + +<p>In time Sally was old enough to be put to some business, and +as she had +all along been of a weaker constitution than her sisters, it was deemed +advisable to select some occupation for her of a lighter description. +Accordingly she soon found herself placed with a shopkeeper in the +town, +to learn the mysteries of concocting bonnets, caps, &c. The +money she +received at the commencement was very little, but doubtless was a just +equivalent for her labours; but her parents, whose income had decreased +with their increasing years, had often to suffer privations, in order +to +dress Sally as became her position. Sally was naturally quick of +apprehension, and the old folks' hearts were often cheered by the +reports of her advancement.</p> + +<p>"It maks me thankful monny a time i'th' day, Tip, to think ha +Sally taks +to her wark; an' tha sees shoo's soa steady an' niver braiks ony time, +an' aw connot help thinkin, 'at may be, shoo'll net only be a comfort +to +us in old age, but a varry gurt help."</p> + +<p>"Shoo's steady enough," said Tip, "but aw dooant think its +wise to build +ony castles i'th' air abaat her helpin us mich. Th' kitten seldom +brings +th' old cat a maase. Nooan o' th' brothers has iver done owt for +us,—net 'at aw want owt, net aw; but aw know 'at we've had to +do a +deeal for them, an' it luks rayther hard, at they should niver think +abaat payin a trifle back; an' awm feeared Sally 'll be one amang th' +rest."</p> + +<p>"Happen net. Tha wor allus fond o' lukkin o'th' dark side."</p> + +<p>"Aw may weel be fond o' lukkin at it, for awve seen varry +little o'th' +breet en."</p> + +<p>Sally continued to progress, and her employer was not slow to +recognize +her abilities and increase her wages in proportion. She often indulged +in dreams of what she would do for her parents, as soon as she was +able, +but as yet her own wants were so very pressing, that it took all her +money to satisfy them. She saw and admired her fellow-workers, as they +entered or left the place of business, dressed in such clothes as she +had never had, and such as it must be some time before she could hope +to +obtain. But she clung to the hope that the time would come, and she +strained every nerve to hasten its approach. Though by no means vain, +yet it was quite evident, Sally was aware she was as much her +companions' superior, in personal attractions, as they were her +superiors in point of dress, and it is to be feared, that there were +times when she consulted her mirror with exultation, and painted in her +imagination pictures how she could outshine them all when the time came.</p> + +<p>By degrees almost imperceptible, crept in a dislike to her +home;—not to +those who owned it, far from it. To her parents she was still loving +and +dutiful, but she began to conceive that her own attempts to improve her +appearance, her manner of speaking, and her general carriage, were +strangely at variance with her humble home and its belongings. Happily, +those precepts most potent to restrain any waywardness or wickedness, +had been early instilled into her by her mother, whose quiet christian +life had been her daily example. Her religion was pure and simple, and +she never failed to impress upon Sally the happiness to be derived from +an adherence to the truth, and a faith in the goodness of God.</p> + +<p>Years rolled on, and the slightly built girl was developed +into the +beautiful woman. She occupied the second position in the work-room, and +her love of dress she was enabled to gratify to its full extent. Many a +young man lingered about the door of the shop at night, in hopes of +catching a smile or some mark of encouragement, but Sally's heart was +free, respectful to all, but showing partiality to none, she passed on +scathless through many temptations that might have proved too strong +for +many older than herself.</p> + +<p>One night a strange event occurred. As she was hurrying home, +and had +arrived within a few yards of the door, she stumbled over some object +in +her path, and it was with much difficulty she succeeded in saving +herself from an awkward fall. It was too dark to see what the object +was, but she ran into the house, acquainted her parents with the event, +and accompanied by them bearing a light she returned to see what the +obstacle was. Across the pavement was laid a young man, about her own +age, in a helpless, perhaps a dying state.</p> + +<p>"Poor thing! what's th' matter wi' him?" sed her mother; "Tip, +lift him +up an' hug him in th' haase, an' see what's to do! He's somebody's poor +lad."</p> + +<p>Tip was not quite so strong as he had been, but he was yet +strong enough +for the emergency: and lifting up the slim young man, he bore him into +the house and laid him on the longsettle.</p> + +<p>"What does ta think is th' matter wi' him?" asked the mother; +"Is he +hurt?"</p> + +<p>"Noa."</p> + +<p>"Why, has he had a fit thinks ta?"</p> + +<p>"Aw think he has, an' it'll be some time befoor he comes aat +on it, for +its a druffen fit."</p> + +<p>"A'a, tha doesn't say soa, Tip! does ta?" "Its ten thaasand +pities to +see him i' that state!"</p> + +<p>Sally approached him half in fear and half in anxiety, and +after +scanning his features, which in spite of the dirt and the drink were +yet +handsome, she turned to her father and asked, "What shall we do with +him?"</p> + +<p>"We shall be like to tak care on him, lass, wol he sleeps it +off aw +expect, for we connot turn him aat, an' if we did th' police wod lock +him up. Awve suffered a deeal i' mi lifetime wi' my lads, but awve +niver +seen one on 'em i' that state, an' awd rayther follow 'em to th' grave +nor iver do it."</p> + +<p>For hours they sat beside the sleeping man, and when it was +far past +their usual time of retiring to rest, they looked at each other, mutely +asking what would be best to do.</p> + +<p>"Father and mother," said Sally, "it is time you went to bed; +I know you +cannot bear to miss your accustomed rest. I will watch by this young +man +until he awakes, and so soon as he is fit to leave the house he shall +do +so, and then I can get an hour's sleep before the shop opens in the +morning; I do not think he will sleep long now."</p> + +<p>The old couple did not like to leave her sitting up, but +seeing no +reason why they too should watch, they left her with their blessing and +retired to rest.</p> + +<p>The light from the candle fell full on the face of the +sleeper, and +although Sally often tried to read one of her favourite books, yet as +oft she found her eyes rivetted upon the countenance of the man before +her. At times he moaned as though in pain; again he smiled a sweet, +sweet smile so innocent and childlike, as if no care had ever crossed +his path; then a deep, deep sigh heaved his breast, as though all hope +had died within it. Sally leaned over him, and tears rolled down her +cheeks as she gazed on him, and with her hand she gently parted his +curly locks, exposing a brow that rivalled her own for whiteness. She +was thus occupied when his eyes slowly opened, and she started back. He +looked around him with a listlessness that showed the stupor had not +yet +worn off. Presently he aroused himself, and in a husky voice asked, +"Where am I?"</p> + +<p>"You are in the house of those who have endeavoured to +befriend you," +she replied; "you are quite safe, perhaps you had better try to sleep +again."</p> + +<p>"No! sleep! no! Let me have something to drink I Bring me some +beer, I'm +choaking."</p> + +<p>"That I cannot do, and would not if I could; but here is some +tea made +nice and warm, that will do you much more good." And as she said this +she handed him the jug.</p> + +<p>He took it from her, with a half-amused, half-astonished +expression on +his face, and drank the contents at a draught. "There, there!" he +muttered and reseated himself.</p> + +<p>He looked for a short time at Sally, as she sat opposite him, +but there +was such an air of dignity, mingled with compassion, imprinted on her +face, that it was only after one or two ineffectual attempts that he +could articulate another word. At length he said, "Will you kindly tell +me, miss, where I am and how I came here?"</p> + +<p>"You are in my father's house +in————street, and he carried +you here. +I stumbled over something on my way home, and on going back with my +parents, we found you laid helpless on the pavement. They have gone to +bed, and I am waiting until you feel able to resume your walk home."</p> + +<p>"It must have been quite evident to you that I was in liquor, +and I must +have caused you great inconvenience. I did not think there was a person +in the world who would have taken so much trouble on my behalf, but I +am glad to say that I am in a position to pay for it, and you are at +liberty to help yourself," saying which, he threw a wellfilled purse +upon the table.</p> + +<p>"I beg that you will replace the purse in your pocket, sir. To +any +kindness you have received you are welcome, and you would only insult +my +parents by offering to pay."</p> + +<p>"Not a very enviable looking home," he muttered, "but it seems +pride can +dwell in a cottage." "Just pride can dwell in the cottage as well as in +the mansion I hope," she replied, rising to open the door. "The morning +is cold yet fine," she said, "and as you are, doubtless, expected home, +it may be advisable not to delay your departure."</p> + +<p>"I will act upon your hint," he said, "but I have one favour +yet to ask, +Will you grant it?"</p> + +<p>"That depends upon the nature of it."</p> + +<p>"It is that I may be allowed to call here again, to express +the +gratitude I feel for the kind manner in which you have acted towards +me. +At present I am not in a fit state to do so. Will you grant me that +privilege?"</p> + +<p>"We do not seek for your thanks, sir, you are a perfect +stranger to us, +and we have but done that, which we felt it our duty to do, but if it +will afford you any pleasure, I am quite sure my father will grant your +request."</p> + +<p>With a hasty "good morning," he hurried off, passing through +the quiet +streets as quickly as he could, still wondering how he had got into +such +strange company.</p> + +<p>Sally sought her bed, to snatch a few hours of sleep, but all +desire +seemed to have flown. She could think of nothing but the young man's +face as she had seen him as he slept. His dress and manners bespoke the +gentleman; but he had left no name, and she vainly endeavoured to +discover who he was.</p> + +<p>The next day brought the young man once more to the cottage +door, but in +a very different state. Sally was not at home, but the old woman +invited +him forward, and requested him to be seated. "Give my best thanks to +your daughter," he said, as they conversed together, "and tell her I +shall be for ever grateful to her, for she has proved as good as she is +beautiful; and she is beautiful."</p> + +<p>"Ther's lots o' nice young wimmen ith' world," said Tip, "an +shoo's one +amang th' rest."</p> + +<p>After sitting for a few minutes whilst the old woman warned +him of the +danger he placed himself in by giving way to such evil habits, and +having promised never again to forget himself so far, he shook hands +with the worthy couple and departed, leaving behind him a handsome sum +of money, unknown to them.</p> + +<p>Not long after, Sally was returning home, when she met the +same young +man. The recognition was mutual, and he at once joined her and strolled +along by her side, pouring forth his thanks for her kindness, and +begging that she would not look upon him with disgust on account of the +unfavourable circumstances under which their first meeting took place. +His manners were so easy, and his conversation so entertaining, that +they reached the end of the street in which she lived, almost before +she +was aware. He bade her "good night," and struck off in an opposite +direction.</p> + +<p>Sally's heart palpitated more quickly than usual, as she +entered the +house, and for some reason, unknown even to herself, she did not +acquaint her parents with the interview. She endeavoured to occupy her +mind by busying herself with the little household affairs, but her +manner was abstracted, so feigning exhaustion she went to her room, at +an earlier hour than usual. She slept, but not that deep, quiet, +undisturbed slumber that wraps in oblivion all the senses. She dreamed +strange dreams, in which she saw strange faces, but the one face was +ever there, and in the morning she arose, feverish and unrefreshed.</p> + +<p>CHAPTER II.</p> + +<p>Some months had elapsed since Sally's first interview with +young Arthur +Grafton, (for such his name proved to be,) and during that time matters +had assumed a very different character. One or two meetings seemingly +accidental, led to an intimacy growing between them, which was not +easily to be mistaken.</p> + +<p>Arthur was a young man possessing great advantages, not only +in personal +attractions, but as the possessor of an ample fortune. His father had +been dead many years and his mother resided in the neighbourhood of +London. No sooner, however, did Arthur attain his majority, and find +himself in such a favoured position, than he gave way to those excesses +which are generally somewhat lightly styled, youthful indiscretions. +His +mother had done all that lay in her to prevail upon him to alter his +course of conduct, but he being headstrong, yet affectionate, and not +wishing to cause her pain, at the same time being disinclined to follow +her advice, left home in order to be free from all restraint. Thus it +happened that he was spending a porportion of his time in +Y———. +Sally's parents were not blind to the state of their daughter's +feelings +towards Arthur, but they were full of fear. Once or twice he had called +at the cottage, and they had marked the unnatural sparkle of his eye, +that told of a too great indulgence in drink. On one or two occasions +he +had openly scoffed at religion, and treated as jests, things they held +to be most sacred. They often spoke to Sally and warned her, but her +usual reply was a light laugh, or an assurance that she knew what she +was doing.</p> + +<p>Little by little she ceased to think there was anything very +wrong in a +young man becoming intoxicated, if he only did it occasionally. Her +attendance at church was not so regular, and in a short time it ceased +altogether, and she looked forward to the sabbath only as a day of +recreation, and one on which she could spend more time with him who was +day by day leading her farther from the path of duty.</p> + +<p>Many a friend warned her of her danger, but her whole soul had +become so +wrapped up in him, that his very vices appeared as virtues, in her +eyes. +Sally had not forgotten her early teachings, and many a night when all +was hushed, the still small voice of conscience whispered, 'Beware, +—Beware,' But she would not listen to it, she had set her +heart upon +him, and although she could not but admit he had many faults, yet she +strove to believe that she had the power to wean him from his evil ways.</p> + +<p>One night the old couple and their daughter were sat by their +cheerful +fire. Tip, as was his wont, smoking his pipe,—the old woman +bending +over the oft consulted bible, and Sally with her elbow resting upon the +table and her head leaned upon her hand, gazing at the kitten sleeping +on the hearth, although she saw it note Arthur had failed to keep his +appointment and she was sad in consequence. A loud knock at the door +disturbed them,—Sally hastened to open it, and Arthur in a +state of +wild intoxication rushed in. Even Sally shuddered and shrank from his +attempted caresses. Her mother shook her head, and looking upward +seemed +to implore help from Him of whose death she had just been +reading:—whilst old Tip rose to his feet, took the pipe from +his mouth, +and angrily pointed towards the door.</p> + +<p>Drunk as Arthur was, he comprehended his meaning, but +advancing towards +him with uncertain gait, he placed a hand upon each shoulder and forced +him back into his seat, uttering a fearful oath.</p> + +<p>Sally strove to quiet him, and implored her father to excuse +him, at the +same time begging of Arthur to leave the house. The consternation and +excitement of those about him, seemed to add fuel to the fire already +within him, and tearing the bible from the old woman's lap, he hurled +it +on the fire. Tip rushed to save it, but Arthur seized the poker and +stood threatening death to any who dared to touch it. Tip, undaunted, +made another effort. The dreadful weapon fell upon his unprotected +head, +and in another instant he was stretched upon the floor. The sight of +poor Tip in such a state, together with the wailing and weeping of +Sally +and her mother, seemed to have the effect of sobering him a little; he +threw down the poker, opened the door, and, without a word, passed out.</p> + +<p>CHAPTER III.</p> + +<p>A bright spring morning succeeded the night on which the +commotion had +taken place in Tip's usually quiet home. He was stirring about the +house +as was his custom, a bandage over his brow being the only indication of +the recent unpleasant event. The wound was not a dangerous one, and the +unceasing attention of his daughter had enabled him to rally much +sooner +than might have been expected. Sally and her mother were also bustling +about. Not a word escaped from any of them in reference to what had +taken place. Old Tip looked more than usually morose, the mother, more +than usually sorrowful, and Sally's brow was contracted and her lips +compressed, and her eyes spoke of fixed determination. She dressed +herself with more than usual care, and lingered over many little things +before she bade her usual good morning; and when she closed the door +she +gazed a moment at the old familiar structure, wiped the tears from her +eyes, that in spite or all she could do, would come to testify that her +heart was not so callous as she fain would make it appear; and then she +walked rapidly away—but not to her work. No! she sought the +home of him +who had come like a blight on their domestic peace. She carried with +her +no feeling of resentment—her heart was full of love and +compassion. She +had undergone a dreadful struggle. The climax had arrived. She must +choose between her parents and her lover. It was a hard, hard task, but +it was over. House and parents, all that had been associated with her +early and happy years, sacrificed for one whose past life had brought +to +her so much misery.</p> + +<p>She reached the door, rang the bell, and was ushered into the +room in +which Arthur sat vainly endeavouring to recall the circumstances of the +preceding night. He was pleased yet astonished to see her, and they +were +quickly engaged in an earnest and hurried conversation. In a few +minutes +Arthur rang the bell, and gave orders for all his boxes to be packed +and +conveyed to the nearest railway station. He called for his bill which +he +discharged with alacrity, a hired carriage was at the door, Arthur and +Sally entered it and she returned home no more.</p> + +<p>The grief of her parents was very great when they knew that +she had left +them, and they anxiously waited for some tidings of her whereabouts, +but +no tidings came. For a time remittances of money came regularly, but +these suddenly stopped, and their only means of subsistence was gone.</p> + +<p>The articles of furniture were disposed of one by one, to +supply the +cravings of appetite, but they were soon exhausted, and one morning saw +them placed in a cart and taken to the workhouse. They had both been +gradually sinking since Sally's flight, and it was but a short time +after the removal from their home, that the parish hearse removed them +to the last home of all flesh in this world. The fact of their ever +having existed seemed to be almost forgotten, when a painful tragedy +revived it in the minds of those who had known them. When newspapers +gave the distressing account of a young woman having leaped from London +Bridge into the river, bearing in her arms a little babe. They were +taken out quite dead, and on being searched, a piece of paper with the +following words written upon it was all that was found.</p> + +<p>'Let my dreadful fate be a warning to the young. I was young +and +beautiful,—I became proud and ambitious,—I ceased +to lend an ear to +the kind counsel of my parents,—I ceased to look upon sin +with +abhorence,—I sought pleasure in iniquity,—the +torments of hell can be +no worse than those I have endured, my seducer lives to make other +victims,—my babe dies with me, lest it should ever live to +know its +parent's shame,—I go to meet my God,—a Murderess +and a Suicide. My +only hope is in His unbounded mercy, and the intercession of His Son. +SALLY GREEN.</p> + +<p>Reader, does not this little story teach a moral? I think it +does. Be +not proud of the personal attractions with which nature has blessed +you. +Shun evil company,—obey your parents, and fear God always. +Sally +Green's case is not an isolated one. There are thousands at the present +moment, who are pressing on in the same path that terminated so +dreadfully for her. Watch and pray, lest it should be your unhappy lot +to be described in old Tip's expressive words, as 'One amang th' rest.'</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Whats_yor_Hurry" id="Whats_yor_Hurry"></a>What's +yor Hurry?</h2> + +<p>Ther's nowt done weel 'ud's done in a hurry, unless its +catchin a flea, +aw've heeard sed, but Joa Trailer wod'nt ha believed 'at that should be +done in a hurry, for he hurried for nowt. It wor allus sed 'at he wor +born to th' tune o'th' Deead March, an suckled wi' Slowman's Soothin +Syrup. His mother declared a better child nivver lived, for he hardly +ivver cried, net even for his sops, for if he showed signs o' startin, +ther wor allus time enuff to get' em made befoor he'd getten fairly +off. +He began cuttin his teeth when he wor six months old, an' he'd nobbut +getten two when his birthday coom, an' when th' old wimmen used to rub +his gums wi ther fingers he used to oppen his een an' stare at 'em as +if +he wondered what they wor i' sich a hurry for. His mother wor +forty-five +year old when he wor born, an' shoo anlls sed he wor born sadly too +lat, +an' if that's th' case ther's noa wonder 'at he's allus behund hand, +for +ther's nowt can ivver mak him hurry to mak up for lost time.</p> + +<p>They sent him to a schooil an' paid tuppince a wick for him, +but they +mud as weel ha saved ther brass, for if they managed to get him to +start +i' time, he just contrived to get thear when it wor lowsin. He nivver +leearned owt but he sed he meant to do sometime, but ther wor time +enuff +yet: soa he grew up to be a big ovvergrown ignoramus, an' his mother +could'nt tell what to do wi him. Shoo put him 'prentice to a cobbler, +but his maister sent him hooam when he'd been thear a month, for he sed +he'd been tryin to spetch a pair o' child's clogs ivver sin he went, +an' +'at th' rate he wor gettin on wi 'em he'd have' em thrown on his hands, +for th' child ud be grown up befoor they wor finished.</p> + +<p>"What am aw to do wi' thi," sed his mother, "aw can't afford +to keep thi +to laik?"</p> + +<p>"Wait a bit," he said, "'an give a chap a chonce. Yor i' sich +a hurry +abaat iverything. Rome worn't built in a day."</p> + +<p>"Noa, an' if it had depended o' sich as thee it nivver wod ha +been +built, awm thinkin!"</p> + +<p>One day, as he wor sittin on a stoop at th' loin end, a chap +com ridin +up to him, an' ax'd him if he'd hold his horse for him a minit or two. +"Eea," he said, "tak for time a bit an awl hold it."</p> + +<p>It tuk him some time to sydle up an tak hold o'th' reins, an +then th' +chap left him, tellin him whativver else to stand thear an' net run +away +wi' it.</p> + +<p>"Awst nooan run far," he sed, an' in abaat ten minits he laft +all over +his face at th' idea o' sich a thing. It wor a varry quiet horse, an' +Joa thowt 'at he'd getten th' reight seoart ov a job at last, an' When +th' chap coom back he gave him a shillin. If he'd been slow i' other +things, he had'nt been vany slow i' leearnin th' vally o' brass, an' as +it wor th' furst time he'd ivver had a shillin he wor soa excited 'at +he +started off hooam at a jog trot, an' th' fowk 'at knew him wor soa capt +wol they could'nt tell what to mak on it, but they thowt he must be +havin' a race wi' some sooapsuds at wor runnin daan th' gutter; but +that +wornt it, for he'd getten a noashun at noa trade ud suit him as weel as +fishin, for he could tak his own time wi' that, an' he felt sewer he'd +be lucky, for if they wor'nt inclined to nibble he'd caar thear wol +they'd be glad to bite to get shut on him; an' he'd seen a fishin rod +to +sell for a shillin, soa he thowt he'd goa hooam an' as sooin as he'd +getten his dinner he'd buy it.</p> + +<p>When he gate in, his mother said, "Whear's ta been, an' +whativer is ther +to do 'at maks thi come in puffin an' blowin like that?"</p> + +<p>"Aw've been to th' end o'th' loin," he sed, "an' wol aw wor +thear a chap +coom an' ax'd me to hold his horse for him, an' he's glen me a shillin."</p> + +<p>"Well, tha's been sharp for once, an' awm fain to see it, for +its a +comfort to know at owt can stir thi. Gie me' that shillin, its just +come +i' time, for aw wor at my wits end what to do for a bit o' dinner, an' +that'll just come in to get a bit o' summat."</p> + +<p>Joa pottered it aght, an' as shoo took' it shoo sed, "Nah, tha +sees what +it is to be sharp.—Tha's done rarely this' mornin."</p> + +<p>"Eea, aw see what it is to be sharp, an' if ivver yo catch me +sharp +agean yo may call me sharp, for if aw had'nt run hooam 'fit to braik me +neck aw should ha had that shillin.—But it sarves me reight +to loise it +for bein i' sich a hurry."</p> + +<p>He wor as gooid as his word, an' he's nivver been known to +hurry sin.</p> + +<p>When he gate to be a man he fancied he wor i' love wi' a young +woman 'at +lived claise to his mother's,—one at wor just as queer a +karacter as +hissen, wi this difference, shoo could haddle her own livin wi weshin.</p> + +<p>He tell'd his mother 'at he meant to ax her to have him +somday, an' shoo +sed shoo wor feeared he'd think abaat it wol they'd be booath too old; +but he did'nt, for he met her one day an' he ax'd her if shoo'd nivver +thowt o' sich a thing?</p> + +<p>"Nay," shoo sed, "sich a thowt's nivver entered mi heead, an' +if it had +aw should nivver ha' thawt o' thee,—but awm i' noa hurry to +get wed."</p> + +<p>"Noa moor am aw," he sed, "but aw thawt awd mention it, an' +tha can tak +thi own time,—all aw want to know is, if tha'll have me when +tha's made +up thi mind?"</p> + +<p>"Tha'd suit me weel enuff Joa, if tha'd owt to do, but aw +can't wesh to +keep misen an' have thee sittin o' th' harstun for a ornament, thar't +hardly gooid lukkin enuff for that;—if tha'll stir thisen an' +get some +wark awl tawk to thi."</p> + +<p>Soa Joa left her to consider on it, an' he determined to try +if he +could'nt find summat to do. As he wor creepin on a chap ovvertuk him an +says, "What are ta up to nah, Joa?"</p> + +<p>"Awm seekin wark!"</p> + +<p>"Why, if tha keeps on at that speed awm feeard tha'll nivver +find ony, +for if it wur anent thi tha could'nt ovvertak it.</p> + +<p>"Awm nooan tryin to ovvertak it,—but tha sees if +ther's ony comin +behund it'll have a chonce o' overtakkin me, an' if aw wor go in faster +it might think aw wor tryin to get aght o'th' way on it: an' whativer +fowk may say, awm net one o' them 'ats feeard o' wark, for aw nivver +put +misen aght oth' way to shirk owt yet."</p> + +<p>"Noa, nor to seek owt nawther; but aw heeard ov a job this +mornin at'll +just suit thi."</p> + +<p>"What wor it?"</p> + +<p>"Old Rodger wants a chap to drive his heears, an' its just the +job for +thee, for th' horse knows th' way to th' Cemetary, an' tha'll have nowt +to do but sit o'th box. Tha'd better see after it."</p> + +<p>"Aw think aw will sometime this afternooin," he sed, "aw could +just +manage that sooart o' wark."</p> + +<p>"Tha'd better goa nah if tha meeans to luk after it, or tha +may be too +lat,—but gooid mornin, aw hav'nt time to stand here ony +longer."</p> + +<p>"Aw doant know whether to believe him or net," he sed, "for aw +think +he's nooan reight in his heead, or he'd nivver ha' spokken abaat +standin' here when we've been walkin' all th' time. But ther can be noa +harm i' gooin to see after it, an' if aw get it, Abergil can have noa +excuse for refusin' me."</p> + +<p>It tuk him a long time to get to Rodger's tho' it wor'nt aboon +hauf a +mile, an' when he tell'd what he'd come for, Rodger lukt at him an' sed +"Well, tha'll do varry weel as far as thi face an' figger's consarned, +for tha luks as solid as a tombstun, but if aw gie thi th' job tha mun +promise to drive as a'w tell thi, for aw seckt th' last chap aw had +becoss he wod drive ta fast when he wor aght o' mi seet; an' tha knows +ther's nowt luks wor nor a gallopin funeral, an' aw want somdyaw can +trust."</p> + +<p>"Yo, can trust me, an if yo'll gie me th' job aw warrant awl, +drive just +as slow as yo want. But what's th'wage?"</p> + +<p>"Ten shillin a wick, an' tha'll have as mich curran cake an' +warm ale as +tha can teim into thi, an' thi clooas all fun for nowt."</p> + +<p>"Awl tak it, an' yo can let me know when awm to start."</p> + +<p>"Tha'l have to start to-day, for old. Nancy has to be buried +this +afternooin, soa tha can stop an' have a bit o' dinner an' wesh thi +face, +an' put on thi black clooas an' start off."</p> + +<p>"Awm nooan in a hurry to start, but if yo'd rayther I did, +why, ov +coorse awl do as yo say." Soa he did as he wor ordered, an' in a varry +short time Rodger gate him all ready an' th' heears browt aght, an' +they +booath gate onto th' box, an' Rodger set off to th' haase drivin varry +slowly. "Nah," he said, "tha mun watch me ha aw drive, an' tha mun +drive +th' same way, or slower if owt. Aw know tha'rt nooan fonda' fussin +thisen, an' aw dooant want thi to hurry th' horse."</p> + +<p>"Awl hurry nowt," he sed. When they gate to th' haase Rodger +waited wal +he saw all ready and then he left him. Ther wor noa danger o' anybody +gettin that horse to goa at maar nor three miles i'th' haar, for it wor +booath laim an' blind, an' seem'd varry mich inclined to drop on its +knees at ivvery step. It started off at snail pace, but even that wor +too mich for Joa.</p> + +<p>"Wo, gently!" he sed, an' it stood stock still.</p> + +<p>"When are ta gooin to start?" sed one o'th' mourners, "if tha +does'nt +mind we'st be too lat to get into th' Cemetary."</p> + +<p>"Thee mind thi' own business,—aw've getten mi +orders."</p> + +<p>"Tha'll have to hurry up or else we'st be to lat aw tell thi! +We're all +stall'd o' waitin!"</p> + +<p>"Its nooan thee at we're baan to bury or tha wodn't be i' sich +a hurry. +Awst tak noa orders nobbut throo Rodger or Nancy, soa tha can shut up."</p> + +<p>Th' old horse started off agean, an' at last they gate to th' +far end, +but it wor ommost dark, an' when they'd taen th' coffin aght o'th' +heears he drew up to one side to wait wol th' ceremony wor ovver, an' +when th' fowk caom throo th' grave side Joa wor fast asleep, an' th' +horse too, soa they left' em whear they wor an' went hooam.</p> + +<p>Some chaps i'th' village gate to hear abaat Joa's drivin an' +fallin +asleep, soa they thowt they'd have a bit ov a marlock on, an abaat a +duzzen on' em went to th' Cemetary gates, an tho' it wor dark they +faand +th' heears an' th' horse just as it had been drawn up, and Joa fast +asleep. One on 'em at had an old white hat changed it varry gently for +Joa's black 'en, an' then they hid thersen at tother side o'th' wall. +One on 'em set up a whistle at wakkened Joa, an' as sooin as he began +to +rub his een an' wonder whear he wor, they begun singin th' Old Hundred. +"Bith' heart!" he said, "they tell'd me at tha'd a varry hard deeath +Nancy, an' it seems tha'rt having a varry hard burrin. Aw declare awve +been asleep, an' its as dark as a booit. Awm hauf starved stiff wi +caarin here, but aw should think they'll nooan be long nah, for they +sewerly dooant mean to stop thear singin all th' neet." Th' chaps +waited +vary still for a while wol he began grumblin agean. "Aw dooant see ony +use i'me caarin here ony longer. Ther'll nubdy want to ride inside. Aw +may as weel be off hooam." Just then th' chaps sang another verse, an' +he thowt he'd better stop a bit longer, soa he put up his coit collar +to +keep th' wind aght of his neck, an' wor sooin fast asleep agean. As +sooin as they fun it aght they varry quitely tuk th' horse aght o'th' +shafts an' turned it into a field cloise by, an' lifted th' gate off +th' +hinges an' propt it up between th' shafts asteead o'th' horse, an' hung +th' harness ovver it; then they teed th' appron strings fast soa as he +could'nt get off his seeat, an' waited wol he wakkened agean. They +hadn't long to wait before he gave a gape or two, an' then he sed, "Awm +nooan baan to caar here ony longer! Aw nobbut agreed to come to th' +burrin, aw didn't bargain to stop wol they lettered th' gravestooan! +Gee +up!" An' he started floggin th' horse for owt he knew, but it nivver +stirred. "Ger on wi' thi! or else awl bury thee an' all!" an' he +slashed +away wi' th' whip, but th' heears nivver moved. Next he tried to get +daan to see if he could leead it, but he couldn't lause th' appron at +wor across his legs, soa he had to creep aght as he could an' climb +onto +th' top, an' as th' top wor smooth an' polished he slipt off, an' sat +daan ith' middle o'th' rooad wi' sich a bang at if he worn't wakkened +befoor ther wor noa fear on him bein' asleep after that.</p> + +<p>"Tha'rt a bigger fooil nor aw tuk thi for Joa," he said to +hissen, as he +sam'd hissen up, "aw thowt tha'd sense enuff to tak thi time an' net +come off th' top ov a thing like that i' sich a hurry. It ommost knockt +th' wind aght o' me, an' if aw dooant knock th' wind aght o' that horse +awl see." It wor nobbut leet enuff to see th' glimmer oth' harness, +tho' +th' mooin wor just risin, an' he laid his whip on wi' a vengence, but +as +it did'nt offer to stir he went up to it. "What's th' matter wi' thi?" +an' he put aght his hand to find it. "Well, awl be shot! Tha worn't +mich +when we set off, but tha seems to ha gooan to nowt! Aw could caant thi +ribs befoor, but aw can feel 'em nah. Ther's nowt left but a skeleton!"</p> + +<p>Th' meoin began to show a bit breeter, an' after grooapin +abaat for a +while he sed, "It strikes me it isn't a horse at all. Ther's somdy been +playin me a trick. Awm nooan mich ov a driver at th' best hand, an' awd +as mich as aw could manage to drive comin, but awm blest if aw can +drive +a five barr'd gate goo in back! Awm fast what to do wi' this lot."</p> + +<p>"Why, what's th' matter, Joa?" sed one o'th' chaps, comin' up +as if he +knew nowt abaat it. "What are ta dooin wi' th' heears here at this time +o' neet?"</p> + +<p>"That's what aw want to know," he sed, an' he tell'd him all +he knew +abaat it.</p> + +<p>"Well, th' horse can't be far off," th' chap sed, "they'd +nivver tak th' +horse, for it isn't worth stailin. It'll be i' one o' theas fields +sewer +enuff. We can find it bi mooin leet."</p> + +<p>Joa an him went to seek it, an' as he knew just whear to find +it they +had'nt long to luk. As sooin as ther backs wor turned, tother chaps +oppened th' heears an' filled it wi' th' biggest topstooans off th' +wall +'at they could lift, an' when it wor fairly looadened they shut it up +agean, an' left it as if it had nivver been touched.</p> + +<p>Joa an' his friend coom back wi' th' horse, an' had it +harnessed up all +right, but altho' it tugged an' pooled as hard as it could, it did'nt +stir th' heears.</p> + +<p>"Its studden soa long wol aw think it must ha' takken rooit," +sed Joa.</p> + +<p>"O, nay, its nobbut settled a bit wi' th' graand bein soft. +It'll goa +reight enuff when it gets off. Tak hold o' one o'th' wheels an' let's +give it a start."</p> + +<p>Th' old horse pooled its hardest, an' wi' th' help they gave +at th' +wheels they set it movin, an' as sooin as th' chap saw that, he bid Joa +geoid neet an' left him, tellin him at if it stuck fast he mud get +behund an' thrust a bit. It hadn't gooan monny yards when Joa saw he +mud +awther thrust or stop thear all th' neet, an' altho' th' rate they wor +gooin at wor slow enuff to suit even one a' Joa's disposition, yet th' +sweeat rolled off him, for he'd quite as mich to do as th' horse. Once +or twice he stopt to consider whether he hadn't better tak th' horse +aght an' get into th' shafts hissen.</p> + +<p>Abaat two o'clock i'th' mornin they gate back hooam, an' old +Rodger wor +waitin for him in a ragin temper, an' when he saw his favorite horse, +"Old Pickle," blowin an' steamin as if it had just come aght ov a mash +tub, an' Joa wi' a white hat on, he wor sewer he'd been on th' spree. +He +didn't give him a chance to spaik, but set to an' called him +ivverything +he could lig his tongue to Joa tried to explain matters, but it wor noa +use.</p> + +<p>"Its th' last time tha'll ivver drive for me! Tha's been +ommost twelve +haars away!"</p> + +<p>"Why, yo sed aw hadn't to hurry,—but if my drivin +doesn't suit yo, yo +can drive yorsen, an' welcome; for that horse o' yor's wants huggin, +net +drivin,—yo did reight to call it 'Old Pickle,' for its getten +me into a +bonny pickle!"</p> + +<p>"An what are ta dooin wi' that white hat? An' whears th' hat +aw lent +thi?"</p> + +<p>"This is th' hat yo lent me, for aw've nivver touched it sin +aw set off, +an' if its changed color aw can't help it—if it weant do for +a burrin +it'll do for a weddin."</p> + +<p>"Dooant tell me nooan o' thi lies! Awm ommast fit to give thi +a gooid +hidin whear tha stands!"</p> + +<p>"Yo'd better think twice abaat that!"</p> + +<p>"Aw will'nt think once," he sed, an' made a rush at him but +Joa held his +fist aght, an' Rodger ran agean it wi' sich a force wol he flew back +an' +messured his whole length ith' street.</p> + +<p>"What's th' meanin o' that," he sed, as he sam'd hissen +up,—"Isn't it +enuff, thinks ta, to goa on th' spree an' ommost kill a horse, but tha +mun come an' start o' illusin me? But awl mak thi smart for this as +sewer as my name is what it is!"</p> + +<p>"Aw nivver touched yo," sed Joa, "all aw did wor to hold mi' +neive aght; +an' if yo had'nt run agean it i' sich a hurry it wod'nt ha harmed yo."</p> + +<p>"Awl let thi see whether it wod'nt or net! Goa into th' haase +an' change +them clooas, an' nivver let mi' see thi face agean!"</p> + +<p>Joa wor as anxious to change his clooas an' get off hooam as +Rodger wor +to be shut on him, for his shirt wor wet throo wi' sweeatin, an' his +shoulder had th' skin off wi' thrustin, to say nowt abaat th' knocks +he'd getten when he tummeld off th' heears. He didn't loise any time, +an' when he coom back Rodger had just oppened th' heears an' fun all +th' +stooans. "What the degger's th' fooil been doin?" he sed, as he held a +Ieet to luk inside. "What's ta fill'd th' heears wi' stooans for, +lumpheead? Why, ther's a looad big enuff for a elephant."</p> + +<p>"They're just as yo put 'em in," sed Joa, "aw nivver touched +ony on 'em; +an' if yo'll gie me mi wage awl be off hooam."</p> + +<p>"Here's two shillin! goa an' buy a rooap to hang thisen, for +tha arn't +fit to live!"</p> + +<p>"When awm deead yo'll happen bury me for nowt, considerin 'at +aw've +worked for yo?"</p> + +<p>"Eea, an' welcome! Th' sooiner an' th' better!"</p> + +<p>"Awm varry mich obliged to yo, an' awl send yo word when yore +wanted, +but dooant be in a hurry.—Ther's nowt like takkin yer time. +Gooid +neet."</p> + +<p>As that wor th' last job Joa ivver hed, Abergil did'nt mak up +her mind +to have him, but that does'nt trouble him, for he says "Gettin wed is a +job a chap can do ony time, an' ther's noa need to be in a hurry."</p> + +<p>His mother's ommost fast what to do wi' him, an' hardly a day +passes but +what shoo axes him "if he ivver meeans to get owt to do?" an' he allus +says, "Awm thinkin abaat it. Give a chap a bit o' time! What's yor +hurry?"</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Ha_Owd_Stooansnatchs_Dowter_gate_Wed" id="Ha_Owd_Stooansnatchs_Dowter_gate_Wed"></a>Ha Owd +Stooansnatch's Dowter gate Wed.</h2> + +<p>He wor a reight hard-hearted sooart ov a chap wor owd +Stooansnatch; ther +wor hardly a child 'at lived i'th' seet o'th' smook ov his chimley but +what ran away when they saw him coming, an' ther mothers, when they +wanted to freeten 'em a bit used to say, 'aw'll fotch owd Stooansnatch +if tha doesn't alter.'</p> + +<p>He wor worth a gooid bit o' brass, 'at he'd scraped together +someway, +but like moor sich like it didn't mak him a jot happier, an' he lived +as +miserly as if he hadn't a penny. Even th' sparrows knew what sooart ov +a +chap he wor, for they'd goa into iverybody's back yard for two or three +crumbs but his, an' if one wor iver seen abaat his door, it wor set +daan +to be a young en 'at wor leearnin wit. Fowk sed 'at he clam'd his wife +to deeath, for he wodn't pairt wi' th' smook off his porrige if he +could +help it. Th' cowdest day i' winter ther wor hardly a bit o' fire i'th' +grate, an' sich a thing as a cannel ov a neet wor quite aght o' +question. Th' fowk 'at kept th' shop at th' yard end, sed he did buy a +pund when his wife wor laid deead i'th' haase, but it wor becoss he +darn't stop wi' a deead body at neet i'th' dark. But he'd a dowter, as +grand a lass 'as iver a star pept throo a skyleet at; shoo wor a +beauty, +an' shoo wor as gooid as shoo wor bonny. When aw used to see her, shoo +used to remind me ov a lily in a assmidden. Shoo'd noa grand clooas to +her back, but what shoo had shoo lined 'em i' sich a nice style wol +they +allus luk'd weel. Monny a chap wished he'd niver seen her, an' monny a +one made up ther mind if shoo wor to be had to get her. Some tried one +way an' some another, but owd Stooansnatch wor ready for 'em. Them 'at +went honor bright up to th' door an' axed, he ordered abaght ther +business, an' them 'at went creepin abaght th' haase after dark, he +used +to nawp wi' his stick if he could catch' em. But ther wor one, a reglar +blade, he used to be allus playin some sooarts o' marlocks, but +iverybody liked him except owd Stooansnatch. He'd gooan wi' a donkey +hawkin puttates an' turnips an' stuff for a year or two, an' as he'd +gooan his raand he'd seen Bessy,—'Bonny Bessy,' as fowk +called her—an' +th' neighbors nooaticed 'at if shoo wanted owt, 'at he allus picked th' +grandest bit he had for her, an' used to give her far moor bumpin +weight +nor what he gave them.</p> + +<p>He'd gooan as far as to give her a wink once or twice, an' +shoo'd gooan +as far as to give him a smile, but that wor all they'd getten to. But +one neet when he'd getten hooam, an' th' donkey wor put i'th' stable, +an' all his wark done, he sat daan ov a stooil an' stared into th' fire.</p> + +<p>'What's th' matter wi' thi, Joa?' sed his owd mother; 'aw see +tha's +summat o' thi mind, hasn't ta had a gooid day?'</p> + +<p>'Yi! aw've had a gooid enuff day, mother, it isn't that.'</p> + +<p>'Why what is it lad? Tha luks a wantin.'</p> + +<p>'Yo say reight, an' aw am a wantin, but aw dooan't meean to be +long. +Aw've made up mi mind to get wed, an' sooin an' all; for awm sure yo +arn't fit to be tewin as yor forced to be nah.'</p> + +<p>'A'a, Joa, tha'rt tryin to fooil thi owd mother awm feeard! +But aw wish +aw may live to see that day, for aw think if aw saw thi nicely settled +aw could leave this world better content. But who does ta think o' +havin? Aw didn't know tha wor cooartin.'</p> + +<p>'Well, aw dooant think yo did, for aw havn't begun yet, but +awve made up +mi mind to start, an that sooin.'</p> + +<p>'Waw, ther'll be a bit ov a sign when tha does begin, but if +tha luks +soa yonderly afoor startin, aw dooant know what tha'll luk like afoor +th' weddin day. But let's be knowin who's th' lass.'</p> + +<p>'Well, aw know yo'll be capt when aw tell yo; but it's owd +Stooansnatch +dowter.'</p> + +<p>'Th' grandest lass aw iver clapt mi een on, but if that's her +tha's made +choice on awm feeard tha'll be disappointed. Owd Stooansnatch 'll want +a +different chap throo bi thee for his son i'-law; waw, mun, when owt +happens th' owd man, shoo'll be worth her weight i' gold.'</p> + +<p>'Hi! fowk say soa, an' aw've been thinkin 'at that's nooan a +bad thing! +Aw'll drop hawkin then, mother. If aw get aw'll that brass aw'll have +suet dumplins to ivery meal. But putting all that i'th' back graand, if +shoo hadn't a rag to her back nor a penny in her pocket, shoo's th' +lass +for me; an' aw connot rest for thinkin abaat her, an' awm just studdyin +abaat gooin to see her to neet.'</p> + +<p>'Why, lad, art ta reight i' thi heead, thinks ta? Doesn't ta +know what +sooart ov a chap her fayther is?'</p> + +<p>'Aw should think aw do! Aw've nooan traded wi' him soa long +withaat +findin him aght.'</p> + +<p>'Well, awm nowt agean thi cooartin, but aw think tha mud ha +fun sumdy +likelier nor Bessy; for tha'll nobbut be wastin thi time, tha may +depend +on't. They'll have to be sumdy better nor thee 'at gets Bessy.'</p> + +<p>'Better nor me! Waw, aw wonder whean yo'll find him! For aw +can wrastle +ony chap mi own weight, an' aw'll set misen agean th' world for bein a +judge ov a gooid maily puttate. Nah, if yo think awm gooin a beggin for +her to owd Stooansnatch yo're off yor horse, for awm net. Awm baan to +ax +her th' furst, an' if shoo says 'Eea,' aw'l sooin work owd Stooansnatch +into th' mind.'</p> + +<p>'Why, lad, aw dooan't know what's getten into thi heead, but +ther niver +wor one o' awr family went cracked afoor, an' aw hooap tha'll come +raand.'</p> + +<p>'Nah, mother, yo dooant know all 'at aw know, but aw'l just +let yo into +a bit ov a saycret. Nah, aw've nooaticed 'at Bessy allus blushes when +shoo comes to buy owt o' me, an' shoo luks onywhear else rayther nor +shoo'll luk at me; an' shoo strokes th' owd donkey's nooas an' maks a +fuss on him, an' even gies him th' carrot tops, an' he munches' em up +an' luks at me as mich as to say—'This is her Joa; spaik up +like a man +an' tha'll win;' an' latly he's begun to rawt as sooin as iver we've +getten into th' end o' th' street, an' aw tak that for a gooid sign, +for +yo know Jerusalem wod do owt for me. An' nah as aw've finished mi +supper +aw'll be off.'</p> + +<p>'Well, lad, aw wish thi weel, but awm feeard. Aw think if aw +wor thee aw +should want summat moor nor a donkey rawtin to set me off o' sich a +eearand as that. Listen! does ta hear it nah? It's a rawtin agean. Can +ta tell me what that means?'</p> + +<p>'Nay, by gow, aw dooant know. Aw think it must meean 'luk +sharp.''</p> + +<p>'Aw think it meeans tha'rt a choolter heead, that's what aw +think.'</p> + +<p>'Neer heed, mother; yo'll see when aw come back.'</p> + +<p>Soa off Joa went, full o' faith. When he gate aghtside, th' +mooin wor +just risin, an' th' stars wor sparklin up i'th' sky, an' all wor clear +an' still. It wor a gooid two miles to Bessy's, an' he'd time to think +a +bit; an' he kept turnin over in his mind what his mother had sed abaght +gooin cracked, an' he began to have some daats as to whether he wor +altogether square or net. 'A'a,' he sed, 'aw've missed it this time, +for +aw mud ha browt her a heearin or some oonions for her supper, but it's +just like me, aw allus think o' thease things when it's too +lat—aw must +ha been born a bit to lat; but what awm to do, or what awm to say when +aw get to owd Stooansnatche's aw connot tell. But fortune favors th' +brave,' an' aw have been lucky befoor, soa aw'll hooap to be lucky +agean.'</p> + +<p>Joa wor fast lessenin th' distance between hissen an' th' +haase whear +owd Stooansnatch lived, an' it worn't long befoor he stood peepin in at +th' winder. He couldn't see owt, for all wor as dark as a booit inside. +He then began tryin to mak up a speech, or frame some mak ov excuse for +comin, but he wor clean lick'd, for moor he tried, an' th' farther off +he seemed to get, an he began to think 'at if he went on studdyin mich +longer it ud end in him gooin back baght dooin owt, soa he screwed up +his pluck an' knocked at th' door. He could hear a mumblin an' scufflin +inside, an' somdy strike a match, an' in a bit he heeard somdy unlock +two or three locks, an' shooit five or six bolts, an' then th' door +oppened abaght two inch, an' a nooas 'at iverybody knew belang'd to owd +Stooansnatch bobbed aght.</p> + +<p>'What does ta want at this time o'th' neet?' sed th' owd man.</p> + +<p>'Nay, nowt particlar; but didn't yo give me hauf-a-craan amang +that +copper this mornin, think yo? Aw shouldn't like to wrang onybody, an' +aw +did get hauf-a-craan somewhere.'</p> + +<p>Th' door oppened in a minit, an' Joa went in. He knew weel +enuff 'at th' +hauf craan didn't belang to th' owd sinner, but he didn't care as he'd +getten in an' Bessy wor sittin bi th' side o'th' fire lukkin bonnier, +he +thowt nor iver.</p> + +<p>Owd Stooansnatch wor reckonin to caant up his brass, an' in a +bit he +says,—'Tha'rt reight, Joa, lad, it's mine; awm just +hauf-a-craan short, +soa tha can give it me.'</p> + +<p>Joa hadn't heeard a word o' this speech, for his een wor fixed +o' Bessy. +an' his maath wor oppen as if he wor gooin to swallow her. Bessy wor +blushin, an' seemed varry mich takken up wi' her toa 'at had popt throo +th' end ov her slipper.</p> + +<p>'Does ta hear me?' he sed sharply, 'aw tell thi it's mine, an' +tha mun +give it me, an' dooant stand starin thear! Gi me that brass, an' then +tak thisen off hooam! aw connot affooard to keep a cannel burnin this +rooad for nowt.'</p> + +<p>'Why, thear's th' brass,' sed Joa, flinging it on to th' +table. 'Aw +should think it owt to pay for a cannel or two.'</p> + +<p>'It's nowt to thee what it'll pay for! but tha's noa need to +sit daan +thear for we're gooin to bed, an' soa tha mun goa.'</p> + +<p>'Well dooan't bi i' sich a hurry abbat it, awm net goin to +stop all th' +neet yo needn't think, but aw've another bit o' business to see yo +abaat, 'at'll be moor i' yer way nor that hauf-craan's been.'</p> + +<p>'Well if that's th' case tha con stop a bit an' aw'll put th' +cannel +aght, for we can tawk i'th' dark. An' nah tell me what it is.'</p> + +<p>'Yo see,' sed Joa, 'aw've been thinkin 'at it ud be a trouble +to yo to +loise yor dowter, for aw know shoo's a gooid lass.'</p> + +<p>'Shoo's a extravagant hussey, that's what shoo is,' sed +Stooansnatch, +'for shoo's just gien a booan away 'at's niver been stew'd nobbut once.'</p> + +<p>'Why shoo mayn't be just as careful as yo, shoo's young yet; +but then aw +dooant think if her an' me gate wed withaat iver lettin yo know 'at +yo'd +be altogether suited.'</p> + +<p>'Wed! Wed! Who says shoo's gooin to get wed? Wed! what to a +bit ov a +puttaty hawker? If tha mentions sich a thing to me aw'll bundle thi +aght +o'th' door i' quick sticks.'</p> + +<p>'Well, aw have mentioned it, an' aw'st mention it agean if aw +like; an' +as for shovin me aght o'th' door, aw'll forgi yo if yo do that.' An Joa +quietly gate up an' locked th' door an' put th' key in his pocket.</p> + +<p>When owd Stooansnatch saw that he lauped aght of his cheer, +fooamin at +th' maath like a mad dog. 'What are ta baan to do? Does ta want to rob +me? Aw'll mak thee pay for this!'</p> + +<p>'Yo can call it robbin if yo like, but what aw've coom for is +yor +dowter, an' aw mean to have her unless shoo says noa, an' aw dooant +think her heart's hard enuff for that,' sed Joa lukkin at her. But +Bessy +niver spaik, an' shoo seemed as if shoo could see nowt but th' toa aght +o'th' end ov her slipper.</p> + +<p>'Tha nasty ragamuffin! Tha impident scamp! Oppen that door! If +tha +doesn't aw'll fetch th' perleece! Aw'd rayther bury her alive nor tha +should have her!'</p> + +<p>'Why yo needn't get into sich a fit abaat it fayther (for aw +suppooas aw +may call yo fayther nah), yo know sich things—'</p> + +<p>'Fayther! Fayther! Whose fayther? Awm nooan thy fayther nor +likely to +be! Aw'd rayther pairt wi' ivery hawpeny aw have nor iver think 'at tha +wor owt to me!'</p> + +<p>'Well, Bessy's fayther'll be my fayther when we get wed, an' +aw dooan't +see what ther is to be 'shamed on i' that. But aw think yo'd better put +a bit o' coil on th' foir for it's rayther a cooil neet.'</p> + +<p>'Awst put noa coil on th' foir, aw con tell thi that. Aw +havn't getten +my brass wi' burnin coil at this time o'th' neet. Aw hooap tha'll be +frozzen to th' deeath if tha doesn't goa.'</p> + +<p>'Noa fear abaat me bein frozzen, becoss if yo d'ooant put some +on aw +will, soa crack that nut, fayther.'</p> + +<p>'Aw'll crack thy nut if tha touches ony coils here!' sed +Stooansnatch, +seizin hold o'th' pooaker, 'aw'll do that for thee an' sharply if tha +doesn't hook it.'</p> + +<p>'If yo cannot keep yor temper better nor that aw should advise +yo to goa +to bed an' leave Bessy an' me to talk matters ovver a bit; an' awm net +gooin to caar here an' get mi deeath o' cold for th' sake ov a bit ov +coil aw can tell yo,' an' Joa tuk th' coil basket an' emptied it onto +th' foir. 'Nah then just leearn me that pooaker, or else scale it +yorsen +fayther, an' then we shall have a bit o' leet.' But Stooansnatch kept +fast hold o'th' pooaker, soa Joa scaled it wi' th' tongs.</p> + +<p>'Yo happen havn't owt to sup i'th' haase Bessy, have yo?' he +sed, +spaikin to her for th' first time since he'd takken possession. But +still Bessy seem'd altogether takken up wi th' toa 'at wor peepin aght +ov her slipper.</p> + +<p>'Dooan't be 'shamed lass, dooan't be 'shamed, thi fayther'll +be all +reight in a bit. Come an' let's gie thi a kuss,' he sed, stoopin ovver +her an' puttin his arm raand her waist.</p> + +<p>This wor moor nor owd Stooansnatch could stand, soa swingin +th' pooaker +aboon his heead, he browt it daan wi' a fearful crack onto th' heead o' +poor Joa, who at once reel'd ovver an fell insensible to th' graand.</p> + +<p>Terrified when he saw what he'd done, Stooansnatch let th' +pooaker fall, +an' Bessy jump'd up wringin her hands an' cryin 'Oh, fayther! yo've +killed him! yo've killed him! Oh, Joa, Joa, spaik to me! What shall we +do? Fayther bring a leet sharp!'</p> + +<p>But that wor aght o'th' question, for his hand tremeld soa 'at +he +couldn't leet a cannel, soa Bessy had to leet it, an' then shoo bent +ovver th' form ov poor Joa. A little crimson stream wor slowly formin a +pool abaat his heead, an' his pale face luk'd soa awful wi' his jet +black hair araand his brow, 'at Bessy seemed ommast as terrified as her +fayther. But tho' shoo wor scared for a minnit shoo sooin gate ovver +it, +an' set to bind up his heead an' place it carefully on a cushion. Then +shoo bathed his face wi' watter, but still ther wor noa sign o' life.</p> + +<p>'Aw didn't mean to hit him soa hard, Bessy, awm sure aw +didn't.'</p> + +<p>'Yo'll be hung for it as sure as yor standin thear, an' then +what's to +come o' me, left withaat onybody to care for me?'</p> + +<p>Owd Stooansnatch could say nowt for a long time, but at last +he sed, +'Bessy, put thi hand in his pocket for th' door kay. Aw think aw'd +better fotch a doctor.'</p> + +<p>Bessy felt backward at putting her hand i' his pocket, but +shoo did soa, +an' handed th' kay to her fayther, an' in a varry short time he wor +hobblin off for a doctor.</p> + +<p>Bessy kept bathing his heead, an' in a while he slowly oppened +his een +an' luk'd raand. 'Ha does ta feel, Joa?' axed Bessy, in a voice as +tender as if shoo'd been talkin to a babby. 'Whativer will thi mother +say?'</p> + +<p>This sooart o' tawk browt Joa to his senses. 'Well, Bessy,' he +sed, 'my +mother tell'd me aw wor gooin cracked bat aw think awm brokken nah. +Whear's thi fayther?'</p> + +<p>'Gooan for a doctor; he thinks tha'rt killed, an' he's +terrified aght ov +his wits.'</p> + +<p>'Well, if my heead worn't pratty thick, aw should ha done +sellin +puttates. But, Bessy, if aw come raand all reight will ta be mi wife? +Tell me that?'</p> + +<p>'Hold thi noise; tha munnot talk—sithee ha thi +heead's bleedin.'</p> + +<p>'Neer heed it! My heart'll bleed too if tha willn't ha +me;—nah, lass, +what says ta?'</p> + +<p>'Tha knows mi fayther'll niver agree to it, soa what's th' use +o' +talkin.'</p> + +<p>'But will ta agree to it if he does? That's what aw want to +know?'</p> + +<p>'If tha'll nobbut hold thi noise aw'll agree to +owt;—tha luks moor like +burryin nor weddin.'</p> + +<p>'Well, that's settled, an' aw'll tell thi ha aw con get +top-side o'th' +old man. Dunnot say a word abaat me havin come raand, an' when th' +doctor comes aw'll put him up to a thing.'</p> + +<p>Just then th' door oppen'd, an' Stooansnatch an' th' doctor +coom in. Joa +shut his een an' tried to luk as deead as he could. Th' doctor felt his +pulse, an' luk'd at his heead, an' sed, 'we must get this man to bed, +it +seems to me that his skull is fractured.'</p> + +<p>'Do yo think he's likely to dee?' axed Stooansnatch.</p> + +<p>'Well, it's very doubtful; it's a bad case, but we must make +the best of +it, so help me to get him to bed.'</p> + +<p>They all three tuk hold on him, an' wi' a deeal o' trouble +managed to +get him into Bessy's room, an' to bed. 'Now then, get some brandy an' +some stickin plaister,—Bessy can fetch it.'</p> + +<p>'Na, aw'll fotch it; aw con get it cheaper,' sed Stooansnatch. +An' off +he went, wonderin ha mich he could save aght o'th' hauf craan Joa'd +gien +him.</p> + +<p>As sooin as he'd gooan, Joa oppened his een, an' raisin hissen +up on his +elbow an' winkin at th' doctor, he sed, 'doctor, con yo keep a saycret?'</p> + +<p>Th' doctor wor soa capt wol he ommost fell into th' assnuck, +an' withaat +waitin for him to spaik, Joa sed, 'yo see aw've had a nasty knock, an +aw +mean to mak owd Stooansnatch pay for it.'</p> + +<p>'Certainly! Quite proper! Sue him for £100 damages. +I'll attend as a +witness.'</p> + +<p>'But that isn't th' way aw want to mak him pay for it. Aw +dooan't want +his brass, aw want his dowter, an' it's becoss aw axed him for her 'at +he crack'd mi heead. Nah, if yo can nobbut mak him believe 'at this is +a +varry bad case, an' freeten him wi' makkin him believe 'at aw shall +niver get better, aw think we can manage it.'</p> + +<p>'Capital! capital!' sed th' doctor, rubbin his hands wi' glee +(for he +wor noa fonder o' Stooansnatch nor th' rest o' fowk) 'th' very thing! +You can depend on me. Ah! here he comes.'</p> + +<p>Joa shut his een, an th' doctor lained ovver him as if he wor +examinin +his heead, an' Bessy stood wi' her apron up to her face as if shoo wor +cryin, but shoo wor laughin fit to split, for shoo could enjoy a joke +at +th' owd man's expense as weel as onybody.</p> + +<p>Owd Stooansnatch coom in traidin of his tip tooas, holdin a +roll o' +plaister i' one hand an' sixpenoth o' brandy i'th' tother.</p> + +<p>Th' doctor luk'd at him an' pool'd a long face an' sed, 'I'm +afraid its +of no use, Mr. Stooansnatch; this is a bad case, and had better be +taken +to the hospital.'</p> + +<p>'Will it be cheaper to have him thear nor at home?' sed +Stooansnatch.</p> + +<p>'That I can't tell, but I shall be compelled to give you into +custody. +Murder is a sad thing, Mr. Stooansnatch—a terrible thing, +sir; and the +hanging of an old man is an awful thing to contemplate.'</p> + +<p>'Murder? hanging? Aw didn't do it! They'll niver hang me for +it, will +they? A'a dear, what'll come o' Bessy an' all my bit o' brass? Keep him +here, doctor, an' try to cure him; aw dooant care if it costs a paand,' +an th' old man trembled wol he had to steady hissen agean th' bed +pooast.</p> + +<p>Joa had kept quiet as long as he could, an for fear o' spoilin +it all +wi' laffin, he set up a groan laad enuff to wakken a deead en.</p> + +<p>'Poor fellow,' sed th' doctor, givin him a drop o' brandy, +'that's a +fearful groan.' He then cut a lot o' hair, an' put on abaat six inch +square o' plaister, an' leavin him, went into th' next room wi' owd +Stooansnatch, leavin Bessy an' Joa together, an' yo may bet Joa made +gooid use of his time, for he'd begun his cooartin i' hard earnest, an' +he meant to goa throo wi' it. What they sed to one another aw dooant +know, but aw suppoas they talk'd th' same sooart o' fooilery as other +fowk, an' believed it. Haiver, ther's one thing sartin, they coom to +understand one another varry weel, or if they didn't, they thowt they +did.</p> + +<p>When th' doctor an' th' owd man wor i'th' next room, an' th' +door shut, +th' doctor sed, 'Tell me all about this affair,—how it +happened, and +tell me the truth, for if he dies, the law will require me to state all +I know, and perhaps it might be possible to have the sentence commuted +to transportation for life instead of hanging.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, doctor, do get me aght o' this scrape if yo can. Aw'll +tell yo all +abaat it, an' yo tell me what to do.'</p> + +<p>Soa he tell'd him all just as it happened, an' when he'd +finished th' +doctor luk'd wise for a minit or two, an' then he sed, varry slowly an' +solemnly, 'so you spilt a fellow creature's blood because he wanted to +marry your daughter. The case looks very bad—very bad.'</p> + +<p>'What mun aw do, doctor? Connot you tell me what to do?'</p> + +<p>'I can only see one way, and that is, if we could bring him to +consciousness, and get a minister to marry them before he dies, then +you +see he would be your son-in-law, and his mother would never like to +have +it said that her daughter-in-law's father had been hanged, and the +thing +might be hushed up; the only difference would be that your daughter +would be a widow.'</p> + +<p>'A widow! an' then shoo could claim his donkey, an puttates, +an' all his +clooas, couldn't shoo?' 'Yes, certainly.'</p> + +<p>'Well, they'll be worth summat, for he's some varry gooid +clooas, an' +they'd just abaat fit me. Aw think that's th' best way to do.'</p> + +<p>'Well if it has to be done it must be done quickly. If you +will get a +marriage license and a minister, I will endeavour to restore him to +consciousness, so you had better be off.'</p> + +<p>Off went old Stooansnatch, tho' it wor nobbut four o'clock +i'th' mornin.</p> + +<p>When he'd gooan, th' doctor tell'd all 'at had happened. Bessy +begged +hard to have it put off for a wick, but Joa tawk'd soa weel, an' th' +doctor backed him i' all he sed, wol at last shoo consented.</p> + +<p>In abaat two haars, th' old man coom back, an browt th' +license an' th' +parson wi' him.</p> + +<p>'Is he livin yet?' he axed in a whisper.</p> + +<p>'Hush! yes, he still survives and is quite conscious,' an' +withaat any +moor to do he led' em into th' room an' motioned th' parson to waste +noa +time; an' he walked up to th' bedside an' takkin hold o' one o' each o' +ther hands began his nomony, an' wor varry sooin throo wi' it, an' +pronounced 'em man an' wife.</p> + +<p>It wor a gooid job at Stooansnatch turned his back wol it wor +gooin on, +for if he hadn't he mud ha smell'd a rat, an' a big en too.</p> + +<p>As sooin as it wor ovver th' doctor went to Joa an' axed him +ha he felt.</p> + +<p>'Aw think awm gettin on gradely thank yo; ha's mi fayther +gettin on?' he +sed, in a voice as laad as if he wor hawkin his greens.</p> + +<p>Th' parson wor soa takken wol he let his book tummel, an owd +Stooansnatch jumpt ommost aght ov his booits, an' turned raand to see +if +it wor possible to be Joa 'at had spokken; an when he saw him sittin +up, +winking one e'e, an' a grin all ovver his face, he luk'd at him for a +minit an then he sed, 'Joa aw allus thowt thee a daycent sooart ov a +lad, but aw niver gave thi credit for havin mich wit, but tha's getten +th' best on me this time. Tha's played thi cards pratty weel for that +lass, an' tha hasn't wasted mich time ovver th' gam, but tha's ommost +brokken mi heart.'</p> + +<p>'Well, yo've ommost brokken my heead, soa we're straight.'</p> + +<p>'Tha thinks tha's done summat clivver, but aw'll fix yo all, +for aw +willn't leave yo a hawpeny, noa net a hawpeny.'</p> + +<p>'Yo can keep all yor brass an' welcome, an' mich gooid may it +do yo, +aw've getten all yo had at aw hankered after, an soa nah aw'll get up +an' tak her wi' me, for shoo's mine nah, an' aw think that old donkey +an' me will be able to find her summat to ait, at any rate we'll try.'</p> + +<p>Joa jumpt up (for he wor varry little warse for his hurt,) an' +tellin +Bessy to put on her duds prepared to leeave.</p> + +<p>'Well, Mr. Stooansnatch,' sed th' doctor, 'a weddin is better +than a +hangin after all, isn't it?'</p> + +<p>'Hangin be hanged! yo've been just as deep i'th' muck as +they've been +i'th' mire, an' if awd my way awd hang yo all. But aw say, luk here, aw +dooant want to be made a laffin-stock on, an soa if yo'll promise niver +to mention this affair, maybe aw shall do summat for' em yet, an' if +anybody axes owt abaat it, say it wor done wi' my consent.'</p> + +<p>They all promised, an' as they wor leeavin Joa sed, 'gooid +mornin +fayther, yo mun come up an' see <i>awr</i> Bessy as oft as +yo can, we'll mak +yo welcome.'</p> + +<p>'Joa tha'rt a scaandrel if iver ther wor one, an' thee Bess, +see at tha +behaves thisen, an let' em see at tha hasn't been brought up wi' +extravagant ways; save a penny wheariver tha can, th' time may come +when +yo'll need it. Here's a bit o' summat to start wi',' he sed, an' gave +her an old bacca box an' shut th' door.</p> + +<p>They all laffed, an' as they wor goin up th' street Joa +oppen'd th' box, +an' inside wor a little bit o' paper, an' written on it thease words. +'For Bessy's wedding if she weds with my consent.' They all luk'd +curiously to see what wor in it as he slowly oppen'd it, an they could +hardly believe ther een when they saw a Bank o' England note for +£500.</p> + +<p>Well, yo may think ha capt Joa's mother wor when shoo saw him +come in +wi' Bessy on his arm, for it wor nobbut th' neet befoor 'at he'd goan +aght cooartin, an' when he saw her he sed, 'Well, mother, yo sed aw wor +gooin cracked, an' sin' aw saw yo aw've been cracked an' getten +spliced, +an' aw've browt yo a dowter; an' as aw've axed some friends o' mine to +come to ther drinkin, yo mun side all them tubs an' buy some rum, an' +let us have some rum an' teah, an' owt else yo can get us, for we want +a +gooid blowout. An' wol yo do that, Bessy an' me 'll goa to bed a bit, +for we've been up all th' neet an' awm sure shoo must be sleepy.'</p> + +<p>'Nay awm nooan sleepy Joa, thee goa to bed an' aw'll help thi +mother.'</p> + +<p>'That's reight lass,' sed his mother, 'aw mak nowt o' fowk +sleepin i'th' +day time, thee help me an' tak noa notice o' him, he isn't reight in +his +heead, aw cannot tell ha iver he caanselled thee to have him.'</p> + +<p>'Nah mother, dooant yo interfere between a man an' his wife; +yo forget +at aw've had my heead smashed sin aw saw yo, an' aw want a bit o' rest.'</p> + +<p>'Thee goa to bed an' get all th' rest tha wants, tha'll sleep +better bi +thisen 'coss tha'rt moor used to it, an' aw'll see at Bessy doesn't run +away.'</p> + +<p>'But, mother, yo see'—</p> + +<p>'Aw see nowt abaat it, an' unless tha clears aght o' this hoil +ther'll +nawther be rum an' teah nor nowt else! Bless mi life lad! does ta think +at ther wor niver onybody wed afoor thee? tha'rt war nor a child wi' a +new laikon.'</p> + +<p>Joa saw it wor noa use tawkin, soa he went aght to feed his +donkey, an' +luk after th' pigs an' poultry, an' mak believe he wor iver soa thrang.</p> + +<p>At last drinkin time coom, an' a few friends coom up, an' a +jolly time +they had. Joa luk'd joyous an' Bessy luk'd bonny, an' just befoor they +separated for th' neet an' wor all standin up to drink long life an' +prosperity to th' newly married couple, th' door oppen'd an' in coom +owd +Stooansnatch. 'Well,' he sed, 'awm just i' time,' soa seizing hold ov a +glass o' rum he says here's a toast;</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'May thease young ens +to-day has seen joined,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Find all th' pleasure ther +hearts are now cravin;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' when spendin my +brass may they find,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As mich pleasure as aw fun +i' savin.'</span><br> + +<p>Ov coorse this tooast wor drunk i' bumpers, an' sooin after +they brake +up, an' all went to ther hooams.</p> + +<p>Joa an' Bessy seem to get on varry weel together; an Joa's +mother says +'at all shoo wants to mak her happy is to be a granmother.</p> + +<p>Stooansnatch seems to be altered famously sin Bessy gate wed, +an' it is +sed (but for th' truth on it aw willn't pledge misen), 'at one day he +gave a little lad a penny to buy spice wi'. If its true, he isn't past +hooap yet.</p> + +<p>He spends th' mooast ov his time up at Joa's, but he's niver +had a +pooaker in his hand sin that neet, an' if yo want to see him mad, just +say a word abaat hangin.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Th_New_Railrooad" id="Th_New_Railrooad"></a>Th' +New Railrooad.</h2> + +<p>Yo've heeard tell abaat th new railrooad aw dar say? It's an +age o' +steeam is this! Smook nuisance and boilers brustin are ivery-day +affairs, an' ivery thing an' ivery body seem to be on at full speed. Aw +wonder 'at noabdy invents a man wi a drivin pulley at his back soa's +they could speed him up as they do a loom to soa mony picks a minit; +th' +chap 'at get's a patent for that ul mak a fortune.</p> + +<p>But after all, they dooant seem in a varry gurt hurry abaat +th' new +railroad; but we mun remember Rome wor'nt built in a day, nor a neet +nawther, an' soa we mun have patience. They've nobbut been agate two or +three year, an' although it's hardly likely at' we shall live to see it +finished, happen somedy else will, an' that's a comfort. But bi what aw +hear, ther's some fowk at Ovenden fancy it'll be finished befoor soa +varry long, an' they've started what they call "a railway trainin +class," to taich some oth' young chaps to be railway porters, soa's +they'll be ready when th' time comes. They meet in a cottage haase +twice +a wick to practice, an' they say they're gettin on furst rate. Ther's +owd Billy 'at wor once a firer-up for a veal pie shop, an' he's th' +president, an he's getten th' asthma soa bad wol if he sturs he puffs +war nor a broken winded horse, soa they call him puffin Billy. When +they're practisin', they stand o'th' side o'th' oven door i' ther +turns, +an' when Billy whistles one on 'em oppens it an' shaats aght "Change +here for Bradford Beck, Halifax, Hull and t'other shops!" then he bangs +it too ageean an shaats "All reight!" an another comes an' does th' +same. When they began at th' furst they borrowed a Tom cat o' th' old +woman, an' used to put it i' th' oven for a passenger, but one o'th' +chaps wor soa fussy, 'at he bang'd th' door too befoor it had getten +reight aght, an' chopped its tail clean off. Niver mind if th' owd +woman +didn't mak a crack—shoo declared shoo'd sue' em for +condemnation. Billy +tell'd her it ud be a Manx cat after that, but shoo sooin tell'd him +shoo wanted nooan sich lik manx; soa they have to tak ther lessons nah +withaat passenger. Two on 'em 'at's passed ther examination are +studdyin +nah for ticket collectors, an' they promise to mak varry gooid uns. +When +they practise that, they call th' haase door th' furst class, th' +cubbord th' second class, an' th' oven door th' third class, an' they +start at th' haase door furst, "Gentlemen, your tickets please," then +they goa to th' cubbord door, "Tickets," an' then to th' oven door, +"Nah +then, luk sharp wi' them tickets."</p> + +<p>But they'd a sad mishap one neet, for it seems th' owd woman +had been +bakin, and shoo forgate to mention it, soa when th' furst chap gate +hold +o' th' oven door hannel he burn'd his fingers, an' becos tother +students +lafft he sed they'd done it o' purpose; an' it led to a reglar fratch, +an' he gate into sich a rage 'at he sed he'd swallow one on em, if he +did'nt hold his din, an' it wod'nt be th' furst porter he'd swallow'd +nawther! Soa th' taicher tell'd him 'at sich like carryin on wor varry +unporterish, an' if he brake th' rules that way he'd have to be taken +before th' inspector. But nowt could quieten him till he gate his +fingers rubb'd wi sooap an' they gave ovver smartin, soa as th' oven +door wor hot they had to practice another pairt. One on 'em borrowed a +wheelbarrow, as they could'nt get a luggage lurry, an' they had to +wheel +it up an' daan th' haase floor i' ther turns, callin aght "By leave!" +An' them 'at could manage to run ovver one o' th' tother's tooas, an' +goa on as if nowt wor, gate one gooid mark, but him at could run buzz +agean a chap an' fell him wor th' next on th' list for a guard. It used +to be warm wark boath for him at wor wheelin' an' for tothers, but they +wor all on 'em bent o' bein' porters, soa they tew'd at it, detarmined +to maister all th' ins an' aghts abaat it. Whether all ther trouble +will +be thrown away or net aw connot tell, but ther's one gooid thing, it +keeps' em aght ov a war turn an' saves th' police a deal o' bother.</p> + +<p>But th' owd fowk dooant like th' idea; they see noa use i' +bringin sich +gurt stinkin things into their district, an' they've detarmined to do +all they con to stop it; when a body's been able to live 60 or 70 year +withaat sich like nonsense, they see noa reason why they shouldn't be +let finish their bit o' time aght quietly. Ther wor one young lad went +to ax his gronfayther if he mud join th' class, an' th' owd chap went +varry near into a fit, he luk'd at him for a minit, an' then he says,</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A'a, Johnny! a'a, +Johnny! aw'm sooary for thee!</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But come thi ways to me, +an' sit o' mi knee.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For it's shockin' to +hearken to th' words 'at tha says;—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther wor nooan sich like +things i' thi gronfayther's days.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When aw wor a lad, lads +wor lads, tha knows, then,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But nahdays they owt to +be 'shamed o' thersen;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For they smook, an' they +drink, an' get other bad ways;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Things wor different +once i'thi gronfayther's days.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Aw remember th' furst +day aw went coortin' a bit,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' walked aght thi +gronny;—awst niver forget;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For we blushed wol us +faces wor all in a blaze;—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It wor nooa sin to blush +i' thi gronfayther's days.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther's nooa lasses nah, +John, 'at's fit to be wed;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They've false teeth i' +ther maath, an' false hair o' ther heead:</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They're a make-up o' +buckram, an' waddin', an' stays,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But a lass wor a lass i' +thi gronfayther's days.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">At that time a tradesman +dealt fairly wi th' poor,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But nah a fair dealer +can't keep oppen th' door;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He's a fooil if he +fails, he's a scamp if he pays;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther wor honest men +lived i' thi gronfayther's days.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther's chimleys an' +factrys i' ivery nook nah,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But ther's varry few +left 'at con fodder a caah;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' ther's telegraff +poles all o'th' edge o'th' highways,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Whear grew bonny green +trees i' thi gronfayther's days.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We're teld to be +thankful for blessin's 'ats sent,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' aw hooap 'at tha'll +allus be blessed wi content:</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tha mun mak th' best tha +con o' this world wol tha stays,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But aw wish tha'd been +born i' thi gronfayther's days.<br> + +<br> + +</span> +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Mose_Harts_Twelvth_Mess" id="Mose_Harts_Twelvth_Mess"></a>Mose Hart's Twelvth +Mess.</h2> + +<p>'Holloa! whear ta for, Dick? Tha'rt donned up fearful grand.'</p> + +<p>'Nay, aw nobbut wish aw knew whear aw wor, but aw connot tell +for th' +life on me; but tha can happen put me into th' end, for awm seekin "Th' +Fiddle Brig an' Blow Pipe Music Saloon," for aw've getten two tickets +for a grand consart 'at's gooin to be gien bi some Morpheus Musical +Society, an' aw've rammel'd abaat for a gooid clock haar, an' awm +blow'd +if aw can find th' shop.'</p> + +<p>'Why, if tha's getten two tickets tha mud as weel gie me one, +an' aw'll +goa hooam an' get donned, an' we'st be company.'</p> + +<p>'Bith' heart, lad, aw wish tha wod; aw dooant care bein my +share towards +a quairt if tha'll goa, but awm feeard we'st be lat; doesn't ta think +them clooas tha has on'll do?'</p> + +<p>'Nay, tha sees mi britches knee is brussen.'</p> + +<p>'Ne'er heed, aw'l leearn thi mi kerchy, an' then as sooin as +tha's +getten set daan tha can spreead it ovver thi knees, an' nobdy'll iver +know owt abaat it.'</p> + +<p>'Well, if tha doesn't mind aw dooant, for a chap had better +have a hoil +in his clooas nor a hoil in his karracter, soa let's try to find this +place. Sithee! what does that sign say 'at's hingin' aght o' th' +charmer +winder?'</p> + +<p>'Nay, Seth, tha knows awm noa reader, an' besides aw havn't mi +specks, +but what does ta mak it into?'</p> + +<p>'Well, ther's a Hess, an' a Hay, an' a Hell, an' two Hoes, an' +a Hen, +what does that spell?'</p> + +<p>'Nay, aw connot tell, but it'll nooan be what we want awm +sewer o' that, +for thear's noa hens abaat thear.'</p> + +<p>'Ha hens, lumpheead! It's th' letter N aw sed.'</p> + +<p>'Litter hen! why aw nivver heeard o' sich o' thing; aw've +heeard o' pigs +havin litters but nivver hens, we call 'em cletches.'</p> + +<p>'Tha gets less sense, Dick, ivvery day, aw do think. Doesn't +ta +understand? Ther's a Hess, an' a Hay, an' a Hell, an' two Hoes, an' a +Hen, an' that spells saloon, or else aw've forgetten my algibra.'</p> + +<p>'Well, well, happen it does; tha's noa need to get soa +cross-grained +abaat it; if tha goes on like that aw'll gie th' ticket to somdy else, +nah mark that.'</p> + +<p>'Tha can gie it to who the duce tha's a mind, Dick; awm +nawther beholden +to thee nor to thi ticket, soa crack that nut!'</p> + +<p>'Well, tha's noa need to be soa chuff. Here's th' ticket an' +mi kerchy, +an' nah tha con follow clois to me an' we'll goa up stairs. Aw con hear +some mewsic bi nah, come on.'</p> + +<p>Just as they oppened th' door all th' singers wor standin up +to begin.</p> + +<p>'Dooant stand up for th' sake o' us,' sed Dick, 'get on wi' +yer mewsic, +we can caar daan onywhear.' Iverybody laff'd when Dick sed soa, an' as +they didn't know what they wor laffin at they thowt it wor at Seth's +britches.</p> + +<p>'Yo've noa need to laff,' sed Seth, 'aw've some better at +hooam.'</p> + +<p>'Silence! silence!' bawled aght a lot o' fowk; an' when all +wor quiet, +th' chap at th' far end began shakkin a bit ov a stick 'at he had, an' +Seth sed, 'Tha's noa need to shak thi stick at me,' but what he sed +beside wor lost, for all th' singers struck up, an' Dick an' Seth set +daan o' th' edge ov a big drum 'at ther wor in th' nook. In a bit Seth +axed th' chap 'at set next to him what they wor singin.</p> + +<p>'It's Mozart's Twelfth Mass,' he sed.</p> + +<p>'Why, what dooant they turn him aght for?'</p> + +<p>'Turn who aght?' sed th' chap lukkin raand.</p> + +<p>'Why, Mose Hart. If he worked at awr shop he'd be secked for +one mess, +niver tawk abaat twelve.'</p> + +<p>'Whisht!' sed th' chap, an' gave Seth a drive wi' his elbow +just between +his brace buttons, an' Seth went daan wi' a soss onto th' drum end, an' +throo it he went wi' a crack as laad as a pistol gooin off.</p> + +<p>'Thear, tha's done it,' sed Dick; 'Tha's letten all th' mewsic +aght o' +that, onyway; they owt to ha made a drum major o' thee.'</p> + +<p>'It's noa fawt o' mine,' he sed, as he tried to scramel aght. +'Let me +catch hold o' that chap' at knocked th' wind aght o' me, an' if aw +dooant drum him it'll be becoss aw connot.'</p> + +<p>When he gate to his feet he luk'd raand, but th' chap had +mizel'd, but +all th' singers wor standin raand laffin fit to split.</p> + +<p>'Are yo laffin becoss mi britches knees is brussen or becose +th' drum +end's brussen, aw'd like to know?'</p> + +<p>'What's th' matter wi' thi? tha'rt as mad as if tha'd +swoller'd th' drum +asteead o'th' drum swollerin thee; tha mud ha getten thi bally +brussen,' +sed Dick.</p> + +<p>'It's very plain to me that there will be no more harmony here +this +ev'ning,' sed th' little man 'at wor shakkin th' stick, 'and so I shall +leave you, an' I hope those who have tickets to dispose of, will in +future give them to persons who can appreciate music.'</p> + +<p>'Aw'll mak thee sick for two pins,' sed Seth, 'if tha says owt +agean me, +aw'll sing thee for glasses raand ony day.'</p> + +<p>The conductor sed no more but went home.</p> + +<p>'Who is yond leckterin fooil?' sed Seth, to a chap 'at stood +near.</p> + +<p>'That's th' conductor.'</p> + +<p>'Corn doctor, is he? Why, what does he want at a singing doo? +Connot yo +cut yor own corns?'</p> + +<p>'Tha doesn't understand, he's th' leeader.'</p> + +<p>'Well, if he's th' leeader, what dooant yo follow him for? But +nah luk +here! aw'll tell yo what aw'll do. Aw've been th' cause o' braikin up +yor spree, soa suppoas yo all stop an' have a bit ov a doo wi' me; +aw've +getten a shillin or two an' we'll send for some ale an' mak a reglar +free-an-easy on it.'</p> + +<p>'Hear! hear!' sed one.</p> + +<p>'Ov course we'll have it here, whear else does ta want it!' +Soa they all +agreed to sit daan, and Seth sent for two gallon o' ale an' some bacca, +an' nooan on 'em seemed to be sooary 'at things had turned aght as they +had.</p> + +<p>When they'd all had a second tot, an' getten ther pipes let, +they made +Seth into th' cheerman, an' he sed they'd have to excuse him for net +knowin ther names, but when he wanted to call anybody up he'd do his +best to mak 'em understand who he meant, an' to begin wi, he should mak +bould to ax that chap wi' th' big nooas to sing a song.</p> + +<p>Nubdy stirred, soa Seth pointed him aght an' sed, 'Will that +chap wi' +th' red peg i'th' middle ov his face oblige the company with a song?'</p> + +<p>Th' chap couldn't mistak who wor meant this time, so he gate +up.</p> + +<p>'Mister cheerman,' he sed, 'aw doant know 'at my nooas owes yo +or +onybody else owt, an' why it should be remarked aw can't tell.'</p> + +<p>'Aw should think it owes thee a gooid deal,' sed th' cheerman. +'If tha +doesn't want it to be remarked tha shouldn't paint it sich a bright +colour; but get on wi' th' singing.'</p> + +<p>'Awm noa singer, aw play a offerclyde, but awm thinkin' o' +changin, an' +leearnin th' fiddle.'</p> + +<p>'That's reight, lad, do. Awm sure it'll tak all th' wind tha +has to blow +that peg o' thine i' cold weather; a fiddle 'll suit thee better, an' +tha'll niver be fast for a spot to hing up thi stick. But it's a song +we +want, an' not a speech, an' if tha doesn't sing tha'll be fined a +quairt.'</p> + +<p>That settled it; soa, clearin his voice, he began—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Tho' the sober shake the +head,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And drink water, boys, +instead,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And the foolish all +strong liquors do decry;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Yet the foaming glass for +me,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">May we never, never see</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">A friend without a +draught when dry.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then quaff, boys, quaff, +and let's be merry;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Why should dull care be +crowned a king?</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Let us have another +drain, till the night begins to wane,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And the bonny, bonny +morn peeps in.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Let us drown each selfish +soul</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Deep in the flowing bowl;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Let the rosy god of wine +take the throne;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And he who cannot boast</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Some good humour in his +toast,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Let him wander in the +world alone.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 8em;">Then quaff, boys, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">O, I love a jolly face,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And I love a pretty lass,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And I love to see the +young and old around;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Then with frolic and with +fun</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Let both wine and moments +run,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And the hearty, hearty +laugh resound.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 8em;">Then quaff, boys, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">When man was placed on +earth</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">He was naked at his birth,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But God a robe of reason +round him threw;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">First he learned to blow +his nose,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Then he learned to make +his clothes,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And then he learned to +bake and brew.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 8em;">Then, quaff, boys, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">If it's wrong to press the +vine—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Thus to make the rosy wine,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then it must be wrong to +crush the wheaten grain;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But we'll laugh such +things to scorn,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And although it's coming +morn,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Just join me in another +drain.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 8em;">Then quaff, boys, +&c.</span><br> + +<p>'E'e gow, lad! that's a rare song. Aw'll say nowt noa moor +abaat thy +nooas after that, but tha munnot sing that amang teetotallers. It's thy +call nah, let's keep it movin, call for who or what tha likes.'</p> + +<p>'Well, if awm to call, aw shall call th' landlord to fill this +pitcher, +for this pipe o' mine's varry dry.'</p> + +<p>'All reight, lad, order it to be filled, aw'll pay for it, an +wol +they're fotchin it call o' somdy for a song or summat.'</p> + +<p>'Well, aw call o'th' cheerman for a song.'</p> + +<p>'Nay, lad, tha munnot call o' me, for if awd to start ony mak +ov mewsic +aw should niver get throo it.'</p> + +<p>'Yo went throo th' drum easy enuff,' said one.</p> + +<p>'Eea, an' he brag'd he could sing better ner awr conductor,' +sed +another.</p> + +<p>'Nah chaps, aw'll do my best to mak it a pleasant neet, an' as +th' ale +has just come up aw'll give yo a tooast an' a sentiment booath i' one.'</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Hold up yer heads, tho' at +poor workin men</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Simple rich ens may laff +an' may scorn;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">May be they ne'er haddled +ther riches thersen,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Somdy else lived afoor +they wor born,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">As noble a heart may be +fun in a man</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 2.5em;">'At's a poor fusten coit +for his best,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An 'at knows he mun work +or else he mun clam,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As yo'll find i' one mich +better drest.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Soa, here's to all th' +workers wheariver they be,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">I'th' land, or i'th' loom, +or i'th' saddle;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And the dule tak all +them 'at wod mak us less free,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Or rob us o'th' wages we +haddle.</span><br> + +<p>'Them's just my sentiment,' sed one o'th' singers, 'an' +aw dooant care who hears me say it, for aw dooant care +whether a chap's coit is aght o'th' elbows or his britches +knees brussen, noa matter if he's——'</p> + +<p>'Thee shut up,' sed Seth, 'it's my call next, an' aw want +thee to know, owd fiddle-face, 'at tha can give ovver talking +abaat fowks clooas, an' sing as sooin an tha likes.'</p> + +<p>'Mr. Cheerman, aw nobbut know one, but as sooin as +aw've supt aw'll start, shove th' ale this rooad.'</p> + +<p>'Get supt then, it taks more bother to start thee singin +nor what it taks to start th' Dyke Engin.'</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All kinds of songs I've +heard folks sing,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Of things in every nation;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Of Queen's Road swells, +and Clarehall belles,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And every new sensation.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But I've a song you +never heard,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Although the music's +ancient;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">It's all about one +Doctor Bird,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And his fascinating +patient.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">So list to me</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">And I'll tell you all +the story of this Doctor B.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">One day he sat within +his room,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">By draughts and pills +surrounded;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Strange pictures hanging +on the walls</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Which timid folks +confounded.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He heard the bell, and +strange to tell,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">He quickly changed his +manner,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And in there came his +bosom's flame</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">His darling Mary Hannah.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">So list to me, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Sweet Mary Hannah!' +'Doctor dear'—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Such was their salutation;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'I've come,' sed she, +'for much I fear,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">I've got the palpitation.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'O never mind,' says +Doctor B.,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">'You need not long endure +it;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Just come a little +nearer me,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">I fancy I can cure it.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">But list to me, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He took a loving, long +embrace,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Cries she, 'Oh, dear, +that's shocking!'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">When the doctor's boy, +to mar their joy,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Just entered without +knocking.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And when he saw the +state o' things,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Then down the stairs he +hurried,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And ran to tell the +Doctor's wife,—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">For Doctor B. was married.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">So list to me, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The Doctor seized his +hat and cane,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And cried, 'Dear Mary, +hook it!'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Then down he ran, and +found a cab,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And in an instant took +it—</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Drive for your life and +fetch my wife,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And need no second +telling!'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And in a very little time</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">They reached the Doctor's +dwelling.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">So list to me, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">His wife was there, said +he, 'My dear</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Come with me to the city,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">I'm lonely when you are +not near,'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Says she, 'Why that's a +pity.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He took her to the self +same room,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And in the self same +manner;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He kissed and coaxed his +lawful wife,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">As he'd just kissed Mary +Hannah.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">So list to me, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">In loving talk some time +they spent,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Says she, 'now I'll go +shopping;'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He kissed her and as out +she went,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">The Doctor's boy came +hopping;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">He saw her and he +quickly cried,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">'O, please excuse me +missus,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But Doctor's got a girl +inside,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And he's smothering her +with kisses.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">So list to me, +&c.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'You little sneaking +cur,' she cried,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">'That shows that you've +been peeping.'</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">She boxed his ears from +side to side</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And quickly sent him +weeping.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">The Doctor rubbed his +hands and smiled,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To think how well he'd +plan'd it,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And Mrs. B.'s quite +reconciled,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">But the boy don't +understand it.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">So you all see</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">What a very cunning +fellow was this Doctor B.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Now all you married men +so gay,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Just listen to my moral;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Indulge your wives in +every way,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And thus avoid a quarrel.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Pray do your best to +settle down,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Nor with the fair ones +frisk it;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">You might not fare like +Doctor B.,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">It isn't safe to risk it.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">For you can see</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 4.5em;">How very near in trouble +was this Doctor B.</span><br> + +<p>'Is that th' only song tha knows young man?'</p> + +<p>'That's all aw know, Mr. Cheerman.'</p> + +<p>'Why, tak my advice an' forget it as sooin as tha can, +for aw niver heeard a war, an' see if tha cannot find a better. +Nah tha can call for th' next.'</p> + +<p>'Well, aw'll call o' owd Miles, an' if he con do ony better +aw'll pay for th' next gallon.'</p> + +<p>Old Miles stood up, an' crossed his hands i' front an +turned up his een as if he wor gooin to relate his experience +at a prayer-meetin, an' began:</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They may talk of pure +love but its fleeting at best;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Let them ridicule gold if +they will;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But money's the thing +that has long stood the test,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And is longed for and +sought after still.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Love must kick the +balance against a full purse,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And you'll find if you +live to four score,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">That whativer your +troubles the heaviest curse,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Is to drag on your life +and be poor.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">If you sigh after titles +and long for high rank,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Let this be your aim night +and day,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">To increase the small +balance you have at your bank,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">And to honors' 't will +soon point the way.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For you'll find that men +bow to the glittering dross,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Whate'er its possessor may +be;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">And if obstacles rise +they will help you across,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">If you only can boast +£. s. d.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">See that poor man in +rags, bending under his load,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">He passes unnoticed along:</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">No one lends him a hand +as he goes on his road,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">He must toil as he can +through the throng.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But if he was wealthy, +how many would fly</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">To assist him and offer +the hand;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But he's poor, so they +leave him to toil or to die,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">That's the rule in this +Christian land.</span><br> + +<p>'Nah, that's summat like a song; aw could lizzen to that all +th' neet, +an' aw think yo'll all agree 'at owd fiddle face has lost his gallon. +Nah, lad, does ta hear? Tak to payin.'</p> + +<p>But he didn't hear, for he'd quietly slipped away an' left 'em +wi' a +empty pitcher. 'Well, he's a mean owd stick, onyway; but aw'll pay for +it fillin once moor. An' nah, Miles, it's yor turn to call.'</p> + +<p>'Mr. Cheerman, aw'll call o' yor friend for th' next.'</p> + +<p>'A'a, lad,' sed Dick, 'tha should pass by me, for aw niver +sang a song +i' mi life, an' awm to old to start, but if yo've noa objections aw'll +give yo a recitation.'</p> + +<p>'Gooid lad, Dick, goa on! Tha'rt gam, aw know.'</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ov all th' enjoyments' +at sweeten man's life,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Ther's nooan can come up +to a sweet tempered wife;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' he must be lonesome, +an' have little pleasure,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At doesn't possess sich +a woman to treasure.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But them 'at expect when +they tak hooam a bride,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At nowt nobbut sunshine +wi' them will abide,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' think 'at noa sorrow +will iver oppress,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They'll find ther mistak +aght, yo'll easily guess.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">For th' mooast +fascinatin an' lovable elves,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Are all on 'em mortal, +just th' same as ussels,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' show tempers 'at +sometimes are net ovver pleasant,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They find fault whear +ther's room, an' sometimes whear ther isn't,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' to get there own +way, why they'll kiss, coax, or cavil,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">They'll smile like an +angel, or storm like the devil.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But aw've monny times +sed, an' aw say it ageean,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'At women are ofter +i'th' reight nor are th' men,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Just fancy gooin hooam +to a bachelor's bed,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">All shudderin an' +shakkin yo lig daan yor heead.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">There's a summat a +wantin, 'at fills yo wi' fear,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Yo can turn as yo like, +but you find it's not thear,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' yo freeat an' yo +fitter, or weep like a willow;</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' for want o' owt +better, mak love to a pillow.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But him 'at's been +blessed wi' a wife he can love,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Liggs his heead on her +breast pure as snow from above,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' ther's nubdy could +buy it for silver or gold,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' he wodn't exchange +it for Abrahams of old.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' he falls hard +asleep, wi' her arm raand his neck,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' gets up lik a lark, +an' then works like a brick.</span><br> + +<p>'Nah, friends, aw wish to say a few words befoor aw goa. Awm +varry sorry +'at aw brack that drum, but yo see it wor an accident, an' aw've done +my +best to mak it up, an' as Dick's recitation maks me think awd better be +gettin hooam, or aw shall happen find it varry warm when aw get thear. +Aw'll nobbut call o' one moor befoor sayin gooid neet, an' that's Mose +Hart. If he's hear aw should like him to try agean; ther's nowt like +perseverance, an' if a chap fails twelve times th' thirteenth may pay +for all.'</p> + +<p>'Mr. Cheerman, Mozart wor deead long befoor yo wor born or +thowt on.'</p> + +<p>'Then that chap 'at dug his elbow into my guts tell'd me a +lie, for he +sed he'd just made a mess for th' twelfth time when aw come in.'</p> + +<p>Ther wor a crack o' laffin when he sed that, for th' chaps saw +his +mistak, an' soa one on 'em went quietly up to him an' explained it. 'O, +then,' he sed, 'if he's deead we may as weel goa hooam, an' all aw've +getten to say is 'at ony time yo chonce to come by awr haase, just luk +in an' aw'll mak yo welcome, an' my owd lass'll mak yo a mess o' some +sooart 'at'll do yo some gooid. Yo'll find it easy, for aw live th' +next +door to th' Pig an' Whistle, an' soa aw wish yo all a varry gooid +neet—Come on Dick.'</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Th_Hoil-ith-Hill_Statty" id="Th_Hoil-ith-Hill_Statty"></a>Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill +Statty.</h2> + +<p>CHAPTER I.</p> + +<p>Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill Fowld wor a quiet little place; ther wor +sixteen +haases altogether, four on each side ov a big square yard, an' a pump +i'th' middle. Th' fowk 'at lived thear had mooast on 'em been born +thear, an' ther'd been soa monny weddin's amang 'em wol they wor all +summat moor or less akin. Niver i'th' memory o'th' oldest on 'em had +ther been ony change i'th' fowld, except nah an' then a bit o' fresh +paint wor put on th' doors an' winders, until one day th' landlord coom +and browt two or three smart lukkin chaps' at begun to messure hear an' +thear, an' all th' wimmen an' th' childer watched' em wi' as mich +anxiety as if they wor gooin to pool all th' haases daan.</p> + +<p>Th' chaps wor all off at ther wark, but when they coom hooam +at neet +they wor sooin made acquainted wi' all 'at had gooan on, an' when +they'd +getten ther drinkins, one after another walked aght, wol they wor all +met together raand th' pump.</p> + +<p>'What does ta mak on it, Jacob?' sed one o'th' younger end, +spaikin to +an owd man wi' a grey heead. 'What does ta think they meean to do?'</p> + +<p>'Nay aw connot tell, unless it's some o' them wrang-heeaded +fowk 'at th' +maister wor tawkin abaat, 'at want to start a schooil booard or some +new-fangled noation.'</p> + +<p>'Why, what mak o' schooils is them schooil board consarns?'</p> + +<p>'Aw dooant know, nobbut it's a schooil whear yo send childer +to leearn +ther letters, an' they booard 'em at same time.'</p> + +<p>'Why, that's nooan a bad thing if they give 'em owt daycent to +ait.'</p> + +<p>'Does ta think they'll have owt at we shalln't have to pay +for? Did ta +iver know th' Corporation give owt for nowt? All aw wish is 'at they'd +let us alooan. We've getten on here for aboon fifty year withaat ony o' +ther bother, an' aw could like to finish my bit o' time aght as we are.'</p> + +<p>They all agreed wi' this, an th' wimmen 'at had gethered raand +to harken +sed they thowt soa too, an' it ud seem 'em better if they'd luk after +ther own wives an' childer a bit moor, and net come botherin thear.</p> + +<p>When th' bacca wor done, they went back into ther haases, one +bi one, +an' went to bed, but ther wor a sooart ov a claad hung ovver 'em all, +and they didn't sleep varry weel.</p> + +<p>Next mornin, as they started off for th' day, they each gave a +luk +raand, as if to fix iverything i' ther mind, for fear when they coom +back they'd niver be able to own th' spot.</p> + +<p>Sooin after they'd gooan, a lot o' navvies coom an' started o' +diggin. +Wor'nt th' wimmin aght in a crack! 'What are yo baan to do?' they sed.</p> + +<p>'We're gooin to put yo all watter in,' sed th' gaffer, 'soas +yo can do +withaat this pump.'</p> + +<p>'We dooant want ony watter puttin in; when we want watter we +can fotch +it,—goa abaat yor business!'</p> + +<p>But he tell'd 'em they'd getten orders to do it, an th' +landlord had +agreed, soa they went on wi ther wark.</p> + +<p>Nah, th' chap 'at had takken this job to do, hadn't takken it +bi th' +day; he'd agreed to do it for soa mich, soa yo may bet he kept' em all +at it, an' it tuk varry little time to dig an' get th' pipes laid; an' +then th' plumbers wor waitin to start, an' iverybody wor as thrang as +if +ther lives depended on it bein finished that day,—an' it wor +finished,—an' as sooin as it wor done they set to wark an' +pool'd daan +th' owd pump, an' laid some flags ovver th' well, an' went hooam.</p> + +<p>Th' wimmin didn't know whether to be pleased wi' th' new taps +or mad +abaat th' loss o'th' pump, an' soa they sed nowt until ther fellies +coom +back. It worn't monny minits afoor they began to coom hooam, an' as +sooin as they saw th' pump ligged o'th' graand an' th' well covered up, +they luk'd like—weel, it's noa use me tryin to tell what they +luk'd +like, for they luk'd so monny different ways 'at aw should be fast +amang +it; but ther worn't one on 'em suited, an' net one 'em had patience to +luk at th' new taps.</p> + +<p>Owd Jacob spit his teah aght ov his maath as sooin as he +tasted it. 'Aw +knew ha it ud be,' he sed, 'if iver we lost that pump.'</p> + +<p>'Why, what's th' matter?' sed his dowter.</p> + +<p>'Matter! connot ta taste th' difference between that watter +an' th' +watter tha used to get aght o'th' pump?'</p> + +<p>'Why, father,' shoo sed, 'that is pump watter, for aw pump'd +it mysen +befoor they pool'd it daan.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, did ta. It wor happen a bit o' bacca aw had i' mi maath. +But allus +bear this i' mind, if iver tha gets wed an' should leave this fowld +niver go to live whear ther isn't a pump.'</p> + +<p>After th' drinkin all th' chaps could be seen standin i'th' +door hoils, +leeanin agean th' jawm, for they felt lost, an' didn't know whear to +goa. They'd allus been i'th' habit o' getherin raand th' owd pump, an' +it seemed nah as if they couldn't tell whear to stand for th' pump had +acted as cheerman for' em when they had ther argyfyin +meetins,—an' a +varry gooid cheerman too.</p> + +<p>At last one on 'em screwed up courage to goa an' luk at th' +owd pump +case as it ligged i'th' muk, an' then one an' another joined him, wol +it +luk'd for all th' world as if they wor holdin an inquest.</p> + +<p>'That's been a gooid friend to us all,' sed Jacob, 'an' aw +dooant like +to see it liggin thear.'</p> + +<p>'Noa, moor do aw,' sed another, 'an' it luks a sooart o' +desolate, sin +they tuk th' guts aght.'</p> + +<p>'Aw wish somdy'd tak their guts aght,' sed Levi, 'it ud sarve +'em +reight. But what mun we do wi' it! Th' fowld luks lost withaat it. +Suppooas we put it up agean just to luk at?'</p> + +<p>'Aw propooas we bury it,' sed Jacob, 'an' then raise a +monement ovver +it. It desarves one better nor lots 'at get 'em. It wor allus sober, +an' +minded its own business, an' niver refused to give owt it had if yo +shook it bi th' hand.'</p> + +<p>'Well, but whear mun we bury it?' sed Jonas.</p> + +<p>'Aw think,' sed Jacob, ''at as it's had a wattery life, it owt +to have a +wattery grave. Let's pool them flags up an' drop it into th' well.'</p> + +<p>They all agreed to this, soa it worn't monny minits befoor +they had th' +well oppened, an' wor ready to drop it in, but one o'th' women happened +to ax 'who wor gooin to read ovver it.' Nah this had n ver struck nooan +on' em befoor, an' they saw at once 'at it should be attended to.</p> + +<p>'Whear's Elkanah?' sed Jacob. 'He's allus ready wi' a speech, +let's see +what he can find to say.' Soa one on 'em whistled, an' Elkanah coom, +an' +they tell'd him what they wanted.</p> + +<p>'All reight,' he sed, 'but if yor baan to bury it like that aw +think +ther owt to be a burryin drinkin.'</p> + +<p>'That's reight, Kana!' shaated th' wimmin, 'let's have it +reight if we +have it at all.'</p> + +<p>'That's my noation,' sed Elkanah, 'an aw'll see what aw con +collect +befoor we bury it,—aw'll be a shillin.'</p> + +<p>'Soa will aw,' 'soa will aw,' 'aw'll be another,' an ther wor +sooin +thirteen shillin an' sixpence sam'd up. 'Nah, awm ready,' he sed, 'tak +off yor hats, an' handle it gently for its rayther rotten.' They all +did +as they wor tell'd, an' havin getten ready Elkanah spake,—</p> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Into this well soa deep,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We put thee daan to +sleep,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Farewell owd pump.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">Tho' some may thee +despise,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">We know tha'rt sure to +rise</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Up wi' a jump.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">'Tha's sarved thi +purpose weel,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">An' all thi neighbors +feel</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Sad at thi fate.</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">But as tha's had thi day,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 1.5em;">This is all we've to say,</span><br> + +<span style="margin-left: 3em;">Ger aght o'th' gate.'</span><br> + +<p>After this one on 'em struck up a temperance hymn, an' bi th' +time +they'd getten through an' th' owd pump wor sent to its restin place two +o'th' wimmen wor ready wi' a gallon o' rum an' ale mixed, an' they +totted it aght i' pint pots. This didn't go far amang th' lot, soa they +fotched another an another wol ther brass wor done, an' then separated +wi' heavy hearts an' rayther leet heeads an' went to bed, feelin glad +to +know 'at they'd done all they could towards payin a fittin tribute to +an +owd friend.</p> + +<p>CHAPTER II.</p> + +<p>Next day wor a gloomy day i'th' Hoil-i'th'-Fowld; whether it +wor grief +for th' loss o'th' pump, or th' effects o'th' rum an' ale, aw connot +say, but all th' chaps stopt at hooam, an' it wor ommost dinner time +when they mustered i'th' middle o'th' yard, an' owd Jacob, who'd been +puffin at a empty pipe for a long time, luk'd up an' spake.</p> + +<p>'Lads,' he sed, 'it seems to me 'at this yard will niver luk +like itsen +agean, unless we have summat standin up i'th' middle i'th' place ov th' +owd pump; an' aw've been tryin to think what it had better be, but aw +can't mak up mi mind abaat it. What do yo think?'</p> + +<p>'Suppooas we put a tombstun ovver th' pump,' sed Elkanah.</p> + +<p>'Tha wants th' job o' writin th' hepitaf, does ta?' sed Jonas.</p> + +<p>'Well, aw dooant think that ud do, for a tombstun is nobbut a +varry +gloomy sooart ov a thing at th' best hand. Nah, what do you say if we +have a statty? Aw think a statty ud look noble an' inspirin like.'</p> + +<p>'Eea, aw think soa too,' sed Simeon, 'but who mun we have a +statty on? +Mun it be th' landlord?'</p> + +<p>'Landlord be blow'd! What mun we have a statty o' him for? We +see enuff +o' him ivery month when he comes for his rent.'</p> + +<p>'Well, who mun it be?'</p> + +<p>'Aw dooant know 'at it matters mich who it is, for they put up +stattys +to onybody nah days, nobbut we mun pick aght somdy 'at gets a daycent +wage, 'coss he'll have to find pairt o'th' brass. Nah, ther's Kana +thear; he isn't baat a two or three paand. Suppooas we put one up to +Kana?'</p> + +<p>'Why, what's Kana iver done 'at he should have a statty?'</p> + +<p>'What difference does that mak? What's lots o' fowk done 'at +get +stattys? Worn't his fayther th' bell-man for monny a year? an' didn't +owd Sally his mother, bake the best havvercake 'at yo could get i'th' +district? An' a statty's a statty noa matter who's it is? What says ta +Kana?'</p> + +<p>'Well aw dooant know ha mich it'll cost. What is it to be made +on?'</p> + +<p>'Oh, we'll have it made o' wood,—th' pump wor a +wooden un, an' Simeon's +a wood turner, an' he'll turn it cheap, willn't ta Simeon?'</p> + +<p>'Aw'll do it as reasonable as aw con. Aw think aw could get up +a varry +gooid en for abaat thirty shillin.'</p> + +<p>'Well, aw'll be ten shillin,' sed Kana, 'an' tother can be +subscribed +for at a penny a wick a piece.'</p> + +<p>'Why, that's fair enuff, lads, what do yo say?'</p> + +<p>'We'll all agree to that,' sed Jonas, 'but whear mun we put +it? May be +'as th' Corporation's taen away th' pump they may want to shift th' +statty.'</p> + +<p>'Corporation be hanged! we'll put it up thear an' let them +mell on it +'at dar.'</p> + +<p>'Well' sed Simeon, 'aw'll start it reight away, but aw'st want +Kana to +sit aside o'th' lathe wol awm turnin, or else awst niver be able to get +a likeness on him.'</p> + +<p>'Oh, th' likeness matters nowt; tha can paint his name on it +an' then +iverybody'll know whose it is.'</p> + +<p>'After a bit moor tawk they sauntered off, some one way an' +some +another, an' amused thersens as weel as they could wol bed time, an' +then went to sleep, all except Simeon; he could'nt sleep, for he didn't +like to admit 'at he couldn't turn a statty, an' still he didn't know +ha +to start; but he wor bent o' having th' thirty shillin ony way.</p> + +<p>Next mornin he made a beginnin, an' he thowt he'd turn th' +body pairt +first, an' he made a varry daycent job on it he thowt, an' when they +ax'd him at neet ha he wor gettin on, he tell'd 'em th' belly piece wor +all reight, an' he'd have it all done bi Setterdy neet; an' he kept his +word, an' when they all coom hooam thear it wor, wi' a gurt bedquilt +ovver it, waitin to be unveiled, an' yo con bet it worn't long befoor +they'd all swallow'd ther drinkin an' wor waitin—all except +Kana, he +felt a sooart o' modest abaat it an' had to be fotched aght.</p> + +<p>Jacob wor th' cheerman, an' they maanted him on a peggytub +turned upside +daan; but he wor a sooart o' fast what to say, soa he ax'd Simeon. +'Why,' he sed, tha mun praise th' statty, an' say it's a life-like +portrait, an' then tha mun tell all th' gooid things tha knows abaat +Kana.'</p> + +<p>'Why, but aw dooant know nowt varry gooid abaat him, nobbut he +can cure +a bit o' bacon dacently.'</p> + +<p>'Niver heed, tha mun say all tha thinks he owt to ha done, +it'll do just +as weel.'</p> + +<p>Kana wor wonderin all th' time what he'd have to say, soa he +called +Jonas o' one side an' axed him.</p> + +<p>'Oh, thy pairt's easy enuff. Tha mun thank 'em all, an' say +it's th' +praadest day o' thi life; but dooant say owt abaat thi own ten shillin, +coss it willn't do for iverybody to know that; an' then as tha's nowt +to +booast on thisen, put in a word or two abaat thi father. Owt tha says +obaat thi father is sure to goa daan.'</p> + +<p>'Order! order!' shaated two or three as Jacob gate ready to +spaik. +'Feller citizens, an' citizenesses, under this bed quilt is a statty +erected to th' memory of Kana, an' it's put here asteead o'th' pump. +You +all know Kana. He's a daycent sooart ov a chap, an' we thowt he owt to +have a statty. At onyrate, we wanted a statty, an' it mud as weel be +Kana's as onybody's else. He's a varry daycent chap, as aw sed befoor, +an' upright—varry upright—as upright—as +upright as a yard o' pump +watter. An' aw've noa daat he's honest; aw niver knew him trusted wi' +owt, but varry likely if he wor he'd stick to it. He's a gentleman, th' +bit ther is on him, an' he allus pays his rent. Aw could say a gooid +deeal moor, but th' least sed is th' sooinest mended, an' as yo all +want +to see what's under this quilt, aw'll say no moor but show yo at once.'</p> + +<p>Off coom th' quilt, an' ther wor th' statty, but it didn't +stand on its +feet, for it wor raised on a powl, an' turned raand like a weathercock. +Worn't ther a shaat when they saw it! Didn't they swing ther hats +raand! +Niver mind!</p> + +<p>'Well,' sed Jacob, 'tha's made a gooid job o' that, Simeon; +it's as nice +a bit o' wood as aw've seen for a long time, but what made thi have it +to turn raand?'</p> + +<p>'Eea, it's a bit o' nice wood, an' them buttons 'at aw put in +for his +een cost me sixpence a-piece. Aw thowt it wor noa use puttin a nooas +on, +for tha sees it ud be sure to get brokken off, an' th' reason aw made +it +to turn raand is becoss aw thowt it wor hardly fair 'at fowk 'at live +o' +one side o' th' fowld should have his face to luk at allus, an' tother +side his back; soa nah we con have it lukkin one way one day an' +another +th' next. But whisht! Kana's baan to spaik.'</p> + +<p>'Kind friends, aw just stand up to spaik a few words hopin to +find yo +all weel as aw am at present. If onybody had tell'd my fayther 'at his +son wod iver have a statty like that, aw think it wod ha brokken his +heart. This is a praad day for me, an' aw shall niver see this work o' +art withaat thinkin abaat what it cost. My father wor a gooid man, an' +awm his son, an' this is my statty, an' aw thank yo one an' all, soa +noa +moor at present, throo yours truly, Elkanah.'</p> + +<p>When he'd done ther wor some moor shaatin, an' then one o'th' +wimmen sed +shoo'd a word or two to say.</p> + +<p>'Silence for Mary o' Sarah's!'</p> + +<p>'Me an' tother wimmen has been tawkin it ovver,' shoo sed, +'an' we think +'at if ther wor a gooid strong hook driven in th' top of its heead, 'at +we could fessen a clooas line to, 'at it wod be varry useful, an' we'd +ommost as sooin have it as th' pump.'</p> + +<p>'That's a gooid idea,' sed Simeon, 'aw'll drive one in, for +ther's no +brains in it.'</p> + +<p>'Its soa mich moor like Kana,' sed Jonas, but nubdy tuk ony +noatice.</p> + +<p>They all kept waitin abaat after th' ceremony wor ovver, +expectin 'at +Kana wod ax 'em to have summat to sup at th' heead on it, but he didn't +seem to understand things, soa Simeon went up to him an' whispered.</p> + +<p>'Net another hawpney,' he sed, 'it's cost me enuff.'</p> + +<p>When they heeard this they all turned agean him at once. 'If +tha doesn't +stand treat,' sed Jacob, 'we'll rub thi name off an' put on somdy's +else +at will.'</p> + +<p>'Yo can put whose yo like on,' sed Kana.</p> + +<p>An' one o'th' wimmen coom wi' a dishclaat an' wiped it off, +for shoo sed +'it wor far to handsome a statty for sich a skinflint as him, as +flaysome as it wor.'</p> + +<p>Then Jacob gate on to th' tub agean an' ax'd who'd stand a +gallon to +have their name put on, but they all sed they wor hard up an' couldn't +affoord owt, soa thear it stands, an' th' first chap 'at'll pay for a +gallon o' ale con have his name put on whether he's a subscriber or net.</p> + +<p>Ther's a chonce for some o' yo 'at wants a statty.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Owd_Dawdles" id="Owd_Dawdles"></a>Owd +Dawdles.</h2> + +<p>Ther's a deeal o' tawkin abaat owd-fashioned kursmisses, an' +my belief +is 'at moor nor one hauf 'at tawk or write abaat 'em know nowt but what +they've heeard or read. Aw'm gien to understand 'at a owd-fashioned +kursmiss wor one whear iverything we admire an' think comfortable wor +despised, an' iverything we have a fear on wor sowt after. Awm net +sewer +whether ther wor ivver an owd-fashioned kursmiss withaat a snowstorm, +but aw should think net; but as aw have to tell yo what happened one +kursmiss when ther wor nawther frost nor snow, but when th' sun wor +shinin, an' th' fields wor lukkin as fresh an' green as if it wer May +asteead o' December, aw shall be foorced to call this a tale ov a +new-fashioned kursmiss. Kursmiss Day wor passed an' ommost forgotten, +but still th' fowk 'at live i' th' neighborhood o' Bingly or Keighly +nivver think it's ovver until th' new year's getten a start. Abaat a +duzzen sich like had been to Bradforth (as ther wives had been gien to +understand on business, but as yo'd ha fancied if yo'd seen 'em, on +pleasure), an' they'd set off to walk hooam, but they called so oft on +th' way, wol what wi' th' distance an' what wi' th' drink they wor rare +an' fain to rest thersens when they gate to th' Bingley Market Cross. +It +wor a grand neet, an' th' mooin wor shinin ommost as breet as if it wor +harvest time; an' as ther purses wor empty an' ther pipes full, they +argyfied it wor a deeal moor sensible to caar thear an' have a quiet +smook nor to waste ther time in a public haase. Th' warst on it is wi' +sich like, 'at they know soa mich abaat one another an' soa little +abaat +onybody else 'at it isn't oft 'at when they oppen ther maath owt new +falls aght, an' unless ther's a stranger i' th' company things are apt +to grow varry dull.</p> + +<p>Amang this lot 'at aw'm tellin abaat ther didn't happen to be +a +stranger, an' soa th' owd tales wor tell'd ovver agean, an' altho' some +on 'em wor ommost asleep, they allus laft at th' reight spot, for if +they didn't hear a word 'at wor sed, they knew th' time when it owt to +come in. In a bit one on 'em let his pipe tummel an' mashed it all i' +bits, an' as nubdy had one to lend him, an' he'd nowt else to do, he +sed: 'Did any on yo ivver hear tell abaat Owd Dawdles?'</p> + +<p>'Nay,' they sed, 'they didn't know 'at they had.'</p> + +<p>'Why, but he wor a queer owd chap, wor Owd Dawdles, an' they +didn't call +him Dawdles for nowt, soa aw'l tell yo summat abaat him wol yo finish +yor bacca. He wor a chap 'at thowt he wor full o' sense, an' th' way he +winked his left e'e after givin vent to one o' his cliver speeches, +showed plain enuff 'at whether it wor satisfactory to other fowk or +net, +it wor quite soa to him. But if he hadn't a varry heigh opinion o' th' +fowk he met, yet he worn't withaat pity for 'em, an' he generally ended +up wi' sayin 'at it wor hardly reight to blame 'em for bein short o' +wit +when they'd had no orderation on it. But tho' he wor varry liberal wi' +his advice, ther wor nubdy could charge him wi' bein too liberal wi' +his +brass, for he'd pairt wi' nowt if he could help it; yet he'd one +waikness in his disposition, an' that wor 'at he couldn't say 'Noa' if +onybody offered to treat him. Fowk wodn't ha thowt mich abaat that if +it +hadn't been for him allus draggin in his friend Michael for a share, +an' +it wor weel known 'at Michael had nivver existed except in his own +imagination. If ivver he gate ax'd to a supper or a bit ova feed o' ony +sooart, he used to stuff hissen wol he wor foorced to lawse his +wayscoit, an' then if ther wor owt left, he'd say: 'If yo'll excuse me, +ther's a bit thear 'at aw should like to tak for Michael,' an' he used +to fill his pockets wi' th' best o' th' stuff, an' mony a rare blow +aght +he gate aght o' what wor supposed to be Michael's share. He used to goa +to Bradforth market two or three times in a wick, an' he allus kept his +een skinned to luk aght for a bargain; an' he didn't care what it wor, +owt throo a cabbage to a cartwheel, if he could turn a penny into +three-awpence. But he didn't allus mak a gooid spec, for strange to say +ther wor other fowk 'at wor quite as wise an' even sharper nor hissen. +One day he bowt a white bull cauf, an' he wor sewer he'd getten it as +cheap as muck, an' happen he had, but haivver cheap yo buy sich a +thing, +it's varry likely to cause yo some bother unless yo've somewhear to put +it. It wor a varry weet day, an' throo Bradford to Keighley is a long +walk, but ther wor nowt else for it unless he tuk it with him on th' +train, an' that ud be extra expense, soa he teed a rooap raand its neck +an' they started off. It's an' owd sayin' 'at youth will have its +fling,' an' this cauf wor detarmined to goa in for its share. Th' +rooads +worn't i' th' best order, yet they mud ha' managed to wade throo but +for +th' cauf seemin' to have a strong desire to find aght if Owd Dawdles +could swim, an' whenivver it coom to a pond or a puddle it gave him a +chonce to try, but like all young caufs it hadn't mich patience, an' +th' +way it jurk'd him in an' aght worn't varry pleasant for one on 'em. +When +they'd gooan a mile or two Dawdles wor inclined to think it would ha +been cheaper to ha taen it bi rail, to say nowt abaat th' extra +comfort. +At ony rate it gave him noa troble to drive it, for it seemed to know +ivvery step o' th' rooad, an' it seem'd a deeal moor like th' cauf +takkin Dawdles nor him takkin th' cauf. He couldn't help but think 'at +it had a deeal moor strength nor sense; but altho' he tried to pity it +'coss it hadn't had th' orderation ov it's own heead, he couldn't help +blamin it for bein soa detarmined to have th' orderation o' th' way +they'd to goa. When they'd getten to th' Bull's Heead he wor ommost +finished, an' he thowt as he'd getten soa weet aghtside he'd better get +a drop in, an' as he made towards th' door th' cauf went an' backed +into +th' passage, an' wodn't let him enter a yard. He tried his best to get +it to stir, but all to noa use. Wol he wor tewin with it th' landlord +wor scalin th' foir i' th' kitchen, an' he thowt he heard sumdy makkin +a +noise, an' he went to see; an' when he saw Dawdles tryin to pool th' +cauf aght o' th' passage he thowt he'd help him, soa he gave it a prod +behind wi' th' foir point, an' it flew aght o' th' door as if it had +been shot aght ov a cannon, an' its heead happenin to leet i' th' +middle +o' Dawdles' wayscoit, he tummeld a backard summerset, an' ligged him +daan i' th' middle o' th' rooad, an' th' cauf laup'd ovver th' wall o' +t'other side an' gallop'd away, whiskin its tail abaat as if it wanted +to cast it. Th' landlord went to see Dawdles. 'What's ta dooin thear?' +he sed. 'Aw'm waitin' wol sumdy comes to help me up,' he sed. Soa th' +landlord helpt him up, an' then sed: 'Come inside an' sit thi daan a +bit.' 'Nay, lad, aw've been i' th' Bull's Heead monny a time, but tha's +ommust sent th' bull's heead into me to-day. Ther's lots o' young caufs +come to yor haase beside yond o' mine, an' yo've a deeal o' bother wi' +'em sometimes aw know, but if yo'll just tickle up wi' th' red wut foir +point aw'll bet yo'll get shut on 'em in as little time as yo did that +o' mine. All aw wish is 'at tha wor th' cauf an' me th' landlord for +five minutes.'</p> + +<p>'Well, tha has dropt in for it pretty rough, an' aw think +tha's getten +aboon thi share, tha mun see if tha cannot give a trifle to Michael.'</p> + +<p>Dawdles wodn't answer him, but set off to catch his white bull +cauf, an' +after chasin it raand for a whole clock haar he gate hold o' th' rooap +another time, an' they made another start for hooam. It went varry +quietly on nah, an' th' owd chap thowt it ud be a gooid idea, as he wor +soa tired, an' as ther wor nobody abaat, to get astride on it an' have +a +ride. Th' thowt had hardly entered his heead befoor it wor put into +practice, but if you could ha seen that cauf yo'd ha been fit to split. +It stood stock still for abaat a minit, an' then it started off, gently +at furst, but it kept gettin faster an' faster, wol at last it gate +into +a two up an' two daan gallop, an' Dawdles began to find aght 'at altho' +veal wor a nice tender soft sooart o' mait when it wor deead, it grew +on +varry hard booans when it wor wick, an' he wor twice as anxious to get +off an' walk as he had been to get up to ride. He managed to twist th' +rooap raand its heead an' he pooled for his life, but it didn't mak a +bit o' difference. 'Wo up! connot ta?' he sed, 'tha'rt as heeadstrong +as +tha'rt strong i'th' heead. If ivver aw have th' orderation o' thee +agean +aw'll bet aw tak some o' that nowtiness aght on thee.' He'd hardly +getten th' words aght ov his maath when, as they wor passin some +pighoils 'at stood o' th' roadside, th' cauf made a dash at th' door o' +one 'at wor nobbut just heigh enuff for it get in at, brast it oppen, +gooin in an' strippin off Dawdles, left him sittin i' th' middle o' th' +rooad, wonderin who'd hit him wi a looad o' bricks. Trubbles nivver +come +singly, an' to mak matters war aght rushed a lot o' pigs 'at rolled him +ovver an' ovver wol he couldn't tell when he put up his hand whether it +wor on his heead or his hat. Th' furst thing 'at browt him to his +senses +wor sumdy shakkin him an' shaatin aght, 'What business has ta to let +out +my pigs? Aw'll ha thi lock'd up!' 'Maister! maister! do let me spaik! +Aw've had nowt to do wi' th' orderation o' this mullock, an' if ther's +owt lost aw'll pay for it. Hah mony wor ther? Ther's my bull cauf i' +th' +pighoil an' if yo'll tak care on it for a bit aw'll goa an' see if aw +can find th' pigs.'</p> + +<p>Th' chap, thowt that wor fair enuff, soa he let him goa, +tellin him ther +wor six on 'em, an' he must find' em all. Owd Dawdles had nivver had +sich a job in his life, it tuk him aboon an haar, an' when he coom back +it wor droppin dark.</p> + +<p>'Well, has ta fun 'em?'</p> + +<p>'Eea, they're all here.'</p> + +<p>'Why, whear did ta find 'em?'</p> + +<p>'Aw fan one together, an' two bi thersen, an' three amang one +o' +Amos's.'</p> + +<p>'Well, that's all reight, tak thi cauf an' be off hooam. It +luks a varry +nice en; it's just such a one as aw wor intendin to buy.'</p> + +<p>'Yo can have this at yor own price, or aw'll trade wi' yo.'</p> + +<p>'Nay, it luks too quiet for my brass, aw'd rayther ha one +'at's a' bit +life in it.'</p> + +<p>'Well, then, to be honest, aw dooan't think this will suit yo, +for aw'm +blessed if aw think ther can be much life left i' this considerin what +it's let aght sin aw bowt it. Gooid neet.'</p> + +<p>'Gooid neet, owd chap. Cannot ta walk i' th' front an' let it +suck thi +fingers? It ud be sewer to follow.'</p> + +<p>'Happen it wod; but th' chap aw bowt it on suckt me quite +enuff withaat +lettin th' cauf suck me.'</p> + +<p>After that he managed to get hooam wi' it withaat ony moor +mishaps. It +wor varry lat, an' all th' family wor i' bed, but he detarmined he +wodn't goa huntin up an' daan for a stable at that time o' neet, soa he +unlocked th' door an' tuk it into th' haase an' teed it fast to th' +wringin machine i' th' back kitchen, an' then he went upstairs to bed.</p> + +<p>'Tha'rt varry lat, Dawdles,' sed his wife, 'has ta ridden or +walked?'</p> + +<p>'Aw walked pairt o' th' way.'</p> + +<p>'Has ta browt owt wi' thee?'</p> + +<p>'Eea, aw browt a bit o' mait an' aw've left it daan stairs.'</p> + +<p>He crept into bed as well as he could, an' in a minit he wor +asleep. As +th' cauf had had nowt to ait nor drink all th' day it did not feel +varry +oomfortable, an' in a bit it went 'B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h!'</p> + +<p>'Dawdles! Dawdles!' shoo screamed, an' gave him a dig i' th' +ribs 'at +made him jump agean.</p> + +<p>'What's th' matter wi' thee?' he sed.</p> + +<p>'Matter enuff! Didn't ta hear yond din? Ther's summat flaysome +getten +into th' haase.'</p> + +<p>'Aw heeard noa din; it's thee 'at's been dreeamin.'</p> + +<p>'Dreeamin! Aw've nooan been dreeamin! Ger up an' see what ther +is to do! +Thear's a boggard i' th' haase as sewer as aw'm here!'</p> + +<p>'Ne'er heed it! goa to sleep an' it'll nooan mell on thee.'</p> + +<p>'Sleep! Awst sleep nooan! Awst lig wakken o' purpose to +listen. A'a! men +havn't a spark o' feelin! Thear, he's snoarin agean.'</p> + +<p>'B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h! B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h!'</p> + +<p>'Dawdles! Dawdles! wakken, lad; do wakken! It's th' dule +hissen an' +nubdy else. A'a! whativver mun we do, an' ther hasn't one o' th' +childer +been to th' Sunday schooil for a fortnit! Do get up lad, do!'</p> + +<p>'Aw tell thee aw shalln't get up as what it is; but aw hooap +if he's +comed for onybody 'at he'll tak thee furst, an' then aw can get a bit +o' +sleep.'</p> + +<p>'Tha'rt a brute! an' mi mother allus sed aw should find it +aght! But +aw'm baan to have yond childer aght o' bed.'</p> + +<p>Up shoo jumpt an' went to wakken 'em, an' he wor soa worn aght +'at he +dropt off to sleep agean. Sich a hullaballoo as ther wor i' that shop +when all th' eight childer wor up, yo nivver heeard, for th' cauf kept +at it, an' ther worn't one i' th' lot dar goa to see what it wor. At +last they threw up th' chamer winder and skriked wi' all ther might. +Th' +neighbours wor up in a crack, an' th' poleese coom runnin to see what +ther wor to do.</p> + +<p>'Ther's a boggard i' th' haase!' they cried aght. 'Do see what +it is, +poleeseman, if yo pleeas.'</p> + +<p>But as th' door wor lockt, an' nooan on 'em dar goa daan +stairs to oppen +it, ther wor noa way to do but to braik a winder pane, soa th' poleese +smashed one ank stuck his heead an' his lantern in an' lewkt all raand, +but ov coorse he could see nowt. But just as he wor baan to back aght +th' cauf gave another 'B-o-o-h!' Daan dropt his lantern inside, an' +away +flew his heead aghtside, an' all th' fowk cluthered raand him an' ax'd +him what he'd seen.</p> + +<p>'Aw've seen nowt,' he sed, 'but aw've heeard summat.'</p> + +<p>One o' th' childer upstairs shaats aght, 'Aw believe it's +i'th' back +kitchen.' An' away they all ran raand to see if they could see it +thear. +Another poleese had come up, soa he gate his lantern an' held it cloise +to th' winder, an' ther wor sich a skrike an' a skutter as yo nivver +heeard nor saw. Ther wor noa mistak abaat it nah, for they'd all seen +it; them 'at hadn't seen th' een had seen th' horns, an' ther wor one +or +two 'at declared they'd seen a tail. Then they held a long confab as to +what they'd better do, an' th' wimmen sed they thowt it wor th' duty o' +th' poleese to goa in an' tak him up whativver he wor; but th' poleese +didn't see it, for, sed one on 'em, 'If he's th' chap aw think he is he +might tak us daan wol we wor tryin to tak him up.' At last a chap says, +'Aw've a gun, let's shooit him.' They all agreed wi' that, an' he went +an' fotched his gun. Ther wor a gooid deeal o' squarin abaat when he +coom back, befoor he could get fair aim; but at last th' poleese gate +his bull's eye on th' bull's eyes. Bang! it went, an' th' boggard +disappeared. Owd Dawdles wor varry saand asleep, but when th' gun went +off he wakkened, an' wonderin what could be to do, he pooled on his +britches an' ran daan stairs an' oppened th' door just as all th' fowk +wor comin raand to try an' get in, for they hadn't a back door.</p> + +<p>'We've peppered him his nut whoivver he is,' sed th' poleese.</p> + +<p>'Peppered whose nut? What docs ta mean?' sed Owd Dawdles.</p> + +<p>'We've shot th' boggard i'th' back kitchen.'</p> + +<p>'Boggard be hang'd! Ther's noa boggard i'th' kitchen. It's +nowt, nobbut +a white bull cauf! Hev yo all lost yor wit?'</p> + +<p>Dawdles went to see what wor th' matter an' t'others followed +him; but +when they saw what a mistak they'd made, the mooast on 'em slink'd off +for fear they wud hev to pay for some o'th' damage. Dawdles wor ommost +ranty abaat it when he saw it ligged deead, but he said as little as he +could, for his furst thowt wor hah mich brass he could mak on it as it +war. 'Well,' he sed, 'it's deead enuff, soa ther's nowt for it but to +send for a butcher an' hey it killed, for aw knaw it'll be a bit ov as +nice mait as ivver wor etten.' Soa he fotched a butcher an' had it +skinned an' dressed, an' as he lukt at it he thowt it happen wodn't +turn +aght so varry bad after all, an' as th' poleese paid for th' winder, +an' +th' wife an' th' childer fettled up withaat sayin' a word, he decided +to +be as quiet as he could an' mak th' best of his bargain, Th' fact is he +thowt it had nobbut sarved it reight, considerin' what a life it had +led +him th' day befoor. After a bit o' braikfast he set off to see if he +could find a customer for it, but th' tale had flown all ovver th' +district, an' whearivver he went he gate soa chaffed abaat it wol he +wor +fain to go back hooam.</p> + +<p>'Nah, lass,' he sed to his wife, 'aw've tried all ovver, an' +aw cannot +sell a pund o' that cauf, so ther's nowt for it but to set to an ait +it, +for aw'm detarmined it shalln't be wasted.'</p> + +<p>'Why, Dawdles, tha knows we can nivver ait it wol it's sweet.'</p> + +<p>'Aw dooan't care whether it's sweet or saar, it'll have to be +etten, soa +tha'd better set to an' salt it, for ther isn't another aance o' mait +comes into this haase till that's etten.'</p> + +<p>Shoo did as shoo wor tell'd, an' shoo stew'd th' heead an' +made some +cauf-heead broth, an' rare an' nice it wor. Next day they had a rooast, +an' th' childer sed they wished ther fayther'd buy another cauf when +that wor done. It went on varry weel for th' furst wick, but towards +th' +end o'th' second they'd rayther ha' seen a boggard walk into th' haase +nor another piece o' that cauf walk on to th' table. But Dawdles wor as +gooid as his word, an' long befoor it wor done he declared it wor th' +cheapest mait he ivver bowt. But aitin soa mich o' one sooart o' stuff +seemed to have a strange-effect o'th' childer, for they fair seem'd to +grow gaumless an' th' hair o' ther heead stood up like a caah toppin, +an' Dawdles hissen wor terrified if one on 'em complained ov a pain i' +ther heead, for fear th' horns should be buddin'.</p> + +<p>'Nah, then, hah long are ta baan to praich,' sed one o'th' +chaps 'at had +been lissenin' to this tale, 'does ta know 'at it's ommost twelve +o'clock?'</p> + +<p>'Why, nivver heed! It's th' last day i'th' year, an' we'st all +have +halliday to-morn. Aw havn't tell'd yo hauf o'th' queer tricks he's +noated for yet. Did yo ivver hear tell abaat that umbrella o' his 'at +he +lost at Bradforth market?'</p> + +<p>'Noa an' we dooan't want to hear ony moor to neet,' they sed, +as they +gate up an' knockt th' ash aght o' ther pipes, 'tha's tell'd us quite +enough for a Kursmiss stoary, an' tha mun save th' rest for th' New +Year.'</p> + +<p>Soa they all trudged off to ther hooams to get a warm supper +an' let +ther wives sympathise wi' 'em, for havin' to tramp an' tew wol past +twelve o'clock at neet to mak a bit ov a livin' for them 'at wor caar'd +warm an' comfortable at hooam.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Property_Huntin" id="Property_Huntin"></a>Property +Huntin'.</h2> + +<p>Ther's soa monny different sooarts o' fooils 'at it's hard to +tell which +is th' warst, an' th' best on us do fooilish things at times. It's +varry +fooilish for a young chap at's a paand a wick to live at th' rate o' +twenty-five shillin', for hahivver clivver he may be at figures he'll +be +sure to find hissen in a hobble befoor long. Aw once knew a chap they +called "Gentleman Dick:" he wor nobbut a warp dresser, but to see him +ov +a neet, when he wor donned up an' walking throo th' streets twirlin' +his +cane, yo'd ha' taen him to be a gentleman's son at th' varry leeast. +Fowk 'at knew him sed he had to live o' mail porrige all th' wick, an' +a +red yearin for a treeat on a Sunday, to enable him to get new clooas, +an', as it wor, he owed soa monny tailors' bills 'at when he heeard a +knock at th' door he allus had to luk aght o'th' chamer winder to see +who it wor befoor he dar oppen it. But whativver he had to put up wi he +nivver grummeld, an' Setterdy neet an Sundy wor th' time 'at he enjoyed +hissen to his heart's content. One day when he wor aght dooin the +grand, +he met wi a young woman i'th' train gooin to Briggus, an' he showed her +soa mich attention wol shoo tuk quite a fancy to him, an' when he ax'd +her if he might see her hooam, shoo blushed an' sed shoo didn't mind if +he did. Shoo wor a varry nice lass an' dressed as grand as yo'd wish to +see an' Dick sed such nice things to her, an' shoo smiled an' luk'd soa +delighted wi him wol he hardly knew what ailed him. When they coom to +some gates leeadin to a varry big hall shoo held aght her hand to bid +him gooid-bye, for shoo sed, 'I'm at home now.' Dick begged hard on her +to promise to meet him agean, an' at last it wor arranged shoo'd see +him +next Sundy neet on th' canal bank at Brookfooit. All th' next wick +Dick's mates couldn't tell what to mak on him; he gave ovver singin' +'Slap Bang' an' 'Champagne Charlie,' an' tuk to practisin' 'Gooid-bye, +Sweetheart' an' 'Bonny Jean,' an' whenivver he'd a minit or two to +spare +he wor scrapin' his finger nails or twistin' th' two or three hairs 'at +he wor tryin to coax into a mustash. Sundy coom at last, an' what wi +curlin' his hair, an' practisin' all sooarts o' nods an' bows i'th' +front o'th' lukkin'-glass it filled up th' furst pairt o'th' day. He +started off i' gooid time an' wor at th' meetin' place to a minit, an' +shoo worn't long after him.</p> + +<p>It's a gooid job at happiness is short-lived, for if his had +lasted long +he'd ha gooan cleean off th' side. Ivvery Sundy neet he tuk her for a +walk, an' what delighted him moor nor all wor to find 'at shoo worn't a +bit stuck up—real ladies nivver are. He gate to know 'at her +name wor +Matilda, an' 'at shoo wor nobbut twenty-five year old, an' had two nice +little properties ov her own, an' he tell'd her 'at he had a share in a +big consarn, an' after they'd met an' walked an' tawk'd a few times he +began ta be varry anxious for her to name th' happy day. Shoo made a +lot +o' excuses an' sed shoo didn't know what her father 'd say, but Dick +sooin showed her 'at it wor a varry easy thing ta manage it withaht +lettin' him know, an' he begged soa hard wol, after a deeal o' sobbin' +an' gettin' him to sware 'at he'd allus love her as weel as he did just +then, an' 'at come what wod he'd nivver forsake her, shoo gave her +consent.</p> + +<p>When Dick bid her gooid neet an' had watched her in at th' +gate, he +couldn't help turnin' raand an' smilin' at th' idea 'at in a few days +he'd be son-in-law to a gentleman 'at lived i' sich a style as that. +Ther wor nowt for it but to be wed bi licence, an' hah to get th' brass +Dick couldn't tell, but at last he detarmined to tell one ov his +shopmates all abaht it, an' ax him to advance him twenty paand, to be +paid back as sooin as he gate th' properties. Th' chap agreed to let +him +have it if he'd give him five paand for interest, an' th' bargain wor +sooin struck. Dick lost noa time i' gettin' th' licence, an' they met +one mornin' an' went to th' church, an' wor teed as fast as th' law +o'th' land could do it. He didn't know what shoo'd say when he tuk her +to his hooam, for it wor nobbut a haase an' chamer an' varry little +furnitur, tho' he'd fettled it up an' made it lewk as smart as he +could. +They went to a public-haase to ther dinner, an' then they tuk a long +raand abaat way hooam, an' as they kept callin' for a refresher it wor +neet when they landed.</p> + +<p>As sooin as ivver they entered th' door he began to mak all +sooarts o' +excuses abaat it bein' humble, but shoo stopt him in a minit, for shoo +sed 'shoo didn't care hah little it wor soa long as shoo wor th' +mistress, for shoo'd getten reight daan stall'd o' sarvice.' 'Why,' he +sed, 'tha knaws nowt abaat sarvice Matilda, dear?' 'Aw should think aw +owt to do,' shoo sed, 'for aw've been i' place ivver sin aw could walk +ommost.' Dick stared like a throttled cat for a minit, for he couldn't +believe his awn ears. 'Aren't ta thi father's dowter?' he sed. 'Why aw +should think soa—whose dowter does ta think aw am?' 'But +isn't that thi +father 'at lives i' yond big haase?' 'What are ta tawkin abaat?' shoo +sed, 'why th' chap 'at lives i' that haase is one o'th' richest chaps +i' +Briggus—aw wor nobbut th' haasemaid thear—my father +lives at +Salterhebble, an' hawks watter cress.' 'Why then, whear did ta get thi +two properties 'at tha tell'd me tha had?' Matilda sat daan in a cheer, +an' covered her face wi her handkertchy, an' began cryin' as if her +heart wor braikin.</p> + +<p>This touched Dick, for he wor ov a tender sooart, an' he did +like her +after all, soa he drew his cheer to her side, an' put his arm raand her +waist an' tawk'd pratly to her an' tell'd her shoo shouldn't ha sed +shoo +had 'em if shoo hadn't. 'But it's true eniff,' shoo sed; 'aw wish it +worn't, for that's what causes me to have sich an uneasy mind.' 'Why +what's th' reason on it? Is ther some daat as to who's th' reight +owner? +Or is ther a morgage on 'em? Give ower freeatin', an if it's a fine day +to-morn we'll goa an' luk at 'em.' 'Ther's noa daat who belangs to 'em; +a woman has 'em aght at nurse at Sowerby Brig.' 'At nurse? At nurse? +What does ta mean? An' is that what tha ment bi thi two properties? +Tha'rt a deceitful gooid-for-nowt! To think 'at aw should wed a woman +wi +two childer!' 'Why, tha didn't expect aw should have two elephans, did +ta? But tha needn't let it bother thee mich, for one 'em's a varry +little en.' 'Awst nivver be able to put mi heead aght o'th' door ageean +as long as aw live.' 'Nivver heed, lad, awl stop at hooam an' keep thee +cumpny.' 'Well, but awl tell thee, tha'll be suckt, for aw hevn't a +penny i'th' world, an' awm nowt but a warp dresser, an' cannot addle +aboon two-an'-twenty shillin' a wick, an' awm ovver heead an' heels i' +debt, soa tha'll be capt abaat that!' 'Nay awm nooan capt, coss aw knew +it all monny a wick sin, for aw made it i' mi way to mak a few +enquiries, an' if tha'rt satisfied aw am, an' ther's nubdy else owt to +do wi it.' 'Aw've getten quite enuff to satisfy me, but tha can bet thi +booits if it's ivver my luck to goa coortin ageean, awl mak it i' my +way +to mak a few enquiries.' 'Well, it's allus safer but aw dooant think +tha'll ivver have th' chonce for nooan o' awr family dee young, but +here's a two-a-three paand aw've managed to save, an' it'll happen help +to pay some o' thi debts. What time is it? aw feel sleepy.' 'Aw think +it's time to lock up.' Two days after, Dick sell'd up an' they went to +America; he's been thear monny a year nah, an' th' last time aw heeard +on him he'd getten some moor properties.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="Abrahams_Sparrib" id="Abrahams_Sparrib"></a>Abraham's +Sparrib.</h2> + +<p>Old Abraham wor a jolly sooart ov a chap, an' he luk'd like +it, for he'd +a face ommost as big as a warmin pan, and it tuk ommost as mich stuff +to +mak him a waistcoit as wod mak some chaps a suit o' clooas, an' fowk +'at +knew him varry weel sed he wor as fond ov his guts as he wor praad on +'em. Be that as it may, ther wor seldom a feed onywhear for two or +three +miles raand but what Abe wor sure to be thear, an' ther wornt a place +within a day's march, whear they made a gooid meal for little brass, +but +what he knew it. When he wor young he wor put 'prentice to a cook-shop, +but befoor he'd been a year th' chap failed, an' when th' bums had +fetched aat all th' bits o' furniture, the maister stood opposite young +Abe, wi tears in his een, an' he sed, 'Abraham, if tha'd been livin +when +thi name-sake wor, it wod ha been a bad job for th' Israelities. Awve +tewd hard for monny a year, an' after all, awve nowt to see for it but +thee.' 'Well,' sed Abe, 'its a bitter pill, noa daat, but yo mun +swallow +it as weel as yo can.' 'Swallow it! if it wor thee tha mud swallow it, +for tha's swallowed all ther wor, an thart all ther is left for mi +pains.'</p> + +<p>'Well, maister, yo cannot charge me wi ingratitude for awve +stuck to yo +to th' last, an if yo like to start another shop, yo'll find me to +depend on.' 'Aw dooant daat thi for a minnit, lad, but to be plain wi' +thi, it'll be noa use me oppenin another shop unless tha shuts thine +up.' Soa they parted, an Abe grew into a man, an wheariver he wor fed +he +didn't disgrace his pastur. At th' time awm tellin abaat he worked in a +warehaase wi two or three moor, an' one mornin when th' waggon coom +ther +wor a big parcel for Abe, an' one o' thease chaps couldn't do but luk +what wor in it, an' yo may fancy ha suited they wor when they saw a +side +o' sparrib. It wor sooin decided to have a lark, an' one o'th' chaps +propooased to send it to th' 'Three Doves,' wi orders to cook it for +th' +supper, and to provide puttates &c. for a duzzen. Abe wornt +long befoor +he coom, soa one on 'em tell'd him 'at they'd been tawkin abaat having +a +bit ov a doo, an' they should be varry glad if he'd join 'em. Abe sed +he +had an engagement, but he'd put it off, an' they mud expect him.</p> + +<p>They knew a few chums 'at could enjoy a spree an' soa they +invited 'em +to mak up th' number, an' let' em into th' secret. At eight o' clock +they wor all i' ther places, an' in coom a big dish wi' this sparrib +nicely rooasted. Abe wor vooated into th' cheer to cut it up an' deeal +it aat, an' he did it wi' a willin hand. After sarvin 'em all he helped +hissen, an' it began to disappear like magic. Abe thowt he'd niver been +at sich a jolly do in his life, ivery body seemed i' sich gooid +spirits, +an' they laft wol he feeared they'd chooak. He wor as jolly as ony on +'em, but he didn't let it interfere wi' his business. Come lads,' he +sed, 'pass up yor plates! let's see if we connot finish it, for awm +sure +its grand.' They wornt at all backward at bein helpt a second time, and +rare gooid suppers they made. When th' aitin stuff wor sided, glasses +o' +hot punch coom in, for which ivery body paid a share, an' then one +o'th' +chaps propooased th' health o'th' gentleman 'at had given em' sich a +treat. Another seconded it an' it wor carried. Abraham called for th' +name, but they sed that wor a secret, but as he didn't get up to +respond, they'd be mich obliged if Abe wod do so for him. Abe wor allus +fond o' makkin a speech, soa he wor up in a minit. 'Gentlemen,' he sed, +'awm glad to see yo,—yo've done justice to what's been +provided, an' +awm sure yo're varry welcome.' When he sed this ther wor sich clappin +an' stampin wol he wor foorced to drop it an' sit daan, an' he couldn't +help thinkin 'at noa speech o' his had made sich an impression befoor.</p> + +<p>After gettin warmed up wi punch, he tell'd 'em 'at he expected +some +sparrib comin th' next day, an' it had been his intention to mak a bit +ov a doo an' invite 'em all, but as they'd had sich a supper that neet, +he knew they wodn't enjoy another off th' same sooart o' mait, soa he +shouldn't ax 'em. They all sed they'd had enuff for a week, but they +thanked him all th' same, an' after singing 'For he's a jolly gooid +fellow,' they went hooam.—Next day Abraham wor lukkin aght +for his +sparrib, but it didn't come, an' day after day he wor disappointed, an +as th' chaps laft ivery time he mentioned it, a thowt began to creep +into his noddle, 'at he'd been done.—He niver grumbled, but +he's takken +care to have his parcels 'livered at hooam sin then.</p> + +<hr style="width: 65%;"> +<h2><a name="A_Run_ovver_th_Year" id="A_Run_ovver_th_Year"></a>A Run ovver th' Year.</h2> + +<p>"A gooid beginin maks a gooid endin," fowk say, soa let's mak +a gooid +beginnin o'th year. But aw dooant altogether agree wi' thease old +sayins, for aw've known monny a gooid beginnin 'at's come to a fearful +bad endin, an' my advice to ony body 'at's startin owt is, niver crow +till th' finish. Aw once heeard tell ov a young woman at wor a reglar +glaid; one o' them sooart 'at nubdy could do owt wi'; tawk abaat taming +a shrew! why, net all th' shrews in Shrewsbury wor a match for her. But +a chap 'at lived net far off, thowt shoo wor a varry bonny lass, an' he +felt sure he could manage her, soa he went an' made love in his best +fashion, an' ivery time shoo call'd him a nasty offald scamp, he sed he +lov'd hur moor an' moor; soa at last shoo cooil'd daan, an' all things +were made sweet, an' befoor long they gate wed. Ov coorse they'd a few +friends to ther drinkin, an' a bit ov a donce at after, an' then a drop +o' whisky an' hot water, an' when th' husband had getten a glass or two +into him, he began to tell th' cumpany ha he'd tamed hur. 'Why,' he +sed, +'aw can do owt aw like wi' her nah, shoo's as gentle as a lamb.' 'If +that's thy noation,' shoo says, 'th' sooiner tha gets shut on it an' +th' +better!' Soa shoo made noa moor to do, but gave him a crack ovver th' +nooas wi' her naive, an' in abaat a minit it wor swell'd as big as a +cauf blether. He made a gurt din an' quavered abaat a bit, but it wor +noa use for shoo wor th' maister on him, an' ivver after that he let +her +do as shoo liked, for he sed 'nowt suited him as mich as to see her +suit +hersen.' But ther wor fowk 'at used to wink an say, 'poor beggar!'</p> + +<p>Th' next comes Valentine's day, an' 'On Valentine's day will a +gooid +gooise lay,' is a varry old sayin, an' aw dar say a varry gooid en; an' +if all th' geese wod nobbut lay o' that day ther'd be moor chonce o' +eggs bein cheap. But it isn't th' geese we think on at th' fourteenth +o' +this month, it's th' little ducks, an' th' billy dux. A'a aw wish aw'd +all th' brass 'at's spent o' valentines for one year; aw wodn't thank +th' Queen to be mi aunt. Ther's nubdy sends me valentines nah. Aw've +known th' time when they did, but aw'm like a old stage cooach, aw'm +aght o' date. Aw'st niver forget th' furst valentine aw had sent; th +pooastman browt it afoor aw'd getten aght o' bed, an' it happen'd to be +Sunday mornin. Aw read it ovver and ovver agean, an' aw luk'd at th' +directions an' th' pooast mark, but aw cudn't mak aght for mi life +who'd +sent it; but whoiver it wor aw wor detarmined to fall i' love wi her as +sooin as aw gate to know. Then aw shov'd it under th' piller an' shut +mi +een an' tried to fancy what sooart ov a lass shoo must be, an' someha +aw +fell asleep, an' aw dremt,—but aw will'nt tell yo what aw +dremt for +fear yo laaf. But when aw wakken'd aw sowt up an' daan, but nowhear +could aw find th' valentine. Aw wor ommost heart-broken, an' aw pool'd +all th' cloas off th' bed an' aw luk'd under it, an' ovver it, but net +a +bit on it could aw see, an at last aw began to fancy 'at aw must ha +dremt all th' lot, an' 'at aw'd niver had one sent at all; but when aw +wor gettin' mi breeches on, blow me! if it worn't stuck fast wi a wafer +to mi shirt lap. What her 'at sent it ud a sed if shoo'd seen it, aw +can't tell, an' aw wodn't if aw could; but aw know one thing, aw wor +niver i' sich a muck sweat afoor sin aw wor born, an when aw went to mi +breakfast aw wor soa maddled wol aw couldn't tell which wor th' reight +end o'th' porridge spooin, but aw comforted misen at last wi' thinking +at aw worn't th' furst at had turned ther back ov a valentine.</p> + +<p>Nah, th' vally ov a thing depends oft o'th' use ov a thing; +her's an old +sayin 'A peck o' March dust is worth a king's ransom,' but aw should +think 'at th' vally o'th' ransom owt to depend o'th' vally o'th' king. +It's oft capt me ha it is 'at becos one chap is son ov a king, an' +another is son ov a cart-driver, 'at one should be soa mich moor thowt +on nor tother. Noa daat we should all be sons an' dowters o' kings an' +queens if we could, but then ther'd have to be a deal moor kings an' +queens, or else they'd niver be able to keep th' stock up. Net 'at awm +findin fault wi' awr Queen, net aw marry! shoo's done her best noa +daat, +an' her childer seem tryin to follow her example. But then, when +princes +an' princesses get moor plentyful they'll be less thowt on; it'll be +th' +same wi' them as it wor wi' th' umbrellas at one time, for th' chap 'at +had th' furst wor run after wi' ivery body, an' when ther were nobbut +two or three, fowk allus ran to th' winder to have a luk at 'em; but +whoiver runs to luk at umbrellas nah? It wor th' same wi' steam +engines, +it's getten th' same wi' velosipeeds, an it'll be th' same wi' princes, +princesses, or owt else, as sooin as they get common, unless they've +summat moor to depend on nor a grand title, fowk ull tak but little +noatice. We cannot all be fine fowk, but we may all be gooid fowk, if +we +try, an' a gooid cart-driver ull be better nor a bad king at th' +finish. +Rich fowk ha troubles as weel as poor, but ther's noa need for onybody +to be troubled long; for if its summat they can't help its fooilish to +freeat, an' if its summat they can help, why the deuce don't they?</p> + +<p>Its fooilish to freeat, but fowk will freeat sometimes. Well, +nivver +heed! 'April shaars bring May flowers,' soa we willn't grumel if we get +catched i' one nah an' then an' get a gooid sooaking, for ther's nowt +i'th' world bonnier nor flaars, even cauliflaars. Ther's lots o' bonny +things i'th' world besides flaars; ther's bonny words, an' if fowk wod +nobbut use 'em we should all get on a deeal better. Aw remember once +bein in a public haase, an' ther wor two chaps sat quietly suppin ther +pints o' fourpenny, when all at once one o' ther wives coom in, an her +een fair blazed when shoo saw him. 'O, soa tha'rt here are ta?' shoo +began, 'soa this is th' way th' brass gooas is it! tha nasty +gooid-for-nowt! Aw could like to smash thi face! sittin thear throo +morn +to neet sossin like a pig, an' leavin me an' th' childer to do as we +con! Ha con ta fashion? Tha desarves teein to a cart tail an' hidin' +throo th' streets, tha low-lived villain! All th' time shoo wor talkin +shoo wor shakin her neive in his face, an' when he could edge in a word +he sed. 'Aw'l tell thee what it is, this is nobbut mi third pint +to-day, +an' aw wor just commin hooam, but tha can hook it, for aw shall come +when aw'm ready, an net before, an' that will'nt be yet a bit.' Just +wol +they wor fratchin tother chap's wife coom seekin him, an' as sooin as +shoo saw him shoo smiled an' sed, 'O, aw've fun thi, come lad, aw want +thee at hooam, awr little Jack has getten his new clogs on an' he +will'nt let me put him to bed till tha's seen 'em, tha'll be like to +come.' 'Howd a minit,' he sed, as he emptied his pint, then he went +away +wi' her. Tother stopt. Soa mich for kindness.</p> + +<p>An' ther's moor ways nor one o' bein kind. Nah, yo've oft +heeard fowk +say, 'Niver cast a claot till May goas aght.' That's all varry gooid as +far as regards top coits an' flannel shirts an sich like. But ther's +another thing, its just abaat th' time for fowk to get new clooas an' +throw off th' old ens; an' aw've a word or two to say abaat that, for +ther's some poor fowk aw see sometimes 'at cannot cast a claot; th' +fact +is, they've nowt else to put on. Ha monny scoor fowk do we meet as we +walk abaat, 'ats hardly a rag to ther back, or aw should say they've +nowt but rags, an' that's what prevents 'em havin a chonce to addle +brass to buy ony fresh ens. Ha monny have to creep aght o'th' seet, +into +ony sooart ov a low hoil, mix up wi bad compny,—first pine, +then beg, +then stail—an' all this becoss they've had th' misfortun to +be ragged. +If ther's one thing moor nor another 'at fowk mak a mistak in, it's +<i>sellin</i> ther old clooas. Some may say they can't +affoord to give 'em: +Then aw say, wear 'em a bit longer till yo can; ther'll somdy be +thankful for 'em after then. Ivery body can affoord to be charitable to +a certain extent, an' ther's noa charity does as mich gooid wi as +little +cost as givin yor old clooas. Luk what comfort yo give a chap; then as +sooin as he sees his sen luk respectable, he begins to want to be soa, +he feels to have moor pluck, he doesn't hing daan his heead, he's a +better chonce to win a honest livin, an' yo may safely think yo've gien +a chap a lift on his way, when yo've gien him yor old clooas.</p> + +<p>'If the 8th of June is a rainy day, it foretells a wet +harvest, so men +say,' but whether it does or it doesn't aw cannot tell: if it does we +mun mak th' best on it, that's all; but we've one bit o' comfort left +even then, for its sure to be fair at Halifax o'th' 24th. It's grand to +goa to th' Fair an' see fowk starin at th' pictures; an' its cappin to +harken to th' show fowk shaatin an' bawlin an' tellin all sooarts o' +tales to draw th' brass aght o' yor pockets. Then ther's th' swingin +booats, them's for cooarters: they're a grand institution for young +fowk, for if a chap can get his young woman to get in, he's sure of a +chonce to get his arm raand her waist, an' give her a bit of a squeeze. +Then ther's th' flyin' horses, whear a chap can get made mazy for a +penny: wheniver aw see 'em they allus remind me ov a chap aw knew; he +stood abaat six foot two in his stockin feet, an' weighed abaat six +stooan an' a hauf; an' one day he'd been poorly a bit, soa he thowt +he'd +ax a friend 'at had a donkey if he'd lend it him. 'Tha can have it an' +welcome,' th' chap said, 'but aw'm feeard thi legs is too long.' 'Oh +ne'er heed that,' he sed, 'if aw find 'em to trail aw'l hold 'em up.' +Soa he gate it, an as he wor varry leet they went on nicely for a bit, +but just as he wor comin on Charlestaan, a chap stopt him to ax him +what +they called that old church, soa he dropt daan his feet on to'th floor +and began to explain an' as sooin as he'd done that, th' donkey walked +away leavin him thear striddlin like a clooas peg. As sooin as he'd +finished he sed 'gie up!' an he thowt o' sittin daan; an' he did, but +it +wor soa mich lower daan wol he thowt his back wor brokken; when he +luk'd +raand he saw Neddy trottin up th' Haley Hill. 'Tha's tow't me a +lesson,' +he sed, 'an' for th' futur, as long as iver aw can do for misen, aw'l +niver seek onybody's ass istance.</p> + +<p>Ther's nowt like bein independent, an mooast fowk have a +chonce if +they'll nobbut 'mak hay wol th' sun shines,' an' if yo dooant mak it +then yo'll niver be able to mak it at ony other time. If yo want to mak +love, yo can mak that when th' mooin shines, but it will'nt do for hay. +Aw remember a queer tale 'at they used to tell ov a chap 'at had some +strange nooations, an' allus thowt his own way best. An' one day as +some +chaps were gooin past his farm, they saw him runnin up an' daan i' th' +front o' th' lathe, wi' a empty wheelbarro, and then rush in, an' upset +it, and aght agean. 'Why,' says one, 'aw'm sure Ike must be crack'd, +whativer can he be dooin?' Soa they went to ax him. 'What's up nah +Ike?' +said one, 'tha'll kill thisen if tha gooas on like that, are ta trainin +for a match or summat?' 'Yo dooant know,' sed Ike, 'but aw'l let yo +into +a saycret; yo see aw'd getten all th' grass cut yesterday, an' aw +fancied it wor baan to rain, soa aw haased it just green as it wor, an' +nah aw'm wheelin sunshine in to dry it wi.' 'Well, tha'rt a bigger +fooil +nor aw tuk thi for! Does ta think tha can wheel sunshine into th' +lathe, +same as horse-muck?' 'Thee mind thi own business,' says Ike, 'aw should +think aw've lived long enuff to know what aw'm dooin, an' when aw want +taichin aw'll send for thee.' Soa they left him to his wheelin, but ha +long he kept at it they didn't know, but in a few days they saw him +agean an' axed him ha he fan his system to answer? An' he says 'Why, aw +dooant get on varry weel, but it is'nt th' fault o' th' system, th' +fact +is, aw connot do it till aw get a bigger barro. But he wod'nt give in. +An' ther's lots o' th' same sooart.</p> + +<p>Perseverance is a grand thing. If it wornt for tewin, an' +sewin, an' +plowin whear wod th' harvest be? An ther's noa greater blessin nor a +gooid harvest. Ther's a deal o' fowk have a harvest abaat this time. +Flaar shows reap a benefit if th' weather be fine. Ther's nowt aw like +better nor to goa to a flaar show, moor especially sich as th' Haley +Hill, Ovenden, Siddal, or Elland, or ony other, whear th' mooast o' th' +stuff has been grown bi workin fowk. Th' plants may'nt be as bonny, but +they luk bonnier to me, an' they tell a tale 'at yo cannot mistak. Ha +monny haars' enjoyment have they gien to th' fowk 'ats growin 'em? An' +ha oft have they kept chaps aght o' th' alehaase? An' then see ha praad +prize winners are! Aw allus feel sooary 'at they cannot all win th' +furst prize, for aw'm sure they desarve it for ther trouble. An' if yo +nooatice, yo're sure to see a nice cheerful woman or two, stood cloise +aside o'th' plants 'at's wun owt, an' if yo wait a bit yo'll see her +ivery nah an' then, touch somdy o'th' elbow as they're gooin past, an' +point at th' ticket an' say, 'sithee, them's awr's!' 'What them 'at's +won th' prize?' 'Eea.' 'Why they're grand uns!' An' then shoo'l whisper +in her ear, 'Ther's nubdy can touch aw'r Simon 'at growin thease, tha +sees he understands it.' A'a Simon! shoo's a deeal o' faith i' thee, +an' +if tha's made muck wi thi clogs sometimes when tha's trailed in withaat +wipin thi feet, shoo forgives thi nah. Wimmen's varry soft after all +an' +its as weel it is soa, for ther's monny a gooid harvest a' happiness +been gethered in at wod ha been lost but for a soft word or two.</p> + +<p>Another old sayin', 'September blow soft, till the fruit's +i'th' loft,' +for if strong winds blow nah it'll spoil all th' apples an' stuff, an' +it'll be soa mich war for fowk 'at has to addle ther livin for whativer +else fowk differ abaat, aw think they're all agreed o' one point, an' +that is, ther's noa livin long withaat aitin. But it's hard wark gettin +a livin nah days, an' them 'at's comfortably off owt to be thankful. +But +it's cappin i' what queer ways some fowk do get a livin! Aw knew a chap +once 'at stood abaat seven feet, an' he wor soa small he luk'd like a +walkin clooas prop. Talk abaat skin and grief! aw niver did see sich a +chap, an' his face luk'd to be all teeth an' een. He used to waive a +bit +at one time, but he gate seck'd becos his maister catched him asleep in +a stove pipe. But one day he wor wanderin abaat, an' wonderin ha to get +a livin, an' in a bit a chap comes up to him, an' says, 'Does ta want a +job?' 'Aw do that, can yo find me one, maister?' he sed. 'Well,' says +th' chap, 'tha'rt just th' lad 'at aw want if tha'll goa, for aw keep a +druggist's shop at Sowerby Brig, an' if tha'll stand i'th' winder an' +flay fowk into fits as they goa past, aw'll gie thee a paand a wick.' +'It's a bargain,' he sed, 'an' he went wi' him, an' aw've been tell'd +'at that druggist made a fortun i' twelve months wi nowt but sellin fit +physic. Whether that's true or net aw will'nt say, but aw'm sure ther's +some fowk at Sowerby Brig 'at dooant seem altogether reight even yet.</p> + +<p>An' its hardly to be wondered at, for one hauf o'th' fowk we +meet i'th' +streets on a neet, seem to be druffen. Aw hear some queer tales +sometimes, but aw dooant tell all aw know. 'Ale sellers shouldn't be +tale tellers.' But aw'm sooary to say at th' mooast ale sellers at' aw +know are varry fond o' taletellin. Ther's nowt shows a chap's +littleness +as mich as to be allus talkin abaat his own or somdy else's private +affairs; an' ther's nowt likely to produce moor bother nor that system +o' tittle tattlin abaat other fowk's consarns. Ther's a deal o' blame +ligg'd o' th' wimmen sometimes, for gossipin ovver a sup o' rum an' +tea: +an' noa daat its true enuff, but aw think some o' th' men hav'nt mich +room to talk, for they gossip as mich ovver ther ale as ivver wimmen do +ovver ther tea. Little things 'at's sed in a thowtless way sometimes +cause noa end o' bother, an' it's as weel to be careful for ther's +trouble enuff. A chap an' his wife 'at lived neighbors to me, had a +word +or two one neet, an' soa shoo went up stairs to sulk; an' when he sat +daan to his supper he thowt he'd have her on a bit, soa he cut all th' +mait off a booan, an' then he sed to' his oldest lass. 'Here, Mary! Tak +this up stairs to thi mother an' tell her 'at thi father has sent her a +booan to pick.' Th' lass tuk it up to her mother an' tell'd her 'at her +father'd sent it, an' as sooin as shoo saw it, shoo says, 'Tak it him +back, an' tell him 'at he isn't thi father, an' that'll be a booan for +him to pick.'—An' it wor an' all, an' it's stuck in his +throit to this +day, soa yo see what bother that's caused.</p> + +<p>It's nivver wise to be rackless naythur i' word nor deed, for +whativver +yo plot an plan agean other fowk it's ommost sewer to roll back on +yorsens an' trap yor tooas if it does nowt else; 'Fowk 'at laik wi' +fire +mun expect a burn.' An soa all yo 'at intend to keep up Gunpaader plot +munnot grummel if yo get warmed a bit. But gunpaader plot isn't th' +only +plot 'at gets browt to a finish this month; ther's lots o' plottin an' +planin besides that. Ther's monny a chap 'at's been langin for a year +or +two to be made a taan caancillor 'at's been havin all his friends to +ther supper, an' 'at for th' last month or two has been stoppin fowk +'at +he's met, an' shakin hands wi 'em, an' axin all abaat ha ther wives an' +childer are gettin on, tho' he's passed th' same fowk monny a hundred +times befoor an' nivver spokken to 'em at all. It's all plottin. A'a +this little bit o' pride! A'a this desire to be summat thowt on! Aw +dooant know ha we should get on withaat it! Ther's a gooid deeal o' +califudge i'th' world after all, but aw dooant think it does mich harm, +for mooast fowk can see throo it. But it allus maks me smile when aw +goa +to a ward meetin, an' hear furst one an' then another get up an' thank +a +caancillor for dooin soa mich for 'em, an' prayin 'at he'll suffer +hissen to be re-elected; when at th' same time they know 'at he's ready +to fall ov his knees to beg on 'em to send him agean. Well, aw dooant +know why a chap shouldn't be thanked for dooin that 'at's a pleasure to +hissen an' a benefit to others! It's nobbut th' same as me writin this, +it suits me to write it, an' it suits others to read it, yet aw think +aw'm entitled to some thanks after all.</p> + +<p>But one munnot expect to get all they're entitled to, an' its +a jolly +gooid job we dooant, for if we did ther'd be a lot on us 'at ud have to +be burried at th' public expense. We're nooan on us too gooid, but +'It's +niver too late to mend,' an' it's niver too sooin to begin, soa nah 'at +we've getten to th' end ov another year, let us carefully reckon up an +see ha we stand. Aw fancy we shall all find 'at ther's lots o' room for +improvement yet, an' ther's nowt at yo can do 'at's likely to give yo +moor satisfaction nor to detarmine to do better for th' future. A +chap's +allus awther better or war at th' end o'th' year nor what he wor at th' +beginnin, an aw'm sure iverybody'll feel pleased to know at they're all +o'th' mendin hand. It's a pity to think ivery time Christmas comes +raand +'at ther's soa mony fowk 'at will'nt be able to have a merry un. Aw'm +sooary it is soa, an' aw wod help it if aw could. Ther's nubdy enjoys a +bit ov a spree better nor aw do, but ther's one thing aw dooant like, +an +that is to be pestered off my life booath at hooam an abroad wi fowk +commin an sayin, 'Aw wish yo a merry Christmas an' a happy New Year,' +when all th' time aw know weel enuff they wish nowt at sooart, but just +come for what they can get. Nah if sich-like wod nobbut come an' say +plain aght, 'we come to see what yo'll give us, an' we dooant care a +button whether yo've a merry Christmas or net,' why, then yo'd know +what +to mak on 'em. Ony body at's ony gooid wishes to give, let 'em give +'em, +but aw'm blow'd if aw care to buy' em, becoss they arn't genuine at's +to +sell. Th' price may be low enuff—a glass o' whisky or a +shillin, but +unless they come free gratis, for nowt, aw'd rather net be bothered wi' +'em. Shoolers, please tak nooatice. +</p> + +<pre> + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorksher Puddin', by John Hartley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHER PUDDIN' *** + +***** This file should be named 18175-h.htm or 18175-h.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/1/7/18175/ + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS' WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card donations. +To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + + +</pre> + +</body> +</html> diff --git a/18175.txt b/18175.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..af7b1ab --- /dev/null +++ b/18175.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11161 @@ +The Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorksher Puddin', by John Hartley + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + + +Title: Yorksher Puddin' + A Collection of the Most Popular Dialect Stories from the + Pen of John Hartley + +Author: John Hartley + +Release Date: April 14, 2006 [EBook #18175] + +Language: English + +Character set encoding: ASCII + +*** START OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHER PUDDIN' *** + + + + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + + + + + + + Yorksher Puddin' + + A collection of the most popular dialect stories + From the pen of John Hartley. Born 1839 Died 1915. + +Author of "Yorkshire ditties," "Clock Almanack," "Seets i' london," etc. + + + "This life, sae far's I understand, + is an enchanted fairy land, + where pleasure is the magic wand, that weilded right, + maks hours like minutes, hand in hand dance by fir' light." + _Burns._ + + +The Copyright of this Book is entirely the property of W. Nicholson and +Sons, and no one will be allowed to print any portion of it without +their permission. + + + + +Preface + +The numerous applications for the productions of Mr. Hartley's pen, the +majority of which have been out of print for many years, warrants us in +believing that this collection of Yorkshire Stories, will be welcomed to +a large circle of his admirers. + + +Dedication + +To my Dear Sister Hannah, to whose love and motherly care I owe more +than I can ever repay, I dedicate this little book as a token of sincere +affection. John Hartley Christmas 1876. + + + + +Contents + +Frozen to Death Or the Cottage on the Hill. +Pill Jim's Progress Wi' Johns Bunion. +Moravian Knight's Entertainment. +Sperrit Rappin. +Ther's a Mule I' th' Garden. +A Neet at "Widup's Rest." +Tinklin' Tom. +Th' New Schooil Booard. +Tha Caps me Nah! +Nay Fer Sewer! +Th' Battle o' Tawkin. +"Owd Tommy." (A Yorkshire Sketch.) +It Mud ha' been War. +Ha a Dead Donkey Towt a Lesson. +One, Two, Three. +Sammy Bewitched. +Hard to Pleeas. +Ratcatchin'. +Owd Moorcock. +Peace Makkin. +Awr Emma--A False Alarm. +Niver Judge by Appearances. +Mi First Testimonial. +Five Paand Nooat. +Silly Billy. +Put up wi' it. +A Queer Dream. +The Mystery of Burt's Babby +Mak th' best on't. +Mrs Spaiktruth's Pairty. +Why Tommy isn't a Deacon. +One Amang th' Rest. +What's yor Hurry? +Ha Owd Stooansnatch's Dowter gate Wed. +Th' New Railrooad. +Mose Hart's Twelvth Mess. +Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill Statty. +Owd Dawdles. +Property Huntin'. +Abraham's Sparrib. +A Run ovver th' Year. + + + + +Frozen to Death + +Or the Cottage on the Hill. + +A Christmas Story. + + +CHAPTER I. + +The last strain of the grand old Christmas hymn had just been warbled +forth from the throats and hearts of a number of happy folks, who were +seated around the blazing log one Christmas eve; and on the face of each +one of that family circle the cheering light revealed the look of +happiness; the young--happy in the present, and indulging in hopeful +anticipations for the future; the old,--equally happy as the young, and +revelling in many a darling memory of the past. + +"Come, Uncle John!" said a bright-eyed, flaxen-haired beauty, over whose +head not more than ten Christmas days had passed,--"Come, uncle, _do_ +tell us a story; you know that we always expect one from you." + +"Well, my pretty little niece," he replied, "I fear that I have +exhausted all my store of ghosts and hobgoblins, and if I tell you a +story now, it must be from the cold, stern world of fact, which, I fear, +will be less interesting to you than the romantic fictions I have +rehearsed on former occasions." + +"Oh dear, no! tell us a story, a true story--we shall be all the more +delighted to know that we are listening to an account of what has really +occurred. Do begin at once, please". + +Knocking the ashes from the bowl of his pipe, and having carefully +reared it against the hob, he commenced:-- + +"The factory bells had just ceased ringing, and the whistles had given +out their last shrieks, like the expiring yells of some agonized demon, +as the old church clock drowsily tolled the hour of six, on one of the +most miserable of December mornings. High on a bleak hill stood a little +whitewashed cottage, from the door of which issued two children, +apparently about ten years of age. As they stept into the cold morning +air they shuddered, and drew their scanty garments closer around them. + +"Nah, yo'll ha' to luk sharp! yond's th' last whew!--yo've nobbut +fifteen minutes," cried a voice from within. + +It was with great difficulty that the little couple succeeded in +reaching the high road, for the ground was covered with ice, on which a +continual sleet fell, and the wind, in fitful blasts, howled about them, +threatening at almost every step to overthrow them. But they had no time +to think of these things; slipping and running, giving each other all +the aid in their power, they pressed on in the direction of the +factory--the fear of being too late over-whelming every other +consideration. + +"Come on, Susy!" said the little lad, whom we should take to be the +older of the two. "Come on, we shall niver be thear i' time; come on! +stand up! tha hasn't hurt thi, has ta?" he said, as she fell for the +third time upon the slippery pavement. + +Tenderly he helped her to rise, but poor Susy had hurt herself, and +although she strove to keep back her tears and smother her sobs, Tom saw +that she had sustained a severe injury. + +"Whisht!" he said, "tha munnot cry; whear ar ta hurt? Come, lain o' me, +an' aw'l hug thi basket." + +"O, Tom, aw've hurt mi leg--aw cannot bide to goa any farther; tha'd +better leave me, for aw'm sure we'st be too lat." + +"Happen net--tha'll be better in a bit,--put thi arm raand mi shoulder, +tha'rt nobbut leet; aw could ommost hug thi if it worn't soa slippy. Sup +o' this tea, si thee, it's warm yet, an' then tha'll feel better: an' if +we are a bit too lat, aw should think they'll let us in this mornin'." + +Susy drank of the tea, and, revived by its warmth, she made another +attempt to pursue her way. But it was slow work; Tom did his best to +help her, and tried to cheer her as well as he could, though now an' +then a tear fell silently from his eyes, for his little fingers were +numbed with cold, and he felt the rain had already penetrated to his +skin, and the dreadful prospect of being late, and having to remain in +the cold for two hours, was in itself sufficient to strike dread into +the heart of one older and stronger than he. Even the watchman as he +passed, turned his light upon them for a moment, and sighed. It was no +business of his,--but under his waterproof cape there beat a father's +heart, and he murmured as he paced the solitary street, "Thank God, they +arn't mine." + +But we must leave them to pursue as best they can, their miserable way, +whilst we return to have a glance at the occupants of the cottage from +which we saw them start. It is a one storied building, with but one room +and a small out-kitchen; in one corner is a bed, on which is laid a +pale, emaciated young man, to all appearance not yet thirty years of +age: he is asleep, but from the quick short breath, it is not difficult +to infer that his best days are over. In another corner, a number of +boxes are arranged so as to extemporize a bed, now unoccupied, but from +which the two little factory-workers have but lately arisen. A jug of +herb tea is on the table. The fire is very low, and the light from it is +only sufficient to render all indistinctly visible. In a chair opposite +is a young woman with such a mournful, careworn face, that a glance +inspires you with sorrow; and from a bundle of clothes on her knee +issues the fretful wail of a restless child. The monotonous tick of an +old clock is the only sound, saving the longdrawn sigh of that young +mother, or the quick, hollow breathing of the sleeping man. Now and then +the wind whistles more shrilly through the crevices of the door, and the +rain beats with greater force against the little window. The mother +draws still nearer to the few red embers, and turns a timid glance to +the window and then to the bed: another sigh, and then the overburdened +heart overflows at her eyes, and the large bright drops fall quickly on +that dearly loved infant. + +The church clock chimes a quarter after six--this rouses the mother once +more to set aside her own griefs; the wind still howls, and the rain +beats with unabated fury against the glass: her thoughts are of those +little ones, and a tremor passes over her as she fears lest they should +be shut out. The man moves wearily in his bed, and opening his eyes, he +looks towards his wife. She is at his side in an instant. + +"Have they gooan, Bessy?" he asks. + +"Eea, they've gooan, an' aw hooap ther thear before nah." + +"It saands vary wild. We ne'er thowt it ud come to this twelve year sin, +Bess,--an' it's all along o' me!" + +"Nay, Jim, tha munnot say soa--tha knows we can nooan on us help bein +poorly sometimes, but when spring comes tha'll pick up thi crumbs agean, +an' things 'll be different." + +"That's true, lass,--aw feel that's true--things _will_ be different +when spring comes, an' afoor it comes, aw'm feeard. Has ta iver been i' +bed to-neet?" + +"Nay, aw couldn't come to bed, 'coss th' child wor cross, but aw've +slept a bit i' th' cheer: dooant thee bother, aw'l look after mi sen. +Will ta have a sup o' this teah?" + +"Whisht!" he said, "that's awr Susy callin, aw'm sure it is! Oppen th' +door!" + +She flew to oppen th' door, and the storm rushed in with fury; the snow +had begun to fall thickly: she strained her eyes and called, "Susy! +Susy!" but she heard no response: yet her heart misgave her, for the +thoughts of her darlings being exposed to such a storm made her shudder; +but necessity knows no law, and on the slender earnings of these two +children depended the subsistence of herself and husband. + +"Aw think tha wor mistakken, Jim: aw con see nowt," she said, as she +returned and closed the door. + +"Well, happen aw wor; but it's a sorry mornin to turn aght two little +lambs like them. Bessy," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper, "aw +know aw'm i'th' gate,--aw con do nowt but lig i' bed, an' aw know 'at +thee an' th' childer have to goa short mony a time for what aw get, but +it willn't be for long. Dooant rooar! tha knows it's summat 'at we've +nowt to do wi; an' tha heeard what th' parson said, 'Ther's One aboon at +'ll work all things together for gooid,' an' aw feel my time's commin' +varry near; but aw'm nooan freetened like aw used to be; aw think it's +gooin to be a change for th' better--an' He'll luk after thee an' th' +little ens." + +"O! Jim! tha munnot talk abaght leavin us yet; tha'll be better in a +bit." + +"Niver i' this world, Bessy! Come, put thi heead o' th' pillow here +beside me, aw think aw want to rest." + +She placed the little babe upon the coverlet, laid her head upon the +pillow, and worn out with watching, she wept herself asleep. + +The church clock had chimed the half-hour before Tom and his little +sister landed at the mill yard, and it was closed. The storm was still +raging, but to his repeated entreaties for admission the same answer was +returned, "Tha'rt too lat! tha connot come in afoor th' braikfast." +Experience had taught him how vain his endeavours would be to obtain +admission; and had it been himself alone that was shut out, he would +have gone quietly away and spent the time as best he might; but he felt +emboldened by the responsibility that was upon him on his sister's +account, and he redoubled his efforts, but the timekeeper was +inexorable:--"My orders iz, az nubdy mun come in after a quarter past, +an' if tha doesn't goa away aw'l warm thi Jacket for thi; tha should ha +come i' time same as other fowk." Poor Tom! there had still lingered +some little faith in the goodness of human nature in his breast, but as +he turned away, the last spark died out. To attempt to go home he knew +would be useless, and therefore he sought as the only alternative, some +place where he might find shelter. At a short distance from the gate, +but within the sound of the whirling wheels, he sat down with his +uncomplaining sister upon his knee. The snow began to fall gently at +first, and he watched it as the feathery flakes grew larger and larger. +He did not feel cold now; he wrapped his little scarf around his +sister's neck. The snow fell still thicker: he felt so weary, so very +weary; his little sister too had fallen asleep on his breast;--he laid +his head against the cold stone wall, and the snow still fell, so +softly, so very gently, that he dozed away and dreamed of sunny lands +where all was bright and warm: and in a short time the passer-by could +not have told that a brother and sister lay quietly slumbering there, +wrapped in their shroud of snow. + +The hum of wheels has ceased; the crowd of labourers hurry out to their +morning's meal; a few short minutes, and the discordant whistles again +shriek out their call to work. Tom and Susy, where are they? The gates +will soon be closed again! + +Well, let them close! other gates have opened for those little suffering +ones. The gates of pearl have swung upon their golden hinges; no harsh +voice of unkind taskmaster greets them on their entrance, but that +glorious welcome. + +"Come, ye blessed!" and their unloosed tongues join in the loud +"Hosannah." + +But those pearly gates are not for ever open. The time may come when +those shall stand before them unto whom the words, "Inasmuch as ye did +it not to one of the least of these, ye did it not to me," shall sound +the death-knell of all hopes throughout an inconceivable eternity. + + +CHAPTER II. + +It is night, and the wind is sighing itself away. The snow has ceased to +fall, and the moon looks down upon the hills in their spotless covering, +shedding her soft, mild light upon all. The little cottage on the hill +side would be imperceptible, were it not for the light that streams +through the window and the open door. The church clock has just struck +eight, and for nearly an hour a woman has stood looking towards the +town, her anxiety increasing every moment. She listens to the sound of +feet on the crisp snow--they come nearer--they are opposite the turn +that leads to the cottage: but they pass on. Again and again she +listens:--once or twice she fancies she sees two children in the +distance--but they come not. Passersby become less frequent; again the +church clock chimes, and all is still. Her husband and her babe are +asleep. Quickly putting on her bonnet and shawl, she runs to her nearest +rleighbour to ask if she will sit with them until she returns, for she +must go and learn how it is that her children have not come home. She +fears no denial, and she meets with none; as soon as she has stated her +case, the good woman replies, "Sit wi' 'em lass! aw'm sure aw will! an' +thee," she said, turning to her husband, "put on thi hat an' coit an' +goa wi' her." + +"O, they're nobbut laikin at snowball, or else slurrin a bit," he +said;--at the same time he put on his hat and coat, and showed as +much alacrity to join in the search as the mother herself. + +Owd Becca thrust into her capacious pocket a tea cake and two eggs, and +taking the teapot into which she put a good supply of tea, she prepared +for starting off; but suddenly recollecting herself, she returned and +called in loud tones to her daughter: "Sarah I get that sucking bottle, +an' fill it wi' milk for th' little en, an' nah, if yo two 'll nobbut +bring th' childer back, aw'l see 'at all gooas on reight at hooam." + +Bessy began to express her thanks, but Becca was determined not to hear +her, and drowned all she said in exhorting her husband to "luk sharp." +Bessy and Old Abe directed their steps to the factory, but often paused +to ask passers-by if they had seen the two lost ones, but as there had +so many children passed whose outward appearance corresponded with +theirs of whom they were in search, they thought it best to go at once +to the works and ascertain at what time they left. + +Bessy's heart misgave her as she knocked at the gatekeeper's house; an +indefinable dread came over her, and she scarce knew how to state her +case. Little did she think that within sound of her voice lay the dear +objects of her search; hundreds of feet had passed them during the day, +but none had disturbed them; the whistles had screamed for them in vain, +for they had gone to that lasting "rest prepared for the weary and heavy +laden." From the gatekeeper they learned that the two had arrived too +late in the morning and gone away somewhere, but had not returned or +been seen afterwards. Bessy stood transfixed for a moment, scarce +knowing what to do, but Old Abe could look at the case more calmly; and +taking hold of her hand, he led her gently away, and proceeded forthwith +to the police station, where he gave as full an account and as correct a +description of the missing ones as he was able. It took but a short time +to accomplish this much, but the journey homewards was not so speedily +performed. Every dark corner was explored, and every alley and by-lane +had to be traversed, and the morning was far advanced when they reached +home after their unsuccessful search. + +The husband and babe were still sleeping, for Becca had ministered to +all their wants. She had buoyed herself with the hope that they would be +successful: but when she saw them return alone, her spirits sank as low +as those of the mother, and although she was silent, yet the frequent +application of the apron to her eyes showed that she felt as a mother +for one so sorrowfully placed. + +Promising to "luk in i' th' morn'," they left the disconsolate Bessy +to her grief. + +Who shall attempt to describe the anguish of that bereaved parent? +Statuelike she sat, nursing a sorrow too deep for tears. Hours passed, +and the first faint streak of dawn found her still sitting, with her +eyes intently fixed on vacancy. Her husband's voice was the first thing +that roused her from the state of despondency into which she had sunk. +He spoke with difficulty, and his voice was feeble as a child's. +"Bessy," he gasped, "tha munnot leave me ony moor. It's drawin varry +near. Awr little Tom an' Susy have been here wol tha's been off; aw +heeard 'em calling for me, but aw could'nt goa until aw'd had a word wi' +thee. Aw'm feeard tha'll tak it hard, lass, but if tha finds tha cannot +bide it, ax th' parson to tell thee what he tell'd to me, an' it'll +comfort thee." Bessy was unable to reply. Sorrows had been heaped upon +her so heavily that her feelings were benumbed; she scarcely +comprehended what was said, but in the bitterness of her soul she fell +upon her knees and sobbed--"Lord, help me!" + +Her husband feebly took her hand and drew her towards him. "He will help +thee, lassie, niver fear. One kiss, Bessy; gooid bye! Tom! Susy!--It's +varry dark.--Aw think aw want to sleep."-- + + "And ere that hour departed. + All death reveals, he knew." + + +CHAPTER III. + +A change had taken place in the atmosphere since Bessy and Abe had +returned. Here and there green patches could be seen on the hill side, +and the distant town presented a view of smoke-blackened roofs that +shone, dripping with wet as the sickly' sun glanced over them. Little or +no snow was to be found in the streets, and all the hideous sights stood +out once more rejoicing in their naked deformities. + +The giant engine--the factory's heart--was ceasing to beat once more, in +order to allow the workers time to swallow the food necessary to enable +them to bear up until noon. The gates were opened, and the crowd swarmed +forth, but all seemed instinctively directed to a group at a short +distance, whose pallid faces reflected the ghastly sight before them. +The group soon swelled to a vast crowd. Enquiries were made on every +hand by those in the outer circle--"What is it? what is it?" "_Frozen +to death._" Tenderly those rough handed, rough-spoken men raised the +death-frozen little ones. Some there were who knew them and had heard of +their loss. It was to them an easy task to account for their deaths, and +curses low but deep were cast on them, at whose doors the blood of those +innocents must lie. + +The bodies were taken to the nearest inn to wait an inquest. Those in +authority were quickly on the alert; whilst some who were acquainted +with the parents prepared to carry them the sorrowful tidings.--Poor +Bessy! thy cup of bitterness is nearly full! + +Old Becca had come according to promise, and found Bessy laid partially +upon the bed in a swoon, her arm around the neck of him who had been her +faithful partner for a dozen years. She raised her, bathed her forehead, +and used all means in her power to promote her recovery. After a short +time she was successful; and having prepared the other bed and placed +Bessy upon it, she hastily left to get some assistance. + +The poor have but the poor on whom they can depend in an emergency; and +it is a blessing that the request for help to each other is rarely if +ever made in vain. + +She soon returned with plenty of willing hands--one took the babe, and +others remained to perform the last sad offices to the remains of him +who had gone "a little while before." Soon the men arrived with the +mournful account of the discovery of the children, but Bessy knew it +not. God had had compassion upon her, and to save her heart from +breaking, had thrown a cloud over her reason. + +Silently they stood for a moment in that house of death; and as they +turned to go, one after another placed what money each had, noiselessly +upon the table: the whole perhaps did not amount to much, but who shall +say that it was not a welcome loan to the Lord--an investment in heaven +that should in after time yield to them an interest outweighing the +wealth of the whole world? + +As the day advanced, numbers gathered round the inn where the coroner +and jury were assembled. The usual form of viewing the bodies was gone +through; and, with the exception of the girl's ancle, which was found to +be dislocated, there appeared nothing to account for death save exposure +to the cold. + +The coroner quickly summed up, and addressing the jury said--"he did not +see how they could bring in any other verdict than 'died from natural +causes.'" With one exception all acquiesced, and this one refused to +agree to such a verdict, saying that death had been caused by unnatural +causes! At last the verdict was altered to "Found frozen to death." To +this a juryman wished to add something about arbitrary laws and +inhumanity, but he was overruled. + +It needed nothing now but to put them in the earth, and cover them up. + +The following morning the whistles shrieked as fiercely, the wheels went +round as merrily as ever; two other children were in the places of the +lost ones, and it was as if they had never been. + +The day for the funeral arrived--the father and children were to be +interred together. There was a large gathering of sympathising friends. +Poor Bessy! had partially recovered, but seemed like one just waking +from a dream; the mournful cortege gained the church yard. The coffins +were slowly lowered into the grave. The grey-haired pastor's voice was +at times almost inaudible--every heart was touched, for all took the +case home to themselves, and asked the question, "How if they were +mine?" "Dust to dust, and ashes to ashes," and the ceremony was +completed. + +Few of them had failed to remark the presence of a strange mourner--one +whose dress bespoke him to be a gentleman; and as the widow turned to +leave the grave, he stept up to her and offered her his arm for support. +She took it mechanically, and wended her way to her desolate home. He +was the only one, with the exception of Old Becca, who entered with +Bessy. + +He looked around the forlorn room, gazing now here, now there, to hide +his emotion. He seemed about to speak when a knock at the door +interrupted him. + +Becca opened it, and returned with a letter stating that the bearer +required an answer. The stranger took it with an air of authority and +broke the seal; as he did so, a five pound note fluttered to the ground. +While he read the letter his eyes flashed with a strange fire, and his +quivering nostril showed the strength of the passion raging within. + +Turning to the boy, he thrust the letter into his hand, and bade him +pick up the note. "Take this answer to your master, boy," he said; "we +return the letter and his money with disdain, and tell him that Bessy +Green is not so desolate and friendless that she needs accept five +pounds as the price of two innocent lives. The debt is one that no man +can cancel: but the reckoning day is sure to come! tell him that, boy, +from the brother of Bessy Green, from the uncle of Tom and Susy." + +The boy hurried away with the message; and Bessy, who had been aroused +by the stranger's vehemence, at the word "brother," threw herself upon +his neck, crying--"It is George!" What follows is quickly told: Bessy's +grief was deep, and it took long long months before she was fitted to +engage in the ordinary occupations of life; but change of scene and +cheerful company, together with the daily expanding beauties of her only +child, partially healed her lacerated heart. Her generous brother, who +had returned from a distant land,--where fortune had smiled upon his +labours--took her to live with him, and adopted her child as his son. +Becca and Abe became also installed in the house as helpers; and now, +far away from the regions of factory whews, they are all living amicably +together. + +"That is my story for this; Christmas. How do you like it?" + +It is very sorrowful, uncle John, but we are much obliged to you for +telling it us, but it is surely wrong for children so young to be +compelled to go to work at such an early hour? + +"It may not be wrong to require them so to do, but it would at least +show a desire on the part of the employers to ameliorate the hardness of +their lot if, while endeavouring to enforce strict punctuality, they +would provide some shelter for those who, having come from a distance, +fail to arrive in time for admission." + +"Hark, the village Waits!" + + + + +Pill Jim's Progress Wi' Johns Bunion. + + +It wor a varry wild day when John set off to see Pill Jim, as he wor +called, but as it wor varry particklar business, he didn't let th' +weather stop him. + +Nah, Pill Jim wor a varry nooated chap i' some pairts o' Yorkshire. He +wor an old chap, an' lived in a little haase to hissen, an' gate a +livin' wi' quack-docterin' a bit; an' whativer anybody ailed, he'd some +pills at wor sure to cure 'em; soa, as John had been sufferin' a long' +time, he thought he'd goa an' have a bit o' tawk wi' him, an' see if he +could get any gooid done. + +It chonced, as luck let, at Jim wor at hooam, an' he invited him in, but +as he'd nobbut one cheer, John had to sit o'th' edge o'th' long table. + +"Well, John," he sed, "an' what's browt thee here this mornin'?" + +"Nay, nowt 'at means mich, Jim; but aw've heeard a gooid deal o' tawk +abaght thy pills, an' aw thowt they'd happen do me a bit o' gooid; but +aw wanted to have a bit o' tawk to thee th' first abaght it, for tha +knows one sooart o' physic doesn't do for iverybody." + +"Tha'rt just mistakken abaght that, John, for my pills cure owt; they're +oppenin' pills, an' although aw'm a chap 'at doesn't like to crack +abaght misen, aw con just tell thee a thing or two 'at'll mak thee +stare." + +"Well, that's what aw want, Jim, s'oa get on wi' thy tellin'." + +"Aw hardly know whear to begin, but, hasumiver, aw'll tell thee one +thing: ther's lots o' fowk livin' raand abaght here 'at's been oppen'd +by em, an' to some tune too; an' although aw consider physic an evil at +all times, still my pills must be regarded as a necessary evil. A chap +once coom to see me, an' browt a lot o' oysters, but he wor fast ha to +get into 'em; aw made noa moor to do but just put two or three pills +amang 'em, an' they wor oppen'd in a minit. He sed he'd niver seen sich +a thing afoor. An' if tha con keep a secret, aw'll tell thi summat else +but tha munnot split. One neet just at th' end o' last summer, a +queer-lukkin' chap coom an' sed he didn't feel vary weel, an' he'd come +to me becoss he didn't want tother doctors to know; soa aw axed him who +he wor. He didn't like to tell me for a bit, but at last he sed' he wor +th' Clerk o'th' Weather Office, an' he'd just getten a day off, bi th' +way ov a leetnin'.' 'Well,' aw says, 'aw'll gie yo a box o' pills, an' +yo mun tak two ivery neet.' He thanked me an' went away, an' aw've +niver seen a wink on him sin, but tha may be sure it's them pills 'at we +have to thank for sich a oppen winter as we've had, for as aw sed +befoor, they'll oppen owt." + +"Well, Jim, tha fair caps me! Aw wonder tha hasn't made a fortun befoor +nah! But aw dooant think aw want ony pills, tho' aw'm badly enough." + +"Why, what does ta ail? Has ta getten th' backwark, or th' heeadwark, or +does ta feel wamly sometimes an' cannot ait?" + +"Nawther, John; it's summat else nor that." + +"Why, is it summat 'at tha has o' thi mind!" + +"Noa, it isn't mi mind, it's mi understandin' 'at's 'sufferin'. Th' +fact is, Jim, aw'm troubled wi' a bunion." + +"Let's luk at it," says Jim, "ther's nowt easier to cure nor a bunion." + +John took off his shoe an' stockin', an' when Jim saw it he sed, "Oh, aw +see what it wants; it wants bringin' to a heead." + +"Well, aw think bi th' rate it's growin', it'll be a heead afoor long, +for it's as big as mi neive already." + +"Nah, aw'll tell thee what tha mun do. Tak five or six o' thease pills +ivery neet till tha feels a bit ov a difference, an' when tha gooas to +bed tha mun put thi fooit into a pooltice, an' tha'll find it'll get +better as it mends." + +"Well, aw think ther's some sense i' what tha says, soa aw think aw'll +try some; ha does ta sell 'em?" + +"If tha buys a box they're a penny, but they corne in cheaper to buy 'em +bi weight, an' as its thee aw'll let thi have a pund for a shillin'; if +it wor onybody else, they'd be sixteen pence." + +"Well, aw'll tak a pund, onyway. An' if aw can't tak 'em all misen, +they'll happen be useful to somdy else." + +"Tha mun tak 'em all thisen, an' then tha'll feel th' benefit on em," +sed Jim. + +"Well," sed John, when he'd getten 'em teed up in his hankerchy, "aw +wish yo gooid day, an aw'll come an' see yo in a bit to repoort +progress." + +John limped hooam as weel as he could, an' after puttin' th' pills into +a pint basin i'th' cubbard, he went to bed. His wife axed him what he +could like to his supper, but he sed he worn't particklar, soa shoo went +daanstairs, an' when shoo luk'd i'th' cubbard, shoo saw this basin o' +pills, but shoo thowt they wor pays; soa shoo gate a bit o' mutton an' +made a sup o' broth an' put 'em in; an' when they'd been boilin' awhile +shoo couldn't find 'em hardly. "Why," shoo sed, "aw niver saw sich pays +as theease i' all mi life; they've all boiled to smush." Shoo tuk him a +basinful upstairs, an' after a spooinful or two, he sed he thowt they +tasted rayther queer. "Oh! it's thi maath at's aght o' order, mun," +shoo sed; "get 'em into thee, they're sure to do thee gooid." + +John tew'd hard wi' 'em an' at last he finished 'em. "Niver buy ony moor +pays at that shop," he sed, "for aw'm sure they're nooan reight. + +"Aw didn't buy 'em," shoo sed, "they're what wor i'th' cubbard; aw thowt +tha'd put 'em thear thisen." + +When John heeard that, he knew in a minit what shoo'd done, an' he +stared at her. + +"What are ta staring at, wi' thi een an' thi maath wide oppen like +that?" sed his wife. + +"Tha'd ha' thi een an' thi maath oppen if tha'd swallowed what aw have," +he said, "for they'll oppen ewt." + +John gate up an' dressed an' went aght, an' as he didn't offer to come +back, his wife an' two or three ov his mates went to seek him; an' a few +yards off th' door they fan his clooas an' hat an' a pair o' booits, an' +in one o'th' booits they fan a bunion,--an' that wor all ther wor left +o' John. + +It wor rayther a awkard thing to swear to, but his wife sed shoo +couldn't be mistakken, for shoo knew it soa weel wol shoo'd be bun to be +able to pick it aght ov a looad o' new puttates. Ov cooarse, they'd a +inquest, but as ther wor noa evidence, an' sich a case had niver been +known befoor, they returned a oppen verdict. + +A few days after, as Pill Jim wor gooin' past th' church yard, he saw a +chap oppenin' a grave, an' axed him who he wor oppenin' it for; an' when +he heeard it wor for th' remains o' poor John, he muttered to hissen, +"Noa wonder! noa wonder! them pills, they'll oppen owt. Aw wor sure +they'd awther drive th' bunion away throo John, or John away throo th' +bunion, which wor for th' best aw connot tell; its an oppen question-- +them pills leeave ivery--thing oppen." + + + + +Moravian Knight's Entertainment. + + +If yo want to know owt abaght me, let me tell yo 'at they called mi +father Knight, an' when aw wor born he had me kursend Moravian; but noa +sooiner did aw begin to laik wi' th' lads abaght ner aw began to be +called Morry Neet. Soa mich abaght misen. + +Aw oft think 'at fowk mak a sad mistak, i' spendin all ther time +leearnin. Aw think if them 'at know soa mich had to spend part o' ther +time taichin other fowk what they know, th' world mud ha' fewer +philosophers, but it 'ud have fewer fooils. As that's my nooation, awve +detarmined to let yo know ha aw gate on th' furst time aw went to a +penny readin, an' may be somdy 'll leearn summat bi that. + +Awd seen a lot o' bills stuck up for mony a day, statin' at th' 16th +select penny readin' wor to tak place i'th' Jimmy Loin National Schooil, +an' aw thowt awd goa. Soa when th' neet coom aw went to th' door aw +clap daan mi penny like a mon, an' wor walkin in-- + +"Stop! Stop!" shaated aght th' brass takker, "Tha mun come back, tha's +nobbut gien me a penny." + +"Aw know aw've nobbut gien thee a penny," aw says; "Ha mich moor does ta +want? Its a penny readin, isn't it?" + +"Eea, its a penny readin, but its thrippince to goa in," he sed. + +"Well, if that's it," aw says, "here's tother tuppince, but awm blowed +if aw see it." But aw went in, an' a rare hoilful ther wor. In a bit +Alderman Nonowt wor vooated into th' cheer, an' then he made a speech-- + +"Ladies and Gentlemen--(then he coughed two or three times, an' supt o' +watter),--I can assure you 'at nothink gives me greater pleasure, or +greater enjoyment, or I might say greater satisfaction, (a varry deal o' +clappin i'th' front seeats--supt twice), when I look around me, ladies +and gentlemen, and see so many old and familiar faces that I have never +seen before, and when I see so many strangers that I have passed long +years of social intercourse amongst, I feel, ladies and gentlemen, I +feel moved, very much moved, and when I gaze again I begin to feel +removed. Our object which we have in view, in keeping agate of giving +these here readings, are to throw open the doors of knowledge, so that +all may come and drink from the inexhaustible bottle, so to speak, +ladies and gentleman, which says 'drink and thirst no more' (great +cheering--women wi' cleean pocket hankerchies blow ther nooases). These +meetings have also another himportant object, a nobject noble and great, +which is namely, to draw people out of the public houses, and create a +thirst in them for wisdom. How many men, after a hard day's work, go and +sit in the public house, or what is still worse, often spend their time +at some thripny concert room until nine or ten o'clock, whereas now they +can come here and sit until 10 or 11 o'clock, where they are not only +hentertained, but hedicated and hedified. With thease few remarks, I +call upon the first reader for a solo on the German concertina." + +An' it wor a solo! It reminded me o' being in a bazaar at Fair time, +an' abaght a thaasand childer blowin penny trumpets; an' he whewd his +arms abaght like a windmill; an' aw wor nooan sooary when he'd done. +But fowk clapt an' stamped wol he coom back agean; an' he bow'd an' sed +he'd give 'em an immitation o'th' backpipe, an' awve noa daat it wor +varry like it, for awm sure noa frontpipe iver made as faal a din. +After that th' cheerman made a few remarks an' sed, music had charms to +soothe the savage beast, an' he'd no doubt we all felt soothed with what +we had heard. He had now the pleasure to call for something of a more +elevating nature still. The next reading would be a comic song. "Up in +a balloon boys." + +Th' chap 'at gave that wor varry wise, for as sooin as he'd begun +singin' he shut his een an' niver oppened 'em agean till he'd done, an' +if he'd kept his maath shut aw should ha' been better suited still. Ov +coorse he wor honcored, an' he coom back an' sang "Be--e--eutifool oil +of the Se--e--e--he!" wol he fair fooamd at th' maath, but awl wave mi +opinion o' that. Then coom th' gem o'th' evening, an' th' chap wor a gem +'at sang it. Th' cheerman sed he was always proud to be able to sit an' +listen to such like, for it show'd what a deal better world ther might +be if we all did our best for one another. + +Th' peanner struck up, an' a chap in a big white hat an' longlapp'd coit +sang "What aw did for Hannah," an' afoor he'd finished aw thowt if he'd +done hauf as mich for Hannah as he'd done for us he owt to be shot. But +when a chap's i' favor he con do owt, an' when he'd done an' been called +back three times, th' cheerman sed it wor now his duty to introduce the +Rev'd Dowell to read a selection from Heenuck Harden. + +As sooin as he'd sed this ivery body began to walk aght, an' soa as aw +thowt they must be gooin into another raam to hear it, aw went aght too. +But when awd getten aghtside aw saw they wor all awther leetin ther +pipes or laikin at soddin one another. Aw axed one on 'em if it wor all +over. "Net it," he sed, "we've nobbut come aght wol yond dry old stick +has done talking. Th' best pairt o'th' entertainment has to come off +yet! Ther's three single step doncers gooin to contest for a copy ov +'Baxter's Saint's Rest,' bun up wi' gilt edges." + +When aw heeard that aw ihowt, well, awm nooa saint misel, but if awm a +sinner awl have a bit o' rest, whether it's Baxter's or net. Soa aw +walked quitely off hooam, thinkin ha thankful we owt to be at fowk 'll +labor as they do to improve an elevate poor workin' fowk. That wor th' +end o' my entertainment. + + + + +Sperrit Rappin. + + +Did yo iver goa to a sperrit rappin' doo? Aw did once, but aw can't say +it wor mich i' my line. + +It happen'd one Setterdy neet 'at aw'd been to have a pint at th' "Rompin +Kittlin," an' aw heeard some chaps say 'at ther wor baan to be a meetin +i'th' owd wayvin shop o'th' Sundy afternooin, an' iver so mony mediums wor +commin to tell all 'at wor gooin on i'th' tother world, soa as awd nowt +else to do, aw went, an' after a bit o' thrustin aw managed to get into a +front seat: but they wor varry particlar who they let in. As aw wor set, +waitin for th' performance to begin, aw thowt it luk'd varry mich like a +inquest, for ther wor one chap set o'th' end o't' table, an' six daan each +side; an' they wor a lot o'th' rummest lukkin fowk aw'd seen for a long +time. They all seem'd as if they wanted sendin aght to grass, for ther +faces wor th' color ov a lot o' tallow craps. In a bit they started, an' +we all sang a hymn, an' varry weel it wor sung too, considerin 'at that +radical gravestoan letterer joined in it; for if ther is ony body 'at can +throw a whole congregation aght o' tune, its owd Cinnamon, for he owt +niver to oppen his maath onywhear unless all th' fowk is booath deeaf an' +blind, for th' seet o' his chowl is enuff to drive all th' harmony aght ov +a meetin. Aw dar wager a trifle 'at he'd be able to spoil th' Jubilee. +But as aw wor sayin, we did varry weel considerin, an' then th' cheerman +gate up an' addressed a few words to us. He sed he'd noa daat 'at ther wor +a goaid many amang us 'at didn't believe i' sperrits, but he could assure +us 'at ther wor moor i' sperrits sometimes nor what we imagined. He sed he +knew one man 'at had been under th' influence ov a sperit, 'at went hooam +an' tell'd his wife sich things 'at made her hair stand ov an end, an' when +he gate up next mornin he knew nowt abaat it till he saw his wife wor i'th' +sulks, an' he ax'd her "what ther wor to do." "Ther's plenty to do, aw +think," shoo says; "ha can ta fashion to put thi heead aght o'th' door? +But tha can have yond nasty gooid-for-nawt as soain as tha likes, for awst +leeave thi if aw live wol awm an haar older! It's a bonny come off, 'at me +at's barn ommoss a duzzen children to thi should be shoved o' one side far +a thing like yond!" "Why, lass, aw doant know what tha'rt talking abaat," +he sed, "tell me what tha meeans!" "Aw've noa need to tell thi," shoo sed, +"tha knows weel enuff, an' aw believe ivery word 'at tha sed, for they say +'at druffen chaps an' childer allus spaik th' truth, an' awve suspicioned +yond Betty for a long time! What reight has shoo to be dawdlin abaat other +fowks husbands for? If shoo wants a felly, let her get one ov her own! +But tha may tak her an' welcome, an' mich gooid may shoo do thi, an' may yo +allus be as happy together as aw wish vo--an' noa happier! drot her!" +"Why, did aw say owt abaat Betty? Tha mun tak noa nooatice o' owt aw say +when aw come hooam throo a meetin, tha sees, sin aw wor made a medium, aw +ammot allus just i' mi reight senses, an' it isn't me 'at spaiks, it's +what's in me." "Eea, an' it wor what wor in thi 'at spaik last neet! +Tha's noa need to tell me 'at tha worn't i' thi reight wit, for tha hasn't +been that for a long time but aw can tell thi one thing--if tha'rt a +medium, awm net gooin to be made one! aw'll awther be one thing or tother, +soa if tha'd rayther have yond mucky trolly, tak her; an' may yo booath +have a seed i' yor tooith an' corns o' yor tooas, an' be fooarsed to walk +daan th' hill, all th' days o' yor lives; that's what aw wish." He talked +to her for a long time, but it wor noa use, for yo see shoo'd niver been +enlightened, an' all he could say didn't convince her 'at he worn't +answerable for all he'd sed an' done; but ov cooarse it's weel known 'at +mediums arn't responsible for owt. After a few moor remarks, an' relatin a +few moor incidents, he sed "it wor abaat time to begin the serious business +'at had called us together, an' he sed he hooap'd 'at if ony had came to +scoff, they'd remain to pay, for they wor sadly i' need o' funds, an' he +hooap'd 'at iverybody wod respond liberally, for sperits sich as they dealt +in could not be getten o' trust, although they had to be takken that way." +Then he knock'd th' table three times wi' his knuckles, an' two o'th' +fiddle-faced chaps 'at wor set one o' each side on him, began to wriggle +abaat as if they'd getten th' murly grubs. "Stop! stop!" he sed, "one at +once, if yo pleease! Brother Sawny had better give his sperit backward for +a few minutes, wol we've done wi' Brother Titus's." Soa Sawny gave ovver +shakkin hissen, exceptin his heead, an' jumpin onto his feet, he sed, "If +awve allus to give way to Titus, awm blow'd if awl come to edify yor lot +ony longer." "Husht, husht!" says th' cheerman, "the sperit has takken +possession o' Titus already. Will ony o'th' unbelievers ax it a few +questions?" Soa aw thowt aw mud as weel be forrad as onybody else, soa aw +stood up an' ax'd it furst-- + +"What did they use to call thi?" + +"Mary Jane Wittering." + +"Ha long is it since tha deed?" + +(Noa answer; soa th' cheerman sed it wor a varry frivolous an' improper +question, an' aw mud ax summat else.) + +"Wor ta iver wed?" + +"Nobbut three times." + +"Wor ta allus true to 'em when tha had 'em?" + +(No answer; th' cheerman shook his neive at me.) + +"Are they livin or deead?" + +"One's deead, one's livin, an' one's a medium." + +"Has ta met anybody tha knows up i' yor pairts?" + +"Monny a scoor." + +"Are they happy or miserable?" + +"Some one way an' some another." + +"Has ta seen onybody at's come latly?" + +"Nubdy but a chap they call 'Profit." + +"What did they call him 'Profit' for?" + +"Aw doant know, unless it's becoss he did soa weel aght o' collectin th' +rates afoor he coom here." + +"Is he happy?" + +"Nut exactly, he's undergooin his punishment, poor chap." + +"What is it?" + +"He's shut up i'th dark for as monny year as he's charged fowk for feet o' +gas 'at they've niver burned; an' bi what awve heeard some o'th older end +o'th sperits say, it seems varry likely 'at eternity will ha getten farish +in, befoor he sees leet agean." + +"Is he tormented wi' owt?" + +"Nowt but his conscience." + +"Ha's that?" + +"He hadn't one when he coom, soa he's had to tak one at's been left bi +somdy else, an' it pricks him sadly." + +"Then it seems his brass willn't save him?" + +"Noa, for yo know, 'Wi whatsoever metre yo measure, to yo it'll be measured +agean." + +"Is ther owt to ait an' drink i' yor quarter?" + +"Noa, they've shut all th' shops up, an' it's time they shut thine up, for +aw'm stall'd o' tawkin to thi?" + +Aw wor baan to ax him summat else, but he began to wriggle agean, an' th' +cheerman sed th' sperit wor takkin its departure, an' in a minute he +oppened his een, an luk'd raand as sackless as if he had nobbut just +wakken'd. "Nah, my dear friend," sed th' cheerman, turnin an' spaikin to +me, "aw hooap yo're satisfied. Does ta believe i' what this sperit has +communicated?" + +"Well," aw says, "to tell the th' truth, aw can't say 'at aw awther believe +in it or net, for aw've noa proof, but if aw sed owt aw should be inclined +to say 'net'--but still it saands varry likely what one might expect, an' +that's all aw can say abaat it at present." + +"Be sure tha comes to awr meetin next Sundy," he sed, "an' aw can see 'at +tha'll sooin be one on us." An' for that reason aw niver went agean, for +aw couldn't help thinkin 'at if aw wanted to be a medium for sperits, 'at +awd rayther get a owd licensed haase an' start reight. + +Wol this had been gooin on, awd heeard a chap an' his wife, 'at sat cloise +to me, talkin a gooid deal, an' aw varry sooin fan aght 'at shoo wor tryin +to mak him believe as mich i' sperits as shoo did, an' ivery time th' +medium answered one o' my questions shoo nudged him, an' sed "Does ta hear +that? Its ivery word as true as gospel? Does ta believe it nah?" After +shoo'd axed him two or three times, he sed, "Well, its varry wonderful, an' +aw do begin to think 'at there's summat in it." "A'a!" shoo sed, "aw knew +tha'd believe if aw could get thi to come." It wor Sawney's turn next to +be entranced, as they call it, an' as sooin as th' sperit had takken +possession on him (which seemed to be a varry hard task, an' aw dooant know +wether it went in at his maath or whear), this woman 'at set aside o' me +jumped up an' axed if shoo mud be allowed to put a few questions. + +Th' cheerman sed shoo mud an' welcome, soa shoo began-- + +"Ha old am aw?"--"Fifty-two." + +"Am aw married or single?"--"Married." + +"Ha monny childer have aw?"--"Four." + +"Nah," shoo says, turning to her husband, "isn't it true?" + +"Yos, its true enuff," he sed, "aw believe there's summat in it, but aw +should like to ax a question or two misen." + +"Why, jump up, then, an' luk sharp an' start," shoo sed. + +So he started-- + +"Ha old am aw?"--"Fifty-three." + +"Nah then! didn't aw tell thi! does ta believe it nah?" shoo sed. + +"Am aw married or single?"--"Married." + +"True agean, tha sees," sed his wife. + +"Ha monny childer have aw?"--"Two." + +"Two! Then if my wife's four whose, is tother two?" + +As sooin as shoo heeard that, an' befoor th' medium had time to spaik, shoo +seized hold ov her umbrella, an'lauped off her seat towards whear th' +medium wor set, an' aw fancy if th' umbrella nop had made acquaintance wi' +his heead i'th' way shoo'd intended, 'at it wodn't ha taen long to +untrance that chap. But th' cheerman saw her comin, an' managed to stop +it, but it wor noa easy job to quieten her. "A'a, tha lyin gooid-for- +nowt!" shoo sed, "has ta come here slanderin daycent wimmin? Aw defy +awther onybody i' this world or onybody i'th' tother to say owt agean my +karractur! Yor a lot o' himposters, ivery one on yo, that's what yo are! +Come on, Jim," shoo sed to her husband, as shoo seized hold ov his arm, +"let us goa, its nooan a fit place for gradely fowk." + +"Dooant be i' sich a hurry," he sed, "aw begin to think ther's summat +in it." + +"Summat in it! Has ta noa moor sense nor to believe in a lot o' lyin +vagabones like thease? Let's get hooam, they're nooan fit spots for +daycent fowk, an' aw hooap awst niver catch thi i' one agean! Come on!" + +"Why, tha browt me, didn't ta? an' tha seemd to believe in it." + +"Eea, aw believed' em soa long as aw knew what they tell'd me wor true, but +as sooin as they start lyin, aw can't believe 'em then; but aw wish awd +hold o' that chap's toppin, an' awd shake th' truth aght on him, or else +awd rive his heead off--nasty low-lived sneak as he is! But come on +hooam, an if tha waits wol aw bring thi agean, tha'll wait wol tha'rt a +thaasand year old, an moor ner that." + +They went aght, an in a bit quietness wor restored. + +After a few moor remarks, th' cheerman sed 'at it wor too far on i'th' day +for ony moor sperits to be sent for, for th' mediums had another meeting to +attend that neet, soa he read aght another hymn, an' we tried to sing it to +th' tune ov "Sweet spirit, hear mi prayer," but we couldn't, for Cinnamon +wor too mich for us all--he wor a deal better brayer nor prayer, an' after +one or two moor tries, th' cheerman sed "'at unless that gentleman (lukkin +at Cinnamon) wod awther swallow a scaarin--stooan an' a pund o' sweet sooap +to clear his voice, or else keep his maath shut, we should have to leave +singin aght o'th' question altogether." But Cinnamon worn't to be put +daan; an' he tell'd th' cheerman 'at if he didn't know what singin wor he +did, an' when he wor in Horstraly (A voice--"What does ta know abaat +Horstraly, tupheead, tha niver went noa farther ner Burtonheead i' all thi +life"). This ryled Cim, an' he up wi' a stooil an' whew'd it slap at th' +cheerman. Aw saw ther wor likely to be a row, for whativer other sperit +wor thear, aw could see plain enuff 'at th' sperit o' mischief wor i' some +on 'em, soa aw crept up beside th' door an' pop'd aght, an' left 'em +to settle it as they could. + +Aw met Cinnamon th' next mornin, an' aw saw 'at he'd a gurt plaister ov +his nooas, an' aw couldn't help thinkin what a blessin it wod ha been to +some fowk if it had been stuck ovver his maath asteead. + + + + +Ther's a Mule I' th' Garden. + + +(This expression is one that I have often heard used in Yorkshire to +some unpleasantness being afoot.) + +A Christmas Story. + +Hark thi lass, what a wind! it's a long time sin we had sich a storm. +Folk ought to be thankful 'at's getten a warm hearthstooan to put ther +feet on, sich weather as this:--unless it alters it'll be a dree +Kursmiss-day. If ony poor body has to cross this moor to neet, they'll +be lost, as sure as sure con be. + +It's a fearful neet reight enuff, lad, an' it maks me creep cloiser to +th' range,--but it's th' sooart o' weather we mun expect at this time o' +th' year. It's a rare gooid job tha gate them peats in, for we stand i' +need ov a bit o' fire nah. Does ta mean to sit up all th' neet same as +usual? + +Eea, aw think ther's nowt like keep in up th' owd customs, an' we've +niver missed watchin Kursmiss in sin we wor wed, an' that'll be nearly +forty year sin; weant it? Shift that canel, sithee' ha it sweals! +Does'nt to think tha'd better ligg summat to th' dooar bottom? Hark thi +what a wind! Aw niver heeard th' likes; it maks th' winders fair gender +agean. Soa, soa; lend me owd o' that pooaker, aw shall niver be able to +taich thee ha to mend a fire aw do think. Tha should never bray it in +at th' top;--use it kindly mun, tha'll find it'll thrive better; it's +th' same wi' a fire as it is wi' a child--if you're allus brayin' at it +you'll mak it a sad un at th' last, an' niver get nowt but black luks. +But its net mich use talkin' to thee aw con see, for tha'rt ommost +asleep; aw believe if th' thack ud to be blown off tha couldn't keep thi +e'en oppen after ten o'clock; but use is second natur ommost, an' aw +feel rayther sleepy mysen, aw allus do when ther's a wind." + + * * * * * * * + +In two or three minutes they wor booath hard asleep, but they had't to +sleep long, for ther coom a knock at th' door laad enuff to wakken deeaf +Debra (an shoo couldn't hear thunner). Th' owd man started up an flew +to oppen th' door, an' in stawped a walkin' snow-drift. + +"Aw wish yo a merry Kursmiss," he said. + +"Thank thi lad; come a bit nearer th' leet. If tha's browt noa better +luk nor tha's browt weather, tha'd better ha stopped at hooam. Who art +ta?" + +"Well, its a bonny come off," said th' chap, "when my own uncle connot +own me." + +"Its nooan Ezra, is it?" said th' owd woman. + +"That's my name, aw believe, aunt," he said. + +"Waw, do come an' sit thi daan. Set that kettle on lad, and mak him a +drop o' summat warm; he'll do wi' it." + +It worn't long afoor th' new comer wor sat i'th' front o'th' fire, +smookin' a long pipe an' weetin' his whistle ivery nah an then wi' a +drop o' whiskey an' watter. + +"Nah lad," said th' owd man, "what news has ta browt? Tha's generally +summut new." + +"Aw've nowt mich uts likely to be fresh, aw dooant think," said Ezra. +"Yo'd hear tell abaght that do o' Slinger's aw reckon?" + +"Niver a word, lad; what's th' chuffin heead been doin?" + +"Well, aw'd better start at th' beginnin' o' my tale, an' as it's +rayther a longish en, you mun draw up to th' fire and mak up yor mind to +harken a bit." + +"Yo happen niver knew Molly Momooin? Shoo lived at Coldedge, an' used +to keep one o' them sooart o' spots known i' thease pairts as a whist +shop; yo'll know what that is? Shoo worn't a bad-like woman, +considerin' her age (for shoo wor aboon fifty, an' had been a widdy for +a dozen year), an iver sin her felly deed, shoo'd sell'd small drink +o'th sly (they dooant think its wrang up i' them pairts), an ther wor at +said it wor nooan of a bad sooart, tho shoo used to booast at ther wor +niver a chap gate druffen i' her haas, tho ther'd been one or two +brussen. Like monny a widdy beside, at's getten a bit o' brass +together, shoo wor pestered wi' chaps at wanted to hing ther hats up, an +put ther feet o' th' hearthstooan, an' call thersen th' maister o' what +they'd niver helped to haddle. But shoo wornt a waik-minded en, wornt +Molly:--an shoo tell'd em all at th' chap at gate her ud have to have a +willin' hand as well as a warm heart, for shoo'd enuff to do to keep +hersen, withaat workin' her fingers to th' booan for a lump o' lumber +ith' nook. + +Soa one after another they all left off botherin' her except one, an +that wor Jim o' long Joan's, throo Wadsworth, an he seemed detarmined to +get her to change her mind if he could. As sooin as iver shoo oppened +th' shuts in a mornin', he used to laumer in an' call for a quart (that +cost him three-awpence, an used to fit him varry weel woll nooin). +Well, things nother seemed to get farther nor nearer, for a long time, +but one day summat happened at made a change ith' matter. It wor just +abaght th' time at th' new police wor put on, an Slinger wor made into +one. Nah Slinger thowt he ought to be made into a sargent, an he said +"he wor determined to extinguish hissen i' sich a way woll they couldn't +be off promotionin' him, an if they didn't he'd nobscond." Soa th' +furst thing he did wor to goa an ligg information agen owd Molly sellin' +ale baght license. Th' excise chaps sooin had him an two or three moor +off to cop th' owd lass ith' act, for they said, "unless they could see +it thersen they could mak nowt aght." It wor a varry nice day, an' off +they set o' ther eearand. + +Nah it just soa happened at Jim o' long Joans (they used to call him +Jimmy-long for short), wor lukin' aght oth' winder, an' saw em comin'; +ther wor noabody ith' haas drinkin' but hissen, soa emptyin' his quart +daan th' sink, he tell'd Molly to be aware, for ther wor mischief +brewin'; an then he bob'd under th' seat. In abaght a minit three on em +coom in,--not i' ther blue clooas an silver buttons, but i' ther reglar +warty duds. + +"Nah, owd lass," said one, "let's have hauf-a-gallon o' stiff-shackle, +an luk sharp." + +"What do yo want, maister? I think yo've come to th' rang haase; do yo +tak this to be a jerry-hoil; or ha?" said Molly. (They'd ta'en care to +leave Slinger aghtside, cos they knew he'd be owned.) + +"Nay, nah come," they said, "its all reight mun, here's th' brass, +sithee, fotch a soop up, for we're all three as dry as a assmidden." + +"Why, if yo are reight dry," shoo says (an bith' mass they wor, for +they'd been walkin' a bit o' ther best), "ther's lots o' watter ith' pot +under th' table, but be as careful as yo con, for it bides a deal o' +fotchin'--but aw wodn't advise yo to fill yor bellies o' cold watter +when yo're sweatin', its nooan a gooid thing mun. Have yo come fur? Yo +luk as if yo'd been runnin' aght oth' gate o' summut, but aw hope yo've +been i' noa sooart o' mischief: hasumever, sit yo daan an cooil a bit." + +They set em daan, for they wor fessened what to do, an at last one on +em whispered, "aw believe Slinger's been havin' us on, seekin' th' +fiddle, but if he has, we'll repoort him an get him discharged like a +shot." + +"Why," said another, "ha is it he isn't here? Where's he gooan?" + +"He's hid hissen ith' pigcoit just aghtside. Aw expect he'll be ommost +stoled o' waitin' bi this, but let him wait, he desarves it for bringin' +folk o' sich eearands as theease, We'st nobbut get laft at when we get +back, soa what think yo if we goa an say nowt abaght it? He'll nooan +stop long aw'll warrant." + +"Well, nowt but reight," they said; soa biddin' th' owd woman gooid day, +they set off back. When they went aght, Jimmy crope throo under th' +langsettle, an' lukin' at Molly, he said, "Nah, have aw done thi a gooid +turn this time owd craytur?" + +"Tha has, Jim, an aw'm varry mich obleeged to thi, lad," shoo says, "an +tha shall have another quart at my expense." + +"Net yet, thank thi, Molly. Aw havn't done wi this--ther's a bit ov a +spree to be had aght on it yet mun, aw heeard ivery word at they said, +an what does ta think! They've left Slinger ith' pigcoit waitin', an aw +meean to keep him theear for a bit." Soa sayin,' he quietly crept aght, +an went raand to th' back o' th' pigcoit. + +"Slinger! are ta thear?" + +"All reight, lad; have yo fun ought?" + +"Nut yet, but we're just gooin to do; tha munnat stir, whativer tha +does. Its a rare do is this. It'll be th' makin' on us, mun." + +"Does ta think we shall get made into sargents?" axed Slinger. + +"I lad, an corporals too, aw'll be bun; but bowd thi whisht, whatever +tha does--we'll come for thi as sooin as we want thi; does ta think tha +could sup a drop o' summat if tha had it?" + +"Aw wish aw'd chonce, that's all.'" + +"Well, bide thi time, an aw'll send thi some." + +Jim then walked away, an leavin' Slinger screwed up like a dishclaat, he +went into th' haase, and call'd for a quart. + +"Well, what's come o' Slinger?" said Molly. + +"Oh, he's all reight--he's gooin through his degrees to get made into a +sargent or a corporal or some other sort ov a ral, but aw'll bet he'll +wish it wor his funeral afoor aw've done wi' him." + +Jimmy sat comfortably suppin' his stiffshackle an smokin' a bit o' +bacca, an tried by all th' means in his power to wheedle th' owd woman +into his way o' thinkin'. + +"Tha mud do wor nor ha' me mun" he said, "aw'm nut ovver handsome aw +know, but ther's nowt abaght me to flay onybody." + +"Ther'll nubby be freetened o' thee lad, tha need'nt think," shoo says, +"for tha reminds me ov a walkin' cloaas peg--if tha'd been split a bit +heigher up tha'd ha' done for a pair o' cart shafts." + +"Well tha knows beauty's i'th eye o'th beholder," says Jim. + +"They'd be able to put all thy beauty i' ther e'e an see noa war for +it," shoo says. + +"Well, aw'm willin' to work an keep thi a lady as far as th' brass 'll +gaa." + +"What mack ov a lady aw should like to know? Th' same as aw am nah aw +reckon, up to th' elbows i' soap suds. But once for all aw want thi to +understand at aw'm nooan i'th weddin' vein at present." + +"Well tha'rt a hard-hearted woman, that's what tha art--an nooan as +gooid ith' bottom as tha mud be, or else tha'd niver live here chaitin' +th' excise for a livin', astead o' being th' wife ov a daycent chap. Aw +ommost wish aw'd letten them chaps catch thi; it ud nobbut ha sarved thi +reight." + +"Sarved me reight, wod it? Well tha con goa an fotch Slinger aght o' +th' pigcoit (for aw reckon he's thear yet), but ha mich better ar ta, at +sits thear suppin' it? But whether aw'm as gooid as aw should be or +net, aw'm sure tha'rt a gooid-for-nowt, an th' sooiner tha taks thi hook +aght o' this haase an' th' better, for aw've studden thy nonsense woll +aw'm fair staled. Are ta baan? For if tha doesn't tha'll get this +poaker abaght thi heead." + +"Nay! Nay! tha doesn't mean it?" said Jim, jumpin' aght o'th gate, "tha +wodn't hurt me surelee?" + +"Hurt thi! drabbit thi up, tha's spun me to th' length--ger aght o' that +door." + +Jimmy kept backin' aght step by step, an' Molly wor flourishin' th' +poaker, but nother on em saw at th' peggy-tub wor fair i'th gate woll +Jim backed slap into it. Splash went th' watter o' ivery side, an' +Molly skriked, "A'a dear! sarved thi reight, as if tha could'nt see a +whole tub! What are ta splashin' like that for?" + +But poor Jimmy couldn't spaik, for he wor wedged as fast as a thief in a +miln, an' nowt but his legs an' his arms could be seen. Molly catched +howd on his legs an' tried to pool him aght, but th' heigher shoo lifted +his feet an' th' lower sank his heead, soa ther wor noa way to do but to +roll it over an' teem him aght. + +"This beats all," says Molly, as shoo helped him up, "couldn't ta see +it?" + +"Does ta think aw've a e'e i' th' back o' my heead?" he said, "it's all +long o' thee, an' dang it that watters whoot." + +"It's like to be whoot," shoo says, "did ta iver know folk wesh i' cold +watter, tha lumphead?" + +"Well, what shall aw have to do? Aw'm as weet as a sop, to say nowt ov a +blister or two. + +"Tha mun goa thi ways to bed an' throw thi clooas daan th' stairs an, +aw'll see if aw connot dry 'em off for thi." + +Soa up stairs he went an' flang his weet things daan, sayin' at th' same +time, "If tha finds any buttons off tha can suit thisen whether tha puts +'em on or net." + +"Aw've summat else to do nor sew for thee, tha's made we wark enuff," +shoo said. + +It did'nt tak long for Molly to dry th' cloas an' shoo raylee felt +sooary for him after all, soa shoo set too an' stitched him a button or +two on, an' as shoo said, "mensened him up a bit for he wor somebody's +poor lad." + +He wor sooin drest nice an' comfortable agean an' then he thowt it wor +time to goa an' see what had come o' Slinger. + +As sooin as he coom near th' coit he could hear him snoaring away ommost +as laad as a trombone. "Well tha'rt a bonny en" he said "to be paid +aght o'th rates for keeping a sharp luk aght. Aw did think to bring thi +summat to sup but its a pity to disturb thi. Aw'll try another dodge an +see ha' that'll act." + +Away he went an' in a minit or two coom back wi a huggin o' strea, an' +quietly oppenin th' door he shoved it in,--he then walked off mutterin +"tha'll be capp'd when tha wackens owd lad." + +As th' day began to grow shorter a few owd faces began to peep in to see +ha Molly wor gettin on an' to taste ov her drink. When ther'd getten +abaght a hauf a duzzen on em Jim slipped aght an' sammed up all he +could find i'th' shape o' buckets an' had em filled wi watter an' not o' +th' cleanest sooart,--then he lit a wisp o' strea just aghtside o'th' +pighoil door an' waited wall th' smook had begun to curl nicely up:-- +then he darted into th' haase an' bawled aght "Heigh lads! do come,-- +somdy's set th' pighoil o' fire." + +Aght they flew an' sure enuff thear it wor reekin away' like a brick +kiln. + +"Sleck th' inside first," says Jim, an' in a twinklin one pailful after +another wor splashed in. Slinger sooin wacken'd but he wor fast what to +mak on it,--he thowt he must be dreamin ov a storm at sea or summat. + +"Howd on! Howd on!" he yell'd aght "what have yo agate?" + +"Do luk sharp lads," says Jim, "ther's somdy inside they'll be burnt to +th' deeath. Bring some watter some on yo." + +"Ther is noan," they says, "its all done." + +"Why mucky watter 'll sleck as weel as clean, give us howd of a pailful +o' swill. We munnot have th' poor body burnt to th' deeath." + +Just as Slinger was rushin aght o'th' door he gate a reglar dooas 'at +ommost floor'd him. + +"Nah lads, lets stop a bit, says Jim, aw think th' dangers ommost +ovver,--lets see who this chap is. It's happen somdy at wanted to burn +owd Molly aght o' haase an' harbor." + +Slinger brast aght o'th' door like a roarin lion,--but he wor sooin +collard, an' he wor soa bedisend with soft cake an' puttaty pillins at +his own mother could'nt ha owned him. + +"Dooant yo know who aw am," he sputtered aght, "Awm Slinger, yo know +me." + +"Bith mass it is Slinger," said Jim,--"its noabdy else," whativer has ta +been dooin to get into a mess like this? Tha may thank thy stars tha +worn't burnt to th' deeath." + +"Well aw dooant know 'at it means mich whether a chap's burnt or draand, +but awther on 'em befoor being smoord,--did iver ony body see sich a +seet as aw am?" + +"Why tha luks like a sheep heead wi brain sauce tem'd over it, said +one." + +"He needn't carry a scent bottle wi' him, they'll be able to smell him +withaat," said another. + +"Ha shall aw have to get clean," says Slinger. "Aw can't goa hooam this +pictur?" + +"Tha'll have to get sombdy to scrape thi daan, unless tha thinks tha's +getten enuff o'th' scrape tha'rt in already;--but aw think tha'd better +goa hooam to th' wife an' tell her tha's comed." + +"He's noa need to do that, if shoo's ought of a nooas sho'll find it +aght. + +"Well if this is what comes o' being a bobby aw'll drop it, but for +gooidness sake lads, niver split for aw'st niver hear th' last o' this +do." + +At last they persuaded Slinger to goa hooam. What he said to th' wife +or what shoo said to him folk niver knew, but certain it is 'at shoo +went an' left him an' lived wi her mother for aboon a wick at after. + +When he turned aght next mornin to goa see th' superintendent, he luked +like a gate-post 'at's studden in a rookery for six months. He'd to +wait a bit afoor he could see him, but when he did he said "Maister!" +aw've comed to get turned off for awm sick o' this job--no moor +cunstublin for me, aw've had enuff." + +"Why my good man," he said, "what's up? Have yo dropt in for summat yo +dooant like?" + +"Aw have,--an' summat's been dropt onto me at aw dooant like, an aw've +made up my mind to throw up th' drumsticks an' tak to honest hard wark +for a livin." + +"Well young man, yo seem dissatisfied, but yo should remember 'at we're +like soldiers in a war, we're feightin agean things 'at isn't reight, +its nut allus straight forrard, it seems yors has'nt been this time, but +its one o'th chances o' war' at yo mun expect." + +"It may be a chance o' war, but it'll be a chance o' better afoor yo +catch me at it agean, so gooid mornin." + +When he'd getten into th' street he langed to goa up to owd Molly's +agean, but thowts o'th' neet afoor kept him back, and varry weel it wor +soa, for Jim o' Long wor dooin his best to flay th' owd woman woll +shoo'd be glad to have him and shut up th' wisht shop,--an' be shot he +managed, for shoo promised shoo'd wed him in a month, an' shoo wor as +gooid as her word. + +Jimmy settled daan to his cobblin (for he reckoned to do a bit at that +when he did ought), an' he worked away varry weel for a bit, an' Molly +took a pride i'th' garden aghtside an' th' haase inside, an' they were +varry comfortable. But ther wor just an odd booan somewhear abaght Jim +'at did'nt like wark, an' aw think it must 'ha' been a wopper, for it +used to stop all t'other ivery nah and then for two or three days +together. He liked to goa an' sit i'th' beershop opposite, an' have a +pint or two, an' Molly knew it wor her bit o' brass at wor gooin, for +shoo said "he hardly haddled as mich sometimes as he cost i' wax." + +One day he'd been rayther longer nor usual, an' shoo wor just ready for +him. + +"Aw thowt tha used to tell me at it wornt th' ale tha wanted, it wor me; +but na it is'nt me ta wants, it's the ale." + +"Why, woll a chap lives he con alter his mind, connot he?" said Jim. + +"Oh! soa tha's altered thi mind, has ta? Tha's noa need to tell me that, +aw can see it, an' aw've altered mine too, an' aw've a gooid mind to +pail my heead agean th' jawm when aw think on it." + +"Why, lass, it's a pity to spoil a gooid mind, but aw'st advise thi to +tak thi cap off for fear o' crushin it." + +"An' if aw did crush it, whose brass wor it at bought it, aw should like +to know? Tha's taen moor brass across th' rooad this wick nor what ud ha +bought booath a cap an a bonnet, an' tha'rt staring across nah as if tha +langed to be gooin agean. What are ta starin at?" + +"Nay nowt, but aw think ther's a mule i'th' garden," said Jim. + +"He'd hardly getten th' words aght ov his maath, when Molly seizes th' +besom, an' flies aght, saying, "It's just what yo mun expect when folk +come hooam hauf druffen, an' leeav th' gate oppen." + +"Whativer has th' owd craytur up," says Jim. "Shoo surely doesn't think +aw mean ther wor a mule i'th' garden? Aw nobbut meant ther wor a bit ov +a row i'th' hoil; but aw'll niver be trusted if shoo is'nt lukkin under +th' rhubub leaves, as if shoo thowt a mule could get thear, but shoo'll +be war mad at ther isn't one nor what shoo wod ha been if shoo'd fun +hauf a duzzen." + +Molly coom back in a awful temper. "Soa tha thowt tha couldn't do enuff +to aggravate me but tha mun mak a fooil on me?" + +"Why, wornt ther one?" + +"Noa, ther worn't, an' tha knew that." + +"Ther wor summat 'at luk'd as faal as one, daatless, when tha wor +thear." + +"Come, tha's noa room to talk. Aw think aw'm as handsom as thee, ony +end up. Folk may weel wonder what aw could see i' thee, and aw niver +should ha had thee if aw had'nt been varry cloise seeted." + +"Tha'rt booath cloise seeted and cloise fisted, aw think, and if tha wor +cloiser maathed sometimes ther'd be less din." + +"Thear tha goaas agean. Aw've spakken, have aw. Aw'll tell thi what +it is, tha can't bide to be tell'd o' thi faults, but aw'm nooan gooin +to be muzzled to suit thee." + +"Why, lass, it isn't oft tha oppens thi maath for nowt, tha generally +lets summat aght." + +"Well, an' when tha oppens thine, tha generally lets summat in, soa +we're abaght straight." + +"Aw wish we wor, lass, for aw'm stoled o' this bother, an' if ther isn't +a mule i'th' garden nah, ther's summat else, for if that isn't Slinger, +aw wor niver soa capt i' my life. Why, he looks as fat as a pig. Oppen +th' door, an' ax him in, for it's th' first time aw've seen him sin he'd +his heead in a pooltice." + +"Gooid day, Slinger; ha ta gettin on?" + +"Oh, meeterly just. Aw thowt a callin when aw went past afoor, but ther +wor sich a din, aw thowt ther mud be a mule i' th'"-- + +"What does ta say," says Molly. "Has ta come here to taunt me? "Aw've +been tell'd abaght that mule afoor this afternooin." + +"Molly," said Jim, "tha caps me. Doesn't ta know what folk mean when +they say there's a mule i' th' garden? They mean there's a bit of a +dust i' th' hoil, that's all mun." + +"Oh! is that it!" says Molly. "Aw see nah. Yo know aw'm to be excused +if aw dooant understand iverything, for aw'm not mich of a scholard; +ther worn't schooils like there is nah when aw wor a lass; but aw'd a +brother once 'at wor as cliver as onybody--he used to be able to rule +th' planets; but he wor draaned at last, an' aw declare aw've niver been +able to bide th' seet o' watter sin'. Aw believe that wor what made me +start o' brewin." + +"Why yo happen have a sup left, said Slinger?" + +"Ea lad, ther's some i' that pewter sithee--tak howd an sup." + +"Thank thi' "he said, an' here's wishing at ther may niver be a 'mule i' +th' garden' but what 'll be as easy getten shut on as this has been this +afternooin." + +"Gooid lad Slinger! Tha talks like a book. Aw believe if tha'd had a +better bringin up tha'd ha' made a philosipher says Molly." + +"Tha had a fancy once to be a police ossifer hadn't ta said Jim? But aw +think tha's getten that nooation purged aght on thi nah?" + +"Well, aw gate it swill'd aght on me ony way. But aw think some times' +at it towt me a bit o' sense, an' whoiver he is 'at wants to raise +hissen up, by poolin somdy else daan, aw hope he'll get sarved ith' same +way; for when a chap shuts his een to ivery body's interests but his own +he desarves to be dropt on--but if we'd all to strive to lend one +another a hand, things ud go on a deal smoother, an' as nooan on us is +perfect, we ought to try by kindness an' gooid natur an by practisin a +bit o' patience to mak one another's rooad as pleasant as we con, an if +we stuck to that we should find fewer mules i' th' garden." + + * * * * * * * + +"O! an' soa that's th' tale abaght Slinger, is it Ezra?" + +"That's it uncle, its done nah." + +"Its abaght time it wor, an' th' next time tha comes here an' brings a +tale wi' thi mak it hauf as long an' it'll be twice as welcome." + + + + +A Neet at "Widup's Rest." + + +We've mooast on us, at one 'time or another, accidentally dropt amang +company withaat havin ony idea o' spendin mich time wi' em, an' yet +we've kept stoppin an' stoppin, feelin as happy as con be, an' niver +thinkin for a minit what a blowin-up we should get when we landed hooam. +An' aw've mony a time thowt 'at a body enjoys a bit ov a doo o' that +sooart a deal better nor a grand set affair, becoss when a body expects +nowt it's hardly likely he'll be disappointed. Well, it wor one day last +winter 'at aw'd walked monny a weary mile, an' it wor commin dark, when +aw called at "Widdup's Rest," to see if aw could get owt to comfort me +old inside, for aw wor feelin varry wamley. As sooin as th' lonlady saw +me shoo ax'd me to step forrads into another raam, which aw did, an' fan +a few chaps set raand a fire fit to rooast a bull, an' lukkin varry +jolly. As sooin as they saw me they made raam for me at th' hob end, +an' began talkin to me as friendly as if they'd known me all ther life. +Aw sooin began to feel varry mich at hooam wi' em, an' as th' lonlady +browt in some basins o' hot stew 'at shoo wodn't be paid for, (an old +trick to get fowk to spend twice as mich another rooad) an' as another +chap wod pay for all we had to sup an' smook, aw thowt aw mud ha gone +farther an' fared worse. It worn't long befoor some moor coom droppin +in (ha that happens aw dooant know, but aw darsay you'll ha nooaticed it +monny a time yorsen, 'at if ther's owt stirrin 'at's cheap ther's allus +a certain class o' fowk 'at drop in accidentally). + +After a bit, we mustered a varry nice pairty ov abaat a dozen, an' as +iverybody wor tawkin at once we managed to mak a fairish din. But at +last one o'th' chaps proposed 'at we should have a cheerman, an' see if +we couldn't conduct business in a moor sensible manner. Ivery body sed, +"hear, hear!" an' ov cooarse th' chap 'at wor standin sam wor voated in, +which seemed to give him mich satisfaction, an aw couldn't help thinking +'at he worn't th' furst chap 'at had getten put i' sich a position for +his brass an' net his brains. + +After "order" had been called two or three times bi every body i'th' +place, th' cheerman stood up an' sed, "Gentlemen, aw feel varry praad to +okkipy this cheer, an' aw'll do mi best to discharge the duties that +disolves upon me at this important crikus, an' aw think if ony body +wants to order owt they'd better do it at once, soas we shalln't have +ony interruptions." We all shaated, "hear, hear!" agean, an' th' +lonlady wor i'th' raam befoor we'd time to ring th' bell. When we'd all +getten supplied th' cheerman stood up agean, an' knockin th' table wi' a +empty ale bottle, sed, "silence!" + +We ivery one shaated "silence!" an' luk'd daggers at one another for +makkin sich a din, an' then he went on to say, "Gentlemen, as aw'm a +stranger amang yo, ov coorse aw dooant know mich abaat yo, but aw should +be varry mich pleeased if one on yo wod oblige bi singing a song." + +"Nah ther's a chonce for thee, Cocky," sed one. + +"Tha knows aw connot sing," sed Cocky, "aw think Ike ud do better nor +me." + +"Nay, aw can sing nooan," sed Ike, "aw niver sang owt i' mi life but' +Rock-a-boo-babby,' an' it's soa long sin aw've forgetten that, but +ther's old Mosslump thear, happen he'll give us one, we all know he can +sing." "Dooant thee pitch onto me," sed Mosslump, "it'll be time enuf +for thee to start o' orderin when we mak thi into th' cheerman, what +can't yo start wi' Standhen for, we know he can sing?" + +"O, Standhen!" they sed, "we'd forgetten Standhen! He can give us a owd +Tory touch we know." + +Up jumpt th' cheerman, an befoor Standhen had time to spaik he called +aght, "Mr. Standhen! We're all waitin for thy song, an as cheerman o' +this assembly aw expect thee to do what tha con to entertain this +compny, or otherwise aw shall vacate this cheer." + +As all th' glasses wor beginnin to get low, they felt this to be an +appeal to ther inmost sowl, soa they all began, perswadin Standhen, an' +after a deeal to do he promised to try. "Aw know awst braik daan befoor +aw start," he sed. "Nay, tha'll have to start furst," sed one, "but +we'll excuse thi if tha does; if tha tries it'll show willin." After +coughin once an' suppin twice, he shut his e'en an' oppened his maath, +an' this is what coom aght:-- + + Thou grand old Church of England! + Though others raise their voice, + And try to stain thy spotless name, + Thou still shall be my choice; + Just as thou art, I love thee thus, + And freely I confess, + I'd have thee not one jot the more, + Nor yet one tittle less. + + Those who would rob thee of thy rights, + And urge with specious tongue, + That theft by Act of Parliament + Can surely not be wrong. + I'd have them leave thy sheltering wing, + And nevermore to dare + To stand within thy courts of praise, + Or taint thy house of prayer. + + Oh! dear old Church of England, + That points the way to Heaven! + Amid a sad, sad world of sin + The truly, only leaven. + We leave thee to our Father's care, + Who knows thy needs the best, + Convinced that He, by aid of thee, + Will leaven all the rest. + +When he'd finished they all knocked ther glasses on th' table bi way ov +applaudin, which th' lonlady hearin, at once coom in an' ax'd if they +wor "callin?" an' as all wor empty, shoo luk'd varry hard at th' +cheerman, an' he nodded "as befoor," soa shoo gethered up th' empties, +an' called for Liza "to bring in them glasses," which wor at once done, +an' showd a gooid deal o' foreseet on her part i' havin 'em ready. + +When all had getten sarved wi' hot watter, an' given ovver crushin +sugar, th' cheerman announced 'at it wor Mr. Standhen's call, soa up +jumped Standhen, an' said "he couldn't do better nor call owd Mosslump +for a song." Some moor applause followed this, but they didn't knock +th' tables wi' ther glasses this time, becoss they wor too full. +Mosslump stood up, wiped his maath wi' th' corners ov his necktie, +turned up his e'en as if he wor gooin to depart this life i' peace, an' +in a voice, time, an' manner peculiarly his own he sung-- + + Mistress Moore is Johnny's wife, + An' Johnny is a druffen sot; + He spends th' best portion ov his life + I'th beershop wi' a pipe an' pot. + At schooil together John an' me + Set side by side like trusty chums, + An' niver did we disagree + Till furst we met sweet Lizzy Lumbs. + At John shoo smiled, + An' aw wor riled; + Shoo showed shoo loved him moor nor me + Her bonny e'en + Aw've seldom seen + Sin' that sad day shoo slighted me. + + Aw've heeard fowk say shoo has to want, + For Johnny ofttimes gets o'th spree; + He spends his wages in a rant, + An' leeaves his wife to pine or dee. + An' monny a time aw've ligged i' bed, + An' cursed my fate for bein poor, + An' monny a bitter tear aw've shed, + When thinkin ov sweet Mistress Moore. + For shoo's mi life + Is Johnny's wife, + An' tho' to love her isn't reet, + What con aw do, + When all th' neet throo + Aw'm dreeamin ov her e'en soa breet. + + Aw'll goa away an' leeave this spot, + For fear 'at we should iver meet, + For if we did, as sure as shot + Awst throw me daan anent her feet. + Aw know shoo'd think aw wor a fooil, + To love a woman when shoo's wed, + But sin' aw saw her furst at schooil, + It's been a wretched life aw've led. + But th' time has come + To leeave mi hooam, + An' th' sea between us sooin shall roar, + Yet still mi heart + Will niver part + Wi' th' image ov sweet Mistress Moore. + +Long befoor he'd done th' chaps had begun tawkin, some abaat politics an +some abaat Knursticks, an' when he sat daan th' cheerman wor th' only +quiet chap i' th' lot, an' he wor ommost asleep; but Mosslump comforted +hissen wi' whisperin to me 'at classical mewsic wor varry little thowt +on, an' after a sigh, a sup, a shake ov his head, an' another leet for +his pipe, he sat daan evidently detarmined not to be suited wi' owt i' +th' singin way that neet. After th' cheerman had wakken'd up, two or +three called for "Cocky," an' this time he gate up withaat ony excuses, +an' although he did rock backards an' forrads like a clock pendlum th' +wrang end up, yet aw must say he entered life an' soul into what he had +to do, an' in a voice 'at seemed three times too big for the size ov his +carcass he sang-- + + Lord John and John Lord were both born on a day, + But their fortunes were different quite; + Lord John was decked out in most gorgeous array, + As soon as he first saw the light. + But poor Johnny Lord, it's true on my word, + He'd no clothes to step into at all; + He'd no flannel to wrap, he'd no nightgown or cap, + But was rolled in his poor mother's shawl. + Now, it seems very strange, yet it's true what I say + And I hope you're not doubting my word; + And I'll tell what took place in a general way, + With Lord John and with poor Johnny Lord + + The nurse took Lord John, and the doctors stood round, + And examined the child and his clothes; + Whilst a fussy physician, with looks most profound, + Wiped his aristocratical nose. + "It is, I declare, most uncommonly fair, + And its voice, oh! how sweet when it cries; + It really would seem like the child of a dream, + Or an angel just dropt from the skies." + Now, it seems very strange, &c. + + Now, poor Johnny Lord and his mother were laid, + Both fainting and cold on the straw; + No doctors would come there unless they were paid, + Or compelled to be there by the law. + No comforting word heard poor Mistress Lord, + As o'er her babe bending she sat, + And each one who saw it cried with one accord, + "What a little detestable brat." + Now, it seems very strange, &c. + + The two babes became men as the years rolled away. + And Lord John sported carriage and pair, + Whilst poor Johnny Lord working hard for poor pay, + Was content with what fell to his share. + Lord John went to races, to balls and to routs, + And squandered his wealth with the gay, + Till at last came the reaper, and sought them both out, + And took Lord John and John Lord away. + Now, it seems very strange, &c. + + Very soon a grand monument stood o'er Lord John, + To show where the great man was laid, + But over John Lord was no mark and no stone, + It was left as when left by the spade. + But the time yet shall come when John Lord and Lord John + Shall meet in the realms far away, + When the riches and titles of earth are all gone, + Then which will be greatest, friends, say? + Then, though it seems strange, yet it's true what you've heard, + And a lesson throughout it is cast, + Which should comfort the poor working men like John Lord, + For we all shall be equal at last. + +As sooin as he'd finished quaverin on th' last noat but one, ther wor +sich a knockin o' glasses an' thump in o' fists, wol th' lonlady coom in +agean, an' th' cheerman felt it his duty to order "as befoor," which +order th' lonlady worn't long i' executin. "Gooid lad! Cocky!" sed Ike, +"if aw'd a voice like thee aw'd travel! Tawk abaat Sims Reeves! He +niver sang a song like that sin he wor creddled! Nah Maister Cheerman, +keep up th' harmony, we're mendin on it aw'm sure. 'Gow, aw'll have +another pipe o' bacca o' th' heead on it' nay, raylee, aw niver did hear +sich a song," savin which he sat daan an' hid his astonishment behund a +claad o' reek. + +"Well," sed th' cheerman, "as Ike seems soa anxious, aw think he'd +better try an' let's see what he con do." "Hear, hear!" on all sides, +an' two or three pulled him up whether he wod or net, an' after a gooid +deal o' sidelin abaat, he axed if he mud have his cap on, for he could +niver sing withaat cap. "That's to keep th' mewsic throo flyin aght +o'th' top ov his heead," sed one. "Order!" sed th' cheerman, "if Ike +wants his cap on let him have it, may be he'll loise th' air withaat +it." + +Ike luk'd very solid for a minit, an' then he struck a lively tune in a +voice abaat as musical as a saw sharpener. + + Let us have a jolly spree, + An' wi' joy an' harmonie, + Let the merry moments flee, + For mi love's come back. + O, the days did slowly pass, + When aw'd lost mi little lass, + But nah we'll have a glass, + For mi love's come back. + + O, shoo left me in a hig, + An' shoo didn't care a fig, + But nah aw'll donce a jig, + For mi love's come back. + An' aw know though far away, + 'At her heart neer went astray, + An' awst iver bless the day, + For mi love's come back. + + When shoo ax'd me yesterneet + What made mi heart so leet, + Aw says, "why can't ta see it's + 'Coss mi love's come back." + Then aw gave her just a kiss, + An' shoo tuk it noan amiss + An' aw'm feear'd aw'st brust wi' bliss, + For mi love's come back. + + Nah aw'm gooin to buy a ring, + An' a creddle an' a swing, + Ther's noa tellin what may spring, + For mi' love's come back. + O, aw niver thowt befoor + 'At sich joy could be i' stoor, + But nah aw'l grieve noa moor, + For mi love's come back. + +As mud ha been expected, they applauded Ike famously, but th' cheerman +wor hard asleep agean, an' it tuk a gooid shakkin to wakken him, an' +then he didn't seem to be altogether thear, an' as sooin as they left +him aloan he dropt on agean. + +"Aw think th' cheerman's ommost sewed up," sed Ike. "Net he! he's noan +sewed up," sed Mosslump, "it's that song o' thine 'at's sent him to +sleep! who the shames does ta think could keep wakken for sich a song as +that? aw knew tha'd do it as sooin as aw heeard thi begin." "Come, +aw'll sing thee for a quairt any day," sed Ike, "tha fancies coss tha'd +once a uncle 'at could sing a bit, 'at ther's some mewsic born i' thee; +but if aw'd a public haase aw wodn't let thee sing in it for a paand, +for aw'll bet tha'd turn all th' ale saar." "Tha am't worth tawkin to, +Ike, an' as for thee havin a voice, Why! tha arn't fit to hawk cockles +an' mussels." "Well, an if aw did hawk 'em aw'd tak gooid care aw didn't +sell thee ony unless aw gate th' brass befoorhand, soa tha can crack +that nut." "Does ta mean to say 'at aw dooant pay mi way? aw've moor +brass commin in ivery day nor tha can addle in a wick." Aw saw it luk'd +likely for a row brewin, soa aw sed, "nah chaps, we've had a verry nice +evening soa far, an' aw shouldn't like ony unpleasantness, for yo see +th' cheerman's had a drop too much, an' aw think we owt to try to get +him hooam if ony body knows wheear he lives." "Eea!" sed one chap 'at +had been varry quite all th' neet, "aw dooant think he'll pay for owt +ony moor, soa we mud as weel get shut on him." "Ther's Frank standin' +at th' corner," sed another "aw dar say he'll tak him." "Who's Frank, +aw asked." "O, it's a donkey 'at they call Frank," sed Ike, "th' chap +'at bowt him had him kursened Frank i' honor o' Frank Crossley bein made +a member o' parliment." "Varry weel," aw sed, "then let's get him onto +it." One or two came to give a lift, an' wi' a bit o' trouble we gate +him aghtside. Th' donkey wor thear, but as ther wor a gurt milk can o' +each side on it, aw couldn't see exactly ha to put this chap on. "O," +sed Ike, "he'll ride nicely between' em," soa we hoisted him up, an' +gave th' chap 'at belang'd donkey a shilling to see him safe hooam. Off +they went at a jog trot, an' aw fancy if he'd niver known owt abaat th' +can can befoor, 'at he'd have a varry lively noation o' what it meant +befoor he'd gooan two mile daan th' hill. When we'd getten him away, +some o'th chaps went back into th' haase, but aw thowt my wisest plan +wor to steer straight for hooam, which aw did, an' although aw believe +my old woman had prepared a dish o' tongue for mi supper, as aw went +straight to bed an' fell asleep, aw'm net exactly sure whether aw gate +it or net. When aw wakken'd next mornin, aw began thinking abaat th' +neet befoor, an' aw coom to th' conclusion, 'at "Widdop's Rest" might be +all varry weel once in a way, but if a chap had weary booans, he'd be +able to rest a deal better in a comfortable bed at hooam. + + + + +Tinklin' Tom. + + +Some time ago I was accidentally thrown into the im company of a number +of workmen, who were just wondering how to pass the remainder of the +dinner hour agreeably; and, as they were all indulging in the favourite +after dinner pipe, with one exception, it was proposed that this one, +whom they called Amos, should tell them one of his stories. Amos, +nothing loth, and, evidently accustomed to occupy the position of a +story teller, without any apology commenced:-- + +"Nah, aw dooan't think for a minit, 'at yo all knew this tinklin' Tommy, +'at aw'm gooin to tell yo abaght. Nowt o'th' soort! Its net to be +expected! But aw dar say yo've all known a tinklin chap o' some +sooart--one o' them 'ats allus boddin an' doin jobs they niver sarved +ther time to--a sooart o' jack-o'-all-trades, one 'at con turn his hand +to owt ommost. Nah, aw like a chap o' that sooart, if he doesn't carry +things too far: but when he begins to say 'at he con build a haase as +weel as a mason, an' mak a kist o' drawers as weel as a joiner, or +praich a sarmon as weel as th' parson--or playa bazzoon, or spetch a +pair o' clogs better nor ony man breathin--then, aw say, tak care an' +ha' nowt to do wi' him. It isn't i'th' natur ov ony body to be able to +do ivery thing, an' yo 'll oft find 'at them 'at con do all bi ther +tawk, con varry seldom do owt reight. + +This Tinklin Tom, 'at aw knew, lived at Northaaram, an' he'd managed to +mak fowk believe 'at he wor a varry cliver chap, an' whoiver wanted owt +doin they wor sure to send for Tom; an' varry oft he did better nor +like, to say 'at he had to do it aght ov his own heead; an' if iver he +made a mess o' owt, it wor sure to be th' fault o' th' stuff, or else +them 'at held th' leet: it wor niver Tommy's. + +It happened one time 'at Tom had a bit o' spare time ov his hands, soa +he went up to th' aleus to get a pint o' drink, singing as he went, "Ye +lads an' lasses so blithe an' gay, come to the 'Woodlands,' come away." +"Hallo, Tom," said th' landlord, "tha'rt just th' chicken aw wor wantin! +Tha mun gi' us a lift, wi' ta?" + +"A lift! What does ta mean? What is it tha wants liftin? Aw dar say aw +con do mi share, for aw've seen th' time when ther worn't a chap i' +Awrram 'at could lift as mich as me." + +Why, Tom! aw'm capt tha hasn't heeard! Doesn't ta knaw 'at we're goin to +have a grand tea-drinkin up stairs to neet, an' a grand ball ta finish +off wi'?" + +"Noa, ther's niver noabdy tells me owt," says Tom. + +"Well, aw thowt tha knew all abaght it--its to be a furst rate doo; +tickets to be a shillin a piece, an' them 'at taks two con have' em for +one an' ninepence; an' we're gooin to have a peanner, for tha knaws noa +beershop's thowt respectable nah, unless ther's a peanner i' th' chamer +an' an ale pump i'th' bar, soa as aw dooan't want to be behund other +fowk, aw've borrowed one ov a musichener 'at keeps a shop, an' a grand +un it is as iver tha clapt thi een on." + +"What is it made on?" says Tom. + +"Aw dooan't knaw reightly, but aw think its awther mogny or wallmuck--aw +forget whether; but there it is. Luk! Sithee!" he sed, runnin to th' +winder, "come help us to get it in." + +They booath ran aght to help th' lads at bad browt it, to get it off th' +spring cart, an' they varry sooin had it inside. As sooin as Tom an' th' +landlord wor left to thersen, they began to try to get it upstairs; but +they'd a job; they gat it up a step or two, an' thear it stuck. + +"Nah, then!" sed Tom, for he wor at th' top side, "nab then, lift! howd +on! lift! lift! howd on! lift! What th' shames are ta dooin?" + +"Aw'm liftin," sed th' landlord, "what should aw be dooin, thinks ta?" + +"Well, try agean," says Tom, "nah then, lift! lift! Oh-h-h! Howd on! +what the hangmit are ta doin?" + +"What's up?" says th' landlord. + +"Can't ta see, lumpheead! tha's ommost brokken mi fingers ageean that +step!" + +"Tha should keep thi fingers aght o'th' gate, an' then they willn't get +brokken." + +"If tha doesn't mind what tha'rt saying, aw 'll pitch booath thee an' it +to th' botham; an' it will ha' to goa thear yet, for it'll niver come up +this way. They must be fooils 'at mak stuff ta big ta get up th' steps. +Aw once made a mangel 'at aw could tak up steps hauf this width." + +"Well, its net gooin up, that's plain enuff, Tom, soa what mun we do +nah?" + +"We mun get it back, an' try to pull it in 'at th' charner winder, but +we shall want a stee." + +"Oh, we can sooin get that," says th' landlord, "just thee stop an' see +'at noabdy touches it, an' aw'll goa borrow one." + +Off he went, an' wor sooin back wi' th' stee; an' they reared it up +agean th' charner winder an' teed a roap raand th' middle o'th' peanner, +an' wol th' landlord went up th' stairs to pool, Tom stopt daan to put +it on an' shove, an' it began to goa up varry nicely, an' Tom followed +to steady it. When it had getten abaght hauf way, th' stee began to bend +a gooid bit. "Steady fair," says th' landlord, "tha munnot come ony +farther, Tom: if tha does, it'll smash! Aw think awst be able to manage +nah." Soa Tom went back, an' th' landlord kept poolin it up a bit at a +time. As it kept gooin up an' up, it kept gettin a bit moor to one side. +"Ha is it nah, Tom?" + +"Oh, its all serene--th' centre o' gravitum's all reight up to nah," +says Tom. + +Up it went--little an' little--an' ivery time it stirr'd it gat a bit +moor off th' edge, an' just as he'd getten it to th' winder bottom, +ovver it went an' daan it fell wi' a crash an' a buzz, like a volley o' +donce music shot aght ov a cannon, an' aght coom all th' neighbors to +see what wor up. + +An' it did luk a seet, reight enuff. Th' top had flown off, an' one leg +stuck aght one way an tother stuck aght another. It wodn't ha' luk'd +hauf as ill if it had been an owd deal box o' some sooart; but a grand +mogny peanner--it luk'd just awful. Its like a druffen chap 'ats dressed +i' black cloath--he allus luks war nor one 'ats dress'd i' fushten. + +"Well, what's to be done nah?" says th' landlord, when he'd getten daan +ta Tom agean, "tha reckons to knaw a bit o' summat abaght music, doesn't +ta? What mun wi' do wi' this lot?" + +"Well," says Tom, "aw've put a hanel or two on to a box organ an' +polished a flute or two i' mi time, soa aw owt to knaw summat, but aw've +niver had owt to do wi' peanners; but aw dar say if we had it inside, aw +could do a bit o' summat wi' it." + +"We can easy manage that," said th' landlord, "for we can tak it up i' +numbers!" + +In a short time they had it carried up an' put together, but what +bothered Tom wor, all th' strings wor in a lump, for th' wood 'at they +wor screw'd to had brokken lawse an' tumelled into th' bottom. + +"Nah, if we could nobbut get this wood wi' all thease pegs in, an' all +thease wires fesend to it, lifted up into th' reight spot, aw think +ther'd be a chonce o' gettin some mewsic aght on it--soa seize hold an' +lift," said Tom. An' they did lift I for they lifted th' peanner clean +off th' floor. + +"A'a dear! this'll never do," says Tom, "aw niver saw ony body frame wor +i' mi life; we mun ha' somdy to sit on it to hold it daan. Connot th' +mistress spare time, thinks ta? Shoo's a tidy weight. + +"Sally, come here!" shaated aght th' landlord, an' shoo wor up in a +minit. "Nah, we want thee to sit daan o' this article wol we lift." + +"What, sit me daan o'th' kays, does ta mean? Tha doesn't think at aw con +play, does ta lad?" + +"Sit thee daan! says th' landlord, varry cross; tha's noa need to be +feeard o' been blown up--its nooan a wind instrument." + +Shoo set daan, tho' shoo didn't seem mich to like it, an after a gooid +deal o' tuggin an' poolin, th' chaps managed to get it up within abaght +an inch o' whear it had been befoor. + +"Thear!" said Tom, "that begins to luk moor like summat." "Eea, it +does," says th' landlord, "aw shouldn't be daan abaght makin a peanner +after this; but if aw did mak one, aw'd mak one 'at wodn't braik wi' +fallin an odd stoory. Aw dooant think him aw borrowed it on 'll be able +to find owt aght." + +"Well, aw dooant knaw," says Tom, "aw'm th' fastest what to do wi' +thease thingams 'at waggles abaght soa; tha sees they owt to hit thease +wires, but they're all too long someha." + +"Why, doesn't ta think 'at tha could shorten 'em a bit? It luks to me +as if it 'll do if them gets shortened, Sally! get up! Are ta baan to +sit thear all th' day? Go an' borrow yond butcher's saig, an' then Tom +can cut thease foldedols." + +Sally went an' left' em booath starin at th' music box, as shoo called +it, an' when shoo'd gooan th' landlord walked raand it two or three +times, an' then stoppin i' front o' Tom, he said, "Well, Tom, aw allus +thowt 'at tha wor fond o' tinklin at all sooarts o' jobs, but aw didn't +gie thee credit for being able to do owt like this." + +"Why, yo' see, maister, its born i' some fowk,' replied Tom. "Nah when +aw wor a lad aw once made a tin whistle aght ov a brass canel-stick, an' +they could ha' played on it too, but it tuk sich a deal o' wind, but +ther wor a chap 'at used to come to awr haase 'at blew it mony a time." + +"Tha doesn't say soa! A'a, what a thing it is to be born wi' sich a +heead as thine; aw wonder tha doesn't crack thi brain wi' studdyin soa +mich abaght things. Aw've thowt mony a time when aw've heeard fowk tawk +abaght thee 'at its a thaasand pities thi mother hadn't twins." + +"Why," said Tom, "aw think sometimes 'at if aw'd been edicated aw should +happen a capt somdy; but that's Sally's fooit, aw think." + +Sally browt th' saig, an' after a gooid deal o' squarin abaght, Tom said +"Aw think th' best plan 'll be to cut th' lot off to start wi', an' then +we can mak 'em what length we want 'em." + +"Suit thi sen, tha owt to knaw," said th' landlord, an' Tom began to +saig away. He'd getten th' hauf on 'em cut, when up comes th' chap at +they'd borrowed it on. "I understand you've had an accident," he said, +"but I hope its not much worse?" + +"Well, it has getten a bit ov a shake," says Tom, "but aw think we'll be +able to mak it all square agean in a bit." + +"Why, my dear fellow, what are you doing? You are destroying the whole +affair--you are cutting the action!" + +"Action! What action? What does ta mean?" says Tom. + +"Why, you are cutting the working part all to pieces!" + +"Warkin pairt! Aw'm dooin nowt o' th' sooart--its th' playing pairt 'at +aw'm cuttin; but if aw ammot dooin reight, tak th' saig an' lets see ha +tha'll do it." + +"No, indeed--I shall have nothing to do with it--the whole thing is +ruined; and the landlord will have to pay me for it, so I wish you a +very good day." + +Tom an' th' landlord watched him aght o'th' seet, an' for a minit or two +nawther on 'em spake, but 'at th' last th' landlord says, "What's to be +done, Tom? what's to be done?" + +Tom seemed as dumb as th' peanner an' dived his hands into his britches +pockets varry near up to th' elbows. + +"If aw wor yo maister," he said, "aw wodn't bother ony moor wi' this to +day, for ther's a deal o' tinklin wark to be done at it afoor its fit +for mich; aw'd shove it into a corner an' say nowt abaght it for fear it +might stop th' tickets for sellin, an' when fowk have getten ther tea +an' want to donce, ther's sure some music to turn up throo somewhear." + +Th' landlord seemed convinced ther wor some truth i' what he said, soa +they lifted it carefully into a corner an' left it. + +Ther wor a rare sale o' tickets that day, an' when tea time coom they +wor as mony as three sittins daan, but th' pots were noa sooiner sided +nor they began to ax abaght th' mewsic. Tom had set varry still wol he +saw all ready--then standing up wi' his cap i' his hand, he coff'd an' +began, "Ladies an' gents--its a vary unfortunate affair, is this; but yo +see troubles are niver to seek: th' landlord said he'd have a peanner to +neet, an' he's getten one, but its aght o' tune; but rayther nor yo +should be disappointed aw'll whistle a tune for yo misen, an' aw think +ther's two or three moor at '11 be able to help me a bit." + +Withaat moor adoo he struck up a tune: th' lasses giggled an th' lads +luk'd soft; but in a bit one or two gate up, an' began turnin raand, an' +it worn't long afoor they wor all whirlin away like a lot o' scopperils, +an' as happy as happy could be. Tom sooin fun two or three moor to help +him at whistling, an' afoor it wor ovver they all agreed 'at they'd +niver enjoyed thersen hauf as weel at ony ball they'd iver been at +afoor, as they had that neet; but th' best o' friends mun pairt, an' th' +time coom when they mud goa hooam, soa just bith' way ov a wind up, Tom +stood ov a bench an' then made a varry nice soort ov a speech, an' ended +bi sayin "ha sorry he felt for th' landlord: for he'd have a deal o' +brass to pay to mak up for th' accident 'at's happened, an' as they'd +all enjoy'd thersen soa weel, he thowt they wodn't object to mak a +collection ov a trifle to help him, an' he should have mich pleasure i' +gooin raand wi' th' hat." + +After this speech they all began fumlin i' ther pockets an' declaring +they'd do what they could for him; an' when th' hat went raand they +worn't one but what gave summat an' as ther wor twenty-three on 'em, it +coom to eleven-pence-hawpny. Tom handed it ovver to th' landlord, who +thanked' em in a varry neat an affectin way, an' begged on 'em to have a +shillin oth' o' warm ale at his expense, which they had. After that they +separated, thankful to think' at they'd been able to do a trifle towards +helpin a chap aght ov his troubles. + +Th' landlord had to pay for th' peanner at last, an' as they couldn't +mak it play, Tinklin Tom an' a plumber turned it into a ale pump, an' it +stands i'th' bar to this day, an' they say its th' handsomest machine +o'th' sooart i' Northaaram. Th' landlord's studied music a bit sin' +then, an' as sooin as he hears th' kay nooat ov a chap's voice, he can +tell whether to draw him flat ale or sharp ale, as natural as con be. +An' they're gooin to kursen th' haase a "music ale haase;" an soa mony +fowk goa to see it, 'at th' landlord says he "fell i' luck for th' furst +time in his life when th' peanner fell aght o'th' winder." + +"Ha! ha! ha! Well, that's a stunner, Amos! Tha's done that a gooid en, +but yond's th' whew, soa we mun goa an' do another bit for th' maister. +Ha! ha! ha!" + + + + +Th' New Schooil Booard. + + +In a village not very far from where I am now sitting, and in the +principal street, (for it was the only one,) was situated an +old-fashioned hostelry where nightly all the Solomons of the district +used to congregate. The room they occupied was a large kitchen, the +floor of which was scoured and sanded; and all the furniture, which was +immovable, was brushed as white as it was possible to be. Here they held +their political discussions, and showed how Gladstone had missed it, and +clearly demonstrated that had their advice been acted upon, the world +would very soon have become so regenerated that soldiers, sailors, +parliaments, and policemen, would be things altogether useless, and we +should soon be in such a position that pleasure would be the only +business of life. On the night of which I write, the conversation turned +upon the question of School Boards. Old Michael, who was a great +authority on the question of education, owing to his daughter being a +pupil teacher, was at once appealed to for his opinion. + +"Well," he said, "awve net gooan soa deeply into this matter as some +things, but aw should think 'at they'res gooin to be a mistak all th' +way through. If aw understand it reight, iverybody's to be eddicated to +sich a pitch, wol they'll be able to tak a sitiwation awther as a clark +at a bank or a clark at a chapel, an' yo know as weel as aw do 'at +ther's some fowk yo connot eddicate. My dowter has tell'd me monny a +time, 'at ther's a deeal o' fowk 'at's born withaat heeads. Yo may think +it saands strange but aw believe it's true--they've nobbut getten lumps, +an' they're like blind boils, yo may pooltice 'em as long as yo like, +an' yo can niver draw 'em to a heead, an' that bein th' case aw think +'at Forster's made a mess on it. Nah if he'd ha takken my advice, he'd +ha letten it alooan until sich times as fowk had getten sense enuff to +understand things." + +"But Michael," said Dick Dardust, "aw must say at aw dooant agree +exactly wi' all tha says, an' aw connot help thinkin 'at thy dowter may +happen be mistakken abaat fowks' heeads." + +"Nah, if tha'rt gooin to set thisen up as superior to my dowter, ov +coorse aw've done at once. If somdy 'at's spent soa monny year i' +improvin ther intellectul an' morbid sensibleness is to be questioned bi +a ninkumpoop like thee, it's time to drop it." + +"Aw dooant want to set misen up at all, Michael, all aw have to say is +'at th' best on us may be mistakken, an' aw've heeard a chap say, an' yo +may tak his word for it, for he comes throo London, 'at this Schooil +Booard an' this technical eddication is baan to revolutionize this +country." + +"God forbid! 'at we should iver have ony revolution i' this country as +long as aw live," said Simon o' th' Lee, who had been listening, 'for +ther's been blooid enuff shed latly.' + +"Nay," said Michael, "tha doesn't understand what he meeans, he doesn't +meean wars, he meeans 'at things will ha to be turned raand. Nah my +dowter tells me 'at th' world's in a revolution allus, that is, it keeps +turnin raand ov its own axle tree throo morn to neet an' niver stops." + +"A'a Michael,' said Simon, 'aw think thy dowter is tryin to cram thi a +bit; nah did ta iver catch th' world th' wrang side up, for aw niver +did, an' aw've lived a year or two?" + +"Well, awm net able to argify it, all aw know is 'at awm tell'd soa. But +to come back to th' old point, abaat this Schooil Booard, and technical +eddication? nah what do yo call technical eddication? Come, aat wi' it +some o' yo 'at reckon to be soa weel up." + +"Wel," said Dick, "technical eddication is, aw suppooas, summat 'at fowk +leearns to do 'em some gooid, an' if aw understand it reight, it's +summat 'at fowk leearns withaat ony books or owt o' that sooart." + +"Nay," said Simon, "tha'rt wrang this time,--if aw understand it, +technical eddication meeans leearnin th' names o' things sich as stars +an' plants an' joints o' mait, an' iverything o' that sooart; isn't that +it, Michael?" + +"Aw dooant think it is, aw think Dick's nearer th' mark nor thee, for aw +believe it's as he says, yo leearn it withaat ony books; in fact it's +that sooart o' eddication at fowk have 'at niver went to th' schooil, +it's a sooart o' common sense view o' things,--a sooart o' beein able to +invent a way to do owt yo want ommost. Nah, aw'll gie yo a sample o' +what aw call technical eddication. My gronfayther wor booath deeaf an' +dumb an' laim, aw can just recollect him, tho he deed when aw wor a lad; +he wor born deeaf an' dumb but he wornt born laim, that happened after +he gate to be a man. Well, he niver went to th' schooil, but yet he wor +one o' th' mooast genius chaps 'at iver yo met i' yor life; he'd a way +ov his own o' dooin iverything. Aw've heeard mi fayther tell 'at when he +wor a lad, ther wor a family o' five on 'em, an' they all worked at th' +factory, an' as lads will, they sometimes stopt aat soa lat ov a neet +'at they fan it varry hard wark to get up next mornin; an' they had to +be up at five o'clock 'coss they'd a long way to walk. Nah, mi +gronfayther could nawther get up nor call aat, but ha do yo think he +managed to get' 'em aat o' bed? He used to allus keep abaat a barro +looad o' brokken bricks at his bedside, an' th' lads used to know as +sooin as they felt 'em flyin abaat ther heeads 'at it wor time to be +stirrin: one used to be enuff in a general way, but th' second wor sure +to do it, even if he wor a hard sleeper, an' if th' third didn't wakken +him, yo could book him for a tombstooan ony minit. Nah that's what aw +call technical eddication." + +"Well, if throwin bricks at a chaps heead is technical eddication, aw +dooant see 'at we want a Schooil Booard to taich us that," said Jabez, +"for ther's lots 'at can manage that job withaat. Nah awl tell yo what +technical eddication is as yo all seem fast amang it." + +"Well, if tha can lawse us, we desarve putting in a pooak an' shakkin +up," said Michael, low down, but just loud enough to be heard. + +"Aw heeard thi what tha sed Michael, but technical eddication is that +sooart 'at taiches 'em a trade, an aw think its a varry sensible thing, +'an aw for one am i' favor ov a Schooil Board, 'an if we dooant get one +up, ther's sure to be some o' them local board chaps at will, an' aw +consider this to be a varry gooid time to consider th' subject, 'an +depend on it, them 'at start it will have th' best chonce o' being +vooated in members; an' as nooan on us but Michael has ony public +office, aw beg to propooas 'at we form ussen into a quorum an mak +application for a Schooil Booard, an' aw beg also to propooas 'at +Michael is th' cheerman." + +This last proposition was a varry good hit, for he knew that if Michael +had the chance to be chairman, that he would not care a farthing what +the object might be,--and there are a many like Michael in that +particular. + +Michael hum'd and ha'd a few times, but at last he overcame his scruples +and said, "he didn't know but what it wor for th' best, and if it wornt, +if it had to be done they might as weel have th' honor o' doin it as +onybody else." + +They held a meeting, but it would be useless for me to attempt to make +you understand their arguments, for I did not, and I am pretty well +convinced that they were similarly situated; but at last it was +unanimously resolved that they should have a School Board, and Simon +called for pen, ink, and paper to draw up a petition, and he began in a +very promising manner, and proceeded very well until he came to the word +technical, then he scratched his head. + +"What's to do nah?" said Michael. + +"Ha do yo spell technical?" said Simon, "is there a K in it?" + +"Ho eea! ther must be a K in it," said Dick, "let's see, teck, neck, +peck, reck, check, deck, leck;--hi! ther must be a K in it, ther's a K +i' all words o' that sooart." + +"Well, but aw believe ther isn't a K in it for all that," said Simon, +"but whear's ther an old newspaper, we can happen find it mentioned +thear." + +So he got an old paper, and whilst he was running down the columns, the +rest of the members were arranging when they could have th' furst feed +at th' heead o' th' Booard. + +"Nah," he said, "awve fun it." + +"An' ther's a K in it ov coarse," sed Michael. + +"As it happens tha'rt wrang for once," said Simon, "for ther isn't." + +"Then ther owt to be, that's all, but aw dooant put ony faith i' +newspapers, for when aw wor wed, they put in my name Michael withaat a +K." + +"Well, that wor reight enough, ther isnt a K i' Michael." + +"Oh, isnt ther?--varry gooid,--aw know 'at my dowter spells it wi' a K +an' shoo's a pupil taicher, soa shoo owt to know," said Michael. + +"Thy dowter be blowed! tha wants to ram thy dowter daan ivery body's +throit." + +"Do aw?--Awd be looath to ram her daan thy throit anyway, tho it wodnt +be sich a varry hard job, for thi maath's ommost big enuff." + +"If its ony bigger accordingly nor thy nooas awl be smoored; but tha con +tak th' Schooil Board an thi dowter too for what aw care, an' mich gooid +may shoo do thi, for awl niver be under a cheerman at spells Michael wi' +a K. + +"Nah chaps," said Dick Dardust, "dont yo fratch." + +"Simon does reight to fratch," said another, "Michael has noa business +allus to be draggin in his dowter if shoo is a schooil mistress. My +wife's sister-i'-law had a hont 'at wor a schooil mistress, an' aw +dooant keep reapin it up." + +As each of them had had their pints replenished a number of times during +the discussion, the old saying that "when drink's in wit is out," began +to be illustrated; and there was such an uproar in the place that the +landlord was compelled to send for some policemen to assist him in +turning them out, and when they had gone he muttered to himself, as he +picked up the broken pints, "Schooil Booards! its time they'd summat. +What do they want wi' Schooil Booards? Aw niver went to th' schooil an' +luk at me! why aw could sup a 18 gallon to mi own cheek an net mak soa +mich bother." + +Whilst all this had been going on, a few of the quiet and unassuming +people of the village had met at the school room for the purpose of +considering the same subject. The clergyman was in the chair, and as +might be expected, the business was carried on in a very different +manner, and they decided to hold a public meeting, and give all an +opportunity to express their opinions. Judge the dismay of the pot house +Solomons, when they saw the village placarded with announcements on +which the words "School Board," were in very large letters. They at once +set about raising some opposition, for they felt themselves aggrieved. + +Michael and Simon o'th' Lee happened to meet as they were going to work. +"Nah Simon, tha sees what a mess thy stupid wark's getten us into. If +tha hadn't sed ther wornt a K i' technical it ud niver ha' come to +this." + +"If tha hadn't sed 'at ther wor a K i' Michael it would niver ha +happened, an' ther isnt a K i' technical." + +"Well, happen net, but ther is a K i' Michael, becoss my dowter says--" + +"Thy dowter's a fooil! shoo taks after her faither!" said Simon, as he +walked away. + +"Ha ha, ha! Well shoo hasnt lived to thy age withaat leearnin to know at +ther's a K i' Michael," he shouted after him. + +But the public meeting was held, and there was some very strong +opposition, and Michael made a very long speech against School Boards, +for he said that "his dowter wor a pupil taicher, an' shoo sed 'at +Schooil Booards wor nobbut necessary i' them places whear they required +'em, an' he should propooas 'at this meetin wor ov opinion 'at this +question should stand ovver until his dowter wor old enuff to have a +schooil ov her own, an' if shoo couldn't eddicate fowk up to th' mark, +it wod be time enuff to have a Schooil Booard then." + +"Gooid lad, Michael!" said one. + +"Michael wi' a K!" said another. + +"Goa home to thi dowter, an' tell her to give thi brains a soap lather!" +shouted a voice that was verry like unto Simon's. + +There was a good deal of uproar for a time, but the meeting at length +decided by a vote of ten to one in favour of a school board, so the +opposition did no good after all, and Michael's daughter will have to +take her chance. + + + + +Tha Caps me Nah! + + +"Has ta heeard th' news?" + +"Niver a word! What's up?" + +"Old Duke's getten wed." + +"Nay, tha caps me nah! An' who's th' gurt maddlin getten wed to? Awst ha +thowt he'd gettin to old to do that." + +"He's wed Mary o' Nathan's o'th' Sludge Hoil." + +"Well, tha does cap me nah! Why, he's old enuff to be her gronfayther +ommost. A'a dear, A'a dear! Whativer wor shoo thinkin on? But I reckon +shoo mud have a felly o' some sooart; but awd ha waited a bit longer if +awd been her befoor awd ha' taen up wi' old Duke; besides he's a peg +leg." + +"Well shoo may'nt like him ony war for that, an' tha sees it'll save her +a bit o' trouble, for shoo'll nobbut have one booit to black. But shoo's +a trimmer, an' if he doesn't live to rue his bargain, awst be chaited. +Shoo play'd him one o'th' nicest tricks, th' day after they gate wed 'at +awve heeard tell on for a long time." + +"Ha wor that?" + +"Well, tha sees he gate rayther fresh o'th' weddin day, an' he wor varry +dry when he wakken'd next mornin, soa he sed he'd get up an' goa as far +as 'Th' Quiet Corner,' for a leck on; but shoo tell'd him he'd ha to do +nowt o'th' sooart, for it wor ill enough to have a druffen chap at neet +withaat havin one 'at started as sooin as he gate up. But he sed he +should goa, an' shoo said he should'nt, an' they started o' threapin, +but what does shoo do when he worn't lukkin, but shoves his peg leg up +th' flue, an' he sowt it all ovver but couldn't find it?" + +"That wor a cunnin trick onyway, but what sed Duke?" + +"He had to stop at hooam ov cooarse, for shoo wod'nt tell him whear it +wor until he promised net to goa near th' alehouse that day, an it had +getten towards neet when he promised and as shoo'd kept a gooid fire all +th' time it had getten a fairish warmin, and' old Duke noa sooiner gate +it on an' wor walkin abaat a bit, nor it mashed like a pot, an' he fell +his whoallength on to th' floor with his heead i'th' coilskep." + +"Nay, tha does cap me nah! Ther'd be a bonny rumpus awl bet. Did ta +hear?" + +"Aw heeard nowt noa farther, nobbut some ov his chums gate to know, an +soa they made a subscription, an' bowt him another, an' they had it +painted red, white and blue, an' sent it lapt up i' silk paper. Old Duke +wor ommost malancholy when he saw it, but Mary nobbut laft, an started +on an' blackleeaded it, an' in a varry little time he wor set i'th' +'Quiet Corner,' wi as handsome a peg leg as tha'd wish to see. They +chaff him a gooid bit abaat weddin Mary, but he taks it all i' gooid +part, an' they've sent all sooarts o' presents to him. One day last week +they sent him a creddle, an' Mary wor soa mad wol shoo gate th' blocker +an' wor baan to chop it into chips, and wol shoo wor stormin on, a +little lad coom to th' door an' sed, 'please aw've browt a pair o' +specteckels for old Duke to rock th' creddle in.' An' shoo catched him a +drive at side o'th' heead, wol his een fair blazed, an th' specteckels +flew into th' middle o'th' rooad." + +"Well, but it wor hardly reight on her to claat th' lad, coss he knew +nowt abaat it." + +"Why tha sees shoo didn't just think abaat it, but shoo made it all +reight at after an gave him a butter cake, an' old Duke sam'd up th' +specs, an' after saigin th' heead off, he turned th' creddle into a +manger for his donkey." + +"Well, tha caps me! But has ta heeard abaat that barrel o' ale runnin +away throo old Nipsomes tother wick?" + +"Noa, ha wor that? Aw hardly thowt he'd ony ale 'at had strength to run +away." + +"O but he has, for th' last gill awe gate fit three on us, an' we left +some then. But it wor sellable stuff, awve had war:--net mich. But awl +tell thi abaat this barrel. Th' brewery cart wor liverin some, an' tha +knows their ale-cellar door is just at th' top o'th' old hill, an th' +cartdriver let a barrel slip, an' away it roll'd daan th' hill slap +agean th' gas lamp, an' it braik th' pooast i' two, an off it went till +it coom to th' wall at th' bottom, when th' barrel end brast aat an' all +th' ale wor wasted. Soa tha sees ther must ha been some strength in it +if it could braik a iron lamp pooast; an' it wor nobbut common ale." + +"Well th' loss wodn't be soa varry mich after all, they'll get ovver it. +But has ta heeard they're gooin to turn Bill Summerscales' tripe shop +into a limited liability company?" + +"Nay, it's niver true, is it?" + +"Its true enuff, for aw've been tell'd all abaat it bi a chap 'ats had +it throo Bill hissen, but its a saycret tha knows, soa tha munnot tell +onybody; but what does ta think on it?" + +"Well aw hardly know what to think, but it seems to me 'at ther'll be +noa limit to th' limited's in a bit. But what's th' shares to be, has ta +heeard?" + +"Ho e'ea! Ther's to be two hundred shares at a shillin a piece; nineteen +twentieths he's baan to keep for hissen, an' his relations are to have +th' furst chonce o'th' other, so as it'll be as mich a family affair as +possible. Does ta see, that's done soa as if ivery thing doesn't work as +it should, or ther should be ony fallin off i'th' quality o'th' tripe, +they'll keep it quiet for ther own sakes." + +"Well, aw cannot see what iver he's turnin it into a company consarn +for?" + +"Does ta see, he's rayther fast for that stuff fowk buys pigs wi, an' +he's niver been able to pay for yon shuts painting yet, an' tha sees if +theas shares are all taen up, it'll put him into a bit o' ready brass; +an' th' dividend is to be declared once a year, an' th' shareholders can +have ther choice whether they tak it aat i' tripe or trotters; an if th' +first years' profit doesn't run to as mich as'll be a meal a piece, +it'll be carried to a presarve fund, though what presarved tripe 'll be +like aw cant tell." + +"Well, tha caps me nah! Does ta think o' takkin up a share or two?" + +"Aw hardly know yet. If aw tummel ovver as mich on mi way hooam as'll +pay th' deposit, aw happen shall, but net else." + +"Well, they'll net be mich i' my line. Who does ta think aw met to-day? +Try to guess." + +"Net aw marry! Awm noa hand at guessin." + +"It wor Jim Wilkins, don'd up like a gentleman. It licks me whear he +gets his brass; if ther isn't a smash up thear some day awst be capt. +But he ows me nowt." + +"Aw suppose his wife's a varry highty tighty sooart ov a body. Shoo's +been browt up at th' boardin schooil." + +"Why then, shoo'll be a poor dowdy in a haase. It's a queer thing, but +eddication seems to mar as mony as it maks. Aw dooant know what Foster's +bill may do." + +"Is he baan to get wed?" + +"Who?" + +"Bill Foster." + +"Aw ne'er sed owt abaat Bill Foster, aw mean Foster, M. P. for +Bradforth. He's browt in a bill to eddicate fowks childer." + +"Ho has he, aw niver heeard on it." + +"Why tha'rt awfully behund hand." + +"Aw may be i' mi politics, but net i' me payments, an' that's what monny +a thaasand connot say. Aw wonder sometimes ha it wod ha been if +iverybody 'at owed owt had been foorced to put it o'th' census paper. +But what does ta think abaat old Strap puttin daan all his five childer +musicianers?" + +"Nay aw dooant know, but he wor allus a foxy sooart ov a chap an' he'd +have some reason for it. But ha does ta mak it aat 'at they are all +musicians?" + +"Why, ther's two bellringers, two drummers, an' one drum hugger, an they +all play off nooats, an' a varry long way off 'em sometimes. Did ta hear +tell abaat them two lads o' his havin that do i'th' church steeple?" + +"Noa, indeed aw! Let's have it." + +"Well tha knows it happened to be practice neet an' as Ike wor gooin to +th' church he bowt a sheep's pluck an' tuk it wi him, intendin to tak it +hooam an have it cooked for ther supper. He happened to be th' furst 'at +gate into th' bell chamer, soa he hung th' sheep pluck up agean th' +wall, an' then went daan agean, leavin a little lamp burnin i'th' +steeple. He'd hardly getten off th' step when his brother coom, an' +findin th' door oppen he went up; but befoor he gate thear, a gust o' +wind blew aat th' leet an' all wor as dark as pitch. He thowt it wor +varry strange for he knew Ike had come before him, soa he bawled aat +'Ike!' but nobody spaik. 'Aw know tha'rt up here,' he sed, 'soa let's ha +nooan o' thi tricks. Spaik, wi' ta?" but nowt spaik. Sid felt rayther +freetened, but he began to grope all raand th' walls, bein sure his +brother wor thear i'th' dark. All at once his hand coom agean a piece o' +liver, an' it felt soa cold, an' soa mich like a face, 'at he started +back, an' as sooin as he could find th' step, he ran daan as fast as he +could, an' when he gate to th' bottom he luk'd at his hand an' it wor +all blooidy. 'Awr Ike's cut his throit,' he sed, 'Whativer mun aw do?' +An he wor just gooin to yell aat 'Police!' when who should come up but +his brother. Th' seet on him tuk a gurt looard off Sid's mind, but yet +he wor varry freetened. 'What's th' matter, Sid,' sed his brother, 'tha +luks ill; Isn't th' pluck all reight?' 'Th' pluck's gooan,' sed Sid, +shakkin his heead an' puttin his hand on his heart. 'Gooan!--Aw'll niver +goa into that bell-chamer ageean as long as aw live! Aw've allus sed, if +a chap 'll rob another ov his livin, he'll rob him ov his life if he's a +chonce.'" + +"'Well aw wor just thinkin a gooin for th' police,' sed Sid, 'but we +dooant know who it is.' Its one o'th' ringers as sure as we're here.' +'Hi, its one o'th' ringers noa daat, but aw hooap he hasn't a wife an' a +lot o' childer.' 'Well,' sed Ike, 'if he has, an taks it hooam for 'em +to ait, aw hooap it'll chooak th' lot on 'em.' Just as he sed this, all +th' rest o'th' ringers coom up, an' were capt to find Ike an' Sid soa +excited, soa pairt cluthered raand one an' pairt raand tother, an' Sid +tell'd one lot 'at a chap had cut his throit i'th' bell chamer, an' Ike +tell'd tother 'at somdy'd stown his sheep's pluck. 'Well we mun goa an +see,' sed some on 'em, an they gate some leets an away they went up. Ike +wor th' first an' Sid th' last. When they gate into th' chamer, Ike saw +th' pluck hung up just whear he'd left it, an' he turned raand an' saw +Sid peepin off th' corner o'th' door. 'This is one o' thy tricks, Sid,' +sed Ike, but th' words wor hardly aat ov his maath befoor Sid wor on his +knees declaring, 'at he'd niver harmed onybody i' all his life. 'Tha's +noa need to goa onto thi knees abaat it onyway,' sed Ike, 'haiver, hear +it is, soa all's reight, tha con hug it up hooam for me; an' he gave it +him. Sid wor soa taen, wol he put up his hands to mak sure 'at he worn't +asleep; an' th' chaps 'at he'd been tellin his tale to, began to smell a +rat, an' at last it wor all explained, an' niver mind if ther worn't +some laffin an' chaffin. Poor Sid gets plagued abaat it yet, for ommost +ivery body's getten to know, an' if onnybody, livin abaat that church, +wants a sheep's heead an' a pluck, they order th' butcher to send 'em a +New-Taan Boggard." + +"Well tha caps me nah!" + +"Gooid neet.--Awr Mally 'll think aw'm niver comin." + +"Gooid neet.--But is it true?" + +"True!--It's just as true as all sich like." + +"A'a, well,--tha caps me nah!" + + + + +Nay Fer Sewer! + + +Nay fer sewer!" sed Betty Longtongue, as Sally Jibjab had finished +tellin her 'at one o' th' neighbor's husband's had getten turned off. +"Well, awm capt he didn't get seck'd long sin, for they tell me he wor +niver liked amang th' work fowk, an' awm sure aw've seen him go in to +his wark monny a time a full clock haar after awr lot's had to be thear. +But aw thawt he'd find his level at last, an' awm net oft mistakken, far +aw can see a hoil in a stee as weel as th' maaast." + +"Why but it has'nt been owt abaat his wark 'at he's been seck'd for, but +him an' two or three moor have been playin a trick o' Jane Sucksmith's +husband, an' its getten to th' maister's ears, an' soa they seck'd him +thear an' then." + +"Nay fer sewer! whatever will ta say! Why what has he been dooin? Same +mak o' pousement aw'll be bun for't." + +"Well, aw can nobbut tell th' tale as it wor tell'd to me tha knows; but +her 'at tell'd me, had it tell'd bi somdy 'at had heeard it throo one +'at owt to know, soa its true enuff. It seems old Sucksmith had been +drinkin tother day, an' he must ha getten moor nor he could carry, an' +tha knows as weel as me 'at he can sup moor nor what ud mak some fowk +druffen, an' walk as steady as if he'd swallow'd a church, steeple an' +all; an' he ligg'd him daan o' some sheets o' wool 'at wor bi th' rooad +side, an' as Musty wor goain past he saw him, an' soa he thowt he'd have +a marlock, an' he went an' fun up some ov his chums an' they gate sooit +an' daub'd his face wol he luk'd war nor old Scrat hissen." + +"Nay fer sewer! Why they mud easily do that aw believe, for he's nooan a +gooid favvor'd chap at th' best hand." + +"Noa he isn't, but they worn't content wi' that but Musty went an' gate +some sooart o' paader 'at they use to dye red worset an' sich like stuff +wi', an he tuk off his cap an' sprinkled it all amang his toppin, an +then they left him, an' in a bit he wakken'd up, for all th' childer ith +district wor gethered raand him, starin at him. Just then Musty, 'at had +been waiting abaat, reckoned to come past in a great hurry, an' as sooin +as he saw Sucksmith, he set up a gurt shaat o' laffin, an says, +"Whativer has ta been doain, aw niver saw sich a freet i' mi life." +Sucksmith wor reight gaumless for a while, but he says, "What is ther to +laff at? Did ta niver see me befoor thinks ta?" "Well aw niver saw thi +luk like that affoar onnyway. Whoiver is it 'at's been playin thee this +trick?" + +"What trick does ta meean?" he sed. + +"Why doesn't ta know at thi face is all daubed wi sooit?" + +Sucksmith put up his hand to feel, an' when he saw his fingers all +grimed, he sed, "Aw wish aw knew who'd done this, Musty; awd be straight +wi' him, an sooin too. To think 'at a chap connot fall asleep in a +Kristine country withaat havin his face painted war nor a paysayger, but +awst find it aght someday." + +"Well, aw think its th' best plan to goa wi' me to th' "Blue Dunnock," +sed Musty, an' gie thisen a gooid wesh." + +Soa they went an' all Musty's mates wor set waitin in another raam. + +Th' landlady wor varry gooid i' findin him some sooap an' watter, o'th' +sinkstooan, an' he started to give hissen a reight gooid swill, an as +sooin as th' watter gate to this stuff 'at they'd put ov his heead, it +began to roll daan th' color o' blooid, an' as sooin as he oppen'd his +e'en he saw it, an' he thowt at first it must be his nooas 'at wor +bleedin, an' as th' landlady worn't abaat, he blew his nooase oth towel +to see, but it worn't, then he put up his hand to his heead an' thear it +wor sure enuff. He ommost fell sick when he saw it, an' he called for +Musty as laad as he could, to see what wor to do. "Whativer's th' matter +wi me thinks ta, Musty? Just Iuk, awm bleedin like a pig." + +"A'a, dear, A'a dear! Why tha must ha brokken a blooid vessel." + +"Aw think awve brokken two or three," sed Sucksmith "but what mun aw +do?" + +"Sewse thi heead wi cold watter; ther's nowt stops bleedin like cold +watter. Why, if tha gooas on tha'll bleed to th' deeath." + +"Aw begin to feel faint already," sed Sucksmith, as he started o' +throwin moor watter on his heead; but th' moor he put on an' th' moor +blooid seemed to come, an' he sed, "Oh, dear! aw believe awm done for +this time, Musty; doesn't ta think tha'd better send for a doctor?" + +When he lifted up his heead, Musty wor foorced to turn away for a minit +to get a straight face, for Sucksmith's wor dyed th' color ov a raw beef +steak, an' his heead luk'd like one o' them red door mats 'at tha's +seen. But Musty advised him to goa on wi' th' watter, an' he did, an' in +a while it begun to have less colour in it, an' Sucksmith's mind began +to feel a bit easier. + +"Aw think its ommost gien ovver nah," he sed, but luk at mi hands! why +they're like a piece o' scarlet cloath." + +"Eea, an thi face is th' same; tha luks to me as if tha'd getten th' +scarlet-fayvor, an' awm sure ther's summat nooan reight wi' thi; but +wipe thisen an' come into tother hoil, ther's some o' thi mates thear, +an' we'll see what they say." + +Sucksmith did as he wor tell'd, an' went into tother raam with Musty, +but ther wor sich a crack o' laffin as sooin as he showed his heead, wol +they mud ha fell'd him wi' a bean. "Nah lads," sed Musty, "yo shouldn't +laff at a chap's misfortunes, an' awm sure ther's Summat matter wi awr +friend Sucksmith, aw tell him it must be th' scarlet fayvor.' + +"Well aw niver saw sich a heead i' mi life," sed another, "but its nooan +th' scarlet fayvor; my belief is its th' cattle plague, an if it is, +an' th' police gets to know they'll have him shot, bi th' heart will +they, for they've orders to destroy ivery livin thing 'at shows ony +signs o' havin it. But whear has ta been to get it thinks ta?" + +"Nay, awve been nowhere 'at aw know on," sed Sucksmith, "aw felt all +reight a bit sin, an' aw ligg'd daan o' some sheets o' wool an' fell +asleep, an' aw niver knew aw ail'd owt wol aw coom in here to wesh me." + +"Why then it will be th' cattle plague, its nowt else, ther's a deal o' +sheep had it lately; an' varry likely that's some o' ther wool 'at tha's +been sleepin on. But ha does ta feel?" + +"Oh, aw feel varry mich alike all ovver,--awm feeared its up we me +ommost, an' this has come for a warnin, for aw havn't behaved misen +reight latly. But if awm spared to get ovver this awl alter." + +"Why tha luks as if tha'd awther getten a warnin or a warmin, bith color +o' thi face," sed one, "but aw think tha'd do wi' a glass o' summat to +cooil thi daan a bit,--a red Indian's a fooil to thi." + +"It must be summat serious," sed another, "are ta th' same color all +ovver?" + +"Aw dooant know awm sure, an'. aw havn't strength to luk," he sed. + +But one o'th' chaps roll'd up his briches slop to see; "Nay, thi leg is +all reight." "Well," sed Musty, "tha knows it may be soa, for we've +heeard tell o' th' fooit and maath desease, an' this may be th' heead +an' hand complaint. But what do yo think it'll be th' best for him to +do?" + +"I shuild advise him to goa hooam at once, but if ony body should see +him they'll varry likely tak him for a literary chap becoss he's so +deeply red." "Well, whether they tak him for a little-hairy chap or +net, he'll pass for a red hairy chap an' noa mistak," sed Hiram. + +But Sucksmith fancied he felt soa waik wol he didn't think he'd be able +to walk hooam, soa after all biddin him "gooid bye," for fear they mud +niver see him agean an one chap axin him to be sure an' tell his first +wife if he met her up aboon, 'at he'd getten wed to her sister, they +sent him hooam in a cab. + +"Nay fer sewer! Whativer wi ta say? An' whativer did their Margit say +when shoo saw him? He must ha luk'd a pictur." + +"Nay, aw dooant know what shoo sed, but ther wor a rare racket ith' hoil +awl a-warrant thi. But th' gurt softheead stuck in it, 'at he wor +poorly, an' as shoo saw he wornt sober shoo humoured him wi lettin him +goa to bed. Next mornin he'd come to his senses a bit, soa shoo let him +have sich a bit o' tongue as he hadn't had latly, for tha knows shoo's a +glaid when shoo starts, for if awd to say quarter as mich to my felly as +shoo says to him sometimes, he'd niver darken th' door agean. He began +to see what a fooil they'd been makkin on him, an' he gate up intendin +to goa to his wark, but when he saw hissen ith' seamin glass, he +couldn't fashion, an' soa he began o' weshin hissen first i' cold watter +an' then i' hot; but it wor what they call a fast color, an' he couldn't +get it to stir do what he wod. + +"What mun aw do, Margit?" he sed, when he'd swill'd his heead wi' hot +watter wol it wor hauf boiled; "th' moor aw wesh it an' th' breeter it +seems to get. If iver aw get all reight agean ther's somdy'll want a new +suit o' clooas, but it'll be a wooden en." + +"Hold thi noise, lumpheead," shoo sed, "an' get thi braikfast an awl see +if aw connot do summat for thi. Aw expect it'll have to be scaar'd off." + +Soa after th' braikfast shoo made him ligg daan o' th' hearthstooan, an' +shoo gate some wire scale an' started o' scrubbin one side ov his head, +as if shoo'd been polishin th' fender; but he couldn't stand that, an' +he laup'd up, an' donced up an' daan th' hoil, sayin all sooarts o' +awkward things. + +"What the dickens are ta thinkin on," he sed, "does ta fancy awm made o' +cast-iron?" + +"Aw dooan't know what tha'rt made on, but aw know tha artn't made o'th' +reight sooart o' stuff for a fayther ov a family to be made on; but if +tha connot get it off thisen, an' tha weant let me, tha'll be forced to +stop as tha art, that's all." An' away shoo flew aat o' th' haase and +left him. + +"Nay fer sewer! An' whativer did he do?" + +Well, he set daan and studied a bit, then he sent for a doctor, net +becoss he felt poorly, but becoss he wanted to know what to do to get it +off. Soa th' doctor coom, an' they say he couldn't spaik for iver soa +long, for laffin at him; an' he tell'd him he'd be monny a week befoor +he gate reight, an' it wod have to wear off by degrees; but his hair, he +sed, wod niver be reight, soa he mud as weel have it shaved off sooin as +lat. Soa he sent for Timmy, th' barber, an' had it done, an' when his +wife coom back, thear he wor set, lukkin for all th' world like a lot o' +old clooas wi' a ball o' red seealin wax stuck at th' top; an' thear he +is i'th' haase nah, whear he'll ha to stop wol his hair grows agean. + +"Nay fer sewer! An does he niver goa aat?" + +"Niver,--he did goa to th' door one day when Hiram's little lass went to +borrow th' looaf tins, but shoo wor soa freetened, wol shoo ran hooam, +an' her mother says shoo believes shoo's gooin to have soor een; mun, +he's flaysome to luk at, an' th' child has niver been like hersen sin, +an' shoo connot sleep ov a neet for dreamin abaat it." + +"Nay fer sewer! An what says Musty?" + +"Awve niver heeard what he's sed sin he lost his shop, but Sucksmith +says he's noan gooin to let it rest, for he'll send 'em some law if it +costs him a paand--An' Musty says he doesn't care ha sooin for he wod be +sure ov a bit o' summat to ait if he wor sent daan th' rails--but aw +think it'll get made up agean. But awve left yond child ith' creddle bi +hersen, soa aw mun be off." Away shoo went an' Sally watched her aat +o'th seet, an' then sank into a cheer, roll'd up her arms in her appron, +stared into th' fire, an' sed, "Nay fer sewer! Well ov all!--Nay fer +sewer!" + + + + +Th' Battle o' Tawkin. + + +"Tha'rt a liar if iver ther wor one! An' that's a hard thing to say, but +aw wodn't hang a cat o' thi word! It's as sure yor Alick 'at's brokken +awr winder, as awm standin here, an' tha knows it too!" + +"Aw say it isn't awr Alick, for he's niver been aat 'oth' haase this +blessed day! Tha's awther brokken it thisen or' else one o' thi own's +done it,--an' they are a lot 'oth' warst little imps 'at iver lived; an' +if aw mud ha' mi mind on 'em, awd thresh' em to within an inch o' ther +lives! But yo can expect nowt noa better when yo know what a bringin up +they've had." + +"They've had a different bringin up to what ony o' thine's likely to +have, but whativer comes o' ther bringin up, yo'll have to pay for that +winder, for it isn't th' first he's brokken, an' if yo dooant, next time +I catch him, awl have it aat ov his booans.' + +"Let me catch thee ligging a finger o' one o' mine, an' awl mak this +fold too little for thee, an' sharply too; ha can ta fashion! A gurt +strappin woman like thee, to mell ov a child? Tha owt to be 'shamed o' +thi face! But tha has noa shame an' niver had." + +"Well if tha's ony its nobbut latly come to thi! Awve too much shame to +come hooam druffen of a neet after th' neighbors has getten to bed." + +"Whoas come hooam druffen? Does ta mean to say 'at aw wor iver druffen? +Aw'll mak thee prove thi words if ther's a law 'ith land 'at can do it! +Aw'll let thee see 'at my keracter is as gooid as onybody's, an' a deal +better nor sich as thine." + +"Aw niver sed who it wor 'at coom hooam druffen, but aw dar say tha can +guess." + +"If its onnybody its thisen! gurt brussen thing 'at tha art! Who is it +'at sends ther poor husband to his wark wi' a sup o' teah an' dry cake, +an' then cooks a beefsteak to ther own breakfast? Can ta tell me that?" + +"If aw connot, tha can, an' that isn't all;--can ta tell me who it is +'at invites th' neighbors to rum and teah 'ith' after nooin, when they +know th' husband's gooin to work ovver? Can ta tell me that?" + +"Well, if ther's been onny rum an' teah stirrin, tha's allus takken +gooid care to have thi share on it, but they've allus been wimmen 'ats' +come to awr haase when th' maister's been aat, that's one blessin." + +"Does ta meean to say 'at ther's onny fellies been to awr haase when th' +husband's been off? Tha'd better mind what tha says or else that cap o' +thine ul suffer!" + +"Aw dooant say onny fellies has been;--tha should know th' best, but awm +nawther blind nor gaumless. But aw'll tell th' what tha art;--Tha'rt a +nasty, ill contrived gooid-for-nowt, an' all th' neighbors say soa, an' +they wish to gooidness tha'd flit, an' all at belangs to thi, for ther's +niver onny peace whear tha ar't." + +"Noa, an' ther niver will be onny peace wol tha pays for yond winder! +Does ta think fowk's nowt else to do wi' ther brass, but to put in +winders for yor Alick to mash?" + +"Aw tell thi he hasn't mash'd it, for he's niver cross'd th' doorstun +sin he gate up. Th' fact is he's niver getten up yet, for he isn't at +hooam, for he's aboon twenty miles off, at his gronmothers." + +"Dooant tell me that! Ther's awr Vaynus comin, he knows who mash'd it. +Vaynus! Who wor it 'at mash'd yond winder? Nah tell a lie at thi +peril,--did ta see it brokken?" + +"Eea, aw saw Topsy jump up at th' birdcage, an' it missed it click an' +tumbled throo th' winder." + +"A'a I drabbit that cat! Aw'll as sure screw its neck raand as awm +livin!" + +"Nah tha sees, aw tell'd thi it worn't awr Aleck!" + +"Noa, it couldn't ha been! Are ta sure tha saw yond cat do it, Vaynus?" + +"Eea awm sure aw saw it." + +"Why then it wornt yor Alick! An aw hardly thowt it wor, for he's abaat +as quiet a lad an' as daycent a one as ther is abaat here. Aw oft tell +awrs to tak a lesson throo him." + +"Ther's noa better lad iver breathed nor awr Alick;--aw dooant say'at +he's better nor onnybody's else, but he's as gooid. An' awm sure tha's a +lot ov as fine childer as onnybody need set e'en on, an' if they are a +bit wild, what can yo expect when ther's soa monny on 'em. But aw mun +get these clooas dried wol ther's a bit o' druft. Wi' ta leean me that +clooas prop o' thine agean?" + +"Vaynus! What are ta dooin? Goa fetch that prop this minit, an' see 'at +tha allus brings it when tha sees her weshin, withaat lettin her allus +have to ax for it." + +"Well, awm soa glad it worn't awr Alick 'at mashed that winder." + +"Soa am aw, awd rayther it had been one o' mi own bi th' hauf. What time +does ta think tha'll ha done weshin?" + +"Abaat four o'clock if awm lucky." + +"Well, wi ta step across an' have a cup o' teah wi us?" + +"Eea, aw dooant mind if aw do." + + + + +"Owd Tommy." + +(A Yorkshire Sketch.) + + +Of all the seasons of the year,--that portion when winter treads upon +the skirts of the retiring autumn, always seems to me to be most deeply +fraught with sorrowful associations. A few short weeks before, one has +beheld the year in stately pride, loaded with blessings, and adorned in +nature's most luxurious garb, waters in silvery streams have lightly +leaped and bounded in the shadow of the waving ferns,--and little +flowers have nodded on the brink and peered into the crystal depths, as +though in love with their reflected loveliness;--the little hills have +decked their verdant breasts with floral gems, and the frowning crags +have seemed to smile, and from their time-worn crevices have thrust some +wandering weed, whose emerald tints have lent a soothing softness to the +hard outline of their rugged fronts. The feathered songsters on untiring +wing, have flitted in the sunny sky, pouring forth melodious sounds in +thankfulness and joy, as though their little hearts were filled too full +of happiness and overflowed in drops of harmony. + +Light fleecy cloud's like floating heaps of down have sailed along the +azure sky, casting their changing shadows on the earth, whilst sighing +winds have whispered soothing songs amongst the rustling leaves, and +ripened fruits have hung in tempting show their sun-burnt fronts, +courting the thirsty lip, to tell us in their silent eloquence that the +year has gained its prime. + +Even when the ice-king reigns, and howlling storms drive with remorseless +fury o'er the plains, or wreck their vengeance on the sturdy +woods,--roaring amongst the pliant branches, and entwining around the +knarled trunks, uprooting some as though in sport to show its giant +strength. And the cascade which formerly leaped forth from sylvan nooks +where the wild flowers half hid its source, and bathed themselves in the +ascending mist,--now roaring down in sullied swollen force, bearing +along the wrecks of summer beauties,--tumbling and hissing through its +frost bordered bed,--growling in foaming rage around the rocks which +here and there protrude their sullen face to check its mad career;--even +this has much of majesty and beauty, and claims our admiration. But when +some glories of the autumn yet remain, and e'er stern winter has usurped +the sway,--one wide-wide field of death and desolation is all that's +left for man to ponder over;--fading flowers, trembling and shrinking in +the raw cold blast;--half naked trees, that day by day present a more +weird aspect--fields still green, but stripped of every gem;--whilst +still some russet warbler may be heard chirping in sorrow and distress, +and heavy looking clouds anxious to screen the cheering ray, which now +and then bursts forth with sickly smile, that seems like ill-timed mirth +amongst the dead. + +On such a time as this, and in the early Sabbath morning, might be seen +a stalwart farmer strolling o'er the hills which command a view of the +little but interesting village of Luddenden. + +I do not think that the dreary look of decaying beauties had much effect +upon him,--the pale blue smoke that issued from his mouth, in measured +time, seemed to afford him every consolation. He evidently saw some one +approaching in whom he was interested. Having satisfied himself that he +was not mistaken, he began talking aloud:-- + +"Oi! that's him sure enough; nah whativer can owd Tommy want laumering +over thease hills at this time o'th' morning? He's a queer chap, takkin +him all i' all; an' still if ought should happen him aw doant know where +they'd find his marrow; he's been th' same owd Tommy iver sin aw wor a +lad, an' aw'm noa chicken nah--he said--stroking a few grey hairs, +which, like a tuft of frosted grass, adorned his ruddy cheeks. Aw sud +think he's saved a bit o' brass bi this time, for he wor allus a nipper; +but he wor allus honest, an' it isn't ivery man yo meet i'th world 'at's +honest; but aw doant think Tommy ud wrang ony body aght o'th' vally o' +that;"--saying which, he snapped his finger and thumb together to denote +its worthlessness. + +A few minutes more and Tommy might be plainly seen slowly ascending the +somewhat rugged road toward the spot where stood the farmer leaning +against the wall awaiting him. I could not better occupy the time that +intervenes than endeavour to picture the approaching traveller. His age +I would not dare to guess, he might be 60, or he might be 90. He was a +short thick-set man, and rather bent, but evidently more from habit than +from weight of years. He wore a long blue coat which plainly spoke of +years gone by, and bore in many places unmistakable evidence that Tommy +was no friend to tailors; beneath this an old crimson plush waistcoat, +that had long since done its duty, some drab knee-breeches, and a pair +of dark grey stockings which hid their lower extremities in a pair of +shoes about large enough to make two leather cradles; on his head a hat +that scorned to shine, and in his hand he carried an oaken staff; his +small grey eyes glistened with a spark of latent wit, whilst on his face +was stamped in unequivocal characters some quaint originality. + +"Gooid morning, Tommy," said the farmer. + +"Gooid morning Dick," replied Tommy, "it's a nice day ower th' head but +fearful heavy under th' fooit." + +"You're reight," said Dick, "but where are yo trapesing to this +morning?" + +"Waw, aw'm gooin as far as Dick's o' Tom's at th' Durham, to get my tooa +nails cut," said Tommy. + +"Well, yo'll happen bait a bit and ha a wiff o' bacca wi' me, for its a +long time sin aw saw yo afoor," said Dick. + +"Waw, aw dooant mind if aw have a rick or two, but aw munnot stop long, +for it luks rayther owercussen up i'th' element; but ha's that lad o' +thine getting on sin he wed quiet Hannah lass? Aw've wondered sometimes +if he wod'nt rue his bargain,--is shoo as fat as sho wor?" + +"Eea, shoo keeps i' varry gooid order, shoo puts her mait into a better +skin nor th' mooast; they didn't hit it soa well at th' furst, for shoo +wor varry waspish, an' tha knows awr Joa's as queer as Dick's hatband, +when he's put aght a bit. One morning, abaght a wick after they wor wed, +Joa woran't varry weel, an' had to ligg i' bed a bit,--shoo gate up to +muck th' beeas,--(for shoo can do a job like that, tha knows, when +shoo's a mind.)" + +"Eea! eea!" said Tommy, "noabody better,--shoo's a pair o' gooid +end,--shoo's nooan afeared o' dipping her finger i' water, nut shoo." + +"Well, aw tell thi, shoo gate up, an' in a while shoo call'd aght 'at +his porridge wor ready when he liked to come daan, an' then shoo went +aght. Soa in a bit, he gate up, an' th' pan wor stood o' th' rib +flopping away rarely. Well, he gate a plate, an' thowt he'd tern' em +aght to cooil, when asteead o' porrige, aght come th' dish claat slap on +to his fooit;--talk abaght single step doncing!--tha should just ha seen +him; he ommost lauped clean ower th' breead flaik;--an' thear shoo stood +grinning at him throo th' winder, an' he wor soa mad--he wuthered th' +pan fair at her head;--he miss'd his aim an' knock'd th' canary cage to +smithereens, th' cat gate th' burd, an' th' pan fell into th' churn. +Nah, what wod ta think ov a thing like that?" + +"Waw, its just loike one ov her tricks;-tha knows shoo wor allus a +trimmer o' one, Dick." + +"Shoo wor, Tommy, an shoo allus will be to her deeing day. It put awr +Joa into a awful passhian, but shoo didn't care a pin, shoo said shoo'd +lived too long near a wood' to be fear'd ov a hullet,--but they're as +reight as Dick and Liddy nah. Aw'll tell thi ha that happens. Tha knows, +awr Joa allus thowt a deeal ov his mother, an he wanted th' wife to do +i'th' same way; an one morning shoo' wor neighding th' dooaf, when Joa +says, 'Mally', that isn't th' way to neighd, my mother allus 'used to do +soa;'--an' he wor baan to show' haa; Shoo made noa mooar to do, but +lauped into th' middle o'th' bowl wi' her clogs on, an' started o' +traiding it wi' her feet, an' shoo says, 'does thi mother do soa?' After +that, he let her have it mooastly to her own way, an' they seem to get +on varry weel amang it nah--an' if he keeps steady they're putting it +together nicely. An' what have yo fresh, Tommy?" + +"Nay, nowt 'at means ought aw think, Dick--but aw'd like to been +pooisened t'other wick, but as luck let, aw wor noa war." + +"Pooisened! Tommy, nay, surelee nut." + +"Yos, but aw had--tha sees aw live at th' Ee'Gurnard, an' aw'd just been +into th' mistal wi' young maister William, an' he'd been holding th' +canel for me whol aw siled th' milk, an' he wor full ov his marlocks an' +bluzzed th' canel up mi nooas an' put it aght,--he's a shocker." + +"Waw, Tommy, yo wodn't be pooisened wi' a canel, aw'll niver believe?" + +"Noa, but as aw wor telling thi, aw'd been i'th' mistal, an' aw went +into th' kitchen for a bit o' summat to ait. Aw saw some fat o'th' ooven +top in a pot, soa aw gate some breead an' ait it up. Aw thowt it wor +fearful gooid an' savored summat aw'd niver had afoor; but just when +aw'd finished it, one o'th' young mistresses come daan an' axed me what +aw'd done wi' what wor i'th' pot? Soa aw tell'd her aw'd etten it. Etten +it!!' shoo skriked. 'Etten it!! Why,' shoo says, 'yo'll be pooisened, +Tommy, its pumatum!' Well, aw says, 'pumatum or net, aw've etten +it,'--an' away shoo ran an' browt th' maister an' th' mistress, an' all +t'other fowk i'th' haase, an' rarely they laffed tha minds; but maister +made me a glass o' rum to settle it, an' aw felt noa mooar on it." + +"Well," said Dick, "tha mayn't feel it nah, but aw shouldn't be capped +if thi inside wor to grow full o' ringlets." + +"Niver heed that, they'll keep mi belly warm," said Tommy, "but th' +bacca's done, soa aw mun be making mi way shorter. Gooid day, Dick." + +"Gooid day, Tommy. Aw hope tha'll have a fine day for thi walk." + +"Eea, eea, aw hope aw shall, but if it rains aw sholl'n't melt." + +"Nooah, but its rayther coolish." + +"It'll be warmer as it gets ooater, Dick. Gooid day." + +And thus the two friends parted; each smiling at the quaint humor of the +other;--the one to climb seven miles of rough and heavy road to get his +toe nails cut, and the other to pay an early visit to his son, and rest +his limbs, which by six days of willing toil had earned a Sabbath's +rest. He walked slowly, musing as he went, and every now and again +making audible the current of his thoughts. + +"Its monny a long year sin aw saw owd Tommy before, an' it may be monny +a long year before aw see his face agean; aw think owd Time must use him +wi' a gentler hand nor he uses me. Aw remember th' first time aw saw +him, he wor coming past th' churn milk Joan, wi' a lump o' parkin in his +hand as big as awr ooven top; an' that wor th' day 'at Jenny an' me wor +wed. It seems like a dream to me nah. Poor Jenny!--if there's a better +place, tha'rt nooan soa far off thear!" And then he paused to wipe the +heavy drops from off his cheeks. "Aw thowt aw'd getten ower this sooart +o' thing, nah he sed, but aw believe aw niver shall. Its just five year +come Easter sin aw laid her low, an awve niver been able to aford a +grave stooan for her yet, but aw can find that bit o' rising graand +withaat a mark, an prize it nooan the less. But its noa gooid freating +abaght things we cannot help. Aw'll have another reek or two an' goa an' +see awr Joa." So filling his little black clay pipe with the fragrant +weed (which for convenience he carried loose in his waistcoat pocket), +he puffed his cloud of incense in the air and hastened on to gain his +journey's end. A walk of a few minutes brought him to the door of a low +whitewashed farm-house, around which the cans were reared, ready to be +filled with the morning's milk. He ventured in, (first carefully +removing all the mire from his shoes, lest he should soil the nicely +sanded floor,) and drawing up the old arm chair which shone like +polished ebony,--he looked around the strange apartment. "Its a queer +fancy (he said at last) at Mally should be soa fond o' pots,--what +ther's mooar here nor what ud start a shop; it saves th' expense of +slapdashing onyway." And he was right, for, from floor, to ceiling, and +along the old oak beams, appeared one medley of crockery--pots of all +sizes--cups and plates of all shapes and patterns were hung or reared +against the wall until it was impossible to find another place where one +might be displayed; and on the mantle shelf, a long array of china +images of fortune-telling gipsies, guarded at each end by what was +supposed to represent a dog--they might resemble dogs, but surely such a +breed exists not now, for if there was a point about them to recommend, +it was what Mally often said, "They ait nowt." In a short time both Joe +and Mally made their apperance--health bloom on their cheeks, and with +a hearty welcome prepared the morning's meal. A clean white cloth spread +on as clean a table, the requisite pots, the fresh churned butter, and +the wheaten bread was all that was displayed to tempt them to the meal; +but it was all that was required, for appetite gave relish to the plain +repast, and many a wealthy man in stately rooms, with every luxury +around, might well have envied them their simple fare, sweetened by +labor, and so well enjoyed--whilst savory meats, of which they never +knew, in vain invited him whose satiated tastes loathed every dish. But +the old farmer did not seem at ease, and when the meal was over--after a +short conversation, he bade them both good day, and turned his steps +towards his lonely home. Perhaps it was the son who called up in the old +man's mind some thoughts of former days--or perhaps the train of thought +he had indulged in previously might have laid a load of gloom upon him; +but, be it as it may, he seemed inclined to spend the day under his own +roof tree. + +The winter came and spread its spotless snows o'er hills and dales; the +wild winds wailed; the woodman's axe echoed amidst the woods; the song +birds fled; the dauntless redbreast twittered on the window sills; the +cawing rooks wended their weary way in solemn flight. The spring again, +like a young bashful maid, came smiling upon old Winter's track; the +field's looked gay again; and trees seemed vieing which could first be +drest in verdant green. The Summer followed on, the sun shone o'er the +fields of ripening grass; the mowers scythe was dipped in fragrant dews, +and Flora bounteously bestowed her favorite flowers. Autumn succeeded, +and once more the' eye was gladdened with the bearded grain, waving in +golden splendour in the breeze;--again the luscious fruits are tempting +one to pluck; and soon again the year,--weary with its labors, prepares +to sleep, and desolation reigns. + +'Tis Sunday morning, and the sun looks down through murky mists;--the +ground is slightly hardened with the nipping frost; here and there some +hardy flower endeavours to look gay:--the tolling bell rings out its +morning call, and straggling groups wend their way to worship in the +village church. But on the hill, which rises high above, was stood a man +in deep and earnest thought. One could scarcely have believed that the +pale, aged looking man, who dressed in sombre black was standing and +looking over the quiet scene, was the stalwart farmer, who just one year +before was holding converse with old Tommy;--but he begins to speak. + +"Its just twelve months to day," he said, "sin aw wor talking to him o' +this varry spot, an nah he's gooan, an awm left to attend his funeral: +ther's nowt to feel sorry for 'at aw know on, but when an owd face is +noa mooar, 'at one's been used to see--it tells a tale 'at's easy +understood;--it leaves a gap i'th' world 'at's never shut--it bids us to +prepare an reckon up awr life to see if all's as we could like it to +be,--an' use what time's left to square accounts,--soa's when we're +called to 'liver up, we may be ready. Jenny wor ready, an soa wor Tommy. +It isn't ivery man yo meet i'th world 'at's honest." + + + + +It Mud ha' been War. + + +If iver onybody had th' luck to get off th' wrang side o'th' bed ivery +mornin, an' to allus be gettin into scrapes all th' day long, it 'wor +Jack throo' th' Jumpels. It seemed as if some evil genius wor allus +abaat makkin spooart on him. If he gate mezzured for a suit o' clooas, +th' tailor wor sure to tak th' length ov his coit sleeves for his +britches slops, or else mak 'em after another mezzur altogether; awther +soa mich too big wol he luk'd like a wanderin bedtick seekin th' flocks, +or else soa mich too little wol he used to send his arm's an' legs soa +far throo, till yo'd fancy he'd niver be able to get 'em back. But wi' +all his bad luck, an' i' spite o' all th' scrapes he gate into, he wor a +varry gooid-hearted chap, an' iverybody 'at knew him gave him a gooid +word. He went to see a hont o' his one day, an' he'd donned his best +duds, an' he couldn't help thinkin as he wor gooin whether be should be +able to keep aght ov a mess or net, an' as he knew his hont wor a varry +particlar body, he detarmined to do his varry best. When he gate to th' +door he saw' at shoo'd nobbut just scarr'd th' steps, an' he luk'd at +his feet an' thowt it wod be a pity to put sich mucky booits on to sich +nice wark, soa he went raand to th' back yard; but when he gate thear +th' door wor fesand, soa he thowt th' best plan wod be to climb over th' +wall, for as it wor th' middle o'th' day, an' all th' fowk i'th' tother +haases could see what wor gooin' on, he knew shoo'd niver forgive him +for callin her aght if shoo didn't happen to be weshed an' tidied; soa +up he climbed, an' as it wor twice as deep o'th' tother side he worn't +disappointed to see a big tub just standin nicely ready to step on to; +soa ovver he jumpt, an' as might be expected, th' top gave way, an' he +varry sooin fan hissen up to th' middle i' pig-mait. But he nawther +stamped nor sware nor made a din like mooast fowk wod ha' done--for he'd +getten soa use to messes o' one sooart an' another wol he'd begun to tak +'em as a matter o' cooarse. + +"Well, here's another bit o' my luk," he sed; "this is another mullock +aw've getten into, soa aw mun get aght on it someway; it's noa use +freeatin' abaat what cannot be helped, an' ther's one consolation, it +mud ha' been war." Just as he wor scramlin' aght, his hont coom to see +what wor to do, but shoo didn't fly into a pashon as yo might fancy. +"Hallo, Jack!" shoo says, "aw thowt it must be thee; tha's dropt in for +it another time, has ta?" + +"Eea, aw reckon aw have, but if aw havn't spoilt th' swill aw dooant +care." + +"Oh, aw'll forgie thi that, lad; tha's'made a nice pictur o' thisen, +reight enuff; aw could just like thi fottagraff takkin nah, but come thi +ways in." + +"Nay, hont aw'll nooan come in i' this state; aw'll call agean some +other day, for awst mak nowt but muck." + +"Niver heed th' muck; come thi ways in, for tha lukes like a hauf-draand +ratten; tha'll catch thi deeath o' cold if tha hasn't summat warm. Come +in an doff them clooas, an' aw'll see if aw connot find some o' thi +uncles 'at'll fit thi wol thine's fit to put on agean. Aw niver did see +sich a mess i' all my life. Th' idea ov a chap fallin' up to' th' middle +in a swill-tub!" + +"Why, its net varry nice, reight enuff, but it mud ha' been war, hont." + +"Aw wonder ha," shoo sed. + +"Why, if aw'd gooan ovver th' heead." + +"Well, that wodn't ha' made, things ony better, truly; but th' next time +'at tha'rt comin' ovver that way just let me know, an' aw'll have that +tub aght o'th' gate. Goa thi ways into th' chamer an' change them +stinkin' things, an' then come an' sit thi daan an' let's tawk to thi a +bit, an' see if aw can get ony sense aght on thi, for aw'm sure nubdy +can put ony in." + +"All serene," sed Jack, an he went an' changed his clooas, an' when he'd +getten donned afresh he coom daan stairs an' sat daan i'th' arm-cheer +beside th' fire. "Yea-a-aw! yea-a-aw!" went summat, an' up he sprang as +if th' cheer-bottom wor redwoot. "A'a, tha gurt gaumless fooil!" sed his +hont, "couldn't ta see a cat an' three kittens? Aw do believe tha's +killed 'em ivery one! Poor little things!" Nay, nay, aw niver did see +sich a thing i' all my life! tha's killed 'em all three, an' it's a +wonder tha hasn't killed th' old cat an' all. Dear-a-me, aw did intend +draandin 'em to-morn, an' to think 'at they should be squeezed to deeath +this way, Aw shalln't get ovver it for monny a day." + +"Well, aw'm varry sooary, hont; but aw niver saw' em, iw'm sure. Whoiver +expected to find a cat an' three kittens in a arm-cheer? But let's be +thankful, for it mud ha' been war." + +"Nay, net it! it couldn't ha' been war nor it is: tha's killed em, an' +tha couldn't do ony moor if tha'd to try." "Well, but aw mud ha' killed +th' old cat as weel, yo know." + +"What does ta say? Killed awr Tibby? Tha'd better keep thi heels this +rooad as long as iver tha lives nor think o' sich a thing, for aw browt +her up wi a spooin throo being blind, an' aw wodn't swap her for all th' +cats i'th' world. An' if it had been anybody else nor thee 'at had done +this, they'd ha' heeard a bit o' my tongue, aw con tell thi; but, +haiver, it is as it is, soa sit thi daan. Tha's noa need to luk soa +jaylus, mun, ther's nowt under thi nah but a wish in; tha luks as white +as a gooast; aw expect tha's getten thi deeath o' cold, but aw'll get +thi a sup o' whiskey, an' see if that'll warm thi a bit." + +Shoo went to th' cubbard an' browt aght a bottle, an' put it onto th' +table, teld him to help hissen. "Tha's noa need to be flaid on it," shoo +sed, "it's some o'th' reight sooart; it's what thi uncle allus taks when +he ails owt, an' aw believe if th' time iver comes when a sup o' that +willn't cure him, it'll be a case o' curran cake an slow walkin: for aw +believe its saved his life manny a scoor times already, an' it's a deeal +cheeaper nor doctor's physic." + +Jack tem'd some into a glass an gate a gooid swig; an' if yo could ha' +seen his face yo'd niver ha' done ony moor gooid. If it had been +stricknine he couldn't ha' pooled a faaler mug. "What's th' matter," +shoo says, "is it to strong?" + +"Aw dooant know whether it's to strong or net," he said, "but it's aght +ov a different tap to what aw'm used to; just yo taste, an' lets see ha +yo like it." + +"It's thi maath 'at's aght o' order, mun; it's a drop o' old Slicer's +best, an' aw'm sure ther's noa better to be getten abaat this quarter. +Aw dooant reckon to tak owt to sup misen," shoo sed, "but aw'll just +taste wi' thi." + +"Eea, do, sup it up, aw'm sure tha'rt welcome, for aw've had enuff." + +Shoo gate a drop into her maath, but it coom aght agean sharper nor it +went in; aw thowt her heart ud come up. "A'a dear! a'a dear!" shoo says, +"it's Harryget watter! it's Harryget watter! aw've made a t'mistak!' +aw've made a mistak! but it's just thi luck." + +"Eea, aw expected yo'd say soa; it's allus put daan to my luck, whether +it's my mistak or somdy else's; but it mud ha' been war." + +"Thear, tha'rt at it agean; aw believe if it h'ad been pooisen tha'd +say soa; but, here, sithee, try this bottle; aw fancy tha'll find +this'll run daan better nor th' last." Soa he made hissen a drop, an' +after tawkin' a bit abaat ha things wor gooin on in a reglar way, he +axed if his uncle wor varry weel. + +"Yos, he's varry weel, aw think; at ony rate, he wor all, reight when he +left here at braikfast time. Aw'm just gettin his dinner ready, an' tha +con tak it him if tha's a mind; tha'll find him up i'th' brickfield +yonder, doom summat at th' old well." + +Jack sed he'd be glad to goa, for he wanted to see him befoor he went +back, soa as sooin as all wor ready he set off an' went towards th' +well, but befoor he gate up to it he 'heeard his uncle shaatin an' +bawlin an' gooin on as it he wor mad. "What's to do, uncle?" he sed as +sooin as he gate up to him, "whativer's to do?" + +"Do! it's enuff to drive me cracked, aw do declare! Here have aw had a +lot o' chaps leadin watter to this old well for monny an' monnya day, so +as we can pump it as we want it into that long field, an' aw'm blowed if +summat hasn't getten to th' valve or summat, an' ther willn't a drop +come." + +"Why what will yo have to do nah!" sed Jack. + +"Do I what can aw do? Ther's nowt for it nah but for somdy to goa daan +an' set it reight, an' aw'm far to old for sich a job'." + +"If that's all," sed Jack, "aw think aw con scrammel daan that pipe; ha +deep is is it?" + +"It's nobbut abaat fifty feet, an' ther's a gooid flange to rest on at +ivery two yards, but aw hardly dar let thi try, for tha maks si'ch a +mess o' iverything." + +"Dooant yo freeat abaat that; aw'll goa daan, just see." + +"Well, mind what tha'rt dooin', for ther's a gooid deeal o' watter in +nah." Jack began to slide daan, one length at a time, an in a bit he +called aght "all reight." + +"C'an ta raik th' valve," sed his uncle. + +"Eea, but aw cannot stir it unless yo send me a hammer daan." + +"Well, stop thear wol aw fotch one, an' aw'll lower it daan wi' a bit o' +band." An' away he ran to th' bottom o'th' next held for a hammer. He'd +getten abaaf hauf way daan, when up comes another looad o' watter, drawn +bi two horses, an' two men wi' em. + +"This'll be my last looad to-day, Jeffry," sed one to his mate. + +"An' aw'm glad on it," sed Jeffry; "aw wonder if th' gaffer's getten th' +valve altered yet; he wor sayin' summat abaat it when aw coom wi' th' +last barrel." + +"Aw can't say, aw'm sure; but another barrelful can't mak soa mich +difference, whether he has or net, soa here goas." As sooin as he sed +that, he knocked a gurt bung aght o'th' back o'th' barrel, an a stream +as thick as mi leg began paarin daan th' well. It wor a gooid job for +Jack 'at he happened to be claspin his arms raand th' pipe, for if he +hadn't he'd ha' been swum ovver th' heead, an' noa mistak; an' as it +wor, he could hardly get a bit o' breeath, for th' watter seemed to +spreead aght like a sheet, an drive all th' air aght. He did try to +shaat once or twice, but it wor noa use, for th' watter made sich a din +wol nubdy could hear him. + +It didn't tak th' uncle aboon three or four minits to fotch th' hammer, +an' as he war comin with it he saw this wattercart bein emptied into th' +well, an' his heart gave ovver beeatin for abaat a minit; then he set up +sich a shaat, an' ran at sich a speed, wol th' chaps wondered what could +be to do. "Hold on!" he sed, "for goodness sake, hold on! Didn't yo know +'at my neffy wor i'th' well?" "Noa bi th' heart did we!" an' th' barrel +wor bunged up in a crack, an' th' uncle bawled daan th' well as laad as +he could, "Jack, if tha'rt draanded spaik! He's deead sure enuff," he +said; "one on yo goa daan an' see if yo con bring up his body." Just +then coom a saand o' summat knockin th' pipe at th' bottom, an' th' +uncle called aght, "Jack, whear are ta?" + +"Aw should think yo've a gooid nooation whear aw am," sed Jack, "aw've +managed th' job, soa nah aw'm comin up; luk aght an' give me a lift." As +sooin as his heead wor within th' raich ov his uncle's fist, he collared +hold ov his toppin, an niver let goa agean wol he stood o' safe graand. +"By gow, Jack, tha's given me a shock; awst be some time afoor aw get +ovver this; tha owt to manage better nor soa; it's like as if ivery +thing tha touches tha maks a mess on it." + +"That's reight, uncle, lig it o' me! But aw wonder whether yo or me gate +th' mooast ov a shock. Aw should fancy it wor me." + +"Well, reight enuff, lad, it wor'nt a nice place to be in, an' that suit +o' clooas 'll niver be fit to be seen agean." + +"Noa, aw dooant think they will," sed Jack; "but it mud ha' been war, +for they arn't mine." + +"Why, whoa's are they? aw thowt as tha coom up 'at tha luk'd varry +respectable." + +"Aw dooant know whoa's ther reightful owner, uncle, but mi hont has lent +'em me to put on wol mine gate dried, for, yo know, aw've been i'th' +swill-tub once today." + +"Why, then, that's my best Sundy suit 'at tha's gooan an spoiled! aw +wonder 'at thi hont had noa moor sense nor to leean 'em to thee." + +"Aw wonder aw'd noa moor sense nor to goa daan that well to spoil 'em, +for it's nooan a nice hoil to be in, an' when aw've a shaar-bath, aw'd +rayther have it withaat onybody's clooas." + +"Well, let's lig away, an' get hooam as fast as we can, for thi hont'll +mak a noise aw'll bet, soa we mud as weel get it ovver as sooin as +possible." + +They went hooam an' tuk th' uncle's dinner back wi 'em, an' as sooin as +shoo saw Jack shoo rested her neives on her huggens, an lukkin at him +throo heead to fooit sed, "What's ta been doin nah; can't ta stur +withaat gettin into a scrape?" + +"Well it seems net, for if aw dooant get into a mess misen, ther's somdy +gets me into one." + +"Tha'll keep me dryin cloas for thee, aw can see that; but goa upstairs +an' put on thi own duds, an' awl see if aw can fettle them up at tha has +on." + +"Awm sooary to give yo soa mich trouble, but then it mud ha been war, if +awd gooan daan an' niver come up." + +"Tha'd ha been noa loss, lad, tha needn't think; but luk as sharp as tha +con, for aw've begun to get th' teah ready." + +"Awl net be long," he sed, an' wol he wor changin his clooas th' uncle +tell'd her all 'at had happen'd, on shoo laff'd wol her face wor as red +as a turkey cock. + +When Jack coom daan th' table wor set an' all ready for th' teah, an' +th' uncle an' hont had takken ther places at th' table. + +"Come sit thi daan," sed his hont; "but before tha +does, just hand me th' tea pot off th' rib; an' mind, for th' +hanel's hot." + +"Awl mind," he sed; an' as he began to think he'd had mishaps enuff for +one day, he thowt he'd steer clear ov ony moor, an' soa as he'd been +wan'd th' hanel wor hot, he tuk hold o'th' spaat, an' he'd hardly getten +a yard away throo th' fire wi' it, when a streeam o' boilin teah began +to run daan th' inside ov his jacket sleeve; but he held on like a man, +an' he wor detarmined he'd land it on to th' table, soa he ran wi' it +an' bang'd it into th' middle o'th' tea things, smashin cups an' saucers +an' upsettin th' sugar basin an' th; creeam jug, an' makkin sich a mash +as yo niver saw. + +Up jumpt booath hont and uncle. "Just luk at my yollo satin dress," sed +his hont; "it'll niver be fit to be seen agean!" + +"If tha doesn't tak thysen aght o' this haase," sed his uncle, "awl +pawse thi aght, for tha's made moor bother sin tha coom in nor enuff." + +But poor Jack wor sufferin badly, which his hont (woman like) noa +sooiner saw nor shoo forgave him all th' damage he'd done, an' went to +sympathise with him. His arm wor varry badly scalded, an' soa shoo put +some traitle an' flaar on it, an' lapp'd it up, an' then he sed he thowt +it wor time he trudged hooam. "Aw wish tha'd trudged long sin," sed his +uncle, "an' if tha doesn't come here agean wol aw send for thi, tha +willn't come yet a bit." + +Jack gate his hat an' wor just gooin aght, when they discovered 'at it +wor rainin varry fast. "Awl leean thi a umberella," said his hont, "but +aw dooant think awst iver see it agean, but as tha's been wet throo +twice to-day aw think tha's had baat enuff." + +He took th' umberella an' went to th' door, an' they follow'd him to bid +him gooid day. + +He shoved th' umbrella under his arm, an' held aght his hand, "Gooid bye +hont, wol aw see yo agean." "Confaand thy stupid heead!" shaated aght +th' uncle. + +"What's up nah?" sed Jack. + +"Can't ta see? Tha's shoved th' end o' that umberella stick reight into +mi e'e." + +"Why, awm varry sooary," sed Jack, "but it mud ha' been war!" + +"Ha could it ha' been war, softheead?" + +"Why if awd shoved it into' em booath," sed Jack as he hooked it, for he +thowt he'd better be goin. + +Whether he landed hooam withaat ony moor mishaps or net aw cannot say; +but varry likely net. But aw think, we've follow'd him far enuff for +once, an' yo can form yor own opinion ov what sooart ov a chap he wor, +but altho we're inclined to laugh at sich a chap, yet they've happen as +mich wisdom as some 'at think they've moor; an' a chap's moor to be +envied nor pitied 'at can console hissen wi' thinkin 'at haiver bad +things are, 'at they mud hai been war. + + + + +Ha a Dead Donkey Towt a Lesson. + + +Respectfully dedicated to my ill-used long-eared friend, + +Neddy Bray + + Some fowk choose one thing, some another, + To grace ther prose or rhyme; + Some sneerin say 'at tha'lot my brother, + Maks me choose thee for mine; + Well, let 'em sneer owd Neddy lad, + Or laff at my selection, + Who fail to see ther type i' thee + Are void o' mich perception.-- + Ther's things more stupid nor an ass, + An things more badly treated, + Tho' we ait beef, an' tha aits grass, + May be we're just related. + Throo toil an' trouble on tha jogs, + An' then like ony sinner, + Tha dees, an' finds a meal for th' dogs;-- + We furnish th' worms ther dinner. + +Deemas an' 'Becka used to keep th "Cock an' Bottle," i' awr street. +They'd lived thear iver sin th' haase wor built, an' won iverybody's +gooid word, at worn't particlar abaght a sup o' drink. One day they sent +aght invitashuns to all ther neighbors an' friends to come to a tea +drinkin. Niver mind if ther wornt a rumpus i' that district! Th' chaps +winked when they met one another, an' said "Aw reckon tha'll be at yond +doo?" "Aw mean to be nowt else," they'd reply; an' away they'd trudge i' +joyful anticipation of a reight spree! + +But th' women! Hi! that's it! It's th' women 'ats th' life an' soul ov a +jollificashun yet. They wor buzzin aght o' one door into another just +like a lot o' bees, to see what soa an soa wor gooin in. "What sooart ov +a bonnet art ta baan in Zantippa?" said Susan Stooanthrow; (or rayther +aw should, say, Miss Stooanthrow, for shoo reckoned hersen th' lady o'th +ginnel). + +"Well, aw've nut made up mi mind yet," shoo says; "but aw have thowt aw +should goa, aw hardly know ha'; but what does ta think o' gooin in?" + +"Well, aw suppooas it's ta be a varry spicy affair, soa aw have thowt aw +should goa i' full dress. Yo' see, being a single woman, an' rayther a +stylish shape, aw think it 'ud just suit me. What do yo' think?" + +"Just the varry ticket, lass! Tha' couldn't do better! For, as aw've +mony a time said to Betty Wagstang, ther's noabody con mak up a moor +lady-liker appearance nor what tha con, when tha's a mind! But talkin' +abaght Betty, has ta seen that new cap o' hers?" + +"Do yo' mean that shoo bowt up th' street t'other wick?" + +"Th' same! Did ta iver see onybody luk sich a flaycrow i' all thi life? +Her heead reminds me ov a gurt pickled cabbage. Shoo doesn't keep up her +colour wi' nowt, tha may depend on't. Awther shoo can mak brass goa +farther nor other fowk, or else summat else; but they tell me 'at thers +nut mony shopkeepers abaght here but what has her name daan ofter nor +they like. But that's noa business o' mine." + +"Aw shouldn't be at all apprised at that, for aw've heeard fowk say 'at +her family wor allus fond o' summat to sup afoor shoo wor born, an' they +niver had a gooid word at th' shops. Is she gooin' ta be at this swarry? + +"At this what does ta say, Susy?" + +"Aw said swarry, some fowk call it sooary. It means a pairty like yo' +know; it's th' French for a sooart ov a dooment, that's all." + +"Oh, well, awm sooary to say 'at booath her an' her felly gate a invite, +but tha knows we've noa need ta mix up wi' sich like unless we've a +mind. Aw'm capt whativer made Becka ax her, for ther's hardly a woman +i'th ginnel but what had leever goa a' mile another rooad nor meet her; +but aw declare shoo's comin' sailin' daan like a fifty-gun ship! Talk +abaght owd Nick, an' he'll show his horns." + +"Well, Zantippa I aw do declare shoo is! Soa we mun stand it aght, but +aw shall be varry reverse i' my talk, yo'll see." + +"Gooid morning, lasses!" said Betty, burstin' in. "Aw thowt awd just +come daan to see what yo' thowt o' doing abaght this doo at th' Cock." +"Are ta baan Susy?" + +"Yes, aw expect soa, for aw received a 'billy duck' the t'other day, a +askin' ov me to be present, if nothing didn't interspect my 'rangements +no otherwise." + +"Why, Susy! hang it up! sin' tha began o' dressmakin' an' wearin' thi +hair like th' Empress Uginny, wi' all them twists an' twines, aw con +hardly tell what tha means. Are ta studdyin' for a skooilmistress?" + +"Nut exactualy, but yo' see aw' begun to talk a bit moor propperer; for +when aw've to do wi' th' quality fowk, gooid talk an' a gooid redress is +one o'th requirations 'at yo' connot disperse wi'; but aw mun goa mi +departure, for aw've soa mich to execute afoor neet, woll awm fair +consternationed when aw think on it,--for aw've noabody to help me nah, +for my 'prentice has to stop at hooam wi' her fayther." + +"Ho, eea! Why, what's th' matter wi' him, is he badly?" + +"He is; for he hurt his leg a month or two sin', an' he's had to goa to +th' infirmary to get it anticipated." + +"Why, whativer's that, Susy?" + +"To get it cut off, yo' know. But aw munnot stop, soa, gooid day." + +An away Susy flew daan th' ginnel, famously suited wi' th' way shoo'd +capt 'em wi' her scholarship. + +"Well, if iver aw saw sich a flybysky as yond Susy i' all my life, aw'll +niver be trusted. Guy, hang it! shoo mud be as handsome as wax work, +shoo thinks soa mich ov her' sen! But aw fancy shoo'll ha' to dee an owd +maid, for its nooan her sooarts 'at fellies wants. It's all varry weel +to sit nigglin' away wi' a needle an' threed, stickin' bits o' poasies +into cap screeds, an' stich in' mooinshine, but when a chap wants a +wife, he wants somdy 'at con brew, an' bake, an' scaar th' floor. Why, +aw could whip raand hauf a duzzen sich like to my thinkin'! An' when aw +see her screwin' up her maath an' dutchin, an' settin' her cap at ivery +chap shoo sees, it maks mi blooid fair boil in me; an' awm sure, if ther +is a young chap abaght, shoo's wor nor a worm ov a whoot bakstull. Odd +drott it! it caps me 'at fowk should have noa moor sense nor ax sich +like to a party. But ha are ta off for clooas Zantippa? Con ta leean me +a under coit? Aw've all else ready." + +"Nay lass, aw connot; for th' last doo 'at aw wor at aw had to borrow +one o' Susy. Aw've getten one nah, but aw'st want it.' + +"Aw wonder if Susy 'ud leean it me," said Betty, "Aw hardly like to ax +her, for tha sees aw didn't give her the job o' makin' yond cap Tha's +seen mi new cap, hasn't ta?" + +"Eea! aw saw thi have it on t'other day." + +"Well, it's what aw call a nobby un; but awd better net waste ony time, +soa aw'll goa an' see if Susy 'll leean me yond coit. Shoo can nobbut +say noa." An' away went Betty. + +'An' it's to be hooapt shoo will say' Noa, 'for if tha gets it, shoo'll +ha' to luk sharp if iver shoo sees th' edge on it agean,' said Zantippa +"Aw'd leean thee nowt unless awd made up mi mind to pairt wi' it. Aw +dooan't mak' mich o' Susy, but shoo's worth a barrow-looad sich like as +thee. Bith heart! tha'd ma' a daycent looad for a barrow thisen! An' if +all's true aw've heeard, it's nut long sin' tha' wor one, an' had a +bobby for a cooachman. But that's nowt ta me He! gow! it's turned o' +twelve o'clock, an' my chap an' th' childer ul be here to ther dinner! +Consarn it! Aw hate to live amang a lot o' gossippin' fowk sich as ther +is abaght here, noabody con get to do owt. Be hanged, if th' fire isn't +aght! an' aw expect it'll tak' me as long ageean to leet it, coss a'wm +in a hurry. There's niver nowt done reight when a body's in a fullock. +Aw wish ther tea drinkins wor far enuff. Aw'd rayther sail across th' +salt seea nor be put i' sich a mooild as this. Yond's th' bell! An' +they'll be here in a minnit! A'a dear! A woman's wark is niver done!" + +"Aw think it niver is done, bi'th luk on it!" said Dick, as he stept +into th' haase. "Ha' is it thers noa dinner ready? It's as ill as th' +weshin' day, or else war!" + +"Dinner! tha may weel ax abaght th' dinner," said Zantippa, "doesn't ta +see 'at th' place is ful o' reik? Aw dooan't know what tha means to do, +but if we connot have that chimley altered aw know one 'ats baan to +flit." + +"Why, aw niver knew it smook'd afoor; but this fire's nobbut just lit." + +"What's ta been dooin' baght fire?" + +"Fire? does ta want me to be smoord? It's grand for yo' 'at con walk +aght to yo're wark as sooin as yo' get up, an' just come in to yo're +meals an' aght ageean, but yo' niver think o' what's to come o' me 'ats +ta tew amang it throo morn ta neet." + +"Why lass, ha' is it 'at it niver smooks ov a Sunday?" + +"Ha con I tell? tha mun ax it! Can't one o' yo' childer get th' bellus +an' blow a bit, or are yo' baan to stand thear wi' yo're fingers i' +yo're maath woll aw fair drop? But it'll nut allus be soa, yo'll get me +ligg'd low some day, an' then yo'll have ta shift for yoursen." + +After a gooid deal o' botherin' an' grummelin', an' a varry deal o' +wangin' th' cubbord doors, an' clatterin' th' pots abaght, Zantippa +managed to mak' a sup o' coffee an' butter a bit o' bread. Dick didn't +like this, but as he saw his wife wor th' wrang side aght, he thowt, for +th' sake o' peace, he'd say nowt; soa he swallow'd his coffee an' cake +(if nut wi' thankfulness, at least i' quietness), an' then him an' th' +childer budged off. + +"Thear!" said Zantippa, as shoo watched 'em aght o'th seet, "Aw've +managed that varry weel. Aw wod'nt ha' let him know for all th' brass +i'th bank 'at aw'd been talkin' woll aw'd letten th' fire goa aght. Aw +do hooap 'at ther'll nut a wick soul come an' bother me agean to-day, +for aw've niver had time to tak' th' cowks up yet, an' aw've all th' +stockins ta mend' at should ha' been done last wick, an' aw know Dick +hasn't a button left on his halliday shirt, it's time somdy stirred +thersen. Aw dooant know ha' fowk manage 'ats allus gaddin' abaght, aw +declare if aw ammut' allus slavin' at it, aw connot keep things +nowt-bit-like straight. Drabbit it! ('at aw should say sich a word) +ther's Betty comin' agean! Aw'd rayther be stranspoorted to Botny Bay +nor be as aw am. Ther's hardly a minnit but what ther's somdy o' th' +doorstun!" + +Betty coom in smilin' all over her face. "Nah!" shoo says, "aw've +managed, an' aw've come ta see if tha'll goa wi' us, for Susy's baan up +th' street to buy a staylace, an' aw thowt aw'd just goa an' get th' +stink blown off, for aw've cawered i' this yard woll aw'm feear'd awst +grow maald. Put thi bonnet on, an' goa wi' us, we'st be back i' gooid +time." + +"Aw could like to goa, but aw've soa mich to do woll aw hardly dar, for +woll aw wor talkin' to thee an' Susy this fornooin, th' fire went aght, +an' when Dick an' th' childer coom hooam ther wornt a bit o' dinner for +'em." + +"Well, awm capt, 'at tha'll bother wi' cookin' 'em dinners. Aw allus let +awrs tak' ther jock wi' em, it saves a deal o' trouble, an' aw say a +woman's wark enuff, shoo haddles owt shoo gets, an' if we dunnot luk +aght for ussen noabody else will for us. But please thisen, if tha +doesn't tha darn't." + +"Oh! as to that, aw dar goa, but aw've nowt to goa for, an' lots o' wark +at hooam. Aw think aw'd rayther nut." + +"Well, tha'll get noa better on for cawering ith' haase like a moldwarp. +But aw mun goa, for Susy's waitin'." Away went Betty, an' Zantippa +ommost rued 'at shoo hadn't goan too: but it wor nobbut for a minit, for +shoo teed her apron string a bit tighter, tuck'd up her sleeves, pooled +in a long breath, an' as shoo said, "began ta make a sidashun." + +Nah, if iver yo' want a chap to study a bit, an' resolve to mend his +ways, let him be quiet; but if iver yo' want a woman to start o' +thinkin' an' resolvin', let her have summat to do. If a woman sits quiet +shoo begins to mump. Aw niver hardly met a woman 'at could sit daan +quietly for five minits withaat sighin' two or three times; they think +an' think, an' sigh, an' shake ther heeads, an' if they're let alooan +they manage to wark thersen inta a bad temper abaght summat, but what +that is, aw've never met one 'at could tell. Zantippa didn't sit daan +an' mump, but up stairs shoo went an' made th' beds, an' a rare shakin' +they gat, for shoo wor just ful o' summat an' shoo mud vent her feelins +someway. + +Women have a deal better way o'managin' that sooart o' thing nor what +men have. Ther are times when we're all brimful o' summat, th' steam's +up, an' if we connot find a safety valve we shall brust. Nah, a woman +drives up to th' elbows i'th' weshin' tub, or rives all th' carpets up, +or pools all th' pots aght o'th' cubboard an' puts 'em back agean. Shoo +lets her tongue have full liberty, an' what wi' talkin', an' sweatin', +an' scrub bin', an' brushin', shoo finds hersen reight daan tired, an' +after a bit ov a wesh an' snoddenin' her toppin', shoo sits daan to her +knittin' or sewin', as cooil as a cucumber, an' as ful o' gooid natur as +an egg's ful o' mait, an' her een sparkle wi' pleasure, like dewdrops +sparkle on a rose in a summer's mornin'. But wi' a chap it's different, +nine times aght o' ten he flies to th' ale pot, or else he begins +growlin' at hooam. "Th' tea's hot," or "th' muffin's cold," or "th' +butter's wor nor cart grease." "Th' childer's noisy," or "th' wife's +quiet," an' noa matter what's done for him it's all wrang. Sometimes bi +th' way ov a change, he'll pawse th' table ower, an' braik as mony pots +as it'll tak a gooid part ov a week's wage to replace, an' at last, +after makin' iverybody abaght him miserable, he'll goa to bed lukin' as +black as a mule an' sleep woll mornin', when (unless he's ova bad +sooart) he'll feel reight daan shamed ov hissel, an' set to wark to put +things reight agean. Nah, Zantippa wor just i' one o' these moods; an' +shoo made th' beds, coom daan stairs, an' weshed all th' pots, scaled +th' fire an' took the ass aght, gave th' hearthstun another dooas o' +idleback, scattered a bit ov fresh sand o' th' floor, an' after weshin' +hersen, an' donin' a clean print dress, shoo laid th' table ready for +th' teah, gate th' kettle onto th' rib, an' sat daan wi' her bag ful o' +worset an' a heap o' stockins, an', as shoo luk'd raand shoo felt as +pleased as Punch to see what a difference shoo'd been able ta mak in an +haar or two. "Aw'm nooan sooary 'at aw stopt at hooam," shoo said to +hersen. "Aw know Dick'll be suited when he sees all fettled up, an' if +aw get theas stockins done ta neet the'll be aght o'th gate. Aw wonder +ha it wor 'at he tuk things sooa quietly this nooin; aw dooant think +it's reight when a chap's been work in' iver sin six o'clock ov a +mornin' for him to come hooam an' find noa dinner ready. Reight enuff, a +woman's plenty to do to follow her haase, an' cook, an' mend, but if +ther wor noa wage comin' in, ther'd be less cookin' an' moor mendin', +aw've a noation. Aw've made up mi mind woll aw've been sidin' up 'at +aw'll nut waste mi time as aw have done, talkin' an' gossippin', for +ther's noa gooid comes on it, an' altho' aw want to keep thick wi' mi +neighbors, aw'm determined aw'll chop that sooart o' thing off at once; +for my mother used to tell me, 'If ther were noa listeners, ther'd be +noa taletellers;' an' th' time 'at one spends is war nor wasted, for it +oft leads ta 'fendin' an' provin', for them 'at come an' tell yo summat +abaght somdy else will just as sooin tell somdy else summat abaght yo. +An' luk what scrapes one gets into wi' it. Nah, aw made Dick believe 'at +th' chimley smookd, that wor a lie to say th' least on it, an' he'll be +sure ta noatice 'at it doesn't smook ta-neet, but if he names it aw'll +tell th' truth, for, aw'm sure noa gooid comes o' lying." + +When Zantippa had just made this resolve, th' door opened, an' Dick au' +three childer coom in throo th' miln. He saw th' difference in a minnit. +"Wipe them clogs," he said as th' childer wor walkin' in. "Tha's been +fettlin' a bit, lass, aw think. Are ta baan to ax some o'th' neighbors +to ther drinkin'?" + +"Noa!" shoo says, "aw'm baan to ax noabody but thee an' th' childer. +Does ta want me to ax somdy?" + +"Nay, nooan soa! Aw'd as gooid as promised to goa as far as 'Th' Cock' +ta neet, to talk ovver this bit ov a doo, but aw think aw'll stop at +hooam, what says ta?" Zantippa smiled, nay even blushed, shoo knew what +he ment an' shoo felt pleased. It wor a bit ov a compliment, an' paid +her for all her trouble. + +"Please thisen," shoo said, as shoo poured aght a cup o' teah for him, +an' lifted a pile o' tooast aght o' th' oven, "but aw think th'rt as +weel at hooam." + +"Well, an' aw think aw'm better," he said, as he luk'd raand, "aw think +th' chimley doesn't smook as ill as it did, does it?" + +Shoo hung her heead, an' stooped ta pick a pin off th' floor, but shoo +couldn't find one, an' when shoo luk'd up ther een met. Shoo didn't +spaik, nor moor did he; it worn't needed. It wor a long time sin they'd +sich a comfortable teah, an' when they'd done they sat some time at th' +table i' silence. Ha' long they might have sat aw connot tell, hadn't +th' door oppened, an' Betty come runnin' in wi' a pot to beg a sup o' +hot watter, for shoo said "Her chap had coom hooam, an' shoo'd been +rayther longer nor shoo expected, an' he wor playin' th' varry hangment +for his drinkin'." + +Shoo gate her hot water, an' went away. Dick luk'd at his wife, an' +takkin' howd ov her hand, said, "Aw'm glad 'at tha hasn't to goa seekin' +hot water, an' aw hooap tha niver may have." + +"Aw hooap nut," shoo said, an' sat daan evidently varry ill set ta see +her stockins. Nah, what a little con make fowk happy or miserable. Dick +wor as content as a king, becoss all th' haas wor tidy. He saw at somdy +had been tryin' to mak' him comfortable; an shoo wor as delighted as if +shoo'd getten a fortin left, becoss what shoo'd done had suited him. + +When th' childer had getten all put ta bed, Dick said, "Lass, aw've been +thinkin' 'at aw dooant care soa mich abaght gooin to this teadrinkin' +for aw've a noation 'at we connot goa ta th' tea withaat stoppin' an' +spendin' a lot o' brass at after, an' aw've heeard thee say as thar't +fast for some flannel. Nah, if we stop at hooam an' spend th' brass o' +what it is tha wants, it'll do us moor gooid nor th' ale, what says ta?" + +"Just thee please thisen, Dick. Aw had thowt o' gooin, but as tha says +it's sure to cost summat, an' awr Billy wants some new clogs, for yond +tak watter varry ill, an' aw dooant know what we could do better wi' th' +brass, an' aw think we con have as comfortable a teah at hooam." + +"Aw'm sure, an' moor soa, an' as tha's decided nut to goa, aw'll tell +thi ov a marlock some o'th' chaps has been playin' but tha munnat split, +for it hasn't to get aght woll after th' pairty. Tha knows Hungary at +works wi' us?" + +"Does ta meean him 'at once ait a pailful o' draff?" + +"Th' same chap! An' he declared 'at if he gate aside o'th steaks at this +doo, he'd polish th' lot (an' aw believe he can ait owt less nor a +bullock), soa some o'th chaps made it up 'at he should have a dish to +his own cheek; but they'd ta be donkey steaks--for owd Labon ('at hawks +cockles an' mussels) had let his donkey catch cold or summat, at ony +rate it dee'd, an' soa they thowt if they could get some steaks off that +they'd just come in, but they knew 'at owd Labon had rayther part wi' +his heead nor let onybody mell o'th donkey, for he thowt as mich on it +as if it wor a Christian. But they determined to scheme some way to get +it, soa Joe Longfooit offered to go into th' yard where it wor, an' cut +off one hinder leg an' tak it hooam ta cook, if Sam Sniggle 'ud watch +aght to see 'at noabody coom. Labon kept his donkey, tha knows, in a +place at th' top o'th long stepses, an' used ta goa raand th' back rooad +wi' it, soa one dinner time they'd watch'd Labon aght o'th' yard, (where +he'd been standin' rubbin' his een, an' strokin' his owd favourite,) an' +when he'd getten nicely off they ventured to try ther luck. Joe +Longfooit went up wi' a gurt carvin' knife, an' left Sam at th' bottom +to whistle if he saw onnybody comin', an' he stood thear for a while, +but he wanted a bit o' bacca, an' ther wor sich a wind i'th' steps 'at +he couldn't get a leet, soa he went across the rooad into a doorhoil for +shelter. He worn't aboon a minnit or two away, but when he coom back +what should he see but owd Labon within a few steps o'th' top. He hardly +knew what ta do, but he managed as mich wind as made a whistle, an' +stood watchin' for th' next move. Joa heeard the signal, but it wor too +lat, for he couldn't get aght withaat th' owd chap seein' him, an' he'd +getten th' leg cut off ready for huggin' away, soa seizin' hold o'th' +shank, he watched for owd Labon's hat showin' aboon th' wall top, when +he gave it sich a clencher wi' th' thick end o'th' leg, woll he forced +th' brewards reight onto his sholder, then he laup'd ovver th' wall an' +ran hooam wi' his prize as fast as his legs could carry him, leavin' +Laban to find his way into dayleet ageean as weel as he could. Sam met +him at th' haase an' they worn't long i' cutting some grand lukkin' +steaks off, an' puttin' 'em ov a dish i'th cubboard, an' bith' time +they'd done that, th' bell rang an' they'd ta goa back ta ther wark. +When Labon gate his hat, once more onto th' top ov his heead, he went ta +see his owd deead friend, an' when he saw it ligged thear wi' nobbut +three legs, he vow'd vengeance agean them 'at had done it, an' declared +'at if iver he fan it aght, he'd mak 'em pay for it, for it wor nowt noa +less nor robbin' th' deead, an' he'd have' em tried for assasination. +Joa's wife wor aght when they took th' leg hooam, an' after they cut th' +steaks off they'd hid t' other part under th' coils. But they hadn't +been gooan soa varry long when shoo coom in, an' as shoo wor gettin' th' +pots aght o'th cubbord, shoo saw this dish' ful o' steaks. "A'a!" shoo +says, "it's just like yond chap to put thease in here an' say nowt +abaght it, but aw con just relish one o' thease to my drinkin', an' aw +dar say he'll want one, an' awm sure th' childer 'll do wi' a bit. We +hav'nt had as mich fleshmait i' awr haase afoor for many a wick. Fotch +that gridiron, Polly! We'st ha to do it o'th' top o'th' coil, for ther +isn't fat enuff to fry it." + +Shoo worn't long afoor shoo had it nicely cooked, an' the tea made, an' +a thowt struck her' at shoo'd ax Sam's wife to her tea, for shoo knew +'at they didn't oft get steak at their haase, so Polly went an' browt +Mistress Sniggle an' all th' childer to ther tea, an' as ther wor eight +on' em, they varry sooin put thersen o'th' aghtside o'th' steak. They +set to wark then to get some clean pots ready for Joa, an' sent one +o'th' childer ta watch th' miln loise, ta tell Sam ta come wi' him. When +they come all wor nicely ready for' em, but ther minds worn't easy, for +ther'd been a policeman axing abaght 'em at ther wark, for Labon had +seen Sam at th' bottom o'th' steps, an' he thowt he knew summat abaght +it, soa they declared they'd niver own to it to a wick soul. As sooin as +they gate in they smell'd what wor up, for Joa knew ther wor noa mait i' +th' haase else, an' his wife had no brass to buy ony. He looked at Sam, +an' thear they stooid i' th' middle o' th' floor as white as two ghosts, +staring at one another, but they darn't spaik, an' booath waited to see +what t'other did. + +"Come on to your drinkin'," said th' women. + +"A'a! tha'rt a grand un, Joa," said his wife, "to put them steaks i' th' +cubbord an' niver say a word abaght it, an' tha knows ha fond aw am ov a +bit o' steak, an' it's a bit o' nice mait too, tho' it isn't as tender +as some. We've savvor'd it, aw con tell thi, for considerin' th' price +o' mait nah, a gooid steak's hardly within th' raich o' workin' fowk." + +Joa wor dumb struck, he stirred his tea, but he couldn't tak his een off +th' steak. Sam rested his head on his hand an' complained abaght bein' +poorly. + +"It's for want o' some gooid support, mun," said his wife, "get some o' +that mait into thi. It's made me feel a different body, awm as frisky as +a young foil, an' luk at th' childer, they're wrastlin' thear like young +bullocks. Mun, it puts a bit o'th' natur o'th' beast into 'em." + +But Sam declared he felt poorly, an' couldn't touch mait; but Joa +couldn't spaik at all. As he sat starin' at th' dish, old Laban went +past th' door, wi' a basket o' awther arm shaatin' aght "Cockles alive! +Mussels alive, oh!" As sooin as Joa heard that he seized a fork, an' +stuck it into th' mait wi' sich a force, 'at he smashed th' dish an' +pinned it fast to th' table top. "Woa, up!" he said, "stop thee thear!" + +"A'a! gaumless! tha's been having summat to sup this afternooin, aw can +see," said his wife. "Tha mud ha' thowt owd Labon wor callin o'th' steak +to goa wi' him!" But poor Joa couldn't get a word off. Drops o' sweat +stood ov his foreheead as big as pays, an' he couldn't tak his een off +th' mait. "Is ther summat th' matter wi' that steak, makes thi 'at tha +connot touch it?" said his wife; "awm sure it's nicely enuff; what is +ther to do wi' thi?" + +"Oh, th' steak's reight enuff," said Joa, raisin' courage to spaik, "th' +steaks all reight, but aw'm nut i'th' knife an' fork line to-neet. +What's that noise i'th' cellar?" he said, starting aght ov his chear, +wi' his hair ommost studden ov an end, an' his een starin', an' his +teeth girnin', like a sheepheead between a pair o' tangs! + +"What noise! Does ta mean that rawtin' daan i'th' cellar?" + +"Eea!" + +"Oh, it's nobbut th' childer 'at's laikin, some on 'em's recknin' to be +donkeys an' t'other's drivin' 'em; they've been at it iver sin they'd +ther drinkin'; it's that mait 'at's suited 'em soa, mun, woll they +dunnot know what to do." + +"Aw mun goa hooam," said Sam, "aw can't bide, aw'm varry poorly." + +"Why yo booath luk awther poorly or summat," said his wife. "An' aw +think th' sooner yo get to bed an' th' better." + +Sam an' his wife and childer went hooam, an' it wornt long afoor Joa wor +burrying his heead under th' blankets, an' tryin' to fall asleep; but he +couldn't, for as sooin as he began to dooaz off, he began dreamin' 'at +he wor tryin 'to swallow a donkey an' wakkened wi' it stickin' in his +throit. + +Th' next mornin' when they met ther faces luk'd moor like two dazed +cakes nor owt, for they'd hardly a mite o' color left. "We're reight in +for it this time, Sam," said Joa. "Aw believe this job 'll tell ov +itsel'. Does ta think 'at it makes ony difference wi' fowk aiting donkey +beef?" + +"Well, aw dooant know; but aw did once know a chap 'at wor a reglar cauf +heead, an' he hardly iver ait owt but veal, an' tha knows th' bass +singer at awr church gets bacon to ommost ivery meal, an' he grunts as +ill as a pig, bi'th' heart does he;--an', awm sure, my childer's ears +luk'd longer to me this mornin', or else aw thowt soa!" + +"Well, an aw'm sure my wife snoor'd i'th neet moor like a donkey rawtin +nor owt else, an' th' fust thing awr Isaac axed me this marnin' wor to +buy him some panniers so as he could be a mule. But what are we to do +wi' yond t'other pairt o'th' leg?" + +"Oh, we mun burry that, we'll ha' noa moor truck wi' that, an' aw think +we'd better ax some advice abaght some o' them 'at's etten th' other; +for it wod be a doo if they'd to start o' growin' tails or summat! +ther's noa tellin'." + +They were boath soa terrified woll they left their wark, an' they went +to see an owd chap 'at's varry skilful o' heearbs, an' they tell'd him +all abaght it, an' axed him "if he thowt it 'ud mak ony difference to +them 'at had etten it?" + +"Well," he said, "considerin' what sooart o' fathers they have aw dooant +think it will mak mich difference to th' childer, it hardly con, an' if +th' wives get rayther unruly, yo mun try an' bridle 'em a bit. But if +yo'll tak my advice for't future, yo'll let that alooan 'at doesn't +belang to yo, for yo'll allus find ought dishonestly getten, will breed +moor trouble to yo nor what th' loss 'll mak to them yo've ta'en it +throo,--soa goa hooam, an' bear i' mind 'at "Honesty is th' best +policy," an' if 'owd Labon's donkey has towt yo that lesson, it hasn't +dee'd for nowt." + +They went back to their wark, but someha' or other it's getten wind, an' +aw fancy 'at th' doctor's tell'd, but be that as it may, aw consider +they wor reight sarved, an' aw dooant think they'll show up at this +tea-drinkin'. + +"Well, aw niver heard sich a tale i' my life," said Zantippa. "An' aw +should think they'll never see a donkey withaght thinkin' on it, an' if +soa it'll noa daat be for th' best. Noabody owt to be aboon learnin' +when they've a chonce, an' aw think aw've lent a lesson to-day." + +"Does ta lass, an' what is it?" + +"Why, 'at to mak hooam comfortable owt to be a woman's furst duty, for a +clean hearth an' a cheerful fire do a deal towards makin' a cheerful +heart; for when a haase is upset a chap's temper gets upset, an' it's a +deal better to prevent a few cross words nor to try an' mak things up +agean." + +"Tha'rt a gooid lass, Zantippa! God bless thi! Let's goa to bed!" + + + + +One, Two, Three. + + +Nah number one is onybody an' iverybody; for we're all number one to +ussen. Ther's an old sayin, an' it must be true, for ommost iverybody +seems to believe it, 'at we should all remember number one--that is, +it's set daan to be iverybody's duty to do th' best they can for +thersen, an' it's becoss this doctrine is soa well acted up to, 'at maks +me think 'at ther may be a bit ov amusement an' profit i' studying abaat +it at this time--yo can tak th' amusement an' let me have th' profit. +Nah, if you act up to my advice, aw think yo may be happen better nor yo +are, an' if yo dooant aw dooant think yo'l be ony war, an' that's one +comfort. Ther's nowt like startin at th' faandation ov a subject, if yo +want to deal wi' it in a reight way, an' aw intend to goa to th' rooit, +an' as money is th' rooit ov all evil, an' th' number one doctrine is i' +my opinion an evil, aw shall start wi' brass. We mun awther believe +money to be th' rooit ov all evil, or else we daat th' wisdom o' him at +sed it, but at th' same time my experience taiches me at it's a varry +useful thing to have i' yor pocket when yo goa to market, an' it's a +wonderful thing for stiffenin a chap's back booan. Allus remember this, +at th' heigher yo hold yor heead an' lower other fowk 'll bow theirs. +Ther are exceptions to this rule, for ther are 'at think a honest man +has as mich reight to hold up his heead, even if he hasn't a penny in +his pocket, as one 'at's thaasands o' paands. Ov coorse, yo know better +nor that; for a empty heead an' a full purse can pass muster even i'th' +Parliament. Then, whativer yo do, yo mun get hold o' this brass, an' +niver heed, if becoss your gettin moor nor yo want causes some others to +goa short--that's nowt to yo--yor number one an' luk to that. If yo can +nobbut get a fortune, yo'll find friends come withaat seekin. But mind +whativer yo do to get yor brass honestly-that is, get it i' some way 'at +th' law cannot touch yo. Dooant knock a chap daan an' tak it throo him, +but start some sooart ov a society wi' a long name, get some offices in +a garret in a grand street, get some chap wi' a hannel to his name to be +president, an' a lot o' directors 'at nawther yo nor onybody else iver +knew, pay a poor begger fourteen shillin a week to be scratchetary, mak +yorsen into th' treasurer, an' then advertise. Somdy'll be sure to tak +shares, an' as sooin as ther's ony brass to goa on wi,' vooat yor sen a +salary ov two thaasand a year,--mak sure to get it--an' then, if ther's +ony claims at yo connot meet wind up th' business. Fowk'll be sure to +sympathise wi' yo, and yo'll have as mich as 'll keep yo respectable for +a bit, an' then yo can luk aght for another chonce o' turnin a honest +penny. Yor belly'll be full an' your back weel clooathed, your +conscience--well, tak noa noatice o' that,--an' if yo can get a front +seeat in a chapel yo'll stand a gooid chonce o' been made a taan +caancillor or a member o'th schooil booard. This number one doctrine has +another advantage, a chap 'at follows it aght has nubdy's else interests +to bother abaat; he doesn't care who dees soa long as he lives, nor who +sinks soa long as he can swim. But allus tak care net to let other fowk +know 'at yo live up to this system; for although iverybody thinks a +gooid deeal o' ther own number one, nubdy seems fond ov another's. Some +even goa soa far as to call a number one chap selfish. Well, worn't we +born into th' world to be selfish? What have we nails for if we munnot +scrat? What have we teeth for but to bite? What have we een for but to +look after awr own interests? What have we ears for but to listen for +iverything to us own advantage? What have we bodies for but to serve? +This is number one doctrine. Its varry popular, an' does varry weel for +this world; ther's a deal o' hansom gravestooans stand ovver once +successful number ones. What ther number is i'th' next world is moor nor +aw can tell, but aw know they'll have to start afresh, for all they iver +gained they've left behund. + +Fowk 'at niver loise seet o' 'number one,' are a hard workin set as a +rule, but even they have to amuse thersen a bit sometimes, an' they find +it a nice change to luk after 'number two.' To a chap o' this sooart, +iverybody's 'number two,' 'at's a bit better awther i' luks, position, +or pocket. Nah if yo want ony fun o' this sooart aw'll tell yo ha to get +it. Furst ov all, find aght sombdy 'at yo fancy yore mates think moor on +nor they think o' yo--watch him ivery time yo get a chonce, an' see if +yo connot pick aght a hoil in his coit. Dooant be disheartened if yo +have to luk a long time before yo can find a fault--be sure ther is one +somewhear, an' if yo can't see it at a distance, hutch cloiser up, mak a +gurt fuss on him, niver say owt contrary to what he says; if he says +summat funny, laff fit to split yor sides, an' if he says owt serious, +luk solemn an' shak yor heead. Watch him carefully, an' it's a thaasand +to one but some day yo'll catch him trippin. If, when yo've fun a hoil, +it's soa little as to be hardly worth noaticing, dooant despair, wol yor +clappin him on his back an' smilin in his face, yo can happen get yor +finger in, an then rive it a bit bigger. Do it gently at furst, just a +little bit at a time, and then when yo've getten a chonce, rip it as far +as yo can. But be sure yo have nowt ony moor to do with him after that. +If yo see him comin, cross on t'other side o' th' rooad, niver let on +'at yo've seen him, but as sooin as he's getten past, shak yor heead +sorrowfully an' sigh; if yo happen to have a clean hankerchy i' yor +pocket, yo may tak it aght and mak believe to wipe off a tear--niver +heed if ther isn't one, fowk'll think better o' yo, an' all the war o' +him. If onybody should come an' ask yo if yo've heeard that sad tale +abaat him, say. 'God forbid at yo should hear owt war nor what yo've +heeard before.' Dooant seem inclined to listen, but when they've done, +say, 'Well, well it's a thaasand pities, but if that wor th' warst it +wodn't matter mich.' He's sure to go away wi' th' noation 'at yo know +summot abaat th' same chap 'at's ten times war nor owt he's heeard, but +yo've too mich gooid natur to tell it. Nah this is all varry gooid fun +for' number one;' an when yo see poor' number two' loise his shop, or +shunned, or luked shyly at wi' them at wor once his admirers, an' yo +know 'at it's allowing to yo, then yo can goa hooam an' shut yorsen up +all bi yorsen, an' laff, an rejoice to yor heart's content. But dooant +be surprised if, when yo chuckle, yo should hear another chuckle cloise +to yor elbow, for haiver yo lock an' bolt th' door, yo connot keep th' +devil aght. He enjoys a bit o' fun o' this sooart as weel as yo, an' +he's nobbut come to show yo ha pleased he is. If yo dooant like his +compny sarve him th' same way --remember yo're 'number one,' an he's +nobbut 'number two' to yo. Pool as long a face, an' luk as sanctimonious +as yo can, an' wheniver yo've a chonce, tell fowk to shun him an' all +his works, tell 'em 'at he's prowlin raand like a lion seekin who to +make a meal on th' next. Yo needn't be mailly-maathed abaat him, becoss +he's net suppooased to have ony friends. He willn't care a button what +yo say, 'coss he knows yo cannot injure _his_ character, an' he laffs to +hissen as he sees yo sighin, an lyin, an scheamin, all for 'number one,' +an he puts a mark opposite yor name to show 'at he's noa need to luk +after yo ony moor--yo're all safe--an' then he turns his attention to +some 'number twos.' It's gooid spooart, isn't it? May be yo think it's a +spooart 'at's niver entered onybody's heead but mine, but yor mistakken. +It's a varry common spoart. Mind yo dooant catch yorsen indulging in it +some day. + +Number three reminds a body ov a deeal o' things, but nowt as mitch as a +pop shop. Them three gold balls 'at hing aght to show whear th' poor +fowk's bankers live, if they could nobbot spaik, could tell a tale 'at +wod cap some o' them wiseacres 'at reckon to know all poor fowk's +troubles, an' th' way to cure' em. Nah, it's a puzzle to me to accaant +for one o' these things, an' that is, 'at fowk's actions should be +regarded through a different standpoint to owt else i' th' world. A +little tree is a tree, an' it's nobbut a tree ha big it is--a puttate is +nobbut a puttate if it grows as big as a churn-an' a man considers +hissen a man whether he's a Goliah or a Tom Thumb. But actions are +different altogether. Whether they're to be considered gooid or bad +depends entirely o' th' bugth on 'em. A chap 'at can chait somdy aght ov +twenty thaasand paands is considered smart: but a poor begger 'at stails +a looaf is a thief. A chap 'at walks into th' joint stock bank, an'. +leaves th' title deeds ov his property for th' loan ov five or six +hundred paands, is an honerable tradesman, 'an it's considered a +business--like act; but a poor woman' at taks her fiat-iron to th' pop +shop, an' borrows sixpence on it, commits a sin--it's a disgrace. Aw +wonder what th' mooast o' th' banks are but pop shops. What difference +is ther between a pop ticket an' a check book? Varry little nobbut th' +bugth. I' my opinion it's noa moor a disgrace for a chap to pop a paper +coller nor for another to morgage a property. Ther's a gooid deal o' +speculation sometimes i' booath cases. Nah, aw once knew a chap at popt +a haufacraan for two-an-four-pence, an then sell'd th' ticket for a +shillin: soa he didn't loise owt. They're useful places i' ther way, +though aw dooant mean to say at ther's noa evils connected wi' 'em. Nah, +aw once knew a woman 'at popt her husband's Sunday clooas so as shoo +could buy a new dress for hersen, 'an when he fan it aght he gave her a +lickin an' had to goa befoor th' magistrates, an' they fined him ten +shillin or to goa to quad for a month, soa his wife popt her dress to' +pay th' fine. Nah, it isn't ivery evil 'at can reighten itsen like that; +an' varry likely bith time they've getten 'em aght agean they'll have +lernt moor wit. + +Ther's summat else 'at number three reminds me on, an' that's th' three +things at we all owt to have--Faith, Hope, an' Charity. As to Faith, +ther's awther a gooid deeal on it i' th' world, or else fowk dooant +spaik truth. Hope we've all enuff on, an' some fowk moor nor what does' +em ony gooid, for they're ofter hopin nor strivin. But when it comes to +Charity, then aw'm a sooart o' fast amang it. It's a nice word, a bonny +word aw think; it luks nice in a church or a bazaar. It's a nice word to +tak for a text, it saands nice onytime unless it's at a meetin o' th' +poor law guardians, then it saands harder an' harsher someway. For mi +own part, aw've niver been able to understand exactly what it meeans. I +have an opinion o' mi own; but then aw know it must be wrong, becoss +it's so different to other fowk's. Aw wor once walkin aght wi' a chap +'at wor chock full o' charity. He wor soa full on it 'at it used to roll +aght ov his maath ivery two or three minutes, and we hadn't gone far +when we met a little lad, wi' hardly a bit o' clooas on him, an' he +luk'd as if he'd been livin o' th' smell ov a cook shop for a wick, an' +he coom beggin a hawpney. Well, to tell th' truth aw wor gooin to pass +him, for aw hadn't a fardin, but my charitable friend did stop, an' he +patted him on his heead, and axed if he he'd a father an' mother, an' if +he went to th' Sunday schooil, an if he knew his Catichism, an' then he +sed, Well, be a good boy, an' sometime when aw've a hawpny aw'l give it +thi,' an' we went away. When we'd gooan a two or three yards he sed, +'Let's have a glass o' ale, for aw'm dry--aw feel sooary for yond lad, +but yo connot allus be givin. + + + + +Sammy Bewitched. + + +Aw shall niver forget Sammy Sawney. He's deead nah an' it's a pity at +owt like him iver should dee, for he wor net only t' first but aw +believe t'last o' 'tsooart. Aw niver remember him as a lad, for he wor a +gooid age when aw wor born, but aw've heeard enuff abaat him to mak me +feel as if aw'd known him at that time, an' judgin' bi what aw knew on +him as an old man aw can believe it ivery word true. + +Sammy's mother wor a widdy, an' he wor her only child. Shoo wor worth a +little bit o' brass, an' his fayther had been considered varry weel to +do, for he'd abaat twenty hand-loom weyvers workin for him, an' his +bumbazines wor allus considered t'best i' t'market. When Sammy wor four +year old shoo detarmined to send him to t'schooil an' have him eddicated +for a banker's clerk, for to be handlin brass all t'day long wor to her +t'happiest condition i' life. + +It wor easy enough to send Sammy to t'schooil but to get him eddicated +wor another matter, an' whether it wor as t'schooil-maister sed, 'at his +heead wor too thick iver to drive owt into it, or, as his mother said, +'at t'schooilmaister knew nowt an' soa he could taich nowt, aw dooant +pretend to say. + +Little Sammy hadn't a varry easy time on it, for he wor shifted abaat +throo one schooil to another, wol he hadn't mich o' a chonce o' +leearnin' even if he had some brains, an' ther' wor at sed he hadn't. + +But his mother had faith ther wor summat in him, an' varry likely ther +wor, for nowt iver coom aght, an' what some fowk called +wrangheeadedness, shoo considered to be genius badly directed. + +One day he wor at t'beckside, an' shoo went to see what he wor dooin', +an' as shoo saw he'd nobbut one clog, shoo axed him what he'd done wi' +tother, an' he sed he'd made it into a booat, an' it had sailed away +down t'beck, soa shoo tawked nicely, an' tell'd him he shouldn't do soa, +for it wor lost, an' he mud allus remember 'at if he put owt into +t'beck, he'd niver see it ony moor, for t'watter ran daan at sich a +rate; but he sed he'd fun aght a better way o' dooin' it next time, for +he'd put t'furst in wi' t'toa pointin daan t'hill, but when he put +t'next in, he'd point t'toa up t'hill, an' it wouldn't find it quite soa +easy gooin. + +"A'a, Sammy lad," sed his mother, as shoo stroked his heead, "tha's a +deal moor i' this nop nor ivver thi fayther had, or me awther, for aw +should niver ha' thowt o' that." Sammy put tother in, takkin care to +point t'toe t'contrary way to what t'watter wor runnin, but as sooin as +he left lawse it turned raand an' foller'd tother, an' wor sooin aght o' +seet. + +"Nah, then!" he sed "didn't aw tell yo? If it hadn't turned raand, it +'ud ha' been goin' up t'hill, but t'chap 'at made them clogs didn't mak' +'em reights an' lefts. Yo see they're booath left, an' aw believe that's +the reason aw've allus been lat to t'schooil." + +"Niver heed, Sammy, tha shalln't go to t'school ony moor, for aw believe +tha'rt better able to taich t'maisters nor they are to taich thee." + +"Awm sewer on it mother; for t'last maister aw had sed awd towt him +patience, an' awm sartin he niver towt me owt." + +"Come thi ways, lad, an' awl buy thee some new clogs at another shop, +but dooant put any moor into that beck, unless tha tees a string to 'em, +if tha does awst ha' to give thee a lickin, soa tha knows; for even +knowledge can be bowt too dear." + +After gettin his new clogs, shoo tuk him into a spice shop to buy a +penorth o' owt he liked, soa he ax'd t'old woman for a penorth o' +humbugs; but as sooin as he'd getten 'em, he altered his mind an' thowt +he'd have acid drops, soa shoo changed em'; but he'd hardly getten 'em +when he changed his mind, an' said he'd rayther have a rockstick, an' +when he'd gate that, he wor walkin' aght, an' shoo sang aght after him +'at he'd niver paid her for it. + +"Why, aw gave yo t'acid drops for it." + +"Eea, but tha niver paid for t'acid drops." + +"A'a, what a tale I didn't aw give yo t'humbugs?" + +"But tha niver paid for t'humbugs." + +"Why, aw havn't etten t'humbugs, have aw? Didn't aw give' em yo agean? +Yo dooant want payin' twice, sewerlee?" + +"Well aw dooant know hah it is, what tha says saands reight enuff; but +what aw do know is, at tha's getten a rockstick, an' aw havn't getten a +penny." + +"You see what it is to be a scholar," sed his mother; "but yo'st loise +nowt bi a child o' mine," soa shoo gave her t'penny an' coom away. + +As they wor walkin on, Sammy put t'last bit into his maath an' sed, +"mother, can yo tell me why is old Sally like that rockstick?" + +"Nay lad, awm sewer aw cannot." + +"Becoss they've booath getten suckt." + +"A'a, lad, dooant study soa mich, awm feeard strainin thi brain, but can +ta spell brain?" + +"Brane." + +"Nay, lad, ther's a I in it." + +"Then aw must have three, if aw've two i' mi heead an' one i' mi brain." + +"Aw niver thowt o' that, but tha'rt far too clivver for me, an' awst +nivver rest until aw get thi into a bank." + +Now it soa happened 'at ther wor a man 'at had done business wi' Sammy's +fayther i' former days, an' after a bit o' persuadin he consented to +tak' him into his office, an' t'lad wor soa praad ov his place, 'at, +strange as it seems, he did begin to leearn a bit o' summate T'chap tuk +a deeal o' pains wi him, an' his mother's heart wor oft made glad wi' +hearin a gooid accaant of his gooins on. When he used to goa to his +dinner wi' a pen stuck behind his ear, an' his finger daubed wi' ink, as +if he'd been cleeanin' aght t'ink bottles, shoo could hardly keep her +arms off his neck, an' monny a time shoo'd sit watchin him as he put +t'puddin aght o' t'seet, wi' tears in her een, an' wish his farther wor +thear to see him. But his face grew whiter an' he didn't seem to have as +mich life in him as he used to have, an' this caused her a deeal ov +uneasiness, an' at last shoo decided to goa an' have a word wi' his +maister. Shoo went to t'office, an' they made a gurt fuss o' t'old woman +an' ax'd her into a private raam to sit daan. + +"Aw've come," shoo sed, "to have a word or two abaat ahr Sammy; aw +should like to know hah yo think he gets on?" + +"Better than we expected," he said; "he runs errands very well and his +writing is better than it was, but his spelling wants improving, yet we +think we shall be able to make a man of him." + +"Well, if that's all aw think he'll get better on it, an' as for spellin +a word wrang nah an' then aw dooant see 'at that maks mich difference +soa long as yo know what it meeans. But what do yo think troubles him +t'mooast?" + +"Well at the present time it's with the which's, but you must excuse me +just now for a very important customer has called and I must see him." +Soa he jumpt up an' left her. It didn't tak her long to get hooam, an' +as shoo'd allus been ov a superstitious way o' thinkin, her mind wor +filled wi' anxiety abaat her lad. + +"Just to think," shoo sed, as shoo trudged along, "'at he should be +bewitched! A grand lad like him-but it's somdy at's done it just aght o' +spite, an' aw've a varry gooid noation who's done it. It's that nasty +gooid-for-nowt 'at lives at t'back o' awr haase,--shoo's niver been able +to bide t'seet on him sin' he cut her cat tail off, an' shoo knew well +enuff he nobbut did it for fun. But awl see if aw connot braik t'spell." +As shoo had to pass a smithy on her way hooam shoo went in, an' axed if +they'd an old horseshoe to give her, for shoo knew that wor a thing 'at +witches couldn't bide t'seet on. + +"Why, Meary, what dun yo want it for. Are yo freetened o' t'boggards?" + +"Awst nooan be freetened o' thee if tha wor a boggard," shoo sed, "but +has ta getten one?" + +"Well, aw dooant know, but aw've a pair o' donkey shooin here, if tha +thinks they'll fit yor Sammy tha can have' em an' welcome." + +"Aw think they'd be a deeal moor likely to fit thee, judgin bi t'length +o' thi ears," shoo sed; "but aw want a horseshoe if tha's getten one, +an' if tha hasn't say soa, an' dooant keep me waitin here." + +He hunted abaat till he rooited one aght, an' he gave it her, an' shoo +put it in her pocket an' went off withaat iver stoppin to thank him for +it. When Sammy had getten his supper shoo sent him to bed, an' tell'd +him to leave her his waistcoit, as shoo wanted to do summat at it. As +sooin as shoo wor bi hersen shoo pool'd t'horseshoe aght ov her pocket +an' began to plan hah shoo could fasten it to t'back ov his waistcoit, +for shoo thowt that wod be t'best place for it, an' although it wor a +nasty thing to hug up an daan, yet it wor a deeal better nor havin to +live under t'influence ov a evil eye. It tuk her a bit o' seheamin +befoor shoo gate it stitched on to her fancy, but patience won t'battle, +an' when shoo went to bed she felt easier in her mind. + +T'next mornin shoo'd a deal o' trouble to get Sammy to put it on, for he +couldn't tell t'meanin on it, but his mother lukt soa serious abaat it +'at he didn't like to say he wodn't wear it. + +He went to his wark, but his jacket didn't fit quite as well as usual, +an' as for keep in his waistcoat i' ony-bit-like shape, he couldn't do +it, for t'weight behind wor soa heavy wol it pool'd t'buttons ommost up +to his chin, an' when he sat on his stooil i' t'front o' t'desk, he felt +as if somdy wor tryin' to upset him backards. When he went to his +dinner, he felt as if he wor huggin a pack, an' he begged hard ov his +mother to let him goa withaat it, but shoo sed shoo darn't trust him +aght ov her seet if he hadn't it on, for it wor to shield him. "It's a +queer place for a shield," he sed, "but awl try it this afternooin, an' +if it doesn't feel easier awst niver put it on agean." + +When he coom hooam at neet, he wor booath tired an' cross; an' after his +Supper he gat a slate an' pencil an' sat daan to write, lukkin' varry +glum. His mother watched him varry anxiously for a while, an' then shoo +sed quietly, "Tha doesn't look varry weel to-neet, Sammy, does ta think +tha'rt goin' to have a spell o' sickness?" "Noa, but awm sick o' +spellin', for t'gaffer's allus agate on me becoss aw connot spell +'which.' Aw've spell'd it wich-whitch-witch-an' which-du' awl goa to +hummer if aw can tell which is which even nah. Aw wish ther worn't a +which." + +"Which witch does ta mean, Sammy?" + +"Aw can't tell which which, aw wish aw could." + +"A'a Sammy," shoo sed, an shoo threw her arms raand his neck, "tha's +taen a load offmy mind!" + +"Well, you've putten me one on to mi waistcoit." + +"Tak it off, lad, for tha doesn't need it! Tha doesn't know hah thankful +aw am, for when aw wor tawkin' to thi maister yesterday he sed tha wor +troubled wi' witches, an' aw sewed t'horseshoe on to scare 'em." + +"Which whiches did he mean?" + +"Which witches witch?" + +"Aw can't tell which is which." + +"Nivver heed which it is, Sammy, soa long as it isn't a witch. If it's +nobbut a difference ov a letter or two aw can't see 'at it means owt. +Goa thi ways to bed, an' dooant let me have to call on thee for a clock +haar before tha frames to get up." + + + + +Hard to Pleeas. + + +"Aa, well! Wonders'll nivver cease! Come thi ways in! Whativver's browt +thee here ov a day like this? It isn't fit to turn a dog aght ot door." + +"Noa lass, an' if awd been a dog aw dooant think awst ha turned aght, +but bein' a poor widdy woman my life's war nor a dog's life onny day ith +wick." + +"Tak thi bonnet an shawl off an creep up to th' range. Awm sure awm fain +tha's com'd, for aw wor gettin' reight looansum, for my felly an booath +oth lads have gooan to th' taan, an they'll nooan be back afoor neet. +But what is it 'at's made thee turn aght ov a day like this?" + +"Tha may weel ax, but aw hardly dar tell thee Nanny, for aw knaw varry +weel 'at them 'at goa a borrowin' goa a sorrowin', an to mak a long +stooary short, awve come to see if tha can leean me ten shillin' wol awr +Harriet Ann's next draw day, for awm behund hand wi mi rent, an tha +knows what sooart ov a chap awr landlord is, for although we've lived i' +yond haase aboon twenty year, he'd think noa moor abaat puttin' th' bums +in, if we were an haar behund wi th' rent, nor he wod o' spittin' aght." + +"Why, Jenny, tha knows hah awm fixed, Aw've nooan too mich to stir on, +for yond lads' bellies tak moor fillin' nor onnybody'd believe, an' that +felly o' mine smooks moor bacca nor aw do believe ud fill a seck. He's +nivver th' pipe aght ov his maath nobbut when he's aitin or else asleep, +an not allus then, an as times is it's ommost a wonder to see a shillin' +or two, an' aw've nivver had a new cap sin last Mikelmas, an ther's noa +signs 'at aw see on, for awr Alick's naggin' at me ivvery day for a new +this or a new that, wol mi life's a looad to me; but awl see what aw can +do for thee, but goodness knaws awm poor enuff." + +Soa Nanny went to th' little corner cubbord, an after clatterin' th' +cups an plates abaat, shoo managed to find ten shillin', an shoo caanted +'em aght one bi one, an' then wi a sigh 'at wor ommost a sob, shoo sed, +"Thear it is, an aw hooap tha'll net forget to let me have it back as +sooin as tha can. But hah is it tha's managed to run short?" + +"A'a, lass! It's th' same old tale. It matters little what yo do for a +child at this day, yo're niver onny better thowt on, and when they've +takken th' bit aght o' yer maath, they'd have yor teeth if they could +mak onny use on 'em. Aw think awr Harriet Ann 'll bring mi grey hairs wi +sorrow to th' grave." + +"Why, awm capt to hear thee say soa abaat her, for aw allus thowt 'at +yor Harriet Ann wor one oth nicest lasses awd iver met. But what's th' +matter? Shoo hasn't started o' gooin to th' doncin' classes or owt o' +that sooart, surelee?" + +"Nay, nowt o' that sooart; it's war nor that. Shoo's net to be called a +ill en, but shoo's sich a fooil, an if shoo sets her mind o' owt shoo'll +do it if shoo has to wade throo fire and watter. But it maks me fair +poorly to think on it, to say nowt abaat tellin' it." + +"Why, tak hold o' that teah pot an sup aght oth spaat, it'll cheer thee +up a bit; for if there is owt 'at's heartsluftin, it is what mothers +have to put up wi throo undutiful bairns." + +"A'a, aw want noa teah, lass; awd mi braikfast just afoor aw started +aght." + +"Thee taste o' that an tha'll find it'll do thee gooid." + +"Eea, an it is gooid too! That warms me reight daan to mi tooas. Ther's +nivver nowt seems to settle my stummock like a drop o' gin an watter. +But whativer maks thee keep it ith teapot?" + +"Why, tha sees, it doesn't allus do to have a bottle an a glass oth +table, for yo niver know who may pop in, an aw dooant like to set it +befoor th' childer for fear it mud tempt 'em to tak it befoor they've +getten sense to know hah to use it, an awm sewer aw should nivver think +o' lukkin t'side it wor on throo one year's end to another if it worn't +for theas pains i' mi inside, for it's phisick to me an noa mistak." + +"Aw can believe thee weel enuff, for ther's nowt seems to do as weel for +me." + +"Well, tha hasn't tell'd me thi trubble yet, an awd like to know, an may +be aw can help thee a bit, for two heeads is better nor one, if one is +nobbut--tha knows what." + +"Tha sees, awr Harriet Ann wor as gooid a lass as iver stept till shoo +began o' coortin', an th' furst warnin' aw had wor th' last draw day, +for asteead o' givin' me two paand ten, shoo nobbut gave me thirty +shillin', an when aw axed her hah it wor shoo sed aw mud try an mak it +do, for shoo wanted to buy a two-o'-three bits o' things, for shoo'd +made up her mind to get wed. Tha could ha fell'd me wi a bean when shoo +sed that, for if ther wor owt i' this world 'at aw wor anxious abaat it +wor 'at shoo'd ha moor sense nor to get wed, soa aw axed her who it wor, +but shoo nobbut laft an sed aw should varry likely know him when aw saw +him. Nah, tha knows, Nanny, it wor nivver my way to goa abaat pryin' +into other fowks' consarns, but aw couldn't do but ax one or two ov her +comrades an try to get to know who he wor, but all awve fun aght soa far +is 'at he's a young gooid-fer-nowt, 'at nawther is owt nor nivver will +be, an he wants her for nowt i' this world but to work to keep him, wol +he spends his days drinkin' an dog feightin an pidgeon flyin', an' after +all th' trouble 'at aw've been at to bring her up in a respectable way, +awm sewer it's enuff to braik th' heart ov a stooan. Shove that teah pot +on here agean, for awm reight daan faint." + +"Sup lass, for aw can sympathise wi thee, an if it 'ad been a paand +tha'd wanted to borra tha should ha had it. But tha hasn't all th' +trouble to thisen, for aw've getten a share as weel as thee. Awl tak a +drop o' that if tha'll hand th' teah pot this way. But mine's a deeal +war nor thine, for awr Alick (a better lad nivver wor born--aw used to +say when he wor a babby 'at he'd nivver live, for when he wor varry near +doubled up wi th' ballywark he'd ligg in his creddle an hardly mak a +muff) he's gooin to mak a fooil ov hissen an all, for he's pickt up some +idle trolly, an he's savin' up his brass to ware it o' her, an he's aght +two or three neets ith wick, an _if_ aw ax him owt he says, "Yo'll find +it aght in a bit," an if he doesn't find it aght it'll cap me, for his +fayther tell'd me 'at he saw him walkin' abaat last Horton Tide wi a +woman hook'd ov his arm, an what maks it war is aw've heeard at shoo's +nooan to gooid, an he's as simple as a cauf, an shoo can just twist him +raand her little finger. When aw wor puttin' his Sunday clooas away last +wick aw fan a thimmel an a hairpin, an a mintdrop 'at had been hauf +suckt (an aw know awr Alick niver aits spice) in his britches pocket, an +when he coom hooam he wor ommost ranty wol he knew what had come on 'em, +an when aw gave 'em him he lapt 'em up i' paper an lukt as suited as if +he'd fun a fortun." + +"Th' teah-pot's empty if it means owt, but aw wor just gooin to say 'at +tha knows we can nivver put old heeads onto young shoolders, an awm +sooary to hear 'at yor Alick's noa moor wit, but still it isn't as bad a +case as mine, for tha sees if a chap gets wed he's th' maister, but a +lass has to do as shoo can." + +"Nay, net it! It's th' wimmen 'at's th' maisters oth men, aw know that +mysen. Whear wod that felly o' mine ha been if it hadn't been for me? +Why he'd ha been ith warkus long sin, if he hadn't been in his grave. +Try this, sithee, it's sweeter nor th' last." + +"Eea, it's sweeter, but it 'ud do wi a drop moor gin in it if it's all +th' same to thee." + +"It is rayther waik, but as aw wor sayin', tha sees awr Alick's allus +lived at hooam, an he's nivver known what it's been to want for owt, +even to his booits bein' blackened for Sunday, an if he gets hold o' +that nasty powse (for shoo's nowt else who shoo is), whativver mun come +on him." + +"Eea, an whativer mun come o' awr Harriet Ann? Did ta put owt into th' +teah-pot, Nanny?" + +"Aw filled it nobbut a minnit sin, an if it's empty tha must ha supt +it." + +"Nay, awve nobbut tasted abaat twice. Happen it runs." + +"Awm sure it runs, but it's aght oth spaat. Put it aght oth seet. Ther's +awr Alick comin' up th' gate, an yor Harriet Ann follerin' him. It's +reight fair wearisome. If a body gets set daan for a bit ov a talk +ther's sure somebdy to come. What's browt yo two here at this time aw +should like to know?" "Whear's ta left thi fayther, Alick?" + +"He's gooan to luk at some pigs aw believe. He said he'd be hooam i' +gooid time, an yo hadn't to get him onny drinkin' ready, for he'd have +some o' that cold broth." + +"Then he's baan drinkin'! Aw know as weel as can be, for he allus taks +some wrang-heeaded noation when he's baan to get a bellyful o' ale. A'a! +It caps me what fowk can see i' gooin an makkin a swill tub o' ther +guts! If aw mud ha my mind ther shouldn't be a drop for onybody unless +they wor poorly! But whear's ta been, Harriet Ann? Aw thowt tha wor at +thi wark?" + +"Shoo wod ha been but for me," sed Alick; "but aw chonced to meet her, +an as we'd a bit o' bizness we gate that done, an then we went on to +Jenny's, but th' door wor lockt, soa aw sed varry likely shoo'd be up +here, an it seems aw wor abaat reight, an aw persuaded Harriet Ann to +come up wi me, for it isn't fit weather for noa Christian to be aght +in." + +"Come on an sit thee daan, Alick. Awm sooary to hear sich a bad accaant +on thee, but tha art better nor awr Harriet Ann, for shoo knows awm +behund wi mi rent, an shoo couldn't do but waste another day." + +"Dooant yo bother yersen, Jenny, we've just com'd to keep yo company a +bit. Aw say, mother! dooant yo think yo've a drop o' summat short, 'at +yo could mak Harriet Ann a sup to keep her throo catchin' cowld?" + +"Tha knows ther's nowt 'short' i' this haase nobbut a drop o' gin 'at's +kept o' purpose for thi fayther when he's th' backwark, but as it's +Harriet Ann awl mak her a little drop." + +"A'a, aw cannot sup all that, Nanny, aw nobbut want a tooithful," sed +Harriet. + +"Ther's happen somdy else wants th' cold keepin' aght as weel as thee," +sed Jenny. + +"Awve been hearin' some sad tales abaat thee Harriet Ann," sed Nanny. +"Awve allus thowt as mich o' thee as if tha wor one o' mi own, an' thi +mother's been tellin' me abaat some sad gooins on; but aw hooap 'at +tha'll allus remember 'at tha's coine ov a daycent stock, an awm sewer +yon gooid-for-nowt 'at's allus hankerin' after thee meeans thee noa +gooid. Bi all aw can hear he's a low-lived offal'd scamp, an' if tha +gets wed to him tha'll have to sup sorrow bi spooinsful." + +"Dooant keep that gin all to thisen. Basta noa manners?" sed Jenny. + +"Aw dooant know what yo're tawkin abaat," sed Harriet. + +"Yi tha does; aw meean that chap 'at's reckonin' to cooart thee! When aw +wor thy age awd moor sense nor to believe ivvery lyin' lumpheead 'at +coom i' mi way, but lasses dooant seem to care who get's 'em nah. If +it's owt ith shape ov a felly it'll do." + +"Why, awm sewer yo must be mistakken, Nanny, for ther's nubdy cooartin' +me." + +"Nah it's noa gooid denyin' it 'coss awr Alick's here, for yo're both +ith same box! He's as big a fooil as thee! Net 'at awve owt ageean him +gettin' wed, net aw! Aw shall be rare an' glad to be shut on him, but aw +did think he'd have gumshun enuff to luk aght for somdy 'at wodn't +disgrace booath him an' all 'at belangs to him. But he Wor allus a +strackle brain, an' he will be till he's bowt his wit, an' it'll be +varry weel for him if he doesn't buy it too dear. But if he does wed a +trolly like her, he mun keep her, an' aw hooap he'll nivver let me see +her, that's all; for shoo shall nivver enter my door nor have a bite nor +a sup in a haase o' mine! Here, Harriet Ann, lass, taste o' this for awm +Sure tha luks as if tha'd do wi' summat." + +"Aw dooant know what yo meean, mother," said Alick, "for awm sewer my +cooartin days is ovver." + +"If aw thowt they wor aw should be th' happiest woman under th' sun, but +tha must ha dropt it varry suddenly." + +"Well, it's true, an awl promise yo 'at awl nivver start agean till +ther's a death ith family." + +"What wor aw tellin' thee, Jenny, before he come in? Isn't he a gooid +lad thinks ta? He'll nivver get wed wol his old mother's alive, he's too +mich sense." + +"He's a lad to be praad on, Nanny; aw wish awr Harriet Ann could say +like him." + +"Awl promise yo 'at awl nivver cooart agean whether ther's a deeath ith +family or net." + +"You've booath turned varry gooid all ov a sudden, aw should like to +know what it all meeans?" + +"It means nowt, mother, nobbut this-'at Harriet Ann an me thowt we could +be varry comfortable together, an soa we've getten wed this mornin'." + +"Yo desarve to be horsewipt! Awm in a gooid mind to thresh thee Alick as +long as aw can bide to stand ovver thee! Had ta noa more sense nor' to +throw thisen away after a thing like Harriet Ann." + +"Does ta meean ta tell me 'at tha'd noa more respect for thisen nor to +wed a haufthick like Alick. A'a, Harriet Ann, what wod thi fayther ha +sed if he'd been here?" + +"Awr Alick's noa fooil Jenny I dooant thee say that. Yor Harriet Ann +knew what shoo wor dooin." + +"Awr Harriet Ann's as gooid as yor Alick!" + +"Well, awr Alick's as gooid as yor Harriet Ann!" + +"Noa daat we're one as gooid as t'other, an as we're satisfied aw think +yo owt to be, an' here's yor varry gooid health," sed Alick, seizin hold +oth teah-pot to sup. + +"Put that daan! Tha doesn't want onny teah!" sed Nanny. + +"It's geoid teah is this; aw've monny a time ta'en a gooid swig aght o' +that teah-pot before to-day." + +"O, soa that's where thi fayther's physic go as is it. Tha's allus been +a bad lad Alick, an' awve had to put up wi' thee, but dooant say owt +abaat th' teah-pot to thi fayther." + +"It's ommost time mi fayther wor here, isn't it?" + +"Well, aw dooant know ha yo can fashion to luk him ith face when he does +come, but it's done nah, so we shall have to mak th' best on it, but +awst niver forgie Harriet Ann for deceivin' me. Here's thi fayther! Nah +for it! Aw wish aw wor a thaasand mile away throo here this minit." + +"Hallo! Are yo havin' a teah-drinkin'. What's to do, Jenny?" + +"Nay, yo mun ax yor Nanny." + +"What's up, Nanny lass?" + +"Can't ta see what's up? Tha must be blind aw think or else druffen! Aw +could see what wor to do as sooin as aw dapt mi een on 'em! Awr Alick +an' Harriet Ann's gooan an getten wed, that's what's to do!" + +"Why, an' a gradely pair they mak! Aw nivver thowt tha wor hawf sich a +judge ov a lass as tha's proved thisen. Aw allus sed aw thowt Harriet +Ann wor th' bonniest lass i' Yorksher. Awm soa suited wol awd ommost +forgetten awd th' backwark. Is there a drop o' gin i' that bottle, +Nanny?" + +"Tha gets a deal more gin than does thee onny gooid, an aw think that +backwark is oft an excuse." + +"Dooant lets have onny grumlin' o'th' weddin' day, for Alick's suited me +to nowt, an awm sewer shoo's th' lass awve heeard thee say tha could +like him to have." + +"Awve nowt agean th' match 'at aw know on, nobbut they should ha been +content to wait a year or two. They're both on 'em sadly to young." + +"Why, thee an' me started when we wor monny a year younger nor them. Awr +Alick wor born before tha wor as old as Harriet Ann. Awve wondered monny +a time if Alick wor iver baan to start.' + +"Has ta noa moor sense nor to talk like that afoor bits o' childer. If +shoo's as mich bother wi' him as awve had wi' thee, shoo'l wish shoo'd +nivver set een on him." + +"But whear do yo meean to live? Yo'll want a haase somewhear." + +"We've takken yond little cottage 'at yo can see o'th' hill-side yonder, +an' we've getten a bit o' furniture into it for a start." + +"Why, that's the varry haase aw allus sed aw should like to live in if +ivver awd to flit," sed Jenny. + +"Well, yo can come as sooin as yo like an' keep for Harriet Ann company, +an' if yo'll nobbut behave yorsen awl buy yo a teah-pot like that o' mi +mother's, an' yo can have it oth hob end throo morn to neet." + +"That's reight enuff Alick, but aw should ha been better satisfied if-- + +"That's what aw say Jenny, aw should ha been better satisfied if-- + +"Caar ye daan, an' let th' young ens alooan, for for like all old +wimmen, for hard to pleeas." + + + + +Ratcatchin'. + + +Ther's roguery i' ivvery trade but awrs, awve' heeard fowk say, an +"ivverybody's honest till they're fun aght." That white hen at' nivver +lays away hasn't been hatched yet. It taks all sooarts to mak a world an +aw suppooas if they wornt ratcatchers ther'd be summat short. Sam +Sniffle wor a karacter in his way, he seemed to have a bit ov a +smatterin' o' iverything, but what he professed to know th' mooast abaat +wor dogs an rats. Noa daat he had a bit o' knowledge, but what wor far +more sarviceable to him nor owt else wor a simple luk 'at he could put +on, an' a bit ov a lisp 'at he had, made him seem soa harmless an simple +'at yo wodn't believe it possible for him to do owt wrang. He worn't +varry big, but he wor varry wiry, an as full o' pluck as a gamcock. + +Aw remember one neet as he wor gooin hooam (net becoss he thowt it wor +time, but becoss his brass wor done), he happened to hear a bobby comin' +as he turned th' street corner. It wor varry dark, soa he just stept +back an waited for him comin', an as sooin as his heead popt past th' +corner, he gave him what he called a cauf-knock an sent him sprawlin' +his whoal length ith middle oth rooad. He wor hardly daan befoor Sam ran +to help him up. "A'a! whativver's to do mister poleeceman?" he sed. "Are +yo hurt? Do tell me," an he helpt him up an began to wipe th' muck off +his clooas wi' his pocket hankerchy. Th' poleeceman turned his +bull's-eye onto his face, but nubdy could suspect Sam. "Did ta see it +done?" he axd. "Eea, aw saw it as fair as could be. It's a burnin' shame +'at sich like fowk cannot be stransported! it is act'ly. Awm sewer aw +could ommost roar mi een up when aw see onnybody ill used like that." +"Does ta think tha'd know him if tha'd to see him agean?" axd th' bobby. +"Awm sewer aw' could, an' th' furst time he passes me awl bring him up +to th' poleece office if aw have to wheel him in a barro." "Well, here's +a shillin' for helpin' me up, an be sewer an keep thi een oppen." "Nay, +nay, keep yor brass," sed Sam, "awm naoan one a' that sooart 'at wants +payin' for dooin a kindness 'at costs me nowt, but awl tak it, tho' awst +nivver have th' heart to spend it, but awm mich obleeged to yo, an aw +wish yo gooid neet, an hooap yo'll meet wi noa moor misfortunes." "Aw +hooap net, an' if they wor all like thee th' poleece ud have a easy time +on it." "Why, maister, if they wor all like me ther wodn't be onny +poleece, for aw havn't a heart i' mi belly big enuff for sich a job." +Sam left him, an th' furst public haase he coome to he went in an had a +rare spree wi' th' shillin', but when he coom aght, if onnybody'd met +him they'd ha been just as likely to think he'd been to a teetotal +meetin' an' signed th' pledge. + +But if yo'd wanted to see him when he put on his varry simple smile, yo +should ha seen him when a lady browt him a pet dog 'at wor poorly. He +wor noated far an wide as a dog doctor, an ladies used to come throo all +pairts wi ther pet's to ax Sam's advice. Hahivver ugly a little brute +chonced to be brawt, Sam had his nomony ready. "A'a, that is a little +beauty, mum, aw havn't seen one like that, mum, aw can't say when, mum. +Aw dooant think yo'd like to pairt wi' it mum?" + +"Oh, no! I would not part with it for its weight in gold I It's such a +faithful little dear!" + +"Awm sewer on it, mum, yo can see it in it. It's the varry picture o' +faithfulishness. If yo leeav it wi' me it'll be weel takken care on, +mum. An what name might yo call it, mum?" + +"We call it Lion." + +"That's just th' name for a little pet like this, it is fer sewer." + +"What do you think is the matter with the little darling?" + +Then Sam ud tak it in his hands, an after strokin' it an smellin' at its +breath, he'd give it a nip 'at ud mak it yelp aght ten thaasand murders, +then he'd shake his heead an say, "Aw thowt what wor th' matter as sooin +as aw saw it, mum; yo see it's soa varry tender it can hardly bide +touchin'. It's sufferin wi' enflimashun ov its liver. It's a strange +thing, but it's a disease 'at's gooin abaat amang dogs just at present. +Ther's monny a scoor dee ivvery wick, for yo see ther's net monny 'at +know hah to doctor 'em for it. It's a pratty little thing. It'll have to +have some castor hoil an a paather, mum. Aw think aw can cure it in a +wick, mum." + +"Well, then, I must leave it with you, and be sure to treat the little +thing kindly." + +"Kindly! Why, mum, awd give it th' bit aght o' mi maath. It owt to have +some warm milk an a paather th' furst thing, but aw dooant happen to +have onny ith haase, an my lad willn't be hooam befoor dark, an it's +been awr rent day to-day, but as sooin: as ivver he comes wi his wage +awl get it some, tho' it's a pity, poor thing, 'at it connot have it +nah, but yo see aw didn't know 'at it wor comin'." + +After this speech he wor sewer to get a shillin', an sometimes +hauf-a-craan, an as he nivver reckoned owt off his doctor's bill, he +called that "extra bunce." + +As sooin as shoo'd getten nicely aght oth gate he'd give it a claat oth +side oth heead, to let it know at th' beginnin' what it might expect if +it didn't behave, an then he'd tak it into th' cellar an tee some band +raand it neck an festen it to th' wall, an throw it a bit o' strea to +lig on, an after chuckin' it a crust o' breead an' givin' it some +watter, he'd leeav it tellin' it 'at as sooin as it had browt its +stummack daan to that it ud noa daat feel better. It ud be pratty sewer +to freat a bit but Sam ud tak noa noatice wol th' next day, an when he +went to luk at it, if he fan th' breead an waiter untouched he'd leeav +it agean. Abaht th' third day he says they generally begin to nibble a +bit, an as sooin as he saw that he used to give 'em a bit o' sop or +summat, but he took gooid care net to give 'em too mich. Bi th' end oth +wick they wor cured, an' he used to wesh 'em an cooam 'em, an tee a bit +a blue ribbon raand ther neck, an' tak 'em hooam, an' when ther +mistresses saw 'em jumpin' an' caperin' abaat, an ommost fit to ait th' +fire iron's, they paid him what he charged withaat a word, an gave him +credit for being th' best dog doctor ith country. + +He made a gooid deal o' brass i' that way, but that didn't pay him as +weel as ratcatchin'. Ther wor nivver onnybody could equal Sam at catch +in' a rat, for he wor nivver known to fail. At all th' big haases ith +district he wor as weel known! as th' pooastman. He's gien up th' trade +nah, or else aw wodn't let yo into th' saycret. This is th' way he used +to do. Th' cooachman or th' buttler throo Some hall wod come to tell Sam +'at he wor wanted as sooin as ivver he could spare time, to goa up to +th' hall to catch a rat 'at one oth sarvents had seen ith pantry, for +they wor all soa freetened 'at they darn't goa in. + +Sam wod promise to be up directly, an he'd put a net into his coit +pocket, an a two-o-three breead crumbs in a bit o' paper, an a rat, +ommost as big as a kittlin, but withaat a tooith in its heead, into his +inside brast pocket, an then he'd set off. When he gate thear all th' +sarvent lasses ud cluther raand him an tell him whear th' rat had been +seen an all particulars. "Well, they're a nasty thing to have abaat a +haase, an a varry dangerous thing; but awl do mi best to catch it if +yo'll give me a sup o' ale if yo have it, an if net, pooarter'll do. Aw +want it to mix up summat to tice it aght." They seldom browt less nor a +quairt, an after takkin abaat a thimbleful to mix up his breead crumbs, +he swallow'd t'other for fear on it bein wasted. Then he'd tak a cannel +an goa to whear th' rat had been last seen, an all th' lasses followin +at a distance. After puttin his bait on th' floor an th' cannel ith far +corner, he'd begin chirpin an huntin under th' barrels an all abaat to +see if ther wor a rat, but as he seldom fan one, when he thowt he'd +carried it on long enuff, he'd set up a gurt shaat, "It's here! it's +here!" an pawse th' cannel ovver with his fooit, an as they couldn't +tell where it might be they all flew off skrikin, leavin' Sam to quietly +pool his "owd forrester," as he called him, aght ov his pocket an lap it +up ith net an come aght holdin' it at arms' length. Then away went th' +haasekeeper to tell th' mistress, an th' mistress to tell th' maister, +an in a varry few minits ivverybody abaat th' place wor ith kitchen, +standin in a ring wi Sam an th' rat ith middle. Sam wor a hero just +then, but to luk at his face yo'd fancy he hadn't sense enuff to know +it. Ov coorse ther wor nowt to gooid for Sam after that, an he'd allus +as mich to ait an drink as he could tuck into him an a hauf-a-craan +beside. Aw dooant know hah monny times he catched that rat, but aw do +know 'at he catched it three times i' one haase, an he tell'd me he made +as mich brass on it as monnya chap could mak wi a horse an cart. He'd a +deeal more queer tricks, but as he gate older he gave it up, for he said +it wor all vanity; an as he wanted to settle daan an leead a quiet life, +he tuk a beershop, an nah he amuses hiss en an his customers wi sittin' +at th' end oth langsettle an tellin' his experience, an if one hawf o' +what he says is true, when he dees he owt to be put under a glass shade +an stuck ith Halifax museum. + + + + +Owd Moorcock. + + +It's monny a long year sin what awm gooin to tell tuk place, but aw +remember it as weel as if it wor yesterday. He wor a queer sooart ov a +chap, wor owd Drake, an although some laft at him, an considered him an +oddity, ther wor a gooid deeal moor 'at believed him to be a born +genius. He wor a cobbler bi trade, an a varry gooid cobbler too, tho' +he'd nivver sarved his time to it; an altho' he'd had two or three gooid +chonces o' startin' business ith' taan, yet he allus shook his heead, an +sed he'd rayther goa on as he wor a bit longer. Th' fact wor he loved +his liberty, an he'd getten a noashun 'at if he left his little hooam i' +th' country, he'd leeav his freedom wi it. An it's hardly to be wondered +at, for his snug cot lukt th' pictur' o' comfort. It wor a one-stooary +buildin' wi a straw thack, an all th' walls wor covered wi honeysuckle +an' jessamine, an th' windows could hardly be seen for th' green leaves +'at hung as a veil i' th' front on 'em. Stooan-crop an haaseleek had +takken up a hooam i' th' gutter, an th' chimley wor ommost hid wi ivy. +It wor a queer-shaped place altogether--all nucks an corners--But it +wor just what suited David. They called him David Drake, tho' he wor +known best as Owd Moorcock. I' th' front wor a nice bit o' garden, allus +kept trim, an seldom withaat a show o' bloom o' one sooart or another; +an away to one side wor what he called his farm--a bit o' land abaat ten +yards wide, an twenty long--whear he grew his cabbages an puttates an +sich like; an all araand for miles wor moorland covered wi heather, an +stockt wi game, except at th' back ov his cot, whear a bluff-lukkin hill +sprang ommost straight up, makkin' a stranger feel afeeard lest it +should tak a fancy to topple over an' bury booath th' cot an all in it. +But if th' aghtside wor curious, th' inside wor a deal moor soa; an it +wornt to be wondered at if a gooid monny fowk paid David a visit when +they'd hauf a day to spare. He'd a wife--geniuses generally manage to +get a wife if they get nowt else, an it isn't allus 'at they mak th' +wisest choice; but David mud ha done war, for Dolly-o'-Dick's-o'-th'- +Dike, as shoo wor called, wor as queer a customer as her husband, an if +we're to believe what shoo says, if it hadn't ha been for her, Dave wod +ha been a poor lost craytur. Shoo didn't appreciate his genius that's +true, but wives as a rule niver do; but shoo let him have his own way, +an sometimes, when her wark wor done, shoo'd even help him wi some of +his fooilery. Aw'd heeard a gooid deal abaat 'em, soa one day aw +detarmined aw'd pay 'em a visit, soa, after gettin' off at th' Copley +Station, aw started to climb a rough, steep loin, moor like th' bed of a +beck nor owt else, but trees o' awther side hung over wol they met at +th' top, an made a cooil shade 'at wor varry welcome, for aw wor ommost +sweltered. After a long scramel aw fan misen o Norland Moor--an it wor a +seet worth tewing for, for th' heather wor i' bloom, an it lukt as if a +purple carpet had been laid for th' buzzards an bees to frolic on; an +ther wor sich a hum raand wol it saanded as if they wor playin' bass to +th' skylarks 'at wor warblin' up aboon. Aw struck aght in as straight a +line as aw could for David's, an havin come to th' garden gate, aw stopt +a minnit to admire th' flaars 'at covered th' graand an th' walls, an +even stretched far onto th' thack. Aw hadn't stood long when a voice +claise to my ear sed-- + +"Might yo be lukkin' for somdy?" + +"Are yo Mistress Drake?" aw axed. + +"Eea, aw believe aw am; but what might yo be wantin'? If yo've owt to +sell yo've comed to th' wrang shop, for brass is varry scarce here?" + +"Aw've nobbut comed to see yor maister," aw sed; "is he in?" + +"Nay, he isn't, an aw dooant know whear yo'll find him, for aw've niver +met him yet; but if it's awr Dave yo meean, he's inside, soa yo can walk +forrad, an if it's onny shoes yo want mendin', aw can see to that as +weel as him, for he's reckonin' to be thrang this afternoon?" + +"Aw've nobbut come to have a bit o' tawk," aw sed. + +"Oh, if that's all yo can come in; there's a deeal moor fowk come to +tawk to him nor what brings him any wark; but it's happen as weel, for +if it worn't for me bein' allus naggin' at him, he'd nivver get done th' +bit he does; an as it is, he's hammerin' away when he owt to be i' bed, +an' keepin' ivverybody else wakken; but aw've tried to taich him sense +wol aw'm fair stall'd, soa he mun goa his own gate an tak th' +consequences. Come yor ways; we's find him i' th' far raam makkin marks +an' spoilin' cleean paper." + +We went up a narrow passage, an as th' door wor oppen aw'd a gooid luk +at David an his raam befoor he saw me. It wor a varry little place, wi a +varry little winder, an hardly heigh enuff for a chap to stand up in, +and all th' walls wor covered wi picturs, an he wor set cloise to th' +winder hard at wark at another. He wor a short, fat +gooid-tempered-lukkin chap, wi a bald heead an just a bit o' white hair +hingin' daan like a fringe all raand, an his cheeks wor as red as a ripe +apple, an his hands, brooad an braan, show'd they'd had to face booath +wark an weather. As Dolly went in he lukt up an saw me. + +"Come in," he sed, "come in do, it's varry whut, sit yo daan. Whativer +browt ye up here to-day? Why, yo'll be ommost melted. Can yo sup some +buttermilk?" An he filled a glass 'at stood o' th' table, an handed it +to me. Aw swollered it, an then aw sed, "Aw thowt as aw'd a bit o' spare +time awd just come up an mak yor acquaintance, for awve heeard a gooid +deeal abaat yo, an happen yo'll nooan think onny war o' me for comin' bi +misel'." + +"Tha's done reight to come, lad; aw'm allus glad to see anybody pop in. +Aw wor just thrang makkin marks, as awr Dolly calls it, but, as awd +nivver onybody to taich me, awm feeared aw havn't getten th' reight way +o' gooin abaat it yet. Yo see all theeas picturs? Well, yo'll not think +mich on 'em, but sich as they are, they please me, an they niver ait +owt." + +"An what are ta shappin at nah?" sed Dolly. + +"This is to be th' erupshun o' Maant Vesuvius." + +"Why, what is it eruptin' for?" sed Dolly. "Aw guess it's like thee, +it's nowt better to do? Is that th' reason tha's put so mich brimston' +colour abaat it? Ther's nowt better nor brimston' an traitle for curin' +erupshuns." + +"Dolly, aw've tell'd thee for aboon twenty year 'at tha's noa taste +nobbut for summut to ait, an yond lad tak's after thee. Aw'd allus a +fancy for my lad to be an artist," he sed, turnin' to me, "but he seems +to care moor abaat hawkin' bits o' garden stuff; but then we am't all +born alike, an aw made up mi mind nivver to try to foorce him to owt 'at +he'd noa hankerin' after, for if aw'd had two trades to pick aght on, an +one on 'em had been cobblin, awst ha takken t'other whativver it had +been; but aw could ha liked mi lad to ha been summut better, for aw gave +him a gooid name when he wor kursened; but yo cannot order theeas things +as yo wod." + +"Noa; an it's a gooid job yo cannot, for aw've quite enuff to put up wi +to have thee messin' abaat as tha does; but aw know varry weel that lad +wod ha been a painter if tha'd had patience to taich him. But whear's +that pictur' he did paint? Tha'rt fond enuff o' shewin' thi own wark; +let's luk at somdy's else." + +"He nivver tried his hand but once, an it wor this," he sed, as he' +pooled one aght o' th' corner, "an when he showed it me aw'd to luk at +it for a long time befoor aw could tell what to mak on it, but at last +aw decided it wor a camel; but he wor soa mad 'at he sed he'd nivver +paint another so long as he lived, for it wor a drake. Soa, to prevent +onybody else makkin sich another mistak, aw've written on th' bottom' +This is a drake." + +"Tha can say what tha likes, David, but hawf a bad en, an if yo can +nobbut catch leets, aw'm sewer ther's monny a thing less like a drake +nor that. Dooant yo think soa?" shoo sed, turnin' to me. + +Aw sed aw thowt soa, too: an then David axed me to goa into his study, +"For yo mun know," he sed, "aw've a study, an a studio, an a museum, an +a wild beast show i, this haase, as little as it is." + +He led the way into another raam abaat as big as that we'd left, an +showed me a row o' shelves filled wi books, an a little table covered wi +papers; an aw tell'd him aw thowt he wor quite a literary sooart ov a +chap. + +"Why," he sed, "aw've allus been fond o' readin' sin aw wor a bit ov a +lad, an sometimes aw string a line or two together 'at jingles varry +nicely, an two or three times aw've had some printed i'th' papers. Mun, +it's varry nice to be able to sit daan an eease yor mind wi writin' a +bit, even if nubdy reads it. That lad o' mine cares nowt abaat it; aw +wish he did, for aw believe if he'd takken to study he'd ha been a +wonder, for he's a rare heead--it tak's a hat ommost as big as a +coil-skep to fit it. Aw gate him to try one time, an he wor a whole day +i' gettin' theeas four lines, aw allus keep 'em by me, for aw know he'll +nivver write ony moor.":-- + + 'Aw once wor lost on Norland Moor, + An' if aw'd ne'er been fun, + Mooast likely aw'st a been thear yet, + An nah mi tale is done.' + +"Tha'rt varry fond o' runnin daan them 'at belangs to thee," sed Dolly, +"an to hear thee tawk fowk ud think he could nivver do owt reight; but +if that isn't poetry, aw should like to know what is, for awm sewer +ther's a deeal more common sense in it nor ther is i' lots o' thine. But +thear he is gooin past th' winder, an he knows ther isn't a drop o' +watter i' th' haase, an aw can't bide to fotch ony. If he's like his +fayther i' nowt else he is i' leavin' ivverything for me to do; but +aw'll let him see different!" an throwing th' winder oppen, shoo yell'd +aght, "Rubensrembrandtvandyke Drake! Tha'll come in this minit, or else +aw'll warm thee!" An away shoo flew aght. + +"Whativver made yo call him sich a name as that?" aw axed. + +"Why, aw'd a fancy he'd be a cliver chap if he lived, an soa aw gave him +a cliver name; but if aw had it to do nah, aw think summat less wad ha +to fit him. But let's have a luk at th' museum." + +"Aw should like to hear one o' yor pieces," aw sed, "if yo'd be soa +gooid as to reead one." + +If that'll suit thee, aw'll reead one, an welcome. Ther's one here 'at +aw wor felterin' mi brain wi' last neet: + + 'Aw'm havin' a smook bi misel', + Net a soul here to spaik a word to, + Aw've noa gossip to hear nor to tell, + An ther's nowt I feel anxious to do. + + Aw've noa noashun o' writin' a line, + Tho' aw've jist dipt mi pen into th' ink, + Towards wor kin aw don't mich incline, + An aw'm ommost to lazy to think. + + Aw've noa riches to mak me feel vain, + An yet aw've as mich as aw need; + Aw've noa sickness to cause me a pain, + An noa troubles to mak mi heart bleed, + + Awr Dolly's crept off to her bed, + An aw hear shoo's beginnin' to snoor; + (That upset me when furst we wor wed, + But nah it disturbs me noa moor.) + + Like me, shoo taks things as they come, + Makkin th' best o' what falls to her lot, + Shoo's content wi her own humble hooam, + For her world's i' this snug little cot. + + We know 'at we're both growin' old, + But Time's traces we hardly can see; + An tho' fifty years o'er us have roll'd, + Shoo's still th same young Dolly to me. + + Her face may be wrinkled an grey, + An her een may be losin' ther shine, + But her heart's just as leetsum to-day + As it wor when aw first made her mine. + + Aw've mi hobbies to keep mi i' toit, + Aw've noa whistle nor bell to obey, + Aw've mi wark when aw like to goa to it, + An mi time's all mi own, neet an day. + + An tho' some pass mi by wi a sneer, + An some pity mi lowly estate, + Aw think aw've a deealless to fear + Nor them 'at's soa wealthy an great. + + When th' sky stretches aght blue an breet, + An th' heather's i' blossom all raand, + Makkin th' mornin's cooi! breezes smell sweet, + As they rustle along ovver th' graand. + + When aw listen to th' lark as he sings + Far aboon, ommost lost to mi view, + Aw lang for a pair ov his wings, + To fly wi him, an sing like him, too. + + When aw sit under th' shade ov a tree, + Wi mi book, or mi pipe, or mi pen, + Aw think them 'at's sooary for me + Had far better pitty thersen. + + When wintry storms howl ovver th' moor, + An snow covers all, far an wide, + Aw carefully festen mi door, + An creep claise up to th' fire inside. + + A basin o' porridge may be, + To some a despisable dish, + But it allus comes welcome to me, + If aw've nobbut as mich as aw wish + + Mi cloas are old-fashioned, they say, + An aw havn't a daat but it's true; + Yet they answer ther purpose to-day + Just as weel as if th' fashion wor new. + + Let them 'at think joys nobbut dwell + Wheear riches are piled up i' stoor, + Try to get a gooid share for thersel', + But leave me mi snug cot up o' th' moor + + Mi 'bacca's all done, soa aw'll creep + Off to bed, just as quiet as a maase + For if Dolly's disturbed ov her sleep, + Ther'n be a fine racket i' th' haase. + + Aw mun keep th' band i' th' nick if aw can, + For if shoo gets her temper once crost, + All comforts an joys aw may plan + Is just soa mich labour 'at's lost. + +"Weel, aw call that a varry nice piece; an if yo're aullus soa +contented, yo must have a happy time on it." + +"Awm happy enuff as things goa, an aw dar say aw'm as contented as th' +mooast; but it isn't allus safe to judge ov a chap bi what he writes, +for fowk often pen what they'd like things to be nor what they find 'em +to be." + +He led th' way into another raam 'at wor filled wi boxes full o' +butterflies, an buzzards, an twitch clocks, an rare an praad he wor on +'em; an then he showed me what he called his wild beeasts, but they wor +tame enuff, for they wor nowt but catterpillers, but aw believe ther wor +thaasands on 'em, all alive an feedin o' one sooart o' stuff or another; +an he tell'd me they ait a barraload o' greens ivvery day. He said he +kept 'em till they come into butterflies, an then he cured 'em an sent +'em away to London an sometimes to Paris. Th' year befoor he sent 15,000 +to one man. "Soa, yo see, awm a butterfly merchant as weel as a +cobbler," he sed. + +As we wor lukkin at 'em Dolly coom up to tell us we'd better goa to us +drinkin' if we wanted ony, for, as Rubensrembrantvandyke had started, +ther'd varry sooin be nooan left. We tuk her advice, an awm thankful to +say ther wor plenty for us all, an when we'd finished we went an sat ith +garden, an David filled his pipe an sed if awd noa objections he'd tell +me hah it happened 'at he coom to live oth moor, an th' reason fowk +called him Owd Moorcock. Aw sed nowt could suit me better, soa he began. + +"Yo mun know," sed David, "'at befoor aw gate wed an coom to live here, +aw lived in a little haase in a fold cloise to Halifax Parish +Church,--it isn't thear nah, for it's been pool'd daan to mak way for +improvements o' differernt sooarts,--an awd an idea at that time 'at aw +should like to live thear all mi life, an awd noa thowts aw should iver +get wed." + +"Its a pity tha ivver altered thi mind," said Dolly. + +"Well, happen soa,--but let me tell mi tale i' mi awn way an it'll be +finished soa mich sooiner. One Setterdy aw donn'd misen up i' mi Sundy +clooas an went for a walk throo th' market, an when aw coom to th' +butter-cross aw saw a chap 'at had a cock an two hens in a basket for +sale, an he offered 'em to me for ten shillin'. 'Ten fiddlesticks!' aw +sed, 'awl gie thee five,' an he put on a luk as if awd stab'd him to th' +heart, an begun tellin' me hah mich they'd cost him, an 'at he'd nivver +ha tried to sell 'em but he wor behund wi his rent, an wor foorced to +pairt wi 'em to keep th' bums aght, an he assured me they wor layin' +ivvery day. But th' fact wor, aw didn't want 'em at onny price, for aw'd +noa place to put 'em, an aw tell'd him soa. 'Well,' he sed, 'gie me +three hawf craans an tha shall have 'em, for aw think tha'll luk weel +after 'em an aw wodn't like 'em to be ooined.' 'Nay,' aw sed, 'aw weant +gie aboon five shillin', for awm nooan i' want on 'em.' 'If tha weant, +tha weant,' he sed, soa that settles it, but awd rayther let th' bums +tak away nearly ivvery stick aght o'th' haase nor awd take a farden less +nor seven shillin'; that's th' lowest aw ivver will tak, an if tha +doesn't buy'em at that price tha'll rue, for tha'll niver have sich a +chonce ageean.' 'Well, then, awst be like to rue,' aw sed, 'for aw weant +gie thee a hawpny moor nor five shilin'.' 'Tha'rt a hard un,' he sed, +'but If tha'll promise me tha'll treat 'em weel, an at tha'll nivver +tell anybody what tha's gien for 'em, tha shall have 'em for six +shillin'; nah, tha cannot say noa to that. Two hens an' a cock! Why it's +nobbut two shillin' a-piece, an they're as cheap as muck at hawf a +sovrin' aw think tha doesn't understand th' hen trade. Awm fair sham'd +to offer' em at sich a price, an awm sewer aw hardly dar goa hooam wi +th' brass." 'Nay,' aw sed, 'one word's just as gooid as a thaasand wi +me, an awl stick to what aw sed, an if yo like to tak five shillin' awl +buy' em, an if net yo can keep' em.' 'Tak' em wi thee,' he sed; soa aw +pottered aght five shillin', an he began bawlin' 'Sowld agean' an aw had +'em under mi arms ommost afoor aw knew what aw wor dooin, an as aw wor +walkin' away he pool'd me to one side to luk at another basketful. +'Nah,' he sed, 'yo'd better buy theeas, yo can have 'em at th' same +price, an they're better nor them. Wod yo like a two-or-three ducks or a +couple o' pigeons?' 'Aw want noa moor to-day,' aw sed, 'but awst like to +know if all theeas belang to yo?' 'All tha sees i' this row belangs to +me,' he sed, 'an if tha wants onny tha'll finnd me here ivery Setterdy, +an awl sell thee owt aw have at thi own price,' 'Well aw should think +yo'll be able to keep th' bums off if yo sell all them,' aw sed, an aw +started for hooam, but somehah aw didn't feel just as weel suited wi mi +bargain as aw thowt aw should, an aw wor bothered aboon a bit wi +wonderin' whear to put 'em, for awd noa room for 'em nobbut ith cellar, +an that wor as dark as a booit, but, hahivver, aw thowt they'd be a bit +o' company for me, for aw wor oft varry looansome, an aw should be able +to have a fresh egg for mi braikfast whenivver aw liked. As sooin as aw +gate hooam aw lit a cannel an went into th' cellar, takkin care to shut +th' door after me, an then aw unteed ther legs an set 'em at liberty. +They worn't a varry prime lot, but aw didn't care for that, for it wor +th' eggs aw wanted. Th' cock gave hissen a shak, an set up sich a +cock-a-doodle-doo wol aw wor ommost deeafened--aw nivver heeard sich a +voice i' mi life--if he'd been trained he'd ha been a rare leeader for a +rorytory--an wol aw wor wonderin' if it ud be safe to leeav 'em as they +wor wol aw went to fotch 'em some screenins, one oth hens flew onto th' +shelf whear aw kept all mi jock an stuff. 'That'll niver do,' aw thowt, +soa aw went towards it to tak it off, when th' cock tried to foller, an +wafted th' cannel aght wi his wings an let fair at th' top o' my heead, +so aw grabbed at th' shelf to steady misen, when daan it coom wi all th' +plates an pots, an sich a clatter an crash yo'd ha thowt th' haase had +tummeld. Th' milk wor all spilt, an th' breead an cheese wor rollin' +amang th' coils, an a bowl o' broth had emptied itsen onto th' front o' +mi clean shirt, an aw wor sylin weet throo mi neck to mi feet. Th' hens +wor chuckin' i' different corners, an th' cock started crowin' laader bi +th' hawff, an aw tried mi best to groap mi way up th' steps into th' +haase. Aw managed at last, an if yo could ha seen me as' aw lukt just +then, yo'd ha believed aw should niver be able 'to get cleean agean. Mi +heead wor covered wi mail, an mi clooas wor sooaked wi broth an +ornamented wi bits o' chopt carrots, an turnips, an onion skins, an hawf +a pund o' butter wor stickin' to one booit heel an pairt ov a suet +dumplin' to t'other, an as aw wor standin' wonderin' which end to begin +at to set things straight, a young woman 'at lived next door coom in to +ax me if awd been buyin' some hens, for shoo'd heeard th' cock crowin', +an when shoo saw me i' sich a pickle shoo held up her hands an skriked +as if awd getten mi throit cut. 'Whativver has ta been dooin?' shoo sed. +'Tha'rt fair flaysum to luk at.' Shut th' door, Dorothy,' aw sed, 'an +come in an see if yo can help me aght o' this mess;' soa she put th' +door to, an aw tell'd her all hah it had happened. 'Why,' shoo sed, 'tha +mun tak all thi clooase off, for they'll have to goa into th' +tub-ther'll nowt ivver get that greeas off but bailin' watter an weshin +licker; goa upstairs an get 'em all off an fling 'em daan to me, an awl +see if aw can do owt wi 'em.' 'Awl pay yo whativver yo charge,' aw sed, +'an if aw dooant screw yond cock an hens' necks raand it'll be becoss +awve changed mi mind!' 'O tha'll manage weel enuff wi 'em after this,' +shoo sed, 'tha knows th' hen trade is like ivverything else, it wants +sombdy 'at understands it; but that cock's a rare voice; is it a young +un? Sithee, th' childer's standin' ith middle oth yard wonderin' wheal +th' noise comes throo.' + +Aw went up stairs an tuk off all mi clooas an threw' em daan to +Dorothy, an a grand lot they lukt, an awd just pool'd on mi warty +britches when shoo called aght, 'David, David! I come this minnit! Th' +childer's oppend th' cellar winder an letten th' cock aght!' Daan stairs +aw flew withaat stoppin' to festen mi gallowses or put mi booits on, an +as sooin as aw went aght th' lads set up a shaat an th' cock flew into a +chamber winder at t'other side o' th' yard. Th' naybors all coom runnin' +aght, an Dorothy foller'd me wi mi clooas tukt under her arm, an a shirt +sleeve an a britches slop trailin' behund her. Aw ran into th' haase +after th' cock, an' withaat spaikin a word to Sam or his dowter, 'at wor +just at ther dinner, aw baanced upstairs and shut th' winder to mak sure +'at it couldn't get aght, an then aw called aght, 'It's nobbut me, Sam, +my new cock's flown into your window, an awve coom'd for it, wi ta help +me to catch it?' 'Why, has ta nobbut just getten aght o' bed? Aw think +it ud seem thee better to put thi clooas on befoor tha cooms runnin' +into a body's haase this fashion, scarin' ivverybbody aght o' ther +wits.' + +'Yo mun excuse me this time,' aw sed, 'its noa fault o' mine. Come an +help me to catch this chap.' Soa they booath coom up, but that cock had +made up his mind net to be catched, an he'd peearkt up fair at top oth +bed heead, an he set up another crow wi as mich impudence as if he'd +been on his own middin. Sam made a grab at it, an it flew to th' +winder-bottom, upsettin two plant-pots, an we all made a rush for it, +but it slipt past an swept all th' chany ornaments off th' mantel-shelf +an made a dive at th' chimley, an away it went aght oth seet. Th' lass +skrikt wi all her might, an Sam shaated, an aw made as mich din as aw +could tryin' to keep 'em quiet, an th' cock screamed ith chimley wor nor +a railway whistle. Bi this time ther wor a craad o' thirty or forty fowk +aghtside, an they wor callin aght for th' police, for they seemed to +think ther wor one or two gettin' murdered at least, an things began to +luk serious. 'Tha'll have a bonny penny to pay for this,' sed Sam. 'Ha +can ta feshun? Just luk at all them ornaments brokken to bits, an th' +plants an stuff destroyed! Tak that cock aght oth chimley an get aght o' +here as sharp as tha can, an nivver let me see thee nor owt belangin to +thee agean!' Aw sed nowt, for aw saw he wor riled, an aw didn't wonder +at it, soa aw put mi hand up th' flue, an aw could feel its legs, but it +seemed to be wedged fast. 'It's here,' aw sed, 'but awm feeard aw can't +get it withaat hurtin' it.' + +'Ger aght oth gate,' he sed, 'aw care nowt abaat hurtin' it! Awl stir +it, or else awl rive it's legs off!' an he shov'd his arm up, an daan it +coom an browt all th' sooit wi it, an flapt it into us faces wol we wor +ommost smoored. + +Aw seized hoid oth burd an made th' best o' my way aghtside, an as +sooin as aw showed mi face ther wor a reglar yell, an they all +squandered to let me pass. Th' chaps had getten pooakers an tangs, an +th' wimmen wor armed wi umbrellas an tooastin forks, an then aw turned +raand an axed 'em whot ther wor to do. Just then Sam an his dowter coom +aght, an when they saw me ommost undrest, wi mi face grimed wi sooit an +mi heead whitened wi mail, an Sam an his lass lukkin varry little +better, it set some oth chaps laffin, an aw went inside an festened th' +door, an puffin' an blowin' like a brokken-winded horse, aw sat daan +convinced 'at that chap wor reight when he sed aw knew nowt abaat th' +hen trade. + +But th' noise aghtslde gate laader, an th' wimmen's voices wor raised +to th' screamin' pitch, soa aw ventured to luk aght, an' thear wor poor +Dorothy ith middle ov a duzzen wimmen 'at wor shakkin ther umbrellas an +tooastin forks ovver her heead, wol one on em wor holdin' up mi Sundy +shirt, an other two wor tryin' to divide mi breeches between 'em, an +ther wor sich a hullaballoo as yo nivver heeard. 'Tha's war nor him bi +th' hawf!' sed one. 'What business as shoo wi his dooas under her arm, +aw should like to know. It's a disgrace to ivvery woman ith fold, that's +what it is!' sed another; an aw began to see 'at that cock had been th' +meeans o' gettin' her into trouble as well as me. + +Aw thowt th' best thing aw could do wor to leeave 'em to settle it +amang thersen, soa aw went an gate weshed an donned, an it seems bi th' +time aw wor ready to goa aght they'd managed to get hold oth reight end +oth tale, an aw wor met wi a shaat o' laffin throo th' men, an even th' +wimmen smiled, tho' some on 'em shook ther heeads in a mysterious sooart +ov a way, as mich as to gie me to understand 'at they'd let me off that +once, but if awd onny desire to keep ther gooid opinion awd better net +get into another scrape oth same sooart. Aw knew they threw a gooid deal +o' blame onto poor Dorothy, an aw wor varry sooary it wor soa, for shoo +wor a nice quiet young woman, an tewed hard to keep hersen respectable, +an noabdy hed a word to say agean her, nobbut shoo kept a tom-cat 'at +worn't partiklar whooas dish he put his nooas in. + +Aw nivver went near them hens agean wol Mundy mornin'. Aw knew they wor +in a land flowing wi broth an breead, but ther wor noa fear on me +forgettin' 'em, for that cock crowed wol he wor hooarse. Ther wornt one +chap i' that fold 'at worn't up i' time for his wark o' Mundy mornin', +an as for misen awd hardly a wink o' sleep all th' neet. + +Aw wor foorced to stop in all th' day o' Sundy, becoss o' mi clooas +bein' at Dorothy's, an when Mundy coom aw went daan ith cellar an cut' +em all their heeads off, an detarmined to cook 'em all three an invite +th' wimmen to ther drinkin', an see if aw couldn't mak things pleasant +ageean. Aw saw a nay bar hingin' up some clooas, soa aw tell'd her what +aw intended to do, an awd noa need to mention it to onnybody else, for +th' news hed flown to ivvery haase i' less nor five minnits. + +Dorothy browt me mi clooas back o' Tuesdy, an they luk'd ommost as +gooid as new, an aw invited' em all to ther drinkin' for Fridy neet, an +then aw went an bowt two pot dogs an a stag for Sam's dowter, an aw wor +luk'd on as th' king oth fold. It wor a varry little haase for abaat +twenty fowk, but aw cleared all aght, an put tables ith middle an cheers +raand th' sides, an contrived raam for 'em all. Aw dooant think yo ivver +hed onny experience i' cookin' for yorsen, nivver name cookin' for other +fowk, but aw considered misen a varry gooid hand, an aw can assure yo +when aw stewed them hens an rooasted th' cock, an boiled some puttates, +an made a pile o' tooast, an some strong teah flavored wi rum, 'at it +wor a set aght net to be despised. + +All wor ready an promised for a success, an aw could see th' wimmen +bobbin' aght o' one door into another wi ther new caps on, an aw saw bi +th' clock 'at it nobbut wanted a quarter ov an haar befoor they'd be all +thear, sea aw tuk a can an went to th' pump for some clean watter, so as +we could keep th' kettle filled up, an aw left th' door oppen. Aw wornt +aboon a minnit away, but as aw wor comin' back, what should aw see but +that tom-cat o' Dorothy's comin' aght oth door wi abaat hawf a hen in +his maath. Away it ran hooam an me after it; net 'at aw cared soa mich +abaat th' loss oth mait, for aw knew we should hey enuff, but aw wor mad +to think 'at after all mi trouble to cook it aw should be served i' sich +a way. + +Dorothy wor upstairs, an away it went to her, but aw didn't foller, for +awd net forgetten th' bother awd been in at Sam's; but wimmen's all +alike, they can nivver keep ther maath shut, an noa sooiner did shoo see +it nor shoo set up a screeam an, ov coarse, that wor th' signal for +ivvery woman ith fold to fly aght, for they wor all set waitin' for th' +time for ther drinkin'. 'Ger aght wi thee! Tha nasty thief!' shoo sed, +an aw could hear her chasin' it raand an raand, singin' aght, 'Ha can ta +fashion, tha nasty gooid-fer-nowt? Awl hey thee hung for it befoor +tha'rt a day older!' Daanstairs it coom ageean, an aw oppen'd th' door +an ran it aght, an as aw foller'd it th' wimmen rushed past me in a body +an all cried aght at once, 'What's he been dooin to thee, Dorothy? Shame +on him!' Aw went into mi awn haase, an left Dorothy to mak what +explanation shoo thowt best, for aw felt sewer aw should mak matters war +if aw stopt. Aw dooant know what shoo sed, but they sooin all coom in +laffiin an tawkin, tho' nah an then throwin' aght a sly hint at Dorothy +an me, but aw wor too thrang to tak mich noatice, an' shoo'd moor sense. +As they wor all wed fowk but her an me, it wor agreed 'at shoo should +sarve aght th' teah, an' awd to sarve th' mait an stuff. They made a +gooid deal o' fun, an th' braan creeam helpt th' teah daan famously, th' +tooast seem'd ommost to melt away, an th' stewed hens didn't last long, +but th' cock didn't seem to be in as mich favor. Noabdy wanted helpin' +twice, an as awd taen a deeal a' pains to cook it aw felt rayther +disappointed. 'Nan get on an mak a gooid drinkin',' aw says; 'does +onnybody say a bit moor o' this cock?' But it wor all noa use, aw axd +'em an axd 'em wol aw wor fair stalled, an th moor aw tried to persuade' +em an th' moor they laft. + +'Just thee try a bit thisen,' sed one, 'an then tha'll see hah it is we +want noa moor: Soa aw tried a bit, an awl be blest if it wornt like +gutty percha. Awd some varry gooid teeth, but they could do nowt wi it. +Aw wor varry soary abaat it, but it couldn't be helpt, an they all sed +they'd nivver had a better drinkin' i' ther life, soa one or two helpt +me to side th' table an straighten up a bit, for ther husbands wor all +ta coom an hey a smook an a drop o' summat short after they'd eoom throo +ther wark. + +'What mun aw do wi what's left o' this rooast cock?' aw sed. + +'Give it to Dorothy's tom-cat!' sed Sam's dowter. + +'If it gets its teeth fast it'll pull its heead off!' sed another. + +'An mich matters if it did,' sed owd Sarah; 'for it's a plague i' this +fold, for yo can keep nowt aght ov it's rooad.' + +'Aw think th' best plan ud be,' sed Sam, as he popp'd in his heead, 'for +David an Dorothy to mak it up between' em, an then we'll all join an +give' em a weddin' dinner, for awm sewer ther booath looansome, an as +David's hed noa luck wi his poultry, an Dorothy's cat's allus getten her +i' trouble, aw think nah as yo've swallered th' poultry shoo should hang +th' cat, an then they could mak a fair start ith world, an aw believe +ther isn't a nayhor 'at willn't gladly give 'em a lift.' + +'This seemed to fall in wi ivverybody's ideas except mine and Dorothy's, +an we sed nowt. Th' chaps coom in a bit, an a reight jolly lot they wor, +an when th' wimmen tell'd 'em what a toff owd customer th' cock hed +turned aght, they sed it ud be a gooid name for me, soa they kursened me +Moorcock, an awve been known bi that name ivver sin. Yo'd hardly think' +at Dorothy wod have agreed to become Dolly Drake, but shoo did, an th' +naybors wor as gooid as ther word, an when we gate wed we sat daan to as +grand a dinner as ivver yo'd wish to see, an monny a little thing we +have nah 'at wor gein to us then towards haasekeepin'. + +"But some way or other soa monny fowk gate to know abaat her tom-cat, an +they used to come ta Iuk at it, far shoo wadn't hang it, an they made +sich gam abaat it wol we coom up to this quiet corner, pairtly to get +aght oth gate on 'em, an pairtly becoss aw anlls liked th' country best, +soa here we are, just as yo see us, an here it's varry likely we shall +stop till one on us is fotched away in a black box. Th' owd tom-cat's +deead, an aw stuffed it, an yo can see it at top oth clock, so nah 'Yo +know th' reason awm called 'Owd Moorcock.'" + +"Ther's nivver noa end to thy tongue when it gets runnin'," sed Dolly: +"th' supper's been ready for long enuff, an if tha hasn't tawkt him +booath hungry an dry bi this time he's able to stand it better nor me." + +We knocked th' ashes aght ov us pipes an went in to supper. It did'nt +last long, an after thankin' 'em for ther hospitality an information aw +shook hands an bid 'em gooid neet, an it'll be a long time befoor aw +forget mi visit to, "Owd Moorcock." + + + + +Peace Makkin. + + +"Honest confession is gooid for th' soul," they say, an aw may as weel +confess at once 'at awve been a fooil. Happen yo'll say "that's nowt +fresh," but beggin' for pardon this is summat fresh. Yo'll happen think +'at awve been bettin' at Donkeystir Races, or 'at awve been bun for a +chap in a money club, or 'at awve bowt a share in a manufacturin' +company, limited, or 'at awve started th' newspaper business, or takken +a hotel, or 'at awve joined th' Mormons, or 'at awve getten into a law +suit. But whichivver yo'd guessed yo'd be sewer to be 'wrang. All awve +been tryin' to do has been to act as a peeace makker, an if awd carried +it on for onny length o' time, aw should ha been made into sich a lot o' +pieces misen 'at it wod ha takken a besom to sweep me up. + +Just anent awr haase lives a old cross-grained chap 'at's getten wed to +a varry nice lass, an' as he's a bit o' brass an' shoo's a lump o' +beauty, yo'd think they should live together as happy as two turtle +doves. But awm sooary to say 'at sich isn't th' case, for they generally +get up abaat hawf-past eight an have a feight befoor nine. Awm a varry +tender-hearted sooart ov a customer, an awm sewer it's monny a time made +mi heart bleed to see an hear ther goins on. Somehah or other awd allus +sided wi th' wife, tho' aw nivver knew what th' rows have been abaat, an +ov coorse soa long as they kept 'em i' ther own haase aw couldn't +interfere. But t'other day, abaat a wick sin, they wor gooin it war an +war, an shoo coom runnin' into th' street wi her hair all daan an her +gaon ommost riven off her back, an he rushed aght after her wi a +umbrella in his hand, strikin' at her reight an left, all all shoo had +to protect hersen wi wor th' rollin' pin. Thinks aw to misen, this +sooart o' thing has gooan far enuff, an as awd just been readin' abaat +th' "atrocities," aw fancied misen England an him Turkey an her a poor +Bulgarian, an aw determined awr wodn't see a poor inoffensive young +woman ill-treated bi a brute like that, soa just as he wor gettin' ready +to strike her daan into th' eearth, aw stept behund him an planted mi +naive at th' back ov his ear, an he rolled ovver like a skittle pin. +Just as he fell awd an idea 'at awd been struck wi leetnin or else ther +wor an eearthquake, for a summat dropped onto mi heead wi sich a foorce +'at aw saw some oth grandest fireworks awd ivver seen, an aw sat daan wi +sich a bang 'at awm sewer aw must ha left mi impression pratty deep +somewhear. When aw began to collect mi scattered thowts aw saw her +standin' ovver me quaverin' th' rollin' pin aboon mi heead to prevent +onnybody hittin' me ageean. When aw gate up aw began to reason wi misen +as to what had been to do, an aw couldn't help thinkin' 'at that rollin' +pin hed summat to do wi th' lump o' mi heead. Aw felt sooary then 'at +awd been soa rash as to knock th' old chap daan, an aw went to beg his +pardon an sympathise wi him. + +"Shoo's a shocker," he sed, "ther's nubdy knows what aw have to put up +wi. Shoo ill-uses me throo morn to neet, an awm feeard o' mi life." Just +then shoo made a dash at him as if shood made up her mind to knock his +heead cleean off, soa aw catched hold ov her arm an gave her a swing +raand 'at landed her just abaat th' same spot 'at awd left a minit +befoor. Aw dooant know whether ivver yo've been hit at top oth heead wi +a old-fashioned umbrella or net, but if yo have, yo know it's nooan a +varry pleasant thing, for it seems to strike you i' three or four places +at once. Whether th' owd chap hit me in a mistak or he did it o' purpose +awve niver had th' chance to find aght, for things seem'd to get a gooid +deeal mixt just abaat that that time, an all aw know is 'at awve been i' +bed for ommost a wick, an awm soa stiff yet wol aw can hardly stir. One +hawf o' mi heead is covered wi stickin' plaister, an awm covered wi +black an blue marks throo mi neck to mi knees. As aw sit at th' winder +suppin' mi gruel, aw can hear th' rows gooin on across th' street just +as usual, an if they keep at it wol aw interfere agean they willn't have +to drop it just yet, for it's towt me 'at it's best to let fowk feight +ther own battles, for when it's nobbut one to one they've booath a +chonce, but when it's two to one it's vary oft rough for th' one. + + + + +Awr Emma--A False Alarm. + + +"Aw dooan't know what tha thinks abaat it, Isaac, but aw know ther's +summat nooan reight. Aw went to see awr Emma last neet, an' shoo doesn't +luk a bit like hersen: an' if shoo hadn't been rooarin' awl nivver trust +mi een agean. It's some sooart o' bother shoo's havin' wi' yond felly o' +hers, depend on't. Aw warned her enuff befoar shoo gate wed, an' tawk'd +to her wol aw wor fair stall'd, but nowt 'ud do but shoo mud have him, +an' if shoo hasn't getten her hands full aw'm capt." + +"Why, lass, aw dooan't know what reason tha has for sayin' soa, for aw'm +sewer they seem varry comfortable together, an' aw've nivver heeard her +say a word agean him, an' he seems as steady as old gold. Shoo wor +happen low spirited last neet, or had a bit o' th' heead wark." + +"Tha needn't try to lap it up; aw can guess eggs when aw see shells, an' +aw know as well as if shoo'd tell'd me wi' her own lips 'at ther's +summat at's nooan reight. Shoo's far too gooid for him, an' aw all us +sed soa, an' if shoo'd ha' ta'en my advice shoo'd ha' waited wol shoo'd +met wi' som'dy fitter for her. But shoo's thy temper to nowt, an' if +shoo sets her mind on a thing, it's noa moor use tawkin' to her nor +spittin' aght. Aw'm nooan soa mich up o' theas chaps 'at's as steady as +old gold: they're varry oft moor decaitful bi th' hauf, an' when aw come +to think on it, aw remember he didn't behave just as aw could ha' liked +him if he'd just been wed to me, th' first day they wor wed, for he'd +hardly a word to say to awr Emma at dinner time, but he could gabble +fast enuff to that lass o' Amos's, an' if shoo wor a child o' mine aw'd +awther tak' some o' that consait aght on her or else aw'd tak' th' skin +off her back." + +"Tha'rt too perticlar bi hauf. Tha allus luks at th' black side o' +ivverything. Tha may depend on't awr Emma knows what shoo's dooin', an' +tha'd far better leave 'em to feight it aght thersen if ther's owt +wrang, for tha knows it nivver does to interfere between man an' wife, +tha tell'd me that monny a year sin' when mi mother sed a word to thee." + +"Eea, but that wor a varry different matter, for thi mother knew tha'd +getten a wife wi' a deeal moor sense nor thee, an' a deeal moor feelin' +too, for aw believe tha cares noa moor for yond lass o' thine nor if +shoo wor nowt related to thi': but aw'm different, an' if that +gooid-fer-nowt 'at shoo's thrown hersen away on, doesn't treat her as he +owt to do, aw'l mak this taan too hot for him, or my' name isn't +Angelina!" + +"Why, lass, tha can do as tha likes, but aw think tha'll find it best to +let 'em manage ther own affairs, an' aw dooan't suppooas awr Emma 'll +get throo this life withaat a bit o' trubble nah an' then same as other +fowk. Aw'm sewer aw connot; an' shoo's noa better nor me." + +"Isn't shoo? But if aw thowt shoo worn't, aw'd nivver own her as one o' +mine! But aw'd like to know what trubble tha's ivver had except what +tha's browt o' thisen wi' thi own contraryness an' fooilishness? If +ivver ther wor a chap 'at went throo' this world wi' silver slippers +it's thee, for tha's ivverything done to thi hand, an' aw've been a +slave to thee ever sin aw gat thee, an' nivver had ony thanks for it +nawther; but aw dooan't want awr Emma to be trampled into th' earth as +aw've been, an' shoo shalln't be, if aw know on it, for aw'l fotch her +back hooam an' sharply too." + +"Aw tell thi tha can do just as tha's a mind, an' aw'm sewer aw didn't +know tha had been trampled on, for tha's been booath maister and +mistress i' this shop ivver sin aw knew thi." + +"Eea an' aw meean to be booath maister an' mistress, an' if tha'd a +heart i' thi belly as big as a beean tha wodn't sit daan quietly as tha +does, when tha hears 'at one o' thi own flesh an' blooid is pining +away." + +"Aw didn't know shoo wor pining away, for aw'm sewwer shoo's gettin' as +fat as a pig, an' aw think it'll be time enuff to interfere when shoo +grummels hersen." + +"Tha tawks like a fooil, Isaac, an' aw've tell'd thi so over an' over +agean. Tha knows shoo isn't like thee, at cries aght befoar tha'rt hurt, +but aw'l waste noa moor wind o' thee for aw'l put on mi bonnet an' shawl +an' goa up to their haase this minit, an' see if aw can't find aght +what's to do, an' try to put things into a reight shap'." Soa shoo put +on her things an' leavin' Isaac to luk after th' stew 'at wor i' th' +oven, shoo sailed off in a famous flurry to have a tawk wi' Emma. It +wor'nt monny minits walk, an' as shoo put th' speed on shoo managed to +get thear befoar her temper cooiled, an' oppenin' th' door shoo stept in +an' sed, "Nah, Emma, lass, aw've come to see ha' tha art this mornin'?" + +"Aw'm first rate, mother," sed Emma, "Aw'm rare an' glad to see yo', but +what's browt yo' here this mornin'?" + +"Aw know tha artn't furst rate, an' it's noa use thee tellin' me 'at tha +art, for aw've com'd here to know th' truth, an' aw'm detarmined tha +shall tell me, for aw've hardly been able to sleep a wink sin aw wor +here last neet, an' aw've been tawkin' to thi father this mornin', but +one mud just as well whistle jigs to a mile-stoop an' expect it to dance +as tawk to him an' expect to get ony sense aght on him, but aw want to +know what bother tha's been havin' wi' that felly o' thine an' what he'd +been dooin' to thi 'at made thee soa sorrowful last neet? Nah, dooan't +goa raand th' corners, but come straight to th' point. Aw've nooan been +wed all theas years but what aw know what poor wives have to put up wi'. +Has he been drinkin'?" + +"Nay, mother, yo' munnot tawk like that, for aw'm sewer ther' wor nivver +a better man tied to a woman nor my Bob, an' yo' know he's a +teetotaller, soa ther's noa fear on him gooin' on th' spree." + +"Aw'm nooan soa sewer abaat that, an' if he doesn't drink he varry +likely does war. Mun, aw know what men are, an' tha has it to leearn +yet. Tha'n screen him all tha can, aw know that, just same as aw have to +do thi father, but tha connot deceive me, aw've lived to' long to be +easily chaited." + +"Aw dooan't want to chait yo', mother, an' aw've nought to screen Bob +for, for aw dooan't know 'at he's a fault, unless it is his thinkin' soa +mich o' me." + +"A'a, poor fooilish 'child! He thinks nooan too mich o' thee, net he +marry! He doesn't think hauf enuff, or else he'd nooan goa on as he +does! Aw tak' noa noatice o' ther coaxin' an' fondlin'; it's all +mak'-believe, an' as long as they can manage to get all they want for a +soft word or two they'll give yo' plenty on 'em, but aw know' em, an' +they can't come ovver me. Ther' isn't a pin to choose amang th' best on +'em, for they're all as full o' decait as an egg's full o' mait. But aw +want to know what wor th' reason tha wor lukkin' soa cut-up and +daan-trodden last neet?" + +"Why, mother, you're altogether wrang this time. Aw wor raythur low +spirited last neet, but it's nowt yo' can blame him for, for aw'm sewer +he works hard ivvery day, an' if he doesn't haddle as mich as he did +it's noa fault o' his. An' this last two or three wicks his wage has +been less bi five shillin' nor it used to be, an' at th' price o' mait +an' stuff nah, it's hard wark to mak' ends meet, an' what aw wor +trubbled abaat last neet wor becoss aw'd nowt to set him for his supper +except a basin o' porrige, an' that isn't mich for a chap 'at's been +tewin' all th' day, tho' he nivver says a wrang word what ther' is." + +"An' what should he grummel for, aw'st like to know? Bless mi life if he +had to goa withaat for a time or two what bi that? Ther's better fowk +nor him had to goa baaht supper befoor to-day! He gets as gooid stuff as +thee, an' better too, aw'l be bun' for't! But aw should like to know ha' +it is 'at his wage is five shillin' a wick less nor it wor, for aw've +heeard nowt abaat ony on 'em bein' bated, an' aw should ha' done if they +had, for ther's two or three lives i' awr street 'at works at th' same +shop, an' they'd ha' been safe to tell me. But what does he say abaat +it?" + +"He's nivver sed nowt, an' aw've nivver ax'd him, for he allus gives me +all he has ov a Friday neet, an' aw mak' it do as weel as aw can." + +"Raillee! Emma! aw think tha gets less wit ivvery day! Ha' can ta' tell +what he's dooin' wi that five shillin' a wick if tha nivver axes him? +But tha mun ax him! It's thi duty! Depend on't he's spendin' it i' some +way 'at's nooan too gooid, or else he'd let thee know. But it's thy +affair, net mine; aw've nowt to do wi' it, an' aw've net com'd to +interfere; but aw should like to know if tha's seen Amos's dowter +lately?" + +"Shoo wor here this mornin' befoor yo' coom. Shoo luks in for a minit or +two nab an' then." + +"Oh! Has ta' noaticed whether shoo's getten owt new latly?" + +"Eea, shoo'd a new bonnet on this mornin', an' varry weel shoo luk't in +it!" + +"Aw wonder whear shoo gets her new bonnets an' stuff, it's cappin' to +me, but aw've a nooashun shoo doesn't buy 'em wi' her own brass. Let's +see. Bob used to lodge wi' Amos befoor yo' gate wed, didn't he?" + +"Eea, they thowt as mich on him as one o' ther own, an aw know nowt +abaat whose brass shoo buys her things wi', but aw nivver heeard 'at +shoo wor i' debt for owt, an' aw can't see' at we've owt to do wi' it." + +"N'oa, an' tha can see nowt! But ther' is 'at can see if tha cannot, but +as tha says it's nowt to us; but if aw wor a wife aw should want to know +whear my husband tuk his five shillin' a wick." + +"Ther's mi father commin', he's seekin' yo' aw expect." + +"Aw'l be bun' for't! If aw stir off th' doorstun he's after me! What's +browt thee here?" + +"Th' childer's come hooam to ther dinner an' they're all waitin'." + +"Couldn't ta tell' em to get that stew aght o' th' oven?" + +"Aw know nowt abaat th' stew." + +"Hasn't ta stirred it up an' put some moor watter in as aw tell'd thi?" + +"Aw nivver heeard thi say nowt abaat it." + +"A'a tha art a lumpheead if ivver ther' wor one i' this world! Why, +it'll be burnt as dry as a chip! Aw mun be off! Gooid mornin', lass, an' +see' at tha taks care o' thisen whativver comes o' other fowk, an' when +aw've a bit moor time aw'l slip up to comfort thee a bit agean. Tha's +noa need to come for ony dinner, Isaac, for ther'll be nooan for thi." + +"All reight lass, aw'm nooan langin', for aw gate that bit o' pie 'at +wor i'th' cubbord." + +"An' tha'd ha' etten th' cubbord too, if it had been pie! Come stir +thi!" + + +Chapter II. + +A few wicks passed by, an' Angelina couldn't find aght what became ov +her son-i'-law's five shillin's, an' tho' shoo kept een an' ears wide +oppen to catch a whisper agean him, shoo saw, nor heeard newt. But her +mind wor ill at ease, for shoo'd managed to convince hersen 'at ther wor +summat nooan reight, an' becoss shoo couldn't find owt shoo put it daan +to his decait, an' shoo generally finished up wi' sayin' 'at her dowter +wor a fooil an' Bob wor a deep 'en. At last th' mystery had to be +unveiled an' her mind set at rest. + +One neet a little lass knock'd at th' door, an' sed 'at Emma had sent +her to tell her an' Isaac to go a to see her as sooin as ivver they +could. + +"Nah then! What did aw tell thi? It's come at last, an' aw knew it wad I +But if he's raised a finger o' his to hurt a hair ov her heead aw'l +fotch law on him if aw have to sell up dish an' spooin! put this +stickin' plaister i' thi pocket, an' theas cammomile flaars, an' poppy +heeads, an' let's be off this minit!" + +"What's th' stickin' plaister an' all this stuff for?". sed Isaac. + +"Tha'll see what it's for sooin enuff! A'a, aw wish sometimes aw'd +flivver been born! It's a bonny come off to bring childer into th' world +an' keep' em an' luk after' em till they grow up to be treated war nor +dogs!" + +Isaac shov'd th' stuff into his pockets an' wor off after her as sooin +as he could, for shoo'd stirred him up a bit, an' he gript his walkin' +stick an' pooled his hat ovver his een as mich as to say he thowt it +high time to let fowk know what they wor abaat. As sooin as they gate +i'th' seet o'th' haase he sed, "Ther's noa fowk abaat that's one +blessin'; if ther's been a row they must ha' been varry quite abaat it." + +"Shoo'd niver utter a word if shoo wor to be riven i' bits, shoo's too +mich like me for that, A'a, aw little thowt aw should ivver have to come +o' sich o' eearand as this!" + +They didn't stop to knock, but oppen'd th' door, an' thear they saw Bob +an' Emma sittin' at th' teah-table lukkin' as cheerful an' as happy as +could be. + +"Come in, booath on yo'," sed Emma, "Yo'r just i' time for a cup o' +teah. We didn't expect yo' quite as sooin, but yo'r allus welcome." + +"Why yond lass tha sent coom wi' sich a tale wol we wor sewer ther' munt +be summat serious to do, an' we started off withaat wastin' a minit." + +"Aw'm glad yo've com'd," sed Bob, "We've getten summat to show yo', but +yo' mun have a cup o' teah furst." + +"What have aw to do wi' all this stickin' plaister an' stuff?" sed +Isaac. + +"Can't ta keep it i' thi pocket an' say nowt apaat it, softheead! Tha +wants a piece on it across thi macth." + +"Whativver made yo' bring stickin' plaister, mother, yo' sewerly didn't +think ther'd been ony feightin'?" + +"Does fowk nivver want ony stickin' plaister nobbut when they've been +feightin'? Ha could aw tell but what one o' yo' had tummel'd onto th' +foire, or getten scalded or summat? Thi father browt it, it wor nooan o' +me." + +"Eea, aw browt it, but--" + +"But--Tha can hold thi noise an' tak' it back, for if ther'd been ony +use for it tha'd ha' been sewer to ha' forgetten it. But let's +see what this thing is 'at tha's sent for us to luk at, for aw can get +noa drinkin' unless aw know what it is." + +"Well, come yo're ways into this raam," sed Emma, "Here it is, an' tell +me what yo' think on it." + +"Why aw'l be shot if it isn't a sewin' machine! An' a grand en it is; +but ha' mich have yo' to give for it?" + +"Ther's nowt to give for it, becoss it's all paid for. Bob's bowt it me +aght o'th' brass he's been savin'." + +"Then that's whear his five shillin' a wick has been gooin'?" + +"Eea, an' moor nor that, for he'd getten a raise of hauf a craan, an' he +nivver tell'd me, becoss he wanted to buy this for mi birthday." + +"What did aw tell thi, Emma? Didn't aw say 'at tha could trust Bob? They +can't deceive me. Aw can tell a straightforrad chap as sooin as aw see +him." + +"Nah, tha sees Angelina," sed Isaac, "Things isn't just as black as tha +thowt they wor, an' aw tell'd thi--" + +"Tha tell'd me nowt, an' aw dooan't want thi to tell me owt; goa sit thi +daan to thi drinkin' an' let thi mait stop thi maath.'" + + + + +Niver Judge by Appearances. + + +If yo niver heeard tell o' that doo 'at Broddington an Clarkson once +had, aw'll tell yo abaat it; for when aw heeard on it aw lafft wol my +bally wark'd, aw did forshure. Yo mun understand at Broddington kept a +butcher's shop i' Snicket loin an Clarkson kept a puttaty shop ith same +row. Well, it soa happen'd 'at Broddington's shop wor too big for him, +an Clarkson's wor too little for him, soa they had a bit o' tawk +together, an after a deeal o' bargainin, an boath swearin 'at it ud be a +loss o' monny a paand, they agreed to swap. Broddington wor a single +chap an lived bi hissen, but Clarkson had a wife an some bairns, an shoo +wor a wife an noa mistak! for shoo'd tongue enuff for hauf a duzzen. +Ther wor a sign ovver each shop wi th' name painted on, but as one +wodn't fit t' other they agreed to swap signs as weel an to get' em +repainted, each wi thee own name. Well, one day they set abaat flittin, +an a varry hard day they had, but at last all wor comfortably arranged +an nowt moor wanted dooin but names changin. + +After a hard job like that, Broddington thowt he'd give hissen a bit ov +a treat, an goa off on a cheap trip to Liverpool, for as it wor varry +hot weather he hadn't mich to do--butchers niver have--but as he lived +bi hissen, an wor a varry hard sleeper, he couldn't tell ha to manage to +get up to be ready for four o'clock, an' he didn't like th' idea o' +sittin up all th' neet, coss he knew if he did 'at he'd be fit for nowt +all th' day. After studdin abaat it a bit an idea struck him, an' off he +set to seek th' policeman 'at wor o' that beat, an get him to wakken +him. + +He wornt long afoor he fan him, soa he says, "Jim, aw want thee to do me +a bit ov a faver if tha will." "Well, lad," he sed, "awl do it if aw can +awl promise thi; what is it tha wants me to do?" "Aw want to set off o' +that cheap trip tomorn 'at leaves here at four o'clock, an as awm a +varry saand sleeper, aw want thee to wakken me abaat hauf-past three." +"O, if that's all, awl do that an' welcome." "But tha knows," sed +Broddington, "its nooan sich a easy task as tha seems to fancy, for when +awm i' bed aw sleep like a stooan, an soa if aw dooant get up at once +tha mun pawse th' door wol aw do." "O, awl pawse it niver fear, awl +wakken thi afoor aw leave off, tha may bet thi front teeth o' that." +"Well, aw darsay tha may, an awve made up mi mind to goa, but awm sich a +sleepy-head 'at if aw get up its a thaasand to one aw shall goa to bed +agean as sooin as iver tha turns thi back, so tha mun stop wol aw come +daan stairs, an then tha shall tell me what tha thinks abaat some whisky +'at awve getten." "Leave that to me," sed Jim, "awl bet tha'll come daan +afoor aw stur; if ther's ony whisky inside awl find mi way to it." +"That's all right," sed Broddington, "nah awl goa hooam an' get to bed +an' have a few haars sleep afoor tha comes." Soa off he went hooam, but +unfortunately he'd forgetten to tell th' policeman 'at he'd flitted. + +Well, old Clarkson stuck to his puttaty shop wol abaat ten o'clock an +then when he'd getten shut up, he thowt he'd just goa an' spend an' haar +or two wi a friend, so a as th' wife wor aght oth seet he snig'd off, +an' it seems he faand ther company soa varry agreeable wol it wor ommost +three o'clock when he landed hooam. He knew what a blowin up he'd be +sure to get, but as his wife liked a drop o' whisky to goa to bed on, he +bowt a bottle to tak hooam as a bit ov a sweetner. He crept in as quiet +as he could, for he thowt if th' wife wor asleep it wad be a shame to +wakken her. He tuk his booits off an' went ov his tiptooas into th' +bedroom. + +"O, soa tha's landed hooam agean has ta? Couldn't ta find ony body 'at +ud have thi ony longer? If awd been thee awd ha done t'other bit aght. +Awm capt 'at a wed chap 'at's a wife an' childer at hooam rakin aght i' +this way! But ther's one thing certain, it's noa daycent place wheer tha +wor wol this time oth' mornin! Niver heed! It willn't last long, aw feel +awm gettin waiker ivery day--waiker ivery day; tha'll nooan ha me soa +long, an' then tha can spree an' drink thi fill. Aw do, aw feel awm +gettin waiker ivery day," shoo sed agean. But old Clarkson made noa +reply, for he'd heeard th' same tale monny a time befoor, an' he knew if +he sed he wor sooary, shoo'd say he wor a liar, an' praich him a sarmon +as long as his leg abaat what he'd do if he wor sooary; an' if he sed he +didn't think shoo wor waiker, shoo'd say, "Noa, aw ail nowt; ther's +nivver any sympathy for me! aw mun slave mi soul aght for owt tha +cares--nasty unfeelin wretch!" Well, Jim didn't spaik for he thowt "the +leeast sed an th' soonest mended." But shoo wornt to be done, shoo at it +ageean in another tone--"Eea, aw feel awm gettin waiker--Waiker ivery +day; does ta hear what aw say?" "Hear thi," he sed, "mi ears are hoof'd +wi harkenin to thi." "Eea, an they shall be hoof'd," shoo sed, "for as +long as awve breath i' my body awl tell thi o' thi faults. Ha can ta +fashion; but if tha doesn't alter awl niver put legs daan i' bed wi' +thee agean I Shame o' thisen! but tha has na shame; tha'rt as brazzen as +brass, that's what tha art!" "Nah, hold thi noise," he sed. "Sithee, +aw've browt thi a bottle o' whisky; mun, awm allus thinkin on thi." +"Dooant tell me sich like tales as them, for aw dooant believe thi," +shoo says, "tha thinks tha can get ovver me wi a bottle o' whisky aw +daresay, but tha'rt mistakken; an' aw dooant know whear tha's getten +that at this time oth' mornin." + +Jim kept a still tongue in his bead an' crept quietly into bed, an' it +worn't long befoor they wor booath asleep. + +Nah, it wor varry near time for th' polieeman to come to wakken +Broddington, an' as he knew nowt abaat th' flittin he luck'd up at th' +sign, an' feelin sure at he wor at th' reight shop he gave a varry gooid +rat-a-tat at Clarkson's door. + +"What's that?" sed his wife, jumpin up; "go daan and see." + +"Net aw," sed Clarkson, "its nobbut some druffen chaps 'at's on for a +spree." + +"Eea, an they know whear to come it seems! A'a, if aw wor a man aw +should shame to have sich like followin me." + +Another rat-a-tat followed, but Clarkson wor detarmined not to get up, +an' th' policeman wor just as detarmined to pail at th' door till he did +get up. Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat! went his stick time after time, wol at +last old Clarkson baanced aght o' bed an threw up his winder, an' axed +what he wanted; but when he saw a blue coat an' shinin buttons, he +turned raand to his wife an' sed, "It's a bobby." + +"Why," shoo says, "ax him what he wants." + +"What does ta want?" sed Clarkson. + +"Nah, then, is noa gooid tryin' to mak it strange; tha knows aw've come +here for that whisky, an' awmean to have it befoor aw goa." + +"O, that's it, is it?" sed his wife. "That's thee 'at's browt me th' +whisky? It's grand to bring a wife whisky an' ax a policeman to come sup +it." + +"Aw niver ax'd onybody to come, aw dooant know what he wants." + +"That's a varry nice tale, lad, but tha willn't mak me believe it; aw +know better nor a policeman comin toa haase at hauf-past three ith +mornin if he hadn't been sent for." + +Rat-a-tat! rat-a-tat-tat! went th' policeman's stick, an old Clarkson +flew to th' winder an shaats aght, "What th' d---- does ta want?" + +"Nah, it's noa gooid thee puttin on an' makkin it all strange; tha mud +as weel come daan sooin as lat, for tha'll ha to goa wi me an' th' +whisky an' all, soa on wi them britches an come daan stairs." + +"Nah, Clarkson," sed his wife, sittin up i' bed, "tell me th' truth at +once; has ta getten that whisky honestly or net? If tha hasn't say so, +an then awst know what to expect. Aw allus sed 'at tha'd bring me an th' +childer to some end if this rakin aght ov a neet went on. A'a 'at ivver +aw should ha lived to see this day!" An then shoo began rockin hersen +backards an forrads, an moppin up her tears wi th' corner oth sheet. + +Yo may guess what a din th' policeman made when it wakkened Broddington +'at lived six or eight doors off, an aght o' ommust ivvery winder ith +row ther wor neetcaps bobbin in an aght, an some on 'em shook ther +heeads an sed, "It's nobbut what aw expected; awve thowt many a time 'at +if Clarkson could afford to dress his wife 'i silks an satins, 'at it +didn't all come aght o' th' puttaty trade," an after that feelin remark +they went back to bed. + +Broddington gate up an dressed an went daan stairs to see what wor up. +All at once he bethowt him abaat th' policeman, an th' fact a' th' wrang +sign being ovver th' door, an he saw at once what a mistak had been +made. "Well, it can't be helped," he sed, "but poor Clarkson 'll catch +it aw'll bet." Soa he went daan an oppened th' door just at th' same +time at Clarkson wor comin aght. When th' policeman saw Clarkson come +aght an Broddington abaat twenty yards off, he luk'd a trifle soft, an +after starin furst at one an then at t'other, he gave vent to his +astonishment bi sarin, "Blow me tight!" Just then Mrs. Clarkson's heead +show'd aght o' th' chamber winder, "O, it's all varry fine," shoo sed, +"aw see ha it is; it's a made up doo throo th' beginin to th' endin; but +awl have an alteration as sure as my name's Liddy:" After sayin this +shoo popt back agean an went to bed, noa daat thinkin 'at shoo wor a +varry ill used woman. As matters had getten to this pitch, Broddington +tuk th' policeman an' Clarkson on to his haase, an after a gooid deeal a +explanation, ivery body seem'd to be satisfied, an Broddington browt +aght a bottle an put it i' th' middle o' th' table an invited 'em to +help thersen. They did, an readily too, for th' policeman worn't a +teetotaler, (an ther's summat abaat that 'at aw could nivver understand, +for teetotal lecterers tell us 'at if all th' world wor teetotal 'at we +should have noa murders, noa robberies, noa rows, all wod be peace an +happiness an th' millenium be ushered in, an yet aw nivver met a +teetotal policeman, tho ther may be sich like things, th' same as aw've +heeard on ther bein white blackburds, an we know 'at policemen are th' +varry chaps 'at have to keep th' peace.) + +Well, glass followed glass, an Broddington decided net to set off at +all, but to spend a friendly haar wi 'em, as he'd been th' cause ov a +deeal o' bother, an he thowt th' best thing he could do wod be to +apologize like a man an set things straight agean. Soa they all turned +aght together at about a quarter to ten to goa to Clarkson's, but when +they gate aght o' th' door what should they see but a lot o' furniture +aghtside, an all th' appearances ov another flittin. "What's up nah, +Clarkson?" sed Broddington. "Nay, aw dooant know," he sed, "but it seems +to me 'at th' wife's sellin up, an shoo's sed shoo wod do monny a time; +but awl put a stop to that, an sharply too." Away he went in a reglar +tiff, an wanted to know who'd fotch'd his stuff aght o' th' haase, an +sed he'd let' em see who wor th' maister thear. When his wife coom shoo +wor fair maddled, an wanted to know what wor up. "Who's tell'd thee to +sell th' furniture," he sed. "Sell th' furniture! Who is selling th' +furniture, fooil! It's nobbut me 'at had it taen aght to cleean, becoss +aw thowt tha wor off for th' day, an aw thowt awd do it before tha come +back, sea as tha wodn't be put abaat wi th' bustle." "O, that's all +reight," he sed. "Aw see nah; aw hardly thowt tha'd do as ill as that, +though tha wor awful crusty this mornin; but ther's Broddington an th' +policeman aghtside 'at want to come in an explain matters a bit." +"Dooant bring' em here," shoo sed, "tha's been wi them to oft; it's sich +like as them 'at's leeadin thee off." + +"Well, we'd better have 'em in aw think, an hear what they've to say," +he sed. Soa they went in, an when they'd tell'd th' tale shoo laff'd as +hard as any on 'em, for shoo worn't a bad bottom'd woman though she had +a tongue; soa after makkin all things straight shoo ax'd' em to have a +drop o' summat, which they had, an as shoo sed, "Drink o' ony sooart wor +a thing 'at shoo seldom or iver touched, though th' doctors had ordered +it for her, time after time, yet considerin 'at Broddington had missed +his cheap trip, an 'at all matters had been put to reights, shoo made +hersen a drop o' whisky an hot watter, an as they sat tawkin an smookin +they coom to th' conclusion 'at it wor nivver safe to judge bi +appearances. Clarkson wor soa pleased at his wite takkin it i' sich a +philosophical way, wol he bowt her a new gaan, an when th' naybors saw +her turn aght in it th' next Sunday, they nodded an smiled at her as if +they could like to put her into ther pockets, but as sooin as shoo'd +turned her back they curl'd ther nooas an turned up th' whites o' ther +eyes, an sed, in a varry mysterious way, "It'll do woll it lasts." + +A'a dear I tak my advice an nivver trust to appearances. + + + + +Mi First Testimonial. + + +Young Gawthorp lived at t'Cat-i-t'well; some on yo may know him, he used +to come to Halifax twice i' th' wick to buy his greens and stuff to +hawk, an' he allus call'd at t'Tabor to get a pint as he went hooam. + +Nah Chairley (his mother had kursen'd him Chairley becoss shoo wor +sittin in a chair th' furst time shoo saw him); well, Chairley worn't +like some country hawbucks at fancied' coss he sell'd puttates an +turnips, 'at he needed no mooar knowledge nor to be able to tell th' +difference between a parsnip an' a manglewurzell. Noa, Chairley had an +inquirin' mind, an' if it hadn't been at one leg wor shorter nor +t'other, he'd a been a sowdger, for his heart wor as brave as any +greengrocer's heart cud be expected to be. + +One neet he'd been to th' taan, an' wor trudgin hooam beside owd +Testy--that's his donkey's name, an' aw owt to tell yo hah it happen'd +to be call'd Testy; ther's nowt like explainin' things as we goa on. +Chairley used to goa to th' Sunday Skooil, an' he wor allus soa weel +behaved, an' hardly ivver missed a Sunday withaat bringin' his taicher +awther a apple or toffy or summat, wol th' Superintendant took sich a +fancy to him, 'at he determined to get up a testimonial for him; soa one +day he call'd him to one side, an' strokin' his heead as tenderley as if +it wor a whin bush, he sed, "Chairley tha's been a gooid lad, an' we ar +detarmin'd to get up a testimonial for thi. Aw've mentioned it to th' +taichers, an' they've all agreed to subscribe, an aw want thee to say +what shape it shall tak." "Well," said Chairley, "if aw'm to pick, aw +should like it to be as near th' shape o' Tim Hardy's as yo can get." + +"What dusta meean?" sed th' Superintendent. + +"Aw mean Tim Hardy's donkey." + +"Nay Chairley, that'll nivver do for a Sundy skooil to give a donkey for +a testimonial; that wodn't spaik weel for th' skooil--think ageean lad." + +"Ther's nowt else at aw'd like, soa if yo cannot gie me that, it matters +little to me what aw get; an' as for net spaikin weel for th' skooil, aw +dooan't see that; Balaam's ass spake varry weel for him, an' aw dooan't +see but what one mud spaik varry weel for th' taichers." + +"Well lad, that's soa, an awm glad to see at tha hasn't studied thi +scriptur for nowt, soa a donkey it shall be. But ther's just one thing +awd like to mention, an that is; tha sees aw'm a poor workin' chap +mysen, an aw'm hardly in a position to afford to give owt towards it, +but it wodn't luk weel for me net to put daan mi name for summat, soa +aw'! subscribe five shillings to help to buy it, an' when tha's getten +it tha can pay me back i' puttates, kidney puttates, an' noa demiked +ens. If tha'll agree to that, awl work this thing up for thi sharp." + +"Aw'l agree." sed Chairley, soa th' thing wor all settled, an th' next +Wednesday neet after th' special prayer meeting, Chairley wor called up +to th' desk, an' after listenin' to a long speech, th' donkey wor browt +in an presented to him, together wi' a beautiful address, painted an' +illuminated on glass, wi a tollow cannel, soa's to be useful to him when +hawkin' cockles an' mussels i' winter time. + +Chairley wor famosly delited wi th' donkey, an when it stretched aght +one hind leg, just to feel whoa it wor at stood behind it, he fairly +shed tears, an' it wor some time befooar he cud get his wind back to +thank' em. He tell'd 'em at that wor th' first testimonial he'd ivver +had gien, an' on that accaant he should name it "Testy"; he thanked 'em +one an' all, an' thowt it wor abaaght time nah for him to goa. Th' +Superintendant sed he thowt soa too, an' he should advise him net to let +Testy have soa many beeans for th' future, as they made his breath smell +soa bad. + +Soa Chairley an' Testy went hooam, an t'next morning they started aght +hawkin, but it wor th' warst days bizniss he ivver had. He gate shut a +mooar stuff nor ivver he'd getten shut on afooar in a wick, but his +purse wor varry little heavier at neet nor it wor i'th' morning, for as +t'mooast ov his customers wor connected wi th' Sunday skoal, an' they +all wanted sarvin' that day, he discovered at Testy worn't likely to +prove all profit after all. If a woman wanted a penny stick a ruburb +shoo'd be sure to ax for a cabbage thrown in, an shoo'd say: "Tha knows +tha'd nivver ha getten that donkey but for awr Simon givin' soa mich +to'ards it." + +When Chairley reckon'd up at neet he stud lukkin at t'donkey for a +minnit an' then he sed--"Testy owd lad, aw dooant want to hurt thi +feelins, but aw mun say, at if ivvery body's testimonial cost' em as +mich as tha's cost me to-day, ther isn't quite as mich profit in 'em as +some fowk think; an' unless ther's a lot ov Annani-asses amang my +customers, th'aft abaat th' warst bargain i'th' donkey line at aw've +seen for some time, for aw cud a bowt a horse wi' th' brass at wor +subscribed for thee." + +After that Chairley had to leeave th' Sunday skooil, for he sed if he +didn't they'd ruin booath him an' Testy. Well, as aw wor sayin' Chairley +an' Testy wor gooin' hooam an' bed just getten to th' Tabor, when they +booath stopt for a drink. He teed up his donkey an' then went into th' +tapraam for a pint a fourpny, (yo can get varry gooid fourpny at +t'Tabor, ther's some body in it an noa sperrit, hah they brew it is a +saycret, an' it's noa use tryin' to see throo it.) Just anent Chairley +sat an owd sowdger tellin' tales abaaght different battles he'd been in, +an' Chairley lizened to ivvery word as if it wor gospel, for ov cooarse +he knew at noa man 'ats been in a battle wad say owt at worn't true, an' +at last he sed, "Captin' aw've oft thowt aw should like to be sowdger, +but yo see mi legs isn't booath just t'same length." + +"That'll mak little difference," he sed, "tha'd be all th' better for +that, it wodn't be as easy to put a bullet throo thi heead when it wor +bobbin' up and daan, as it wod a chap at walk'd straight; but aw should +advise thee to join th' artillery, that's th' regiment for thee; horse +artillery, that's the ticket, tha'd just doo for that." + +"Dun yo think aw should?" + +"To be sewer, tha'rt just made for it." + +This set Chairley a thinkin', an after treatin' th' owd sowdger wi' a +pint, he set off hooam. + +As he'd noab'dy else to tawk to' he tawk'd to th' donkey. + +"Well Testy, what dus ta think abaaght it? Dus ta think aw should doo +for a hartillery chap? They dooant have donkeys i'th' horse hartillery, +or else awd tak thee. What are ta shakin' thi heead at? Well if aw doo +goa, iwl mak a present o' thee to th' Sunday skooil, for aw cudn't tell +what price to put on thi if aw wanted to sell thi. Hahivver, aw think it +ud be a gooid thing for me to practiss a bit, an' awve two owd muskets +at hooam at can be made come in, an' awl get up it' mornin' i' gooid +time an practiss for an haar or soa befooar we start for bizness. It'll +doo us booath gooid." + +Chairley gate hooam, an' after stablin' Testy an' makkin him +cumfortable, he gave him a bit o' extra corn to mak him lively next +mornin'. He left t'stable sayin, "Well Testy, aw nivver thowt a makkin a +war-horse aght o' thee, tho' awve seen war horses nor thee; but to morn +tha'll have to be a chairger, an' if tha'rt hauf as gooid a chairger as +t'chap wor at sell'd thi to th' Superintendent, tha'll doo to practiss +on." + +T'next mornin' Chairley gate his two muskets, an havin' teed one on th' +top o' each pannier, he maanted Testy, an' rooad him to a croft at back +o' th' haase. + +"Nah," he says to hissen, "hah can aw pull these triggers when aw'm set +up here? It caan't be done; but if aw lig on my belly on th' top of his +back, aw can raich 'em then, an that'll be a better position to escape +th' enemy." Soa he ligg'd his full length o' Testy's back, an tuk hold +o' booath muskets wi' his fingers on th' triggers. "Nah Testy, see tha +behaves thisen' for this may be a turnin' point i' thy life as weel as +mine. Tha'll ha' to get used to th' smell o' paather, same as me. Nah +for it," he sed, an' he shut his een an' whisper'd, "one, two, +three--off!" He pooled booath triggers, booath muskets went off, an' +Chairley went off at th' same time, an' soa did one o' Testy's ears, an' +when Chairley lukk'd up Testy wor stanin' on his fore legs, sparrin' +away wi' his heels, as lively as yo'd wish to see. Chairley maniged to +sam hissen together, an' findin' at he worn't killed, he went to mak +friends ageean wi' Testy; an' if ivver ther wor two disconsolate lukkin' +jackasses i' this world, it wor them two. + +"Well, this is a bonny come off," he sed, "tha'rt a bigger donkey nor aw +tuk thi for. Had ta noa mooar sense nor to put thi ear i'th' front ova +gun. Tha cud a heeard it goa off withaat lizenin' soa clois? + +"Well, aw wish tha wor nicely aght o' mi hands. What to do wi thi nah aw +connot tell, unless aw cut off t'other ear to match, an' tee a bunch o' +horsehair to thi tail an' see if aw connot mak a galloway aght on thi; +an' if aw doo that, aw expect tha willn't be able to keep thi maath +shut, an' that voice o' thine 'll let ivvery body know. But hahivver aw +mun try an' bandage that heead o' thine up an' then see what aw can do, +for ther'll be noa hawkin' to-day, an' noa mooar hartillery practiss." + +Chairley weshed th' donkey's heead, an' put some sauve on to his ear, +an' teed it up as weel as he cud, an' then turned him inta th' croft an' +sat daan wonderin' hah to spend th' day. + +Nah ther wor nowt Chairley wor fonder on nor kite flyin', an' as he had +a kite ommost as big as hissen, he thowt he mud as weel amuse hissen a +bit; soa he fotched it, an' befooar monny minnits it wor sailin' away up +i'th' air. He kept givin' it mooar band wol it wor ommost aght o' seet, +an' beein' a breezy day, it pooled soa hard at he cud hardly hold it. + +To mak matters war, Testy wor varry restless, an' kept wanderin abaaght, +an' as ther wor noa gate to th' croft, Chairley had to follow him for +feeard on him gettin' away. In a while it began to be rayther hard wark, +he darn't let t'kite goa, an' ther wor nowt handy to tee it too, soa he +thowt his best plan 'ud be to pull it in, but just then a thowt struck +him, as he saw Testy trottin' off whiskin his tail, an' he went after +him. As sooin as he'd catched him, he teed his kite band to th' donkey's +tail, sayin' as he did soa, "Nah aw can watch yo booath at once." But yo +shud a seen that donkey! At first he ran backards for abaaght a dozzen +yards, then he shot aght his heels wi' twenty donkey paar; but it wor +noa use tryin' to kick that kite, he cud just as easy ha' kicked +t'mooin. He tried to turn raand, but that ommost twisted his tail off, +then he planted his feet firmly i' t'graand, wi his tail stickkin' +straight aght like a brooish stail, an' luk'd at Chairley, as if for +some explanation. + +"Well, hah dusta like kite flyin', Testy? tha'd a rooar'd thi 'een up +afooar tha'd thowt a that. It's plain to be seen at tha connot run away +wi' that kite, an' th' kite connot flyaway wi' thee, soa awl leeave yo +an' goa get a bit a dinner." + +He worn't long away, but when he coom back, noa kite cud he see, but +theear wor Testy stud just as he'd left him. As Chairley walked to him +he nivver sturd, but, fancy his surprise when he saw at th' donkey's +tail wor missin'. It had dissolved partnership wi' Testy an' gooan to +realms aboon. Maybe it'll fessen it sen on to some little star an' mak a +comet on't. + +Chairley an Testy stud lukkin' at one another for a gooid five minnits, +an' at last Chairley sed, "Well Testy, tha caan't blame me; aw dooant +think thi appearance is mich improved, but still, tha must admit at tha +arn't as mich of a donkey nah as tha wor when aw gate tha. It seems to +me we'd better pairt, for we dooan't get on soa weel together; awl sell +mi stock an't panniers, an' thee an ivverything; aw shall ha' to sell' +em wholesale though, for aw cannot re-tail thee. But awl promise tha one +thing, whenivver aw fly a kite ageean, awl remember mi donkey's tail." + +Just then, Testy's knees begun to tremmle, his body rock'd from side to +side; he luk'd at Chairley as mich as to say, "assassin," an rowled +ovver brokkenhearted; an', withaght a struggle, he breathed his last +sigh to th' tune of "Good bye, Chairley, when aw'm away, dunnot forget +your Testimonial." + + + + +Five Paand Nooat. + + +Aw remember th' first time at aw iver had a five paand nooat, an' awm +like as if aw can see it yet. It worn't a new en, it wor one 'at had +gooan throo a gooid monny hands,--it wor soft an' silky to th' touch, +an' it wor yeller wi age, an' th' edges wor riven a bit, an it had a +split up th' middle, whear it had been cut i' two at some time an' stuck +together agean wi a bit o' postage stamp paper. Aw remember at that time +aw used to sleep up in a garret, all bi mysen, an' th' walls wor covered +wi bits o' pictures, an' shelves wor stuck up here an' thear, filled wi +bottles o' all maks o' stuff, an' aw'd an old box 'at aw could lock up +whear aw kept some pipes an bacca, an' owt else at aw darn't let awr +fowk know 'at aw had, an' carefully put away under th' bed wor another +little box whear aw kept cannels. Awm just th' same as if aw can see +mysen nah, as aw wor then, sat daan oth edge oth bed an' th' five paand +nooat on th' table anent me, studdyin what to buy. Aw varily believe 'at +aw bowt one hauf oth taan o' Halifax, i' mi mind, before aw went +to sleep; an aw didn't goa to sleep soa easily that neet as usual, +for after aw'd put th' cannel aght, aw bethowt me 'at skyleet mud be +left unfastened, an' soa aw had to get up an see. When aw'd getten to +bed agean aw felt sewer aw could hear summat stir under th' bed, an' aw +listened for a long time an' then aw felt sure ther wor somdy tryin to +breik into th' haase, for aw could hear' em sawin away as if to cut a +pannel aght oth door. At last aw thowt awd wakken up some o' awr fowk an +let 'em know, but as sooin as aw oppened th' door aw heeard it wor mi +father snorin, soa a crept back to bed. Aw wor just droppin off to sleep +when a thowt struck me, 'at maybe some on 'em ud be comin up stairs ith +mornin before aw wakkened, an' they'd be sure to see that five paand +nooat, an' then aw should have to give an' accaant on it, an' mi +father'd be sure to say he'd tak care on it for me, an' aw know what +that meant, soa aw jumped up age an an' put it under th' piller. Aw did +fall asleep in a while, but aw wakkened i' gooid time ith mornin an' th' +furst thing aw luk'd for wor that nooat, an' thear it wor, all reight. +Then aw gate up an walked aght a bit wol th' braikfast wor ready. Aw +hadn't gooan far when aw met a chap smokin a cigar, an' thinks aw, awl +have a cigar. Soa aw went into a shop an' axed far a gaoid cigar. 'Do yo +want it very mild?' he axed. 'Noa,' aw sed, 'let me have it as strong as +owt yo have.' For, thinks aw, aw'l let him see at awm noa new +beginner,--tho to spaik th' truth aw dooant think aw'd iver smok'd hauf +a duzzen i'mi life. 'That's the best and strongest cigar you can buy,' +he sed, holdin one up between his finger an thumb, but keepin a gooid +distance off. 'Weel,' aw sed, 'aw'l tak that.' 'But these cigars are +sixpence each.' Is that all?' aw sed, as aw threw daan mi five +paand nooat. As sooin as he saw that he picked it up an' held it up to +th' leet, an stroked it, and luk'd at me an' smiled; and he seemed to +tak a fancy to me all at once, an' axed m'e whear aw lived, an what they +call'd me, an' a lot o' things beside. Then he gave me a leet for mi +cigar, an' he sed he thowt aw wor a judge ov a cigar as sooin as he saw +me, an' he had just one box 'at he'd like me to give my opinion on. +Weel, aw worn't gooin to say at aw didn't know th' difference between a +penny cigar an' one worth a shillin, soa he showed me a box, an' aw +luk'd at 'em an' smel'd at 'em, an' tried to luk wise, an then aw sed, +they did seem a varry nice cigar. 'You are right, sir,' he sed, 'I see +you understand them,--I wish there were a few more like you.' An then he +sed in a whisper, 'at that wor th' only box he had o' that sooart, in +fact ther'd niver nobbut been that an' another, a'n t'other wor sent as +a present to th' Duke o' Wellington, but th' Duke, he sed wornt hauf as +gooid a judge as aw wor; an' he'd sell me that box for two paand, an' it +wor worth three. Aw wor beginnin to feel a bit sickly wi that aw wor +smokin, an' aw didn't care to tawk mich, an' as he hadn't given me onny +change, aw just nodded mi heead, and he had lapped up th' box in a +crack, and handed it me, an three soverings, an' wished me gooid day an +hoped aw'd call agean, and bowed me aght oth shop i' less time nor it +taks to tell it. As sooin as awd getten a few yards away, aw threw mi +cigar into th' street an' detarmined aw'd niver smook agean befoore +braikfast. Them cigars didn't last long, for ov coarse aw allus carried +a lot i' mi pocket, an' as that used to spoil' em a friend o' mine +persuaded me to buy a cigar case. He sell'd it me varry cheap, nobbut +ten shillin; an' then another gate me to subscribe a guinea to a cricket +club, an' aw wondered ha it wor 'at aw'd niver made friends wi' +some o'th' members befoor, for they wor a nice lot. At th' end of +three days mi cigars wor all done, an' soa wor mi five paand nooat. All +aw had wor a empty cigar box, a pastboard cigar case worth abaat +sixpence, a ticket 'at entitled me to visit all th' cricket matches +free,--but as th' season wor just endin it wor o' noa use,--an' had a +sooart ov an inklin 'at ther wor some truth i'mi father's words 'at aw +worn't old enuff to be trusted wi' brass. + +Aw went to bed, an' fell asleep withaat once thinkin abaat thieves; an' +ther's noa daat 'at what yo loise i' brass yo oft tinles gain i' +knowledge, for aw niver forgate th' fate o mi furst five paand nooat. + + + + +Silly Billy. + + +He wor a queer sooart of a chap wor Billy--allus makkin a fooil ov +hissen or else somedy wor makkin a fooil o' him. He wor a very quiet +chap too tho ivery nah an' then he gave hissen a bit ov a leetnin' i'th' +shap ov a rant, or as he used to call it, a 'gooid brust.' It woint oft +he did that sooart o' thing, but when he did he carried it on for a wick +or a fortnit, an' altho' his father had left a nice little farm for him +an' his mother, yet it sooin dwindled to nowt, for what wi' neglectin +his wark, an' spendin a bit o' brass, it wor like a cannel lit at booath +ends, it sooin swealed up. Aw remember one day when he'd been drinkin +till his brass wor done, he coom hooam to ax his mother to give him some +moor, an' coss shoo said shoo wod'nt he declared he'd set th' lathe o' +fire; but sho wodn't give him onny, soa he went into th' lathe, an' in a +bit one o'th' neighbors saw him gaping at tother side o'th' street an' +went up to ax him what he wor starin at? + +"It'll tinkle tip in a bit," sed Billy an' in a bit it did 'tinkle up,' +for he'd set th' haymoo o' fire, an' in abaght an haar, booath th' lathe +an' all 'at wor in it wor burned to th' graand. "Aw tell'd her aw'd do +it," he sed, "an' aw'm nooan to be licked when aw start." + +Th' poor owd woman wor sadly troubled, but what could shoo do, for what +could ony body expect throo Silly Billy? + +Shoo used to have some queer ways did Nancy; an' one system o' her's wor +allus to do iverything like clock wark. When Billy wor having one ov his +bits o' sprees, an' stoped away for two or three days, shoo allus made +him his porrige ivery marnin, an' if he worn't thear to ait 'em shoo +put' em i'th' cupbord, all in a row, an' when he did come, he could'nt +get a bite o' owt else till he'd finished' em all, soa he used to start +at th' oldest furst, an' as th' owd woman kept on makkin moor ivery +mornin, it wor noa easy job to ovettak 'em, an' be able to sit daan to a +warm meal. But like monny a one beside, altho' he wor soa mich put +abaght, it did'nt cure him; but when he'd had a doo, an' been two or +three days at cold poltices; as he call'd em, he used to say, "Niver noa +moor! If aw once get ovver this, yo'll niver catch me at that bat agean! +It's towt me a lesson 'as this." An' noa daat it had, but he varry sooin +forgate it. + +Ov coarse, when th' brass wor all done, he had to work a bit, an' aw +recollect when he started business ov his own hook, fowk used to plague +him sadly, an' weel they mud, for he gate a donkey an panniers an' +started to sell puttates an' greehs; but it soa happened, 'at one mornin +he'd nobbut as monny puttates as ud fill one pannier, an' as he put' em +i' one it made it side heavy, soa he gate a lot o' big stooans an' put +'em i'th' tother to balance it a bit, an' then he started off. But he +hadn't gooan far when a chap met him an' sed, "what are ta sellin, +Billy?" "Aw'm hawkin puttates," he sed. "Why, what's all thease stooans +for, has ta started o' leeadin balder?" "Noa," he sed, (an' then gave +him a sly wink as mich as to say aw'l let thee into a secret), "but does +ta see, aw'd nobbut as mich brass as ud buy one pannier full, soa aw wor +foorced to put stooans it th' tother to mak it balance." "Why, +lumphead!" sed th' chap, "couldn't ta put one hauf into one, an' tother +into tother?" Billy scratched his heead for a minit an' then sed, "e'ea! +but aw see a better road nor that--aw'l put hauf o'th' stooans amang th' +puttates, an' hauf o'th' puttates, amang th' stooans, an' then aw'st be +sure to have it." "Why but cannot ta mak 'em balance baght stooans, tup +heead?" sed th' chap. "Ov coorse aw con! aw niver thowt o' that," sed +Billy, an' he started an' squared 'em aght. But he niver made mich aght +o' hawkin, for he could niver leearn th' difference between six dozen +dozens and hauf a dozen dozens, an fowk 'at wor sharper used to chait +him mony a bit. + +One queer thing abaght him wor he delighted i' singing, an' if he heeard +a song 'at took his fancy he could remember it word for word. His mother +says 'at he's tramped mony a scoor mile to hear a song at pleased him, +an' if ony body'd sing for him he'd give' em owt he had. One day, as he +wor gooin his raands he met wi a chap 'at wor hummin a bit ov a tune, +an' he hearken'd to him for a bit, an' at last he sed, "Maister, aw +should like to know that song, ha mich will yo taich it me for?" "Oh, +it's a patent is that, lad, aw should want a gooid deal if aw towt thee +that." "Why," he said, "aw'l gie thi a bunch o' turnips an' four pund o' +puttates if tha'll sing it me twice ovver." "Nay," he sed, "wheniver aw +engage to sing, aw allus charge double, if aw'm honcoord; but I'll sing +it' once if tha'll throw a rooap o' onions into th' bargain." "Well, +tha'rt rather up i' thi price," he sed, "but aw'l agree soa start off." +They booath set daan o'th' rooad side, an' th' chap (he luk'd like a +gipsy), began: + + Aw'm as rich as a Jew, tho aw hav'nt a meg, + But aw'm free as a burd, an' aw shak a loise leg; + Aw've noa haase, an' noa barns, soa aw niver pay rent, + But still aw feel rich, for aw'm bless'd wi content, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, + An' if it is folly, + Let others be wise, but aw'l follow mi bent. + + Mi kitchen aw find amang th' rocks up o'th' moor, + An' at neet under th' edge ov a haystack aw snoor, + An' a wide spreeadin branch keeps th' cold rain off mi nop, + Wol aw listen to th' stormcock 'at pipes up o'th top; + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + + Aw niver fear thieves, for aw've nowt they can tak, + Unless it's thease tatters' at hing o' mi back; + An' if they prig them, they'lt get suck'd do yo see, + They'll be noa use to them, for they're little to me, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + + Fowk may turn up ther nooas as they pass me i'th' road, + An' get aght o'th' gate as if feear'd ov a tooad, + But aw laff i' mi sleeve, like a snail in its shell, + For th' less room they tak up, ther's all th' moor for misel, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + + Tho philosiphers tawk, an' church parsons may praich, + An' tell us true joy is far aght ov us raich; + Yet aw niver tak heed o' ther cant o' ther noise, + For he's nowt to be fear'd on 'at's nowt he can loise, + Aw live, an' aw'm jolly, &c. + +"By th' heart!" sed Billy, "aw nivver heeard sich a song as that i' all +mi life! Tha mun sing it ageean for me, wi' ta?" "Nay lad, aw'm nooan +soa fond o' singin as that comes to." "By gow, but tha mun!" "Well if aw +do aw'st want all th' puttates tha has left an' th' donkey an' all." +"Nay, Maister, that's rayther too hard, yo willn't want all th' lot aw'l +niver believe, yo'l throw me summat off?" "Well, aw dooant want to be +hard o' ony body, but tha knows it's net to be expected aw shall taich +thee a song like that for nowt, but as tha seems to be a daycent sooart +ov a chap, if tha'll gie me th' donkey an' th' puttates aw'l mak thee a +present o'th' panniers." "An' is that th' lowest hawpenny tha'll tak? Aw +wodn't bate a hair off th' donkey's tail at that price; tha knows if tha +wants to hear some reglar classified music tha'll ha to pay." "Well, +blaze into it," sed Billy, "an' aw'l hug th' panniers mysel." "They're +net a gurt weight." sed th' chap, "an' aw dar say they'll luk as weel o' +thee as o' it." An' wol Billy wor takkin 'em off th' donkey an' puttin +'em on to hissen, th' chap sang th' song ovver ageean, an' when he'd +done he walked off wi' th' donkey an' as mony puttates as he could hug, +an' Billy started off hooam wi his panniers ov his rig, singin, "Aw +live, an' aw'm jolly," wi such gusto wol th' fowk coom aght to see +whativer ther wor to do, an' when they saw him huggin th' panniers they +guessed what wor up, an' shook ther heeads, sarin, "Silly Billy!" Ov +coorse when he gate hooam he tell'd his mother abaght it, an' wad have +her listen to this new song. "Song, be hanged!" shoo sed, "aw'd a deal +rather hear that donkey rant nor all th' songs at iha con cram into thi +empty heead." An' away shoo went to get some fowk to follow th' chap an' +get th' donkey back agean. + +Two or three sooin set off an' within a few yards o' where Billy sed +he'd been, they fan it quietly nibblin a bit o' grass bith' side o' th' +gutter, for it seems th' chap had nobbut been havin a bit ov a joak, an' +left it behund. They gate it hooam agean an'after Billy's mother had +given him a gooid tawkin to, th' thing dropt. + +But aw think aw'st niver forget a marlock some chaps played him one day: +ther wor abaat six on 'em, an' they made it up to freeten him a bit, an' +mak him believe he wor baan to dee; soa just as he coom off th' corner +o' one o' th' streets, a chap steps up to him.--"Gooid mornin, Billy! ha +does ta feel this mornin, lad?" "Oh! Furst rate!" "Why aw'm fain to hear +it," he sed, "but, by th' heart! lad! tha luk's ill'!" "Does ta think aw +do?" "Eea, aw'm sure tha does!" "Why aw dooant feel to ail owt 'at aw +know on,' but aw dooant think 'at this hawkin agrees wi me so weel." +"Happen net, Billy! it doesn't agree wi ivery body, but tha mun tak care +o' thisen, nah do!" When he'd getten a bit farther another chap met +him:--"Well Billy!" he sed, "ha's trade lukkin this mornin lad?" "Things +is lukkin rayther black this mornin." "Tha luks white enuff onyway, has +ta been havin another wick o' 'cold porrige aitin?" "Nay aw hav'nt! but +aw dooant feel quite as weel as aw do sometimes, for aw fancy this job +doesn't agree wi me." "Aw dooant think it does bi' th' luk on thi, if +tha gooas on tha'll be able ta tak a lodger i' that suit o' clooas, +tha'll ha room enuff,--but tak care o' thisen, lad." Poor Billy wor +beginnin to feel poorly already, but when another met him an' axed him +if it wor h' furst time he'd been aght latly, it knock'd th' breeath +reig aght on him. He tried to shaat "puttates!" but he nobbut gate hauf +way throo, for when he'd sed "put!" he had'nt breeath left to say +"tates." "This'll niver do," he said, "aw mun goa hooam an' to bed, its +noa gooid trailin abaat th' streets this fashion, a'a, ha badly aw do +feel! an' all's come on soa sudden! A'a, man! man! what are ta?--as +sooin as th' organ strings get aght o' tune, tha'rt noa moor fit for nor +a barrel baght bottom, nor as mich! for they could turn a barrel tother +end up; but man! a'a dear a me!" "Gee up, Neddy, aw'm feeard tha'll +sooin have to luk aght for a new maister." + +When Billy gate hooam wi' his donkey, his mother wor fair capt. "What's +up, Billy," shoo sed, "Has ta sell'd up?" "Nay, mother, aw've nooan +sell'd up, but aw'm ommost done up: get that bed ready an' let me lig me +daan a bit." "Why what's th' matter? Has ta hurt thi or summat?" "Noa, +but aw'm varry poorly." "Where does ta feel to ail owt, lad!" "Aw dooant +know, aw think it's all ovver me, dooant yo think aw luk ill, mother?" +"Luk ill! why tha knows lad, aw dooant think it's allus safe to judge +fowk bi ther luks, but aw mun say aw nivver saw thi lookin better i' mi +life." "Why but aw must be poorly, mother, for two or three fowk has +tell'd me soa this marnin." Just then three or four heeads pop'd off th' +side o' th' jawm an' set up a gurt laff. Billy luk'd an' saw it wor th' +same chaps 'at had been tell in him ha ill he luk'd. "A'a Billy!" sed +his mother, "aw wonder when tha'll leearn a bit o' wit, tha sees they've +nobbut been makkin gam on thee." "Aw see," he sed, "but they've nooan +chaited me soa varry far after all, for aw'm blow'd if aw iver did +believe it! Gee up, Neddy!" an' away he went to his wark. + +But like monny a chap 'at's considered rayther soft, he worn't all soft, +an' one bit ov a trick he did is worth tellin. He'd been aght one day +tryin to sell some red yearin, but it seemed as if noabdy wanted owt o' +that sooart that day, an' as he wor commin back, a lot o' chaps wor +stood at th' corner o' th' fold, an' one on 'em stop'd him an says, "Ha +is it tha'rt bringin thi yearin back agean?" "Coss ther's noabdy 'll +buy' em," sed Billy. "Well what does ta want for em?" "Aw'l tak owt aw +can get, if aw can find a customer, but aw'st net find one here aw +know." "Come dooant tawk so fast, Billy!" sed th' chap, winkin at his +mates, "ha mich are they worth?" "They should be worth ninepence." "Well +aw'l bet thee hauf a crown 'at aw can find thee a customer, if tha'll +take what he offers thee for em." "Well aw dooant oft bet," sed Billy, +"but aw'l bet thee haulf a craan if tha offers me a price aw'l tak it." +"Done," sed th' chap, an' th' stakes wor put into a friend's hand to +hold. "Nah then!" he sed, "aw'! gie thee a penny for th' lot." "They're +thine," sed Billy, an' he handed 'em ovver. "That's nooan a bad trade," +he sed, "a penny an' hauf-a-craan for ninepennorth o' yearin." Th' chap +sa'w 'at he wor done, an' he luk'd rayther dropt on, an' ov coarse his +mates wor suited. "Niver heed," sed Billy "aw dooant like to be hard o' +anybody, soa if tha doesn't want 'em aw'l buy' em back at th' same +price." "By gow, Billy! tha'rt a trump," sed th' chap, "tak th' yearins +an' gie me hold o'th' brass." Billy took th' yearings, an' handed him a +penny. "Nay! gieme th' hauf-craan an' all," sed th' chap. "Nooan soa, +sed Billy, aw've gien thee th' same price for' em as tha gave me, an' aw +know aw'm net as sharp as some, but as aw've ninepenorth o' yearin left, +an a hauf-a-craan moor i' mi pocket, aw fancy aw've made a profit. An' +th' next time tha wants to mak a fooil ov a chap, start o' somdy 'at's +less wit nor this en, an' then tha weant be dropt on." + +That wornt a bad move ov a chap they call Silly Billy. + + + + +Put up wi' it. + + +Aw think aw could tell what day it wor th o' aw didn't know if aw could +see a lot o' factry fowk gooin to ther wark. Mondy's easy to tell, +becoss th' lasses have all clean approns on, an' ther hair hasn't lost +its Sundy twists, an' twines ther faces luk ruddier an' ther een +breeter. Tuesdy, ther's a change; they're not quite as prim lukkin! ther +topping luk fruzzier, an' ther's net as monny shignons as ther wor th' +day before. Wednesday,--they just luk like hard-workin fowk 'at live to +wark an' wark to live. Ther's varry few faces have a smile on 'em, an' +th' varry way they set daan ther clogs seems to say, "Wark-a-day, +Live-a-day, Laik-a-day, Get-noa-pay; Rain-or-noa, Bun-to-goa." +Thursdy.--They luk cross, an' ther heeads are abaat hauf-a-yard i' +advance o' ther tooas. Ther clogs seem to ha made up ther mind net to +goa unless they're made. Friday.--That's pay day. Noa matter ha full +ther belly may be, ther's a hungry luk abaat ther een; an'ther's a lot +on 'em huggin baskets; an' yo can see it written i' ther faces 'at if +they dar leeave as sooin as they've getten ther bit o' brass they wod. +Then comes Setterday --Short day--an' yo can tell th' difference as +sooin as yo clap een on' em. They're all i' gooid spirits. They luk at +th' church clock as they pass, an' think it'll sooin be nooin, an' +then!--An' then what? Why, then they'll have a day an' a hauf for +thersen--abaat one fifth o' ther life--one fifth o' ther health an' +strength for thersen. That doesn't luk mich, but ther fain on it. They +owt to be thankful becoss they live in a free country. They can suit +thersen's whether they do that, or go to th' workhaase. Justice, they +say, is blind, an' if Freedom isn't, shoo must be put to th' blush +sometimes. + + Who'd be a slave, when Freedom smiling stands, + To strike the gyves from of his fettered hands? + Who'd be a slave, and cringe, and bow the knee, + And kiss the hand that steals his liberty? + Behold the bird that flits from bough to bough; + What though at times the wintry blasts may blow,-- + Happier it feels, half frozen in its nest, + Than caged, though fed and fondled and caressed. + 'Tis said, 'on Briton's shore no slave shall dwell,' + But have you heard not the harsh clanging bell, + Or the discordant whistles' yelling voice, + That says, 'Work slave, or starve! That is your choice!' + And have you never seen the aged and grey, + Panting along its summons to obey; + Whilst little children run scarce half awake, + Sobbing as tho' ther little hearts would break + And stalwart men, with features stern and grave, + That seem to say, "I scorn to be a slave." + He is no slave;--he is a Briton free, + A noble sample of humanity. + This may be liberty,--the ass, the horse, + Wear out their lives in routine none the worse. + They only toil all day,--then eat and sleep, + They have no wife or children dear to keep. + Better, far better, is the tattered lout, + Who, tho' all so-called luxuries without, + Can stand upon the hill-side in the morn, + And watch the shadows flee as day is born. + Tho' with a frugal meal his fast he breaks, + And from the spring his crystal draught he takes, + Better, far better, seems that man to mel + For he owns Heaven's best gift,--his liberty. + +Aw dooant believe i' idleness--aw hate a chap 'at's too lazy to do his +share--but what aw dooant like is 'at he should have to wark just +exactly when, an' whear, an' for just soa mich (or, aw owt to say, just +soa little) as another chap thinks fit. They'll say, if he doesn't like +it he can leave it. Happen net--may be he can't get owt else, an' he's a +haase an' family to luk after. Then they'll say, 'if he can't better +hissen he mun _put up wi' it._' That's what he is dooin, an' it's +_puttin up wi' it_ 'at's makkin him soa raand shouldered. It's +_puttin up wi' it_ 'at's made them hollow cheeks an' dull heavy een. + + + + +A Queer Dream. + + +Eight haars wark, eight haars play, eight haars sleep, an' eight shillin +a day.--That saands nice; but them 'at live to see it will live to see +moor nor aw it expect to see. Patience is a varty, soa let's have +patience. Things are better nor they wor, an' they're bun to improve. +Th' thin end o' th' wedge has getten under th' faandation o' that idol +'at tyranny an' fraud set up long sin, an' although fowk bow to it yet, +they dooant do it wi' th' same reverence. Give it a drive wheniver +you've a chonce, an' some day yo'll see it topple ovver, an' once daan +it'll crumble to bits, an' can niver be put up agean. I' th' paper +t'other day, aw saw a report ov a speech whear a chap kept mentionin his +three thaasand hands. He sed nowt abaat three thasand men an' +wimmen--they wor his 'hands'--his three thaasand human machines, an' aw +couldn't help thinkin 'at it wor a pity 'at they'd iver been born wi' +heads an' hearts, they owt to ha been all _hands,_ an' then they'd ha +suited him better. An' he seemed to think bi th' way he tawk'd, 'at but +for him theas three thaasand _hands_ wad ha had to starve, but +Providence had raised him up o' purpose to find 'em summat to do. He +didn't throw aght a hint 'at but for his three thaasand _hands_ he'd a +niver ha been i' Parliament. He didn't think he owed' em owt, net he! +What wor he born for? Why, ov coarse, he wor born to have three thaasand +_hands_. An' what wor th' hands born for? To work for him. It's simple +enuff if you can nobbut see it. Aw had a dream t'other neet, aw'l tell +yo abaat it. Aw thowt ther wor a little chap, he didn't stand moor nor +abaat six or seven inches heigh, but he wor dress'd like a king, an' he +had a sceptre in his hand, an' he had hundreds, may be thaasands, for aw +couldn't caan't 'em, ov _hands_ (aw should call 'em men an' wimmen, +but he call'd 'em _hands_), an' they each stood abaat six feet. Some +wor daycently clooathed, an' some wor hardly clooathed at all, an' they +wor all working to build him a palace; but they wor building it as big +as if a thaasand giants wor to live in it, an' th' stooans an' timbers +wor soa heavy wol they ommost sank under ther looads; an' at times they +seemed soa worn aght 'at aw thowt they'd be foorced to give it up. But +th' little king coom strutting raand wi' his sceptre, an' they lifted +him up i' ther arms, one bi' one, an' he patted' em o' ther cheeks, an' +then they set him daan agean an' went on wi' ther wark, an' he went back +to his velvet cushions an' ligged daan an' laff'd. But ther Iooads kept +gettin heavier, an' at last they wor soa worn aght 'at they detarmined +to goa an' ax him to ease 'em a bit or to give 'em a rest; but when they +spake to him he jumpt up an' shook his sceptre at 'em, an' as sooin as +they saw that they all ran back to ther wark terrified aght o' ther wit, +an' he ordered ther looads to be made heavier still, an' if one on em +offered to complain he shook his sceptre, an' he ran back to his labour. +Aw wondered to mysen whativer this sceptre could be made on 'at should +mak it be such a terror to 'em, an' aw crept behund him wol he wor +asleep, an' put it i' mi pocket, an' then aw hid behund a pillar to +watch 'em. In a bit some on' em grew tired an' luk'd towards th' king, +an' he jumpt up an' felt for his sceptre, but it had gooan, an' then +they rubbed ther een an' luk'd at him, an' then they laff'd an' call'd +all t'others to join' em. Then they picked up th' little king to luk at, +an' they all laff'd, an' th' moor he stormed an' th' better it suited +'em, an' they put him on a square stooan an' made him donce a jig, an' +wol he wor dancing aw tuk aght th' septre to Iuk at, an' aw saw it wor a +ten paand nooat rolled up like a piece o' pipe stopper, an' a hauf a +sovereign at th' end on it. Then they all set up a gurt shaat an' went +off, leavin him to build his own palace, an' as they hustled past me aw +wakkened. + + + + +The Mystery of Burt's Babby + + +Chapter I. + +It sets me thinkin', sometimes, when aw tak a rammel abaat th' hills an' +valleys o' mi own neighborhood, what i' th' name o' fortun' maks ivvery +body lang to get as far away throo hooam as they can to enjoy thersens. +Change o' air may be gooid nah an' then; but as aw've travelled a bit +misen, an' visited all them spots 'at they favour mooast, an' seen ha +fowk conduct thersens 'at goa for th' benefit o' ther health, it strikes +me 'at change o' air is a varry poor excuse, for it's just a spree 'at +they goa for, an' nowt else, nine times aght o' ten. + +Last June, aw had two or three days to call mi own (an', by gow! if yo +nivver worked in a miln, yo dooant knaw what a blessing that is), an' aw +tuk a walk as far as Pellon, an' then dahn throo Birks Hall an' ovver +th' Shrogs to Ovenden, then throo Illingworth to Keighley, an' on as far +as Steeton. (Ony body 'at thinks that isn't fur enuff for one day can +try it thersen, an' see ha they like it.) + +When aw gets to th' Gooat's Heead, aw wor fain to sit daan an' rest a +bit. A pint o' ale ran daan mi throit just like teemin it daan a sink +pipe, an' when aw set daan to th' cold roast beef an' pickled cabbage; +well, yo' may think aw did it justice, but aw didn't, for that mait had +nivver done me ony harm, an' th' way aw punished it was disgraceful, +tho' I say it misen; an' when th' landlady coom in to tak away th' bit +ther wor left (an' it worn't mich), aw saw her luk raand to mak sure 'at +ther wor nobbut one 'at had been pickin' off that. Aw felt soa shamed +'at aw wor ivver so long befor' aw dar ax her ha much aw owed, an' when +shoo said eightpence, aw blushed like a pyannet, and paid it, but aw +knew varry weel 'at aw wor a shillin' i' debt then if ivverybody had +ther own. Hasumivver shoo were satisfied; in fact, shoos allus +satisfied, shoo'd nivver ha' been as big as shoo is if shoo let little +things bother her (an shoo has lots o' bonny little things running +abaat). Well, aw went to bed, an' slept till mornin'. Aw can't say +whether all were quiet or not, for nowt could ha' disturbed me, aw +believe aw should ha' slept saandly if ther'd been Sowerby Brig Local +Booard o' one side, an' th' Stainland School Booard o' t'other, an' th' +Haley Hill bell ringers playin' "Hail, smilin' morn." at th' bed feet. +But all this has nowt to do wi what aw intended tell in' yo abaat. + +Next mornin aw gate up, an' after braikfast (sich a braikfast! aw nivver +felt soa stuck up i' all mi life as aw felt after gettin' that +braikfast, aw couldn't even bend to see if mi shoes were blackened) aw +set aght agean, an' went as far as Silsden. Nah, for th' information o' +fowk at wor nivver thear, aw may as weel tell yo a thing or two. Silsden +wor nivver planned, it grew, just like th' brackens i' th' woods, +throwin' aght a branch one way or another, as it thowt fit. Thers one or +two fact'rys, a nail shop or two, two or three brigs, some nice chapels, +an' th' rummest owd pile for a church' at yo'll meet in a day's march; a +lot o' nice, clean cottages, tenanted wi strong men an' hearty lukkin +women, wi hearts i' ther breasts as big as bullocks, an' as monny +childer raand th' doors as if they wor all infant schooils; an' a varry +fair sprinklin' o' public haases. + +Nah monny a one would wonder ha soa monny fowks could live an' thrive i' +sich a place--aw wonder misen; an' some wod wonder whear all th' fowk +coom throo to fill ther chapels an' church: but aw doant wonder at that, +for wheriver there's a lot o' wimmen an' lasses 'at can spooart nice +Sunday clooas there's sure to be a lot 'at'll goa to places o' worship +to show' em; an' whear th' lasses, are, there will th' lads be also. (Aw +believe that's a quotation, but awm net sure.) An' th' publics--they +tell me they niver wod ha' been able to get on at all if it hadn't been +for th' Sunday closin', but as sooin as fowk see th' doors shut they +begin to feel dry, an' as th' constable is a chap' at wodn't lower his +dignity bi goin' to see if fowks back doors wor oppen, things wark +pratty weel. It wor at th' Red Lion aw thawt aw'd stop this time (that's +whear iverybody stops 'at knows what gooid grub is; an' it's worth +sixpence any time to see Tommy's face when he's mad, an' a shillin to +see his wife's an' hear her laff when shoo's suited). It wor here 'at +this tale wor tell'd to me--its's rayther sorrowful, but then it may +happen to be relished bi some 'at read it. + +Sally Bray worn't a beauty, but shoo wor what yo'd call a nice lass. Her +hair an' een wor black as sloes, an' her cheeks wor ommost as red as her +lips, an' they wor like cherries; her teeth wor as white as a china cup, +but her noas worn't mich to crack on. Shoo wor rayther short an' dumpy, +but ther wor allus sich a pleasant smile abaat her face, an' shoo wor +soa gooid tempered at ivvery body liked her an' had a kind word for "awr +Sal," as they called her. Nah Sally worn't like other lasses in one +respect, shoo nivver tawked abaat having a felly, an' if others sed owt +abaat sweethearts an' trolled her for net havin' one, shoo'd luk at 'em +wi her een blazin' like two fireballs, but nivver a word could they get +her to say. Shoo had noa father or mother, nor any relation i' th' +world, unless it wor a brother, an' shoo didn't know whether he wor +livin' or net, for he'd run away to sea when a little lad, an' shoo'd +nivver heeard on him agean; but it wor noaticed 'at when once a sailor +happened to call at th' Lion one day, 'at shoo showed him moor favor nor +shoo'd showed any body else, an' even sat beside him for an haar, to +hear him tell abaat ships an' storms. Well, he wor th' only one shoo +ivver had showed any fancy for, an' he wor th' last, for little moor nor +a year after that Sally had gooan. + + +Chapter II. + +One mornin', about eight or nine months after that sailor's visit, a +young farmer happened to be walkin' across one o' th' fields 'at formed +a part o' th' Crow Tree Farm, when he saw a little hillock wi' fresh +gathered wildflowers, an' bending daan wondering at sich a thing should +be i' sich a place, all lonely an' barren, he noticed some fresh soil +scattered raand it. Rooting wi his fingers, he sooin com to a little +bundle, an' what should he see when he oppened it, but a bonny little +babby, lukkin' as sweet an' pure as th' flaars 'at had been strewed ower +it. + +He wor a rough sooart ov a young chap, but noabody could ha handled that +little thing more tenderly nor he did. "That's noa place to bury the +likes o' thee," he sed; "aw dooant know who or what tha art, but tha +shall have a better burying place nor that, if aw have to pay for it +misen." + +He folded it up carefully, an' carried it to th' farmhouse cloise by, +an' when he entered it, slowly an' solemnly, an' laid his strange bundle +on th' table, th' farmer's wife and dowters gethered raand an' eagerly +axed "What's to do, Burt? What has to getten thear? Thou luks as if +tha'd stown summat." "Aw've stown nowt, but aw've fun summat, an' aw've +browt it here to be takken care on, wol aw cun tell what to do wi' it." +He unteed his kertchey, an' when they saw what were in it th' lasses +shriked an' ran away, declaring they'd ha' nowt to do wi' it; but th' +owd woman luked at it a minit, and then turnin' to Burt, shoo sed, +"Burt, is this some o' thy work, or what is it? Tell me all abaat it, +an' mind tha spaiks truth." + +Burt telled all he knew, an' wol he wor repeatin' ivvery thing just as +it happened, owd Mary (that's what th' farmer's wife wor allus called) +wor examinin' th' little thing, an' handlin' it as noabody but an owd +mother can handle sich tender things, "Why, Burt," shoo sed, "it cannot +ha' been thear monny minits, for it's warm yet." "Here, lasses," shoo +cried, "get me some warm water. Luk sharp, aw'm blessed if aw believe +th' little thing's deead." An' th' owd woman wor reight, for it, hadn't +been long i' th' warm watter when it opened its little peepers. An' if +onybody can say 'at Burt cannot dance a single step, Heelan' fling, a +hornpipe, an' owt else, all at once, aw say they lie, for th' way he +capered raand that kitchen wor a caution. + +"Aw fun it, an' it belangs to me," he sed; "get aght o' th' gate, +there's noabody nowt to do wi' that but me." + +"Hold thi din, tha gurt maddlin', are ta wrang i' thi head? Does ta +think tha can suckle a child?" This sooart o' sobered him. "Aw nivver +thowt o' that," he sed, "cannot yo' suckle it for me, Mary?" "If tha +tawks sich tawk to me, aw'll mash thi head wi th' rollin' pin; my +suckling days wor ower twenty years sin." + +"Well, one o' th' lasses 'll happen suckle it for me," he sed. At this +t'dowters flew at him like two wild cats, an' wanted to know "if he'd +owt to say agen their karracters?" + +"Awve nowt to say agean noboddy's karracters," he sed, "but aw know this +mich, 'at if aw wor a gurt young woman like one o' yo, aw could suckle a +bit o' a thing like that. Why it doesn't weigh four pund." "Burt," said +owd Mary, "tha doesn't know what tha'art tawkin' abaat, aw'll luk after +this if tha'll goa an' fotch a cunstable as sharp as tha con." + +"What mun aw fotch a cunstable for? yo' ain't going to have it locked +up, are yo'?" + +"Noa, but aw want to find th' woman that belangs to it." + +"Ther isn't noa woman at belangs to it," sed Burt, "it belangs to me, aw +fun it. Aw'm blowed if it isn't trying to tawk, did ta hear it, Mary?" + +"A'a soft-heead, that's th' wind 'at its gettin' off its stummack. Away +wi thi an' fotch th' cunstable, as aw tell thi. But befoor tha gooas, +bring me a drop o' new milk aght o' th' mistal, an' get me a bit o' +breead, an' awl see if it'll tak some sops." + +Burt hurried off, an' in a minit wor back wi a can holdin' abaat two +gallons, an' a looaf ommast as big as th' faandation stooan for a +church. + +"Nay, Burt, what will ta do next, aw'm sure tha's gooan clean off thi +side. Tha's browt moor milk nor ud feed all th' childer i' Silsden for a +month." + +"Doant yo' be feeared abaat th' milk," sed Burt, "awl pay for it; let it +have summat to ait. Tun summat into it. Aw wonder if it ud like a drop +o' hooam-brewed?" "If tha doesn't mak thisen scarce aw'll break ivvery +booan i' thi skin. Haven't aw getten enuff to do wi' this brat, withaat +been bothered wi' thee! Go and fetch that cunstable when aw tell thi." + +"Well, if aw mun goa, aw'll goa, but mind what yo're doing with that +thing, an' dooant squeeze it." After lukkin' at it once moor, an' seeing +it sneeze, he started off to th' village happier nor any man within a +hundred mile. + +It didn't tak Burt long to find th' cunstable, for he knew th' haase +where he slept most ov his time, and they wor sooin up at owd Mary's. +They'd a fine time when they gat there too, for th' child wer asleep, +and Mary refused to let onybody disturb it. Burt declared it wor his, an +he'd a reight to see it when he liked; an'th' cunstable sed he wor armed +wi law an' should tak it into custody whether it wor asleep or net. +Mary's husband wor upstairs confined to bed wi rhumatics, but th' +dowters had tell'd him all abaat Burt's adventure, an' as he could hear +all 'at wor sed, he furst began to feel uneasy, an' then to loise his +temper, soa he seized his crutch an' ran daan stairs like a lad o' +sixteen, an' laid abaat him reight an' left, an' i' less nor a minit +Burt, th' cunstable, an' owd Mary wor aghtside. + +"Nah," he sed, as he stood i' th' doorhoil, puffin' an' blowin', wi' his +crutch ovver his shoulder, like a musket, "Aw'll let yo see whose child +that is! It wor fun i' my field, an' it belangs to me. What my land +produces belangs to me, noa matter whether it's childer or chicken +weed!" Things wor i' this state when one o' th' dowters showed her heead +aght o' th' winder an' cried, "Mother, it's wakkened, an' it's suckin' +it's thumb as if it wor clammed to deeath." "Mary," sed th' owd man, +"does ta mean to starve that child to deeath? coss if tha cannot luk +after it, aw'll luk after it mysel'." This wor th' signal for all to goa +inside, an' a bonnier pictur' yo nivver saw nor that war when owd Mary +sat wi' that little thing on her lap, givin' it sops, an' three big, +strong, but kind-hearted fellows, sat raand, watchin' ivvery bit it tuk +as if ther own livin' depended on it. Ther war a gooid deeal o' 'fendin' +an' provin', but whear that child coom fra an' who wor it's mother +noabody could tell. Time passed, an' as Mary sed th' child thrived like +wood, an' ivverybody called it "Burt's Babby." Burt wor a decent, +hard-workin' lad, an' had for a long time luk'd longin'ly at one o' +Mary's dowters, an' one day ther wor a stir i' th' village, an' Burt war +seen donned up like a dummy at a cloas shop, an' wi' a young woman +linked to his arm as if shoo thowt he wor goin' to flyaway, an' it +wanted all her weight to keep him daan, an' claise behind, wor th' owd +farmer an' his wife, owd Mary Muggin, an' th' little babby. + +It didn't tak th' parson monny minits to tee' em together for better an' +for worse, an' then Burt took th' babby an' gave it to his bride, +sayin', "Here's summat towards haase keepin' anyway." An' shoo tuk it +an' kussed it as if it had been ther own. They went to live at a nice +little farm, an' th' owd fowk gave' em a gooid start. Sally Bray had +allus shown a fondness for Burt's babby, 'at fowk could hardly accaant +for, an' shoo went an' offered her sarvices as sarvant an' nurse, an' +nivver did ony body seem soa fond of a child as Sally did o' that. + +Things went on nicely for a while, an' then th' scarlet fever coom; +every day saw long sorrowful processions follerin' little coffins, an' +ivery body luk'd sad an' spake low. + +At last, Burt's babby wor takken sick, an' all they could do couldn't +save it, an' early one mornin' it shut it's een, an' went its way to +join those 'at had gone before. + +Burt an' his wife wor varry mich troubled, but it war Sally Bray 'at +suffered mooast. They couldn't get her to leave that cold still form, +soa they left her with it till her grief should be softened; an' when +some time had passed, they went to call her, but it wor no use, for her +spirit had goan to tend Burt's babby. + +After shoo wor buried, some papers were picked aght o' one o' Sally's +boxes, and it were sed' at they explained all, but what they were Burt +an' his wife nivver telled, so it still remains a mystery. + +At th' grave side stood a fine young chap, who dropt monny a tear as th' +coffin wor lowered. He wor sed to be verry like that strange sailor 'at +had once before visited th' village. When Burt passed him he gave him a +purse, sayin' "for a gravestone," and went away noabody knew whear. Some +sed it was Sally's brother, but noabody seems to know. + +Anybody 'at likes to tak a walk an' call at that little graveyard can +see a plain stoan 'at says + + SALLY BRAY, + AN' + BURT'S BABBY. + + + + +Mak th' best on't. + + +They say it taks nine tailors to mak a man. Weel, all aw have to say +abaat it is, 'at aw've known some men i' mi time, 'at it ud tak nineteen +to mak a tailor. Why some simpletons seem to think 'at they've a right +to mak fun ova chap becoss he's a tailor, aw can't see. They're +generally praad enuff o' ther clooas--then why not be praad o' th' fowk +'at mak 'em. Ther's a deal o' fowk 'at wodn't be as weel off as they are +if it worn't for th' tailors. But it's noa use tawkin, for ther's some +'at couldn't live if they didn't find summat to say a word agean. + + A little word 'at's easy sed, + Sometimes may heal a smart; + A cruel word or luk instead, + May help to braik a heart. + + Men hang together like a chain, + Tho' varied be ther plan; + Each link hangs by another link, + Man hangs to brother man. + +But a gooid word throo some is as scarce as a white crow. They're +iverlastingly lukking aght for faults an' failins, an' gooid words an' +gooid deeds are things they niver think are due to onnybody but thersen. + + Life's pathway could oft be made pleasant, + If fowk wor to foller this plan; + Throo a prince ov the throne to a peasant, + To do a gooid turn when they can. + +But they'll nawther do a gooid turn thersen nor let onybody else do one +if they can help it. They seem to be born wi' soa mich eliker i' ther +blooid 'at if they come i' contact wi' ony sweet milk o' human kindness, +'at it curdles it. Whether it's ther own fault or th' fault o' ther +mother aitin too many saar gooisberries before they wor born aw can't +tell. Aw've met some soa ill contrived 'at they wodn't let th' sun shine +on onybody's puttaty patch but ther own if they could help it. + +Nah this class o' fowk have generally one or two noations o' ther own +'at they think iverybody else owt to be ruled by. One'll be a strict +teetotaller, an' consider 'at onybody 'at taks a drop o' drink is gooin +to a place whear top coits wiln't be needed. Another belangs to some +sect, an' doesn't hesitate to say 'at onybody 'at gooas to a Concert +Hall has signed a contract wi' that dark complexioned owd snoozer 'at +wears horns an' wags a tail. They've been at th' trouble to chalk aght a +line for iverybody else to walk on, tho' they know varry weel 'at they +dooant allus keep to it thersen when ther's nubdy lukkin. + +Well, let them 'at relish th' saars have' em to ther hearts' content, +but dooant try to prevent other fowk havin some o' th' sweets. Aw'm one +o' them 'at likes th' sweets best, an' if they'll nobbut let me alooan +aw'll promise niver to mell o' them. + +Grooanin, mooanin, an' grummelin, is abaat th' warst way o' spendin +one's time. If yo come in for a lot o' gooid things, enjoy 'em wol yo've +th' chance, an' dooant pass by ivery flaar 'at smiles along yor path for +fear yo may find a twitch-clock i' one. An' if things dooant turn aght +just as gooid as yo'd like' em, try to mak th' best o' th' bit o' gooid +ther is in 'em. + + They tell me this world's full o' trouble, + An' each one comes in for a share; + An' pleasure they say is a bubble, + 'At gooas floating away up in th' air. + But aw'll niver give way to repinin, + Tho' th' claads may luk gloomy an' black, + For they all have a silvery linin, + An' some day shall breeten awr track. + Let other fowk brood o'er ther sorrow, + From each day enjoyment we'll borrow, + Let to-morrow tak care ov to-morrow, + An strive to be happy to-day. + + + + +Mrs Spaiktruth's Pairty. + + +It ud be a gooid thing if somdy could find a remedy for backbitin an' +gossipin:--for lyin an' stailin an' a lot moor things o'th' same sooart +'at's varry common. Last year aw gate an invitation to a woman's tea +drinkin, an' ov coarse aw went, for aw niver miss a chonce o' enjoyin +mysen if aw can do it withaat mich expense. Th' warst o' this do wor' at +ther wor noa man amang, em but me, an' aw shouldn't a been thear, but +Mistress Spaiktruth wanted me to repoart th' speeches, an' as shoo wor +givin th' pairty shoo set at th' end o'th' table an' teem'd aght th' +teah an' Mistress Snipenooas put th' rum in. After iverybody had getten +supplied ther wor quietness for abaat five minutes, an' altho' nobdy +wanted owt to ait, fatty cakes an' buttered muffins went aght o'th' seet +like winkin. After th' second cup one or two began whisperin a bit, an' +after th' third, it wor like being i' th' middle ov a lot o' geese; they +wor all cacklin at once, an' judging bi th' smiles o' ther faces they +felt very happy. When th' pots wor sided (an' they'd takken gooid care +to leave nowt but th' pots to side), they drew up in a ring raand th' +fire, an' Mrs. Spaiktruth wor put i'th' rockin chair to rule th' +proceedins. + +'Nah, lasses,' shoo sed, 'aw havnt mich to say nobbut to tell yo all at +yor varry welcome, an' aw hooap yo've all made a gooid drinkin ('we have +lass!') 'an aw hooap we shall have some gooid speeches throo some on +yo', for aw know thers some gooid tawkers amang yo, but this year's +meetin is to be conducted on a different plan to onny we've had befoor. +Ther hasn't to be ony gossipin or backbitin, an' them 'at cannot say a +few words withaat scandalizin ther neighbours, blagardin ther own +husbands, or throwin aght hints likely to injure sombdy's else, munnot +spaik at all.' + +When Mrs. Spaiktruth had finished, th' wimmen luk'd one at another, fast +what to mak on it. Two or three o'th' older end settled thersen daan for +a sleep, an' th' rest luk'd as faal as a mule i' th' sulks. Aw pooled +aght mi book to tak daan th' speeches, an' this is my repooart.-- + + _1st Speech._--'Let's goa lasses.' + _2nd Speech._--'Ther's nowt to stop here for.' + _3rd Speech._--'Aw'll goa too, awm feard o' goin bi mysen i' th' + dark.' + _4th Speech._--'Awr childer'll be waitin for me.' + _5th Speech._--'It's my weshin day to morn, soa aw want to get to + bed i' daycent time.' + _6th Speech._--(Five or six at once) 'Come on.' + +Th' meetin braik up varry early, an' as sooin as they'd getten aght +side, aw heeard 'em sayin 'at Mistress Spaiktruth wor naa better nor +shoo should be, an' if shoo thowt shoo could put on airs wi' them shoo +wor varry mich mistakken, an' as for gossipin, shoo wor th' longest +tongued woman i' th' neighbourhood, an' they declared they'd niver enter +a haase shoo kept agean. Aw saw Mrs. Spaiktruth next day, an' aw sed, +'ther worn't mich tawkin at yor teah drinkin last neet,' shoo smiled, +but all shoo sed wor 'Silence is better nor slander.' + + + + +Why Tommy isn't a Deacon. + + +Tommy wor allus considered to be th' tip top in his trade. His worn't a +common sooart ov a callin like wayvin, or spinnin, or coil leeadin. He +nobbut had to deal wi'th' heeads o'th' community. Th' fact is he wor a +barber; an' ther's monny a chap at awd moor o' thear gooid fortun to th' +way he fixed up th' aghtside o' thear heeads, nor what they did to th' +fixin i'th' inside. + +Aw've monny a time thowt when aw've seen him thrang 'at his trade wor +just a reight schooil for a chap to gaa to, to leearn to have contempt +for wod-be gurt fowk, for aw've seen chaps come in lukkin as fierce as a +pot-lion, an ommost makkin yo tremel wi' th' way they sed' gooid +mornin,' but as sooin as they've getten set daan, an' a gurt print +table-cloth tucked under ther chin, an' lathered up to ther een, they've +sat as quiet an' luk'd as sheepish as a chap' at's just been to see his +sweetheart get wed. + +Well, ther wor nobbut one thing 'at Tommy aspired to, moor nor what he +had, an' that wor to be a deacon. Net 'at he knew owt abaat what a +deacon owt to be, or owt to do, but becoss a chap 'at used to goa to th' +same schooil when they wor lads, had getten made a deacon at th' +Starvhoil Baptists' Chapel, an' Tommy didn't like to be behund hand; an' +then agean ther wor a woman in th' case. + +Tommy had allus been a pretty regular attender at auther one chapel or +another, but he'd niver stuck to one i' particular, for he liked to hear +different preachers, an' he didn't feel varry anxious to pay pew rent. +But just abaat this time summat happened 'at made a change in him. + +Cloise to whear he lived ther wor a chap 'at kept a sausage shop, an' he +wor takken sick an' deed, an' his widder sent for Tommy to come an' +shave him befoor he wor burrid, an' he did it i' sich a nice an' +considerate way, an' tawked soa solemn, an' pooled sich a long face, 'at +he gate invited to th' funeral, an wor axed to be one o'th' bearers an' +as he nobbut stood abaat four feet in his booits, he consented at once, +for as t'other five chaps all stood abaat six feet, he knew he wodn't +have mich to carry. + +When th' funeral wor nicely ovver, an' they gate back to th' haase, they +wor all invited to stop an' have a bit o' summat to ait, an' as sausage +wor th' handiest o' owt to cook, shoo axed 'em if they'd have some. +Nubdy'd owt to say agean it, but Tommy didn't seem satisfied, an' when +th' widder saw it shoo sed, 'may be, Tommy sausage doesn't agree wi' +yo,--is thear owt else yo'd like?' + +"Well," he sed, "aw've nowt agean sausage, but aw think 'at black +pudding wad be moor appropriate for a burrin." + +"Tha'd happen like black beer to swill it daan," sed one. "Nah, yo 'at +want sausage can have it, an' them 'at likes black puddin can have +that," shoo sed.' An' varry sooin ther wor a dish o' booath befoor' em, +but nubdy seemed to fancy th' black pudding nobbut Tommy, an aw dooant +think he enjoyed' em mich, for they worn't varry fresh. + +'Get some moor, Tommy,' shoo sed, 'it does me gooid to see you ait 'em, +for they wor the last thing awr Jack made i' this world, an' aw like to +see some respect paid to him. He little thowt when he wor makkin them +'at he'd be deead wi' th' small-pox an' burrid in a wick.' Wi' this shoo +began to cry, an' as th' mourners kept leavin one bi one, ther wor sooin +nubdy left but Tommy to sympathise wi' her, an' as ivery time he sed owt +shoo shoved him another black puddin on his plate, he began to think it +time he went hooam, for if shoo kept on at that rate it wodn't tak long +to mak another burrin. In a bit he wor forced to stop, an' he sed he +thowt it wor time for him to goa; but shoo put her hand on his heead an' +luk'd daan at him soa sorrowful like, as shoo lifted daan a black bottle +aght o'th' cubbord, wol he couldn't find in his heart to leave her, soa +sittin daan they had a drop o' gin an' watter together, for shoo wanted +some to draand her sorrow, an he wanted summat to settle his stummack. +Then he began lukkin raand, an' he wor capt to find what a nice +comfortable haase shoo had, an' all th' furniture as gooid as new; and +ivery glass he tuk he fancied shoo wor better lukkin nor he'd seen her +befoor, an' as he didn't offer to leave as long as th' gin lasted, bi +th'time it wor done he thowt he'd niver seen a widder 'at suited him as +weel, an' as he wanted a wife he couldn't help thinkin 'at he mud do wor +nor try to find room thear to hing his hat up. + +He knew at shoo wor varry nicely off an' could affoord to live withaat +th' sausage shop, an' although shoo wor big enuff to mak two sich chaps +as him, he didn't think that wor onny objection. + +He niver knew exactly ha he gate hooam that neet, but he went to bed an' +dreamt 'at he wor riding in a hearse to get wed to th' widder, an' th' +trees on booath sides o'th' road wor hung wi' garlands o' black pudding. + +Two months had passed, an' Tommy hadn't let his sympathy stop wi' th' +funeral, but used to call regularly once a wick to see her, an' allus +went to the same chapel ov a Sunday, an' tuk care to dress all i' black, +an' had a black band raand his hat, which coom in varry weel to cover up +th' grease spots; an' one neet as they wor gooin hooam together, he +screwed up his courage an' ax'd her if shoo didn't think, as shoo wor +soa lonely, an' he wor lonely too 'at they'd better join? + +'Tha'rt to lat,' shoo sed, 'for aw joined long sin, an' wor made a +member directly after aw burrid awr poor Jack.' + +'But that isn't what aw mean,' sed Tommy, 'aw mean, hadn't we better +join an' get wed, for awm sure we could get on varry nicely together.' + +'Well, aw think we can get on varry nicely separate,' shoo sed, 'but +anyway, if iver aw do get wed agean it'll have to be a member o'th' +chapel; for awr Jack, deead an' gooan as he is, an' ther wor niver a +better chap teed to a woman nor he wor, yet he had his faults, an' he +knew a deeal moor abaat sausages an' puddins nor he knew abaat sarmons +an' prayers, an' he'd rayther ha gooan to a dog feight nor a deacons' +meetin ony day, an' as he left me varry nicely provided for, though +aw've nubdy to thank for that but misen, aw can affoord to wait wol aw +get suited.' + +'Well, Hannah Maria,' he sed, 'but suppoas aw wor a deacon do yo think +aw should suit?' + +'That aw connot tell,' shoo sed, 'but if tha iver gets to be a deacon +tha can ax me then.' + +Soa Tommy bade her gooid neet; an' nah he wor detarmined to be a deacon +come what wod. + +Next Sunday he joined th' Sunday Schooil as a taicher, tho' he knew noa +moor abaat taichin nor th' powl 'at hung o' th' aghtside ov his shop +door. Then he tuk a sittin in a pew reight anent th' parson, tho' he had +to pay well for it, an' when they made a collection, which wor pratty +oft, an' th' chaps used to goa raand wi' th' box allus when they wor +singin th' last hymn, he used to be soa takken up wi' th' singin wol th' +chap had to nudge him two or three times; then he'd throw daan his book +an' fidget in his pocket as if he'd forgetten all abaat it, an' bring +aght sixpenoth ov hawpneys, an' put 'em in wi' sich a rattle wol ivery +body'd knew 'at he'd gien summat. + +He wor allus th' furst in his seeat an' one o'th' last to leeav, an' +ivery Sunday he managed to have summat to say awther to th' parson or +one o'th' deacon's, wol befoor he'd been thear a month he'd getten to be +quite a nooated chap. + +Wheniver one o'th' congregation called in to get shaved, they allus +faand him readin th' Evangelical Magazine, or else repooarts o'th' +Liberation Society, an' it worn't long befoor sombdy tell'd him in a +saycret 'at he wor baan to be propoased for a deacon. He tried to luk as +if he cared nowt abaat it, but as sooin as the chap went aght, he flang +his lather brush under th' table, threw his razor an' white appron into +a corner, upset his lather box on to th' Evangelical, an' ran up stairs +two steps at a time, an' seized a bottle off th' shelf, an' sayin, +'Here's to th' deacon!' swallowed hauf a pint o' neat, an' what else he +might ha done aw dooant know if he hadn't ommost brokken his neck wi' +tryin to turn a summerset. + +This browt him to his senses a bit, an' then he sat daan to reckon up ha +mich a wick he'd have comin in when he'd getten wed to th' widder. + +Nah aw hardly like to say it, but it's true, Tommy wor rayther fond ov a +drop o' summat strong, but he niver let monny fowk see him tak it after +he'd joined th' chapel. But he had just one confidential friend, an' he +allus tell'd him iverything, an' ov coarse he'd let him know all abaat +th' widder, an' being made a deacon; soa he sent for him, an' they'd a +fine time on it that neet, for they shut up th' shop an' gate as full as +they could carry, an' just as they wor gooin to pairt, a letter coom to +tell Tommy 'at he'd to be voted for as a deacon after th' Thursday's +meetin; an' as that day wor Tuesday they hadn't long to wait, soa they +detarmined to have another glass or two on th' heead on it, an' they +kept it up soa long wol at last they both fell asleep. + +When they wakkened it wor broad dayleet, an' they felt rayther seedy; +soa they agreed to separate, an' Tommy made his friend promise to be +sure to call on him to tak him to th' meetin. + +Alick promised, an' then left him. Nah Alick wor a man ov his word, soa +he decided net to goa hooam for fear o' forgettin, but he hadn't been +sat long i'th' 'Tattered Rag Tap,' befoor he fell asleep' 'When he +wakken'd it wor cloise on six o' clock, an' th' furst thowt 'at struck +him wor 'at that wor th' time for th' meetin;--for he didn't think 'at +it worn't wol the day after; soa swallowin daan another stiff glass o' +rum, he set off to fotch Tommy. + +When he gate thear he saw Tommy sittin nursin his heead an' lukkin as +sanctimonious as if he'd niver done owt wrang in his life. + +'Come on!' he sed, 'if tha doesn't luk sharp tha'll be to lat!' + +'What does ta mean, Alick,' he sed, 'th' meetin isn't till to morn at +neet.' + +'Aw tell thi it's to neet, an' it's time tha wor thear nah. Aw promised +tha should be i' time an' tha'll ha to goa.' + +'Aw tell th' meetin isn't wol Thursday!' + +'Well, this is Thursday.' + +'Tha'rt drunk, Alick; tha doesn't know what tha'rt talking abaat.' + +Alick wor just drunk enuff to have his own rooad, an' wodn't listen to +reason, soa he says, 'Awl let thi see who it is 'at's druffen! Awl +awther ha thee made a deacon or a deead en afoor tha gooas to bed to +neet!' an' sayin soa, he seized hold on him, an' tuckin him under his +arm as if he'd been a umbereller he started off aght o' door. Tommy +begged an' prayed, an' kicked an' fittered, but all to noa use. Alick +wor three times as big as him, an' held him like a vice. + +Just as they'd getten into th' street they met all th' miln fowk, an' as +they wor booath weel known, fowk laffed rarely, for they thowt it a +gooid spree. Th' rooads wor varry mucky an' sloppy, an' as Alick worn't +varry steady on his pins they hadn't gooan far befoor they wor booath +rollin i'th' sludge, but Alick niver left goa; he scramel'd up, an' off +agean, an' wor varry sooin at th' chapel door. Th' only consolation 'at +poor Tommy had wor thinkin 'at th' chapel wodn't be oppen, an' then +Alick wod find aght his mistak; but it unfortunately happened' at ther +wor a meetin that neet i'th vestry abaat establishing a Band o' Hope, +soa th' chapel doors wor oppen. Alick rushed in wi' poor Tommy, moor +deead nor alive. Th' noise they made sooin browt all th' fowk aght o'th' +vestry, an' th' parson coom fussin to see what wor to do, an' as ther +wor nobbut one or two leets i'th' chapel bottom, an' nooan up stairs, he +could hardly see what it all meant. Just then Alick let goa, an' Tommy +flew up stairs like a shot, hooapin 'at as it wor ommost dark he'd be +able to find his way aghtside befoor he wor seen. + +Alick luk'd varry solid an' tried to balance hissen by holdin to one +o'th' gas fixtures. + +'What's the meaning of this?' sed th' parson. + +'Please yor reverence, hic,--aw've browt yo th' new deacon, hic,--an' a +d---l ov a job aw've had to mak him come, but awm a man o' mi word, an' +aw promised he should bi here i' time, an' aw'd ha browt him if aw'd had +to being him in his coffin. That's th' sooart ov chap aw am old cock!' + +Bi this time all th' fowk wor gethered raand, an' th' parson luk'd throo +one to another, to see if they could explain matters, but they wor all +fast amang it. + +Alick wor standin lukkin raand in a sackless sooart ov a way, when all +at once he spied th' widder amang 'em, soa ponitin her aght he sed, +'Jack's widder thear can tell yo all abaat it, it's been made up between +them two, an' a varry gooid pair they'll mak, an' if he cannot shave +her, shoo'll be able to lather him. Tha knows awm a man o' mi word, +Hannah Maria, an' aw sed aw'd bring him.' + +All th' nooatice th' widder tuk wor to shak her neive in his face, an' +as they all could see ha drunk Alick wor, they left him standin wol they +locked all th' doors an' prepared to have a hunt for th' chap 'at had +run up stairs. But Tommy wor detarmined net to be catched if he could +help' it, an' a fine race he led' em, for he flew ovver th' pews like a +cat, an' as th' door-keeper, an' pew oppener, an' th' parson ran after +him, th' wimmen kept gettin into ther rooad, an' ovver they tummeld +knockin th' cannels aght as they fell, an' of all th' skrikin an' +screamin yo iver heeard, it licked all. + +Alick wor bi hissen daan stairs, an' wor feelin rayther misty amahg it, +but when he heard all th' noise he bethowt him 'at it must be a pairt +o'th' ceremony, an' he began to feel excited. + +'Keep it up owd lad! Gooid lad Tommy! Thar't a cock burd! By gow I tha +niver should ha been a barber! Two hauf-craans to one on th' little en!' + +But they catched him at last; an' as they didn't know who it wor, an' he +wor soa covered wi' muck an dust wol it wor hard to tell, they browt him +daan stairs whear ther wor a better leet. + +When th' parson saw who it wor he could hardly believe his een, an' all +t' others put ther hands as if they thowt th' roof worn't safe. + +'Thomas,' sed th' parson solemnly, 'I'm sorry to see thou hast fallen. +Thy race here is run.' + +'Well, he ran weel didn't he?' sed Alick. Ther wor moor nor him fell i' +that race, or else ther wor a deeal o' skrikin for nowt. But it just +suits me, aw wodn't ha missed it for a shillin! aw wor niver at th' +makkin ov a deacon afoor, it's three times as mich fun as makkin a free +mason.' + +Tommy tried to spaik, but he wor soa aght o' wind wol he couldn't say a +word, an' as sooin as th' doors wor oppened he made a bolt for hooam. +Alick follerd him, but fan th' door locked, soa he went hooam too. + +Next mornin, nawt her on 'em could exactly tell what had happened th' +neet afoor, but Alick went to pay Tommy a visit. What wor sed aw dooant +know, but they tell me 'at Alick's shaved hissen iver sin, for he +doesn't seem to like th' idea o' Tommy bein soa varry near him wi' a +razor. + +Ov course Tommy worn't made a deacon, an' what wor war nor all he lost +th' widder into th' bargain. + +They did try to get him to join th' Good Templars; an' Alick sed if he +wanted to be a member he'd promise to see' at he wor thear i' time if he +had to sit up another neet for it; 'an tha knows awm a man o' mi word, +doesn't ta, Tommy?' + +But someha or other Tommy seems content to stop as he is, but if yo +should iver give him a call, aw wodn't advise yo to say owt abaat him +bein made deacon, for th' thowts on it seems to be like th' black +pudding he had at th' burrin drinkin,--varry heavy on his stummack, an' +all th' gin an' watter he's been able to get has niver swilled it daan. + +Hannah Maria's getten wed agean; shoo wor as gooid as her word.--shoo +wed a local praicher; but as his labours didn't seem to profit him mich, +he left th' connexion, an' wi' Hannah Maria's bit o' brass he bowt th' +valiation o'th 'Purrin Pussycat' public haase, an' shoo tends th' bar +wi' as mich red ribbon flyin raand her heead as ud mak reins for a +six-horse team. Tommy called once, but when he saw th' picture frame 'at +he'd taen soa mich pains wi' for Jack's funeral card hung up wi' a +ticket in it sayin 'prime pop,' he supt up his rum an' walked +sorrowfully aght, withaat payin for it, an' he's niver been seen thear +sin. + + + + +One Amang th' Rest. + + +I cannot say that the birth of Sally Green was heralded with many joyful +anticipations. Her father was one of those unfortunate men who have +never had any trade taught to them, and his income, always small, was +also very precarious. One day you might find him distributing circulars, +another, acting as porter; at times he got a stray job as gardener, and +was always willing to undertake almost any thing by which to earn an +honest penny. His wife had for many years been a sickly woman, yet she +was fruitful, as was proved by the six children who with laughter or +tears, as the case might be, welcomed their father home. + +"Old Tip," as he was familiarly called both at home and abroad, was +sitting opposite the fire, smoking an old clay pipe, when the news was +brought that little Sally was born, and both mother and babe were doing +well. He answered simply, "Ho!" "An' is that all tha has to say when +tha's getten another dowter, an' one o' th' grandest childer aw think' +at wor iver born?" + +"Well, what am aw to say? It's all reight, isn't it? Shoo'll be one +amang th' rest." + +Although Tip appeared to treat the event with such indifference, yet his +mind was ill at ease, for he well knew that his scanty means had barely +sufficed to find food for those dependent upon him before time, and an +additional mouth to provide for was by no means a thing to be desired. + +There is an old saying, that God never sends a mouth without sending +something to put in it, and that is very true, but it is just possible +that the food sent to put in it is appropriated to some other mouth, +that has already got above its share. If this was not so, we should be +spared the pain of reading the heartrending accounts that are so +frequently brought under our notice of people being "starved to death." + +It is not my intention to detail all the little incidents connected with +Sally's early years; suffice it to say that she was dragged up somehow, +along with her brothers and sisters, who as they got older and able to +work and earn a wage sufficient to support themselves, left one by one +to depend upon their own exertions, but never once giving a thought to +the debt of gratitude they owed to those, who had laboured so long, and +endured so many troubles for their sakes. + +In time Sally was old enough to be put to some business, and as she had +all along been of a weaker constitution than her sisters, it was deemed +advisable to select some occupation for her of a lighter description. +Accordingly she soon found herself placed with a shopkeeper in the town, +to learn the mysteries of concocting bonnets, caps, &c. The money she +received at the commencement was very little, but doubtless was a just +equivalent for her labours; but her parents, whose income had decreased +with their increasing years, had often to suffer privations, in order to +dress Sally as became her position. Sally was naturally quick of +apprehension, and the old folks' hearts were often cheered by the +reports of her advancement. + +"It maks me thankful monny a time i'th' day, Tip, to think ha Sally taks +to her wark; an' tha sees shoo's soa steady an' niver braiks ony time, +an' aw connot help thinkin, 'at may be, shoo'll net only be a comfort to +us in old age, but a varry gurt help." + +"Shoo's steady enough," said Tip, "but aw dooant think its wise to build +ony castles i'th' air abaat her helpin us mich. Th' kitten seldom brings +th' old cat a maase. Nooan o' th' brothers has iver done owt for +us,--net 'at aw want owt, net aw; but aw know 'at we've had to do a +deeal for them, an' it luks rayther hard, at they should niver think +abaat payin a trifle back; an' awm feeared Sally 'll be one amang th' +rest." + +"Happen net. Tha wor allus fond o' lukkin o'th' dark side." + +"Aw may weel be fond o' lukkin at it, for awve seen varry little o'th' +breet en." + +Sally continued to progress, and her employer was not slow to recognize +her abilities and increase her wages in proportion. She often indulged +in dreams of what she would do for her parents, as soon as she was able, +but as yet her own wants were so very pressing, that it took all her +money to satisfy them. She saw and admired her fellow-workers, as they +entered or left the place of business, dressed in such clothes as she +had never had, and such as it must be some time before she could hope to +obtain. But she clung to the hope that the time would come, and she +strained every nerve to hasten its approach. Though by no means vain, +yet it was quite evident, Sally was aware she was as much her +companions' superior, in personal attractions, as they were her +superiors in point of dress, and it is to be feared, that there were +times when she consulted her mirror with exultation, and painted in her +imagination pictures how she could outshine them all when the time came. + +By degrees almost imperceptible, crept in a dislike to her home;--not to +those who owned it, far from it. To her parents she was still loving and +dutiful, but she began to conceive that her own attempts to improve her +appearance, her manner of speaking, and her general carriage, were +strangely at variance with her humble home and its belongings. Happily, +those precepts most potent to restrain any waywardness or wickedness, +had been early instilled into her by her mother, whose quiet christian +life had been her daily example. Her religion was pure and simple, and +she never failed to impress upon Sally the happiness to be derived from +an adherence to the truth, and a faith in the goodness of God. + +Years rolled on, and the slightly built girl was developed into the +beautiful woman. She occupied the second position in the work-room, and +her love of dress she was enabled to gratify to its full extent. Many a +young man lingered about the door of the shop at night, in hopes of +catching a smile or some mark of encouragement, but Sally's heart was +free, respectful to all, but showing partiality to none, she passed on +scathless through many temptations that might have proved too strong for +many older than herself. + +One night a strange event occurred. As she was hurrying home, and had +arrived within a few yards of the door, she stumbled over some object in +her path, and it was with much difficulty she succeeded in saving +herself from an awkward fall. It was too dark to see what the object +was, but she ran into the house, acquainted her parents with the event, +and accompanied by them bearing a light she returned to see what the +obstacle was. Across the pavement was laid a young man, about her own +age, in a helpless, perhaps a dying state. + +"Poor thing! what's th' matter wi' him?" sed her mother; "Tip, lift him +up an' hug him in th' haase, an' see what's to do! He's somebody's poor +lad." + +Tip was not quite so strong as he had been, but he was yet strong enough +for the emergency: and lifting up the slim young man, he bore him into +the house and laid him on the longsettle. + +"What does ta think is th' matter wi' him?" asked the mother; "Is he +hurt?" + +"Noa." + +"Why, has he had a fit thinks ta?" + +"Aw think he has, an' it'll be some time befoor he comes aat on it, for +its a druffen fit." + +"A'a, tha doesn't say soa, Tip! does ta?" "Its ten thaasand pities to +see him i' that state!" + +Sally approached him half in fear and half in anxiety, and after +scanning his features, which in spite of the dirt and the drink were yet +handsome, she turned to her father and asked, "What shall we do with +him?" + +"We shall be like to tak care on him, lass, wol he sleeps it off aw +expect, for we connot turn him aat, an' if we did th' police wod lock +him up. Awve suffered a deeal i' mi lifetime wi' my lads, but awve niver +seen one on 'em i' that state, an' awd rayther follow 'em to th' grave +nor iver do it." + +For hours they sat beside the sleeping man, and when it was far past +their usual time of retiring to rest, they looked at each other, mutely +asking what would be best to do. + +"Father and mother," said Sally, "it is time you went to bed; I know you +cannot bear to miss your accustomed rest. I will watch by this young man +until he awakes, and so soon as he is fit to leave the house he shall do +so, and then I can get an hour's sleep before the shop opens in the +morning; I do not think he will sleep long now." + +The old couple did not like to leave her sitting up, but seeing no +reason why they too should watch, they left her with their blessing and +retired to rest. + +The light from the candle fell full on the face of the sleeper, and +although Sally often tried to read one of her favourite books, yet as +oft she found her eyes rivetted upon the countenance of the man before +her. At times he moaned as though in pain; again he smiled a sweet, +sweet smile so innocent and childlike, as if no care had ever crossed +his path; then a deep, deep sigh heaved his breast, as though all hope +had died within it. Sally leaned over him, and tears rolled down her +cheeks as she gazed on him, and with her hand she gently parted his +curly locks, exposing a brow that rivalled her own for whiteness. She +was thus occupied when his eyes slowly opened, and she started back. He +looked around him with a listlessness that showed the stupor had not yet +worn off. Presently he aroused himself, and in a husky voice asked, +"Where am I?" + +"You are in the house of those who have endeavoured to befriend you," +she replied; "you are quite safe, perhaps you had better try to sleep +again." + +"No! sleep! no! Let me have something to drink I Bring me some beer, I'm +choaking." + +"That I cannot do, and would not if I could; but here is some tea made +nice and warm, that will do you much more good." And as she said this +she handed him the jug. + +He took it from her, with a half-amused, half-astonished expression on +his face, and drank the contents at a draught. "There, there!" he +muttered and reseated himself. + +He looked for a short time at Sally, as she sat opposite him, but there +was such an air of dignity, mingled with compassion, imprinted on her +face, that it was only after one or two ineffectual attempts that he +could articulate another word. At length he said, "Will you kindly tell +me, miss, where I am and how I came here?" + +"You are in my father's house in--------street, and he carried you here. +I stumbled over something on my way home, and on going back with my +parents, we found you laid helpless on the pavement. They have gone to +bed, and I am waiting until you feel able to resume your walk home." + +"It must have been quite evident to you that I was in liquor, and I must +have caused you great inconvenience. I did not think there was a person +in the world who would have taken so much trouble on my behalf, but I +am glad to say that I am in a position to pay for it, and you are at +liberty to help yourself," saying which, he threw a wellfilled purse +upon the table. + +"I beg that you will replace the purse in your pocket, sir. To any +kindness you have received you are welcome, and you would only insult my +parents by offering to pay." + +"Not a very enviable looking home," he muttered, "but it seems pride can +dwell in a cottage." "Just pride can dwell in the cottage as well as in +the mansion I hope," she replied, rising to open the door. "The morning +is cold yet fine," she said, "and as you are, doubtless, expected home, +it may be advisable not to delay your departure." + +"I will act upon your hint," he said, "but I have one favour yet to ask, +Will you grant it?" + +"That depends upon the nature of it." + +"It is that I may be allowed to call here again, to express the +gratitude I feel for the kind manner in which you have acted towards me. +At present I am not in a fit state to do so. Will you grant me that +privilege?" + +"We do not seek for your thanks, sir, you are a perfect stranger to us, +and we have but done that, which we felt it our duty to do, but if it +will afford you any pleasure, I am quite sure my father will grant your +request." + +With a hasty "good morning," he hurried off, passing through the quiet +streets as quickly as he could, still wondering how he had got into such +strange company. + +Sally sought her bed, to snatch a few hours of sleep, but all desire +seemed to have flown. She could think of nothing but the young man's +face as she had seen him as he slept. His dress and manners bespoke the +gentleman; but he had left no name, and she vainly endeavoured to +discover who he was. + +The next day brought the young man once more to the cottage door, but in +a very different state. Sally was not at home, but the old woman invited +him forward, and requested him to be seated. "Give my best thanks to +your daughter," he said, as they conversed together, "and tell her I +shall be for ever grateful to her, for she has proved as good as she is +beautiful; and she is beautiful." + +"Ther's lots o' nice young wimmen ith' world," said Tip, "an shoo's one +amang th' rest." + +After sitting for a few minutes whilst the old woman warned him of the +danger he placed himself in by giving way to such evil habits, and +having promised never again to forget himself so far, he shook hands +with the worthy couple and departed, leaving behind him a handsome sum +of money, unknown to them. + +Not long after, Sally was returning home, when she met the same young +man. The recognition was mutual, and he at once joined her and strolled +along by her side, pouring forth his thanks for her kindness, and +begging that she would not look upon him with disgust on account of the +unfavourable circumstances under which their first meeting took place. +His manners were so easy, and his conversation so entertaining, that +they reached the end of the street in which she lived, almost before she +was aware. He bade her "good night," and struck off in an opposite +direction. + +Sally's heart palpitated more quickly than usual, as she entered the +house, and for some reason, unknown even to herself, she did not +acquaint her parents with the interview. She endeavoured to occupy her +mind by busying herself with the little household affairs, but her +manner was abstracted, so feigning exhaustion she went to her room, at +an earlier hour than usual. She slept, but not that deep, quiet, +undisturbed slumber that wraps in oblivion all the senses. She dreamed +strange dreams, in which she saw strange faces, but the one face was +ever there, and in the morning she arose, feverish and unrefreshed. + + +CHAPTER II. + +Some months had elapsed since Sally's first interview with young Arthur +Grafton, (for such his name proved to be,) and during that time matters +had assumed a very different character. One or two meetings seemingly +accidental, led to an intimacy growing between them, which was not +easily to be mistaken. + +Arthur was a young man possessing great advantages, not only in personal +attractions, but as the possessor of an ample fortune. His father had +been dead many years and his mother resided in the neighbourhood of +London. No sooner, however, did Arthur attain his majority, and find +himself in such a favoured position, than he gave way to those excesses +which are generally somewhat lightly styled, youthful indiscretions. His +mother had done all that lay in her to prevail upon him to alter his +course of conduct, but he being headstrong, yet affectionate, and not +wishing to cause her pain, at the same time being disinclined to follow +her advice, left home in order to be free from all restraint. Thus it +happened that he was spending a porportion of his time in Y------. +Sally's parents were not blind to the state of their daughter's feelings +towards Arthur, but they were full of fear. Once or twice he had called +at the cottage, and they had marked the unnatural sparkle of his eye, +that told of a too great indulgence in drink. On one or two occasions he +had openly scoffed at religion, and treated as jests, things they held +to be most sacred. They often spoke to Sally and warned her, but her +usual reply was a light laugh, or an assurance that she knew what she +was doing. + +Little by little she ceased to think there was anything very wrong in a +young man becoming intoxicated, if he only did it occasionally. Her +attendance at church was not so regular, and in a short time it ceased +altogether, and she looked forward to the sabbath only as a day of +recreation, and one on which she could spend more time with him who was +day by day leading her farther from the path of duty. + +Many a friend warned her of her danger, but her whole soul had become so +wrapped up in him, that his very vices appeared as virtues, in her eyes. +Sally had not forgotten her early teachings, and many a night when all +was hushed, the still small voice of conscience whispered, 'Beware, +--Beware,' But she would not listen to it, she had set her heart upon +him, and although she could not but admit he had many faults, yet she +strove to believe that she had the power to wean him from his evil ways. + +One night the old couple and their daughter were sat by their cheerful +fire. Tip, as was his wont, smoking his pipe,--the old woman bending +over the oft consulted bible, and Sally with her elbow resting upon the +table and her head leaned upon her hand, gazing at the kitten sleeping +on the hearth, although she saw it note Arthur had failed to keep his +appointment and she was sad in consequence. A loud knock at the door +disturbed them,--Sally hastened to open it, and Arthur in a state of +wild intoxication rushed in. Even Sally shuddered and shrank from his +attempted caresses. Her mother shook her head, and looking upward seemed +to implore help from Him of whose death she had just been +reading:--whilst old Tip rose to his feet, took the pipe from his mouth, +and angrily pointed towards the door. + +Drunk as Arthur was, he comprehended his meaning, but advancing towards +him with uncertain gait, he placed a hand upon each shoulder and forced +him back into his seat, uttering a fearful oath. + +Sally strove to quiet him, and implored her father to excuse him, at the +same time begging of Arthur to leave the house. The consternation and +excitement of those about him, seemed to add fuel to the fire already +within him, and tearing the bible from the old woman's lap, he hurled it +on the fire. Tip rushed to save it, but Arthur seized the poker and +stood threatening death to any who dared to touch it. Tip, undaunted, +made another effort. The dreadful weapon fell upon his unprotected head, +and in another instant he was stretched upon the floor. The sight of +poor Tip in such a state, together with the wailing and weeping of Sally +and her mother, seemed to have the effect of sobering him a little; he +threw down the poker, opened the door, and, without a word, passed out. + + +CHAPTER III. + +A bright spring morning succeeded the night on which the commotion had +taken place in Tip's usually quiet home. He was stirring about the house +as was his custom, a bandage over his brow being the only indication of +the recent unpleasant event. The wound was not a dangerous one, and the +unceasing attention of his daughter had enabled him to rally much sooner +than might have been expected. Sally and her mother were also bustling +about. Not a word escaped from any of them in reference to what had +taken place. Old Tip looked more than usually morose, the mother, more +than usually sorrowful, and Sally's brow was contracted and her lips +compressed, and her eyes spoke of fixed determination. She dressed +herself with more than usual care, and lingered over many little things +before she bade her usual good morning; and when she closed the door she +gazed a moment at the old familiar structure, wiped the tears from her +eyes, that in spite or all she could do, would come to testify that her +heart was not so callous as she fain would make it appear; and then she +walked rapidly away--but not to her work. No! she sought the home of him +who had come like a blight on their domestic peace. She carried with her +no feeling of resentment--her heart was full of love and compassion. She +had undergone a dreadful struggle. The climax had arrived. She must +choose between her parents and her lover. It was a hard, hard task, but +it was over. House and parents, all that had been associated with her +early and happy years, sacrificed for one whose past life had brought to +her so much misery. + +She reached the door, rang the bell, and was ushered into the room in +which Arthur sat vainly endeavouring to recall the circumstances of the +preceding night. He was pleased yet astonished to see her, and they were +quickly engaged in an earnest and hurried conversation. In a few minutes +Arthur rang the bell, and gave orders for all his boxes to be packed and +conveyed to the nearest railway station. He called for his bill which he +discharged with alacrity, a hired carriage was at the door, Arthur and +Sally entered it and she returned home no more. + +The grief of her parents was very great when they knew that she had left +them, and they anxiously waited for some tidings of her whereabouts, but +no tidings came. For a time remittances of money came regularly, but +these suddenly stopped, and their only means of subsistence was gone. + +The articles of furniture were disposed of one by one, to supply the +cravings of appetite, but they were soon exhausted, and one morning saw +them placed in a cart and taken to the workhouse. They had both been +gradually sinking since Sally's flight, and it was but a short time +after the removal from their home, that the parish hearse removed them +to the last home of all flesh in this world. The fact of their ever +having existed seemed to be almost forgotten, when a painful tragedy +revived it in the minds of those who had known them. When newspapers +gave the distressing account of a young woman having leaped from London +Bridge into the river, bearing in her arms a little babe. They were +taken out quite dead, and on being searched, a piece of paper with the +following words written upon it was all that was found. + +'Let my dreadful fate be a warning to the young. I was young and +beautiful,--I became proud and ambitious,--I ceased to lend an ear to +the kind counsel of my parents,--I ceased to look upon sin with +abhorence,--I sought pleasure in iniquity,--the torments of hell can be +no worse than those I have endured, my seducer lives to make other +victims,--my babe dies with me, lest it should ever live to know its +parent's shame,--I go to meet my God,--a Murderess and a Suicide. My +only hope is in His unbounded mercy, and the intercession of His Son. +SALLY GREEN. + +Reader, does not this little story teach a moral? I think it does. Be +not proud of the personal attractions with which nature has blessed you. +Shun evil company,--obey your parents, and fear God always. Sally +Green's case is not an isolated one. There are thousands at the present +moment, who are pressing on in the same path that terminated so +dreadfully for her. Watch and pray, lest it should be your unhappy lot +to be described in old Tip's expressive words, as 'One amang th' rest.' + + + + +What's yor Hurry? + + +Ther's nowt done weel 'ud's done in a hurry, unless its catchin a flea, +aw've heeard sed, but Joa Trailer wod'nt ha believed 'at that should be +done in a hurry, for he hurried for nowt. It wor allus sed 'at he wor +born to th' tune o'th' Deead March, an suckled wi' Slowman's Soothin +Syrup. His mother declared a better child nivver lived, for he hardly +ivver cried, net even for his sops, for if he showed signs o' startin, +ther wor allus time enuff to get' em made befoor he'd getten fairly off. +He began cuttin his teeth when he wor six months old, an' he'd nobbut +getten two when his birthday coom, an' when th' old wimmen used to rub +his gums wi ther fingers he used to oppen his een an' stare at 'em as if +he wondered what they wor i' sich a hurry for. His mother wor forty-five +year old when he wor born, an' shoo anlls sed he wor born sadly too lat, +an' if that's th' case ther's noa wonder 'at he's allus behund hand, for +ther's nowt can ivver mak him hurry to mak up for lost time. + +They sent him to a schooil an' paid tuppince a wick for him, but they +mud as weel ha saved ther brass, for if they managed to get him to start +i' time, he just contrived to get thear when it wor lowsin. He nivver +leearned owt but he sed he meant to do sometime, but ther wor time enuff +yet: soa he grew up to be a big ovvergrown ignoramus, an' his mother +could'nt tell what to do wi him. Shoo put him 'prentice to a cobbler, +but his maister sent him hooam when he'd been thear a month, for he sed +he'd been tryin to spetch a pair o' child's clogs ivver sin he went, an' +'at th' rate he wor gettin on wi 'em he'd have' em thrown on his hands, +for th' child ud be grown up befoor they wor finished. + +"What am aw to do wi' thi," sed his mother, "aw can't afford to keep thi +to laik?" + +"Wait a bit," he said, "'an give a chap a chonce. Yor i' sich a hurry +abaat iverything. Rome worn't built in a day." + +"Noa, an' if it had depended o' sich as thee it nivver wod ha been +built, awm thinkin!" + +One day, as he wor sittin on a stoop at th' loin end, a chap com ridin +up to him, an' ax'd him if he'd hold his horse for him a minit or two. +"Eea," he said, "tak for time a bit an awl hold it." + +It tuk him some time to sydle up an tak hold o'th' reins, an then th' +chap left him, tellin him whativver else to stand thear an' net run away +wi' it. + +"Awst nooan run far," he sed, an' in abaat ten minits he laft all over +his face at th' idea o' sich a thing. It wor a varry quiet horse, an' +Joa thowt 'at he'd getten th' reight seoart ov a job at last, an' When +th' chap coom back he gave him a shillin. If he'd been slow i' other +things, he had'nt been vany slow i' leearnin th' vally o' brass, an' as +it wor th' furst time he'd ivver had a shillin he wor soa excited 'at he +started off hooam at a jog trot, an' th' fowk 'at knew him wor soa capt +wol they could'nt tell what to mak on it, but they thowt he must be +havin' a race wi' some sooapsuds at wor runnin daan th' gutter; but that +wornt it, for he'd getten a noashun at noa trade ud suit him as weel as +fishin, for he could tak his own time wi' that, an' he felt sewer he'd +be lucky, for if they wor'nt inclined to nibble he'd caar thear wol +they'd be glad to bite to get shut on him; an' he'd seen a fishin rod to +sell for a shillin, soa he thowt he'd goa hooam an' as sooin as he'd +getten his dinner he'd buy it. + +When he gate in, his mother said, "Whear's ta been, an' whativer is ther +to do 'at maks thi come in puffin an' blowin like that?" + +"Aw've been to th' end o'th' loin," he sed, "an' wol aw wor thear a chap +coom an' ax'd me to hold his horse for him, an' he's glen me a shillin." + +"Well, tha's been sharp for once, an' awm fain to see it, for its a +comfort to know at owt can stir thi. Gie me' that shillin, its just come +i' time, for aw wor at my wits end what to do for a bit o' dinner, an' +that'll just come in to get a bit o' summat." + +Joa pottered it aght, an' as shoo took' it shoo sed, "Nah, tha sees what +it is to be sharp.--Tha's done rarely this' mornin." + +"Eea, aw see what it is to be sharp, an' if ivver yo catch me sharp +agean yo may call me sharp, for if aw had'nt run hooam 'fit to braik me +neck aw should ha had that shillin.--But it sarves me reight to loise it +for bein i' sich a hurry." + +He wor as gooid as his word, an' he's nivver been known to hurry sin. + +When he gate to be a man he fancied he wor i' love wi' a young woman 'at +lived claise to his mother's,--one at wor just as queer a karacter as +hissen, wi this difference, shoo could haddle her own livin wi weshin. + +He tell'd his mother 'at he meant to ax her to have him somday, an' shoo +sed shoo wor feeared he'd think abaat it wol they'd be booath too old; +but he did'nt, for he met her one day an' he ax'd her if shoo'd nivver +thowt o' sich a thing? + +"Nay," shoo sed, "sich a thowt's nivver entered mi heead, an' if it had +aw should nivver ha' thawt o' thee,--but awm i' noa hurry to get wed." + +"Noa moor am aw," he sed, "but aw thawt awd mention it, an' tha can tak +thi own time,--all aw want to know is, if tha'll have me when tha's made +up thi mind?" + +"Tha'd suit me weel enuff Joa, if tha'd owt to do, but aw can't wesh to +keep misen an' have thee sittin o' th' harstun for a ornament, thar't +hardly gooid lukkin enuff for that;--if tha'll stir thisen an' get some +wark awl tawk to thi." + +Soa Joa left her to consider on it, an' he determined to try if he +could'nt find summat to do. As he wor creepin on a chap ovvertuk him an +says, "What are ta up to nah, Joa?" + +"Awm seekin wark!" + +"Why, if tha keeps on at that speed awm feeard tha'll nivver find ony, +for if it wur anent thi tha could'nt ovvertak it. + +"Awm nooan tryin to ovvertak it,--but tha sees if ther's ony comin +behund it'll have a chonce o' overtakkin me, an' if aw wor go in faster +it might think aw wor tryin to get aght o'th' way on it: an' whativer +fowk may say, awm net one o' them 'ats feeard o' wark, for aw nivver put +misen aght oth' way to shirk owt yet." + +"Noa, nor to seek owt nawther; but aw heeard ov a job this mornin at'll +just suit thi." + +"What wor it?" + +"Old Rodger wants a chap to drive his heears, an' its just the job for +thee, for th' horse knows th' way to th' Cemetary, an' tha'll have nowt +to do but sit o'th box. Tha'd better see after it." + +"Aw think aw will sometime this afternooin," he sed, "aw could just +manage that sooart o' wark." + +"Tha'd better goa nah if tha meeans to luk after it, or tha may be too +lat,--but gooid mornin, aw hav'nt time to stand here ony longer." + +"Aw doant know whether to believe him or net," he sed, "for aw think +he's nooan reight in his heead, or he'd nivver ha' spokken abaat +standin' here when we've been walkin' all th' time. But ther can be noa +harm i' gooin to see after it, an' if aw get it, Abergil can have noa +excuse for refusin' me." + +It tuk him a long time to get to Rodger's tho' it wor'nt aboon hauf a +mile, an' when he tell'd what he'd come for, Rodger lukt at him an' sed +"Well, tha'll do varry weel as far as thi face an' figger's consarned, +for tha luks as solid as a tombstun, but if aw gie thi th' job tha mun +promise to drive as a'w tell thi, for aw seckt th' last chap aw had +becoss he wod drive ta fast when he wor aght o' mi seet; an' tha knows +ther's nowt luks wor nor a gallopin funeral, an' aw want somdyaw can +trust." + +"Yo, can trust me, an if yo'll gie me th' job aw warrant awl, drive just +as slow as yo want. But what's th'wage?" + +"Ten shillin a wick, an' tha'll have as mich curran cake an' warm ale as +tha can teim into thi, an' thi clooas all fun for nowt." + +"Awl tak it, an' yo can let me know when awm to start." + +"Tha'l have to start to-day, for old. Nancy has to be buried this +afternooin, soa tha can stop an' have a bit o' dinner an' wesh thi face, +an' put on thi black clooas an' start off." + +"Awm nooan in a hurry to start, but if yo'd rayther I did, why, ov +coorse awl do as yo say." Soa he did as he wor ordered, an' in a varry +short time Rodger gate him all ready an' th' heears browt aght, an' they +booath gate onto th' box, an' Rodger set off to th' haase drivin varry +slowly. "Nah," he said, "tha mun watch me ha aw drive, an' tha mun drive +th' same way, or slower if owt. Aw know tha'rt nooan fonda' fussin +thisen, an' aw dooant want thi to hurry th' horse." + +"Awl hurry nowt," he sed. When they gate to th' haase Rodger waited wal +he saw all ready and then he left him. Ther wor noa danger o' anybody +gettin that horse to goa at maar nor three miles i'th' haar, for it wor +booath laim an' blind, an' seem'd varry mich inclined to drop on its +knees at ivvery step. It started off at snail pace, but even that wor +too mich for Joa. + +"Wo, gently!" he sed, an' it stood stock still. + +"When are ta gooin to start?" sed one o'th' mourners, "if tha does'nt +mind we'st be too lat to get into th' Cemetary." + +"Thee mind thi' own business,--aw've getten mi orders." + +"Tha'll have to hurry up or else we'st be to lat aw tell thi! We're all +stall'd o' waitin!" + +"Its nooan thee at we're baan to bury or tha wodn't be i' sich a hurry. +Awst tak noa orders nobbut throo Rodger or Nancy, soa tha can shut up." + +Th' old horse started off agean, an' at last they gate to th' far end, +but it wor ommost dark, an' when they'd taen th' coffin aght o'th' +heears he drew up to one side to wait wol th' ceremony wor ovver, an' +when th' fowk caom throo th' grave side Joa wor fast asleep, an' th' +horse too, soa they left' em whear they wor an' went hooam. + +Some chaps i'th' village gate to hear abaat Joa's drivin an' fallin +asleep, soa they thowt they'd have a bit ov a marlock on, an abaat a +duzzen on' em went to th' Cemetary gates, an tho' it wor dark they faand +th' heears an' th' horse just as it had been drawn up, and Joa fast +asleep. One on 'em at had an old white hat changed it varry gently for +Joa's black 'en, an' then they hid thersen at tother side o'th' wall. +One on 'em set up a whistle at wakkened Joa, an' as sooin as he began to +rub his een an' wonder whear he wor, they begun singin th' Old Hundred. +"Bith' heart!" he said, "they tell'd me at tha'd a varry hard deeath +Nancy, an' it seems tha'rt having a varry hard burrin. Aw declare awve +been asleep, an' its as dark as a booit. Awm hauf starved stiff wi +caarin here, but aw should think they'll nooan be long nah, for they +sewerly dooant mean to stop thear singin all th' neet." Th' chaps waited +vary still for a while wol he began grumblin agean. "Aw dooant see ony +use i'me caarin here ony longer. Ther'll nubdy want to ride inside. Aw +may as weel be off hooam." Just then th' chaps sang another verse, an' +he thowt he'd better stop a bit longer, soa he put up his coit collar to +keep th' wind aght of his neck, an' wor sooin fast asleep agean. As +sooin as they fun it aght they varry quitely tuk th' horse aght o'th' +shafts an' turned it into a field cloise by, an' lifted th' gate off th' +hinges an' propt it up between th' shafts asteead o'th' horse, an' hung +th' harness ovver it; then they teed th' appron strings fast soa as he +could'nt get off his seeat, an' waited wol he wakkened agean. They +hadn't long to wait before he gave a gape or two, an' then he sed, "Awm +nooan baan to caar here ony longer! Aw nobbut agreed to come to th' +burrin, aw didn't bargain to stop wol they lettered th' gravestooan! Gee +up!" An' he started floggin th' horse for owt he knew, but it nivver +stirred. "Ger on wi' thi! or else awl bury thee an' all!" an' he slashed +away wi' th' whip, but th' heears nivver moved. Next he tried to get +daan to see if he could leead it, but he couldn't lause th' appron at +wor across his legs, soa he had to creep aght as he could an' climb onto +th' top, an' as th' top wor smooth an' polished he slipt off, an' sat +daan ith' middle o'th' rooad wi' sich a bang at if he worn't wakkened +befoor ther wor noa fear on him bein' asleep after that. + +"Tha'rt a bigger fooil nor aw tuk thi for Joa," he said to hissen, as he +sam'd hissen up, "aw thowt tha'd sense enuff to tak thi time an' net +come off th' top ov a thing like that i' sich a hurry. It ommost knockt +th' wind aght o' me, an' if aw dooant knock th' wind aght o' that horse +awl see." It wor nobbut leet enuff to see th' glimmer oth' harness, tho' +th' mooin wor just risin, an' he laid his whip on wi' a vengence, but as +it did'nt offer to stir he went up to it. "What's th' matter wi' thi?" +an' he put aght his hand to find it. "Well, awl be shot! Tha worn't mich +when we set off, but tha seems to ha gooan to nowt! Aw could caant thi +ribs befoor, but aw can feel 'em nah. Ther's nowt left but a skeleton!" + +Th' meoin began to show a bit breeter, an' after grooapin abaat for a +while he sed, "It strikes me it isn't a horse at all. Ther's somdy been +playin me a trick. Awm nooan mich ov a driver at th' best hand, an' awd +as mich as aw could manage to drive comin, but awm blest if aw can drive +a five barr'd gate goo in back! Awm fast what to do wi' this lot." + +"Why, what's th' matter, Joa?" sed one o'th' chaps, comin' up as if he +knew nowt abaat it. "What are ta dooin wi' th' heears here at this time +o' neet?" + +"That's what aw want to know," he sed, an' he tell'd him all he knew +abaat it. + +"Well, th' horse can't be far off," th' chap sed, "they'd nivver tak th' +horse, for it isn't worth stailin. It'll be i' one o' theas fields sewer +enuff. We can find it bi mooin leet." + +Joa an him went to seek it, an' as he knew just whear to find it they +had'nt long to luk. As sooin as ther backs wor turned, tother chaps +oppened th' heears an' filled it wi' th' biggest topstooans off th' wall +'at they could lift, an' when it wor fairly looadened they shut it up +agean, an' left it as if it had nivver been touched. + +Joa an' his friend coom back wi' th' horse, an' had it harnessed up all +right, but altho' it tugged an' pooled as hard as it could, it did'nt +stir th' heears. + +"Its studden soa long wol aw think it must ha' takken rooit," sed Joa. + +"O, nay, its nobbut settled a bit wi' th' graand bein soft. It'll goa +reight enuff when it gets off. Tak hold o' one o'th' wheels an' let's +give it a start." + +Th' old horse pooled its hardest, an' wi' th' help they gave at th' +wheels they set it movin, an' as sooin as th' chap saw that, he bid Joa +geoid neet an' left him, tellin him at if it stuck fast he mud get +behund an' thrust a bit. It hadn't gooan monny yards when Joa saw he mud +awther thrust or stop thear all th' neet, an' altho' th' rate they wor +gooin at wor slow enuff to suit even one a' Joa's disposition, yet th' +sweeat rolled off him, for he'd quite as mich to do as th' horse. Once +or twice he stopt to consider whether he hadn't better tak th' horse +aght an' get into th' shafts hissen. + +Abaat two o'clock i'th' mornin they gate back hooam, an' old Rodger wor +waitin for him in a ragin temper, an' when he saw his favorite horse, +"Old Pickle," blowin an' steamin as if it had just come aght ov a mash +tub, an' Joa wi' a white hat on, he wor sewer he'd been on th' spree. He +didn't give him a chance to spaik, but set to an' called him ivverything +he could lig his tongue to Joa tried to explain matters, but it wor noa +use. + +"Its th' last time tha'll ivver drive for me! Tha's been ommost twelve +haars away!" + +"Why, yo sed aw hadn't to hurry,--but if my drivin doesn't suit yo, yo +can drive yorsen, an' welcome; for that horse o' yor's wants huggin, net +drivin,--yo did reight to call it 'Old Pickle,' for its getten me into a +bonny pickle!" + +"An what are ta dooin wi' that white hat? An' whears th' hat aw lent +thi?" + +"This is th' hat yo lent me, for aw've nivver touched it sin aw set off, +an' if its changed color aw can't help it--if it weant do for a burrin +it'll do for a weddin." + +"Dooant tell me nooan o' thi lies! Awm ommast fit to give thi a gooid +hidin whear tha stands!" + +"Yo'd better think twice abaat that!" + +"Aw will'nt think once," he sed, an' made a rush at him but Joa held his +fist aght, an' Rodger ran agean it wi' sich a force wol he flew back an' +messured his whole length ith' street. + +"What's th' meanin o' that," he sed, as he sam'd hissen up,--"Isn't it +enuff, thinks ta, to goa on th' spree an' ommost kill a horse, but tha +mun come an' start o' illusin me? But awl mak thi smart for this as +sewer as my name is what it is!" + +"Aw nivver touched yo," sed Joa, "all aw did wor to hold mi' neive aght; +an' if yo had'nt run agean it i' sich a hurry it wod'nt ha harmed yo." + +"Awl let thi see whether it wod'nt or net! Goa into th' haase an' change +them clooas, an' nivver let mi' see thi face agean!" + +Joa wor as anxious to change his clooas an' get off hooam as Rodger wor +to be shut on him, for his shirt wor wet throo wi' sweeatin, an' his +shoulder had th' skin off wi' thrustin, to say nowt abaat th' knocks +he'd getten when he tummeld off th' heears. He didn't loise any time, +an' when he coom back Rodger had just oppened th' heears an' fun all th' +stooans. "What the degger's th' fooil been doin?" he sed, as he held a +Ieet to luk inside. "What's ta fill'd th' heears wi' stooans for, +lumpheead? Why, ther's a looad big enuff for a elephant." + +"They're just as yo put 'em in," sed Joa, "aw nivver touched ony on 'em; +an' if yo'll gie me mi wage awl be off hooam." + +"Here's two shillin! goa an' buy a rooap to hang thisen, for tha arn't +fit to live!" + +"When awm deead yo'll happen bury me for nowt, considerin 'at aw've +worked for yo?" + +"Eea, an' welcome! Th' sooiner an' th' better!" + +"Awm varry mich obliged to yo, an' awl send yo word when yore wanted, +but dooant be in a hurry.--Ther's nowt like takkin yer time. Gooid +neet." + +As that wor th' last job Joa ivver hed, Abergil did'nt mak up her mind +to have him, but that does'nt trouble him, for he says "Gettin wed is a +job a chap can do ony time, an' ther's noa need to be in a hurry." + +His mother's ommost fast what to do wi' him, an' hardly a day passes but +what shoo axes him "if he ivver meeans to get owt to do?" an' he allus +says, "Awm thinkin abaat it. Give a chap a bit o' time! What's yor +hurry?" + + + + +Ha Owd Stooansnatch's Dowter gate Wed. + + +He wor a reight hard-hearted sooart ov a chap wor owd Stooansnatch; ther +wor hardly a child 'at lived i'th' seet o'th' smook ov his chimley but +what ran away when they saw him coming, an' ther mothers, when they +wanted to freeten 'em a bit used to say, 'aw'll fotch owd Stooansnatch +if tha doesn't alter.' + +He wor worth a gooid bit o' brass, 'at he'd scraped together someway, +but like moor sich like it didn't mak him a jot happier, an' he lived as +miserly as if he hadn't a penny. Even th' sparrows knew what sooart ov a +chap he wor, for they'd goa into iverybody's back yard for two or three +crumbs but his, an' if one wor iver seen abaat his door, it wor set daan +to be a young en 'at wor leearnin wit. Fowk sed 'at he clam'd his wife +to deeath, for he wodn't pairt wi' th' smook off his porrige if he could +help it. Th' cowdest day i' winter ther wor hardly a bit o' fire i'th' +grate, an' sich a thing as a cannel ov a neet wor quite aght o' +question. Th' fowk 'at kept th' shop at th' yard end, sed he did buy a +pund when his wife wor laid deead i'th' haase, but it wor becoss he +darn't stop wi' a deead body at neet i'th' dark. But he'd a dowter, as +grand a lass 'as iver a star pept throo a skyleet at; shoo wor a beauty, +an' shoo wor as gooid as shoo wor bonny. When aw used to see her, shoo +used to remind me ov a lily in a assmidden. Shoo'd noa grand clooas to +her back, but what shoo had shoo lined 'em i' sich a nice style wol they +allus luk'd weel. Monny a chap wished he'd niver seen her, an' monny a +one made up ther mind if shoo wor to be had to get her. Some tried one +way an' some another, but owd Stooansnatch wor ready for 'em. Them 'at +went honor bright up to th' door an' axed, he ordered abaght ther +business, an' them 'at went creepin abaght th' haase after dark, he used +to nawp wi' his stick if he could catch' em. But ther wor one, a reglar +blade, he used to be allus playin some sooarts o' marlocks, but +iverybody liked him except owd Stooansnatch. He'd gooan wi' a donkey +hawkin puttates an' turnips an' stuff for a year or two, an' as he'd +gooan his raand he'd seen Bessy,--'Bonny Bessy,' as fowk called her--an' +th' neighbors nooaticed 'at if shoo wanted owt, 'at he allus picked th' +grandest bit he had for her, an' used to give her far moor bumpin weight +nor what he gave them. + +He'd gooan as far as to give her a wink once or twice, an' shoo'd gooan +as far as to give him a smile, but that wor all they'd getten to. But +one neet when he'd getten hooam, an' th' donkey wor put i'th' stable, +an' all his wark done, he sat daan ov a stooil an' stared into th' fire. + +'What's th' matter wi' thi, Joa?' sed his owd mother; 'aw see tha's +summat o' thi mind, hasn't ta had a gooid day?' + +'Yi! aw've had a gooid enuff day, mother, it isn't that.' + +'Why what is it lad? Tha luks a wantin.' + +'Yo say reight, an' aw am a wantin, but aw dooan't meean to be long. +Aw've made up mi mind to get wed, an' sooin an' all; for awm sure yo +arn't fit to be tewin as yor forced to be nah.' + +'A'a, Joa, tha'rt tryin to fooil thi owd mother awm feeard! But aw wish +aw may live to see that day, for aw think if aw saw thi nicely settled +aw could leave this world better content. But who does ta think o' +havin? Aw didn't know tha wor cooartin.' + +'Well, aw dooant think yo did, for aw havn't begun yet, but awve made up +mi mind to start, an that sooin.' + +'Waw, ther'll be a bit ov a sign when tha does begin, but if tha luks +soa yonderly afoor startin, aw dooant know what tha'll luk like afoor +th' weddin day. But let's be knowin who's th' lass.' + +'Well, aw know yo'll be capt when aw tell yo; but it's owd Stooansnatch +dowter.' + +'Th' grandest lass aw iver clapt mi een on, but if that's her tha's made +choice on awm feeard tha'll be disappointed. Owd Stooansnatch 'll want a +different chap throo bi thee for his son i'-law; waw, mun, when owt +happens th' owd man, shoo'll be worth her weight i' gold.' + +'Hi! fowk say soa, an' aw've been thinkin 'at that's nooan a bad thing! +Aw'll drop hawkin then, mother. If aw get aw'll that brass aw'll have +suet dumplins to ivery meal. But putting all that i'th' back graand, if +shoo hadn't a rag to her back nor a penny in her pocket, shoo's th' lass +for me; an' aw connot rest for thinkin abaat her, an' awm just studdyin +abaat gooin to see her to neet.' + +'Why, lad, art ta reight i' thi heead, thinks ta? Doesn't ta know what +sooart ov a chap her fayther is?' + +'Aw should think aw do! Aw've nooan traded wi' him soa long withaat +findin him aght.' + +'Well, awm nowt agean thi cooartin, but aw think tha mud ha fun sumdy +likelier nor Bessy; for tha'll nobbut be wastin thi time, tha may depend +on't. They'll have to be sumdy better nor thee 'at gets Bessy.' + +'Better nor me! Waw, aw wonder whean yo'll find him! For aw can wrastle +ony chap mi own weight, an' aw'll set misen agean th' world for bein a +judge ov a gooid maily puttate. Nah, if yo think awm gooin a beggin for +her to owd Stooansnatch yo're off yor horse, for awm net. Awm baan to ax +her th' furst, an' if shoo says 'Eea,' aw'l sooin work owd Stooansnatch +into th' mind.' + +'Why, lad, aw dooan't know what's getten into thi heead, but ther niver +wor one o' awr family went cracked afoor, an' aw hooap tha'll come +raand.' + +'Nah, mother, yo dooant know all 'at aw know, but aw'l just let yo into +a bit ov a saycret. Nah, aw've nooaticed 'at Bessy allus blushes when +shoo comes to buy owt o' me, an' shoo luks onywhear else rayther nor +shoo'll luk at me; an' shoo strokes th' owd donkey's nooas an' maks a +fuss on him, an' even gies him th' carrot tops, an' he munches' em up +an' luks at me as mich as to say--'This is her Joa; spaik up like a man +an' tha'll win;' an' latly he's begun to rawt as sooin as iver we've +getten into th' end o' th' street, an' aw tak that for a gooid sign, for +yo know Jerusalem wod do owt for me. An' nah as aw've finished mi supper +aw'll be off.' + +'Well, lad, aw wish thi weel, but awm feeard. Aw think if aw wor thee aw +should want summat moor nor a donkey rawtin to set me off o' sich a +eearand as that. Listen! does ta hear it nah? It's a rawtin agean. Can +ta tell me what that means?' + +'Nay, by gow, aw dooant know. Aw think it must meean 'luk sharp.'' + +'Aw think it meeans tha'rt a choolter heead, that's what aw think.' + +'Neer heed, mother; yo'll see when aw come back.' + +Soa off Joa went, full o' faith. When he gate aghtside, th' mooin wor +just risin, an' th' stars wor sparklin up i'th' sky, an' all wor clear +an' still. It wor a gooid two miles to Bessy's, an' he'd time to think a +bit; an' he kept turnin over in his mind what his mother had sed abaght +gooin cracked, an' he began to have some daats as to whether he wor +altogether square or net. 'A'a,' he sed, 'aw've missed it this time, for +aw mud ha browt her a heearin or some oonions for her supper, but it's +just like me, aw allus think o' thease things when it's too lat--aw must +ha been born a bit to lat; but what awm to do, or what awm to say when +aw get to owd Stooansnatche's aw connot tell. But fortune favors th' +brave,' an' aw have been lucky befoor, soa aw'll hooap to be lucky +agean.' + +Joa wor fast lessenin th' distance between hissen an' th' haase whear +owd Stooansnatch lived, an' it worn't long befoor he stood peepin in at +th' winder. He couldn't see owt, for all wor as dark as a booit inside. +He then began tryin to mak up a speech, or frame some mak ov excuse for +comin, but he wor clean lick'd, for moor he tried, an' th' farther off +he seemed to get, an he began to think 'at if he went on studdyin mich +longer it ud end in him gooin back baght dooin owt, soa he screwed up +his pluck an' knocked at th' door. He could hear a mumblin an' scufflin +inside, an' somdy strike a match, an' in a bit he heeard somdy unlock +two or three locks, an' shooit five or six bolts, an' then th' door +oppened abaght two inch, an' a nooas 'at iverybody knew belang'd to owd +Stooansnatch bobbed aght. + +'What does ta want at this time o'th' neet?' sed th' owd man. + +'Nay, nowt particlar; but didn't yo give me hauf-a-craan amang that +copper this mornin, think yo? Aw shouldn't like to wrang onybody, an' aw +did get hauf-a-craan somewhere.' + +Th' door oppened in a minit, an' Joa went in. He knew weel enuff 'at th' +hauf craan didn't belang to th' owd sinner, but he didn't care as he'd +getten in an' Bessy wor sittin bi th' side o'th' fire lukkin bonnier, he +thowt nor iver. + +Owd Stooansnatch wor reckonin to caant up his brass, an' in a bit he +says,--'Tha'rt reight, Joa, lad, it's mine; awm just hauf-a-craan short, +soa tha can give it me.' + +Joa hadn't heeard a word o' this speech, for his een wor fixed o' Bessy. +an' his maath wor oppen as if he wor gooin to swallow her. Bessy wor +blushin, an' seemed varry mich takken up wi' her toa 'at had popt throo +th' end ov her slipper. + +'Does ta hear me?' he sed sharply, 'aw tell thi it's mine, an' tha mun +give it me, an' dooant stand starin thear! Gi me that brass, an' then +tak thisen off hooam! aw connot affooard to keep a cannel burnin this +rooad for nowt.' + +'Why, thear's th' brass,' sed Joa, flinging it on to th' table. 'Aw +should think it owt to pay for a cannel or two.' + +'It's nowt to thee what it'll pay for! but tha's noa need to sit daan +thear for we're gooin to bed, an' soa tha mun goa.' + +'Well dooan't bi i' sich a hurry abbat it, awm net goin to stop all th' +neet yo needn't think, but aw've another bit o' business to see yo +abaat, 'at'll be moor i' yer way nor that hauf-craan's been.' + +'Well if that's th' case tha con stop a bit an' aw'll put th' cannel +aght, for we can tawk i'th' dark. An' nah tell me what it is.' + +'Yo see,' sed Joa, 'aw've been thinkin 'at it ud be a trouble to yo to +loise yor dowter, for aw know shoo's a gooid lass.' + +'Shoo's a extravagant hussey, that's what shoo is,' sed Stooansnatch, +'for shoo's just gien a booan away 'at's niver been stew'd nobbut once.' + +'Why shoo mayn't be just as careful as yo, shoo's young yet; but then aw +dooant think if her an' me gate wed withaat iver lettin yo know 'at yo'd +be altogether suited.' + +'Wed! Wed! Who says shoo's gooin to get wed? Wed! what to a bit ov a +puttaty hawker? If tha mentions sich a thing to me aw'll bundle thi aght +o'th' door i' quick sticks.' + +'Well, aw have mentioned it, an' aw'st mention it agean if aw like; an' +as for shovin me aght o'th' door, aw'll forgi yo if yo do that.' An Joa +quietly gate up an' locked th' door an' put th' key in his pocket. + +When owd Stooansnatch saw that he lauped aght of his cheer, fooamin at +th' maath like a mad dog. 'What are ta baan to do? Does ta want to rob +me? Aw'll mak thee pay for this!' + +'Yo can call it robbin if yo like, but what aw've coom for is yor +dowter, an' aw mean to have her unless shoo says noa, an' aw dooant +think her heart's hard enuff for that,' sed Joa lukkin at her. But Bessy +niver spaik, an' shoo seemed as if shoo could see nowt but th' toa aght +o'th' end ov her slipper. + +'Tha nasty ragamuffin! Tha impident scamp! Oppen that door! If tha +doesn't aw'll fetch th' perleece! Aw'd rayther bury her alive nor tha +should have her!' + +'Why yo needn't get into sich a fit abaat it fayther (for aw suppooas aw +may call yo fayther nah), yo know sich things--' + +'Fayther! Fayther! Whose fayther? Awm nooan thy fayther nor likely to +be! Aw'd rayther pairt wi' ivery hawpeny aw have nor iver think 'at tha +wor owt to me!' + +'Well, Bessy's fayther'll be my fayther when we get wed, an' aw dooan't +see what ther is to be 'shamed on i' that. But aw think yo'd better put +a bit o' coil on th' foir for it's rayther a cooil neet.' + +'Awst put noa coil on th' foir, aw con tell thi that. Aw havn't getten +my brass wi' burnin coil at this time o'th' neet. Aw hooap tha'll be +frozzen to th' deeath if tha doesn't goa.' + +'Noa fear abaat me bein frozzen, becoss if yo d'ooant put some on aw +will, soa crack that nut, fayther.' + +'Aw'll crack thy nut if tha touches ony coils here!' sed Stooansnatch, +seizin hold o'th' pooaker, 'aw'll do that for thee an' sharply if tha +doesn't hook it.' + +'If yo cannot keep yor temper better nor that aw should advise yo to goa +to bed an' leave Bessy an' me to talk matters ovver a bit; an' awm net +gooin to caar here an' get mi deeath o' cold for th' sake ov a bit ov +coil aw can tell yo,' an' Joa tuk th' coil basket an' emptied it onto +th' foir. 'Nah then just leearn me that pooaker, or else scale it yorsen +fayther, an' then we shall have a bit o' leet.' But Stooansnatch kept +fast hold o'th' pooaker, soa Joa scaled it wi' th' tongs. + +'Yo happen havn't owt to sup i'th' haase Bessy, have yo?' he sed, +spaikin to her for th' first time since he'd takken possession. But +still Bessy seem'd altogether takken up wi th' toa 'at wor peepin aght +ov her slipper. + +'Dooan't be 'shamed lass, dooan't be 'shamed, thi fayther'll be all +reight in a bit. Come an' let's gie thi a kuss,' he sed, stoopin ovver +her an' puttin his arm raand her waist. + +This wor moor nor owd Stooansnatch could stand, soa swingin th' pooaker +aboon his heead, he browt it daan wi' a fearful crack onto th' heead o' +poor Joa, who at once reel'd ovver an fell insensible to th' graand. + +Terrified when he saw what he'd done, Stooansnatch let th' pooaker fall, +an' Bessy jump'd up wringin her hands an' cryin 'Oh, fayther! yo've +killed him! yo've killed him! Oh, Joa, Joa, spaik to me! What shall we +do? Fayther bring a leet sharp!' + +But that wor aght o'th' question, for his hand tremeld soa 'at he +couldn't leet a cannel, soa Bessy had to leet it, an' then shoo bent +ovver th' form ov poor Joa. A little crimson stream wor slowly formin a +pool abaat his heead, an' his pale face luk'd soa awful wi' his jet +black hair araand his brow, 'at Bessy seemed ommast as terrified as her +fayther. But tho' shoo wor scared for a minnit shoo sooin gate ovver it, +an' set to bind up his heead an' place it carefully on a cushion. Then +shoo bathed his face wi' watter, but still ther wor noa sign o' life. + +'Aw didn't mean to hit him soa hard, Bessy, awm sure aw didn't.' + +'Yo'll be hung for it as sure as yor standin thear, an' then what's to +come o' me, left withaat onybody to care for me?' + +Owd Stooansnatch could say nowt for a long time, but at last he sed, +'Bessy, put thi hand in his pocket for th' door kay. Aw think aw'd +better fotch a doctor.' + +Bessy felt backward at putting her hand i' his pocket, but shoo did soa, +an' handed th' kay to her fayther, an' in a varry short time he wor +hobblin off for a doctor. + +Bessy kept bathing his heead, an' in a while he slowly oppened his een +an' luk'd raand. 'Ha does ta feel, Joa?' axed Bessy, in a voice as +tender as if shoo'd been talkin to a babby. 'Whativer will thi mother +say?' + +This sooart o' tawk browt Joa to his senses. 'Well, Bessy,' he sed, 'my +mother tell'd me aw wor gooin cracked bat aw think awm brokken nah. +Whear's thi fayther?' + +'Gooan for a doctor; he thinks tha'rt killed, an' he's terrified aght ov +his wits.' + +'Well, if my heead worn't pratty thick, aw should ha done sellin +puttates. But, Bessy, if aw come raand all reight will ta be mi wife? +Tell me that?' + +'Hold thi noise; tha munnot talk--sithee ha thi heead's bleedin.' + +'Neer heed it! My heart'll bleed too if tha willn't ha me;--nah, lass, +what says ta?' + +'Tha knows mi fayther'll niver agree to it, soa what's th' use o' +talkin.' + +'But will ta agree to it if he does? That's what aw want to know?' + +'If tha'll nobbut hold thi noise aw'll agree to owt;--tha luks moor like +burryin nor weddin.' + +'Well, that's settled, an' aw'll tell thi ha aw con get top-side o'th' +old man. Dunnot say a word abaat me havin come raand, an' when th' +doctor comes aw'll put him up to a thing.' + +Just then th' door oppen'd, an' Stooansnatch an' th' doctor coom in. Joa +shut his een an' tried to luk as deead as he could. Th' doctor felt his +pulse, an' luk'd at his heead, an' sed, 'we must get this man to bed, it +seems to me that his skull is fractured.' + +'Do yo think he's likely to dee?' axed Stooansnatch. + +'Well, it's very doubtful; it's a bad case, but we must make the best of +it, so help me to get him to bed.' + +They all three tuk hold on him, an' wi' a deeal o' trouble managed to +get him into Bessy's room, an' to bed. 'Now then, get some brandy an' +some stickin plaister,--Bessy can fetch it.' + +'Na, aw'll fotch it; aw con get it cheaper,' sed Stooansnatch. An' off +he went, wonderin ha mich he could save aght o'th' hauf craan Joa'd gien +him. + +As sooin as he'd gooan, Joa oppened his een, an' raisin hissen up on his +elbow an' winkin at th' doctor, he sed, 'doctor, con yo keep a saycret?' + +Th' doctor wor soa capt wol he ommost fell into th' assnuck, an' withaat +waitin for him to spaik, Joa sed, 'yo see aw've had a nasty knock, an aw +mean to mak owd Stooansnatch pay for it.' + +'Certainly! Quite proper! Sue him for L100 damages. I'll attend as a +witness.' + +'But that isn't th' way aw want to mak him pay for it. Aw dooan't want +his brass, aw want his dowter, an' it's becoss aw axed him for her 'at +he crack'd mi heead. Nah, if yo can nobbut mak him believe 'at this is a +varry bad case, an' freeten him wi' makkin him believe 'at aw shall +niver get better, aw think we can manage it.' + +'Capital! capital!' sed th' doctor, rubbin his hands wi' glee (for he +wor noa fonder o' Stooansnatch nor th' rest o' fowk) 'th' very thing! +You can depend on me. Ah! here he comes.' + +Joa shut his een, an th' doctor lained ovver him as if he wor examinin +his heead, an' Bessy stood wi' her apron up to her face as if shoo wor +cryin, but shoo wor laughin fit to split, for shoo could enjoy a joke at +th' owd man's expense as weel as onybody. + +Owd Stooansnatch coom in traidin of his tip tooas, holdin a roll o' +plaister i' one hand an' sixpenoth o' brandy i'th' tother. + +Th' doctor luk'd at him an' pool'd a long face an' sed, 'I'm afraid its +of no use, Mr. Stooansnatch; this is a bad case, and had better be taken +to the hospital.' + +'Will it be cheaper to have him thear nor at home?' sed Stooansnatch. + +'That I can't tell, but I shall be compelled to give you into custody. +Murder is a sad thing, Mr. Stooansnatch--a terrible thing, sir; and the +hanging of an old man is an awful thing to contemplate.' + +'Murder? hanging? Aw didn't do it! They'll niver hang me for it, will +they? A'a dear, what'll come o' Bessy an' all my bit o' brass? Keep him +here, doctor, an' try to cure him; aw dooant care if it costs a paand,' +an th' old man trembled wol he had to steady hissen agean th' bed +pooast. + +Joa had kept quiet as long as he could, an for fear o' spoilin it all +wi' laffin, he set up a groan laad enuff to wakken a deead en. + +'Poor fellow,' sed th' doctor, givin him a drop o' brandy, 'that's a +fearful groan.' He then cut a lot o' hair, an' put on abaat six inch +square o' plaister, an' leavin him, went into th' next room wi' owd +Stooansnatch, leavin Bessy an' Joa together, an' yo may bet Joa made +gooid use of his time, for he'd begun his cooartin i' hard earnest, an' +he meant to goa throo wi' it. What they sed to one another aw dooant +know, but aw suppoas they talk'd th' same sooart o' fooilery as other +fowk, an' believed it. Haiver, ther's one thing sartin, they coom to +understand one another varry weel, or if they didn't, they thowt they +did. + +When th' doctor an' th' owd man wor i'th' next room, an' th' door shut, +th' doctor sed, 'Tell me all about this affair,--how it happened, and +tell me the truth, for if he dies, the law will require me to state all +I know, and perhaps it might be possible to have the sentence commuted +to transportation for life instead of hanging.' + +'Oh, doctor, do get me aght o' this scrape if yo can. Aw'll tell yo all +abaat it, an' yo tell me what to do.' + +Soa he tell'd him all just as it happened, an' when he'd finished th' +doctor luk'd wise for a minit or two, an' then he sed, varry slowly an' +solemnly, 'so you spilt a fellow creature's blood because he wanted to +marry your daughter. The case looks very bad--very bad.' + +'What mun aw do, doctor? Connot you tell me what to do?' + +'I can only see one way, and that is, if we could bring him to +consciousness, and get a minister to marry them before he dies, then you +see he would be your son-in-law, and his mother would never like to have +it said that her daughter-in-law's father had been hanged, and the thing +might be hushed up; the only difference would be that your daughter +would be a widow.' + +'A widow! an' then shoo could claim his donkey, an puttates, an' all his +clooas, couldn't shoo?' 'Yes, certainly.' + +'Well, they'll be worth summat, for he's some varry gooid clooas, an' +they'd just abaat fit me. Aw think that's th' best way to do.' + +'Well if it has to be done it must be done quickly. If you will get a +marriage license and a minister, I will endeavour to restore him to +consciousness, so you had better be off.' + +Off went old Stooansnatch, tho' it wor nobbut four o'clock i'th' mornin. + +When he'd gooan, th' doctor tell'd all 'at had happened. Bessy begged +hard to have it put off for a wick, but Joa tawk'd soa weel, an' th' +doctor backed him i' all he sed, wol at last shoo consented. + +In abaat two haars, th' old man coom back, an browt th' license an' th' +parson wi' him. + +'Is he livin yet?' he axed in a whisper. + +'Hush! yes, he still survives and is quite conscious,' an' withaat any +moor to do he led' em into th' room an' motioned th' parson to waste noa +time; an' he walked up to th' bedside an' takkin hold o' one o' each o' +ther hands began his nomony, an' wor varry sooin throo wi' it, an' +pronounced 'em man an' wife. + +It wor a gooid job at Stooansnatch turned his back wol it wor gooin on, +for if he hadn't he mud ha smell'd a rat, an' a big en too. + +As sooin as it wor ovver th' doctor went to Joa an' axed him ha he felt. + +'Aw think awm gettin on gradely thank yo; ha's mi fayther gettin on?' he +sed, in a voice as laad as if he wor hawkin his greens. + +Th' parson wor soa takken wol he let his book tummel, an owd +Stooansnatch jumpt ommost aght ov his booits, an' turned raand to see if +it wor possible to be Joa 'at had spokken; an when he saw him sittin up, +winking one e'e, an' a grin all ovver his face, he luk'd at him for a +minit an then he sed, 'Joa aw allus thowt thee a daycent sooart ov a +lad, but aw niver gave thi credit for havin mich wit, but tha's getten +th' best on me this time. Tha's played thi cards pratty weel for that +lass, an' tha hasn't wasted mich time ovver th' gam, but tha's ommost +brokken mi heart.' + +'Well, yo've ommost brokken my heead, soa we're straight.' + +'Tha thinks tha's done summat clivver, but aw'll fix yo all, for aw +willn't leave yo a hawpeny, noa net a hawpeny.' + +'Yo can keep all yor brass an' welcome, an' mich gooid may it do yo, +aw've getten all yo had at aw hankered after, an soa nah aw'll get up +an' tak her wi' me, for shoo's mine nah, an' aw think that old donkey +an' me will be able to find her summat to ait, at any rate we'll try.' + +Joa jumpt up (for he wor varry little warse for his hurt,) an' tellin +Bessy to put on her duds prepared to leeave. + +'Well, Mr. Stooansnatch,' sed th' doctor, 'a weddin is better than a +hangin after all, isn't it?' + +'Hangin be hanged! yo've been just as deep i'th' muck as they've been +i'th' mire, an' if awd my way awd hang yo all. But aw say, luk here, aw +dooant want to be made a laffin-stock on, an soa if yo'll promise niver +to mention this affair, maybe aw shall do summat for' em yet, an' if +anybody axes owt abaat it, say it wor done wi' my consent.' + +They all promised, an' as they wor leeavin Joa sed, 'gooid mornin +fayther, yo mun come up an' see _awr_ Bessy as oft as yo can, we'll mak +yo welcome.' + +'Joa tha'rt a scaandrel if iver ther wor one, an' thee Bess, see at tha +behaves thisen, an let' em see at tha hasn't been brought up wi' +extravagant ways; save a penny wheariver tha can, th' time may come when +yo'll need it. Here's a bit o' summat to start wi',' he sed, an' gave +her an old bacca box an' shut th' door. + +They all laffed, an' as they wor goin up th' street Joa oppen'd th' box, +an' inside wor a little bit o' paper, an' written on it thease words. +'For Bessy's wedding if she weds with my consent.' They all luk'd +curiously to see what wor in it as he slowly oppen'd it, an they could +hardly believe ther een when they saw a Bank o' England note for L500. + +Well, yo may think ha capt Joa's mother wor when shoo saw him come in +wi' Bessy on his arm, for it wor nobbut th' neet befoor 'at he'd goan +aght cooartin, an' when he saw her he sed, 'Well, mother, yo sed aw wor +gooin cracked, an' sin' aw saw yo aw've been cracked an' getten spliced, +an' aw've browt yo a dowter; an' as aw've axed some friends o' mine to +come to ther drinkin, yo mun side all them tubs an' buy some rum, an' +let us have some rum an' teah, an' owt else yo can get us, for we want a +gooid blowout. An' wol yo do that, Bessy an' me 'll goa to bed a bit, +for we've been up all th' neet an' awm sure shoo must be sleepy.' + +'Nay awm nooan sleepy Joa, thee goa to bed an' aw'll help thi mother.' + +'That's reight lass,' sed his mother, 'aw mak nowt o' fowk sleepin i'th' +day time, thee help me an' tak noa notice o' him, he isn't reight in his +heead, aw cannot tell ha iver he caanselled thee to have him.' + +'Nah mother, dooant yo interfere between a man an' his wife; yo forget +at aw've had my heead smashed sin aw saw yo, an' aw want a bit o' rest.' + +'Thee goa to bed an' get all th' rest tha wants, tha'll sleep better bi +thisen 'coss tha'rt moor used to it, an' aw'll see at Bessy doesn't run +away.' + +'But, mother, yo see'-- + +'Aw see nowt abaat it, an' unless tha clears aght o' this hoil ther'll +nawther be rum an' teah nor nowt else! Bless mi life lad! does ta think +at ther wor niver onybody wed afoor thee? tha'rt war nor a child wi' a +new laikon.' + +Joa saw it wor noa use tawkin, soa he went aght to feed his donkey, an' +luk after th' pigs an' poultry, an' mak believe he wor iver soa thrang. + +At last drinkin time coom, an' a few friends coom up, an' a jolly time +they had. Joa luk'd joyous an' Bessy luk'd bonny, an' just befoor they +separated for th' neet an' wor all standin up to drink long life an' +prosperity to th' newly married couple, th' door oppen'd an' in coom owd +Stooansnatch. 'Well,' he sed, 'awm just i' time,' soa seizing hold ov a +glass o' rum he says here's a toast; + + 'May thease young ens to-day has seen joined, + Find all th' pleasure ther hearts are now cravin; + An' when spendin my brass may they find, + As mich pleasure as aw fun i' savin.' + +Ov coorse this tooast wor drunk i' bumpers, an' sooin after they brake +up, an' all went to ther hooams. + +Joa an' Bessy seem to get on varry weel together; an Joa's mother says +'at all shoo wants to mak her happy is to be a granmother. + +Stooansnatch seems to be altered famously sin Bessy gate wed, an' it is +sed (but for th' truth on it aw willn't pledge misen), 'at one day he +gave a little lad a penny to buy spice wi'. If its true, he isn't past +hooap yet. + +He spends th' mooast ov his time up at Joa's, but he's niver had a +pooaker in his hand sin that neet, an' if yo want to see him mad, just +say a word abaat hangin. + + + + +Th' New Railrooad. + + +Yo've heeard tell abaat th new railrooad aw dar say? It's an age o' +steeam is this! Smook nuisance and boilers brustin are ivery-day +affairs, an' ivery thing an' ivery body seem to be on at full speed. Aw +wonder 'at noabdy invents a man wi a drivin pulley at his back soa's +they could speed him up as they do a loom to soa mony picks a minit; th' +chap 'at get's a patent for that ul mak a fortune. + +But after all, they dooant seem in a varry gurt hurry abaat th' new +railroad; but we mun remember Rome wor'nt built in a day, nor a neet +nawther, an' soa we mun have patience. They've nobbut been agate two or +three year, an' although it's hardly likely at' we shall live to see it +finished, happen somedy else will, an' that's a comfort. But bi what aw +hear, ther's some fowk at Ovenden fancy it'll be finished befoor soa +varry long, an' they've started what they call "a railway trainin +class," to taich some oth' young chaps to be railway porters, soa's +they'll be ready when th' time comes. They meet in a cottage haase twice +a wick to practice, an' they say they're gettin on furst rate. Ther's +owd Billy 'at wor once a firer-up for a veal pie shop, an' he's th' +president, an he's getten th' asthma soa bad wol if he sturs he puffs +war nor a broken winded horse, soa they call him puffin Billy. When +they're practisin', they stand o'th' side o'th' oven door i' ther turns, +an' when Billy whistles one on 'em oppens it an' shaats aght "Change +here for Bradford Beck, Halifax, Hull and t'other shops!" then he bangs +it too ageean an shaats "All reight!" an another comes an' does th' +same. When they began at th' furst they borrowed a Tom cat o' th' old +woman, an' used to put it i' th' oven for a passenger, but one o'th' +chaps wor soa fussy, 'at he bang'd th' door too befoor it had getten +reight aght, an' chopped its tail clean off. Niver mind if th' owd woman +didn't mak a crack--shoo declared shoo'd sue' em for condemnation. Billy +tell'd her it ud be a Manx cat after that, but shoo sooin tell'd him +shoo wanted nooan sich lik manx; soa they have to tak ther lessons nah +withaat passenger. Two on 'em 'at's passed ther examination are studdyin +nah for ticket collectors, an' they promise to mak varry gooid uns. When +they practise that, they call th' haase door th' furst class, th' +cubbord th' second class, an' th' oven door th' third class, an' they +start at th' haase door furst, "Gentlemen, your tickets please," then +they goa to th' cubbord door, "Tickets," an' then to th' oven door, "Nah +then, luk sharp wi' them tickets." + +But they'd a sad mishap one neet, for it seems th' owd woman had been +bakin, and shoo forgate to mention it, soa when th' furst chap gate hold +o' th' oven door hannel he burn'd his fingers, an' becos tother students +lafft he sed they'd done it o' purpose; an' it led to a reglar fratch, +an' he gate into sich a rage 'at he sed he'd swallow one on em, if he +did'nt hold his din, an' it wod'nt be th' furst porter he'd swallow'd +nawther! Soa th' taicher tell'd him 'at sich like carryin on wor varry +unporterish, an' if he brake th' rules that way he'd have to be taken +before th' inspector. But nowt could quieten him till he gate his +fingers rubb'd wi sooap an' they gave ovver smartin, soa as th' oven +door wor hot they had to practice another pairt. One on 'em borrowed a +wheelbarrow, as they could'nt get a luggage lurry, an' they had to wheel +it up an' daan th' haase floor i' ther turns, callin aght "By leave!" +An' them 'at could manage to run ovver one o' th' tother's tooas, an' +goa on as if nowt wor, gate one gooid mark, but him at could run buzz +agean a chap an' fell him wor th' next on th' list for a guard. It used +to be warm wark boath for him at wor wheelin' an' for tothers, but they +wor all on 'em bent o' bein' porters, soa they tew'd at it, detarmined +to maister all th' ins an' aghts abaat it. Whether all ther trouble will +be thrown away or net aw connot tell, but ther's one gooid thing, it +keeps' em aght ov a war turn an' saves th' police a deal o' bother. + +But th' owd fowk dooant like th' idea; they see noa use i' bringin sich +gurt stinkin things into their district, an' they've detarmined to do +all they con to stop it; when a body's been able to live 60 or 70 year +withaat sich like nonsense, they see noa reason why they shouldn't be +let finish their bit o' time aght quietly. Ther wor one young lad went +to ax his gronfayther if he mud join th' class, an' th' owd chap went +varry near into a fit, he luk'd at him for a minit, an' then he says, + + A'a, Johnny! a'a, Johnny! aw'm sooary for thee! + But come thi ways to me, an' sit o' mi knee. + For it's shockin' to hearken to th' words 'at tha says;-- + Ther wor nooan sich like things i' thi gronfayther's days. + + When aw wor a lad, lads wor lads, tha knows, then, + But nahdays they owt to be 'shamed o' thersen; + For they smook, an' they drink, an' get other bad ways; + Things wor different once i'thi gronfayther's days. + + Aw remember th' furst day aw went coortin' a bit, + An' walked aght thi gronny;--awst niver forget; + For we blushed wol us faces wor all in a blaze;-- + It wor nooa sin to blush i' thi gronfayther's days. + + Ther's nooa lasses nah, John, 'at's fit to be wed; + They've false teeth i' ther maath, an' false hair o' ther heead: + They're a make-up o' buckram, an' waddin', an' stays, + But a lass wor a lass i' thi gronfayther's days. + + At that time a tradesman dealt fairly wi th' poor, + But nah a fair dealer can't keep oppen th' door; + He's a fooil if he fails, he's a scamp if he pays; + Ther wor honest men lived i' thi gronfayther's days. + + Ther's chimleys an' factrys i' ivery nook nah, + But ther's varry few left 'at con fodder a caah; + An' ther's telegraff poles all o'th' edge o'th' highways, + Whear grew bonny green trees i' thi gronfayther's days. + + We're teld to be thankful for blessin's 'ats sent, + An' aw hooap 'at tha'll allus be blessed wi content: + Tha mun mak th' best tha con o' this world wol tha stays, + But aw wish tha'd been born i' thi gronfayther's days. + + + + +Mose Hart's Twelvth Mess. + + +'Holloa! whear ta for, Dick? Tha'rt donned up fearful grand.' + +'Nay, aw nobbut wish aw knew whear aw wor, but aw connot tell for th' +life on me; but tha can happen put me into th' end, for awm seekin "Th' +Fiddle Brig an' Blow Pipe Music Saloon," for aw've getten two tickets +for a grand consart 'at's gooin to be gien bi some Morpheus Musical +Society, an' aw've rammel'd abaat for a gooid clock haar, an' awm blow'd +if aw can find th' shop.' + +'Why, if tha's getten two tickets tha mud as weel gie me one, an' aw'll +goa hooam an' get donned, an' we'st be company.' + +'Bith' heart, lad, aw wish tha wod; aw dooant care bein my share towards +a quairt if tha'll goa, but awm feeard we'st be lat; doesn't ta think +them clooas tha has on'll do?' + +'Nay, tha sees mi britches knee is brussen.' + +'Ne'er heed, aw'l leearn thi mi kerchy, an' then as sooin as tha's +getten set daan tha can spreead it ovver thi knees, an' nobdy'll iver +know owt abaat it.' + +'Well, if tha doesn't mind aw dooant, for a chap had better have a hoil +in his clooas nor a hoil in his karracter, soa let's try to find this +place. Sithee! what does that sign say 'at's hingin' aght o' th' charmer +winder?' + +'Nay, Seth, tha knows awm noa reader, an' besides aw havn't mi specks, +but what does ta mak it into?' + +'Well, ther's a Hess, an' a Hay, an' a Hell, an' two Hoes, an' a Hen, +what does that spell?' + +'Nay, aw connot tell, but it'll nooan be what we want awm sewer o' that, +for thear's noa hens abaat thear.' + +'Ha hens, lumpheead! It's th' letter N aw sed.' + +'Litter hen! why aw nivver heeard o' sich o' thing; aw've heeard o' pigs +havin litters but nivver hens, we call 'em cletches.' + +'Tha gets less sense, Dick, ivvery day, aw do think. Doesn't ta +understand? Ther's a Hess, an' a Hay, an' a Hell, an' two Hoes, an' a +Hen, an' that spells saloon, or else aw've forgetten my algibra.' + +'Well, well, happen it does; tha's noa need to get soa cross-grained +abaat it; if tha goes on like that aw'll gie th' ticket to somdy else, +nah mark that.' + +'Tha can gie it to who the duce tha's a mind, Dick; awm nawther beholden +to thee nor to thi ticket, soa crack that nut!' + +'Well, tha's noa need to be soa chuff. Here's th' ticket an' mi kerchy, +an' nah tha con follow clois to me an' we'll goa up stairs. Aw con hear +some mewsic bi nah, come on.' + +Just as they oppened th' door all th' singers wor standin up to begin. + +'Dooant stand up for th' sake o' us,' sed Dick, 'get on wi' yer mewsic, +we can caar daan onywhear.' Iverybody laff'd when Dick sed soa, an' as +they didn't know what they wor laffin at they thowt it wor at Seth's +britches. + +'Yo've noa need to laff,' sed Seth, 'aw've some better at hooam.' + +'Silence! silence!' bawled aght a lot o' fowk; an' when all wor quiet, +th' chap at th' far end began shakkin a bit ov a stick 'at he had, an' +Seth sed, 'Tha's noa need to shak thi stick at me,' but what he sed +beside wor lost, for all th' singers struck up, an' Dick an' Seth set +daan o' th' edge ov a big drum 'at ther wor in th' nook. In a bit Seth +axed th' chap 'at set next to him what they wor singin. + +'It's Mozart's Twelfth Mass,' he sed. + +'Why, what dooant they turn him aght for?' + +'Turn who aght?' sed th' chap lukkin raand. + +'Why, Mose Hart. If he worked at awr shop he'd be secked for one mess, +niver tawk abaat twelve.' + +'Whisht!' sed th' chap, an' gave Seth a drive wi' his elbow just between +his brace buttons, an' Seth went daan wi' a soss onto th' drum end, an' +throo it he went wi' a crack as laad as a pistol gooin off. + +'Thear, tha's done it,' sed Dick; 'Tha's letten all th' mewsic aght o' +that, onyway; they owt to ha made a drum major o' thee.' + +'It's noa fawt o' mine,' he sed, as he tried to scramel aght. 'Let me +catch hold o' that chap' at knocked th' wind aght o' me, an' if aw +dooant drum him it'll be becoss aw connot.' + +When he gate to his feet he luk'd raand, but th' chap had mizel'd, but +all th' singers wor standin raand laffin fit to split. + +'Are yo laffin becoss mi britches knees is brussen or becose th' drum +end's brussen, aw'd like to know?' + +'What's th' matter wi' thi? tha'rt as mad as if tha'd swoller'd th' drum +asteead o'th' drum swollerin thee; tha mud ha getten thi bally brussen,' +sed Dick. + +'It's very plain to me that there will be no more harmony here this +ev'ning,' sed th' little man 'at wor shakkin th' stick, 'and so I shall +leave you, an' I hope those who have tickets to dispose of, will in +future give them to persons who can appreciate music.' + +'Aw'll mak thee sick for two pins,' sed Seth, 'if tha says owt agean me, +aw'll sing thee for glasses raand ony day.' + +The conductor sed no more but went home. + +'Who is yond leckterin fooil?' sed Seth, to a chap 'at stood near. + +'That's th' conductor.' + +'Corn doctor, is he? Why, what does he want at a singing doo? Connot yo +cut yor own corns?' + +'Tha doesn't understand, he's th' leeader.' + +'Well, if he's th' leeader, what dooant yo follow him for? But nah luk +here! aw'll tell yo what aw'll do. Aw've been th' cause o' braikin up +yor spree, soa suppoas yo all stop an' have a bit ov a doo wi' me; aw've +getten a shillin or two an' we'll send for some ale an' mak a reglar +free-an-easy on it.' + +'Hear! hear!' sed one. + +'Ov course we'll have it here, whear else does ta want it!' Soa they all +agreed to sit daan, and Seth sent for two gallon o' ale an' some bacca, +an' nooan on 'em seemed to be sooary 'at things had turned aght as they +had. + +When they'd all had a second tot, an' getten ther pipes let, they made +Seth into th' cheerman, an' he sed they'd have to excuse him for net +knowin ther names, but when he wanted to call anybody up he'd do his +best to mak 'em understand who he meant, an' to begin wi, he should mak +bould to ax that chap wi' th' big nooas to sing a song. + +Nubdy stirred, soa Seth pointed him aght an' sed, 'Will that chap wi' +th' red peg i'th' middle ov his face oblige the company with a song?' + +Th' chap couldn't mistak who wor meant this time, so he gate up. + +'Mister cheerman,' he sed, 'aw doant know 'at my nooas owes yo or +onybody else owt, an' why it should be remarked aw can't tell.' + +'Aw should think it owes thee a gooid deal,' sed th' cheerman. 'If tha +doesn't want it to be remarked tha shouldn't paint it sich a bright +colour; but get on wi' th' singing.' + +'Awm noa singer, aw play a offerclyde, but awm thinkin' o' changin, an' +leearnin th' fiddle.' + +'That's reight, lad, do. Awm sure it'll tak all th' wind tha has to blow +that peg o' thine i' cold weather; a fiddle 'll suit thee better, an' +tha'll niver be fast for a spot to hing up thi stick. But it's a song we +want, an' not a speech, an' if tha doesn't sing tha'll be fined a +quairt.' + +That settled it; soa, clearin his voice, he began-- + + Tho' the sober shake the head, + And drink water, boys, instead, + And the foolish all strong liquors do decry; + Yet the foaming glass for me, + May we never, never see + A friend without a draught when dry. + + Then quaff, boys, quaff, and let's be merry; + Why should dull care be crowned a king? + Let us have another drain, till the night begins to wane, + And the bonny, bonny morn peeps in. + + Let us drown each selfish soul + Deep in the flowing bowl; + Let the rosy god of wine take the throne; + And he who cannot boast + Some good humour in his toast, + Let him wander in the world alone. + Then quaff, boys, &c. + + O, I love a jolly face, + And I love a pretty lass, + And I love to see the young and old around; + Then with frolic and with fun + Let both wine and moments run, + And the hearty, hearty laugh resound. + Then quaff, boys, &c. + + When man was placed on earth + He was naked at his birth, + But God a robe of reason round him threw; + First he learned to blow his nose, + Then he learned to make his clothes, + And then he learned to bake and brew. + Then, quaff, boys, &c. + + If it's wrong to press the vine-- + Thus to make the rosy wine, + Then it must be wrong to crush the wheaten grain; + But we'll laugh such things to scorn, + And although it's coming morn, + Just join me in another drain. + Then quaff, boys, &c. + +'E'e gow, lad! that's a rare song. Aw'll say nowt noa moor abaat thy +nooas after that, but tha munnot sing that amang teetotallers. It's thy +call nah, let's keep it movin, call for who or what tha likes.' + +'Well, if awm to call, aw shall call th' landlord to fill this pitcher, +for this pipe o' mine's varry dry.' + +'All reight, lad, order it to be filled, aw'll pay for it, an wol +they're fotchin it call o' somdy for a song or summat.' + +'Well, aw call o'th' cheerman for a song.' + +'Nay, lad, tha munnot call o' me, for if awd to start ony mak ov mewsic +aw should niver get throo it.' + +'Yo went throo th' drum easy enuff,' said one. + +'Eea, an' he brag'd he could sing better ner awr conductor,' sed +another. + +'Nah chaps, aw'll do my best to mak it a pleasant neet, an' as th' ale +has just come up aw'll give yo a tooast an' a sentiment booath i' one.' + + Hold up yer heads, tho' at poor workin men + Simple rich ens may laff an' may scorn; + May be they ne'er haddled ther riches thersen, + Somdy else lived afoor they wor born, + As noble a heart may be fun in a man + 'At's a poor fusten coit for his best, + An 'at knows he mun work or else he mun clam, + As yo'll find i' one mich better drest. + + Soa, here's to all th' workers wheariver they be, + I'th' land, or i'th' loom, or i'th' saddle; + And the dule tak all them 'at wod mak us less free, + Or rob us o'th' wages we haddle. + +'Them's just my sentiment,' sed one o'th' singers, 'an' +aw dooant care who hears me say it, for aw dooant care +whether a chap's coit is aght o'th' elbows or his britches +knees brussen, noa matter if he's----' + +'Thee shut up,' sed Seth, 'it's my call next, an' aw want +thee to know, owd fiddle-face, 'at tha can give ovver talking +abaat fowks clooas, an' sing as sooin an tha likes.' + +'Mr. Cheerman, aw nobbut know one, but as sooin as +aw've supt aw'll start, shove th' ale this rooad.' + +'Get supt then, it taks more bother to start thee singin +nor what it taks to start th' Dyke Engin.' + + All kinds of songs I've heard folks sing, + Of things in every nation; + Of Queen's Road swells, and Clarehall belles, + And every new sensation. + But I've a song you never heard, + Although the music's ancient; + It's all about one Doctor Bird, + And his fascinating patient. + So list to me + And I'll tell you all the story of this Doctor B. + + One day he sat within his room, + By draughts and pills surrounded; + Strange pictures hanging on the walls + Which timid folks confounded. + He heard the bell, and strange to tell, + He quickly changed his manner, + And in there came his bosom's flame + His darling Mary Hannah. + So list to me, &c. + + 'Sweet Mary Hannah!' 'Doctor dear'-- + Such was their salutation; + 'I've come,' sed she, 'for much I fear, + I've got the palpitation.' + 'O never mind,' says Doctor B., + 'You need not long endure it; + Just come a little nearer me, + I fancy I can cure it.' + But list to me, &c. + + He took a loving, long embrace, + Cries she, 'Oh, dear, that's shocking!' + When the doctor's boy, to mar their joy, + Just entered without knocking. + And when he saw the state o' things, + Then down the stairs he hurried, + And ran to tell the Doctor's wife,-- + For Doctor B. was married. + So list to me, &c. + + The Doctor seized his hat and cane, + And cried, 'Dear Mary, hook it!' + Then down he ran, and found a cab, + And in an instant took it-- + 'Drive for your life and fetch my wife, + And need no second telling!' + And in a very little time + They reached the Doctor's dwelling. + So list to me, &c. + + His wife was there, said he, 'My dear + Come with me to the city, + I'm lonely when you are not near,' + Says she, 'Why that's a pity.' + He took her to the self same room, + And in the self same manner; + He kissed and coaxed his lawful wife, + As he'd just kissed Mary Hannah. + So list to me, &c. + + In loving talk some time they spent, + Says she, 'now I'll go shopping;' + He kissed her and as out she went, + The Doctor's boy came hopping; + He saw her and he quickly cried, + 'O, please excuse me missus, + But Doctor's got a girl inside, + And he's smothering her with kisses. + So list to me, &c. + + 'You little sneaking cur,' she cried, + 'That shows that you've been peeping.' + She boxed his ears from side to side + And quickly sent him weeping. + The Doctor rubbed his hands and smiled, + To think how well he'd plan'd it, + And Mrs. B.'s quite reconciled, + But the boy don't understand it. + So you all see + What a very cunning fellow was this Doctor B. + + Now all you married men so gay, + Just listen to my moral; + Indulge your wives in every way, + And thus avoid a quarrel. + Pray do your best to settle down, + Nor with the fair ones frisk it; + You might not fare like Doctor B., + It isn't safe to risk it. + For you can see + How very near in trouble was this Doctor B. + +'Is that th' only song tha knows young man?' + +'That's all aw know, Mr. Cheerman.' + +'Why, tak my advice an' forget it as sooin as tha can, +for aw niver heeard a war, an' see if tha cannot find a better. +Nah tha can call for th' next.' + +'Well, aw'll call o' owd Miles, an' if he con do ony better +aw'll pay for th' next gallon.' + +Old Miles stood up, an' crossed his hands i' front an +turned up his een as if he wor gooin to relate his experience +at a prayer-meetin, an' began: + + They may talk of pure love but its fleeting at best; + Let them ridicule gold if they will; + But money's the thing that has long stood the test, + And is longed for and sought after still. + Love must kick the balance against a full purse, + And you'll find if you live to four score, + That whativer your troubles the heaviest curse, + Is to drag on your life and be poor. + + If you sigh after titles and long for high rank, + Let this be your aim night and day, + To increase the small balance you have at your bank, + And to honors' 't will soon point the way. + For you'll find that men bow to the glittering dross, + Whate'er its possessor may be; + And if obstacles rise they will help you across, + If you only can boast L. s. d. + + See that poor man in rags, bending under his load, + He passes unnoticed along: + No one lends him a hand as he goes on his road, + He must toil as he can through the throng. + But if he was wealthy, how many would fly + To assist him and offer the hand; + But he's poor, so they leave him to toil or to die, + That's the rule in this Christian land. + +'Nah, that's summat like a song; aw could lizzen to that all th' neet, +an' aw think yo'll all agree 'at owd fiddle face has lost his gallon. +Nah, lad, does ta hear? Tak to payin.' + +But he didn't hear, for he'd quietly slipped away an' left 'em wi' a +empty pitcher. 'Well, he's a mean owd stick, onyway; but aw'll pay for +it fillin once moor. An' nah, Miles, it's yor turn to call.' + +'Mr. Cheerman, aw'll call o' yor friend for th' next.' + +'A'a, lad,' sed Dick, 'tha should pass by me, for aw niver sang a song +i' mi life, an' awm to old to start, but if yo've noa objections aw'll +give yo a recitation.' + +'Gooid lad, Dick, goa on! Tha'rt gam, aw know.' + + Ov all th' enjoyments' at sweeten man's life, + Ther's nooan can come up to a sweet tempered wife; + An' he must be lonesome, an' have little pleasure, + 'At doesn't possess sich a woman to treasure. + But them 'at expect when they tak hooam a bride, + 'At nowt nobbut sunshine wi' them will abide, + An' think 'at noa sorrow will iver oppress, + They'll find ther mistak aght, yo'll easily guess. + For th' mooast fascinatin an' lovable elves, + Are all on 'em mortal, just th' same as ussels, + An' show tempers 'at sometimes are net ovver pleasant, + They find fault whear ther's room, an' sometimes whear ther isn't, + An' to get there own way, why they'll kiss, coax, or cavil, + They'll smile like an angel, or storm like the devil. + But aw've monny times sed, an' aw say it ageean, + 'At women are ofter i'th' reight nor are th' men, + Just fancy gooin hooam to a bachelor's bed, + All shudderin an' shakkin yo lig daan yor heead. + There's a summat a wantin, 'at fills yo wi' fear, + Yo can turn as yo like, but you find it's not thear, + An' yo freeat an' yo fitter, or weep like a willow; + An' for want o' owt better, mak love to a pillow. + But him 'at's been blessed wi' a wife he can love, + Liggs his heead on her breast pure as snow from above, + An' ther's nubdy could buy it for silver or gold, + An' he wodn't exchange it for Abrahams of old. + An' he falls hard asleep, wi' her arm raand his neck, + An' gets up lik a lark, an' then works like a brick. + +'Nah, friends, aw wish to say a few words befoor aw goa. Awm varry sorry +'at aw brack that drum, but yo see it wor an accident, an' aw've done my +best to mak it up, an' as Dick's recitation maks me think awd better be +gettin hooam, or aw shall happen find it varry warm when aw get thear. +Aw'll nobbut call o' one moor befoor sayin gooid neet, an' that's Mose +Hart. If he's hear aw should like him to try agean; ther's nowt like +perseverance, an' if a chap fails twelve times th' thirteenth may pay +for all.' + +'Mr. Cheerman, Mozart wor deead long befoor yo wor born or thowt on.' + +'Then that chap 'at dug his elbow into my guts tell'd me a lie, for he +sed he'd just made a mess for th' twelfth time when aw come in.' + +Ther wor a crack o' laffin when he sed that, for th' chaps saw his +mistak, an' soa one on 'em went quietly up to him an' explained it. 'O, +then,' he sed, 'if he's deead we may as weel goa hooam, an' all aw've +getten to say is 'at ony time yo chonce to come by awr haase, just luk +in an' aw'll mak yo welcome, an' my owd lass'll mak yo a mess o' some +sooart 'at'll do yo some gooid. Yo'll find it easy, for aw live th' next +door to th' Pig an' Whistle, an' soa aw wish yo all a varry gooid +neet--Come on Dick.' + + + + +Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill Statty. + + +CHAPTER I. + +Th' Hoil-i'th'-Hill Fowld wor a quiet little place; ther wor sixteen +haases altogether, four on each side ov a big square yard, an' a pump +i'th' middle. Th' fowk 'at lived thear had mooast on 'em been born +thear, an' ther'd been soa monny weddin's amang 'em wol they wor all +summat moor or less akin. Niver i'th' memory o'th' oldest on 'em had +ther been ony change i'th' fowld, except nah an' then a bit o' fresh +paint wor put on th' doors an' winders, until one day th' landlord coom +and browt two or three smart lukkin chaps' at begun to messure hear an' +thear, an' all th' wimmen an' th' childer watched' em wi' as mich +anxiety as if they wor gooin to pool all th' haases daan. + +Th' chaps wor all off at ther wark, but when they coom hooam at neet +they wor sooin made acquainted wi' all 'at had gooan on, an' when they'd +getten ther drinkins, one after another walked aght, wol they wor all +met together raand th' pump. + +'What does ta mak on it, Jacob?' sed one o'th' younger end, spaikin to +an owd man wi' a grey heead. 'What does ta think they meean to do?' + +'Nay aw connot tell, unless it's some o' them wrang-heeaded fowk 'at th' +maister wor tawkin abaat, 'at want to start a schooil booard or some +new-fangled noation.' + +'Why, what mak o' schooils is them schooil board consarns?' + +'Aw dooant know, nobbut it's a schooil whear yo send childer to leearn +ther letters, an' they booard 'em at same time.' + +'Why, that's nooan a bad thing if they give 'em owt daycent to ait.' + +'Does ta think they'll have owt at we shalln't have to pay for? Did ta +iver know th' Corporation give owt for nowt? All aw wish is 'at they'd +let us alooan. We've getten on here for aboon fifty year withaat ony o' +ther bother, an' aw could like to finish my bit o' time aght as we are.' + +They all agreed wi' this, an th' wimmen 'at had gethered raand to harken +sed they thowt soa too, an' it ud seem 'em better if they'd luk after +ther own wives an' childer a bit moor, and net come botherin thear. + +When th' bacca wor done, they went back into ther haases, one bi one, +an' went to bed, but ther wor a sooart ov a claad hung ovver 'em all, +and they didn't sleep varry weel. + +Next mornin, as they started off for th' day, they each gave a luk +raand, as if to fix iverything i' ther mind, for fear when they coom +back they'd niver be able to own th' spot. + +Sooin after they'd gooan, a lot o' navvies coom an' started o' diggin. +Wor'nt th' wimmin aght in a crack! 'What are yo baan to do?' they sed. + +'We're gooin to put yo all watter in,' sed th' gaffer, 'soas yo can do +withaat this pump.' + +'We dooant want ony watter puttin in; when we want watter we can fotch +it,--goa abaat yor business!' + +But he tell'd 'em they'd getten orders to do it, an th' landlord had +agreed, soa they went on wi ther wark. + +Nah, th' chap 'at had takken this job to do, hadn't takken it bi th' +day; he'd agreed to do it for soa mich, soa yo may bet he kept' em all +at it, an' it tuk varry little time to dig an' get th' pipes laid; an' +then th' plumbers wor waitin to start, an' iverybody wor as thrang as if +ther lives depended on it bein finished that day,--an' it wor +finished,--an' as sooin as it wor done they set to wark an' pool'd daan +th' owd pump, an' laid some flags ovver th' well, an' went hooam. + +Th' wimmin didn't know whether to be pleased wi' th' new taps or mad +abaat th' loss o'th' pump, an' soa they sed nowt until ther fellies coom +back. It worn't monny minits afoor they began to coom hooam, an' as +sooin as they saw th' pump ligged o'th' graand an' th' well covered up, +they luk'd like--weel, it's noa use me tryin to tell what they luk'd +like, for they luk'd so monny different ways 'at aw should be fast amang +it; but ther worn't one on 'em suited, an' net one 'em had patience to +luk at th' new taps. + +Owd Jacob spit his teah aght ov his maath as sooin as he tasted it. 'Aw +knew ha it ud be,' he sed, 'if iver we lost that pump.' + +'Why, what's th' matter?' sed his dowter. + +'Matter! connot ta taste th' difference between that watter an' th' +watter tha used to get aght o'th' pump?' + +'Why, father,' shoo sed, 'that is pump watter, for aw pump'd it mysen +befoor they pool'd it daan.' + +'Oh, did ta. It wor happen a bit o' bacca aw had i' mi maath. But allus +bear this i' mind, if iver tha gets wed an' should leave this fowld +niver go to live whear ther isn't a pump.' + +After th' drinkin all th' chaps could be seen standin i'th' door hoils, +leeanin agean th' jawm, for they felt lost, an' didn't know whear to +goa. They'd allus been i'th' habit o' getherin raand th' owd pump, an' +it seemed nah as if they couldn't tell whear to stand for th' pump had +acted as cheerman for' em when they had ther argyfyin meetins,--an' a +varry gooid cheerman too. + +At last one on 'em screwed up courage to goa an' luk at th' owd pump +case as it ligged i'th' muk, an' then one an' another joined him, wol it +luk'd for all th' world as if they wor holdin an inquest. + +'That's been a gooid friend to us all,' sed Jacob, 'an' aw dooant like +to see it liggin thear.' + +'Noa, moor do aw,' sed another, 'an' it luks a sooart o' desolate, sin +they tuk th' guts aght.' + +'Aw wish somdy'd tak their guts aght,' sed Levi, 'it ud sarve 'em +reight. But what mun we do wi' it! Th' fowld luks lost withaat it. +Suppooas we put it up agean just to luk at?' + +'Aw propooas we bury it,' sed Jacob, 'an' then raise a monement ovver +it. It desarves one better nor lots 'at get 'em. It wor allus sober, an' +minded its own business, an' niver refused to give owt it had if yo +shook it bi th' hand.' + +'Well, but whear mun we bury it?' sed Jonas. + +'Aw think,' sed Jacob, ''at as it's had a wattery life, it owt to have a +wattery grave. Let's pool them flags up an' drop it into th' well.' + +They all agreed to this, soa it worn't monny minits befoor they had th' +well oppened, an' wor ready to drop it in, but one o'th' women happened +to ax 'who wor gooin to read ovver it.' Nah this had n ver struck nooan +on' em befoor, an' they saw at once 'at it should be attended to. + +'Whear's Elkanah?' sed Jacob. 'He's allus ready wi' a speech, let's see +what he can find to say.' Soa one on 'em whistled, an' Elkanah coom, an' +they tell'd him what they wanted. + +'All reight,' he sed, 'but if yor baan to bury it like that aw think +ther owt to be a burryin drinkin.' + +'That's reight, Kana!' shaated th' wimmin, 'let's have it reight if we +have it at all.' + +'That's my noation,' sed Elkanah, 'an aw'll see what aw con collect +befoor we bury it,--aw'll be a shillin.' + +'Soa will aw,' 'soa will aw,' 'aw'll be another,' an ther wor sooin +thirteen shillin an' sixpence sam'd up. 'Nah, awm ready,' he sed, 'tak +off yor hats, an' handle it gently for its rayther rotten.' They all did +as they wor tell'd, an' havin getten ready Elkanah spake,-- + + 'Into this well soa deep, + We put thee daan to sleep, + Farewell owd pump. + Tho' some may thee despise, + We know tha'rt sure to rise + Up wi' a jump. + 'Tha's sarved thi purpose weel, + An' all thi neighbors feel + Sad at thi fate. + But as tha's had thi day, + This is all we've to say, + Ger aght o'th' gate.' + +After this one on 'em struck up a temperance hymn, an' bi th' time +they'd getten through an' th' owd pump wor sent to its restin place two +o'th' wimmen wor ready wi' a gallon o' rum an' ale mixed, an' they +totted it aght i' pint pots. This didn't go far amang th' lot, soa they +fotched another an another wol ther brass wor done, an' then separated +wi' heavy hearts an' rayther leet heeads an' went to bed, feelin glad to +know 'at they'd done all they could towards payin a fittin tribute to an +owd friend. + + +CHAPTER II. + +Next day wor a gloomy day i'th' Hoil-i'th'-Fowld; whether it wor grief +for th' loss o'th' pump, or th' effects o'th' rum an' ale, aw connot +say, but all th' chaps stopt at hooam, an' it wor ommost dinner time +when they mustered i'th' middle o'th' yard, an' owd Jacob, who'd been +puffin at a empty pipe for a long time, luk'd up an' spake. + +'Lads,' he sed, 'it seems to me 'at this yard will niver luk like itsen +agean, unless we have summat standin up i'th' middle i'th' place ov th' +owd pump; an' aw've been tryin to think what it had better be, but aw +can't mak up mi mind abaat it. What do yo think?' + +'Suppooas we put a tombstun ovver th' pump,' sed Elkanah. + +'Tha wants th' job o' writin th' hepitaf, does ta?' sed Jonas. + +'Well, aw dooant think that ud do, for a tombstun is nobbut a varry +gloomy sooart ov a thing at th' best hand. Nah, what do you say if we +have a statty? Aw think a statty ud look noble an' inspirin like.' + +'Eea, aw think soa too,' sed Simeon, 'but who mun we have a statty on? +Mun it be th' landlord?' + +'Landlord be blow'd! What mun we have a statty o' him for? We see enuff +o' him ivery month when he comes for his rent.' + +'Well, who mun it be?' + +'Aw dooant know 'at it matters mich who it is, for they put up stattys +to onybody nah days, nobbut we mun pick aght somdy 'at gets a daycent +wage, 'coss he'll have to find pairt o'th' brass. Nah, ther's Kana +thear; he isn't baat a two or three paand. Suppooas we put one up to +Kana?' + +'Why, what's Kana iver done 'at he should have a statty?' + +'What difference does that mak? What's lots o' fowk done 'at get +stattys? Worn't his fayther th' bell-man for monny a year? an' didn't +owd Sally his mother, bake the best havvercake 'at yo could get i'th' +district? An' a statty's a statty noa matter who's it is? What says ta +Kana?' + +'Well aw dooant know ha mich it'll cost. What is it to be made on?' + +'Oh, we'll have it made o' wood,--th' pump wor a wooden un, an' Simeon's +a wood turner, an' he'll turn it cheap, willn't ta Simeon?' + +'Aw'll do it as reasonable as aw con. Aw think aw could get up a varry +gooid en for abaat thirty shillin.' + +'Well, aw'll be ten shillin,' sed Kana, 'an' tother can be subscribed +for at a penny a wick a piece.' + +'Why, that's fair enuff, lads, what do yo say?' + +'We'll all agree to that,' sed Jonas, 'but whear mun we put it? May be +'as th' Corporation's taen away th' pump they may want to shift th' +statty.' + +'Corporation be hanged! we'll put it up thear an' let them mell on it +'at dar.' + +'Well' sed Simeon, 'aw'll start it reight away, but aw'st want Kana to +sit aside o'th' lathe wol awm turnin, or else awst niver be able to get +a likeness on him.' + +'Oh, th' likeness matters nowt; tha can paint his name on it an' then +iverybody'll know whose it is.' + +'After a bit moor tawk they sauntered off, some one way an' some +another, an' amused thersens as weel as they could wol bed time, an' +then went to sleep, all except Simeon; he could'nt sleep, for he didn't +like to admit 'at he couldn't turn a statty, an' still he didn't know ha +to start; but he wor bent o' having th' thirty shillin ony way. + +Next mornin he made a beginnin, an' he thowt he'd turn th' body pairt +first, an' he made a varry daycent job on it he thowt, an' when they +ax'd him at neet ha he wor gettin on, he tell'd 'em th' belly piece wor +all reight, an' he'd have it all done bi Setterdy neet; an' he kept his +word, an' when they all coom hooam thear it wor, wi' a gurt bedquilt +ovver it, waitin to be unveiled, an' yo con bet it worn't long befoor +they'd all swallow'd ther drinkin an' wor waitin--all except Kana, he +felt a sooart o' modest abaat it an' had to be fotched aght. + +Jacob wor th' cheerman, an' they maanted him on a peggytub turned upside +daan; but he wor a sooart o' fast what to say, soa he ax'd Simeon. +'Why,' he sed, tha mun praise th' statty, an' say it's a life-like +portrait, an' then tha mun tell all th' gooid things tha knows abaat +Kana.' + +'Why, but aw dooant know nowt varry gooid abaat him, nobbut he can cure +a bit o' bacon dacently.' + +'Niver heed, tha mun say all tha thinks he owt to ha done, it'll do just +as weel.' + +Kana wor wonderin all th' time what he'd have to say, soa he called +Jonas o' one side an' axed him. + +'Oh, thy pairt's easy enuff. Tha mun thank 'em all, an' say it's th' +praadest day o' thi life; but dooant say owt abaat thi own ten shillin, +coss it willn't do for iverybody to know that; an' then as tha's nowt to +booast on thisen, put in a word or two abaat thi father. Owt tha says +obaat thi father is sure to goa daan.' + +'Order! order!' shaated two or three as Jacob gate ready to spaik. +'Feller citizens, an' citizenesses, under this bed quilt is a statty +erected to th' memory of Kana, an' it's put here asteead o'th' pump. You +all know Kana. He's a daycent sooart ov a chap, an' we thowt he owt to +have a statty. At onyrate, we wanted a statty, an' it mud as weel be +Kana's as onybody's else. He's a varry daycent chap, as aw sed befoor, +an' upright--varry upright--as upright--as upright as a yard o' pump +watter. An' aw've noa daat he's honest; aw niver knew him trusted wi' +owt, but varry likely if he wor he'd stick to it. He's a gentleman, th' +bit ther is on him, an' he allus pays his rent. Aw could say a gooid +deeal moor, but th' least sed is th' sooinest mended, an' as yo all want +to see what's under this quilt, aw'll say no moor but show yo at once.' + +Off coom th' quilt, an' ther wor th' statty, but it didn't stand on its +feet, for it wor raised on a powl, an' turned raand like a weathercock. +Worn't ther a shaat when they saw it! Didn't they swing ther hats raand! +Niver mind! + +'Well,' sed Jacob, 'tha's made a gooid job o' that, Simeon; it's as nice +a bit o' wood as aw've seen for a long time, but what made thi have it +to turn raand?' + +'Eea, it's a bit o' nice wood, an' them buttons 'at aw put in for his +een cost me sixpence a-piece. Aw thowt it wor noa use puttin a nooas on, +for tha sees it ud be sure to get brokken off, an' th' reason aw made it +to turn raand is becoss aw thowt it wor hardly fair 'at fowk 'at live o' +one side o' th' fowld should have his face to luk at allus, an' tother +side his back; soa nah we con have it lukkin one way one day an' another +th' next. But whisht! Kana's baan to spaik.' + +'Kind friends, aw just stand up to spaik a few words hopin to find yo +all weel as aw am at present. If onybody had tell'd my fayther 'at his +son wod iver have a statty like that, aw think it wod ha brokken his +heart. This is a praad day for me, an' aw shall niver see this work o' +art withaat thinkin abaat what it cost. My father wor a gooid man, an' +awm his son, an' this is my statty, an' aw thank yo one an' all, soa noa +moor at present, throo yours truly, Elkanah.' + +When he'd done ther wor some moor shaatin, an' then one o'th' wimmen sed +shoo'd a word or two to say. + +'Silence for Mary o' Sarah's!' + +'Me an' tother wimmen has been tawkin it ovver,' shoo sed, 'an' we think +'at if ther wor a gooid strong hook driven in th' top of its heead, 'at +we could fessen a clooas line to, 'at it wod be varry useful, an' we'd +ommost as sooin have it as th' pump.' + +'That's a gooid idea,' sed Simeon, 'aw'll drive one in, for ther's no +brains in it.' + +'Its soa mich moor like Kana,' sed Jonas, but nubdy tuk ony noatice. + +They all kept waitin abaat after th' ceremony wor ovver, expectin 'at +Kana wod ax 'em to have summat to sup at th' heead on it, but he didn't +seem to understand things, soa Simeon went up to him an' whispered. + +'Net another hawpney,' he sed, 'it's cost me enuff.' + +When they heeard this they all turned agean him at once. 'If tha doesn't +stand treat,' sed Jacob, 'we'll rub thi name off an' put on somdy's else +at will.' + +'Yo can put whose yo like on,' sed Kana. + +An' one o'th' wimmen coom wi' a dishclaat an' wiped it off, for shoo sed +'it wor far to handsome a statty for sich a skinflint as him, as +flaysome as it wor.' + +Then Jacob gate on to th' tub agean an' ax'd who'd stand a gallon to +have their name put on, but they all sed they wor hard up an' couldn't +affoord owt, soa thear it stands, an' th' first chap 'at'll pay for a +gallon o' ale con have his name put on whether he's a subscriber or net. + +Ther's a chonce for some o' yo 'at wants a statty. + + + + +Owd Dawdles. + + +Ther's a deeal o' tawkin abaat owd-fashioned kursmisses, an' my belief +is 'at moor nor one hauf 'at tawk or write abaat 'em know nowt but what +they've heeard or read. Aw'm gien to understand 'at a owd-fashioned +kursmiss wor one whear iverything we admire an' think comfortable wor +despised, an' iverything we have a fear on wor sowt after. Awm net sewer +whether ther wor ivver an owd-fashioned kursmiss withaat a snowstorm, +but aw should think net; but as aw have to tell yo what happened one +kursmiss when ther wor nawther frost nor snow, but when th' sun wor +shinin, an' th' fields wor lukkin as fresh an' green as if it wer May +asteead o' December, aw shall be foorced to call this a tale ov a +new-fashioned kursmiss. Kursmiss Day wor passed an' ommost forgotten, +but still th' fowk 'at live i' th' neighborhood o' Bingly or Keighly +nivver think it's ovver until th' new year's getten a start. Abaat a +duzzen sich like had been to Bradforth (as ther wives had been gien to +understand on business, but as yo'd ha fancied if yo'd seen 'em, on +pleasure), an' they'd set off to walk hooam, but they called so oft on +th' way, wol what wi' th' distance an' what wi' th' drink they wor rare +an' fain to rest thersens when they gate to th' Bingley Market Cross. It +wor a grand neet, an' th' mooin wor shinin ommost as breet as if it wor +harvest time; an' as ther purses wor empty an' ther pipes full, they +argyfied it wor a deeal moor sensible to caar thear an' have a quiet +smook nor to waste ther time in a public haase. Th' warst on it is wi' +sich like, 'at they know soa mich abaat one another an' soa little abaat +onybody else 'at it isn't oft 'at when they oppen ther maath owt new +falls aght, an' unless ther's a stranger i' th' company things are apt +to grow varry dull. + +Amang this lot 'at aw'm tellin abaat ther didn't happen to be a +stranger, an' soa th' owd tales wor tell'd ovver agean, an' altho' some +on 'em wor ommost asleep, they allus laft at th' reight spot, for if +they didn't hear a word 'at wor sed, they knew th' time when it owt to +come in. In a bit one on 'em let his pipe tummel an' mashed it all i' +bits, an' as nubdy had one to lend him, an' he'd nowt else to do, he +sed: 'Did any on yo ivver hear tell abaat Owd Dawdles?' + +'Nay,' they sed, 'they didn't know 'at they had.' + +'Why, but he wor a queer owd chap, wor Owd Dawdles, an' they didn't call +him Dawdles for nowt, soa aw'l tell yo summat abaat him wol yo finish +yor bacca. He wor a chap 'at thowt he wor full o' sense, an' th' way he +winked his left e'e after givin vent to one o' his cliver speeches, +showed plain enuff 'at whether it wor satisfactory to other fowk or net, +it wor quite soa to him. But if he hadn't a varry heigh opinion o' th' +fowk he met, yet he worn't withaat pity for 'em, an' he generally ended +up wi' sayin 'at it wor hardly reight to blame 'em for bein short o' wit +when they'd had no orderation on it. But tho' he wor varry liberal wi' +his advice, ther wor nubdy could charge him wi' bein too liberal wi' his +brass, for he'd pairt wi' nowt if he could help it; yet he'd one +waikness in his disposition, an' that wor 'at he couldn't say 'Noa' if +onybody offered to treat him. Fowk wodn't ha thowt mich abaat that if it +hadn't been for him allus draggin in his friend Michael for a share, an' +it wor weel known 'at Michael had nivver existed except in his own +imagination. If ivver he gate ax'd to a supper or a bit ova feed o' ony +sooart, he used to stuff hissen wol he wor foorced to lawse his +wayscoit, an' then if ther wor owt left, he'd say: 'If yo'll excuse me, +ther's a bit thear 'at aw should like to tak for Michael,' an' he used +to fill his pockets wi' th' best o' th' stuff, an' mony a rare blow aght +he gate aght o' what wor supposed to be Michael's share. He used to goa +to Bradforth market two or three times in a wick, an' he allus kept his +een skinned to luk aght for a bargain; an' he didn't care what it wor, +owt throo a cabbage to a cartwheel, if he could turn a penny into +three-awpence. But he didn't allus mak a gooid spec, for strange to say +ther wor other fowk 'at wor quite as wise an' even sharper nor hissen. +One day he bowt a white bull cauf, an' he wor sewer he'd getten it as +cheap as muck, an' happen he had, but haivver cheap yo buy sich a thing, +it's varry likely to cause yo some bother unless yo've somewhear to put +it. It wor a varry weet day, an' throo Bradford to Keighley is a long +walk, but ther wor nowt else for it unless he tuk it with him on th' +train, an' that ud be extra expense, soa he teed a rooap raand its neck +an' they started off. It's an' owd sayin' 'at youth will have its +fling,' an' this cauf wor detarmined to goa in for its share. Th' rooads +worn't i' th' best order, yet they mud ha' managed to wade throo but for +th' cauf seemin' to have a strong desire to find aght if Owd Dawdles +could swim, an' whenivver it coom to a pond or a puddle it gave him a +chonce to try, but like all young caufs it hadn't mich patience, an' th' +way it jurk'd him in an' aght worn't varry pleasant for one on 'em. When +they'd gooan a mile or two Dawdles wor inclined to think it would ha +been cheaper to ha taen it bi rail, to say nowt abaat th' extra comfort. +At ony rate it gave him noa troble to drive it, for it seemed to know +ivvery step o' th' rooad, an' it seem'd a deeal moor like th' cauf +takkin Dawdles nor him takkin th' cauf. He couldn't help but think 'at +it had a deeal moor strength nor sense; but altho' he tried to pity it +'coss it hadn't had th' orderation ov it's own heead, he couldn't help +blamin it for bein soa detarmined to have th' orderation o' th' way +they'd to goa. When they'd getten to th' Bull's Heead he wor ommost +finished, an' he thowt as he'd getten soa weet aghtside he'd better get +a drop in, an' as he made towards th' door th' cauf went an' backed into +th' passage, an' wodn't let him enter a yard. He tried his best to get +it to stir, but all to noa use. Wol he wor tewin with it th' landlord +wor scalin th' foir i' th' kitchen, an' he thowt he heard sumdy makkin a +noise, an' he went to see; an' when he saw Dawdles tryin to pool th' +cauf aght o' th' passage he thowt he'd help him, soa he gave it a prod +behind wi' th' foir point, an' it flew aght o' th' door as if it had +been shot aght ov a cannon, an' its heead happenin to leet i' th' middle +o' Dawdles' wayscoit, he tummeld a backard summerset, an' ligged him +daan i' th' middle o' th' rooad, an' th' cauf laup'd ovver th' wall o' +t'other side an' gallop'd away, whiskin its tail abaat as if it wanted +to cast it. Th' landlord went to see Dawdles. 'What's ta dooin thear?' +he sed. 'Aw'm waitin' wol sumdy comes to help me up,' he sed. Soa th' +landlord helpt him up, an' then sed: 'Come inside an' sit thi daan a +bit.' 'Nay, lad, aw've been i' th' Bull's Heead monny a time, but tha's +ommust sent th' bull's heead into me to-day. Ther's lots o' young caufs +come to yor haase beside yond o' mine, an' yo've a deeal o' bother wi' +'em sometimes aw know, but if yo'll just tickle up wi' th' red wut foir +point aw'll bet yo'll get shut on 'em in as little time as yo did that +o' mine. All aw wish is 'at tha wor th' cauf an' me th' landlord for +five minutes.' + +'Well, tha has dropt in for it pretty rough, an' aw think tha's getten +aboon thi share, tha mun see if tha cannot give a trifle to Michael.' + +Dawdles wodn't answer him, but set off to catch his white bull cauf, an' +after chasin it raand for a whole clock haar he gate hold o' th' rooap +another time, an' they made another start for hooam. It went varry +quietly on nah, an' th' owd chap thowt it ud be a gooid idea, as he wor +soa tired, an' as ther wor nobody abaat, to get astride on it an' have a +ride. Th' thowt had hardly entered his heead befoor it wor put into +practice, but if you could ha seen that cauf yo'd ha been fit to split. +It stood stock still for abaat a minit, an' then it started off, gently +at furst, but it kept gettin faster an' faster, wol at last it gate into +a two up an' two daan gallop, an' Dawdles began to find aght 'at altho' +veal wor a nice tender soft sooart o' mait when it wor deead, it grew on +varry hard booans when it wor wick, an' he wor twice as anxious to get +off an' walk as he had been to get up to ride. He managed to twist th' +rooap raand its heead an' he pooled for his life, but it didn't mak a +bit o' difference. 'Wo up! connot ta?' he sed, 'tha'rt as heeadstrong as +tha'rt strong i'th' heead. If ivver aw have th' orderation o' thee agean +aw'll bet aw tak some o' that nowtiness aght on thee.' He'd hardly +getten th' words aght ov his maath when, as they wor passin some +pighoils 'at stood o' th' roadside, th' cauf made a dash at th' door o' +one 'at wor nobbut just heigh enuff for it get in at, brast it oppen, +gooin in an' strippin off Dawdles, left him sittin i' th' middle o' th' +rooad, wonderin who'd hit him wi a looad o' bricks. Trubbles nivver come +singly, an' to mak matters war aght rushed a lot o' pigs 'at rolled him +ovver an' ovver wol he couldn't tell when he put up his hand whether it +wor on his heead or his hat. Th' furst thing 'at browt him to his senses +wor sumdy shakkin him an' shaatin aght, 'What business has ta to let out +my pigs? Aw'll ha thi lock'd up!' 'Maister! maister! do let me spaik! +Aw've had nowt to do wi' th' orderation o' this mullock, an' if ther's +owt lost aw'll pay for it. Hah mony wor ther? Ther's my bull cauf i' th' +pighoil an' if yo'll tak care on it for a bit aw'll goa an' see if aw +can find th' pigs.' + +Th' chap, thowt that wor fair enuff, soa he let him goa, tellin him ther +wor six on 'em, an' he must find' em all. Owd Dawdles had nivver had +sich a job in his life, it tuk him aboon an haar, an' when he coom back +it wor droppin dark. + +'Well, has ta fun 'em?' + +'Eea, they're all here.' + +'Why, whear did ta find 'em?' + +'Aw fan one together, an' two bi thersen, an' three amang one o' +Amos's.' + +'Well, that's all reight, tak thi cauf an' be off hooam. It luks a varry +nice en; it's just such a one as aw wor intendin to buy.' + +'Yo can have this at yor own price, or aw'll trade wi' yo.' + +'Nay, it luks too quiet for my brass, aw'd rayther ha one 'at's a' bit +life in it.' + +'Well, then, to be honest, aw dooan't think this will suit yo, for aw'm +blessed if aw think ther can be much life left i' this considerin what +it's let aght sin aw bowt it. Gooid neet.' + +'Gooid neet, owd chap. Cannot ta walk i' th' front an' let it suck thi +fingers? It ud be sewer to follow.' + +'Happen it wod; but th' chap aw bowt it on suckt me quite enuff withaat +lettin th' cauf suck me.' + +After that he managed to get hooam wi' it withaat ony moor mishaps. It +wor varry lat, an' all th' family wor i' bed, but he detarmined he +wodn't goa huntin up an' daan for a stable at that time o' neet, soa he +unlocked th' door an' tuk it into th' haase an' teed it fast to th' +wringin machine i' th' back kitchen, an' then he went upstairs to bed. + +'Tha'rt varry lat, Dawdles,' sed his wife, 'has ta ridden or walked?' + +'Aw walked pairt o' th' way.' + +'Has ta browt owt wi' thee?' + +'Eea, aw browt a bit o' mait an' aw've left it daan stairs.' + +He crept into bed as well as he could, an' in a minit he wor asleep. As +th' cauf had had nowt to ait nor drink all th' day it did not feel varry +oomfortable, an' in a bit it went 'B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h!' + + +'Dawdles! Dawdles!' shoo screamed, an' gave him a dig i' th' ribs 'at +made him jump agean. + +'What's th' matter wi' thee?' he sed. + +'Matter enuff! Didn't ta hear yond din? Ther's summat flaysome getten +into th' haase.' + +'Aw heeard noa din; it's thee 'at's been dreeamin.' + +'Dreeamin! Aw've nooan been dreeamin! Ger up an' see what ther is to do! +Thear's a boggard i' th' haase as sewer as aw'm here!' + +'Ne'er heed it! goa to sleep an' it'll nooan mell on thee.' + +'Sleep! Awst sleep nooan! Awst lig wakken o' purpose to listen. A'a! men +havn't a spark o' feelin! Thear, he's snoarin agean.' + +'B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h! B-o-o-o-o-o-o-h!' + +'Dawdles! Dawdles! wakken, lad; do wakken! It's th' dule hissen an' +nubdy else. A'a! whativver mun we do, an' ther hasn't one o' th' childer +been to th' Sunday schooil for a fortnit! Do get up lad, do!' + +'Aw tell thee aw shalln't get up as what it is; but aw hooap if he's +comed for onybody 'at he'll tak thee furst, an' then aw can get a bit o' +sleep.' + +'Tha'rt a brute! an' mi mother allus sed aw should find it aght! But +aw'm baan to have yond childer aght o' bed.' + +Up shoo jumpt an' went to wakken 'em, an' he wor soa worn aght 'at he +dropt off to sleep agean. Sich a hullaballoo as ther wor i' that shop +when all th' eight childer wor up, yo nivver heeard, for th' cauf kept +at it, an' ther worn't one i' th' lot dar goa to see what it wor. At +last they threw up th' chamer winder and skriked wi' all ther might. Th' +neighbours wor up in a crack, an' th' poleese coom runnin to see what +ther wor to do. + +'Ther's a boggard i' th' haase!' they cried aght. 'Do see what it is, +poleeseman, if yo pleeas.' + +But as th' door wor lockt, an' nooan on 'em dar goa daan stairs to oppen +it, ther wor noa way to do but to braik a winder pane, soa th' poleese +smashed one ank stuck his heead an' his lantern in an' lewkt all raand, +but ov coorse he could see nowt. But just as he wor baan to back aght +th' cauf gave another 'B-o-o-h!' Daan dropt his lantern inside, an' away +flew his heead aghtside, an' all th' fowk cluthered raand him an' ax'd +him what he'd seen. + +'Aw've seen nowt,' he sed, 'but aw've heeard summat.' + +One o' th' childer upstairs shaats aght, 'Aw believe it's i'th' back +kitchen.' An' away they all ran raand to see if they could see it thear. +Another poleese had come up, soa he gate his lantern an' held it cloise +to th' winder, an' ther wor sich a skrike an' a skutter as yo nivver +heeard nor saw. Ther wor noa mistak abaat it nah, for they'd all seen +it; them 'at hadn't seen th' een had seen th' horns, an' ther wor one or +two 'at declared they'd seen a tail. Then they held a long confab as to +what they'd better do, an' th' wimmen sed they thowt it wor th' duty o' +th' poleese to goa in an' tak him up whativver he wor; but th' poleese +didn't see it, for, sed one on 'em, 'If he's th' chap aw think he is he +might tak us daan wol we wor tryin to tak him up.' At last a chap says, +'Aw've a gun, let's shooit him.' They all agreed wi' that, an' he went +an' fotched his gun. Ther wor a gooid deeal o' squarin abaat when he +coom back, befoor he could get fair aim; but at last th' poleese gate +his bull's eye on th' bull's eyes. Bang! it went, an' th' boggard +disappeared. Owd Dawdles wor varry saand asleep, but when th' gun went +off he wakkened, an' wonderin what could be to do, he pooled on his +britches an' ran daan stairs an' oppened th' door just as all th' fowk +wor comin raand to try an' get in, for they hadn't a back door. + +'We've peppered him his nut whoivver he is,' sed th' poleese. + +'Peppered whose nut? What docs ta mean?' sed Owd Dawdles. + +'We've shot th' boggard i'th' back kitchen.' + +'Boggard be hang'd! Ther's noa boggard i'th' kitchen. It's nowt, nobbut +a white bull cauf! Hev yo all lost yor wit?' + +Dawdles went to see what wor th' matter an' t'others followed him; but +when they saw what a mistak they'd made, the mooast on 'em slink'd off +for fear they wud hev to pay for some o'th' damage. Dawdles wor ommost +ranty abaat it when he saw it ligged deead, but he said as little as he +could, for his furst thowt wor hah mich brass he could mak on it as it +war. 'Well,' he sed, 'it's deead enuff, soa ther's nowt for it but to +send for a butcher an' hey it killed, for aw knaw it'll be a bit ov as +nice mait as ivver wor etten.' Soa he fotched a butcher an' had it +skinned an' dressed, an' as he lukt at it he thowt it happen wodn't turn +aght so varry bad after all, an' as th' poleese paid for th' winder, an' +th' wife an' th' childer fettled up withaat sayin' a word, he decided to +be as quiet as he could an' mak th' best of his bargain. Th' fact is he +thowt it had nobbut sarved it reight, considerin' what a life it had led +him th' day befoor. After a bit o' braikfast he set off to see if he +could find a customer for it, but th' tale had flown all ovver th' +district, an' whearivver he went he gate soa chaffed abaat it wol he wor +fain to go back hooam. + +'Nah, lass,' he sed to his wife, 'aw've tried all ovver, an' aw cannot +sell a pund o' that cauf, so ther's nowt for it but to set to an ait it, +for aw'm detarmined it shalln't be wasted.' + +'Why, Dawdles, tha knows we can nivver ait it wol it's sweet.' + +'Aw dooan't care whether it's sweet or saar, it'll have to be etten, soa +tha'd better set to an' salt it, for ther isn't another aance o' mait +comes into this haase till that's etten.' + +Shoo did as shoo wor tell'd, an' shoo stew'd th' heead an' made some +cauf-heead broth, an' rare an' nice it wor. Next day they had a rooast, +an' th' childer sed they wished ther fayther'd buy another cauf when +that wor done. It went on varry weel for th' furst wick, but towards th' +end o'th' second they'd rayther ha' seen a boggard walk into th' haase +nor another piece o' that cauf walk on to th' table. But Dawdles wor as +gooid as his word, an' long befoor it wor done he declared it wor th' +cheapest mait he ivver bowt. But aitin soa mich o' one sooart o' stuff +seemed to have a strange-effect o'th' childer, for they fair seem'd to +grow gaumless an' th' hair o' ther heead stood up like a caah toppin, +an' Dawdles hissen wor terrified if one on 'em complained ov a pain i' +ther heead, for fear th' horns should be buddin'. + +'Nah, then, hah long are ta baan to praich,' sed one o'th' chaps 'at had +been lissenin' to this tale, 'does ta know 'at it's ommost twelve +o'clock?' + +'Why, nivver heed! It's th' last day i'th' year, an' we'st all have +halliday to-morn. Aw havn't tell'd yo hauf o'th' queer tricks he's +noated for yet. Did yo ivver hear tell abaat that umbrella o' his 'at he +lost at Bradforth market?' + +'Noa an' we dooan't want to hear ony moor to neet,' they sed, as they +gate up an' knockt th' ash aght o' ther pipes, 'tha's tell'd us quite +enough for a Kursmiss stoary, an' tha mun save th' rest for th' New +Year.' + +Soa they all trudged off to ther hooams to get a warm supper an' let +ther wives sympathise wi' 'em, for havin' to tramp an' tew wol past +twelve o'clock at neet to mak a bit ov a livin' for them 'at wor caar'd +warm an' comfortable at hooam. + + + + +Property Huntin'. + + +Ther's soa monny different sooarts o' fooils 'at it's hard to tell which +is th' warst, an' th' best on us do fooilish things at times. It's varry +fooilish for a young chap at's a paand a wick to live at th' rate o' +twenty-five shillin', for hahivver clivver he may be at figures he'll be +sure to find hissen in a hobble befoor long. Aw once knew a chap they +called "Gentleman Dick:" he wor nobbut a warp dresser, but to see him ov +a neet, when he wor donned up an' walking throo th' streets twirlin' his +cane, yo'd ha' taen him to be a gentleman's son at th' varry leeast. +Fowk 'at knew him sed he had to live o' mail porrige all th' wick, an' a +red yearin for a treeat on a Sunday, to enable him to get new clooas, +an', as it wor, he owed soa monny tailors' bills 'at when he heeard a +knock at th' door he allus had to luk aght o'th' chamer winder to see +who it wor befoor he dar oppen it. But whativver he had to put up wi he +nivver grummeld, an' Setterdy neet an Sundy wor th' time 'at he enjoyed +hissen to his heart's content. One day when he wor aght dooin the grand, +he met wi a young woman i'th' train gooin to Briggus, an' he showed her +soa mich attention wol shoo tuk quite a fancy to him, an' when he ax'd +her if he might see her hooam, shoo blushed an' sed shoo didn't mind if +he did. Shoo wor a varry nice lass an' dressed as grand as yo'd wish to +see an' Dick sed such nice things to her, an' shoo smiled an' luk'd soa +delighted wi him wol he hardly knew what ailed him. When they coom to +some gates leeadin to a varry big hall shoo held aght her hand to bid +him gooid-bye, for shoo sed, 'I'm at home now.' Dick begged hard on her +to promise to meet him agean, an' at last it wor arranged shoo'd see him +next Sundy neet on th' canal bank at Brookfooit. All th' next wick +Dick's mates couldn't tell what to mak on him; he gave ovver singin' +'Slap Bang' an' 'Champagne Charlie,' an' tuk to practisin' 'Gooid-bye, +Sweetheart' an' 'Bonny Jean,' an' whenivver he'd a minit or two to spare +he wor scrapin' his finger nails or twistin' th' two or three hairs 'at +he wor tryin to coax into a mustash. Sundy coom at last, an' what wi +curlin' his hair, an' practisin' all sooarts o' nods an' bows i'th' +front o'th' lukkin'-glass it filled up th' furst pairt o'th' day. He +started off i' gooid time an' wor at th' meetin' place to a minit, an' +shoo worn't long after him. + +It's a gooid job at happiness is short-lived, for if his had lasted long +he'd ha gooan cleean off th' side. Ivvery Sundy neet he tuk her for a +walk, an' what delighted him moor nor all wor to find 'at shoo worn't a +bit stuck up--real ladies nivver are. He gate to know 'at her name wor +Matilda, an' 'at shoo wor nobbut twenty-five year old, an' had two nice +little properties ov her own, an' he tell'd her 'at he had a share in a +big consarn, an' after they'd met an' walked an' tawk'd a few times he +began ta be varry anxious for her to name th' happy day. Shoo made a lot +o' excuses an' sed shoo didn't know what her father 'd say, but Dick +sooin showed her 'at it wor a varry easy thing ta manage it withaht +lettin' him know, an' he begged soa hard wol, after a deeal o' sobbin' +an' gettin' him to sware 'at he'd allus love her as weel as he did just +then, an' 'at come what wod he'd nivver forsake her, shoo gave her +consent. + +When Dick bid her gooid neet an' had watched her in at th' gate, he +couldn't help turnin' raand an' smilin' at th' idea 'at in a few days +he'd be son-in-law to a gentleman 'at lived i' sich a style as that. +Ther wor nowt for it but to be wed bi licence, an' hah to get th' brass +Dick couldn't tell, but at last he detarmined to tell one ov his +shopmates all abaht it, an' ax him to advance him twenty paand, to be +paid back as sooin as he gate th' properties. Th' chap agreed to let him +have it if he'd give him five paand for interest, an' th' bargain wor +sooin struck. Dick lost noa time i' gettin' th' licence, an' they met +one mornin' an' went to th' church, an' wor teed as fast as th' law +o'th' land could do it. He didn't know what shoo'd say when he tuk her +to his hooam, for it wor nobbut a haase an' chamer an' varry little +furnitur, tho' he'd fettled it up an' made it lewk as smart as he could. +They went to a public-haase to ther dinner, an' then they tuk a long +raand abaat way hooam, an' as they kept callin' for a refresher it wor +neet when they landed. + +As sooin as ivver they entered th' door he began to mak all sooarts o' +excuses abaat it bein' humble, but shoo stopt him in a minit, for shoo +sed 'shoo didn't care hah little it wor soa long as shoo wor th' +mistress, for shoo'd getten reight daan stall'd o' sarvice.' 'Why,' he +sed, 'tha knaws nowt abaat sarvice Matilda, dear?' 'Aw should think aw +owt to do,' shoo sed, 'for aw've been i' place ivver sin aw could walk +ommost.' Dick stared like a throttled cat for a minit, for he couldn't +believe his awn ears. 'Aren't ta thi father's dowter?' he sed. 'Why aw +should think soa--whose dowter does ta think aw am?' 'But isn't that thi +father 'at lives i' yond big haase?' 'What are ta tawkin abaat?' shoo +sed, 'why th' chap 'at lives i' that haase is one o'th' richest chaps i' +Briggus--aw wor nobbut th' haasemaid thear--my father lives at +Salterhebble, an' hawks watter cress.' 'Why then, whear did ta get thi +two properties 'at tha tell'd me tha had?' Matilda sat daan in a cheer, +an' covered her face wi her handkertchy, an' began cryin' as if her +heart wor braikin. + +This touched Dick, for he wor ov a tender sooart, an' he did like her +after all, soa he drew his cheer to her side, an' put his arm raand her +waist an' tawk'd pratly to her an' tell'd her shoo shouldn't ha sed shoo +had 'em if shoo hadn't. 'But it's true eniff,' shoo sed; 'aw wish it +worn't, for that's what causes me to have sich an uneasy mind.' 'Why +what's th' reason on it? Is ther some daat as to who's th' reight owner? +Or is ther a morgage on 'em? Give ower freeatin', an if it's a fine day +to-morn we'll goa an' luk at 'em.' 'Ther's noa daat who belangs to 'em; +a woman has 'em aght at nurse at Sowerby Brig.' 'At nurse? At nurse? +What does ta mean? An' is that what tha ment bi thi two properties? +Tha'rt a deceitful gooid-for-nowt! To think 'at aw should wed a woman wi +two childer!' 'Why, tha didn't expect aw should have two elephans, did +ta? But tha needn't let it bother thee mich, for one 'em's a varry +little en.' 'Awst nivver be able to put mi heead aght o'th' door ageean +as long as aw live.' 'Nivver heed, lad, awl stop at hooam an' keep thee +cumpny.' 'Well, but awl tell thee, tha'll be suckt, for aw hevn't a +penny i'th' world, an' awm nowt but a warp dresser, an' cannot addle +aboon two-an'-twenty shillin' a wick, an' awm ovver heead an' heels i' +debt, soa tha'll be capt abaat that!' 'Nay awm nooan capt, coss aw knew +it all monny a wick sin, for aw made it i' mi way to mak a few +enquiries, an' if tha'rt satisfied aw am, an' ther's nubdy else owt to +do wi it.' 'Aw've getten quite enuff to satisfy me, but tha can bet thi +booits if it's ivver my luck to goa coortin ageean, awl mak it i' my way +to mak a few enquiries.' 'Well, it's allus safer but aw dooant think +tha'll ivver have th' chonce for nooan o' awr family dee young, but +here's a two-a-three paand aw've managed to save, an' it'll happen help +to pay some o' thi debts. What time is it? aw feel sleepy.' 'Aw think +it's time to lock up.' Two days after, Dick sell'd up an' they went to +America; he's been thear monny a year nah, an' th' last time aw heeard +on him he'd getten some moor properties. + + + + +Abraham's Sparrib. + + +Old Abraham wor a jolly sooart ov a chap, an' he luk'd like it, for he'd +a face ommost as big as a warmin pan, and it tuk ommost as mich stuff to +mak him a waistcoit as wod mak some chaps a suit o' clooas, an' fowk 'at +knew him varry weel sed he wor as fond ov his guts as he wor praad on +'em. Be that as it may, ther wor seldom a feed onywhear for two or three +miles raand but what Abe wor sure to be thear, an' ther wornt a place +within a day's march, whear they made a gooid meal for little brass, but +what he knew it. When he wor young he wor put 'prentice to a cook-shop, +but befoor he'd been a year th' chap failed, an' when th' bums had +fetched aat all th' bits o' furniture, the maister stood opposite young +Abe, wi tears in his een, an' he sed, 'Abraham, if tha'd been livin when +thi name-sake wor, it wod ha been a bad job for th' Israelities. Awve +tewd hard for monny a year, an' after all, awve nowt to see for it but +thee.' 'Well,' sed Abe, 'its a bitter pill, noa daat, but yo mun swallow +it as weel as yo can.' 'Swallow it! if it wor thee tha mud swallow it, +for tha's swallowed all ther wor, an thart all ther is left for mi +pains.' + +'Well, maister, yo cannot charge me wi ingratitude for awve stuck to yo +to th' last, an if yo like to start another shop, yo'll find me to +depend on.' 'Aw dooant daat thi for a minnit, lad, but to be plain wi' +thi, it'll be noa use me oppenin another shop unless tha shuts thine +up.' Soa they parted, an Abe grew into a man, an wheariver he wor fed he +didn't disgrace his pastur. At th' time awm tellin abaat he worked in a +warehaase wi two or three moor, an' one mornin when th' waggon coom ther +wor a big parcel for Abe, an' one o' thease chaps couldn't do but luk +what wor in it, an' yo may fancy ha suited they wor when they saw a side +o' sparrib. It wor sooin decided to have a lark, an' one o'th' chaps +propooased to send it to th' 'Three Doves,' wi orders to cook it for th' +supper, and to provide puttates &c. for a duzzen. Abe wornt long befoor +he coom, soa one on 'em tell'd him 'at they'd been tawkin abaat having a +bit ov a doo, an' they should be varry glad if he'd join 'em. Abe sed he +had an engagement, but he'd put it off, an' they mud expect him. + +They knew a few chums 'at could enjoy a spree an' soa they invited 'em +to mak up th' number, an' let' em into th' secret. At eight o' clock +they wor all i' ther places, an' in coom a big dish wi' this sparrib +nicely rooasted. Abe wor vooated into th' cheer to cut it up an' deeal +it aat, an' he did it wi' a willin hand. After sarvin 'em all he helped +hissen, an' it began to disappear like magic. Abe thowt he'd niver been +at sich a jolly do in his life, ivery body seemed i' sich gooid spirits, +an' they laft wol he feeared they'd chooak. He wor as jolly as ony on +'em, but he didn't let it interfere wi' his business. Come lads,' he +sed, 'pass up yor plates! let's see if we connot finish it, for awm sure +its grand.' They wornt at all backward at bein helpt a second time, and +rare gooid suppers they made. When th' aitin stuff wor sided, glasses o' +hot punch coom in, for which ivery body paid a share, an' then one o'th' +chaps propooased th' health o'th' gentleman 'at had given em' sich a +treat. Another seconded it an' it wor carried. Abraham called for th' +name, but they sed that wor a secret, but as he didn't get up to +respond, they'd be mich obliged if Abe wod do so for him. Abe wor allus +fond o' makkin a speech, soa he wor up in a minit. 'Gentlemen,' he sed, +'awm glad to see yo,--yo've done justice to what's been provided, an' +awm sure yo're varry welcome.' When he sed this ther wor sich clappin +an' stampin wol he wor foorced to drop it an' sit daan, an' he couldn't +help thinkin 'at noa speech o' his had made sich an impression befoor. + +After gettin warmed up wi punch, he tell'd 'em 'at he expected some +sparrib comin th' next day, an' it had been his intention to mak a bit +ov a doo an' invite 'em all, but as they'd had sich a supper that neet, +he knew they wodn't enjoy another off th' same sooart o' mait, soa he +shouldn't ax 'em. They all sed they'd had enuff for a week, but they +thanked him all th' same, an' after singing 'For he's a jolly gooid +fellow,' they went hooam.--Next day Abraham wor lukkin aght for his +sparrib, but it didn't come, an' day after day he wor disappointed, an +as th' chaps laft ivery time he mentioned it, a thowt began to creep +into his noddle, 'at he'd been done.--He niver grumbled, but he's takken +care to have his parcels 'livered at hooam sin then. + + + + +A Run ovver th' Year. + + +"A gooid beginin maks a gooid endin," fowk say, soa let's mak a gooid +beginnin o'th year. But aw dooant altogether agree wi' thease old +sayins, for aw've known monny a gooid beginnin 'at's come to a fearful +bad endin, an' my advice to ony body 'at's startin owt is, niver crow +till th' finish. Aw once heeard tell ov a young woman at wor a reglar +glaid; one o' them sooart 'at nubdy could do owt wi'; tawk abaat taming +a shrew! why, net all th' shrews in Shrewsbury wor a match for her. But +a chap 'at lived net far off, thowt shoo wor a varry bonny lass, an' he +felt sure he could manage her, soa he went an' made love in his best +fashion, an' ivery time shoo call'd him a nasty offald scamp, he sed he +lov'd hur moor an' moor; soa at last shoo cooil'd daan, an' all things +were made sweet, an' befoor long they gate wed. Ov coorse they'd a few +friends to ther drinkin, an' a bit ov a donce at after, an' then a drop +o' whisky an' hot water, an' when th' husband had getten a glass or two +into him, he began to tell th' cumpany ha he'd tamed hur. 'Why,' he sed, +'aw can do owt aw like wi' her nah, shoo's as gentle as a lamb.' 'If +that's thy noation,' shoo says, 'th' sooiner tha gets shut on it an' th' +better!' Soa shoo made noa moor to do, but gave him a crack ovver th' +nooas wi' her naive, an' in abaat a minit it wor swell'd as big as a +cauf blether. He made a gurt din an' quavered abaat a bit, but it wor +noa use for shoo wor th' maister on him, an' ivver after that he let her +do as shoo liked, for he sed 'nowt suited him as mich as to see her suit +hersen.' But ther wor fowk 'at used to wink an say, 'poor beggar!' + +Th' next comes Valentine's day, an' 'On Valentine's day will a gooid +gooise lay,' is a varry old sayin, an' aw dar say a varry gooid en; an' +if all th' geese wod nobbut lay o' that day ther'd be moor chonce o' +eggs bein cheap. But it isn't th' geese we think on at th' fourteenth o' +this month, it's th' little ducks, an' th' billy dux. A'a aw wish aw'd +all th' brass 'at's spent o' valentines for one year; aw wodn't thank +th' Queen to be mi aunt. Ther's nubdy sends me valentines nah. Aw've +known th' time when they did, but aw'm like a old stage cooach, aw'm +aght o' date. Aw'st niver forget th' furst valentine aw had sent; th +pooastman browt it afoor aw'd getten aght o' bed, an' it happen'd to be +Sunday mornin. Aw read it ovver and ovver agean, an' aw luk'd at th' +directions an' th' pooast mark, but aw cudn't mak aght for mi life who'd +sent it; but whoiver it wor aw wor detarmined to fall i' love wi her as +sooin as aw gate to know. Then aw shov'd it under th' piller an' shut mi +een an' tried to fancy what sooart ov a lass shoo must be, an' someha aw +fell asleep, an' aw dremt,--but aw will'nt tell yo what aw dremt for +fear yo laaf. But when aw wakken'd aw sowt up an' daan, but nowhear +could aw find th' valentine. Aw wor ommost heart-broken, an' aw pool'd +all th' cloas off th' bed an' aw luk'd under it, an' ovver it, but net a +bit on it could aw see, an at last aw began to fancy 'at aw must ha +dremt all th' lot, an' 'at aw'd niver had one sent at all; but when aw +wor gettin' mi breeches on, blow me! if it worn't stuck fast wi a wafer +to mi shirt lap. What her 'at sent it ud a sed if shoo'd seen it, aw +can't tell, an' aw wodn't if aw could; but aw know one thing, aw wor +niver i' sich a muck sweat afoor sin aw wor born, an when aw went to mi +breakfast aw wor soa maddled wol aw couldn't tell which wor th' reight +end o'th' porridge spooin, but aw comforted misen at last wi' thinking +at aw worn't th' furst at had turned ther back ov a valentine. + +Nah, th' vally ov a thing depends oft o'th' use ov a thing; her's an old +sayin 'A peck o' March dust is worth a king's ransom,' but aw should +think 'at th' vally o'th' ransom owt to depend o'th' vally o'th' king. +It's oft capt me ha it is 'at becos one chap is son ov a king, an' +another is son ov a cart-driver, 'at one should be soa mich moor thowt +on nor tother. Noa daat we should all be sons an' dowters o' kings an' +queens if we could, but then ther'd have to be a deal moor kings an' +queens, or else they'd niver be able to keep th' stock up. Net 'at awm +findin fault wi' awr Queen, net aw marry! shoo's done her best noa daat, +an' her childer seem tryin to follow her example. But then, when princes +an' princesses get moor plentyful they'll be less thowt on; it'll be th' +same wi' them as it wor wi' th' umbrellas at one time, for th' chap 'at +had th' furst wor run after wi' ivery body, an' when ther were nobbut +two or three, fowk allus ran to th' winder to have a luk at 'em; but +whoiver runs to luk at umbrellas nah? It wor th' same wi' steam engines, +it's getten th' same wi' velosipeeds, an it'll be th' same wi' princes, +princesses, or owt else, as sooin as they get common, unless they've +summat moor to depend on nor a grand title, fowk ull tak but little +noatice. We cannot all be fine fowk, but we may all be gooid fowk, if we +try, an' a gooid cart-driver ull be better nor a bad king at th' finish. +Rich fowk ha troubles as weel as poor, but ther's noa need for onybody +to be troubled long; for if its summat they can't help its fooilish to +freeat, an' if its summat they can help, why the deuce don't they? + +Its fooilish to freeat, but fowk will freeat sometimes. Well, nivver +heed! 'April shaars bring May flowers,' soa we willn't grumel if we get +catched i' one nah an' then an' get a gooid sooaking, for ther's nowt +i'th' world bonnier nor flaars, even cauliflaars. Ther's lots o' bonny +things i'th' world besides flaars; ther's bonny words, an' if fowk wod +nobbut use 'em we should all get on a deeal better. Aw remember once +bein in a public haase, an' ther wor two chaps sat quietly suppin ther +pints o' fourpenny, when all at once one o' ther wives coom in, an her +een fair blazed when shoo saw him. 'O, soa tha'rt here are ta?' shoo +began, 'soa this is th' way th' brass gooas is it! tha nasty +gooid-for-nowt! Aw could like to smash thi face! sittin thear throo morn +to neet sossin like a pig, an' leavin me an' th' childer to do as we +con! Ha con ta fashion? Tha desarves teein to a cart tail an' hidin' +throo th' streets, tha low-lived villain! All th' time shoo wor talkin +shoo wor shakin her neive in his face, an' when he could edge in a word +he sed. 'Aw'l tell thee what it is, this is nobbut mi third pint to-day, +an' aw wor just commin hooam, but tha can hook it, for aw shall come +when aw'm ready, an net before, an' that will'nt be yet a bit.' Just wol +they wor fratchin tother chap's wife coom seekin him, an' as sooin as +shoo saw him shoo smiled an' sed, 'O, aw've fun thi, come lad, aw want +thee at hooam, awr little Jack has getten his new clogs on an' he +will'nt let me put him to bed till tha's seen 'em, tha'll be like to +come.' 'Howd a minit,' he sed, as he emptied his pint, then he went away +wi' her. Tother stopt. Soa mich for kindness. + +An' ther's moor ways nor one o' bein kind. Nah, yo've oft heeard fowk +say, 'Niver cast a claot till May goas aght.' That's all varry gooid as +far as regards top coits an' flannel shirts an sich like. But ther's +another thing, its just abaat th' time for fowk to get new clooas an' +throw off th' old ens; an' aw've a word or two to say abaat that, for +ther's some poor fowk aw see sometimes 'at cannot cast a claot; th' fact +is, they've nowt else to put on. Ha monny scoor fowk do we meet as we +walk abaat, 'ats hardly a rag to ther back, or aw should say they've +nowt but rags, an' that's what prevents 'em havin a chonce to addle +brass to buy ony fresh ens. Ha monny have to creep aght o'th' seet, into +ony sooart ov a low hoil, mix up wi bad compny,--first pine, then beg, +then stail--an' all this becoss they've had th' misfortun to be ragged. +If ther's one thing moor nor another 'at fowk mak a mistak in, it's +_sellin_ ther old clooas. Some may say they can't affoord to give 'em: +Then aw say, wear 'em a bit longer till yo can; ther'll somdy be +thankful for 'em after then. Ivery body can affoord to be charitable to +a certain extent, an' ther's noa charity does as mich gooid wi as little +cost as givin yor old clooas. Luk what comfort yo give a chap; then as +sooin as he sees his sen luk respectable, he begins to want to be soa, +he feels to have moor pluck, he doesn't hing daan his heead, he's a +better chonce to win a honest livin, an' yo may safely think yo've gien +a chap a lift on his way, when yo've gien him yor old clooas. + +'If the 8th of June is a rainy day, it foretells a wet harvest, so men +say,' but whether it does or it doesn't aw cannot tell: if it does we +mun mak th' best on it, that's all; but we've one bit o' comfort left +even then, for its sure to be fair at Halifax o'th' 24th. It's grand to +goa to th' Fair an' see fowk starin at th' pictures; an' its cappin to +harken to th' show fowk shaatin an' bawlin an' tellin all sooarts o' +tales to draw th' brass aght o' yor pockets. Then ther's th' swingin +booats, them's for cooarters: they're a grand institution for young +fowk, for if a chap can get his young woman to get in, he's sure of a +chonce to get his arm raand her waist, an' give her a bit of a squeeze. +Then ther's th' flyin' horses, whear a chap can get made mazy for a +penny: wheniver aw see 'em they allus remind me ov a chap aw knew; he +stood abaat six foot two in his stockin feet, an' weighed abaat six +stooan an' a hauf; an' one day he'd been poorly a bit, soa he thowt he'd +ax a friend 'at had a donkey if he'd lend it him. 'Tha can have it an' +welcome,' th' chap said, 'but aw'm feeard thi legs is too long.' 'Oh +ne'er heed that,' he sed, 'if aw find 'em to trail aw'l hold 'em up.' +Soa he gate it, an as he wor varry leet they went on nicely for a bit, +but just as he wor comin on Charlestaan, a chap stopt him to ax him what +they called that old church, soa he dropt daan his feet on to'th floor +and began to explain an' as sooin as he'd done that, th' donkey walked +away leavin him thear striddlin like a clooas peg. As sooin as he'd +finished he sed 'gie up!' an he thowt o' sittin daan; an' he did, but it +wor soa mich lower daan wol he thowt his back wor brokken; when he luk'd +raand he saw Neddy trottin up th' Haley Hill. 'Tha's tow't me a lesson,' +he sed, 'an' for th' futur, as long as iver aw can do for misen, aw'l +niver seek onybody's ass istance. + +Ther's nowt like bein independent, an mooast fowk have a chonce if +they'll nobbut 'mak hay wol th' sun shines,' an' if yo dooant mak it +then yo'll niver be able to mak it at ony other time. If yo want to mak +love, yo can mak that when th' mooin shines, but it will'nt do for hay. +Aw remember a queer tale 'at they used to tell ov a chap 'at had some +strange nooations, an' allus thowt his own way best. An' one day as some +chaps were gooin past his farm, they saw him runnin up an' daan i' th' +front o' th' lathe, wi' a empty wheelbarro, and then rush in, an' upset +it, and aght agean. 'Why,' says one, 'aw'm sure Ike must be crack'd, +whativer can he be dooin?' Soa they went to ax him. 'What's up nah Ike?' +said one, 'tha'll kill thisen if tha gooas on like that, are ta trainin +for a match or summat?' 'Yo dooant know,' sed Ike, 'but aw'l let yo into +a saycret; yo see aw'd getten all th' grass cut yesterday, an' aw +fancied it wor baan to rain, soa aw haased it just green as it wor, an' +nah aw'm wheelin sunshine in to dry it wi.' 'Well, tha'rt a bigger fooil +nor aw tuk thi for! Does ta think tha can wheel sunshine into th' lathe, +same as horse-muck?' 'Thee mind thi own business,' says Ike, 'aw should +think aw've lived long enuff to know what aw'm dooin, an' when aw want +taichin aw'll send for thee.' Soa they left him to his wheelin, but ha +long he kept at it they didn't know, but in a few days they saw him +agean an' axed him ha he fan his system to answer? An' he says 'Why, aw +dooant get on varry weel, but it is'nt th' fault o' th' system, th' fact +is, aw connot do it till aw get a bigger barro. But he wod'nt give in. +An' ther's lots o' th' same sooart. + +Perseverance is a grand thing. If it wornt for tewin, an' sewin, an' +plowin whear wod th' harvest be? An ther's noa greater blessin nor a +gooid harvest. Ther's a deal o' fowk have a harvest abaat this time. +Flaar shows reap a benefit if th' weather be fine. Ther's nowt aw like +better nor to goa to a flaar show, moor especially sich as th' Haley +Hill, Ovenden, Siddal, or Elland, or ony other, whear th' mooast o' th' +stuff has been grown bi workin fowk. Th' plants may'nt be as bonny, but +they luk bonnier to me, an' they tell a tale 'at yo cannot mistak. Ha +monny haars' enjoyment have they gien to th' fowk 'ats growin 'em? An' +ha oft have they kept chaps aght o' th' alehaase? An' then see ha praad +prize winners are! Aw allus feel sooary 'at they cannot all win th' +furst prize, for aw'm sure they desarve it for ther trouble. An' if yo +nooatice, yo're sure to see a nice cheerful woman or two, stood cloise +aside o'th' plants 'at's wun owt, an' if yo wait a bit yo'll see her +ivery nah an' then, touch somdy o'th' elbow as they're gooin past, an' +point at th' ticket an' say, 'sithee, them's awr's!' 'What them 'at's +won th' prize?' 'Eea.' 'Why they're grand uns!' An' then shoo'l whisper +in her ear, 'Ther's nubdy can touch aw'r Simon 'at growin thease, tha +sees he understands it.' A'a Simon! shoo's a deeal o' faith i' thee, an' +if tha's made muck wi thi clogs sometimes when tha's trailed in withaat +wipin thi feet, shoo forgives thi nah. Wimmen's varry soft after all an' +its as weel it is soa, for ther's monny a gooid harvest a' happiness +been gethered in at wod ha been lost but for a soft word or two. + +Another old sayin', 'September blow soft, till the fruit's i'th' loft,' +for if strong winds blow nah it'll spoil all th' apples an' stuff, an' +it'll be soa mich war for fowk 'at has to addle ther livin for whativer +else fowk differ abaat, aw think they're all agreed o' one point, an' +that is, ther's noa livin long withaat aitin. But it's hard wark gettin +a livin nah days, an' them 'at's comfortably off owt to be thankful. But +it's cappin i' what queer ways some fowk do get a livin! Aw knew a chap +once 'at stood abaat seven feet, an' he wor soa small he luk'd like a +walkin clooas prop. Talk abaat skin and grief! aw niver did see sich a +chap, an' his face luk'd to be all teeth an' een. He used to waive a bit +at one time, but he gate seck'd becos his maister catched him asleep in +a stove pipe. But one day he wor wanderin abaat, an' wonderin ha to get +a livin, an' in a bit a chap comes up to him, an' says, 'Does ta want a +job?' 'Aw do that, can yo find me one, maister?' he sed. 'Well,' says +th' chap, 'tha'rt just th' lad 'at aw want if tha'll goa, for aw keep a +druggist's shop at Sowerby Brig, an' if tha'll stand i'th' winder an' +flay fowk into fits as they goa past, aw'll gie thee a paand a wick.' +'It's a bargain,' he sed, 'an' he went wi' him, an' aw've been tell'd +'at that druggist made a fortun i' twelve months wi nowt but sellin fit +physic. Whether that's true or net aw will'nt say, but aw'm sure ther's +some fowk at Sowerby Brig 'at dooant seem altogether reight even yet. + +An' its hardly to be wondered at, for one hauf o'th' fowk we meet i'th' +streets on a neet, seem to be druffen. Aw hear some queer tales +sometimes, but aw dooant tell all aw know. 'Ale sellers shouldn't be +tale tellers.' But aw'm sooary to say at th' mooast ale sellers at' aw +know are varry fond o' taletellin. Ther's nowt shows a chap's littleness +as mich as to be allus talkin abaat his own or somdy else's private +affairs; an' ther's nowt likely to produce moor bother nor that system +o' tittle tattlin abaat other fowk's consarns. Ther's a deal o' blame +ligg'd o' th' wimmen sometimes, for gossipin ovver a sup o' rum an' tea: +an' noa daat its true enuff, but aw think some o' th' men hav'nt mich +room to talk, for they gossip as mich ovver ther ale as ivver wimmen do +ovver ther tea. Little things 'at's sed in a thowtless way sometimes +cause noa end o' bother, an' it's as weel to be careful for ther's +trouble enuff. A chap an' his wife 'at lived neighbors to me, had a word +or two one neet, an' soa shoo went up stairs to sulk; an' when he sat +daan to his supper he thowt he'd have her on a bit, soa he cut all th' +mait off a booan, an' then he sed to' his oldest lass. 'Here, Mary! Tak +this up stairs to thi mother an' tell her 'at thi father has sent her a +booan to pick.' Th' lass tuk it up to her mother an' tell'd her 'at her +father'd sent it, an' as sooin as shoo saw it, shoo says, 'Tak it him +back, an' tell him 'at he isn't thi father, an' that'll be a booan for +him to pick.'--An' it wor an' all, an' it's stuck in his throit to this +day, soa yo see what bother that's caused. + +It's nivver wise to be rackless naythur i' word nor deed, for whativver +yo plot an plan agean other fowk it's ommost sewer to roll back on +yorsens an' trap yor tooas if it does nowt else; 'Fowk 'at laik wi' fire +mun expect a burn.' An soa all yo 'at intend to keep up Gunpaader plot +munnot grummel if yo get warmed a bit. But gunpaader plot isn't th' only +plot 'at gets browt to a finish this month; ther's lots o' plottin an' +planin besides that. Ther's monny a chap 'at's been langin for a year or +two to be made a taan caancillor 'at's been havin all his friends to +ther supper, an' 'at for th' last month or two has been stoppin fowk 'at +he's met, an' shakin hands wi 'em, an' axin all abaat ha ther wives an' +childer are gettin on, tho' he's passed th' same fowk monny a hundred +times befoor an' nivver spokken to 'em at all. It's all plottin. A'a +this little bit o' pride! A'a this desire to be summat thowt on! Aw +dooant know ha we should get on withaat it! Ther's a gooid deeal o' +califudge i'th' world after all, but aw dooant think it does mich harm, +for mooast fowk can see throo it. But it allus maks me smile when aw goa +to a ward meetin, an' hear furst one an' then another get up an' thank a +caancillor for dooin soa mich for 'em, an' prayin 'at he'll suffer +hissen to be re-elected; when at th' same time they know 'at he's ready +to fall ov his knees to beg on 'em to send him agean. Well, aw dooant +know why a chap shouldn't be thanked for dooin that 'at's a pleasure to +hissen an' a benefit to others! It's nobbut th' same as me writin this, +it suits me to write it, an' it suits others to read it, yet aw think +aw'm entitled to some thanks after all. + +But one munnot expect to get all they're entitled to, an' its a jolly +gooid job we dooant, for if we did ther'd be a lot on us 'at ud have to +be burried at th' public expense. We're nooan on us too gooid, but 'It's +niver too late to mend,' an' it's niver too sooin to begin, soa nah 'at +we've getten to th' end ov another year, let us carefully reckon up an +see ha we stand. Aw fancy we shall all find 'at ther's lots o' room for +improvement yet, an' ther's nowt at yo can do 'at's likely to give yo +moor satisfaction nor to detarmine to do better for th' future. A chap's +allus awther better or war at th' end o'th' year nor what he wor at th' +beginnin, an aw'm sure iverybody'll feel pleased to know at they're all +o'th' mendin hand. It's a pity to think ivery time Christmas comes raand +'at ther's soa mony fowk 'at will'nt be able to have a merry un. Aw'm +sooary it is soa, an' aw wod help it if aw could. Ther's nubdy enjoys a +bit ov a spree better nor aw do, but ther's one thing aw dooant like, an +that is to be pestered off my life booath at hooam an abroad wi fowk +commin an sayin, 'Aw wish yo a merry Christmas an' a happy New Year,' +when all th' time aw know weel enuff they wish nowt at sooart, but just +come for what they can get. Nah if sich-like wod nobbut come an' say +plain aght, 'we come to see what yo'll give us, an' we dooant care a +button whether yo've a merry Christmas or net,' why, then yo'd know what +to mak on 'em. Ony body at's ony gooid wishes to give, let 'em give 'em, +but aw'm blow'd if aw care to buy' em, becoss they arn't genuine at's to +sell. Th' price may be low enuff--a glass o' whisky or a shillin, but +unless they come free gratis, for nowt, aw'd rather net be bothered wi' +'em. Shoolers, please tak nooatice. + + + + + + +End of the Project Gutenberg EBook of Yorksher Puddin', by John Hartley + +*** END OF THIS PROJECT GUTENBERG EBOOK YORKSHER PUDDIN' *** + +***** This file should be named 18175.txt or 18175.zip ***** +This and all associated files of various formats will be found in: + http://www.gutenberg.org/1/8/1/7/18175/ + +Produced by David Fawthrop and Alison Bush + +Updated editions will replace the previous one--the old editions +will be renamed. + +Creating the works from public domain print editions means that no +one owns a United States copyright in these works, so the Foundation +(and you!) can copy and distribute it in the United States without +permission and without paying copyright royalties. Special rules, +set forth in the General Terms of Use part of this license, apply to +copying and distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works to +protect the PROJECT GUTENBERG-tm concept and trademark. Project +Gutenberg is a registered trademark, and may not be used if you +charge for the eBooks, unless you receive specific permission. If you +do not charge anything for copies of this eBook, complying with the +rules is very easy. You may use this eBook for nearly any purpose +such as creation of derivative works, reports, performances and +research. They may be modified and printed and given away--you may do +practically ANYTHING with public domain eBooks. Redistribution is +subject to the trademark license, especially commercial +redistribution. + + + +*** START: FULL LICENSE *** + +THE FULL PROJECT GUTENBERG LICENSE +PLEASE READ THIS BEFORE YOU DISTRIBUTE OR USE THIS WORK + +To protect the Project Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting the free +distribution of electronic works, by using or distributing this work +(or any other work associated in any way with the phrase "Project +Gutenberg"), you agree to comply with all the terms of the Full Project +Gutenberg-tm License (available with this file or online at +http://gutenberg.org/license). + + +Section 1. General Terms of Use and Redistributing Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic works + +1.A. By reading or using any part of this Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work, you indicate that you have read, understand, agree to +and accept all the terms of this license and intellectual property +(trademark/copyright) agreement. If you do not agree to abide by all +the terms of this agreement, you must cease using and return or destroy +all copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in your possession. +If you paid a fee for obtaining a copy of or access to a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work and you do not agree to be bound by the +terms of this agreement, you may obtain a refund from the person or +entity to whom you paid the fee as set forth in paragraph 1.E.8. + +1.B. "Project Gutenberg" is a registered trademark. It may only be +used on or associated in any way with an electronic work by people who +agree to be bound by the terms of this agreement. There are a few +things that you can do with most Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works +even without complying with the full terms of this agreement. See +paragraph 1.C below. There are a lot of things you can do with Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works if you follow the terms of this agreement +and help preserve free future access to Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. See paragraph 1.E below. + +1.C. The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation ("the Foundation" +or PGLAF), owns a compilation copyright in the collection of Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic works. Nearly all the individual works in the +collection are in the public domain in the United States. If an +individual work is in the public domain in the United States and you are +located in the United States, we do not claim a right to prevent you from +copying, distributing, performing, displaying or creating derivative +works based on the work as long as all references to Project Gutenberg +are removed. Of course, we hope that you will support the Project +Gutenberg-tm mission of promoting free access to electronic works by +freely sharing Project Gutenberg-tm works in compliance with the terms of +this agreement for keeping the Project Gutenberg-tm name associated with +the work. You can easily comply with the terms of this agreement by +keeping this work in the same format with its attached full Project +Gutenberg-tm License when you share it without charge with others. + +1.D. The copyright laws of the place where you are located also govern +what you can do with this work. Copyright laws in most countries are in +a constant state of change. If you are outside the United States, check +the laws of your country in addition to the terms of this agreement +before downloading, copying, displaying, performing, distributing or +creating derivative works based on this work or any other Project +Gutenberg-tm work. The Foundation makes no representations concerning +the copyright status of any work in any country outside the United +States. + +1.E. Unless you have removed all references to Project Gutenberg: + +1.E.1. The following sentence, with active links to, or other immediate +access to, the full Project Gutenberg-tm License must appear prominently +whenever any copy of a Project Gutenberg-tm work (any work on which the +phrase "Project Gutenberg" appears, or with which the phrase "Project +Gutenberg" is associated) is accessed, displayed, performed, viewed, +copied or distributed: + +This eBook is for the use of anyone anywhere at no cost and with +almost no restrictions whatsoever. You may copy it, give it away or +re-use it under the terms of the Project Gutenberg License included +with this eBook or online at www.gutenberg.org + +1.E.2. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is derived +from the public domain (does not contain a notice indicating that it is +posted with permission of the copyright holder), the work can be copied +and distributed to anyone in the United States without paying any fees +or charges. If you are redistributing or providing access to a work +with the phrase "Project Gutenberg" associated with or appearing on the +work, you must comply either with the requirements of paragraphs 1.E.1 +through 1.E.7 or obtain permission for the use of the work and the +Project Gutenberg-tm trademark as set forth in paragraphs 1.E.8 or +1.E.9. + +1.E.3. If an individual Project Gutenberg-tm electronic work is posted +with the permission of the copyright holder, your use and distribution +must comply with both paragraphs 1.E.1 through 1.E.7 and any additional +terms imposed by the copyright holder. Additional terms will be linked +to the Project Gutenberg-tm License for all works posted with the +permission of the copyright holder found at the beginning of this work. + +1.E.4. Do not unlink or detach or remove the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License terms from this work, or any files containing a part of this +work or any other work associated with Project Gutenberg-tm. + +1.E.5. Do not copy, display, perform, distribute or redistribute this +electronic work, or any part of this electronic work, without +prominently displaying the sentence set forth in paragraph 1.E.1 with +active links or immediate access to the full terms of the Project +Gutenberg-tm License. + +1.E.6. You may convert to and distribute this work in any binary, +compressed, marked up, nonproprietary or proprietary form, including any +word processing or hypertext form. However, if you provide access to or +distribute copies of a Project Gutenberg-tm work in a format other than +"Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other format used in the official version +posted on the official Project Gutenberg-tm web site (www.gutenberg.org), +you must, at no additional cost, fee or expense to the user, provide a +copy, a means of exporting a copy, or a means of obtaining a copy upon +request, of the work in its original "Plain Vanilla ASCII" or other +form. Any alternate format must include the full Project Gutenberg-tm +License as specified in paragraph 1.E.1. + +1.E.7. Do not charge a fee for access to, viewing, displaying, +performing, copying or distributing any Project Gutenberg-tm works +unless you comply with paragraph 1.E.8 or 1.E.9. + +1.E.8. You may charge a reasonable fee for copies of or providing +access to or distributing Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works provided +that + +- You pay a royalty fee of 20% of the gross profits you derive from + the use of Project Gutenberg-tm works calculated using the method + you already use to calculate your applicable taxes. The fee is + owed to the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark, but he + has agreed to donate royalties under this paragraph to the + Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation. Royalty payments + must be paid within 60 days following each date on which you + prepare (or are legally required to prepare) your periodic tax + returns. Royalty payments should be clearly marked as such and + sent to the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation at the + address specified in Section 4, "Information about donations to + the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation." + +- You provide a full refund of any money paid by a user who notifies + you in writing (or by e-mail) within 30 days of receipt that s/he + does not agree to the terms of the full Project Gutenberg-tm + License. You must require such a user to return or + destroy all copies of the works possessed in a physical medium + and discontinue all use of and all access to other copies of + Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +- You provide, in accordance with paragraph 1.F.3, a full refund of any + money paid for a work or a replacement copy, if a defect in the + electronic work is discovered and reported to you within 90 days + of receipt of the work. + +- You comply with all other terms of this agreement for free + distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm works. + +1.E.9. If you wish to charge a fee or distribute a Project Gutenberg-tm +electronic work or group of works on different terms than are set +forth in this agreement, you must obtain permission in writing from +both the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation and Michael +Hart, the owner of the Project Gutenberg-tm trademark. Contact the +Foundation as set forth in Section 3 below. + +1.F. + +1.F.1. Project Gutenberg volunteers and employees expend considerable +effort to identify, do copyright research on, transcribe and proofread +public domain works in creating the Project Gutenberg-tm +collection. Despite these efforts, Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works, and the medium on which they may be stored, may contain +"Defects," such as, but not limited to, incomplete, inaccurate or +corrupt data, transcription errors, a copyright or other intellectual +property infringement, a defective or damaged disk or other medium, a +computer virus, or computer codes that damage or cannot be read by +your equipment. + +1.F.2. LIMITED WARRANTY, DISCLAIMER OF DAMAGES - Except for the "Right +of Replacement or Refund" described in paragraph 1.F.3, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation, the owner of the Project +Gutenberg-tm trademark, and any other party distributing a Project +Gutenberg-tm electronic work under this agreement, disclaim all +liability to you for damages, costs and expenses, including legal +fees. YOU AGREE THAT YOU HAVE NO REMEDIES FOR NEGLIGENCE, STRICT +LIABILITY, BREACH OF WARRANTY OR BREACH OF CONTRACT EXCEPT THOSE +PROVIDED IN PARAGRAPH F3. YOU AGREE THAT THE FOUNDATION, THE +TRADEMARK OWNER, AND ANY DISTRIBUTOR UNDER THIS AGREEMENT WILL NOT BE +LIABLE TO YOU FOR ACTUAL, DIRECT, INDIRECT, CONSEQUENTIAL, PUNITIVE OR +INCIDENTAL DAMAGES EVEN IF YOU GIVE NOTICE OF THE POSSIBILITY OF SUCH +DAMAGE. + +1.F.3. LIMITED RIGHT OF REPLACEMENT OR REFUND - If you discover a +defect in this electronic work within 90 days of receiving it, you can +receive a refund of the money (if any) you paid for it by sending a +written explanation to the person you received the work from. If you +received the work on a physical medium, you must return the medium with +your written explanation. The person or entity that provided you with +the defective work may elect to provide a replacement copy in lieu of a +refund. If you received the work electronically, the person or entity +providing it to you may choose to give you a second opportunity to +receive the work electronically in lieu of a refund. If the second copy +is also defective, you may demand a refund in writing without further +opportunities to fix the problem. + +1.F.4. Except for the limited right of replacement or refund set forth +in paragraph 1.F.3, this work is provided to you 'AS-IS', WITH NO OTHER +WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING BUT NOT LIMITED TO +WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTIBILITY OR FITNESS FOR ANY PURPOSE. + +1.F.5. Some states do not allow disclaimers of certain implied +warranties or the exclusion or limitation of certain types of damages. +If any disclaimer or limitation set forth in this agreement violates the +law of the state applicable to this agreement, the agreement shall be +interpreted to make the maximum disclaimer or limitation permitted by +the applicable state law. The invalidity or unenforceability of any +provision of this agreement shall not void the remaining provisions. + +1.F.6. INDEMNITY - You agree to indemnify and hold the Foundation, the +trademark owner, any agent or employee of the Foundation, anyone +providing copies of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works in accordance +with this agreement, and any volunteers associated with the production, +promotion and distribution of Project Gutenberg-tm electronic works, +harmless from all liability, costs and expenses, including legal fees, +that arise directly or indirectly from any of the following which you do +or cause to occur: (a) distribution of this or any Project Gutenberg-tm +work, (b) alteration, modification, or additions or deletions to any +Project Gutenberg-tm work, and (c) any Defect you cause. + + +Section 2. Information about the Mission of Project Gutenberg-tm + +Project Gutenberg-tm is synonymous with the free distribution of +electronic works in formats readable by the widest variety of computers +including obsolete, old, middle-aged and new computers. It exists +because of the efforts of hundreds of volunteers and donations from +people in all walks of life. + +Volunteers and financial support to provide volunteers with the +assistance they need, is critical to reaching Project Gutenberg-tm's +goals and ensuring that the Project Gutenberg-tm collection will +remain freely available for generations to come. In 2001, the Project +Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation was created to provide a secure +and permanent future for Project Gutenberg-tm and future generations. +To learn more about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation +and how your efforts and donations can help, see Sections 3 and 4 +and the Foundation web page at http://www.pglaf.org. + + +Section 3. Information about the Project Gutenberg Literary Archive +Foundation + +The Project Gutenberg Literary Archive Foundation is a non profit +501(c)(3) educational corporation organized under the laws of the +state of Mississippi and granted tax exempt status by the Internal +Revenue Service. The Foundation's EIN or federal tax identification +number is 64-6221541. Its 501(c)(3) letter is posted at +http://pglaf.org/fundraising. Contributions to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation are tax deductible to the full extent +permitted by U.S. federal laws and your state's laws. + +The Foundation's principal office is located at 4557 Melan Dr. S. +Fairbanks, AK, 99712., but its volunteers and employees are scattered +throughout numerous locations. Its business office is located at +809 North 1500 West, Salt Lake City, UT 84116, (801) 596-1887, email +business@pglaf.org. Email contact links and up to date contact +information can be found at the Foundation's web site and official +page at http://pglaf.org + +For additional contact information: + Dr. Gregory B. Newby + Chief Executive and Director + gbnewby@pglaf.org + +Section 4. Information about Donations to the Project Gutenberg +Literary Archive Foundation + +Project Gutenberg-tm depends upon and cannot survive without wide +spread public support and donations to carry out its mission of +increasing the number of public domain and licensed works that can be +freely distributed in machine readable form accessible by the widest +array of equipment including outdated equipment. Many small donations +($1 to $5,000) are particularly important to maintaining tax exempt +status with the IRS. + +The Foundation is committed to complying with the laws regulating +charities and charitable donations in all 50 states of the United +States. Compliance requirements are not uniform and it takes a +considerable effort, much paperwork and many fees to meet and keep up +with these requirements. We do not solicit donations in locations +where we have not received written confirmation of compliance. To +SEND DONATIONS or determine the status of compliance for any +particular state visit http://pglaf.org + +While we cannot and do not solicit contributions from states where we +have not met the solicitation requirements, we know of no prohibition +against accepting unsolicited donations from donors in such states who +approach us with offers to donate. + +International donations are gratefully accepted, but we cannot make +any statements concerning tax treatment of donations received from +outside the United States. U.S. laws alone swamp our small staff. + +Please check the Project Gutenberg Web pages for current donation +methods and addresses. Donations are accepted in a number of other +ways including checks, online payments and credit card +donations. To donate, please visit: http://pglaf.org/donate + + +Section 5. General Information About Project Gutenberg-tm electronic +works. + +Professor Michael S. Hart is the originator of the Project Gutenberg-tm +concept of a library of electronic works that could be freely shared +with anyone. For thirty years, he produced and distributed Project +Gutenberg-tm eBooks with only a loose network of volunteer support. + +Project Gutenberg-tm eBooks are often created from several printed +editions, all of which are confirmed as Public Domain in the U.S. +unless a copyright notice is included. Thus, we do not necessarily +keep eBooks in compliance with any particular paper edition. + +Most people start at our Web site which has the main PG search facility: + + http://www.gutenberg.org + +This Web site includes information about Project Gutenberg-tm, +including how to make donations to the Project Gutenberg Literary +Archive Foundation, how to help produce our new eBooks, and how to +subscribe to our email newsletter to hear about new eBooks. + +*** END: FULL LICENSE *** + diff --git a/18175.zip b/18175.zip Binary files differnew file mode 100644 index 0000000..daf26f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/18175.zip diff --git a/LICENSE.txt b/LICENSE.txt new file mode 100644 index 0000000..6312041 --- /dev/null +++ b/LICENSE.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +This eBook, including all associated images, markup, improvements, +metadata, and any other content or labor, has been confirmed to be +in the PUBLIC DOMAIN IN THE UNITED STATES. + +Procedures for determining public domain status are described in +the "Copyright How-To" at https://www.gutenberg.org. + +No investigation has been made concerning possible copyrights in +jurisdictions other than the United States. Anyone seeking to utilize +this eBook outside of the United States should confirm copyright +status under the laws that apply to them. diff --git a/README.md b/README.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..595d770 --- /dev/null +++ b/README.md @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Project Gutenberg (https://www.gutenberg.org) public repository for +eBook #18175 (https://www.gutenberg.org/ebooks/18175) |